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lucadiliello

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I am in my 30 's , married and have recently , finally , become a mama . I am a smug mama , because I have two wonderful , healthy , happy , and secure children and I feel that this comes from stellar parenting : ) . Join me as I post about my life and the joys of being the mama ! 2010 has been full of wonderful memories and full of loss . I gave birth to my first child in 2010 . I said good - bye to my Grandmother and cousin in 2010 . I think back on the past year with mixed emotions , so much good , so much wonder , so much love , but I have cried a lot in 2010 and worried and lost people I love . As I think forward to 2011 , I am full of hope . There is something amazing about New Years Eve , there is this feeling of promise , like anything is possible . Most years turn out about the same , good and bad , yet we tend to look at each new year as a new beginning ; something exciting ! I want to get healthy in 2011 . I went about 3 years without getting sick before I got pregnant , then it seems like I have been nothing but sick since . I want to boost my immune system , cut that nasty dairy out , and start exercising on a regular basis . That doesn 't seem to hard to follow does it ? I don 't want to start out tomorrow with a plan to workout 5 hours a day , 7 days a week or anything crazy , but I have to do something . When it was nicer out I was walking with the babies , but then it got really cold and I kept getting sick and no more walking . Smug - Sister got a Wii and since I will be there , I think that I should plan on playing something like dance off each day and walking with Smug - Grandma at least once a week . I think that is doable ! The other thing I want to do more of in 2011 is being a nicer person . I want to stop yelling at other drivers for being stupid . I want to stop judging others . I want to stop thinking negatively about others . That is actually a really tall order , to try to control your thoughts , but I 'm going to try : ) What are you thinking about for the new year ? Anything that you want to make happen ? Good - Bye 2010 - thanks for the memories , take care and have a wonderful time joining the past and giving up the title of present ! I am so sick . I am trying to be as whiny about it as possible . I took today off work for two big reasons , first , Smug - Baby was really sick too . Her eyes were gunked shut this morning and she spent the whole night crying and it was after 1am before I got her to bed and then she was up and down all night . That is the second reason I stayed home today , I got no sleep ! Poor baby wanted only mama and daddy just wouldn 't do , so I sent him on to bed about 11 and I stayed up with her . She would cry and want to be picked up and then want to nurse , but I guess that nursing didn 't make her feel that much better , so she would pull off and cry and want to get down . As soon as she was down , she would cry and want back up again . I had no voice and one of the worst sore throats I can ever remember having . My head felt like it was going to explode and my eyes hurt to blink . I kept thinking this time she nursed she was would fall asleep and every time , just as she was fluttering her eyes closed , she would pull off the breast and hop down . When she finally did fall asleep and I took her into bed , Smug - Hub woke and informed me that he wasn 't taking no for an answer , that I was staying home from all my jobs and taking care of myself and the baby and NOTHING else . I agreed and sent e - mails from my phone to let my bosses know that I was going to be out . Smug - Baby and I slept until about 8 : 30 this morning and I called Smug - Grandma to bring me anything and everything she could think that might help . I wanted to have symptom relief as well as immunity building . She also picked up Gramps ' pills and took care of him for the day . I didn 't have to go anywhere or do anything but take care of me and my baby . I probably could have worked once I got up and moving around , but it was more important to stay home and just nurse Smug - Baby all day long and get her feeling better . Smug - Hub thought we should consider something like baby - Tylenol or baby - Motrin to help her feel better . I got online and started doing some research and found that the FDA is not recommending giving anything chemical to children especially any child under the age of 2 because of the huge risk of fatal overdosing . They are stating that any benefits are far outweighed by the risks . Apparently the line between normal dosage and fatal overdose is so small that they don 't feel that the child is helped enough my the medicine to risk it . We decided that breastmilk was Smug - Baby 's best medicine ( did I post on here about her diaper rash ? She had scratched herself so deeply that it got infected and was starting to ooze puss . I thought that perhaps I should take her to the doctor , but it was the Christmas holiday and everything was closed . I decided to put some breastmilk on the rash and did that with every diaper change - the rash was completely gone within 24 hours ! ) so , I just tried to keep her nursing as much as she wanted or would take . We decided not to give her anything else , not even water , because that would take up room in her stomach that would be better filled with milk . It worked , by the time Smug - Hub got home of work today she was at about 75 % . Her eyes were still a little goopy and her nose was running , but both were less than they had been . My head is starting to really hurt again as the sun has gone down and things are always worse at night . I have to go into work tomorrow no matter how badly I feel . My company has this rule that in order to be paid for your holiday you must report to work the day before and the day after the holiday unless you have a pre - approved vacation request . Since Friday is the paid holiday for New Years Day , I have to work Thursday . I guess my company really doesn 't care so much if I infect others : ) I really do feel lMaybe I should be drinking breastmilk too ! ! She is totally bouncing around the house now ! ! She and daddy are rolling around the floor and having so much fun ! The only problem with this , is that he is getting her all worked up and she probably will be up late again tonight - oh well , she is having fun and feeling better so that is all that matters ! Last Christmas , I was huge ! I was uncomfortable , my back hurt , my knees ached , my feet and legs were swollen and I was waiting for my baby to join us for Christmas on this side on my stomach . This year , she was here ! I decided that I wasn 't going to get her anything for Christmas . I knew that her grandmothers , all three of them , would get her stuff and there wasn 't anything that she needed . She has toys and clothes and everything else and then some that a baby could need . Then I threw that silly thought right out the window and proceeded to purchase 5 different toys , 2 outfits , countless tights and socks , plastic spoons and forks , a Disney princess plate , bowl and cup and a Partridge in a Pear Treeeeeee ! ! Christmas morning , I awoke at 5 : 15 , it was dark out still and I was tired , but I knew that Smug - Baby would be awake soon and I wanted to get everything ready . I turned on the Christmas tree and found that Santa had indeed visited ! Her stocking was full and all her gifts were laid out on the coffee table , arranged just so . I put a yule log DVD on the TV and Christmas carols played in the background . Then I climbed back in bed to wait for her to wake up . Then I waited . Then I waited some more . Then I nudged her and waited some more . Finally , I fell back asleep and she woke me at 8 : 30 - Eight - freaking - thirty ! ! I don 't think that she has slept that late in her whole 10 months of life ! ! She giggled at me and patted my face before rolling over and climbing up onto of her daddy and smacking him in the face until he woke up and hugged her . We got out of bed and looked out the window to see about an inch of snow on the ground and falling all around the house . It was White Christmas - which rarely happens here . I got the video camera ready and he walked her down the hall . I think that she picked up on our excitement because she sat down half - way to the living room and asked her daddy to pick her up . He brought her into the living room and they started playing with the various toys and pulling things out of her stocking . Overall , while she seems to like the new toys , she wasn 't overly impressed with the whole affair ! Daddy and I opened our gifts from each other and from family and I made breakfast . We spent the morning laying around , watching " A Christmas Story " , talking and just being together as a family . In the afternoon , we packed up everything ( food , gifts , etc . ) and headed over to my mom 's for the family get together . You see , that lovely snow that was falling that morning , was still falling as we made our way home and we were unable to get up the hill to our house . Dad came with his all - wheel drive and we unloaded everything from our car into his and he got us up the hill and home . We unloaded everything and then bundled the baby inside . She slept through the moving of car seat , food , gifts and everything else . She slept through the slipping and sliding and bumping to get home . She slept through all the unloading and the carrying of her seat into the house and up the stairs . What woke her was sitting her seat down on the floor . She was awake and played until 11 : 30 ! ! I am constantly annoyed by holiday ads . The TV commercials that tell us that we need to purchase several expensive and extravagant items in order to show our loved ones that we love them . Now , as much as I hate that we have it drilled into us that the more expensive the gift , the better , I do get that retailers are trying to sell their crap and are just doing what they can to make it happen . However , today is the day after Christmas and now all the commercials have changed . Now , they are informing us that their store is having great sales so you can " get what you really want " . So , they brainwashed us into purchasing too much at too high a cost and now they are going to insult us for what we purchased ? When did Christmas become so much about the gifts ? I hear it all the time , " I have to get something for this person , because they got something for me " or " I 'm not getting something for that person , because they didn 't get me anything . " There is talk of price limits and who is giving to whom and frankly I think it stinks ! Christmas is supposed to be celebrating the day that a great man was born . Christmas is about family and food and magic and love . Christmas is about giving a gift to someone you love to show them how much they mean to you . Christmas is not about outdoing last year , spending yourself into the ground or about how much you spent over what someone else spent . I hate watching TV and hearing all the retailers tell us that women have to have jewelry and men need a TV or new car and kids need video game systems and cell phones and everything else at the store . Now , on top of all that , they are telling us to do more shopping because , we couldn 't possibly have gotten what we really wanted . I have been feeling a bit stressed as of late . I guess trying to adjust to my new life of working more is hard and taking care of two babies is hard . But I knew it was going to be hard , I knew it would be an adjustment and I know , even when I am really struggling , that it will be great and it 's the right thing to do . However , as the holiday 's approached this year , I wanted to be really excited about it . I wanted to savor every moment and every new experience that Smug - Baby would have . I really wanted to , but I wasn 't . I was stressing over how to pay for everything that I wanted to get for her and all my family . I was stressing over how to get everything purchased with my limited time . I stressed over getting to the grocery store and fighting crowds everywhere . I felt like I was in a bad mood most of the time and I wasn 't enjoying anything . All that changed yesterday . I unexpectedly had a free day ! I left the office to find that my friend 's baby was sick and had ( possibly ) exposed Smug - Baby , Smug - Hub and myself to something ( possibly ) contagious . I called Smug - Sister and gave her the option of not having me and my baby come and ( possibly ) infect her family right before Christmas and she decided that she had a light day and she would be fine without my help . So , there I was with a free day . The world was my oyster , I could do anything ! As it happened , Smug - Hub was also off work ( a whole other story and don 't even get me started on that ! ! ) So , we both had some last minute things to pick up and then we met downtown for lunch . The street and sidewalks were full of people shopping and on their way to lunch and that song with the line " It 's Christmas time in the city " kept playing in my head as we walked over to the Thai place for lunch . Smug - Baby spent the whole meal entertaining the other patrons and staff . The food was good and Smug - Hub was also in a great mood . I ran a few more places to get things that I needed and came home to bake some cookies for my friend who was heading out of town in the evening . I was pulling some cookies from the oven and I could smell the wonderful sugary smell filling the house . I could hear Smug - Baby and her daddy having a cooing conversation has they played in the living room . A Christmas special was on the TV in the background and my heart was full to bursting with love and Christmas spirit ! I felt like , this moment , right here was THE moment , the perfect moment of love and happiness . I had to run to the grocery store and take something to my sister and as I was whizzing through the store , I realized that my face was feeling a little sore . I checked myself in the freezer door I happened to be passing and discovered the source of the soreness - I could not stop smiling ! I was smiling at all the people stopping to make faces at Smug - Baby . I was smiling at the folks working hard to restock the shelves . I was making jokes with the customer who thought getting Red Velvet cupcakes would be better than eating the whole cake by herself . I was laughing with the cashier who carded me for some wine ( I 'm 34 so that never happens anymore ) . I was / am really happy . Really excited for all the cooking that I need to do today and preparing for the cooking that will need to be done tomorrow . I am no longer dreading how I 'm going to find the time to do all the wrapping . I am filled with Christmas spirit and love for my dear friends and family . I am finally feeling the excitement that I was trying to pretend I was feeling . I guess I have let go of that need to savor all the firsts and am now just enjoying all the moments be they firsts or not . That phrase is total bull shit . It is always meant like the person is sleeping really well , really soundly , really peacefully , but that is not how babies sleep ! ! They are up and down all night long and really only fall soundly asleep 2 . 4 second before the alarm goes off and you have to get out of bed . The last few years ( OK , only days , but it feels like years ) , Smug - Baby has been having trouble in the sleep area . I think that the combination of her schedule change and teething is responsible , but bottom line , she is not sleeping through the night anymore . On a wonderful night , like last night , she wakes only 2 - 3 times , I move her to my other side to switch Binky 's and she nurses right back to sleep and I am able to fall back asleep quickly . On a bad night , she might go to sleep like normal about 9pm and then wake up and want to play a few hours later , or not be ready for sleep until 11 or midnight . Since I started working for Smug - Sister , Smug - Baby 's naps have been sporadic with no real routine to them . Both babies tend to take their nap together sometime between 11 and 1 in the afternoon and if my sister is able to nurse hers to sleep , then I can focus on nursing Smug - Baby to sleep . However , Smug - Baby does not allow me to put her down during this nap time . I don 't really have a bed or good place to put her down there yet , and if Smug - Niece wakes before Smug - Baby does and then I try to put her down to get Smug - Niece , Smug - Baby wakes and cries as though her heart is breaking until I can pick her back up and nurse . Smug - Grandma offered to bring over her old yoga mat which is about 4 inches thick and almost the size of a twin bed . We could keep it rolled up when not in use and only unroll it for nap time . I hope that this will work and Smug - Baby can start getting a good nap at a pretty set time of the day . I think that this will help her to get on a routine and help her sleep better at night . I know that within a few short months , Smug - Niece will be more able to play on her own and with Smug - Baby and Smug - Baby will adjust to sharing her mommy with her cousin . They will both adjust to the new way of life and all will be wonderful ( hush , I need my dreams ! ! ) but getting there is tough ! It 's not like I can ( or would ) just quit working for my sister because Smug - Baby isn 't sleeping well at night , but its hard to get uAll that being said , last night was pretty wonderful ! She nursed to sleep and we climbed into bed at 9 on the dot and except for a phone call at 9 : 15 ( which I answered and hung up on all in one quick movement and Smug - Baby stayed asleep ) , we both drifted into dreamland . She woke to switch sides and nurse at 11 : 45 , 2 : 30 , and 4 : 15 , but only for moments to move and get latched on and I was able to go back to sleep easily each time , except for the one at 4 : 15 , I just turned the alarm off and got up . You rang in your 10 month birthday with joyful giggling and rolling around the bed . Your daddy kept saying your name in an attempt to get you to calm down and find sleep , however , this simply caused more giggling and wiggling . You spent the first hour of your 10 month birthday playing and watching cartoons while your poor parents sat looking on with bleary eyes wondering how you were awake with so much energy at midnight ! You finally nursed to sleep and stayed that way about 12 : 30 and your parents sighed with relief as they were finally able to surrender to sleep themselves for a few short hours until the alarm went off signaling me to get up and get ready for work . She is learning more and more . For example , when she sees Smug - Grandma and grandma is holding her and says " Upside - down baby " Smug - Baby will grip her tighter as she knows the dunk upside - down is coming . Smug - Sister taught her to find her nose and other 's noses . Smug - Baby will not do it on command every time but every now and then she will give in and point to her nose or mine or smug - sister 's . She waves and says " hi " to people all the time now . Its not a bending finger wave , more like a parade wave and she waves at everyone . People in the retirement community with Gramps lives , people in the grocery store , the dogs , kids , people on the TV . It 's is totally cute and everyone melts when she waves at them . She is walking / pushing this little toy down the hall and back . Smug - Hub and I will each take an end to help her turn around and she will go back and forth forever ! ! She giggles the whole time , it is so much fun . She still doesn 't like sharing her mommy with Smug - Niece , but I think that she is getting better about it and doesn 't try to smack her in the head as much any more . She still wants to crawl , putting all her weight down , on Smug - Niece 's stomach , face and anything else in order to get to the toys , or mama . She gets very upset that I will not let her do this and cries and wiggles . She has also started arching her back to flop backwards . She does it for fun but also when she is upset and this has resulted in a few close calls . She hasn 't been dropped yet , but its been close - there is not warning ! ! She has eaten a few more items . She like beans and has taken the " leaves " from a floret of broccoli and seemed to like that . I have tried pears from the baby food collection and she likes that OK , but only in the last few days of watching some other babies eating and I have to take a bite first before she seems to understand . Binky 's are still number 1 and she starts smacking my chest and pulling at my shirt when she is hungry . She still makes that cute " I 'm so excited about my Binky 's " noises when she hears the bra flap snap . It 's too cute ! She had her first fever this month . It lasted about 6 hours one evening and I just nursed her through it and didn 't give her any chemical medicine , I just let her body take care of itself . That was the extent of the head cold for her that her daddy and I have been fighting for the last several days . Her 5th tooth broke the skin this week . I am so proud of her for going through the pain and annoyance of cutting these teeth with such dignity and grace . The 6th tooth seems very close to breaking through . Her first Christmas fast approaches and Santa is one freaky dude ! ! Besides the Santa visit where she was sleeping the whole time , she has screamed and cried at each Santa she has seen . I thought that perhaps by exposing her to several Santa 's through the holiday he would become less scary , but alas , not - maybe next year ! I woke this morning channeling Jeremy Piven from Grosse Pointe Blank going " 10 months - 10 " I can 't believe that my baby is in the double digit months now and only a matter of weeks from being a whole year old ! ! ! I noticed a picture that Smug - Grandma has of her from Easter and I hardly recognize her . Was she ever that small ? ? Where did this last year go ? I look at my nephew who is turning 8 next month and remembering when he was Smug - Baby 's age and I start to hyperventilate that I am going to do a slow blink and my little girl will be all grown up . We were watching Shrek last night and I remembered how when he was Smug - Baby 's age he loved that movie and then trying to get my head around the fact that this movie was that old . Thank you Smug - Baby . I 'm having the time of my life and I owe it all to you ! ! Why is it that when we women are sick , the show must go on ? We struggle through all that we have to do during the day without much complaint , we don 't get to crawl into bed and take the rest we so desperately need in order to get better quickly . It takes us longer to get over whatever the aliment and , in my case , can 't take anything chemical because of the interference with nursing . Men on the other hand , are not nursing , so they can take whatever pills they would like when they are sick . They have the option of taking the time to lay in bed and sleep and rest and get better . Yet , they are the biggest babies ! ! They are the whinniest , laziest , cry - babies in the world ! ! Smug - Hub finally caught the head cold that I have had for the last two weeks . Smug - Sister and her husband both have it as well and Smug - Baby was sick for about 6 hours . Smug - Grandma even caught it , so it was really contagious and really hard to get over . He felt it coming on like Wednesday and felt even worse on Thursday . He took Friday off and spent most of the day in bed - all the while taking sinus and head cold medicine ! When I returned about 2 hours later , he had taken the kitchen trash can bag and set it on the back porch - he called this collecting and taking out the trash . Never mind that the bathroom can was overflowing or that the cans in our bedroom and Smug - Baby 's bedroom were getting full ! Beyond this , he had fully taken apart the free - standing cabinet in the kitchen . He told me that the shelf at the top collapsed he it needed to be fully reinforced . Fine . I carried all the pieces to the garage ( while he gathered some screws - very strenuous ! ) Then I spent the next hour , getting the dinner in the oven , cleaning up the clutter around the house , putting clean sheets on the bed , making wipes , folding diapers , sorting laundry and getting it started , wrapped a few Christmas gifts and cleaned off the dining room table . In that time , he drilled about 12 holes . He had to make a run to Lowes to get some special screws and did that while I put the changed the baby 's diaper and put her down for a nap . He brought the parts back up to the kitchen and worked on putting the cabinet back together while I made a salad , made ice tea , got potatoes cooking , set the table , nursed the baby , folded laundry , and opened the wine . When family arrived , my dad and cousin jumped in to help Smug - Hub complete the assembly while I finished mashing potatoes and getting dinner on the table . The cabinet is complete and once again full of stuff - except for the doors , anyone what to take bets on how many weeks it takes to get those put back on ? ? How about if I end up having to do it myself ? ? Dinner was great and everyone raved on the food , which is always wonderful but while I was serving dessert , Smug - Hub starting snapping at me about helping him get the kitchen cleaned up and dishwasher loaded . I told him to leave everything and enjoy our company and our dessert , but he snapped that dessert could wait until the kitchen wasn 't such a complete disaster . We worked together , him grumbling and snapping all the way , and got everything put away and cleaned up . We enjoyed dessert and family and Smug - Baby until everyone had gone and we were all ready for bed . I asked him why he was in such a bad mood and he went off about how sick he was and how he had spent the whole day putting together the stupid cabinet that I had wanted to buy and how it broke because I had filled it with all this heavy crap that I don 't even use . Smug - Baby was not interested in sleeping and is our arrangement , he stayed up with her and I went to bed , since I have to go to work at 4am . He finally brought her into bed at 11 : 20 - I couldn 't help but feel a little vindicated that he had to stay up and take care of her all on his own while I got some sleep : ) Is that evil of me ? ? ? There is a lot of death around me right now . My family has lost so much in the last few years , but this year it seems like we are losing more than before . My grandmother left this world in March , my cousin in September . My sister - friend is having to decide if turning off life - support on her father is the best decision . Smug - Grandma 's best friend lost her mother this week and tonight a childhood friend of my brother 's was taken off life support and quietly died . It 's this one that has me all teary . I didn 't know this child well , he was my brother 's age and friend and I was a teenager that had little interaction with my brother 's little friends . I know that this boy was troubled , I remember hearing updates over the years that he was in trouble with the law or his girlfriend was pregnant and I knew that he was into drugs . Last summer , while I was pregnant , I spent several evenings a week visiting my brother in jail ( 5 months for drug possession - pot ) . We got , I thought , closer during that time and while he said that he was done doing any selling of drugs , he was never going to stop smoking weed and thought that he would work with those who were trying to get pot legal . After his release , my brother faded from my life again . He has always been independent and never likes doing much with us , the family . I get it . . . kinda , but I miss having him in my life and I wish that he wanted to be part of things . I go months without hearing from him or seeing him and when I do , it is at my doing . I take my car to have the oil changed at the shop he runs , or send him " Happy Thanksgiving " texts . He generally responds and seems happy to hear from me and see me , but never makes any effort to see me or call me or even talk to me . When he was a captive audience , he was happy to have someone to talk to , now he just wants to be left alone to live his life . This boy was found unconscious on someones front porch one morning and was rushed to the hospital . His family has no idea why he was there , how he got there or anything . He was full of various drugs including a huge dose of insulin which had put him in a comma . That could easily have been or even still could be my brother . We , his family , have no idea where he spends his time , who with , nothing ! I miss my brother . I miss that little kid who would scream at the top of his lungs while mowing the grass , just to let off steam . I miss the boy who used to let my sister and I dress him up complete with high heels and make up . I miss the man I thought I was getting to know through 2 inches of glass and a bad phone connection . They were calling for the snow to start about 11 last night . It was supposed to snow about 2 - 4 inches by morning and turn to sleet and freezing rain and then to just rain by this afternoon . This forecast was really fine with me . I can drive in the snow and I would be home most of the day anyway . I got up extra early this morning so that I would have time to scrape off the truck and shovel the driveway if needed . However , everything is bone dry . Not a flake to be seen ! This too is fine with me . I have no love of snow and ice and the day would run more smoothly without it to be sure . I turned on the TV to see the weather and I see that the snow is imminent and should be starting soon . Now this is also fine . I can get to work before the snow starts and people start driving like they are nutso . However , this means that my husband and my sweet girl will probably have to be out in it when the snow is falling at its worst and before the plows are able to do their thing . This worries me . After I leave work today , I have to take care of Gramps and make a run to the UPS store ( they are right beside each other , so no biggie ) before I come home . I just hope that I am able to get that stuff done and home still before the sleet and freezing rain make it really hard to get up the big hill to my house . So , I have time this morning to post . I would rather be sleeping but someone decided that it was time for her to be awake too and I sit here typing away with a sweet girl playing with her ball at my feet , giggling as the ball rolls away from her and every now and then looking up at Sesame Street on the TV . My life is so perfect right now : ) However , I must finish getting ready for work and kiss her soft little face good - bye for a few long hours until I can squeeze her the whole day through ! ! I love Christmas ! I love the food best of all I guess . Last night I made some holiday biscotti ( with cranberries and almonds ) and some chocolate biscotti ( with chocolate chips and walnuts ) to send to some loved ones for Christmas gifts . I need to get everything wrapped and packaged up tonight for a post office run tomorrow morning . I hope that I haven 't waited too long and they won 't arrive before Christmas ! ! Anyway , the house was filled with the smell of baking and the lights on the tree were twinkling and my sweet baby was in the back - pack watching my every move . I had Christmas music playing in the back ground and the wind outside was howling . The house was warm and I felt full of the joy of Christmas ! ! I hardly even feel my head cold anymore ! Mornings are hard and as soon as I lay down at night , my head stops up and I can 't breathe . However , during the day I feel pretty normal , just more tired . I look forward to next week and all the time off and time spent with my family ! This weekend we took Smug - Baby to see two different Santa 's . Our local history museum offers a Fantasyland throughout December and displays all these old Christmas window displays from the old downtown retailers . This was started in the 1970 's and I was actually taken there when I was a child so it was fun to start this as a tradition with my daughter . Santa told story 's and sung songs and talked to all the kids about how Christmas was about giving and being with your loved ones and less about what you get . He told them about how important it was to listen to your parents and be nice to your brothers and sisters . Smug - Baby watched with rapt attention ! Then Santa posed with each child for pictures . We let Smug - Baby take it all in and watch all the other kids talking to Santa , but when it was her turn , the result was the same . She was really freaked out ! ! ! After that we headed over to the office where they were having a Christmas party for the associates children . Smug - Baby fell asleep on the drive over ( I guess screaming at scary Santa is tiring ! ! ) and I figured that she would wake as soon as I got her out of the car , but she stayed asleep . I figured that she would wake up when I laid her in Santa 's lap , but she slept . I figured she would wake up while I was snapping pictures , but she slept . I spent some quality time this weekend worrying about how to pay for Christmas . I worried about the gifts already purchased and the gifts still left to purchase . I worried about the cost of the food that would be made , the cost of stamps for Christmas cards and the cost of shipping to get some gifts to the out of town friends and family . Then I read a post from Learning Along the Way and got really sad that my Christmas has turned into something very commercial and material . I have been so caught up in squeezing every possible moment and experience into Smug - Baby 's first Christmas - after all , this is the only first - that I am making myself crazy . I don 't get crazy about Christmas . I never have . I 'm the one who starts shopping in October , a little something here , a little something there . I never stress , I always enjoy . But not so much this year . I know that I am over - stressed as I adjust to my new work schedule and money is much tighter than in years past , but Christmas isn 't about stuff , or gifts or even food . Its about love and togetherness and being happy . So , I resolve to let it all go . I 've purchased my last gift for the season ( who cares of Smug - Baby doesn 't have a full stocking on Christmas morning ? ! ? ! She doesn 't care ! ! ! ) I 'm going to concentrate on singing carols to my girl and doing what I love about Christmas - BAKING ! ! I want to watch classic Christmas movies and hold my baby girl and nothing more ! ! My sweet darling girl is sick . She isn 't quite 10 months old and this will be her first illness . Friday evening , she felt hot to me . Her dad had been holding her and he runs warm , so I figured it was just that , but after she had been playing in the floor for a few minutes , I felt her again and she was decidedly warm . I got out the thermometer and she was at 101 . 3 . I held her close and she curled her body into me and I knew she didn 't feel good . I had been feeling like I was coming down with a cold myself ( scratchy throat , achy , nose running - you know the drill ) , so I thought perhaps she was getting the same thing . I quickly got her ready for bed and we nursed a long time until she fell sleep and then we both went to bed . I remember waking in the night and feeling her hot little face and neck and worrying that perhaps I should be doing something else . My step - mother had suggested something to reduce the fever , but I knew that the fever was actually a good thing and her body was fighting off this thing and introducing a medicine would just cause her body to have to work harder . Sometime in the night the fever broke and she was much cooler Saturday and although she slept more than normal , she was acting like her normal self . Sunday was more of the same - lots of sleep , but no more fever and her nose had even stopped running . When I was reading Simple Peace Mama 's post on illness , I was happy to know that I had done the right thing , letting the fever run itself out and I am proud of my baby girl 's strong immune system that was able to work hard and fight off this cold really fast . Me , on the other hand , I feel like there is an elephant sitting on my chest ! ! I am drinking herbal tea and taking Airborne and Emergen - C , and as much as I would love some chemical that would make me feel better and take away my suffering , I know that letting my body fight this itself is the best thing I can do for myself ! ! ! Last topic ! A girl I know gave birth to her daughter this weekend . While I am very happy that all is well finally . I am heart sick about how it all went down . I truly hope that she is happy with her birth experience and not traumatized like I would have been in her situation and I really don 't have many details . Its the same story we hear all the time - Doctors are concerned that mom won 't be able to deliver the baby as they are sure that the baby is over 9 pounds , so they induce , give epidural , labor doesn 't progress , they break the water , labor doesn 't progress , they move to a c - section , mom has complications , baby is only 8 pounds . I am just sick that they convinced this young mother , who was already anxious and excited to meet her baby to induce and the baby wasn 't ready , so more and more interventions had to done and now there are complications . I hope that my friend is so in love with her baby right now , that she doesn 't care about how it happened and she is totally fine with how it all went down . I just know that I would feel angry and betrayed by the doctors I trusted to help me , knowing that they caused all the problems . I would feel mad at myself for not trusting in God . I had almost exactly the labor experience that I wanted and my baby still had problems and I wrestle with the " what if 's " all the time . What if I hadn 't had my membranes swept ? What if I had done the home birth ? Perhaps the midwife would have handled the cord issue better , perhaps Smug - Baby would have nursed right after birth and aspirated breast milk which may have cleared her lungs within moments . I know that I wouldn 't have hemorrhaged because the cord wouldn 't have been cut , and the placenta wouldn 't have been forcibly delivered . It feels like it only became news once they were elected and the revelation would sell more magazines or news organizations would pay more for the information . It 's like everyone is consumed with greed and not with electing the best people to run our country . Is it any wonder that our economy is tanking ? Here is the saddest thing : Corruption and sleaze has become commonplace for our politicians , so much so that it is not really even a kiss of death for their career , just some bad press that they have to move past . Bill Clinton had numerous affairs and he is still popular and still has a career ; and wasn 't there a mayor in the 80 's , in New York I think , that was caught on video buying drugs , went to jail , got out , ran for office and won ? ! ? ! I was then thinking about how Miley Cyrus is criticized for taking racy pictures of herself - she is just being a teenager for God sake ! Teens are growing and testing and discovering themselves and she should totally be allowed to do the same . The only reason it is news is because she is famous . People think that because she has fans that are little girls and teens themselves that she is a role model and if she tries to be sexy , then her fans will be too and OMG what ever will we do then ! ! People seem to forget that it is a parent 's job to guide and raise their children and not Miley Cyrus 's ! ! So then , why is it that Miley is judged so harshly for her actions , that are the same as pretty much any teenager ? She is simply a singer , an actor - a good one ? Sure ! A popular one ? Totally , but just a singer none the less . Why do we continue to elect people to run our country who are corrupt and greedy and faithless ? We give a free pass to our politicians because , we are all human and we all make mistakes and we can all be redeemed . The problem is , they aren 't being redeemed - they try to sell a senate seat to the highest bidder and then go on to reality TV and become even more famous ! I say we give Miley a break and stop electing assholes to run our country ! I wonder if we all wrote in Spongebob for president what would happen - after all Spongebob is loyal , never has a bad word to say about anyone , has a good attitude and a great work ethic ! ! I think he would make a great president ! ! If someone called your house at 12 : 36am ? What if you knew that this person might be drunk and calling because they want in some way to reconnect with your family because they were once in a relationship with one of your family members and are sad it ended ? What if you silenced the phone as quickly as possible and did not answer because you knew that it would probably be a drunk call ? What if the call woke your baby and you spent the next two hours trying to get said baby back to sleep ? What if , by then , you only were able to get about two hours of sleep before having to get up and go to work and work all day ? ? ? I wonder if she got a midnight phone call . What about Smug - Sister ? I should find out before I call him back and blast his ass - just on the outside chance it was about something legitimate . But , then why not leave a message or call back if it was some kind of emergency ? ? ? If it was a mis - dial , also leaving a message apologizing for calling the wrong number would have been nice . Lord , I am so pissed ! ! Today , we took the babies to see Santa at the library . Smug - Grandma took the boys ( my nephews ) last year and it was really nice without all the crowds and lines and expense at the mall . So before we left , I took a few shots of Smug - Baby playing with Smug - Niece . Although I didn 't get any pictures of it , there was a funny / sweet incident that I have to tell you about . I needed to run back to my house to get some pills that Gramps needed , so I bundled the girls up and loaded them into my car and off we went . When we got to my house , I let Smug - Baby play and I left Smug - Niece strapped in her car seat ( because she was happy there ) while I used the bathroom and gathered up the stuff I needed . The seat was covered with one of those covers that keeps the baby warm - all you could see was Smug - Niece 's little face through the hole . I noticed that Smug - Baby was playing near the car seat and even pulling herself up on it and talking up a storm to her little cousin . Then , Smug - Niece began to be unhappy confined , so I unzipped the cover to find a red ball , a beaded necklace and a jar of peanut butter all hiding in the confines of the car seat with the baby . I figured out that Smug - Baby had been showing her cousin all her cool and favorite toys ! So Sweet ! ! So , back to Santa ! When I got to the library , I needed to change both girls diapers and put them in their holiday outfits and then it was picture time ! Smug - Niece didn 't mind Santa at all Who are you ? Smiling for Grandma I 'm in a pretty good mood this week - granted it 's only Monday , but hey , its a start ! it did me so much good to have a nice weekend and get everything done that I needed to , it makes the rest of the week much better not to have the undone hanging over my head . I was able to leave Smug - Sister 's a bit early tonight and spent a bit more time with Gramps ( his blood sugars are really high and we are working with him and the doctor to try to figure out why ) . When I got home , my sweet baby girl was sleeping and kept sleeping until about 6pm ! I was able to fold a load of laundry and do some work on the computer . Later , she played at my feet while I cooked oats for my breakfasts this week and is currently playing in the tub with all four of her rubber ducky 's ! ! It is nice to sit here on the bathroom floor and listen to her playing and splashing . I am slightly worried about a little rash on her butt , so I thought some naked baby time was in order , so I let her crawl around naked for a bit and when she was good and cold , I stuck her in the bath to warm up and play some more . I know that she is sensitive and when she is teething as she is now , her poos are strange , so I wonder if that is what is causing the rash - that and I normally can tell when she poos and the last couple of days I have been surprised to change her diaper and see poo . I hate that she has been sitting in it for a long time and I didn 't know . I feel like a bad mommy when I see the little red patches on her butt : ( Anyway , tomorrow I am taking her to see Santa and her cousin 's are going with us along with Smug - Grandma and Gramps . It should be a fun outing and after that one of my nephews is in his school 's holiday play - he is an elf ! We are all going to troop over there and cheer him on ! The batteries for my new camera and my video camera are already charging ! ! OK , she is starting to whine , so I must get her out of the bath and ready for bed . Perhaps she will fall asleep quickly given that she is all warm and wet ! ! Here 's hoping ! ! UPDATE : It 's 4am and my baby girl is wide awake and has been for about an hour . She also didn 't fall asleep until almost 10 last night ! ! Mommy is going to be very sleepy today : ( This weekend was just what I needed . I had been feeling so run down and stressed and overwhelmed that I really needed the weekend to get myself back in check . I realized that I haven 't been taking care of myself very well . I have not been drinking enough water throughout the day and I can 't remember the last time I ate a vegetable ! Friday after leaving Smug - Sister 's place and taking care of Gramps , Smug - Baby fell asleep and I was able to clean my whole house while she slept and vacuum as soon as she woke up . It really took every ounce of my strength to get it done , but once complete , I was totally stoked ! This would leave me time Saturday to run errands , finish laundry and grocery shop along with all the other stuff I needed to do . By the time Smug - Hub arrived home , I was ready for a hot shower and a back rub and then I went to bed ! ! Saturday morning , my first task was Gramps and then to a photo session for Smug - Baby . However , my wonderful and amazing photographers had a family emergency and needed to reschedule , so my morning was suddenly open . Almost immediately after hanging up with them , my dad called and invited Smug - Baby and I to breakfast , so we did that ! After that , Smug - Grandma called and an old friend of hers was visiting , so we headed over there to say hi . It was snowing pretty hard when she woke up , so I took her outside to catch her first snowflakes on her nose and eyelashes ! We took care of Gramps and got home in time to get a nice dinner on the table for Smug - Hub who had worked all day . We spent some time rolling on the floor playing with her baby girl and then headed off to bed . Sunday morning no one had to work besides the visits to Gramps and while Smug - Baby and I took care of that Smug - Hub started setting up the Christmas tree and we spent the day decorating the house and tree . When I got back from my evening visit with Gramps , the whole house was lit up and looking lovey ! Smug - Baby liked the tree OK , but didn 't try to pull herself up on it or anything . I did stop decorating it about two feet from the bottom , so she would not be tempted to pull down any glass balls or anything . I uploaded some pictures and videos to Facebook and we had leftovers for dinner . It was a full but relaxed Sunday and I feel much better about the week ahead ! What makes a bully ? How does a child learn how to push others around to get his or her own way and why ? Does it perhaps start with the adults in their lives pushing them around and treating them like second class citizens ? If we don 't treat our children like they matter , like they are real human people with feelings than what do we expect them to do ? ? My nephew was riding the school bus and came home complaining that two other boys where picking on him , holding him down and drawing on his face and neck . Another time they pushed him under the seat , another time they took his shoe . A lot of boys being boys and my nephew was playing rough right back , but Smug - Sister felt it should be addressed and talked with the principal and the GM of the bus company ( You see , our city leaders outsourced the bus drivers , causing many local folks to lose their jobs , or to re - apply for jobs with the new company and take cuts in pay and benefits ) . They talked to all three boys and the problem seemed to be resolved . My issue was with the bus driver . His job is hard , I get it ! But his job is to take care of the children on that bus and get them home safely . Is he is allowing the boys to jump from seat to seat , crawl under seats and hold each other down and draw on each other , then I feel there is a big problem ! This week , when my ex - brother - in - law met the bus to take my nephew for the afternoon , the bus driver yelled at my nephew , telling him that he needed sit still and stop jumping around on the bus . My nephew tried to explain that someone had taken his shoes and he was just trying to get them back , but the bus driver just kept yelling at him . My nephew 's father stepped in and told the bus driver that he was aware of the issues on the bus and that my nephew wasn 't the only problem . The bus driver slammed the door shut and drove off . When she met him at the bus stop today , the bus driver yelled at her to have a talk with her kid about getting right and not causing problems on the bus . She told him that my nephew was supposed to now have an assigned seat and he yelled back at her that he didn 't have time to give every kid an assigned seat . She told him that she was trying to work with him to correct the situation and he didn 't have to be an asshole , he slammed the door and drove away . Here is the thing , if the bus driver had talked to my sister calmly or the GM had been understanding and if they had both been willing to work with my sister in this situation , none of this would have happened . But because these adults don 't believe that children should be treated with respect and don 't understand that children are humans with feelings , this situation escalated into something ugly . Apparently it is OK for the kids on the bus to bully each other , because the GM and the driver bully the parents . But here is the kicker - parents have power ! I told my sister to call the local news . The city 's decision to hire this outside company to handle the buses has gotten a ton of bad press from the start and parents need to know that the city leaders , the bus company and drivers are perfectly fine with kids bullying each other and with treating parents and kids alike as if they are an inconvenience and not the whole reason they have jobs ! Lastly , because I hate it when people complain without offering solutions , here is something that I think would help . Did you know that the public school buses don 't have seatbelts ? ? Planes have seatbelts and lets face it , in a crash , a seatbelt on a plane ain 't gonna do much ! However , our public school systems care so little about the safety and well being of our children that they still don 't install seatbelts . What if they did ? Every child would be buckled in , unable to jump from seat to seat , unable to crawl under seats , unable to hold someone down and draw on their face . The cars now ping when someone is not strapped in , the buses could have the same function and the driver could address . If there are kids that are not getting along , they could easily be moved to another seat and strapped in . This seems a pretty simple and fairly inexpensive fix . Maybe I am in the minority , but I think that bullying is wrong . Be it from child to another child , adult to another adult or adult to child . Something has to be done to protect our children from growing up thinking that it 's OK to treat others badly ! I had dinner with someone last night who has recently had his heart broken . He is dealing , but conflicted and it sounds like the woman is conflicted as well . They still talk and are trying to do the friend thing , but it is hard on him to talk to her and see her and remember the good times and know that she is with someone else . Talking to him made me start thinking about breakups and how painful they can be , even when you know that it is the right thing and all for the best . How people handle their breakups can also be very telling , like the woman who ends her relationship and starts dating the same week . What does this say ? Perhaps when you are dumped , thrown away , cheated on , whatever , you need to start dating right away to feel better about yourself . You need to feel desired again and it can help regain some of your self - worth that may have been lost when the person you loved tossed you aside . People often jump into a rebound relationship probably for this same reason , to feel worthy of someones love and affection . I know someone who was dumped and immediately starting dating the ex 's best friend . She told me later that this was done only to hurt her ex and when he didn 't care what she was doing or who with , it lost its appeal and she had to end it . This caused the new guy to be hurt and everyone was just hurt all around . So , while rebounds can be necessary , they can cause a lot more hurt in the end . I started thinking about my last relationship before I met my husband and how that relationship was probably more of a rebound that turned long - term ( 2 years ) . I think that I had loved being part of a couple so much that I just wanted that again and forced myself into a relationship with a man who didn 't treat me very nicely . I stayed with him long after I knew he was abusive and I 'm really not sure why . I know that at the time , I felt trapped by a lack of money to afford to live on my own and there were good times that I thought seemed to make up for the bad stuff . But , if I am really honest , I just didn 't want to be single . I wanted to be married and have a family and I was getting older . I was in my late 20 's and my younger sister was already married , owned a home and had a baby on the way , and I was stuck with none of those things that I wanted so badly . When the breaking point was reached and I finally moved out . The boyfriend didn 't believe me and kept calling me to reconcile . I think that he was convinced I was an idiot for leaving him and if he could just see me , talk to me , I would come back . When that didn 't work , he proceeded to tell all our mutual friends that he had to dump me because I was trying to get pregnant behind his back ( where that came from , I have no idea ) . I found out later that he had never stopped seeing other women even though we were living together and while that hurt me , I was mostly concerned about disease at that point . When I left , anything and everything that I had ever felt for him was dead . However , this relationship had made me gun shy and while I went out and partied with my friends and reconnected with people I had let go in order to make time for this dysfunctional and abusive relationship , I refused to date . I was finally convinced about 6 months later to go on a date and it was horrible ! My co - workers and friends encouraged me to let someone take me out and show me a nice time and I did and it was just awkward and I think that the guy really liked me , but I felt nothing for him and we had nothing in common and I swore off dating forever . It would be another 6 months before I would meet my husband . I almost called to cancel my date with him a dozen times . When I met him , I tried to set him up with my friend , because I liked him and thought he was nice and since I wasn 't interested , he might as well go out with someone nice , but he wasn 't interested any my friend and they never went out . So I decided that I would just use him for sex : ) After our first date , where I watched him like a hawk for signs that he was going to drink too much or say something to put me down in a sneaky way , I fell for him . For the first year we dated , I kept him at arms length . I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop and for his " real " personality to be shown . It was a long time before I gave him my whole heart and my whole being . Here is the thing . The year that I spent being single was the best thing I could have done for myself . I decided that I wasn 't meant to be married or have a family and then I set about being OK about that . Once I was OK with the idea of not having the family I always wanted , I started to enjoy my life , myself and worked on making myself happy and strong and whole . By the time I met my husband , I was happy with myself and totally at peace in my life . I was perfect and complete and he was just gravy on this great life I had created . I know now that I was getting myself right , so that I would be in a good place to accept this wonderful man and be ready to really appreciate the family that was to be had with him . So , here is what I have learned . While breakups are hard , you can 't find the person who is perfect for you until you are perfect all on your own , in your own eyes , and you can 't find your perfect person while you are with the wrong person . It has been raining . That horrible drizzle rain that is just cold and wet and makes all the drivers on the road bat shit crazy . Work was fine besides from breaking three fingernails on my right hand when I attempted to scoot some boxes around in my cube . Then it took about 20 minutes for the teller at the bank to complete my deposit all the while my darling baby is crying the back seat . She is bored and hungry and already been in the car for almost an hour . I take care of Gramps and get to Smug - Sister 's and the day there was pretty fine . Smug - Niece was in a great mood and was content in her swing or playing on the floor most of the day , while Smug - Baby seemed like she wasn 't feeling well and just cried most of the day . She seemed very easily frustrated and just wanted to be held all day . I feel like my " job " of helping my sister with her baby is wonderful , but it forces me to short - change my own child a bit . When I wasn 't working , I would have just held her in the rocking chair all day , but now that isn 't an option . I 'm not really complaining , its just hard to get used to . I wasn 't able to get to Gramps before his dinner break , so I ran home to do a few things before I went back out to take care of his stuff after he ate . When I got home , I was just pissed . It was pouring rain and Smug - Hub ( because of being sick this weekend ) had not finished cleaning up the garage , so I was facing the prospect of pulling the baby out of the car in the pouring rain and then putting her back in the car 20 minutes later to go to Gramps and then repeating when I finally arrived back home . So I left her in the car and shoved items around in the garage trying to make enough room for the car to fit . I was able to do so , but in the process bashed my shin on a metal box and by the time I got back in the car to pull it into the garage , it was already a huge purple lump and is throbbing constantly . I had about 15 minutes to kill , so I brought the dry laundry up , put a new load in the washer , sorting Gramps 's pills , collected and took out the trash and recycling and started the upload of the photos to Shutterfly so that I could order from Christmas gifts later . Then it was back to the car for the ride to see Gramps . He wasn 't totally finished with dinner so Smug - Baby and I sat with him and chatted with his dinner companions . Smug - Baby was sweet , but I could tell that she was still not feeling 100 % and I felt rushed to get her home and spend some time playing together . It was after 7 when I finally was finished for the evening and I just sat down and cried for a bit . My leg was hurting , I was tired and hungry with no food ready to eat ( I ended up with a few saltines and a 7 - up ) , my sweet daughter 's cup was empty and she needed love and hugs and some quality time . Then it happened . I turned on the TV and Rudolph was just starting . I was filled with the joy of Christmas and I realized that this would be Smug - Baby 's first exposure to this holiday classic , so I sat down on the floor and held her and we watched Yukon Cornelius look for gold and I sang along to all the songs and hugged my girl close . After it was over , we got ready for and into bed and she quickly fell asleep . I am in my 30 's and have been married almost 3 years . I am a wife , daughter , sister , aunt , friend , lover and finally , finally what I have dreamed of being for many , many years . . . Mama

It strikes me that I never posted the link to Kira , a student film I worked on last year . It certainly has its flaws , but I am very proud of the work done by everyone involve in the project . This was nearly a full time job for many people involved , and Kira went from initial concept to finished project in just nine months , during which time everyone who worked on it was a full - time student , and many were heavily involved in sports , clubs , and other such things as well . We had a ton of fun ( and learned a lot ) making it , and we hope very much that you enjoy watching it ! Towards the end of this past summer , I received the very happy news that a literary journal wanted to publish a short story of mine . Below is the link to the online version , with the print version of the book soon to come ! Enjoy ! This is a short film that I made for the final project of my New Media class last semester . It 's based on the short story of the same title by Debbie Knubley which appeared in last fall 's issue of Kodon . The sound quality isn 't great , but it was pretty fun to make . " You sure this is what you want to do , Elsie ? " I asked . I wanted to look her in the face when I said it , but for some reason I couldn 't , so I just stared through the windshield at the large red lettering that spelled out " QUICK MART " on the building in front of me . " Yes . " I suppose I really didn 't expect her to say anything else , but I wasn 't above hoping that she 'd change her mind last minute . I pulled out of the gas station and back onto the freeway . The silence between us was unbearable . I think Elsie didn 't want to talk because she knew I 'd ask about where she was going . I just didn 't know what else to say . I first met Elsie about six and a half years ago as a freshman at Myron College , which kind of makes it an accident we met in the first place . I didn 't choose Myron , really . My parents chose it . They knew that meant I wouldn 't be going anywhere they didn 't check off on . I guess I could have taken some loans and gotten by at a state school . But they were all huge , and I wanted somewhere a little smaller . As it turned out , all my parents really cared about was that the school was Christian in name . Thankfully , they didn 't bother digging any deeper than that . Not that Myron was a bad place ; simply that , when we visited , the tour guides mentioned that Methodists had founded the college , but now the school chapel was used for Catholic , Protestant , Jewish , and Muslim services every week , as well as being the meeting place for a number of other religious groups on campus . Moving in was a mess . There were people all over the place , toting boxes and bags , sweating slightly in the August heat . I had picked up my room key , and , thinking I knew exactly where I was going , I was laden with a suitcase , a duffel bag , and a backpack . My parents were both carrying boxes . She smiled . " Nope , I 'm a freshman . I just made the same mistake in reverse already . " We both laughed . " I 'm Elsie , by the way . " A memorable way to meet someone , I suppose . I did remember her name after only that one meeting , whereas with most people it took me two or three times . But then again , you meet so many people the first few weeks of college that I didn 't immediately think anything of it other than , well that girl was nice . And cute . When you first start college there are some people that you meet once and never see again the whole semester . Then there are some people that you see around enough to remember their names . Finally , there are people that you actually talk to , people you start to become friends with . Elsie was in that last group . For us , it was music that started us talking . That 's how our friendship started , little conversations like that . They were the foundation for the ever increasing trust that we built with each other . While we still talked about music and other small things like that later on , we also branched into deeper subjects of , as Douglas Adams put it in The Hitchhiker 's Guide to the Galaxy ( Elsie 's favorite book ) , " life , the universe , and everything . " We became each other 's first line of defense against the insanity of the world . If I had a problem , I 'd talk to Elsie about it . People asked us if we were dating from time to time , but it wasn 't ever like that with us . We were just really good friends . And that was fine . I don 't think I would have made it through college without Elsie . Late February that year , Elsie started dating this guy named Brian . I knew Brian a little bit , well enough to say " hi " whenever we passed each other , though not much better . I suppose I got to know him a little more after he started dating Elsie , but even most of that was secondhand info . On the whole , Brian seemed like a mostly ok guy . Elsie seemed to enjoy being around him , so I was happy for her . Honestly , though , I didn 't pay that much attention to Elsie and Brian 's relationship . I had other things on my mind at the time . I had other friends , I was focused on my classes , and I started writing for the Myron Herald , the campus newspaper . There wasn 't much room left for Elsie 's boyfriend . That 's how things passed for pretty much the rest of that year . Elsie , understandably , hung out with Brian a lot , but I was happy that she made time for me , too . I just enjoyed being around her . There were times we 'd sit up all night just wondering about what was coming in our lives . I 'm sure Brian wasn 't a huge fan of us spending time together , but I guess Elsie put her foot down because the issue never came up between the two of us . At the end of the year there was a semi - formal dance . It was an annual thing , and a pretty big deal . Elsie , of course , went with Brian . He asked her with a huge bouquet of tulips and a note that said something like , " These tulips are nice , but not nearly as nice as your two lips . " Kill me now . I mean , the guy couldn 't even write a little note without turning to a cheesy , clichéd line ? Besides , he should have known that Elsie liked roses . Most people were asking dates . I personally knew of at least five other guys who would have asked Elsie if she hadn 't been dating Brian . I think one of them went for it anyways . I didn 't have my eye on anyone in particular and didn 't really want to go to the trouble anyways , but I still decided to go . My roommate , Phil , didn 't have a date either , although it was more because he couldn 't find anyone who would go with him , so we went together to avoid the appearance of having no friends . He spent the whole week prior to the dance referring to me only as his " wingman . " Naturally , I tried to avoid him . We got to the dance early , just as the band started playing , because Phil said he wanted to " scout out the single ladies . " There weren 't a lot of people there when we first arrived , but it filled in pretty quickly . A few people had started dancing when I saw Elsie come in . She was wearing this blue dress with the slightest green sheen to it , so that whenever she turned it caught the light . The low " V " of the top fell elegantly over her torso , and a silver necklace adorned her neck . Her long , black hair shimmered down her back . Damn , she was pretty . I must have been staring , because she caught my eye , smiled , and waved . " Thanks ! Not too shabby yourself . I like that shirt . See , Brian ? I told you that you should 've worn more than just a polo . " " Yeah , I think we 've met before . " He shook Phil 's hand . Phil gave a little nod . I was pretty sure they hadn 't met before . " Well , fellas , I think Elsie and I have a little dancing to do . We 'll catch you later . " He steered her away . So Phil agreed , although I think he was skeptical . His foot tapped to the beat of the music , and his eyes impatiently scanned back and forth . I tried to play it off , keeping a steady gaze towards the dancers . I saw Elsie and Brian out there . Elsie was twisting and moving like nobody 's business . For good reason , she was drawing some stares . They looked like they were having fun , so I was happy for Elsie . I was feeling weird that night . It wasn 't really that I was sick or tired or anything like that . I just didn 't quite feel myself . I spent most of the night just sitting there , sipping on punch . I wish I had seen Elsie more than the occasional glimpse of her dancing with Brian , but I think she had a good time . Towards the end I lost all sight of them . They must have left , I thought , and he didn 't even let Elsie say goodnight . Unoriginal little bastard is probably kissing those two lips right now . My stomach turned over and I felt a pressure in my chest . I must 've had too much punch , I thought . I 'm making myself sick . Fall of our Senior year , Elsie was dating this guy named Greg . Greg was a couple years older than Elsie and me , but he lived in the city of Myron . Elsie had met him in a bar while she was out with " the girls " the previous semester . Greg was an idiot , and I 'm sure Elsie knew it . I knew Elsie could have done better , but she told me she was happy . The thing was , Greg wasn 't an explicitly bad guy . He drank , but not excessively . He worked a crappy job cooking for some run down restaurant in the bad part of town , but it got him enough money to keep up rent on his apartment , keep food on the table , and keep the cable TV coming in . I think that 's all he did after a day on his feet : flop down in the easy chair and zone out to SportsCenter . But again , there wasn 't anything inherently wrong about that . I think he wasn 't really sure what to make of me , and I think maybe he didn 't like me that much because of it . That was fine , because that meant I didn 't feel bad about not liking him much either . Maybe he thought I was intruding on Elsie and him , but if that was the case he just didn 't take the time to try to understand me . I would 've told him it wasn 't like that between me and Elsie . Anyways , that fall a guy I worked with at the Herald gave me four tickets to see the minor league baseball team a town over from Myron the first Sunday of September . I invited Elsie , Greg , and this girl from the paper who I kind of knew . Her name was Lauren , and she was cute enough . I picked up Lauren at twelve - thirty , and we met Elsie and Greg at the ballpark by one . The tickets weren 't great : upper deck ; but in a minor league stadium , even the upper deck isn 't that high . Besides , who am I to pass up free tickets ? There was hardly a soul around up there , so even though our seats were about halfway up , we pretty much got to pick where we wanted to sit . We were down the third base line , so we were lucky enough to stay in the sun about as long as it lasted before the stormy - looking clouds that kept rolling in completely obscured all natural lighting . With the exception of the ever worsening sky , the first four innings passed rather uneventfully ; both pitchers were hitting their spots , so there weren 't many base runners . I tried to engage Lauren in conversation , but my efforts were largely in vain . Lauren , it turned out , was a pretty dull girl . Midway through the fifth Elsie and Greg went to go get some food . When they came back , they were arguing . I 'm not exactly sure what about , but it seemed pretty serious . They quieted for a second when they sat down at first , but then Greg started to say something and Elsie excused them both . She pulled Greg to the next section over and they began to talk quite heatedly , although they never started yelling . I lost focus on the game , and , now that I think about it , I stopped paying attention to Lauren , too . I kept stealing glances at Elsie and Greg . It didn 't seem to be going well . Elsie was still sitting , but Greg had stood up and was waving his arms all over the place . He looked like a monkey . After about an inning , Greg stormed off . Elsie stayed a section over and just sat forward in the seat , chin cradled in her hands . A little while later , she got up and walked out of the grandstand . I told Lauren I was going to get a hot dog and went after her . I caught up as she was headed down the stairs . " Elsie , what 's going on ? " I asked . " What were you and Greg arguing about ? " She just shook her head and continued down the stairs . I tried again , " Come on Elsie , you know you can talk to me . " I tried to reassure her . " I do worry . Come on , what 's wrong ? " But she wouldn 't say anything else and just kept on walking . So I followed her . She walked down the stairs , out of the stadium , and out into the parking lot . As we walked past rows of cars , the rain that had been threatening finally started falling , quickly picking up into a heavy shower . She stopped at the base of an empty spot in front of a light post bearing the designation " Lot E Row 23 . " I stepped up behind her . " That 's where Greg parked . I 'm sure of it . When we pulled up he said , ' Good , the car 'll be easy to find when we leave . ' " God , Greg 's a moron . Who the hell drives off without his girlfriend ? I sure wouldn 't have done that to Elsie . " Hell , no . And I hope that asshole doesn 't call and try to apologize either . " She sniffed , and her breath caught for a moment . I walked Elsie to my car and drove her back to her apartment . She had been dating Greg for almost six months , but Elsie wasn 't about to put up with a stunt like that . Nonetheless , I could tell that it would probably bother her for a little while . I wished there was something more I could do . I offered to walk her up to her room , but she said no , thanked me for the ride , and gave me a hug good - night . I got back in my car and drove to my apartment . I had completely forgotten about Lauren . I didn 't know what to say . I mean , I 'd always been a Christian , though I guess that was mostly just because my parents were . I never gave much thought to it one way or the other . I just was . So how to respond to a statement like that ? I don 't really know why that 's stuck with me , but it has . Maybe it 's because it has stuck with Elsie , even though I don 't think she knows it . If you were to have asked her at one point , she might have said she was Buddhist . A month before that , maybe agnostic . I 'm not sure I 've even kept track of all the different creeds Elsie has claimed to confess . During school , she went to about every conference , speaker , and service she could . It was like she was looking for something she could never quite apprehend . Talking about spirituality in its many forms became a hobby . " I like this idea , " she 'd say , or , if she didn 't like it , " Those people are idiots . " She found many more belief systems she didn 't like than things she actually agreed with for more than a few weeks . That was how it usually went : she 'd wholeheartedly leap into an idea only to stick with it for a couple weeks before it , too , joined the " idiots " list . Although I was happy enough to listen to her whenever she felt the need to talk through some new concept , her whole " Spirituality Quest , " as I came to think of it , was only something I watched her do from afar . My parents dragging me there was the only reason I went to church as a kid , and I just didn 't care to wade into any of that . I didn 't mind that Elsie did because fighting the energy she put into it would 've just been stupid , and it never pulled her apart from me . There was a while there just after college , however , that Elsie did drift away from me . In a way , it almost seemed normal . We had just finished college , and had no strict connection anymore . There were a bunch of college friends that I quickly and quietly parted ways with . But a lot of those were people I said " hi " to as we passed on the sidewalk . Now their sidewalk was halfway across the country . Elsie and I had become close . That hadn 't been my imagination . Even our sidewalks were kind of close . So why did I not hear from her for five months ? She hadn 't even returned my calls . After school , I had gotten lucky . An alumnus owned a marketing firm close to my hometown and had given me a decent job . I even had enough money to get an apartment in a pretty nice part of town . Work was interesting enough , and I was supporting myself . I got back from work a little later than normal one night . In my apartment , my message machine was beeping . I tossed my coat on the couch , pressed the " play " button and began to rummage through the fridge . The first message was from my mother , telling me that she hadn 't heard from me in ages and I should call . The second was a reminder from my dentist that I had an appointment in two days . I had almost stopped paying attention when the third one started . " So , I know I haven 't kept up with you at all since graduation . Sorry . Umm … maybe we could catch up soon ? Gimme a ring sometime . " She listed her number and the message clicked off . I remember not knowing what to think . Half of me was tense with the anger of her not calling me , but the other half relaxed , soothed by finally hearing from Elsie again . I wondered what had happened to make her disappear and why she was reconnecting now . I didn 't sleep well that night . The next day I called her , and over a fairly short , awkward , and disjointed conversation we decided to meet for coffee that Saturday . I was nervous . I stood around my apartment for 15 minutes , ready to leave long before I needed to . After convincing myself that traffic would be bad and I really should head on , I finally did go . I was still at the little restaurant we had agreed on nearly 10 minutes early . But I guess maybe Elsie was a little nervous too . Walking in , I picked her out immediately . She was sitting at a table in the back corner taking a sip from a mug . Her hair was shorter than it had been at graduation , now falling just above her shoulders . I don 't remember walking back there , but suddenly I was standing before the table . " Oh , please don 't do this , will you ? Don 't you know I can see when you 're upset ? Just ask me the real question already . " I was taken aback . I hadn 't even realized it , but I guess I was so upset at Elsie that I wasn 't ready to deal with whatever it was that had happened . I just wanted Elsie back . But she was right : we needed to sort out whatever had happened first . Elsie sighed . " You remember at the end of school ? There were a million flyers around for different causes , groups , the military , stuff like that . " " For some reason , God knows why , one of the flyers caught my eye . I grabbed it and held onto it through graduation . It was for a women 's temple of some Taoist sect . Anyways , you know how I was . I didn 't have a clue what I was going to do once school was through . I lasted about a week at home before I realized I couldn 't stand sitting around under my parent 's scrutiny with nothing to show them for four years of tuition . So I decided I 'd go sign up . I knew they 'd never go for it , so I left them a note and snuck out the night I made up my mind . " Ok . I guess I get that . Why didn 't you call me afterwards , though ? " I managed to keep the anger out of my voice that time . " One of the stipulations of acceptance into the temple was that we take a vow to cut ourselves off from all contact with the outside world . They said it would help us achieve Tao , which would make us come in line with the universe and give direction to our lives . It wasn 't that I didn 't want to call you . I just couldn 't . " " So why are you back here and talking to me now ? Looking for more converts ? " That made her laugh , which made me happy and broke the awkward , latent tension . " No , no , I 'm not going to try to convert you . In fact , I quit . I realized the whole thing was crap . After five months of sitting around in a temple , it came to me that instead of giving direction to my life , the whole thing was just making my life even more stagnant . We weren 't doing anything . I mean , half of what they were trying to teach us was this ' action without action ' garbage . We weren 't doing anything ! " " Yeah , I guess so . But hey , life experience , right ? And you 've successfully debunked another religious system . That 's , what , two dozen that you can firmly mark off the list ? " " Oh , hell . I don 't know . How am I supposed to know ? " She got serious again . Her eyes sort of glazed over , and she stared into her mug . " How am I supposed to know what to believe ? But there is something out there , right ? There 's just gotta be . Where else would this feeling come from ? " I immediately regretted saying anything . She gave herself a small shake and looked up again . " Oh , never mind . I forgot , you only put up with that stuff as a courtesy , and you certainly don 't owe me any courtesies today . But damn , it 's good to see you again . " Elsie lived with her parents for a few months before she found a cheap apartment not far from where I live . That 's where she 's been living ever since . She worked as a waitress for a while before getting hired by an advertising firm . She was low level , but at least she had a job where her income didn 't depend on how many hours she could work . I think even that little bit stability in her life was really important for her . Ever since getting back from the Taoist temple , Elsie seemed just a little bit unstable . Not like she was going to crack up , nothing like that , but just that she always seemed a little off from who she was all through college . It was like she was constantly thinking about something else , and her brain was too preoccupied to put much work into her personality . Elsie was always on the extremes . Occasionally she would get super happy : running around joking , making good - natured fun of me , like how I couldn 't ever seem to find a girlfriend . I liked being around her when she was like that . The only problem was , it wasn 't quite her . Don 't get me wrong , Elsie 's a girl who knows how to have fun , but she seemed to be trying too hard , like she knew that 's what she was supposed to be doing rather than showing what she really felt . The other end of the spectrum , however , showed up far too often . Elsie frequently appeared depressed and disinterested in what went on around her . She 'd still go out , but she 'd be tired and her mind seemed to be elsewhere . Perhaps the biggest change was that she hardly ever spoke more than a few words at a time anymore . Some of her local friends stopped calling her . I suppose they felt she was just dragging down their nights . Not me , though . I still liked being around her . If we just walked around the lake and didn 't say a word that was fine . At least I was there in case she did want to say something . And one day out there , I think she did . We were walking around the lake on this gray , misty day that was cool to the verge of being cold . A gentle breeze was rustling the trees and sending ripples out over the water . Anywhere else , it would have been a crummy day , but being out there with Elsie on the path around the lake it seemed like an artist had painted the landscape perfectly just for us . Walking had become a regular ritual for the two of us . The first couple of times we were out I had tried to make small talk . Maybe I was trying to talk enough for the both of us , but whatever I said only ever seemed empty . No matter how much I jabbered , Elsie never responded past a small nod to acknowledge that she had heard me , so I soon embraced the peacefulness of the silence . It was relaxing , and I had even grown to relish the quiet time . So , as usual , we were out walking and not talking when Elsie slowed down . She turned to face me . Her eyes said that she was about to say something so I just remained silent and waited . She opened her mouth , but a shudder gripped her body . Turning to the side of the path , she bent over and after a couple of heaves began vomiting into the bushes . Elsie was ok the rest of the way to the car and didn 't throw up on the drive to her apartment , but she seemed shaken . When we got to Elsie 's apartment , I walked her up the stairs and sat her down on the couch . By then it was just past noon . " I think I 'll be all right . Besides , I 'm hungry . I just lost my breakfast , remember ? " She gave me a weak smile . " Lunch is served ! " I said as cheerfully as possible in light of her pale , expressionless face . She didn 't say anything but tossed something small to me . I caught it . Elsie might as well have tossed a grenade at me that day . I remember this part in the movie Letters from Iwo Jima where the Japanese soldiers defending the island were committing suicide before the Americans could kill them by holding live grenades to their chests . That was what it felt like . " Elsie you know that I 'll stick by you . I 'm not mad at you ; I 'm here to help you work through this . " I handed the test back to her , trying not to let my hand shake . She clutched it to her chest . I pulled the pin , drew her close , and it rested against mine as well . The ensuing days , weeks , and months were , I think , some of the toughest in Elsie 's life . When her parents found out , they went berserk . When she wouldn 't tell them who the father was , they stopped talking to her . I tried to get her to tell me , but my luck wasn 't any better . I suppose I tried to step into the void . Maybe that gave some people the wrong impression . Her parents , for example , whom I had always been on good terms with , turned their anger at their little girl toward me , even though Elsie explicitly told them that I was certainly not the father . I 've never had that kind of relationship with Elsie . I did as much as Elsie would let me do . Not that it was very much . Elsie took control of her pregnancy . She drove herself to every doctor 's appointment and wouldn 't let anyone else go with her . She was still working nine to five to keep up with her bills . I don 't know how she found the energy for it . I hear babies are supposed to tire their mothers out , but this one seemed to revitalize Elsie . Despite all of the trouble from friends and family , Elsie was more of herself then than she had been for ages before that . I was happy for her . But I was still rocked to the core . I knew Elsie , and she didn 't go sleeping around . Hell , I didn 't really admit to myself that there was a chance she had slept with some of her past boyfriends . How did Elsie get pregnant , I kept asking myself . She didn 't even have a boyfriend when it happened . Did I miss something within the silence of our walks ? Had I not been there for her enough ? One evening I was back at my apartment after work . It was about six months into Elsie 's pregnancy . I was eating dinner when my phone rang . Driving towards Elsie 's apartment , I wondered what it could be . Maybe she had tried to call her parents again . Mostly , they had just refused to pick up . She got away with using my phone once before it , too , apparently went onto the " ignore " list on their caller ID . A few times Elsie tried to bypass that barrier by calling from a pay phone only to run headfirst into another in the shouts of her mother . When I got there , Elsie was sitting on the couch . One of the childcare books that she had bought secondhand lay on the coffee table in front of her . I sat down next to her . " No , I 'm not . No , listen to me ! " She stood up and shoved the book off of the coffee table . " I 'm not going to be a mother . " " I … I miscarried . I saw the doctor today because I couldn 't feel the baby move . It 's dead . " Tears began to fall down her cheeks . Elsie started sobbing . I will forever remember her face at that moment . I don 't think I 've ever witnessed more emotion in a single instant before or since . " Yes it is . " Her body still shook , but she regained enough control to talk . " Last week , I was sitting at home after trying to call my mom again . She never picked up in the 14 times I tried . " Another sob racked her breath . " I tried to call you , but I guess you were at work . I 've been teetering on the edge of control for so long , and I just lost it . I literally went crazy . " It started off slow . I was furious . Mad at the world . I know you 're not supposed to drink when you 're pregnant , but I did . I started taking shots . I don 't remember how much I had . " Wow , I thought . Elsie 's a bit of a lightweight when it comes to alcohol . I didn 't have a clue where this was going , but I knew that a drunk , out of control Elsie did not sound good , never mind the fact that she was drinking while pregnant . " That didn 't help , though . I think it just made me madder . I started attacking everything around me . I kicked the door and threw the lamp across the room . And then … and then I started beating myself . I hit my head against the wall … and started punching my stomach . As hard as I could . " She broke down again . I was stunned . I 'd seen Elsie get heated before , but never anything like this . This broke all bounds of who Elsie was . I kept thinking , this has got to be a lie . Elsie would never do this . She took a couple minutes to regain enough composure to speak . " Finally , I tired myself out so bad that after I threw myself against the wall I fell down and couldn 't get back up . Between crying and the alcohol , I passed out . It was probably only about five in the evening by the time I passed out , but I slept through till morning . The baby hasn 't moved since . " She fell silent apart from the occasional hitch in her breathing from crying . Utterly at a loss , all I could do was wrap my arms around her . I felt completely empty , completely worthless . I hadn 't been around for her call when she needed me the most . As I held her head to my shoulder , I closed my eyes and for the first time in far too long , I prayed . Two months ago , Elsie had the operation to remove her child . Her parents even showed up to mourn with her . I guess that 's what a tragedy can do sometimes . I 'm pretty sure that I was the only one who heard the whole story from Elsie about how the miscarriage occurred . People don 't usually ask questions when you say " miscarriage . " I don 't think the doctors even knew everything . It 's been a strange time for Elsie these past two months . She 's been understandably muted , but at the same time , she seems confident . The fun - loving but perpetually searching girl I met in college has been joined with a woman more introspective and assertive . The result is a mixture that 's undoubtedly still Elsie , but it 's a new Elsie . And so I found myself driving to the airport . Four weeks ago , Elise decided she needed to get away . The memory of her unborn child haunted every step she took , she said . She needed some place where she could start over . I told her that place could be here , but she insisted . " No . I need somewhere no one knows me at all . Somewhere I don 't have to conform to any expectations . Somewhere I can just take time to sort out my life . " We pulled into the airport and parked . I took her bags out of my trunk and helped her carry them in . She took care of her own ticketing . I was intentionally kept back far enough that I couldn 't hear her speak to the airline assistant . Remaining bag ( she had checked the others ) in her hand , we walked over to the security checkpoint . She turned towards me . I felt my throat swell . Then she picked up her bag and walked through security . I stood there until I could no longer see her , then I walked back to my car . I sat inside not doing anything , as though I had forgotten how to drive . I thought of Elsie and prayed she would be all right . I prayed that wherever it was she was going , she would be happy . I prayed that she 'd find what she was looking for , because I knew that even as much as I loved her , neither I nor any other person on earth could give it to her .

Hye was waiting for her usual bus at the usual bus stop near her work place . It was late at night , almost 10pm . She was all alone . But , what she didn 't realize was that she wasn 't exactly all alone . There was someone who was watching her from afar , and another someone who was watching her from over the glass . Both of them wasn 't able to approach her . No , only one of them wasn 't able to approach her because he saw that she wasn 't alone . It wasn 't 3 minutes later that the bus came . It was very cold that night , but it didn 't bother Hye because her mind was somewhere else . She had been having late nights and her body condition wasn 't tip - top . She boarded the bus and because there wasn 't many people around , she was able to get a couple seat to herself . In such circumstances , the girl would usually sit near the window , but Hye chose to sit near the aisle . She put on her earphones and played her music . The lyrics of the first song on the playlist seemed to be singing out her story . She closed her eyes and unknowingly , tears flowed . There was someone who was watching her , beside her ; Hye of course wouldn 't have noticed . Hye was starting to weep a little , but there was no noise . The man seated next to her stretched out his hand to wipe off those tears rolling down the cheecks . The cold touch startled Hye . " I … " JaeJoong is lost for words . He didn 't know how to explain it to Hye . No matter how hard he tried to read her mind , he can 't . And , he was kept away from her with his mission . " And … You know . . Usually , at times like this , the ladies would usually sit at the window seat . And , they would rest their head on the window … Why ? " JaeJoong stopped his nonsense when Hye continued to stare at him . JaeJoong didn 't argue with Hye . He sat upright to match his shoulders to be higher than Hye . Then , he put his left hand over her shoulder and pushed her head to rest on his right shoulder . The third song continued to play on . Tonight , weirdly it seems , all the songs on Hye 's playlist seemed to be playing stories about their past . Both Hye and JaeJoong have many parts of their stories in bits and pieces . One thing JaeJoong didn 't realize is that Hye had a companion who was looking out for her at a distance . With that , Hye alighted the bus and ran a little until she was sure she wouldn 't be seen from the bus stop . As she ran , she couldn 't stop herself from crying . She sat at a bench and cried with all her might . Someone was seated next to her . He was protecting her in his own way . " I 'm sorry . I 'm sorry . Hye , I 'm really sorry . " JaeJoong found himself crying for the first time after his death . " As your senior , I only have one advise for you . You 're already dead . Don 't mess with the life of the living . No matter what you do , you can 't turn back time . " " Your fate with her ended in this life . But , no one can tell what 's coming up next . Haven 't you know enough to be able to guess ? " Hye entered her own room and he followed behind her . Hye slammed the door right at his face . But , in any way , it wouldn 't matter to him . " Hye ? Hye , wake up . You 're late . " Seo called out for Hye as she approached her sister . Seo touched her sister and realized that she 's down with a high fever . " Hot fever ? " Concerned , her mom burst into the room . " Let me see . " Her mom moved to the other side of Hye and touched her on her forehead . " Indeed . Seo , get some ice and cloth from the kitchen . Make sure to wet it . " With that , Hye 's mom busied herself the whole morning , trying to lower Hye 's body temperature . A house doctor had been called in and medicine prescribed . Worried , Hye 's mom couldn 't leave Hye an inch , but it was almost lunch time . " My dear , you need to take your medicine . I 'll cook you something , alright ? " Hye 's mom said in a very soft voice . " I 'm supposed to protect you . But , I couldn 't stop you from having a fever . You 'll come to know why later . " " I … am … " Puzzled , that guy continued to ask , " But , how did you manage to see me ? No , no , no , since when did you know of my presence ? " " I insist . " Hye sat up and thought for a moment . She took in a deep breath and heaved out a sigh . " I shall call you ' shadow ' . It was autumn . It was dark at night . Hye was walking by herself and she came to the signboard . She couldn 't read what was written . But , she entered . As soon as she did , the place lit up . It was a busy place . She took a glance around her surroundings . Then , she saw that she was being escorted by a lot of people behind her . " Why are you in a daze ? You want me to hold your hand ? " With that , the guy held her hand and dragged her to walk forward . " But , still … " That guy placed both of his hands on her shoulders and made her sat on the chair . " My princess , you can sit here and wait to be fed . " " Are you dreaming about him ? " Shadow asked the sleeping Hye . " Do you know that each time you dream about him , you would end up tearning . Although you wouldn 't know what exactly happened , but your dream will stay with you . I only worry that , you 'd feel miserable on the day you get the full story . " Yong Jae slept facing inside , but as soon as Hye lied on the bed , he turned and faced the other side . The dream stayed on for quite some time in the dark . Hye was staring at YongJae 's back the whole night . From the viewpoint of the Hye in the dream , Yong Jae wasn 't asleep either . In fact , he didn 't move an inch because he thought Hye was asleep and he was afraid he 'd wake her . The day went on very long and Hye , down with a hot fever , slept through the day . The dream went on and on in swirls . Shadow just sat beside Hye and tried to reduce her sorrow as much as he could . What Hye saw in her dream made her drew a distance with JaeJoong . She couldn 't tell from which is which . She knew that JaeJoong is hiding things from her . She wanted to question him . But , she need to find a good time . With lesser and lesser time that JaeJoong is appearing in front of him , what questions can she ask ? " Hye ! Hye ! Hye ! " Hye couldn 't hear her mom calling for her from level 1 . She went straight up after she entered the door to her room . She was deep immersed in her thoughts to hear or notice what 's happening around her . " I 'm sorry , mom " Hye was feeling apologetic towards her mom . Not because she didn 't hear her calling out for her , but because she was still deeply immersed in her thoughts . Hye was staring blankly at her mom as her mom spoke . " Oh well , nevermind . What have you been up to lately ? You seem to be lost in your own thoughts . " Hye 's mom moved to sit beside her daughter who was now sitting at her own bed . Hye was going to tear up , but she managed to hold it back . " Are you having a lot of stress recently ? " Hye knew that she 's going to burst into tears soon . She couldn 't bear to let her mom see her tearing up . No , in fact , she was afraid that her mom would question her . Because , she would have no answers to those questions . Her mind was in a stir . Hye continued to be in daze as her mom exited the room . There was someone else in the room . The feeling was positive . But , because Hye was too immersed in her own thoughts she wouldn 't notice a thing . There was a loud thud and it shocked Hye . It actually brought her back to the current world . Seo was standing at her door . " Just keep silent for a moment . " Seo moved around and her fingers moved towards the main switch of Hye 's room . She pushed the switch and it clicked off . " Quiet . " A few moments passed and Hye was so irritated she got out of her bed to switch on the light . She then held her sister 's hand and dragged her to sit on the bed . " Oh , nevermind . " Hye grabbed her towel and clothes and went straight into the bath . Seo watched Hye as she made every single movement and she was certain that she did not feel anything unusual about her own room . " You should be able to tell what I 'm made of . Don 't try me " Seo tried to threaten . " Just because we 've been busy with our daily lives doesn 't mean that I don 't bother about my dear sister . " " Me ? Ahh … No … No , I have nothing to say . " Seo replied her sister while shaking her head . Seo is acting weird today and to Seo , Hye seemed to have notice but she didn 't question about it . Seo left the room . One thing that she 's certain , Hye isn 't able to see that guy . Somehow , she didn 't know to feel happy about that or not . That night , Hye turned in early . But , it didn 't stop her from having her dreams again . JaeHak looked at Hye with a sorrow face , but he tired very hard to keep it from Hye . Each time , when Hye turned to look at him , he 'd smile at her brightly . Hye , being the innocent her , wouldn 't have noticed anything . The dream stayed sweet for a moment before it was moved to another scenario . Hye was walking down a path where all houses lined up in a straight line and it was dark in the night . She was all alone . She had a piece of her outer clothing wrapped up over her head in order to cover her face . She took each step forward with much cautious . She had ran out of somewhere , onto this street , in search for something . In the dream , Hye kept walking and none of the street lights lit up for her . Then she heard sounds behind her and she turned around , scared . She then heard some footsteps in front of her . She turned around and she 's being brought to another sencario . It was a back street . It was a dead town . Scared , Hye forced herself to walk fast foward in a haste . She stopped at a corner when she heard a voice . Then a fight broke out . Scared , Hye hid herself behind the house while she watched the 5 men fought . She saw that the man that they were trying to kill was JaeHak . Shocked , she let out a loud scream . JaeHak lost his focus on her and he was slashed by one of the shorter guys . Shocked , the 4 men fled . " Prince JaeHak ! " Hye shouted out to him as she ran towards him . She tried to hug him when he was in much pain , but because it was just a dream , when she tried to hug him , the dream shifted and the scenario changed . " Hello " Hye greeted the other lady that was with him before turning to him . Hye signaled to JaeHak to ask him who that lady is . But , Hye didn 't like the expression on his face . He was avoiding her glance as well . He didn 't bother to introduce her . The lady , didn 't bothered to introduce herself either . She glanced at Hye and then at JaeHak , as if she understood everything . She did , in fact . Hye kept shaking her head as she backed away from the scene . She was tearing up in her dream . She looked very heartbroken . After backing for what seemed 15 steps , Hye turned and walked , then it turned to brisk walking , then to running . " No … You shouldn 't . Why are you doing this to me ? You said you love me … You can 't do this to me . No , you can 't ! You can 't ! " Hye found herself weeping in her own sleep . " No … You shouldn 't . Why are you doing this to me ? You said you love me … You can 't do this to me . No , you can 't ! You can 't ! " JaeJoong seemed to have notice that something is not right . He tried to use his means to find out the reason behind it . What exactly had he found out ? What was the thing that he exchanged with his missions ? What did he realize that Hye come to know ? Would that change the relationship between the both of them ? Who exactly is that guy ? Filed under : Fans Fiction , Love after life - Leave a comment " No … You shouldn 't . Why are you doing this to me ? You said you love me … You can 't do this to me . No , you can 't ! You can 't ! " Hye jumped out of her bed and broke out in cold sweat . It was the sequencial dream that she keeps having after that night and tonight is already the 10th night . Everything was like a puzzle that she had to fix up herself and the story was incomplete - no , it was yet to be completed . Sometimes the dream stopped after once but at times , it continued the whole night . The amazing thing about dreams that Hye realized was , in reality everything happens by the seconds then minutes , but in dreams , everything happened in a flash within a spilt second . It wasn 't at all confusing , in fact , it told her many things within a single second - stunning yet scary at times . Hye got off her bed while she tried to catch her breath and relaxed herself . She glanced around and realized that JaeJoong wasn 't around . He hadn 't been around at night since after that eventful night . It wasn 't because Hye didn 't had the courage to question JaeJoong about it , but she knew that she shouldn 't . It was like a taboo , like how a little girl 's candy would be taken back if she questions the capability of her fairy god mother . Hye went to wash her face and realized that it was 6am . " Hye , could you help me with these ? I need to go for a meeting and I have an external meeting over lunch later . But , the boss wants this done by the afternoon . Please … Please … " Hye couldn 't reject . " I don 't get confused these days . " Hye signaled to JaeJoong that she has more work to do , putting the file right up to his face . But , of course , the file couldn 't touch him . Nothing can touch him unless he allows it . Or , unless it wasn 't human or an object . " Oh shit ! It 's already 1 . 30pm ! Since when did time pass so … Wait , I 'm hungry … " Hye was thinking of going to the cafe downstairs to grab something . She stood up and glanced around . She was the only one left . She grabbed her wallet and phone and was about to leave when the door bell rang . " It has been paid for . The address is correct . Do you have someone by the name of … " Hye glanced at the receipt that the person was holding and saw her own name . " That 's me ! " Hye shouted out , without realizing that she was being too excited about a lunch delivery . She was stared by the delivery guy . " Oh … Oh ! You can just give them to me . " Hye ensured that the person left the office before she turned around and head off to the pantry area . Once again , Hye broke out in cold sweat from her dreams . She stared at her clock and it says 3am . She had barely slept for 2 hours but it felt so long . She went to the toilet to wash up and changed into a new set of clothes before turning in again . This time , Hye awoke frozen in her bed . She felt numbed for at least a long 10 minutes before she could finally move . She felt that she wasn 't alone . Seo went into her room . She saw that Hye wasn 't alone . There was another presence that was being felt . But Seo didn 't know what that was . She couldn 't afford to scare her sister . It was obvious to the both of them that either of them are hiding something from each other . Hye couldn 't tell Seo out of fear and Seo couldn 't tell Hye because she shouldn 't get Hye involved and knowing about the existence of these things . On an additional note , she herself , wasn 't too sure either . Sometimes , the more we question about something , the more we get to know about a certain truth . Sometimes , the truth could be something desirable , but many times , it is a true fact so true and torturing that one wouldn 't be able to bear knowing the whole story behind . When we question , we choose what we want to question . And , when we remember , we have to be certain that 's worth remembering for what 's being remembered would not be forgotten even if that thought is missing from the brain , it lives in the subconscious mind . Hye wasn 't prepared for anything at all . For the next couple of days , it was hard to catch sight of JaeJoong . Hye was bothered about it when she had that free time to let her thoughts run wild ; sometimes on the way back and forth work and sometimes over lunch . These days , Hye likes to eat her lunch alone rather than having the company of her colleagues . She thinks that she needs time to herself to think about many things . But , each time she sits down to really give it a serious thought , her mind just went blank . She felt puzzled and frustrated about it . She could ask no one . JaeJoong wouldn 't tell her of anything even if she 'd try to ask , he 'd just change the topic and asking Seo is definitely not the best idea . She wouldn 't want JaeJoong to be hated by Seo . It was a Sunday night when Hye was tidying up her schedule for the following week . " Hmm … There 's just so many things to be completed in a week . Why do we have only 24 hours a day ? And , spending 8 hours a day for sleep is just such a waste of time ! " Hye complained to herself in her room . " And … " Hye glanced around her room . " Where is that Mr Kim Jae Joong ! " She exclaimed quite loudly to herself . Hye turned her chair around only to find herself stuck right in front of JaeJoong . JaeJoong was staring directly at her . Hye started to pout and cross her arms to show her dissatisfaction . " Don 't try to change the topic again . Answer me . Where have you been ? " Anger filled Hye 's voice . Hye stood up and her eyes matched JaeJoong 's eyes . He looked seriously tired . Hye 's eyes started to tear a little . JaeJoong softened . " You 're not going to say you 're going to tell me when the time is right . " Hye walked away from JaeJoong to escape his glance . " You know that I 'll be worried . I 've been worried about you for the whole week . Do you know how it feels like talking to myself , thinking that you 'd reply me ? Thinking that you 're actually right beside me and I couldn 't see you ? I 've been worried about your whereabouts . " " I know . That is it ? " Hye wasn 't trying to be pushy but she 's really worried . " Oppa , you can tell me frankly . " " Hye , it 's not that I don 't . It 's I am not supposed to . You need to understand that . " JaeJoong thought . Hye glanced at the clock . " You 're going to ask me to rest again ? But , oppa , you … " Hye felt too listless to continue . She didn 't want to quarrel with JaeJoong , especially so when he just returned after such a long time . One thing that Hye is very certain is , she 's still able to see him . Hye pretended that she listened to JaeJoong and went off to bed . Seeing that Hye is asleep , JaeJoong set off again . When Hye noticed that JaeJoong is gone , she get out of bed to get changed . She ran out of her house , onto the main street and found JaeJoong walking . She followed him but wondered to herself if that 's how ghost travel - by walking . She followed him quite closely but kept a distance so that JaeJoong wouldn 't know that he had been followed . She felt like a stalker and thought about to herself how his stalker fans must have stalked him like that previously . She saw him come to a halt in front of a condominium . JaeJoong stood there and stared at a single unit for at least 10 minutes before moving off again . " Why is he doing here ? Why did he keep staring at the apartment . Which apartment was it that … " Hye was distracted in her thoughts for a moment and before she realized it , JaeJoong was out of sight . She stood up and revealed herself , thinking , " Where did he disappear to ? He didn 't walked ? " There was a shine of light coming from behind . Hye turned . " No , I am … " Hye started off saying , but decided that she should lie . " I just came back from an exercise and will be heading back now . " Hye pretended to enter the building and pressed the lift when the security guard went off . " Phew , that was close ! What a time to be at a strange place and spotted by a security guard with no excuse . " As promised , JaeJoong did show up every night at Hye 's house and put her to sleep , but each night when she sees him , he gets a littler more tired than the previous night . Hye was worried but she didn 't question . She was unusually obedient to JaeJoong . JaeJoong was too tired for anything else so it didn 't cross his mind that Hye was being unusually obedient to what he has to say . Every night , when Hye pretended to sleep , JaeJoong would leave the house to go to that mysterious apartment . Hye would follow him only to fail to be able to tell which unit exactly was the one that he entered . But she was determined . " No , no , no it 's fine . " Hye insisted thinking that it 'd foil her plans . She had intended to wait for him at the apartment instead . Hye was there at 10 . 15pm . She knew that she could be early but she wouldn 't want to be late . So , she didn 't bother about the time . It was a good thing that the weather was kind to her that night . She waited at a bench nearby , close enough to be able to spot JaeJoong when he appears . After a long wait , he appeared . Hye was excited and determined when she saw his appearance . This time , he walked into the building . Hye followed closely behind . He was gone when she reached the lobby but she noticed that the lift stopped at 15th floor , so she took the lift up to the 15th floor . There were 6 units in that level . Hye started to walked back and forth at the lift lobby , wondering which unit could JaeJoong be at . " It 'd be insane to go and ring the bell of every single unit . People would complain and I 'd get into trouble and I can 't investigate . No , no , no , that 's a very bad idea . What can be done ? " The lift door sprang opened and a black suit man walked out . He looked beat . Hye followed behind him to see which unit he entered . He walked to the far end of the unit that the main door faced the whole corridor . She tried to followed closer up , intending to make a right turn to the unit at the right if he notice her . That black suit man turned his door knob and Hye stood there frozen . " Hye ! " He said to her , looking at her eyes . " It 's not safe here . Let 's go . " JaeJoong knew that the other two men would most probably appear soon if they found out . " What are you doing there ? Have you any idea how dangerous it is ? And , what time is it now ? Do you think it 'd be safe for a girl to … " Hye was still in a daze . " Forget it . I 'll take you home . " JaeJoong hated to see her cry . He hugged her . To Hye , he felt a lot colder than he used to be when they first met . She didn 't question . She knew the answer . She didn 't have that energy to either . " Alright , I 'll tell you . " JaeJoong said as he grabbed her hand and started to walk . " Let 's walk home while I tell you . But you 're not allowed to ask any questions . " Hye nodded in agreement like a 3 year old kid given a lollipop candy . " I 'm on a mission . I can 't tell you what mission is that . It 's against the rules . There are rules that I have to abide by while I 'm here . I didn 't know what happened that allowed me to stay here , but I have to exchange something with it for while I 'm here . There are people in charge of me to ensure that I accomplish my mission and to ensure that my identity wasn 't revealed . You are a threat . You 're not supposed to know anything . But , I stayed for you . " JaeJoong said , stopping now and then to check that his words are clear to Hye . " I have to do this every night . It drains my energy . I 'm always with you during the day . But , I need to rest too , so I didn 't appear in front of you . " " No , not exactly why . I couldn 't help much because it strains my energy as well . You were good at your work to begin with . " Hye nodded to show that she understood him . " It 's like an exchange . For the missions I complete , I get to stay here longer . There are things that I need to find out . I promise I 'll tell you when I get the whole picture … " They were almost at reaching Hye 's house . JaeJoong was glad that nothing happened . But he wasn 't glad for long . That two men appeared in front of him . JaeJoong didn 't know that Hye wouldn 't be able to see them . On the other far end of the street , he saw that Seo is standing there with her arms crossed and an angry look on her face . He didn 't have to ask to know . He and Hye walked nearer to the two men and Seo decided to walk towards them as well . Seo saw the two men and felt that their presence could be a threat so she decided to walk to Hye . " Hye , what are you doing out here in the middle of the night ? " Seo tried to shake Hye awake . " Are you sleep walking again ? " Seo pretended that she didn 't see JaeJoong or any of the two men . JaeJoong was glad that she did so . He didn 't want to put either sisters in any danger . Seo grabbed Hye 's arm and put it over her shoulders . She didn 't turn around to look at JaeJoong or the two men and made sure that Hye didn 't either . That night , Seo put Hye to sleep after feeding her with a cup of hot milk . That night , Hye had a rough night . She saw JaeJoong in the dream , but he wasn 't his usual self . He wasn 't laughing and he looked more tired than usual . He was , in fact , in pain . Hye found out what JaeJoong was up to at night , but she didn 't manage to get her answer . Her dream that night bothered her greatly but she didn 't question JaeJoong about it . JaeJoong still manage to keep her company during the day , appearing now and then when she needed him . But , that marked the start of the nightmares that Hye started to have at night . What exactly was all that ? To JaeJoong and Seo 's surprise , Hye actually had a visitor ever since that night - a non - human visitor . " You should know what I have been busy with , oppa . I had special trainings and after that we had discussions . And I wrote a note the other day to say I found an extra job so I 'll be working late at night too . " " It 's just so I can save up more money … for some uses … " Hye was planning to go on a vacation with JaeJoong . And , of course , there was no need to save for a 2 - person trip . JaeJoong ignored that fact . He was bothered with other things than what 's going on around the room now . Someone is waiting for him outside the door . Someone that he thought only he himself can see . " It 's late . You should really rest and save up the energy for tomorrow . " In fact , JaeJoong too can 't bear to leave Hye . As he turn to leave the room , Hye shouted , " By the way , I have all the rights to know … everything about you ! " Hye was angry . Having said that , she lifted her blanket with a flip and hid under it . JaeJoong turned and glanced at her with broken heart . " I 'm sorry , Hye . Now is not the time . I have no idea what 's going on yet . " He murmured really softly under his breathe . So soft , Hye didn 't hear a thing . " Hye … are you not going to wake up ? You 're going to be late for work . " Seo said to Hye as she opened her sister 's door . Seo glanced around and noticed that JaeJoong isn 't around . Seo was surprised but she didn 't ask much . " It 's not the time to be having dreams now . " Seo said as she pointed as the clock in Hye 's room . Shocked of the time , Hye jumped out of her bed . " I guess it should be . Where 's the paper ? " With that , Hye 's mom went out to get the morning paper for Hye 's dad . For the whole morning , Hye was stuck in the meeting room and discussions about a project at work that she and her team mates are working on . She had no time to think about JaeJoong and didn 't even notice that he wasn 't around since last night . It was almost lunch time when one of Hye 's colleague approached her . " Ung ? " Hye asked as she stared at her watch . " I didn 't realize it 's 12 . 30pm . I 've been busy with work . I still have a couple of things to finish up on before I can eat my lunch . " " We 'll just head down to the cafe downstairs then . EunJung - nim says she has an email to send before she can join us and SeungHee will be meeting us at the lobby shortly . Join us when you 're done . " " So much to be completed . " She said to herself in the empty office . Then she stood up and glance around . Luckily , there really wasn 't anyone around . She heaved a sign of relief and sat back down on her chair . " You will know later . " With that , JaeJoong pulled her out of her chair , grabbed her bag and put it on her shoulders and hold her by the shoulders and walked her towards the door . " No matter how busy you are , you need food . Your stomach says it is hungry . " They waited at the lift lobby and the lift arrived , slightly packed but still there 's space for at least 3 people . The both of them entered . Then , it stopped at the next level again . This time , 2 people were waiting . JaeJoong signaled to Hye that he 'd be at the lobby . Before she could react , JaeJoong was gone . Hye didn 't like the missing act . And somewhat , she remembered that he didn 't come back yesterday . Hye exited the lift and found JaeJoong seated gracefully at the sofa in the lobby . She walked towards him and in a low voice , said " Where were you last night and this morning ? I didn 't see you . " " You 'll be stared at talking to yourself . " JaeJoong has grown to be more conscious of their surroundings and accepted the fact that he 's invisible to everyone . " Now , let 's go to the cafe over there and get you some lunch . " JaeJoong put his hands on Hye 's shoulders and ushered her out of the building . There were a lott of people queuing to get food . Although the queue was long , the service was somewhat fast . Before Hye 's turn , she turned and look around at the crowd and there wasn 't any seat . Then she noticed her colleagues at the other corner and decided that she shouldn 't join them . Hye made payment and was given a receipt and a waiting number . It was barely 3 minutes when her order came out . She held the tray and walked towards the direction of her colleagues . JaeJoong was following closely behind and he was whisling in a good mood . " Oh really ? I was there for less than 10 minutes and I had everything . " Hye said as she glanced around to look for JaeJoong who had walked over to the other side of the cafe to seat under the tree . Hye stared at her food and sighed . Everyone ate and finished everything and went back to work . Hye had like 10 tasks to be completed that day and she was all prepared to work over time like the rest of the day . But everyday , she always never fail to finish her work faster than she should . " Don 't take it that I never say anything doesn 't mean that I approve of you . It 's all for my sister 's sake . Now , if you 'd let her be with her things and stop doing all those things to help her . " " Why don 't I ? " JaeJoong placed the book back on the desk and turned to face Hye with his arms crossed in front of his chest . " Now , if you 'd get off that bed and go to bath , you dirty fellow . " JaeJoong stood up and was about to reach out to Hye when Hye rolled herself out of bed . " I got it . I got it . I just came back and you want me to move . " JaeJoong has been doing the disappearing act for most nights that Hye would return after dinner time . After some nights , she realized that he always disappears after 10pm . Where exactly did he go ? What exactly did he do in between the time when he 's not with Hye . Is he trying to settle some other things that he didn 't accomplish ? Hye was getting curious and was very determined to find out . She shouldn 't alert JaeJoong about it because it has to be done in secret and in her own means . " Ung ? " Hye sat up and turned and looked at JaeJoong in a very swift movement . They were lying down on the grass getting the sunlight on their faces . " No … because you seemed to know that I liked you since a long long time ago … So … I was just wondering how did you … know … " " Recently ? How ? What do you mean ? " JaeJoong stood up from where he was seated and started walking off when Hye stood up and chased after him . Hye was ignored by JaeJoong again . Angry , she stopped at where she stood and crossed her arms in front of her chest and turned her head against where JaeJoong was walked . JaeJoong , noticed that Hye was not following turned back . JaeJoong stood at where he was positioned and looked at Hye . " Your neck will hurt this way . Look at me … " JaeJoong said in a soft voice and that melt Hye 's heart . She turned slowly first to look at JaeJoong . But something shocked her . " I don 't know is it because of the bright sunlight … " Hye looked at the sun and then set her focus back on JaeJoong 's face . She tip - toed slightly because it was even harder to tell where exactly JaeJoong is standing in front of her . " What ? ! What has that got to do with me being fair ? " JaeJoong was slightly annoyed . He didn 't like it when people say that his skin is fair because he couldn 't do anything about getting darker even with sun tanning . " The bus is not coming until a little while more . Maybe another 3 minutes ? " JaeJoong was looking at his watch when he said that and he was looking very cheerful and optimistic . Exactly 3 minutes later , the bus arrived as JaeJoong had said . Hye stared at him as he stepped up to stop the bus to board it . Hye flagged the bus too and it stopped in front of her instead of JaeJoong . They had both forgotten that not everyone would be able to know JaeJoong 's existence . Hye was having some special course that day for the whole day and the special training will go on for 3 days . Feeling bored , JaeJoong told Hye that he would be going somewhere else and he 'd see her at home . That night , Hye returned late because the people at her class had asked her out for a group dinner . " He needs to have a hand phone so I can tell him I 'd be late … How am I supposed to let him know ? Would he know . . ? " Hye stared up in a daze at the night sky as she thought of all these . " He 's not here ? " Hye slammed her own door before JaeJoong could react . He was seated on her bed . JaeJoong heard her running across to Seo 's room . " You don 't see him " Seo asked , slightly shocked . She stood up and walked towards Hye 's room , open the door and found JaeJoong seated at the end of Hye 's bed . " He 's here . Don 't you see him ? " " Ung ? " Hye turned to look inside her own room . JaeJoong was still seated at her bed . Hye tried to shield him from her mom 's view . " And you 're saying you are not acting weird ? " Hye 's mom pushed Hye to one side and walked into Hye 's room and sat by her study desk . Hye shifted her sight from her mom to JaeJoong . JaeJoong shrugged and shook his head . " No … that 's not what I meant but … but I just came back … and … and … I haven 't showered . " Hye set her focus on JaeJoong 's face , afraid that her mom might have noticed JaeJoong . " Why are you so out of sorts ? Did you have fun ? " Hye 's mom asked her as she stood and walked towards Hye and patted her on her head . Maybe because Hye 's mom saw the look on her face she said , " You seemed to have a hard day . Have a good shower and rest early . " She said that as she closed the door behind her . Hye had forgotten about something . JaeJoong too had forgotten about it . It was an hour later when Hye came out from her shower , all ready to go to bed . She laid down on her bed and JaeJoong tucked her under her blankets . JaeJoong was about to walk away when … " On the day of my accident , I saw a very bright light that flashed across my face . Then , I heard someone calling out to me . I felt like I had arrived in a very strange place . That place was very peaceful . It was all white initially then there were colours and faces and voices . It felt like a hundred years have passed within that swift moment . I saw everything . I saw you . But it wasn 't the you that you are now . I saw myself . But it wasn 't the myself now . I saw many other people . I saw Seo too and I saw many other people . I think I saw your parents too but their looks were different . Then the story went on . I saw what happened . Everything that happened … " " I have no idea how to explain about the way of our dressing when we first met . It wasn 't modern and we met a couple of times or should I say many times back before ? We were lovers before and before that . But our parents objected of our relationship . You seemed to be from a rich family , like you are now and I seemed to be from a family that wasn 't so well - off , exactly like what it felt like now . I saw you crying many times and then you were dragged away by people who seemed to be like your parents from before . We were seperated and we wasn 't able to meet at all . Then everything ended when your parents tried to arrange for your marriage , forcing you to marry a person that you didn 't loved and I have no idea what happened to you after that … " " Then it because different again . This time , we were students . We were not from the same class . I was quite sure I liked you then but you didn 't seemed to know who I was . I was pretty upset about it , being quiet most of the time . During that time , you had a lover . I was always watching you from far away . You seemed to know that I was watching you but you didn 't bothered with me . You had times of happiness with your lover then . But there was one day when the two of your fought and he pushed you onto the floor . You were crying very badly . I hit him out of fury . I consoled you . You started to take notice of my existence . But that was all . You didn 't accept my feelings for you . We became slightly closer friends but that was it . Then , you dated someone new after a few months later and everything ended there . I had no idea what happened next . " " This life … I saw you out of that many people . But , it was too late obviously . I saw you when you went for our first showcase , our first concert , our first fan meeting , our first recording live and I saw you at the airport several times . You were even at some of our tour concerts . I saw you a few times when you walked to the supermart near my place . I was always on my way out when I saw you . Why didn 't I took more notice ? " JaeJoong stared down at the face of Hye . She looked so sweet and peaceful , asleep . JaeJoong sealed a kiss on her forehead as tears rolled down his cheecks . The week passed by peacefully with Hye busy with her training and preparation works that followed after that . JaeJoong was bored by the work that Hye had to do so most of the time he didn 't sticked to her . He would appear at her room at night and sometimes she would find him seated at her study desk the next morning . There were times when JaeJoong said he would be back when he failed to . But one thing , Hye was never late for anything due to JaeJoong 's help . What exactly was JaeJoong busy with ? What exactly did JaeJoong help Hye with ? Would life really remain that peaceful as the couple would have liked it ? Seo suddenly disapproved of JaeJoong sticking on to Hye and even threatened JaeJoong . Why did she do that ? " What 's with the vibrant this early in the morning , my princess ? Why are you up already ? It 's hardly past 7am . " Hye 's father exclaimed as he put his brief case and coat and wanted to settle down on the chair . " Where 's Seo ? Is she still sleeping ? She 's always the one who wakes up about this time . " Hye 's mom said as she settled herself on the chair opposite Hye . In a swift moment , JaeJoong changed his seat to beside Hye . " I think that already happened . " Seo started out of nowhere . " Right , Hye ? " Seo said as she looked from JaeJoong to Hye in a short 1 second . Hye looked at Seo but she didn 't say anything . She knew . She knew that Seo knew about it . Seo probably knew what happened last night and she probably knew about the fact that Hye is now able to see JaeJoong . Hye helped her mother washed the dishes that morning ; something that she haven 't done so in a long time . She initiated to wash it . JaeJoong was seated on the table beside her the whole time and watching her while she washed . " No , I just like how your back looks when you wash the dishes . " JaeJoong said as he stood up and moved towards Hye . He leaned his back against the wall and he 's now facing the side of Hye 's left . " There 's somewhere I want to go . " Hye shouted from the staircase . She ran up the staircase and into the room . She closed the door behind her . She stared around the room and turned back pull open her door again . " This is totally embarassing ! " Hye shouted at the top of her voice . She draw the blanklet away from her and JaeJoong appeared in front of her covering her mouth . " This looks nice … No … Not that bottom … that doesn 't match … No … NO … That looks fine … Hmm … . " JaeJoong started commenting as Hye chose clothes to wear while lying sideways on Hye 's bed . Hye nodded feeling slightly sorry that she doubted JaeJoong . She walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind her . She wasn 't trying to be quick about her bath and had took about 45 minutes . She stepped out of her bathroom , all ready , only to find JaeJoong gone . Hye pushed herself away from him and wiped off her tears . She was slightly angry . She totally ignored JaeJoong , picked up her bag and head of downstairs . Her mother was sitting at the sofa in front of the TV , folding clothes . " Alright ! Alright . I shadn 't tease you then . " JaeJoong had put both his hands in front of his chest in case Hye would hit him . JaeJoong followed behind Hye as she walked down the long passage to where the bus stop is . A route that he felt so familar walking down the same path for since he was with Hye . But it was a different feeling today . He had purposely chose to walk behind Hye and Hye had turned back several times to urge him to walk beside her but he ignored it and urged that she should just walk ahead . He liked walking behind her , staring at her back . That kind of feeling felt so familar . It has happened before . He liked how it is now . He liked the fact that Hye loves him and how glad he was that he found Hye . Although he regretted that he had found her only after he was dead . He loves Hye . He remembered how much he loved her and how much he loves her now . But , Hye only remembered who Kim JaeJoong was . What is the past that Hye and JaeJoong shared in the past ? What was the flashback that JaeJoong had when he realized that he was going to die . What could a ghost - human relationship come to ? For the next couple of days , Hye remained very silent . There were a lot of things weighing on her mind . Seo knew what was it and she was wise to choose not to speak of it . JaeJoong kept following them around wherever they go . Seo was irritated but she couldn 't show it lest Hye realized she was irritated and start to question about it . Mom and Dad did notice the change in the girls and they questioned Seo about it but Seo eased their mind with her own logic . " I 'm not alone . We 're not alone . " Hye paused for a moment before she continued , " You said before that he 's here for me . He 's following me around , isn 't he ? " " Seo ! Seo ! Seo ! This is not the bus home . Why is she taking the bus ? Why are you taking it with her ? She shouldn 't take the bus . You 're supposed to walk home ! " JaeJoong was talking non - stop as soon as Hye settled herself down on a window seat and Seo went to settle down beside her . JaeJoong sat on a single seat that was in front of them . That night , Hye went online after dinner to search about all the possibilities . JaeJoong was watching her doing that . He couldn 't do anything to stop her . There was nothing that he could do except for the fact that he existed yet Hye was unable to see him . " I know you 're around , Oppa . " Hye started after she got tired of searching on the website . None of the results that came out satisfied her curiousity . " I know you know every single moment of mine . But I don 't see you . I don 't feel you . I don 't hear you . " Hye was trying very hard to calm her voice . " Why is it that you 're related to me yet I can 't see you but Seo can ? Can she even hear you ? Or perhaps even feel you ? " " I don 't know about all these either . But it seems only Seo is able to see me so far . I didn 't come here to upset you . " " Oppa … Won 't you say something ? I think I 'm crazy trying to speak to someone I don 't even see or feel . " It was getting harder to try to control Hye 's emotions now . She placed her legs in front of her chest and rested her head on her knees . It was at this moment that Hye started to tear up so badly . She was crying so hard in silent that it hurt JaeJoong so much . He started to pace around the room . He thought about finding Seo . But she wasn 't the best person to approach now . He tried to think of ways to console Hye but there was nothing that he could do ; she can 't see him , can 't feel him and can 't hear him . " Hye ! Hye ! It 's me ! Kim JaeJoong ! I 'm here ! Can you hear me ? ! " JaeJoong was screaming at the top of his voice . " Why can 't there be something done about this ? ! How can I stop you from crying ? What could I do to stop you from being upset ? " He paced around the room more and he tried to approach Hye but he didn 't touch her . He was watching over her tearing up so badly but there was nothing that could be done to stop that . He hated himself for being so useless . Hye was weeping so badly that her throat ran dry and she was starting to cough . JaeJoong moved to stand behind her wanting to give her a pat on her back . He tried . It failed . Hye continued to weep and cough . JaeJoong moved to stand on her right and that was the same time when Hye stood up , wanting to move to her bed . " What is that for ? " Hye questioned herself . She wiped her eyes that have been blurred by tears . Her vision didn 't quite come through . She picked a few pieces of the tissue off the tissue box and cleaned it such that her eyes became dry . Hye went totally quiet and she stared blankly at the space in front of her . JaeJoong turned around to see if there was anything behind him . There was none . He walked towards the door and tried to listen for footsteps . No one was approaching . He was worried that Seo would jump in any moment . The clock hit 12midnight . JaeJoong stared up at Hye , looking at her face , into her eyes . He went to stand at the opposite side of the bed . Hye was moving herself away from her table and towards her side of the bed . JaeJoong noticed her eyes . Hye tried to set her focus . She sat down on her bed and tucked herself into the blanket . JaeJoong stood still and watched her as she did . She didn 't speak again . " There are a lot of things I want to know . What does Seo means when she said we 're related ? Why are you dead yet you 're here ? How did you come to know about me ? How did you manage to find me here ? How was it possible that … " " I 'm sorry … It 's just that I 've wanted to know all these and I get to see you now . This could be my only chance and I need to know about all these . I think I 'm going crazy . And what about … " There were a lot of questions that she had to clear . There wasn 't time . She didn 't know when JaeJoong would disappear on her again . She didn 't want to waste a moment sleeping away . She wasn 't allowing him to disappear on her . There was no certainty because JaeJoong have no idea either if Hye would be able to continuously be able to see him , hear him and feel him or is there a time limit for all these . Hye stayed up the whole night and cleared her doubts . But there was one doubt which she had no answer to . JaeJoong did not have the answer either . They could only wait ; wait for dawn to break . What will happen when the sun rises ? Check it out Part 8 : I will protect you … . Comment [ FanFic ] Part 6 : You found me first before . It 's my turn now . That night , Hye did not sleep well . She was very certain that she had dreamed about something a lot but she wasn 't able to remember it after she woke up . It was bothering her because it was something important yet she didn 't manage to remember it . She was sulky the whole morning and was not in her usual self . Seo felt so frustrated that she ran in front of Hye and looked her right into her eyes . " What 's wrong ? " She asked being concerned but she sounded slightly pissed . Hye isn 't someone who would keep anything from Seo . And there was something else that annoyed Seo . He has been following Hye around in their house the whole morning and now , even when Hye is out in the streets . " Hye ~ something must be going on in your mind . Tell me ! You 're not even bringing Luis for a walk today . " Seo glanced over Hye 's shoulders , at him . He gave Seo the what - did - I - do expression and tried to avoid eye contact . Seo ignored that and walked along with Hye . Seo tried to keep quiet but Hye 's actions just bothered her too much for her to remain silent for long . " Seo , why are you so noisy today ? " Hye sounded slight frustrated . She turned and look at her sister . Hye don 't know if she should be telling all that to Seo . As she walked , she realized that she reached the park near their house . She took a seat at one of the benches and Seo settled down beside her . He was with them all this while . " I had a dream last night . A weird dream . As I remembered , it lasted very long . I dreamed about a face . But it was very blurred I can 't tell who he was . We were very close … like lovers maybe ? " Hye turned and looked at her Seo 's face . Seo urged her to carry on . " I don 't know … I can 't really remember … All I know was the person in my dream … He 's someone who I liked a lot … But I don 't have … " Hye and Seo sat there for a moment enjoying the bask while Hye clears her mind . He moved to seat in the shade near the tree opposite where the girls are seated . Seo continued to glare at him . That very night , Hye had the same dream again . Kim JaeJoong was in the room with her . He come to know what the dream was all about and who was the one who caused it . But it wasn 't really within his control . He sat there , beside Hye , watching her as she slept and as she dreamed about them being together . He moved forward to touch her on the face . She felt warm . Some intense feeling went through Kim JaeJoong and he removed his hand from her face . Another flashback . He had seen something that he shouldn 't . " I don 't … " Hye was trying to think back about the unusual things that she sometimes see . The unusual that she doesn 't talk to Seo about it . " How long has he been here ? Why is he here ? Who is it that he 's looking for ? How did he come to our house ? " Hye was just shooting all questions that came to her mind at Seo and at Kim JaeJoong . She had come to know . Her reaction wasn 't that of what Seo had imagined . And of course , Kim JaeJoong wouldn 't know that she would had reacted so . She wasn 't able to see him in his original form anyways . " Hye … I 'll tell you what you want to know . What I 've come to realize . Let 's go inside before we wake up mom and dad . " Seo tucked Hye into her bed and settled down beside her while she sat beside her , tucked into the blankets . Kim JaeJoong was standing up and looking down at the two of them . Seo was hoping that he could have seated down so he wouldn 't irritate her further . It was like the start of a Q & A . " She shouldn 't be asking all these . And you shouldn 't be telling her all these . " Kim JaeJoong was interrupting them . But it was only Seo who could hear him clearly and she has chose to totally ignored him . Kim JaeJoong sat down , crossed arm on the floor as Seo continued to stare at Hye . He was mad … But he wasn 't mad at Hye or Seo . He was mad at something else that he couldn 't exactly tell what it was . " I don 't know . I have … I can 't … I don 't know … " Hye started to cry and she went to hide under her blankets . Has Seo told Hye too many things ? So much that Hye shouldn 't even know ? Will Hye eventually be able to see him as what she wanted ? How was it that she would be able to see him ? Would Seo be approving about all these ? Seo left Hye 's room when dawn broke that morning . She kept trying to figure out what was it that she felt the previous night that kept her awake the whole night . She felt the need to be stronger so she could protect Hye . Hye didn 't leave her room at all that day and Seo was very worried that Hye is taking the matter in too hard but she also knew that nothing she say will get into the brains of Hye 's . Seo went into Hye 's room from time to time to check on Hye but she didn 't move an inch . Seo was frustrated after several tries and she went to pull Hye out of bed only she realized Hye was running a fever . Freaked out , she called their family doctor . Seo cooked something light for Hye and fed her medicine . That night , Seo slept by Hye 's bed side . Hye was sick for continuously two days . Hye felt better on the third night and was awake in the middle of the night . She saw Seo sleeping beside her bed and tired to get off bed with cautious . Hye went to open the door only to see something running away from her door . Freaked out , she let out a scream . Hye 's scream woke Seo and Seo ran towards her sister . Seo went to check around the house but didn 't notice anything unsual . She couldn 't find anything unusual because that object had went to hid behind the kitchen . Feeling unsafe to leave Hye alone , Seo went back up . " There was nothing there . " Seo assured Hye but was unsure about that fact . She didn 't show that on her face ; afraid to freak Hye out . But Seo was determined to find out exactly what that was . " There 's nothing . Now , why are you awake at this hour ? Are you feeling any better ? " Seo asked gently as she moved her hand to touch Hye 's forehead . " Seems like you 're not having any fever anymore . " " Yeah . I don 't know how to explain it . Just light feeling . Maybe because of the fever , I was feeling heavy the last couple of days . " Seo went down to the kitchen and also to check around the house once more . She wasn 't able to detect anything special . She made it quick and ran back upstairs , made sure Hye finished her milk and tugged her under her blackets . Next day , Hye was feeling all better and insisted that she would go back to work the following day . Their parents wanted Hye to rest more but Seo assured them that Hye would be alright . But the fact was , Seo didn 't want Hye to be staying in the house whole day . Seo drove Hye to work and back home for the next couple of days . Nothing special happened the next couple of days . Seo was in fact worried about Hye because her reaction at the hospital and after she came back home was totally different . Hye didn 't even bothered with reading the news about it nor did Seo see Hye searching on the internet about it . Being Hye 's sister , Seo was extremely worried for Hye but she wouldn 't ask Hye directly . Hye looked like she was braine washed and her no recollection about the incident . " Had the shock been too big ? " was what Seo was worried about . That night , Seo had a lot of work to clear so she brought them home . She could have done it in the office but felt the need to keep Hye company . During times like these , Seo would really be a nice sister to have . Seo was working deep into the night when she thought she heard some noise . She dropped everything and went towards Hye 's room to check on her . She was shocked to see what she had found walking outside Hye 's door . She approached the figure . The figure sensed her and tried running away . " Don 't try to run ! " Seo raised her voice slightly . " What are you ? I know you 've been here couple of days now . What do you want from Hye ? " She spoke to the back of the figure . The figure refused to turn so Seo had no choice but to take a closer look . She saw someone she knew . " I don 't believe my sister know you . " Seo wasn 't convinced but it didn 't seemed like a lie to her . Everything was so puzzling . " Talking to ? I wasn 't talking . " Seo was trying to confuse Hye by denying . " Go back to sleep . It 's only 3am . " Hye rubbed her eyes , noded and went back to her bed . After checking that Hye went back to sleep , Seo went back to her working desk . She lost all her concentration . " Life after death . What was that about ? " Seo was very curious about it so she tried to do a search online and out came many results . She read through most of them which made her even more confused because there were so many different theories so she had no idea which was true . She was determined to find out . Seo , she was over protective for Hye so rather than having fear that night , she felt more courage in her . It wasn 't the first time tht she had seen things that didn 't existed . She had seen her grandfather after he had passed away or sometimes when they go to attend funerals , she 'd see or sense things . These didn 't bother her at all . She wasn 't ready to accept things as she had seens and neither did she have anyone she could ask . Looking at the direction that Seo was staring at , she said , " No matter who you are . Or no matter what you are . I can 't see a single thing . But don 't you dare bother Seo . " Seo was shocked at Hye 's statement because it was the first time that Seo had seen Hye acting this way . Altough it wasn 't the first time that Seo had seen things , Seo was certain that Hye wasn 't able to see or sense what she was always able to . Seo was sure that Hye was different from her . Seo had no idea how to react to this issue because she had no idea what he meant by " I am here for her . " and " … relationship we shared before . " Seo was feeling very uneasy about it but she couldn 't show it on her face to get Hye suspicious . Seo had come to know that she was able to see things after her grandfather 's death when she was young but she had always thought that she was the only one who see them and if she figured if she had no reaction to that , no body would find out eventually . Hye , she had no idea who Seo was talking to but she knew that something was there . She wasn 't able to see anything but she was able to sense something . What Seo didn 't know about Hye was , although Seo was able to see things , Hye was able to sense them . But because of Hye 's cheerful personality , she didn 't show it at all . What Hye didn 't know was that she was actually staring at the person she had loved , loves and will love - Kim Jae Joong . Will Seo tell Hye that Kim Jae Joong was actually there that night ? Or would Kim Jae Joong tell Hye personally ? Or will Hye be able to find out about it herself eventually ? Will Hye ever get to know about it and will she ever get to meet Kim Jae Joong ?

" Remember , go straight to Grandma 's house , " her mother cautioned . " Don 't dawdle along the way and please don 't talk to strangers ! The woods are dangerous . " " Oh thank goodness dear ! Come in , come in ! I was worried sick that something had happened to you in the forest , " said Grandma thinking that the knock was her granddaughter . A few minutes later , Red Riding Hood knocked on the door . The wolf jumped into bed and pulled the covers over his nose . " Who is it ? " he called in a cackly voice . Every man would have given anything , including his life , to marry her . Indeed , their lives are just what they did give , for Fate had decided that no mortal would every marry the Snow Queen . But in spite of that , many brave souls did their best to approach her , hoping always to persuade her . Without the slightest emotion , the Queen would watch the scene , her heart of ice unable to feel anything at all . The legend of the crystal palace and the beautiful heartless Queen spread as far as the most distant alpine valley , the home of a fearless chamois hunter . Fascinated by the tale , he decided to set out and try his luck . Leaving his valley , he journeyed for days on end , climbing the snowclad mountain faces , scaling icebound peaks and defying the bitterly cold wind that swept through the alpine gullies . Summoning all his courage , the young man entered the Throne Room . But he was so struck by the Snow Queen 's beauty that he could not utter a word . Shy and timid , he did not dare speak . So he knelt in admiration before the Queen for hours on end , without opening his mouth . The Queen looked at him silently , thinking all the while that , provided he did not ask her hand in marriage , there was no need to call the goblins . Then , to her great surprise , she discovered that his behaviour touched her heart . She realised she was becoming quite fond of this hunter , much younger and more handsome than her other suitors . Time passed and the Snow Queen dared not admit , not even to herself , that she would actually like to marry the young man . Seeing that the Queen was slow to give the order to get rid of her suitor , the goblins decided to take matters into their own hands . One night , as dusk fell , they slipped out of the cracks in the rock and clustered round the young chamois hunter . Then they hurled him into the abyss . The Snow Queen watched the whole scene from the window , but there was nothing she could do to stop them . However , her icy heart melted , and the beautiful cruel fairy suddenly became a woman . One upon a time , there was a king who was sick . All the doctors in his kingdom and outside could not provide a remedy for his disease and he continued to suffer until he fell very ill . The best of the medicine men saw no hope for him and predicted that there was about a month or so for him to live . " I cannot say that . Her face is not very clear , but she is certainly not the queen . But I see you living with this woman in a healthy state . " Shortly after his death , an woman came to the palace and told the king 's mother that she could make him live again . She asked for permission to be admitted into the room where the king 's corpse had been kept . This was readily granted and while Maria , the queen , was busy superintending the preparations for burial and getting ready the collation for the mourners , this woman put her hand on the king 's head and uttered some magic words . Soon the king arose , but he had lost his memory . He embraced the woman tightly and spoke many sweet words to her . News soon spread across the land that the king had fallen in love with a woman and could not recognize his own wife Maria . Meanwhile , the woman forced the queen to obey her and work as a slave in the kitchen , while she wore the queen 's robes and lay on the queen 's couch . Maria , being a gentle woman by nature and due to her gratitude to the woman for reviving her husband , obeyed her orders without any protest and suffered silently . But the royal astrologer could not bear this . One day , as the woman forced the queen to mop the floors , he went to the king and told him about all that happened after his death . The king was at first disbelieving , but then he slowly began to remember it all . When Maria was brought to him , he could finally recognize her as the real queen . Infuriated beyond words , he called for the woman who was his life - giver and said to her , Soon the guests arrived . Aunts , uncles , cousins , and friends came carrying even more presents . Marie ran to greet her godfather . He was an odd - looking man . He was tall and thin . He wore a black patch over one eye and a frizzy white wig on his head . He looked magical and spooky . But he was a wonderful godfather . He always came with amazing toys that he had invented himself . The soldier marched around the room ! Left , right , left . right . As the key turned , he marched slower and slower . Then he jerked to a stop . The Godfather looked under the tree . He picked up his present for Marie and gave it to her . It was a nutcracker shaped like a little man . Marie knew at once that the nutcracker was special . His legs were too short . His head was too big . He wore a fine purple suit with brass buttons . On his head was a funny little hat . His eyes were kind and gentle . He had a white beard and a wonderful smile . After the party was over and everybody was in bed , Marie could not sleep . She tiptoed downstairs into the dark living room . It was so , so quiet …… and then … . " Godfather , you scared me ! " cried Marie . But before she could say another word , the most amazing thing happened . The Christmas tree began to grow . It grew bigger and bigger - and bigger . The door of the toy chest flew open . Out popped toy soldiers , puppets and dolls . They were led by Nutcracker . Now he was the same size as Marie . Marie and the prince went into the palace . They sat together on a golden throne in a crystal room . All the people in the land of sweets appeared . One by one they performed their special dances for the prince and Marie . Chinese dancers jumped out of a giant teapot and did a lively dance . From Russia came the dancing candy canes . From France came Mother Ginger and her little puppets . They ran out from under her skirt and did a playful dance . Once upon a time , there lived a wood cutter and his wife who had three sons . The eldest two were strong and tall , and their mother and father were always telling them how handsome and clever they were . But the youngest son was just a bit simple in the head . He wasn 't very tall , and he wasn 't very strong , and his family thought he was good for nothing . They hardly ever called him by his real name , but instead they gave him a cruel nickname . They called him Dummy , because they said he was stupid . One day the eldest son wanted to go to the forest to cut wood . The mother praised him for being such a useful boy and before he set out , she gave him some of her best fruit cake for his lunch , and a bottle lemonade to wash it down . While the boy was walking through the forest , he met a little grey old man who said to him : And the little grey old man went away , but not without taking his revenge . He put a curse on the boy , so that when he started to cut a tree down , his axe slipped and went into his leg . The boy limped home to his mother who washed his wound and bandaged him . The next day , the second eldest son went out to the forest to cut wood . Before he set out , his mother praised him for being such a useful boy , but especially asked him to be careful with the axe , so as not to have a nasty accident like his brother . The boy promised not to be careless , and his mother gave him some of her best sponge cake for his lunch , and a bottle of lemonade to wash it down . It happened that as the boy was walking through the woods , he came across the same little gray old man . The man said to him , " Do please share your sponge cake and your lemonade with me , for I am so terribly weak with hunger and thirst . " And the boy said ; And the little grey old man went away , but not without taking his revenge . Not long after , when the boy was cutting down a tree , his axe flew out of his hand and hit him on the head . He crawled home to his mother who bandaged up his wound and asked him why he had not kept his promise to be more careful . " Since you have a good heart , and have shared what you have with me , I will give you a reward . You see that old tree over there . Cut it down with your axe and you will find something of value inside its hollow trunk . " And so the boy decided to run away from home . He put the golden goose under his arm and set out for the town . Then he went to the inn , intending to stay there . He stood at the bar and asked the innkeeper if he would accept a golden feather as payment for his board and lodgings . When the innkeeper , saw the golden goose , he readily agreed . But after the boy had gone to bed he said to his three daughters : After the clock struck midnight , she sneaked into the boy 's room , and saw that he was asleep with his arm around the golden goose . She crept up and tried to pluck a feather . But the feather wouldn 't budge , and when she tried to take her hand away , she found that she was stuck to it . She couldn 't move , and she couldn 't cry out for fear of waking the boy . She had to stay where she was , on her knees by the bed , with her hand on the feather . The boy and the goose slept soundly through all of this . In the morning the boy got up , paid his bill with a golden feather , and left with inn with the goose under his arm . The sisters had no choice but to follow on behind him . A pretty procession they made . Further up the road they met a Police Sergeant . The Bishop called out to him " Sergeant : Help me get free from this young woman 's shoulder . I 'm stuck to her and people are bound to start all kinds of gossip about it ! " ' What 's this town coming to ? " cried the Mayor . " The Bishop and the police sergeant following three young girls who are following a young boy , all holding on to each other in a most unseemly fashion . Have they gone mad ? " The boy led the little line of townspeople along up the road , and at the top of the hill they passed the King 's Palace . Now the King 's daughter was very beautiful , but she had the saddest face in the whole wide world . She had never laughed and not once even smiled . The king was so troubled by the young Princess 's unhappiness , that he had made a special law . Whosoever could make her laugh and smile would win her hand in marriage . As the boy known as Dummy went past the palace , he still held the golden goose under his arm , and he was followed by the innkeeper 's three daughters , the Bishop , the Police Sergeant , and the Mayor . The Princess looked out at saw the important people in their uniforms being tugged along behind three girls and a boy with a goose , and she thought that it was the first thing she had seen in her life that was truly funny . She burst out laughing and ran , still giggling , to her father to tell him all about what she had seen . When the King looked out of his window and saw the procession , he couldn 't help laughing himself . He sent for his guards and told them to bring the boy and his followers directly to him . When the boy entered the King 's chamber , with the followers behind him , the Mayor , the Bishop and the Policeman all called out angrily that he should pay for his crime with his head . The King , still laughing , said that on the contrary - he would be rewarded with the hand in marriage of his daughter the Princess . Once upon a time the king held a great feast and invited all her suitors . They all sat in a row , ranged according to their rank - - kings and princes and dukes and earls and counts and barons and knights . When the princess came in , as she passed by them , she had something spiteful to say to each one . The sixth was not straight enough ; so she said he was like a green stick that had been laid to dry over a baker 's oven . She had some joke to crack about every one . But she laughed most of all at a good king who was there . At twilight , he clambered down over the wall into the garden of the enchantress , hastily clutched a handful of rampion , and took it to his wife . She at once made herself a salad of it , and ate it greedily . It tasted so good to her - so very good , that the next day she longed for it three times as much as before . Rapunzel grew into the most beautiful child under the sun . When she was twelve years old , the enchantress shut her into a tower in the middle of a forest . The tower had neither stairs nor door , but near the top was a little window . When the enchantress wanted to go in , she placed herself beneath it and cried : After a year or two , it came to pass that the king 's son rode through the forest and passed by the tower . Then he heard a song , which was so charming that he stood still and listened . It was Rapunzel , who in her solitude passed her time in letting her sweet voice resound . The king 's son wanted to climb up to her , and looked for the door of the tower , but none was to be found . He rode home , but the singing had so deeply touched his heart , that every day he went out into the forest and listened to it . Ah ! you wicked child , ' cried the enchantress . ' What do I hear you say ! I thought I had separated you from all the world , and yet you have deceived me ! ' He wandered quite blind about the forest , ate nothing but roots and berries , and did naught but lament and weep over the loss of his dearest wife . Thus he roamed about in misery for some years , and at length came to the desert where Rapunzel , with the twins to which she had given birth , a boy and a girl , lived in wretchedness . He heard a voice , and it seemed so familiar to him that he went towards it , and when he approached , Rapunzel knew him and fell on his neck and wept . Two of her tears wetted his eyes and they grew clear again , and he could see with them as before . He led her to his kingdom where he was joyfully received , and they lived for a long time afterwards , happy and contented There was a king who had twelve beautiful daughters . They slept in twelve beds all in one room and when they went to bed , the doors were shut and locked up . However , every morning their shoes were found to be quite worn through as if they had been danced in all night . Nobody could find out how it happened , or where the princesses had been . A king 's son soon came . He was well entertained , and in the evening was taken to the chamber next to the one where the princesses lay in their twelve beds . There he was to sit and watch where they went to dance ; and , in order that nothing could happen without him hearing it , the door of his chamber was left open . But the king 's son soon fell asleep ; and when he awoke in the morning he found that the princesses had all been dancing , for the soles of their shoes were full of holes . Down they all went , and at the bottom they found themselves in a most delightful grove of trees ; and the leaves were all of silver , and glittered and sparkled beautifully . The soldier wished to take away some token of the place ; so he broke off a little branch , and there came a loud noise from the tree . Then the youngest daughter said again , ' I am sure all is not right - - did not you hear that noise ? That never happened before . ' They came to another grove of trees , where all the leaves were of gold ; and afterwards to a third , where the leaves were all glittering diamonds . And the soldier broke a branch from each ; and every time there was a loud noise , which made the youngest sister tremble with fear . But the eldest still said it was only the princes , who were crying for joy . Ta - Khai , Prince of Tartary , dreamed one night that he saw in a place where he had never been before an enchantingly beautiful young maiden who could only be a princess . He fell desperately in love with her , but before he could either move or speak , she had vanished . When he awoke he called for his ink and brushes , and drew her image on a piece of precious silk , and in one corner he wrote these lines : So displeased was the prince that he sent them away in disgrace to the most remote provinces of his kingdom . All the courtiers , the generals , the officers , and every man and woman , high and low , who lived in the palace came in turn to look at the picture . But they all had to confess their ignorance . Ta - Khai then called upon the magicians of the kingdom to find out in magic ways the name of the princess of his dreams , but their answers were so widely different that the prince condemned them all to have their noses cut off . The portrait was shown in the outer court of the palace from sunrise till sunset , and travellers from all over the world came in every day , gazed upon the beautiful face , and came out again . No - one could tell who she was . It was in this way , one day , that he came to the edge of a cliff . The valley below was scattered with rocks , and the thought came to his mind that he had been led to this place to put and to his misery . He was about to throw himself into the depths below when suddenly a Phoenix flew across the valley and appeared before him , saying : " Without the help of Supreme Heaven it is not easy to acquire wisdom , but it is a sign that Heaven has sent me to help you . I can make myself large enough to carry the largest town upon my back , or small enough to pass through the smallest keyhole , and I know all the princesses in all the palaces of the earth . They all know my song , and I am their friend . Therefore show me the picture , Ta - Khai , and I will tell you the name of the princess you saw in your dream . " At nightfall they were flying over the palace of the king just above a magnificent garden . And in the garden sat Sai - Jen , singing and playing upon the lute . The Phoenix deposited the prince outside the wall near a place where bamboos were growing and showed him how to cut twelve bamboos between the knots to make a flute with a sound sweeter than the evening breeze on the forest stream . At that moment the wonderful bird , like a fire of many colours come down from heaven , landed in front of the princess , dropping at her feet the portrait . She opened her eyes in utter astonishment at the sight of her own image . And when she had read the lines inscribed in the corner , she asked , trembling : One day , the priest needed the boy to bring him something from the market . He looked everywhere but could not find him . At last , he peeped through one of the church windows to take a look inside and found the boy playing with someone . He opened the door quietly to find that the boy 's playmate was none other than the statue of the child Jesus . The white alabaster sculplture had somehow come alive . It had left its shrine and was down on the floor talking and playing with the boy . " Yes , I met him sire . I asked my friend if my master will go to glory in heaven ? But he said that you will not , because you have neglected your father and mother . " When the padre heard this , he went back to his poor old father and mother whom he had neglected till then . He brought them to where he lived and treated them with utmost kindness , love and respect . He lavished on them every care and did not let anyone else do even the least bit for them . When he saw the joy that his parents recieved because of his kindness towards them , his own happiness stopped having any meaning for him . Slowly , he began to have a change of heart and he stopped thinking about any heavenly reward . All day and night , he thought of ways to make his parents happier than they were . It was not the thought of heaven , but the thought of his parents ' happiness that led him to do more and more for them . The priest was very sad . He could not get over his grief at the loss of his parents for days . But one night , he was awakened from his sleep by his son , who had grown a little older by then . The boy told him to listen . There was a soft and lovely music that seemed to be playing all over the convent . The gift was brought in during a royal audience . The courtiers vied with each other in their admiration of the marvelous fruits . Trang Quynh was there , as he was an official too . He went up to the peaches , picked up one , carried it to his mouth and bit into it with relish . " Well , sire , seeing these peaches called longevity . I wanted to eat one , because I wanted to live as long as possible . But I hadn 't even eaten a quarter , when already death , without a word of warning , came and grasped me by the neck . This leads me to conclude that if Your Majesty commits the fatal mistake of eating all the remaining peaches , you can imagine what will happen . " While she was there , she met a handsome young man named Liang Shan Bo . They became best friends and spent most of their time together , sharing a love of learning and enjoying each other 's company . Liang never guessed that Zhu was actually a girl . Time passed , and soon the young people had finished their studies and were ready to go home . Zhu realised that she had grown to love her best friend , but of course she could not tell him . Instead , she came up with a clever plan . She told Liang that she had a pretty younger sister of 16 years who was sure to please him and make him happy . She suggested that Liang visit the family to meet , and possibly marry , the younger sister . He agreed eagerly . Zhu travelled home , happy that soon she would be seeing her friend again . A long year passed . Zhu almost gave up hope , but one happy day Liang arrived to meet the family . As soon as Liang saw Zhu he realised who she was , and he was overjoyed to find that she loved him . For a brief time , the couple were happy in each other 's love and looked forward to a future together . Their happiness was short - lived . Zhu 's father announced that he had arranged for her to marry a rich man . Zhu pleaded with her father to change his mind , but he would not relent . Liang must leave immediately . Poor Liang left , heart - broken and alone . Soon , in his despair , he grew ill , and died . Zhu heard of his death and she , too , was heart - broken . But she could do nothing to stop the arrangements for her marriage to the rich man . When the time for the wedding came , she travelled along the road on which Liang had died . Soon , her wedding procession came to Liang 's grave . The skies grew stormy and the winds howled around the wedding procession as Zhu sobbed , wishing that she could join her true love rather than marry the rich man . Suddenly , it seemed that her prayers had been answered . A huge bolt of lightning struck the grave and it split open . In a flash , Zhu threw herself into the grave , so that she could be with Liang forever . As suddenly as the lightning had struck , the storm disappeared and the skies cleared . Two beautiful butterflies were seen rising out of the grave and dancing together in the sunshine . Liang and Zhu were together , and would never be separated again . The story takes place in Baghdad during the Abbasid era . Ali Baba and his elder brother Cassim are the sons of a merchant . After the death of their father , the greedy Cassim marries a wealthy woman and becomes well - to - do , building on their father 's business - but Ali Baba marries a poor woman and settles into the trade of a woodcutter . One day Ali Baba is at work collecting and cutting firewood in the forest , and he happens to overhear a group of forty thieves visiting their treasure store . The treasure is in a cave , the mouth of which is sealed by magic . It opens on the words " Open , Simsim " , and seals itself on the words " Close , Simsim " . When the thieves are gone , Ali Baba enters the cave himself , and takes some of the treasure home . Ali Baba borrows his sister - in - law 's scales to weigh this new wealth of gold coins . Unbeknownst to Ali , she puts a blob of wax in the scales to find out what Ali is using them for , as she is curious to know what kind of grain her impoverished brother - in - law needs to measure . To her shock , she finds a gold coin sticking to the scales and tells her husband , Ali Baba 's rich and greedy brother , Cassim . Under pressure from his brother , Ali Baba is forced to reveal the secret of the cave . Cassim goes to the cave and enters with the magic words , but in his greed and excitement over the treasures forgets the magic words to get back out again . The thieves find him there , and kill him . When his brother does not come back , Ali Baba goes to the cave to look for him , and finds the body , quartered and with each piece displayed just inside the entrance of the cave to discourage any similar attempts in the future . Ali Baba brings the body home , where he entrusts Morgiana , a clever slave - girl in Cassim 's household , with the task of making others believe that Cassim has died a natural death . First , Morgiana purchases medicines from an apothecary , telling him that Cassim is gravely ill . Then , she finds an old tailor known as Baba Mustafa whom she pays , blindfolds , and leads to Cassim 's house . There , overnight , the tailor stitches the pieces of Cassims ' body back together , so that no one will be suspicious . Ali and his family are able to give Cassim a proper burial without anyone asking awkward questions . The thieves , finding the body gone , realize that yet another person must know their secret , and set out to track him down . One of the thieves goes down to the town and comes across Baba Mustafa , who mentions that he has just sewn a dead man 's body back together . Realizing that the dead man must have been the thieves ' victim , the thief asks Baba Mustafa to lead the way to the house where the deed was performed . The tailor is blindfolded again , and in this state he is able to retrace his steps and find the house . The thief marks the door with a symbol . The plan is for the other thieves to come back that night and kill everyone in the house . However , the thief has been seen by Morgiana and she , loyal to her master , foils his plan by marking all the houses in the neighborhood with a similar marking . When the 40 thieves return that night , they cannot identify the correct house and the head thief kills the lesser thief . The next day , another thief revisits Baba Mustafa and tries again , only this time , a chunk is chipped out of the stone step at Ali Baba 's front door . Again Morgiana foils the plan by making similar chips in all the other doorsteps . The second thief is killed for his stupidity as well . At last , the head thief goes and looks for himself . This time , he memorizes every detail he can of the exterior of Ali Baba 's house . The chief of the thieves pretends to be an oil merchant in need of Ali Baba 's hospitality , bringing with him mules loaded with thirty - eight oil jars , one filled with oil , the other thirty - seven hiding the other remaining thieves . Once Ali Baba is asleep , the thieves plan to kill him . Again , Morgiana discovers and foils the plan , killing the thirty - seven thieves in their oil jars by pouring boiling oil on them . When their leader comes to rouse his men , he discovers that they are dead , and escapes . To exact revenge , after some time the thief establishes himself as a merchant , befriends Ali Baba 's son ( who is now in charge of the late Cassim 's business ) , and is invited to dinner at Ali Baba 's house . The thief is recognized by Morgiana , who performs a dance with a dagger for the diners and plunges it into the heart of the thief when he is off his guard . Ali Baba is at first angry with Morgiana , but when he finds out the thief tried to kill him , he gives Morgiana her freedom and marries her to his son . Ali Baba is then left as the only one knowing the secret of the treasure in the cave and how to access it . Thus , the story ends happily for everyone except the forty thieves and Cassim . Many years ago , there was an Emperor , who was so excessively fond of new clothes , that he spent all his money in dress . He did not trouble himself in the least about his soldiers ; nor did he care to go either to the theatre or the chase , except for the opportunities then afforded him for displaying his new clothes . He had a different suit for each hour of the day ; and as of any other king or emperor , one is accustomed to say , " he is sitting in council , " it was always said of him , " The Emperor is sitting in his wardrobe . " Time passed merrily in the large town which was his capital ; strangers arrived every day at the court . One day , two rogues , calling themselves weavers , made their appearance . They gave out that they knew how to weave stuffs of the most beautiful colors and elaborate patterns , the clothes manufactured from which should have the wonderful property of remaining invisible to everyone who was unfit for the office he held , or who was extraordinarily simple in character . " These must , indeed , be splendid clothes ! " thought the Emperor . " Had I such a suit , I might at once find out what men in my realms are unfit for their office , and also be able to distinguish the wise from the foolish ! This stuff must be woven for me immediately . " And he caused large sums of money to be given to both the weavers in order that they might begin their work directly . " I should like to know how the weavers are getting on with my cloth , " said the Emperor to himself , after some little time had elapsed ; he was , however , rather embarrassed , when he remembered that a simpleton , or one unfit for his office , would be unable to see the manufacture . To be sure , he thought he had nothing to risk in his own person ; but yet , he would prefer sending somebody else , to bring him intelligence about the weavers , and their work , before he troubled himself in the affair . All the people throughout the city had heard of the wonderful property the cloth was to possess ; and all were anxious to learn how wise , or how ignorant , their neighbors might prove to be . So the faithful old minister went into the hall , where the knaves were working with all their might , at their empty looms . " What can be the meaning of this ? " thought the old man , opening his eyes very wide . " I cannot discover the least bit of thread on the looms . " However , he did not express his thoughts aloud . The impostors requested him very courteously to be so good as to come nearer their looms ; and then asked him whether the design pleased him , and whether the colors were not very beautiful ; at the same time pointing to the empty frames . The poor old minister looked and looked , he could not discover anything on the looms , for a very good reason , viz : there was nothing there . " What ! " thought he again . " Is it possible that I am a simpleton ? I have never thought so myself ; and no one must know it now if I am so . Can it be , that I am unfit for my office ? No , that must not be said either . I will never confess that I could not see the stuff . " " We shall be much obliged to you , " said the impostors , and then they named the different colors and described the pattern of the pretended stuff . The old minister listened attentively to their words , in order that he might repeat them to the Emperor ; and then the knaves asked for more silk and gold , saying that it was necessary to complete what they had begun . However , they put all that was given them into their knapsacks ; and continued to work with as much apparent diligence as before at their empty looms . " I certainly am not stupid ! " thought the messenger . " It must be , that I am not fit for my good , profitable office ! That is very odd ; however , no one shall know anything about it . " And accordingly he praised the stuff he could not see , and declared that he was delighted with both colors and patterns . " Indeed , please your Imperial Majesty , " said he to his sovereign when he returned , " the cloth which the weavers are preparing is extraordinarily magnificent . " " Is not the work absolutely magnificent ? " said the two officers of the crown , already mentioned . " If your Majesty will only be pleased to look at it ! What a splendid design ! What glorious colors ! " and at the same time they pointed to the empty frames ; for they imagined that everyone else could see this exquisite piece of workmanship . " How is this ? " said the Emperor to himself . " I can see nothing ! This is indeed a terrible affair ! Am I a simpleton , or am I unfit to be an Emperor ? That would be the worst thing that could happen - - Oh ! the cloth is charming , " said he , aloud . " It has my complete approbation . " And he smiled most graciously , and looked closely at the empty looms ; for on no account would he say that he could not see what two of the officers of his court had praised so much . All his retinue now strained their eyes , hoping to discover something on the looms , but they could see no more than the others ; nevertheless , they all exclaimed , " Oh , how beautiful ! " and advised his majesty to have some new clothes made from this splendid material , for the approaching procession . " Magnificent ! Charming ! Excellent ! " resounded on all sides ; and everyone was uncommonly gay . The Emperor shared in the general satisfaction ; and presented the impostors with the riband of an order of knighthood , to be worn in their button - holes , and the title of " Gentlemen Weavers . " The rogues sat up the whole of the night before the day on which the procession was to take place , and had sixteen lights burning , so that everyone might see how anxious they were to finish the Emperor 's new suit . They pretended to roll the cloth off the looms ; cut the air with their scissors ; and sewed with needles without any thread in them . " See ! " cried they , at last . " The Emperor 's new clothes are ready ! " And now the Emperor , with all the grandees of his court , came to the weavers ; and the rogues raised their arms , as if in the act of holding something up , saying , " Here are your Majesty 's trousers ! Here is the scarf ! Here is the mantle ! The whole suit is as light as a cobweb ; one might fancy one has nothing at all on , when dressed in it ; that , however , is the great virtue of this delicate cloth . " " How splendid his Majesty looks in his new clothes , and how well they fit ! " everyone cried out . " What a design ! What colors ! These are indeed royal robes ! " So now the Emperor walked under his high canopy in the midst of the procession , through the streets of his capital ; and all the people standing by , and those at the windows , cried out , " Oh ! How beautiful are our Emperor 's new clothes ! What a magnificent train there is to the mantle ; and how gracefully the scarf hangs ! " in short , no one would allow that he could not see these much - admired clothes ; because , in doing so , he would have declared himself either a simpleton or unfit for his office . Certainly , none of the Emperor 's various suits , had ever made so great an impression , as these invisible ones . " But he has nothing at all on ! " at last cried out all the people . The Emperor was vexed , for he knew that the people were right ; but he thought the procession must go on now ! And the lords of the bedchamber took greater pains than ever , to appear holding up a train , although , in reality , there was no train to hold . When I was quite young and living in Jhansi , it must have been 1944 or 1945 , we had one of the few telephones in the town . I remember well the polished wooden case , made of teak , fastened on the wall in our living room . The black receiver hung on the side of the box . I even remember the number - 26 . I was too little , but used to listen with fascination when my father talked in it . He just lifted the receive and after a wait began talking in it . Once he lifted me up to speak to his fellow officer . Magic ! Then I discovered that somewhere inside that wonderful device lived an amazing person - her name was ' Number Please ' and there was nothing she did not know . If my father had to catch a train and wanted to know ' is it coming at right time ? ' Number Please supplied the correct information . My first personal experience with this genie - in - the - receiver came one day while my mother was out shopping . While playing , a table toppled and it 's leg fell with a loud thump on my finger . . The pain was terrible but crying was not helping as there was no one in the house . I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger when a thought struck me . The telephone ! Quickly I pulled a footstool and unhooked the receiver . " Then take a towel . Wet it with the ghara 's cold water and hold it tight on your finger . That will stop the pain . And stop crying , " she admonished . " It will be all right soon . " And there was the time when Gana , our pet Blackbird , died . I called Number Please and told her the sad story . She listened , then said the usual things grown up say to soothe a child . But I was unconsoled : . ' Why did a bird who sang so beautifully and bring joy to our lives , have to die ? ' In 1967 , I was posted to Datia , a town 20 kms from Jhansi , as Collector . On a weekend , I visited Jhansi to relive my childhood . On a impulse I dialed the telephone exchange . Miraculously , I again heard the soft , clear voice I knew so well . " I wonder , " she replied " if you know how much you meant to me ? You were the same age as my son and your voice sounded similar . Whenever you called , I felt I was speaking to my son . I used to look forward to your calls . Silly , wasn 't it ? " It didn 't seem silly but I didn 't say so . Instead I told her I was now Collector , Datia , and living close to Jhansi . Could I call her when I next came to Jhansi ? " Of course " she replied . " I am so proud that you are now Collector , Datia . " Then in a slow , sad voice she said , " Whenever you come next , just ask for Uma . And if they can 't find me just tell them your name . Then they will do something to locate me . " She wanted to say something more but there was a long silence . " Good bye , Uma . " It sounded strange for Number Please to have a name . " If ever I hurt my finger again , I will know what to do , " I said . " Then I 'm sorry to have to tell you . Uma was working part time in the last few years because she was ill . She died last week . But before I could hang up she said , " Wait a minute . Did you say your name was Anil ? " HERE were once five - and - twenty tin soldiers , who were all brothers , for they had been made out of the same old tin spoon . They shouldered arms and looked straight before them , and wore a splendid uniform , red and blue . The first thing in the world they ever heard were the words , " Tin soldiers ! " uttered by a little boy , who clapped his hands with delight when the lid of the box , in which they lay , was taken off . They were given him for a birthday present , and he stood at the table to set them up . The soldiers were all exactly alike , excepting one , who had only one leg ; he had been left to the last , and then there was not enough of the melted tin to finish him , so they made him to stand firmly on one leg , and this caused him to be very remarkable . The table on which the tin soldiers stood , was covered with other playthings , but the most attractive to the eye was a pretty little paper castle . Through the small windows the rooms could be seen . In front of the castle a number of little trees surrounded a piece of looking - glass , which was intended to represent a transparent lake . Swans , made of wax , swam on the lake , and were reflected in it . All this was very pretty , but the prettiest of all was a tiny little lady , who stood at the open door of the castle ; she , also , was made of paper , and she wore a dress of clear muslin , with a narrow blue ribbon over her shoulders just like a scarf . In front of these was fixed a glittering tinsel rose , as large as her whole face . The little lady was a dancer , and she stretched out both her arms , and raised one of her legs so high , that the tin soldier could not see it at all , and he thought that she , like himself , had only one leg . " That is the wife for me , " he thought ; " but she is too grand , and lives in a castle , while I have only a box to live in , five - and - twenty of us altogether , that is no place for her . Still I must try and make her acquaintance . " Then he laid himself at full length on the table behind a snuff - box that stood upon it , so that he could peep at the little delicate lady , who continued to stand on one leg without losing her balance . When evening came , the other tin soldiers were all placed in the box , and the people of the house went to bed . Then the playthings began to have their own games together , to pay visits , to have sham fights , and to give balls . The tin soldiers rattled in their box ; they wanted to get out and join the amusements , but they could not open the lid . The nut - crackers played at leap - frog , and the pencil jumped about the table . There was such a noise that the canary woke up and began to talk , and in poetry too . Only the tin soldier and the dancer remained in their places . She stood on tiptoe , with her legs stretched out , as firmly as he did on his one leg . He never took his eye " Tin soldier , " said the goblin , " don 't wish for what does not belong to you . " When the children came in the next morning , they placed the tin soldier in the window . Now , whether it was the goblin who did it , or the draught , is not known , but the window flew open , and out fell the tin soldier , heels over head , from the third story , into the street beneath . It was a terrible fall ; for he came head downwards , his helmet and his bayonet stuck in between the flagstones , and his one leg up in the air . The servant maid and the little boy went down stairs directly to look for him ; but he was nowhere to be seen , although once they nearly trod upon him . If he had called out , " Here I am , " it would have been all right , but he was too proud to cry out for help while he wore a uniform . Presently it began to rain , and the drops fell faster and faster , till there was a heavy shower . When it was over , two boys happened to pass by , and one of them said , " Look , there is a tin soldier . He ought to have a boat to sail in . " So they made a boat out of a newspaper , and placed the tin soldier in it , and sent him sailing down the gutter , while the two boys ran by the side of it , and clapped their hands . Good gracious , what large waves arose in that gutter ! and how fast the stream rolled on ! for the rain had been very heavy . The paper boat rocked up and down , and turned itself round sometimes so quickly that the tin soldier trembled ; yet he remained firm ; his countenance did not change ; he looked straight before him , and shouldered his musket . Suddenly the boat shot under a bridge which formed a part of a drain , and then it was as dark as the tin soldier 's box . " Where am I going now ? " thought he . " This is the black goblin 's fault , I am sure . Ah , well , if the little lady were only here with me in the boat , I should not care for any darkness . " " Have you a passport ? " asked the rat , " give it to me at once . " But the tin soldier remained silent and held his musket tighter than ever . The boat sailed on and the rat followed it . How he did gnash his teeth and cry out to the bits of wood and straw , " Stop him , stop him ; he has not paid toll , and has not shown his pass . " But the stream rushed on stronger and stronger . The tin soldier could already see daylight shining where the arch ended . Then he heard a roaring sound quite terrible enough to frighten the bravest man . At the end of the tunnel the drain fell into a large canal over a steep place , which made it as dangerous for him as a waterfall would be to us . He was too close to it to stop , so the boat rushed on , and the poor tin soldier could only hold himself as stiffly as possible , without moving an eyelid , to show that he was not afraid . The boat whirled round three or four times , and then filled with water to the very edge ; nothing could save it from sinking . He now stood up to his neck in water , while deeper and deeper sank the boat , and the paper became soft and loose with the wet , till at last the water closed over the soldier 's head . He thought of the elegant little dancer whom he should never see again , and the words of the song sounded in his ears - Then the paper boat fell to pieces , and the soldier sank into the water and immediately afterwards was swallowed up by a great fish . Oh how dark it was inside the fish ! A great deal darker than in the tunnel , and narrower too , but the tin soldier continued firm , and lay at full length shouldering his musket . The fish swam to and fro , making the most wonderful movements , but at last he became quite still . After a while , a flash of lightning seemed to pass through him , and then the daylight approached , and a voice cried out , " I declare here is the tin soldier . " The fish had been caught , taken to the market and sold to the cook , who took him into the kitchen and cut him open with a large knife . She picked up the soldier and held him by the waist between her finger and thumb , and carried him into the room . They were all anxious to see this wonderful soldier who had travelled about inside a fish ; but he was not at all proud . They placed him on the table , and - how many curious things do happen in the world ! - there he was in the very same room from the window of which he had fallen , there were the same children , the same playthings , standing on the table , and the pretty castle with the elegant little dancer at the door ; she still balanced herself on one leg , and held up the other , so she was as firm as himself . It touched the tin soldier so much to see her that he almost wept tin tears , but he kept them back . He only looked at her and they both remained silent . Presently one of the little boys took up the tin soldier , and threw him into the stove . He had no reason for doing so , therefore it must have been the fault of the black goblin who lived in the snuff - box . The flames lighted up the tin soldier , as he stood , the heat was very terrible , but whether it proceeded from the real fire or from the fire of love he could not tell . Then he could see that the bright colors were faded from his uniform , but whether they had been washed off during his journey or from the effects of his sorrow , no one could say . He looked a - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - * * * - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - * * * - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - * * * - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - " Thank you , " said the woman , and she gave the fairy twelve shillings , which was the price of the barleycorn . Then she went home and planted it , and immediately there grew up a large handsome flower , something like a tulip in appearance , but with its leaves tightly closed as if it were still a bud . " It is a beautiful flower , " said the woman , and she kissed the red and golden - colored leaves , and while she did so the flower opened , and she could see that it was a real tulip . Within the flower , upon the green velvet stamens , sat a very delicate and graceful little maiden . She was scarcely half as long as a thumb , and they gave her the name of " Thumbelina , " or Tiny , because she was so small . A walnut - shell , elegantly polished , served her for a cradle ; her bed was formed of blue violet - leaves , with a rose - leaf for a counterpane . Here she slept at night , but during the day she amused herself on a table , where the woman had placed a plateful of water . Round this plate were wreaths of flowers with their stems in the water , and upon it floated a large tulip - leaf , which served Tiny for a boat . Here the little maiden sat and rowed herself from side to side , with two oars made of white horse - hair . It really was a very pretty sight . Tiny could , also , sing so softly and sweetly that nothing like her singing had ever before been heard . One night , while she lay in her pretty bed , a large , ugly , wet toad crept through a broken pane of glass in the window , and leaped right upon the table where Tiny lay sleeping under her rose - leaf quilt . " What a pretty little wife this would make for my son , " said the toad , and she took up the walnut - shell in which little Tiny lay asleep , and jumped through the window with it into the garden . Far out in the stream grew a number of water - lilies , with broad green leaves , which seemed to float on the top of the water . The largest of these leaves appeared farther off than the rest , and the old toad swam out to it with the walnut - shell , in which little Tiny lay still asleep . The tiny little creature woke very early in the morning , and began to cry bitterly when she found where she was , for she could see nothing but water on every side of the large green leaf , and no way of reaching the land . Meanwhile the old toad was very busy under the marsh , decking her room with rushes and wild yellow flowers , to make it look pretty for her new daughter - in - law . Then she swam out with her ugly son to the leaf on which she had placed poor little Tiny . She wanted to fetch the pretty bed , that she might put it in the bridal chamber to be ready for her . The old toad bowed low to her in the water , and said , " Here is my son , he will be your husband , and you will live happily in the marsh by the stream . " " Croak , croak , croak , " was all her son could say for himself ; so the toad took up the elegant little bed , and swam away with it , leaving Tiny all alone on the green leaf , where she sat and wept . She could not bear to think of living with the old toad , and having her ugly son for a husband . The little fishes , who swam about in the water beneath , had seen the toad , and heard what she said , so they lifted their heads above the water to look at the little maiden . As soon as they caught sight of her , they saw she was very pretty , and it made them very sorry to think that she must go and live with the ugly toads . " No , it must never be ! " so they assembled together in the water , round the green stalk which held the leaf on which the little maiden stood , and gnawed it away at the root with their teeth . Then the leaf floated down the stream , carrying Tiny far away out of reach of land . Tiny sailed past many towns , and the little birds in the bushes saw her , and sang , " What a lovely little creature ; " so the leaf swam away with her farther and farther , till it brought her to other lands . A graceful little white butterfly constantly fluttered round her , and at last alighted on the leaf . Tiny pleased him , and she was glad of it , for now the toad could not possibly reach her , and the country through which she sailed was beautiful , and the sun shone upon the water , till it glittered like liquid gold . She took off her girdle and tied one end of it round the butterfly , and the other end of the ribbon she fastened to the leaf , which now glided on much faster than ever , taking little Tiny with it as she stood . Presently a large cockchafer flew by ; the moment he caught sight of her , he seized her round her delicate waist with his claws , and flew with her into a tree . The green leaf floated away on the brook , and the butterfly flew with it , for he was fastened to it , and could not get away . Oh , how frightened little Tiny felt when the cockchafer flew with her to the tree ! But especially was she sorry for the beautiful white butterfly which she had fastened to the leaf , for if he could not free himself he would die of hunger . But the cockchafer did not trouble himself at all about the matter . He seated himself by her side on a large green leaf , gave her some honey from the flowers to eat , and told her she was very pretty , though not in the least like a cockchafer . After a time , all the cockchafers turned up their feelers , and said , " She has only two legs ! how ugly that looks . " " She has no feelers , " said another . " Her waist is quite slim . Pooh ! she is like a human being . " " Oh ! she is ugly , " said all the lady cockchafers , although Tiny was very pretty . Then the cockchafer who had run away with her , believed all the others when they said she was ugly , and would have nothing more to say to her , and told her she might go where she liked . Then he flew down with her from the tree , and placed her on a daisy , and she wept at the thought that she was so ugly that even the cockchafers would have nothing to say to her . And all the while she was really the loveliest creature that one could imagine , and as tender and delicate as a beautiful rose - leaf . During the whole summer poor little Tiny lived quite alone in the wide forest . She wove herself a bed with blades of grass , and hung it up under a broad leaf , to protect herself from the rain . She sucked the honey from the flowers for food , and drank the dew from their leaves every morning . So passed away the summer and the autumn , and then came the winter , - the long , cold winter . All the birds who had sung to her so sweetly were flown away , and the trees and the flowers had withered . The large clover leaf under the shelter of which she had lived , was now rolled together and shrivelled up , nothing remained but a yellow withered stalk . She felt dreadfully cold , for her clothes were torn , and she was herself so frail and delicate , that poor little Tiny was nearly frozen to death . It began to snow too ; and the snow - flakes , as they fell upon her , were like a whole shovelful falling upon one of us , for we are tall , but she was only an inch high . Then she wrapped herself up in a dry leaf , but it cracked in the middle and could not keep her warm , and she shivered with cold . Near the wood in which she had been living lay a corn - field , but the corn had been cut a long time ; nothing remained but the bare dry stubble standing up out of the frozen ground . It was to her like struggling through a large wood . Oh ! how she shivered with the cold . She came at last to the door of a field - mouse , who had a little den under the corn - stubble . There dwelt the fiel " You poor little creature , " said the field - mouse , who was really a good old field - mouse , " come into my warm room and dine with me . " She was very pleased with Tiny , so she said , " You are quite welcome to stay with me all the winter , if you like ; but you must keep my rooms clean and neat , and tell me stories , for I shall like to hear them very much . " And Tiny did all the field - mouse asked her , and found herself very comfortable . " We shall have a visitor soon , " said the field - mouse one day ; " my neighbor pays me a visit once a week . He is better off than I am ; he has large rooms , and wears a beautiful black velvet coat . If you could only have him for a husband , you would be well provided for indeed . But he is blind , so you must tell him some of your prettiest stories . " He was rich and learned , no doubt , but he always spoke slightingly of the sun and the pretty flowers , because he had never seen them . Tiny was obliged to sing to him , " Lady - bird , lady - bird , fly away home , " and many other pretty songs . And the mole fell in love with her because she had such a sweet voice ; but he said nothing yet , for he was very cautious . A short time before , the mole had dug a long passage under the earth , which led from the dwelling of the field - mouse to his own , and here she had permission to walk with Tiny whenever she liked . But he warned them not to be alarmed at the sight of a dead bird which lay in the passage . It was a perfect bird , with a beak and feathers , and could not have been dead long , and was lying just where the mole had made his passage . The mole took a piece of phosphorescent wood in his mouth , and it glittered like fire in the dark ; then he went before them to light them through the long , dark passage . When they came to the spot where lay the dead bird , the mole pushed his broad nose through the ceiling , the earth gave way , so that there was a large hole , and the daylight shone into the passage . In the middle of the floor lay a dead swallow , his beautiful wings pulled close to his sides , his feet and his head drawn up under his feathers ; the poor bird had evidently died of the cold . It made little Tiny very sad to see it , she did so love the little birds ; all the summer they had sung and twittered for her so beautifully . But the mole pushed it aside with his crooked legs , and said , " He will sing no more now . How miserable it must be to be born a little bird ! I am thankful that none of my children will ever be birds , for they can do nothing but cry , ' Tweet , tweet , ' and always die of hunger in the winter . " " Yes , you may well say that , as a clever man ! " exclaimed the field - mouse , " What is the use of his twittering , for when winter comes he must either starve or be frozen to death . Still birds are very high bred . " The mole now stopped up the hole through which the daylight shone , and then accompanied the lady home . But during the night Tiny could not sleep ; so she got out of bed and wove a large , beautiful carpet of hay ; then she carried it to the dead bird , and spread it over him ; with some down from the flowers which she had found in the field - mouse 's room . It was as soft as wool , and she spread some of it on each side of the bird , so that he might lie warmly in the cold earth . " Farewell , you pretty little bird , " said she , " farewell ; thank you for your delightful singing during the summer , when all the trees were green , and the warm sun shone upon us . " Then she laid her head on the bird 's breast , but she was alarmed immediately , for it seemed as if something inside the bird went " thump , thump . " It was the bird 's heart ; he was not really dead , only benumbed with the cold , and the warmth had restored him to life . In autumn , all the swallows fly away into warm countries , but if one happens to linger , the cold seizes it , it becomes frozen , and falls down as if dead ; it remains where it fell , and the cold snow covers it . Tiny trembled very much ; she was quite frightened , for the bird was large , a great deal larger than herself , - she was only an inch high . But she took courage , laid the wool more thickly over the poor swallow , and then took a leaf which she had used for her own counterpane , and laid it over the head of the poor bird . The next morning she again stole out to see him . He was alive but very weak ; he could only open his eyes for a moment to look at Tiny , who stood by holding a piece of decayed wood in her hand , for she had no other lantern . " Thank you , pretty little maiden , " said the sick swallow ; " I have been so nicely warmed , that I shall soon regain my strength , and be able to fly about again in the warm sunshine . " Then she brought the swallow some water in a flower - leaf , and after he had drank , he told her that he had wounded one of his wings in a thorn - bush , and could not fly as fast as the others , who were soon far away on their journey to warm countries . Then at last he had fallen to the earth , and could remember no more , nor how he came to be where she had found him . The whole winter the swallow remained underground , and Tiny nursed him with care and love . Neither the mole nor the field - mouse knew anything about it , for they did not like swallows . Very soon the spring time came , and the sun warmed the earth . Then the swallow bade farewell to Tiny , and she opened the hole in the ceiling which the mole had made . The sun shone in upon them so beautifully , that the swallow asked her if she would go with him ; she could sit on his back , he said , and he would fly away with her into the green woods . But Tiny knew it would make the field - mouse very grieved if she left her in that manner , so she said , " No , I cannot . " " Tweet , tweet , " sang the bird , as he flew out into the green woods , and Tiny felt very sad . She was not allowed to go out into the warm sunshine . The corn which had been sown in the field over the house of the field - mouse had grown up high into the air , and formed a thick wood to Tiny , who was only an inch in height . " You are going to be married , Tiny , " said the field - mouse . " My neighbor has asked for you . What good fortune for a poor child like you . Now we will prepare your wedding clothes . They must be both woollen and linen . Nothing must be wanting when you are the mole 's wife . " Tiny had to turn the spindle , and the field - mouse hired four spiders , who were to weave day and night . Every evening the mole visited her , and was continually speaking of the time when the summer would be over . Then he would keep his wedding - day with Tiny ; but now the heat of the sun was so great that it burned the earth , and made it quite hard , like a stone . As soon , as the summer was over , the wedding should take place . But Tiny was not at all pleased ; for she did not like the tiresome mole . Every morning when the sun rose , and every evening when it went down , she would creep out at the door , and as the wind blew aside the ears of corn , so that she could see the blue sky , she thought how beautiful and bright it seemed out there , and wished so much to see her dear swallow again . But he never returned ; for by this time he had flown far away into the lovely green forest . " Nonsense , " replied the field - mouse . " Now don 't be obstinate , or I shall bite you with my white teeth . He is a very handsome mole ; the queen herself does not wear more beautiful velvets and furs . His kitchen and cellars are quite full . You ought to be very thankful for such good fortune . " " Farewell bright sun , " she cried , stretching out her arm towards it ; and then she walked a short distance from the house ; for the corn had been cut , and only the dry stubble remained in the fields . " Farewell , farewell , " she repeated , twining her arm round a little red flower that grew just by her side . " Greet the little swallow from me , if you should see him again . " " Tweet , tweet , " sounded over her head suddenly . She looked up , and there was the swallow himself flying close by . As soon as he spied Tiny , he was delighted ; and then she told him how unwilling she felt to marry the ugly mole , and to live always beneath the earth , and never to see the bright sun any more . And as she told him she wept . " Cold winter is coming , " said the swallow , " and I am going to fly away into warmer countries . Will you go with me ? You can sit on my back , and fasten yourself on with your sash . Then we can fly away from the ugly mole and his gloomy rooms , - far away , over the mountains , into warmer countries , where the sun shines more brightly - than here ; where it is always summer , and the flowers bloom in greater beauty . Fly now with me , dear little Tiny ; you saved my life when I lay frozen in that dark passage . " Then the swallow rose in the air , and flew over forest and over sea , high above the highest mountains , covered with eternal snow . Tiny would have been frozen in the cold air , but she crept under the bird 's warm feathers , keeping her little head uncovered , so that she might admire the beautiful lands over which they passed . At length they reached the warm countries , where the sun shines brightly , and the sky seems so much higher above the earth . Here , on the hedges , and by the wayside , grew purple , green , and white grapes ; lemons and oranges hung from trees in the woods ; and the air was fragrant with myrtles and orange blossoms . Beautiful children ran along the country lanes , playing with large gay butterflies ; and as the swallow flew farther and farther , every place appeared still more lovely . A large marble pillar lay on the ground , which , in falling , had been broken into three pieces . Between these pieces grew the most beautiful large white flowers ; so the swallow flew down with Tiny , and placed her on one of the broad leaves . But how surprised she was to see in the middle of the flower , a tiny little man , as white and transparent as if he had been made of crystal ! He had a gold crown on his head , and delicate wings at his shoulders , and was not much larger than Tiny herself . He was the angel of the flower ; for a tiny man and a tiny woman dwell in every flower ; and this was the king of them all . This certainly was a very different sort of husband to the son of a toad , or the mole , with my black velvet and fur ; so she said , " Yes , " to the handsome prince . Then all the flowers opened , and out of each came a little lady or a tiny lord , all so pretty it was quite a pleasure to look at them . Each of them brought Tiny a present ; but the best gift was a pair of beautiful wings , which had belonged to a large white fly and they fastened them to Tiny 's shoulders , so that she might fly from flower to flower . Then there was much rejoicing , and the little swallow who sat above them , in his nest , was asked to sing a wedding song , which he did as well as he could ; but in his heart he felt sad for he was very fond of Tiny , and would have liked never to part from her again . " You must not be called Tiny any more , " said the spirit of the flowers to her . " It is an ugly name , and you are so very pretty . We will call you Maia . " " Farewell , farewell , " said the swallow , with a heavy heart as he left the warm countries to fly back into Denmark . There he had a nest over the window of a house in which dwelt the writer of fairy tales . The swallow sang , " Tweet , tweet , " and from his song came the whole story . Suddenly a White Rabbit with pink eyes ran close by her . There was nothing so very remarkable in that ; nor did Alice think it so very much out of the way to hear the Rabbit say to himself : " Oh , dear ! Oh , dear ! I shall be too late ! " But when the Rabbit actually took a watch out of his waistcoat pocket , Alice started to her feet , for she had never before seen a rabbit with either a waistcoat pocket or a watch to take out of it , and , burning with curiosity , she ran across the field after him , just in time to see him pop down a large rabbit - hole under the hedge . The rabbit - hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way , and then dipped suddenly down , so that Alice found herself falling down what seemed to be a very deep well . Down , down , down . Then suddenly , thump ! thump ! down she came upon a heap of sticks and dry leaves , and the fall was over . The White Rabbit was still in sight , and away went Alice like the wind , and was just in time to hear him say , as he turned a corner , " Oh , my ears and whiskers , how late it is getting ! " She turned the corner , but the Rabbit was no longer to be seen . She found herself in a long narrow hall , which was lit up by lamps hanging from the roof . In the hall she came upon a little three - legged table , all made of solid glass . There was nothing on it but a tiny golden key . Behind a low curtain , she came upon a little door about fifteen inches high . She tried the little golden key in the lock , and , to her great delight , it fitted . So she went back to the table , half hoping she might find a book of rules for shutting people up like telescopes . This time she found a little bottle on it ( " which certainly was not here before , " said Alice ) , and tied round the neck of the bottle was a paper label , with the words DRINK ME in large letters . Alice tasted it , and very soon finished it off . Poor Alice ! To get through was more hopeless than ever . She sat down and began to cry , shedding gallons of tears , until there was a large pool all round her . After a time she heard a little pattering of feet in the distance , and she hastily dried her eyes to see what was coming . It was the White Rabbit returning , splendidly dressed , with a pair of white kid gloves in one hand and a large fan in the other . He came trotting along in a great hurry , muttering to himself as he came , " Oh , the Duchess ! the Duchess ! " " Dear , dear ! How queer everything is to - day ! How puzzling it all is ! " But presently on looking down at her hands , she was surprised to see that she had put on one of the rabbit 's little white kid gloves while she was talking . She soon found out that the cause of this was the fan she was holding , and she dropped it hastily , just in time to save herself from shrinking away altogether . Now she hastened to the little door , but alas , it was shut again . " I declare it 's too bad , that it is ! " she said aloud , and just as she spoke her foot slipped , and in another moment , splash ! she was up to her chin in salt water . It was the pool of tears she had wept when she was nine feet high ! " Perhaps it doesn 't understand English , " thought Alice ; " I daresay it 's a French mouse , come over with William the Conqueror . " So she began again , " ou est ma chatte ? " which was the first sentence in her French lesson book . The Mouse seemed to quiver all over with fright . " Oh , I beg your pardon ! " cried Alice , " I quite forgot you don 't like cats . " A very queer - looking party of dripping birds and animals now gathered on the bank of the Pool of Tears . The Mouse , tried to dry them by telling them frightfully dry stories from history . Then the Dodo proposed a Caucus race . They all started off when they liked , and stopped when they liked . The Dodo said everybody had won , and Alice had to give the prizes . Luckily she had some sweets , which were not wet , and there was just one for each of them . The party were anxious she , too , should have a prize , and as she happened to have a thimble , the Dodo commanded her to hand it to him , and then , with great ceremony , the Dodo presented it to her , saying , " We beg your acceptance of this elegant thimble , " and they all cheered . Very soon the Rabbit noticed Alice , and called out to her in an angry tone , " Why , Mary Ann , what are you doing out here ? Run home this moment , and fetch me a pair of gloves and a fan . Quick , now ! " She managed to swallow a morsel of the left - hand bit . The next minute she had grown so tall that her neck rose like a stalk out of a sea of green leaves , and these green leaves were the trees of the wood . But , by nibbling bits of mushroom , she at last succeeded in bringing herself down to her usual height . But , oh dear , in order to get into the first house she saw , she had to eat some more of the mushroom from her right hand and bring herself down to nine inches . Outside the house she saw a Fish - footmen and a Frog - footmen with invitations from the Queen to the Duchess , asking her to play croquet . The Duchess lived in the house , and a terrible noise was going on inside , and when the door was opened a plate came crashing out . But Alice got in at last , and found the Duchess and her cook quarrelling because there was too much pepper in the soup . She was a little startled now by seeing a Cheshire - Cat sitting on a bough of a tree . The Cat grinned when it saw Alice . She felt that it ought to be treated with respect . Tolstoy 's stories were very much rooted in the fairness of God . " No matter how much one suffers , " he believed , " God will ultimately do justice . " . This story typifies this thinking . - - Anil Chandra Aksionov laughed . " That 's a lucky sign , " said he . " See if I don 't sell out all my goods , and bring you some presents from the fair . " Suddenly a troika drove up with tinkling bells and an official alighted , followed by two soldiers . He came to Aksionov and began to question him , asking him who he was and whence he came . Aksionov answered him fully , and said , " Won 't you have some tea with me ? " But the official went on cross - questioning him and asking him , " Where did you spend last night ? Were you alone , or with a fellow - merchant ? Did you see the other merchant this morning ? Why did you leave the inn before dawn ? " They entered the house . The soldiers and the police - officer unstrapped Aksionov 's luggage and searched it . Suddenly the officer drew a knife out of a bag , crying , " Whose knife is this ? " Then the police - officer said : " This morning the merchant was found in bed with his throat cut . You are the only person who could have done it . The house was locked from inside , and no one else was there . Here is this blood - stained knife in your bag , and your face and manner betray you ! Tell me how you killed him , and how much money you stole ? " The police - officer ordered the soldiers to bind Aksionov and to put him in the cart . As they tied his feet together and flung him into the cart , Aksionov crossed himself and wept . His money and goods were taken from him , and he was sent to the nearest town and imprisoned there . Enquiries as to his character were made in Vladimir . The merchants and other inhabitants of that town said that in former days he used to drink and waste his time , but that he was a good man . Then the trial came on : he was charged with murdering a merchant from Ryazan , and robbing him of twenty thousand rubles . His wife was in despair , and did not know what to believe . Her children were all quite small ; one was a baby at her breast . Taking them all with her , she went to the town where her husband was in jail . At first she was not allowed to see him ; but after much begging , she obtained permission from the officials , and was taken to him . When she saw her husband in prison - dress and in chains , shut up with thieves and criminals , she fell down , and did not come to her senses for a long time . Then she drew her children to her , and sat down near him . She told him of things at home , and asked about what had happened to him . He told her all , and she asked , " What can we do now ? " Then his wife said , " It was not for nothing I dreamt your hair had turned grey . You remember ? You should not have started that day . " And passing her fingers through his hair , she said : " Vanya dearest , tell your wife the truth ; was it not you who did it ? " For twenty - six years Aksionov lived as a convict in Siberia . His hair turned white as snow , and his beard grew long , thin , and grey . All his mirth went ; he stooped ; he walked slowly , spoke little , and never laughed , but he often prayed . One day a fresh gang of convicts came to the prison . In the evening the old prisoners collected round the new ones and asked them what towns or villages they came from , and what they were sentenced for . Among the rest Aksionov sat down near the newcomers , and listened with downcast air to what was said . " Well , friends , " he said , " I only took a horse that was tied to a sledge , and I was arrested and accused of stealing . I said I had only taken it to get home quicker , and had then let it go ; besides , the driver was a personal friend of mine . So I said , ' It 's all right . ' ' No , ' said they , ' you stole it . ' But how or where I stole it they could not say . I once really did something wrong , and ought by rights to have come here long ago , but that time I was not found out . Now I have been sent here for nothing at all . . . . Eh , but it 's lies I 'm telling you ; I 've been to Siberia before , but I did not stay long . " " Know them ? Of course I do . The Aksionovs are rich , though their father is in Siberia : a sinner like ourselves , it seems ! As for you , Gran ' dad , how did you come here ? " When Makar Semyonich heard this , he looked at Aksionov , slapped his own knee , and exclaimed , " Well , this is wonderful ! Really wonderful ! But how old you 've grown , Gran ' dad ! " " How could I help hearing ? The world 's full of rumours . But it 's a long time ago , and I 've forgotten what I heard . " Makar Semyonich laughed , and replied : " It must have been him in whose bag the knife was found ! If some one else hid the knife there , ' He 's not a thief till he 's caught , ' as the saying is . How could any one put a knife into your bag while it was under your head ? It would surely have woke you up . " When Aksionov heard these words , he felt sure this was the man who had killed the merchant . He rose and went away . All that night Aksionov lay awake . He felt terribly unhappy , and all sorts of images rose in his mind . There was the image of his wife as she was when he parted from her to go to the fair . He saw her as if she were present ; her face and her eyes rose before him ; he heard her speak and laugh . Then he saw his children , quite little , as they were at that time : one with a little cloak on , another at his mother 's breast . And then he remembered himself as he used to be - young and merry . He remembered how he sat playing the guitar in the porch of the inn where he was arrested , and how free from care he had been . He saw , in his mind , the place where he was flogged , the executioner , and the people standing around ; the chains , the convicts , all the twenty - six years of his prison life , and his premature old age . The thought of it all made him so wretched that he was ready to kill himself . " And it 's all that villain 's doing ! " thought Aksionov . And his anger was so great against Makar Semyonich that he longed for vengeance , even if he himself should perish for it . He kept repeating prayers all night , but could get no peace . During the day he did not go near Makar Semyonich , nor even look at him . One night as he was walking about the prison he noticed some earth that came rolling out from under one of the shelves on which the prisoners slept . He stopped to see what it was . Suddenly Makar Semyonich crept out from under the shelf , and looked up at Aksionov with frightened face . Aksionov tried to pass without looking at him , but Makar seized his hand and told him that he had dug a hole under the wall , getting rid of the earth by putting it into his high - boots , and emptying it out every day on the road when the prisoners were driven to their work . Aksionov trembled with anger as he looked at his enemy . He drew his hand away , saying , " I have no wish to escape , and you have no need to kill me ; you killed me long ago ! As to telling of you - I may do so or not , as God shall direct . " Next day , when the convicts were led out to work , the convoy soldiers noticed that one or other of the prisoners emptied some earth out of his boots . The prison was searched and the tunnel found . The Governor came and questioned all the prisoners to find out who had dug the hole . They all denied any knowledge of it . Those who knew would not betray Makar Semyonich , knowing he would be flogged almost to death . At last the Governor turned to Aksionov whom he knew to be a just man and said : Makar Semyonich stood as if he were quite unconcerned , looking at the Governor and not so much as glancing at Aksionov . Aksionov 's lips and hands trembled , and for a long time he could not utter a word . He thought , " Why should I screen him who ruined my life ? Let him pay for what I have suffered . But if I tell , they will probably flog the life out of him and maybe I suspect him wrongly . And , after all , what good would it be to me ? " Aksionov glanced at Makar Semyonich , and said , " I cannot say , your honour . It is not God 's will that I should tell ! Do what you like with me ; I am in your hands . " Aksionov was silent , and did not know what to say . Makar Semyonich slid off the bed - shelf and knelt upon the ground . " Ivan Dmitritch , " said he , " forgive me ! For the love of God , forgive me ! I will confess that it was I who killed the merchant , and you will be released and can go to your home . " " It is easy for you to talk , " said Aksionov , " but I have suffered for you these twenty - six years . Where could I go to now ? . . . My wife is dead , and my children have forgotten me . I have nowhere to go . . . . " Makar Semyonich did not rise , but beat his head on the floor . " Ivan Dmitritch , forgive me ! " he cried . " When they flogged me with the knot it was not so hard to bear as it is to see you now . . . yet you had pity on me , and did not tell . For Christ 's sake forgive me , wretch that I am ! " And he began to sob . " God will forgive you ! " said he . " Maybe I am a hundred times worse than you . " And at these words his heart grew light , and the longing for home left him . He no longer had any desire to leave the prison , but only hoped for his last hour to come . In the rude days of King Richard and King John there were many great woods in England . The most famous of these was Sherwood forest , where the king often went to hunt deer . In this forest there lived a band of daring men called out - laws . There were nearly a hundred of these outlaws , and their leader was a bold fellow called Robin Hood . They were dressed in suits of green , and armed with bows and arrows ; and sometimes they carried long wooden lances and broad - swords , which they knew how to handle well . When - ever they had taken anything , it was brought and laid at the feet of Robin Hood , whom they called their king . He then divided it fairly among them , giving to each man his just share . Long after he was dead , men liked to talk about his deeds . Some praised him , and some blamed him . He was , indeed , a rude , lawless fellow ; but at that time , people did not think of right and wrong as they do now . Robin Hood was standing one day under a green tree by the road - side . While he was listening to the birds among the leaves , he saw a young man passing by . This young man was dressed in a fine suit of bright red cloth ; and , as he tripped gayly along the road , he seemed to be as happy as the day . The next day Robin stood in the same place . He had not been there long when he saw the same young man coming down the road . But he did not seem to be so happy this time . He had left his scarlet coat at home , and at every step he sighed and groaned . " I have kept it these seven years , " said the young man ; " I have kept it to give to my bride on our wedding day . We were going to be married yesterday . But her father has promised her to a rich old man whom she never saw . And now my heart is broken . " " I am glad you have come , " said the bishop kindly . " There is no music that I like so well as that of the harp . Come in , and play for us . " Just then an old man came in . He was dressed in rich clothing , but was bent with age , and was feeble and gray . By his side walked a fair young girl . Her cheeks were very pale , and her eyes were full of tears . Then he put his horn to his lips , and blew three times . The very next minute , four and twenty men , all dressed in green , and carrying long bows in their hands , came running across the fields . And as they marched into the church , all in a row , the fore - most among them was Allin - a - Dale .

Leave a reply Tisha Porter didn 't think she was going to make it . Convinced she would die from her injuries , she left a blow by blow account of what happened to her and who was responsible . The why of it was still a mystery . Thanks to Detective Harlan James , Tisha was on the mend , but she was ready to get out of her father 's house and back into a house of her own . She was anxious to see that recently renovated old Victorian home and buy if she liked it . She wasn 't counting on the stress being too much for her still too weak body . Zachery Douglas was hosting the open house in the old Victorian . They 'd had more than two hundred people tour the house so far which was far more than he expected . And when Tisha walked through the door , he knew what she was to him , and he 'd do anything he had to do to make her his . Spencer Graham had been trying to get a hold of Jason Crosby for weeks , but he didn 't seem to answer emails , mail or the telephone . She had an idea that would make them a great deal of money , but she needed him to invest in her project before it was too late . So , barging into his home at 4 a . m . was the only solution as far as she was concerned . She didn 't , however , expect him to answer the door naked and proposition her as soon as she walked in the door . Spencer did the only thing that came natural to her , she knocked him on his ass … . Jason Crosby was nearly two thousand years old , and in all his days as a vampire , he 'd never seen anyone quite like her , not that he thought that was a good thing . He didn 't . She was his mate , and he was only going the tolerate her because he had to … . The building and surrounding area looked like a crater . The swing set , which may have held eight on it , was a twisted mess that hung from one of the blackened trees about a mile away . The slide was still sitting in its original place , yet barely resembled its former self . The only reason Harlan knew what it was is because he 'd seen his own kids on it . He looked over when someone said his name . " Four dead . We think . It 's going to be a little while before we can sort this mess out . If there were cars in the lot , I 'm not sure how long it will take before we can figure out not just the owners , but if they might have been here last night . Christ , this is a mess . " Harlan asked him if they 'd been able to get a list of teachers yet . " We 're still working on that . I have been able to canvas the damage surrounding this land . There has been one death that is apparently related to this explosion , but we won 't know for sure until all reports are in . Had this been in the city , Harlan , you know this would have been a hell of a lot worse . " " Yes . There are reports of windows blasted out eight miles from here . And I heard that one of the deaths was a man who had been on the street in front at the impact time and was killed by the blast . Is that the one that you 're talking about ? " Richard nodded . " As you know , had this happened only about ten hours later , there would have been children here , and a lot more bodies . " " We have narrowed down the center , we 're pretty sure . The city planner brought by the blueprints like you asked for , and he 's looking things over and thinks he knows where the epicenter is . Second grade room , as near we can tell . " Harlan wasn 't able to go to the area just yet ; the fire department was going over some of the wreckage to make sure that the fires were out . The bomb squad had left about half an hour ago . " The three bodies that we 've recovered here so far are two men from the janitorial service and a woman . No ID yet on the latter . We think it might have been the prin " Whoever this person was , they wanted this building gone , and didn 't care who was inside of it . It had a switch on location , meaning that it was set off by a simple movement or a lid being removed , so it mattered little to them when this thing went off . I would say that it more than likely was triggered by opening whatever it came here in , which I 'm thinking cardboard at this point . The others all depended on the main larger bomb , causing enough power to set them off as well . They were on a tumbler - like set off . Once they were moved , hard , they would blow . " Harlan asked him how long something like this would take to set up . " Hours . Maybe a few days . The person would have had to have access to the building , and no one to question what they were doing here . A good sense of the size , layout , as well as how much explosive material to use to get this sort of devastation . " " So whoever it was , they were known to those that work here , you 're thinking . I mean , the staff here , they didn 't have any issues with this person being in and out of here , so they could have pretty much done this without anyone having any clue . " Richard nodded . " This is some sick shit , you know that , right ? In another few hours , there would have been over four hundred people in this building , mostly kids . And then nearly seventy teachers and other staff . " " Don 't forget buses of kids that were being held to drop off at the higher grades , parents here dropping off little Jimmy for his first day , and any of the other hundreds of people that might have been passing by when this went off . " Harlan moved through the debris and other mangled things while they talked . " I heard that you 're having trouble locating two of the teachers . You think they might have been here too ? " " I hope to Christ not . Also , we did hear from the cleaning service . There were not three here , but six , to get the building ready for the first day . So far we 've had no luck at all trying to figure out if they showed up for work or not . The teacherssaw that the glass nearest the handle had been broken inward . Calling in backup , he was told to wait . It was then that he saw the blood . " I can 't wait . I can see that someone is hurt . Going in . " Instead of letting the dispatcher tell him to wait again , he muted his phone . He could be fired for it if this turned out to be nothing , but right now , he just didn 't care . As he made his way into the house , he noted in an abstract sort of way that it was neat . Not in a cleaned up sort of way - though it was that too - but more like this person did not care for clutter or fluff . Straight lines and hard surfaces were on everything , including the cushions on the chairs in the kitchen . It was also expensive , like this person spent all their money on their things , as they had no children or pets to muss it . Making his way to the living room , he could see the difference immediately . This was a room that was used ; comfort nearly screamed at him . The noise to his left gave him pause . He wasn 't in a good place in the house … the hallway he was in was not only open at both ends with rooms coming out from each side , but there were two doors that were opened in front of him , one on the right , the other on the left . But when he heard it again , he moved forward . " This is the Nevada Police . I 'm armed and have backup . " He heard the sirens getting closer and peeked quickly into the room to his right . Nothing . " Ms . Porter ? Can you hear me ? " " Yes . " He thought he heard her answer him but wasn 't sure . " I 'm dying . I 'm alone . " Relief was short lived when she cried out . " She hurt me . " Entering the room at the end , the doorway that spilled into the hall , he nearly backed away . The woman lying in a pool of blood looked as if she was indeed dying . Her body was not only covered in a great many of what looked like knife wounds , but she was beaten up as well . Moving closer , keeping his gun out , Harlan called for an ambulance . " I 'm Harlan James . Are you Tisha Porter ? " She nodded , then passed out . He could sthirty this morning , Alex had left . The facts in - between those times , he knew , would haunt him for years to come . By the time the ambulance arrived , he 'd called in a report on what he 'd found . Then he told his boss what she 'd written down about the other teacher , as well as having someone sent to her house to find the woman . Alexandra Grace was going to have a lot of explaining to do . ~ ~ ~ Randall moved through the hospital trying to figure out where he was to go . The nurse at the front desk had told him twice how to get to the operating area , but he was hurting in his heart so badly he only half remembered . When he saw two police officers , he made his way to them . " I 'm looking for my daughter , Tisha Porter . " The officer nodded at him and then took him to a man dressed in a dark suit . " My daughter , someone said that she was hurt . Tisha Porter is her name . She 's a teacher . Second grade . They all just love her . " " I 'm Harlan James , Mr . Porter . I came in with her . " Randall felt his knees simply give out on him . If Harlan hadn 't been there to catch him , he was sure he would have fallen . " Come on over here , Mr . Porter . We 'll talk while we wait . " " She loves teaching those children . I saw in the news that the entire building was blown up . I never got much from the man who called me . " Harlan said it had been him . " Was she in the building ? " " No . We found her at her home . That 's where we 're thinking she was hurt . Someone broke in . " Randall tried to think of why someone would harm his little girl . " She was beaten , and cut up pretty badly . The doctors here are doing all that they can to save her . You have a very smart and brave daughter , Mr . Porter . She 's helped us a great deal in this . " " That 's my baby . Always knew she was the best . I spoke to her just last night … I think it was the night before . It 's hard to think so much time has … . I had just called her to tell her to have fun with her first day . I teased her about her room being … . " He paused , trying to reme " She 's all I have in the world . Since her mother died , Tisha has become my whole world . I just saw her last weekend , and she was telling me how she 'd gotten all these nice learning tools from a shop online . And now this . " Harlan told him they were doing their best . " If you need anything , a kick in the ass to the mayor , you let me know . I 'll pull some strings and get you more manpower if you need it . You just let me know . I 'll get it for you . " " I think we have it for now , but I 'll keep that in mind . We 're working round the clock now , so I hope to have answers in a few days , if not sooner . " Randall nodded and Harlan stood up . " I 'm going to have someone at her room until we find this other person . And if you 'd be so kind , I 'd like for you to have a guard as well . Right now we don 't know the reason that any of this happened . So to be on the safe side , I 'd like to protect you as well . " " I have my own bodyguards . " Randall nodded to the hall where they were and the three men standing there . " Nothing will get past these men unless I tell them or they 're dead . If it will free up some of your men , I can assign them to her room as well . To be honest , sir , they 'll be there anyway . If you 'll agree to it , then nobody will get their underwear all tightened up by them being there too . " " I 'll let you know . " Randall nodded then was left alone . Making his way down the hall , he told Burt , his right hand man , what was going on as he sat in one of the most uncomfortable chairs he 'd ever been in . He also told Burt to set up some people on the inside for her safety . " You have it , sir . And may I suggest that we bring in that buddy of yours ? The retired agent ? He could be a little more help even from the sidelines . " Randall nodded . " Very good , sir . Have they told you how she 's doing ? I mean , more than you were told on the phone ? " " No . I 'd very much like it if you can run a check on any doctors and nurses she has contact with . And there is a person of interest that tto help himself , he tried to calm his nerves and heart . All he could think about was his daughter . Tisha had been born later in his life , he 'd been nearing forty and his wife just shy of that . Had anyone asked , he would have said they were happy being childless . They had money , a great deal of it , and traveled , and pretty much did anything that they wanted . Then Rachel had gotten pregnant and Tisha had come along . Randall was pretty sure until that moment he 'd not lived at all . Hadn 't taken a good breath of air , nor had his heart beat so well until he looked into the most beautiful pair of blue eyes he 'd ever seen . His baby girl , Tisha Randall Porter . She 'd been the best baby , and an even better child . No temper tantrums were ever thrown , nor did she give them a hard time about things . Of course , he 'd made sure that she had everything that she wanted … even if she only gave something a passing glance , he 'd get it for her . Until the day she turned seven . " I want to get a job . " He only nodded at her , indulging her even though he knew she 'd never have to work a day in her life , if he could help it . " My friend , Emma , has a job . And her grandma pays her for doing the dishes too . Not the pots and pans , but her pretty dishes she serves tea on . " " Tisha , I can give you money if that 's what you want . I have no problem with it . " She told him no , she wanted to earn her keep . " Honey , you don 't have to earn anything . We 're very wealthy . " " So are Emma 's mommy and daddy . And she has her own pocket money that she can do whatever she wants with and not have to ask . Why last month , she took me to get an ice cream soda , and no one knew about it but just the two of us . " Randall wondered just how much this other little girl was teaching his daughter . " I want to do this , Dad . You want me to be smart like you ? And know the value of money ? " " I do . And I 'm pretty sure that you have a good handle on the value of money . " Then she gave him that look . It wasn 't a pouty one , like most litAnother note to his list of things she 'd found out for him . As they went over her books , he was astonished not only at much she had learned by talking to the staff , but how much she 'd managed to save up as well . One hundred dollars just by doing odd jobs for those that worked for them . " All right , let 's see how you spent your cash , shall we ? " Randall had already had it in his head to get her a real ledger , as well as some colored pencils . It was the way that he 'd been keeping track of his earnings for years . Not only did he love seeing the numbers all lined up in neat rows , but when he had gotten a computer and it did the adding for him , he still found himself using his old tried and true method . " I 've put a computer on layaway . I had to have Molly help me with that . They 'd not sell me one at my age . I think it 's ridiculous that there has to be an age limit on learning , but now that it 's there , I pay on it every week and she takes it to the store for me . " Randall told her he 'd purchase it for her . " No , Dad . I 'm doing this on my own . " After an hour of going over everything , he 'd needed to find a quiet place to think . She had not just opened his eyes to his staff , but to the fact that she was not a baby any more . Randall would only admit this to himself , but he 'd had a good cry over that fact , and still got teary when he thought of it . " Mr . Porter ? " Dragging himself from his thoughts , he stared at the man in front of him for several seconds before he could think where he was . " Mr . Porter ? I 'm Doctor Fitzpatrick . I 've spoken to the police just now , and they told me that I could bring you up to date on your daughter 's surgery . " Randall sat up straighter in the chair and waited for the news . " She 's in grave condition , I 'm afraid , but I have hope that she 'll pull out of this . Tisha is young and in very good health . While she 's lost a great amount of blood and has had some pretty extensive wounds to her body , I think she stands a good chance of coming out of thin later and replace bone with metal in her hand , but for now , we have her in a hard cast to prevent her from doing more damage . " " Any internal injuries ? " The doctor nodded , then looked at him when Burt asked . " Was there brain damage ? What ? " " There is no way to soften the way I tell you this . Her abdomen was crushed , pelvis broken , and the fallopian tube on the right side was destroyed . Her womb was injured as well , to the point where it had to be removed or risk infection . As for her brain , we don 't yet know what sort of damage is there . After she wakes , if she does , we 'll be able to better determine where to go after that . " Randall felt his body just go limp . The words ' if she does ' were too much . His mind simply said this is too much , and he embraced the darkness where his little girl was safe in his dreams . Leave a reply Beth Snow had been given a death sentence . The doctors had only given her six months to live . She didn 't want her parents to have to watch her die , so she packed up everything she had in the new motorhome and hit the road . Nate knew she was coming . He 'd been dreaming of her for months now , and all the dreams where they were battling Benton had turned out the same - with Beth 's death . How could he take a mate to just watch her die ? The battle to save the earth was reaching its peak for Rembrandt 's Blood Brotherhood . Everyone 's dreams had become prophetic , and either Benton would die , or they all would . Would they find the missing piece to their strategy to defeat the monster once and for all ? Live or die , they were all in it until the bitter end . What happens next ? Find out in the final installment of the Blood Brotherhood - Nathaniel . It was time for him to die . Rembrandt was ready . He had put up a good fight and nearly died twice that day , but now he was done and he was ready to die on the battlefield with the rest of his brethren . Death would be merciful , he would finally be with his wife and children . A being clad in black had other ideas . Rembrandt was meant to help him fight his cause and to help right a wrong that his kind had brought to this world . He gifted the reluctant Rembrandt with a taste for blood and immortality … and more … so much more . Rembrandt had had enough . He was over this life 1800 years ago and now he was just sick of it . The creatures he fought , the malefactors , kept growing in numbers and he couldn 't kill them fast enough to keep up . He had fought the battle alone all these years and he wasn 't sure he even wanted to anymore . Skylar Manning was just trying to be nice . The mysterious man dressed in black was hanging around after closing … again . It was the third time this week . Only this time he grabbed her arm . Her world changed forever . Suddenly she found herself hunted by shadowy figures with razor sharp teeth , and into the arms of a warrior who craved her as much as she did him … Vicki Carver had seen all the carnage from what appeared to be some kind of battle and just stopped long enough to see if the big man was alive or dead like the rest of them . That large broadsword in his hand had her keep her distance . Pitching a pebble or two at his face should arouse him if he was indeed still alive . Davis Brown was thoroughly exhausted , but he couldn 't ignore the small stones pelting his face . If it was more malefactors to fight he 'd just have to let them do him in . He was too tired to fight again so soon . To his surprise it was a woman ― not just any woman ― but a feisty vixen who was not only beautiful but could see the malefactors . That meant that she was either magical or one of them ― a warrior ― his mate … . Vicki had her own demons to battle and to be thrown into a mystical battle with Rembrandt 's warriors to save their world from being overrun by malefactors wasn 't anything she had planned for , much less this mate business . Who did he think he was anyway ? But she couldn 't seem to resist the hot , sexy man that brought her to the compound … . Leonard Earl wants no part of Rembrandt 's rag tag team of saviors . Before the cancer he 'd been happy teaching children . But when the mysterious man in black shows up in his hospital room and heals him , he has no choice but to join the group . No one says he has to like it . Jamey has been on her own awhile . It doesn 't take her long to figure out she is different , and that the malefactors can 't change her into one of them . Since the malefactors have taken over her town , she spends her days picking them off with her bow and arrows , or delivering food and water to the remaining survivors . Jamey 's body is also a " host " to a dragon that has been with her for as long as she can remember . He protects her and keeps her safe … . The dragon is leading Jamey to the man he is destined to transfer to . He tells her together they will balance . Jamey is willing to take the dragon wherever he needs to go , but the man she wants no part of … . She will miss her friend . Leo is none too happy to find out that Jamey is bringing the dragon to him and the discovery that she is his mate . He 's already had a woman break his heart and wants no part of this mate business . He takes the dragon to save her life , but that 's where it ends … or does it ? The malefactors are increasing in number and they need to stand together to defeat them . Jamey sees her chance and takes it to defeat their enemy . Will Leo make the ultimate sacrifice to save her ? Find out in the next installment of Blood Brotherhood ― Leonard . Christopher hadn 't been with Rembrandt 's group long . With their combined efforts there were fewer and fewer monsters to fight . His mate had died a long time ago , so he volunteered to go with Skylar to look for some " newbies " . When they arrived at the warehouse the new ones were acting very strange . Kate had been scouting out the building when a large crate just suddenly appeared out of nowhere . Curiosity had her standing in the shadows when she saw two warriors come up the stairs and approach the crate . When they became aware of her presence , the man shifted into the largest cat she 'd ever seen and pinned her to the floor with his large paws . Richard James is a very old vampire and was already an immortal when he joined Rembrandt 's team . Old grievances and heartaches , committed decades ago , still haunt him today . The murders of his mate and brother can be placed on a single culprit - Lucia Alverez . Ryiah isn 't happy . It 's do as her sister says or suffer the consequences . She can handle the beatings , but being locked up in a cell again with no sunshine or earth is more than she can bear . Ryiah is fae and needs these things to survive . So when her sister says to bring her her mate , Richard James , the second lord of the Highlands castle of Ireland , that 's what Ryiah sets out to do . Vampires and fae are mortal enemies . The blood of the fae is like an intoxicating drug to a vampire , turning the vampire feral . Rick knows immediately that the beautiful woman is fae , but that 's not the problem , there are other fae at Rembrandt 's compound and Rick has no problems being around them . But this one … there is something different about her … . The motor home coughed a couple of times but continued down the road . Looking in the rear - view mirror , she wondered what she 'd been thinking picking something so fucking big to use to get away . The thing was top of the line , sure , but for just her , it was too much . Simply too much of everything . Pulling into the gas station , she had to smile . She was filling this sucker up every ten minutes , it felt like . " I 'm certainly doing my part in stimulating the economy by using this . " The lines were short , so she pulled into the bay closest to the road . Stretching her neck before getting out , she felt a stab of pain in her heart and sat very still to see where it went next . When she felt nothing more , she stood up and made her way to the pumps . Beth knew that should her heart shut down while she was driving , she might hurt someone else when she crashed . It was why she was very careful and took precautions that were well beyond what older people did when they were told they had a bad ticker . And she had about as bad of one as there was . She 'd been dealt a bad hand , as her grandma used to say . Beth Snow was going to die because of her heart . Not because it was broken , which in a way it was , but because it was enlarged … too big to function properly . It would happen much sooner than anyone could have guessed , especially her and her family , but it was going to happen and she wanted it to happen on her terms . It was the reason for this trip . The lie behind going to see some sites before she settled down . Beth wanted to be as far from her parents as she could when the time came . She knew her mom would be … her mom and her dad would be devastated . She knew he still would be , but she didn 't want him there when it was done . That wasn 't right either . She wanted them both there , but was trying to spare them the pain of it . It 's not that they were mean to her . No , never that . But they did have a way about them that would bring out the worst in each other . Her mother was controlling , manipulative , as well as whiney , ansoon as she 'd turned eighteen , she 'd gotten out in the world on her own and had made herself as independent as she could . She had made a good living at it as well by following in her dad 's footsteps and becoming an engineer like he 'd been . But leaving them like she had , that was the smartest thing she 'd ever done , she thought . For a lot of reasons . The last face to face conversation with her mom had sealed that deal . " I don 't understand how you think this is going to make you get any better . Just let us go with you and keep you on the right track to getting well . It 's not like we have anything to do . Your father hasn 't worked in several years . " Beth could have pointed out that he 'd retired from his job but still had a very good income . And when they wanted something , he 'd go find something fun to do to pay for it and not touch their savings . She looked at her dad and could see while he was hurt too , he sort of understood because this was , after all , her mom . " Tell her , Lyle . Tell her that she needs to let us go with her so she can get better . We can 't make sure that she 's doing what it takes for her to get well if we 're not there . " " Ruth , I think that she 's right . " Her mom turned her back to him , and Beth knew that later her mom would tell her dad how he was wrong to have said those things and that he should have agreed with her . " This will be good for her . Kinda wish I 'd taken a trip like this when I was younger . See a little of this big world before things get all hinky . But she needs this and I think she 's doing what she needs to . Not just for her , either . " Hinky . What a wonderful word to say his little girl was going to die . " I 'll send you post cards and when I can , I 'll call you once a week . I really do need this . " " Well , I hope you know that you 're both wrong in this . I can 't make sure that you 're eating properly or that you 're taking care of yourself if you won 't allow me this . Bethany , you know as well as I do that you 're going to need The gas pump popping , signaling that it was finished giving her fuel , startled her from her thoughts . Putting the handle back in the little slot , she looked around while the receipt printed . She would have to find a place to rest soon , a campground that would take her big rig , and settle in for a few days . She might even go and see some of the sights while she was here , she thought , and got into the camper with her small paper . Starting the engine , she let her broken heart mend a little as she made her way back into the traffic . The campground was quiet this time of year . She supposed that most vacationers had had their fill of camping by now . Late winter was not really a go to a place in a motor home kind of time . Smiling to herself , she watched as snow started to fall as she fixed herself some soup and then settled down to enjoy it . Beth didn 't bother with the television , and if asked , she did not even know if she could turn it on . It was the quiet that she wanted . The books that she 'd picked up here and there were on the shelves that didn 't have some souvenirs on them . A pretty stone that she 'd gotten in a national park . A pinecone she 'd picked up at a roadside picnic area that she just couldn 't resist . All of these things and the rest were all labeled and dated . When someone came to get her home someday , she knew that her dad would enjoy these bits of her trip . And the pictures on her computer were all in files as well . She 'd been sending him emails with them attached when she had service . Beth was pragmatic about things , she thought . She was going to die , that was a done deal . But she wasn 't going to wallow in self - pity , nor was she going to roll over and let it take her . She was going out doing the things that she wanted . Just the way her dad had taught her to be . Happy to the end . It was nearly nine when she decided to call home . If her mom answered she 'd never get to speak to her dad , and Beth was disappointed when she picked up the phone . After telling her several times that yes , she waback here , that would be wonderful too . You 've been gone for so long . Also , I tried to get your things out of storage but the man in charge said no . He even called the police on me , if you can believe that . You 'll have to tell him that it 's all right for me to get in there . That way , when you get back here , everything will be just how you want it . " " No . I don 't want you bothering my things . I 'm not coming back there , and for sure you are not going to come here . I know how you are , as does Dad . Mom , I 'm not going to let you know where I am , nor am I going to do whatever else you have on that list in your head that no one messes with . I 'm going to do this on my own , in my own way . " Her mother laughed then , that twittering sort of laughter that made her think her mom was humoring her . " Mom , can I speak to Dad ? Please ? " " He 's busy tinkering with the motor home . I told him that he should just let someone who knows what they 're doing mess with things , but he gets something in his head and he won 't stop until I have to make him . " Beth heard some paper moving around . " Now , I have a map and paper right here . Tell me what state you 're in and I can figure out from there how we can - " " Mom , Dad is an engineer . I 'm pretty sure that he could do a better tinkering job than most of the people who actually built that thing could . " Her mom huffed . " I 'd very much like to speak to Dad . I want to find out what you did to him to make him do this for you . " " What a thing to say to your own mother . You make it sound as if I stand over him with a whip and order him about . " Beth said she did . " I don 't know what you 're on right now , but you 'll not talk to me that way , Bethany . I am your mother . And don 't think I 've not noticed that I don 't have that address yet . " " I know that you 're my mom . And he 's my dad . Now put him on the phone or I 'll hang up and you 'll not know what the doctor said to me . " There wasn 't any doctor , and she had no different news than She heard her mom telling him not to be stupid , that she would like to hear the lies he was telling their daughter and to stay right where she could hear him . Mom even told him that if he did go into his office , he 'd better not shut the door . Beth smiled when she heard it shut and the lock turn . " Dad , she 's going to be really pissed at you when you get back out there . " He only laughed and asked her what was going on . " Nothing . I just heard that Mom made you buy a camper . I 'm so sorry . " " Don 't be . If things keep going like this , I might just start living out there in it . It 's a nice sucker . Have you worked out how the extensions come out yet ? I swear to you , things get more and more complicated than they need to be . " She 'd forgotten to extend the sides again . Not that it mattered … she had more than enough room . " I got the propane tanks filled today . Then I got me a few groceries to stash in it . I didn 't tell your mother , but I got them . I got the fridge all hooked up and cold . I even installed some solar panels on the top of it so that the batteries can be charged when we 're not using them . I 'm betting you haven 't even turned on the telly , nor have you used that impressive stove that it has either , have you , darling ? " " No . To all of it . But I did notice that I have one , if that makes a difference . And the microwave has been wonderful for my many flavors of soup , too . But if I were you , Dad , I 'd do that . You should just get up one morning while she 's in bed and take a trip . Maybe not return . " He told her that he 'd think on that . " I miss you , Daddy . " " And I you too . Are you feeling all right ? Taking care , aren 't you ? " She told him she was , just tired a lot more . " Yes , that 's what they told us would happen . You just take it easy . Oh , before I forget , I got me a cell phone today . I 'll give you the number and you can call me . I put it on vibrate so she doesn 't know about it , but I wanted to be able to talk to you when you wanted . " After she wrote down t " Yes , my lord . And thank you ever so much for the greenhouse . It has cooled tempers a great deal to have something to keep busy with . " He told him that it had been Ryiah 's idea and Whey nodded . " I have a request , my lord . We should like to plan a party when the spring comes . We have not had one for a very long time , and I think it would be a good thing . " " Spring is several months away . You think you need that much time for me to approve it now ? " He told him that he did . That flowers had to be ready for such an event . " I see . Well , yes , a party would be great . I was wondering about the tree . Have you found us some decorations for the big one that 's going up ? " " We have . Oh , so many that will grace the tree . Some of the fireflies , they 've said that they 'd be our lights on it , and that will be a wonderful sight as well . " Remy tensed up when he saw Skylar hit the ground . " She is well , my lord . The earth , it takes good care of her should she fall again . See , even now it helps her to rise up . She will never be harmed in this play . " " I think she falls just to get me to run to her aid . What do you think ? " Of course Whey disagreed with him , saying that Skylar wasn 't that mean . But when she turned and winked at them both , Remy laughed . " I think we 've been had , Whey . My lovely mate is playing with our emotions . " " Women do that well , I think . My own bride , she is making me silly with her ways . Did I mention that the queen has picked us to work with the newborns when it is time for them to be born ? " Remy nodded . He 'd been told that at least twenty times an hour for the last several days . " She finally put up the list . Margo and I will be working with the roses . Such an honor , roses . " Remy had learned a great deal about flowers and faeries . First of all , not every bloom was filled with one of the tiny babes . The flower had to be kissed by a faerie that the queen had chosen . And while many worked for her , only a select few could give the flowers the babes that would eventuallyRemy decided that he 'd make sure to thank the queen for such a service to the humans , both young and old . As they made their way to the couple that were still at play , Remy decided that he 'd very much like to have a few of the little people come and live with he and Skylar . When they were finished with the war , he wanted to settle down and have a houseful of them around . Mostly to talk to - they were extremely intelligent - but also because they made him feel good . Not just physically , but also mentally . " I 've something to show you when you have a moment . " Remy told Nate that now was a good time . " It 's my tat . The one that I was telling you about . We 're to have company . And I 'm not sure what to do about it . " " What do you mean ? Benton ? He 's coming ? " Nate shook his head and pulled his shirt over his head and turned . The tat was moving , and Remy was nearly sick with it . When it settled , he didn 't see much until Skylar pointed out that there were twelve now , not eleven on his back . " Your mate is coming ? Is that what you 're telling me ? Good job , Nate . You 'll be happy as - " " No , a woman is coming . Just because every other female that has come here has turned out to be someone 's mate , doesn 't mean that she 's for me . I don 't know what I 'd do with a mate . " When he started to ask him again what he meant , Skylar put her hand on his arm . She told him to wait . " I 've things to do , so I thank you , Skylar , for the lesson . " When he was gone , Remy looked at Skylar for an explanation . " He is so large , have you noticed that ? And with his size comes certain things that frighten him . " It took him a moment to understand . His size would frighten most men , he thought . Then he thought of all the things that might make a mate be fearful of you . " He thinks to harm her during sex . " Even though it wasn 't a question , she told him that was it . " I don 't see him hurting her . Whatever has happened to him , he won 't harm her . He must know that it 's not possible should he evencan 't think of a single reason for us to be apart . I need you as much as I do air in my lungs . " Remy thought him the luckiest man in the world . And when she kissed him , he felt his heart fill once again with her love and nearly wept with his need for her . Before he took her to the bed , he pulled her back from him just far enough to get her attention . He needed her to understand something that he 'd been thinking about for days now . " I should like to have many children with you . Not to replace the ones that I lost , but to have our love bonded in a way that I never had with my first mate . She was everything to me , don 't get me wrong , but you are so much more . Watching you grow fat with a child of ours ? You cannot know what that thought does for me . " He kissed her again and watched her face . " Remy , I swear to you that sometimes the words that come from your mouth are enough to melt even the coldest of hearts . " He grinned at her . " Yes , having children with you , watching you play with them and hold them , is all I think about when I 'm alone . When I see you with the other children in the compound , I want to have you fill me with one of our own . To have a son or daughter would fulfill me in ways that I never thought possible , so long as you are there beside me to help me nurture and love them . " " And I shall be , my love . For the rest of all our lives . " He lifted her chin up to see her beautiful face . " We have avoided the conversation that has been haunting us for days now . Would you like to discuss it now ? " " No . Not yet . I know what I want to do in my head , but not in my heart just yet . " He understood that . It was the same for him . " After . I want to talk about it after . " " All right . " Taking her to their bed , he stripped her down to her bare skin . Each part of her , every inch of her skin , was marked by some unknown magic . Kissing her now , he knew that someday they 'd know what they were here for , why something had chosen them for this task . But for now , at this moment , he wanted toThis entry was posted in Amazon & B & N All Romance , Blood BrotherHood Series , Dark Fantasy , Endo Of Series , erotica , Release Day , Romance , Uncategorized on December 26 , 2016 by Kathi Barton . Graham Emerson Wolves Release Day ( Final Book In Series ) 12 / 13 / 16 Graham had just finished the construction of his house and was looking for any excuse he could find to stay away from people - that included his large family . But everyone had to eat so a trip to the grocery store was necessary . He didn 't , however , have a mate on his shopping list , but there she stood - injured and panicking . Graham was about as happy as he could be , until three cops came to his property to arrest him and charged him with murder - now the whole family was in an uproar . Graham 's world was crashing around him , he wanted to marry Ramsey , but not like this … . Can they ban together to prove his innocence before it 's too late ? Find out in the final chapter of the Emerson Wolves - Graham . Do you know what you are to me ? She shook her head as he whispered to her . His mouth was doing incredible things to her and she wanted more . Mate ? Youre my mate . Do you know what that means ? Her body seemed to come alive at his words . She struggled to pull from him and he let her go , but he didn 't back off . She moved back from him as far as the wall and tried to get her mind to function again . She was not going to be his mate , not any man 's . You have to go . I won 't bother you anymore if you do the same for me . He moved to within a foot of her and she put up her hands . I don 't want you here . Please , you can 't want me as a mate . I don ' tI 'm not even sure that this isn 't some ploy to get what you want . Or money . Is that it ? ' She looked up at him as he started cursing . Hunter Emerson and his brothers answered the request of a pack looking for a new Alpha and moved to Sommersville . Since they were all Alphas , Hunter didn t have a clue that he was the new Alpha until he arrived . It didn 't sit well with him at all that a woman on pack land held herself in recluse and wouldn 't answer and pledge herself to the new Alpha . What she could be doing there on that big estate with no one around to witness , His mind reeled with the possibilities ? none of them good . Slone Morris had an understanding with the local pack ? leave her alone and she 'd let the pack stay on her land free of charge . It was as simple as that . She didn 't deal well with people . But the new Alpha in town wouldn 't take Fuck off for an answer . Slone 's past threatened to rear its ugly head at every turn . There was one ? someone she thought she trusted ? who didn 't want the past dredged back up . He was determined to stop her at all cost ? Luke Emerson has big shoes to fill . He doesn 't know how to be a Mayor of their small town , but with the help of his assistant , Allen , he is damn sure going to give it a good try . From what little he 's seen of the town government it 's corrupt and he 's bound and determined to do something about it . When they receive a call that Allen 's sister Jack has been critically injured in a fire , Allen falls apart . His sister is all he has left . Luke goes with him to the hospital and as soon as Luke catches her scent , he knows she 's his mate , but the doctor is giving her less than a three percent chance to survive . Can you save her ? Luke looked over at Allen , who was staring at his sister . I know what you are . I mean , I think I know what you are . You can 't live in our town and not hear things . Are you ? Am I what ? Allen looked at him , and Luke felt as if he were staring at his very soul . Neither of them blinked , and when Allen finally looked away , Luke felt as if he 'd been released from a tight hug . You want to know an answer to something , then ask me . I 'm not going to assume anything right now . Luke has two choices : convert her to a wolf , or watch her die . He doesn 't even know her , but he can 't lose his mate he 's just found her . But to convert her without her permission , there could be consequences . Addison Parker is on the run . No matter how fast she runs , or how far she travels she can 't hide from herself , or the gift she 's been cursed with . She can read people 's minds and with a touch can see into their future . That is a secret that she has learned to keep well ? everyone always wanted something from her when they learned what she could do . It 's easier to avoid people all together . Jarrett Emerson is just helping his dad and brother protect an innocent from a perverted wretch . But when a falling brick knocks Addie unconscious , she falls right into Jarrett 's arms . To his surprise he realizes that she is his mate and human … Addie felt stupid standing there like she was and moved to the sink . Jarrett watched her before he reached for a second glass . Addie had no idea why , but she thought he was nervous . " I 'm not going to pounce on you . " As soon as the words left her mouth , she knew that she 'd made a major mistake . He turned so quickly that she backed up and hit her ass on the counter behind her . He didn 't stop there but took the two more steps to have her leaning back to look up at him . " I 'd like nothing more than to have you pounce on me . " His voice was a soft growl that had her thinking all sorts of things that had nothing to do with food . " You 're very beautiful . " " No , I 'm not . " He nodded and halved the distance between them . " You 're too close . I can 't think when you 're this close . " Jarrett doesn 't want her to leave . If she goes , he goes with her . That 's the way it is with mates . But when a corrupt attorney has other ideas , the Emersons have to regroup to protect what they now consider their own … . Dawn Whitfield is on the run , and if her uncle catches her this time she knows he won 't just beat her … he 'll kill her . Her best bet is to keep moving , and at all cost keep hidden . Addie Parker finds the shackled young woman and sets her up in an old house hidden from everything . And that 's where Dawn stays for eight lonely years . Ellis Emerson is in a rut . He can 't seem to do anything right . He thinks he 's found his mate , but can 't get close enough to her to be sure … And that 's a huge distraction that 's turned their construction job from a week ahead of schedule with a huge bonus , to barely three days ahead . And when Addie asks him to assemble a small crew to fix one of her houses , his foreman , Dan , is all for Ellis getting away for a while . Ellis finds his skittish mate hiding away in Addie 's home , but will she let her guard down long enough for him to convince her that their destiny is each other ? Or will her Uncle Basil step in and finally take her prisoner again ? Find out in the next installment of Emerson Wolves ? Ellis . No matter how hard she tried , Kimber Gray always seemed to manage to get knocked back down a peg or two . She was a top rate chef and graduated at the top of her class , but no matter how hard she tried no one would acknowledge it . Now , blackballed in the only profession she knew , she was a failure to the one that mattered most - her daughter , Hannah . With no recourse left to her , she 'd have to grovel and beg her aunt for help . Lee Emerson was glad to be back home for a while . He loved what he did , being a food critic and helping failing restaurants was a dream job come true . But he was tired of the traveling and just wanted to take care of things around the house and relax for a change . Slone , Hunter 's mate , wanted to open a fancy restaurant and have Lee run it . He wasn 't so sure about that , but he 'd love nothing better than to hire that chef that had prepared the last meal he 'd had in France before he left . It was the best meal he 'd ever eaten , and he had been disappointed when he found out the man had left before he could tell him so . The slush claiming to cook the meal , wasn 't the cook and he 'd bet his last dollar on it . Kimber had had it . Her aunt had gone too far this time , and there was no way she 'd expose her little girl to such meanness again . They 'd live on the street first , and she was trying to tell Slone that she wasn 't a charity case . That she could provide for her daughter somehow , when the most gorgeous man she 'd ever seen cornered her , snarling that he 'd protect her with his life . Ah , hell no . Who in the hell did he think he was ? Hello ! My name is Kathi Barton and I 'm a award winning , best selling author of dark fantasy erotic paranormal romance . I have been married to my very best friend Paul , a potter , for at times seems several lifetimes - in a good way , honey . And together we have three wonderful children and then the ones we brought into the world - Paul and Dale Barton , Jason and Wendy Barton and Danielle and Ben Conklin . They have given us eight of the greatest treasures on Earth . They don 't live at home seven days a week ! No , seriously , eight grandchildren - Gavin , Spring , Ben , Trinity , Sarah , Kelly , Kian and Bailee " I tell you , Ram , that daughter of yours is a hoot . I just asked her what she thought of all this , and she said that the money from what was going to be tossed out when this was over could have fed an entire village for a week . " Ram Stockholm looked around the room for his daughter . " When did you speak to her ? I thought her and Chad had left for their honeymoon already . " There was no way his daughter would say that about her own wedding . At least he hoped not . But she was a little stressed out right now . Christ , they 'd spent a fortune on this thing , and to have her upset wasn 't going to happen . Not that his baby girl didn 't deserve it , but to say something like this to William Frank was terrible . " No , no . I meant Ramsey . To tell you the truth , Ram , I had no idea you had another child , much less one as beautiful as she is . But she 's the spitting image of you now that I think on it . " Ram wondered about Ramsey , his youngest child , as William continued . " Like I said , a beautiful little thing , but a mite outspoken . I 'd wondered why you didn 't have her up there with her sister , but I 'm assuming that the two of them don 't get along . " " They don 't . Where did you see her go ? I 'd like to speak to her . " William laughed and pointed to the large open doors at the back of the large room . " Excuse me . " If William answered him , he didn 't hear him . Ramsey wasn 't going to ruin her sisters ' day by complaining about something that was none of her business . But as soon as he stepped out on the deck to talk to her , he stilled . When the hell had she grown up ? The dark blue dress she had on made the paleness of her porcelain skin almost glow . With her hair done up in one of those complicated twists , it gave her neck a gracefulness that would make most men he knew drool . She was tall too , Ram just realized , and rail thin . He cleared his throat before going out all the way . When Ramsey turned his way , Ram thought that he 'd made a mistake … this could not be his child . " Hello , Dad . " RamAs soon as the words left his mouth , he knew that he 'd made a mistake . But the two of them , along with Gregory , their brother , had been fighting since the day that Ramsey was brought home from the hospital , or so it seemed . He just wanted peace and quiet . He never got it when they were all together . And now that he thought about it , he 'd not seen them all together in a good long time . Ramsey had been … well , he had no idea where she 'd been of late . " First of all , I 'm nineteen . Secondly , I didn 't do anything other than to show up here . She seems to think that I 'm going to embarrass her because I 'm not in the wedding party . And people - her kind , she called them - would ask questions . " Ram started to ask her why she wasn 't in the party , but Ramsey spoke again . " She didn 't ask me to be in it , if you were going to ask me . And when I asked her about it , she told me that I would never fit in . Deidra said that she wanted people in her party that were nice and beautiful , something that I 'm certainly not . " " I 'll talk to her . " He would too . He thought this feuding had gone on long enough . " To be honest with you , Ramsey , I almost didn 't know who you were when I came out here . And where have you been hiding yourself ? You look lovely . " " Thanks . " He nodded , then followed her when she moved to sit in one of the chairs that had been brought for people to use . The country club where Deidra 's wedding reception was being held was very accommodating . But he supposed that had to do with his money rather than who he might be . They sat there for several moments before Ramsey spoke again . " I 'm leaving , Dad . " He offered to get her a car to take her home . He asked her to tell the butler that they 'd be along shortly . When she looked at him with the oddest look on her face , he wondered what he 'd said wrong now . He was still trying to get over the fact that she was really nineteen . " I don 't live at home , and I wasn 't planning on going there anyway . I haven 't lived there for somebeen involved in their lives . From the time they were old enough to enter things , sometimes even before that , he and his wife Krista had been there for them . But not Ramsey . He couldn 't remember a single moment , sports event , or even a play that he 'd gone to for his youngest child . " I 've never … I 'm sorry to say , I don 't know any of those things . " He looked away from her knowing face and continued . " I can 't remember one single play that we attended that you were in . Not a game of any sort that you might have been in . Nor do I remember having any sort of graduation party when you got out of school last year . " He looked at her then . " I 'm drawing a blank as to what I got you for your sixteenth birthday . What I got you for your eighteenth or any in - between , and I haven 't the slightest idea what you 've been up to since you got out of school . " " I graduated from high school six years ago . So no , you didn 't have a party for me . I think that Deidra said it would mess up her summer plans with her friends or something like that . I just finished up my last year of college last month , and I 'm nearly done with my master 's degree as well . I moved out when Mom told me to because I was bothering Deidra too much and it was getting on her nerves . That would have been right after I turned seventeen and was nearly finished with college . I work for … . " She stood up and he did as well . " It doesn 't matter now . But I 'm going away . And … I have a job opportunity and I 'm going to take it . " " Going away to where ? And what are you going to do for this company ? " Her laugh hurt him . " Ramsey , I 'm so sorry . I wish I could tell you that I do remember all of this , but I don 't want to lie to you . I feel like this is all my fault . Don 't leave . Please . I 'd like for you to move back home and for us to get to know one another . It 's not too late , is it ? " " You mean because Deidra is gone now , you wouldn 't mind me being there ? " Ram felt as if she 'd stabbed him in the heart . But ifproperly with them . That if she were more like her brother and sister , perhaps they 'd take her to more places . Ram would never forgive himself . ~ ~ ~ Ramsey drove home wondering if she 'd done the right thing . Her original plan had been to simply leave without telling them , but then her dad had come out to talk to her and she 'd told him . It wouldn 't be like them to miss her or anything . In fact , she was pretty sure that not one of them would have given her a second thought . But her dad had hurt her , and she thought that she wanted to hurt him back for a change . Well , she was sure she had , and herself as well . Going into her little house , she thought of the cases that she 'd packed over the last week . She had no idea if she 'd be back here again , but really couldn 't see any reason to return . So what she didn 't put into storage - and she 'd stored very little - had been given away , sold , or just donated to whoever had wanted it . Which again , wasn 't all that much . She 'd sold her house the week before , and had thirty days to leave before the new owners would be taking it . Ramsey had already sold most of her furniture , and all she had left was the bed that she 'd been sleeping in and a single dresser . There were no mementos in the house that she was taking . No pictures of her family because she didn 't have any , and there were no pets in her life . Ramsey had made such a tiny footprint in her life so far , and she was looking forward to making more . Putting all her cameras away except the one that she 'd taken to Deidra 's wedding , she made her way to the darkroom . Her plane didn 't leave until late tomorrow night , but she 'd told her dad differently because she didn 't want him to think they could get together beforehand . Ramsey had meant nothing to them before this , and she saw no reason to try and cram a lifetime of conversations and hugs into her last day . Neither of them would be very comfortable with that , and she was pretty sure it would piss off her mother . The woman had never really likedname when she worked was enough to distance her from her family . " I have a noon opening , and also one at two . Which one can I put you down for ? " " Neither . " He laughed a little on the other end . Ramsey put the mail , mostly credit card applications , in the trash and pulled a paper bowl from the sleeve to have some cereal . " I really have to go , Mr . Carter . I have things to do . " " Wait . This is the job of a lifetime , Miss … can I call you Ramsey ? This is the job of a lifetime . This is a large paper and very prestigious . Think of what doors it could open for you in the long - term . " She didn 't answer him but yawned . " Ramsey , tell me what I need to do to have you come here and work for us . " " There is nothing you can do . I do not want to work for you . I have a job , one that I wanted and worked hard for . I 'm sorry , but you 'll have to find someone else . " She hung up as he was speaking . Then when she was sure that he wasn 't going to be on the other end , she put a block on his number and sent it directly to her voicemail . He 'd more than likely still call and fill up the message box , but for now she was happy . The stupid man worked for her father , as he owned the paper that Mr . Carter thought she should come to work for . And not only that , but the job that he wanted her to take ? She 'd been doing it all the way through college to make ends meet . It had always surprised her that not once in all that time had she ever run across her family . After making sure that everything was turned off in the darkroom , she made her way to her room after eating the last of her cereal . The bed wasn 't made , of course , but she didn 't care . Taking the last of her suitcases off it , Ramsey stripped down and laid out on the messy bed . She was asleep almost immediately . Two hours later she was awake and refreshed . Taking a long hot shower , Ramsey thought of where she might be going . And when she got there , what she was going to do first . Ramsey didn 't have a job to go to like everyone thought . She 'd said that " Why are you doing this ? I thought we cleared things up last night . " She was still standing on her stoop when he came back for the other piece of luggage . " Dad ? What are you really doing here ? " " How about if we have dinner before you go ? I know you have time . We can even eat in the airport if you want . I just … I 'd like to have dinner with you before you go . I don 't deserve this chance , and Lord knows that you have every reason to tell me to go to hell , but I need this , Ramsey . " She asked him why again . " Because I need to connect with you , and will take whatever … . No , that 's not quite right . I do want to be with you tonight , but I also wanted to make sure you knew how serious I was about you calling me . I thought … I hoped that I could convince you that I love you . " " I love you too , but this is unnecessary . Besides , I was just going to grab a burger at the airport , then wait for my flight . Dad , what does Mom think about you being here ? " When he looked away , she knew . " She told you not to come here , didn 't she ? It 's all right , Dad . Whatever she said , I 'm sure she was right . " " She said you were trying for attention . You weren 't going anywhere , but acting out because you weren 't the center of attention at the wedding . I told her she couldn 't have been more wrong . You 've never wanted to be there before . That 's more Deidra 's style , not yours . " He took the box from her and noticed that it had his name on it . " What 's this ? " " I took some pictures at the wedding and thought she 'd want them . Or you might . I don 't care . I don 't even know why I took them other than I wanted to do it . It was just … I don 't understand any of this . " He laughed , and it sounded so sad that she had to brace herself when the pain tore at her heart . " You should go back home before Mom gets upset . " " She already is . And it 's doubtful that she 's going to be in any better mood from now on . " He shut the trunk of his car and turned to her . " Where are you going , Ramsey ? Pparked , he took most of her luggage and she her carry - on things . He had the box of pictures under his arm , and when she asked him about that , he laughed . " I want to see them while you 're here so that I can tell you what a great job you did . " He laughed again when she told him they might be crap . " Nah , I don 't think so . I found out you 're pretty famous with your camera . I mean , you are R . S . Holms , aren 't you ? I had no idea . " " No one does . And I 'd like to keep it that way . " He nodded as they made their way through the line to have her luggage checked . " Those pictures aren 't your normal wedding kind of thing . Most of them are candid shots that I had fun taking . You really might think they 're crap when you see them . " " I highly doubt that . You 're quite famous as a photographer , aren 't you ? The article I read about you , they don 't know who you are , do they ? No one even knows that you 're a female . " She shook her head . " I 'm glad I looked . I almost skipped over the article because it said you weren 't who I was looking for . Why did you change it ? " " My personal life is just that . Personal . And if I put out there that I was who I am , I think any doors that would have opened for me when I started taking pictures would have been because of your last name . This is all mine , not the family 's . " She wondered if she might have hurt him again , but he smiled at her . " I wanted to do this on my own , and I did it . " " You certainly did , and I understand that . " She wasn 't sure he did but said nothing . " While our name means a great deal around the world , you just wanted to make it without my help . I 'm proud of you for that . " " Thank you . " After her luggage was tagged and taken away , they decided to have dinner at one of the nicer restaurants in the place . Ramsey had about three hours before her plane took off , and she wasn 't sure she wanted to sit with her dad while waiting . He seemed to genuinely want to be with her , but she was sure that he 'd get bored after aHe had made his way through about half the pictures when their dinner came . Ramsey had the grilled salmon with grilled scallops on the side , plus a huge baked potato . Her dad , a steak and potatoes man , had ordered a beautiful porterhouse with the same potato with butter and sour cream . No salads for either of them . When he looked at the last picture in the box , she felt herself getting uncomfortable . He stared at the last one for so long that she wanted to ask him what was wrong with it . Her dad looked at her with tears in his eyes and she felt her heart twist . " The only family picture in the world that is half assed . You should have been in this with us . Obviously you were there . Why didn 't you join us ? " She just shook her head and he nodded as if he might know . " Was it your mom or Deidra that told you to step out of the picture ? I have no doubt , after this , that it could have been both of them . " " I understand why she didn 't want me there . It was Deidra 's day , not mine . " That wasn 't really what was said to her , but it was less painfully said her way . " But the picture turned out nicely , didn 't it ? " " It did . I believe that these pictures are going to be much nicer than the ones we paid that man too much money to take . But I want to know . What did your mother say to you , Ramsey ? I need to know . " She didn 't want to tell him . But then she thought what the hell , I 'm leaving and more than likely won 't be back . " Ramsey ? " " She told me it was for the family and not for upstarts like me . I started to point out that I was her daughter too when she … she slapped me . Told me that she wished I 'd not been born . I unbalanced her life . Unbalanced ? How did I … ? I had no say in being born . Why does she say things like that to me ? " She turned away from him to finish . " To be honest with you , it was the deciding factor in my leaving without saying a word to any of you . I don 't know why I even told … yes I do . I wanted to hurt you like you all have hurt me my entire life . That 's the that I want you to use . It 's … well , it 's mine and mine alone . If you can 't get me that way , then use the house phone . But I want you to call me . Weekly if you can . " " I don 't need this , Dad . " He pushed it back at her when she tried to give it back . " Dad , you don 't have to do this for me to call you . I will . " " It 's not why I 'm doing it . I want you to have a backup plan . A way to come home to me if you need me . " She wanted to tell him she needed him years ago , but said nothing . " I wasn 't there for you for nineteen years , Ramsey , but I want to be now . " Nodding , she was moving to the gates when he called her back . This hug she returned , and felt better when they parted ways . Ramsey cried all the way to her first stop , and got off the plane with a heavy and saddened heart .

I worked with a woman and her son . The son got into some serious trouble with the law . I could see that she was distressed so I spoke to her when I had a chance to some privacy with her . She told me that she was so ashamed . The first thing I told her was that she had nothing to be ashamed about . She had done nothing wrong . She had committed no crime . I also told her it was okay to still love her son . He may have done something wrong but he is still her son . A mother should love her children no matter what . And even though what he did ( and admitted to doing ) was wrong he is still a basically good person . I knew him and believed that . My son is a wonderful person and I am terribly proud of him . You need to remember that because it is important . If he did anything he should not have done it does not change the fact that he is a generous caring person who loves his family . His family loves him . Period . When he found out that I was writing this blog my son became so excited . He , as well as his brothers and sister , have been after me for years to write these stories down and compile a family history . I send him copies of what I have written and he comments back . Then I got a bonus . He has been sending me stories . Some of them I knew at least parts of . Some are new . He told me I can share them here . I will write them in his voice . One day I was at my house with my girlfriend . It was the middle of the day when I got a phone call . It was my girlfriend 's ex - boyfriend . He said he was in front of my house and wanted to talk to me . I went out and he was there in his car with his brother . His brother was a cop from a small town on the other side of our state and in full uniform . I walked to the car . The brother told me I needed to stop seeing his brother 's girlfriend . . . because he said so . He put his hand menacingly on his gun and said he wasn 't playing . I told him he would have to do a lot more than that to scare me . I couldn 't believe what I just heard him say ! In less than 2 minutes there were 30 or 40 cops at my house along with the police commander . The police grabbed me and searched my house . The out - of - town cop told them I had kidnapped his brother 's child and girlfriend and was holding them in my house . The police commander of my city was mad , really mad ! He told them that you don 't call an officer down call in the city when nothing is going on . He cussed them both up and down , then he apologized to my girlfriend and me and let us go back inside . He took the two men with him . I never heard from them again . My girlfriend didn 't hear from him for a long time . When they did run into each other he was very polite and never spoke of the incident . There was a tape recorded meeting with a Drug Enforcement Agency officer talking about going to rob a drug house for about 20 kilos of cocaine . When they got done talking they were all supposed to go to the place . At the last minute they decided not to do it and turned the other way . As they were leaving a police car pulled them over on a " routine " traffic stop . The police searched their car and found a gun . All five were taken in and charged with possession of the gun and a cocaine indictment . I showed them that the search was illegal because of a new case out of Arizona . It made it so your car can 't be searched without a warrant , just like your house . Their lawyer told them I was wrong and to not listen to me . I gave them the case and they took it to the lawyer . He said that it was new and that I was right . Then I showed them that even though they had abandoned the robbery they could still be indicted for conspiring to sell cocaine . Since they reasonably couldn 't get any drugs , the police had to charge them with the lowest possible amounts . Every one of them was looking at less than 1 1 / 2 years . I was transferred because I was going to court so I didn 't hear from any of them for a while . Finally I got a letter from one of them . The government threw out the whole case because they did not want to spend the time and money to prosecute for a case that would net so little jail time . They had tried to find me but I was " lost in the system " . They wanted to give me some money even though I had not asked for anything in return . They found a friend of mine and told him to give me the money and to tell me thank you . They would help me with anything I need . It is just one more reason the feds hate me . I didn 't just study the laws . I learned why they do the things they do . I understand them . Most people don 't take the time . I love food . I like the way it looks when it is presented attractively . I like the way it smells . I like the textures and tastes as I enjoy chewing and swallowing . I like the cozy feeling I get when I have finished eating . There are few foods that I do not like . Liver is the first I think of . I like the taste but the texture is gritty to me and I cannot eat it . Coffee smells so good but it tastes oily and bitter so I have never developed a taste for it . Calamari looks , feels , chews , and tastes like those extra wide rubber bands teachers are so fond of using . I am not fond of a lot of meats . I like my meat dry and a lot of meats are just naturally greasy . Game animals do not appeal to me for a variety of reasons . I am fond of one dish meals like soups , salads , and casseroles . I have always said that there is nothing you can do to hurt them . Homemade breads are definite comfort food . Lobster tail . I really like lobster but a whole lobster is just too much . The tail is full of meat and is just the right amount for a good meal . Devil 's food cake with fudge frosting . My mother made the best fudge frosting . She made it like regular fudge but it did not set quite as hard . It would spread on the cake and then set a bit more . I have tried to make it myself but I just cannot get the right consistancy . Chilaquiles . This is a Mexican dish . It is made of chunks of tortilla fried with salsa and scrambled eggs . Try it , you 'll like it . Baclava . Some call it sweeties . It is a desert made with phyllo and honey and nuts . It is extremely rich and sweet . You can only eat one piece . New England boiled dinner . A combination of corned beef , carrots , potatoes , turnips , onions , and cabbage along with a lot of seasonings all in one big pot . My mouth waters just thinking about it . Manicotti . That big piece of pasta filled with cheeses and covered with a tomato based sauce makes you feel like you have eaten a definite meal . Poppyseed coffee cake . The poppyseed filling is a custard type with lots of poppy seeds in it . One must be careful though . Poppyseeds are a natural laxative . Watermelon . I could eat it every day and several times a day if the opportunity arose . Sweet , juicy , and a little messy , it is a good way to keep cool on a hot day . Tea . I like Earl Grey and Irish breakfast tea the best . Some of the herbal teas are too sweet for me . Chocolate candy . Especially chocolate covered cherries . I also am overly fond of chocolate covered peanuts . Chocolate covered fruits are a treat too . These are a few of my absolute favorites . Of course if I am having a hot dog and potato chips , that is my favorite at that time . A good steak and baked potato makes my mouth happy . Banana cream pie bursts with flavor and is my favorite while I am eating it . I like food . I talked about Christmas in a previous story so I will leave it out of this one . Christmas is my favorite holiday ; that is why I devoted so much time to it . It is the one time of year when you are somewhat forced to show the people you care about how much you care about them . We should make that time all year long but we do not . So even if you think Christmas is too commercialized , enjoy the feelings of love given and received . The gifts and food are the excuse to get together to do that . New Year 's Day is the beginning of the year in the United States . It is treated as a holiday and most workers have a paid day off . The truth of the matter is that New Year 's Eve is what most people celebrate . They go to bars or parties to celebrate and drink with their friends . It is the holiday that Americans use as an excuse to get drunk . I worked as a waitress in a bar for several years . We both hated and loved New Year 's Eve . As a group we would rent tuxedos to wear for the occasion . It was not something our employer asked or expected of us . . . it was what we did to make it fun for us . So we paid for the tuxes out of our own pockets . The place I worked sold tickets and only allowed a certain number of people in . It cut down on the misunderstandings that sometimes come with overindulgence . It was also just more orderly . Regular customers would make reservations so that large groups could sit together to welcome in the new year . They might even request that they be seated in the section of their favorite waitress . It was a jolly mood and people would have a good time with each other . There was a DJ and a live band so music and dancing were a large part of the night . We also stayed open an extra two hours to give them a longer time to celebrate . All of that was fun . But the waitresses and bartenders worked hard all night . We were not paid more by management so we hoped for good tips . After a couple of years we realized the reason the tips were so low . In a big party of people ( sometimes there would be twenty or thirty in one party ) a lot of them thought that everyone else was tipping so it was not necessary for them . We made less money on that night than any other night of the year . One thing I do not like about New Year 's Eve is that some people think it gives them the right to drive drunk . There are so many drunk drivers on the streets that I do not go out anymore . Not even to the movies . I simply stay home and watch the ball drop in Times Square on television . St Valentine 's Day is a cute holiday . When I was a little girl it was great fun to sign my name to little valentine cards for all my classmates at school . We usually all took some sort of treats as well because there would be a little party at the end of the school day . St Patrick 's Day is huge in my family . My children are all Irish you know . Wearing of the green and tales of leprechauns and banshees are the order of the day . My brother - in - law had a huge St Bernard dog . He built a little cart that the dog could pull . For St Patrick 's Day my sister - in - law would decorate it in green . Then my niece and my daughter would dress like the Irish lassies they are and ride in the dog - powered wagon in the St Patrick 's Day parade . I always loved Celtic music , especially the Irish Rovers . I know you remember them . They sang The Unicorn song . I had always wanted to go see them live . My children were no fun and none of them would go with me . None of my friends were ever interested and it did not seem like it would be any fun to go alone so I never went . Then my darling granddaughter said she would go with me . I got the tickets and we made a night of it . We went out to dinner . We dressed in our finest greenery . What a good time we had . My granddaughter was enthralled . She glowed as she watched them sing . The man sitting on the other side of her was having as much fun watching her as I was . She loved the music and she loved the jokes and bantering onstage . After the performance the Irish Rovers gather to give autographs and take pictures with fans . They were so nice to my granddaughter and talked to her to say they were glad she was there . She was in love . We have an annual date now to see them when they come to town before St Patrick 's Day . The guys in the band remember her and make a point of speaking to her . Sadly this will be their last year of touring . Easter was fun when I was a child . Easter baskets full of goodies and colored eggs all over the house . We would search for the eggs the Easter Bunny hid . Somehow Mom always knew exactly how any there were . Often we would go to the farm to eat a nice Easter Dinner with my grandparents and aunts and uncles . Cousins would come with other aunts and uncles . If the weather was nice we would hide and re - hide the eggs all day outside . On rainy days we went to the attic and hid them there . Of course someone always hid an egg in the mouth of Grandpa 's stuffed bobcat . Of course I was always the one to see it first . Of course my competitive spirit forced me to take that egg . I would shake as I took it but I always got that egg . Then my father died on Good Friday . We were all devastated . He was truly the center of the family . We tried to keep things as normal for the children as possible to try to ease their pain a bit . The years passed and my youngest son was married and had two children . He asked me why we did not have the big Easter get - togethers any more . I was shocked . I told him I did not realize that we had drifted away from them . He re - started fun family Easter celebrations . There were games and food and egg hunts again . The thing that my grandchildren remember most is a new tradition . Once the eggs have been mauled by the hunters , they all get together and have an Easter egg fight . They throw eggs at each other until kids and adults are covered with shells and egg stuff . How times have changed . May Day is not celebrated much anymore . I can remember making May baskets out of large paper cupcake holders and pipe cleaners . Then we would fill it with candies . We would go to the home of someone we liked . We would go to the door , ring the bell ( or knock ) , set down the basket , and run . If the person receiving the basket could catch you that person had to give you a kiss . Nobody had explained how this worked . I had prepared several baskets and was with my mother delivering them . I knocked on the door and stood there . Mom was yelling , " Run , run ! " I was confused . After my first kiss , Mom explained how it worked . Now she tells me . Memorial Day is a special time . It is the day we take to remember those we have lost over the years . Trips to the cemetery are the order of the day . Graves are cleaned and headstones washed . Flowers are planted . Flags are placed . At one cemetery we are fortunate to have a man playing bagpipes who wanders through the cemetery playing appropriate music . I had a friend on the city council of our city . She told me she had tickets for people who wanted to sit on top of one of the buildings downtown to watch fireworks . How many did I want ? I asked how many I could have . I was able to take my cub scouts , my little league baseball team that I managed , all my nieces and nephews , my brother and sister , and my mother and father . There were folding chairs for everyone to sit on . We were right at the edge of the river . The fireworks were launched from a barge in the middle of the river . It was beautiful . Labor Day is the day to honor the worker . Most workers have a paid day off . It is also known as " the last blast of summer " . Many people get together and cook out for one last time before putting the barbecue grill away for the winter . Then comes Halloween . My second favorite holiday . It is so much fun . There are scary scarecrows , people dressed in scary or funny costumes , and trick - or - treating . My brother and his friends dressed as KISS every year until they were grown . Then the younger boys took over . Now my grandchildren are KISS . Is my family obsessed or what ? There have been other notable costumes . When I was in kindergarten Mom made my costume . I was a pumpkin . My costume was held in it 's rounded shape by metal coat hangers . I had trouble getting through the door to my classroom but I loved that costume . My second son wanted to be the Grim Reaper . I found directions in a magazine to show me how to get the make - up done . It turned out so well that he went like that for several years in a row . My oldest son decided he was too old to trick - or - treat . He was . He dressed as a scarecrow . He used an old pillowcase over his head so he did not look human . An old hat and baggy clothes with newspapers stuffed in to make him look lumpy and a few pieces of straw around the neck , arms , and legs completed his costume . He sat in a chair at the end ot the steps where we were passing out treats . He would wait until a child was the only one looking at him then he would give a little wave . After the initial shock of seeing the scarecrow move the child would tell his mother about it . Every time , the mother would soothe the child and tell him it was his imagination . Then as soon as she would look away it would happen again . My son had a lot of fun . It was more fun than he had as a werewolf . We used Elmer 's glue and fake whisker bits to make his face and hands nice and hairy but not evenly so . When he returned from trick - or - treating he could not wait to get it off . It itched . My oldest grandson was a little old to be trick - or - treating but he and his friends went just to have fun . He dressed as a ghost with a white sheet and a white pillow case over his head . His friend went as an escaped prisoner . His friend happens to be black . People were acting really funny when the boys knocked on their doors . Finally the police came . My grandson was told to go home and take off his costume . People thought he was dressed as a member of the Ku Klux Klan ! My second grandson was reading the Bible . . . for pleasure . He does things that one would not expect of a child but there you are . He decided to be Moses for Halloween . He got a great many compliments on his costume but most people thought he was dressed as Jesus even though he was holding the tablets with the 10 Commandments . Thanksgiving is the holiday for being thankful for all the good things in your life . The traditional meal is centered around a roast turkey . And a lot of everything to go with it . In my family Mom always cooked a huge dinner . Then we could eat and nibble whenever we wanted to . The thing was that there were also football games on television . Mom and Daddy watched as many as they could find . And woe to the person who had the temerity to get between them and the TV . Mom would yell to get out of the way . Daddy did not yell . He simply took off his slipper and let it fly . We usually went to our rooms and played cards or read . You have already met my ex - husband . What I did not tell you was how very intelligent he was . He did not have an education which he equated with being stupid . He was wrong . I also did not tell you how very funny he was . He did not realize that he was funny which made him even funnier . He was also an alcoholic which is sad . My husband did not start out as a drinker . It was a gradual thing . But as the years passed ( we were married for 20 years ) his drinking increased . Beer was his choice and he was usually a " sleepy " drinker . By that I mean he would drink then get sleepy and go to bed . But if he drank vodka which was the only hard liquor he drank he would want to fight . I cannot tell how many times he would call me to come get him . " They 're picking on me , " he would say . I would get to the bar just in time to see him and some other guy rolling on the ground fighting . Once I got them separated the fight was over . Then he would get up , look at the other guy and say , " Man , that was a good fight . You want a beer ? " And back into the bar they would go . I shake my head just thinking about it . In case anyone has a concern about his temper , my husband never threatened or hurt my children or me . He thought that was the lowest thing a man could do . And that is something I would not have endured . One evening a friend of my husband 's had come to do some work on our television . My husband came in from the bar and sat to look thoughtfully at the man . After several minutes he said , " You know , for fifty dollars I could have you killed . " The next day my husband could not understand why the TV was not working . I told him he threatened to have the guy killed . He did not believe me . It was late and I invited him to supper with us . As we were eating I told the man that my husband did not remember what happened and did not know why he had not returned right away to fix the television . He reluctantly and with his eyes peeking from under his brow looked at my husband and said , " Man , you threatened to have me killed . " My husband could not read . It embarrassed him and he went to night school for beginning readers . He learned a little bit . Then he got a new job and we moved out of state so there went his education . However my husband could make anything . And I mean anything . Once a driver came into our junk yard driving his dump truck . My husband asked for a favor . The driver lifted the dump bed on the truck with the hydraulic equipment . Then he would lower it again . My husband squatted on the ground watching the workings of the hydraulic system as the driver repeated the lift and return several times . Then he thanked the driver . He had seen all he needed to see . My husband then proceeded to make a hydraulic lift system for one of our trucks . But he did not go buy materials . We had a junk yard . He used scrap metals that were just lying around . It worked perfectly . He also built the winches to make our tow trucks . Again he just used scrap metal that was there . They turned out so well that he even made a few for colleagues in the business . My son owned a shop where he worked on his fleet of trucks . He was out taking care of business one day when a friend called him . " I thought you would like to know . . . Your dad 's on television . " He had been removing trees from the lot around my son 's place of business to make more room . He was using a backhoe / front end loader to knock the trees over . One of the trees fell onto the power lines and took out the power for the whole area . More than 200 houses and companies were without power . My son 's father sat on the tree stump giving his slurred statement to the reporter . The machinery he had been driving was laying on its side near him in view of the cameras . My son was mortified . My husband also owned a truck or two . A driver for one of his trucks was going up a small hill and somehow ruined the clutch . The truck had about 100 , 000 lbs of cargo . The friend who let them use a tow truck only had a small tow truck . Too small for the job but that was what was available . Naturally my husband had been drinking . My son was with him to help try to get things moving . They hooked up the tow truck . Then the police arrived . There were two males and a female . My husband was driving the tow truck . It was obvious that he not only had been drinking but that he still was . The police did not comment on that . He stood at the door of the truck talking to them . Now my husband never ever gave any thought to what other people might think . He stood there talking to the police then abruptly went around the truck and to the back of it . The female officer followed him to make sure he was not trying to escape . My son just held his head . He knew what was coming . Between the trailers of the truck , he set his beer down on one of them . Then he proceeded to unzip his pants and urinate . The female officer turned away in shock . The male officers were laughing so hard that one of them actually fell onto the ground . My husband finished and walked around the truck as if nothing had happened out of the ordinary . A quick huddle was held to plan what they were going to do . My son got in the truck with the bad clutch . His father got in the tow truck and began to pull . My son got his truck started . It was not easy but he did it . The tow truck popped up in the air then came back down . My husband was driving his truck . As he was going through an intersection in the city , a motorcycle ran the red light . The bike and the driver were under the truck when my husband stopped . He jumped out to help the motorcycle rider . When he looked under the truck he saw that there was no helping him . The rider was tangled in the framework of the truck . In order to free him my husband would have to back the truck over him . It was not a good option . All he could do was crawl under the truck and try to give comfort to the man as he died . That was the man I married . Most of these stories happened after we were divorced . My son actually told them to me and I promised I would include them here . Most of them make it sound like he was a hopeless drunk . He actually never missed work because of his drinking . That is not to say that he was not drinking at work because he usually was . He was also basically a good man . I have four beautiful children thanks to him . Each of them have traits of their father and each of them looks like him . I would be a pitiful person to think ill of a person who gave me all that . I love to dance . I am not a good dancer but I am an enthusiastic dancer . I have a good sense of rhythm and I pick up steps easily . My sister and I desperately wanted to go to a dance . There was a live band instead of jukebox music . We begged until Daddy drove us and dropped us off . He would pick us up later . We were so much younger than everyone else there . And neither of us actually knew how to dance . We stood against the wall most of the night . We felt terribly out of place . Once in a while we would turn our backs and practice a few of the steps we saw others doing . What a relief when Daddy came to pick us up and take us home . In junior high school we learned to do " partner " dancing . Because girls and boys were not allowed to mix during school hours I usually took the place of a boy because I was tall . And of course National Bandstand ( which later became American Bandstand ) was on television so we could learn the popular dances at home . As we walked in the door at the dance we were given a piece of construction paper with a number on it . The boys got a blue paper and the girls got a red one . The first dance was announced . When the music began the boy and girl with matching numbers would dance the first dance with each other . In high school we were required to take a semester of modern dance . We learned how to wave in the wind like trees . We learned to mimic the movements of animals . And we learned two choreographed dances . One was to " Shortnin ' Bread " . I do not remember the dance . The second was to " Go You Chicken Fat , Go " sung by Robert Preston who played the leading role in the movie The Music Man . The dance was awful . We had to contort our bodies into shapes and positions that are impossible for most people , including me . The song is fast and long . It was supposed to be a song to accompany an exercise program , not a dance . As time had progressed I had learned to dance however . I could do all the popular dances . The slop . the bop , the jitterbug , the Frug , the jerk , the lindy hop , the stroll , the twist , the hand jive . . . all of them and more . I am also quite good at following the male during a slow dance so I learned something from my earlier embarrassment . My boyfriend and I went with his best friend , his friend 's sister and parents to their club . It was dance night . The two adults were doing a fascinating dance . They were watched by everyone . I do not to this day know what the dance was but it was great . The father asked his daughter to dance with him . When they returned he was chuckling because every time his daughter would loosen up and relax a bit while he was trying to teach her their dance , she would lapse into the jitterbug . They had a good time but they looked awkward . Then he asked me to try . I tried to relax and just let him lead me around the dance floor . I followed him and we did quite well . A lot of people came up to compliment me afterward . It felt good . I do not think I ever mentioned this before but my children are no fun . They liked it when I sang to them for instance , but they would never sing along . And when I tried to get them to dance with me . . . they would absolutely not do it . Even if they were very small and I was holding them in my arms to dance with them , they would wiggle out and run away . My dancing is not that bad . When my daughter was taking dance classes ( Yes my daughter . She still would not dance with me ) some of us mothers would go out for a while after our children were taken home . Usually it was to somewhere that there was dancing . We were in a bar one night . There was a great big bear of a man who was celebrating . His wife had just given birth to a baby girl . He was buying shots and serving them to everybody in the place . This big man came over to ask my extremely pretty friend to dance . She said , " No , but Emma will . " I did not know how ( at that time ) to refuse him so I got up to dance . I am tall and solid so I was surprised when he started dragging me around the dance floor . I was flopping around like a rag doll . All my friends were laughing so hard . I threatened to kill them all , with a particularly slow and agonizing death for the one who offered me as a dance partner . My husband was driving a truck owned by the proprietor of a bar . The man was Mexican so naturally he had a Mexican bar . Often we would go into the bar to pick up my husband 's paycheck . They had Mariachi bands sometime and sometimes they had regular bands who could also play Mexican music . My husband did not dance but if he had a few drinks under his belt he would get up and flail around . We learned to do a Mexican line - type dance . Everyone danced following a great big circle . We called it the Mexican polka but I do not know if that is what it really is . We could shimmy , conga , pony , cotton - eyed Joe , electric slide . . . and line dances were all the rage . Some of those line dances were really complicated . There was even one that employed calisthenics as a part of the dance . Of course there were slow dances too . The band called them " belly rubbers " . And not all partner dancing is slow . One that I could never get the hang of was the polka . I do not know why but it eluded me . Then the father of one of the guys in the band asked me to dance . He was a very nice man and an accomplished dancer . We waltzed , cha - chaed , and then came the music for a polka . I tried to refuse but he insisted . As i followed him I DID IT ! I did the polka . Now if someone can lead me through it I can polka . Dancing is excellent exercise . Because of the music it is fun and you do not even realize that you are doing so much good for your body . Try it , you will like it . We had a large family . My final sibling , a little brother , had just been born . We had a little house . There was barely enough room to turn around sometimes . But Daddy had a solution . One block over and one block down ( we lived on top of a hill ) there was a lot for sale . We bought it . And we were going to put a house on it . Not just any house . We would build it ourselves . Mom and Daddy found a company that specialized in pre - cut homes . They were not prefabricated . But each and every piece of wood was cut to specification for the home you wanted to build . My parents chose a ranch style home with three bedrooms . First we had to hire someone to level the ground . That is important if you want a level floor I suppose . Daddy marked off the area with posts and string . Then we hired a truck to bring in cement for the floor of the basement . Daddy leveled it and we had to wait for it to dry . Next Daddy mixed some mortar and began to build the foundation walls using cement blocks . He checked periodically to make sure his blocks were level . Level is so important when building . This foundation would also serve as the walls for the basement . Even though Daddy was doing the bulk of the work we all helped by handing him blocks , trowels , and more mortar . And lots of coffee . Once the foundation was ready we began on the base of the house which was what would lie below the flooring . Then the skeleton of the structure and the roof . It was beginning to take shape . Daddy showed us how to hammer in the nails to hold everything in place . No holding the hammer " like a girl " . Hold it at the end of the handle so you get a more accurate and stronger down stroke . Mom liked hardwood floors so that is what we had . It was a lot of work to do that right . Once the wood was fitted into place it had to be sanded , finished , and waxed . But oh my was it nice . We had the largest bedroom . Young ladies need room you know . It had nothing to do with the fact that my younger brother and youngest sister were also in this room . My sister was not much more than a baby but she was a girl . My brother could not be in the same room with the two older boys . . . they would have killed him . So we needed room for two double beds as well as the other furniture needed in a bedroom . The kitchen had room for the stove , refrigerator , and a small table . Being a modern family of the 60 's we usually ate in front of the television in the living room . Of course there was the kitchen sink . It was where my sister and I were expected to do the dishes every day . I hate washing dishes every bit as much as I hate outdoor toilets . Daddy did all the plumbing and electrical installation . He was not licensed to be a plumber or electrician so he had to have everything inspected as he went along so sometimes we had to wait until the inspector could sign off on it . He installed the furnace in the basement . There was an extra space in the basement for an extra room we used as a play room . The basement also held the washing machine . It was an old wringer washer . In decent weather I would wheel it outside the basement door and do the laundry outside in the sun . I did the family laundry once a week to get out of doing dishes that day . ( I also spent another day doing the ironing of said laundry to get one more day of not doing those hated dishes . ) In bad weather I just did the laundry inside . We all feel a bond with that house because we were the ones who built it . I went to that town a few years ago on vacation . Of course one of the first things I wanted to see was the house . It looked exactly the same . I knocked on the door to let the people who lived there know why I was taking pictures but no one was home . I have since moved back to the area . I drove by the house one day and saw a notice on the door . I thought it was a notice that the house was going to be demolished . I was heart - broken . Recently I drove by there again to see what had happened . The house was still there . Instead of the beautiful blue we had painted it and it still was after all the years , they had painted it a milk chocolate brown with dark chocolate trim . It 's actually very nice . There was a set of swings in the front yard so I know children are living there . I felt much better . I have had a huge variety of jobs over the years . I wish I would have planned better for my old age but I am rather childlike in that my interests change and I move on . When I am doing something I become obsessive about it . Then my interest wanes and I move on . It is a character flaw . I began as a child . I had lemonade stands . I do not remember selling any but it tasted good . I weeded gardens , both flower and vegetable . I shoveled snow . I even sold imprinted greeting cards . The first job that I paid income tax and had social security taxes withheld was as a pinsetter in the bowling alley . I was 11 years old . We actually had four whole lanes in the bowling alley . However we did not have automatic pinsetters that are common now . But we were semi - automatic . On league night we were really busy . I always managed to get the lane where the chiropractor 's wife was bowling . She was a " pleasingly plump " little ball herself . She wore heavy make - up and a tight corset . Her eyebrows were obviously applied using a stencil and solidly colored in . Yikes . Because of her corset she could not move easily . Bending to release her ball was impossible . She would waddle up to the line then set the ball on the lane . Only the slope of the lane made it move towards the pins . I cannot tell you how many times it did not have the velocity to knock the pins over . It would just stop when the pins blocked its path . That woman ordered herself a personal bowling ball . I do not know what it was made of but it stunk so bad . We all hated to handle that thing . Occasionally one or more of the pins would be slightly off center and it would jam the rack . The rack would not go back up until it had gone all the way down . So we had to find the faulty pin and dislodge it . It was dirty and greasy back there . In the summer it was so hot . Sometimes we were allowed to prop the back door open to move a little air through . We made one penny per line . A line is one game per person . So if ten people each bowled two lines we made twenty cents . It was decent money . On Sundays the papers were not dropped off in town . We had to drive about fifteen miles to the next town to get them . On the way back we delivered to subscribers who normally got them in the mail . With no Sunday mail we left them in the mail box . As I got older I baby sat . Twenty - five cents per hour was the going rate . I had regular customers who would leave right before supper and return early the next morning . For 12 hours I would make $ 4 . 00 . It was good money then . I also did some volunteer work . I worked as a candy striper in a nursing home . One day while I was walking to the nursing home I got caught in a downpour . I was totally saoked from the top of my head to the insides of my shoes . After clucking fo a while about how wet I was the nurses just put me to work answering phones . I did some volunteer work at the local museum . It was in a small house and everything was piled on top of other things and dusty . We were trying to organize and catalog the historical items . The museum has moved to larger quarters twice since then . I still recognize some of the things from the first museum . When I was in high school I worked at Christmas time ringing bells for the Salvation Army . I was one of those people you see on street corners ringing a bell and standing in front of the pots where you can drop in money to help the less fortunate . It was really good money . Minimum wage was seventy five cents an hour . That is what they paid us . One night I was at my assigned corner . It was bitterly cold and the wind was blowing hard . Luckily I had on my winter apparel plus the cape the Salvation Army supplies . Those capes are super warm . I was standing on a flattened cardboard box to help keep my feet warm by not touching the cement of the sidewalk . A big gust of wind came and caught the little sign on the stand that the pot hung from . It fell right over . No money fell out but I took the sign off so it would not happen again . Soon they came and collected me , my pot of money , and my lovely warm cape . Fresh out of high school I had a job in the dietary department of the hospital . We made the food for all the patients according to dietary needs . It was all made from scratch . We also supplied the cafeteria so hospital employess and visitors could eat . I worked the early morning shift . There were two older women who had been there since the hospital opened and each of them thought they owned the place . And they were so jealous of each other and expected people to take sides . I am not good at taking sides but I am good at agreeing to whatever they said then doing things the way I intended to do them from the beginning . I actually got along well with both of them . I was assigned to serve pediatrics on the first floor and then go up to obstetrics on the fourth floor . We had heavy steam carts to keep the food warm and we pushed those to the floors we served . The individual trays had been sent ahead with name cards on each one so we knew what type of diet to serve . For breakfast I went first to pediatrics to serve the children . There were toasters in each little kitchen on the floor . So I made toast and served the food onto plates . The nurses and aids took the food to the rooms . Then I would go to obstetrics and repeat . I made $ 240 per month . It was good money . I have been a waitress both in restaurants and bars where I also tended bar . I managed a band . I was the assistant manager of a body shop where we repaired cars that needed body work . I did telemarketing ( I know I hate them too ) selling long lasting light bulbs . I was a cashier in a major department store chain in the state . I was promoted to cashier in charge meaning that I was in charge of the other cashiers during that shift . Then I made it to the cash office where we counted down all of the cashiers ' drawers to make sure they balanced and kept all of the financial records for the store . I was secretary / bookkeeper for a man who conducted liquidation sales for stores that were going out of business . I worked in a fast food restaurant . I absolutely hated that job . It was the people I worked with not the job but it left a real bad taste in my mouth . I worked in a factory making industrial shocks . We made shocks for rides in amusement parks like Disney World . We made the shocks that made Batman 's cape turn into wings in the Batman movies . Eventually I was assigned to laser print the company logo and part number onto the shocks . Because of the laser I was in a little room that n o one could enter unless I let them in . I loved that job . And I drove a truck . What kind ? Any truck . If a vehicle has a steering wheel and gas pedal I can drive it . Eighteen wheelers , delivery trucks , cars , hi - los , construction equipment . . . I can drive them all . Again this is another story . Now I am retired . I worked most of my life . I paid taxes for more than 50 years . I think no one should be expected to work that long . Like I said I did not plan well for my old age but I am doing better than just getting by so I guess things worked out okay . I do however get really angry at those politicians who begrudge me my government payment every month . They call it an entitlement . Entitlement my Aunt Fanny . I paid into that for more than 50 years . The money is mine , mine , mine . I earned it . Meet the baby of the family . Mind you he is not the youngest of my siblings but somehow he always seemed like the baby . In my mind 's eye he is still 3 years old . There were seven of us . Somehow we were grouped into the boys , who were my oldest two brothers ; the girls , my sister four years younger and me ; the kids , my youngest sister and my youngest brother ; and my brother . It was not because we loved him less or anything like that . It was just that he sort of got caught in a place where there was no one to match with him . My brother loved to play cars and trucks . He would spend hours in the sand box under the tree making roads and driving his little cars and trucks to all the imaginary places that only he knew . He was more than happy to have company but he never really played with us . He played beside us . At our grandmother 's house he would take the garden hoe and drag it along her driveway to create the most marvelous road systems . Keep in mind that the driveway was half a block long then turned a corner and was another half block long . Until someone drove over his roads or it rained he could play to his heart 's content . When my brother was playing whatever he wanted to play that day he was completely oblivious to everything around him . I often said that he seemed to have a cloud around his head . He just did not realize that there was anything but the moment and what he was doing in that moment . My brother loved our dogs and they loved him . They allowed him liberties that they would not have taken from any other human being . He could stick his little fingers into any facial orifice on a dog and they would not even flinch . He was not cruel just very young and curious . One of the many Suzies was our dog . My brother snuck up behind her as she was eating . The dog did not expect it and did not know who it was that suddenly jumped her from behind . She turned around and bit him . The bite was severe . My brother 's upper lip had a deep wound and the lower lip had a bad but not quite as bad wound . We had a doctor in town and my brother was rushed to the doctor . All the doctor could do was clean the wound a bit . He was older and he said that he could not do what needed to be done for my brother because his hands were not steady enough any more . He recommended a doctor in the next town . My brother required stitches to close the wounds . Usually they do not like to stitch dog bites because for some reason they tend to become infected more easily that way . But my brother 's upper lip was bitten almost completely through . The doctor said he would probably need corrective surgery when he got older . I am happy to tell you that he healed so well that there is a small scar that you can see if you look closely but no surgery was necessary . My niece was ill with a terminal kidney disease . She suffered and died when she was 8 years old . Her mother and father suffered right along with her . Her medical bills were outrageous even though my brother had excellent medical insurance through work . There was not enough money so my brother took a second job and as many odd jobs on the side as he could find . My sister - in - law also found work . For a young family with a sick child , another child that also needed attention , and no time to spare for each other it was too much . Their marriage failed . My brother had the court ordered child support automatically withdrawn from his paycheck . He also saw to it that the children had the things they needed . He is a good father . He was thrilled when his little boy started getting a little bigger . He had someone to play cars and trucks with . My nephew was not as interested in them as his father but they had good time together and that is the important thing . When my niece died both parents and of course my nephew were all devastated . We all were . She was a loving and giving child who enriched the lives of all of us . About two years after her death my sister - in - law went to my brother to remind him that child support was still being withheld for his daughter . She had just realized it and told him that she would let the authorities know . She wanted him to be ready in case there were any papers that would need to be signed . My brother told her not to say anything . The money was directly taken from his pay before he even saw it . He would not miss what he did not see . He told her to put it in a fund for my nephew for when he was older . After 25 years my brother met another lovely woman . He took that long to get over my sister - in - law . These two women could not be more different . But they are both wonderful and both have been good for him . And my baby brother is a grandfather . His granddaughter is the apple of his eye and he adores her . She adores him back . She just graduated from high school and he is so proud .

We are not opening Christmas gifts until New Years and we are gathered as a family . Before Christmas packages arrived for me . The packages looked like flowers . The first one was not flowers , but a box of chocolates . The second one was the above vase and flowers from Dr John . Both the chocolates and the flowers were from John . We had a different Christmas . We didn 't open gifts . We are going to wait until New Years Day , when the family will be here . We went to church to a nice service . I have had two other Christmas ' that were not traditional . When Dr . john was in the hospital 30 + years ago was the first . He was taken by ambulance to the hospital in Green Bay . John 's brother - in - law drove his mother and I down behind the ambulance . We stayed at John 's cousin home as that family went to Florida . John had surgery . A friend in Crystal Falls who was caring for my children drove down so that the kids could see their father on Christmas . That is when the snow storm came . Very bad driving . I got a parking ticket how the officer found the mark on my tire I do not know . Then as I was driving back to his cousin 's house I got lost because you could not see the signs . There were no gifts to give . John 's cousin left cookies . John 's mother kept saying Santa Claus flew right over . I can 't remember if his mother got a meal . I remember I went to the cafeteria but I didn 't find the food tasty . The second different Christmas was when Dr John was in the hospital for the last major illness . That time my children were grown . Peter and Pennie came up and we celebrated at the place I was staying a converted hotel now used for families of those in the hospital . They had Christmas trees in the lounge area . Pat had to come later . We got a meal put together by the grocery store and we used the kitchen . John could not have gifts because he was in the ICU . Pennie and I went to church Christmas Eve at Messiah . The pastor spoke about how Jesus was not at his home also . Celebrating Jesus birthday is important even if is not traditional or on the 25th . It was below zero and the wind chill at - 40 but that did not keep us from church . We bundled up and got in the Montana Van and got through the drifts of snow . The choir along with an orchestra of young students did a Cantata . They did a very good job . After the service the serving group provided fresh cinnamon rolls and sloppy joes along with coffee , juice , and cocoa . Another former pastor had a picture of different trains which he gave to dr . john . Today I face another Raven 's Challenge . he words for this week 's ten word challenge were : When pigs have wings , Moonlight , Mystery , Tower of Babel , Butterflies , Bread and butter , Beef barley soup , Charley horse , Novelty , Cold shoulder Mini Challenge : Software , Lottery , Newspaper , Mailman , Ringo Starr 's drumThirteen year old Mark continued his search for a new home , one he would be welcomed in . He settled into a community called Couldbe . There were life forms he had never seen . He saw a red horse flying , and it must be an important figure , because he saw a sign on a building having a flying red horse . Mark using his mind asked if he could shift into the form of the red horse . The horse responded , " when pigs have wings . " Even though he was given a cold shoulder , the possibility of pigs with wings was not a novelty in this place . He took the form of a butterfly , without asking . Flying with the butterflies he flitted around the town , which was occupied with humanoid forms which again without asking he took the form of . There was a building which appeared to be public so he entered it . There was a man eating alone at a table . He was eating beef barley soup , and bread and butter . Mark asked if he could join him telling the waiter he would have water . The man at the table introduced himself as Charley Horse . Mark snickered . Mark repeated , " Charley horse like a leg cramp ? " The man was offended , got up and paid for his meal , leaving Mark at the table alone . Mark also left following the man called Charley out . It was now evening . Mark continued his exploration of the town . The moonlight made it easy to see . He discovered a object which was a mystery to him . A large form in the middle of a field . It was a very tall structure which reminded Mark of the Biblical story of the Tower of Babel . Around the structure were pigs and they had wings . Now to find that flying red horse . Mini Challenge ; Sandy read the newspaper Bay News while she waited for the mailman . The mailman was really the mail carrier because it was a woman . She hPosted by I have been staying in the last couple of days because of the weather . Cold , not just cold but bitterly cold . I guess that true for everyone in the middle of the country . We are preparing for more snow . O K it is winter . As far as Christmas preparations : Done some shopping and some wrapping . I decorated the new mantle . I found the stocking holders but not the stockings . Our stockings were knitted by John 's aunt Bessie . She gave them to us the first year of our marriage . After the birth of each child she gave them a stocking . Bessie has past away so the stockings mean a lot , but I am not sure of where we packed them . The three moves mean we still have boxes not found . We stayed with my daughter when we first moved here so they may be at her place and she has not had time to begin decorating . Now I must go get Maggie . Before you read this truly unremarkable story just a few words about how it came into existence . John and I decided it would be fun to write a story together and thus the idea for this story was born . To keep us from killing each other a few rules were devised . 1 . Each person would write one line and then the other a line until the end of the story . 2 . We would not discuss what we had in mind or where we wanted the story to go . 3 . No hitting or screaming . This then is the product of our effort published on both blogs on the same day . Sandy was just becoming comfortable with living with the stupid penguin when she found the two messages from Father Bill on her answering machine . Of all people , Father Bill wanted to know about the penguin . He wanted her to come down to the church hall now even though this was the day of the big casino fund raising effort and the place would be packed . She dressed quickly and grabbed the recently gifted stuffed penguin . Ann Haggerty met her at the door to the hall and asked her if she knew anything about roulette wheels as it seems nobody could get the church 's new wheel to work . Sandy looked at Ann with an odd expression on her face . Out of the corner of her eye she saw her penguin rushing toward the wheel . She felt that there was going to be trouble , or maybe help , because that penguin was so unpredictable . Suddenly , the wheel began to turn and it certainly looked like it was working . Applause echoed through the hall , and Ann grabbed a bouquet of yellow roses used too decorate the hall and gave them to Sandy . Sandy , however , was more concerned about where the penguin had disappeared to and what it was up to now . She excused herself , and walked into the sanctuary . Father Bill was not there so she went immediately to his office and waited for him to come back . There was a side door to the office , which opened , causing her to jump back in response . At the same moment she saw through the window her penguin running up and down on the fire escape of the building next door and being watched by abettygram Who 's Money Is It ? Frank Short a portly man dressed in his Vegas duds of a yellow Hawaiian shirt and shorts sat down at the roulette wheel placing his bet . Although winning was his hope , his mind was else where . The guilt of where he got his money was over riding his concentration on the game , now going over and over in his mind the reasoning he used . He won . He collected his chips and placed more down . The wheel again turned . As long as he was winning it didn 't matter , but he continued to scan the room filled with gamblers . It was loud from the noise of the machines and roar of the winners . He was glad it was smoke free , because his lungs were bad . He lost . He picked up his chips and left the table for now , a rule he made to himself . Frank had left Joyce Sarii in the hotel room changing . He had met Joyce on this tour . She laughed at his jokes and he loved her smile . She had become a fine companion . She also was a very lucky lady . He had taken her out for dinner , and as they were returning to their rooms she had placed a dollar in the slot machine and won big . She had cashed out her chips and had left the winnings sitting on the bed . Waiting brought temptation . There it sat lying on that plaid coverlet . I could double or triple that amount by the time she is ready to go , reasoned Frank . " I am going back to the casino . I will be back to pick you up soon . " he shouted out to Joyce while he picked up as much of the cash as he could . Frank knew there was no more time and he would have to get back to Joyce 's room to replace the money , but before he went back he thought a bouquet of flowers would draw her attention as he replaced the money . At the flower shop in the hotel , he bought a bouquet of pretty yellow flowers . He knocked on the door , and there was no response . He knocked again , and still she didn 't come to the door . She had given him her extra key . He used it and entered the room . The winnings that were on the bed were now gone . He looked around the room and there was no Joyce , but her things were still there . The aPosted by Today I face another Raven 's Challenge . This Week 's Ten Word Challenge will be : Horny as a toad , Frankenstein 's sister , Greeks bearing gifts , Holiday , Cheese grater , Gridlock , Drip dry , Coffin maker , movie mogul , Turkish coffeeMini Challenge : prenuptial agreement , The purple cow just hated the orange cat , potato chips , sari , Hammer and nailsSearch For A New Home - Ten Word Challenge " I know . " replied the Captain to his adopted thirteen year old son Mark . His threats against the ship and possible take over were all possible . Mark had great power , as did all the zonics . The Captain remained still waiting for Mark to get a cooler head . Mark turned his back and shapeshifted into his true form of a blue globe , and vanished into the wall of the ship . " Mark " the captain cried . Mark moved away from the ship but had no direction . He thought about all the trouble he had been causing . Maybe it was best for him to leave , to find a place for himself . It would not be his home planet . Someone from there wanted him dead , leaving him as an infant on uninhabited planet . As he traveled he searched with his mind for some kind of being . He heard what sounded like a melody . Some being was singing . This being was inside a log like structure . There were other similar structures in a circle . He entered the structure and saw a singing bipedal creature using a cheese grater on a small table . He took the form of a chair . She resembled what Mark thought the monster Frankenstein 's sister would look like , horny as a toad . She wore a simple plain colored dress . On a near by wood stove was a pot of what smelled like Turkish coffee . Hanging across the room was a cord from which hung candles drip drying . Mark from his advantage point could see out the window and there was forming a large group of beings that resembled the female [ or what he assumed was a female ] but it looked like a mixed group . They were shoving and pushing one another . " We want the coffin maker . We want the coffin maker . " they cried . There was a being coming from the back of the croPosted by My son came up from Madison to put up the mantel that my daughter gave me for Christmas last year . We think we had a part left out and we couldn 't find the directions . My daughter first bought what proved to be only a front to the fireplace and not the mantel . She then went out and bought the shelf . That was last year . She stained all the pieces not knowing what was needed . We found also that the shelf was longer than the fireplace . After all she went through I didn 't want her to go get another shelf so I said put up that shelf . They went out on the net to see if they could find directions and that is when we found we didn 't have the part they asked for . Not to be stopped he found some wood in the garage that looked liked it could be used . The mantel is up . While the mantel was being put up . My grandchildren brought up the tree and decorations . We put up the tree and hung the decorations . The oldest and I went out in the cold and hung some lights on the fence . We had lights that used solar energy . We hung them on the far side of the fence , so we don 't know if they can be seen . On Sunday we went to church . After the service in the fellowship hall they had a Silent Auction . I got a fishing trip for the summer for the grandchildren . They had small items that the children could bid on also . They had a good time . Today I face another Raven 's Challenge . This Week 's Ten Word Challenge will be : think the rain 'll hurt the rhubarb ? , B Vitamins , credit card , jolly , angels , mouse , three ring circus , haiku , sponge , copperMini Challenge : compulsive , trunk , African violets , curiosity , UFOTen Word Challenge - The AttackThe military aboard the space ship Horizon move to their posts . The hits could be felt . There were failures about the ship of necessary equipment only to go back in to commission with no visible fix . No enemy was seen , no injuries reported . Bodies moved around like they were in a three ring circus . Captain Clark 's ship was failing and he couldn 't tell why . He wiped his forehead with a near by sponge . He felt a strong pressure in his brain and a thought came forward . Think the rain 'll hurt the rhubarb ? What ? He thought to himself . He should be taking more BVitamins . In front of the counsel he saw a copper angel holding a mouse . The ship took another hit . " Call off the alert " he announced . " I know how to stop this attack . " He left the bridge and walked to Mark 's quarters . As he moved the ship took some more hits . " open " the door opened and Mark a dark blue globe rested in a nest like container . The printer on the desk was sending out a page with a haiku . The globe then did a slow transformation to a young tall slim Mark that Captain Clark knew as his son . " A jolly good day to you Captain . " Mark said . " stop it now . " The Captain said in a stern voice . " What do you think you will gain by this trickery ? " The bombardment stopped . " We all left your quarters and no decision was made . " " You thought that this trickery would show you as a responsible person ? " The Captain was trying to contain his anger . How could an highly intelligent individual like Mark not understand that this incident might be forcing him into having to have Mark leave the ship . Mark 's demeanor changed and the Captain could see that he was understanding the problem . Then there came another change and Mark stood directly in front of his father and in a threatening voicPosted by We went to my son Pat 's the day after Thanksgiving . He cooked a turkey that had not been frozen . It was very good . We also had a beef roast . My grandson baked three pies , apple pumpkin and lemon . They were all very good . They have a wii and I went bowling . I didn 't play but they also played football . Maggie came with us and was for the most part good . My grandson took out his pet snake and put it on his head . Maggie wanted to get it . We brought a stake and chain to put her outside . One time it was not on right and one of the grandkids went to walk around the house , and she followed . He went in not knowing she was there . She decided to check out the neighborhood . Pennie notice she wasn 't on the chain , and called her back . The day was very nice but my son Pat got sick probably nerves and my daughter got the flu . Dr John is still recovering from the long ride . Today I face another Raven 's Challenge . This Week 's Ten Word Challenge will be : posthumous , flagrant , seven days a week , cheese and crackers , pyramid , civil war , clarinet , microwave , absent without leave , blue jeansMini Challenge : sugar - coated , thermometer , tractor pull , evangelical , masqueradeThe Ten Word ChallengeMark had been envisioning the meeting with Captain Clark since the teams return . It was a flagrant breaking of the rules for him to shapeshift . Not the Spaceship rules and not Earth 's rules , but rules made by the Captain , his adoptive father , and him . It was for his protection for people could be cruel to those who were different . There would be a consequence for breaking the rule , and it would not be eating cheese and crackers for seven days a week . His greatest fear was that he would be sent to the Zonics home planet where he had never been , to his people he had never seen . They were not meeting in the office but in the Captains residence . The Captain was dress in blue jeans and a tee shirt with a clarinet painted on it . He so wanted to be absent with out leave . Dr Peterson entered the room . Mark could feel his anger and fear . He had lodged the complaint against Mark . Dr Peterson was holding a object pointed at Mark that looked like a pyramid . . Mark knew that he had contracted with a weapons expert to build a weapon that would be able to kill a Zonic . The weapon was to use some kind of microwave ray . Would his report of the Linx be read posthumously . There was the mystery of the human contact with the Linx still to solve . Was there a civil war ? The anger was directed at the Captain . The fear was toward Mark . " How could you knowing the suffering our family went though at the hands of the Zonics , harbor one . ? I have written so much on the danger of one Zonic in our universe . It will be you who will lead to the destruction of our freedom . Get him off our ship and out of our universe . " Captain Clark responded " Mark is my son and has a place on this ship . How comfortable would you have felt knowing the truPosted by Last week I helped my daughter make learning posters for the Christmas program . She was helping he choir directer who does the Christmas program . The simple way to do the posters is to write on the poster board the song words . Pennie got a Cricut for Christmas and had not been able to use it as much as she would like . She decided that this would be the perfect time to use it . The Cricut cuts out forms out of paper etc . The Cricut was set to cut light material . She did not understand that and had a few failures before the setting was correct for cutting out construction paper letters . The next problem she faced was the size of the letters . We wanted them big enough to be seen by all the students , but the least amount of poster board used . I took the cut letters from the paper and at the beginning because we didn 't have the setting correct it was time consuming . We had managed by Saturday night to have two songs on large poster boards . It was 2 : 00 AM before we could go to bed . Dr John and I worked also on the train layout and got nine packages out on EBay and sold . Back to the posters . They got used but as they were used the letters would come off . Pennie came home on Sunday and in the afternoon got all the songs on small er poster boards { easier to hold up ] . She used the simple method of just writing the words on the poster board . She has them all ready for next week . She learned a great deal about the Cricut 's use . We got our first significant snow fall today . Today I face another Raven 's Challenge . Ten words : pipe organ , ravages of time , lottery tickets , angelic music , five x five , boxes of books , flattery will get you nowhere , yodelling , pig tails , knitting needlesMini challenge : canary yellow , grizzly bear , out of the frying pan into the fire , simpleton , Ministry of Crazy WalksThe Flicks Ten Word Challenge Mark in the form of the giant thin green bipedal humanoid creature , engaged a pair in conversation . Another gift he had was that after listening to a conversation for a little while he knew the language . The pair were heading to the palace . No one prevented him from entering with the pair . There was angelic music being played by a pipe organ . He looked around and he could not see the pipe organ . The room was spacious . It had marble tile with beautiful mosaics on the wall . The room was attractive but showed the ravages of time . The organ stopped , and then he jumped because there came a sound that he had only heard from Carol Burnett on old CDs . There was someone yodelling . Out from a sliding door came a creature like the others but smaller in pigtails . The pair bowed to the smaller creature . Mark followed their lead bowing also . The creature with the pigtails walked past them and the pair followed , and so did Mark . She walked to another sliding door . The door opened to a five x five room with a box of books and another box of what looked to Mark like large human dolls . The pigtailed creature pulled out of the box three dolls . The creature then went to the box of books and sorted through the books finding two and taking them . She then walked passed them and the three followed . Mark was silent as the other two discussed as they followed that the Princess was " Not right " because she was obsessed with the belief that something looking like the dolls did exist . Mark had learned that the creatures were called Linx . Their names were Let and Sut , and the Princess 's father wanted the two body guards to stop his daughters belief in what Mark knew to be humans . As they made thPosted by Sandy Shore could not believe how fortune had gone her way . She landed the leading role . She was kissing the leading man Jeff Hurtz . The film was being filmed on Lone Lake . A beautiful secluded lake in the mountains . The shot had to be taken several times , which Sandy was enjoying as she sat in the light blue convertible . Was that thunder she heard . She looked up into sky to see the dark thickening clouds . She thought nasty thoughts toward the heavens . She gave Jeff a questioning look . Would they have to stop the filming ? She knew they would because the scene did not call for rain or storm and the lighting would not be right . Sandy 's fortune had turned suddenly she thought . Jeff gallantly escorted her out of the convertible . . They ran as the rain drops started to fall toward the main lodge , The filming crew joined them in the scramble for shelter . All were drenched by the time they entered . The noise from the excited voices was deafening . She looked at Jeff and was hoping that her disappointment was not showing . Jeff and Sandy walked toward the back of the room passing around the beautiful but fake wedding cake . In the movie script , they were to be married but never had a honeymoon because some monster from the lake attacks them . They sat at a decorated table . Passing the time they talked about from where they came and general get to know more about you information . An announcement came that there would be no more shooting for the day . The crowd slowly cleared the room . The two continued in conversation . The next day they would be filming again and Sandy was glad for that but she was glad also for the time of not filming . The rain was not unfortunate , but she continued in her good fortune . She had a date . Today I face another Raven 's Challenge . This Week 's Ten Word Challenge will be : palace , hypocrite , canned air , telephone , biscuit , pinball , acorn , customary , fruit juice , waterfallMini Challenge : buyer 's remorse , lava , haphazard , mildew , soup to nutsThe team feeling they were out of danger examined the underground room more carefully only to discover things were not as they appeared . Yes there were computers , a microwave , beds , a telephone , and even a pinball machine . Eric walked over to the computers and picked up the cords they were not plugged in . Mark went over to the phone , and it had a cord not plugged in . Dr Peterson examined the walls and there were no outlets . Dr Peterson opened the small refrigerator . It was stocked with food . There was a glass bottle of fruit juice . Dr Peterson picked the bottle up and shook it . The juice did not move . " It is fake , " he said . " Everything is fake . " Looking up at the ceiling cameras were located in four locations . Were they real or fake ? There was a fake biscuit on the table . It sure looked real . Eric was hungry but he guessed he would have to eat the rations he took with him from the space ship . Both he and his father reached for their back pack at the same time . To get to the food rations the canned air had to be removed . Mark did not notice the eating pair as he continued on his search of the room . He did find a real acorn . He picked it up and put it in his pack for storage . Mark noticed that there was a wall switch . He went over and pulled the switch expecting it to be fake also , but was surprised to see the wall open . There was a tall narrow hallway . " People come check this out , " he shouted at the other team members . Eric and his father stuffed the food into their mouths and quickly picked up the remaining items putting them into their backpacks . They examined the opening leading into the hallway . The hallway was lit which caused them to be cautious . They did not follow their customary order , but Mark led the way . Mark made the comment that he was the brave one . Then he bettygram Today I face another Raven 's Challenge . Next Week 's Ten Word Challenge will be : France , cold weather , backhoe , light and shadow , Humane society , ambivalent , " Happy Birthday , Sarah Jane , " Martians , Thanksgiving Day Parade , green eyesMini Challenge : she 'll be comin ' round the mountain when she comes , pumpkin pie , yellow jacket , short - changed , life after 50Ten Word Challenge : Dr Peterson despite his problems of fear of Zonics , wanted to get another research project in before the cold weather came to the planet Harper . Mark and Eric were back at loading the shuttle , and Dr Peterson was in the lab . With only Eric there Mark felt free to use his ability to move objects with his mind , and the job was going quickly . Over the speaker came a Happy Birthday , Sarah Jane . They looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders . " I don 't know Sarah Jane , but have a Happy Birthday " , said Mark . Happy Birthday , Sarah Jane " , repeated Eric . Wearing spacesuits the team left the shuttle . They roamed about , and saw an object sitting in a field . It was large , and had a large appendage . It appeared to be metal . " What is that ? " exclaimed Mark . The light and shadow made it look like a monster . " It is Martians " said Eric faking his fear , with wide green eyes . " It is a backhoe , said Dr Peterson . " A what ? " question Mark . " A backhoe . A machine used in construction many years ago , " said Dr Peterson . The team approached the machine and examined it . They found the words made in France printed on it . It was rusty and looked to be abandoned for a long time . The team continued to investigate the surrounding area . As they walked they heard a loud snap . Mark immediately used his ability to read minds to search for intelligent thought . , other than human . He picked up nothing . He lead the team forward assuming they had nothing to fear . The terrain became more hilly , and more densely forested . He did begin to pick up images of them moving . Something was encircling them . He felt the hunger of those encircling him . The others heard the low growling , then saPosted by I forgot about the Peace Day . The day has almost gone so I am going to say May the Lord give you peace . May it not be peace without war but an inner peace also . Today I face another Raven 's Challenge . This Week 's Ten Word Challenge will be : squeaky toy , perpendicular , olives , shanty , howling at the moon , soul , bow and arrow , uniform , statistics , praying mantisMini Challenge : glamour , rocking chair , cormorant , objective , symbolismVeronica was glad she had accepted the invitation to the Fall Art Show . She passed up the table of goodies although she could hear their call . She noticed a bowl of salad on which there were black olives arranged in the likeness of a spider . She felt that was an unusual item , but it was close to Halloween . She walked slowly down the aisle examining the art displays , they were not placed in uniform perpendicular lines , but in clusters . She wondered if where they were placed drew people to them . She did not have any statistics but at craft sales the best booth was near the door . A painting caught her eye . What caught her attention was a large full moon . There was a gray wolf howling at the moon . The wolf was silhouetted against the moon with its head raised . At the wolf 's left side was a shanty . The shanty 's door was ajar and a dark figure held a bow and arrow . In front of the raised foot of the dark figure was a squeaky toy . That was not the only detail that was unusual , but among the tall grass surrounding the shanty and wolf on one blade was a praying mantis . She knew in her soul that if this was a motion picture the noise of the squeaky toy would throw off the aim of the dark figure sending the praying mantis and wolf in different directions , and the wolf would be safe . You could feel the tension looking at the picture . Veronica then moved on to the next cluster of art objects , but wondered if that picture would be something she would want in her house . It would be a talking piece . Five word paragraphSandy Shore could not find the glamour that was supposed to be in going to the beach . That penguin with the cinnamon floppy hat sat in the only rocking chair . Sandy 's objective now was to get into that rocking chair . She tried bribing with fresh fishPosted by I felt happy today when we finished working on the train layout . On Friday we began with getting the logging car to dump it 's logs . We felt good about that . Next we started to move the transformers to the new table and the animated pieces stopped . I felt so bad because until that happened I couldn 't wait for daughter to come home to show off . In trying to get things back working we had to cut through the scenery to find the burned out transformers . We did get all but the skating rink working . We got a new transformer but couldn 't find the right size end . Today John spliced the old end on the new transformer and we got the lights and music but the skaters still don 't move but we have two other skating rinks so we will let the skaters just stand on the rink . Then we ran everything . We had two trains moving and two trolleys and all the animated items working . I felt so bad on Friday that John sent me roses . Beautiful red and yellow roses . I want also to thank Kristin for the pictures I have been getting of Samuel . Today I try another shot at Raven 's Challenge . Week 's Ten Word Challenge : build - a - bear workshop , man bites dog , opulent , disparaging , lipstick stain , preponderance , smoky quartz , clothes pin , meticulous , falling leaves Outside of the counselors office , alien Mark felt ashamed . He knew how upset Dr Peterson was , why did he have to make it worse with the cutting of the paper into a necklace . He shifted into human form , and was walking down the hallway when Eric approached him . Eric is Dr Peterson 's son and a fellow assistant to his father . " How did the exploration go ? " asked Eric " Not very well . Your father had a panic attack and we cut the research project short . " Mark restrained himself from making any disparaging words about Dr Peterson . " let 's go to your room and I will fill you in on the details . " Eric 's room was not opulent . It was fill with items that were called collections . Meticulous care was given to the items . There was a bear made at the build a bear workshop on earth centuries ago and handed down to Eric . It did show a lipstick stain from some grateful relative . The bear was sitting on shelving and next to it was a small bear of smoky quartz . There were hanging on a string and held by a clothes pin colored leaves . They were arranged to look like falling leaves . In Marks eyes the preponderance of items of Earth , showed a longing of the Petersons to go to their home planet . Mark was filled with envy . He had never seen his own home planet . The only information he had was from the Petersons and they were filled with hate having anything to do with the Zonics . Mark picked up the bear turning his back to Eric , and then he quickly turned around . " Put the bear back " demanded Eric . " Why , are you afraid I will do this . " The bear exploded into many pieces . Eric leaped at Mark to get what was left of the torn bear . This was a man bites dog event . Eric could have been in the same shape as the bear and just as quickly . Eric knew this because he had accidentally walked in on Mark as a blue glowing globe , when they werePosted by Today I try my first shot at Raven 's Challenge . Ten Word Challenge will be : blinking , cellulite , crescent , ship - shape , homonym , suffering , packer , wind chime , scissors , necklaceMini Challenge : static , floppy hat , penguin , cinnamon , alphabeticalHere is my story for the ten word challenge . Mark , the assistant , watched the blinking lights move about in the tall grass , as he and his professor explored this area of the planet . Next to him , Dr Peterson also watched the movement of the lights . His breathing became labored . Mark knew that Dr Peterson , a research biologist , was having a panic attack . His fear came from his capture and imprisonment sixteen years ago by Zonics . Dr . Peterson and crew were human and stood no chance against the Zonics . The Zonics were Chrystal like balls , who could destroy their enemies with a number of abilities . The lights were not Zonics . Mark was not sure what they were , but they looked like giant fireflies . The Zonics also glowed but it was a continues light . That fact Dr . Peterson must have forgotten . Not wanting Dr Peterson to continue suffering , Mark suggested that they return to the space ship , and abandon the project on this planet . Wanting to leave the area as they had found it , Mark worked at making everything fit back in their shuttle leaving the area ship - shape . He was an excellent packer . Their spacesuits were cumbersome but essential for Dr . Peterson , not for Mark who was not human . This fact was not know by Dr . Peterson , and Mark had been his assistant for the last year . Mark was a Zonic and one of their abilities was shape - shifting . Back on the ship , Dr Peterson contacted the ships counselor Sandy Fitz . An attractive young officer , the doctor imagined she had little cellulite on her . The office had a wind chime made of crescent shapes from scrap metal . The shapes were familiar , but he couldn 't think of where he had seen them before . They looked like the crescent moon but there were patterns in each one . The counselor gave Dr Peterson an exercise using homonyms , hoping to relieve hbettygram Today is Fun Monday and the idea is to start with a red nine and then doodle . This is my doodle . Doodle AnalysesDone in center of page self centered . eyes alluring , That would be nice . Faces by adolescent girls seeking to produce an idealised self portrait . I am close to seventy maybe a second childhood I am seeking . right to left logicComic faces usually drawn by men indicating a desire to be center of attention , There it is again I want to be the center of attention . But i am not a man . 1 . He 's sitting in front of the TV ; what is on the screen ? House or Monk2 . You 're out to eat ; what kind of dressing does he get on his salad ? None3 . What 's one food he doesn 't like ? Tomatoes4 . You go out to the bar . What does he order ? Diet Pepsie or coke5 . Where did he go to high school ? Ishpeming6 . What size shoe does he wear ? 10 1 \ 27 . If he was to collect anything , what would it be ? Dragons and trains8 . What is his favorite type of sandwich ? Ham and jam9 . What would this person eat every day if he could ? Steak10 . What is his favorite cereal ? Rice Krispies11 . What would he never wear ? ( anything stylish . . . ) 12 . What is his favorite sports team ? Packers13 . Who will he vote for ? No idea yet . 14 . Who is his best friend ? God and me15 . What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn 't do ? fuss16 . How many states has he lived in ? three17 . What is his heritage ? English and Finish18 . You bake him a cake for his birthday ; what kind of cake ? Chocolate19 . Did he play sports in high school ? No20 . What could he spend hours doing ? Running trains and blogging There is a animal hospital and a groomer with it about three blocks from our house . Maggie needs her nails cut badly , and my daughter and I are afraid to do it . My daughter used Petko last time . I kept saying why don 't we go to the place close to us . My daughter called and had to leave a message . No call back . So I thought Maggie and I would walk down to the hospital and make an appointment in person . As we approached the hospital shots rang out . Maggie stopped dead , and then made a movement to head back home at top speed . I looked up and to the right across the road . There were two or maybe three men with guns pointed toward us , but up in the air . In front of them a flock of geese flew upward with loud honking and a flutter of wings . It was a heart stopping moment . I then dragged Maggie back and towards the hospital . She was happy at the arrival at the hospital for she could see and hear and smell other dogs . We entered the building and there were two women at the desk . I asked if I could make an appointment to have Maggie groomed and they said that the grooming lady was not in but she had her phone with her . They gave me her number . I went back home and there were no more shots at that time . I called the number and got a answering machine . I left a message . Still no call back . I guess they do not want our business . Not only do we have gunshots to wake us in the morning but a rooster . In the weekly paper front page ran an article about a man from Neenah complaining about the neighbors rooster waking him up . He was the only neighbor complaining . The rooster owner has a permit and they checked the noise and it was not too loud . Just a reminder this is the city . I have not heard the rooster and I would not be bothered by that noise , I lived in the country and I am use to that sound . Neenah is trying to raise money to restore the city clock so it will again chime . Crystal Falls has a bell that would sound on the on the hour and half hour at the County Court House . I liked the bell because if I awoke at night I could tell the time by listening to the number of times it rang . There are people who do not like the bell ringing . I wonder if Neenah will get complaints when the bell is fixed . As I was going out the door to pick up Maggie for her morning walk at 7 : ooAM , I heard what sounded like gunshots and the dog next door was barking and barking . I noticed the time because I watch crime shows on TV and the thought that came into my mind was that someone was shooting someone in the house next door and I was ready for the questioning . I looked around the house next door as I was walking over to my daughters . Every thing seemed normal . The shots came again . My daughter had left for work and I picked up Maggie and our walk began . We have to pass between my house and the neighbors to get to the walk behind the house that I take Maggie on . I tried looking in the windows , but I couldn 't see anything . We walk around the soccer field the shots continued . I thought maybe what I was hearing was fireworks but that would seem unlikely because we were not near The Fourth . Then I thought maybe it was some mad person who was going into all the homes and shooting . Why hadn 't anyone called the police ? Of course I hadn 't . Would I find dr . john shot when I got back , { you know he wasn 't shot because he blogged . ] A flock of geese flew over . Could the farmers be shooting to keep the birds from landing in their fields ? No police came . That evening I told my daughter . She said that happened every Saturday and it upset her because she would like to be able to sleep in and Maggie was also upset . This was not on Saturday , but the middle of the week , but I hadn 't heard the shots before . Pennie thinks the man across from us , who has a business is shooting in the back of the building . There is a field back there . We have no idea whats going on . Over the weekend I attended a retreat at St Marks hosted by St Marks . My daughter was asked to use Margaret , her puppet . She agreed and she became part of the planning group . The retreat planning had begun almost a year ago , but my daughter joined only in the last part of the planning . The long planning paid off , for it was a very nice retreat on prayer . Pennie would open with Margaret , giving a over view of what was to come with humor . There were a number of projects in which you could choose whether to participate or not . A prayer journal was made , prayer quilts were tied , cards were sent to those ill , having a loss or in the service . The synod had supplied some ideas such as mandalas ( not sure of spelling but they were patterned pictures which could be colored ) and prayer thoughts on equality for men and women . The last was a box with sticks standing with blue ribbons and then there were sticks with pink ribbons hidden in a box of sand . You were to find the sticks with the pink ribbons and place them along side of the sticks with blue ribbons praying for equal rights . The retreat began with the traditional Lords Prayer and ended with singing the Lords Prayer . The retreat also closed with communion . The Holy Spirit changed the program a bit . St Marks has stained glass windows which tell the gospel story and the planners were going to go from window to window telling the story . This was planned in the summer . When the ladies came into the sanctuary to see the windows you could not see them because it was dark . So the lights were turned on and the ladies went outside and walked around the church . We had three meals on Saturday prepared by some men in the congregation . They were excellent . I was very glad I attended the retreat . Pictures on the retreat are found at St Marks web page and you can get there from Dr John 's I wrote about how the small cages at the zoo I visited upset me . My daughter found a computer game Zoo Tycoon and then Zoo Tycoon 2 . I have been building my own zoo . I failed badly the first time . Then I built a fine zoo but my animals multiplied too fast . I then found they could be released into the wild or adopted by another zoo . That helped but I have lost some animals from old age . I have lazy workers who like to sit on the guests benches . My daughter said pay them more , but I have not found out how to do that . This game gives you information on many animals and would be good for young children if they took the time to study each animal they placed in the zoo . There are different forms to play . I am playing a game where I have all the money I want but another game gives a certain amount to work with . I am having fun . Dr john and I went to see his lung doc today . His lung x - ray showed his lung looked better , but his breathing has deteriorated . Note to birds : Maggie moves at the speed of lightening . The birds in flocks sit upon the fence , taunting Maggie the dog . She runs at them they fly away circling just above her reach . That is the way the summer has gone , even flying just above her as we walk in the morning . On Monday evening we gave Maggie a bath holding her with the gentle leader . After the bath , My daughter walked her to my house and put her in the crate to dry . She put the gentle leader on a chair on the porch . On Tuesday morning I looked for the gentle leader over at my daughters . I couldn 't find it so I walked with Maggie back over to my house through the back yard . As we were about to enter the door Maggie turned and jumped and landed next to the fence . It looked like she found something on the other side as she was squatting down . I went to see . She had a bird in her mouth . I said leave it . She put it down and I took hold of her collar and tried to get her away from the bird . She made the movement toward the door but jumped back to grab the bird and away she ran . The next hour I tried to get the bird away from her . I gave her all the commands she knows , sit , stay , give etc . She did none of them she had her prey and she was not going to give it up besides she had me chasing her , a game she loves . I found the leash were my daughter had put it to dry and I took that with me with beef jerky trying to get Maggie to give up the bird . She finally tired and took the beef jerky for the bird . Maggie prey now is two mice and two birds . The rabbit still out smarts her .

Overtime wore on late that day , and by the time Douno left the office , it was past nine at night . An accident had happened along the route home , closing off an entire lane and bringing traffic to a standstill . Douno did not get to his apartment until past ten . The asphalt in the parking lot still carried a damp smell from the heat wave during the day . Exhausted , Douno climbed the stairs with a drooping head , and when he opened the door to his apartment , the first thing he saw was a familiar pair of shoes . Dirty white runners ― Kitagawa was here . " I 'm home , " Douno called as he entered the kitchen . Mariko was there preparing Douno 's portion of dinner . He peered into the living room beyond to see Kitagawa asleep , lying on his back on the sofa . Curled up like a cat on his chest was Honoka . " Honoka was practically jumping up and down when Mr . Kitagawa came over . She wouldn 't leave him for a moment . At around nine , I think , he tried to go home , but Honoka had a crying fit , and he 's been keeping her company since . I guess they must have tired themselves out . They 're both fast asleep . " It was now about two months since Kitagawa first came to Douno 's house for dinner . After his first visit , Kitagawa began to come over at least once or twice a week to eat dinner . At first , Kitagawa would telephone Douno , and would wait at the bottom floor of Douno 's apartment until Douno arrived home , at which point they would go up to his apartment together . Eventually , Kitagawa appeared to grow more comfortable with Douno 's family , for he began to come over for dinner even when Douno was not home . It started first when Kitagawa had stopped by on his way home from work with sweets for Honoka , saying he had gotten them as a gift . Since it was conveniently dinner hour , Mariko had invited him over . " My husband 's not home yet , but would you like to stay for dinner with us anyway ? " she had offered . Kitagawa did not decline . By the time Douno got home , Kitagawa had already eaten and left . Douno was surprised to hear the story from Mariko . He could not believe that Kitagawa had visited and stayed for dinner without him present . Douno took that as a sign that Kitagawa was beginning to feel at ease at his house , and it filled him with happiness . After that , Kitagawa began to bring over all sorts of things , claiming they were from his workplace . According to him , when they worked with non - commercial clients who had custom home projects , they often visited the construction site and brought fruits , snacks , and juice for the workers . Kitagawa would bring what was left . " Mr . Kitagawa brought watermelon today , " Mariko informed him . " We had some already , and it was very sweet and delicious . " She lowered her voice a level as she sat across from Douno . " Mr . Kitagawa is such an enigma . He was a little scary at first , but once you get to know him , he 's not like that all . Today , he even offered to wash the dishes because he said I 'm always the one cooking for everyone . " " He takes playing with Honoka so seriously . I feel like he 's more of Honoka 's boyfriend than your friend . Is it rude to think of a grown man like that ? " " You should have seen him earlier , " Mariko continued . " It was so funny . Honoka was proposing to Mr . Kitagawa . She said ' Will you marry me ? ' and everything . You know how kids just say those things . Mr . Kitagawa should have just brushed it off , but he was actually giving her serious answers . ' But we 're thirty - one years apart ' he 'd say , or ' You 'll feel different about me once you 're older ' . I thought I would split my sides laughing . I could barely hold it in . " Douno laughed , too , as the image rose in his mind . It was past ten - thirty when he finished eating . Douno gathered Honoka in his arms and lifted her off of Kitagawa 's chest . The movement woke Kitagawa up . He looked at Douno with sleepy eyes . " I want to take the car today , " Kitagawa said , which was unusual for him . They normally walked , but Douno was grateful for the man 's request to take the car . He was a little tired from working overtime today . Kitagawa yawned incessantly in the passenger seat . He wearily rubbed his eyes over and over . Douno asked him what time he usually slept , and to no surprise , the man answered that he slept at nine . " We 're already on a tight budget , so I think a second child would be hard to have , " Douno sighed . " Mm - hmm , " Kitagawa murmured before closing his eyes . " Let me know when you feel like having another one . " " But it might , right ? It said so in a book I read yesterday . This kid died and was born again to the same couple . That 's can 't be all a lie , is it ? Why would you say it 's impossible ? " Kitagawa 's face was serious . " Your house has this warm feeling . I like how it smells inside , too . But every day when the time comes , I have to go home . Your house is somewhere I 'm allowed to go over to play , but not stay at forever , right ? " " What can I do to make my love disappear ? " he asked quietly . " I 'm starting to get tired of it . I 'm sick of thinking about you all day . Should I go somewhere far away where I can 't see your face ? But I know where your house is , so I 'll probably end up coming back whenever I want to see you . Oh , I know , I just have to get thrown in jail again . In there , I 'd ― " " I never mattered much in the first place . It doesn 't matter if I live or die . You 're the only one who tries to attach some weird meaning to me . That 's why I can 't help thinking about you , too . " The man passed through the gates without turning around . Douno felt crushed as he climbed back into the car . " I 'll die so I can be reincarnated into your family . " Douno 's heart trembled with grief at the way Kitagawa thought . Kitagawa was far from insignificant and hopeless . His existence had meaning in itself . Why else would I involve myself this much in your life ? It was because Kitagawa had his own charms , and for no other reason than that . Someone ― won 't someone please love this man ? Douno wished in earnest . Won 't someone love him so much and bind him from head to toe in love and responsibility , so much that he would never be able to mention his own death again ? In the end of August , Mariko quit her part - time job . It was a sudden decision , and when Douno asked why in case anything had happened , Mariko only stared at her feet and said she didn 't get along with the people at work . She said nothing more , and since she appeared reluctant to talk about it , Douno let the topic drop without pursuing it further . " What did Mr . Taguchi want ? " Douno asked . " I don 't know , " Mariko said angrily . It was rare for her to get so emotional . " She hasn 't been well this past year . I think she 's entering menopause . She 's always in a bad mood , and she takes it out on him . He 's been talking to me about it before , but I can 't believe he 's still calling me to complain even after I 've quit . It 's not even my problem . " " But ― " Mariko still looked furious . " I hate his wife . She used to be a model , and she likes to show off about it . She 's tall and pretty , but she talks down to everyone . " " You know , " Mariko lowered her eyes . " When I met you , I remember thinking what a gentle person you were . I knew for sure I 'd be happy with you . " " Are you happy ? " Douno asked . Mariko nodded deeply and put her arms around him . Douno began to feel aroused for the first time in a while . His fingertips had just begun to gather heat when the phone rang again . " I think it 's for me , " she said . She answered not from the main phone , but the cordless handset in the kitchen . She said two or three words into the phone before she pressed a hand against the mouthpiece and turned to Douno . Douno was a little disappointed at being interrupted in the moment . He felt like having a beer for a change , and opened the fridge . He was sitting and watching the news , sipping his beer , when Mariko returned to the living room twenty minutes later . She sat down beside Douno . " Let me have some of that , " she said , and took a swallow of his opened beer , and sighed . She had quit her job due to social problems in the workplace , yet here was her former boss continuing to come to her for advice . Douno felt like she deserved at least a day off to have dinner with her friend , chat , and enjoy some freedom . The morning went by as usual , but things changed quickly in the afternoon when a part - time worker fell ill suddenly . She had been fine in the morning , so her sickness was likely due to the lunch she had brought . She was suffering from severe and persistent diarrhoea and vomiting , and was too weak to walk . Tatsuta took her to a hospital nearby , then sent her straight home . Upon Tatsuta 's return , they split the bills and began sorting through them together , but even when five o ' clock rolled around , they were not even through two - thirds of the work . Douno could not bring himself to go home early and thrust the rest of the work upon Tatsuta . He agonized about what to do . He felt guilty about calling his wife and telling her that he wasn 't able to come home after all . She was probably eagerly looking forward to going out to eat with her friend . He knew Mariko would understand and call off her plans if he explained his situation . She was not a child , after all . Yet ― Time ticked away as precisely as ever no matter how many times Douno looked at the clock . Amidst his distracted mind and the resulting frequent interruptions to his work , Douno 's ears caught the sound of rain . Great . Now it was raining , to top things off . It did not get worse than this . Rain . . . rain . . . . Suddenly he remembered . If the man was off work . . . . Once Douno got the idea of asking him , there was no second - guessing . With a word of apology to Tatsuta , he excused himself and went out into the hallway with his cell phone in hand , and made a hasty call to the man who lived in the single detached house on the outskirts of the residential neighbourhood . " Oh . . . well , that 's totally fine . That saves me a lot of work . " Kitagawa grinned proudly when Douno thanked him . Douno had called his house in the evening . He had figured Kitagawa would be off early from work because of the rain , and he was right . The man had been home . " Yeah . I wanted her to have a night out with a friend for a change . I 'm sure she gets tired from looking after Honoka and me every day . " " Yeah ! " Honoka nodded deeply once . While Douno ate , Honoka set Kitagawa to work at his best skill : drawing . Noticing the sudden silence , Douno peeked into the living room to see Honoka fallen fast asleep in Kitagawa 's arms . He looked at the clock . It was almost eleven . Mariko was not home yet . Perhaps she was getting carried away in nostalgic conversations with her high school friend . " Yeah , " Douno agreed vaguely . " Oh , you must be sleepy , too . I 'm sorry for keeping you so late . I 'll take you home . " " I 'm sure she 'll be fine alone because she 's sleeping , but I 'll take her in case . We 'll take the car tonight . It 's raining , anyway , and you won 't get wet this way . " Douno felt flustered . He had not expected to be asked for a token of gratitude for a four - hour babysitting session . He had simply seen it as Kitagawa coming over for dinner and staying longer than usual . We invited you over for dinner so many times until now . With some effort , Douno restrained himself from sounding like he was the one doing Kitagawa a favour . Douno had been the one to call Kitagawa out suddenly , and it was true that the man had been a great help . But it seemed much too cold and impersonal to give him cash . " Y - Yeah , but ― " he managed to stammer despite his stubbornly leaden tongue . " Honoka is only four . She 's just a little child . She says she wants to marry you , but she 's just gotten into a habit of saying that . It 's not something to take seriously ― " " I looooove you ! " Honoka clung to Kitagawa 's neck . The man 's eyes crinkled in a smile . " When you turn sixteen and you still like me the same , I 'll take you as my wife , " he murmured to the child with genuine sincerity , then looked at Douno . " I 'm not saying I want her now . I 'm talking about when she turns sixteen . She won 't be a child anymore when she 's sixteen . " " Why are you so against it ? You don 't wanna give your daughter away to an older ex - convict ? " His voice rang out over Douno 's bowed head . It did not matter if the man was an ex - convict , or someone far apart in age . If Honoka said she really loved him , Douno knew he would have no choice but to acknowledge him . But he had trouble coming to terms with the fact that " him " was Kitagawa . Was the man saying this because he really loved Honoka , or did he want her because she was Douno 's daughter ? Douno could not help but feel Kitagawa was taking his daughter as a replacement for him . He felt himself shudder . " What 're you so mad about ? You started this in the first place . You told me to love someone and start a family . I think this kid is cute . So if I 'm gonna start a family , I 'll start it with Honoka . " " Noooo , I wan ' Kei to hold me ! " Honoka whined , resisting her father 's embrace . She thrashed and flailed , and when Douno unwittingly let go , she went dashing back to Kitagawa . She clung to him desperately . Kitagawa bent his knees so he was level with Honoka , and gently stroked her straight hair . " If you wanna be my bride , grow up soon , " he told her . " But don 't become pretty . It 'll be a pain in the neck if other guys started coming up to you . " They heard a clatter at the door . " I 'm home , " called a voice brightly . Mariko came into the kitchen . " I 'm sorry , honey , " she apologized . " My friend and I got carried away with our conversation . Mr . Kitagawa , you too . I 'm sorry making you babysit on such short notice today . " " Doesn 't matter , " Kitagawa answered in his usual brusque manner . " I bought some cake on the way home . Why don 't we all sit down and have some ? " " Kitagawa 's going home now , " Douno answered before Kitagawa could . " Really ? " Mariko said , tilting her head and looking disappointed . Kitagawa gave Honoka a playful rub on the head before heading to the doorway . Douno watched as the man put his shoes on . Since did not mean to take him home , he purposely did not put on his own shoes . Kitagawa cocked his head slightly , but said nothing . He exited the apartment by himself . When Douno returned to the living room , Mariko was talking on the phone with someone . She hung up immediately when she noticed Douno come in . Mariko glanced out the window . " It 's raining pretty hard out there . I hope Mr . Kitagawa doesn 't get soaked on his way home . " Douno approached the window . She was right ― it was pouring outside , as if to wash something away . He spotted a black umbrella slowly walking down the pathway in front of the apartment . It stopped , then appeared to look up . Douno could not see the face very well , but he felt like it was Kitagawa . He quickly yanked the curtain shut . Honoka was so preoccupied with the cake that Mariko had bought that she did not throw a tantrum when Kitagawa had to go home . Douno sank into his thoughts as he watched his daughter devour the cake with cream all over her mouth . One thing was for certain : Kitagawa 's asking for his four - year - old 's hand in marriage was not normal . " Do you not like the cake much ? " Mariko asked him , looking concerned that his portion was untouched . " That 's not it , " Douno replied , then stood up . " I 'm not in the mood for sweet stuff right now . I 'll have it tomorrow . " As Douno moved behind his wife , whose head was down . He spotted a red mark on her neck . He tilted his head curiously , wondering if he had kissed that spot when they had sex two days ago . When he touched the reddened spot , Mariko 's spine tensed . " You shouldn 't scratch it , " Douno whispered into her ear , then embraced Mariko from behind . She smelled newly - washed , fresh and clean like soap . Douno did not recognize this perfume . Douno reflected on what he did that rainy day and admitted he had acted immaturely . Kitagawa had not suggested taking her against her will , and he had said he would prioritize Honoka 's feelings . Even if Kitagawa was serious , this promise would be null if Honoka had no interest in him . In retrospect , Douno felt like he could have said yes ― it was only an informal promise , after all . Lately , Kitagawa had begun to visit Douno 's house on Sunday afternoons . He came not to eat , but to play with Honoka . Honoka knew Kitagawa came over on Sundays , so she was often restless since morning . When Kitagawa arrived , she was beside herself with joy and would cling to Kitagawa like a suckerfish , saying , " Let 's play outside " or " Draw me something . " Then came October , and its first Sunday . Douno left the house for work in the afternoon , then came back past five to find a rare sight ― flowers in the vase in the living room . They were small purple flowers , the kind he would probably have seen in the back mountains in his childhood . The flowers made him feel strongly nostalgic . " Of course not , Mr . Kitagawa was with her , " Mariko said with a laugh . As Douno touched the purple petals , he heard the pattering footsteps of Honoka running up to him . She pulled at Douno 's pant leg with her tiny fingers . She cupped her mouth as if about to tell a secret , and when Douno crouched down , Honoka put her cupped hands to his ear and spoke in a low voice . Douno looked at her and saw sitting atop her head a small crown of flowers about ten centimetres wide , made with the same purple flowers . He picked it up to take a closer look , and saw that several threads connected the small flower stems together to make a ring . It was quite a piece of handiwork . " Daddy , it 's mine . " His daughter stretched her hands out and stood on her tip - toes . When Douno set the crown on her head , Honoka giggled with glee . " I 'm Kei 's fee - an - say , " Honoka pouted , having apparently picked up the mature word from somewhere . " Next , he 's gonna make me a crown with yellow flowers . He promised . " On the next Sunday , in the afternoon , Douno went to work on his day off . A female part - timer had quit suddenly , and they were having trouble finding a replacement . A week 's worth of menial tasks had piled up over that time , and Douno was heading in to get those done . At past five thirty , Douno began to clean up his desk with a mind to get home soon . Just then , his cell phone rang in his bag . It was from Mariko . " Honoka 's missing , " she said , her voice trembling a little . " After we ate lunch , I nodded off for a bit on the couch . I woke up past two , and Honoka was gone . She was watching a video right beside me . The front door was open , and . . . I thought at first Mr . Kitagawa had come by and taken Honoka out , but it 's past five and I haven 't heard anything from him . He usually brings her home around this time . " " I have , but no one 's picking up . I don 't think anyone 's home . Besides , Mr . Kitagawa always says something to me before taking Honoka out . Sure , he might have come while I was sleeping , and Honoka might have unlocked the door , realizing it was him , and they might 've gone out to play together . But isn 't it a bit careless to leave the door unlocked ? I think there 's something wrong . " " I 'll head back right away , " Douno told her , and hung up his cell . He did not take Honoka 's disappearance very seriously at the time . It was only five - thirty , and he figured she was likely over at Kitagawa 's house . Douno stopped by Kitagawa 's house on his way home . He phoned the man once , but no one picked up . He parked his car in an abandoned lot close to Kitagawa 's house , and pushed the limp ornamental gates open to enter the property . There was a concrete path about five metres long from the gates to the door . The sun had begun to set , and it was growing dark . The garden was dense with tall , overgrown plants . Douno felt like he could easily overlook a small child hidden curled up in the shadows at his feet . Douno knocked the sliding door a few times . There was no response . On a whim , he pulled the door sideways , and it slid open easily without a sound . It was not locked . Kitagawa was astonishingly careless . " Kitagawa , are you home ? " he called loudly . He heard the floorboards creaking further down the hallway . The light in the entrance turned on with a click . " It 's you . " Kitagawa was naked from the waist up , with pyjama bottoms . He narrowed his eyes in a disgruntled manner . " What do you want ? " " I was drinking ' til morning with the guys from the construction site . I came home and was sleeping ' til now . I haven 't gone to your house . " Kitagawa walked around the dense and jungle - like garden while calling Honoka 's name . Douno joined him . They even checked under the elevated porch , but Douno 's little daughter was nowhere to be found . Douno panicked . He had supposed all long that he would find Honoka at Kitagawa 's house . If she had gone out alone and gotten lost , there was still hope . But if she had , by chance , been kidnapped ― Douno was unable to keep still at the thought . " Kitagawa 's out there searching for her , too . I 'm thinking of going to the park and the main road again . I want you to stay home and keep watch . " The clock struck nine as Douno frantically searched the vicinity of his house . He called Mariko to let her know he was coming home before heading back to the apartment . Mariko was sitting on the floor in the doorway clutching her cell phone . When Douno entered the apartment , she looked up at him , close to tears . The police ― Douno recalled his bitter past with the police when he was framed as a train groper . He was still overcome with anger as he remembered the interrogation . It had been as if they were trying to make him out as the perpetrator . He had a lingering aversion to the police , but now was not the time to be trapped by his past ; there was a chance he would end up regretting putting his ego first . Douno followed his wife 's advice and called the police . When he told them that his daughter had been missing since this afternoon , they told him that they would send an officer his way in order to get the details . It was a much better response than he had expected . By that time , the news of Honoka gone missing had reached the entire neighbourhood . Other residents of the apartment , along with the landlord , came out to help . They searched for Honoka all night , but she was not found . " Sir , why don 't you go home once and take a rest ? I 'm sure you 're worried , but get some sleep , even for one hour . If you don 't rest up , you won 't last for the days ahead . " Feeling pressured , Douno rushed home . This time , Mariko ran up to him , asking him if Honoka had been found . " The police told me to take a rest , " he told her . " I 'm going to take a short break . After I call work to take the day off , I 'll go out to look again . " " You 're really angry at me . You 're angry because I fell asleep , because I wasn 't watching Honoka . You probably think none of this would have happened if I did my part properly ― " His wife 's lips were pressed firmly together in a line , and she was trembling . She looked like she would burst from the tension that seized her whole body . Douno had been so intent on searching for Honoka that he had neglected to think about how his wife would feel being left alone at home . " I don 't think it 's your fault that Honoka went missing . I would probably have fallen asleep in your situation , too . Don 't beat yourself up . " He gently embraced his wife 's tense body . Mariko clung to Douno and wept aloud . Douno comforted her like he would a child and laid her on the sofa . Mariko 's crying seemed to have released her built - up tension , for she fell asleep some moments later . Douno called his work and explained to Tatsuta that his daughter had gone missing . If Honoka was not found , he would have to get several days off in a row . Tatsuta appeared shocked at the news , and was speechless at first . Douno changed out of yesterday 's clothes and left the house with his wallet in hand . He bought sandwiches , rice balls , and tea at the neighbourhood convenience store and came back home . He left the food on the dining room table with a memo that read , " Make sure you eat something when you wake up . " As for himself , he only drank a can of coffee . When Douno returned home , he was met with the officer who questioned him the previous day , along with a detective in his fifties . The man 's hair was thinning at the top . He was about as tall as Douno , but his beefy stature made him look stout . His eyebrows and eyes drooped slightly , and his gentle face resembled the god , Ebisu . Kashiwai jumped right into his explanation . Throughout yesterday and this morning , they had searched almost every possible place within half a day 's walking distance for a four - year - old child . Since she had still not turned up after this much searching , they had concluded that it was unlikely she had wandered away . As there had also been no request for a ransom , it was more likely that this was an accident or a kidnapping for unsavoury purposes . " I was accused of groping and I got a guilty verdict . But I 'll keep insisting on my innocence until the day I die . The first thing I thought of when you mentioned ' grudge ' was the so - called victim at the time , the woman . But I don 't think she has anything to do with this case . " " Those were horrible memories for me . I had no freedom for close to two years while I was in the detention centre and in prison . It was . . . incredibly hard to go through , and I wanted so badly to forget . . . that I actually forgot . " " Well , nothing we can 't look up , " Kashiwai muttered . " Well then , seeing as how a grudge is also an unlikely motive , would I be able to hear from both of you what you were doing at the time of Honoka 's disappearance ? Starting with you , ma ' am . " Kashiwai narrowed his eyes even more . " Well , you see , this is our job . I hope you 'll bear with me , " he said briskly , bowing his head . " Honey , " she called from the doorway . " It 's Mr . Kitagawa . What should I do ? He 's been helping to look for Honoka since yesterday , hasn 't he ? We can 't force him to keep helping us like this . Should I just tell him that we 've decided to leave it to the police ? " " Oh , I 'll talk to Kitagawa myself . " Douno excused himself with a short apology to Kashiwai , and stood from his seat . At the door , he explained to Kitagawa that it did not seem to be a case of Honoka wandering off , and that they were going to leave the search to the police . Kitagawa exhaled shortly , his brow still furrowed in a difficult expression . His eyes were bloodshot from walking around with Douno all night . " He 's my friend . He lives nearby , and he 's very close to Honoka . He 's been helping us look for her ever since we found out she was missing . " Changed slightly . In the original Japanese , Douno asks , " Who dies ? " and Kitagawa answers , " Me " , which would make no sense in English . ( back )

Hey there ! Thanks for dropping by Just Call us " The Hecks " ! Take a look around and grab the RSS feed to stay updated . See you around ! We have some " interesting " neighbors that have moved in that have made us more vigilant when it comes to making sure things are locked up when we leave , etc . I hate feeling like this in my own home . It didn 't used to be like this . Well we are very active in our church and attend meetings every Sunday . When you live in the type of neighborhood I live in , most people know when you are gone on Sundays and at what times and for how long . This is information that you really don 't want people knowing if they want to break into your house . Two weeks ago , we came home from church and I had just come out of the bathroom . I was singing The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald , or at least trying to because I couldn 't past " Chippewa on down " because I couldn 't remember the words . So I was in my own little world trying to figure out what the next words were . I came around the end of my bed and turned to go out the door when something grabbed my ankle from underneath the bed . I really shouldn 't have to explain my reaction . It was like having a near death experience . I screamed for at least 2 minutes before I heard my daughter laughing . She is lucky she started laughing or the adrenaline might have jumped and I might have started kicking her in the face . I seriously had to sit down after this . Have you ever been scared so bad that your heart hurt ? My heart was pounding so hard it hurt . I sat there breathing hard and holding my breath . Like Fred Sanford does when the " Big One " is coming : So my first two children were girls . Girls were so much fun . I could dress them up and they got along most of the time . Rarely did I have a smack down between the two of them . My next two children were boys . Boys are an entirely different species all together . When my boys were younger , they got along great together . Better than the girls . As they grew into teens , I started noticing BIG differences in their behavior . I am not sure where in the genetic code of humans that the burping and farting in public gene mutated in males . This is hard to understand as a female and one that I will never understand . For some reason the teenage … and I might add , older aged male , seem to think this is the best way for impressing the babes . Let me put that myth to rest right now . That would be no . When my youngest son turned 13 something changed . Not only did he change , but he passed whatever he had on to my son that was 15 . My polite 15 - year - old son suddenly started farting wars with the 13 - year - old . Two years later despite my constant nagging things have not changed . This is not the only problem with teenage boys . The burping and farting they are constantly doing seems to drown out common sense or deadened it . I am still not sure which . I truly believe they will do anything to embarrass me even if it isn 't on purpose . Don 't get me wrong . I love my boys and they make me laugh everyday . They are hilarious , but they come with horrible side effects sometimes . Take my trip to town a couple of days ago . We came to a store where they were selling newspapers outside of the door . I am sorry , but I hate this . I hate being jumped at a store door without an exit route . I have told these guys over and over that I do not want a newspaper . As I sat in the car looking at the front door and trying to figure out how to get into the store without getting a sales pitch , my son says this " I got an idea , I will just go up and " pants " him and then when he is distracted you can go into the store . I bet he will never want to sell anything to you after that " . After I recovered from envisioning this scene , we opted to go through the garden area and avoid him altogether . I wasn 't sure my son wouldn 't try something . Amongst my purchases at this store was a toilet plunger . As I am getting into the car , I find that my car has a new hood ornament which took some doing for him to get it off after he put it there . I seriously counted my blessings that I saw that before I got going down the road . Once we get going down the highway he then proceeds to stick the plunger on the roof of the car to pretend it is a police siren , you know like in the movies . I had to put up with this for 7 miles . With my neighbor driving right behind me the whole 7 miles . Then he has the nerve to tell me that he wants to make a bow that will shoot one . Guaranteed , I will be the first to get it in the face . Then the other day we went into a store . I was stuck there with him again despite the many times I have told him he is not coming with me ever again . We came out of the gardening area and started down an aisle where we both saw this really cool green glass looking ball . We both reached for it at the same time to feel it . After touching it we realized it was plastic and that is was a toy ball . My son quickly grabbed it and started reading the label . " Hey " , he says " this says this ball can bounce 150 feet in the air , I don 't believe it " . As soon as the , " I don 't believe it " came out I knew he was going to see if the claim was true . The first words out of my mouth was , " Don 't do it " . He must have turned off his " hearing aids " and decided that not only was he going to bounce it on the floor , but he better make sure he gives it enough power that it will do what it claims . He was standing at the top of one aisle and I started down another aisle just as he bounced it . I looked up to see the ball go through the ceiling tiles . This was a good 30 feet up . The ball hit those tiles just right that it lifted them up and turned them enough that they fell out of the rim they were sitting in and came down on his head . I personally did not stick around for the whole thing to play out . When I saw the sky falling , I wasted no time in disappearing . When my son finally caught up to me , he begins to complain about the paper cut that one of them gave him on his face . No , " sorry mom , I should have listened to you " . No , nothing . It has been 3 days and still no apology . Perhaps someday when he has a son I will get an apology . Because despite my hopes for change , I think the gene will mutate in his future sons also . Home remodeling is not for wusses . During my growing up years , there is only a couple of houses that I recall not being involved in a remodeling job of some sort . My mother had this innate ability to take something ugly and make it beautiful . I remember one particular house that I went with them to look at . I remember walking into this four walled container of fecal matter and telling my parents that I would not move into that house if they decided to buy it . It seriously looked like someone had urinated on the walls or something in the front room . The toilet was so disgusting . The house smelled horrible . My parents bought the house because they got a great deal on it . I moved in kicking and screaming . The house did have to be cleaned up before we moved in which helped a little bit . When my mother was done with it , it was beautiful home . I will be the first to tell you that I hate remodeling . Mostly because I hate things being in chaos and it would eventually lead to not having a bathroom in the middle of winter . Utah winters in the past were not kind . You would sometimes have to plow a walkway to the car through 3 - 4 feet of snow . This year it has been 3 - 4 inches . When my grandmother passed away , the doctors did not want my grandfather living alone . He was pretty feeble . So my mother and father sold our home and we moved into my grandfather 's house . It was a two bedroom , 1 bathroom home . There were 5 of us . My parents made do until we could remodel the home to have 3 more bedrooms and a bathroom . See , I told you all remodeling leads to being without plumbing at one point and time . This remodel job started in the summer and went into the winter . My grandfather had a greenhouse that he had made that was in his backyard about 200 feet away from the house . When it came time to install the new toilet , shower and sink , the water had to be shut off to the bathroom . My father built us a porta - potty of sorts in the greenhouse for privacy . Unfortunately it was in the winter and we had a lot of snow . I remember a few mornings making the trip out to the greenhouse dreading the frostbite I was getting braced to receive . This makes you pretty tough . I am about to " out " my mother on this and may she forgive me . I did not understand her situation then like I do now that I have had four children . The birth of children seriously damages anything related to the bladder and the lack of control thereof . Did not understand this at that time . I am a lot more sympathetic of her situation now . One particular morning when our bathroom was still located in the great outdoors , she woke up and had to go out to the " greenhouse " . She realized as she got up that she had to go pretty bad and wasn 't sure if she was going to make it . She had a pretty steep flight of stairs to go down and realized when she got to the bottom that there was no way she was going to make it without having an " accident " . So she made an executive decision to just step off to the side of the steps and go . She hit a patch of ice which caused her to go down along with her pants . Even now , 25 years later , I still laugh at the picture this paints in my mind . I envision Bambi when he first stepped on ice . Now thank goodness Google wasn 't around to do a drive by " shooting " . I would hate to find her on a Google map search somewhere . I could not stop laughing that entire day . I had graduated from high school and was at home so I was stuck there painting all day . When it would get quiet … you know the 7 minute lull … . I would envision my poor mother in her predicament and start laughing . She would just look at me and give me that " I know what you are thinking about look " and then proceed to tell me that she wishes she would have never told me what happened . Well today I almost had the same experience she did , only I kept my pants on and ice was not involved . The first house my husband and I lived in had to be completely remodeled for it to be livable . I decided after the 10 years of that that I would never remodel again . I will paint , but I won 't tear the entire house apart . So for the last couple of months , I have been giving my walls a fresh coat of paint after 7 years . Today I decided that my children 's bathroom needed a new look . I have unfortunately been smacked with the short stump and am at a huge disadvantage at reaching ceilings , let a lone vaulted ceilings . I have not to this day spent money on a step - ladder . That is probably why I have nearly died a few times . Today I had the can of paint on the bathroom sink and I was standing on the side of the tub trying to paint around the ceiling . I had a chair in between me and the sink so I could just step around to make things easier . I stepped on the chair with one foot to reach the paint can and for some reason the chair slid , thus causing me to do the splits . I am sure even when I was a baby that I could not do the splits . I am not genetically built for them . My sister tried forcing me once which , quite frankly , I was lucky I could still have children afterwards . Anyway , as the chair slid I felt the muscles pulling in places that no woman wants muscles pulling . My daughter and husband was on the other side of the house discussing bikes and handlebar tape . I yelled for help , groaned for help , prayed for help . No one came . I managed to grab on to something and get myself pulled back together . I had a flashback to when I was 24 months pregnant with my youngest son ( not really , but it felt like 24 months ) , I went to kick a ball and missed . Couldn 't walk for weeks from a pulled groin . I do not think that I will be walking the same after today . There is something about pulling the groin muscle that just messing everything up . I nearly crawled into the kitchen to where the beloved family with hearing problems were . No comments like , " sorry , we didn 't hear you " or " are you OK " . All I got was laughter . It haunted my ears as I am sure it did my mothers years ago . Why did I even tell them . Everything you do as a teen comes back to haunt you as a parent . At least I was within the privacy of four walls and my pants were stretchy . I know it is a job and someone has to do it , but in my opinion the salesman is the worst job on the planet . I sometimes think a prerequisite for this job title is being obnoxious . The job in and of itself is obnoxious in nature . To mix that with a personality of someone who has to be pushed to her limits before she would mistreat someone is nothing more than a setup to get taken advantage of . As I have gotten older it is a lot harder for me to mistreat someone . I haven 't always been kind and have said hurtful things in the past , but it is just not in my nature anymore to mistreat someone . I have to get really mad at someone before I rip into them and it takes a lot to get me to that point . I hate this about myself at times because it sets me up to get taken advantage of . My husband on the other hand is not like that , but I force him to be because I don 't want to hurt someone 's feelings . I don 't think I have done him any favors . Don 't get me wrong , my husband is a very kind , honest and truthful person and his fault to this is that he thinks everyone else is and so he trust people whom he shouldn 't . Women 's intuition plays into this somewhat because if I have any red flags go up over anything , I don 't trust very quickly . I am honest also , I am just more cautious . This is where run ins with salesmen are just horrible for me . I don 't trust any of them because of the experiences I have had with them and yet , I can 't mistreat them . My mother didn 't take garbage off of anyone and my father was the opposite . I am most like my father in this way , but it took a salesman for me to see a side of my father I did not know existed . When I was four years of age I remember being at home with my mom one day when a salesman tried breaking into our home . My mom was on the phone to her sister when the guy tried every door in the house . Her and I was curled up in a corner of the kitchen hiding with the phone hoping the guy would leave . It scarred me . I have never been trusting of them since this and I haven 't had one that has changed my mind . Another time when after I was married and was home alone a guy showed up selling something . I told him I wasn 't interested and he insisted on coming back when my husband got home . I thought to myself that if the guy showed up I wouldn 't open the door . I had to leave for some reason and had put a note on a whiteboard for my husband that said this , " Some obnoxious salesman said he was going to show up tonight . If he comes , don 't answer the door " . Well , I came home and had gone upstairs for awhile , pretty soon my husband called me and as I came downstairs there stood the salesman . My husband obviously didn 't see the note I left for him , but the salesman did . At that point , the look that guy gave me sent shivers down my spine . He was extremely angry . He said nothing and stomped out of the house . After he left , my husband asked me what was up with that … . I pointed out the big note I had left him . We both laughed pretty hard over it even though I was a little rattled over the look he gave me . Years ago when I was a teen , a Kirby vacuum salesman came to our home . My mother answered the door and told the guy she was not interested . He became extremely pushy and even trying to forcing himself into the door . My mother had braced her foot against the door to keep him from getting in , but the guy was still trying . This is where my father showed up and told the guy with " fist in the air " to get out or he would do something he regretted . The guy left , but we soon found out that he had been causing problems like this throughout the whole neighborhood . We reported him and he never came back . I am not sure what rigors Kirby goes through to train their salesmen , but they are the closest thing to Satan 's spawn I know of . I don 't have a peep - hole on my front door and have opened the door to many a people I would have preferred to keep the door shut on . The Kirby salesman who came back later peeping in my daughter 's window was one of them . I threatened Kirby that if one of their salesmen ever came back I would call the cops on them . It didn 't stop them . A few years later I had one show up that tried to force his way into my house . He didn 't come right out and tell me the company he represented or else I would have followed through on my threat . I refuse to let anyone in my home when I am here alone . He was trying every means possible to get into my home to demonstrate a shampooer . When I told him that I have a shampooer then he started on a vacuum , this is where the red flags started going up . I immediately told him I was not interested , I was supposed to get a free set of knives despite the fact . Eight years later and I have not received them . It wasn 't until I got a follow - up phone call from Kirby that I realized that they were the company this guy represented . I went off on them again and threatened them with a lawsuit . I haven 't seen them since , but that don 't mean they won 't try some other way to get in . In 1992 a woman was raped by a Kirby salesmen . In 2010 a Kirby salesman hit a poor man in the head with a handheld vacuum when he was asked to leave the property . These people are evil . The list of crimes these people commit against others is deplorable . Next to these guys in line for the Satan 's Spawn title would be insurance salesmen . When my husband and I were newlyweds we had one show up on our doorstep . I swear they scope the neighborhoods looking for new move ins . From the start I knew this guy was a scam artist . He started his sales pitch by telling my husband and I all of his marriage problems . I thought to myself … " Are you selling insurance or needing marriage counseling ? " If it was marriage counseling I would have told him his first mistake was telling complete strangers way too much information about his personal life . My husband and I patiently sat through 3 hours of his going on and on about his life . I was about ready to take a bullet just to put myself out of misery . Neither one of us wanted to be mean because of the sad story he had just given us . When he finally got around to selling the insurance , he showed me a list of people who had signed up with him . One name in particular jumped out at me . It was a lady that I had used to work with that had cancer . After the sucker left , I called her and she told me she had no idea who this guy was and that he was lying . He had somewhere gotten medical information about people that he was fraudulently using . We thought we would not see the guy again after we told him we weren 't interested . Nay , nay … a month or so later he showed up as we were leaving . This time I let my husband do his thing and he pretty much told him where to go and how to get there . The list goes on and on . Salesmen remind me of Bill Clinton . In what way you ask ? Bill Clinton seemed to think that there was more than one definition for the word " is " during his scandal with Monica Lewinsky . ? ? ? ? What ? Is ? Salesmen seem to think that there is more than one definition for the word " No " . Since a small babe in arms , I knew what no meant and if I did the opposite I would get it . Salesmen don 't seem to know how to differentiate between No and No . Case in point : Yesterday , someone knocked on my door . I was expecting a delivery that I had to sign for . Thought it was them only to find myself in that all too familiar uncomfortable spot of being face to face with a salesman . The guy asked how I was doing … 1st red flag … Then he was halfway up the sidewalk and I wasn 't sure why until he asked . . " We are selling meat and wondered if you had ever bought from us ? " I said no and before I knew it he was running back to his truck to grab the other guy and boxes of meat . Didn 't give me one chance to decline . If I had a backbone , I would have shut the door and locked it just then . They pretty much came right through my front door and headed for my kitchen … 2nd red flag . I wondered how the guy knew where he was going . This still disturbs me . I kindly told him to come back to my front room . Within seconds flat he had 10 boxes of meat out on the floor pitching numbers and cost faster than you can say , " Bob 's yer Uncle " … . 3rd red flag . He was trying to trick me into accepting his offer by asking me if I would use it … I thought what kind of stupid question is that . If you buy food , don 't you usually eat it ? After he told me that the cost of meat would be $ 3000 for a 3 months supply , that was it . I told him I did not have that kind of money . Then comes the " My boss will give you a deal " pitch . I hate this by - the - way , it really insults what little intelligence I have . I am thinking to myself , if your boss allows a deal then why are you trying to scam people for double that cost … . 4th red flag . Despite me telling him numerous times that I won 't buy he keeps going from one angle to the next . Finally he asked if they were wasting their time . I told him yes . He then asks me to tell him a name of a friend to go sale to and in exchange I would get a free box of meat . I absolutely refuse to do that to anyone . The ironic thing is that this is a farming community where a lot of the people grow their own beef . Which I informed him hoping he would leave people alone . I don 't think it phased him . After they left , I yelled at myself for 2 hours about how stupid I was to let them walk right into my home . If these two had bad intentions , I would have been in an extremely bad situation . I have gone years without a " no solicitation " sign on my door , but decided to put one up yesterday because I am sick of the confrontations . Ironically enough , my daughters were against this . We had a warm 1 hour discussion on how I need to " man - up " and just get mean . " Tell them no , mom " they said . My dear sweet daughters don 't realize that doesn 't work . They were embarrassed by everything I put on the sign . I made it myself and was quite proud of it . But … what makes me laugh at this whole thing … . my daughter asked me to excuse her from her first hour today . Why you ask ? She received a love letter from a boy in that class and she didn 't want to face him . Ironic isn 't it ? My response … " Man - up you can 't avoid it forever " . I then asked her if she wanted me to make her a sign . . in which she refused . I grew up in a family that enjoyed having a good time . My brothers were constantly pranking us five girls . Of course we would always pay back . One particular week stands out more than others when one of my brothers was off work and made our lives miserable . In the process we all started pranking each other something terrible . My father even got in the action . Which was out of the norm . Usually Mom was the one who would go toilet papering with us kids and other " various activities " , all good and legal fun ( at least it was legal back then ) . Toilet papering was our favorite thing to do . If you got toilet papered , you were the coolest people on the block . I remember my friend and I saving up tons of paper towel and toilet paper to get a boy 's house that I had " liked " . I remember one buying spree prompted the store checker to ask us what we were up to … . we just smiled . Admitted nothing . This particular week off for my brother was a nightmare for the rest of us . We would find the neck and arm holes of our pajamas sewn shut when we put them on . We found the legs of our nylons sewn together . My mom found her clothes missing ( that was my dad ) , my brother found a brazier in his gym bag while he was in the boys locker … ( this was a good one ) . My sister found a fake snake in her bed and we found fake spiders ( that looked very real ) hanging from our ceilings . We were renting this home and the basement was unfinished . My father had been in the military and somewhere my parents had picked up military cots for us to sleep on . We came home from school to find all of these nailed to the beams on the ceiling . We came home and found our beds outside . . this was in the winter . We got my brother back by hanging all of his clothes off the roof of the house , including his tidy whiteys . We put vinegar in his cologne … . ( I think this made my extremely patient brother upset ) At this point , things were getting out of hand . We knew my father had had enough when we built a snowman in the front yard and instead of using a broom , we used a toilet plunger . This did not sit well with him . One prank that went bad was my sister had put shoes above a door that led downstairs hoping that she would nail someone in the head when they opened the door . Well she did alright … . the telephone repairman . Nailed him good she did , then she blamed it on the younger , less - defensive siblings . Anyway . . this is kind of the way my family is . One of my sisters imparticular will call and give any child of mine that answers the phone … including my husband … . a good teasing about one thing or another before asking for me . I pretty much do the same to her children or my other sister 's children . There have been times when she or I or another sister will pass on the street and pull the old " finger up the nose " gag to be funny . These types of things are just normal for us . The other day , my sister called asking me to help my nephew do his taxes . She gave me his cell phone number and I gave him a call . I was half way through giving him crap about how I work cheap , etc … when the voice on the other end told me I had the wrong number . Well … that was embarrassing . If we weren 't always trying to pull one over on each other , then things like this wouldn 't happen . Take today for instance : I went to help my sister do something for my father . She left before I did , but I came upon her at an intersection . As I came closer , I decided I was really going to get her good . She was directly behind a truck that was waiting to make a left hand turn . There was no one in front of me and I was going straight . I went really slow and stopped right by her . I stuck my finger up my nose as far as I could get it and put the stupidest look I could conjure up on my face . I sat there right next to her knowing full well she would see the color of my car and turn and look . Sure enough , when I turned to see the look on her face half expecting her finger to be up her nose too … I came face to face with an irate looking woman who did not resemble my sister at all . I don 't think I have ever covered my identity as fast as I did at that moment . I sat there thinking to myself … " idiot , idiot , idiot " . How could I mistake that car for my sister . I ran through my head where the car was exact make , model and color . Her big hair looked like my sister 's big hair from the back …… yada yada yada . . If I was not constantly trying to pull one over on somebody , stupid things like this would not happen to me . Next time , I will be more cautious . I will drive up slowly take a good look to make sure it is who I think it is … then I will shove my finger up my nose . Problem solved . Today was a very stressful day . In the area we live in , we have been receiving a lot of rain instead of our usual snow . It made for some very scary roads . This morning the sun had come out and the roads were wet , but not icy . Or so we thought . My daughter came home from school yesterday telling her father that her car acted like it was overheating . So this morning he put some antifreeze in it and took it for a spin to see if the problem was taken care of . He hit an unseen patch of ice and totaled her car . He is O . K . , but the car was not . My husband was so broken hearted to have to tell his daughter what he had done to her car . Kids have this ability to be so resilient when as adults we worry ourselves into the ground . I happened upon the following entry that my daughter wrote in her blog . I have to share it with you because it brought a huge smile to my face during an extremely stressful time and put what is really important into perspective . My family . BENSON , Utah - 1996 Dodge Intrepid " Sparky " , 16 , met his demise Jan . 20 , 2012 after sliding across an icy road and slamming into one heck of a mailbox post . His bumper was torn to shreds , his lights were shattered , and both of his airbags were ejected . Due to my family 's inability to pay for his medical bills , he was euthanized at Cache Valley Metals the morning of his accident . Sparky left us with a rich legacy of driving into ditches and growling like a hungry grizzly bear . He was a morose individual , always snarling unhappily when his engine came to life , skittering across the road when the snow was falling . Sparky hated winter and winter hated Sparky . He would be glad to realize that he no longer has to deal with snow again . Sparky was adopted my junior year in high school after my parents ' Intrepid exploded on their way to get him , thus , forcing them to bring him home . He was a carefree car at one point of his life , his power steering ripping you across the asphalt , his engine a gentle hum . Sparky and I had many adventures together , such as driving to BYU on the freeway for the first time and that time when I ripped off his BYU tramp stamp with a spatula . He got the nickname Sparky after his battery died at Steve 's house and the jumper cables nearly electrocuted poor Steve . His battery failed him two times that night . I thought I would lose him . Every neighborhood has one right ? … The dog that won 't stay out of everyone 's garbage ? We happen to be so lucky as to have two . The other day I happened to look out the front window and saw one of the critters actually inside of my garbage can . A few years back , the county I live in went to what we call the " Black Beauties " . Everyone has these huge plastic garbage cans with wheels . Anyway I am not sure if the dog tipped the can over or if the garbage truck did when it put it down , but all I could see was the dog 's butt . That was a new strategy , I have to admit . Our nightmare happened on Monday , January 2 . We thought the garbage people had the day off to celebrate the New Year . No , they showed up and half the street didn 't have their cans up to the road . This was right after Christmas and everyone had extra garbage . So we had to take to inconspicuously stacking it by the side door until the next week 's pickup . Unfortunately " Sherlock and Watson " found the garbage yesterday . I wasn 't sure at first it was the dogs until later . When leaving for school , I saw a box where it shouldn 't have been . I came home , picked up the box and stuck it in the garbage . Later that afternoon I left to run my son up the street and saw a somewhat nicely laid out buffet on my front lawn . Salsa , oranges and chocolate milk . As we were pulling out of the driveway and seeing various pieces of garbage scattered up the driveway , I was mumbling and threatening the culprits . As we got to the top of the drive , I saw " Sherlock " making her way down the road . My son had made the comment that the two of them were " working " the street . One on one side and one on the other , although we only saw " Sherlock " . I watched her as I pulled out of the driveway and sure enough she returned to the scene of the crime . I floored it to get back home before more garbage was strewn up the driveway . When we returned " Watson " had showed up , thus verifying the " working the streets " theory . When she saw us , she hauled butt out of there . One time " Sherlock " left a cow head on our lawn . Yes . . you heard me right a cow head . My husband threw it in the trash . Do you know how many times I was startled by that head when I opened that can ? I would like to hide something in the garbage can that would literally scare the crap right out of the next dog that attempted theft . Something spring - loaded , so that when that lid was moved … . Although , I think I would be the first to get it right in the keester . I would forget and open it . I know I would . Got to put the mind in gear to come up with something to deter them . I will market it with my crapapult and make millions . For Christmas every year , we buy one or two boardgames because we love playing games as a family . Every Sunday night we have what we call Family Home Evening and we have a lesson on gospel topics and then we plays games and have treats . Everyone takes turns doing different things . Family Home Evening is not Family Home Evening with the games . We take turns picking a game and spend the night laughing or fighting if it is Pictionary . It never fails , something about Pictionary brings the worst out of at least one person . If you put my two daughters together on a team , guaranteed you have your work cut out for you to win . It is like they can read each other 's minds or something . The family joke , " Hey , I feel like fighting … let 's play Pictionary " . Pit is also a family favorite . This year for Christmas I found one of the funniest games . It is called Redneck Life . I bought it at www . newegg . com . That was the cheapest place I found . They also offer an expansion pack which is worth the extra cost to buy right off . This game is based on The Game of Life only it is in redneck version . You shake one or two dice ( depending if you are using expansion pack ) to see what grade you graduated from . Then a payday comes with that education and a job i . e . Monster Truck announcer , bouncer , bass fishing guide … etc . You roll the dice to pick your spouses name . i . e . Big Belle , Corndog Pete … . The first time we played we were all depressed because you automatically go into debt . You have to buy a house and a car etc . Throughout the game you have " accidents " that make you loose teeth . The object of the game is to see who has the most teeth at the end . There are factors that determine this at the end . You can gain some teeth back through various ways . The worst part of it for me was that I ended up with 34 children and 31 of them were all named Darryl and had red hair . This forced me to buy enough vehicles to get this family around . There is a space you land on where you can take the kids to the babysitter ( babysitter being whatever player you choose ) and " forget " they are there . Then the babysitter adds that many more kids to their kid list . By the way , each kid you have takes away $ 10 from your payday . So if your payday stunk in the beginning , it really stinks if you have a ton of kids . We have laughed so hard during this game . Tears streaming . The first time we played , I landed on a square that said , " Your parents didn 't want you when you were born and left you at the hospital , start over " . This pretty much sucked , but I did get even at the end . This is a hilarious game . I had to edit some of it for my kids ( they are 14 - 19 ) just because I didn 't feel it was appropriate for our home but it is stuff you can work around . The cars and houses that you have to buy are actual pictures of real homes and vehicles . I would hope that people don 't live in things like that or drive things like that , but I have an uneasy feeling that they do . I am not sure there is one woman on this planet who enjoys cleaning a toilet . If there is I would like to meet them . Yet , to have to clean something so disgusting is far better than not having one at all . At least during the flu season . The family Christmas party was held just days before Christmas . We have about 70 plus now in the extended family , but I believe at that time there were probably only 60 something and of those sixty I believe only 35 of us were there . My husband and kids and I always have a Christmas Eve party . I planned big , we had Chinese food and all kinds of goodies . It was great fun until later that night one of my kids complained of not feeling well . I hoped that it was just something passing so that their Christmas would not be ruined . By the time we went to bed three children were sick . We started dropping like flies people . Christmas morning welcomed the entire family having the flu . The worst Christmas ever . We barely managed to get packages opened between trips to the bathroom . Most of us laid and moaned all day . I began to wonder if some of my cooking had given us all food poisoning , until I started calling around and getting calls from the family . What we realized is that within a five - day period 26 of the 35 people had the flu . It nearly took out the entire family . We then thought that perhaps we ate something at the party that gave us food poisoning . We could not find a common denominator . I do believe to this date nothing has made me sicker except for morning sickness . When every Christmas rolls around at least one child tells me that they never want to see Chinese food again . It is not what made everyone sick , but everyone remembers what it is like revisiting that meal over and over again . I have always been one that hardly ever throws up . I remember the few times I have it has been with a migraine combined with motion sickness . Other than that , morning sickness with my first child for 5 months was the only puking I have done . Up until this Christmas day , I had not thrown up for 15 years . I broke that record and made up for all those years in 6 days . None of us could eat for about two weeks . It was horrible . I bring this up because I think there should be laws that only person can get the flu at a time in a family . I don 't know who to talk to about this , but it is unfair for a mother to have to deal with . I came to this conclusion last night while I was up most of the night with two sons suffering from the flu . It is going on three days now and neither one of them has slept for the last two nights because of the attachment they have with " John " . I breathe a sign of relief that we made it past Christmas before this hit , but now I await to see how many of us get it . Unfortunately when Mom gets sick I still have to be mom . No quitting for me . I am keeping my distance and crossing my fingers . So with yesterday being the last day before everyone went back to school , we wracked our brains trying to find something to do as our last " hurrah " . After a lot of thoughtful contemplation we decided to have a Nerf gun war . Feeling like I do today , I wish I wouldn 't have suggested it . We got all of the guns and ammo together and found a place for the war . We sat up the bunkers and made up teams . After the first round we decided that the teams weren 't working for us so it suddenly became a " free - for - all " . I realized after about 45 minutes why they suggest you wear protective eyewear . I was hit in the face 4 times . I nailed my son right between the eyes once and just as he turned around his sister shot him in the forehead . Ears were impaled , and heads were shot . Nothing was sacred people , nothing . One thing that has been a problem with me for years is that if I get laughing , I quickly become immobilized . I lose all strength in the body and can do nothing to protect myself . This is a huge weakness of mine and it has been used against me many times . Yesterday was no exception . Some of the Nerf ammo has velcro on one end . I shot my daughter in the butt and the ammo was just hanging there . She could not deny I hit her , the proof was there waving to the world . I started laughing so hard that I couldn 't pull it together . In my moment of weakness , my son shot and hit me in the tooth . That was it . I fell to the ground unable to move because I was laughing so hard , tears flowing . It took me a good 10 minutes to get myself back in the game . Not once was I able to be " King of the Ring " . I never could get everyone out so that I was the last person standing . I seriously need to brush up on my skills . I have to admit I pwned on loading . I could load and shoot faster than you can say " Bob 's Yer Uncle " . I had to , I was an easy target for everyone , which pretty much sucked . It has been decided that the war must have a second , third and fourth round at least . I have to admit , despite the pain … it was pretty Tags : Children , crazy , Family , Fun , happiness , Humor , Kids , laugh , laughing , Life , Love , mormon , Motherhood , revenge , stupidity , Teenagers , Teens , The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter - Day Saints

There were , once upon a time , a king and queen of Denmark who had an only son , a handsome and clever lad . When he was eighteen , his father , the old king , fell very ill , and there was no hope that he would ever get well again . The queen and the prince were very unhappy , for they loved him dearly ; but though they did all they could , he only grew worse and worse , and , one day , when the summer had come and the birds were singing , he raised his head and , taking a long look out of the window , fell back dead . They travelled all day , only stopping now and then to rest , and already the queen began to be better and to take a little interest in the things she saw . Just as the evening was coming on they entered the forest . Here it was quite dark , for the trees grew so close together that the sun could not shine through them , and very soon they lost the path , and wandered helplessly about wondering what they should do . ' Didn 't I tell you so ? ' cried the prince . ' Stay here a moment and I will go and see if I can get food and shelter for the night . ' And away he ran as fast as he could go , for by this time they were very hungry , as they had brought very little food with them and had eaten up every scrap ! When one takes a long journey on foot one does not like to have too much to carry . The prince entered the house and looked about him , going from one room to the other , but seeing nobody and finding nothing to eat . At last , as he was going sorrowfully away , he caught sight of a sword and shirt of mail hanging on the wall in an inner room , with a piece of paper fastened under them . On the paper was some writing , which said that whoever wore the coat and carried the sword would be safe from all danger . No , no ; I am afraid ! ' cried the queen . ' We shall be attacked and killed ! It is a robbers ' den : I am sure it is ! ' ' You get into bed , mother , ' he said , ' and I 'll lie down by the side . Don 't be alarmed ; you can sleep quite safely till the morning . ' And he lay down with his sword in his hand , and kept watch until the day began to break ; then the queen woke up and said she was quite rested and ready to start again . ' First I 'll go out into the forest and see if I can find our road , ' said the prince . ' And while I 'm gone you light the fire and make some coffee . We must eat a good breakfast before we start . ' After he had gone the queen lit the fire , and then thought she would like to see what was in the other rooms ; so she went from one to another , and presently came to one that was very prettily furnished , with lovely pictures on the walls , and pale blue curtains and soft yellow cushions and comfortable easy chairs . As she was looking at all these things , suddenly a trap - door opened in the floor , and the robber - chief came out of the hole and seized her ankles . The queen almost died of fright , and shrieked loudly , then fell on her knees and begged him to spare her life . ' You need not do that exactly , ' said the robber . ' When he returns , just lie on the bed and say that you have been taken ill , and add that you have dreamed that in a forest , a mile away , there are some beautiful apples . If you could only get some of these you would be well again , but if not you will die . ' The queen shuddered as she listened . She was fond of her son , but she was a terrible coward ; and so in the end she agreed , hoping that something would occur to save the prince . She had hardly given her promise when a step was heard , and the robber hastily hid himself . ' Oh ! but dreams don 't mean anything , ' said the prince . ' There is a magician who lives near here . I 'll go to him and ask for a spell to cure you . ' ' My dreams always mean something , ' said the queen , shaking her head . ' If I don 't get any apples I shall die . ' She did not know why the robber wanted to send the prince to this particular forest , but as a matter of fact it was full of wild animals who would tear to pieces any traveller who entered it . ' Twenty years ! ' exclaimed the prince . ' Then you had better shut your eyes , for when you have been sitting there so long it might hurt you to go too suddenly into the daylight . So you are the Princess of Arabia , whose beauty is famous throughout all the world ! I , too , am a prince . ' ' No , ' replied the prince , ' I cannot do that - I must live and die in my own country . But at the end of a year I will follow you and marry you . ' And that was all he would say . ' I will die before I part from it , ' said the prince . ' And if at the end of a year I am still living , I will come . I believe I have heard that at the other side of this forest there is a port from which ships sail to Arabia . Let us hasten there at once . ' Hand in hand they set off through the forest , and when they came to the port they found a ship lust ready to sail . The princess said good - bye to the prince , and went on board the vessel , and when she reached her own country there were great rejoicings , for her parents had never expected to see her again . She told them how a prince had saved her from the robbers , and was coming in a year 's time to marry her , and they were greatly pleased . ' That is a strange fellow ! If he had gone into the forest the wild beasts must have eaten him unless he has a powerful charm to protect him . If that is so we must get it away from him . ' ' We must think of a way to get it , ' he said . ' When he comes in say you are well again , and have some food ready for him . Then , whilst he is eating , tell him you dreamed that he was attacked by wild beasts , and ask him how he managed to escape from them . After he has told you I can easily find a way to take his charm from him . ' ' How are you , mother ! ' he said gaily . ' Here are your apples . Now you will soon be well again , and ready to come away with me . ' Whilst he was eating she said to him : ' I had a horrible dream while you were away . I saw you in a forest full of wild animals , and they were running round you and growling fiercely . How did you manage to escape from them ? ' The prince 's blood grew cold at these words . Then a thought struck him , and he turned to his mother : ' Is this your doing ? ' he asked sternly . And though she burst into tears and denied it , the prince knew she was not telling the truth . Meanwhile the poor prince was wandering about in the forest , hoping to find someone who would help him , and perhaps take him into service , for now he had no money and no home . It so happened that there had been a great hunt in the forest , and the wild beasts had all fled before the hunters and were hiding , so nothing did him any harm . At last , one day , just when his food was all gone and he had made up his mind that he must surely die of hunger , he came to the port whence the ships sailed for Arabia . One vessel was just ready to start , and the captain was going on board when he saw the prince . ' Why , here is a poor blind fellow ! ' he said . ' No doubt that is the work of the robbers . Let us take him to Arabia with us . Would you like to come , my good man ? ' he asked the prince . Oh , how glad he was to hear someone speak kindly to him again ! And he answered that he would , and the sailors helped him to climb up the side of the ship . When they got to Arabia the captain took him to the public baths , and ordered one of the slaves to wash him . Whilst he was being washed the princess 's ring slipped off his finger and was afterwards found by the slave who cleaned out the bath . The man showed it to a friend of his who lived at the palace . ' At last you have come ! The year is over , and I thought you were dead . Now we will be married immediately . ' And she went home and told the king that he was to send an escort to bring her betrothed to the palace . Naturally the king was rather surprised at the sudden arrival of the prince ; but when he heard that he was blind he was very much annoyed . But the princess had had her own way all her life , and in the end the king gave way as he had always done . The prince was taken to the palace with much ceremony and splendour ; but in spite of this the king was not contented . Still , it could not be helped , and really it was time the princess was married , though she looked as young as ever . There had been hundreds of knights and princes who had begged her to bestow her hand upon them , but she would have nothing to do with anyone ; and now she had taken it into her head to marry this blind prince , and nobody else would she have . ' Yes , indeed , you can see , ' cried the princess . ' To think that my mother 's bed has really given back your sight ! ' and she went to the bank and sat down again ; and by - and - by , as the day was hot , the princess fell asleep . As the prince watched her he suddenly saw something shining on her neck . It was a little golden lamp that gave out a bright light , and it hung from a golden chain . The prince thought he would like to examine it more closely , so he unfastened the chain , but as he did so the lamp fell to the ground . Before he could pick it up a hawk flew in , snatched up the little lamp and flew away again with it . The prince set off in pursuit , and ran on and on without being able to catch the bird , until at length he had lost his way . Trying to find it , he wandered on , up and down , until he came to the forest where he had found the princess . Meantime , the princess woke up , and finding herself alone she set out to look for him . In the end she also lost her way , and as she was walking about , not knowing what to do , the robbers captured her and took her back to the cave from which the prince had rescued her . So there they were after all their trouble - no better off than before ! The prince wandered on , trying to find his way back to Arabia , until he chanced one day to meet twelve youths , walking gaily through the forest , singing and laughing . ' Where are you going ? ' he asked . And they told him they were looking for work . Then he went away , and the young men , left to themselves , had a fine time of it ; for they did no work , and only amused themselves with singing and drinking . Every day they found the table laid with good things to eat and drink , and when they had finished , the plates and dishes were cleared away by invisible hands . Only the prince , who was sad for his lost princess , ate and drank sparingly , and worked hard keeping the house in order . And that was all . Now they might take the sacks of gold and go , and the young men went off in such a hurry that the prince was left behind . Presently , they met an old man who asked for money . When he heard that , the prince knew where she was ; and that was the beginning of her rescue . So he disguised himself to look like a pedlar and travelled on until he reached his own city , where his mother , the queen , and the robber - chief were living . Then he went in to a goldsmith 's shop and ordered a great number of kitchen pots to be made out of pure gold . That was not an order the goldsmith had every day , but the things were ready at last , saucepans and kettles and gridirons all of pure gold . Then the prince put them in his basket and went up to the palace , and asked to see the queen . ' I really don 't know what to say , ' said the queen . ' Wait till my husband comes back - men understand such things better ; and then , as you are a stranger , he would like to chat with you a little . ' The prince bowed , and waited silently in a corner . Now the boy 's favourite toy was a golden ball , and with this he would play from morning till night , without troubling anybody . One day , as he was sitting in the summer - house in the garden , making his ball run all along the walls and catching it again , he noticed an old woman with an earthen pitcher coming to draw water from a well which stood in a corner of the garden . In a moment he had caught his ball and flung it straight at the pitcher , which fell to the ground in a thousand pieces . The old woman started with surprise , but said nothing ; only turned round to fetch another pitcher , and as soon as she had disappeared , the boy hurried out to pick up his ball . Scarcely was he back in the summer - house when he beheld the old woman a second time , approaching the well with the pitcher on her shoulder . She had just taken hold of the handle to lower it into the water , when - crash ! And the pitcher lay in fragments at her feet . Of course she felt very angry , but for fear of the pasha she still held her peace , and spent her last pence in buying a fresh pitcher . But when this also was broken by a blow from the ball , her wrath burst forth , and shaking her fist towards the summer - house where the boy was hiding , she cried : ' Who is the silent princess ? And why should it be a punishment to fall in love with her ? ' he asked himself , and received no answer . However , that did not prevent him from putting the question again and again , till at length he grew so weak and ill that he could eat nothing , and in the end was forced to lie in bed altogether . His father the pasha became so frightened by this strange disease , that he sent for every physician in the kingdom to cure him , but no one was able to find a remedy . Their preparations were soon made , and early one morning the two set out . But neither old man nor young had the slightest idea of where they were going , or what they were undertaking . First they lost their way in a dense forest , and from that they at length emerged in a wilderness where they wandered for six months , not seeing a living creature and finding scarcely anything to eat or drink , till they became nothing but skin and bone , while their garments hung in tatters about them . They had forgotten all about the princess , and their only wish was to find themselves back in the palace again , when , one day , they discovered that they were standing on the shoulder of a mountain . The stones beneath them shone as brightly as diamonds , and both their hearts beat with joy at beholding a tiny old man approaching them . The sight awoke all manner of recollections ; the numb feeling that had taken possession of them fell away as if by magic , and it was with glad voices that they greeted the new - corner . ' Where are we , my friend ? ' asked they ; and the old man told them that this was the mountain where the sultan 's daughter sat , covered by seven veils , and the shining of the stones was only the reflection of her own brilliance . ' Have patience , my son , yet awhile . Another six months must go by before you arrive at the palace where she dwells with the rest of the women . And , even so , think well , when you can , as should you fail to make her speak , you will have to pay forfeit with your life , as others have done . So beware ! ' After three months they found themselves on the top of another mountain , and the prince saw with surprise that its sides were coloured a beautiful red . Perched on some cliffs , not far off , was a small village , and the prince proposed to his friend that they should go and rest there . The villagers , on their part , welcomed them gladly , and gave them food to eat and beds to sleep on , and thankful indeed were the two travellers to repose their weary limbs . ' For three and a half more months you must still pursue your way , ' answered he , ' and by that time you will find yourselves at the gate of the princess 's palace . As for the colour of the mountain , that comes from the soft hue of her cheeks and mouth , which shines through the seven veils which cover her . But none have ever beheld her face , for she sits there , uttering no word , though one hears whispers of many having lost their lives for her sake . ' ' There it is , at last , ' cried the prince ; and fresh blood seemed to spring in his veins . But as he and his companion began to climb towards the top they paused in horror , for the ground was white with dead men 's skulls . It was the prince who first recovered his voice , and he said to his friend , as carelessly as he could : ' Oh ! turn back now , my prince , while there is yet time , ' entreated his companion . ' Your father gave you into my charge ; but when we set out I did not know that certain death lay before us . ' ' Take heart , O Lala , take heart ! ' answered the prince . ' A man can but die once . And , besides , the princess will have to speak some day , you know . ' So they went on again , past skulls and dead men 's bones in all degrees of whiteness . And by - and - by they reached another village , where they determined to rest for a little while , so that their wits might be fresh and bright for the task that lay before them . But this time , though the people were kind and friendly , their faces were gloomy , and every now and then woeful cries would rend the air . ' Oh ! my brother , have I lost you ? ' ' Oh ! my son , shall I see you no more ? ' And then , as the prince and his companion asked the meaning of these laments - which , indeed , was plain enough - the answer was given : ' Ah , you also have come hither to die ! This town belongs to the father of the princess , and when any rash man seeks to move the princess to speech he must first obtain leave of the sultan . If that is granted him he is then led into the presence of the princess . What happens afterwards , perhaps the sight of these bones may help you to guess . ' ' Oh , why cumber yourself with such a useless thing , ' cried the Lala in disgust ; ' have you not enough to occupy your hands and mind , without taking an extra burden ? ' But the prince , who liked having his own way , paid no heed to him , and paying the high price asked by the man , he carried the bird back to the inn , and hung him up in his chamber . That evening , as he was sitting alone , trying to think of something that would make the princess talk , and failing altogether , the nightingale pecked open his cage door , which was lightly fastened by a stick , and , perching on his shoulder , murmured softly in his ear : ' What makes you so sad , my prince ? ' The young man started . In his native country birds did not talk , and , like many people , he was always rather afraid of what he did not understand . But in a moment he felt ashamed of his folly , and explained that he had travelled for more than a year , and over thousands of miles , to win the hand of the sultan 's daughter . And now that he had reached his goal he could think of no plan to force her to speak . ' Oh ! do not trouble your head about that , ' replied the bird , ' it is quite easy ! Go this evening to the women 's apartments , and take me with you , and when you enter the princess 's private chamber hide me under the pedestal which supports the great golden candlestick . The princess herself will be wrapped so thickly in her seven veils that she can see nothing , neither can her face be seen by anyone . Then inquire after her health , but she will remain quite silent ; and next say that you are sorry to have disturbed her , and that you will have a little talk with the pedestal of the candlestick . When you speak I will answer . ' Catching up , unseen , his mantle and the cage as they passed into the dark corridor - for by this time night was coming on - the youth found himself standing in a room bare except for a pile of silken cushions , and one tall golden candlestick . His heart beat high as he looked at the cushions , and knew that , shrouded within the shining veils that covered them , lay the much longed - for princess . Then , fearful that after all other eyes might be watching him , he hastily placed the nightingale under the open pedestal on which the candlestick was resting , and turning again he steadied his voice , and besought the princess to tell him of her well - being . ' Once upon a time , ' began the nightingale , ' there lived a pasha whose daughter was the most beautiful maiden in the whole kingdom . Suitors she had in plenty , but she was not easy to please , and at length there were only three whom she felt she could even think of marrying . Not knowing which of the three she liked best , she took counsel with her father , who summoned the young men into his presence , and then told them that they must each of them learn some trade , and whichever of them proved the cleverest at the end of six months should become the husband of the princess . ' " It will be best that we should each seek our fortunes alone ; so let us put our rings under this stone , and go our separate ways . And the first one who returns hither will take his ring , and the others will take theirs . Thus we shall know whether we have all fulfilled the commands of the pasha , or if some accident has befallen any of us . " ' " No , no , my dear comrades , " cried the third , " your trades are all very well ; but when the pasha hears that I can bring back the dead to life he will know which of us three is to be his son - in - law . But come , there only remain a few hours of the six months he granted us . It is time that we hastened back to the palace . " ' " Stop a moment , " said the second , " it would be well to know what is going on in the palace . " And plucking some small leaves from a tree near by , he muttered some words and made some signs , and laid them on his eyes . In an instant he turned pale , and uttered a cry . ' " Give it to me , " said the first . And he wished himself by the bedside of the princess , which was surrounded by the sultan and his weeping courtiers . Clearly there was not a second to lose , for the princess had grown unconscious , and her face cold . Plunging his finger into the ointment he touched her eyes , mouth and ears with the paste , and with beating heart awaited the result . ' It was swifter than he supposed . As he looked the colour came back into her cheeks , and she smiled up at her father . The sultan , almost speechless with joy at this sudden change , embraced his daughter tenderly , and then turned to the young man to whom he owed her life : ' But if it had not been for the man who could see what was happening at a distance they would never have known that the princess was ill , ' said the nightingale . ' I would give it to him . ' And the strife between them waxed hot , till , suddenly , the listening princess started up from her cushions and cried : At the first sound of the princess 's voice , a slave , who was standing at the door , ran at full speed to tell the sultan of the miracle which bad taken place , and the delighted father hastened to the spot . But by this time the princess perceived that she had fallen into a trap which had been cunningly laid for her , and would not utter another word . All she could be prevailed on to do was to make signs to her father that the man who wished to be her husband must induce her to speak three times . And she smiled to herself beneath her seven veils as she thought of the impossibility of that ! When the sultan told the prince that though he had succeeded once , he would have twice to pass through the same test , the young man 's face clouded over . It did not seem to him fair play , but he dared not object , so he only bowed low , and contrived to step back close to the spot where the nightingale was hidden . As it was now quite dark he tucked unseen the little cage under his cloak , and left the palace . ' Why are you so gloomy ? ' asked the nightingale , as soon as they were safely outside . ' Everything has gone exactly right ! Of course the princess was very angry with herself for having spoken . And did you see that , at her first words , the veils that covered her began to rend ? Take me back to - morrow evening , and place me on the pillar by the lattice . Fear nothing , you have only to trust to me ! ' The next evening , towards sunset , the prince left the cage behind him , and with the bird in the folds of his garment slipped into the palace and made his way straight to the princess 's apartments . He was at once admitted by the slaves who guarded the door , and took care to pass near the window so that the nightingale hopped unseen to the top of a pillar . Then he turned and bowed low to the princess , and asked her several questions ; but , as before , she answered nothing , and , indeed , gave no sign that she heard . After a few minutes the young man bowed again , and crossing over to the window , he said : ' I thank you , ' replied a voice from the pillar , ' I am feeling very well . And it is lucky for me that the princess is silent , or else you would not have wanted to speak to me . To reward you , I will relate to you an interesting tale that I lately overheard , and about which I should like to have your opinion . ' ' Once upon a time , ' said the nightingale , ' there lived a woman who was so beautiful that every man who saw her fell in love with her . But she was very hard to please , and refused to wed any of them , though she managed to keep friends with all . Years passed away in this manner , almost without her noticing them , and one by one the young men grew tired of waiting , and sought wives who may have been less handsome , but were also less proud , and at length only three of her former wooers remained - Baldschi , Jagdschi , and Firedschi . Still she held herself apart , thought herself better and lovelier than other women , when , on a certain evening , her eyes were opened at last to the truth . She was sitting before her mirror , combing her curls , when amongst her raven locks she found a long white hair ! ' At this dreadful sight her heart gave a jump , and then stood still . I am growing old , " she said to herself , " and if I do not choose a husband soon , I shall never get one ! I know that either of those men would gladly marry me to - morrow , but I cannot decide between them . I must invent some way to find out which of them is the best , and lose no time about it . " ' " That will have to do , " she muttered as she pulled out the white hair which had cost her so much trouble . " It is not very good , but I can think of nothing better ; and - well , they are none of them clever , and I dare say they will easily fall into the trap . " Then she called her slave and bade her let Jagdschi know that she would be ready to receive him in an hour 's time . After that she went into the garden and dug a grave under a tree , by which she laid a white shroud . ' " A terrible thing has happened , " said she , her voice choked with sobs . " My father died two nights ago , and I buried him in my garden . But now I find that he was a wizard , and was not dead at all , for his grave is empty and he is wandering about somewhere in the world . " ' Now Jagdschi was proud of the trust reposed in him , and wrapping himself in the shroud , he stretched himself at full length in the grave . After some time Baldschi arrived in his turn , and found the lady groaning and lamenting . She told him that her father had been a wizard , and that in case , as was very likely , he should wish to leave his grave and come to work her evil , Baldschi was to take a stone and be ready to crush in his head , if he showed signs of moving . ' Meanwhile the hour arrived in which Firedsehi was accustomed to pay his respects , and , as in the case of the other two , he discovered the lady overcome with grief . To him she said that a wizard who was an enemy of her father 's had thrown the dead man out of his grave , and had taken his place . " But , " she added , " if you can bring the wizard into my presence , all his power will go from him ; if not , then I am lost . " ' " Ah , lady , what is there that I would not do for you ! " cried Firedschi ; and running down to the grave , he seized the astonished Jagdschi by the waist , and flinging the body over his shoulder , he hastened with him into the house . At the first moment Baidsohi was so surprised at this turn of affairs , for which the lady had not prepared him , that he sat still and did nothing . But by - and - by he sprang up and hurled the stone after the two flying figures , hoping that it might kill them both . Fortunately it touched neither , and soon all three were in the presence of the lady . Then Jagdschi , thinking that he had delivered her from the power of the wizard , slid off the back of Firedschi , and threw the shroud from him . ' ' How can you talk such nonsense ? ' cried the princess - and as she spoke a sound of tearing was heard . ' Why , you have never even thought of Jagdschi , who lay for three hours in the grave , with a stone held over his head ! Of course it was he whom the lady chose for her husband ! ' The following evening the prince entered the palace , and walked boldly up to the princess 's apartments . As he entered the nightingale flew from under his arm and perched himself on top of the door , where he was entirely concealed by the folds of the dark curtain . The young man talked as usual to the princess without obtaining a single word in reply , and at length he left her lying under the heap of shining veils - now rent in many places - and crossed the room towards the door , from which came a voice that gladly answered him . ' Once upon a time , a carpenter , a tailor , and a student set out together to see the world . After wandering about for some months they grew tired of travelling , and resolved to stay and rest in a small town that took their fancy . So they hired a little house , and looked about for work to do , returning at sunset to smoke their pipes and talk over the events of the day . ' One night in the middle of summer it was hotter than usual , and the carpenter found himself unable to sleep . Instead of tossing about on his cushions , making himself more uncomfortable than he was already , the man wisely got up and drank some coffee and lit his long pipe . Suddenly his eye fell on some pieces of wood in a corner and , being very clever with his fingers , he had soon set up a perfect statue of a girl about fourteen years old . This so pleased and quieted him that he grew quite drowsy , and going back to bed fell fast asleep . ' But the carpenter was not the only person who lay awake that night . Thunder was in the air , and the tailor became so restless that he thought he would go downstairs and cool his feet in the little fountain outside the garden door . To reach the door he had to pass through the room where the carpenter had sat and smoked , and against the wall he beheld standing a beautiful girl . He stood speechless for an instant before he ventured to touch her hand , when , to his amazement , he found that she was fashioned out of wood . ' " Ah ! I can make you more beautiful still , " said he . And fetching from a shelf a roll of yellow silk which he had bought that day from a merchant , he cut and draped and stitched , till at length a lovely robe clothed the slender figure . When this was finished , the restlessness had departed from him , and he went back to bed . ' " Oh , thou art fairer than the evening air , clad in the beauty of ten thousand stars , " he murmured to himself . " Surely a form so rare was never meant to live without a soul . " And forthwith he prayed with all his might that life should be breathed into it . ' Idiots that you are ! how could she belong to any one but the student ? If it had not been for him , all that the others did would have gone for nothing ! Of course it was he who married the maiden ! ' And as she spoke the seven veils fell from her , and she stood up , the fairest princess that the world has ever seen . The prince had mercy . He ordered the wicked king to be stripped of his fine clothes , and to be driven into the forest , where the wild beasts tore him to pieces . The queen he sent to her own country . Then he set off for the cave where the princess was sitting chained as before , and with the help of the magic sword he rescued her again without any difficulty . They soon reached the port and set sail for Arabia , where they were married ; and till they died , a long while after , they reigned happily over both countries .

I don 't know why I had to take the damn music box . It was pretty , sure , beautifully made . It wasn 't like I could have wound it up to hear the sound it made , because I was in the middle of robbing a house , so it definitely wasn 't the tune it played . It looked old , possibly valuable though how would I know ? But something … something possessed me to take it when I found it in the child 's room . I had a job , cleaning houses , and I was studying , but most of the money went for rent , utilities and university ( books , fees , etc ) . At the end of the month I was left with a dollar or two if I was lucky . So I lived from paycheck to paycheck , and though it wasn 't the best way to live , I was getting by . But I was tired . I was tired of always calculating in my head . I was tired of browsing several shops for discounted groceries and food that tasted like cardboard , but I bought it because it was cheap and it didn 't kill me , so how bad could it be ? I was tired of skipping meals at times , because I had bought a monthly ticket for public transportation , since it was so cold that my hair froze when I was walking to uni . I was tired of having to do laundry in the middle of the night , because that 's when electricity and water were the cheapest . I was tired of turning my heater off and sleeping with five layers of clothing , because I had to pay the next semester 's fees . You get the gist , I was simply exhausted of always having to choose between things most people took for granted . So , when I was cleaning the Fischer 's house and happened to find an envelope filled with several 100 $ bills taped to the backside of a family picture hanging on the wall , I knew that I would take it . Do I feel ashamed ? I do now , but back then all I could think about was how I could finally turn on the heater again , so I wouldn 't have to freeze in my own home . Had you asked me before if I would ever steal , I would have been appalled . But we all think we are better than we really are . I know that now . I didn 't take it that day of course . That would have been stupid . The company I cleaned for rotated the cleaners : you cleaned a different house every time . They kept a record of who was cleaning which house though , there was a virtual schedule sent to everyone and I knew that the HR guy kept an excel list , as I had seen it . So had I taken the money then , there would have been no other suspect than me . No , I knew I had to be patient and I would find an opportunity . I did fear that someone else would find the money before I did , though I didn 't think it was too likely , as most of the cleaners only dusted the pictures , but never took them off the wall . Neither did I , to be honest . I had just discovered it by accident . I had finished with the living room and was going to move to the bedrooms upstairs , when I noticed that the picture had fallen down . The glass didn 't break and I hadn 't heard it fall , though the second part was not surprising since I was listening to music on my mp3 player ( yes I still had one of those ) . Empty houses could be creepy , so I preferred to have music blast into my ears . Also cleaning was easier that way . Anyway , the picture was on the floor , face up which I now realize was also weird , though it didn 't strike me as odd back then . I picked it up and felt something in the back . Curiosity got the best of me and I checked what it was , and found the cash . I put the picture back where it belonged and continued cleaning . When you clean someone 's place you learn a lot about the person . You learn more than what they tell even their closest friends , trust me . I 'd never let anyone else clean my apartment . The Fischer 's were no exception . I knew that the husband and wife slept in separate beds , because I had to make them . I knew they had two daughters , one liked chaos and the other was very tidy . I never had to do much in her room . And I knew from their mail that they would go on vacation soon , for a week . The tickets to some kind of big fair had arrived in the mail . I was not on to clean their house that week , which I took as a sign of the universe that I was supposed to be doing this . It was not that hard in the end . We had several copies of the keys , in case they got locked in or lost ( first one happened a lot actually , people leaving the key inside ) . It was easy to take them . I know that they got checked regularly , but always at the end of the week , at which point they would be back where they belonged . And two days after the start of the exhibition , on a Wednesday night , I put my plan into action . The house felt even emptier at night . I listened intently when I entered through the backdoor , but there was nobody there . I tiptoed to the family picture , the four of them beaming at the photographer , reached behind it without taking it off and grabbed the envelope . My heart was beating like crazy . I was sure someone was going to grab my hand any minute and ask me what I was doing . I checked the cash in the envelope ; ten $ 100 bills . I was holding a thousand dollars in my hand . It was almost over . I started to walk towards the door , when I thought I heard something from the tidy girl 's room . I stopped dead in my tracks , holding my breath . There it was again , rustling . I don 't know how long I stood there frozen , but eventually I forced myself to move . I crept towards the room , her door was open and I could see the moonlight coming through the door . Who was in there ? I was right next to the door , and I heard the rustling clearer than before . I knew I had to look , but I didn 't want to . I was convinced something was waiting in there for me , not someone because a person would have shown themselves by now . Finally I decided to just get it over with and stepped forward to look into the room . Nothing . There was nobody there . The window was slightly open , it was one of those that could be tilted from the top . The family had simply forgotten to close the window and the breeze coming through was probably causing that rustling sound . I almost laughed out loud at my own stupidity . I turned to leave and that 's when I saw a little flash of gold . I turned back and saw the music box . It was one of those old - fashioned ones that are egg - shaped . It was sitting on the little desk and I didn 't remember ever seeing it in the girl 's room before . I walked into the room , and without even really knowing what I was doing I grabbed the music box and stuffed it into my pocket . I took a long hot shower at home , not caring about how much it would cost . The music box was forgotten . I turned on the heater and made myself a nice cup of tea , then looked again at the envelope . I don 't remember much else from that evening , only that I slept well for the first time in a long time . They never caught me . I spent the next few days in anxious anticipation . Every time I went to work I expected the police to wait for me , but they never did . I was even assigned to clean the Fischer house the week after and I was so worried , but nothing happened . The house was empty as usual . The evening after cleaning the Fischer house was when I remembered the music box . I didn 't recall taking it out of my pocket , but I did , as it was sitting on my nightstand . I still didn 't know why I stole it , though I did admit that it looked beautiful . It was about as big as the circle I could make with my hands . It was made from jade , or another green gemstone like that . There was a golden circle on top and another one around where the opening was . It had four legs , and they were golden too . I wasn 't sure but it looked like real gold . There was no key to wind it up , so I assumed that it was one of those that would play music when you opened it . I wondered what sound it would make . I opened the music box delicately , anticipating the music . There was none . The little dancer was turning , so at least part of the mechanism worked , but there was no sound . I was strangely disappointed , though it didn 't last long . The insides of the music box were painted over , so it looked like the ballerina was dancing on a theater stage . The insides of the top half were the stage and the curtains , and the lower half looked like there was an audience in front of the dancer . At first , I thought that the years had chipped away the face or washed away the paint that used to be the face . But when I looked closer I could see that where the face should have been , the smooth stone was caving inwards . It looked like it had been purposefully designed to not have a face . I shivered despite the heater running . Who would make a music box with a dancer that didn 't have a face ? And why would a little girl want to keep it ? I worked during the day and had classes until ten . So by the time I came home I was ready to go to bed . The heater was running , making my tiny studio flat warm and cozy . I decided to make a cup of tea before bed . After I put on the kettle I sat down on my reading chair - I didn 't have a sofa , so apart from my bed this was the only seating - and grabbed the novel I had been reading since last year . Just after I read the first sentence I heard a high sound and I thought it was the teakettle , but I was wrong . I frowned , and then I heard it again . There was a succession of high notes , it sounded really strange and it took me a couple of seconds to recognize that it was coming from the music box . The hair stood up on my arms and neck . I was sure I had closed it the night before and yet here it was open and playing a strange melody . The high notes were shrill , but I could hear some really low notes in the background . It was slow too ; the sound was dragging as if something was wrong with the mechanism so it was slowing it down . But the dancer was moving at normal speed , the same as yesterday . I froze and I watched her turn around and around , every time her no - face disappeared in a turn I was sure that when she turned back to the front she would have pitch - black eyes and a huge mouth full of teeth . But there was no face at all . The whistle of the teakettle brought me back to reality and I could move again . The music , if you can call it that , had stopped and the dancer was facing me , not moving anymore . And though it didn 't have eyes , I could tell it was staring at me . Before I got the teakettle , I closed the music box and put it in the drawer of my nightstand . I was shaking even though the flat was warm , and I was sure I would not be able to sleep . But after drinking some tea , I felt much better . " I probably just left it open and forgot . Maybe the heat got it working again . " I theorized and even managed to laugh at my own stupid fear . It was just a toy after all . A toy couldn 't be dangerous . Though I kept waking up at night expecting something to happen , nothing did . The music box was still in the drawer the next morning and I was even more convinced that nothing supernatural was going on . Like any protagonist in a horror movie I chose to go with the rational explanation . I even went as far as to think that it was maybe my own guilt , because I stole something I really didn 't need . I didn 't have work that day only classes in the evening , so I decided to go to the library and work on a paper that was due . Instead of writing the paper I spent the whole morning researching haunted music boxes , but I found nothing relevant for me . Sure , there were quite some accounts of music boxes playing on their own , but there was no other music box that had a dancer with no face . I also looked for reasons why a music box could start playing on their own suddenly and there were some satisfying explanations . By the time my classes had started I was convinced that I had just overreacted . I went for a drink after classes to the surprise of my friends . I told them that I had won some money in a lottery game , not much just a little , but enough to afford some drinks ( the lottery was my cover story in case people would ask me how I got the money ) . Thinking about it now , I was probably afraid to go home . The rational part in me might have been louder , but the other part , the one that believed that something strange was going on was still pulling the strings and I did not want to be alone with the music box for too long . Eventually I had to go home . Fortunately I was tipsy and I fell into bed without even taking off my clothes , but not before I had turned on the heater , or so I thought . I was about to get up and turn on the heater , when I saw it ; the music box . It was sitting on the table next to the reading chair . It was dark in my apartment , but since I didn 't have blinds only curtains on my window , it was not too dark to see that the music box was open - but the dancer was missing . A cold hand grabbed my heart , so that now I was freezing on the inside as well . Where was the dancer ? Did I drunkenly do this ? Did I break it and forget about it ? As if it had waited for me to notice that a crucial thing was missing , the music box started to play the weird high notes again , followed by the lower ones , slow and dragging every note . I started shaking . Where was the dancer ? What had happened to it ? It was moving though , and it was definitely moving closer . I could see flashes of the green dress and golden flecks , though both colors looked greyish , dirtier . The music was playing still , the melody repeating itself , and it was the only sound in the flat . For the thing approaching was silent . I tried to run for it , but I couldn 't move , I was glued to the bed . Tears were turning to little icy pearls on my cheeks . For every couple of notes played the thing would come closer , it was twirling and what should have looked ridiculous looked terrifying . I still could not see the face and I didn 't know what was worse , to see whatever its real face was or to see that it really had none . I was shaking all over , even on the inside . I opened my mouth to scream , but there was no sound , as if the melody from the music box was sucking all other sound in to produce its own . My mobile rang and I blinked and suddenly the thing was gone . The flat was empty and warm . The only proof that I wasn 't mad was that the music box was still sitting on the living room table . It was closed now and not in a million years would I have tried to open it to see if the dancer was still there . I checked my mobile and it was one of my friends calling . They had stayed out longer than I had . As I walked over to the now silent music box , I picked up the phone . All I could hear was thumping , and some distorted electronic music . I laughed tears streaming down my face . Normally I would have been so mad at her for waking me up , but I couldn 't have been more grateful tonight . I grabbed a cloth and put it around the music box , as I didn 't want to touch it , and I left it on the other side of my apartment door . I did want to throw it out of the window , but I was scared that it would break and that I would set whatever lived in there free by breaking it . And since I didn 't want it in my flat , I felt safer with it outside my door , in the hallway . Maybe someone would steal it , I hoped . Lisa was saying something though I couldn 't hear . I asked her to come over , and even though she was drunk she heard the fear in my voice , and fifteen minutes after she was standing in my flat . I didn 't tell her then what happened . I told her I was going to tell her in the morning , and that she would only forget it if I told her now . She agreed . The real reason I didn 't want to tell her is that I was scared I was going to make it more real , that I was going to invite that thing back . Could it have been a bad dream ? Had I just been drunker than I thought I was ? I didn 't think so . I wasn 't prone to hallucinating , even when drunk . I thought the best would be to return the music box to its owner , before it drove me insane . So when I left for work , I put it in my bag ( wrapped in the cloth and a bag that I sealed with duct tape - better safe than sorry ) . I wasn 't due to clean the Fischer house today , but I was determined to swap with someone who was due to clean it this week . They wanted someone to come on Wednesday , so I only had to wait one more day anyway . After cleaning I stopped by the office , the music box heavy in my bag . I asked my boss , if I could swap my Thursday for Wednesday ( because you couldn 't request to clean a specific house ) as I had a paper due on Friday and she was sympathetic . When she opened the excel file however , her face darkened . " You see , the only house we have on for Wednesday 's usually is the Fischer 's house . " She stopped and looked at me expectantly . I felt my face flush . Did they find out about the money ? Then why wasn 't she firing me ? When she didn 't get the reaction she wanted , she sighed heavily . I was getting ready to be fired , feverishly thinking of excuses . " You didn 't know … " She gestured for me to sit down , and I did , as I wasn 't sure I could keep standing . " Three years ago , their youngest daughter vanished ; one minute she was playing in her room the other she was gone . The window was open , but apparently that wasn 't unusual . They believe someone took her . It was all over the papers , honey , how did you miss it ? " I was shaking my head slowly , though I did vaguely recall a missing children 's case a few years ago . TV stations picking it up , the parents being suspected , it was slowly coming back to me . " That 's why her room is always tidy … " I whispered finally understanding . They kept her room for when she would return . Nobody lived in there , so why would there be anything much to clean ? My boss bent over her desk to tap my hand . " I am sorry , dear , I thought you knew . " " No , there was never as much as a trace . The parents were suspects in the beginning , and I am sure some still believe they killed the girl , but they were cleared . The scariest thing was that she seemed to have dissolved into thin air . The mother claimed that she had seen the girl play in her room as she was carrying the dry laundry to their bedroom . And when she got back a few minutes after the girl was gone . That was also one of the reasons why people suspected the parents , there was something off about their story how she disappeared . Poor family , it must be so hard to lose your child and be treated like you are responsible . " I went to the bathroom because I needed a few minutes to collect myself and to decide what I was going to do . The little girl had disappeared from her room . I had found a mysterious music box that was clearly haunted in her room . Whatever was in that box had taken her , I was sure of it . Maybe if I gave it back it would leave me alone ? I decided that I would go to the Fischer 's house and return the music box . I would tell the family that I had taken it while cleaning . If they complained and I got fired , I would accept it , because I did deserve to get fired . I wasn 't going to say anything about the money though , because I would have to return it otherwise . Leaving the office I went to the Fischer 's house immediately . There was no point in losing time . I knocked on the front door , and waited , and waited . I rang the bell a couple of times , and finally the mother opened the door . She only vaguely resembled the woman on the family picture where the envelope full of cash had been hidden behind . It looked like with her daughter something had also taken all color from her ; like when you try to make your picture artistic and you remove most of the saturation from it - that 's what she looked like . She stepped aside and let me enter . I closed the door behind me . Even though she was at home the house still seemed terribly empty . Or maybe I was just projecting now that I knew what had happened here . I didn 't take off my coat and she didn 't offer me to sit down . She just stood there in the hallway , hugging herself . I opened my bag and searched for the music box . At first I couldn 't find it and I started to panic , but it had just slipped into one of the side pockets . So I took it out , removed the bag and the cloth and showed it to her . Mrs Fischer 's eyes grew wide . " Where did you get this ? " She asked and looked at me . " I am so sorry , Mrs . Fischer , I took it from your daughter 's room . I don 't even know why , I just did . You can tell the company if you want . I am so sorry , I just want to give it back . " " Maybe you should sit down . " She said and disappeared into the kitchen . I put the music box on the living room table and sat down , still in my coat . I heard her setting up tea , but I was contemplating just leaving anyway , as she emerged again with a tray and two cups . She set it on the table next to the music box and sat down on one of the chairs opposite me . " It was Marion 's , my daughter 's . " She said but she wasn 't looking at me or the music box . " She just showed up with it one day and wouldn 't tell me where she got it from . She said she found it , which I thought meant she had stolen it . None of the neighbors was missing it though , nor was anyone at school , so I let her have it . No harm in that . " She said and a sad smile crossed her face . " She loved it , really loved it , even though it didn 't work anymore . You know it doesn 't play music . " She glanced at it the first time since sitting down . " Then the nightmares started . She was scared of the dancer because it had no face . I took it from her , you know . I hid it at first , but she would always find it . Then I threw it away , or I tried , but she would go through the bags and get it again . Of course she told me that it wasn 't her , that it just appeared in her room . A child 's imagination can be very persuasive . " She said and looked directly into my eyes . " You know what is strange " she asked , but she didn 't wait for me to answer . " The day Marion disappeared ; I passed her room and saw her playing with her dolls . I also saw that the music box was open . But the dancer was not there . I noticed this and thought that maybe Marion had broken it because she was scared . " " On my way back from the bedroom I heard strange music coming from her room . I looked and Marion was gone . But the music box was open and the tiny dancer with no face was making her turns to this eerie music , too slow as if it was somehow still not working properly . " She stopped talking and started staring at the music box . The hairs on my arms stood up . I was sure it would spring open and I was close to throwing my hands over it , so it couldn 't . Now she looked at me , smiling again . This time the smile wasn 't sad . Her eyes had a feverish look and the smile stretched her lips , making her mouth seem too wide . She reached over , and the tea kettle started to whistle . The smile was gone now , replaced by the same expressionless mask she had worn before . " Excuse me . " She said and walked over to the kitchen . I did not wait for her to return , I bolted out of there . I ran and ran until my lungs were burning and the cold air was hurting my throat . I was sweating but I was shivering too . I found a bus stop and took a bus that would get me home . Even though there were plenty of people on the bus and it was warm I was still shivering . I was going to get sick I thought . I arrived home , still shaken but relieved that I had returned the music box , and that I wasn 't going to suffer the same fate as the little girl . I turned on the heater , just threw my clothes on the floor and went for a nice warm shower . I stayed in there long enough for my flat to warm up . I felt much better , almost a bit upbeat . I decided to skip classes today and just stay in and read . I deserved a quiet evening . I left the bathroom , toweling my hair , and that 's when I saw it . The music box was sitting on the table in front of my reading chair . I had definitely not brought it back . I remember Mrs . Fischer 's words : " Of course she told me that it wasn 't her , that it just appeared in her room . " There was no point in running . I dropped the towel and turned around , as if it would help if I didn 't look . I could hear it opening though and I knew if I turned back I would not see the tiny dancer with no face . The room turned cold and darker . I closed my eyes as the music started to play . Read This

Having assumed her rightful place as the Trylle Queen , Wendy Everly must save everyone she loves - and the kingdom she 's fought so hard for - from her cruel Vittra rivals . Oren 's immortality renders him nearly impossible to defeat , and if he can 't have Wendy 's power for his own , he 's determined to destroy her and her friends … including Finn and Loki . As Wendy faces her toughest enemy yet , she 's also forced to make the ultimate choice - who to love for the rest of her life . Everything has been leading up to this moment , and now it 's all coming to a finish . Don 't miss the final chapter in the Trylle trilogy , an epic finale that will leave you breathless ! I had my back to the room as I stared out the window . It was a trick I 'd learned from my mother to make me seem more in control . Elora had given me lots of tips the past few months , but the ones about commanding a meeting were the most useful . " I 'm not . " I turned back , giving him a cool gaze , and he lowered his eyes and balled up his handkerchief in his hand . " But we can 't ignore the problems any longer . " I surveyed the meeting room , doing my best to seem as cold and imposing as Elora always had . I didn 't plan to be a cruel ruler , but they wouldn 't listen to weakness . If I wanted to make a change here , I had to be firm . My assistant Joss sat at the back of the room , furiously scribbling down notes as we talked . She was a small human girl who grew up in Förening as a mänsklig and worked as Elora 's secretary . Since I 'd been running the palace , I 'd inherited Joss as my own assistant . Duncan , my bodyguard , was stationed by the door , where he stood during all the meetings . He followed me everywhere , like a shadow , and though he was clumsy and small , he was smarter than people gave him credit for . I 'd grown to respect and appreciate his presence the last few months , even if he couldn 't completely take the place of my last guard , Finn Holmes . Aurora Kroner sat at the head of the table , and next to her was Tove , my fiancé . He was usually the only one on my side , and I was grateful to have him here . I didn 't know how I would manage ruling if I felt completely alone . A few other high - ranking officials sat around the table , all of their expressions solemn . The situation for the Trylle was growing increasingly dire , and I was proposing change . They didn 't want me to change anything - they wanted me to support the system they 'd had for centuries , but that system wasn 't working anymore . Our society was crumbling , and they refused to see the roles they played in its breakdown . " I 'm not asking to redistribute the wealth or calling to abolish the monarchy , " I said . " I am simply saying that the trackers are out there risking their lives to save us , to protect our changelings , and they deserve a real house to come back to . We should be setting aside money now so that when this is over , we can begin building them real homes . " " We can 't pay the Vittra off , " Tove interjected . " This isn 't about money . This is about power . We all know what they want , and a few thousand - or even a few million - dollars won 't matter to them . The Vittra King will refuse it . " " I will do everything in my power to keep Förening safe , but you are all correct , " I said . " We have yet to find a reasonable solution for the Vittra . That means this might very well turn into a bloody fight , and if it does , we need to support our troops . They deserve the best care , including adequate housing and access to our healers if they 're injured in wartime . " " Why is that ridiculous ? " I asked , working to keep the ice from my voice . " They are expected to die for us , but we aren 't willing to heal their wounds ? We cannot ask more of them than we are willing to give ourselves . " " They are lower than us , " Laris said , as if I didn 't understand the concept . " We are in charge for a reason . Why on earth should we treat them as equals when they are not ? " " Because it 's basic decency , " I argued . " We may not be human , but that doesn 't mean we have to be devoid of humanity . This is why our people are leaving our cities and preferring to live among the humans , letting their powers die . We must offer them some bit of happiness , otherwise why would they stay ? " Laris muttered something under her breath , keeping her steely eyes locked on the oak table . Her black hair was slicked back , pulled in a bun so tight her face looked strained . This was probably done on purpose to draw attention to her strength . Duncan opened the door , and Willa poked her head in , smiling uncertainly . Since she was a Marksinna , Garrett 's daughter , and my best friend , she had every right to be here . I 'd extended an invitation for her to attend these meetings , but she always declined , saying she was afraid she would do more harm than good . She had a hard time being polite when she disagreed with people . " Sorry , " Willa said , and Duncan stepped aside so she could come in . " I didn 't mean to interrupt . It 's just that it 's after five , and I was supposed to get the Princess at three for her birthday celebration . " " Ah , yes . " The Chancellor smiled at me with a disturbing hunger in his eyes . " I 'd forgotten that you 'll be eighteen tomorrow . " He licked his lips , and Tove stood up , purposely blocking the Chancellor 's view of me . " You 're going back to work next week ? " Laris looked appalled . " So soon after your wedding ? Aren 't you and the Princess taking a honeymoon ? " While that was true enough , that wasn 't the only reason I 'd skipped out on a honeymoon . As much as I 'd grown to like Tove , I couldn 't imagine what the two of us would do on one . I hadn 't even let myself think about how we would spend our wedding night . " We need to go over the changeling contracts , " Markis Bain said , standing up in a hurry . " Since the trackers are bringing the changelings back early , and some families decline to do changelings anymore , the placements have all been moved around . I need you to sign off on them . " " Enough talk of business . " Willa looped her arm through mine , preparing to lead me out of the room . " The Princess will be back to work on Monday , and she can sign anything you want then . " " Princess ? " Joss said , scampering behind me with papers spilling out of her binder . " Princess , do you want me to arrange a meeting on Monday with Markis Bain for the contracts ? " " You have a meeting at ten a . m . with the Markis of Oslinna . " Joss flipped through the appointment section of the binder , and a paper flew out . Duncan snatched it before it fell to the floor and handed it to her . " Thank you . Sorry . So , Princess , do you want to meet Markis Bain before or after that meeting ? " " She 'll be going back to work just after getting married , " Willa said . " Of course she won 't be there first thing in the morning . Make it for the afternoon . " I glanced over at Tove walking next to me , but his expression was blank . Since proposing to me , he 'd actually spoken very little of getting married . His mother and Willa had done most of the planning , so I hadn 't even talked to him about what he thought of colors or flower arrangements . Everything had been decided for us , so we had little to discuss . " Now she 's off until Monday , " Willa told Joss over her shoulder . " That means five whole days where nobody calls her , talks to her , or meets with her . Remember that , Joss . If anybody asks for the Princess , she cannot be reached . " " Well , wait until you see what we have planned for you tonight . " Duncan grinned . " You 'll be having too much fun to worry about Laris or anybody else . " Fortunately , since I was getting married in a few days , I 'd gotten out of the usual ball that would happen for a Princess 's birthday . Elora and Aurora had planned that the wedding would take place immediately after I turned eighteen . My birthday was on a Wednesday , and I was getting married on Saturday , leaving no time for a massive Trylle birthday party . Willa insisted on throwing me a small party anyway , even though I didn 't really want one . Considering everything that was happening in Förening , it felt like sacrilege . The Vittra had set up a peace treaty with us , agreeing not to attack us until I became Queen . What we hadn 't realized at the time was the specific language they had used . They wouldn 't attack us , meaning the Trylle living in Förening . Everyone else was fair game . The Vittra had started going after our changelings , the ones that were still left with their host families in human society . They 'd taken a few before we caught on , but as soon as we did , we sent all our best trackers to bring home any changeling over the age of sixteen , including most of the trackers serving as palace bodyguards . For anyone younger than that , our trackers were supposed to stand guard and watch them . We knew the Vittra would avoid taking them because they couldn 't do so without setting off an Amber Alert . Still , we felt that every precaution must be taken to protect the most vulnerable among us . That left us at a horrible disadvantage . To protect the changelings , our trackers had to be in the field , so they couldn 't be here guarding the palace . We would be more exposed to an attack if the Vittra went back on their part of the deal , but I didn 't see what choice we had . We couldn 't let them kidnap and hurt our children , so I sent every tracker I could out into the field . Finn had been gone almost continuously for months . He was the best tracker we had , and he 'd been returning the changelings to all the Trylle communities . I hadn 't seen him since before Christmas , and sometimes I still missed him , but the longing was fading . A figure stood before us , bracing himself with his hands on either side of the doorway . He was slumped forward , his head hanging down , and snow covered his black sweater . His clothes were ragged , worn , and shredded in most places . He smiled crookedly , but his smile didn 't have its usual bravado . His caramel eyes looked tired and pained , and he had a fading bruise on his cheek . Despite all that , he was still just as gorgeous as I remembered him , and my breath caught in my throat . " I apologize for the intrusion , Princess , " he said , his smile already fading . " And as much as I 'd like to say that I 'm here for pleasure , I . . . " He swallowed something back , and his hands gripped tighter on the door frame . " I . . . " Loki started to speak , but his knees gave out . He pitched forward , and I rushed to catch him . He fell into my arms , and I lowered him to the floor . " Wendy . " He smiled up at me , but the smile was weak . " If I 'd known that this is what it would take to get you to hold me , I would 've collapsed a long time ago . " " What is going on , Loki ? " I asked gently . If he hadn 't been so obviously distressed , I would 've swatted him for that comment , but he grimaced in pain when I touched his face . " Amnesty , " he said thickly , and his eyes closed . " I need amnesty , Princess . " His head tilted to the side , and his body relaxed . He 'd passed out . Tove and Duncan had carried Loki up to the servants ' quarters on the second floor . Willa went back to help Matt so he wouldn 't worry , and I sent Duncan to get Thomas because I had no idea what we should do with Loki . He was unconscious , so I couldn 't ask him what had happened . " I don 't know . " I shook my head . " It depends on what he says . " I glanced over at Tove . " Why ? Do you think I should ? " " You don 't want me to get my mother ? " Tove asked . His mother was a healer , meaning she could put her hands on someone and heal almost any wound that person might have . " No . She would never heal a Vittra . Besides , I don 't want anyone to know that Loki is here . Not yet , " I said . " I need an actual doctor . There is a mänks doctor in town , isn 't there ? " " Yeah . " He nodded . " I 'll get him . " He turned to leave but paused at the door . " You 'll be okay with the Vittra Markis ? " Tove nodded , then left me alone with Loki . I took a deep breath and tried to figure out what to do . Loki lay on his back , his light hair cascading across his forehead . Somehow he was even more attractive asleep than he was awake . I sat down on the edge of the bed next to him and touched a hole in his shirt . The skin underneath was discolored and swollen . Tentatively , I lifted his shirt , and when Loki didn 't wake , I pushed it up more . I felt strange and almost perverse undressing him , but I wanted to check and make sure there weren 't any life - threatening contusions . If he was seriously injured or appeared to have any broken bones , I would summon Aurora and make her heal him , whether she wanted to or not . I wouldn 't let Loki die because she was prejudiced . After I pulled his shirt over his head , I got my first good look at him , and my breath caught in my throat . Under ordinary circumstances , I was sure his physique would be stunning , but that wasn 't what shocked me . His torso was covered with bruises , and his sides had long , thin scars on them . Tears stung my eyes , and I put my hand to my mouth . I 'd never seen Loki shirtless before , but I knew there had never been scars on his forearms . Most of this had happened since I 'd seen him last . Worse still , Loki had Vittra blood . Physically , he was incredibly strong , which was how he 'd pounded at the door so hard it shook the front hall . That also meant he healed better than most . For him to look this terrible , somebody really had to have beaten the hell out of him , over and over again , so he wouldn 't have time to heal . " You just couldn 't wait to get me naked , could you , Princess ? " Loki asked tiredly . I started to pull my hand back , but he put his own hand over it , keeping it in place . " I 'm sure . " He moved his thumb , almost caressing my hand , until it hit my ring . " What 's that ? " He tried to sit up to see it , so I lifted my hand , showing him the emerald - encrusted oval on my finger . " Is that a wedding ring ? " Of course I remembered . Loki had snuck in over the wall and asked me to run away with him . I had declined , but he 'd stolen a kiss before he left , a rather nice kiss . My cheeks reddened slightly at the memory , and that made Loki smile wider . " That doesn 't , " Loki said , referring to the kiss . " I meant when I told you that the King hates me . He really does , Wendy . " His eyes went dark for a minute . " Wendy , please . " He closed his eyes . " I 'm exhausted . I barely made it here . Can we have this conversation when I 'm feeling a bit better ? Say , in a month or two ? " In the hall , I wrapped my arms around myself . I couldn 't shake the heavy feeling of guilt , as if I somehow shared responsibility for what had happened to Loki . I 'd only spoken to Oren once , and I had no control over what he did . So why did I feel like it was my fault that Loki had been so brutally beaten ? I wasn 't in the hall for long when Duncan and Thomas approached . I 'd wanted to alert as few people as possible to Loki 's presence , but I trusted Thomas . Not just because he was the head guard and Finn 's father . He 'd once had an illicit affair with Elora , so I thought he was good at keeping secrets . " I 'm not sure yet , " I said . " He hasn 't been able to talk much . But I 'm letting him stay here for now , at least until he heals and we can have a conversation . " The last time Loki had been here , he 'd been held captive . We didn 't have a real prison , so Elora had used her telekinesis to hold him in place , but that had weakened her so much it nearly killed her . In fact , she hadn 't recovered from it yet , and there would be no way she could do it again . Besides that , I didn 't think Loki was really capable of causing trouble . Not in his present state , at least . And he 'd come to us of his own free will . We didn 't need to hold him . " Good , " I said . " Make sure they know they cannot tell anybody about this . This all needs to stay quiet until I figure out what I 'm going to do . Is that clear ? " Tove arrived shortly after that with the mänks doctor . I waited outside the room while he examined Loki . He woke up for it , but offered very little explanation for his injuries . When the doctor was done , he concluded that Loki didn 't have any serious ailments , and he gave him medication for pain . " Come on , " Tove said , after the doctor had gone . " He 's resting now . There 's nothing more you can do . Why don 't you go enjoy your party ? " I hadn 't felt like having a party before Loki crashed the palace , and I felt even less like having one now . But I had to at least try to have fun so I wouldn 't hurt Willa 's or Matt 's feelings . I knew they had gone to a lot of trouble , so I would play the part of the happy birthday girl for them . " Why are you so worried about him anyway ? " Duncan asked . " I know that you two are friends or something , but I don 't understand . He 's a Vittra , and he kidnapped you once . " Duncan directed me to the upstairs living room . It had been Rhys 's playroom when he was little , and they 'd converted it into a place to hang out when he became a teenager . But the ceilings still had murals of clouds and childish things , and the walls were lined with short white shelves that still held a few of his old toys . " Of course I know , " Matt said , his voice a little high from inhaling helium . He had a deflated balloon in his hands , and he tossed it aside to walk over to me . " I was there when you were born , remember ? " He 'd been smiling , but it faltered when he realized what he 'd said . Rhys and I had been switched at birth . Matt had actually been there for Rhys 's birth , not mine . I knew that I 'd grown up some . Even physically I 'd changed . I wore my hair down more now because I 'd finally managed to tame my curls after a lifetime of struggling with them . Since I was running a kingdom now , I had to play the part and wear dark - colored gowns all the time . I had to look like a Princess . Matt wasn 't even supposed to live in the palace , and since Rhys and Rhiannon were mänks , they would never be allowed to attend a ball . Duncan would be let in , but he 'd have to work . He wouldn 't be able to laugh and goof around like he did now . " Wendy , why don 't you help me cut the cake ? " Willa suggested while Tove attempted to act out some kind of clue for charades . Duncan had guessed everything under the sun , but judging by Tove 's comically frustrated response , he wasn 't even close . I 'd been sitting on the couch , laughing at everyone 's failed attempts , but I got up and went over to the table where Willa stood . A cake sat on a brightly colored tablecloth , next to a small pile of gifts . Both Rhys and I had specifically asked for no gifts , but here they were . Matt might be a very good cook , but I wasn 't sure . I dislike most foods , especially processed ones , but Matt had been trying hard to feed me for years , so I pretended to like a lot of things I didn 't like . My annual chiffon birthday cake was one of them . " I wanted to let you know that I didn 't tell Matt about Loki . " Willa lowered her voice as she carefully put pieces of cake on small paper plates . " He would just worry . " " You think Loki will be around for a while ? " Willa asked . She 'd gotten some frosting on her finger , and she licked it off , then grimaced . My dreams were filled with bad winter storms . Snow blowing so hard I couldn 't see anything . Wind so cold I froze to the bone . But I had to keep going . I had to get through the storms . Duncan woke me up a little after nine the next morning . Usually I got up at six or seven to get ready for the day , depending on what time my first meetings were . Since it was my birthday , I 'd slept in a bit , and it felt nice but strange . He wouldn 't have woken me at all , except Elora had requested to eat breakfast with me today since it was my birthday . I didn 't mind being woken up , though . Sleeping in that late made me feel surprisingly lazy . I didn 't even really know what I would do with the day . It 'd been so long since I 'd had a full day that was free of plans . Either I was working on things for the kingdom , helping Aurora with the wedding plans , or spending time with Willa and Matt . I met Elora in her bedroom for breakfast , which was usually where I saw her . She 'd been in decline for a while , but even before Christmas she 'd been on bed rest . Aurora had tried healing her a few times , but she was only staving off the inevitable . On my way to Elora 's chambers in the south wing , I walked past the room Loki was staying in . His bedroom door was closed , and Thomas stood guard outside . He nodded once as I walked by , so I assumed everything was still going all right . Elora 's bedroom was massive . The double doors to her room were floor - to - ceiling , so they were nearly two stories high . The room itself could easily fit two of my bedrooms in it , and my room was quite large . Making the room look even larger was a full wall of windows , although she kept the shades drawn most of the time , preferring the dim light of a bedside lamp . To fill the space , she had several armoires , a writing desk , the largest bed I 'd ever seen , and a sitting area complete with a couch , two chairs , and a coffee table . Today she had a small dining table with two chairs set up near the window . It was all laid out with fruit , yogurt , and oatmeal - my favorite things . The last few times I 'd visited with her , Elora had been in bed , but she sat at the table today . Her long hair had once been jet - black , but it was now silver - white . Her dark eyes were clouded with cataracts , and her porcelain skin had wrinkled . She was still elegant and beautiful , and I imagined she always would be , but she 'd aged so much . " Would you like some tea , Wendy ? " Elora asked without looking up at me . She 'd only recently begun calling me Wendy . For a long time she refused to call me anything but Princess , but our relationship had been changing . " Blackberry . " She filled the small teacup in front of me , then set the teapot on the table . " I hope you 're hungry this morning . I had the chef whip us up a feast . " " I see . " Elora took a sip of her tea and said nothing more for several minutes . She only watched me as I ate , which would 've made me self - conscious before , but I was starting to realize that she just enjoyed watching me . I glanced down at my dress . It was dark blue with black lace designs over it . Willa had picked it out for me , and I did think it was really beautiful . But I still hadn 't gotten used to Elora complimenting me . " No . " I 'd been eating vanilla yogurt , but I set the spoon down on a plate . " You only told me that it was hasty . " " You were early , " she said , her voice low , as if she were lost in thought . " My mother did that . She used her persuasion , and convinced my body to go into labor . It was the only way we could protect you , but you were two weeks early . " " No . " She shook her head . " We went to the city your host family lived in . Oren thought I was interested in a family that lived in Atlanta , but I 'd chosen the Everlys , who lived in northern New York . " Yes , Thomas went with us , " Elora said . " That 's how I met him , actually , when we were on the run from my husband . Thomas was a new tracker , but he 'd already proven to be very resourceful , so my mother chose him to help us . " " Yes , he was . " She smiled at the thought . " I gave birth to you on the floor of a hotel bathroom . Mother used her powers on me , induced labor , and made it so I wouldn 't scream or feel pain . And Thomas sat at my side , holding my hand and telling me it would all be fine . " " You were so small . " Her smile changed , and she tilted her head . " I didn 't know you would be so tiny , and you were so beautiful . You were born with a dark shock of hair , and these big dark eyes . You were beautiful and you were perfect and you were mine . " " I wanted to hold you , " Elora said at length . " I begged my mother to let me hold you , and she said it would only make it worse . She held you , though , wrapping you in a bedsheet and staring down at you with tears in her eyes . " Then she left , " she continued . " She took you to the hospital to leave you with the Everlys , and brought home another baby that wasn 't mine . She wanted me to hold him , to care for Rhys . She said that it would make it easier . But I didn 't want him . You were my child , and I wanted you . " Elora turned to look at me then , her eyes looking clearer than they had in a while . " I did want you , Wendy . Despite everything that happened between your father and me , I wanted you . More than anything in the world . " I didn 't say anything to that . I couldn 't . If I did , I would cry , and I didn 't want her to see that . Even as open as she was being , I didn 't know how she would react to me weeping outright . " But I couldn 't have you . " Elora turned back to the window . " Sometimes it seems to me that that 's all my life has been , a series of things that I loved deeply that I could never have . " " Don 't be . " She waved it off . " I made my choices , and I did the best I could . " She forced a smile . " And look at me . This is your birthday . I shouldn 't be whining to you . " " You 're not whining . " I wiped at my eyes as discreetly as I could and took another sip of my tea . " And I 'm glad you told me . " " Oh , right . Of course . " I shook my head to clear the confusion . " I 've been so busy with everything else that I 'd forgotten . " " It 's no matter , " she said . " It shouldn 't be much work to move things around , since it will only be personal items we 're moving in and out . I 'll have some of the trackers move my things out Friday , and I 'll be staying in the room down the hall . " " Aurora is certainly prepared for it . " I sighed . " But if you 're asking if I 'm prepared to be married , I 'm not sure . I guess I 'll wing it . " " You 're certain ? " I raised an eyebrow . " Did you paint it ? " Elora had the ability of precognition , but she could only see her visions of the future in static images . I ate a little more , but she only picked at the food . We talked , and it was strange to think that I 'd miss her when she was gone . I hadn 't actually known her for very long , and most of that time our relationship had been cold . Thomas was still outside , so I knocked once and opened the door without waiting for a response . Loki was in the middle of changing clothes as I came in . He 'd already traded his worn slacks for a pair of pajama pants , and he was holding a white T - shirt , preparing to put it on . " Why ? " I asked , already feeling indignation at my father for doing this to him . " Why in god 's name would he do something so brutal to you ? " " How is it not brutal ? " I sat down on the bed next to him . " And you 're nearly a Prince ! How can he treat you this way ? " Sara , the Queen of the Vittra , was my stepmother , but she 'd once been betrothed to Loki . She was more than ten years older than him , and it was an arranged engagement that ended when he was nine . They were never romantic , and she had always considered Loki more of a little brother and protected him as such . " Sometimes he 'd hit me . " Loki kept his eyes on me , letting me trace my fingers on his scars . " Or he 'd kick me . But usually he used a cat . " " No , it 's actually called a cat - o ' - nine - tails . It 's like a whip , but instead of one tail , it has nine . It inflicts more damage than a regular whip . " " Loki ! " I dropped my hand , totally appalled . " He would do that to you ? Why didn 't you leave ? Did you fight back ? " " I was locked up in the dungeon . " He shifted and turned away from me . " Wendy , I 'm glad to see you , but I 'd really rather not talk about this anymore . " " Yes , well , he still thought you would come around . " He ran a hand through his hair and sat up straighter . " And you didn 't . It was my fault for letting you go in the first place , and then for not bringing you back . " He bit his lip and shook his head . " He 's determined to get you , Wendy . " " Wendy . " Loki sighed and moved closer to me . Gently , almost cautiously , he put his arm around me . " What happened isn 't your fault . " " No , I can 't . " I shook my head . " I have so much I need to do here . I can 't just leave it all behind . But you can stay here . I will grant you amnesty . " He 'd lowered his arm , so his hand was on my waist . Loki was incredibly near , and his muscles pressed against me . I knew that I should move away , that I had no justifiable reason to be this close to him , but I didn 't move . " Of course you do . " I looked away from him , but I didn 't move away . " Where did you get the pajamas , by the way ? You didn 't bring anything with you when you came . " " Because . I 'll tell you , and it will ruin this whole mood , " Loki said . " Can 't we just sit here and look longingly into each other 's eyes until we fall into each other 's arms , kissing passionately ? " " Of course . " I stood up . " That 's exactly the kind of thing my fiancé would do . He 's always thinking of other people . " " It 's just pajamas ! " Loki insisted , like that would mean something . " Sure , he 's a terrifically nice guy , but that doesn 't matter . " " Okay . " I laughed , because I didn 't know how else to respond . " But I should go . If I 've given you amnesty , that means I have to go about enacting it , and getting everyone to agree that it 's not a suicidal decision . " My relaxing birthday turned into a meeting frenzy because I 'd granted Loki amnesty . Most people thought I was insane , and Loki had to be brought in for questioning . They had a big meeting in which Thomas asked him lots of questions , and Loki answered them the same way he had for me . I did have a nice , quiet dinner with Willa and Matt , and that was something . My aunt Maggie called , and I talked to her for a while . She wanted to come see me , but I 'd been stalling the best I could . I hadn 't explained to her what I was yet , but she knew I was safe with Matt . She 'd been traveling a lot , which was good , but it didn 't keep her from wondering what was going on with me . I couldn 't wait until this all calmed down so I could finally have her in my life again . I missed her so much . After dinner , I went back to my room and watched bad eighties movies with Duncan . He had to stay with me sixteen hours a day , then the night watchman took over . I 'd wanted to study , since Tove was teaching me Tryllic , but Duncan wouldn 't let me . He insisted I needed to shut off my mind and relax . Duncan fell asleep in my room , which wasn 't unusual . Nobody said anything , since he was my guard , and it was better that he was with me . He probably wouldn 't be able to sleep in my room after Saturday , which made me a little sad . I slept sprawled out in my bed , and Duncan was curled up on the couch , a blanket draped over him . " I need to stay busy . " I sat up and squinted in the brightness . " And I don 't care what anybody says about me needing to relax and take time off . I have to keep active . So I think I 'll train with Tove today . " Whenever I thought about the wedding I got a sick feeling in my stomach . Sometimes , if I thought about it too much , I actually threw up . I don 't think I 'd ever been so afraid to do anything in my life . Tove had moved into the palace after the Vittra had kidnapped me , to help keep things safe . He was actually much stronger than any of the guards here , and he may have even been stronger than me . His room was down the hall from mine , and the door was open when I stopped by . Duncan went in and pulled out some of Tove 's clothes from the drawer . I stayed where I was , hating how awkward everything felt between us . When we were training or talking politics , everything was good with Tove and me . We were almost always on the same page , and we talked openly about anything having to do with the palace or work . Training helped him a lot too . The palace was so full of people , and Tove could sense their thoughts and emotions , creating loud static in his head . Training silenced that and focused him , making him more like a normal person . " Why don 't you stay in here ? " I asked . " You can finish packing up some of Tove 's stuff . " Duncan looked uncertain for a second , so I went on , " I 'll be with Tove . We can handle ourselves . " Tove and I headed out back to the secret garden behind the palace . It wasn 't really secret , I guess , but it felt that way since it was hidden behind trees and a wall . Even though a strong January storm had been blowing the last few days , the garden was peaceful . The garden was magic . All the flowers still bloomed , despite the snow , and they sparkled like diamonds from the frost . The thin waterfall that flowed down the bluff should 've frozen over , but it still ran , babbling . A drift of snow had blown over the path . Tove simply held out his hand , and the snow moved to the sides , parting like the Red Sea . He stopped in the orchard under the branches of a tree covered with frozen leaves and blue flowers . Using only his mind , he threw four snowballs at me . I held up my hands , pushing them back with my own telekinesis , and they shattered into puffs of snow from the force . It was my turn to sling a few back at him , but he stopped them just as easily as I had . Tove and I played around , throwing snow at each other , but it became increasingly hard as it went on . It looked like a game , and it was fun , but it was more than that . Stopping a slew of snowballs helped me learn to quickly stop multiple attacks from different directions . I tried to return fire even before I stopped the snowball , and that helped me learn how to fight back while defending myself . Those were two completely different tasks , and they were difficult to master . I 'd been working on this for a while , but couldn 't get it down . In my defense , neither could Tove , but he didn 't really think it was possible . My mind would have to be able to hold something back and throw something at the same time , which it could do , but doing both things at the exact same time was impossible . " Yeah , I am . " He furrowed his brow , staring thoughtfully at the sky . " I think I 'm most scared of the kiss . It will be our first time , and in front of all those people . " " No , I mean , do you think we should now ? " Tove sat up , propping himself up with his arms behind him . " Maybe it will make it a bit easier on Saturday . " " I feel like we 're in the third grade right now . " He sighed and brushed snow off his pants . " But you 're going to be my wife . We 'll have to kiss . " I swallowed hard and leaned forward . I closed my eyes , since it felt less embarrassing if I didn 't have to see him . His lips were cold , and the kiss was chaste . It only lasted a moment , and my stomach swirled with nerves , but not the pleasurable kind . " Yeah , " I said . " Of course we can . If anybody can , it 's us . We 're like the most powerful Trylle ever . And we 're neat people . We can handle spending the rest of our lives with each other . " " Yeah , " Tove said , sounding more encouraged by the prospect . " In fact , I 'm looking forward to it . I like you . You like me . We have fun together . We agree on almost everything . We 're going to be the best husband and wife ever . " We both lapsed into silence after that , staring off at the snow , lost in our own thoughts . I wasn 't sure exactly what Tove was thinking . I wasn 't even sure what I was thinking . I guess it didn 't make much of a difference that Tove was gay . Even if he wasn 't , it didn 't change my feelings for him . We could still form a strong union and have a meaningful marriage in our own way . He deserved nothing less , and I could give that to him . He got up and then took my hand , pulling me to my feet . He didn 't need to , but it was a nice gesture . We went into the palace together , neither of us saying anything , and I twisted at my engagement ring . The metal was icy from the snow , and it suddenly felt too large and heavy on my finger . I wanted to take it off and give it back , but I couldn 't .

Having assumed her rightful place as the Trylle Queen , Wendy Everly must save everyone she loves - and the kingdom she 's fought so hard for - from her cruel Vittra rivals . Oren 's immortality renders him nearly impossible to defeat , and if he can 't have Wendy 's power for his own , he 's determined to destroy her and her friends … including Finn and Loki . As Wendy faces her toughest enemy yet , she 's also forced to make the ultimate choice - who to love for the rest of her life . Everything has been leading up to this moment , and now it 's all coming to a finish . Don 't miss the final chapter in the Trylle trilogy , an epic finale that will leave you breathless ! I had my back to the room as I stared out the window . It was a trick I 'd learned from my mother to make me seem more in control . Elora had given me lots of tips the past few months , but the ones about commanding a meeting were the most useful . " I 'm not . " I turned back , giving him a cool gaze , and he lowered his eyes and balled up his handkerchief in his hand . " But we can 't ignore the problems any longer . " I surveyed the meeting room , doing my best to seem as cold and imposing as Elora always had . I didn 't plan to be a cruel ruler , but they wouldn 't listen to weakness . If I wanted to make a change here , I had to be firm . My assistant Joss sat at the back of the room , furiously scribbling down notes as we talked . She was a small human girl who grew up in Förening as a mänsklig and worked as Elora 's secretary . Since I 'd been running the palace , I 'd inherited Joss as my own assistant . Duncan , my bodyguard , was stationed by the door , where he stood during all the meetings . He followed me everywhere , like a shadow , and though he was clumsy and small , he was smarter than people gave him credit for . I 'd grown to respect and appreciate his presence the last few months , even if he couldn 't completely take the place of my last guard , Finn Holmes . Aurora Kroner sat at the head of the table , and next to her was Tove , my fiancé . He was usually the only one on my side , and I was grateful to have him here . I didn 't know how I would manage ruling if I felt completely alone . A few other high - ranking officials sat around the table , all of their expressions solemn . The situation for the Trylle was growing increasingly dire , and I was proposing change . They didn 't want me to change anything - they wanted me to support the system they 'd had for centuries , but that system wasn 't working anymore . Our society was crumbling , and they refused to see the roles they played in its breakdown . " I 'm not asking to redistribute the wealth or calling to abolish the monarchy , " I said . " I am simply saying that the trackers are out there risking their lives to save us , to protect our changelings , and they deserve a real house to come back to . We should be setting aside money now so that when this is over , we can begin building them real homes . " " We can 't pay the Vittra off , " Tove interjected . " This isn 't about money . This is about power . We all know what they want , and a few thousand - or even a few million - dollars won 't matter to them . The Vittra King will refuse it . " " I will do everything in my power to keep Förening safe , but you are all correct , " I said . " We have yet to find a reasonable solution for the Vittra . That means this might very well turn into a bloody fight , and if it does , we need to support our troops . They deserve the best care , including adequate housing and access to our healers if they 're injured in wartime . " " Why is that ridiculous ? " I asked , working to keep the ice from my voice . " They are expected to die for us , but we aren 't willing to heal their wounds ? We cannot ask more of them than we are willing to give ourselves . " " They are lower than us , " Laris said , as if I didn 't understand the concept . " We are in charge for a reason . Why on earth should we treat them as equals when they are not ? " " Because it 's basic decency , " I argued . " We may not be human , but that doesn 't mean we have to be devoid of humanity . This is why our people are leaving our cities and preferring to live among the humans , letting their powers die . We must offer them some bit of happiness , otherwise why would they stay ? " Laris muttered something under her breath , keeping her steely eyes locked on the oak table . Her black hair was slicked back , pulled in a bun so tight her face looked strained . This was probably done on purpose to draw attention to her strength . Duncan opened the door , and Willa poked her head in , smiling uncertainly . Since she was a Marksinna , Garrett 's daughter , and my best friend , she had every right to be here . I 'd extended an invitation for her to attend these meetings , but she always declined , saying she was afraid she would do more harm than good . She had a hard time being polite when she disagreed with people . " Sorry , " Willa said , and Duncan stepped aside so she could come in . " I didn 't mean to interrupt . It 's just that it 's after five , and I was supposed to get the Princess at three for her birthday celebration . " " Ah , yes . " The Chancellor smiled at me with a disturbing hunger in his eyes . " I 'd forgotten that you 'll be eighteen tomorrow . " He licked his lips , and Tove stood up , purposely blocking the Chancellor 's view of me . " You 're going back to work next week ? " Laris looked appalled . " So soon after your wedding ? Aren 't you and the Princess taking a honeymoon ? " While that was true enough , that wasn 't the only reason I 'd skipped out on a honeymoon . As much as I 'd grown to like Tove , I couldn 't imagine what the two of us would do on one . I hadn 't even let myself think about how we would spend our wedding night . " We need to go over the changeling contracts , " Markis Bain said , standing up in a hurry . " Since the trackers are bringing the changelings back early , and some families decline to do changelings anymore , the placements have all been moved around . I need you to sign off on them . " " Enough talk of business . " Willa looped her arm through mine , preparing to lead me out of the room . " The Princess will be back to work on Monday , and she can sign anything you want then . " " Princess ? " Joss said , scampering behind me with papers spilling out of her binder . " Princess , do you want me to arrange a meeting on Monday with Markis Bain for the contracts ? " " You have a meeting at ten a . m . with the Markis of Oslinna . " Joss flipped through the appointment section of the binder , and a paper flew out . Duncan snatched it before it fell to the floor and handed it to her . " Thank you . Sorry . So , Princess , do you want to meet Markis Bain before or after that meeting ? " " She 'll be going back to work just after getting married , " Willa said . " Of course she won 't be there first thing in the morning . Make it for the afternoon . " I glanced over at Tove walking next to me , but his expression was blank . Since proposing to me , he 'd actually spoken very little of getting married . His mother and Willa had done most of the planning , so I hadn 't even talked to him about what he thought of colors or flower arrangements . Everything had been decided for us , so we had little to discuss . " Now she 's off until Monday , " Willa told Joss over her shoulder . " That means five whole days where nobody calls her , talks to her , or meets with her . Remember that , Joss . If anybody asks for the Princess , she cannot be reached . " " Well , wait until you see what we have planned for you tonight . " Duncan grinned . " You 'll be having too much fun to worry about Laris or anybody else . " Fortunately , since I was getting married in a few days , I 'd gotten out of the usual ball that would happen for a Princess 's birthday . Elora and Aurora had planned that the wedding would take place immediately after I turned eighteen . My birthday was on a Wednesday , and I was getting married on Saturday , leaving no time for a massive Trylle birthday party . Willa insisted on throwing me a small party anyway , even though I didn 't really want one . Considering everything that was happening in Förening , it felt like sacrilege . The Vittra had set up a peace treaty with us , agreeing not to attack us until I became Queen . What we hadn 't realized at the time was the specific language they had used . They wouldn 't attack us , meaning the Trylle living in Förening . Everyone else was fair game . The Vittra had started going after our changelings , the ones that were still left with their host families in human society . They 'd taken a few before we caught on , but as soon as we did , we sent all our best trackers to bring home any changeling over the age of sixteen , including most of the trackers serving as palace bodyguards . For anyone younger than that , our trackers were supposed to stand guard and watch them . We knew the Vittra would avoid taking them because they couldn 't do so without setting off an Amber Alert . Still , we felt that every precaution must be taken to protect the most vulnerable among us . That left us at a horrible disadvantage . To protect the changelings , our trackers had to be in the field , so they couldn 't be here guarding the palace . We would be more exposed to an attack if the Vittra went back on their part of the deal , but I didn 't see what choice we had . We couldn 't let them kidnap and hurt our children , so I sent every tracker I could out into the field . Finn had been gone almost continuously for months . He was the best tracker we had , and he 'd been returning the changelings to all the Trylle communities . I hadn 't seen him since before Christmas , and sometimes I still missed him , but the longing was fading . A figure stood before us , bracing himself with his hands on either side of the doorway . He was slumped forward , his head hanging down , and snow covered his black sweater . His clothes were ragged , worn , and shredded in most places . He smiled crookedly , but his smile didn 't have its usual bravado . His caramel eyes looked tired and pained , and he had a fading bruise on his cheek . Despite all that , he was still just as gorgeous as I remembered him , and my breath caught in my throat . " I apologize for the intrusion , Princess , " he said , his smile already fading . " And as much as I 'd like to say that I 'm here for pleasure , I . . . " He swallowed something back , and his hands gripped tighter on the door frame . " I . . . " Loki started to speak , but his knees gave out . He pitched forward , and I rushed to catch him . He fell into my arms , and I lowered him to the floor . " Wendy . " He smiled up at me , but the smile was weak . " If I 'd known that this is what it would take to get you to hold me , I would 've collapsed a long time ago . " " What is going on , Loki ? " I asked gently . If he hadn 't been so obviously distressed , I would 've swatted him for that comment , but he grimaced in pain when I touched his face . " Amnesty , " he said thickly , and his eyes closed . " I need amnesty , Princess . " His head tilted to the side , and his body relaxed . He 'd passed out . Tove and Duncan had carried Loki up to the servants ' quarters on the second floor . Willa went back to help Matt so he wouldn 't worry , and I sent Duncan to get Thomas because I had no idea what we should do with Loki . He was unconscious , so I couldn 't ask him what had happened . " I don 't know . " I shook my head . " It depends on what he says . " I glanced over at Tove . " Why ? Do you think I should ? " " You don 't want me to get my mother ? " Tove asked . His mother was a healer , meaning she could put her hands on someone and heal almost any wound that person might have . " No . She would never heal a Vittra . Besides , I don 't want anyone to know that Loki is here . Not yet , " I said . " I need an actual doctor . There is a mänks doctor in town , isn 't there ? " " Yeah . " He nodded . " I 'll get him . " He turned to leave but paused at the door . " You 'll be okay with the Vittra Markis ? " Tove nodded , then left me alone with Loki . I took a deep breath and tried to figure out what to do . Loki lay on his back , his light hair cascading across his forehead . Somehow he was even more attractive asleep than he was awake . I sat down on the edge of the bed next to him and touched a hole in his shirt . The skin underneath was discolored and swollen . Tentatively , I lifted his shirt , and when Loki didn 't wake , I pushed it up more . I felt strange and almost perverse undressing him , but I wanted to check and make sure there weren 't any life - threatening contusions . If he was seriously injured or appeared to have any broken bones , I would summon Aurora and make her heal him , whether she wanted to or not . I wouldn 't let Loki die because she was prejudiced . After I pulled his shirt over his head , I got my first good look at him , and my breath caught in my throat . Under ordinary circumstances , I was sure his physique would be stunning , but that wasn 't what shocked me . His torso was covered with bruises , and his sides had long , thin scars on them . Tears stung my eyes , and I put my hand to my mouth . I 'd never seen Loki shirtless before , but I knew there had never been scars on his forearms . Most of this had happened since I 'd seen him last . Worse still , Loki had Vittra blood . Physically , he was incredibly strong , which was how he 'd pounded at the door so hard it shook the front hall . That also meant he healed better than most . For him to look this terrible , somebody really had to have beaten the hell out of him , over and over again , so he wouldn 't have time to heal . " You just couldn 't wait to get me naked , could you , Princess ? " Loki asked tiredly . I started to pull my hand back , but he put his own hand over it , keeping it in place . " I 'm sure . " He moved his thumb , almost caressing my hand , until it hit my ring . " What 's that ? " He tried to sit up to see it , so I lifted my hand , showing him the emerald - encrusted oval on my finger . " Is that a wedding ring ? " Of course I remembered . Loki had snuck in over the wall and asked me to run away with him . I had declined , but he 'd stolen a kiss before he left , a rather nice kiss . My cheeks reddened slightly at the memory , and that made Loki smile wider . " That doesn 't , " Loki said , referring to the kiss . " I meant when I told you that the King hates me . He really does , Wendy . " His eyes went dark for a minute . " Wendy , please . " He closed his eyes . " I 'm exhausted . I barely made it here . Can we have this conversation when I 'm feeling a bit better ? Say , in a month or two ? " In the hall , I wrapped my arms around myself . I couldn 't shake the heavy feeling of guilt , as if I somehow shared responsibility for what had happened to Loki . I 'd only spoken to Oren once , and I had no control over what he did . So why did I feel like it was my fault that Loki had been so brutally beaten ? I wasn 't in the hall for long when Duncan and Thomas approached . I 'd wanted to alert as few people as possible to Loki 's presence , but I trusted Thomas . Not just because he was the head guard and Finn 's father . He 'd once had an illicit affair with Elora , so I thought he was good at keeping secrets . " I 'm not sure yet , " I said . " He hasn 't been able to talk much . But I 'm letting him stay here for now , at least until he heals and we can have a conversation . " The last time Loki had been here , he 'd been held captive . We didn 't have a real prison , so Elora had used her telekinesis to hold him in place , but that had weakened her so much it nearly killed her . In fact , she hadn 't recovered from it yet , and there would be no way she could do it again . Besides that , I didn 't think Loki was really capable of causing trouble . Not in his present state , at least . And he 'd come to us of his own free will . We didn 't need to hold him . " Good , " I said . " Make sure they know they cannot tell anybody about this . This all needs to stay quiet until I figure out what I 'm going to do . Is that clear ? " Tove arrived shortly after that with the mänks doctor . I waited outside the room while he examined Loki . He woke up for it , but offered very little explanation for his injuries . When the doctor was done , he concluded that Loki didn 't have any serious ailments , and he gave him medication for pain . " Come on , " Tove said , after the doctor had gone . " He 's resting now . There 's nothing more you can do . Why don 't you go enjoy your party ? " I hadn 't felt like having a party before Loki crashed the palace , and I felt even less like having one now . But I had to at least try to have fun so I wouldn 't hurt Willa 's or Matt 's feelings . I knew they had gone to a lot of trouble , so I would play the part of the happy birthday girl for them . " Why are you so worried about him anyway ? " Duncan asked . " I know that you two are friends or something , but I don 't understand . He 's a Vittra , and he kidnapped you once . " Duncan directed me to the upstairs living room . It had been Rhys 's playroom when he was little , and they 'd converted it into a place to hang out when he became a teenager . But the ceilings still had murals of clouds and childish things , and the walls were lined with short white shelves that still held a few of his old toys . " Of course I know , " Matt said , his voice a little high from inhaling helium . He had a deflated balloon in his hands , and he tossed it aside to walk over to me . " I was there when you were born , remember ? " He 'd been smiling , but it faltered when he realized what he 'd said . Rhys and I had been switched at birth . Matt had actually been there for Rhys 's birth , not mine . I knew that I 'd grown up some . Even physically I 'd changed . I wore my hair down more now because I 'd finally managed to tame my curls after a lifetime of struggling with them . Since I was running a kingdom now , I had to play the part and wear dark - colored gowns all the time . I had to look like a Princess . Matt wasn 't even supposed to live in the palace , and since Rhys and Rhiannon were mänks , they would never be allowed to attend a ball . Duncan would be let in , but he 'd have to work . He wouldn 't be able to laugh and goof around like he did now . " Wendy , why don 't you help me cut the cake ? " Willa suggested while Tove attempted to act out some kind of clue for charades . Duncan had guessed everything under the sun , but judging by Tove 's comically frustrated response , he wasn 't even close . I 'd been sitting on the couch , laughing at everyone 's failed attempts , but I got up and went over to the table where Willa stood . A cake sat on a brightly colored tablecloth , next to a small pile of gifts . Both Rhys and I had specifically asked for no gifts , but here they were . Matt might be a very good cook , but I wasn 't sure . I dislike most foods , especially processed ones , but Matt had been trying hard to feed me for years , so I pretended to like a lot of things I didn 't like . My annual chiffon birthday cake was one of them . " I wanted to let you know that I didn 't tell Matt about Loki . " Willa lowered her voice as she carefully put pieces of cake on small paper plates . " He would just worry . " " You think Loki will be around for a while ? " Willa asked . She 'd gotten some frosting on her finger , and she licked it off , then grimaced . My dreams were filled with bad winter storms . Snow blowing so hard I couldn 't see anything . Wind so cold I froze to the bone . But I had to keep going . I had to get through the storms . Duncan woke me up a little after nine the next morning . Usually I got up at six or seven to get ready for the day , depending on what time my first meetings were . Since it was my birthday , I 'd slept in a bit , and it felt nice but strange . He wouldn 't have woken me at all , except Elora had requested to eat breakfast with me today since it was my birthday . I didn 't mind being woken up , though . Sleeping in that late made me feel surprisingly lazy . I didn 't even really know what I would do with the day . It 'd been so long since I 'd had a full day that was free of plans . Either I was working on things for the kingdom , helping Aurora with the wedding plans , or spending time with Willa and Matt . I met Elora in her bedroom for breakfast , which was usually where I saw her . She 'd been in decline for a while , but even before Christmas she 'd been on bed rest . Aurora had tried healing her a few times , but she was only staving off the inevitable . On my way to Elora 's chambers in the south wing , I walked past the room Loki was staying in . His bedroom door was closed , and Thomas stood guard outside . He nodded once as I walked by , so I assumed everything was still going all right . Elora 's bedroom was massive . The double doors to her room were floor - to - ceiling , so they were nearly two stories high . The room itself could easily fit two of my bedrooms in it , and my room was quite large . Making the room look even larger was a full wall of windows , although she kept the shades drawn most of the time , preferring the dim light of a bedside lamp . To fill the space , she had several armoires , a writing desk , the largest bed I 'd ever seen , and a sitting area complete with a couch , two chairs , and a coffee table . Today she had a small dining table with two chairs set up near the window . It was all laid out with fruit , yogurt , and oatmeal - my favorite things . The last few times I 'd visited with her , Elora had been in bed , but she sat at the table today . Her long hair had once been jet - black , but it was now silver - white . Her dark eyes were clouded with cataracts , and her porcelain skin had wrinkled . She was still elegant and beautiful , and I imagined she always would be , but she 'd aged so much . " Would you like some tea , Wendy ? " Elora asked without looking up at me . She 'd only recently begun calling me Wendy . For a long time she refused to call me anything but Princess , but our relationship had been changing . " Blackberry . " She filled the small teacup in front of me , then set the teapot on the table . " I hope you 're hungry this morning . I had the chef whip us up a feast . " " I see . " Elora took a sip of her tea and said nothing more for several minutes . She only watched me as I ate , which would 've made me self - conscious before , but I was starting to realize that she just enjoyed watching me . I glanced down at my dress . It was dark blue with black lace designs over it . Willa had picked it out for me , and I did think it was really beautiful . But I still hadn 't gotten used to Elora complimenting me . " No . " I 'd been eating vanilla yogurt , but I set the spoon down on a plate . " You only told me that it was hasty . " " You were early , " she said , her voice low , as if she were lost in thought . " My mother did that . She used her persuasion , and convinced my body to go into labor . It was the only way we could protect you , but you were two weeks early . " " No . " She shook her head . " We went to the city your host family lived in . Oren thought I was interested in a family that lived in Atlanta , but I 'd chosen the Everlys , who lived in northern New York . " Yes , Thomas went with us , " Elora said . " That 's how I met him , actually , when we were on the run from my husband . Thomas was a new tracker , but he 'd already proven to be very resourceful , so my mother chose him to help us . " " Yes , he was . " She smiled at the thought . " I gave birth to you on the floor of a hotel bathroom . Mother used her powers on me , induced labor , and made it so I wouldn 't scream or feel pain . And Thomas sat at my side , holding my hand and telling me it would all be fine . " " You were so small . " Her smile changed , and she tilted her head . " I didn 't know you would be so tiny , and you were so beautiful . You were born with a dark shock of hair , and these big dark eyes . You were beautiful and you were perfect and you were mine . " " I wanted to hold you , " Elora said at length . " I begged my mother to let me hold you , and she said it would only make it worse . She held you , though , wrapping you in a bedsheet and staring down at you with tears in her eyes . " Then she left , " she continued . " She took you to the hospital to leave you with the Everlys , and brought home another baby that wasn 't mine . She wanted me to hold him , to care for Rhys . She said that it would make it easier . But I didn 't want him . You were my child , and I wanted you . " Elora turned to look at me then , her eyes looking clearer than they had in a while . " I did want you , Wendy . Despite everything that happened between your father and me , I wanted you . More than anything in the world . " I didn 't say anything to that . I couldn 't . If I did , I would cry , and I didn 't want her to see that . Even as open as she was being , I didn 't know how she would react to me weeping outright . " But I couldn 't have you . " Elora turned back to the window . " Sometimes it seems to me that that 's all my life has been , a series of things that I loved deeply that I could never have . " " Don 't be . " She waved it off . " I made my choices , and I did the best I could . " She forced a smile . " And look at me . This is your birthday . I shouldn 't be whining to you . " " You 're not whining . " I wiped at my eyes as discreetly as I could and took another sip of my tea . " And I 'm glad you told me . " " Oh , right . Of course . " I shook my head to clear the confusion . " I 've been so busy with everything else that I 'd forgotten . " " It 's no matter , " she said . " It shouldn 't be much work to move things around , since it will only be personal items we 're moving in and out . I 'll have some of the trackers move my things out Friday , and I 'll be staying in the room down the hall . " " Aurora is certainly prepared for it . " I sighed . " But if you 're asking if I 'm prepared to be married , I 'm not sure . I guess I 'll wing it . " " You 're certain ? " I raised an eyebrow . " Did you paint it ? " Elora had the ability of precognition , but she could only see her visions of the future in static images . I ate a little more , but she only picked at the food . We talked , and it was strange to think that I 'd miss her when she was gone . I hadn 't actually known her for very long , and most of that time our relationship had been cold . Thomas was still outside , so I knocked once and opened the door without waiting for a response . Loki was in the middle of changing clothes as I came in . He 'd already traded his worn slacks for a pair of pajama pants , and he was holding a white T - shirt , preparing to put it on . " Why ? " I asked , already feeling indignation at my father for doing this to him . " Why in god 's name would he do something so brutal to you ? " " How is it not brutal ? " I sat down on the bed next to him . " And you 're nearly a Prince ! How can he treat you this way ? " Sara , the Queen of the Vittra , was my stepmother , but she 'd once been betrothed to Loki . She was more than ten years older than him , and it was an arranged engagement that ended when he was nine . They were never romantic , and she had always considered Loki more of a little brother and protected him as such . " Sometimes he 'd hit me . " Loki kept his eyes on me , letting me trace my fingers on his scars . " Or he 'd kick me . But usually he used a cat . " " No , it 's actually called a cat - o ' - nine - tails . It 's like a whip , but instead of one tail , it has nine . It inflicts more damage than a regular whip . " " Loki ! " I dropped my hand , totally appalled . " He would do that to you ? Why didn 't you leave ? Did you fight back ? " " I was locked up in the dungeon . " He shifted and turned away from me . " Wendy , I 'm glad to see you , but I 'd really rather not talk about this anymore . " " Yes , well , he still thought you would come around . " He ran a hand through his hair and sat up straighter . " And you didn 't . It was my fault for letting you go in the first place , and then for not bringing you back . " He bit his lip and shook his head . " He 's determined to get you , Wendy . " " Wendy . " Loki sighed and moved closer to me . Gently , almost cautiously , he put his arm around me . " What happened isn 't your fault . " " No , I can 't . " I shook my head . " I have so much I need to do here . I can 't just leave it all behind . But you can stay here . I will grant you amnesty . " He 'd lowered his arm , so his hand was on my waist . Loki was incredibly near , and his muscles pressed against me . I knew that I should move away , that I had no justifiable reason to be this close to him , but I didn 't move . " Of course you do . " I looked away from him , but I didn 't move away . " Where did you get the pajamas , by the way ? You didn 't bring anything with you when you came . " " Because . I 'll tell you , and it will ruin this whole mood , " Loki said . " Can 't we just sit here and look longingly into each other 's eyes until we fall into each other 's arms , kissing passionately ? " " Of course . " I stood up . " That 's exactly the kind of thing my fiancé would do . He 's always thinking of other people . " " It 's just pajamas ! " Loki insisted , like that would mean something . " Sure , he 's a terrifically nice guy , but that doesn 't matter . " " Okay . " I laughed , because I didn 't know how else to respond . " But I should go . If I 've given you amnesty , that means I have to go about enacting it , and getting everyone to agree that it 's not a suicidal decision . " My relaxing birthday turned into a meeting frenzy because I 'd granted Loki amnesty . Most people thought I was insane , and Loki had to be brought in for questioning . They had a big meeting in which Thomas asked him lots of questions , and Loki answered them the same way he had for me . I did have a nice , quiet dinner with Willa and Matt , and that was something . My aunt Maggie called , and I talked to her for a while . She wanted to come see me , but I 'd been stalling the best I could . I hadn 't explained to her what I was yet , but she knew I was safe with Matt . She 'd been traveling a lot , which was good , but it didn 't keep her from wondering what was going on with me . I couldn 't wait until this all calmed down so I could finally have her in my life again . I missed her so much . After dinner , I went back to my room and watched bad eighties movies with Duncan . He had to stay with me sixteen hours a day , then the night watchman took over . I 'd wanted to study , since Tove was teaching me Tryllic , but Duncan wouldn 't let me . He insisted I needed to shut off my mind and relax . Duncan fell asleep in my room , which wasn 't unusual . Nobody said anything , since he was my guard , and it was better that he was with me . He probably wouldn 't be able to sleep in my room after Saturday , which made me a little sad . I slept sprawled out in my bed , and Duncan was curled up on the couch , a blanket draped over him . " I need to stay busy . " I sat up and squinted in the brightness . " And I don 't care what anybody says about me needing to relax and take time off . I have to keep active . So I think I 'll train with Tove today . " Whenever I thought about the wedding I got a sick feeling in my stomach . Sometimes , if I thought about it too much , I actually threw up . I don 't think I 'd ever been so afraid to do anything in my life . Tove had moved into the palace after the Vittra had kidnapped me , to help keep things safe . He was actually much stronger than any of the guards here , and he may have even been stronger than me . His room was down the hall from mine , and the door was open when I stopped by . Duncan went in and pulled out some of Tove 's clothes from the drawer . I stayed where I was , hating how awkward everything felt between us . When we were training or talking politics , everything was good with Tove and me . We were almost always on the same page , and we talked openly about anything having to do with the palace or work . Training helped him a lot too . The palace was so full of people , and Tove could sense their thoughts and emotions , creating loud static in his head . Training silenced that and focused him , making him more like a normal person . " Why don 't you stay in here ? " I asked . " You can finish packing up some of Tove 's stuff . " Duncan looked uncertain for a second , so I went on , " I 'll be with Tove . We can handle ourselves . " Tove and I headed out back to the secret garden behind the palace . It wasn 't really secret , I guess , but it felt that way since it was hidden behind trees and a wall . Even though a strong January storm had been blowing the last few days , the garden was peaceful . The garden was magic . All the flowers still bloomed , despite the snow , and they sparkled like diamonds from the frost . The thin waterfall that flowed down the bluff should 've frozen over , but it still ran , babbling . A drift of snow had blown over the path . Tove simply held out his hand , and the snow moved to the sides , parting like the Red Sea . He stopped in the orchard under the branches of a tree covered with frozen leaves and blue flowers . Using only his mind , he threw four snowballs at me . I held up my hands , pushing them back with my own telekinesis , and they shattered into puffs of snow from the force . It was my turn to sling a few back at him , but he stopped them just as easily as I had . Tove and I played around , throwing snow at each other , but it became increasingly hard as it went on . It looked like a game , and it was fun , but it was more than that . Stopping a slew of snowballs helped me learn to quickly stop multiple attacks from different directions . I tried to return fire even before I stopped the snowball , and that helped me learn how to fight back while defending myself . Those were two completely different tasks , and they were difficult to master . I 'd been working on this for a while , but couldn 't get it down . In my defense , neither could Tove , but he didn 't really think it was possible . My mind would have to be able to hold something back and throw something at the same time , which it could do , but doing both things at the exact same time was impossible . " Yeah , I am . " He furrowed his brow , staring thoughtfully at the sky . " I think I 'm most scared of the kiss . It will be our first time , and in front of all those people . " " No , I mean , do you think we should now ? " Tove sat up , propping himself up with his arms behind him . " Maybe it will make it a bit easier on Saturday . " " I feel like we 're in the third grade right now . " He sighed and brushed snow off his pants . " But you 're going to be my wife . We 'll have to kiss . " I swallowed hard and leaned forward . I closed my eyes , since it felt less embarrassing if I didn 't have to see him . His lips were cold , and the kiss was chaste . It only lasted a moment , and my stomach swirled with nerves , but not the pleasurable kind . " Yeah , " I said . " Of course we can . If anybody can , it 's us . We 're like the most powerful Trylle ever . And we 're neat people . We can handle spending the rest of our lives with each other . " " Yeah , " Tove said , sounding more encouraged by the prospect . " In fact , I 'm looking forward to it . I like you . You like me . We have fun together . We agree on almost everything . We 're going to be the best husband and wife ever . " We both lapsed into silence after that , staring off at the snow , lost in our own thoughts . I wasn 't sure exactly what Tove was thinking . I wasn 't even sure what I was thinking . I guess it didn 't make much of a difference that Tove was gay . Even if he wasn 't , it didn 't change my feelings for him . We could still form a strong union and have a meaningful marriage in our own way . He deserved nothing less , and I could give that to him . He got up and then took my hand , pulling me to my feet . He didn 't need to , but it was a nice gesture . We went into the palace together , neither of us saying anything , and I twisted at my engagement ring . The metal was icy from the snow , and it suddenly felt too large and heavy on my finger . I wanted to take it off and give it back , but I couldn 't .

Posted on July 24 , 2016 by Carly Janine 2 The morning after my mugging , I awoke in a canyon . I was really lucky that although it was November in the Bay Area , the weather was very mild . It had almost been nice sleeping outside , or would have been if I hadn 't been so afraid . What had seemed like a fun adventure only a day ago ( spiked with moments of terror ) now suddenly felt like a nightmare . I was scared of everyone , and started thinking certain people I met were Evil while others were Good . It wasn 't the best mindset to be in while wandering streets full of strangers . During my week on the streets , I had started calling myself Rose and identifying myself as such to some people . So when I walked into the RV place , that 's how I introduced myself . Which of course , did not match my ID . Which didn 't matter anyway , because I gave them an old expired ID I had kicking around in my purse . None of it made any sense . I had my real ID on me , I had enough money in my bank account to rent the RV , everything could have been fine . But it wasn 't . Instead of renting the RV to me , they turned me away . I guess they actually thought I was trying to commit fraud . So I left . I walked outside and although I do not remember what happened exactly at that point , the end result was that I noticed a set of keys dangling from the door of the RV . Something in my delusion told me that it was FOR me , so I just hopped in and drove off the lot . Almost immediately a man from the lot started following me , and I took the on - ramp to the freeway that led from San Mateo to Half Moon Bay . If you aren 't familiar with the road , it is pretty narrow and twisty and can be dangerous even in a low - profile vehicle . The man kept gesturing at me to pull over , but in my mind he was AFTER me and was one of the people that had been " chasing " me the whole time I was missing . I was terrified of him . Suddenly there were several police cars behind me , too . Red and blue lights were flashing and I felt like I was leading a parade . I didn 't exactly speed , but I did start passing cars on the freeway ( using my turn signals ! ) . When the freeway ended in Half Moon Bay , I again used my turn signals through the neighborhood until I found a good place to pull over . I passed a police officer on the street and flashed him the peace sign . Now I was grinning and laughing , like it was all a big joke . Of course I pulled over , and immediately I was terrified again because I had what felt like a dozen guns in my face as they threw the door to the RV open . I know how lucky I am . One officer undid my seatbelt and dragged me from the vehicle , leaving a burn down my arm from the seatbelt . Still feeling lucky . As I hit the ground I peed my pants AGAIN for the second time in two days . If I ever thought I was some kind of cool - headed hero in the face of stress , I have learned I am the exact opposite . I am the quivering jello person that just stares and pees themselves . I 'm hoping I can change that about myself with some self - defense classes and such , but I haven 't done it . The police asked me a lot of questions and I told them about the guy that had mugged me . They asked me if I was drunk , if I was on meth . I was 100 % sober sadly , but they didn 't believe me . I had a really nice officer drive me back to the police station in San Mateo . I remember him asking if this was my Thelma & Louise moment . He even pulled out my state massage license from my wallet and asked how this girl got to be in the back of his car . He calmed me down a lot with his chatter and I KNOW you 're not supposed to talk to the police , but I did anyway . We talked the whole way back . He was the one that realized I was a Missing Person when we got back to the station . A woman cop inspected me and took my clothes , saying she would have them washed for me . ( I was SO embarrassed . ) I 'm pretty sure the police thought I was drunk at this point , because they threw me in a cell with another lady for many hours . During this time I figured out how to call Neil collect on the phone and got through to him , ending the big question of WHERE THE FUCK IS CARLY ? Carly was somewhere she had never been before . Carly was in jail . Finally they brought in a psychiatrist to see me , who spent a few hours asking me if I was on meth , like everyone else had . I kept self - massaging my arms , pacing around , randomly doing yoga . I was a mess . The first night , they drove me over to the county jail and tried to put me in with the general population , which basically broke me . I don 't remember much about it , except thinking the other women had microphones and things in their ears , but I was scared . They couldn 't drive me back to Medical that night , so they let me sleep on the floor of the commissary office , away from the other women . The next morning , I was sent back to Medical . I had my own room for a few days , and they took away my bed and made me wear suicide - proof clothes . I had hallucinations and delusions and it was a miserable time . I remember hitting the suicide button the first night in there because I had missed all the meals so had had no food for two days . Everyone laughed at me when I said I was hungry , and the guard was pissed . But she did eventually bring me some cereal . Actually , back at Medical everyone started treating me with kid gloves . I had nearly wandered off the first night at county ( I did not stay in my seat when told to . Don 't do this in jail . ) so whenever I was moved anywhere I had to have my arms and legs shackled . After 2 - 3 days ( I can 't remember or tell anymore ) in my solo apartment in Medical , I got moved into a shared space in Medical . They were trying to give me medication , but I kept thinking they were trying to poison me . After a few days I calmed down and I let them give me Lithium , and almost instantly started getting a little better . I was really giving the police kind of a hard time . I remember hitting an emergency call button ( you know , one of those big red buttons that you DO NOT PUSH unless there 's a riot or some shit . ) It was " nice " being in the shared space in Medical . I had gotten very bored in my solo room as I calmed down . I had a roommate , and a common room , and there were four other women in two other rooms off the common room . We watched and sang along to The Voice . We drew pictures and talked about our lives . One of the women was elderly and her boyfriend died while she was in jail and they wouldn 't let her out to attend his funeral . It was pretty sad . One of the ladies had murdered a cabbie and was being sent " off to Napa " , which I took to be the criminally insane place . I was very scared that I was going to be sent there . While we were there , she was on the front page of the newspaper and we decided not to show her the article . At some point during this first week , Neil , my ex , came to see me . I refused to see him , and I don 't even remember why . I was suspicious of him for some reason , maybe still thinking he was trying to keep my daughter from me . My other friends Devin and Val had been tirelessly keeping everyone up to date with everything that was going on with me , and came to see me as well . They lived in San Mateo and everything had gone down right by their house . Had I managed to find their house , a lot of sad things would probably have been avoided . My mom had used a lawyer in San Francisco before , Cindy Diamond , and that 's who she contacted to represent me . We totally didn 't have the money for a lawyer , but my mom managed to get some money out of the estate in Texas to pay for it , and I became Cindy 's ' special project ' . Thank the gods . I don 't know what would have happened to me if I hadn 't had a lawyer . Cindy was smart and tough and instantly got me to work writing down the things that had happened in order and getting notes together for an outside psychiatrist . She wanted an official diagnosis for me as soon as possible . After a few days in the shared Medical room , the police decided I could go back to county jail . I was transported to the San Mateo County Jail , where I spent two weeks . Please note that at this time , I was completely confused as to why nobody had bailed me out of jail . I assumed it was because they couldn 't afford it , that my bail was set too high or something similar . It turns out everyone just thought that was the safest place for me to " calm down " . It hurt and I cried for days wondering why nobody was bailing me out of jail , and I didn 't have ANY phone numbers , plus I needed an address to go to upon release , which I didn 't have because Neil had said I couldn 't stay with him and Molly while I was so messed up . I honestly felt like I would be in jail forever . I spent Thanksgiving 2013 in jail , and while I should be grateful they gave us pumpkin pie , I will say it was the worst pumpkin pie I have ever had in my life . I will never forget the taste of that terrible pie . I will note , however , that Thanksgiving - in - jail did NOT rate as the worst Thanksgiving I 've ever had ! I kept myself busy as I could to pass the time . There was one exercise bike to share among the 40ish women that were in our big room , so when I could get on it I used that . I took as many showers as I could get away with , since the water was lukewarm at least and felt pretty nice . Except the one time I took a shower when we were not apparently supposed to be taking showers . The CO whipped open the shower curtain on me and scared the shit out of me . In trouble again . I got in trouble a few times during the general population stay . There was a " cold room " they would throw us in when we acted up . I spent a few hours in the cold room for cutting in line one time , and for something else that I don 't remember . It was miserable in there . It was just an empty room with a toilet and the AC cranked up really high . The other girls were mostly young , a lot were moms , and almost all of them were nice . The stories they told me broke my heart over and over again . We compared pictures of our kids and how we wound up there . One showed me how to take the elastic thread out of a sock and use it to thread eyebrows ! Another girl I traded some stamps to in exchange for her to braid the front of my hair out of my face . Coffee . They sold instant coffee at the commissary that we had to make with lukewarm water from the sink . It was still so good . Awful instant coffee with a wee pinch of sugar and dehydrated creamer and it was SO GOOD ! It was like the only altering substance anyone was allowed , so they were all coffee junkies . We would be up until midnight sipping coffee and playing cards . When mail call came , I was always the most popular person in the room . Everyone was curious how I got so much mail , especially since I was from So - Cal , but it was totally because of Devin and Val and Neil . Thank you to everyone that sent me letters while I was in jail . I read them over and over again and if you didn 't get a response , which most didn 't , it 's because I never managed to have stamps and envelopes and a pencil at the same time . Getting stuff from the commissary only happened once a week , and shit would sometimes just up and disappear . Jail . At least I never did see the meth . Some girls got busted with meth in our room and got additional time added onto their sentences . Not sure how they got meth in jail , but hey , wtf . It was sad . Another girl had a seizure in the middle of the night , which was also scary . We were only allowed to go outside for a few minutes each day , and only if the whole room hadn 't gotten in trouble . We spent the whole weekend after the meth incident inside . When we did go outside , it was to some cement picnic tables with a high fence separating the tables from a vegetable garden , then the freeway . There was a cat that was sometimes in the garden , and I liked to just sit and watch the plants and the kitty . I started drawing a picture of the garden , and when I finally got out I gave it to the young deputy that was the nicest to me while I was there . I was so manic . I wanted to stay in touch with everyone ! I must have given my email address to a dozen women while I was in jail , though I never did hear from any of them afterwards . Finally , after over two weeks in jail , this one girl asked how much my bail was . I was like , well I don 't know , I think it is pretty high . She said she had a bail bondsman that could get me out for less than anyone else . I wound up calling him and missing him because he came to get me out while we were eating dinner , then he wouldn 't come back for me . But now I knew I could bail myself out . I called Aladdin Bail Bonds next and the guy offered to just bail me out sight unseen for $ 126 if I came straight to the office and paid it as soon as I got out . WHAT THE FUCK . I SPENT TWO WEEKS IN JAIL OVER $ 126 ? ! ? ! ! ? Now I was pissed . But it didn 't matter . The only thing that mattered was that I was finally getting out . I didn 't believe it . They said I had to be out before midnight , so at like 11 : 55pm they finally called my name to be transported back for release . The last two hours I was in jail was the longest two hours of my life so far . I kept thinking something was going to go wrong and I wasn 't going to get out . But it didn 't . They drove me back with a young prostitute that I hadn 't particularly gotten along with in jail but now that we were getting out buddies , we were friends . I am so grateful to the girl in jail that showed me how to bail myself out . I would never have known I could even do it . Unfortunately , they only give you a bus or train token when you get out and since I got out after midnight , I had already missed the last train anywhere . As soon as I got out I devoured the chocolate bar that was in my purse and walked over to Aladdin to pay my bail . The dude was so nice ! I totally recommend them if you ever wind up in jail . I wound up doing payments for like a year to them and never had a problem . So I was out , but I had nowhere to go . It was so late at night . I thought about walking to Saratoga , where my mom 's friend lived . I knew he would look out for me . But I couldn 't get ahold of him on the phone . My mom had written down some numbers for me in a letter , but I couldn 't get ahold of anyone . I walked around aimlessly for a few blocks , paranoid the whole time that I was going to get picked up and sent right back to jail . Finally I decided to spend the last of my money on a hotel room for the night and figure it out the next day . I wound up at an America 's Best Value Inn and it was the most luxurious experience of my life . The shower easily rivaled the post - BurningMan shower I had had once . Also , I was so THIN . I lost weight wandering the streets and in jail , and now that I had a full - length mirror I could really see it . I couldn 't remember the last time I was so thin . They were supposed to release me with my medication , but they didn 't . I had to walk a mile the next morning to go pick up my meds , and the police officer I picked them up from was so rude to me , I cried on my walk back . But I cheered myself up by obtaining In N Out , which was the most delicious thing I had ever tasted after two weeks of jail food . The next few weeks are still a little blurry . I stayed in the Bay Area for a few weeks to hit a couple court dates , and to see the psychiatrist that my lawyer had lined up for me , Dr . Weiner . I talked to him for three hours and filled him in on most of my whole story . When all was said and done I finally had a diagnosis , Bipolar I . He wrote an extensive paper on me for the court . I spent a few days with my friend 's mother in Half Moon Bay , who was also bipolar . That time was very healing for me , being around someone that really understood . She also gave me some cash to help get me through , and I will always be grateful to her . I will also always be grateful to Devin and Val , who I spent more time with and who went so above and beyond in the friend realm the whole time I was missing . I am so loved . Some days it is hard to remember , but I know now that I am loved . Dealing with my bipolar disorder has been a struggle , but I am happy to have a diagnosis and medication that has helped keep me stable these last few years . I hope that by sharing my story to help others feel more free to share their stories that I enjoy so much . In some ways , my life is the same . My daughter still occupies a lot of my time , though not quite as much since she is turning 6 in a few weeks and now has school , day camp , friends . I 've been living with my ex - husband for the last 2 + years , which has been comfortable , if occasionally stifling . We are soon ending this arrangement and I am scared of the transition . I don 't even know where to start . Do I start with Halloween 2013 ? The worst day of my life ? Or go into detail about the ensuing week , where I slept on the streets and gave away my money to homeless people and wound up in jail ? Or do I begin more recently , with all that I have learned about my disorder since then , and the support and love I now receive and feel ? I now know how lucky I am . A lot of people with mental illness have the police called on them when they have breakdowns , with varying and sometimes disastrous results . When my nervous breakdown began , my ex was very patient with me . I now have compassion for how scared he must have been . At the time , I just saw him as trying to stifle me , or keep my daughter from me , and other symptoms of my illness . I had just started a new job at a chiropractic office in Mission Valley . It was perfect . Close to my house , the chiro was young and motivated and kind , I was the only therapist . I was set up to be in a great position . Then I started thinking hackers were trying to get into my phone , and my computer . I began to get very paranoid , thinking I was being watched all the time , that there were hidden cameras and microphones everywhere . I ran into a man on Adams Avenue outside Lestat 's and burst into tears . He became very worried and asked what was wrong . He tried to take care of me that day , and had my truck looked at by his mechanic , and paid me for a massage . A very kind man indeed . I was starting to fray around the edges , but I had no idea . Even when this man took me out for coffee , I felt like everyone was staring at me . I was constantly onstage . I was having delusions . I started to feel like the man was stalking me . I told my boss at my new job that I felt like I had a stalker and hackers , and I 'm sure he knew then that I was crazy and he regretted hiring me , I 'd only been at the job about 6 weeks . That night I was sure my stalker would be waiting for me after work , so I got into my truck and I fled . I could hear voices telling me that I needed to go . The radio was giving me special signs that it was time to go . The whole world was telling me to GO . So I ran away . I drove all night , past Los Angeles , all the way to San Leandro , when all of a sudden , my truck broke down . I started to freak out . I was in an unfamiliar part of the Bay Area . I had not - a - lot of money . My truck was broken down . The voices were telling me that something was after my ex and my daughter , and I started looking for them everywhere . Nothing made any sense . I knew I was missing my shift at my new job , so I texted the receptionist that I thought I was having a nervous breakdown , then I threw my phone away . It wasn 't even my original phone . That I had broken and buried in a friend 's yard a few days prior . I had no way to get ahold of anyone I knew . It was a terrible position to be in , since I had no telephone numbers memorized . I won 't go into too much detail about my adventures over the next few days in this post because it 's already getting long , and some of it is still very embarrassing to me . I will say that I had been reported missing back in San Diego , and though I encountered the police several times in the Bay Area , not a single one of them ever realized I was a missing person that they had found . One cop gave me a ride when he saw me walking on the side of a highway . Another one dropped me off at a homeless shelter . Yet another one let me go after someone called the police because I was hanging out on a residential street walking up and down it very slowly . All these times I encountered the police , and they were nice , but really didn 't help me . The absolute worst night , I got off a train in Hayward and jumped into a cab . The cabbie thought I was on drugs and told me to get out , but I showed him I had money , just nowhere to go , and he took me to a 24 hour diner and left me there . I ordered pie and coffee , but a few minutes later I freaked out and yelled at no one in particular and ran out of the diner . It was the biggest mistake I made the whole time I was missing . It was after midnight in Hayward , and I started talking to a man that got off a bus . We walked aways , to the train station , smoking cigarettes and chatting . I never felt like I was in any danger . We talked for maybe an hour , then all of a sudden he hit me . He broke my nose and I fell to the ground . I was so scared I peed my pants , and he grabbed my pants and told me to show him my " lady parts " . I was sure he was going to rape , and then kill me . He had hit me so hard . Blood was running all over my face and hands as I tried to figure out what was wrong with my nose . I didn 't even scream , or try to get away . He could have killed me and I would have just sat there and let him . But he didn 't . He took my money out of my wallet , then told me to run away . I stumbled off and tried to find help , unsuccessfully . I ran into three people that night , all of which turned away and ignored me . I must have looked homeless at this point . I was covered in blood and not a single person helped me . I had no phone to call the police , so I laid down in a canyon and fell asleep there . When I woke up , a huge raccoon was staring at me . Scared the living shit out of me . At this point I was talking to myself , and scared . I knocked on the door of a nearby house , and a shocked family there gave me some ice for my nose . I told them I fell down . I don 't know why I lied , but they didn 't call the police , just gave me my ice then I left . Nobody called the police at all until the next day when I drove off in an RV from the rental lot . I was soon arrested , and taken to jail in San Mateo . Once I arrived at the police station , they finally realized I was a missing person . There is so much to say here , but I am going to have to finish this later . I will say thank you for reading this far , and I hope to continue sharing parts of my story soon .

I stopped dead as I heard Mr . Johnson 's voice . My heart began beating faster and my shoulders stiffened and rose slightly . I was frozen in place momentarily , and then I slowly turned around , full of trepidation . As I came to face him , however , despite my fear and anxiety , my eyes automatically fell to my teacher 's long dong . It was soft now , well almost . Rather than hanging down long and straight as it always had when I had seen it those other times , now it was pointing out from his body very slightly . The head of his giant cock was red , and I could see the shine of wetness on the tip . I knew why , and so did Mr . Johnson ! Now the only question was , did he know that I knew , and , if he did , what was he going to do about it ? I felt myself start to tremble slightly . Then Mr . Johnson , standing right in front of me now , reached out and took my jockstrap , which was dangling below my books , the one strap of which had been held by one of my fingers . In my haste to get in and out of there as quickly as possible I hadn 't even realized that I had snagged it when grabbing my books . " You know that you 're not allowed to take your jock back to your dorm , Ryan , " Mr . Johnson said . The jockstraps were provided by the school , each student 's first name and the first initial of their last name written on the front of the wide waistband with permanent marker . After they had been worn ( we didn 't wear them for every gym class ) they were to be tossed in a bin for laundering , and never allowed to be removed from the locker room . " I - I 'm sorry , Mr . Johnson . I didn 't even know I had hooked it with my books . I guess I just forgot to toss it in the bin after I got dressed . " " Ok , Ryan , " Mr . Johnson said . " Now you 'd better get back to your dorm . Looks like you have quite a bit of homework you should be doing , " he said nodding at the pile of books in my hands . Once outside , I fell back against the locker room doors and let out a big sigh , relieved that Mr . Johnson hadn 't confronted me about peeping on him . Obviously he had no idea that I had witnessed his private moment in the showers or he surely would have said something . A moment later , I found myself turning around and pressing my eye to the thin crack that appeared between the double steel doors of the locker room . My line of sight was filled with a rear view of my naked teacher walking away . I looked at his ass , and then below it and saw what I , for some reason , longed to see , part of his large cock hanging down between his legs , swinging and bouncing around as he padded across the locker room floor . My attention was diverted from my teacher 's oversized penis when he neared the bin where the jockstraps got deposited , and kept on walking without dropping mine into it , still holding it in his hand as he turned and headed in the direction of his office . After I got off , homework , sleep and the next day 's classes had kept my mind otherwise engaged and off thoughts of the previous afternoon . But now it was time for gym class again , and I was dreading it . During the hours between classes I had somehow managed to convince myself that Mr . Johnson was fully aware that I had spied on him in the showers , and was fearful of the repercussions I might face now that he had had a day to think over exactly what it was he was going to do about it . When gym class ended , Mr . Johnson , as expected , put me in the last shower rotation to shower with him and one other student . At least it wouldn 't be just me and Mr . Johnson this time . That would assure that he wouldn 't bring anything up in the showers , and I planned to make sure I was dressed and out of there before my other shower mate . This just convinced me even more that he knew I knew what he had done in the showers , because he was making a point not to shower with me . The fact that he had chosen not to settled my nerves . Now I knew I could shower and dress and get out of there without seeing him again for sure . Despite this , though , I still found myself kind of wishing he would come and take a shower with us so I could get a look at his cock again … and it was with those thoughts of my teacher 's large penis that my own started to get hard ! I couldn 't believe it ! I had never once sprung a boner in the showers in front of my classmates , only Mr . Johnson . And now here I was getting one in front of Tommy Mitchell ! One night after work I decided to stop off at the park for some fun . I knew for a fact that action took place at this park during the lunch hour , but I was not sure what the action was like at this time of the day , or if there would be any at all . I pulled into the lot of the park and all I saw were straight couples . Sticking around to see if anyone interesting showed up , I sat in my car pretending to be deeply into my book , every now and again looking up to see who was pulling up . As I looked up this time , I saw a nice looking guy get out of his car and head down a path . Then to my right I saw a really hot guy enter the park on foot and do the same . The second guy made my cock stir just looking at him , so I put the book down , hopped out of my car and headed towards the path . As I walked along I came to a fork in the road . I could either continue on straight ahead or turn left . Letting my hard - on be my guide I took the path ahead of me . It was paved and I figured it would be easy to get back to my truck . As I made my way along it I saw the second guy in the distance standing at the side of the path . He looked over at me and then continued down the path . The first guy was not too far ahead . After walking a short way , again there was a cross road . This time guy number one headed into the woods and guy number two followed him . I decided to look for another way up , perhaps hoping to get a glimpse of the two of them in action . I spent the majority of my day distracted from my work , in a state of constant arousal , and it was entirely her fault . She was a new girl at the office and it was her first day , and she was hot ! Because of that distraction I was now stuck at the office working overtime . I don 't know if it was because I was exceptionally horny or what , but everything about this new employee made me want to cum . Every time she walked by I couldn 't stop staring at her boots and thinking they screamed " Fuck Me ! " When I walked by her desk at one point , she had dropped something while setting up her cubicle and she was kneeling beneath it , on her knees , with her ass in the air , and I thought I was going to bust a nut right then and there . I was practically crazy from lust . I spent most of the day gently massaging myself through my pants between phone calls and assignments . Every time someone walked by I had to quickly move my hand away so I wouldn 't get caught . Every time she walked by , even after removing my hand , I was still afraid that I would leave a huge cum stain on the front of my pants . Eventually , in the later part of the afternoon , I moved to the boardroom to hopefully keep me focused . Moving to the boardroom did keep me more focused , slightly , but I was still extremely horny and thinking of her . Finally , the day was over for everyone else , and I waited to hear the outside door close after the last person left , and then I practically ripped my pants open to relieve my pent - up cravings . It wasn 't like I had ever done that at work before , but I still had a couple of hours of work to catch up on , and I would never be able to concentrate if I did not take care of myself , I knew that . Leaning back in my chair I got comfortable and began gently stroking myself . I was thinking back to the new girl on her knees beneath her desk . I imagined her gently sliding her lips up and down on my dick . My fingers gently caressed my shaft , sliding up and down , and occasionally circled around the edge of the head . The sensations raced throughout my entire pelvis , my balls swelled and I squeezed the muscles of my ass . My hips slid back and forth in my chair as I pretended I was pumping in and out of her luscious mouth . I could feel the pre - cum oozing from the tip of my cock , down onto my fingers , lubricating me further and making the sensations even greater . It wasn 't long before I felt myself getting close . I didn 't want to cum on my dress shirt and tie , so I stood up to shoot on the boardroom table . Now standing , I leaned my head back , closed my eyes and pumped myself toward the orgasm that had been building all day . I could feel my dick twitch in my hand and feel my balls begin to tighten . I was about to spew a massive load of cum the table as I imagined it to be her face . Suddenly I was yanked from my fantasy , hearing someone calling my name to see if I was still there . Before I could get my hand off of my dick , let alone put it away , she was standing in the doorway . She was in mid - sentence , saying something about forgetting her cell phone after an earlier orientation meeting , when she stopped dead in her tracks . I woke up to the smell of chicken . The room was dark . I was in Josh 's bed with the covers over me . I was naked underneath . Looking around , I found the small LED alarm clock . It was shortly after nine o ' clock in the evening . I had been asleep for about six hours . Now , just a few short hours before my time visiting Josh was to end , I smelled chicken . It was so strong that it had to have been coming from somewhere in the small dorm room . Then the door opened and I saw Josh 's silhouette . He quickly shut the door and kept the lights off . When I stirred in the bed he stopped in his tracks . I sat up and pulled the covers off of me , revealing my hard dick . Josh smiled , but stood up and moved to the other side of the room . " There 's plenty of time for that later , " he said . " For now , you need to eat . A couple of hours ago I went out and got us some roasted chicken . I was also got us some beer to go with it . " He turned a lamp on and I could see that he had a nice feast waiting for us . I got out of bed and slipped on my underwear . I was a little disappointed that he didn 't respond to my obvious gesture of sexual interest , but I was also very hungry . He was right , sex could wait . Josh was opening the beers as I sat down . He was dressed in just a t - shirt and boxers . He looked as if he was going to eat and go to bed . I was hoping that this wasn 't the case . I wanted to have a memorable night before heading off in the morning . As we ate , Josh couldn 't stop looking into my eyes . There was a look of intense love with a glimmer of sadness . He talked about the times we had while I visited . We had definitely taken our friendship to another level and leaving was going to be more difficult than I anticipated . Thoughts of dropping out of school and moving closer to Josh fluttered through my mind , but I dismissed them . I had to go back to school . I needed space to determine if my feelings were real or figments of my lustful imagination . That wasn 't to say that I wouldn 't visit as much as possible . After finishing our meal , Josh talked about how he wanted to end my visit just as it had started . I was a little confused , but he asked me to follow him . He was at the door before I had a chance to question . I got up and followed him into the hallway . It was very quiet in the dormitory . He led me to the showers and I held back . He spoke in a normal tone . " No one will find us . There 's a homecoming celebration at the football field . Everyone is there . The place is empty . " With that he went inside , and I followed , my cock rising in my underwear . Once inside he immediately grabbed a hold of me and started kissing me . His hands explored my back , then moved over my butt . Our tongues darted between our mouths . My dick tented my underwear and poked at his waist . When we broke our kiss , he took off his t - shirt and quickly slipped off his underwear , and then dropped to his knees . His lips brushed against the tip of my waiting , covered cock , but he didn 't remain there . Instead he began kissing my thigh and running his tongue toward the leg hole of my briefs . As he moved closer and closer to my balls I was afraid that I wouldn 't last much longer . But he stopped and stood back up . " That is how much you turned me on the first time I saw you naked , " he said . " I thought I was going to lose my mind when I saw you in the shower and then afterward . " " Yes I am , but you made a new friend too . Remember ? " Upon saying that Marc came from out of the shadows . He was naked and stroking his hard dick . My boyfriend called me this morning at work and told me that he wanted me to meet him at a house party later that evening . He gave me the address and told me how he wanted me to dress . He liked me to wear provocative , revealing clothes when we were out at bars and parties . He liked showing me off and watching as other men reacted . As I got ready after work , my mind wandered to the night ahead . My boyfriend was always testing my limits , trying to see how far I would be willing to go . I couldn 't help but wonder what he had planned for tonight . When I arrived at the location my boyfriend had given me , I quickly grabbed a glass of champagne from a passing waiter and roamed through the people looking for my boyfriend . I spotted him on the far side of the crowded room , talking to a beautiful woman . I felt a pang of jealousy as I watched him smile and laugh at something the woman had said , with him being totally oblivious to my arrival . I tried to shake off the feeling as I slithered through the clusters of people , heading towards him . I hated feeling jealous but I couldn 't help it . I didn 't want any other women messing with my man ! It was ironic really , because I had sucked the cocks of most of his friends and they had licked , sucked and kissed just about every part of my body as well . But don 't misunderstand , I wasn 't cheating on him , I did it for him , at his request . He was always there and in full control of the situations . He liked to watch me suck cock , whether it was his own or someone else 's , but he would never let another man fuck me . He made it clear that my pussy was his and his alone to fuck . Halfway through the crowd , a group of men complimented me on my attire . Flattered , I did a slow three hundred and sixty degree turn so they could take a good look . I pushed the straps down off my bare shoulders revealing more of my cleavage , with my erect nipples poking their shape into the fabric of my top . I had on a mini skirt that was white and quite sheer . Under the skirt I wore a flesh colored thong and the effect was stunning . I completed my ensemble with black leather high heeled boots that hugged the contours of my legs like a second skin . Their roar of approval drew the attention of the people around them , including my boyfriend . I caught his gaze and he smiled at me as he motioned me to come to him . He led the two of us toward what he assumed were the bedrooms . His assumption proved to be correct and we stepped inside what looked to be the master suite . My boyfriend purposely left the door wide open , and I instantly moved toward the bed . The other woman climbed on the bed too and reached out and slid her hands under my loose fitting top while her mouth licked and nibbled on my exposed midriff . Josh had to go to class later in the afternoon . Although I had hoped we would stay in bed all day , it was also nice to spend some time alone . I reflected over the events of the past two days . I smiled at the memory of Josh and me in the showers starting our fun together . Then there was the pleasurable blowjob I had given to Carl behind the garage . Then , of course , there was Marc . My heart raced at the thought of him wearing my underwear , his mouth on my cock , and the wonderful sensation of his ass surrounding my dick as I fucked him . Marc was the first and only guy I had fucked . But even before we 'd had sex I felt a different kind of attraction to him . I hoped that he wasn 't upset about Josh and me spending the morning together . I wanted to stay close with Marc … I wanted to continue to see him . I wondered if Josh would mind including him in our sexual play . They had fucked too , so why not ? All of this passed through my mind as I showered . The showers were quite busy , but I was oblivious to those around me . When I had finished I returned to Josh 's room and dressed . I thought that I would spend a couple of hours exploring the campus . Before leaving , however , I noticed that Marc 's computer was on . I went over to see if I could access it to check my e - mail . Luckily , he didn 't have his computer password protected . When I opened the browser , out of curiosity I checked his bookmarks and found some gay sites . Towards the end of his bookmark list was a page titled " My Blog " . I clicked on it , and what loaded was an online journal Marc had been keeping . There was a list of entries , with the first one dated over two years ago . He had been in high school then . I was worried that Marc might come in while I was reading this , so I hit the print key and watched as page after page after page came out of the printer . It took nearly fifteen minutes to print the entire journal . When it was finally done , I closed the site , then deleted my browsing history so Marc wouldn 't know I had accessed his journal . After gathering up the pile of papers , I put them in my knapsack and , without even bothering to check my email , I left the room . I found out right away that the campus was in constant motion . There were so many people around that it was impossible to find a quiet place to sit and read Marc 's journal . In the end I decided to go to the library to find a private corner . On the first floor nearly all the chairs were filled , so I went to the elevator and took it to the sixth floor . There were fewer people there and I found a relatively private place to sit . I say relatively because I was probably about twenty feet from a couple who were studying together , mixed with some giggling on the girl 's part when her boyfriend would whisper things in her ear and touch her . But I wasn 't going to find any better place to sit . A new life began today . I have spent my life in near isolation , keeping others away from me , preferring to be alone . My dating experience is slim . I have kissed only two girls and I am almost seventeen . I have never touched a girl 's boobs or had sex with a girl . Strangely , I never even think about it . It 's not that I am disgusted by sex or girls , but having sex with the girls I know doesn 't seem comfortable to me . I thought one day I would get comfortable with girls , but it hasn 't happened . I think I found out why , today . I know I am taking a chance writing about this and putting it online . Although I know the Internet is so vast that the likelihood of someone stumbling upon my blog is very small ( It 's not like I advertise it , give the URL to people or share it ) , I still know I am taking a risk of exposing myself to my classmates and family . I suppose if this does happen it would be a good way to let those who are close to me know who I really am . So , my life truly started today . It totally happened by accident ( I think ) . I had been sick yesterday and had forgotten to get an assignment from Mr . Morgan , my English teacher . After school I remembered the missed assignment and went back to his classroom . It was empty , but I heard movement coming from Mr . Morgan 's office , which is connected at the back of the room . I made my way toward it . The door was closed , but not completely . There was a small crack between the door and door jam . I peered in and saw Mr . Morgan digging through the bottom of his desk drawer . His back was to me . I was going to knock , but the way he was searching made me a little curious as to what he was looking for . I decided to wait until he found it , then I would go in . Finally , Mr . Morgan pulled out a magazine from far back in the drawer . He opened it up and began leafing through it . As he did this he turned his chair to the side so that he was partially facing me . I could clearly see his face . He was smiling and licking his lips . Mr . Morgan is a pretty cool teacher . He gives us a lot of work , but is always cool about grading . No one ever failed his class . He is also pretty good looking for a guy in his thirties . He has short brown hair , bright blue eyes , and a trim body . It was strangely exciting watching him without his knowledge . I was able to really look him over . Then he held up the magazine and I could see the cover . It had a man in a leather outfit standing next to another guy in what looked like a ski mask . The man in leather held a chain that ended at a collar around the other guy 's neck . It was a gay magazine ! I couldn 't believe Mr . Morgan was gay . This was a good piece of gossip , but I realized I didn 't have anyone I would really tell it to . I continued to watch . Mr . Morgan was rubbing the front of his dress pants . He set the magazine down and opened his zipper . He pulled his dick out of his pants through his opened zipper , and it was hard ! I was stunned by how long and thick his dick was . It had to be at least eight inches long . Much bigger than mine . And there he was moving his hand over it . What surprised me the most was that my own dick was now hard in my pants . I wanted to pull mine out , too , but I had books in my hand and was afraid to move for fear of him hearing me . So I stayed still and just watched . As I read Marc 's words I started to become aroused . Although I was far enough from the giggling couple , I thought it would be best to be alone . I located the men 's room and went inside . It was empty , so I took the last stall . I pulled down my pants and sat down on the toilet . I continued to read : Mr . Morgan was beginning to sweat and moan . My dick was doing its best to tear through my underwear and jeans . It hurt like hell and I had to release it from its confines . As quietly as I could , I stepped back and set my books down on a desk in the last row . I moved just as quietly back to the door . Mr . Morgan 's hand was moving quickly over his hard dick now . I unzipped my jeans , reached inside and pulled out my own dick . I began copying his every motion . When he slowed down , I slowed down . When he quickened his pace , I followed . When he began pulling at his balls , I started pulling at my balls . My own cock was rock hard now and I started to imagine Marc 's encounter with his teacher . I anticipated Marc 's next move , hoping he would storm into the room and suck Mr . Morgan 's cock . I read on : I could tell Mr . Morgan was getting close to cumming . His moaning was getting a little louder and he was starting to grunt a little . Then a long string of cum flew from his dick and landed on the floor . Another smaller glob landed on his pants . The rest ran down the side of his dick . I also started to cum . Most of it ended up in my hand , but some remained on my dick . I had never done it before , but with no other option , I ate the cum from my hand and then wiped my hands on the back of my jeans before stuffing my dick back into them and zipping up . He greeted me pleasantly , but with noticeable nervousness . I asked for my assignments and he got them together quickly . As he was doing it I noticed the magazine still on his desk . He caught me looking at it and his eyes got wide . I just smiled at him , and then he handed me the assignments . " Thanks , Mr . Morgan , " I said , took another glance down at the magazine and then left his office and his classroom . This was the end of the first entry . I flipped through a few more of the pages and saw Mr . Morgan 's name throughout several of them . I hoped there was more to their encounter . I was going to jerk off , but I heard someone come in . Whomever they were , they moved down toward my stall and ended up right on the other side of the door . They stayed there for a few seconds , then went to the stall right before mine . It was very odd . It was only then , drawing my eyes away from my reading material for the first time that I noticed a hole in the wall of the stall where the toilet paper holder should have been . To quote a classic song by The Monks , " I don 't like Mondays . " Having to head back to work after the weekend always sucked . That alone was enough to make anyone dislike Mondays , but , for me , some sucked more than others , as I had to occasionally start the week earlier than usual . And this was one of those Mondays - I had to be at work for 7 : 30am ! I work in Manhattan and live in the ass - end of Brooklyn , which meant I had to leave the house at 6 : 00am . Blech ! Usually , when I have to go in that early , I catch some sleep on the train if I 'm sitting , or read if I 'm standing . As ( bad ) luck would have it , I found myself standing . As usual , the train picked up tons of people at each stop , and by the time it hit Myrtle Avenue ( one of the big transfer stations ) , the car was pretty full . This no longer afforded me the room to read . Normally that would have pissed me off a bit and made the start to my dreaded Monday morning that much worse , but suddenly I didn 't mind . I was standing in the corner , right by the connecting door , with my side to it , and right in front of me now was a fucking god ! This guy would be enough to grab anyone 's attention ! He was a really handsome guy , in his mid to late twenties , and , judging by the size of his basket , nicely hung . Taking comfort in that piece of knowledge , I became more relaxed and really began to concentrate on feeling up his hard cock through his pants , and then , the next thing I knew , he was pulling down my zipper ! He then reached into my pants and very casually pulled my stiff dick out through my fly . I took another nervous look around , only to find once again that no one had any clue or visual path to what we were doing . It was early . Very early . Too damned early for the alarm clock . What 's more , it was Sunday . Was I so wiped out last night that I set the alarm when I flopped into bed ? Sheesh ! It 's not the alarm , it 's the door buzzer ! Who 'd be ringing that at - - what is it ? - - 9 : 30 on a Sunday morning ? I bet Allison locked herself out again . Living in a brownstone means being a good neighbor or being a shit . Stumbling a bit in my hung - over state , I hit the buzzer to open the front door to the building and grabbed a robe so that I could offer at least the appearance of modesty when saying " Hi ! " to Allison . She might even feel guilty enough to go get a paper for me , too . Before I could slam the door , though , he bounded into view on the landing . Alone and unchaperoned , an unusual state . And proof of God 's good taste in children : Golden blond hair , cut short around the sides in an endearingly outdated style , cornflower blue eyes , engaging grin , slender body under an ill - fitting suit . Shades of blue and grey very flattering , though . And the tie , crooked and not quite tight around the buttoned collar . The sun streaming through the windows glinted on his hair and seemed to re - charge his godly batteries . " Days like this make me feel so close to the Lord ! His creation all aglow in the light of His blessed sun . ' Consider the lilies of the field : they toil not neither do they spin , ' yet they bring us joy every day . You can see the power of the Lord every time you look out the window . " This rap continued while I went into the kitchen to fix the coffee . His voice had the kind of Midwestern twang you don 't often hear in the city , and a certain breathy quality that would sound great whispered across a pillow . Best of all , he spoke with that preacher 's cadence that just picks you up and carries you along . " ' Seek and ye shall find . Ask and ye shall receive . Knock and it shall be opened unto you ! ' The Bible tells us that salvation is ours for the asking . Will you come with me and ask ? " As I puttered around the kitchen , the robe I hadn 't bothered to tie firmly came undone . I was getting distinctly turned on by his voice , and I wanted him to keep talking . " You make it sound very appealing , " I called out . " Are you one of the champion soul - savers ? " " Saving souls isn 't a contest ! " He was properly indignant , but a bit proud , too . " It 's a duty of every Christian to prepare all men of good will for the judgment to come . And women , too ! We 're all brothers and sisters and we should reach out to one another in , uh … " he paused and then finished , " love . " He must have just spotted the Village Voice on the coffee table . Wonder what he makes of my copy of Honcho sitting right next to it ? " There 's a wonderful article here on discovering the Lord , " he was saying in a loud voice , apparently assuming that I was still in the kitchen . " I can leave this here for you to . . . " Turning around , he found my groin at eye - level . " Daddy , how could you ! ? " Annette continued and fled the room . Victor followed her , a puzzled look on his earnest blond - cropped hair above the field - green uniform . So I 'd stuck my foot in my mouth again . Shit ! I had come to town for the weekend to meet my daughter 's new boyfriend . I was trying to be gay and a father to a now - adult daughter . Everyone says , when they grow up you have to stop being their parent and start being their friend . Well , I 'd just tried that with her new boyfriend , expressing my appreciation at how he was six foot two inches tall , with a wide set of shoulders and slim hips and a basket that filled out even those slouchy green fatigues he was wearing so . . . oh , my God , that boy must have a huge cock in there ! And his face , wide and honest and innocent and kind . Make a joke ? Hell , I 'd just said the first thing on my lips was all . " Call me Hal , " I said . " My friends all do . When I hear the name ' Harold , ' it means I 'm in trouble for my big mouth again . " " Yes , I was , " I said . " My daughter says that my mouth just keeps flapping long after everyone else is getting tired of hearing it , and I say things without thinking and end up making everything worse the longer I talk and . . . " I trailed off , sheepishly . " I 'm doing it again , aren 't I ? " I followed that so - tight , rounded set of butt cheeks as they began to wobble up and down as he went upstairs . Oh , god , if I could stick my tongue between those cheeks … Shaking my head , I went to apologize to Annette . " What 's the difference ? " I asked . " An orange blushing versus an orange playing the sun going down behind the hills . Sounds the same to me . " " You keep out of this ! " Marsha said to me . " Come on honey , we 'll go shopping and find you your lipstick and then we 'll come back and fix these two baboons something to eat . " I saw them out the door . What was it I had to do now ? Oh yeah , Victor ! He wanted to talk to me privately about something or other . He seemed like an old - fashioned kind of guy , maybe he wanted to ask for my daughter 's hand in marriage . It would explain why my unorthodox but positive response to him was why he wanted to talk to me , but not need an apology for me basically raping him with my eyes . So I went to my daughter 's bedroom with a pretty positive outlook . I found Victor pacing about nervously . I figured for certain that he was about to ask me the question regarding my daughter 's hand , and the ownership thereof being transferred from me to him . " Well , it 's kind of about … that is … I wanted to … well … I wanted to ask you … if … " Victor started nervously and then stopped . " You would ? " Victor 's face lit up and a grin nearly split it right in two . " God , that 's great , just great ! " " You think so ? " Victor 's eyes showed confusion . Then he shook his head and said , " You know her better than me , but I 'd think she 'd be the last one who would want to know . " Jake and I first met when he came to work at my office a little over ten months ago . The fact that he was an extremely handsome and masculine man was obvious to everyone , even if he never overtly impressed it upon another , even casually , and his overbearing masculinity made it difficult for me to conceal my obvious weakness for his sexual charm . It didn 't help that part of his job overlapped with mine and we met at my cramped cubicle once or twice every day , where he would assist me in my editing task . Even so , I couldn 't help the desire I felt , and the last ten months had been tortuous . Every single time he came to my cubicle that desire boiled and bordered on the danger of his being molested by me . My energies became more focused on the task of keeping my emotions under control whenever I was around him rather than on my actual work . It was a Friday , and as I got to my car I realized that I had left my flash drive in my office . I would need it , as I had a bit of work to catch up on before Monday , so I headed back inside to retrieve it . I had worked about half an hour past quitting time , so the place was empty , or so I assumed . While approaching Jake 's cubicle on my way to my own , I heard whispers and , as I came to pass the side of it , I heard him more clearly and stopped dead in my tracks , with my mouth gaping . What I was hearing was a whispered , shockingly explicit , sexual conversation between Jake and some unknown person on the telephone . There seemed to be an element of something remotely familiar in what I heard . " Mmm , yeah , " the ' voice ' moaned . " I 'm running my tongue in circles on your balls . Now I 'm running the tip of my tongue slowly up your shaft to your cockhead . I 'm taking the head in my mouth and now I 'm sliding my mouth down over the shaft . I 'm going lower and lower , taking your entire cock right down to the … " " Well I … uh … I 'm really more into just getting a quick load off on the phone with a stranger before bed . That 's why I always call at this time , so I can get off with you before I go to sleep . " " I can 't , " the ' voice ' said sounding very nervous . " I 'm married and have to be discreet , and only hook up with guys that I meet in places like public restrooms and stuff . You know , just some quick , anonymous action , knowing I will never see them again . " Of course , I knew why he was so hesitant . He had no idea that I knew it was him on the other end of the phone , and if he came over , then he would have to reveal his identity to me , along with his secret : that he liked to suck dick . If that happened , I 'm sure he 'd be worried I might tell some people around the office and then it might get back to his wife . However , I had already fully planned for the likelihood that he might not want to come over and reveal himself to me , and so I put that part of my plan into motion . " Hey I understand , " I said . " But I really want a real blowjob , not just a spoken one , and I want you to do it , so , tell you what , to make things easier , why don 't we do this ? I will give you my address and leave my front door unlocked . I 'll tell you on the phone how to find my bedroom , where you will find me on my bed , totally naked , with a throbbing hard - on , and a pillowcase over my head . You just walk in , suck my dick , make me cum , and then just take off . That way you get the opportunity to get some cock , and I get a hot blowjob , without either of us being able to see who the other is , so it will be totally anonymous . " " Great ! " I said excitedly , a broad smile forming across my face , and my cock achingly hard at the realization that my plan was actually working , and that I was actually going to get to have sex with Jake . " You got a pen and paper to write down my address and directions ? " When I arrived home there was a message on my voicemail from Sean saying that he needed to see me , left the address where he wanted me to meet him , and said that I needed to be there by 3 : 30pm or it would be too late . Click - - end of message . Looking at my watch , it was heading towards that time already , so I hurriedly made my way to the destination he had given , wondering what was going on . When I arrived , I looked at the note in my hand where I had written the address and then compared it to what was posted on the building . 8412 Jefferson Street . Yes , this was the right place . It was a retail store of some sort that was not open for business yet . Sean was a contractor , and I knew he was currently working on some sort of renovation job , but the store was dark inside . If this was where he was working , why were there no lights on inside ? Why were there no sounds of saws and tools emanating from the store ? Sean had been so enigmatic on the phone , but why would he ask me to meet him here when no one appeared to be here ? I tried the door and it opened . I poked my head in . My eyes were blinded by the transition from the bright light of the outdoors to the darker unlit indoors . " Hello , anyone here ? " " You … you jerk ! That wasn 't the least bit funny ! " I was fuming at his little joke , but God , that smile of his was a killer . It turned his face into that of a mischievous young boy . . . almost . . . if the boy had been blessed with the muscled body of a Greek God and a coif of jet black hair that begged you to run your fingers through it . I could never stay mad at him when he flashed me that grin , and he knew it ! " The rest of the guys are on another job . This place is almost done . I 'm just doing some finishing touches , like trim work and stuff , so the store can get set up in time for the Grand Opening , " Sean said motioning at some of the store 's boxed stock and display units that were scattered about . " But it 's a one man job . " " Keeps it cooler . Air conditioning is not turned on yet . Owner is a cheap bastard and won 't put it on until the store opens . The lights are halogens and hot as hell without any air conditioning . Window gives enough light for what I 'm doing , " he said , pointing at the large picture window next to the door . " I see . So why am I here ? " I asked . " What was so urgent that you needed me to come by your job site at exactly 3 : 30 ? " " Who said it was a joke ? " Sean grinned . " Since I 'm all alone here , I thought it would be hot to have you come by and give me a blowjob . It would be so hot , to do it here , don 't you think ? " I looked at Sean . We 'd met through a mutual friend about three months ago during the summer , and hit it off immediately . We started dating two weeks after we met . The entire summer had been a madcap , sexual adventure . Sean was a sexual dynamo , and most of our sexual encounters were in his bed , but just a month ago we fucked out on the balcony of his apartment . He fucked me with me leaning onto the balcony 's edge , looking out over the street below . The balcony was solidly enclosed up to waist high , and the street was deserted that late , but if anyone in the building across the street and higher up than us had looked out the window they would have been able to see us ! Doing it out on the balcony and possibly being seen made me nervous , but it turned Sean on so much , and it showed in the fucking he gave me . So , after him wanting to do that , his asking us to have sex in this store wasn 't too off - the - wall . Being that we were in a store that wasn 't open yet , allowing us total privacy , I didn 't mind giving him what he wanted , so I looked at Sean and grinned . " That might be kind of exciting . Where 's the storeroom ? " " But . . . but . . . " I was stammering because while the store was closed , there was that big picture window and a sidewalk that ran right in front of it . " What if someone looks inside ? " I asked him . " Uh . . . no , " I said slowly . It 's just that doing it on a balcony at night in the dark is one thing … " I looked at the window again , " but I don 't feel comfortable doing it out here in the open , in view of this window , in the middle of the day . " " Come on , Julie , " Sean said as he waggled his cock at me . " Nobody is paying the place any mind . Why would anyone stop and look through the window anyway ? C ' mon Jules , suck it for me ! Get down on your knees and suck this big dick ! You know you want to . " A wide teasing grin was spread across his face . God , he had a beautiful cock on him . Just seeing it made me practically drool , and I wanted it . Still , I hesitated with some uneasiness about our surroundings . Sean put his hand on my shoulder and moved my position as he too moved . He had now aimed us so we were sideways to the window . That made me nervous , but when Sean said " Suck me ! " my desire far outweighed any nervousness I was feeling . Opening my mouth , I let it enter and then began to give my boyfriend the blowjob he so desired . " Oh yeah ! That 's it . Mmm , feels so good baby . Oh , yeah , suck me ! " Sean urged . " A woman just stopped in front of the window and is looking at the display ! " Sean announced only a minute or so later . I started to pull off him but his hand quickly fell to the back of my head , keeping my mouth firmly planted on his cock . " God , it is turning me on so much ! Fuck , I hope she looks up and sees what we are doing ! Suck it , Jules , suck it ! Don 't stop ! I want her to get a good show if she does look . " " Two girls just slowed down by the window … shit , they kept walking ! Fuck , why couldn 't they have stopped and looked through it ! " Jeff grumbled , and then he gasped . " The one girl just motioned to her friend and they 're coming over to the window ! " Sean said excitedly . " They 're looking at the stuff on display ! " Yes ! They 're looking up ! " I tightened my lips on his cock and slid it all the way down my throat , trying to hide my face from view in his crotch . " Ah shit , they 're walking away . " Sean groaned , and I breathed a sigh of relief . " Oh god , a guy just stopped to look at the window display ! " Sean said excitedly a few minutes later , and his dick felt like it got even harder in my mouth as he spoke the words . The guy at the window was all the aphrodisiac he needed , his oblivious looking at the items in the window display , not knowing a guy was getting his dick sucked by his girlfriend just beyond him . " Uhhh ! " Sean groaned and threw his head back . " Fuck yeah , Jules ! Suck that cock … Shit he 's leaving ! That guy hung around so long , I thought for sure he was going to see us , " Sean whined , and then he reached down to me and said , " Stand up , baby . " " All those people stopped and no one saw a thing . No one will see . Please Julie , please ! Coming so close to being seen has me so turned on that now I just gotta fuck your tight pussy ! Right here , right now ! Please ! " " Fine ! " Sean agreed reluctantly . I knew he would agree because , like most guys , he wasn 't going to pass up the chance to slip his dick inside a pussy no matter what . Once I had , Sean got between my legs and spread them apart . Instead of mounting me and jamming his cock in me , he shoved his face between my legs and started eating my pussy . Now , I 'm no whore , but I 've had my fair share of guys and the one thing I loved about Sean was that he knew how to eat pussy better than any other guy I 'd been with . And , unlike a lot of guys who just did it because they felt they had to , Sean absolutely loved to do it .

Tag : tale The Island Girls April 19 , 2017 cecilecristofariLeave a comment I posted this story a few years ago on melimuses , a Livejournal community created after the publication of Amal El - Mohtar 's The Honey Month . One of the challenges was to write stories , in the spirit of pastiche , inspired by various sorts of honey . I thought of a rare sort of honey made from the flowers of arbutus trees , trees with clusters of white flowers and red berries that grow around the Mediterranean . Having recently come back from a holiday in the place this story references , I wanted to put it back up . It is loosely inspired by a legend about the islands in Hyères , or Golden Islands , although I have no idea how ancient this ' legend ' actually is . Pirates from Greece and Barbary often swooped on the kingdom , yet the king let his daughters swim in the high sea , alone . His warriors liked to watch them from their ships , glittering like nereids , and hoped to catch a peek of their naked breasts , yet the king let them swim . It was said that the maidens could swim so fast that their hair turned into seaweed and their arms into foam , and if you tried to catch them your hands would close on sea water , and you would only hear their laugh . One day the king heard bells , and saw foreign sails on the horizon . He ran to the shore and heard his daughters playing . The enemy sails were approaching and he called out to them , Swim back ! They dove into the waves and darted to the shore . They were so far , the ships so close . And what king believes folk legends about seaweed and invisible girls ? So he prayed that the gods would spare his daughters ' honour . And all the time they swam , desperately . One , the fastest of all , was almost touching the shore . But her father prayed on . Soon the gods heard him : for the honour of a king 's daughters , they can be moved to act . One by one the girls froze . They swelled and rose in the waves , their bodies breaking , screaming in agony , engulfing the pirates ' ships in their death of rocks and salt . For they were dying ; and the swiftest one gave one last cry to her father and clung to the shore and her arms turned to sand , and her pleading tears gathered in a bitter pool between them . They 're maidens still , stranded in the deep sea . But they grew fruitful : like Daphne gave men her laurel leaves and Arethusa her sweet waters , their rocky limbs bore myrtles and arbutus trees . Summer or winter , they flower , green and fragrant with pines , shrub oaks and heather , and centuries have made them drowsy and appeased . Yet how could they forget how their father prayed on , when they called to him for mercy ? How he gave up their lives while his warriors feasted in the port ? The gods made the arbutus trees bloom with chaste white bells in their honour , every spring . But the islands couldn 't forget , and when the flowers turned to fruit , their berries were prickly , hard and tart , and bright red , like the blood the maidens never got to shed . So the gods sent the bees and told them to turn the flowers into the whitest , sweetest honey they could make . But the bees knew how the maidens had been wronged , and thought that men shouldn 't forget . They harvested the thick white honey so the gods would be pleased , honey whose first taste was sweet on the tongue . Only after came the bitterness : a choking taste like poison , coating the throat , stinging the palate , yet mingled with such delicious softness that it is impossible not to taste it again , and again , until it is so bitter that the eyes fill with tears and the throat contracts into speechlessness , so strong is the taste of grief long forgotten , so pungent it made even the gods cry . Tagged hyeres , sea , tale Time and Tim March 9 , 2017 cecilecristofariLeave a comment I missed Tell A Fairy Tale Day this year , being away at the time , but there was a story I did want to include here . This is a tale my father used to tell us when we were children , and his birthday seemed like a good opportunity to publish it here ( or at least , publish what I remember of it ! ) . So , happy birthday , dad . Once upon a time , there was a kingdom renowned for the fertility of its land and the depth of its forests . Beeches , willows and hazels sheltered myriads of birds and deer , birches swayed their branches between neatly - tilled fields , and the most prized possession a farmer could boast was a centuries - old oak tree . It was a country that never knew hunger , because even when wheat ran out , there would always be acorns and chestnuts to harvest . People there loved trees , and the king most of all . The king was a kind man , whose only regret had been his inability to father a child . But even that blessing came in the end , and after half a century , he became the proud father of a baby boy . Prince Tim grew up as one of the most beloved boys in the kingdom . There were some who said that the king 's kind - hearted nature was doing him a disservice , and that he doted a little too much on his only child . Indeed , the boy soon became known for throwing tantrums if his every whim was not immediately obeyed , and the king never ceased to invent ways to satisfy him . It was a shame , some people said , that such a lovely prince should turn into a spoiled child . One thing Tim loved most of all was to go on long rides with his father across the forests surrounding the castle . He loved hearing birds sing and watch the play of light through the leaves . One day , when he was six , Tim told his father : His father was overjoyed that his son had inherited his love of trees . He rode through the forest until he found a tall , strong oak tree which bore many acorns . He picked a handful of the fullest , heaviest ones , and took his son to the park by the palace . There , he dug a hole in the ground , right under the bedroom window . It would have been a good time for the king to realise that his little boy still had many things to learn . But he could not stand to see his lip trembling , his eyes welling up . So he took Tim in his lap , soothed him , and said : At last , Tim stopped crying . His father sighed and sent for his best gardeners . As soon as Tim was in bed , a team was dispatched to the beautiful oak tree he had taken the acorns from . They dug it from the ground and planted it under Tim 's window , as silently as they could , leaving a big black gap in the forest where the tree should have been . When Tim woke up , he threw the shutters open and squealed in delight . All day , he played at being a forest elf , shooting arrows from the branches of his new oak tree . He did not thank his father , but the king did not mind : seeing his little boy 's happiness was thanks enough . The gardeners shook their heads and went on with their work . The king sighed , but there was no distracting Tim from this new obsession . So at night , he went back to the orchard with a team of gardeners , paid off the farmer and uprooted the apple tree to plant it under Tim 's window . It pained him to see the sad look on the farmer 's face when his tree was taken away , but his son 's happiness soon made him forget about it . A few months later , Tim decided that he wanted a weeping willow by the brook that ran near the palace . Then he wanted two rows of elderly cypresses to bring shade to the alley he liked playing in . Then he asked his father for a grove of orange trees , then almond trees to blossom before winter was over , then cherry trees to blossom in the spring . Then he wanted rowans and elders because he liked to watch the birds feeding on the shiny berries . Then he wanted pine trees and cedars , to fill his lungs with their scent in summer . The king did try to take him to the forest more often , to teach him to enjoy trees where they stood . But this was not enough for Tim . Soon enough , the forest itself was depleted of its finest trees , and even the king found it too depressing to go there and stare at the trenches and muddy gaps his gardeners had torn into the ground . ' Please , father , give me a horse ! I want to see the kingdom ! Everybody says it 's so beautiful , and we have all the prettiest trees in the world ! ' So Tim rode out of the park for the first time in years . He felt like the happiest man in the world , and could not understand why the servants around him looked so glum and said so little . He sang songs to cheer them up , but they only sang a few lines with him , unconvinced . Annoyed , he decided to ride ahead on his own . Soon he came to a spot where a dirty hole gaped in the ground , full of rotting roots and gravel . He frowned . The park around the palace was so well - kept ! He made a mental note to ask his father to send gardeners to that unsightly place . An hour later , his horse almost stumbled into another ugly trench . Really , was that how his father 's subject treated their land ? And not a tree in sight , only brambles and sickly saplings ! As he rode on , he was first perplexed , then dismayed . The land looked the same everywhere . Where were the venerable trees the country was famous for ? It was not a paradise , it was a wasteland ! Had he been lied to all these years ? The servants did not seem surprised , but they only muttered vague answers when he asked . How could they not be distressed ? Was he the only one to see ? After a whole day of wandering , he glimpsed dark branches swaying in the setting sun behind a hilltop . He spurred his horse . Just as the night fell , he arrived at a small , secluded farm . There at last , over the thatched roof , hung the branches of a magnificent poplar tree . ' Keep your money , ' the woman said . ' You can sleep in the barn if you like , but I will not sell you anything . And tell the king I 'm keeping my tree . ' ' I must have taken you for someone else . Apologies , my lord . The barn is this way , and there is fresh straw in the stable . You 're welcome to it . ' ' Ah , this , ' the woman replied , frowning again . ' It 's that cursed prince Tim again , and no offence , my lord . We had a beautiful birch growing here , but his men took it away . Not forcibly , no ! ' she hastily added , seeing the shock on Tim 's face . ' They paid us well . My husband took their money , fool that he is . He 's not hearing the end of it , but what good will it do now ? It will take decades to grow a tree like this one , we will be lucky if our grandchildren see it ! ' What sort of tree takes decades to grow ? Tim almost asked , but a little voice told him to keep quiet . A slow , horrible realisation started dawn on him . Of course the woman told the truth . How could he have imagined that a tree as big as a house could appear in a night ? So that was how his father had tried to please him : by uprooting every beautiful tree in the kingdom to plant near the palace ! And he had taken it all for granted , and played in the park without realising the hurt he had caused ! Tim could not bear it . Before the sun rose , he saddled his horse and took of on his own , leaving the whole bag of gold before the woman 's front door . He rode and rode , seeking the remotest , most overgrown paths , the ones where his father 's men had not yet gone to look for new trees to give him . Little by little , the path grew steeper and wilder . Now the forests were whole again , and they were dark , full of dead wood and treacherous roots . The horse stumbled several times , until Tim took pity of him and tied him to a hard gnarled trunk . He carried on on foot . Hours later , he thought he was lost for good . Suddenly he stumbled upon a clearing , and he almost fell to his knees with wonder . There stood the tallest , widest , most magnificent oak tree he had ever seen . Its roots had to sink to the centre of the earth . The ground underneath was mossy and soft , cooler than the coolest shade in the park around the palace . ' Oh , a thousand years old at least . My great - grand - father used to play in the hollow of the trunk when he was a child . Do you like it ? ' A thousand years old . Tim felt tears sting his eyes and fought them down . Even if he wanted to , he would never be able to see a tree like this one in his park . Not unless he called a whole team of workers to uproot it and plant it under his window . Time . Yes , Tim needed more time than he would ever have . So he sat down under the tree and stopped thinking , only gazed at the light playing in the branches for hours and hours and hours . Tim thanked him and walked back to his horse , and rode all the way back to the castle . There , his father waited in anguish . The servants had told him they could not find his son anywhere . Seeing Tim 's disquiet , his face fell , as if he braced himself for another tantrum . Tim threw his arms around him and hugged him without a word , for a long , long time . Then he searched the park for a spot with just enough sun and the right sort of soil . There , he buried a handful of acorns , poured a little water , and made a circle of stones to mark the place . His father walked up to him and asked him what he was doing . ' I 've met an old man who lived under the most incredible tree , ' he replied . ' No , I don 't want you to get it for me , ' he added , seeing apprehension on his father 's face . ' I just want to see if I can ever grow one . ' Today Tim is an old man with a white beard of his own . Whenever he finds the time , he takes long rides through the kingdom , planting seeds and talking with farmers about the best ways to graft a sapling , or prune an apple - tree without hurting it . He is a beloved king and a doting grandfather . But the thing he likes most of all is to sit in the shade of a tall oak tree that grows in a corner of the park around his palace . It is neither the biggest nor the oldest tree there , and Tim knows that although it may live to a thousand years , he will never see it . But it does not matter to him . Every day , he takes his grandchildren there with him , and they sit together in the shade of the tree , and he tells them stories of the birds that nest there and the squirrels that squabble in the branches . I had plenty of story books when I grew up . Some of the stories stuck with mefor longer than others , sometimes for reasons I didn 't realise at the time . The grandfather who made trees bloom is a very simple tale , but underneath the surface , there is so much going on - about grief , moving on , happiness and happy endings - that I couldn 't resist expanding on it a little bit . You can probably see at which point the story becomes mine . That 's the part of the story that played in my head between the lines , as soon as I was old enough to realise why this story intrigued me so much . Once upon a time there lived a grandfather and a grandmother . Well , ' Grandfather ' and ' Grandmother ' is what the people affectionately called them , because they had no children . This was their only regret in life ; as for the rest , they were quite satisfied , even if there wasn 't always much food on the table and the roof was leaky sometimes . One winter day the grandfather went into the forest to cut some firewood . It was a cold winter , so there was very little usable wood left , and he wasn 't strong enough to fell a whole tree by himself . In the end he decided to cut chips from an old tree stump . But as soon as the axe hit the stump , it parted into , and out of it leapt a tiny white dog . The puppy slipped on the snowy ground , fumbled around and ran to the old man , wagging its tail and making big happy eyes at him . The grandfather 's heart melted at once . He took the little dog in his arms to protect him against the cold ( he instinctively knew that it was him , not it ) and ran back home before the little critter got hungry . The grandfather could not agree more , and it was plain that the puppy agreed , too . So they kept him with them . Through the winter , the puppy grew bigger and stronger , and in a few months he had become a large , healthy white dog , who was always well - behaved , never barked unduly at neighbours and always brought the grandfather safely home when he had to stay in the forest after dark . They were very happy . The next winter , however , food grew even scarcer than usual . Throwing out the dog and letting him fend for himself was out of the question , so the grandmother just sighed whenever her stomach rumbled as she had to divide the food into three portions . But one day , when the grandfather called the dog for their daily trip to the forest , the dog replied : ' Grandfather , don 't take your axe today . Take a shovel and ask Grandmother to pack some food for you . We 're going to the mountain . ' The grandfather had never thought about it . But of course it was right : had they not always understood each other perfectly , with nothing more than a hello , a little wag of the tale , a pat between the ears ? He beamed at the dog . Up then went , and up and up and up . It was not long before the grandfather was the one who panted hardest . So the dog stopped and told him : So the grandfather rode on the dog 's back all the way to the top . When they arrived , he split the grandmother 's victuals and they shared a scant feast . Then the dog told him to get his shovel and dig . One , two , three , and the fourth time the shovel hit the dirt , it clanked against something hard . The grandfather bent and was astonished to retrieve from the earth a antique golden plate , a very heavy one . ' Why would you thank me ? You keep me fed and warm and I 'm very happy with you , because I love you two . Come on , let 's go tell grandmother ! ' The grandmother was overjoyed . In the city , they would be able to sell the plate for a good price , and then they wouldn 't have to worry for the rest of the winter . In fact , the plate impressed a local merchant so much that he gave them enough money to buy food and fix their leaky roof . They celebrated that night , eating lovely rice balls and drinking fine rice wine , and the sounds of their laughter and joy was so much that their neighbour wondered what was going on and came down to see for himself . Unlike the grandfather and the grandmother , this neighbour was not a good man . He was well - off , but never offered any help to anyone , and more than once he had teased the grandfather and grandmother who chose to feed a useless dog when they should have cast him out long ago . How surprised was he when he discovered that they were eating fine food inside their newly - thatched house ! He put on his best smile and offered congratulations . The grandfather welcomed him and offered him some wine . ' It 's all thanks to the dog , you know ! Such a clever lad . Who knows how he knew about it , but he led me to a treasure in the mountain . Now we have enough food to last us all winter ! Isn 't that wonderful ? ' ' Oh yes , yes it is , ' the neighbour said . He kept smiling , but the smile strained his face and his stomach curled with envy . ' Say , grandfather , wouldn 't you let me borrow your dog , just once ? I need to to get some firewood , and you know the forest is not safe after dark . ' The dog looked a the grandfather for a long time , but he said nothing . He was a good dog . He would help the neighbour , even if he had a bad , bad feeling about this man . The next day , the neighbour came to fetch the dog . But instead of going to the forest , he headed straight for the mountain . When he got ther , he jumped on the dog 's back and slapped his sides hard . The dog yelped in pain , but the man shouted : The dog had no choice but move ahead . After a while he stopped . The neighbour took out his lunch and wolfed it down without leaving a single scrap for the dog . Then he barked : The dog stubbornly sat on his hind quarters and said nothing . Irritated , the neighbour started digging . He dug and dug and dug , but all he could find was an old pot full of rubbish . Enraged , he threw it , as hard as he could , at the dog 's head . Then he went back home on foot , alone . He never looked back twice . He never cared a bit that out there in the mountain , the dog lay still and never followed him . ' Oh , that useless animal ? He made a fool of me . There was no treasure up there . Well , if he hasn 't come back , it means I killed him , I suppose . Good riddance . ' The grandfather 's heart broke . He ran to the mountain and called for hours , until he found the poor dog lying with his head broken . He wept , but it was too late . All he could do was bring him nack and bury him next to the house . They were very sad , the grandmother and him , but what could they do ? There was wood to cut and a home to tend to . When the spring came back a tree grew on the dog 's grave , and their hearts lightened a bit , because they had a reminder of their beloved dog , the only child they ever had to ease their old age . The grandfather loved to take naps under the tree . Sometimes he dreamed of the dog , and in the dreams , the dog stirred as he carried him down from the mountain and it always seemed that the wound on his head was not so serious after all . The dreams broke his heart a little every time . And then he had to get up and carry on cutting wood and talking about little things with the grandmother . After all , they had managed all this time , poor and childless . They could manage a bit longer . Winter came again . They had long spend the money from the treasure , and food was hard to come by again . One chilly day , the grandfather sat under the tree , and he fell asleep . In his dreams , as usual , the dog came to him . But this was no ordinary dream . The dog looked at him and spoke clearly : ' Grandfather , the tree is big enough now . You need to cut it and make a mortar and pestle from the biggest part of the trunk . Trust me . ' The grandfather woke with his heart racing . What vision was this ? He knew , he was certain that he could trust his dog . He took his axe , and worked all day , carving a beaufitul mortar and pestle from the wood . The grandmother gaped at him when she saw what he had done . But she didn 't discuss the dog 's instructions . She took the mortar and started pounding a little leftover rice . But as soon as the pestle hit , there was twice as much rice in the mortar , and when she pounded again , the mortar overflowed . Soon she had to stop pounding , or the kitchen would have been smothered under a tide of delicious , fragrant rice ! But their neighbour walked past their house again , and heard them feast and rejoice . He didn 't like hearing people rejoice . It was unnatural to him , and he always wondered what reason they had to be happy that he didn 't have . So he greeted them with his best - looking smile . The grandmother showed him the mortar , and explained that the dog was still helping them from beyond the grave . The heart of good people is a beautiful thing , always big enough for love , always too small for rancour . They hadn 't forgotten what had happened to their dog , but they assumed it must have been an accident - if people can die for the most mundane reasons , why wouldn 't dogs ? So they gave him the mortar . The neighbour thanked them casually , but deep inside he started counting the fortune he would make selling all the rice the mortar would create . He stormed home and barked at his wife to start pounding some rice , and fast . But as soon as the pestle hit , suddenly there was only have as much rice in the mortar as before . She pounded again , and half the rice disappeared . If she hadn 't stopped , soon there wouldn 't have been a single grain left . The neighbour was enraged . He tossed the mortar into the fire . Soon there was nothing left but ashes . When the grandfather came to ask for his mortar back , he told him : ' Grandfather , go get some of the ashes from the mortar and prepare for a trip to the city . Sprinkle some ashes on the trees near the princes ' palace . You 'll see what happens ! ' He woke up brutally and sprang to his feet , almost laughing out loud . His dog was still with him ! Even though the tree was cut and the mortar was burned , he still talked to him ! He could barely wait until dawn . At first light , he went to his neighbour 's house . He said he needed to get some ashes from the mortar and braced himself for the mocking remarks that inevitably came . The old man had bothered himself with a disloyal dog , a tree that had threatened to throw down the house and a ridiculous mortar , if he now wanted to treasure some ashes , it was his own problem ! The grandfather thanked him anyway and went to town . Once he was near the prince 's palace , he sprinkled the ashes into the wind . What a wonderful sight ! As soon as the ashes touched the trees , myriad of lovely pink flowers blossomed . Passers - by stopped and gaped , and the grandfather himself couldn 't close his mouth . But the most surprising was yet to come ! A voice called him from the castle , and ordered him in the presence of the prince . The grandfather was so scared he barely dared to move . Perhaps the prince didn 't like flowers ? But the servants smiled and some even bowed to him . They brought him where he had never imagined he would ever go , inside the castle and into the prince 's own presence . ' So you can make trees blossom in the middle of winter ? What a strange thing , what a wonder . I do love flowers and my wife does too . I want to thank you for what you did . ' ' A small token of my gratitude . Now this talent of yours will be veru useful . You see , I am preparing for war , and no soldiers like to fight in the middle of winter . But if they see the trees blossom before them , think about how they will feel ! They will see that even the order of nature bows to my claim ! They will march for me and crush our ennemies by surprise ! What a boon , what a blessing ! Now you will become part of my court . You will come with me to war as my herald . What a great idea . We should march tomorrow . ' ' My lord , I am undeserving of such an honour . I barely dare to lay my request at your feet . My wife doesn 't know I am here , she is just a poor grandmother from the mountain . She will never imagine that you have done me such a favour . She will be terrified if I don 't come back home . May I go home and tell her ? ' The grandfather practically ran out of the city . In his hands he held the beautiful robes . What had he done ? War ! There would be a terrible war , and all that was because of him ! Couldn 't he be content with the parting gifts his dog had given him already ? What would he do now ? Surely the prince would be terribly angry if he didn 't show up in the morning , and he would go to war anyway ! What was he to do ? He went to bed , praying for a dream that would advise him . He had trouble finding sleep , but in the end the exhaustion got the better of him . He slept uneasily , but at last , the dog appeared to him . The dog still said nothing . And that was when the grandfather understood . His dog wouldn 't speak to him , because he was dead and buried . You should never try to bring the dead back . Only misery will come from it . And now they saw each other one last time across the veil of death , he understood that at last . ' Thank you , my friend , my only son . Thank you for all you 've done for us . For what little life I haveleft , I will never forget it . ' It was just a dream , but the tears were real . When he woke up , there was already a little light on the horizon . He knew ewactly what he should do . He went back home and took off the robes . Now he looked at them more closely , he realised that there was enough fabric there to make a new kimono for the grandmother , too . It was a good gift , after all . As for the neighbour , he ran straight to the city and to the princess 's palace , loudly shouting that he could make trees blossom . Out came the princess , who had heard of the miracle . But when he threw the ashes , nothing happened at all . Worst , a little fleck flew into the princess 's eye . She cried out in pain and her servants covered their mouths in horror . When she recovered from her shock , she was still so angry that she ordered to have the man tossed in jail , and she decreed that if anyone came near the palace claiming they could make trees blossom , they would suffer the same fate , war or not . Thus the war never happened , and the grandfather and the grandmother went on with their lives , often recalling the memories of their dog with fond smiles . As for the neighbour , I don 't know what became of him . If nobody remembered about him , perhaps he is still in jail . Anyway . There was a story I liked when I was little , which has given me much thought ever since . My mother didn 't seem to like it as much as I did , and I couldn 't really understand why . After all , it was a very cool story of a girl discovering that she should stand up for herself and finding creative ways to do so , and I treasured that kind of tale at the time , as they were so rare among the stories of heroic guys and helpless , worthless girls . That 's how I saw it anyway . Years later , I learned a bit more about how people thought when that story was first told , and I came to suspect why my mum didn 't like it all that well . A girl who stands up for herself is one thing , a girl who has to take responsibility for her husband 's violence is another . Sadly enough , many stories were told to teach women that they were accountable for their husband 's behaviour , and that they should be able to change him through the power of their feminine virtue if they are dissatisfied . That 's how I discovered that a story I naively believed was about a resourceful woman was , probably , not much more than a tool to teach women their proper place in the world . But then I wondered : does it have to be so ? If this tale had such a bleak hidden meaning , how come I found it so good when I was a child ? I rooted for active , resourceful heroins long before I learned the word ' feminism ' , after all . This story I read could not be all that sinister . So here is today 's story : not the one in the book , but the one that formed in my head when I read it . Once upon a time , there was a woman called Halima . She was a good person who always had something in her pantry for visiting neighbours , kind words for the children and a warm meal on the stove for the beggars in the neighbourhood . She was not a saint ; she got angry and swore sometimes when she had cause to , but she was patient and kind and most people loved her for it . Even people who are no saints have a right to be loved . As far as her friends and family were concerned , Halima led a happy , eventless life and was blessed with reasonable wealth , a lovely home and a good husband . They often congratulated her and she gave them tight smiles in return , which they never seemed to notice . In truth , Halima had long given up hope that they would see the dark stain on her perfect life . Marwan , her husband , worked hard enough in the day and kept her fed and clothed , it was true . But at night , he came home with alcohol on his breath , and then the smallest thing she said was an offence that demanded punishment . Had she made something to eat just before he arrived ? It was too hot , she was trying to poison him ! Had she cooked in advance so it would be the right temperature ? It was cold , she was such a slob ! Did she greet him with a smile ? She was mocking him ! With a blank face ? Disrespect ! The slaps left red marks on her cheeks and blue marks on her body . And when they went to bed , she screwed her eyes shut and clutched at the sheets to avoid crying out in pain under him . But she could not tell . She could not be ungrateful . After all , he bought her clothes and a pretty house , and they never wanted for food . So she told the other women at the bath house that she had been negligent and insolent and that he had hit her in justified anger , or sometimes she said nothing and she just smiled . But one day she couldn 't take it anymore . She was still sore from the beating the night before , and her pillow was wet from her crying . So she wrapped a scarf around her face and sneaked out of the town , to a mountain in the outskirts where a wise hermit was known to live . After a long climb , she reached a cave . The inside was lined with all sorts of strange things : jars , instruments , dried animals . At the very end , an old man sat on a threadbare rug . Swallowing her fear , Halima entered and greeted the hermit . He cut her short . ' My husband ! ' she replied , and was surprised at how easily the words cascaded out of her mouth . ' I want my husband back . He used to be so sweet when we were married , we were in such beautiful love , but as the years went by , his patience wore so thin ! Now he comes back drunk every night , and everything I do earns me a beating . I 've tried my best with him , I swear I did . But there 's nothing to calm him when he 's in one of his moods . And he 's in always in his moods now . ' ' Tried your best , have you ? ' the hermit snorted , a harsh , sudden sound . ' Right . I can help you . But for that , there is one thing I will need from you . ' Halima ran out . Halfway down the mountain , she burst into tears . The only hope she had of getting help rested on her doing something that would get her killed . But was it worse to be killed than to live on like this ? She wiped her tears and went back home , thinking . That night , a huge lion went to drink from the stream in the valley . He was a young male looking for a pride to lead . He was a bit hungry , but otherwise very pleased with himself : he was a lion , and every animal in the country feared him . So he was not a little surprised when a furry bleating thing leapt haphazardly at him and almost landed on his face . The lion was a pragmatic beast , however , so he promptly devoured the helpless lamb and licked his lips , contented . When he raised his eyes , however , a second surprise was waiting for him . A few steps away , a woman stood , still and trembling . He eyed her for a moment . But he was not hungry anymore , and she was of no interest to him , since she appeared to have no more lambs to toss at him . The day after , he came back to the stream . This time again , the woman was there , and she tossed him another bleating critter before slowly walking away . Every day after that , she came back , every time standing a little closer , for a little longer . The lion didn 't mind . She was a nice woman , and she had an excellent eye for prime lambs . Day after day , Halima 's fear of the lion diminished . At first she had been terrified , convinced that her last hour had come . But the lion had just looked at her , his wrinkled face unreadable . After a while , she stopped bringing lambs . He seemed a bit disgruntled the first time , but otherwise not overly annoyed . Then one day , she knelt beside him and put a hand on his mane . He just kept drinking . In a daze of fear and excitement , she closed two fingers on a hair and pulled . Emboldened , she plucked a second hair . The lion shook its mane . She closed her eyes and plucked a third . Somethine warm and wet touched her arm , and she thought that this was it this time … until she opened her eyes , and found the lion licking the back of her hand , purring like a kitten . ' Indeed those are three hair from a living lion 's mane , ' he said . ' Now tell me , Halima . You managed to tame a wild lion , a beast who terrifies the best hunters … and you 're telling me you 're unable to manage an unruly husband ? ' Halima looked at him . It was her dismissal , she understood , the lesson she had been waiting for . She nodded and thanked him , and walked back down the mountain . Once she was back home , she went to her kitchen . She prepared rich stews of veal with prunes and of pigeons in saffron sauce , made dishes from aubergines and coriander , salads from oranges and cinnamon , sweet almond cakes and pancakes dripping with honey . She put on her best clothes and waited , appeased and trusting , for Marwan to return . Stories don 't ever really end . They are just cut at the most convenient moment . What better moment to finish a story than a promise ? ' Happily ever after , ' ' Tomorrow is another day ' : those are just promises for new beginnings . And so does this story end : on the promise that the strength of feminine virtue and patience can tame lions and bring brutal husbands to reason . Here is the beauty of such promises : they don 't depend on anyone for their realisation but the person they are made to . If your husband still beats you and drives you to despair , this one says , then you haven 't tried hard enough . Try harder , and all will be better . Try all your life . Hope and believe , for you 'll receive help from no one but yourself . ' Who did you make this for ? ' he hissed . Then he shouted : ' Who is he ? Who are you waiting for , you whore ? Tell me where he is ! ' ' It 's you ! ' Halima cried . ' There 's no one but you ! ' But as she cried she realised she did not look at him . Yes , she was saying the truth , but it was not her husband she was talking to . The one she had been expecting was a kind , loving , smiling young man called Marwan , who would never have raised a hand on her and who had disappeared long ago , and much as she wanted to cry when she realised it , he was never to come back . The neighbours disagree on what happened just then . Some said that a man 's scream covered Halima 's usual cries . Some said there was a terrible commotion that stopped abruptly after a few seconds . Some say that , on the contrary , there was a sudden silence . Whatever happened , a man from the neighbourhood went to their door after a moment , and knocked . In he came , and he found Halima alone , sitting in front of a table laden with an incredible banquet . Well , almost alone . As the neighbour was about to apologise for surprising her in her private quarters , he saw the huge head of a fearsome lion , its chin still dripping with red , rise from under the table and stretch onto Halima 's lap . Halima smiled as if there was nothing unusual , and offered him to take some food home . ' Oh , this , ' Halima said with a graceful wave of her hand . ' Well , you see , it appears that the hermit was right . If you didn 't marry the right man , you can always get help from the right kind of friends . ' And she fed the purring lion some fragrant veal from her hand . Tagged tale The bottle from the sea February 26 , 2013April 4 , 2017 cecilecristofariLeave a comment I just read in asakiyume 's journal that today is Tell - A - Fairy - Tale day . I 've never heard of that before , but I love the idea . And I 've had a long day . Fairytales are just what I need right now . Once upon a time , there was a poor fisherman . Not only was he poor , he was unlucky : there was no one in the village with the same knack for bringing nothing home but old bones from the sea and torn nets , and what little fish he managed to catch never got enough money to pay everything he 'd come to owe his neighbours , his landlord , and the local shop owners . At first he 'd berated himself for being so bad at catching fish , then he got used to it - his landlord and his neighbours and the local shop owners didn 't seem too unhappy to always ask money from him , and as the interest rates soared , he soon figured that he was getting the village going at his own expense , rather than burdening it . One day he went to the sea , feeling even less lucky than usual . He threw his net , felt something tug , drew it back up again . In the net was the broken jaw of a dead donkey . He threw it back into the sea . " At least I can sell this for scrap metal , " he thought , pulling it out . It felt heavy - solid heavy , not sloshing with sea - water . He opened it . There he stood , taller than the tallest building in all the village . A genie . His hair had rotten away and seaweed grown on his scalp , his nostrils sprayed out water rhythmically , his eye were liquid like beryls . The fisherman sat down and shielded his eyes from the sun with his hands . Really , this was a big genie . Big fat luck indeed . And now he was going to die , and his wife would be left alone to pay the debts . He sat back heavily , and sighed . The genie looked confused . The fisherman grew impatient . " You 're going to kill me , right ? That 's what genies do to fishermen , so just get on with it ! " The genie sat down beside him . It cast a huge shadow , and suddenly , the fisherman didn 't feel so brazen . He lifted up his eyes , tentatively , hoping that the genie would make it quick and painless , and realising at the same time that " quick and painless " didn 't sound comforting at all now he was about to experience it . The genie gazed straight ahead as if he didn 't see him . He looked utterly lost . " I was imprisonned down there because I couldn 't pay my debts , " the genie said . " I don 't know how long it 's been . I don 't feel like killing anyone right now . " Ah . That was unexpected . The fisherman 's mind started to work very fast . There was one other thing genies did . Three wishes . Get his wife a set of jewels ? No , she 'd never been that fashion - obsessed to begin with . Owning the house he lived in ? Come to think of it , it was a shack . A new boat ? Hell , he 'd rather not work at all if given the choice . He couldn 't imagine what life was like away from the sea and the scarcity of fish , but he 'd always heard it was the most desirable thing in the world . And if not for himself , at least for his wife . Maybe they 'd finally manage to raise children like they 'd dreamed they would . " I know , genie , " he said . " Make me a king . No , wait , not a king . A landowner . Yes , that 's about right . Make me the owner of half of this country 's land and money and businesses . Give me so much money the interest rates will be enough to live by . I don 't want to work a single day in my life . Maybe I 'll lend people money if it pleases me , and they 'll thank me instead of insulting me , for once . Yeah , I like that . Make them thankful enough . " " I never was good at granting wishes , " he breathed in a deep , hollow genie 's voice . Then he looked at the fisherman , too stunned for anger , it seemed . " I don 't understand , he added . I owed you a wish and I couldn 't grant it . I 'm in a debt I can 't pay , again . I should be imprisonned . What am I doing here ? " " Poor devil , " he said at last . " You 've been down there a long time , haven 't you ? Nobody 's imprisonned for debt anymore . These days we 're imprisonned by debt . I 'm sorry I didn 't get it any sooner . I 've been a fool to believe a poor sod like you who 's spent centuries in a bottle could have any power left . Too bad landowners and shop keepers don 't grant wishes . " " You 're in it right as we speak . I 'm sorry , my friend . Let 's keep each other company while we have to endure it . Here , perhaps with the two of us to lift that net , we can catch something bigger . " And one day we will , he thought . One day there won 't be enough gold in the world to pay all these debts , and we 'll just sit by the fire and eat our fish and be glad , and they can eat their gold for all we care . Our fish won 't be for sale then . How sweet it will taste . How sweet it could taste even tonight , knowing I have a new friend to share my catch with . ' Please , ' she said , ' will you tell my son that he has to stop eating so many sweets ? They 're not good for him , they 're making his teeth rot . I tried and tried to make him stop , but he just won 't listen . I think he 'll listen to you . ' The mother was quite surprised to hear this . ' But , Bapuji , couldn 't you tell him this last month ? Surely you didn 't need a month to think about it ? ' Tagged random , tale Why Cthulhu and Darth Vader didn 't have cats December 5 , 2010April 19 , 2017 cecilecristofariLeave a comment Last time someone was sitting with a cat on their lap , I thought of the tale of the Goldcrest and the Eagle . Ever heard it ? I 'm not sure , as it works much better in French . Here it is , in case you haven 't . Once upon a time the lion was crowned King of Animals . But the birds were not satisfied . Their own kingdom was the sky , where no lion has ever been able to go . And sure enough , the Lion didn 't care all that much about the skies , so he agreed and asked them who would be their king . The debate got heated very quickly , until the Lion roared in annoyance : " ENOUGH ! I am the King of Animals , remember ? I 'll choose my own vassal . But since I am just and wise , I 'll give the title to the most deserving . Let all the birds fly as high as they can into the sky . The one that can touch the sun will receive a crown ! " The birds all agreed to this with vocal enthusiasm , even ostriches and hens and kiwis , which proves that the Lion 's reign was just and democratic and satisfied everyone . The next day , they assembled before the Lion 's palace . The Lion had a gun in one hand and binoculars in the other . He fired , and the birds all soared to the sky . The sun was very high and very hot . One by one , the birds slowed down , and flew down to the ground . Only the Eagle carried on and on . The Lion followed him with his binoculars and a smile on his face . Now it must be said that what cows and gazelles have been gossiping about , that the Lion and the Eagle had always been good friends and that both privately agreed that only predators should be kings , is a completely false accusation , and they even apologised publicly before being served at the Lion 's table , which is the best proof you need . A couple of chimpanzees had taken out their binoculars too , and watched as the Eagle slowed down , silhouetted against the sun . Then , just as the Eagle started his descent , they glimpsed a tiny silhouette that took off from the Eagle 's head and soared , just a little bit higher , just as the Eagle was too exhausted to catch up . When the Eagle was back on the ground again , exhausted , a tiny silhouette hopped from his head . It was the Goldcrest , who , it turned out , had been hidden among his feathers all along , and only had to take off at the last moment . But the chimpanzees were unanimous : the Goldcrest had reached higher than the Eagle . He was the one who should be King of Birds . And before the Lion could say anything , the little bird , puffing with pride and still no bigger than a nut , received a tiny golden crown . Centuries later , the chimps started to walk on hind legs and call themselves humans , and decided that being hairless and thin - skinned and bipedal was more relevant than brains or wisdom or strength when it came to choose a King for all the Animals , and so they crowned themselves . But they hadn 't counted on a simple truth of the universe : you can be as big , strong , clever , cheeky , hairless or loud as you like , there will always be someone to thwart your plans for world domination . This time the challenger came in the form of a small , furry , long - eared and damnably cute mammal . They called him the Cat . He was the chimps ' undoing . Now it is established that humans can be as powerful as they like , when they come home to their cats , they will still be reduced to the pitiful state of pillows , tin openers , and personal grooms . No matter their power and their wealth , they are nothing when chided by a dignified mewing cat . The only way they can escape is by not allowing one into their house . Once it gets there , the most evil plans for world domination are doomed . You will always be second to a miawing furry thing .

It is three o ' clock in the morning and as I pet the sleeping cat next to me it hits me . Almost 14 years of marriage are over . My life is forever changed and my children 's world is about to crash . How are they going to handle it ? How am I going to handle it ? I was in my 20 's the last time I was single . Now I will be a single mother . What has he done ? I am so mad . His poor decisions are going to effect us for the rest of our lives . He not only cheated on me , he cheated on his children too . How dare he ! ! ! ! I need so much strength now , I need to stay firm . I can 't keep him from the kids , but I can 't let him get to me . I fear his mother . She owns this house and she said she would give me time to find a place if we ended up separating . But she also said similar things when we moved out of the last house and that turned into a fiasco that still haunts us all . Will he come home in the morning ? Will he force his way back into the house ? What will the morning bring ? My stomach is in knots and I can 't help but cry . Then I think of him calling me a cry baby and I am mad again . I go back to petting my cat . He is purring and comfortable , so peaceful . I am envious . I hope I can sleep tonight . The rhythmic purring makes me feel so much better , maybe sleep will come . Three o ' clock in the morning . Today after my husband left for work I sat down at our desktop . As usual it was on my husband 's settings , I hardly ever use the desktop so that is nothing unusual . He has been getting a lot of new female facebook friends , from the looks of it , they are porn actresses or strippers . Because my kids play facebook games on his profile I will make sure it is child friendly . I checked his messages and found this . I called my parents and told them I am kicking him out , I told everyone . The more people I tell the more empowered I feel . The more I know that I can do this and stick to my guns . The hard part was not letting the kids know what was happening . I got teary eyed , but I did not cry . I managed to get them focused on their homework and the bedtime routine . I am so glad that they have school tomorrow . If this had happened yesterday I don ; t know how I would have have handled today . Of course they day wasn 't a very good one before this discovery . It is Memorial Day and every year he carries the flag for the Elk Lodge . Every year my children ride on the float and get to be in the parade . This is a highlight for my children and something they look forward to . They were supposed to be there at 10 am . I got a call from my mom at 9 : 55 to tell us to bring car seats . ( Which we always do because they are in our car and would be used by the kids on the drive to the lodge . ) I came downstairs and he is in the shower . The kids are getting their water and are so excited . He then tells me that he doesn 't want to go and I should take them . The Elks are depending on him to carry the flag . Our children are depending on him so they can be in the parade and five minutes before they are supposed to be there he tries to get out of it . Somehow without any real yelling I managed to convince him to take the kids . Of course he called me his new pet name before he left . I am Lazy Fat Ass , isn 't that a wonderful thing for a man to call call his wife in front of his children ? He did call me back and tried to deny it . He thought I would believe that it was just a " joke " between them and nothing really happened . I have heard that before and because I wanted to try to save this marriage I let it go . First when I was working full time , I caught him writing love letters to another woman online . His excise was they would never meet and it was a game to him . Then I had a facebook friend bust him when he emailed a reply to one of her friends looking for a good time . I am a 42 year old white male in an unhappy marriage too . In the pic i am wearing the gray shirt that says New York . Im 6 feet tall 175 pounds brown hair green eyes . I would love to hook up . We can get a room somewhere cause I cant host either . If interested please reply by e - mail or text me at ( his cell phone number ) and write BBW in message so I know who you are . I am calling a lawyer in the morning and am considering a restraining order or order of protection to make sure he stays away . I told him to stay with his girlfriend he wasn 't sleeping here any more . He hung up the phone after a long pause , no more denials . His mother owns the house we live in , I know I will have to eventually move out , but I also know that she will give me a chance to find a another place and I won 't have to rush . An uncontested divorce can be finalized in 60 days . Hopefully I can be done with this by the fall and can be settled before school starts . I hate that I have to uproot my children because he was selfish . The only good thing is that because of all the horrible things he has done to me in the last few years , all the nasty things he has done to me and said to me , all the hitting and spitting I am prepared mentally for this . I have known it was over for a while this just finalized it for me . The final straw and I am done . I do not like being warm or hot . Even in the winter I am known for opening the windows , lowering the thermostat and using fans . Last year we moved from a house with central air ( I miss central air ! ) to a house with just windows we could open . Then our cats discovered that they could rip our screens to get outside . To keep mosquitos and other assorted insects out those windows stayed closed . I was miserable . I bought window air conditioners . Mommy was much happier and cooler . Of course Daddy didn 't want them , he didn 't want to spend the money and many fights happened about the temperature and how miserable I was . My brother had to help me assemble them and install them , my husband would not . They made the summer bearable . He enjoyed their comfort and even grudgingly took them out of the windows when the autumn air consistently was cool . There was yelling and cursing and arguing but it got done . Winter came and went and in less than a month we went from needing the heat on to uncomfortable warmth . I wanted my air conditioned installed in the bedroom . I had two fans running at night and still I was too warm . It was time and I asked him for help . My husband typically responds to me asking for help with a look of disgust on his face . He waits a moment and will them loudly ask why can 't I do it . The battle begins Surprisingly he agreed to put the air conditioner in with little complaint . But it turned into an ordeal . He almost dropped it out the window and had trouble figuring out how it would sit in the window without falling . Any help I offered was loudly refused and I regretted that I even asked . That was two weeks ago . He said after my air conditioned was installed he would get the others in later because he had to go to work . I understood , installing air conditioners is not a good excuse for being late to work . A day went by and then a few and then a week . I occasionally would ask when he would install them . He never would give a definite answer . Summer is here , well " The Official Start " of summer is this weekend . The days are warmer and the nights are sticky . My son sleeps with a fan on his bed running at full speed and a ceiling fan above his bed whirling as fast as it can . My daughter sleeps in my bed so she can be comfortable at night . The air conditioners sit in her closet not getting any closer to the windows . He and I have argued about them , if I question his methods he explodes with anger . Today he screamed at me that I was a nag . I keep asking him to put them in and he is tired of it . I have been asking a lot lately , however if he had put them in when he said he would two weeks ago I would not be nagging him today . I would have been comfortable in the living room and he could have watched his hockey YouTube videos in peace . Instead he refused to put them in . He told me to call my brother to put them in and he stormed out of the house . At least I managed to get him to say goodnight to the kids . I have had it . I dragged them out of the closet and managed to slide them down the stairs . My son held the curtains so I could put them in the windows . He helped me move the couch so I could put one in the window in our living room . Once again my husband has pushed me away . He refuses to do anything I ask him because I am a nag . Even a simple conversation with him is torture . I am miserable and I know he is too . The difference is that he resists any of my efforts to improve our marriage . He also believes that I am the cause of all of our problems . I cause all the arguments and I am the one who causes all the things that go wrong . He doesn 't do any of it in his mind . Well tonight I got something done without him that I didn 't think I could do . He tells me that I won 't make it on my own . He tells me that I am worthless and can 't do anything right . He is wrong . I got two air conditioners in tonight without his help . It would be nice to have someone around to help , but if I think about it his help comes with heartache and stress . I get depressed and in the past I have withdrawn from the world . I won 't let him put me down anymore . I don 't need him , I am capable and I will be able to make it without him . I grew up loving trains . From my bedroom as I was falling asleep at night I could hear them running and sounding their horn . We lived near active tracks and anytime we saw a train we stopped what we were doing . Our eyes would be glued on the moving cars and when the caboose was finally in sight we would wave to the conductor and often be rewarded with a smile and wave from him in return . My father build amusement park rides and he did all the sheet metal work on the train at a local amusement park . How proud I was when I rode that train every summer knowing that my father built it . That train is still there . My children ride it today and know that grandpa built it . They tell their friends and like me are full of pride when they ride it . Trains and children go together like peanut butter and jelly . I had a friend when I was in elementary school who literally had trains running behind her house . The fence that separated her backyard from the tracks had a gate that allowed us access to those tracks . All spring and summer long we would roam those tracks and search for tadpoles and frogs . We would find chunks of coal that fell from overloaded cars and we would dodge trains as they came rolling by . We knew that trains were dangerous but still we were drawn to those tracks . Once I think we narrowly avoided tragedy . My friend and I ventured further down the tracks than we normally did . There was a trestle not far down the tracks . We had to cross a busy street to get there which brought us into the city . It was off limits to us , so of course we had to go there . Once we were there two teenagers approached us . At least I thought they were teenagers . They told us that they were police officers and we were trespassing ( which of course we were ) . They insisted that we go with them . We were young but we knew this was fishy , we asked to see ID and they refused . But they were bigger than us and we ended up going with them . Not into a car , but we walked . We left the tracks and started towards another road . My friend and I were scared and didn 't know what to do . Finally we saw our chance and made a break for it . We ran and they chased us . We saw a gas station nearby and ran into it and hid . I don 't know who long it was until we felt safe enough to leave . To this day I don 't know what would have happened if we didn 't get away . Since then that stretch of tracks has been retired . Many of the local tracks no longer are active . Still some tracks do have trains rolling along them and now that I am a parent I see those tracks very different from when I was a child . Since I have become a parent we have also lived in close proximity to active train tracks . I remember how I was drawn to train tracks as a child and I remember my close call . It terrifies me . Last week a teenager in a neighboring town ran under barriers , a train was coming and the barriers were down . He was hit by two trains and died . Just a few days later a ten year old was seen crawling away from the tracks . His friend was running ahead screaming for help . The little boy had been run over by a train and both his legs were severed . Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes . When we moved into this a = city I knew we lived near train tracks , but they were not within sight of our house . To get there you had to go down our street and over to a main road , then cross that busy road and go a bit further down . When they children go to the middle school and high school they would have to cross those tracks . But I still had time to instill a respect of trains and the danger of playing on the train tracks . Then last year we moved . We moved down the street and closer to the tracks . They are louder and If we walk to the corner are visible . Since then I have taken every opportunity to talk to both my children about why they need to stay away from the tracks . I still enjoy watching them . We do pull over and watch the trains if we are stopped at the tracks . Times have changed though . There are no longer cabooses with a happy conductor waving at us as the train goes by . I hear the loud horn at night and no longer does it lull me to sleep . We are so close that the horn is loud and now fills me with dread . I worry about my children and the tracks . All I can think about now is tragedy so I talk to my children and hope and pray that they will make better decisions than I did and stay away from the irresistible draw of the tracks . My meds are running low , you would think I could remember to call the pharmacy to get a refill . If I run out then bad things happen . I hate taking my meds , but I hate not taking them more . I feel overwelmed and my head is mushy . Not literly , that would be interesting though . I am picturing a head with the consistancy of Play - Dough . I guess fuzzy is a better way to describe it . Any sensory input could be the one that sets me off . When you have a child on the autism spectrum and daughter who is a diva and husband that is very unpleasant on his good days this is not a good combination . Today my husband went out to get the kids lunch , but I had to go back out to get it done correctly . The best thing about it was that I was trying to relax a bit and was upstairs . There are no windows into the front or backyard upstairs . If the children are playing outside and only one parent is home it is important that they are not upstairs . Plus when upstairs , because there is a door at the bottom of the stairs a parent is not in a good position to supervise children when they are downstairs . Oddly enough if the kids are in the basement , because the placement of the heating ducts is ideal it is very easy to listen in on the two of them playing . It is like being a spy . I did manage to hear the car turn on and pull away . At least one window overlooks the driveway . One thing that gets me so mad is when he leaves when I am upstairs or even worse asleep . The kids are home playing and doing what kids do and I have no idea that he is gone . I think he is watching the kids and luckily nothing bad has happened while he has been gone . When I ask him to tell me that he is leaving , he gets mad and swears at me ( often in front of the kids ) . I have to take a deep breath and not snap as he yells at me . I really need to get that refill . I don 't like taking my meds because if I get mad he asks if I took my meds . They are for depression , they are not to make me a mindless yes mommy . I still have my full range of emotions . The meds I take keep me from snapping . They keep me sane , but I still will get mad if you tell me putting a garden in the back yard is stupid and you won 't buy the soil or do anything to help me get it . My seedlings have been growing for almost six weeks in the kitchen and need to be planted in real soil soon . One of the plants has already produced a couple beans . , the zucchini is flowering and he won 't help me get the soil , he won 't ask anyone to hep us get the soil , and he keeps telling me that I am a horrible gardener and I shouldn 't even bother . What is the pharmacy 's phone number ? The air conditioners are still not in downstairs . He had a hard time putting the one in upstairs and has decided that it will be easier to take the air conditioners outside and have me open the window from the inside while he lifts them up to his shoulder level and slides them into the window from the outside . Did I mention he would have to wade through the bushes in the yard to get to the windows . When I try to point out to him that there might be an easier way ( maybe putting them in from the inside ? ) he snaps and again swears and calls me horrible names . Now I need the refill number , ah there it is ! So is my depression something I have always had and recently identified or is it partially from before but more because I am in a marriage from hell ? I ordered my refill and I am off to pick it up . One more month of Cymbalta and one more month of sanity . It was almost two years ago that I made the decision to return to school . I wanted to be able to get a better job so that if I left this pitiful excuse for a marriage I could support myself and my children . Since then I found a good program and got accepted . I walked into my first class and found myself doing something I loved . Teaching could be in my blood . My mother is a teacher and for a while so was my father . I have an aunt who was a teacher and an uncle who taught and was a principal . When I worked in the planetarium field it was the teaching of astronomy that I loved . The look on children 's face when they got it was the best reward . Now I have my degree , I walked across that stage and got my scroll ( my diploma comes in the mail in 6 - 8 weeks ) . I have student taught and I am ready to go . I have supplies that have been passed down to me from teachers I have known over the years . However I don 't have a job . I have applied , I have searched and I have networked . My fingerprints have been taken and the police and the state have reviewed my background . I am a teacher , but I have no class . My children are so proud of me . I am having a party to celebrate my achievement . Guest have offered to bring food , my daughter helped me pick out some decorations . My husband has done nothing but complain . How are we going to pay for it ? That is all he cares about . I am not serving lobster or anything that is going to break us . I am keeping it low key , I know we don 't have a lot of money or really any to spare . But I did it , I graduated , I passed all my state mandated exams , I got excellent grades , I wrote my papers and I taught many classes of wonderful children . I made it and I want to celebrate . Lately my son has been having more cases of anxiety . The attacks are suddens and without warning . The other day it was a footlong large pipe cleaner that caused his anxiety . How can something so harmless scare him so much ? It was bedtime and both my husband and I were home . I had read him his bedtime story . No matter how much my husband tries to get me to stop reading to him at bedtime I will not . It is a special time for us and it helps him know that reading is for pleasure . Of course he challenged me and I didn 't back down . Bedtime stories are too important . Our son had just gone into his room for the night and the next thing we knew he was screaming . I have heard him pretend to be scared , I have heard him scream just to get our attention and I have heard him scream from terror . This was the later . We both reacted quickly and tried to find out what was wrong . The look on our sons face was all I needed to see to know he was scared . He was screaming and would not calm down . I tried to comfort him to find out how I could help . My husband however was mad . He didn 't seem to want to know why our son was scared . He just wanted him to stop . He is like that with me too . he doesn 't care why I am upset , or why I am feeling like I am . He just wants me to stop . Sadly he has said this to my face . I hugged our son tight and got down to his level . I looked him in the eye and helped him calm down . Only when he is calm do I get an idea of what is causing the terror . He sees something that he calls a monster under his bed . Of course now daddy is more upset . There are no such things as monsters . He is eight years old and should know this . He is being ridiculous and just needs to " be a man " and go to bed . When I was a child I was convinced there were snakes in my room and I remember running downstairs so scared . My parents listened and my father would go upstairs and remove the trespassing snake . They don 't remember doing this , but it is something that is unforgettable to me . Today I know that there was no snake on my pillow . I know my dad didn 't have it in his hand and I know he didn 't put it outside . But my parents made me feel safe and if they had to get the " snake " out of my room and actually go through the motions of taking it out of the house . Our son is still so afraid , he won 't go into his room and finally I think I understand what he is saying enough to help him . I look where my screaming son is pointing and I do see something there . It is a Fuzzoodle pipe cleaner that I had bought the kids . It is something he has played with many times and something that I am sure he put there . But for some reason tonight it is the cause of his anxiety . Like my father I went into his room and removed the offending object . My son calms down and after some snuggles is ready for bed . The crisis is over . Then this weekend insects became the stressor for him . Again this was at bedtime and both my husband and I were home . It was after our normal bedtime routine and was sudden . He went into the kitchen to fill up his water bottle . Then he just ran screaming out of the kitchen in terror . He saw a flying spider . Just the day before he had found a spider in his room . Now that I recall that incident it also was at bedtime , but it was just me home that night . He had no fear during that incident . We also have a pet tarantula and he is not afraid of Hannah at all . It was a cranefly and they are scary looking , I can see why he called it a flying spider . They are common this time of the year and not unfamiliar to him . However on this night he was terrified of it . We tracked it down and removed it . Still he was scared . What if there was another one ? He was sure it would bite him and he was unconsolable . Finally I redirected his attention . I noticed that somehow even after he had taken a bath and washed his hair he still had some grit in it . Mommy idea of the night popped into my head nad I suggested he take a bath and re wash his hair . I instructed him to do two shampoos and to make sure he really massages the shampoo into his scalp . Bingo , he was no longer thinking of the scary flying spider and into the tub he went . The crisis had ended . Now his daddy during this episode was mad , he called our son a cry baby and just wanted him to stop making noise . He was lying down on the couch and didn 't budge at all to try to calm our terrified son down . There were extra snuggles for my son that night after the bath , I wanted him to feel safe and secure . As for daddy he dozed off while the bath did its magic and didn 't bother us again that night . Two fears in the span of a week . Two moments of terror for my son . Luckily there were also two calming events as well . Was it the asperger 's ? I think maybe it was . Luckily I was there for both events . I worry that I won 't be there for the next one and I wonder how my spouse would handle it when it is just the two of them . I wish that didn 't scare me . I shouldn 't have to worry about how a daddy interacts with his son , but I do . A few months ago I bought some decorations for the kitchen , I decided on a kitchen witch theme , I was worried that my husband would have a problem with them because he is so anti - witch and anti - pagan . I tenativly hung one up on the wall and there were no protest from him so I added the other decorations . I thought maybe finally he was going to let me be me and not fight with my religion anymore . Since then I have added a few other items and a couple aprons . I loved working in the kitchen with some of my touches in it . The paint and other decor were still in the motif of the past owners . Before I added these decorations I felt like a guest in someone else 's kitchen . This weekend I walked into the kitchen and my decor was missing . I found it on a shelf almost hidden and put the items back where they belonged . Then I made the mistake of asking him why they were moved . He replied that it wasn 't Halloween and they looked stupid so he took them down . I explained they were the decor I picked for the kitchen . He has always said that I had carte blance to decorate our home . Unfortunetly he complains about all the decorating I do . There was no more argument and I thought that maybe I had won this battle . I was wrong . Today I went to pick up my sons perscription . The first pharmacy coudln 't fill it , they were out of that medication . I took the time to find out that information and told him that I was going . My husband wanted to be the one to run the errand and he made a point of letting me know that before I left . He had to tell me that I was a useless house keeper so I can 't do anything right so he should pick up the meds so he knows it will be done right . I didn 't take the bait and just left . My son came with me and we had a very nice time together . I came home and walked into the dining room to see all my spring / Easter deorations gone . I wanted to put them away together into a bin so I could use them again next year . Since I didn 't have a bin I had saved some money from last week and was going to buy the bin on Friday when he got paid . Not once has he expressed annoyance that they were still up . Because they were also spring decorations I didn 't think they were too out of place . But they were all gone , he then told me that he had thrown most of them away when I asked him where he put them . I was so mad . There was nothing wrong with them . I had to pick them out of the garbage . Of course then he has to tell me I am stupid for going through the garbage . I retrieve them and packed them away in a plastic bag . Now I have to hide them so he doesn 't think they are garbage again . I went upstairs . It is my safe place usually . More often than not he will stay downstairs if I am upstairs . We can exist like this for a while without much interaction . The house is more peaceful and I am less stressed . However he did come up and announced he was leaving for work . Finally , I can have some peace . I waited until a few minutes had passed and I came downstairs to have my dinner . He was still here and on the computer . So into the kitchen I go and my kitchen witch decorations are gone again . I had to look for them a little harder this time . He just doesn 't have any respect for me or my things and I know it is only going to get worse . This time he also moved my Tarot recipe cards . Each card has a recipe on them and honestly if recipe cards don 't belong in the kitchen where do they belong ? I know he will keep taking them down , I just hope he doesn 't get destructive with them or throw them away like he did with my Easter decorations . I am so tired of his negative energy and I hope I can find a place to move to soon . So far I have not found a place that would be a good fit for me and the children . Until then I have to listen to his mouth and feel his attitude . I don 't think the decoration battle is over . I will have to keep a close eye on things that mean a lot to me . This was my eight Mother 's Day , okay ninth I celebrated Mother 's Day when I was pregnant with my son . I still remember that moment when I first saw him . It felt like hours before I was allowed to hold him . I was shaking so much after he was delivered . It just wasn 't safe for a few minutes . My first clear memory of him after he was born was when my husband was standing next to me holding him and he heard my voice . He deliberately turned his head and looked right at me . I never expected a newborn to be so focused and be able to control his movements like like so soon after he was born . Almost nine years later and he still amazes me . Tonight as I was falling asleep I heard a noise downstairs . It is me and two children alone in the house . Boom , boom , boom ! ! ! I slowly walked downstairs and the light is on in the kitchen . I know I turned it off and I sheepishly call out " Who is in the kitchen ? " I was hoping to hear my husbands voice , maybe he got home from work early . Nope . I hear my son answer " It 's me ! " He was thirsty and wanted to fill up his water bottle . He couldn 't disconnect our portable dishwasher . Poor kiddo ! All he wanted was a simple glass of water and was so upset that he couldn 't get it . Mommy saved the day , or rather the night . I disconnected the dishwasher and filled up his water bottle . I even gave him ice . That was entertaining . The ice wouldn 't come out of the tray and I really put some muscle into it . BOOM ! Crack ! Ping ! Ice popped up into the air , flipped and bounced . We both started laughing hysterically and ended up on the floor . Comical relief often comes when you least expect it . We have two cats , and have had them since they were born . We owned the mama cat and never got her spayed . She would not leave the house , if we opened the door and pushed her out she would find a way to grab onto the door and stay inside . It just never occured to us that a male cat would break into our house . Of course that is what happened , twice in two days . Of course she was in heat at the time . She was a tiny cat and was getting bigger . Then she passed the due date , a week went by and still no kittens . I could still feel them moving but was worried so I called the vet . The wanted to see her ASAP and so I bundled her up and off we went . She had to have a c - section . I never even thought of c - sections for cats . The kittens were so adorable , but Boomerang wanted nothing to do with them . So I had to feed them with a bottle . I had to play mama cat . Mama cats have a hard job . Today those kittens are all grown up , my children have each claimed one and Boomerang went to another home . It was a decision I fought for the longest time and it was a decision my husband forced me to make . I regret it and miss my cat . Boomerang was mine and she was a wonderful pet and eventually became a wonderful Mommy . These cats have somehow become indoor / outdoor cats . I tried to keep them indoors . But they were stubborn and now I have many torn screens because they were so determined to get outside . I really don 't think they know that they are cats . They come when I call them , which is comical when I call them in at night . If they are not waiting by the door they come running . They even love to have their bellies rubbed . We have a portable dishwasher , to use it there is an attachment that is screwed onto the kitchen faucet . We put it on the faucet when we moved in and I haven 't really thought of it since . Lately when I have hooked up the dishwasher at night ( I only run it at night because to run it has to move into the center of the kitchen next to the sink and the kitchen is really useless until it finishes . ) it has been leaking from the faucet connection . I dreaded mentioning this to my husband , he didn 't want the dishwasher and anytime we have a problem with something he doesn 't like he has to throw into my face that I insisted on it and he didn 't want it . I have been staying awake while it runs and disconnecting it so water doesn 't run all night . It was a pain but it worked . Tonight it was worse . I was sprayed when I turned the faucet on . No mater how I connected it water sprayed all over the place . How was I going to tell him about this ? Could it be fixed ? Then it dawned on me to check the screw on adapter that is connected to the faucet . Bingo ! It was so lose that I think it might have almost been ready to fall off the faucet . I tightened it up and the leaking stopped . Why didn 't I think of that before ? My son is obsessed with poker chips . Maybe it is because he has asperger 's , obsessions are an indicator of asperger 's . Over the years I have bought him many , many poker chips . You would think we poker chips all over , but they never seem to last . I wonder what he does to them over time . Eventually they start to disappear and he needs more . He plays with them , he takes baths with them , he carries them in his pockets when he goes places . I have gone to toy stores with him and instead of picking a toy he will want me to buy him poker chips . He will save him own money to buy poker chips . I often wonder what people might think when they find out that he owns his own poker chips . He also is very territorial with them . I find them all over the house and I confess that some have been sacrificed while I am cleaning . In the last six or seven years I have no idea how many poker chips we have bought but I don 't think I am exaggerating when I say that it is in the thousands and not hundreds . I am sure in the years to come at least an equal amount if not more will be purchased for him . I went to a Mother 's Day brunch with my parents , grandma and brother 's family today . It could have gone better . They keep trying to get me to back to church . They know I am a Pagan . I have been pretty clear about it . I think they would accept me being a lesbian better if that were true . They get so hurt when I tell them that I don 't go to church . I suppose I could lie to them and tell them that I do , but Why come out of the broom closet if you are just going to back into it again ? They wanted me to go to church today , But I didn 't . It makes me uncomfortable . I will go if I need to , like if I am invited to a wedding or if there is a funeral . I am an adult now and if I don 't want to go to church then I am not going to . I did go to brunch with them , even though I didn 't want to . We all are members of the BPO of Elks . Yes I am an Elk . One of the lodges near us has a Mother 's Day brunch . It used to be pay what you can and the food was pay what you can quality . Now there is a set fee for it , but the food still is pay what you can quality . My parents are loyal and they always want to go to this brunch . Some years I cut them off at the pass and invite them elsewhere before they can bring up the brunch . This year they asked first , so I accepted . At least I get to spend time with the family . It almost makes up for the lousy food . The menu was luke warm french toast , cold hashbrowns , scary looking corned beef hash , rubbery sausage , crumbly eggs , canned metal tasting fruit salad , bitter orange juice and warm cranberry juice . But my mom was happy , she got to go to the brunch she wanted and we supported one of the local Elk lodges . Overall it was a nice Mother 's Day . My children spoiled me , they even let me take a midday nap . My husband even gave me space so we didn 't have any huge arguments . It was a bit random , but somedays are just like that . Sometimes I just have to laugh and wonder . Like tonight , I walked into our bathroom and there on the wall was a lego base . The kind that is a base for dreams made of Legos . On another wall of course in another base . I never would have thought of putting these items on a wall . Then I wonder why ? I don 't think I want to know . The science geek in me knows why they are stuck to the wall . The Mom in me just shakes her head and smiles . Of course my son would stick legos to the bathroom wall . I had bought them for my son this past Christmas thinking he would use them with his Legos . Not once have I seen him use them this way . I love that he comes up with new ways to use the bases . I don 't think I have ever seen him use them the " right " way . To him this is the right way . I wonder what the dialog inside of his head sounds like or looks like ? His world is a wonderful place sometimes . I love to try seeing the world through his eyes . Earlier today we went on a small journey . I was picking up some worms to start my worm bin up again . You know things any mom would do . He wanted to come wit me which is unusual . Usually he wants to stay home and play . He had an ulterior motive he wanted to stop at the store . Moms take what they can so I brought him along . I call it a journey because that is what it became . We started on the highway and ran into a traffic jam . Another accident up ahead so I took the exit . I knew how to get to our destination following secondary roads I just was hoping to get there faster . We were chatting about this and that and we stopped at a red light on a bridge . Off to the side was a creek . Lately we have had a lot of rain and the water was high . We could hear the churning and rushing of the water . He noticed a dam and was very interested in it . So on the way back I said we would stop in the park and watch the waterfall . I wish I had brought my camera . I can only wonder what the photos would have looked like . The impromptu stop in the park turned into a magnificent journey for both of us . For me I saw the park through a child 's eyes . For him it was a place of wonderment and excitement . On the way back I turned off the main road to go to the park . My thought was we would drive by the park and see the waterfall from the window . He was looking out the window and was excited to see a waterfall in the middle of a city . The idea of a waterfall right next to so much hustle and bustle was almost unbelievable . But we had been to this park before so somewhere in his thoughts he knew it was because he had experienced it all before . I could almost feel the anticipation . We were driving by and , NO ! ! ! ! I had forgotten there were barriers blocking the view . Most likely to keep drive - by accidents from happening . The view would easily turn a drivers head and cause many fender benders . Disappointment now , it was audible and crushing . He had his heart on seeing the waterfall and now I had to make sure he did . When I was married we had our wedding photos taken at this park , and we have been there as a family since . I knew there was a parking lot . Ack , I couldn 't find it . The park is small , it is a surprise to me that I can 't find the lot . Where could it be . This dialog was in my head and it felt like so much time was passing . Then I saw it , and we pulled in . The sky was grey and was leaking infrequent drips . The wind was picking up and I had neglected to bring my coat . I was wrongly thinking that we would walk to the bridge and look at the waterfall and then back into the car . We had to get home so Daddy could go to work . We walked to the road and crossed . He had a moment of panic when a distant car turned onto the road . He gripped my hand as I encouraged him to cross . The car was still very far away and would not even get to the bridge by the time that we crossed . As we walk closer to the waterfall I draw his attention to the sensations all around us . " What do you hear ? " I ask and he says he hears the water rushing which was the primary sound . " What else ? " He hears the traffic and he hears the wind . Then I point out the light sound of birds singing happily all around us . I see his face light up as he tunes into the music they are producing and his smile is infectious . We come up to the bridge and through the trees he can almost see our goal . There is a path next to him an he breaks away from me almost running into the park . I still was in the mindset that we would see the waterfall and then back to the car . That was unbeknownst to me this was no longer an option . I herded him back to the bridge and we start crossing it . He can now see the rushing bubbling roaring brown water . This is not the gentle flowing creek he has encountered in the past . He does recall wading in the creek a few years ago . The water that day was slow moving and welcoming on a hot day . We caught bugs and butterflies and explored the trails . He is holding onto my hand with a death grip , He worries that I will drop the car keys into the churning torrents just inches away from us . The water is so high that a secondary waterfall , normally visible at the foot of the bridge is just a dip in the chaos of water next to us . His eyes are glued onto the sight . This is the closest he has ever been to such a temper tantrum of nature . He see the waterfall set back into the park and is amazed . This is now a determination of his . He will get up close to that waterfall . I still think we are going back to the car . I don 't know how he did it , maybe it was the joy on his face , but we crossed that bridge and turned left into the park . I spot two ducks and we get closer . It is a male and female mallard . They are perched next to a quiet pool of water . A complete contrast to the churning mess behind us . The male notices us coming closer and he stands up and is ready to go all male duck on us if he has too . The female has her beak tucked into her wing and she isn 't budging . Though she does open one eye and watches us . We didn 't get any closer and they didn 't move we just watched each other and then my son and I moved along . He is determined to get to that waterfall . Now we are on the other bank of the creek . It almost seems wrong to call it a creek though . When I picture a creek I see a calm narrow shallow and peaceful ribbon of water surrounded by green grass and flowers . I know , very " Little House on the Prairie " sounding . We get closer . His hand again is not letting go of my hand no matter what . I know the water scares him . Heck it scares me . He is facing a fear and not letting it win . He wants to get to that waterfall and he is not going to let his insecurity get the better of him . We get to the waterfall , he gets right up next to it . I tell him about having our wedding photos taken there . How most of the time is a gentle and beautiful waterfall . We talked about how my parents brought me to this park as a child and how we would feed the ducks . He spots the sign saying " Please Don 't Feed the Wildlife " and is disappointed that we can 't feed those ducks that we spotted earlier . I managed to keep him from seeing the bread someone else had left behind so he doesn 't even try . Now I think we are going back to the car . We got to the waterfall and . . . Oh no he sees the steps to go to the top of the waterfall . If I let him we would stay there until bedtime . He is excited , there is so much to do here . Paths that twist and turn around calm peaceful ponds . Rocks are conveniently placed so he can walk on the like a bridge . He just wants to play . I distract him away from the steps and back to the road . Then he spots something . I still don 't know what but he is focused on it and is off . He finds a dry path around a pond and starts to go behind a wall of shale . I have never gone this way in the park . I thought it was inaccessible and maybe it was . Maybe a pond has shifted or maybe the path the water took changed . I have to follow him , in my crocs , trying to not fall , tetter tottering and somehome managing to stay dry . There is another waterfall ! Wow ! we are at the base of an old mill and it is a nook full of nature . The small waterfall is peaceful and calm . It is a complete contrast to the one he was so focused on mere moments ago . Shale is jutting out around us and in places is covered with moss . It is quiet and still in this place . Just above us and only a few yards away is a major road filled with traffic , but we are not aware of it here . We could have stayed there for hours . It was magical , but we had to get home . Daddy needs to go to work . I dread having to tell him that we have to leave and I wonder how do I get him to leave without a battle . It turns out that he had already decided to move on . He had turned around and saw a bridge . He looks at me and says " I wonder what this looks like from that bridge . So off he went . I slowly followed , I still wanted to stay dry . We get to the bridge and it is a breathtaking site , the small waterfall in the distance is what feeds these smaller ponds . I am sure I had seen it before but never thought to try to get to it . I told him we had to go and he was disappointed but I promised we would come back . I let him take a " short cut " back to me . I cringed when he walked on the rocks placed as stepping stones in the ponds . He was going to fall in the water , I was so sure of it , I would have . Only his pant cuffs got wet though . Watching him explore this oasis of nature in the middle of urban development was worth the stop and worth coming back for . We crossed the street and looked at the creek flowing away from the falls . We saw a groundhog and discovered that the secondary creek also continued on this side of the road . Then I saw it . A Great Blue Heron was wading in the turmoil beneath us . The brown churning waters did not seem to bother it at all . When my son saw it his eyes opened up wide . He had never seen bird this large in the wild before . He talked about the long neck of the bird and wondered how long the legs were . This bird was tall and sleek . It was beautiful and we watched it in silence as it walked around at the bank of the creek . We got baCk to the car passing the groundhog again . Wow ! Groundhogs can move very fast . We heard a male Black Capped Chickadee calling for a mate and we headed back home . Back to my normal , he roller skated in the basement , put chalk dust in his hair and took his bath . It was after the bath that my cat called to me from the bathtub . He begged me to let him drink out of the bathtub faucet . I turned the faucet on ever so slowly and saw the legos on the wall . Back to reality I guess . Last night one thing was on the minds of my family , breakfast ! My son is in the third grade and the state English language Arts exam starts in the morning . His teacher has been doing a fantastic job getting his class ready for the exam . My son is as prepared as he can be . His handwriting may be terrible but when they do decifer his answers they will see that he knows his stuff . The school has sent home letters to parents , and talked to the student about how to be mentaly and physically ready for this exam . Practice has been completed in the classroom . The students have been told to get a good night sleep and to fuel their bodies in the morning . The school is even giving the whole third grade class free breakfast . My son is takig this make sure you have a good breakfast to heart . He talked his father into bringing home a breakfast sandwich , he made me look up the menu for breakfast at the school so he knows what he is going to eat there . Then he did this . It is pretty late at night , usually my husband calls home at this time if he wants me to check the score of a hockey game or look up some silly trivia on line . I looked at the caller id and it was my brother . Still I didn 't expect what happened next . He sounded upset and said he was going to put my life in perspective . I could tell he was holding back tears . The next words out of his mouth were that his house was on fire . I instantly lost the grin on my face and asked if he was okay . Was his family okay ? What happened ? How could this happen ? I wanted to rush out there to be with him and I even reached out to a neighbor that I am friends with . I asked if she could sit in my house so my kids wouldn 't be alone . I explained that my brother ' house was on fire and I wanted to be there to help comfort him . I wanted to hug him I wanted to do something . She was about to go to bed and didn 't want to . Okay , so I was not able to get to him . I can 't imagine how he was feeling . I was heartbroken and it wasn 't even my house . I do have ties to it . It was my Nana 's house . My father grew up in that house . It has been a part of the family for four generations now . It is a part of our history , but it is my brother 's home . Later he called me back , the house is still standing . The interior sounds like it just suffered from smoke damage . It could have been much worse . They are staying with neighbors and the boys will be going to school in the morning . They are going to try to get back to a normal day . My brother is so shaken , I can 't help but worry about him . Now when the phone first rang I assumed my son was asleep . He wasn 't . He heard my voice change and knew something was wrong . He came out of his room and I could see that he was worried . He is like me , he takes a worry into his heart and holds it there . It becomes part of him . I explained that his Uncle 's house was on fire but everyone was okay . A house is just stuff , what is important is his Aunt , Uncle and cousins are safe . He wanted to know where they were going to sleep , and even thought I invited them to our house , I did 't know . He went back in his room and came back out with a blanket . He said this was for them so they could have a blanket to keep them warm . He then went back in his room and brought out three more blankets . One for each of them . I was so proud of my son . He was willing to give up his blankets to help another family . It took me a long time to get him focused on sleep again and the exam that he is taking in the morning . After he finally went to sleep knowing that his relatives were safe and warm I made those blueberry muffins for him with blueberry glaze . So much had changed since I started making them , things can change so quickly . The big Neurologist appointment was today . I was all prepared for it . I had the printout of adult symptoms of dyspraxia and all the underlines of symptoms I had . I had the report from my third grade evaluation showing I had motor skill problems . I woke up early and got there in plenty of time . I had the paper work filled out and was hopeful that I would find out a reason for all my clumsiness . I had barely sat down at the office after checking in before they called me back . Once in the examination room I didn 't even have enough time to flip through a magazine before the doctor came in . So far a wonderful appointment . It isn 't often that I don 't have a seemingly endless wait for the doctor . She asked why I was there and I told her I was curious if my clumsiness was due to dyspraxia . She looked confused and asked me ( the patient ) what was dyspraxia . I could see the expression on her face and it was not one that filled me with confidence . So I handed her the sheets I had printed out about dyspraxia and she barely glanced at it . She never even unfolded it all the way or looked at the second sheet before she handed it back to me . I tried to show her my third grade evaluation and she didn 't even reach for it . I did read it to her though . She asked me what my concerns were and when I looked at the paper that I had underlined she asked me not to look at the sheet that I had brought with me with the notes I had written on it and things I had underlined that applied to me . I drew a blank . I couldn 't remember most of them , which oddly enough is a symptom . She watched me walk and did agree that I have an abnormal gait . She it is confirmed that I walk funny and an probably clumsy because of it . She said I didn 't have dyspraxia ( remember she didn 't know what it was at the beginning of the appointment and didn 't read the documents I brought with me that explained what it was ) because people with dyspraxia ( even though she doesn 't know what dyspraxia is ) can 't do simple tasks ( which as far as I know is NOT a symptom or result of dyspraxia ) . She is scheduling me for a MRI because I have a lot of headaches and have an abnormal gait . It is scheduled for Friday and I am taking advantage of sedation for it . I get uncomfortable watching people have their heads in enclosed spaces and the idea of having my head enclosed in a noisy MRI machine is something that makes me very uncomfortable and fills me with dread . I have a follow up at the end of June and I think I am going to find a doctor that knows what dyspraxia is . Only when someone who knows what dyspraxia is tells me that I don 't have it will I believe them . So as it stands it is official , I walk funny and have all my life . Osama Bin Laden is dead . Is it a relief ? I heard the news via facebook . A major event ten years coming and it was all over facebook before CNN reported it . It was on facebook before Yahoo ! carried it on their webpage . It was on facebook an hour before the President announced it . It was on facebook even before a Google search verified it . How the internet has changed in the past decade . I know I was online in 2001 but I was not connected to the world like I am now on facebook . So much has changed just in this short time . We know of world events almost as soon as they happen . Then I think of me and my own world of chaos and how I even share my personal thoughts and life via the internet . I announce things to strangers , family and friends that a decade ago I would have never revealed . People from all over the world have read things that I have written . Would I have believed it in 2001 ? Tomorrow , or rather this morning I have my appointment with a neurologist . My whole life I have felt awkward . I remember in summer camp as a child how I never could get the blue swim badge . Every year I earned the beginner red badge and I hated it . All I needed to do was dive off the edge of the pool into the water . Everyone else could do it , why couldn 't I ? I just couldn 't get my body to do it . Cards are another thing I am uncomfortable with . I cannot shuffle them . It looks so easy , but I can 't do it . These are such simple things but to me they are unobtainable . I still can 't dive . To keep from falling down stairs I hug the wall and hold onto the rail . I don 't step down until I feel the edge of the step with my heel . I have taught myself to do that so I don 't break my ankle again by falling down the stairs . Stepping on an escalator is a nightmare . I step and pray that I will keep my balance and judge the speed correctly so I don 't fall . What will the appointment be like ? I am scared and nervous . Maybe I am just really clumsy and walk into walls , hit my head on the top of the opening of car doors and lose my balance while I am walking for no reason . Maybe I don 't know my left from my right or mix up the greater than and less than symbols because I never really learned these concepts . But I know I will share the results of my appointment with people I will never meet . People in other countries will stumble onto this blog and make judgements about me . Maybe they will think I ask for what I get in this marriage . Maybe they understand why I am still married and are having such a hard time letting go . Maybe they will reach out to me and comment on what I write so I don 't feel so alone . This is possible because our world is so small . In a depression of a key on keyboard or the movement of a mouse people all over the world know a wanted man is killed and that a stay at home mom and hopeful teacher has a doctor appointment in the morning that could change her like . Disney was right : It 's a small world after all . I am a Mommy . All my life that is what I wanted to be . I also am an elementary school teacher . At the moment I am a substitute teacher . I may not have my own classroom but I care about every one of my students like I would if I was their regular teacher . I recently left my husband . What started as a great marriage fell apart over the years into an emotional abusive relationship from him to me . The more independent I got the meaner he got . Finally among a family crisis he decided to leave the country to go to a sporting event . I had an opportunity to leave and I took it . So starts another new beginning for me .

Miss Hailey Bug of Ottawa , is having some trouble adjusting to the temporary state of not having a pack . After nearly 5 days of having 2 labs to play with , as well as her constant companion Gemi , she seems lost . It is further complicated by the Man 's absence in the house . Since " the incident " as those of the house are calling it , she has been sort of avoiding her Lady ( although she did sleep with her , she is not coming and demanding lover and attention ) . Lady was very angry with her after the incident ( but since has been very loving and kind and tried to go about their lives as normally as possible ) . Lady realizes that she also was the one who took the other pack members away and the one who took her to get her nails cut yesterday ( which didn 't go very well . Perhaps given her agitated state as well as the fact that a dog in the store tried to attack her 2 times prior she shouldn 't have done it , but she did get through it ) . Lee is being super calm and quiet . She has not pulled any of her antics . She is being rather dull . When asked Lady said " She is finally the dog of my dreams , but I don 't like the cost of getting her there . Hopefully when Gemi recovers and life gets back to normal she will become herself . Or at least a happier version of this calm dog . " Last night I decided for sleeping Gemi might be the most comfortable on her bed on the floor . Apparently this was too hard . She carried on . So I picked the bed up and put it on the bed . Apparently this was too soft . She carried on . So I lifted her out of the bed , kicked it on the floor and had her sleep just on the bed , apparently this was just right . We had a decent night 's sleep , from 11 until Gemi had to go pee at 5 : 30 . After talking to the wonderfully kind vet at our clinic , Ottawa Vet Hospital , ( my vet of course is on holidays ) , we decided to admit her for 24 - 48 hours . The main reason being the pain meds she can have at home aren 't enough for her , and they can give her good drugs there . ( He says like people , some dogs just respond better or worse to some meds and not to worry too much that she needs stronger drugs ) . He hopes once the pain is under control she will start eating and drinking on her own . She is very bruised and the air is still between the skin and muscles . This will last 10 - 14 days . As for the leg , still can 't tell about the damage given the pain . However , he was hopeful that there was no lasting damage as she would retract it when he squeezed it . He said we really won 't know until the pain is under control . The good things are she does not have a temperature and her gums are not too pale . Yesterday , I am not sure what happened although I was in the room , 2 of the 3 big dogs played too rough with Gemi and she is now in serious but stable condition at the local vet clinic . I don 't know the technical name for the problem , but they shook her and she has shaken Gemi syndrome . The vet seemed to be leaning toward no permanent damage last night , but said we would know more this morning . So I need to wait until about 9 to know . The vet , who went to high school with my sister , had messaged her last night that when she went to check on Gemi before bed and said Gemi wagged her tail when she came in . That sounds promising , there were no wags when I dropped her off . All I asked for on this trip was that no one needed medical attention . Last year I was here the same week and I was swimming in the lake and I cut my foot open . I should have gone and got stitches but I refused . It was my right foot that was cut , so I couldn 't drive myself home , my mom had to . This year it is Gemi . I think next year I won 't come to the beach this week . I think it is best to describe Hailey as having an amazing love for life . That is what we all keep telling ourselves this morning as she is being very annoying . She had us up too early doing her pup things . I tried to get her to settle this morning , but she would not have any of it . After I took the four for their morning business I was delusional that I may actually get to go back to sleep . I crawled in the bed , but then Max and Tendra came with me and Lee would have none of that and started barking at them . We got up , so did my parents . This morning Lee has already had several adventures . One , as always , she knows at feeding time my parents are going to open the door to the magic cupboard that leads to the land of food . She knows if she waits out of sight they will forget about her and not sit / stay her ( a skill she is getting a lot of practice doing ) . Then at the right moment she leaps and gets her whole head and upper body in the bag . She knows if she plays her cards right she can do this 2 times at every meal , when they first open the cupboard to get the dishes and food and when they put them away . Scolding her has no effect , she has her food , she was a wild hunter ! Because clearly we don 't feed her , she was forced to help herself to some human food . My mom made the mistake of leaving her bagel on the counter within puppy reach and she left the room . In her stealth mode we didn 't hear her get up and eat half of it . When my mother returned to the room , she immediately fled from the scene ( she knows it is bad ) , leaving a few scraps that Gemi hoovered up . Eliminating counter surfing will be goal number 1 . ( FYI because Gemi now has a taste for bagel , she is sat beside me making puppy moaning sounds to beg for some ) . With a very full belly , my girl is now sleeping peacefully . She has been up for 45 minutes and I guess accomplished all her goals for before 7 : 15 . Can 't wait to see what other adventures she gets into today ! Well she did it , Hailey plunged right into the lake after the labs , and the look on her face was " What the F * * k was that ! " She only plunged in once , the rest of the time she stayed on the shore playing in the waves . She seems to like that . At least my part water dog is not terrified of the water . The only casualty of yesterday was her collar , which was fraying , it really coming apart and her tag with her name broke . Both will be replaced when we get home . Overall it was a great day ! The 4 dogs have had no problems all being together . They have played nicely . I have been feeding mine in the bedroom at the same time my parent 's dogs get to eat . I don 't think there would be food issues , there hasn 't been issues with sharing bones etc , but since Max is still new , we thought we would play it safe . My father has built gates on his deck so you can sit out and the dogs can sit out . I am guessing that from the top railing to the ground is between 7 - 8 feet . Hailey got on a bench and jumped off the deck and went next door to visit the neighbours . Now we know she can 't just go on the deck and we will have to be careful how we tie her so she doesn 't jump off an hang herself . When visiting the neighbours ( we were invited this time ) Hailey figured out how to get out of her harness . I was able to grab her . Since she couldn 't settle , I ended up just bringing her home and leaving her with my parents dog . Gemi stayed with us . All were fine when I came back 2 hours later ( we were next door and outside , we would have heard them barking if there had been a problem ) . I was smart enough and got my parents to push the twin beds together , so there was a little bit of room for me . I think at any time I had 3 dogs , I think one of the labs always stayed off the bed . I had to keep the door open because Hailey was just not going to settle knowing Max and Tendra were free in the next room . They all actually did great until the sun started to rise around 5 , but I was able to convince them all to stay in the bed until 7 . Hailey is really struggling just to relax . We were up for nearly 2 hours before I could get her to pee this morning . She is very stressed right now ( even though we just came in from a big walk ) . I wonder if some of it has to do with the fact that Tendra and Max are out for their walks ( we all went our own ways this morning , I am sure there will be lots of group walks in the coming days ) . She is a much easier dog at home when I can just put her in the backyard and leave her ! Hopefully it will get easier as she adjusts . She is not being bad per say , she is just busy . Last evening , someone ( not me ) was eating hot dogs for dinner . Someone wanted to give Hailey a big piece of bun . I asked someone not to do this , it would make her sick . Someone said " It is bread , she will be fine . " But this means someone is getting a little restless . In general with our little window a / c units we have kept the house fairly cool . so after they rest from being outside , someone gets in a play mood . I have no problems with the dogs wanting to play in the house . The problem I had with it is the obsessive barking that came with it . It started Wednesday night , Lee would not stop barking . Gemi was not in the mood to play , so Lee barked and barked and barked . Thursday morning , she started it again . We live in a semi so I don 't want this barking to become a habit . I was also trying to work at home and it was annoying . So I decided I needed to get her to stop . As a behaviour analyst , I weighted my options . I didn 't think using a reinforcement strategy was going to end it . ( How as I going to catch her being good if all she was doing was barking ) . This left punishment procedure ( which I don 't like to use , but felt I needed to in this situation ) . I know my parents used a water bottle to spray their dog when she was obsessively barking . This seemed like an easy and not too punishing thing to do . I don 't have a water bottle , but I could flick a little water at her face . The scene went like this . Lee immediately stops barking . She looks at the lady . She shakes her head . She walks toward the patio door and wipes her face on the white curtain . However , shortly after , she started to bark again and I reached for the water and she stopped . She has not barked since . So maybe I taught her something too ! I am working brushing the dog 's teeth into my new bedtime routine . Both tolerate it fairly well . They mostly want just to lick the brush , so getting them to put it in their mouths is not the issue . The issue is actually getting them to stand still , stop licking and allow me to move the brush in their mouth so I do the brushing . I am not sure if I am doing the word 's best job at brushing but I am trying and hopefully as they get use to it , it will be easier . I love my little sister but for some reason I have always wanted the big brother . While my parents never fulfilled my wish , they made this dream come true for their dog Tendra . Tendra is a 2 . 5 year old black lab . Yesterday , my parents became the proud new family for a 3 year old black lab named Max . ( I guess it is true they love their dog more than me ! ) Max 's story is a reminder for me not to judge other dog owners . When his first family adopted him their life circumstances were very different . However in the last 3 years things have happened and they realized they were not providing Max with the care he needed . They realized their life was not going to allow this to happen . They made the decision to find him a more appropriate home . Which I am certain they did . I can 't even imagine making this choice . We had only had Hailey for short period of time ( less than 2 weeks ) when she bit Gemi and even with this act of violence I could not imagine having had to give her up . I will remind myself when I hear about people giving up their dogs in a responsible fashion that there may be a good reason for this , and to be thankful I am no in their shoes . We had one of those rare Ottawa weekend where the heat was stifling and oppressive . Perhaps as true Canadian girl , I prefer the cold . You can do things to stay warm when out ( layers upon layers of clothes , movement ) , but there is not much you can do outside when it is that hot . Even being naked wouldn 't cool you down ! This heat made us bad dog owners . We didn 't get the dogs out like we should have . Saturday , Gemi was still recovering and really cared less . Sunday , the pair had moments when they wanted to go outside . Half the time they asked , you would open the door , they would look outside , maybe take half a step and then come back in ( I guess that little window air conditioner really works ! ) . If they did go out it was for about 3 minutes ( this meant I got my exercise standing up to let them out ) and then come inside panting up a storm . Then they would lay on the floor for 15 minutes or so not moving , before asking to go out again . When we were finally being brave enough to take them out , a freak storm hit the city . The winds were so strong they collapsed an outdoor stage . It may have been cooler , but it was not safe to go out . I am worried about the heat and next weekend . I will be traveling 700 km with the dogs to the lake for a week . I will be alone and I am sure will need to run in to use the bathroom once or twice on the way . I will have no option but to leave them in the car . I think I will use the car started and keep the a / c running while I make the 2 minute dash to do my business ! Apparently brushing her teeth is not offensive . In fact she is very good at it . So don 't brush her fur or cut her nails , but brush away ! What a girl ! Yesterday was another day of torturing the dogs . They have had a brief discussion on who was more tortured , Lee insists it was here and Gemi doesn 't feel well enough to argue . It was Gemi 's teeth cleaning day . Our morning routine was more or less the same , minus the not feeding the dogs . They were both rather stressed about this and kept going to the kitchen to stand beside their bowls . Drew held Hailey , while I took Gemi out of the house to drive her to the clinic . It wasn 't as big an ordeal as it could have been . Lee 's first day alone in the house in 10 months ( alone meaning no Gemi ) . I am THRILLED to report , no damage ! She did nothing bad . I can 't believe it . After work Lee and I went and picked up Gemi . Lee hated being at the clinic at first , she was whining and barking and freaking out . However , she did calm down . We never left the waiting room so perhaps the place is a little less offensive now . Gemi had a lot of gingivitis around her canine teeth , and a little tarter on the rest . They decided not to pull the chipped one . As of now the root looks good and it is not loose etc . She just needed a cleaning . In a few days we are to start the teeth brushing ( at least 2 - 3 times a week , or as my note from my vet said " it is a waste of time ) . She also has to start eating a dental food ( it can be used as treats her teeth aren 't that bad ) . But we must let her recover before we start all of this . I asked the vet if there was a reason Gemi had these problems and not the other dogs . ( I think my quote was like Loki never had teeth problems and he had a lot of problems ) . They are on the same food , and the vet 's answer was " I can 't tell you . " It appears , just like people , some dogs are more prone to teeth problems . I hope with our new and exciting dental routine it won 't be a problem anymore . Lee was thrilled to see Gemi , but she was not thrilled to see us . I think she was still stoned . Seeing that stoned little dog was both funny and sad . When I got her home and lifted her out of the car , she collapsed on the grass . It took a lot of coaxing to get her to walk into the house . She spent the entire evening laying on the couch . I kept offering her food and she kept giving me the look of death . They told me to feed her when she got home , but she wasn 't having any of that . Finally around 9 pm she ate a little and went out . Gemi is still in bed . She does not want to get up . Hailey and the cats are waiting impatiently for breakfast . I am proud to say the late afternoon stress seemed to tire LeeLee out . She let me sleep in until 7 ! Hmmmm , what sort of torture will tire her out tonight ! Her position for the evening . My poor girl ! Apparently if you torture Lee the night before she will sleep in . Last night we tortured the dogs . First we went for a drive across the city to pick something up . I tired to make a video of them carrying on in the car , but it didn 't work . Gemi was wearing her new car harness for the very first time . Then we drove to PetSmart to get Lee 's nails cut . This started off very embarrassing . She was so upset they didn 't think it was safe to have her on the table and they had to hold her on the floor . Finally someone , I am not sure who , Drew had gone into the room to see if that helped , tried giving her cookies as they were going it . This she liked and as long as they gave her cookies she was fine . In the end it was the best nail cutting yet ! That may be the secret . I guess all of this was too much for her . I was aware of Lee getting on the bed around 5 , but she settled right down . I will have to figure out a way to torture her tonight so I can sleep in a little tomorrow ( on Saturday ! ) I am dreaming that I am in the upstairs hall of my childhood home . In that hallway Loki has miraculously come back to life . We can 't believe that our cremated dog has risen from the dead . We are so happy to see him and he is playing with Gemi and Hailey ( and now I have my 3 dogs ) . People are telling us we should go on TV and share our story with our " zombie " dog , but I don 't want to . I just want to enjoy playing with him . I just want to touch his soft fur ( at the end of his life due to the drug combo , Lo had the softest coat on the planet ! ) . I am enjoying being with my 3 dogs when . . . . back to reality . 5 : 11 , the beast makes her way out from her cave and begins scratching at the door . I call her back to bed and she comes . She gets herself in the most awkward reverse c shape . Her head is by our bums and her bum is in my face . She wants belly rubs and she is farting . On top of this she won 't stay still . She is constantly re - arranging herself , so I am constantly getting kicked in the face . Not to be left out of the dawn love fest , Gemi has made her way to the middle of the bed and is demanding love . So with one hand I am trying to rub Lee 's belly , with the other Gemi 's chest . After the 15th kick in the face I roll over , hoping this will settle everyone down . Nope , this signals get up time and now Lee is back at the door . When I call her , she comes to my side of the bed . She kisses my face and grabs my arm with her paws . There is no way she is going back to sleep . So at 5 : 25ish , I am up with the dogs . I don 't have to be up for another 1 . 5 hours . The problem is now that I am up , I am awake . There will be no more sleeping . No more delightful dreams . Oh well , there is always tonight . During a thunderstorm he had to get Gemini and only Gemini out of the house . Miss Hailey Bug was determined to go as well and it took a lot of tricking and blocking to get just Gemi out of the house . ( Note : the lady would have taken both with her to avoid this . It probably would have been easier ) . When the lady returned about 30 minutes after the challenge she was greeted by an out of control Miss Bug . Bug jumped in circles and was frantic . She was pacing and panting and near hysterical . There was no thunder when the lady returned and she did not know it had happened . When Gemi arrived home shortly after , Miss Bug was beside herself to see her . She went and greeted her enthusiastically . Gemi was not as happy to see her , she was more thrilled to see the lady . Gemi will be having some dental surgery on Friday to get her teeth cleaned and some xrays . The lady needs to work out of the house that day . Here is hopping that the Bug doesn 't destroy the place . Bug in her fortress of solitude Yesterday , at the dog park , Miss Hailey Bug got to be off leash the entire time we were there . Including our walk through the woods . She has had to be on leash some of the time since her success at catching a squirrel in May . This is a huge accomplishment for her . YAY ! Miss Cricket had been demonstrating a pickiness for her food in the past few days . For those of you who know her , this is not unusual . Cricket has always had days where she doesn 't want to eat , so it is not so strange . However , after a couple days of her just wanting to eat her soft food , her people got a little suspicious . They knew she had a chipped tooth ( the vet had looked at it about 2 months ago and said it wasn 't a problem right now and when it was we would fix it ) , so they decided to check it out . What they found shocked them . Poor Miss Crick , has a gum infection around both her top canine teeth . They felt horrible and immediately called the vet ( whose home number is on their speed dial , the blessing of having a good friend who is a vet ) . He agreed to go in to the clinic on Monday to see Miss Cricket . ( He is confident she will be fine until them ) . Miss Cricket said she tried to tell her people her mouth hurt and they are neglectful . Bagheera here . I never get to be part of the blog so I took it over today . Half my life has been part of a dog infested world . I have tried a lot of things to get those beasts out of my house . I tried beating them ( which worked until the dog got larger than me ) . I tried ignoring them and the people who stupidly brought them here . That didn 't work . In fact they continued to bring dogs in . Since the disappearance of the first dog I have tried to be more tolerant of the current two . They are girls which makes them less offensive and for the most part they listen to my bitching to tell them to leave me alone , and I use Nin as bait for them so they leave me alone . I found a great one . The people keep the dogs locked in their bedroom at night . This means I get the run of the house . This is great . But in the early morning hours , Nin and I go outside the bedroom door and whisper things about how we are playing with the dogs toys and eating their food . The white one is not fooled by this ( but she is my favourite , if I were to have a favourite dog ) , but the black one , she goes crazy . She will scratch and scratch at the bedroom door . The people will try and ignore her or scold her but in the end they always end up getting up with her . I get to stress her out and make the people who ruined my world by bring those stupid things into the house a little less happy . I love to torture her . No good ever came out of a Thursday , and yesterday was no exception . It started with 30 minutes of obsessive barking because there were landscapers out front and they were talking . Apparently they were plotting a world take over or something that Lee thought we should all know about . 1 ) His winter jacket had been attacked . ( We have an open closet area that has had our coats in it for 10 months and she has never gone near them . The closet is now empty ) . My guess why she did this is either she believed this signalled the return of bad winter , or she finds it too hot and she is trying to tell us she wants it to be winter . 2 ) 2 tennis balls must have fallen off a shelf and now there is only one . She ate one . Not ripped it up and destroyed it , but ate it . Apparently ( as I was not here ) she threw up a chewed up tennis ball . ( Yes we do feed her ) . Lady : " Lee that is because when you see them you go into stalking mode . You look like you are going to hunt them . Their people and the dogs may find that scary . " I made extra sure to give her a great walk yesterday morning . I even snuck out without Gemi ( who was very angry when we got home ) . It was a great walk . I got home and found : 2 ) she had somehow gotten a pair of shoes ( both my husband and I were sure they were in the cupboard , but I guess not ) . Fortunately it does not appear she has chewed them . One was in the hall , the other was in Gemi 's pile ( perhaps Gemi rescued it for me ) . I had cut myself a wonderful piece of chocolate banana bread . It was on the counter , I hadn 't pushed back far enough while I turned to get something out of the fridge . She grabbed it off the counter and eaten it and then ran and hid . I am sure the small amount of chocolate in it will not kill her , although let me tell you I wanted to . I put her outside and cut myself another piece and ate it in peace ! Drew faced similar challenges making dinner . She was up at the counter every time he turned . Our girl has become a great counter surfer and it is driving us nuts ! Maybe we should just get higher counters . If only their was an award for counter surfing ! I have been slightly negligent in brushing Miss Bug , so when I went to do it yesterday I was prepared for the show . Much to my surprise , she hardly flinched when I started . Then she flopped down and her body language suggested she may have actually liked it ! We are the dog owners who allow the dogs to sleep in our bed at night . I had originally hoped that we would train Lee to sleep on the floor ( she takes up a lot of room in the bed ) . However , my attempts to do so were blocked by the other person in the bed . This made a full bed , extra full on nights we let the cats in the room . Recently , and I don 't know why ( perhaps due to the window A / C and fans ) Miss Hailey Bug has decided the bed is not for her , but rather her spot is in the cave under the bed . This has meant way more space glorious space in the bed . Gemi hardly takes up any room , she curls up in a little ball by feet . Generally , as soon as I start to stir , Lee comes out from the cave excited to be alive . Often around 5 : 30am she joins us in the bed to see if we are awake ( she is ready to start her day , she can 't understand why we are not facing life with the same excitement ! ) The other morning I got up , went to the bathroom , and she still wasn 't out . I called her and she didn 't come out . Finally , we looked and because of the placement of a laundry basket by the bed she was stuck . She didn 't make a noise she was just sitting stuck in her cave . What a girl ! Lee : " Birds , I love birds . Oh no , what is that noise ? I don 't like it . Why are we going out when there is that noise ? What type of birds are those ? I will stick to chasing robins . " Gemi : " Stop that noise . Stop exploding things . It is interfering with the Princess ' beauty rest . Stupid Canada Day , first I am not the only Princess in town and now this . "

Miss Hailey Bug of Ottawa , is having some trouble adjusting to the temporary state of not having a pack . After nearly 5 days of having 2 labs to play with , as well as her constant companion Gemi , she seems lost . It is further complicated by the Man 's absence in the house . Since " the incident " as those of the house are calling it , she has been sort of avoiding her Lady ( although she did sleep with her , she is not coming and demanding lover and attention ) . Lady was very angry with her after the incident ( but since has been very loving and kind and tried to go about their lives as normally as possible ) . Lady realizes that she also was the one who took the other pack members away and the one who took her to get her nails cut yesterday ( which didn 't go very well . Perhaps given her agitated state as well as the fact that a dog in the store tried to attack her 2 times prior she shouldn 't have done it , but she did get through it ) . Lee is being super calm and quiet . She has not pulled any of her antics . She is being rather dull . When asked Lady said " She is finally the dog of my dreams , but I don 't like the cost of getting her there . Hopefully when Gemi recovers and life gets back to normal she will become herself . Or at least a happier version of this calm dog . " Last night I decided for sleeping Gemi might be the most comfortable on her bed on the floor . Apparently this was too hard . She carried on . So I picked the bed up and put it on the bed . Apparently this was too soft . She carried on . So I lifted her out of the bed , kicked it on the floor and had her sleep just on the bed , apparently this was just right . We had a decent night 's sleep , from 11 until Gemi had to go pee at 5 : 30 . After talking to the wonderfully kind vet at our clinic , Ottawa Vet Hospital , ( my vet of course is on holidays ) , we decided to admit her for 24 - 48 hours . The main reason being the pain meds she can have at home aren 't enough for her , and they can give her good drugs there . ( He says like people , some dogs just respond better or worse to some meds and not to worry too much that she needs stronger drugs ) . He hopes once the pain is under control she will start eating and drinking on her own . She is very bruised and the air is still between the skin and muscles . This will last 10 - 14 days . As for the leg , still can 't tell about the damage given the pain . However , he was hopeful that there was no lasting damage as she would retract it when he squeezed it . He said we really won 't know until the pain is under control . The good things are she does not have a temperature and her gums are not too pale . Yesterday , I am not sure what happened although I was in the room , 2 of the 3 big dogs played too rough with Gemi and she is now in serious but stable condition at the local vet clinic . I don 't know the technical name for the problem , but they shook her and she has shaken Gemi syndrome . The vet seemed to be leaning toward no permanent damage last night , but said we would know more this morning . So I need to wait until about 9 to know . The vet , who went to high school with my sister , had messaged her last night that when she went to check on Gemi before bed and said Gemi wagged her tail when she came in . That sounds promising , there were no wags when I dropped her off . All I asked for on this trip was that no one needed medical attention . Last year I was here the same week and I was swimming in the lake and I cut my foot open . I should have gone and got stitches but I refused . It was my right foot that was cut , so I couldn 't drive myself home , my mom had to . This year it is Gemi . I think next year I won 't come to the beach this week . I think it is best to describe Hailey as having an amazing love for life . That is what we all keep telling ourselves this morning as she is being very annoying . She had us up too early doing her pup things . I tried to get her to settle this morning , but she would not have any of it . After I took the four for their morning business I was delusional that I may actually get to go back to sleep . I crawled in the bed , but then Max and Tendra came with me and Lee would have none of that and started barking at them . We got up , so did my parents . This morning Lee has already had several adventures . One , as always , she knows at feeding time my parents are going to open the door to the magic cupboard that leads to the land of food . She knows if she waits out of sight they will forget about her and not sit / stay her ( a skill she is getting a lot of practice doing ) . Then at the right moment she leaps and gets her whole head and upper body in the bag . She knows if she plays her cards right she can do this 2 times at every meal , when they first open the cupboard to get the dishes and food and when they put them away . Scolding her has no effect , she has her food , she was a wild hunter ! Because clearly we don 't feed her , she was forced to help herself to some human food . My mom made the mistake of leaving her bagel on the counter within puppy reach and she left the room . In her stealth mode we didn 't hear her get up and eat half of it . When my mother returned to the room , she immediately fled from the scene ( she knows it is bad ) , leaving a few scraps that Gemi hoovered up . Eliminating counter surfing will be goal number 1 . ( FYI because Gemi now has a taste for bagel , she is sat beside me making puppy moaning sounds to beg for some ) . With a very full belly , my girl is now sleeping peacefully . She has been up for 45 minutes and I guess accomplished all her goals for before 7 : 15 . Can 't wait to see what other adventures she gets into today ! Well she did it , Hailey plunged right into the lake after the labs , and the look on her face was " What the F * * k was that ! " She only plunged in once , the rest of the time she stayed on the shore playing in the waves . She seems to like that . At least my part water dog is not terrified of the water . The only casualty of yesterday was her collar , which was fraying , it really coming apart and her tag with her name broke . Both will be replaced when we get home . Overall it was a great day ! The 4 dogs have had no problems all being together . They have played nicely . I have been feeding mine in the bedroom at the same time my parent 's dogs get to eat . I don 't think there would be food issues , there hasn 't been issues with sharing bones etc , but since Max is still new , we thought we would play it safe . My father has built gates on his deck so you can sit out and the dogs can sit out . I am guessing that from the top railing to the ground is between 7 - 8 feet . Hailey got on a bench and jumped off the deck and went next door to visit the neighbours . Now we know she can 't just go on the deck and we will have to be careful how we tie her so she doesn 't jump off an hang herself . When visiting the neighbours ( we were invited this time ) Hailey figured out how to get out of her harness . I was able to grab her . Since she couldn 't settle , I ended up just bringing her home and leaving her with my parents dog . Gemi stayed with us . All were fine when I came back 2 hours later ( we were next door and outside , we would have heard them barking if there had been a problem ) . I was smart enough and got my parents to push the twin beds together , so there was a little bit of room for me . I think at any time I had 3 dogs , I think one of the labs always stayed off the bed . I had to keep the door open because Hailey was just not going to settle knowing Max and Tendra were free in the next room . They all actually did great until the sun started to rise around 5 , but I was able to convince them all to stay in the bed until 7 . Hailey is really struggling just to relax . We were up for nearly 2 hours before I could get her to pee this morning . She is very stressed right now ( even though we just came in from a big walk ) . I wonder if some of it has to do with the fact that Tendra and Max are out for their walks ( we all went our own ways this morning , I am sure there will be lots of group walks in the coming days ) . She is a much easier dog at home when I can just put her in the backyard and leave her ! Hopefully it will get easier as she adjusts . She is not being bad per say , she is just busy . Last evening , someone ( not me ) was eating hot dogs for dinner . Someone wanted to give Hailey a big piece of bun . I asked someone not to do this , it would make her sick . Someone said " It is bread , she will be fine . " But this means someone is getting a little restless . In general with our little window a / c units we have kept the house fairly cool . so after they rest from being outside , someone gets in a play mood . I have no problems with the dogs wanting to play in the house . The problem I had with it is the obsessive barking that came with it . It started Wednesday night , Lee would not stop barking . Gemi was not in the mood to play , so Lee barked and barked and barked . Thursday morning , she started it again . We live in a semi so I don 't want this barking to become a habit . I was also trying to work at home and it was annoying . So I decided I needed to get her to stop . As a behaviour analyst , I weighted my options . I didn 't think using a reinforcement strategy was going to end it . ( How as I going to catch her being good if all she was doing was barking ) . This left punishment procedure ( which I don 't like to use , but felt I needed to in this situation ) . I know my parents used a water bottle to spray their dog when she was obsessively barking . This seemed like an easy and not too punishing thing to do . I don 't have a water bottle , but I could flick a little water at her face . The scene went like this . Lee immediately stops barking . She looks at the lady . She shakes her head . She walks toward the patio door and wipes her face on the white curtain . However , shortly after , she started to bark again and I reached for the water and she stopped . She has not barked since . So maybe I taught her something too ! I am working brushing the dog 's teeth into my new bedtime routine . Both tolerate it fairly well . They mostly want just to lick the brush , so getting them to put it in their mouths is not the issue . The issue is actually getting them to stand still , stop licking and allow me to move the brush in their mouth so I do the brushing . I am not sure if I am doing the word 's best job at brushing but I am trying and hopefully as they get use to it , it will be easier . I love my little sister but for some reason I have always wanted the big brother . While my parents never fulfilled my wish , they made this dream come true for their dog Tendra . Tendra is a 2 . 5 year old black lab . Yesterday , my parents became the proud new family for a 3 year old black lab named Max . ( I guess it is true they love their dog more than me ! ) Max 's story is a reminder for me not to judge other dog owners . When his first family adopted him their life circumstances were very different . However in the last 3 years things have happened and they realized they were not providing Max with the care he needed . They realized their life was not going to allow this to happen . They made the decision to find him a more appropriate home . Which I am certain they did . I can 't even imagine making this choice . We had only had Hailey for short period of time ( less than 2 weeks ) when she bit Gemi and even with this act of violence I could not imagine having had to give her up . I will remind myself when I hear about people giving up their dogs in a responsible fashion that there may be a good reason for this , and to be thankful I am no in their shoes . We had one of those rare Ottawa weekend where the heat was stifling and oppressive . Perhaps as true Canadian girl , I prefer the cold . You can do things to stay warm when out ( layers upon layers of clothes , movement ) , but there is not much you can do outside when it is that hot . Even being naked wouldn 't cool you down ! This heat made us bad dog owners . We didn 't get the dogs out like we should have . Saturday , Gemi was still recovering and really cared less . Sunday , the pair had moments when they wanted to go outside . Half the time they asked , you would open the door , they would look outside , maybe take half a step and then come back in ( I guess that little window air conditioner really works ! ) . If they did go out it was for about 3 minutes ( this meant I got my exercise standing up to let them out ) and then come inside panting up a storm . Then they would lay on the floor for 15 minutes or so not moving , before asking to go out again . When we were finally being brave enough to take them out , a freak storm hit the city . The winds were so strong they collapsed an outdoor stage . It may have been cooler , but it was not safe to go out . I am worried about the heat and next weekend . I will be traveling 700 km with the dogs to the lake for a week . I will be alone and I am sure will need to run in to use the bathroom once or twice on the way . I will have no option but to leave them in the car . I think I will use the car started and keep the a / c running while I make the 2 minute dash to do my business ! Apparently brushing her teeth is not offensive . In fact she is very good at it . So don 't brush her fur or cut her nails , but brush away ! What a girl ! Yesterday was another day of torturing the dogs . They have had a brief discussion on who was more tortured , Lee insists it was here and Gemi doesn 't feel well enough to argue . It was Gemi 's teeth cleaning day . Our morning routine was more or less the same , minus the not feeding the dogs . They were both rather stressed about this and kept going to the kitchen to stand beside their bowls . Drew held Hailey , while I took Gemi out of the house to drive her to the clinic . It wasn 't as big an ordeal as it could have been . Lee 's first day alone in the house in 10 months ( alone meaning no Gemi ) . I am THRILLED to report , no damage ! She did nothing bad . I can 't believe it . After work Lee and I went and picked up Gemi . Lee hated being at the clinic at first , she was whining and barking and freaking out . However , she did calm down . We never left the waiting room so perhaps the place is a little less offensive now . Gemi had a lot of gingivitis around her canine teeth , and a little tarter on the rest . They decided not to pull the chipped one . As of now the root looks good and it is not loose etc . She just needed a cleaning . In a few days we are to start the teeth brushing ( at least 2 - 3 times a week , or as my note from my vet said " it is a waste of time ) . She also has to start eating a dental food ( it can be used as treats her teeth aren 't that bad ) . But we must let her recover before we start all of this . I asked the vet if there was a reason Gemi had these problems and not the other dogs . ( I think my quote was like Loki never had teeth problems and he had a lot of problems ) . They are on the same food , and the vet 's answer was " I can 't tell you . " It appears , just like people , some dogs are more prone to teeth problems . I hope with our new and exciting dental routine it won 't be a problem anymore . Lee was thrilled to see Gemi , but she was not thrilled to see us . I think she was still stoned . Seeing that stoned little dog was both funny and sad . When I got her home and lifted her out of the car , she collapsed on the grass . It took a lot of coaxing to get her to walk into the house . She spent the entire evening laying on the couch . I kept offering her food and she kept giving me the look of death . They told me to feed her when she got home , but she wasn 't having any of that . Finally around 9 pm she ate a little and went out . Gemi is still in bed . She does not want to get up . Hailey and the cats are waiting impatiently for breakfast . I am proud to say the late afternoon stress seemed to tire LeeLee out . She let me sleep in until 7 ! Hmmmm , what sort of torture will tire her out tonight ! Her position for the evening . My poor girl ! Apparently if you torture Lee the night before she will sleep in . Last night we tortured the dogs . First we went for a drive across the city to pick something up . I tired to make a video of them carrying on in the car , but it didn 't work . Gemi was wearing her new car harness for the very first time . Then we drove to PetSmart to get Lee 's nails cut . This started off very embarrassing . She was so upset they didn 't think it was safe to have her on the table and they had to hold her on the floor . Finally someone , I am not sure who , Drew had gone into the room to see if that helped , tried giving her cookies as they were going it . This she liked and as long as they gave her cookies she was fine . In the end it was the best nail cutting yet ! That may be the secret . I guess all of this was too much for her . I was aware of Lee getting on the bed around 5 , but she settled right down . I will have to figure out a way to torture her tonight so I can sleep in a little tomorrow ( on Saturday ! ) I am dreaming that I am in the upstairs hall of my childhood home . In that hallway Loki has miraculously come back to life . We can 't believe that our cremated dog has risen from the dead . We are so happy to see him and he is playing with Gemi and Hailey ( and now I have my 3 dogs ) . People are telling us we should go on TV and share our story with our " zombie " dog , but I don 't want to . I just want to enjoy playing with him . I just want to touch his soft fur ( at the end of his life due to the drug combo , Lo had the softest coat on the planet ! ) . I am enjoying being with my 3 dogs when . . . . back to reality . 5 : 11 , the beast makes her way out from her cave and begins scratching at the door . I call her back to bed and she comes . She gets herself in the most awkward reverse c shape . Her head is by our bums and her bum is in my face . She wants belly rubs and she is farting . On top of this she won 't stay still . She is constantly re - arranging herself , so I am constantly getting kicked in the face . Not to be left out of the dawn love fest , Gemi has made her way to the middle of the bed and is demanding love . So with one hand I am trying to rub Lee 's belly , with the other Gemi 's chest . After the 15th kick in the face I roll over , hoping this will settle everyone down . Nope , this signals get up time and now Lee is back at the door . When I call her , she comes to my side of the bed . She kisses my face and grabs my arm with her paws . There is no way she is going back to sleep . So at 5 : 25ish , I am up with the dogs . I don 't have to be up for another 1 . 5 hours . The problem is now that I am up , I am awake . There will be no more sleeping . No more delightful dreams . Oh well , there is always tonight . During a thunderstorm he had to get Gemini and only Gemini out of the house . Miss Hailey Bug was determined to go as well and it took a lot of tricking and blocking to get just Gemi out of the house . ( Note : the lady would have taken both with her to avoid this . It probably would have been easier ) . When the lady returned about 30 minutes after the challenge she was greeted by an out of control Miss Bug . Bug jumped in circles and was frantic . She was pacing and panting and near hysterical . There was no thunder when the lady returned and she did not know it had happened . When Gemi arrived home shortly after , Miss Bug was beside herself to see her . She went and greeted her enthusiastically . Gemi was not as happy to see her , she was more thrilled to see the lady . Gemi will be having some dental surgery on Friday to get her teeth cleaned and some xrays . The lady needs to work out of the house that day . Here is hopping that the Bug doesn 't destroy the place . Bug in her fortress of solitude Yesterday , at the dog park , Miss Hailey Bug got to be off leash the entire time we were there . Including our walk through the woods . She has had to be on leash some of the time since her success at catching a squirrel in May . This is a huge accomplishment for her . YAY ! Miss Cricket had been demonstrating a pickiness for her food in the past few days . For those of you who know her , this is not unusual . Cricket has always had days where she doesn 't want to eat , so it is not so strange . However , after a couple days of her just wanting to eat her soft food , her people got a little suspicious . They knew she had a chipped tooth ( the vet had looked at it about 2 months ago and said it wasn 't a problem right now and when it was we would fix it ) , so they decided to check it out . What they found shocked them . Poor Miss Crick , has a gum infection around both her top canine teeth . They felt horrible and immediately called the vet ( whose home number is on their speed dial , the blessing of having a good friend who is a vet ) . He agreed to go in to the clinic on Monday to see Miss Cricket . ( He is confident she will be fine until them ) . Miss Cricket said she tried to tell her people her mouth hurt and they are neglectful . Bagheera here . I never get to be part of the blog so I took it over today . Half my life has been part of a dog infested world . I have tried a lot of things to get those beasts out of my house . I tried beating them ( which worked until the dog got larger than me ) . I tried ignoring them and the people who stupidly brought them here . That didn 't work . In fact they continued to bring dogs in . Since the disappearance of the first dog I have tried to be more tolerant of the current two . They are girls which makes them less offensive and for the most part they listen to my bitching to tell them to leave me alone , and I use Nin as bait for them so they leave me alone . I found a great one . The people keep the dogs locked in their bedroom at night . This means I get the run of the house . This is great . But in the early morning hours , Nin and I go outside the bedroom door and whisper things about how we are playing with the dogs toys and eating their food . The white one is not fooled by this ( but she is my favourite , if I were to have a favourite dog ) , but the black one , she goes crazy . She will scratch and scratch at the bedroom door . The people will try and ignore her or scold her but in the end they always end up getting up with her . I get to stress her out and make the people who ruined my world by bring those stupid things into the house a little less happy . I love to torture her . No good ever came out of a Thursday , and yesterday was no exception . It started with 30 minutes of obsessive barking because there were landscapers out front and they were talking . Apparently they were plotting a world take over or something that Lee thought we should all know about . 1 ) His winter jacket had been attacked . ( We have an open closet area that has had our coats in it for 10 months and she has never gone near them . The closet is now empty ) . My guess why she did this is either she believed this signalled the return of bad winter , or she finds it too hot and she is trying to tell us she wants it to be winter . 2 ) 2 tennis balls must have fallen off a shelf and now there is only one . She ate one . Not ripped it up and destroyed it , but ate it . Apparently ( as I was not here ) she threw up a chewed up tennis ball . ( Yes we do feed her ) . Lady : " Lee that is because when you see them you go into stalking mode . You look like you are going to hunt them . Their people and the dogs may find that scary . " I made extra sure to give her a great walk yesterday morning . I even snuck out without Gemi ( who was very angry when we got home ) . It was a great walk . I got home and found : 2 ) she had somehow gotten a pair of shoes ( both my husband and I were sure they were in the cupboard , but I guess not ) . Fortunately it does not appear she has chewed them . One was in the hall , the other was in Gemi 's pile ( perhaps Gemi rescued it for me ) . I had cut myself a wonderful piece of chocolate banana bread . It was on the counter , I hadn 't pushed back far enough while I turned to get something out of the fridge . She grabbed it off the counter and eaten it and then ran and hid . I am sure the small amount of chocolate in it will not kill her , although let me tell you I wanted to . I put her outside and cut myself another piece and ate it in peace ! Drew faced similar challenges making dinner . She was up at the counter every time he turned . Our girl has become a great counter surfer and it is driving us nuts ! Maybe we should just get higher counters . If only their was an award for counter surfing ! I have been slightly negligent in brushing Miss Bug , so when I went to do it yesterday I was prepared for the show . Much to my surprise , she hardly flinched when I started . Then she flopped down and her body language suggested she may have actually liked it ! We are the dog owners who allow the dogs to sleep in our bed at night . I had originally hoped that we would train Lee to sleep on the floor ( she takes up a lot of room in the bed ) . However , my attempts to do so were blocked by the other person in the bed . This made a full bed , extra full on nights we let the cats in the room . Recently , and I don 't know why ( perhaps due to the window A / C and fans ) Miss Hailey Bug has decided the bed is not for her , but rather her spot is in the cave under the bed . This has meant way more space glorious space in the bed . Gemi hardly takes up any room , she curls up in a little ball by feet . Generally , as soon as I start to stir , Lee comes out from the cave excited to be alive . Often around 5 : 30am she joins us in the bed to see if we are awake ( she is ready to start her day , she can 't understand why we are not facing life with the same excitement ! ) The other morning I got up , went to the bathroom , and she still wasn 't out . I called her and she didn 't come out . Finally , we looked and because of the placement of a laundry basket by the bed she was stuck . She didn 't make a noise she was just sitting stuck in her cave . What a girl ! Lee : " Birds , I love birds . Oh no , what is that noise ? I don 't like it . Why are we going out when there is that noise ? What type of birds are those ? I will stick to chasing robins . " Gemi : " Stop that noise . Stop exploding things . It is interfering with the Princess ' beauty rest . Stupid Canada Day , first I am not the only Princess in town and now this . "

Miss Hailey Bug of Ottawa , is having some trouble adjusting to the temporary state of not having a pack . After nearly 5 days of having 2 labs to play with , as well as her constant companion Gemi , she seems lost . It is further complicated by the Man 's absence in the house . Since " the incident " as those of the house are calling it , she has been sort of avoiding her Lady ( although she did sleep with her , she is not coming and demanding lover and attention ) . Lady was very angry with her after the incident ( but since has been very loving and kind and tried to go about their lives as normally as possible ) . Lady realizes that she also was the one who took the other pack members away and the one who took her to get her nails cut yesterday ( which didn 't go very well . Perhaps given her agitated state as well as the fact that a dog in the store tried to attack her 2 times prior she shouldn 't have done it , but she did get through it ) . Lee is being super calm and quiet . She has not pulled any of her antics . She is being rather dull . When asked Lady said " She is finally the dog of my dreams , but I don 't like the cost of getting her there . Hopefully when Gemi recovers and life gets back to normal she will become herself . Or at least a happier version of this calm dog . " Last night I decided for sleeping Gemi might be the most comfortable on her bed on the floor . Apparently this was too hard . She carried on . So I picked the bed up and put it on the bed . Apparently this was too soft . She carried on . So I lifted her out of the bed , kicked it on the floor and had her sleep just on the bed , apparently this was just right . We had a decent night 's sleep , from 11 until Gemi had to go pee at 5 : 30 . After talking to the wonderfully kind vet at our clinic , Ottawa Vet Hospital , ( my vet of course is on holidays ) , we decided to admit her for 24 - 48 hours . The main reason being the pain meds she can have at home aren 't enough for her , and they can give her good drugs there . ( He says like people , some dogs just respond better or worse to some meds and not to worry too much that she needs stronger drugs ) . He hopes once the pain is under control she will start eating and drinking on her own . She is very bruised and the air is still between the skin and muscles . This will last 10 - 14 days . As for the leg , still can 't tell about the damage given the pain . However , he was hopeful that there was no lasting damage as she would retract it when he squeezed it . He said we really won 't know until the pain is under control . The good things are she does not have a temperature and her gums are not too pale . Yesterday , I am not sure what happened although I was in the room , 2 of the 3 big dogs played too rough with Gemi and she is now in serious but stable condition at the local vet clinic . I don 't know the technical name for the problem , but they shook her and she has shaken Gemi syndrome . The vet seemed to be leaning toward no permanent damage last night , but said we would know more this morning . So I need to wait until about 9 to know . The vet , who went to high school with my sister , had messaged her last night that when she went to check on Gemi before bed and said Gemi wagged her tail when she came in . That sounds promising , there were no wags when I dropped her off . All I asked for on this trip was that no one needed medical attention . Last year I was here the same week and I was swimming in the lake and I cut my foot open . I should have gone and got stitches but I refused . It was my right foot that was cut , so I couldn 't drive myself home , my mom had to . This year it is Gemi . I think next year I won 't come to the beach this week . I think it is best to describe Hailey as having an amazing love for life . That is what we all keep telling ourselves this morning as she is being very annoying . She had us up too early doing her pup things . I tried to get her to settle this morning , but she would not have any of it . After I took the four for their morning business I was delusional that I may actually get to go back to sleep . I crawled in the bed , but then Max and Tendra came with me and Lee would have none of that and started barking at them . We got up , so did my parents . This morning Lee has already had several adventures . One , as always , she knows at feeding time my parents are going to open the door to the magic cupboard that leads to the land of food . She knows if she waits out of sight they will forget about her and not sit / stay her ( a skill she is getting a lot of practice doing ) . Then at the right moment she leaps and gets her whole head and upper body in the bag . She knows if she plays her cards right she can do this 2 times at every meal , when they first open the cupboard to get the dishes and food and when they put them away . Scolding her has no effect , she has her food , she was a wild hunter ! Because clearly we don 't feed her , she was forced to help herself to some human food . My mom made the mistake of leaving her bagel on the counter within puppy reach and she left the room . In her stealth mode we didn 't hear her get up and eat half of it . When my mother returned to the room , she immediately fled from the scene ( she knows it is bad ) , leaving a few scraps that Gemi hoovered up . Eliminating counter surfing will be goal number 1 . ( FYI because Gemi now has a taste for bagel , she is sat beside me making puppy moaning sounds to beg for some ) . With a very full belly , my girl is now sleeping peacefully . She has been up for 45 minutes and I guess accomplished all her goals for before 7 : 15 . Can 't wait to see what other adventures she gets into today ! Well she did it , Hailey plunged right into the lake after the labs , and the look on her face was " What the F * * k was that ! " She only plunged in once , the rest of the time she stayed on the shore playing in the waves . She seems to like that . At least my part water dog is not terrified of the water . The only casualty of yesterday was her collar , which was fraying , it really coming apart and her tag with her name broke . Both will be replaced when we get home . Overall it was a great day ! The 4 dogs have had no problems all being together . They have played nicely . I have been feeding mine in the bedroom at the same time my parent 's dogs get to eat . I don 't think there would be food issues , there hasn 't been issues with sharing bones etc , but since Max is still new , we thought we would play it safe . My father has built gates on his deck so you can sit out and the dogs can sit out . I am guessing that from the top railing to the ground is between 7 - 8 feet . Hailey got on a bench and jumped off the deck and went next door to visit the neighbours . Now we know she can 't just go on the deck and we will have to be careful how we tie her so she doesn 't jump off an hang herself . When visiting the neighbours ( we were invited this time ) Hailey figured out how to get out of her harness . I was able to grab her . Since she couldn 't settle , I ended up just bringing her home and leaving her with my parents dog . Gemi stayed with us . All were fine when I came back 2 hours later ( we were next door and outside , we would have heard them barking if there had been a problem ) . I was smart enough and got my parents to push the twin beds together , so there was a little bit of room for me . I think at any time I had 3 dogs , I think one of the labs always stayed off the bed . I had to keep the door open because Hailey was just not going to settle knowing Max and Tendra were free in the next room . They all actually did great until the sun started to rise around 5 , but I was able to convince them all to stay in the bed until 7 . Hailey is really struggling just to relax . We were up for nearly 2 hours before I could get her to pee this morning . She is very stressed right now ( even though we just came in from a big walk ) . I wonder if some of it has to do with the fact that Tendra and Max are out for their walks ( we all went our own ways this morning , I am sure there will be lots of group walks in the coming days ) . She is a much easier dog at home when I can just put her in the backyard and leave her ! Hopefully it will get easier as she adjusts . She is not being bad per say , she is just busy . Last evening , someone ( not me ) was eating hot dogs for dinner . Someone wanted to give Hailey a big piece of bun . I asked someone not to do this , it would make her sick . Someone said " It is bread , she will be fine . " But this means someone is getting a little restless . In general with our little window a / c units we have kept the house fairly cool . so after they rest from being outside , someone gets in a play mood . I have no problems with the dogs wanting to play in the house . The problem I had with it is the obsessive barking that came with it . It started Wednesday night , Lee would not stop barking . Gemi was not in the mood to play , so Lee barked and barked and barked . Thursday morning , she started it again . We live in a semi so I don 't want this barking to become a habit . I was also trying to work at home and it was annoying . So I decided I needed to get her to stop . As a behaviour analyst , I weighted my options . I didn 't think using a reinforcement strategy was going to end it . ( How as I going to catch her being good if all she was doing was barking ) . This left punishment procedure ( which I don 't like to use , but felt I needed to in this situation ) . I know my parents used a water bottle to spray their dog when she was obsessively barking . This seemed like an easy and not too punishing thing to do . I don 't have a water bottle , but I could flick a little water at her face . The scene went like this . Lee immediately stops barking . She looks at the lady . She shakes her head . She walks toward the patio door and wipes her face on the white curtain . However , shortly after , she started to bark again and I reached for the water and she stopped . She has not barked since . So maybe I taught her something too ! I am working brushing the dog 's teeth into my new bedtime routine . Both tolerate it fairly well . They mostly want just to lick the brush , so getting them to put it in their mouths is not the issue . The issue is actually getting them to stand still , stop licking and allow me to move the brush in their mouth so I do the brushing . I am not sure if I am doing the word 's best job at brushing but I am trying and hopefully as they get use to it , it will be easier . I love my little sister but for some reason I have always wanted the big brother . While my parents never fulfilled my wish , they made this dream come true for their dog Tendra . Tendra is a 2 . 5 year old black lab . Yesterday , my parents became the proud new family for a 3 year old black lab named Max . ( I guess it is true they love their dog more than me ! ) Max 's story is a reminder for me not to judge other dog owners . When his first family adopted him their life circumstances were very different . However in the last 3 years things have happened and they realized they were not providing Max with the care he needed . They realized their life was not going to allow this to happen . They made the decision to find him a more appropriate home . Which I am certain they did . I can 't even imagine making this choice . We had only had Hailey for short period of time ( less than 2 weeks ) when she bit Gemi and even with this act of violence I could not imagine having had to give her up . I will remind myself when I hear about people giving up their dogs in a responsible fashion that there may be a good reason for this , and to be thankful I am no in their shoes . We had one of those rare Ottawa weekend where the heat was stifling and oppressive . Perhaps as true Canadian girl , I prefer the cold . You can do things to stay warm when out ( layers upon layers of clothes , movement ) , but there is not much you can do outside when it is that hot . Even being naked wouldn 't cool you down ! This heat made us bad dog owners . We didn 't get the dogs out like we should have . Saturday , Gemi was still recovering and really cared less . Sunday , the pair had moments when they wanted to go outside . Half the time they asked , you would open the door , they would look outside , maybe take half a step and then come back in ( I guess that little window air conditioner really works ! ) . If they did go out it was for about 3 minutes ( this meant I got my exercise standing up to let them out ) and then come inside panting up a storm . Then they would lay on the floor for 15 minutes or so not moving , before asking to go out again . When we were finally being brave enough to take them out , a freak storm hit the city . The winds were so strong they collapsed an outdoor stage . It may have been cooler , but it was not safe to go out . I am worried about the heat and next weekend . I will be traveling 700 km with the dogs to the lake for a week . I will be alone and I am sure will need to run in to use the bathroom once or twice on the way . I will have no option but to leave them in the car . I think I will use the car started and keep the a / c running while I make the 2 minute dash to do my business ! Apparently brushing her teeth is not offensive . In fact she is very good at it . So don 't brush her fur or cut her nails , but brush away ! What a girl ! Yesterday was another day of torturing the dogs . They have had a brief discussion on who was more tortured , Lee insists it was here and Gemi doesn 't feel well enough to argue . It was Gemi 's teeth cleaning day . Our morning routine was more or less the same , minus the not feeding the dogs . They were both rather stressed about this and kept going to the kitchen to stand beside their bowls . Drew held Hailey , while I took Gemi out of the house to drive her to the clinic . It wasn 't as big an ordeal as it could have been . Lee 's first day alone in the house in 10 months ( alone meaning no Gemi ) . I am THRILLED to report , no damage ! She did nothing bad . I can 't believe it . After work Lee and I went and picked up Gemi . Lee hated being at the clinic at first , she was whining and barking and freaking out . However , she did calm down . We never left the waiting room so perhaps the place is a little less offensive now . Gemi had a lot of gingivitis around her canine teeth , and a little tarter on the rest . They decided not to pull the chipped one . As of now the root looks good and it is not loose etc . She just needed a cleaning . In a few days we are to start the teeth brushing ( at least 2 - 3 times a week , or as my note from my vet said " it is a waste of time ) . She also has to start eating a dental food ( it can be used as treats her teeth aren 't that bad ) . But we must let her recover before we start all of this . I asked the vet if there was a reason Gemi had these problems and not the other dogs . ( I think my quote was like Loki never had teeth problems and he had a lot of problems ) . They are on the same food , and the vet 's answer was " I can 't tell you . " It appears , just like people , some dogs are more prone to teeth problems . I hope with our new and exciting dental routine it won 't be a problem anymore . Lee was thrilled to see Gemi , but she was not thrilled to see us . I think she was still stoned . Seeing that stoned little dog was both funny and sad . When I got her home and lifted her out of the car , she collapsed on the grass . It took a lot of coaxing to get her to walk into the house . She spent the entire evening laying on the couch . I kept offering her food and she kept giving me the look of death . They told me to feed her when she got home , but she wasn 't having any of that . Finally around 9 pm she ate a little and went out . Gemi is still in bed . She does not want to get up . Hailey and the cats are waiting impatiently for breakfast . I am proud to say the late afternoon stress seemed to tire LeeLee out . She let me sleep in until 7 ! Hmmmm , what sort of torture will tire her out tonight ! Her position for the evening . My poor girl ! Apparently if you torture Lee the night before she will sleep in . Last night we tortured the dogs . First we went for a drive across the city to pick something up . I tired to make a video of them carrying on in the car , but it didn 't work . Gemi was wearing her new car harness for the very first time . Then we drove to PetSmart to get Lee 's nails cut . This started off very embarrassing . She was so upset they didn 't think it was safe to have her on the table and they had to hold her on the floor . Finally someone , I am not sure who , Drew had gone into the room to see if that helped , tried giving her cookies as they were going it . This she liked and as long as they gave her cookies she was fine . In the end it was the best nail cutting yet ! That may be the secret . I guess all of this was too much for her . I was aware of Lee getting on the bed around 5 , but she settled right down . I will have to figure out a way to torture her tonight so I can sleep in a little tomorrow ( on Saturday ! ) I am dreaming that I am in the upstairs hall of my childhood home . In that hallway Loki has miraculously come back to life . We can 't believe that our cremated dog has risen from the dead . We are so happy to see him and he is playing with Gemi and Hailey ( and now I have my 3 dogs ) . People are telling us we should go on TV and share our story with our " zombie " dog , but I don 't want to . I just want to enjoy playing with him . I just want to touch his soft fur ( at the end of his life due to the drug combo , Lo had the softest coat on the planet ! ) . I am enjoying being with my 3 dogs when . . . . back to reality . 5 : 11 , the beast makes her way out from her cave and begins scratching at the door . I call her back to bed and she comes . She gets herself in the most awkward reverse c shape . Her head is by our bums and her bum is in my face . She wants belly rubs and she is farting . On top of this she won 't stay still . She is constantly re - arranging herself , so I am constantly getting kicked in the face . Not to be left out of the dawn love fest , Gemi has made her way to the middle of the bed and is demanding love . So with one hand I am trying to rub Lee 's belly , with the other Gemi 's chest . After the 15th kick in the face I roll over , hoping this will settle everyone down . Nope , this signals get up time and now Lee is back at the door . When I call her , she comes to my side of the bed . She kisses my face and grabs my arm with her paws . There is no way she is going back to sleep . So at 5 : 25ish , I am up with the dogs . I don 't have to be up for another 1 . 5 hours . The problem is now that I am up , I am awake . There will be no more sleeping . No more delightful dreams . Oh well , there is always tonight . During a thunderstorm he had to get Gemini and only Gemini out of the house . Miss Hailey Bug was determined to go as well and it took a lot of tricking and blocking to get just Gemi out of the house . ( Note : the lady would have taken both with her to avoid this . It probably would have been easier ) . When the lady returned about 30 minutes after the challenge she was greeted by an out of control Miss Bug . Bug jumped in circles and was frantic . She was pacing and panting and near hysterical . There was no thunder when the lady returned and she did not know it had happened . When Gemi arrived home shortly after , Miss Bug was beside herself to see her . She went and greeted her enthusiastically . Gemi was not as happy to see her , she was more thrilled to see the lady . Gemi will be having some dental surgery on Friday to get her teeth cleaned and some xrays . The lady needs to work out of the house that day . Here is hopping that the Bug doesn 't destroy the place . Bug in her fortress of solitude Yesterday , at the dog park , Miss Hailey Bug got to be off leash the entire time we were there . Including our walk through the woods . She has had to be on leash some of the time since her success at catching a squirrel in May . This is a huge accomplishment for her . YAY ! Miss Cricket had been demonstrating a pickiness for her food in the past few days . For those of you who know her , this is not unusual . Cricket has always had days where she doesn 't want to eat , so it is not so strange . However , after a couple days of her just wanting to eat her soft food , her people got a little suspicious . They knew she had a chipped tooth ( the vet had looked at it about 2 months ago and said it wasn 't a problem right now and when it was we would fix it ) , so they decided to check it out . What they found shocked them . Poor Miss Crick , has a gum infection around both her top canine teeth . They felt horrible and immediately called the vet ( whose home number is on their speed dial , the blessing of having a good friend who is a vet ) . He agreed to go in to the clinic on Monday to see Miss Cricket . ( He is confident she will be fine until them ) . Miss Cricket said she tried to tell her people her mouth hurt and they are neglectful . Bagheera here . I never get to be part of the blog so I took it over today . Half my life has been part of a dog infested world . I have tried a lot of things to get those beasts out of my house . I tried beating them ( which worked until the dog got larger than me ) . I tried ignoring them and the people who stupidly brought them here . That didn 't work . In fact they continued to bring dogs in . Since the disappearance of the first dog I have tried to be more tolerant of the current two . They are girls which makes them less offensive and for the most part they listen to my bitching to tell them to leave me alone , and I use Nin as bait for them so they leave me alone . I found a great one . The people keep the dogs locked in their bedroom at night . This means I get the run of the house . This is great . But in the early morning hours , Nin and I go outside the bedroom door and whisper things about how we are playing with the dogs toys and eating their food . The white one is not fooled by this ( but she is my favourite , if I were to have a favourite dog ) , but the black one , she goes crazy . She will scratch and scratch at the bedroom door . The people will try and ignore her or scold her but in the end they always end up getting up with her . I get to stress her out and make the people who ruined my world by bring those stupid things into the house a little less happy . I love to torture her . No good ever came out of a Thursday , and yesterday was no exception . It started with 30 minutes of obsessive barking because there were landscapers out front and they were talking . Apparently they were plotting a world take over or something that Lee thought we should all know about . 1 ) His winter jacket had been attacked . ( We have an open closet area that has had our coats in it for 10 months and she has never gone near them . The closet is now empty ) . My guess why she did this is either she believed this signalled the return of bad winter , or she finds it too hot and she is trying to tell us she wants it to be winter . 2 ) 2 tennis balls must have fallen off a shelf and now there is only one . She ate one . Not ripped it up and destroyed it , but ate it . Apparently ( as I was not here ) she threw up a chewed up tennis ball . ( Yes we do feed her ) . Lady : " Lee that is because when you see them you go into stalking mode . You look like you are going to hunt them . Their people and the dogs may find that scary . " I made extra sure to give her a great walk yesterday morning . I even snuck out without Gemi ( who was very angry when we got home ) . It was a great walk . I got home and found : 2 ) she had somehow gotten a pair of shoes ( both my husband and I were sure they were in the cupboard , but I guess not ) . Fortunately it does not appear she has chewed them . One was in the hall , the other was in Gemi 's pile ( perhaps Gemi rescued it for me ) . I had cut myself a wonderful piece of chocolate banana bread . It was on the counter , I hadn 't pushed back far enough while I turned to get something out of the fridge . She grabbed it off the counter and eaten it and then ran and hid . I am sure the small amount of chocolate in it will not kill her , although let me tell you I wanted to . I put her outside and cut myself another piece and ate it in peace ! Drew faced similar challenges making dinner . She was up at the counter every time he turned . Our girl has become a great counter surfer and it is driving us nuts ! Maybe we should just get higher counters . If only their was an award for counter surfing ! I have been slightly negligent in brushing Miss Bug , so when I went to do it yesterday I was prepared for the show . Much to my surprise , she hardly flinched when I started . Then she flopped down and her body language suggested she may have actually liked it ! We are the dog owners who allow the dogs to sleep in our bed at night . I had originally hoped that we would train Lee to sleep on the floor ( she takes up a lot of room in the bed ) . However , my attempts to do so were blocked by the other person in the bed . This made a full bed , extra full on nights we let the cats in the room . Recently , and I don 't know why ( perhaps due to the window A / C and fans ) Miss Hailey Bug has decided the bed is not for her , but rather her spot is in the cave under the bed . This has meant way more space glorious space in the bed . Gemi hardly takes up any room , she curls up in a little ball by feet . Generally , as soon as I start to stir , Lee comes out from the cave excited to be alive . Often around 5 : 30am she joins us in the bed to see if we are awake ( she is ready to start her day , she can 't understand why we are not facing life with the same excitement ! ) The other morning I got up , went to the bathroom , and she still wasn 't out . I called her and she didn 't come out . Finally , we looked and because of the placement of a laundry basket by the bed she was stuck . She didn 't make a noise she was just sitting stuck in her cave . What a girl ! Lee : " Birds , I love birds . Oh no , what is that noise ? I don 't like it . Why are we going out when there is that noise ? What type of birds are those ? I will stick to chasing robins . " Gemi : " Stop that noise . Stop exploding things . It is interfering with the Princess ' beauty rest . Stupid Canada Day , first I am not the only Princess in town and now this . "

Miss Hailey Bug of Ottawa , is having some trouble adjusting to the temporary state of not having a pack . After nearly 5 days of having 2 labs to play with , as well as her constant companion Gemi , she seems lost . It is further complicated by the Man 's absence in the house . Since " the incident " as those of the house are calling it , she has been sort of avoiding her Lady ( although she did sleep with her , she is not coming and demanding lover and attention ) . Lady was very angry with her after the incident ( but since has been very loving and kind and tried to go about their lives as normally as possible ) . Lady realizes that she also was the one who took the other pack members away and the one who took her to get her nails cut yesterday ( which didn 't go very well . Perhaps given her agitated state as well as the fact that a dog in the store tried to attack her 2 times prior she shouldn 't have done it , but she did get through it ) . Lee is being super calm and quiet . She has not pulled any of her antics . She is being rather dull . When asked Lady said " She is finally the dog of my dreams , but I don 't like the cost of getting her there . Hopefully when Gemi recovers and life gets back to normal she will become herself . Or at least a happier version of this calm dog . " Last night I decided for sleeping Gemi might be the most comfortable on her bed on the floor . Apparently this was too hard . She carried on . So I picked the bed up and put it on the bed . Apparently this was too soft . She carried on . So I lifted her out of the bed , kicked it on the floor and had her sleep just on the bed , apparently this was just right . We had a decent night 's sleep , from 11 until Gemi had to go pee at 5 : 30 . After talking to the wonderfully kind vet at our clinic , Ottawa Vet Hospital , ( my vet of course is on holidays ) , we decided to admit her for 24 - 48 hours . The main reason being the pain meds she can have at home aren 't enough for her , and they can give her good drugs there . ( He says like people , some dogs just respond better or worse to some meds and not to worry too much that she needs stronger drugs ) . He hopes once the pain is under control she will start eating and drinking on her own . She is very bruised and the air is still between the skin and muscles . This will last 10 - 14 days . As for the leg , still can 't tell about the damage given the pain . However , he was hopeful that there was no lasting damage as she would retract it when he squeezed it . He said we really won 't know until the pain is under control . The good things are she does not have a temperature and her gums are not too pale . Yesterday , I am not sure what happened although I was in the room , 2 of the 3 big dogs played too rough with Gemi and she is now in serious but stable condition at the local vet clinic . I don 't know the technical name for the problem , but they shook her and she has shaken Gemi syndrome . The vet seemed to be leaning toward no permanent damage last night , but said we would know more this morning . So I need to wait until about 9 to know . The vet , who went to high school with my sister , had messaged her last night that when she went to check on Gemi before bed and said Gemi wagged her tail when she came in . That sounds promising , there were no wags when I dropped her off . All I asked for on this trip was that no one needed medical attention . Last year I was here the same week and I was swimming in the lake and I cut my foot open . I should have gone and got stitches but I refused . It was my right foot that was cut , so I couldn 't drive myself home , my mom had to . This year it is Gemi . I think next year I won 't come to the beach this week . I think it is best to describe Hailey as having an amazing love for life . That is what we all keep telling ourselves this morning as she is being very annoying . She had us up too early doing her pup things . I tried to get her to settle this morning , but she would not have any of it . After I took the four for their morning business I was delusional that I may actually get to go back to sleep . I crawled in the bed , but then Max and Tendra came with me and Lee would have none of that and started barking at them . We got up , so did my parents . This morning Lee has already had several adventures . One , as always , she knows at feeding time my parents are going to open the door to the magic cupboard that leads to the land of food . She knows if she waits out of sight they will forget about her and not sit / stay her ( a skill she is getting a lot of practice doing ) . Then at the right moment she leaps and gets her whole head and upper body in the bag . She knows if she plays her cards right she can do this 2 times at every meal , when they first open the cupboard to get the dishes and food and when they put them away . Scolding her has no effect , she has her food , she was a wild hunter ! Because clearly we don 't feed her , she was forced to help herself to some human food . My mom made the mistake of leaving her bagel on the counter within puppy reach and she left the room . In her stealth mode we didn 't hear her get up and eat half of it . When my mother returned to the room , she immediately fled from the scene ( she knows it is bad ) , leaving a few scraps that Gemi hoovered up . Eliminating counter surfing will be goal number 1 . ( FYI because Gemi now has a taste for bagel , she is sat beside me making puppy moaning sounds to beg for some ) . With a very full belly , my girl is now sleeping peacefully . She has been up for 45 minutes and I guess accomplished all her goals for before 7 : 15 . Can 't wait to see what other adventures she gets into today ! Well she did it , Hailey plunged right into the lake after the labs , and the look on her face was " What the F * * k was that ! " She only plunged in once , the rest of the time she stayed on the shore playing in the waves . She seems to like that . At least my part water dog is not terrified of the water . The only casualty of yesterday was her collar , which was fraying , it really coming apart and her tag with her name broke . Both will be replaced when we get home . Overall it was a great day ! The 4 dogs have had no problems all being together . They have played nicely . I have been feeding mine in the bedroom at the same time my parent 's dogs get to eat . I don 't think there would be food issues , there hasn 't been issues with sharing bones etc , but since Max is still new , we thought we would play it safe . My father has built gates on his deck so you can sit out and the dogs can sit out . I am guessing that from the top railing to the ground is between 7 - 8 feet . Hailey got on a bench and jumped off the deck and went next door to visit the neighbours . Now we know she can 't just go on the deck and we will have to be careful how we tie her so she doesn 't jump off an hang herself . When visiting the neighbours ( we were invited this time ) Hailey figured out how to get out of her harness . I was able to grab her . Since she couldn 't settle , I ended up just bringing her home and leaving her with my parents dog . Gemi stayed with us . All were fine when I came back 2 hours later ( we were next door and outside , we would have heard them barking if there had been a problem ) . I was smart enough and got my parents to push the twin beds together , so there was a little bit of room for me . I think at any time I had 3 dogs , I think one of the labs always stayed off the bed . I had to keep the door open because Hailey was just not going to settle knowing Max and Tendra were free in the next room . They all actually did great until the sun started to rise around 5 , but I was able to convince them all to stay in the bed until 7 . Hailey is really struggling just to relax . We were up for nearly 2 hours before I could get her to pee this morning . She is very stressed right now ( even though we just came in from a big walk ) . I wonder if some of it has to do with the fact that Tendra and Max are out for their walks ( we all went our own ways this morning , I am sure there will be lots of group walks in the coming days ) . She is a much easier dog at home when I can just put her in the backyard and leave her ! Hopefully it will get easier as she adjusts . She is not being bad per say , she is just busy . Last evening , someone ( not me ) was eating hot dogs for dinner . Someone wanted to give Hailey a big piece of bun . I asked someone not to do this , it would make her sick . Someone said " It is bread , she will be fine . " But this means someone is getting a little restless . In general with our little window a / c units we have kept the house fairly cool . so after they rest from being outside , someone gets in a play mood . I have no problems with the dogs wanting to play in the house . The problem I had with it is the obsessive barking that came with it . It started Wednesday night , Lee would not stop barking . Gemi was not in the mood to play , so Lee barked and barked and barked . Thursday morning , she started it again . We live in a semi so I don 't want this barking to become a habit . I was also trying to work at home and it was annoying . So I decided I needed to get her to stop . As a behaviour analyst , I weighted my options . I didn 't think using a reinforcement strategy was going to end it . ( How as I going to catch her being good if all she was doing was barking ) . This left punishment procedure ( which I don 't like to use , but felt I needed to in this situation ) . I know my parents used a water bottle to spray their dog when she was obsessively barking . This seemed like an easy and not too punishing thing to do . I don 't have a water bottle , but I could flick a little water at her face . The scene went like this . Lee immediately stops barking . She looks at the lady . She shakes her head . She walks toward the patio door and wipes her face on the white curtain . However , shortly after , she started to bark again and I reached for the water and she stopped . She has not barked since . So maybe I taught her something too ! I am working brushing the dog 's teeth into my new bedtime routine . Both tolerate it fairly well . They mostly want just to lick the brush , so getting them to put it in their mouths is not the issue . The issue is actually getting them to stand still , stop licking and allow me to move the brush in their mouth so I do the brushing . I am not sure if I am doing the word 's best job at brushing but I am trying and hopefully as they get use to it , it will be easier . I love my little sister but for some reason I have always wanted the big brother . While my parents never fulfilled my wish , they made this dream come true for their dog Tendra . Tendra is a 2 . 5 year old black lab . Yesterday , my parents became the proud new family for a 3 year old black lab named Max . ( I guess it is true they love their dog more than me ! ) Max 's story is a reminder for me not to judge other dog owners . When his first family adopted him their life circumstances were very different . However in the last 3 years things have happened and they realized they were not providing Max with the care he needed . They realized their life was not going to allow this to happen . They made the decision to find him a more appropriate home . Which I am certain they did . I can 't even imagine making this choice . We had only had Hailey for short period of time ( less than 2 weeks ) when she bit Gemi and even with this act of violence I could not imagine having had to give her up . I will remind myself when I hear about people giving up their dogs in a responsible fashion that there may be a good reason for this , and to be thankful I am no in their shoes . We had one of those rare Ottawa weekend where the heat was stifling and oppressive . Perhaps as true Canadian girl , I prefer the cold . You can do things to stay warm when out ( layers upon layers of clothes , movement ) , but there is not much you can do outside when it is that hot . Even being naked wouldn 't cool you down ! This heat made us bad dog owners . We didn 't get the dogs out like we should have . Saturday , Gemi was still recovering and really cared less . Sunday , the pair had moments when they wanted to go outside . Half the time they asked , you would open the door , they would look outside , maybe take half a step and then come back in ( I guess that little window air conditioner really works ! ) . If they did go out it was for about 3 minutes ( this meant I got my exercise standing up to let them out ) and then come inside panting up a storm . Then they would lay on the floor for 15 minutes or so not moving , before asking to go out again . When we were finally being brave enough to take them out , a freak storm hit the city . The winds were so strong they collapsed an outdoor stage . It may have been cooler , but it was not safe to go out . I am worried about the heat and next weekend . I will be traveling 700 km with the dogs to the lake for a week . I will be alone and I am sure will need to run in to use the bathroom once or twice on the way . I will have no option but to leave them in the car . I think I will use the car started and keep the a / c running while I make the 2 minute dash to do my business ! Apparently brushing her teeth is not offensive . In fact she is very good at it . So don 't brush her fur or cut her nails , but brush away ! What a girl ! Yesterday was another day of torturing the dogs . They have had a brief discussion on who was more tortured , Lee insists it was here and Gemi doesn 't feel well enough to argue . It was Gemi 's teeth cleaning day . Our morning routine was more or less the same , minus the not feeding the dogs . They were both rather stressed about this and kept going to the kitchen to stand beside their bowls . Drew held Hailey , while I took Gemi out of the house to drive her to the clinic . It wasn 't as big an ordeal as it could have been . Lee 's first day alone in the house in 10 months ( alone meaning no Gemi ) . I am THRILLED to report , no damage ! She did nothing bad . I can 't believe it . After work Lee and I went and picked up Gemi . Lee hated being at the clinic at first , she was whining and barking and freaking out . However , she did calm down . We never left the waiting room so perhaps the place is a little less offensive now . Gemi had a lot of gingivitis around her canine teeth , and a little tarter on the rest . They decided not to pull the chipped one . As of now the root looks good and it is not loose etc . She just needed a cleaning . In a few days we are to start the teeth brushing ( at least 2 - 3 times a week , or as my note from my vet said " it is a waste of time ) . She also has to start eating a dental food ( it can be used as treats her teeth aren 't that bad ) . But we must let her recover before we start all of this . I asked the vet if there was a reason Gemi had these problems and not the other dogs . ( I think my quote was like Loki never had teeth problems and he had a lot of problems ) . They are on the same food , and the vet 's answer was " I can 't tell you . " It appears , just like people , some dogs are more prone to teeth problems . I hope with our new and exciting dental routine it won 't be a problem anymore . Lee was thrilled to see Gemi , but she was not thrilled to see us . I think she was still stoned . Seeing that stoned little dog was both funny and sad . When I got her home and lifted her out of the car , she collapsed on the grass . It took a lot of coaxing to get her to walk into the house . She spent the entire evening laying on the couch . I kept offering her food and she kept giving me the look of death . They told me to feed her when she got home , but she wasn 't having any of that . Finally around 9 pm she ate a little and went out . Gemi is still in bed . She does not want to get up . Hailey and the cats are waiting impatiently for breakfast . I am proud to say the late afternoon stress seemed to tire LeeLee out . She let me sleep in until 7 ! Hmmmm , what sort of torture will tire her out tonight ! Her position for the evening . My poor girl ! Apparently if you torture Lee the night before she will sleep in . Last night we tortured the dogs . First we went for a drive across the city to pick something up . I tired to make a video of them carrying on in the car , but it didn 't work . Gemi was wearing her new car harness for the very first time . Then we drove to PetSmart to get Lee 's nails cut . This started off very embarrassing . She was so upset they didn 't think it was safe to have her on the table and they had to hold her on the floor . Finally someone , I am not sure who , Drew had gone into the room to see if that helped , tried giving her cookies as they were going it . This she liked and as long as they gave her cookies she was fine . In the end it was the best nail cutting yet ! That may be the secret . I guess all of this was too much for her . I was aware of Lee getting on the bed around 5 , but she settled right down . I will have to figure out a way to torture her tonight so I can sleep in a little tomorrow ( on Saturday ! ) I am dreaming that I am in the upstairs hall of my childhood home . In that hallway Loki has miraculously come back to life . We can 't believe that our cremated dog has risen from the dead . We are so happy to see him and he is playing with Gemi and Hailey ( and now I have my 3 dogs ) . People are telling us we should go on TV and share our story with our " zombie " dog , but I don 't want to . I just want to enjoy playing with him . I just want to touch his soft fur ( at the end of his life due to the drug combo , Lo had the softest coat on the planet ! ) . I am enjoying being with my 3 dogs when . . . . back to reality . 5 : 11 , the beast makes her way out from her cave and begins scratching at the door . I call her back to bed and she comes . She gets herself in the most awkward reverse c shape . Her head is by our bums and her bum is in my face . She wants belly rubs and she is farting . On top of this she won 't stay still . She is constantly re - arranging herself , so I am constantly getting kicked in the face . Not to be left out of the dawn love fest , Gemi has made her way to the middle of the bed and is demanding love . So with one hand I am trying to rub Lee 's belly , with the other Gemi 's chest . After the 15th kick in the face I roll over , hoping this will settle everyone down . Nope , this signals get up time and now Lee is back at the door . When I call her , she comes to my side of the bed . She kisses my face and grabs my arm with her paws . There is no way she is going back to sleep . So at 5 : 25ish , I am up with the dogs . I don 't have to be up for another 1 . 5 hours . The problem is now that I am up , I am awake . There will be no more sleeping . No more delightful dreams . Oh well , there is always tonight . During a thunderstorm he had to get Gemini and only Gemini out of the house . Miss Hailey Bug was determined to go as well and it took a lot of tricking and blocking to get just Gemi out of the house . ( Note : the lady would have taken both with her to avoid this . It probably would have been easier ) . When the lady returned about 30 minutes after the challenge she was greeted by an out of control Miss Bug . Bug jumped in circles and was frantic . She was pacing and panting and near hysterical . There was no thunder when the lady returned and she did not know it had happened . When Gemi arrived home shortly after , Miss Bug was beside herself to see her . She went and greeted her enthusiastically . Gemi was not as happy to see her , she was more thrilled to see the lady . Gemi will be having some dental surgery on Friday to get her teeth cleaned and some xrays . The lady needs to work out of the house that day . Here is hopping that the Bug doesn 't destroy the place . Bug in her fortress of solitude Yesterday , at the dog park , Miss Hailey Bug got to be off leash the entire time we were there . Including our walk through the woods . She has had to be on leash some of the time since her success at catching a squirrel in May . This is a huge accomplishment for her . YAY ! Miss Cricket had been demonstrating a pickiness for her food in the past few days . For those of you who know her , this is not unusual . Cricket has always had days where she doesn 't want to eat , so it is not so strange . However , after a couple days of her just wanting to eat her soft food , her people got a little suspicious . They knew she had a chipped tooth ( the vet had looked at it about 2 months ago and said it wasn 't a problem right now and when it was we would fix it ) , so they decided to check it out . What they found shocked them . Poor Miss Crick , has a gum infection around both her top canine teeth . They felt horrible and immediately called the vet ( whose home number is on their speed dial , the blessing of having a good friend who is a vet ) . He agreed to go in to the clinic on Monday to see Miss Cricket . ( He is confident she will be fine until them ) . Miss Cricket said she tried to tell her people her mouth hurt and they are neglectful . Bagheera here . I never get to be part of the blog so I took it over today . Half my life has been part of a dog infested world . I have tried a lot of things to get those beasts out of my house . I tried beating them ( which worked until the dog got larger than me ) . I tried ignoring them and the people who stupidly brought them here . That didn 't work . In fact they continued to bring dogs in . Since the disappearance of the first dog I have tried to be more tolerant of the current two . They are girls which makes them less offensive and for the most part they listen to my bitching to tell them to leave me alone , and I use Nin as bait for them so they leave me alone . I found a great one . The people keep the dogs locked in their bedroom at night . This means I get the run of the house . This is great . But in the early morning hours , Nin and I go outside the bedroom door and whisper things about how we are playing with the dogs toys and eating their food . The white one is not fooled by this ( but she is my favourite , if I were to have a favourite dog ) , but the black one , she goes crazy . She will scratch and scratch at the bedroom door . The people will try and ignore her or scold her but in the end they always end up getting up with her . I get to stress her out and make the people who ruined my world by bring those stupid things into the house a little less happy . I love to torture her . No good ever came out of a Thursday , and yesterday was no exception . It started with 30 minutes of obsessive barking because there were landscapers out front and they were talking . Apparently they were plotting a world take over or something that Lee thought we should all know about . 1 ) His winter jacket had been attacked . ( We have an open closet area that has had our coats in it for 10 months and she has never gone near them . The closet is now empty ) . My guess why she did this is either she believed this signalled the return of bad winter , or she finds it too hot and she is trying to tell us she wants it to be winter . 2 ) 2 tennis balls must have fallen off a shelf and now there is only one . She ate one . Not ripped it up and destroyed it , but ate it . Apparently ( as I was not here ) she threw up a chewed up tennis ball . ( Yes we do feed her ) . Lady : " Lee that is because when you see them you go into stalking mode . You look like you are going to hunt them . Their people and the dogs may find that scary . " I made extra sure to give her a great walk yesterday morning . I even snuck out without Gemi ( who was very angry when we got home ) . It was a great walk . I got home and found : 2 ) she had somehow gotten a pair of shoes ( both my husband and I were sure they were in the cupboard , but I guess not ) . Fortunately it does not appear she has chewed them . One was in the hall , the other was in Gemi 's pile ( perhaps Gemi rescued it for me ) . I had cut myself a wonderful piece of chocolate banana bread . It was on the counter , I hadn 't pushed back far enough while I turned to get something out of the fridge . She grabbed it off the counter and eaten it and then ran and hid . I am sure the small amount of chocolate in it will not kill her , although let me tell you I wanted to . I put her outside and cut myself another piece and ate it in peace ! Drew faced similar challenges making dinner . She was up at the counter every time he turned . Our girl has become a great counter surfer and it is driving us nuts ! Maybe we should just get higher counters . If only their was an award for counter surfing ! I have been slightly negligent in brushing Miss Bug , so when I went to do it yesterday I was prepared for the show . Much to my surprise , she hardly flinched when I started . Then she flopped down and her body language suggested she may have actually liked it ! We are the dog owners who allow the dogs to sleep in our bed at night . I had originally hoped that we would train Lee to sleep on the floor ( she takes up a lot of room in the bed ) . However , my attempts to do so were blocked by the other person in the bed . This made a full bed , extra full on nights we let the cats in the room . Recently , and I don 't know why ( perhaps due to the window A / C and fans ) Miss Hailey Bug has decided the bed is not for her , but rather her spot is in the cave under the bed . This has meant way more space glorious space in the bed . Gemi hardly takes up any room , she curls up in a little ball by feet . Generally , as soon as I start to stir , Lee comes out from the cave excited to be alive . Often around 5 : 30am she joins us in the bed to see if we are awake ( she is ready to start her day , she can 't understand why we are not facing life with the same excitement ! ) The other morning I got up , went to the bathroom , and she still wasn 't out . I called her and she didn 't come out . Finally , we looked and because of the placement of a laundry basket by the bed she was stuck . She didn 't make a noise she was just sitting stuck in her cave . What a girl ! Lee : " Birds , I love birds . Oh no , what is that noise ? I don 't like it . Why are we going out when there is that noise ? What type of birds are those ? I will stick to chasing robins . " Gemi : " Stop that noise . Stop exploding things . It is interfering with the Princess ' beauty rest . Stupid Canada Day , first I am not the only Princess in town and now this . "

Scully smiled once more at Mulder sprawled asleep in his bed . He was so beautiful . She 'd always seen him as physically attractive , but his face , as he had loved her last night , had brought tears to her eyes . " I don 't think so . " She kissed him and he nuzzled her . " Mulder , go back to sleep . I 'll see you later . " He made a grumbling noise and she smiled tenderly at him . She gave him one more kiss and slipped out of the bed . She dressed in his bathroom and stopped once more at the door , to look at him . It had been a shock to her that they had ended up in his bed . She had known it was inevitable , but the timing was still a surprise . He had been stunned , and a little put out , that she had had an epiphany in a Buddhist temple while he was out of town , but it had freed her . It had been right . Nothing had ever been more right . She had experience , not lately of course , but she wasn 't a virgin . However there had been a moment last night when everything had merged . They had . . . melded . She had honestly not known where she ended and he began . It wasn 't just her , she had looked up into eyes as wide and stunned as hers . She felt warm again just remembering that . It was something she would always remember . Scully mentally shook herself after almost running a red light . She 'd see him in a couple of hours . She eased up on the accelerator . No need to prolong the separation by being stopped for speeding either . She froze for an instant and the blood left her face . How ? How had he gotten inside ? She had thought he was gone . They hadn 't seen him since . . . since she had almost destroyed her relationship with Mulder . He shrugged . " I have some friends . Not all of them know , yet . If you 're gone , they won 't have to find out . " " Okay , fair enough . " He nodded at her , still so serene she wanted to scratch his eyes out . " Go away for a few weeks . You 're a doctor ; you know how soon you can confirm a pregnancy . If I 'm lying , come back , apologize . I 'm sure all would be forgiven . . . again . " That startled her and she stepped back . " Here . " He withdrew an envelope from his inside coat pocket . " You won 't want to use your credit cards . " He dropped the envelope on the couch and moved to the door . " You need to decide Dana , save my son or try to save my grandchild . You have a number where you can always reach me . " " In the envelope . Call me , I have . . . connections . Dana , you do understand , you can 't be with him either way . They wouldn 't allow any more slip - ups . " She looked around wildly for a second . He was gone , the white envelope stood in stark contrast to the darker blue stripe of her couch . They would kill him ; they would kill Mulder , because of her . She believed that much anyway . Back in the bedroom she dug under her remaining underwear and pulled out the envelope Frohike had given her a while ago . At the last moment , she took the picture of Mulder she kept in her bedside table . It was framed , but she had never displayed it . He was unaware of it , another gift from Frohike . Then she removed the small gold cross from around her neck and left it on her dresser . She carried the bags to her car , then returned for a few last minute items . Would she ever see this place again ? She took her cell phone from her purse and set it in the charger , and after a moment 's hesitation , stuffed the thick envelope in its place in her purse . She drove to a coffee shop not far from her apartment and entered . It was busy this time of day , busier than she had thought it would be until she realized they were all just going to work . It was the time she would normally . . . No , there was no normal , not for a little while anyway . She moved to the back of the shop , near the bathrooms and found the pay phone . She dropped some coins into the slot and dialed a number . She closed her eyes , hoping that Frohike would answer . She couldn 't talk to the others . " I 'm on my way . " He hung up the phone . Something was wrong , monumentally wrong , and for whatever reason , she didn 't want Byers or Langly to know . That bothered him badly . He only beat her there by a few minutes . She looked terrible . He took her arm and led her to the back of the store . " What 's wrong ? Is it Mulder ? Is he hurt ? " " N - no . Please , don 't track me . I know you can , but please . I have to disappear . You 're the only one who knows about Katherine Hale . Don 't . . . please don 't tell anyone . " " Dana , tell me what 's happened . You can 't go off like this . You 're not yourself . Come home with me , let us look after you for a little while , at least until you can calm down . " " Will you keep my secret ? " Her eyes were desperate . " I have to go away . They 'll . . . he would never be safe . " Frohike was even more shaken now that he 'd talked to her . She didn 't smile . This little man cared for her and he had a point . Someone should know , just in case . " You promise , just between us . " " References . You made Katherine a physician 's assistant . That works well . I 'll go somewhere they need a doctor , but don 't have enough access . Maybe they 'll need me enough not to check too deeply . " She hesitated a long time , but he waited . She wasn 't leaving until he knew something . Finally she gave in to his patience . " Remember Albert Holstein ? " He nodded , " Their reservation needed doctors . He . . . no one would look for me there . " " I 'll set up an email just for you . " He scribbled an address on a receipt from his pocket , and handed it to her . " Send me a one - liner , ' ready ' and you 'll have them . " She shook her head then , unable to speak and hurried out the door . He started to call out after her , but didn 't want to call attention to either of them . This was bad . She drove to Richmond , unwilling to take a flight out of D . C . She was too easy to trace and Mulder was an expert . She flew to Chicago , then left the airport . A taxi took her to a motel so like the ones she had frequented with him . She purchased some things from a nearby drug store and returned to the room . For the first time she was glad to have been too busy to schedule a haircut . Now , dyed blonde and styled differently , she felt more secure . She needed to buy a used car , that way she could be more mobile , not at the mercy of an airline 's schedule . She stopped suddenly in the middle of the room . Why did she believe this ? Spender had lied so many times to them over the years . Why should she trust him now ? Why should she believe his word that she was pregnant ? Scully looked at the pregnancy test she 'd bought . Too early , much too early , but she hadn 't been able to leave the drug store without it . In a few days . . . Now for the chip . She couldn 't remove it . It had never been scientifically proven that it had anything to do with her remission from cancer , but Mulder believed it . Therefore she did as well . Would anything block the signal ? If only it were kryptonite . She actually smiled for an instant . Lead ? She would have no way of knowing , but why not try it . She returned to the store and wandered around . What had lead in it ? Then she spotted the small bags at the film display . Lead lined sacks for protecting film from airport x - rays . What the hell . She grabbed it up and a pair of wire cutters . At least it was something to try . She pulled up to the house . She was completely exhausted , physically and emotionally . It had taken her nearly three weeks to get here after she had left Chicago . She still wasn 't showing , wouldn 't be for a while . No one could tell . . . at five weeks she was mostly just exhausted . The route she 'd taken probably couldn 't be duplicated , even by her . There was no way to know if the small sliver of lead she wore under the bandage on her neck was helping , but it was all she had . She took a deep breath and opened the car door . The heat slammed her in the face and seemed to take what little energy she had left . The door to the house opened and a Native American man walked toward her . She recognized Albert 's son , Tomas . Tears came to her eyes as she nodded . He took her arm and led her into the relative coolness of his home . " This is my wife , Naomi . " A Native American woman with a broad face and laughing eyes brushed her long braid over her shoulder to her back . Scully gave the taller woman a tentative smile . Naomi came over to her as she dried her hands on a dishtowel . " I 'm glad you 're here safe . " She took Dana into her arms and held her . That was all it took , Scully broke down in her arms , sobbing . Naomi just held her , patting her back and humming to her . When Scully began regaining her composure , she started to apologize . " It was what you needed , Dana . Don 't think of it again . Your room is ready . Come with me . " Keeping her arm around Scully , she led her back to a familiar room . This was where she had tended Mulder when he was recovering from his drugging and her gunshot wound . Naomi gave her shoulder another squeeze and let herself out of the room . Scully turned to look at the bed again . She could see Mulder lying there . She turned away and found the bathroom , then returned to the room quietly . Finally she sat on the bed and toed off her shoes . She hadn 't slept , really slept in days and didn 't expect to now . Finally she lay back and rested her head on the pillow , her hand on her stomach . She was asleep before her eyes closed fully . Mulder woke slowly and stretched sore muscles . Then he smiled . It had been real , it had happened . Scully had come to his bed , she had allowed him to love her . He pulled her pillow toward him and breathed in her scent again . He almost laughed at himself , he felt like a kid at Christmas . He hurried through his shower and dressing . Part of him wanted to call her , just to hear her voice again , but he held off . They 'd be together shortly . Another smile took over his face , ' together ' . He stopped for coffee and bought her one of those sinful cinnamon buns she craved but refused to indulge in . They 'd worked off enough calories last night to justify it . The woman behind the counter returned his smile and after he turned away nodded to herself . Well , he was in a good mood this morning and she had a pretty good idea why . Scully wasn 't there when he arrived , so he placed his morning offering on the small table she used . He would get her that desk . Battleship wasn 't all they could play on a larger surface . He booted up his computer and started reading his email . His glances at his watch became more frequent . Scully was never late , that was his thing . But where was she ? He finally gave in and dialed her apartment . Her machine picked up , and while the sound of her voice soothed him a little as always , he needed more . When he got voice mail on her cell , he felt the first frisson of unease . She didn 't turn off her cell . He forced himself to wait another fifteen minutes , then called up to Skinner 's office . " Kim ? Mulder . Is Scully up there ? " He hoped he sounded casual . " Yeah , everything 's fine . Thanks . " He hung up , now having to face the truth . Something wasn 't ' fine ' and he needed to know what . Was she avoiding him ? She hadn 't seemed upset when she left ; kissing him and saying she 'd see him at work . Had she changed her mind ? Had something caused her to rethink what had happened ? To hell with this . He slipped on his suit coat and after glancing at the cooling coffee and bun , retraced his steps to the garage . He 'd taken her regular route home , but hadn 't spotted her . Her car was gone . Still he hurried to her apartment , letting himself in with little effort . He stopped just inside the door , something was . . . wrong . He sniffed the air and stiffened . Smoke , cigarette smoke . No ! That SOB hadn 't talked her into leaving with him again . No ! They 'd talked about that , she knew better . " Scully ? " She didn 't answer , the place was empty . He spotted her cell phone in the charger by her desktop computer . That frightened him on a level he couldn 't define . She never forgot things like that , not when she left on her own . Had he , had Spender taken her ? He entered her bedroom , way past uneasy now . The bed was made , but indented . He opened the closet . Her large suitcase was missing as well as her overnight bag . He ducked into the bathroom . When they traveled she always carried those small sample size bottles of shampoo and stuff . Now as he looked around , he saw that her full size bottles were gone . He hurried back to the bedroom and jerked open some drawers . They were nearly empty . She had packed as though . . . as though she was going to be gone for a long time . He sank onto the foot of her bed , unable to formulate a coherent thought . This room had always soothed him ; he 'd snuck in here often when she wasn 't paying attention . Now he felt cold . He glanced back at her dresser and caught the small gleam of the chain . He rose again and stood over it . Her cross . She had removed it , left it . For him ? Or because the sin she had committed was too large . She had enjoyed last night . Had it been so long that he couldn 't tell if a woman was faking it ? No , not Scully . She wouldn 't do that . So where the fuck was she ? Mulder 's eyes closed for an instant in relief . " Her car 's missing . We need to track it , put a trace on her credit cards . " " Mulder , get up here . " Skinner 's voice sounded in his ear . He dropped the receiver back in the cradle and took off up the stairs . Word ? Finally ? God , it had to be . None of his leads had panned out . This had been the longest three weeks of his life . Spender was no where to be found . He 's checked every rat hole personally . He 'd called in favors , smoozed with air line reservationists , and managed not to slug any of his fellow employees who watched him every time he stuck his head out of his basement . That last was getting harder to do . There was no evidence that she was injured . She had made her own way to Richmond . That had taken time to discover , but she had been alone as far as anyone knew . Her car had yielded no evidence that anyone had been with her . But she hadn 't contacted him . That scared him the most . No contact . If she were able . . . No , he couldn 't go there . That fear was coming very close to shutting him down and he couldn 't afford not to be on top of his form . No investigation was more important . The door was open and Kim waved him on inside . She looked at him closely as he hurried past . The man looked like hell . He hadn 't shaved again this morning and she thought maybe he had slept in his suit , if he had slept . He pushed the door closed behind him . " Sir ? " " Assistant Director Skinner - I apologize for the delay in sending this email , but I am tendering my resignation , for personal reasons , from the Bureau . My resignation is effective immediately . A hard copy , with my signature , is being sent overnight to you . I have given my decision a great deal of thought and it is final . Also in the envelope is a money order . Please give it to my mother when she returns and ask her to have my furniture and personal items placed in storage . I thank you for your leadership and support during my tenure at the FBI . Skinner nodded . " It bounced back . I 'm forwarding it you . Do you think it 's really her ? " But Mulder had turned and was leaving his office . " Mulder ? " There was no response . Mulder headed for the basement . He stopped just inside the door and looked around . He wasn 't seeing the office ; he was seeing her , remembering her as she moved around their space . This was where they argued over cases , over theories - his wild ones , her scientific ones . Where he 'd fallen in love with her . The email , it had sounded like her . Was he missing a clue ? It didn 't feel like it . It felt like the ultimate rejection . ' I do not blame him for anything in our partnership ' . Partnership , not relationship . Wasn 't that magnanimous of her . What a fool . What a god - damn fool he was . He 'd kept after her until he 'd gotten her . He laughed out loud . Even to his ears he sounded insane . He forced his mouth closed , then shut and locked the door . He looked like shit when he got to the Gunmen 's door . " Mulder ? What ? Did you hear from her ? " Byers opened the door wider , drawing him inside . " Skinner got an email from her today , resigning . I forwarded it to your computer . The address is gone now . I need you to trace it . " Langly looked over at Byers , then back at Mulder . " Uh , I don 't think so . He wouldn 't need to do this with what he has at his disposal . " Mulder looked around , searching for something to hold on to . He had hoped that they would find something to cause him to rethink his intuition . He hadn 't gotten it . She had left him , she had thought about what had happened between them and decided to get away from him . That didn 't explain the cigarette smoke in her apartment . He 'd automatically assumed it was Spender , but could she have smoked as she contemplated her decision ? God , what had she been thinking ? He turned then and left their apartment without another word . It was over ; she was gone , apparently of her own free will . He should be surprised it had taken her this long to leave him . Mulder threw himself into his new assignments . His theories were as out there as before , but no one dared refer to him as ' Spooky ' any more . He was too willing to dive into the filth of the cases he had tried so hard to avoid before . His instincts were honed ; he asked questions he never had before . She had taught him well and he used that to keep others away . No one had to question his ' science ' any longer because he played on their field now . The more depraved the mind , the quicker he dug in . The problem was the chances he was willing to take . There was talk about a death wish . No one heard a word out of his mouth that didn 't concern the case he was working . Only once had Scully been mentioned . The mistake had not been repeated . " You listen to me and you listen good . " Skinner growled at him . " I don 't know what happened between you and Scully . " The look Mulder shot him felt like an ice spear , but he continued . He couldn 't let this go on ; not this time , it had been too close . " But you report to me , that makes you my responsibility . I 'm not going to let you commit suicide on my watch . If you stay on this path , when you 're released , I will nail you to a desk so hard that you 'll need to be catheterized . Don 't test me . I 'll do it . You came too close this time . " Skinner set the IV bag connected to Mulder 's arm swinging . Mulder only looked up at the ceiling . Byers and Langly entered the room , followed by Frohike . They had heard Skinner , but he wasn 't through . " You 've been reckless ; you 've put yourself in danger and because of that , other agents as well . I should have you committed to a psych ward , but for now I 'm going to put you on administrative leave . " He turned to Mulder 's friends , " You keep an eye on him . " " The hell you are . " Frohike spoke up then , moving to the other side of the bed . " You were shot , twice . You 'll be here for a couple more days anyway . " " You can 't . " Byers said firmly . " You 're not well enough to leave . Mulder , give it a little longer . You don 't want to hurt yourself permanently . " Mulder opened his mouth , but then just nodded looking only at the ceiling . After exchanging yet another look , the three men moved toward the door . Frohike touched Mulder 's arm , then followed Byers out of the room . Mulder sighed , but knew the little man wouldn 't leave . He levered himself up from the couch painfully and , using the cane , made his slow way to the door . He opened it and let Frohike inside . Mulder didn 't speak , but Frohike felt sweat bead on his forehead . He knew his life was in the balance here . " She was scared . I 'd never seen her like that . She . . . she needed my help . " Frohike swallowed and wished he were seated , but didn 't want to move that close to the man . " I gave her a present last Christmas . It was kind of a joke . " He sighed , " I gave her a set of fake ID . " Frohike nodded , " To go with George . She wanted to plead with me not to trace her . She knew once I found out she was gone , I 'd remember . " " Mulder , it wasn 't like that . I don 't remember her exact words , something about ' he wouldn 't be safe ' . She was talking about you , man . I don 't know what happened , but something freaked her out . She was completely terrified . I 'd never seen her like that . I gotta tell you , she scared me too . " " Faked references , work papers . After that everything I sent bounced back . There 's been nothing - no credit applied for , no travel . . . " He ran down , watching the pain his new information was causing his friend . " Mulder , listen to me , she was trying to protect you . She . . . " The look on Mulder 's face stopped him . " Let me try some more places . You need some time to heal . I won 't keep anything else from you , but you can 't go off looking for her . Not now . " Frohike sighed , " Physician 's assistant . Not a full doctor . " He did take the seat beside Mulder finally . How was he going to be able to keep the man here now ? She flushed , but didn 't try to deny it . " I won 't be long . If I don 't finish this tonight , I 'll just have to face it in the morning . " He couldn 't dispute that . " Okay , I 'm locking you in . Not late , promise me . If you don 't look after yourself , I 'll have to . " A few minutes later her eyes wandered back to the door . She could see him , framed in the door , so tall and strong and beloved . If only . " Can 't what , Scully ? Be together ? You 've made that abundantly clear . I just want to know one thing . " He finally moved into the room . It barely registered to her that he was limping . " What did I do wrong ? " " Mulder ! " She was on her feet then , rounding the desk to get to him . She was seeing him for the first time now - not her fantasy of the man she loved , but him , now . He was gaunt , his face had deep lines in it and there was more than a sprinkle of gray at his temples . She remembered the limp then and knelt beside him . " He said you 'd be safe . " She didn 't realize he had looked up and was watching her . He had focused on her body . She watched a shaking hand come out as though to touch the soft swell of her abdomen . He would see her breasts were bigger . She closed her eyes for an instant . Of course he would notice , but would he ask ? He seemed to nod and after a moment started struggling to his feet . She reached to help him and he pulled away . It felt like a slap . He didn 't notice , just turned toward the door . She watched as he retrieved a cane from down the hall but didn 't comment . It would have to wait . When they arrived at the door she found that it was still dead bolted . " I 've been walking to work . It 's close . " She turned toward her home and started walking . For a change his steps didn 't outpace hers but she could see that he wasn 't prepared for the drop in temperature in the desert . He was beginning to shiver . The problem was she couldn 't tell if it was the coolness of the night or the strain of the walk . She looked up at him . Coincidence ? No , not with them . She moved on to the door and pulled out her keys . He followed more slowly . When he entered the house she knew he was on the verge of collapse . " Here . Sit here . " She motioned toward the couch . When he swayed , she moved to his side and though he protested , helped him to the couch . She pulled the afghan down and placed it around his shoulders . He looked like he wanted to argue , but didn 't have the energy . " No thanks . I know I 'm not welcome in your bed . " He closed his eyes then , letting his head fall back to rest on the couch . He couldn 't look at her , couldn 't face the look in her eyes . She heated up some of the soup that she had made over the weekend . When she looked back into the room , she realized he had drifted off , at the end of his rope . The lines in his face had not eased out . She picked up the phone and moved to the bedroom in order not to disturb him . Frohike 's card was where she had hidden it . She dialed quickly . " It 's late . " The voice snapped , not happy to be awakened . " He was shot . " He heard her gasp , but she didn 't interrupt . " Baldy put him on leave . He said he wasn 't going to let him commit suicide on the job . " " That 's the word Baldy used . We were there , in the hospital . Baldy was shaken . Our boy has not been . . . okay . Apparently he started taking some real chances at work . Dumb ones . He doesn 't seem to care if he lives or dies . This was just the latest and most boneheaded . We didn 't know how bad he was . He 's been avoiding us lately , hell , he 's been avoiding everyone . " " I . . . I 'll be in touch . " She broke the connection and just stood looking out into the night . Finally she gathered her courage around her , touching the stone that hung around her neck , a gift from Albert . Scully sat gently beside him on the couch . He looked . . . defeated and lost . He was supposed to be safe with her gone . What the hell had happened ? Gently she touched his arm . " Mulder , dinner is ready . " " Please , eat with me , Mulder . I need to eat and I 'd like the company . " He didn 't respond , but she watched him glance back down at her waist and quickly away . Still there were no questions . His eyes narrowed , but she was already on her feet . She brought the bowls into the living room . He hated it , but he wasn 't sure he could make it to the table anyway . He shook his head and set the bowl back on the tray . He lifted the glass of ice tea to his lips then . When he returned it to the tray , he sat back and looked at nothing in particular until she set her own bowl down . " What I did wrong . I never claimed to be some great lover , but that was a new low , even for me - driving you out of town . " He forced himself to look at her again , and saw the stricken look on her face . " That was it , wasn 't it ? You couldn 't even bear to face me . " " No . " It was only a breath . She seemed to shrink in on herself . All of her plans to send him away , angry if necessary , blown away by his words . He ached to reach for her even as he wanted to shake her and scream obscenities in her face . She rose without another word and moved toward the back of the house . He didn 't attempt to follow her . In a minute or two he heard the toilet flush and the water run . When she returned , her eyes were red but she 'd obviously washed her face and to some extent centered herself . Scully stood in front of him . " It 's not a short story and I 'm exhausted . Could we please get into this tomorrow ? " She was telling the truth about herself , but she could see he was barely able to function . He nodded after a moment and levered himself off the couch , ignoring her offer of help . When he reentered the living room , the tray and dishes were gone and she was seated at one end of the small sofa with her legs tucked under her . She was obviously lost in thought . " I can . Go on . " He remembered that expression , besides it was going to be a struggle to get to the next room . He nodded finally and fished the keys from the front pocket of his jeans . He was in the bathroom when she returned with his bag . It was light ; apparently he only brought a couple of changes of clothes . He had known where to look for her . He 'd used Frohike 's information well , and of course there was that intuition of his . She put his bag on a chair in her bedroom . She dug out his medicine and checked the dosage , then shook the pills into her hand and left them on the bedside table . She brought a glass of water in . He wasn 't out of the bathroom yet , so she left him alone . She cleaned the kitchen , washing the dishes and putting away the rest of the soup . When she finally checked , he was in her bed and seemed to be asleep already . She didn 't test it , just pulled the door nearly closed and retreated to the living room . He hadn 't bothered to tell her good night . She tried to stay away , but she couldn 't settle down . Frohike 's words kept coming back to her . Suicide . A sound made her turn toward her room . She stood in the doorway , watching him sleep . He was in a fetal position as though cold , or scared , occasionally he trembled . He shifted slightly and she saw that he had tears running down his face . Her heart broke at the sight . She had abandoned him . It was his worst fear and she had made it real . She 'd made it real after they had finally loved each other . It was the thought she hadn 't allowed herself to contemplate . She had left him so abruptly with no thought except to keep him safe . Keep all of them safe . Finally she turned away and got ready for bed herself . She had planned to sleep on the sofa , but she couldn 't now . She wouldn 't put more distance between them . She pulled on a nightgown and carefully slipped into the bed beside him . He didn 't wake , but moved closer to her , absorbing her warmth . She knew his reserves were completely depleted . He 'd lost over 20 pounds , and he had no business being out of the hospital , much less traveling across country . She woke alone in the bed sometime later and sat up . She spotted him seated in the chair by the window . The anger on his face was obvious , even in this poor light , but there was also something else . . . fear ? His lips parted , but he changed his mind , rising slowly and making his way out of the room . She heard the bathroom door close . A few minutes later she heard him move toward the living room . She rose from the bed and hurried out there . " I said I 'd sleep out here . I will . I won 't bother you , but please take the bed . You need some recovery time . Do this for me , please . " She could see him fighting her plea and she kept her distance , not sure what would anger him more . " Mulder , please . " She was in front of him now , close enough to touch him . She placed her hand over the gun and he let her take it from him , then he sagged against the door frame . " Greg , help me . " She pulled Mulder 's arm around her shoulder . Greg moved then and half lifted Mulder , supporting him to the bed . Mulder 's eyes closed after giving Greg the once over and lay still on the bed . Before Scully could stop him , Greg removed the bandage covering his hip . It was the first time she 'd seen the angry , red wound . His eyes widened and he straightened up . " This is a gunshot wound . What the hell is going on here ? " She straightened up and tightened the sash of her robe . " Greg , I can 't get into this right now , but you need to know it 's already been reported . And he was already treated , when he was injured in the line of duty . " " He 's in law enforcement . There 's no need to report it again . Please , Greg , go on to work . Cover for me . " " He won 't hurt me . Please . " Scully 's hand on Greg 's arm drew him toward the door . Mulder 's eyes opened then , searching for her . She met his eyes , then tugged Greg out of the room . He allowed her to lead him to the front door , but stopped . " He 's the father . " It wasn 't really a question . Scully didn 't respond , looking at the floor beside him . Greg sighed . " I don 't like this . I 'm gonna check on you at lunch . " She nodded . " I promise to explain this when I can . " She opened the door and waited . After a long moment , he spoke , " I 'm going to hold you to that . " He took a deep breath , looking back at the bedroom door before he left . She turned immediately back to her bedroom . She had the impression Mulder had just reclined , but he was watching the door . Mulder 's eyes flicked down to her waist , then quickly away . She made no comment on it . " I 'm going to make you some breakfast . " She took the tray away from the bed . He had eaten his scrambled eggs and toast without protest . He was still drinking his orange juice ; she had refused him coffee . She sat the tray on the dresser and turned to look at him . He slowly put the glass down on her bedside table . He tried to steel himself for whatever she was going to say . She could see his defenses go up . " Agent Dana Scully at a loss for words . Let me help . You 're at my place ; you 're exhausted and fall asleep on my couch . I lean over you to cover you up and . . . and take my shot . I kiss you . I think you enjoy it and take it farther than I should have . After you think about it - " " No . No , that is not what happened . Yes , you kissed me and I did enjoy it . It was the right time for us . You did not force me , in case that ever crossed your mind . " Tears formed in her eyes , but she didn 't back down . No matter what happened now , he had to know what had caused her to leave . " When I got to my place he was there . Inside the apartment . He was waiting for me . He . . . he told me that he knew we had . . . been together . He said that they . . . " No prelude , just the facts ma ' am . A report of an incident . Mulder didn 't ask who . The answer was obvious . Her eyebrow rose even as tears filled her eyes at the look on his face . " I believe the technical term is ' ours ' . " Her voice shook on the last word . " The birds and the bees and the monkey babies ? " He didn 't smile . After a moment she continued . " He told me ' they ' knew , or would soon , and they would kill you for it . He gave me the option of going away to save you or . . . or getting rid of the baby . You aren 't supposed to have children , Mulder . " " Not a baby , Mulder . " She stopped there . " That 's enough for now . You 're exhausted . You had no business coming out here in your condition . " There was more to talk about , so much more , but she was right . He was at the end of his rope . Hearing this had sapped his resolve in ways he hadn 't anticipated . Without a word , he slid down in the bed and turned his back to her . Tears finally slipped from her eyes when she closed them . She let herself out of the bedroom and pulled the door closed . He rolled over and looked at the door once he heard it close . It was all his fault , like he had always thought . He was the reason for everything that had happened to her from the beginning . He wasn 't supposed to have children , him not her . It wasn 't only the FBI that had a pool going apparently . God , what he had done to her life . Why hadn 't this latest shooting just killed him ? Then he couldn 't hurt her anymore . After a long time , he fell asleep . " The man you saw this morning is under tremendous stress and he 's injured . But what he was doing was protecting me . Don 't you see that ? He threatened you because you had hold of me . Please , think about it . " There was silence on the other end of the phone as Greg recreated the scene in his head . Finally she heard him sigh . " I 'm stopping by on my way home . " " They didn 't want me to have kids . You said it yourself . Why they didn 't take care of it by . . . working on me , I don 't know . " She 'd seen that stubborn set of his jaw before . She sighed , " I don 't want to fight about this now . It doesn 't matter ; I am pregnant despite all of that . " He didn 't see the slap coming and his ears rang , though he did hear her words as she slammed into her bedroom . " Obtuse son of a bitch . . . " There was more but that 's what he heard most clearly . When he could , he rose to his feet and headed slowly for her room . He tapped but didn 't wait for her invitation , fairly sure it wouldn 't come . She was sitting on the edge of the bed and didn 't acknowledge him . " Don 't hit me again , please . " He interrupted her and took a seat beside her on the bed . " I was just . . . I didn 't . . . hell , Scully I 'm still back at we made love one night and you left town . The reason you did it hasn 't sunk in yet . To save my life , to save our . . . our child 's life is a new concept for me . " " Well how can you ask me that ? It 's taken me , us , years to get to that point . I thought we were together on our timing , finally . " She seemed to wilt beside him . Finally he reached out and put his arm around her , pulling her to him . She resisted for a moment , then sighed and let herself lean into him . He closed his eyes , his Adam 's apple bobbed in relief . " No , but . . . Mulder , you can 't stay here . It 's not safe and you obviously weren 't planning to . You only brought a couple of changes of clothes . " His stiffness made her look up and she caught his expression before he could hide it . She pulled away slightly , her mouth dropped open . " You weren 't going back , were you ? But you brought your gun . " It wasn 't a question and the outrage on her face frightened him . " Were you going to kill me first , before you shot - " " I smelled him . " He said softly . " How long do you think I could wait that morning to go looking for you ? " He felt her relent slightly . " I didn 't know what he 'd done to you . And I couldn 't believe you 'd just go off with him again , not after last time . I searched for you . . . until the email to Skinner . Then I had to face that you 'd left because of me , because of what I 'd done . " " Oh god . " He closed his eyes for an instant . " You really are pregnant . " He reached for her , and hissed as he pulled on his stitches . " I 'm okay . " He groused , but he allowed her to help him recline . She felt his head for fever . " Don 't go doctor on me now , Scully . " She rolled her eyes , but made no comment . He seemed to be weakening . What little stamina he 'd had was gone . " Get some rest , Mulder . " She started to rise . " Rest . " She did rise then and left the room , leaving the door open this time . He watched her leave . His emotions were all over the place . She hadn 't left him ; she 'd left to protect him . She hadn 't betrayed him with Cancerman . And , and she was carrying his child . He opened his mouth to speak , but then shook his head . Concern took over her face and she felt his forehead again . " Come on , take this , then I want you to eat and take a nap . " He was still asleep when she woke . His breathing seemed heavy , but he wasn 't restless . She touched his face and with a frown , slipped from the bed . He was warm , too warm . Wasn 't there a thermometer in her bathroom ? She found it and rather than wake him , slipped it under his arm . Her eyes widened when she checked it . 102 . 2 , plus a degree . She gathered up his medication and moved to the kitchen to check it out once more . It was what she would have prescribed . But had he taken it ? Obviously not , why would he with what he 'd been planning ? She shivered at the thought , then squared her shoulders . She didn 't know if he had forgiven her , if he could completely forgive her or trust her , but she could treat him . " No . He 's ill . He 's running a fever . I need you to bring me some penicillin . I 'm not going to be able to get medicine down him . How busy are you ? " She moved to the door and motioned him on in . " Brought you one of the electronic thermometers . " He spoke low , " Is he having any problems breathing ? " Greg shifted him slightly and he protested mildly , but didn 't wake . He grunted when she injected him , then Greg helped settle him onto his back . Greg was the one who put the thermometer in his ear . " I know , ' it 's complicated ' . I 've known it for awhile . You obviously have the creds , Kat . Don 't worry , I 'm not going to say anything . Look , keep him here this afternoon . I 'll check back after the clinic closes . If he 's still like this , we 'll have to make other arrangements . " He shook his head , " You 've done a world of good around here . There 's a reason you 're here and we 're benefiting from it . " He squeezed her shoulders , then looked back at the man sleeping in the bed . " If anyone can do it , I 'm betting on you . Call me . " By the time Greg returned , she had to concede he was correct . Mulder needed more . He was too weak ; he 'd not been interested in healing . At Greg 's insistence , they maneuvered him out to his rental car and transported him to the clinic . He was completely non - responsive now and his breathing was definitely labored . After three days , he was worse . Greg was ready to drug her to get her some rest . The IVs were still carrying medicine and nourishment into his body , but it wasn 't helping . Naomi opened the door and looked over at the patient . She turned to look behind her and Albert followed her in . Mulder was quiet and pale , his breathing labored , but it was the woman beside him Naomi was more worried about . Scully looked up and saw the woman that had looked after her when she had first arrived . " N - Naomi , Albert , help him . " Her eyes showed her fear . " I can 't get his fever down . I 'm not sure he 's strong enough to be moved . " " He needs you , Dana , but right now you can 't reach him . And you 've exhausted yourself . We will stay with your Mulder , but you must lie down . " Albert pointed to the second bed in the room . " That would be the most help for you both right now . " " We won 't leave either of you . Rest , Dana . It is what you both need . " Naomi helped her to recline and covered her with the light blanket . When she turned back to her father - in - law , he was fastening a cord around Mulder 's neck . Now a stone that matched Scully 's rested on his chest beside her cross . Scully stirred and sat up . Where was she ? She had been at the clinic with Mulder . She 'd been resting at Albert 's insistence . Now she was parked on the side of the road . The driver 's side of the car was empty . Was she asleep ? She couldn 't be ; she could feel the seatbelt around her . This was a rental car , like the hundreds she 'd been in with Mulder . Was he here ? She looked around but didn 't spot him . Finally she opened the door to the car and got out . He had to be here ; otherwise she would have been in the driver 's seat . Had he taken a bathroom break ? It was going to get dark soon , where had he gotten to ? She took a few steps from the car and looked around again . She could feel the heat from the ground through her shoes . How the hell had she gotten here ? She felt the need , the pull to look for him . She had to find him , but where was he ? She found her hand around the stone Albert had given her . For some reason that made her feel more confident . She headed out into the desert . She 'd keep the car in sight , but she had to find him . The feeling was getting stronger - he needed her . She walked longer than she thought she would , but she couldn 't stop . He was out here somewhere . The car was long out of sight before she finally spotted him . He had his back to her . For some reason she didn 't call out to him . She continued toward him , but he didn 't seem to notice . Then she saw that he was crying , his shoulders were slumped and tears were making their way down his face . She turned to see what he was looking at and finally saw the others . There was a little girl , walking away from him . She wasn 't hurrying , just walking and not looking back . She had long dark hair that flowed down her back . Behind her and to the right was an older woman with silver hair . She too was just walking away , without a backward glance . Something made her look over to the left and walking away at a different angle from the other two was a dark haired woman . And there were others , drifting away , leaving him all alone . Then she saw the slight red - headed woman . She was trailing behind the young girl and the older woman , but she too was leaving him without noticing him standing there . Wait a minute - that looked like her . She opened her mouth to call out to him , but found she couldn 't speak . And she couldn 't seem to get closer to him , no matter how fast she walked . Then it hit her , this was what he saw , the girl - that was Samantha and , and the woman was Teena . Scully turned toward the brunette . That was Diana . She had left him , in a different way , but Diana too had abandoned him . But she hadn 't , at least she hadn 't meant to . He wasn 't even trying to go after these women . He looked so . . . so defeated . No ! She was here , she wasn 't going to leave him . Not now . If she 'd been thinking straight she would never have left in the first place , but she had been so shaken by Spender 's words . She looked down and realized she wasn 't pregnant . No , no ! She wouldn 't allow him to be abandoned by the family he had created . " Mulder ! " He shook his head , " You 're not here . You left , just like everyone else . I trusted you , I let myself , I let myself love you . Of course you left . " She watched him look down at her body then and realized she was large with his child . He looked at her body for a long moment . She reached out her hand to him and when he wouldn 't take it , grasped his fingers . " Please , let me earn your trust again . " She moved closer and rose on her toes to meet his lips . He didn 't close his eyes , watching her kiss him . " Mulder , I want to be with you . Please . " Scully slipped from the adjacent bed and reached for him . His eyes were flickering . " Mulder , can you hear me ? " She felt for his hand and he weakly took her fingers in his own . " Shh . I 'm here . I 'm right here and I 'm not leaving you . We 're not leaving you . " She brought his hand to her lips .

The last couple of days have been pretty non - eventful , so there 's really nothing for me to talk about . Unless you want to hear about the 8 loads of laundry I 've done between today and yesterday . Or the number of times I 've swept the floors . I used to be excited for summer and letting Luke play outside all the time , but now that I see how much grass and dirt he ( and the dog ) track in , my enthusiasum is waning . Maybe you 'd like to hear about Luke 's first purchase today at Hobby Lobby . No , you 'd rather not ? That 's okay . I just had two coupons that were " one per customer per day " . So Luke ' bought ' something so I could use both coupons . Clever , eh ? I think I 'll just bake myself a cookie for a treat , hop in the shower ( one of those really rare days where I didn 't get a shower today ) , and call it a day . Fingers crossed that tomorrow something worth talking about happens . On second thought , uncross those fingers . When something exciting happens , it 's usually a little on the crazy side , and I think I 'll take a few uncrazy days for awhile . This morning I took Luke to a birthday party . Our friends ' little boy , Zane , turns 2 next weekend ! Since it 's Easter weekend for his actual birthday , they bumped up the party and Luke got to participate in another first . . . . his first Easter egg hunt ! He was into it for the first five minutes , and then once we got towards the drive - way the cars were more alluring and he lost interest in finding some silly ole eggs . Then we all went inside to open presents , and Luke decided it was melt down time . In all fairness , it was an hour past nap time and I did DRAG him away from almost playing in the street . I 'm so mean , I don 't know how he stands it . Unfortunantly I ( suprise suprise ) forgot my camera , but luckily John got a few pictures of Luke and just posted them to Facebook . And this one was before lunch and the egg hunt and presents when the kids were just running around playing . There was a super fun fort in the back yard ! Once the melt - downs started I hauled Luke home and handed him off to Cody for a nap . Then I went to Target SOLO . And I got . . . . . . . . a purse . On clearence ! I only paid $ 17 for it ! Whoo hoo ! Now I know just the other day I was saying how I didn 't need a purse because it was basically an adult diaper bag and I wanted to get rid of all baggage , but they just kept calling to me . I have been obsessively looking at purses on Etsy and I was thisclose to buying on one from this lady or maybe the blue flora from this lady , but then I realized I could have instant gratification if I bought one here in town . Plus as a bonus I saved a ton of money ( which I used to buy Luke a new shirt , on clearence also , and two new pairs of flip flops , and his Easter basket stuffers ) . Also , I 've been obsessed with staring at Luke 's new bedding and some new cowboy boots for this fall . I know , I know , it will be MONTHS before we bump up Luke 's bed and he needs new bedding , but a girl can dream right ? I 'm pretty sure I 'm going to go with this quilt ( oooooo , or this one ) and the rest of the room will be vintage cowboy decorations . And I 'm waiting until close to fall for his new boots so the sizing will be more accurate . I 'm starting to save now ! The Jehovah 's Witness ladies came back today . At first I didn 't know who it was . The boys were down for their naps , I was about to hop in the shower , and the dog starts barking . Of course I start whispering threats to her that within an inch of her life to STOP BARKING , all while hiding from who ever was on the other side of the door . Of course one of the boys woke up . At first I was angry . Any mom who had finally achieved peace and quiet only to have it cruelly and suprisingly taken away can identify with this one . How dare they ring my door bell during nap time ? ! Don 't they know anything ? ! I got myself so worked up I had half a mind to go after them . Then I heard them talking behind the door . I heard one of them say " I guess she 's not home . Let 's head back to the car . " Then I felt guilty . These ladies , however misguided they are , truly feel like they are doing what God is calling them to do . And there I was hiding out and refusing to answer the door . Even though it 's my door , my house , and I have the right to not answer the door if I don 't want to . And I found this . I felt HORRIBLE . It was the same sweet lady who helped me last time . Yeah , I know she just wanted to convert me , because I 'm not the ' right ' kind of Jesus - lover , but still . She was so nice . So if anyone is interested in getting involved with the JW here in town , I think Gloria would gladly tell you all about it . I , however , will be attending my own church on Easter . The church I attend every Sunday . For the last 20 years . Except while I was in college , living in another town . Yesterday was a perfect day . The kind of day romanticised about in the minds of anyone who is not actually a stay at home mom . We stayed in bed until 9 . I was able to enjoy the DVR and coffee until 10 . We went to the park from 10 : 30 to 12 . I got to pick up something for lunch on the way home . Everyone went down for a nap quickly and I got to eat lunch in solitude with a book ( and Luke ate his sandwich quickly before nap time ! ) . After nap we spent the rest of the afternoon in the backyard before getting Wing Stop for dinner . The only snaffu was when Luke found a pink highlighter . And painted his face with it . I was so glad that it came off relatively easily , once I got past the flailing arms and bucking head . Having a great day yesterday didn 't set today up for much success . I got spoiled by no whinning . So when Luke decided it was okay to get up at 7 , I was a little dissapointed . And when he decided to make it a long morning where nothing was going his way , he was dissapointed and made sure there were enough tears to let me know it . Another big milestone did happen today though . . . . . Luke has learned to open doors . No more are the days of safety where simply closing a door will do the trick . Now I 'm going to have to go get some of those annoying door knob covers to put everywhere . Ug , I hate those . So now Luke gets time out when he goes in Daddy 's room ( aka - the computer room where he gets up and pushes all the buttons on it ) . Tonight he went in there while Cody was on the comptuer , and before I could stop myself I said " You know you 're not supposed to be in here . You know you get time out when you do . " And my sweet sweet boy ran off down the hall and plopped himself in his time out spot , no fits or crying or anything . Oh I just wanted to hug him . But I was strong and set the timer ( even though I hadn 't really meant for him to actually have a time out ) . Don 't tell him , but just this time I set the timer for just a few seconds instead of the whole minute . I couldn 't bear to do it . Maybe my day was just a little pessimistic due to all the cholesterol I consumed yesterday . Not only did I have the world 's worst healthiest food for you for dinner - wings and fries , but I had Jack - in - the - Box for lunch . I had not eaten at either of those places in YEARS , and I could practically hear my arteries gearing up for the war I launched on them . That and all of my jeans groaning at the thought of the strain that will be placed on them in the next few weeks as I convince myself that they will still fit with 30 extra pounds hanging around my middle . I could have made up for it today , chosen really good eating choices for my self . Nah . I thought chicken nugget shaped patties ( that 's what the bag says ! ) , Bagel Bites , and mac ' n ' cheese sounded better . Posted by First off , I want to say PRAISE JESUS for the beautiful weather that came back today . Yes , we may have had snow on the ground yesterday morning , but that was a distant memory today as my curtains fluttered in the mild breeze of a lower 70 's day . The sun was a beautiful thing . ( and just so you know , today is the kind of day that is a perfect example of why I keep my camera in my pocket at home ) This morning as I was making my bed , I realized that my shadow wasn 't there handing me pillows and " fluffing " them ( smacking the middle really hard ) . I wrapped up the chore alone and went in search of him . He met me in the hallway looking like this . ( okay , so you can 't see really well in the picture , but his face is covered with crumbs ) You see , I made a rookie mistake today . I had been storing an extra cake from yesterday on the washing machine and today when I started laundry I absently mindedly put it on the kitchen table . And someone found it when Momma wasn 't looking . I clean it all up and get out the ironing . I didn 't do any ironing last week , and poor Cody only had one ironed shirt to choose from this morning . Oops ! I get the board out , set it up , then get the clothes out and lay them down , THEN go get the iron . This way no one gets curious about the dangerous appliance while my back is turned . When I return to the room I see this . One child working up a fuss to get OFF of the floor , one child making a mess to play ON the floor , and a dog on my clean laundry . At least this time she was semi clean , unlike last time . So I got all settled in and started to iron . Luke is running around like a mad man , and he eventually finds my thermometer . As I 'm ironing , I look around me and see this . Did you know walls needed their temperature taken ? Then later Luke was eating lunch ( yes , this was all before lunch ) and I started emptying the dishwasher . Who needs to eat peanut butter and jelly when there are dishes to put away ? They were all the dessert plates and cups and saucers from the shower so I was a little nervous about him handling my Fiesta Ware . But he handed me the plates very nicely . When we got to the top rack where the cups were , he stood on his very tippy toes to get one of the teacups out . Then he takes off running . Panicked , I follow him . But look what he was doing ! Do I have me a smart boy or what ? I didn 't have the heart to take it out and put it up in the cabinet where it really belonged right there in front of him , so I just gave him a high five and told him thank you and moved it during nap time . I love that kid . So I 'm feeling a bit sheepish over my drama - queen like post yesterday about making the cake . Yes it was frustrating , but I am so blessed to have amazing friends in my life who gushed over it . They are so sweet and made me feel better . There were about 30 ladies who came out to bless Sara and baby Ryan with some love . We all had a fantastic afternoon of fellowship and food . The recipe for a perfect party ! And without further ado . . . . . ( hung on the wall beside the dining room table , there are close ups of some of the things down below , but I didn 't get a close up of the bag . I am mad that I forgot ! Maybe the next time I go over there I 'll ask her if I can take one . ) So today was supposed to be a relaxing day . Yesterday I spent the entire day cleaning my house , with the windows open and the music blaring . It was a gorgous sunny day , high in the mid 70 's . Luke slept until 9 and we had fun playing after I was done . Today he woke up at 7 : 45 . To the rain . The very cold rain . I figured I would bake my cake , dust , and sit and drink lots of coffee . About 10 I started to bake the cake . It was then that I realized I had no butter . I called Mom and she brought me some , along with extra chairs and a table cloth ( I 'm throwing a baby shower tomorrow , did I tell you ? ) . Finally about 12 : 30 I got to start . I needed to make two cake mixes worth , so by the time both sets got baked and cooled , it was about 4 : 30 before I could start decorating . That 's when I realized I had two different kinds of icings . * sigh * Looks like we had to go to the store anyway . I needed to take a shirt back that I bought on Thursday because it was too small , and the store is out by one of the Walmarts here in town . I think to myself " I 'll get the icing and more butter at Walmart and take the shirt back , and then I 'll be caught up with errands . " So I got Luke and I dressed warmly , because the temperature was dropping , and drove over to Walmart . We had to park in the farthest away spot . It was so cold that I carried him like an infant in my arms and RAN up the parking lot to the store . Frigid . And guess what ? They didn 't have the icing I wanted . I was so irritated . I bundle Luke up in my arms and RAN back to the car with SNOWFLAKES swirling around . You heard me . Snow . Flakes . So we go and take my shirt back , and then run into Tom Thumb . Good ole faithful Tom Thumb . They had what I needed . We get home , and I start icing the cakes . I even out the bottom half of the bottom layer , and starting spreading on the chocolate icing . Except everytime I moved the knife to spread it , the cake fell apart a little bit more . I ended up with this . I was so upset that at one point I may have actually jumped up and down several times screaming , sufficiently scaring my child . Out raged we headed BACK to the store to get another cake mix , more eggs , and an extra can of icing just in case . By 6 : 30 I 'm mixing up a third cake . An hour later I can start the icing expedition again . I WILL NEVER BAKE A CAKE FOR AN EVENT AGAIN . I am too much of a perfectionist , too self conscious , too . . . . . . . Lindsey . . . . . . . . . . to do this again . I am disappointed at how it turned out , but I 'm a little stuck . It 's lop sided and I couldn 't get the icing as smooth as I wanted . Part of the white piping is shaky , and trying to deal with Luke during all of this was the most frustrating thing I 've done in a long time . I know that Sara will love it tomorrow , but I just know how some of the other ladies are when they leave . " Did you see the way it leaned ? " " That cake was pitiful , you could totally tell it was homemade . " I may not ever find out what they say , but I know that things will be said so it 's hurtful all the same . But like I said , I 'm stuck . I 'll contemplate putting pictures up tomorrow . And I know I shouldn 't care what other people think , but whatever . On a brighter note , I got to use my great grandmother 's cake plate ! I 've had it for years and never got to use it . Isn 't it beautiful ? Also , today was the first day of spring . As I 've previously mentioned , yesterday was absoluetly perfect , and today the temperature totally bottomed out . In fact , about 8 : 30 tonight I took this from the back door . Amazing , huh ? I blame myself really . I switched out Luke 's entire wardrob on Thursday to summer clothes and packed up all of his winter things . So it 's all my fault , I 'm the one who jinxed the weather . Also I 'm guessing you are probably wondering where Cody was in all of this today . Well , I didn 't want to say anything ( you know , in case crazy robber / murderers take the time to stop by and read this and know where I live ) , but Cody 's been out of town since Wednesday afternoon . He was going to leave straight from work , but if you remember he forgot something and gave me a little scare . He went on his annual BFF trip with Dillon to South Padre and they are on their way back . Not a moment too soon either , I obviously needed my partner today ! I even tried to make a fire for myself tonight , but lets just call that a FAIL . And now for maybe my most random observation in awhile , but ( don 't judge ) I 've got Golden Girls on in the back ground while I type , and a very young George Clooney is on this episode ! Who knew ? Posted by Mom , Luke , and I went shopping this morning . I laid out all of the summery clothes in size 24 months that we have bought here and there on sale and took note of all the holes . The child had 5 pairs of plaid shorts , and only 2 of them had polos to go with them . He had no denim and no khaki shorts or pants . So the shopping was on . He is now competely decked out , and no one better ever buy him another polo until he grows into the next size . I think we topped out at 13 . I 'm also a little ashamed to admit that we bought him . . . . . . . * gasp * . . . . . . . basketball shorts . But they are ONLY for nap time . Yesterday 's diaperless fiasco ( again ) led Mom to a great revelation . Why not buy him something super comfortable to nap in that will make the diaper inaccessable ? Brilliant . So now Luke owns a little piece of sports ware , and it was not a moment to soon . When I came home and tried to put him donw for a nap , guess what happened again . Yep . As soon as I left it was off with the diaper . Only this time I came in armed with the shorts and successfully navigated a fully diapered nap . After I was sure he was asleep I hit the front lawn again . Two bags of weeds later , I think I 'm done for awhile . Mom and Dad brought a pizza over for dinner , and they could tell that the lawn was MUCH better . I think I can handle a bunch of church ladies coming over on Sunday for a baby shower . I was just so embarrassed . Also , I didn 't want anyone to think poorly of Cody . I know we may not be in the best place marital wise , but I still don 't want anyone to think that Cody is falling down on his lawn care job . Plus as a bonus my toes are now nice and tan from three days of working in the sun with flip flops on . Posted by This morning Mom and Dad took me and Luke and Grandmother ( my grandmother ) to the Dallas Arboretum . I can 't believe we 've lived here for 20 years and never been there before . It was B . E . A . U . T . I . F . U . L . So serene . There were parts of it that totally made me feel like a princess in a royal palace garden . Then it made me want to be a princess so I could have a royal palace garden . I don 't know how anyone could not be happy or not love God with every ounce of being in that place . I did get a few pictures , more than I normally get when we are out and about , but my poor baby hates getting his picture taken . Hates it . I think he just doesn 't like to be told where to stand or made to be still . He is one busy kid . He dozed for a few minutes on the way home , and I knew that would ruin the chances of him taking a nap at home . But , I tried none the less . We got home and I promptly took off his shoes and pants , changed his diaper , and put him to bed . 30 minutes later he was still babbling away so I went into check on him . His socks , paci , and diaper were on the floor . And his quilt was wet . Awesome . So I put a fresh diaper on him , grabbed a pair of shorts out of the drawer below the change table , and put him back in bed . Then I went out front to work on the other half of the lawn . I had pulled three trash bags full of weeds when I heard a rattling at the front door . I look up , and there is Luke . My first thought was " Oh crap . He climbed / fell / busted out of his crib . What am I going to do . " Then as I walked up the side walk to the door I see Daisy . I had left her out back so she wouldn 't distract or wake up Luke by begging at the front door . My next thought was " Oh nice . He 's been out of bed long enough to let the dog back in . " Then I saw a man standing behind them and I screamed . Then I realized it was Cody . He was supposed to be at work , but had run home because he had forgotten something . Instead of telling me he was home , he heard the baby still babbling and got him up . And he laughed and laughed at me for screaming . A few mPosted by That was the theme of today . Mostly . This morning we were supposed to have our first play date at the park , and what did it decide to do last night ? Rain . And get cold . So I sent out an emergency email and had the girls bring everyone over here . It worked out great ! I needed to get some stuff done around the house , so that kicked me into high gear , and then I didn 't have to think about it all afternoon ! I had a great time visiting and the kids played well together . Lots of sharing toys , shrieks , and snacks . Then I put Luke down for a nap and Mom and Dad came over to babysit , because Momma had some appointments . At 2 I got a pedicure at this new place that was amazing . All the fancy treatments for only $ 25 . Does it get any better ? Oh wait . It does . Aftewards I went to Target for a few things we needed , and a few things we didn 't need . Like me a new dress . I tried on a few , and luckily they didn 't fit right ( whew , then I didn 't have to choose which one I wanted or feel dissapointed about not getting it ) so it made the one I purchased all the more better . While I was there , these two teenage girls wearing mismatched clothing , tiara 's , and sharing an ipod were marching around the store singing at the tops of their lungs . Seriously ? It just made me so glad to not be a teenager . Not to feel like singing in Target was the only way to get attention . Not to giggle idiotically while doing something stupid and thinking " I 'm so cool . " Ugg . I pity them . But , we 've all done ridiculous things in the name of adolescence , and so I 'm just chalking it up to that . Also as I was perusing the isles of dear old Target , I came to the purses . I 'm not sure how I feel about purses for myself . As Luke is getting older we are needing the diaper bag less and less . And as I looked at these beautiful , colorful , LARGE purses , I couldn 't help but wonder , are purses really just adult diaper bags ? And now that I 'm finally able to give it up , am I really able to move on to something that only looks grown up on the outside yet inside would function aThen I went to get my hair cut . Can you believe it 's been A YEAR since I 've had a hair cut ? I know , I know . I just never got around to it , I don 't really care about it , and I hated to spend money on it . So that adds up to only getting an anual haircut . And today was the day . But it really went in with the theme of pampering , because the lady washed and rubbed my head , gave me a haircut that I love , and then styled it in a way that I don 't mind having for the rest of the day . Have you ever gotten a hair cut and then had to come home and redo the style because what the lady did is not EVER how you would go out in public ? I have . Whether it 's too much product , too much volume , or too curly , I 've had to come home and wash it and fix it again . Not this time . I love it ! And what 's more , Cody loves it ! He came in and IMMEDIATELY noticed , even though I didn 't get much cut off . And then he told me I looked super hot . : ) Oh yeah . So tonight he took me out to dinner . Luke was still with Nana and Papa from his afternoon of fun . I wore my new dress , my new hair , and my new toe nail polish to the Yellow Rose Steakhouse . If you live around here DON ' T go there . The food was waaaaaaaaaaaay over priced , dry , and the service was horrible . Horrible . I 'm still waiting for more bread . But at least I got to spend the evening with my man , and looked cute doing it . Have you ever wondered why it is so hard to roll out of bed the later you sleep ? I totally had that problem today . Luke woke up at 8 : 15 and talked for a few mintues , then all was quiet . Then a little while later he talked some more , and all was quiet . He really let me know about 8 : 45 that he was done with the whole bed thing , but I just couldn 't get up . I made him stay there until 9 when I finally got up , and even then I fixed him breakfast and immediatly laid on the couch while he ate . Until I got strawberry juicy fingers on my shoulder tapping me awake . Mmmmmmm . . . . . toddler food fingers . Later on in the morning he started building pillow mountains in the bedroom and falling over into them , so we played a game where we counted " Ooooooone . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Twoooooo . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Threeeeeeeeeeee . . . . . . . . . . Gooooo ! " and we would fall over and giggle giggle giggle . Oh to be in the mind of a 20 month old . This afternoon we got out and did a couple of errands . His nose has been on a pretty constant drip the last week , so I got him some allergy meds today and I 'm hoping that clears it up . Tonight was WWIII trying to get it down him so it better be worth it . We also went to the grocery store and I think I may finally be stocked up on stuff for a while . It 's been awhile since we 've been that way due to my forgetfulness of what we need when I 'm actually at the store . Then I got out in the front yard and started pulling weeds . I got two HUGE trash bags full , and I 'm happy to say I did make a dent . I got about 85 % of one side of the yard done , so while it looks a little uneven , I 'm okay with it . Maybe in the next day or so I can get out and work on the other side . We absolutely have the worst lawn on our street . I 'm just hoping this feeble attempt to right our embarrasing wrong appeases the neighbors and they don 't ban together and put a flaming bag of poo on our front porch for being THAT LAWN on the street . So let me start back on Friday morning . Friday morning was like any other morning . We got up , ate breakfast , and played . Luke was playing in the living room so I went back to my room and made the bed . As I finished making the bed I turned around and there was Luke . Naked . As I gasped loudly I scooped him up and quickly ran to dress him again , lest he pee pee everywhere . The rest of the morning went normally . We ate lunch on time . I put him down for a nap on time . Cody comes home in the middle of nap time and Luke is STILL talking in bed . Just jibber jabbering away . Cody can 't stand the thought of him being awake and just sitting in bed , so he goes into his room . What is Luke doing ? Standing in bed . Naked . Again . No wonder the child wasn 't asleep . I didn 't see any big wet spots around as we were howling with laughter and putting clothes back on him . * whew ! * Then we got packed up , because we were driving to College Station for a wedding , and I figured that it was okay that he didn 't get a nap since we would be in the car for 3 hours . He could just sleep on the way , right ? Wrong . The trip ended up taking 4 hours and he didn 't sleep a wink . No big deal , he wasn 't in a bad mood and so I just thought , " Well , when we get to the rehersal dinner I 'll get some food , sit him in my lap , and he can go to sleep while I eat . Then he won 't be running around and be a huge distraction . This could work . " Good plan right ? Wrong . Still didn 't sleep . He didn 't end up sleeping until we got to Cody 's aunt and uncle 's house late that night . This child was awake from 7 : 45 to 10 : 30 without being in an awful mood at all . It was a Christmas miracle . Except it wasn 't Christmas . Saturday morning he woke up at his normal time , 7 : 30 , and while I was bummed to not get to stay in Phyllis ' comfy bed later than that , I was hoping this would mean Luke would stay on some type of schedule . I was right . In fact , he even let me put him down for his nap an hour early and he still passed out as soon as I left the room . Which was good , because he only got about 1 1 / 2 hours of sleep before I had to wake him up to go to the wedding . Our friend of ours that we grew up with , Alan , got married to a lovely girl , Lisa . It was a beautiful outdoor wedding . I had never been to one of those ! Cody and I had a great time catching up with lots of old friends , and Luke had a ball running around the grounds with Grandad chasing him ( we drove up with Cody 's parents ) . I even let Luke bust out his Easter outfit , and he was the cutest kid at the whole shin - dig . ( due to his rather short neck , you can 't really see his tie , but he has one on in there ) ( the closest I got to a family picture . I was mad at myself for forgetting to get one ! But you know me . I got caught up in the event and forgot to take pictures . ) After it was over we hit the road again to come home . I figured after running around the entire afternoon Luke would sleep in the car ride home , right ? WRONG ! Holy moly that kid didn 't even doze off once in all the hours we were in the car . I guess there were too many airplanes to spot or clouds to stare at . We got home at 10 : 15 last night , so I just washed his hair quickly ( come on , he had been out side and today was church day ) and put him to bed . When I went to check on him later he hadn 't moved from the spot I laid him in . And the poor kid had to be woken up to go to bible class this morning . Tonight instead of small groups , the few of us that were still in town due to spring break met at the park and just had fun . The weekend of sleep deprivation caught up to us though , and by 6 : 30 we were headed home due to major meltdowns . Now all is quiet in the Carver house . : ) Ahhhhh . . . . . . All in all we had a fantastic weekend . It was so nice not to have to drive to College Station , and I always enjoy staying with Ray and Phyllis . As we were leaving Phyllis even gave me an extra copy of Beth Moore 's new book ! I was thrilled and I can 't wait to start it . It deals with insecurity and I 'm sure Miss Beth will have lots of things for me to learn in it . It was so sweet of her ! I believe I will end this weekend with some quality time with the DVR . A new episode of Who Do You Think You Are was on Friday night , and I am interested to see where Emmit Smith came from . . . . After breakfast this morning I let Daisy outside and went to check on Kayden ( who had passed out in Luke 's bed . I laid K in there to take L out and change his diaper , by the time I got back to K he was already asleep . ) He was still asleep . Then I realized Daisy was inside . With my head hanging I remembered that I didn 't lock the door after letting her outside and SOMEONE figured it out . In his p . j . 's . With no shoes on . In the mud from the rain yesterday . ( and no , that 's not grass , all the green you see are WEEDS . What in the world am I going to do ? ) On a much more positive note , Dawn from ECI came today and while we were playing Luke kept saying " yuck " when getting a toy , and she said he was saying " look " ! A new word ! It totally makes sense , and my education background should have given me the clue that lots of kids say / y / for / l / ( like some kids switch / w / for / l / . My best friend when I was little couldn 't say her L 's , so I was Windsey Wittle . ) I 'm going to be watching out for more phonem switches like this to see if he 's really saying more than I realize ! This morning I was feeling a little kicky , so I made cinnamon rolls for breakfast . At first Luke just licked the icing off and said " Mmmmmmm ! " after eat finger full , but then he finally started taking bites . He got icing everywhere . After breakfast I cleaned him up and moved on to sort the laundry , when I hear lots of giggling . Finally I went in search for him and found him with the camera , which I had mistakenly left on the table . He figured out how to turn it on , and how to take pictures . He took 49 , yes , 49 pictures that all look like this . And this . Later , after naptime , I loaded up Luke and Kayden into the car and we took a field trip to Sonic for my Dr . Pepper , and the grocery store . It was such an absolutely gorgeous day that I thought Lukie needed a treat , so I bought him his very first apple juice slushie from Sonic . I waited until we got to the grocery store to give it to him , lest it all end up on his shirt and pants in the car , and he was in HOG HEAVEN . That kid did not let the straw come out of his mouth the entire trip . He nursed it all the way home and when we got inside . Love it . This face totally says " Hey , I know what that thing does , lemme play with it ! I love that camera thing ! " No , son . No . ( and don 't you just love him in flip flops . I LOVE them ! ) Then we went out back and he would take a drink , set it down to run off , but then come right back for it . Kayden watch the birds fly by in his car seat while I pulled three trash bags of weeds and you can 't even tell I was out there . I 'm afraid of two things . . . . . # 1 that we will still have out of control weeds this year even though I 've pre treated for them and # 2 that my back will be useless tomorrow due to an inordinate amount of time bent over pulling them today . Only time will tell for both . Oh man , it has rained for the last two days straight pretty much . Finally this evening it stopped , and it was lovely outside ! I ran to the grocery store about 5 , and half of the sky was grey , half was bright blue . So dramatic ! Usually you see the clouds thinning and eventually they are gone , but not this time . The cloud just . . . . . stopped . And it was blue sky and sunshine . Very odd . But the temperature was perfect and the smell was delicious . That 's something you don 't get too much in the wet winter weather , the heavenly aroma of damp earth . On a completely random note , this afternoon I watched The Rocky Horror Picture Show . Oh . My . Goodness . That was an experience . And I do not get why it 's such a big deal . Is it because they cross dressed before it was more socially acceptable ? Is it because they treat sex like it 's no big deal ? I don 't know , but it was just odd . At least I can say I 've watched it now , but it was probably a first and last time kind of deal . I wonder if Susan Sarandon is mortally embarrassed to have been in it . This afternoon the preschool at our church had their annual fundraising auction . Mom and Dad and Ashley took Luke up there for a little while and I did some errands in the mean time kid free before meeting up with them . Did you hear that ? KID FREE . That meant lunch . KID FREE . Any mom will tell you this is a magical thing . I love my husband . I love my son . But sometimes a girl just needs to be ALONE . Not on a date . Not on mom duty . Alone . So with this wonderful chance I took myself to Which Wich , and it came with a highly dissapointing suprise . They didn 't have Dr . Pepper . They had . . . . . . . . * GAAAAAAAASP * Mr . Pibb . Uggggggggg , is there anything worse than that ? Where are we , England ? I couldn 't believe that there was a food establishment in Texas that did not serve Dr . Pepper . It 's like saying , " Hey I know that you ordered Sprite , but here is some water . It 's the same since they 're both clear , right ? " Oh , so not right . But I suffered through the beverage for my rather taste sandwich . Then I spent the entire rest of the day cleaning . Remember how I said I need something highly motivating to get me to clean ? Well , small groups is at my house tomorrow night , and people keep emailing me saying they can come . We have a pretty . . . . . cozy . . . . . . . house , and so far we 've got 20 adults and 10 kids coming , and I haven 't even heard from everyone . No need to sit down when you 're standing shoulder to shoulder . This morning I was able to face the music and start the ole clean up process on the house . First task on the list , was the dining room table so that I could push the computer to the middle of the table out of someone 's reach . But that someone got a little desperate for buttons and that lead to this . * sigh * What am I going to do with him ? Also in the midst of my cleaning I finally recovered my ottomans . Well , recovered one , it took so long that I 'm putting the other one off until tomorrow . The new material is the black and white . I 'm not sure if I like it , it seems to be a little boring . But the red and white was sooooooo nasty dirty from a little boy 's cup / yogurt / food fingers / drool that I couldn 't stand it any more . Okay , now I really do have to brag on my boy . I know that mostly all I talk about is how much of a mess Luke is , but he really is a sweet sweet boy . Tonight Cody went out to dinner and a game with some of his friends ( one is getting married next weekend ) so Luke took me out on a date . See ? Sweet boy . He took me to Cracker Barrel and he was a PERFECT gentleman . No fits , no screaming , no fighting me tooth and nail . We had a lovely dinner . Only one little faux pas when he beltched like there was no bodies busisness , but I thought it was hysterical and I was actually sad I was the only one who got to witness it . I love my kid ! We all know children copy their parents . We all know they like to shadow . My shadow has picked up on a few things . Maybe that 's how he knew to lock the door . Or blow his nose . Now he 's a pro at sewing . . . . . Oh who am I kidding . It 's a fluke . He 's also watched me empty dishwasher enough to know where things go ( as well as play with all my pans enough to remember where he got those big flat metal toys ) . When it 's time to put the dishes away , first he will put up his spoons , then any cookie sheets and pots and pans . That 's all the things that are located on ground level , so after that he just hands me plates and cups and stuff . One things he does that he is NOT copying from me is laying on the floor , screaming , and thrashing all body parts around to protest the " no " I just told him . It 's lovely . Where do kids get that from ? I mean , the stamping of the feet and screaming , I get that . Heck . I still do that . But the full out tantrum on the floor ? Come on kid . Posted by At about 9 : 45 this morning we were up , Luke had eaten breakfast and was playing , I was eating my pancakes and getting caught up on the computer . There was a knock at the door . It was Jehovah 's Witnesses ( ladies this time , I 've never seen lady JW before ) and Luke and I hid while the dog barked at them . You know , her YIP YIP YIP . They left , we went back to what we were doing , and I had a post brewing in my head about why do I feel guily about not answering the door when it 's MY house ? It 's my choice right ? But that 's not what I 'm here to tell you about . A good hour later I realize that the day is going to get pretty warm , so I need to go out to the garage and look at the pre - emergent fertilizer that I bought yesterday , lest I wait to long , it not be effective , and we 've got weedapallooz again this year . I tried to get Luke to put his shoes on so he could play in the backyard while I figured out how to work this stuff , but he wouldn 't so I made him stay inside . Now before you get all " CPS ! CPS ! Child left unattended ! " I was only going out to read the directions of what do to , therefore only going to be gone a couple of minutes . As soon as I shut the back door behind me Luke tried his darn best to get that door open by twisting the door knob . Guess what I forgot was on the door knob ? A push lock . Do you see where I 'm going with this ? After a couple of minutes of reading the directions on the fertilizer pagkage , I get a game plan in my head of how to attack the lawn and try to get back inside . The door is locked . Locked . From the inside . Where my child is . Alone . My mind went blank and then started racing . What do I do ? Where do I go ? Who do I call ? What do I call on ? Will anyone be home ? I didn 't have my cell phone , therefore I knew not a one phone number . I know pretty much all of my neighbors are at work . Finally I run next door to try and start the knocking process , when who do I see ? The Jehovah 's Witness ladies . Oh man , I 'm gonna have to ask them for help , aren 't I Lord ? He said yes . So I did . I sucked it up and asked them if they had a cell phone . Of course they were nice as could be and handed one right over . But then I told them I was locked out , my 20 month old was in there , and I had no idea who to call . Then one of the ladies asked if it was a push lock or a dead bolt . I said push lock , and she said she knew how to jimmy it open with a credit card . WHAT . You 've got to be kidding . She said she got locked out of her house not too long ago and she managed to get back in this way . So we all trooped back to the garage and after jiggling and pushing and scraping for several long minutes ( and chit chatting with the other lady , because really , what was I to do ? ) , she GOT IT OPEN . And there was my child , laughing at the big panicky game he had created . Then we all hugged , they gave me their book , and were on their way . Maybe they were sent to my neighborhood this morning to convert someone , or maybe they were just sent to help a poor helpless soul back into her house . Either way , the only injury sustained was by my pancake plate , which I had left on the computer desk and SOMEONE was trying to be sneaky and play on the computer while Momma was no where to be found . ( yes , that 's strawberry syrup everywhere ) And if you are wondering where Kayden was today his momma was fortuantly / unfortunantly sick today so his grandma was at his house taking care of them . Good thing , cause I have no idea how I would have explained that to her . Also , I have a plan formed of how to avoid this for next time , but like I 'm gonn tell you ! You might break in my house ! The last time I made an embellished onesie it seemed like the needles was tearing little holes in the fabric . It was almost like it was dull or too big . I 've had it in the back of my head ever since then that I wanted to go and get a smaller needle for such projects , but I kept putting it off because I didn 't want to deal with trying to find one for such an old machine and I didn 't want to pay $ 20 ( because that 's how much I assumed they would be without any basis in fact ) and I felt overwhelmed with trying to figure out how to actually do the the switch once I obtained the needle . Plus I just kept forgetting to go to Handcock 's . I finally worked up the nerve today . There was only one choice - standard size . They were cheap - $ 2 . 49 for FOUR needles . And it said clearly on the front " for lightweight fabric " . What ? ! ? ! How in the world did I blow this so out of proportion ? I took my selections up to the lady and started asking her my questions . My first one was to confirm that the needles do in fact go dull . The lady actually laughed at me . She said of course they go dull , she replaces her 's every couple of weeks . Again , I say What ? ! ? ! I must be sewing with a spoon by now . No wonder I had holes . And then I asked if it would be tricky to replace the existing needle . She said all you did was screw it in . Are you kidding ? That 's it ? And she was right . There is a little screw in the side of the needle holder and you just unscrew it , slide the old one out and the new one in , then tighten the screw . Ta da ! I couldn 't believe how dramatic I had made the whole thing in my head . I 'm now equipt with the knowledge of how to replace a possibly too dull sewing machine needle . So have no fear , I will never sew with a spoon again . Posted by So over the weekend I had a major attack of the allergies . If you live in Texas , you kind of can 't avoid it , but this weekend was extra bad . Like Saturday night I only got 1 1 / 2 hours of sleep and went through an entire roll of toilet paper . Today my nose is stopped up , but my energy has yet to kick back in . But did Luke get the memo ? Of course not . At this very moment , as I type , he is doing short bursts of SCREAMING at the top of his lungs from his bed . And he 's been in there for at least 30 minutes . This afternoon I caught him with my box of kleenex 's . He was pulling out a tissue , blowing his nose in it , throwing it down , and getting another . I think he went through about 10 tissues before I got them away from him . You know you 've been blowing your nose a lot when a 20 month old can do it . Did you catch that ? My baby is 20 months old ! I can 't believe in 4 short months I 'll have a 2 year old . Holy moly . Have I really been doing this mom thing for that long ? Am I an old pro yet ? Can you be an old pro with only one kid ? Somehow I feel like I 'm not quite a mom - ish as other moms who have mulitple kids . Like only having one is sissy stuff and the real old pro 's have 3 or 4 kiddos running around . And now I hear my kid let out another scream , and I 'm thinking I 'll stick with the sissy stuff for awhile . Posted by I am a mother to one sweet boy , a lively girl , and a baby girl . We are a small family of four that live to make each other happy and serve our Lord daily . Here is life as I know it . ( and I also tweet @ lindseycarver . A lot . )

It 's foggy . I can barely remember yesterday or the week before . I remember it eventually but it takes more work than it should to remember something that happened not too long ago . My body feels foreign . I am a foreigner in my own body . Nate said I spent most of yesterday , either staring at the wall or laughing while I looked at my hands . Either way , he said that I was unresponsive . So , I really have no idea what the fuck happened to me . Must have zoned out for a long time , didn 't I ? Anyways , I 'm tired as fuck , and hungry . Dammit . Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I missed it . I wanna eat some turkey . Sorry if I made any of you peeps worried . Peeps . Oh , how I love those delicious peeps . With their marshmellowly goodness . So hungry right now . I can 't really remember what I did while I was gone . I walked around for a bit , and sat down for a bit . I think I slept under one of those highway bridges . Kobalos , it has almost been three days and you still haven 't come back . If you 've walked through one of those doors I swear I 'll make you regret it . I punched a monster - child in the face for crying outloud . I 'm probably going to have to give that kid a feast . He must be hungry right now . I am Nate , for the people that don 't know me . It seems that Kobalos has been blogging about his experiences . I also found out about these other " little " creatures . Just what everyone needs . Oh joy . . . Anyways , I would take what Kobalos said with a grain salt . It 's not that he 's a liar , but he tends not to tell the whole truth . Then again , everyone does that , especially whenever they talk about themselves . He didn 't just waltz up to me and introduced himself and then started asking me questions . He is a lot more shyer than that . No , he just mumbled " Hello , " and went to go get a drink of water . It wasn 't until a few hours later , as I was reading some book , out of boredom , that he decided to ask me questions . I 'll wait for him . He 'll come back . He always does . I have quite a few of them . Mental and physical . The Rake only caused a few of the physical . I remember waking up with cuts on my arms . Whenever things got hetic or whenever I couldn 't handle life , I would pick at those cut . I was too weak to take life like a " man " . My life wasn 't that hard . I was just too weak to handle it . And I was ashamed of myself because of how weak I was . An example of me being : my mom would get mad and she would scold me over a misunderstanding . Since I was so weak , I took whatever she said too hard ? , deep ? I . . . she just got mad like every other mom did and she did what she had to do . And there was the other person , but it could have been worse . Besides , I allowed him to do that thing with me . I was too weak to stop him . So I fled . I fled from him , I fled from mom , I fled from life and my feelings . I hid within myself because of how weak I was . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I realized something . I haven 't been writting my dreams down . I should do that . I wonder if my family even noticed that I was gone . I wonder if they are worried sick about me . I wonder if they are happy or sad that I 'm gone . Have they called the police ? Are they waiting for my return home ? Are they even still alive ? No , I mustn 't think that . Once this is all over , I can go home , and we can be happy . Nate can be happy . I was really hoping to go to college . Once this is over , I can go back to school , and the go to college and get a degree . I am sorry if this post seems a bit off . I just very tierd . even my spelling and grammar are going doewnhill . goodnight . ~ there 's some weird show on . goodnight Well , it turns out that there was a huge hole in our previous hotel wall . I mean really big . That would explain the wooden board that was covering a section of the wall in our bathroom . And here I was freaking out , thinking that the Rake somehow teleported himself in our room . It 's a great thing that Nate reminded me of the wooden board . I ran out of the room that night , first I got my stuff . I really need to get my priorities straight . Back to my retelling of what happened that night . Nate was already out of the door . He told me to hurry up before I die . When I got out , he slammed the door shut . I swore I heard it shrieking . It hurt , but it was actually kind of funny . We ran to Nate 's car , got in , and for some reason I could not stop laughing . It was like I was in some absurd , deranged comedy movie . I think some of it was pent up nervousness , but laughing ? Really Kobalos ? Laughing ? I have no idea what I was feeling at that time . My emotions were sort of muted and conflicted . I was feeling , but at the same time I was not . This is confusing me . I think it 's in the bathroom . Or in the closet . Well , we 're getting the fuck outta here . Gonna go get my bag and let 's leave . Nate 's already out the door . I hear something shrieking in the bathroom . I hear loud and clear . Damn that hurts . I should probably leave right now . See ya soon . I went for a walk Friday . I would have written about it yesterday , but I was asleep for most of the day . I 've been sleeping a lot lately . I got lost in thought . I mean I really got lost in thought , to the point where everything around me in a sense disappeared . They were there , but at the same time they weren 't there . I think my mind must have blocked those things out while I was lost in thought . Once out of my thoughts , I found that I have wondered into some people buying / selling drugs . They saw me and started yelling . I must have panicked , whiched caused me to retreat into thought . Their voices were so loud , and yet I didn 't understand a word they said . They walked closer to me , and I ran ? . I got the hell out off there . Next thing I knew , I was at some restaurant , watching the world past by . I think I must have ran into the restaurant , while I was being chased . I remember running , but not where I was going while I was running . I walked around again , looking for some signs . I didn 't asked the waitress what city this was . It must have slipped my mind and when I realized that it was too late . Well , my walk home consisted of me running into some prostitutes . They were nice , but I think one was hitting on me . They helped me out . Nate bought me some candy . He said it 's for last night . I looked out the window today . It was a strange and unfamiliar sight . It still is . The streets are so ( bleak ) full of life . There are people chatting , running , walking , having a great time . The sky looks so grey and the buildings look dull . There is nothing to tell me where I am at . This is a crummy hotel . I think I saw some prostitutes while I was looking out the window . Nate is considering to let me out of the room so I can get fresh air . I hope he lets me out . I write this blog . I believe the correct term is type . Why do I write ? It 's simply a way for me to get my story out . A rememberence thing . I always prefered the written word to the spoken word . With the written , people can always go back and read it . The spoken word can be tempered with , especially by memory . Memory can disort things , make people believe something different happened . No no , that description does not do it justice . People remember things the way they want to . They misinterpeted words . It is much harder to do that with the written word . At least for me it is . Then again , I 've never been good with the spoken word . That was one of the reasons why I felt comfortable with books . I can always go back and read it . They were also my friends when the other kids didn 't want to play with me . I can always pretend with books . Pretend that people actually wanted to spend time with me , and that I was some hero . Doesn 't every kid have these fantasies ? If someone were to tell me their story , I may forget what their story . It is especially frustrating when I never see that person again , and I didn 't get to write their story down as they were telling it . ( I had to write Nate 's story down while he told me it . ) Another reason why I write this blog is so that other people will remember me in some form . I don 't want to be forgotten . When people forget they leave . Always . They always leave . This has got to be the most boring week ever . I did nothing but stay in the hotel and either slept or go on the internet . Nate wouldn 't let me leave the hotel room . He said something about it being " better " this way . Nate , I have school to go to and a family that needs me back . I 'm fucking teenager . I need to go to school to get an education , not running , or whatever the hell we 're doing . Well , I finally got the whole story from Nate . I know what happened to him , and to Destiny . They were close . Very close . He was emotionally cold toward others . Distant . Destiny thought he was interesting , so she approched him . At first , he thought she was annoying ( much like how he viewed me . Thanks for telling me Nate ) but she grew on him . Destiny and Nate often spent their days in an abandon building . Nate was a few years older than Destiny . He was twenty - one , while she was nineteen . Both were attending the same college . And both were in the same classes . Destiny and Nate spent their days in an abandoned building because , as Nate said , they wanted to get away from it all . Especially Nate . He thinks that his childhood probably wasn 't a happy one . He can 't really say , since he can 't remember it . And so she went in , and the Door slammed shut . Nate tried opening the Door , but it wouldn 't budge . As quickly as the door had appeared , it disappeared . Nate just kidnapped me . Yeah . On the bright side , no school work . On the down side , if I go back to school , I have to catch up with all that work . Stopped at some hotel . Have internet now . I 'm going on youtube to watch some videos . Maybe some of those movies . Good thing I had my stuff in my backpack . And by stuff I mean dvds and books . The dvds were in my backpack because I left them there and forgot about them . The books . I like to read . My family . I wonder if they even noticed that I 'm gone . They 're going to be very sad . Maybe I can ask Nate if he could let me go home . I 'm beginning to miss them . Nate , I like you and all , but taking me away from my family is not the way to solve anything . What I mean is , hell . Kidnapping me isn 't going to solve anything . I asked him how he kidnapped me and he said chloroform . He kidnapped me right around four , and it 's six now . He also said I woke up not too long after he used that chloroform , looked at him , and then went right back to sleep . New try . The room is very small , with two beds , a bathroom , and a small kitchen . The carpet has some stains on it , I believe they 're either piss or shit stains . Most likely from an animal , but animals aren 't allowed in this hotel . I think . Now there 's an image in my head of some dude shitting on the floor . Very odd image indeed . I hate . I hate . Hmmm . The words I want to say , what do I want to type ? How my day went ? Great . My friends don 't remember me , so they should just die . Die . Die ? I should just die ? Why have friends ? They 'll just leave me or hate me or die on me . There was the very nice girl and she wanted to play with me . She actually wanted to play with me . Me ! Of all people and she chose me . I was never a popular child . Back then , I guess I can say I was an awkward child . I wonder if that 's why people bully me . Anyway , she saw me sitting in the corner , staring . I didn 't have any friends to play with , so I just retreated into my mind . She came up to me and asked if I wanted to play with her and her friends . I accepted her request , and she help me gain some friends . I was so happy and thankful for that . It wasn 't until a few months later that she died . She fucking died . Mommy and daddy told me she moved away . They all moved away . I found out the truth . They were killed . Murdered . I am happy . Don 't believe me . See , I am smiling and laughing . Oh wait , you can 't see me . Stupid me . Stupid , stupid , stupid me . Can 't do anything right . My friends are forgetting me . They make promises to me , but then forget them . They forget my name , or my face . They forget the things I did with them . They forget to help me when I get picked on . They look at me as if I 'm a stranger . A stranger . Strange . He 's making them forget . And I was so stupid not to realize this . I wrote it off as something else , when in reality , it was Him all along . He is the culprit . For what reason ? Hell if I know . My friend doesn 't remember me . She used to protect me from those bullies . Now she won 't . She sides with them , saying she doesn 't even know me . All memories of me ever being her friend has been erased . I have been forgotten by her . They forgot about me . They left me outside , locked the door on me . I screamed and I screamed , banging the door with my tiny fist until they hurt . That monster was out there , I knew it was . I heard scraping , something talking with a raspy voice . It was coming closer and no one would answer the door for me . I was crying . Telling them to please let me in . They did . I ran into the house . My mom said she thought I was already inside the house . How could she not noticed that I was gone ? My brothers , I think one was laughing . That made me mad , so I went into my room and slammed the door . Mom got mad and started yelling , screeching at me . That just made me cry more . Gramps is here . What the hell ? He shows up after all this time . I 'm at the school library . It has less filters than the cafeteria . Oh shit ! He noticed me . Just say hi , pretend he 's someone you know . Or maybe I can call out " HELP ! HE ' S TRYING TO MOLEST ME ! " That seems to work in the movies . He 's still carrying that dumb book . How many books does he have ? He 's walking around , hunched . He actually looks like some person that makes cookies for his grandchildren . ( I like cookies . Especially chocolate chip cookies . Once I had a roach on my cookie , but I was too hungry to care , so I flicked the roach off and ate my cookie . ) Or one of those people who wander around because they forgot who they were . Dementia . He looks so fragile . Not many people give second thought to a fragile looking old man . He can 't harm anyone . He 's too weak to hurt anyone . It 's a lie . He probably knows it . No one thinks about the weird old man who wanders around libraries . One would think that after watching a movie with an evil person who looked harmless , people would be more on guard . Unfortunately , real life does not work out that way . How sad . I am fine everyone . Very fine . Nate is fine as well . He hasn 't stepped through any doors , and he certainly isn 't dead . I wonder if my school allows blogspot . I should probably check tomorrow . I bring my laptop to school , so at lunchtime , I 'm mostly on it . I usually go on TV Tropes , or I just research random things . Mostly murder cases and such . Anyone remember The Black Dahlia . I looked up her pictures on google image and boy , were they creepy . I 'm surprised the school allowed those images . Anyone ever heard of Boy in the Box . It was a dead boy is some box . I believe he was a victim of child abuse . I had an encyclopedia on unsolved cases . It was a library book , so I had to return it . I am reminded of other abuse cases . Silvia Likens was tortured by her peers and later died of shock . AJ Schwarz died when his step - mom killed him . That boy was brought out of an abusive household and put in a worse situation . I detest abuse . I just loathe it . I think that 's why I want to become an investigator . To help out other people . Although , sometimes I might have to see if a person is being unfaithful , so I may have to tell who ever hired me to not kill their spouse . I don 't want to have a guilty conscious . Went hiking yesterday . It was fun . I like hiking and exploring . There were a lot of trees and shrubs . Even though there were many trees , there was barely any shade . My family and I were trying to get to the top of the hill , but because of how hot it was , we ended up going back . We didn 't even get to reach the top . Dad said we can try again next time . I also visited Nate today , and yesterday as well . I gave him a soda and a bag of chips . I told him about those creatures and what they were . " Those Doors lead to the Empty City . It 's called Empty because if you go in there , you 'll be alone . It 's always changing , so you 'll get lost easily . And it eats its victims . " When I said that , he looked mournful . I continued . " That boy you met is The Cold Boy . He freezes people . Makes ' em freeze to death . " ( Ice Lad seems like a good nickname . ) I visit Nate everyday . I visit him to make sure he doesn 't open a door and go through it . I don 't want to lose anyone . Posted by Nate answered the door yesterday . He looked tired . I mean tired . He had bags under his eyes and his gait was wobbly . He was shaking really bad . He said he was sorry for not answering the door but he has been really busy the past few days . I asked him what and he closed the door on my face . I did the only thing I could do . I waited outside until he came out . N : " All I know is that there are doors appearing and whenever one opens the door there 's this city . This fucking city . How the hell is that even possible ? And Des - " He looked like he was about to say something but he stopped himself . I wonder if something bad happened , so I didn 't push it . I can get that information later . I didn 't answer him . To say I was happy would be a lie . To say I was unhappy is another lie . I just wanted information . That was all that mattered to me . That is all that matters . Information . I like to gather information . No , there are other things that matter . I think . I 'm neither a player ( I do play the game , sometimes , but I wouldn 't call myself a player . I mostly watch the game . ) , nor a proxy . I guess you can call me something else , Dia . If you have any questions , ask and I 'll answer to the best of my abilities . " Sometimes I don 't see it . I can hear it even when I 'm sleeping . One time , I heard a song while I was sleeping . " " You are here because you broke down crying . Right in the middle of the class . She also said that you seemed to be losing your focus and would zone out at any time . And you would fall asleep when you were supposed to be on task . " I can 't remember the rest of the conversation . All I remember was being hurt when my councilor didn 't believe me . No one believed me about that monster , so I was upset . Angry . I wanted her to hurt . I didn 't say anything about it though . I kept it all to myself since I didn 't want to bother people . Things were normal for the next couple of days . One day , I found out that the councilor wasn 't at school any more . I tried asking the teacher , but she wouldn 't answer . She did answer , eventually . Days after the councilor left . She told me that the councilor died . Someone had slit her throat , was what I later found out . Her body had multiple scratches on it . I need . What is it that I need . Sorry , my thoughts seemed to be jumbled . I think I 'm hungry . Having little food is not good , but I 'm use to it . Sometimes , I don 't think I 'm real . Like I 'm a figment of everyone 's imagination . Sometimes , everything just seems so unreal to me . I 'd sit in class , and it would feel like a dream . I detest speaking . What 's the point if nobody can hear me ? Even if I do shout . I prefer writing . Strangely , if it 's an wide open space , people seem to hear me . The only people I normally talk to are my family , and Nate . I haven 't seen him in while though . I hope he didn 't open a door . I plan to visit him tomorrow , and get some more information . I like birds . Just wanted to say that . I mean , they 're fascinating , and they can fly . I always wanted to fly an airplane . One of my dream jobs was to be a fighter jet pilot . Unfortunately , according to cracked . com , that job will soon become unavailable . I use to have a pet budgie , but it died a few years ago . It was soooooo talkative and outgoing . It would also try to eat my apples . Yeah . I got a new one . I went to Nate 's house again yesterday . I meant to go the day before yesterday , but I got distracted by some trivial things . He was out on his porch and he seemed pretty tired . We talked some more . Mostly about how our day was . He had a nice looking door at the side of his house . How could I not notice that door ? It 's design was pretty . I wish I had a door like that . Anyhow , I 'm not opening it . If I were to open it , I know curiosity would get the best of me , and I might do something regrettable . If a door appears , and it wasn 't there before , don 't open it . If the SHADOWS flee from the door , don 't open it , so I 've heard . I told Nate about the door but he said that door just appeared yesterday . Doors keep appearing and disappearing where ever he goes . He 's not opening them either . Nate 's an okay guy . Dresses in what most people would call rags , and he has unkempt hair , but he 's been good so far . I met the man again . This time I was not stalking following him . It was by chance . I was walking around yesterday , like I usually do . We met in front of his house . Now I know where he lives . : D . He asked me if I was following him . I said sort of . I asked him again if he noticed anything strange . He was mostly rambling , but he kept mentioning something about doors and coldness . Actually his whole answer revolved around doors and coldness . If only I can remember his actual words . Curse my auditory forgetfulness and lack of attention when somebody is speaking to me . I just remember him mentioning doors , and not to open them . Also said something about being cold . Then he looked at me and asked me my name . I told him to call me Kobolos . It was either that or Joe John Sebastian . Kobalos was the shortest , albeit odd name . He told me to call him Nate . He also called me pretty damn persistent . I said I 'm just bored . He then asked me if I wanted a drink . I declined . What if he poisoned it ? Then I 'll be dead , or worse . ' Sides , I don 't feel comfortable taking stuff from strangers . Even if they mean well . We talked some more . Mostly how the summer has been . He said his summer has been relatively uneventful . As , has mine . Well , I 'll be going to school in a couple of weeks , so that might ease the boredom . I can 't wait to see my friends . I just remembered that I posses a camera . Too bad there is nothing worth recording at the moment . If I find anything , I 'll post it . I know it 's going to make me sound like a stalker , but I have been following that man around . I believe he knows that I am following him . He always throws these glances at my direction . I have yet to find out where he lives . He left . He looked like he was in a hurry to leave . If only I could talk to him , then maybe I would know what haunts him . I do not know if I would be able to help him out , but at least I can try . Met the man that Gramps talked to . He acted sort of strangely . Oh , we met at the library . I happened to go there a lot . I like libraries . They 're always so quiet and they have a lot of books . Books make me happy . Well , anyways , I talked to the man . He was a bit bewildered that a teenager would be talking to him . I asked him about the old man with the book . He didn 't know what happened , but he said he can 't remember anything from his childhood . Nothing , zip , nada . No matter how much he racked his brains , he can 't find the memories . I remembered one segment that talked about The Minotaur . The man speculated that The Minotaur was just a deformed child whose father sent away . Those children that were sacrificed as food for The Minotaur , well , they died of starvation . Then Theseus slays The Minotaur for sport . I really wanna get Cthulhutech . I also need to get some more books , which reminds me . Borders is closing down . Damn , and I haven 't even used my giftcard . I will order online from them . I guess I would have to shop at Barnes and Noble . Or I could just order from Amazon , but I don 't have the means to . I really want to play Batman Arkham Asylum and Euthanasia . I saw my older brother playing it and thought it looked swell . And , it 's free . Also Ryushiki07th is going to release Higabana : the visual novel sometime in August . Oh , hooray . I have got to get some more of his games . I played the first game and even after knowing what happened to everyone , I almost cried . Then the city falls on hard time and the council and Oedipus , I think , had to find out who killed the king . After some arguments and Oedipus threatening a guy , Oedipus finds out he killed the king . He also finds out that the king was his father . His wife finds out about this as well . Oedipus and her both had children together . Oedipus is her son , mind you . So , she goes into her room and kills herself . Anyways , my day has been fairly normal . I think Gramps ( I 'm going to call him that . It 's short enough for me ) is somewhere else . Haven 't seen him at the library for quite some time . I haven 't seen that person he talked to either . I still remember what that person looks like , so I 'm sure I will recognize him if I saw him . No dreams of The Rake or Gramps ( that was one trippy , geologically messed up , time disorted dream ) , but then again , I did not get that much sleep . All I can remember from my dream is my brother photoshoping lightning balls and somehow those lightning balls appeared . Very colorful . Also some Angel from Evangelion was there and so were Brian and Meg from Family Guy . Well anyway , my school was on a small island . On the mainland was another school that we students had to go to . Think we had to swim there . And for some reason there was a shit load of ants coming out from a pipe , which I believed was from the kitchen . None of us took notice of it as it was quite natural , apparently . I think they were fire ants . ( I used to have an infestation of those bastards . Have thirty or more bites on me at a time . ) We had to solve some sort of mystery about where our cook was . Found out he was just chillin on the beach . I think he gave us some food . Then it was time for us to go back to mainland school . My next class was English . I then remembered that I didn 't finish my English assignment . It was either skip or suck it up . I chose to suck it up and go to class . Our teacher was that old man . He had that book open on his desk and he was writing in it . His sunglasses were nowhere to be seen . The class was pretty accepting of this man , ( if you can call him that ) with no eyes . Still better then the original teacher we all figured . Hopefully he didn 't know about the assignment . He did . I had to turn it an unfinished paper . Despite having no eyes , his handwriting was remarkably better than my own . Mine , I don 't think I was even writing that time . It was just scribbles . I told my mom the next day and she said to stop making up such nonsenses . Monsters don 't exist . She said I was just trying to get attention like I always do . One day I woke up to find that one of our cats was torn to pieces . I told my parents that the monster did it , but they did not believe me . They thought that some teenager or dog must have killed the cat . Not some made up monster . He , that man , let me start from the beginning . I got curious . I wanted to see that book . The old man left it on a table . I opened it . Names , there were names in that book and beneath those name stories . I skimmed through it , but I felt a presence behind me . I turned around , still holding that book , and saw the old man staring at me . How long had he been there ? I don 't know . He could have been there ever since I opened that book . Then why didn 't he tell me to stop ? I thought he was going to hit me , yell at me for doing something that I shouldn 't do , so I panicked . I threw up my hands to protect myself but my hand must have hit his sunglasses . That man , where his eyes should be were holes . Just holes . He had no eyes and yet he was looking at me . He smiled . I gave him his book back . I gave him his sunglasses . No eyes . That thing had eyes . Pitch black eyes and it would always stare at me and I would always hide underneath my blankets so that monster won 't get me . I tried telling mommy about that monster but she told me it 's not real . She didn 't believe me . My dad told me it was my imagination . I tried telling him about the voice , the words of the beast , but he said it could have been the radio . No , mustn 't think about that thing . If I don 't think about it . . . Who am I kidding ? Ignoring my problem is not going to solve it . But how ? I am at the library again . That old man isn 't there . Maybe he 'll come here later . I did arrive rather early . Let me tell you about my days so far . I slept , ate , read , and drank - nonalcoholic beverages . That 's pretty what my life is like . Sometimes I would go out for a walk with my brother , just to get some exercise . I also clean the place , whenever I 'm told to . That 's pretty much what I do on a regular bases . Sad , I know . I 'm looking for a job so I can have some money . Money is a necessity , I really need some . Since I am almost an adult , I need to learn how to get a job . I also need to stop procrastinating on things just because I don 't want to do them . I had a dream last night . I can only remember snippets of it . Something about our car turning into a plane , being late for school and trying to catch the bus , that sort of dream . You know the dreams you have where you are someplace doing one thing then you somehow magically end up in another place doing something else . That 's how my dreams are most of the time . I remember this one part pretty damn clearly though . There was this room , a house maybe . Blood splatter was on the wall . Bloodied writing was on the wall . They all told about getting out or some such . I remember there was this guy who would take women to that house ( I don 't know if he drugged and kidnapped them , or tricked them into going there ) and he would torture them . It made me afraid of being alone , because what if that man got me but no one was there to save me . I was actually thinking that in my dreams . It was in the woods . The house was . For some reason my dream played like a news report , showing the pictures of the torture equipment and those rooms . That thing is still hunting my dreams . For some reason I 'm a child in my dreams . I always cry in my dreams . I 'm terrified that the thing would hurt me , and no one would know until it 's too late . It always told me things . I never understood it . Then it would leave and I 'd wake up , on the floor instead of a bed . We went to Mr . Gattis . I won the least tickets - 360 total . It 's more than I usually make , which is about 20 tickets . I am that horrible at the games . Everyone else won about 1 , 000 . My prize I chose was a skull ball , but I lost it . I 'm currently at the library now . No sign of the old man anywhere . I think he might have left already . Oh well , I can always try next week . I cannot wait until tomorrow . I 'm going to a party with my younger brother . Then I can eat and play a some games . It 'll be fun . Yes , so very fun . I can 't remember last night 's dream . I don 't think I want to remember , except for the fun stuff . Those parts are good to remember . No , I won 't try to remember that creature watching me in that pitch black room . I can 't see it but I know it 's there . No , I 'll try to remember that comfy bed instead . With its big blanket that I can hide under so that creature won 't get me . I 'll remember the warmth of the blanket and not the words of that creature . Oh , remember when I wrote that the library was the only time I got internet connection . What I meant by that was , only one person at my home can use the internet . My older brother is on it most of the time , so my younger brother and I go to the library to get internet connection . I really got to stop procrastinating . I 've stopped reading the book for English Class because I 'm just not into it . I 'm basically having to drag myself along . It really is a pain to read . There are some good parts in the book though . I think most of the problem lies within the fact that I was already reading another book , but chose to stop reading to start reading the one for English . I have to finish that book before August 19 . I 'm one - third done . I also have to write about some passages that relate to a character of my choosing . I need to start on that . I haven 't been to the library , sadly . Not enough gas to get there . I sort of wanted to go , not just to get unlimited internet , but to see that old man again . I don 't know why . I think it may be because of that book he was carrying . I want to know what 's in it . I want to know what 's so special about it . I just want to know . Other news : I had a strange dream involving the Agents of Cracked . I was looking up porn in my dream , but had left my computer , only to find Swaim on it when I got back . It ended up with us talking about porn and ignoring DOB . As the title stated , I am hungry . I only ate a scone today . I probably won 't eat much later , considering the lack of good food in my house . On the flip side , you know that old man I recently wrote about . Well , he 's been staring in my direction for a while now . In fact , I don 't think he ever read to any children . I saw him wandering around the library , with that big book tucked under his arms , and talking to some people about stuff . I don 't know what , for I was too busy listening to music , but the other person got this strange look in his eye . That happens to me tons of times . I would be lost in thought , staring , and then I 'd realized that I have been staring at someone . Very awkward . Just got back from church . It was meh , as always . Right now , I 'm at the library . I only have internet connection when I 'm at the library . Went to my grandmother 's house yesterday and had dinner . Then I slept , and read a book . I have to read that book for English . Sucks . There 's a weird old man at the library . He looks like he can be somebody 's grandpa . I can 't see his eyes , though . He is wearing sunglasses . Who the hell wears sunglasses in the the library ? Oh well . He 's also carrying this big book . He must be reading to the children . How sweet . I can 't remember last night 's dream . I think it had something to do with zombies . Most of my dreams have zombies . They also have me losing my eyesight , but that 's a different story . I remember this dream I had as young child . In it , everyone around me were naked . It wasn 't the nudity that unnerved me . No , it was when they got close to me with their outstretched arms . That was when things got freaky to say the least , for when they got close to me , parts of their body would explode and blood would be everywhere . I remember that my mom 's head exploded while she tried to hug me . Right in front of my very eyes , and yet , she was still walking . Well , that 's the extent of my dream . Another dream I had involved a stalker , or stalkers . Two of the most current dreams I had , well I 'll describe the first one . There was this woman , she would help out these lost girls . Turns out she was actually manipulating them . The girls would tear out their own flesh , sometimes they would tear out each others . I remember one girl was missing her part of her midsection , her organs were showing , and she was sliding on her stomach , like one of those slip and slides with water , only she was using her own blood . The girls were happy that somebody was paying attention to them . Next thing I knew , I ended up in that woman 's class . I got the hell out of there , jumped down to the first floor ( the place was like some sort of mall - college hybrid ) and ran . The other one took place in a room . It was pitch black , I could not see a thing , but I heard something . Something was watching me and I couldn 't see it . I didn 't want to see it . I pretended to be asleep in my dream , so that creature would not get me . I think it was trying to say something , but I couldn 't understand it , then I woke up . I felt envy towards my dream - self , because I sleep on the floor . Dream - self had a bed . I won 't give out my real name , for safety reasons . I am still a teenager . I am interested in becoming either an architect , doctor , or investigator . If you were to see me in real life , you probably would not think much of me , since I rarely talk . People are always surprised to hear me say just one sentence . I blame shyness , and the fact that I 'm just not much of a talker . I can write pages and pages on a subject that interest me , but struggle just to describe it to a person . Really sucks when the teacher wants me to describe my thoughts or feelings . Feelings are a tough one for me because of the fact that I don 't know what I am feeling . The emotions are always vague . I chose this name for my blog because I really liked Oedipus Rex . Since Oedipus 's mother makes an appearance in the House of Death , I put it in my title as well . You see , I 'm a fan of mythology , especially Greek Mythology . Read lots and lots of books about it when I was little .

Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on November 30 , 2011 In unrelated news , I came across this video from my fellow blogger , http : / / www . ty - curious . com / . He shared it with me , and I think it 's spectacular . Totally safe for work ! Hope you like it ! Take the time to check out his blog too . Great guy ! He described his drunken night involving too much Patron and a lost iPhone . He hadn 't had a chance to track it down , so I offered my assistance to make some phone calls for him . He was grateful , but had it under control . While he described his night , I described my time out in the sticks with no power or technology . " Yeah … It was a real Amish paradise , " I said . Once again , I had to facilitate plans with him . He typed , " Okay . Off to go get food . I 'm starved . " I quickly replied , " What are you doing later ? " I knew it would be difficult getting ahold of him the second he signed off for the day . It 'd been a while since I 'd seen him , and I was anxious to do so . " No plans , although I may go back to the bar tonight for a Halloween thing , " he declared . I wish he had the same desire to see me to invite me without provocation , but I 'll take what I can get . " Wanna try to get together later ? " I asked . " Jump on the bike and come over and have brunch with me , " he finally stated . I explained the bike was snowed in with a dead battery , but I told him I 'd meet him for brunch . I quickly made my way into the city to meet him at the Christopher Street PATH station . I arrived well before him and waited for him to show . I couldn 't call to find out what was keeping him , so I tried to occupy myself with my phone . When he finally arrived , I wasn 't greeted with a kiss . I could have initiated the situation myself , but again , I was still in the mindset to play a little hard - to - get . We walked to a nice brunch spot neither of us have tried before , Barbuto . It was great . We got a nice seat next to the kitchen , which in most situations is a bad thing , but in this case , was entertaining . Smiles ordered a beer after wavering between that and a bloody mary to help cure his hangover , and I ordered a glass of red wine . We took the time waiting for the food to arrive to catch up with each other . He was a little quiet , but I had plenty of stories to tell from my time home . We talked a bit about his family as well , and I started to get a better picture of the dynamic going on there . Our food arrived , and we were both very pleased with the results . After we paid our tab , we decided to walk around a bit since the weather was so gorgeous . We walked to Doma Coffee Shop to grab coffees while we walked around . We had no plan for our day . After we grabbed caffeine , he turned to me and asked what I wanted to do . I told him I was just happy to be out , and it didn 't matter to me what we did . We started to walk around aimlessly . When we came upon Pleasure Chest sex shop , he suggested we pop in . This wasn 't the first time walking into a sex shop with him . I was game . We spent the rest of the afternoon walking around SoHo looking for hats to replace the one he lost . I was happy to spend the day with him . We did some shopping for other things while we searched for hats . While I was checking out to pay for the flannel shirt I picked up , I could see in his eyes he was exhausted . He was fading fast . He suggested we go back to his place to take a nap . I myself wasn 't feeling very sleepy , but I rather liked the idea of napping with him . We got back to his place and climbed into bed . I put on my new flannel and got comfortable . Surprisingly , I passed out rather quickly . He , on the other hand had a hard time falling asleep . Warning : The following may be too graphic for some . After about an hour , we were both awake . He turned to face away from me , so I decided to make a move . I engulfed him in my arms and spooned with him . After some time passed , I gently began caressing him all over and slid my hand between his thighs . I began massaging him until he turned his head back to kiss me . It was on - FINALLY ! Things only got more passionate from there . It wasn 't long before he pulled out a condom , put it on me , and climbed on top . I was finally getting my turn as top dog ( even though I was on the bottom ) . The sex was good , and I enjoyed having sex facing him with the lights on . However , once again , he finished , and I wasn 't able to . Embarrassment came flooding in . I was very attracted to him , and I enjoyed the sex , but something underlying wasn 't allowing me to relax and fully enjoy the moment . I was very close , but I just couldn 't get over that last hump ( no pun intended ) . This wasn 't the first time this happened , but it certainly didn 't make it any easier to deal with . After sex , we both showered and cleaned up . He had plans to meet friends at his favorite restaurant to say goodbye to a bartender friend who was leaving for another restaurant . I was a little curious why he didn 't extend an invitation , but I didn 't want to dwell on it . We made some progress , and I wanted to concentrate on the positive . I was doing my best to play hard - to - get , but I really liked him . I wanted this to continue . I wanted to get to know him more . I wanted to be closer to him physically . I wanted him . When he got back from the bar , he messaged again to tell me he had no luck . I felt bad for him , but selfishly , all I could think about was how hard it was going to be to get ahold of him without a phone . The next couple of days would pose an interesting challenge . There was already no chance Smiles and I would see each other . However , we did get to chat on the phone briefly . He had to do work with his film , and I would be working until the wee hours of the morning to finalize the content for the pitch . I didn 't end up leaving my office until 1 : 30am . I really wanted to see him Tuesday . I wasn 't going to be around the rest of the week , and whenever I have a long work pitch or long work trip , I look forward to decompressing with a sexy guy , even if it doesn 't involve sex . I asked him if we could do something , but he already made plans . I was heading home Wednesday for my grandfather 's funeral . It was going to be a while before I got to see him again , and I was really disappointed . Things were really getting strained between us , at least on my end . We weren 't having sex as often as I 'd like , and I was constantly on a roller - coaster of emotions . Smiles would pay a lot of attention to me and make me feel great , and then retract and shy away from me . I didn 't know how much more I could take it . I decided I was going to play hard - to - get . I wasn 't going to text or call at all . If he still wanted to see me , he was going to have to put in the effort . I was at my emotional breaking point . This was no easy task for me . I struggled with it . I carried my phone with me everywhere I went in case he tried to call or text , but it was silent . Part of me wondered if he thought it was a very personal family time , and he just didn 't want to bother me . But , the bigger part of me thought he had other things with which he was preoccupied . Finally , Thursday he texted me to see how I was doing . It was progress . He was texting to check up on me , and I appreciated it . I texted him back after some time passed . When Friday came about , he called and left a message . It was impeccable timing . I was just about to walk into the funeral parlor when my phone began ringing . After the viewing , I stepped out from the family gathering and called him back . We had a nice conversation . The following day , I went to the funeral . Afterwards , I came home . I have awful cell service at my parents ' house . I finally managed to get signal by using the Wi - Fi . Ironically , right after I texted him , we lost power in the snow storm , so if he responded , I couldn 't read it if I tried . I was home with no power , no internet , no phone and no TV . It had snowed about a foot outside , so we were trapped . On top of it , I was missing the Halloween festivities with my friends back in Hoboken . I wasn 't heartbroken about that , but I was disappointed . Instead , I spent the day shaking snow off trees so the branches wouldn 't break . I was really feeling ignored overall by Smiles . The time away wasn 't a good thing for me . It was making me realize how little attention he was paying to me . I started to think about some of the other prospects I had spoken to . I could have pursued LES , but he was young and lived in an inconvenient part of town . There were a few guys who were still sending me messages on OKCupid . While I wasn 't seeking out anyone new , I maintained communication with them . I was now beginning to think about them as prospects . All I knew was I deserved better . Was I just jumping the gun ? Was it still early with him ? I personally thought we should have been over that hump , and if he was interested in me , he 'd want to spend more time with me . When Sunday arrived , my sister and I made our way back to Hoboken . It was a bit of an adventure with the snowfall and trees laying across the road . Once I got back to Hoboken , I hopped on Facebook . Smiles messaged me , and I learned he lost his phone . He told me about going out for Halloween and how he lost it . We made plans to grab brunch , and I made my way into the city . I didn 't forget about the lack of attention he paid me , but I tried to concentrate on the moment at hand . I was going to proceed with skeptical optimism . It was the only way I was going to keep my sanity . The day was long and arduous . Many of my coworkers were dragging their feet , and it was all I could do to light a fire under their asses . I was trying to be as time efficient as possible , but it was no use unless everyone else was onboard . When I didn 't think my day could get any worse , my mother called to tell me my grandfather passed away . I was expecting the news , but I had no idea when the call would come . He had very advanced cancer , so it was only a matter of time . I know he was more than ready to go , at times basically asking the hospital to give him the " black pill , " but no one likes to see a loved one go . I soldiered on through my day not mentioning it to anyone until I was about to leave . I needed to tell my boss I would out at the end of the week to go home for the funeral . He was very sympathetic and supportive . Really , after such a long day at the office , I wanted nothing more than to see Smiles . He could make me happy , no matter what physical state I was in . I hadn 't seen him since Friday night , and I didn 't get to spend the night in his apartment . I was itching for more time with him . When I was nearing the end of my workday , I texted Smiles to ask him if he wanted to grab dinner . After some time passed , he responded apologizing , " Ah shoot ! Just seeing this now . I ordered pizza and I 'm starring at the mess I have to clean up here . " I was a little disappointed , but I wasn 't giving up that easily . " Mind a little company for an hour or so ? Not going to be around this week really … " I texted . We had a very big pitch coming up that week , and I knew I would be working late most nights . This was my last stitch effort to see him for a while . He replied , " Come eat this pizza and hang out . It 's not like the mess is going to get any worse . " This was my first time venturing to his apartment . I knew the general neighborhood , but not the exact location . After work , I took a cab to his apartment . I was very excited to see him and happy I was finally getting the invite to his place , even if I had to invite myself . His apartment was not what I expected other than the mess he was describing . He was in the process of moving and office worth of things into a storage unit . I didn 't care about any of that . I just wanted to cuddle up next to him in bed . He offered me pizza , but I explained I already ate . He suggested we watch a movie , and I agreed . We went into his bedroom and chatted while he picked a movie . I told him about my grandfather , and he lent me his sympathetic ear . We 'd already talked about how he was ready to go when we discussed religion at his birthday lunch , so he was already quite versed in the situation . In the meantime , he selected All Good Things while I snuggled up next to him . I have a thing with constantly petting guys I date . I don 't know why , but I just crave the physical connection . I was constantly stroking him gently with my finger tips throughout the movie , switching my hand positions periodically . It was all I could do to refrain from jumping his bones . It wasn 't the most romantic movie of the year , but I 'd already seen it and had sex on the brain . It 'd been a while since we last had sex , and I wanted more . Sadly , that wouldn 't happen once again . When the movie ended , it was 11 : 00pm . He gently hinted at my departure , even going to the bathroom to brush his teeth . Yet another sexless night . I was really beginning to wonder why he didn 't want to have sex with me . I wondered if it was my issues coming between us or if he wasn 't attracted to me . He never gave me any compliments about my body even thought I made a point of complimenting his . Maybe he just didn 't find me attractive . Regardless , I gave him a kiss goodnight and walked all the way back to the PATH station to head back to Hoboken . The whole walk , thoughts flew through my head like lightning . I was hurt and worried . Hard to admit , but I almost wanted to cry . That wouldn 't be the worst part of my night however . In the middle of the night I was woken by violent stomach cramps . I ran to the bathroom and destroyed my toilet . At times , I had to debate which end was more priority to face the toilet . I got almost no sleep and had a full day of work ahead of me . There was no way I could take a sick day . In the morning I was greeted with a text from Smiles : " Maybe a stomach flu ? Up all night with cramps and still hurting 😦 . " I finally nailed the source . I caught some bug from him . " I shared your pain ! Still sharing … Was trying to figure out what I could have eaten yesterday … And I have to work all day today … 😦 , " I responded . To which he replied , " This is the worst ! " Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on November 23 , 2011 After being rejected yet again by Smiles , I became quite depressed about my situation . The guy I was dating just didn 't seem all that interested in me . I was always chasing him , but it never seemed to go the other way . I needed to do something to distract myself . One was headed to the car dealership to pick up some paperwork for his new car . He invited me to tag along , and I jumped at the opportunity . Anything to get me out of the apartment and distracted from my own misery was welcome . We drove around for a while and the distraction was working for the most part , but my mind would periodically wander back to thoughts of Smiles . I knew he was at Six Flags , but had no idea who he was with . I was a little suspect , but I definitely needed to get out of that mentality . I WAS NOT going to have a repeat of the N situation ! While at the dealership , I got a text from one of my other friends who wanted to go to the mall . I told him I 'd go as soon as I got back to Hoboken from the dealership . We drove back , and I switched cars . The mall proved to be a decent distraction . I didn 't need to buy anything , but shopping and browsing gave me something to concentrate on . I tried to be a good friend and help my buddy pick out new clothes , but he 's not the easiest to shop with . While walking around , my new friend in the city ( we 'll call him LES for Lower East Side from here on out ) texted back . He wasn 't doing anything and was looking to do a little day drinking . I told him I would join him , but I was at the mall . " People still do that ? " he responded . I showered and changed and made my way into the city . We met up at the 14th Street PATH station and walked down to the Village . I knew of a few fun bars near the NYU campus I thought we could hit up . I was forcing LES to get out of the Lower East Side and start venturing west . As we walked , we swapped a few fun stories . The first bar we went to was Off The Wagon , and staple in my old bar routine . We grabbed beers and chatted . After some time , LES proposed we do shots of Jäger . Jägermeister always gets me in trouble cause I get crazy , but I obliged . After Off the Wagon , LES wanted to go to a gay bar . The problem is , I don 't know where any of them are , and he was in a neighborhood he was not familiar with . I know there are a fair amount on Christopher Street , so we headed in that direction . We came upon a few gay bars , but they all seemed to be packed with daddies and bears . Neither of us were thrilled with the clientele so we continued on . The good news was we were heading towards the Standard the whole time . We passed Employees Only , the bar I met Smiles in , and decided to stop in . LES was intrigued by its mysterious look . From the outside , it looks like a psychic 's parlor , not a bar - This is done on purpose . Being there made me think of Smiles , but I was really enjoying my time with LES . There was no drama , and we were having a lot of fun . After grabbing one drink there , we started to make our way into Chelsea . LES wanted to stop into Gym , a slightly clubbish gay bar . He hit up the bar to grab us drinks , and I made my way to the restrooms . When I returned , he had four gigantic shots of Jäger waiting for us . I asked he what he was trying to do , and he explained there was a credit card minimum . He tried to give two of the shots away , but no one was interested . We each threw back two , and I prepared for a crazy night . LES wasn 't thrilled with the scene , so he proposed we move on . It was time to hit up the Standard Biergarten , so we walked the last few blocks and bought our beer tickets . We found LES 's roommates and friends and made our way to the ping - pong table with our large beers . I liked his friends , and it appeared they all really liked me . We played a bit and had a really good time . The Standard also reminded me of Smiles , but I was having too good of a time to get depressed about it . LES was doing a great job of keeping me in the present . Shortly after arriving , a strange black man came up to us wearing a letterman 's jacket and started talking to LES . It appeared LES made a new friend . We chatted with him about his jacket and took pictures with him . Apparently it was this guy 's birthday , and he was there alone . LES felt bad for him and bought him a beer , but I knew this guy was a stage - five clinger . He wasn 't gay ( wedding ring ) and wasn 't hitting on LES , but I could tell he was lonely and needed friends . I didn 't want to get stuck with him for the night . Somehow , LES managed to ditch him . At one point , we discovered a photo booth near the restrooms . I told LES we had to hop in and take pix . We took some of the pumpkins that were lying around in with us and had a blast . After all that drinking and not eating , I was starving . I wasn 't the only one . We all came up with a plan to distract the baker and steal one of the large soft pretzels they sell there . Everyone had a role , and we executed the plan flawlessly . I was having a lot of fun . I felt like I was back in college again , mainly because I was hanging out with a lot of fresh college graduates . We scarfed down that pretzel like a pack of hyenas over a fresh kill and washed it down with yet another beer . While we ate , LES turned to me and said , " So , what 's the deal with this other guy ? " I explained how we 'd been dating for some time , but was honest about the uncertainty . I told him about Six Flags , and LES immediately replied , " You need to drop him ! " I have a feeling he had ulterior motives , but maybe he was just looking out for me . It was flattering for him to ask about the " other guy . " I took that to show he was interested in me . I was drunk . All the Jäger and all the beer finally caught up with me . LES was ready to go and proposed we head back to his place and smoke . We took a cab to his apartment and smoked while we watched an episode of Archer . All of a sudden , I felt incredibly nauseous . LES looked at me and suggested we go for a walk outside because I had " pukey face . " I knew I did , so I agreed . I know myself , and I knew I would never give up to the urge to puke in his apartment . But , I also hoped the fresh air would help make me feel better . It did . LES was happy , and we went back inside . It was around 2 : 00am , so LES invited me to just spend the night , and I climbed into his bed . I wanted to make out with him . It was all I could do to fight the urge to make out . I was drunk and not of sane mind , but I managed to realize how messed up that would be . As mad as I was about the Smiles situation , I still really liked him . I couldn 't lead LES on like that . He was too nice of a guy , and I liked him too much to do that to him . As much as I wanted to get at it , I behaved . Not a thing transpired the entire night . When I woke early in the morning , I needed to make a quick exit . I had to get into work that Sunday morning , but there was no way I could go into work in the condition I was . I said goodbye , walked all the way across town to the PATH and went home to shower and change . This meant I had time to kill after work . My good friend A asked me to grab happy hour drinks with her . She recently moved our of Hoboken into the city with her boyfriend , so I was already seeing a lot less of her . We were due for a catch - up . She picked a place in the Flatiron District that 's known for their happy hour . We cozied up to a spot at the bar and chatted about our new situations . It had been a while since I caught her up on the status between Smiles and I . I took her for a ride on the roller - coaster ride of emotions I 'd been through . She gave me advice on how I should proceed and things I should watch out for . After five years , she knows me quite well and can predict a lot about me , so I 've come to listen intently to what she says . She also took the time to talk about the new challenges she faced moving in with her boyfriend . I tried to give her my two cents for what it was worth . My biggest advice to her was to pick her battles . On the things she could let go , she should , but on the things she really cared about , she should make a stink . That way , he would realize with more poignancy when he was doing things that got under her skin . In the middle of our conversation , Smiles called to discuss dinner . He chose a place about two blocks from where we were drinking , and we agreed to meet in a half hour . When the time came , and A and I had our fill of cocktails , we walked to the restaurant Smiles chose . I coerced her into coming along to meet him since none of my friends had the opportunity yet . I introduced them to each other , and Smiles invited her to join us for dinner . A had plans to meet her boyfriend for dinner , and I could tell she was looking for a quick exit , so she agreed to sit with us for a few minutes . She was already running late . I appreciated her making the extra effort , and gave her the out she needed . I told her to get on her way . After she left , the conversation with Smiles was slightly forced and awkward . I was having a hard time breaking through and there were periods of silence . I learned he was feeling very sick and his stomach was bothering him . He had issues with his appendix , and it was inflamed and bothering him again . Now , I was worried . I genuinely cared for him and my paternal instincts kicked in . I was worried for his safety and said , " Don 't be a hero on me here . If you aren 't feeling well , we can go at any time . Don 't soldier on on my account . " The rest of the meal was pleasant , but quiet . I reached my hand under the table to rub his knee to try to make a better connection while we chatted . That , and I was still worried about his condition . When we finished dinner and desert , we had some time to kill . Smiles walked around the neighborhood looking for a massage parlor ( legit , not sexual ) in which to kill time before the birthday party . We couldn 't find one still open to take advantage of , so we hopped in a cab and made our way to the party . When we arrived at the party , I was slightly overwhelmed by the crowd . I 'd never been to a party so heavily skewed male in my life . I learned the birthday boy was gay , which answered a lot of questions for me . We found a comfortable spot to plant ourselves and each grabbed a drink and something to nosh on . We made a friend and chatted with him a bit . He was an extremely jacked and cut black man who is an interior decorator . It was interesting hearing him talk about his occupation , all while looking at someone who looked like a personal trainer . Both their eyes focused on me . The pressure was on . I didn 't know what answer Smiles was looking for , but I saw this as an opportunity to gauge his reaction . I tilted my head slightly to the side nodding and said , " Yeah . " Our new friend called attention to and questioned my head tilt heavily . I pointed out we didn 't know each other all that long . I still look back and wonder if Smiles was actually looking for me to say yes . I still wonder if he was being distant because he thought I wasn 't fully invested in our budding relationship . Of course I wanted to say yes , we were dating , but I didn 't know where his head was at the time . I didn 't want to scare him off by being overzealous . We were nearing the time to head out for the night , but I needed to use the facilities first . That was particularly a challenge because the bathroom was being used by a few to sign a birthday book photo album . Finally , I gave up and assumed I could go when I got back to Smiles ' apartment . We went downstairs and hopped in a shared cab with one of the female guests from the party . As we progressed , I learned I would not be going back to Smiles ' apartment . My destination was the PATH to go home . I was slightly shocked and annoyed . It was a Friday night . Why wasn 't I being invited back to his place . I know I 'd never been there before , but this was a bit ridiculous . It was around midnight , and I was dreading my trek back to Hoboken . He hopped out of the cab with me . We said goodbye on the street with a quick kiss , and I was on my way home . I 'm not gonna lie . I was hurt . I felt rejected . There was only so much rejection I could take . As I walked , I pulled out my phone . I called Boston , but of course , he was still ignoring my calls . I left him yet another voicemail . I also called my new friend to see what he 's been up to . No answer either . Finally , I texted the Principal . It 'd been a while since we chatted , so I thought I 'd given him enough space . We began texting , but I told him I 'd have to continue the conversation on the other side of the river . While waiting for the PATH , I nearly p * ssed my pants . The train going into the city dropped off a tranny who felt the need to flirtatiously wave at me and say hi . When it finally arrived , I leaned my back against the wall and closed me eyes to concentrate on something other than my bladder . Two women were in front of me on the crowded train , and around a turn , one fell into me . They started arguing with each other and engaged me in conversation . Though not stated outright , I learned they were a lesbian couple , and they were hot . We had a long conversation , and when we arrived at the Hoboken stop , they invited me to come hang out with them . They had no idea my preferences fall in the men category , and they were inviting me back to their place . I used my bladder as an excuse and said goodbye . It was early enough , but I was not in the mood to play . While speed walking home , a very large black girl grabbed my arm , pulled me towards her , and shouted , " TAKE ME HOME WITH YOU ! " I ripped my arm free and continued to walk home , all the while texting with the Principal . I was flirting slightly , but not to the point of crossing the line with him . I missed talking to him and our flirtations . I really did like the guy , but the distance was still killer . When I got home , I relieved myself and hopped into bed . I was disappointed I was there alone , but I opened up a whole new can of worms with the Principal . He still wasn 't over me , and I just scratched open that scab again . I even went as far as to pull up Grindr again for the first time in over a month . Furthermore , I wouldn 't be seeing Smiles the following day . Originally I was planning to go to a horse race in New Jersey and invited him to join . When the day was approaching I was no longer interested in going and sold my ticket . I was hoping to spend the day with Smiles , but I learned he was going to Six Flags with friends - without me . I understand he has a life of his own , and I don 't have to spend every waking moment with him . But at this stage in our relationship , I wanted to spend more and more time with him . I certainly would have invited him on a fun trip such as the one he was going on . Apparently , he didn 't feel as strongly for me . A clearer picture was being painted for me . Maybe he just wasn 't that into me . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on November 21 , 2011 My weekend with Smiles was a decent one . I 'm not self - destructive , nor do I get in my own way enough to think it was a failure or a bad weekend . Any time I spendt with him was progress , and it made me happy . But , I left the weekend feeling a little uneasy . I was denied twice in two days . Did he not find me attractive ? Was he just thinking of me as a friend ? Not knowing where I stood was eating away at me . It 's obvious he was interested in me . But , it was his level of interest that worried me . We were in the beginnings of a budding relationship , or so I hoped . Things were supposed to be carefree and fun . The heavy stuff comes later . We should have been having sex like rabbits and dying to see each other . I felt like I was constantly chasing after him . I got no indication he was interested in chasing me . But , maybe I wasn 't giving him the opportunity . Maybe I got so excited about him , I was constantly initiating our time together , and if given the chance , he would be asking me out on dates . On Monday evening I texted him to see if I could spice things up with a little getaway . " Hey . What would you say to getting out of the city for a weekend ? … Celebrate your birthday , just the 2 of us … Something totally low - key and relaxing like New Paltz , NY . Gorgeous this time of year too and not that far … " I thought if we hit up a bed and breakfast , we could find the time to get wrapped up in each other with no other distractions . A big part of me thought this was a giant leap forward , and I was moving too soon , but another part of me noticed a little bit of stagnation . Things were getting a little stale . Maybe I needed to intervene to get us to that happy - go - lucky mindset . Just as I expected , he safely replied , " Hmmm that sounds like fun , can I think on that one for a min ? I 'd want to be able to give you my full attention and I think with [ work ] this weekend , the [ possibility of a new prospective work project ] starting and the over two jobs with a bit of clock on them , I might not be totally present . Which wouldn 't be fair . " I was right . Too soon , too fast . I didn 't want to cower and backtrack . I had to play it cool . " Certainly . Wasn 't exactly talking about this weekend . Was more thinking 3 + weekend out . Just wanted to throw it out on your radar , " I replied . I wasn 't lying . I was really just planning in advance . I decided to take some advice from friends and play a little hard to get . I stopped texting or calling . The next point of contact was going to be initiated by him . It killed me . I wanted to text so bad . I never went anywhere without my phone , waiting for him to text or call . Tuesday went by without a word . I was in a bad place . I started having doubts about the whole thing . We were only a couple of weeks in , and he already grew tired of me . These weren 't good signs , and I started to really get down about it . I decided , I wasn 't going to put myself back out there completely , but I was going to continue to put my ear to the ground to see what was going on out there . I started answering my messaged on OKCupid and chatting with a few guys . It was nothing crossing the line , but in a way , I was laying some groundwork if Smiles decided he was done with me . Finally , on Wednesday , he texted me to ask me how my day was going . The exchange went back and forth a bit before simmering out . I was thrilled - Back on top . I recognized how happy I was , but I also recognized how dependent I am on others for my own happiness . This is an issue . I really need to learn to be more independent . It 's not healthy to need other people to that extent . In our exchange , he invited me to come with him to a bar to watch a friend 's band the following night . I reminded him I had volleyball on Thursdays and couldn 't go . I really wanted to go , but another part of me was happy I had to turn him down . I have a tendency to drop everything for men I 'm interested in . I needed to show I was independent as well . Thursday went by , and we didn 't talk to each other during the day . On my way to volleyball , I texted him : " Thinkin ' bout you 🙂 . " He responded , " Good luck at your game ! " It was nice he remembered I had a game . He was showing a vested interest in my life , which is always a good sign . After volleyball , we texted a bit . He told me about how he didn 't get the project he was counting on for work . I knew it meant a lot to him , so I tried to console him as best I could . I knew he would be depressed for a few days as a result because he was really looking forward to it . I called him , and we spoke on the phone . I also took the opportunity to ask if I would get to see him Friday night . It appeared things were back on the upswing , at least emotionally for me . The question remained . Would we continue moving up , or was it only a matter of time before things started sinking again ? … During the whole ride , I had a lot of time to think . For me , this is deadly . When I have time to think , I crawl up into my own head and start digging around where I shouldn 't be digging - This is why I lead such an active lifestyle . Thinking depresses me . A lot of thoughts about Smiles were going through my head . I was a little hurt and upset my advances were rejected in the morning . I also was very disappointed I didn 't get to grab brunch with him . Overall , I guess you could technically deem the weekend with him a success , but I still wasn 't thrilled . I was on unstable ground . I had no idea where I stood with him , and it was getting to me . As usual , I was over - thinking everything . When we got back to Hoboken , we stopped at the grocery store . I decided to call Smiles to see if he wanted to come over that night . I wanted to make him a nice home - cooked meal since he never cooks for himself . We always go out for dinner or order take - out . He agreed to come by . I also had ulterior motives . I wanted make - up sex for Saturday morning when I was denied . That evening , when he got off the PATH , I hopped on the motorcycle and rode down to pick him up . I was happy to finally get him out on the bike . He 'd been on one before , so it wasn 't as exciting as the first time I 'd taken motorcycle virgins on the bike , but it was nice to have him so close to me . We rode back to my apartment with his arms tightly around me . I thoroughly enjoyed it . I started us off with some artichokes while the fillets finished grilling and the rest of the meal finished cooking . I made more food than the two of us could possibly finish . When we had our fill , I cleaned up , and we made our way to my bedroom for the night . He asked if he 'd be spending the night . " Of course you 're spending the night ! Did you think I was going to kick you out now ? " I responded . " I don 't know . Some people need their rest before Monday morning , " he said . I reminded him the size of the California king bed and assured him he wouldn 't disturb my slumber . If anything , he would enhance it . Warning : The following may be too graphic for some . I started getting frisky . After not getting any the morning before , I was even more geared up for some great sex . We undressed each other and jockeyed for position once again . I wasn 't making the same mistake again . I made sure I was in position to top this time . When I pulled out my night - stand drawer to get a condom and some lube , he made a comment about the large dinner and not sure it was a good idea . I surrendered , and we decided to use alternate methods . He climbed on top and used his hand behind his back . I was impressed with his ingenuity and his willingness to try alternate methods . However , it wasn 't quite enough for me . It felt great , but I couldn 't quite get over the final hump , as is my issue often . When I woke in the morning , I snuck quietly into my bathroom to shower so he could fall back asleep . If he wanted , I was going to let him sleep as long as he wished and just pull the door shut behind him . However , he had a few things he wanted to get to Monday morning , so he joined me on my morning commute . We casually walked to the PATH and hopped on . When the time came for him to get off , we exchanged a quick kiss . A lot was going through my mind before that . I was a little afraid to do it because I knew all eyes would be on me as soon as he got off . However , I was the one who initiated it . It was subconscious , but I wasn 't going to let fear of others ' reactions rule my actions anymore . I didn 't care who knew I was gay anymore . I rode the rest of the way to work not making eye contact with others . I wasn 't 100 % comfortable in my own skin , but I was still growing with every day . Things were progressing nicely with Smiles , and they could only get better with added confidence . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on November 17 , 2011 After Smiles left for New York to return the rental car with the two other girls from the screening , I sat around waiting for my roommate to wake up . When I got bored with that , I hopped in the shower , repacked my bags and laid everything out to get ready for the wedding . The night before , I promised her I wouldn 't wake her before 10 : 30 . Obviously , all that didn 't take and hour and a half . Finally , the time came to wake her . I sat impatiently while she got ready . She suggested we go eat and come back to get ready for the wedding . I agreed . However , when we couldn 't find a place to get brunch for about 45 minutes , we gave up and decided to go back to the house to get ready . We would grab breakfast at the first decent place we passed on the way to the wedding . I was ready in about 10 minutes and had to wait another 40 minutes until she finished getting ready . WOMEN ! This always makes me realize part of the reason why I 'm gay ! I 'm sure my straight male readers can relate to me on this one ! We found a nice place to grab some great coffee and breakfast sandwiches . It was owned by a brother and sister pair far older than I . At one point , while talking to the gentleman in the booth behind us , they started to bicker . I put my head down and began to chuckle to myself . " Excuse me sir ! I don 't think this is very funny , " the sister said towards me in a semi - joking tone . Now , I was laughing blatantly . " What 's so funny ? " she asked . I explained my relationship with my older sister and how I could easily relate to the brother . I immediately was on her bad side , but I could tell deep down she really liked me - It was all an act . Everyone was eying us up ever since we walked in the door . I was wearing a dapper suit and my roommate had on a hot dress . There was no way to simply blend in now . Once we got back on the road , I was reminded once again how bad a driver my roommate is . She was all over the road and scaring the crap out of me . In fact , as we approached a cop on the side of the road , she veered off the road once again . We got to the hotel and settled in . As we checked in , I noticed a guy in a tux ( who I would later find to be the groom ) who resembled me . I pointed him out to my roommate and she agreed . When the time came , we made our way to the church . We barely made it in time . We were actually running from the car . We made our way back to the hotel to hang out at the bar with my friends from college before we hopped on the bus to the reception . While closing my tab , the uncle of the bride asked me if I was a relative . I was a little perplexed since he was a relative . He should know if I was family . Then I realized there were two families coming together that day . I told him I swam with the bride in college . " Oh . You look a lot like the groom - Like you could be his brother or something , " said this man . I laughed and said I noticed the resemblance as well . At the wedding reception , I really came to appreciate my roommate . As a gay man , I have limited resources for a wedding date since I wasn 't in a relationship . I planned to go with another female teammate who is still a great friend , but she went and got pregnant on me so she couldn 't travel . I floated the idea to my roommate to be my date months prior , and she jumped on the opportunity . She went to the same college as the bride and I , so I knew she 'd fit right in . I witnessed another friend from college sitting at our table arrive to the wedding and the reception stag . We had quasi dated in college for a very short period . The bride actually tried to set us up . She was the only single person at our table ( I 'm not exactly sure how you get a table with an uneven number ) . I felt really bad for her , but I was also very happy I didn 't show up stag myself . I got myself nice and lubricated with about half a bottle of scotch and had a blast the rest of the night . The only time my roommate and I weren 't on the dance floor was to walk outside so we would stop sweating . Then , we 'd make our way right back to the floor . The girl who came alone even came up to my roommate and made a comment about how lucky she was to have such a great wedding date ( or so I was told later by my roommate ) . I had so much fun at this wedding - The most fun I 'd had at any wedding I 'd been to before . This is all for one reason . I had a great date ! It makes all the difference . Who 'd have thought taking your roommate to a wedding could be so much fun ? After the reception , we went back to the hotel bar to hang out some more . The problem was , all my friends left , and my roommate and I were exhausted . Half an hour passed , and the bride was nowhere in sight . While we waited , I took the opportunity to text Smiles : " Sooooo much fun ! Missing you ! " We were ready to give up and go to bed , but not before we raided the cereal bar for a late night snack in our room . In the morning , we went down for the complimentary breakfast in hopes of seeing the bride again . I learned she wasn 't coming down because they had to get on with their honeymoon plans . I also learned I missed her last night at the bar , had I only stayed a little longer . I also received a text while we ate from Smiles . " Morning ! Glad you guys had fun . I wish I could have spent the afternoon out there with you ! " It was a very nice sentiment , and it brightened my day a little .

With self - publishing , you can publish as many books you want , as fast as you want , and the way you want to . The traditional publishing process can take years . You can start making money from self - publishing in as little as a few months . Agent Derek Turner from Covert Police Detectives Unit in Portland , Maine , is assigned to be her bodyguard . He goes home with her and her son to the Amish community where she was raised in Unity , Maine . Putting away her stalker is the most important thing to him , since that very same sex trafficking ring killed his wife for revenge two years ago . This short eBooks documents all the work at home jobs I have tried , even the ones that failed . I will give you my honest opinion on different online jobs and tell you of the scams I have come across . In the end , I 'll tell you how I make money from home now and about the online courses I am taking to start my second home business . Agent Derek Turner from Covert Police Detectives Unit in Portland , Maine , is assigned to be her bodyguard . He goes home with her and her son to the Amish community where she was raised in Unity , Maine . Putting away her stalker is the most important thing to him , since that very same sex trafficking ring killed his wife for revenge two years ago . Police Detective Olivia Mast would rather run through gunfire than return to the Amish community of Unity , Maine , where she killed her abusive husband in self - defense . However , Liv begrudgingly dons her old prayer kapp and covertly investigates a murder there while protecting her old flame , Isaac Troyer , a potential target . The handsome cabinet maker falls in love with her once again , unaware that she carries a 9mm under her skirt . As the body count rises , Liv recruits Isaac to help her , but she has an important rule : to never let emotions , especially love , get in the way of her job . On a class trip to a crumbling castle , Naomi and her best friend Sierra find an ancient magic diary which takes them back in time to the medieval kingdom of Neveniell . Everyone in the castle realizes Naomi is their long lost princess , but not everyone rejoices . Someone covets her diary , even if it means assassinating the princess . After Sierra is injured with an arrow in the chaos of Naomi 's abduction , Naomi doesn 't wait for a knight in shining armor to bust her out of the enemy 's dungeon . When her abusive ex - fiancé violently threatens her , Charlotte and her sister take refuge with their estranged Amish relatives on a tranquil farm in Unity , Maine . Soon after their arrival , the town experiences a rash of robberies . The community suspects Charlotte , but she fears her rampaging ex - fiancé has tracked her down to make her pay . Especially after her car is vandalized , her clothing is cut to shreds on the clothesline , and shadowy figures creep by her window at night . Hadassah was orphaned as a young child and raised in poverty by her older cousin Mordecai , but great things were destined for her . Blessed with incomparable beauty and grace , she is snatched from her home and taken to the castle with hundreds of other girls . The king of Persia will choose one of them as his queen , and he chooses her . They move from Brooklyn , New York to a small town in Maine , where she meets James and Janelle at school . James is captivated by Nichole 's guarded personality and her passion for singing and playing the piano . Together they start a band and grow closer , but Nichole still feels empty , so she begins a dangerous , anonymous online relationship with a boy from school who only has bad intentions . Just as she begins to adjust to her new life , he betrays her . Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live in an Old Order Amish community ? This is the updated true story of my 4 visits to Unity , Maine where I lived with 3 remarkable Amish families . I went there to do research for my new Amish novel , The Ring Thief , and I did everything they did . I dressed like them , rode in buggies , helped make 100 quarts of applesauce , taught in their school house and even attended an Amish wedding . Join me on my fascinating Amish adventure ! " This is a good perspective on the Amish . I have been to Lancaster County PA . and you can get a tour and visit the Amish attractions but this author went beyond internet research she actually lived with the Amish the only way you could go farther would be to become Amish for a longer period of time . A good book I read it in one afternoon . " Lady Aria of Li - Aval feels like a prisoner , with a magnificent manor as her cage . Her father hides her from the rest of the world because Aria has hair like strands of gold . Literally , her hair is gold . When Aria 's father tries to marry her off to an elderly man , she takes her deceased mother 's necklace and runs away with her servant , Tina . They stumble upon Torenth , a city hidden behind a waterfall , and the Guardians welcome her into their castle like family . Lord Deric tries to win her heart , but Aria 's eyes are on Owen , the shy blacksmith . Here are chapters of my newest book Amish Under Fire that you can read for FREE on Wattpad . ( You have to get the Wattpad app to do this . ) This book was a semifinalist in the So You Think You Can Write competition on Wattpad . Here 's the link . Maria Mast waited in line at her bank in Portland , Maine , wearing a retro waitressing uniform she couldn 't wait to change out of , the nametag printed with the word Kate . She removed it and tucked it away before anyone else could see it . The back of the dress advertised Miss Portland 's Diner , and now she cringed at the thought of people knowing where she worked . The diner car restaurant looked as though it was straight out of the ' 40s with its marble countertops , hardwood booths and lively patterns . Kate Morgan . That 's the name her checks from work were written out to . She 'd had to lie to her boss about a lot of things , but she was grateful for the benevolent woman who had given her a job and hadn 't asked too many questions . Like why Maria had shown up for her interview with bruises on her arms . Or why she didn 't talk to anyone about her family or personal life . Or why she didn 't make friends or trust anyone . Or why she glanced up nervously every time she heard the loud rumbling of a diesel truck pull into the parking lot . Maria lowered herself to the ground , watching as the gunman forced the woman to hand over all the cash available . Her heart seemed to have fallen into her stomach , and anxiety constricted her throat and chest . Maybe if they did what the men said , no one would get hurt . Her fingers reached up to her knee where her 9mm pistol was secured in its holster . She slid it out and rested her forefinger along the side of the gun , her heart pounding harder with every second . She clicked off the safety . A man a few people in line behind her caught her eye , seeing the gun , and gave her a nod . His eyes communicated to hers behind black - rimmed rectangle glasses , and his dark hair was gelled stylishly above a short , stubbly beard . When she hesitated , he nodded again and jerked his head ever so slightly to the robbers . " Look , the police ! " the man shouted , his outburst making the two gunmen turn towards the window in a panic . In the two seconds of time he gave her , she aimed and fired , hitting the first gunman by the door in the leg . The man with the glasses lunged towards the other gunman who held the girl , knocking her out of the way , and after they moved , Maria hit that gunman in the leg also . Two other men in line leapt into action , swiping the weapons from the two robbers and restraining them as their screams of pain filled the air . The hours spent at the shooting range had paid off . She had traded some of her paintings for shooting lessons , and her instructor had told her she was a natural . And now , somehow , whatever plan this man with the glasses had had in mind had worked . He looked over at her , admiration radiating from him to her . The rest of the people in the bank turned to her , thanking her . Especially the girl 's mother , who ran two her crying , throwing her arms around her in a hug . She had to get out of there . She pried the woman 's hands off her and made a beeline for the door , then slammed into someone . Two strong hands steadied her as she looked up into the face of the handsome Glasses Man . " I 'm Derek Turner , an agent of CPDU , but I 'm off duty and didn 't have my gun on me today . You just saved that girl 's life , and we now have the criminals under control . So what 's wrong ? " he asked , peering in to her eyes , so close for comfort that she wriggled out of his grasp . Everyone dropped everything at Benson 's sharp tone . Field Agent Derek Turner had just sat down at his desk to make a few reports from an arrest he had made earlier that day . Now it would have to wait . When Benson said ' now , ' he meant now . All the officers , analysts and agents milled into the situation room , and Benson cleared his throat as everyone quieted down . " We have received some information on a sex trafficking ring in Portland . We think it might be the same ring that we tried to shut down last year . " Derek remembered the case well . CPDU had managed to arrest several johns . But the most of the johns and the boss of the trafficking ring had relocated themselves as well as all the girls they had kidnapped , and then the trail had gone cold . " We think the ring has returned to Portland , possibly after relocating to Boston . We received a tip call from someone at the Maine Mall . The mall suspects that there are men there in their early twenties who are luring in teenage girls by flattering them , spending time with them at the mall then offering to drive them home or to a movie , but instead of bringing them home the men just brings them to the trafficking headquarters . Four girls have gone missing this month at the mall alone . " Benson tugged on his belt that was snug under his round belly . " I need to assign four agents to go undercover on a mission . We think the traffickers might be keeping the girls temporarily somewhere in Portland . We are trying to pinpoint the location . I need four men to go in and pose as potential ' buyers ' while gathering information . " Benson made quotation marks with his fingers , making no effort to hide his disgust . Rage against the traffickers boiled Derek 's own blood , but he listened intently as Benson continued . " Martin , Banks , Rogers and Smith , I will tell you the details of the mission after this meeting . " As Benson continued speaking , Derek tried to listen . Instead , he slowly tuned Benson out , memories taking over his mind . The blood on the white carpet of his apartment , Natalia 's bruised body lying skewed and broken on the floor … Everyone stood up and Derek silently chided himself . The meeting was over and he had zoned out . He hoped he didn 't miss any important information . He 'd ask Officer Martin about it later . Wait . He hadn 't been chosen to go on the mission . He was one of the best field agents in the unit . Why hadn 't Benson chosen him ? Annoyed , he maneuvered his six foot frame through the people trying to leave the room and walked up to the captain . " No , Turner . It 's not anything you did wrong . It 's just … The mission will take place on the two year anniversary of your wife 's death . I just didn 't want you to be distracted , that 's all . You are human , just like the rest of us , and distraction can lead to fatal mistakes , " Benson said , sidling past him . " Remember last year ? " Derek nodded solemnly . He had been so distracted by grief he had almost let a suspect escape custody . " That was last year . I won 't make the same mistake again . " " A woman just walked in here , Maria Mast . She claims her ex - boyfriend is abusing her , and he is one of the guys we think might be on the mall security footage who is taking teenage girls . She is Detective Olivia Troyer 's cousin , who has been temporarily transferred to work on a case . Go talk to her and get as much information from her as you can . Let 's arrest this trafficker , " Benson said , tugging on his belt once more , his bald head gleaming in the light from the ceiling . " Report to me after . Go . " Benson turned to the four agents he had picked and began discussing the details of the mission . When he saw his friend Jefferson Martin as one of the chosen , Derek could not deny that he felt a twinge of guilt . They had worked together for a few years now . Martin was a good in the field , but Derek knew he was even better . Even though he was only twenty - nine , Derek already had more experience than many of the other agents , thanks to his service in the military . The slender young woman walked towards him . Her long hair was highlighted a lovely shade of honey blonde , falling in loose curls that framed her beautiful face . She wore a simple gray sweater dress that might as well have been a ball gown , it looked so wonderful on her . Her brown eyes held fear , hurt and secrets as she walked towards him , her black heels clacking on the marble floor . She was a sight to behold . She was the woman from the bank who had saved the little girl . But her nametag had said Kate at the bank . Was her real name Maria ? " You told them where I worked , didn 't you ? You saw that I worked at Miss Portland 's Diner from my uniform ? " Fear shadowed her already dark eyes , making him wonder just exactly what she was afraid of . " Actually , I didn 't because you seemed like you didn 't want any recognition . There were plenty of people in that bank . Someone else must have told them . " " Well , whoever told them , the reporters found me at work and put me on TV even though I ran away , covering my face . And that 's why I 'm here . I need help . " This woman intrigued him more and more . " I 'm assuming this is why your nametag didn 't say your real name . Follow me , please . " He began to lead her to his cubicle , awkwardly clearing his throat , which suddenly felt like it had a cotton ball in it . " Is there someone who could watch my son while we speak ? " Maria asked . Quietly she added , " I don 't want him to hear what we will be discussing . " " Oh , I understand . You can leave him with Betty , " Derek said , turning to the woman at the desk . " Would you mind watching him while I speak to Ms . Mast ? " " His name is Carter , " Maria said , then turned to her son . " Stay with this nice lady for a few minutes until I 'm done , okay ? Listen to whatever she tells you . " Maria followed Derek to his desk and sat down in the chair he offered her . She looked at him as he settled into his chair . His dark eyes searched hers , his thick dark eyebrows drawn in concentration . " Yes . Trevor Monroe . He was verbally abusive , but now he is also physically abusive . " She pulled back her thick hair to show Derek bruises on her neck . " He has been to jail for the abuse before , but was bailed out . I don 't know who did it . None of his friends seem to have that kind of money . " Most of his violence is directed towards me when we were together . Though I was not living with him , I broke up with him two years ago and left him , and I moved and have been working under a fake identity . After he saw me on the news the other day , he went to the diner where I work and asked my coworkers where I live , even though I asked them not to tell anyone where I live . He could charm the socks off anyone and get anyone to tell him what he wants to know . Well , last night he found me and attacked me . I had a protection order , but he was gone before the police get there and they haven 't been able to catch him . He 's too quick , too smart . " " Many women do not report their partner 's abuse because they are too afraid or they think it is their own fault . You were brave to report him . However , if he had been arrested again before today , we may not have found a connection between him and the sex trafficking ring in Portland , " Derek 's deep voice rumbled as he leaned forward on his desk . He crossed his tan , muscular arms in front of him . Maria looked away , as a lovely blush rose to her cheeks . " Do you know if your ex has been involved in human trafficking ? " " What are you talking about ? " she said , making a production out of smoothing imaginary wrinkles out of her skirt . It was a sign of nervousness . Was she hiding something ? " No . I don 't think so . Trevor may be violent , but he would never do anything like that , " she said , coming to her ex 's rescue . Sadly , it was typical . Battered women often defended their abusers . Sometimes women even wanted to go back to their abuser after leaving them , believing that they needed their abusive partner to love them , falling prey to the abuser 's brainwashing . He was thankful she hadn 't waited too long to make a report . " Well , we think we might have Trevor on Maine Mall surveillance footage luring teenage girls to get into cars with him so he can drive them to a sex trafficking hideout , " Derek told her . " He may be guilty of kidnapping , among other crimes . He 'd go to jail for a long time if we can prove it . Much longer than if he was only charged with domestic abuse . This time , he would stay in jail for good . " Her eyes doubled in circumference . " You really think it 's him ? " Then she said more to herself , " He would really do something like that ? I mean , I know he is cruel , but this is so despicable … " " We should also have more solid evidence . Like a recording . We can come to your house to install surveillance , " Derek said , even though he knew in his gut that Trevor was guilty of abuse as well as kidnapping . " I could arrest him for domestic violence now , and endangering the welfare of a child , but he might go to jail for a much shorter amount of time . I have an idea . If you don 't want to do it , I completely understand . " " It might be better for you if we wait and also arrest him for kidnapping . If we can also prove he was involved in the trafficking , he 'd go to jail for a very , very long time , and then you 'd be safe . You might be able to help us follow him to the trafficking hideout . Where do you live ? " " Here 's my idea . What do you think about using him to help us find the kidnapped girls ? " He felt horrible even asking her , but as soon as he got the words out , her eyes lit up with hope . " Yes , I want to do whatever I can to help . Just tell me what I have to do . " For the first time since he had met her , she looked hopeful . For a moment , all the shadows of worry that shrouded her face were lifted . And she was delightful . " Excellent . We would really appreciate your help , Ms . Mast . We 've been trying to find out where he lives , and we can 't figure out where he lives . Do you know where he lives ? " he asked . " Okay … That explains it . Here 's what you 'll have to do . We 're going to set a trap . For the next week or two , we will have a patrol car parked and hidden by your house , waiting for the next time he goes there . Then we will follow him . Hopefully he will eventually lead us to the where the girls are , and we might be able to use him to shut down this entire trafficking ring . Write down your address here , " he said , handing her a pen and paper . " I know this will be hard , but you could help save several girls from slavery . " She nodded slowly , writing . " I understand , Agent Turner . I 'm glad to help . And actually , I can get him to come to my house tonight . Last time he attacked me he made it pretty clear that he wanted me back , and that he thinks he owns me . I can invite him over for dinner tonight to ' talk about our relationship , ' " she said , looking up at him shyly . Now that she was closer , he could see flecks of gold in her soft brown eyes . He knew there must be so many untold stories and secrets hidden within her , and he had to admit , he was curious . He wondered how many times she had tried to leave her ex - boyfriend , and about the many times he had threatened to kill her that made her so afraid of him . " Yes , Ms . Mast . As I said , if he goes to jail now , we might not be able to convict him of kidnapping also . So , if he hurts you tonight he will go to jail for domestic violence , but if we can follow him home , he might lead us to the ring , and you would be safe for good once we arrest him for kidnapping . Here 's a card for CPDU , " he said , handing her a business card . He went even further by giving her his own personal number . " And in fact , I will ask to be the one in the patrol car near your house . And I can send someone to go put surveillance in your house right now if you are going home . This is my cell phone number . Call me anytime , night or day . Whatever you need , I 'd be glad to help . " Maria 's almond - shaped eyes swept the cards , then she looked up at him , a little more confident now . " Thank you , Agent Turner , but I 'm sure about this . We 'll talk soon . " She stood up and he walked her out , watching as Carter 's face lit up when he saw his mother . The small boy ran to Maria and hugged her slim waist . " Well , her ex - boyfriend definitely attacked her and is abusive , all right . But I knew that the more concrete evidence she had , the better . She agreed to let us install surveillance in her house , and she agreed to help us . She will let us know when he leaves the house so we can try to follow him to the trafficking hideout . " " That 's a great idea . He could lead us right to where they are keeping the victims , maybe even the boss ! She seriously agreed to doing this ? Did you tell her if she feels uncomfortable that she doesn 't have to do it ? " " She was glad to help . And with your permission I would like to be the one in the patrol car outside her house , starting tonight . " He remembered the tortured look in her eyes , and wondered if she 'd be okay tonight . If anything happened , he would be right there for her . The Amish are a truly amazing , kind and smart group of people , as you will discover as you read this book . The Amish church began hundreds of years ago , but the Amish today are not very different from the ones who lived back then . ( I won 't get into the history . See the end of this book for recommendations on other books about the Amish . ) For many people , the only things they know about the Amish are what they have learned from movies or Amish romance novels . These can sometimes stereotype or falsely portray the Amish . People think they are quaint and / or naïve , but they are far from naïve and living their lives is hard work . ( Believe me , I know . I worked a lot during my stay . ) They live the way they do for a reason . In the Bible God calls his followers to live " separate from the world . " While most Christians would think that meant not doing some things other people do , the Amish take it literally . In fact , they take many of the things in the Bible literally . ( You will learn more about this when I write about my visit to the Amish church . ) The Amish do indeed live separate from the world not only by their location , but in the way they dress , pray , travel , and almost every other aspect of their lives . I think the Amish understand and know just as much or even more about the world than regular people . They separate themselves from the rest of the world , ignore strange looks from people and go without modern conveniences to honor God with their lives . They are hard workers , and family and friendship is so more important to them then material objects . They do not need any thing to be happy , and I could tell that they are happy . I highly admire and respect them . Growing up , I suppose like most people I knew the Amish dressed old fashioned , but I didn 't really know why . About a year ago my mother gave me some Amish novels and I was hooked . ( Later on I would learn that many of the books I read are banned by Amish parents . ) I became completely fascinated with the ways of the Amish . I just wanted to learn more about them . In case you don 't know much about the Amish , here is some basic information on them . The Amish ( not to be confused with Mennonites ) live very simple lives . The Amish believe being content with a simple life is important because God looks at the heart , and God needs to be first in one 's life - not possessions . That is why they do not need materialistic things to be happy . There are the Old Order Amish , who live without electricity and vehicles , and there are the New Order Amish , who may own vehicles or use electricity . Each Amish community is different and has different ways and rules . I will be writing about the Amish community in Unity , Maine , which is an Old Order community . I wrote this book from my own observations and experiences with the Amish people I stayed with and met there . Again , every Amish community is different . Most of this was written in a notebook as I was living in Unity . Last names have been left out in respect of the people I met in Unity , even though they did not ask me to do this . If you would like to call ( they share a community phone ) or write a letter to an Amish family I met in Unity , you may contact me at ashleyjoylowell @ yahoo . com so I can give you their contact information with their permission . You may also contact me if you have further questions for me that were not answered in this book . * * To see lots of pictures from my stay with the Amish , find me on Facebook . They are all posted on my profile . I will also soon be adding letters from the Amish to my Facebook profile under the " notes " section . I don 't want to join the Amish . I want to research for a novel I want to write about a girl who has to go live with her Amish aunt and uncle she never knew she had after her parents die . I just need to go to a place where I can get away from worldly distractions and get to know God better . I need to be thrown out of my comfort zone and learn to live without everything I 'm used to : electricity , chaos and doing things the quick and easy way . I want to know what its like to leave everything familiar and have to live with a family I don 't know in a plain community . The driveway to Caleb 's house was extremely slippery . Our car barely made it up . I didn 't know how they walked it without falling . As a young girl watched from the house 's front window , we parked inevitably near some horse manure embellishing the ground . We had to step over it to get out of the car . We grabbed our bags and went inside the house . We got there right after Caleb and Beth . They could walk quickly ! The first thing I saw were three beautiful dark haired girls in pale blue and gray dresses sitting on a couch . Once I got a better look I realized one of the girls was Caleb 's wife . She was so petite she looked just like one of her daughters . She was holding their newborn baby . They told us to put our bags by the door , and we put our coats on the sewing machine . I was surprised to see that the room 's walls had been painted with light blue , and the kitchen 's walls were light yellow . To our left was a huge quilt in progress being held up on a wooden contraption that resembled a table with the quilt as the table top . In the corner near the quilt was the sewing machine . There was a door leading to what looked like a play room with stuffed animals on a bench . To the right of that was a bookcase with encyclopedias and board games like Monopoly and Apples to Apples . Straight ahead was the couch , which had a blue pattern on it but was covered with a white sheet . There was no clutter . The walls were bare save for a clock and a calendar . There were hardly any pictures . To our right was a long , plastic topped kitchen table . I could hear a chopping sounds and pots and pans clanging . Caleb 's daughters bustled around , already making dinner . From where I stood I could see the back of the gas stove , and I could feel its heat . One of the girls took a lighter from Caleb and lit the gas light above the table , which also gave off heat and surprisingly bright light . One of the other girls brought us chairs that were on wheels , but had been covered with plain gray fabric . We sat down and all the children were introduced to us . Regina , who is eighteen , is the oldest . Then there is Cara , who is the most outgoing . Then there is Beth , who is fifteen . Then Elsie , Rosaline , Mary Esther , Joanna , two - year old Jonas , and baby Emma Sue . Their mother 's name was Rosie . The girls went back to making dinner while the younger ones quietly read . My mother , Caleb , Rosie and I talked . My mom and I told them about our family and how we homeschooled and I had gone to Veritas Academy for high school , which only had eight people in it at the time . When they asked us what we did for a living , I had to be honest . " Mostly I go to elderly ladies homes and wash their hair for them if they are unable to . And I cut men 's hair , " I said . Since the women do not cut their hair , I left out that I do many women 's haircuts . I also left out everything else , like hair coloring and highlighting and manicures and pedicures . I knew this was coming . I hadn 't really come up with an answer ahead of time that I thought they would want to hear . I was going to be honest , of course . I guessed I couldn 't avoid the real reason why I was here . " Yes , that 's me . I write novels . I want to write a novel about a girl from the city whose parents die and she has to live with her Amish aunt and uncle she never knew she had . " " See , usually Amish novels don 't portray us correctly , " said Rosie , shifting the baby in her arms . " I don 't let my daughters read them . They are always about romance . " I didn 't understand what she meant then , but later on Christina would explain to me the process of Amish dating . It is not secretive or scandalous , like in many Amish romance novels . Amish dating is serious and usually leads to marriage . " I write Christian novels , " I said . " That is why I am here . I want to learn as much as I can about the Amish so that I can write my book correctly . I want to get everything right . " " My father was a writer , " he said . He went on to tell us about his father , who had died at the young age of fifty - five and had left Caleb the store . He wrote a book called Give Me This Mountain . After we talked for a while Rosie told us we could bring our bags upstairs and see the rest of the house . Regina led us up the stairs and showed us our room first . It had blue walls , a queen bed , a chest by the window and a nightstand with a kerosene lamp on it . There was also a closet with spare dresses in it . Then there was the bathroom . We were happy to see a toilet and a shower , but the sink had not been installed yet . They had been renovating the bathroom recently . Regina showed us the rest of the girls ' rooms . I was surprised to see mirrors and perfume and lotion in their rooms . I wondered why they are allowed to use those things but not makeup . My guess was that makeup alters the appearance and lotions and perfumes do not . Soon dinner was ready and we set the table . They used plastic dishes that were a cross between bowls and plates . I noticed they did not use napkins . They had started making dinner around 4pm , when we got there , and we finished cleaning up around 7pm . Dinner was a three hour event . It was so good ! They made the mashed potatoes , gravy with meat in it , a green bean casserole , corn , and we had the bread my mom had brought with jelly . After we were finished eating they sang " God Our Father . " Mom and I didn 't know it so we just listened , and it was so beautiful . Even the little children sang every word . " I like to draw . " It was the only thing I could think of that didn 't involve electricity or dancing or instruments , which are all things they are against . " Do you draw ? " They younger children do not even speak English very well . They speak only Pennsylvania Dutch ( the form of German the Amish speak ) until they are around 9 , when they start to speak English . But I made funny voices for the characters and I tried to be animated , so they smiled , even if they might have not completely understood what I was saying . It was strange to see the girls walking around in their long dresses and Kapps , which I had only seen before on movies or the covers of books . I was surprised by how normal these people were . They are so similar to us . They share many of the same interests . If not for the clothes , I would have thought they were any other regular Christian family . I learned that there is a Singing tomorrow at 6pm , but we heard it is supposed to snow at 12pm . I hope we can still go . A Singing is when the community gathers to sing for a few hours , and sometimes Amish boys will give rides home to girls they like . It is kind of like their way of going on a date . It sounds like fun , and I hope I can go . Mom managed to talk to the family about things the Amish are against without even realizing it . I did a lot of research before coming here so I knew what things they disagree with , but Mom didn 't . for example , she told them about how my younger sisters do Soldier 's Angels , which is writing to troops overseas . The Amish are completely against war . She asked them if there would be coffee in the morning , and I was surprised when they said they made coffee regularly . Mom was very happy about this . We discussed how we would travel to church in the morning . My mom offered rides in her car , and Caleb said he would let his girls ride in it if they wanted to . Caleb says it is not a sin to own a car but they believe it is better to own buggies because you have to really plan a trip with a buggy . I don 't see why this makes it better to own a buggy . I guess it is all about being content with what you have . There is a dark , secret side to everyone I suppose , but mine might be darker than most . On the outside I may look like a sweet and innocent high school student , but my insides are constantly twisted into knots of regret and despair . I am haunted by a past of violence and a deadly secret that I am scared to tell . I 'm scared that once people discover what I 've done they will brand me with the scarlet letter of a murderer . Why wouldn 't they ? My secret is a deadly one . I lock it away in the far corners of my mind in attempt to forget about it … but it still lingers like a bad smell . I can 't forget about it . It 's always there , and it 's become a part of me . You see , I killed my own father . I didn 't mean to , but I took his life while trying to protect my mother and me from his violence . Self - defense is not murder , so technically I am not a murderer . However , I feel like one , and people have called me one . How could anyone love a murderer like me ? It didn 't matter . She came to school to learn , not make friends . She was determined to get the highest grades so she could get a scholarship and go to college for music . Her dream was to be a famous singer and songwriter , and if that didn 't work out , she would be a music teacher , which she knew she would also love doing . Now she walked into her literature class , her favorite class . Nichole felt like she could focus on other people 's problems that were in the stories instead of her own . She sat in her usual desk and put down her backpack . As other students chatted around her , she stared out the window and ignored them until the teacher arrived . After school , Nichole quietly stuck her key into the lock and let herself into her family 's apartment . As usual , she crept in through the door , trying not to wake her father . Her stomach rumbled , but she ignored it . Getting something from the kitchen would only risk awakening him and facing his fury . She tiptoed past the living room where the monster was sleeping in his lair and went to her room to do her homework . Nichole 's father Harold stirred in his recliner . Helen and Nichole exchanged nervous looks . His stirring graduated to muttering and soon he was awake and standing in the kitchen . " Harold , I told you we can 't afford it any more . I used the money to buy food , " Helen replied . There was no warning . Suddenly Harold 's hand was flying towards Nichole and her cheek felt the sting . Helen fumbled with her keys and looked at Nichole sadly as she made her way out the door . This was the last night they had to endure his violence . Tonight they were leaving him so they could go live with Nichole 's aunt and uncle in Maine . Later on that night , Nichole grabbed a duffle bag and starting throwing in clothes . Helen was already done with packing her things , and now she was in the kitchen . Nichole watched from her slightly ajar door as her mother took some medication that would make Harold sleep . Helen had never done this before . It was her new idea . Nichole hoped the plan wouldn 't go wrong as she mixed the medicine in the beer and handed it to Harold . He began to drink . Nichole waited for him to taste the medicine . Ten seconds went by . A minute went by and he was still drinking . Nichole assumed he couldn 't taste anything and she resumed her packing . The car 's tank was full , their bags were packed , and Nichole 's father was sound asleep . She was hopeful that they would make it . Helen didn 't have to tell Nichole to be quiet as they went out into the hallway . Helen already held her bag , and Nichole carried hers as she followed her mother into the kitchen . They tiptoed past Harold who was now snoring in his chair . The front door was almost in reach now . Helen grabbed her daughter 's hand and pulled her towards the door . Nichole followed without hesitation . Even before they could reach the door Nichole 's father had seen them with their bags and figured out what was going on . He clumsily got out of his chair , stumbling in the process . Then he was upon them . He was about to strike Nichole when her mother threw herself at Harold and tried to hold him back . Harold had never been on medication like this before . He was more furious than normal . Nichole knew he was going to hurt her mother badly . Nichole scrambled to her feet as fast as she could . She pulled at his arms but he just shoved her away . Nichole fell on the floor again but quickly got to her feet . She looked around frantically for something , anything to stop him with . Anything … Nichole 's eyes fell on the new set of knives on the counter . That 's too dangerous , she thought as her father attacked her mother . Nichole realized he was so intoxicated and angry that he might kill Helen . She was not going to let it happen . Nichole grabbed the knife and gripped the handle with white knuckles . She shouted at her father , " Stop ! " Nichole 's booming voice did not seem like her own . It was too authoritative , too confident . Harold stopped to look at her . He swayed a little as his angry eyes stared into Nichole 's . " You think that 'll scare me ? " he seethed . " I know you 'd never come near me with that . " Harold began to attack Nichole 's mother again and that 's when Nichole lost control of her anger . Nichole fought him and did everything she could without using the knife . She didn 't want to hurt him . What happened next was a blur . The next thing Nichole knew her father threw a wooden chair at her , but he missed and it landed in front of her . Harold came at Nichole , eyes blazing with rage . He swayed dizzily . He tripped over the chair and fell on Nichole . She automatically put up her hands in front of her to protect herself . They crashed to the crashed to the floor . After a second she shoved her father off of her , not yet fully realizing what had happened . Then she saw the blood … and the gash across his throat . He was not breathing . Frantically she felt his pulse and there was no heartbeat . She almost choked on fear as she just stared at him . Then she remembered her mother . Nichole forced herself to calm down then lifted herself off the floor and made her way to Helen . Nichole wasn 't sure if her mother was conscious . " My mother is badly injured . I think she has some broken bones . My father has hurt her terribly , " Nichole cried . " My father … I killed him . I didn 't mean to . I had a knife and he tripped and fell on me . I was just trying to protect my mother from him . " Saying it out loud made everything real . Nichole gave the phone operator all the information necessary as she sank onto the cold tiles . She collapsed beside her feeble mother , who closed her eyes . A few tears slid down Nichole 's cheeks along with drops of blood from a cut on her forehead , which would always be a painful reminder of what she had done . Nichole gave the phone operator all the information necessary as she sank onto the cold tiles . She collapsed beside her feeble mother , who closed her eyes . A few tears slid down Nichole 's cheeks along with drops of blood from the cut on her forehead , which would always be a painful reminder of what she had done . Helen had wanted to prove that her husband was abusive for a long time . He had always been careful to hit her somewhere that wouldn 't show until the last time he beat her . Since they were going to try to leave him , Helen had put a voice recorder in the cabinet and set it on record right before they tried to leave . She had the entire thing recorded to show to the court as evidence . It proved Nichole had killed her father out of self - defense , and self - defense is not murder . Nichole was found not guilty , according to the court . However , she still felt guilty . Nichole 's father 's death haunted her . She felt like a murderer . When she closed her eyes she would still see his blazing stare , the knife , the blood … and the nightmares were even worse . Nichole would never see a knife the same way again . Helen and Nichole were both sure that Harold would have killed Helen if Nichole had not stepped in . So , in a way , she regretted what she had done , yet at the same time Nichole felt relief . Nichole had saved her mother . She would never have to fear her father 's violence again . She was free . " You really should take it easy , Mom , " Nichole told her mother several days after the incident of her father 's death . " The doctor said you could go back to work , but I don 't think he realized you 'd be working long hours . " Nichole brought her mother a plate of food for dinner and poured her some water . " We need to save some more extra money for our trip to Maine . " Helen rubbed tired eyes , then rubbed her ribs and winced where one of the ribs had been broken . She took a long drink of the water and sighed , then dug into her plate of chicken and rice that Nichole had made . " Don 't worry , sweetie . Once we get to Maine , things will get easier . And you 've been such a big help working at the grocery store and helping me out around the house . " Nichole leaned over the counter and let out a long breath . She knew Helen was stressed . It was all over her face . Nichole knew it wasn 't stressed from work , which was what she blamed it on . She wasn 't working any more than she had been before . A few years ago , Harold had ended up getting fired after walking into work drunk one day and didn 't bother looking for another job after that . Helen was a banker and made enough money to support the family while Nichole helped with her job at the local supermarket . Though Helen was distracted by something she also seemed more relaxed . She used to always be so tense , always anticipating what Harold would get angry about next . Now it was like she could just relax and not worry about him . However , Nichole knew there was something else on Helen 's mind , like she wanted to tell Nichole something but didn 't know how . Like she was carrying around a secret . After she cleaned up from dinner , Nichole sat at her window of the apartment , wondering what Maine would be like . Even though they didn 't have to leave Nichole 's father anymore , Helen still wanted to go there . She wanted to get out of the city , but Nichole wasn 't sure if she wanted to . The city was far below Nichole 's window . The familiar sounds were like music to her ears : sirens , horns honking , people talking , the whoosh of passing cars . Smells of roasted nuts and hot dogs from street vendors wafted up to Nichole . People meandered down the dirty , trash lined streets . Some would call Brooklyn filthy and too crowded , but Nichole called it home . She loved all the commotion and excitement of the fast paced life . She loved the graffiti on the buildings , the chill of the subways , and all the people going this way and that . She was used to this life . She had never been anywhere else . How could she leave this all behind ? Yet , this apartment held more bad memories than good . Maybe moving to Maine would be the right thing . Maybe it wasn 't as country as everyone said … or maybe it was . The more Nichole thought about it , the more she wanted to go . As she walked through the apartment , the memories of her father were everywhere … and the blood stains wouldn 't wash out of her mind . Even though she shut her eyes , the memories were still there . Helen came in Nichole 's room . " Nichole , you should start packing soon . I 'm sorry if you don 't want to go … but I can 't stay here any longer , " Helen said with concern in her blue eyes as she handed Nichole some boxes . Nichole took a look around . There wasn 't much in her room , just a bed with an old quilt her mom had made , a dresser , a closet … However , now Nichole could take everything that was important with her now instead of only one bag . One of her favorite things was her old radio . Nichole couldn 't afford an MP3 player , but who needs one when you have a radio ? She listened to all types of music : hip hop , classical , rock , especially country . Even though she couldn 't really relate to all that talk of wide open spaces and green tractors , it was still music . She loved almost any kind of music . Nichole had head phones that she had plugged into her radio to tune out everything else … especially her father . Now she didn 't need to . There was that feeling again … a mix between relief and guilt and shame . Nichole willed it away and tried to distract herself by turning on her radio . A country song began to play . Soon she was singing and packing energetically . Maybe moving wouldn 't be so bad . Nichole didn 't have any friends at school . She guessed they thought she was weird . She was shy and didn 't talk to someone unless they talked to her first . She thought it would be hard to make friends with someone like her . As she continued to sing , something struck her as hard as a subway train . Nichole wanted to be a famous singer . She knew it was a crazy dream that would probably never come true , but how could she ever get discovered in Maine ? It 's not like she had developed a master plan to becoming famous , but being in Maine definitely would not help . There was no point in telling her mother . She 'd just say , " Sweetie , I don 't think being a singer is for you . You 're great at so many other things . You 're great at English , and I also think you could be a banker one day . Bankers don 't need to go to college . You need to think about what 's best for you and what will allow you to make enough money to support yourself . " Either way , Nichole knew they had to move to Maine . Maine was where Helen and Harold had grown up . Helen had always talked about how beautiful it was there . Nichole 's aunt and uncle lived on a little farm . They had chickens and horses . Nichole 's uncle worked at the car dealership downtown , and my Aunt Lynn worked at the local bank . She was the one who had helped Helen get a job there . Maybe this would just be a temporary thing . Yes , she thought . It won 't be long until Mom realizes how much she misses the city and we 'll be right back here . She sat by her window for one last long look at her beloved city . Then she looked up beyond the skyscrapers . " If there really is someone out there watching over this world , " she said , " I ask only one thing . Could you send me a friend or two ? Maybe even someone who will love me someday ? I don 't want the kind of marriage my mother had . All I ask for is someone who will love me unconditionally . " Many miles away from Brooklyn , James Johnson looked out his window at the green hills and forests in his backyard . All he could hear were chirping birds and the wind . Maine was certainly different than the city , and he liked it that way . It was hard to live up to the expectations of a pastor 's kid . He felt like the congregation expected him and his twin sister Janelle to be perfect . He wondered how the church would react if they knew James used to steal cars with his friends , and how much he regretted it and the death it led to . Why had James insisted on stealing that particular car ? Why had he run and left his friend Johnny behind ? For the hundredth time , James wished he could go back in time and make the right choice even though he knew he couldn 't . James knew God had forgiven him and healed him . Now he was close to his Creator . Normally James didn 't feel the ache of regret , but some days he felt it more than others . Today was one of those days . Today marked two years since his best friend 's death that James blamed himself for . If only someone understood what James was going through . James looked heavenward and prayed . Please God , could you send me someone who understands this pain ? Better yet , could you send me someone I can help get through their pain by using my experiences ? Nichole groggily opened her eyes to see trees , a house , and gigantic fields of grass . There were only a few houses around . So these were wide open spaces that were like the ones in the country songs . There was even a barn and chickens running around . Perfect . Then Nichole realized the lack of noise . There was no traffic , no taxis , no people on the streets , no sirens , no chaos . It was bizarre . There was only the sound of the breeze , chickens clucking and horses neighing from the barn . Now that Nichole was wide awake , she stepped out of the car to look around . Then who she assumed was her Aunt Lynn burst out of the yellow house , which looked like it had been through one too many winters . Aunt Lynn had a huge smile on her face as she ran down the paint chipped steps . She gave Nichole and Helen huge bear hugs . Of course . Who else would she be ? Nichole just nodded . Aunt Lynn hugged Nichole again . Nichole could barely breathe or hear from being so compressed . Aunt Lynn rambled on about how glad she was they made it and how much fun they 'd have , and something about dinner on the stove . Then she was all but dragging Nichole and Helen inside . The house was three times bigger than Nichole 's apartment had been . It was nice on the inside . It looked like it had just been redone . There was a shiny wood floor with a new sofa . Nichole looked on the wall and jumped in surprise . There was a duck on the wall ! And a fish … and half a deer ! How could anyone kill something and be proud of it ? This thought led Nichole to the memories of killing her father . She shuddered and pushed the thoughts out of her mind . Aunt Tess didn 't answer because Nichole 's uncle made a grand entrance . " Nichole , is that you ? " Uncle Dean asked , smiling at her . " I hope you don 't mind all my taxidermy . I know you 're not used to seeing stuff like that . " He put a friendly arm around Nichole and ushered her to the kitchen . " Come on . Let 's eat . My best moose burgers are for dinner . " " Here is your room , " Aunt Lynn said after dinner as she opened the door . Nichole stepped into her new bedroom . On the floor was a white carpet . There was pretty white furniture and a neatly made bed with a blue blanket . The light blue walls had a horse patterned border running along them near the ceiling . There were even little horses scattered across the walls , and it almost looked to me like they were really running . Of course , Nichole wouldn 't know . She had never seen a real horse before . Nichole set her bag down on the desk and nodded enthusiastically . This was the nicest bedroom she had ever seen . " I love it . It 's really cute . " Actually , for the first time in her life , she felt like she was home . Truly home . She had called Brooklyn home , but now that just felt like a stop along the way . Now Nichole had people who cared about her . These people who wouldn 't hurt her , they would love her . That in itself was home . She unzipped her bag and pulled out her radio , then turned on the tunes . Nichole put away all her clothes in the big closet and white dresser . She finished putting away all her other things , and finally she was done . This was a whole new life . She could start over here . No one would know who she really was at her old school . Nichole could be whoever she wanted . She could try to forget her past . Nichole walked to the mirror on the wall and looked into it . All she saw was the scar on her forehead . The knife and the blood tore at her memory , even after she shut her eyes . She shivered . Was the scar all people would see when they looked at her ? Nichole got a pair of scissors from the kitchen and before she could stop herself , strands of her long brown hair were falling to the floor . The hair that used to be long and fall in her face was now bangs that hid her scar perfectly . Now no one would ask her about it . After dinner Nichole grabbed a teal sweatshirt and made her way downstairs . At dinner Aunt Lynn had mentioned the horses in the barn and Nichole wanted to see them . Nichole had never thought the day would come where she , a city girl , would see a real horse on a real farm in the country . She pulled her sweatshirt tighter around her as she stepped out into the chilly evening . The sun had almost set and was smearing red and orange streaks across the fading blue sky like finger paint . Nichole reached the barn and heard the whinnying before she pulled open the red , rickety doors . They all looked at Nichole like she was an intruder , but she barely noticed because she was surprised by how huge they were . Nichole passed every stall and read the names on the stall doors . Redneck , Velvet , Elephant … well , her aunt and uncle sure had a sense of humor when it came to naming horses . Enter your e - mail below to receive ALL my future eBooks for free , plus 3 free eBooks instantly : Legit Work at Home Jobs , Finding Forgiveness ( a novel ) and a sample of Ashley 's Amish Adventures . PLUS the printable Book Launch and Marketing Checklist that goes along with my new eBook , Fearless Author . What email should I send the free eBooks to ? 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In 2004 I finally had enough ! My husband took off and went to Nebraska and left me home with the 2 miniature horses , burro , Sam ( big horse ) , dogs , and cats . He went to his son 's ( my step - son ) for 3 days . We have not been able to go on vacation since we got the miniature horses . I pointed that out to him when he bought them . . . but that did not matter to him at the time . He could not have gone if he did not left me at home to take care of the animals . While he was gone we had a storm . Around midnight I sat in this double wide with the wind blowing 100 miles an hour . It was hailing so hard that it actually put holes in our guttering for the first time in 22 years . The hail was hitting so hard that I thought it was going to break every window ! ! When the wind blows a double wide the house kind of shakes . The car was not in the garage and I could not move it in the garage . How it was not hail damaged had to have been a work of God . Many times the electric goes off with weather like that . He should have come home that night but he stayed one night longer . Needless to say I was pretty upset ! ! We went to eat at a local cafe the evening that he got home . As we were sitting there we were both giving each other looks that could kill each other ! ! He had his way and now things were to continue as before . The next day our son called me and said that his dad had come to see him and told him that he was thinking about getting a divorce ! ! My son thought it was funny and said he was trying to talk his dad out of getting a divorce . Here is a man that I caught with another woman when my son was 3 years old and he is going to divorce me . My husband was in his recliner sitting smug and stubborn . . . both of us still angry ! When my son called me and told me that . . it was just too much ! I went into the living room and I told him what our son said . His answer was . . . " Yes , I am thinking about it ! " My answer to him knocked him for a loop . I told him . . . " Let 's go for it ! I am sick of this relationship ! We will have an auction sale and split everyPosted by It took me ever so long to FULLY trust the Lord . Is it that just being human makes us want to be in total control of our life ? ? Giving up that control is hard to do . We think that the decisions that we make will make a difference with the inevitable . When I first married my husband he was constantly threatening to pack his clothes and leave . It worked for him because I would beg him not to leave . Not realizing it for a long time . . . he was a controller . He did things like that to get his way . He did a lot of pouting and fit throwing through out our marriage . It was either his way . . . or the highway . After about 10 years my thoughts were . . . you may as well leave now as do it when you are 50 years old . Even though I said that to myself . . . I still did not give God total control of my life . I was still trying to solve my own problems . We are all born with a sin nature . If it was not true we would not have to correct young children . A good example is like walking into the bedroom of a 3 year old and they have colored on their wall . When you ask them who did that . . . they blame it on their 9 year old brother ! I feel like we are all born with the knowledge of right and wrong . There are some that does not have a conscience . I know when I do something wrong ; but sometimes I have pushed my conscience aside . Not a good thing . I went into Wichita today and met my daughter . We went to Walgreen 's , garage sales , and ate lunch . We had a good time visiting . I forgot all about the walk for cancer ! ! My husband called me at 15 till 6 and asked where I was . I told him I was at Web and 54 . He said he was going on to the school . I told him I would feed the dogs and then be up there . I bought 5 raffle tickets and won a shirt within 15 minutes ! ! I just gave them all the money I had in my wallet $ 12 and bought more raffle tickets . I am not usually that lucky . I told them I was getting ready to leave . She said just put my phone number on the back . It is for a good cause . I am really tired tonight but yet here I sit on the computer ! Bill my step - dad did not call and let us know if he made it to Mo . I guess he did . Sometimes I call him but didn 't this time . I have no idea when he will be coming home . My husband got my step - dad 's lawn mowed , yard trimmed , and spread that dirt though out the yard . He said there was a lot of trash in that dirt . My step - dad can do some of the most stupid things at times . He does a lot of things just to get attention from the neighbors . I guess everyone does things like that when they get older ? ? We went to the walk for cancer at the local high school this evening . My son and his wife were volunteers . There was a lot of people there from our church . There was a tent for the church and a tent for the drug store where my daughter - in - law works . We had a good time . I am stuffed from eating brownies and pumpkin bread . BJ went with my husband to put the miniature horses up and let the dogs out . It was 11 p . m . by the time we got home . It is going to last from 7 p . m . until 7 a . m . in the morning . Our son and daughter - in - law will be exhausted . He will have to study for his sermon Sunday morning . James had his dad help him today set up . I can not believe the things that we have from garage sales and auctions ! ! ! We had one of those tent things , 4 metal real state signs to put up their signs , coolers , lawn chairs , and a sign that goes on and off that says . . . Walk & Don 't Walk . He gave the sign to them . Tiffany wanted it . They like unusual things . lolI had a lady stop and talk to me and I did not know who she was ? ? That is so embarrassing ! ! I asked Tiffany who she might be and I found out who she was . She had asked me to sing at the White Eagle Fest and then at the walk for cancer 4 years ago . So many people know me and I do not know them . It is from singing at different places . We went to church yesterday evening . Our son was going through Matthew . He showed part of a film first and then went through scriptures . It was about Jesus talking about things going into our mouth . He said it was not what went into our mouth but what came out of it . Seems like I am forever working on what I say . I can say something and some people misunderstand me ? ? I guess the expressions on my face confuses some also . . . so I have been told . Just the way I am . I seem to be able to read people so I must be studying them when I look at them . Gets me into a lot of trouble . Not really something that is good all the time . It helps me when dealing with people and knowing if someone likes me or not . . . but not everyone sees what I see . I have to keep still and just wait and see if I am correct . It is so easy to judge others . We should really try to see others just like they see us . What do others see about me . I am so tired tonight . Am a night person and really wish I was a day person . Father , help me to be what You want me to be and do what You want me to do . Amen My step - dad stayed in the hospital for 2 weeks . I was there twice a day . Two 60 mile trips a day . Then he went into the nursing home for another 2 weeks . I was there 2 times a day also . Within 1 month I lost 8 pounds . It is hard for me to loose weight . I was so stressed and my blood pressure started going up . The Lord has taught me a lot through my step - dad . I finally had to just let go of things to be able to be healthy myself . He was stressing me out something terrible . There were a lot of other things that I had to let go of also . How my mother passed away and what caused it . My daughter told the hospital that they could do an autopsy but my step - dad was saying no ! In not a very nice way . There are things that I wonder about ; but have let go of them . Yesterday is gone and I can not change anything . I knew what he was thinking when my mother passed away . He thought that he could start life over again . He had been secretly calling his daughter and even talking to his ex - wife a year and half before my mother passed away . He was calling her with a calling card . His daughter had not talked to him for years and did not call him dad . She even told him that he was not her dad . . . her step - dad was . He ended up with $ 27 , 000 missing . His daughter called him and said she wanted money for a new house . She told him if she didn 't get the money that she would never talk to him again . This was after he made a trip to see her in Washington D . C . I am proud to say that I do not owe my step - dad anything . In fact he owes me . I like it that way . I am just not a greedy person . He told me one time that he would let me sign my mother 's name on the deed of the house so he could sell it . I don 't think so ! ! ! I could care less about the house or anything that is in the house . I don 't owe him anything and he does not owe me anything . I did get upset because he would not let me have my mother 's boots . He wanted to give them to his niece ; no relation to my mother . He finally said I could have them . I did not want the boots after he got mad becausPosted by My step - dad had a brain tumor removed in the 80 's ; it was not cancer . The doctor told him that it could return in 5 years , 20 years , or what ever . I lost my mother December 27th and February 12 my step - dad has his first appointment to check out the brain tumor . He was so hard to deal with . He came first in everything . I told him that I would take him to doctor appointments . He knew that I was not a morning person but yet he would make his appointment for 8 : 30 in the morning ! ! I had to take out the 2 miniature horses and feed the animals before I could take him to the doctor . He made it very clear that he no longer even liked me . The doctor was not in any hurry to remove the tumor . He told him that it was a slow growing tumor . It was not cancer . It had taken 20 years for it to get this big . My step - dad was 78 years old and turned 79 that May . I took him to 20 doctor appointments . He had surgery April 17th . His younger sister came and helped me be with him in the hospital . I had to be at the hospital at 5 : 30 A . M . the day of surgery . I was going to be there early this next morning but our big horse , Sam got colic . I had to search for Sam . I could not find him . He was at the front of our property rolling ! ! Not a good thing ! I called the vet and by the time he got here Sam had gone to the east field . We went to look at him . I am five foot 1 and Sam was a huge horse . I had to hold him while the vet checked him . I thought he was going to pull my arm out of socket ! ! Then the vet had me walk him for 30 minutes to see if that would help . Then he told me to walk him to the west side of the field up to the front property in case he had to put him down . Sam was all scratched up with his hide wore off his eyes , hips , and shoulders . The whole time I was walking him to the front of our property I was crying . I felt like I was taking him on a death walk . The vet checked him and told me that he thought it best to put him down . His intestines were twisted . He might not make the trip to Kansas City and he was over 20 years old . Poor GPosted by True to my word we did not talk about things like again about my mother . I will not go there ! ! I am the only child that my mother had and he was not going to ruin my relationship with my mother . I looked back over the last year that she was alive and wonder if he treated her mean . I know that she told me that he had not talked to her for 3 days one time . When my daughter would go into her house , my mother would tell her . . . " You see that house over there ( looking out her kitchen window while sitting at the table ) if I was well enough I would rent that house . " The past can not be changed . We have to move on or the past will consume us with grief . The Lord told us that yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come . What we have is today . We should try to make the best of today . Things that we say can not really be taken back . Many times we look back at our lives and wish we could do things different . . . but we can not ! ! We can make today better . I feel like it is never too late to start over again . Confess our sins and move on to be a better person . I feel like that many nervous break downs are caused by not letting go of the past . I look back over my life and wonder why I did some of the things that I did . I think to myself . . . " Was I that stupid ? ? ! ! " All I can do is pray for the Lord to forgive me of the choices that I made in life and to help me to become a better person . If the Lord can forgive me then I should forget the past and move on . That evening just after loosing my mother at the hospital . . . we had my step - dad in our car . We stopped for all of us to eat at IHOP . He said . . . " Well I am glad that she is gone ! ! " Then he added . . . " Because now she does not have to hurt anymore . " He was real calm and cool at the hospital and sat watching all of us cry . He was just too calm ! It was like he was glad that she was gone and would not have to do anything for her again . When we finally got to my mothers . . . the first time to walk in and her gone ! ! ! ! My step - dad said to me . . . " Tomorrow when you come into town could you buy me some Vitalise ? I have not been able to wear it for years . " He could have knocked me over with a toothpick ! ! My mother could not smell some things . She had a breathing problem . It was the smile on his face that made me angry ! ! Here is a man that I had known since 1969 . . . the grandpa to my kids and my step - dad for 30 years ! ! He became a stranger to me within the next several years ? ? We buried my mother on Saturday . We drove the Blazer and the Van and had everyone together except my oldest son and his wife and daughter . On Monday I went to my step - dad 's and I made out thank you cards for the flowers . I off the wall made the statement that at times I thought mom was angry at me and I could not figure out why . He said to me ! ! ! ! ! ! " Your mother was jealous of you . She told me that if you and I had anything to do with each other , that she would disown both of us . " WHAT ? ? ? ! ! ! ! I did not say a word . I was in too much shock to even comment back to him . That day he insisted that I drive him 240 miles the next day to choose her headstone . I was not wanting to go . It had just snowed a couple of days earlier and it was in the month of January . I did not want to drive in snow . I went to his house the next day . He held my coat for me to put it on . I yanked it out of his hands ! ! I stuck my finger in his face and I told him : " We will NEVER talk about my mother again like yesterday ! She is gone and I refuse to talk about her that way ! " From then on there sePosted by Life is finally getting a little easier . . . but only through the help of the Lord . Over the last 8 years I have done a lot of growing . I have finally realized that we can not change a person , their actions , or their choices . . . even when it involves us ! ! Having faith that the Lord will take care of each situation in our lives and being still . . . which is sooo hard to do at times . Going to the Lord in prayer and letting Him wrap us in His arms and comfort us in our hour of need . I lost my mother 2 days after Christmas of 2005 . My mother would have been 80 in March . She had watched her mom die at 68 with cancer , my dad ( her ex - husband ) died at 69 with cancer , her brother died with a heart attack at 69 , another brother died in his 60 's with a heart attack , one brother died in a car wreck in his 40 's , and she had lost 2 step - brothers with cancer that were also in their 60 's . My mother was so scared of cancer and hurt for a long time before her death . My Granny had told her not to go to the hospital and let them operate on her . The minute that they opened up my Granny and my dad . . . they gave them 6 weeks to live . She refused to go to the hospital . The last year that my mother was alive . . . she could not hear that well . At the end she did not like for my daughter and I to come at the same time . She could not hear or understand what was being said . . . and felt like she was left out of the conversation . The day that my mother passed away ; my daughter and I was going to go see her . She wanted my daughter to come first and me come later . When I arrived my mother was sitting in the bathroom in a kitchen chair . . . it had rollers on it . She did not know that I was standing behind her . She told my daughter that I did not buy her pajamas at Dillards . . . that I had bought them at some other store . I motioned to my daughter that I had bought them at Dillards . On sale of course . My mother had lost water in her legs and she needed some new pajamas ! ! Her pajama bottoms were soaked . Christmas night her legs were soooo swollen ! ! She refused to go to the hospital ! ! I am sure that she must have died from massive heart failure . Finally I touched mom on the shoulder and she looked up at me . . . wondering if I had heard what she said about the pajamas . This was December 27th ; two days after Christmas . Everyone decided that I was to go to Wal Mart and buy her a pair of pajamas and my step - dad wanted me to go by and pay the electric bill that was due that day . While in Wal Mart my daughter called me on my cell phone and told me that my mother was bad and they had called the ambulance . I laid down the pajamas and ran out of Wal Mart crying with everyone looking at me . I arrived the same time they did . They had put her in the floor and my step - dad was screaming that they were not suppose to resuscitate her . . . really mean ! ! I guess him and my daughter had a few words when my daughter was screaming to call 911 . This was the wishes of my mother . . . to not go to the hospital . : ( This is what happened just the short time that I was gone . My mother slumped forward and died after choking . My daughter started screaming and crying while holding on to my mother . My daughter 's tears were falling on myPosted by Today my husband and I went to the Assistant Living . He taught the lesson , another couple read scripture , and I sang 2 songs . I sang : " Farther Along " and " I Can 't Even Walk " ( without You holding my hand ) . Everything went well . We stopped at Pizza Hut and ate lunch on the way home . I laid down for an hour . I have been so tired lately because of being a night person . I feel like making an entry but yet my heart is just not in it . Going to decorate Saturday turned out well . The weather was fantastic and traffic was great . The 7 headstone saddles , 13 flower pots , and 2 hanging baskets looked good . For the last 3 years I have made headstone saddles for my mother , dad , and grandparents . I had not made any for my husband 's mother or grandparents . His sister is kind of picky and I was scared that she would not like them . My husband told me to make what I wanted . I made one for his mother and another for his grandparents . His brothers told me how pretty they were . I am glad that I made them . I have decorated since loosing my mother . She use to do all the decorating . I am sure that she thought that I would not decorate after she was gone . I really do enjoy making each one . As I stand and make the flower arrangements . . . . many thoughts go through my mind of that special person . It gives me time to realize what a joy they were in my life . The flower arrangements that I made for 2 of my uncles . . . were the only thing that they received . I remember one of them bringing me milk for my 2 small children when I was single and struggling to make ends meet . I would come home to find a gallon of milk sitting on my porch . It was winter time . The other uncle bought me silly little items when I was growing up . Mom and daddy moved to Colorado when I was 3 years old . Everyone came out to Colorado to work . My Granny once again came to Colorado and got me . lol We rode home on the bus . I was asleep when the Catholic sister got on the bus . When I woke up and saw the Catholic sister ; I told my Granny that she was one of God 's angels and that was my Jesus on a Bible she had on her lap . The Catholic sister was real impressed with what I said . She asked Granny for my name and address . For 6 years this Catholic sister sent me coloring books , books , pamphlets , and many other things in the mail . She would write to me and my mom would read the letters to me . My mom wrote her back for 6 years . When we moved to Oklahoma my mother said that she did not tell the Catholic sister that we were moving . She said she was getting kind of tired of writing to her . I still have many of the things that she mailed me in a doll suitcase . This Catholic sister was an English Professor in Wichita , Kansas . She was from around Nowatta , Oklahoma . When I was in the 7th grade we heard that a Catholic sister got killed in a car wreck ; and we thought it was her . Something very strange happened in the 1982 . I moved in the Wichita area in 1975 . Since I thought that Sister Margret Treas had been killed in a car wreck I did not try to look her up . One day my mother called me and said that something kind of strange happened in the cafe where she worked . It was lunch time and normally they were really busy ! ! This black Catholic sister came in . Mom said she just looked kind of radiant . Something different about her . When the Catholic sister went to pay my mom mentioned that she had known a Catholic sister that wrote to me for 6 years . They talked for about 30 minutes . The Catholic sister told her to tell me that Sister Margret Treas was still praying for me . I also thought it kind of weird so I got on the phone and started checking . Only one Catholic sister knew her . She was in Wichita in 1979 . The Catholic sister sounded kind of strange . . . very hesitant to talk to mePosted by When I was about 6 months old my mother poisoned me with her milk . She got a job and wasn 't going to breast feed me anymore . One night she let me nurse . I was burning up with fever . The doctor said if they gave me one drop of milk it would kill me . My mother and father was living with my Granny . Mom said she begged Granny to get me well . My Granny feed me nothing but the water off of soaked toast . I know that was not the plan of God , for me to die . I am sure that my Granny did a lot of praying . Right before I turned 4 I got scarlet fever . Mom and daddy had been living in California at the time . We lived in a trailer court . Uncle Dink and Aunt Wanetta came also . Everyone was working . Granny came to California and took me back to Kansas with her . I would go any where with my Granny . Soon after she got me back to Kansas I got scarlet fever . I can barely remember . I remember when mom came back to Kansas that I fell in the floor when running to meet her . Granny said I could not walk and almost had to learn to walk all over again . My 7th grade principle told me that he lost his daughter ( same age as me ) with scarlet fever . I am sure that I would have died if Granny had not taken me home with her . We moved back to the town where my Granny lived when I was in the 9th grade . I graduated from that school . They had a contest that summer before I went into the 9th grade . My Granny 's sister 's daughter . . . Jane Ellen played the piano . So Aunt Mavis and Jane Ellen decided that Lynette ( 7 years old ) and I would enter the contest . haha ! Lynette sang a Elvis song and I sang the old Johnny Ray song . . . " Just Walkin In The Rain " . I remember my cousin saying that her fingers might not work . . . and I might be walkin ' in the rain ! ! lol My dad was pretty easy going but he was very upset that I was going to enter the contest . He said that I was going to make a fool of myself . Years later I realized that my dad was more than likely thinking about me singing in night clubs and etc . Being in the wild life ? ? I took 3rd place , the school band boys took first , and the banker 's daughter took 2nd doing a dance . Her music stopped while she was dancing but she finished her dance without the music . lolI hated music class in school . I could never sing with the other girls because I was a low singer . Maybe if I had gone to music I would have learned to harmonize or something ? ? When singing with a group I have to sing with the men . . . tenor . . I guess ? ? I use to sing in the gym after gym class for the girls . I would take my song books and they would want me to sing . We would have about a 10 or 15 minute break after gym . The gym teacher use to let me sing ? ? My mom found out that I was singing because she worked at the local drugstore with some older girls . The girls that worked at the drug store told my mom that the science teacher use to let them sit there and listen to me sing . I did not know that until later years . lol My mom 's boss was so funny . He was a pharmacist and he would have me come to the back of the drugstore and sing a song over his microphone . I was always so nervous doing that . lolI never sang anywhere for years but continued to sing with my records . I loved to sing . We moved about 6 miles from my Granny and I went to a different school . I went there 2 years . I was in the 7th and 8th grade . I loved to sing so when our music teacher told us that we could sing at our play in the 7th grade . . . well I said I would sing . I can still remember going to the mic and singing " Satisfied Mind " . lol I have a very strong voice . I sang a couple of lines with the mic and then stepped away from it and sang the rest . lol The kids laughed and I laughed too . Everything went real well and the kids applauded for me . The next year , 8th grade . . . my music teacher got a hold of me and said she wanted me to sing ! ! She played the piano for me . She wanted me to sing " Tumbling Tumble Weeds " ! ! I told her that the music was too high for me . She said that she would lower it for me . I did fine through practice . Well the day that I sang on stage I think she raised the song ! ! I was nervous because the lights were on in the auditorium . I don 't think the lights were on the year before . I could see all them kids out there watching me ! ! The first words of Tumbling Tumble Weeds is . . . " I 'm a roaming cowboy " ! ! Of course all the kids laughed ! ! I thought they were laughing at me . To make things worse . . . my voice went into a high pitch sound ! I ran off of the stage crying . My best friend went with me . I was in the bathroom crying so hard when my 8th grade English teacher came in to see about me . Mrs . White . She wore glasses and I remember her even crying with me . She hugged me and told me that she was going to get permission for me to sing in her play . Oh No ! ! ! No way was I ever going to sing again ! ! Never ! ! She said . . Yes you are . I will put a spot light on you and you will not be able to see the people in the audience . She got permission for me to leave my class for play practice . Our play was " Oklahoma " . The song that I sang was " Red River Valley " . She had about 4 boys sitting around a fake campfire day dreaming about their sweetheart back home . She had a spot light on me . . . and I kind of walked behind them . The play toPosted by Well there isn 't any way that I can be making comments on any journals right now . : ( I am on my old computer . Need to take my new one in and get it fixed even if I have to pay to get it done ! I am not that smart when it comes to computers . This old computer is soooo slow ! ! ! Back when I was growing up my family didn 't go to church . Once in a while I would go to church with the neighbors across the field . I remember this little girl that I went to school with in the second grade spent the night with me . She had a little gold pin that was attached to her slip with a safety pin . She was Catholic . I really liked the little pin . She explained to me that it was to protect her . lol She gave me her pin because she said she had another one . : ) I wore that little pin on my slip for a long time . My Granny was always singing . . . most of the songs she sang was gospel . I think just about everyone that was related to my Granny loved to sing . When I got older my Granny would want me to sing with her . She wanted me to sing lead and then she would harmanize with me . haha ! I can still hear her saying . . . Janie Marie you are singing with me ! ! When I was 12 we moved to Oklahoma where she lived . One time she got me up in church to sing with her . Oh my ! ! Again she said . . . Janie Marie you are singing with me . What a treat it would be to sing with her now . I think I could sing lead now . lolFor years I would sit and sing with my records . I would sit for hours singing . I was an only child and didn 't have that many friends . My dad would sing with me when we drove to my Grandma 's . I had all them books that had the words to the songs in them . My mother would just sit the whole time we were singing . Mother 's Day is this coming Sunday . I was in the kitchen doing something . . . ? ? The thoughts of my Granny came to mind . She was always like a second mother to me while growing up . I married a military man when I was 19 years old . I was an only child . I was gone away from family for 9 years . When my husband was sent to Okinawa I returned home to stay for 18 months . My Granny lived behind me on the other block . Soon her and my step - grandfather moved to a near by town 7 miles away . It wasn 't long until my Granny started getting sick . She had pain in her left side . In my mind I always thought that when she had a fall on her back porch and hurt her left side . . . that is what caused it . She changed doctors . He talked her into having surgery . After the surgery the doctor gave her 6 weeks to 6 months to live . She had cancer of the pancreas and colon . She was a very strong lady so therefore it took her longer to die . : ( She passed away the day before my birthday . Friday as I was standing in the kitchen thoughts of my Granny came to mind . She was 68 years old when she passed away . That is only about 3 years older than I am now . So young ! I remember thinking how old my Granny looked . She had the silver blue hair and was over weight . Needed to loose about 50 pounds at the most . She was a loving person and would feed anyone . When my step - grandfather lost his job she took in little old ladies to take care of . One little lady would have died if my Granny would not have taken care of her . She took such good care of them . She would wash their hair , fix it , and even give them a permanent . Thinking of her . . . I am thinking . . . did she feel as young as I feel ? ? I am sure that she did . She just acted different than I do . lolIt was very hard on my mother loosing her mother . Three months later her brother got killed in a car accident . Oh . . . how it hurt my mother ! Today I was getting ready for Mother 's Day tomorrow . I vacuumed the whole house . I wanted to do some dusting in case some of the kids came to the house . Not that they would mind . . . just wanted it to look half way good . My step - dad called and said that he had cooked some beans with ham and wanted to know if we wanted to eat with him . Hmmm I did not want to go . : ( Gary did not really want to go either . . . but we went . It seemed to just ruin and interfere with my plans . The next day it was Mother 's Day . I lost mom December 2005 . I set the table to eat beans and cornbread . I took 3 pieces of chocolate cake . Gary did not want any so I left them with my step - dad . I did the dishes and while standing at the sink I looked out the kitchen window that my mother had looked out . Looking at the plants coming up that she loved . As I washed dishes I was thinking of her standing at the sink . There was just a sadness in my heart . I was not wanting that feeling at this time and place . Not realizing that the place where the silverware goes in the dish washer . . . it was broken . The silver ware was falling through and I could not get the dish washer door to close ! The more I tried to close the door . . the worse it got ! ! ! I bruised up my hands and arms trying to fix it . I was so upset and my blood pressure was rising ! ! I was ready to tear the door off of the dish washer ! This was just not my plans for the day ! Beans usually upset my stomach . Why didn 't I just say . . . No tomorrow is Mother 's Day ! Went to church this morning . We had a missionary and his wife from India through Sunday School . The message was a great message . Told us that America had changed in the last 3 years and we need to stay strong as Christians . Soon we may be without our freedom of religion . My son and his wife gave me a necklace , ear rings , and bracelet . My daughter - in - law made them . They also gave me an orchid and card . My other daughter - in - law sent me a card . My daughter wanted to come out today but poor little Carlie is running 102 temp . We went ahead and stopped at the local cafe and ate breakfast before coming home . Later my step - dad came out to our house . I made some strawberries with sugar ; and served with angel food cake . He left at 5 : 30 . We had a lazy day watching old westerns . I had a wonderful Mother 's Day .

The drive back to Griffin was one of almost total silence and even the normal sounds of traffic seemed muted from inside the long black car as we left the big city behind . We all were lost in our own thoughts that must be processed and catalogued before we could talk about this entire happening , at least with the boys , and again I felt like I would be walking on eggs when and if they wanted to discuss their mother . I would have to think hard to find one redeeming grace that was left of the shell of Bubba 's lovely , carefree daughter , and Gene 's teenage bride . I knew , other than her needlework skills , I would be hard pressed to think of anything ' good ' I could share , and try as I may , I could not come up with any thoughts that might soothe these small boys . " Oh yes , " I reflected , " she was the mother of my handsome husband and these wonderful boys , " so at the very least that was the one thing for which I was grateful . Secure in the fact I had discovered the best thing to say when someone asked me about Helen , and I knew the time would eventually come ; I now had the perfect answer . Even before we reached the Agricultural Station right outside of Griffin , Gene and the boys were either asleep or had closed their eyes as if to try and forget these last two days had ever happened , and even Billy , with his head resting on mine , seemed deep in thought , or asleep . I felt like I would sound as if I were shouting in a cathedral if I tried to speak , so I just squeezed his hand softly to see if he was awake , and he immediately lifted my chin and kissed me on the lips and the forehead . I knew he would have plenty to talk about once we were alone , and I vowed to be ready to listen and do what I could to soften the grief that surely would follow the shock . All the way to Griffin Billy held me close to him , and as I laid my head against his broad shoulder , he laid his head against mine , and I knew regardless of the outcome of today , all was well between us , and that was the most important thing for me . It was dark bSome of Gene 's employees and church friends were at the house , and several were playing with Michael who seemed no worse for our absence . Once again , after offering their condolences and any assistance to the family , slowly they began to leave , one or two at a time , until the house was empty except for Gene , the boys , Billy , Michael , and me . I was , for the time being , the ' woman of the house ' , and it was a very uncomfortable feeling and a huge responsibility for one so young . Although I offered to fix some supper , everyone said they were not hungry , but since I was the only ' mother figure ' around , I insisted the boys at least eat a turkey sandwich and drink a glass of milk before they went to bed . Billy excused himself to change out of his uniform , but told me he would feed Michael when he returned . I only managed to kick off my heels before I busied myself in the kitchen . I cut large slices from the whole turkey that someone had brought to the house , smeared an entire loaf of bread with mayonnaise , and made a large platter of sandwiches . I then looked for the congealed salad I had seen pass through the house earlier since I knew all of the boys would like it , even Billy who had now joined me in the kitchen . First , he checked his son 's diaper , which was clean and dry , and then he sat him in his highchair while I cut up some pieces of turkey and buttered some bread for our son , along with a bowl of the gelatin mold filled with peaches , Michael 's favorite fruit . I felt sure as soon as everyone began to eat their appetites would return so I put the gelatin on the table , poured three tall glasses of milk , and a glass of coke for Billy . The boys , now in their pajamas , obediently joined us in the kitchen . They certainly did not make a liar out of me , and in no time at all the first plate of sandwiches was gone and I began spreading mayonnaise on bread to make more . Billy was eating with one hand while he attempted to prevent his son from throwing all of his food on the floor with the other , which was MichGene had disappeared towards the back of the house but I could make him a tray when he returned , and I knew if I put the food in front of him , he would eat it , even if he did not taste it . In the meantime , I poured more Coke for Billy and he thanked me with a kiss when I put it in front of him . I cannot say this was a typical meal with the boys since none of them was talkative , other than to tell me that these were good sandwiches , but I hoped with a few days away with their father in the mountains , they would return the same precious boys I had always known . All of a sudden , we heard glass breaking , and violent cursing coming from Gene , somewhere in the back of the house . With Michael strapped safely in his high chair , the rest of us rushed towards the boys ' room where the sound came from , and found Gene standing in the middle of the room with an open suitcase dangling by one handle clasped in his hand . He had found a half full bottle of bourbon in the suitcase , and in his anger had shattered it against the wall , and the smell of alcohol permeated the room as it dripped down the paneling onto the floor littered with shards of broken glass . Innocently he had been taking down the suitcase from the closet shelf to pack for their trip to the mountains when he found the half - empty bottle . I imagined , like my father , Helen had hidden bottles all over the house , and Billy and I would find even more before the week was over and we had finished cleaning out Helen 's personal belongings , per Gene 's instructions . I was a champion ' finder of bottles ' , having had so much practice . Unable to look at his sons , Gene told Billy to go get a broom , dustpan , and some wet paper towels , while I ushered the boys back to their sandwiches and milk . At first , they seemed glued to the floor , but I promised them a bowl of ice cream with fudge sauce once they finished eating , and they all obediently filed out and back to the kitchen . During our brief absence , Michael had taken the opportunity to smear his dinner all over his tray , his face , clothes , and in his hair , but shortly , he would have his bath , just as soon as I finished feeding his young uncles . After the excitement of the smashed bottle , the rest of the evening passed in relative silence , with everyone physically and emotionally too drained to converse . With Billy 's meal interrupted while he helped his father clean up the mess in the boys ' room , I made a tray of sandwiches and carried them to the den where both Gene and Billy were sitting in silence while the television played in the background , although I do not think anyone was paying much attention . It was a relief when I was able to excuse myself to bathe my son , and after I put him into his pajamas , I took him upstairs to the den to say ' nite - nite ' to his daddy , and Gene asked if he could rock him to sleep . Although Michael had long ago given up his bottle , he seemed to sense that his grandfather needed to hold him , so he did not try to cling to me as he usually did ; rather he held his chubby little arms out to Gene , who put him in his lap and began to rock . He did not sing to him as I did , rather he talked to the baby in a low , almost monotone voice as if he were telling him a story , although none of us could hear what he was saying . Obviously though , Michael , mesmerized by his grandfather 's soft whispers , in just a few minutes was fast asleep on Gene 's shoulder . Billy rose to take his son from his father 's arms and carry him to our bedroom , but Gene put his finger to his mouth and whispered , " S - h - h - h " as he rose and carried his only grandchild downstairs and gently tucked him into his makeshift bed . It seemed as if he was gone at least fifteen minutes , and when he came back upstairs , I thought I saw tears in his eyes , for the first time during the last two long days . " You know , " Gene said , still speaking in a soft voice , " life goes on , and the next generation steps up to the plate when our time at bat is over . He sure is a bright little boy , and someday maybe he will want to work in the store too . " Then , as if by magic his moment of melancholy over , without missing a beat , he was all business again as he sent the boys ofWe sat around in silence for about an hour , more listening than watching the television , when Billy rose , pulled me to my feet , told his father we were tired , and suggested that he too should call it a night , especially if he wanted to get an early start in the morning . Gene cut off the television and then , for the first time ever , he kissed me on the cheek and told me how much he appreciated my participation the past two days , especially the way I stepped in and took care of the boys . He then added if we found anything that either of us wanted that had belonged to Helen , to be sure to keep it . I really did not want anything of Helen 's . I had felt sorry for her , but certainly had not felt any semblance of affection . She had treated my son and me with contempt and pure hatred at times , and while I could grieve for the boys , I could not grieve for her . She was in a far better place now than the hell she had made for herself here on earth . I have always believed that our God is a forgiving God , so I felt she was safe in His arms now and no longer was she burdened with pain and sadness . For the first time I realized there were some people that were truly better off dead than alive , and Helen was one of them , since she obviously had not enjoyed her life here on earth , and had made so many other lives miserable too . I thought surely Billy would be exhausted from our seemingly never - ending day , and he would just take off his clothes and crawl into the bed , but no , he wanted me to shower with him , so of course I did . From then on there was no going back and we made love several times before we fell into an almost coma - like sleep . We both must have slept the sleep of the dead , as neither of us heard David come into the bedroom to retrieve a wide - awake and loudly protesting Michael . Gene had told the little boy to let us sleep , if we were not awake , and by the time we did get up , Gene had changed Michael 's diaper , fed him , and dressed him . He had found the diapers and folded stacks of clothes in the laundry room basket , and had done a very good job matching his grandson 's outfit . I guess I had never thought about how much of the responsibility he had borne when raising his own three youngest sons , but he knew just what to do and how to do it . Michael was happily playing with the boys while Gene was fixing everyone pancakes for breakfast . I offered to clean up the kitchen while he finished packing , and hoped beyond hope that no more bottles would turn up this morning to dampen the almost holiday mood . Thankfully , all went smoothly and by 10 : 00 a . m . , Gene and the boys , in Helen 's big station wagon , were pulling out of the driveway . Billy and I were now alone , with our son , in this big house , with a difficult task ahead of us , and a $ 2000 check for a car just burning a hole in Billy 's pocket . I did not know if he would finally break down while going through his mother 's personal belongings , with his brothers out of sight of his tears , but I was ready to console him to the best of my ability . With Michael contentedly watching cartoons on television , at least for a short while before he found something to get into , Billy , with that look of determination on his face that was so familiar , headed first for Helen 's medicine cabinet in the corner of the kitchen . We had so often watched her as she walked in the door from work , I left Billy working on his mother 's medication cabinet and , taking one of the brown bags , with Michael following close behind , I decided I would ' search ' the house for bottles . Once again , my experience would come in handy , but I doubted if Helen could be nearly as devious as my father could and I always found his bottles . I started in our bedroom , which was the least occupied now that Billy was gone , looked under the bed , in the closet , the cabinets in the bathroom and behind the curtains , only to find just one empty bottle in the top of the closet behind the extra blankets . Now she would have to have done better than that to test my skills ! I literally turned the room upside down since I knew without a consistent occupant , this would make a perfect hiding place ; even the maid did not clean down here regularly . It was then I found a box that at first glance seemed to be overflowing with family photos , and interested in looking through them to see if I could find any of Billy when he was young , I dragged the box out of the back of the closet . As I reached in , hoping to find albums filled with snapshots of my handsome husband taken when he was a baby , and during his childhood , of which I had none , I found the box to be a subterfuge ! Under the first layer of recent photos , even some of Michael we must have sent Gene , I found four full bottles of Four Roses bourbon , her favorite , and a half full bottle . Yes , this usually empty room had made a perfect storage space , and in the back of the closet , I found Billy 's old golf bag , and sure enough another bottle . Billy had not played golf , nor been interested or had the time since he was on the team in high school so again this was a perfect hiding place . Michael kept up a constant chatter while I searched , since he wanted to know what I was doing because it looked as if I was playing a game , and in a way , I was . I decided to make a game of it for him too , so I told him that his grandmother had left hidden treasures , and his Daddy and I were looking for them . SatiHere were stored all the old photographs , for real , school supplies for the boys , the projector , the camera , and cases of film . Billy noted he had not seen his father take any film in a long , long time , so he added the movie camera to our ' stash ' , but all the unused film was out - of - date . I thought Billy was already beginning to stretch his father 's generous offer of allowing us have anything of Helen 's we could use , but decided to say nothing . If his father asked , I felt sure Billy would bring it back , but Billy thought Gene would not even miss it , and he was right . We tossed the film in the bag for empties and concluding our search in the cabinets found only one old full bottle of Scotch , so we presumed this belonged to Gene since it was not really ' hidden ' , nor was Scotch the drink of Helen 's choice . We left it there and moved on to the living room , but not until I checked under the sofa , behind the drapes and all the large furniture . Billy dug into his father 's recliner , and came up with a handful of change and Michael thought that looked like great fun , so Billy removed the cushion and let Michael 's little hands get down into the nooks and crannies of the well - worn chair . In all , I think we found just over $ 6 . 00 in change and decided to add that to Michael 's piggybank since he had found most of it . Obviously , the boys had never thought to look for it since they rarely did without anything material . There was nothing else to search in this room , and nothing else was found , so we poured out the bottle with just a small amount in the bottom of it and moved on to the living and dining rooms . These two rooms were nicely furnished , and like at my parent 's house , they looked rarely used . I thought it a waste of a huge amount of space , but I felt sure when Gene bought this house , he had planned to do a lot of entertaining , and of course with Helen 's alcoholism , this never happened either . So here were these two large rooms , filled with the nicest of furniture looking brand - new , though a bit out - of - date . Now here was a place where we might meet with more success . Amazingly , Michael found the first bottle , quite innocently ; when he pulled back the long drapes to look outside . We found another two full bottles hidden behind the drapes in the dining room and another empty in the dining room cabinet filled with sterling and china . Billy asked me if I wanted any , but I knew that would not be right , and we did not entertain formally in our small apartment anyway , so I told him to leave it there . Also his mother had given us six place settings of sterling as a ' pseudo ' wedding gift , but she must have gotten a real ' deal ' on it since already it was no longer being made . Now that he had found a ' treasure ' , Michael was really into the ' game ' and moving to the living room ; he pulled back the drapes and found two more bottles . Like my father , Helen was not going to run out of bourbon anytime soon ! Both bottles were open , so we poured the contents down the drain . I could not believe how many bottles we had already found and not even searched but 2 / 3 of the house ! Billy opened the coat closet door in the front hallway and took down his mother 's mink stole and putting it around my shoulders said . " This is yours now . " You have more than earned it for putting up with her . " He then gave me a quick kiss before he turned back to the closet . I really did not want the stole since I had only seen the wives of General officers and Colonels wearing mink , never a lieutenant 's wife ! I was far too young to wear fur , and I would feel far too conspicuous in it , but Billy insisted we take it with us , so I did , thinking that perhaps I could give it to Bubba later . I knew I could never wear it , even when Billy did become a Colonel , because it had belonged to Helen . I was the last person on earth she would have given it to , and it felt like a suit of armor over my shoulders . No , this was not for me , and I was sure Bubba would welcome something that had belonged to her daughter , even though she had her own fur . There were no bottles in that closet , not even in the top , so we moved on to the boys ' room where Gene had found the partially empty bottle just last night . The room still smelled faintly of bourbon , but by the time Gene returned home the odor would be gone . There were three closets in this room , one for each boy , so while I searched the bottom , Billy searched the top . We opened boxes and suitcases , and neither of us felt like we were snooping - we were just following Gene 's orders to rid the house of Helen 's presence , and the first thing to get rid of would be her hidden bottles . We found nothing in the first closet , which belonged to Charles , except some old chicken bones , probably hidden there by a hungry little boy , so we moved on to the second . We worked in tandem again , Billy on the top shelf and me on the floor , and again we found two more bottles . One was inside a case that we had no idea what it had originally contained , and one was just stuck in the far back of the closet behind stacks of baseball shoes , bats , and other little boy paraphernalia . I wondered then if her sons had ever found her bottles , but due to the shock Gene felt on finding the first one , I doubted if any of them had ever thought to look . Gene knew Helen had a way of getting the alcohol , and as hard as he tried to keep her from it , he could not win , so I think he just gave up . Helen had charge accounts in every store in Griffin , and Gene never gave her any cash . However , as alcoholics will do , she would make a purchase and find some reason to bring it back , and insist on a cash refund , thus filling her pockets with enough money to purchase her bourbon . Since Gene did not want the ' secret ' of his wife 's drinking to run rampant through the small town , as if it had not anyway , he would not humble himself to tell the clerks just to credit his accounts and not give her the cash . Even if he had , she would have found another way , even if she stole money from the store . Alcoholics in need of a drink will use any subterfuge to gaiThe third and final closet that belonged to Dickie , the oldest , was empty of bottles , but now the boys had their shoes and other belongings neatly in place instead of just thrown haphazardly on top of the others . I could not bring myself to leave them the way we had found them ; rather I organized as we searched , although I was well aware they would not stay that way . Finally , we looked under the four twin beds , behind the curtains , but once again found nothing . We then moved on to Helen 's bedroom , which I had been dreading with the thought she had died in this room . I would never have gone into that room by myself , but Gene had the old mattress removed right after they took her away . Now a brand new box springs and mattress was on the bed , no sheets , no spread , so I decided to make up the bed for Gene so he could finally sleep in his own room when he returned . The maid was coming on Friday , but Billy and I were leaving for Atlanta after we let her in and showed her the things we had set aside for her and her church , but it would not hurt me to make up the bed . Actually , I think I was just stalling opening her closet , dressing table , and chest - of - drawers . This room had been her domain , and until today , I had never set foot inside it . I looked for the linen and found it in a huge linen closet in the hall where I also found stacks and stacks of brand - new towels of every color imaginable ! Calling Billy , I stepped back to show him the excessive amount of towels , and he decided we could use some , and again his father would never be the wiser . He took eight matching sets of washcloths and towels , after he asked me to choose the colors , although I was not too sure Gene would not miss them , but I also knew I could not change Billy 's mind , so I kept quiet . Sometimes now , I think perhaps I should have said something , but as events unfurled at that time , I was glad I did not . Little did we know that Billy 's ' golden calf ' was about to turn to stone ! He finished the linen closet since I could not reach into the upper shelves and , as expected , he found no bottles there . Michael did find two more behind the lush drapes in the bedroom , and I could not help but laugh at his delight in being such a good helper . Both of these bottles were not only full but looked brand - new , so they joined the others we had put in a cardboard carton since now there were far too many for a paper bag . We would gain quite a bit of cash if we could return them . It was such a simple , but effective hiding place - behind floor - length draperies ! My father had often used the drapes as his hiding place , and even with short curtains , he would place the bottles on the windowsills . Who would think to look there , except perhaps another alcoholic , or his or her families . Now it was time to tackle her personal belongings , I certainly did not look forward to this job , since I knew everything I would touch , she had touched , and for some reason I felt strange about that . I began with the dressing table and tossed used makeup into our trash bag , but I kept the barely used perfume - most of it the real thing , and not cologne - and the unopened cosmetics . Helen 's complexion had not been as fair as my own , but during the summer , I thought perhaps I could use the makeup or even give it to my mother or my aunt . We had half a bag filled with unopened cosmetics , including those Billy found in the bathroom , and I decided obviously everything Helen did went far beyond necessity . I then opened her large jewelry box , filled with name brand costume jewelry , and I knew I could use these accessories for my social obligations as an Army officer 's wife . I also decided I could use her hats and gloves since I had only one hat and two pair of gloves , both white , one short , one long . Hats and white gloves were required at many events , especially parades , so these I would definitely use . I had never seen Helen wear a hat , not even on that unpleasant Easter Sunday , and many still had the tags on them - perhaps tThen I found Helen 's pearls . Gene had just given her a three - strand necklace of cultured pearls the previous Christmas , and I now had them in my hand . I had thought Billy 's father kept all of her ' real ' jewelry in the store 's safe , but I was holding what looked like the pearls I had seen her put on after opening the box . I asked Billy if we should give these back to his father , but he told me to keep them since Gene had said I could have anything I wanted or could use , but this was different , something very valuable , or so I thought . I continued to remain suspicious about Helen keeping this valuable a necklace at the house , so I put a pearl in my mouth and with my teeth scraped it a bit and exposed the bead under the nacre - these were NOT her real pearls ! Had Gene just ' fooled ' Helen , or had she turned the real ones in for cash ? On the other hand , had Gene taken the real ones back , or kept them in the safe and left these at the house for her to wear ? Knowing her propensity for returning items for cash , and the amount she could obtain by returning the pearls that just might be the case . I did not feel I could ask Gene since either way he would be embarrassed or upset , but I felt better about putting them in my bag of things to keep . Without actually scratching the bead , no one would know if they were real or not since they were expensive ' fakes ' . Eventually , years later , I would have my own ' real ' pearls , and every time I wear them , I think of that moment . I added her hosiery and under garments to the bag of trash , not wanting to give away such intimate apparel , but kept a beautiful , filmy gown and negligee set that still had the price tags on it , and was the exact shade of blue as my husband 's eyes . I thought I would wear it for him the first night we were home and once again had a bedroom to ourselves ! Now to tackle the closet and I knew Helen had plenty of expensive dresses and suits since I had never seen her wear the same thing twice ! I was right ! The closet was so full I had a hardThere was one other closet in the master bedroom that belonged to Gene , but I thought we should not even open that one . Always curious though , Billy just had to get a look behind those doors , and when he opened them , he found a magnificent double barrel shotgun , and he just HAD to have it ! I asked him why he even needed it since he was not a hunter , but he just said he needed it because he wanted it , and he added this to our ' stash ' . We did not disturb Gene 's chest - of - drawers since we knew there would be nothing of Helen 's in there , and I thought the temptation for Billy might be too great if he found something else he wanted ! I was beginning to think I had married a ' thief ' , although only with his own parent 's possessions ! With just one more chore before we left in the morning , Billy called the minister of the First Baptist Church and told him we had a box ready for him to pick up , while I dumped the water out of all of the fresh flowers that had come to the home . Most of the arrangements were beginning to wilt anyway , so I threw away the flowers and nearly all of the vases , keeping three . Too late , I thought perhaps we could have combined the still fresh flowers and taken them to the hospital or a nursing home , but Billy was anxious to finish and go to Atlanta to buy his new car ! The minister said he could be there about 4 : 00 p . m . , and it was now past lunchtime , so I quickly fed Michael while Billy cleaned himself up a bit . He then changed Michael 's , by now dirty diaper , and put him into clean clothes , since we had all gotten filthy cleaning out closets and cabinets . While Billy took care of his son , I went to the bedroom , washed up , put on some clean shorts , and pulled my hair back into a neat ponytail . As I put on a bit of lipstick and mascara , the girl who looked back at me from the bathroom mirror certainly did not look old enough to be married and have a child of her own , much less accomplish all I had in the past three days . I may have looked young , but inside , my soul was old , and it had been since I was about eight years old and decided I was the only adult who lived in my house . Now I had someone to look after me , and I thought we both did a remarkable job of taking care of each other . I sprayed a bit of perfume on the insides of my wrists and behind my ears , and then joined my husband and my son . Billy gathered up the boxes of full bottles , and if I remember correctly , there were now about nine of them . We left for Helen 's favorite liquor store hoping to collect a ' windfall ' of cash refunds , although I had no idea how much a bottle of bourbon cost ! Parking in front of the store , Billy carried the first box of bottles inside while I waited in the car with Michael , thinking a liquor store was not an appropriate place to take a two - year - old . I watched as Billy gestured angrily at the box of full bottles and at the car , presumably referring to the second box . Finally , I saw the clerk reluctantly open the cash register and begin to count out the bills one at a time while Billy retrieved the carton from the car . After he collected the money , recounting it carefully , I could barely wait to ask him if he had any trouble . " Just a little bit until I told the man he should be ashamed he sold my mother the bottles , and I felt sure he was well aware of her condition and it was his alcohol that had killed her ! " Of course , Billy did not really think that was true , he still had the idea his father strangled her , but the ruse worked , and the man felt guilty and gave him the cash . There was over $ 120 . 00 , so we celebrated our sudden wealth and went to our favorite restaurant for a late lunch or early supper , and Billy ordered his favorite , the most expensive item on the menu , fried shrimp . He had worked hard , his heart had broken over , and over again that morning , so I thought he deserved to have anything he wanted , even two servings if he was that hungry . I ordered a small filet mignon with béarnaise sauce and a child 's plate of shrimp and fries for Michael . We would not be hungry again before bedtime and I was too tired to even think about cooking supper , although the house was full of prepared food . There were still over a dozen untouched casseroles , and I had covered them with foil and put them in the freezer , leaving a note for Gram , since she and Poppa would be coming to Griffin to take care of the boys wI felt sure Gene did not plan to stay long in the mountains , only long enough for us to clean out the house , but Gram and Poppa would be arriving from Atlanta on Friday , this was already Wednesday , and I am sure they hoped to stay only until Gene could make arrangements that were more permanent . I did not want Gram to have to cook that first week while she became acclimated to feeding so many mouths once again , so I knew the casseroles would come in handy . I was more than anxious to get out of Griffin . Our emotions were overwrought , and we were both exhausted after we finished fulfilling Gene 's request as quickly as possible . Frankly , I wanted my husband all to myself , if only for a weekend before he returned to work ! Selfish , perhaps , but I was also having nightmares , and every night I was waking up in a cold sweat as the image of Helen in her casket continued to haunt me . Surely , I thought , once we were back in our own small apartment , away from Griffin I no longer would have this disturbing interruption to my sleep . Little was I to know that until an even more horrible image replaced this one , I would continue to dream about Helen in her pink shroud and expensive casket as she clawed at the glass that entombed her ! We arrived back at the house just minutes before the minister came to pick up the box destined for the church , and while he and Billy talked , I took Michael inside for a bath . After we put our tired little boy to bed , Billy and I took a long , hot shower , once again using all the hot water , and this time there was no one who would need it after us ! We actually made love in the shower that night , although I really cannot remember how we managed , but when Billy wanted something badly enough , he always managed ! Since I had not been fulfilled by these awkward manipulations , Billy slowly and tenderly took me to the moon several times once we got in the bed , and by then we both were so tired we did not even awake until we heard the maid running the vacuum ! What day was it ? What time was it ? We needed to get on the road to Atlanta and look for a new car ! All of us had slept later than usual ; even Michael who had worn himself out running through the large empty house as he excitedly enjoyed our ' treasure hunt ' . After a hurried bowl of cereal , it was almost 11 : 00 a . m . before Billy had the car packed , and this time it was full from trunk to backseat , from floor to ceiling . There was only a small space on the seat for Michael to nap ; otherwise , I do not think we could have squeezed one more thing inside . We were all dressed and ready to leave and Michael , as always anxious to ride in the car , was so excited I had a hard time keeping him still long enough to change and dress him . With Gene 's check tucked firmly in Billy 's billfold , and our unexpected windfall from the full bottles of bourbon we had returned , we were excited and more than ready to get on the road to shop for our new car . I had thought the maid would not be in until Friday , but ' Mr . Gene ' had asked her to come in on Thursday so all would be clean when his mother and father arrived the next day . Actually , this worked out better since there were several things I needed to go over with her , rather than leave lengthy notes . While Billy packed our car , to include the new cooler , packed with meats , I asked her to thoroughly vacuum and wipe clean all of Helen 's drawers and closets . I also showed her the huge box of clothing I had set aside for her , or her church , and she was very grateful we had thought about her at all . She assured me she would have the house sparkling like new and would even wash the inside of the windows since no one knew when last they were done , and agreed to wash the curtains that were not dry clean only . Bored by my instructions to the maid , Michael and Billy went outside and played with old Fella ' , who had been mostly ignored all week , except for his nightly meal . Billy had reminded me to ask the maid if it would bother her to feed the old dog , and she said she usually did it anyway , so it was no additional work for her . " Besides , " she said , " he is a good ol ' feGram then asked if Billy was there , and when I told her he was outside playing with Michael and the dog , she said that was just as well since I could probably tell him this news better than she could . She continued by saying that somehow Bubba had found out Billy and I were getting rid of all of Helen 's belongings , and said she never ever wanted to see or hear from Billy again ! Although Gram had tried to explain to her he was only following his father 's instructions , Bubba was not satisfied with that explanation . She wanted Gram to tell us the next time she saw or talked to us that we would never be welcome in her home , not ever again , and as far as she was concerned , Billy was ' dead ' to her ! Gram tried to assure me she would soon forget , and as her grief lessened , all would be forgiven , but I could not overlook what she said about Billy being ' dead ' to her ! I told Gram that was a horrible thing to say about anyone , particularly her own grandson , she agreed , but also told me something I did not know , that Bubba had been a fiery redhead when she was young , and Helen 's unpleasant disposition had been inherited from her mother . Now that was something I never would have thought , but I had learned a lot this week , and most of it I would have been quite happy never knowing . Gram told us to have a safe trip , and I thought it best not to mention we would be in Atlanta today , but rather she found out about the car from Gene , just in case she slipped and told Bubba . I knew that Bubba would think Gene had paid us off for doing his dirty work , and that a car was so important to Billy he could erase his mother 's existence in this house with no qualms whatsoever . I doubted if she would ever think perhaps it would not benefit the little boys if they came home to a house filled with their mother 's belongings , as if she would be coming home soon , and that I thought this had been Gene 's reason for asking us to clean out her things . I told Gram we would see her at least by Thanksgiving , if she wanted us , and sheAfter we hung up , I collected some small packages Billy had left behind , and told the maid we would not be back that evening , so to let herself out - and then I asked her if Gene had paid her . She assured me he left the check every week and not to worry . As we piled into the old car for the very last time , it was almost nostalgic , but not as much as it had when we traded in the old Ford that Billy drove on the night we had our first date . We had spent so many love - filled moments , both at the copper mine , and necking on Crown Mountain in that old car , but this old car too had its own share of memories . It had carried our newborn son home from the hospital , and had seen its share of our love and even some tears , but I still could not believe we were finally getting a brand new car ! Once we were on the road , Michael promptly fell asleep , without asking for even one song , he was so tired from his late morning romp with his daddy and the old dog . I then told Billy about my talk with Gram , and at first , he was very quiet . I knew he had to be upset since Bubba had always played such a large part in all of their lives , and Billy had undoubtedly , even to the anger of her own sons , been Bubba 's ' favorite ' grandchild . I could tell he was trying to assimilate the message , and his brain was working overtime as he thought about what Gram had said . In just a few minutes , he pulled me over next to him , and with his arm over my shoulders and a squeeze , he said , " As long as I have you and my son , I don 't need anyone else - I really don 't . I don 't know how I made it before I met you , little girl , and I do love you more than life itself . " " Oh Billy , my darling Billy , " I said as I kissed his hand and held it to my cheek , " It makes me very happy we are your world , and I know you don 't think so now , but soon you will miss your grandparents . " I tried to reassure him that Bubba had spoken in haste and grief , and I thought , correctly , as it turned out , after she got over her anger , she would miss both her gra [ Foreword ] [ Contents ] [ Prologue ] [ Chapter 1 ]

Author 's Note : This is a fanfic for the movie Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Scull , and it takes place in 1958 , almost a year after the movie ends . I wasn 't overly fond of the movie , especially compared to the first three , but I did love the idea of Indy having a son , which is what this story focuses on . This was written for The Little Spanko 's Prompt Challenge . I picked the prompt ' Accident ' . Mutt anxiously watched the clock , willing it to go faster and end his torture . He 'd been such an idiot to agree to go back to High School . School was a major drag , and his English class was the worst of the worst . His teacher started droning on about the symbolism in Moby Dick , and Mutt fought the urge to lay his head down on the desk . No doubt if he did , the old bat would rat him out to the principal , who would rat him out to his father . Mutt sat up a little straighter in his chair when he realized what he 'd just done . He 'd just casually thought of Indiana Jones as his father . It had been roughly nine months since he 'd found out that Indy was his biological father , but knowing it , and feeling it , were two very different things . He tried to pinpoint the moment he 'd started feeling as if Indy was his father , but couldn 't . It wasn 't while his mother and Indy had been dating . That had been an awkward two months for all of them . Marion and Mutt had moved into an apartment close to Indy 's house almost immediately after getting back to America , specifically so that Indy and Mutt could get to know each other . But when Indy would come over to visit with Mutt , Mutt often found reasons not to be home , in an attempt to avoid talking about school . So Indy had ended up spending more and more time with Marion instead . It wasn 't during the whirlwind four months that Marion and Indy were engaged . Mutt was sure of that , because his mother had specifically asked Mutt to start calling Indy ' Dad ' . He 'd done it for her a few times , but the word sounded wrong every time it fell from his mouth , and he tried to avoid addressing the man at all . He 'd gotten a job at a local auto shop , and worked as much overtime as possible to avoid everyone . It wasn 't the day Indy had married his mother , though that had been a good day . Mutt didn 't think he 'd ever seen his mother so happy . Once the reception was winding down , Indy had taken Mutt aside . He 'd told him gruffly , " Look kid , I 'm your father by birth , and now I 'm your father by marriage too . I 'm going to do my damnedest to be a real parent to you . Not because of any obligation , but because I want to . I want us to get to know each other . " Indy had pulled the unsuspecting boy into a quick hug , and added , " When your mother and I get back from our honeymoon next week , we 'll talk about school . " Mutt considered that day again . It had been a turning point of sorts . That was the day that Mutt decided to start giving Indy a chance , instead of just avoiding him . It wasn 't the day Mutt had agreed to go back to school . He scowled . Their talk about school hadn 't gone well at all . Caught off guard , Mutt 's forkful of eggs stopped halfway to his mouth . He knew this talk was coming , but his mom and Indy had just arrived home from their honeymoon last night . " You wanna talk about that now ? " Mutt had been thinking about it for the past week . He didn 't want to go to school again , but he did want to get to know Indy , and didn 't want to start things off with a huge battle of wills . He 'd decided a couple of days ago that he was going to be the bigger man , and give in without an argument . He figured he owed Indy that much since the man did help him save his mother and Oxley . With a reluctant sigh , he said , " I thought about it while you were gone , and I 'll do it . I 'll study for a few weeks , and take the test to get my GED . " Mutt was too shocked to speak for a few seconds . He 'd been expecting smiles , nods , and maybe even a thank you from the man , not a dismissive ' no ' with an order attached . Once he finally found his voice , it was louder than usual . " Where do you get off ? You can 't order me around ! " " Unbelievable ! " Mutt tossed his fork onto his plate . " I was trying to start things off right ! I was trying to be nice by agreeing to get my GED ! I didn 't even want to do that , but I was willing ! Now you can forget it ! " Mutt blushed with embarrassment . It was bad enough that she used his actual first name , but hearing his middle name too , meant she was really irritated . " Moooom , " he complained as he sat , " You know I hate it when you call me that . " " Listen kid , " Indy said , " getting your GED isn 't the same as getting a diploma . People don 't see those as equal . You 're only twenty , and you just dropped out of school last year . Jefferson High School is only six blocks from our house . You could enroll today , start classes tomorrow , and graduate with the rest of the class in four months . " Indy sipped his coffee and said , " I know for a fact that they will . They 'll count your credits from last year towards this one just like a regular transfer student . I contacted the principal , Mr . Kallen , a couple of weeks ago to explain the situation , and he assured me that " " No Mom ! " Mutt said , turning his anger towards her . " Don 't tell me to lower my voice ! He went behind my back before you guys were even married ! Did you know about this ? " " Hey ! " Indy 's voice boomed out in the room , startling both Mutt and Marion . Indy pointed a finger in Mutt 's face , and said , " Don 't you dare raise your voice to your mother . " Mutt rolled his eyes at the ridiculous threat . He thought , ' You and what army ? ' but he kept the comment to himself , because he knew that Oxley would have reprimanded him for the same thing if he 'd been there . Turning to face his mom , Mutt said sincerely , " Sorry Mom . " " Thank you , " Indy said . " For the record , I wasn 't trying to go behind your back . I just wanted to know what your options were before I talked to you , because I know it 's a touchy subject . None of the other kids would even know you missed a year . You 'd be like any other transfer student . " " You don 't need a job , you need to focus on school . " Indy gestured to the house around them and said , " You have a home here with us for as long as you want . I inherited this house from my father , and someday you 'll inherit it from me . " Mutt was too surprised to comment . He 'd never considered inheriting anything from Indy , so finding out he 'd inherit the house someday left him speechless . Indy shared a smile with Marion at the expression of wonder on the boy 's face . He said , " Your mother and I want you to live here with us for at least a couple of years , so that you and I can get to know each other . " Mutt nodded . They 'd had that conversation right before the wedding , and they 'd all agreed . She spoke over his protest . " The last school you went to was a private school , and I paid for a full year of tuition . But because you dropped out before the term was over , I didn 't get any kind of refund . " " You didn 't ? " Mutt played with the edge of the tablecloth anxiously . " Why didn 't you tell me ? " Mutt glanced at the clock . Still five minutes left of his English class , before he was free for the weekend . He was scheduled to work all day Sunday , but he enjoyed working at the auto shop , so he didn 't include that as part of his servitude . He used to work all day Saturday and Sunday until his father had had a casual conversation with his boss about how much homework Mutt had . With a deep frown , Mutt realized he 'd just thought of Indy as his father again . He 'd been attending Jefferson High for a little over three months now , and sometime during those three months , he 'd stopped thinking of the man as ' Indy ' in his head . He wondered if it had happened last month , when his parents went on an adventure without him . Oxley had sent Indy a letter with map coordinates , and nothing else . Indy had excitedly shown it to both Marion and Mutt . The coordinates led to somewhere in Egypt , and Indy was anxious to find out what was there . He told Marion to pack a bag so they could leave that night . " What about me ? " Mutt had asked while his mother went to pack . Nothing made him feel worse than getting left behind . Mutt had scowled and crossed his arms . Indy had been threatening him with a spanking at least once a week since that first time , and Mutt had come to realize it wasn 't an actual threat . When Indy said it , it was the same thing as his mother using his middle name during an argument , or Oxley pursing his lips and using the phrase ' that was uncalled for young man ' . It was Indy 's way of letting Mutt know that he was unhappy . The thought of his parents doing that still made Mutt slightly uncomfortable , and he squirmed in his desk chair . Only one minute to go before the bell rang . He heard the kids around him shuffling their papers , and getting ready to make their escape . The instant the bell rang , Mutt was on his feet , and out the door . He dutifully went to his locker and got the books he 'd need for his homework , and then headed for home . While he was walking , he decided that the week his parents had been in Egypt could have been the turning point for him . That week he 'd started referring to them as his ' parents ' instead of ' my mom and Indy ' when people asked where they were , to avoid awkward explanations . Now he wondered if saying it repeatedly out loud might have been a catalyst for him to start thinking it as well . By the time Mutt got home , he decided this was a good change . He liked thinking of Indy as his father . The man was gruff and bossy towards Mutt , but now Mutt could see the underlying affection in that , and Indy was always kind and loving towards Marion . Indy was the kind of man Mutt would like to be someday . He was successful in his chosen profession , he was confident in his actions , and his friends were loyal because they knew he was a man of his word . Mutt opened the door and said , " Mom , I 'm home . " Getting no response , he looked at the side table next to the door and found a note from his mother . She was doing the grocery shopping . Mutt went to his room and dumped his backpack on the floor . Thinking about all the homework he had to do that weekend put a scowl on his face . He gave the backpack a little frustrated kick . It wasn 't that he was incapable of doing the work . It wasn 't even that the work was difficult . He just hated the time he lost while doing it . He especially hated doing homework when it was something he 'd done before . He 'd read Moby Dick two years ago on his own , and he 'd discussed it in length with Oxley . Now he was going to have to waste a perfectly good Saturday writing an essay about something he already knew . But if he didn 't do it well he didn 't want to go there again . Two weeks after he 'd started school , he 'd spent the weekend hanging out with new friends , and didn 't make the time to do any of his homework , even though there were three assignments due on Monday . He was more than a little surprised Monday night when Indy had come home angry , and barked at him to go to his room so he could talk to Marion alone . Not knowing that the upcoming conversation was going to be about him , he 'd left them alone to work things out . He blushed at the memory of what had happened after that . Indy glared at him , and said , " It 's what you didn 't do that 's a problem . I got a call from principal Kallen . You didn 't turn in any of your homework today ! " " Yeah ? " Indy said , " Then maybe you should start acting like it . A man doesn 't sulk and refuse to do the right thing just because he doesn 't want to , that 's something a child does . " Mutt looked her in the eye and said , " I 'll do my best from now on . No matter how much I hate school , I 'll do my best . I promise . " With a sigh , Mutt shook his head to get rid of that shameful memory . He got his books out , and laid them out on his desk , but didn 't sit down . He decided he needed a snack before he could endure the torture of an essay on Moby Dick . While he was eating a piece of toast , he wandered over to the table by the front door to look through the mail . He got a letter from Oxley every week , and it usually came on Fridays . He found a letter with Oxley 's return address , but the envelope was addressed to ' Henry Jones ' , not ' Henry Williams ' . Frowning , Mutt held the letter up to the light , to try and see through the paper . Oxley almost never wrote letters to Indy , unless it was a lead on an artifact . Mutt shoved the rest of the toast in his mouth , and held the letter in both hands . He despised the thought of his parents going on another adventure without him , especially while he 'd be stuck in school . Mutt examined the back of the envelope , to see how well it was sealed . He looked at the front again , and only concentrated on the ' Henry ' part of the name . He thought , I could say it was an accident . Tell them I thought it was for me . Tell them I only noticed the Henry part , and didn 't realize it wasn 't for me until I started reading it . I hope this letter reaches you swiftly , because I don 't know when I 'll be near a phone . Our mutual friend , Joseph Marlow , has been searching for the Seal of Solomon since the day he heard your father 's theories about it . And if your father 's theories are to be believed , we do not want that ring getting into the wrong hands . Unfortunately Joseph either got too close , or he succeeded in finding it , because he is missing . A week ago I met with Joseph in Israel , per his request , to help him in his search . But I didn 't get the chance to speak with him about it , because three Russian men were following him when he arrived . He confided in me that he was afraid for his life , and I provided a distraction so he could escape them . He agreed to meet me later that same day , but he never came , and I fear the worst . Joseph had a house in Ohio , half a day 's drive from you . Please search the house for any information on the Seal 's location , and bring what you find to me in Israel . I 'll have a scout at our usual place every day at noon . He can give you my whereabouts once you get here . I 'll be cautiously trailing the Russians for now . Yours , Joseph 's address was on the bottom of the letter . Mutt scanned it one more time , and felt a stir of excitement in his gut . Oxley had told Mutt bedtime stories about the Seal of Solomon . Whoever wore it was supposed to have power over demons . Mutt wasn 't sure if he believed in demons , but after seeing aliens with crystal sculls , anything was possible . And if the ring worked , and if Russians got the ring before the United States , that could lead to very bad things happening . He desperately wanted to go to Israel , too . But he knew he couldn 't . The stir of excitement turned to acid in his stomach . He 'd promised to go to school . He 'd promised to try his best . Running off for a week , when there was only one month left of school , would be breaking both of those promises . He was reluctant to admit it , but he did want his new father to be proud of him , and breaking his promises would not make any of the authority figures in his life proud . Mutt looked at the clock . His father wouldn 't be home for three hours . He looked back at the address , and a smile formed on his face . He might not be able to go to Israel , but he could have his own little adventure , and help out his old man in the process . He picked up the phone and called the auto shop to let them know he couldn 't come in on Sunday , but would work both days next weekend to make it up . Next he went to his room , and hastily shoved a change of clothes in his backpack , and grabbed his toothbrush . He went back to the table by the front door , flipped his mother 's note over , and wrote : I accidentally opened the letter from Ox , and decided to save you a trip . I 'm going to search Joseph Marlow 's house , and I 'll be back with what I find Saturday afternoon . I called into work , so I can do my homework on Sunday . Mutt She looked over at the side table , and found his note . She scanned it , and almost dropped her groceries . " Oh Mutt , tell me you didn 't . " She rushed to the kitchen to set the bags down , and went back to pick up both Mutt 's note , and Oxley 's letter . After reading them both , Marion went straight to the phone , dialed Marshall College , and asked for her husband . An hour later Marion and a furious Indy were on the road headed to Joseph 's house . Mutt stopped to eat a quick burger for dinner , and still made it to Joseph 's house before one in the morning . The house was located in a small suburban neighborhood right off the freeway . Mutt parked his motorcycle in the driveway , and went to check the front door . It was locked , so he walked around the house and tested the back door , and then the windows . They were all locked , so he went to the back door and picked the lock . He let himself into the kitchen , and turned on the light . He shut the door behind him , and went in search of clues . He made it to Joseph 's office , turning the lights on in the house as he went . Joseph 's desk was littered with books and paperwork , all pertaining to the Seal of Solomon . Smiling at his luck , Mutt walked towards the desk to collect the papers , but never made it that far . A sharp thwack to the base of his skull made him stumble forward and fall to the ground . Everything faded to black before he saw who 'd struck him . Mutt woke with a start when cold water was splashed in his face . He automatically tried to bring his hands up to cover his face , but couldn 't move his arms . His entire body struggled for a moment , before he realized he was tied up . He shook his head to get the water off his face , and looked down at himself . He was tied to one of the kitchen chairs with thick rope . The rope wrapped around each booted ankle , keeping his feet snug against the two front chair legs . It wrapped several times around his stomach and upper arms , trapping his arms against his sides , and keeping his lower back pressed against the back of the armless chair . His hands balled into fists on his thighs while he struggled to get free one more time , but his bindings didn 't budge . " What are you doing in my house ? " The female voice startled Mutt out of his struggling . His head snapped up , causing sharp pain at the base of his skull where he 'd been struck . There across the room of the office a young woman stood holding a large carving knife . She wore black pants , and an oversized blue tee shirt that hung down to mid thigh . Her blond hair was gathered into a ponytail , and her eyes were wide with terror . " What ? " Mutt asked , still disoriented from the blow to the head . " Your house ? " He looked her up and down . She didn 't look old enough to own a house . " This house belongs to Joseph Marlow . " " Are you slow ? " She asked . " If you know my father 's name , this isn 't a random burglary , so answer my question . What are you doing here ? What were you looking for ? " Mutt wasn 't sure how to answer that . He 'd already scared the poor girl by breaking into the house , he didn 't want to tell her that her father was missing and probably dead . He said , " I was looking for information on the Seal of Solomon , and I had no idea that Joseph had a daughter . I 'm real sorry about breaking in . If I 'd known , I would have knocked . Do you know Harold Oxley ? He 's the one who sent me . " " Harold ? " She studied him , and the knife slowly lowered to her side . " How do you know Harold ? " She brandished the knife again and scowled at him . " And how do I know you 're not lying just to get me to trust you ? " Mutt held his hands up in a placating gesture , but because of his ropes , they only got about one inch above his thighs . " I 've known Harold Oxley my whole life . He was a good friend to my mom . He 's in Israel right now with your father , but " utt paused and decided to go with a half - truth . they got separated , and Ox asked me to gather up all the information on The Seal of Solomon to send to him , so he can figure out where your dad might be . " a She lowered the knife again . " Separated " er eyes got even wider for a millisecond . he put a hand over her mouth and whispered , " You mean something 's happened to him . " " It 'll be okay , " Mutt said in a gentle voice . " We 're going to find him . How about you untie me , and you can help me gather up everything for Ox . " He usually liked it when people called him that , but he didn 't want her to be afraid of him . He understood how frightening it was to have a missing family member , and wanted to help her . " What can I do to make you trust me ? Every minute we waste here , is a minute we 're not helping Ox find your dad . " " Yes . No one else is going to show up . It 's just me , and you can trust me . My name is Mutt , what 's yours ? " " You know what ? I do trust you . But you probably shouldn 't have trusted me . " She pulled the rubber band out of her hair , and it fell neatly into place , as if it hadn 't been in the ponytail for long . She pulled the oversized tee - shirt over her head , revealing a form fitting black shirt cinched at the waist with a black belt . " What 's going on ? " Mutt asked nervously . The smile she gave him was cruel . " What 's going on ? " She pulled a pair of black leather gloves out of her pockets , and put them on . " You really are innocent aren 't you ? That 's cute . More like a puppy than a dog . " Her grip on the knife had been desperate earlier , but now it shifted to a more comfortable and familiar hold . She moved towards him and said , " Since no one is coming for you , I can take my time getting information out of you . And since you 're only an errand boy , I 'll have no reason to keep you around once you 've squealed . " They both heard the sound of a gun cocking , and turned to see Indy standing in the doorway to the office . " Yeah ? " Indy said , " Try getting your kid to graduate high school . " Glaring , she held her hands up in the air , with the knife still clutched in her right fist , and stepped away from Mutt . " Good , " Indy said , moving father into the room . " Now set the knife down on the floor gently , and come stand by the door . " Keeping his eyes and gun aimed at her , Indy knelt down and picked up the carving knife . He moved behind the chair Mutt was tied to , and darted his eyes down for a millisecond to see the ropes . He set to work cutting the rope while keeping his gun and eyes mostly on the woman . Indy pushed the ropes off , and pulled at Mutt 's upper arm to get him to stand . Once Mutt was standing , he kicked the rest of the ropes off his feet . Indy held him at arm 's length , with a hand on each of Mutt 's shoulders . " Did she hurt you kid ? " Seeing the worry in Indy 's face made Mutt feel both loved and guilty at the same time . He lowered his head , and put a hand up to the base of his head . " She hit me with something . Knocked me out cold . I don 't know how long I was out . " Indy physically turned the boy around , and gently explored the back of the kid 's head with his fingertips until he felt the lump . Mutt hissed and flinched at the touch . Once Indy was done checking it out , he turned Mutt back around . Indy held up two fingers for Mutt to see . " How many fingers am I holding up ? " Indy pulled the kid into a tight hug , and said to Marion , " He 's got a good size goose egg , but no bleeding . " Indy let go so he could look at his son . " You hurt anywhere else ? " Still a little surprised by the fierce hug , Mutt shook his head . Marion glared at the younger woman who 'd hurt her son , but the woman was too busy glaring at Indy to notice . Marion took two steps , and hit the woman on the back of the head with the butt of her gun . The woman fell to the floor unconscious . Shocked by what his mother had just done , Mutt 's eyes opened wide , and his mouth popped open in a silent ' Oh ' . " Darling , we need her awake to answer questions , " Indy said . Marion looked at her son , and then back at Indy . Nodding reluctantly , she stuck her gun in her pocket , and gestured to the woman on the floor . " Indy , Dear , if you 'll take her into the kitchen for me , I 'll tie her up while the two of you get things settled . " Indy let go of Mutt , and went to pick up the unconscious woman . Marion walked up to her son and pulled him into a hug . He hugged back and said nervously , " What 's going on Mom ? " She squeezed him hard once , and then patted his back before letting go . She took his chin in her hand to make him look at her and said , " You should know that I 'm one hundred percent in agreement with your father on this . Don 't mistake my unhappiness for disagreement . You 've been pushing the limits since the day you found out he was your father , and today you went too far . " Mutt shook his head and backed up a step to get out of her grip . " What do you mean I went too far ? " " You lied to us ! " " I was trying to do you guys a favor ! " Mutt yelled . " I left you a note , and I 'm not missing school ! How is any of that going too far ! ? " Indy came in sporting a grim expression , and made a beeline for his son . Upon seeing his father 's expression , Mutt backed up a few steps , and bumped into the desk . Getting into the kid 's personal space , Indy glared and said , " What did I tell you about raising your voice to your mother ? " The older man grabbed Mutt 's wrist , and pulled him over to the chair he 'd recently been tied to . Indy sat , and hauled the younger man face down over his lap . Mutt let out a surprised grunt when his stomach made contact with his father 's thighs , and his hands automatically went to the floor in front of him . Indy wrapped an arm around the kid 's middle to keep him down , and started raining down swats on his backside . Reality came crashing down on Mutt , wiping out all the illusions he 'd had about his father not following through on the spanking threats he 'd made over the past three months . Mutt put one hand on Indy 's knee , and pushed up while twisting his upper body to look back , and blurted out the words , " You were serious about spanking ? " Indy paused in the swatting . " You thought I wasn 't ? " he asked while pushing Mutt 's hand off his knee . He pressed on the boy 's upper back to get him back down into position , while keeping an arm wrapped around his middle . " Of course not ! It 's ridiculous ! " Mutt shouted . Mutt started to seriously struggle . He lifted his upper body again , and put both his hands on Indy 's thigh to shove himself up while also trying to get his feet flat on the ground . Indy had to stop spanking so he could put both his arms around Mutt 's waist to keep him down . " Henry Walton Williams ! " Marion scolded . Both men froze in place and looked over at her . She shook her finger at Mutt and said , " You stop that right now , young man . We are your parents , and we both think you deserve this spanking . If you don 't respect us enough to stay in place until it 's done , then I 'm ashamed of you . " Mutt 's face was bright red with a mix of anger , embarrassment , and shame . He broke eye contact with his mother , and focused on the oriental rug under the chair . He 'd been twelve the last time he 'd been in this position , and it seemed ludicrous to be in it again now that he was twenty . He struggled with his pride and his conscious for a few seconds , before slowly lowering his upper body back down . He put his hands back on the floor , stretched his legs out behind him , and kept his head down . Indy sighed . " Look kid , I don 't want to do this , but you haven 't left me much of a choice . " He started swatting hard and fast again . Mutt remained completely silent . He held his body stiff with anger and resentment as the blows kept coming . He did not think this punishment was deserved , and he certainly didn 't think it was appropriate for his age . He 'd decided to cooperate , because he wanted to prove to both of his parents that a spanking wouldn 't affect him at all . He tried to distract himself by thinking about getting his own apartment in the very near future . Indy knew exactly what Mutt was doing . He 'd been on the receiving end of this scenario more times than he 'd like to admit , and he remembered the anger . He stopped swatting as quickly as he 'd started . " Not even close . " Indy took his arm off his son 's waist long enough to take off his own belt . When the arm came off his back , Mutt turned his head to see what his dad was doing . Seeing the man pull his belt off , made Mutt 's stomach take a dive . Even though he didn 't want to admit it , his ass already hurt so much that he could barely keep his reactions to himself . Indy doubled the belt over , holding it so that the buckle was tucked safely in his hand . He wrapped his free arm back around Mutt 's waist and snapped the belt down onto the seat of the kid 's jeans . Despite his best efforts , Mutt let out a small grunt in reaction . Indy nodded to himself and said , " Okay , it 's time to talk . Tell me why you think I 'm spanking you . " He held the belt down at his side , and waited for a response . Glaring at the floor , Mutt sneered , " Okay professor , I 'll tell you what page we 're on . You 're spanking me because I tried to do you a favor . Don 't worry , it won 't happen again . " Mutt heard the whistle of the belt before he felt it . He kept his grunt of pain in , but when the belt snapped down again , and again , he couldn 't hold back everything . By the time the sixth smack landed , Mutt 's grunts were higher pitched . " Do you think I 'm stupid ? " Indy asked with some anger in his voice . " Or do you think I believe that you 're stupid enough to make that kind of mistake ? You 're not , so stop lying about it , and maybe we 'll be done here before that girl in the kitchen wakes up . " Having forgotten about her , Mutt 's eyes darted over to the open door of the office , and he prayed that the girl was still unconscious . " Okay ! " He said urgently while trying to keep his voice down . " Okay I did it on purpose . " Mutt flinched , expecting more swats , but they didn 't come . Indy 's eyebrows went up in surprise . He remembered hating it when his father left him behind , and he said with sympathy , " Ah kid , it 's only one more month , and then you can come with me every time . Okay ? " The last of his anger went away at Indy 's tone of voice , and Mutt was able to admit to himself that opening that letter had been wrong . His voice was strained when he answered . " No . " Indy tightened his grip and started spanking again . He made sure not to bring the belt down on the same spot twice in a row . " Ow ! " Mutt yelped . " Ow ! Ow ! " His legs twitched with each smack , and he had to grab one of the chair rungs to keep his hand from trying to block the blows . " You 're right , okay ? Ow ! I 'm sorry ! " " No you weren 't , " Indy said , his irritation surfaced . " You were trying to get away with something , and I 'm not going to let you pull that kind of crap . You scared your mother and me half to death ! This was a dangerous stunt , and it 's not going to happen again . " He snapped the belt down to make his point . " Not before I know all the facts I don 't , " Indy said , slapping the belt down again . He started lecturing , and gave Mutt a swat after each sentence . " You purposely came here without talking to me about it . Not because you thought you could do a better job than me . And not because you were trying to help me out . You did it because you knew I 'd tell you not to . That kind of irresponsible behavior will get you killed someday , and it shows me that you still have a lot of growing up to do . " " Ow ! " The spanking was bad enough , but the lecture on top of it made Mutt want to die from shame . Even though he didn 't want to , he heard truth in what Indy was saying . " I 'm sorry ! Really , really sorry ! It will never happen again ! " Hearing repentance in his son 's tone , Indy calmed down . " I 'm sure it won 't happen again , but you should know that if it does , you 're going right back over my knee . " Mutt shook his head . " I 'll never do it again ! I swear ! " " Ah ! Ow ! Please Dad ! Ow ! Please stop ! Ahhh ! " Indy set the belt on the floor , and waited for the boy to settle his squirming . Once he did , the older man said , " Tell me what you learned , and we 'll be done . " Breathing hard , Mutt tried to blurt out the words as quickly as he could . " Don 't lie to you . Don 't open your mail . And don 't go on an adventure meant for you without talking to you first . " " Easy kid , " Indy said , patting the younger man 's lower back . " It 's over . You gave me the right answer . " Mutt 's body went limp upon hearing those words , and he took a few deep breaths to calm himself down , and recover from the pain . Indy took his arm off the kid 's waist , and rubbed soothing circles on his back . After a few seconds of silence , Indy patted his son 's back and said , " Alright , come on . I 'm sure your Mom is anxious to make sure you 're okay . " Getting up was awkward , but Mutt managed it . Once he was standing , he tentatively rubbed his butt , and grimaced . He kept his head down , his hands on his ass , and his eyes glued to the carpet . Then he took a few steps back , away from his father . Indy stood too , and carefully studied his son 's posture . " Hey , look at me . " The boy glared over at his father . Mutt 's face was bright red both from embarrassment and from being upside down . His eyes were suspiciously shiny , and his hair was disheveled . Indy said softly , " You can hate me for this all you want . It 's my job to make sure you turn out to be an upstanding member of society , and I take that seriously . It 's not my job to make you like me . " " Indy ? " They both heard Marion 's voice , and turned to see her standing at the office door . Indy waved her in , while Mutt dropped his hands to his sides , and turned his glare back to the carpet . " I 'll be in the kitchen , " Indy mumbled , giving his wife a chance to talk to their son alone . Keeping his eyes on the ground , Mutt groaned and said , " Please tell me that the girl is still unconscious . " " She is . " Marion said . She put a tentative hand on her son 's arm . " Mutt " she said , trying to get him to look at her . He shrugged her off , and took a step back . She waited a moment before stepping forward , and putting her hand on his arm again . He didn 't move away this time , so she stepped into his personal space , and wrapped her arms around his waist in a hug . He tensed for a moment before bending his head down to rest his forehead on her shoulder . She kept one hand on his back , and stroked the back of his head with the other . A couple of minutes later , Marion whispered , " I was so worried . " Mutt trailed his mother into the kitchen , and tried not to think about the way his sore skin chaffed against his jeans when he walked . When they got to the kitchen , the girl was just coming around . Ten minutes later , Indy gave up on trying to get her to talk . She remained completely silent , refusing to answer even one of his questions . He turned to Marion and said , " She 's a professional . She won 't talk . " Indy rubbed his hand on his chin . " I 'll go pack up everything I 'll need to take to Ox . You two see if you can get anything out of her . " While Indy packed , Marion and Mutt both asked the girl some questions , but she completely ignored them , even when Marion gave her a slap . A few minutes later Indy came in holding a satchel full of documents . He looked at the girl and said , " No luck ? " " We 're not going to resort to torture , so we 'll " ndy opened his mouth to speak , and then turned a suspicious eye on the girl . e waved his family over to the kitchen door , and soon they were all standing outside with the door shut . I 'll take Mutt 's motorcycle to the nearest airport , and catch the first flight to Israel . he two of you go back in there and call the police . ell them you 're house sitting for Joseph , and have that woman arrested for breaking in . s soon as you 're done with the cops , use my car to go home . " Wait a minute , " Mutt said . Why isn 't Mom going with you ? ou guys could take the car to the airport , and I could stay here until the cops get here . " e looked at his mother , but she simply shrugged , not knowing the answer herself . ndy said softly , " I 'm not going to leave you alone again until after you graduate . " e saw his son scowl , and quickly added , " It 's not because I don 't trust you . just I don 't want you to feel lonely or left out . " M rion smiled at her husband for the sweet gesture . " Yeah you can , but you 're not gonna . " Indy held out his hand . " Give me your keys , and look after your mother while I 'm gone . " " Mutt . " Indy cut him off . " Stop arguing , unless you want to be grounded too . " He touched his fingertips to his palm a couple of times , in a gesture for Mutt to hand over the keys . Frowning , the boy dug them out of his pocket , and gave them to his father . . " Thank you . " Indy pulled the unsuspecting boy into a tight one - armed hug . Mutt wasn 't as angry as he had been earlier , and hugged his father back . Indy let him go , and then gave his wife a hug and kiss . " Be careful , " she said . " Always , " he said . With the satchel of paperwork in one hand , and the motorcycle keys in the other , Indy walked around to the font of the house . Marion put an arm around Mutt 's waist , and they waited to hear the motorcycle start up . After a few seconds , Marion started to tense up . " Something 's wrong . " They heard a gun cock behind their heads . Both of them put their hands in the air and turned around . A large man with dark black hair and a mustache was pointing a gun at them . With a heavy Russian accent he said , " Keep hand where I see them , yes ? Into house . " He gestured towards the kitchen door with his gun . " Okay . " Marion said , and both her and Mutt went back into the kitchen . The woman was struggling to get free with no luck . When she saw the dark haired man , she said something in Russian . He answered , " Da . " Mutt didn 't know much Russian , but he knew that meant yes . The woman stood up , and walked up to Marion . She dug into Marion 's pocket , and pulled the gun out of her pocket . Once it was in her hand , she glared at Marion , and backhanded her across the face . " Mom ! " Mutt yelled , and lunged towards the woman . The dark haired man stepped up to him , and punched the boy in the gut before he made contact with the woman . " Mutt ! " Marion yelled , " Don 't fight them ! " Mutt fell to the floor on all fours , and tried to catch his breath . Marion held up her hands , and tried to get the man 's attention . " We 're not going to fight , okay ? We 'll do whatever you say . You don 't have to hurt us . " Everyone looked up to see Indy standing in the doorway with his hands in the air . Two more men were standing behind him with guns pointed in his direction . They 'd confiscated Indy 's gun , his whip , and Joseph 's papers . " I think you have that backwards Dr . Jones , " the woman said . " Help us find the Seal , and we won 't hurt them . " Mutt gave him a curt nod , while trying not to vomit . The three men , and the woman , conferred in Russian for a few moments . While they were talking , Indy and Marion shared a worried look . The woman finally said , " Looks like we 're all going on a nice little trip to Israel . " " Leave the kid here , " Indy said . " He has nothing to do with this . " The woman squatted down in front of Mutt and brushed the back of her fingers against his cheek . " Not a chance Dr . Jones . Keeping this one will assure your compliance . " She leaned in and whispered in the boy 's ear . " And if it doesn 't , I 'll have the pleasure of making you whimper , Puppy . " He jerked away from her . She laughed and stood up . She gave a command in Russian , and one of the thugs pulled out a needle , and plunged it into Indy 's neck . Indy fell to the ground . " Calm yourself Mrs . Jones . It 's a sedative . " The woman gestured towards Marion and Mutt , and each of them got a shot as well . Mutt 's world went dark for the second time that night . When Mutt woke up , his head felt fuzzy . He opened his eyes slowly , and tried to get the blurry images to focus . " Mutt ? " Indy 's voice was right beside him . " What happened ? " He felt as though he couldn 't wake up all the way . " They drugged us . Remember ? We were at Joseph 's house , and then the Russians were there . " Mutt blinked a few times and looked at his surroundings . They were in a relatively small cargo airplane . There was rope around Mutt 's chest , holding him upright against the bench seat that ran the length of one side of the airplane . His hands were tied together in his lap , and his ankles were tied together , with his feet resting on the floor . His father was sitting on his left , and when he turned to his right , he saw his mother . She was also tied to the bench , but her head was hanging low , and her head bobbed with each bump of the airplane . " Mom ? " He said , starting to panic . He looked back to Indy . " What 's wrong with her ? " " Calm down , son , I 'm sure it 's just some kind of sedative . I 've been awake for about twenty minutes now . If we all got the same dose , she 'd be the last to wake up , because she has the smallest body mass . " " She will . " Indy said with conviction . " She can drink me under the table . She won 't let a little sedative take her out for long . Don 't you worry . " Wanting to believe that , Mutt nodded , and looked around . He saw a group of men with guns sitting on a bench along the other side of the airplane . And the woman who had ambushed him was sitting in the middle of the men , looking through the paperwork they 'd taken from Joseph 's house . " No buts ! " Indy winced at how sharp his tone had been , and eased up a little . " Listen kid , don 't go trying to be a hero , especially while we 're up in the air . We 're outnumbered , and there 's no place to run . " " What for ? " " For everything . Opening the letter , and going to Joseph 's house . If it weren 't for me , you probably wouldn 't have even run into those guys . " Mutt shifted on the bench , trying to relive some of the pressure off his butt . " Ah kid , you 've got it all wrong . " Indy smiled despite the circumstances , " Look , I 'm new at this parenting thing , so maybe I forgot this part earlier . After a punishment , the slate is wiped clean . I forgive you for opening the letter and going to Joseph 's house . You shouldn 't feel bad about it anymore . " Indy cut him off , " Then you 're not to blame . Really I should be thanking you for getting me to Joseph 's house so quickly . If I 'd waited to leave until I got home from work , those Russians would have been gone , along with all the information Joseph had on the Seal . " Half an hour later , Marion woke up , and a few minutes after that , the woman who had captured them walked over with a handful of paperwork . She stood in front of Indy and said , " Dr . Jones , we have two hours before we land in Israel . I 'm going to untie your hands , so you can look through Mr . Marlow 's paperwork . " She held a knife up to show him , and then leaned in close to his face . " I want your word that you 're not going to try anything stupid , because if you do , it will be these two " he gestured with the knife to Marion and Mutt . " who pay the price for your stupidity . " a She focused on Mutt , and smiled . Moving to stand in front of him , she leaned down , and rested her hands on his thighs just above his knees , with the knife handle pressed between her right hand and his left thigh . Getting a bad feeling , Mutt pressed his back up against the bench to get away from her . She put her mouth right up against his ear and said , " The puppy wants to help ? That 's sweet . " The woman chuckled and leaned back so she could look Mutt in the eye . " Lucky puppy . You don 't know how difficult it is for me to keep my knife and hands off you . " She rubbed her hand up his thigh , and said , " I 'd love to hear you yelp . " " Keep your hands off him , bitch ! " Marion yelled , and struggled against her restraints . " The name is , Marta , " the younger woman said with a dismissive glare towards Marion . She looked more closely at it , and Indy pointed to the numbers . " The quotes don 't match the verses . I 'd have to check , but I 'm ninety percent sure that all these quotes are from Song of Solomon , but the side notes reference other books of the Bible . " Marta handed the paper back to him , and called out to one of the men unloading the airplane . They spoke in Russian for a few minutes , before she turned back to her three captives . With a smile she said , " I 'm going to untie all of you now . There 's a truck waiting to transport all of us . If any of you give me the slightest hint of trouble , I 'll sedate the puppy . " " My name is Mutt ! " the boy hissed , annoyed with the demeaning nickname she 'd apparently given him . Indy put a hand on Mutt 's shoulder , and squeezed it hard . He said to Marta , " We get it . None of us will give you any trouble . " She called to her men to untie them . While they were waiting , Indy turned to Mutt and said , " No heroics kid . " He held up the paper with Joseph 's notes . " I need to figure this out so we can find Joseph and Ox . " " Good . " Indy patted his shoulder before letting go . An hour later , they were all in a house on the outskirts of Jerusalem . Marta had some food brought in for everyone , and set Indy up at a desk with a bible , Joseph 's paperwork , and some blank paper . Indy lost himself in the research , blocking out everyone and everything around him while his mind went to work . Mutt spent his time cataloging everything about the people holding them captive , to use against them when the time came to try and escape . Marion watched her husband , and knew the instant Indy had it figured out . There was a specific expression the man always got when realization dawned , and she couldn 't help but smile at his enthusiasm for knowledge . While Indy was quickly cross - referencing things and checking his new insight against the documentation , Marion whispered to Mutt , " Stay sharp , it 's almost time . " Marta immediately went over to stand next to Indy . He pointed to Joseph 's paper , and the paper he 'd written notes on . He said , " Joseph thinks the Seal is buried at The Garden Tomb . " " Well I didn 't say he was right , I said that 's what he thinks . " Indy pointed to the paper and said , " It 's not buried in the tomb itself , it 's under the tomb . Look at this first quote from Solomon and then look at the quote from Exodus that the numbers reference . " " They both talk about things that are hidden from view . The next quotes are about things underground , the next two are about secrets , and so on down the list . Each pair of quotes match up in some way , and the numbers match too . The chapter and verse in Song of Solomon matches the numbers for the chapter and verse in each of the other books . " She looked at the quotes for several minutes . Indy pointed to one of the last quotes and said , " This here has to indicate the Garden Tomb . But if you don 't think so , I 'm happy to hear your theory . " " A stony face " he slowly nodded in agreement and , turned to her men . he said something in Russian , and they rushed out to do her bidding . nderstanding bits of what she 'd said , Indy scowled . If you had him here this whole time , why the hell did you need me ? " Getting an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach , Indy looked at his family , and then towards the door . The men brought in Joseph and Oxley . Oxley was slightly roughed up , but Joseph couldn 't even stand without help . He had obviously been tortured for days . His clothes were brown with his own dried blood , one eye was swollen completely shut , and there was a gaping wound on his left forearm that appeared to be infected . Joseph whispered , " Indiana Jones ? " With a cruel smile , Marta said , " That 's right Mr . Marlow . You didn 't think I was going to give up just because you wouldn 't talk did you ? It took Dr . Jones all of two hours to figure out what you 've been keeping from me for days . " He held his hands up in surrender . " Don 't be stupid , Marta . You can 't take him to the tomb like that ! It 's a public place , and I don 't know where the entrance to the tunnel is , so we may be wandering around for a while . Get a doctor to patch him up so he doesn 't pass out on the way , and get him cleaned up so we don 't attract attention to ourselves . " The woman considered this for a few seconds , and then said , " Clever of you Dr . Jones , but not clever enough . I will have him cleaned up , but you will not be using this time to consult with your friends and family . " She called out new orders to her men . They hauled Joseph over to a chair , and dumped him in it . Then they grabbed Indy , tied his hands behind his back , and took him out of the room with them . " Dad " utt said nervously , and started to stand . arion grabbed her son 's hand and pulled him back down , while Indy said , " It 's fine kid . ust cooperate with them . " Marta had refused to let Indy anywhere near the rest of the captives during the truck ride over , and kept him by her side even now . " Where do we start Dr . Jones ? " Marta asked . Indy pointed to the last two bible quotes and said , " These last two quotes talk about eyes , so we should start there . " He pointed to the outcropping of stone that resembled a skull . Marta nodded , and looked up at the sky . The evening was coming , and the tourists were thinning out . She spoke to her men , and they moved forward , leaving only Marta and one guard with the five captives in the parking lot . Marta said , " We 'll wait for their signal . " Thinking this was the perfect opportunity for escape , Mutt tried to catch Indy 's attention , but the older man was focused on his paperwork . He looked at his mother with an eyebrow raised . She shook her head no . He scowled at her and nodded , trying to get her to agree to an attempted escape . When she still shook her head no , Mutt focused his attention on the guard . The older man had his gun pointed at Indy 's stomach , but he was looking towards the tomb , and away from the group . Mutt saw his chance and took it . He kicked the man 's gun hand , and while the gun clattered to the ground , Mutt tackled the man like a football player . The two tussled for a few seconds , both trying to get the upper hand on the other . They both heard a high pitched whistle and froze . Mutt turned towards the sound . Marta was pointing a gun at his head . " Puppy , " she said , " I don 't find your antics cute . Be a good boy and heel , before I decide to put you to sleep for good . " " If you don 't want him hurt , you 'd better keep him in line . " Marta aimed her gun in Indy 's direction , and yelled at the guard in Russian , prompting him to scramble to his feet and grab his gun off the ground . " You okay kid ? " Indy asked . He held out his hand , and helped Mutt to stand up . Glaring back at his father , Mutt said , " This was the perfect opportunity ! If you 'd pulled your eyes away from those papers for two seconds , you could have helped me ! Then we 'd be the ones holding the guns ! " Indy shook his head and said , " You need to keep your head down , and stop drawing attention to yourself until this is over . " He pulled Mutt in and hissed in his ear , " If you attack them without my permission again , my hand will be having an unpleasant conversation with your butt . We find the Seal first , then we escape . " He pushed the boy back towards his mother , and muttered , " Playing the hero can get you killed . " Marion put an arm around Mutt 's waist in a side hug . Mutt 's heart was racing . He 'd been trying to help , and this was the thanks he got ? Silence settled on the group , and a few minutes later , one of Marta 's men came back to the group wearing a security uniform for the Garden Tomb . He waved them forward , and the group walked across the parking lot , while a few tourists moved towards their cars , complaining that their visit to the tomb had been cut short . While the parking lot cleared out , Marta made sure all the real guards were knocked out and tied up , so that her men could take their places , and keep the area secured . The rope jerked to a stop , causing Indy 's body to bump against the cliff . Latching his fingers into the crevice that formed the right eye , Indy pulled himself up close . He held a lighter up so he could see in the fading light . All he could see was dust . Feeling around inside the eye , he wiped off some dust . The only thing he found was a tiny indent the size of half a marble . Pulling himself across the cliff face to the other eye socket , he found nothing , except another indent . He pushed the tip of his thumb into the indent , but nothing happened . " Hey ! " he called up to Marta . " Send one of your flunkies down here ! I need to reach both eyes at once , and my arms aren 't long enough . " Indy moved himself over to the first eye , and looked around the rock for any other clues while he waited . A few minutes later , he saw Mutt being lowered down towards him . Glowering he yelled up to Marta , " I said a flunky ! " " Come look at this . " Indy waved him over . Once Mutt was close , the older man pointed to the indent and said , " There 's an indent just like this in the other eye . I want to try pushing on them at the same time . Indy counted , and then they both pushed on the indents together . When nothing happened , Mutt looked over at his father , wondered what to do next . " I guess it was a long shot , " Indy said . " Feel around and see if you can find " A deafening rumbling of the earth cut Indy short . The ground all around them shook for a few seconds , causing the men who were holding the ropes to stumble . Indy saw Mutt drop a few inches , and sway . " Dad ! " Mutt yelled with panic , and held his hand out to the older man . Indy pushed off from the rocks to swing himself closer to his son , and grabbed Mutt 's hand . The two of them swung back towards the rocks , and Indy yelled , " Try to find a foothold on the rock ! " It didn 't take long , before both of them were scrambling over the edge , to stand with the others on the top of the cliff . " What happened ? " Marta demanded . Indy pointed down to the ground level and said , " The seal is under the tomb . Something just opened up down there . " " Well then " arta gestured with her gun . What are we waiting for ? " Indy and Mutt stepped out of the ropes that had been holding them up , and walked back down along with the group . When they got to the actual tomb , they all saw what the rumbling had been . The back wall of the tomb had shifted back six feet to reveal a stairway made of stone under the ground . Marta rushed to the entrance , and ordered one of her men to shine a light down it . They could see nothing but stairs leading down into the darkness . With a dismissive glare , she ordered two of her men to go first . Indy , Mutt , and Marion came next , followed closely by Oxley and Joseph . Marta and two more of her men brought up the rear , leaving a few of her men up top to guard the entrance . The group went down , down , and down some more , until the light from the entrance far above them disappeared , and the air around them became cold and dank . Suddenly , Mutt heard a soft swishing noise , and the man at the front of their group yelled out in pain , before tumbling down the last five steps . Indy put his hands out , touching his wife and child , and hissed , " Stand absolutely still . That was an arrow . " Arrowheads were sticking out of the walls waiting to be tripped . Marta issued some orders , and her men started cautiously walking towards the arrows . Indy said , " They 're going to get killed , or get us killed , trying to get them out by hand . " " If I had my whip , I 'd use that to get them out . As it is aybe if we put two of our belts together , that would be long enough to set off the arrows without anyone getting hurt . " She thought it over for a few seconds , and called one of her men over to her . She held out her hand , and he dug Indy 's whip out from the military style backpack he was carrying . Marta held it up to Indy and said , " If I give this to you , and then you try and turn it against me , I 'll shoot the puppy first . " Glowering , Indy held his hand out , and she gave it to him . Three cracks of the whip later , the arrows had all been taken care of with no more casualties . Indy attached the whip to his belt , and said , " Move slowly , and keep your eyes out for more . " Marta gestured for her men to take the lead again . The three Russian thugs walked past their fallen comrade looking for more arrows . They 'd made it to the bottom of the stairs , and were walking through a stone tunnel . A few yards away , the tunnel made a sharp right . When no screams or other sounds came from the Russian men , the rest of the group quickly followed . The room at the end of the tunnel was empty , but the walls were covered with pictures and ancient writing carved into the stone . " What is the meaning of this ? " Marta shouted . " Where is the Seal ! " Marion shushed her , and pointed out the three scholars in the room . Joseph , Oxley , and Indy were all looking at the walls intently . Each drifted towards a different wall as they tried to decipher what the images and words meant . Joseph was the first to speak . He pointed to a picture and said , " This shows that only a direct descendant of Solomon , or someone pure of heart , can control the power of the Seal . " Mutt had scanned all the pictures on the walls while the older men were trying to translate the words . He found his eyes drawn to a small picture near the corner of the wall Oxley was examining . The image was much less ominous than the others . There were no demons , no death , and no images of the Seal itself . It was a tiny image of a fish , and the fish appeared to be smiling . The fish was alone in a corner near the stone floor . All the other images ended three feet above the fish . Mutt walked closer , and kneeled down to get a better look . " Hey Dad ? " Mutt reached out and tapped the fish a few times . " What do you suppose this one means ? " The stone where the fish had been crumbled away , leaving a one foot square hole in the wall . A dusty looking dull gold ring lay in the rubble . Mutt was about to reach his hand in , when Marta shoved him out of the way . Mutt 's body smacked into the wall , while Marta 's fingers closed around the ring . " Are you insane woman ! " Joseph shouted . " Don 't touch it ! You can 't control it ! You 'll bring on the destruction of humanity ! " " Fool ! " Marta said as she shoved the ring onto her middle finger . " Do you expect me to believe your tricks ? You only want the Seal for yourself ! But it 's too late ! It 's mine ! The power is all mine now ! " Mutt scrambled to his feet , and went to stand by his mother . Marta made a fist , and held her hand up in the air . She started chanting in Latin , and the ring started to glow . Everyone else in the room backed away from her . " What 's she saying ? " Mutt asked his father . Joseph answered for him . " She 's calling upon a demon from Hell to do her bidding . " She said more in Latin , and he translated . " She 's demanding that Asmodeus appear before her . " They all heard Marta finish her chant . The entire room was bathed in a blinding light from the Seal for a full second . The light went away , leaving the Seal a dull gold color again . The only sound in the room for the next three seconds was breathing . Then Marta 's face contorted into a grimace of pain , and she let out an ear piercing scream . She doubled over , held her stomach , and then fell to the floor still screaming . Mutt 's shoulder 's hunched at her tone . He turned at stammered , " Um well " H s eyes went back to the woman on the ground . M rta was still writhing on the floor and screaming while her men gathered around her watching . H s focus went back to his mother , when she put her hands on her hips in a very familiar unhappy gesture . M " I should hope so , " Marion said . Joseph pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket , and quickly scribbled some words on it . He whispered in Mutt 's ear , " If you 're able to get the ring away from her , put the ring on your finger and say this . " He handed the handkerchief to the boy . Joseph nodded , and opened his mouth to talk , but before he could , Marta 's screaming stopped . Everyone turned to stare at her . She quietly stood and dusted herself off . With a smile , she ran a finger over the seal . " Marta ? " one of her men asked . An inhumanly deep booming voice came from Marta 's mouth , " I am Marta no more . I am Asmodeus . " She made a fist , and pointed it at the man who had spoken . Asmodeus said some words in a language no one knew , and the ring started to glow . A few moments later , the Russian thug fell to the floor screaming . Asmodeus pointed the Seal at another of Marta 's men , and started talking . Marion 's eyebrows drew together for a moment while she thought about that . She looked back at Asmodeus , who had stopped pointing at the second man to work on the third , because he 'd tried to run from the room . " Budapest ? " Mutt asked . Indy grabbed Mutt and hissed in his ear , " No matter what happens , get the ring and put it on . Don 't hesitate . " Indy pushed the boy away from him , unhooked the bullwhip from his belt , and took aim . Asmodeus was pointing the ring at the second Russian man again , when the end of Indy 's whip wrapped around the slender wrist of the woman Asmodeus had possessed . Indy yanked the whip as hard as he could , trying to pull Asmodeus off balance . As soon as he could move , the second Russian man ran from the room , escaping . Asmodeus stumbled , but stayed on his feet . He laughed at the feeble attempt to stop him , and pointed the ring at Indy while chanting . Mutt shook his head , feeling helpless , and lost . Marion snuck over to one of the Russian men writhing on the floor , and with stealth born from experience , she slipped the machete style knife from the sheath at his waist . She held it up and rushed Asmodeus . Indy hollered in pain , and dropped his end of the whip in the same instant that Marion tried to attack . Asmodus whirled around , and pointed the Seal at Marion . She instantly stopped in her tracks , unable to move . With a snarl , Asmodeus turned his head to glare at the boy . The moment of distraction allowed Marion to move her limbs again , and that was all she needed to complete her mission . While the demon 's focus was off her , she raised the machete , and brought it down as hard as she could on Asmodeus ' wrist , severing the hand from the rest of Marta 's body . " No ! " Asmodeus boomed . The room erupted in chaos . The two Russian men on the floor stopped screaming . Asmodeus and Mutt both went diving for the ring , while Marion , Indy , Oxley , and Joseph all rushed to block Asmodeus ' path . Marion , being the closest to Asmodeus , took the brunt of his forward momentum , and the two crashed down to the ground , practically falling on top of Mutt . Suppressing a gag , Mutt snatched the severed hand up off the floor , and pulled the ring off as quickly as possible . He stood , dropped the hand , and shoved the ring on his own finger . On the floor in front of him , Marion , Indy , Oxley , and Joseph all struggled to hold Asmodeus down . The demon growled in rage , while the blood poured out of his host 's body . The two Russian men stood up . Mutt held Joseph 's handkerchief up and shouted the words , " Exorcizo te , omnis spiritus immunde , in nomine Dei ! " One of the Russian men jumped on Indy , and tried to pull him off Asmodeus , while the second one lunged towards Mutt , knocking him to the ground . Indy and Mutt both fought with the thugs that had attacked them . Indy elbowed the Russian in the stomach , causing him to stumble . Indy stood up and soon the two were exchanging punches . Mutt and the other Russian rolled on the floor , both trying to get the upper hand in the fight . Mutt got a close up view of the Russian man 's blood red eyes , and doubled his efforts . The kid landed a solid punch to the possessed man 's temple , and rolled on top of him , pinning him to the ground . Joseph yelled , " Say it again , and point the Seal at Asmodeus when you say it ! " Mutt scrambled to stand , and kicked the Russian man 's side as hard as he could to keep him down . The second Russian man tried to step around Indy to attack Mutt , but Indy blocked him with a punch to the gut that took the possessed thug out of commission for a second . Mutt held out his fist , pointed the ring at Asmodeus , and repeated the Latin words . The Seal lit up , and the demon 's deep inhuman voice screamed , " Nooo ! " Marta 's body started to convulse , as if she were having an epileptic seizure . Everyone that had been holding her down let go , and backed away . Indy kept exchanging punches with the Russian thug , and yelled , " A little help here ! " Mutt pointed the ring at the thug , and said the same words . The ring lit up again , and the Russian man dropped to the ground . The instant the ring dimmed , Mutt turned it towards the second thug , and said the words a third time . Marta 's body was the first to stop convulsing . Within seconds both Russian men stopped moving as well , and silence filled the room . Marion nudged Marta with the toe of her shoe . When that got zero reaction , Marion kneeled down and felt for a pulse . " She 's dead , " Marion said . " Their bodies couldn 't handle the possession , " Joseph said . " Marta 's soul would have left her body the second Asmodeus took over . " He gestured to the men on the ground and said , " Same for these two . " Mutt yanked the ring off his finger , and held it out towards his father , not wanting to touch the thing anymore . Indy shook his head , and gestured towards Joseph . Mutt held it out to Joseph . " Wrap it in the handkerchief first , " Joseph said . " I don 't think it can cause problems as long as I don 't put it on , but just to be safe . " Mutt wrapped it up in the handkerchief , and handed it over to Joseph . Once he was rid of it , Mutt felt immensely better . Marion went to him , and pulled him into a tight hug . Relieved to still be alive , Mutt hugged her back tightly . Indy came over and wrapped his arms around the two of them at once . " You kept a level head in the middle of all that chaos , " Indy said . " I 'm proud of you , son . " Oxley said , " We 're not out of the woods yet . There are still three men with guns up there . " He pointed to the ceiling . " They could be waiting to ambush us . " Indy let go of his family , and picked up Marta 's gun off the floor . " Let 's be ready for them , " Indy said , searching Marta 's body for any hidden weapons . Marion searched one of the dead men , while Oxley searched the other . By the time they were done , they had three more guns and two large knives . Mutt rolled his eyes when his mother handed him a knife , and put the spare gun in Joseph 's hand . " Wait , " Mutt said , looking at the gun in Joseph 's hand , " Why didn 't Asmodeus just shoot us ? " " I have no idea . " Joseph said . " Maybe a demon can 't possess a body that 's already dead , so he wanted us alive . " Oxley said , " Guns are a relatively new invention in human history . It might not have occurred to him . " Indy led them cautiously through the tunnel and up the stairs . When they reached the top , Indy went out first , prepared to fight , but the tomb was disserted . He waved them all up into the tomb , and said , " Wait here . " He went out alone to check the area . Minutes later he came back and said , " They 're gone , and they took the car . " " Mom ? " Mutt couldn 't quite believe his mother was looking forward to stealing a car . In fact , he couldn 't quite believe she knew how . Indy shook his head . " We don 't have the manpower left to lower two of us in front of the cliff again . We take the Seal to the Embassy , and I 'll get in touch with a friend in the government . There 's a facility where the American government keeps things like the Seal . " Joseph shook his head and said , " But what if " ndy cut him off . It will be as safe there as it will be anywhere . t 's impossible to have a one hundred percent guarantee that it will stay safe , no matter where we put it . ut right now , only a few of us even know it 's been found , and that 's the best protection there is . " Chuckling , Indy clapped Mutt on the back . " Come on , son , let 's get you home . If we 're lucky you 'll only miss one day of school . " Mutt looked around the room at his friends and family with a smile on his face . Earlier that day he 'd walked down the isle , and received his diploma , officially ending his servitude in the prison his parents liked to call High School . His parents had thrown him a small party at their house to celebrate . Oxley had come , along with most of his co - workers from the auto shop , and the two friends he 'd made while going to school . Everyone had eaten cake , and Mutt had opened some nice gifts , including an expensive looking set of tools from his boss at the auto shop . After he 'd opened all the gifts , and thanked everyone , Indy handed Mutt an envelope . Mutt pulled an envelope out of the inside pocket of his jacket . " I know the person graduating doesn 't usually give gifts , but " e nervously handed it over to his father and said , " I thought you might like this . " ' Indy exchanged a confused glance with his wife , and then took the envelope . He opened it up , and looked over the document inside . Indy starred at the paper for several seconds , while Marion looked at it over his shoulder . " Oh , Mutt , " Marion said , " what a lovely gesture . " Startled out of his sentimentality , Indy raised a confused eyebrow at his son . Mutt smirked , " Now I can 't get in trouble for opening a letter addressed to Henry Jones . " Laughing , Indy shook his head . With a smile on his face , he shook a finger at his son and said , " I 'll still put you over my knee if you open any mail with a Jr . after it . "

I was beginning to get annoyed . How much more information would they need before I would be allowed to see the doctor ? My world was collapsing around me and all they cared about was getting my personal and insurance information . " Okay Mr . Fox . All I need now is your insurance card and then you can have a seat over there . Dr . Haverty will be with you shortly , " the receptionist said . Luckily , I was the only patient in the reception room . I felt uncomfortable enough just being there without having an audience . I had never talked to a shrink before so I was a little nervous . Dr . Haverty had been recommended to me by our company doctor but I wouldn 't have been there at all if my boss hadn 't insisted that I get psychiatric help . I admit that I needed help but the idea of having to talk about myself to some old man who couldn 't possibly understand or appreciate my life bothered me . I hadn 't met Dr . Haverty yet but I had developed a mental picture of him . I saw him as a short old man , bald on top with a horseshoe of long gray hair around the sides of his head . Sometimes I pictured him with a goatee and other times with a full beard . I usually pictured him smoking a pipe as he asked questions like , " How did you feel about that , " or " How did that make you feel ? " The receptionist was quite attractive and I had given her my best smile when I came in but I got no response from her . I tried to make eye contact with her again as I walked across the room to the door that led into Dr . Haverty 's office . The receptionist looked at me , pointed to the door and then looked back down at the papers on her desk . That was part of my problem . I was losing the touch . I stepped through the door into the doctor 's office but the room appeared to be empty . I stood for a moment and looked around . The room was cozy without feeling small . To my left against the wall was an oak roll top desk with a large red leather chair pulled up in front . The wall adjacent to the desk and across the room from where I was standing was made up entirely of bookshelves filled with books and journals . To my right , at the far end of the room was a window covered with heavy draperies . The room was dark except for the light given off by two lamps . One on the oak desk and the other a floor lamp next to the stereotypical patient 's couch that was positioned in the middle of the room facing away from the desk . The low lighting of the room added to the feeling of coziness . The room had a definite smell . I noticed the slight scent of a woman 's perfume but there was another smell and it was more overwhelming than the perfume . The only way I could describe it was that it smelled like despair or was that just my imagination . I was still contemplating the scent of the room when the chair at the desk began to turn and I found myself facing a young woman . She looked no older than thirty . I was shocked because I had thought that I was alone in the room . I was initially confused . What was this woman doing in the doctor 's office ? Dr . Haverty was about five feet five inches tall with long dark hair . Her eyes were brown and warm . Even the professional looking pants suit she was wearing couldn 't hide the sensual shape of her body . She was hot . I wanted to punch myself for sounding so stupid . I had never had trouble talking to a beautiful woman before . I couldn 't understand why was I so tongue - tied ? I thought about that for a minute and realized that I did want to be there . I wanted to get help with my problem but it took my boss to insist and now that I had met Dr . Haverty and saw how hot she was I really wanted to be there . I just wished that the couch was turned so that I was facing her . This was the part I didn 't like . I had been dreading talking about my problems when I thought the doctor was an old man . It was going to be even harder to open up to this sexy woman . I was still hesitant but I was beginning to think that maybe by opening up to this woman and telling her about myself I could get her to like me . Maybe even make her want me . One way or another I was going to have to talk to her so I might as well try to make the best of the situation . " Well , you saw me when I came in , " I said . " I don 't think I am bragging when I say that I am a handsome man . Women have always been attracted to me . There have been very few times since I had my first girlfriend that I haven 't had more than one girlfriend at a time including when I was married . " " I never thought of it as a need . I just liked having more than one girl to have sex with . I liked the variety I guess , " I said . " I haven 't had sex with a woman in five months . I can 't even get a date with a woman . I used to go to bars at night and the women would come on to me . Now they avoid me . " " Because they are women . Who the fuck knows why they do things ? I was good to all of them . I always told them what they wanted to hear and I kept them happy in bed . What more could they want ? Hell most of these women were married so it wasn 't like they should be expecting more out of the relationship . It wasn 't like I promised to marry any of them . " " Okay . I was born in Knoxville and my parents moved to Paducah when I was seven . I 've been here ever since . My mom and dad got divorced when I was fifteen . " " My dad was always out fucking some broad he picked up in a bar . One night my mom caught him in their bed with another woman . She threw him out of the house . " " Pissed off . I liked having my dad around . We used to do shit together . After the divorce he would come around and take me places but by the time I was sixteen he wasn 't coming around anymore . " " No . I blame my mom . I love her but she made him go away . Maybe if she had loved him more he wouldn 't have cheated on her . " " Yes . I was supposed to be spending the night at a friend 's house but he got sick so his dad took me home . My mother was working the second shift at the hospital that night and was supposed to stay until one o ' clock in the morning to cover part of a shift for another nurse . " I walked into the house around nine o ' clock and when I saw that no one was home I went up to my room . About 10 : 30 I heard my father come in . I started to go downstairs to tell him I was home when I noticed that he had a woman with him . They both seemed to be drunk and dad led her straight into his bedroom . " " Yes . I already knew about sex but I had never seen anyone doing it . My dad hadn 't turned on any lights when they came into house but he did turn on the light in the bedroom . I noticed right away that he didn 't close the door all of the way so I snuck downstairs and stood outside the bedroom and spied on them . When I looked in , my dad was standing behind the woman and was kissing her on the neck while he reached around and started to unbutton her dress . " " When my dad had the dress unbuttoned he pulled it off her shoulders and let it fall to the floor . Then he unhooked her bra and removed it . That was the first time I had ever seen a woman 's breasts other than in a picture . I was so excited that I almost climaxed in my pants . Next , my dad pulled her slip and her panties down completely exposing this woman to me . I quickly pulled my cock out and climaxed in my hand without even stroking it once . " " Of course . I was fifteen years old . I had been masturbating since I was thirteen . It was what my dad did next that really fascinated me . He pushed the woman down on the bed and he climbed between her legs and started to eat her pussy . I had never even dreamed about doing that but there was my dad sucking away on her puss . " " Hell no . It gave me another hard on . The idea appealed to me right away and then when he got on the bed and she started to suck on his cock while he ate her I had a second orgasm . I had managed to catch both loads in my hand . They weren 't very big after all , I was only fifteen . " My dad had just started to push his cock into the woman when I heard the door open behind me . I didn 't have to turn around to know who it was . My problem was to get my cock back into my pants before my mom saw me . I managed to hide my dick but not before my mom saw me standing at her bedroom door . She came over to me and put her hand on my shoulder and started to say something to me when she looked into the bedroom and saw my dad with his friend . " " No . I just thought that it was natural for a guy to want as many women as he could get . I guess it was a mistake for him to bring his lady friend to our house but my mom wasn 't supposed to come home that early . " " Like I said , he didn 't leave my mom kicked his ass out . Other than that I had a pretty good childhood . I don 't remember anything all that upsetting happening to me . " " You know I never really counted but there were more than a fifty over the last eighteen years . Some lasted more than a year , others only a night or two . You want me to talk about all of them ? " " I want to hear you tell your story without interruptions , " she said . " That will give me a better feel for who you are than if I lead the conversation . Don 't worry , I will have questions when you are done talking . " " Don 't worry , I am not easily offended . I have heard it all before , " she said . Just tell the story as if you were bragging to a friend only don 't exaggerate . Try to be truthful . " It was funny . I had always wanted to brag about my sexual exploits to a woman and now I was going to get the chance . For the next forty - five minutes I talked nonstop . What follows , as best as I can remember , is the story I told Dr . Haverty that day . My first real girlfriend was Tracy Fowler . We started dating toward the end of our senior year in high school and by May we thought we were in love . We had been dating for just over two months when I took Tracy 's virginity at her parent 's house . Tracy 's parents were going out of town for the weekend and they were leaving Tracy at home alone . Earlier in the week Tracy and I were sitting in my car necking when she told me about her parents going away for the weekend . We began discussing what we could do while they were away but I was afraid to suggest having sex so I suggested that we have a party . Tracy nixed that idea . She said she would never be able to get away with that . The neighbors would tell her parents . I had Tracy pretty hot that night so I asked her if we could have sex when her parents were away . I was surprised when she agreed . I guess she was as eager to try it as I was . The night Tracy 's left we had been at a dance at the high school . We went to Tracy 's house after the dance , put some music on and sat down on the sofa . I immediately put my arm around her and we started necking . You have to remember that we were just eighteen years old and neither of us had any prior sexual experience . I had done some necking before but nothing more than that . Our kissing quickly escalated from light pecking to very passionate kisses . I slipped my tongue over Tracy 's lips and she opened her mouth just a little and let my tongue run between her lips . For the next several minutes we were locked in deep tongue kisses . I began rubbing Tracy 's breasts through her shirt . Tracy pulled my hand away from her breasts and pushed me off her . She stood up and I was starting to apologize for whatever I had done wrong when she stopped me . Then she started to unbutton her shirt . I asked her to let me do it for her and I stood up I opened the rest of the buttons on her shirt and helped her take it off . Tracy dropped the shirt on a chair and turned to face me . I couldn 't help staring at her bra and I began to have difficulty breathing . Tracy opened the button on her jeans and unzipped them . Then she pushed the jeans down over her hips and let them slide down her legs to the floor . She was now standing in front of me wearing only her bra and panties . I wanted to tell her how sexy she looked but I couldn 't seem to get my mouth to work . Tracy bent down and picked up her jeans and placed them on the chair where she had put her shirt . By the time Tracy sat back down next to me my cock was almost ready to explode . I started kissing her again and playing with her breasts . I took my time and was very gentle . I knew that Tracy might stop me at any moment so I didn 't want to scare her by moving to fast . By the time I finally reach around behind her and unhooked her bra she was ready . I removed her bra and threw it on the chair with the rest of her clothes and began to gently kiss her breasts . I kissed and sucked on one and then the other . I licked and sucked on her nipples . Then I ran my hand up her leg and let it rest on the outside of her panties for a minute . I waited to see if she was going to stop me and when she didn 't make any move to stop me , I began rubbing her pussy through her panties . I could feel the heat from her sex on my fingers followed by the growing damp spot in her panties . Tracy pulled my mouth to hers to kiss me and I slipped my hand inside her panties and began rubbing her naked pussy . I had never touched a woman down there before . The only actual pussy I had ever seen was the one I saw that night in my dad 's bedroom . I liked what I was feeling but I had no idea what I was supposed to do . The only thing I knew was that whatever I was doing Tracy seemed to be enjoying it . I pressed my fingers against her slit and one of them slipped inside her . I loved the way she felt inside , warm and wet . I wiggled my finger around as I moved it in and out of her slit and while I did this Tracy started humping my hand and letting out a soft moan . I didn 't know it at the time but Tracy apparently had a small orgasm while I was fingering her . I continued to push my finger in and out of her and her pussy juices began to run down my wrist . I continued to finger Tracy 's pussy as she slid down onto the sofa . Tracy was lying on her back with her eyes closed and when I pulled my hand out of her panties , she sighed but didn 't open her eyes . I stood up and removed my pants , shirt , and my underpants and dropped them on the floor . Then I began to pull Tracy 's panties off . She opened her eyes but didn 't say anything . She just stared at my stiff cock . I stood next to the sofa and Tracy reached out and touched my cock . It jumped and surprised her . Tracy laughed and I made it jump again . Then she wrapped her fingers around it and pulled me closer to her . Tracy kept her hand on my cock as I sat back down with her . She began stroking me as I went back to sucking on her nipples and pushing my finger inside her pussy . After a few minutes I kissed Tracy and then asked if she was ready . " Tracy watched me roll the condom onto my cock . I had practiced putting a condom on , so that I wouldn 't look foolish the first time I used one . I was having difficult time trying to remain calm as I was getting more excited by the second , knowing that in a minute I was going to actually be inside Tracy for the first time . Inside a woman for the first time . I had been waiting for this moment for a long time . I got between Tracy 's legs and lay on top of her and I used my hand to guide my cock to her opening . It took me a few tries to find the hole and when I felt the tip of my cock pressing against her pussy I felt my excitement growing . I finally found the opening and as I began to slide my cock into her , I had to stop when I was in only a short way . Tracy asked if it was going to hurt and I said I didn 't know . Tracy said do it fast , and get it over with . " I gave one quick push and slid all of the way into her . Tracy gave a little whimper , and then she made me stop and hold her for a minute until the pain went away . I was very gentle and kept asking her if she was all right . In a couple of minutes she told me to start moving slowly and she should be okay . For the next fifteen minutes I stroked in and out of Tracy very slowly , bringing her to one terrific orgasm and then I climaxed . I held her for a few minutes then I pulled out . Afterwards , we sat and watched television in the nude and played around with each other . Tracy liked playing with my cock and I wanted to get a better look at her pussy . We explored each other 's bodies for a while and when my cock got hard , I got another condom out and we had sex again . After that first night , we had sex every chance we got usually in the back seat of my car . In the middle of July I ran into Karen Barnett one night , when Tracy was out of town visiting her grand parents . Karen was really hot . She had blond hair and blue eyes and a great body . Until that night I thought I was in love with Tracy and would never cheat on her , but when I sensed that Karen liked me I knew I had to have her . I managed to give Karen the impression that I had broken up with Tracy without ever saying that I had . Otherwise , she would never have agreed to go out with me . Karen was a friend of Tracy 's so I had to be careful that Karen didn 't find out I was still dating Tracy and that Tracy didn 't find out I had started dating Karen . The first time I had sex with Karen was in the back seat of my car . The car was a ten - year - old Lincoln Town Car my uncle sold me . It was a great car for going out on dates because of the large back seat . Tracy and I had fucked many times in the back seat of that car by the time I got Karen into the back seat . That night I took Karen out to a movie and then we went parking . The uncle that sold me the car had an old farm a few miles outside of town and that was where I always went parking . It was private property but I had my uncle 's permission to be there . I parked the car far enough up the driveway that it couldn 't be seen from the road and we sat and listened to the radio as we began necking . After a half hour of heavy petting , with our clothes on , I suggested that we get in the back seat . There was something in the way that Karen had teased me ; that told me she had done this before . Knowing this , as soon as we got into the back seat I started to unbutton Karen 's shirt and she didn 't stop me . I soon had Karen 's shirt and bra off and was sucking on her nipples . Karen was wearing shorts with an elastic waistband , which made slipping my hand inside her panties quite easy . I had just started to finger her pussy when Karen stopped me . Karen lifted her legs up and pushed her shorts and panties off in one quick motion and then she pulled me on top of her and kissed me . I slipped my hand between us and started to finger Karen 's already wet pussy . Karen began nibbling on my ear and then started to whisper to me . I couldn 't believe what she was asking me . It was something I had thought about many times after seeing my dad doing it but I had never had the nerve to suggest it to Tracy . Karen had me so horny that the idea of getting my face that close to her pussy appealed to me very much . Karen moved back so that she was leaning against the door and her legs were on the seat . I had to open the door on my side of the car to get more room . I had my feet on the ground outside the car , and I leaned in and moved my upper body onto the seat between Karen 's legs . Karen moved her right leg out and put her foot up on the back of the driver 's seat giving me access to her pussy . My car was full of the musky scent of her sex . There was nothing unpleasant about the smell so I was encouraged to move closer to her mound . The closer I got , the stronger her scent became and the more I liked it . When I was close enough to press my lips against her pussy , Karen put her hands on the back of my head and pulled my mouth against her wet opening . After her orgasm Karen told me it was my turn but I didn 't know what she meant . She told me to take my pants off and get back in the car , which I did . Then Karen took my cock into her mouth . This was my first blowjob and it was fantastic . Karen had me close to climaxing a couple of times , but she seemed to know when to stop to keep me from coming . I didn 't think I could handle any more when Karen finally stopped . I reached for my wallet and pulled out a condom but when Karen saw it she said , " You don 't need that . I 'm safe . I 'm on the pill and I want to feel your juices inside me " So I dropped my wallet and the condoms on the floor and moved on top of her . Karen put her right leg up on the back of the front seat and her left leg going up the back seat with her foot on the rear deck under the window . I got between her legs and pushed my cock into her pussy . I had known all along that Karen wasn 't a virgin but she was so tight , that she could easily have made me believe she was a virgin if she had wanted to . When I was all the way inside her tight , warm , and juicy love tunnel ; I was laying on top of her with my knees bent and my feet pressing against the window in the back door . I began stroking my cock into Karen and she lifted her hips on each down stroke . We soon had a very comfortable rhythm going and we kept that steady pace until we both climaxed . That was the first time I had sex without a condom and it was the best . I knew right then that no matter what happened with Tracy I was going to keep fucking Karen . Everything was great until the middle of August . I was dating both Karen and Tracy and getting more sex than I had ever dreamed of getting . It was then that Tracy told me she didn 't want to go out with me any more . She said she was going to be leaving for college in two weeks and she didn 't want to be going steady anymore . It pissed me off that she broke up with me but I was sure that she 'd be back . I was her first and a woman never forgets her first . I knew that she would always be thinking about my cock and how it felt that first time . I knew that I would bed her again and I told her so . " Barry , we are just getting started . You will need to tell the rest of your story so that you can understand what is happening to you . We will have to meet at least five more times , maybe more . It all depends on you , " she said . " Any woman can be taken from her man . If you know the right things to say to a woman it doesn 't matter how much she loves another man , she can still be seduced . If you happen to be the one who took her virginity it just makes it easier to take her , " I said . I showed up ten minutes early for my second appointment with Dr . Haverty . I wanted to use the extra time to see if I could get a date with Linda . When I walked into the office Linda looked up at me and smiled . " That is very inappropriate behavior . I don 't want you trying to get dates with my staff do you understand ? " Dr . Haverty said . I could hear anger in her voice . " Okay , I got the message . Sorry . " I said . In the back of my mind I wondered if she was jealous . I hoped she was . " Last week you were telling me about Tracy and Karen , " Dr . Haverty said . " You said that Tracy broke up with you because she didn 't want to be going steady with you when she left for college . Why don 't you pick up your story from there ? "

It was a crazy time for everyone . You know how it is in August . The rains are really heavy , and half the time the school bus is late . Or your shoes get wet on the way to the bus stop and you feel so cold ! And when you get to school , the prefect scolds you for being late or not wearing your socks . ( I told her they were wet , but she just would not listen . She can be mean ! ) August is also when all the festivals come . I don 't know why they must always come in the monsoon . November , now that is a good month ! Lots of good things happen in November . My friend Aishwarya 's birthday is in November , for example ! August is a month of wet shoes and unit tests . In the middle of all the unit tests and homework , this year , my school decided to have a dance program for Navaratri . Practices would start two months early , in August . Of course , Aishwarya and I raised our hands to participate . Aishwarya is the best dancer in my class . And I also love to dance . There would be three different dance performances on the last three days of Navaratri . The small girls would dance the first day . They were going to do many folk dances of India - bhangra , garba , koli dance and dances like that . The big girls would dance the second day . They were going to dance some story about Rama or Krishna . The best dancers in the school - small and big - would dance on the third day . I feel very proud to tell you that we were straight away chosen for the third day . I told you Aishwarya was the best and I am also quite good . On the third day , we would each get a chance to choreograph ( that means to make up your own dance and dance steps , in case you don 't know ) a small dance item for about five minutes . We could choose our own music and if we wanted we could ask others to dance with us or we could dance solo . Wasn 't that exciting ? Aishwarya and I began to discuss what music we wanted to use . We both like to dance , but we like different music . I like film songs , remixes and pop music but she likes classical music . We decided to make up two dances but On Teacher 's Day in our school , the teachers go away for a holiday and the senior girls teach . They dress up in saris and wear make - up and they come to our classes and we have to be nice to them . In the afternoon , they treat the teachers to lunch or to a movie , but we are not allowed to go . Anyway , that morning , while other people were in classes , the head - girl was supposed to check and make sure everyone had chosen their music and begun thinking about their dance . That was when it happened . It was Aishwarya 's turn to play her music and show the head - girl that it would not take more than five minutes . When she reached into her bag , there was no tape . The head - girl got quite angry . Aishwarya said , " I promise , I brought it , I did the work , it was right here in this pocket . " But it wasn 't . I had also seen the tape there . I told the head - girl but she just scolded me also . Crest - fallen , we left the auditorium where we had assembled for this . Aishwarya was going to cry , I could see , so I consoled her saying that it could have fallen out of her bag when she was getting off the school bus . " Was it a copy or the original ? " " A copy , " she said , brightening . So I went with her to her house straight from school and we made another copy . We showed it to the head - girl the next day and played it for her and she said it was okay . We were very relieved ! We were already practicing by our selves , but the big rehearsals began on the 13th of September , which would give us about a month before the big show . There is a girl called Rachna in the eighth standard . She has been learning dance for a long time and she was going to do a Kathak - style dance . She was putting on her ghunghroos when she suddenly screamed . Her hands and her foot were bleeding and there was blood all over the ground . She was crying and the head - girl held her while telling people to go get a teacher , get the first aid kit , and get someone grown - up . Aishwarya and I stayed put and we saw what had happened . There was a rusty nail sticking out of the ghunghroo from between the bells on the inside , so when she tied it on , it poked her and tore her skin . But why would there be a rusty nail in a ghunghroo she had used and put away carefully just the previous day ? We felt very sorry for Rachna . It did not look like she would be able to dance for a few days at least and we knew that if she missed practice she may not be allowed to dance at the show . How disappointed we would be in her place ! The teachers arrived , and the head - girl was sent to take up practice again . So we got distracted too . Practice was everyday and so we were back the next day in the same place at the same time . Everybody except Rachna was there . That day , our dance teacher and the vice - principal also came and as the head - girl called us one by one , they made some notes . They wanted to decide the sequence in which we would dance at the show . At the end of the session , we walked over to where we had kept our bags and shoes . Aishwarya and I were busy talking , as we got ready to go , when something fell . We swung around and it was a big cardboard box full of old newspapers . One of the seventh standard students was standing under it and she fell , but when she fell , she knocked down an umbrella stand . Thank god , there were no umbrellas to poke her eyes ! She just sat on the ground in shock . We just stared , rooted to the ground . No one moved to help her . It had happened so fast that we were stunned . The teachers came running . One of them helped her up and checked for injuries while the other turned around and asked us , " Who kept that box there ? " " We don 't know , ma ' am . We didn 't see anybody . " " Who else was here ? " We couldn 't answer that question either . It was not a very good question anyway because during the day anyone could have come there . And in any case , only some of the big girls could actually reach that place to put something there . The third day , we heard that Rachna had to have tetanus injections . We did not know if she would be able to dance in the show . The seventh standard girl was there - we found out her name is Meena . The rehearsal went smoothly except that some of us started giggling and couldn 't stop at all . But even the head - girl was smiling so it was okay . We escaped ! When we came out , one of the girls put her foot in her shoe , and screamed - there was a dead lizard inside . The shoes had just been there an hour or so . How long does it take for a lizard to crawl in and die ? We shuddered and left . Still , we gave it no thought . After all , our school had large grounds and a garden . The next day , when we went for practice , our teachers came back . They wanted to finalize the sequence of dances . So we all did our dances according to the order that they had prepared earlier . Just after mine was a fifteen - minute dance by three girls who had pooled in their time . It was very nice , a little story actually . I was removing my ghunghroos and standing under a fan , when one of them slipped on stage . Ouch ! The teachers , the head - girl and everyone else crowded on stage . They made us all go away . I did not understand . Aishwarya and I had just danced there and we had not slipped . I was going to say this to Aishwarya and I noticed she wasn 't standing with me . Everyone else had gone and the stage was empty . Maybe she went to the bathroom , I thought , and I picked up her schoolbag and mine and went outside . We heard the next day that there was cold cream on the stage . What I did not understand was how anyone could have put cold cream on the stage between our dance and theirs . There was hardly any time in between and everybody was right there . I replayed what had happened then . I left the stage first , and then Aishwarya did , a few seconds later . As soon as I got off , the head - girl came to ask me if my dance had a name . Then the teachers also came to talk to me . They wanted to tell me that I needed to bring full information about the song I was using Our next day 's rehearsal was cancelled since they had to clean the stage . hen we met two days later , the head - girl was absent . nother captain took up our practice . he was allergic to something in the room and kept on sneezing , her eyes watering . t was very mean of us but we could not stop laughing . inally , she stopped practice early and we all came home . The teachers came the next day because the head - girl was still sick . For three days , the rehearsals went smoothly . Then on the fourth day , something else happened . Again it happened to Aishwarya 's tape . I was sure it was jinxed . She put her tape in and it did not play beyond a couple of notes , it did not play . So we all crowded around the cassette player to see . It was stuck . Well , that happens , you will say ! But here 's what was really strange - it was stuck by bubble - gum ! Just minutes ago , one girl had been dancing to another tape , and now suddenly there was bubble - gum in the cassette deck . How could this happen ? Aishwarya is so finicky , her first reaction was not , " My tape is spoilt ! " but " Yuck ! Jootha bubble gum ! " I couldn 't stop laughing , but inside a part of me was wondering . What is going on ? The following morning , I asked one of the girls in my class , Annie , who was in the other program if their rehearsals were going okay . She said , " Yes , we are practicing everyday . But I heard that things keep happening at your rehearsals . " I told her about the nail , the dead lizard , the cardboard box , the missing tape and the bubble - gum . She shook her head and said , " Too bad Nancy Drew isn 't here ! " No , I thought , but I am . Did I already tell you that I love detective stories ? Why don 't I solve this mystery , I thought . The first puzzle was to decide whether these were just many accidents or very foul play . Could there be so many accidents in a row ? That would make it a jinx . But do jinxes exist ? That was a mystery I could not solve . I knew that . It seemed highly unlikely that everyday for a week almost one thing should go wrong . I decided it was foul play because it just did not seem right to me . I was going to tell Aishwarya about it . After all , she was my best friend and we kept no secrets from each other . For some reason , I did not get a chance that day . The next day , I woke up with red , itchy eyes . I hate conjunctivitis ! So I could not go to school or see Aishwarya after school . No storybooks , no TV . But I had a lot of time to think about this mystery as my mother made me lie down with my eyes closed . I went over the events of each day . Day One : Aishwarya 's tape had gone missing . One minute it was there and the next , it wasn 't . Day Two : Rachna and the rusty nail . Even now I shudder to think about it . Day Three : The falling cardboard box and the near miss with the umbrella stand . Day Five : Cream on the stage . Right after our dance . Day Six : Chewing gum in the cassette deck . Poor Aishwarya ! I began to think about it . Detectives in storybooks always look for motives . So why would anyone do these things ? Were they meant to be a joke ? Impossible because the rusty nail could have become really seriously septic and box and cream resulted in fractures . I couldn 't think of anyone who would find those things funny . Someone , I thought , was trying to stop the program from taking place . But who ? And why ? Maybe it was someone who was not chosen to take part . But they would have had to be at the rehearsals each time . The dead lizard was put into that girl 's shoe during the rehearsal . The cream on the stage and the bubble - gum in the tape deck were put right before they were found . In the case of the first , we had just finished dancing and in the case of the second , someone else 's tape had just been taken out of the deck . This brings us to the next question all detectives ask . Who had the opportunity ? All the girls who were at the rehearsal . I could not suspect the teachers . After all , what would they gain from the cancellation of the programme ? For that matter , it was hard to see what the head - girl would gain or what any of the participants would gain . Still , a good detective would not give up so easily . So I began to think . Who could have removed the tape from Aishwarya 's bag ? Only she and I knew it was there . I did not . Why would she ? Who could have found a rusty nail and put it in Rachna 's ghunghroo ? Anybody could have found the nail . Who would have had a chance to put it in the ghunghroo ? I thought about all of us at the rehearsal . We would come in to the lobby of the auditorium and take off our shoes and leave our bags . Then we would go in with our ghunghroos ( if we were using them ) and put them on . Then , I remembered . That day , Rachna did not put hers on immediately . She was putting them on in the middle of rehearsal when she found the nail - or rather , the nail found her ! So , someone could have put the nail there while she was watching the rehearsal . I began to think of who else was in the room . We were not allowed to the leave without permission and as far as I know everyone stayed inside . Except Rachna . She got permission to use the toilet , and her ghunghroos were lying in the seat next to Aishwarya . Everyone else was sitting too far away to get up and walk to them without being noticed or scolded . But of course , Aishwarya would never do such a thing . I was left pondering . Similarly , who could have put the cardboard box in that odd place ? First of all , none of us were tall enough . Yes , anyone could have walked in and done it , but why would they ? It had to be someone from this group . That was a tough one . Someone would have had to carry it in unseen , and then found a way to keep it on top so that it would fall down . It was easier to see how someone could slip a dead lizard into a shoe . But the thought that someone would find a dead lizard , carry it in and then drop it in a shoe was just horrible . Who was so full of hatred or anger that they were willing to carry a dead lizard ? I could not think of anyone like that , least of all in our dance programme group . Then , I remembered something really unpleasant . Aishwarya had found a dead lizard in her house and was going to bring it to school to show in science class . She was less squeamish than I about animals but I know her , I love her and I know she is not like that . She is too nice to do such a horrible thing . The cream on the stage was the next accident . Again , I remembered that Aishwarya had not been with me right after our dance . We were all talking on the side and she came joined us a minute or two later . She certainly had the opportunity . But what would be the motive ? After all , a cancelled show meant that she would not get to dance . I could not believe I was actually wondering about my best friend . I got really angry with myself and tried to fall asleep . But that doubt remained with me . And then it cleared . After all , Aishwarya was the victim of the next accident . Why would she spoil her own tape with chewing gum ? My mind answered : so that no one would suspect her . This was not nice at all . I did not want to be a detective any more . I wanted to cry . But my eyes were hurting and it was hard to cry . What a horrible day ! It is not nice to walk around school suspecting your best friend of doing mean things . For that matter , it is not nice to walk around school suspecting that anyone there would be that mean - spirited . I think most people are actually nice . I could not tell anyone what I thought . After all , she was my best friend and I could not say bad things about her . It was a horrible day at school . Particularly because Aishwarya was so nice to me all day . As soon as I walked in , she came running and gave me a hug and said , " I missed you so much ! " Then she had got me a chocolate . I had spent the entire day at home thinking about how she could have done those horrible things . So I decided , such a nice person cannot do those things . It is impossible . I am a very stupid and a very bad person . We had rehearsal again in the evening . This would be the last one for a week . We had to practice everyday by ourselves but would not practice in sequence until next week . Everyone wanted to know where I was the previous day , were my sore eyes okay now , where did I catch the disease . It was nice that all the big girls also came and talked to me . I felt very important . I cannot forget what happened that day . In Aishwarya 's dance , there was a part where we had to dance together like those ballerinas . You know , where the male and female ballerina dance together and the male ballerina holds the female ballerina ? They do very hard things like jump and he carries her in the air and all . Of course , we could not do all that . We were supposed to circle the stage with Aishwarya standing behind holding me . We were moving really fast , and suddenly she left me . I fell on my face , and cut my chin . I also bruised my knee . There was lots of confusion and people after that . But I remember two things clearly . First , I remember that everyone crowded around , asking how I was , telling me not to cry , getting me water . Aishwarya was not there . She was just standing in the back . And she did not say sorry . When I thought that , I started crying . I know I am not a baby and I should not cry like that . That is what my mother said when she came to school . When I saw her I cried even more . How could my best friend be so mean ? So I did . What a relief to tell someone all about the accidents , and the motive , and the opportunity , and how terrible it was that my best friend would do these things . She listened quietly . Then , instead of saying , " We must get her expelled , " she began smiling , then laughing . " My dear girl , " she said , " what you have is what Perry Mason calls circumstantial evidence ! Those are all coincidences . It does not mean Aishwarya did those things . It is just that she could have done them or that they happened in ways that she could have done them . " When she said that , I felt so light . Of course . I always watch Perry Mason on cable TV . Of course . Actually , I was never sure what circumstantial evidence meant , but now I knew and I was so happy to know . Just then , the phone rang . It was Aishwarya 's mother . " Aishwarya has not stopped crying since she got home . She says she made your daughter get hurt . Is the child all right ? Can we come over ? " " She will be fine and it would be a wonderful idea for you to come over . " Ma looked at me and said , " You have to clear this up with Aishwarya . " She was right , as always . Aishwarya and her mother came within an hour . " I am so sorry , " she said . " My hands were sweaty and you slipped out of them . We can change that part of the dance . " " What for ? " Then , I told her . She got very angry with me . " How could you think I would do such things ? " I was very quiet while she talked to me angrily . I thought I deserved it for my suspicions . Suddenly , she began laughing . That is Aishwarya for you - one moment angry , one moment giggling . " What are you laughing at ? " I asked , puzzled . She could barely speak . " How could I have put that cream , silly ? You know I am allergic to cream and that is why I have to use coconut oil on my face and body . And that is why my hands got sweaty today . " I was so relieved , I also began laughing . We began talking about all the things that had happened and how strange they were . We decided that someone was trying to stop the show and that we would have to do something about it . 5 . Investigation underway The next day during the short break , Aishwarya and I went to the corner of the school ground . We had a plan . At the next big rehearsal , we would not sit together before and after our dance . We would sit at two ends of the room and watch everyone closely - who comes in , who comes out , who looks suspicious . And if anyone left the room , one of us would sneak out and shadow them . The rehearsal began . Now , we were practicing in the sequence of the final program . Aishwarya 's dance was fifth and mine ninth and so we both had to be present at the fifth and ninth items . That could not be helped . We would just have to hope that nothing happened at that time . Luckily the first person to leave the room left during the eleventh item . Aishwarya left to follow her , and I stayed behind to make some excuse for Aishwarya if anyone noticed . Aishwarya followed the girl to the toilet and straight back . That was both a relief and a disappointment . Just as she was coming back , another girl got up to go out , and she did not ask for permission . That made me suspicious . I got up to follow her out , but Aishwarya had not returned . Luckily she entered just as the girl was slipping out of sight . I moved quickly and slipped out of the auditorium . The girl walked out to a safe distance and pulled out a cigarette . I was shocked ! But I was also a little relieved . The truth is , I am not sure what I would have done if she had been the person we were looking for . I am not the police or the principal after all . I saw her put the cigarette in her mouth , and then I went back to the auditorium . It was her problem that she had this bad habit and if I told , I would have to explain my sneaking out . She came back a few minutes later . I don 't know how she hid the smell . The rehearsal ended , and we went out to the lobby area for our bags . The teachers kept their shoes at the end of the shelf . On the shoe next to theirs , there was a cigarette stub that was still smoking . We now had a suspect . The girl whose shoe it was , was Annie 's cousin Louisa . The teachers were very angry with her and took her to the principal . I couldn 't say anything , I felt really bad . The girl who was smoking just looked and looked away . Who was she ? The next day , we asked some of the other girls who were one class ahead of us in school . " Do you know all the girls in the programme ? " They knew most of them . So we asked about each one - the girl in Rose house , the girls with the long hair in Lotus house , the girl whose shoe had the lizard . The girl who was smoking was Aarti and she was in the ninth standard . Aishwarya 's cousin 's friend was in the ninth standard , so we sat next to her at lunchtime . " How come you are not dancing in that program ? " we asked her . " How did people get chosen in your class ? " We did not really care , but we thought she would tell us about the other girls . We were quite clever . She did . Aarti had won a dance prize last year . Priya told us that she had lived in Japan when she was a child and she only joined our school two years ago . Aarti had a twin brother who went to another school ( naturally , because ours is a girls ' school ) . Aarti was also a good tennis player and she and her brother played together . Now , we were not that interested in Aarti . We did not know what information we really wanted so we let Priya talk and talk . We did not tell her what I had seen . One week before the program , we had one dress rehearsal so the teachers could check our costumes and we would have time to change them . At that dress rehearsal , we were watching Aarti closely . She just sat there . She had brought a book with her , and the only thing she did was to quietly read it while pretending to pay attention to the rehearsal . Four girls were about to perform a Naga dance . They had brought bamboo sticks with them and placed them on the side of the stage . When they went to pick up the sticks in the middle of the dance , the sticks were neatly cut into halves . They would have to go around Bombay looking for new sticks . The girls began crying . Aishwarya and I were dismayed . Aarti had not budged all hour long . It was not she . Then who ? We left the rehearsal frustrated . We were silent all the way home and then I went to Aishwarya 's house with her and we discussed what had happened . The girls had placed the sticks there , full at the beginning of their item . No , actually , they had done so right at the end of the previous dance , which was only by one person . There was however , some problem with their costumes and it was ten minutes before they started their dance . We tried really hard to remember where everyone was at that time and who went on stage . Rachna did . She had dropped something on the stage . But the rusty nail had hurt Rachna . Louisa went up to look for her ribbon , which had fallen off . Aarti had just sat and stared into space . Who could it have been ? Aishwarya and I were really puzzled . Perhaps we were just not good detectives . I told my mother this , and she said , " Of course not , you are great detectives . If you want to do something you can do it excellently . " Then , she looked at me and said , " But beta , some things are just meant to be mysterious . " That did not make any sense to me . If we could be excellent detectives , why would we be unable to figure out who was causing these accidents ? Sometimes mothers say strange things . We were getting really busy . The costumes had to be cleaned and pressed and ready . Each of us had two costumes and then we had to choose matching jewellery and things . Both our mothers were strict about what jewellery we could wear and so as far as possible it had to be things we made ourselves - no real jewellery and no buying jewellery and both our jewels had to match . So we were becoming good at crafting what we needed from aluminium foil , gold - colour paper , old beads and buttons . That is not what this story is about though - all I wanted to tell you is that the last week before the programme was really busy with all these small - small things . We had the first dress rehearsal - the first time we were meeting after the bamboo sticks were broken . All of us were tense . After all , so many accidents had taken place through the last two months . This rehearsal went off without a hitch . Maybe the jinx was over . Maybe we had had so much bad luck that now there was none left to have . That is what we hoped . They were false hopes though . I still cannot get over what happened at the second and final dress rehearsal ( which was on the day of the second programme , but we used the stage first in the afternoon ) . I told you that in our programme , each of us had to choreograph an item for five minutes . The teachers did something really clever . They saw all our items and using something from each of them , made up an introductory and a farewell item in which all the students danced together . As the final dress rehearsal began , all of us then went on stage , and as we started dancing , one of the floorboards on the stage just snapped ! I can still feel the stunned silence . We just froze where we were . Luckily no one was standing at that spot but we had all danced over it in the previous minute or two . The floor was fine all these days and the board just snapped right then . Some of the girls began crying . To tell the truth , I also felt like crying but I couldn 't . I was like ice . I slowly looked for Aishwarya and she was shivering and sweating at the same time . The teachers came running up and the prefects also came and began leading us off - stage . The teachers sent for the school caretaker . This was a serious safety issue and also in three or four hours , parents would be coming in for the evening programme . We just sat around quietly for an hour or so , sometimes talking , sometimes just crying or sitting quietly . None of us could understand what was going on . After a very long time , the teachers came and sat down and asked us how we were . We muttered that we were okay . Isn 't it strange that you never really say you are not ? And I suppose that by saying you are okay , you become okay too . The vice - principal said , " It will take them a few hours to repair the stage , so today 's programme is being postponed to the day after tomorrow . " How disappointing for those students and their families ! Then she looked at us and said , " This particular group has had more than its share of bad luck , so I am going to ask you this and I want you to tell me honestly as if I was your friend or your mother . We are willing to cancel this show if you all feel like you don 't want to do this any more . " " Think about it . If you don 't want to do it , we can announce the cancellation today , and then you can perform this quietly during a school assembly some time . Nobody will say anything to you . Nobody will scold you . " She paused again . " If you do decide to go ahead with the programme , then we will have the rehearsal in the morning , and the programme can go on in the evening . " No one said anything . Everyone must have felt a little like I did . I was scared - what else could happen to us ? But not dancing tomorrow was such a sad thought . Then my best friend said , " I think that we should still have the programme . After all , if someone is doing all this on purpose , we should not let them have their way . " Then Aarti said , " I agree , we have been working so hard on this . " She looked at Aishwarya and asked , " Do you really think someone is doing this on purpose . " I almost blurted out , " Yes , and we thought it was you ! " But luckily , I didn 't . One by one , everyone expressed similar views . And Rachna said , " I must confess I am scared . I have already had one accident and so many horrible things have happened , I am afraid of what is left to happen . " When she voiced that fear , she gave us all permission to be scared also . Scared or not , the teachers came back to a clear decision : The show must go on . We went back the next morning , with a prayer in all our hearts that everything should go well . Everyone - our parents , our teachers , and our classmates - told us we were really brave and they were really proud of us . That made us feel much better . Making the correct decision always feels good even if it is not safe or easy , don 't you think ? The morning rehearsal went well , although we were getting nervous . Everyone was really nice to us and one of the teachers actually bought us all samosas as a treat . ( Although , if one of us had got an upset stomach it would not have seemed like such a good idea ! ) It was actually a holiday so we went home for lunch and returned at 4 to put on our first costumes and get ready . The show began at 6 . From the stage we kept peeping out to see if our families had come yet . I spotted Aishwarya 's family - her grandparents were there , and her baby cousin and all the other people . I spotted my family too - my mother was there and so was my sister . I pointed them out to Aishwarya . She began waving as if they could see from that distance , and she was waving so hard she almost fell out to the other side of the stage curtain ! It was 5 . 45 . The teachers came in and made us all close our eyes and sit quietly for a long time . Then they asked us to breathe deeply , in and out , in and out . We learn yoga in school and that is called pranayama , in case you did not know . It makes you calm and it gives you energy . At 6 p . m . sharp , the curtains went up . The first chords of the first item started , and we all trooped out on stage . After that it was like clockwork . In to change , out to dance , in to change , help someone else , out to dance , in to change , sit quietly , help someone else , out to dance , start clearing up and packing up , out for the final dance item and then curtains . We got a standing ovation . Naturally . First of all , we were really good . Secondly , the audience had people who loved us and they would have clapped anyway . I said this to Aishwarya and she gave me that disapproving look of hers and said , " Come on , just accept that they liked it ! " Sometimes she sounds like a grown - up ! The principal was saying something on the mike . Suddenly , someone burst into the green room and said , " Come back to the stage all of you ! " What a surprise awaited us there ! Each of us got a special certificate ( my mother called it " commendation " ) for courage and tenacity ( that means that you stick to something once you start ; I thought she said tennis - city ! ) . The principal had told the audience all the things that had happened to us during rehearsals . She told them that in spite of everything , we wanted to dance that night . The audience stood up and gave us a standing ovation . Wow ! I cannot tell you how great I felt . Aishwarya , who always has the right words for everything said , " That is what the seventh heaven of delight must be like . " Aishwarya and I met our families off - stage and they had another surprise for us - we were going out for dinner and could choose between chat and pizza . Wow ! What a perfect day ! Aishwarya and I still don 't know who did all those things . For that matter , no one does . Were they really accidents ? Did someone try to stop us and fail ? Maybe we will never know . What we do know is that we had a lot of fun - dancing , planning the dances and the costumes , playing detective ( except for when I suspected Aishwarya ) and then being the brave heroines of the school . I wish though that Rachna had not got hurt and the other bad things had not happened . And I am sorry that I had to keep quiet when Louisa got into trouble ; luckily , they believed her . As our mothers said at the celebration dinner , you cannot know the reason for everything . And maybe it is not worth knowing . Maybe . I will leave it to you to solve the mystery . Why do you think it happened ? Who do you think did it ? How do you think they did it ? While you worry about it , my friend and I have exams to study for , and Diwali to get excited about , and then Aishwarya 's birthday on November 18th ! All I can say is , " WOW ! " Swarna Rajagopalan

There was a house , not a real fancy house , nor not a very plain house , but a nice house . It was not a small house nor a big house either . It had a front porch for sitting and visiting when the mosquitoes would let you . Word was it belonged to a man named McLean : a man that had moved away from Manassas to this remote village to get his family away from the war after a cannon ball ripped through their kitchen . At any other time in the past four years this would have been a great irony . But , not today , the war stopped here . It was a Sunday in April when the soft woods are starting to bud , the hard woods , the oaks and the walnuts would wait until the days were a little longer before their stolid branches would turn green with leaves . Next to the house the hyacinths were beginning to push their blue tops out of the ground , and it wouldn 't be long before the tulips came in . The house yard was just starting to turn from brown to green ; that is where it was not worn down by treading . The eyes of sixty thousand men were watching the house knowing that a momentous event was to take place this Palm Sunday . First came General Lee dressed in his finest uniform , a shining saber at his side . He was astride Traveler who was known to every soldier in the Army of Northern Virginia . He stopped and patted Traveler 's neck saying something that only he and the horse could hear . Dismounting he handed the reins to a young Union soldier then gave a perfunctory salute as he courteously removed his hat at the door . The wait continued : sixty thousand men and only a slight murmur here and there . Then out of the Union side came , " Hey , Johnny we sure licked you at Gettysburg " . The tension broke for a moment with cat calls and whistles then grew quiet again . " You had us bested ' cause you had so many catch up with you that were still running away from Manassas Junction , " came in retort . Cat calls and whistling again . Then it all stopped ; General Grant had just ridden up to the house . He dismounted and all could see that his uniformCaptain Jonathon Jordan sat his horse so he could see over the heads of the men standing two hundred deep . He could see even at this distance the arrival of General Lee and General Grant . He said nothing ; thinking only of what it would mean to be the conquered . Would they have to stay in some prison or would they be paroled ? And what would it be like at home with the Yankees in charge . Would it be the same , probably not , but how would it be different . He hadn 't heard from his family in over a year . They knew his brother had fallen at Sharpstown , but he wasn 't able to find his body because the Yankees chased them off . He just hoped that some farmer would bury him and say a few words over him . He had heard how this Yankee general , Sheridan , had moved up the valley running off livestock and burning houses , barns , and crops . " I hear they 're gonna let us keep our horses and maybe a sidearm , " he heard from another soldier nearby . " I don 't think they 'll let us keep a rifle or anything like that though , " came from another direction . " I live in the mountains and have to hunt for our food . How am I to do that with a pistol . Never could hit much with it anyway . Just used it to scare the Yankees , " came from behind him . He picked up his reins from the horses neck and turned him and began to maneuver his way through the horses and men . " Hey whar you goin ? " came from one soldier that had to move aside for him , " Just need to go back up in the woods for a bit , " he answered . He was asked this question many other times before he reached the end of the men and the beginning of the woods . He rode though the woods in a running walk looking for just the right spot . Seeing a big oak tree that sort of stood in a bunch of blackberry bushes , neither had leaves yet , he turned around he looked to make sure he was out of sight . Riding up he tied his horse 's reins to a bush and took out his saber . Putting the blade in the fork of the tree he pulled until it broke . Then leaving the point of the blade in the tree he began to use the other end to dig beside the tree . When he felt he had a hole big enough he went to his horse and took down a rolled up piece of Yankee tent . He laid it on the ground and unrolled it to see the almost new Spenser rifle along with two bags of cartridges then placed them in the hole . Taking his pistol from the hostler on his belt he looked at it and asked himself if the Yankees would let him keep this ; it was a good Union Navy Colt he had taken off a dead Yankee officer at Spotsylvania Court House . He grimaced as he thought back and saw again that the Yankee blown completely in two . It had all stopped for him right at that moment : the war was over ; I will fight no more ; it 's time for me to go home . He decided right then and there that he would stay with the troop to Lynchburg , but from there he would go home . He had given three years and a brother to the cause : a cause that was finished . That was enough . He placed the pistol with the rifle and threw in a bag of cartridges , rolled it all up and buried it leaving the broken blade in the tree to mark the spot . On the way back he crossed a small creek that was running with good clear water from the snow melt in the mountains . He stopped reached out and pulled the bridle off his horse and let him water off . The east reaching shadows were getting longer when he returned to the waiting men . The officers on the porch and in the yard were standing in small groups talking . The front door was still closed . He asked the time of those around him and one man had a watch ; it was nearly four - thirty . He had just settled back in his saddle to wait when the front door opened and an officer stepped out . It was a pensive moment ; the officers on the porch and in the yard gathered around . The sixty thousand men made very little noise . When an officer stepped to the edge of the porch and waved a paper the cacophony erupted . He could see the Union band playing in the street in front of the house but could not hear it over the shouting and guns being fired in the air . The southern boys were cheering but not as loud . It was a sad happiness ; they had lost but it was over . The officers began to fan out , grey and blue , to find their commanders so the message could be passed down the line . He just waited and watched his eyes tearing up with emotion . He thought of it all : the blood , the blown off arms and legs , the sight of men dying of disease cramped over in pain , and death the sometimes relief , the life ending of so many young men . He asked himself the question that he had asked over and over again , " what makes men do this to each other . Where does it begin , and where does it end . " He had no answer . " Captain Jordan , please come up . " He heard in the distance . Touching his horse with his spurs he began to move through the crowd of men who were spreading to make a path for him . He saw a group of company commanders gathering around his regimental commander . " Here is the message we need you to take to the troops . We for the Lord 's sake don 't want any incidents . These are the conditions of surrender . " He choked when he said the word surrender and his voice broke . It was a full minute before he could begin again . He took up a paper and began to read " ' In accordance with the substance of my letter to you of the 8th inst . , I propose to receive the surrender of the Army of N . Va . on the following terms , to wit : Rolls of all the officers and men to be made in duplicate . One copy to be given to an officer designated by me , the other to be retained by such officer or officers as you may designate . The officers to give their individual paroles not to take up arms against the Government of the United States until properly exchanged , and each company or regimental commander sign a like parole for the men of their commands . The arms , artillery and public property to be parked and stacked , and turned over to the officer appointed by me to receive them . This will not embrace the side - arms of the officers , nor their private horses or baggage . This done , each officer and man will be allowed to return to their homes , not to be disturbed by United States authority so long as they observe their paroles and the laws in force where they may reside . ' There will be three days time before this is concluded and for that period we will be considered prisoners of war with all the rights and privileges accorded . The Yankees have agreed to give us rations during that period as is only fitting . Gentlemen , you must relay this to your companies in a manner that it will be understood my each man . Warn them that any offense will be dealt with in the most severe manner . Before you go I wish to thank each and every one of you for Jonathon turned his horse and began moving through the crowd looking for his junior officers . As he saw one he beckoned him to join him and the other officers . As they gathered he began to relay the terms of surrender . They all sat on their horses without talking . " Gather ' round . Here are the conditions of surrender . " He told them what the cornel had read adding that they should find a way to help the enlisted men keep their horses . His heart sank ; the man looked so down trodden , " I doubt if anyone would take any Confederate money now . " Jonathon watched as the men rode through the men milling around . He felt almost sick inside thinking : four years and all those lives for what ? The Confederacy is gone and slavery is gone . Seems like such a great price to pay . He spotted a clear spot beside a tree near the line set up to be the barrier . He stepped down loosened his girth slid the saddle off laying it on the ground beside the tree , He pulled the bridle off and stooped down to place a set of hobbles on the front feet . Looking around he saw that there was no grass to eat . He patted the horse on the neck saying softly , " I 'll try and find you something to eat . " They hadn 't had any horse feed for a couple of days except for some dry corn fodder they found in an old vacant barn when out scouting . Some forage but not much nutrients . The horse stood there ; his head down relaxed . He knew to rest when he could . " Cap ' n mind if we share the tree with you ? " he asked stopping in front of Jonathon . " Sure , but I ain 't a captain anymore , just a prisoner named Jonathon Jordan . Unsaddle your horse and hobble him over there with mine , " he said without getting up . He motioned with his thumb towards where his horse was standing . " Name 's Virgil Cain . Used to be a lieutenant but now I 'm just like you a Yankee prisoner . " He put his saddle against the tree , took off his tunic and folded it to make a cushion . Virgil looked to be a couple years younger than Jonathon . He was light in weight from the war , but you could see that he had long straight hard muscles built up from hard work . His hair was longer than he liked it and his beard , not a beard grown and groomed , but only from not shaving , was choppy and uneven . His uniform looked like everyone else tattered and thread bare , and boots were worm completely leaving holes in the soles and vamps . He wore only one spur . Both men leaned back and sat quietly . Virgil was the first to speak , " I hope they come right along with that food they promised us . I ain 't et since day before yesterday . Then it was only some parched corn then . " " Hope they bring some horse feed too . I ain 't got as far to go as some , but I need Luther to carry me . " Turning to look at Virgil he asked , " how far you got to go ? I 'm just north and west of Staunton . Folks got a place up there we farm and raise horses ; not so many saddle horses but work horses . And , my pa will trade some mules once in a while if they come along . " Jonathon caught out of the corner of his eye a wagon loaded with hay and what appeared to be bags of grain . " Look over yonder , " he pointed , " let 's get over there and get some feed before it 's all gone . " He got up and started walking hurriedly towards the wagon . Virgil was already on his feet making big strides . They both returned with their arms full of hay and their hats full of grain . Jonathon led Luther a bit away from Virgil 's horse and dropped the hay and emptied his hat on the ground . Luther started to move over towards Virgil 's horse to fight him for his feed , but Jonathon smacked him with his hat and gruffly spoke , " Here get back over there and behave yourself . You got feed of your own . Don 't be worrying about anybody else 's . " He turned and followed Virgil back to the wagon for more feed . They returned with arms and hats full again . They dropped the hay along with the other . " Better hold off on giving them oats . They ain 't had none in a long time and they might founder . " They dumped the grain under their saddles and covered it up . The wagons with food had just started to pull up , and one was close to Jonathon and Virgil . They came back with a piece of salt pork clutching some hardtack biscuits in each hand . They each took out their knives and started eating without talking . Jonathon was the first to speak , " Damned if this ain 't the first time in a long time that these biscuits don 't have weevils in them . " Broke off another piece of hard tack and asked with a mouth full , " where you from , Virgil ? " " East Tennessee , little town of Greenville . My pa has a farm up in the holler . We didn 't go to town much , ' bout couple times a year was all . We had neighbors and a little school at somebody 's house and one of the mother 's would teach us . So , we didn 't need much . We didn 't have a preacher , but somebody would read from The Book on Sunday , then we 'd have a picnic or something . Nice place to live and raise a family . I got a neighbor girl I benna sparkin ' . Just hope she 's still there . You can bet on one thing when I get back there I 'm stayin ' . Ain 't leavin ' them hills for nobody . How ' bout you ? " " Looka yonder . The Yanks are settin ' up sentries . Guess they don 't want us to run off before they finish with us . " He watched as a sergeant marched a squad of soldiers in blue uniforms along the line leaving one off every fifty yards or so . A soldier was placed near Jonathon and Virgil ; they were next to the edge of the clearing . " Virgil , let me ask you something . " Jonathon leaned back against this saddle . " Why did you join up . I mean you could have stayed back in those Tennessee hills and just kept on living " . " We knew about the war from gossip , then one day a rider came through telling us that they were forming a company in town . Me and Nathan , my older brother , saw this as an adventure . We could leave the mountains and fight just like some of the stories in the Bible . Nathan was just rearing to go , and I would follow him to the end of the world . He fell at Shiloh on the first day just about the time we lost General Johnson . I buried him that night as best I could on the side of a hill overlooking the little town . We 'd only be in ' bout three months . " His voice began to break ; wiping his nose on his sleeve he went on , " Nathan was always the one for takin ' chances . Even as kids he was always getting us in trouble . I didn 't mind taking the whippings ; he was my big brother . I got home for just a little while a year and half ago , and told the folks about Nathan . I would rather be gut shot than see that look on my mama 's face again . I thought about just stayin ' , but we had the Home Guard : a bunch of cowards to scared and lazy to help out . If you didn 't go back they said you were a deserter and could be shot . One of them was my cousin . He said he couldn 't go because his back hurt him . That 's the same thing he said when there was work to be done . " After that I just kept goin ' . One day they asked if any of us could ride and wanted to be in the cavalry , and I said yes . And here I am three years later . " He stopped speaking and sat silently for a moment . " I 've seen enough for a hundred lifetimes . I have to tell you something : I was going to run off from this one . I was going home . " " I had a brother , name was Robert , only I was the big brother . " Jonathon began . " I lost him at Sharpsburg . He rode runner for Colonel Ashby in Jackson 's Army . We both rode for Colonel Ashby , one of the finest officers I will ever know . He fell at Port Republic not far from our place . " We knew about the war starting , but didn 't give it much thought until one day a horse buyer came by looking for horses . They were forming a cavalry under General Jackson down near Lexington . He had a string of about twenty - five horses already , and Pa sold him five more . He needed help to get the string to Lexington so Robert and me hired on to help him . We made a couple of more stops along the way and had over fifty head when we got to Lexington . " Before he would accept the horses , General Jackson wanted to see each one of them ridden . So . Robert and me spent the next three days riding horses . Some of them were pretty well broke , some were just green , and some were kind of salty . General Jackson refused to take about ten of them so he and the buyer sat down one whole afternoon bargaining . General Jackson was as tough as a dried out boot . Just about evening they struck a deal , but it included Robert and me staying on breaking horses for the army . I said , ' Whoa back . We didn 't sign on to join the army ' . The buyer stepped in and told us not to worry all we needed to do was stay around a top a few out then go home . He said if we didn 't he wouldn 't be able to give us our money . We knew we were being tricked , but we went along anyway . The next day we started riding horses . Now Robert and me were both good horse hands we had been doing it all our lives , but they started running in some big stout horses off the mountains that were as tough as I ever saw . I got bucked off more that first week than I had been bucked off my whole life . We had been there a couple of days when we met Colonel Ashby . He talked to us about how it was necessary for the South to fight off the Yankee invaders . How if they took over they would t " The next day the horse buyer stopped by and gave us half the money he owed us and promised to get the other half to us soon . We never saw our money or the buyer again . He did tell us that he would stop by and tell Pa that we had joined the army ; at least he did that . They gave us brand new uniforms , boots and all , and we started cavalry training and breaking horses at the same time . Some times that got pretty exciting . " You asked why we joined . I guess the answer is : we just sort of thought it was the right thing to do . After all we were Virginia boys and she was at war , so it was our job to join in and help . " Sure we had slaves . Had two of them . But they weren 't like real slaves ; they were mostly like black family members . Walter and Minnie had been around ever since I can remember . My pa said he bought them from a trader when he was young and just startin ' out . They were man and wife but never had any children of their own . We , Robert , me , and my two sisters , were their kids . Minnie was just as much mother to me as my own mother . And , we knew Walter could take a switch to us just like Pa , and he did too . They had a little house out back that Minnie fixed up real nice , and they ate with the family at the same table . One time Minnie was sick and Ma sat up several nights tending her . From time to time we would have other slaves . Pa would buy and sell a few . I never thought if it was right or wrong . It was just the way it was . " Are we fightin ' to keep our slaves . As far as I am concerned our slaves are free and have been for a long time . I realize that our slaves aren 't like the rest of them , but would I fight so some could keep their slaves ? No , I wouldn 't . I don 't think it 's worth the price . And I 'm not so sure that some folks should own other folks . It just don 't seem right . I guess the war has made me look at life a little different . " " I never saw a slave before the war . " Virgil said . " We had a black man come through one time looking for work . That 's the only one I ever saw . We didn 't have any work for him , but if we had I 'm sure that Pa would have hired him and treated him just like a white man . Ma fixed him a little sack of food . So to ask if I would go to war to keep the blacks in slavery , the answer is no , just like you . Would I give up my brother just so some rich white man can keep his money ? No to that too . I might fight to protect my family , but that 's about all I would fight foThe both just sat quietly each contemplating his own life . Jonathon turned to the guard that was just a few yards away . " Hey , Yank , let me ask you a question . " They both turned to see if the guard would respond . He turned and hesitated then walked to where Jonathon and Virgil were sitting under the tree . " What did you say ? " He held his rifle across his chest and leaned forward . " Say it again I can 't hear too well . Too much cannon fire . " " First thing I ain 't Yank not anymore at least . My names Harold : Harold Davidson . I don 't want to be a Yankee or a Union or anything anymore . I just want to go somewhere and sit , so maybe I can figure this out . " He put the butt of his rifle on the ground . " Well , I guess we 're all in the same pen . This is Virgil Cain and I 'm Jonathon Jordan . My question is : where you from ? " he paused then added , " Harold . " " From Ohio . Plumb out on the west edge a little town of Dayton . Not many people , and I guess I 'm related to most of them in some way or another . Where you boys from , if you don 't mind my asking ? " " I 'm from Virginia , a little north and west of here , and Virgil is from Tennessee . We 're both wanting to go home . " Jonathon replied . " Why are you here if you don 't mind me asking ? " Virgil looked up and asked . " I mean Ohio 's a long ways off , if my mama 's book is right . Did the war get that far that you had to come here to protect your folks ? " " Well I 'll tell you . " He began to relax , and talk like someone who wanted to tell his story . " In ' 61 word came out that President Lincoln was calling for men to join up and fight the Rebs . They made a big to - do about it in town . My pa has a farm just north of town . They put up a table in front of the store and put big ribbons on it and started taking names . Man said it would only be for ninety days . Me and my two brothers talked it over and since it would only be for three months we would go . So , just after we helped Pa get his crop in the ground , that was ' 62 , we got our uniforms . They put us in railroad cars and started us east . It was spring but it was still cold riding in them railroad cars . At the first stop we found us a bucket and picked up some coal and made a fire in the car , but it was so smoky you couldn 't hardly breathe . So it was live with the smoke or get cold . We kind of did one then did the other for a while . We had three days rations and some guys ate theirs up just as soon as they got them , so you always had someone asking for food . We got three days rations every four or five days . We spent fourteen days on that train ; had to get off and march one time for two days . It was cold but at least we had some fresh air . " " That Yankee cold would have ' bout killed some of southern boys . We 're not used to that kind of cold . It gets cold down in the mountains where we live , but not that northern cold . I been told about it . " Virgil said . " When we got to Washington they assigned to a big tall tent with ten other guys . They made us march and drill every day . Made us get up ' bout day light and march till dinner time then we got a break for a while then drilled the rest of the day . I think I know one thing we could out march you rebs , don 't know if we could 've out fought you , but I know damned well we could out march you . " Our three months ran out , and we were ready to go home when they came around wantin ' to stay another ninety days . Me and my brothers talked it over and decided to stay on a while . The food wasn 't that bad , and we were getting ' paid regular . We were getting fourteen dollars a month . We saved most of our money except for a couple of times we went to see a sportin ' woman and get something special to eat . We didn 't drink no liquor . The Bible says , ' Do not get drunk on wine , which leads to debauchery . Instead , be filled with the Spirit . ' We stayed in Washington all that summer just drillin ' and training , you know how to use a bayonet and all . A couple of times a week they would march us out by a river , and we would practice shootin ' . Then just ' bout harvest time back home they put us all together along with a bunch of others , and we started marching north . We marched for four straight days across some pretty country , ' though it was a bit hilly for my taste . " " Flat where you come from ? " Virgil was leaning back almost laying down . " I come from the mountains where there ain 't no flat at ' all . We got cows with two legs shorter than the others from grazin ' on the side of the mountain . " He looked over at Harold and smiled . " As I was sayin ' . We marched quite a way to the north makin ' camp ever night . Then on the fourth night they came around and handed out ammunition and told us not to make camp but sleep on the ground with our rifles beside us . Me and my brothers we all agreed that we would stick together . " He sat down on his haunches and drew back into himself talking but seemingly not talking to anyone , only himself . His eyes were looking a thousand miles away . " Yeh , that 's what we did we agreed we 'd stick together and help each other out . After all we was brothers . " He paused and no one said anything there was just a murmur coming from the rest of the men as they lay around . Some had made fires out of the sticks lying around . The sound of the peepers made a background . " Well , we all agreed to stay together , the three of us . It was just about daybreak when we heard rifle shots and cannons go off . We , all three of us , started to get scared . This was real ; it wasn 't just practice . We heard that the Eighth Ohio , was being held in reserve . So we just laid there all morning listen ' n to the shootin ' goin ' on over the hill . That 's what we did ; we just laid there . Then about dinner time they came and got us and marched us over to the bottom of a hill . We couldn 't see over the top , but we could hear a lot of shootin ' . I looked around and Bill and Frank were right there beside me just like we planned . " The captain held up his sword and told us to move forward up the hill . We still couldn 't see . As we got to the top we could see that the rebs were down in a ditch of some kind shootin ' over the edge . We couldn 't shoot at them very well but they were a killin ' us . I started to back down the hill and looked over and saw Frank get hit with a cannon shot . He just turned into a red cloud . Just red stuff floating in the air . I ran over and called " Frank , Frank ' but he didn 't call back . I looked all around for him and couldn 't find him . He was just gone . My mama 's baby boy was just gone . " He stopped and looked at Jonathon with a puzzled look . The timbre of his voice changed to almost a pleading howl , " He was just gone . I ran over and started picking up little pieces and putting them in my cap so I could take them home to mama . " He was no longer talking to Jonathon and Virgil but looking far off into space and talking . " Frank was her baby . I started hollering for Bill to come help me , so we could get all the pieces . But he didn 't hear me ; there was too much noise . So I ran over to where I last saw Bill and found him lying on the ground . I shook him to wake him up so he could help me with Frank , but he wouldn 't wake up . I shook him again and then reached up to shake his head awake , and he didn 't have no head . I said ' Bill , we got to find your head , so 's you can get up and help me with Frank ' . I started looking around for Bill 's head , but I couldn 't find it . He was going to need his head if he was going to help me with Frank . I was crawling around on my hands and knees when someone ran by me and grabbed my jacket and pulled down the hill . " He paused and looked down at the ground . Virgil and Jonathon sat quietly listening . " I just sat there on the ground not knowing what to do . Then it got night and the shooting stopped . I walked back up the hill and found Bill and drug him over to Frank and started picking up little pieces . All I got was a cap full . I laid down my cap there beside Bill and told him to stay there I was going over to find his head . But I looked and I looked and couldn 't find it . A man can 't do much without a head . I said to myself , ' Mama 's not going to like this ' ; she 'll probably have Pa take a switch to me for getting her boys killed . You see I was the oldest , and it was me that was supposed to look out for the others . But I better go home and get it over with . So I put Frank inside Bill 's coat so I wouldn 't drop him , and picked up Bill and started walking . I walked a long ways . I walked through a soldier camp and went on . Nobody said anything . I even walked through a reb camp . I walked until I came to big river . It was too wide . I sat Bill down and leaned him up against a tree and checked to make sure Frank was okay . It was too wide . " He looked first at Jonathon then at Virgil and tears started down his cheeks , " It was too wide . I couldn 't get across . It was too wide . I wanted to take them home , but it was too wide . I couldn 't swim very much ; Bill was always the swimmer , but he couldn 't carry both me and Frank . " He looked pleadingly at Jonathon then at Virgil , " It was too wide . I couldn 't take them home . So I slipped Bill into the river and told him to go on home and make sure Frank got there too . Tell Mama I 'm sorry . Tell her I didn 't mean to get you killed . I couldn 't go home without my brothers so I went back to the company . I just hope the Lord understands . " He looked first at Jonathon then at Virgil , " I never told anybody about me getting Bill and Frank killed before . I was too a shamed . A man should be able to keep his brothers from getting killed . Now the war 's done and I got to go home . That 's right I got to go home . " He got up without saying anymore and walked to his guard post . Virgil and Jonathon sat backed against the tree . Virgil scratched the ground with a twig , and both were quiet . Then , bang , they jolted at the sound of a gunshot ; it came from where Harold was standing guard . They both quickly looked and saw Harold on the ground ; his legs were twitching . Jumping up they ran to him and saw that the top of his head was nothing more than a bloody mass . His rifle lay beside him ; smoke was drifting out of the barrel . " Get your hands up , you God damned rebs ! " A soldier in blue was holding a rifle pointing at them . " Just get away from him ! " He was young and the bayonet point was shaking . He sounded like the ' God Damn ' was alien to his mouth . " Hold on ! Mister We was just trying to help . " Jonathon said as he and Virgil raised their hands over their heads . " We was just talking to him over there . " He pointed with his hand still in the air . " Helping my foot ! You was trying to steal everything he had . I know you rebs . " He was still pointing the rifle and the bayonet was still shaking . " I bet he didn 't have much to steal , " Virgil said quietly . " What did you say , Reb . " He poked the bayonet at Virgil . " I don 't want to hear any of your reb smart talk , so you just get over there where you 're supposed to be . " He poked the bayonet again . " Now , git ! The lieutenant will take care of this . " When they got back to the tree Virgil said , " Damn all I been through and to get shot by some kid in a Yankee suit who 's too scared to even think . " They both just sat and watched as several soldiers gathered around the body and the young soldier pointing their direction talking to an officer . When he finished the officer walked toward the tree . He walked like a man with a purpose . His uniform was new and just a little big for him . His boots were new and a saber rattled by his side . His mustache was young man 's : thin and short ; he had the look of a nineteen old on his face . " Don 't you men stand and salute a superior officer ? " He said standing over Jonathon and Virgil . " Well , Sir , " Virgil said not getting up . " Yesterday we would have , but today we decided we ain 't soldiers no more ; we 're just folks . This here is Mr . Jonathon Jordan and I 'm Mr . Virgil Cain . " " Well , I don 't know how it is in the reb army , but in the United States army you don 't just quit anytime you want . You must wait until you are properly discharged . " He took a pistol out of the holster on his belt . " Now , I will suffer no insubordination from rebels . So you will stand up and properly salute a superior officer , " Both Jonathon and Virgil slowly stood up and gave a snappy salute . Each with their eyes on that pistol . " I think I better take you two to the captain . So you will walk in front of me with your hands in the air . " He motioned with his pistol . " I think the little son - of - a - bitch would shoot us . I been in about ten battles and go get shot by snot nose kid . That would beat all . " Jonathon whispered as they were walking toward the Yankee camp . The lieutenant kept motioning with his pistol and giving directions until they were in front of a tall round tent . There was a soldier standing by the opening leaning on his rifle . " Soldier you are out of order . Stand up straight and fix your tunic and salute a superior officer when he approaches . " The soldier snapped to attention , reached down an straightened his tunic , then saluted . " That 's better , " the lieutenant returned the salute . " Now go in and tell the captain that Lieutenant Hapsgood is waiting with two prisoners . " The soldier opened the flap of the tent and ducked inside . " What the hell does he expect me to do about it . Hell , I got twenty thousand prisoners , and I don 't disturb his evening , " bellowed from the tent . " The captain would l like to know the nature of your business . He is a very busy man , " the soldier stuck his head out of the flap . There was a strained look on his face of someone who wants to laugh but knew better . " Yes , lieutenant , just what is it that requires my attention " . Around the tent were boxes some three feet high and a bunk . In the middle of the tent sat a short pile of boxes made into a desk . In the desk were some papers and a jar of clear liquid . A lantern affixed to the center pole cast down a yellow light on the captain , a man of perhaps thirty years , he had the look of a much older man . His tunic lay across a box along the edge , and they could see his boots were muddy and worn . " These two prisoners , " the lieutenant was standing at attention having put his pistol away making sure the cover was buckled , " can give us some information about the man who was killed " . He stopped and waited for an answer , when the captain didn 't speak , he went on , " They can tell us just how the man died and give us some information for our investigation . " He stopped again . " How he died . We know how he died . He committed suicide , that 's how he died . He shot himself . There is no investigation . There is nothing to investigate . " The captain sounded annoyed but restrained . " But , sir , we must determine the cause of death before we make any assumptions as to whether it is suicide or murder . " " Lieutenant . The regimental surgeon investigated the body and found that was an entry hole in the roof of his mount and an exit hole that took off the back of his head . Now , it appears we have two options here : A . He had his head held back with his mouth open gargling salt water when someone shot him in the midst of sixty thousand men and no one saw the shooter . Or B , he shot himself . Now you decide which I should put on my report along with your name as chief investigator . " He looked straight at the lieutenant . " I understand , sir . But what am I to do with these prisoners . They both were disrespectful to me as superior officer by nature of their being prisoners . " His voice was tempered with embarrassment . " That 's what happens when your uncle is a congressman . You boys want a drink of liquor ? " he pushed the jar across the desk . " We ran across a still the other day . This ain 't the best I ever had . I think it wanted to set a little longer . Like I said it 's green but drinkable . " Both Jonathon and Virgil winched as they swallowed . " I expect you boys better get back to the area . Sentry ! " When the soldier stepped in , " escort these men back to their area " . It was way past moon rise when they settled down beside their tree . They each found a place on the ground where they could sleep pulling their saddle blankets over them to ward off the cool night air . The next day it rained and they had to pull their saddle blankets over their heads to keep the rain off their heads . On the Tuesday it was still raining , and the orders came down that the men were to line up by units to stack their weapons and battle flags . All around there were color bearers revolting by burning the pennants or tearing them apart and giving each man a piece . " By God the damned Yankees never got this a fightin ' , and I 'll be damned if they 're going to get it now . " Then it was over . The rifles stacked , the paroles issued , the oaths taken . Men dispersed some walking some riding but all going home . Their uniforms were ragged , but they held their heads high . They were bested but not beat , whipped but not conquered .

I saw myself inside my house standing in front of my mother , who was folding and keeping washed clothes in the closet , and asking her as to what my father was talking about on his mobile , in the lawn downstairs . It had been half an hour and he looked concerned and intense as he walked on the grass , in the dim light of a distant tubelight at a corner of the lawn . " Are we having some problems , some health or money problems ? " I asked , without thinking . My mother stopped in the process of folding clothes and looked at me , and said , " It is your aunt . She 's having some troubles . " I don 't clearly remember if this aunt was my father 's sister or friend , but anyways , I again saw my father through the window of our house , as he talked and tried to counsel her and convince her for something , maybe . I was then reminded of my project meeting I had that morning with my mentor . I had to find a partner for that project . I decided to take her as my project partner . Lets name her P . Now I knew that all I had to do was to meet her the next day and ask her to be my project partner . Then suddenly I remembered that the project required coding and she was not a computer science student . I thought , " oh , never mind . I 'll do all the computer science part . " I then saw two kids coming in from the front door of the house . It took me some time but I finally recognized them as my cousins . My father came in and said , " Hey kids , how have you been doing ? " with a smile . The two kids didn 't look cheerful . The boy must be about 10 years old and girl some 7 or 8 years old . " Your mother has got some work , so you both would be staying here with us for a some days . I 'll have your luggage kept inside . " he said . Later I learnt that my aunt left town to make some arrangements and sold her house before that and all her stuff was kept in our garage . My sister a couple of years elder than the boy . She took them to their room and tried to make them comfortable by talking to them and arranging their stuff in her room . I was impressed by her for I knew I couldn 't do suPosted by I saw myself in my hostel room in NBH third floor . I kept the door open and frequently stared at the corridor on the other side of the doorway , with a strange fear in my mind . Then suddenly I decided that my room was not a safe place anymore , and simultaneously saw myself in a huge lobby of a big house , which was as if had been teleported to the big house or my room had suddenly grown large , or maybe it was just my imagination . The idea of examination next day increased my fear , and I had a lot left to prepare . It all started the evening last week , at the beach party where I and my friends started the game of a new kind of hide and seek . The beach looked lovely with the lighting and the palm trees and large no . of people singing and dancing , but we had lost the mood for the party . So , we all went and sat a little away from the crowd and while chatting decided to play hide and seek with a small alteration in the rule that the ones found by the seeker would also become the seeker , something like becoming a vampire after being bitten by a vampire . We played that game all night till the last campfire burned out . In a state of agitation , I decided to study with my friend Atul in his room . Atul was one of the players of the beach party hide and seek last week . I started studying again , doing my preparation the usual way . Next thing I see myself sitting in the corridor , beside the open door of my room , with friends from the beach party beside me . They said it was fine , and that it was just a game and that I should forget it . One of them , Gaurav I think , said that he was the seeker and he touched my arm to show that what I was thinking was my imagination and was not true . The fact is , I was having visions , visions of places I was not at that time . While studying , once in a while , the pages of the book change into someone 's bedroom or lighted road in the campus and it was not because of I drowsing while studying . I drowse quite often while studying and I know the difference . It wasn 't day dreaming either . It felt like I was in those places , the visions looked so real . And with all these visions I saw a man , in his late 40s or early 50s , looking at the beach from the window of his suite . I thought that as a seeker I had some kind of powers to see what the other seekers of the game are viewing at any time of the game , one at a time , just like one can change view while playing video games . Our last game was left incomplete because we had run out of lighting on the beach and it was too late to continue . Since I was one of the seekers in the last game , I thought that the powers of a seeker again took over me at the time same as the time last week when we played the game . I then realized that similar thing happened last week as well , but since any part of the beach looked mostly the same as the others I didn 't notice the visions at that time . I saw myself in my present college life , a pleasant yet slowly turning into a highly irresponsible guy . I saw myself doing nightouts for no good reason and sleeping all through the day , sometimes skipping classes and scoring average in exams . . . The dream looked like reality , and felt like I wasn 't sleeping , that I was still awake and living my life , until he came . . . I saw myself in some circular shaped , highly spacious room which looked like an office . I saw a man standing behind his desk , his back towards me , looking outside the window behind his desk . He was short in height , and reminded me of babidi , a villian in DragonballZ . Let 's call him Mr . A . " I have heard a lot about you and so wanted to meet you in person " , he said with a bit of squeakiness in his voice , still facing the window . I felt numb and nervous , and thought , " this must be about my skipping classes because of no attendance taken , and about my late submission of assignments . " " Wrong " , he said , and turned away from the window , to face me . I was astouned at his remark . He did look a little like babidi . " I wanted to meet you because I want your expertise , your skills . I want you to work for me , in my research lab . You would be paid well . " " I don 't understand " , I said . " I haven 't been going in any direction as far as my MS in IIIT - H is concerned . I have been procrastinating all my work . I think there has been some mistake . " " No , no mistake . I know who you are , what you do with your time . All I want you to do is , work for my lab and I 'll fund you during your MS and PhD and beyond maybe . I could provide you with assistance in your MS . There are things to be done in my research lab that only you can do . " He gave me an offer I couldn 't refuse . Instead of living on mere stipend from college , why not get a full pay package by devoting a few hours everyday for his work . During early hours of that evening , in some classrooms ( our classrooms were large seminar halls ) , some or the other movie was to be shown . I went into one of the classrooms , and sat on a seat in the Posted by I saw myself in a hasty process of getting ready for school . I saw myself wearing my uniform as fast as possible , and hang the tie with an untidy knot around my neck . As I started wearing my socks , I felt the need to attend nature 's call . " Damn " , I thought , " why can 't this happen when I wake up in the morning , everything has to happen at the last moment ! " While sitting in the loo , I was reminded of something that was important to me and that I had to do . In my mind I saw myself with a backpack , a modified form of my schoolbag , but stuffed with heavy stuffs . I was getting late with every passing second . I heard the chattering sounds of school kids and a few honking horns of the bus . My sister shouted that the bus won 't stop for me ! Of course it won 't ! I was again reminded of something that I had to do , which was important to me . I thought , " I chose this life for myself . I am doing this for my friend . I didn 't mean to harm anyone , but no one understands the language of love and peace . I have to help my friend and save him . " I rushed out of the toilet , while pulling my pants on , and tucking my shirt . I grabbed my schoolbag , looked at it for a few seconds , smiled and rushed outside . The bus had already left . I decided to catch it at its next stop . I took a short - cut , the connecting paths between the buildings . The bus followed the road and hence took a longer route to its next stop . I reached the place and was standing there when I saw the bus appear from behind the last building I could see on that road . I smiled at the driver as the bus stopped in front of me . I got into the bus and sat beside my sister . Looking at her I was again reminded of that day . That day , me and my sister got lost in a carnival . I don 't remember my parents presence in the carnival . I and my sister stood at some foodstall , when I saw a man staring at us . He had long hair , and traces of beard on his face . We left the stall and went elsewhere but he seemed to follow us . I started running with my sister . We ran between strings of foodstalls on eithPosted by I saw myself in one of the events that happened in my life earlier . I saw myself standing on the bridge which is famous for some reason I don 't remember . I don 't even remember its name . This bridge is en route from Rameshwaram to Trivandrum . It was a big and wide bridge with a road on it , and pavements where vendors sold fruit salad / slices , channa , bhel etc . My father parked our car along the pavement and my mother got out and asked me to follow her . We went and stood at the edge of the bridge . It was breezy early evening with warm sun - rays and moving and stationary vehicles and people on the pavement keeping the bridge road a busy , occupied place . She said , " Isn 't this a wonderful view ! " I stood there looking at the river water and the tiny disturbances on the surface of water , those tiny waves when suddenly I felt nauseatic and dizzy . I stood at the corner of the bridge and felt like I would loose consciousness any moment . I then realized that I didn 't feel comforable looking down from a considerable amount of height . I lost consciousness . Next thing I remember was being at our old neighbor 's house for lunch . They were our older neighbors from another city were we lived earlier . I remember myself riding a bike , a bicycle with strong tyres , in front of their house . One of the children in their neighborhood were riding their small bicycles and one of them hit her bicycle to the tyre of my bicycle and the tyres of her bicycle broke into pieces . She started accusing me of being the reason and I argued with her that she hit my bicycle 's tyres and I wasn 't the one coming in her way . Other children also took her side and said that it was my fault . They started shouting at me . Next thing I saw myself allowing her ride my bicycle for sometime . Since she was quite small , I held the bicycle for her and she pushed the pedals with the tip of her feet . She had won the argument and I had to allow her to ride my bicycle for sometime . There was a crazy TV set in the garage of my former neighbors at whose home we had gone for havinPosted by After a series of exciting experiences , which I forgot when I woke up , I slept again in the hope of reviving or resuming those series of experiences . The scene took a different turn and I saw yet another weird and " different " kind of dream , something that has never happened to me in real life . I saw myself , with my college mates going to some other place , as a team to attend a workshop and conduct some experiments as a part of that workshop . We took a bus to that place . The place looked like very old , with faded colored walls with dark patches , and dingy ambience inside the buildings . We wore special suits kind of thing , like what bomb disposal squad wears or those dealing with viruses or biological weapons ! I saw myself and others sitting in the same row , with old looking desks and apparatus , with washing sinks in front of us . It reminded me of the chemistry lab of my school which looked quite like that lab we were sitting in . After the trip , I felt like I desperately wanted this kind of work or project . But I didn 't have good CGPA or experience to support my predicament . Nevertheless I approached the professor , and as expected he dismissed me because he expected some " better " students to take up such projects . I couldn 't believe it because the professor believed in giving anyone a chance . In my desperation , I fell for my friends ' suggestion of fabricating a false identity that showed that I belonged to a family which was a part of some specific groups of families . The trick worked as the next day the professor called me himself and offered me the project . My friends ' had changed my identity quite meticulously in each of my records with the college authorities . A couple of days later , during late hours of evening , as I walked by the dean 's office , I heard this , " I found this . He 's son of an army officer , he 's an army kid . " and before I could think of my next move ( I easily guessed they were talking about me . ) the professor saw me , and his face showed anger and disappointment . I looked at the dean , and ( OMG , what hapPosted by I saw myself totally petrified at the idea of taking part in a speech olympiad kind of thing . I saw huge stadium with people from all over the world as audience as well as participants . It was an international event . I was one of the participants purely on the basis of my academic performance , is what I recall . As I walked across my room , slowly keeping each foot after the other one , with soft sun - rays entering my room ( illuminating the dust particles and keeping my room warm ) , I tried to build the speech in my mind on a random topic . The main point here was to keep on speaking on the topic without any long or lingering pause or pauses . I did that for a few topics in my mind till I couldn 't control my anxiety any longer . For all I could recall , I had never spoken in front of any audience anything for a duration of five minutes . And now I was supposed to keep them engaged and interesed in my speech . I asked my mother about the topic of my speech and she said she had given the slip of paper with the topic on it , to me a couple of hours ago . I started looking for the slip of paper and when Ifound it , read the topic on the paper . It gave me cold feet . My mother then suddenly came to my room and asked me for some medicines . She said they were for my father . I took out the medicine kit from the closet , looked for those medicines and gave them to her . Well , most of the medicines in that kit were for me ! It was but evident that I couldn 't take part in the speech olympiad because my parents had to leave as my father ' shealth had gone bad and he also had to get back to work in a couple of days . My mother urged me to take part and return home a couple of days later , but I refused . I felt slightly relieved for not speaking on the podium in front of such eminent people making the audience , but I also knew that it was a big opportunity lost . I met her yet again , this time when I got back home after not attending speech olympiad . Meeting her made me forget all about the speech olympiad . She told me that she 'd moved to this city but Posted by I saw myself in a huge bathroom , with tiling on floor and walls completely covered with mirrors . It had a huge bathing tub , and a shower area with curtains . . . I suppose I was a guest in someone else 's house , perhaps some aunt of mine . Next thing I saw was being late to a grand party , which was supposed to be in some awesome place . My father kept on asking me to hurry and get dressed . I quickly got dressed in my suit ( probably tuxedo ) and my parents , my sister and I left for the party . I remember getting down from the army vehicle ( gypsy ) and walking into the grand place with my parents and sister . My parents walked straight into the grand hall where other officers and their wives were sitting . My sister and I walked up the steep curved lane to the first floor . For a person looking at that building from outside , from one side it would look like a cylindrical shaped tall structure , because of the curvy path to the upper floors . As we reached the first floor , we saw a few kids with fancy conical caps , masks etc . peeping from a hole in the wall beside the curvy pathway , while one other kid who stood at the entrance of the first floor hall , on hearing someone call his name , ran inside the hall . The curtains had been drawn , and so I looked inside the hall and saw few small kids running all over the floor , chasing someone or being chased by someone and perhaps falling in the process . I went inside and asked one of the persons responsible for taking care of the kids and providing them with soft drinks and eatables , when they asked for some , about the shooting event . He said that the shooting competition was on seventh floor . Surprise was my first reaction , urgency became my second reaction . My sister and I left the first floor and walked up to the second floor . Second and third floor had teenagers and in one glance at the second floor hall I saw a few of them chit - chatting , talking about all kinds of stuff , and saw a few groups p about stuffs , playing games in groups , and we passed those floors quickly . Third floor was more Posted by I saw myself running frantically on the corridor of a school / college building . I was on the second floor . I looked at the class numbers on the tiny wooden boards as I passed by each class . I was looking for the exam room in which I was supposed to sit for my exam . After two rounds of the second floor , I went to the third floor to find the exam room . I saw science labs , sports rooms , kindergarden etc . After half an hour of running around , I found Dhingra having water from the water cooler . He saw me and asked me , " Did you complete your exam ? " " I can 't find my exam room , did you finish you exam ? " " Yes , a few minutes ago . Others are still writing , but you know me , I leave the exam hall before everyone else . " " Yeah . " I couldn 't find my exam hall and only half an hour was left when I looked at my watch . I walked into one of the rooms where some students were giving exams . I talked to the teacher / invigilator sitting there about my situation . Surprisingly she got me my question paper and made me sit in one of the seats . I started writing as fast as I could . After the examination time was over , she was kind enough to allow me to write till I completed my exam . She sat beside me which made me a bit uncomfortable because she occasionally read my answers which were not neat ( both in presentation and language ) . She was pretty , though . I saw myself with my friend who was asking me to hurry lest we might be late for some place we had to go . Actually I was involved in doing something else and he came and reminded me of the fact that we had to be somewhere at that time , which was more important . So , I stopped whatever I was doing and took some essentials like my diary , my ID card etc . with me so that I may be able to enter the venue . Before we could reach the place , I was kidnapped ! Actually it happened so that I and my friend was walking to that place , on an early sunny evening , on a road with trees on both sides . He walked a little ahead of me and I remember him wearing a light blue shade suit as I looked at him from behind , walking away . Next thing I remember I was sitting with a couple of men , both in their middle ages who were asking me about my identity and some information about the meeting or the place I had to go to . At first I tried to lie , suspecting some conspiracy or danger to me , my family or something or someone else . They looked so desperate . They threatened to call my parents and ask them about it . Iimagined my parents standing there and my father telling me to tell them everything about myself and that it 'd be no harm to do that . Due to fear , I told them everything , about me and about the meeting that I would have attended , had they not have interrupted . I was left alone for sometime , tied to a chair with a rope , in that dark dingy room , with some last sun - rays coming through a broken glass ofthe window . They returned and untied me , and told me about their motive of keeping me that way . They said that they had made something , and they showed me the draft and the prototype . They said that their model was much better than that which would be shown in the conference that I 'd have attended . I could then imagine people sitting in the conference , with a couple of men showing the prototype for the purpose that they were talking about . They explained that the prototype to be shown in the conference involved fusion of a few things at variousPosted by First thing I remember was a huge ' Khaai ' or canyon . It was deep and beautiful . It was vast and covered with vegetation . I saw it while safely standing on top . Next thing I remember is our professor coming up with a crazy but interesting idea for a project . It involved the whole batch . It was a big project and had a lot of scope but he asked us to start our work one week before the end semester exams . And no one was in a mood to work for the project as we had other deadlines to meet . I took a part of the project that I would be doing , after few of my batchmates planned and discussed the division of the work of project amongst us . My mind raced through the schedule for coming week and allotted time for the project in that schedule . Last week of semester proved to be disastrous . After missing two English classes because of staying at home during that week sometime earlier in the semester , this week I missed one class and was late for one , after I overslept due to fatigue . I reached the class half an hour late and sat beside Bhanukiran . He asked me where had I been in all previous English classes . Of course he knew the reasons . One should never lie in life . I had not good reason to lie but I did the same . I stood at the first floor corridor of school building , looking into my notebook at a half torn page in the bottom half of which I had written a few things that could help me conveniently prepare for exams . I looked at it , both in amazement that I have a shortcut now , and in disbelief that , will this really help me ? I would never have thought this in my worst nightmares , but I sensed it now . I felt that the headmistress was standing behind me , looking at what I was looking at . I turned slowly , cautiously and found a couple of students walk past me . I turned to my notebook , closed it and as I turned to leave , I saw the headmistress standing in front of me . " I would like to look at the page you were looking at , in your notebook ! " I sensed danger ! I turned the pages of my notebook back and forth in an attempt to find a similPosted by I saw myself traveling with my parents and sister . We were all traveling by train , and it was dusk . I sat there and my mind wandered into yesterday , the instance when it all started . There was a man who looked quite like J K Simmons ( the egotistical newspaper editor in the Spiderman movies ) . I recalled the last time I looked at him , he wore a black overcoat , and I could see his face for a brief moment when the light flickered on his face , then it went dark again . I remembered the fact that the man was not very much liked by anyone . He was a shrewd and tough guy , and rude sometimes . We had to leave the house we stayed in because yesterday , like sometimes , he didn 't speak in a very good manner with my father . But yesterday was different . Unlike everytime when my father , on the advice of my mother , ignored his rude irritating behavior , yesterday my father told him about what the fact that the man was rude and wasn 't very cooperative while working , and my father being a kind of person not tolerating such kind of behavior , vented all his anger and frustration in the form of words and louder pitch in voice . My father scolded that man yesterday . The man was either my father 's colleague or his boss . A couple of hours ago , me and my sister were suddenly woken up while I was enjoying deep sleep . My mother said that we had to leave the house immediately . I saw packed trunks and furniture , paintings etc . wrapped in gunny bags and cardboard . All the luggage looked packed . Next thing I knew I was standing at the station . I felt strange that within an hour I was standing at the platform , waiting for the arrival of the train . It was still dark and we , and a couple of people who 'd come to see us off at the station and help with the luggage . I looked out of the window , and saw the slow process of darkness vanishing and things coming to light and the bluish greyish ambience . Early morning freshness was not the only reason for my pleasant mood after the sudden turn of events . I knew we 'd be going to a new house , meet new people , make newAbhishek This time , it were not snakes but crabs that troubled me . From what I can recall , I found myself lying on perhaps a sandy beach or some similar place where lots of crabs live . I stayed lying there and couldn 't get up . I saw a couple of crabs slowly moving towards me . One of the crabs near my feet hit me with its forehand claws ( or whatever they are called ! ) . The crabs looked like the red colored crab " sebastian " of Disney 's Little Mermaid cartoon . The hit woke me up and I found myself lying on my bed . My first instinct was to look at my feet that was hit . I slept again , this time to visit a big conference kind of thing in some foreign country . I remember being in one of those large halls , among big celebrities , though I don 't remember seeing anyone distinctly . I remember me and Mohit staying in luxurious hotel room , with lots of celebrities in neighbouring rooms . One evening at dusk , after the conference when I came out , I looked around at the big glass buildings and the broad roadways . I felt the cool air and the bluish dimness of the dusk . After sometime , I saw Shah Rukh Khan walking across in front of me . I was totally taken aback after looking at him from such a close distance . He was perhaps looking for someone or something as he stood there in front of me , and looking here and there with his searching eyes . My first instinct was to ask him for an autograph . He looked at me for an instant and I froze at my position . When he turned his gaze away , I walked up to him and asked for an autograph . He obliged , but I didn 't have any page or notebook or something on which he could give me an autograph . At that moment , Mohit walked up to me and I asked Mohit to get a sheet of paper . He got a sheet of paper and Shah Rukh Khan gave his autograph on it , one each for both of us , on the top and bottom half of the sheet . I wasn 't looking when he was giving the autograph . Something strange happened and he struck off the autographs given by him with pen strokes on it ( was it because of IPL , but that can 't be because they 'd wonPosted by The first thing I remember is being in a big closed box , traveling with Alok and Abhinav , on some big and long two wheeler vehicle . They didn 't know that I was in that box , and when I couldn 't stay in the box any longer , I came out and they were surprised ( of course ! ) . Unfortunately , the thing that I replaced myself with , in the box was very important for them and so they started grumbling about the fact that they 'd have to go back and get that thing . The road looked dim and things around looked bluish , probably it was early morning time . Next thing I remember being with my parents and sister , in a tourist bus , going to some place . In the middle of the journey , our bus broke down on a deserted road . It was dusk . We all got down from the bus , and started looking around . My parents , sister , I and a few other tourists walked a little further away from the bus , and saw a pathway on the left side of the road , leading to some place . The pathway was at a certain depth from the road , and was lit by a bulb , which showed human habitation there , or nearby . So we got a rope from the bus , and started going down by holding the rope . During my mother 's chance to go , ( she was the first amongst us to go ) her hand slipped and she fell directly on that path . None of us had noticed ( it was getting dark in the evening ) that there was a snake beside the tiny plant which marked the start of that path . Beside the plant was a deep trench and hence one had to land on the other side of the plant . My mother did land on the other side of the plant , but she also activated the snake . The snake started hissing and this caught our attention . I saw that and was terrified . I was afraid to go down there , even to help my mother ! : ( But suddenly something happened , and I directly jumped near that plant ( or was it my father who pushed me ? ) , didn 't use that rope ) , and slipped a little towards the trench . I was flat on the floor , in between my mother and the snake . I started blowing air on its face from my mouth , to prevent it from coming on to me . That tPosted by I saw myself as a school student , with same teachers teaching me who taught me in 11th and 12th class . I saw myself sitting in the same classroom , wearing that same uniform and having that same school backpack . This week the teacher teaching computer science had given some work to me , which I had to show her on monday . Also , there was this movie being aired that weekend . Me and my friends decided to go for the movie . That evening , we reached the cinema hall but we were not allowed to go inside because we were not invited , or rather not eligible ! I couldn 't understand what did he mean by " not invited " . We stood outside the entrance , looking for a chance to sneak inside . The cinema hall was small and had one small screen hall , like a small town cinema hall . A few of my friends also tried disguising themselves differently ( rather as adults ) and tried to get in , but all in vain . Eventually I , and also my friends saw that the gate - keeper wasn 't there , so we all rushed in . I was hesitant , as I saw the gate - keeper coming from a distance . All my friends had entered and were signaling me to hurry up ! I looked at them , then at the gate - keeper who was chewing something and moving towards the main - gate , with a long stick in his hand . All I did was pretend that he wasn 't there , and coolly walked in . My heart beat stablized only when I was well inside the corridor . I saw the door of the hall open . I went inside and saw nice cushion chairs covered with white cloth , and the floor covered with carpet . I was suprised to see only few people sitting inside . We waited for about half an hour , then started to leave . I saw my computer science teacher , and looked for a place to hide . But she also saw me and called me . She told me that the movie had not yet arrived , and that she and her family had also planned to come by and watch this movie ( why weren 't we allowed in , then ? ) . I was happy she didn 't mention anything about the work . As I walked out of the main - gate , I turned my head around and saw the gate - keeper sleeping on his chair and Posted by The Puppet - MasterThe first thing that I remember was confessing my love to one of my friends after I met her after a few years . She and I used to study together in the same school and knew each other very well . She also liked me but yeah , didn 't love me ! She just smiled after she heard what I said and said that she , kind of , had that feeling that I might be in love with her . Next thing I saw myself walking with her in the corridor of some place which was either a school or some other place . Surprisingly enough she was holding my hand while walking . She entered some place which was in fact a dressing room . I said that I 'd wait outside , but after sometime I went inside and saw her a bit undressed from the top , standing in one of the sections . I felt like hugging her and kissing her . Her face showed strange anxiety and fear , which I couldn 't help notice . We were standing together in some well lighted , well furnished railway station , which more looked liked an airport than a typical Indian railway station . She spotted her mother , and we went to her . I greeted her mother , and tried to show extra respect by bending a little . Her mother had a baby , which was supposedly hers . Only baby 's nose was showing , rest was covered . I requested if I could see his face to see if he looks more like her mother or her father . Aunty obliged , and when I saw his face , it looked like both of his parent 's face , a perfect blend . We then realized that the train in which we were to go , was leaving the platform . We quickly bid goodbye to her mother and started running . I asked her to hold my hand , which she did and then we finally caught up with the last bogie . We didn 't have any heavy luggage , just a backpack each . I got onto the stairs of the entrance of the bogie , then got inside , then helped her inside . I saw that it was a luggage compartment without any direct path to other bogies . The train also had stopped temporarily for a few seconds , and had then again started moving . I asked her to get down , got down myself , then went into the compartPosted by The first thing I remember was that I was in a big room on a ship or in some hotel room and there was this pretty young lady with me . It had been a rainy day and black clouds covered the sky . We had met somewhere in the city and somehow got this liking for each other . I saw her standing on a bridge and me standing in front of her and we were talking and laughing . . . Next thing I remember is that we were having sex . . . I could feel the warmth and the touch , the smell , it was gentle and smooth . . . I was totally into it . . . looks like I am telling myself subconsciously that I want something ( even though I don 't really think about it while I 'm awake ) and also I am training myself for the same subconsciously using the information gained from external world and the coded information in my genes . . . oh it 's too complicated , let 's stop at that ! I hardly ever get angry enough to shout , but something happened that changed it all . I received the news of death of one of my best friends of high school and I think it was Himanshu . I had not met him since last 4 years and it was a straight shock . So , that evening itself , when someone wascracking a joke on me ( like sometimes people do and I play along ) while we were standing on atraining ground ( beside the rope climbing area ) which looked like a military exercise ground , butthis time something inside me , which seemed wanting to come out , came out and with rage I abused him and abused all the others . They were shocked and realized something was wrong . I hadn 't noticed that earlier but that pretty young lady was also standing there . I said , " Time changes a person . I was deeply upset after receiving the news of my friend 's death and I guess that came out as rage from within me and you all had to see it . I 'm sorry . " I rather felt light hearted and better and from then spoke such words occasionally whenever I felt like . This time my house ( group ) was supposed to play host . We had to prepare the meal , decorate the place and invite other houses ( groups ) . I had expected this as the last thing oPosted by ExaminationI saw myself with my parents and sister in a new city where we were tourists . We were roaming about , trying to kill time and at the same time , trying to reach the railway station lest we should not miss the train . We reached the station and I saw myself holding on to something with my arms and hanging in the air while my mother and sister were pulling my legs , one each , and I was shouting and asking them not to do so while they were laughing . I had a few bags hanging on my shoulders and it seemed that I was hanging there in air to get those baggages across to a large store room . I saw a coolie ( porter ) come to me , and I left one hand free , to give him the air - bag that was hanging on my shoulder . He took the bag , dumped it in the store room and took the other one from me which was hanging on my other shoulder . When I came back down , I asked my mother and sister not to pull my legs again when I 'm hanging in the air ! My parents , sister and I caught a bus and we came to the place where I was supposed to give my exams . The place looked familiar . It looked quite like some part of NDA Khadakwasla , Pune or IMA Dehradun . Many of my batchmates were there and we were supposed to give two exams , C / C + + and Algorithms . I was highly unprepared for both , but was more afraid of Algorithms . My parents left me at the entrance , all three of them wished me luck and I walked inside , through the open gate into the campus . I saw the soft sun - rays of early evening fall on the campus . I walked through the long corridors until I reached a long hall . I walked inside , only to find my batchmates and a few other students who had come to give that exam . I knew that I had very little time and that after giving both the exams , I have to rush back to the railway station . Interestingly enough I had my laptop with me and the hall where I was sitting had Wifi facility . I thought I still had some time before my exam starts , so I opened my orkut account and was surprised to find a scrap from someone who 'd hardly come online . She had replied tPosted by I was sitting in my room , when I heard a knock followed by lots of footsteps . I was startled , and perturbed . I opened the door , only to find a person with a gas - mask pointing a maverick at me . He took a step back and said , " Start moving " , pointing the gun in the intended direction . I saw many of my friends , moving out in a queue , climbing down the stairs . I could not understand . I was afraid now and my mind was filled with the incidents of last night , watching " Wedding Crashers " , chatting in the corridor . The sun was just rising in the east and in the midst of the soft sun rays , I saw the cold , unfriendly masked men with snipers and mavericks . Next thing I remember was that we all were divided in groups for doing a series of assignments . We all sat in some classroom , with benches , desks , a green - board , a cup - board . As I sat on my seat , and looked around , I found many of my batch - mates and college - mates but I also saw some unfamiliar faces . I saw a few of the same gun - men whom I had encountered in the morning . The assignment looked tough and I wished that I was in some other particular group because I was unfamiliar with my group - mates and they didn 't show the willingness to work and finish the work . I was eager to be the person to finish his work so that he could be allowed to go home . At night , we were directed towards a line of barracks having long rows of bunker beds , like a long dormitory . The atmosphere looked war - like and we lived as if living in concentration camps . The work done by us was all academic kind of stuff . We were given an assignment each morning and we had to submit it before sunset . The assignment had a few questions and each group was given an assignment sheet with questions printed on it . I felt that courses at IIIT were much better than these assignments . Surprisingly , after a few weeks , our results were declared . That day also , gun - men were standing near the entrance of the classroom . I was nervous , like I am whenever results are declared . I knew these results didn 't matter anymore to me , as I Posted by Haunted TourismI found myself standing in a corridor brightly lit by bulbs on the decorated walls and had a layer of carpet below my feet . I saw in front of me , small cabinets for dining , and saw a child eating his meal at a round table , laughing perhaps with others of his age whom I couldn 't see . A few couples and a group of ladies passed by me as I stood at the corridor , looking at things around . I heard my father calling me and I walked away in that direction . After dinner , my mother insisted that I wear a sweater / cardigan as it 'd get colder late in the night . It was when I looked out of the window that I realized that we were in a ship . I saw dark blue world outside , foggy weather , moonlight giving some visibility , and when I looked down at the sea , it looked calm with gentle waves . I saw a few tree stems in the middle of sea , a little distance away from the ship . It looked both spooky and adventurous and reminded me of Pirates of Carribean series . Next day we reached the shore , but our destination was still a little distance away . We hired a gypsy car and were accompanied by a few foreigners ( UK natives ) . That evening , after reaching our rest house , my parents fell asleep as they were very tired . My sister watched TV as I came out of the room to stroll outside for a while . While coming to that resthouse , in the way I 'd seen a small lake . I walked till that lake . It was still foggy outside with the bluish greyish mix backdrop , giving it a perfect spooky look . I saw the lake in front of me , it 's water still as ever , and enclosed on all sides by land with fog floating on it 's water surface . I started walking along the lake , on the banks of lake . Something happened that was far more spooky and made me chill down my spine , much more than the whole winter season had done so far . For the distance along the bank that I walked , water in that corresponding part of the lake started freezing and froze along as I walked . I felt like stopping but my feet continued to walk as my mind stopped working at that time , so I walked aPosted by The first thing I remember is that I am sitting in some classroom and struggling to learn something . Bhanukiran walks upto me and says , " Dude , it 's quite late , it 's night time . And you 're sitting in the dark staring at something I can 't clearly make out what ! Is something troubling you ? I stared at that thing again and then replied , " Nothing " . The truth was that I was nervous . And something was troubling me . I was in a situation that I wanted to do something but didn 't have the courage to withstand the wrong consequences . Our college was one of the colleges selected for some martial arts fighting competition and it was to be a ' team fight ' . As far as I can recall six members were there . One of them was Gaurav , not sure if Atul was also a part of the team . We had a teacher who was an expert and we had evening sessions for a couple of months . Evening sessions were cool . I learned some nice stunts / tactics about self defence but the idea of taking a punch or kick in the face is what was making me nervous . Luckily during evening sessions , nothing of that sort happened ! After the two months of training , we were trained in weapon fight . We started with a Bo . It reminded me of Donaltello of TMNT cartoon series . I eagerly learned each and every move with that Bo , but getting a stick in my face added to the list of my fears ! : ( Our first match was against some local college which we won convincingly . We traveled in a bus to that college and returned late at night . The task was simple , make all the opponents fall on the ground . I tried to use the Bo as Master Splinter of TMNT and it worked in a few cases because the other team was also smart . I was the first one to fall to the ground from my team but I made 2 people fall before falling . I was happy and thrilled never the less because it was my first experience in a combat and my face was not hurt ! There was a machine which had crawled the whole web , indexed every information available on the web and had made a graph of the hyperlinked structure of web . Our college had built that mPosted by I slept early yesterday , at 11 pm . Does this affect the kind of dreams I get ? I guess not ! The first thing I remember is that I and my girlfriend are alone in my house ( I don 't have a girlfriend , though ! ) and we are together in the attic . The attic has wooden floor and is quite spacious and also big enough for a person to walk erect . I saw all this from a third person view . Even though I couldn 't see either of the person 's face clearly , I know the guy was me . There was only a bulb throwing yellow light to light the attic and it was hanging in the center of the roof of the attic . We did some things ( I don 't remember much . We ate fruits and other things , we read something . . . can 't recall what we did . ) and frequently kissed each other then I saw us naked and having sex and then suddenly I saw us dressed again and with her lying on me and smiling at me while we looked into each other 's eyes . All of a sudden , the doorbell rang . As a third person view from the attic I saw my parents enter the house and I and my girlfriend greeted them . My father told me that there 's going to be a festival in some place in India ( I guess it was Kerala , because what I saw later , most of it looked like the temples and palaces of Kerala since I have lately visited Kerala ) . This festival is quite famous and also has an event of boxing in it . I thought in my mind , " so what ? " but then my father interrupted my future thoughts by telling me that I was good at boxing and so I should participate in it . Now that is news , I thought , but never mind , I 'll see a few games then try to do what other participants would be doing . Then I imagined myself standing fully dressed for boxing , with gloves on my hands and wearing a red hood on my head and looking at an ongoing match , trying to learn their moves . I saw myself in Kerala ( my imagination tells me that it was Kerala and this time , I have first person view . ) with my parents . We went to a temple to seek blessings for me , I really needed blessings ! When inside the temple , I looked around . It was dawn and sunPosted by Hi ! I am working as a researcher and a developer at Tata Research , Development and Design center , Pune . I am a retired member of Madhapur Toastmasters . I like watching movies , sitcoms and reading novels . I enjoy writing .

Willie has been taking care of my dad on his days off . As much as I love my father , he can be very challenging to care for . He has trouble getting to the bathroom on time , and refuses to wear a depends . He will ask what we are going to have for lunch , and then say he 's not hungry once you get lunch ready . He refuses to let his bath aid give him his bath at least once a week . His dementia leaves him unable to remember something that you just told him ten minutes ago . You have the same conversation with him over and over . Willie has been very patient and very kind to him through it all . They have been talking a lot and learning more about each other . They have been watching golf together . According to Willie , Dad really seems to like to watch golf . He has told Willie stories about how he used to caddy when he was in high school . Something I never knew . Willie says he doesn 't seem to like baseball though . He falls asleep when that is on , well , who doesn 't . Willie and Dad haven 't always been close . Not that there have been any hard feelings between them , just that they haven 't had a lot in common . Willie loves to garden , Dad loves to watch TV and read the paper . Willie loves sports , Dad has never been one to watch sports , ( honestly though , I 'm not sure that was his choice , Mom hated sports . ) They just are different people . The day that Willie and I got married Dad was as proud as I have ever seen him . Not knowing much about the proper ways of weddings , I had Dad and Willie dressed in black tuxes with tails and ascots . This was really much too formal for the rest of the wedding . I thought they both looked perfect though . As my father put out his arm to escort me down the aisle his smile was as wide as I 'd ever seen it . He promised not to let me trip and fall . We turned and headed toward Willie . Willie had not seen my dress . He had no idea what it was going to look like . He never even saw the pattern that was being used to make my dress . I was kind of superstitious about all things wedding . I didn 't want to even come close to torking off the wedding god 's . Willie did not see me the day of the wedding until those doors opened for Dad and I to walk down the aisle . ( hey , we 've been married thirty years come this next April , you going to argue with that ? ) Dad walked taller and straighter than I had ever seen him walk before . His limp , due to his prosthetic right leg , was barely noticeable . We walked at his pace , which was slow , but strong . He smiled all the way to the alter . Asked who gives this woman to marry this man , he proudly and firmly said " I do . " He helped me up on to the alter with Willie , let go and sat down next to my mother . Willie was smiling ear to ear as my father and I walked toward him . He saw , for the first time , the lavender satin dress with white lace over lay that I was wearing . I smiled back at him . I felt like I was walking through a fog to my very own prince charming . It was the happiest day of my life . I couldn 't stop smiling . Willie and my dad have spent more time together than they ever have before . They are learning much about each other . Finding more they have in common . More things to talk about . Dad 's dementia makes it harder , but they are getting there none the less . We will be finding out what other sports Dad likes or doesn 't like . Golf , yes , baseball , not so much . NASCAR , he seems OK with , football , we Posted by Sitting in a hospital room all day , trying to talk to a person who can 't respond , can be very hard on the joints and the emotions . I quite often get up and roam around the hospital . While I walk feeling very helpless , my sister is driving herself crazy in Des Moines . When we were kids money was tight . I don 't think we , as children , ever knew it though . My dad worked hard every day . I hardly ever remember him taking a sick day . He worked six days a week with two weeks vacation every year . About the only time he missed work was when he was sick enough to have to go to the hospital . It wasn 't until my sister reached her teens and started going to a junior high school on the , let 's say , more well to do side of town , that I started to realize that we didn 't have a lot of money . Stacey had a hard time , as all teens do , seeing just how much she didn 't have . I don 't know if she had started realizing it sooner , but junior high really accentuated it . She had friends there that lived in big houses , that didn 't have to share a room with their twerpy little sisters . Kids that had all of the fashionable clothes , the right shoes , everything she didn 't . I think this was very hard on her . Ben and Stacey have had a tumultuous relationship from the day she was born . They have fought on and off my whole life . I , as the ever cute little sister , would always pick a side . Sometimes my sister 's , sometimes my brother 's . Even as a four year old I knew to pick the side which would better suit my need and desires . Usually , I would side with whoever was left in charge at the time . My mother had a job ever summer , from the time I was seven I think , at a Girl Scout resident camp about fifty miles away . She was gone for weeks at a time . This left my dad to take care of my sister , brother and me . Having to work six days a week , that meant my brother and sister were always left in charge of me . They always fought over who was " in charge " of everything . Ben would delight in pointing out the things that Stacey didn 't have that all of her friends had . Stacey would delight in poking at his buttons of insecurity as well . They worked very hard at making each other angry . That 's when I would step in and make things worse by siding with one or the other . Our lives were like that for years . I don 't know that my sisterWhile Stacey was running all over central Iowa , I was with Ben . No changes , no answers , no progress . It has been a heart wrenching week . Usually , there are up and downs . With Ben there have just been downs . More and more downs . The hospital wants to get Ben out of the ICU . His vitals are stable , his decline has seemed to reach bottom . He really doesn 't belong in ICU any more . We understand that . Instead of move him to another floor they want to transfer him back to the hospital in Des Moines where this all started . None of the different services , at the hospital he 's at now , want him on their floor . Neuro is convinced he is suffering from hepatic encephalopathy , Liver diseases are convinced he is not . No one is willing to take him on their service . Stacey has another fight to fight while I stay with our father . She is calling the social worker that has been working with Ben for the liver transplant . She is calling the patient advocate . She is being the hero Ben needs . Room With a View There has been no change in Ben . He is neither progressing nor regressing . I fear the doctors are slowly giving up hope . They come in , desperately attempt to get him to follow even the simplest commands , always to no avail . They attempted a repeat MRI last night . He moved around too much and they couldn 't get any pictures . They are discussing today if it would be safe to sedate him to try again . They have been giving him lactolose to try to clear toxins from his blood stream to see if that would help , so far it hasn 't . All it has done is turn his stool to water . They decided to hold it for now . Ben is in a room where we can see a large ornate tower . I don 't know what it is or what it symbolizes , if anything . I know that if I could ask Ben he could , and would , give me an hour long lesson on the subject . When I was in nursing school I had a term paper due . In the past I had gotten away with hand writing my papers . I couldn 't type , and had no typewriter , yes I said typewriter , nor a computer . This particular teacher was requiring the paper be typed . My brother offered to let me use his computer . " It 's easy to use , " he told me , and then gave me a typical hour long tutorial . Of course I tuned out after the first two sentences . Ben wasn 't good at dumbing down instructions . He either didn 't get that others didn 't understand his technical jargon or he just liked being superior . I suspect a little bit of both . After his instructions session was over he went into his room and I stared blankly at the screen . I was terrified . I just knew I was going to do something to wipe out the whole drive thingy he was going on and on about . There was no choice , I had to touch the keyboard . It looked harmless enough . I didn 't see teeth or any indication that the mouse doohicky was really a rattle snake in disguise . I started to " type . " I use the term type very loosely . I was typing in the sense that I was touching the keys , and letters were showing up on the screen . To say I was typING though was a LIE ! It took me forever ! Nine hours later , that is not exaggerated in any way , I had typed nine pages . I was so close to done . For some reason , and I can 't remember why , the kids were with me that day . Willie must have been working . They must have been being very good , too . Honestly , I only remember Josh being there . There is a reason for that . I was almost done . I was on the last page . I 'd been sitting there for , really truly , nine hours working on it . My dad and Ben must have been entertaining the kids that whole time . Valerie was maybe seven , Josh was three , and Alyssa was one or so . They had been so good . Josh came over to give m " Hit save . " " Was I supposed to do that ? " That night Ben went through my entire paper . He cleared out every last strange little symbol that didn 't belong . He probably corrected my grammar and spelling as well . He printed it off and handed it to me . He was my hero again ! The doctors just tried a drug that they hoped would get him to react quickly . It was called flumazanol . It blocks benzodiazepines from brain cells . They said there was a chance that meds that had been given even a while ago might still be roaming around in him . This drug would block their effects . It would work quickly , with in a few minutes . Ben could be back in a few minutes . It didn 't work . There was no response . No response , save one . I saw a tear roll down the side of his face . I feel in my heart now , that he is very aware of what is going on . That he heard the doctor say how this drug would work . He was very hopeful . When it didn 't work , he cried . When my sister was here with my brother the other night she must have had trouble sleeping . Ben 's moaning gets very loud . The nurse called and requested a sleep kit for her . It consists of a mask and earplugs . By the time it had gotten up to the floor , Stacey was asleep and the nurse wasn 't going to wake her up just to give it to her . When we were kids our family went camping a lot . When we went on vacations we were camping . Anytime there was a long weekend , we were camping . Inevitably , there would also be car problems . My dad drove a Chevy Corvair . It 's engine was in the back instead of the front . I don 't know why . Dad liked them though . Corvairs did not have a large enough engine to tow a camper trailer , but tow a camper trailer it did . When the car broke down , and it always did , my dad would cuss at it and always blame this one set of mechanics that chained the oil once . It was always their fault because they did something to it to make it leak oil . It was never because a little corvair shouldn 't be towing , well , anything . One trip we took down to Nauvoo , Illinois , was a rare time we didn 't have engine trouble , but we still had car trouble . We had stumbled upon Nauvoo on a previous excursion . My dad was the stereotypical male driver . He would not ask for directions , he would not use a map . He KNEW where he was going . We got lost , A LOT ! ! Almost every time we got into the car to go somewhere new . We lived in Des Moines , Iowa , and we were going to Geode State park in south east Iowa . Somehow we ended up in Illinois . Now how my dad didn 't notice us crossing the MISSISSIPPI , I 'll never know . We ended up in Nauvoo . My mother , who was a big history buff , absolutely fell in love with the place , so we returned there many times . ( Still getting lost most of the time . Dad KNEW how to get there damn it ! ) This particular trip to Nauvoo it rained . It rained a lot . it rained hard ! As a child , I didn 't care . The state park had this wonderful playground that was right in the middle of a pine forest . You could play there in the hardest down pour and barely get wet at all . Ben would always push me on the swings and do underdoggies . ( For those who might not know , an underdoggy is when the person pushing you on a swing would push you so high that they could run under you ) Ben would swing him self as high as he could and jump out of the swing . He would fly through the air , arms and legs flaying around . I thought he was superman . It was at this playground that he encouraged me to jump from a swing for the first time . He wouldn 't let me go very high to do it though . The day we were to head home Dad noticed that the car and the trailer had both sunk deeply into the rain soaked ground . Being a kid I thought it was a wonderful thing and that maybe we 'd get to stay another day . Dad , had to be back at work the next day , you know the real world , that kids are so oblivious to , so get the car unstuck was the mission . My dad has an artificial leg , a WWII injury . It always came down to my mom in the driver seat , my dad pushing by the driver side door so he could give my mom " instructions " , and my brother pushing at the back of the car . ( Did you notice I said , always , yeah , this happened a lot , too ) This particular time Stacey and I were in the car because it was still raining . At some point dad felt the car move just a bit and told my mom to floor it . She did . She stomped on the gas , and held it down . My brother , still in the back , got pummeled with mud and water ! He was covered head to toe . He looked like a mud monster . My mom and dad were completely unaware of what was happening in the back . My sister and I were rolling around on the back seat howling with laughter . We got very angry looks from my mom and dad . Mom let off the gas and asked us what we thought was so funny . We pointed out the back window at Ben . My mom held back her lThe nurse came in to give Ben his bath . That didn 't even rouse him . The nurse and I both started really worrying . Then she had to clean around his catheter , he moaned ! I was never so happy to hear that moan . He moaned for a little while more while she finished his bath . He kept moaning after she was done . I drifted off to sleep . Posted by My sister has stayed with my brother the last two nights . I stayed home and tended to my dad 's needs . Yesterday I brought my dad out to see Ben . He talked to Ben and told the nurse stories . Ben 's nurse had been in the air force so he listened very kindly to my dad 's stories of WWII . I 'm not sure how much my dad is understanding about what is going on . One minute he is very aware that his son is very sick . The next minute he refers to Ben as his brother . Not just mixing up his name , but really believing he is his brother . He has several times said that if Don , meaning Ben , passes away , that that will leave him the last one . The last one of what , I 'll ask . The last one of the old people . The last one of " his " family . I try to remind him that Ben is his son , not his brother . Sometimes it takes , others it doesn 't . Maybe Dad is protecting himself from the hurt by believing that it is Uncle Don in that bed , rather than his son . He knows , it is very possible , that the person in the bed may never come back . He just is very confused as to who that person is . I got to the hospital today and bought an iced chai tea and headed up to the fifth floor where my brother lay fighting the battle for his life . When I got to his room , the electrodes for the EEG had been removed . That machine was out of the room . He was still moaning and still reaching to the sky . I thought once or twice he was trying to make words through his moans . Wishful thinking I 'm sure . I talked to him . Told him the goings on of family members . Told him how excited his grand niece was to start preschool . I reminded him that he needed to be here to watch his nephew 's upcoming excursion into fatherhood . I thought I saw a glimmer of response , was it real or coincidental ? My brother is a techy . He loves just about anything there is to do with technology . He built the website for his church , St . George 's . He is very proud of the site and very possessive of it . He works hard on it . I 'm pretty sure most if not all of the photos on the site were taken by him . A friend of his from church told me that every now and then he would offer Ben a photo for the site , Ben would politely say no for one reason or another . He apparently wanted the work to all be his . Ben loves his computers . He knows how to fix about anything on a computer . If he was told he had to give up either his books or his computers to survive , he 'd probably choose not to survive . This all being said , Ben , has a flip phone . Yes , a flip phone . The only reason that he has that is because his previous phone , a model from 1988 , fell in the toilet . Ben will trudge around carrying a huge computer , his iPod and his cell phone everywhere he goes , rather than buy a smartphone . In February when my father was having gallbladder surgery Ben was lugging all of those things with him throughout the hospital . The computer is not a light thing to carry . I don 't remember how the subject came up , but we got onto the subject of smart phones . " I don 't need a smartphone , " he said , holding up his phone from 1922 , " this one works just fine . " I looked at him . I looked at my sister . I looked back at Ben and his collection of stuff all around him . I held up my iPhone and said , " see all of that stuff all around you , that heavy computer , that iPod , that phone . I have all of that stuff , RIGHT HERE ! " He looked at me , with the ever famous I know more than you look he has , " but if I want to edit a photo for the St . George 's web site , I can 't do it on that . " I sighed , looked at my sister , and sat back in my chair . There was no winning this one . The Father from the local church came by again today . He said a prayer for healing . I thought I saw a little spark of my brother come through while he was here . It is just so hard to tell . When the Father left I went to the bathroom for the fiftieth time . One thing good about drinking chai tea , you get your exercise . Ben sometimes seems to listen intently to his music that I keep playing next to him . Especially prayers , and chants . Once in a while he seems to try to chant along . Then returns to moaning . I keep the music going , and hope that at some point his moans will turn into chants . The barrage of tests go on . Blood cultures , so far , are still negative . Spinal tap cultures , so far , are still negative . Urine samples , stool samples , sputum samples , all negative , so far . I know this should feel like a good thing . No infection , so far . It doesn 't feel good though . If just one came back with a positive then they could treat it . If they treat it , Ben might come back . My brother has a , shall we say , a very unique sense of humor . He enjoys a pun much more than any normal person could . When he tells a joke he quite often uses references that most people have no idea what he is talking about . Then when you look at him blankly , obviously not getting it , he delights in showing his superior intelligence to explain it to you , you poor uneducated soul . Ben is a studier . He is like a sponge . If he decides to learn about something , he learns every last detail . He reads every study , manual , or book on the subject and retains it . He retains it all . He enjoys the process of learning . He would swim in knowledge if it was possible . Letting it soak in through every pore of his body . He seriously loves to know things . Then he enjoys even more imparting his knowledge unto others . Hence , the fifteen minute answer to a yes or no question . Asked a question , any question , he will fold his left arm over his stomach , rest his right elbow on his left hand . He will bring his right hand up to his chin , stroke his beard , look up and off to the right , squint his eyes , and say " Wellllllll . " Anyone that knows Ben , has seen and knows this gesture all too well . When you see it , you know you are in for quite a history lesson , or a detailed account or about to be regaled with a litany of facts about what ever trivial question you made the mistake to ask . I admit , you will always learn something , whether you like it or not . You will always leave with a new bit of knowledge you never thought you would know . You always have some new factoid stuck in your head . However , when the question you asked was , " is this DVD yours or Dad 's ? " You Becky Berry My brother had to have another EEG . Apparently they haven 't ruled out seizures as a cause of my brother 's condition . Yesterday when they did one , the tech finished it and took the leads right off . Today , she printed off a copy of the results and left to go show it to the doctors . She left the leads hooked up . I got up to talk to my brother . I noticed that there was a mess in his bed . The tube they had put in to gather his stool had slipped out . I decided to go downstairs while they changed his bed and cleaned him up . I went down and got some substance formally known as food and tried to eat . I called a Father at a local church that had called to check on Ben . I took deep breaths and said a little prayer . Not a prayer of thankfulness for pail watermelon and mushy lasagna , I knew God wouldn 't believe that anyway . I 'm pretty sure lying to God is a mortal sin . I said a prayer for healing or relief from pain . If God is ready to bring Ben home then please let it be painless . If he wants him to get better then please let it be quick . My brother 's religion is Greek Orthodox . My sister is Jewish . My father is Roman Catholic . My mother believed in Native American theology . Religion is not a binding factor in my family . Neither is it something that is causes tensions . One thing my mother instilled in us as children is a tolerance and even embracement of other beliefs and cultures . Which is probably why our own family is very diverse . I don 't have a church , but I have very strong religious beliefs and a strong faith in God that has led me to believe in the idea that every situation has a multitude of outcomes . Something that may seem horrible or terrible at the moment it is happening to you may be the best thing that can happen to you in that situation . It may take decades before you know that , but you will , one day , know it . I have learned over the years that when you pray your heart out for something , and God says no , which he will , one day you will know why . When you finally realize why , you will look back and see , " damm , God really knows what he 's doing . " So , I 've learned to pray for what he thinks is best , rather than what I think I want . When I do that it is with an open heart , I am often amazed at the outcome . Usually something I would have never thought of . I got back to the room , my brother was still hooked up to the EEG . I asked the nurse and he said they were still evaluating the results . If they find something they may still leave him hooked up . I put on a gown and gloves and went in . My brother was restless . I hooked up his Becky Berry Tuesday morning Dad and I woke up and started our usual routine . I had remembered that my dad ate a lot of poached eggs when I was a kid so I decided to try to make him poached eggs for breakfast . With the stress of the weekend I wanted to make him a breakfast he would enjoy . One was a success , one was not . He ate them both , because that 's just how he is . The phone rang , it was my sister . " They are no longer going to send Ben to the nursing home . " She said . " The doctor said he took a turn for the worse overnight and they are going to transport him to University of Iowa . He is no longer forming any words . He is responsive but just can 't make words . " My brother is a very verbal very wordy person . Asked a yes or no question he will give you a 15 minute answer . He was one frustrated person . " Thank God , " I told my sister . She went on to explain when it looked like they would get him transferred . Transferring from one medical facility to another is a long process . All of the stars in the universe have to align just perfectly and then it will take two more hours beyond that . I got things all packed up for Dad to spend as much time at the hospital as he was comfortable . I packed extra jeans and underwear , just in case of accidents . I got his meds all together and made sure he had his glasses . I called my kids and let them know what was going on with their uncle . They each headed out to . our house to wait for the call that Ben was on his way . Finally about 2 : 30 pm the call came , that would put him in Iowa City between 4 : 00 and 4 : 30 . About 4 : 00 pm I started the process of getting Dad to the car . I pushed his wheel chair down the hall , carried it down the front steps and locked the brakes . Dad got his walker , stood up and slowly struggled his way down the hall and down the steps . In his wheelchair I walked him around the house and to the car . Once he was inside the car I put his wheelchair in the back . The rest of us all climbed in and we took off for the hospital . We got to the emergency room and they took my dad , my sister and I back to the room my brother was placed in . The ER staff seemed a little confused as to why he wasn 't just taken to the floor . They ran tests , a rather unpleasant neurology intern kept running in and out yelling at my brother like he was deaf . My brother was still able to understand . He could respond but not with words . He was laughing some at appropriate times and crying at appropriate times . He was trying to ask me something and I couldn 't figure out what . I looked to Stacey and she said he might be trying to ask me why I was doing this . I looked at her perplexed . She continued that he had asked her that the day before . We as siblings had had our differences . Some more severe than others . I looked to Ben and asked if that 's what he was trying to ask . He looked at me in a way that I knew it was . I just looked at him and said , " you 're our brother , how many brothers do you think we have ? " He looked at me , tears rolling out of his eyes as he reached out to hug me . I hugged him back as he kept crying . A friend of Ben 's from his church came to the hospital with Stacey . He talked to Ben and even chanted to him . Ben tried to chant along with him . Waiting in an ER exam room is awful . The bed that Ben was laying on was uncomfortable , he kept putting his legs over the rails trying to crawl out . The chairs for visitors are really ancient torture devices cleverly disguised as modern furniture . It was after ten when they finally moved him to a floor . He was put on the Neuro floor . From the time he got to the floor he started another decline . He stopped responding to me as much . He wasn 't making eye contact as much . He was moaning rhythmically . There was a change . I stayed the night in his room . As much as he had been fighting to get out of bed I didn 't want him to end up falling . About 4 : 00 am he settled down and seemed to be resting . I dozed off as well . When I woke up , Ben had declined further . He was now not following verbal cues . He wasn 't following verbal commands . He was however still pulling away while the lab personnel took his blood . My brother is needle phobic to a very severe extreme . He leaves the room when my dad even needs his finger poked for an INR . He will recoil if someone is getting a shot . . . . . on TV . The fact that my brother was still fighting back against needles was , well , a good thing in my eyes . A barrage of tests were ordered . Many IVs were hung . A decision was made to move him up to intensive care . More tests were done . An EKG , an EEG , blood tests , urine cultures , chest Xrays . Still no real answers . In the afternoon they decided to do a spinal tap . I told the doctor under no circumstances let him see that needle . He would freak . They came in to do the tap and asked my sister and I to leave . We went downstairs grabbed a bite and headed back up . They were still in the room . We went back down to the waiting room for a few minutes . When we went back again they had just finished . The nurse came out and told us they weren 't able to get the fluid . In a weird way we were both happy . Not that they couldn 't get it , but maybe it meant he fought it , that he was being Ben . She went on to say he did great with it , they just needed weren 't able to get in . Our faces must of sunk because she looked at us oddly . " It 's good that it didn 't bother him , " I explained , " but it was very bad that he was a trooper . " That was NOT Ben . That was not what we were hoping to hear . Stacey and I decided to head home and get some sleep . We got home and explained what had happened throughout the day to Dad . He seemed to understand . This morning I called before I came back into the hospital so I could give Dad an update before I left . Ben was the same as the day before . He had some swelling that they wanted to check out and were sending him for a CT scan of his abdomen . They had put in a nasal gastric feeding tube to start giving him a medicine to lower his ammonia level and see if he responds to that . The liver doctors don 't really believe he has hepatic encephalopathy , but it certainly won 't hurt to try treating him as if he did . After getting Dad his breakfast and showing Stacey where everything was I left for the hospital . When I got there I saw that they had put him under contact isolation . If I wanted to touch him I needed to wear a gown and gloves . The CT scan had shown some fluid on his abdomen . They wanted to do a paracentesis to analyze it . Make sure there wasn 't an infectious process going on there . Ben has had paracentesis before . Liver disease can cause fluid to fill the abdomen . Sometimes this fluid needs to be removed to take pressure off the other organs and make him more comfortable . I 'm now in the waiting room while they stick my brother with yet another dreaded evil needle . There is still no real answer . He is turning into a science experiment . The only choice they have is to check for everything and hope they stumble upon the answer . When we were kids he would pick on me . He would tickle me relentlessly until I would cry because I couldn 't breath . He would boss me around when our parents weren 't home . He would constantly make me feel stupid by correcting me . In other words , he was a normal big brother . I would get my revenge in any way I could . One of my favorite ways was to call him Benny Boy . He hated it . That 's why I loved it . My parents actually were kind of amused by it . So , of course , I made sure to call him Benny Boy when they were around and he couldn 't get retribution . My parents would laugh , Ben would seethe . I was quite a bit younger than my sister and brother , so I could get away with stuff like that because I was cute ! There were times though , that my big brother was my protector . One time when we were vacationing in the Black Hills , Ben , Stacey and I were out walking . Somewhere along the way I stepped on a cactus . The thorn went through my tennis shoe and poked my foot . I cried , I was a bit of a cry baby . Ben picked me up , put me on his back and carried me , piggy back , all the way back to camp . I realized probably Half way down the hill , and it was a big hill , that my foot wasn 't really hurt , but I loved getting piggy back rides from my brother . We got back down to camp , where our parents were . My mom grabbed me and checked my foot . It was fine . My mom was very proud of my brother for taking care of me that day . I remember her telling the next door neighbor and a few other people about in the days after we got home from vacation . She would glow with pride every time I heard her tell it . My brother was also my teacher . He taught me many things . Including , most important to me at the time , how to ride a bike . My mom didn 't believe in training wheels . She thought they were a crutch , and that kids got addicted to them . Yeah , I don 't get it either , but there you are . Ben ended up being my training wheels . He encouraged me for weeks to keep trying to ride the little red bike that used to be his . My dad took out the piece that made it a " boy 's bike . " He was much too tall for it . Therefore it was now mine . Though he reminded me often that it was really his . He would hold me up on my / his bike , running beside me making sure I didn 't fall . He was the one to give me that last push off . That final hands in the air , " I 'm not holding you any more " let go that transitioned me from learning to ride a bike , to actually riding a bike . Therefore , my hero . My brother is now the one who needs protected and needs a hero . He has been battling non alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver for several years now . It turns out that he has a genetic abnormality that caused Ben not to produce a necessary enzyme that protects the liver . Over his lifetime the damage was occurring unknown to him . By the time he found out what was going on , the damage had been done . He needed a new liver . Getting an organ , any organ , is a very complicated process . It takes a long time . You have to qualify , not just medically , but financially , you have to show that you can keep up with the medication regime , and show that you have support for back up . You have to have a specific person ordained as your support person . That person has to be able to come to appointments with you , be available to make sure you take your meds , basically be your best bud plus . Ben has been going through all of the interviews and tests to get a transplant . The one thing that has been holding him back is the financial part , and his MELD score . A MELD score is a battery of scoring how severe a disease process is , and how badly a person needs a transplant compared to someone else who may also be a match for that organ . His MELD score has been at a point where he is considered not sick enough for a liver . Saturday evening things changed . Things changed abruptly and severely . A very frightening life turn . I got a call from my sister . I couldn 't get to the phone in time and missed it . She left a voicemail and I figured I would check it in a few minutes . I was busy making supper . Then my phone rang again . This time it was my brother 's ring tone . " Ooooh , myyyyy , oooooh myyyyyy , " George Takei 's distinctive voice kept repeating . This time I got to the phone . I picked it up , slid my finger across the screen to answer it . In broken words , out of order and hard to understand , my brother started talking to me . He was at work . He was wondering if his speech pattern sounded weird to me . I listened hard and tried to understand what he was saying . Once I got what he was trying to ask me , I told him that yes , he sounded very weird and I was having trouble understanding him . He asked if I thought he should go to the hospital and I told him , yes . He had already called my sister and had told her that if he hadn 't snapped out of it by 8 : 00 , he was going to have her take him over to the hospital . I told him to go right away . He was the only one working and needLast night , the hospital said they were going to send Ben to University of Iowa Hospitals today to have them biopsy the lesion . They weren 't equipped for such delicate procedures . Since it is affecting his speech , it , or at least part of it , is quite probably in the language center of the brain . That makes biopsy and extraction even more difficult . I wanted Ben transferred right away , but they wanter to wait until today . Today my sister got to the hospital and found out they were going to transfer Ben , to a nursing home , with a very poor reputation . She was able to nip that in the bud , but they were still determined to ship him out . Out any where they could . They started talking about a home in Perry , another hour away from here , and another hour away from Iowa City where he needs to go for most of his appointments . As it turned out it was another nursing home with a bad reputation as well . My sister kept fighting them . At one point I told her to have him discharged to home and then just take him to Iowa City to the ER . Ben was worried about the legality of it . While I 'm sure it is legal , I don 't think he was willing to take the chance his insurance would decide not to pay if he did . Oh , and by the way , at this point we still don 't know if my brother has a malignant time bomb in his head . Finally , the social worker found a good nursing home in Baxter . Ben agreed to it . Baxter is actually a little closer to me and not that far from my sister . It seemed like a good compromise . As the weekend turned into the week , not only did my brother not improve , but according to my sister has gotten weaker . He doesn 't have the strength to walk even with a walker . He actually fell while trying to go to the bathroom Sunday . Whatever is wrong is not getting better . Tomorrow , my big brother goes to a nursing home . We still don 't know what is wrong . We still don 't know if he has a cancer brewing in his skull . He is depressed . He needs a hero . Posted by Today Dad and I had to go to Des Moines to get his toe nails clipped . Yes , it seems silly that we had to drive an hour and a half to get toe nails clipped . I have , since he moved here to live with us , tried to keep as much normal as I can . One of the things I have insisted on is that all of his medical care continue at the VA in Des Moines . It is where he is used to . He knows his way around , he knows people there . Everything else in his life has changed , I wanted to let him have something that didn 't . On the way there he talked about things from the past . He talked about things that we drove past . While he didn 't talk like he was living in the past , he wasn 't quite in the present either . As we were leaving the house today , he asked about the neighbor lady that brought us some tomatoes yesterday . Then said that they were the neighbors that had asked permission to build something next to the fence on our property . " But then they tore it down , " he said . We don 't have a fence . He pointed to our shed and insisted that was the building . The building he had just said had been torn down . I told him , no that was our shed . He was confusing our house with his house , where a neighbor did ask and build a shed , next to the fence , on his property . He has good days and bad days , today wasn 't the best . All the way to Des Moines , he would point out things that had been there forever and talk about them like they were brand new . At the same time he talked of taking his mom to Davenport to see her sister . The concept that that was a long time ago seemed intact . He knew that his aunt had passed away a long time ago . We got to the VA hospital , he knew where we needed to go . He directed me in the right direction and we got a few other things done besides getting his toe nails cut on his one foot . We went to the eye care clinic and got his glasses adjusted again , and got him some ted hose . He even got to chat a bit with some physical therapists he worked with while he was at the Community Living Center there . I think he kind of enjoyed the trip today . On the way home he started talking about the past again . He told me a story about Billie Jean Triber . Billie Jean was , I think , his first love . He met her while he was in the service during WWII . I think , perhaps , had her parents been different , he would have married her . Her parents had money , he didn 't . She was going to college in Nevada . I haven 't quite figured out how they met , but I do know that her mother didn 't approve . They were from Alaska , and Billie Jean 's mother made her leave college and come back home . She had someone more suitable in mind for Billie Jean to wed . This isn 't the first time I have heard of Billie Jean . When Dad speaks of her , a little light , stardust perhaps , gleams in his eyes . He has a look I never see any other time . He said today that he would like to see her again . He knows there is a possibility that she has passed away . He almost said it , but got a catch in his voice when he did . He said , " the last letter I got from her was the day before her wedding , she was asking me to come get her and bring her home . " He said that twice . I think he wishes he had done just that . I looked up Billie Jean Triber in Alaska tonight when I got home . I got one good hit . There is an organization called Pioneers of Alaska in Anchorage . I found a newsletter dPosted by Since my dad came to live with us , most of my time is spent looking after his needs . If he wants to go out for a ride , we go , but then he usually doesn 't want to get out of the car . We just drive around . Sometimes with a destination in mind , sometimes not . Most times though , if we have a destination , it is someplace that I run into real quick , like the store . About the only time we ever really stop anywhere is at Olive Garden to eat lunch . I never thought I would say this , but I 'm kind of tired of Olive Garden . Once we tried going up to Coralville Lake . At that time the water was really high so most places were blocked off . We never got out of the car then either . Today , Dad was out and about with my brother for the day . Bazinga and I had the day to ourselves . I grabbed my camera , we got in the car , and away we went . I didn 't know where I was going to go , I just went . I was out of the house , and I could go where ever I wanted . I pointed the car southwest and drove . I had a sense of freedom I hadn 't had in two months . I love my dad dearly , and I am so grateful to have this time with him , but it is hard sometimes . Dad 's dementia is getting worse . Not quickly , thank God , but it is progressing . He asks me the same questions over and over again . Every single time Bazinga barks at something dad laughs and says , " what is he barking at now ? " He thinks it is funny that he 's barking . Me , not so much . There are times when he goes thru his mail and asks me the same questions over and over . He will put one piece of mail down , after asking me questions about it , then pick it up again in a few minutes and ask the same questions again , and again a few more minutes later . I keep having to tell myself that he 's not doing it on purpose . His short term memory doesn 't transfer to long term memory . He truly doesn 't remember asking the questions . It can be very frustrating , more for me than him , as he doesn 't remember already asking . That 's why today was so needed . I needed a day to just clear my mind . A day to just chase dragonflies and watch ducks . A day when I didn 't have to answer ANY questions , much less the same one over and over . I sometimes feel like a mother of a toddler again . I know that sounds awful , but it is quite like that . Only this toddler is 160 pounds , and has every legal right to say no . The saddest part is knowing that Dad is going to get worse , not better . A toddler grows and develops . He learns and becomes a little person . Dad is going to decline . He is going to lose what makes him , him . Knowing this makes me want to spend as much time with him as I can , but I do still need a break now and again . Honestly , I think he enjoys the break from me , too . Bazinga needed time out and about as well . We both enjoyed the day . We spent a long time at a little county park we found by Montezuma . There was a lake , and ducks and bullfrogs and dragon flies . We sat and watched . Just watched . And watched some more . We got sunshine , we got fresh air , we got cleared minds . Well , Bazinga got fresh air and sunshine , there isn 't much of a mind there to clear . He was happy none the less . He did all of the dog things . He sniffed , he peed , he sniffed , he peed . When he was done with that , he sniffed and peed some more . Whoever decided that someone who has a hard life has a " dog 's life " didn 't know my dog . My favorite part of the day , just taking pictures . I fell on my butt at one point trying to get a photo of a dragonfly , but I didn 't care . ( I just hoped no one saw me . If they did , well , who cares . Odds are I will never see them again . ) I picked myself up , brushed myself off and kept snapping away . Luckily , I didn 't land on Bazinga . He was very happy about that . Quiet surrounded me . It was wonderful . It was exactly what I needed . It fueled my energy . It helped me gain strength for the days to come . Bazinga enjoyed the long ride home . His head out the window . His nose sniffing happily away . The chicken made it ! Willie and I drove from Williamsburg to Grimes with the air conditioner on full blast the whole way . The horse rode in the back of the van , and the chicken rode on my lap . We made it to the park , both cakes intact , Willie and I , popsicles . Nothing melted , and nothing broken . With a birthday in August it is a perfect time to have a party in a park . Somehow , every year , the weather has been wonderful for her party . Even last year when the Midwest was a scalding hot wasteland , the day of her party was wonderful . This year was no different . The weather was perfect . Not too hot , a nice breeze blowing . It was a good day . Kahlen and her friends played long and hard . Presents were opened and Kahlen made out like a bandit . One wonderful present was from her Grammy , Shane 's mom . She is going to pay for a year of dance lessons for Kahlen . Such a perfect present for her ! She loves to dance and already tries to do ballet moves . After watching the gymnasts in the summer Olympics she has been seen doing moves like she saw them do . Now that she is a big girl , she can do things that only " big people " can do . Like climbing the jungle gym . " Only big people can do this , " she told me . " It is very scary ! " Baby brother Paxton got in on the fun . He was a little cranky that day . We now know why , he was working on cutting his first tooth . Swinging in the swing made everything all better . He would have stayed there all day if he hadn 't gotten hungry . I do believe the birthday girl had a fabulous time . Her mommy and daddy gave her a wonderful party ! When she got home she played on her bike for a while , but was exhausted . Mommy told her that it was going to be an early bedtime night , and Kahlen said , " OK . " 100 % proof that it was a successful day ! Alyssa asked me if I wanted to make Kahlen 's birthday cake this year . I love making birthday cakes . I don 't have any training with it , so things don 't always work out the way I hope they will . I try real hard though . Kahlen wanted a farm theme party . Alyssa and I had taken Kahlen and Paxton down to my friend Dawn 's house for a weekend in May and Kahlen fell in love with all of the animals she had . Even the chickens , despite one rooster ( forever to be known as the " bad chicken " ) chasing her down and terrifying her . For her cake she couldn 't decide between a horse and a chicken . I 'd ask her and she 'd say , horse . I 'd ask her again and it would be chicken . I finally said , how about both ! She smiled and said yes . The horse cake I made out of cupcakes . Lemon cupcakes with blueberry filling . I " painted " a poster board with frosting to set them on . The frosting made the cupcakes stick into place and gave the horse a back ground besides a white board . The chicken was a lot more complicated . The easiest part was the nest . Chocolate almond bark , melted and chow mien noodles stirred in , then shaped into a nest . Easy peasy . Kahlen wanted strawberry cake , so that 's what the chicken would be . I baked the cakes and then froze them so they would cut cleaner to shape them . I made a strawberry cream filling for between the layers . Quite tasty if I do say so myself . However , tasty did not make for sticky and the layers kept sliding apart . I looked around the kitchen for something to keep the layers in place . I found a reusable plastic straw , I ran it through the layers , and it worked ! The next step , the head . Dawn 's rooster , Ernie , was my inspiration . Ernie , WAS NOT , the BAD chicken . I had been given explicit instructions , by Kahlen , not to make it look like the BAD chicken . To make the head I used rice crispy treats . They are moldable and stick together pretty good . I molded the head around the end of the straw sticking up out of the cake . I had to hold it together for quite a while . It was hot enough that day that the marshmallows didn 't want to firm back up . Once I got it just about where I wanted it I stuck it in the fridge to get it to stay in place . Of course every chicken needs a tail . Yeah , yeah , I know , it looks more like a turkey tail , but poultry is poultry . Kahlen didn 't know the difference anyway , as long as it wasn 't the bad chicken . The tail kept trying to slip off as well . I called Willie to see if they had bamboo shiskabob ( I know I didn 't spell it right , not even close enough for spell check to figure it out . ) skewers at Lowe 's , they didn 't . I looked around the kitchen again . A BABY SPOON ! I stuck a baby spoon down the chickens tail . It seemed to be working . While I was applying the gray frosting all I could think of was the movie " Steel Magnolias . " Do you know that movie ? It is one of my favorites . One of the main characters , Shelby , was getting married , and her groom to be asked his aunt to make the grooms cake . He wanted an armadillo , and they are gray . It was a red velvet cake . They called it the " bleeding armadillo cake . " This wasn 't red velvet , but it was strawberry . More details were added . It took quite a while as I had to stop to put it in the fridge every now and then . The end result was pretty good . I think it looked like a chicken anyway . Next question , would it make the trip to Grimes with out either melting or just falling apart ? My daughter in law , Caitlin , is pregnant . If you didn 't already know this it must be because you don 't live in Iowa , and not Facebook friends with anyone I know . You see , Caitlin is very happy and very excited to be pregnant . She has wanted a baby well , at least since the second she and Josh said " I do . " I suspect however that this longing for a baby was inborn in her . She is one of those people who were just born to be a parent . The theme for the shower was Rock a Bye Baby , with the emphasis on ROCK . I had a lot of fun making the invitations . I experimented with several different , what I called , prototypes , and settled on the one shown . The card stock had several shades of blue , and they were all hand painted , so each was unique . Unfortunately , some got out a little late , that 's what happens when you do things by hand though . ( that 's my story and I 'm sticking to it ! ) My daughter Valerie came out to my house to make cupcakes and help make some decorations two days before . My daughter Alyssa , and my friends Dawn and Kelley and I spent the evening before decorating . As you can see we carried the music theme into the decorations . Family and friends were there . The soon to be new great grandmother and grand mother were both there . This will be the first grand baby for Caitlin 's parents . I think perhaps , even as excited as they are , just perhaps , great grandma is just a tad bit more excited . There was also food , onsie painting , silly games and conversation . We had people write happy , ( OK silly and some a little sarcastic , ) messages on diapers for the new parents to use for those endless middle of the night diaper changes . Something to make them giggle in their delirium . Many had the message , " make Josh change this one . " We had clues all over in the decorations , for people to try and guess the baby 's name . Which is Noah . I think people had fun . I know Caitlin was excited and enjoying seeing everyone . There were babies galore there , that made her even happier . One little glitch , which I had nothing to do with , so , not my fault , was the baby registry . She was registered at Target . You know , so that she would get the things she wanted and needed . AND not get any duplicates . . . . . . She ended up with three pack and plays . Yes , three . OK , maybe one was my fault , I went at the last minute and bought one . I had noticed the day before that it wasn 't checked off the list . When I got to Target the list wouldn 't print out , ( see still not my fault ) and I took the chance and got one anyway . On the bright side , I think they took two back and used it toward a crib . One game we played was one I made up . I painted five different pictures on poster board . Each one depicted a song with the word " rock " in it and a little hint about who the artist that sang it was . Below are photos of said paintings . Can you figure out the songs and artists ? I am a self proclaimed artist and photographer , but will never make any money at it because , lets face it not many people get that chance . But thats ok , because it means my art is all my own , not what someone else wants it to be . Although , I have recently made a little money painting windows , which has been a lot of fun . I love my family more than I would have ever imagined . That is the one constant in my life . I am a wife , mother and grandmother . Even with every change that comes along , no matter how far I am from them , my family is my life . Please know that all of the text and photos are copy right protected . All rights reserved . Not to be duplicated or used in anyway with out express permission of the author of this blog I know It has been forever since I posted . I just haven 't been able to find words to write . It 's not that I haven 't had . . . Stroganoff . What does stroganoff have to do with Tucker the Pig . . . well , I 'm going to tell you . If you are a great foodie who loves his . . . I woke up this morning full of hope for the day . Stacey was coming out to stay with Dad while I went to a doctor appointment . After my app . . . Yesterday , I decided it was time . I 've lived in this house for a year and a half now . The room has been there the whole time . I peake . . .

Michael and I grew up together . We went through grade school together . Then on to high school , where together we stayed . Neither of us wanted to pursue a " higher " education , so we decided to travel to broaden ourselves , as the terminology was in those days . At that time , we thought good would always win out over evil . But we were yet to be taught our lessons of the real world . Evil does sometimes triumph over good . Michael James was six feet tall . He had straight blonde hair and blue eyes . The bluest eyes I ever did see . If limpid means clear as I think it does , then Michael 's eyes were limpid pools of blue . The color was that of the sky , perhaps a little lighter with flecks of yellow throughout the irises . Upon meeting Michael for the first time one was taken aback by his eyes . They did not bore into your soul - they lit up your life . Then there was his smile . I had known Michael for many years and I don 't think I ever saw him without that shit - eatin ' grin on his puss . And that grin , and its persistence , was amazing , given the fact that Michael suffered from a skin problem . He had large red patches on his skin , including his face . They came and went . I thought the name of the disease was psoriasis , but of that I am not certain . Michael had no mother . She died when he was quite young . . . before I knew him . He had no siblings ; he was reared by his father , which is probably the reason I am alive today . By that , I mean he was raised to be a man . He was taught " The Code " of real men , which is : You do what you have to do . Though we both had the travel bug , my case was more pronounced than his . During the summer between our junior and senior years of high school , I took off and bounced around the country while Michael held down the fort , so to speak . When I returned to finish my last year of school ( at that time I still bought into the myth that you needed at least a high school education to survive in the world ) , I regaled Michael with tales of my adventures . Well , after hearing what a wonderful world awaited us out there , Michael could not wait to hit the road . He wanted to leave immediately , but seeing as how I had just come in from a three - month run , I prevailed upon him to wait a few months and allow me to at least try to get my diploma . He said he would wait , but he did not , or he could not . Within six weeks of my return , Michael was on the road . Michael was hip , and the only place for a hip guy to migrate in 1968 was San Francisco . And that was the end of Michael 's roaming . He fell in love with the city . I endured my senior year as long as I could , but two weeks short of graduation I said , " The hell with it ! " , stuck out my thumb and headed for San Francisco to rendezvous with my friend . This will tell you something about my friend Michael : He always had a place to live out there , and never paid rent . People were always asking him home , and once there , he just moved in . They were always glad to have him . And when I would hit town , he 'd take me to wherever he was living and tell me to make myself at home . The person who actually owned the domicile never looked askance when he brought me through the door , they all loved Michael , and any friend of Michael 's . . . For the most part , Michael stayed in San Francisco . I , however , could not stay in one town for more than a few days . I was like a pinball , rebounding from coast to coast , and from Canada to Mexico . While on the road I was alive . When on the road , I interacted with humanity and had to live by my wits . I loved being on the road . Because of Michael 's reluctance to leave San Francisco , I had two homes , one on each coast . My mother 's in Miami , and wherever the hell Michael was staying at the moment in San Francisco . On one of my forays to San Francisco , I was introduced to Linda , the love of Michael 's life - his soul mate . They had met at a Clint Eastwood marathon . A movie house was playing the three Sergio Leone films . You know , A Fist Full of Dollars , For a Few Dollars More , and The Good , the Bad , and the Ugly … non - stop , twenty - four hours a day . Michael had a bag of Red Acid , and in 1969 , what girl wouldn 't swoon toward a man who was into Clint Eastwood and had a bag of LSD ? It was love at first sight . Now that Michael had himself a woman , he got his own digs . Every time I hit town they were living in a new place . It wasn 't always easy to find them , but somehow we would always meet up on Haight Street . I stayed with them on Geary in the Tenderloin . We stayed south of Market in the low rent district , we stayed across from Golden Gate Park , and at the end , we were again in the Haight - Asbury district . One thing I must tell you about Michael so you can get a sense of the man . And yes , he was a man ; though we were the same age , he was a man , while I was just a kid . I think Michael knew he did not have much time in this world . He could not wait for anything . Back then , we were doing acid all the time . Normally , you would swallow a pill and wait for it to take effect . But not Michael . The twenty minutes or so that it took was just too long for him . He had to shoot the acid into his vein to get off instantaneously . Of course Linda and I would have to follow suit or there would be no peace . And in those days , I just did not have it in me to stick myself with a needle . Michael did the honors . The last time I came into San Francisco and saw Michael and Linda was in 1970 , it was July . They were living in the Haight . It was a crummy neighborhood ; the Summer of Love was three years gone by then . All the shops on Haight Street were boarded up with sheets of plywood , and the denizens of the street were the leftovers from that long ago summer . True to form , it was not Michael 's apartment he took me to ; he and Linda were living with a guy named Bobby . Bobby was a likable enough fellow . He just didn 't know bad men when he met them . Bobby had set up a " drug " deal to buy two pounds of marijuana . Nowadays it seems ridiculous to term buying two pounds of pot a drug deal , but in those days , that was heavy shit . It was my first night in town and we were sitting in Bobby 's pad smoking a joint when Michael told me he was going to be a father . I looked over at Linda , she was radiant , and she was also blushing . I was just about to say something appropriate when the door crashed open , and two guys burst through the entrance . They were the assholes that Bobby was supposed to buy the pot from . Only one of them had a gun , but that was enough for us . When told to lie on the floor , we did so without protest . They then said to Bobby , " Where 's the cash ? " Bobby answered , " In my pocket . " The guy covering us with the gun told the other guy to get the money . Bobby , trying to be helpful , reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out a wad of cash . Then it seemed like a lot of money , but now , as I look back on that night , it couldn 't have been more than $ 500 . 00 . Before I could think of anything to do , Michael bounded to his feet and rushed the guy with the gun . When I saw Michael go into action , it released me from my paralysis , but not soon enough to help Michael . He took a bullet to the chest . While Michael was being shot , I picked up a lamp from a table and smashed it over the gunman 's head while his partner stood frozen in place . The man with the gun went down hard and the gun fell from his hand . All this went down fast ; in a blur , I did not have time to think . I picked up the gun from the floor while the other guy still stood frozen . Obviously they were not professionals , though , at the moment , that did not enter into my thinking . I aimed the gun at the one standing and shot him dead with two shots . Then I turned to the one on the floor . He was moving and about to get up when I put a bullet into his head . By the time the second one fell to the floor , Linda was bent over Michael . I dropped the gun and went to them . He looked at her and smiled , then he looked at me and said , " Get her out of here . " We both , Linda and I , said at the same time , " No ! " Then Michael died . It took me a full minute , which at the time felt like an eternity , to make a decision . I grabbed Linda by the arms and pulled her into a standing position . She was numb . I told her we had to get out of there ; that this was a drug deal gone bad , and there were dead bodies - four of them ! I told her prison was no place to have a baby , and Michael knew that . That is why he wanted her out of there . I told Linda to collect everything of hers and Michael 's that could identify them . I had the presence of mind to wipe the gun clean , but not to pick up the cash lying on the floor . Linda could have used it ; she had a baby on the way . I took Michael 's wallet . He had never been arrested so I knew they couldn 't identify him by his fingerprints . After I had Michael 's wallet , and while Linda went about collecting her things , I took the time to vomit all over Bobby 's carpet . It was , after all , the first time I had killed . We left Michael and never looked back . Though it wasn 't actually Michael we left , only the body that housed that wonderful , brave man . Linda 's folks lived in New Jersey , so I hitchhiked with her to the east coast . She was in a state of shock , and because Michael 's last words , though not implicit , were to look after her , that is what I did . After getting her to her parents , I stayed in the northeast for the next seven months . I kept moving , but would drop in to see her every few weeks . Seven months later , when the baby was born , I was there . I was there for my friend Michael . It was a boy and I was asked to be his godfather . by Andrew JoyceMay 3 , 2017May 3 , 2017 They are always with me . At times they appear out of the ethereal mist , and other times they speak directly to my mind . I wish they would leave me to myself , but that they will not do . No , first I must do their bidding . They come in the night and stay until the black sky fades to gray . When the stars leave the sky and the clouds to the east turn pink , I am allowed my rest . But I ask you , what respite can a murderer have ? At their behest , I have killed again this night . And I will continue to kill until they go back from whence they came . After all I 've been through , I still remember the first time they came to me . It was a little over a year ago , and since then I have killed twenty - nine people . Please do not think me insane . I assure you these beings are real and not immanent . At first , I , too , thought myself demented when they stood before me telling me they came to save the human race , and to accomplish their mission , certain people must die . They explained that the demise of the race was not impending , but if action was not taken , and taken soon , it would be too late to set things on a course to ensure the continuance of mankind . You are probably wondering , if you do not think me crazed , why they cannot do their own dirty work . That is a very good question and one I have asked them . They , of course , are not of our time and space . They appear - when they appear - as diaphanous specters ; they cannot manipulate physical matter . Thus , I have become their instrument here on earth . Where or when they are from , I do not know . And why , out of all the billions on this planet , I was chosen , I know not . But it has been a long night and I must sleep . I will continue this at a later date , and continue it I shall , for I want there to be a record of my actions and the reasons for them . I am back . It has been two days since my last entry in this journal , and tonight they had me kill again . That makes thirty people - thirty innocent people … men , women , and children - I have dispatched from this world . Yes … I am sorry to say that they have had me kill children . However , I was told that after tonight there would be no more need of my services . The human race was safe for the foreseeable future . Tonight 's victim was a man in Moscow . I was directed to him and given his name . I then set about their business . I was told that his son , yet unborn , would one day invent something that would cause the death of billions . Being told the basis for this particular death was a departure from the norm . I had never been given rhyme nor reason for any of the others . The man 's name and the names of the other twenty - nine , including where and when they died , are in the addendum attached to this missive . I remember every one of my quarry . I guess I should have mentioned this earlier , but my victims were scattered around the world . I do not know how they did it , but one minute I was in my room behind a locked door , and the next minute I was standing in a foreign locale with the name of that night 's victim swirling through my brain . Then into my mind came the place I could find him or her in the city , town , or hamlet . Now , the thirty - first person will die . They , at last , have left me to myself . I am now free to end this the only way it can be ended - with my death . I 've been saving and hiding my medication for quite a while now ; there is enough to kill three of me . May God have mercy on my soul . When Dr . Allen had finished reading the above , he turned to Dr . Harris and said , " Interesting , but why have you brought it to me ? We both know that the man was a certified , delusional schizophrenic . How long have we had him here at our institution ? " " I 've taken the liberty of investigating a few of the names on Fitzgerald 's list . It 's taken me three weeks , but I 've verified eleven of the deaths and their time and place . They all correspond with what Fitzgerald has written . " " Excuse me , sir , but Fitzgerald had no access to newspapers . He was denied them because they would agitate him to no end . And the only television he had access to was in the day room where the set is perpetually tuned to a movie channel . " " No , sir , it does not . However , there is one more thing I think I should make you aware of . My sister is married to a Russian physicist , speaks fluent Russian , and lives in Moscow . I called her about the last name on Fitzgerald 's list . She made a few calls for me and it turns out that Fitzgerald was dead before the body of the man he mentions was discovered . And just one more thing , sir . The man 's wallet was found in Fitzgerald 's room . I have it if you 'd like to see it . " Turning a color red that is not in the regular spectrum , Dr . Allen shouted , " NO ! I DO NOT WANT TO SEE THE DAMN WALLET ! " Then handing the Fitzgerald papers to Dr . Harris , he said with ice in his voice , " Burn these , burn them now . And if you value your position here at Oakwood , you will never speak of this matter again … to anyone . Do I make myself clear ? " But Dr . Harris did not burn the papers . He placed them , along with the wallet , in his desk drawer and locked it . He had some thinking to do . As he started on his rounds , a quote of Shakespeare 's kept repeating itself in his head . " There are more things in heaven and earth , Horatio , than are dreamt of in your philosophy . " If anyone feels so inclined , I 'd appreciate it if you 'd like my Facebook page . You can click on the button on the right side of the page . Thank you . by Andrew JoyceMarch 9 , 2017March 9 , 2017 The sun sends its warm rays down onto the world , onto the trees and onto the green grass of my home . God is in his Heaven as I lie in my grave - my home of two years . I killed a man . I killed him out of fear , fear of losing my love . But I lost her anyway when they hung me from the old oak that stands out front of the courthouse . I had me some bottomland , only forty acres , but it was mine . I had cleared it and planted corn and sorghum in the spring of ' 85 . I was a man in love . Her name was Faith and she was the most beautiful woman in the world , at least to me . I 've never been around womenfolk all that much , so I wasn 't prepared when I first saw her . I was in town for supplies . I had just finished loading my wagon when she walked by . She looked like an angel . Her hair was long and raven - black . As she walked away , the light shone on her hair and rippled as it would over a small placid pond . Her eyes were gray . She made my legs quaver . I fell in love . I did not see her again until the grange meeting . I went because the topic of discussion was to be water rights . I had my water , but if someone was going to take some of it , I needed to know about it beforehand . She sat stately in the front row . Nothing much was accomplished at the meeting . Afterward , I stood outside lighting my pipe when she walked up to me . She was so beautiful that I got weak in the knees . " Hello , Mister MacDonald , my name is Faith Simpson . My people own the land next to yours . We just moved here from the East and I 've been wanting to meet you . " Then , on a cold dark night , I made the mistake of my life . She was standing on a chair , putting up curtains in my cabin . She was getting it ready for when she would live there . Jim Peters - from up a ways on the mountain - had come down on his way to town and stopped by when he saw the light in the window . I know now that I was mistaken , but this is what I saw . As I walked up to the cabin , through the window , I saw her in his arms . Now I know that she had stumbled and Jim caught her before she hit the floor . But I didn 't know that back then . I pulled my gun and sent Jim Peters to another world . If anyone feels so inclined , I 'd appreciate it if you 'd like my Facebook page . You can click on the button on the right side of the page . Thank you . by Andrew JoyceFebruary 26 , 2017February 26 , 2017 We were in love … so in love . It was summertime , it was the beginning of our lives - it was the end of our lives . She was a black - haired beauty , loving me as no one has ever loved me . The time spent with her was so sweet . Her soul , her smile , her everything … I loved her so much . So it 's funny how things worked out . Her father did not approve of me ; he thought me a loser … not good enough for his daughter . When I came a - calling , he would show his disapproval by addressing me as the bug he thought I was . Never a civil word did I get from him . I went to her house that night … that horrible night . She was to be outside waiting for me , but she wasn 't . Instead , her father met me and he had a gun in his hand . The gun misfired . Without thinking , I took it from him . Without thinking , I turned it and pointed it at him . Without thinking , I killed him . The weapon did not misfire for me . Although I wish it had . If anyone feels so inclined , I 'd appreciate it if you 'd like my Facebook page . You can click on the button on the right side of the page . Thank you . by Andrew JoyceFebruary 20 , 2017February 22 , 2017 He was dead when I got there . Dead as a doornail , deader than a dead fish , deader than Kelsey 's nuts , dead as … well , I think you 've figured out the message I 'm trying to convey here . The son - of - a - bitch was fuckin ' dead ! The door of the hotel room had been ajar , so I entered without knocking . Someone had bashed his brains in . No , that 's not accurate . Someone had bashed his brains out ! They were oozing from the wound and congealing on the floor where he lay . His name is not important but , for the record , I 'll tell you . When he was breathing , he was known as Vinnie " Five Fingers " Diamonte . Now that he was no longer breathing , you can call him anything you want , which would have been a dangerous thing to do when he was among us - the living . He wasn 't called " Five Fingers " for nothing . ( I 'll leave it to your imagination . ) I was sent by my boss , Tony Shivs , to pick up three hundred large from Vinnie . Now Vinnie was dead and I thoroughly searched the room , but there was no money to be found . You know whose fault it 's gonna turn out to be , who was gonna get the blame . Yeah , that 's right . Yours Truly . Perhaps I should back up a little so you 'll know what I 'm talking about . My name is Billy Irish . That 's not really my name , but it 's what the wise guys call me . My real name is William Michael Andrew Doyle . Andrew is my Confirmation name . Through my girl , who was " connected , " I fell in with a crew of Italian - Americans . That 's what I called them to their face . When I was with my own kind ( Irish - Americans or micks ) , I referred to them as wops and / or guineas . Anyway , I 'm getting off track here . I was an employee of Anthony " Tony Shivs " Salvintore , and I usually did as I was told . I was kind of low man on the totem pole because I 'm not a wop . But that 's cool with me . Not being of Italian descent , there 's no way that I can be " made . " To be a made man , you 've got to off someone … you know , kill a fellow human being , and that 's just not my style . I 'm a gofer , a courier . It doesn 't pay well , but it beat working for a living . At least it did until I walked into Vinnie 's room and found him dead and the money I was supposed to pick up missing . When he sent me there , he told me only three people knew about the pick - up and where it was to take place . And I was , as he phrased it , to keep my big yap shut . It was obvious that someone else was also privy to the information . But knowing that I was innocent of any wrongdoing didn 't mean shit . Yeah , eventually Tony would believe that I had not taken his money . But by then I would probably be missing a few digits ( fingers mostly ) , and I 'm sure I 'd need a wheelchair to get around for the foreseeable future . So , as I sat there looking at the mortal remains of Vinnie " Five Fingers " Diamonte , the only thought going through my mind was what the hell do I do now ? If I disappeared , then there 'd be no doubt as to my guilt . And I couldn 't go back without the money . I 'd been sent to pick up a package and if I did not return with said package , then I was a fuckup . And I had heard the old bastard say on more than one occasion , " I ain 't got no room in my outfit for no fuckups . " Sitting there staring at Vinnie wasn 't gonna help my situation any . So I figured I might as well test the water , so to speak . I got up , walked over to the phone - once again making sure I didn 't step in any brains - and started to call Tony . Then I remembered there would be a record of it , and once the body was found , the cops would be on Tony 's doorstep faster than I can write these words . Perhaps not that fast , but you know what I mean . Of course , Tony would give me up in a New York minute . Then I 'd have Tony and the cops after me . So I wiped my prints off the phone and put it back down . I got out my cell phone and made the call I didn 't want to make . I had been right . Tony was filled with sweetness and light . " That 's alright , Billy boy , as long as you 're okay . Why not come over and tell me all about it ? " I knew that if he ever got his hands on me , I 'd be lucky to hit the streets again with all my fingers . Hell , I 'd be lucky to hit the streets again , period ! No friggin ' way was I gonna walk into his lair , but I told him I was on my way and disconnected . So that you get the full picture here , I 'm gonna have to give you a little background info . The crew I was associated with worked mostly out of Miami Beach . Sure , the mainland entered into a lot of what went down , but we all lived and hung out on Miami Beach . Tony lived at Collins Avenue and 50th Street in the same building that Myer Lansky had lived in for ten years , and was still living in when he died . The building was a massive structure that had been built in the sixties , a real class place if your taste ran to garish and gaudy . My girl , Terry , and I also lived on Collins Avenue , but at 65th Street . Our place was a seedy hotel that had been built in the forties . Threadbare carpet in the halls , and the halls themselves were dark and dank . But we called it home . And for those of you who are not familiar with Miami Beach , it 's a long narrow island separated from the mainland by a body of water known as Biscayne Bay . Collins Avenue runs from the art deco district at the south end of the island to Golden Beach at the north end . The whole mess is eight and a half miles long and no more than a half mile wide . So if one needed to disappear , Miami Beach was probably not the best place to do it . Okay , now back to my shit . The first thing I needed to do was get in touch with Terry and tell her to get the hell out of our room . I knew if Tony couldn 't get his hands on me , he would have no compunction about grabbing her in my stead . No ; actually , the first thing I had to do was get out of that goddamn room . Vinnie was starting to turn ripe , and how did I know some wise - ass hadn 't already called the cops ( anonymously , of course ) . I called Terry as I went down the stairs - no elevators loaded with witnesses for me . By the time I hit the street , I had Terry on the phone . I told her to ask no questions - like women love to do - and pack for the both of us for a few days out of town . " Be out of the room in ten minutes and wait for me in the bar across the street . " She asked no questions , and that is why I love her … that and a few million other reasons . Vinnie had been ensconced in a hotel across from the airport on the mainland . Not that there 's an airport on the Beach , but I 'm trying to be precise here . It should have taken me twenty minutes to get to the bar and to Terry . However , thanks to some damn broken - down piece of shit car on I - 95 , traffic was backed up and moved at a crawl . At the time , I cursed and fulminated about the goddamn traffic , but in hindsight , it was a godsend . It had given me time to think , which is something I had not been doing since I found Vinnie . What I thought about was something Tony had told me . He said only three people knew about the pick - up . Him , Vinnie , and me . But that wasn 't exactly true ; there was a fourth , Johnny Tits . Johnny was a breast man , hence the name . Johnny was Tony 's bodyguard , a Neanderthal masquerading as a human being . He had been in the room when Tony gave me my marching orders . So , I 'm sitting there in traffic thinking maybe Johnny might know who iced Vinnie and where the money disappeared to . I made up my mind to have a little talk with him before departing for parts unknown . But before I could do anything , I had to get Terry to a safe locale . I finally got to the bar , double - parked , ran in , grabbed Terry and our bags , threw a Hamilton on the bar to cover her tab and tip , and got her into the car - all in less than a minute . We drove north on Collins Avenue in silence for a while before Terry turned to me and said , " Okay , when the hell are you planning on letting me know what the fuck 's goin ' on ? " That 's one of the million things I love about her . She can get right to the point with no bullshitting around . Considering that her health , if not her life , was up for grabs , I decided to be magnanimous and answer her query . " I 'm in deep shit , baby . A job Tony gave me went south . There 's three hundred thousand smack - a - roos missing and I 'm the fall guy . " Of course ( and I don 't blame her ) , she wanted to know all the details . So I told her , starting with my finding Vinnie , sans brains , and ending with my epiphany concerning Johnny Tits . When I had finished my narrative , I told her I wanted to talk with Johnny before we left town . That 's when she hit me ( figuratively speaking ) SMACK ! right between the eyes . " What do you mean ' leave town ' ? What are you ? Some kind of pussy ? I 'm not leaving town ! " Blah , blah , blah . I may be a pussy , but I 'm not so much of a pussy as to drag my girl into something that could get her killed . If I couldn 't find out who offed Vinnie and took the money , and she was running around with me , then when ( not if , but when ) the shit hit the fan , she 'd get splattered too . You married guys can relate to this : I said yes to everything she said while thinking how and where to ditch her while I took care of business . As we crossed the causeway to the mainland , she was going on about what we should do first , which was run down Johnny . I love her , but only one of us could wear the pants in the family , and it sure as hell wasn 't gonna be her ! Anyway , I knew of a motor court ( yeah , right out of the 40s ) where I could stash her until I either became her hero or she had to make my funeral arrangements . It was a real dump , and I think they got all their business from guys who lost the kids ' college funds at the track and went there to commit suicide . But it was just what I needed . I could pay cash and not have to show a credit card or ID . Tony 's pretty well connected ; he had more than a few cops in his pocket , and I thought he might have one of them run down my card when I didn 't show up . As Terry will readily tell you , I 'm a fuckin ' liar . If she was hungry , she could order a pizza . I was going to see Johnny . Tony always sent him home at six sharp every night so he , Tony , could have a private dinner with his mother . Johnny lived on a boat across the street from Tony 's place . I knew that and Terry didn 't , so there was no way she could follow me there . And just to make sure I was not bothered by her , I shut my phone off . So it was back to the beach for me . I parked a block away from Johnny 's boat ; I didn 't want anyone who knew me to see my car because by now Tony would have the word out that I was on the lam . And the sycophants that hung around Tony would have loved to make some points with him by bashing me over the head and delivering me to him in a cardboard box . As I approached the boat , I saw Johnny 's car , so I knew he was around . Then I hesitated . What the hell was I thinking ? If Johnny was the one who took down Vinnie , what chance did I have ? I wasn 't even heeled . Then I remembered Terry calling me a pussy , so I squared my shoulders , stood tall , and did the dumbest thing I 'd done in a long time . I knocked on Johnny 's door . I was kind of hoping there wouldn 't be an answer , and there wasn 't . So then I did the second dumbest thing I 'd done in a long time - I tested the door . It was unlocked , and I went inside . The lights were out . Maybe he went for a walk . Yeah , right . Johnny 's not the walking - in - the moonlight type . I 'd never been on his boat before and I didn 't know where the light switch was . Do boats even have light switches ? Maybe he used a kerosene lantern . As I was pondering those weighty questions , I walked further into the boat and tripped over a large obstacle lying in the middle of the floor , or was it a deck , considering I was on a boat . As I lay sprawled on the floor / deck , my eyes became adjusted to the dim light coming in through the door . What I had tripped over was Johnny . Great ! My second dead body of the day . This , I had to ponder , but I couldn 't do it lying on the floor ( I 've decided to call it a floor ) . I got my ass up and looked to my right and saw a lamp on a table . I went over to it and felt for the switch , found it , and got some light in the room . I closed the door , and for the second time that day , sat in a chair and stared at a corpse . I like to read . I 'd rather read than watch TV , and I 'd been reading Raymond Chandler recently . When his hero finds himself in a predicament like the one I was in , he always searched for clues . And he always started with the body . If given my druthers , I 'd like to be with Terry at a fine restaurant , swilling down martinis while waiting for the sumptuous meal we had just ordered . I was getting hungry and I sure as hell could have used a drink right about then . But no one offered me my druthers . So I bent down and gave Johnny the once - over . He was lying face down , and there was a neat little bullet hole at the base of his skull , just above the neck . There was very little blood , which meant that he had died instantly . It looked to be the work of a . 22 , the gun of choice for professional killers . They always go for the back of the head . Next , I turned him over so I could go through his pockets . I found only one thing of interest : He had Vinnie 's pinkie ring in his inside coat pocket . This was significant because if you knew Vinnie , you knew there was no way in hell he 'd give up that ring . I don 't think he would have done so at the point of a gun . It was his pride and joy . He was always flashing it in your face and telling you about the three - carat diamond it housed . After Johnny , I gave the room the once - over . His gun was lying on the table next to the lamp . I picked it up and gave it a sniff . It hadn 't been fired . It was a snub - nose . 38 police special - a revolver . Johnny always said he liked it because it didn 't jam the way automatics are wont to do . ( Of course , Johnny did not use the word wont . ) I don 't know why , but I stuck it in the waistband of my pants and pulled my shirt out to cover it . Actually I do know why . There was a sicko running around killing people I know . I may not like them , but I knew them , and I 'm one step behind him . If I kept blundering around , it would be only a matter of time before I blundered into whoever had iced Vinnie and Johnny . Despite looking for clues , I was clueless . So , I sat back down and thought things over . I 'm not the brightest bulb in the patch , to mix metaphors . But after a couple of minutes , a few things penetrated my thick skull . First of all , it must have been Johnny that did Vinnie ; it 's the only way he could have gotten the ring . And second of all , the money was not on Johnny 's boat and probably never had been . The boat had not been tossed . Whoever killed Johnny came for the hit , not the money . It 's the only thing that explained why Johnny had only one hole in him . If someone wanted the money , they would have put a minimum of one into his knee to loosen him up . You don 't kill someone if they have info you want . And knowing Johnny , he 'd take a lot of loosening up . He was dumb as shit , but he was one tough motherfucker . Johnny knew his killer . It 's the only way someone could get behind him with a gun - he was a pro . And Johnny 's gun was on the table , not in his hand - he knew his killer . I wanted to walk along the water , but of course , the goddamn monstrosities like Tony lived in impeded my ingress onto the beach . Consequently , I walked up and down the sidewalk in front of Tony 's building . After about an hour of that shit , the pieces started to fall into place . It was time to talk to Tony Shivs . Now we come to the crux of the matter . No , not the crux , but another one . I 've been having cruxes throughout this whole goddamn story . This particular crux was that I needed a way to get into Tony 's building without being announced by the security people . But I had a plan . I went back to my car and retrieved a baseball cap . It wasn 't much of a disguise , but it was better than nothing . What with video cameras everywhere nowadays , I thought it prudent not to make it too easy on any law enforcement personnel who , at some future date , might want to know who had visited Tony at nine o ' clock that night . I went back to Tony 's building and walked down the incline into the underground parking garage . The plan was , I would secrete myself behind a car near the door that led into the building ; of course , the door was always locked . And then when an unsuspecting resident went through said door , I 'd jump out before it closed . I would grab the handle and let it close almost , but not quite . I was counting on the person or persons to be too intent on getting up to their abode to notice what the door was up to . And guess what ? It worked like a charm . Okay , now I was in the building . I kept the hat pulled down low , kept my eyes on the carpet before me , and made my way to the elevator , hoping all the while I didn 't meet up with anyone . I didn 't . When I got outside Tony 's door , I took a deep breath and knocked . Now that I knew his mother was out of the way , I drew the gun from beneath my shirt and pointed it at the son - of - a - bitch . " Why don 't you sit down on the couch , you fat , greasy wop . I want to talk to you . " He was moving slow , so I reiterated my demand and told him that , because his building was so well constructed , no one would hear the pop of the gun when I put one into his fat ass . He must have seen something in my eyes because he kind of wilted and meekly sat on the couch . I availed myself of a nearby chair . " Okay , why send me to pick it up ? Vinnie worked for you , he could have just driven it in . You didn 't need me . " " No ! That ain 't it . I thought it would be safer if you brought it in . No one would think that you had that kind of dough on ya . " " Tony , you are full of shit ! I 'll tell you why you sent me there . I was to be your patsy . You are a greedy motherfucker . You didn 't want just your ten percent for placing their money . You wanted the whole shebang . And when they asked what happened , you were going to give them me . And then I 'd be hanging from a meat hook in some freezer until I told them where their money was . Which of course , I couldn 't do . So me and the meat hook would have been closely associated until they went too far and offed me . " At that juncture , Tony 's right hand started to migrate a little bit . I knew he had a gun stashed between the cushions , and I was waiting for him to make his move . I let him get almost there and then I said , " Touch that gun and you 're a dead man . " His hand rebounded as though his arm was made of rubber bands . " Okay ! Okay ! Yeah , I had Johnny take care of Vinnie . Vinnie had to go anyway , he was skimming from me and he thought I was too dumb to notice . " " Yeah , I know , and that 's how you played me . But tell me about Johnny . There 's no way he could have been skimming from you . " Finally , he said , " I can use a smart operator like you . And I don 't mean as a gopher . It will mean a big raise from what I 'm payin ' you now . " " You 're right . I sent him to off Vinnie and take the money . The plan was to hang it on you so the wise guys in Tampa would leave me alone . But I 'm telling you , if I had known how on - the - ball you were , I would have played it different . " " The son - of - a - bitch wanted a cut of the three hundred large . He even hinted he 'd screw the deal if he didn 't get a fair shake . I don 't take that kind of shit from nobody . " It was getting late and I wanted to get out of there before his mother came back . So I thought I 'd bring our little meeting to a close . " Where 's the money now ? " The look on his face was priceless . He had weathered the storm . All he had to do was let me walk out of there with a few bucks and then he could pick up the phone and put a hit out on me . I went to where he indicated and took the lid off the box . There sure was a lot of money staring back at me . I turned back to Tony and said , " I 'll get the money tomorrow ; you give me whatever you think is fair . " Then I looked out his sliding glass doors and said , " You sure got some view , " as I walked behind the couch still looking out the doors . When I got behind Tony , I turned the gun around , and with the grip hit him behind his right ear as hard as I could . He fell over onto the couch , but he wasn 't knocked out , only stunned . Moving fast , I picked up a throw pillow from the couch , placed it on the back of his head , stuck the revolver into the pillow , and squeezed the trigger . What do you know ? It really worked . The shot could not have been heard from outside of the apartment . I went to the kitchen and got a dish rag . I wiped the gun of my prints and threw it on the floor . Then I went to the box , replaced the lid , and tucked it under my arm . At the door , I used the rag to open and close it . I also used the rag for the elevator buttons and the exit door to the garage . Luck was with me because I didn 't see anyone on my way out . When I was back in my car and on my way to Terry , I turned on my phone and called her . She had been trying to call me for a couple hours . The conversation went something like this : Terry : You mean you shut off your phone and didn 't give me the courtesy of letting me know if you were alive or dead ? You son - of - a - bitch ! I never want to see you again . Drop dead ! " It went on like that for a while and then she got real quiet , and I could hear her crying . It made me feel like a heel . But , I 'm happy to report that I have been forgiven . I think the money may have helped a little . We 're in San Francisco as I write these words . We 've just gotten married and we 're going up to Oregon to set up housekeeping . She wants to have lots of kids . If anyone feels so inclined , I 'd appreciate it if you 'd like my Facebook page . You can click on the button on the right side of the page , near to top . Thank you . by Andrew JoyceFebruary 3 , 2017February 5 , 2017 Johnny Donahue was my best friend when I was twelve years old . On Saturday mornings , we would go fishing . Because we would arise at 3 : 00 am and meet shortly thereafter , we called it " going fishing at three in the morning . " This particular Saturday morning when I arrived at Johnny 's house , two of his three brothers were milling about outside . His brother Terry was a year younger than than we were and hung out with us quite a bit , so it was no surprise to see him . But , to see his youngest brother , Matthew , who was only six , was a different story . Before I could ask Johnny what was up , Matt came running up to me and said , " I wanna go fishin ' . " Johnny approached me . " If I try to leave him behind , he 'll just follow us or make such a racket he 'll wake up my parents . " So we bowed to the inevitable and let Matt follow us as we started for the lake . It wasn 't really a lake ; it was what was called a rock pit . A rock pit being a place that was once dry land until a company came along and started dredging gravel , dirt , and muck for development out west near the Everglades . What was left after they had taken as much as possible was a small lake . We were fortunate ; there were two such lakes within blocks of where we lived . They were identical , about a quarter mile long and half as wide . Between them was about a hundred yards of fine , sugary white sand . Our 3 : 00 a . m . fishing routine consisted of me , Johnny , sometimes Terry , our fishing poles , a frying pan , a can of baked beans , and a stick of butter . At sunrise , we would stop fishing , clean our catch , build a fire , and cook the fish we had caught moments before . And of course , coming from good Irish ( Boston ) stock , the beans were always Boston Baked Beans . As a rule , we always fished the north lake . Why , I don 't know . Probably because that 's the lake we swam in and we felt comfortable there . However , this morning we were fishing the south lake , and by the time the sun was fixing to come up , we had caught nothing . Matt may have helped our bad luck along by throwing rocks into the water right where we were fishing . So , we decided to call it a day , or a night , or whatever . It was still dark out when we reeled in our lines and started for home . Johnny , Terry , and I were walking along the shore of the south lake . Matt was somewhere behind us . Or so we thought . There was no need to fret about Matt . We were only blocks from his home , which he knew his way to as well as we did . And there were no " Bad Guys " to worry about . It was 1962 , after all . But with what happened in the next few minutes , it just goes to show you how wrong a guy can be . At this point , it 's still pitch black out , but a gray sky in the east was only minutes away . As we neared the bit of land between the two lakes , we heard a sound , which immediately put us on guard . In those days , our neighborhood was way out in the boondocks , and we had never run into another living soul in all the time we went fishing at three o ' clock in the morning . The sound was a scratching sound , immediately followed by a sound that sounded like plod . Scratch , plod , scratch , plod - it had a kind of rhythm . By then the dawn had broken - barely . It was light enough to see where the sound was coming from . We could make out the silhouettes of two men and a car . The bigger of the two was leaning against the car , arms folded , watching the other man as he dug a hole . Those were the sounds we had heard , the scraping of the shovel as it was thrust into the sand , and the sand as it was heaved onto a slowly growing pile . As we stood there watching this strange sight , it got stranger still . The big guy went to the trunk , opened it , and dragged out a dead body . Or what sure looked like a dead body in the semi - darkness . At the first glimpse of the body , all three of us dropped to the ground . After all , we were the first generation of children raised on television ; we 'd seen enough to know that witnesses always get " rubbed out . " Dead men tell no tales . Johnny and I were right next to each other , with Terry behind us . We lay in that position for about five minutes , wondering what would be the best course of action to take that would not end up with us getting shot . Johnny and I were for staying on the ground and slowly crawling away so as not to be seen . Terry was for jumping up and making a run for it . Well , wouldn 't you know it , little Matthew decided which course of action we should take , and it was none of the above . As we lay there conducting The Great Debate , we saw Matt walking up to the two men from the opposite direction . He must have circumnavigated the lake , and was heading in the general direction of home . The only problem being two bad guys were between him and his home . Because he was so small , and the men so intent on what they were doing , Matt was able to walk right up to the hole still being dug and peer into it . Even from our vantage point , we could see the men react as all reasonable men would react when discovered burying a corpse at six o ' clock in the morning . They nearly jumped out of their skins . After taking a moment to regroup , the bigger of the two , the one not shoveling , grabbed Matt by the arm , and forced - marched him about ten feet before flinging him in the direction of the street . Of course , the little kid stumbled and fell . He sat there looking up at that big bully as the man pointed to the street . You didn 't need to read lips to know the guy was telling Matt to scram . Now , if I may , I 'd like to digress for a moment and tell you about Johnny , Terry , and myself . Johnny and I were good kids . We were altar boys ; we never gave the nuns at school any trouble . We kept our noses clean . Of course , as we got older and joined the Boy Scouts , Johnny made Eagle Scout while I never made it out of Tenderfoot . Johnny went on to become an FBI agent , and I went on to break many , many laws with impunity . But on that morning , we thought alike . Now Terry , on the other hand , was a holy terror . Whenever he hung with us , we could expect to either be reprimanded by someone , or punished by our parents when we got home . All the Donahue boys , except Terry , had red hair and freckles . Terry was different , he was a blond . Come to think of it , he was different in a lot of ways . I tell you these things so you will understand why things turned out as they did . Johnny jumped up and yelled , " My brother ! " and started running in the direction of all the excitement . Because he was my pal , I was two steps behind him , and Terry was a step behind me . We reached the scene of the crime and injected ourselves between Mr . Big and Matt . When he saw us , the big guy laughed , and turned to the guy shoveling . " Hey , Nicky … the cavalry to the rescue . " Nicky , he dropped the shovel , pulled out a gun that he had tucked into his belt , and pointed it at us . At this turn of events , Mr . Big said to Nicky , " Put the fuckin ' gun away , pick up your fuckin ' shovel , and dig the goddamn hole . " I thought Nicky was going to shoot him . I would have if someone spoke to me like that . But Nicky only shrugged , slipped the gun back into his belt , and resumed his spadework . " So , kids , what 's the problem ? " said Mr . Big " Why don 't you be good little tykes and just run along home ? " When we heard that , Johnny and I looked at one another . We knew our troubles were over . All we had to do was walk away , go home , tell our parents , and they could take the appropriate steps to deal with the situation . " Fuckin ' Terry ! " was my only thought at the moment . I don 't know what Johnny was thinking , but by the look on his face , he was thinking along similar lines . With that bit of oratory , Nicky again dropped his shovel and pulled out his gun . Mr . Big stared him down until Nicky meekly put the gun away . But in an act of defiance , he did not resume his shoveling duties . So there we were : four kids , two bad guys , and a corpse . What next ? was probably the only thought going through everyone 's head - except for Matt and Terry . Matt was too young to comprehend the situation , and Terry was just getting warmed up . As we stood there in this Mexican standoff , we heard a groan coming from the corpse . Then the corpse raised itself on one arm and shook its head . Now I 've got to hand it to Mr . Big . If nothing else , he was a fast thinker . I could tell he was just as surprised as the rest of us at the resurrection taking place , probably more so . But without missing a beat , he turned to Terry and said , " You talkin ' about Marty ? He 's no dead body ; he just had too much to drink . " You guessed it . Fuckin ' Terry again . But no one paid any attention to him . Marty was slowly getting to his feet , and all eyes were upon the Lazarus - like spectacle . The only one present who did anything was Nicky . He pulled out his gun again . Mr . Big walked over to him and slapped him on the back of the head . " Not in front of the k - i - d - s . " How old did this guy think we were that we couldn 't spell kids ? But that was cool , if he wanted us stupid , we could be the stupidest sons - of - bitches you ever saw . But unfortunately , we didn 't get a chance to exhibit our acting skills . Just then , Marty said to no one in particular , " You fuckin ' assholes . You tried to kill me ! " " We ain 't done trying yet , " was Nicky 's retort . With that brilliant statement - in front of witnesses nonetheless - Mr . Big lost his cool . He turned to Nicky and shouted , " Alright , just shoot the bastard once and for all . Kill him before I kill you , you sorry sonavabitch ! " Nicky grinned from one end of his face to the other . " Right , boss , " was his reply , just before he raised his gun and put two right in Marty 's head . The rest of those assembled , with the exception of Mr . Big , jumped a foot in the air with the explosion of the first shot . Marty did not take it so well . He was flung back against the car and stared at Nicky for a long moment before he collapsed like a wet dishrag . Us kids were frozen to the piece of earth we each happened to be standing on at the moment the shots were fired . Even Terry couldn 't think of anything stupid to say . As soon as Marty hit the ground , Mr . Big ordered Nicky to pull the body away from the car . Mr . Big got behind the wheel and yelled for Nicky to hurry up and get into the car . Standing at the passenger side window , he asked , " What about the kids ? " We were still rooted to our respective pieces of earth , so we were close enough to hear Mr . Big 's reply . " Nicky , fuck the goddamn kids , fuck Marty , fuck you , and fuck this miserable town ! Get your ass in here or so help me , I 'll blow your fuckin ' head off right where you stand . " With that , Mr . Big pulled out his own gun and pointed it at Nicky 's head . Having his boss point a gun at his head didn 't seem to faze Nicky . Before getting into the car , he turned to Johnny and me and winked . " See ya , kids . " He then got into the car and Mr . Big backed it out onto the street , and drove out of our lives forever . But wait , the story isn 't over quite yet . After our friends had left , we formed a circle around Marty . We stood there looking down at him . He was lying face down in the fine white sand with a small pool of crimson - colored blood forming next to his head . Terry said , " Cool . " Johnny looked like he wanted to throw up . I was paralyzed and Matt was building sand castles . After a few minutes , Johnny said , " Let 's go home . " The walk home was the least eventful part of that entire morning 's fishing expedition , at least until we arrived at Johnny 's house . When we got there , he said , " You guys wait out here . I 'll go in and tell my parents what happened . " A few moments later , we heard a scream , followed by the exclamation , " My babies ! " Within seconds , Mrs . Donahue , wearing an old blue bathrobe and with curlers in her hair , flew through the front door , stooped down , and like a mother hen , enfolded Matt and Terry into her arms . After a few moments and a few sniffles , she stood up and shouted , while pointing at the door , " Get in there , misters , before I beat you ! " After that , there was nothing left for me to do but make my way to my own home . I was hungry ; we hadn 't caught any fish that morning . And , for some reason , we were never again allowed to go fishing at three o ' clock in the morning . by Andrew JoyceNovember 28 , 2013 Georgia was my girl , she was my love . Georgia was taken from me . She is not of this earth now . Georgia awaits me in heaven . Georgia was killed by a drunk driver last spring . Now winter is coming on and the murderer still walks the streets . He has money and a very good lawyer . His trial has been postponed repeatedly . He has money and a good lawyer , but I have my granddaddy 's colt . 45 . I have decided to be judge , jury and executioner . I have waited long enough for justice . I have followed him for the last two weeks . He goes out every night to the clubs . He does not drive now . He has a Cuban drive him in his big fancy car ; the same car that took my Georgia . My Georgia was only nineteen when we met . She was in Miami visiting a friend , and the friend suggested that she see Fort Lauderdale before she went home . I was at the bar in The Elbow Room sitting on my usual stool when they walked in . I don 't believe in love at first sight , but that night I had my doubts . I sat there and looked on as a few guys hit on Georgia and her friend . They all walked away empty - handed . Normally , I wouldn 't have made a move , but something drew me to Georgia . She was full of life . If I could see someone 's aura , I 'm sure hers would have been a light blue , a loving and pure soul she was . To make a long and loving story shorter , I sweet - talked her phone number out of her . At that point , all I wanted to do was to get laid . But that was before I fell in love with my Georgia . I called the the next day . We went sailing on my boat . I told her to bring her friend along so that she would feel safe . The three of us sailed the bay and then ate a picnic lunch on Elliot Key . The sun was setting into the western bay as we sailed back . In a cove off of Dania Beach , we anchored and made love . The sweetest most loving love I have ever known . From that moment on , she was " My Georgia " . She flew home , settled matters and came back to me . We had two years before she was murdered . In those two years , I learned how to love another human being . I learned of tenderness . My Georgia taught me of love . And because of My Georgia , I will kill a man tonight . I see him now . He has his arm around a tall , skinny girl in a silver dress . He weaves as he walks . I hope and pray that he is not too drunk . I want him to know why he is going to die . I step in front of them and tell the girl to hit the road . She hesitates , but when I raise the gun , she finds someplace else to be . Then I turn to the Cuban and say , " This ain 't your fight , and in a minute you won 't have a job . " He hesitates also . So I explain it to him , " In one minute , your boss will be dead . Do you want a piece of what is about to go down ? " I reckon he doesn 't because he shrugs and walks away . I put a bullet into his shocked face . His blood and brains splatter the wall behind him . Then he died . So simple to kill someone . I did it with a gun ; he did it with a car . I thought I would feel better killing the son of a bitch . But you know what ? It does not feel good to kill another human being . Though I am glad that I did it . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

We had an OK weekend . Kind of quiet . I hadn 't felt good the last few days , from lack of sleep , so I rested all day Saturday , slept good that night , so , we went to church Sunday morning instead of our regular Saturday night . Pat & Christine printed up the cards I had asked for . They look nice . Now , when we go somewhere and people try to communicate with husband , I can slip them a card that says , " Thank you for understanding our loved one has Dementia " . This will solve any issues I have learned to deal with in public . Looking at the cards reminded me that this is really happening . It seemed strange . As I was looking at them I thought , " This is MY husband we 're talking about " . Kind of a small punch in the gut . I remember 3 years ago this time . Tish was pregnant with baby Alex , we were looking forward to his birth , I had been laid off from my job and I knew something was wrong with husband . Alex came 3 weeks early , emergency c - section , Jace was in Iraq , so I had to step in and take care of all of them . The whole time there was this nagging thought and a heaviness in my heart . When Alex was born , I clapped , laughed and cried . And there it was again , this feeling , deep down inside of me knew he was sick . Then , one week before Christmas , after working for 30 years as a concrete cutter , being one of the best in town , husband looses his job . I was cooking spaghetti , standing at the stove . He comes in and tells me this news . OK , I thought , the worst happened . I had said earlier in the month that the worst thing that could happen would be if husband lost his job . So , he did . How I wish that were true today . The worst that could happen if he lost his job ? No , my friends , that 's not the worst as I have found out . The worst is when you take husband in for a referral to a Neurologist . Waiting for 3 1 / 2 months for an appointment . Finally , finally , we will get answers . Be careful what you ask for . 4 months later , on a spring day , you get your answer . The nagging feeling inside of you goes away . Replacing it with a pain in your heart that to this day , remains . It hurts . The Dr smiles at you , but not in a good way . They all have one of those smiles . They must 've practiced it in Medical School . He sits you both down , clears his throat and begins with , " I 'm so sorry . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . " Tyler & Susie 's wedding was nice . It was in the downtown courthouse in one of the courtrooms . It was in the new Metro Courthouse . Well , new in I 've never been in that big one before . Susie looked so beautiful , she was glowing . Tyler looked so handsome in his suit . He 's never owned a suit before . I love Susie 's family . Her mother and I have always gotten along . She 's outgoing like I used to be . Her two little sisters are the sweetest . After the ceremony both of them came up to me and said , " We 're related now " . She has a little brother who suffers from a mild form of Autism and another disease I cannot spell . It 's the one where they get upset around other people . If I tried to spell it ya 'll would laugh , so , use your imagination . We then went to Los Quates for the celebratory late lunch / early dinner . I found myself laughing , relaxing . I almost felt like the old me again . Husband seemed happy too . I leaned over to him at one time and said , " Do you remember this place ? " He smiled and said , " I do " . Husband and I , in our dating years , used to go there alot . That was a long time ago , and , they have changed somewhat , but , sitting there yesterday took me back . As we were given our menus , husband seemed to struggle a bit . I know he couldn 't actually read the menu , but sure gave it a good shot . Kristen saw him struggling when I was talking to someone . She leaned across the table and told him what it said . When it came time to order , he proudly showed the waiter what he wanted . He kept his finger on the spot where Kristen had pointed to . His finger seemed glued to that spot . I glanced at him , he looked at me and we both just smiled . It seemed to me he was relieved to have gotten that out of the way . It was such a great day though . Dan , his best friend from high school was there . I had not seen him in a long time . He came up to me , gave me a big bear hug and said he had heard about husband and was so sorry . We were together as a family . I laughed . Husband laughed . We cried , happy cries . We joked . We remembered . We expanded our family . And , just for a few hours , we got to forget about our reality . We got to forget about Frontal Lobe Dementia . We got to forget about this horrific disease that consumes us . Instead , we got to celebrate the union of Tyler & Susie . A fresh new beginning . A new life . Children for them . My throat tightened as I sat back , taking in all of this , remembering when Tyler was born , his growing up years . He 's a man now , with a wife . He will be a father one day . I slept last night . Felt so good to wake up this morning . If husband did any jerking , I certainly didn 't feel it . Woke up once , then back out I went . Still had dreams , only , they weren 't bad ones . Crazy dreams last night . I needed a good nights ' sleep . Husband has this crazy thing for our trash pick up each Friday . He got up early to take the trash out . Usually , one of the kids puts it out . He wanted to do it this morning . When the truck came by , he went outside , stood on the porch and watched them do their thing . Reminded me of when my boys were little and how they would watch from the window . Husband looks forward to Friday mornings and the trash truck . It went well yesterday at the hospital . Only , they did not forward his whole file there . So , when we got to the reception desk to check in , the girl started talking to husband . He looked at her like she was talking a foreign language . I took over , said I would sign for him . She said he had to sing . I told her I was Power of Attorney , I would sign . She just shrugged her shoulders . Once we got in the examine room and the Orthotist came in , he too did not know that husband has this disease . He started talking to him , husband got " the look " , he started fading away from reality . I took over . The Orthotist looked confused . I didn 't want to say anything in front of husband , so , I said that he has motor control issues . Then , this guy had husband walk for him without his cane . As husband was trying to walk , the Orthotist glanced at me . I just nodded my head . He then made casts of husbands legs . Showed us what these braces look like . No metal , they look kind of like boots . Pretty neat . They will go under his pants and into his shoes . Husband seems satisfied about all of this . We go back on the 9th of December to get fitted . All in all , I was pleased . Later yesterday , I was thinking about the visit . When people try to communicate with husband they know something is wrong with him , but can 't put their finger on it . It was hard getting this receptionist to understand that dealing with husband is not an option . I wanted to say to her , " Lady , he can 't understand you anymore . He 's sick , he 's going to die , he can 't remember anything , he can 't talk like you and I can anymore . Leave him alone " . Of course , I didn 't . I just don 't like having to explain things like this to people . I really have to make up these cards for people . You just slip them this card that says , " Thank you for understanding , our loved one has Dementia " . This will solve a lot of questions people have in regards to situations like yesterday . When someone tries to communicate with husband , he will politely listen . I watch his eyes . If he doesn 't understand , his eyes go blank and " the look " takes over . I think it 's the brain trying to understand , but can 't anymore , so it shuts down . Hence , " the look " . He will nod his head , smile , seeming interested in what you have to say . Minutes later , he will ask you the same question . There are some who rear back at him , look at him like he 's stupid and , either change the subject , or , repeat themselves . That 's when I take over . Some people think husband is hard of hearing now too . He 's not . It 's just that his brain can 't compute it anymore . His TV , for instance . He has it real loud . I think he 's trying to compensate for the loss by having the TV loud . He can understand it if it 's loud ? Makes sense to me . It 's funny how much I notice the little things . These little things that all make sense to me . Like putting a nail in the wall in the garage . No reason . Just wants to hammer . Turning his TV loud . Being afraid of going out in public and having to go to the bathroom , number two . Before we go anywhere , he will sit on the toilet for some time , hoping he will go number two . If I want to leave at a certain time , I will tell him that we need to leave 15 minutes later , giving him time to go to the bathroom . Funny how you adapt . It 's just this new " normal " . As I watched him this morning , standing outside watching the trash truck , it broke my heart . He loved watching the barrel being lifted up , turned upside down and put back on the ground . One of the men glanced at him . The look on his face was something like , " hey man , you got a problem ? " I did not sleep well last night at all . Once again , I had bad dreams when I did fall asleep , and husband was restless with his whole body jerking for the better part of the night . I finally fell asleep , only to wake up from another bad dream . Frustrating . I 'm tired this morning , but , have to take husband to the Orthopedic Specialist early for measurements on his braces . Husband seems excited to get these braces . He told me yesterday that once he gets the braces , all will be well with him . Sure will , I say . He was rather quiet yesterday . Puttered around in the garage . I heard some hammering . Went in to see what he was hammering . He was putting a nail in the wall . No reason , just putting a nail in the wall . I didn 't ask any questions . It 's like that . I find him doing the strangest things . I don 't ask him why anymore because he doesn 't know why . He just does it . I did at first . Before , when I would ask him a question , he would try to answer , but the words wouldn 't come . This sudden onslaught of the jerking so much and for so long in the night bother me . No use in calling the Dr . Oh , they 'll call you back , but , all they say is " Mrs Lucero , it 's all part of the disease , his brain is shutting down and short circuiting . He will jerk " . I don 't call the Dr anymore . We have to leave early this morning for the Dr appointment . I have to wake him up . He will be confused as to why I am waking him up . I will have to remind him of his appointment . He will ask me numerous times what time his appointment is . Then , I get to drive in rush hour traffic , with him sitting beside me . He will tell me I am going to hit a car , a car is going to hit us , I am running a red light , ( it 's green guys , trust me ) , I am going to get a ticket for speeding , ( can 't speed in rush hour traffic ) , I drive reckless , I am scaring him , he 's trying to find the brake on his side , he will moan and groan as I 'm driving and look around as if he wants to jump out of the car . Then , as we walk in and the Dr 's receptionist greets us , she will smile and say how was your commute ? " Good " , I say , and , I will smile just as big . I should of been an actress . I am Academy Award material here . Woke up to cloudy skies this morning . Was partly cloudy yesterday , but today looks like real rain . I like the rain . Soothing . It 's pretty cold though . Some of the mountains surrounding us got some snow . Winter is upon us . Here we go . For the next six months or so , no more windows open , put on layers of clothes to stay warm , turn down the thermostat to save on gas , can 't afford a big gas bill , no birds will be singing in the morning . The squirrels are on our block wall in the back yard . They are storing up for the winter . My dog , Bessie , goes crazy as they run across the block wall . She will lay at the sliding glass door and watch for them . When she sees one , she will almost eat through the glass to get at them . Once I let her outside , she will race to the block wall , and , jump in mid - air trying to get at them . The squirrels just look down at her in disgust . The wall is 8 ft high . It 's funny . Winter . There is something about Winter now that makes me think it 's kind of like having a husband with a terminal illness . The trees loose their leaves . The birds no longer come out . It gets dark early . The roads can get snow packed and icy . We wear a lot more clothes . Our houses are closed up against the cold . And yet , life goes on . We still go to the grocery store . We still go to church . Most people still go to work . It 's just . . . . . . . different . When husband is gone , I will still go to the grocery store . I will still go to church . I will still leave my house . Whether it be in shorts or warm clothes . All that 's changed is the temperature . Same as with husband being gone . Instead of taking husband with me , I will go alone . There will be no more repeating myself , no more husband wandering the store , no more sleepless nights as husband jerks and chokes , no more watching husband as he descends into the World of Dementia . Instead of Mr & Mrs , it will be Mrs , with a pause , then added , Widow . But life will continue on . Just like in Winter . It doesn 't matter if it 's freezing outside . Life has to continue . It doesn 't matter if husband has passed on . My life will continue . It will be just . . . . . . . . . different . You get to , at the end of the day , sit back , try to relax , be glad your husband is asleep finally , review your day , wonder how long this can go on , watch a little TV , go to bed and watch as your husband jerks . All . Night . Long . You get to lower your shoulders , feeling defeated , start in with your answers . Answers that don 't make sense anymore to your husband . You get to , when your husband looks at you with fear in his eyes , smile , tell him he 's fine and prepare yourself for this new day . Welcome to my world ! ! I had an OK weekend . Went to a baby shower on Saturday , then off to church Saturday evening . Sunday , I made a brisket , Tyler & Susie came to eat . Haven 't seen them in awhile . Pat & Christine stopped by too . Tyler & Susie are getting married this Friday . I am happy for them . They are looking for a house to buy . They want to get out of their apartment before their lease is up in January . They make a good pair . Husband has been so so . We have had alot of memory issues this weekend . Jack took him to his dad 's house Saturday . I had told him all week that I was going to a baby shower on Saturday but , would be home in time to go to church . When they left Saturday morning , I once again told him where I was going . While I was at the baby shower , he started blowing up my phone . When I didn 't answer , he called Kristens ' phone . Jack helpd him dial Kristens ' number . He doesn 't know how anymore . Once I got him on the line , he was in a panic , asking me where I was . I told him I was at the baby shower , remember ? He said , " Well , you never told me about any baby shower " . So , of course I just had to agree with him . Easier . When I got off the phone , everyone was looking at me . They all know what 's happening here , so it wasn 't hard for them to get what had just happened . The look on their faces said enough . It was pitiful . They just hung their heads . I said , " OK , so what were you saying ? " They all seemed to relax a little . When I left , they all hugged me a little tighter than usual . Some of them said , " God Bless You " . Husband does not like it when I leave . I suppose I am his security now , and when I 'm gone , he feels lost . I do everything for him , including his thinking . I told him that he has an appointment on Thursday to get measured for his braces . We talked about it alot . Saturday , he asks me when are we ever going to hear from the Physical Therapist about going in to get braces ? I always have to stop for a moment , look into his eyes , see that blank look , that haunting blank look , then , I answer him as if it 's the first time . I am trying not to say to him , " remember ? " because , he doesn 't remember . It 's just habit to say that , but , for a person suffering from Dementia , no , they don 't remember . I have to remind myself of that all the time . Tyler said to me yesterday , " Mom , he 's gotten bad " . You think ? " Is he like this all the time now ? " I told him no , but , alot of the time . He looked so sad . I told Tyler to just go with it . Often , during the afternoon when they were here , I heard Tyler repeat himself over and over to husband . Tyler looked a little tired when they left . Ha , welcome to my world . So , a new week has begun . Another day . Days of memory losses , days of watching husband attempt to walk . Days of watching husband stumble . Some days of watching husband falling over his own two feet . Days of looking at my husband eyes , and see the life drained out of them . In the beginning of each day , in the quiet of my home , I now give thanks for everything to God . Only He can carry me through this . It 's all I have . Hope in Christ . I am learning not to be anxious in anything . Just let if happen , because it 's going to happen anyway . I 'm learning and listening . I hope I do Him and husband proud . Got the call for husband 's braces late Thursday . Have to take him in next Thursday for fittings and measurements . She said it could be up to 3 weeks before they come in . I don 't know if orthopedic shoes come with the braces or I have to purchase them separately . I am hoping they come with . Those shoes are very expensive and I don 't have money for them . We went to our couples group last night . It was nice . I like the other couples there . We fit in . I also joined a grief group on Thursday night . It 's called Grief Share . Some of those people have gone through the most horrific of situations . Yet , they are here , surviving . One of them just lost her baby at 9 months pregnant . He died in utero . One of them had a son lost to suicide . The stories they told . One woman lost her entire family except for her son to a car accident . Awful , awful stories . But , there they were , telling these stories , and still breathing . One woman lost her husband to a heart attack . She said to me , " I don 't know which is worse . Mine so suddenly , or yours , watching him suffer " . She 's right . What 's worse ? Afterward , I was thinking that husband may still be here , but , the man I know is gone , forever . I don 't have a husband . I have another child . The man I fell in love with is no longer here . He may look like him , but it 's not him . I do everything . I make all the decisions , pay bills , make Dr appointments , budget . It 's all on me . All of it . I might as well be alone . And , I am , in a way . Maybe this is God 's way of preparing me for the future , when I really will be alone . The transistion may not be as hard as some think . We are off to a good start to the weekend . I hope it 's a good one . I hate going to that Dark Place . When it happens , I feel so helpless . I don 't feel strong then . I feel scared and alone . I don 't show it , but my insides quiver . Another day dawning . Quite chilly this morning . On the home front , all is stable . Of course , husband is not awake yet , so , it 's quiet and comfy here , for now . Husband was quiet yesterday . No sudden outbursts , no going to that Dark Place . Didn 't like what I made for dinner but , ate it anyway . After dinner , he went to bed . Didn 't go to sleep , just watched TV . Was still very quiet . Now , that can mean anything . Most of the time , after he has gone to that Dark Place , he gets very quiet afterwards . I am learning what all these symptoms mean , what to look for . Everyday there is something new to watch out for . Tonight , I go to my first meeting with this new support group . It 's at the church . It 's for people like me who are losing a spouse or have already lost one . This will be good for me . Husband said he wants to go with me . Uh , no . I told him it 's a Womens ' Group , no men allowed . If I told him what it 's really for , he would get very upset . I have learned what to tell him and what not to tell him . As my day begins , I don 't know what it holds for me . My day always starts out quiet and calm . Everything I do depends on where husband is in this disease . Everything . If he is stable , then , great . If he is not , then , not so great . I have learned to just roll with the punches . Or , at least I am learning . Everyday is a learning experience for me . As it should be for everyone . My learning experience is interesting . I get to learn what it 's like to watch your husband lose his mind and eventually , within 18 months , die . Yay for me . The Physical Therapist called yesterday . Seems husband doesn 't have to go to see the Orthotist . She conferred with this Ortotist and it was agreed upon both Dr 's that husband does indeed need leg braces . All I had to do was call Dr A 's office so he could write a prescription for them . Waiting to hear back from Dr A . That shouldn 't take long , so , soon , I hope , husband will be able to walk a little better . For now at least . Husband seemed excited about it . Couldn 't stop talking about it . As the afternoon turned into evening , he got a little confused . He asked me if it was going to be longer than 6 months . For the braces , I said ? No , it should only be a matter of weeks , I suppose . He then asked me what they looked like . I don 't know , I said . Followed by when can we go to pick them up ? As soon as we hear from someone , I say . When will that be , he asks ? And on and on . Guess you get the picture as to what my evening was like last night . Later on , he came and as serious as can be , said , " You know , I 'm worried about the birds " . " Why ? " I ask . " Because , you don 't cover them at night and I 'm afraid they are going to die " . I looked at the birds , they were covered , I covered them . So , I say , " They 're covered , I covered them " . " No , you need to cover them , they will die " , he says . This went on for a few minutes . Finally , firmly , I say to him , " THE BIRDS ARE COVERED " . He says , " I 'm going to bed , I don 't want to fight with you , but you need to cover the birds " . " OK , I will do that right now " , I say . With that , he seemed satisfied , but mumbles all the way down the hallway , saying , " she needs to cover the birds " . He went to that Dark Place . That place where I don 't like to go . That place is scary , heartbreaking , confusing and painful . It can rattle even the most sane person . He seems OK this morning . Has asked me what I 'm doing today . What are my plans . My plans ? All depends on where his mind is , I want to say . He 's got " the look " today . That haunting , blank look in his eyes . It may be a rough day . Ugh . Times like these are becoming more frequent . More often . I did my heavy grocery shopping yesterday morning . Husband loves going with me . I do not like taking him with me . I had a basket , but , he wanted one too . So , he pushed around an empty basket . Pushing a basket helps him keep his balance . At the very end , husband wandered off and got lost . As I sat there at the front of the store , looking for him , it reminded me of when the kids were little and I lost Patrick in the store . Someone paged they had a little lost boy . Of course it was Patrick . Sitting there thinking back to all those years ago , I didn 't panic . I suddenly got sad . Here I am , thinking I should go to the front desk and ask them to page my husband , who is lost and wandering somewhere . Then , I would probably have to explain why he is lost and I just didn 't want to do that . Then , there he is . He had been wandering outside , looking for me . He seemed a little shaken , a little nervous as to what just happened to him . I had one more stop to make , a quick run in to Costco . He stayed in the car . As I was going through Costco , I imagined him wandering the parking lot . I hurried as fast as I could . I was walking towards the car , making sure husband was still there . He was . His head was bent as if in prayer . But , he wasn 't praying . He looked like a beaten man . When he glanced up , I could see the look in his eyes . It was one of fear and sadness . Later , he was in the garage , just wandering . Doing nothing . I think he goes in there , just to look at all of his tools . I never say anything to him about that . We didn 't talk about what happened at the grocery store either . Why ? No good will come of it . I just have to keep an eye on him now . Like a child . The next phase is starting . What do I do from here on ? I have to go with the flow . My life is now centered around the many faces of Dementia . I do what I do . I never know if it 's right or wrong . I just do it . Today I am hoping will be a good day for husband . He will be home where he can 't get lost . If he gets confused , he won 't have far to go . I have to watch him now , like a litle boy lost . It 's like that now , you know ? Jack & husband spent the day at grandpas ' house . Father in law is proud of Jack ( his namesake ) . He told him how happy he was for his choice in going into the Air Force . They talked , laughed and ate . They sat outside on the porch swing . Three generations of men . Husband came home glowing and smiling . Jack said he really enjoyed spending the day with his dad and grandpa . I , on the other hand , spent the day reflecting . It was quiet here in my house . Even the dogs behaved . Last Thursday was my mother 's 94th birthday . I called her to wish her a happy birthday . Normally , I call her every Sunday morning . She got two calls from me this week . She sounds tired now . Hello ? 94 ? I know the day is coming for " the call " from my sister , just not ready for it . Who ever is ? I love my mother . She has her way of doing things different from me . She has her way of talking different from me . She can test even the best . She 's not perfect , but , she 's still my mother . I love her . I will cry when she 's gone . I will miss those Sunday morning calls . Sometimes , in my darkest of days , I think what will I do when my mother and husband are gone ? Both of them , gone . How will I breathe ? How will I walk ? How will I live ? Who does this ? How do they survive ? I don 't know , but , one day , I will walk that path . I will breathe , I will walk , I will live . Who knows , there may be someone out there who will one day go down the same path as I am today . Someone that will reach out to me , someone that I can help . Someone I can be a witness to . Someone I can guide through this hell . I hope so . Not that I wish this on anyone , but , I am going through this for a reason . If it means I have to go through this to help someone else , then so be it . When you run a marathon , you have to have a trainer . You have to be fit for that kind of endurance . God is my trainer now . I 'm not fit yet , but if I keep listening to Him , I can do it . We are having the most beautiful weather . Warm during the day , very cool at night and early morning . Not a cloud in sight . This weather reminds me of my life now . The cold is coming . The freeze is coming . The snow will arrive . The winds will take your breathe away . I don 't know when husband will go to that dark place again . Just like I don 't know when the cold will hit . All I know is that it 's coming . Today , I will rejoice in what we have , or , what 's left of us . My family has been broken by this disease . We don 't say it , we live it . It has affected us in ways I didn 't know possible . Some family members prefer to stay away , some grow closer to us . They cannot recognize that husband is dying . They cannot accept he will no longer be with us . So , they stay away . It 's their way of coping . They have to do what they think is best . God showed me yesterday just how much He loves me . He showed me that I will have a life after husband . He showed me that life will be good . He showed me that I will be OK . Not only in words , but , in this beautiful weather we are having . I like to think that He prescribed this weather for me and me only . He loves me . Oh , what a week it 's been . I can honestly say this has been the most troubling weeks ever . Husband seemed OK on Monday . Monday night , he took a nose dive into the Land of Dementia . It was a downward spiral that happened so fast , it left us all rattled . There is no warning , no suttle changes , no nothing . He went from quietly watching TV , then , no warning , he began talking about money , how I was hoarding all the money ( don 't I wish ) , he knows I have it all stashed somewhere ( don 't I wish , again ) , and , he demanded $ 100 , right now . I immediately knew he had " crashed " , so I quietly told him I have no money , the money is in the bank , well , what 's left of the money . I then told him to go lay down , relax . He was having none of it . Said he was going down to the bank in the morning to get all " his " money . Of course , it left me rattled . How can you go from being so calm to this , I asked myself ? Then , I remembered through my research on this , once the brain starts to die off , there will be sudden short circuits . When these occur , it means that a portion of the brain has been destroyed , therefore , leaving what 's left in sort of a state of shock . Thus , it will short circut . Eventually , it adjusts , until it hits again . The rest of the week was spent watching him closely . He had his moments of complete utter confusion . Lost his cane , eventually found it , wanderded in the garage alot , couldn 't find him one time . Then , I looked out the sliding door to the backyard , and there he was , sitting on the patio , looking around as if to say , " Where am I ? " Told him to come in and , at first , he didn 't even recognize me . That scared me . He did come in , then went to sleep . I hit a wall by Thursday . Yesterday was not a good day . I felt so alone , lost and sad . I can 't let that happen . I have to be the everything . I went to the pharmacy the other day and , as I was driving , I was looking at houses , wishing I lived in their house . They looked so perfect . Anywhere but here , Lord , I said . Knowing full well that everyone has a cross to bear . Then , I lI can 't escape . This is my life whether I like it or not . Who could like this ? Who would want my life ? Folks , be glad you 're not me . I 'm not even glad I 'm me . " This too shall pass " . Of course I know that verse . It doesn 't make it easier for me in this moment . Today I will clean house , do laundry , all the things that I normally do . All the while thinking , " Anywhere but here , Lord . " Just give me a moment to catch my breath . We were walking through dirt and ash . Husband was well , walking like he used to . As we were walking , I was crying . My children were dead , my grandchildren were dead , my mother , sisters and brothers . Everyone was gone except husband and I . Then we learned that a nuclear bomb was going to go off at any minute . Only two would be spared , but , we did not know which two . I was so scared that I was going to die that all I could do was cry . Walking toward this metal building that was the only thing left standing on earth is where they housed this bomb . We all had to walk towards this building . I don 't know why . I don 't want to dream like that again . Ever . The feelings I felt in this dream were so real I can feel them now . It has made me sick to my stomach . Husband seemed more stable as the day wore on yesterday . Last night was rather pleasant . At our church , they have a ministry called The Pit Stop . Members meet at the church every 3rd Saturday of each month . There , people who cannot afford car repairs will come , and the team will fix their cars for free . These men are mechanics or just very good at mechanics . Husband was very good at mechanics in his healthier days . So , he got one of the leaders of this group aside yesterday and volunteered for this service . Now , husband cannot walk anymore , his mind is gone , but his heart was in the right place . He told Dave he has tools galore . Bless Dave . He glanced at me , and , not missing a beat said , " Well , Leon , we have need of someone passing out tools , could you sit and do that for us ? " Husband got quite excited , said yes . Dave told him to be at the church this Saturday at 7 : 30 AM . He thanked husband for volunteering , saying that they were looking for someone to have this " special position " . Husband is beyond excited . He feels important again . He feels needed and wanted . Said he has to get out one of our camping chairs so he can sit and do his " job " . It is so nice that people accept husband for what he is now . They didn 't know him before , but , welcome him anyway . People at church will stop him and talk with him . They don 't get any sensible answers , but , care for him just the same . I am so thankful for this church . While they can 't cure husband , they sure make him feel welcome and wanted . So , husband will go on Saturday morning . He will pass out tools . He will feel important again . He will smile . He will forget and get confused too . Other 's may have to tell him over and over things he will forget within a few minutes . Husband won 't know the difference . All he will be thinking is he is needed and doing something good . I am feeling better today . After cleaning and a shower , I got into bed and rested . Spent most of the day in bed . Around 7 : 30 , husband got upset that he couldn 't watch " his " TV in the bedroom . So , I got up and came out to the living room to watch a movie with Jack . The chilli I made turned out great . It was really good . Jack ate 3 bowls . We did not make it to church last night . Going to the 11 : 15 services this morning . Husband is up and was worried we wouldn 't go . He worries about even the smallest of things . Husband is still in a place I don 't like . He is irrational and irratating . I know he can 't help it , but , it still . drives . me . nuts . Nothing you say to him will stop this type of behavior . All I can do is get through it . Usually , when he gets this way , I try to avoid him at all costs . If we ignore it , it lessens . If we make a big deal out of it , it gets worse . Husband was talking to a " visitor " in the night . I turned over to " see " who this " person " was , he stopped talking , as if I interrupted him . Didn 't see anything , turned back over and he continued talking . His voice was soft , and there was no mumbling . I understood every word he said . He was telling someone about his Dr visit the other day . He now says he doesn 't remember what he was talking about , but he was talking to " someone " . I hate this disease . I hate what it 's done to him . What it 's done to us . I have to treat him like a child . I hate that . He hates that . When he is somewhat " with it " , he realizes that I am treating him like a child and it makes him angry . He will lash out at me . I didn 't sign up for this . Don 't want it . But have to accept this is my lot in life . I don 't know why . I don 't question that anymore . I do what I have to do . But , don 't expect me to like it . Today , I am frustrated and angry . Angry at everything . I can 't show it , it will upset husband . All I can do is recognize I am angry , work through it , get through another day . Just the mere thought of dealing with him today makes me want to run from my house screaming . But , I won 't . I 'll smile and do what is expected of me . For the past few days I have not been feeling so great . Feel achey , run down . It could be a number of things . My nerves for one . Or , the sudden drop in temperature . It rained all day yesterday , cold and damp . I cannot seem to warm up . I attempt to do something , but the aches start . I put some beans in the slow cooker last night . Going to make chilli . Let 's hope the other ingredients get in there . Even as I type this , my hands ache . All I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep . I do not like it when I get sick . Husband drives me crazy when I do . If I ever do go back to bed , which is rare , he will constantly come in and ask me questions . It 's like he 's scared something will happen to me and who will take care of him . Husband has not been in a good mood since late yesterday morning . Grouchy , and wanted to argue with me all day yesterday . He was in such a good mood yesterday morning , but all that changed . I just never know when he is going to take a turn for the worse . It happens so suddenly , even after all this time , it still takes me by surprise . And I don 't like it . He is quiet this morning , but all that can change with the drop of the hat . I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop with him . He is angry for some reason . It could be the result of him going to see the Physical Therapist , and discussing his disease . He does not like to talk about it at all . Likes to say there is nothing wrong with him . Don 't know what today will bring . I need some rest , but know he will not let me have rest . I will have to ignore whatever is wrong with me , to care for him . That 's the way it is now . Will make myself a cup of tea , clean my house , take a hot shower and try to get a nap . There is no time for me to get sick . We run on his time now . If he 's good , we are good . If he 's bad , we suffer . Like it or not . I took husband to see a Physical Therapist yesterday . Am I glad we went . She examined him , put a Gait Belt on him , walked around a track , conferred with another specialist , then , came to talk to me . She told me that his toes are curling inward , the ankles do not move anymore . The knees , when he attempts to walk , have spastic movements , then lock . She said the reason for all the falling down is that his toes don 't lay flat , the ankles are locked up and the knees are very spastic , so , he falls . When he tries to bend his knees , they become spastic . She wants him to see an Orthotist and , together , they will devise a plan to aid in his walking , for now . She did suggest leg braces to wear during the day . She said they would be most helpful . It 's a good thing Susie ( Tyler 's fiance ) works there . Otherwise the waiting list to get in to see a Physical Therapist is 6 months . We got in in 1 month . Susie pulled some strings , that 's for sure . The Physical Therapist laughed about that , said yes , it pays to know people , but , she said , husband 's condition warranted him to be seen ASAP . The thought of braces makes sense . She said they use them for people with Cerebral Palsy alot . Husband has some of the same issues as someone affected with CP . The only difference is , his condition continues to get worse . When the other specialist was examining husband , she was asking him to do the simpliest movements . " The look " is back , so he didn 't understand what she was saying . Then Debbie ( our PT ) whispered and said , " Frontal Lobe Dementia , talk to the wife " . Guess it dawned on her there was something wrong , she just didn 't know what . On the way home all he talked about was how they were going to " cure " him . Didn 't see that one coming . My brain screamed " WHAT ? " , while my heart broke . When we got home , Tish had called , so I called her back . He wanted me to tell her that they had found a " cure " for his walking , that he was going to get braces and everything is going to be fine now . Of course I didn 't . Last night , as I got into bed he started in talking about it again . What do you say ? How do you react ? Good thing it was dark , didn 't want him to see my face . So , I did what I thought was right and agreed with him . What 's it going to hurt ? If he wants to think that , then so be it . If that makes him happy , I can go along with it . Let them " cure " him , I thought . Today will be a good day , as husband thinks he 's been " cured " . And I will go along with that . He 's smiling today and playing with the dogs . Sgt V called Jack yesterday . Because of Jack 's high score on his ASFAB , he was able to pick what he wanted to do from a very large list . His first choice was Aero Jet Maintenance . He got it . He will head up the crews on the job . He will travel the world . The world is waiting for him . He will be a fine , solid young man . To me , he will always be my baby . The last one . The little surprise when I took the pregnancy test , in a joking manner and it said , " pregnant " . What ? Nine months later on a hot August afternoon , I met my Jack . Bouncing baby boy to say the least . 9 lbs 7 ozs . He was the talk of the maternity ward . They kept him in the nursery for quite a while . When I asked what was taking so long , the nurse said , " he 's ordering a green chille cheeseburger " . They had to go to Pediatrics to get bigger diapers . The smaller ones were cutting into his legs . So big , so beautiful and so so precious . He will be leaving in Sept 2012 . One month after his 18th birthday . That 's it , it 's written in stone with the US Air Force . Final . Be still my heart . This is great news . I am so excited for him . The world at his fingertips . I just wish it were under different circumstances . His dad is dying . He may not ever see him again . How this will affect husband , I don 't know . I hope he is alive still when the time comes for Jack to leave . He may not even know he 's gone . Who knows . When we told husband last night , " the look " was back . Eyes glazed over , that blank , haunting look . Ugly . He smiled and said how great that was . But , I could tell he didn 't understand the whole concept . I know this morning he will ask me questions about it , because he won 't remember last night . So , I will tell him over and over today what Jack will be doing , when Jack will be leaving . It just won 't make sense to him anymore . My life as I know it will change . I can feel it already . There is a new life waiting for me , a different kind of life I have never known . No kids , no husband . Will I like this new life ? Tish said one time , " Maybe you 'll meet someone , Mom " . No , no thank you . Been there , done that . So , on to the next chapter of my life . I don 't know where it 'll take me . The memories of husband will be enough to sustain me . I loved and was loved . I was the lucky one . It poured rain all day yesterday . Very chilly . I started out with all the doors and windows open . Slowly , throughout the day , windows were closing , windows on the storm door was closed , my capris turned into long pants , socks were added and , finally , a sweater . When I went to bed , it was still raining , so I fell asleep to the soud of rain . Peaceful . Husband seems OK . Was confused several times yesterday . A little on the grumpy side . I had some split pea soup for dinner . He liked that . Seemed quiet but relaxed by dinner time . His legs are getting very stiff . He had alot of difficulty getting from the bed to the bathroom last night . His legs looked like two boards trying to bend . It 's pitiful watching him attempt to walk normal anymore . You can see the struggle on his face . When he stumbles , he always makes an excuse as to why he stumbled . Says the carpet wrinkled up , the dog made him stumble , he couldn 't see because it was dark , someone got in his way , and so on . I don 't say anything , just let him vent . I don 't believe he has accepted he has this disease . There is still a struggle going on inside him . Who can blame him ? It might be easier when he gets so far gone . He won 't know anything anymore . Therefore , he won 't fight it as he does now . Then , I feel guilty for feeling this way . How can I " look forward " to him not remembering anything anymore ? What kind of a person am I ? I have to shake myself when I get these feelings of guilt . It 's not that I want him to die , I just don 't want him to suffer anymore . Is that OK to feel this way ? Don 't know , but it 's the way I feel . Last night , husband fell asleep early , Jack fell asleep early , Kristen was at work . I sat here alone , watching TV . I felt alone . It was not a good feeling . Then , I started thinking , ( not a good thing for me ) , one day I will be alone . I will watch TV alone , eat alone , live alone . Can I do this ? Or , should I move with Tish & Jace ? Still so many unanswered questions for me . When I got up this morning , the questions came at me again . In a weird place today . Gonna have to let time take care of itself . Husband has remained the same . Lots of confusion . He was wandering again in the night . On Sunday , I called in his Rx for the anti - seizure med . He followed me all of Sunday , reminding me to pick up his meds Monday morning . As soon as he got up yesterday , he was once again reminding me I had to go get his meds . I left him at home with Kristen . Because it 's a controlled substance , I can 't pick it up at the UNM Pharmacy near my home . Have to go to the main hospital pharmacy . That place is a zoo . When I got there , the parking lot was full . As I got inside , it was standing room only . I took a numbered ticket , looked at my number , looked at the board to see what numbers were being called . They were on 557 and my number was 594 . Lovely . At least I was alone . Didn 't have to answer questions to anyone . I savored the time , not talking , and just observed all the crazy people there . I sat next to a lady who did nothing but swing her legs and say , " shit " , over and over . So , for 40 minutes or so , I meditated to the sound of " shit " . Actually , it was OK because I got to be alone . Since husband doesn 't have to remind me of his meds anymore , he has been a little better . The eyes are blank . Empty looking . When I was cooking dinner last night , he stood right by me , watching my every move . I finally told him to leave the kitchen and he got mad . Real mad . Shuffled off to the bedroom where he pouted for a few minutes , then , came back and hovered around me again . I felt like I was being suffocated . These times are really hard on me . I sometimes don 't know if I 'm coming or going . I hate this . Today I am hoping I can take him to his dad 's . That gives me some alone time that I crave . We go on Thursday to Physical Therapy . Let 's hope they give him the four pronged cane he needs . Or , decide a walker would be best . I have noticed his left arm is starting to look spastic . He almost fell at church Sunday . Kristen caught him before he fell . He was very upset about that . It must be so frustrating for him . I feel so bad for him . I see him struggling to walk " normal " like the rest of us and it breaks my heart . He looks pitiful . People stare at him . He sees them , I see them . The look they give him hurts me , for him . One day I will say something to those who judge him by the way he walks . He was once a fantastic husband , a doting father . An avid fisherman , hunter and loved nothing better than to go to the mountains . What he is now is awful . It 's all I have left of him . So here 's to a new day . A day filled with many questions , frustrations and confusion . Ready , set , go . Not much news around here this morning . Yesterday was heavy house cleaning . My house sparkles . Made an early dinner then off to church . I decided not to continue with the Support Group I joined earlier this summer . There is a small group at church that meets at a house every Friday . In this group , there are people who are struggling with finances and everyday living . Jackie and her husband ( I forgot his name ) head this group are very nice and down to earth . I believe I will fit in better with this group . Husband will go with me , as it is a couples support group . There is also another group at church that is for people who have lost or are losing a loved one . That one meets every Thursday night . I am going to check that one out as well . Jackie told me about this group , said I would benefit from this . Husband has stayed pretty much the same for the last few days . He can always sense that he has pretty much worn me out . Seems like he backs off . The questions continue to come , I repeat myself over and over , he does things that rattle me and , just when I get to stroke level , he will back off a bit . Funny how he can sense that he has taken me to the brink . Maybe it 's because he realizes what he has done ? I don 't know . Woke up in the middle of the night . Husband was not in bed . Was wandering around in the house . He came back to bed and fell asleep . I started to think about all the what if 's . What if he went outside and got lost ? What if he started driving ? How can I lock him in the house ? His mother used to wander . She would take her clothes off , then go walking in the neighborhood . My father in law would be called at work , have to leave work and go find her . Until he brought someone in to stay with her during the day , this happened alot . I remember that . Is it starting ? Will I wake up one morning , finding him gone ? What do I do ? I gave up and at 6 : 30 got up and made an espresso , still thinking . Husband got up with me . He is quiet this morning , maybe he is thinking too . Maybe it scared him too . I won 't bring it up , it will only upset him . These are the days of my life now . I am always comparing him to his mother lately . Maybe because when I came into the picture , she was in the last stages . She couldn 't walk anymore , memory was poor at it 's best . Husband would sit with her on Saturdays so father in law could work . He would come home and tell me about his day with her . He would be upset that his mother had turned into a helpless child . And , I remembered what he said towards the end of her life . He had a particular hard time with her that day . She did not know him anymore , kept asking him to leave , as her husband would be home soon and she needed to " straighten up " the house . Husband told her he was her son , " Mom , it 's Leon " , he told her . There was not a hint of recollection in her face . When he came home , after tellI often think back to that day . He did get it . He 's like her now . And , he knows he will die . He isn 't that far gone . . . . . . . . yet . He will be , soon enough . There 's one thing I will not do . I will not take him in the backyard and shoot him in the head . This rather " normal " period we were having has come to an end . Husband started to decline on Thursday . Makes me sad . Husband has been so lost . By yesterday morning , he didn 't know if he was coming or going . I had to run errands yesterday morning . Bank , Pharmacy , WalMart , Petco and Costco . All just for a few things at each store . Said I would be gone for a few hours . I needed this time alone . He would only be able to make it through 1 store , so that would mean I 'd have to leave him in the car while I did the rest of the shopping . I am not a shopper . I go in , get what I need and leave . But to leave him in the car is not good . So , I told him to stay home and I 'd hurry . From 6 : 30 AM to 7 : 45 AM yesterday morning , I told him 5 times where I was going . By the time I took Jack to school , I was frustrated from repeating myself . I told him I 'd be right back , eat breakfast , then leave around 9 : 00 AM . When I pulled in the driveway after taking Jack , he came out of the house , trying to walk fast , almost falling in the process and got on the passenger side of the car . I rolled down the window , thinking something bad happened . I say , " what 's wrong ? " " Nothing " , he says , " Where is all the stuff from Costco ? " I take a deep breath , " Honey , I took Jack to school , remember ? I 'm not going until after 9 . " " But , you said you were going to Costco . " Ugh . That 's how my day yesterday started . I mentioned earlier this week that the garbage disposal had plugged . I was still having issues all week . Got some Liquid Plumber . When I got home , I poured some down the drain . All the while , husband was telling me it wouldn 't work . And silly me , I am trying to explain to him how it would work . Don 't ever try this at home folks . It could be damaging to your mental health . After about 15 minutes , the clog was clear . He looks at the drain , all clear , picks up the container of Liquid Plumber and declares it a miracle . He then goes to Kristen , telling her all about this miracle stuff that healed the garbage disposal . She looked at me with such sadness , I looked at her sternly , giving her that look that said , " just go along with it . " What an actress she is . She smiled and told him how wonderful that was . As she was helping me put away things , there were tears running down her face . It always affects the kids this way . OK , bring it on . I am ready for it . I don 't like it , but , here it is . Cherish what once was , deal with what I have left . Please join me as I care for my husband who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness called Early Onset Familial Alzheimer 's Disease . A very rare form of Alzheimer 's , inherited on his Mothers ' side of the family . All other family members died by age 47 . My husband is 46 . Join me won 't you , as I travel this road that will leave me a Widow . Laugh with me , cry with me .

New short story coming soon Posted on February 17 , 2014 by jsassychriselda I have a few short stories that need editing then I can post them and hopefully get more written . Share this : FacebookPrintEmailLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Useful Writting Links | Finding A Family Ancestor Posted on June 29 , 2014 by jsassychriselda Walking around the well manicured grounds of the large plantation that she was visiting . As she walked the grounds she hoped that the visions she always get when she visits places don 't start , she just wanted to visit places and not have them . Coming up on where the slave quarters were sitting , as she stepped closer she could see the slaves gathered around fires cooking . Children playing simple games of chase laughing and giggling as they did . She could tell that these slaves were healthy , happy and seem to be well cared for . But as quickly as the vision came it left the minute she left the area of the quarters . Shaking her head the young woman made her way over to the path that lead up to the large man house . Making her way up the main path Sarah looked at the trees and flowers that were planted all along the path . Reaching the steps that lead to the porch she stopped and looked up at the white washed house with its green shutters . A image of how the house looked in its prime came to her , oh to have lived in such luxury must have been so nice she muttered to herself . Climbing the steps a vision suddenly came to her . & Miss Sarah , Miss Sarah you best come on your pa will be mad if your not ready to greet your guests . & A voice of what had to be a young girl called out to her . & I 'm coming ' & she called out and quickly climbed the steps to the house feeling the skirts moving around her legs as she climbed the stairs and went into the house . Hurrying through the entryway to the stairs and started to ascend them to the second floor where the bedroom are . Moving down the wide hallway with paintings along on the wall that showed the house in different stages of being build and the plantations growth over the years , small tables along the hall that held vases of flowers and trinket boxes . It was like she knew everything in the hall like she had grown up with them in the places that they were in . Opening the door to a room and stepping into it she saw the lace curtains that covered the one window in the room that was across from the hallway door , and the glass doors that lead to the balcony sway in the light breeze that came through them as they sat ajar to let in the smell of the spring flowers from the gardens below . There was a large dresser with carvings on the drawers that stood on the same wall as the rooms only window . There was a large poster bed that sat in the middle of the room with the headboard pushed up against the wall adjacent to the window . Standing in the doorway the room felt as if it was her room since she was a child but she knew she had never been here before . The vision she was seeing playing like a movie in her head , she watched a young woman that looked just like her move about the room . Moving towards the bed and knelt next to the side of it closest to the door and reached under it . Feeling around under it till she felt something like an opening it . Reaching into the hole with a little effort Sarah was able to feeling around in the hole and grab what felt like a box or something that had been hidden in it and pulled it out . Sitting up and leaning back against the bed side the young woman held the item she had found close as she waited for the vision that lead her to the find to pass . Sometimes it didn 't take to long for them to pass other times it seem to take forever for them to pass depending on the strength of the vision . Sitting back holding the item close while slowly the room she was seeing started to fade and clear back into the room that it had been restored to . Standing on shaky legs Sarah moved to the door clutching the item to her chest as she moved . Moving at a slow and steady pace she made her way back down the hall towards the stairs in the back of the house . It seem to take forever to reach the back of the house to find another way out . Finding the backdoor of the house and finally stepping outside and taking a deep breath Sarah felt stronger . Looking around to see if anyone saw her leave with the item she found before making her way across the manicured lawn to the gravel parking lot . Quickly getting into her car and set the wrapped item on the seat next to her , and started the car . Pulling out of the lot and headed the short distance to her hotel . Closing the door to her room behind her and securing it , then made sure the curtains were closed tight before sitting on the bed with her find . Gently removing the cloth around the item she revealed a dark carved wooden box . Opening the box she carefully pulled out each item that was inside looking them over before setting them beside her on the bed . Setting the box aside she looked over everything that was on the bed . Finally she picked up the locked turning it over in her hand , this time she noticed that part of it was off center like a tiny hinge was broken . As careful as she could she worked the locket open to reveal two small pictures inside , one was of a small child the other was of a young man in some sort of uniform . Turning the open locket over in her hand she noticed that it had something engraved on the back . Moving closer to the bedside table she turned on th & I 'm here , & The older lady said as she came to the table where the younger woman sat . & What 's wrong child ? & She looked over what her great great great granddaughter had laid out . The area that the younger woman had circled on the map had her leaning closer that was where the kitchen house use to be till it burnt down just before the war started . We had it rebuilt closer to the main house to make it easier for the kitchen people to keep the food warm while they brought it to the table for us . & Author 's note : I am new to writing M7 fic , so please be gentle with me . Thanks to Luna Dey and Steelknight who beta 'd for me , and to my friends and fellow list members who allow me to try out my fics on them . This one is based on the lyrics of the song Christmas Shoes , by Leonard Ahlstrom and Eddie Carswell . Thanks to Mog for creating the ATF universe , and thanks to JK Poffenberger for creating the Little Britches AU . Chris watched the boy empty his pennies for the gift he wanted to buy . His mind wandered back to what JD had said about Vin finding him on the streets after JD 's mother was killed . His attention was brought back to the present when he felt a tug on his arm . " Mister , can you help me ? I really need to get these . " Larabee knew that someone up there had led them to that warehouse that day , and led them to those two little boys . With a much lighter heart he paid the cashier . He found himself humming a long forgotten Christmas tune as he made his way out to his truck . Other memories flooded to the surface as he made the long drive out to the ranch . Chris remembered the fear that ran through his body when he first found Vin . The child had been shot and would have died if they hadn 't found him when they did . It was during Vin 's recovery that Chris Larabee lost his heart and soul to a pair of blue eyes . As much as Larabee hated to admit it , he had lost his heart that day . That one little boy had broken down the walls he had built over the past three years , since the death of his family . He pulled into the long drive of the Ranch , and he hoped Buck had not put the boys to bed yet . He pulled to a stop next to Buck 's beat up truck , and he could not help but laugh to see the other cars there too . The blonde shut off the engine , grabbed the packages , and headed for the house . Vin stood in the window watching for Chris . Buck had seen the disappointment in the boy 's eyes when Larabee did not pick him up from Nettie 's . As Wilmington watched the small boy , he knew exactly when Chris pulled up . " Whoa there , brother . You need a coat , " Josiah said as he snatched up the boy . He quickly helped the boy into his coat and opened the door for him . Everyone gathered at the window just in time to see the skinny seven year old bowl Chris over into a snow drift . In the house , the men went silent as they watched the man in black lose his footing and fall over . They let out a collective sigh of relief and smiled as they watched Chris grin and tickle the boy . The two walked into the house , removed their coats , and joined the others in the living room . Larabee took the beer Nathan offered him and sat down in his recliner . " Thanks , Nathan . I am glad we are all together here tonight . " Chris wrapped his arm around the small form on his lap , and relayed the story of what happened in the store to the other men . " It made me remember the day we came across these two . I hadn 't been that scared in a long time , " he sighed . " Someone was watching over them until we got there that day . " Buck ruffled JD 's hair and nodded . " I think yer right , Pard . These two managed to finally make us all a family . This is going to be the best Christmas ever . " Everyone nodded in agreement . " I do believe you should tuck these two wee ones into bed , Chris . " Ezra dropped his usual formality as he smiled warmly at the two young boys , who were both struggling to stay awake . Looking down at the yawning youth , Chris nodded in agreement . " I think so , too . Come on , Cowboy . It 's time for bed . " He cradled the slight form against his shoulder as he headed up the stairs . The two men shut the door behind them and headed back downstairs . " All tucked in for the night , " Chris announced to his friends . " Now let 's wrap the rest of these gifts . " With five men sharing the task they had it done in no time . They surveyed the results of their work , as it lay nestled under the tree . Each man was lost in his own thoughts of Christmases past and Christmases yet to come . " They 'll be up early , " Buck said . " We best hit the sack . " Welcome to kcsunshine419 @ gmail . com Posted on April 21 , 2014 by jsassychriselda I wanted to welcome you to my wordpress page . I will be posting more soon . I like to know everyone 's name that follows me that way I can use it when I comment back on comments . I like to be personable and friendly to people . Chris Larabee stood staring out the window with his head leaning against the cool glass . Here he was in another hospital room , only this time it wasn 't any of Team Seven that lay in the bed behind him . He studied the figure that lay in the bed and heaved a heavy sigh as he walked over and sank into the chair he had spent the last two days living in . He reached out a callused hand and took the smaller hand in his . He still saw her as a toddler with big blue eyes that watched him with pride touched with a little bit of hero worship . Larabee pressed the dainty hand to his cheek and tried to wish her to wake up by the sheer force of his will alone . " Wake up baby please . I need to see those baby blues of yours . " Exhausted , he laid his head on the bed and closed his eyes . He could hear the radio Vin had brought playing softly in the background . When an actress on the movie screen Plays Lolita in some old man 's dreams It doesn 't matter who she is I think about you His mind replayed the call from the school over and over in a never - ending loop . He couldn 't believe it when he was told a fellow student had severely beaten her . She was being loaded into the ambulance as he spoke to the principal . She was still unconscious and the more time that passed the more worried he became . Those first hours after she had been brought to the hospital had been agonizing for Chris , and thinking back on them didn 't lessen the feelings of anger and fear he had felt then . The cops taking the report told him what they had found , and what they had been told by the student that came across Krissy and her assailant . They said that they had found a bat nearby , and that they were waiting on test results to see if the blood on it matched hers . They had found out that she had put up a hell of a fight . Chris smiled at thought of the damage she could have inflicted on the boy responsible . As he paced the ER waiting room , he fought hard to keep the fear of losing his little girl away , but nothing he did seemed to help . He knew he couldn 't handle it if he had to bury her too . His heart broke when he saw her in the recovery room . Her blonde hair was still tinted slightly red from the blood that had been rinsed out of it . The fine features of her face were hard to see through all the distortion caused by the bruises and swelling . He could see where they had wired her jaw shut and he shuddered in sympathy at the thought of the pain she would have to endure . Through all the cuts and bruises he could still see his little girl in the image his mind conjured up . She stood looking up at him with those big blue eyes , begging him not to go every time he had to return to college or to the police academy . Chris was brought back from his worried thoughts buy a gentle pressure on his hand . When he looked up he saw a pair of unfocused , pain filled , baby blue eyes watching him . Larabee sat up and he could see her when she tried to speak . Quickly moving closer to her head he laid a gentle finger to her lips . " Shh baby , don 't try and talk . They had to wire your jaw shut to help it and your cheek heal properly . " He could see the fear in her eyes . He gently placed his forehead against hers and whispered . " He can 't hurt you anymore . I made sure of it . I 'm not leaving you this time . " He knew the gesture would calm her just as it always had even after the worst of nightmares when she was little . He could feel her relax at the touch . As he watched her drift back to sleep , Chris thought about how much of her life he had missed . He squared his shoulders , and he made her a promise that he would be there for her no matter what . She would live with him also … It was time she lived with her father . The ATF agent sat back in the chair and thought back to the day that he told his parents his girlfriend was with child . His parents didn 't like Michelle . They thought she was a bad influence on their son . But , when he said he wanted to raise his child they agreed to help him . He gently took his daughter 's small hand in his , and his thoughts drifted back to his years at home . They never hid the fact that he was her father . She grew up calling him daddy . A smile spread across his face and he decided he would speak to his father . He knew they would let her come to live with him . They had been after him to raise her in his house since the death of his wife and son . Chris looked up and nodded . " Yes ? " He straightened to stand by the side of the bed , while keeping a hand on his daughter 's arm . The young woman stepped into the room and fiddled with her hat as she looked at the famous ATF agent . " I 'm Detective Landau . I 'm here about the abuse your daughter suffered . The officers that took your report stated that there wasn 't much to all this . I am just following up . " Closing his eye against the anger that started to build . When he thought he could speak without taking the woman 's head off , he looked up at the detective . " Look at her . She 's only sixteen . She should be out with her friends , going to movies , and going out on dates , not to mention dances at school . But , no , she 's laying here unable to move or speak , and they say there 's nothing to report . " " Mr . Larabee . Please calm down . As a parent myself I understand how you 're feeling . " For a moment , she could see the worry and concern etched on his face before his mask fell into place . " Calm down ! Lady you don 't have any idea how I feel . This isn 't your child laying here scared and in pain . Her injuries are enough to make a grown man cringe . " Chris fought to control his voice and his statements , but he was fighting a losing battle . Larabee shook his head . It didn 't surprise him that it wasn 't mentioned . " Why doesn 't that surprise me ? … . She has a cracked pelvis , lower jaw and left cheek are also cracked , a couple of broken ribs , and a punctured lung . That doesn 't even take into account all of her cuts and bruises . Now , you tell me if there 's nothing to be worried about . " The detective made her way to the bed and stared wide - eyed at the young girl sleeping there . She couldn 't help but wince at seeing the swollen face . " How did all this happen ? " " The jerk those officers arrested did this , just because she turned him down for a date . I want him to pay for this . I don 't mean to take it out on you , but , " he indicated the small form in the bed , " my child is laying here battered and broken after a vicious attack . " He knew what the next question she was that she was bound to ask . " No , he didn 't rape her . Someone came upon them before he could . " She looked up sharply at the tall blonde . Landau couldn 't believe he knew what she was thinking . " How did you know I was going to ask that ? " " I 'm an AT F agent . I know the law . It 's a standard question when a woman is beaten . " Chris kept his eyes on the young woman in the bed , and he was relieved to feel her move under his hand . " I 'll look into the report . Please give me a call when she wakes . I do need to talk to her . " Landau handed him her card . Just before turning to leave she paused to look at the battered teenager . She gave her a light pat on the arm and then turned to leave . Larabee glanced at the card before shoving it into his pocket . He closed his eyes a moment and took a couple deep breaths to steady himself , and then he retrieved a cool cloth form the bathroom . Gently , he bathed her face in an effort to help her relax into a healing sleep . During the next month , Krissy dealt with the countless visits from cops and the Lawyers dealing with the case . On more then one occasion the young girl franticly tried to tell her father that she didn 't want to testify . Chris did his best to reassure her that she wouldn 't have to see him and that her written testimony would be enough . DA Travis sat next to the frightened girl . " Easy hun . I just need you to write down what happen and what he said to you . " Chris laid a hand on her shoulder and nodded . " Go on . You don 't want him to do this again to some other girl do you ? " He saw her shake her head in answer . Then he handed her the pen . While she was busy , he let his mind slip back to the call he made to the office when he first got to the hospital on that first day . He had only gotten out that Krissy was in the hospital before the line went dead . Larabee knew the rest of the team would be there within the next hour . Larabee watched each member of his team react to the young girl 's injuries . He couldn 't help but cringe when Buck swore as he stormed form the room . Nathan picked up her chart and read it . To ease his own mind , he gently checked her over . JD worried him when he watched the youngest member of his team step away from the bed . Silence was not a good thing from the usually boisterous young man . Ezra lightly brushed a finger across her cheek and shook his head sadly , and Josiah closed his eyes and said a silent prayer for the young girl . Vin gave Chris a silent nod , and he laid a hand on the young girl 's covered leg . His heart was breaking for his best friend and his daughter . In the short time that he had been with the team , he came to see her as a little sister . He made a silent promise that the boy would know he had messed with the wrong girl . As the days and nights passed , the nightmares had been the worst . She flung out at the images she saw in her dreams , and it pained Chris to hold her down knowing he might be hurting her more . He was afraid the restraints might do more damage to her mind set than had already been done by experiencing the brutal attack , and he refused to let them use them on her . Every time he had to hold her down he was careful not to hold where her injuries were , but he was still afraid of hurting her . Larabee was brought back to the present by a tug on his arm . He looked down at his little girl and smiled as she handed him the paper she was working on . He could see she was getting tired . " I think she 's had enough for today . Do you have everything you need ? " he asked Travis " Yes . This should work just fine . " He put the paper in his case after having the notary , who had come with him , notarize it for proof of authenticity . Then he stood to go . " Evelyn sends her love , " he told Chris as he clasped the blonde 's arm in a gesture of support . He looked down at the girl that now leaned back against the pillows , already sleeping , and sighed . He bid Chris goodnight and left to visit the lawyer he had gotten for them . After everyone had left , the tall blonde sat on the edge of the bed . A smile lit his face when he felt her move closer to him in her sleep . He knew she felt safe now . As he leaned back against the wall , he managed to drift off to sleep . Chris looked at his watch for what seemed to be the hundredth time just as Josiah walked through the door . " Sorry I 'm late . Truck wouldn 't start . " He explained as he took the chair that Larabee had vacated . " That 's okay . Thanks for staying with her . I just don 't feel like she 's ready to be left alone yet . " Gently he placed a kiss on the sleeping girl 's forehead and then left for court . The judge looked at the angry face of a father let down by the system " Mr . Larabee . I understand how you feel . But , being a law enforcement officer yourself you know how it works . I just hope your daughter has no permanent ill effects from what has happened to her . " " Thank you , Your Honor . " Chris Larabee looked over at the boy responsible for all this , and he turned the full force of his glare on the young man . " I hope some day you 're on the receiving end of a beating just like the one you gave my daughter . " With that , the ATF agent left the courtroom . He knew he needed to calm down before he told her the out come of the trail . " OH ! Don 't worry Pard ; it 's only rummy . " Buck tossed out the explanation , knowing his oldest friend had turned to Standish for an answer . " So , you going to tell us or not ? " With a heavy sigh Chris nodded . " He got Juvenile Hall ' til he 's eighteen . Then they will seal his records . " He heard the other members gasp at what he had just said , but it was his daughter 's reaction he was worried about . He got it , when she threw the cards and knocked over the tray table . The man in black was already by her side . He pulled her into a hug and held on until he felt her fighting stop and the crying begin . " Shhhh baby . I know , but he 's under age and the courts can 't do anymore then that . I know it 's not fair . " He let his fingers gently stroke her hair , and soon he could feel her relax in his arms . Still , he didn 't release his hold on her . Larabee sat with her until she finally managed to fall asleep . Chris was glad that at least the trial was taken care of very quickly , and that Krissy hadn 't had to be there . But , he hated seeing how down she was after finding out about the verdict . " Baby , I know how you feel , but there isn 't anything we can do about it . At least he got something out of it and didn 't walk away free and clear . " He saw her sigh in resignation . " Now you have your therapy to deal with , and you need to get well enough to go home . Think you can try really hard , so you can come home ? " he asked . She tipped her head and looked at him with a question in her eyes , then she pointed from herself to him . " Yes , with me , baby . " She smiled and then paused to look around the room . She pointed to the clock and then again from herself to her father . Chris smiled as he caught her meaning . " From now on . I want you with me from now on . " She hugged him and smiled as much as she could with the wires holding her jaws . After that day , she threw herself into the therapy . She wanted to go home . " Good afternoon , Krissy . I see you 're ready to go . I just have a few things to go over with your father then you can leave . " Doctor Thomas smiled at seeing the sparkle in the young blonde 's eyes . She knew going home was now the best thing for her . " I just need to check you over then you 're all set to go . " After a quick examination of the young woman , she smiled . " You 're healing well , but I still don 't want you trying to walk yet . " " Don 't worry , she won 't be walking anytime soon . " An authoritative voice came from the direction of the door . Both women looked up at hearing the strong voice to see a smiling blonde standing there . Chris pushed away from the doorframe and made his way over to the bed . He wrapped his arms around the younger of the two women and gave her a gentle squeeze . " I 'm sorry I 'm late baby . Had to get a few things . " Larabee turned to the doctor . " So doc , when do the wires get to come out ? " he asked as he took his little girl 's hand . The doctor shook her head in sympathy for the girl . She knew all to well how Team Seven was when it came to one of their own , and this young girl was no exception . If anything , they were more protective of her than they were with each other . " I take it the team members are the helpers ? " " Right , she 's got six honorary uncles willing to take their turns at helping her . " He couldn 't help but chuckle at seeing the panic in the blue eyes that stared up at him . " Don 't worry , Nettie and Casey have also volunteered to help you . " He watched the relief play across her face and smiled back at her . As they stepped out the door , Krissy sat up straighter and smiled as much as she could when she saw Vin standing by the truck . He held a stuffed Bear that was holding a heart . When the wheelchair was stopped next to him he handed her the bear and kissed her on the cheek . " Glad your coming home , Squirt . " He gently tweaked her nose when he saw her give him a good imitation of Chris 's famous glare . She never had liked that nickname . After playing the dutiful father by making sure her seatbelt was securely fastened , where she was seated in the middle of the large bench seat in the truck , he watched Vin climb in next to her and pull the young girl close . The younger man had wrapping a protective arm around her and let her lean against him . Chris smiled warmly at the sight as he went around and climbed into the driver 's side . Larabee started the engine and headed the truck out onto the highway toward home . They made one quick stop to fill the prescriptions , and he thought of stopping for milk shakes . He changed his mind when he saw the young woman was asleep were she leaned against the sharpshooter . He reached over and gave his daughter a gentle pat on the knee and he kept the truck headed towards the ranch and the rest of their family . The rest of the team heard the truck pull in the drive and made their way out onto the porch to welcome their lost angel home . Chris smiled fondly at the sight of them gathered there , impatiently waiting for them to get Krissy out of the truck . Josiah was the first to give up any show of patience , and he walked over to the truck . The Profiler waited for Vin to climb out and then picked up the sleeping girl and headed into the house . In the den , he gently placed her on the couch and pulled the afghan off the back to cover her . The big man leaned down and placed a soft kiss on her forehead . " Welcome home Angel . " Then he put his size to good use and he ushered the others from the room so she could sleep . Edits going slow Posted on June 21 , 2011 by jsassychriselda Edits are going really slow , but school keeps me really busy and the family of course . Being summer we are doing a lot of traveling between CO , NM and OK visiting family and friends . Share this : FacebookPrintEmailLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Updates | edits Posted on March 6 , 2011 by jsassychriselda started edits at the beginning of February . they are going slow but I have to put my classes first and work on them when I get a chance . did manage to get the first chapter edited . 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Yesterday , after I finally got all of this set up , I was tired . I had , technically , written for 15 minutes and so , in my fashion , I quit . In my defense , I had one of the hardest days I 'd had in a long time yesterday . At 8 : 30am , Dave had to have his wisdom teeth removed . At 7 : 50am , ten minutes before we needed to leave , the Bug got tired . So we called Lindsey to come sit with her and I drove Dave down Vista Hermosa to the dentist . I left him there as the doctor said it would be an hour and a half . The Bug woke up in time to go back and pick him up and we all traipsed home . The rest of the day was spent taking care of my two ' babies . ' It was not easy . The Bug was grumpy , Dave was in pain . The Mommy had to make baby food , only to find that the avocados ( which the Bug loves ) weren 't ripe enough , nor were the bananas . I ran out to buy more avocados and steamed some carrots and decided to wait on the bananas until today . The Bug was mad , the Mommy was stressed and , again , Dave was in pain . I didn 't get to eat lunch or take a shower until 2pm . Then my friend KLE came over so we could be crafty and I made a shopping cart cover . Martha Stewart would be proud . Homemade baby food , a shopping cart cover , all the diaper changes , all the ice pack changes , jello and pudding delivery service , bath time / bed time and finally , sleep . I did my best , but I 'll tell you what - it was exhausting ! By 9 : 45pm , I could barely keep my eyes open . But honestly , I feel like I accomplished something . . . well , many things . And today looks much more promising . The patient seems to be out of the ICU - well , he 's off the couch and is playing with the baby so that 's helpful . I 'm going to make some cheesecake brownies to take to a bbq in a bit and stop by the vivero ( if it 's open ) to get some some herbs to plant this afternoon ( cheesecake brownies and planters courtesy of Pinterest ) . No more wasted weekends for this girl . I 've found my crafty side . . . and I finally understand why my cousin felt the need to go to Walmart every day with her young son . . . you just need something to do . She touched the little box in her pocket and smiled . The man next to her in the subway smiled too , seeing her absolute happiness and pretending he felt the same way that he imagined she felt . There was such tenderness in her fingers as she touched her left coat pocket that he wondered what was in there and was just about to ask when the train came whirling down the tunnel and screeched to a halt in front of them . They went their separate ways , the man to one end of the train and the girl to the other . As he grabbed onto the last hand rail nearest the door , the old man continued to smile at the beauty of the young lady 's smile . She seemed so content and so , well , happy . He was the exact opposite . He had been at the same job for thirty - seven years , a job he was good at , but did not particularly like . His wife had been begging him to take a cruise with her for the last ten years and he always managed to put it off , not because of the money , as his wife imagined , but because he hated the idea of asking his much - younger boss for the time off . He wanted to retire . He wanted to be a cliche and move to Florida and play golf and wear silly hats . He wanted to be happy . But he didn 't have the guts . During the twenty minute ride to his stop , he imagined all the things that the young lady could have had in her pocket . She had gotten off at the very next stop or he would have , he convinced himself , walked down and asked her what was in her pocket . He first thought it might be a locket with a picture of a lover or child in it but then decided that she would 've been wearing it and then decided that women probably did not wear lockets much anymore . Then he wondered if it was a ticket to someplace exotic and beautiful . He decided it wasn 't because the way she touched her jacket was so loving , almost a caress , and it did not convey the excitement of a trip . He asked himself if he thought she was the type of woman who might do something so brazen as to ask a man for his hand in marriage and could , in fact , be carrying an engagement Before he knew it , the train had reached his stop . He walked the three blocks home to the apartment he shared with his wife . He spent the entire night entertaining ideas of what could have been in the young girl 's pocket . His wife noticed his distracted nature and , instead of being frustrated with his lack of attention , was almost pleased not to have to listen to him rattle on about his job and how much he disliked it . As they crawled into bed that night , him on the right side and her on the left , the old man decided that the girl had been carrying a love letter from her boyfriend - she was too young for a husband . It was the only explanation he could come up with . He fell asleep content and satisfied , as though he had solved a great mystery and resolved to write his own wife a love letter the next day , in the hopes of making her smile again the way the young lady had smiled in the subway . Day 3 : Make a list : Ralphing is something I learned from a dear friend in college . She told me just to grab a pen and paper and go at it . It 's just stream - of - consciousness writing , but it 's a lot more fun to say " I 'm gonna ralph ! " Last night I had a dream about my mother . There was a store and Dave and I were running and I can 't remember why but then suddenly I was talking to her on the phone and I knew she was dead and I knew that it was a miracle . She told me about the people she had met in Heaven and that everyone smoked pot . I don 't smoke pot , but it sounds like a pretty chilled out place to me . It 's weird that I more sad now that she 's gone . I guess it 's suddenly started really hitting me that I 'll never say " Momma " again and have anyone answer me . Oops , making myself cry so we 'll go somewhere else instead . Where to , I 'm not sure . Maybe a new country . Maybe a new room . It 's hard to do this with screaming middle school children in the next room , randomly ' singing ' the theme song from . . . something . I can 't place my finger on it . But I know it and you would too if I bummed it for you like they 're doing . The last time I ralphed was on a yoga retreat before I had Rory . There was a donkey . This is not really going the way I want it to and I 'm thinking it has something to do with the fact that I 'm typing it at school rather than writing it the quiet of some room in my house . I 'd rather be home but we have professional development . I can guarantee that I will not be developed , professionally or otherwise , today . I might sneak out . She wasn 't sure why she 'd come . Maybe because the tickets had already been paid for , maybe just to get away from all the sad faces . Especially John 's mother - if she tried to hug her , to comfort her one more time , Elizabeth thought she might scream . So she left and went on their honeymoon alone . They should 've been married a week ago . Elizabeth had been at the ski lodge for three nights . The clerk looked at her funny when she checked into the honeymoon suite alone but she didn 't care - it wasn 't his business . She didn 't care that the entire staff was whispering about the quiet lady in room 604 who hadn 't come out of her room since she 'd arrived but kept ordering bottles of Vodka and orange juice brought up . She didn 't care that they all assumed she 'd been left at the alter . And she really didn 't care that they thought it was too bad , because she was so pretty . On her fourth day , she made a decision . Elizabeth put on her snow suit and the hat she 'd knitted for John . She smiled a sad smile that it fit her so well - he always joked that he wasn 't sure if he had a small head or she had a big one . She grabbed his wallet , the one he 'd begged and begged for , the one she had finally gotten for him as a wedding gift , the one he 'd loved so much that he picked her up and twirled her around the room when she gave it to him a month early because she was afraid he was going to buy it for himself . He hadn 't let that wallet out of his sight since he got it . Elizabeth cleaned it out the day the hospital gave it back to her . Now all that was in it was one of their engagement pictures and a note that Elizabeth had written that morning . Elizabeth walked past the curious receptionist and out the front door of the lodge . She walked down the path that led to the frozen lake , past the couple lacing up their ice skates . She walked for thirty minutes around the edge of the lake until the tree cover was so thick that it was dark and there was very little snow on the ground . She found a rotting , hollow log and , after kissing the wallet , she slipped it inside . Then Elizabeth walked back to her room , packed her bags , checked out , and went home . It would be eleven years before anyone found the wallet . A young skier on vacation with his family and desperate for a forbidden cigarette inadvertently followed Elizabeth 's path around the lake and into the dark woods . Finding the rotten log and thinking he was far enough in not to get caught , he sat down . The log , having been dead for some years before Elizabeth found it was now completely rotten and when young Jacob put his full weight on it , it collapsed . As he pushed himself up , cursing , the felt the smooth cover of plastic . Elizabeth had put the wallet in a baggie to protect it from the elements . Jacob got excited , hoping to find money inside the wallet or perhaps he 'd be offered a reward for its ' return - it was clearly a nice wallet . Instead of money , however , he found a picture of a smiling couple , an older couple in their forties at least . And he found Elizabeth 's note . When he showed it to his mother later , she couldn 't stop crying . Even Jacob had felt the threat of tears when he read Elizabeth 's words out there by the frozen lake . I cannot believe that your not being here is all my fault . If I had not bought you this wallet , you would not have left it at the restaurant that night . You would not have gone back to get it , driving a little too fast to get there before they closed . You would not have been so preoccupied with the wallet so as to miss seeing the stop sign . I have accepted that this is my fault . I have also , selfishly , accepted that you were probably my last chance to get married . We were not perfect for one another , but I did love you in the best way I could . And I think you loved me in the same way . We had fun . We laughed . But I never felt that overwhelming craziness for you . Nor did you feel it for me . And that 's okay . We would 've made it work . But now you 're gone . And I will grow older alone , as I thought I would before you . You gave me hope that I would have someone to look after and to look after me through the rest of my life . That hope died with you on the operating table . I know that you were it for me and now you are gone . And it is my fault . I am leaving your wallet here in Colorado , at our honeymoon ski lodge . I came up here to escape the sad faces of our friends and family . I came up here to leave the cause of your being gone behind me . At least the physical part . I will always know that me buying that wallet lead to your death . If I had not bought it , or just given it to you on our wedding day , you would be here . We would be starting our life together , for better or for worse . I did love you . I do love you . I will probably always love you , in my way . After I leave this , I am going home to pack up your things and return my house to being ' my ' house . It will be as if you never happened to me . And right now , I can 't decide if that 's better or worse . What stirs me ? What a great question ! So many things , in both the positive and the negative . I can get quite worked up about political and social issues - gay rights being one of them . For the life of me , I can 't figure out why the government gets to have any say in who gets married and who doesn 't . What does it matter ? And I certainly can 't understand those who are so adamantly opposed to it - how does it affect you anymore than me being married to my husband affects you ? It doesn 't . I can definitely get on a soap box about that . Education , educational reform , the treatment of teachers by politicians and teachers - these are other button - pushers for me . Funding for the arts , not shockingly , can me quite animated . All of these topics make me want to argue , even if someone agrees with me . As for the positive ( does that say something about me that I started with the negative ? ) , I am stirred by my daughter . I have loved every minute that I have watched her grow and I can 't wait for all the things we will do together as she gets bigger . This also makes me think of my own mother which , especially lately , seems to stir up a hefty amount of emotion in me . I am stirred by the life I live and the people I know - all the beauty of all the wonderful friends I have made around the world and the beauty of the places I have been able to travel and will hopefully travel to . I am stirred by love and friendship and kindness and forgiveness . Day 8 : Free write for 5 minutes , beginning with the sentence Behind her , the noise escalated . She couldn 't believe she was leaving just as the headliners were coming on . She 'd been waiting for this concert for three months and these were the best seats she 'd ever had - third row , center . They 'd bought cowboy boots and hats , had t - shirts printed with their names and the name of the band , and had been tailgating since 3 : 00pm . She felt too old to be behaving like this , but it had been such a fun and needed afternoon . Now , just as the band came on , the band she 'd loved since she heard their first album , she was leaving . Then again , she wasn 't expecting to see him there . And certainly not with his arms around someone else . Yes , she had been the one to leave . She had decided it wasn 't working out and she wanted to see if there was something else , something better out there . It didn 't mean that the break - up hadn 't been painful for her as well . He really was an amazing guy . She just didn 't feel that spark when she was with him . It wasn 't anyone 's fault . It 's just how it was . But seeing him with that girl - a girl who was clearly a hussy - it actually hurt . Having him stand two rows back and be so engrossed in the hussy that he didn 't even notice her , that hurt more . She didn 't want to be that girl - the one who went back when she realized what she 'd lost . . . but she was starting to think she 'd realized what she lost . There was something about her , walking slowly to her door , that made him keep watching her . He was late for work , again , because they had spent the night together and , instead of letting her call a cab , he 'd offered to drop her off at home , thirty minutes out of his way . And of course they had not been able to get up and get out the door on time . And now , almost an hour late for work already , he stayed parked outside of her front door , watching the green dress swish around her legs as she climbed the four steps . As she put her key in the door , she turned and saw he was still sitting there . She gave a surprised wave and ducked her head into the house , both in embarrassment and joy . He was still there when she shut the door and she raised her hand one last time . His heart leapt . Her heart leapt . They both stayed still , her at the door , him in the car , for another few seconds with a secretive smile on each of their faces , each hesitant for the day to begin without the other nearby . Day 10 : Write for 30 minutes I 'm not going to lie , I might not be able to write for 30 minutes . The truth is , I got behind this weekend . I 'll play the part of one of my students and say it wasn 't my fault , but of course it was . However , life did get in the way , just a bit . Saturday , I meant to sit down and do day 8 . In fact , I did sit down and start but I couldn 't find my words . There were a lot of distractions and I was having a hard time focusing my thoughts . It didn 't help that Saturday started off with a bit of a kafuffle . Well , not kafuffle so much as a down - right pain in the mouth . My poor husband has really had the worst luck since our little lady bug was born . Four weeks after we brought her home , he broke his arm and was in a cast for the next six weeks . Barely six weeks after the cast came off , I 'm pretty sure he broke his foot , though he never went to the doctor to confirm or deny this . And now , a few weeks into school , he ends up having to have his wisdom teeth out . Then he gets an infection . He wasn 't feeling great on Friday and , by bed time , was in so much pain that he couldn 't sleep . His dentist had gone out of town for the Guatemalan Independence Day holiday . I called him and he said just to take some pain killers and keep rinsing with salt water until Monday . By Saturday morning , husband was in so much pain it was hurting me . So we called around until our amazing vice - principal was able to help us find another dentist who was not only in town , but also open . It took us a while to find the office because there is a shocking lack of street signs in Guate City , but we did and the dentist pulled us right in . He said Dave had an infection , prescribed some antibiotics , showed me the grody hole , and we were on our way . Dave spent most of the rest of Saturday going in and out of pain . Sunday was better , though it was still coming and going . I was able to leave the house and get the dogs out to doggy play date again ( FINALLY ) , and do a little grocery shopping and printing of pictures so I could catch up oI am exhausted . I know Dave is too and I know he 's not intentionally getting hurt but it 's hard taking care of two babies . Especially when one is so much more demanding than the other ( I 'll leave you to decide which one I mean : - ) ) . So , needless to say , I didn 't get to my writing this weekend . And I missed it . I really did . I was supposed to free write for day 8 but I really had to think of what a story would be about that started with that prompt . Ughh . Segue . And not a good one . There is so much noise outside my house right now that it 's distracting . There is a family with two young children who live across the street and they are out there now with their nanny , screaming in their little kid voices . There 's also a small yappy dog running around with them . I really want to play the part of the old man in the neighborhood and run out with my cane , shushing them and telling everyone to stay out of my yard . The baby is sleeping - she didn 't sleep well today because she was rudely awaken by a 5 . 8 earthquake this afternoon - and I 'd really like her to stay asleep . I also feel bad being grumpy towards the kids and the nanny because they 're some of the few people in the neighborhood who say hello regularly . And if the lady bug was bigger , I 'd probably want her to go out and play with them . But right now , I want her to sleep . Okay , I 'm done for today . I did just write for 20 minutes on this and I did day 8 and 9 as well , so technically , I wrote for 30 minutes . I feel justified . Now I 'm going to make some lemon cream cheese bars because I actually found lemons in this country . Mmmm , lemons ! town ? ( I have been talking to this pastry chef for 15 minutes , encouraging her to move because it would really make my life easier . For the life of me , I don 't know why she won 't move ! ) After visiting the town , which looked perfect on paper , the pastry chef realized that the beautiful - looking river that ran right past the shop door , was actually a polluted , brown mess . The stench from the river completely camouflaged the delicious smells that the chef relied on to bring in her costumers . There was no way she could live there and compete with that smell . And go . I 've got 15 minutes before I have to be outside for recess duty and I 've decided that I really don 't like ralphing on the computer because it means that if I mess up I have to stop and fix it . It slows my train of thought . I might take the other ' ralph ' off this challenge and replace it with something else because these are definitely not as theraputic as my normal ralphs . I 'm gonna try though . Suddenly it seems as if there is so much to be done . Before lady bug , I came home and sat all night , happily , on the couch , watching TV , knitting , doing nothing . Now , all of a sudden I feel this great urge to do many many things - crafty things , projects , etc . I want to make everything , even things I don 't know how to make . I want a home instead of a house , even in our turbulent ever - changing lifestyle . Why didn 't I have these urges before when I the time to do them ? Now , if I work on a project , I feel selfish for not being with my lady bug or husband . Last night , I needed to make her food before some of the fruits and veggies went off , and before she ran out , and I ended up spending most of the night in the kitchen while she played with her daddy . Her lovely little smile was so happy every time I poked my head out to check on them , it made me want to play . But the kiddo needed food made so I made it . I 'm working on a sweater for DH ( darling husband ) and I really want to finish it but I feel guilty working on it until after the lady bug goes to bed . So I only get a few rows done each night . But I also want to make her something for Christmas and I need to get started on it because I have no idea how long it 'll take me to finish . When she was a little tiny lady bug , one day I ' complained ' that I would never get anything done if the only place she would sleep was in my arms . Someone told me to cherish that because it was going to be over soon , so I did . And it was . And I would almost pay to have her fall asleep in my arms again . So I must remember that . There will be time for crafts and projects later . Now , I will speDay 14 : Write from the point of view of a stack of paper a few inches from the shredder . I am not going to follow today 's topic . Today would have been my mother 's 59th birthday . It feels strange because , in the past few months , it has really started to hit me that she 's gone . I won 't see her again . I won 't call anyone Momma again . If I 'm being honest , and I am , I think it 's taken this long to hit because there was a tiny bit of relief after she passed . I love my Momma but God help her , she was drama . There was a release , an easy release in letting her go , knowing she was happy and at peace . For me , the relief came from not trying to hide how much I saw my dad or not having to worry about hurting her feelings unintentionally . It has been easier . But now , I miss my Mommy . For all her crazy , for all her drama , she was a good woman . She did what she could with what she had . Andrea and I turned out alright - not perfect , but pretty good . And enough time has passed that I can start to remember the good things . It 's hard , I won 't lie . There are things that I 'm already doing or planning to do with the lady bug that I wonder if my mom ever did with me . There are things I know she didn 't do , memories we failed to make . And that makes me sad . For both of us . I feel her now , usually in the lady bug 's room at night . I know she and Mimi are watching over my little girl , loving her as much as I do . But I have asked her not to do anything creepy if she 's in there . So far , she has obliged : ) The lady bug will know a perfect Beba . I will tell her stories of her fiery , red - headed grandmother and it 'll have to do . And for me , I will have some memories . I will work to replace the more irritating ones with happier ones . And I suppose I 'll cry . Day 15 : Use these The priest sat down on the bench and sighed . The church garden was beautiful this time of the year , but he just couldn 't enjoy it today . He had spent the last two hours crawling through the flower beds on his hands and knees , looking for his grandmother 's wedding ring . The ceremony was starting in less than an hour and he had to find it . When his brother had introduced him to Charlotte two years ago , he liked her immediately . She was pretty , kind , funny , and charming . And clearly totally smitten with his brother . They seemed absolutely perfect for one another so when Charles came to him last year to say he was asking her to marry him , Steven was ecstatic . Then Charles asked if Steven would mind if he gave Charlotte their grandmother 's wedding ring to serve as her band . Knowing he would never need it himself , having taken a vow of celibacy , Steven was more than happy for the ring to be passed on to someone as wonderful as Charlotte . Charles had asked Steven to not only officiate , but also to serve as best man . The two brothers were as close as brothers could be so it was natural for Steven to play both roles . And now , an hour before the ceremony , Steven had failed in the second biggest job of the day - holding on to the ring . He knew he had it when he was praying in his room and then he walked out into the garden with his lunch to enjoy the beautiful day . When he got back to his room to shower and begin to get ready , he noticed the ring was not in his pocket and he had been looking for it ever since . Desperate , he grabbed his magnifying glass and headed back into the garden . He traced his steps from the door to the bench , combing through every blade of grass , pushing aside every flower . He didn 't know what Charles would do if he had to tell him he 'd lost the ring . He did know that their mother would break down , as the ring was one of the only things she had left of Nana 's . After another twenty minutes of searching , Steven knew it was hopeless . The ring could not be in the garden and he had carefully combed every inch of the church . He sat on the bench and hung his head , wondering how to tell his mother and his brother . At that moment , he heard something ping on the concrete next to him and looked up to see the ring bouncing into the grass . Looking up further , he saw a tiny sparrow flying off into the distance . When he told the story later to his mother and brother , when they could all laugh about it , he guessed that the bird had picked it up thinking he could use it in his nest and the decided he couldn 't . As to why he brought it back to the place he took it from , Steven could only imagine and thank God . Day 16 : Write a 250 again introduced herself to him , he smiled politely and told her his name . Again . And then he fixed the copier for her . Day 17 : My old room was … to Central Church , my first ' old ' room ? Or Fern Creek Drive - my longest ' old ' room ? I guess Fern Creek would be the best ' old ' The truth is , if the Valentine card had arrived , everything would 've been different . Paul sent it , it is true . But because it never arrived , the whole relationship changed . Leslie thought that Paul was not only forgetful and probably not as in love with her as he claimed , but he was also a liar . Clearly if he 'd sent a card , it would 've arrived . The US Postal service is not that unreliable . Then Leslie began to doubt everything about their relationship . She didn 't know if she could trust Paul anymore - I mean , if he would lie about something as insignificant as a Valentine , what else was he lying about ? Where was he really when she called him last night and he didn 't answer . He said his phone had died and he didn 't notice - what a lame excuse ! He was obviously with someone else . Probably his ex - girlfriend . Leslie never did buy that the broke up because he wanted to get married and she didn 't . What type of woman doesn 't want to get married ? He probably never sent her a Valentine either ! And poor Paul - all he could do was swear he sent it and accept it when Leslie dumped him . He really did like her ; he thought she might be the one . He was going to propose next month . Day 19 : List 9 reasons to call off a wedding In 45 minutes it will be 3 : 00pm and time for professional development . I 'm not even sure what we 're doing today , to be honest . I bet it 's grades so I bet I can just sit in here and catch up on my writing and other nonsense , since I 've already done my grades . There are a bunch of kids failing drama this year . I figured out how to grade so that the points actually mean something and it really has affected them . What am I talking about ? Well , last year , the kids got a participation grade out of five every week . It was worth 40 % of their grade . But really , a 5 doesn 't really affect anything . Neither does a one . So this year , it 's the same percentage but it 's out of 200 points . That 's a game changer . And I 've made their tests and performances count more . So . . . there are a lot more kids failing . I 'm not sure if the parents will come see me about it - most of them probably aren 't that concerned with their kid failing drama . And the ones who would be concerned are the ones who aren 't failing . That 's been true everywhere I 've ever taught . And let 's talk about that . Dave and I are planning to recruit this year . The process for recruiting in the international world is as follows : 1 . Somewhere around September / October ( if not before ) , you decide you want to look for a new school , so you update your resume , ask for references , and sign up to a job fair . Then , if you 're my husband , you check the websites every day to see if there are new jobs . 2 . In October / November , you start sending out resumes to schools that have jobs listed for you . Before that , you get fussed at by your husband a lot for not having your resume finished or for not wanting to send your resume to a school that doesn 't actually have a job for both of you / one that you want / a country you don 't want to live in , etc . 3 . In November / December , you tell your present school that you might or might not be coming back . This is usually met with hard feelings , despite this happening every year . 4 . Stress about getting a new job over Christmas break . Possibly set up Skype interviews . Book your flight and hotel for the fairs , which you 're secretly hoping you won 't need but now you 've paid for them so you hope you will . That is a bare - bones description . There is a lot more to it - mostly the researching part . Do I want to go here , could I live there , what is that a picture of ? How long is the flight , how much does it cost to get home ? This year , though , it 's really important to me to get back into choir . I really , really miss it . I miss singing and conducting and picking out music and making it come alive . I even miss playing the piano , as bad as I am at it . I miss concerts . I don 't know if I 'll find a choir job this year . So far , there 's nothing , but it 's early . A lot of international schools are too small for a choir teacher - they want a band / choir teacher and I can 't teach band . I could do drama / choir and that is sometimes offered . I like teaching drama , but I really want to get back into my passion . Hmm , I guess I might have a passion . This did not take me 45 minutes . But my fingers hurt now and I have to go to the bathroom . I might come back and write some more later . I still have to do Day 21 . . . obviously I got a little behind this weekend . I didn 't mean to , but I don 't think I sat down all weekend and I can admit that it slipped my mind until Sunday night . I feel so busy when I get home - I want to soak up every minute of my time with the lady bug but there are so many other things to be done as well . No wonder I 'm so exhausted at the end of the night and I have help ! ! I have a nanny who does all the big cleaning during the week - I 'm only responsible for the dishes at night and I don 't even really have to do those because she 'll do them the next morning . . . but I can 't stand to wake up to a dirty kitchen . I also think it 's more important for her to watch my kid so I like to get the dishes done , or at least most of them . I have to cook dinner . Dave will help some nights but he doesn 't like recipes so if he 's not making something he already knows how to make , I cook . Then there 's baby food making - not every night , but some . Okay . . . now that I 'm typing this out , I have no idea what I spend my time doing . I only know that I am so tired at the end of the day , I feel like I never sit down , and I feel like I don 't get enough time with the kiddo . What the heck do I do ? ? ? Luca looked at the clock and groaned . It was 4 : 25am and he was not even half - way finished with his paper . Talk about burning the midnight oil , he thought and sighed and got back to work . The paper was due tomorrow - an in - depth study on where the saying " burning the midnight oil " had originated . Luca would like to think it was ironic , but he knew that it was really just another case of his own battle with procrastination . Procrastination always seemed to win . He 'd known about the paper for three weeks but had kept putting it off because there was always something better to do . Now , it was the night , well , the morning , before the paper was due and he was in trouble . He thought about not going to class , but since there were only 10 of them in the literature class , the professor had a tendency to bring the class to the sick person , just to make sure you weren 't faking . Then , even if he could pull off looking and sounding sick , he 'd still have to turn in the paper . There really wasn 't anything else to do but finish . Every time he put this pressure on himself , he swore he wouldn 't procrastinate the next time . And every time he had a paper or test , he procrastinated again . He looked at the clock again . It was 5 : 12am . Where had the last 45 minutes gone ? He hadn 't even written another sentence ! He slapped himself in the face a few times , pinched his arm and did 15 jumping jacks to wake himself up . Then he placed his hands on the keyboard and started typing . The first time I meet people , I think I come off as snobby . It 's not snobbery though , it 's shyness . But there is an art - form to shyness and I don 't think I 've mastered it . So yeah , I probably come off like a brat . But after that , after I 've had a chance to get to know someone and definitely after getting past the small - talk phase , I hope that I convey warmth , kindness and humor with a little insecurity thrown in there for good measure . Day 23 : What are your top 5 Christmas movies and why ? 1 . A Christmas Story - this is just the best Christmas movie of all time . It has a pink fluffy rabbit costume , a bully that I was afraid of as a child , dogs , swearing and electric sex . How can this not be number one ? 2 . Love Actually - I love how all the stories intertwine . I love how everyone finds love and mostly I love Hugh Grant dancing around the house as the prime minister . 3 . The Holiday - I don 't know why . This is a cheesy rom / com but I love it . I think it 's because of the coziness of the English cottage . And Jack Black not acting like an idiot . It is too dang loud in here for this . No one said ralphing had to be long . I want an office or a room all to myself where silence is part of my day . That 's all . Thank you and good night . Day 25 : Think about Jennifer , Marissa , Rachel , Andrea , Kendra , Dave . . . All of them have been there for me in some way or another . They are the best friends I could ask for . I could not make it through this life without them by my side . That is a true story . What a tough question because truly , there a lot of jobs I wouldn 't want - trash collector , tax collector , policeman , anything in food or retail ( been there , done that . . . ) , etc . But " NEVER " is a strong word and this question has me thinking , " Is this a choice between feeding my family and taking a job , " because then I would do anything . Or is it just a job I would hate to have ? Anything involving math , science or criminals would not be up my alley . But wait , that 's not true . I would love to be on a show like Mythbusters and that 's all science and math . So strike that . I really don 't know . Day 27 : Describe what There are so many beautiful views that I 've seen in my life . One of my favorite views right now is when I get home from school and that little lady bug smiles and squeals like I 'm the best thing SHE ' S ever seen . It 's pretty amazing to see her face light up and she hits herself in her tummy and , starting last week , begins to crawl towards me . It melts my heart every day . But then there are the sunsets . Georgia and Guatemala provide some amazing sunsets and I love seeing them . This summer , I experienced a few sunrises with the lady bug and those were spectacular as well . I guess though , when I read the question , the first answer that came to my mind was the view from our hotel at Lake Atitlan . The volcanoes were rising majestically across the lake in the early morning sun . The light was reflecting off the lake so you couldn 't see how dirty it was - it just shimmered and sparkled . It was quiet and beautiful and it would 've only been more perfect if I 'd had a cup of coffee to enjoy it with . The day was sunny and warm enough , though I can 't recall exactly when it was . I remember jackets but I can 't be sure . I had spent the night , or possibly weekend , with my cousin Daniel and we had just arrived at Mimi 's for the kid exchange . My cousin Sean lived next door and , just as we pulled up and got out of the car , I saw him dash into the house . Or at least I thought I did . Daniel and I ran into the house , calling his name and searching everywhere for him . I 'm sure if I went back now , the house would seem quite small , but at the time , it provided many , many hiding opportunities for a small boy . After what seemed like hours of searching , we decided to divide and conquer . We thought maybe he was just running around a corner each time we were about to find him . I went out the front door and Daniel headed out the back . Almost as soon as I was outside , I heard a cat up in one of the tall pine trees in Mimi 's front yard . But Mimi didn 't have a cat . I looked up and there was Sean , sitting on a branch , smiling mischievously . I quickly scampered up the tree as we heard Daniel coming around the corner of the house , calling for us . We stifled our laughter for a few seconds , watching him search for both cousins now . Then , Sean meowed . Daniel looked around . Sean meowed again . Daniel flipped around , looking over his shoulder . So Sean barked . Loudly . Daniel finally looked up , saw us hanging out in the trees and clambered up to join us . We all laughed about and it 's one of those memories that we will probably tell our kids . Hello , my name is Kelli and I want to be a writer . I am currently traveling the world as a drama / music teacher in international schools . I have a wonderful husband , two adorable kids and two fuzzy furbabies who come with my on every adventure . It 's a hell of a life ! The Ladybug , Sprout and I have just come from a birthday party down the street . Three doors down the street , to be precise . The birthday g . . . An Open Letter to Mothers Day 12 : An Open Letter ( ooh , I love a good open letter ! ) Dear Mothers - Calm down . No seriously , get off Pinterest and calm down . Y . . .

When the girls rang the doorbell , they heard Mrs . Henry shout , " Go Away . " " Mrs . Henry , " Amber yelled through the door . " It 's Laura and Amber . We came to see if you need any help . " " Come on in , " She yelled back . As the girls opened the door , they heard her say , " Might as well . You already woke me up . " The wrinkled condition of Mrs . Henry 's house dress told Amber and Laura that she really had been sleeping . Her thin white hair was piled up on her head so that it looked like a giant spider had woven its web there . " It 's a long story , " Mrs . Henry sighed . Amber and Laura were sure it would be . " I was late for my Bridge game and I had my arms full of old clothes I was taking to the thrift store . The gravel in my driveway was loose . I wish I had a cement driveway , but Mr . Henry said we couldn 't afford cement so we had to have gravel . Anyway , the gravel was loose and my feet started slipping . I tried to grab a hold of my car door , but I kept slipping . The next thing I knew , I was down on the gravel . I probably would have lain there until I died , but Doris Duncan came by to check on me when I didn 't show up at the Bridge game . At least I have one person who cares a little about what happens to me . She called for an ambulance and they took me to the hospital . The doctor ordered an x - ray and said I have a broken hip . The next day , I had surgery . They put me in rehab for three weeks , and now I 'm supposed to take care of myself . I can get around some in my wheelchair , but no one cares if I starve to death . " Laura and Amber jumped on their bikes and raced down the street toward the market . Laura had tucked Mrs . Henry 's money safely in her pocket . After they located all of the items in the store , they went to the checkout counter where Margaret , the clerk , rang up their purchases . Amber put the milk and bread in the basket of her bike . Laura took the eggs and coffee . They rode back as fast as they could , knowing that Mrs . Henry would be annoyed if they took too long . Just as they were turning the corner onto Hope Street , a large yellow dog ran out in front of them . Amber managed to miss the dog , but when Laura tried to swerve around him , she lost control of her bike . With a loud crash , she landed on the pavement , the back wheel of her bike still spinning around . Amber ran to help her up . That 's when she saw the raw egg spilled on the pavement . " Are there any unbroken ones ? " Laura asked as Amber opened the carton . Just then Amber realized they were on Betty Jenkins ' street . Amber and Laura knocked forcefully on Betty 's door . " What 's wrong ? " Betty asked when she saw the panic on their faces . " Don 't worry , " Betty said , calmly . " It was just an accident . We 'll think of something . Let me see if I have a dozen eggs in my refrigerator . " " Of course not . " Amber laughed " Those words aren 't in her vocabulary . " From The Handy Helpers : Seven is a Perfect Number , available from Amazon It was Melissa 's idea to dress up for the luncheon at the senior center . Amber would have been happy to show up in jeans and a T - shirt like she usually wore , but Melissa suggested she wear her Easter outfit . That meant that instead of riding her bike to the senior center , her mother drove her there so she wouldn 't get her clothes dirty . Melissa and Laura were already inside when Amber arrived . Mrs . Snow greeted her and showed her to the table . " We 'll be starting in a few minutes , " she said . " You get to sit at the head table . " Amber looked around the room . The junior volunteers were seated at a long table near the front - Three Handy Guys at one end and the Happy Helpers at the other . Walt and Mrs . Snow had places in the middle . There were vases of fresh flowers on the tables . The room was filled with chatter as the seniors were selecting seats at the round tables . " We 're here today , " Walt began , " to thank our junior volunteers who do so many nice things for us . " Walt introduced the Happy Helpers seated on his right and the Three Handy Guys seated on his left . " Since they are the guests of honor today , we 're going to let them go through the line first . Then we 'll call the order of the tables to follow . Stick around after you eat . We have a special video prepared by our own Hank Anderson . " " I 'm sure I will , " Amber said as she moved on to the potato salad and pasta salad . The table was loaded with all kinds of casseroles and breads . On another table , she saw luscious pies , cakes , and cookies . Amber looked for Betty 's special chocolate chip cookies but didn 't see them there . " These dark - green leaves are spinach ? " Amber asked , surprised . " That 's not possible . Spinach is stringy and bitter . This salad is crisp and sweet . " " Now I wish the grasshoppers hadn 't eaten the spinach in my mom 's garden . Maybe she 'll try again , and I 'll help her grow some spinach . Now that I know how good fresh spinach tastes . " The guests had just finished their desserts when Walt stood up and grabbed the microphone again . " As I said before , Hank has been making a video of the things that we do at the senior center . Without further ado , I call your attention to the screen that we 've set up on the north wall . Gus , could you please dim the lights . " As the room grew dark , Amber noticed Hank turning on the projector . It took a few minutes to warm up , and then a picture of the front of the senior center was visible on the screen . The viewers were taken on a virtual tour of the senior center as Walt , the narrator , pointed out all the activities that happened there . In the exercise room , a tai chi class was going on . Amber watched as the instructor led the seniors in smooth , graceful movements . She was thinking she would like to try tai chi some day . In the recreation room , seniors were playing chess and checkers . Others were working on a community jigsaw puzzle . The next scene showed seniors playing bingo in the dining room . Then there were highlights from the shuffleboard tournament . The video made being a senior look like a lot of fun . At last , the video showed what the Happy Helpers had been waiting for , the spring luncheon . They laughed as they saw themselves greeting the seniors who were wearing their funny hats . Walt continued to narrate as he explained how important it was to have good volunteers . He introduced the Three Handy Guys and talked about all the things they do . There was video of them mowing the lawn and washing the vans . Hank had even gone to Gus 's house and made a video of them painting his porch . Walt continued to talk about volunteers as the video showed the Happy Helpers shredding paper , setting the table , and cleaning the kitchen . As the next part of the video started , a hush fell over the lunchroom . This part wasn 't narrated by Walt . It showed the lunchroom the day the spoons disappeared . Bob was frantically trying to find the spoons . In the meantime , seniors were doing their best to eat the pudding with forks . In the video , pudding was dropping all over the tables and into laps . Some seniors tried drinking the pudding with equally disastrous results . Some were slipping on pudding that had been spilled on the floor . It could have been a scene from Funniest Home Videos , except no one was laughing . As the video continued , it showed the walkway in front of the senior center . Instead of being nicely swept , it was covered with rocks and clods of dirt . Seniors in wheelchairs and those with walkers were trying to navigate their way to the front door , but it was difficult with so much debris in their path . Amber looked over at Spike , who had his head down . Her face turned red as she watched the next part of the video . It was taken in the shredding room where Mrs . Snow and Walt were picking up the bags of shredding that Amber had cut the bottoms out of . They had shocked looks on their faces as the shredding flew everywhere . The two were down on their hands and knees , scooping it out from under the table and desk and stuffing it into new bags . Amber was wishing the video would end , but there was more . This time , it showed the van covered in muddy water . Bob was on his way to deliver lunches to the seniors who were homebound . Instead of taking nice , hot food to them , he was saying , he would have to take time to wash the van because the windshield was too muddy to see through . That was all Amber could take . In the next second , she was out of her seat and bolting for the door . Just as she came racing down the walkway , her mom pulled up in front . " What 's wrong ? " Mary asked when she saw the disturbed look on her daughter 's face . " Didn 't you have a good time ? " Amber went straight to her room and closed the door . She turned her face to her pillow just as the tears started to come . After about fifteen minutes , she stopped crying , except for an occasional sniffle . Amber went to the bathroom and washed her face . She hoped that she looked like nothing was wrong . But her puffy red eyes gave away the fact that she 'd been crying . " They were just trying to make a point , " Laura said . " Walt talked to the four of us afterwards . He said he likes having us as volunteers , but he doesn 't like the war that 's been going on between us and the Three Handy Guys . We all talked it out and decided to work together instead of fighting each other . Then we can be better helpers for the seniors . That 's what 's important , isn 't it ? " " But no one was hurt by that . I didn 't tell you before , but I 'm the one who cut holes in the bags of shredding . When I saw Mrs . Snow crawling under the table to try to get all that paper . . . " Amber 's voice trailed off . " We figured that out after we talked to Chris and Logan , " Laura told her . " They 're not mad . They know Spike did things to us . Everyone wants to just forget about it and start over . " " That 's easy for you to say . " Amber hung her head . " You 're not the ones who made a mess of everything . You 're better off without me . " " That 's not true , " Melissa said . " We need you . You 're an important part of our team . Like Mrs . Snow said , just because we got off to a rocky start doesn 't mean we should quit trying . We have a chance to really help people who need our help . That 's what matters . " The girls had been in their hiding place for a few minutes before the Three Handy Guys showed up . They watched as Spike got the cleaning supplies out of the storage cabinet and headed to the men 's room with Chris and Logan . They could hear them talking in the men 's room but couldn 't quite make out what they were saying . Just then , Logan and Spike came out of the men 's room and headed for the ladies ' room . As soon as they were inside with the door closed , Melissa made her move . Walking quickly , but quietly , she reached the restroom door . Wrapping part of the rope around the doorknob , she stretched it over to the copy room door and wrapped more of the rope around that doorknob . Then she tied the two ends of the rope together . Laura and Amber , who had remained in their hiding place , were beginning to understand what Melissa had in mind . The girls only had to wait about ten minutes before the boys tried to leave the ladies ' room . They thought the door was stuck . The girls could hear them pushing on it . When it wouldn 't open , they began pounding on the door and yelling for help . " That 's what it said on the assignment sheet . " Logan looked confused . " We 've never had that job before , but we thought that was what you wanted us to do . " " I didn 't assign you to clean the restrooms , " Mrs . Snow said . " I didn 't assign anyone to do it . I was planning on doing it myself . " The girls were having trouble holding back their laughter . They could hardly wait for what was coming next . As the guys looked at the assignment sheet , the color drained from their faces , and they couldn 't even speak . " So what do you have to say for yourselves ? " Mrs . Snow wanted to know . " This is not a place to play . You 've been warned before . " Walt and Mrs . Snow went back into their offices . The girls watched as the guys returned the cleaning supplies to the supply closet and headed for the front door . Then the girls sneaked out the back door , got on their bikes , and rode away as fast as they could . Amber was sitting on her bed , working on a sketch of Domino . She was working from memory now . She had managed to get Domino to sit still for a few minutes , but then he wandered away downstairs . " Hello . . . Yes , this is Amber . . . Mrs . Henry ? . . . You saw our flyer in the senior center ? . . . Yes , we can do that . . . After school tomorrow ? . . . No problem , we 'll be there . . . Just let me write down the address . " " It was Mrs . Henry 's grandson . She 's out of town and wants us to water the plants in her front yard . I said we could do it after school tomorrow . " " I 'll have time , " Amber assured her . " It won 't take long with the three of us doing the watering . I 'll be home in plenty of time to go to Kyle 's game . " The Happy Helpers were excited about the job at Mrs . Henry 's . This was the first response to the flyer they had put up on the bulletin board at the senior center . Of course , they had helped Doris Duncan when she hurt her back , but Betty Jenkins had gotten that job for them . Mrs . Henry 's home was on Briar Street , just three blocks from Amber 's house . The girls left their bikes in the driveway and looked for the faucet and hose where her grandson said they would be . Laura grabbed a bucket she saw on the front porch and started filling it with water . Amber finished watering the first tree and was carrying the end of the hose to the next tree . Melissa was helping her by moving the rest of the hose so it wouldn 't get caught on anything . Just as Amber reached the next tree , she noticed that no water was coming out of the hose . Amber used her finger to partly cover the end of the hose , making the water spray . Then she aimed the hose at Melissa . Expecting the counterattack , Melissa moved out of the way . But Laura , who turned around when she heard Amber yell , got it right in the face . Melissa , now bent over in laughter , didn 't see Amber fill Laura 's bucket . It was too late when she saw Laura coming toward her , flinging the water in Melissa 's direction . " What do you think you 're doing ? " The three dripping girls looked up to see an elderly woman standing on the front porch . She was wearing a housedress , and knee - high stockings that didn 't quite make it to her knees . Her powder - white hair had been pinned up on her head , but was now tumbling down on her face . In her hand was a broom , which she was waving in their direction . " Turn that water off and get out of here ! " she was yelling at them . " I 've called the police . They 're on their way ! " " Now that I think about it , he did sound kind of funny , " Amber said thoughtfully . " And there was some laughing in the background . I thought maybe they were having a party . " Amber looked at the scoreboard as she took her seat at the baseball game . It was the top of the second inning , and both teams were scoreless . She watched as the batter struck out for the third out , bringing Kyle 's team up to bat . The first two batters were out at first base , and the third batter hit a fly ball that resulted in out number three . The score remained nothing to nothing through two more innings . Kyle came to bat in the fifth inning and hit a single . At the end of the inning , he was stranded at third base , with no runs being scored during that inning . The first batter on the other team hit a lead - off home run at the top of the sixth inning . The Bulldog pitcher , obviously shaken , walked the next batter . Then a batter hit a single . A wild pitch allowed the two runners to steal . Now there were runners on second and third . The next batter hit a ground ball , and the runners both made it home . The final score was five to one . For once , Kyle hadn 't scored a single run . Amber was as shocked as the other fans when the Bulldogs lost . After the game , Amber and her parents went out on the field to congratulate the team on a great season . Spirits were a little low , of course , but there was talk about next year and what they would do as junior varsity players . Kyle stayed behind for an end - of - the - season celebration in the locker room while Amber and her parents headed for home . " Thanks , sis , " Kyle said . " We knew winning was a long shot . That was a really good team we were playing . Anyway , at least we made the play - offs , even if we didn 't get very far . " " We don 't always win , and I 'm a pretty good player , " Kyle corrected her . " I don 't think I 'm a great player . There are lots of guys who are better than I am . " " Thanks . " Amber smiled . " It 's usually hard for me to concentrate . But when I 'm working on a drawing , I don 't seem to have that problem . " Walt was just putting the schedule up on the bulletin board when the girls walked up . " We 're giving you a week off , " Walt announced . " You worked pretty hard last week . We think you deserve a break . " " There 's more , " Walt continued . " On Saturday , we 're having an appreciation lunch for you and the boys . Where are they , by the way ? " " They 're probably waiting for Spike . He had to serve detention , " Amber said with a grin . " Ms . McGuire asked me to see her after school . When I walked in the room , I saw Spike sitting at his desk with his head down . " " He was clapping his hands and saying , ' Now class , settle down . Settle down . I have some great news . You 're going to get to do fifty pages of homework tonight . Isn 't that exciting ? ' He didn 't see Ms . McGuire come in with two other teachers . She probably would have laughed it off , but I guess she didn 't want the other teachers to think she was a pushover , so she gave him detention . " Even though they knew their names were not on the schedule , the girls walked over to the bulletin board and looked at it anyway . " I 've got a great idea , " Melissa said excitedly as she looked down the list of jobs . " Watch this . " Melissa pulled a pencil out of her book bag and wrote something on one of the empty lines on the schedule . When she was finished , Amber and Laura saw that she had written " Three Handy Guys " next to the assignment to clean the restrooms , and then she had checked the box for Tuesday . " I am going to erase it after the guys see it , " Melissa said . " Don 't be chicken . This is going to be fun . Just wait and see what happens tomorrow . " Melissa pulled her two friends into a doorway where they wouldn 't be seen . " We 'll wait here until the boys come . " " Ask me what happened in school today , " Amber said with excitement that night at the dinner table . " Go ahead , ask me . You aren 't going to believe it ! " " Well , I did , " Amber went on , " But that 's not it . In math today , Ms . McGuire told us what happened to that assignment . She took it home on Friday so she could grade the papers . On Sunday morning , she was looking out in her backyard . There was a lot of white stuff all over her yard . When she went to see what it was , she found our math papers in shreds . Her dog had dragged them out through his doggy door . He was in the backyard with some of our papers in his front paws . He was chewing on them like they were a T - bone steak . Ms . McGuire said that she never believed students who said their dog ate their homework , but now she does . After school , she told me she was giving me credit for the homework Domino ate . " " No , I don 't . " Amber smiled proudly . " Fortunately , Ms . McGuire had already graded the papers and recorded the scores . She said that anyone who had at least 75 percent on the homework would not have to do it again . Anyone who had less than that was going to have to do it again anyway . I got an 88 , so I 'm fine . " When she had finished her pancakes , Amber went back upstairs to get her book bag . She took a quick peek out the window to check on her bird family . Only two of the babies were in the nest . Amber was worried until she spotted another baby on a lower branch . " I guess you can fly now , " she said to the baby birds . " You 'll be flying away soon , won 't you ? " Amber arrived at school a little early . She went to her classroom and deposited a canvas bag in the back of the room . Then she went to meet Laura and Melissa on the playground . When Ms . McGuire called Amber 's name , she went nervously to the back of the classroom . There she retrieved her canvas bag . On it were the words " US Mail . " As she walked up the isle , she removed envelopes from the canvas bag and handed them , randomly , to some of the students . When she reached the front of the class , she noticed that her mother had come into the classroom and had taken an empty seat near the door . Amber tried to relax a little before beginning her report . She asked the first student , Samantha , to open the envelope . From the envelope , Samantha took a piece of paper . Amber asked her to please read what it said on the paper . When all the envelopes had been opened and read , Amber began her report . " Mail carriers deliver mail by walking a route or by driving a vehicle . The longest route is 176 miles and has 174 mailboxes . The shortest route is only two miles long and has 640 mailboxes . Mail is even delivered to the bottom of the Grand Canyon . " To be a mail carrier , you have to be eighteen years old . You can apply at the post office . Then you will have to take a test . The better you do on the test , the closer you will be to the top of the list . When there is a job opening , three names are chosen from the top of the list . Those people have to pass a physical . One person will be chosen for the job . " I wanted to bring something to show you , like everyone else did when they gave their reports . I decided to bring a real , live mail carrier . So here she is . This is my friend Betty Jenkins . She delivered the mail for thirty years in Kansas . " With that , Betty came forward . " I 'm glad Amber invited me to come here today , and I was so excited when she told me she was going to do her report on mail carriers . Some people call it snail mail because it is much slower than e - mail . But if you get a birthday card that has money or a gift card in it , you 'll be glad it came by US Mail . Amber asked me what I liked best about my job , and I told her it was meeting the people on my route . They were always glad to see me , even when I delivered bills or bad news . " When Betty finished talking , she asked if anyone had questions . Students asked her about being chased by dogs and delivering mail in bad weather . As Betty was talking , Amber looked at Ms . McGuire , who gave her two thumbs - up to say she had done a good job . Amber 's mom smiled at her as she walked to the front of the classroom . " Selling insurance may not sound like a glamorous job , " she began , " but there is more to it than just a bunch of paperwork . Insurance agents help families prepare for emergencies and plan for the future . We work closely with our clients to show them ways to best meet their needs . In doing this , we build relationships that last for many years . " Mary explained to the class about the requirements for becoming an insurance agent . She said that college was not necessary , but many agents have a business or finance degree . She told them that in order to be an agent , you had to pass a state test , just like a lawyer does . " Ms . McGuire asked me not to , " Mary said . " She thought it would make you nervous . I asked her to let me speak on the same day that you were giving your report so I could find out what your report was about . You did a very nice job . " Even though the boys had told them not to come to the senior center until ten o ' clock , the girls decided to show up at nine . It was a good thing they did because the Three Handy Guys were finished with the mowing and were planning to do the sweeping themselves . Spike was especially surprised to see the girls there so early and gave them a sheepish grin . Once again , Hank was there with his video camera . As the girls walked over , he began putting it away in its case . The Happy Helpers went to the garden shed where Walt had told them they would find three push brooms . They looked around in the shed for about ten minutes without locating the brooms . Behind the door , they saw some lines of dirt that looked like they could have been left by brooms that had been leaning up against the wall . They also noticed a handprint on the wall behind the place where the brooms might have been . " He probably took the brooms so we couldn 't use them , " Melissa said . " There are three old brooms back there . We could use those . " The girls ignored them all and started sweeping the walkways . The edges of the brooms were uneven , and lots of the straw was missing . That meant that they had to sweep the same area over and over . It took them more than an hour to complete the job . But when they were finished , they stood back and admired their work . " We just got here , " Laura told her . " We haven 't looked at the pond yet . " In spite of the spring rain showers , the pond was smaller than it had been the last time they were there . The girls were able to stand on rocks that had been submerged before . Now they could look into deeper parts of the pond . Amber had brought some Ziploc bags to hold any life - forms they wanted to take home for " research . " They spotted some tadpoles that had grown legs and some that were already tiny frogs . There were some other small fish they couldn 't identify . The girls filled the bags with what they could catch . " Maybe we can catch it . " Amber grabbed one of the bags and waded into the pond . She made several swipes at the bug , but it was too fast for her . Finally , she gave up and climbed out of the pond . " We did see this funny - looking bug , " Amber said . " It was sort of light brown with two long legs . I tried to catch it , but it was too fast . " " That 's a backswimmer , " Kyle told her . " It 's a good thing you didn 't catch it . It would sting you like a giant mosquito . " After school , the girls raced each other to the senior center . As usual , Melissa beat them , her longer legs giving her the advantage . Mrs . Snow showed the Happy Helpers the copy room where the shredder was located . She demonstrated how to use the shredder and stressed the importance of following the safety rules . Then she indicated several boxes that were stacked nearby . " I don 't expect you to do all of this today , " Mrs . Snow said . " Just do what you can . When the shredder canister is full , the shredder will automatically shut off . Unplug the shredder , take out the full bag , and replace it with a new bag . Plug the shredder back in , and you 'll be ready to go again . You can stack the full bags over there . " The girls took turns operating the shredder . One of them stacked the papers near the shredder . Another person would hand the papers a few at a time to the person feeding them into the shredder . When the container was full , they would open the door under the shredder and take out the full bag as Mrs . Snow had instructed . " Of course not , " Laura said , pretending to be shocked . " My dad 's a banker . Can you imagine if I was arrested for stealing from the Federal Reserve ? " " Well , we 're not , " Laura insisted . " Anyway , this just looks like a bunch of old invoices . They don 't even have names on them . " " I 'm not sure , " Laura told her . " I heard it in church . I think it means that doing what 's right makes you feel good , and that 's all the payment you need . " " I wouldn 't suggest that , " Melissa said . " She might think we did it ourselves . We 'd better try to figure out who is doing this . Maybe we can catch them in the act . " " You made the mess in the copy room while we were getting drinks . " Melissa pointed her finger at them . " That 's why you 're laughing . " Wednesday , the Happy Helpers rode their bikes to Doris Duncan 's right after school . Doris was obviously feeling better , though she was still using her cane . They followed the same routine as the previous Wednesday , carrying the plants one by one to the sink and returning them to their places once they were watered . When they were finished , the girls reminded Doris that she had promised to help them take some cuttings . " I have some jars here , " Doris said . " After you take cuttings from the plants you like , we 'll put them in some water in these jars . Then they 'll have to stay here for a few weeks until they have roots . After that we 'll plant them in some little pots that I have . " " We could cut some babies off of this spider plant . " Doris pointed to a plant with long , skinny light - green leaves . There were thin shoots coming out of the plant , and at the end of the shoots were tiny plants that looked just like the big one . " That 's just what we call them , " Doris explained . " The mother plant grows stalks , and tiny new plants grow at the end of the stalks . That 's where the flowers grow . " Doris helped the girls choose their babies . She had them put three little plants in each pot , just in case one might not survive . Then she showed them how to mist the soil . Doris invited the girls to sit down at the kitchen table . She brought out a tray with cut - up pieces of fruit and different kinds of cheeses . While they were enjoying their snack , they chatted about the Easter luncheon . " That 's kind of a sad story , " Doris began . " Gus and his wife , Barbara , were one of the first couples to move to Bluesky . They moved here from Ohio , I think . Gus and Babs , as everyone called her , were very outgoing and made friends with everyone in town . Their only son had been killed in Vietnam , so it was just the two of them . They were really the ones who got the senior center started . Gus went to all the businesses and organizations in Bluesky and even some in Marshallville to talk about donating money for the senior center . Babs kind of worked behind the scenes , making phone calls and keeping records . It took three years , but finally , the senior center was a reality . " " She died of cancer two years ago , " Doris continued . " Gus was really lost without her . I guess the senior center is what keeps him going . That 's why he 's there so much . " My name is Amber Nicole Snyder . I 'm in the fifth grade at Bluesky Elementary school . My teacher , Mr . Eller , asked our class to write about an important lesson we learned . This is my story . Last year my friends and I started a group to help at the senior center . We called our group the Happy Helpers . I liked helping people and it was fun getting to know the seniors . We did what we were supposed to do at the senior center , but things kept going wrong . We were getting blamed for things we didn 't do . I thought it was because of the boys who also helped at the senior center . I thought they were making it look like we messed up . I started doing things to make them look bad . What I learned was that the things I did hurt the seniors I wanted to help . But that 's not the most important lesson I learned . The people at the senior center gave me a second chance to do the right thing . They forgave me for what I did . I learned that people forgive each other because of love . I learned that God forgives us too because he loves us so much . But that is not the most important lesson I learned . Even though I was given a second chance , I still felt bad about what I did . My dad said that I had to forgive myself . That was what God wanted me to do . Everybody else forgave me and God forgave me , but I still had to forgive myself . Otherwise , that was like saying to my friends , " I don 't accept your forgiveness . " It was like saying to God , " I don 't accept your forgiveness . " That 's why I forgave myself and went back to being a helper at the senior center . That was the most important lesson I learned .

Melinda hated driving at night . She did her best to avoid it . Short trips to the store if she just realized she ran out of tampons or had nothing for dinner after getting home ; that sort of thing happened now and then . But she did her best not to go out after dark unless someone was coming to pick her up . As so many unpleasant things in her life , this was her father 's fault . She hadn 't seen or spoken to the bastard in fifteen years , but just after falling asleep tonight . . . no , that was wrong . It would be yesterday by this time . Out of the blue , her phone rang , and his voice was on the other end . The old ass was probably drunk , but he 'd never called her before , not since she was a child and he was still trying to convince her mother to take him back . It felt like she had been dreaming ; waking up to hear his voice again after all these years . It sounded like he was crying . His voice sounded just the same as the last time she 'd heard it . As though in a dream , she had risen , dressed , and gotten in the car . She was well out of town and halfway to his old place before realizing that she had no way of knowing if he even still lived there . She received updates from her mother from time to time over the years about where he was . The last time she heard from her mother about him was seven years ago . Had he ever stayed in one place that long ? Not to her recollection . She had been seven when her mother finally had enough and showed him the door . Prior to that , a move had come every few months . The house they had been living in was their longest stay in one place ; a full sixteen months . It turned into two years after that , and then the next house had been the one she left when she moved out on her own . In all that time , she heard from him sporadically at best , and had finally decided it was best to simply forget about him . She had found out after a two - hour drive that she had been right to wonder if he was still in the same place . His last known address was a sketchy apartment in a low - income area of the town she had grown up in . Had he been number 24 or number 42 ? Maybe he was 14 . It definitely had a four . It didn 't matter . His name wasn 't on any of the buzzers . The next thing she knew , she was on this lonely stretch of road . Cars were sparse , but she took some comfort in the fact that she would pass one every half - hour or so . Her dashboard clock now read 2 : 27 AM . She had been driving for more than five hours since leaving her house . At night . Every five minutes or so she checked her cell phone . Ever since realizing she was lost , she had checked her phone and found no bars at all . She even stopped at a ( closed , of course ) gas station , just sure there should be some service around here somewhere , but nothing . Take stock of your life , Mellie , she thought . You 're over thirty , you hate your job , you and your mother don 't get along , you haven 't seen or spoken to your father in just under half your life , you have no time for your friends or a relationship thanks to the aforementioned job you hate , and now here you are , trapped on a road you 've never been on before , at night , and you can 't even so much as call AMA let alone check Google Maps . Smart lady you are . She briefly considered stopping and flagging down the next car that passed . She quickly realized the futility of that plan . Any car on this road would also have no service . So there was nothing for it . She 'd have to drive until she saw a house . She 'd feel bad for waking someone up , but there was no choice . She needed to find her way back to the main highway . But so far , all that she could see on either side was trees . Mile after mile of trees . No lights shining through the boughs . No sign that anyone had ever been here before , except that there was a road , and people were obviously still driving on it . There weren 't even any road signs , other than the mile markers . Had she really found the middle of nowhere ? She was just in the middle of this thought when her headlights illuminated something just up the road ; a square , wooden sign , obviously made by someone other than the government . This wasn 't a gas / food / lodging sign , or a mile marker , or a distance - to sign . This looked like the kind of signs advertising a private business was nearby . She slowed down to read it : Next Exit ! Her heart sped up . She certainly wasn 't interested in spending a night at Granny Royce 's , but every business had a phone . At the very least , she 'd have a map , or know the way back to the highway . She decided she would stop there . She almost missed the turn . Granny Royce 's Road House was buried at the back of a long , dirt driveway , secluded amid the trees . She was almost past the little dirt " road " that led back to it before realizing it was there . She skidded to a stop and turned in . The little house lay ahead . It was two stories ; looked to have about eight to ten rooms . Big for a home but small for anything announcing room and board . She got closer and looked for a vacancy sign ; nothing . It wasn 't that the sign wasn 't lit ; there was no sign . The porch light was on , and the front of the building was illuminated by that light , and by her headlights . No signs of any kind . She almost wondered if she 'd gotten the wrong place , but she was certain that she had seen no other exits between this house and the sign announcing it . She paused in the driveway and took out her cell again . Still no service . She did a quick search for any available wireless signals . To her complete lack of surprise , there were none . Not even any secured . There 's no one here but me , she thought . At this point , she wouldn 't be surprised to find the house empty , as well . But the light was on , and this was supposed to be a road house . Someone would be manning the front desk . She got out of the car and headed for the front porch . As she turned around to make sure the lights flashed when she hit the lock button on her fob , she thought she could see a flash of movement in the trees . Something human - shaped . She stopped and looked again . Nothing . She decided she imagined it . At the front door , she hesitated . If it really was a road house than she should be able to just go on in . But what if she got the wrong house ? If she tried the door and just walked in , she could find herself arrested out here in Buttfuck , Nowhere . Cautiously , she tried the knob . It turned . She pressed gently on the door . It opened . Relief flooded through her when she saw that she was in a small , but tastefully decorated foyer that had obviously been re - purposed as an admissions area . A quaint desk with an honest - to - god guest book had been placed in the far right corner , and some chairs had been set out , along with magazines on a table . She read the titles briefly - - Mademoiselle , Blue Book , The New Country Life , Arts & Architecture - - before turning her attention to the little desk . There wasn 't a computer . That was a cute touch . It was like the house was from a past era . Perhaps old Granny Royce really didn 't like modern technology . There was , however , a little bell , just like there would have been in 1929 . It wasn 't even the round silver kind you slapped to ring ; it was a little porcelain hand - bell . This place was starting to out - cute her . Please let her have a phone , and please let it use the numberplan , not 50 's exchanges . She picked up the bell and gave it a shake . For a while , nothing happened . Then she saw a light come on in the back room , and the shadow of an old woman sprang up on the wall . The shadow moved toward her , and within a few seconds she saw its owner ; Granny Royce , who perhaps looked like every grandmother in every storybook ever . " Well , goodness me , " she said . " My lands . Good morning deary . Pardon my tardiness but it 's been a while since we got guests at this hour . Can I take your name , honey ? Granny Royce was smallish , her grey hair tied in a neat bun behind her head , a dress that would have looked like it belonged to a senior citizen in the twenties , and a faded pink sweater . Melinda thought that she looked just like she would have wanted her own grandmother to look like , but her mother 's mother had died when she was young , and she 'd never met her father 's mother . It almost hurt to deny this sweet little woman her business , but nevertheless , she had to get home . " Actually , I 'm sorry , " she began . " But the fact is I 'm lost . I 'm not even sure where I am in the direction of . . . " " Oh , you poor thing , " said Granny Royce . " You just sit down and let me fix you some tea , or something . You must be cold . " " Really , thank you , but I 'm okay , " Melinda said , gently . " I just need to use the phone , if I could , or if you 've got a map , even that would be lovely . I really only live a couple of hours from here . . . " She trailed off , not knowing if she was even right about that . She easily could have driven those five - plus hours in the wrong direction entirely . " Oh dear , " said the little woman , sadly . " I 'm sorry , honey , but the phone lines are down . As for a map , well . . . I used to have one , and if I look I still might , but it 's probably quite out of date by now . The highway moved since then , I know that much . " Melinda 's heart sank . How could her luck get any worse ? No phone , cell or land line , and no map . What could she do ? She had to get back home . She was expected to work at 8 AM tomorrow . And why were the phone lines down ? The weather was coldish but clear . Were they fixing a line nearby ? She told Granny Royce the name of her town , but Granny only said " Believe it or not , I 've never heard of that town . What did you say the name was ? " She told her again . " No , doesn 't ring a bell . I 'm sorry . But I could not say which direction it 's in . Why don 't you stay the night , sweetie . I 'll give you a discount for your trouble . " " Thank you . That 's very kind of you . But I have work tomorrow and I need to get back home . I 'm not even sure why I 'm out tonight . The only reason I had doesn 't seem to matter anymore . " " Honey , I wouldn 't advise trying to drive back that far tonight , " Granny Royce said . " Why , it 's almost three in the morning , and you 've not had any sleep . Maybe the lines will be up in the morning , and you can call your work and let them know you 'll be late . " " That won 't work , either , " she replied . " I 'm the opener . No one will be there . No , I 'm sorry , I 've really got to leave . I 'll head in the other direction until I find the road I was on . " At that , Granny Royce 's expression , already one of kind concern , seemed to shift somewhat , to one of fear . She paused , looking at Melinda as though she wanted to say something else to keep her inside . Finally she said , reluctantly , " Alright , honey , if you 're sure . Just you be careful , now . Don 't speak to nobody until you 're back on the road . " That last warning seemed a little silly . After all , what was Melinda , a little girl ? She thanked Granny Royce for her kindness and headed back to the car . About halfway to the car she remembered thinking she saw something moving in the trees . Her eyes scanned both sides of the secluded little cleared area she was in , looking for anything that appeared to be moving on its own , rather than being blown by the slight wind . She saw nothing . Satisfied , she headed for her car . All four tires were flat . Goddammit ! She leaned down and saw long slash marks on each tire . Someone in this little slice of Green Acres had slashed her tires in the time it took her to find out that she had no way of contacting anyone tonight . Kids from a local farmhouse , gotta be , she thought grimly . Nothing else to do , so you might as well go out at night and slash tires . She stopped and let the reality sink in . She wasn 't going anywhere tonight . She had no choice now ; she had to stay the night here until morning , when hopefully the phone lines would be up and she could call someone from work to ask them to go in for her , and then AMA to get her tires dealt with . She sighed , then walked back in the house . She could hear Granny Royce as she was walking back to her room . She had already turned off the lights . Resigned to her fate , Melinda rang the little bell again . " Yes , it 's me , " she answered . " Sorry to be a bother . My name is Melinda Orton . Sorry I never mentioned it before . I guess I will take a room for the night , if the offer 's still good . " " Oh , of course it is , deary , " said Granny Royce , re - entering the room and turning the lights back on . " Melinda . Oh , that 's such a pretty name , honey . Well . Let 's get you situated . You put your name and arrival time in the book there and I 'll get you a key . All the boarding rooms are on the second floor , and there 's only a couple left . " " Oh , yes , Miss Melinda . " Granny was puttering around in the adjacent room . " Mr . Norris , young Calvin , there 's a few of us here . " She came back out with a key in her hand . " Just out of curiosity , what made you change your mind ? " She seemed to brighten as she asked the question , as though relieved that Melinda would stay after all . Granny stopped suddenly , her face twisted with concern and worry . Then she resumed , as though nothing was wrong . " Nothing to be done for it , I suppose , " she said , with an err of sadness . " Oh , pay that no mind , honey , " said Granny . " That 's just Mr . Norris . He 's been like that a while . Older man , you understand . Not all there . " She tapped her temple . How does he pay for room and board ? " I guess he doesn 't drive , " she said to the old woman . " Actually , it doesn 't look like anyone else here has a car . " Granny started at this , looking up with an almost guilty expression . " Oh , well , " she said . " That kind of thing is the business of the guests . I don 't ask about such things . " She turned the key in the lock of the room she had led Melinda to , and opened the door . Turning on the light , she showed Melinda the quaint little room . Melinda thought it looked like stepping into the past . She could swear this room would have looked modern in the early fifties , at the earliest . Come to think of it , so could the rest of this place , she thought . No wireless service , no computer , that old bell . And those magazines , they looked new , but . . . That thought was cut off as Granny put the key on the nightstand and started in with instructions . " Now , the bathroom is down the hallway there . You 'll be sharing with the whole floor , so please bare that in mind if you have to go . There 's a shower schedule on the door , as well . First come , first serve . You just add your name to the first available line and that 's the order the showers are in . I wouldn 't worry about that , if I were you , though . I 'm sure you 'll be first in line . I get up at 6 AM sharp every morning and start breakfast , but you come on down whenever you 're ready and I 'll whip something up for you . Oh , and one last thing , my dear . I would strongly advise you not to leave the house until sun - up . You just never know what could happen out there . In the dark . " After a few moments , she was alone . Alone , without anything to wear to bed , and nothing to shower , brush her teeth , or hair with in the morning . She sat on the bed and looked out the window , which faced front . Her car still sat where she had left it , the only thing for miles that seemed like part of her world . And an expensive , over - large paperweight until I can get a hold of someone , she thought bitterly . Despite the homeyness of the room , she felt an unwillingness to rise and shut off the light . Somehow the thought of going to sleep in this backward little room seemed unthinkable . So instead , she continued to sit and stare out the window . A figure in black detached itself from the shadows of the trees and made its way to her car . The hell ? ! She jumped up and ran at the window . The figure was tall , and seemed to be wearing a cloak made of night . She saw as its arm extended . In its hand was a long , jagged dagger . It dragged the dagger across the side of her car , leaving a long gash - mark in the paint and metal . " Hey ! " she shouted . The figure kept dragging the dagger . She reached for the window to open it . It wouldn 't budge ! She looked for a lock , but couldn 't see one . " Hey ! " she yelled again . This time the figure raised its head . She could see the glint of two eyes under the hood . The figure raised the dagger , slowly , determinedly . It pointed it straight at her face . She leaped away from the window and ran for the door . A noise on the other side stopped her . Footsteps . Dragging , shambling footsteps . And crying . The sound of a person for whom deep , longing sadness is a way of life . Mr . Norris ! She waited . Somehow , she just felt that she should let the old man pass before she opened the door . Before he got very far , however , she heard other footsteps , these much quicker and lighter , run up the stairs and stop near the door of her room . " Stop it ! " hissed Granny Royce . " Go back in your room right now ! You know better . She can 't see you yet . Hopefully she won 't have to at all . Now you go back in there . You 've got no business being out at this hour anyway . " What on Earth ? How could that sweet old woman talk to another human that way , let alone an old man with a foggy mind ? She almost opened the door right then , but somehow her hand stopped , and waited until the shuffling , crying man had made his way back down the hallway . She heard his door open . She opened her own door just in time to see his foot , shod in a well - worn house - shoe , slide into his room . The door closed softly after him . That poor man , she thought . But now she was determined to find out what was going on . The punk outside in the Halloween costume slashing up her car , followed by Granny yelling at an old man , made her begin to understand that not all was well here . She went back down to the front desk area , which was completely unlit except for the moonlight and porch light coming through the window . There was , however , a light on near the back room that Granny Royce had emerged from before . Melinda paused to take a look outside the front window . The maniac with the dagger was nowhere to be seen for the moment , but she was now determined that it was he that she had seen moving through the trees . He could have killed me ! Instead , she found Granny sitting with a young man of about twenty . He had dark hair , and a scruff of stubble , and was wearing a dark brown corduroy shirt and khaki 's , along with a pork - pie hat . He looked like he was ready to go sell newspapers on a street - corner in the thirties . He was quietly sipping tea while Granny was admonishing him from the other end of the table . " That 's a laugh , talking about my age , " muttered the young man with a sneer . " And just how old are you ? Do you even remember ? " " Calvin Davidson , you are trouble , young man , " she hissed back . Neither had noticed Melinda yet . " One of these days you 're going to say something you 'll regret . " " Oh , come on , Granny , what could I possibly say that will make things worse than they already are ? " demanded Calvin . " I mean , look at old Mr . Norris up there ! Both of us are ol . . . um , hullo , miss . I didn 't know we had anyone else here . " He had just seen Melinda . " Uh , hi , " she said . She had the feeling she 'd walked in on an old argument the two of them had had many times , and that did not concern her . Her fear and anger were forgotten for the moment . Calvin had been talking to Granny like a sullen kid , but something about what they were saying seemed . . . wrong . That brought her back . " No , " she said . " The room is fine . But nothing else is ! I mean , what on Earth do you even have a road house out here where it seems like no one ever stops ? Why are most of the rooms full even though mine is the only car out there ? Why did I hear you talking to Mr . Norris like he was a dog ? And why would you want to make sure I didn 't see him ? " She got no further before Calvin cut her off . " Good lord , she 's not even been here a night and she can see it . Why did you even let her in , Granny ? Why don 't you just bolt the door ? Hell , if I could go take down that sign don 't you think I would have , by now ? Lord love a duck . " " And besides that , there 's someone out there ! He 's the freak who slashed my tires and he 's been out there messing up my car since then ! And you can 't even call the police ! Are you gonna tell me you 've never had vandals out here before ? " There was a long pause in the room . Neither Granny , nor Calvin , seemed willing to break it . Calvin scratched at his neck . For the first time , Melinda noticed a red slash at his throat , half - hidden by his collar . It looked like either a very fresh scar or a slightly healed wound . Melina did not like how he said that . She also didn 't like the way his tone had switched from sullen child to serious adult . He looked several years her junior , but he was talking to her like he was her uncle , or her boss . He swallowed a sip of tea , and sighed . Then he looked her straight in the face and said : " The reason I don 't have a car out there is that when I got here , no one my age , in my line of work , would have owned a car . It would have seemed like an impossible dream . " " I worked in a textile mill , " he said . " The mill was shut down by the time I got here . Most businesses were . So I struck out on my own ; a drifter looking for what work I could find . And I stopped here . Forever . " " This place was new , then , " said Granny . " My man and I had just opened it . And young Mr . Calvin was a sweet young lad of sixteen . I offered to take him on as hired help over my husband 's objections . Well , my husband was a well - meaning man , but he knew how to pinch a penny . T ' was a year after I took Calvin on that Mr . Royce died . Calvin and I have been here ever since . And every few years or so , someone joins us . " " Yep , " Calvin broke in . " Miss Tillie was first ; she was a woman of ill repute who ran here , pregnant and scared that the man who 'd run her trade up in New York was gonna find her and kill her . She and that baby . . . " He broke off , now seeming on the point of tears . " Mr . Norris got here in ' 69 , " said Calvin . " His story is probably the worst . He was a . . . well , he was a bank - robber , you see . Carried a pistol . And he didn 't like learning how long we 'd all been here . " He paused , stood and walked to the kitchen window . " He tried to leave on his own , you see . He ain 't the first to try it . That was me , actually . I warned him not to try , but he wouldn 't listen . But when he got outside . . . and he met him . . . " " She 's not going to wait until morning , " said Calvin , with some remorse in his voice . " No one ever waits until morning . The fact that she came down here is proof enough of that . Besides , what good would that have really done her ? Her car is useless . We have no phones here . There was no phone when this place went up , and there won 't never be a phone here . You know that . " " Okay , everyone , stop ! " Melinda shouted . " That 's enough ! Now , you can 't keep me prisoner here , and I have no intention of staying any longer . Only that knife - wielding maniac out there is keeping me from running up the road this minute ! Now , I need to know what 's really going on here and I need to know it now ! " " We 've been telling you , " Calvin said . " Granny may not want you to know everything , but you need to . Because you won 't be leaving . Oh , we 're not trying to keep you prisoner . I don 't even care if you run out that door right now . But you 'll never leave this house again afterward . " " Listen , child ! " said Granny , rising from her spot at the table . " Listen , please ! None of us mean you harm , my dear , not even Mr . Norris . There 's scant he can do anymore , and he knows it . That 's why he 's up there crying all the time . But we 're stuck here , all of us . I hoped there was a chance for you to run for it in the morning , but Calvin 's right . There 's no guarantee you 'd be safe in the morning , anyhow . " " What . . . the . . . hell . . . is wrong with this place ! ? " choked out Melinda . She was beginning to break down . she could feel the tears welling in her eyes . " It was about a month after Mr . Royce died , " said Calvin . " When he came . He was wearing that long , black robe , and carrying that ridiculous dagger . I saw him when I was trimming the hedges in the back . I told him he needed to get out of here , because I didn 't like his look . He . . . he moved so fast I never saw it coming . And he got me , from here . . . " Calvin touched his neck . " To here . " He touched his lower abdomen on the opposite side from the neck slash . He began to undo his shirt . Melinda almost vomited . Under his shirt was a long , ugly slash that went deep . . . and was still seeping blood . She could see bone , muscle and intestines wriggling within that mangled ruin . " I died that night , " said Calvin . " But then I didn 't . The next thing I knew , I was being dragged into the house by Granny , and when I woke up I nearly scared her to death . She was sure that I was gone . The thing is , I was . But I was awake . I could talk , walk , do anything I could while alive . Well , except take any enjoyment or nourishment from food or drink anymore . I still drink that tea because it keeps my skin from turning ash - grey . I learned that about fifty years ago . " " He didn 't go away , though , " Granny broke in . " I went out to deal with him , carrying my axe . He took my axe and buried it in my back . I won 't show you the wound , honey . Calvin shouldn 't have shown you his , either . No one should have to see it . " " But that 's how he works , Melinda , " continued Calvin . " He 's got that knife , but if you try to use a weapon on him , he just . . . moves like he does and takes it from you . You never stand a chance . He 'll use whatever weapon you try to take him down with to end you . Mr . Norris learned that the hard way . " " This . . . this is not happening ! " Melinda was ready to break down . She had to hold it together . She had to get out of here , somehow . Nothing about this was right . Nothing about it could be real . It was all a dream ; too much didn 't make sense . Her father calling her out of the blue . Her leaving to go to him without a second thought . Getting lost so quickly , and so irreversibly . No cell phone service anywhere on this road . This place , everything about it ! She was dreaming ; that had to be it . But if so , she was gonna survive this dream . She turned and ran for the stairs . Her purse was still in her room , but she was going to grab it and go . She 'd had enough . Protesting voices began babbling behind her ; she cared not one whit . Contrary to Granny Royce 's description of him , he was not old at all . No more than about forty . But she saw instantly what she meant by " not all there " . The lower half of his face was a ruin of bone fragments , shredded muscle and blood . So much blood . His left side was similarly destroyed . His arm hung on a few hanging strings of muscle , his hip was just as much a mess of bone and blood as his face was . He kept his one good hand on the bannister as he shuffled toward her . " They 're not going to hurt you , " he said quickly . " But he will . If you step out for so much as a moment , he will kill you , and it will hurt . And it will go on hurting . Forever . After a while you learn to function with the pain , but it never goes away . " " We don 't know , " said Granny , from behind Calvin . " He just . . . came here , and he won 't go away . He likes to watch us , and do things to incite us to come out again . As soon as someone does , he hurts them more . But no matter how many times he kills us , we don 't die . Believe me when I say , we all wish we could . " He was standing on the porch . The knife was held out in front of him , just at face - level . Melinda ran into him at a rush , the knife puncturing her right eye and its tip sliding on through , out the other side . She just managed to see the grinning , pure - white face of her killer , before everything went black . Kai VenusMay 9 , 2013 at 4 : 03 PMWill there be a sequel ? I really love this story , the descriptions are so gory and awesome ! ! ReplyDeleteGreyMaskMay 10 , 2013 at 5 : 11 PMYou 've written an excellent story here ! Kudos ! ReplyDeleteJoshMay 22 , 2013 at 1 : 03 PMThanks , guys . I 'm glad to know you liked it . I 'm currently in the process of finishing a novel , and these stories are meant to be one - shot efforts aimed mainly at just providing the ' net with more horrific goodness . At the moment , I don 't plan on writing a sequel to this one , but you never know ! ReplyDeleteLindsayKMay 24 , 2013 at 3 : 31 PMWow . I love this ! ! Nice job ! ! ! ReplyDeleteCraig GroshekJanuary 20 , 2014 at 12 : 18 AMGreat story ! We 'd like to feature it on our website , Josh . Could you contact us to discuss ? www . chillingtalesfordarknights . comReplyDeleteJosh ParkerFebruary 3 , 2014 at 7 : 57 AMHey , Craig , I replied to you through your website . I would love it if you used my story . Go right ahead . ReplyDeletebubbleMarch 26 , 2014 at 2 : 50 PMDarn it Jeff , stop gaining supernatural powers . ReplyDeleteAdd commentLoad more . . .

I am a 42 year old woman that is about as happy and content as one person can be . My husband of 21 years and our 15 year old daughter live on five and a half acres out in the country . We moved from the city four years ago and never looked back . I homeschool our daughter . We also love our animals . Our daughter has a miniature horse and two rabbits . We also have a border collie , two cats ( again ) , two pot belly pigs , four peafowl , three emus , 2 llamas and an undetermined number of chickens , lets just say ohhh about 200 . I have many breeds , from layers to fancy chickens . I love poultry shows , I love fowl in general as I have come to find out through having more than just chickens . Chickens will always be my first love though . I do show some of my birds occasionally . MMMmmmmmm . . . . can you smell that ? That is the smell of my pot roast in the crock pot cooking away all day . That is one good thing about cold weather . One pot warm meals . . . chicken and dumplings , chili and cornbread , pot roast . What do you like to fix for a warming meal in the winter ? I broke down and turned the heat on yesterday . I couldn 't stand it anymore . I was chilled down to the bone . It got down in the thirties here last night so I had to have it on anyway . The cotton is gone , the wind is brisk , the leaves are falling , the days are growing ever shorter . I guess I have to face it , its fixing to get cold and dark , period . I guess that just makes me appreciate Spring and Summer all the more . Well , I got two answers about the rooster . One person said that it was rare and he had never actually seen it , but if a chicken tries to vomit the crop may come with it . Then this afternoon I got another response from a man that asked a man he knew that is a Poultry Science teacher and a Poultry Veterinarian . He says that it is a prolapsed esophagus . How this comes about I have no idea , but I did ask him , so we will see what he says . Its five o ' clock , time to go outside and do some things , feed and water some critters , cover some more pens , this and that . See y ' all tomorrow . Posted by I sure do have my hours turned around . . . I should be asleep . I did stay up long enough to watch Heroes , but I should have been sleepy afterwards . . . but was not . Cleaned up the kitchen and folded some laundry . Now I am feeling a bit sleepy , but it is almost 11 : 30 . . . so that will put me at about four and a half hours of good sleep before I have to wake Ian up for work . . . which is just not enough , so once again I will go back to sleep from six a . m . til Phoenix decides to rise and shine . . . which has been anywhere from 8 to 9 a . m . Is he spoiled or what ? Roosters outside have been crowing for three hours and here he is sleeping in . I can 't blame him . . . I mean it is cold out there in the early morning light , why not just stay under the covers and in the pillows ( yes , literally for him ) where it is warm and dark . I don 't mind him waking later . . . he is a good snooze button for me . Anyway , on with the weekend happenings . Sunday we got up and Karen and I fixed eggs , bacon , sausage , grits , and brown sugar and cinnamon toast with honey . . . with either milk or OJ to drink . After breakfast we discussed this and that . . . eventually I had to make the planner out for school for this week so the kids were playing games and Karen slipped off to sleep on the couch into a nice naptime . I made the most of it and got most of the planner done . I finished study sheets this morning for History , Geography and Science . Later I set up the cake and we sang a Happy Birthday to Shelby . . . had yummy cake and icecream . Soon after Karen and Tiffany had to be going . Tiffany had some studying to do and I think some homework . I sent them home with two dozen eggs , two big jars of kosher pickles and some cake . After they left I started on supper . . . and the rest of the day was business as usual . I did get a single pen covered and almost all of the row of five pens covered for wintertime . We have no cover here so it is essential that I button up the pens against the cold and winter . I don 't use any flimsy tarp either . I get the heavy duty stuff . It can get really windy here and combined with the cold it could kill smaller chickens like my Serama . I will be getting one of those 250 watt heat bulbs to hang , probably two . . . since I have two pens full of Serama out there now . Speaking of which I have to get pictures of the newbies . Still havent done that . I will see about doing that in the next day or two . I do have a bit of sad news . My young Golden Phoenix rooster of five months old is going to pass on with my help . I don 't know what happened . He was fine last night when I fed and watered . Today about noon I went out to check on everyone and I found a horror . I will spare you the pictures I took of this as weak stomaches may not make it through seeing it . I took the pictures to try to get some feedback on a few chicken people friends and a chicken message board , but so far no one can tell me what has happened . You ask what happened . Well , quite frankly it looks as if he threw up his insides . . . his crop at least anyway . The crop is the first place food goes before it goes to the stomach . . . it is a kind of shall we say " waiting room " for the food to go on down the pipeline . It is hangin out of his mouth and there is nothing I can do for him . . . and no one can tell me why on earth such a thing would happen . There will be no recovery from this I imagine . So I will put him down out of mercy and it is the humane thing to do . He is suffering terribly I am sure . On a lighter note . . . goodness I didnt mean to get so down . On a lighter note Halloween is just around the corner . Lots of candy and trick or treating in the square , games and a costume contest . Small town fun . . . I love it . We never did find Shelby a girl pirate costume she really wanted or liked so I guess she will just have to wear the one from last year , which was a pretty costume , nothing wrong with it , she just wanted to be something else . She is not too bummed about it though thank goodness . She is already planning next years Halloween ! She wants to dress up as Hanna Montana . . . go figure . . . lol . Had a good weekend . Saturday Karen and Tiffany came to spend the weekend . Karen and I left Shelby and Tiffany to their own devices for a little while while we went to go pick up Shelbys cake . Picked her up a few last minute things . She needed something to open after all . She got her Spyro game and her hair done up , but you have to have something left to get . : ) I got her a Hanna Montana / Miley Cyrus poster . I had a little stuffed black horse stuck back I got from Tractor Supply . Its head moves up and down , tail wiggle and it walks , sorta bumps along with a little snorty sound . She loved it of course . I got a High School Musical gift bag that had a little place on it you push and it plays a song from what else . . . High School Musical . ; ) A nice Daughter Birthday card from Ian and I too of course . Saturday evening we went out to Sonny BBQ and stuffed our faces right and proper with lots of meat . I had seen a sign , but you know how you see something and it is in and out of your sight and mind before you really have time to think about it . It was a handmade sign that read " Nightmare On The Mountain " " V . M . F . D . " . . . . Tiffany and Karen said we ought to go . Well that would be fine , except there was nothing else on the sign . . . . that would let someone know where it was . What was VMFD ? We all sat in the truck on the way home trying to figure it out . About two miles from home I blurted out " Vinson Mountain Fire Department ! " Ian said that was a good one , but he didnt know that the mountain in Rockmart had its own fire department . We got home and looked it up on the internet and found they have this thing every year on the mountain . . . and yes , they do indeed have a fire department ! So we took off up the road for the VMFD . . . lol . Got there and of course buying the tickets was for a good cause , the fire department would use it for new equipment that was needed and such . At ten bucks a pop that was alright . They had a really cool little set up . We had to stand in line for a while , it was a bit breezy and cool but we survived . We had a bunch of fifty something adults come up behind us , thirteen of them to be exact . . . and the man heading up the line was stinking and I DO mean STINKING ass drunk . He smelled like he had been dipped in whiskey . . . ugh . . and loud mouthed . . . foul mouthed . Even the other mildly drunk people with him told himto hold it down that there were kids ( Shelby and Tiffany ) right in front of him . Then he went to smoking a cigarette right there in the line , even though his friends told him there were No Smoking signs everywhere . I was afraid with all his bumping and bobbing around he was going to end up burning someone with his cigarette . As we got up to the front of the line . . . as I suspected they were sending groups through the haunted woods , and we were going to have the misfortune of going with Mr . Drunkie . OH NO , not gonna happen . I informed one of the guides that we would like the five of us to go without the drunk crowd behind us . The drunk crowd wanted to go all together anyway . . . so they took five more folks from behind them and put us all together . . . thank goodness . It was cool ! There was lots of folks jumping out at you , lots of banging and the whole trail was webbing with dead leaves hanging down from some of the webbing to drag across the top of your head . . . creepy crawly feeling ! Lots of fog and strobe lights . . . I LOVED it , they had someone dressed as Micheal Myers and started the music from Halloween . . . you know , the movies . He was great ! After that there was Freddy . . . but he was only as tall as me . . . lol . . and I am five foot four , so he just wasnt that intimidating . . . I was a little disappointed as that was my teenage scary movie favorite . His costume was great though . . . his knives on his gloves were even metal and klinked together . It wasnt really scary scary . . . but is was FUN scary . Must have been a lot of fun cause we all talked about it all the way home and then pulled out some old Freddy and Halloween movies soon as we hit the door . ; ) I reckon this will be my last entry for the week . We have company coming for Shelby Saturday and I need to get on things around here . You know how it goes , got to get things clean and straight for company . I wanted to leave you with some past pictures of the girls before we moved . We used to take a couple of the girls to Petsmart with us . The buff orpington here with Shelby is Sweetie Pie . She was always so well behaved . We had a price range in mind when we looked at the houses for sale we thought we were interested in . Something was always wrong , and I mean bad wrong with the property when we got there . One had a stagnant swamp out back . . . a perfect rectangular one . Someone had tried to make a pond . When it rained , you guessed it , it flooded the back area . The house was nice , but who wants to live with 10 billion mosquitos and their babies squirming in that water ? Another one USED to have a pond in the front yard . It was five acres , but there was one area that was always muddy . All the houses on higher ground had a run off , and it all came to a halt in this yard . Not to mention there were railroad tracks wrapping around the back half of the property within spitting distance . Can you imagine the noise ? We get a LOT of trains through this area . About one every thirty minutes at night . We had picked out all these houses to look at online , but always found disappointment when we got there . These two stuck out in my mind just now . Finally we decided we were just going to have to bite the bullet and up the price we were going to pay . When we did , all things came together almost instantly , almost . We had to go through a couple of overpriced houses that werent worth the money , or one I found that I absolutely loved that had already been sold . I still think about that house . . . have a picture of it , let me see if I can find it . Paula , you know what , your admission would have been a great idea for kids , BUT , I had to keep my flock as secret as I could . It was not legal to have any chickens in the city limits of Forest Park . I knew the Animal Control lady well , and she did turn a blind eye , but she told me if anyone ever complained , well , I would have to do something about it . Luckily no one ever complained . We had a lot of latinos in the area , and not to stereotype , but they do love fresh chicken , and I didnt want any of my girls missing and ending up going to dinner permanently . Some of the kids around there were not too trustworthy and very well could have stolen one just for the fun of it had they known about them . So , I kept it quiet and did a pretty good job up until just before we moved . I had a huge yard sale and well , lots of those folks ended up seeing one or two girls that wandered up to see what the excitement was . Donna , you know my story well . Donna is the one that got me into journaling . You see , when I first got internet way back when I frequented a Country Living Forum . I had country living in my heart years before we were able to move , so I was a wannabe I guess you could say for a long time . People come and go on a forum . Things and people change . Long story short , believe it or not , once I was actually moved to the country it seemed I was not as accepted in the forum . I was inexperienced at this new life , but I thought I would fit in better . I didnt , so Donna helped me to move on . Fern was also very encouraging and I have them both to thank for putting me in Jland . I really do love it here more than I ever did at that forum . So thank you Donna , and thank you Fern . : ) There had been a house listed for a while . . . I had seen it on the listings several times . . . and so had Ian . Ian said he dismissed it because it had a paved driveway . Even though it was five and a half acres . . . he thought with a paved driveway it MUST be right up by the road . I really like the house . It had everything we wanted and more . I big front porch , a screened in back porch , lots of open land , a garage . I wanted to see it . So I called our agent . She went out to look at it and called me back right away . She said we better get out to that house RIGHT NOW and look at it . She said it was not right by the road and it was perfect , but it was hot , and a lot of people were looking at it , so we hopped in the truck and came out right away . This was it . We were home . It even had a pool . A dream home . Shelby could have the whole upstairs to herself . It had two bedrooms , one for a playroom , one for a bedroom . Had a complete bathroom upstairs . Wonderful . Her own little retreat . Downstairs all the rooms were huge compared to what we were used to . We didnt necessarily want more rooms , just bigger spacious rooms . It had that , and so much more . Oh it was just perfect . I had been packing anything and everything we could do without for months , so moving was not a problem . With a few friends and a big UHaul truck we had everything moved in two days . I had prepared for this day and here it was . I had even made that chicken house to where I could disassemble it easily from the corners of the walls and easily transport it to our new home , now thats thinking ahead . As of April 1st , 2005 we were the proud new owners of our dream home that we will be in til Ian retires , in the country . We had arrived . Here in this picture above is the only house that I really loved before we found our house now . The only reason I like this one better was because it had fencing , but we have fencing now , so it doesnt matter . This one was sold and when I pulled up they were moving in already . Thought I would do another entry on the past . How I came to have and love so many chickens . I haven 't done one since I talked about the Black Austrolorps and the Barred Rocks went outside . As usual I put the new ten in a holding area that was attached to the end of the existing run . Doing this gives the older girls time to investigate the newer girls without there being a lot of squabbling and hen pecking . After a couple of weeks I let them out and put them all together . There was very little arguing amongst the new and old . I was glad to see my plan had worked . Winter came . . . we were looking looking looking at houses . We started out looking down south on I75 . . . no , just too much development . We would be crowded out in no time and besides Ians commute would be pure and simple hell with five million of his closest friend going north to Atlanta on I75 , and there is a wreck guaranteed almost every morning to slow you up . Then we tried looking out towards where his Dad lives . . . after much debate and not finding what we were really looking for we decided against that as the Newnan area was growing up by leaps and bounds too . Well , there was West . . . towards Alabama . . but we would have to go past Paulding County . It has exploded with growth in the past ten years . Okay . We found an agent exclusive to that area . She was great . We had five houses lined up to look at that next weekend . We looked at all , but none were just right . Now back to the chickens . I knew we were getting close . We had the money to get the house . . . we just had to find it . It was just going to be a matter of time before we found that right place . So . . . about the end of January new chicks came in to the local feed store . This time he had the cutest little chicks , so cute you just couldnt help it , you had to have them . So I got five . Five americauna chicks . These are the kind that lay blue or green eggs . I have had both colors come out of these hens . So , here they are in the box still from bringing them home . So . . . total head count including these . . . twenty five chickens . . . in the city limits . . . in a neighborhood . ( GRIN ) Good Thursday morning . : ) I have a smile on this morning because the sun is shining out there this morning . It is crisp and cool , but I dont mind as long as the sun is shining . We had three days of rain . . . and even though we need it . . . I like it to take breaks in between so we can have a little sunshine . Yesterday Shelby and I had her and appointment to get her her first perm . She turned thirteen yesterday ! So grown up . So we got there and they couldnt do it . You see , if you look in the pictures of her , like with the llama at the fair , she has heavy blonde streaking in her hair . She likes for me to do that to her hair , and it does look good , but evidently the combination of perming and that bleach frost in her hair will cause her bleached parts to fall out , burn up . Now I don 't know about any of you , but when I was a teenager and in my early twenties I got perms , and I had my hair blonde all the time . . . I bleached , use hair color , all of that , got perms . My hair never fell out . But , rather than take a chance , having to sign a waiver that we wouldnt sue them if her hair fell out in order for them to do it , we will wait and let the frosting grow out , and then get a perm , if that is what Shelby wants . She still got her hair layered and trimmed up so it looks a lot better . I told her if she wanted to get some hot rollers or a curling iron I would help her and show her how to use them . Might look at that today when we go to get groceries at Walmart . The big thing I liked about a perm was you could wash and just let it dry , pick it out some and go . So then we went to Gamestop . Shelby is a big gamer , She has all those systems , Wii , PSP , Nintendo DS , PS2 , and so on . She picked out the newest Spyro the Dragon game for Wii . She also bought another game we had been looking for for some time , she bought that herself with her allowance money . Got home and she popped in her new games and played away , happy as could be . I was going to take some pictures of her getting her first perm , but I guess that will have to wait , if she still wants one . So that was how we spent her birthday . She will be ordering a cake today for Saturday . Last year we had a BUNCH of folks over , with a BUNCH of her friends . It was fun at first , but then the two girls , the twins . . . they get kind of out of control , really hyper , and that got everyone else hyper . Long story short there was much screaming and yelling , doors slamming , and before it was over someone got their hand slammed in the door and one of Shelbys beds got broken . They were jumping up and down on the twin and the full , the twin had a wooden frame and well , it broke . I was pretty pissed . Not to mention the upstairs looked like a tornado had hit it . So this year I told her to pick someone she really wanted to have over to spend the night for the weekend and we would all go out to eat where ever she wanted to go , have cake and hang out . So Tiffany and Karen are coming over . She decided on Sonnys BBQ all you can eat ribs for supper . So we are ready for the weekend . Well its official . . . Fall is here . The cotton is gone , the fields look so barren . Ian and I were talking about it , and when this happens it is a sign that Summer is really gone . . . thats it . . . its all over . Here are a few pictures of them harvesting the cotton . They were pretty quick about it this year so I almost didnt get any pictures . Cotton picker above and a closer shot right by our fence below . . . Next two pictures are the bin they dump the collected cotton into . . . then they pound it down with that red arm thing you see . . . it is SO loud . BAM BAM BAM . . . all day . I didnt get any pictures of the baled and covered cotton as soon as they did it they had a truck come in and scoop it up and take it away . Good afternoon . It is raining here . . . and raining . The wind is blowing too . I sure wish it would slack off some for a little while . I know we need it though . I need to go to the feed store but I don 't see myself driving in this . Maybe it will slack off soon . Time to get out the muck boots I reckon . I got sticker shock when I called the Tractor Supply in Hiram . They keep Bermuda Hay when they have it available , really clean good horse quality . Last year it was six dollars a bale . When I called to see if they had some because it is time to get Derby some for the winter now that the grass has gone dormant . It is now ten dollars a bale ! I should have expected it because with the drought there has not been a good hay season for most . Got to have it , so I will pay it . Better get as much as I can now too as I don 't know how long they will have it in stock . I got a question for horse owners . Why does Derby stand out in the wind and rain ? Its obvious he doesnt like it . He backs up and paws the ground showing his dislike for it all . Why doesnt he go into his barn where it is dry ? We are going to have to finish up the front of his house I guess and put him in it when it is raining and at night when it is cold . It isnt cold here right now , but I know sooner or later it will be and he cant stand out in the cold and rain like that . Why doesnt he have the good sense to go inside ? Even the pigs know to go in their house during the rain . Even the chickens take shelter . Why doesnt Derby ? This is the last entry for the fair pictures . When we got there and Dewey started his show he informed everyone that Tip ( that is my Tips Daddy ) did not make it through the summer . In July he began to cough up blood and he said he knew it was time . So he had him put down . It was actually quite miraculous that Tip lasted as long as he did considering when it was discovered he has cancer that he was only supposed to live a few more months at the time . He got another year and a half or so before the cancer took him over . He was a good dog , dedicated and loved to work . Sometimes I think that is what kept him alive longer is his obsession with working the sheep . He had a notebook for everyone to sign their names that always came to see Tip every year . We signed it of course . He says the fairgrounds will have a plaque made up with his name on it in honor of him and have it placed for everyone to see when they come to the fair . Dewey has another dog now . She is a Kelpie . A little known breed , there are only about 2500 in the US . It is an Australian breed . . . supposed to be a mix of border collie and dingo he says . You just thought that border collies were hyper . . . this dog was so gung ho I thought she was just going to explode where she stood . . . lol . She is only seven months old and he is still working with her so she is not ready to be working fully yet . I have a high school education . It is no secret . I didn 't want to go to college . When senior year students were asked what they were their goals for the future mine was not a typical answer . I wanted to be a mother and a wife . I wanted to be what they call today a homemaker . I am pretty good at it these days too . The reason I mention my level of education is because I am in fact just average . I don 't consider my self worldly or scholarly . I think I am a reasonably intellegent person . I am still learning things today , so my mind is not stagnant . For someone not to know first grade basics as an adult still floors me , even though I know it is out there , but a WHOLE FAMILY OF THREE GENERATIONS ? But wait , let me explain before I get ahead of myself . I would not expect someone from another country to know or really care how many states there are in the United States , nor would I expect them to know and name each and every state . I would expect someone that has been raised in the US and is a typical American to know these things . Especially how many states there are . So what am I talking about . Well , on the way back from the fair we stopped at Broadway Diner in Stockbridge . It is a very nice diner that has any kind of food you can think of from Breakfast food toGreek to American to Mexican cuisine . A very unique place . Ian , Shelby and I were sitting there at our table eating our meal when a family caught our attention in the corner booth . You just about couldnt help but hear their conversation because it was just so . . . . well , DUMB . There was Grandma and Grandpa , Mom and Dad , and a girl , a teenager . Out of all these folks , there was a thirty fourty minute conversation that went something like this . Now I hope she didnt go back there and ask . I am thinking she went back there to tell what a bunch of nincompoops were at her table . This went on and on . . . Ian and I kept raising our eyebrows at each other and laughing quietly . He tried to debate with me , but I was having none of it . I told him there were in fact fifty states . I knew at one time Puerto Rico had tried to become part of the US , but it didnt happen . So Ian goes to pay the check . We wait about ten or fifteen minutes for these ninnies to straighten out who was going to pay what and squabbling over what who was going to pay and who was not going to pay for this . . . on and on . Finally our waiter came up and took Ians check and got us out of there . Now if I sound snooty or self righteous I am not trying to come off like that at all . I just could not believe that basic information about where you live is not known by people that live here . Even immigrants coming into the country legally have to take a test . . . and I bet that is probably one of the questions they have to know . The rabbit exhibit was set up where it was kind of hard to get any good pictures . Last year I took a lot of pictures but because of the wire they have to put around the cages to keep little poking proding fingers out it takes away from the pictures . . . so I just took a few . The Dutch rabbit was in the petting box so I could get a good picture of that one . Remember that black and white cat that Tip chased up that tree ? Well , it has been back a lot . . . mostly at night . I think it was hunting mice because it was hanging around the row of breeder pens . That had to be the only thing keeping it around is mouse dinner every night because I wasn 't feeding it . Made me nervous being around the pens and would have rather it just moved on . Well it evidently ran through its nine lives rather quickly because it ran out of time and out of luck . The other morning I headed out down the road to go get some animal feed and down at the corner there lay a cat right in the middle of the road on the two solid yellow lines . . . smushed . It was the cat that had been hanging around . That problem solved itself I guess huh . I found the house with no problem . The man lives about thirty minutes from me . . . not far considering anywhere takes me thirty minutes to get there . I was greeted by four little yipping dogs . . . of various breeds , one I remember a poodle , one a shitzu ( sp ? ) , and two others . The older gentlemen came out the back door and waved them all away hushing them up . I came in the fence as he told me they shouldnt bite me . . . and that he had the one that would bite me in the house . Even though they were little dogs they still made me a little nervous . You just never know with other folks dogs . I got my carrier out of the truck and we went through another gated area where he had about ten pygmy goats , various large chickens . . . some ducks of various breeds . . and the bantam chicken enclosure along with his collection of pigeons . Those were some cool looking pigeons . All the feathers around their neck and head swept forward instead of smoothing back on their body . Some had a hood of feathers on their head . . . neat looking . At one time this enclosure was very neat . . . but over time the door to the entry way had fallen off and he was just blocking it with a rubber coated wire shelf . Which didnt really work , the ducks jumped it . The goats jumped it . After you passed through the first door about three feet into it there was another doorway . This one you had to step over and into . It had a door missing too . At one time it had two doors that met in the middle and closed up . Now there was another rubber coated wire shelf hanging longways where the missing door to the right side was . It kept falling off . When you get into the enclosure there is a raised pen with a wire bottom . It was kind of nice to have something like that , BUT the little walkway in front of the raised pen , which was completely enclosed . . . was just littered with hazards . Old buckets , pieces of broken wood , broken containers , an old glass panel from a screen door . The floor was littered with poo and dry dry dirt . Now I know it has been dry , but you have to manage all this with something . If it had been me , I would have covered the dirt and poo with hay to keep the dust down . So now we are in there with standing room only for the two of us . He is more or less disabled as his arthritis is so bad in his back that if he tries to do much his spinal cord gets pinched and he loses all the feeling in his body from the waste down . He had this net , it was a fishing net , with a WAY too short handle . What I was supposed to do with it I have no idea . I had no reach with it . Some of the chickens were in the raised enclosure and some were loose in the little area we were standing in . Everytime I tried to do anything the dust would kick up in there like you wouldnt believe . Now you know that it wasnt just dust . It was poo dust too . Had to be . It took me a total of an hour and a half to catch nine birds . You see the ones that were loose kept hiding in all the mess and trash pushed under the raised pen . I ended up getting down on my hands and knees on that nasty dirt floor . I asked him for something to put my knees on and he got me a couple of empty feed bags . He kept apologizing that he could not do more to help me catch them . You see the whole reason he was getting rid of some was because he just cant maintain all there is to do with his animals anymore . Now I am not a pansy girly girl . I work hard outside and I am not afraid of dirt , mud , sweat and stink . BUT COME ON . After I paid the man and left I started to feel nauseous . I didnt feel too good at all . I figure it was breathing in who knows what . I called Ian and told him I was a biohazard and coming straight home straight for the shower . Some folks don 't seperate their new chickens from old , but I do . I quarantine new chickens for several weeks until I am sure they arent carrying any disease or whatever that could transfer to my flock . So on that same note there was no way I could go feed and water my flock til I showered . I felt so bad . I felt sick and so nasty . After a shower and a bite to eat I felt better . The next morning I did wake up and felt dizzy and still somewhat nauseous so I went back to bed for a couple of hours and it did pass . I dont have any pictures of the new birds yet . It is raining steadily all day today so that will have to wait . I got Dwain four of the birds and stopped by on the way down to drop Shelby off to spend the night at my parents house last Thursday . So I have five . They are really nice birds and I weighed them and they are all Class Bs so I am looking forward to showing them in February . I may stick with showing smaller birds as they are just easier to transport . We will see . I felt for that man . He knew his body was not going to allow him to do the things he wants to do , but he is still fighting it . He told me his daughter wants him to get a power chair , but he said that would be like giving up . He is afraid if he stops walking he wont be able to get back up again . . . and he is probably right . That is what happened to my Grandmama because of the arthritis . A few side notes . I never saw clean water for any of the animals . I never saw any water for that matter . There was one small dishpan inside the first door into that enclosure , and it was filthy . The man was complaining because the ducks kept getting in there , but ducks NEED water , they were only seeking out what they wanted the most . Then there were large plastic drum barrels of water . . . I imagine full of mosquite larvae . He made mention that he needed to cover those back up as a few of his chickens had fallen in ( probably desperate for water to drink ? ? ? ) and drowned . I saw no water in the enclosure and no feed bowls or anything of the sort . Out in the yard area where all the goats and big chickens and ducks were there was junk everywhere , broken glass , broken boards , old plastic . It was just a mess . I know it is hard to keep up with everything . Even I fall behind and leave a mess til the next day to clean up if I have worked on something and I am tired , but this stuff was everywhere . He kept telling me to be careful and not to trip and fall . I am notoriously clumsy so you better believe I was careful . I hope everyone is having a nice Monday . We are getting some much needed rain here , and it is a good excuse to stay inside and enjoy the company of my JLand pals . . . reading up on all y ' all and your lives . Posted by Y ' all may or may not remember back in the Spring I ordered some chicks through the mail from McMurray Hatchery . When you order , you have an option to get a free mystery chick . Well of course I wanted my free mystery chick . ( They call it a RARE chick , but I don 't know about that . This one is a Golden Laced Wyandotte , not that particularly rare . ) Anyway , we ended up with this here . . . at the time he had no name . Matter of fact he didnt get a name til the rooster I brought home from Collinsville Trade Day was named Everett . Sometimes the name comes right away , sometimes it takes a while . If he would just grow that tail on out by February I sure would like to show him . He is just such a pretty young man . He is already just a big big huge guy . He is really quite sweet though . . . doesnt have an aggressive bone in his body . . unless Everett comes around . Funny , out of all the roosters wandering about . . . those two are the two that don 't get along . . . and well . . Everett runs , and he is smart to do so . . . because he will never stand a chance against Pete . For the most part they coexist fine , no one gets hurt . Here is one more of Pete . . . and one of Everett I just took . Everett is a Silver Spangled Hamburg . Gabby is always surprising me . While I was getting in the groceries I had the screen door to the porch open and she followed me into the kitchen . . . and back out to the truck , and back into the kitchen . . . lol . . . she is just a character . Chickens sure are fun . I will have new pictures of my new additions and Shelbys two new bunnies soon . Sorry about that , sometimes the days just get away from me ! Its been a busy few days . Shelby went to spend the night with my parents Thursday night . On the trip to and fro I stopped in at Dwains and dropped him off two cockerals and two pullets , nice Class B Seramas . He has quite a collection going now of that breed . Some were babies from my stock . . . and wow my guy and three girls really threw him some good colors . Some look totally unrelated , and really pretty too . While there Dwain gave me a dutch male rabbit , he is fixed , and another male rabbit that he didnt want or need . He wanted a hutch a woman had , but had to take the rabits with the hutch . These two bunnies are for Shelby . Now , the story of how I got these birds I will have to tell in a seperate entry . . . because I have to tell you ALL about it . OH yes , there is much description and detail ahead . I got myself some nice Serama too . . . but I earned it , believe me . More to come on that later . Being in the middle of the road all day on Thursday my last stop was meeting Ian at his work to pick up some lumber . You just wouldnt believe what they throw away there . Lots and lots of 4 x4s , and even more 2x4s . They use them on pallates to seperate paper I think . One guy at his work was able to build a whole BARN out of all they throw away ! So , we loaded up what they had left , so much had already been thrown out . Ian is going to build me a second chicken house with the wood . After loading that up we went home , he changed clothes and I went out to feed and water everyone . Since it was just the two of us we took off in his little tiny car , he offered to drive , and well , there IS only room for two in there . . . and went to the local pizza wing joint we like and had all you can eat wings for supper . Getting back late we soon crashed out and slept good . Thursday is our usual grocery day , but we didnt go , so Friday morning I headed out for the store . Took longer with just me going . . . and I had to unload it all by myself when getting home . Those two liter drinks are still sitting out there in the back of the truck . ; ) . By the time I got it all in and put away I took a sit down break at the computer for about an hour , cleaned up the house , I was tired . Got the critters fed . Ian picked up Shelby after he got off work . Shelby actually missed me . : ) She told me so and gave me a big ole hug when they came through the door . What a sweetie . Made my whole day to hear that . She did have a good time at Mawmaw and Gaddys though . They took her shopping for her birthday at Barnes and Noble . I know , not where you would expect to take a soon to be thirteen year old for her birthday gift picking , but she loves books . Today we have pictures of beautiful LLamas . I love them so much . The thing about them is , they are SO loyal to their owners , love their owners , but are so standoffish to strangers . Well , this one down below here with Shelby was just the opposite . What a HAM ! They had him out on the floor out of his stall and he will stop and POSE , stand perfectly still and look at the camera for you when he sees someone with a camera ! In all fairness he is well socialized . His owner takes him around to nursing homes and hospitals and such . He will give a kiss if you ask him , and a hug . . . here he gave Shelby a kiss , she was just thrilled to be able to get personal like that with a llama . Usually they just dont warm to people they dont know . I think my days are getting better now . I actually got a few things done yesterday . Course there is always something to be done around here . I don 't know what people mean when they sit and say they are bored , that is unknown to me . I have to keep a steady pace and not start to feel overwhelmed by all that needs to be done . I can only do so much in one day . I could take a lesson from Fern . He runs a real farm , and there is so much to do , way more than I have to do . . . but he manages to pace himself and not feel overwhelmed , at least that is what it seems like . Only so many hours in a day . So what DID I get done . I will tell you what I got done . I raked out all the old hay in Derbys barn and put down fresh wheat straw . He was pulling it out of the bale while I was raking out the old , thinking I had brought him a treat . I think at first he was afraid I was going to tell him not to eat it . He would snatch a mouthful and back off , waiting for me to scold him . I told him it was alright that he could eat it if he wanted . Once I had it down as bedding he lost interest in it though . The farrier came on Monday to trim . Says Derbys back feet look great , but he will always have that seedy toe on the front feet . As a result he is bearing some weight on the back of his front hooves . . . so he said he would see about shaping them up next time he came . When they put all the weight on the back half of the hoof it cant take that forever and begins to sort of spread out . I showed him the supplements I had been giving him and he said it couldnt hurt for him to have them but that usually hoof supplements were for horses that didnt have a good hard solid outer structure and that was something that Derby does have is solid hard hooves . But still he said it wouldnt hurt . Overall he said it is just going to be a matter of maintenance of his feet , taking special care to make them last as long as they can . While I was talking to him we got to talking about the horses I saw at the fair . I asked him why some draft horse owners have their horses feet shaped square and some are traditional . He said when they are squared like that they tend to make a more dramatic " clop " and its showy to have that loud clop . He was right about that , you sure knew when they were coming . He said he shoed for the Budweiser horse team for a while before the team moved to Florida . He said draft horses feet are a lot of work but Budweiser sure did pay well . After the team left and moved to Florida they began giving people his name and telling them to use him that he did a great job . Pretty soon he was overwhelmed with business for doing draft horses feet . He didnt mind except he said for instance working on those eight Budweiser horses took a total of three days to do alone . So he had to back off from doing draft horses , it was just more than he could handle . So that was pretty interesting , and made me feel confident to have him as my farrier . Well I sure did get sidetracked didnt I ? ; ) So after I got Derbys barn tended to I put fresh hay in all the nesting boxes for the chickens to lay their eggs in . Oh I found some eggs some of my old girls had been hiding on me . . . one bunch in the flower bed and when I went to pick up some siding laying against a fence I found another bunch . They were all old , you could tell when they clacked together they sounded hollow . I carefully picked them all up . I didnt want to break a one and have a stink bomb let loose ! The chicken house roosts inside needed replacing badly . Two boards had broken under the weight of all those chicken bodies . . . so I rounded up some heavy duty wood to replace the flimsy ones . I found the battery to the hand held circular saw dead , and the spare dead also , so I had to saw the ends off the boards by hand , what a job . After measuring and cutting I got all the boards in there and nailed in . Everyone seemed pleased with my work as many chicken rears were sitting on the roosts at dark . So you see I am getting some things done . Oh and I finished mowing the back . . yeah , that too . All this after cleaning up the house , doing laundry , dishes , and homeschooling . Thank goodness we had leftovers . I love leftovers , gives me more time to do the things I want or need to be doing . Got to thinking , and you know they didnt have any of the old tractors displayed thatpeople have restored . They always have the new ones , but you know we didn 't make it to see those either . We were there from ten that morning until almost 8 in the evening . Missed the petting zoo somehow too . Ian says we always end up missing something . You know there are so many animals there that takes up a lot of the day . . . that is our favorite part is seeing all the animals . We don 't even fool with the rides an games . . thats not why we go . Today I am showing some cattle pictures . . . all Dairy cattle . I think the beef cattle had been shown already earlier in the week . Posted by I am afraid to make any more entries right now ! My old Monday Photo Shoot is back , which is good , but now my new Monday Photo Shoot is gone ! Will it be back too ? Or is it gone into oblivion forever ? Hmmm . . . I took a LOT of pictures from the fair Friday . So many that I decided to put them in the little Album Window thingie instead of trying to post them all from a picture host . That way you can just pick the ones you might want to see up close and click on those . Well , here are the first batch . . . yes , there are many more ! Some of my favorites I will save and show up close , that have a little story to it . I have one about a llama there , and also an update on Tips Daddy and the stock dog demonstration . I will save those for later . My daughter was hanging out on the screened in porch with our pet house chicken Phoenix . When I asked her why she was torturing the poor chicken by holding him in such an awkward position , she explained to me that he was not being restrained at all . . . and to prove it she removed her hands and he just layed there giving me a look like " Can 't a rooster relax ? " LOL I knew what picture to use just as soon as I went to Johns Journal and found out what the Monday Photo Shoot topic was . Here is a picture of our pet house chicken Phoenix and my daughter lounging out on the screen porch together . When I asked her why she was torturing him by holding him in such an awkward position she informed me that she was not restraining him at all but merely holding him in place . . . all the while Phoenix is giving me a look like " Hey , can 't a rooster relax around here ? " To prove that she was not restraining him she let go of him , and there he lay , kicked back with not a care in the world , not even a twitch to get up . Spoiled rotten . : ) Wow I am gone for three days and come back and I have so many entries of everyone to catch up on ! I promise I will get to everyone . . . I always do , just sometimes I fall behind . I had a new visitor , Barbara from Life and Faith in Caneyhead . Went to visit her and I really enjoyed reading her journal so far . Sam , glad you liked the picture of the plane . . . it was quite a shocker to look up and see that thing over my house though ! I didnt hear it because the mower was too loud , so to look up and POW there it is in your face ! WOW . I have some bad news about the Poultry Show . So , I finally decide to go , and I had a message left by the president of the club heading up the show that told me it was cancelled . : ( You have to have judges for the show , and one had just had heart surgery two weeks ago and was just not up for it . The other one had shingles real bad and was in a lot of pain . . . so he wasnt going to be able to do it . I think that left one judge . . . and one judge cant judge all those birds all alone . So . . . he told me in the message they would try to have it in the Spring maybe . Too bad , my oldest Serama roo is really in prime condition right now . At least I found this out before I started dusting my birds for any bugs they might have , then bathing them and keeping them in the house on shavings in boxes . Boy that would have been something to go through all that just to not go . I have lots and lots of pictures from the fair on Friday , but I will make that on a seperate entry . I will leave a short entry here about Gabby . I told you I would talk about her later , well its later . ; ) I didnt handle my new layer chicks as much as I did the first chicks I ever had . Its just hard to give twenty five chicks all your attention equally . Some chickens are just special . . . I think they are smarter than others . Some chickens are afraid of me , won 't let me get too close to them . . . others come up to me and let me pick them right up , but just for a minute , then they have had enough . When I first put the new layers outside they were in a holding pen for a month or so until they got big enough to be let out around the other older hens . Once I let them out there was a pecking order to be established , which is usually not that big of a deal . Gabby seemed to be getting the short end of the stick because her tail feathers and back feathers didnt want to fill out . That left exposed skin . Any fussing and there would be exposed bloodyskin , which attracts the attention of more birds . Chickens can be very cannabilistic . They are attracted to blood and I have seen birds kill another by eating it to death , taking it down . It is not something I want to see , ever . But it has happened . I ended up taking Gabby into the house and in a holding pen for a couple of weeks while she healed up and grew some more feathers . We didn 't pay a whole lot of extra attention to her . . . but I guess it was enough for her to realize that humans were nothing to be afraid of . In fact , she will seek me out if I come outside and hang out with me . She thinks she is special , and well , she is . Everyday when I go out to feed she jumps up on the fence and gets fed by hand and I put some feed on the end post . The other chickens still don 't really let her into the flock , she is somewhat of an outsider , so they often wont let her eat with them and she has to go get her food last after everyone else has eaten . This way she gets to eat first actually . Pete is this way also , my young Golden laced Wyandotte rooster I got free with my order of layer chicks . He wants to get fed personally on top of one of the laying houses , he will follow me around and hop up to his spot to get fed . Gabby often will fly up onto my back if I am leaned over looking in a pen or doing something else that requires bending and squatting . She will get up on my shoulder and ride around for a little bit while I am doing chores . She is just different , and I like that about her . I say chickens that lose their fear of humans like this are smarter than the average chicken . They are smart enough to know I am not going to hurt them , and often benefit from my attentions . Chickens love to be massaged under their wings , it feels good ! Bonnie , Clyde , and Phoenix all love it , and I have started doing it to Gabby and she loves it too . Hmmmm . . . once again I have managed to write a garbledy gook type entry . . . he he . . . I have GOT to start going back and reading what I wrote and be more careful . Its not a big flubbub but I wanted to clear up something just in case Hollie thought the Poultry Show was at the Georgia National Fair . . . because Paula interpreted that . . . but that isnt the case . They are two seperate events . Now you would think that as big as the Georgia National Fair is . . . and all the different livestock shows they have , that they would have chickens . . . but it is not so ! Can you believe it ? ? ? They have horses of various breeds each day doing shows , cattle , pigs , goats , sheep , llamas , rabbits , even cavies ! But no chickens . : ( Sometimes there are a pair of chickens in one of the exhibit hall areas just to add flavor . They get stuck next to the Mama pig with all her babies in a metal crate thing that keeps her still so she doesnt roll over and kill the babies I guess . Anyway , the Georgia National Fair is in Perry , Georgia , and it is going on right now through Sunday . If there was ever a fair to go to it is this one . It takes all day just to see all the exhibits and shows , no time for the rides and games , which is something I would rather miss anyway . You can do those things at any county fair . Okay now that I cleared that up , let me show you all something . Do you see this plane below ? I was mowing the front today , looked up and this GIGANTIC ENORMOUS U . S Air Force ( you could read the dang logo on it it was SO LOW ! ! ! ) plane came floating over my house ! This is not the first time this has happened . We have had some old propeller planes come over real low also . . smoking the whole way . . . very worrisome . Now I didnt have my camera on me then , but I watched and it was going to circle and make its way back . . . so I ran in and got my camera and waited . Sure enough , here they come from the south . . . straight for me . Then they veered to the right before they got right up on me . . . so this picture is the closest it got , but let me assure you . . . this was actually far away compared to when it came over my house . THIS PICTURE IS NOT ZOOMED ! ! ! ! ! AHHHHHHH ! Scary huh ? I have called about them flying too low . . . assuming they were coming out of Marietta . . . but I was told without giving them an ID number on the plane they couldnt tell me a thing . Well . . . I didnt get a number , but it sure was close enough to read US AIR FORCE on the side . . . and I am NEAR - SIGHTED ! That would mean I am not supposed to be able to read things that are far away . . well I sure could read this ! Is that nuts or what ? ? ? Scared the poor chickens , all roosters sounding the alarm of danger , set the guineas off to screeching . I got outside today . . mowed for a long while . . . felt good to get out in the sunshine and breeze . Had me a shower to get all the itchy grass that blew all over me . . . and I am winding down now . OH BTW , the guinea that got loose and ran off . . . remember I took two of them over to my neighbor ? Well it did come back , Jim caught it and put it back in the pen with the other one . . . she wants to let them out . . . I say NO . . . not yet . They will run off . . . keep them penned for a little while , its not going to hurt them .

Kay sighed at the sky . The cloudy , bleak , cold winter made her upset . She readjusted her books on her hip and looked around . " One more year . " She sighed . " Hey , Kay ! " Someone called , waving an arm over their head . Kay turned and waved back , waiting for him to catch up . In a couple seconds they were next to her and she continued to walk . " How your other half ? " Ren asked . Kay sadly shook her head , feeling tears prick at her eyes . " He still won 't talk to me . " She whispered , she felt Ren wrap his arm around her shoulder and leaned against him . " I don 't understand what he was thinking ! " She shouted suddenly . " I don 't either . All 's we can do is hope that he actually reads the messages we send him and that he 'll get better . " Ren said comfortingly . Kay nodded , wiping her face and hurrying up to get to school on time . Hey . It 's just Kay . I wanted to say that I love you and miss walking to school with you and Ren . Please , get better soon . I miss my twin . My other half . My brother . Lovingly yours , Kay . Kay sent the message , linked her arm through Ren 's and walked into class like that . She ginned at Ren as she sat down and he slid into the seat next to her . He knew that he had gotten textmessages , and he was pretty sure they were all from Kay . Who else would care enough to do that ? He sighed and looked at the phone , lying on the side of the bed . He hadn 't looked at any of them . He wasn 't ready to meet Kay , not even to text her . Not just yet . Of course he cared about Kay , or at least he should . But he couldn 't think about her , if he did he 'd be overwhelmed with guilt . He hated it all , he hated himself for what he had done , but mostly he hated everybody else who cared so much about him . It would be easier to die if no one cared . Then there would be no guilt . " Neo , are you still in bed ? " someone asked as they walked in , and he barely turned his head to see who it was . But then he saw who it was , it was Sophie , the nurse who came in at least once a day . She smiled at him . " How 's your leg ? " she asked , but he wouldn 't answer . He had injured his leg after jumping off a bridge , and he also had some internal injuries . He looked out the window . He could see that Sophie had noticed that he had received a message , and it annoyed him . Why didn 't she just leave him alone ? " Maybe you should answer that . Here 's your meds , by the way , " she said , and Neo swallowed the pills quickly before answering the text . " I 'm sorry . " he wrote , sent it and looked out the window again . Damn Sophie . But he just couldn 't stand her talking about it , because he knew she would if he didn 't answer it . He hated it , everything . Why did everything have to be so complicated ? Kay had slid her phone into her back pocket after switching it to vibrate . She passed notes with Ren , day dreaming about the past . Ren . I miss him . I miss him so much my heart hurts . She rested her head on her palm , looking at the front , but felt Ren 's sympathetic look . She barely saw him nod , and the paper was back under her hand . Me too , Kay . Feels like my better half is gone . Have you seen him yet ? Kay jumped as her phone vibrated , making Ren jump too . " Is every thing okay over there ? " The teacher called . Kay nodded , blushing but Ren just laughed . " Can I please be excused ? I would like to call my brother . " She said , hoping the teacher remembered his promise from before . With a sigh , he nodded and held out a hall pass . " Hurry up please . " Kay nodded and walked out of the class , then out of the school to her car . She dialed Neo 's number , hoping he would pick up . She bit her lip and sighed as she waited . Neo heard the door shut , and he could hear her footsteps outside the door as they gradually disappeared . It was quiet . What did everybody else do , those who still had a life ? He thought about Ren , and Kay . They didn 't understand . No one did . In the morning , he had spoken to Kay , everything was normal . He said the normal things , they talked about whatever they usually talked about . And then they had met Ren . Walking to school , like always . Kay had laughed as Ren told some funny joke , and Neo had smiled a bit just to fit in . But the truth was , Ren 's joke wasn 't funny anymore . Nothing was . Neo had decided to walk home by himself that day . They wondered why , of course . He had to study for an important test , he said , wich was actually true . And so , he went off . There had been some accident on the road that day , so he couldn 't take the usual way home . For that reason , he chose to cross the bridge . The thought of suicide had been there all along , for a long time , but it wasn 't something that he had actually thought of doing . It was just one of those things that was the only option , when there was no other way . Nothing to do on your way home from school , in other words . But that 's what he did . He stood on the rail of the bridge , looking down . He could hear cars going by on the road , he felt the wind in his back . When he thought about it , he was all broken , anyways . And so , just about when he was about to let go , a car stopped . He turned around , and there was a stranger . A stranger who didn 't know anything about him . And the stranger reached for him with his hand , begged for him to come down , said that it wasn 't worth it . " What do you want ? " he asked , emotionless . He could hear Kay breathing at the other end of the line . " I said I 'm sorry " . Kay breathed , sagging in her seat . " Oh , Neo . I don 't care , I misses you . " She said , feeling tears crowd her eyes again . " I just wanted to make sure you hadn 't . . . . " She never finished the sentence but she knew she didn 't have to . " I want to see you . I want to see my brother , the one that was always there for me through everything , the one who would tickle me in the middle of the night , just cause you wanted to hear me laugh . " She rested her head back on the seat . She took a deep breath and struggled with the emotion trying to be heard in her voice . Try not to guilt him into anything . Guilt is the one thing he can feel right now , but using that will cause him to try again . The doctor has said . That mean keeping her emotions in control . Something she was never good at . " I don 't blame you , Neo . I 've thought about it too . It 's just , " She searched of the words that she was trying to tell him . " I had you . You were always more than enough for me . I would have killed myself if you had died . I can 't live without you . " She took another breath and asked the question she had been dieing to ask in a long time , or it felt like it anyways . " Neo , Can i come see you ? Please . I just want to see you . You don 't have to talk . I just want , " She faultered , knowing she was repeating herself . " see you . " She finished in a small voice . Neo remained quiet as he listened to what she had to say . Hadn 't what , he thought , killed himself ? Stupid . It was almost impossible , or at least it seemed like it . He knew that she missed him , that she cared about him . That was what made it all so . . . so hard to live with . Knowing that she cared so much for him , and that he had tried to kill himself . He bit his lip . Why did she say all these things ? He didn 't want to hear that she cared . He sighed . It was obvious that she was emotional , sad , upset , or something like that . He knew that , and even though she may tried to hide it , he knew her too well not to recognize it . I would have killed myself if you died . I can 't live without you . Neo could hear her say that over and over again . He didn 't doubt for a second that she would do it if he died . And it hurt , knowing that it had hurt her so much . This was exactly why he had jumped of that bridge , he didn 't want to survive , having to look Kay in the eyes . It was too much . And then . She wanted to see him . " Go kill yourself then . This is exactly why I didn 't want to survive , don 't you understand how much this hurts ? Knowing that you depend on me staying alive . Think about Ren . Maybe you want him to kill himself as well , don 't you ! " he said , and he sounded pretty upset . He bit his lip again and took a deep breath . Damn . He was crying . Kay dropped her phone into her lap , bursting into tears . She beat at the steering wheel , making the horn beep but she didn 't care . She cried , her tears making her eyeliner run . " What 'd he say thats got you crying so much ? " He asked , rubbing Kay 's back in a circle . " ' Go kill yourself then . This is exactly why I didn 't want to survive , don 't you understand how much this hurts ? Knowing that you depend on me staying alive . Think about Ren . Maybe you want him to kill himself as well , don 't you ! ' " She quoted , emotionless . Ren didn 't say anything but rubbed her shoulders with long slow circles , making the tension there relax . Kay finally turned to him . " I don 't understand him . I 've gone though all that too . I was there . I was always there ! He never talked to me . He made like he wasn 't affected by it when I was so devastated , I couldn 't sleep without him for months afterwards . " She fell into Ren 's arms when he opened them , face against his chest . " Did he say you couldn 't visit ? " Ren asked , enclosing her in his arms and kissing her head . " No . He said I could . " She admitted , pulling away and starting her car . Ren nodded and made to get out of the car , but she grabbed his wrist . " Come with me . I can 't do it alone . " Ren nodded once more and they were on their way to see her brother . Oh god please . Help me . She thought to no one in particular . We 're both so broken . Why can 't we fix eachother ? Why was he always so stoic ? Why didn 't he talk to me . She pulled up , got out of the car and headed in side with Ren , who held her hand to let her know he was there . " Hi . I 'm here to see my twin , Neo . " Kay said to the lady at the front desk . The lady nodded and pointed to a room . Kay hesitated , but Ren walked over and knocked on the door , shoving it open and striding into the room . " Hey Neo . Kay 's here . Be nice will you ? " He muttered as Kay walked through the door , stopping and looking at the shell of her brother , tears pricked her eyes again . " Oh , Neo . " She walked over and touched his leg , then his arm and face . " Why ? " She asked , her face a mixture of expressions , reflection the mixing pot of emotions running through her . But mostly , she felt pure love . She still loved her brother . " Neo . I love you . " She muttered , looking at the floor . Her hand found his and she gripped his knuckles . Neo sighed . Maybe it hadn 't been such a good idea to talk like that to Kay , but he didn 't know what else to do . He had just been very upset about it all , about all of what she had said . And that it had all happened so quickly . He looked at the phone and wiped his tears . Why did she want to see him ? He didn 't understand . What was there to see , him lying in the bed , quiet and depressed ? He didn 't understand why she wanted to see him . It was almost as if he felt like he didn 't deserve her to come visit . Why would he have her come visit when he had been so awful to her not long ago ? On the other hand , he could have told her that he didn 't want her to come . But he knew that that would probably make her more sad than she already was . He looked up in the sealing , listened to his breaths and played with his phone with his fingers . " I 'm sorry " , he said , to no one , since there was no one there . It was meant to Kay though . He didn 't know her pain , and she didn 't know his . It felt weird , they had been so tight before everything had happened . Before he had jumped from that bridge . Now , it was as if she weren 't the same . He just didn 't get her the way he used to . Maybe it was because they hadn 't talked for a long time , because he couldn 't handle it . And now , all of sudden , he had invited her to come and visit him . He put away the phone , decided not to touch it anymore that day . Now , he just needed to rest . All of this at once . He had been trying to avoid all of it ever since he had tried to kill himself , but deep inside he had always knew that he couldn 't keep doing it forever . And now was the time to stop avoiding it , to do something about it . To see Kay . He got anxiety just of the thought of her , and he pinched himself on his arm a couple of times . He wasn 't sure if he was ready , but on the other hand , maybe Kay would wait . Maybe she wouldn 't come right now . After all , she had just hung up , and he could imagine her crying as she did it . He hoped she wouldn 't be stupid enough to drive over to the hospital in the condition she was in , since she was upset , and if she did , he hoped she wasn 't alone , that Ren was with her . Neo looked at Ren as he walked in , and then he saw Kay . It felt weird that she could still say those words , saying " I love you " . He didn 't know why , but it just didn 't feel quite right . " I don 't deserved to be loved " , he said , looking at her with a somewhat sad look in his eyes . Then he looked at her hand gripping his knuckles . It had a bruise on it . He swallowed and looked out the window . Kay looked into her brothers eyes . She could see the doubt as she said I love you . She let go of his hand when he looked out the window . She bit back the yelling she wanted to do , the screaming that he left her alone . The punching him over and over again , yet not hard enough to hurt . She walked away from the bed and leaned on the wall . " Mom 's on the hospital again . " She said with a sigh . " She has cancer again , so its just me at home . " She wondered if he remember that their parents had gotten a divorce the day he had jumped off the bridge . Ren glanced between the two , dragging a chair to the far side of the room and sitting in it with his eyes closed and head resting on the wall . Kay started to regret coming as she thought Neo would at least talk to her . She chewed on her lip for a minute . " Dad 's getting remarried to some super blond who needs a sugar daddy . " Kay mimed gagging , not expecting to get any results . " So Neo . How have you been ? How the body ? Been eating ? Been sleeping ? Been doing anything of intrest ? " Kay asked , trying to bug Neo enough to answer . " Come on . " She said , flouncing over to his bed and plopping down carefully . " Tell me ! " She said , hands poised to tickle . Neo hadn 't thought about all of the things that had happened at home . About their parents . All of that was like forgotten , until now . He sighed . Why did she have to bring that up ? He looked at her , tried to understand her . Tried to understand how she felt , being all alone . But it was hard for him , it was hard for him to try to understand anything but his own pain , at least for the moment . Cancer . Their mother had cancer . Yes , she does still , or , it came back . How could he forget ? He didn 't forget , just blocked it out . Really , it was as if all of the things about their parents were gone . It surprised him , how he had been able to block it out for so long . But for some reason , he didn 't really feel anything about it . Of course it was sad that the cancer had came back , but he didn 't feel sad . He felt rather numb . Dad was crazy , Ren was right . And for a moment , Neo didn 't feel like it would matter if he died or not . That stupid idiot who had made him and their mom get a divorce . He was the reason for all of the things just falling apart . Neo looked at Kay , and he thought about it for a minute before answering . There was so much she wanted to know . " I 'm recovering , or should I say , the body is . " he said , and then he thought of what to say about the eating and sleeping . He didn 't want to worry her , but he was sure that she would know if he lied to her , she would see it right away . And so , he decided to tell her the truth . " I haven 't really been eating that much . Actually , I don 't have an apatite at all . But I get food , I do . And I do sleep , I get meds to help me sleep at night " , he said , and thought that maybe it would be enough for her to know . Because , what was there more to say ? He reached for her , her chin , her hand , anything , with his hand . He just wanted to feel that she was there . " Yes , Neo . I 'm really here . " She said , holding his hand on her cheek with her own . She smiled at him , an actual real smile . " Do you get pain meds too ? " She asked , cocking her head a bit to one side as was her habit . Her phone ran but she ignored it . " Kay ? " " Yes , I know , Ren . But I 'm with Neo . I 'm not answering it . " She never looked away from Neo 's face . His eyes seemed a bit more haunted then before . A sudden thought struck her . " Oh Neo ! Guess what ? " She asked as her phone went off again . Growling she pulled it out and looked at the Caller ID . She tossed her phone over to Ren with an appealing look . Ren nodded and answered the phone while Kay turned back to talk to Neo . " Sorry was Ren 's mom checking in on me . " She gave a small grin , letting go of his hand in case he wanted to take it away . " You know . I really do love you . You may not be able to see that or even feel it , but being away and pushed away by you hurt more than bleeding out slowly , so slowly It would take years to die . " She closed her eyes . " Please . Don 't push me away anymore . I 'll stay here if you want me to , but don 't push me any farther . I can 't take it . " She said as Ren hung up the phone and slid it into his pocket . His expression was dark , but Kay ignored him , focusing on Neo , wanting him to understand she wasn 't trying to guilt him , just to help him understand . Neo nodded slowly . Yes , he did get meds for the pain as well . Actually , he didn 't really knew what meds he was on . If he was on antidepressive meds as well , wouldn 't surprise him . He listened to what Kay had to say . He could see where she was coming from , at least a little . His eyes hadn 't really showed anything until the moment she had said that she could stay there if he wanted her to , then his eyes were somewhat filled with something . " So . . . So you 'll stay here . . . If I want to " , he said , mostly to himself . He thought about it . Maybe it was a good thing that Kay had come to visit him , after all . Maybe it would make her happy , that she could do something for him . When he thought about it , he realized that he had felt pretty lonely at times . Maybe it would be good for both of them if she stayed there with him , he thought . " Don 't ever leave . Promise me " , he said , grabbing her hand and holding it maybe a bit too tight , as he looked into her eyes . He swallowed and closed his eyes , letting go of her hand . " Please . Stay with me twenty - four - seven . I think I 've missed you " , he said , and opened his eyes . He bit his lip and looked out the window . " You have to promise me " , he said quietly . Kay was shocked that Neo admitted that he missed her . She felt tears coming again but she grinned and grabbed his hand . " Of course I 'll stay . I 'll just have to tell mom and Ren 's mom . I 'll tell em later . " She said . Ren walked toward the door . " I 'll make the calls for ya . I 'll go visit your mom too . Can i borrow your car ? " He asked . She nodded tossing her keys over . She turned back to Neo as Ren left . " I 'll have to call the school too . That I should do on my own tho . " She thought out loud . She looked back at Neo . " I see only one problem . " She muttered , looking around the bare room . She leaned down like she was telling him the secrets of the world . To her , this was . His responce hinged on whether he would be her brother Neo again or Neo 's shell . " There 's only one bed . " She said , resting her forehead on his , like they did when they were little kids . They had always been in the same room as Kay couldn 't sleep when she was without Neo . It had been months since she 's slept without nightmares but she wasn 't about to say that to him . So she just sat with her forehead on his for a minute before pulling away . She touched his lifeless hair , remembering its former glory . She had always loved his hair , better than her own really . Neo looked at her , thoughtful . The only reason why she would leave was to call school , and then she wouldn 't be gone for long anyways . He nodded slightly . Yes , there was only one bed . He thought about it , about when they had been little . And all of sudden , he remembered things that he had blocked out for a long time . All those things that would make him die of guilt , all those things that made him love her , miss her . He bit his lip and took a deep breath . He thought of all the times when she had asked to come to him , even though she was in the same room . It was all such a long time ago , it was something that he thought he had forgotten . Or rather , something that he had tried to forget . He looked into her eyes as her forehead touched his , and he looked at her in silence . Looked at her as she touched his lifeless hair . And then he looked away . " You . . . you bring all the memories back again " , he said , and then he looked at her again . He didn 't want her to leave , he really didn 't . Even though it all hurt very much at the moment , he knew he had to get through it if he was ever going to be with her again , in a normal way . Not in an hospital bed . Not the way things were now . And he swallowed , inhaled . " You can 't be here . Please . Get out , just for a moment " , he said , not being able to look at her . He didn 't want her there as he cried his heart out , as he probably would hurt himself just to be able to function . That was too much to show at once , he wasn 't ready to share those things with her just yet . Kay pulled away from Neo , clearly confused and upset . She dipped her head . " I 'll give the school a call . " She said , before realizing that Ren still had her phone . " Mind if I use your phone ? " She asked . " Oh . Nevermind . There 's payphones . " She said and left the room , doing as her brothers shell wished . But weren 't memories good ? She was so confused her head hurt . She found the payphones , put the money in and detached herself from her emotions to talk to the lady at the other end . " Hello how may I help you . " " Hi . This is Kay . I am calling to tell you that , I won 't be coming back to school for a while . " " Okay . Well your mother called and explained everything so your all set . We 'll see you when you come back . " Kay smiled at the lady 's happy tone . " Okay then . Bye . " She hung up the phone and walked back toward Neo 's room . She leaned on the door jam and watched her brother for a minute . She knew it was going to be hard . She knew he was in for a long haul but she was ready for it . She was there for him and she would help him as much as she could . She knocked on the door after a second . Neo opened his eyes just as he heard her leaving the room . He was glad that she hadn 't insisted on staying or anything like that , that would just make it all much harder . He looked at the door for a second , making sure that she had really left . He took a deep breath and looked up to the sealing . He felt tears coming down his face , didn 't bother to wipe them away . He sat up and put his head in his hands , looking at the hospital blanket . He sobbed quietly for a few seconds before hitting himself with his fists on his arms and chest . Then he looked at the door once again . No one was there yet . He didn 't want anyone to know what he was doing . Well , of course you could tell from the bruises , but he didn 't want to get caught in action . He looked around but couldn 't see anything sharp . No , of course he couldn 't . He crawled up with his knees to his chest , wrapping his arms around them , trying to breath . Seeing Kay was much harder than he had thought it would be . All the memories that welled up inside of him were too much , he didn 't know how to handle it . But he didn 't want her to leave , no , he wanted her to stay and never leave . But at the moment , he had no idea how that was going to work , since he couldn 't even look at her . He looked at her as she walked in , as she stood by the end of his bed . He shook his head . " I 'm not better now " , he said quietly , and then he turned his back on her . Poor Kay , he thought . She was willing to stay with him , and all he did was . . . well , rejecting her , in a kind of way . He looked out the window , thought of what it was like on the outside . Of Kay willing to leave that behind just to be with him . He didn 't deserve her being that nice to him . He didn 't deserve anything , he thought and let himself fall down on the side of the bed , the one closer to the window . It hurt as he fell to the ground . He lay there , sobbing quietly with his eyes closed . Kay nodded sadly , turning to leave again until Neo was fine , but then he fell off the bed . She hesitated where she stood for a second , wondering if she should call someone . Shaking her head she walked over toward Neo and sat against the wall . Not saying anything , but crying her own tears . She knew this was going to be hard for the both of them , but She would never leave Neo . " Neo . " She breathed , hoping he could hear her . " I 'm never going to leave . Push me away all you want . I 'll step back but then step right back up . You can 't do anything to get rid of me . " She didn 't reach out , try to touch him . She just sat with him and cried . She couldn 't understand what he was thinking or what he was going through but she had her own issues to cry about and one of them was losing Neo . And now her mom . With out thinking it through , she crawled over to Neo and laid down next to him , her face by his . " Neo . I 'm scared . And I know you are too , about what I have no idea . I can see it in your eyes though . " She said , lying on her side , she reached a hand out toward Neo but didn 't touch him . " I want to help , Neo . Please , just let me help . " She pleaded . She thought of all the things that she wanted to say , all the things that he had missed . All the things she had missed about him . She bit her tongue though . She kept all that stuff to herself . Neo kept his eyes closed as she sat down . Listened to her voice . It was almost as if he had forgotten what it sounded like . No , not really , he would never forget her voice , but . . . it just felt that way , is if it had been years since everything had happened . Hearing her say that he couldn 't do anything to get rid of her made him feel safe , but at the same time he felt as if it was a commitment . And for that reason he hated it . But he admired her for what she did , for staying with him , for not giving up on him . He knew that what she said was true . He was scared , and he didn 't doubt it showed in his eyes . He knew that she would see whatever he might try to hide , they knew each other too well . He was scared , he was scared of life , of everything . He didn 't want to let Kay down , but at the same time he didn 't want to feel that he had to live . He didn 't want to feel like he would break her if he died , but he knew he would . She had said it herself . I would have killed myself if you died . I can 't live without you . It echoed in his mind , again and again . And somewhere , he could hear her , that she wanted to help him . She wanted to help him . She didn 't want him to die . He put his hands over his ears not to hear her words echoing in his mind , it hurt too much . He felt as if his chest was going to explode , as if it was going to break , it hurt . " Please don 't die " , he whispered between the hyperventilation . And he said it over and over again , he said it to the point where he screamed , still covering his ears . Over and over again . He wanted her to live . Kay stopped talking when Neo covered his ears screaming " please don 't die ! " Kay sat up , crossing her legs and waiting for him to relax again . " Neo . Neo . Neo . Neo , love . " She said , repeating herself . She spoke softly , not saying anything that could upset him . She started singing for no reason . Random songs that popped into her head . " Kiss it all better , I 'm not ready to go . " She half sang half breathed , trying to keep her own tears at bay . " Stay with me until I fall asleep , stay with me . " She sang the song through again . " Its not your fault love , you didn 't know , you didn 't now . " She whispered . She wasn 't , she had said she would have killed herself , and she could never take that back but she hadn 't meant that . " I meant that I would miss my twin . I would miss him so much it hurt . " She spoke to no one , just out loud working out her thoughts and feelings . " I would miss him . " She said one last time . " I 'm not ready to go , Neo . I won 't go . I wouldn 't have gone . " She pulled her legs up , wrapped her arms around them and waited to Neo to uncover his head . She wasn 't going to leave him and she hoped that he had heard what she had said . " Neo . We 're here . Let 's fix each other . Why can 't you see I 'm trying to help you . " She looked at her brothers shell . " Why dont you understand that you hurt me too . That you were always so quiet , that I tried to help you before you jumped . " As a tear rolled down her cheek she asked the most important question . " Why ? " She would never hear the answer to that question . She knew he would never tell her or give her a dumb reason . And she had accepted that but she had to get it out there . Neo watched it happen , over and over again , in his mind . He watched him as he crossed the bridge , as he turned around to the stranger . He could see the fear in his eyes , how the stranger so badly wanted to save him . And then . The words . What do you know about anything . The wind in his face as he fell , to what he thought was his death , but turned out not to be , to his disappointment . And then , how he would try again . How he would try to end his life once again , leaving Kay on her own with their sick mom and stupid dad , that had moved on . How she would cry her heart out , doing what she had told him to . And he had told her too . Go kill yourself then . His lips as he said it . Over and over again . Go kill yourself then . And the sound of his voice . As if he didn 't care . He re - lived the moment again and again , the moment he jumped and the moment he had told Kay to go kill herself . He could hear her tears as she let go of the phone . Over and over again , each time more intense than the one before . All the feelings just got stronger and stronger each time . The fear , the guilt , the feeling of emptiness and everything else that he couldn 't put down in words . Soon , he realized that there was no more screaming . It was quiet . Even Kay had stopped talking . And he was gasping for air , slowly opening his eyes once he was able to breath normally again . His head was pounding . But it was quiet . He let go of his head and looked at Kay . It looked like she was sad . And it was all his fault . He knew this feeling . The unpredictable feeling , the impulsiveness . He wanted to get out . He stood up , fell down the first time but managed to stay on his feet the second time . He looked out the window . He touched the glass , hit it a few times . He had to get air , fresh air . For a second he looked at Kay , as if he had forgotten that she was there . He smiled at her . Iwaku is a roleplay community . We don 't just write stories - we live them ! 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Some people believe your life flashes before your eyes the moment you die . I guess that 's what 's been happening to me . It 's the stuff you never thought was important that ends up coming back in the end . Like how Dip n Dots ice cream felt rolling around and melting slowly on my tongue the first time I ever tasted it at the beach with my cousin Brett . Or the way I couldn 't stop smiling that afternoon in sixth grade when I got my braces off ; mostly because of how slimy my teeth felt against my lips . Or how my gram 's house always smelled like old cigars , not because of my gram , but because of my granddad . His car still reeks of cheap cigars to this day . I never started smoking , even when most of my friends were doing it . There were always a lot of ads on TV showing pictures of black decaying lungs and people with oxygen tanks following their every move . Sure they were convincing , but nothing seemed to stick in my mind as much as one conversation with my gram . She always talked to me as if I were her best friend , even if I was only eleven and she was sixty five . All she had to do was tell me never to start smoking , because it was such a hard habit to break . If it was hard for my gram to do something , it must be almost impossible . I 'm sure if she 'd given me any more advice I would have stuck to it like glue . Maybe she did and I just couldn 't hold onto it all . I hope I 'll get to ask her . I hope that 's what heaven really means . I was never mad at Jenny . I would be lying if I said I was . You can 't control the thoughts in your head sometimes . And you can 't control who you love . It 's a strange feeling , loving someone . It can be so sad sometimes . Even sadder than death , I think . Love is something we 'll never really understand . We can open our eyes to death , and feel that it 's real . We can watch it happen right in front of us , and we can accept it , even though it isn 't always easy . But love isn 't like that . Love makes us weak and desperate . Love kills parts of us we never even knew we had . I guess I still love Jenny , because I remember how green the grass was under her black Chuck Taylor 's . The ones with little designs and song lyrics scribbled on the sides . I remember how smooth my pen felt against the white rim of her shoe that day . I wrote Connor + Jenny even though afterwards I felt a little childish ; it was all I could think of when she was asking me to write something . I added a tiny star because I always saw her drawing them on her papers in school . The star got a little smushed because that 's when the bus hit a pothole in the road . I always gave her the window seat because she said the world went by so fast sometimes , and if you weren 't watching , you might miss something amazing . I didn 't mind missing it if I got to watch her . I watched her eyes moving back and forth trying to focus on one thing but not able to catch up . Her forehead pressed against the glass , being jarred around by the bus 's erratic driver . Sometimes I wrapped my arm behind her head and cradled it in my hand . I watched the muscles in her cheeks pull her lips up into a smile when she saw something out there in that fast moving world that she liked . Sometimes I would look at the other girls in our class and wonder how she could be so much more beautiful than they were when they tried so much harder . She wore the same black choker everyday ; it was something she found in the back of her mom 's closet . She twisted it three times to make it fit the way she liked . Sometimes the twisted part would slide around to the front ; those were my favorite times . I would slide it back around behind her hair , that hair that smelled exactly like a hard candy , the strawberries and cream kind that my math teacher always ate . And she would make a wish . Sometimes she said her wishes out loud , even though that meant they were wasted . I don 't blame Jenny . She just fell in love with someone else . But just because I don 't blame her doesn 't mean I didn 't feel it . I remember how on the day she told me I saw her eyes float down to her watch three times . Each movement of her ocean blue eyes ' Then don 't . ' But she turned and walked away . As each foot hit the ground it was like a tiny ice pick was chipping away at me from the bottom up . With every chip I felt myself shrinking lower and lower into the ground . The trees and houses around me got taller and taller and I felt small and insignificant . I stayed standing in the same spot until her body became a shape in the distance . When I finally did try to move my feet they felt like they were bolted into the ground , like I was buried from the knees down . I was suddenly six again , and on the soft wet sand of the beach for the first time . The water rushed over my toes and I stared down at the tiny colorful shells all around my feet and watched them disappear . The longer I stood staring and letting the water rush over my white legs , the less of them became visible , the more anchored into the ground I became . I started to get swallowed up in the ocean floor . I wiggled my legs around and started to make cracks in the sand . The water rose around me and the more I wiggled my toes under the sand the more it glued me to the spot . I guess my mom noticed my struggling and before I knew it my feet were suctioned out of the sand and I was carried back under our bright yellow umbrella . The yellow started to turn a fiery orange that burned my eyes . When I raised my hand to cover my face I saw I wasn 't six after all . I was still standing alone in the park . I stared down at my feet and wiggled my toes in my shoes before I attempted to move them . The sun was slowly setting behind the rows of houses in the distance and somehow I made it back to mine before it disappeared . Going back to school was hard because I still felt so small . But my heart was just as big as it always was . And I guess that 's why Jenny stayed there through all the shrinking and the chopping . I still thought about her all the time . I heard once that love means that you think about a person as soon your eyes open in the morning , and as soon as they close at night . I thought about Jenny like that . I thought ' I guess I never really thought about it much . ' ' Well if you had to think about it now , what would you think ? ' She always looked at me like she really cared . As if all of the other kids in the cafeteria weren 't even there . It was just like we were alone in some peaceful place like under a willow tree or something , just talking about heaven . She only looked away for a few seconds to guide her fingers in peeling the orange that she rolled between her hands . ' Well , I guess if I have to say , then I say no . I don 't think there 's these fluffy white clouds that people live in up there after they die . And I don 't think there 's like . . . angels . Ya know ? ' ' Yeah , I don 't think there 's that stuff either . But it 's just hard to know what to believe in . ' ' I don 't think we have to believe in anything really . I think people just get sad and they start to make things up to help them out of the sadness . And I don 't think that 's fair . ' Jenny put down her orange and I watched the skin above her eyes start to wrinkle . We never really argued much , but I liked the way that when her hair fell out from behind her ear , she didn 't bother to fix it because she was too focused on what to say next . ' What is fair though ? Should people be sad all the time just because it 's what 's real ? Isn 't it alright to pretend sometimes if it makes people happy ? ' ' Not if it means that everyone in the world is fake ; that the world is fake . ' She put the piece of hair back behind her ear and the pale white skin above her eyes was smooth again . I could always tell when there was something important on her mind ; something more important than winning one of our little arguments . < 5 > ' I guess I 'm just confused that 's all . Have you ever been to a viewing ? ' Jenny and her family used to go to church almost every Sunday . Now she went with them on holidays and stuff like that , but she told them once that she didn 't believe in God , so they didn 't make her go with them anymore . They never told Jenny 's grandparents though because I guess they thought maybe it was just a phase she was going through , one of those teenage rebellion sort of things . Jenny 's grandmother was one of those really religious old ladies that had a huge oil painting of Jesus in her dining room . That same painting was placed above the open casket at her memorial service the night before our conversation in the cafeteria . ' She looked so different . Like she had been beaten up real bad and then someone dumped a bucket of flour over her face to cover the bruises . I kept expecting her to sit up , or move her hand or something . It was really creepy , and really sad . ' ' I 'm sorry . I was going to go but I thought it was a family thing and it might not be right . ' ' It 's ok ; you probably would have felt weird there . Everyone just walked by and cried and looked at her body . It was all dressed up in her clothes and jewelry , but it didn 't look anything like her . The whole thing felt so strange . It was like a tribute to her life , with pictures and music and flowers , everyone who ever loved her was there . We even served food after . But she wasn 't there to see it . By the end I felt like screaming at everyone that she was gone , and to just go home because there was nothing else to see . ' I didn 't know what to say to her , but she looked so alone even though she was sitting right beside me . ' I 'm sorry . I guess I don 't know what else to say . I know I don 't have any answers . ' < 6 > ' I don 't think anybody has the answers . At least no one I know . But I don 't need an answer when I have you . ' She took my whole arm into her lap and held it onto it , putting her hand in mine . She rested her head on my shoulder and I felt her breath on my neck . It made even the noisy cafeteria the most peaceful place in the world . After these dreams I wake up feeling so alone , so small . It 's hard to get out of my bed sometimes , hard to reach my shoes . Food seems too big to fit into my stomach now . Nothing tastes the same on my tongue . It seems like only a few thoughts can fit in my brain at once and schoolwork is harder than it ever was . I 've always been good at history , but now the board seems so far away . My pencil feels like it weighs a thousand pounds , and my eyelids weigh even more . Jenny is in my history class but I try not to look at her . I must not be trying hard enough because she moved her seat across the room after our eyes met and my pencil dropped like a brick to the floor . I tried not to notice when I heard her laughing at the teacher 's corny joke even though her laughter sent chills up my spine . Walking in the halls alone is tough too when you 're so small because no one notices you . Or they stare with big bulging eyes and point with long crooked fingers . Sometimes I wonder how many of them were ever left standing alone in a park , or by a front door , or in a car . I wonder how many of them can 't tie their shoes in the morning either , or hold the spoon steady over their cereal . They all have their makeup on so tight , and their hair folded and ironed so perfectly . It sort of reminds me of a commercial I saw on TV for bathtubs . There 's this company that will come to your house and custom fit a bathtub and tiles and stuff over the one you already have , instead of fixing it up and building a new one . They just slide it over the broken chipped one and it looks brand new . It 's white and shining and there is a lady sitting in it surrounded by hundreds of perfect little bubbles , holding a glass of champagne . Al ' Ya know , Connor , it 's kids like you that they 're gonna search . Hope you don 't do crack . ' Laughter followed Todd Harmon down the crowded hallway as the classrooms filled back up with students . It wasn 't the first time our school had a bomb scare . But this time all the rotten chipped away kids were mad because it was on the day of a pep rally and it would have to be postponed . They didn 't know who called it in , so a lot of kids were checked out . The usual suspects were called to the office and they had brought in the drug sniffing dogs for a locker check . There was a rumor that one of the dogs crapped in front of someone 's locker . There were always rumors at our school . For some reason ever since the day Jenny walked away from me in the park , I had become a usual suspect . I saw people whispering in the halls around me . I felt like wherever I went I was hearing little voices . At first I thought they were in my head , but I knew if I was going to have voices in my head they wouldn 't sound like a group of teenage girls . And they definitely wouldn 't sound like my principal . When I heard him call my name over the loudspeaker I realized it was probably the first time I had ever heard it called out like that ; at least in high school . In elementary school they used to call out birthdays and for you to come to the office if your mom was there to get you . But this felt different . I walked down the empty hall and kids in classrooms turned their heads as I passed . I hated how loud my feet sounded on the tile floor and surprisingly wanted to get to the office as fast as I could . My principal was the football coach in the seventies , and he had a thick Russian accent . He told my class how he escaped from Russia when he was a boy and had to travel a really long way through a whole lot of snow . I thought it was interesting but I didn 't pay much attention to his story , I guess because he came to talk to our history class , and I paid more attention to the thin black line that Jenny 's choker made around her neck than how Principal Rus ' Connor , have you been under any kind of stress lately ? ' His office was a lot more cluttered than I would have thought . It kind of made me feel at ease knowing even the principal of my school was disorganized . He seemed like he was trying to be extra nice to me . He pulled up the big green chair with the dark wooden legs from the corner for me instead of the regular plastic blue ones the other kids sat in . He asked me if I wanted anything to drink , said he might have some Coke . It made me think of what the kid in my class said about me doing crack . Maybe my principal thought I 'm on drugs and that 's why he 's being so nice to me ? Maybe he thought I called in the bomb scare and he 's just stalling until the cops get here to pull this nice cushioned chair out from under me and shove my face in the carpet ? I started to get concerned ; I guess my face showed it , so my principal started to speak . ' Don 't worry son , I know you weren 't responsible for what happened today . ' I didn 't want to look too confused , because maybe he was just trying to trick a confession out of me like they do on those cop shows . But I was confused . I knew I didn 't do anything wrong ; so why was I here ? I figured it was enough with the mind games and I asked him what was going on . ' Well , frankly , we 're all worried about you , son . You 've been acting strange these last few weeks . Your teachers report that you 're failing every class , even gym . So all I want to know is what I can do to help . You 're going to be a senior next year and you can 't afford to fail like this if you want to go to college . ' I watched his mouth as he spoke and I turned it upside down in my head . I wasn 't in his cluttered office anymore ; I was on the porch of Jenny 's family 's vacation house in Virginia . She was sitting behind me and holding my head in her hands as I looked up at her . I remember how hard she started laughing and I remember how the sun reflected off her lips . She could hardly stop long enough to tell me why she was laughing . She called it ' Mr . Chinnegan ' ; a funny sort o ' Connor ? ' I couldn 't help but smile when I realized where I was again and watched my principal 's moustache , which was now his beard , bouncing up and down as he said my name . ' Connor , this is what I 'm talking about . There is nothing funny about you possibly not being able to graduate . ' I spun him right side up again and let his words slip into my brain . I sat there quietly for a minute so the smile could slide off my face . I never thought much about how my grades were . I knew I wasn 't doing as well as I used to be , but I just didn 't think it was that bad . ' I 'm sorry . I guess I just didn 't realize . I 'll do better now . Thank you for wanting to help . ' I pushed back the arms of the chair and noticed that they were lion heads . I wondered if having lions on the arms of your chairs gave you more power . Maybe that 's why he gave me this chair instead of the blue plastic one ; he thought a chair would help . He gave me a green pass back to my classroom and I noticed that he signed me out for 1 : 20 , but it was only 1 : 10 . I started to motion towards the clock but he made this sort of squinty face that made me realize he wanted to feel like this was his favor to me . The time kids get to spend alone in the halls is sacred , especially with written approval from the principal . So I didn 't say another word . On the way out I passed Ricky O ' Neil . He was the kid who put tacks on my fourth grade teacher 's chair , and took light bulbs from the janitor 's closet and smashed them all over the parking lot one morning in seventh grade . The teacher noticed the tacks before she sat down , and the janitor put up cones in the morning and swept up the glass before any cars came , but Ricky still got in trouble . And every time he got in trouble his reputation grew and put him higher and higher on the list of usual suspects . By then I think he must have been number one . The principal called his name out as I grabbed the door handle and I looked back just in time to see him sit down in the cold blue plastic chair . < 10 > I wasn 't sure what to do with my new found freedom . I had about fifteen minutes to kill before I had to go back to class . I figured the bathroom was where everyone always went , and it was better than wandering the halls alone . ' So you do it , Davis ? ' ' Course he didn 't do it . We all know who it was so why you gonna even ask him , James ? ' ' Well , why else would they wanna talk to ' im . He went in first too . Even before Ricky . He musta done sumthin . ' This seemed to happen to me a lot ; people talking about me as if I was in another room when I was standing right in front of them . But I didn 't mind this time because all I was thinking about was how James McDougal knew who I was . I guess it felt kind of stupid to care what a guy like him thought about me ; but it made me feel a little bit taller than I 'd been feeling lately . It kind of made the room seem more lifelike around my body . I didn 't feel so lost in its ugly brown tiles and harsh fluorescent lights . ' I didn 't do anything really . I 'm just failing . ' ' Well , shit aren 't we all . I thought you were smart ? Weren 't you in that G + T back in the day ? ' ' Yeah , I was . I don 't know what happened . ' G + T stands for Gifted and Talented . It was a program we had in our school and some other schools around . I guess it was for smart kids . You had to get certain grades and test scores to be able to be in it . At first I didn 't like the idea . I thought it was corny and I didn 't want to be hanging around all those smart kids all the time . But when I found out Jenny would be one of those kids I brought the papers home and my mom couldn 't sign them fast enough . Once we made a huge bubble out of plastic and then we connected all the bubbles from the other kids ' teams together with tubes and crawled in and out . The gym at Logan Elementary was transformed into a surreal maze of plastic and masking tape . I remember when we made the bubble ; being on the inside doing some cutting or measuring , and Jenny being on the outside bouncing the tape on the plastic wall . I remember thinking that if angels di ' Ha , I know what happened . Look at his eyes , man ! He 's so stoned ! ' I guess I didn 't realize how long I was standing there in a daze . I walked over to the mirror and pulled my face up close to it . It was the same face I saw every morning in my mirror at home . A little dark around the edges since I hadn 't shaved in a few days , and my hair was getting kind of long too , now that I really looked at it . The white parts of my brown eyes were mostly pink . I could see the tiny red veins collecting in the corners and jutting out like fingers . ' I guess I 'm just tired . I don 't smoke . ' ' You mean you didn 't smoke any today ? Or you 've never smoked any ever ? ' In a weird way I knew that how I answered that question would determine how the rest of my day went . Maybe even my life ; who knows . Things had been changing so fast that I didn 't know which way was up . But I knew I never liked how I felt when I told a lie ; I thought people could see right through me . ' I haven 't ever smoked . ' Their reaction was pretty much what I expected . James had a reputation around school . He was popular , mostly because people were scared of him , not because they wanted to be like him . He was also known around school for dealing drugs . He was white , but none of his friends were . His shoes were never tied , and his facial hair was always shaved in a perfect thin line on each side from his ear to his chin . His friend Tavis was tall and thin and always wore an Atlanta Braves hat . When the teachers told him to take it off , he just slid it around the thick silver chain he wore around his neck and let it dangle there all day . They stood laughing and stomping their boots on the tiles until they were satisfied and then James started looking around in his bag . < 12 > ' Oh shit kid , your cherries gettin popped ! ' There was more stomping and hissing before he finally pulled a blue glass bowl out of his bag . ' Here ? Won 't the alarm go off ? ' I glanced up at the smoke detector and noticed the red indicator light wasn 't blinking . ' Nah we took care of that . Just bust open the window and pick a stall , cowboy . ' So I did . I had never really thought about what my first time smoking weed would be like , but I figured that this would be as good a time as any . I hadn 't waited this long for any particular reason , except maybe because Jenny didn 't like it . I tried to remind myself that she wasn 't here to not like it anymore . Thoughts of her leaving me clouded my head and I wanted them gone . I pulled in the smoke hard and held it in even harder . I tried to hold onto it as long as I could but it escaped my lungs in painful fits of coughing . I was embarrassed but James and Tavis assured me that since it was my first time I couldn 't expect much better . The smoke burned my throat and left my tongue feeling dry and sticky . Even though it smelled like rotten eggs I sipped water from the sink out of my hand . I noticed the clock on the wall and realized if I left now I would have been gone exactly fifteen minutes , perfect timing . James said he thought I was ' good people ' and told me if I ever needed anything to let him know . I guess I was a little surprised , but it made me feel even taller . So I left the smoky bathroom and entered the empty halls . As I walked it started to feel like I was walking on air . The doorways started to melt away into skies and the tiles became clouds under my shoes . I closed my eyes and heard James ' voice echo over and over in my head . ' Just pick a stall , cowboy . . . . ' < 13 > ' Connor , if you 're supposed to be a real cowboy then you can 't wear sneakers . Cowboys don 't wear sneakers . And Cowboys wear real Cowboys ' hats too . You 're just a phony ! Phony ! Phony ! Connor is a phony ! ' Halloween was always my favorite holiday . Especially in first grade when I was a cowboy . All the boys in my class were either cowboys or firemen or they just wore all black and had fake blood all over their faces and chased the girls around the room . That was the year my parents were starting to stay up really late and talk really loud after they thought I was asleep . A lot of parents think that their kids don 't remember the fights or they don 't ever hear the car skidding out of the driveway because their kids were too young . But I remember . I mostly remember doors shutting harder than I think doors needed to be shut . I remember lots of silence . But it was always that same kind of silence I hear in the halls ; the kind where I can still hear little secret whispers and I wonder why . I remember the cracking and hissing of beer cans being opened and the sound my dad 's feet made under the gravel in our driveway . I remember how my room looked for the last time before we moved out of our old house in Rockport . There was a chair by the window where my mom would always read me stories . She read books that were much too old for me , but I loved every word and made her read them again and again . I had a small closet that I imagined was a porthole to secret worlds like the ones in the stories she told . My walls were a pale green on the bottom and white on the top , separated by a thick border of lassos and silver spurs that my parent 's picked out when they found out I was going to be a boy . My dad had wanted the football helmets but my mom loved horses and I guess she thought by giving my room a western theme she might sway me into loving them too and asking for riding lessons . I never did want to take lessons , so I guess her plans didn 't work out . She helped me pack up some of my toys and my favorite shirts into boxes . She tol ' I like your star . ' The first time I saw her she was wearing red wings with little black dots on them , and she had two antennas bobbing out from the sides of her brown bowl cut . ' Thanks . I like your antlers . ' My eyes were as wide as the big black dots on her clumsy wings . ' I mean . . . ' She just laughed so hard that it made her . . . antlers . . . wiggle back and forth . ' Come on they 're giving out candy ! ' She grabbed my arm and I was whisked away into her world . Sometimes I used to stare outside in math class and pretend I really did crack open the window and crawl outside into the blinding sun . I heard the chalk making sharp swift taps on the board and tried to follow the powdery white lines against the blackness but they slowly faded . I watched the leaves dance and chase each other in the parking lot , dodging cars and flying up into the air and swirling back down again . Leaves are a lot like people , I think . At least , watching them outside my math class I felt like I was learning more about life from them than I was from the dusty equations mimicked on my teacher 's black sweater . Sometimes I saw a car drive past the window near a pile of freshly raked leaves . The force of the car would pull some of them along with it and send them flying , following the car until they spun away falling in their own directions . I see this happen to people too . Someone seems to scoop a person up as they pass . They become part of them for a while . But they can 't keep them forever . Eventually they both have to be alone . So that 's why I don 't blame Jenny for where I am today . I guess I just got scooped up in her for a while , and that 's how life is . So when people point their crooked fingers at her it makes me feel sad . She didn 't mean for things to turn out this way . If she would have seen me here in the cold lonely place and would have known what was about to happen to me , she would never have left that note on my desk . She would never have asked me to do those bad things . But she did . And here I am . And people need someone to blame for tThe first time I saw Jenny with her new boyfriend Sam I threw up . Twice . The first time was in the hallway on the way to history class . The second time I made it to the bathroom . I don 't think that was any better because I never wanted my face so close to anything in that bathroom , especially the toilet . My teacher told the class there must be something going around . I 'm not sure what he would have said if he knew the real reason I vomited in his classroom . Sam was on the lacrosse team , and he wore t - shirts with numbers on the back that he bought from the mall . His jeans were always just the right fit , with the perfect amount of fray at the bottom . We only had four minutes between periods to get to our next class . I think they made it that short so kids didn 't have time to smoke pot in the bathroom , or make out in front of teachers . I guess they should have made it shorter . I always got to class on time and watched the teachers struggle to tear couples apart in the halls ; threatening them with detentions if they don 't take their affections elsewhere . I watched two pairs of feet approach the door and I recognized the dark brown Diesel sneakers as Jenny 's . I also recognized the perfectly frayed jeans covering the white Puma sneakers next to hers . But they weren 't next to hers at all . They were facing hers . I felt my face getting hot and I didn 't want to look but I had to . I followed the denim up to entangled arms and Jenny 's long brown hair draped over Sam 's sharp chin . Before Mr . Dunn could make it to the door to call Jenny in to class , I found myself clutching my stomach and vomiting all over the floor , just missing Jake Brown 's feet . I hardly heard the shrieks and groans as I dashed out to the bathroom , mostly to hide , and then when I pictured Jenny 's mouth on his , to throw up again . When I passed them I just barely heard the whispers I came to expect , and I just barely felt Jenny 's eyes on the back of my neck . But none of it mattered anymore ; nothing mattered when I was on my hands and knees wrenching my guts i ' So , Cowboy , we meet again . ' I pulled myself to my feet and turned to see James standing behind me with a paper towel . ' Thanks . ' I wiped my mouth and resigned myself to another mouthful of the rotten egg water . ' So what 's your deal ? Up late last night with your buddies Jack and Johnny ? ' ' Nah . Just got a little queasy . ' ' No offense man , but for somebody who doesn 't do shit , you sure look like it . ' I guess this meant a little more coming from James . I didn 't care how much my mom told me I needed a haircut , or how tired I looked all the time . Even my principal telling me I was failing didn 't seem to faze me . But when James told I looked like shit , I felt like shit . ' I guess I 've been a little stressed out . ' ' Yeah , what with your girl cheatin on you and all . ' You see sometimes in the movies when people hear things that shock them , their mouths drop open and sometimes in the cartoons even their chins hit the floor . I think my chin must have hit the floor , because I heard a loud booming inside my head . ' Aww shit man , you mean you never knew ? ' It couldn 't have been true . James must not know all the facts . Jenny would never do that . We were in love . My head was spinning , my eyes started to blur and I had to get out . I just started to leave . I didn 't know where I was going , because I knew I couldn 't go back to class , but I didn 't want to go home either . I didn 't want to have to explain to my mom why I came home early . < 17 > ' Wait , where you goin ? Me and my boys are ditchin . You should come . ' I just shook my head and told him I had to be alone right now . He said he understood , but he told me he wanted me to have something to help me out . ' Here , take one of these . Trust me . You 'll feel better about it . And here 's my cell too . Call me if you need anything else . ' ' What is it ? ' I stared at the white pill in the palm of my hand and almost didn 't care what he said it was . ' It 'll help you forget about that slut and move on with your life . ' I hated the idea of anyone calling Jenny a slut , but I also hated the idea that James could be right . Maybe Jenny was seeing Sam before she left me . I thought back to the day in the park and remembered how fidgety she was . I remember those splinters that her eyes put into my heart and I felt them work their way deeper and deeper . ' Uh actually , do you think you could drive me home ? ' ' No problem . Hope you like Lil John . ' ' Uh , I never met him . ' James yelled ' WHAT ' , in a voice that wasn 't really his own . I heard a lot of other kids saying that around school and figured it must have been an impression . I just looked at him and he banged his boots on the ground like he always did when he laughed . ' Man , Cowboy , you crack me up ! Come on . ' I met Lil John on the ride home . I guess if I listened to the radio more I wouldn 't have looked so dumb . James drove a purple Honda Civic that was so low to the ground I could see the vibration of the road shaking the fibers of the custom purple carpet . The interior was all painted white and across the dashboard , in large gold cursive letters , were the words ' Pimpin Aint Easy ' . I definitely felt out of place , but it was better than being alone , even if it was only for a few minutes . I told James where I lived and it was only a few minutes away . As we got closer I saw we were about to pass Beckett Park . My stomach did a flip and I grabbed my mouth as hard as I could with both hands . I could only imagine what would happen if I threw up in James ' car . I had seen the way he inspecte ' Oh shit , James , this kid 's trippin ! ' James and Tavis both looked back and saw my sweaty palms holding my distended cheeks . My eyes were bulging and tears were about to stream down my face purely from the sick feeling in my stomach . Darrel was half wanting to reach over my lap and roll down my window and half wanting to jump out of his . But I didn 't throw up . I regained control of my stomach just as James started losing control of the car . It was probably only about ten seconds of swerving and foul language before he managed to pull over , but it felt like an eternity . As soon as we stopped there were three sets of eyes all on me . ' Damn , kid ! You tryin to kill us all ? ' ' Yeah , James , where 'd you find this one ? Why 's he rollin with you lately anyway ? ' James didn 't say anything . I think he was still in that shock period . When something big happens to a person , something that really matters , it needs a minute to sink in . I guess almost crashing his Civic needed more than a minute , because he turned off the ignition and put the keys in lap . So there I was on the side of the road right across from Beckett Park , the same park where I stood the day that I watched Jenny walk away from me for the last time , just sitting , and letting it all sink in . ' Cowboy , we need to talk . Outside . ' James looked angry . But he didn 't really sound angry , he sounded more concerned . Sort of like my principal sounded when he told me I was failing ; or like my mom when she said I needed more sleep . So I stepped out onto the grass and followed him until he stopped walking . He stopped by a bench near the lake , right on the runner 's path . Our school used this park for competitions like Cross Country and Soccer . Jenny was on Cross County freshman and sophomore year . I used to sit on that same bench and hold out water for her as she ran by . The runners dropped the cups on the ground as the passed and Jenny and I went around after the competitions and picked them all up . I looked around and wondered who was doing it now . < 19 > ' Connor , you got some kind of issue ? ' James had never called me Connor before ; it was either ' Davis ' or sometimes ' Kid ' like his friends , but usually ' Cowboy ' . I knew he was trying to be my friend but I really didn 't understand why . I felt like there must be some hidden camera somewhere . I scanned the trees for kids hiding with recording equipment and I knew I was just being crazy . ' I guess I 'm just sad . ' Well there , I said it . I was sad . I was sad and lonely and I missed Jenny . ' Lots of people are sad , man . Doesn 't mean they gotta try to puke in my ride . ' ' I 'm sorry . I 've just been a little emotional lately . ' It was sort of wrong to say lately because I was one of those kids that people classify as ' emo ' . Emo is a type of music but it 's also a way to separate kids in school into groups . It 's short for emotional . There were kids like James who listened to music like Eminem , and apparently Lil John . That wasn 't really considered emotional even though I thought anyone who writes their own lyrics and has passion for them should be considered ' emo ' . But the kids in my school thought ' emo ' to be more of a fashion statement than a musical choice . Usually they wore a lot of dark , tight clothes , probably from thrift stores , or they made it look like they bought them there . My favorite bands all sang songs with lyrics about broken hearts and stuff like that . Most of them wore girl 's pants . I didn 't buy girl 's pants but they were just as tight . James ' pants hung around his knees and his boxer 's were almost always showing . ' So what got ya this time ? Did you two do it the back of a Civic once or sumthin ? Bring back ol memories ? ' I hadn 't realized how long it had been since I really smiled . But the way he talked made me feel so comfortable . I didn 't get offended by what he said because I knew he was just trying to help . I felt like I could say anything to him and he would understand . Maybe I was just too lonely . Maybe I should have started seeing a shrink or writing in a journal instead of talking to a drug dealer to get out Sometimes I wonder if there 's ever an exact moment when your life changes , or if it 's just like riding the bus and not having the window seat . Things just change around you when you aren 't watching and before you know it , it 's time to get off . A lot of people ignore what happens to them until one day they can 't ignore it anymore and that bus they 've been sitting on all that time runs them right over . I guess I never noticed how sad the world was . I never noticed how much my heart was filling up with all that sadness , and how it was starting to leak out at the most inopportune times . I couldn 't remember the last time I had been out to dinner alone with my mom . She was a nurse and was taking night classes so she wasn 't home very much . But she had that night off so we went to an Italian place up the street . When we were waiting for our table I sat and watched the people walking in and out . I liked to do that a lot , especially in the mall . There were always so many people in the mall that when I stood still and quiet and just watched them , the ground shook a tiny bit under my feet . I always wondered if everyone else took the time to feel the shaking , if they would still feel safe letting their kids run around building bears and buying burgers all day . In the lobby of the restaurant a family sat down across from us and placed a baby carrier down on the granite floor . I 'm bad at judging people 's ages if they 're under three feet tall , so I don 't know how old the baby was . I guess it was just a few months . I kept watching it just look around the room , staring at all the people and the lights and the paintings on the wall . I couldn 't even tell if it was a girl or a boy . Its skin looked so smooth and flawless and each finger was so perfectly placed and moved on its tiny hands in a delicate rhythm . Its eyes were beautiful and glassy like the little marbles I used to play with at my grandmom 's house . They took in each person , each inch of the world with such careful consideration , such awe . My eyes welled up with tears and I ' Connor , I 'm only going to ask you this once , and you know you can tell me . Are you on drugs ? ' I guess I just got caught up in the part where she said ' you know you can tell me ' , because it was just the opposite . I had never felt like I could tell her anything . Our conversations pretty much stayed within the safe confines of schoolwork and maybe politics or how my Aunt Carolyn 's new job was keeping her up all night . Sometimes we even talked about my dad and how things used to be . It was never that it used to be happy and then all of a sudden we just had to move away or anything like that . I always knew things were bad , even when I was really small . My dad drank a lot , and at first my mom said she thought it made him cooler . He was in some kind of band and my mom said she used to fight off a lot of groupies and then she learned just not to care when she saw them leaving the van in droves . She said she knew Dad loved her so she knew they meant nothing to him . When she told me those things I thought about Jenny and Sam and wondered which category I fell in . I guess my mom would have told me different stories if she knew what was going on in my head . ' Mom , it 's really nothing . I 'm just having a hard time getting over Jenny . She was a big part of my life and now she 's not . But you don 't have to worry , I 'll get over it , people always do . ' I figured that was what she wanted to hear . It was the truth , so it made me feel better . There was still something bothering me though , I could feel it in my stomach and it made me not want to eat any of my Fettuccini Alfredo . I had been walking around for so long with this feeling . It was like I was in an airplane about to jump . My mom finished her food and I played around with mine until the waitress boxed it up . She just kept talking to me about life and love and how everything works out in the end . She said that things happen for a reason ; she said life isn 't always fair , Lord knows . I wondered why she added Lord knows , because usually when people said things like that they just kWhen I lay in my bed that night a thousand thoughts flew through my brain . I pictured myself old and grey sitting on the porch of that tiny blue house all alone . I pictured Jenny far away in some perfect suburban neighborhood with probably not a white picket fence , but just a plain wooden one . A Dalmatian , her favorite kind of dog ever since she saw 101 Dalmatians at Samantha Jenson 's birthday party in second grade , would be playing in the yard . She would be in the house sitting by her fireplace reading a book . Even in my head I couldn 't help but picture two cars in the driveway , one of them belonging to Sam . I tossed the sheets off my sweating body and pulled myself into the bathroom . Being an only child I had a bathroom in my room that I didn 't have to share with anyone . My mom got some kind of inheritance from my Aunt Lillian a few years ago so we could afford to move into a house big enough not to have to share sinks . Actually Aunt Lillian was my Great Aunt , but we left the great part out . I don 't know why , I thought she was pretty great considering she got me my own private bathroom . Next to the sink sat a tiny white pill . My mom didn 't come in my bathroom much so I wasn 't worried about leaving it out . Even if she did go in there , she was a nurse so I could always just tell her I found it and see if that worked . I knew she was in a little bit of denial about how I was acting , and when a mom is in denial it usually works to a kid 's benefit . I didn 't need to worry about it anyway because I grabbed the pill and a glass of water and swallowed it without even looking up . I walked back to bed and hoped that whatever James had given me would just let me rest . I watched the clock by my bed slowly start to shrink as I began to float above my mattress . I felt my mouth moving and felt my arms floating all around my body but couldn 't figure out what they were up to . I heard a tapping at my window and squinted to see a bright light flickering and floating on the other side . In my head I knew I couldn 't possibly be floati ' What the hell is going on ? ' Jenny stood in front of me in shorts and a big t - shirt . I felt like I was going to throw up again , but this time it didn 't have anything to do with her . ' Our boy 's got some shit he needs to resolve . ' Darrel spoke from near the oak tree . His voice caught me off guard and made me spin around . The spinning made me dizzy and I fell onto one knee . No one around me moved to help me , but I wasn 't really sure who I expected help from . I wasn 't even sure how I got to where I was , or if what was going on around me was even reality . I wondered how I could find out if I was dreaming , and I remembered that in my dreams whenever I fell I always woke up before I hit the ground . I stood back up on my feet and let myself fall without using my hands to catch me . When my face hit the ground , even though it didn 't hurt at all , I knew I must not be dreaming . Jenny had never looked at me like that before , and I knew my dreams would never make her look at me that way . ' What did you do to him ? ' This was one of those times when I didn 't want to be talked to like I wasn 't there . I didn 't want to be called ' him ' , not by Jenny . ' He 'll be alright . Darrel , help him into the car . We 're done here . ' I didn 't want to get in the car . Whatever high I was on was quickly wearing off and I was trying to piece together the events of the last few hours . There was a crumpled piece of paper sticking out of my pocket and I pulled it out to see what it was . It was James ' cell phone number . On the back was Jenny 's address , and another address that I didn 't recognize . I took one more look at Jenny standing on the porch , her arms crossed , her eyes concerned and confused , and I turned and walked away . < 24 > ' Whoa there buddy , careful . ' James and Darrel helped me into the car and we sped off without another word to Jenny . I watched her out the window as she stood staring on the porch , her body getting smaller and smaller . This time I was the one leaving her standing alone , and it gave me some strange comfort even in the awkward circumstances . ' So you done for the evening then or you still wanna pay a visit to Sammy boy ? ' My focus turned to the front seat and I stared down at the note in my hand . I noticed the baseball bat on the floor near my feet and wondered if either of them had been holding it while they stood behind me on Jenny 's lawn . As I was spiraling down from the wild high I was on , the drug started to have a different effect on my mind . Calm was washing over my body like rain and seeping into my veins . I closed my eyes and asked James to take me home . I heard whispering in the front seat but I paid no attention to it . I was trying to remember why I wanted to come here in the first place . Strange thoughts started floating into my head and I couldn 't tell what was real and what I was dreaming up . I was picturing the door of Jenny 's house swinging open as it did only a few minutes before to reveal a baby carrier sitting inside . In my head I stepped inside the house and turned the carrier around to see a tiny child inside with a sharp chin , dressed awkwardly in tiny frayed jeans and a blue shirt with big white numbers on the front . The door slammed behind me and I found myself trapped inside , only to realize that the door slamming was only Darrell getting out of the car . Both he and James were tugging at my arm and trying to get my attention . ' Uh . . . a . . . baby ? ' I said , confused and slurring my words . I was trying to ask them why my mind was showing me a baby dressed up like Sam , inside Jenny 's doorway , but that 's all that would come out . Darrel was the first to speak although I could tell by how James looked at me that he was the one that should have been doing the talking . < 25 > ' Damn kid , you really can 't handle youself , can ya ? Whatchu talking bout . . . a baby ? ' ' She . . . does she ? I saw a . . . never mind . ' They pulled me the rest of the way out of the car and walked me to the back of my house . I went in through the cellar door to avoid my mom , and walked in the dark for what felt like hours , especially because I had to pee . Being in the pitch dark and trying to find my way up the steps through the mess of boxes wouldn 't have been so hard if my bladder hadn 't been so full . But I made it . I also made it to my bed only after seeing that my mom had left for her early shift at work already and didn 't even notice that I was gone . I spent the next few minutes trying to fall asleep , watching a ladybug crawl across my ceiling . I thought it must have sticky little feet , at least I hoped it had sticky feet when it crawled to the section of ceiling directly over my head . I pulled the covers up over my face before I finally fell asleep anyway , just in case . I decided to go to school the next day even though the space under my eyes was a deep purple , and the space inside them that should have been white , was a deep red . School was a lot easier once I made the decision to stop caring about it . I stopped taking notes in history , and just wrote my name over and over as many different ways as I could . By giving up on school I guess I was giving up on graduating , and giving up on ever going to college . I never really thought much about what I wanted to be when I grew up . Our teachers and counselors always asked us where we saw ourselves in ten years , and that was a good indication of what we should try to achieve . I could never see myself anywhere . Maybe I should have seen that as a sign and tried to do something about it back then . But I try to think that things happen for a reason , even if I 'm not exactly sure what the reason is for what 's going to happen to me . Maybe someday there will be a reason , or maybe there already is and I just haven 't figured it out yet . < 26 > I sat at my desk fighting sleep and scribbling stars onto my notebook while Mr . Dunn told the class about some war somewhere else in the world some hundreds of years ago . Something stopped my pen from writing and made it drop from my fingers onto the ink splattered notebook . It was Jenny 's hand placing a note on my desk . Jenny had the most beautiful hands . She always said they were what she liked most about herself . She kept her fingernails short even though her friends were always jealous of how fast they grew . But Jenny always cut them off . Our music teacher said Jenny should play Piano because she had the perfect hands for it . She never did learn . I opened the note when Mr . Dunn turned his back and saw that there wasn 't much to read . ' I know you know . Meet me by the lake after school . ' The lake meant the park . The park meant Beckett Park , and that meant the possibility of me getting sick again . I just hoped I could control my weak stomach for one afternoon . I had managed to sit through her placing a note on my desk and that was ok , so maybe I would be all right . The rest of the day just dragged on . The clock seemed to go backwards . Finally in last period I didn 't even realize I had fallen asleep on my desk and the bell made my heart explode into my throat . I walked out the front doors and the sun hit my eyes and made me have to squint to see anything . It was warm outside already . I had been forgetting to flip my California Quotes Calendar , and it had been stuck on the town of Winnetka ' Where They Understand the Weight of Human Hearts ' since October . It was now April . I saw Jenny sitting on the ground throwing what must have been bread or crackers into the lake . The ducks were all swimming towards her . She saw me coming and threw the last bits of what I now saw were pretzels into the lake and stood up dusting herself off . < 27 > ' Thanks for showing up , ' she said , as if she thought she was just going to be spending the rest of the afternoon waiting with the ducks . This was really the first time I had spoken to her since we were here last , and all I felt was empty . I still had that feeling in the pit of my stomach like I was about to jump out of a plane . There was never a time when I looked at Jenny and felt anything but love . My chest was always caving in with so much love for her that I think that 's why I felt so sad . I couldn 't do anything with all that love any more . And when I felt sad about something else I didn 't have anyone to go to . Before I knew that Jenny felt the same way I did about the shaking floors in the mall and about lonely cats . The other day after school I saw a cat sitting on the side of the road by a field . It was just sitting there perfectly still staring into the field all alone . I wondered who was going to feed it , where it would sleep . If it would wander around and get hit by someone who didn 't see its jet black fur darting across the street . Things like that made me sad but Jenny always knew what to say . She would tell me that the cat 's name was Blackie and that he was the best mouse hunter in Logan . She would say she saw him running around at night by trash cans and through fields . He wasn 't lonely , he was just resting , taking in the beauty of the field . He was an artsy introspective cat and he needed his time alone to reflect that 's all . But now Jenny wasn 't there to tell me these things so all I saw was a sad lonely cat and I imagined horrible futures for him . I stared off at the ducks pecking at the soggy pretzels floating on the water . I had no idea why I was there but I just decided to let Jenny talk , mostly because I hadn 't heard her voice in so long . ' I know you know . I 'm not really sure how . But I 'm not mad about it . I 'm sure you 're upset , I 'm sorry you had to find out however you did . ' < 28 > I had no idea what she was talking about . I just watched her lips move and her hair spin circles around her neck as the wind blew . I didn 't want to interrupt her because her voice calmed me so much . I could feel my knees weakening and pleading my legs to let them fall . She looked like she was done for a moment so I prepared myself to ruin things and tell her I was lost . ' Actually , I don 't know what you 're saying at all . ' ' You don 't ? ' She said , confused but seeming not to believe me . ' No . I just came here to find out , I guess . ' I could see in her face that she was thinking hard . It seemed like she was deciding whether or not to tell me whatever it was I was supposed to already know . Then she took a deep breath and walked to the runner 's bench and sat down . I followed slowly and watched her hand fall down next to her signaling for me to sit . And I did . ' Connor , I know you 've taken this hard , and I 'm sorry . But you know I would do anything for you , right ? ' I knew she loved me once , but I also knew she left me . And ' anything ' sure covers a lot . But I said yes anyway , mostly because I wanted to find out this big secret of hers . ' And you would do anything for me too , right ? ' She stared me right in the eyes as she spoke and it sent the hairs on my arms straight to the sky and the words straight out of my lips . ' Sure . Anything . ' ' Well , I thought you already knew this , so it 's kind of tough to say it to you , with our history and all , but . . . ' She was looking out towards the lake now and her face was like a stone . I watched her eyes as the words escaped her lips and it seemed there was no joy , no spark , no light . < 29 > ' I 'm pregnant . ' I wasn 't sure what to feel . It was like in some strange way I already knew , but it still hurt to hear it straight from her lips . I was never good at those sorts of things . Giving advice or consoling friends . But I was a good listener , so I figured I would just let her talk . ' He doesn 't know yet . But if he finds out he 'll kill me . ' The word kill scared me because of what James told me about Sam and his anger . I wasn 't sure if I should ask Jenny if he hits her , but she started to speak again before I could decide . ' He 'll deny it 's his and beat me more . I don 't know why I stay . . . so stupid . . . . ' Her voice trailed off and she grabbed at her face with both hands . Only then when her t - shirt rose a bit did I notice a deep bruise on the pale skin of her back . The anger rose in me and thoughts spun in my head like a carousel . My hands started to shake and my heart was beating fast . I wondered to myself why she came to me . Maybe she just wanted to talk to me about it and make sure I would keep my mouth shut since she thought I knew ? I wanted to see why I was brought into this , because if there was no other reason I would find my own . ' Jenny , I have to ask you , why do you want me to know all this ? ' She placed her hands back in her lap and this time she looked directly at me when she spoke . ' Because I need your help . ' And that 's pretty much it . I guess there are moments that change your life , because that was a moment that changed mine . I guess there were a few other moments that changed it too , but if I hadn 't agreed to kill Sam Watson that afternoon then I wouldn 't be here today . Today my home is a twelve by twelve cell in the Michigan State Penitentiary . Tomorrow at midnight I get out . I 'm not sure exactly where I 'm going yet though . I 've been placed on death row by a jury of my peers , although all of my peers happened to be at least twenty years older than me . I 've been in here for a while , I guess I lost track of time . I started doing that a long time ago . I like my lawyer even though he didn 't do a veAfter I agreed to help her kill her boyfriend I wondered what was wrong with me . And what was wrong with her to ask me to do such a thing ? But those thoughts passed as quickly as they came because now I was getting to spend so much time with Jenny again . It was just like it used to be . Jenny had planned on doing something to the engine in Sam 's car , or messing around with the wires so that when it started , it would explode . That way there would be no evidence against her . She just didn 't know what to do to the engine to make it explode . That 's where I came in . My mom 's friend Bill owned an auto mechanic shop and I used to work there in the summers . I learned a lot about cars ; even how to blow them up . I guess I never thought I would need to use that skill , but it came in handy on April 18 , 2003 , the day I killed Sam Watson . It was just like any other day I guess . It was starting to get warmer and harder to see my breath even in the dark . I only remember things like that . People like my lawyer and Sam 's parent 's get angry with me for that because they think I 'm lying . But sometimes your mind keeps all the good stuff and doesn 't leave room for the bad stuff any more . I guess that 's why I don 't remember much from that day . I do remember walking down the street and some neighbor 's dog that I never noticed before starting barking at me . I was always walking everywhere . My mom said maybe next year she would help me buy me a car . I never minded walking though . I remember throwing a stick to the dog and watching how high he jumped to get it . I wondered why he cared so much about something like that . The cell phone that lay dormant in my room for months had recently found its way into my pocket once again and it vibrated there for a moment until I grabbed it and saw the green lights flashing Jenny . My heart leaped higher than the dog leaped for the stick he was now carefully burying in the corner . < 31 > ' Is it over ? ' She asked , her voice a bit shaky . ' Yes . ' I didn 't know what else to say . I had just committed a murder , basically for hire . I felt a bit awkward . ' Ok . Just go home and act normal . I 'll do the same thing . I 'll see you at school . Uhm . . . Connor . . . thanks ; for being there for me . ' She hung up the phone before I could say anything back . That was the last time I heard her voice . She killed herself when the six o clock news came on and it showed Sam 's car exploding into a fiery mass of metal and glass . It also showed my face in the upper right hand corner as the suspect . I guess the school and the police put it all together . Maybe I wasn 't as good an auto mechanic as I thought . However they figured it out , they did . The police were at my house before I was . I saw James standing near my house as they drove me away . I hope he didn 't feel like any of this was his fault . I know Jenny felt like it was all her fault . Her dad had a handgun under his mattress and Jenny took it in her mouth in what I could only imagine was her last desperate attempt to control her own fate . Or maybe it was those thoughts in her head that you can never control just taking over . I guess no one ever really knows . I don 't know what heaven is , and I don 't know where people go who steal the lives of others , or who take their own . But I can only sleep tonight dreaming of a place where everyone I love can be together all at once , where there are no crooked fingers being pointed or tiny whispers being echoed . There is only love . I can only dream that tomorrow when I 'm laying on that table and my thoughts spread out like an ocean , that maybe somewhere that ocean will meet up with Jenny again , and we can spend eternity floating together through an endless sea .

Living overseas you have to learn how to do certain things . One of them is how to barter . Did you know that even in a " fixed price " shop you can usually talk the shop keeper down a little bit ? I 've had a lot of fun learning how to barter since I moved to ! nd ! a . At first I was a bit shy in this area , and when I would try it , I didn 't start very low so I 'd end up only getting 20 rupees off whatever it was I was buying . ( That 's when you start hearing things like , " For you , special price , 10 rupees [ 20 cents ] less . " ) But I 've gotten much better . The best buy I have gotten yet was when Suzy and I went to D3lhi the second time for my passport . We were walking down the street not really even intending to buy anything when these little elephant key chains caught my eye . My sister 's birthday was coming up , so knowing she likes elephants , I asked the guy how much they were . He said they were 250 rupees ( about $ 5 ) . I was utterly shocked ! I said " 250 rupees for ONE ? ! ? ! " He then informed me that it was for the whole package of five . Well , I only wanted one , so I asked how much for just one . " Oh , we cannot sell just one . They come in a package . " I said no thanks and began walking away , fully intending not to buy them . But as I was walking away he said , " Ok , Ok madam . How much ? " I looked directly at him and said " 30 rupees . " He then said he 'd give them to me for 225 . " No , 30 rupees is all I will pay . " And I walked away . " Ok , ok madam . How much ? " " 30 rupees is all I will pay . " " Ok , for you , 200 rupees . " " No sir . I don 't think you understand . I will not pay any more than 30 rupees because I only want one . I don 't want the whole package . " And I walked away again . This happened several times . He 'd call me back , ask how much , I 'd say 30 rupees , he 'd go down with his price a little bit , and I 'd walk away only to be called back again . Finally he was down to about 100 rupees when I looked him in the eye and said , " Sir . I only want ONE of these elephants . I don 't Posted by I 've got lots to say right now , but not much time to say it . So , I 'll wait with all of that for a future post . But I wanted to let you all know why I no longer have pictures on my website . About two weeks ago Suzy and I went to D3lhi for a couple of days . When we got back I was doing a Mac OS X combined update for my computer but it didn 't install all the way and as a result my computer wouldn 't turn on . I tried a few things , called my brother and tried some things he suggested , but to no avail . However , lucky me , there is an authorized Apple place in D3hra D . n , so last Monday Suzy and I got on a bus again and heading the D . D . ( only about one hour down the mountain ) But , unlucky me , he was not able to do anything but erase my hard drive and reinstall Mac OS X . So , because I hadn 't gotten an external hard drive yet ( stupid professional procrastinator that I am ) I lost EVERYTHING on my computer ! Pictures ( I can get them back from the Clover 's and Suzy though ) , music ( the nice guy at that worked on my computer gave me his iTunes library though , complete with Michael Jackson , Aqua ( Barbie Girl ) , Hannah Montana , Barbara Streisand , Britney Spears , The Doors , The Eagles , Elton John , Elvis Presley , Grateful Dead , Hillary Duff , Jimi Hendrix , Jonas Brothers , Josie and the Pussycats , and Linkin Park , among MANY others ! ! ) all my knitting patterns and recipes , quasi important documents ( many of these I had in emails , so that ended up being ok ) EVERYTHING ! ! ! It was really frustrating . Also included in the loss was my iWeb ( the program I use to make this website ) which meant that I had to copy and past my website from the web back into iWeb in order to keep what I already had posted . Grrrr . I did the blog part of it first because that was pretty easy . But I got really tired of it so I decided not to do the pictures . So , that I why there are not pictures on here anymore ( other that what was on my blog updates ) . But I 'll try and get some pictures uploaded again soon . And I have a camera of my own now , so I don 't have to kPosted by Yesterday was my host mom 's birthday . I wanted to do something special for her but I knew she wouldn 't just let me through her a party . So , I planned a surprise party . I talked to Salim ( my host dad ) about it and felt like I was able to explain pretty well what I had planned and that he understood the gist of it . Then I had Karishma ( Sitara 's youngest ) help me pick out some cloth to give her for a new suit . The next day we went to pick out bangles to match it . My cover was almost blown though when Sitara and I went there the next day to get bangles to match my Id ( Eed , a Musl ! m holiday ) suit because the lady said something about my being there just the day before . I tried my best to just shrug it off . On Friday I went to the Clover 's house to bake a cake . This was slightly difficult for me because I was fasting with my host family . ( The last Friday of R0z0n is pretty important and everyone fasts . They 'd been asking me for awhile if I 'd fast with them . Suzy 's family was asking her the same thing , so we both decided to fast with our host families . ) When I make a cake my favorite part of making it is eating a bit of the batter . I always leave a bit extra in the bowl to lick out . And I couldn 't do that on Friday . But I made it though . Then after dinner I went to Suzy 's house to frost the cake . I still haven 't been able to make frosting just the right consistency here yet , so my frosting was a bit thin and wouldn 't stay on the sides of the cake . I decided to let it sit overnight and fix it in the morning . When I went to Suzy 's the next day the frosting was in great shape to fix the cake . But I couldn 't decorate it because the two kids of the family Suzy lives with wanted to watch and they didn 't get home from school till the afternoon . So , I had to wait . When they got home ( and after the parade ) I finished the cake and headed home . We had dinner and I tried to get Sitara to let me wash the dishes after dinner , but she insisted on doing them . But I did the last half of them because she had to goPosted by Early this week I went down to the internet cafe to print some things off . The family that runs it is Shik and told me that the Shik temple was going to have a parade on Saturday . And that they 'd be giving out free food all day . He also told me that if I wanted to help cook the food with the ladies I could . I wasn 't quite sure about that cause I thought I 'd be more in the way than any help , but I for sure wanted to make a point of checking out all the festivites on Saturday . So yesterday Suzy and I went down but were kind of confused about where to go , so we just kept walking and ended up sitting in a restaurant to talk and hang out . We both went home after a bit as it was getting close to lunch . Then after lunch I went back to Suzy 's because the parade was supposed to start at 2 . Soon we heard the bands and knew it was about to start . Sure enough up the hill came the parade . They go up the fill first to the bus stand and then come back down again and continue on to the Library side of Mall Road . It wasn 't quite as exciting as the last parade , but it was still fun . I was getting ready to go down and decorate Sitara 's birthday cake when Iube ( Suzy 's host dad ) said that there was going to be more festivities down by Clock Tower . So , Suzy and I headed down . She brought her camera and I borrowed the Clover 's . We got down there long before the parade ever did because we took the lower road to avoid all the crowds . When we got there we saw Salim and Sitara at one of the stores buying things for Id . I asked them if they were going to watch the parade and they said sure . We had to wait for at least half an hour before we heard the bands coming . At first I was kinda disappointed because it was all the same as we saw at the top of the hill . But soon that all changed ! The ambulance ( which I thought was just trapped in the middle of the parade ) came and the started taking things out of it . It started with a guy swinging this long tin whip around . It was crazy ! ! The tin was about two inches wide and maybe ten feI got almost all of this all on video and thought I got the very last part , but when I looked at Suzy 's camera last night it wasn 't there . But I did post the rest of the videos , so check them out on my videos page ! ! So , last night we had some guests over for dinner . My host mom told me that her son had invited two guys over for dinner but I didn 't think much of it . But when they got here I realized that these weren 't just any guys , these were some quasi important Musl ! m people . I still am not sure if they were imams or something though . Anywho . We sat down to dinner and ate our fig , then our bowl of fruit and started in on the appetizers ( we always have some type of fried thingers that I consider appetizers ) when Arif and the two guests stood up . Sitara went and got three pr @ yer mats and began to lay them out in the living room / dinning room floor . She then said her and I would eat dinner on the couch ( really more like a bed ) since the chairs at the table would be in the way . Once we were seated the guys began their pr @ yers . It was really an interesting thing to watch since they said all the pr @ yers in Arabic . They would recite a prayer then bend over , stand up , and then kneel on their mats with their heads to the floor . It went on for about 15 minuets or so . When they were done they went back to the table and finished eating . When they left Sitara told me she felt bad because she was supposed to give them each a new suit ( not like a suit and tie , but as in the local dress ) but she didn 't know till that afternoon that they were coming and it was not enough time to go and get a suit . She also told me that these guys had been at the mosk since R @ mmadon started ( last week ) pr @ ying and reciting the Korh @ n . It was really quite interesting . Later that evening we were looking at some of their pictures and there was a picture of a group of men without their shirts and their backs were all cut and bloody . I asked her about it and she said that there are two different sects of Musl ! ms in ! nd ! a . One of them believe that their prophet had done this and that they need to do it also . So , they have a day dedicated to whipping their backs . At the end of the day they go to a certain area of town where they had been burning wood all day . WhePosted by I realized today that I never finished this ongoing entry . So , here is the rest of the story . On July 19th Suzy and I got up early and headed to the bus station . This time we had to travel from Muss00r ! e so we had an extra leg to our trip . We took a bus from here is D . D . Once there we had to go to the main ISBT ( bus station ) and get a bus to D3lhi . The trip there was uneventful , no bus crashes or anything . Once we arrived in D3lhi we found the metro and took it to C @ naught Place . We had decided that since we were in D3lhi we would go to Papa John 's for dinner . Oh ! It was so good ! ! We 've tried Pizza Hut and Dominos here too and I think that Papa John 's is the closest to the pizza from the States . After dinner we walked to the train station to find a hotel in the bazar there . They tried to get us to take an air conditioned room for twice the price of one without , but it really wasn 't that hot and we were only going to be there for one night . We settled in and went to sleep . The next morning we took an auto to the embassy to pick up my new passport . We were old pros at this by now . While we waited there was an American couple who were filing for new passports . We talked to them a bit and found out that they had been getting on a train for D . D . when her purse was stolen ! Both their passport and their money were in it . So , here they were . They ended up being able to get passports that day because they were going to be heading back to the States later that week . We left there to go to the FRRO to apply for a new visa . When we got there we had to wait in a HUGE line ! ! We must have waited maybe an hour and a half . But there were all kinds of people who just went in . I was slightly confused , so I went up and checked it out while Suzy stayed in line . But , it was just the people from Afghan who were going in because they had a separate line . So , back to my spot I went . When it was finally my turn I went to the reception desk gave them my new passport , the documents they gave me at the embassy , copy of my old one and I went to that counter and no one was there . So , I tried to talk to the lady at the next desk but she said to wait till this person came back . So I waited . And waited . And waited . Finally the lady at the other desk made a phone call and then asked to see my papers . I gave them to her and she shuffled through them a bit then told me to leave them ( with my new passport ) in a pile on this other desk and to come back at four . I was a bit uneasy about leaving the passport I had just got that morning , but didn 't really have a choice . Suzy and I went to lunch and came back at four . I went to the desk I had left all my documents at and asked if my visa was ready . The lady shuffled though the stack till she found my papers , looked at them and said no , it was not ready yet . She wrote something on the paper and told me to go to the reception desk . I walked over there to find on one there and a sign above that said reception was open until two . But I waited anyway . And while I waited our friends showed up . They also were told to come back at four . Finally someone came and looked at my papers . He wrote something on them and sent me to counter five . To counter five I went . They lady looked at my papers asked me when I was planning on leaving ! nd ! a and I told her 180 days from May 13th . She wrote on my papers and sent back to the desk where I 'd left my papers before . When I got there the lady looked at what counter five had written and said she had not completed it . I told her she was not sure when 180 days from May 13th was , so this lady thought for a bit and just picked a day in November . Ha ! Then she sent me back to counter five . At counter five the women finished writing what she had started before , put a stamp in my passport with some numbers and sent me back to the other counter . This lady then proceeded to sign in some areas , and told me to take one stack of papers back to counter five . I took them , gave them to the lady and she shuffled through them and just set them aside . I waited , but she didn 't tell me anythinPosted by It seems that my whole time here in ! nd ! a has been spent moving every few weeks . And each time I move I think , " Ok . This is where I 'll be for at least a couple months . " But then within just a short time I am packing my things again and moving . This time I have moved in with a Musl ! m family , and just in time for Rammadon too ! They are a really fun family and enjoy playing games a lot . : D They have one son who is 19 , and two daughters who are 16 and 17 . Sitara ( the mom ) speaks really good english and is able to help me with my H ! nd ! almost every day . If you were in another country that loved to dance and your new friends asked you to teach them a popular American dance what would be the first one that came to your mind ? For Suzy and I it was the Macarana . Twice . The first time was at the hostel . And then this afternoon we went over to Mohammed 's house and the girls were asking us to teach them an American dance . " Hey ! Macarana . " Aksa , his youngest at six years old caught onto it pretty darn quick . It was a lot of fun . I so enjoy going over to their house ! ! Tomorrow I am going to teach Aksa how to make a chocolate cake . That should be a lot of fun ! : ) She goes to an English medium school but is only in kindergarten so she doesn 't yet know a lot of English . But , I think we should be able to make a cake well enough . Tonight I was working with Aksa on her English reading . She always get her b 's and d 's mixed up . ( something I am sure each one of us did in kindergarten as well ! ) I tried to help her remember which was which by showing her that b 's point to the right and d 's to the left . We 'll see if she remembers tomorrow . Anyway . I guess that 's all ( for now ) folks ! Since Suzy and I moved into our new place I have looked out my bedroom window and watched the ladies across the alley knitting . They often go sit on each others balconies while they knit and visit with each other . I am also a knitter ( though not as good as they are . They knit sweaters without any pattern at all ! ! ) and I have been longing to go sit and knit with them . They always seem like they are having so much fun . Well , today I got my opportunity . Suzy and I were watching Grayson and Deakin while Stephen and Amber went out for their date night . The boys love to go up on our roof ( we have a flat roof ) and hang out up there . So , while Suzy cooked dinner I took the boys up there . We were looking down at all the hustle and bustle in the ally and the boys got the attention of the ladies knitting . They smiled at the boys for a bit and then motioned to come down with them ! : ) We hurried downstairs and I looked at my pattern to see what squares came next in the blanket I am knitting and headed back to the alley . It was a lot of fun . The boys played with the two ladies children while I knitted away . They even called me their friend ! ! : ) What a great evening it was ! ! And now I can say that I am part of the knitting community out back . : ) Posted by Last night I called my best friend , Leslie . Wow ! It was so good to hear her voice . I was so excited to actually be talking with her that I didn 't know what to say ! I think I didn 't realize how much I missed her until I got to talk to her . I miss hanging out with her , goofing off ( we did PLENTY of this ! ! ) playing games , drinking coffee ( sometimes WAY too much ! ! ) being able to share what is on our hearts with each other , and so many other things . She is the one person who truly understands me , and accepts me for who I am without trying to change anything about me . I miss her so much ! I also got to talk to my little sister the other day . I 've been able to email her and have gotten a few emails back , but there 's just something about being able to hear her voice and actually have a conversation . I miss her and the boys tons ! I think that 's one of the hardest things about being so far away Since we moved into our house we have had several women stop by . All of them were offering their services for house cleaning and / or cooking . The first one to stop by was a lady who used to work here or something . She knocked on our door one after noon and after about five minutes of her speaking in H ! nd ! and our trying our best to figure out what she was saying , we finally decided she was offering to clean for us . At one point she walked into our dinning room , then into Suzy 's room and finally mine . All while talking about cleaning ( I think ) . We finally decided to call someone to translate for us . And this is when we figured out she used to work here . We told her to come back later when Kishan ( one of the guys who takes care of this place while our landlord is in Delh ! ) and talk to him . It was quite the adventure . After this incident we had several more ladies stop by . One of them even had a reference letter from the person she worked for before ! But because we are only two people we don 't feel that we need help to clean our house . But , if we wanted I 'm sure we could have the pick of the litter ! ! This morning Suzy went and picked Grayson and Deakin up because we were going to watch them all day today . Stephen and Amber needed a good day to just rest and not worry about taking care of the boys since they have both been sick for the past week . We had a fun time with the boys today , but the most interesting part was when our house was invaded by five other small children . We have a VERY small porch on our house . More like a hallway with a gate that leads directly to the main street through L @ undour . ( the part of Mussoor ! e we live in ) Grayson was picking apart some small daisy type flowers in our living room saying he was going to clean them up , but they pieces were too small for him to clean up , so I told him to go out to the porch and do it . Deakin followed him out there so I went to make sure the gate was latched . While I was out there several small ( maybe K - 2nd gradeish ) saw the boys and stopped to say hi . One of the boys was trying to figure out how to open the gate the whole time . I wasn 't sure I really wanted them on our porch because I thought they might come into the house and I had my computer in the living room at the time . But , he finally figured out how to open the gate . I brought Deakin inside and told Gray to stay on the porch and try not to let the kids inside . Soon we saw several little face looking through the window and not long after that the door opened and the faces were peaking inside our house . They all decided to let themselves in and proceeded to invade our house . I put my computer under the couch and we did our best to keep them in the living room . One of the girls saw me winding yarn into balls ( yarn here just comes in a big loop ) and showed me her backpack . It had a giant whole in the bottom and she was asking me if I could fix it for her . I got my needle and thread out and began to fix it . While I was doing this the five ( it seemed like WAY more ) were turning the TV on and off , fighting ( and I mean fighting ! ! ) over the remote , trying to play with Grayson 's toys ( which he was not too happy about ) and getting into everything ! It was pretty hectic . Deakin was not sure what to think about it all . The two boys finally left and when I finished with the backpack we tried to get the girls to head home also . I was pretty sure their parents would be starting to worry about them soon . It took us awhile , but we were finally able to herd them out the door . I 'm still not sure what I think about this invasion . It was kind of fun , but also slightly stressful . And that concludes the account of how our house was invaded . Sunday came and we decided that because of the culture that Suzy and I would go to D3lhi instead of Stephen and I . So , we spent the evening at the Clover 's playing games . We were planning on taking an overnight bus so we left the Clover 's about 10 : 30 so we could catch the 11 : 30 AC bus . When we got to the bus station there was a bus getting ready to pull out , but it wasn 't an AC so we decided to wait . Stephen came with us to the station so we found a set of benches and waited . We waited till about 12 when Stephen went and asked someone when the next AC to D3lhi was going to come . He came back to report that there wouldn 't be any more busses ( AC or not ) till 4 : 30am ! So , we went back home . Monday night we left the Clover 's at 9 : 30 to make sure we didn 't miss our bus . When we got to the bus station there were about a dozen busses to D3lhi sitting around ! It 's amazing what the difference of an hour can make . But even with all the busses to D3lhi there weren 't any AC busses with seats left . So , we got on one of the cheap ones . We got as comfortable as we could and tried to get some sleep . Some time around 4 : 30ish we went over a big bump and Suzy went flying out of her seat and landed in the isle ! It was pretty crazy ! Then around 5 - 5 : 30ish we crashed . Yes , you read that right . Our bus crashed . We never did figure out what happened or what we crashed into though . We hit something in front first , bounced off and hit a bus behind us , bounced again and hit whatever the first thing was . The whole front window was shattered and the bus driver 's arms had all kinds of cuts on them . Part of the back window was shattered too , but not as bad . We all just sat there for a few minutes . Then everyone started gathering their things and getting off the bus , so Suzy and I did the same . There were a couple other busses sitting just down the road and everyone was getting onto these , so again we followed . We had to stand on the bus the rest of the way , but it wasn 't much more than 30 minutes . And that was our adventure toPosted by Last Wednesday the Clover 's , Suzy and I went to the bazaar to buy what we needed to set up house in Muss00rie . We had made a few purchases when we got to the metal works store . This was where we were going to buy the bulk of what we needed . The shop keeper began to show us some of the things on our list . We picked out two of almost everything since next month we will be living in two different flats . We were there for at least an hour trying to get him to show us the " simple " products . Finally we felt we had what we needed and he began to tally up our purchases . I went to get my wallet out of my purse when I realized that it was unzipped . I got a sinking feeling in my gut . I reached in knowing my wallet was gone . I had just gone to the bank that morning and had close to $ 300 in rupees along with my passport in my wallet . We looked all around the shop but it was really gone . Stolen . We finished up at the shop and went back to the Clover 's . The man they are staying with is a retired police officer so he was able to help us with what we needed to do . He called the police station and had someone come to the house . I called my bank and had my card shut off while Suzy did some research about the embassy . The next day Stephen and I went down to the police station to turn in the report and get it certified . We were planning on heading to D3lhi to get my passport taken care of . But when we called we found out that the embassy would be close on Friday for a three day weekend . " Oh , yeah . Saturday is the 4th of July . " So , we postponed the trip and instead had a picnic of BBQ chicken , potato salad , fruit salad , brownies and ice cream for the 4th . To be continued . . . We have found a home ! It 's been awhile since I didn 't have to live out of my suitcase or live in just a small room . After a week of house hunting Suzy and I found a REALLY GREAT house ! ! It is a two bedroom house with a living room , kitchen , dinning room and bathroom . We also have a flat roof and are able to hang our cloths on the cloths line up there to dry . And to top it all off there are no leaks or mold ! What a joy it is to unpack everything and set up house . So , for almost the past month the Clover 's , Suzy and I have been living in a two bedroom house together . When we came to Muss00rie to look for places to live we could only find the one . So , we thought that for a month it 'd be ok . And in the beginning it worked out good because there was SO much work that needed done on this house . It hadn 't been lived in for two years and was REALLY dirty ! ! We are talking mold covered walls . So , we all worked together to get it livable . But , we were getting to the point that we really need our own spaces . So , Suzy and I have been house hunting all week and we finally found a place ! ! It 's a two bedroom house with a kitchen , dinning room , living room and one bathroom . It also has a flat roof where I can sit and play my guitar or have a small garden in pots . I am really looking forward to moving in on the first of August . I can 't wait to have my own space and be able to decorate it and make it my own . So , we 've moved into our new place here in Muss00rie . While it has a lot of potential , it also needs A LOT of work ! In this blog I wanted to write about some of the misunderstandings we 've had with Sundar , the maintenance man at our apartment complex . When we got here we realized that we didn 't really have a shower . The pipes were sticking out of the wall for the shower head and the handles , but they were all capped . So , Stephen went over and asked Sundar to come look at it , which to put new pipes in that run from the handles to the shower head . What he was really saying was that when he got new handles we could turn the water on to get the right temperature . This morning he came over and was asking about some keys . We thought he was asking us for two keys , but couldn 't figure out what keys he wanted . The keys to lock our door ? We only have two to begin with . We have two different locks . Maybe one of each of those ? We were so confused . But no more . Stephen found out that Sundar had lost his keys and came over to ask us if he 'd lost them here ! And I am sure this is only the beginning of our misunderstandings with Sundar because of language . We still have many more things to repair so we will be seeing much more of him around here ! Our adventures began yesterday morning while we were heading to the bus station . Suzy and I took a # 1 vikram ( local transportation ) to the end of the route . Usually when we get off the # 1 we have to walk to the end of the street to get a # 5 , however we thought we were very lucky because there was a # 5 right where we got off the # 1 ! So , we jumped on and off we went . We rode the vikram for a long time . . . longer than it should take . But still we didn 't see the bus station . It crossed my mind once or twice that maybe we got on the wrong one , but I was so sure it was a # 5 . Finally the driver pulled to a stop and said , " Madam . You get off now . " So , we paid the gentleman and as we walked away Suzy said it was a # 3 ! So , we took a # 3 back the other way till we saw some # 5 's , jumped off there and got on the # 5 to the bus station . Our second adventure of the day happened about 20 minuets later when the bus pulled up . A HUGE stampede ran for the bus . So , we ran with them . Four adults and two children . Suzy and Grayson got on , then Stephen , myself and finally Amber was able to squeeze her way on . Suzy got a seat because she had Gray with her . And Stephen was able to get one for Amber because she had Deakin . Stephen and I were left to stand . Even though there was a husband , wife and 8 year old boy who were taking up three entire seats and would not move even an inch . At this point I was just like yeah , whatever . Shortly before we pull out , the man sees an old woman and offers her the seat ( no , he did not know her ) . I knew I shouldn 't get upset because an old woman should not have to stand . But I did . And when it came time to pay for our tickets I had to let go of my hand holds so I could pay . When this happened the bus went around a corner and I leaned back towards the old woman who began to hit me ! I just shrugged it off that time . But , when she continued to do this throughout the trip every time we went around a corner and I had to lean her way I began to get upset . Finally I couldn 't take it anymore . I looked at heThen , on the way back to D . D . we were again in a PACKED bus ! But this time we got seats . There were many who did not . Suzy and I sat together with Deakin while Amber , Stephen and Grayson sat together . Many times I felt like I was going to toss my cookies , but I pr @ yed and J3sus took it away . But there was one guy who did upchuck ! First he sat down on the floor ( he had been standing ) which is no small feat on a bus packed that tight ! He sat there for awhile , but pretty soon there was a good amount of commotion as his friend tried to get him to a window . He made it and pretty soon they were telling me to close my window . I felt bad for the guy . I really think there is a good reason they shouldn 't pack those busses so tight ! The reason we went to Muss00rie was to look for a place to live . We were not planning on spending the night , but because Monday was so unsuccessful we thought it wise . Yesterday the first place we looked at was ok . It had two rooms , a kitchen and a bathroom . But when we asked how much it was the guy said 18 lek , which is about $ 4000 . We didn 't understand at first , but then it became clear that they were for sale , not for rent ! HA ! ! As " tourists " can we even own any property ? Today we saw four places , but looked around and walked around , and asked around all day ! ! And by all day I mean from about 10amish to 5 : 30ish . We finally decided on the first rental we saw . Well , sort of . We don 't know for sure how much it will be yet , but we will in a could days . It 's a cute little place . It has a dinning room / living room and a kitchen down stairs and upstairs there are two bed rooms and a bathroom . All of us are going to live here for the first month until we can find a second place , at which point either Suzy and I or the Clovers will move . It was a long , tiring task , but we didn 't really have much of a choice . It was fun at times though too . We did a little bit of cloth shopping and we made several contacts too . So , all in all it was a good trip . So , our first week here we had suits made . We got to pick out our own cloth and then took it to the tailors to get it stitched . A suit is made up of baggy pants , a long shirt ( about down to the knees ) and a shawl type thing called a dupata . Now , this dupata is very important , because without it you are not properly clothed . However , it has become my WORST enemy ! The dupata is worn draped over the shoulders so that the ends hang down your back . But it doesn 't stay there . It falls off your shoulders all the time . The wind catches it and blows it over your head . When riding in public transportation people sit on it so that when you go to get off it stays there . It hangs down and gets in your food when you are eating . I could go on for a while , but I think you get the picture . Suzy and I have been living at the PG for a little over two weeks now and I have decided that everything looks like chicken . Because the family who runs this PG are H ! ndu everything they make is pure veg . At first I thought this would be ok . I didn 't eat a lot of meat at home , so I didn 't think it wouldn 't be too hard to adjust to . But it 's been harder than I thought for two reasons . One , everything taste pretty much the same . And two , when ever we have something with " dumplings " or chunks of veggies it looks like it has chicken in it and it gets my hopes up for a split second and then I remember , " Oh . Yeah . It 's pure veg . " : ( I have decided that in the summer here it doesn 't ever cool off . There are just different degrees of hotness . During the day is is WAY SUPER HOT and at night it 's just hot . I am looking forward to the monsoon . But I 'm sure that after a week of rain , I 'll be ready for that to be over too . Suzy and I have had two lessons in H ! nd ! so far . The " Mam " who runs our PG is teaching us . We spend about an hour or two in H ! nd ! lessons and then we spend half an hour or so helping her improve her English . It 's a lot of fun . We have been focussing on learning how to write the letters and knowing the sounds . It 's a lot of work , but I think I am understanding it pretty well . I definitely need to practice a lot though . We are taking about five days off since we are going north for a few days , and I am hoping I will be able to take an hour or two each day to practice . It 's been a lot of fun to get to know the girls here at the PG . We 've had dinner with some of them almost every night and then we hang out for awhile after that . They love to hear me play my guitar even though I 'm not very good . They also like to try and play it . It 's so much fun getting to know them . I 'm kind of sad we are probably only going to be here for one month . I was thinking this morning about life , and how at one point I spent a lot of time with certain people and then our lives went in different directions . We still talk and occasionally hang out , ( well , now that I 'm in ! nd ! a , not so much hanging out . . . ) but our lives are more separate . So , in this entry I want to remember a few great times I had with friends . I think back about two years ago . A core group of us from Camp would hang out almost every weekend . Kyle , Ben , Becca , Kelsey , and I . Sometimes we would pick up Alex and Zach and they would go " Fizz " with us at Village Inn . Or we would pick up the Lake Village kids and do something fun with them . Take them to a parade , horse back riding or have a birthday party in the trailer court for one of them . That was a really fun summer . I miss you guys ! ! In August of 2005 I met the Biernackis at LifeLight . Leslie and I stayed up until 2am talking about nothing and everything . That was the beginning of our friendship . Together we helped run the coffee house at Camp , did LVKC , worked at Camps , lived together , worked together , pulled all kinds of pranks together , read and fought over who gets to read the newest Ted Dekker book together ( by the way Les , I 've got Bone Man 's Daughters , the latest . . . but I 'm not sure when I 'm going to read it . . . save for a hard day maybe ) , laughed and cried together , cooked together . . . the list could go on and on ! I love and miss you TONS Leslie , JP , Echo and Jonah ! ! In 2003 I was going to collage at Gr @ ce U . I met an old friend there and we got to know each other again . Julie and I hung out a little bit that fall semester , but more the spring semester . But that summer ( 2004 ) we worked ( and goofed off A LOT ) in house keeping together . When we got off work we would go see movies at the dollar theater because they were only 50 cents before 6 . We moved to Sioux City and lived at WIT for a semester , and then got an apartment . We had dreams of starting a catering business . We did scrap booking together . We got really good deals when we went shopping . We would go to kind of expensive restaurants and eat for really cheep . Jew , I miss all the good times we had . I love you ! These are just a few of the good times I remember having with just a few good friends . I want you to know that even though I am on the other side of the world I still think of you often and I love and miss you all immensely ! I ask Dad to bl3ss you often and I can 't wait to see you in two years ! Monday we went up to Muss00r ! e to see what it was like and if it would be a good possibility for a base . I think we decided that it was too touristy and it wouldn 't work for our needs . But it was still a good trip . When we got there on Monday we found a hotel , had dinner and then crashed . Tuesday we went on the cable car up to Gun Hill , a big hill where you can get some really good views of the area . For lunch we had grilled corn . However , it wasn 't sweet corn , it was field corn , so it was a bit chewy . Later Suzy and I walked up to clock tower , which is a good steep walk . Once we got there we kept walking . We found out later that Suzy thought we were going back to the hotel and I thought she wanted to keep walking up to Laund00r . So , we kept walking , walking , and walking . . . until we walked around a corner and saw the leather shop ! We went there and picked out the sandals we wanted and then headed back down the hill . Wednesday morning we ordered " room service " for breakfast . Amber ordered cornflakes and milk for Grayson and got a bowl of cornflakes that tasted like corn , and a glass of HOT milk . When she called they hung up on her when they couldn 't understand what she was saying so she 'd have to call back . I ordered a hot chocolate ( it was ok , but not the best ) and french toast . They brought Suzy 's toast with butter and my hot chocolate , but no french toast . So , I showed the guy on the menu that I wanted french toast . A little bit later he came back with my " french toast , " er , I mean fries . At that point I was just like whatever , and ate my fries . We had lunch with some friends of ours that are staying up there and then took a taxi up to Land00r to walk around . After awhile we decided it was time to head home and began the LONG trek down the mountain . On the way down we stopped to pick up our sandals , and while in the leather shop it began to rain . . . and then hail . So , we stayed there for awhile . When it stopped we finished the trek home and grabbed some veggie burgers ( the burger part is a really yummy potato cake thinger ) . Thursday morning we tried again for room service . Amber , after a couple of calls and being hung up on , was able to order three corn flakes with cold milk . However , when it came they only got the milk . But she was able to get them to bring her three bowls of corn flakes . However , when Suzy and I tried to order three toasts and one corn flakes it didn 't come . We waited for an hour and it still wasn 't there , so we called again . They said " Oh " and hung up . We waited another half hour and called again . They hung up . But a couple minutes later someone came to Amber 's door saying , " You called ? " She was just about to send them away when we said , " Wait ! We called them " and went and told him what we wanted . Our breakfast finally came . Friday morning we decided to not even mess with " room service " . We went out to eat for breakfast , and then got a buss back to D . D . And that was our trip . I woke up early this morning to get some things done before I left , and still ended up running late . I was in a big hurry , dropped some things , couldn 't find my keys . . . I thought , " I hope this isn 't how my whole day is going to go ! " On the way home though it got much better . I was driving home about 9am and saw a beautiful rainbow ! In January in Iowa ! ! It was beautiful . Then as I was turning down our road I looked out at the fields and realized how beautiful the snow on the ground and the frost / ice was on the trees . I just smiled at how God shows me his amazing love for me . Then , as I was driving through down town this evening I looked up at the sunset and again was amazed at God 's beauty . Oh , and my cd player kept skipping with every cd I put in , until I put a Matt Redman cd that I 've had forever , but don 't think I 've ever once listened to ! It played through the songs without skipping once . And the songs were just was I was feeling . So , today was a day of receiving Jesus ' love for me and worshiping him for who he is . I don 't want today to end . I thought I should get this blog up and going before I sent out my news letter . I 've been wanting to send them out for awhile , but I was waiting on my prayer cards so I could send them at the same time . Now they are all here , so this week I will be getting them on the way to your very own mail box ! ! The past few weeks have been pretty busy . I 'm still in the process of fund raising . It 's a bigger task than I thought it would be , but I 've had a couple encouraging meetings with people . I just need to keep India and what Dad has called me to always in mind and not let our enemy discourage me . Today I went to the prayer service of my great , great Aunt Sara . She went to be with Dad on Thursday after 106 years in this world . When my Grandpa passed away in October she really went down hill . About one week after he died , she went from living on her own ( yes , she still lived in her own apartment at 106 years old ! ! ) and going to visit the " old people " , as she would call them , to being in the nursing home . Often in the past few years she would say that she thought Dad forgot about her here . But I know that 's not true . I know Dad kept her here because she was an amazing woman and touched many people 's lives . She will be greatly missed , but I know that she is where she longed to be for so long . Well , I guess that 's all for my first post on here . Have a wonderful day ! If you would like to help me with my training as a midwife , you may do so by clicking here . Under the " individual support " please choose 0246 - Sara Zellmer , then the amount . It will walk you through the rest of the steps . Thank you so much for your partnership in my training and ultimately in reaching woman and their families in North India . : ) For the next two years I will be in the Philippines learning all things midwifery . I 'd love to hear from you while I am here ! I also like receiving packages . ; ) ( Reece 's Pieces , anything chocolate , dark chocolate bars ( like 70 % or above ) , tea , twin bings , fruit snacks , nuts ( pecans , almonds , walnuts , macaroons , cashews ) , dried fruit ( cherries , blueberries , stawberries , peaches , apricots ) , teriyaki beef jerky ( or deer jerky is good too ! ) , pepperoni , baking things . . . ) If you 'd like to write me a letter or send me a package here is where you can send it to ! Sara Zellmerc / o Abundant Grace of God MaternityProvincial RoadAppas , Tabuk City Kalinga 3800

We had a wonderful start to today , in that I got up very early , before 06 : 00 and managed to get a few things done ( and cleaned ) before Linda got home . That 's right , Linda came home today . She is back from that road trip she took with her parents , up to Utah . They went up there to spend a few days with Linda 's sister , Lisa , and it sounds like it was a good trip . On the way up they stopped at a few other places and saw some other family and friends , including a stop in the S . F . Bay Area . We 're just glad that she is home safely and that Joe and Jess made is back home as well , after dropping Linda off . What happened was that they drove down , and when they were in San Bernadino ( or close ) they called and we drove up to Fallbrook , to meet them . As it turned out , they arrived about two ( 2 ) minutes after we did . I hadn 't even finished getting the van closed back up , when they drove up . It sure felt good to see Linda , and the girls ( yeah , we had them with us ) were all over Grandma , when they saw her . We all walked through the house and after a short visit , Joe and Jess took off to go back up to their place and we took off south . Like I said , we were up in Fallbrook , and you know we 're going to go see the property once we get there . The appliances are all installed , now and the place looks great . There really isn 't much left to be done , except for stuff out side the house . We all had a wonderful time walking through the house and seeing all that had been done . This was Jason 's first visit to the house in several weeks , so he saw some big changes . Everything is really looking exceptional . Imagine that , the month of June is over and perhaps we can get out of this " June - Gloom " that we 're going through down in San Diego . We even had thunderstorms and rain today , on top of the humidity that we usually don 't have . Don 't get me wrong , the weather here is generally pretty good , and I found out that up in Livermore , where we 're from , they hit 109 - and that is a bit toasty , even for me . On a positive - the rain knocked some of the dirt off the car - - - okay , now the car really looks like it needs to be washed . I am hoping that the drought doesn 't last much longer . We really do need the rain , and I don 't like not being able to wash my own car . There are plenty of car washes in Pt . Loma , so they do tend to stay relatively clean . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I got up this morning about 05 : 45 and couldn 't go back to sleep . Actually , it was probably a good thing I couldn 't go back to sleep , as I had some things to do , and I needed to get started on them anyway . As it turned out , there were no scheduled things going on and so I went for a 25 mile bike ride . Actually , there was something scheduled , and I simply forgot about it . Jackie was supposed to go to a speech class , and I completely forgot about it , until Linda reminded me tonight , when I spoke with her . The bike ride was good for me , though , and it gave me a chance to just get out and take a little bit of time to think about life and the environment . There wasn 't much else going on today , except for an appointment for Stacy , and I did manage to get her there , and with a little time to spare . The rest of the evening was pretty relaxed , and we had a nice dinner - I made salmon , rice and vegetables . Both girls enjoy salmon , so it is one of the easiest and healthiest of meals I can prepare . When they went to bed I read a story to them , Purpleishus , for about the 10th time . Both of them have the story memorized , so I don 't have to worry about forgetting anything , or having two pages stuck together . They both let me know when something is left out or slightly changed . After they got to bed Jason had his shower , and that 's when I do the dressing change , and both sides are looking better , especially the left side . Since he had the surgery he has been reluctant to be up any more than he needs to . I am taking full advantage of this " extra " down time to focus on keeping his wounds dressed and clean . the extra attention and liter load has allowed the healing to take place . Linda will be coming home tomorrow , and we 'll be going up to Fallbrook to meet up with them . I need to get up to Fallbrook anyway , so it all works out better this way . Jason and both girls will be going with me , and it will give all of them a chance to see the house , and to see the progress . I have been instructed to bring the camera so a good chance some new pics will be posted soon . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I got the girls up this morning and because I didn 't have them take a bath last night , had them take a bath this morning . It was a little out of the regular schedule , but they dealt with it . I didn 't wash their hair ( it really wasn 't too bad anyway ) because I didn 't want to have to deal with wet hair and get them ready for church . The funny thing is , Stacy dressed herself today , and she looked great ! She even got a few compliments on how nice she looked . I hope she maintains the sense of style . Jackie wasn 't hard to get dressed , though she did want to wear other clothes than what I picked out for her . I also got some help from Stacy , and if Stacy likes it , Jackie is going to like it - generally . We spent the rest of the day at home , where I was able to get a couple loads of laundry done and the rest of the days chores out of the way . It really has been a relaxed kind of day , all around . Jason had to deal with his new puppy , Kojak . For whatever reason , Kojak just doesn 't like those dog beds . Jason has bought 3 of them since getting Kojak , and last night or early this morning Kojak attacked the third bed , and it is now out in the trash . I don 't think Jason is going to be buying another bed for a couple of months , in hopes that Kojak will grow out of it . Gracie likes the beds . . . We had a visit from Serving Spoons and Annie , the original contact person for us , was with them . She is home for summer break , as she will begin her second year at college , and she is looking all so grown up now . They brought us dinner , and it was very good , as it usually it . I was particularly happy to see them , because that meant I didn 't have to make dinner . Stacy and Jackie got to stay up past 20 : 00 ( 8 pm ) tonight than then she read a story before going to bed . It was a story about Mickey and Goofy going to Australia , and except for a few words , she was able to get through the book pretty well . She loves to read and is always looking for new things to read and working so hard at increasing her own vocabulary . Not much else going on , so I 'll sign off now , and for those that would like to buy a brick for Jason 's home , just check out my FB page and you can find the information there . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Got up this morning and decided that it was a better idea for me to head over to the gym , instead of trying to get out on my bike . I got a good work out in , and the girls were still sleeping when I left , so I felt like it was the right decision . When I got back , about and hour later , the girls were now up and in with their daddy , having a great time . I asked them what they wanted to for breakfast and we all decided it was going to be French Toast . Well , it was more of a directional kind of deciding , as I had already bought the bread ( Texas Toast ) and I kind of encouraged them to go that direction . Anyway , that 's what I ended up cooking . After breakfast I had promised to take the girls out on their bikes , so we went on over to the local school and the girls managed to get a ride in , around the parking lot . Jason called me after a single loop and asked us to come back home . Kojak had gotten himself tangled up in some wires / cables under his bed and he couldn 't get Kojak out . Funny thing is , that as we were on our way back to the house it started to sprinkle a little , and so after getting Kojak untangled we decided to stay home for a little bit , and instead head over to the library . The girls wanted to get some new books and Jackie was now old enough to get her own library card . We remained at the library for a little over an hour and then headed back home with new books and a new card for Jackie . She was very happy and proud of her new card and told Stacy that she didn 't have to get her books anymore . We decided , at that point to eat a quick lunch , as the girls said they still weren 't very hungry , though they both ate a full sandwich , and all the rest of their lunches . Then it was time to get back over to the school , to ride their bikes . As we were leaving , Gary K . was showing up , and wanted to go visit Jason . I thought this was great , as I didn 't have to worry about anything going wrong while we were away . As we returned ( again , we were gone for about an hour ) Gary was getting ready to say his good byes , and so the timing was good . I spoke with Gary about the Buy - A - Brick for Jason 's house and he said he would be happy to help , and asked if it was on the blog or somewhere else . This gave me the idea of seeing if I could get it on the blog . In my search I have come to the conclusion that it doesn 't go well on the blog , though I did get it on my Facebook page . So . . . for all those who know me via FB , you can pull down a copy from there , for right now . Just go to my page and either see it , or do a search for Build - A - Brick and you should be able to find it . Dinner was simple tonight , as I fixed chicken pot pies , and then it was time to hit the sack , for the girls . I also needed to get some laundry done , so that happened , and then I was given a bit of a nice surprise - - - Stacy read the story tonight , before going to sleep . I helped her a little , but she managed to get all the way through the story , and it was really kind of fun . She is really starting to grow up and we 're enjoying it . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . The day began with an early call to my lovely wife , Linda , and though it was supposed to be a wake - up call , she was already up and heading out the door , to take their dog for a walk . The dog is going to miss Linda , when she and her folks head on back home next week . Seems like she has been gone for a long time now , and I am ready for her to come back home . I went up to Fallbrook today , to check out the house and it is looking Great ! . The floor is done , with only the base - board to be installed , and some other trim work . Most of the fixtures are in place as are most of the sinks and bathroom items . Next week they start the concrete work and not too long after that the yard work and landscaping begins . We are really getting close , and we 're all excited . About the only thing that isn 't moving fast are the Buy - a - Brick sales . I keep leaving them behind anytime I go anywhere , and keep missing opportunities to get some sold . Once Linda is back I 'll be putting much more effort into it . I was hoping to have a bunch of them sold by now , and we 've only been able to move about a dozen or so . If you 're interested in finding out more about this , please get in touch with me , or just leave a comment . The blog has been open to comments for some time now , so if you 've had problems in the past , please try again . While up in Fallbrook I stopped in at Bonsal , and visited with their Chamber of Commerce . They are wanting to put together a music festival and as a result of previous conversations they asked me to stop and chat with them . I gave them some pointers and even attempted to get them connected with a few people , so I hope I 've been of help . Also , while up there I got in a short 15 mile ride , and my legs sure feel it . The hills in that area are a bit more steep and though the ride " home " is fun and mostly down hill , the initial ride out is up some gnarly hills . The rest of the evening has been quiet , and I am looking forward to my rest tonight . The girls will be coming in the morning , so we get to have some fun with more library visits and such . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . A good day , again and we even had a visitor drop by . The girls went back to their mother 's place and we 'll see them again on Friday . Jason had an appointment with Wound Care , and things looked great there , so , aside from the continued soarness , things are going pretty good . It is probably going to be another few days ( maybe a week ? ) before Jason is feeling like doing much more than he is right now . The visitor we had was retired Master Chief , Fred Thomson . He is a gentelman we met a few years ago , when Jason went to go " turn wood . " Fred , along with retired Maj . Gen . Tom Lighter have been running and building the turning program for the vets for several years now , and it shows just how good they are at helping these guys recover from the challenges of war and battle . Fred and Jason talked about all kinds of things , though it frequently returned to wood turning . I think Jason is thinking about setting up a turning lathe at his new house , as soon as he can get things together . The rest of the day was just the two of us hanging around the house and doing our best to get some extra rest . Jason got the rest and I dealt with phone calls . A few of those calls were from Linda , and I 'm always happyto talk with her . Tomorrow Jason will be spending a good part of the day on his own , as I will be heading up to Fallbrook before Joselyn gets here . Heck , I might even be back before she arrives , depending on how quickly I can finish up there . There is a new program called , " Buy a Brick , " to help with the cost of the flag poll at Jason 's house , and I am trying to get folks interested in at least looking at the program . The bricks cost $ 100 , so they aren 't cheap , though you do get your name in a very nice design , around Jason 's flag poll , at the front of the house . That 's part of what I 'll be doing tomorrow , druming up interest . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . One of those days where not much happened , and that is kind of a good thing . Jason 's wounds are showing signs of healing more and we 're all happy about that . Jason is still recovering from the surgery and feeling a bit tender in places , so he is better off just staying down and relaxing , and I believe that is all that is needed to keep the healing moving in a positive direction . The hard part is that Jason likes to get up and move around - something we 're dealing with . I did take the girls to the library , today , and they had a great time . Stacy and Jackie both had a chance to play a video learning game that have there . It is a Dora The Explorer game and they told me all about her . Stacy checked out four books , and even got one for Jackie . Jackie doesn 't have a library card yet , though that is being rectified with paperwork . It is getting late and I need to get to bed , so that is all I have for the blog tonight . Thank you all , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Quite the nice day at the Ross homestead . We got up before 07 : 00 and when I came down stairs a few minutes after getting up , I find the girls in with their daddy , watching cartoons . I think this is one of the best times for the three of them , usually with Stacy snuggled up against Jason and Jackie close up next to Stacy . They look so comfortable I decided to leave them alone and go back and finish taking care of the kitchen - since I hadn 't completed it last night . I finally tell them that I need to get breakfast going , and that Jackie has an appointment this morning . Reluctantly they get up and Jason tells the girls that they need to go get some breakfast . I get Jason 's breakfast to him and the girls are soon eating , afterward . Jackie 's appointment is over at Dewey School , which is about 1 / 3 mile away , so it isn 't too far , and we all decide to walk over - that is , Stacy , Jackie and I . Jackie has a 1 - hour appointment so Stacy and I walk back home and then walk back over when it is time to pick her up . I tell the girls that tomorrow we get to go to the library , and they are both pretty excited abou it , and it made the walk back home even more fun . For whatever reason , both the girls love going to the library , and I guess I have to give most of the credit to Linda . She got into the habit of taking them to the library all last summer , and even a few times through the school year . Both Stacy and Jackie love going through books , and now Stacy is beginning to even read those books . She likes to stop at signs along the walk and attempt to read what is written , and she does a pretty good job . Shortly after lunch the girls go down for their " brain - rest " ( they like that better than taking a nap ) , and then Stacy has to get to her appointment with Dr . K . Both girls like to go , as it is another " adventure " and there are things for Jackie to do there , so she isn 't just sitting and waiting . Once that appointment is over we head back to the house and I am amazed , and surprised that the traffic is much better than I had anticipated . The rest of the day , and evening was pretty easy with the girls spending more time with their daddy , and then it got to be bed time . They picked a couple of stories to be read to them and then the day was done . Jason is continuing to improve and feel better , after the surgery , and though it is slow , it is still positive . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Well , about mid - day , yesterday , we experienced the summer solstice , and today we enjoyed the first full day of Summer ! Oh , yeah , and a Happy Father 's Day to all you dads out there , and even to those who are only at the point of thinking about becoming a dad . Do think about it though , as it is a very big responsibilty , and shouldn 't be appraoched lightly . Today we enjoyed having the girls come over to the house at a little after 08 : 00 this morning , and they were all excited about seeing Daddy and Grandpa . They gave Jason his Father 's Day gift , and then I received one as well . Linda had put all this together before she left , part of her on going effort to make sure things go right , even when she isn 't here . I guess that 's why she was working so hard before taking off to go with her parents . A little after the girls arrived , and the Father 's Day gifts were given I told the girls we would still be going to church , and they were going to be able to go to Sunday School . Both of them became very excited and wanted to know when we were going to leave . First they had to get dressed , as I did not feel what they were wearing was appropriate for church . They were definitely wearing their " kick - back " clothes and looked " comfortable . " I also had to take care of their hair , as it had not been brushed , and I know God doesn 't care what you wear , or what you look like , but I think that if you can go looking better then you should . After church we stopped and picked up a chocolate donut for Jason , and a couple for the girls . They wanted to be sure that Daddy got one . There really wasn 't a great deal more done today , other than me making a quick run to the store , and me making some phone calls . I spoke with my sons , when they called me , and I also spoke with two of my brothers , when I called them . I also coordinated with a few of our friends and arranged for them to come to the house , just for a visit with Jason . I think he would like to have some visitors , just so he can look at someone , other than me . I 'll make some more calls tomorrow , and see if I can get a few more friends to drop by . We had salmon , mashed potatoes and vegetables , with a fruit salad for dinner , and I prepared it all myself . Then again , for those that know me , this is no big deal , as I like to cool . The girls got a bath and I washed their hair and even brushed it out afterward , before they went to bed . Heck , I even braded Stacy 's hair and tried something different with Jackie ( she didn 't want a brade ) . I just hope they don 't have a bunch of tangles in the morning . There is no school now , so they can sleep in some , and that means I can too . . . ; - ) Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Jason text 'd me early this morning and let me know that they were talking about letting him come back home today . This was a good bit of news to wake up to , as I wasn 't sure what was going to be going on . I had too wait for Joselyn to arrive , so that I could leave the dogs at the house , and Jason wouldn 't be able to get up before noon anyway . When Joselyn arrived , it was about 10 : 00 and I immediately loaded my bike into the van and headed over to the bike shop . I had made an appointment to get it tuned so all I had to do was drop it off and then I headed off to the hospital . When I arrived at the hospital , Jason was watching television and simply waiting to get the final word from the doctor . About 10 minutes after I arrived the doctor walked in and we had a very good discussion about what happened ; what Jason 's condition was ; and , whether or not Jason should be coming home . Everything was going great until we got to the " going - home " part . Jason was at the end of fighting off another infection and they recommended that Jason stay over the weekend . Not that he needed to stay , just that they thought it would be better for him to be in the hospital , because they didn 't want to put me in a position of having to take care of him . We talked about what I 've been doing over the past few years and the fact that we only lived a few minutes from the hospital , and then I asked the doctor what he would do , if it were he in the hospital and he said he would go home . Therefore we decided it was okay to come home . We got home and the first thing he wanted to do was go through all his mail - he had a pretty good stack on the table . Next thing was to get a shower in . He hadn 't taken a shower in about four days , and he was feeling kind of grungy . He is still taking one antibiotic , for the next few days and then he 'll be finished with all the " new " meds he is taking , and will be back to his regular regimen . The rest of this evening was just go pick up my bike and then relax , so that 's what we did . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I got up this morning and before I could get my teeth brushed Linda called me . Darn , I wanted to call her . She and her parents are doing well and plan on making it to Nevada later in the afternoon , and as you might expect , they do . They are headed there to visit some friends and spend a little time resting and enjoying themselves . I miss having Linda around here to keep me on point , but for now I am doing my best to write lots of notes to myself . I went to the gym , once I got off the phone from Linda , and it was still kind of early , about 07 : 45 . The fortunate thing about where we are living is that not too many of the residents seem to want to use the gym in the earlier hours of the day . I figured I 'd get some time in on the treadmill , since I didn 't think I had time to go for a bike ride . I can jog and walk for an hour , and I need more than that if I want a good bike ride in . I ended up going about 5 miles and I felt pretty good afterward . It said my average speed was 4 . 6 mph , so I equate that to a really fast walk . After that I came right back to the house and within a few minutes Joselyn and her husband Robert showed up . Robert is taking Jason 's truck to get some work done on it , since Jason is still in the hospital . We really appreciate all that Robert is doing and continues to do for Jason , and also for Joselyn , for all that she has done . They have definitely made life easier for us all , and the girls love it when Joselyn is around . Within a half an hour of Robert picking up the truck I was on my way to see Jason and to see how he was doing . He was feeling a little better , though they have found that he has another infection and I am concerned that , that might require him to stay in the hospital another day or two . I 'll know more tomorrow . I hung around for a little over an hour and we talked about different things , and mostly the house , cause that was where I was going next . I went up to Fallbrook to deliver some mirrors that needed to be installed . Linda had requested that she be allowed to order most of the mirrors for the house , and they agreed . I had some of those mirrors in the garage . I managed to get them up to the house by 12 : 30 , and once I got there I walked the house with the builder . They are getting so much done and it all looks great . I stayed at the house for probably another hour , and then went on in to Bonsell ( the little city just outside of Fallbrook ) . I finally got myself something to eat . I had not eaten anything to that point , and I was starting to get hungry . I also met up with the Chamber of Commerce manager , while I was there and we had a great little conversation . Apparently they are very familiar with Jason and are looking forward to us moving in , though I know that they are really mostly interested in having Jason living near by . The entire neighborhood and even in to Bonsell , are so friendly . It really does remind me of when we first moved into Livermore . While I was up at the house I received a phone call , from the technicians at Quantum Power Chairs , and they wanted to come work on Jason 's chair ( the new one that isn 't quite right yet ) . I had to call Joselyn to let her know what was going on , and asked her to allow them to work on the chair , in the garage . I guess they got done what they wanted because when I got back home there was a note from them , telling me what they did , and what they wanted us to do next . My guess is that it will be end of next week before Jason is up to playing with a new chair . I gave another call to Jason and asked him if he would like to see the dogs , and of course he said he would . It was now about 15 : 30 ( 3 : 30pm ) so I loaded up the dogs into the van and we got over to the base . Because of the time there was no issue about parking - many open slots . We got up to the room and Kojak immediately went under the bed . Gracie was greeting and making sure that Jason was okay , and then she settled down . I asked Jason if they had done a dressing change , and they had not . One of the " new " nurses came in and said that Wound Care was supposed to come up , but never made it . I offered to do the dressing change and the nurse seemed very relieved . The nurse is an Air Force reserve Captain , and he and another corpsman , a sergeant in the Air Force reserve and there putting in their time . The nurse watched carefully , while I did the change and thanked me for showing him how it was done . He said he would make sure I didn 't have to do it tomorrow . I had dinner with Jason , as the Marine Family Support came by with dinner , and I was also offered something . This was good for me , as I wasn 't sure what I was going to be doing for dinner tonight anyway . We had dinner , and talked about the house and some of the stuff going on , and then he told me about the infection . This was disappointing , though I would rather know about it now , rather than to find out tomorrow . I stayed for a few hours and then had to get back home with the dogs . They need to be able to get outside , and right now they were kind of stuck in the room with us . Tomorrow is going to be another day of figuring out what is going on , one step at a time , and then we 'll just have to deal with what happens as it happens . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . . . One last note , since I don 't have my editor here to help me ( Linda ) , I apologize for any of the oopses you might run across . Good day for all of us . Jason is doing well at the hospital , and they should be allowing him to go to more solid foods tomorrow . He is in good spirits , though he is getting tired of " clear liquid " diet - one can only eat so much jello . . . ; - ) The doctors are saying that he should be out in four days , so I 'm guessing that he will be coming home sometime on Friday , or worst case , Saturday . I managed to get in a short bike ride this morning , though I did seem to misplace my backpack . I always ride with my backpack , as it carries all my stuff , like spare tubes and bike lock and such . I finally did find it , after I had made a second one and got back from the ride . I ended up with about 20 miles , on a relatively flat ride ( only a few small hills ) . Tomorrow I don 't think I 'll be able to get out for a ride , though I should have some time to get over to the gym in the early hours . The dogs should be okay for a little over an hour , by themselves . A real positive is that Kojak is starting to warm up to me a little more , and that is a good thing , we 'll see how it goes after Jason gets back home . Tomorrow I 'll be going in to see Jason a little earlier , so that I can get with the Wound Care folks , who are also coming in . I 'm supposed to be there around 09 : 30 , so I 'll do my best to do that . I intend to get to sleep a little earlier tonight . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Jason 's surgery went well , yesterday and though it did take a little longer than originally expected , he came through wonderfully . I spoke with the doctors and he was very pleased with all that took place , and even got to speak with Jason , who was still coming around from the anesthesia . Jason is now in the hospital , and will be there for a few days , probably three , and then be coming back home . This is good , as it makes it easier to take care of the animals ( Gracie and Kojak ) . Actually , last night I took the girls , Stacy and Jackie , to go see their daddy and also brought along the dogs . Gracie handled it like a veteran support / service dog that she is and Kojak behaved himself better than I expected . I think both dogs are trying to figure out what the heck is going on , and Kojak is spending a great deal of his time under Jason 's bed . The girls were happy to see Daddy , as they did not fully understand what was going on , and neither of them wanted to leave when it was time to come back home . We did manage to get back to the van and once back home they new it was getting late , so a quick bath and then bed time was in order . On top of everything else , it was still Taco Tuesday ! Fortunately , Joselyn knows us pretty well now and had everything going by the time I initially came back from the hospital , right after Jason 's surgery . This made it a lot easier on me , so I am very appreciative of her . She is going to be continuing to help a little more , over these next few days , and that will probably allow me to maintain my sanity . For example , I will be taking the girls back to their mother 's , this morning and then after Joselyn comes I will be going for a much needed bike ride . After that I 'll go on in to see Jason and play it by ear from there . Other than that , there is going to be an effort to get to a more relaxed and " normal " life flow . Linda and her parents are up in Livermore , right now , visiting for a couple of days , and then heading north . I suspect they will be gone the full two weeks , and then , depending on how things are going , may head on back down or take another week to visit other family . We get to talk , at least twice a day , and it sounds like they are having a good and relaxing time , and I am very pleased with that . I miss having Linda around , yet fully understand the need for this trip , and am glad she can help . Thank you for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Perhaps I 'll need to start blogging and posting in the early morning hours . Last night we ( Jason and I ) were up kind of late , due to some extra challenges , and I didn 't get to my blogging until late . As I attempted to write this up my connection became very sketchy , and it was taking more than a minute to write a single word . This morning it is much better , so maybe I need to switch to morning . Heck I normally wake early anyway , we 'll see how it goes . Yesterday and the day before were very busy for us . We went to the Gary Sinise Foundation / Lt . Dan Band concert at the Hotel Del Coronado and had a great time . Getting ready to go was a bit of a challenge , as things kept going in different directions and we had to work to stay focused on getting to the event / concert . We made it to the hotel and checked in with the idea that Jason was going to get some rest , prior to the concert . I guess the excitement was a bit much for everyone and Jason wanted to get some social time in , visiting . Linda and I had promised the girls we 'd take them to the beach and when we left , one of the last things I asked of Jason was to be sure to get some rest before the reception , at 15 : 15 ( 3 : 15pm ) . When we got back from the beach , Jason was not in the room , so I went to go find him . It was now about 14 : 30 ( 2 : 30pm ) so that meant very little rest time left available . Jason showed up about 10 minutes later and did finally lay down , but that also meant he was only getting 15 minutes of rest , rather than a couple of hours . We went to the reception and got to do more socializing and meeting up with some friends we hadn 't seen in months . We all felt pretty good , and the girls were really having a great time . At about 16 : 30 we all started to make our way to the stage that was set up on the beach , and because we were VIP guests , we got taken right up to the front . We then took the girls around to behind the stage and saw Gary , getting ready . Gary is such a great guy - even while he is under the pressure of having to hit a deadline to get on stage , he is gracious and considerate of us , and our interruption . We leave and get back to our seats , about two minutes later . Even the security is going out of their way to be very courteous and yet solid . The performance was wonderful , and Gary had a great connection with the audience . The down side came towards the end of the performance . This is where the lack of rest showed up and Jason had to get back to the hotel room . Fortunately there were a few people there from the Carrington Foundation as well , and Brandon and Kurt were able to help us get the girls and all our stuff ( we brought chairs and other items - the performance was on the beach , after all ) back to the room . We all just sort of collapsed for a few minutes and then Linda started with getting the girls ready . Shortly after that I started getting some things ready and helping with the packing . All together it took us about an hour to get back out of the room . Some of that was due to the hotel being busy , and trying to get a luggage cart to the room , though we finally did check out . The room was made available to us , through GSF and the hotel , so that was very nice . Once we got home we just did a quick job of putting stuff away and getting the girls to bed . It was late for them ( about 21 : 30 / 9 : 30pm ) and we 'd had a great day . Everyone was tired and we had another exciting day ahead of us . . . Yesterday , Linda had to get the final touches together so that she could go with her parents , on their road trip . This was something that we talked about for days , and she struggled with . Should she be going when Jason is going in for surgery ? We finally came to the conclusion that her going was the right decision , as her parents are both getting older and a long drive isn 't always that easy to do . This is probably their last long road trip , and having Linda along makes it much more safe . Jason is going in to a hospital where there is a level of confidence and comfort that allows us to feel that this is going to be a relatively safe way to go , for all of us . On top of that I have taken care of Jason and the girls , on my own in the past , and the girls are now older , and that makes it a little easier . Anyway , she got off to the train ( she road the train up to their place , to meet them there ) and they are now on the road , headed to Utah , to go see Lisa and Michael ( Linda 's sister and her husband ) . The rest of the day was pretty relaxed , and basically just getting Jason ready for the surgery . That meant taking the right medications at the right times , throughout the day . We learned a great deal about what it means to get ready for this type surgery , especially for Jason , and if there is every a need to do this kind of thing again we will be better prepared . We did run into some challenges , later in the day , and that kept us up , late last night . The good thing was that the girls had gone to bed and that meant the focus was totally on Jason . We made it through and now it is a matter of just getting over to the hospital , when we 're supposed to . Joselyn will be coming over to help with everything , and that makes me feel a little more relaxed ( Jason , too ) . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I woke up this morning , at about 05 : 50 and felt like I was wide awake . We were planing on going to the Gary Sinise Foundation concert of the Lt . Dan Band a little later in the day , but for now we just had a few little things to do . With this in mind I decided to go for a quick bike ride , and get some needed exercise . I managed to get in about 15 miles and I was gone almost exactly one hour . At that point , everybody was up and we all needed to start getting ready for heading out . Linda did the packing , so that the girls would be able to get into the water . once we got to Coronado Island , and the Hotel Del Coronado . The concert was to be on the beach , right there by the hotel , so it all worked out nicely . I was hoping to get out by 10 : 45 , but we didn 't make it , and actually left at about 11 : 45 . Since I had not driven to the hotel I was grateful that Anthony and Angelica were also going , and they stopped by to pickup Jason 's paramobile . We just followed them , as he had driven there previously , and knew where we were supposed to go , to get to the correct parking . When we checked in there was a little surprise , and that was Gary Sinise was checking in at the same time . He took the time to come over and chat with us for a little while , and the girls were very excited to see him again . Once we were in the hotel we took the girls out to the beach and they got to play in the water with Grandpa , while Grandma watched all our stuff , up on shore . One of the cool sights was that some dolphins actually swam up pretty close to where I was in the water , and they were swimming around , having their own fun . Shortly after that we went back up to the hotel , and started to get ready for the reception , and then the show . We had a great time at the reception , as we got to see a bunch of people we hadn 't seen in quite a long time . It also seemed like we hadn 't seen some of the folks from GSF in several months , so it was kind of like a reunion of sorts . From the reception we made our way to the area were the concert was to take place , and then on to get some food , so we could eat , and enjoy the performance . We had VIP seating and it was an excellent location . People were coming up to Jason and thanking him and shaking his hand , and we felt a great deal of love and support there . The only down side was that Jason did push himself a little more than I would have liked , and I could tell that he was very tired by the time we started to head back to the hotel , and go home . Over all , it was an excellent day , and we had a great time . I highly recommend seeing the Lt . Dan Band , if you get the chance . They really know how to perform and they are constantly adding new songs to their performance . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was the last day of school for Jackie , and she got to go to school ( pre - school ) in her pajamas . I remember the excitement of being able to do silly things at school , and I hope she remembers this one . The sad part was that some of the parents / kids didn 't get the message and when they saw the others in their pajamas they became very upset that they didn 't get to wear their pajamas . Jackie had a great time , and I was to come back at 11 : 30 to pick her up . Problem with that though was that for whatever reason , I had it in my head that it was 12 : 30 , and so yes , I was late . Funny part is , I thought I was actually a little early - it all worked out . Linda was off taking care of a bunch of errands and getting ready for her trip with her parents . For the past couple of days she has been running from place to place getting things for the trip ; getting things for the girls ; and , getting things for the house . She is even taking some time to breath , a little . The one thing that I think will help her get through all this is that her dad will be doing a bunch of the driving and that will give her a chance to just relax a little - - - I hope . Jason went in to Balboa Hospital today , to take care of a couple things , and I didn 't have to go in with him . One was a simple procedure that he decided to not do , because he was going to be going in for surgery this coming Tuesday , so he 'll just have it all done at the same time . I think that is actually a better way to go , and ultimately be more comfortable for him . Speaking of comfort - one of the biggest challenges he has is getting around in his chair and staying reasonably comfortable . We have been working with this new chair supplier and we think the chair they have shows a great deal of promise , but it sure seems difficult to get it to be just how Jason wants it . Right now the back system they offer just doesn 't provide the right kind of support , so now we 're waiting on an after - market provider , and hope they have a better and more comfortable back . If they can get that right then we will have a new chair , and Jason will have a more comfortable ride . I still don 't think he will be able to be in his chair for more than a few hours at a time , but at least it will be a little better . Tomorrow we will be heading up to Los Angeles , to share in our grandson , Ethan 's 3rd birthday . We will be going up in the van and stopping to pick up Linda 's parents . Stacy and Jackie are very excited about seeing Nana , Tata and their cousins again , and we should all have a great time . Jason will be staying back here , so that he can get some rest and quiet time , with Joselyn coming in to make sure he is taken care of . I sure wish Jason could get to the point of being able to visit with people more frequently , but that just doesn 't seem to be on the near horizon . We 'll be leaving the house at about 07 : 30 , so that we can get Linda 's folks and still be to the party with plenty of time to spare . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today started out early - Linda was up a little after 04 : 00 because Kojak was being a puppy and again chewing on things that he shouldn 't be chewing on . In this case he managed to pull up some vinyl and fortunately Linda caught him early enough that the damage was kept to a minimum . None - the - less , she was up and there were things to be done so she didn 't come back to bed . I managed to sleep in until a little after 06 : 00 and decided to get up , since I was the only one in bed . . . ; - ) . I need to get up early , anyway , as I wanted to get Jason 's new track chair on to the carrier , which needed to be mounted on to the van . This also meant that I had to clear things in the garage so that I could get the chair out . I managed to do this , despite the fact that Jason 's truck was parked right out side the garage door and limited my maneuverability . I moved a bunch of things and there was my clear path . Before bringing the chair out I decided I should get the rack mounted on to the van . Because it weighs about 120 lbs . by itself I went over and asked Paris , our next door neighbor to help me with it . We had actually made this arrangement yesterday , so he was waiting for me , and it was now closer to 07 : 30 . We were able to get the carrier mounted on to the van , with a little work and then I went to move the track chair . Everything was going great - I thought . Just as I broke the plain of the garage door , with the chair , it stopped working . The best I can figure out is that I must have had my hand on the power switch , because that was the end result . At the time I didn 't know what I had done , nor did I know what to do to get it corrected . The display was not providing me with enough information , so I called the service number , and got their voicemail . I did my best to figure out what was wrong but to no avail . I finally decided that I would instead load up the paramobile . We were headed to Nick Kimmel 's ground breaking ceremony and this would be an alternative that would work in place of the track chair . Problem is that the paramobile has a set up like a trike with the rear wheel mounted in the center and the ramp on the carrier is not set up for a 3 - wheeler . I had to jury rig a ramp that would hold it getting up to the carrier , and that only took a few minutes , and I was back in business . Or at least I thought . The platform on the carrier is set up for the track chair , not the paramobile and I came to discover , the platform is too small for the paramobile . Now I had to get it back down , and that was only slightly easier than getting it up on the carrier . Now I had to get everything back in to the garage and we were running out of time . All the moving and lifting had caused me to get a little bit of a sweat going , so I also needed a shower , and then to get dressed . We finally did get in to the van , with an empty carrier on the back , and we were headed down the road . Traffic wasn 't an issue , but then we really didn 't know where we were going , as we had not been there before . We finally made it to the event , and it was already underway . We didn 't mean to make a noisy entrance , but in this case we really didn 't have much choice . The ground breaking was still done and it went off very well . The San Diego Padres even had people there , as that is where Nick is working now . The fun part is that I knew some of them and it was good to get a chance to catch up a little . We had Stacy with us and she had fun , and kept busy " helping " with a shovel digging in the dirt . After all this , and taking a few minutes to visit and talk with a bunch of friends we decided to go on over to Jason 's smart home . As it was , the contractor wanted us to go over some of the concrete work that was planned , and it was a good thing we did . Some changes were implemented and Jason was able to express his plans for how he wants to put up his fence ( He wants to fence in a pretty large area so that the dogs can have a place where they can run and have fun while outside ) . Another thing was shown to us , and that is the flag pole location . We found out that the Gary Sinise Foundation would like to offer people a chance to buy a brick , that will be used to help build the base for the flag pole . Each brick will be " bought " as a donation and this will help with some of the costs of building Jason 's house and other expenses , and at the same time provide some recognition to people who would simply like to help . For all those interested , please contact Gary Sinise Foundation Events Coordinator , Hannah Hauserman at ( 818 ) 432 - 8975 or email hhauserman @ garysinisefoundation . org . Or you can contact me , though that would probably be a slower process . After heading back home ( traffic was really kind of heavy on the return trip , and it wasn 't even 12 : 30 yet ) took a little longer than the trip up . Once we got back to the house we fixed lunch and I went out to work on the garage and the track chair . I had received a call from the service folks and the " fix " was actually very simple , and the chair was working again . I will have to wait until tomorrow to get the carrier off though , as it is just too awkward for me to attempt to do it alone . Finally , this evening there was a promotional ceremony at Jackie 's pre - school and we went over to watch the program , and Jackie 's moving along . Jason also had an appointment to attend to so he was still being kept busy . After the ceremony , we took the girl to the Olive Garden , as that is what they asked for . I was okay with that , as I enjoy the food there . We came back home and the girls simply went into their room and played until it was time to go to bed . Linda read them a couple of stories and effectively the day was over for all of us . Obviously Linda and I didn 't go right to bed , though Jason did . In fact he was asleep before they were - he had had a very busy day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . This morning started out as normal as any that we have . We got the girls up and Jackie off to her pre - school , and that was that . Stacy managed to stay in her pajamas a little while longer and finally got dressed , so that she could spend some time with Grandma , since she was going to be going to take care of some errands . In the mean time , Jason and I had an appointment with the folks at The Ability Center , where I needed to get the lift system looked at and some possible minor adjustments . When I dropped the van off I made sure to ask that it be ready before the end of the day , since we were going to be needing it tomorrow . I had put my bike in the back of the van , so that I could ride , to get myself back home . I decided to head over to A1 storage to make a payment , on the way back , and it still provided me a little over 10 miles , with most of it being down hill . Kind of a fun ride , but I have to admit , it wasn 't any where near the exercise I really need . As it was , they called about an hour after I got back home , to let me know the van was ready , and I considered that a plus . Not much else going on , for the rest of the day , until later this evening . Linda picked up Jackie at about 15 : 00 ( 3pm ) and then we just sort of spent the next several minutes just cleaning up around the place . We had guests coming over , and we kind of like having a clean place for them to visit . It was Tae , and her friend Mel , and we had invited them over for Taco Tuesday . As it turned out , it was one of the best Tuesdays we 've had , for Tacos , and it all worked out great . The down side is that Tae and Mel are headed for Texas in a couple of days , and we won 't be seeing them for a few months . The positive is that we will be seeing them again , as they plan on coming back for a visit ; and , Linda and I may even get a chance to go out to Texas and visit them . Tomorrow we will be going up to Fallbrook , not only to see the progress of Jason 's new house , but to join in with the fun at Nick Kimmel 's ground breaking ceremony . It looks like his house has finally been set to get built , and tomorrow is day number 1 . This is going to be so much fun , because it will be all about him and we can be spectators for a change . Not sure what else we 'll be doing , but I do know that we will be keeping the girls for a little while longer , as we 've been asked , again , to keep them with us . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We got up this morning , with pretty much the usual Monday morning craziness that happens around here , especially when we have the girls with us . This is the final week of school for Jackie , and Stacy is now enjoying her summer vacation . Jackie 's class had a " favorite costume " day , and she decided she wanted to go as a Ladybug . Linda had found a ladybug costume a few months ago , and it still does fit , but just barely . Jackie was very happy , and we all went to her class with a very high level of energy and excitement from the girls . Of course Stacy 's was simply because she knew she got to walk back home after dropping Jackie off , and that 's okay . After getting back to the house we had a quick breakfast and then Jason and I started to get ready for our trip to the VA . He had an appointment with their Wound Care folks , and as it turned out , I 'm glad we went . His wounds have not closed , and in fact they have grown considerably since the last time we were there . The NP ( nurse practitioner ) was very concerned about the size of the larger of the two and asked us to follow up with the team that is supposed to be providing a seating solution for Jason . She basically spoke to Jason about the need to get them healed , and that he was being very risky by not getting this done . We now have an open door to get to the right people , and the next step is simply going through that " door . " Otherwise the visit was good and Jason is doing very well . The rest of the day was spent getting ready for a new ground breaking ceremony for another wounded warrior , that is coming up in a couple of days ; and , then we 'll be going to the Gary Sinise Foundation and Lt . Dan Band event over at Hotel Del Coronado on Flag Day . We 're looking forward to it , and hope to have a good time just relaxing and enjoying the music , as much as we can . The hotel and GSF is providing a room so that Jason can rest , as we want to give him as much rest as possible . Two days after this event , Jason will be headed to Balboa for his surgery . This evening was relaxed , and we had a dinner of left overs , and sometimes that is the best dinner . We will be going with our Taco Tuesday , tomorrow , as we are having a couple of friends over to join us . Tae , and her friend are coming , and this is going to be the last dinner we have with Tae , at least for a while ; as she is moving to Texas , in a couple of days . We 're going to miss her , since she is a great resource for information , as well as being a good friend . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a " work " day . . . again . We are in the midst of beginning our packing for the big move , and there is so much to go through . On the positive side , and there are many positives , Jason has been able to just stay down in the bed for most of the past two days , and that makes us happy . It allows his wounds to get a little more healing in , and that is something that we really need to happen . Each day also brings us closer to the big move , and that is definitely a positive . It is also " forcing " us to go through all our stuff and thus organizing it better . The down side is that we didn 't get over to the storage to work on reducing that down . We found out this morning that the girls would be coming over this evening ( they 're actually here now ) , and we needed to get a few more things ready for them , than we originally thought . They normally would not have come until Monday morning . The other down is that we didn 't get to go to church this morning , and we really do enjoy the time there , as well as the fellowship we enjoy . As it turned out , I ended up putting in some extra hours on the backyard because Kojak is really starting to get more comfortable here , and is acting more like a puppy - a big puppy - but a puppy none - the - less . Puppies like to play , and they like to chew on things . In his case , he seems to enjoy destroying plants , and doing his best to dig under them . Fortunately all his digging has been away from the fence , so at least that is one less thing to worry about . He has also discovered shoes , and just how great they " taste . " Looks like Jason is going to be buying Linda a new pair of tennis shoes , as Kojak ripped through a pair of her shoes . He grabbed a pair of mine , but Jason caught it before he was able to do any damage . That 's another thing we 've been working on today , " puppy - proofing " the house as best we can - time will tell . Otherwise , this has been a busy and productive weekend . It seems like we managed to get a great deal accomplished , and there is still a great deal more to be done . Tomorrow we have multiple appointments to get to ( Jason and I ) , and Linda has a few errands to take care of , so we 'll all be busy enough . Having the girls with us , is just an added bonus , especially for Linda , as Stacy is going to be spending most of the day with her - school is out for summer . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take car and stay positive . Yesterday was a physically taxing day , with me moving more boxes and things than I have had to do in quite a long time . As a result of that I was quite tired by the time I got to bed , and with that I slept pretty soundly . That is , until about 06 : 00 this morning , when Linda woke and said she was getting up . She had plans on getting up to a memorial , in Vista . She was asked to attend as a member of Blue Star Mothers , and she was going to meet up with one or two other members to show support for the family . As it turned out , it was a very nice memorial / funeral - the kind I think I 'd like to have . Most of the men were dressed in Aloha shirts and they basically celebrated the man 's life . When I go I want to have the people enjoying themselves and remembering the good times . Anyway , I drove Linda up to Vista , and since Vista is relatively close to Fallbrook , I decided to take my bike with us , and while Linda was there I would be out doing a little exploring of the Fallbrook area . I got in a 17 mile ride , and found that from our house on Ramona Dr . I had to ride about seven miles to get to a significant part of Fallbrook . Once there I spent a couple of miles just riding around looking at different places , and finding out that Fallbrook is very much like Livermore was , a couple of decades ago . A bid difference though is that Fallbrook has lots of hills , and there is a significant climb just to get to the town center . Coming back home was much easier and at one point , while going back down the main hill , I was doing almost 40 mph - quite exciting . After I got back to the house I rested a bit and ate some oranges , and waited to hear from Linda . When she called , about an hour later , I took off to go pick her up and then we decided to get in touch with Anthony and Angelica , to see their new home . They literally just moved in a few days ago . The new house is very nice , and it is such a great step for the two of them , as they had been renting prior to this , and now they OWNED their own place . It is a great feeling to own your own home , and on the other side , moving in can be quite trying . . . so many boxes and so much to put away . Something we get to look forward to in just a couple of months . Tomorrow we need to spend some time over at our storage units , and won 't be able to go to church . We have two units that we need to condense down to just one unit , and it has to be done in the next few days . Either that or we have to pay for another month of rent , and we 'd rather not have to do that . It has been a busy few days , and it really feels pretty good because we 're getting things done . Thank you for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Busy day today - We got up a little prior to 07 : 00 and actually had to hurry to get ready , as we needed to be over at the girls school . They are not staying with us for the next couple of days , but we wanted to go anyway . Jason got to wear his SF Giants shirt , as it was Jackie 's Father 's Day sports day for their favorite sports team , and Jackie and Jason are both SF Giants fans ( so are Linda and I ) . It was fun being there and having the kids sing " Take Me Out to The Ball Game " and then we got to look around . This was a special visit as it is going to be the final week for Jackie next week , and then she will be moving on to her new school . Stacy was involved with yet another program at the same school , and because of what was going on at Jackie 's area we didn 't get to see the beginning of Stacy 's program . Linda was able to see more than Jason and I ( she went over ahead of us ) , but we did get to see her sing with her class and then complete the Kindergarten promotion ceremony . It was fun to watch them all and especially Stacy as she was obviously having a great time . Once all this was done we headed back over to the house , as we had lots of work to do . When we got home , the first thing we did was have breakfast . It was getting to be a little after 10 : 00 and we were getting hungry . Actually , Jason had an appointment of sorts . He was heading over to the hospital and was going to be talking with one of the other Wounded Warriors . This other young man was experiencing some tough times and he wanted to talk with Jason . As it turned out I think Jason was the right guy for the task . Jason has a natural ability to calm and help other guys who are having difficulties adjusting . After eating we went out to the garage , and asked Jason to park out in the street so that we could use the driveway . The task at hand was to clear the garage and reorganize , as well as identify items we could remove from the garage . Over all , it took about six hours to get all the work done , and the work paid off . The garage looks much better , and there appears to be more room , as well as Linda found a number of boxes of stuff that we have removed - It will be sold , given away , donated or something , over the next several days . On top of all this , today is David 's birthday . Both Linda and I attempted to contact him , as I think Jason did also . He is in Pennsylvania with his family , and I hope they 're having a great little vacation . He works very hard to support his family , and we are so very proud of all his continues to do . The rest of the day was simply sitting back and relaxing . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Another day , that felt like we were very busy getting some loose ends tied up , yet it doesn 't feel like we got much accomplished . I did take Jason 's truck in , as there were some issues going on with the electrical . As it turned out the Chevy dealership said it was a problem with how the lift system was installed , and not their problem . We are now planning on taking the truck back to Ability Center and having them look at it one more time . Funny part is , last time we were there we asked about the electrical problem , and they took some time to check it out - they said it was a Chevy problem . Guess we 'll see what happens next . Linda spent a big part of the day doing clean up around the house and then the two of us went down to the consignment store to take another piece of property - it was a popcorn popper . They have been the place to go to sell some of the stuff we are no longer going to be needing . This was probably one of the best ideas that Linda came up with , as far as what to do with all the stuff we have . We are hoping to have a bunch of it gone by the time we move in to the new house . We did do something a little different , and that is just the two of us went down to one of the local restaurants and we had a bowl of clam chowder . It was nice , as we don 't get a chance to get out and away , by ourselves , very often and this just sort of happened . We enjoyed watching the water on the Bay , and we actually relaxed and had a quiet conversation - - well , it was a loud conversation since the place was packed and quite noisy . The chowder was pretty good , too . Thanks , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Not much to report on , again , for a second day . We did do a few things , like working on our storage and getting things moving on reducing what we have . We need to get as much down prior to the move , so that we will know that it all fits . We have our remaining possessions from the house in Livermore , and also Jason 's possessions , so in affect we are putting two houses into one , and on top of that with the new smart home there is going to be some donated furniture . Because of this we need to be sure that what we have is what we want and need . Linda and I worked for a few hours moving and " inventorying " what is there . Needless to say , we were worn out by this evening , so we decided to just take it easy . I made a quick dinner , an orange sesame seed chicken and Linda made a wonderful fruit salad . These are foods that Jason really enjoys , and so do we . After dinner we sat down and watched a couple of movies and stayed up too late , but the girls are gone , so we can stay up a little later . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We woke up early this morning , to the sound of my phone going off . Jason kind of uses it as an intercom when he wants to get some help with something , and early this morning , about 03 : 30 , he needed help with Kojak . Seems Kojak had had an accident in the house , and unfortunately when he did , it prevented Jason from taking care of it himself . Actually , Kojak has only had a couple of accidents in the house , and considering that he is a puppy , and not yet quite house trained , that 's pretty good . Even more impressive is the fact that Jason has been able to clean up after him , with this time being the exception . I have to admit I wasn 't too happy about getting up , and even more interesting was the fact that it took me awhile to figure out it was my phone that was ringing . I just sort of stared at it for a few seconds before I realized I needed to answer it - I was very asleep when he called . I came down and took care of it in a matter of a few minutes , and was back in bed well before 04 : 00 , and managed to get back to sleep , just a little before we had to get up . I got up , and did my best to not disturb Linda , she has been working really hard organizing and repacking and made my way down stairs . Fortunately both girls were already up , and it wasn 't even 07 : 00 yet . They were in bed with their Daddy , and all were having a great time watching some sort of cartoon on the screen . I had to solicit Jason 's assistance , and we managed to get the girls back to their room , where I started to help them get dressed and ready for school . I guess I was working about five or six minutes when Linda came into the room . I was totally surprised and very happy to see her . This allowed me to get back out to the kitchen and she took over in their room - I was sweating having to brush and do something with their hair - I really don 't have a strong ability to braid hair , and invariably , that 's what they want . Linda / Grandma , is very good at it . Breakfast and lunches is where I excel , and the girls were soon sitting down eating their breakfast and I was finishing up their lunches . Soon we had the girls off to school and we were all walking over to St . Charles Borromeo . This is their last week there , and we 're all going to be missing our morning walks to school and being able to great so many familiar faces and friends . As soon as we got back to the house , Jason and I had to eat our breakfasts and then off to the appointment at the hospital . The appointment was a little late , mostly due to the computer systems not functioning . We did get in to see the doctors at a reasonable time , though it caused a ripple affect by delaying us for the next appointment , up at the house in Fallbrook . The hospital visit was to get the final schedule for Jason 's upcoming operation , and to allow us , and the doctors , to go over anything that was still unsure or sitting as a question in our mind . As it was , the operation is set for June 16th , and I think all our questions were answered . Dr . Pothula was great , and has a wonderful way of working with his patients . He gave us his personal phone number to be sure we could get in touch with him , if anything come up . Most doctors don 't do that . Our next stop was at Wells Fargo , where Jason banks , to get some business taken care of , and that only lasted about 10 minutes , then we were off to Fallbrook . We were a later than we wanted , but at least we were now moving up that way . There was a special piece of equipment going in , and they wanted Jason to be there for the install , just in case there was a question or an adjustment had to be made . Fortunately the installers had the time to be flexible , and it all worked out . They had the install done and we were all very happy with how it came out . The other big plus is that this visit allowed Jason to go through the house and see some of the progress that Linda and I had seen , and the house is moving along very nicely . We headed back down to San Diego , and we were both getting hungry . The drive down was easy and without incident , the way I like it . I made lunch for Jason and I , and as I was making lunch Linda came in from the errands she had been working on . Since I was involved with making the lunches she said she would go pick up Stacy , as Jackie would be picked up an hour later . The rest of the day was pretty relaxed and " normal " , or whatever you would like to call it . We had sliders for dinner , and the girls were thrilled , since those are one of their favorite foods , and I was happy since they 're easy to make . Stacy worked on homemade cards ( I kind of call them memory cards , as they are to be given to her friends so that they remember her and she wanted to give them her new address in Fallbrook ) , to hand out to the kids in the class . Linda had been running around getting all the stuff for them , today ( her errands I mentioned earlier ) , and the two of them finished them up tonight . The girls got to go play for a little while , and then that was the end of the day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive .

We had a wonderful start to today , in that I got up very early , before 06 : 00 and managed to get a few things done ( and cleaned ) before Linda got home . That 's right , Linda came home today . She is back from that road trip she took with her parents , up to Utah . They went up there to spend a few days with Linda 's sister , Lisa , and it sounds like it was a good trip . On the way up they stopped at a few other places and saw some other family and friends , including a stop in the S . F . Bay Area . We 're just glad that she is home safely and that Joe and Jess made is back home as well , after dropping Linda off . What happened was that they drove down , and when they were in San Bernadino ( or close ) they called and we drove up to Fallbrook , to meet them . As it turned out , they arrived about two ( 2 ) minutes after we did . I hadn 't even finished getting the van closed back up , when they drove up . It sure felt good to see Linda , and the girls ( yeah , we had them with us ) were all over Grandma , when they saw her . We all walked through the house and after a short visit , Joe and Jess took off to go back up to their place and we took off south . Like I said , we were up in Fallbrook , and you know we 're going to go see the property once we get there . The appliances are all installed , now and the place looks great . There really isn 't much left to be done , except for stuff out side the house . We all had a wonderful time walking through the house and seeing all that had been done . This was Jason 's first visit to the house in several weeks , so he saw some big changes . Everything is really looking exceptional . Imagine that , the month of June is over and perhaps we can get out of this " June - Gloom " that we 're going through down in San Diego . We even had thunderstorms and rain today , on top of the humidity that we usually don 't have . Don 't get me wrong , the weather here is generally pretty good , and I found out that up in Livermore , where we 're from , they hit 109 - and that is a bit toasty , even for me . On a positive - the rain knocked some of the dirt off the car - - - okay , now the car really looks like it needs to be washed . I am hoping that the drought doesn 't last much longer . We really do need the rain , and I don 't like not being able to wash my own car . There are plenty of car washes in Pt . Loma , so they do tend to stay relatively clean . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I got up this morning about 05 : 45 and couldn 't go back to sleep . Actually , it was probably a good thing I couldn 't go back to sleep , as I had some things to do , and I needed to get started on them anyway . As it turned out , there were no scheduled things going on and so I went for a 25 mile bike ride . Actually , there was something scheduled , and I simply forgot about it . Jackie was supposed to go to a speech class , and I completely forgot about it , until Linda reminded me tonight , when I spoke with her . The bike ride was good for me , though , and it gave me a chance to just get out and take a little bit of time to think about life and the environment . There wasn 't much else going on today , except for an appointment for Stacy , and I did manage to get her there , and with a little time to spare . The rest of the evening was pretty relaxed , and we had a nice dinner - I made salmon , rice and vegetables . Both girls enjoy salmon , so it is one of the easiest and healthiest of meals I can prepare . When they went to bed I read a story to them , Purpleishus , for about the 10th time . Both of them have the story memorized , so I don 't have to worry about forgetting anything , or having two pages stuck together . They both let me know when something is left out or slightly changed . After they got to bed Jason had his shower , and that 's when I do the dressing change , and both sides are looking better , especially the left side . Since he had the surgery he has been reluctant to be up any more than he needs to . I am taking full advantage of this " extra " down time to focus on keeping his wounds dressed and clean . the extra attention and liter load has allowed the healing to take place . Linda will be coming home tomorrow , and we 'll be going up to Fallbrook to meet up with them . I need to get up to Fallbrook anyway , so it all works out better this way . Jason and both girls will be going with me , and it will give all of them a chance to see the house , and to see the progress . I have been instructed to bring the camera so a good chance some new pics will be posted soon . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I got the girls up this morning and because I didn 't have them take a bath last night , had them take a bath this morning . It was a little out of the regular schedule , but they dealt with it . I didn 't wash their hair ( it really wasn 't too bad anyway ) because I didn 't want to have to deal with wet hair and get them ready for church . The funny thing is , Stacy dressed herself today , and she looked great ! She even got a few compliments on how nice she looked . I hope she maintains the sense of style . Jackie wasn 't hard to get dressed , though she did want to wear other clothes than what I picked out for her . I also got some help from Stacy , and if Stacy likes it , Jackie is going to like it - generally . We spent the rest of the day at home , where I was able to get a couple loads of laundry done and the rest of the days chores out of the way . It really has been a relaxed kind of day , all around . Jason had to deal with his new puppy , Kojak . For whatever reason , Kojak just doesn 't like those dog beds . Jason has bought 3 of them since getting Kojak , and last night or early this morning Kojak attacked the third bed , and it is now out in the trash . I don 't think Jason is going to be buying another bed for a couple of months , in hopes that Kojak will grow out of it . Gracie likes the beds . . . We had a visit from Serving Spoons and Annie , the original contact person for us , was with them . She is home for summer break , as she will begin her second year at college , and she is looking all so grown up now . They brought us dinner , and it was very good , as it usually it . I was particularly happy to see them , because that meant I didn 't have to make dinner . Stacy and Jackie got to stay up past 20 : 00 ( 8 pm ) tonight than then she read a story before going to bed . It was a story about Mickey and Goofy going to Australia , and except for a few words , she was able to get through the book pretty well . She loves to read and is always looking for new things to read and working so hard at increasing her own vocabulary . Not much else going on , so I 'll sign off now , and for those that would like to buy a brick for Jason 's home , just check out my FB page and you can find the information there . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Got up this morning and decided that it was a better idea for me to head over to the gym , instead of trying to get out on my bike . I got a good work out in , and the girls were still sleeping when I left , so I felt like it was the right decision . When I got back , about and hour later , the girls were now up and in with their daddy , having a great time . I asked them what they wanted to for breakfast and we all decided it was going to be French Toast . Well , it was more of a directional kind of deciding , as I had already bought the bread ( Texas Toast ) and I kind of encouraged them to go that direction . Anyway , that 's what I ended up cooking . After breakfast I had promised to take the girls out on their bikes , so we went on over to the local school and the girls managed to get a ride in , around the parking lot . Jason called me after a single loop and asked us to come back home . Kojak had gotten himself tangled up in some wires / cables under his bed and he couldn 't get Kojak out . Funny thing is , that as we were on our way back to the house it started to sprinkle a little , and so after getting Kojak untangled we decided to stay home for a little bit , and instead head over to the library . The girls wanted to get some new books and Jackie was now old enough to get her own library card . We remained at the library for a little over an hour and then headed back home with new books and a new card for Jackie . She was very happy and proud of her new card and told Stacy that she didn 't have to get her books anymore . We decided , at that point to eat a quick lunch , as the girls said they still weren 't very hungry , though they both ate a full sandwich , and all the rest of their lunches . Then it was time to get back over to the school , to ride their bikes . As we were leaving , Gary K . was showing up , and wanted to go visit Jason . I thought this was great , as I didn 't have to worry about anything going wrong while we were away . As we returned ( again , we were gone for about an hour ) Gary was getting ready to say his good byes , and so the timing was good . I spoke with Gary about the Buy - A - Brick for Jason 's house and he said he would be happy to help , and asked if it was on the blog or somewhere else . This gave me the idea of seeing if I could get it on the blog . In my search I have come to the conclusion that it doesn 't go well on the blog , though I did get it on my Facebook page . So . . . for all those who know me via FB , you can pull down a copy from there , for right now . Just go to my page and either see it , or do a search for Build - A - Brick and you should be able to find it . Dinner was simple tonight , as I fixed chicken pot pies , and then it was time to hit the sack , for the girls . I also needed to get some laundry done , so that happened , and then I was given a bit of a nice surprise - - - Stacy read the story tonight , before going to sleep . I helped her a little , but she managed to get all the way through the story , and it was really kind of fun . She is really starting to grow up and we 're enjoying it . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . The day began with an early call to my lovely wife , Linda , and though it was supposed to be a wake - up call , she was already up and heading out the door , to take their dog for a walk . The dog is going to miss Linda , when she and her folks head on back home next week . Seems like she has been gone for a long time now , and I am ready for her to come back home . I went up to Fallbrook today , to check out the house and it is looking Great ! . The floor is done , with only the base - board to be installed , and some other trim work . Most of the fixtures are in place as are most of the sinks and bathroom items . Next week they start the concrete work and not too long after that the yard work and landscaping begins . We are really getting close , and we 're all excited . About the only thing that isn 't moving fast are the Buy - a - Brick sales . I keep leaving them behind anytime I go anywhere , and keep missing opportunities to get some sold . Once Linda is back I 'll be putting much more effort into it . I was hoping to have a bunch of them sold by now , and we 've only been able to move about a dozen or so . If you 're interested in finding out more about this , please get in touch with me , or just leave a comment . The blog has been open to comments for some time now , so if you 've had problems in the past , please try again . While up in Fallbrook I stopped in at Bonsal , and visited with their Chamber of Commerce . They are wanting to put together a music festival and as a result of previous conversations they asked me to stop and chat with them . I gave them some pointers and even attempted to get them connected with a few people , so I hope I 've been of help . Also , while up there I got in a short 15 mile ride , and my legs sure feel it . The hills in that area are a bit more steep and though the ride " home " is fun and mostly down hill , the initial ride out is up some gnarly hills . The rest of the evening has been quiet , and I am looking forward to my rest tonight . The girls will be coming in the morning , so we get to have some fun with more library visits and such . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . A good day , again and we even had a visitor drop by . The girls went back to their mother 's place and we 'll see them again on Friday . Jason had an appointment with Wound Care , and things looked great there , so , aside from the continued soarness , things are going pretty good . It is probably going to be another few days ( maybe a week ? ) before Jason is feeling like doing much more than he is right now . The visitor we had was retired Master Chief , Fred Thomson . He is a gentelman we met a few years ago , when Jason went to go " turn wood . " Fred , along with retired Maj . Gen . Tom Lighter have been running and building the turning program for the vets for several years now , and it shows just how good they are at helping these guys recover from the challenges of war and battle . Fred and Jason talked about all kinds of things , though it frequently returned to wood turning . I think Jason is thinking about setting up a turning lathe at his new house , as soon as he can get things together . The rest of the day was just the two of us hanging around the house and doing our best to get some extra rest . Jason got the rest and I dealt with phone calls . A few of those calls were from Linda , and I 'm always happyto talk with her . Tomorrow Jason will be spending a good part of the day on his own , as I will be heading up to Fallbrook before Joselyn gets here . Heck , I might even be back before she arrives , depending on how quickly I can finish up there . There is a new program called , " Buy a Brick , " to help with the cost of the flag poll at Jason 's house , and I am trying to get folks interested in at least looking at the program . The bricks cost $ 100 , so they aren 't cheap , though you do get your name in a very nice design , around Jason 's flag poll , at the front of the house . That 's part of what I 'll be doing tomorrow , druming up interest . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . One of those days where not much happened , and that is kind of a good thing . Jason 's wounds are showing signs of healing more and we 're all happy about that . Jason is still recovering from the surgery and feeling a bit tender in places , so he is better off just staying down and relaxing , and I believe that is all that is needed to keep the healing moving in a positive direction . The hard part is that Jason likes to get up and move around - something we 're dealing with . I did take the girls to the library , today , and they had a great time . Stacy and Jackie both had a chance to play a video learning game that have there . It is a Dora The Explorer game and they told me all about her . Stacy checked out four books , and even got one for Jackie . Jackie doesn 't have a library card yet , though that is being rectified with paperwork . It is getting late and I need to get to bed , so that is all I have for the blog tonight . Thank you all , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Quite the nice day at the Ross homestead . We got up before 07 : 00 and when I came down stairs a few minutes after getting up , I find the girls in with their daddy , watching cartoons . I think this is one of the best times for the three of them , usually with Stacy snuggled up against Jason and Jackie close up next to Stacy . They look so comfortable I decided to leave them alone and go back and finish taking care of the kitchen - since I hadn 't completed it last night . I finally tell them that I need to get breakfast going , and that Jackie has an appointment this morning . Reluctantly they get up and Jason tells the girls that they need to go get some breakfast . I get Jason 's breakfast to him and the girls are soon eating , afterward . Jackie 's appointment is over at Dewey School , which is about 1 / 3 mile away , so it isn 't too far , and we all decide to walk over - that is , Stacy , Jackie and I . Jackie has a 1 - hour appointment so Stacy and I walk back home and then walk back over when it is time to pick her up . I tell the girls that tomorrow we get to go to the library , and they are both pretty excited abou it , and it made the walk back home even more fun . For whatever reason , both the girls love going to the library , and I guess I have to give most of the credit to Linda . She got into the habit of taking them to the library all last summer , and even a few times through the school year . Both Stacy and Jackie love going through books , and now Stacy is beginning to even read those books . She likes to stop at signs along the walk and attempt to read what is written , and she does a pretty good job . Shortly after lunch the girls go down for their " brain - rest " ( they like that better than taking a nap ) , and then Stacy has to get to her appointment with Dr . K . Both girls like to go , as it is another " adventure " and there are things for Jackie to do there , so she isn 't just sitting and waiting . Once that appointment is over we head back to the house and I am amazed , and surprised that the traffic is much better than I had anticipated . The rest of the day , and evening was pretty easy with the girls spending more time with their daddy , and then it got to be bed time . They picked a couple of stories to be read to them and then the day was done . Jason is continuing to improve and feel better , after the surgery , and though it is slow , it is still positive . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Well , about mid - day , yesterday , we experienced the summer solstice , and today we enjoyed the first full day of Summer ! Oh , yeah , and a Happy Father 's Day to all you dads out there , and even to those who are only at the point of thinking about becoming a dad . Do think about it though , as it is a very big responsibilty , and shouldn 't be appraoched lightly . Today we enjoyed having the girls come over to the house at a little after 08 : 00 this morning , and they were all excited about seeing Daddy and Grandpa . They gave Jason his Father 's Day gift , and then I received one as well . Linda had put all this together before she left , part of her on going effort to make sure things go right , even when she isn 't here . I guess that 's why she was working so hard before taking off to go with her parents . A little after the girls arrived , and the Father 's Day gifts were given I told the girls we would still be going to church , and they were going to be able to go to Sunday School . Both of them became very excited and wanted to know when we were going to leave . First they had to get dressed , as I did not feel what they were wearing was appropriate for church . They were definitely wearing their " kick - back " clothes and looked " comfortable . " I also had to take care of their hair , as it had not been brushed , and I know God doesn 't care what you wear , or what you look like , but I think that if you can go looking better then you should . After church we stopped and picked up a chocolate donut for Jason , and a couple for the girls . They wanted to be sure that Daddy got one . There really wasn 't a great deal more done today , other than me making a quick run to the store , and me making some phone calls . I spoke with my sons , when they called me , and I also spoke with two of my brothers , when I called them . I also coordinated with a few of our friends and arranged for them to come to the house , just for a visit with Jason . I think he would like to have some visitors , just so he can look at someone , other than me . I 'll make some more calls tomorrow , and see if I can get a few more friends to drop by . We had salmon , mashed potatoes and vegetables , with a fruit salad for dinner , and I prepared it all myself . Then again , for those that know me , this is no big deal , as I like to cool . The girls got a bath and I washed their hair and even brushed it out afterward , before they went to bed . Heck , I even braded Stacy 's hair and tried something different with Jackie ( she didn 't want a brade ) . I just hope they don 't have a bunch of tangles in the morning . There is no school now , so they can sleep in some , and that means I can too . . . ; - ) Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Jason text 'd me early this morning and let me know that they were talking about letting him come back home today . This was a good bit of news to wake up to , as I wasn 't sure what was going to be going on . I had too wait for Joselyn to arrive , so that I could leave the dogs at the house , and Jason wouldn 't be able to get up before noon anyway . When Joselyn arrived , it was about 10 : 00 and I immediately loaded my bike into the van and headed over to the bike shop . I had made an appointment to get it tuned so all I had to do was drop it off and then I headed off to the hospital . When I arrived at the hospital , Jason was watching television and simply waiting to get the final word from the doctor . About 10 minutes after I arrived the doctor walked in and we had a very good discussion about what happened ; what Jason 's condition was ; and , whether or not Jason should be coming home . Everything was going great until we got to the " going - home " part . Jason was at the end of fighting off another infection and they recommended that Jason stay over the weekend . Not that he needed to stay , just that they thought it would be better for him to be in the hospital , because they didn 't want to put me in a position of having to take care of him . We talked about what I 've been doing over the past few years and the fact that we only lived a few minutes from the hospital , and then I asked the doctor what he would do , if it were he in the hospital and he said he would go home . Therefore we decided it was okay to come home . We got home and the first thing he wanted to do was go through all his mail - he had a pretty good stack on the table . Next thing was to get a shower in . He hadn 't taken a shower in about four days , and he was feeling kind of grungy . He is still taking one antibiotic , for the next few days and then he 'll be finished with all the " new " meds he is taking , and will be back to his regular regimen . The rest of this evening was just go pick up my bike and then relax , so that 's what we did . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I got up this morning and before I could get my teeth brushed Linda called me . Darn , I wanted to call her . She and her parents are doing well and plan on making it to Nevada later in the afternoon , and as you might expect , they do . They are headed there to visit some friends and spend a little time resting and enjoying themselves . I miss having Linda around here to keep me on point , but for now I am doing my best to write lots of notes to myself . I went to the gym , once I got off the phone from Linda , and it was still kind of early , about 07 : 45 . The fortunate thing about where we are living is that not too many of the residents seem to want to use the gym in the earlier hours of the day . I figured I 'd get some time in on the treadmill , since I didn 't think I had time to go for a bike ride . I can jog and walk for an hour , and I need more than that if I want a good bike ride in . I ended up going about 5 miles and I felt pretty good afterward . It said my average speed was 4 . 6 mph , so I equate that to a really fast walk . After that I came right back to the house and within a few minutes Joselyn and her husband Robert showed up . Robert is taking Jason 's truck to get some work done on it , since Jason is still in the hospital . We really appreciate all that Robert is doing and continues to do for Jason , and also for Joselyn , for all that she has done . They have definitely made life easier for us all , and the girls love it when Joselyn is around . Within a half an hour of Robert picking up the truck I was on my way to see Jason and to see how he was doing . He was feeling a little better , though they have found that he has another infection and I am concerned that , that might require him to stay in the hospital another day or two . I 'll know more tomorrow . I hung around for a little over an hour and we talked about different things , and mostly the house , cause that was where I was going next . I went up to Fallbrook to deliver some mirrors that needed to be installed . Linda had requested that she be allowed to order most of the mirrors for the house , and they agreed . I had some of those mirrors in the garage . I managed to get them up to the house by 12 : 30 , and once I got there I walked the house with the builder . They are getting so much done and it all looks great . I stayed at the house for probably another hour , and then went on in to Bonsell ( the little city just outside of Fallbrook ) . I finally got myself something to eat . I had not eaten anything to that point , and I was starting to get hungry . I also met up with the Chamber of Commerce manager , while I was there and we had a great little conversation . Apparently they are very familiar with Jason and are looking forward to us moving in , though I know that they are really mostly interested in having Jason living near by . The entire neighborhood and even in to Bonsell , are so friendly . It really does remind me of when we first moved into Livermore . While I was up at the house I received a phone call , from the technicians at Quantum Power Chairs , and they wanted to come work on Jason 's chair ( the new one that isn 't quite right yet ) . I had to call Joselyn to let her know what was going on , and asked her to allow them to work on the chair , in the garage . I guess they got done what they wanted because when I got back home there was a note from them , telling me what they did , and what they wanted us to do next . My guess is that it will be end of next week before Jason is up to playing with a new chair . I gave another call to Jason and asked him if he would like to see the dogs , and of course he said he would . It was now about 15 : 30 ( 3 : 30pm ) so I loaded up the dogs into the van and we got over to the base . Because of the time there was no issue about parking - many open slots . We got up to the room and Kojak immediately went under the bed . Gracie was greeting and making sure that Jason was okay , and then she settled down . I asked Jason if they had done a dressing change , and they had not . One of the " new " nurses came in and said that Wound Care was supposed to come up , but never made it . I offered to do the dressing change and the nurse seemed very relieved . The nurse is an Air Force reserve Captain , and he and another corpsman , a sergeant in the Air Force reserve and there putting in their time . The nurse watched carefully , while I did the change and thanked me for showing him how it was done . He said he would make sure I didn 't have to do it tomorrow . I had dinner with Jason , as the Marine Family Support came by with dinner , and I was also offered something . This was good for me , as I wasn 't sure what I was going to be doing for dinner tonight anyway . We had dinner , and talked about the house and some of the stuff going on , and then he told me about the infection . This was disappointing , though I would rather know about it now , rather than to find out tomorrow . I stayed for a few hours and then had to get back home with the dogs . They need to be able to get outside , and right now they were kind of stuck in the room with us . Tomorrow is going to be another day of figuring out what is going on , one step at a time , and then we 'll just have to deal with what happens as it happens . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . . . One last note , since I don 't have my editor here to help me ( Linda ) , I apologize for any of the oopses you might run across . Good day for all of us . Jason is doing well at the hospital , and they should be allowing him to go to more solid foods tomorrow . He is in good spirits , though he is getting tired of " clear liquid " diet - one can only eat so much jello . . . ; - ) The doctors are saying that he should be out in four days , so I 'm guessing that he will be coming home sometime on Friday , or worst case , Saturday . I managed to get in a short bike ride this morning , though I did seem to misplace my backpack . I always ride with my backpack , as it carries all my stuff , like spare tubes and bike lock and such . I finally did find it , after I had made a second one and got back from the ride . I ended up with about 20 miles , on a relatively flat ride ( only a few small hills ) . Tomorrow I don 't think I 'll be able to get out for a ride , though I should have some time to get over to the gym in the early hours . The dogs should be okay for a little over an hour , by themselves . A real positive is that Kojak is starting to warm up to me a little more , and that is a good thing , we 'll see how it goes after Jason gets back home . Tomorrow I 'll be going in to see Jason a little earlier , so that I can get with the Wound Care folks , who are also coming in . I 'm supposed to be there around 09 : 30 , so I 'll do my best to do that . I intend to get to sleep a little earlier tonight . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Jason 's surgery went well , yesterday and though it did take a little longer than originally expected , he came through wonderfully . I spoke with the doctors and he was very pleased with all that took place , and even got to speak with Jason , who was still coming around from the anesthesia . Jason is now in the hospital , and will be there for a few days , probably three , and then be coming back home . This is good , as it makes it easier to take care of the animals ( Gracie and Kojak ) . Actually , last night I took the girls , Stacy and Jackie , to go see their daddy and also brought along the dogs . Gracie handled it like a veteran support / service dog that she is and Kojak behaved himself better than I expected . I think both dogs are trying to figure out what the heck is going on , and Kojak is spending a great deal of his time under Jason 's bed . The girls were happy to see Daddy , as they did not fully understand what was going on , and neither of them wanted to leave when it was time to come back home . We did manage to get back to the van and once back home they new it was getting late , so a quick bath and then bed time was in order . On top of everything else , it was still Taco Tuesday ! Fortunately , Joselyn knows us pretty well now and had everything going by the time I initially came back from the hospital , right after Jason 's surgery . This made it a lot easier on me , so I am very appreciative of her . She is going to be continuing to help a little more , over these next few days , and that will probably allow me to maintain my sanity . For example , I will be taking the girls back to their mother 's , this morning and then after Joselyn comes I will be going for a much needed bike ride . After that I 'll go on in to see Jason and play it by ear from there . Other than that , there is going to be an effort to get to a more relaxed and " normal " life flow . Linda and her parents are up in Livermore , right now , visiting for a couple of days , and then heading north . I suspect they will be gone the full two weeks , and then , depending on how things are going , may head on back down or take another week to visit other family . We get to talk , at least twice a day , and it sounds like they are having a good and relaxing time , and I am very pleased with that . I miss having Linda around , yet fully understand the need for this trip , and am glad she can help . Thank you for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Perhaps I 'll need to start blogging and posting in the early morning hours . Last night we ( Jason and I ) were up kind of late , due to some extra challenges , and I didn 't get to my blogging until late . As I attempted to write this up my connection became very sketchy , and it was taking more than a minute to write a single word . This morning it is much better , so maybe I need to switch to morning . Heck I normally wake early anyway , we 'll see how it goes . Yesterday and the day before were very busy for us . We went to the Gary Sinise Foundation / Lt . Dan Band concert at the Hotel Del Coronado and had a great time . Getting ready to go was a bit of a challenge , as things kept going in different directions and we had to work to stay focused on getting to the event / concert . We made it to the hotel and checked in with the idea that Jason was going to get some rest , prior to the concert . I guess the excitement was a bit much for everyone and Jason wanted to get some social time in , visiting . Linda and I had promised the girls we 'd take them to the beach and when we left , one of the last things I asked of Jason was to be sure to get some rest before the reception , at 15 : 15 ( 3 : 15pm ) . When we got back from the beach , Jason was not in the room , so I went to go find him . It was now about 14 : 30 ( 2 : 30pm ) so that meant very little rest time left available . Jason showed up about 10 minutes later and did finally lay down , but that also meant he was only getting 15 minutes of rest , rather than a couple of hours . We went to the reception and got to do more socializing and meeting up with some friends we hadn 't seen in months . We all felt pretty good , and the girls were really having a great time . At about 16 : 30 we all started to make our way to the stage that was set up on the beach , and because we were VIP guests , we got taken right up to the front . We then took the girls around to behind the stage and saw Gary , getting ready . Gary is such a great guy - even while he is under the pressure of having to hit a deadline to get on stage , he is gracious and considerate of us , and our interruption . We leave and get back to our seats , about two minutes later . Even the security is going out of their way to be very courteous and yet solid . The performance was wonderful , and Gary had a great connection with the audience . The down side came towards the end of the performance . This is where the lack of rest showed up and Jason had to get back to the hotel room . Fortunately there were a few people there from the Carrington Foundation as well , and Brandon and Kurt were able to help us get the girls and all our stuff ( we brought chairs and other items - the performance was on the beach , after all ) back to the room . We all just sort of collapsed for a few minutes and then Linda started with getting the girls ready . Shortly after that I started getting some things ready and helping with the packing . All together it took us about an hour to get back out of the room . Some of that was due to the hotel being busy , and trying to get a luggage cart to the room , though we finally did check out . The room was made available to us , through GSF and the hotel , so that was very nice . Once we got home we just did a quick job of putting stuff away and getting the girls to bed . It was late for them ( about 21 : 30 / 9 : 30pm ) and we 'd had a great day . Everyone was tired and we had another exciting day ahead of us . . . Yesterday , Linda had to get the final touches together so that she could go with her parents , on their road trip . This was something that we talked about for days , and she struggled with . Should she be going when Jason is going in for surgery ? We finally came to the conclusion that her going was the right decision , as her parents are both getting older and a long drive isn 't always that easy to do . This is probably their last long road trip , and having Linda along makes it much more safe . Jason is going in to a hospital where there is a level of confidence and comfort that allows us to feel that this is going to be a relatively safe way to go , for all of us . On top of that I have taken care of Jason and the girls , on my own in the past , and the girls are now older , and that makes it a little easier . Anyway , she got off to the train ( she road the train up to their place , to meet them there ) and they are now on the road , headed to Utah , to go see Lisa and Michael ( Linda 's sister and her husband ) . The rest of the day was pretty relaxed , and basically just getting Jason ready for the surgery . That meant taking the right medications at the right times , throughout the day . We learned a great deal about what it means to get ready for this type surgery , especially for Jason , and if there is every a need to do this kind of thing again we will be better prepared . We did run into some challenges , later in the day , and that kept us up , late last night . The good thing was that the girls had gone to bed and that meant the focus was totally on Jason . We made it through and now it is a matter of just getting over to the hospital , when we 're supposed to . Joselyn will be coming over to help with everything , and that makes me feel a little more relaxed ( Jason , too ) . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I woke up this morning , at about 05 : 50 and felt like I was wide awake . We were planing on going to the Gary Sinise Foundation concert of the Lt . Dan Band a little later in the day , but for now we just had a few little things to do . With this in mind I decided to go for a quick bike ride , and get some needed exercise . I managed to get in about 15 miles and I was gone almost exactly one hour . At that point , everybody was up and we all needed to start getting ready for heading out . Linda did the packing , so that the girls would be able to get into the water . once we got to Coronado Island , and the Hotel Del Coronado . The concert was to be on the beach , right there by the hotel , so it all worked out nicely . I was hoping to get out by 10 : 45 , but we didn 't make it , and actually left at about 11 : 45 . Since I had not driven to the hotel I was grateful that Anthony and Angelica were also going , and they stopped by to pickup Jason 's paramobile . We just followed them , as he had driven there previously , and knew where we were supposed to go , to get to the correct parking . When we checked in there was a little surprise , and that was Gary Sinise was checking in at the same time . He took the time to come over and chat with us for a little while , and the girls were very excited to see him again . Once we were in the hotel we took the girls out to the beach and they got to play in the water with Grandpa , while Grandma watched all our stuff , up on shore . One of the cool sights was that some dolphins actually swam up pretty close to where I was in the water , and they were swimming around , having their own fun . Shortly after that we went back up to the hotel , and started to get ready for the reception , and then the show . We had a great time at the reception , as we got to see a bunch of people we hadn 't seen in quite a long time . It also seemed like we hadn 't seen some of the folks from GSF in several months , so it was kind of like a reunion of sorts . From the reception we made our way to the area were the concert was to take place , and then on to get some food , so we could eat , and enjoy the performance . We had VIP seating and it was an excellent location . People were coming up to Jason and thanking him and shaking his hand , and we felt a great deal of love and support there . The only down side was that Jason did push himself a little more than I would have liked , and I could tell that he was very tired by the time we started to head back to the hotel , and go home . Over all , it was an excellent day , and we had a great time . I highly recommend seeing the Lt . Dan Band , if you get the chance . They really know how to perform and they are constantly adding new songs to their performance . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was the last day of school for Jackie , and she got to go to school ( pre - school ) in her pajamas . I remember the excitement of being able to do silly things at school , and I hope she remembers this one . The sad part was that some of the parents / kids didn 't get the message and when they saw the others in their pajamas they became very upset that they didn 't get to wear their pajamas . Jackie had a great time , and I was to come back at 11 : 30 to pick her up . Problem with that though was that for whatever reason , I had it in my head that it was 12 : 30 , and so yes , I was late . Funny part is , I thought I was actually a little early - it all worked out . Linda was off taking care of a bunch of errands and getting ready for her trip with her parents . For the past couple of days she has been running from place to place getting things for the trip ; getting things for the girls ; and , getting things for the house . She is even taking some time to breath , a little . The one thing that I think will help her get through all this is that her dad will be doing a bunch of the driving and that will give her a chance to just relax a little - - - I hope . Jason went in to Balboa Hospital today , to take care of a couple things , and I didn 't have to go in with him . One was a simple procedure that he decided to not do , because he was going to be going in for surgery this coming Tuesday , so he 'll just have it all done at the same time . I think that is actually a better way to go , and ultimately be more comfortable for him . Speaking of comfort - one of the biggest challenges he has is getting around in his chair and staying reasonably comfortable . We have been working with this new chair supplier and we think the chair they have shows a great deal of promise , but it sure seems difficult to get it to be just how Jason wants it . Right now the back system they offer just doesn 't provide the right kind of support , so now we 're waiting on an after - market provider , and hope they have a better and more comfortable back . If they can get that right then we will have a new chair , and Jason will have a more comfortable ride . I still don 't think he will be able to be in his chair for more than a few hours at a time , but at least it will be a little better . Tomorrow we will be heading up to Los Angeles , to share in our grandson , Ethan 's 3rd birthday . We will be going up in the van and stopping to pick up Linda 's parents . Stacy and Jackie are very excited about seeing Nana , Tata and their cousins again , and we should all have a great time . Jason will be staying back here , so that he can get some rest and quiet time , with Joselyn coming in to make sure he is taken care of . I sure wish Jason could get to the point of being able to visit with people more frequently , but that just doesn 't seem to be on the near horizon . We 'll be leaving the house at about 07 : 30 , so that we can get Linda 's folks and still be to the party with plenty of time to spare . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today started out early - Linda was up a little after 04 : 00 because Kojak was being a puppy and again chewing on things that he shouldn 't be chewing on . In this case he managed to pull up some vinyl and fortunately Linda caught him early enough that the damage was kept to a minimum . None - the - less , she was up and there were things to be done so she didn 't come back to bed . I managed to sleep in until a little after 06 : 00 and decided to get up , since I was the only one in bed . . . ; - ) . I need to get up early , anyway , as I wanted to get Jason 's new track chair on to the carrier , which needed to be mounted on to the van . This also meant that I had to clear things in the garage so that I could get the chair out . I managed to do this , despite the fact that Jason 's truck was parked right out side the garage door and limited my maneuverability . I moved a bunch of things and there was my clear path . Before bringing the chair out I decided I should get the rack mounted on to the van . Because it weighs about 120 lbs . by itself I went over and asked Paris , our next door neighbor to help me with it . We had actually made this arrangement yesterday , so he was waiting for me , and it was now closer to 07 : 30 . We were able to get the carrier mounted on to the van , with a little work and then I went to move the track chair . Everything was going great - I thought . Just as I broke the plain of the garage door , with the chair , it stopped working . The best I can figure out is that I must have had my hand on the power switch , because that was the end result . At the time I didn 't know what I had done , nor did I know what to do to get it corrected . The display was not providing me with enough information , so I called the service number , and got their voicemail . I did my best to figure out what was wrong but to no avail . I finally decided that I would instead load up the paramobile . We were headed to Nick Kimmel 's ground breaking ceremony and this would be an alternative that would work in place of the track chair . Problem is that the paramobile has a set up like a trike with the rear wheel mounted in the center and the ramp on the carrier is not set up for a 3 - wheeler . I had to jury rig a ramp that would hold it getting up to the carrier , and that only took a few minutes , and I was back in business . Or at least I thought . The platform on the carrier is set up for the track chair , not the paramobile and I came to discover , the platform is too small for the paramobile . Now I had to get it back down , and that was only slightly easier than getting it up on the carrier . Now I had to get everything back in to the garage and we were running out of time . All the moving and lifting had caused me to get a little bit of a sweat going , so I also needed a shower , and then to get dressed . We finally did get in to the van , with an empty carrier on the back , and we were headed down the road . Traffic wasn 't an issue , but then we really didn 't know where we were going , as we had not been there before . We finally made it to the event , and it was already underway . We didn 't mean to make a noisy entrance , but in this case we really didn 't have much choice . The ground breaking was still done and it went off very well . The San Diego Padres even had people there , as that is where Nick is working now . The fun part is that I knew some of them and it was good to get a chance to catch up a little . We had Stacy with us and she had fun , and kept busy " helping " with a shovel digging in the dirt . After all this , and taking a few minutes to visit and talk with a bunch of friends we decided to go on over to Jason 's smart home . As it was , the contractor wanted us to go over some of the concrete work that was planned , and it was a good thing we did . Some changes were implemented and Jason was able to express his plans for how he wants to put up his fence ( He wants to fence in a pretty large area so that the dogs can have a place where they can run and have fun while outside ) . Another thing was shown to us , and that is the flag pole location . We found out that the Gary Sinise Foundation would like to offer people a chance to buy a brick , that will be used to help build the base for the flag pole . Each brick will be " bought " as a donation and this will help with some of the costs of building Jason 's house and other expenses , and at the same time provide some recognition to people who would simply like to help . For all those interested , please contact Gary Sinise Foundation Events Coordinator , Hannah Hauserman at ( 818 ) 432 - 8975 or email hhauserman @ garysinisefoundation . org . Or you can contact me , though that would probably be a slower process . After heading back home ( traffic was really kind of heavy on the return trip , and it wasn 't even 12 : 30 yet ) took a little longer than the trip up . Once we got back to the house we fixed lunch and I went out to work on the garage and the track chair . I had received a call from the service folks and the " fix " was actually very simple , and the chair was working again . I will have to wait until tomorrow to get the carrier off though , as it is just too awkward for me to attempt to do it alone . Finally , this evening there was a promotional ceremony at Jackie 's pre - school and we went over to watch the program , and Jackie 's moving along . Jason also had an appointment to attend to so he was still being kept busy . After the ceremony , we took the girl to the Olive Garden , as that is what they asked for . I was okay with that , as I enjoy the food there . We came back home and the girls simply went into their room and played until it was time to go to bed . Linda read them a couple of stories and effectively the day was over for all of us . Obviously Linda and I didn 't go right to bed , though Jason did . In fact he was asleep before they were - he had had a very busy day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . This morning started out as normal as any that we have . We got the girls up and Jackie off to her pre - school , and that was that . Stacy managed to stay in her pajamas a little while longer and finally got dressed , so that she could spend some time with Grandma , since she was going to be going to take care of some errands . In the mean time , Jason and I had an appointment with the folks at The Ability Center , where I needed to get the lift system looked at and some possible minor adjustments . When I dropped the van off I made sure to ask that it be ready before the end of the day , since we were going to be needing it tomorrow . I had put my bike in the back of the van , so that I could ride , to get myself back home . I decided to head over to A1 storage to make a payment , on the way back , and it still provided me a little over 10 miles , with most of it being down hill . Kind of a fun ride , but I have to admit , it wasn 't any where near the exercise I really need . As it was , they called about an hour after I got back home , to let me know the van was ready , and I considered that a plus . Not much else going on , for the rest of the day , until later this evening . Linda picked up Jackie at about 15 : 00 ( 3pm ) and then we just sort of spent the next several minutes just cleaning up around the place . We had guests coming over , and we kind of like having a clean place for them to visit . It was Tae , and her friend Mel , and we had invited them over for Taco Tuesday . As it turned out , it was one of the best Tuesdays we 've had , for Tacos , and it all worked out great . The down side is that Tae and Mel are headed for Texas in a couple of days , and we won 't be seeing them for a few months . The positive is that we will be seeing them again , as they plan on coming back for a visit ; and , Linda and I may even get a chance to go out to Texas and visit them . Tomorrow we will be going up to Fallbrook , not only to see the progress of Jason 's new house , but to join in with the fun at Nick Kimmel 's ground breaking ceremony . It looks like his house has finally been set to get built , and tomorrow is day number 1 . This is going to be so much fun , because it will be all about him and we can be spectators for a change . Not sure what else we 'll be doing , but I do know that we will be keeping the girls for a little while longer , as we 've been asked , again , to keep them with us . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We got up this morning , with pretty much the usual Monday morning craziness that happens around here , especially when we have the girls with us . This is the final week of school for Jackie , and Stacy is now enjoying her summer vacation . Jackie 's class had a " favorite costume " day , and she decided she wanted to go as a Ladybug . Linda had found a ladybug costume a few months ago , and it still does fit , but just barely . Jackie was very happy , and we all went to her class with a very high level of energy and excitement from the girls . Of course Stacy 's was simply because she knew she got to walk back home after dropping Jackie off , and that 's okay . After getting back to the house we had a quick breakfast and then Jason and I started to get ready for our trip to the VA . He had an appointment with their Wound Care folks , and as it turned out , I 'm glad we went . His wounds have not closed , and in fact they have grown considerably since the last time we were there . The NP ( nurse practitioner ) was very concerned about the size of the larger of the two and asked us to follow up with the team that is supposed to be providing a seating solution for Jason . She basically spoke to Jason about the need to get them healed , and that he was being very risky by not getting this done . We now have an open door to get to the right people , and the next step is simply going through that " door . " Otherwise the visit was good and Jason is doing very well . The rest of the day was spent getting ready for a new ground breaking ceremony for another wounded warrior , that is coming up in a couple of days ; and , then we 'll be going to the Gary Sinise Foundation and Lt . Dan Band event over at Hotel Del Coronado on Flag Day . We 're looking forward to it , and hope to have a good time just relaxing and enjoying the music , as much as we can . The hotel and GSF is providing a room so that Jason can rest , as we want to give him as much rest as possible . Two days after this event , Jason will be headed to Balboa for his surgery . This evening was relaxed , and we had a dinner of left overs , and sometimes that is the best dinner . We will be going with our Taco Tuesday , tomorrow , as we are having a couple of friends over to join us . Tae , and her friend are coming , and this is going to be the last dinner we have with Tae , at least for a while ; as she is moving to Texas , in a couple of days . We 're going to miss her , since she is a great resource for information , as well as being a good friend . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a " work " day . . . again . We are in the midst of beginning our packing for the big move , and there is so much to go through . On the positive side , and there are many positives , Jason has been able to just stay down in the bed for most of the past two days , and that makes us happy . It allows his wounds to get a little more healing in , and that is something that we really need to happen . Each day also brings us closer to the big move , and that is definitely a positive . It is also " forcing " us to go through all our stuff and thus organizing it better . The down side is that we didn 't get over to the storage to work on reducing that down . We found out this morning that the girls would be coming over this evening ( they 're actually here now ) , and we needed to get a few more things ready for them , than we originally thought . They normally would not have come until Monday morning . The other down is that we didn 't get to go to church this morning , and we really do enjoy the time there , as well as the fellowship we enjoy . As it turned out , I ended up putting in some extra hours on the backyard because Kojak is really starting to get more comfortable here , and is acting more like a puppy - a big puppy - but a puppy none - the - less . Puppies like to play , and they like to chew on things . In his case , he seems to enjoy destroying plants , and doing his best to dig under them . Fortunately all his digging has been away from the fence , so at least that is one less thing to worry about . He has also discovered shoes , and just how great they " taste . " Looks like Jason is going to be buying Linda a new pair of tennis shoes , as Kojak ripped through a pair of her shoes . He grabbed a pair of mine , but Jason caught it before he was able to do any damage . That 's another thing we 've been working on today , " puppy - proofing " the house as best we can - time will tell . Otherwise , this has been a busy and productive weekend . It seems like we managed to get a great deal accomplished , and there is still a great deal more to be done . Tomorrow we have multiple appointments to get to ( Jason and I ) , and Linda has a few errands to take care of , so we 'll all be busy enough . Having the girls with us , is just an added bonus , especially for Linda , as Stacy is going to be spending most of the day with her - school is out for summer . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take car and stay positive . Yesterday was a physically taxing day , with me moving more boxes and things than I have had to do in quite a long time . As a result of that I was quite tired by the time I got to bed , and with that I slept pretty soundly . That is , until about 06 : 00 this morning , when Linda woke and said she was getting up . She had plans on getting up to a memorial , in Vista . She was asked to attend as a member of Blue Star Mothers , and she was going to meet up with one or two other members to show support for the family . As it turned out , it was a very nice memorial / funeral - the kind I think I 'd like to have . Most of the men were dressed in Aloha shirts and they basically celebrated the man 's life . When I go I want to have the people enjoying themselves and remembering the good times . Anyway , I drove Linda up to Vista , and since Vista is relatively close to Fallbrook , I decided to take my bike with us , and while Linda was there I would be out doing a little exploring of the Fallbrook area . I got in a 17 mile ride , and found that from our house on Ramona Dr . I had to ride about seven miles to get to a significant part of Fallbrook . Once there I spent a couple of miles just riding around looking at different places , and finding out that Fallbrook is very much like Livermore was , a couple of decades ago . A bid difference though is that Fallbrook has lots of hills , and there is a significant climb just to get to the town center . Coming back home was much easier and at one point , while going back down the main hill , I was doing almost 40 mph - quite exciting . After I got back to the house I rested a bit and ate some oranges , and waited to hear from Linda . When she called , about an hour later , I took off to go pick her up and then we decided to get in touch with Anthony and Angelica , to see their new home . They literally just moved in a few days ago . The new house is very nice , and it is such a great step for the two of them , as they had been renting prior to this , and now they OWNED their own place . It is a great feeling to own your own home , and on the other side , moving in can be quite trying . . . so many boxes and so much to put away . Something we get to look forward to in just a couple of months . Tomorrow we need to spend some time over at our storage units , and won 't be able to go to church . We have two units that we need to condense down to just one unit , and it has to be done in the next few days . Either that or we have to pay for another month of rent , and we 'd rather not have to do that . It has been a busy few days , and it really feels pretty good because we 're getting things done . Thank you for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Busy day today - We got up a little prior to 07 : 00 and actually had to hurry to get ready , as we needed to be over at the girls school . They are not staying with us for the next couple of days , but we wanted to go anyway . Jason got to wear his SF Giants shirt , as it was Jackie 's Father 's Day sports day for their favorite sports team , and Jackie and Jason are both SF Giants fans ( so are Linda and I ) . It was fun being there and having the kids sing " Take Me Out to The Ball Game " and then we got to look around . This was a special visit as it is going to be the final week for Jackie next week , and then she will be moving on to her new school . Stacy was involved with yet another program at the same school , and because of what was going on at Jackie 's area we didn 't get to see the beginning of Stacy 's program . Linda was able to see more than Jason and I ( she went over ahead of us ) , but we did get to see her sing with her class and then complete the Kindergarten promotion ceremony . It was fun to watch them all and especially Stacy as she was obviously having a great time . Once all this was done we headed back over to the house , as we had lots of work to do . When we got home , the first thing we did was have breakfast . It was getting to be a little after 10 : 00 and we were getting hungry . Actually , Jason had an appointment of sorts . He was heading over to the hospital and was going to be talking with one of the other Wounded Warriors . This other young man was experiencing some tough times and he wanted to talk with Jason . As it turned out I think Jason was the right guy for the task . Jason has a natural ability to calm and help other guys who are having difficulties adjusting . After eating we went out to the garage , and asked Jason to park out in the street so that we could use the driveway . The task at hand was to clear the garage and reorganize , as well as identify items we could remove from the garage . Over all , it took about six hours to get all the work done , and the work paid off . The garage looks much better , and there appears to be more room , as well as Linda found a number of boxes of stuff that we have removed - It will be sold , given away , donated or something , over the next several days . On top of all this , today is David 's birthday . Both Linda and I attempted to contact him , as I think Jason did also . He is in Pennsylvania with his family , and I hope they 're having a great little vacation . He works very hard to support his family , and we are so very proud of all his continues to do . The rest of the day was simply sitting back and relaxing . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Another day , that felt like we were very busy getting some loose ends tied up , yet it doesn 't feel like we got much accomplished . I did take Jason 's truck in , as there were some issues going on with the electrical . As it turned out the Chevy dealership said it was a problem with how the lift system was installed , and not their problem . We are now planning on taking the truck back to Ability Center and having them look at it one more time . Funny part is , last time we were there we asked about the electrical problem , and they took some time to check it out - they said it was a Chevy problem . Guess we 'll see what happens next . Linda spent a big part of the day doing clean up around the house and then the two of us went down to the consignment store to take another piece of property - it was a popcorn popper . They have been the place to go to sell some of the stuff we are no longer going to be needing . This was probably one of the best ideas that Linda came up with , as far as what to do with all the stuff we have . We are hoping to have a bunch of it gone by the time we move in to the new house . We did do something a little different , and that is just the two of us went down to one of the local restaurants and we had a bowl of clam chowder . It was nice , as we don 't get a chance to get out and away , by ourselves , very often and this just sort of happened . We enjoyed watching the water on the Bay , and we actually relaxed and had a quiet conversation - - well , it was a loud conversation since the place was packed and quite noisy . The chowder was pretty good , too . Thanks , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Not much to report on , again , for a second day . We did do a few things , like working on our storage and getting things moving on reducing what we have . We need to get as much down prior to the move , so that we will know that it all fits . We have our remaining possessions from the house in Livermore , and also Jason 's possessions , so in affect we are putting two houses into one , and on top of that with the new smart home there is going to be some donated furniture . Because of this we need to be sure that what we have is what we want and need . Linda and I worked for a few hours moving and " inventorying " what is there . Needless to say , we were worn out by this evening , so we decided to just take it easy . I made a quick dinner , an orange sesame seed chicken and Linda made a wonderful fruit salad . These are foods that Jason really enjoys , and so do we . After dinner we sat down and watched a couple of movies and stayed up too late , but the girls are gone , so we can stay up a little later . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We woke up early this morning , to the sound of my phone going off . Jason kind of uses it as an intercom when he wants to get some help with something , and early this morning , about 03 : 30 , he needed help with Kojak . Seems Kojak had had an accident in the house , and unfortunately when he did , it prevented Jason from taking care of it himself . Actually , Kojak has only had a couple of accidents in the house , and considering that he is a puppy , and not yet quite house trained , that 's pretty good . Even more impressive is the fact that Jason has been able to clean up after him , with this time being the exception . I have to admit I wasn 't too happy about getting up , and even more interesting was the fact that it took me awhile to figure out it was my phone that was ringing . I just sort of stared at it for a few seconds before I realized I needed to answer it - I was very asleep when he called . I came down and took care of it in a matter of a few minutes , and was back in bed well before 04 : 00 , and managed to get back to sleep , just a little before we had to get up . I got up , and did my best to not disturb Linda , she has been working really hard organizing and repacking and made my way down stairs . Fortunately both girls were already up , and it wasn 't even 07 : 00 yet . They were in bed with their Daddy , and all were having a great time watching some sort of cartoon on the screen . I had to solicit Jason 's assistance , and we managed to get the girls back to their room , where I started to help them get dressed and ready for school . I guess I was working about five or six minutes when Linda came into the room . I was totally surprised and very happy to see her . This allowed me to get back out to the kitchen and she took over in their room - I was sweating having to brush and do something with their hair - I really don 't have a strong ability to braid hair , and invariably , that 's what they want . Linda / Grandma , is very good at it . Breakfast and lunches is where I excel , and the girls were soon sitting down eating their breakfast and I was finishing up their lunches . Soon we had the girls off to school and we were all walking over to St . Charles Borromeo . This is their last week there , and we 're all going to be missing our morning walks to school and being able to great so many familiar faces and friends . As soon as we got back to the house , Jason and I had to eat our breakfasts and then off to the appointment at the hospital . The appointment was a little late , mostly due to the computer systems not functioning . We did get in to see the doctors at a reasonable time , though it caused a ripple affect by delaying us for the next appointment , up at the house in Fallbrook . The hospital visit was to get the final schedule for Jason 's upcoming operation , and to allow us , and the doctors , to go over anything that was still unsure or sitting as a question in our mind . As it was , the operation is set for June 16th , and I think all our questions were answered . Dr . Pothula was great , and has a wonderful way of working with his patients . He gave us his personal phone number to be sure we could get in touch with him , if anything come up . Most doctors don 't do that . Our next stop was at Wells Fargo , where Jason banks , to get some business taken care of , and that only lasted about 10 minutes , then we were off to Fallbrook . We were a later than we wanted , but at least we were now moving up that way . There was a special piece of equipment going in , and they wanted Jason to be there for the install , just in case there was a question or an adjustment had to be made . Fortunately the installers had the time to be flexible , and it all worked out . They had the install done and we were all very happy with how it came out . The other big plus is that this visit allowed Jason to go through the house and see some of the progress that Linda and I had seen , and the house is moving along very nicely . We headed back down to San Diego , and we were both getting hungry . The drive down was easy and without incident , the way I like it . I made lunch for Jason and I , and as I was making lunch Linda came in from the errands she had been working on . Since I was involved with making the lunches she said she would go pick up Stacy , as Jackie would be picked up an hour later . The rest of the day was pretty relaxed and " normal " , or whatever you would like to call it . We had sliders for dinner , and the girls were thrilled , since those are one of their favorite foods , and I was happy since they 're easy to make . Stacy worked on homemade cards ( I kind of call them memory cards , as they are to be given to her friends so that they remember her and she wanted to give them her new address in Fallbrook ) , to hand out to the kids in the class . Linda had been running around getting all the stuff for them , today ( her errands I mentioned earlier ) , and the two of them finished them up tonight . The girls got to go play for a little while , and then that was the end of the day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive .

Posted on December 2 , 2016 by UnsettlingStories 1 As Andrew got sicker , he 'd point to perceived smudges on our bedroom window . Nothing discernible to him . Not at first . But the decline in my partner 's health brought with it a growing realization . " It 's a face , " he told me . " It 's someone 's face . " I sat with Andrew through it all . Every sleepless night . Every shriek of terror as nightmares tore through him . Every sobbing declaration that he wasn 't ready . In the mornings , the smudged face would be there , ever clearer to him . He was terrified of it . Still , I saw nothing . Posted on November 4 , 2016 by UnsettlingStories Reply I 've lived in the same house for 40 years . After Ralph passed and I was left alone for the first time in three decades , I turned to my neighbors for comfort . They provided it in spades . I was honored and brought to tears by their kindness . Not too many places would make sure a lonely old man was taken care of . I 'm surrounded by wonderful , beautiful people . I took on the role of a grandfather to some of the neighborhood children . I was more than happy to babysit ; Ralph and I always wanted to adopt but it wasn 't permitted in our state . So , having the opportunity to be a formative figure in the lives of these children was a great privilege . It made me feel like I was getting another chance to do everything that had been denied to me . I wish Ralph could 've been here to take part . Still , I know he 's watching with the same love and pride he expressed every day he was alive . One girl , Madison , formed a particularly strong connection to me . Her father was out of the picture . Her mom , Helen , who was forced to work full time , was rarely home during the day . Helen had always been the most supportive and loving of the neighbors after Ralph 's death , so when I had the opportunity to help with Madison and watch her during the work day , I was more than willing . I started looking after Madison soon after her 10th birthday . She fell in love with the collection of toy kangaroos all over the house . Ralph was born in Australia and I always used to call him my little roo - especially when he got excited and his accent became more pronounced . On his birthdays , I 'd give him some type of kangaroo toy . They 'd been gathering dust after his passing and I was glad Madison could give them some life again . Years passed and Madison started to grow up . I worried she was becoming depressed . She never had very many friends in school . She 'd come straight over when her day was done and do her homework while waiting for her mom . Her mood was less bubbly than I 'd remembered . Part of it , I 'm sure , was her age . Adolescence is tough for everyone , let alone someone with a difficult family life like Madison . Still , I worried about her . She was perfectly nice to me and was never rude or disrespectful , but she 'd withdrawn . She didn 't watch television with me anymore after her homework , either . She 'd just sit on the floor in her kangaroo pajamas , which were far too small for her at that point , playing with Ralph 's figurines . Just like she did when she was little . When Madison was 16 , she got a boyfriend . Her first one , as far as I knew . I didn 't like him . At all . He was your typical teenage tough - guy type ; a chain - smoking , foul - mouthed loser . There wasn 't anything I could do about it , though . Madison wouldn 't bring him over and I think she sensed I didn 't approve . But it wasn 't my business . I told myself years before that such situations were purely between Madison and her mother . Only if I felt like Madison was in danger would I interfere . Madison spent more and more time with the boyfriend and less and less with me . The house grew quiet again . The other children I 'd taken care of had grown old enough to watch themselves . Their parents stopped by every so often for coffee , but my general person - to - person interaction was far less than I 'd previously enjoyed . I was lonely . One night , Helen came to me in a panic . Apparently , Madison had admitted to using drugs . Helen had no idea what kind or anything like that , but she was terrified for her daughter 's safety . I tried to reassure her that there had to be something the school could do , but that was when she told me the other half of the story : Madison was pregnant . This floored me . I 'd seen Madison around town over the last few months and I 'd noticed she 'd gained some weight , but it never occurred to me she might be pregnant . Now her drug use was even more worrying . We tried to figure out a plan together and the only thing we could agree on was that the school had to know . Even though the local school system wasn 't the best , they had to have some resources dedicated to problems like these . The school did nothing . Madison 's reckless behavior continued . Helen was too terrified to notify the police because she feared she 'd be put in a foster home . I , too , was clueless . Time went by and the rare times I 'd see Madison in town , she 'd be stumbling around drunkenly with her idiot boyfriend , her protrusive belly an obscenity against the background of her intoxication . On a late afternoon in February , I was leaving the supermarket when Madison spotted me from across the parking lot . She wasn 't with her boyfriend , thankfully . She rushed up to me and gave me a big hug . She didn 't seem drunk , but she had to have been on something . Her pupils were dilated and her words were slurred as she said how much she missed me . Then she asked if she could come over later to see the kangaroos . I told her that would be wonderful and that I missed her . At some point around 7 , Madison came over . I ushered her in quickly ; it was way below freezing outside and she looked ill . I could tell she was high . She shuffled in without saying hello and went to the mantle where the kangaroos stood . In a singsong , childish voice , she talked to them . When she was 11 , I thought that type of thing was cute . Now , though , knowing she was under the influence of something that was poisoning not only her , but the baby as well , it was far less adorable . I walked up to her and asked if I could take her coat and if she 'd like some tea and chocolate cake . She didn 't reply . She just kept talking to the kangaroos . I sighed and sat down on the couch , waiting for her to either snap out of it and talk to me or leave and hopefully go home to her mom . Madison went down the line of the kangaroo toys on the mantle , saying " I love you " to each one . Then she walked back , doing the same thing in reverse order . Then she faced me . " I love you too , Michael , " she cooed , a thin smile cracking her pale face . " But you know what ? I love Roo most of all ! " Madison dropped her heavy coat to the floor and I screamed . A gaping wound had been carved across the top of her belly . The blue head and chest and right arm of her baby stuck out from the opening . " Look at little Roo , " she said weakly . " Such a good little Roo . " Madison tried to hop toward me , mimicking a kangaroo . The limp head and arm of the child flopped back and forth with the movement . Posted on September 9 , 2016 by UnsettlingStories 5 When I was four , I killed my first ant . It didn 't have a name . Of that , I was absolutely certain . My own name isn 't important to you right now , although it 's likely you 'll learn some version of it soon . I think you 'll end up learning a lot about me in the coming days ; some will be true , most will be false . There is a crucial element that will be missed , simply because it 's unknowable to anyone else . Anyone but me . But I 'm going to share it with you . At the age of 19 , as a soldier , I killed my first person . He had a name . Of that , too , I was absolutely certain . And he changed me . My act of violence led me to learn who he was and what he meant to others . And , at the same time , I learned something essential about myself . Something I was unprepared for . I recoiled in profound , uncomprehending terror . Today , I work in a hospice . No one there knows what I 've done . No one there knows who I really am . They think I 'm there to work , which is technically true . But I have more tasks than those given to me by supervisors . One particular task - one I 've prepared for and dreamed about - is to be done today . Today is when I learn whether or not I 'm going to die . Today is my 522nd birthday . Believe it , don 't believe it ; it doesn 't matter to me . When I killed my first person the age of 19 , I did more than take his life . I assumed parts of him . He was a left - handed blacksmith 's apprentice named Pierre Gaultier . The moment he breathed his final breath , my left hand lost its sinister clumsiness . I instantaneously understood the basics of metalworking . And I learned his name . I felt his name . It was as familiar to me as my own . It was the most horrifying moment of my life . The most disorienting . And that night , using my newly dextrous left hand , I tried to cut my own throat . The blade passed over my skin as if it were iron . I later hanged myself from a beam in an abandoned abbey , only to dangle uselessly for three days before I was found and cut down by a local derelict . I begged him to help me take my life , but I didn 't have enough money to make it worth his while . When I killed him in a rage of frightened and confused desperation , I absorbed his alcoholism . The following centuries were a haze of blood and drink . I 've absorbed countless talents . Countless traits . Countless vices . But the names - the names aren 't countless . There are 7 , 339 names inside me now . 7 , 339 clusters of memories to haunt me . This all leads to today . For 500 years , I 've stayed under the radar . I 've hidden in the shadows and killed and killed and killed , hoping to absorb any knowledge someone might have of another man like me . Another man who shares my curse . But I 'm unique . No one is like me . Every open throat and subsequent transfer of name and ability has yielded nothing useful . Nothing useful , that is , until last month . He was a man called Gustav Brennerson and along with his name , he transferred to me his influenza . It was the first time I 've ever been sick . The hospice here has 44 beds . 41 are filled . 41 opportunities . I dream of names and cancer every night while I 'm taunted by the false death of sleep . Tonight , wherever it is I lay my head as it seethes with 41 new names , I pray it seethes with something new . Something malignant . Something terminal . Something that will end these centuries of hideous wandering . I dream of being eaten alive . Posted on September 1 , 2016 by UnsettlingStories Reply Growing up , whenever my brother would get hurt , I 'd blame it on my fairy friends . My parents never believed me and I 'd get punished . It didn 't help that my brother said I was the one who pushed him or punched him or scratched him . No matter how much I protested , at the end of it all , I was the one who got in trouble . So , at a young age , I learned I was the only one who could see the fairies . For some time , it was a mixed blessing . Having friends only I could see meant there wasn 't anyone who could tell them to leave me alone or that they had to go home because I needed to go to bed . It was nice to never feel lonely . The issue , unfortunately , was that the fairies were mischievous . They 'd rarely listen when I told them to stop doing something . They would just laugh and flit about and continue with their fun . Most of the time it was harmless , albeit obnoxious . They 'd flutter their little wings under someone 's nose and make them sneeze or they 'd knock someone 's elbow against a glass and spill their drink all over the table . That kind of thing . On occasion , however , their activities were more serious - especially when it came to my older brother . The fairies didn 't like how Todd would talk to me . I didn 't think much of it ; I was the younger sister and he was my bratty teenage brother . I just thought that 's how the world worked . The fairies begged to differ . And they wanted to make it known . That 's why they 'd scratch and hit him . It went on for years as his treatment of me got worse and worse . On a Saturday morning when I was in bed being lazy and listening to the rain fall outside , I heard a muffled scream from Todd 's room on the other side of the wall . The scream was followed by retching and gagging and Todd streaked past my doorway and into the bathroom where he vomited loudly and often . My parents noticed the commotion and came to his aid . Mom 's shout was loud enough to cut through the sound of Todd 's puking and Dad swore . That scared me . He never did that . I stood in the doorway while the fairies giggled and floated in an iridescent orbit around my head . I knew whatever they 'd done to my brother had to be worse than things they 'd done in the past . My father father stormed from the bathroom and entered Todd 's room . He came back a second later with his fist full of something . He stood in front of me , eyes glazed with rage and disgust . I shrieked with surprise and disgust when I saw what he held . It was the body of a small bird , a sparrow , maybe , that was cut up and bleeding . Dislodged feathers stuck to the blood and greasy white discharge oozing from its truncated rear half . " Do you have any idea how sick your brother can get from this ? , " Dad asked . Behind his rage was a tone of deep concern and even fear . His fear only amplified my own . " Stay here , " Dad ordered . " But … , " I tried to interject , but he grabbed my shoulder hard with his free hand and held me against the doorframe . The din of giggles stopped . I heard them whispering amongst themselves . " You are not to say another word . You are not to leave this room . I am taking your brother to the doctor , and if your mother tells me you 've said anything or set foot outside , I promise you will regret it . " Dad turned the corner to head downstairs and I saw what was coming but was too afraid to speak up . As he started down , I saw the fairies hurl themselves against the bottom of his foot before it had made contact with the first step . His foot landed awkwardly and his ankle twisted , sending him face first onto the uncarpeted wooden steps . The sound of his face impacting with the stairs seemed louder than anything I 'd ever heard . Mom called from the bathroom where she was still attending to Todd . Dad didn 't answer . I peeked around the corner . He was on his belly at the bottom of the stairs . He was moaning and weakly flailing his arms against the hardwood . His legs were still on the steps , but they didn 't move at all . Mom came out and down the hall , glaring at me before turning the corner and seeing her husband . She gasped and rushed to his aid . Not wanting to make them any angrier than they already were , I turned back into my room . I winced when I put pressure on my right ankle and limped back to bed , where I sat and stared at the fairies . They were laughing again . They flew like a shimmering , animated constellation around the room , weaving in and out of closets and drawers and galoshes . My ankle throbbed . The fairies formed a line in the air and held the formation for a moment , then they made a beeline for the dusty corner behind my dresser . They burst into peals of uproarious laughter and blinked out of view . As the faint sound of sirens in the distance entered my ears , I gingerly walked to where the fairies had gone . I noticed a tiny feather . And then another . And another . When I reached the dresser and peered behind it , there was a clump of feathers and some blood right next to a small knife from our kitchen . I felt a pang of confused , disconnected recognition , but was shocked back to my senses by a fresh wave of pain from my foot and ankle . I sat on the floor with my back against the dresser . I pulled up the leg of my pajama pants and examined my ankle . It was swollen and red . The top of my foot hurt , too , and I drew my knee to my chest so I could get a closer look . Again , I felt confused and out of place . The sirens were loud and close but I wasn 't paying attention to them anymore . I looked around for my fairy friends , but they were nowhere to be seen . For the first time , when I desperately needed to ask them a question , they were gone . My confusion grew teeth and fear pricked the skin of my back and neck . My ankle hurt , but that wasn 't what was scaring me . It was my foot . Because even though I watched the fairies trip my dad , for some reason , the imprint of his work boot was etched in the skin of my foot - and my heel was stippled with tiny handprints . When I was little , Mom used to hold me and say stuff like , " Oh Katie , you fit so perfectly on my lap ! You 're so teeny - tiny ! " I loved it . She 'd keep me warm and hug me and I felt so great . I 'd always go to Mom if I felt sad or scared and she 'd just scoop me up , saying " what 's wrong , my teeny - tiny girl ? " and I 'd tell her what was making me upset and she 'd always always always make it all better . The most vivid memory I have was the day I turned 10 . It wasn 't of my party , which I vaguely remember being great , it wasn 't the presents , some of which I still have , but it was when Mom had me in her lap that night and had tears in her eyes and said to Dad , " Katie 's getting to be a big girl , huh ? " I don 't remember what my dad said , but there was no denying it : I wasn 't her teeny - tiny girl anymore . At 10 years old , I was about 4 ' 10 " , maybe 100 pounds . I was growing fast . Both my parents are tall . I remember being scared . The scale kept going up , and by the time I was 11 I was 5 ' 2 " , 120 pounds and I started getting boobs . At that point , when I was sad , mom would hug me tight and say the right things , but it all felt different . She never cradled me . She never had me in her lap . I felt cold and lonely even though I was never really cold or lonely . I just wanted to be closer to her like I was when I was little . So I decided to get little again . Mom started to notice when I pushed around my food on the plate , trying to pile it up on one side to make it look like I ate more than I really did . " You 're a growing girl , " she said , kindly but firmly . " You need to eat . " I couldn 't leave the table until I was done . That night after dinner , I remember lying on my back on the bed , staring at the ceiling and feeling the food in my stomach . Mom 's words " you 're a growing girl " echoed in my mind and I felt so sick that I ran into the bathroom and threw up . I was really glad I had my own bathroom so they couldn 't hear me puking . After I was done , I felt so much better . Lighter and smaller , even . Mom was so happy to see me eating normally again . She worried aloud that I might be getting the flu , so seeing me chowing down like my old self pushed those worries right out of her head . What she didn 't see was how I went to bed afterward and while the bathwater ran I was throwing it all up . I did this every day for years . One of the sad truths about throwing up your meals is you don 't lose all that much weight . I actually gained more . Sure , I 'd get rid of what I 'd eaten , but probably twice a week I 'd be lying in bed , wide awake , fingering my collar bones , hip bones , and ribs , and obsessing over food . Something inside me would snap , and I 'd run to the fridge or the cabinets and eat until I felt like I was bursting . Then , exhausted , I 'd go back upstairs and pass out on my bed . Calorie - for - calorie , after those twice - weekly binges I was eating more than I would if I was healthy . Except I really , really wasn 't healthy . And nobody knew . All this built up to the last few months after I graduated high school . I was 5 ' 11 , 175 pounds . 17 years old . There was absolutely nothing I hated more than my body . I was constantly lonely and wanted to try to take my mind off it all . I decided to get a job . When I told Mom I found a position at a place that recycles old medical gear , she was really proud of me for taking the initiative . It was bittersweet ; I knew she was starting to see me as an adult . Not her teeny - tiny girl . I felt like a complete and utter failure . The recycling place where I worked dismantled big machines that hospitals used and sold the parts . I was the receptionist . I took phone calls and helped set up deliveries . The people I worked with were really nice and after a few weeks they gave me a key so I could get there early and have coffee ready and work orders printed out . One night , after everyone left , I went back there and let myself in . I still feel bad about breaking their trust . A couple days earlier my coworkers were bringing in an old machine . They all were wearing heavy gloves and had on breathing gear like scuba divers . When they were done , I asked what it was . Apparently it was something hospitals use to give radiation therapy to cancer patients . I didn 't know too much about that , so when I got home I went on Wikipedia and did a lot of research and then I got my idea . When I let myself in that night , the place was empty . I made a beeline for where they had that radiation therapy machine and I investigated it . Most of it was completely dismantled . What I was looking for was conveniently labeled and brightly marked in a massive lead container . It took me a while to get the cover off . Lead 's so heavy ! But after I did , I saw a round metal part that looked like a wheel . I picked it up , rotated the mechanism , and it opened a little window in the front . A faint blue light was inside . I held it up to my eye and looked in . Nothing but that light . I thought it was probably what I was looking for . I brought the object home with me and locked the door of my bedroom . I worked to pry the thing open with a screwdriver but it seemed locked from the inside . Eventually I got frustrated and I turned the wheel again to open the window and pushed my screwdriver into the blue stuff and tried scooping it out . It turned out to be pretty soft . A lot of it broke as I poked it with the screwdriver , and when I turned the wheel upside down , the pieces tumbled out onto my desk . Now I could see how pretty it was . It was like chunks of glowing blue clay and sand . I gathered it up as best I could and put it away , save for the little bit I was going to use tonight . One of the things I 'd read about radiation therapy was that it made the poor people with cancer really skinny . They just totally lost their appetites . I couldn 't believe it was true . I 'd always had such a big appetite . I kept telling myself I need to be really careful when I take this stuff because if I get too much of the radiation I could get cancer myself . I took a pinch of the blue clay , put it in my mouth , and swallowed it with a gulp of water . It felt warm going down even though the water was cold . Since I 'd gotten home from the recycling place I 'd been pretty warm , in fact . Cozy . Like a little puppy under a blanket . That night I woke up sweating worse than I 'd ever sweated in my life . The bed was totally soaked . Gross . Water weight wasn 't really what I wanted to lose , but it was better than nothing . I took a shower and changed the sheets and went back to bed . My stomach ached a little . When I woke up the next morning , my stomach hurt and I threw up a couple times . But , I wasn 't even remotely hungry . That alone made the pain in my tummy pretty much go away . I didn 't need to eat ! Mom asked if I was bringing leftovers to work from last night 's dinner and I lied and said we were going to get a pizza . I hate lying to Mom , but I didn 't want her to worry . There was no need to tell her I wasn 't hungry . At work , they 'd finished disassembling the machine and started sending it out to wherever they send those things . I 'd been really careful to put the canister back exactly as I left it . No one checked to see if the little wheel was still there . The next few days were uneventful , aside from my stomach ache getting worse and having to puke once or twice . I 'd barely eaten anything since I started taking the radiation medicine . Whenever I got woozy from lack of food I ate an apple or a fat - free yogurt and I was fine . I was still sweating a lot . When I got on the scale , it said 168 . After a week of eating nearly nothing and faithfully taking my radiation medicine nightly , my stomach ache got really , really bad . I 'd stopped throwing up , but this time it felt like I needed to go to the bathroom . I went , and it was awful . There was so much - I was shocked . I 'd apparently eaten and kept down more than I thought . I got on the scale after , though , and that helped me feel a lot better . 161 . Over the next couple days , one or two people told me how pretty I looked . They asked me if I lost weight and I said yeah , maybe a few pounds . I beamed . Over my whole adolescence I 'd done nothing but get bigger . Now , finally , I was shrinking and on the way to teeny - tiny . I didn 't feel too great , though . My tummy was constantly having me run to the bathroom and it still hurt afterwards . I figured I was getting rid of all the extra fat . 158 . I was in the shower about 10 days after I started taking the medicine and I was horrified to see some of my hair coming out . That was bad . Really , really , really bad . I stopped washing it immediately and let just the water rinse away the remainder of the shampoo . I got out of the shower and took like an hour blow drying my hair because I was too scared to use a towel that might pull more out . When the mirror was unfogged and my hair was dry , I checked to see how noticeable it was . There was a good - sized patch of bare , red scalp about 2 " wide above my left ear . I pushed the hair around it to cover the patch . Some more fell out . It had to be a nutritional deficiency from all the meals I 'd been missing . I put on my Titans hat and got dressed . When I brushed my teeth I noticed a little blood in the sink . I made a note to get some multivitamins after work . I didn 't shower the next day because when I woke up that morning , there was more hair on my pillow . My scalp was getting pretty visible . It looked prickly and raw but it didn 't hurt . Since I was off work I stayed at home and looked online for all the nutritional deficiencies that might cause my hair to fall out and my gums to bleed . Most of the ones were covered by my multivitamin , so I tripled the amount I took just to be on the safe side . I had to go to the bathroom five times during the 15 hours I was awake . By the last time I was incredibly light - headed and so thirsty . I weighed myself before I started downing water and my radiation medicine . 150 . The medicine helped me lose 25 pounds in less than two weeks . Mom hugged me the next morning before I went to work . She ran her hands up and down my back and she made a remark about how skinny I 'd gotten . Then , she said it : " remember when I used to call you my teeny - tiny girl ? I miss those days but I love you just as much as a grown up . " Then she let me go . Pain , nausea , and despair washed over me . Without warning , my lightheadedness came back with a vengeance and I stumbled and fell on the kitchen floor . My hat fell off . With my head spinning , I vaguely remember Mom gasping , " Katie what happened to your hair ? ! " before I violently threw up on the floor and myself . It was all blood . I passed out to the sound of Mom screaming . Today , I can 't move or talk and I 'm writing this using a cool keyboard that can pick out letters using the movements of my remaining eye . Like I said in the beginning , I 'll be dead soon . I 'm not too fun to look at anymore . My hair 's gone . And my lower jaw . And my skin . The nice doctors are giving me medication that helps me manage the pain and keep me alert . They asked if they could do tests and experiments on me to help understand what ingestion of the radiation medicine does to the human body . Apparently there was a Japanese man a few years ago named Hiroshi Ouchi who got a similar level of exposure and the same stuff happened to him . They said it would help other people in the future if they could compare our two cases . Of course I let them . I can 't eat food anymore . My esophagus got cooked away . Same with my stomach . The doctors are keeping me hydrated with a tube in my butt . I don 't really like to think about it . I guess all the excitement I get as I wait here is when they weigh me every six hours to see if I 'm able to retain the fluids they give me or if it all seeps out into the sheets . They hoist me onto a pad and a little machine voice says a number . This morning it said 72 . The next time it was 69 . Mom and Dad have to wear those scuba suits when they come visit . Mom 's always crying because she 's not allowed to touch me . Dad just stares . Right before I started writing this , Mom bent down and started whispering to me some of the stuff I remember her saying when I was small . I closed my eye and imagined being warm and safe on her lap . " I love you , my teeny - tiny girl , " she sobbed . I would have smiled if I had a mouth .

And that 's it . It was a reckless exercise in fiction . A sprinted marathon . But there it is in all its flawed glory . Typos . Plot holes . Character issues . And maybe a few words that are actually quite good . Did you follow along ? Are you still back in chapter 7 wondering what the hell is going on with these people and when I 'm going to find a story ? Finish ! It 's short ! Did I lose you ? Where and why ? I 'd love to hear from anyone who read it , even if it 's years after I posted this . I 'll get an email letting me know you commented . Please do ! " You 'd better not leave us here all day like the last time , you wankers ! " Juliette shouted . She just wanted to be by Petros 's side . He looked incredibly pale before they carried him away . With Mozer dead , she worried about his position with the police . He had planned to testify against Mozer in order to get out of a harsh sentence for his history of petty crimes in the city . But now , she wasn 't certain at all what would happen . Several minutes later , the door opened and the chief 's wife walked in with a basket of sandwiches and cups for soup . She stopped when she saw the girls . " You again ? " " It 's not us ! It 's the men . They can 't seem to go a day without having some officer or another after them . " The chief 's wife looked at them , alarmed . " What happened ? " " It 's a long story , but the short version is that they were both shot . " The chief 's wife nodded and smiled . Juliette snorted . The soup and sandwiches were delicious , as always , and over the course of the next hour , they told the chief 's wife everything that had happened to them since last she saw them . She refilled their soup and handed out extra halves of sandwiches until the plates stopped emptying . It felt good to talk about what had happened , and Gwynne let out some of the things she had been holding in the whole trip . The chief 's wife listened attentively and nodded occasionally . Juliette added her perspective occasionally , until they 'd run out of words and a silence filled the space where the future would be . The chief 's wife stood and wiped her hands on the front of her pants . " Well , that 's quite a story . And don 't you worry . Your secrets are safe with me . I 'm not taking official statements . Save those for the detective . I hope your friends recover quickly and everything works out for you all . " " Thank you . For everything , " Gwynne said , rising to hug the woman . She left the room , and the two women settled in to wait for however long it took them . Two minutes later , the door opened and the detective entered . " I 'm detective Panter , " he said in perfect English . " I understand you ladies have a story for me . He placed a recording device on the table before asking them for their statements . They told the story again , this time just the facts . He took notes in addition to the recorder . When they were done , he stood and thanked them . " Do either of you have any questions about the process ? " The detective looked back , unmoved . " He will get what is due to him , but that isn 't for me to decide . The trial will be held whenever he is fit enough to get out of the hospital . After that , he 's at the mercy of the court . " Juliette continued . " My apartment was given up when we were going to leave . Petros 's apartment is a crime scene . All of my stuff is in a storage unit that only Le Ours knows about . The papers probably burnt up in the fire that left us without even a safe house to stay at . " The prospective didn 't sound appealing to either of them , but it beat living on the streets . He had an officer take them there . They rode in silence the whole way , decompressing after the tension of the last few days . Gwynne couldn 't believe it was all over . Although , it wasn 't really over ; they couldn 't leave the country yet because of the court process . Juliette just wanted to get back to her apartment . She wondered if anyone had rented it yet . The government home was a large , squat set of buildings on a well - maintained plot of land . They weren 't particularly remarkable in any architectural sense , just short flat rectangles with low - pitched roofs and front doors that contained no windows , just a peep hole . After filling out paperwork and getting the blessing of the police officer , Juliette and Gwynne were put up in an olive building near the back of the plot . Each home had a kitchen and bathroom , two bedrooms , and a small area designated as a living room . The furnishings were sparse and cheap looking , but they were glad to have a space all their own . The police officer said he would look into her storage unit for Juliette . He couldn 't guarantee they would find anything , but he expected one of the boys might know something about Le Ours 's backup records , if he kept any . Juliette made him promise to find Adam and Petros and let them know where the girls were . The seventeen now homeless boys were put up in the two homes next to Juliette and Gwynne 's . They got an extra bedroom in each of theirs and bunk beds . It was a tight squeeze , but they were used to living together and they would help each other cope with the loss of their benefactor . The girls enjoyed having familiar faces around , although they might not admit to it . Later that day Juliette called her landlord from the office phone to see about her old apartment . It had been rented almost immediately after she left by an older American couple looking for a reasonable place to live during retirement . She hung up the phone after her landlord wished her luck . Gwynne ran a hand over her bullet hole . It was healing nicely , but it still itched occasionally . Juliette continued , " And that apartment belonged to a now dead bear . I 'm sure he willed it to his boys or something . " Gwynne sat next to Juliette on the couch . The weight of the day caught up to her and she was suddenly feeling exhausted . " Maybe the boys will have some suggestions when they get out . " Adam was released later that day from the hospital , his shoulder patched and stitched , his good arm in a sling . He went to find Petros , who was still in surgery , a desk clerk told him . He waited in the small sitting area outside the operating room . After a few minutes of French television chatter , he dozed . When he awoke , everything looked the same . He got up to ask after Petros . The orderly gave him the room number . It seemed he had slept through the rest of the surgery . He followed the instructions to the elevators . Without a good arm , pushing the buttons was a trial . Finally , he used his nub to press the call button . When the doors opened , he tried for his floor , floor four , and got two others . He rode the elevator to three . The doors opened and closed with no one getting on . At four , he passed a woman in a green wool peacoat getting on . He held up his stump and said , " I 'm sorry . I pressed more than one floor . " They looked at him with a blank face . He 'd forgotten again that not everyone spoke English . He shrugged as the doors closed and turned to find Petros 's room . Petros was sleeping off his anesthesia . Adam took a seat next to his bed and waited . He wondered what the girls were doing , if they 'd been seen by the police yet . The thought of going home filled him with exhaustion and relief . He missed being able to communicate freely . He missed having responsibilities . Most of all , he missed belonging somewhere . As it stood now , he was homeless . They all were . He imagined Petros had a home in a cell when they were done here . But he and Gwynne and Juliet ? Their future was uncertain . Adam dozed in his chair , wishing for a hot bath and a warm bed . The door opened and he awoke with a start . " I 'm sorry . I didn 't meant to frighten you . " It was a police officer . " No . It 's okay . I 'm just … " he trailed off . He hadn 't seen them since they shut the doors of the ambulance on him . He was glad to know they were taken care of . " Would you like to go to them now ? " the officer asked in broken English . The officer nodded his head , bid Adam adieu , and left . Adam watched the sun track across the sky , lengthening the shadows in his room . Back home it would be late morning . He would be hungry , as he was now . " Hold tight , Petros . I 'll be back . " It made him feel better to say it , even if Petros wasn 't conscious . The nurse at the station was staring at the television in the corner . " Excuse me , " Adam said . " If he wakes up , could you page me ? " He left his name and got directions to the cafeteria . There wasn 't much on offer that he recognized by name on the menu board . He pointed to a sandwich in the cold case , got coffee at the vending machine , and sat in the quiet cafeteria munching his sandwich and feeling glad to be alive . It was a quiet happiness that burned in his chest . Something born of wandering and waiting and enjoying a quiet meal by himself . When he started this journey , he pictured local foods and small cafes . He thought of sitting on a silk pillow around a short table , tasting something he couldn 't pronounce . Somehow , this cold sandwich and bad coffee was just as good . When the food was gone , he wandered around the ground floor , stretching his legs . He wasn 't in a hurry to go back up to the room just to watch Petros sleep . After two rounds , he decided it was time to check on his friend . He took the elevator back up , this time hitting the button he needed on the dot . When he got back to the room , Petros was awake . He turned to look at Adam coming in . " Hey . " " I did . But … he loved enough for all of us . He didn 't need it . He was full of so much love that you couldn 't help but feel that way . I know it seems weird , a big fat old man in a house full of pretty young boys . But he was more than a lecherous opportunist . He really did care for each and every one of us . He took care of us . He got us jobs . Found us homes . He was our family . Which makes all of that sound very wrong , but it 's true . I loved him like a father … " Petros paused . Adam waited . They sat in silence for a while , watching the French television and glancing at people passing by the doorway . It had been only two months and some change since Adam met Petros in that crowded roundabout under the Arc de Triomphe , yet they had been through so much together . Adam felt like he finally had a close friend , someone he was able to be open and honest with . And honestly , he didn 't want to lose that . The matter was dropped in favor of silence . Later that night , he phoned a taxi service and had them take him to the government home the officer had directed him to . It was an exhausted reunion . Juliette gave him a big hug and went to bed , saying she would get up early and go see Petros in the morning . Gwynne sat with him on the sofa , telling him about the boys next door and how they 're all settling in , about what had happened after he was taken away in the ambulance , and about how she and Juliette talked about going back to America together . " I talked to Petros about that same thing . Of course , he might have longer to wait before he 's free to travel . " Adam hadn 't considered that . He settled into the sofa and leaned against Gwynne . She threw and arm around him and squeezed , careful not to touch his bandaged and sling - bound arm . They sat that way for a while , watching the lights pass by their complex on a nearby road , thinking of home , despite the fact that it didn 't really exist at the moment . Two weeks passed , and Petros was kept at the hospital , healing . He whined about getting out of there every time they went to see him , but the nurses wouldn 't clear him until they were sure he would be free from infection and able to support himself with his reconstructed core . It was much different than the fast - food service version of hospital care in America , and Adam was glad he 'd received his care here , instead . In the first week of Petros 's convalescence , Juliette received a letter in the mail from a storage company , informing her about payment options and finally cluing her in to where her belongings were held . The home had everything she could need , so she didn 't retrieve any of her stuff from the locker . A second sheet in the envelope informed her that her bill was paid through the rest of the year . She silently thanked Papa Bear . Three days into Petros 's third week in the hospital , the nurse came to his room and checked his bandages . She cleared him to leave with no ceremony . He dressed in an outfit Adam had brought him and stood next to his bed , staring at the doorway like he couldn 't believe he was free . No officer stopped him on his way out . There weren 't police cars waiting for him at the door . Nothing hindered him from getting in a taxi with Adam and cutting across the city to the government housing . At every stoplight he expected lights and sirens to bloom behind him . Every car was a potential police car . It was torture . " You did . It was a real production . It seemed like everyone in the city turned out for it . That man really had some sway in this town . " Petros didn 't want to talk about Mozer . It was enough that he was gone . He didn 't deserve to be eulogized by anyone , friend or foe . " I still can 't believe they let me leave the hospital . " " That 's ridiculous . The justice system doesn 't work that way . When the police hear that I 'm out , they 'll be here in minutes . They 're probably already on their way . " They spent a nervous day at the home . Every siren was coming their way . Every car outside was his last ride as a free man . Darkness drew its blanket over the city of lights , and Petros was still free . He knew something had happened while he was in that hospital , but he couldn 't figure out what it was . Papa Bear was dead . Could his influence have been so strong that it reached beyond the grave ? Surely not . In the morning , after a night of light sleep , Petros was still a free man . They made plans , had lunch as a group , and in that simple act , cemented their future together . That night , an officer arrived at their door . Petros answered it , almost relieved that the hammer of justice was finally coming down . The officer didn 't berate him , didn 't tackle and shackle him , didn 't even mention what he had done in a time that seemed like years ago . He just handed Petros a letter and drove away . Petros could hardly believe it . He staggered back inside and collapsed onto the couch . " What is it , Pet ? " Juliette said , sitting next to him . Petros tore the end of the envelope off and eased the letter out . It was a legal statement , typed on elaborate letterhead , on paper of such high quality that he felt bad it ever got folded . He scanned the words , not believing exactly what was in front of him . Papa Bear , whose name he learned in the letter , finally , had left him something in the will . He read the letter three more times before it sunk in . " What 's it say Pet ? " He handed it to Juliette , and a second sheet of paper fell away from the first . It was a handwritten letter in Papa Bear 's own handwriting . Dear Petros , Do not mourn for me , for my life is a life well - lived . Instead , take this and use it in a way that honors the love that we shared . You have said since I met you that Paris was the most beautiful place you have ever lived , but I can tell that you do not want to stay forever . Trust me when I say that I know this city . It is nothing compared to any other place . Consider this your ticket to a life lived elsewhere . I love you still , and I always have . P . S . When you get there , do me the favor of getting a real , honest job . A life of crime is fine for an adolescent , but do not dally there . The world doesn 't need another Jackal . Especially not after the considerable expense I endured securing your amnesty . " Look ! " She shove the legal note under Gwynne 's face . " That 's … that 's a lot of zeroes , " she said , counting them . Adam 's eyes widened . " Whoa . I wish that he were alive so I could kiss him ! " " Not like THAT ! I 'm off the hook ! No police . No jail . I don 't know how he did it , but he cleared me ! " He jumped to his feet and looked for someone to hug . They all obliged him , whooping and hollering like outcasts rescued from a deserted island . After everything they 'd been through , one of them was being richly rewarded . Petros sobered . " Guys . " " There 's more than enough room . You guys don 't even know ! I have to go tell them ! " He ran out the door , whooping like an idiot into the night . Adam walked from his office to the apartment . It was the first perfect day of spring . The sun warmed the new grass and leaves chattered in the breeze . He took the stairs , holding the rail with his good hand . He still wasn 't used to the prosthetic on his left , but with time , the doctors told him , it would be like second nature . He waved at the boys on the first floor as he passed them . They had mostly settled in to their life in the city . Some of them had even gotten jobs , although Papa Bear had left them each enough money to never have to work . It wasn 't easy for them initially , especially the ones who didn 't know English . But after a few months , they were settling in to a comfortable routine . Several had stayed back in Paris , not quite ready to start a new life away from everything they knew . Adam was glad for the company of the ones who stayed . They were like family now , and Petros was making sure to take care of them in any way he could . Without the threat of imminent death over his head , Petros had discovered he was actually quite a good painter . The city made a lovely model for him , and his gallery show was coming up soon . Granted , it was just some artwork hanging in a local restaurant for a few weeks , but he considered it sort of a retribution for ridding the world of beautiful things just to collect a paycheck . Gwynne was writing when he got home . She wrote a lot nowadays . All the sights and sounds and experiences she had in Paris had to go somewhere when she got home . She 'd started a blog after her own journal didn 't seem to do the trick . With the money Petros had given them , she could afford to live for a while without a career . She even talked about selling her experiences as a book some day . Juliette had taken longer than them to settle in . She still pouted about how Chicago could never rival the beauty of Paris , and she was right . But she tried to acclimate herself to life in another city with a personality just as big as the one she left . She was teaching French at a private elementary schoOUT She stirred . " Huh ? " A string of drool had dripped from her mouth onto her plaid , button front shirt . " Hey , you 're awake . Listen , I 'm going back to the hospital to see what I can learn about Petros . " Adam stirred . They both stopped talking to look at him . He opened his eyes and sat up . Gwynne waited for a reaction . He yawned and looked at them . Juliette clapped . " Oh , you 're back ! " She had to stop herself from rushing him . She 'd worried most of the night that they wouldn 't ever get him to return to himself . " Petros ! Where is Petros ? " Adam 's eyes slipped back toward crazy . Gwynne took his hand . " We 're not sure , exactly . Juliette says he 's in the hospital , but we haven 't actually gotten to see him yet . Speaking of the hospital , I was told that 's where you were . What happened ? " Adam thought about the last twelve hours . It all seemed like some horrible dream . He remembered Mozer 's slimy touch after endless blows . He thought about the faces , agape with horror , that he 'd seen in the streets . He remembered searching for Petros . And sirens . He was 't ready to talk about any of it yet . " I don 't know . It 's all pretty hazy still . " She left the doorway . Gwynne leaned next to Adam and kissed his cheek . He just stared . " Adam , I know something happened to you back there , and when you 're ready to talk about it , I 'll be ready to hear it . " His secret was a bird in his chest , fluttering against the ribs of its cage . Juliette returned before long . " I found some things . I 'm going to run a bath for you , Adam . It 'll do you some good to have a soak . " He nodded . If nothing else , it would give him some solitude . " I 'll get the cuts on your back . They probably need to be cleaned . " When the bath was full , Adam wanted nothing more than to tell Gwynne to stay out . Instead , he gritted his teeth and let her soap the lacerations across the otherwise smooth skin of his back . It stung , but the stinging feeling grounded him , made him feel real again . She sat by the tub as he washed himself . He wished she would leave . She told him about Juliette 's schemes , about the police officer who had told her about Adam 's head injury . She mentioned Petros 's arm hanging from the stretcher . Adam looked at her , " He was covered with a sheet ? " He looked at his stump . He scanned the bruises on his legs . Anything to not have to look at her . He knew he was going to lose it . He didn 't want to cry . Not again . Not now . Not in front of her . She got up . " We 'll wait for you . " Adam just nodded . When the door closed behind her , he sank into the tub , letting the pulsing sound of his heart in the water fill his ears . When he couldn 't hold his breath any longer , he let it all out and surfaced . He wanted to stay under forever . There was a solitude in being underwater that couldn 't be matched above . He hadn 't lied to Gwynne , at least not entirely . The events of the last day were still hazy . There were holes in his memory he couldn 't account for . He didn 't try too hard to fill them , though . The less he remembered about his time with Mozer , the better . Adam soaped himself again , scrubbing until his skin was pink . He would never be rid of the feeling of Mozer 's touch , the intensity of being violated so deeply and not being able to do a thing about it . God , he hoped he hadn 't caught anything from the old man . How many people had he done that to ? Maybe he 'd get tested while he was at the hospital . That seemed a million miles away . It hurt to move . He sank under the water one more time , just to let his brain stop for a moment . He counted the pulses to twenty and came back up . His seams were still bursting with all that had happened . Some day he would get them sewn up . Maybe some day he would feel normal again . For the first time since leaving home , he longed for routine . How simple it was just to go to work and come home . Not surrounded by people who didn 't speak his language . Not in a city that he didn 't know his way around . Just his own post at his own employer that he got to by way of his own car driving on the streets of his own town . Why had he ever left ? His depression seemed so juvenile in comparison to the black knot somewhere below his heart . And he had wished for it . He had brought all of this upon himself . He had taken the initiative to make the trip a reality . How had this all happened ? It seemed a truly bizarre web of events . If he hadn 't taken that camel . If he hadn 't been in the same place as Petros . If the dart had landed anywhere else on that map . All of thThey just stared at him . He felt exposed . " What ? " Adam started to think out loud . " What about Papa Bear ? Wouldn 't he probably have an in at the hospital ? He knows doctors . He should have some information . " " When Mozer disappeared , we went back to the safe house , but it was completely engulfed in flames . Mozer set it on fire . Or so we were told . " " Yeah , " Gwynne said , getting up and approaching Adam . He backed away from her . " Oh . God . I might be sick . " He rushed to the bathroom and dry heaved . His stomach ached from the bruises , and his insides once again felt enflamed . " Well , he 's right about that . If we hadn 't come , everything would still be the way it was . Except Petros would probably be in jail instead of … " he looked at Juliette and stopped . He didn 't want to dwell on what might be the case . " Okay . So then we go to the hospital . They haven 't met me yet . Maybe I can say I 'm Petros 's brother … or something . " It wasn 't much of a plan , but they weren 't going to accomplish anything by standing around talking about it . Juliette stood and went to the front door , which she 'd picked up and propped across the entrance as best as she could before she 'd gone to bed the night before . She moved it to the side and let everyone through before propping it back up from outside . It wasn 't perfect , but it wasn 't an open invitation to come squat , either . They took a taxi again . Thankfully , it wasn 't the same driver as either time before . The less they were recognized , the less chance they had of being turned in by one of Mozer 's goons . Adam couldn 't believe his captor was still out there . Had he known that , he would have gladly stayed in the tub all day . But he couldn 't just let his friend lay in the hospital . Or … morgue . They had to have closure about Petros , at least . The rest could go to hell , as long as he could get away from the city and back to streets whose names he could pronounce . The cab let them out at the hospital , and they hurried inside . At the front desk , Adam asked about their friend . The woman at the desk looked at her computer screen . She said something in French , and Juliette pushed her way to the front . She started in on the lady , who was clearly embarrassed . Adam wondered what she had said . Clearly she hadn 't expected a French speaker to be in the group . She adopted an apologetic tone , and Juliette said Petros 's name . Adam just stood back and let Juliette do the talking . The woman picked up her phone and Juliette turned . " What a bitch . She had the gall to call you an arrogant American , and then she denies it to my face . I just threatened to speak with someone in management and customer service , and I told her that I have a background in medical transcription and phone service and that I could replace her in a heartbeat . " Adam was relieved . If anyone might know where Mozer had gone off to , it would be Petros . An orderly showed them to the elevators and rode to his floor . It was a silent , awkward elevator ride . Everyone was so happy they were giddy , but no one wanted to talk about it in the elevator . The doors opened on a light green hallway . The orderly took them down several hallways and past a nurses station where a man in a coat , scarf , and hat was talking angrily to the nurses on duty . Petros 's room was just beyond the nurse 's station . The orderly opened the door and let them inside , then took his leave . Juliette was the first to enter . She shrieked , " Pet ! Oh , God . You 're alive ! We saw you carried out on a stretcher and I thought maybe you were … " Petros lay in a simple hospital bed in a pale blue shirt . An IV was stuck in his arm , dripping a clear liquid through the hose and into his body . He smiled weakly at them . " Hey , guys . You made it . " " What happened to you ? " Juliette asked . Petros lifted the shirt . His abdomen was criss - crossed with bandages . " You want to see what 's underneath ? " " That 's probably for the best . " It hurt him to lie to a friend who had been through trauma at the hands of the same man , but it didn 't hurt as much as speaking the truth about what he remembered . No one could know about that . It wasn 't important exactly what happened , or so he told himself . Only that they were all okay , and they were here , together . " Until I can stand on my own . The muscles in my core were pretty badly damaged . I can 't really start working on that until the scars from the surgery heal . They 're not too bad , but just because of where the bullet was , they did a lot of work . " " Don 't worry . I 'm going to testify against him and get some kind of a deal on the whole thing . They 're working with me , since I 'm one of the few people they 've been able to talk to about this . I guess underlings have a way of disappearing before they can talk . " " But is there any place you know of he could have escaped to ? A summer place ? A second apartment ? A secret hideout ? " Adam couldn 't stand to think that this man was out running around . He needed closure . He needed Mozer to be behind bars or under the ground , and he didn 't care which it was . The thought that he could be anywhere , still pulling strings around the city , threatened to bring the blackness to the surface again and drown out the stability that collected on the surface like a shell . " Adam . I was just a lackey . I did jobs for him , but I didn 't know anything . I had no idea he had killed so many people until I was on the receiving end of an order . I mean , the guy 's running a criminal ring that spans all of Paris . Maybe more . I don 't know where he is , but I 'll bet he 's lying low after his narrow escape . Maybe Papa Bear might know where he is . " Gwynne and Juliette looked at each other . It was time to break the news . Juliette took Petros 's hand . " Love . I don 't know how to tell you this . Papa Bear is dead . " Adam slammed his hand down on the bed 's railing , startling everyone . " Damn it ! I can 't believe he got away ! I need to know where he is ! " Everyone looked at him , dumbstruck . " My father is dead , " said Petros to his nurse . There was a deafening crack and the side of the nurse 's head burst open , spattering them with bits of blood and tissue . Screams filled the room and the area outside the room . The nurse fell to the ground , and over his body stepped a man with a gun . Juliette grabbed the vase of flowers on the nightstand and threw it as hard as she could at the man in the doorway . The gun in his hand skittered into the corner of the room . Mozer stepped forward , grabbed Gwynne by her hair , and flicked a knife out , pressing it against her throat . " Nobody move . " The world around him went still . Blood spilled from the man on the floor in the doorway . Gwynne let out a strangled cry . " Such a pretty girl , " purred Mozer . " It 'd be a shame if I ruined all this gorgeous skin . " Mozer turned to him . " You . Is she yours ? Is this the girlfriend ? And does she know ? " He tilted her head back and looked into her wide eyes . " Do you know what your boyfriend and I shared ? " He turned on his former employee . " You keep your moth shut . You 're supposed to be dead . " He looked back at Adam . " What I want is for you to tell - what 's her name ? " She glanced at Adam . He couldn 't open his mouth . " TELL HER ! " He pressed the knife against her throat . How could he even begin to explain the horror of what had happened to him in that room . The words wouldn 't even form . He couldn 't just tell her the details . He didn 't even want to believe the details himself , let alone put them out there for everyone to hear . Mozer laughed . " Is that the best you can muster ? Come on , boy , where 's your passion ? Where 's your memory of the situation ? Where 's your vocabulary ? ! " Adam lunged for the gun in the corner . In one swift motion Mozer kicked his feet out from under him and stood on his back . " Bad move , Mr . Hudson . One more of those and … " Adam heard Gwynne squeal in pain . " Let her go ! " Juliette shrieked . Mozer ignored her . " What Mr . Hudson isn 't telling you is that I know him quite intimately now . Even , biblically . And while the fight was still in him , he was quite good . But alas , every spring chicken loses that spring at some point . It was a valiant attempt from your boyfriend to resist , but I always get my way … in the end . I hope you weren 't too sore , boy . I 've been known to leave a mark . " Adam was humiliated , trapped under a booted foot . He was content to lay on the floor for the rest of his life , especially after his secret was so descriptively revealed . He felt as if his skin had been slit down the middle and he 'd been flayed and laid out for everyone to gawk at . He pushed back against the darkness that erupted from the cage inside him . He had to stay in the moment . Something had to be done . Mozer turned to Petros , keeping a boot on Adam 's back , grinding his lacerations into a fiery mess of pain . " And my dear Petros . When you asked what I wanted , I assume you meant why I am here ? " No one spoke . Petros tried not to notice Adam reaching for the gun in the corner . It was just barely out of his arm span . " Well , I 'm here because I have need of you … elsewhere . Now . Adam , if I were you , I wouldn 't touch that . " He pushed Gwynne away and swooped down to take the gun . Gwynne ran to the other corner of the room , heaving . Even in this moment , if felt miraculous to be able to breathe freely again . Mozer pointed the gun at Adam 's head . " For your insolence , Mr . Hudson , you can come with us . And the rest of you . No more heroics . Do as I say or I will kill him . I 've already had my fill of him anyway . " Adam did as he was told . " Ladies , I want one of you on each side of the bed . Don 't let anyone near it . If they touch my dear Petros , Mr . Hudson dies . " Mozer walked forward , stroked Juliette 's face , and grabbed the IV at its base , yanking it from Petros 's arm . Petros screamed and grabbed at the open wound , clamping a hand over the blood that spilled from it already . " That will do . " Petros gritted his teeth , wrapped the edge of the sheet around his arm to soak up the blood , and tried to kill Mozer with a glare . Mozer stepped into the hallway and fired a shot . Screams filled the halls . " Now . Someone else will die if anyone moves a muscle . And we wouldn 't want that . " He directed them to pull the bed out of the room and wheel it down the hall . Adam could feel the muzzle of the gun on the back of his head . They pushed down the hallway , past patients and nurses who just stared , helpless . Mozer punched the elevator down button . While they waited , he went to the window . " Oh , good . The police are here . " He aimed his gun at the nearest staff member and fired . Everyone flinched as blood spattered the light green walls . " That 's for calling the police . " The elevator doors opened , and they maneuvered the bed in . It was a tight fit . When the doors closed , Mozer instructed Juliette to push the button for the parking level . She obliged . He stood behind Adam , gun to his head , and snaked a hand around his belly . Adam 's skin crawled , but he didn 't dare fight off a man who could kill so innocuously . The hand descended to Adam 's crotch and squeezed . Adam winced . Mozer whispered in his ear , " Maybe we 'll have to recreate our time together when all this is over . " The doors opened and Mozer straightened . Adam could feel a bulge in the man 's pants pressing against the back of him . His throat burned with bile . He moved forward into the parking garage . The police hadn 't prepared for this eventuality , so there wasn 't a cop car in sight . A black SUV pulled up the ramp and stopped . Two men got out and opened the tailgate . They took Petros 's bed around back and lifted him into the way back of the vehicle . He called out in pain as they jammed him into the car . Juliette winced . Mozer counted the heads outside the car . " Six . Hm . " He lifted his gun and shot one of his men in the face , another body crumpled onto the floor with a gory crater in his head . Juliette threw up . The other man turned and looked at Mozer . Mozer smiled . The man turned and started running , but Mozer fired a single shot into his back . The man fell . Mozer turned to the three remaining passengers . " I like a little space . " He ushered the girls into the back of the car . " You 're coming up front with me , " he said to Adam . " I 'm going to keep an eye on you . " Adam got in the passenger seat . Mozer went around the car and took his place at the wheel . He looked in the rearview mirror . " Everyone comfy ? Seatbelts ! " He clicked his into place . They followed suit . Adam watched the rows of cars go by as they went up the ramps toward street level . Where was he taking them ? Wherever it was , he hoped his death would be swift and painless . He knew it wouldn 't be . He met Gwynne 's eyes in the rearview mirror . She looked at him , eyes full of tears , and shook her head . He looked away . After the revelation , he couldn 't bear to look at her for fear of seeing something on her face akin to the feelings he had about himself . Mozer wound the car up the ramps toward daylight . They could see the parking gate ahead . People walked by the entrance on the sidewalk outside . Free people . People who weren 't worried about their next breath . The car bucked as Mozer gunned it for the entrance . Toward the end of the lane , a delivery van backed into their path . " Fucking shit ! " Mozer said , slamming on his brakes and laying on the horn . The van stopped in the lane . Mozer slammed his fists on the steering wheel and screamed something in French . Adam looked in the rearview to see a limousine pulling up behind them . They were blocked in . He knew in a desperate situation Mozer would probably put a bullet in all of them and call it quits rather than be nabbed by the police and have them go free . Adam was glad he was wearing his seatbelt when the car leapt backward , slamming into the hood of the limousine . Mozer was crazy with rage as he reverse rammed the limo . He threw open his door and leapt out , waving his gun in the air and screaming in French . Juliette turned in her seat . " Are you okay back there , Pet ? " " I 'm fine . What 's going on ? " Petros called from the back . " I don 't know . This delivery van pulled out in front of us , and now a limo is blocking us in . " Adam looked ahead . The delivery door on the back of the truck was open , and several boys had piled out . They ducked as they ran toward the car , trying not to attract the attention of the madman with the gun . They pulled the doors on the opposite side of the SUV open , shushing the riders and motioning for them to get out and follow . Juliette slid out , followed by Gwynne . Adam hopped down , and they all waited for a moment . " Come with us , " said one of the boys . " Hell have to wait . Come on . " They reluctantly left their friend and followed the boy , going around the back of the truck and hopping in the delivery door . Mozer was still screaming at the driver of the limousine . Adam was shocked he hadn 't just shot the man already . Gwynne asked the boy who had rescued them , " Why are you helping us . " " That bastard has done enough damage in the city for one life . " The driver of the delivery van pulled forward , through the empty space in front of the delivery van . Mozer whipped around when he heard the engine start . He raced to the SUV , saw the doors were open , and turned on them . Gwynne slid the door down as he started firing . The bullets dented the metal door but didn 't come through . A battery operated lantern provided light for them as the truck hobbled its way out of the garage and onto the street . Once the truck steadied and the gunfire stopped , they breathed a sigh of relief . That relief was short lived , as the truck door lifted and Mozer pushed his way in . Everyone froze . " What , no goodbye ? " he quipped . Adam looked past Mozer to see the black SUV giving chase . He squinted to make out the person behind the steering wheel . It certainly wasn 't Petros . Where had he gone ? Everyone was silent , watching the SUV approach the tail end of the truck . It wasn 't going to be substantial enough to do any damage to the rear of the truck . Mozer noticed everyone 's eyes looking past him and turned . " Oh , good . I 'd hoped to finish this all at once . How convenient that everyone is right here . " He aimed the gun at the windshield of the SUV . Adam rushed the man while his back was turned , shoving him as hard as he could . Mozer toppled out the open door of the truck and caught himself on the bumper . He collected himself and fired one shot at Adam . Adam spun and fell to the floor of the truck , blood seeping through the shoulder of his shirt . Gwynne ran over and helped him get out of Mozer 's way . The SUV rushed forward and rammed the back of the truck , crushing Mozer against the truck 's bumper . He howled in pain . When the SUV got close , they could see who the driver was . Juliette was shocked to see a dead man behind the wheel . " It 's the bear ! " They exchanged a puzzled look . " He 's very much alive . And from the looks of it , he 's come to save you and your friend . " Petros had climbed over the back of the back seat and let himself into the passenger 's captain 's chair . Adam looked up . " Petros ! " Mozer contorted himself and fired at the SUV . The vehicle swerved , steam erupting from under the hood . Once free , Mozer turned and fired again . The front driver 's side tire exploded and flew from the rim . Sparks rose from the wheel as it ground against the road . The armed man climbed back into the truck and readied his gun . " This has gone on long enough . " The SUV revved just as the truck slowed . They connected with a bang and a flash of sparks . Mozer windmilled his arms and reached for anything he could grab . His hands found nothing , and he fell from the back of the truck with a scream . The SUV made a sickening crunch of his body . No one cheered . Everyone was sitting in a relieved silence . It was over . Was it really over ? The van slowed and took a spot a few feet down the street . The SUV stopped behind it , rim grinding down and steam billowing from under the hood . Petros opened the door of the SUV and got out , steadying himself on the steaming hood . Juliette jumped down and went to his side . " Oh , Pet . You 're okay . " Juliette said , " I 'm going to stay here with Petros . " Adam got up with Gwynne 's help and got down from the back of the truck . He had lost a lot of blood and was feeling pretty woozy . Papa Bear flipped his phone out from his pocket and dialed . He got an ambulance on the way . Their back from the dead benefactor and several of his boys followed Gwynne back down the street to where they had run over Mozer . As they approached , they could see a trail of blood leading away from a bloody splotch on the road . Gwynne hurried her pace . " Shit . " " No . No no no no no . " She looked frantically around the street . Papa Bear was red with rage . " JACKAL ! " They started back to the truck . Adam was standing in the middle of the street with his hands raised . Petros stood next to him , blood obvious on the front of his clothing . Juliette stood behind them . She glanced down the street to where they were and shook her head . Gwynne ran from Le Ours and his boys toward her friends . She got close enough to see Mozer standing , supporting himself on the end of the truck , blood covering his face and coloring his beard . His gun was aimed at Petros . She stopped . He waved her into the group with his gun . She joined them in the street . They did as they were told . They all sat in a line , knowing that any moment would be the last they got . Mozer 's footsteps foretold the coming of death . A mighty roar tore through the air . A gunshot . A loud crunch . They turned to see Mozer falling to the street . Papa Bear stood behind him with a crowbar in his hand . His boy stood behind him , looking horrified . The large man dropped the crowbar and crumpled to the street , hands coming to his neck . Blood poured from the gunshot wound and onto the pavement . The boys rushed forward , gathering around him . They worked to roll him over , hoping to be able to get to his neck to stop the flow of blood . His breath gurgled . He was drowning . They flipped him over , finally , and the mess was tremendous . The sound of sirens approaching filled the air until it drowned out the sobs of the boys . The paramedics leapt out of the ambulance and went to work on the large man . Adam sat in the street with Gwynne , who kept pressure on the wound . After several minutes , they declared him dead , covered him with a sheet , and gave their attention to Adam . Reinforcements arrived a few minutes later , loaded the large man in the ambulance , and took off . Two of the boys rode along with him . Police arrived to the scene in the interim , took statements from everyone and called for more police at the scene . They roped the scene off and took Gwynne and Juliette away with them . An ambulance took Adam and Petros back to the hospital . Petros had ruptured his stitched and was raced back to surgery . Adam had a surgeon remove the bullet from his shoulder and patch him up . They asked him about his bruising , and he told them a barebones version what had happened to him in captivity . The group was fragmented once again , but without the threat of Mozer 's retaliation hanging over their heads , things weren 't as urgent .

A young woman returns to the cloth bazaar with a bundle . She sets it on the counter of a corner shop with bolts of chikkan , lawn , muslin , and georgette 's displayed on shelves . Pouring down the walls alongside the counter are chiffons and silks . Under the counter in rolls are beaded braids and embroidered trims in all colors of the rainbow , silver , gold , and copper . Two men are seated behind the counter , and she opens up her bundle , addressing the black haired one with gleaming black eyes , ringed with kohl ; he reminds her of a raccoon she saw once on a road somewhere . " Listen bhaya , you sold me these muslins without mentioning that they 'd bleed in water , the colors have all run ! I thought they were pakka , instead you sold me kachaa raw dyed cloth with no word about washing them separate . I suggest you replace them to make amends , and also the white fabric to stitch new skirts with ! " " Wah jee , listen to this foreign return bewakoof woman ! She doesn 't know how to do her wash anymore after living too many years in vilaayat , and now she expects me to give her for free more of the same kachaa cloth plus chikkan to fix her bewakoofee ! What next ! " She glares at him and leans forward , " Bhai Saab , in this world there are , as you have pointed out so clearly , bewakoof women like me . Being as wise as you are and observant to boot , why don 't you spell it out for us : : Bibi colors run , take care to wash separate hmm , what does it cost you to tell us this ? Save us the hassle and you the trouble of having us show up here with our cloths ; don 't tell me this hasn 't happened before ! Besides , in vilaayat the muslin all comes from here , better quality , always pukka rang , how come you sell this here instead of what gets sent overseas ? Under your nose it 's made and produced , yet you accept this quality and sell it with no word of warning ! How come you don 't tell suppliers , give us the good stuff , hmm ? " She stamps her foot and shouts loudly . " Not your problem ? Not your problem ? Is that so , oho ! Okay we 'll see about that ! " " Pooh ! " exclaimed Sseldaed at the sight of the beggar , and she wrinkled her nose . " Why should I give food to you ? I have friends coming over for dinner , and you are not fit to be seen ! Go away ! " She prepared to slam the door in the beggars face . " I dare say ! " Sseldaed said , sniffing , and she flounced away to get ready for the party . The party went well , and everyone left Sseldaed 's house , laughing and saying how much they had enjoyed the party . Sseldaed went up to bed , leaving the servants to tidy up her house . She had her breakfast in bed the next day . She ate her lunch in her back garden and sketched for a bit , calling for her gardener to shoo away the stray animals that wandered through her garden . At dinnertime , Sseldaed went inside and went up to her room to tidy up her hair for dinner . She has started to comb her hair when her head came off in her hands ! Sseldaed screamed horribly , and her maid came running . At the sight of her mistress holding her head in her hands , the maid shrieked and fled from the house . She never came back . Sseldaed wept and cried , holding her head in her hands . She was still able to see where she was by some extraordinary super sense that let her see around herself . Still weeping , she went down to her sitting room to find a needle and thread . If her head had come off without killing her , perhaps she could sew it back on . Sseldaed found all her servants had abandoned her . She sat down to a cold dinner and wondered glumly how she would ever eat anything without a mouth . She looked at her head , sitting on the table beside her plate . After a minute , she picked up her fork . To Sseldaed 's utter horror , a hole in the stump at the top of her neck opened up , equipped with teeth and a long , slimy , purple tongue . Sseldaed dropped her fork and cried like a banshee . Then she fainted dead away . When Sseldaed came to , she was still lying on the floor by her chair , and she was very hungry . She forced herself to sit back up in her chair and feed herself through the mouth in the top of her stumpy neck . But her nasty , neck mouth refused to eat anything at all ; it spat out the apple pie , and cold beef , and salad . Sseldaed beat her hands on the table and howled again . What had she done to deserve this ? What would she do ? Sseldaed 's neck mouth reached out its long tongue and licked her disembodied head sitting on the table . Sseldaed winced at the sight and felt sick . Yuck ! Her mouth wanted to eat her head ! But she was hungry and , if that was the only thing her neck mouth would let her eat , then that was it . She picked up her head , chopped it into neat pieces with her knife , and fed it to her neck . Her head tasted sour and bitter and tough . After dinner , Sseldaed went up to bed . When she woke up the next day , she found that she had her head back ! Jumping out of bed , she fervently checked her reflection in the mirror before she did her hair and went down to breakfast . Of course , the whole thing had just been a bad dream ! How could she have thought otherwise ! No one lost a head without dying ! The cottage was empty . Dirty dishes lay piled on the table and plates of food held yesterday 's dinner . Frowning , Sseldaed went all over the house , calling and calling for her maids to tidy the dining room up . When she received no answer , she sat down helplessly in a chair . Perhaps the whole nightmare had not been a dream after all ! Sseldaed did not like dirt . She liked everything tidy and neat . She realized that without servants to keep her cottage clean , she would have to do all the work herself ! Sseldaed struggled with the idea . Imagine , a person like herself having to clean dishes and dust and mop and weed the garden . . . good gracious , she would certainly not do the garden ! Why , the idea of dirt on her hands was revolting ! Sseldaed soon got used to her new life . But she did not tend to the garden . She could bring herself to washing the dishes and dusting and mopping , but she would not get dirt on her hands . Her hands were no longer perfectly smooth and slender , and her clothes were no longer shining and clean all the time . Her hair did not up in its fancy sets all day . She had to get used to a normal bun . And every night at dinner , Sseldaed 's head would fall off . And her head was the only thing that she could eat as her last meal of the day . Sseldaed experimented . She did not eat her head one night , and she woke up headless in the morning . She had to eat her head in order for it to grow back . One day Sseldaed went out into her garden . It was overgrown with weeds and the flowers were dead . It was an ugly sight . The sight frustrated Sseldaed . It was all she could do to keep her house and clothes clean . But to have to make the garden tidy . . . no , she would not do it ! Sseldaed 's friends had abandoned her . They told tales they had heard from Sseldaed 's former servants to everyone they knew . Everyone shunned Sseldaed . She lived alone . No servant would come to help her . The current rumor was Sseldaed was vampire in disguise . Mothers turned Sseldaed into a monster that would eat naughty , little children if they did not listen to their parents . Sseldaed was just sitting down to eat her head one evening when she heard a knock on her front door . She jumped for the noise startled her . It had been months since she had heard a knock on her front door . No one came to visit her anymore . She got up and went to the door . She opened it nervously . A young man was standing outside her door . He tipped his hat to her . " Good evening , ma ' am . I am a wandering gardener , and I saw that your garden was in a sad state . Shameful , it looked , and such a nice piece if land . " " Yes , ma ' am . Very sad for you , I am sure . But , begging ' your pardon , ma ' am , I have no problems with working for a headless lady . My name is Relaeh " The young man looked at Sseldaed . " Really ? Well , if you would come in , I will interview you . I am afraid I do not have a hot dinner on hand , as I am eating my head , but you can have the leftover lunch . " Relaeh sat down to the table and tucked into the food Sseldaed placed before him . He did not seem unsettled , nor did he stare , as Sseldaed started to eat her head . " A very pretty head you have got , ma ' am , " he said politely . " Now , I am sure you would like to see my references . I am a special class of gardener , ma ' am . I only work for people with peculiarities . See here , I have worked for a lady with bird feet , a man with a tail , and I have taught one or two little kids with no eyes and wings . But I have never met anyone with a peculiarity such as yours , ma ' am , if I may say so . Got yourself cursed , I suppose ? Refused an old beggar a meal , from the looks of it . " " It is not rubbish , ma ' am , " said Relaeh . " I will explain it to you . The tale goes that all the old beggars live in a secret part of the world . And they say the old beggars come out into the world , and go about looking for rude , arrogant , selfish people to teach lessons to . When they find someone who is rude to them , they curse that person in such a way that if the person manages to cure their curse , they will no longer be rude , selfish , or arrogant . " " I would say you are the selfish , mean sort , ma ' am . From the looks of it , you must have refused an old beggar dinner so he made you eat your head every night for the rest of your life . I have seen it all , ma ' am . Those beggars are a nightmare , ma ' am ! " Relaeh finished his coffee . " Well , I would say , ma ' am , that you will have to be kind and generous . Excuse me , ma ' am , but I have to get to work . " At ten o ' clock , Relaeh brought in an abandoned cat . " Here you go , ma ' am . A little something that needs a bit of help . Remember what I said about your curse , ma ' am ? Well , you can start undoing it right now . A bit of food is what this ol ' gal needs to pep her up . " He dumped the spitting cat into Sseldaed 's arms and marched out . An hour later , Relaeh brought in a stray dog . Then he reappeared with a bird that had broken its wing . Shortly thereafter he came back inside carrying a mouse with no tail . Sseldaed squealed when she saw it . " Oh , oh ! Get it out ! I will feed the cat and dog , and fix a bird 's wing , but I will not doctor a mouse ! Ooh , you wicked man ! Take it away ! " " Do you want your head back , ma ' am ? Well , until you have done two good deeds for every selfish thing you have done , you will have to keep on eating your head . Healing a mouse , ma ' am , counts as two good deeds since you hate them so much . " Gingerly , Sseldaed took the mouse . She carried it into the kitchen and gave it a bit of cheese . The dog and the cat were occupying separate corners of the kitchen . The bird was in the old cage belonging to her dead pet canary . Books on medicine lay littered about the kitchen . Sseldaed had dug them out of her attic . The books had belonged to her godmother , who had been an herbalist . When her godmother had died , Sseldaed had inherited the books . She had packed them away at the time , but now they were coming in handy . Every day , Sseldaed wondered what Relaeh would bring in next . Her house was full of healing animals . Every day she let the healed ones go back to the wild , and Relaeh would bring her more . She had no idea where he found them . But her garden was looking lovely . One day Relaeh brought her an abandoned , dirty child . " Afternoon , ma ' am . Lovely day to be out weeding . I found this poor little lad a ways down the road . What he needs is a good bath and a hot meal . Afternoon , ma ' am . Must be getting on with my work . " Sseldaed looked at the little lad . Then she went to fill the bath . The lad splashed in the bathwater , laughing . He ate messily , and danced wildly around the house . He grinned crookedly at Sseldaed when she scolded him for not behaving , and replied to her in a language she did not know . But that night , Sseldaed 's head did not fall of ! She was so happy she cried , and cooked herself a proper dinner to celebrate . She went to bed and slept comfortably , with her head on the pillows . Relaeh said to his employer the next morning , " Now , ma ' am , you listen to me ; as long as you keep on being kind and generous , your head will stay where it should be . The minute you are mean , off it will go . Crack ! You understand ? " Relaeh smiled suddenly . " No , ma ' am , I am not . You know the old beggars tale ? Well , the old buggers make so much trouble in the world cursing people , we angels , ma ' am , have to come out of heaven , and help some of the less fortunate cursed people out a bit . You will excuse me , ma ' am , but my son and I have got to be getting back to heaven now . Good morning , ma ' am . " When Sseldaed went up to tidy up Relaeh 's bedroom , she found he had left her a present of a book on gardening . Sseldaed knew she would treasure the book forever . She sat down to read it with avid attention . Caught ! March 30 , 2017March 30 , 2017 | creekrose There once was a boy . His name was Mark . His mother had abandoned Mark when he was a baby and put him in a lake to drown . But he had not drowned . Mermaids lived in the lake . Mermaids that liked a toy to tease and abuse . They had entrapped Mark in a magical net that kept him tied to the lake forever or until the net was removed from him by a human . The net was what kept the mermaids alive . The net had to have a living being in it to feed off . Without energy to feed off , it could not supply the mermaids with life , and they would all die . Always , the mermaids kept a living child in the net to supply the net with energy and them with life . When the child died eventually , they tricked a human mother into leaving her baby in their lake as the next victim of the cruel , pitiless net . It was not hard for the mermaids to enter the human mother 's dreams and convince her that her child would be born cursed and must be got rid of . Mark grew gills so he would not drown . He lived endlessly in the lake , miserable and unhappy for many years . The mermaids teased him and taunted him . They enjoyed watching him cry from fear and misery . At first Mark had been hopeful that a human would come by the lake and take the net off him . But no humans came near the lake . The humans were afraid of the mermaids . Not far away from the lake was a human village . In the village was a man name Sef . Sef had been born with a gift that allowed him to see into the future . The gift was a temperamental sort and did not function , as a proper gift should , in Sef 's opinion . Because of this , Sef could not see into his own future , nor could he see into the future whenever he wished . The people in Sef 's village did not believe magic was a good thing . They believed anything to do with magic was evil and tainted . As Sef was growing up , they ignored his abilities , merely marking it off as an uncanny knack for prediction . However , when Sef was a grown man and he had more control over his gift , the villagers began to notice and understand that whatever Sef said usually came true . Floods and draughts hit just when he said they would . Wheat thrived and gardens grew if they were planted when Sef said they should be . And even though that knowledge was helpful to the villagers , they still believed Sef was tainted and that he would bring bad luck to the village . In order to decide what to do with Sef , the villagers consulted their leader . The leader of the village decided not to burn Sef at the stake . Instead he said to the assembled people , " Has Sef 's knowledge of earthquakes and floods not allowed us to move out of harm 's way ? Has his mysterious way of telling us when and how to grow our food not helped us thrive ? I will set Sef a task . If he can complete it , we will allow him to return to this village and live here with us . If he fails , he shall be banished forever . If Sef refuses to take the task on , we will burn him . " The villagers all yelled with agreement . It was an excellent proposal . Sef certainly could not refuse to take on the task ; otherwise he would be burned alive . The leader of the village said slowly , " In this village we have plenty of grain and meat and vegetables . But what would we all give for a bite of fish ! I have not tasted fish in my whole life . Your task , Sef , will be to go to the lake and get rid of all the mermaids so that it will be safe to fish in that lake . " A great yell of excitement went up from the assembled villagers . That was a fabulous idea ! Fish . Wonderful fish ! The taste of fish would be a blessing ! It was the perfect task to set for Sef . If he succeeded , they would all benefit from his accomplishment . Sef would have all their hope behind him . If he failed . . . well , he was tainted so no one would really care . The naming of his task dismayed Sef . Get rid of the mermaids ? How would he ever do that ? It was not as if his gift would allow him to see just how he could succeed . His gift was in another temperamental stage at the moment . The villagers were eager for Sef to begin at his task . But their leader had one more thing to say . He said , " Sef , if you succeed at your task and come back here to live with us , you may not marry nor have any children . Your magic must not continue to survive here . " Sef set off for the mermaid 's lake the next morning . A glimmer of hope remained in his heart . The night before , his gift had sought to cheer him up and had sent him the feeling that , if he went to the lake , he would be happy . When Sef came to the lake , it was midafternoon . The lake looked blue and flat and normal . Now and then , a huge fish would jump out of the water . In one corner of the lake , a large patch of cattails grew . They cast a dark shadow on a small surface of the lake . Sef stood on the shore and wondered how he would go about succeeding at his task . If he jumped in and tried to kill the mermaids , they would drown him at once . And it was not as if he had anything he could try to kill the mermaids with ! Sef was a mellow , kind type of person . He did not go around carrying knives and javelins with him . Dispirited , Sef wandered around the lake , following the shoreline and keeping an eye out for the mermaids . As he neared the patch of cattails , Sef heard the sound of a child 's heartbreaking sobs . Curious , he stepped into the shallow water of the lake and parted the cattails . He thought perhaps he would see a mermaid child weeping prettily , but instead he saw a skinny , naked , little human boy covered in a weighted net . He was sobbing pitifully into his hands . Tears were dripping down into the water . The boy started and turned around to stare at him in surprise and fear . He started to get up but a screeching mermaid suddenly dove out of the water and grabbed the boy 's ankle . " Get back here , you beastly little wretch ! You are not going anywhere ! " She started dragging the screaming boy out into deeper water . Sef splashed out into the water as far as he dared go , and grabbed the boy 's hand that was desperately reaching for him . A short tug - of - war followed . The mermaid shrieked and clawed at the boy , drawing blood from his leg . She screamed for her sisters to help her , and Sef saw ripples in the lake . Many mermaids were coming ! He had to get out of the lake or they would get him too . But he could not leave the boy behind ! Desperately , with an extra strong pull , Sef pulled the boy free of the mermaid 's grasp and dragged him far up onto the beach . He collapsed , panting . The mermaids were all yelling and splashing in the shallow water , unable to come out any further . They screamed fearful threats at the boy , and he huddled next to Sef , looking frightened . Sef started taking the net off the boy . " Here , let me get you out of this nasty old thing . The mermaids cannot do a thing to you from here . What is your name ? " " They just call be Mark , " the boy said in a small voice . His eyes lit up as the net came off him and Sef discarded it next to him on the beach . He was shivering so Sef wrapped his cloak around him . " What do they call you ? " " I always lived there . I could not leave on my own while the net was on me . And I could not take the net off myself either . The mermaids put the net on me . It takes away all my energy and gives it to them . " " I guess so . " Mark was looking at the gills on his chest with fascination . They were slowly fading away into his skin . Sef noticed . " Did the net grow those on you ? " " Yes . But it did not give me a tail or webbed hands . I wish it had . If it had , I could have gotten away from the mermaids in the water , and they would not have been able to catch me and hurt me . " " No . I had to catch my own food . What are you going to do with me ? Do you have a net too ? Are you going to put me in it ? " " No ! Even if I did , I would not put you in it . That is an awful thing to do . How do you destroy the net ? " Mark brightened . " I would love to . I hate the net . It was so heavy , I could barely swim in it at all ! " He jumped to his feet and ran up the rocky beach . When the wood was collected , Sef lit a fire and tossed the net onto it . The wood all burned but the net remained unscathed . Mark looked dismayed . " Now the mermaids will get it back and put someone else in it ! It is not fair ! " " No , it is not , " Sef agreed . " Well , there is nothing we can do so we might as well get some sleep . We cannot walk back to my village in the dark . " While Sef was sleeping , his gift sent him a dream . In the dream , Mark was standing in the middle of a fire with the net on him . He was screaming horribly as the net slowly burned away in patches of black smoke and he burned with it . Sef awoke with a jump . If that was the only way to destroy the net , he would not do it . To have to burn Mark as well . . . . . Mark persisted that they try again to burn the net . They tried all day to burn the net . As the fire burned away for the hundredth time , Mark said mournfully , " I would do anything to destroy the net . It caused me so much pain . Do - do you think if I went into the fire with the net it might burn away ? " Sef thought about lying and saying Mark 's idea was foolishness . But his lips refused to form the lie . In the end , he admitted that the only way to destroy the net was to place it on its last occupant and burn them both . Mark tried to look brave and failed . Instead he looked frightened and pale . " Okay . I want to do it . That way , the mermaids will all die and never be able to hurt anyone else . Will you - will you light the fire ? " Mark nodded . When he was standing in the middle of the pile of wood Sef had gathered with the net on him , Sef lit it and turned away . He waited on edge for the dying screams to start . When he did not hear any , he turned uncertainly around . Sef was just in time to witness the fire all rush in on Mark and explode all around him . Mark let out a yell of terror . But the fire burned down and disappeared , leaving Mark unscathed . He stumbled out of the brushwood and fell against Sef , shaking all over . The net was gone . Sef blinked in astonishment . He saw the lake begin to boil and steam . He saw the mermaids all wither away into little puffs of black smoke . Letting go of Mark , Sef waded out into the lake water . He went in up to his chest and finally swam out to the middle of the lake and back without any mermaids coming out of the depths to drown him . He came out of the lake , dripping all over , and told Mark the mermaids were all dead and the lake was safe . Sef considered . He said finally , " No . The people there did not treat me very well . I am going to go find a new home . You can go to my village if you want to . My people will treat you kindly . " " But I want to come with you . You are the only person who was ever kind to me . And you saved me from the mermaids and their net . Please may I come with you ? " " Well , why not ? " Sef took Mark 's hand . " My gift told me I would be happy if I came here . And I am because I found you . Come on ; we have time enough to get away from here before any of my people come to see if I am dead or not . The boiling lake and the steam rising off it must have attracted a lot of attention . " The Orange Witch and The Goldfish March 26 , 2017April 8 , 2017 | creekrose Fury overtook the Orange Witch when her sweetheart fell in love and became engaged to the ordinary Mrs . Gniveirg . How could any man be enamored with an ordinary woman over a witch , pretty and young and full of magic ? The Orange Witch did not take into account that Love was at work where she could not see it . The Orange Witch swore to make her love pay for betraying her and going off with Mrs . Gniveirg . And so she had her revenge by turning her handsome once - lover into a goldfish . A plain and ordinary goldfish with a particularly girly face to further add to his humiliation . Mrs . Gniveirg was heartbroken . The Orange Witch gave the goldfish to her grieving rival and told her with a smug smile on her face , " There is only one way to undo the spell I have cast upon your foolish lover ! You must make him weigh seven pounds . " Leaving Mrs . Gniveirg to grieve over her ruined future , the Orange Witch vanished with a cackle . Mrs . Gniveirg lived in a small but comfortable flat in a seventy - five story high building . It was a flat with a small balcony out the back door overlooking the street . Above it was the balcony of the flat above it and below it the balcony of the flat underneath Mrs . Gniveirg 's . Mrs . Gniveirg put her fiancé in his goldfish bowl out on the balcony so he would have fresh air and resolved to feed him until he weighed exactly seven pounds . She kept a weighing scale in a little draw by her fiancé 's table and a notebook with the entries of how much his water weighed exactly and how much he weighed . Mrs . Gniveirg warned her two young sons ' , Fox and Wolf , not to meddle with her goldfish as he was delicate . She bought the boys their own goldfish to amuse them . Fox and Wolf put their goldfish in their room and named him Goldie . They curiously studied their mother 's unusual behavior every morning when she weighed her goldfish . " And she is overfeeding him something awful , " Wolf added . " It says on the goldfish feed bag only to give ' em so much every day or it kills ' em . Mum is overfeeding her fish like I never saw ! " One day Mrs . Gniveirg was out on the balcony . She was feeling depressed because her poor fiancé had gained all the weight it seemed he ever would ! He was only at two pounds and refused to get any bigger . " Good morning , Ms . Spielberg , " Mrs . Gniveirg answered gloomily . " It is my goldfish . He will not gain any weight . I simply must get him to weigh more . " " Well , my child , I happen to know a little spell that makes things grow at a simply wonderful rate . I will tell it to you . You look so terribly unhappy , I cannot stand it ! You must repeat the words ' hsifdlog , hsifdlog , worg , worg ' to your lovely pet every morning and evening . Keep feeding him as you are . " Having no better means to accomplish her objective , Mrs . Gniveirg agreed . She scribbled down the magic words on a piece of note paper and promised to say them to her goldfish every morning and night . Then she went into her flat . Ms . Spielberg smiled a malicious smile . She had enjoyed her once rival - in - love 's despair . Now she would make sure Mrs . Gniveirg could never change her love back to man . The Orange Witch got onto her motorcycle and drove to multiple pet stores where she ordered many goldfish of different sizes and paid for delivery to her flat . When the goldfish arrived , she set them up in tanks all over her kitchen , labeling each fish with its exact weight . In the flat below , Fox and Wolf were struggling to figure out what to take for next week 's show - and - tell at school . Wolf said suddenly , " Hey , why not take mom 's fish ? She said it was a man once . I bet she was lying , but no one at school will know . We can tell a fine old yarn . Only trouble is , mom will see we took her fish and throw a fit . " " Not if I can help it , " said Fox . " We can take her fish and put good old Goldie in his place . Mom will never know . Quick , get Goldie . We can do the substitution now will mom is out talking to the landlady . That way if mom finds out now , we will know our trick will not work and we will still have lots of time to come up with something new for show - and - tell . " " I hope you boys are behaving yourselves , " Mrs . Gniveirg called , going to the kitchen to make dinner . Afterwards , she went out to say the magic words to her goldfish in his bowl . Fox and Wolf watched her anxiously from door . " Look , mum has gone nuts now , " Fox said , " She is talking rot to her ol ' fish . She has not noticed its Goldie . Hurray ! " Mrs . Gniveirg went back into her flat to serve dinner . In the flat above , Ms . Spielberg was putting a slightly bigger fish then Goldie into a bowl of water . She went out onto her balcony and looked quickly around to make sure the coast was clear . She lowered her goldfish down onto the table where Mrs . Gniveirg 's fish was swimming around in his bowl . Then she pulled up Goldie with her long set of mechanical claws . Ms . Spielberg went into her kitchen and killed the fish she had pulled up from Mrs . Gniveirg 's balcony . She thought it was her former lover . She cooked the fish and ate it , happily thinking she had got rid of her once lover . She would keep substituting a slightly heavier goldfish for the one on Mrs . Gniveirg 's balcony every night to keep up the illusion that the magic words were working before she cleared out for good . The next morning when Mrs . Gniveirg weighed her goldfish , she found he had gained a few ounces ! She shrieked in delight , and Ms . Spielberg peered down off her balcony . " Oh , oh , Ms . Spielberg , your magic words are working ! " Mrs . Gniveirg cried excitedly . " I can hardly believe it ! " That night Ms . Spielberg cranked up the goldfish from Mrs . Gniveirg 's balcony and replaced it with a slightly heavier one . Grinning , she ate went to bed . Silly , stupid , ordinary Mrs . Gniveirg ! Mrs . Gniveirg was being played like a harp ! One day , when her fish weighed exactly six and a half pounds , Mrs . Gniveirg found she had to work late unexpectedly . She could not leave her boys at home alone , so she called up to Ms . Spielberg and begged her to come and babysit Fox and Wolf while she was out working . To her relief , Ms . Spielberg agreed to babysit her children . " Oh , its an ol ' fish that was supposed to have been a man once , " Fox said proudly . " It was mom 's , but we pinched it and put our old Goldie in its place . That was smart , huh ? She never found out ! She goes on talking to poor Goldie , who is getting terribly fat , just like it was her old one . " Ms . Spielberg 's knitting needles fell to the floor . " What ? " she screamed in rage . She , the Orange Witch , had eaten an ordinary goldfish and not her once lover after all ? But the real goldfish was still in the house . . . all she had to do was catch it , kill it and eat it . And that would be easy . No two boys could stop her . She would kill them too ! How ruined would be poor , ordinary Mrs . Gniveirg 's life then ! " Me too . But we will not let her in . Quick , we can rig up a booby trap in case she gets in ! Get me three of mom 's old boyfriend 's biggest bowling balls . They 're a few in the back of my closet . He never took them with him when he disappeared . " Three bowling balls were erected over the door . A trip wire was stretched across the doorway . The boys left the door cracked open and crouched behind their bed to wait and see what happened . Ms . Spielberg appeared in the hallway . She was now young and beautiful but with an air of wickedness about her . She was holding a knife . When she saw Fox and Wolf and the goldfish behind them on their dresser , she came at once into the room . " There you are , naughty children ! Do - " Then Ms . Spielberg screamed a dying death scream . Fox and Wolf gulped as Ms . Spielberg 's head was crushed in by the downfall of the three bowling balls . They hid their faces in their hands to block out the sight . Behind them , out of the goldfish bowl , a man emerged . Fox and Wolf turned around at the sound of sound of breathing behind them . " Hey , look , it is mom 's old boyfriend , " Wolf said . " How did he get in here ? " " No , she will not , " the old boyfriend said , " I will not let her . I was the goldfish . When the witch died , I was released from my curse . " Fox groaned and clutched his head . " Oh man , oh man ! Why could you not have popped out at show - and - tell is what I want to know ? Couldn 't you have waited a bit longer ? We would have brought down the house if you had come out of a fish in front of the whole class ! " " Sorry about that , buddy , " the old boyfriend said . He picked up the dead Orange Witch , carried her out onto the flat balcony , and threw her off . " As far as the world knows , Ms . Spielberg fell off her balcony and died of an accident . Back into the house , boys , that is no sight for you to be seeing ! " Fox and Wolf heard footsteps in the hall . " Mom is coming home ! " they shrieked . They dragged the old boyfriend over to the door . " Quick , let her in ! " Poison August 17 , 2016March 30 , 2017 | creekrose His name was Lavadil . He was tall and fair and blue - eyed . His son was eight , and his name was Seshal . Lavadil was running after his son when they erupted around him . The drow fastened his hands in cruel chains . One of them chased his son with a naked blade . Lavadil lived with the knowledge that his son was still alive . The drow dragged him down into the earth . They were dark elves , with black skin , and white hair , and evil hearts . All the long way to servitude , Lavadil lived , knowing his sweet son was still alive . Corex and Jetre whipped him , and did not deem it necessary to feed him . He was taken to their House and made a slave . Lavadil 's new home was brutal an ugly . Some of the slaves were drow , who did as they were told or they were beaten . They worked , lived , and died . So it was , even with the children . Corex nodded to Jetre as the two drow came into sight . He came up behind Malay and stabbed him through the back . As Sixty turned towards him offensively , Jetre gutted him . Corex felt ill himself . He walked slowly down the hall , to where his mother was waiting in full battle armor . She expected to be victorious within a week . Had Matron Sichera not been in such a hurry , she would have whipped him to death . But Corex was lucky ; his mother had a war to fight , and was far too busy to be bothered with him . She left him where she was , took her armies , and left . Corex lay on the cold , stone floor . His skin bubbled and boiled , rotting away in patches . In their rooms , Jayma and Jetre lay helpless , awake and prone , as their flesh rotted away . They were screaming , but Corex could not hear them . Lavadil came in , sent to clean up the vomit . He looked at Corex dispassionately , but with a tiny bit of pity in his eyes as he saw the rotting flesh and blood . The smell was sickening . Lavadil continued his rounds . Others besides Corex were suffering from the disease . Slaves . Warriors left behind to protect House Sichera if they were attacked while the mass of their army was away . Nobles and children . Lavadil hated to see the children suffering . It was not right . He passed drow scratching themselves uncontrollably . The Sichera army was probably feeling uncomfortable right about now ; they would lose this battle for sure . Corex gagged . He looked away . He was infected . They were infected . Their army was infected . They would be defeated . . . drow would pour in and murder everyone . The whole city would be infected ! He had to have a cure . Corex screamed in frustration . He was overcome by blood exploding in his throat and collapsed , coughing . He was too weak to rise again , even though he had to . With pain - racked movements , he crawled all the way down to the slave 's quarters , and sank down by Lavadil . Lavadil blinked as they emerged into the city by the back gate . " I know . Seshal will be hurt by my abduction , but he knows that I will come back to him . . . I was not taught to hate . You are in pain . You need help . I was not taught to refuse from malice . " A lump formed in Corex 's throat . In Lavadil 's place , he would have let everyone die . But Lavadil cared . . . that was something new . Corex led the way . It took hours , but they did not stop running until they reached the surface . It was blaring daylight . The light stung Corex 's eyes . Corex was lying on the cool ground of the cave when he opened his eyes . He sat up . His flesh was whole again ! The pain was gone ! Seshal stepped into his view . He gave Corex seventeen , tiny bottles . " These contain healing gas to spray over your army . One bottle covers 700 square feet . " " No , " said Lavadil , " I will know if you have been kind . My son needs me now . Go , Corex . Do not be cruel to those who cannot repay you . " Corex took the bottles , and left . He returned to his home , and sprayed the gas over the remainder of the House Sichera army . He did not wait for results . Corex got up . He let his brothers help him heal the children . Every time he touched one of them , they cringed and looked at him with pain and fear in their eyes . One by one , they thanked him and crawled or staggered away . There were no loving arms to greet them and hold them . There was no one , but they expected none .

Author Notes : I would like to thank my beta readers Sally , Kris and Emma . Also to Lorrie , Keri , Michelle , Emma and Shelly thank you for answering my calls for help . To the whole SMK5 group , you are all great and I am glad I was a part of this . * * * I have an extra big , gigantic hug thank you to Emma . I was so upset when I lost part of my story on 10 / 24 , she talked to me and emailed back a section I sent to her . Friday October 23 , 1987 Seedy building in the warehouse district On a dark and raining night we find two men talking on the phone , one talking in such anger , while the other gives him information on the day to day activities of his potential victims . He grew more aggravated as the conversation continued . " Brother , this is not going to work ! I need another angle . " The rain pounded on the roof of the warehouse building . " Get me more information on that man , check into his partner 's life too . . . . . . NOW ! " " Yes , I will . I 'll contact you tomorrow night , I should have something by then . " " You better , don 't disappointment me , Samir . " The man 's voice rose with each word . " Calm down , Samrat , I know what this man did to us too . Just stay out of sight , we don 't want him to know we are here until we can put our plan into action . " It had been over ten years since Samir and Samrat had a wonderful little gun smuggling ring in Kandla , India . Or at least thought they had , until a cocky rookie agent messed up their plans . Now with their prison time behind them , the vowed to each other that the person responsible would pay . In Billy 's Office , both he and Lee were sitting down with their feet up , on the coffee table , relaxing and enjoying a drink together after a long week . " Well , Billy , do you think everything will be a lot slower by the end of next week ? Remember , I told you I wanted to take Amanda somewhere for her birthday . So please , no last minute I need this done requests . " He said that last sentence with a little more emphasis and his eyebrows raised . " Yes , I remember , " Billy said shaking his head at Lee . " It shouldn 't be any problem . Have you decided where to take her ? " " Well , it was a hard decision , but yes I did , and no , you are not going to know . I want no interruptions , we deserve a break and I want to spend time alone with her . " Lee said with a big grin . He began to daydream about time alone with Amanda . Time alone was something they had not had in quite sometime . Billy brought him back to their conversation by clearing his throat . " Are the boys going to be with Joe while you are gone ? " " Jamie leaves with him in the evening . Phillip has a Halloween party to go to , so he 'll go with Joe after that . " Lee paused , took a drink and shifted his body , he moved both feet to the floor and leaned forward . " You know what , I can 't believe I 'm sitting here , talking to you about all this . It feels so good . " He sighed , slightly reserved . " I just wish I was around the boys more . " " You know something , Lee . I 'm so glad that you finally wised up and married that woman . She 's the best thing that could have happened to you . " Billy looked up at his friend and noticed the concerned look on his face . " I know it 's hard with Phillip and Jamie not knowing , but you need to remember , in time things will get better . They need you and so does Amanda , she is a very special person . " You 're right , she is the best thing that has ever happened to me , " Lee said softly , knowing Billy 's words were right . As Billy finished the contents of his glass , he glanced over at the clock on his desk and realized was almost 9 : 30pm . " We should get going , Jeannie is probably wondering why I 'm not home yet . And I bet you have a trip to Arlington on your mind , " he said with a big smile on his face . Happy to see his friend finally settling down , despite the family 's lack of knowledge . Lee and Billy walked out of the Agency that night and went their separate ways , hoping to have a nice , quiet weekend . Amanda woke up on Saturday morning after a restless and lonely night . Lee had come over to visit her late Friday night . They sat outside on a blanket and held each other , gazing at the stars . They didn 't pay attention to the time , until the neighbor 's dog started barking . At that point Lee decided he had better head home . She hated that he had to leave and go back to the apartment , she so much waned to have her husband stay there with them , but that was not going to happen right now . Amanda stretched her arms and legs , then climbed out of bed . She headed to her bathroom to take a shower and start her day . After she was done and dressed , she was grabbing the last of her things before leaving her room , when she thought she heard Phillip and Jamie arguing in their bedroom . " Phillip , hey put that back . " " Alright you two , what 's going on ? " Amanda said as she opened the door to the room . " Mom , Phillip won 't leave my stuff alone . " " Boys , just please get along . I need you both to get ready so we can have breakfast before leaving . Phillip has a basketball practice in just over an hour from now . " " Alright , mom , I 'm sorry . " " Me too , " Jamie piped in . Both boy 's , sensing that their mother was tired , decided now was probably not a good time to be fighting . Phillip handed Jamie back his books about photography and they got themselves ready . Amanda walked down the stairs and found Dotty already in the kitchen . She was happy to see her mother had breakfast ready for everyone . It was the little things like this that made her life so much easier . Amanda was overly tired after the long week of work and just didn 't feel like doing anything . " Good morning Amanda , did you sleep well ? " Dotty asked in her normal chipper mood . " Good morning , Mother , I slept okay , " Amanda said , grabbing a coffee cup down while trying to stifle a yawn . She had lied to her mother , again ; she was tired of that , too . She couldn 't tell her the real reason why she had had little sleep the night before . Amanda just wasn 't up to a game of 20 questions about Lee . She sat herself down at the table and began to eat . Ten minutes later , Phillip and Jamie came running into the kitchen , ready to eat . And Thirty minutes later the King family was out the door to start their busy Saturday . " What did you find out for me , Samir ? " Samrat said while sitting down . " Well , brother , . . . . . . " Samrat , just said umm 's and hmm 's smuttered his comprehension of the information he was giving while in his mind plotted his revenge . The two men hung up their phones , when the conversation was over , and the angry one sat back and said to himself , " One more week . I think I can wait until then , no one will ever suspect me . I have the perfect plan . My brother did well . My , my , Scarecrow is in love " . With a big grin and a puff of his cigar he said aloud , " One more week Scarecrow and your life will be hell ! " Monday morning 26th , Q - Bureau Amanda was sitting at her desk going through notes that Lee had written on a file from a previous case . ' What would he do without me around to make sense of all this ? ' Amanda mused , shaking her head as she inserted another piece of paper into her typewriter . As Lee started to open the door of the Q - bureau , he saw that Amanda was in already . He decided to be quiet , leaned up against the door and gazed at her . She was deep in thought and he knew why from the file sitting on her desk . It was one that he had worked on late Friday afternoon . As he watched her facial expressions change , from concentration to total frustration and then a completely puzzled look . He loved watching her in everything that she did . ' She is so amazing , ' he thought . ' Billy was right , Amanda is exotic and mysterious . I was such a fool for not seeing that before . Even though we have been married for the last eight months after all this time she can still surprise me . ' Finally , Lee decided to get his wife 's attention . " Some spy you are , letting someone just stand here and watch you work . " Amanda looked up when Lee started to walk behind her . In a serious tone he added , " Mrs . Stetson , you need to stay on your toes . I could have been someone else sneaking up on you . " He started nibbling on the back of her neck . " Well , normally I pay attention , but I 'm busy right now trying to understand this person 's writing . " She turned slightly , handing Lee the file that was in front of her . " Do you think you could translate this in English for me ? " " Hey there is nothing wrong with my writing . " Amanda just gave him a look , not believing a word he was saying . Lee sighed , " Alright , Amanda , sometimes my hand writing is less than desirable . . . . . " " And ? " She interrupted . " And yes , I will help you , even though I hate paperwork . " " Thank you , Lee , " Amanda kissed on the lips , after which they broke apart slightly , " Now that is a better way to say good morning . " " Yes it is , " he returned . Lee leaned in for another kiss , but decided against it when he could hear the clicking of shoes coming towards the Q - Bureau . He started for his desk just as the door opened and Francine walked in . " Goodmorning , you two . " " Goodmorning , Francine , " they returned . " Oh it was wonderful , I didn 't want to come back . " Francine said as she deposited two files on Lee 's desk . " Billy wanted you to sign off these and then file them into the vault . " The phone rang , surprising everyone , Lee talked to Billy who had called up there , he wanted Francine to hurry up and return down to his office . While Lee was talking , Francine leaned over Amanda 's desk and said , " Remind me to tell you all about my vacation . I met this good looking guy just before I left and we had the wonderful time . " Francine walked out of the office , leaving Lee and Amanda to go about their work . They spent the day going through old case files then filing them in the vault , after which they had lunch at Emilo 's . As Jamie sat at the table doing his homework , Amanda was cooking dinner and Phillip on the phone with Linda . " I can 't wait until Saturday night too , it 's going to be a blast . . . . . . Yeah , mom wanted to drop me off , but I convinced her to let me walk since you are only a couple of blocks away . . . . . . Okay , see you tomorrow at school . " Phillip said , ending his phone call . " Phillip did you finish your homework already ? " " Yeah mom , I did it right when I got home . " Just then the doorbell rang and Amanda turned to ask Phillip to answer it , but he was already out in the backyard . " Jamie , will you please get the door for me . It should be Lee . " " Yes , mom , " Jamie responded as he replaced the juice container back into the refrigerator . Lee had walked up to front of the beautiful white house , noticing Amanda 's touches to every little part of the front yard . He knew she liked to add decorations around the house during holidays . As he got closer , he stifled a laugh as he saw what Amanda had hanging on the door . A two - foot long scarecrow stared back at him . Jamie opened up the door and greeted Lee . " Hi Lee . " " Hi Jamie , looks like your mom found her Halloween decorations . " Jamie opened up the door wider allowing Lee to enter the house . " Yes , she did . " Lee shut the front door and followd Jamie towards the kitchen . " Mom 's cooking dinner , " he added . As both Lee and Jamie walked into the kitchen Amanda looked up , gave her husband a quick smile and returned back to her cooking . " Jamie , since Lee is here now will you go tell your brother it is time for dinner . " " Okay . " Lee walked up behind Amanda and greeted her with a kiss on the cheek , " Mmmm something smells good . " " Why thank you , you like my new perfume ? " " Oh , you have new perfume ? I was commenting on dinner . " Amanda moved her elbow back a little , just enough to nudge him in the stomach , " You are terrible . " She turned herself around in his loose embrace , gave him a brief kiss . She then quickly moved away from him and went about setting the table for dinner . Jamie and Phillip came back into the house talking about Halloween costumes " Just leave me alone about it , Jamie , " Phillip snipped back at his brother . " Alright you two , what 's going on ? " Lee asked . " Oh nothing , Jamie is just being a pest . " Phillip hurried up before Jamie could say anything . " No I am not ! Lee , I just asked him if he is going to dress up in the Halloween costume I suggested . " " And what would that be ? " Phillip walked over to sit on the couch trying to avoid the conversation . " Well , " Jamie started out , " I suggested since Linda is dressing up as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz he should go as the Scarecrow from that movie . " " I don 't understand what the problem is , Jamie . " " I told mom , while Phillip was still on the phone talking to Linda , he should go as a scarecrow for Halloween . It fits him , no brains . He heard me say that to mom . " Jamie said while staring at his feet . Lee looked over at Amanda and shook his head . " Oh , now it makes sense , Jamie . . . . . " Lee started , but was interrupted by Phillip 's voice coming from the family room . " Alright you two . Stop arguing , go upstairs and wash your hands for dinner . " At first the boys didn 't pay attention . They were just standing there looking at each other , but they did move after their mother added , a little more firmly , " Now boys . " Amanda had been watching the whole conversation , but grew weary of the whole thing . After Phillip and Jamie started up the stairs Lee looked over at Amanda and whispered , " no brains . " Lee had been surprised at the comment Jamie made , even though the young boy didn 't know about Lee 's code name . Amanda walked up to Lee , put her hands on his chest and gave him a soft kiss on his lips . As she walked away to retrieve a bottle of wine out of the refrigerator , she couldn 't resist laughing at her husband . Thursday Morning 29th , Amanda 's house As Lee 's Corvette started down Maplewood Drive he looked out the window , thinking to himself how much he enjoyed driving to this house and picking Amanda up for work . The only problem he had was that he wanted to leave from the same house with his wife in the morning instead of just picking her up . He just kept reminding himself , ' Some day Stetson , ' he thought to himself . Lee knew that in a few days he would get to spend time alone with Amanda . " Today is a special day for her , " he said quietly . " And I am not going to dwell on things that are not realistic at this time . " As Lee pulled up to the front of the house , he already knew the boys had left for school and Dotty was suppose to be out with friends for the day . He got out of the car and stretched his long form , but just before he closed his door he reached in to retrieve a surprise for Amanda . Walking up to the front door , he half expected Amanda to open it before he got there , but she hadn 't . He knocked with his right hand while the left held a red rose . Lee was surprised to be greeted by Dotty . " Ummm . . . . . Good morning , Dotty . " Lee said , slightly embarrassed before being a little relieved that he hadn 't brought her a dozen roses . " Goodmorning Lee , oh what a beautiful rose , why don 't you come in , Amanda is almost ready to go , would you like a cup of coffee ? " Dotty rambled off , all in one breath . As Lee walked up the two steps that will lead into the den , he saw , out of the corner of his eye , Amanda descending down the stairs . He froze in his tracks to admire his wife . ' Oh , how she makes me feel when I see her , she looks beautiful today , but she looks beautiful everyday . ' " Good morning , a little something for my wife . " He whispered , while handing Amanda the red rose he had brought for her . Leaning in to give her a quick kiss on the lips he added " Happy Birthday Amanda , this is the start of a wonderful day . " A little taken back , Amanda remembered how Lee had felt about roses in the past . He had only given her roses once in all the time they had known each other . She graciously took the rose from him , smiling , " Thank you , Lee . " She continued into the kitchen and pulled out a small vase . Dotty sat at the counter sipping tea . " Mother , I thought you were going out shopping and for lunch ? " " Yes , I am , dear , but Marge was running late . She 'll be here in about an hour . " " Oh okay , well Lee and I are going to head out to work now . I 'll see you later on tonight . " She gave her mother a kiss on the cheek and went to grab her coat . " Have a good day dear . Goodbye , Lee , " Dotty replied as she went to put her cup into the sink . " Goodbye , Dotty . " Lee gave her a big smile , the type that could melt a persons heart . Lee kept surprising Amanda all day . When they arrived at the their office , Amanda found another red rose sitting on her desk . They both had different things to do during the day , but had agreed to meet for lunch . " That 's okay , mother . Yes , more roses from Lee . " Amanda couldn 't help but smile . Dotty noticed the smile on her face and broke out into one herself . " I do like Lee , I think he 's a keeper , " She whispered conspiratorially . " Mother ! " Amanda was embarrassed at her mother 's comment . She turned and walked up to her room to prepare for her night out with Lee . Lee couldn 't wait to get back to Amanda , so he returned just under two hours later . Repeating his actions from that morning he walked up to the front door with another rose in his hand . He wanted this day to be very special for her . It is the first time he could actually celebrate her birthday with her , and not knowing how it had been in the past he was going to make sure that she enjoyed every minute of it this year . He took her out to dinner at a small resturant by the name of IL PORTO in Alexandria . When they sat down Amanda noticed a small vase with a single red rose along with baby 's breath on her side of the table , with a note attached . ' To the most beautiful woman in the world . I love you , Lee . ' Amanda blushed and tilted her head up just a little , still able to see the look in Lee 's eyes . They ordered their food and after a little while of small talk their dinner arrived . They both had a Caesar salads , shared Chicken Fettuccini and drank their Chardonnay . They drove to Lee 's apartment , to enjoy some private time together . They held hands and Amanda rested her head on his shoulder . Every once in a while she would pick up his hand , giving it a kiss . Lee was enjoying himself as well , and occasionally he would turn his head to give Amanda a soft kiss on the head . They both were enjoying their night together . Amanda thought about how lucky she was to have a wonderful man like Lee in her life . Amanda knew he had a very romantic side to him and today he had proved it . Throughout her day Lee had given her six roses and now she sat in the car holding two of those six . Lee on the other hand was thinking about how his plan was working . He was glad that work was light , giving them both the chance to leave the office early . Not only that , but he was relieved that Billy hadn 't given them another assignment . He knew that if he had , tonight wouldn 't have happened . When they walked into Lee 's apartment , Amanda found another surprise from her husband . She turned and gave him a hug and a kiss on the lips . " Lee , I can 't belieFriday 30th , late afternoon Q - Bureau " Amanda , I can 't believe it Friday afternoon and we have nothing to do . Maybe we could cutout of here early and go over to the apartment for a little preview of this weekend , " Lee said grinning . " Oh , Lee . " Amanda rose from her chair , walked over to Lee 's desk and sat on the corner of it . " You don 't NEED a preview , one more day and I 'm yours . Why don 't you and I leave here and go surprise the boys . We could pick them up from school and take them out for pizza . I 'm hungry since we skipped lunch . " " That sounds like a good idea , let 's go . " Lee got up and gave Amanda a passionate kiss that left them both breathless . Amanda turned around and walked to her desk to retreive her purse . Before she opened the drawer to her desk , the phone rang on Lee 's desk . He looked up into his wife 's eyes and gave her a apologetic half smile . " Amanda I really don 't want to answer this . " " I know you don 't Lee , neither do I , but it could be important . Also we really are supposed to be still here working , not cutting out early . " On the fourth ring Lee let out a big sigh and picked up the phone . " Stetson . . . . . . alright we 're on our way . " Lee hung the phone up , but couldn 't look over at his wife . " I knew it , why do I even suggest leaving early , we always get interrupted . I think next time I 'm not going to say anything , and just grab your hand , drag you outside and not turn back around . " " Well why don 't you come over here you can hold my hand for a moment while we make our way downstairs . Let 's go see what Billy wants and get it over with , " she said with less enthusiasm . Billy was standing at the entrance to his door waiting for Lee and Amanda . When he saw them enter the bullpen he turned around and went to go sit behind his desk . The couple walked into Billy 's office and sat down in the chairs right in front of the large desk . Lee could tell the look on his supervisor 's face that something was wrong . " Lee , " Billy addressed his best agent , knowing this news would surprise Lee , but hoped nothing would come out it and ruin the weekend he knew these two needed . " When Francine arrived back here after lunch today she mentioned that she ran into one of her old contacts . " Billy paused to take a breath and a sip of coffee before continuing . " This contact told her he found out the Dayanand twins are out of jail and are in the States . It seen they have been here for a few weeks , but nothing has happened so I am not too worried . Lee , I wanted to make sure you 're aware of this since you have a past with them . " " So this is nothing to worried about ? " Amanda asked , still not feeling total comfortable knowing someone was out there . She knew about some of the cases Lee had worked on before she started at the Agency , the Dayanand twins was one of them . " Amanda , don 't worry about it . I 'll have some agents posted at your house to keep an eye on things while you and Lee are out of town . Samir and Samrat have been in town for some time and haven 't tried anything . Let us worry about this . You have a good time and I 'll let you know the minute anything turns up . " Lee reached his hand over to Amanda 's and squeezed it , trying to let her know that he shared her concern too , " Amanda , we still have tomorrow . How about we leave here and pay a visit to one of my ' family ' , they may know something . " Lee and Amanda took off out of the agency and into the DC traffic in Lee 's car . " Where are we going ? " Amanda asked while reaching out a couple of her fingers to stroke her husband 's cheek . He turned his head and reached for her hand and kissed her palm before returning his eyes back on the road . " I thought we could head over to the gas station Rhonda works at . " " Hi Lee , " Rhonda said as she walked around the car to the driver 's side , wiping her hands with a rag and stuffing it back into her coveralls . " I get the feeling I know why you are here . " " You do ? " Lee was not surprised , " Well what can you tell me then . " " It is true , Samir and Samrat are in the DC area . I heard through the grapevine that Samir , the youngest of the two brothers ' , was seen at Rock Creek Park on Tuesday afternoon . But I have not heard if they are involved in anything illegal . " " Let me know if you hear anything . " With that Lee climbed back into the driver 's seat and eased the car back onto the road in front of them . " What do we do now Lee . " " We , go back to the house and surprise the boys . If I remember right , someone said they were hungry . " The rest of the drive to the house was talk about the upcoming weekend and time together . Both hoped nothing would stand in the way of time alone . " Yes Jamie , pizza sounds really good , " she said . As she sat her purse on the counter , digging for her checkbook , as she prepared for the delivery boy . " Well , since we 're waiting for dinner to arrive , Phillip and Jamie , why don 't you give your mother her present . " Dotty added . " I 'll get it , " Phillip jumped off the couch and ran up the stairs to his room . " Come over and sit on the couch mom . " Amanda sat on the couch with Jamie on her right and a space for Phillip on the left . Dotty sat in one of the chairs and Lee went behind the couch . He got on his knees and peered over Amanda 's shoulder to see what is going on . Hearing the noise of Phillip coming back downstairs caught Amanda 's attention so she turned her head to look up at him , catching a glimpse of a smiling Lee behind her . " Peeking over my shoulder again , Stetson ? " Lee did not get a chance to respond , instead he watched Phillip sit down and hand his mother her present . " Open it mom , it 's from Jamie and me . Grandma helped us find it . What she found was a book called Ten Percent of Life a spy / mystery book . Lee laughed knowing about Amanda and her spy books . " Thank you boys , " she gave them both a kiss on the head . Amanda then opened the present from Dotty and found a beautiful pale blue sweater . " Oh Mother , this is gorgeous . " She got up and gave Dotty a hug . Just then the doorbell rang , signaling the arrival of the birthday pizza . and it was time to eat . Lee walked into his apartment late Friday night after having spent the whole evening with Amanda and the boys and enjoying every minute of it . He slipped off his jacket and loosened his tie . Slightly exhausted Lee sat down at one end of his couch and stretched his long legs out towards the other end . Ten minutes later he fell into a deep sleep , dreaming of his wonderful family and the beautiful woman who gave him everything . " Oh man , talk about sore , I can 't believe I slept all night on this darn couch . I must had been tired " Lee thought as he rubbed his face with his hands , then stretched his left arm out over the back of the couch . His left hand banged hard on the answering machine . He looked over to see what he had hit , then noticed the flashing light on the machine . What he heard made him shake his head and smile , it was Amanda 's voice . " Hi Lee , I know you 're on your way home . I just wanted to say goodnight again and I love you . " He laid his left arm back across his body , closed his eyes and smiled at the thought of Amanda . Getting up could wait , for now . " Mom , when 's dad going to be here ? " Jamie asked , trying to be patient . " He said he would be here at 6 : 30 , the movie doesn 't start until 7 : 10 , you 'll have enough time . Do you have everything packed for the weekend ? " Amanda mused . Her thoughts were more towards Lee , and she wondered where he was taking her for the weekend . He had been very insistent about keeping this a secret from her . Amanda smiled at the comment she remembered him saying , " No Amanda I am not telling you . Keeping secrets is part of our job . " Jamie 's answer had brought her back from the small daydream of Lee . " Yes mom I have everything , mine and Phillip 's bags are by the front door . " Jamie grabbed his book off the bookshelf and sat down on the couch , decided that reading was a good idea to pass the time . He was so excited , as he was finally seeing the movie Spaceballs . He did not want to go trick or treating , as he told Amanda that he is to old to do that . At the same time as he sat down Phillip opened his bedroom door , " Mom , " he yelled . " Can you help me with my costume ? This is hard to do . " " Just a minute sweetheart . " Amanda put the last few dishes in the dishwasher , closed it and started for the stairs . She stopped abruptly at the sight of her mother descending from the stairs . " Oh my gosh ! " She said , just above a whisper . Dotty put her hand up before Amanda was able to say anything else , " I can 't believe I let Kurt talk me into wearing this costume . I swear , next time that man loses a bet with his friends I will not agree to something like this , " she said exasperated . Amanda continued up to the boys ' room , having almost forgotten that Phillip needed help . Seeing her mother dressed as Agent 99 , from the old show " Get Smart " had caught her off guard . About 10 minutes later there was a knock at the fron door . Dotty went to answer it , knowing it could be one of three people . Kurt was due to arrive any minute , Joe was running a couple minutes late picking up Jamie and Lee was coming over to pick Amanda up . She couldn 't understand why someone had to " Yes I will . What time ? " " The party gets over at 10 : 30 . You remember where Linda Montez lives , don 't you ? If not Jamie can help you . " " Well , Jamie we better get going so we can make it to the movie theater in time . " " Okay dad . " Jamie got up from the couch and put away his book . He walked into the kitchen and said his good - bye 's to Lee and Dotty . " Have fun Jamie , " Lee said . " Be good , " Dotty added . Amanda walked Jamie and Joe to the front door to say her good - bye 's . " Jamie grab your things , Joe this is Phillip 's stuff . Are you sure you both have everything ? " " Yes mom , " they both said . Jamie was right next to Amanda and Phillip was on his way back up to his room , he had rubbed his face a little bit and Dotty was going to help him fix his make - up . As the door opened Amanda put her hand on Joe 's arm , " Thank you for taking the boys this weekend . Mother will have the phone number of where will are , if you need to get a hold of me . " Joe patted her hand and gave her a kiss on the cheek , " Don 't worry , I can get the all the information from Dotty if I need it . I hope you have fun and I 'll see you on Wednesday . " He sighed with a painful regret , knowing things did not happen the way he had planned . That jealousy part was there again and Joe knew he needed to do something about it . It didn 't make sense either . He was married to a woman he loved very much , Carrie meant the world to him . ' So this jealousy thing is just crazy , ' he thought . As Amanda closed the front door she turned to came face to face with her smiling husband . She knew that her mother and Phillip were up in Phillip 's room . So she slid her arms up his chest , with a mischievous grin , and gave him a knee - knocking , earth - shattering kiss . " Now that is a better greeting ! " Lee said breathless . He started nibbling on her neck , as he did not want to break contact , but Amanda pulled back reminding him that now was not the time to start something they couldn 't continue . Their contact was finally broken when Phillip came walking to the front door . " Mom , I think I am ready tBy 7 : 30pm that night everyone else had left the house which left Lee and Amanda alone , until the time came for them to leave for the airport . Normally Lee would have whisked Amanda earlier in the day , but this time he had planned to arrive at the hotel late , just in case something had come up . Lee led Amanda over to the couch , he was still laughing when they had sat down and Amanda knew why . When Kurt had shown up at the house , Lee had whispered in Amanda 's ear , " My mother - in - law , a spy . She 'd probably make a good one too . " Amanda had given him a look and could not resist from joining him in his quiet laugher . Lee finally gave in to Amanda 's questions about where they were going . " Caesars Paradise Stream Resort in Pocono Mountains , " she repeated in shock about her wonderful husband 's plan . Lee nodded his head in agreement . He loved to surprise her and make her smile . The whole evening had gone well , heck the whole week had gone by without any major incident . Lee mused as he sipped his wine Amanda had given him earlier . He wrote down the phone number of the hotel for Dotty and Amanda made sure she had everything for their time away . As they were on their way out the door to leave , Amanda heard the phone ring . Sighing , she went back into the kitchen to answer the phone . Lee tried to protest her efforts , " Amanda , please don 't answer it . I do not want anything to . . . . . " was all he got out before he heard her voice say " Hello " . Lee dropped the bags , with a loud thud , by the front door and started for the kitchen . He could hear the tone of her voice and knew that something was wrong . " Lee , it 's Billy , " she said handing the phone off to him and moving in front of the window by the sink . She stared out into the backyard while she listened to Lee on the phone . " Scarecrow , " Billy had a hint of worry in his voice . " Yes . " Lee stood there , not wanting to be on the phone . " Rhonda called for you a few minutes ago . Mrs Marston told her you were gone , but she was very insistent so I accepted the call . Rhonda told me the Dayanand bAs soon as Lee had stopped the car Amanda jumped out of it and ran up to the front door . Joe noticed that they arrived at a two - story pale blue house . The house didn 't seem familiar to Joe , until he noticed the blonde haired lady come outside . " Oh Amanda , " Susan Montez started . " We still can 't find Phillip . Linda said she walked from the garage to the house and thought she saw two shadows , but that is it . " Susan was almost in tears at this time , she felt so responsible for what had happened . By this time Lee and Joe had joined the two lady 's . Lee whispered into Amanda 's ear , " I 'm going to call Billy , I get the feeling Samir and Samrat are behind this . I 'm so sorry that this happened , Amanda . " He gave her a weak smile and walked to his car to make his phone call . Billy , Francine and Agent Thompson showed up not to long after Lee 's phone call . Amanda still had not said a word and that scared Lee . ' Family is so important to her . The boys mean so much to me , I love them and I will do anything in power to protect them . Oh Amanda , I 'm sorry , ' he mused . He stood at the entrance into the kitchen just staring at his wife . Susan Montez was trying her best to help , she kept her daughter 's party going and reassured all the kids that everything is okay . They had almost called the party off , due to the circumstance . But , Billy had told them ' just as long as they keep everything and everyone in the garage ' , which is where they party is all set up at , everything would be fine . Susan agreed , thinking the whole time that these people in her house were the police . So now the only people in the house were Billy and Lee in the kitchen , Amanda on the couch and Joe pacing the floor in the living room . Francine and Thompson were searching the backyard for any clues and asking the kids if they know anything . Joe had been pacing back and forth since they walked into the house . Every trip he made his anger grew . Finally he couldn 't handle it anymore , he needed to release the energy somehow . He saw Lee going over to the couch to sit with Amanda , but Joe stopped him before he could reach her . " IT ' S ALL YOUR FAULT , STETSON ! " He started with his teeth clenched together . " I knew this day would come sometime . You have put Amanda in danger so many times , I know I have no control over what she does , BUT now you have put my sons in danger . I think they would all be better off if you were not a part of their lives . " Amanda never looked up , her head was in her hands the whole time . Lee was getting pissed off at Joe . He had been keeping his temper in tact , but right now Joe was really pushing it . Lee wanted to be there for Amanda and he knew getting into a argument would not help her one bit . He tried to go around Joe to comfort his wife . Joe grabbed his arm , making Lee turn around , " Why don 't you go back into the kitchen to talk to Mr . Melrose and find Phillip . You have no idea what it 's like being a father , worrying about them all the time . I may have not been here for them like I should have , but you will never understand what it 's like . So go in there , get my son back NOW and then stay out of our lives . " " Let go of my arm and don 't tell me what to do , Joe . " Joe , stop it , " Amanda suddenly yelled . " Lee is as concerned about the boys safety , just as you are . " She got up from the couch and grabbed Lee 's left hand in her right one . " There is no excuse for you acting like this towards Lee . I think you need to go outside and cool off before I have you removed out of this house . In fact , I 'd like you to remember that this is not my house . We are guests here . Meanwhile , I would like to sit down with my husband and see if they have any information on Phillip ! " Joe stopped dead in his tracks , not to sure if he had heard her correctly , " Your husband ? " Amanda did not realize her mistake at first until Joe made that comment . She looked up into Lee 's eyes and he gave her a nod , " Yes Joe , my husband . We were married last Februrary . " " Februrary , I can 't believe you ! Why ? Where ? Wait , I don 't want to know right now . I can not believe that you , Amanda King would do this ! " " Joe , " Lee tried to interrupt him . " Stetson don 't start , " he warned , pointing a finger at Lee . " Alright Joe , " Amanda , having calmed down , got in between the two men . " I really do think you need to go outside and cool off . You two fighting is not going to help get Phillip back . " Joe let out a big sigh and left the room to head outside . As he reached the door he looked back over to Lee and Amanda , a sign of regret written all over his face . Joe had known that Lee would be around , but he hadn 't thought it would be permanent . Yes , he has Carrie , but Amanda would always be his first true love . Joe hung his head and closed the door behind him . Pacing back and forth , back and forth . That is all Lee could do for the next five minutes . He couldn 't believe what had just transpired . They had never discussed telling Joe . " Then on the other hand , I guess telling him can 't hurt . I really doubt he will say anything to anyone . So everything will be okay . " He mumbled under his breath . Finally , he stopped his pacing and looked at Amanda . He realized that she had not moved one inch since Joe left . " Amanda , do you realize what you justHe relayed the information that the kidnappers and Phillip had been involved in a car accident , just shortly after leaving the house . Billy was not able to tell them Phillip 's condition , all he knew was he is okay and that he was at Arlington Hospital . " Thank you , Billy , " Amanda said after hearing about her son . She turned to Lee . " Let 's go . " Opening the front door to leave for the hospital , Lee and Amanda found Joe sitting on the front steps of the house . He looked up to see who had come out the door , Amanda knelt down and told Joe about Phillip and the car accident . " Amanda , Lee , " Joe rose up , still unsure of himself . " I want to apologize for what happened . I know I shouldn 't have taken this out on you Lee . " He put his right hand on his ex - wife 's left arm , " Amanda , I really am glad you and Lee found each other . Just take good care of her , Lee , she is one of a kind . " He looked the agent in the eye . " Trust me Joe , I plan on it , " Lee replied , turning his head towards Amanda . He gave her a warm smile and wrapped his arm around her , resting his hand on the small of her back . " Joe , I am sorry I didn 't tell you about Lee and . . . . . " " Hey Amanda , don 't worry about it . I get the feeling you two had your reasons , we can discuss that at another time . You go to Phillip , I will be there in a few minutes . I want to call Carrie and Jamie , let them know what is going on . Also to apologize to Jamie for missing the movie tonight . " The drive to the hospital was quiet , Amanda sat there and thought about everything that had happened that evening . She knew this was a night she wanted to forget . She was happy to hear Joe apologize and hoped that things between him and Lee will get better . Still was worried about Phillip and kept that to herself , but Lee knew , he always could tell when things bugged her . Lee and Amanda arrived at the hospital with Billy and Francine arriving behind them . Amanda checked with the front desk to find out which was Phillip 's room , and Billy inquired as to which rooms held his prisoners . Lee had overhead the Lee would not look at his boss , and friend , his eyes were set on the double doors in front of him that lead into the kidnappers room . " I think I am going to have a little talk with Samir and Samrat . " " Oh no you don 't , Lee , " Billy could tell by his rigid form and clouded eyes , that sending him into that room was not a good idea . " You can talk to them later , when you have calmed down . For now why don 't you go be with Amanda , see how Phillip is doing . " Lee still did not move for a minute . Then he finally looked at Billy , then down the hall from where he had just come from . He could still see Amanda standing there looking at him . By then Joe had shown up and was standing next to her , along with Francine . He could tell by the look in her eyes and her facial expression , that she needed him with her . He sighed , " You 're right , I 'll be with my wife if you need me . " He turned around and headed back to Amanda , and passing Francine who was headed for Billy . Once at his wife 's side he gave her a brief hug . Billy could not hear him say anything to her , but guessed that it was something good when he saw the smile on Amanda 's face . The small group went to find Phillip and Billy just stood there watching them . He saw Lee wrap his arm around Amanda 's shoulder and said to himself , " Everything will be ok . " " I beg your pardon , Billy ? " Francine asked , unable to hear his words . He shook his head and smiled at the blond woman . " Oh nothing , just nothing , Francine . Come on , we 've still got work to do , you know . " Billy and Francine continued their journey in the opposite direction Amanda , Lee and Joe quietly entered Phillip 's room . They still had no idea as to the extent of his injuries , but had been told by a nurse that he was in no danger , just a few minor injuries and the doctor will be in shortly . " Mom , Dad , Lee , hi . " Phillip tried to sit up . " Hi Phillip , " Lee and Joe said back . Amanda went to sit on the side of the bed to help her son , " Oh , sweetheart I was so worried , are you okay ? " He nodded . Lee and Joe were standing on opposite sides of the bed , not knowing what to say . Just then the doctor came in and introduced himself , " Hi , I am Doctor Kelley . Well , Phillip , you 're looking a lot better . " " I 'm feeling a little better than earlier , my hand still really hurts . " " Doctor , " Joe said . " What 's wrong with his hand ? " " Well he has a fractured wrist and a little bruising across his lower abdomen , from his seatbelt . X - rays look great , but we do need a cast on his arm . Then after that he can be released . He needs to take it easy for a while so his body can heal , then in a few weeks the cast can come off . " Amanda did not rise from the side of the bed , but she extended her hand out to the doctor . " Thank you . " The fear and anxiety finally left her body . Her son was okay and the kidnappers had been arrested . The doctor nodded , smiled and left the room . Amanda looked up to Lee and he leaned in and whispered in her ear , " I will be right back , I 'm going to go talk to Billy . " She nodded in acknowledgement and he left . Joe stayed in the room with Amanda and Phillip . He told them that he wanted to stick around and take Phillip home with him like it had been orginally planned . " Don 't worry about him Amanda , I will make sure he takes it easy . That way you and Lee still go for your weekend . " " Oh my gosh Joe , I forgot all about that . Excuse me both of you , Phillip I will be right back . I need to speak to Lee . " Amanda hurried up and left out the door in search of her husband . Amanda walked up to the nurse 's station to find out where Lee had gone . After she was told , she headed down the corridor , only to find out standing a few feet from a doorway , talking to Billy . She could tell that Lee was not angry , actually he had a big smile on his face . ' I wonder what they are talking about , ' she thought . Billy disappeared back through the door before Amanda got there , but Lee stayed where he was , still grinning broadly . " So what is making you smile like that , or should I be scared ? " she teased . " Well , since tonight did not go as planned . Billy made a few phone calls . We get an extra day off and the hotel is saving our room for us to arrive tomorrow . So Mrs . Stetson , when Phillip is all done and we finally leave here , I get you all to myself until Thursday night . " Lee raised an eyebrow up and down , Amanda just laughed at him . " And just what do you plan on doing with me for all those days ? " " Oh trust me my dear , I could think of a lot of things . Like . . . . " " Whoa Lee , let 's get Phillip out of here first . Then later we can discuss this . " Amanda grabbed at his jacket to pull him back to Phillips room . Lee just shook his head and sighed , ' Man she 's great , a tease , but great ' . Sunday late afternoon found Lee and Amanda sitting in front a warm fireplace , glasses of champagne in their hands and soft music in the background . " Oh Lee , I can 't believe this . We are actually away , no family , no bad guys just us . And this room , you are going to spoil me . " " This little room ? " He said with a smirk . " Little ? Oh come on , what did the receptionist say the name of this room was ? The Garden of Eden Apple Room ? Lee , this place is big . " Amanda was still amazed at what Lee had done for her . This room has so many amenities he just wanted to pamper her . Who could say no to a room all done up in rich tones of burgundy and cream , a heart - shaped whirlpool bath , beautiful view and so many outside activities . " Thank you for doing this , Lee , " as Amanda raised her glass to him . " You are most welcome . I love you , Amanda Stetson . " They clinked their glasses together and took another drink . " I love you , too , " Amanda whispered . She leaned in and gave him a kiss , but with him , one was never good enough as they continued showing each other just how much in love they really were with the other . THE END

These are 42 timeless tales of inspiring wisdom . They are stories of life , love and learning . They open our heart , rekindle our spirits and buoy our emotions . They are a tribute to life and humanity . Many stories will leave the reader with a feeling of tenderness and a moistness in the eye . The Mountain Trail is the inspiring story of a blind boy who feels he is no good . Then one day in 1857 , as the British launch a fierce attack on the troops of Tantia Tope , this little boy , unmindful of the risks , leads the forces of the latter up a hill . This changes the course of the battle . I 'll Always Be There , Run , Pammi , Run , No Greater Friendship , Two War Heroes , and many other 's are stories of courage , love and compassion . The Cripple Who Became a Champion and Overcoming Difficulties are stories of people with no hope ; yet by sheer hard work and perseverance , they achieve what they sought . Man at His Best exemplifies the spirit of this book - Man is basically good . The Mountain Trail This is the inspiring story of a blind boy who feels he is no good . He lived in a small world of herding his father 's goats . Then one day in 1857 , his father and elder brother leave to join the troops of Tantia Tope ( one of the Indian leaders who is fighting the British rulers ) . As the boy feels sad , forlorn and helpless , a quirk of fate brings him face to face with Tantia Tope , the leader of the Indian army . As a herdsman , he leads the troops of the latter up a hill . This changes the course of the battle . In reality this battle took place in 1857 near Jhansi , a small town of Uttar Pradesh . I spent my childhood in Jhansi and there was a hill opposite our house . A poor blind boy lived in our outhouse and was my great friend . He played the flute beautifully . This story was inspired by this childhood friendship . . - Author Sukhram Lodhi sat leaning against a rock , his turban over his eyes , the warmth of the sun on his bare feet . His feet told him where he was . They knew the feel of the sand and the stones , and the different kinds of grass . To his right a bird twittered . It seemed to Sukhram that he knew what it was saying . Because he was blind , the birds and beasts let him into their world , made him a party in it . He never spoke of this except to his brother Rajbir and his grandfather Shivpriya Chauhan . They never laughed at him for his fancies . Sukhram was fourteen and he knew that people were sorry for him . But he thought , if only they could guess how beautiful his world was , they would envy him . Most people did not know about the little rustlings in the grass . They did not know the feel of things , round things like eggs , and water - worm stones , rough things like rocks , or of leather , or of skins . They did not know anything about smells . They went through life with blind noses . Sukhram spent his time herding his father 's hundred goats . He knew them by the sound of their cloven hoofs on the stones by their smell . It was easy to herd goats . When Sukhram called , they came . When he played the flute , they followed him over his father 's fields and hills ' beyond . There was less heat in the sun now . It was time to go . Sukhram got out his flute , raised it to his lips , and blew a note softly . He could feel a movement about him . The goats had raised their heads and were looking towards him . He blew again . The goats were all about him . Now he would play them down the mountain and into the shelter , and tomorrow he would lead them out again . It was a happy life . But while he had been on the mountain that day Rani Lakshmi Bai , the queen of Jhansi , declared war on the English and was joined by the indomitable Tantia Tope . He found his father and Rajbir saddling their horses . They kissed him goodbye , their rifles pressing into his chest as they held him . As the sound of hoofs faded into the distance , he felt his mother beside him . She put her armabout him . " What will we do now , amma ? " he asked . " But it will be dark there . I do not know those fields and how shall I graze my father 's goats in a strange place where it 's dark ? " For the first time he knew what it was to be blind . In the morning the horses were hitched to the wagon , and the loose , cattle and goats were collected for the fifteen kilometer trek . " Come Sukhram , " his mother said . " We are ready . " He had a long parcel wrapped in sacking . " I ambringing my brother 's other rifle , " he said . " They say my eyes are clear and black . If anything happened to us , you could stand me right with the gun in my hand , and no one would know . " Sukhram got up beside his mother . Suddenly he said , " I am nothing amma . I am going to a strange place that my feet do not know , and I am nothing . " As the wheels turned , he knew this more than ever . When they reached there , his grandfather had gone - everyone , all the old men and the boys as well . Sukhram alone was left . There was nothing to do but wait . Day after day it was the same , never any news . Sukhram was finding his way about his grandfather 's farm better now , but it was not home . He did not belong here . One day some soldiers passed , tired men on tired horses . Sukhram listened . The shuffling of the horses , the sweaty smell of men , told him all that he needed to know . He could hear the jingling of chains , the strike of metal on metal . These were English . They must be in pursuit of the tired men who had passed him earlier . " You 'll get nothing out of that , boy , " another man said , " but they came this way all right and have gone towards the hills . They can 't be far away . Their horses are tired . " The soldiers swirled past Sukhram . There were , as far as he could make out , some thirty of them . But if there was one troop of English cavalry , there would be more , He strained his ears , waiting . It would come soon . It came , a single shot . Three more , singly - - - those were his people . The English did not shoot like that . They did not fight like his folk , in small bodies . Their shots were faster now . They were fighting a running action towards the mountain . He began to be afraid for Rajbir and his father . " Yes , I saw them , amma , he said . " They spoke to me . They were following some soldiers that were going to join Tantia Tope . Father and Rajbir are there . " " Yes amma , it is hard to live without news . It is hard also to be a man and to be here . Today I was ashamed . First to face our folk and then to face the English . I told our people but I did not tell the English . They did not know that I could not see . Oh amma , is there nothing I can do ? " That night Sukhram could not sleep . It seemed as if by not sleeping , by suffering , by thinking , he could help the others . So he built up a battle in his head - - - - - by the feel of the sweating necks , imagining of horses , by the smell of men like those who had passed that day , by the sound of rifle bolts , the reek of exploding cordite , the crackle of shots , the sound of hoofs , and the rattle of claims . Suddenly he sprang up . " Amma , amma " he shouted . " I have had a dream . It is my brother on horse back . He is riding hard . " He ran to his mother . He felt her sitting up in bed . " The gun " , he said , " Get me the gun ! " She pushed the rifle into his hand . He opened the bolt and closed it . The cartridge slid into the breech . He found the door and opened it . The approaching horse had not slowed down . Sukhram went towards the horse and felt for his brother 's leg . He held the stirrup with one hand and put his foot into it . His brother had his left hand . He was up . He had hardly got hold of his brother 's waist when the horse was off . They were galloping . It began to rain . Where were they going ? What was he to do ? What use could he be to Tantia Tope . " We are nearly there , " Rajbir said . He pulled up . " I am back , " Rajbir shouted . Sukhram felt his brother 's arms around him . He lifted him down . " Listen , Sukhram , " Tantia Tope said . " We are a hundred men . The English are to the north and a big commando is driving them back . The English do not know we are here and are retreating towards the river crossing that we are holding . " " Yes , " said Tantia Tope . " But something has gone wrong . A force of English has got to the top of the mountain by another way . We command the crossing but they command us . We are going to attack them tonight but there is only one path from this side . It is very small , a goat track , and the night is so dark that we can do nothing . Your brother said you could lead us up the mountain . " They set his feet on the path where it began . His father was behind him ; then came Rajbir , and then the others , a long life of men on his goat trail , all following him up his mountain . He was leading the soldiers . " This is a trail for goats , " his father whispered . " I never knew you came up here . I would never have let you come . If you slipped … " He laughed to himself . Perhaps it was as well it was dark . Had there been more light , perhaps the men would not have climbed . But they could not see . Among them all , because he was blind , only Sukhram Lodhi could see . " We are nearly there father , " he said as he came to the face of a cliff . He felt for a finger hold in the wet rock and command to climb . Soon he and his father were on the top . Man after man passed , breathing heavily . There had been no challenge . Tantai Tope whispered instructions . The men spread out . There was a shout and then another . Then everyone was shouting and shooting . There were cries from the wounded . Shots and more shots , a hoarse cheer from Tantia Tope 's men and the shout : " They are running ! " There was a terrific burst of fire . Sukhram could smell burning cordite . A single shot and then nothing till he heard his father call him . " Sukhram , are you there ? " Someone took his hand . It was Tantai Tope . " I want to thank you , " he said . " Without you this could not have been done , and had it been a fair night , I do not think it could have been done . I do not think we would have faced that climb had we been able to see . " They were all around him now , pressing against him and taking his hand . They had tears in their eyes . " If it had not been for you … " " They will make songs of this , " an old man said . " Ballads of Sukhram Lodhi in our local ' bundeli ' dialect . It was the will of God that you should lead us up the mountain trail . " Yes , it must have been the will of God that had guided his feet in unaccustomed places , for he had never been up to the top of the mountain before . His goats had been - - - - he knew that , for he could feel their foothold in the rocks . But Sukhram had never been . He had never dared . Not to the top . After the traumatic initial shock , he remembered the promise he had made to his son : " No matter what , I 'll always be there for you ! " And tears began to fill his eyes . As he looked at the pile of debris that once was the school , it looked hopeless but he kept remembering his commitment to his son . As he was digging , other forlorn parents arrived , clutching their hearts , saying : " My son ! My daughter ! " . Other well meaning parents tried to pull him off of what was left of the school saying : The fire chief showed up and tried to pull him away from the school 's debris saying , " Fires are breaking out , explosions are happening everywhere . You 're in danger . We 'll take care of it . Go home . " To which this loving , caring Armenian father asked , " Are you going to help me now ? " The police came and said , " You 're angry , distraught and it 's over . You 're endangering others . Go home . We 'll handle it ! " To which he replied , " Are you going to help me now ? " No one helped . He dug for eight hours . . . 12 hours . . . 24 hours . . . 36 hours . . . then , in the 38th hour , he pulled back a boulder and heard his son 's voice . He screamed his son 's name , " ARMAND ! " He heard back , " Dad ? It 's me , Dad ! I told the other kids not to worry . I told them that if you were alive , you 'd save me and when you saved me , they 'd be saved . You promised , ' No matter what , I 'll always be there for you ! ' You did it , Dad ! " . " There are 14 of us left out of 33 , Dad . We 're scared , hungry , thirsty and thankful you 're here . When the building collapsed , it made a wedge , like a triangle , and it saved us . " " No , Dad ! Let the other kids out first , because I know you 'll get me ! No matter what , I know you 'll always be there for me ! " Ajay who was ten , worshipped Mrs . Kumar - a tall , slen ­ der woman whose face normally wore a serene smile . He had felt this way ever since , in front of the whole class , she had tousled his hair and told him he knew the answer ; he must simply think . Beet red but grinning , Ajay had thought hard - and solved the problem . From then on , pleasing her was the most important thing in his life . Now , what had happened ? Where had he gone wrong ? At home after school , Ajay studied his reflection in the mirror for a clue to Mrs . Kumar 's disapproval . His ragged clothes and worn out tennis shoes - hardly sufficient to shield him from the cold - were not his fault . It was the winter of 1953 at Lucknow . Ajay Prasad 's father worked as a foreman in an iron found ­ ry until 1950 when the factory closed and he was laid off . While his father searched for work , his mother worked as a part - time domestic servant . The family , then with four chil ­ dren , lived in an old three - room house . The rats that scrab ­ bled in the dark , decaying floors terrified Ajay . Mrs . Kumar couldn 't know about the rats , could she ? Ajay was mystified . He was a good student , and had done well for someone who spoke no English until he started going to school . That night , as he huddled under his covers , Ajay decided he would ask his teacher what was wrong . But the next morning , Ajay 's resolve melted like an icicle in sunshine . At noon , as he was about to go home , Mrs . Kumar suddenly appeared beside him in the verandah of the school . " Come with me , Ajay . " Ajay followed , thinking they were going to the Principal 's office . " Have you got a pair of shoes to fit this little boy ? " she asked . The salesman took off his tattered tennis shoes and measured his feet . He found a pair of shoes that fitted Ajay perfectly . Outside , their purchase in a cardboard box , Ajay started back towards school . Without a word , Mrs . Kumar turned around in the other direction , again leaving him no choice but to follow . They entered a clothing store . Now Mrs . Kumar bought him a shirt and shorts . Ajay gaped at the notes she used to pay for them - it was more money than he had ever seen . They took the purchases and went back to school where Mrs . Kumar got two cups of tea for Ajay and herself . As they sat in the staff room , Ajay tried to find words to express his thanks . But Mrs . Kumar 's quick gulps and hur ­ ried manner told him there was little time for talk . " We must go , Ajay , " she said . In her smile he again saw the serenity he treasured . In August 1991 , Ajay Prasad wrote to his old school . A few days later he got a letter from Mrs . Kumar 's son . His mother and father had retired fifteen years ago and moved to Dehradun . He gave Ajay their telephone number . After he told her why he was calling , Sheila Kumar said , " Ajay , I am sorry . I don 't remember you . There were so many hungry , ill - clothed children . . . . " On September twenty three , Ajay Prasad took a train to Dehradun . There he hired a taxi , bought a bouquet of long - stemmed roses and drove straight to the Kumar 's residence . Sheila Kumar met him at the door in her best saree , her grey hair freshly curled , her eyes sparkling . Ajay swept her up in his arms and hugged her . " Oh my Ajay , " Mrs . Kumar ex ­ claimed . They sat in the Kumar 's drawing - room to catch up on forty years . Ajay told them about his life as an engineer , where all he worked , his wife and his two children . " I often thought about you , those shoes and the clothes , " he said to Mrs . Kumar . " Just think how much interest I owe you for the shoes and clothes , " Ajay squeezed her hand . Mrs . Kumar , eyes misty , stood a long time looking at the long stemmed roses in the flower vase . Their fragrance lingered for a long time in the room . People from the village requested medical help from a neighbouring town that had radio contact with the Indian army . Finally , an army doctor , a Tamilian and a Malayan ' nurse arrived in a jeep with only their medical kits . They realized that the girl was the most critically injured . Without quick action she would die of shock and loss of blood . The doctor and the nurse spoke some pidgin Assamese . Using that combination , together with much impromptu sign language , they tried to explain to their young , frightened audience that unless they could replace some of the girl 's lost blood , she would certainly die . Then they asked if anyone would be willing to give blood ! " Dev Kant " , came the reply . Dev Kant was quickly laid on a pallet , his arm swabbed with alcohol and a needle inserted in his vein . Through this ordeal Dev Kant lay stiff and silent . " Is it hurting Dev Kant ? " the doctor asked . Dev Kant shook his head but after a few moments another sob escaped and once more he tried to cover up his crying . Again the doctor asked him if the needle hurt and again Dev Kant shook his head . But now his occasional sobs gave way to a steady , silent crying , his eyes screwed tightly shut , his fist in his mouth to stifle his sobs . The medical team was concerned . Something was obviously very wrong . At this point a nurse knowing Assamese arrived in another jeep to help . Seeing the little one 's distress she spoke to him in Assamese , listened to his reply and answered him in a soothing voice . Glancing up , the nurse said quietly to the doctor , " He thought he was dying . He misunderstood you . He thought you had asked him to give all his blood so the little girl could live . " High above the earth on its giant lattic towers , the power line strode across the flat and unchanging countryside until it dis - appeared . One of the great pylons was near his father 's hut in a square patch fenced off with barbed wire . Warning plates in red paint said in two languages . ' Danger ! ' And there was a huge figure of volts , thousands of volts . Hira Lal was eleven and he knew volts were electricity and the line took power far across the country . Hira Lal filled the empty spaces in his life by imagining things and the power line took his thoughts away into a magical distance , far off among tall buildings and bustling towns . That was where the world opened up . Hira Lal loved the power line dearly . It made a door through the distance for his thoughts . On clear evenings when the sparrows gathered he would see the wires like necklaces of glass beads . He loved to hear the birds making excited twittering sounds ; he loved to see how they fell off the aluminium wire into space . The birds could fly anywhere they wanted and they opened another door for him . He liked them too , very much . He watched the sparrows one morning taking off and occasionally coming back on the power lines . One of the sparrows , however got entrapped , hanging there flapping its wings . Hira Lal saw it was caught by its leg . He wondered how it could have got caught , may be in the wire binding or at a joint . He wanted to rush and tell his mother , but she would scold him for being late for school . So he climbed on his bicycle and rode off to school . Coming back from school he felt anxious but did not look up until he was quite near . The sparrow was still there , its wings spread but not moving . It was dead , he guessed . Then he saw it flutter and fold its wings . He felt awful to think it had hung there all day . The boy went in and called his mother and they stood below the power line and looked at the bird . The mother shaded her eyes with her hand . It is a pity , she said , but she was sure it would free itself somehow . " It 's going to hang there all night by its foot , " he said . His mother sighed and put out the light . The next day was Sunday and he did not have to go to school . First thing , he looked out and the bird was still there . He would rather have been at school instead of knowing all day that it was hanging up there on the cruel wire . When he was coming in at midday , he had one more look and what he saw kept him standing there a long time with his mouth open . Other sparrows were hovering around the trapped bird , trying to help it . He rushed inside and dragged his mother out and she stood shading her eyes again . In the afternoon Hira Lal lay in the grass and felt choked thinking how they helped it and nobody else would do anything . His parents would not even talk about it . With his keen eyes he traced the way a climber could get up the tower . But if you did get up , what then ? How could you touch the sparrow ? Just putting your hand near the wire , wouldn 't those thousands of volts jump at you ? Leaving for school the next morning , Hira Lal tried not to look up . But he couldn 't help it and there was the sparrow spreading and closing its wings . He got on his bicycle and rode as fast as he could . He could not think of anything but the trapped bird on the power line . Hira Lal peered through the gate and saw some men off duty sitting in the sun playing cards . He called to them and a thin man in white shirt came over . Hira Lal explained what he wanted . If they would switch off the current then he could go up and save the sparrow . The man smiled broadly and clicked his tongue . His name , he said was Ram Bharose . He was just a maintenance man and he couldn 't switch off the current . But he unlocked the gate and let Hira Lal in . " Ask them in there , " he said , grinning . Then the man tried to explain . How could they cut off the power ? The factories would stop , hospitals would go dark in the middle of an operation . Hira Lal was concerned about the sparrow but things like that just happened and that was life . The balding man smiled . He took down Hira Lal 's name and address and he said , " You 've done your best , Hira Lal . I 'm sorry , I can 't promise you anything . " Hira Lal got home hours later and his mother was frantic . He lied to her saying he had been detained after school . He did not have the stomach to look for the sparrow . He felt so bad about it because they were all letting it die . And that was life , the man said . It must have been the middle of the night when he woke up . His mother was next to him and the light was on . " There 's a man come to see you , " she said . A linesman and a truck driver came up . The linesman explained to Hira Lal 's father that a maintenance switch - down had been ordered at minimum load hour . He wanted to be shown where the bird was . Hira Lal glanced , frightened , at his father who nodded and said , " show him " . Hira Lal went in the truck with the man , the driver and Ram Bharose . It took them only five minutes to get the truck in position under the tower and run up the extension ladder . Ram Bharose hooked a chain in his belt and switched on his flash ¬ light . He swung out on the ladder and began running up it as if he had no weight at all . Up level with the pylon insulators , his flashlight picked out the sparrow hanging on the dead wire . He leaned over and carefully worked the bird 's tiny claw loose from the wire binding , and then he put the sparrow in the breast pocket of his shirt . In a minute he was down and he took the bird out and handed it to the boy . Hira Lal was almost speechless holding the sparrow and feeling its slight quiver . In the light of the flashlight he could see its pale brown throat , and that meant it was a young bird . Hira Lal held the sparrow in his cupped hands and it lay there quietly with the tips of its wings crossed . Suddenly it took two little jumps and spread its slender wings . Frantically its wings beat the air and it seemed to be dropping to the ground . Then it skimmed forward just above the grass and Hira Lal remembered long afterwards how , when it really took wing and gained height , that it gave a little shiver of happiness . He was in the third standard . All thirty four of Mrs . Passi 's students were dear to her but Vinod Chowdhry was one in a thousand . Very neat in appearance , he had that happy - to - ¬ alive attitude that made even his occasional mischievousness delightful . Vinod also talked incessantly . Mrs . Passi had to remind him again and again that talking without permission was not acceptable . What impressed her very much though , was his sincere response every time she had to correct him for misbehaving . Mrs . Passi walked to her desk , very deliberately opened the drawer and took out a roll of adhesive tape . Without saying a word , she proceeded to Vinod 's desk , tore off two pieces of tape and made a big X with them over his mouth . She then returned to the front of the room . As she glanced at Vinod to see how he was doing , he winked at her . That did it ! She started laughing . The entire class cheered as she walked back to Vinod 's desk , remove the tape , and shrug her shoulders . His first words were , " Thank you for correcting me , Ma ' am . " At the end of the year , Mrs . Passi was asked to teach advanced maths and Vinod 's class moved higher . Six years flew by and before she knew it , Vinod was in her class room again . He was more handsome than ever and just as polite . Since he had to listen carefully to her instruction in the ' new maths ' , he did not talk as much in the ninth standard as he had in the third . One Friday , things just didn 't feel right . The class had worked hard on a new concept all week , and Mrs . Passi sensed that the students were growing frustrated with them ¬ selves and edgy with one another . She had to stop this crank ¬ iness before it got out of hand . So she asked them to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper , leaving a space between each name . Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down . That Saturday Mrs . Passi wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper , and she listed what everyone else had said about that individual . On Monday she gave each student his or her list . Some of them ran to two pages . Before long the entire class was smiling . No one ever mentioned those papers in class again . Mrs . Passi never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents but it didn 't matter . The exercise had accom ­ plished her purpose . The students were happy with them ­ selves and one another again . That group of students moved on . Several years later , after Mrs . Passi returned from a visit to her brother 's house , her parents met her at the railway station . As they were driving home , her mother asked the usual questions about the trip , the weather , her experiences in general . There was a slight lull in the conversation , mother gave father a sideways glance and simply said , " Dad ? " Mrs . Passi 's father cleared his throat as he usually did before saying something important . " The Chowdhry 's called last night , " he began . Father responded quietly . " Vinod was in the army and posted in Kashmir . He was killed in Sophore in a terrorist attack , " he said . " The cremation is tomorrow and his parents would appreciate it if you could attend " . After the cremation one of the army officer 's came up to Mrs . Passi . " Were you Vinod 's maths teacher ? " he asked . She nodded . " Vinod talked about you a lot , " he said . Shortly afterwards , Vinod 's parents came to her . " We want to show you something , " his father said , taking a wallet out of his pocket . " They found this on Vinod when he was killed . We thought you might recognize it . " Opening the wallet , he carefully removed two worn pieces of note book paper , folded and refolded many times . Mrs Passi knew without looking that the papers were the one on which she had listed all the good things each of Vinod 's classmates had said about him . " Thank you so much for doing that , " Vinod 's mother said . " As you can see , Vinod treasured it . " When he was coming in at midday , he had one more look and what he saw kept him standing there a long time with his mouth open . Other sparrows were hovering around the trapped bird , trying to help it . He rushed inside and dragged his mother out and she stood shading her eyes again . When Malini Tambe came to teach at Greenfield School , Pune , it was the summer of her twenty - fifth birthday and the summer when Deepak Pradhan would turn sixteen . She was the teacher for whom all the children wanted to bring greeting cards and pink flowers . She was stunningly beautiful . She was like the cool air on a hot June afternoon . And those few days in the year when the climate was temperate , neither cold nor hot , those were the days when everybody felt were the days which looked like Malini Tambe . The first morning when Miss Tambe entered and wrote her name on the blackboard , the school - room seemed suddenly flooded with illumination . Deepak sat with a wad of paper for throwing , hidden in his hand , but let it droop . After class , he brought in a sponge and began to clean the blackboard . They walked for a few minutes and he said nothing . She glanced over and slightly down at him and saw how at ease he was , how happy he seemed . When they reached the school boundary , he said ; " I better leave you here . The other students wouldn 't understand . " " Well , it 's time to go home , " Miss Tambe would say . And he would run and fetch her bag . Then they would walk across the empty yard and talk of all sorts of things . " I walk every Sunday to the central park with the beautiful lake near your house . There are a lot of ducks and small fish in it . May be you 'd like to come too . " He talked with her about Shakespeare , Tagore and Kipling , coming and going to school . But she found it impossible to call on him to recite in class . She would hesitate , and then call someone else . Nor would she look at him while they were walking . But on several late afternoons , as he moved his arm high on the blackboard , sponging away the arithmetic symbols , she found herself glanced over at him for seconds at a time . The next Monday , though Deepak walked a long time , Miss Tambe did not come out to walk to school . She had gone on ahead . That afternoon , she left early with a headache . " Yes Ma ' am . Twenty - five . I 'll be twenty - five in nine years . Ma ' am , I shouldn 't say it , " he hesitated . " I sometimes feel I 'm twenty - five . " " Now sit still . It 's very important that you understand what is happening . First let 's admit we are the greatest friends . I have never had a student like you , nor have I had as much affection for any boy I 've never known . " He flushed at this . She went on . " And let me speak for you - you 've found me to be the nicest teacher you 've ever known . " " I 've thought this over Deepak . Don 't think I 've been unaware of your feelings . You are no ordinary boy . And I know I 'm not sick , mentally or physically , and that whatever has evolved between us has been wonderful , lovely . But it is not correct . " " May be , " she said . " But you are not . We live in a world where persons are judged by ages and heights . Many times two people want a certain thing to happen when it shouldn 't happen . I can 't explain why . " " No , no , my father has a new job in Bombay . It 's only a hundred - and - fifty kilometers away . I can visit you , can 't I ? " " I don 't know , " she said . " Nobody ever , knows . They haven 't known it for thousands of years . May be they never will . " " There 's one thing I want you to remember , " she said finally . " There are compensations in life . Sopmething will happen to remedy this . God has his own way of remedying injustice . Do you believe that ? " He moved away the next week and was gone for twenty - two years . Her never got to Pune again until he was almost thirty - nine and married . Then one spring they drove to Pune and finally stopped for a day . Later in the day the people in the locality saw Deepak Pradhan 's wife strolling to meet him . She was like the cool air on a hot June afternoon . And those few days in the year when the climate was temperate , neither cold nor hot , those were the days when everybody felt were the days which looked like Deepak Pradhan 's wife . They wanted the best for their parents , no doubt about that . They had always been good children - not a black sheep in the bunch . They knew very well how Sharad and Usha Manjrekar strived to assure the health and well being of their five children - three brothers and two sisters . . . their home had been a model from the start . Of course , the children would not understand the beginnings - the parent 's love for each other . The parents said they fell in love when they were eight and six years old in a school . The children could not believe it . How could one fall in love so early in life ? The girls would listen attentively . They saw emerging before them a wonderful mother , worthy of all compliments , made of equal parts of the real woman who moved around them , washing clothes , preparing dinner , always working , and of that young girl , always smiling and awaiting the arrival of her children and husband . They had always loved that wonderful mother , and they loved her even now that she was old and useless . No one doubted it . Every Sunday afternoon , the family would go out together for a walk . " Going to get some air ? " the neighbors would ask . Depending on the season , the little girls would run in frocks and the boys in shorts . And their parents behind them , reveling in their children and each other . But when the daughters became young women and the sons , young men , they began to go separate ways . Could it have been otherwise ? Sometimes Sharad would still ask one of the daughters , " Why don 't you come with your mother and me today ? " Of course , the parents understood . So they went out alone , the same stride , the same thoughts . Because one thing was sure : as a loving and united couple , they had no equal . In time , they no longer even thought oh inviting their children , nor did they need them . She and he , he and she , walking every Sunday afternoon . They had sacrificed and worked for their children . The children recognized their parent 's efforts and were grateful . The problem was , the circumstances had changed , as they must . One couldn 't say the boys were taller than their father , but they were more capable in every way . They had more knowledge about everything , as they knew more about life tan he did . He acknowledged it and seemed to grow smaller . Ignoring him as if he weren 't there , the children argued about their problems . But even now he sometimes wanted to assert his authority . He would summon his old voice on matters about which he felt superior . " Don 't be rude ! " he would suddenly thunder . And then they would let him speak because he was their father , poor old man , and they , his respectful sons . Could it have been any other way ? And the children got married . That was inevitable ; they were all good , and not one of them was stupid . The boys got decent jobs and the daughters made good marriages . The Manjrekar 's had been generous with their children , helping them with their weddings , giving each whatever they could afford . But they should have realized that they would be left without with their savings . The children didn 't blame them ; but now they were all paying for his lack of foresight . Because , naturally , he had not noticed that he was losing his faculties , and soon they there would be no job . They didn 't notice anything . They were so content , going out every Sunday for a walk . Both walking slower now , but still triumphant , as if they had nothing to worry about . It was exasperating because the sad truth was that there was a lot to think about . He left early in the morning for his part time job in a small office in Worli , Bombay . They didn 't want him in his old office any more . He didn 't earn much from his part time b \ job , but they needed very little and they were fine as things went . And now it occurred to the children that the rooms where the parents lived were too damp - as if they hadn 't that way all along . They noticed the damp spot in the bed - room that began near the floor and reached half - way to the ceiling . And it worried them that their father had asthma . Sharad and Usha knew that their children would have had them living in a palace . But since they couldn 't , why not leave them as they were ? They wanted nothing more and they didn 't think it was a disgrace , as their children did . They were content in their eldest son and his family . None of the sons had room enough to take them both in . There was only one solution : father would stay with one son , mother with another . It would only be for a couple of months because there were three brothers and each would take a four month turn . And when it was the turn of the eldest son in the damp house , they would spend as much time as possible with their daughters - the father with one and the mother with the other . It was the right thing to do . All the children were in Bombay . Nonsense ! They were not talking about dying . The idea was to live better , to get them away from the damp , miserable house , a she had asthma . The eldest son 's young family could stand the dampness but not their parents . How ridiculous for them to be talking about dying . Finally , they had been convinced . During the first four months , father would go to the house of the second son , a police inspector and the mother to the third , proof reader in a publishing company . They were so much better off that way ! A good roof over their heads , grandchildren and a comfortable life . And no more housework . They had good reason to be happy . But they weren 't . That was what was annoying them . The children were sacrificing themselves for the parents , but they didn 't appreciate it . The old man was sullen and silent ; he didn 't involve himself in anything . She was even worse because she didn 't know how to step aside since she was so used to giving orders . " Now , don 't let him give you the injection until I get there , " she would say . And it was all just to hold his hand while the doctor gave the injection . But he would sit impatiently in the waiting - room of the clinic , loving anxious to see her . When Roger 's parents saw their son for the first time , they saw a baby with a thumb - like projection extended directly out of his right forearm and a thumb and one finger stuck out of his left forearm . He had no palms . The baby 's arms and legs were shortened , and he had only three toes on his shrunken right foot and a withered left leg , which would later be amputated . " My parents always taught me that I was only as handi ­ capped as I wanted to be " , said Roger . " They never allowed me to feel sorry for myself or take advantage of people because of my handicap . Once I got into trouble because my school papers were continually late " , explained Roger , who had to hold his pencil with both hands to write slowly . " I asked Dad to write a note to my teachers , asking for a two day extension on my assignments . Instead Dad made me start writing my paper two days early ! " Roger 's love of sports grew and so did his self - confidence . But not every obstacle gave way to Roger 's determination . Eating in the lunchroom with the other kids watching him fumble with his food proved very painful to Roger , as did his repeated failure in typing class . " I learned a very good lesson from typing class , " said Roger . " You can 't do everything - it 's better to concentrate on what you can do . " One thing Roger could do was swing a tennis racket . Unfortunately , when he swung it hard , his weak grip usually launched it into space . By luck , Roger stumbled upon an odd - looking tennis racket in a sports shop and accidentally wedged his finger between its double - barred handle when he picked it up . The snug fit made it possible for Roger to swing , serve and volley like an able - bodied player . He practiced every day and was soon playing - and losing - matches . But Roger persisted . He practiced and practiced and played and played . Surgery on the two fingers of his left hand enabled Roger to grip his special racket better , greatly improving his game . Although he had no role models to guide him , Roger became obsessed with tennis and in time he started to win . " The only difference between you and me , " says Roger , " is that you can see my handicap , but I can 't see yours . We all have them . When people ask me how I 've been able to overcome my physical handicaps , I tell them that I haven 't overcome anything . I 've simply learned what I can 't do - such as play the piano or eat with chopsticks - but more importantly , I 've learned what I can do . Then I do what I can with all my heart and soul . " A beam of morning sunlight filtered through the parting curtains on to Mr . Parmar 's bed . The old man twisted on his back and listened . The house at Mashowbra , near Shimla was quiet ; the grandchildren must have gone to school and their parents to work . The day , has always , promised to be long and dreary , which made Mr . Parmar unsettled and fidgety . After getting up and reading the morning newspaper meticulously , he could think of nothing to do . He was all alone . All alone ! Stepping in front of the windows , he looked towards the mountains . Greying whiskers spread over his unshaven chin , and his bloodshot eyes seemed to reveal his sorrow . Last night , lying in the bed , he had overheard his on and daughter - in - law talking : " he has no hobby and he doesn 't care to cultivate one . He stays home all day moaning and sighing to himself . It 's as though I asked him to move in with us just to hurt him . " The cicadas in the mountains began chirping so loudly they could be heard in the house - the first sound of summer . He had a sudden yearning to go up the mountain . Since it was past the time for early climbers , he had the path to himself - except for the birds , the cicadas and the wind , making the melodies of the mountain . On the way down , they saw her again , walking with a group of elderly men and women who addressed her as sister Vidya . When they caught up with her , sister Vidya asked , " your grandchildren ? " The descent was easy , especially with someone to talk to . From then on , Mr . Parmar followed a new daily schedule . He got up early to join the group mountain climbing , and then came down to see the grandchildren off to school . He met sister Vidya almost every morning , and they gradually began to confide in each other . Knowing she was a widow living with her daughter and son - in - law , he assumed that she also had family problems , and could understand his . " When they watch television , I never complain about being disturbed during my nap . Why then should I be accused of disrupting the children 's sitar practice and homework when I want to watch the television ? It 's a good thing ; I am not dependent on them . If I had to ask them for money , I can 't imagine what the situation would be like . " Sister Vidya was silent for quite for a while . " My daughter and her husband are good to me , " she said . " But I don 't live on them for nothing . I never want people to look down on me . " The rainy season arrived early that year , and it rained non - stop for days together . The hikers disappeared . Mr . Parmar 's rheumatic pain recurred , giving him a severe backache and confining him to a chair by the window , from where he listlessly watched the entrance to the path up the mountain . He got up with difficulty , and opened the door to the house . She was laughing as she came in . " Look at me ! It wasn 't raining when I started out , so I didn 't carry an umbrella . But just as I got here , it started to rain . So I decided to pay you a visit . " Though his back was still aching , Mr . Parmar insisted that she stay for lunch . He as quite adept at cooking certain special dishes , and sister Vidya raised them highly . Eating alone , Mr . Parmar has lost interest in cooking , but now he extended her another invitation . In return , sister Vidya offered to treat him to her style of cooking . The couple laughed , and Mr . Parmar found himself smiling as well . He hadn 't been aware they were leaving such traces . " Do you think we are going to get a new mother ? " his daughter - in - law asked . " Grandmother Vidya and father are good for each other . An old person should have companionship . " But their luncheon dates were quietly discontinued before the rainy season was over . It was sister Vidya 's turn to invite him , and she didn 't call . Obsessed with his secret thoughts , he did nothing to get in touch . Then one afternoon the rain stopped and all at once and there was radiant sunlight was everywhere . Impulsively , Mr . Parmar picked up the phone and called sister Vidya . " People are going up the mountain " , he lied . " Would you like to come for a stroll ? " She hesitated , but eventually agreed to meet him . After hanging up , he went to the bathroom to shave . Looking into the mirror , he felt foolish - practically seventy and still excited over a date ! The sun had dropped behind the mountain and the path was shady and cool . After exchanging greetings , the walked in silence . Suddenly sister Vidya tripped . He hurried to steady her . " Be careful ! " h1e said . " It 's slippery . Here take this stick . " He felt weak without the support of his stick , and his backache was starting up again . " Getting old , " he sighed . " It 's no good getting old without a companion . " She turned to him and said , " listening to my daughter talk like that , I started to feel self - conscious . That 's why I didn 't call you . You know Mrs . Negi , our neighbour ? It was she who told my daughter about us . All my life I have done nothing to make people talk about me . I am quite aware of proper behaviour . " " Let them wag their tongues ! If we enjoy being together so be it . They can 't tell us what to do . " He hadn 't intended to say so much , but since the opportunity has presented itself , he might as well go on . " Sons and grandsons , they are my own flesh and blood , but our age difference makes it difficult to communicate . I 'll be seventy this coming October . How many more years do we have ? What we need is companionship . Someone to talk to , go places with , or ask how we feel when we are ill . We aren 't lovesick young people . " " What is there for them to talk about ? If we don 't take care of ourselves , who will ? Sister Vidya , I collect a good pension , and I own a house at Solan . If you are willing , the two of us can lead a good life together . " At length sister Vidya said , " To be frank , my daughter will not object to whatever decision I make . But I 'm sixty seven . Should I make myself a laughing - stock ? So many years have passed and now , at this late stage , if I change my name … . " Side by side , the elderly couple looked towards the opposite mountain peak . Magnificently coloured clouds filled the sky , clustered around the golden setting sun . The sun had lost its intensity , but was still splendid to behold . The bird went glissading down the beach . " Good - bye , joy , " Prabha muttered to herself ; " hellow , pain , " and turned to walk on . She was depressed ; her life seemed completely out of balance . " Over there . " She pointed toward a row of houses . She chattered little - girl talk as they strolled up the beach , but Prabha 's mind was on other things . When she left for home , Nutan said it had been a happy day . Feeling surprisingly better , Prabha smiled at her and agreed . A month or so after that , when Prabha next went to the beach , Nutan wasn 't there . Feeling guilty , ashamed and admitting to herself she missed her , she went up to her house after her walk . lrawn looking young woman opened the door . " Nutan talked of you so much . I 'm afraid I allowed her to : her you . If she was a nuisance , please accept my apologies . " " She loved this beach ; so I never stopped her . She seemed so mch better playing on the beach and had a lot of what she called appy days . But in the last few weeks she declined rapidly . . . " Her oice faltered . " She left something for you . . . if only I can find it . Tould you wait a moment while I look ? " Tears welled up in Prabha 's eyes , and a heart that had almost forgotten how to love opened wide . She took Nutan 's mother in her arms . " I 'm sorry . I 'm so sorry , " she muttered over and over , and they wept together . The precious little picture is framed now and hangs in Prabha 's study . Six words - one for each year of her life - that speak to her of inner harmony , courage and undemanding love . A gift from a child with sparkling eyes who taught her the gift of love . Once when Prabhat was a fourteen year old boy he along with his parents was standing in line to buy tickets for a circus . Finally there was only on family between them and the ticket counter . This family made a big impression on Prabhat . There were eight children , all probably under the age of 12 . One could tell they didn 't have a lot of money . Their clothes were not expensive but they were clean . The children were well behaved , all of them standing in line , two - by two behind there parents . They were excitedly jabbering about the clowns , elephants and other acts they would see that night . One could sense they had never been to a circus before . It promised to be a highlight of their young lives . The man what was going on ? He wasn 't begging but certainly appreciated in a desperate , heartbreaking , embarrasing , situation . He looked straight into Prabhat 's father 's eyes , took his hand in both of his , squeezed tightly onto the Rs . 50 note , and with his lip quivering and a tear streaming down his cheek , replied , " Thank you , thank you , friend . This really means a lot to me and my family . " Major Prem Sirohi stood in the verandah , unable to ring the bell . How could he tell this woman and her children the man in their life was never coming home ? He felt torn . Torn between the intense desire to run away and the promise he had made to a man he really didn 't know but who had made a difference in his life . He stood there wishing something to happen , something that would help him reach out and ring the bell . It began to rain . He stood there , on the open porch , paralyzed by his fear and guilt . He saw again , for the hundredth time , Major Vijay Sapra 's shredded body , heard his soft voice , peered into his deep black eyes and felt his pain and he cried . He cried for him , for his wife and children and for himself . He had to move forward . He had to live with the knowledge that he was saved and so many others had been lost in a tragic , ambiguous war against terrorism which could have been avoided had his country 's polity been honest , not corrupt . The sound of tyres crunching on the bituminised road saved him from his dilemma . An old , beaten white Fiat car pulled into the driveway and an old woman stepped out . The driver , an old man , got out , too . They stared at him , standing mute and motionless , wonder ­ ing what he was doing in their house . Major Sirohi stood there , staring , as they spoke and suddenly a look of horror came over the woman 's face . She screamed , dropped her package and rushed towards him , leaving the old man to finish his sentence to her back . She took the steps two at a time , grabbed his coat with both hands and said , " What is it , tell me . Who are you and what 's happened to my son ? " The woman stared at him , listening but not hearing , trying to comprehend what he had said . After a long moment , she began to shake . Her body moved with a violent thrashing and , if he hadn 't been holding her hands , she surely would have fallen off the verandah . He tightened his grip and they fell against the door with a loud crash . Prem Sirohi interrupted her . " Please , don 't apologize . I don 't know just how I would have reacted in the same situation , but no harm done . " " Yes to both , " he said . " I would love some tea and I 'll be glad to take off my coat . " Removing his coat gave him something to do while he gathered his nerve . As he finished , Kusum came into the room with a tray of cups , biscuits , milk , sugar and tea . It smelled wonderful and he wanted a cup very badly . Anything to keep the atmosphere light and to keep his hands from shaking . They chatted for a little while and then Kusum said , " Well , Sirohiji , it is a pleasure to meet you and talk to you . But I 'm curious . What brings you to my house ? " Major Sirohi 's presence and his mission were forgotten . They all oohed and aahed over the girls and their new clothes and told them how beautiful they were and how lucky they were to have such lovely new clothes . When the excitement wound down , the girls were settled in the adjoining room at a play table , and when Kusum returned , she said : Sirohi took a deep breath , reached into his pocket and said , " I don 't exactly know how to begin . Three days ago I escaped from a terrorist camp in Kashmir . ' ' He turned and looked directly into Kusum 's eyes and said , " While I was a there , your husband Vijay was brought into the terrorist camp , more dead than alive . He had been shot while on a mission , captured , and brought to this camp . I did the best I could , but he was too badly wounded and we both knew he was going to die . " By this time they were all crying and Sirohi had to stop to collect himself . He looked at Kusum Sapra and saw that she was seeing something far off in the distance . Her eyes glassed over and she cried into her hands . When he was able , he continued . " I held him and rocked him for a long , long time . In that time , he kept repeating , ' Good - bye , Kusum , I love you and I 'm sorry I won 't be around to see the girls grow up . ' After a while he died peacefully in my arms . " I want you to know , " Major Prem Sirohi continued in be ­ tween sobs , " I need you to understand , Kusum 1bahen , I did everything I could , but there was just too much damage . Ididn 't know how to stop the bleeding . I didn 't have any medical supplies . I . . . " At that he broke down completely . They all spent some time crying and that brought the girls into the room . They wanted to know why they were all sad and why they were crying . Sirohi looked at Kusum Sapra and they both knew that he couldn 't go through this again so she said that Uncle Sirohi had some bad news but that everything would be all right soon . This seemed to appease them and they went back into the ad ¬ joining room , and began to play . Sirohi needed to explain what Vijay 's valiant gesture had done , so he began again . " The knife Vijay gave me allowed me to over ¬ power the guards and free four other Indian soldiers that were in the camp . Your husband is a hero . Because of him four other Indians are free and I am sitting here , sitting in his chair , telling you of his death . I 'm so terribly sorry to have to tell you this . " Again he began to cry and Kusum Sapra got up from her chair and came to comfort him . She , with her great loss , was comforting him . He felt humbled and honoured . She took his face in her hands and looked at him and said , " You know , there are two hero 's here , my husband , Vijay , and you , Premji . You are a hero , too . Thank you , thank you for coming here and telling me in person . I know it took a lot for you to come here and face me and tell me my husband is dead , but you are an honorable man . You made a promise and kept it . Not many other men would have had the courage to do this . Thank you . " He sat there stunned . He didn 't feel like a hero , but here he was listening to this woman , in the midst of her grief and pain , tell him he was a hero , that he was an honourable man . All he could feel was guilt and anger ; guilt that he had survived and that her husband , the father of her children , was dead ; and anger , an intense anger at the ambiguity and callousness of the government which had allowed the terrorist problem to grow to such dimensions . Why couldn 't the gov ­ ernment destroy the terrorist bases in Pakistan . Why was the govern ­ ment not able to deal with the jamatiyas ( religious leaders ) , who though unarmed were the real ideological motivators and financers of the terrorists . Why ? Why ? He couldn 't forgive his country or himself ; yet here was a woman who had suffered an incredible loss , the loss of her husband forgiving him , thanking him . He couldn 't bear it . Helen Keller became ill at age two and was left blind and deaf . For the next five years she grew up in a world of darkness and emptiness . She was afraid , alone and without any anchor . This is the story of her meeting the teacher who would change her life The most important day I remember in all my life is the one on which my teacher , Anne Mansfield Sullivan , came to me . I am filled with wonder when I consider the immeasurable contrasts between the two lives which it connects . It was the third of March , 1887 , three months before I was seven years old . The afternoon sun penerated the mass of honeysuckle that covered the porch and fell on my upturned face . My fingers lingered almost unconsciously on the familiar leaves and blossom . I did not know what the future held for me . Anger and bitterness had preyed upon me continually for weeks , and a deep languor had succeeded this passionate struggle . I felt approaching footsteps . I stretched out my hand as I supposed it was my mother . Someone took it , and I was caught up and held close in the arms of her who had come to reveal all things to me , and more than all things else , to love me . I was at once interested in this finger play and tried to imitate it . When I finally succeeded in making the letters correctly , I was flushed with childish pleasure and pride . Running downstairs to my mother , I held up my hand and made the letters for doll . I did not know that I was spelling a word or even that words existed ; I was simply making my fingers go in monkey - like imitation . I became impatient at her repeated attempts and seizing the new doll I dashed it upon the floor . I was keenly delighted when I felt the fragments of the broken doll at my feet . Neither sorrow nor regret followed my passionate outburst . I had not loved the doll . In the still dark world in which I lived there was no strong sentiment or tenderness . I felt my teacher sweep the fragments to one side of the hearth and I had a sense of satisfaction that the cause of my discomfort was removed . She brought me my hat and I knew I was going out into the warm sunshine . This thought , if a wordless sensation may be called a thought , made me hop and skip with pleasure . We walked down the path to the well - house , attracted by the fragrance of the honeysucukle with which it was covered . Someone was drawing water and my teacher placed my hand under the spout . As the cool stream gushed over one hand , she spelled into the other , the word w - a - t - e - r ; first slowly , then rapidly . I stood still , my whole attention fixed upon the motions of her fingers . Suddenly I felt a misty consciousness as of something forgotten - a thrill of returning thought ; and somehow the mystery of language was revealed to me . I knew then that ' w - a - t - e - r ' meant the wonderful cool , something that was flowing over my hand . That living word awakened my soul , gave it light , hope , joy , set it free ! There were barriers still , it is true , but barriers that could in time be swept away . I left the well - house eager to learn . Everything had a name and each name gave birth to a new thought . As we returned to the house , every object that I touched seemed to quiver with life . That was because I saw everything with the strange new sight that had come to me . On entering the door I remembered the doll I had broken . I felt my way to the hearth and picked up the pieces . I tried vainly to put them together . Then my eyes filled with tears for I realized what I had done ; and for the first time I felt repentance and sorrow . I learned a great many new words that day . I do not remember what they all were ; but I do know that mother , father , sister , teacher were among them - words that were to make the world blossom for me , like Aaron 's rod , with flowers . It would have been difficult to find a happier child than I was as I lay in my crib at the close of that eventful day . For the first time I longed for a new day to come . Note : Helen went on to graduate from Raddcliffe . She devoted the rest of her life to teaching and giving hope to the blind and deaf as her teacher had done . She and Anne remained friends until Anne 's death .

I took a moment to look around my bedroom , now filled with piles of boxes that were marked either " storage " or " school " in blue sharpie . I have too much stuff , I thought to myself . There were a lot of other things I could have been thinking about ; the party after graduation , what happened after I left last night . I just had so much crap . Dad was the only person in my sphere that was against me going to Berkeley . To him , my going there was like a personal attack as if I were running away . During our regular arguments he 'd always bring up how I got into Cal Poly and how I should go there instead . He 'd always talk about how close it was , how many people I 'd know and the convenience of it all . In his head it was the superior school . I tapped the text box to reply . As the line flashed I drew a blank . I didn 't know what to say and I could only imagine what he saw on his end . Those silent ellipses flashing as if I were writing a heartfelt message back - if he was still looking at the screen . I closed it and put my phone away . I 'll reply later . Last night a few friends and I decided to sneak into La Purisima Mission which is considered by many " paranormal experts " to be one of the most haunted places in California . Since the Schwarzenegger budget cuts the security presence has been limited at best . As a result , local kids made it a rite of passage to spend a night on the grounds . Cam took it a step further and brought beer . I don 't usually drink beer , but that night I drank it . When the pounding in my head ceased . I got onto my knees and dragged the box to my bookcase . Once I filled it with my copies of Doctorow and Hemingway I taped it closed and tried to decide whether to mark it storage or school . On one hand , I might need to grab my copy of Ragtime in the near future . But what if I never needed it ? As I loaded the boxes into the car , the familiar rumbling of a rocket launch from Vandenberg broke the silence of the afternoon . I didn 't look up , the days when that was cool had passed long ago . Instead I continued loading the car while the rumble slowly faded back to silence . When I finished , I leaned against the side door to wait for my family to see me off . My phone vibrated again . When I took it out the notification read , " Instagram : cam805 just posted a photo . " I opened Instagram to look at the post . It was the two of us when we were kids . Cam was wearing his royal blue youth football jersey , something he would wear for most of his life , and I the yellow hoodie I used to wear all the time . " # tbt me & my day1 back in the day , " read the caption . " Good luck at Cal ! " No doubt similar pictures of Cam in a football uniform and me in civilian clothing were out there somewhere . But looking at this one was like looking at an ancient relic from days long ago , back when watching rocket launches was cool . Cam called those days at Miguelito " the good ole ' days " and maybe they were . Back then when there was a rocket launch , the entire school would rush out of class to watch . Seeing those long lines of white steam exit the blue and enter the black was so bewitching to my 10 - year - old self . It made me wonder when the blue ended and black began . In those days after school , I 'd walk with Cam to his grandfather , Mr . Ruiz 's house and wait for Mom to get off work . Mr . Ruiz had lived in Lompoc his entire life and he would always tell us stories about what the town was like before we were born . Like how back in the ' 60s all of the shops closed for the day to see Bobby Kennedy pass through for his campaign , or when the city finally had to build another high school - our crosstown rival Cabrillo . Whenever he 'd tell us about these times it was always with some sort of regret that they had to pass . How Cam and I remained friends for so long I 'll never understand . We never had anything in common and even though I went to his games , it was because my parents were on the board for the youth league - I had no choice . While he was on the field I was reading in the bleachers completely uninterested and unaware of what was going on . But I guess he returned that same sentiment by being unaware of what went on in my life . He was playing and I was going through a crisis of self . The Saturday after the first week of school was when all the players in the league would have their height and weight taken so they could be sorted into age divisions . Once sorted , the coaches would draft them into teams . This was apparently a big deal and it took all day and it was why I spent one day every year for nine years in the equipment room while Dad and another board member - usually Mr . Ruiz - weighed over 200 kids and argued with their parents . Cam would have practice right after he was weighed , so I spent the day inside staring at the shelves of old helmets and shoulder pads that were the abyss . Then the older boys would come in and my attention would turn from the shelves to them stripping down to their underwear . Something made me feel like this wasn 't okay . So it was a struggle for me to look without being obvious . " It 's fine , son , " Dad once said . " We 're all men in here . " I think he thought I felt uncomfortable seeing people naked , but what was saying that supposed to achieve ? I think Mr . Ruiz saw me and knew what was going on . One year he came up to me with a Magic Treehouse book and said , " The equipment hasn 't moved . " It was easier to not look after that . I tried to write a response , but I went back to look through his profile some more . I stopped to look at a post of Cam in his football uniform and his girlfriend , Stephanie , kissing from opposite sides of a low fence . The post was captioned , " HOME OF THE BRAVES BABY ! " which was flanked by a blue heart emoji on both sides . The night it was taken , Cam was still on a victory high after Lompoc beat Cabrillo . When the fourth quarter ended , he handed me his phone and told me to take the picture . It was very uncomfortable and it didn 't help that it took a few tries to get it right . At the time Cam and Stephanie had been dating for about a year and a half . I thought she was nice , but I never thought anything more of her . As far as I was concerned , she was just another one of Cam 's pseudo - girlfriends he always seemed to have since we were 12 . And by that time , Mom didn 't like that I was becoming a third wheel . I 'd never been asked that question before . What did she mean by like ? I thought some girls in my class were cool or funny , but did that mean I liked them ? Luckily , Dad saved me from this confusion . " He 's obviously not interested into girls yet , " he interjected . " Wait till he 's 14 , he 'll be all over them . " With that deadline in mind , I turned 13 and realized that the reason I didn 't like girls was because I liked guys . I didn 't live in a homophobic environment , it was just something we never talked about . As self - important as it may sound , I actually thought I was the only guy in the world who liked other guys . In what seemed like a simple solution , I decided that I wasn 't going to like guys or girls - spoiler : it didn 't work . " God dammit ! Son ' f bitch ! " yelled a familiar voice . I looked across the street and saw our neighbor , Mr . Wold , trying to push a piece of scrap metal off his foot . When it was off , he took hold of his foot and focused on the pain . In the ' 70s and ' 80s , the Air Force began developing their own Space Shuttle program at Vandenberg . Mr . Wold was a relic from the wave of young engineers and physicists who rushed to this little hamlet on Point Conception with their families and the hopes of becoming the new Cape Canaveral . Because of this sudden influx of people , the town experienced unprecedented growth . Mr . Ruiz called it " the space rush . " Of all his stories , his favorite ones came from the space rush . He 's tell us about the kids Cam 's parents played with and how the city commissioned Mrs . Ruiz to paint a mural to welcome the new residents . But whenever he 'd tell us about when the Space Shuttle arrived , it was always with an air of hope . " We knew that the shuttle was supposed to come , " he said , " but when we looked up into the sky and saw it on top of that big plane that was when it became real . They were gonna be launching shuttles every hour . Every day . We were gonna be Cape Canaveral . That was gonna be us . " When my parents finally came outside , the goodbye process began . Whatever feelings Dad had about my leaving were gone . He gave his " I 'm proud of you " speech before checking my oil one last time and giving me a hug where - I swear - I heard a whimper . Mom cried , too . She gave her " be safe " speech and hugged me again . Mr . Wold 's scrap metal dragging briefly interrupted us . Dad looked across the street and watched through gritted teeth . Somehow he was able to say , " You need help with that , Hank ? " Mr . Wold stopped and looked up at Dad . " I don 't need no help ! " he proclaimed before loudly dragging the rusty axel through the side gate . My parents looked over and just glared at Mr . Wold 's house . " Recycling , " Dad answered just to get me to stop . He knew I was fucking with him . Even when his son was going off to college , he still found time to hate Mr . Wold . It was petty , and it was also the funniest thing in the world . Mom loved the idea of Cam and Stephanie together and to an extent I guess I did , too . Regardless of how irritated I 'd get when Cam went on his " I 'm in deep " rants , I cared about his happiness . Mom did too , but I had my suspicions that she liked it - at least partially - because I didn 't date girls . " Maybe you two need to cut your time together , " I said . " I don 't know , you know the situation better than I do . " I continued , " Once in a while you need to be a person as opposed to being part of a couple . That 's just me , though . " Cam sighed and said , " It 's just … why would I not want to be with her ? I know what you 're saying but you 'd understand if you finally found a girl . " Nothing was said until we got onto the 101 near Gaviota and Cam brought up the same subject . " Like you really need to find yourself a girl , " he said , " You 're cool and shit , you could get one . " I looked out the window across the Santa Barbara channel . The sun had settled just behind Santa Rosa Island , turning the sky into a murky shade of tangerine that sparkled off the water . The lights on the oil rigs beyond the island made them look like galleons sailing for a distant place in a distant time . The world was changing around us , and I didn 't want to have conversations like this anymore . " Look , " Cam persisted , " maybe Lompoc girls aren 't your type . I get it , not a lot to choose from . You 'll find her though . " " Sure , " I said , but I immediately realized that wasn 't a clear enough answer . " Yeah , " I added . I looked back at him . Cam was silent for a few minutes before he started nodding . " Yeah , " said Cam , " You 're one of my day ones . You liking guys or girls , isn 't gonna change that . " I was taken aback by his apathy . He treated what I just told him like he found out I cheated on a test . He looked over at me and made an assuring smirk . " We 're still cool , " he said . I hugged my parents one more time , promised to come back for the nearest holiday and then I was off . A couple blocks down , my phone started vibrating in my pocket . I pulled it out and saw that Cam was calling me before I put the phone on the center console and kept driving . I tried not to think about why he was calling , but I did find a diversion when I saw that I was running on empty . It was the only time I felt relieved that I needed to get gas . Usually I 'd go to Sunshine Market since it was the cheapest . But that was out of my way , I also didn 't want to run into Cam in case he was there . It was for the best ; he 'd ask why I didn 't answer his calls / texts and then it would turn into this big thing that neither of us wanted . I went to Circle K in the strip mall near Cajun Kitchen instead . I hated going there . To call it a strip mall was being generous . After the recession , what should have had at least nine storefronts now only had three : the grocery store Albertson 's , Beauty Connection , and - oddly enough - Radio Shack . But Albertson 's was so expensive no one ever went there . The only people there were teenagers learning how to drive and what was left of the employees . It wasn 't like the recession was the only thing that pushed Lompoc closer to the edge . When Cam and I were in middle school , Mr . Ruiz told us the Space Shuttle story . We must have heard it a thousand times by now , but it still felt fresh . " You had to be there , man , " said Mr . Ruiz . " They should have launched the shuttle from Vandenberg right from the beginning . Come on ! We have better weather than Florida . " The shuttle in Vandenberg was supposed to launch in the summer of ' 86 . But after the Challenger disintegrated in mid - flight , the Air Force halted development of their program . It wasn 't until later when I understood what that meant . That growth from the ' 70s and ' 80s slowly turned into decline . Everyone who was part of the program - except Mr . Wold , apparently - left looking for greener pastures , maybe to Cape Canaveral . While I waited for my tank to fill up , I went over to grab my phone . The screen read , " ( 2 ) missed calls from Cameron Ruiz " before Cam tried to call again . I put my arm down and gripped tighter , hoping it would go to voicemail quicker . When it stopped I held it up and read , " ( 3 ) missed calls from Cameron Ruiz . " I put the phone back in the car . Maybe he wants to say goodbye , I thought to myself , or maybe he wants to continue what happened last night ; though I was pretty clear that we were done . A month before graduation I was in a bookstore in Santa Barbara . There was no reason for me to be there . I just wanted to be there . As I browsed the aisles of shelves , I saw Stephanie . Her back was to me and I thought I 'd go up and say hi . But when I went up to her , I ended up freaking her out and she dropped her books . " Shit ! " I said , smiling in hilarity , " I 'm so sorry . " It was hard for my dumb ass to hold back laughter as we both leaned down to pick them up . Then I stopped when I saw bruises on her arms which she quickly covered with her sleeves . We looked at each other and knew there was no way out of it . She didn 't want to say it , and I didn 't want to hear it but I knew what was going on right then and there . With my tank full I drove across the parking lot to avoid the light . The faster I was out , the better . Then Cam started calling me again . In a fury , I stopped the car and picked it up . I finally had a response to his text . " Stop calling me ! ! ! " I typed into the box , " Not only are you mentally unable to make this right , it 's impossible after what you did . I can 't have this kind of poison in my life anymore . " Right when I was about to send it , I deleted all of it and cried . I 'd see Cam kiss her on the cheek and I just wanted to grab him and scream , " You fucking moron ! " I wanted to do something . I just hated that I was too much of a coward to actually do it . Then at the mission , after a few beers , I hit the limit . We were all sitting in a circle and Cam and Steph were doing their thing and he slapped her ass . My first instinct was to say something right there , but I knew that would have done more harm than good . So I asked Cam to talk with me in private . I couldn 't be in a room full of a bunch of enablers . We walked for a while on the mission grounds , mostly because I wanted to find a place that was as far from everyone else as possible . When we came to the fountain between the old pear trees , I stopped . Whether it was the shitty beer or the spirits that supposedly haunt the grounds , or the fact that it was the bare minimum of decency , I had to say something . " Hey man , " said Cam , " I just wanted to say that … I 'm really gonna miss you when you 're gone . " I looked over at to him and said nothing . " I mean … " he continued , " You 're one of my day ones , and I know you 'll be around for holidays and shit but … it won 't be the same . " What he said was heartfelt and sentimental , but I had to stay focused . No good would have come from me returning the sentimentally " Cam , " I said . " I know . " Cam smirked but I knew he was furious . " Alright , " he said as he tried to laugh it off , " So you saw some bruises . What do you think you know ? " " It 's getting late , " he interjected . " I think we 're going to call it a night . " Cam turned around to walk back to the chapel . I 've never seen a person so angry , scared , sad , and whatever else there is at the same time . I looked down and saw that Cam was closing his hands into fists and I braced for impact . But instead he took a step back and smiled in a panic . " That 's what you 're gonna do ? " Cam said , " You 're gonna tell her parents ? " I nodded . Cam stepped back again and threw his arms up and let them drop to his side , still smiling that panicked smile . " Cool , " he said , " You know , that 's fucking weak . Why not just tell the cops ? " " Shut the fuck up ! You piece of shit ! " he yelled . There was a nanosecond where I saw tears in his eyes . " You piece of shit ! " he yelled again . Cam stopped and wiped the tears from his eyes . He fell slowly and sat on the floor . " You know how happy she makes me . " he said with his head down , " She 's the only person in the world that makes me feel this way and you want to take it away . " " This isn 't about you ! " I said back . I wasn 't going to fall for it . " What I 'm doing is correct . Do you not see what you 're doing is wrong ? " Cam stopped crying and stood up . I looked at him and saw his puffy cheeks and red eyes , and I felt sorry for him . He took a deep breath and gathered himself . Cam turned away and shook his head . The silence was deathly . " So , " he said as he turned around and looked at me , " She trusted you . " Cam walked closer to me until I felt the heat from his breath on my nose . " Kinda like how you trusted me when you told me you were gay . " No , we 're not still cool . I came out to my family way before I came out to Cam . How fucking arrogant of him to think I 'd tell him before my family . Did he actually think that texting me would make me forget that he kept my gayness in case he needed it for leverage ? Or was he just really dumb ? Cam was never my friend , just like how Mr . Wold was never building a rocket . It was all just a fantasy that fooled me into thinking I had a reason to ever come back here . Fuck this place . I put the phone down and started the engine to finally leave . Then I looked in my rear - view mirror and saw what looked like standing outside . I thought I was going insane even after I turned around . I got out of the car to get a better look and it was actually her . She wasn 't the cute girl Cam and I saw in Jack in the Box a year ago . She was a completely different person . Maybe that 's why I was confused . Stephanie shrugged and said , " Anywhere . " She looked around for a long while and said , " You know I never got to thank you for what you did last night . You were gone so quick . " " I agreed and got a ride home , " said Stephanie . " Whatever you said worked ' cause it scared the shit out of him . " I nodded . She looked away as a gust a wind blew by . She needed to get out of this place as much as I did - if not more . " Where you going ? " she asked . With that , we were on the road . When we passed the closed - down drive - in , crossed over the dry riverbed and saw the eucalyptus in the distance , we knew were actually leaving . The light next to the bell that marked the El Camino Real turned red and Stephanie jumped out of the car . She ran across to the dry grass field and raised both middle fingers up towards the town . I watched her and my phone started vibrating . As suspected it was Cam calling . But before I had a chance to put it down , the ground started to shake . Another rocket , I thought . But it kept shaking , violently and ceaselessly . I saw the people in the cars around me get out and look towards the town in disbelief as more pulled to do the same . I looked over and my jaw dropped . It was a rocket , but it wasn 't coming from base . It was coming right from where my neighborhood was . I jumped out of the car and stood next to Stephanie , whose arms dropped in disbelief . He did it . That crazy motherfucker across the street actually did it . It took him more than 20 years but Mr . Wold was " gittin ' out of here . " But all I could think about was what everyone in town was doing . I thought about my parents , how relieved they must be now that Mr . Wold was fucking gone and how annoyed they must be about the crater in place of his house . I thought about Mr . Ruiz and how he 'll tell this story years from now . " There 's that pole where those kids died . " I said to him as we passed a telephone pole that stood like a column for the fallen . Adorned with candles of Saint Lawrence and dried flowers in old vases , that 's all it was to me . The pole where those kids died . " What ? " he asked . I know I 've told him this story before . In fact , I 've told it so many times he once said , " Yeah you tell me this story all the time . " " You know , " I said , " they 're the kids with their jerseys hanging in the school gym . " He nodded . I knew if I linked it with something involving sports , he would remember . God I love him . This is the first time that Sean would be meeting my family . I just wished it was for a less depressing reason . A week ago , I was sick . So sick , I had to stay home from work . I remember the sickness because with it came a tremendous sadness . " It 's Papa Lilliana … " she said . That was my grandfather . His name wasn 't Lilliana ; I don 't even know what kind of name that is . We just called him that because when Cousin Howard was little , he couldn 't say , Papa William . So he called him , " Papa Lilliana " and from that day on , that was his name . When I was five or six , I was watching TV and Papa Lilliana was watching me watch TV . That was his favorite activity . It didn 't matter what I was watching , whether it was " That 's So Raven " or one of the hundreds of silent movies Cousin Howard would force me to watch , Papa Lilliana loved looking at his granddaughter . " You 're right Pop , " he said , as he took the DVD out . " I 'll see you tomorrow . " He walked out the door and I put on " That 's So Raven . " " She looks a lot like you , Wendy , " he 'd say to my mother . And she would nod . Then he needed help eating . Two years ago he said , " Where 's Renee ? " my grandmother who had died four years prior . Last year during Christmas he looked at me and said , " Christmas hasn 't been the same since Camille left . She needs to visit once in a while . " " How 's Travis doing ? " Sean asked . I looked into the back seat and saw Travis curled in a ball sleeping and snoring . His jowls would vibrate every time air would exit his body , making him look even more comic than usual . For my degree , I had to take a Russian philosophy course . I don 't know why this course existed as oppose to Greek or Ethiopian philosophy or any other national philosophy for that matter . But the one thing I got out of it was Sean . I hate being one of those people that have this story about a hot guy looking back at them and asking to barrow a pencil resulting in love at first sight . Unfortunately , I am one of those people . The only difference is that he tapped me on the shoulder , and he asked if he could barrow a few bucks for lunch and that he 'd promise to pay me back ( he never did ) . Then we drove by my past . Lompoc cared about two things : The Old Town area , ( an area that no one ever goes to because all there is are expensive antique stores and a sushi bar ) and high school football . We passed by the center of town . That 's not a metaphor . Lompoc High School was literally in the center of town and I suppose adolescent life . The ' 50s era buildings surrounded by overgrown junipers made the school look like a rundown motel of the same era . Student murals of space travel and children watching rocket launches from Vandenberg Air Force Base didn 't help either . Yet when I looked at the school , it was like seeing an old friend at your grocery store . There was a warmth to the encounter , but to approach was never appropriate . Next to the school was the football stadium that looked like it hadn 't been updated since they replaced the wooden bleachers when I was a junior . I remember going to the games with Cousin Howard and his friends . They never actually watched the game , they didn 't really care . It was just a reason to be together with each other . The marching band would play their tribute to Queen during halftime and I would look at my cousin , a lover of the arts in his own right , and see him cringe with pure anger and disappointment . I laughed once when he stood up in the stands and yelled , " The percussion should never be louder than the winds ! " No one did anything because they knew he was right . " Freddie Mercury 's rolling in his grave right now ! " he said . We passed through town and found ourselves at the gates of The Family House . Not my family house . The Family House . I call it that because that was our clan 's gathering place during holidays , graduations and because we didn 't see each other since last Wednesday . This ranch style house with a five decade old loquat tree next to the newer olive tree was the place where we decided to have Thanksgiving Dinner in the middle of September because we were bored . It also happened to be the house my family lived in . Someone had to live in it . We parked on the curb across the street because that was the closest we would be able to get with all the cars right in front of it . I saw the younger cousins ( now teenagers ) playing football in the front yard . They reminded me of my generation of boy cousins who would always do the same . As I watched my nieces - who didn 't even say hi to me , but that 's beside point - lead my two boys under the same tree that I played under , it finally hit me . Not only was the family that I built under the tree , but so was the family I would always have . Today was the day that I was able to combine the two . Blog , Fiction , Short Story , Susurrus Fiction , Sac City , Short Story , Zachary FR Anderson Mr . Dillon married Mrs . Dillon in the winter of 1983 . Mr . and Mrs . Dillon lived in a house that was at the end of a cul - de - sac in the same town that they grew up in . In that town , they lived with the people they went to school with who lived on the same street in houses that looked like the one before and after . Mr . and Mrs . Dillon had two children like everyone else and they went to the same elementary school as their friends ' children who were all the same age . Mr . Dillon was a law man . Mr . Dillon was the only man that lived on his block that had a job that required him to drive more than five miles . Mr . Dillon worked in the city that was thirty miles away . Mr . Dillon worked from nine in the morning and so he left at 8 : 30am in order to be on time . He worked until five and so he arrived home at 5 : 30am . It was just in time for Mr . Dillon to eat dinner with his family , read a chapter of a book , and go to bed at exactly 9 : 00pm . Mrs . Dillon worked at home like the other women on her block . Mrs . Dillon woke up thirty minutes before her husband and made Mr . Dillon breakfast . During the fall , winter , and spring , she drove the children to a school that was one mile south of their block . Mrs . Dillon would then go back home and clean the house , prepare a small lunch , and make no more than three runs around town to pay bills and drop off mail . Mrs . Dillon would go on a walk before picking up her children . When they came home , Mrs . Dillon would make dinner . Mrs . Dillon went to bed at 9 : 00pm with her husband without saying a word . Then the day continued as if on a cycle . During the summer , Mrs . Dillon would not need to drive as much . Her children would play outside and would do so until Mr . Dillon arrived at 5 : 30pm . But the day was still the same . They were alum of the university that was twenty miles north of the town . They went to school with the same people they went to high school with . When they were older , and their children were also older , their son , Christopher , played football with the children of Mr . and Mrs . Dillon 's friends from high school . Christopher was a descendent of a long line of men who were also named Christopher , dating back to when their town was only a few fields that grew either wheat or corn . Christopher 's ancestor had the same face as his father 's . This was most likely the only thing that made the Dillons unique , the fact that they had lived in the same spot since before the Maine was destroyed . Christopher did not want to be like Mr . and Mrs . Dillon . Christopher wanted to leave and live somewhere else . Then he met , Dorothy , who held her books while walking to class . Dorothy was beautiful . Christopher was handsome . Their relationship , was one that was looked at as adequate and model . Christopher first held Dorothy 's hand when they were both fourteen . Christopher first kissed Dorothy when he was fifteen . Dorothy first slept next to Christopher when they were both sixteen . They did not make love until they were both seventeen . When they were both eighteen , they moved in together . They shared an apartment that was one half mile east of the University in the city . They went to school together . They studied together , ate together , and went to sleep without words , together . Christopher and Dorothy graduated , together . They took a trip to Paris with other couples that they had grown up with . They came home , and lived in an apartment that was downtown in the city . Christopher got a job as an assistant to a man who managed a company . Dorothy , was able to babysit for money . Christopher would come home exhausted , Dorothy would sleep with him . Three years passed , and Christopher married Dorothy . Both their parents were in attendance . Christopher and Dorothy honeymooned in Puerto Rico for no more than two weeks . Eight months and two weeks after , they had a child . " What should his name be ? " asked Dorothy . Christopher thought for a moment before answering , " Christopher . "

I took a moment to look around my bedroom , now filled with piles of boxes that were marked either " storage " or " school " in blue sharpie . I have too much stuff , I thought to myself . There were a lot of other things I could have been thinking about ; the party after graduation , what happened after I left last night . I just had so much crap . Dad was the only person in my sphere that was against me going to Berkeley . To him , my going there was like a personal attack as if I were running away . During our regular arguments he 'd always bring up how I got into Cal Poly and how I should go there instead . He 'd always talk about how close it was , how many people I 'd know and the convenience of it all . In his head it was the superior school . I tapped the text box to reply . As the line flashed I drew a blank . I didn 't know what to say and I could only imagine what he saw on his end . Those silent ellipses flashing as if I were writing a heartfelt message back - if he was still looking at the screen . I closed it and put my phone away . I 'll reply later . Last night a few friends and I decided to sneak into La Purisima Mission which is considered by many " paranormal experts " to be one of the most haunted places in California . Since the Schwarzenegger budget cuts the security presence has been limited at best . As a result , local kids made it a rite of passage to spend a night on the grounds . Cam took it a step further and brought beer . I don 't usually drink beer , but that night I drank it . When the pounding in my head ceased . I got onto my knees and dragged the box to my bookcase . Once I filled it with my copies of Doctorow and Hemingway I taped it closed and tried to decide whether to mark it storage or school . On one hand , I might need to grab my copy of Ragtime in the near future . But what if I never needed it ? As I loaded the boxes into the car , the familiar rumbling of a rocket launch from Vandenberg broke the silence of the afternoon . I didn 't look up , the days when that was cool had passed long ago . Instead I continued loading the car while the rumble slowly faded back to silence . When I finished , I leaned against the side door to wait for my family to see me off . My phone vibrated again . When I took it out the notification read , " Instagram : cam805 just posted a photo . " I opened Instagram to look at the post . It was the two of us when we were kids . Cam was wearing his royal blue youth football jersey , something he would wear for most of his life , and I the yellow hoodie I used to wear all the time . " # tbt me & my day1 back in the day , " read the caption . " Good luck at Cal ! " No doubt similar pictures of Cam in a football uniform and me in civilian clothing were out there somewhere . But looking at this one was like looking at an ancient relic from days long ago , back when watching rocket launches was cool . Cam called those days at Miguelito " the good ole ' days " and maybe they were . Back then when there was a rocket launch , the entire school would rush out of class to watch . Seeing those long lines of white steam exit the blue and enter the black was so bewitching to my 10 - year - old self . It made me wonder when the blue ended and black began . In those days after school , I 'd walk with Cam to his grandfather , Mr . Ruiz 's house and wait for Mom to get off work . Mr . Ruiz had lived in Lompoc his entire life and he would always tell us stories about what the town was like before we were born . Like how back in the ' 60s all of the shops closed for the day to see Bobby Kennedy pass through for his campaign , or when the city finally had to build another high school - our crosstown rival Cabrillo . Whenever he 'd tell us about these times it was always with some sort of regret that they had to pass . How Cam and I remained friends for so long I 'll never understand . We never had anything in common and even though I went to his games , it was because my parents were on the board for the youth league - I had no choice . While he was on the field I was reading in the bleachers completely uninterested and unaware of what was going on . But I guess he returned that same sentiment by being unaware of what went on in my life . He was playing and I was going through a crisis of self . The Saturday after the first week of school was when all the players in the league would have their height and weight taken so they could be sorted into age divisions . Once sorted , the coaches would draft them into teams . This was apparently a big deal and it took all day and it was why I spent one day every year for nine years in the equipment room while Dad and another board member - usually Mr . Ruiz - weighed over 200 kids and argued with their parents . Cam would have practice right after he was weighed , so I spent the day inside staring at the shelves of old helmets and shoulder pads that were the abyss . Then the older boys would come in and my attention would turn from the shelves to them stripping down to their underwear . Something made me feel like this wasn 't okay . So it was a struggle for me to look without being obvious . " It 's fine , son , " Dad once said . " We 're all men in here . " I think he thought I felt uncomfortable seeing people naked , but what was saying that supposed to achieve ? I think Mr . Ruiz saw me and knew what was going on . One year he came up to me with a Magic Treehouse book and said , " The equipment hasn 't moved . " It was easier to not look after that . I tried to write a response , but I went back to look through his profile some more . I stopped to look at a post of Cam in his football uniform and his girlfriend , Stephanie , kissing from opposite sides of a low fence . The post was captioned , " HOME OF THE BRAVES BABY ! " which was flanked by a blue heart emoji on both sides . The night it was taken , Cam was still on a victory high after Lompoc beat Cabrillo . When the fourth quarter ended , he handed me his phone and told me to take the picture . It was very uncomfortable and it didn 't help that it took a few tries to get it right . At the time Cam and Stephanie had been dating for about a year and a half . I thought she was nice , but I never thought anything more of her . As far as I was concerned , she was just another one of Cam 's pseudo - girlfriends he always seemed to have since we were 12 . And by that time , Mom didn 't like that I was becoming a third wheel . I 'd never been asked that question before . What did she mean by like ? I thought some girls in my class were cool or funny , but did that mean I liked them ? Luckily , Dad saved me from this confusion . " He 's obviously not interested into girls yet , " he interjected . " Wait till he 's 14 , he 'll be all over them . " With that deadline in mind , I turned 13 and realized that the reason I didn 't like girls was because I liked guys . I didn 't live in a homophobic environment , it was just something we never talked about . As self - important as it may sound , I actually thought I was the only guy in the world who liked other guys . In what seemed like a simple solution , I decided that I wasn 't going to like guys or girls - spoiler : it didn 't work . " God dammit ! Son ' f bitch ! " yelled a familiar voice . I looked across the street and saw our neighbor , Mr . Wold , trying to push a piece of scrap metal off his foot . When it was off , he took hold of his foot and focused on the pain . In the ' 70s and ' 80s , the Air Force began developing their own Space Shuttle program at Vandenberg . Mr . Wold was a relic from the wave of young engineers and physicists who rushed to this little hamlet on Point Conception with their families and the hopes of becoming the new Cape Canaveral . Because of this sudden influx of people , the town experienced unprecedented growth . Mr . Ruiz called it " the space rush . " Of all his stories , his favorite ones came from the space rush . He 's tell us about the kids Cam 's parents played with and how the city commissioned Mrs . Ruiz to paint a mural to welcome the new residents . But whenever he 'd tell us about when the Space Shuttle arrived , it was always with an air of hope . " We knew that the shuttle was supposed to come , " he said , " but when we looked up into the sky and saw it on top of that big plane that was when it became real . They were gonna be launching shuttles every hour . Every day . We were gonna be Cape Canaveral . That was gonna be us . " When my parents finally came outside , the goodbye process began . Whatever feelings Dad had about my leaving were gone . He gave his " I 'm proud of you " speech before checking my oil one last time and giving me a hug where - I swear - I heard a whimper . Mom cried , too . She gave her " be safe " speech and hugged me again . Mr . Wold 's scrap metal dragging briefly interrupted us . Dad looked across the street and watched through gritted teeth . Somehow he was able to say , " You need help with that , Hank ? " Mr . Wold stopped and looked up at Dad . " I don 't need no help ! " he proclaimed before loudly dragging the rusty axel through the side gate . My parents looked over and just glared at Mr . Wold 's house . " Recycling , " Dad answered just to get me to stop . He knew I was fucking with him . Even when his son was going off to college , he still found time to hate Mr . Wold . It was petty , and it was also the funniest thing in the world . Mom loved the idea of Cam and Stephanie together and to an extent I guess I did , too . Regardless of how irritated I 'd get when Cam went on his " I 'm in deep " rants , I cared about his happiness . Mom did too , but I had my suspicions that she liked it - at least partially - because I didn 't date girls . " Maybe you two need to cut your time together , " I said . " I don 't know , you know the situation better than I do . " I continued , " Once in a while you need to be a person as opposed to being part of a couple . That 's just me , though . " Cam sighed and said , " It 's just … why would I not want to be with her ? I know what you 're saying but you 'd understand if you finally found a girl . " Nothing was said until we got onto the 101 near Gaviota and Cam brought up the same subject . " Like you really need to find yourself a girl , " he said , " You 're cool and shit , you could get one . " I looked out the window across the Santa Barbara channel . The sun had settled just behind Santa Rosa Island , turning the sky into a murky shade of tangerine that sparkled off the water . The lights on the oil rigs beyond the island made them look like galleons sailing for a distant place in a distant time . The world was changing around us , and I didn 't want to have conversations like this anymore . " Look , " Cam persisted , " maybe Lompoc girls aren 't your type . I get it , not a lot to choose from . You 'll find her though . " " Sure , " I said , but I immediately realized that wasn 't a clear enough answer . " Yeah , " I added . I looked back at him . Cam was silent for a few minutes before he started nodding . " Yeah , " said Cam , " You 're one of my day ones . You liking guys or girls , isn 't gonna change that . " I was taken aback by his apathy . He treated what I just told him like he found out I cheated on a test . He looked over at me and made an assuring smirk . " We 're still cool , " he said . I hugged my parents one more time , promised to come back for the nearest holiday and then I was off . A couple blocks down , my phone started vibrating in my pocket . I pulled it out and saw that Cam was calling me before I put the phone on the center console and kept driving . I tried not to think about why he was calling , but I did find a diversion when I saw that I was running on empty . It was the only time I felt relieved that I needed to get gas . Usually I 'd go to Sunshine Market since it was the cheapest . But that was out of my way , I also didn 't want to run into Cam in case he was there . It was for the best ; he 'd ask why I didn 't answer his calls / texts and then it would turn into this big thing that neither of us wanted . I went to Circle K in the strip mall near Cajun Kitchen instead . I hated going there . To call it a strip mall was being generous . After the recession , what should have had at least nine storefronts now only had three : the grocery store Albertson 's , Beauty Connection , and - oddly enough - Radio Shack . But Albertson 's was so expensive no one ever went there . The only people there were teenagers learning how to drive and what was left of the employees . It wasn 't like the recession was the only thing that pushed Lompoc closer to the edge . When Cam and I were in middle school , Mr . Ruiz told us the Space Shuttle story . We must have heard it a thousand times by now , but it still felt fresh . " You had to be there , man , " said Mr . Ruiz . " They should have launched the shuttle from Vandenberg right from the beginning . Come on ! We have better weather than Florida . " The shuttle in Vandenberg was supposed to launch in the summer of ' 86 . But after the Challenger disintegrated in mid - flight , the Air Force halted development of their program . It wasn 't until later when I understood what that meant . That growth from the ' 70s and ' 80s slowly turned into decline . Everyone who was part of the program - except Mr . Wold , apparently - left looking for greener pastures , maybe to Cape Canaveral . While I waited for my tank to fill up , I went over to grab my phone . The screen read , " ( 2 ) missed calls from Cameron Ruiz " before Cam tried to call again . I put my arm down and gripped tighter , hoping it would go to voicemail quicker . When it stopped I held it up and read , " ( 3 ) missed calls from Cameron Ruiz . " I put the phone back in the car . Maybe he wants to say goodbye , I thought to myself , or maybe he wants to continue what happened last night ; though I was pretty clear that we were done . A month before graduation I was in a bookstore in Santa Barbara . There was no reason for me to be there . I just wanted to be there . As I browsed the aisles of shelves , I saw Stephanie . Her back was to me and I thought I 'd go up and say hi . But when I went up to her , I ended up freaking her out and she dropped her books . " Shit ! " I said , smiling in hilarity , " I 'm so sorry . " It was hard for my dumb ass to hold back laughter as we both leaned down to pick them up . Then I stopped when I saw bruises on her arms which she quickly covered with her sleeves . We looked at each other and knew there was no way out of it . She didn 't want to say it , and I didn 't want to hear it but I knew what was going on right then and there . With my tank full I drove across the parking lot to avoid the light . The faster I was out , the better . Then Cam started calling me again . In a fury , I stopped the car and picked it up . I finally had a response to his text . " Stop calling me ! ! ! " I typed into the box , " Not only are you mentally unable to make this right , it 's impossible after what you did . I can 't have this kind of poison in my life anymore . " Right when I was about to send it , I deleted all of it and cried . I 'd see Cam kiss her on the cheek and I just wanted to grab him and scream , " You fucking moron ! " I wanted to do something . I just hated that I was too much of a coward to actually do it . Then at the mission , after a few beers , I hit the limit . We were all sitting in a circle and Cam and Steph were doing their thing and he slapped her ass . My first instinct was to say something right there , but I knew that would have done more harm than good . So I asked Cam to talk with me in private . I couldn 't be in a room full of a bunch of enablers . We walked for a while on the mission grounds , mostly because I wanted to find a place that was as far from everyone else as possible . When we came to the fountain between the old pear trees , I stopped . Whether it was the shitty beer or the spirits that supposedly haunt the grounds , or the fact that it was the bare minimum of decency , I had to say something . " Hey man , " said Cam , " I just wanted to say that … I 'm really gonna miss you when you 're gone . " I looked over at to him and said nothing . " I mean … " he continued , " You 're one of my day ones , and I know you 'll be around for holidays and shit but … it won 't be the same . " What he said was heartfelt and sentimental , but I had to stay focused . No good would have come from me returning the sentimentally " Cam , " I said . " I know . " Cam smirked but I knew he was furious . " Alright , " he said as he tried to laugh it off , " So you saw some bruises . What do you think you know ? " " It 's getting late , " he interjected . " I think we 're going to call it a night . " Cam turned around to walk back to the chapel . I 've never seen a person so angry , scared , sad , and whatever else there is at the same time . I looked down and saw that Cam was closing his hands into fists and I braced for impact . But instead he took a step back and smiled in a panic . " That 's what you 're gonna do ? " Cam said , " You 're gonna tell her parents ? " I nodded . Cam stepped back again and threw his arms up and let them drop to his side , still smiling that panicked smile . " Cool , " he said , " You know , that 's fucking weak . Why not just tell the cops ? " " Shut the fuck up ! You piece of shit ! " he yelled . There was a nanosecond where I saw tears in his eyes . " You piece of shit ! " he yelled again . Cam stopped and wiped the tears from his eyes . He fell slowly and sat on the floor . " You know how happy she makes me . " he said with his head down , " She 's the only person in the world that makes me feel this way and you want to take it away . " " This isn 't about you ! " I said back . I wasn 't going to fall for it . " What I 'm doing is correct . Do you not see what you 're doing is wrong ? " Cam stopped crying and stood up . I looked at him and saw his puffy cheeks and red eyes , and I felt sorry for him . He took a deep breath and gathered himself . Cam turned away and shook his head . The silence was deathly . " So , " he said as he turned around and looked at me , " She trusted you . " Cam walked closer to me until I felt the heat from his breath on my nose . " Kinda like how you trusted me when you told me you were gay . " No , we 're not still cool . I came out to my family way before I came out to Cam . How fucking arrogant of him to think I 'd tell him before my family . Did he actually think that texting me would make me forget that he kept my gayness in case he needed it for leverage ? Or was he just really dumb ? Cam was never my friend , just like how Mr . Wold was never building a rocket . It was all just a fantasy that fooled me into thinking I had a reason to ever come back here . Fuck this place . I put the phone down and started the engine to finally leave . Then I looked in my rear - view mirror and saw what looked like standing outside . I thought I was going insane even after I turned around . I got out of the car to get a better look and it was actually her . She wasn 't the cute girl Cam and I saw in Jack in the Box a year ago . She was a completely different person . Maybe that 's why I was confused . Stephanie shrugged and said , " Anywhere . " She looked around for a long while and said , " You know I never got to thank you for what you did last night . You were gone so quick . " " I agreed and got a ride home , " said Stephanie . " Whatever you said worked ' cause it scared the shit out of him . " I nodded . She looked away as a gust a wind blew by . She needed to get out of this place as much as I did - if not more . " Where you going ? " she asked . With that , we were on the road . When we passed the closed - down drive - in , crossed over the dry riverbed and saw the eucalyptus in the distance , we knew were actually leaving . The light next to the bell that marked the El Camino Real turned red and Stephanie jumped out of the car . She ran across to the dry grass field and raised both middle fingers up towards the town . I watched her and my phone started vibrating . As suspected it was Cam calling . But before I had a chance to put it down , the ground started to shake . Another rocket , I thought . But it kept shaking , violently and ceaselessly . I saw the people in the cars around me get out and look towards the town in disbelief as more pulled to do the same . I looked over and my jaw dropped . It was a rocket , but it wasn 't coming from base . It was coming right from where my neighborhood was . I jumped out of the car and stood next to Stephanie , whose arms dropped in disbelief . He did it . That crazy motherfucker across the street actually did it . It took him more than 20 years but Mr . Wold was " gittin ' out of here . " But all I could think about was what everyone in town was doing . I thought about my parents , how relieved they must be now that Mr . Wold was fucking gone and how annoyed they must be about the crater in place of his house . I thought about Mr . Ruiz and how he 'll tell this story years from now . " There 's that pole where those kids died . " I said to him as we passed a telephone pole that stood like a column for the fallen . Adorned with candles of Saint Lawrence and dried flowers in old vases , that 's all it was to me . The pole where those kids died . " What ? " he asked . I know I 've told him this story before . In fact , I 've told it so many times he once said , " Yeah you tell me this story all the time . " " You know , " I said , " they 're the kids with their jerseys hanging in the school gym . " He nodded . I knew if I linked it with something involving sports , he would remember . God I love him . This is the first time that Sean would be meeting my family . I just wished it was for a less depressing reason . A week ago , I was sick . So sick , I had to stay home from work . I remember the sickness because with it came a tremendous sadness . " It 's Papa Lilliana … " she said . That was my grandfather . His name wasn 't Lilliana ; I don 't even know what kind of name that is . We just called him that because when Cousin Howard was little , he couldn 't say , Papa William . So he called him , " Papa Lilliana " and from that day on , that was his name . When I was five or six , I was watching TV and Papa Lilliana was watching me watch TV . That was his favorite activity . It didn 't matter what I was watching , whether it was " That 's So Raven " or one of the hundreds of silent movies Cousin Howard would force me to watch , Papa Lilliana loved looking at his granddaughter . " You 're right Pop , " he said , as he took the DVD out . " I 'll see you tomorrow . " He walked out the door and I put on " That 's So Raven . " " She looks a lot like you , Wendy , " he 'd say to my mother . And she would nod . Then he needed help eating . Two years ago he said , " Where 's Renee ? " my grandmother who had died four years prior . Last year during Christmas he looked at me and said , " Christmas hasn 't been the same since Camille left . She needs to visit once in a while . " " How 's Travis doing ? " Sean asked . I looked into the back seat and saw Travis curled in a ball sleeping and snoring . His jowls would vibrate every time air would exit his body , making him look even more comic than usual . For my degree , I had to take a Russian philosophy course . I don 't know why this course existed as oppose to Greek or Ethiopian philosophy or any other national philosophy for that matter . But the one thing I got out of it was Sean . I hate being one of those people that have this story about a hot guy looking back at them and asking to barrow a pencil resulting in love at first sight . Unfortunately , I am one of those people . The only difference is that he tapped me on the shoulder , and he asked if he could barrow a few bucks for lunch and that he 'd promise to pay me back ( he never did ) . Then we drove by my past . Lompoc cared about two things : The Old Town area , ( an area that no one ever goes to because all there is are expensive antique stores and a sushi bar ) and high school football . We passed by the center of town . That 's not a metaphor . Lompoc High School was literally in the center of town and I suppose adolescent life . The ' 50s era buildings surrounded by overgrown junipers made the school look like a rundown motel of the same era . Student murals of space travel and children watching rocket launches from Vandenberg Air Force Base didn 't help either . Yet when I looked at the school , it was like seeing an old friend at your grocery store . There was a warmth to the encounter , but to approach was never appropriate . Next to the school was the football stadium that looked like it hadn 't been updated since they replaced the wooden bleachers when I was a junior . I remember going to the games with Cousin Howard and his friends . They never actually watched the game , they didn 't really care . It was just a reason to be together with each other . The marching band would play their tribute to Queen during halftime and I would look at my cousin , a lover of the arts in his own right , and see him cringe with pure anger and disappointment . I laughed once when he stood up in the stands and yelled , " The percussion should never be louder than the winds ! " No one did anything because they knew he was right . " Freddie Mercury 's rolling in his grave right now ! " he said . We passed through town and found ourselves at the gates of The Family House . Not my family house . The Family House . I call it that because that was our clan 's gathering place during holidays , graduations and because we didn 't see each other since last Wednesday . This ranch style house with a five decade old loquat tree next to the newer olive tree was the place where we decided to have Thanksgiving Dinner in the middle of September because we were bored . It also happened to be the house my family lived in . Someone had to live in it . We parked on the curb across the street because that was the closest we would be able to get with all the cars right in front of it . I saw the younger cousins ( now teenagers ) playing football in the front yard . They reminded me of my generation of boy cousins who would always do the same . As I watched my nieces - who didn 't even say hi to me , but that 's beside point - lead my two boys under the same tree that I played under , it finally hit me . Not only was the family that I built under the tree , but so was the family I would always have . Today was the day that I was able to combine the two . Blog , Fiction , Short Story , Susurrus Fiction , Sac City , Short Story , Zachary FR Anderson Mr . Dillon married Mrs . Dillon in the winter of 1983 . Mr . and Mrs . Dillon lived in a house that was at the end of a cul - de - sac in the same town that they grew up in . In that town , they lived with the people they went to school with who lived on the same street in houses that looked like the one before and after . Mr . and Mrs . Dillon had two children like everyone else and they went to the same elementary school as their friends ' children who were all the same age . Mr . Dillon was a law man . Mr . Dillon was the only man that lived on his block that had a job that required him to drive more than five miles . Mr . Dillon worked in the city that was thirty miles away . Mr . Dillon worked from nine in the morning and so he left at 8 : 30am in order to be on time . He worked until five and so he arrived home at 5 : 30am . It was just in time for Mr . Dillon to eat dinner with his family , read a chapter of a book , and go to bed at exactly 9 : 00pm . Mrs . Dillon worked at home like the other women on her block . Mrs . Dillon woke up thirty minutes before her husband and made Mr . Dillon breakfast . During the fall , winter , and spring , she drove the children to a school that was one mile south of their block . Mrs . Dillon would then go back home and clean the house , prepare a small lunch , and make no more than three runs around town to pay bills and drop off mail . Mrs . Dillon would go on a walk before picking up her children . When they came home , Mrs . Dillon would make dinner . Mrs . Dillon went to bed at 9 : 00pm with her husband without saying a word . Then the day continued as if on a cycle . During the summer , Mrs . Dillon would not need to drive as much . Her children would play outside and would do so until Mr . Dillon arrived at 5 : 30pm . But the day was still the same . They were alum of the university that was twenty miles north of the town . They went to school with the same people they went to high school with . When they were older , and their children were also older , their son , Christopher , played football with the children of Mr . and Mrs . Dillon 's friends from high school . Christopher was a descendent of a long line of men who were also named Christopher , dating back to when their town was only a few fields that grew either wheat or corn . Christopher 's ancestor had the same face as his father 's . This was most likely the only thing that made the Dillons unique , the fact that they had lived in the same spot since before the Maine was destroyed . Christopher did not want to be like Mr . and Mrs . Dillon . Christopher wanted to leave and live somewhere else . Then he met , Dorothy , who held her books while walking to class . Dorothy was beautiful . Christopher was handsome . Their relationship , was one that was looked at as adequate and model . Christopher first held Dorothy 's hand when they were both fourteen . Christopher first kissed Dorothy when he was fifteen . Dorothy first slept next to Christopher when they were both sixteen . They did not make love until they were both seventeen . When they were both eighteen , they moved in together . They shared an apartment that was one half mile east of the University in the city . They went to school together . They studied together , ate together , and went to sleep without words , together . Christopher and Dorothy graduated , together . They took a trip to Paris with other couples that they had grown up with . They came home , and lived in an apartment that was downtown in the city . Christopher got a job as an assistant to a man who managed a company . Dorothy , was able to babysit for money . Christopher would come home exhausted , Dorothy would sleep with him . Three years passed , and Christopher married Dorothy . Both their parents were in attendance . Christopher and Dorothy honeymooned in Puerto Rico for no more than two weeks . Eight months and two weeks after , they had a child . " What should his name be ? " asked Dorothy . Christopher thought for a moment before answering , " Christopher . "

I took a moment to look around my bedroom , now filled with piles of boxes that were marked either " storage " or " school " in blue sharpie . I have too much stuff , I thought to myself . There were a lot of other things I could have been thinking about ; the party after graduation , what happened after I left last night . I just had so much crap . Dad was the only person in my sphere that was against me going to Berkeley . To him , my going there was like a personal attack as if I were running away . During our regular arguments he 'd always bring up how I got into Cal Poly and how I should go there instead . He 'd always talk about how close it was , how many people I 'd know and the convenience of it all . In his head it was the superior school . I tapped the text box to reply . As the line flashed I drew a blank . I didn 't know what to say and I could only imagine what he saw on his end . Those silent ellipses flashing as if I were writing a heartfelt message back - if he was still looking at the screen . I closed it and put my phone away . I 'll reply later . Last night a few friends and I decided to sneak into La Purisima Mission which is considered by many " paranormal experts " to be one of the most haunted places in California . Since the Schwarzenegger budget cuts the security presence has been limited at best . As a result , local kids made it a rite of passage to spend a night on the grounds . Cam took it a step further and brought beer . I don 't usually drink beer , but that night I drank it . When the pounding in my head ceased . I got onto my knees and dragged the box to my bookcase . Once I filled it with my copies of Doctorow and Hemingway I taped it closed and tried to decide whether to mark it storage or school . On one hand , I might need to grab my copy of Ragtime in the near future . But what if I never needed it ? As I loaded the boxes into the car , the familiar rumbling of a rocket launch from Vandenberg broke the silence of the afternoon . I didn 't look up , the days when that was cool had passed long ago . Instead I continued loading the car while the rumble slowly faded back to silence . When I finished , I leaned against the side door to wait for my family to see me off . My phone vibrated again . When I took it out the notification read , " Instagram : cam805 just posted a photo . " I opened Instagram to look at the post . It was the two of us when we were kids . Cam was wearing his royal blue youth football jersey , something he would wear for most of his life , and I the yellow hoodie I used to wear all the time . " # tbt me & my day1 back in the day , " read the caption . " Good luck at Cal ! " No doubt similar pictures of Cam in a football uniform and me in civilian clothing were out there somewhere . But looking at this one was like looking at an ancient relic from days long ago , back when watching rocket launches was cool . Cam called those days at Miguelito " the good ole ' days " and maybe they were . Back then when there was a rocket launch , the entire school would rush out of class to watch . Seeing those long lines of white steam exit the blue and enter the black was so bewitching to my 10 - year - old self . It made me wonder when the blue ended and black began . In those days after school , I 'd walk with Cam to his grandfather , Mr . Ruiz 's house and wait for Mom to get off work . Mr . Ruiz had lived in Lompoc his entire life and he would always tell us stories about what the town was like before we were born . Like how back in the ' 60s all of the shops closed for the day to see Bobby Kennedy pass through for his campaign , or when the city finally had to build another high school - our crosstown rival Cabrillo . Whenever he 'd tell us about these times it was always with some sort of regret that they had to pass . How Cam and I remained friends for so long I 'll never understand . We never had anything in common and even though I went to his games , it was because my parents were on the board for the youth league - I had no choice . While he was on the field I was reading in the bleachers completely uninterested and unaware of what was going on . But I guess he returned that same sentiment by being unaware of what went on in my life . He was playing and I was going through a crisis of self . The Saturday after the first week of school was when all the players in the league would have their height and weight taken so they could be sorted into age divisions . Once sorted , the coaches would draft them into teams . This was apparently a big deal and it took all day and it was why I spent one day every year for nine years in the equipment room while Dad and another board member - usually Mr . Ruiz - weighed over 200 kids and argued with their parents . Cam would have practice right after he was weighed , so I spent the day inside staring at the shelves of old helmets and shoulder pads that were the abyss . Then the older boys would come in and my attention would turn from the shelves to them stripping down to their underwear . Something made me feel like this wasn 't okay . So it was a struggle for me to look without being obvious . " It 's fine , son , " Dad once said . " We 're all men in here . " I think he thought I felt uncomfortable seeing people naked , but what was saying that supposed to achieve ? I think Mr . Ruiz saw me and knew what was going on . One year he came up to me with a Magic Treehouse book and said , " The equipment hasn 't moved . " It was easier to not look after that . I tried to write a response , but I went back to look through his profile some more . I stopped to look at a post of Cam in his football uniform and his girlfriend , Stephanie , kissing from opposite sides of a low fence . The post was captioned , " HOME OF THE BRAVES BABY ! " which was flanked by a blue heart emoji on both sides . The night it was taken , Cam was still on a victory high after Lompoc beat Cabrillo . When the fourth quarter ended , he handed me his phone and told me to take the picture . It was very uncomfortable and it didn 't help that it took a few tries to get it right . At the time Cam and Stephanie had been dating for about a year and a half . I thought she was nice , but I never thought anything more of her . As far as I was concerned , she was just another one of Cam 's pseudo - girlfriends he always seemed to have since we were 12 . And by that time , Mom didn 't like that I was becoming a third wheel . I 'd never been asked that question before . What did she mean by like ? I thought some girls in my class were cool or funny , but did that mean I liked them ? Luckily , Dad saved me from this confusion . " He 's obviously not interested into girls yet , " he interjected . " Wait till he 's 14 , he 'll be all over them . " With that deadline in mind , I turned 13 and realized that the reason I didn 't like girls was because I liked guys . I didn 't live in a homophobic environment , it was just something we never talked about . As self - important as it may sound , I actually thought I was the only guy in the world who liked other guys . In what seemed like a simple solution , I decided that I wasn 't going to like guys or girls - spoiler : it didn 't work . " God dammit ! Son ' f bitch ! " yelled a familiar voice . I looked across the street and saw our neighbor , Mr . Wold , trying to push a piece of scrap metal off his foot . When it was off , he took hold of his foot and focused on the pain . In the ' 70s and ' 80s , the Air Force began developing their own Space Shuttle program at Vandenberg . Mr . Wold was a relic from the wave of young engineers and physicists who rushed to this little hamlet on Point Conception with their families and the hopes of becoming the new Cape Canaveral . Because of this sudden influx of people , the town experienced unprecedented growth . Mr . Ruiz called it " the space rush . " Of all his stories , his favorite ones came from the space rush . He 's tell us about the kids Cam 's parents played with and how the city commissioned Mrs . Ruiz to paint a mural to welcome the new residents . But whenever he 'd tell us about when the Space Shuttle arrived , it was always with an air of hope . " We knew that the shuttle was supposed to come , " he said , " but when we looked up into the sky and saw it on top of that big plane that was when it became real . They were gonna be launching shuttles every hour . Every day . We were gonna be Cape Canaveral . That was gonna be us . " When my parents finally came outside , the goodbye process began . Whatever feelings Dad had about my leaving were gone . He gave his " I 'm proud of you " speech before checking my oil one last time and giving me a hug where - I swear - I heard a whimper . Mom cried , too . She gave her " be safe " speech and hugged me again . Mr . Wold 's scrap metal dragging briefly interrupted us . Dad looked across the street and watched through gritted teeth . Somehow he was able to say , " You need help with that , Hank ? " Mr . Wold stopped and looked up at Dad . " I don 't need no help ! " he proclaimed before loudly dragging the rusty axel through the side gate . My parents looked over and just glared at Mr . Wold 's house . " Recycling , " Dad answered just to get me to stop . He knew I was fucking with him . Even when his son was going off to college , he still found time to hate Mr . Wold . It was petty , and it was also the funniest thing in the world . Mom loved the idea of Cam and Stephanie together and to an extent I guess I did , too . Regardless of how irritated I 'd get when Cam went on his " I 'm in deep " rants , I cared about his happiness . Mom did too , but I had my suspicions that she liked it - at least partially - because I didn 't date girls . " Maybe you two need to cut your time together , " I said . " I don 't know , you know the situation better than I do . " I continued , " Once in a while you need to be a person as opposed to being part of a couple . That 's just me , though . " Cam sighed and said , " It 's just … why would I not want to be with her ? I know what you 're saying but you 'd understand if you finally found a girl . " Nothing was said until we got onto the 101 near Gaviota and Cam brought up the same subject . " Like you really need to find yourself a girl , " he said , " You 're cool and shit , you could get one . " I looked out the window across the Santa Barbara channel . The sun had settled just behind Santa Rosa Island , turning the sky into a murky shade of tangerine that sparkled off the water . The lights on the oil rigs beyond the island made them look like galleons sailing for a distant place in a distant time . The world was changing around us , and I didn 't want to have conversations like this anymore . " Look , " Cam persisted , " maybe Lompoc girls aren 't your type . I get it , not a lot to choose from . You 'll find her though . " " Sure , " I said , but I immediately realized that wasn 't a clear enough answer . " Yeah , " I added . I looked back at him . Cam was silent for a few minutes before he started nodding . " Yeah , " said Cam , " You 're one of my day ones . You liking guys or girls , isn 't gonna change that . " I was taken aback by his apathy . He treated what I just told him like he found out I cheated on a test . He looked over at me and made an assuring smirk . " We 're still cool , " he said . I hugged my parents one more time , promised to come back for the nearest holiday and then I was off . A couple blocks down , my phone started vibrating in my pocket . I pulled it out and saw that Cam was calling me before I put the phone on the center console and kept driving . I tried not to think about why he was calling , but I did find a diversion when I saw that I was running on empty . It was the only time I felt relieved that I needed to get gas . Usually I 'd go to Sunshine Market since it was the cheapest . But that was out of my way , I also didn 't want to run into Cam in case he was there . It was for the best ; he 'd ask why I didn 't answer his calls / texts and then it would turn into this big thing that neither of us wanted . I went to Circle K in the strip mall near Cajun Kitchen instead . I hated going there . To call it a strip mall was being generous . After the recession , what should have had at least nine storefronts now only had three : the grocery store Albertson 's , Beauty Connection , and - oddly enough - Radio Shack . But Albertson 's was so expensive no one ever went there . The only people there were teenagers learning how to drive and what was left of the employees . It wasn 't like the recession was the only thing that pushed Lompoc closer to the edge . When Cam and I were in middle school , Mr . Ruiz told us the Space Shuttle story . We must have heard it a thousand times by now , but it still felt fresh . " You had to be there , man , " said Mr . Ruiz . " They should have launched the shuttle from Vandenberg right from the beginning . Come on ! We have better weather than Florida . " The shuttle in Vandenberg was supposed to launch in the summer of ' 86 . But after the Challenger disintegrated in mid - flight , the Air Force halted development of their program . It wasn 't until later when I understood what that meant . That growth from the ' 70s and ' 80s slowly turned into decline . Everyone who was part of the program - except Mr . Wold , apparently - left looking for greener pastures , maybe to Cape Canaveral . While I waited for my tank to fill up , I went over to grab my phone . The screen read , " ( 2 ) missed calls from Cameron Ruiz " before Cam tried to call again . I put my arm down and gripped tighter , hoping it would go to voicemail quicker . When it stopped I held it up and read , " ( 3 ) missed calls from Cameron Ruiz . " I put the phone back in the car . Maybe he wants to say goodbye , I thought to myself , or maybe he wants to continue what happened last night ; though I was pretty clear that we were done . A month before graduation I was in a bookstore in Santa Barbara . There was no reason for me to be there . I just wanted to be there . As I browsed the aisles of shelves , I saw Stephanie . Her back was to me and I thought I 'd go up and say hi . But when I went up to her , I ended up freaking her out and she dropped her books . " Shit ! " I said , smiling in hilarity , " I 'm so sorry . " It was hard for my dumb ass to hold back laughter as we both leaned down to pick them up . Then I stopped when I saw bruises on her arms which she quickly covered with her sleeves . We looked at each other and knew there was no way out of it . She didn 't want to say it , and I didn 't want to hear it but I knew what was going on right then and there . With my tank full I drove across the parking lot to avoid the light . The faster I was out , the better . Then Cam started calling me again . In a fury , I stopped the car and picked it up . I finally had a response to his text . " Stop calling me ! ! ! " I typed into the box , " Not only are you mentally unable to make this right , it 's impossible after what you did . I can 't have this kind of poison in my life anymore . " Right when I was about to send it , I deleted all of it and cried . I 'd see Cam kiss her on the cheek and I just wanted to grab him and scream , " You fucking moron ! " I wanted to do something . I just hated that I was too much of a coward to actually do it . Then at the mission , after a few beers , I hit the limit . We were all sitting in a circle and Cam and Steph were doing their thing and he slapped her ass . My first instinct was to say something right there , but I knew that would have done more harm than good . So I asked Cam to talk with me in private . I couldn 't be in a room full of a bunch of enablers . We walked for a while on the mission grounds , mostly because I wanted to find a place that was as far from everyone else as possible . When we came to the fountain between the old pear trees , I stopped . Whether it was the shitty beer or the spirits that supposedly haunt the grounds , or the fact that it was the bare minimum of decency , I had to say something . " Hey man , " said Cam , " I just wanted to say that … I 'm really gonna miss you when you 're gone . " I looked over at to him and said nothing . " I mean … " he continued , " You 're one of my day ones , and I know you 'll be around for holidays and shit but … it won 't be the same . " What he said was heartfelt and sentimental , but I had to stay focused . No good would have come from me returning the sentimentally " Cam , " I said . " I know . " Cam smirked but I knew he was furious . " Alright , " he said as he tried to laugh it off , " So you saw some bruises . What do you think you know ? " " It 's getting late , " he interjected . " I think we 're going to call it a night . " Cam turned around to walk back to the chapel . I 've never seen a person so angry , scared , sad , and whatever else there is at the same time . I looked down and saw that Cam was closing his hands into fists and I braced for impact . But instead he took a step back and smiled in a panic . " That 's what you 're gonna do ? " Cam said , " You 're gonna tell her parents ? " I nodded . Cam stepped back again and threw his arms up and let them drop to his side , still smiling that panicked smile . " Cool , " he said , " You know , that 's fucking weak . Why not just tell the cops ? " " Shut the fuck up ! You piece of shit ! " he yelled . There was a nanosecond where I saw tears in his eyes . " You piece of shit ! " he yelled again . Cam stopped and wiped the tears from his eyes . He fell slowly and sat on the floor . " You know how happy she makes me . " he said with his head down , " She 's the only person in the world that makes me feel this way and you want to take it away . " " This isn 't about you ! " I said back . I wasn 't going to fall for it . " What I 'm doing is correct . Do you not see what you 're doing is wrong ? " Cam stopped crying and stood up . I looked at him and saw his puffy cheeks and red eyes , and I felt sorry for him . He took a deep breath and gathered himself . Cam turned away and shook his head . The silence was deathly . " So , " he said as he turned around and looked at me , " She trusted you . " Cam walked closer to me until I felt the heat from his breath on my nose . " Kinda like how you trusted me when you told me you were gay . " No , we 're not still cool . I came out to my family way before I came out to Cam . How fucking arrogant of him to think I 'd tell him before my family . Did he actually think that texting me would make me forget that he kept my gayness in case he needed it for leverage ? Or was he just really dumb ? Cam was never my friend , just like how Mr . Wold was never building a rocket . It was all just a fantasy that fooled me into thinking I had a reason to ever come back here . Fuck this place . I put the phone down and started the engine to finally leave . Then I looked in my rear - view mirror and saw what looked like standing outside . I thought I was going insane even after I turned around . I got out of the car to get a better look and it was actually her . She wasn 't the cute girl Cam and I saw in Jack in the Box a year ago . She was a completely different person . Maybe that 's why I was confused . Stephanie shrugged and said , " Anywhere . " She looked around for a long while and said , " You know I never got to thank you for what you did last night . You were gone so quick . " " I agreed and got a ride home , " said Stephanie . " Whatever you said worked ' cause it scared the shit out of him . " I nodded . She looked away as a gust a wind blew by . She needed to get out of this place as much as I did - if not more . " Where you going ? " she asked . With that , we were on the road . When we passed the closed - down drive - in , crossed over the dry riverbed and saw the eucalyptus in the distance , we knew were actually leaving . The light next to the bell that marked the El Camino Real turned red and Stephanie jumped out of the car . She ran across to the dry grass field and raised both middle fingers up towards the town . I watched her and my phone started vibrating . As suspected it was Cam calling . But before I had a chance to put it down , the ground started to shake . Another rocket , I thought . But it kept shaking , violently and ceaselessly . I saw the people in the cars around me get out and look towards the town in disbelief as more pulled to do the same . I looked over and my jaw dropped . It was a rocket , but it wasn 't coming from base . It was coming right from where my neighborhood was . I jumped out of the car and stood next to Stephanie , whose arms dropped in disbelief . He did it . That crazy motherfucker across the street actually did it . It took him more than 20 years but Mr . Wold was " gittin ' out of here . " But all I could think about was what everyone in town was doing . I thought about my parents , how relieved they must be now that Mr . Wold was fucking gone and how annoyed they must be about the crater in place of his house . I thought about Mr . Ruiz and how he 'll tell this story years from now . " There 's that pole where those kids died . " I said to him as we passed a telephone pole that stood like a column for the fallen . Adorned with candles of Saint Lawrence and dried flowers in old vases , that 's all it was to me . The pole where those kids died . " What ? " he asked . I know I 've told him this story before . In fact , I 've told it so many times he once said , " Yeah you tell me this story all the time . " " You know , " I said , " they 're the kids with their jerseys hanging in the school gym . " He nodded . I knew if I linked it with something involving sports , he would remember . God I love him . This is the first time that Sean would be meeting my family . I just wished it was for a less depressing reason . A week ago , I was sick . So sick , I had to stay home from work . I remember the sickness because with it came a tremendous sadness . " It 's Papa Lilliana … " she said . That was my grandfather . His name wasn 't Lilliana ; I don 't even know what kind of name that is . We just called him that because when Cousin Howard was little , he couldn 't say , Papa William . So he called him , " Papa Lilliana " and from that day on , that was his name . When I was five or six , I was watching TV and Papa Lilliana was watching me watch TV . That was his favorite activity . It didn 't matter what I was watching , whether it was " That 's So Raven " or one of the hundreds of silent movies Cousin Howard would force me to watch , Papa Lilliana loved looking at his granddaughter . " You 're right Pop , " he said , as he took the DVD out . " I 'll see you tomorrow . " He walked out the door and I put on " That 's So Raven . " " She looks a lot like you , Wendy , " he 'd say to my mother . And she would nod . Then he needed help eating . Two years ago he said , " Where 's Renee ? " my grandmother who had died four years prior . Last year during Christmas he looked at me and said , " Christmas hasn 't been the same since Camille left . She needs to visit once in a while . " " How 's Travis doing ? " Sean asked . I looked into the back seat and saw Travis curled in a ball sleeping and snoring . His jowls would vibrate every time air would exit his body , making him look even more comic than usual . For my degree , I had to take a Russian philosophy course . I don 't know why this course existed as oppose to Greek or Ethiopian philosophy or any other national philosophy for that matter . But the one thing I got out of it was Sean . I hate being one of those people that have this story about a hot guy looking back at them and asking to barrow a pencil resulting in love at first sight . Unfortunately , I am one of those people . The only difference is that he tapped me on the shoulder , and he asked if he could barrow a few bucks for lunch and that he 'd promise to pay me back ( he never did ) . Then we drove by my past . Lompoc cared about two things : The Old Town area , ( an area that no one ever goes to because all there is are expensive antique stores and a sushi bar ) and high school football . We passed by the center of town . That 's not a metaphor . Lompoc High School was literally in the center of town and I suppose adolescent life . The ' 50s era buildings surrounded by overgrown junipers made the school look like a rundown motel of the same era . Student murals of space travel and children watching rocket launches from Vandenberg Air Force Base didn 't help either . Yet when I looked at the school , it was like seeing an old friend at your grocery store . There was a warmth to the encounter , but to approach was never appropriate . Next to the school was the football stadium that looked like it hadn 't been updated since they replaced the wooden bleachers when I was a junior . I remember going to the games with Cousin Howard and his friends . They never actually watched the game , they didn 't really care . It was just a reason to be together with each other . The marching band would play their tribute to Queen during halftime and I would look at my cousin , a lover of the arts in his own right , and see him cringe with pure anger and disappointment . I laughed once when he stood up in the stands and yelled , " The percussion should never be louder than the winds ! " No one did anything because they knew he was right . " Freddie Mercury 's rolling in his grave right now ! " he said . We passed through town and found ourselves at the gates of The Family House . Not my family house . The Family House . I call it that because that was our clan 's gathering place during holidays , graduations and because we didn 't see each other since last Wednesday . This ranch style house with a five decade old loquat tree next to the newer olive tree was the place where we decided to have Thanksgiving Dinner in the middle of September because we were bored . It also happened to be the house my family lived in . Someone had to live in it . We parked on the curb across the street because that was the closest we would be able to get with all the cars right in front of it . I saw the younger cousins ( now teenagers ) playing football in the front yard . They reminded me of my generation of boy cousins who would always do the same . As I watched my nieces - who didn 't even say hi to me , but that 's beside point - lead my two boys under the same tree that I played under , it finally hit me . Not only was the family that I built under the tree , but so was the family I would always have . Today was the day that I was able to combine the two . Blog , Fiction , Short Story , Susurrus Fiction , Sac City , Short Story , Zachary FR Anderson Mr . Dillon married Mrs . Dillon in the winter of 1983 . Mr . and Mrs . Dillon lived in a house that was at the end of a cul - de - sac in the same town that they grew up in . In that town , they lived with the people they went to school with who lived on the same street in houses that looked like the one before and after . Mr . and Mrs . Dillon had two children like everyone else and they went to the same elementary school as their friends ' children who were all the same age . Mr . Dillon was a law man . Mr . Dillon was the only man that lived on his block that had a job that required him to drive more than five miles . Mr . Dillon worked in the city that was thirty miles away . Mr . Dillon worked from nine in the morning and so he left at 8 : 30am in order to be on time . He worked until five and so he arrived home at 5 : 30am . It was just in time for Mr . Dillon to eat dinner with his family , read a chapter of a book , and go to bed at exactly 9 : 00pm . Mrs . Dillon worked at home like the other women on her block . Mrs . Dillon woke up thirty minutes before her husband and made Mr . Dillon breakfast . During the fall , winter , and spring , she drove the children to a school that was one mile south of their block . Mrs . Dillon would then go back home and clean the house , prepare a small lunch , and make no more than three runs around town to pay bills and drop off mail . Mrs . Dillon would go on a walk before picking up her children . When they came home , Mrs . Dillon would make dinner . Mrs . Dillon went to bed at 9 : 00pm with her husband without saying a word . Then the day continued as if on a cycle . During the summer , Mrs . Dillon would not need to drive as much . Her children would play outside and would do so until Mr . Dillon arrived at 5 : 30pm . But the day was still the same . They were alum of the university that was twenty miles north of the town . They went to school with the same people they went to high school with . When they were older , and their children were also older , their son , Christopher , played football with the children of Mr . and Mrs . Dillon 's friends from high school . Christopher was a descendent of a long line of men who were also named Christopher , dating back to when their town was only a few fields that grew either wheat or corn . Christopher 's ancestor had the same face as his father 's . This was most likely the only thing that made the Dillons unique , the fact that they had lived in the same spot since before the Maine was destroyed . Christopher did not want to be like Mr . and Mrs . Dillon . Christopher wanted to leave and live somewhere else . Then he met , Dorothy , who held her books while walking to class . Dorothy was beautiful . Christopher was handsome . Their relationship , was one that was looked at as adequate and model . Christopher first held Dorothy 's hand when they were both fourteen . Christopher first kissed Dorothy when he was fifteen . Dorothy first slept next to Christopher when they were both sixteen . They did not make love until they were both seventeen . When they were both eighteen , they moved in together . They shared an apartment that was one half mile east of the University in the city . They went to school together . They studied together , ate together , and went to sleep without words , together . Christopher and Dorothy graduated , together . They took a trip to Paris with other couples that they had grown up with . They came home , and lived in an apartment that was downtown in the city . Christopher got a job as an assistant to a man who managed a company . Dorothy , was able to babysit for money . Christopher would come home exhausted , Dorothy would sleep with him . Three years passed , and Christopher married Dorothy . Both their parents were in attendance . Christopher and Dorothy honeymooned in Puerto Rico for no more than two weeks . Eight months and two weeks after , they had a child . " What should his name be ? " asked Dorothy . Christopher thought for a moment before answering , " Christopher . "

Tom got into Jack 's pickup , squishing Tiffi closer to Jack . She felt a spark where their legs were touching and she grinned while looking down at the floor . She cleared her throat . She kept looking at Tom who didn 't answer the question . He met her eyes and knew immediately that she knew what really happened . She just kept staring at him , not letting him get away with not answering . " Um - " " You don 't have to answer that Tom . Kat just broke up with her boyfriend two days ago . Tiff 's just trying to set her up with someone already . " Tiffi wanted to defend herself but it was obvious that Tom didn 't want Jack to know . Maybe because Jack was so protective of his friends or maybe he saw Jack kiss her forehead and thought it meant something more . " Well , " she said . " She 's been with Parker for so long and she got so tired of him I thought she would be ready for something … different . " There was an awkward silence . Tom didn 't seem like a real talkative guy . He was selective with his answers when Kat asked him those questions about his career - probably just more of a quiet type . He can 't be a bad guy ; he is a firefighter . Tiffi 's leg felt like it was burning where it touched Jack 's . She was always so aware of Jack . He was always so close . Well , they were friends , right ? She remembered when he and Kat used to date in school . They both had a crush on him their junior year ; the big jock , good looking despite the freckles and red hair . There was something about him that made all the girls want him . Well , he showed an interest in Kat at some point , Kat being more out - going and fun than herself . Kat had long legs and long straight hair and she ran like a gazelle . Tiffi was short , fuzzy haired and tried to hide her curves behind baggy shirts . Not overweight in the least , but big boobs that were a little embarrassing . Back then it wasn 't unusual for her to nab her brother 's sweatshirts when he wasn 't looking . Kat and Jack only dated a few times before they realized that they had to just be friends and call it a night , so to speak . They never slept together and Kat always said there was something missing in his kiss . They only kissed twice . The first kiss was kind of awkward so they tried again . They both busted up laughing and came back that Monday to school the best of friends , next to Tiffi , of course . They became a threesome and the rest was history . These last ten years or so have been building , though . She tried to find excuses to be with him without Kat and longed for him to touch her . It was funny . He was so affectionate with Kat , always putting his arm around her , or like tonight , kissing her forehead in a brotherly way . He was affectionate with Tiffi sometimes , but it was stiff and quickly removed , like she was on fire . His cell phone buzzed in his pocket against her and he reached for it pushing against her hip . " Sorry , " he said . and jerked it out only to see it was from his mama . " Oh , hell . " He sighed and opened it . " Hi , ma . " He pulled the phone away from his ear while Brenda , his mother , rambled loud enough for Tiffi to hear every word . Brenda thought you had to yell to be heard on a cell phone . " … make sure you check on her . Do you remember what happened to your Great - Uncle Bob ? He had that minor concussion that resulted into a coma . " " Yeah , ma , Tiff and I just checked on her and he 's feeling much better . The first twenty - four hours are the most critical , but she 's feeling pretty good . And Uncle Bob didn 't have a minor concussion , he had a minor stroke . There 's nothing to worry about . " He swung left at the stop sign and pulled up to Maggie 's . Tom got out into the swirling wind and jogged to the door . Tiffi started to scoot over to the passenger side and immediately felt the burning spot on her leg get cold . She put her seatbelt on as Jack pulled ahead to make a u - turn in the main square . She sighed inwardly . Was she the only one who felt it ? Was he awkward around her because he knew she was madly in love with him and he didn 't want her that way ? Maybe he was worried of ruining their friendship . No , she wouldn 't give herself false hope . He probably didn 't want to lead her on since he didn 't have the same feelings for her . What was this awkward silence ? He mind raced to think of something to say before they got to her apartment building . More silence . Well , she thought , if he was so comfortable with the whole situation then she would be too . Who cares if he didn 't see her that way . Isn 't it better to be friends than to be away from him ? She tried to look relaxed in her seat and watched Jack from the corner of her eye . He looked very tense . He was rubbing the back of his neck . They both started talking at the same time . " Well , " he started . " I 've been thinking … lately . About , well … I 've been wondering … " He stopped . He pulled into her parking and put the truck in park . He smiled at her and she smiled back and let out a breath . He seemed to relax , too . " Great , I 'll see later , " she said and opened the door and got out . Tom walked into Maggie 's Grill n ' Pub to sounds of country music and people laughing . He 'd only been here once when he first got to town and that had been a lunch crowd . It had been a crowd of various business people on lunch break , a large party of construction workers , and moms meeting for lunch with removable baby car seats and messy toddlers . It was a different crowd now . Not much rougher , seeing as it had to cater to everyone being the only restaurant you could sit down and eat in . The pizza place on down the street didn 't count because was pick - up or delivery only . Maggie 's was also the only bar in town . He sat down at the far side of the bar to people - watch . You could learn a lot about people just by watching them with an indiscernible eye . He caught a flash of blonde hair out of the corner of his eye and thought … crazy things . He closed his eyes and turned to the direction of the flash . When he opened them he let out a breath of relief . She was a young server running around taking orders at the little tables who couldn 't be more than nineteen or twenty with long blonde hair , faded jeans , and skinny t - shirt and tan skin . She was almost too skinny , but swift way she moved indicated a healthy body . He turned back toward his original destination , the bar . Tom thought for a moment then removed his card from his wallet . " Sure . " He knew it wasn 't the best idea , but he had already tried the conventional ways of getting rid of the nightmares and hallucinations . Time to try drowning them . " Thanks , " said Tom and followed his glance to table , too . There sat two men , one looked real young , with a messy mop of blonde hair . The other was a contrast to himself . He was wearing clean business - casual clothes , including a tie and jacket , but his hair was slicked back and oily , and his face was full of pockmarks and scars . Tom thought he saw a portion of a tattoo on his right hand . " It 's a good town ; a close one . Almost everybody knows everybody else 's business . " It was clear Ziggy wasn 't just making small talk . " Yes . I have found that out very quickly , " he replied leaning back . " Have you heard anything I should be concerned about ? " He was trying to judge if Ziggy was another of Kat 's family members . He didn 't show any resemblance to the family , but looks were deceiving . He waited to see if he had a sawed off shotgun under the counter like Mr . McNicol . Ziggy just chuckled . " Working in a bar you hear some really interesting things . Probably a little exaggerated given the alcohol , but usually true . A little thing can spread like wildfire , so just watch yourself . This town lives for gossip . " The bartender moved to another customer and left Tom , returning only to ask if he wanted a refill . He noticed a family getting up to leave and thought he should make it back to the firehouse before it got too frigid outside . The skinny blonde server walked up to the bar near Tom and whispered to Ziggy , " I swear , if those two over there don 't leave I 'm gonna have a permanent hand print on my ass ! They asked for more beer . I think you should cut them off before I cut that creepy one 's hand off ! " " We close in a half hour , Jenna , can you survive until then ? Tell them it 's last call . " He looked at Tom and said , can I get you a last drink ? " He made his way through the tables to the door and over heard the two men who were also making their way out . " … don 't see why I can 't go now . It would save so much time , " the young guy said . " Because the snow 's drifting . It 's not safe , " the ' creepy one ' said , as Jenna had called him . He didn 't looked too concerned about the kid 's safety , though . What wasn 't safe ? The roads weren 't too bad . The sun had a chance to dry up what had melted earlier so the roads weren 't icy . Although that had struck him as odd , Tom didn 't concentrate too much on the two men . He had to concentrate on his feet instead and it seemed like multitasking was a bad idea . He walked the direction of the firehouse and the two men went the other way . A few minutes later he noticed them drive by in a light blue sedan and then turn to go out of town toward the truck stop . The air outside was frigid and the wind was biting his ears . He wished he had thought to wear his stocking hat instead of his WFD one . He rubbed his hands together and jammed them into his jacket pockets . He tried to think warm thoughts as he picked his way among the drifts that were blowing across the sidewalks again . He tried to imagine he was walking through a burning , building , the baking , the waves of heat that seem to block your path , smoke billowing through windows . It didn 't help . It was such a contrast to what he was actually feeling it made it worse . His thoughts drifted to his evening at Kat 's house . It was warm there . He was tempted to turn onto her street and get warm , but he knew the alcohol was lubricating his brain . They had agreed to be friends . That was a good start . He hadn 't had feelings like this for a long time . In fact , he hadn 't had feeling like this for nearly two years , not since that last night before … I was bounced awake by Nomad shifting position every ten seconds ; he probably had to go outside . I grudgingly rolled off the bed putting my feet down on the drafty wood floor and walked on my tip - toes to reduce the feel of the cold to the carpet of the stairs . Nomad and Dingy barreled down and were in the kitchen in a flash spinning of circles , their toenails sounding like hail on a tin roof . It was dark out so they were probably starving . I glanced at the clock and it was a little past seven at night . No wonder they 're hungry . Now that I think about it , I 'm pretty hungry . I hadn 't eaten since breakfast this morning . I really didn 't feel like cooking , though . Pizza sounds good . Then my door bell rings . I start walking towards the door , again , when whoever is out there starts pounding on the wood . I was there in a second and swung it open to see Tiffi there looking frazzled . " Oh , thank goodness , " she said breathless and flung her arms around me . I caught a brief glimpse of two sets of broad shoulder behind her . " I was so worried . I 'm so sorry . I thought your mom or your sister would come over or something , but when I talked to them and nobody had heard from you I panicked , " then she whispered , " Sorry . " I strained out of her arms and looked to see who the shoulders belonged to . It was Jack and Tom . I inwardly groaned . Tom was looking yummy in his leather jacket and WFD hat . He hadn 't shaved but he smelled like that spicy soap from yesterday . His eye looked pretty bad underneath . I winced inwardly . I backed up and held the door open for everyone . At the same time Dingy rushed in , barking at the newcomers , followed closely by Nomad . Dingy bypassed Jack and Tiffi and went straight to Tom to circle him once and head back to the kitchen . My couch and matching loveseat were an antique set from the seventies with upholstery that looked like weaved yarn in various shades of brown . My house was pretty drafty despite the new insulation I installed last year so I kept plenty of throws folded over the backs of everything . I grabbed a warm chenille and wrapped myself in it before flopping in the lazy - boy , carefully tucking in my feet . Tiffi did the same with a weaved throw of embroidered Labradors and flopped on the loveseat stretching out her feet . That left the men to sit at opposite ends of the couch , Jack closer to Tiff and Tom on my side . They didn 't wrap up in blankets , but Jack did stretch out his feet in front of him . He knew he could make himself at home here and did on occasion when he didn 't feel like staying at his mom 's or got too drunk at the bar . He always stayed on the couch . " Help yourselves , guys , " I replied . I grabbed the remote and flipped between all the channels . There was nothing on so I left it on Comedy Central . " So how does the rest of the town look ? " I heard Jack mumble something about girly beer in the kitchen . I only bought the light beer with lime . He came back in with three beers and a water bottle . " Actually , Tom here had half of Main Street shoveled before the rest of us caught on and went out too , " he handed water to me and the beers to Tom and Tiff . " Can 't have the new guy making us look bad . " He nudged Tom 's shoulder before sitting down . " Hey , can I have the remote ? " Jack made a grab for it . I let him have it staying out of the fight that followed . Tom leaned toward me , " Do they always act like this ? " He nodded and relaxed back taking a swig of beer . Nomad loped in and sat next to my chair , putting his head on my leg and wagging his tail . This chair was the only piece of furniture he was allowed on so I was in his spot . He knew not to climb up on me though . I was the pack leader . " Go lie down , baby , " I said and patted him on the head . Tom seemed impressed when Nomad loped over to the corner where he had a bulky pillow all to himself . Dingy was anxious as ever and paced around the furniture . The cats were nowhere to be found , but it was just a matter of time . Jack somehow won the fight and had the TV turned to March Madness . Tiffi looked angry , but I knew it was a put - on . She had filled out a bracket like the rest of us and was curious as to who was winning . " So , Tom , where are you from ? " I asked . I know it sounds lame , but where else am I going to start ? " Ugh , " I replied . That just figures . I just couldn 't find a guy with the same likes as me . At least none I was attracted to . Parker wasn 't any kind of sports fan . " No way . Romo is in his prime . It 's not happening this year , " he smiled smugly . He was sitting on the edge of the cushion with his elbows resting on his knees . Jack piped up , " Don 't get her started , man . She was devastated when Farve thought about retiring . I 've been trying to bring her home to the Browns for years , but she won 't let it go . " I got up before anyone else could offer . I grabbed my purse and nearly sprinted to the front door . I really was feeling better . The delivery kid reminded me of the squeaky - voiced teenager from The Simpson 's who is always at the fast food place or the movie theater . I gave him a nice tip for coming in the bad weather . I placed the pizzas on the coffee table in the living room and passed out napkins . Jack got his signature anchovies with bacon and peppers ( ugh ! ) on half , Tiffi got the other half ham , pineapple , and almonds , and the other pizza was just plain pepperoni lovers . That was me . I watched Tom to see which kind of pizza he would eat and he grabbed some of Tiffi 's half and some pepperoni . So he wasn 't averse to trying bizarre things , but still stays away from the scary . That 's good . And why am I over analyzing his pizza likes ? I had no doubt that Jack could finish his half on his own . I don 't know what it is with him and disgusting fish combinations . My stomach turned just watching him chew it . I turned my focus back on Tom . I got the hint that he didn 't want to elaborate on what happened so I said , " Do you like it at the WFD ? Jack 's not giving you a hard time is he ? I could fix that for you , you know . I know his mama real well . " Jack threw a pillow at me . I threw it back at him . He looked relieved , chuckled and said , " No , that 's alright . Nothing out of the ordinary . " Sophie walked over to him and rubbed back and forth on his legs then proceeded to rub on Jack 's , then meowed because nobody gave her any attention . I walked over to the dogs ' bowls and gave them the uneaten crusts and pick up my sexy kitty . I scratched her ears and thought about what Tom had said . Or hadn 't said . Surely that wasn 't such and unusual question . People ask me from time to time why I got into realty . It 's always the same answer : I like it and I wanted to make money . But he looked so … vacant when he mentioned his hometown . He moved here from Columbus , but he 's from Akron . Something happened in Akron to make him want to become a fire fighter , but why didn 't he want to serve in his own town ? Tiffi came in with some wadded up napkins and empty bottles . " I 've been lying down all day . I needed to do something . Besides it 's done enough for tonight . " Actually I was tired again and when I thought about it I had to hide a yawn . " We 're gonna get going . It 's late and you need to go back to sleep . " " Don 't be . I 'm fine . I 'll be back to work tomorrow . " I shrugged my shoulder . I knew he hadn 't meant the fall . He meant the kiss . " Stop right there . Don 't ever apologize for kissing someone unless they slap you , alright ? Besides , I 'm fine . " He was looking down at his feet and his hands were in his jacket pockets . I wanted him to look back at me . I think he 's actually kind of shy . Cute . " You met Grandpa Mickey ? And you 're still alive ? Impressive . You know he keeps a loaded sawed off shotgun under the counter ? You 're one of the lucky ones . " He laughed at that . His eyes crinkled a little and he finally looked back up . I wanted him to kiss me again right there . I think he wanted to kiss me , too but just then I heard an impatient honk from Jack 's pickup . The wind was picking up and I noticed the freshly shoveled snow start to drift . He stepped outside and waved back at Jack . He turned back to me and placed his hands on either side or the doorway and said , " Well , anyway , um , I hope we can be friends . " But he had such and unfriendly look in his eye , if you know what I mean . He wanted to kiss me again . I wanted to kiss him again , badly . I took a step toward him and leaned on the door jam . and said , " Hmm . I 'll think about it if your football loyalties come back from the dark side . " I had him smiling again . Oh , baby . I could stare at that smile all night . I felt a shiver , but I wasn 't sure if it was from him or the open door . " Yes , mom , I 'm perfectly fine . I told you - my client took me to the clinic and it 's just a mild concussion . No worse than what the football players get at the games and they all still play football . I think I 'll be fine to shovel my walk . Don 't send Dad . " " Well , what about Parker ? I 'm sure he would shovel your walk for you , " she replied . Obviously she hadn 't paid any attention to my football player explanation . " No , mom , and please , please , don 't call him again . " I paused , not really sure how to tell her that I dumped him . She would take it harder than he did . I settled for the Friends version , " Parker and I are on a break . " She gasped . " Oh , honey , are you okay ? Why ? What happened ? " I could hear her voice dripping in sympathy but it made me wonder if she was intentionally laying it on thick . Was I the last person to realize Parker and I weren 't meant for each other ? " Well , I was never sure about the whole vegetarian thing ; so unnatural . That 's too bad , " she continued . The she lowered her voice the way she does when she has a juicy piece of gossip , " You know , my sister called me this morning from the hardware store and said that your client was in and bought a shovel to help dig out the town . Apparently he started his shoveling at the realty office . What 's he like ? " And , here we go . No way was I going to tell her about our encounter on the floor of the Logan house - it would be all over town faster than you could blink . " Um , he 's a fireman and he just moved here from Columbus and he really liked the Logan house . In fact he 's probably shoveling out the office so he can put in an official offer . " " No way , mom . I 'm fine . Really . Don 't send Dad and for goodness sake do not call my client or Parker to shovel me out . If I really want help I 'll call Jack , he 's just around the corner . No need to send Dad out in four feet of snow when you 're ten miles out of town . " " I know , but seriously , don 't worry . I 'm not going anywhere today so it 's not a big deal if my front walk isn 't shoveled . Okay ? " I remembered hearing about them . The Bloomwood Estates was the only town trailer park . Billy and Bethany were three years ahead of me in high school . He got her preggo their junior year , got married immediately , moved in with her mama and had two more babies by the time I graduated . They 're doing pretty alright for themselves now , though . They have their own trailer next door to her mama and three more kids . They seem very happy . We hung up and I flopped down on the bed , exhausted . The headache , then Parker , then my mother : at least I got mom out of the way . Hopefully Parker won 't come knocking again . Maybe Tom will … No ! I cannot allow that thought to finish . It 's time for a nap and to clear my head . It was only ten thirty , but it felt like evening . I walked to the bathroom from my bedroom , downed three aspirin with some water from the tap and headed back to my room . That 's when the doorbell rang . I ran to the front door ready to strangle whoever it was so I could have a few hours of peace . It was probably Jack or Tiffi , hopefully not Parker . I paused a second in front of the mirror on the wall perpendicular to the front door , just in case it was … never mind . I opened the door to a young guy in his early twenties . He was only a couple of inches taller than me and pretty stocky , and he wore a thin coat and no hat , but he had enough bushy blonde hair on his head to make up for it . He also had a shovel in his hand . " Okay , then . Let me get my purse . " I left the door ajar and went to get my purse . I rummaged through my wallet to find enough money to give him when I noticed the bank envelope . The gas mistake seemed like a one time thing and I already got my money back . No need to give myself another headache when I 've already balanced the past months anyway . I tossed the envelope into the pile of papers I need to take to the office to shred and turned around to go back to the front door and smacked straight into the man . " Sorry , sorry . It 's pretty cold outside . I hope you don 't mind I stepped in a minute to get warm , " he said looking sheepish . He back away and stepped out the open front door . " No , thank you . You 're saving my mom a big headache thinking I 'm snowed in . " Then I added , " Keep warm , " before I shut the door , locking it . He stood there with his long brown hair sticking out from under his stocking hat and his sad puppy brown eyes looked concerned . I used to just melt when he would give me that look , but now I was just annoyed . I wanted to yell at him to grow up or get over it or something . I heard Tiffi discreetly go to the kitchen . " What are you doing here ? " I asked . He licked his chapped lips and I could see his breath . I knew I should let him in to get warm . He had to have walked here ; he didn 't have a car . We stood there a moment longer . I was starting to get angry . He didn 't try to stop me when I broke up with him two days ago , but here he was all concerned . What gave him the right ? " Park … " I was going to tell him to get lost , but my conscience got the better of me . It had to be below freezing out there . " Okay , I 'll get some coffee . " " You obviously have things to talk about , " she whispered back . She wrapped her self - knitted scarf around her neck and donned her coat . " Just be strong and don 't fall for his charm . Unless you want to - … " " I just want different things than you do . I don 't want to be in a life partnership . I want to be married and I want to go to church with my husband . I thought for the longest time that we could co - exist with different beliefs , but I can 't pretend anymore . I was completely fooling myself and it wasn 't fair to either of us . I 'm not a vegan , like you either . I 'm not a vegetarian and I hate soy milk ! " He smiled at that , " I already knew that . Every Sunday your breath reeked of bacon under the smell of mouth wash . " He looked a little more confident as he walked toward me . " I thought we were good together . You forgave me for not going to church and I forgave for eating meat . We both have a passion for animals and - , " " Parks , stop . " His hands were gripping my arms tightly and his voice was shaky . " Why didn 't you try to stop me two days ago when I wanted to talk about this ? " " Starting a phase ? What am I , twelve ? I 'm twenty eight years old . I 'm pretty sure I 'm done with phases ! I know for sure I 'm done with this one . " Ok , maybe that was a little harsh . " I thought you already did . You didn 't even try to stop me . Think about it . If you really wanted to stay with me you wouldn 't have let me leave . " He looked broken . " I 'll never stop loving you , " he repeated . Then he looked angry and started pacing . " What was I supposed to say ? You just blurted it out and left before I had a chance to stop you . We have made this work for so long . We belong to each other . " Parker had never reacted with such anger about anything before . I 've never knew him to hurt anything or slam doors . He was a passivist . Feeling guilty about letting him have it I went upstairs to cry . I will have to call my mother and ask her not to call Parker about anything to do with me anymore . Her lips were so soft . Her little body felt so right , so delicate under mine … I closed my eyes and traced little kisses down her neck and up again , making my way to those hazel eyes . Feeling her suddenly go rigid I opened my eyes to see hazel turn to blue , with the lids frozen open the skin started to char , turning black and dry . Her mouth was open , lips pulled back in an unnatural grimace . Tom sat up with a gasp . Blinking and looking around the room he was thankful he was alone . He often called out during this one . It always came when he was thinking of someone else . It had been longer this time since the last one ; four months at least , but those eyes still haunted him . Would he ever be rid of them ? But the voice at the end had been new . Just let go … He tried to think of something else . Despite the chill in the room he decided he needed a cold shower . He got up and looked out the window and saw a winter wonderland . From the second floor bunk room he could see the sun coming up over the farmers ' fields in the distance . The drifts looked to be about four feet and only Main Street had been plowed . He could hear some guys in the kitchen having breakfast and the distinctive sound of snow shovels on concrete . Yes , shoveling snow is a great idea . He made his way to the shower and caught his reflection in the mirror . His left eye was puffy and the cheekbone under it was a distinct black and purple . Great . That 'll get the guys started again . They made a big deal about his black eye last night when he got back , after they heard what happened . Someone saw Kat 's Passport at the clinic and called Jack . Then Jack called Tiffi . He got a simple explanation from her but wasn 't satisfied with that . He 'd demanded to know everything from Tom . It made an unpleasant confrontation at the firehouse . He managed to tell Jack everything except about the kiss . He stared at the scar that ran from his right ear down his shoulder blade and partially down his upper arm . The scar was tight and wrinkled , shiny like burn scars always were . Turning away he thought just another reminder , like the nightmares weren 't enough . He quickly showered , dressed , and snuck out the back door to head downtown . As Tom picked his way around the drifts the only thing he could think about was how stupid he was to kiss her when she had just passed out and come to . He was a certified paramedic . He should have recognized all the signs for a potential head injury , but when they were laying there on that dusty floor all he could think about was the need to kiss her . She had a great body . She must be a runner . But there was something about those hazel eyes . When he first ran into her at the bank he though her eyes were a muddy green , but then when he saw her again they were a golden brown . They were so … bottomless . He could see right through them . They revealed the exact moment she realized he was the same person from the bank and her stumbling embarrassment that followed . Cute . He needed to bury himself in work . The only problem was he was on a mandatory ninety - six hours off . He worked twenty - four on and twenty - four off for four days and now had four days off . He looked at his watch . Only seventy - two hours to go . Being alone and sedentary got him thinking . Thinking was not always a good thing when you 're trying to forget something . Work was better . As he walked closer to Main Street , across Kat 's street and through four foot drifts he figured he could volunteer to dig some people out . That should get his mind off Kat 's warm body . This is the first time in two years he 's felt this strongly about anyone . And he had just met her . She must think I 'm the most presumptuous prick . It was the first time he let his guard down a while . All those walls he built for protection crumbled down when he saw that railing break . It was like seeing the house burst into flames all over again . Tom shook the image away and passed another man walking in the opposite direction , almost colliding with him . " Excuse me , " Tom said as they passed . As he approached Main Street Tom decided to buy a shovel from McNicol 's Hardware , mostly because it was the only business up and running . He walked in and immediately found the shovels right beside the entrance . He strode to the counter where he wondered if the old man was Mr . McNicol himself . He had no name tag . " I am so sorry , sir , " she turned to the old man . " Calm down , Daddy . You don 't have to know everyone who buys a shovel . Look , he 's got on a WFD hat . I bet he 's the new hire over at the firehouse . " She turned back to Tom and winked . " Aren 't you adorable ? The ladies will be fighting for scraps before too long . How long have you been to town ? Where are you stayin ' ? " " News travels fast here . It only takes one person to call a couple people and it just multiplies from there . Everyone in here has been buzzing about it . Kat 's mother is my sister . " She turned to the old man again and raised her voice , " Daddy , this is the boy that brought Kat back to town when she fell last night . " He could see the resemblances between Kat and her aunt and grandfather ; same long face and wide hazel eyes . He let out a puff of air , feeling sheepish . If they only knew what really happened . Great , now he 'd have to get used to the small town quirks and busy - bodies . " Don 't worry , honey . There 's new gossip everyday . Everyone will forget about it tomorrow . " " Good to know . Thank you , mam . Mary . " He turned and walked out . Tom walked out from under the store 's canopy and surveyed Main Street . There were already people at the bank digging out and there was a bobcat plowing the gas station . There wasn 't anyone at the realty office . He knew Tiffi was taking care of Kat and they wouldn 't be able to shovel today . From what he heard about the business , the old owner shouldn 't even be walking to and from his car , let alone shoveling . He 'd start there . The sooner he got it up and running the sooner he would be out of the firehouse . Some time later I felt something warm lay beside me on my queen size bed . It must be Nomad . I didn 't bother pushing him off , he was so warm . I 'll worry about the dog hair later . Some time after that I remembered a voice talking to me . Tiffi . I must have responded because I had a bad case of cotton mouth and she gave me some water and more pills . I must have slept through dinner and all night long , because I woke up to a horrible growling and the sun in my face . My arm was at an awkward angle and Ernesto was curled in an unnatural ball in my armpit . He 's such a heat - leach . I hear some bowls clanging downstairs and sit up quickly , spilling Ernesto on the floor and making him hiss . My head swims and there 's a pounding in my temples . I ran my hands through my hair and felt two distinct lumps ; one on the back of my head where it must have hit the floor and the other just inside my hair line on the right side of my forehead . The previous day 's events come back like a swarm of bees , buzzing included . Carefully , I swing my legs around to side of the bed to stand when I get a hard throbbing in my head . Tiffi was downstairs . I better stop her before she goes all out on a huge breakfast . She tends to overdo the hospitality when it comes to the food but not the clean - up . The second floor was so drafty I grabbed my slippers before going downstairs . Man , my whole body ached . I got most of the way down before Nomad and Dingy clicked into the living room . I heard Tiffi call from the kitchen , " Kat , is that you ? " She came walking out of the kitchen wearing my apron . " Oh , you ! I was going to make you breakfast in bed . Go back to bed . " " Oh , Tif , that 's okay . I 'm not really that hungry . I think I 'll just have cereal and coffee . " I 'm lying , of course . I 'm starving , but I really don 't want to clean up the mess . I groaned . My mom is the town busy - body . She was probably wondering about the accident . If I know mom she had her CB up and running during the storm and her contacts waiting at the ready . It was an addiction for her . If she wasn 't the first to hear something juicy she was devastated . I was meaning to ask her about the letter since I found it . I wonder if she knew of a couple named Danny and Beth . We both walked into the kitchen and I let her pour my cereal and milk while I sat at the table . She really is sweet , just , she tries too hard . She sat down across from me and started eating . " Oh , come - on . I can spot them a mile away . He walks with a chip on his shoulder and dresses all messy , but it 's real I - don 't - care messy , not on - purpose messy . " Give me a break , he just got off work . He probably didn 't sleep all night . You should know better than anyone how that goes . Besides , I saw him at the bank and I know he walked back to the station and it was really windy . " I explained about my purse spilling . " Huh - uh ! Don 't try that on me , missy . " She pointed a finger at me , smiling . " I know all your tricks . So what really happened at the Logan house . " It was my turn to look affronted , " I told you . An owl was in the second bedroom and it flew out and I stumbled into the rotten railing . I started to fall , but Tom caught my arm and then the floorboards gave and we both fell . " Will she think I 'm some kind of hussy , now ? I mean , I 've been with Parker for , well , forever , and as soon as I break up with him I jump the nearest single guy . I guess I could tell her . She was my oldest friend . " Okay , " I burst out . " Okay , after we fell and I came to , we kinda , sorta … kissed . " " I knew it ! I could tell something wasn 't right . " Then she had the audacity to look smug . " This is just what you needed after breaking up with Parker , Kat . " " Really ? " " Of , course . You haven 't kissed anyone else for how long ? " She leaned in close like she didn 't want to be overheard and whispered , " So , how was it ? " I thought for a moment . " I don 't know if he 'll want to . I was the biggest klutz , and then I didn 't even say thanks for taking me to the clinic . " " I bet he will . He was pretty concerned . He actually wanted to be the one to stay with you over night , but I wasn 't about to let some strange guy in your house all night long after you had been injured . I felt kind of bad for telling him no because he looked all wounded and insulted . " I carried my empty bowl to the sink and looked out the window . I could see the dog 's tracks in the snow drifts indicating that Tiffi had already taken care of the dogs . We had a lot of snow last night . I wondered when we 'll be able to dig out the office . That 's when I remembered something . This was heaven . I stood under the hot water for a few minutes and thought about the previous day . That was the kind of spontaneity I was looking for in Parker . At least Tom is buying the house . Now I won 't have to show it to anyone else while imagining Tom 's silky soft lips on mine and where else I 'd like them to be . It will save me some embarrassment and awkward silences . I wonder if he 's regretting what happened yesterday . We don 't even know each other . Maybe he would like to go out sometime . There 's bowling or Maggie 's Grill n ' Pub or … That 's about it until spring or summer . The library has movie night once a month if we wanted to go out , but it costs the same to rent it and take it home . That 's the problem with a small town . We go to larger cities to do the typical fun things that city - slickers do . When they move here they ask what there is to do , and we say go into the city . When I gooped up my hair with conditioner I saw the side of the shower curtain slowly open . I see Nomad 's nose poke through and I scold him for barging in . Massaging my hair I imagine Tom slipping in with me and kissing me with that half cocked smile and lifted brow . I was surprised at how muscular he was . He looked lean , but when we were hip to hip , he didn 't feel boney . He felt … Okay , stop ! I need to cool my jets if I want to take advantage of single - hood for more than a day . We should try to be friends first . I don 't know how old he is , where he moved from , or if he 's ever been married , or if he has a criminal record , or if he goes to church … That reminds me , what is today ? Friday ? I need to call Claudia to let her know about me and Parker . She won 't have to help me sneak meat into my diet anymore . We 've had an agreement that every Sunday I come over for breakfast as long as I helped her get her crew ready for church . She has three boys , a husband , and a house in the country , a golden retriever , and she 's a stay - at - home mom . She has a perfect , albeit frazzled , life . Her husband , Richard , is always trying to set me up with his pompous co - workers ; all lawyers . As if . I know ' realty ' is just a stone 's throw away from ' lawyer ' in reputation , but come on . I don 't try to keep criminals running about the streets . Richard answered the phone . I could hear the boys cheering in the background . School must be canceled . " Hey , Rich , is Claud around ? " I shouted . " Kat ! We 've been wondering what happened to you . Yeah , she 's here somewhere , " he shouted back and I heard call out , " Claud ! " It didn 't do any good . She put on the air of a stern dictator and bellowed , " I will have peace in this house while I am on the phone ! The first boy to say a peep will be the first to start shoveling the drive - way ! " There was a silent pause and I heard her uncover the phone again . " Sorry about that Kat . " I heard a high pitched voice say , " Peep " in the background and some stifled giggles . She muffled again and I heard her say , " You . Outside . Now . " " Yeah , well , there 's no school so they 've been chanting while I 've been in the shower . So , come out with it . Someone saw your Passport at the clinic last night . " " All right . What else ? " She asked . She could always tell when I was holding back . I wasn 't ready to tell her about Tom . " Well , you know the whole meat and organic thing . And , well , you know , the sex was getting kind of boring . Actually , I just don 't think I was in love with him anymore . " " That 's what Tiffi said . I think that we just both knew it was time to end it . We weren 't going anywhere and we all know his views on marriage . I want to have kids someday , you know ? I can 't do that without being married . " " I want what you and Rich have . I want a house out of town and rowdy kids on snow days and I want a husband . I want to get married in church with a pastor and the whole legal marriage license . Not a self - proclaimed life partner . I am going to miss him , though . " " I 'm so sorry , Kat . Well , we were all kind of expecting it . You 've been tip - toeing around more than usual lately so we knew it couldn 't last too much longer . We knew you had to get fed up with it sooner or later . I 'm just surprised it took you this long . And don 't worry ; you 're hot and smart and financially secure . It won 't be too much longer to find a new guy . " " Well , yeah , I guess . " There was silence for a moment . I didn 't like that she used the word we . It meant she and our mother were talking about me . I debated telling her about Tom . If I held anything back she would know . Better to tell her . " Yeah , you 're right . " I was getting uncomfortable with this subject . " Hey , I forgot . I found this letter yesterday . Let me read it to you . " I ran downstairs to get it from my purse , Tiffi close behind , curious . I read them the letter from Danny Boy . Tiffi was dumbfounded and grabbed the letter from me when I was finished . " I don 't know . He 's obviously very sorry about it whatever it was . I don 't think he cheated on her , because it says he was stubborn . Couldn 't she forgive him for that ? I mean , if I would have broken up with Parker out of sheer stubbornness we would have been done years ago , but I stuck with it because I don 't believe in quitting when things get rough . " " Ok , well , I 'm glad you 're not hurt . Be careful in the snow . And don 't forget to call Mom . She 's driving me crazy . " " I 'm sorry . " He blinked hard and rolled away onto his back and we both stared at the ceiling . Damn ! I just made - out with my client on the floor of the house I was trying to sell him . I 'm pretty sure there 's a rule against that . It was clear that the roof was leaky due to the yellow stains on the ceiling . Great . That means there might be mold in the attic to go with the owl on the second floor . I secreted a glance at Tom . He was staring at the stain , too . I began to sit up . Cash . This is great . I sold a house . I sold my favorite house . This house had so much potential ; it could be so beautiful ! It just needs someone to love it and take care of it . I never had the means to buy it myself , which is why I lived in town . Maybe someday when things aren 't so … No . I can 't think that way . I felt really awkward so I quickly stood up to leave , but I swayed . I was embarrassed and still very light headed . He noticed and stood up , too , placing a hand on my elbow . I swayed again and he held tighter . I felt a little sick . I must have looked as bad as I felt because he raised that left eyebrow again . I 'm never drinking tequila again . Didn 't I already say that ? " I 'm … sorry . I 'm not really thinking clearly . I 'm a little hung over today . " Oh , yeah , that 's professional . I looked around for some kind of diversion . The wind was blowing snow across the road already . " We should get going before the weather gets too bad . " We started walking out into the frigid wind and snow to the Passport and I felt a little queasy . He put his hands on my shoulders and looked into my eyes . Wow , his eyes were something . " Damn . You should go home and we 'll do this later . Now that I look at you , you might have a concussion . " I kept my mouth shut , not trusting what would come out , and I just nodded . Big mistake . I felt my stomach lurch and I wrapped my arms around my middle . What is wrong with me ? I just want to get to my bed so I concentrated on the walk to the car . I climbed into the passenger side and Tom closed the door . I reached over and started the car . My eyes were closed before he started driving . Sleepily I open my eyes . " What ? Where am I ? " I looked around and saw that I was sitting on a gurney in a small area surrounded by a curtain . Tiffi was standing next to me . " You 're at the urgent care clinic . Tom Booker brought you here and called me at the office . He said you fell off the second story of the Logan house . Are you all right ? What happened ? " She was talking very quickly . Obviously he hadn 't gone into details . " Owl flew out of the second floor bedroom and scared me . The railing broke . I think I 'm fine . I 'm just really tired and still pretty hung - over . Don 't call anyone else . I think I just need to go to home . " " Well , then it 's a good thing you have me as your first emergency contact in your cell . Your mom would be going nuts if she knew . He said it looked like you were going to be sick and then you let him drive . Kat , you don 't let anyone drive your car - not even Parker , and you dated him for six years . He thinks you have a concussion . " She rolled her eyes and said , " Oh , poo . I live three blocks away . If the roads were too bad I would just walk . " " I 'm fine . Just go home and I 'll call you later . " " No , I stay . Screw Jack . If he 's so concerned he can tell me himself . " " Katrina Foster ? " A female voice came from the other side of the curtain and a tall fifty - something woman peeked in carrying a chart I received a thorough examination and an x - ray at the and with a sheet of instructions for someone to watch over me for the next twenty - four hours . Tiffi took the sheet and put it in her purse and started to follow me out the door of the examination room . Tom was sitting in the waiting area , a row of three chairs near the door , with an ice pack on his eye . Dazed , I stopped at the counter to give the receptionist my co - pay when Tom appeared beside me with his hand on my elbow again . " Be careful , Tif . " I say automatically . Really , this car is my baby . My first ever new car . Everything before this was a junker so I 'm really particular about who drives it : Me .

JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . After speaking with Kalona , I returned home to see what the plans were for the day . There was a few things I needed to go buy , some of which I wanted to go buy alone , but I needed to see if there was anything important we had to do . We still needed to find the crown for Mark , so Cade and I decided that we were going to do that later on , so I had the morning to myself . I ordered a bracelet to be made for Kalona and then decided to do something I never wanted to do ever again . I decided to go to a brothel . Now , it wasn 't for the normal reasons . You see , my parents ' were the " wait until marriage " type and well , I hadn 't been doing that . I was a little concerned about you know , getting pregnant , but I didn 't know where to get contraceptives so I thought asking someone at the brothel would be the best option . The lady who I asked about them was super nice , even though I was very awkward about it , and told me that I needed to go to the apothecary to get some . I did as she told me , had an awkward conversation about how much I needed with the person running the apothecary and then went on my merry , yet shameful , way . The last thing I wanted to do before I met Cade near the Black Market was to apologize to Lord Allen . I got a nice bottle of wine from one of the taverns and went to his house . He didn 't open the door fully when he answered it , but accepted my apology and the bottle of wine . He seemed distracted while talking to him , especially when I asked him about if there was any children that had went missing from the city . His lack of knowledge about the inner workings of the city concerned me , but as I finished up my conversation with him , I realized why he was being so strange with me . Kalona had told him to go enjoy a night with his girlfriend and relax a little . I felt like an idiot for not realizing it sooner . Remembering that Kalona told me that he 'd go to the Black Market with me a few days before , I stopped by his house , knocking on his window this time to see if he wanted to go with me . He seemed surprised that I was using his window , but I just figured it was what we 're doing now since he 's constantly using my window to get into my house rather than the door . He told me he needed to collect his things and he 'd meet me outside in a few moments . After he was ready , we headed to the Black Market . Cade was already waiting for me there , seeming a little surprised that Kalona was here too , but didn 't say anything about it . I explained to Kalona that we were looking for a missing crown , describing it to him , and asked if he knew which merchant might have it . Kalona said that there was this special items merchant that might have it , so we decided we 'd start our search there . The market itself was an interesting place and there was a lot of activity moving through the area . Most of the items being sold seemed to be legitimate , but a lot of the goods were illegal . The special items merchant was no different . The merchant already knew Cade because he showed Cade some daggers the day before , but Cade didn 't have the money to buy them at the time . I asked him if he had any crowns and he pulled out three matching the description I gave him . Two were very similar and pretty well made , and the other one looked fairly cheaply made , but the merchant explained that it had a magical aura about it . I told him about our situation and he told me that the crown I wanted was the cheaper looking one . He admitted that he 's encountered it a few times before and that if we bought something else , it was free . However , out of curiosity , it was 15 , 000 gold if we didn 't buy anything else . He showed me a bow that I might like , but the price was too steep for me , so we bought the daggers Cade wanted and got the crown as well , saving 11 , 000 gold . I ended up buying an original painting from the man who was selling his forgeries in hopes to inspire him to keep creating his own work . It was a very pretty painting , but I honestly paid too much for it . With nothing else to do , we decided to go check out the gambling area and Cade and I were greeted with a few congratulations here and there for winning the tournament . Some people told us that we won them money . This was all fine and dandy but someone did catch our attention . Sitting at one of the tables was none other than cart man . It 's been awhile since we encountered him in the woods outside Frostford . He stole money from Zen , left us with a cart full of useless , magical items , and when Cade shouted at him from across the room , it was easy to see that he hadn 't forgotten about us . He was off like a shot , sprinting out of the gambling area , and Cade told me that we should chase him down . I told Cade we shouldn 't and we should just let him live in fear of us . He 's never going to bother us again anyway so why kill him ? Cade eventually agreed , but Kalona had some questions about the magical items this guy had on the chart . Knowing that it was going to be easier to show off what they did than explain them , we went to the training center . Kalona didn 't seem too enthusiastic when I started showing the longsword we picked up off the cart to him , mostly because I told him earlier that I was going to hit him with it . After getting the sword out of the bag of holding , I showed him that the edge would draw blood by cutting my finger on it a little bit . After that , I attacked , hitting his arm with the sword as it did no damage , turning into rubber . Kalona went from unimpressed to interested soon after and I handed him the sword . Like most other people we tell about this sword , he thought it was extremely weird , but could come in handy in some situations . After a little while of talking between the three of us , I asked him if he would come to our house later because there was things that we needed to discuss as a group . He said he 'd come and I asked him to make sure he wasn 't followed . Back at the house , I started discussing the missing children with Cade and Zen . Neither one of them really wanted to go help them , because they weren 't sure what we 'd be getting into . Neither one of them really cared anyway . I explained to them that I didn 't want to go , especially if we were going to the Nine Hells , but we needed to go save these children . We had waited for such a long time and I finally felt that we were ready to face it . Cade asked if we were really ready , and I brought up to them that we had killed two dragons already . By that time , the window to my bedroom opened and soon Kalona was standing with us in the living room . I thanked him for coming , but insisted to Zen and Cade that we needed to do this . Zen made a promise to Carp 's mother to find him and she 'd be breaking that promise if we didn 't do anything . Eventually , they agreed to go with me , and I decided that we 'd go tomorrow . Now , I didn 't really want Kalona there for that conversation , but I did want him to be a part of this one . I told Cade and Zen that we need to start considering what we are going to do about Atlas Fletcher . By that time , Cade and Zen didn 't seem to be too eager to discuss anymore , and Kalona seemed a bit confused why he was here for this . I made it brief , saying that we needed to start this conversation because if our two teams were going to work together , we needed to start the discussion now . However , there wasn 't much discussion , which honestly irritated me a little . With that done , Kalona and I left the house because I wanted to talk through some things with him in private . We walked a little ways out of the city and onto a grassy hilltop and I told him that we needed to let each other know what we knew about the situation between our families . He wanted me to start , so I told him that I knew that my mother and little brother were killed as a sacrifice to Atlas ' father , Asmodeus , and the reason that he wants my family 's blood is because we are descendants of a paladin of Obad - Hai . He said that he didn 't know much more but looking at him , I finally felt like I was able to ask something I 'd been waiting for the right moment to say . " I do have a question for you , " I remember saying , causing his eyes to look at me curiously . " If you 're grandfather is Asmodeus , what does that make you ? " " It doesn 't change how I feel about you , Kalona , " I told him , hoping that I didn 't make him angry with my question . I asked him if he had any plans on how to defeat Atlas , saying that my plans are old and stupid and wouldn 't work anymore . He told me that he 'd need some time to think , but he 'd think of something . Jokingly , I told him that my father told me that I needed to kill his mother before his father to weaken him , but that plan was out the window . He grew a bit stern at the mention of killing his mother , saying his mother was to be left out of this conflict , but he did tell me that she doesn 't like me . I wouldn 't expect anything else . I only had one final question for him and it was a weird one . When I went out with him the second night we were in Aspienne , I noticed that he had faint scars on his hands . While I was with him , I noticed he 'd rub them from time to time , but I was never able to figure out where they had come from . I thought that this would be as good of a time as any to ask , so I did . He explained to me that he got them when he tried to stand up against his father after I broke up with him . He got in a fight with an assassin , who was a lizard creature by the name of Slither . That fight with Slither was almost deadly for him . After that , he went to train with his uncle , the demon lord Graz ' zt , in the Abyss . He spent nearly four years training with him in hopes of being strong enough one day to face his father . I gazed at him for a while , wanting to ask more questions about his time away during those four years , but I knew that now wasn 't the time . It was getting late and we needed to get back eventually . He told me that he had a gift for me and pulled out a thin , silver bracelet with white and red stones on it . He put it on my wrist and told me that it is a bracelet of revitalization , so if I would fall in battle , it would at least get me back on my feet . I studied it for a few moments , knowing that what he was really telling me was to stay alive . I smiled at him , thanking him for it , and told him that I had a present for him too . I handed a leather bracelet to him with the words , " It 's always been yours , " burned into the leather inside of it . He smiled when he read the phrase , I felt a bit bad that it wasn 't magical , but he thanked me for it . I told him that he could come over for the night if he wanted to , and he said that he might take me up on that offer , before we parted ways and went home . Cade had followed Kalona and I , but wasn 't able to hear our conversation , due to us speaking in the language we had made up in our teens , and seemed to have a few questions for me . I answered them as best as I could , not wanting to say too much in the streets in case someone was listening . When we made it home , we talked for a little while with Zen before we all retired to our beds . The house was silent when my window slowly slid open and Kalona quietly scrambled through it . I smiled at the sight of him , pleased to see him once more , as he carefully closed the window and took off his sword and shoes after greeting me . I couldn 't help but stare . This man drove me insane , forced me to crave him and his closeness , and ruined every plan I thought I had all without saying a single word . He changed the way I saw the world in a blink of an eye , restored life to me in a heartbeat , and reduced my fears to nothing on a breath . If I could , I 'd sit there and study every curve and angle of his body and commit to memory like some holy scripture . I 'd revel in his presence , bask in the glory of his gaze , and worship the warmth of his love . Mortal yet divine , a man who could have anything he ever desired with just a few charming words , and yet he focused his affections on me . A simple girl from Frostford who 's in way over her head in this world and happens to have a holy bloodline . For the longest time , I never understood what he saw in me but now I 'm beginning to realize what he meant all those years ago . My eyes are focused on him , my heart aching for his touch , as my head considered the possibilities of what we and this relationship could be . Dark , manipulative thoughts started to creep back into my mind , ideas that I hadn 't thought of in a long time , and I considered them . Some of them could work , while others would just be interesting to see unfold over time . These schemes were what he saw in me all those years ago . I didn 't even notice that he stared me with a little smirk on his lips until he came closer to me . " What were you thinking about ? " he asked , his voice deep as I gazed up at him . A chill ran down my spine as I considered his question with a mischievous grin on my face . There wasn 't much on my mind in that moment . The morning light warmed the room as I stirred to find myself still in his arms . I shifted to be able to face him . His expression was peaceful and satisfied and his chest rose and fell with his smooth , steady breaths . I don 't think my heart will never not flutter when I wake up to see that he 's right here beside me . I don 't think I 'll ever get used to this feeling . I can 't even describe it but it 's the most wonderful thing I 've ever felt . I cuddled up closer to him , not wanting this to end . I didn 't want to say goodbye to him so soon but I knew I had to . Today , we were leaving to try to find the missing children , and I didn 't even want to consider that I was leaving him behind . This time , I was able to convince him to stay a bit longer than yesterday morning . We didn 't talk much . We just held each other and cherished the silent moments we shared , not knowing when the next time we 'd be together would come . His body was warm under my touch , his fingers slowly traced the curvatures of mine , and I attempted to memorize the sound of his heartbeat . In the stillness of it all , my mind was racing as I tried to guess the next time we 'd be together . I couldn 't , and that upset me a little . He eventually had to leave and return to his team and I took the time to get my own things packed and ready . Beacon watched me as I did so , his tail beating against the bed when I even glanced at him in the slightest sense . After everything was packed , I made a tea out of the contraceptive I was given , as instructed , and dear gods it tasted horrible . I was able to choke it down without vomiting as Cade and Zen gathered their things . After a while , and a quick run to stock up on some more potions , we were ready to leave . I went over to Kalona 's house and knocked on his window . I let him know that we were leaving soon and I 'd send him a letter once we got back . Before I left , I kissed him goodbye . Back with my group , we made sure we were all ready and once we said we were , Cade drew the portal . I didn 't admit it to them , but I was nervous . I didn 't know what we were going to find once we stepped through the portal . When we did so , my nerves were right . This didn 't look like the layer of Hell we were supposed to be on and as we started to walk towards the building in the distance , there were the bodies of dead children everywhere . Zen , Cade , and I looked for Carp , not letting the sight affect us as we made our way into the building . We found Carp 's body inside and the sense of failure started to creep up in my mind . I took out the last cloak we picked up from the Redbrand 's hideout and wrapped him up in it . Once we were finished , chains whipped out of the darkness and attacked us . The fight was longer than we expected , because I didn 't want to get close to the chain devil so I could actually attack it instead of constantly being grappled by it , but it eventually fell . Slightly irritated , I went over to the desk across the room and collected the money off of it before returning to Cade and Zen when a slow clap started out of the darkness . Stepping out of the shadow before us was the black - haired , golden - eyed , magical boy . However , he now looked to be a teenager . He explained to us that he was surprised to see us , but because of our untimeliness , phase one of his plan was complete and phase two was starting to begin . Confused , we asked him what his plan was and he replied that he wants to watch the gods , and the world , burn . My only thought for him was , get in line . It 's not the first time we 've heard that . Even though I really wanted to say that , I held my tongue and instead focused on him to try to figure out what he was . He wasn 't fiend , celestial , or undead as he explained to us that if we wanted to leave , we needed to do it soon before the portal piece lost it 's power and we were trapped here forever . The last thing he said to us was , " tick , tock . Tick , tock . " The words sent a chill up my spine as Cade drew a portal one last time and we stepped through , finding ourselves back in Aspienne just a couple hours after we left . Cade wrote letters to the people he wrote just hours before , saying that we made it back safely , as I went to Kalona 's window , hoping for him to see him . I 'll admit , I was upset with the outcome and I felt extremely responsible for what had happened , but I didn 't let it show to the rest of my team . I just wanted a bit of a distraction , someone to talk to , and I knew I 'd feel a little bit better about the situation . However , after a few moments of waiting at his window , no one came . I went to the front door and it was the same result . The door was unlocked and I stepped in to see that every trace of them was gone and the house was vacant . My upset turned to irritation in a heartbeat as I grappled with the fact that he was already gone . Fine , I see how it is , I thought to myself , hurting as I tried to convince myself that I knew that this was going to happen . It didn 't mean that it didn 't pain me any less . I made my way back to Cade and Zen , telling them that we needed to do something with Carp 's body , so we made our way to the Temple of Kord to see if anyone there could help us . I held him in my arms as we stepped inside as the thought of his smiling face flashed back before my eyes . He was so excited to finally met adventurers , because he wanted to be one someday , and we were the horrible example of what they were . The tears stung my eyes , regret and despair pressing down on me , and I just couldn 't move past the fact that we failed him and all of the other children . It didn 't hit me until just then . Cade and one of the priests were trying to talk to me but I didn 't even register what they were saying . Cade took Carp out of my arms and told the priest about our situation and asked if we could have a burial arranged for him . He said they could get something arranged , but I didn 't hear anything else . I was too focused on staying on my feet , trying not to cry , and driving the failure out of my mind . Cade had to escort me out of the temple once our business was done there . Eventually , my emotions diminished in intensity and Cade and Zen asked me to write a letter to Carp 's mother . I told them I 'd need a little bit of time , but I was willing to do so . I kept the letter short because I was still fighting back tears as I wrote it , but I explained to her that we found her son , but we wished it would have been under better circumstances . We made arrangements for his burial in Aspienne and we were deeply sorry for her loss . I told her that he was a very brave boy , a bright light in the darkness of this world , and he 'll be truly missed . I apologized to her once more , knowing that my apology wouldn 't help anything at all , but I didn 't know what else to say . It wouldn 't help bring her son back to her . I reread the letter a few times , trying to think of anything else to say , but when I couldn 't think of anything else , I signed it with Klara , Zenthya , and Cade , knowing that she 'd be holding us responsible for her son 's death just like I held Atlas responsible for my mother 's and brother 's . Bitterness ate at my heart , but I didn 't let it show as I sealed the letter and sent it off with a messenger . What I felt didn 't diminish with time like I thought they would . It continued to stew instead . We left Aspienne to go find our prize from the tournament in the Dragon 's Vale Woods , but after two weeks of travel , we found ourselves in Noragate . During this time , Cade was acting like a kleptomaniac and kept stealing stuff from Zen and I , but would always return it . His behavior was odd , and we didn 't really know what to think about it . I asked a local about a place to stay in the city and he asked if I wanted a touristy tavern or one the locals hang out at , and when I said I prefered the local one , he pointed us in the direction of The Tavern of Dragons . It was a pretty nice place and there was a lot of locals there and we ended up getting rooms for the week , but could get a refund if we didn 't stay as long . The barkeeper , who ran the place , was extremely nice . However , the next morning I woke up to see that Cade had stolen a large painting off the wall of the tavern downstairs and I went to Zen 's room to tell her about it . We both agreed that it was time to get down to the bottom of this and have an intervention for Cade . We talked to him for a while , he claimed that there was nothing wrong with him and he eventually agreed to come with us to go see a cleric . After asking the barkeep where to go , we found ourselves in the Temple of Selune , near the port , and asked for a cleric to see Cade . A few minutes passed before a silver dragonborn arrived , her name was Ireimeila , and after a bit of talking with her and her examining Cade , she was able to tell us that the daggers he bought were probably cursed . Zen took the daggers from Cade after that and the dragonborn said that we needed to go to the magic shop in town to know the identity of the curse . We did so and found ourselves in front of Griemshaw Trading Co . Now , Kalona did tell me that the last he knew , my brother was in town , but my first thought was when I saw that name was that it was a bit too similar to my family 's shop name , Grayson Trader Grove , but I didn 't dare ask anything of it because when we stepped in , he wasn 't there . There was a blonde , secretary - like lady and a bodyguard . We asked if they could identify the daggers and the blonde lady went into the back for a while to do so , and after a while , she returned to tell us that they were cursed . The previous owner was a greedy bastard and was banned from most cities and the daggers are okay to use as long as you don 't have them attuned to you for longer than three weeks . We thanked her and we ended up visiting another shop . This one was more general weapons , but I did ask the gentleman running it , a man by the name of Zasur , if he had seen my brother after showing him a picture of him , and he said he had but didn 't give me much information about him and was a jerk to me instead . You know all of those emotions I was feeling earlier ? Well , guess who was now pissed off . We went to other shops and , after a little bit of coin to get tongues loosened , I was able to find out of that my dear brother was the Fletchers ' business partner and that he changed his last name to Griemshaw . So original , brother . You only changed a few letters . We also found out that ships were being sunk out at sea and it was scaring the sailors and the Merchant 's Guild wanted some adventurers to go out and fix the problem . Eventually , I made my way back to Griemshaw Trading Co . and asked the blonde lady , her name is Vancha , if I could speak to my brother . Her response : " Maybe he doesn 't want to talk to you . " By that point , I was furious with every fucking merchant in that city and I wanted to rip out her throat . I was going to talk to my brother one way or another , no matter who or what stood in my way . We found Ireimeila again , giving her an ' update ' on her patient , before I asked her about my brother . She was about as helpful as every other person we talked to in that city , minus the barkeep , but explained to me that if I really wanted to talk to my brother , I needed to talk to Aren Wilso first , since he was the leader of the Merchant 's Guild . However , it would be nearly impossible to speak with him . At that point , my mantra became " fuck this city . " Not going to stop my pursuit , I asked Cade and Zen to come with me to the Merchant 's Guild inn , aptly named the Inn of Traders . I hung outside with Zen , who wanted to sneak in with Cade but was unable to , as he tried to find a way for me to talk with my brother . Vaga , I mean , Vancha arrived at the tavern and was the reason that Cade was able to slip in , but the wait was killing me . I was furious with the situation . I wanted to move on with my life and leave this fucking city and everyone in it as soon as possible but not without speaking to my brother for one time in four years . All I wanted to do was make sure he was alright and then I could be at peace with the fact that he 's allied with my enemy and to let father know that his son 's still alive . Eventually , Cade came out of the tavern and told me that he set up a meeting with my brother at the Serpent 's Den at noon . He told us that he said he was a representative of a trader from Vocans and she wanted to establish a trade route , but he himself was not from Vocans . Satisfied by the arrangement , we went back to the Tavern of Dragons for the night . At noon the next day , we arrived at the Serpent 's Den and found out that it was a brothel . An extremely handsome tiefling man seemed to run the place and I told him , in my best Vocans ' accent , that we were here for the meeting with Nikolas Griemshaw . That 's when I realized that the tiefling named Kisora was actually from Vocans as he spoke . After he told us what room he was in , I thanked him and told him , " Be pleased , " remembering that my father told me to say that if I was ever dealing with someone from Vocans . He seemed pretty impressed , repeating the phrase to me before we went into the room he told us my brother was in . Upon entering the room , two men were already there within it . One I didn 't recognize and the other had changed a bit since I last saw him . " Hello , Klara , " my brother said , his tone not enthusiastic to see me . He was taller now and more muscular , he 'd grown a beard and was wearing glasses , but other than that he looked much like he did when he left all those years ago . " Hello , Nikolas , " I replied , a bit irritated that the other man was here . There were a few , tense moments between us and I noticed that my companions were getting uncomfortable with the silence . I was just trying to think what to say . My brother and I didn 't leave on the best terms , and I could still see some of that resentment in his eyes as he looked at me . I told him that it was good to see him , to know that he 's alright , and I hoped that his business was doing well . He said that things were fine and that him and his wife , Vancha , were doing well . So the rude , blonde lady is my sister - in - law . Wonderful . I told him that I heard that he was business partners with the Fletchers now and I asked how that came to be . He explained to me that he ran from them for a while , but they eventually caught up with him and he made a deal with them . All he had to do was given them some blood , become their business partner , and then he was safe . Anger flared in my chest , knowing that he had sealed his fate and mine as well . I didn 't say anything , however , because I wasn 't going to let him see that the hate that was growing within me as I heard more about his situation . I told him that father would be pleased to know that he was alright , which caused my brother to come slightly unglued . He told me that he no longer had any love for our father because he was the reason that our mother was dead since he wasn 't there to protect her . I retorted , telling him that there was no way we could 've known that she was going to be murdered if we left . He then told me that it was our father 's fault that there was such a divide between the Fletchers and us , and I asked him if he remembered that we were the ones who did most of the damage . We were the ones actively trying to turn the town against them , we were the ones who started the fire , because our father wanted no part in it at first . I could see I was getting to him , I was making his angry , and I enjoyed it . I told him that , even though he doesn 't like father , that father would be proud of him because he 's doing what he wished for the both of us to do after he left . Start a business , move on with our lives , and not look back . My brother considered my words for a few , brief moments . Nikolas then explained to me that Waicox offered the house and the business to him , two months after our father left Frostford , but he declined . He wanted nothing to do with our property anymore . I told him that he should return soon , that mother would like to see him because her spirit is still tied to the house for the time being , but he refused . He said he didn 't care anymore . Up until that point , nothing he said really hurt me , but that did . For someone who hated so much due to our mother 's death , he should be ecstatic about the fact that he 'd have a chance to talk to her one more time . He wasn 't and that stung . Any bit of affection I used to have for my brother shattered in that instant and I realized that he wasn 't even worthy of my time anymore . However , he 's my brother and I still love him . With our personal matters out on the table , he did mention the fact that the Merchant 's Guild would like us to find whatever was sinking their ships . He explained that the merfolk and the guild had a treaty , but now they 're attacking and they want someone to go get to the bottom of it . I told him that we 'd consider the offer , but there 's business we must do first before we even consider the offer . That didn 't seem like an answer either one of the two men wanted to hear . Before our meeting was over , I went over to my brother , who was suspiciously eyeing me , and gave him a hug . It was probably the most awkward hug ever but again , he was still my brother even though he seemed to hate me . I whispered into his ear that I was glad he was alright and I hoped that in time , things between us wouldn 't be so strained and we could move past this . He stiffened slightly at my words before whispering , " You know the Fletchers will find you . " I couldn 't help but smile as the thought of Kalona and I flashed into my mind . " They already have , " I replied , smirking at my brother as I pulled out of the hug as confusion entered his eyes . With that , Cade , Zen , and I left the room and once we were gone , they said that my brother was a jerk . I tore off a small piece of the scroll my father gave to me and wrote a short note on it , saying that Nikolas is safe , he 's in Noragate , and this town is horrible . I thought of my father after I finished the message and the slip disappeared from my hands . With that done , a few shots of alcohol from Kisora 's bar , and some small talk with him , we left the city . Now , in my anger towards the Merchant 's Guild and the city of Noragate , we forgot our horses so we had to go back , losing a day of travel , but we eventually found the cave that Mr . Ward described to us . Upon entering the cave , there was a dragon 's skeleton wrapped around a pile of treasure . On top of the pile of treasure were four dragon eggs . Each was warm to the touch , so they still seemed to be alive and we each chose one egg for ourselves . I took the blue egg while Cade took the green and Zen kept the red . We decided to take the lilac egg with us , not knowing what do with it at the moment but we didn 't want to leave it . Satisfied with our winnings and our collection of the remaining dragon parts , we noticed as the glyphs that outline the entrance to the cave powered down , which freaked Cade and Zen out . I was alright with it , knowing that we walked in here without being harmed so we should be able to walk out . Mr . Ward also said that he made sure that no one would touch our winnings so I figured that 's what the glyphs were for . With that done , we made our way back to Noragate , discussing whether or not we should accept the deal with the Merchant 's Guild . I finally noticed that the bracelet Kalona gave me was missing and I asked Cade if he had it and he said he didn 't . That didn 't stop me from thinking that he took it though . Cade and Zen wanted to take the deal because they thought we could get a lot of money out of it , but I didn 't want to accept it due to how pissed off I was with all of them . However , I told them that since they wanted to accept it , I 'd go with them because they went with me to save the children even though they didn 't want to . Once back in the city , I went to my brother 's shop and found him working there . I told him that the business we had to do was done and we were accepting the guild 's offer . For once , my brother actually looked a little satisfied as he told me that we 'd need to come to the guild hall at six for a meeting before he gave me directions how to get there . I thanked him and left and we decided to go see Kisora . When we got there , however , he couldn 't stay long because he was called in for a guild meeting , but would see us there at six . With nothing else to do , we hung out there until it was time to go . Following my brother 's directions , we made our way to the Merchant 's Guild Hall , but quickly found out that my brother kindly forgot to tell us how to get in . After a while of trying and realizing that we 'd probably have to break our way in , Kisora came and let us in . I liked Kisora a lot before that moment , but now I was in love with him . Compared to all of the other guild members , he was genuinely a good man . He lead us to where the meeting was taking place and on the walls of this hall was the crests of the people who were members . The only reason I knew that was there was a slightly modified version of the Grayson family crest on the wall behind my brother . Sitting across from us was the man I saw with my brother when I spoke with him and he introduced himself as Aren Wilso . He thanked us for taking their offer and explained to us that we were to go five miles off of the coast to the reef where the ships have been sinking and investigate what 's happening there . We were each handed a ring of waterbreathing to use during our quest . I pressed him for more information , my companions staying silent . We barely knew what he wanted us to do and I wanted that to be out on the table for everyone in the room to hear . He explained to me that he wanted us to attempt to broker a deal with the merfolk or kill if needed . Mostly , he wants to know what 's attacking the ships because it seems like something is luring them closer to the reef since they find them either wrecked on it or dragged down below the water 's surface . Cade and Zen still didn 't talk , so I took it as an opportunity to continue on . I questioned Aren about a reward for our work , and he didn 't mention anything about one , so I pressed him on it , saying that we do require compensation for our time . He avoided an answer , which irritated me , and I asked him about the deal they had with the merfolk . He said that before this happened , their relationship with the merfolk was good , but it is about the time for them to broker a new treaty with them . He told me that if the treaty is broken , he wants to know why , and if it 's something we think they can fix , we 'd broker a deal with them . If it can 't be fixed , kill them all . " So you 're asking us to commit genocide , " I stated firmly , my rage swelling up within my chest . I glared at him from across the room , waiting for his response . He told me that if it came down it it , then yes , he was . In that moment , I hated everyone in that guild hall and I was questioning why I was ever here talking to them , especially if these merfolk were innocent in this . He finally mentioned that our reward could be potentially more than just money , depending on how well we did , especially if we kept the treaty alive . Studying me , he asked if we had a deal and I looked to Cade and Zen . They were the ones who wanted to do this , but they looked troubled as I gazed at them . Returning my attention to Wilso , I told him that we had a deal . He wrote us a charter for a ship but we were to go to the docks and pick the ship and the crew we wanted . I took the document and put it in my bag before I walked down the table , passing by a few of the guild members , and standing by Wilso , looking down at him . I offered him my hand , and he took it and firmly shook my hand . I told him we 'd return as soon as possible . I felt the weight of the guild members gazes and I walked back towards my friends but I didn 't care . I was upset with the situation we just put ourselves in and all of those people in that room , minus Kisora , had been rude to us . They were full of themselves and they could stand to be knocked down a few pegs . I knew their type , I knew what you had to do to survive in a business setting like that , and I wasn 't going to let them push me around . I wasn 't their bitch to control . Furious but close to tears , we made our way to Kisora 's brothel to discuss what just happened . He wasn 't back yet but we made ourselves comfortable and I sat with my head on the bar in front of me . I felt like shit , and the bartender working there automatically poured me a shot . I took it , not even thinking about it , and set my head back on the bar as Cade rubbed my back . I asked them if they still wanted to do this , and they said that they did . I also asked if they thought I was too forceful with the guild . They didn 't answer . Soon , Kisora arrived and took over the bartender 's job , pouring both Cade and I another shot . He told us that they were expecting that to go a little differently . I told him that I felt horrible and I wasn 't going to let them force our hand , my voice a bit muffled with my head still on the bar . He did admit that some of the members didn 't like me . I told him that the guild can go fuck themselves , but not him because he 's nice . Cade and Zen talked with him for a while , asking what he knew about the situation as I finally raised my head . The tears stung my eyes as I fought them back . He explained that what he knew about the situation was already discussed with us , and they asked him if he agreed with what Wilso wanted . He admitted that he didn 't want to see the merfolk killed either . With tears in my eyes , I asked him what we should do so it wouldn 't come to that . His answer was to not let it get to that point . At his words , I started crying and explaining to them that I was done with this city and everyone in it . Nothing was working out the way I thought it would , we couldn 't save those children , Kalona left too soon , I can 't find the bracelet he gave me , my brother 's a dick , the guild is made of a bunch of jerks , and now we have to possibly go murder a bunch of merfolk for no apparent reason . " Klara , you need to relax , " Kisora told me , his accent thick in his voice . " What do you think I 'm trying to do ? Alcohol hasn 't been helping so far , " I explained to him . He told me that he had just the thing for me , that it knocked out people from Vocans in just one shot , so it would help me relax . The shot he poured was thick and extremely yellow but I didn 't care . I took it in one swallow . It burned horribly and tasted disgusting but once it faded , a numbness started in my mouth and worked its way throughout my entire body . Oh , it felt so nice until I tried to speak . Zen asked Kisora what he gave me , and was giving to Cade while she spoke and he explained that it was sandkeg venom . She was appalled that he gave us vemon and he had to explain to her the properties of the liquor . I really didn 't care because for the first time in two and a half weeks , I wasn 't so tense . I caught bits and pieces of Zen 's conversation with him and jumped in from time to time . He was describing Vocans to us and telling us about the Assassin 's Guild there . He mentioned that the two nicest assassins to come out of that guild was Jack and another man named Reylar Ventoris . He spoke for a while , explaining to us that not all of the assassins are as nice as them , and at his mention of Slither , I told him that he killed my mother . He told me that he was sorry to hear that and continued to tell us about Vocans . It was nice to just listen to him speak . After a while , I asked him if he had any recommendations about who to charter and he told us it depended on where we wanted to go . If we were going to Vocans , he recommended Captain Jorly , but if we were doing anything with the Sea of Storms , like we were , he said we needed Captain Jerron . He explained to us that the Sea of Storms is dangerous and most captains who sail it refuse to go to Croak , but Jerron is crazy enough to do so . After a little while more of talking , it was getting late and we decided to call it quits for the night . However , I didn 't leave because after Cade and Zen left , I asked Kisora if he 'd been willing to help me relax a little more . He considered my offer for a while , before shrugging and telling me why not , and we went into one of the back rooms . Even with the venom still in my system , I wasn 't okay . I was hurting and I needed a distraction from it all and he was extremely attractive . I didn 't know what I was doing though but I also didn 't care . He lead me to the bed and had me sit down on the edge of it as I touched his face , causing him a gentle smile to form on his lips . He moved closer to me , as if to kiss me , but his lips never met mine and he began to wrap a blanket around my shoulders . He pulled away , taking my hands in his as he looked me in the eye . " You need to rest , " he insisted and the tears started welling up once more . " I don 't think I 'll be able to , " I replied as I felt the tears begin to fall . He wrapped the blanket tighter around me as he helped me lay down on the bed before laying down beside me . He wiped my tears from my eyes and asked me to tell him what happened . I explained to him what happened with the missing children , how we weren 't able to save them , and how we failed to keep our promise to one of the boy 's mothers . I then told him about Kalona leaving and , even though I knew we would both have to leave sometime , it hurt to see him gone so soon when I needed his comfort the most . Then , I told him about the troubles we had here in Noragate all because I just wanted to talk to my brother for the first time in four years and make sure he was alright . There was also the whole thing with the guild that happened that night that I wasn 't comfortable with and I 'm so tired of this town , the guild , and my brother . I admitted that to him that I was jealous of my brother because he has everything I wanted when I was younger . A prosperous business , a spouse , a life we both always dreamed of living . When I heard that he was actually here in the city , all I wanted when I saw him was to make sure he was alright . I didn 't expect to receive such a cold welcome . Kisora held me close while I told him this , gently rubbing my back as I choked on my words and my tears . He didn 't say anything and just allowed me to talk . Eventually , I ran out of things to say and when that happened , my tears eventually slowed . Once they stopped , he told me that he had to go take care of some things , but he 'd be back soon . I pulled the blanket around myself tighter , gazing up at the ceiling . I knew Cade and Zen were probably thinking that I was doing something else with him , but at the moment , I wouldn 't even consider it like I did before . A part of me was embarrassed for breaking down in front of him like this . He saw me driven by anger and fury , full of fire , as I talked to the guild and spoke with people around the town , but he also witnessed how fragile I was , how delicate the facade I put up for the city was . He saw me when I was trying to prove that I was at my best , even though I was truly at my worst . I was focused on calming my ragged breaths when he came back into the room with a cup in his hands . He handed it to me , it was warm to the touch , as he told me that it was warm milk and honey and it should help me feel a little better . I thanked him for it , looking at the cup in my hands for a while before finally taking a sip . I apologized to him for the way I was acting and he told me that it wasn 't a problem . He told me that , " Everyone has their breaking point , Klara . It 's not something you need to apologize for . " I nodded , thanking him once more , before he left the room again . I took some time to finished the drink he gave me , making sure that the honey was well mixed into the milk , as I considered his words . Why was did his kindness seem so familiar to me ? He was a stranger , but it felt like I was around an old friend when I was with him . It was something unexpected for this city and I felt like I could trust him . I didn 't know why I felt so strongly about him . The next morning , I woke to find that the cup from the night before was gone and Kisora had left a couple pastries and a few pieces of fruit on the nightstand next to me and there was a couple more blankets on my bed . His kindness almost brought me to tears again . I ate one of each with some of the water I had before I started to gather my things . There was a knock at the door and I opened it to see him standing there . He asked me if everything was alright and I told him it was , but I should probably be going soon . I thanked him for his hospitality and for everything he did for me last night and that if there was ever anything I could do to repay him , all he needed to do was let me know . He said he 'd remember that and he wished me luck on our journey ahead . I gave him a quick hug goodbye , thanking him one final time , before I left to make my way back to the Tavern of Dragons to find Cade and Zen . Once back with them , we made our way to the docks in hopes to find the captain that Kisora recommended to us . It was a bustling place with a lot of people coming in and out of ships and we eventually found one of Captain Jerron 's crew members . He called to his captain and we were introduced to him . Captain Jerron was a young man , his hair closely shaved , and he wasn 't the happiest when I showed him the charter from the Merchant 's Guild . I told him that Kisora recommended us to him , and his demeanor changed , admitting to us that he didn 't exactly like the Merchant 's Guild . I told him that we don 't really like them either but agreed to do this task for them . With a nod , he said that they needed to bring supplies on board , but they 'd be ready to take us out to sea within an hour . We soon figured out which ones in our group had experience out at sea and which of us didn 't . Zen was perfectly fine with the rough , choppy waters , even as a storm started to pick up , but Cade was struggling with it . I was alright but a little nervous . I 'd been out at sea a couple times on the Sea of Sorrows with Levi 's crews . This sea was much rougher than the one back home . Jerron , noticing our levels of experience asked Zen and I about which seas we 'd been on while Cade was tying himself to one of the masts . Zen said that she traveled the Sea of Storms to get from Readmont to Araluen , so she was fairly familiar with the choppiness of it . I told him that I 'd traveled on the Sea of Sorrows a few times and he told me that this sea was a whole different beast . I could already tell . Zen did ask why the Sea of Sorrows was named that way and Jerron explained it was because it results in the death of a lot of sailors . There was a lot of death associated with that area in general . Cade , finally brave enough to make his way up to where we were with Jerron , got to hear the story Jerron told us about Croak , saying that most people don 't go there because of the dangerous waters but there is a temple to the Raven Queen located on the island . Kisora also mentioned something about the Raven Queen to us as well . Jerron also told us the story about Barovia and Strahd since none of us knew it . He then went on telling us more about the sea , telling us that most people are chickens for fearing it so much . He also mentioned to us what he knew about the situation and the dangers we 'd face soon after we asked him about the merfolk . He had heard that the sea elves brokered deals between merfolk and humanoids and it was spawning season for the merfolk , so he didn 't understand why they would be attacking . We told him about the sinking ships and he said that it sounded more like merrow to him than the merfolk . None of us had heard of merrow before , so he told us that they were merfolk once , but they swam too deep into the ocean and made their way into the Abyss , where they were corrupted . Once they returned , they were evil compared to the more gentle merfolk and have been know to sink ships like we described to him . He told us that if we were dealing with merrows , we needed to be careful . Around this time , Cade came up to me and put the bracelet Kalona gave to me back on my wrist . I shot him a dirty look and he said that he had found it and didn 't steal it from me . I wasn 't really convinced . Jerron called out for his crew to set the anchor and lead us to the bow of the ship , asking us if we could see the reef ahead of us . " No , " the three of us said sarcastically , not even attempting to look at where he was pointing . However , we were all able to see the reef and the half - sunken ship ahead of us . He told us that here was where we were getting off and that he 'd wait for two days until they had to go back to port to get more supplies . They 'd come back out after that and wait for us if needed . I asked if they had a dinghy for us to use , and they said they didn 't so we better watch where we jumped . Zen cast a waterbreathing spell on the dire wolves and her leopard and dove in gracefully , followed by her cat . I stood there at the edge of the ship for a while , looking down at the water below while Cade jumped off as he attempted to get Dogmeat to do the same . Beacon followed in after Dogmeat and I looked back that the captain , nodded , and told him that we 'd see them again soon . Every fiber of my being told me to stay on that ship , because I knew the waters below meant death for us . However , there was no turning back now . With a sigh , I did the unthinkable and hopped off the edge of the ship , trying to keep my arms down and feet together as I hit the water . Everything went quiet for a few moments as I began to swim towards the surface , trying not to acknowledge the murky depths below me . Once I emerged , Cade and Zen started swimming towards the sunken ship . I hung on to Beacon since it had been a while for the both of us since we had a proper swim and I didn 't want him to get left behind . Cade and I lost sight of Zen for a while as the dogs and her leopard got to a place where they could stand and Cade and I thought it would be a good time to attempt to try waterbreathing . Today was just filled to the brim with things I thought were unthinkable because Cade and I were literally trying to drown ourselves . I couldn 't bring myself to do it , even when Cade pulled me under and tried to get me to take a breath . He managed to do it way before I did and was trying to convince me it was okay . At one point , he had my head cupped in between his hands as I was panicking , telling him that I just couldn 't do it . He told me that it feels extremely weird but it 's the only way we were going to survive out here . He pulled me under once more , punched me in the gut , which made me inhale some water as I panicked . The water replaced the air in my lungs and I could breathe , but it felt extremely wrong . He smiled at me as I took a few long breaths , attempting to calm down . I had to keep telling myself that I was okay . Eventually , Zen joined us again and asked what we were doing after telling us that the part of the ship she explored was empty . We told her that we were trying to drown ourselves so we could get used to the waterbreathing thing and we were now attempting to get our animals into the water . She began to speak with them , and her leopard was the first one to take to the water . Dogmeat and Beacon were more of a challenge . They soon realized that they could breathe underwater however and we made our way down to find another ship . Zen was speaking to the fishes and they told her where to go and eventually we found ourselves inside a ship with a skeleton crew , much older than the last ship . Cade went up to what looked to be the captain , who was sitting near a pile of loot before he was attacked . It was awkward fighting underwater , but we managed well enough and eventually the skeleton crew was defeated . We collected what loot we could before we exited the ship and went deeper . Everything was dark and cold . I couldn 't make out much of what was ahead of me and kept following the light from Cade 's drift globe as we continued to descend . After a while , we couldn 't see the reef anymore . It was here where we needed to decide whether we kept swimming down or went back up . The obvious choice was to go back but there was a temptation to keep going deeper . Jerron said that things would eventually swim so deep that they would cross over into the Abyss and Kalona did say that he spent four years there with his uncle . It was a crazy thought , I know that now , but at the time it felt like the Abyss was so close and so were the potential answers to my questions . However , as my friends began to backtrack , I did too , not wanting to lose myself in the darkness . This time , we kept a lookout for another ship and eventually we saw one . There was pile of treasure sitting in it 's hull , however , we all noticed that we weren 't alone . It looked like the flash of scales from a fish , but a big fish at that . It was then when Cade was pulled backwards out of the ship , me being dragged along with him because I had tied myself to him as we both discovered what we thought were merrow . They attacked , but they were no match for us . Cade took a lot of damage and went unconscious for a while , but the battle was over soon after that . Zen joined us as I got Cade conscious again and told us that she killed three of them . I don 't think the merrows thought we were going to be that tough of a fight . We spent some time gathering what we could , when something else caught our eye . It was a male merfolk , who seemed to have been watching as we killed the merrow . He offered to take us to their home in the reef so we could rest after the fight because there was more merrows that we 'd have to deal with . We agreed and a few other merfolk joined us as we followed them there . Eventually , we found ourselves in a cave and to our delight , there was actually land and air within it . Cade and I crawled onto the sand , hacking the water out of our lungs and I remember myself collapsing onto the beach . In that moment , I was thankful just to be on dry land again . I knew that my body would be aching in the morning from all the swimming for for the moment , I was going to enjoy just laying there . It had been such a strange adventure already and I had a feeling it was going to get weirder from here .

JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . After speaking with Kalona , I returned home to see what the plans were for the day . There was a few things I needed to go buy , some of which I wanted to go buy alone , but I needed to see if there was anything important we had to do . We still needed to find the crown for Mark , so Cade and I decided that we were going to do that later on , so I had the morning to myself . I ordered a bracelet to be made for Kalona and then decided to do something I never wanted to do ever again . I decided to go to a brothel . Now , it wasn 't for the normal reasons . You see , my parents ' were the " wait until marriage " type and well , I hadn 't been doing that . I was a little concerned about you know , getting pregnant , but I didn 't know where to get contraceptives so I thought asking someone at the brothel would be the best option . The lady who I asked about them was super nice , even though I was very awkward about it , and told me that I needed to go to the apothecary to get some . I did as she told me , had an awkward conversation about how much I needed with the person running the apothecary and then went on my merry , yet shameful , way . The last thing I wanted to do before I met Cade near the Black Market was to apologize to Lord Allen . I got a nice bottle of wine from one of the taverns and went to his house . He didn 't open the door fully when he answered it , but accepted my apology and the bottle of wine . He seemed distracted while talking to him , especially when I asked him about if there was any children that had went missing from the city . His lack of knowledge about the inner workings of the city concerned me , but as I finished up my conversation with him , I realized why he was being so strange with me . Kalona had told him to go enjoy a night with his girlfriend and relax a little . I felt like an idiot for not realizing it sooner . Remembering that Kalona told me that he 'd go to the Black Market with me a few days before , I stopped by his house , knocking on his window this time to see if he wanted to go with me . He seemed surprised that I was using his window , but I just figured it was what we 're doing now since he 's constantly using my window to get into my house rather than the door . He told me he needed to collect his things and he 'd meet me outside in a few moments . After he was ready , we headed to the Black Market . Cade was already waiting for me there , seeming a little surprised that Kalona was here too , but didn 't say anything about it . I explained to Kalona that we were looking for a missing crown , describing it to him , and asked if he knew which merchant might have it . Kalona said that there was this special items merchant that might have it , so we decided we 'd start our search there . The market itself was an interesting place and there was a lot of activity moving through the area . Most of the items being sold seemed to be legitimate , but a lot of the goods were illegal . The special items merchant was no different . The merchant already knew Cade because he showed Cade some daggers the day before , but Cade didn 't have the money to buy them at the time . I asked him if he had any crowns and he pulled out three matching the description I gave him . Two were very similar and pretty well made , and the other one looked fairly cheaply made , but the merchant explained that it had a magical aura about it . I told him about our situation and he told me that the crown I wanted was the cheaper looking one . He admitted that he 's encountered it a few times before and that if we bought something else , it was free . However , out of curiosity , it was 15 , 000 gold if we didn 't buy anything else . He showed me a bow that I might like , but the price was too steep for me , so we bought the daggers Cade wanted and got the crown as well , saving 11 , 000 gold . I ended up buying an original painting from the man who was selling his forgeries in hopes to inspire him to keep creating his own work . It was a very pretty painting , but I honestly paid too much for it . With nothing else to do , we decided to go check out the gambling area and Cade and I were greeted with a few congratulations here and there for winning the tournament . Some people told us that we won them money . This was all fine and dandy but someone did catch our attention . Sitting at one of the tables was none other than cart man . It 's been awhile since we encountered him in the woods outside Frostford . He stole money from Zen , left us with a cart full of useless , magical items , and when Cade shouted at him from across the room , it was easy to see that he hadn 't forgotten about us . He was off like a shot , sprinting out of the gambling area , and Cade told me that we should chase him down . I told Cade we shouldn 't and we should just let him live in fear of us . He 's never going to bother us again anyway so why kill him ? Cade eventually agreed , but Kalona had some questions about the magical items this guy had on the chart . Knowing that it was going to be easier to show off what they did than explain them , we went to the training center . Kalona didn 't seem too enthusiastic when I started showing the longsword we picked up off the cart to him , mostly because I told him earlier that I was going to hit him with it . After getting the sword out of the bag of holding , I showed him that the edge would draw blood by cutting my finger on it a little bit . After that , I attacked , hitting his arm with the sword as it did no damage , turning into rubber . Kalona went from unimpressed to interested soon after and I handed him the sword . Like most other people we tell about this sword , he thought it was extremely weird , but could come in handy in some situations . After a little while of talking between the three of us , I asked him if he would come to our house later because there was things that we needed to discuss as a group . He said he 'd come and I asked him to make sure he wasn 't followed . Back at the house , I started discussing the missing children with Cade and Zen . Neither one of them really wanted to go help them , because they weren 't sure what we 'd be getting into . Neither one of them really cared anyway . I explained to them that I didn 't want to go , especially if we were going to the Nine Hells , but we needed to go save these children . We had waited for such a long time and I finally felt that we were ready to face it . Cade asked if we were really ready , and I brought up to them that we had killed two dragons already . By that time , the window to my bedroom opened and soon Kalona was standing with us in the living room . I thanked him for coming , but insisted to Zen and Cade that we needed to do this . Zen made a promise to Carp 's mother to find him and she 'd be breaking that promise if we didn 't do anything . Eventually , they agreed to go with me , and I decided that we 'd go tomorrow . Now , I didn 't really want Kalona there for that conversation , but I did want him to be a part of this one . I told Cade and Zen that we need to start considering what we are going to do about Atlas Fletcher . By that time , Cade and Zen didn 't seem to be too eager to discuss anymore , and Kalona seemed a bit confused why he was here for this . I made it brief , saying that we needed to start this conversation because if our two teams were going to work together , we needed to start the discussion now . However , there wasn 't much discussion , which honestly irritated me a little . With that done , Kalona and I left the house because I wanted to talk through some things with him in private . We walked a little ways out of the city and onto a grassy hilltop and I told him that we needed to let each other know what we knew about the situation between our families . He wanted me to start , so I told him that I knew that my mother and little brother were killed as a sacrifice to Atlas ' father , Asmodeus , and the reason that he wants my family 's blood is because we are descendants of a paladin of Obad - Hai . He said that he didn 't know much more but looking at him , I finally felt like I was able to ask something I 'd been waiting for the right moment to say . " I do have a question for you , " I remember saying , causing his eyes to look at me curiously . " If you 're grandfather is Asmodeus , what does that make you ? " " It doesn 't change how I feel about you , Kalona , " I told him , hoping that I didn 't make him angry with my question . I asked him if he had any plans on how to defeat Atlas , saying that my plans are old and stupid and wouldn 't work anymore . He told me that he 'd need some time to think , but he 'd think of something . Jokingly , I told him that my father told me that I needed to kill his mother before his father to weaken him , but that plan was out the window . He grew a bit stern at the mention of killing his mother , saying his mother was to be left out of this conflict , but he did tell me that she doesn 't like me . I wouldn 't expect anything else . I only had one final question for him and it was a weird one . When I went out with him the second night we were in Aspienne , I noticed that he had faint scars on his hands . While I was with him , I noticed he 'd rub them from time to time , but I was never able to figure out where they had come from . I thought that this would be as good of a time as any to ask , so I did . He explained to me that he got them when he tried to stand up against his father after I broke up with him . He got in a fight with an assassin , who was a lizard creature by the name of Slither . That fight with Slither was almost deadly for him . After that , he went to train with his uncle , the demon lord Graz ' zt , in the Abyss . He spent nearly four years training with him in hopes of being strong enough one day to face his father . I gazed at him for a while , wanting to ask more questions about his time away during those four years , but I knew that now wasn 't the time . It was getting late and we needed to get back eventually . He told me that he had a gift for me and pulled out a thin , silver bracelet with white and red stones on it . He put it on my wrist and told me that it is a bracelet of revitalization , so if I would fall in battle , it would at least get me back on my feet . I studied it for a few moments , knowing that what he was really telling me was to stay alive . I smiled at him , thanking him for it , and told him that I had a present for him too . I handed a leather bracelet to him with the words , " It 's always been yours , " burned into the leather inside of it . He smiled when he read the phrase , I felt a bit bad that it wasn 't magical , but he thanked me for it . I told him that he could come over for the night if he wanted to , and he said that he might take me up on that offer , before we parted ways and went home . Cade had followed Kalona and I , but wasn 't able to hear our conversation , due to us speaking in the language we had made up in our teens , and seemed to have a few questions for me . I answered them as best as I could , not wanting to say too much in the streets in case someone was listening . When we made it home , we talked for a little while with Zen before we all retired to our beds . The house was silent when my window slowly slid open and Kalona quietly scrambled through it . I smiled at the sight of him , pleased to see him once more , as he carefully closed the window and took off his sword and shoes after greeting me . I couldn 't help but stare . This man drove me insane , forced me to crave him and his closeness , and ruined every plan I thought I had all without saying a single word . He changed the way I saw the world in a blink of an eye , restored life to me in a heartbeat , and reduced my fears to nothing on a breath . If I could , I 'd sit there and study every curve and angle of his body and commit to memory like some holy scripture . I 'd revel in his presence , bask in the glory of his gaze , and worship the warmth of his love . Mortal yet divine , a man who could have anything he ever desired with just a few charming words , and yet he focused his affections on me . A simple girl from Frostford who 's in way over her head in this world and happens to have a holy bloodline . For the longest time , I never understood what he saw in me but now I 'm beginning to realize what he meant all those years ago . My eyes are focused on him , my heart aching for his touch , as my head considered the possibilities of what we and this relationship could be . Dark , manipulative thoughts started to creep back into my mind , ideas that I hadn 't thought of in a long time , and I considered them . Some of them could work , while others would just be interesting to see unfold over time . These schemes were what he saw in me all those years ago . I didn 't even notice that he stared me with a little smirk on his lips until he came closer to me . " What were you thinking about ? " he asked , his voice deep as I gazed up at him . A chill ran down my spine as I considered his question with a mischievous grin on my face . There wasn 't much on my mind in that moment . The morning light warmed the room as I stirred to find myself still in his arms . I shifted to be able to face him . His expression was peaceful and satisfied and his chest rose and fell with his smooth , steady breaths . I don 't think my heart will never not flutter when I wake up to see that he 's right here beside me . I don 't think I 'll ever get used to this feeling . I can 't even describe it but it 's the most wonderful thing I 've ever felt . I cuddled up closer to him , not wanting this to end . I didn 't want to say goodbye to him so soon but I knew I had to . Today , we were leaving to try to find the missing children , and I didn 't even want to consider that I was leaving him behind . This time , I was able to convince him to stay a bit longer than yesterday morning . We didn 't talk much . We just held each other and cherished the silent moments we shared , not knowing when the next time we 'd be together would come . His body was warm under my touch , his fingers slowly traced the curvatures of mine , and I attempted to memorize the sound of his heartbeat . In the stillness of it all , my mind was racing as I tried to guess the next time we 'd be together . I couldn 't , and that upset me a little . He eventually had to leave and return to his team and I took the time to get my own things packed and ready . Beacon watched me as I did so , his tail beating against the bed when I even glanced at him in the slightest sense . After everything was packed , I made a tea out of the contraceptive I was given , as instructed , and dear gods it tasted horrible . I was able to choke it down without vomiting as Cade and Zen gathered their things . After a while , and a quick run to stock up on some more potions , we were ready to leave . I went over to Kalona 's house and knocked on his window . I let him know that we were leaving soon and I 'd send him a letter once we got back . Before I left , I kissed him goodbye . Back with my group , we made sure we were all ready and once we said we were , Cade drew the portal . I didn 't admit it to them , but I was nervous . I didn 't know what we were going to find once we stepped through the portal . When we did so , my nerves were right . This didn 't look like the layer of Hell we were supposed to be on and as we started to walk towards the building in the distance , there were the bodies of dead children everywhere . Zen , Cade , and I looked for Carp , not letting the sight affect us as we made our way into the building . We found Carp 's body inside and the sense of failure started to creep up in my mind . I took out the last cloak we picked up from the Redbrand 's hideout and wrapped him up in it . Once we were finished , chains whipped out of the darkness and attacked us . The fight was longer than we expected , because I didn 't want to get close to the chain devil so I could actually attack it instead of constantly being grappled by it , but it eventually fell . Slightly irritated , I went over to the desk across the room and collected the money off of it before returning to Cade and Zen when a slow clap started out of the darkness . Stepping out of the shadow before us was the black - haired , golden - eyed , magical boy . However , he now looked to be a teenager . He explained to us that he was surprised to see us , but because of our untimeliness , phase one of his plan was complete and phase two was starting to begin . Confused , we asked him what his plan was and he replied that he wants to watch the gods , and the world , burn . My only thought for him was , get in line . It 's not the first time we 've heard that . Even though I really wanted to say that , I held my tongue and instead focused on him to try to figure out what he was . He wasn 't fiend , celestial , or undead as he explained to us that if we wanted to leave , we needed to do it soon before the portal piece lost it 's power and we were trapped here forever . The last thing he said to us was , " tick , tock . Tick , tock . " The words sent a chill up my spine as Cade drew a portal one last time and we stepped through , finding ourselves back in Aspienne just a couple hours after we left . Cade wrote letters to the people he wrote just hours before , saying that we made it back safely , as I went to Kalona 's window , hoping for him to see him . I 'll admit , I was upset with the outcome and I felt extremely responsible for what had happened , but I didn 't let it show to the rest of my team . I just wanted a bit of a distraction , someone to talk to , and I knew I 'd feel a little bit better about the situation . However , after a few moments of waiting at his window , no one came . I went to the front door and it was the same result . The door was unlocked and I stepped in to see that every trace of them was gone and the house was vacant . My upset turned to irritation in a heartbeat as I grappled with the fact that he was already gone . Fine , I see how it is , I thought to myself , hurting as I tried to convince myself that I knew that this was going to happen . It didn 't mean that it didn 't pain me any less . I made my way back to Cade and Zen , telling them that we needed to do something with Carp 's body , so we made our way to the Temple of Kord to see if anyone there could help us . I held him in my arms as we stepped inside as the thought of his smiling face flashed back before my eyes . He was so excited to finally met adventurers , because he wanted to be one someday , and we were the horrible example of what they were . The tears stung my eyes , regret and despair pressing down on me , and I just couldn 't move past the fact that we failed him and all of the other children . It didn 't hit me until just then . Cade and one of the priests were trying to talk to me but I didn 't even register what they were saying . Cade took Carp out of my arms and told the priest about our situation and asked if we could have a burial arranged for him . He said they could get something arranged , but I didn 't hear anything else . I was too focused on staying on my feet , trying not to cry , and driving the failure out of my mind . Cade had to escort me out of the temple once our business was done there . Eventually , my emotions diminished in intensity and Cade and Zen asked me to write a letter to Carp 's mother . I told them I 'd need a little bit of time , but I was willing to do so . I kept the letter short because I was still fighting back tears as I wrote it , but I explained to her that we found her son , but we wished it would have been under better circumstances . We made arrangements for his burial in Aspienne and we were deeply sorry for her loss . I told her that he was a very brave boy , a bright light in the darkness of this world , and he 'll be truly missed . I apologized to her once more , knowing that my apology wouldn 't help anything at all , but I didn 't know what else to say . It wouldn 't help bring her son back to her . I reread the letter a few times , trying to think of anything else to say , but when I couldn 't think of anything else , I signed it with Klara , Zenthya , and Cade , knowing that she 'd be holding us responsible for her son 's death just like I held Atlas responsible for my mother 's and brother 's . Bitterness ate at my heart , but I didn 't let it show as I sealed the letter and sent it off with a messenger . What I felt didn 't diminish with time like I thought they would . It continued to stew instead . We left Aspienne to go find our prize from the tournament in the Dragon 's Vale Woods , but after two weeks of travel , we found ourselves in Noragate . During this time , Cade was acting like a kleptomaniac and kept stealing stuff from Zen and I , but would always return it . His behavior was odd , and we didn 't really know what to think about it . I asked a local about a place to stay in the city and he asked if I wanted a touristy tavern or one the locals hang out at , and when I said I prefered the local one , he pointed us in the direction of The Tavern of Dragons . It was a pretty nice place and there was a lot of locals there and we ended up getting rooms for the week , but could get a refund if we didn 't stay as long . The barkeeper , who ran the place , was extremely nice . However , the next morning I woke up to see that Cade had stolen a large painting off the wall of the tavern downstairs and I went to Zen 's room to tell her about it . We both agreed that it was time to get down to the bottom of this and have an intervention for Cade . We talked to him for a while , he claimed that there was nothing wrong with him and he eventually agreed to come with us to go see a cleric . After asking the barkeep where to go , we found ourselves in the Temple of Selune , near the port , and asked for a cleric to see Cade . A few minutes passed before a silver dragonborn arrived , her name was Ireimeila , and after a bit of talking with her and her examining Cade , she was able to tell us that the daggers he bought were probably cursed . Zen took the daggers from Cade after that and the dragonborn said that we needed to go to the magic shop in town to know the identity of the curse . We did so and found ourselves in front of Griemshaw Trading Co . Now , Kalona did tell me that the last he knew , my brother was in town , but my first thought was when I saw that name was that it was a bit too similar to my family 's shop name , Grayson Trader Grove , but I didn 't dare ask anything of it because when we stepped in , he wasn 't there . There was a blonde , secretary - like lady and a bodyguard . We asked if they could identify the daggers and the blonde lady went into the back for a while to do so , and after a while , she returned to tell us that they were cursed . The previous owner was a greedy bastard and was banned from most cities and the daggers are okay to use as long as you don 't have them attuned to you for longer than three weeks . We thanked her and we ended up visiting another shop . This one was more general weapons , but I did ask the gentleman running it , a man by the name of Zasur , if he had seen my brother after showing him a picture of him , and he said he had but didn 't give me much information about him and was a jerk to me instead . You know all of those emotions I was feeling earlier ? Well , guess who was now pissed off . We went to other shops and , after a little bit of coin to get tongues loosened , I was able to find out of that my dear brother was the Fletchers ' business partner and that he changed his last name to Griemshaw . So original , brother . You only changed a few letters . We also found out that ships were being sunk out at sea and it was scaring the sailors and the Merchant 's Guild wanted some adventurers to go out and fix the problem . Eventually , I made my way back to Griemshaw Trading Co . and asked the blonde lady , her name is Vancha , if I could speak to my brother . Her response : " Maybe he doesn 't want to talk to you . " By that point , I was furious with every fucking merchant in that city and I wanted to rip out her throat . I was going to talk to my brother one way or another , no matter who or what stood in my way . We found Ireimeila again , giving her an ' update ' on her patient , before I asked her about my brother . She was about as helpful as every other person we talked to in that city , minus the barkeep , but explained to me that if I really wanted to talk to my brother , I needed to talk to Aren Wilso first , since he was the leader of the Merchant 's Guild . However , it would be nearly impossible to speak with him . At that point , my mantra became " fuck this city . " Not going to stop my pursuit , I asked Cade and Zen to come with me to the Merchant 's Guild inn , aptly named the Inn of Traders . I hung outside with Zen , who wanted to sneak in with Cade but was unable to , as he tried to find a way for me to talk with my brother . Vaga , I mean , Vancha arrived at the tavern and was the reason that Cade was able to slip in , but the wait was killing me . I was furious with the situation . I wanted to move on with my life and leave this fucking city and everyone in it as soon as possible but not without speaking to my brother for one time in four years . All I wanted to do was make sure he was alright and then I could be at peace with the fact that he 's allied with my enemy and to let father know that his son 's still alive . Eventually , Cade came out of the tavern and told me that he set up a meeting with my brother at the Serpent 's Den at noon . He told us that he said he was a representative of a trader from Vocans and she wanted to establish a trade route , but he himself was not from Vocans . Satisfied by the arrangement , we went back to the Tavern of Dragons for the night . At noon the next day , we arrived at the Serpent 's Den and found out that it was a brothel . An extremely handsome tiefling man seemed to run the place and I told him , in my best Vocans ' accent , that we were here for the meeting with Nikolas Griemshaw . That 's when I realized that the tiefling named Kisora was actually from Vocans as he spoke . After he told us what room he was in , I thanked him and told him , " Be pleased , " remembering that my father told me to say that if I was ever dealing with someone from Vocans . He seemed pretty impressed , repeating the phrase to me before we went into the room he told us my brother was in . Upon entering the room , two men were already there within it . One I didn 't recognize and the other had changed a bit since I last saw him . " Hello , Klara , " my brother said , his tone not enthusiastic to see me . He was taller now and more muscular , he 'd grown a beard and was wearing glasses , but other than that he looked much like he did when he left all those years ago . " Hello , Nikolas , " I replied , a bit irritated that the other man was here . There were a few , tense moments between us and I noticed that my companions were getting uncomfortable with the silence . I was just trying to think what to say . My brother and I didn 't leave on the best terms , and I could still see some of that resentment in his eyes as he looked at me . I told him that it was good to see him , to know that he 's alright , and I hoped that his business was doing well . He said that things were fine and that him and his wife , Vancha , were doing well . So the rude , blonde lady is my sister - in - law . Wonderful . I told him that I heard that he was business partners with the Fletchers now and I asked how that came to be . He explained to me that he ran from them for a while , but they eventually caught up with him and he made a deal with them . All he had to do was given them some blood , become their business partner , and then he was safe . Anger flared in my chest , knowing that he had sealed his fate and mine as well . I didn 't say anything , however , because I wasn 't going to let him see that the hate that was growing within me as I heard more about his situation . I told him that father would be pleased to know that he was alright , which caused my brother to come slightly unglued . He told me that he no longer had any love for our father because he was the reason that our mother was dead since he wasn 't there to protect her . I retorted , telling him that there was no way we could 've known that she was going to be murdered if we left . He then told me that it was our father 's fault that there was such a divide between the Fletchers and us , and I asked him if he remembered that we were the ones who did most of the damage . We were the ones actively trying to turn the town against them , we were the ones who started the fire , because our father wanted no part in it at first . I could see I was getting to him , I was making his angry , and I enjoyed it . I told him that , even though he doesn 't like father , that father would be proud of him because he 's doing what he wished for the both of us to do after he left . Start a business , move on with our lives , and not look back . My brother considered my words for a few , brief moments . Nikolas then explained to me that Waicox offered the house and the business to him , two months after our father left Frostford , but he declined . He wanted nothing to do with our property anymore . I told him that he should return soon , that mother would like to see him because her spirit is still tied to the house for the time being , but he refused . He said he didn 't care anymore . Up until that point , nothing he said really hurt me , but that did . For someone who hated so much due to our mother 's death , he should be ecstatic about the fact that he 'd have a chance to talk to her one more time . He wasn 't and that stung . Any bit of affection I used to have for my brother shattered in that instant and I realized that he wasn 't even worthy of my time anymore . However , he 's my brother and I still love him . With our personal matters out on the table , he did mention the fact that the Merchant 's Guild would like us to find whatever was sinking their ships . He explained that the merfolk and the guild had a treaty , but now they 're attacking and they want someone to go get to the bottom of it . I told him that we 'd consider the offer , but there 's business we must do first before we even consider the offer . That didn 't seem like an answer either one of the two men wanted to hear . Before our meeting was over , I went over to my brother , who was suspiciously eyeing me , and gave him a hug . It was probably the most awkward hug ever but again , he was still my brother even though he seemed to hate me . I whispered into his ear that I was glad he was alright and I hoped that in time , things between us wouldn 't be so strained and we could move past this . He stiffened slightly at my words before whispering , " You know the Fletchers will find you . " I couldn 't help but smile as the thought of Kalona and I flashed into my mind . " They already have , " I replied , smirking at my brother as I pulled out of the hug as confusion entered his eyes . With that , Cade , Zen , and I left the room and once we were gone , they said that my brother was a jerk . I tore off a small piece of the scroll my father gave to me and wrote a short note on it , saying that Nikolas is safe , he 's in Noragate , and this town is horrible . I thought of my father after I finished the message and the slip disappeared from my hands . With that done , a few shots of alcohol from Kisora 's bar , and some small talk with him , we left the city . Now , in my anger towards the Merchant 's Guild and the city of Noragate , we forgot our horses so we had to go back , losing a day of travel , but we eventually found the cave that Mr . Ward described to us . Upon entering the cave , there was a dragon 's skeleton wrapped around a pile of treasure . On top of the pile of treasure were four dragon eggs . Each was warm to the touch , so they still seemed to be alive and we each chose one egg for ourselves . I took the blue egg while Cade took the green and Zen kept the red . We decided to take the lilac egg with us , not knowing what do with it at the moment but we didn 't want to leave it . Satisfied with our winnings and our collection of the remaining dragon parts , we noticed as the glyphs that outline the entrance to the cave powered down , which freaked Cade and Zen out . I was alright with it , knowing that we walked in here without being harmed so we should be able to walk out . Mr . Ward also said that he made sure that no one would touch our winnings so I figured that 's what the glyphs were for . With that done , we made our way back to Noragate , discussing whether or not we should accept the deal with the Merchant 's Guild . I finally noticed that the bracelet Kalona gave me was missing and I asked Cade if he had it and he said he didn 't . That didn 't stop me from thinking that he took it though . Cade and Zen wanted to take the deal because they thought we could get a lot of money out of it , but I didn 't want to accept it due to how pissed off I was with all of them . However , I told them that since they wanted to accept it , I 'd go with them because they went with me to save the children even though they didn 't want to . Once back in the city , I went to my brother 's shop and found him working there . I told him that the business we had to do was done and we were accepting the guild 's offer . For once , my brother actually looked a little satisfied as he told me that we 'd need to come to the guild hall at six for a meeting before he gave me directions how to get there . I thanked him and left and we decided to go see Kisora . When we got there , however , he couldn 't stay long because he was called in for a guild meeting , but would see us there at six . With nothing else to do , we hung out there until it was time to go . Following my brother 's directions , we made our way to the Merchant 's Guild Hall , but quickly found out that my brother kindly forgot to tell us how to get in . After a while of trying and realizing that we 'd probably have to break our way in , Kisora came and let us in . I liked Kisora a lot before that moment , but now I was in love with him . Compared to all of the other guild members , he was genuinely a good man . He lead us to where the meeting was taking place and on the walls of this hall was the crests of the people who were members . The only reason I knew that was there was a slightly modified version of the Grayson family crest on the wall behind my brother . Sitting across from us was the man I saw with my brother when I spoke with him and he introduced himself as Aren Wilso . He thanked us for taking their offer and explained to us that we were to go five miles off of the coast to the reef where the ships have been sinking and investigate what 's happening there . We were each handed a ring of waterbreathing to use during our quest . I pressed him for more information , my companions staying silent . We barely knew what he wanted us to do and I wanted that to be out on the table for everyone in the room to hear . He explained to me that he wanted us to attempt to broker a deal with the merfolk or kill if needed . Mostly , he wants to know what 's attacking the ships because it seems like something is luring them closer to the reef since they find them either wrecked on it or dragged down below the water 's surface . Cade and Zen still didn 't talk , so I took it as an opportunity to continue on . I questioned Aren about a reward for our work , and he didn 't mention anything about one , so I pressed him on it , saying that we do require compensation for our time . He avoided an answer , which irritated me , and I asked him about the deal they had with the merfolk . He said that before this happened , their relationship with the merfolk was good , but it is about the time for them to broker a new treaty with them . He told me that if the treaty is broken , he wants to know why , and if it 's something we think they can fix , we 'd broker a deal with them . If it can 't be fixed , kill them all . " So you 're asking us to commit genocide , " I stated firmly , my rage swelling up within my chest . I glared at him from across the room , waiting for his response . He told me that if it came down it it , then yes , he was . In that moment , I hated everyone in that guild hall and I was questioning why I was ever here talking to them , especially if these merfolk were innocent in this . He finally mentioned that our reward could be potentially more than just money , depending on how well we did , especially if we kept the treaty alive . Studying me , he asked if we had a deal and I looked to Cade and Zen . They were the ones who wanted to do this , but they looked troubled as I gazed at them . Returning my attention to Wilso , I told him that we had a deal . He wrote us a charter for a ship but we were to go to the docks and pick the ship and the crew we wanted . I took the document and put it in my bag before I walked down the table , passing by a few of the guild members , and standing by Wilso , looking down at him . I offered him my hand , and he took it and firmly shook my hand . I told him we 'd return as soon as possible . I felt the weight of the guild members gazes and I walked back towards my friends but I didn 't care . I was upset with the situation we just put ourselves in and all of those people in that room , minus Kisora , had been rude to us . They were full of themselves and they could stand to be knocked down a few pegs . I knew their type , I knew what you had to do to survive in a business setting like that , and I wasn 't going to let them push me around . I wasn 't their bitch to control . Furious but close to tears , we made our way to Kisora 's brothel to discuss what just happened . He wasn 't back yet but we made ourselves comfortable and I sat with my head on the bar in front of me . I felt like shit , and the bartender working there automatically poured me a shot . I took it , not even thinking about it , and set my head back on the bar as Cade rubbed my back . I asked them if they still wanted to do this , and they said that they did . I also asked if they thought I was too forceful with the guild . They didn 't answer . Soon , Kisora arrived and took over the bartender 's job , pouring both Cade and I another shot . He told us that they were expecting that to go a little differently . I told him that I felt horrible and I wasn 't going to let them force our hand , my voice a bit muffled with my head still on the bar . He did admit that some of the members didn 't like me . I told him that the guild can go fuck themselves , but not him because he 's nice . Cade and Zen talked with him for a while , asking what he knew about the situation as I finally raised my head . The tears stung my eyes as I fought them back . He explained that what he knew about the situation was already discussed with us , and they asked him if he agreed with what Wilso wanted . He admitted that he didn 't want to see the merfolk killed either . With tears in my eyes , I asked him what we should do so it wouldn 't come to that . His answer was to not let it get to that point . At his words , I started crying and explaining to them that I was done with this city and everyone in it . Nothing was working out the way I thought it would , we couldn 't save those children , Kalona left too soon , I can 't find the bracelet he gave me , my brother 's a dick , the guild is made of a bunch of jerks , and now we have to possibly go murder a bunch of merfolk for no apparent reason . " Klara , you need to relax , " Kisora told me , his accent thick in his voice . " What do you think I 'm trying to do ? Alcohol hasn 't been helping so far , " I explained to him . He told me that he had just the thing for me , that it knocked out people from Vocans in just one shot , so it would help me relax . The shot he poured was thick and extremely yellow but I didn 't care . I took it in one swallow . It burned horribly and tasted disgusting but once it faded , a numbness started in my mouth and worked its way throughout my entire body . Oh , it felt so nice until I tried to speak . Zen asked Kisora what he gave me , and was giving to Cade while she spoke and he explained that it was sandkeg venom . She was appalled that he gave us vemon and he had to explain to her the properties of the liquor . I really didn 't care because for the first time in two and a half weeks , I wasn 't so tense . I caught bits and pieces of Zen 's conversation with him and jumped in from time to time . He was describing Vocans to us and telling us about the Assassin 's Guild there . He mentioned that the two nicest assassins to come out of that guild was Jack and another man named Reylar Ventoris . He spoke for a while , explaining to us that not all of the assassins are as nice as them , and at his mention of Slither , I told him that he killed my mother . He told me that he was sorry to hear that and continued to tell us about Vocans . It was nice to just listen to him speak . After a while , I asked him if he had any recommendations about who to charter and he told us it depended on where we wanted to go . If we were going to Vocans , he recommended Captain Jorly , but if we were doing anything with the Sea of Storms , like we were , he said we needed Captain Jerron . He explained to us that the Sea of Storms is dangerous and most captains who sail it refuse to go to Croak , but Jerron is crazy enough to do so . After a little while more of talking , it was getting late and we decided to call it quits for the night . However , I didn 't leave because after Cade and Zen left , I asked Kisora if he 'd been willing to help me relax a little more . He considered my offer for a while , before shrugging and telling me why not , and we went into one of the back rooms . Even with the venom still in my system , I wasn 't okay . I was hurting and I needed a distraction from it all and he was extremely attractive . I didn 't know what I was doing though but I also didn 't care . He lead me to the bed and had me sit down on the edge of it as I touched his face , causing him a gentle smile to form on his lips . He moved closer to me , as if to kiss me , but his lips never met mine and he began to wrap a blanket around my shoulders . He pulled away , taking my hands in his as he looked me in the eye . " You need to rest , " he insisted and the tears started welling up once more . " I don 't think I 'll be able to , " I replied as I felt the tears begin to fall . He wrapped the blanket tighter around me as he helped me lay down on the bed before laying down beside me . He wiped my tears from my eyes and asked me to tell him what happened . I explained to him what happened with the missing children , how we weren 't able to save them , and how we failed to keep our promise to one of the boy 's mothers . I then told him about Kalona leaving and , even though I knew we would both have to leave sometime , it hurt to see him gone so soon when I needed his comfort the most . Then , I told him about the troubles we had here in Noragate all because I just wanted to talk to my brother for the first time in four years and make sure he was alright . There was also the whole thing with the guild that happened that night that I wasn 't comfortable with and I 'm so tired of this town , the guild , and my brother . I admitted that to him that I was jealous of my brother because he has everything I wanted when I was younger . A prosperous business , a spouse , a life we both always dreamed of living . When I heard that he was actually here in the city , all I wanted when I saw him was to make sure he was alright . I didn 't expect to receive such a cold welcome . Kisora held me close while I told him this , gently rubbing my back as I choked on my words and my tears . He didn 't say anything and just allowed me to talk . Eventually , I ran out of things to say and when that happened , my tears eventually slowed . Once they stopped , he told me that he had to go take care of some things , but he 'd be back soon . I pulled the blanket around myself tighter , gazing up at the ceiling . I knew Cade and Zen were probably thinking that I was doing something else with him , but at the moment , I wouldn 't even consider it like I did before . A part of me was embarrassed for breaking down in front of him like this . He saw me driven by anger and fury , full of fire , as I talked to the guild and spoke with people around the town , but he also witnessed how fragile I was , how delicate the facade I put up for the city was . He saw me when I was trying to prove that I was at my best , even though I was truly at my worst . I was focused on calming my ragged breaths when he came back into the room with a cup in his hands . He handed it to me , it was warm to the touch , as he told me that it was warm milk and honey and it should help me feel a little better . I thanked him for it , looking at the cup in my hands for a while before finally taking a sip . I apologized to him for the way I was acting and he told me that it wasn 't a problem . He told me that , " Everyone has their breaking point , Klara . It 's not something you need to apologize for . " I nodded , thanking him once more , before he left the room again . I took some time to finished the drink he gave me , making sure that the honey was well mixed into the milk , as I considered his words . Why was did his kindness seem so familiar to me ? He was a stranger , but it felt like I was around an old friend when I was with him . It was something unexpected for this city and I felt like I could trust him . I didn 't know why I felt so strongly about him . The next morning , I woke to find that the cup from the night before was gone and Kisora had left a couple pastries and a few pieces of fruit on the nightstand next to me and there was a couple more blankets on my bed . His kindness almost brought me to tears again . I ate one of each with some of the water I had before I started to gather my things . There was a knock at the door and I opened it to see him standing there . He asked me if everything was alright and I told him it was , but I should probably be going soon . I thanked him for his hospitality and for everything he did for me last night and that if there was ever anything I could do to repay him , all he needed to do was let me know . He said he 'd remember that and he wished me luck on our journey ahead . I gave him a quick hug goodbye , thanking him one final time , before I left to make my way back to the Tavern of Dragons to find Cade and Zen . Once back with them , we made our way to the docks in hopes to find the captain that Kisora recommended to us . It was a bustling place with a lot of people coming in and out of ships and we eventually found one of Captain Jerron 's crew members . He called to his captain and we were introduced to him . Captain Jerron was a young man , his hair closely shaved , and he wasn 't the happiest when I showed him the charter from the Merchant 's Guild . I told him that Kisora recommended us to him , and his demeanor changed , admitting to us that he didn 't exactly like the Merchant 's Guild . I told him that we don 't really like them either but agreed to do this task for them . With a nod , he said that they needed to bring supplies on board , but they 'd be ready to take us out to sea within an hour . We soon figured out which ones in our group had experience out at sea and which of us didn 't . Zen was perfectly fine with the rough , choppy waters , even as a storm started to pick up , but Cade was struggling with it . I was alright but a little nervous . I 'd been out at sea a couple times on the Sea of Sorrows with Levi 's crews . This sea was much rougher than the one back home . Jerron , noticing our levels of experience asked Zen and I about which seas we 'd been on while Cade was tying himself to one of the masts . Zen said that she traveled the Sea of Storms to get from Readmont to Araluen , so she was fairly familiar with the choppiness of it . I told him that I 'd traveled on the Sea of Sorrows a few times and he told me that this sea was a whole different beast . I could already tell . Zen did ask why the Sea of Sorrows was named that way and Jerron explained it was because it results in the death of a lot of sailors . There was a lot of death associated with that area in general . Cade , finally brave enough to make his way up to where we were with Jerron , got to hear the story Jerron told us about Croak , saying that most people don 't go there because of the dangerous waters but there is a temple to the Raven Queen located on the island . Kisora also mentioned something about the Raven Queen to us as well . Jerron also told us the story about Barovia and Strahd since none of us knew it . He then went on telling us more about the sea , telling us that most people are chickens for fearing it so much . He also mentioned to us what he knew about the situation and the dangers we 'd face soon after we asked him about the merfolk . He had heard that the sea elves brokered deals between merfolk and humanoids and it was spawning season for the merfolk , so he didn 't understand why they would be attacking . We told him about the sinking ships and he said that it sounded more like merrow to him than the merfolk . None of us had heard of merrow before , so he told us that they were merfolk once , but they swam too deep into the ocean and made their way into the Abyss , where they were corrupted . Once they returned , they were evil compared to the more gentle merfolk and have been know to sink ships like we described to him . He told us that if we were dealing with merrows , we needed to be careful . Around this time , Cade came up to me and put the bracelet Kalona gave to me back on my wrist . I shot him a dirty look and he said that he had found it and didn 't steal it from me . I wasn 't really convinced . Jerron called out for his crew to set the anchor and lead us to the bow of the ship , asking us if we could see the reef ahead of us . " No , " the three of us said sarcastically , not even attempting to look at where he was pointing . However , we were all able to see the reef and the half - sunken ship ahead of us . He told us that here was where we were getting off and that he 'd wait for two days until they had to go back to port to get more supplies . They 'd come back out after that and wait for us if needed . I asked if they had a dinghy for us to use , and they said they didn 't so we better watch where we jumped . Zen cast a waterbreathing spell on the dire wolves and her leopard and dove in gracefully , followed by her cat . I stood there at the edge of the ship for a while , looking down at the water below while Cade jumped off as he attempted to get Dogmeat to do the same . Beacon followed in after Dogmeat and I looked back that the captain , nodded , and told him that we 'd see them again soon . Every fiber of my being told me to stay on that ship , because I knew the waters below meant death for us . However , there was no turning back now . With a sigh , I did the unthinkable and hopped off the edge of the ship , trying to keep my arms down and feet together as I hit the water . Everything went quiet for a few moments as I began to swim towards the surface , trying not to acknowledge the murky depths below me . Once I emerged , Cade and Zen started swimming towards the sunken ship . I hung on to Beacon since it had been a while for the both of us since we had a proper swim and I didn 't want him to get left behind . Cade and I lost sight of Zen for a while as the dogs and her leopard got to a place where they could stand and Cade and I thought it would be a good time to attempt to try waterbreathing . Today was just filled to the brim with things I thought were unthinkable because Cade and I were literally trying to drown ourselves . I couldn 't bring myself to do it , even when Cade pulled me under and tried to get me to take a breath . He managed to do it way before I did and was trying to convince me it was okay . At one point , he had my head cupped in between his hands as I was panicking , telling him that I just couldn 't do it . He told me that it feels extremely weird but it 's the only way we were going to survive out here . He pulled me under once more , punched me in the gut , which made me inhale some water as I panicked . The water replaced the air in my lungs and I could breathe , but it felt extremely wrong . He smiled at me as I took a few long breaths , attempting to calm down . I had to keep telling myself that I was okay . Eventually , Zen joined us again and asked what we were doing after telling us that the part of the ship she explored was empty . We told her that we were trying to drown ourselves so we could get used to the waterbreathing thing and we were now attempting to get our animals into the water . She began to speak with them , and her leopard was the first one to take to the water . Dogmeat and Beacon were more of a challenge . They soon realized that they could breathe underwater however and we made our way down to find another ship . Zen was speaking to the fishes and they told her where to go and eventually we found ourselves inside a ship with a skeleton crew , much older than the last ship . Cade went up to what looked to be the captain , who was sitting near a pile of loot before he was attacked . It was awkward fighting underwater , but we managed well enough and eventually the skeleton crew was defeated . We collected what loot we could before we exited the ship and went deeper . Everything was dark and cold . I couldn 't make out much of what was ahead of me and kept following the light from Cade 's drift globe as we continued to descend . After a while , we couldn 't see the reef anymore . It was here where we needed to decide whether we kept swimming down or went back up . The obvious choice was to go back but there was a temptation to keep going deeper . Jerron said that things would eventually swim so deep that they would cross over into the Abyss and Kalona did say that he spent four years there with his uncle . It was a crazy thought , I know that now , but at the time it felt like the Abyss was so close and so were the potential answers to my questions . However , as my friends began to backtrack , I did too , not wanting to lose myself in the darkness . This time , we kept a lookout for another ship and eventually we saw one . There was pile of treasure sitting in it 's hull , however , we all noticed that we weren 't alone . It looked like the flash of scales from a fish , but a big fish at that . It was then when Cade was pulled backwards out of the ship , me being dragged along with him because I had tied myself to him as we both discovered what we thought were merrow . They attacked , but they were no match for us . Cade took a lot of damage and went unconscious for a while , but the battle was over soon after that . Zen joined us as I got Cade conscious again and told us that she killed three of them . I don 't think the merrows thought we were going to be that tough of a fight . We spent some time gathering what we could , when something else caught our eye . It was a male merfolk , who seemed to have been watching as we killed the merrow . He offered to take us to their home in the reef so we could rest after the fight because there was more merrows that we 'd have to deal with . We agreed and a few other merfolk joined us as we followed them there . Eventually , we found ourselves in a cave and to our delight , there was actually land and air within it . Cade and I crawled onto the sand , hacking the water out of our lungs and I remember myself collapsing onto the beach . In that moment , I was thankful just to be on dry land again . I knew that my body would be aching in the morning from all the swimming for for the moment , I was going to enjoy just laying there . It had been such a strange adventure already and I had a feeling it was going to get weirder from here .

JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . After speaking with Kalona , I returned home to see what the plans were for the day . There was a few things I needed to go buy , some of which I wanted to go buy alone , but I needed to see if there was anything important we had to do . We still needed to find the crown for Mark , so Cade and I decided that we were going to do that later on , so I had the morning to myself . I ordered a bracelet to be made for Kalona and then decided to do something I never wanted to do ever again . I decided to go to a brothel . Now , it wasn 't for the normal reasons . You see , my parents ' were the " wait until marriage " type and well , I hadn 't been doing that . I was a little concerned about you know , getting pregnant , but I didn 't know where to get contraceptives so I thought asking someone at the brothel would be the best option . The lady who I asked about them was super nice , even though I was very awkward about it , and told me that I needed to go to the apothecary to get some . I did as she told me , had an awkward conversation about how much I needed with the person running the apothecary and then went on my merry , yet shameful , way . The last thing I wanted to do before I met Cade near the Black Market was to apologize to Lord Allen . I got a nice bottle of wine from one of the taverns and went to his house . He didn 't open the door fully when he answered it , but accepted my apology and the bottle of wine . He seemed distracted while talking to him , especially when I asked him about if there was any children that had went missing from the city . His lack of knowledge about the inner workings of the city concerned me , but as I finished up my conversation with him , I realized why he was being so strange with me . Kalona had told him to go enjoy a night with his girlfriend and relax a little . I felt like an idiot for not realizing it sooner . Remembering that Kalona told me that he 'd go to the Black Market with me a few days before , I stopped by his house , knocking on his window this time to see if he wanted to go with me . He seemed surprised that I was using his window , but I just figured it was what we 're doing now since he 's constantly using my window to get into my house rather than the door . He told me he needed to collect his things and he 'd meet me outside in a few moments . After he was ready , we headed to the Black Market . Cade was already waiting for me there , seeming a little surprised that Kalona was here too , but didn 't say anything about it . I explained to Kalona that we were looking for a missing crown , describing it to him , and asked if he knew which merchant might have it . Kalona said that there was this special items merchant that might have it , so we decided we 'd start our search there . The market itself was an interesting place and there was a lot of activity moving through the area . Most of the items being sold seemed to be legitimate , but a lot of the goods were illegal . The special items merchant was no different . The merchant already knew Cade because he showed Cade some daggers the day before , but Cade didn 't have the money to buy them at the time . I asked him if he had any crowns and he pulled out three matching the description I gave him . Two were very similar and pretty well made , and the other one looked fairly cheaply made , but the merchant explained that it had a magical aura about it . I told him about our situation and he told me that the crown I wanted was the cheaper looking one . He admitted that he 's encountered it a few times before and that if we bought something else , it was free . However , out of curiosity , it was 15 , 000 gold if we didn 't buy anything else . He showed me a bow that I might like , but the price was too steep for me , so we bought the daggers Cade wanted and got the crown as well , saving 11 , 000 gold . I ended up buying an original painting from the man who was selling his forgeries in hopes to inspire him to keep creating his own work . It was a very pretty painting , but I honestly paid too much for it . With nothing else to do , we decided to go check out the gambling area and Cade and I were greeted with a few congratulations here and there for winning the tournament . Some people told us that we won them money . This was all fine and dandy but someone did catch our attention . Sitting at one of the tables was none other than cart man . It 's been awhile since we encountered him in the woods outside Frostford . He stole money from Zen , left us with a cart full of useless , magical items , and when Cade shouted at him from across the room , it was easy to see that he hadn 't forgotten about us . He was off like a shot , sprinting out of the gambling area , and Cade told me that we should chase him down . I told Cade we shouldn 't and we should just let him live in fear of us . He 's never going to bother us again anyway so why kill him ? Cade eventually agreed , but Kalona had some questions about the magical items this guy had on the chart . Knowing that it was going to be easier to show off what they did than explain them , we went to the training center . Kalona didn 't seem too enthusiastic when I started showing the longsword we picked up off the cart to him , mostly because I told him earlier that I was going to hit him with it . After getting the sword out of the bag of holding , I showed him that the edge would draw blood by cutting my finger on it a little bit . After that , I attacked , hitting his arm with the sword as it did no damage , turning into rubber . Kalona went from unimpressed to interested soon after and I handed him the sword . Like most other people we tell about this sword , he thought it was extremely weird , but could come in handy in some situations . After a little while of talking between the three of us , I asked him if he would come to our house later because there was things that we needed to discuss as a group . He said he 'd come and I asked him to make sure he wasn 't followed . Back at the house , I started discussing the missing children with Cade and Zen . Neither one of them really wanted to go help them , because they weren 't sure what we 'd be getting into . Neither one of them really cared anyway . I explained to them that I didn 't want to go , especially if we were going to the Nine Hells , but we needed to go save these children . We had waited for such a long time and I finally felt that we were ready to face it . Cade asked if we were really ready , and I brought up to them that we had killed two dragons already . By that time , the window to my bedroom opened and soon Kalona was standing with us in the living room . I thanked him for coming , but insisted to Zen and Cade that we needed to do this . Zen made a promise to Carp 's mother to find him and she 'd be breaking that promise if we didn 't do anything . Eventually , they agreed to go with me , and I decided that we 'd go tomorrow . Now , I didn 't really want Kalona there for that conversation , but I did want him to be a part of this one . I told Cade and Zen that we need to start considering what we are going to do about Atlas Fletcher . By that time , Cade and Zen didn 't seem to be too eager to discuss anymore , and Kalona seemed a bit confused why he was here for this . I made it brief , saying that we needed to start this conversation because if our two teams were going to work together , we needed to start the discussion now . However , there wasn 't much discussion , which honestly irritated me a little . With that done , Kalona and I left the house because I wanted to talk through some things with him in private . We walked a little ways out of the city and onto a grassy hilltop and I told him that we needed to let each other know what we knew about the situation between our families . He wanted me to start , so I told him that I knew that my mother and little brother were killed as a sacrifice to Atlas ' father , Asmodeus , and the reason that he wants my family 's blood is because we are descendants of a paladin of Obad - Hai . He said that he didn 't know much more but looking at him , I finally felt like I was able to ask something I 'd been waiting for the right moment to say . " I do have a question for you , " I remember saying , causing his eyes to look at me curiously . " If you 're grandfather is Asmodeus , what does that make you ? " " It doesn 't change how I feel about you , Kalona , " I told him , hoping that I didn 't make him angry with my question . I asked him if he had any plans on how to defeat Atlas , saying that my plans are old and stupid and wouldn 't work anymore . He told me that he 'd need some time to think , but he 'd think of something . Jokingly , I told him that my father told me that I needed to kill his mother before his father to weaken him , but that plan was out the window . He grew a bit stern at the mention of killing his mother , saying his mother was to be left out of this conflict , but he did tell me that she doesn 't like me . I wouldn 't expect anything else . I only had one final question for him and it was a weird one . When I went out with him the second night we were in Aspienne , I noticed that he had faint scars on his hands . While I was with him , I noticed he 'd rub them from time to time , but I was never able to figure out where they had come from . I thought that this would be as good of a time as any to ask , so I did . He explained to me that he got them when he tried to stand up against his father after I broke up with him . He got in a fight with an assassin , who was a lizard creature by the name of Slither . That fight with Slither was almost deadly for him . After that , he went to train with his uncle , the demon lord Graz ' zt , in the Abyss . He spent nearly four years training with him in hopes of being strong enough one day to face his father . I gazed at him for a while , wanting to ask more questions about his time away during those four years , but I knew that now wasn 't the time . It was getting late and we needed to get back eventually . He told me that he had a gift for me and pulled out a thin , silver bracelet with white and red stones on it . He put it on my wrist and told me that it is a bracelet of revitalization , so if I would fall in battle , it would at least get me back on my feet . I studied it for a few moments , knowing that what he was really telling me was to stay alive . I smiled at him , thanking him for it , and told him that I had a present for him too . I handed a leather bracelet to him with the words , " It 's always been yours , " burned into the leather inside of it . He smiled when he read the phrase , I felt a bit bad that it wasn 't magical , but he thanked me for it . I told him that he could come over for the night if he wanted to , and he said that he might take me up on that offer , before we parted ways and went home . Cade had followed Kalona and I , but wasn 't able to hear our conversation , due to us speaking in the language we had made up in our teens , and seemed to have a few questions for me . I answered them as best as I could , not wanting to say too much in the streets in case someone was listening . When we made it home , we talked for a little while with Zen before we all retired to our beds . The house was silent when my window slowly slid open and Kalona quietly scrambled through it . I smiled at the sight of him , pleased to see him once more , as he carefully closed the window and took off his sword and shoes after greeting me . I couldn 't help but stare . This man drove me insane , forced me to crave him and his closeness , and ruined every plan I thought I had all without saying a single word . He changed the way I saw the world in a blink of an eye , restored life to me in a heartbeat , and reduced my fears to nothing on a breath . If I could , I 'd sit there and study every curve and angle of his body and commit to memory like some holy scripture . I 'd revel in his presence , bask in the glory of his gaze , and worship the warmth of his love . Mortal yet divine , a man who could have anything he ever desired with just a few charming words , and yet he focused his affections on me . A simple girl from Frostford who 's in way over her head in this world and happens to have a holy bloodline . For the longest time , I never understood what he saw in me but now I 'm beginning to realize what he meant all those years ago . My eyes are focused on him , my heart aching for his touch , as my head considered the possibilities of what we and this relationship could be . Dark , manipulative thoughts started to creep back into my mind , ideas that I hadn 't thought of in a long time , and I considered them . Some of them could work , while others would just be interesting to see unfold over time . These schemes were what he saw in me all those years ago . I didn 't even notice that he stared me with a little smirk on his lips until he came closer to me . " What were you thinking about ? " he asked , his voice deep as I gazed up at him . A chill ran down my spine as I considered his question with a mischievous grin on my face . There wasn 't much on my mind in that moment . The morning light warmed the room as I stirred to find myself still in his arms . I shifted to be able to face him . His expression was peaceful and satisfied and his chest rose and fell with his smooth , steady breaths . I don 't think my heart will never not flutter when I wake up to see that he 's right here beside me . I don 't think I 'll ever get used to this feeling . I can 't even describe it but it 's the most wonderful thing I 've ever felt . I cuddled up closer to him , not wanting this to end . I didn 't want to say goodbye to him so soon but I knew I had to . Today , we were leaving to try to find the missing children , and I didn 't even want to consider that I was leaving him behind . This time , I was able to convince him to stay a bit longer than yesterday morning . We didn 't talk much . We just held each other and cherished the silent moments we shared , not knowing when the next time we 'd be together would come . His body was warm under my touch , his fingers slowly traced the curvatures of mine , and I attempted to memorize the sound of his heartbeat . In the stillness of it all , my mind was racing as I tried to guess the next time we 'd be together . I couldn 't , and that upset me a little . He eventually had to leave and return to his team and I took the time to get my own things packed and ready . Beacon watched me as I did so , his tail beating against the bed when I even glanced at him in the slightest sense . After everything was packed , I made a tea out of the contraceptive I was given , as instructed , and dear gods it tasted horrible . I was able to choke it down without vomiting as Cade and Zen gathered their things . After a while , and a quick run to stock up on some more potions , we were ready to leave . I went over to Kalona 's house and knocked on his window . I let him know that we were leaving soon and I 'd send him a letter once we got back . Before I left , I kissed him goodbye . Back with my group , we made sure we were all ready and once we said we were , Cade drew the portal . I didn 't admit it to them , but I was nervous . I didn 't know what we were going to find once we stepped through the portal . When we did so , my nerves were right . This didn 't look like the layer of Hell we were supposed to be on and as we started to walk towards the building in the distance , there were the bodies of dead children everywhere . Zen , Cade , and I looked for Carp , not letting the sight affect us as we made our way into the building . We found Carp 's body inside and the sense of failure started to creep up in my mind . I took out the last cloak we picked up from the Redbrand 's hideout and wrapped him up in it . Once we were finished , chains whipped out of the darkness and attacked us . The fight was longer than we expected , because I didn 't want to get close to the chain devil so I could actually attack it instead of constantly being grappled by it , but it eventually fell . Slightly irritated , I went over to the desk across the room and collected the money off of it before returning to Cade and Zen when a slow clap started out of the darkness . Stepping out of the shadow before us was the black - haired , golden - eyed , magical boy . However , he now looked to be a teenager . He explained to us that he was surprised to see us , but because of our untimeliness , phase one of his plan was complete and phase two was starting to begin . Confused , we asked him what his plan was and he replied that he wants to watch the gods , and the world , burn . My only thought for him was , get in line . It 's not the first time we 've heard that . Even though I really wanted to say that , I held my tongue and instead focused on him to try to figure out what he was . He wasn 't fiend , celestial , or undead as he explained to us that if we wanted to leave , we needed to do it soon before the portal piece lost it 's power and we were trapped here forever . The last thing he said to us was , " tick , tock . Tick , tock . " The words sent a chill up my spine as Cade drew a portal one last time and we stepped through , finding ourselves back in Aspienne just a couple hours after we left . Cade wrote letters to the people he wrote just hours before , saying that we made it back safely , as I went to Kalona 's window , hoping for him to see him . I 'll admit , I was upset with the outcome and I felt extremely responsible for what had happened , but I didn 't let it show to the rest of my team . I just wanted a bit of a distraction , someone to talk to , and I knew I 'd feel a little bit better about the situation . However , after a few moments of waiting at his window , no one came . I went to the front door and it was the same result . The door was unlocked and I stepped in to see that every trace of them was gone and the house was vacant . My upset turned to irritation in a heartbeat as I grappled with the fact that he was already gone . Fine , I see how it is , I thought to myself , hurting as I tried to convince myself that I knew that this was going to happen . It didn 't mean that it didn 't pain me any less . I made my way back to Cade and Zen , telling them that we needed to do something with Carp 's body , so we made our way to the Temple of Kord to see if anyone there could help us . I held him in my arms as we stepped inside as the thought of his smiling face flashed back before my eyes . He was so excited to finally met adventurers , because he wanted to be one someday , and we were the horrible example of what they were . The tears stung my eyes , regret and despair pressing down on me , and I just couldn 't move past the fact that we failed him and all of the other children . It didn 't hit me until just then . Cade and one of the priests were trying to talk to me but I didn 't even register what they were saying . Cade took Carp out of my arms and told the priest about our situation and asked if we could have a burial arranged for him . He said they could get something arranged , but I didn 't hear anything else . I was too focused on staying on my feet , trying not to cry , and driving the failure out of my mind . Cade had to escort me out of the temple once our business was done there . Eventually , my emotions diminished in intensity and Cade and Zen asked me to write a letter to Carp 's mother . I told them I 'd need a little bit of time , but I was willing to do so . I kept the letter short because I was still fighting back tears as I wrote it , but I explained to her that we found her son , but we wished it would have been under better circumstances . We made arrangements for his burial in Aspienne and we were deeply sorry for her loss . I told her that he was a very brave boy , a bright light in the darkness of this world , and he 'll be truly missed . I apologized to her once more , knowing that my apology wouldn 't help anything at all , but I didn 't know what else to say . It wouldn 't help bring her son back to her . I reread the letter a few times , trying to think of anything else to say , but when I couldn 't think of anything else , I signed it with Klara , Zenthya , and Cade , knowing that she 'd be holding us responsible for her son 's death just like I held Atlas responsible for my mother 's and brother 's . Bitterness ate at my heart , but I didn 't let it show as I sealed the letter and sent it off with a messenger . What I felt didn 't diminish with time like I thought they would . It continued to stew instead . We left Aspienne to go find our prize from the tournament in the Dragon 's Vale Woods , but after two weeks of travel , we found ourselves in Noragate . During this time , Cade was acting like a kleptomaniac and kept stealing stuff from Zen and I , but would always return it . His behavior was odd , and we didn 't really know what to think about it . I asked a local about a place to stay in the city and he asked if I wanted a touristy tavern or one the locals hang out at , and when I said I prefered the local one , he pointed us in the direction of The Tavern of Dragons . It was a pretty nice place and there was a lot of locals there and we ended up getting rooms for the week , but could get a refund if we didn 't stay as long . The barkeeper , who ran the place , was extremely nice . However , the next morning I woke up to see that Cade had stolen a large painting off the wall of the tavern downstairs and I went to Zen 's room to tell her about it . We both agreed that it was time to get down to the bottom of this and have an intervention for Cade . We talked to him for a while , he claimed that there was nothing wrong with him and he eventually agreed to come with us to go see a cleric . After asking the barkeep where to go , we found ourselves in the Temple of Selune , near the port , and asked for a cleric to see Cade . A few minutes passed before a silver dragonborn arrived , her name was Ireimeila , and after a bit of talking with her and her examining Cade , she was able to tell us that the daggers he bought were probably cursed . Zen took the daggers from Cade after that and the dragonborn said that we needed to go to the magic shop in town to know the identity of the curse . We did so and found ourselves in front of Griemshaw Trading Co . Now , Kalona did tell me that the last he knew , my brother was in town , but my first thought was when I saw that name was that it was a bit too similar to my family 's shop name , Grayson Trader Grove , but I didn 't dare ask anything of it because when we stepped in , he wasn 't there . There was a blonde , secretary - like lady and a bodyguard . We asked if they could identify the daggers and the blonde lady went into the back for a while to do so , and after a while , she returned to tell us that they were cursed . The previous owner was a greedy bastard and was banned from most cities and the daggers are okay to use as long as you don 't have them attuned to you for longer than three weeks . We thanked her and we ended up visiting another shop . This one was more general weapons , but I did ask the gentleman running it , a man by the name of Zasur , if he had seen my brother after showing him a picture of him , and he said he had but didn 't give me much information about him and was a jerk to me instead . You know all of those emotions I was feeling earlier ? Well , guess who was now pissed off . We went to other shops and , after a little bit of coin to get tongues loosened , I was able to find out of that my dear brother was the Fletchers ' business partner and that he changed his last name to Griemshaw . So original , brother . You only changed a few letters . We also found out that ships were being sunk out at sea and it was scaring the sailors and the Merchant 's Guild wanted some adventurers to go out and fix the problem . Eventually , I made my way back to Griemshaw Trading Co . and asked the blonde lady , her name is Vancha , if I could speak to my brother . Her response : " Maybe he doesn 't want to talk to you . " By that point , I was furious with every fucking merchant in that city and I wanted to rip out her throat . I was going to talk to my brother one way or another , no matter who or what stood in my way . We found Ireimeila again , giving her an ' update ' on her patient , before I asked her about my brother . She was about as helpful as every other person we talked to in that city , minus the barkeep , but explained to me that if I really wanted to talk to my brother , I needed to talk to Aren Wilso first , since he was the leader of the Merchant 's Guild . However , it would be nearly impossible to speak with him . At that point , my mantra became " fuck this city . " Not going to stop my pursuit , I asked Cade and Zen to come with me to the Merchant 's Guild inn , aptly named the Inn of Traders . I hung outside with Zen , who wanted to sneak in with Cade but was unable to , as he tried to find a way for me to talk with my brother . Vaga , I mean , Vancha arrived at the tavern and was the reason that Cade was able to slip in , but the wait was killing me . I was furious with the situation . I wanted to move on with my life and leave this fucking city and everyone in it as soon as possible but not without speaking to my brother for one time in four years . All I wanted to do was make sure he was alright and then I could be at peace with the fact that he 's allied with my enemy and to let father know that his son 's still alive . Eventually , Cade came out of the tavern and told me that he set up a meeting with my brother at the Serpent 's Den at noon . He told us that he said he was a representative of a trader from Vocans and she wanted to establish a trade route , but he himself was not from Vocans . Satisfied by the arrangement , we went back to the Tavern of Dragons for the night . At noon the next day , we arrived at the Serpent 's Den and found out that it was a brothel . An extremely handsome tiefling man seemed to run the place and I told him , in my best Vocans ' accent , that we were here for the meeting with Nikolas Griemshaw . That 's when I realized that the tiefling named Kisora was actually from Vocans as he spoke . After he told us what room he was in , I thanked him and told him , " Be pleased , " remembering that my father told me to say that if I was ever dealing with someone from Vocans . He seemed pretty impressed , repeating the phrase to me before we went into the room he told us my brother was in . Upon entering the room , two men were already there within it . One I didn 't recognize and the other had changed a bit since I last saw him . " Hello , Klara , " my brother said , his tone not enthusiastic to see me . He was taller now and more muscular , he 'd grown a beard and was wearing glasses , but other than that he looked much like he did when he left all those years ago . " Hello , Nikolas , " I replied , a bit irritated that the other man was here . There were a few , tense moments between us and I noticed that my companions were getting uncomfortable with the silence . I was just trying to think what to say . My brother and I didn 't leave on the best terms , and I could still see some of that resentment in his eyes as he looked at me . I told him that it was good to see him , to know that he 's alright , and I hoped that his business was doing well . He said that things were fine and that him and his wife , Vancha , were doing well . So the rude , blonde lady is my sister - in - law . Wonderful . I told him that I heard that he was business partners with the Fletchers now and I asked how that came to be . He explained to me that he ran from them for a while , but they eventually caught up with him and he made a deal with them . All he had to do was given them some blood , become their business partner , and then he was safe . Anger flared in my chest , knowing that he had sealed his fate and mine as well . I didn 't say anything , however , because I wasn 't going to let him see that the hate that was growing within me as I heard more about his situation . I told him that father would be pleased to know that he was alright , which caused my brother to come slightly unglued . He told me that he no longer had any love for our father because he was the reason that our mother was dead since he wasn 't there to protect her . I retorted , telling him that there was no way we could 've known that she was going to be murdered if we left . He then told me that it was our father 's fault that there was such a divide between the Fletchers and us , and I asked him if he remembered that we were the ones who did most of the damage . We were the ones actively trying to turn the town against them , we were the ones who started the fire , because our father wanted no part in it at first . I could see I was getting to him , I was making his angry , and I enjoyed it . I told him that , even though he doesn 't like father , that father would be proud of him because he 's doing what he wished for the both of us to do after he left . Start a business , move on with our lives , and not look back . My brother considered my words for a few , brief moments . Nikolas then explained to me that Waicox offered the house and the business to him , two months after our father left Frostford , but he declined . He wanted nothing to do with our property anymore . I told him that he should return soon , that mother would like to see him because her spirit is still tied to the house for the time being , but he refused . He said he didn 't care anymore . Up until that point , nothing he said really hurt me , but that did . For someone who hated so much due to our mother 's death , he should be ecstatic about the fact that he 'd have a chance to talk to her one more time . He wasn 't and that stung . Any bit of affection I used to have for my brother shattered in that instant and I realized that he wasn 't even worthy of my time anymore . However , he 's my brother and I still love him . With our personal matters out on the table , he did mention the fact that the Merchant 's Guild would like us to find whatever was sinking their ships . He explained that the merfolk and the guild had a treaty , but now they 're attacking and they want someone to go get to the bottom of it . I told him that we 'd consider the offer , but there 's business we must do first before we even consider the offer . That didn 't seem like an answer either one of the two men wanted to hear . Before our meeting was over , I went over to my brother , who was suspiciously eyeing me , and gave him a hug . It was probably the most awkward hug ever but again , he was still my brother even though he seemed to hate me . I whispered into his ear that I was glad he was alright and I hoped that in time , things between us wouldn 't be so strained and we could move past this . He stiffened slightly at my words before whispering , " You know the Fletchers will find you . " I couldn 't help but smile as the thought of Kalona and I flashed into my mind . " They already have , " I replied , smirking at my brother as I pulled out of the hug as confusion entered his eyes . With that , Cade , Zen , and I left the room and once we were gone , they said that my brother was a jerk . I tore off a small piece of the scroll my father gave to me and wrote a short note on it , saying that Nikolas is safe , he 's in Noragate , and this town is horrible . I thought of my father after I finished the message and the slip disappeared from my hands . With that done , a few shots of alcohol from Kisora 's bar , and some small talk with him , we left the city . Now , in my anger towards the Merchant 's Guild and the city of Noragate , we forgot our horses so we had to go back , losing a day of travel , but we eventually found the cave that Mr . Ward described to us . Upon entering the cave , there was a dragon 's skeleton wrapped around a pile of treasure . On top of the pile of treasure were four dragon eggs . Each was warm to the touch , so they still seemed to be alive and we each chose one egg for ourselves . I took the blue egg while Cade took the green and Zen kept the red . We decided to take the lilac egg with us , not knowing what do with it at the moment but we didn 't want to leave it . Satisfied with our winnings and our collection of the remaining dragon parts , we noticed as the glyphs that outline the entrance to the cave powered down , which freaked Cade and Zen out . I was alright with it , knowing that we walked in here without being harmed so we should be able to walk out . Mr . Ward also said that he made sure that no one would touch our winnings so I figured that 's what the glyphs were for . With that done , we made our way back to Noragate , discussing whether or not we should accept the deal with the Merchant 's Guild . I finally noticed that the bracelet Kalona gave me was missing and I asked Cade if he had it and he said he didn 't . That didn 't stop me from thinking that he took it though . Cade and Zen wanted to take the deal because they thought we could get a lot of money out of it , but I didn 't want to accept it due to how pissed off I was with all of them . However , I told them that since they wanted to accept it , I 'd go with them because they went with me to save the children even though they didn 't want to . Once back in the city , I went to my brother 's shop and found him working there . I told him that the business we had to do was done and we were accepting the guild 's offer . For once , my brother actually looked a little satisfied as he told me that we 'd need to come to the guild hall at six for a meeting before he gave me directions how to get there . I thanked him and left and we decided to go see Kisora . When we got there , however , he couldn 't stay long because he was called in for a guild meeting , but would see us there at six . With nothing else to do , we hung out there until it was time to go . Following my brother 's directions , we made our way to the Merchant 's Guild Hall , but quickly found out that my brother kindly forgot to tell us how to get in . After a while of trying and realizing that we 'd probably have to break our way in , Kisora came and let us in . I liked Kisora a lot before that moment , but now I was in love with him . Compared to all of the other guild members , he was genuinely a good man . He lead us to where the meeting was taking place and on the walls of this hall was the crests of the people who were members . The only reason I knew that was there was a slightly modified version of the Grayson family crest on the wall behind my brother . Sitting across from us was the man I saw with my brother when I spoke with him and he introduced himself as Aren Wilso . He thanked us for taking their offer and explained to us that we were to go five miles off of the coast to the reef where the ships have been sinking and investigate what 's happening there . We were each handed a ring of waterbreathing to use during our quest . I pressed him for more information , my companions staying silent . We barely knew what he wanted us to do and I wanted that to be out on the table for everyone in the room to hear . He explained to me that he wanted us to attempt to broker a deal with the merfolk or kill if needed . Mostly , he wants to know what 's attacking the ships because it seems like something is luring them closer to the reef since they find them either wrecked on it or dragged down below the water 's surface . Cade and Zen still didn 't talk , so I took it as an opportunity to continue on . I questioned Aren about a reward for our work , and he didn 't mention anything about one , so I pressed him on it , saying that we do require compensation for our time . He avoided an answer , which irritated me , and I asked him about the deal they had with the merfolk . He said that before this happened , their relationship with the merfolk was good , but it is about the time for them to broker a new treaty with them . He told me that if the treaty is broken , he wants to know why , and if it 's something we think they can fix , we 'd broker a deal with them . If it can 't be fixed , kill them all . " So you 're asking us to commit genocide , " I stated firmly , my rage swelling up within my chest . I glared at him from across the room , waiting for his response . He told me that if it came down it it , then yes , he was . In that moment , I hated everyone in that guild hall and I was questioning why I was ever here talking to them , especially if these merfolk were innocent in this . He finally mentioned that our reward could be potentially more than just money , depending on how well we did , especially if we kept the treaty alive . Studying me , he asked if we had a deal and I looked to Cade and Zen . They were the ones who wanted to do this , but they looked troubled as I gazed at them . Returning my attention to Wilso , I told him that we had a deal . He wrote us a charter for a ship but we were to go to the docks and pick the ship and the crew we wanted . I took the document and put it in my bag before I walked down the table , passing by a few of the guild members , and standing by Wilso , looking down at him . I offered him my hand , and he took it and firmly shook my hand . I told him we 'd return as soon as possible . I felt the weight of the guild members gazes and I walked back towards my friends but I didn 't care . I was upset with the situation we just put ourselves in and all of those people in that room , minus Kisora , had been rude to us . They were full of themselves and they could stand to be knocked down a few pegs . I knew their type , I knew what you had to do to survive in a business setting like that , and I wasn 't going to let them push me around . I wasn 't their bitch to control . Furious but close to tears , we made our way to Kisora 's brothel to discuss what just happened . He wasn 't back yet but we made ourselves comfortable and I sat with my head on the bar in front of me . I felt like shit , and the bartender working there automatically poured me a shot . I took it , not even thinking about it , and set my head back on the bar as Cade rubbed my back . I asked them if they still wanted to do this , and they said that they did . I also asked if they thought I was too forceful with the guild . They didn 't answer . Soon , Kisora arrived and took over the bartender 's job , pouring both Cade and I another shot . He told us that they were expecting that to go a little differently . I told him that I felt horrible and I wasn 't going to let them force our hand , my voice a bit muffled with my head still on the bar . He did admit that some of the members didn 't like me . I told him that the guild can go fuck themselves , but not him because he 's nice . Cade and Zen talked with him for a while , asking what he knew about the situation as I finally raised my head . The tears stung my eyes as I fought them back . He explained that what he knew about the situation was already discussed with us , and they asked him if he agreed with what Wilso wanted . He admitted that he didn 't want to see the merfolk killed either . With tears in my eyes , I asked him what we should do so it wouldn 't come to that . His answer was to not let it get to that point . At his words , I started crying and explaining to them that I was done with this city and everyone in it . Nothing was working out the way I thought it would , we couldn 't save those children , Kalona left too soon , I can 't find the bracelet he gave me , my brother 's a dick , the guild is made of a bunch of jerks , and now we have to possibly go murder a bunch of merfolk for no apparent reason . " Klara , you need to relax , " Kisora told me , his accent thick in his voice . " What do you think I 'm trying to do ? Alcohol hasn 't been helping so far , " I explained to him . He told me that he had just the thing for me , that it knocked out people from Vocans in just one shot , so it would help me relax . The shot he poured was thick and extremely yellow but I didn 't care . I took it in one swallow . It burned horribly and tasted disgusting but once it faded , a numbness started in my mouth and worked its way throughout my entire body . Oh , it felt so nice until I tried to speak . Zen asked Kisora what he gave me , and was giving to Cade while she spoke and he explained that it was sandkeg venom . She was appalled that he gave us vemon and he had to explain to her the properties of the liquor . I really didn 't care because for the first time in two and a half weeks , I wasn 't so tense . I caught bits and pieces of Zen 's conversation with him and jumped in from time to time . He was describing Vocans to us and telling us about the Assassin 's Guild there . He mentioned that the two nicest assassins to come out of that guild was Jack and another man named Reylar Ventoris . He spoke for a while , explaining to us that not all of the assassins are as nice as them , and at his mention of Slither , I told him that he killed my mother . He told me that he was sorry to hear that and continued to tell us about Vocans . It was nice to just listen to him speak . After a while , I asked him if he had any recommendations about who to charter and he told us it depended on where we wanted to go . If we were going to Vocans , he recommended Captain Jorly , but if we were doing anything with the Sea of Storms , like we were , he said we needed Captain Jerron . He explained to us that the Sea of Storms is dangerous and most captains who sail it refuse to go to Croak , but Jerron is crazy enough to do so . After a little while more of talking , it was getting late and we decided to call it quits for the night . However , I didn 't leave because after Cade and Zen left , I asked Kisora if he 'd been willing to help me relax a little more . He considered my offer for a while , before shrugging and telling me why not , and we went into one of the back rooms . Even with the venom still in my system , I wasn 't okay . I was hurting and I needed a distraction from it all and he was extremely attractive . I didn 't know what I was doing though but I also didn 't care . He lead me to the bed and had me sit down on the edge of it as I touched his face , causing him a gentle smile to form on his lips . He moved closer to me , as if to kiss me , but his lips never met mine and he began to wrap a blanket around my shoulders . He pulled away , taking my hands in his as he looked me in the eye . " You need to rest , " he insisted and the tears started welling up once more . " I don 't think I 'll be able to , " I replied as I felt the tears begin to fall . He wrapped the blanket tighter around me as he helped me lay down on the bed before laying down beside me . He wiped my tears from my eyes and asked me to tell him what happened . I explained to him what happened with the missing children , how we weren 't able to save them , and how we failed to keep our promise to one of the boy 's mothers . I then told him about Kalona leaving and , even though I knew we would both have to leave sometime , it hurt to see him gone so soon when I needed his comfort the most . Then , I told him about the troubles we had here in Noragate all because I just wanted to talk to my brother for the first time in four years and make sure he was alright . There was also the whole thing with the guild that happened that night that I wasn 't comfortable with and I 'm so tired of this town , the guild , and my brother . I admitted that to him that I was jealous of my brother because he has everything I wanted when I was younger . A prosperous business , a spouse , a life we both always dreamed of living . When I heard that he was actually here in the city , all I wanted when I saw him was to make sure he was alright . I didn 't expect to receive such a cold welcome . Kisora held me close while I told him this , gently rubbing my back as I choked on my words and my tears . He didn 't say anything and just allowed me to talk . Eventually , I ran out of things to say and when that happened , my tears eventually slowed . Once they stopped , he told me that he had to go take care of some things , but he 'd be back soon . I pulled the blanket around myself tighter , gazing up at the ceiling . I knew Cade and Zen were probably thinking that I was doing something else with him , but at the moment , I wouldn 't even consider it like I did before . A part of me was embarrassed for breaking down in front of him like this . He saw me driven by anger and fury , full of fire , as I talked to the guild and spoke with people around the town , but he also witnessed how fragile I was , how delicate the facade I put up for the city was . He saw me when I was trying to prove that I was at my best , even though I was truly at my worst . I was focused on calming my ragged breaths when he came back into the room with a cup in his hands . He handed it to me , it was warm to the touch , as he told me that it was warm milk and honey and it should help me feel a little better . I thanked him for it , looking at the cup in my hands for a while before finally taking a sip . I apologized to him for the way I was acting and he told me that it wasn 't a problem . He told me that , " Everyone has their breaking point , Klara . It 's not something you need to apologize for . " I nodded , thanking him once more , before he left the room again . I took some time to finished the drink he gave me , making sure that the honey was well mixed into the milk , as I considered his words . Why was did his kindness seem so familiar to me ? He was a stranger , but it felt like I was around an old friend when I was with him . It was something unexpected for this city and I felt like I could trust him . I didn 't know why I felt so strongly about him . The next morning , I woke to find that the cup from the night before was gone and Kisora had left a couple pastries and a few pieces of fruit on the nightstand next to me and there was a couple more blankets on my bed . His kindness almost brought me to tears again . I ate one of each with some of the water I had before I started to gather my things . There was a knock at the door and I opened it to see him standing there . He asked me if everything was alright and I told him it was , but I should probably be going soon . I thanked him for his hospitality and for everything he did for me last night and that if there was ever anything I could do to repay him , all he needed to do was let me know . He said he 'd remember that and he wished me luck on our journey ahead . I gave him a quick hug goodbye , thanking him one final time , before I left to make my way back to the Tavern of Dragons to find Cade and Zen . Once back with them , we made our way to the docks in hopes to find the captain that Kisora recommended to us . It was a bustling place with a lot of people coming in and out of ships and we eventually found one of Captain Jerron 's crew members . He called to his captain and we were introduced to him . Captain Jerron was a young man , his hair closely shaved , and he wasn 't the happiest when I showed him the charter from the Merchant 's Guild . I told him that Kisora recommended us to him , and his demeanor changed , admitting to us that he didn 't exactly like the Merchant 's Guild . I told him that we don 't really like them either but agreed to do this task for them . With a nod , he said that they needed to bring supplies on board , but they 'd be ready to take us out to sea within an hour . We soon figured out which ones in our group had experience out at sea and which of us didn 't . Zen was perfectly fine with the rough , choppy waters , even as a storm started to pick up , but Cade was struggling with it . I was alright but a little nervous . I 'd been out at sea a couple times on the Sea of Sorrows with Levi 's crews . This sea was much rougher than the one back home . Jerron , noticing our levels of experience asked Zen and I about which seas we 'd been on while Cade was tying himself to one of the masts . Zen said that she traveled the Sea of Storms to get from Readmont to Araluen , so she was fairly familiar with the choppiness of it . I told him that I 'd traveled on the Sea of Sorrows a few times and he told me that this sea was a whole different beast . I could already tell . Zen did ask why the Sea of Sorrows was named that way and Jerron explained it was because it results in the death of a lot of sailors . There was a lot of death associated with that area in general . Cade , finally brave enough to make his way up to where we were with Jerron , got to hear the story Jerron told us about Croak , saying that most people don 't go there because of the dangerous waters but there is a temple to the Raven Queen located on the island . Kisora also mentioned something about the Raven Queen to us as well . Jerron also told us the story about Barovia and Strahd since none of us knew it . He then went on telling us more about the sea , telling us that most people are chickens for fearing it so much . He also mentioned to us what he knew about the situation and the dangers we 'd face soon after we asked him about the merfolk . He had heard that the sea elves brokered deals between merfolk and humanoids and it was spawning season for the merfolk , so he didn 't understand why they would be attacking . We told him about the sinking ships and he said that it sounded more like merrow to him than the merfolk . None of us had heard of merrow before , so he told us that they were merfolk once , but they swam too deep into the ocean and made their way into the Abyss , where they were corrupted . Once they returned , they were evil compared to the more gentle merfolk and have been know to sink ships like we described to him . He told us that if we were dealing with merrows , we needed to be careful . Around this time , Cade came up to me and put the bracelet Kalona gave to me back on my wrist . I shot him a dirty look and he said that he had found it and didn 't steal it from me . I wasn 't really convinced . Jerron called out for his crew to set the anchor and lead us to the bow of the ship , asking us if we could see the reef ahead of us . " No , " the three of us said sarcastically , not even attempting to look at where he was pointing . However , we were all able to see the reef and the half - sunken ship ahead of us . He told us that here was where we were getting off and that he 'd wait for two days until they had to go back to port to get more supplies . They 'd come back out after that and wait for us if needed . I asked if they had a dinghy for us to use , and they said they didn 't so we better watch where we jumped . Zen cast a waterbreathing spell on the dire wolves and her leopard and dove in gracefully , followed by her cat . I stood there at the edge of the ship for a while , looking down at the water below while Cade jumped off as he attempted to get Dogmeat to do the same . Beacon followed in after Dogmeat and I looked back that the captain , nodded , and told him that we 'd see them again soon . Every fiber of my being told me to stay on that ship , because I knew the waters below meant death for us . However , there was no turning back now . With a sigh , I did the unthinkable and hopped off the edge of the ship , trying to keep my arms down and feet together as I hit the water . Everything went quiet for a few moments as I began to swim towards the surface , trying not to acknowledge the murky depths below me . Once I emerged , Cade and Zen started swimming towards the sunken ship . I hung on to Beacon since it had been a while for the both of us since we had a proper swim and I didn 't want him to get left behind . Cade and I lost sight of Zen for a while as the dogs and her leopard got to a place where they could stand and Cade and I thought it would be a good time to attempt to try waterbreathing . Today was just filled to the brim with things I thought were unthinkable because Cade and I were literally trying to drown ourselves . I couldn 't bring myself to do it , even when Cade pulled me under and tried to get me to take a breath . He managed to do it way before I did and was trying to convince me it was okay . At one point , he had my head cupped in between his hands as I was panicking , telling him that I just couldn 't do it . He told me that it feels extremely weird but it 's the only way we were going to survive out here . He pulled me under once more , punched me in the gut , which made me inhale some water as I panicked . The water replaced the air in my lungs and I could breathe , but it felt extremely wrong . He smiled at me as I took a few long breaths , attempting to calm down . I had to keep telling myself that I was okay . Eventually , Zen joined us again and asked what we were doing after telling us that the part of the ship she explored was empty . We told her that we were trying to drown ourselves so we could get used to the waterbreathing thing and we were now attempting to get our animals into the water . She began to speak with them , and her leopard was the first one to take to the water . Dogmeat and Beacon were more of a challenge . They soon realized that they could breathe underwater however and we made our way down to find another ship . Zen was speaking to the fishes and they told her where to go and eventually we found ourselves inside a ship with a skeleton crew , much older than the last ship . Cade went up to what looked to be the captain , who was sitting near a pile of loot before he was attacked . It was awkward fighting underwater , but we managed well enough and eventually the skeleton crew was defeated . We collected what loot we could before we exited the ship and went deeper . Everything was dark and cold . I couldn 't make out much of what was ahead of me and kept following the light from Cade 's drift globe as we continued to descend . After a while , we couldn 't see the reef anymore . It was here where we needed to decide whether we kept swimming down or went back up . The obvious choice was to go back but there was a temptation to keep going deeper . Jerron said that things would eventually swim so deep that they would cross over into the Abyss and Kalona did say that he spent four years there with his uncle . It was a crazy thought , I know that now , but at the time it felt like the Abyss was so close and so were the potential answers to my questions . However , as my friends began to backtrack , I did too , not wanting to lose myself in the darkness . This time , we kept a lookout for another ship and eventually we saw one . There was pile of treasure sitting in it 's hull , however , we all noticed that we weren 't alone . It looked like the flash of scales from a fish , but a big fish at that . It was then when Cade was pulled backwards out of the ship , me being dragged along with him because I had tied myself to him as we both discovered what we thought were merrow . They attacked , but they were no match for us . Cade took a lot of damage and went unconscious for a while , but the battle was over soon after that . Zen joined us as I got Cade conscious again and told us that she killed three of them . I don 't think the merrows thought we were going to be that tough of a fight . We spent some time gathering what we could , when something else caught our eye . It was a male merfolk , who seemed to have been watching as we killed the merrow . He offered to take us to their home in the reef so we could rest after the fight because there was more merrows that we 'd have to deal with . We agreed and a few other merfolk joined us as we followed them there . Eventually , we found ourselves in a cave and to our delight , there was actually land and air within it . Cade and I crawled onto the sand , hacking the water out of our lungs and I remember myself collapsing onto the beach . In that moment , I was thankful just to be on dry land again . I knew that my body would be aching in the morning from all the swimming for for the moment , I was going to enjoy just laying there . It had been such a strange adventure already and I had a feeling it was going to get weirder from here .

Summary : Written for Reel Torchwood , the story is based on the movie " Laura . " Ianto Jones is found dead and Det . Jack Harkness is assigned to the case . During the investigation Jack finds himself falling in love with the victim . But is he really dead ? Ch . 1 - Ianto JonesIt was ten thirty on Friday night when Det . Jack Harkness got called in to investigate the murder of Ianto Jones . Jack sighed . Normally he tried to stay away from high profile cases . They always tended to attract unwanted attention from the news . Ever since he 'd broken the Starling case and become a " hero " , however , he 'd been asked to take this kind of case more and more . Thinking of the Starling case made Jack grimace . He hated that case and its brutality , and the injury that he 'd suffered to his leg continued to bother himEspecially when it was raining . So of course , it was raining that Friday night . * * * * * * * * When he got to Ianto 's apartment he found it crowded with people . The CSU was going over the room gathering evidence , and the body remained as it had been found by one of the neighbors . Jesus , thought Jack . No wonder the neighbor was hysterical when he called 911 . His face is completely blown apart ! Aloud he asked for information about the murder , even though he could see it was a gunshot . The CSU people went over it with him and Jack went to the apartment of the man who made the emergency call . The man was in shock and could not even answer the door himself . A police officer let him in . Jack nodded hello to the woman , and went into the kitchen where the man was attempting to drink some tea . " Sir , I 'm Detective Jack Harkness . I understand that you made the 911 call ? " The man was wrapped up in a blanket and was still shivering . He nodded yes . " What exactly did you hear , and more importantly , see ? " " Well , I didn 't see anything really . I just heard a door open and close , and then a door opened again , and then a loud shot rang out . I went out into the hall purely by instinct . If I had thought about it I wouldn 't have rushed out there . But I did , and that 's when I saw - him , " he shut his eyes at the memory of finding Ianto 's body . " He was just lying there , and there was all this blood , and it was everywhere ! I couldn 't stop screaming ! " " It 's ok , Mr . - " , Jack realiz " It sounded like it came from the stairwell , but I can 't be certain where they went to . I do know that whoever it was didn 't go out the front of the building . At least not then or I would 've heard them . " Jack thought about it for a moment . It was more than likely that the killer had heard the sound of the door being opened and gone to hide in the stairwell until he was sure Mr . Joseph wasn 't going to be coming back out . He called for some officers to search the building . He doubted the shooter was still there , but you never knew what clues you could pick up that might have been left behind . * * * The search of the building yielded nothing , and none of the neighbors had heard any arguing or noise before the shot was fired . Jack wondered why the shooter wouldn 't have had a silencer on the gun . Perhaps this was an unpremeditated crime - a crime of passion . Jack looked up at the painting of Ianto that dominated the room . There certainly was a lot about the man to warrant a crime of passion . He had incredible eyes , for one . Beautiful , blue with a touch of gray . Warm , inviting , expressive eyes . He appeared to be looking at whoever painted the picture with a combination of desire and affection . Jack made a mental note to speak to whoever painted it . He continued to gaze at the painting . Ianto had one of those faces that you couldn 't forget . High cheekbones , full lips that seemed to be pouting in a flirtatious way even when he was smiling . He had the appearance of someone who knows something you don 't and is teasing you with the knowledge . Jack realized with a start that the secret Ianto was keeping out of reach was himself . He filed that information away for later also . Jack knew a bit about Ianto Jones . The youngest man in NY to go from being a low level advertising executive to owning his own agency within the space of a few years . " IJ Ltd . , " was the agency celebrities of all kinds went to in order to promote their product lines , and all the big named designers vied for his attention . From what Jack had read , the key tChapter 2 : The Interrogations Begin - Suspect : John Hart * * * * As Jack had feared , it had ended up being a long night . He and his team had spent hours looking into everything they could find about Ianto and his associates and friends , He 'd spent most of the morning going over financial statements , and looking over records of the professional and personal life of Mr . Jones . * * * * * It was early afternoon when Jack went to the apartment of John Hart , Ianto 's closest friend and mentor . Hart had given Ianto the publicity he needed when he first started in the business . John was an influential arts and entertainment writer for the NY Times and in the last few years had gotten his own show on a major network . Up and coming as well as established artists and media people from all areas competed to get a mention from him . It was said that an endorsement from him was like having Oprah Winfrey promote one of your books . He was a very powerful man to have on your side . And he 'd taken a liking to Ianto . He and Ianto were constantly seen together and attended many openings and events together . Jack had the feeling that Hart wanted more from Ianto than friendship , and wondered if he and Ianto had been lovers . Jack pondered these things as he waited in the living room for Hart to emerge from the bathtub . He smiled . Jack knew this trick . It was a common one in suspects , especially arrogant ones like John . They wanted you to feel like they were the ones in control , not you . Jack usually let them do it . It lowered their defenses and made it easier for him to catch them in lies . After a while , however , Jack started to get a little annoyed and decided to do a little controlling of his own . Hart had many expensive and rare artifacts all over the living room , including a clock that was quite ornate and beautiful . On the shelves were glass objects . He picked one up , loudly . Sure enough a voice was soon heard from the bathroom . " Could you be careful with those , Detective ? I realize you probably never see anything as beautiful as the artifacts in my home , so you may not realize how extremeChapter 3 : More Interrogations - The Unusual Suspects Gwen Cooper and Owen Harper * * * * The first place Jack went to was the home of Gwen Cooper , Ianto 's cousin . " Detective Harkness ? I wasn 't expecting you so soon , " she said . She paused when she saw John and sniffed . " What 's HE doing here ? " " Is that any way to talk to your cousin 's best friend ? " John asked , trying and failing to look guileless . Gwen glared at him . " Best friend ! We all know that friendship was not what you really wanted from Ianto . You 're pathetic ! " John fixed cold blue eyes on her . " You have no idea what Ianto and I were to each other . Besides , I wouldn 't call anyone else pathetic , Gwen dear . What about you ? Trying so unsubtly to take Owen away from Ianto . What a joke ! " Jack put his hands up . " That 's enough . From both of you . Ms . Cooper I 'll have to ask you to focus on my questions and leave any personal problems you might have with Mr . Hart for another day . " He turned and looked pointedly at Hart . " And if you don 't stop I 'm going to have to ask you to leave . " John looked affronted but said nothing . " Fine . Let 's start then . Were you fond of your cousin , Ms . Cooper ? " Jack asked . " Yes , of course I was . We were very close , " her eyes teared up as she said this . " What about your relationship with his partner , Mr . Owen Harper ? " " Oh , don 't listen to this one , " she waved her hand at John . " I 'm not . I 'm asking you what your relationship with Mr . Harper was . Are you friends ? Are you lovers ? Are you in love with him ? " " Detective ! " Gwen was shocked . " Why would you ask that ? " Under his breath John muttered , " Why ? Why indeed . " " For one thing , it seems like you 've been loaning him a lot of money in the last two months . " " Well , wh - what of it ? " Gwen stammered . " It is my money , isn 't it ? " " Of course . I 'm just asking what kind of relationship you had with Mr . Harper that would cause you to take out , " Jack paused to look at his notes , " sums of thirteen hundred , seventeen hundred , and two thousand dollars for hiChapter 4 : The Apartment * * * At five o ' clock Jack met Owen and John at Ianto 's apartment . Jack had a few reasons for wanting to meet there . The uppermost reason was that he wanted to see their faces when they entered the apartment where the murder took place . It would 've been their first time being there since the murder and he was hoping to get their visceral reactions to the crime scene . Neither man wanted to enter the apartment when Jack opened the door . He immediately began to go over what had happened with them . " The doorbell rang and he opened it . The shot was fired and he staggered further back into the apartment and fell - here , " Jack indicated the spot on the floor where Ianto 's body had fallen . Both Owen and John entered very slowly , staring at the spot on the floor . " Detective , please put the lights on ! " Owen pleaded . Jack walked over and turned on a lamp . " I guess I might as well try and find the key , " Owen said . " I 'll start with the office . " He walked away , leaving Jack and John in the living room . Jack looked at the room with appreciation . He hadn 't really been able to notice any details while the CSU was there checking for evidence . It was a very understated room which managed to be both elegant and cozy . Like John Hart Ianto had a number of exotic artifacts - and the same clock that adorned Hart 's apartment . Somehow , however , in Ianto 's apartment they seemed to enhance the warmth of the room rather than make it seem more impersonal . Jack liked it . " Detective , " Hart interrupted Jack 's observations . " Why did they have to use that horrible photograph on the front page ? Showing his face blown off like that ? " John demanded , angrily . " That 's the press for you . I doubt that it really matters to Ianto , do you ? " Jack shrugged , although it had annoyed him , too . " That 's pretty cold , Detective . Ianto didn 't deserve that , " John looked at the portrait . " Look at that face . Ianto wasn 't just anybody , you know . " Jack looked at the portrait again . He couldn 't shake the feeling that Ianto was lookiChapter 5 : John Hart and Ianto Jones * * * * The restaurant was a cozy , intimate place . It was dimly lighted and the tables had candles on them . A piano player was playing a melancholy tune , and John grimaced when they sat down in the booth . " That was one of Ianto 's favorite songs , " he said . Jack listened for a moment . It had a beautiful , haunting quality to it . " I like it . It is kind of sad , though . " The music continued , and Jack realized he 'd better let John order a drink before he got too melancholy . John signaled for the waiter and ordered a cognac for himself . " Detective ? Still on duty ? " Jack shook his head . " No , not as of this moment . " He looked at the waiter and said , " I 'll have a scotch , please . " The waiter nodded and walked away . " This was mine and Ianto 's favorite place to come for dinner , " John said . " We used to celebrate all kinds of holidays and milestones here . And we used to come here just to unwind from the pressures of the day . " He smiled . " It was where I first met Ianto . If you had told me at that time , however , that I 'd become his mentor and his closest friend I would have laughed at you . " " Why ? " Jack asked . " What happened ? " " Ianto came and approached me about an endorsement for a campaign he was working on . I 'd never met him before and here he was interrupting my lunch ! I was very annoyed . " * * * * * * " Mr . Hart ? " I looked up to find the most beautiful eyes staring at me imploringly . I was intrigued until he said : " I hope you won 't think this is too forward of me , but I was wondering if you would take a look at this ad I came up with . I was hoping you would endorse the product . " He didn 't even have the good sense to look nervous when I fixed him with my most nasty stare . " I know what it is ! " I shook my head . " You think that the rules of conduct don 't apply to you because you are handsome , or because you are a young man . Or possibly both . " " Mr . Jones ! Do you honestly think that your career advancement is more important than my lunch ? Because I can assure you , it 's not . " " Well then I feel sorry for you , " Ianto replied . " You must be a very lonely man . " Then he packed up his portfolio case and left . " I hated that he hit home with that last line . But that was the way Ianto was . He always got right to the heart of the matter . He could see right through me , through everybody - except , it seemed , Owen . I think with Owen it was more that he wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt . People never do that for Owen , and Ianto had a thing for people he saw as underdogs . But to get back to our first meeting . Ianto was right . I WAS a very lonely man . I usually preferred it , because I don 't like most people . Still , I was lonely for companionship , love , a sexual connection that was more than just a casual thing . I realized that I wanted to see Ianto again . I wanted to apologize , wanted to make things right . I actually wanted someone 's good opinion of me . So I went to his office and apologized . " Ianto was busy working on his ad when he looked up and saw me . " That 's not a gentleman , Becca . You 've been misinformed . " I walked over to him and stuck out my hand . " Mr . Jones , I 'm very sorry for being so rude to you this afternoon . I - would be happy to endorse your ad " Ianto laughed . " You don 't have to do that , Mr . Hart . I already told you I accept your apology " He looked at me and said : " I 'm also sorry for the things I said to you . " * * * * John snapped out of his reverie and looked at Jack . " Does that sound pathetic ? " Jack shook his head , " No , it happens to people like that sometimes . " " But not to you , Detective ? " Jack smiled . " We weren 't talking about me , were we ? So what happened after that first evening ? " " I became Ianto 's mentor , as you know . I gave him a great deal of publicity , got him introduced to potential clients , brought him to functions where he could network , meet the right people . But all I really had to do was open the door for him . Once that was done , he won the clients and the important people over with his brilliance and charm . He had a natural magnetism , and wherever we went he 'd command the attention of everyone in the room . It didn 't hurt that he was a very beautiful man . " " No , I 'm sure it didn 't , " Jack agreed . " Didn 't you feel resentful , though ? You did all these things for him and then he fell in love with Harold Saxon . I 'd be angry . " " Yes , well , we weren 't talking about you , remember ? " John smiled . " I knew from the beginning that Ianto saw me as a mentor and as a friend , and he was a very good friend . I even thought he felt something more for me but was afraid of ruining our friendship by giving me what I made very obvious that I wanted . No , I wasn 't angry at Ianto , Detective . I did feel Saxon wasn 't worthy of him , and he proved that . There were others , of course . But Ianto 's discriminating nature kept most of them away . Those few that attempted something more than a casual relationship with him ( and there were surprisingly few that Ianto even had casual relationships with . He was a romantic at heart , you see . He really was looking for love . ) I managed to get rid of . No , not kill , Detective ! " he added , as he saw Jack 's eyes widen . " I mean , I would expose them for the frauds they were and Ianto would do the rest . " " Didn 't that anger Ianto ? That you would interfere like that ? " Jack asked . " Well , he usually didn 't know it was me . When he did find out , yes , " You mean , like you , John ? That 's the real reason behind this investigation , isn 't it ? " Ianto asked . " You don 't want Owen or anyone else to have me ? " " I didn 't say that . It doesn 't mean that it 's true , though . Many people don 't like Owen because he doesn 't always play by the rules , and he 's a bit of a player . They 'd be happy to spread slander about him . " " Am I ? " Ianto asked . " Don 't you always tell me how you 've changed ? How much better a man you are for knowing me ? Are you lying ? Am I being naïve , John ? " " No . But in Owen 's case I don 't think he 's changed . I think he 's still a leech , still a player and still a nasty piece of work . He will break that beautiful heart . " * * * John took a sip of his drink . " Well , it turned out that I was right . Ianto had hired a model , the one you were asking about . Mark Johnson . Mr . Johnson and Owen became very friendly , as Owen was in charge of the campaign that Mr . Johnson was the model for . Soon there were rumors of flirting , lunches , etc . I did a little detecting and found that Owen had given Mark this sterling silver keychain that Ianto had given him as a gift , " he paused . " I found out when Mr . Johnson brought it to a pawn shop . I bought it and showed it to Ianto . We went together to confront Owen . " Jack looked stunned . " Why didn 't you mention this before ? " John looked puzzled . " Well , I did say that Ianto was having second thoughts about the commitment ceremony , " he said . " But you didn 't go into detail about the reason why ! " Jack was annoyed . These people with their secrets and their games . They just made his job much more difficult . " So Ianto accused Owen of being unfaithful and what happened next ? What did he say ? " " He denied it , of course , the fool . You should 've seen his face when Ianto produced the keychain . " John smiled maliciously at the memory . " It was a perfect moment . Then he stormed out of there , leaving Owen a very unhappy man . , " he paused . " That was a week and a half ago . Then yesterday Ianto called to cancel our dinner , and as I said , he told me he was going to the country to think things over . I knew Owen had been calling and I figured he had tried talking Ianto into giving him another chance . Still , I was kind of surprised . I thought he had already made up his mind . I thought his pride would 've kept him from listening to anything that fool said . I thought - " " What ? That he 'd finally listen to you ? I asked you earlier if you 'd hoped that Ianto would realize you two belonged together , and you said you did , " Jack leaned back in his chair and observed John . " I don 't think you 've been totally honest with me , " he said . " I think that you and Ianto became lovers . When did it happeIanto struggled with the key to the apartment , his hands shaking from anger . Finally I took the key from him and opened the door myself . As soon as we were inside he started throwing things around . Ianto had always been a passionate person , but I 'd never seen him explode with anger like that . " You were right , John ! That son of a bitch was using me ! He never changed , he never loved me , " he paused and sank down into a chair . " He never loved me . " He looked so broken that I went to him and knelt in front of him . " You know it 's his loss , right ? I know that may sound trite , and I 'm sorry . I - don 't have many skills in comforting people . That 's more your forte . But I do mean it . He was lucky you found him , and he was beyond lucky to have you love him . If he wants to throw that all away for some casual fuck , that shows how unworthy he was of you , how stupid he is , and how incapable of love . Because , Ianto if he couldn 't love you , then he can 't love anybody . " " You are the only one who 's never disappointed me " , he said . He was crying , and I remember brushing the tears away , thinking what a waste it was for him to cry about Owen . He picked up my hands and gently kissed my palms . " Thank you , " he said . I 'd never kissed him like that before . We 'd kissed hello and goodbye , that sort of thing . We never had any sort of romantic or sexual kiss before , though . And this was definitely romantic , and sexual . There was so much passion in that kiss that before it was even over we knew we were going to do it again . And again . Soon , we found our way into his bedroom , and well , you know what happened after that . We made love all night . When I say all night , Detective , I do mean all night . Ianto was extremely sensual and very - earthy . It was one of the anomalies about him . It confused people . This very elegant , seemingly quiet man would put out the most sexually frank campaigns , and talked openly about his sex life . He was like that in private , too . Quiet , polite , elegant , but with a very filthy mind . Filthy in a good way , of course . Very imaginative , and totally insatiable . And for a little while , it was all for me . " Jack took a huge gulp of the ice water on the table . He hoped his face wasn 't as flushed as he feared it was . He also had a very uncomfortable tightening in his pants , which was unsuitable for listening to a suspect . But - damn , this was no ordinary story . Jack 's mind immediately went to the visual and he had all these images of what happened between Jack and John . Remembering the painting in Saxon 's apartment , his thoughts had an added realism to them . Fuck , he was becoming sexually attracted to the murder victim . Next he 'd be seeing the police psychiatrist . He forced himself to calm down and said , " Mr . Hart . Mr . Hart , please focus ! Now , you said that this was yours for a little while . How long did it last ? " " Just a little over a week , unfortunately . He told me that he thought what we were doing was a mistake . He said he didn 't want to ruin our friendship and that if we got involved now we would end up destroying it . He was very confused , Detective . That 's what he said . Owen had been calling constantly , and yesterday , when he said that he 'd spoken to him I got the feeling that his going away to " think things over " was his way of saying he 'd chosen Owen . " " It doesn 't sound like that to me , " Jack said . " Well , I know Ianto and like I said , he was always too romantic for his own good . " " Why do you think Owen wanted Ianto back so much ? I mean , if you don 't think he was in love with him ? Why bother ? " " Well , he could 've been afraid he 'd lose his job . He could 've been afraid he 'd lose his income . He was getting money from Gwen , but maybe he figured Ianto had more ? Or , maybe he was just acting like an asshole because he didn 't think he 'd get caught , or that Ianto would leave if he was caught . Then when Ianto did leave he remembered how much better his life , and his bed , were when Ianto was in it . " Jack felt that flush start again and said , " Thank you for the info , Mr . Hart . And the scotch . " John nodded . " You 're welcome . I hope you find Ianto 's killer and punish whoevChapter 6 : Owen Harper and Ianto Jones * * Jack went back to Ianto 's apartment and called Owen Harper . " Mr . Harper , I need to see you right away . I 'm at Mr . Jones ' apartment . " " Detective , do we have to do this tonight ? " Owen whined . " Well , if you prefer we could meet at the precinct . I just thought you 'd be more comfortable here . " " Oh , ok , I 'll be right over , " Owen hurriedly said . " I thought you 'd agree , " Jack smirked . " I 'll see you in twenty minutes . " * * * * " What 's this about , Detective Harkness ? " Owen asked when Jack answered the door . " I told you everything I know . Oh , let me guess . That snake was filling your head with all kinds of nonsense about me , right ? " " Mr . Harper , the reason you are here is because you didn 't tell me the whole story about you and Mr . Jones . In fact , I 'd say you lied to me . When you leave things out or lie to the police once , we 're more likely to think you 've lied about other things . " Jack paused to let that sink in . " So , I think we 'd better talk about yours and Ianto 's engagement and what really was going on between you . " Owen sighed . " I suppose it 's no use trying to hide it . Yes , as I 'm sure Mr . Hart told you ( that snake ) Ianto and I had a falling out over the model , Mark Johnson . " " It was a little more than a " falling out , " Mr . Harper , " Jack replied , coolly . " Mr . Jones broke off your engagement and wouldn 't have anything to do with you . You had to come crawling back and beg forgiveness before he 'd let you believe you even had a chance . " " That 's not true ! " Owen said , indignantly . " I told him that Mark meant nothing to me . He said he had lunch with Mark and believed me . " " Something else you forgot to inform me about , Mr . Harper , " Jack rubbed his temples . His headache was back . " So what happened after Mr . Jones met with Mr . Johnson ? " " He said that he was going to the country to think things over . He said he still loved me , but that he was confused about a lot of things . " " Did you ask him what he was confused about ? " " Well , no . I just assu * * * * * * * * * " We were supposed to stay at home that evening . I surprised him by saying I wanted to take him to Anton 's , a restaurant we both loved . I told him I wanted to celebrate the success of the campaign that we 'd been working on . I asked him to dance . I had instructed the waiter to bring a bottle of fine champagne to our table while we danced . " What are you doing tomorrow night ? Would you like to have dinner with me ? " " Alright , " Ianto said . " What about the next night , and the night after that ? " I pulled him tightly to me and said , " I 'm asking you to marry me , or at least the closest thing to marriage we can have in this state . Will you ? " He looked at me and I could see that was the last thing he expected me to say . I was worried and started babbling . " Forget it . Bad idea . Stupid idea . I 'm sorry - " He put his finger to my lips and said , " Shh . The answer is yes ! " I was stunned but then I let out a yell and kissed him on the dance floor . When we got back to the table we toasted our engagement , but before we drank I took out the engagement ring I had bought for him . It was a simple ring - with a sapphire in the center . Ianto smiled when I put it on his finger . I used to tell him he was born out of his time , because for all his modern views he was at heart a true romantic . We went home and made love all night . It was the best night of my life . " Jack tried very hard not to get annoyed again . It seemed as though Owen had loved Ianto , in spite of his infidelity . But why risk something that seemed so important to him over someone who obviously wasn 't ? ' Forget it , ' Jack admonished himself . ' It is not your place to say anything . ' So of course , the first words out of his mouth when Owen was finished were " What the hell is wrong with you ? " Owen looked shocked for a moment , but then he said , simply : " I have no idea . " He called for the check and paid , and the two men got up to leave " Now tell me , Mr . Harper , before you go , what was the reason you returned the key to Ianto 's bedroom and made believe it was already there ? " " I - lied about not having a spare key , " he said . " I was determined to go to the house if he took too long to come back . I wasn 't about to lose him , Detective Harkness . " Jack wondered why no one involved with this case could manage to tell the whole truth . " Fine . You can go home now . I 'll be in touch , " Jack said . " Thank you , Detective , " Owen said and hurried out of the apartment . * * * * TBC * * * * Jack wandered through the apartment , trying to piece together what he 'd learned about Ianto Jones . He hoped that this would give him some clue he was missing which would tell him why Ianto was murdered , and more importantly by whom ? Jack had never been involved in a murder investigation where the victim was so universally loved by everyone . Ianto had been a true force of nature hidden behind a quiet exterior , it seemed . Jack went to the bedroom and began opening drawers . He knew from the police report that Ianto had some journals and letters in the drawer by his bed . Jack took them out . He felt somewhat guilty looking through them , but he reasoned that they could give him a clue as to what was going on in Ianto 's mind at the time he was murdered . Maybe Ianto had an idea he was in danger ? Maybe there was something or someone that Ianto had kept secret and could be vital to the case . ' Who am I kidding ? ' Jack thought . ' I want to know who this man really was because I 'm interested . ' Not that he didn 't also want the information for the case , but he knew that there was something about Ianto Jones that had gotten to him , and he needed to find out why . He lay down on the bed and started to read . . . * * * * Jack didn 't realize that several hours had gone by until he looked up at the clock and saw that it was two o ' clock in the morning . He 'd been so engrossed in reading Ianto 's journals and letters that he hadn 't even noticed the time . Reading through the letters had helped Jack to understand why everybody loved Ianto . They were filled with friends writing to thank him for his encouragement , his support , his financial backing for some dream they had that they couldn 't get financing for . One of them in particular stood out . It was from Toshiko Sato . Thank you so much for last night . I 'm sorry I scared you . I guess I really didn 't want to kill myself , but couldn 't think of a good enough reason to stay alive . You gave me one . You showed me that you cared , that you loved me . I needed to know that there were still people like you in this world . I 'm sorry that I went on and on about how much I love you and how I wish you 'd dump Owen and give us a try . You know I was a little drunk , but that 's still no excuse . I shouldn 't have put you in that position . I practically forced you to make love to me , and for that I 'm truly sorry . I 'm glad now that you didn 't ; it would 've been wrong under those circumstances . I 'm very happy that you didn 't let this ruin our working relationship , and more importantly our friendship . Jack felt like banging his head against the headboard . " Fuck , " he yelled . " Is nobody on this case honest ? " Toshiko had made it sound like her feelings were not that intense . This letter made it sound very different . So , she 'd talked about suicide and Ianto had rushed over there to talk her out of it . Sometime during the night she told him she loved him and wanted him to sleep with her . Judging from the words Toshiko used , Jack guessed she had said something about that giving her something to live for . Thinking about John Hart and Harold Saxon 's reaction to being with Ianto , Toshiko was probably right . Jack looked at the letter again . " You saved my life once again , " she had written . What did that mean ? No one else had mentioned Ianto saving Toshiko 's life . Surely John would have known about it if he had ? Jack thought about it . No , John wouldn 't know about it . Not if Toshiko asked Ianto not to tell anyone . Ianto was not the type to go around telling people 's secrets ( like John ) or bragging about saving someone ( like Owen would 've been ) . Ianto Jones had apparently been one of a vanishing breed . An honorable man . Jack had turned to Ianto 's journals next , hoping to find out more about what had happened with Toshiko . ' And to find out more about Ianto , ' a voice in his head chided . " Be quiet , " he told the voice , and went back to his reading . * * * * By the time Jack had finished looking through the journals he had fallen in love with Ianto Jones . He realized that this was at once ridiculous and pointless , but he couldn 't help it . Everything he 'd read made him realize more and more what an extraordinary man Ianto was , and how vulnerable underneath his confident exterior . Jack closed his eyes and started to dream of Ianto . In his dreams he was the one who was holding Ianto , reassuring him , letting him know that he wasn 't alone . It seemed that everyone in Ianto 's life always needed something from him . In Jack 's dream he was the one giving to Ianto . Images danced in his mind of the two of them making Chapter 8 : An Unexpected Arrival * * * * * * * * Jack awoke to the sound of the bedroom door slamming , and a very soft and sexy voice saying , " Who the hell are you and why are you in my bed ? " Jack blinked a few times , sure that this was another dream . " Ianto ? " he rubbed his eyes , trying to be sure he was awake . " Ianto ! " he jumped off the bed and without thinking kissed Ianto soundly on the lips . " You 're alive ! " He kissed him again . Ianto was startled , and for a moment Jack felt him respond to the kiss , and he savored the feeling of Ianto 's lips parting to let him in . Then Ianto pushed him away . " What the fuck ? What are you doing ? Are you some crazy fan ? Wait - don 't move any closer . I 'm going to call the police ! " Ianto warned . Jack smiled . " I am the police . " He took his badge and i . d . out of his jacket and showed it to Ianto . He inspected it and handed it back to Jack . " What are you doing here ? Why are you on my bed reading my journal , and why the hell did you kiss me just now ? " " Oh , that . I 'm sorry , it 's just - well the reason I 'm here is that I 'm investigating your murder . " " Murder ? Is this some kind of joke ? Is that badge even real ? " " Yes , I can assure you it 's real , and I can assure you that I 'm investigating your supposed murder . You are welcome to call the precinct and check out what I 'm saying . " " But , why would anyone think I 'd been murdered ? " Ianto sounded like he was in shock . " Didn 't you have a television or a newspaper where you were ? " Jack asked . " No - I go there to be alone and meditate or work on campaigns . I don 't like to be disturbed . I also shut my phone off . " " Don 't you have a radio or computer - anything that connects you to the outside world ? " Jack asked , suspiciously . " That 's the point , Detective , " Ianto said somewhat irritably . " I didn 't want to be connected to the outside world ! If I needed to call someone I could always plug the phone in . But I didn 't want to . " " What about on the way home ? Didn 't you pick up a paper or listen to the radio in the car ? " " I didn 't . I made a last minute deciChapter 9 : Friends , Family , Lovers - Suspects ? Jack awoke the next morning to find Ianto had wrapped himself around him while sleeping . His head was resting on Jack 's chest , and one arm was holding Jack tightly . Jack smiled when he realized that Ianto had thrown his leg over Jack 's legs . It had been a long time since he 'd woken up with anyone by his side . He 'd forgotten how much he missed it . He smiled . Now he knew what Owen meant when he said that being in here was like being inside a cocoon . Jack felt that way - as though he and Ianto were alone , the only two people left in the city . That thought was followed by a " What the fuck am I doing ? I slept with a murder - victim - no , not victim . Suspect ! What the hell is wrong with me ? " Ianto woke up shortly after Jack did , and gave him a big smile . " Good morning , Detective , " before he realized how he had wound himself around Jack 's body . Once he did , he blushed and tried to extricate himself . Jack tightened his hold on Ianto . " It 's ok . I like it . " Jack sighed and looked down at Ianto . " You know - I really shouldn 't have done this . " Jack sighed again . " Only marginally better . I know this may sound like a lie , but I 've never done this before . I 've never crossed over the line with a person who was part of a murder investigation I was working . " Well , because it 's something everyone says when they screw up , isn 't it ? I 've never done anything like this before ? " He paused . " You believe me ? " Jack smiled back , thinking of how he 'd used those same words last night about Ianto . It pleased him to think that Ianto saw him that way . He closed his eyes and thought of what his lieutenant would say about his behavior . Somehow he didn 't think he would have the same opinion of it . " Don 't tell me you can cook , too ? Ianto Jones , no wonder everyone is in love with you ! Actually , I could just use a cup of coffee . Can you make coffee ? " " Yes , yes I think I can manage that , " Ianto replied . " But you should eat . I don 't think you 've had much to eat since Friday night , have you ? " Jack thought for a moment . He wasn 't sure when he 'd last eaten , which was not a good sign . " I could make breakfast , " he offered . Ianto filled a mug and gave it to Jack . He tasted it and said , " Wow . You weren 't kidding when you said you knew had to make coffee . " " I 'm an only child , " Ianto responded to Jack 's question about siblings . " That 's one reason Gwen and I were so close growing up . We 're both only children , and our parents were older when they had us . So we were company for each other a lot of the time . " Did she resent your engagement to Mr . Harper ? " Jack inwardly winced . This sounded like an interrogation was starting . He sighed . Well , breakfast was over by this point , he rationalized . It was time to get things back to the investigation . Ianto noticed the change but said nothing . " No - I don 't know . Maybe she did . I know she liked him , but I didn 't believe she 'd actually try and take him away from me or anything like that . " " Yes , I 'm sure he did . He accused Gwen of being in love with Owen . Not that he said it as an n accusation , of course . It just amused him . I think he hoped she would take him away from me . " " I was just wondering - could we tell people now ? My parents - I 'm worried about their health . And I don 't like the idea of anyone being in mourning over me when I 'm alive . John can get very morose , and Gwen is a bit highly strung . Owen - " Ianto looked pained when he mentioned Owen 's name . " Owen is probably beside himself . " At that moment Jack 's phone rang . It was his lieutenant , asking him to come in . The results from the medical examiner 's office were in . It confirmed that it was not Ianto Jones who had been killed . Jack dreaded the next part . Confirming it was Mark Johnson and informing his family . " No . It 's just the job calling . They said it wasn 't you that was murdered . Now I have to go over there and see if it was Mark Johnson . " Jack put his hands on Ianto 's shoulders . " Yes , I do . Whoever tried to kill you thinks they succeeded , and I 'd like to let them think that for a little while longer . I wanted to figure this out before I let anyone know they screwed up the first time . " He paused and stroked Ianto 's face . " Because this time - if anything happened to you , I wouldn 't like it . In fact , " he moved in closer and ran his fingers through Ianto 's hair , " I would really , really hate it . " " Yeah , thanks Bob . No , it 's ok . I 'll go to the house and talk to Harper . Keep watching Ianto . ' Bye . " Jack arrived at the house to find Owen already there . He knocked on the door and when he didn 't get a response he pushed the door open . It wasn 't difficult . He 'd really have to speak to Ianto about getting better security . " Alright , stop right there , Harper and put the gun down . What were you planning on doing with it ? Hiding it or getting rid of it ? " " Protect him from what ? Oh - you think Ianto killed Mark and are trying to get the gun before we can test it ! Is that it ? Or is it that you killed Mark and are trying to hide the evidence ? " " I don 't know , but I 'll tell you what I 've said before . If you lie to the police once we start thinking you lie all the time . Now , tell me the truth . Why would you say that you are hiding the gun to protect Ianto ? " Owen looked down , nervously . Finally he admitted , " Ianto told me the gun was here . I was afraid that if you found it you 'd jump to the wrong conclusions . " " You know what , Detective ? I don 't care what you think of my motives . I know I was trying to protect Ianto and he knows it too . He believes I love him even if no one else does . " " Maybe so , Detective . But , again , I don 't care what you think . All that matters is that Ianto believes me . Now , if you 'll excuse me I 'm going to leave . " " Not so fast , Mr . Harper . I 'm going to take this gun and have it tested . Until this case is finished , stay away from the evidence , do you understand ? Or I will arrest you for obstruction of justice - regardless of how pure your motives might be . " " Hello , Jack , " he gestured for Jack to come into the apartment . " I know you saw Owen at the cottage , and I have to tell you he 's being honest . I did tell him the gun was at the cottage . I know , I know ! I shouldn 't have done that . I know it looks bad . But I didn 't ask him to go get it . I just told him it was there . He went to get it on his own . " Ianto sighed . " He thinks he 's protecting me . He seems to feel you 'd suspect me if you knew the gun was there . I think he might even believe that I killed Mark ! " Ianto seemed astonished that Owen would think that . " As soon as you left ? Are you having my calls monitored , Detective ? Next thing I know you 'll be asking me to put a tracking device on my ankle ! " " Oh , don 't be ridiculous ! I just monitored you for your own protection ! Which obviously was a waste of time since YOU don 't seem to care about it ! " " Hello , sweetheart . I see the Detective is back . He just can 't seem to leave you alone , can he ? " Owen smiled at Jack smugly as he said this . Ianto said , " Owen , calm down please . Let 's not make things worse . " " Back on ? It was never off , Detective . See this ? " He picked up Ianto 's hand to show the engagement ring was back on his finger . Jack didn 't know what to say but was spared having to come up with something when the doorbell rang . " I 'll get it , " he said as Ianto moved to open the door . " It would be helpful if you listened to at least one of my suggestions , Mr . Jones , " he said in as sarcastic a tone as he could manage . He opened the door to find John Hart waiting to come in . " Detective , " he nodded at Jack . " Now that you 've finished your inspection of the apartment I would like to have my things back . I 've several - " he stopped in midsentence as he saw Ianto . Ianto rushed to John 's side . " Oh my God , is he alright ? " He touched John 's chest to make sure he was still breathing . " Ok , that 's enough . Stop it before you make me sick ! " Jack took a deep breath . He couldn 't let his feelings over Ianto blur his judgment on the case . He had to remain objective . " Oh , I 'm sure it isn 't enough , Detective . I thought my fiancé was dead ! I 'm entitled to shower him with affection if I so desire . " At that moment John awoke and called from the bedroom , " That 's right , Detective . I think you should arrest Owen . He 's the guilty party . I 'm sure of it . " " Ianto , " John held out his arms and Ianto got off the sofa and went to him . John held him close for a few minutes then pulled back a little so he could touch Ianto 's face . " I can 't believe you 're real . It 's a miracle ! We have to celebrate with your family and friends ! I called everyone and they 'll be over soon . Detective , you 'll have to order some food ! " " I don 't know , John . It seems kind of shallow to be celebrating now . Someone did die here , you know . Mark Johnson . I doubt his family would think this is a joyful occasion . " " Detective , do you see why everyone loves my fiancé ? " Owen asked as he came behind Ianto and put his arms around his waist . Without waiting for an answer he said , " Don 't worry , Ianto . We will keep it low key . But you have to give your loved ones a chance to celebrate the fact that you 're alive ! " * * * The guests started to arrive an hour later . " Ianto - thank God you 're alive ! " Gwen exclaimed as she threw her arms around Ianto 's neck and held on tight . Jack noted wryly that Gwen 's loud exclamation of joy was quickly followed up by an anxious glance toward Owen . " So - is the engagement back on ? " She asked . " Yes , it is . Ianto and I are having our ceremony as planned , " Owen slipped his arm around Ianto 's waist and squeezed . Ianto smiled at Owen and nodded his agreement . Jack almost broke the glass he was holding . " Really ? " Gwen 's voice sounded as strained as Jack 's had when he 'd asked the same question earlier . " So much good news at once ! I don 't know what to say ! " " Say what you really feel , Gwen darling , " John shook his head and snickered at her . " You really don 't think this is SUCH WONDERFUL NEWS , now , do you ? " " Oh , shut up , John . Stop trying to make trouble . Of course I 'm happy for my cousin and his fiancé ! Why wouldn 't I be ? " " Oh , Gwen , Gwen , you just don 't know when to stop , do you ? You just keep walking right into the insults ! " John chuckled . " Let 's see - why wouldn 't you be ? Well - " " That 's enough , John , " Ianto said softly . " Alright ! Nobody can take a joke around here ! " John stormed off in exasperation and there was an awkward silence as Owen , Gwen and Ianto watched him go . " Well , let 's enjoy ourselves , shall we ? " Owen asked , trying to play the part of the host . " This is a celebration , after all ! " * * * * Jack sat in the corner and watched the interactions of the people at the party . Everyone seemed genuinely happy to see Ianto , especially Toshiko who cried for a full five minutes before she could accept that Ianto was actually alive . " Harold , what are you doing here ? " Jack snapped out of his musings to see a very annoyed Owen trying to forcibly eject Harold Saxon from the apartment . " I had to see for myself that Ianto was alive ! " Harold pushed past Owen and ran toward Ianto . " Ianto , thank God ! " he kept exclaimChapter 11 : Interrogation at the Precinct * * * " So , are you really not going to speak to me all the way downtown ? " Ianto stared straight ahead , a stony expression on his face . Jack sighed . " Ok , yell at me . I know you want to , and frankly anything would be preferable to you giving me the silent treatment ! " Ianto turned to Jack , finally acknowledging his presence . " Was it really necessary to bring me down to the station for interrogation as though I 'm a common criminal ? What was the real reason you HAD to make me look like a fool and a possible murder suspect in front of my friends and family ? " " Don 't forget your devoted fiancé ? " Jack reminded him . " What - oh , I get it now ! You were JEALOUS ? Jealous of me and Owen , so you had to tear me away from him and make me look like a suspect ? Are you INSANE , or are you just really five years old ? " " Now , wait just a minute , Mr . Jones ! " Jack 's face grew red at Ianto 's accusations . " Are you saying I 'm not a professional ? I most certainly am ! I can 't help ii if new evidence came up ! " He paused . " Alright , perhaps I could 've been more reticent , but - " " But what ? " Ianto sighed , puffing out his cheeks as he did so . " That - that Owen guy ! He was driving me crazy ! Fawning all over you , preening like a fool . " My love , my sweetheart , my dearest ! " Jack mimicked the tone of Owen 's voice . Ianto laughed . " He most certainly did NOT talk like that ! " " Well , it was close enough , " Jack said in an irritated tone . When they got to the precinct Jack instructed one of the officers to take Ianto to one of the interview rooms . " Oh , are we going for the ' white light ' interrogation , Detective ? " Ianto asked , the frosty tone back in his voice . " No , I 'm saving that for later . Just in case you don 't cooperate , " Jack smiled in spite of himself . * * * In spite of Jack 's light tone , Ianto was uncomfortable sitting in the interview room while he waited . While there was no " white light " , the room itself was designed for minimum comfort and maximum discomfort / anxiety . He squirmed in theChapter 12 : Cat and Mouse Games Ianto returned to the apartment to find that the party had broken up soon after Jack had " arrested " Ianto . The only ones left were Gwen , Owen and John . " Ianto , thank God ! " Owen exclaimed as he threw himself into Ianto 's arms . " What the hell was that idiot detective thinking ? " Ianto gently extricated himself from Owen . " He was thinking that I could be the murderer , Owen . He even had me under the ' white light ' ! " " The ' white light ' ? " John sneered . " What does he think this is ? Some 1940 's detective movie ? " Ianto went on to tell them a version of what happened , ending with his temporary exoneration by Jack . " Oh , well that 's a relief , " Owen said and the others agreed . " So , what 's next for the illustrious Det . Harkness now that you 're not his main suspect ? " John asked . " Surprisingly John , he didn 't inform me of what his next move would be , " Ianto smiled . " I don 't think that 's how investigations are generally run . " " How ungentlemanly of him not to give you at least some clue , " John murmured . " He always did seem a bit crass , however . He gave me a hard time when I said I wanted to get the items I had given you back . " " Yes , well I believe they were part of the crime scene , John . Why were you in such a hurry to get them back , anyway ? " " Your cousin wanted to have an auction , " John nodded at Gwen who looked suddenly embarrassed . " I didn 't know what else to do with them , dear , " she said softly . Ianto sighed . " Don 't worry about it , Gwen . Look , could you two leave , please ? I want to talk to Owen alone . " " Oh , this can 't be good , " John beamed . " Shut up , John ! " Owen said , but his face had gone pale . " What is it , Ianto ? Do you want to break off our engagement ? " " Owen , do you really want to do this here ? In front of John and Gwen ? " " Oh don 't mind us , " John smirked . " We 'll just watch . " " John , " Ianto began a warning tone in his voice . " Sorry my dear , " John said , without seeming the least bit apologetic . " LoChapter 13 : Final Revelations : Say Goodbye , Say Hello * * * Ianto walked into the bedroom and began to take his clothes off to get ready for bed He turned on John 's show and was listening to the familiar voice talking about great lovers of history , trying to make sense of what Jack had accused John of . He heard John 's voice : " Love is eternal . It has been the strongest motivation for human action throughout the centuries . . . Love is stronger than life . It reaches beyond the dark shadow of death . . . They are not long , the days of wine and roses ; out of a misty dream our path emerges for a while , then closes within a dream . He couldn 't reconcile the man he knew with the murderer Jack described . No matter what the reason was . His back was turned when he heard a familiar voice . " That 's the way it is , isn 't it Ianto ? " Ianto turned to see John holding a gun on him . " John - " he said , softly , " You don 't really want to kill me . " " No , I don 't . But I can 't stand the thought of you with that man . You were the best part of me , Ianto . Do you think I 'm going to leave you to that crass detective , or anybody else ? " " I couldn 't let myself believe it . I just couldn 't . Even though you tried so hard to make it seem like Owen did it , in order to get him out of the way . I couldn 't believe you would kill me . " " You 're so beautiful , Ianto . And so naïve . I love that about you . You really can 't see it ? Can 't see how someone could love you that much ? " " I - that 's not love ! That 's obsession ! That 's twisted - insane ! You 're insane ! " Ianto cried out . There was a pounding at the door and Ianto heard Jack frantically calling his name . " Ianto ! Ianto ! John , I know you 're in there ! My men were downstairs and didn 't see you leave . Open the goddamn door ! You can 't get away ! " " Jack ! " Ianto called out . He heard Jack try to break the door down . " There he is , " John smiled sadly . " Say goodbye to him , my love . Now it 's going to be you and me . The way it should always have been . The way it 'll be forever . " He pointed the gun and Ianto gActions

Country Humor . The Good ? ? Ole Days . Just a collection of stories , thoughts and memories of growing up in oklahoma . Most of them will involve my best friend of the last 55 years , Stanley Johnson . I hope one day to have his versions on here also because I 'm sure our memories don 't always match . Being in Alaska with winter coming on you tended to start thinking of how you 're going to get around with multiple feet of snow on the ground . I could get from point A to point B the same way Stanley and I did down home , riding Shanks Mare , better known as walking . To tell the truth I was planning on doing just that since I figured it was going to be my only option until I made a trip to town that is . There was a small cafe where I used to hang out every time I went to town . It was a place where most of the locals hung out and as such it was a great place to learn about living in Alaska . I got ignored the first few times I went there but after awhile the folks realized that I really meant to stay in the country and they began to be a little more friendly with me . The place not only served really good food but it was also kind of a community gathering spot where the locals could visit and catch up on the news . Among the locals were several folks that lived out in the bush like me . I got to know one old timer when I found out that not only did he live alone in the bush but he also liked to play chess and would make the trip to town every chance he got just to have a good meal and play a few games . After I managed to hold my own in a few games and he saw that it wasn 't going to be a waste of time playing against me he started to open up and give me a lot of info on what it took to survive on your own out in the country . I learned more about wilderness living over that chess board than I did from all the reading I ever did . I headed down to the cafe as soon as got the canoe tied up ; looking forward to seeing if he was in town . I figured if I could get him going with a game I would be able to pick his brain about which would be better for winter travel , snowshoes or skies . I needed to find out which might be the best because I didn 't really have any idea how to use either and I knew I was going to need all the practice I could get before bad weather hit . He was not only in town but was already sitting at a table waiting for someone to come in and play a game . Unfortunately it only took a couple of moves to see that he wasn 't up to his usual standards . I didn 't know what was wrong but it was obvious that his mind was on something other than the game . I finally stopped playing , leaned back in my chair and asked him what the problem was . " Well " he said " I 'm not doing to good health wise and it looks like I 'm gonna have to head back south " . That really threw me for a loop . He was somewhere in his 60 's and had always looked to be the picture of good health to me . I knew he lived at least twenty miles outside of town and made the walk in at least once a week when the weather was good . He had been living out in the woods on his own since he was in his early twenties and he 'd all ways said he would stay where he was until the day he died . Of course about the only thing we had ever talked about was living on our own and I really didn 't know all that much about his background . Over coffee I learned more about him than I had in the three months I had known him . With all his problems he was still willing to give me some advice . He thought that snowshoes would be the best for checking my trap line because they were easier to move in when the snow was soft and once you got in the rhythm you could cover a lot of miles with them . He laughed when I mentioned skies and pointed out that since I had no experience what so ever I more than likely kill myself before I learned how to use them . Then he came up with an idea that I hadn 't even thought of . " Why don 't you get a dog team ? " he asked . " Why not ? " I thought . After all , I 'd seen Sergeant Preston of the Yukon when I was a kid and driving a dog team pulling a sled didn 't look all that hard . The fact that I had absolutely no idea of what might be involved with owing a dog team didn 't slow my thinking down at all . You could haul a lot more stuff on a sled than on your back and would be able to cove a lot more ground . On top of all that , it did get kind of lonely at the cabin and having dogs around would help take care of that . The old man just sat back in his chair , drinking his coffee and watched me mulling the idea over . From the little smile he had on his face I must have had smoke coming out my ears . I was thinking that this really sounded like a plan and all I needed to do was come up with the team and a sled . " Where do you reckon a guy might find a team ? " I asked . This is where I found out the reason for the little smile . It seems that he just happened to have not only a dog team but a sled and all the gear I would need . It also turned out that since he was moving back south he was planning on selling all his stuff and since I was his friend he would make me a real good deal on the whole kit and caboodle . Things were looking up . Not only would my traveling problems be solved but he was willing to trade the whole mess for the amount of gold that I had found ( which , at the time was about $ 800 . 00 dollars worth ) . To recap : I had a dog team complete with sled and harness that I had bought sight unseen . Should I be worried ? I had to make a deal with my buddy , James to bring the team , sled and all the gear down to the cabin because there was no way I was going to fit the dogs in the canoe . I forgot to mention that there were only four dogs . It seemed to me that Sergeant Preston had more than that but I couldn 't remember . Anyway , the old timer told me that he had used four dogs and had had no problem hauling what he needed and I took his word for it . We shook hands on the deal and spent the rest of the night playing chess while he told me how well I was going to do with the team and how much easier it was going to make traveling for me . I headed back to the cabin the next morning to await my team thinking of mushing through the snow the whole trip . I had taken some stakes and chains with me because the old timer said the dogs were used to being chained up . I really hated the thought of chaining them up . I was thinking more along the lines of having them running and playing around the cabin but I knew it was going to take time for them to get used to me and their new surroundings . I cleared all the brush off one side of the yard and drove the stakes into the ground . Each dog would have a circle about ten feet in diameter . Next I dug a horse shoe shaped trench close to the stake . I cut branches and bent them into a " U " shape and stuck each end into the trench then wired a couple more from the closed end of the trench to the opposite end and other that frame I stretched some canvas from an old tent I had found by the river . They weren 't great but at least they would each have a shelter they good use to get in out of the rain . I had also brought three hundred pounds of dog food home and I had to take the boards I had left over and build a storage box for it next to the cabin . I built the bottom off the ground so I wouldn 't have to worry about moisture and added a thick piece of plastic to the lid to keep the rain out . I had spent an entire week getting ready for the dogs and was really looking forward to them showing up . I woke up a couple of mornings later to the sound of James 's boat coming up the creek . By the time I got dressed and put a pot of coffee on the stove I could see him pulling into the bank . I headed down to the creek to meet him and finally get a look at my new dogs . I could hear them as soon as I stepped out of the cabin and I could hear James cussing at them . I remember down home at William Story 's house when they had a bunch of hounds that tended to lie around under the front porch . Every time someone would come up to the house those hounds would come boiling out from under that porch , barking their heads off . William would be out front trying to say hello to whoever it was and trying to yell and kick at the dogs at the same time . It reminded me a lot of what James was doing , trying to say hi to me and yelling at the dogs to shut up all at the same time . I could hear the dogs but still couldn 't see them . James had the sled tied across the boat and the dogs were behind it . By the time I got to the boat he had the sled untied and I was able to help him get it out and set it on the bank and there were my dogs . James had all of them held to the side rails of his boat with really short chains , two on each side and far enough apart that they couldn 't reach each other . He said it was so they wouldn 't fight each other or jump out of the boat . I could see where having one of them jump from the boat while you were coming down the river would be rough but I thought dog teams were supposed to get alone and you wouldn 't have to worry about them fighting . They all looked friendly enough , jumping around and wagging their tails but when I walked up to the fist one he quit wagging and started growling . According to James this one 's name was Mike and he looked to be pure Husky . I took a chance and held my hand out so he could smell it . He checked it out for a minute and finally licked it instead of taking a bite which was a big relief for me . The one on the other side of the boat was called Joe and I 'm not sure what he was . He looked kind of like a long haired blue tick hound , just bigger . Behind him was Pig eye , he looked like a cross between a Saint Bernard and maybe a Boxer . Whatever he was he had a really fat face and he did have pig eyes . The last one was Sam , another cross breed who looked like he was at least part Husky . By them time we got them all out of the boat and chained out in their new spots I was thinking I might need to change my idea of dog teams not fighting . I was hoping I was wrong and all the problem was that they were all excited about being in new surroundings . They did seem to be all right as long as we kept them apart . I put some food out for them but they were too excited to pay attention to it right then and James and I went in to have a fresh salmon dinner . I didn 't get to do much with them for the next week . I fed them every day and tried to spend a little time with them but I still had a lot of work to do around the cabin . I was afraid to take them off their chains because I knew they still weren 't used to me and if they took off running I wasn 't sure they would come back if I called them . They did seem to be well trained though . After they calmed down that first day and night they didn 't bark unless I came out of the cabin and as soon as I walked over to them they would all pull at their chains so I could pet them . The only problem I had was with Mike . He was happy as long as I was petting and paying attention to him but he would tend to growl as soon as I moved on to the next one . Pig Eye was the mellowest of the bunch . As soon as I started petting him he would roll over so I could scratch his belly . Joe always looked like he was grinning and I couldn 't get him to stop jumping up on me and trying to lick my face . I wasn 't sure about Sam . He would stand real still and let me pet him like he was just putting up with it but didn 't really like it . After that first week I decided to start taking them for a walk . I was only able to handle one at a time so I started out with Mike and was very pleasantly surprised . He walked right along side of me , not pulling on the leash or trying to take off on his own . I went a couple of miles up the creek because he was behaving so well and just because I was enjoying it . Not a bit of a problem the entire trip . He stopped every time I did and waited for me to start walking again before he moved . I was beginning to think that I had lucked into some well trained dogs . The next day I took Pig Eye . Other that trying get my whole hand in his mouth when I fed him a treat and slobbering all over me he was pretty mellow and I was looking forward to the same kind of walk I 'd had with Mike . I was wrong . I didn 't realize how strong he was until we were about a mile from the cabin . I hadn 't had any problem with him , just walking along , petting him and giving him a snack every once in awhile for being such a good dog . I thought I had heard something in the brush and had stopped in the trail to see what it might be . Pig had stopped when I did and was just standing beside me sniffing around . I finally saw something moving and stepped to one side to get a better look at it . It was just a rabbit so I told Pig to come on and started to take a step up the trail . I guess I hadn 't noticed that Pig had also seen that rabbit . The next thing I knew he let out a deep bark and I was laying on the ground being drug up the trail . We went at least a hundred feet up the trail and I have no idea how far we would have gone if he hadn 't left the trail and I got hung up in the brush . I learned a few things about Pig that day . I figured he would be good at pulling a sled because dragging me behind him sure didn 't slow him down any . I also learned not to loop the leash over my wrist where I couldn 't let it go and I wasn 't sure about other animals but he was going to be a hell of a rabbit dog . I had to end our walk then and stumble back home . My shoulder wasA couple of days later when my shoulder was feeling a little better I decided I 'd take Joe out for his walk . He seemed to know it was his turn because he started jumping around and barking before I even got close to him with the leash . I was hoping he would calm done after I got the leash on him and we set out but his excitement just seemed to go up a few notches . He left the yard at pretty well walking on his back legs from straining at the leash . It wasn 't easy but not so bad until we got out of the yard and into the woods . Not only did he strain and pull at the leash but he tried to go every which way all at the same time . He would jerk my arm one way and before I could get set to pull him back he would head off in the opposite direction . We ended up going along with me leaning backward trying to hold him while he tried to sniff every tree bush and rock pile . In less than a mile I was more tired out than I had been with both the other dogs and had to turn back toward the cabin . It took a couple of hard pulls to get him turned around and headed back and I think he knew we were going back home . He quit jerking on the leash and came over to lick my hand and whine a little like he was saying he was sorry . If I hadn 't been so tired and my shoulder wasn 't hurting again I would have given in and kept going but as it was by the time I got back to the cabin all I could do was put him back on his chain , stumble into the cabin and lay on my bunk for a few hours . The last one was Sam and I have to say I was a little disappointed with that walk . I couldn 't complain about him being unruly or trying to drag me through the woods . All he did from the time I put the leash on him until we got back to the cabin was follow along behind me with his head down . I couldn 't even get him to walk beside me much less out in front . I started worrying that he might be sick or something . I started jogging up the trail and he had no problem picking up the pace and staying with me so I took off running as fast as I could and again , he kept pace with me . As soon as I stopped he plopped down on his butt and just stared at me . He was kind of an odd dog but for some reason I had the feeling you 'd be able to count on him if the need arose . I tried to spend as much time with the dogs as I could for the next two weeks . I 'd pet them and talk to them every morning when I fed them and at least twice a day I 'd give them a snack of smoked salmon . After a couple of walks I found that I could take Mike and Sam walking at the same time . They were both well behaved during the walks even though Sam would always walk behind Mike , Even if I tried to pull him up even with Mike he would just dig his feet in until I gave up then find his spot right behind Mike . With Pig and Joe there was no way I 'd be able to take both of them without having my arms jerked out of their sockets . I had been trying to get caught up with all the work that needed to be done around the cabin so I would have a completely free day and managed to that by the start of the third week . I woke up early that morning to a fresh snowfall which I thought was a good omen for what I had planned that day . I had already checked out the harnesses for the dogs and found that they didn 't look all that different from what you would use on a horse for pulling a plow back home . There was a breast harness with a belly strap connected to the collar and a chest harness attached to that . There were two pull ropes attached to the breast harness which were joined To tell you the truth I 'm not sure how this brilliant idea came to lodge in my pea brain . Even though I knew I had two dogs that I was totally unable to control when they were together I decided to hook all four of them together and take a leisurely stroll through the woods , and I thought this was a good plan . The way the harness was set up there would be two dogs in the front with the other two following them . Since I had decided that Mike seemed to be the natural leader and Sam was the second most well mannered one I would put them in the front . Plus for some reason I assumed that with the two well behaved dogs already attached the other two would follow their lead and settle right down . I hooked the ring at the end of the harness to a stake that I had driven in the ground . My plan was to get all the dogs harnessed , and then hook another small chain to the ring . Then I could slip the ring off the stake when I had them harnessed and was ready to go . Anyone who knows me will know how this plan worked out . The first part did go fairly well . I got Mike and Joe both into their harness without any problem . All they did was sniff at each other a few times . Next came Pig . At least I was smart enough to put his harness on while he was still chained up because it turned out to be area chore . Imagine trying to put a sweater on a ten year old kid that 's super hyper and wanting to jumped up and down while running circles around you . That would be almost as bad as trying to get that harness on Pig . With all that hassle it came as a big surprise when as soon as the harness was all the way on him he stopped acting crazy and other than a few jumps and wiggles he stood in his spot and looked around . Maybe it was because he thought the harness meant he was going to get to go somewhere . I don 't know but I sure wasn 't going to complain . Getting Sam harnessed wasn 't near as bad as I had thought it might be but he was the wild one once it was done . He kept pulling at the harness and dancing around . There was no doubt that he was readThere was at least one thing I kind of got right I used my hook on the end of the chain . This thing looked like some kind of grappling hook with three prongs ; it reminded me of the big treble hooks we used down home for fishing . According to James it was supposed to be the sled anchor so the dogs wouldn 't run off with it when I was stopped . For some odd reason I actually believed I 'd be able to control the dogs once they were all hooked together but just to be on the safe side I added the hook . All of them had tugged against the stake after I had I had gotten the harness on them but since they couldn 't go anywhere they were all just standing there in the traces looking back at me . As for me I was also just standing there looking at them . I had been about to slip the ring off when it dawned on me that I had no idea of how to handle a dog team . Taking an individual dog on a walk through the woods was a lot different than trying to get a team to do what you wanted . If I wanted one of them to stop I 'd just say stop and pull on the leash . How was I supposed to get a team to stop ? There were no reins on a dog team . Would they respond to " Stop " or maybe " Whoa " ? How did you get them to go in the direction you wanted ? Gee and Haw would work on a team of mules but would it mean anything to dogs ? The light finally came on in my little brain . I should have spent a lot more time picking the old timers brain about how to handle a team . I wouldn 't have been the same as actually training with someone who knew what they were doing but it would have at least answered some of the questions I found myself asking . As usual I had been too excited about the prospect of being Nanook of the north and picturing myself riding through the woods on a sled than thinking of the troubles I might be letting myself in for . Well , it was too late now . I guess I could have taken them back off the harness and waited for James to stop by the cabin so I could ask him if he knew anything about driving a team . The only problem with that would be that I 'd have to own up to the fact that I had spent good money on something that I knew absolutely nothing about . It would be the first time but that didn 't make it any easier to admit . Plus , I didn 't know when he would be by . We didn 't have a set time on when he stopped by . It all depended on when he got a fishing party or was going hunting . It could be the next day or it might be in two weeks . I knew he 'd be back at least a couple more times before the river froze up but my " know it all " brain over road my common since and I decided that since I had everything ready I might as well go ahead and give it a try . I mean after all , how hard could it be ? As I bent down to slip the ring off the stake the dogs turned to watch me and kind of tensed up . I got the ring off and stood back up to see if they were doing anything . They were still just standing there looking at me . I got a good hold of the grappling hook . I figured that since it had three prongs it would be the best thing to hang onto and if the dogs did get away from me all I would have to do was throw it on the ground . I forgot all about the mush thing I thought you were supposed to say to get the going and instead I just said " giddieup " . They stood there for a minute looking at me then looking across the yard at the trail , one more look at me and they " Gottieup ! " All of them lunged against their harnesses at the same time . I thought I was ready for it . I was wrong . I went off my feet face first and was being drug across the yard because I didn 't have enough since to let go of the chain . I did have the presence of mind to at least try and dig the hook into the ground but with the speed the dogs were doing the best I could do was dig a deep scratch across the yard . The dogs took a sharp left at the edge of the yard and headed up the trail . I would like to say I made the same turn with them but it was more like I was the end kid in a game of " crack the whip " . Not only did they throw me off the end of the chain but I rolled far enough down the bank that I ended up with my feet in the creek . The last of I saw of the dogs was Pig and Joes butts headed through the woods with the grappling hook bouncing along behind them . Needless to say ( but I will anyway ) that didn 't go exactly the way I had planned . I had torn the sleeve on my quilted coat and had a pretty good gash on my arm . One leg of my britches was torn most of the off and I had cuts and scratches from my ankle to my knee . When I was finally able to set up I realized my hat was gone and there was blood dripping in my eye . I took a few minutes to get rolled over to my hands and knees and even longer to stand up . My feet were so wet from being in the creek that once I did stand up I had water squirting out the tops of both . All I really wanted to do was go back in the cabin and lay down but I could hear the dogs barking up the trail . They must have gotten hung up by the grapple hook . I was really tempted to just leave them where they were while I went and lay down and waited for my head to quit swimming . I walked back up to the trail and cast a longing look at the cabin , but it was my fault the dogs were in whatever predicament they were in and now it sounded like they were fighting . Thankfully they hadn 't gone very far before the hook got caught in a big tree root . The brush was torn up on both sides of the trail where they had tried to get themselves unhooked but from the looks of it the more they had tried the more they had gotten tangled up . Mike was laying on his side with his collar tangled in a root . Pig was standing on top of him and Mike was trying to bite Pigs feet and legs to make him move , the problem was Pig was so wrapped up in the lead chain that he couldn 't move even if he 'd of wanted to . Joe and Sam were the least tangled but I needed to try and get Pig clear first before Mike managed to get a good bite on him . I waded into the middle of them trying to get to Pigs harness but I accidentally stepped on Mike so he immediately quit trying to bite Pigs feet and started in on mine . I was thankful that I had on some pretty thick boots because he got a couple of good bites in before I could get out of his way . I finally got them all untangled and spread out far enough to keep them from fighting but it sure wasn 't a fun way to spend the afternoon . Every time I had to bend over I felt like I was going to throw up and I kept getting dizzy spells . I had the leash in my pocket . I 'm not sure why I even brought it but I sure was glad I did . I had to unhook them from the harness and walk them back to the cabin one at a time . By the time I got all four of them back to the cabin and chained up I was seeing double and my head was killing me . My feet felt like they were frozen from wearing the wet boots and the cut on my arm had soaked most of my coat sleeve with blood . The problem with living out by yourself is that you have to do things no matter how you felt and I couldn 't just chain them up and go lay down , first I had to feed and water them and I still needed to spend a couple of minutes with each of them to let them know they were good dogs and it wasn 't their fault . It was over four hours from the time I hit the ground before I was able to stagger back into the cabin and get my boots offI spent the next week trying to do all the work around the cabin one armed , again . We had a good snow that week , at least a couple of feet . The dogs seemed to like the little dog houses I had built , at least they stayed in them most nights . Feeding them was not a problem but we were in the weather where I had to melt snow to give them water . I spent a lot of that week sitting on the porch worrying about my arm . After four days I didn 't see any red marks coming from the cut and began to breathe a little easier . I figured I 'd be able to pull the stitches in another couple of days , something I wasn 't looking forward to . The rest of my sitting time I spent thinking about how little I really knew about taking care of a dog team . Believe me it took most of that week to just catalog all the things I didn 't know and only about fifteen minutes to go through what I did know . I figured James would be able to make at least one more trip before the river froze and I had to decide what I was going to do before his final trip . In my daydreams I could still see me running my trap line using the sled and the team . It was a real tempting dream but I was going to have to face the reality sooner or later and the reality was could I really take care of four dogs during the coming winter ? Somewhere during that winter I was going to have to supply meat for them because I didn 't have near enough dog food to last them all winter nor could I afford to buy enough . I was planning on getting one moose to go along with my smoked fish and what rabbits I could get just to last me through the winter . The dogs would mean I 'd need to get at least two and I couldn 't guarantee that I was even going to get the one for me . But , damn , I wanted that team and sled ! I pulled the stitches on the ninth day . I might have waited a couple of days too many because they damn sure made my eyes water when I yanked them out . Now it was time to decide what I was going to do and I knew there was no way I was going to give up without trying them out pulling the sled . There was a good three feet of snow on the ground when I decided to give it one more try . Another thing that I had thought of during my week off was what kind of snow was the best for a sled ? You could get soft snow where you would sink to your knees if you tried to walk in it or you could get snow that froze after falling and leave a nice crust on top . If the snow froze during the night and then you got more snow the next day you would have a crust on top of the first layer which was sometimes hard enough to walk on . During the week I was off we had several snow falls so there was a crust pretty well between each . I didn 't know if that was good or bad but I just didn 't have the time or the knowledge to wait . I got up early that next morning and went out to feed them a good meal . I spent the next hour packing the sled . I was hoping this trip was going to go well so I packed enough to last at least three days . Back out to get the dogs harnessed . I went thru pretty well the same routine as the first time . I put Mike up front again . I at least knew that there were lead dogs that went to the front of the team but I had forgotten to ask the old timer which dog that was so why did I put Mike in front ? He looked like a full blood husky to me so I figured he should be the lead dog . Did that make since ? Maybe not to someone who knew what they were doing but it made since to me . I finally got them all harnessed with the ring over the stake , again . This time I moved the sled close enough to hook the traces to it . I hooked the grappling hook to the back of the sled . I swear the dogs knew this trip was going to be different because they were all jumping around , barking and lunging against their harness . I will admit that they probably knew more about what was going on than I did . I went back up to the porch and had another cup of coffee while I built up my nerve to try this one more time . I finally built my nerve up enough to go down , stand on the sled runners and slip the ring off the stake . Before I could say a word the dogs immediately started to pull . I started leaning to the right , like that would do any good and yelling " GEE " . It surprised me to no end that they actually started to turn to the right ! I was so surprised that I just stood there in wonder until I realized that now we were headed for the creek . I yelled " Haw " and sure enough they started turning to the right . Hell , maybe the old timer had been a mule skinner after all . One thing I was really happy about was that the sled had a brake . It was a simple brake but it wasn 't all that simple to use . There was a bar attached to the back of the sled that had a couple of prongs , one at each end . It had metal pieces at each end that were drilled and attached to the sled with a couple of bolts with the bar being held up with a couple of buggy cords . All you had to do was step on the bar and it would dig the prongs into the snow and slow you down , not too hard to explain how it worked but it proved to be a lot harder to make it work . The sled runners had what looked like a couple of pieces of bicycle tires on the top for you to stand on and trying to lift your foot of them and step down on the brake bar without falling off was a lot easier said than done . I had to learn quickly though because by the time we had reached the edge of the yard those dogs were starting to pick up speed . The first time I tried to use the brake my other foot slipped off the runner and I found myself hanging on to the top bar for dear life and trying to run to keep up with the sled . Now I 'm not a runner , never have been and never will be and trying to run behind a dog team while you 're wearing heavy boots , enough cloths to keep warm and a big quilted parka is really hard ! Plus while I was trying to keep up I was also trying to hop on one leg while trying to stomp on the brake bar with the other . I 'm glad that they didn 't have reality shows and that there was no one I had to go up and get them untangled after my unscheduled stop . The problem was with the brake . As soon as I took my foot off it , it popped back up which meant that if the dogs decided to take off while I was getting them sorted out there would be nothing to stop them . I actually stood there for a few minutes with my brain sparking trying to think of some way I could keep them from running off before I remembered the grappling hook . Duh , I was really batting a thousand that day . I took the hook and stomped one of the prongs into the snow and prayed that would hold them . Once I got them sorted out I put the hook back on the rail and off we went again . After a couple of mile I kind of had the brake problem figured out and I was getting better at just mashing it down enough to slow them without stopping them . To tell the truth I was starting to feel a little cocky . Now that I was getting the hang of it I didn 't think this was going to be a problem and was giving myself hell for being worried about it . We were cruising along the trail ( slowly ) , the dogs were pulling well and I really didn 't think this driving a dog them was all that hard . I was already thinking about my next trip and how much I could load in the sled and how long of a trip I could make when we broke out of the woods and started across a large clearing and the dogs started picking up speed again . I was so busy daydreaming that it caught me by surprise and I almost fell of the runners again . I was trying to watch where we were going and step on the brake bar at the same time . The first time I step for the bar I missed and rammed my foot back in the snow almost pulling myself off . The team was heading off to the left toward where I knew there was a beaver pond and I yelled " Gee " to get them to straighten back out , but that was wrong and now they were really turning to the left . Now I was about half panicked and could not for the life of me remember the simple word to make them turn right . Thankfully the snow was a lot deeper and softer in the clearing I quit daydreaming and starting paying a lot more attention . I kept the pace a lot slower the rest of the day . Late that afternoon I started looking for a camping spot . I figured we were about ten miles from the cabin . I wasn 't going anywhere in particular so there was no rush and I could stop any place I wanted . I set up camp at the edge of a patch of woods and the first thing I did was stake the dogs out and feed them . I strung a rope between two tress and hooked there chains to it . I was a little worried about them not having any kind of shelter even though I knew they were outside dogs . I gathered as much fire wood as I could and built the fire close enough that I hoped they would be able to get at least a little of the heat . My bed that night was just some pine boughs on the snow and my sleeping bag . I had a small tent with me but did feel like messing with putting it up that night . My bag was good to about thirty below and I didn 't think it was going to get near that cold . I lay awake for quite awhile that night going back over the entire trip and trying to think of anything I needed to do different . It got a bit colder that night than I had planned on even though I still slept warm and snug in my bag . It had snowed some more during the night and then frozen so there was a nice ice crust on the bag when I crawled out of it that morning . I worried more about the dogs when I looked over at the area where I had staked them . All I could see were fours mounds in the snow but as soon as I hollered at them all four dogs came popping up out of the snow seeming no worse for the wear . As cold as it was that morning and with the weather looking like it might blow up a storm I figured I 'd better head back to the cabin instead of taking a chance on being caught out with the dogs . I had brought enough food to last them at least four days but I 'd seen storms that could last most of a week and just didn 't want to take the chance . I dug my pan out and melted enough snow to give them plenty of water and after a couple of cupI finally got them rigged up and pointed the right way . I climbed on the runners , got a good hold on the cross bar , yelled Mush ( I remembered the right word ) and we headed off toward home . I think it was because of the crust on the snow that morning ; I 'm not sure but for whatever reason the dogs seemed to pick up speed a little quicker . Maybe it was just because they knew we were going home and were in a hurry to get there . After a mile or so I was getting a little full of myself thinking I had finally gotten the hang of this and I let them pick up more speed . I had been really careful the day before and had spent most of the day riding the brake . Now that I felt like I knew what I was doing I was enjoying the fell of speeding across the snow so I kept my foot away from the brake and yelled for them to go even faster . I know there are people that really do know what they 're doing and are able to let dog teams run as fast as they can for as long as they can , even teams that were twice the size of mine , unfortunately I wasn 't one of them . I don 't know how fast we were going when all of a sudden the dogs jogged really hard to the left . Of course the sled made that same jog but I can 't say the same for me . The sled leaned up on one runner and I was sure it was going to fall over . More importantly my foot slipped off the runner and my hands were slipping on the bar . The next thing I knew I had a face full of snow . I had lost my grip on the bar and ended up ten or fifteen feet to the side of the trail . I pushed myself on my hands and looked for the sled . The good news was that it hadn 't turned over ; the bad news was that it was three fourths of the way across the meadow and did show any signs of slowing down . I was yelling for the dogs to stop all the time I was getting back to my feet but by the time I was able to stand they were gone . I could hear them barking back in the trees and was hoping they would stop but the barking just kept fading away into the distance . Unless the sled got stuck in the brush or turned overI was facing a serious problem . I was wearing some good cold weather gear but other than a belt knife and my pistol that 's about all I had . I did have some smokes which meant I also had a lighter but no food , no shelter ; even my show shoes had been stored in the sled . I figured I was about nine miles from the cabin which is a nice easy walk down home in the summer time but when there 's about three feet of snow on the ground the temptiture is hanging out in the twenty 's and it looks like there 's another storm blowing in it seems a lot farther . At least the dogs had broken a pretty good trail so I wouldn 't have to plow through virgin snow . There wasn 't any reason to stand around thinking about it so I ducked my head and started walking . At least the dogs knew where they were going . I followed their trail all the way back to the cabin . I kept expecting to find the sled overturned and all of them standing in the trail around every bend but apparently they knew a lot more about traveling in the snow than I did . I finally came staggering to the cabin about midnight . I was soaked pretty well from head to toe and about frozen and there they were , lying out by their dog houses , with the sled standing behind them like they had parked it on purpose . No matter how cold I was or how hard it was to get my fingers working I had to unhook them from the sled and get them back on their chains . Then I had to feed them and build a fire so I could melt snow water . I took me about three times longer than normal because I was so tired and cold . I was at least smart enough to have melted extra water and left some of it to boil for coffee . That was a really rough night trying to get thawed out . I felt really bad the next day , my head was killing me , I felt like I was running a temptiture just generally aching all over but the dogs woke me with their barking just after sun rise . I did not want to get up . What I wanted more than anything in the world right then was to just spend the day in my bunk sleeping . I guess I could have done that as long as Ii didn 't mind the sled sitting outside still loaded or the dogs going without food or water . Needless to say I drug my sorry butt out of bed and went out to do my chores . I spent the next couple of days recovering and thinking about my dog team . I hated to admit it but I really had no idea what I was doing and even though I had learned a lot of things through the trial and error method I Just wasn 't sure about this one . Falling off the sled didn 't turn out as bad as it could have but I was looking at winter coming on and could expect to be alone for the next three to four months . I was also planning on doing some trapping that winter which is why I wanted the dogs to start with . The main thing I was worried about was that a nine mile hike during the fall weather was bad enough , what would happen during that winter if I screwed up again ? I could keep the dogs as just pets and try to practice more with the following summer . The bad thing with that idea was I knew myself a little too well and seeing that sled just setting in the yard all winter would drive me crazy and I had already made a couple of bad screw ups , I may not come out so well the next time . After a full week of going from " yes , I 'm going to keep them " to " no , I really don 't think I should " James showed up one morning . He had brought some supplies and decided to stay for lunch before heading on down the river . Over lunch I went through all the trials and tribulations I had been having with the dogs . He thought it was kind of funny and let me know that he hadn 't been sure what I was doing all the way back to when I ask him to bring them to the cabin for me . He said he really didn 't see any way I was going to learn how to handle a team and sled by the time winter set in but he didn 't want to butt in . I guess he was telling the truth because he dropped a bombshell on me then . He knew some people in Circle that knew not only how to work a team but also knew this team and would be more than happy to buy them from me . The way he talked , I 'd even be able to make a little profit from selling them . He had to finish his run down river but told me he would stop by the next day to see what I thought of the idea . I spent the rest of the afternoon playing with the dogs and trying to make up my mind . By the next day I had it figure out . When James came back by I sprung my plan on him . I would sell the sled , all the tack and three of the dogs : I would keep one of them with me as just a pet . I thought it was a great plan but James let me know that it was an all or nothing deal . I ended up talking him into spending the night while I thought it over . We ended up loading all the dogs and gear on his boat the next morning . Even with the short time I had them it was like saying goodbye to friends . I hated to let them go but I had to own up to the fact that since I didn 't know what I was doing it would be a danger not only to me but to the dogs as well . Plus , I have no idea how I would have been able to pick just one of them to stay . So my great plan of being a dog musher in the great north came to an end as I watched Pig and Joe bouncing and barking around the back of James 's boat as he headed back down the creek .

Billings and her husband both worked night shifts - he at Goodyear Tire and Rubber Co . and she at the Kansas Neurological Institute , 3107 S . W . 21st . After the storm passed , they left their children with a babysitter and headed to their workplaces . Billings was driving their car as they traveled along Interstate 70 . " It was completely dark and I wasn 't quite sure where everybody was , " Billings said . " There was a person missing , so we went out looking for that person and found him . Everybody was OK , but there was quite a bit of debris everywhere . It was a night I 'll always remember . " By the time she arrived , the weather had turned threatening , and they sought shelter in the basement of a family member 's home . They heard reports that a tornado had come over Burnett 's Mound in Topeka and destroyed some apartment complexes . Selvidge hoped her apartment and roommates were safe . The next morning , Selvidge drove to Topeka and couldn 't believe the devastation . She had to park her car and walk through the debris to get to the apartment complex , which had been leveled . Her roommates - all uninjured - were already there . Selvidge called the photographer and caterer to let them know the wedding was still on . The white eyelet wedding dress was cleaned . Her mother and sister , who lived in southwest Missouri , brought fabric scraps from the wedding dress and sewing supplies to create a new veil . The long slip she was to wear underneath the dress disappeared in the storm , so she wore a half - slip lengthened by a diaper sewn around its bottom edge . Gilbert Ramirez Sr . , who grew up in Oakland , was on the West Coast when he heard a tornado had hit Topeka . He was training at a U . S . Marine Corps base in California and getting ready to go to Vietnam for a second tour of duty . He had just come in from the field . " I got back to the barracks . We were so damn tired , " he said . " I always turned the radio on , and I kicked back in my rack . As I was dozing off , I heard a special bulletin come on the radio saying a tornado had just hit Topeka , Kan . " Ramirez asked his buddies if they had heard the report ; they hadn 't . Growing nervous , he ran over to another barracks where his friend , George Garcia , who had grown up in East Topeka , was assigned . They decided to go to the nearest telephone booth and call home . Ramirez was able to reach his sister - in - law , who said his family 's house was damaged but still standing and his loved ones were OK . She described how other buildings in the neighborhood were destroyed . Garcia was able to connect with his parents and learned his home also sustained damage . The Morrises left the country club to try to get home , concerned for their children 's safety . Their typical route along S . W . Burlingame Road was blocked by debris , so they went south to Interstate 470 as daylight began to wane . " We were delighted the kids were fine , and we felt so blessed when we got home . We had friends who lost everything , so we couldn 't help but feel guilty . There was so much pain going on . " The day of the tornado , my husband , who was in the Air Force , our 4 - year - old daughter and I had gone to a restaurant on S . W . Topeka Boulevard . They had a small black - and - white TV on the wall . We hadn 't been there long when we heard a tornado was approaching Topeka from the southwest . We were living in East Topeka 's Belmont addition . That night , the Forbes Air Force Base sent airmen out to help , looking for downed power lines , broken gas mains and possible looters . Our neighborhood had very little damage . In 1971 , we were sent to Japan . While riding our bikes to check out the housing area , we saw a car being prepped at the hobby shop . The windows of the car were covered with newspapers from The Topeka Daily Capital , all about the June 8 , 1966 , tornado . Who would have thought after that many years and that far away . Brown 's mother was a member at the nearby Church of the Living God . When they went to the corner where the church sat , all she remembers seeing is rubbish . They figured they were in the right spot when they recognized an intact toilet and a Bible used by her mother . For shelter , our family went two houses east to our neighbors who had a basement . At that time , there was one house about halfway up the mound . It was painted blue . I watched the tornado come over the mound to engulf the house . The house , intact , rose up off of its foundation , rotated counter - clockwise turning 180 degrees and at about 50 feet above the ground exploded into pieces . After we heard the tornado go past , my neighborhood friends and I ran south toward the destruction on the other side of Polk Elementary School . Just the sort of thing a bunch of 12 - year - old boys would do , of course . We witnessed the total destruction of the neighborhood south of S . W . Huntoon , all the way to the old fairgrounds on S . W . 17th Street . It was such a shock seeing the world we knew completely gone . We heard the National Guard was shooting looters in the damaged areas of downtown , and we all ran there , naturally . We didn 't see any looters being shot . People didn 't really do that kind of stuff in 1966 in Topeka . The next day , I remember making the most money ever with my job of selling the Blue Streak , the latest edition of the afternoon newspaper - with a blue stripe on its left side by the fold - that was sold by corner vendors only on downtown streets . As soon as I would get all the papers I could carry and head on up to Kansas Avenue , people would immediately buy three , four or even a half dozen papers . I think I sold three or four armloads of papers that day and almost that many the next day , too . Midway during the dinner on the second floor of the cafeteria , I heard the tornado sirens sounding . After what seemed like 5 to 10 minutes , the staff came to tell us we would need to go to the basement because of the storm . However , it was too late , and all we could do was lie down on the floor as the windows were shattering and dishes were blowing off the shelves . The tornado seemed to last only a few seconds , and then everyone headed for the exit . The cars on the street were overturned , and some lying on top of each other . All the burglar alarms on the downtown stores were going off because of the damage and broken windows . A lady was on her hands and knees on the sidewalk across the street injured and bleeding . I remember just wandering around aimlessly for probably 30 minutes , not having any idea what to do . It finally came to me that I should try to get home . I climbed over broken boards , stepping on nails , and crawled over trunks of fallen trees . I was about to my apartment when I walked past my mom and brothers , who had walked from their house at S . W . 13th and Washburn to try to find me . I was in such a state of shock that I didn 't even recognize them until they said my name . The next morning , Monaghan and his wife picked me up at the Schwartz house so we could retrieve the valuables from his office . I had attended Washburn University earlier that year and was overwhelmed with the destruction I witnessed as we drove past . The landscape in all directions was so cluttered with debris it seemed unreal . Rutherford reported a tornado on the ground heading northeast just north of Harveyville Road , about 8 miles west of Auburn . Ross advised Rutherford to inform the National Weather Service at Philip Billard Municipal Airport . However , the NWS radar didn 't indicate the tornado 's presence , and no reports of its existence had been made by law enforcement personnel or NWS - trained storm spotters . " One week after the tornado , two men from the National Weather Service in Denver , Colo . , came to WIBW to talk to my father . They were furious that the TV station had given the ' take cover ' warning before the weather bureau had activated the sirens and told the station to broadcast warnings . Dad said they were in his office for about an hour , preparing to reprimand the station in some way . … When they left the office , they were ( rightfully ) praising WIBW for the service it had provided and the lives it had obviously saved . " The night of the tornado , I was meeting with some of my business associates at the Caravan Club on S . W . Huntoon Street . My attorney , Dick Pringle , was there and one of my business associates . All of a sudden ( there was ) this roar . It sounded like a train coming , and Dick Pringle looked at me and said , " Man , listen to that heater or air conditioner . It sounds like it 's about ready to blow up . " And I stopped because I 've been in two tornadoes before - one at Fort Riley when I was in the service , and one out by Council Grove when I was about 4 or 5 years old . I said , " My God , that 's the tornado . " So we headed for the bathroom , and we lay down on the floor . There were no windows at the Caravan Club . It was ( made of concrete ) block and you could feel the ( concrete ) bouncing up and down . We found out later there were two - by - fours that had been driven through the roof . We went outside and looked around on the east side of the building . There was a liquor store on the corner about 20 yards east . It was still there , but all the windows were gone on three sides . We could hear people screaming from the south . Trees were down , and there was a brand new Oldsmobile ( sitting up against the building ) . ( The owner ) didn 't see any scratches on it . He put his wife or girlfriend in the car , slammed the door and the glass just disintegrated like it was sand . After the tornado struck Topeka , then 24 - year - old Vera Webster and her mother went out into their yard at 1295 S . W . Mulvane to find car antennas stuck into the ground , as if they had been thrown like javelins . Insulation , red roofing tiles from Washburn University and pots and pans littered the ground . When they turned on their television set for the latest storm news , they heard the city 's hospitals were asking staff to report for duty to help the injured . Webster was a registered nurse at St . Francis Hospital ; her mother was a nurse 's aide there . They couldn 't drive their car through the debris to get to the hospital , but they were able to hitch a ride on a National Guard truck . Webster said she was assigned to a woman who was so caked with dried mud that it took a while to bathe her . She cleaned away the mud , revealing a number of small cuts on the woman 's body . The dried mud had acted as a protective coat over the wounds . " When the alert came out , he was in Topeka at the station . It cost 10 cents to call Auburn , " said Stanwix , now 83 . " He was talking to a young operator and trying to call me . " Stanwix sustained an injury the night of the tornado when she was running through their home , rounding up children and directing them to get under the pool table in their basement . One of the children noticed her toe was " pointing east and west . " She had run into a wrought - iron footstool and broken her toe . The Hendersons owned a rental apartment house at 835 S . E . Jefferson but were temporarily living in a basement - less house in the 900 block of Jefferson . When WIBW - TV announcer Bill Kurtis issued his " For God 's sake , take cover " plea , Henderson and her daughter ran to the rental property , where they and the tenants gathered in the basement . Their temporary living quarters was still standing , but all of its windows were broken . Shards of glass , insulation and mud covered its interior ; some areas were water - soaked . Henderson and her family stayed that night at her mother 's home in North Topeka , eventually renting and then buying a home . She still has a dresser salvaged from the tornado - damaged home . Walls blown away . Bare kitchen cabinets after supplies had been sucked out by the force of the wind . Refrigerator open , with eggs uncracked in the door shelf . An upright piano that had been moved from one room into her mother 's bedroom . A lawnmower that had been lifted from the basement and set down in the living room . A horse trough lying in the house . Asbestos insulation everywhere . When she heard about the tornado coming over the mound , Huncker , then 23 , got into her car and tried to drive from her home in Park South to her mother 's house , dodging debris to get as close as possible . A policeman wouldn 't let her drive into the area and told her two people had been killed . She ran up the road to her mother 's house , stepping over dead ponies and cows that had been carried from the Ray White Pony Farm , property across the street owned by Dean 's parents . The house looked like it had exploded . The only person home during the tornado was her stepbrother , Jim White , a senior at Washburn Rural High School , who had sought shelter in the basement . Her stepfather also had gone to the house to check on Jim , who was unharmed . " My mom found a swimsuit and a pair of tennis shoes in the swimming pool . Her nightgown was hanging from the rafters , " she said . " Dean found a blue shirt in the rafters . That 's all they had . " The Whites decided to rebuild and had walls for their new home up by June 15 . But it wasn 't the same . They lived there for a few years , then built a new home on S . W . Auburn Road . I was 18 years old in ' 66 when the tornado went through . The next day , I worked at Crosby Brothers downtown in the young men 's department , and it took forever trying to get in because of National Guard security and so forth . And all day , I sold one pair of socks . I 've lived here since ' 58 , and for years and years and years you could go on Burnett 's Mound and see where ( the tornado ) went . During the storm we went down to the basement and hid under the stairway . After the storm , there was not a window left in the house . They were completely blown out . We had a cabinet in the kitchen that had dishes in it , and it had doors on it . After the storm , we went to this cabinet to get some dishes out of it and it had opened the door on the cabinet ( and ) deposited a bunch of tar from some kind of a roofing project . It had not broken any of the glasses or any of the dishes in that cabinet . The other thing that it did was it left a big two - by - four through the bed . Dad owned Mulligan Transfer and Storage in Topeka . A lot of people as soon as ( the tornado ) was all over , they were out assessing damage . They started calling Dad to come and help move their things out of the damaged home because it was supposed to start raining that night and they had suffered enough damage and didn 't want any more damage to their property . They wanted to salvage what they could . So Dad got his crews together . They took two trucks out . They worked all night long into the morning . They came home , rested and went back out the next day . A lot of it went into the warehouse , a lot of it stayed in the trucks because we were running out of room . My little sister and my mom and dad , we went to the Jayhawk Theater in downtown Topeka and they stopped the movie . They warned us that a tornado was approaching quickly . They hurried and ushered us to the hallway . We had to line up with our backs against the hallway wall . We could hear the horrible rumbling - the wind , the stillness and it seemed like it passed . When the all - clear sounded , people came out slowly onto the street . My mom and dad had a 1966 Chevy Impala Super Sport . It was white . We got into the car , and sure enough after Daddy put us girls in the back seat he looked behind and there was a huge tree ( that had ) fallen right behind our back bumper . It could have easily crushed our car . The tornado hit first in the southwest part of the town and hopped , skipped and jumped over to the northeast . So all ( the disaster relief ) attention went to that first section that was hit . The Mennonites , however , came in - they were fully prepared for a disaster . They bring in their own food , their own water , all their own gas - powered tools . They require nothing from the community . They are totally self - sufficient and very well trained . They immediately went to East Topeka , which was hard hit and being ignored . They did an absolutely fantastic job . And then as everybody got organized and things got put in place and recovery services were functioning , they just quietly left , and I don 't think they 've gotten as much credit as they deserved . I was 8 years old when the June 8 tornado hit , and my family , my brothers and I lived out on S . W . Fairlawn Road . It was a gravel road at the time between about S . W . 49th and Fairlawn . ( My mom ) worked downtown at Clark School of Business , and my dad was a ranch manager for Don Hoag . Dad sent us all to the basement , and being the typical Kansan , he stood out on the front porch of our house . My brother and I went to our ground - level basement windows and were looking out . You could actually see trees leaning all the way over and things flying vertically through the air . We lived close to Palmer 's Dairy , and they had a large herd of cattle out on the pasture . They were concerned about the cattle being out there . After the storm was all over , my dad got in a truck to drive and make sure everything was OK in the neighborhood . Dave said the tornado had actually lifted ( the cows ) up and set them down . Not one of them was harmed , but they gave bloody milk for several weeks afterwards . June 8 was my mother 's birthday , so our family was in Gage Park having a picnic - mother , father , myself and two siblings and a girlfriend named Judy . We were wrapping up the picnic . The sirens went off . Judy had driven . She and I jumped into her car , and I headed out not knowing what the sirens were about . We got as far as 1817 S . W . McAlister . Things were flying around , and Judy said . " I think I know who lives here , " so we jumped out of the car , knocked on the door . Whoever they were let us in the basement , and we looked out the basement window and we saw , not the funnel part , but all of the extra - big chunks of houses and things . It was absolutely paralyzing . Our home was at 1401 S . W . Buchanan . It was one block north of Central Park Grade School . All of the family was in the basement except for my brother ( Larry ) . He was down the block at another family 's basement . Most of ( our ) house caved in on top of us , and my father and my older brother had to climb out of the basement window and then go around the house and try to get to some sort of an opening to be able to get the rest of us out of the basement . And when we came out , it was just total devastation . I mean there was no roofs on the buildings , buildings all around us were completely gone . You didn 't even find the street , hardly . In a moment 's time , it was just total annihilation of your home . Everything you thought you had was just gone . In ' 66 , I was working for Mercantile National Bank , which was at 5th and S . Kansas at that time . I was data processing supervisor . That day , after they 'd given us the warning the tornado was coming , I sent my key punch operators and so on downstairs to the basement vault , and keeping an eye out the window , ( I tried ) to power the computer down because at that time you had to do it in sequence or you lost everything . Then , soon as I look out the window , I saw the tornado was hitting the Capitol building . I decided I better get myself downstairs , too . I was at Walgreen 's store between 8th and 9th on S . Kansas Avenue having a cup of coffee . They had a radio and we heard ( the tornado ) was coming . Like an idiot , I was going to sit there , but the store manager made us go to the back of the store and down a little set of stairs . When I came ( upstairs after the storm ) , the booth where I was sitting had a two - by - four lying across it . And my friend 's car - it was parked right out front - the windshield and the back windows were both out . We ended up walking back to Forbes ( Air Base , where ) I was stationed . My dad was transferred from Mobile Pipeline to Topeka in ' 66 . They were buying a house the day the tornado hit Topeka . They had two of them in mind . They didn 't buy the one in west Topeka . They bought the one in Highland Park . The west Topeka house flew away in the tornado . I was 9 years old . It was on my dad 's birthday . He was out of town traveling , so it was my mom and four of us kids at home . I was the oldest of four ; the youngest was 4 months old . We had a basement , but our neighbors across the street didn 't , so they came over with their family ( when the sirens went off ) . What I remember most was the noise and everything breaking . My mom 's head was right next to mine . She screamed , I screamed , and we never heard each other . The feeling of being sucked up off the floor after ( the tornado ) passed was really terrifying . After it was over , we just kind of looked up at blue sky , and when we walked out everybody 's faces were just blank . Nobody was crying . Nobody was hysterical . Everybody was just like a bunch of zombies . We lived at 1518 S . W . Washburn , corner of 16th and Washburn . I had a new child who was not quite 1 year old yet . We had gone to the basement , and then it dawned on me I didn 't have the diapers and the bottle , water and food that we needed for our daughter , so I went back upstairs and gathered everything and looked out the window and the wind was blowing . I had a glass Madonna sitting in our window . When it was all over , ( we went ) back upstairs . All of our windows were blown out . My husband 's garage was completely gone , and a great big tree branch had come through the window where the Madonna was sitting . Why she wasn 't destroyed I don 't know , but she still sits on my window . I was born and raised in Topeka and was 14 when the tornado hit . My family was living on S . W . 38th St . Terrace at the time , which was just inside the city limits . That day I was caddying at Topeka Country Club and remembered how the weather changed dramatically that day . It started out damp and rainy , turned hot and muggy in the afternoon , and by evening it changed again . When the sirens went off , I went to my bedroom window and saw the tornado hit just south of Burnett 's Mound . The sky was kind of a green hue at that time . Being that close yet far enough away , we figured we were not going to get hit . My brother , my dad and I went to our front porch and saw it wipe out the houses located near the mound and saw it jump and tear apart everything in its path . Debris was going everywhere . In the days that followed , my neighborhood friends and I rode our bikes to the mound and looked over the path of destruction . As others have probably said , you could look from one end of Topeka to the other . The apartments south of Gage Blvd . and S . W . 29th were totally gone . The Taylor family home on June 8 , 1966 , was at 3001 S . W . Atwood , just one block south of S . W . 29th St . My memories of the tornado begin on that evening with the usual great supper mom prepared for the Taylor family - my brother Chuck , dad ( Jess ) , myself and mom ( Jean ) . We were in the family room , adjacent to the kitchen . We were watching the TV . We had the CBS affiliate KCMO - Channel 5 on from Kansas City . The color signal was much better on Channel 5 than the CBS affiliate in Topeka , WIBW - Channel 13 . We were watching " Lost in Space . " We never had any warning of the impending disaster . Dad noticed a lot of noise - like things hitting the side of the house much louder than hail - on the west side of the family room . Even with the air conditioner on , it seemed hot and stuffy . Dad got up to open the back door of the family room , and I was seated at the dinner table in such a way that I could see what dad was staring at . It was a dark cloud of mass , moving with swirling debris , heading toward us having already hit and devoured the Huntington Apartments , just west and across the creek behind our house . Dad would later tell me of the evil of that sight . He thought of the evil , violent , forces of nature , tornados , floods and the massive destructive effects of those forces on mankind . … Just as I reached the second step that led down the stairs to the basement / garage , the refrigerator from the kitchen blew into the doorway and slammed shut any return to the family room . I was the last Taylor family member through the basement door that led to the garage ; it was a tri - level house . Dad ordered mom to the front seat and Chuck and I into the back seat . Mom and dad were able to snuggle under the dash , and Chuck and I took the " duck and cover " positions in the rear - seat footwells . Why was all or part of mom 's new white 1966 Ford Mustang Coupe not crashing into the garage as well ? It was parked just outside , closest to those rocks next to the walkway steps . The rear window of the station wagon that was part of the rear door / tailgate was broken and shattered into a million small pieces . Then I remember looking up to see one of those large pieces of rock from the walkway steps hovering above my brother . I quickly " caught " it and gently put it down on the rear seat so that it would not harm my brother . Of course , the other moment that was eerie was when the tornado was directly over us . Just as everyone else has described the sound of the tornado , is like 1 million jets . It had that sound and thunder , but because it was so large it also had a scary silence in the " eye " of the tornado . Sunlight came in , and the strange silence occurred . The sunlight caught the moment of dust particles and such gently floating around us , no more shattering glass , and you almost believed for a fraction of a second that " it " was over . Again the sunlight came in … and the devastation of our former home would be discovered as we got out of the station wagon . Chuck and I helped dad open our garage door . Of course , the first thing we noticed was mom 's new Mustang was gone . Completely gone ! Until we looked to our left and noticed the tangled and crumpled remains of the car in our neighbor 's garage . Parts of her Mustang were reported being found as far away as Perry . Mom would never drive a car that " light " again . Her replacement car was a Ford Thunderbird Coupe . The Kansas Army National Guard was in our neighborhood within minutes to provide security for the area . Kansas Power and Light crews were not that far behind to shut off the electricity and natural gas lines . The KP & L workers were trying to shut off the gas and secure the electricity lines as quickly as possible . They were yelling at all the neighbors not to step on the electric lines or " light - up " their cigarettes . … The Red Cross vehicles and volunteers showed up not long after that . They told us to go to Bishop Elementary School , just up and around the bend from our home on Atwood Street … I had no shoes for that journey , so my socks were soaked with mud and debris . … Nightfall was soon approaching , so we headed up to Bishop Elementary . The Red Cross already had everything prepared and set up for us in the Bishop Elementary gymnasium , with cots to sleep on , hot food , soft drinks and restroom facilities . They had clean fresh clothing , dry socks and flip - flop shoes , as if they already knew what we needed . There was some storm damage to the building , but it was serviceable for that night . It was actually a good night . No TV or radio , but the Taylor family was safe . We were still alive , not physically hurt , except for the nail puncture in mom 's foot . It was quickly taken care of by the Red Cross nurse , who bandaged the wound and gave mom a tetanus shot . The tornado is an experience that shaped all of our lives . We lost everything material , but we still had our family , friends and our community , which all came together through the tragedy . As mom and dad would tell Chuck and I , all of our physical belongings and possessions - the contents of our home - were easy to replace . We had insurance for full coverage on the home ; it would be rebuilt . Mom 's new car … and the station wagon would be repaired . Our lives were not replaceable ; they were priceless . We got up the next day and headed back to our home on Atwood Street . We soon discovered the hopelessness of salvaging anything from the complete devastation . It was as if everything left was permeated with fine bits of wood and assorted debris . Mom would later try to wash up some clothes , but to no avail . … Dad recovered a statue of a paratrooper - an award he had received as a Green Beret airborne paratrooper - that was on the top of what was left of our stone fireplace mantle , untouched by the storm . Mom recovered some Taylor family heirloom dishes that had not been pulverized by the tornado . As mom would later describe , she would attempt to pick up something from the rubble , like an adding machine , and it would crumble in her hands to dust . Our house was dead center in the storm . All other houses on our street to the left and right were damaged . … It was as if the structures of our neighbors ' homes were Lego blocks going up at a 45 - degree angle , so from a distance it looked like a " V ' configuration . Our home was in the center of that " V " configuration . It looked as if our home was ground zero of a nuclear bomb . " It 's just a real memorable experience , " she said . " When a tornado 's on top of you , you can 't take in any air . It seems like forever , but it 's just a few seconds . And you 're just gasping . " " Everyone pretty much respected the tornados , so we had cellars or basements , " she said . " I lived at my grandmothers ' with my mom and aunt and uncle . All of us had gone to the basement when the sirens blew , but my husband stayed upstairs to watch . " I could see the walls bending and flinging back and forth , like a piece of straw , " she said . " When the tornado was over , that wall was leaning against our house . It was devastated . " " To this day , I still get choked up talking about it . Life goes on , and you learn from things . I 'm not scared of tornados , but I sure respect them , " she said . " It makes you real respectful . " I grew up at 1723 S . W . Buchanan ( 3 blocks east of Washburn and one block south of Byron ) . I was 15 years old and took cover at my neighbor Joe Konrade at 1719 S . W . Buchanan . I don 't know what the out - lying winds are of a F - 5 tornado , but the house ( roof , foundation and windows ) was shaking violently . That was the only time in my life I felt helpless ! It was strong enough to drop a mature elm on the folks porch and car . The yards in our block were full of pieces from the Washburn building , and we found three body parts from the same car in our yards . I didn 't see a funnel , just black . The tornado changed the neighborhoods / urban renewal . Lane street ran straight north from 17th . Fifteenth ran through to Central Park . Washburn and Lane were two way streets . There were three ponds in Central Park ( filled in ) Buchanan ran north to 13th . ( Central Park / Robinson ) The old school faced east on Buchanan where the tennis courts are . I saw some empty basements with no house ( so much for shelter ) . Cars in the second floor . There was a house upside down in the foundation . I thought the chain saws would never stop . People started moving out . The concrete water tower downtown ( by McDonalds and Hanovers ) didn 't budge . My dad , Harold Branaman , was the assistant general foreman of the Santa Fe storehouse at that time . What a mess . He already had delt with the 1951 flood . On June 8 , 1966 , my mom , sister and I went to the movies . There were storm warnings , and we were moved into basement for a short time . After the all - clear , we drove down I - 70 to the Gage exit , but there were emergency vehicles blocking the exit . We pulled off the highway , and , as our eyes adjusted to the dark , we realized there was nothing but devastation and sparking electrical wires . The next morning , we were allowed into our neighborhood . We recognized our " home " by a yellow toilet sitting on a pile of debris . My younger sister cried for our dachshund puppy , who had been left in the home . I cried for my brand new Mustang , which was still sitting in the tangled devastation . But we were lucky . Our neighbors died . My dad rebuilt the house in the same spot . In 1969 , I married a Kansas farm boy . But I really do miss that Mustang ! The evening of June 8 , 1966 , found myself , my wife , Sharon , and our daughter , Melinda , driving south on US - 75 highway . We had received a call and were on our way to Lake Pomona to remove our boat from the dock . We had been informed by neighbors there it appeared in danger of sinking . We had just passed " four corners , " as we looked to our west there was a dark ominous cloud . As we watched it , a small triangular or funnel shape flicked out of the bottom and then disappeared . We pulled to the side of the road and watched . The small funnel flicked down and disappeared several more times . Then , what looked like the whole bottom to the cloud seemed to drop down to the ground . Within just a minute or two , a heavy rain began between us and the tornado , obliterating our vision . Sharon said , " We need to get out of here . " We discussed whether we should turn around and head for home or to proceed . We decided it was too late to accomplish anything by heading home , so we proceeded on to Pomona . Moving south should also probably take us out of the path of the oncoming tornado . It seemed like a long time before the warning was issued on the radio , but it was probably no more than a few minutes . Before we got to the cabin , reports started coming in , and it was clear that Topeka was being hit hard . As soon as we got to the family cabin , Sharon got on the phone to let her parents , who lived north of Silver Lake , know we were OK . I called my parents , who lived in the Potwin area , to let them know . My dad said , " Good , but I don 't know if you have a house left . " We finished our work at the lake and headed for home . By this time , it was almost dusk . The reports were coming in on the radio , and we knew it was bad and had possibly hit our area . By the time we got to Topeka , it was already dark . It took us several hours to work our way through the blocked streets surrounding the devastated areas and find a path that would allow us to present a driver 's license and reach our home , which at that time was just three doors south of S . W . 17th and Webster . It was still there and had not sustained any damage . The next day , we found lots of small debris , mostly insulation , and some canceled checks from Manhattan . Two days later on June 10 , our second daughter , Melissa , was born . As a child , she was somewhat of a " whirlwind , " and we always said it was because she blew in with the tornado . It was Wednesday , and it was raining . At breakfast , my husband and I were discussing what to do with our three children to make the day interesting and fun . We always enjoyed going to the Dyche Museum of National History at Kansas University in Lawrence . We decided to make a day of it and have lunch there and visit one of our favorite places . We arrived at the museum shortly after 1 : 30 p . m . and spent the day studying the animals and habitats in the diorama , seeing the fossils and dinosaurs on the lower floor . The kids loved to see Comanche , the horse who survived Custer 's last stand at Little Big Horn . Then , we always saved the live snake exhibit of last . What a wonderful variety of snakes to observe and study in Kansas . About 4 : 30 p . m . we made a visit to the museum gift shop and let Liz , Leslie and Jeff each pick out a souvenir . Then , around 5 : 30 p . m . , we headed for home . We heard on the car radio that the weather might turn severe , and by the time we reached our house ( directly across I - 470 from Burnett 's Mound ) , the sky was looking very formidable . Liz heard Bill Kurtis say to take cover in the southwest corner of the lowest level of your home , and as looked out of our picture window in the living room toward Burnett 's Mound , she said , " I hope I get to see a tornado … I 've never seen one ! . " Just then we saw tiny tails of twisters hanging below the approaching huge black cloud . Little did we know that the whole black cloud we were watching was the tornado , dragging its tail behind where we could not see it . By 7 : 10 p . m . , Bill Kurtis made his famous statement , " For God 's sake , take cover ! " Phillip ushered all of us to the basement , and we huddled in the southwest corner . By this time , we could hear the roar of the storm above the sirens . It was one of the only times I ever saw Phillip with fear in his eyes . Just then , the kids yelled , " The cat is in the window well . " I ran up the stir , opened the back door , grabbed the frightened cat out of the window well and ran back down the basement stairs . Then we heard the roaring , the banging of doors and I guess objects hitting the side of the house . Almost as quickly as it had approach , it passed , and everything was so quiet , and so very cold . We were afraid to open the basement door . Was our house gone ? Phillip went upstairs with the movie camera and filmed the tornado as it snaked it say through the middle of town . It looked white , and not nearly as big as it had from the front side . The people at Philip Billard Airport weather station were all under their desks reporting the movement of the storm as he headed straight for them . Bill Kurtis kept repeating his warning , " For God 's sake , take cover . " I took the binoculars outside to see what i could see in the way of damage to the neighborhood . I was horrified to see the rubble , and very few houses still standing in the next block over from our house . I started walking toward our neighborhood school , and it was hard to tell where the street was - it was full of debris I began to fear that I was going to see bodies . There was a high chair , clothing , pieces of houses , spewing water and gas lines . I began to really fear that everyone was dead or blown away . I walked all the way around the school , and nothing else was recognizable so I headed for him . Then I saw members of two families we knew and asked if they were alright . They were OK but their houses were gone . I told them our house was still standing and invited them to come and stay with us , which they did . They jumped into their car and drove to Gage and Twilight , when the engine of their car died , from the vacuum created by the tornado . The tornado picked up their car and dropped it on the second floor of the Huntington Apartments . When everything got quiet , their son rose up in the backseat of the car and said , " Are we dead Daddy ? " When they went back to their house , they found that the whole house had caved in on top of the pool table they had huddled under , and it was crushed flat ! Similar things had happened all over town . Houses had blown into the southwest corners and after Jun 8 , 1966 , the weather people never again said to go to that corner of safety . People had always believed that a tornado wouldn 't core the mound , or the Kansas River . That was wrong too . One man down the street from us had ignored the take cover warning and was taking a shower . After the storm pass , he came to … a block away with no clothes on . It was so cold , he searched around for something he could put on . He finally found an old pair of huge overalls . Most everyone observed the warnings from TV and radio , and only 16 who did not , lost their lives . Bill Kurtis gained national recognition for his heroic broadcasting that night , and was offered many new jobs . His wife was at a concert at Washburn University that night , right in the path of the storm , but bill remained on duty through the whole storm , to warn the public . For over a week , we were without power , or phones . We had two families living with us , and we cooked on the charcoal grill in our fireplace . We did not get our car out of the garbage for about eight to nine days , because of all the downed trees , and debris in the streets . We cooked meals for the rescue workers and police , who were keeping looters out of the area . What a shock it was when we finally had news of all the devastation and saw it from the top of Burnett 's Mound . It was literally weeks before we knew all that had taken place . Liz promised Leslie and I and Jeff that she would never wish to see a tornado again . This one had changed history . It was Wednesday night . Church night . After a hurried dinner , dad hustled us four kids into the car for the 35 - minute drive south to our church in Scranton . Mom was sleeping . A nurse in the intensive care infant nursery at St . Francis Hospital , that night she was to work the 11 p . m . - to - 7 a . m . shift . As we set off for Scranton , the sky was looking pretty ominous and getting more so by the minute . Just south of Pauline , dad pulled the car off the highway . We got out of the car and could see a massive tornado . As we watched , it became clear the tornado was headed right toward our house . We all piled back into the car , and dad headed back into the city , staying clear of the tornado . Meanwhile , mom was awakened by a loud roar . Being a native Kansan , she immediately recognized the sound as an oncoming tornado . She quickly glanced at the clock - 4 p . m . She raced downstairs to find us and our babysitter , a neighborhood teen . But the house was empty . She checked the basement , the yard , everywhere . No one . She was getting frantic . She took a deep breath and reminded herself that the sitter , Carrie Gish , had a good head on her shoulders . She often took us outside to play , but no matter where we were she would have us as safe as possible . Then she noticed the clock in the kitchen - 6 p . m . Her bedroom clock had stopped . Knowing now that we all were on our way to Scranton and not playing outside somewhere in the middle of a tornado , she headed quickly to the basement . Dad pulled into the driveway of our house and told us to stay in the car while he checked on mom . He found her calmly folding clothes in the basement . Outside the winds accompanying the tornado were still pretty vicious and debris was flying past us constantly . I was only 8 years old , and by now I was totally terrified as the car kept rocking . Mom knew the hospital would need all the help they could get . The tornado appeared to be past so she took off in the pouring rain and high wind to report early for work . Dad returned to the car , and we once again tried to make it to church . Dad was the pastor and , of course , wanted to get there if possible . However , by now the streets had become impassable , and he soon gave up and we went home . Our house had debris all over the yard , and we had very minor roof damage . Perhaps I should mention our address : 2012 S . W . Washburn . Directly across the street from demolished Washburn University . Tornados are funny . If we had lived two blocks in any direction , our house would have been flattened . But we had essentially no damage at all . My parents always instilled in us a commitment to community . Mom used her nursing skills to help provide medical care for the injured . Dad provided spiritual care for those who needed it . I also remember mom sending us out many times with cold lemonade and cups for the work crews doing cleanup in our neighborhood . The ' 66 tornado also mortally wounded my grade school , Central Park . That fall , all the children were sent to other schools as a temporary solution . They tried hard to keep all the children of a family in the same school , but alas , my brother , sister and I were sent to three different schools . It was a crazy fall for my mother trying to get us all to three different buildings . There were several classes located in the gym at the school I was sent to . It was noisy , and there were many distractions . Thankfully , the school soon purchased some trailers , and we were all back at the location of Central Park school . Each classroom was in a different trailer . We lived this isolated educational life for several years until the new school was built . My sixth - grade class was in the new building . We were fishing on Mule Lake near Longville in northern Minnesota . The day was clear with mild winds and cool temperatures . The fishing camp was owned by Walt Bryant , who had retired from Goodyear to operate the facility . Our fishing had been terrific , with many nice walleye and Northern pike being netted . The next morning , we gave him our addresses . He would report back with damage results early the next day . We each had no damages but decided to head back to assist as well as we could . I wasn 't concerned about my pregnant wife , Sandy , as she had planned to be in Hays with her family on June 8 . However , my dad phoned me and was he disturbed ! She had not gone to Hays but had ridden out the tornado in the basement of our neighbor 's home near S . W . 25th and Fairlawn ( about four blocks north of the storm 's path ) . My dad said to get by butt home quickly . I understood ! We returned home late afternoon on June 9 and were shocked at what we saw . I had no sooner kissed and hugged my wife when I received a phone call from Mayor Chuck Wright . I had been elected as president of the Topeka Jaycees , and he asked us to help as best we could . I said I 'd do the best I could organizing the members who I could contact . Shortly thereafter , the phone rang again with a call from an Illinois Jaycee , who said they had a cargo plane loaded with appliances and supplies enroute to Forbes Field . They needed help unloading and storing the items . When the plane arrived at Forbes , I was shocked . All of the items were brand new and off the shelf . With help from Jaycees and the American Red Cross , we unloaded the plane and stored the items at warehouses in the Forbes area for later distribution . The Jaycee commented to me that their community felt they wanted to assist Topeka . This is my recollection of June 8 , 1966 . It was the summer before my senior year in high school . The evening of June 8 , I was home with my mother , Dorothy Larson , and my brother Larry . My dad , Clarence Larson , had taken my brother Rich with him to a job in Kansas City . My dad was an auditor for the state of Kansas . That evening , when the sirens did sound , my mother asked me to go across the street to get the neighbors . As I ran across the street , I looked to my left and saw dust and debris flying around high in a very weirdly colored sky . I am sure that if I had looked farther back , I would have seen the tornado heading our way . I am actually pretty glad that I didn 't . We didn 't see the tornado on our way back , being intent on getting into the basement . But I don 't think any of us were all that worried . We closed the basement door and went down the steps to join my mom , brother and several neighbors . I remember one of our neighbors had a little girl who was 3 or 4 years old . That little one had a bun or piece of bread with her . Poor little girl , she clutched that bread through the whole storm . The storm got very , very intense . We crawled under our pool table for safety , I guess in case the ceiling collapsed . When it was at its worst , I could feel a horrible vacuum in my ears . There was a sound like boulders crashing around overhead - that was our house being torn apart by the wind . When the tornado passed and all was quiet , someone smelled gas . So we thought we had better vacate the basement and house . A neighbor went up the stairs , opened the door and looked back at my mother with tears and said , " Oh , Dorothy , you just don 't have any house left ! " That is not something you ever want to hear . The house was a total loss . Destruction was spotty across the rest of the neighborhood , with some houses having lots of damage and some having little or none . Then the tornado hit Washburn University and really cut loose . We saw a friend 's father running down Randolph . When we asked him where Carol ( his daughter ) was , he said frantically , " I don 't know . I 'm trying to find her ! " I found out later that she had been at a meeting downtown , and he had run all the way there searching for her . Now that I think of it , I don 't know why I wasn 't at that meeting , because I belonged to the same group . Everyone who was in our basement was safe , and some could stay in their own houses . I am a bit ashamed to admit that I don 't remember the extent of damage to the surrounding houses . I remember spending the night in a neighbor 's home , and it seems like most of them got off with minimal damage . My dad and brother had heard about the tornado and came home . By the time they got home , the National Guard was in place , and , between them and the rubble in the streets , they had a little trouble getting to our house . I know we were all glad to see each other safe . We stayed that summer in one of the tiny duplexes on Washburn Avenue just south of S . W . 21st Street , where Henry T 's , University Chinese and Washburn Service Station now are . The manager was very nice , even appearing to believe my dad who told him we would stay there a long time . Obviously , we were only going to stay there until our house was rebuilt , but the man helped us when we really needed a house . We spent the rest of the summer clearing out debris . The house was rebuilt , with my dad giving a lot of input into the design . The house had to be totally torn down and cleared . We had a beautiful two - story home built on the same site . I had a large bedroom in the back , with windows looking out over Randolph . I picked out the most gorgeous blue for the walls . My uncle was a house painter , and The Topeka Daily Capital published a picture of him and my brothers all on the same ladder , stair - step fashion , painting the outside . We were interviewed by a reporter . My little brother , about 12 years old at the time , took the lead , giving a grand tour of the new house and making a cute statement : “… and the next time we get hit by a tornado . " Well , maybe not that cute . On June 8 , 1966 , we were headed to White Lakes Mall to do some shopping . We were in two cars because I was going to stop at the office to do some work when we were done shopping . My wife , Phyllis , had our three older sons with her , and I had our 1 - year - old son , Paul , with me . Phyllis drove into the Holiday Square Shopping Center , and I drove up beside her . She said , " A tornado is coming . Let 's go home to our basement . " I started west of S . W . 29th Street , with Phyllis in our other car behind me . About a half mile more or less of Brookwood Shopping Center , I saw the tornado and realized we were on a converging path . I drove into the parking lot on the east side of a one - story brick building that was under construction . Phyllis drove in behind me . I got Paul out of his car seat . Phyllis and our other three sons got out of the car she was driving . We all crouched down on the east side of the building . I took one last look and knew for certain we were directly in the path . We all started saying the Lord 's Prayer together . The tornado arrived before we finished saying it . As I looked down , I saw Paul was lying face down at my feet with a huge piece of brick wall covering him from the waist up . My thought was , " How can I possibly lift it off of him ? " I am not an unusually strong man . However , at that moment , the Lord gave me the strength to throw it off as easily as if it was made of Styrofoam . When I picked Paul up , there were two eyes looking at me out of a face full of mud . He did not even cry , but he did cling to me tightly . Even at that age , he knew something was not right . We walked over to S . W . 29th Street . There , we saw a woman who had survived in her bathtub . She was hysterical . A car that was driving by stopped to inquire about us . The man was a professional Boy Scouter . His wife and two children were with him . They all got in the front seat , and the six of us got in the back seat . He started toward the hospital , but , of course , he had to cross the path of destruction . Several times , he got out of the car to direct traffic while his wife drove through the limited space available . We finally arrived at the hospital and received fantastic care . We all had some injuries , none of which were life - threatening . Phyllis received the most severe injury with a slight concussion .

There were once two cousins living together at the same winter - station , and at the time , their wives were both childless . In spring they parted from each other , saying , " Well , we will see who first gets a child . " One traveled away to the south , and established himself for the coming winter . At this place he lived in prosperity , and his wife bore him a child . When the boy grew up , the father took a fancy to return to his cousin . He , however , had still no children ; and for this reason he caught a young deer , and trained it up for his amusement . At length it improved so much that it could understand human speech . About that period the cousin returned , and he first beheld the calf running about outside the house . The cousins once more lived together , and the boy and the calf became playmates . The calf , however , soon grew stronger , and sometimes knocked over the boy , at which he wept . For this reason the boy 's father went and shot the calf , though he loved his cousin dearly . The childless man got into a great rage at this , and at once challenged his cousin , and they met , armed with their bows ; the childless man shot his cousin on the spot , but was very much afflicted afterwards , and burst into a flood of tears . The son of the man that had been thus killed removed to a distance , for he could not endure the sight of his father 's cousin . When he was full - grown and strong he returned to the place , but he had come too late , the cousin was no more . He heard some rumor of an enormously strong man who used to rob other men of their wives ; he challenged him to a wrestling - match , and overcame and killed him , and returned the women to their own husbands . About the Children of Two CousinsAn Eskimo Legend It is said that Angangujuk 's father was very strong . They had no other neighbors , but lived there three of them all alone . One day when the mother was going to scrape meat from a skin , she let the child play at kayak outside in the passage , near the entrance . And now and again she called to him : " Angangujuk ! " and the child would answer from outside . And once she called in this way , and called again , for there came no answer . And when no answer came again , she left the skin she was scraping , and began to search about . But she could not find the child . And now she began to feel greatly afraid , dreading her husband 's return . And while she stood there feeling great fear of her husband , he came out from behind a rock , dragging a seal behind him . Then he came forward and said : " Where is our little son ? " " He vanished away from me this morning , after you had gone , when he was playing kayak - man out in the passage . " And when she had said this , her husband answered : " It is you , wicked old hag , who have killed him . And now I will kill you . " To this his wife answered : " Do not kill me yet , but wait a little , and first seek out one who can ask counsel of the spirits . " And now the husband began eagerly to search for such a one . He came home bringing wizards with him , and bade them try what they could do , and when they could not find the child , he let them go without giving them so much as a bite of meat . And seeing that none of them could help him , he now sought for a very clever finder of hidden things , and meeting such a one at last , he took him home . Then he fastened a stick to his face , and made him lie down on the bed place on his back . And now he worked away with him until the spirit came . And when this had happened , the spirit finder declared : " It would seem that spirits have here found a difficult task . He is up in a place between two great cliffs , and two old inland folk are looking after him . " Then they stopped calling the spirits , and wandered away towards the east . They walked and walked , and at last they sighted a lot of hThere were three brothers , the eldest of whom was called Angutisugsuk . They had never lived apart ; and all of them were clever hunters , especially Angutisugsuk . One winter the weather was dreadfully severe , and all the neighbors were in great want . Only the three brothers had enough to spare , and the others claimed their assistance . It so happened that two old men came to them with that intention ; and during their visit the wife of Angutisugsuk remonstrated , saying that they were having rather too many visitors about the place , at which the old men quickly took offence ; and in spring - time , when Angutisugsuk 's family left their winter - quarters , and were away on some long excursion , they visited the place in their kayaks , entered the empty house , and practiced all manner of sorcery and witchcraft upon the wall adjoining the ledge occupied by Angutisugsuk 's wife , in order to produce discord among the family when they came back from their travels . In autumn they all returned to the old house as usual . One day Angutisugsuk did not go out " kayaking " , but stayed at home to make a wooden plate and spoon . At that time he had got two wives , both of whom were very clever at needle - work ; and he offered to give her who would mend his fur jacket for him the wooden plate and spoon . The first wife made answer , before the second could put in a word , " I want to have them - - I will the jacket ; " and she worked very quickly on it . The second wife , however , who happened to be the best beloved , on her part became envious , and got into a passion . Perceiving this , the husband struck her , because of her having borne him no children . At this his youngest son began crying ; and seeing it , the child 's uncle fell upon the father , who was still ill - treating his second wife . In this fight Angutisugsuk thrust his brother against the door - sill with such force that his thigh - bone was bruised ; and he would have followed up his advantage over him but for the younger brother and some others , who interfered in the quarrel . Thus it came to pass as the old mThere was once an old man , and he had only one son , and that son was called Anarteq . But he had many daughters . They were very fond of going out reindeer hunting to the eastward of their own place , in a fjord . And when they came right into the base of the fjord , Anarteq would let his sisters go up the hillside to drive the reindeer , and when they drove them so , those beasts came out into a big lake , where Anarteq could row out in his kayak and kill them all . Thus in a few days they had their umiak filled with meat , and could go home again . One day when they were out reindeer hunting , as was their custom , and the reindeer had swum out , and Anarteq was striking them down , he saw a calf , and he caught hold of it by the tail and began to play with it . But suddenly the reindeer heaved up its body above the surface of the water , and kicked at the kayak so that it turned over . He tried to get up , but could not , because the kayak was full of water . And at last he crawled out of it . The women looked at him from the shore , but they could not get out to help him , and at last they heard him say : " Now the salmon are beginning to eat my belly . " And very slowly he went to the bottom . Now when Anarteq woke again to his senses , he had become a salmon . But his father was obliged to go back alone , and from that time , having no son , he must go out hunting as if he had been a young man . And he never again rowed up to those reindeer grounds where they had hunted before . And now that Anarteq had thus become a salmon , he went with the others , in the spring , when the rivers break up , out into the sea to grow fat . But his father , greatly wishing to go once more to their old hunting grounds , went there again as chief of a party , after many years had passed . His daughters rowed for him . And when they came in near to the base of the fjord , he thought of his son , and began to weep . But his son , coming up from the sea with the other salmon , saw the umiak , and his father in it , weeping . Then he swam to it , and caught hold of the paddle with which his fatAtarssuaq had many enemies . But his many enemies tried in vain to hurt him , and they could not kill him . Then it happened that his wife bore him a son . Atarssuaq came back from his hunting one day , and found that he had a son . Then he took that son of his and bore him down to the water and threw him in . And waited until he began to kick out violently , and then took him up again . And so he did with him every day for long after , while the child was growing . And thus the boy became a very clever swimmer . And one day Atarssuaq caught a fjord seal , and took off the skin all in one piece , and dried it like a bladder , and made his son put it on when he went swimming . One day he felt a wish to see how clever the boy had become . And said to him therefore : " Go out now and swim , and I will follow after you . " And the father brought down his kayak and set it in the water , and his son watched him . And then he said : " Now you swim out . " And he made his father follow him out to sea , while he swam more and more under water . As soon as he came to the surface , his father rowed to where he was , but every time he took his throwing stick to cast a small harpoon , he disappeared . And when his father thought they had done this long enough , he said : " Now swim back to land , but keep under water as much as you can . " The son dived down , but it was a long time before he came up again . And now his father was greatly afraid . But at last the boy came up , a long way off . And then he rowed up to where he was , and laid one hand on his head and said : " clever diver , clever diver , dear little clever one . " And then he sniffed . And a second time he said to him : " Now swim under water a very long way this time . " So he dived down , and his father rowed forward an the time , to come to the place where he should rise , and feeling already afraid . His faced moved as if he were beginning to cry , and he said : " If only the sharks have not found him ! " And he had just begun to cry when his son came up again . And then they went in to land , and the boy did not dive any more thaThis is told of Atdlarneq : that he was a strong man , and if he rowed but a little way out in his kayak , he caught a seal . On no day did he fail to make a catch , and he was never content with only one . But one day when he should have been out hunting seal , he only paddled along close to the shore , making towards the south . On the way he sighted a cape , and made towards it ; and when he could see the sunny side , he spied a little house , quite near . He thought : " I must wait until some one comes out . " And while he lay there , with his paddle touching the shore , a woman came out ; she had a yellow band round her hair , and yellow seams to all her clothes . Now he would have gone on shore , but he thought : " I had better wait until another one comes out . " And as he thought this , there came another woman out of the house . And like the first , she also had a yellow hair band , and yellow seams to all her clothes . And he did not go on shore , but thought again : " I can wait for just one more . " And truly enough , there came yet another one , quite like the others . And like them also , she bore a dish in her hand . And now at last he went on shore and hauled up his kayak . He went into the house , and they all received him very kindly . And they brought great quantities of food and set before him . At last the evening came . And now those three women began to go outside again and again . And at last Atdlarneq asked : " Why do you keep going out like that ? " When he asked them this , all answered at once : " It is because we now expect our dear master home . " When he heard this , he was afraid , and hid himself behind the skin hangings . And he had hardly crawled in there when that master came home ; Atdlarneq looked through a little hole , and saw him . And his cheeks were made of copper . He had but just sat down , when he began to sniff , and said : " Hum ! There is a smell of people here . " And now Atdlarneq crawled out , seeing that the other had already smelt him . He had hardly shown himself , when the other asked very eagerly : " Has he had nothing to eat yet ? " " No , he haTwo widows , having each a son , had chosen their winter quarters at no great distance from one another . Both of them happened to have several neighbors ; but though these principally consisted of rich and prosperous people , they did not think of assisting the poor orphans . Having lost their supporters , the widows suffered much from want , and they therefore admonished their young sons to be wise and kind to the other children , lest they should be deprived of the scanty help they now enjoyed . At last , however , the relatives furnished the orphans with kayaks . He who lived furthest south was named Aterfio , and the other one living to the north was called Sukalassok . They grew up to be much renowned for their strength and vigor . They always chose their hunting places far off the coast ; and even in hard weather and heavy gales went out , and never came home empty - handed . On their return they always used to give the orphans a plentiful repast , and had special stories of provisions set apart for orphan children against hard times . One day Aterfio had gone out hunting beyond the skerries and islands ; the wind was northerly and the sky clear . He had already got two seals , and , expecting to catch some more , he still rowed on , till all of a sudden he heard a noise , and turning round , beheld Sukalassok with raised arm aiming his harpoon at him . Not being able to make any resistance , he was obliged to await his fate ; keeping his eyes on him , he capsized his kayak towards him so as to make the harpoon only touch the side of it . As soon as he again had risen , the thought flashed through him to revenge himself on Sukalassok ; but he gave up the idea and turned towards home . On his arrival he did not mention the matter at all ; but sometime later , in a gale from the north , the same thing happened over again . He forbore to take revenge ; but this time told those at home that Sukalassok had twice attempted to kill him . But his mother bade him not to take revenge . " Never mind , " she went on ; " let him go on as he likes , only thou shun his compaAtungait , that great man , had once , it is said , a fancy to go out on a sledge trip with a strong woman . He took a ribbon seal and had it flayed , and forbade his wife to scrape the meat side clean , so that the skin might be as thick as possible . And so he had it dried . When the winter had come , he went out to visit a tribe well known for their eagerness in playing football . He stayed among them for some time , and watched the games , carefully marking who was strongest among the players . And he saw that there was one among them a woman of small stature , who yet always contrived to snatch the ball from the others . Therefore he gave her the great thick skin he had brought with him , and told her to knead it soft . And this she did , though no other woman could have done it . Then he took her on his sledge and drove off on a wandering through the lands around . On their way they came to a high and steep rock , rising up from the open water . Atungait sprang up on to that rock and began running up it . So strong was he that at every step he bored his feet far down into the rock . When he reached the top , he called to his dogs , and one by one they followed by the way of his footsteps , and reached the top , all of them save one , and that one died . And after that he hoisted up his sledge first , and then his wife after , and so they drove on their way . After they had driven for some time , they came to a place of people . And the strange thing about these people was that they were all left - handed . And then they drove on again and came to some man - eaters ; these ate one another , having no other food . But they did not succeed in doing him any harm . And they drove on again and came to other people ; these had all one leg shorter than the other , and had been so from birth . They lay on the ground all day playing ajangat . And they had a fine ajangat made of copper . Atungait stayed there some time , and when the time came for him to set out once more , he stole their plaything and took it away with him , having first destroyed all their sledges . But the lAugpilagtok , who was living in the southern part of the country , chanced to hear that Kangek ( pron . Kanghek - at the firth of Godthaab ) was an excellent place for seal - hunting . He accordingly started for it ; but the autumn set in , and the ground was hard with frost before he arrived ; so on coming across an old deserted house at Ikarisat , not far from Kangek , he decided to stop there , and set about preparing an abode for winter . At first he had fair hunting ; so much was he able to store up , that it might have been thought the seals came to his house of their own accord . Heavy northern gales were blowing , and the fall of snow was so great that he was forced to take his store of seals into the house , and live entirely upon them . At last , however , they were finished . The weather was getting calmer , but the sea was still covered with ice . In these circumstances he made himself a small harpoon for hunting on the ice , but first went out to reconnoiter , and find out the breathing - holes of the seals . The first day he roamed all around the bay Ameralik without finding one opening in the ice . The next he tried Kapisilik , but also in vain . The third day , having had the same bad luck at Kangersunek , and having nothing to eat , he set to whetting his knife in the evening . He had a dog with drooping ears , and his knife was intended for this poor animal . He killed it , and cut a piece from the loin , which he ate raw , skin and all , only scraping off the hairs ; and when the rest had been boiled he again ate with a hearty appetite . The following day he remained in the house . On the next he climbed the highest mountains to survey the neighborhood , and discovered an opening in the ice , not far from his dwelling - place , but it was then too late to start . The following morning he set off , carrying his kayak on his head as far as the water 's edge . Having rowed for some time along the margin of the ice , he unexpectedly detected a number of huts ; and the beach was also red with blood from sea - animals which had been killed . He pulled away ; and on In the direction of the north wind live the manabai ' wok ( giants ) , of whom we have heard our old people tell . The manabai ' wok are our friends , but we do not see them anymore . They are great hunters and fishermen , and whenever they are out wit their torches to spear fish we know it , because then the sky is brighter over the place where they are . AvatarsuakAn Eskimo Legend It is said that his grandfather , being likewise called Avatarsuak , was a wise man . It was he who took charge of his younger namesake , whose own father had been early called away from home . The grandfather admonished him not to harm the meanest dog , and never to be uncivil towards old people , not even on being reproved by them . When he came to possess a kayak of his own he remarked that his grandfather , when pushing him off the beach , was always heard to pronounce some strange words , at the same time uncovering his head by pulling the hood back behind the ears . But though the youth listened carefully , he could not make out the meaning of the words . About the time when he first commenced seal - catching his grandfather died , and being left alone he took up his winter quarters at a place where the South - landers had to pass by when on their trading excursions to the European settlement at Pamiut ( Fredrikshaab ) . At length two " kayakers " on their voyage to this place passed by his residence , whom he expected for ever so long to see return , but in vain . At length he learned from the south that both were missing , and at the same time that he was suspected of having killed them . Some time after , being in want of a skin for a hunting - bladder , he went off in search of a firth - seal . It was fine weather , and so calm that the breathing of the larger seals was plainly audible . As for the small firth - seals , however , he saw none , and was getting farther and farther into the bay . Suddenly something emerged from the water , coming up close behind him , and beating the top of his kayak , and lo ! It was nothing less than a tupilak ( monster made by sorcery ) . It accosted him , saying , " How lucky I met thee thus alone , as I am longing for some entrails ! " Stupefied with awe , he felt the creature creeping up on top of the kayak behind him , constantly repeating , " I shall soon make a feast on thy entrails ; " at the same time pressing down the stern of the kayak so deep as to make the prow rise in the air . Never before had he , who was wont to carry spoSomewhere in the village , there was a room full of children who never ceased to make a ruckus as night fell , Grandma Kipo said as she held one of her grandchildren in her lap . Seated on the floor , the other grandchildren closed in at her feet , straining their ears to hear her tell the same story at the campsite . All was still outside the tent , the river making its rippling sound about 30 - feet away . We were up the river , it was summer , and there was food gathering to be done . " All the children were making a lot noise , hollering , running , and the night was near , " she said . " It was getting dark outside and it was time to sleep , but these children didn 't mind their parents . They played on . " The parents were on a hunting trip , and Grandma Kipo had to take care of the children , which is what many grandparents did in the old days . " All of a sudden , the door of the house flew open and a ball of fire hit the walls , " she almost whispered in Inupiaq . " All of the children grew frantic and they all cowered in one corner . " The children moved closer at her feet , all wanting to be held . " The ball of fire bounced from one corner to another , and the children cried out and they hugged each other because they were scared , " she went on . " That ball of fire broke through the door because the children didn 't listen to their parents when they were told it was time to go to sleep . " The children took their rightful places on the floor of the tent , and remained silent until they fell fast asleep . Creation , An Inuit TaleAn Eskimo Legend It is said that Raven made the world . He is a man with a raven 's beak . When the waters forced the ground up from the deep Raven stabbed it with his beak and fixed it into place . This first land was just big enough for the house that was on it . There were three people in the house . This was a family with a man , his wife and their little son Raven who had fixed the land . The father had a bladder hanging over his bed . After much pleading by Raven the father allowed the boy to play with it . While playing Raven damaged the bladder and light appeared . The father not wanting to have light always shining , took the bladder from the boy before he could damage it further . And that is how day and night started over the land . Crow Brings DaylightAn Eskimo Legend A long time ago when the world was first born , it was always dark in the north where the Inuit people lived . They thought it was dark all over the world until an old crow told them about daylight and how he had seen it on his long journeys . The more they heard about daylight , the more the people wanted it . " we could hunt further and for longer , " they said . " We could see the polar bears coming and run before they attack us . " The people begged the crow to go and bring them daylight , but he didn 't want to . " It 's a long way and I 'm too old to fly that far , " he said . But the people begged until he finally agreed to go . He flapped his wings and launched into the dark sky , towards the east . He flew for a long time until his wings were tired . He was about to turn back when he saw the dim glow of daylight in the distance . " At last , there is daylight , " said the tired crow . As he flew towards the dim light it became brighter and brighter until the whole sky was bright and he could see for miles . The exhausted bird landed in a tree near a village , wanting to rest . It was very cold . A daughter of the chief came to the nearby river . As she dipped her bucket in the icy water , Crow turned himself into a speck of dust and drifted down onto her fur cloak . When she walked back to her father 's snow lodge , she carried him with her . Inside the snow lodge it was warm and bright . The girl took off her cloak and the speck of dust drifted towards the chief 's grandson , who was playing on the lodge floor . It floated into the child 's ear and he started to cry . " What 's wrong ? Why are you crying ? " asked the chief , who was sitting at the fire . " Tell him you want to play with a ball of daylight , " whispered the dust . The chief wanted his favorite grandson to be happy , and told his daughter to fetch the box of daylight balls . When she opened it for him , he took out a small ball wrapped a string around it and gave it to his grandson . The speck of dust scratched the child 's ear again , making him cry . " What 's wrong , child ? " asked the chief . " Tell him you At a time when darkness covered the Earth , a girl was nightly visited by someone whose identity she could not discover . She was determined to find out who it could be . She mixed some soot with oil and painted her breast with it . The next time she discovered , to her horror , that her brother had a black circle of soot around his mouth . She upbraided him and he denied it . The father and mother were very angry and scolded the pair so severely that the son fled from their presence . The daughter seized a brand from the fire and pursued him . He ran to the sky to avoid her , but she flew after him . The man changed into the moon and the girl bore the torch and became the sun . The sparks that flew from the brand became the stars . The sun is constantly pursuing the moon , which keeps in the darkness to avoid being discovered . Eskimo Story of Owl and RavenAn Eskimo Legend Owl and Raven were close friends . One day Raven made a new dress , dappled black and white , for Owl . Owl , in return , made for Raven a pair of Whale - bone boots and then began to make for her a white dress . When Owl wanted to fit the dress , Raven hopped about and would not sit still . Owl became very angry and said , " If I fly over you with a blubber lamp , don 't jump . " Raven continued to hop about . At last Owl became very angry and emptied the blubber lamp over the new white dress . Raven cried , " Qaq ! Qaq ! " Ever since that day Raven has been black all over . Eskimo Story of the Northern LightsAn Eskimo Legend Auroras - or Northern Lights - are believed to be the torches held in the hands of Spirits seeking the souls of those who have just died , to lead them over the abyss terminating the edge of the world . A narrow pathway leads across it to the land of brightness and plenty , where disease and pain are no more , and where food of all kinds is already in abundance . To this place none but the dead and the Raven can go . When the Spirits wish to communicate with the people of the Earth , they make a whistling noise , and the Earth people answer only in a whispering tone . The Eskimo say that they are able to call the Aurora and converse with it . They send messages to the dead through these Spirits . How Big the World IsAn Eskimo Legend Two couples lived together . One day , the two men fell to talking . " The world is big , " said the first . " How big ? " said the second . " Let 's find out , " answered the first . So they took their sleds and set off in opposite directions . Their wives cried at parting from each other , but each accompanied her husband , running beside his sled . Year after year they traveled . The wives had babies , and the babies grew up . Then they had children , and so on , until there were two whole tribes traveling across the ice . The original couples grew old and frail . The men could no longer drive their sleds ; the women could no longer keep up the pace beside them . But still they traveled . At last , each of them saw movement in the far distance . They kept on going , and , finally , they met , back where they had started . " The world is big , " said the first man . " Even bigger than we thought , " answered the second . And then they died . How Fox Saved the PeopleAn Eskimo Legend Once upon a time , in a camp neat Great Slave Lake , there were no caribou to kill . For days and days the families went without food . Everyone was very hungry and weak . Each day a raven landed in the camp . He would wander from tent to tent looking at the hungry people . Whenever he came to the camp , he appeared cheerful . The people were puzzled why the raven looked so happy . " Raven , do you have lots of food ? " the people asked . " We cannot help noticing your happy face . " The raven replied , " I 'm having the same problem as you . " All this time the raven was thinking about what a good meal he 'd have when some of the people died . The people still wanted to know why the raven always looked so happy . They decided to follow him to see where he went . His footprints led them into the forest . They followed the tracks until suddenly they came to an end . The men looked everywhere for more signs of the raven . Suddenly they noticed a quiver hanging on a branch of a tree . On the quiver were pieces of frozen fat . " No wonder the raven is so cheerful , he has lots of food . He lied to us . There 's probably more food near - by , " the people said . They decided there must be a herd of caribou a short distance away . While the people were talking , a man named Make - Bone said he would follow the raven the next time he left their camp . So everyone returned home , to wait for the raven to appear . The raven visited the camp again the next day , not knowing about the plan the people had decided upon . As usual , he entered each tent looking for a possible meal . Finally he decided to leave . Already Make - Bone had climbed an old spruce tree to watch the raven . When the raven flew away , Make - Bone tried to follow him with his eyes . However , he was flying out of sight . Since Make - Bone was worried he might lose the raven , he wiped his forehead with ashes . This helped him to see better . " I can see him now , " cried Make - Bone . " He 's landing near a hill . Let 's follow him there ! " Everyone started walking through the forest to find the raven . It was a long walk and everyone becaIn the old days , when everything began , a brother lived with his sister in a large village which had a dance house . At night it was lit with stone lamps burning seal oil , and once the sister was dancing and singing there when a big wind blew all the lamps out . While everything was black , a man copulated with her . She struggled against him , but he was too strong , and it was too dark to see who he was . Thinking he might come again , before she went back there next she blackened the palms of her hands with soot . Again a great gust of wind blew out all the lamps . Again that man threw her upon her back , got on top of her , and entered her . But this time she smeared his back with soot . When the lamps were rekindled , she looked for the one with a sooty back and was enraged to see that it was her brother . She cried , " Such things are not done ! Such things are unheard of ! " She was so angry that she took a sharp knife and cut off both her breasts . Flinging them at her brother , she cried , " As you seem to enjoy me , as you seem to have a taste for my body , eat these ! " She grabbed a brightly burning torch and , maddened and wild - eyed , ran out of the dance house into the dark night . Her brother snatched up another torch and ran after her , but stumbled and fell down in the snow . The snow put out the flames of his torch so that only its embers flickered feebly . Then a big windstorm lifted both the sister and her brother high up into the sky . The girl was turned into the sun , and her brother into the moon . She stays as far away from him as she can . As long as the moon shines , she hides herself , coming out only after he is gone . If the brother had not let his torch fall into the snow , the moon would be as bright as the sun . - - - - - Retold from four nineteenth - century sources . Quarrel of the Sun and the MoonAn Eskimo Legend Long ago , in a cold land far away , there lived a brother and sister who loved each other very much . But they quarreled all the time . They argued about anything and everything . " It 's cold , " the sister would say . Her brother would shake his head . " It 's not too cold . " " Spring will be here soon , " the sister would say happily . " It 's spring already , foolish sister , " the brother argued . Day in and day out they quarreled . Now we would say they were as different from each other as night from day . One day the sister awoke and said to her brother , " We must change . " " We must NOT change , " he disagreed . But she was determined . " I think we should transform ourselves into wolves and travel together in harmony as they do . " " Wolves howl , " he said . " We must not become wolves . " " We 'll become bears , " she suggested . " Bears are amiable creatures . " " Bears are blunderers , " he said . " We 'll become salmon and swim together down river . " " The water is cold . We should not become salmon , " the brother said firmly . " Beavers , then , " she said . " The Great spirit praises the beaver who works with his brothers . " " We do not want to have sharp teeth , " said the brother . " we must not become beavers . " " Seals , then , " said the sister . " Their great soft eyes are evidence that they are as kind as we should become . " " Slithery creature , " the brother shuddered . " We should not become seals . " all day they argued . Each time the sister suggested an animal they might become , the brother scowled and said , " No , no , no ! " She recommended caribou and musk oxen , eagles and deer , but he was not convinced . Each Arctic animal the sister suggested brought argument from her brother . " All right , " she said at last . " I will become the sun and rule the skies ! " She snatched a flaming torch of moss from the fire and ran outside . " No , I shall rule the skies , " he cried , and he too grabbed a torch and began to chase her . They ran round and round their igloo , their torches flaming brightly . The sister turned and ran toward the frozen fields , and all the animals watched in wonder as the brother gave cThe Innu carve strange and beautiful figures , representing people , animals , birds , fish , and supernatural characters , then paint them with bright colors . The tallest red cedar trees are selected for totem poles , and are used for landmarks as well as illustrating the legends told from generation to generation . On one of these poles was carved a stunning Raven , but he had no beak ! The Raven in Alaska was no ordinary bird . He had remarkable powers and could change into whatever form he wished . He could change from a bird to a man , and could not fly and walk , but could swim underwater as fast as any fish . One day , Raven took the form of a little , bent - over old man to walk through a forest . He wore a long white beard and walked slowly . After a while , Raven felt hungry . As he thought about this , he came to the edge of the forest near a village on the beach . There , many people were fishing for halibut . In a flash , Raven thought of a scheme . He dived into the sea and swam to the spot where the fishermen dangled their hooks . Raven gobbled their bait , swimming from one hook to another . Each time Raven stole bait , the fishermen felt a tug on their lines . When the lines were pulled in , there was neither fish nor bait . But Raven worked his trick once too often . When Houskana , an expert fisherman , felt a tug , he jerked his line quickly , hooking something heavy . Raven 's jaw had caught on the hook ! While Houskana tugged on his line , Raven pulled in the opposite direction . Then Raven grabbed hold of some rocks at the bottom of the sea and called , " O rocks , please help me ! " But the rocks paid no attention . Because of the great pain , Raven said to his jaw , " Break off , O jaw , for I am too tired . " His jaw obeyed , and it broke off . Houskana pulled in his line immediately . On his hook was a man 's jaw with a long white beard ! It looked horrible enough to scare anyone . Houskana and the other fishermen were very frightened , because they thought the jaw might belong to some evil spirit . They picked up their feet and ran as fast as they could to t

A couple of weeks ago I went out of town with my parents to the funeral of my great aunt . She had been sick for a long time , was in her 90s so they had just a graveside service for her . They set up a tent right where she was going to be buried , 20 or so chairs , and the very short service is held right there in the cemetery . Before we left our hotel , Mom warned me and Dad to go to the bathroom and she said it was important because the cemetery was located in a rural town and that there probably wouldn 't be any bathrooms to use . Dad and I waited in the rented car while Mom followed her advice in the room and stayed back to go to the bathroom . The drive to the cemetery was only about a half hour , although Dad had to swerve a couple of times to prevent hitting road kill which included two deer , a dog , what looked like a skunk , and several rabbits . I was looking forward to my cousin Amit being there . He 's a couple of years older than me , lives two states away , but we 've become better acquainted because his family has visited us more . After the service , it was cool enough under the tent that both he and I knew the adults would probably hang around and want to talk , so he told them that we were going to walk around and get some exercise since we were later going to have a lot of waiting around to do at the airport and the boring flight back home . There 's a pretty good size hill that when you get to the top , is at the middle of the cemetery . That side of the cemetery isn 't visited that much because it 's almost totally full and when you look at the head stones , you find people who died in the 1800s and some in the early 1900s . Amit noticed one stone that said the person was born in like 1820 and died in 1919 . Amit it was unusual for a person to live that long back then and I agreed , although I said it was sad they didn 't make it all the way to age 100 . He agreed . We must have walked more than 30 minutes to the other end of the cemetery and Amit used his cell to call his parents who said there was still a lot of visiting going on and not to worry about the time . We decided to start walking back , but we walked a little more to the west so that we could see what was with one huge headstone that obviously belonged to the lot that was used by some very rich people . It was obviously a monument and the nicest one we had seen . In the ground , on the corner of the lot , there was what looked like a faucet at knee - level that was very loose and attached to a pipe . Amit tried it and said it was probably used to draw water for flowers that are left on Memorial Day . That made sense to me . Then Amit said he felt he was going to have to piss before his family got to the airport . I told him why hold it , because I knew we could have some fun together with it . Well Amit and I joked about some of the options . I saw just a few feet up on the cobblestone road what looked like a metal pail that had blown against a headstone . I ran - - it 's more accurate that I walked because I had a dress and hard shoes on - - and grabbed it . I remembered when he and I were talking once during a visit last year that Amit bragged that he could piss anywhere . He and I were at a carnival and he was giving me a hard time about holding my crap in rather than sitting down and letting it out in the only bathroom available that I didn 't want to use because it didn 't have toilet paper . I remembered Amit bragging that he made the school 's rifle team as a sophomore and how he had won some inter - city shooting accuracy competition and had gotten a top novice medal . I challenged him at the time to explain to me or demonstate how good he was and I didn 't remember him doing that . Amit thought for a minute and then came up with the plan that he was certain would impress me . I would carefully seat myself on the very back - most part of the pail , pull my skirt in and with a space about the size of the top of a can between my legs , he would pee without getting anything on me . At first I was a bit shocked and I didn 't see how he could accomplish it . He said since there was so wind , this was a perfect day for such " target practice . " I seated myself . It took me three tries . The first three times I lost my balance and fell off backwards . With each time , the rim of the rusty metal pail was tearing at my skin , but I finally figured out I had to put more weight toward my knees , that I then spread widely as I lifted my skirt and actually rolled it up and then held it down . I could see from the expression on Amit 's face that we was impressed with my red panties as he got closer to me and then took out his organ and studied his aim . I asked me , partially out of my continued lack of confidence , how accurate he is at using the school urinals . He bragged he was awesome . He joked about me closing my eyes and then giving me a count down . The it came . It seemed like a couple of splashes hit immediately in front of the pail , but his arc was perfect and about every 10 or 15 seconds he walked in closer to me . The noise into the pail was louder at first and there were a lot of bubbles between my legs . Finally , there were the last few drips between my legs and Amit shook off his organ in front of me . He grabbed for my hands to pull me up so we could inspect the pail , and for a moment my skin stuck to the pail on one side , and as it rocked a bit , Amit reached down and steadied it . It was about a quarter full . His piss was pretty yellow and there were a lot less bubbles now . Both he and I used our phones to take a picture of the bucket . Before we could discuss about dumping the pail out , Amit 's phone rang and his parents were ready to get down to the airport so we hurried back down the hill . Our haste caused us to just leave the pail with the piss in it . When we got back to the gravesite , Amit 's Dad asked him if he had seen any portable toilets around . We just looked at each other and smiled . Then Amit said no . His family was the first to leave and that made sense since they had an early flight . My family stopped for lunch and then went to the airport . But before we left our table at the diner , Mom reminded me to go to the bathroom there because it would be a lot cleaner than at the airport . I went in , lined the seat , and took a pretty decent piss . There 's nothing like Amit 's , of course . Jas Stephanie - That 's so cool that you started to enjoy accidents . I wish I would 've become interested in this subject years ago . When I think about it , I can see how it would physically feel good to have an accident . I remember feeling that huge relief after holding it for so long , then finally letting everything out and just relaxing my poor stomach / bladder . But I would only be able to enjoy it for a couple seconds before that little nagging thought would go through my head like , " You just pooped your pants like a baby . Shame on you ! " Then I would start to feel embarrassed , even if nobody witnessed the accident . I wish I would 've known how to not care and not be so hard on myself a lot earlier . If I had an accident now it wouldn 't be nearly as devastating because I know how to just kind of brush it off , and not be ashamed just because other people don 't approve . Anyway my mom 's reaction is usually to not make a big deal about my accidents . She only ever got a little mad a couple times , and I didn 't blame her because it was only when I had plenty of chances to go but refused to , like when I got caught after that big accident at the mall . She definitely would 've been more concerned if she knew how often I had accidents , she only knew about a small fraction of them because I did everything I could not to get caught . After that last one she would bring up a story about a kid that had an accident at the school she worked at or something . But she would say it in front of everybody which was more embarrassing even though I was the only one who knew why she brought it up . One time she started telling a story about how my aunt was babysitting when she was like 15 and fell asleep on the couch and peed herself while sleeping . That one actually did make me feel a little better , but other than that it was annoying because it kept reminding me that she knew , and I was just trying to pretend she didn 't . When I had accidents they were often big ones because it would usually stem from me holding my poop for days . Normally I would hI noticed in the story about your accident at camp , you had been holding it for a couple days , is that usually what causes you to have a poop accident ? I don 't think I 've had one without holding for at least 2 or 3 days first . We went for a pic nic in the woods yesterday . My father had to poop and there was no toilet so he had to hide in the bushes . Luckily my mother had some toilet paper in her back pack . I went shopping in an area of town that has a luggage store - I won 't state the store 's name for privacy . I was looking through the window at the luggage and tote bags they have . I noticed a package of P - mates sticking out of the pocket of a tote bag . These products are written in several languages - English , French , German and Spanish I believe . The German language was visible - I guess this is to ward off prudish people . This area of town has many bike shops , outdoor and camping shops , etc . I would like to purchase some . I have the plastic FUDs . One of my friends drives to Florida and stops at the side of the road and uses P mates when she has to pee . In China , female urinals and P mate type devices are being used to save water . I wish they had them here . Our apt had a fire alarm and I was wearing a long night dress and we were outside in the dark and I stood over the grass , spread my legs to shoulder width , and peed on the grass . It can be done . I also always pee in the shower . Story Teller Havn 't posted in a while , but a got a question for everyone : Have you ever dropped something in the toilet ? I thought of this cause I remembered this one instance in a public restroom . Aside from us there were these two teenage girls . One was in a stall pooping and the other was at the sink . They kept talking back and forth . Then the girl in the stall screamed . Her friend asked what was wrong . The girl replied that she 'd dropped her phone in the toilet ! Her friend went ewwww . Anonymous Car Mom - Glad you are back . Love your stories . I understanding peeing in your car for convenience ; I do it all the time . But isn 't harder to leave the mall , or wherever you happen to be , go all the way to the car , and then go back in ? I feel like it would be much easier to just pee in the bathroom , unless there wasn 't one . Also , I find it weird that all these strangers agree to pee in your car . Again , if there was no bathroom such as at the thrift store you described , I understand . But I do not know how I would feel if you and your daughter approached me randomly . I think it is interesting that every time it is a mom with two daughters . Have any other family dynamics peed in your car ? Dan On her second visit to my apartment to stay for a few days , we were . . . out of the apartment more often , shall we say . Because of this we did some of the usual NYC tourist - y things , plus went to a few spots that I myself like , and some locations were some tv & movies were filmed . One of the attractions was the Empire State Building . It was late May - early June when she visited , and it was nice and warm . She was wearing a green top and black shorts , and had her hair up . As we were making our way up , she had to use the bathroom and excused herself to the next ladies we could find . I waited outside , and about 3 - 5 min alter she came out . After that , we continued the tour , did pictures , etc . However , on the back to my place , she informed me that she " has to go number two . " My heart skipping a couple of beats , I asked her if she has go to now , so we could make another detour for a bathroom , if she could wait till we got in . After a second or two , she said she could wait . As we were going up the stairs , I slowed a bit to let her go in front of me . About 3 - 4 steps away form me was her tush , which looked fantastic in her black shorts . When we arrived , I opened up the door , and we went inside . She made a beeline for the bathroom immediately , and closed the door . Instantly I dropped ( well placed ) what I was carrying on the floor , and snuck up to the bathroom door . Just in time , as the toilet sent went ' clack ' as the lid was lifted . My heart was beating a bit faster than usual , and my . . . interest was growing as i knew FOR SURE she was going to be taking a dump . Next , I heard the rustling sound of her shorts and panties being lowered . What happened next , since I was ( sadly ) on the other side of the door ( in retrospect , maybe I should have asked her if she wanted company . . . ) and not the one using the bathroom , I wasn 't sure . Aside from her being prepared to USE the toilet , I hadn 't heard any sounds . But when her fantastic ass hit the seat , I heard an ' mhhm ! / mmm ! / rrrn ! ' grunt - groan type sound . I wasn 't sure if it was because had to push the poop out , it was a large one , or because it was reliving . Sadly , that was the only sound in regards to pooping I heard . She wiped a few times , but when I heard the rustle of clothes again , I knew that was my que , and crept away from the door , and brought out my cel , checking any messages ( I think it was on silent anyway , so good thing i did ! ) . afterwards I heard the flush , and she came out with an ' ah ! ' . We took care of our bags , watched a bit of tv , then enjoyed ourselves for the remainder of the night . Ok so about a week or so ago Laura was over for the first time in a while , I suppose it was the first time since she and I peed against the front seats of my car . Well that day she called me on the phone . It was while the girls were in school . She said " I have to pee " and so I asked her " do you want to come over and pee in my car ? " She then said " no I was thinking we could pee inside . " I said " oh you mean in the couch ? " She said " no I actually have another idea . " And so I asked her " what 's your idea ? " She said " well I was sort of thinking , you know that chair you have , I was thinking maybe we could pee in that . " Laura wanted to pee in my chair . I was a little surprised , but only at first . I know she likes to be creative with her pees . And now she wanted to come over and pee in my chair . Its actually one of those wide chairs , I guess its called a cuddle chair , its not as wide as a loveseat but its wider than a regular chair . Its mostly green in color with a plaid pattern in the fabric . The fabric itself is that heavy woven couch material . And now Laura decided that she wanted to relieve herself in it . We already ruined another piece of my furniture which of course I don 't mind . But now she wanted to do it again . I told her while we were still on the phone " maybe we should just do it in the couch again . " I remember she said " yeah that would be fun . But I think it would also be fun if we peed in the chair this time . " I did like the idea of doing it . It sounded like it would be fun to sit there in the chair side by side and do our business into the cushion . And not only that , but it had been a while since I had last shared a pee with Laura and so I really wanted to do it with her . So finally I said " ok let 's do it then . Come on over . " Of course she giggled when I said that . We hung up and I waited for her to come over . I looked over at the chair . Soon it would be getting soaked in pee . About 15 mins or so later Laura arrived . After saying hi and all that stuff she smiled and then she said " if its ok I do have to go rBye for now ! I was in the 6th grade when this happened . We were having this after school dance party from 4 : 00 to 7 : 00 . So the popular kids stayed with the popular side , and the average with the average , and of course the nerds with the nerds . I was on the popular side . I was on cheer team and i loved everyone on cheer team except Riley . Riley was cheer captain and a bossy * * * * * . Well during the party she led , of course , and we were all having fun . So around 6 : 00 we all went to the food court to go get something to eat . We all ordered and sat down at the table and started eating . Half way through our meals Riley clutched her stomach and said she had to use and bathroom and ran towards the bathrooms . Curious I followed her and told the rest of the groups i was going to check on her . So a few steps back i followed her in and she immediately ran into a stall , pulled her dress up and started have a major explosion . Having no interest i left and waited for her outside the entrance of the bathroom . Looking at my phone about 30 minutes passed and she still didn 't come out . So i went back in and asked if she was OK and she said no and started having a explosion again . She moaned and groaned for about another 30 minutes . I told our group she was feeling really bad and i would look after her and that they could go ( I 'm pretty nice ) . So they left and I was with my with her till 7 : 00 when it was time to leave and she still didn 't come out of the bathroom . I told her it was time to leave and she said she was scared to leave the toilet . After i finally convinced her to leave we were walking out the doors when Riley Doubled over and said she needed to use the bathroom really bad . Right then Matthew ( Quarterback ( football ) and Riley 's crush ) was walking out . She suddenly straighten herself out again ( I could still tell she had to go real bad ) and acted as if everything was fine . Then she dropped her jaw and I could tell she needed to go REALLY badly ! She exploded right in front of him . It was pretty dark then so you couldn 't see the the diarrheCarin : That was in 1978 . I was 18 . That boy and his family vanished from sight . I visited him for many days . I was happy to do so . I was a young adult fresh out of HS . I was in summer school at college , working dead - end jobs abd getting fired from them . It was fun when I look back on it . So , I was glad to be company to him . He was week for many days . Everyday after sumer school , I went to see him . The next day I went to see him and he was whimpering like a puppy and holding his stomach in bed . He said , " Althea , would you please walk me to to the toilet ? " And I said sure . I gently pulled him from his bed and walked him to the toilet in his room . He was still weak . His father gave him a change of underwear and pj 's . He pulled down his light blue pants and light blue FOL briefs to his knees and lifted his shirt and sat on the bowl . I could imagine what he was going through . He gripped his stomach and a wave of brown water released . He sat on the bowl until another wave released . It was a good 60 seconds . He was sobbing . I felt sad for him . I asked him if he was still hurting and he said yes and that he missed being with his father and kid brother . This kid was spending his summer in a hospital . He was in there just after school ended for the summer vacation . He said that he was drinking liquids only because he was dehydrated from the vomiting and diarreah . He breathed and then released two more explosive waves and a splattery fart . He sat with his penis limp and his little hands cupped between his skinny pale legs . He said that he did not have to pee . He said that a young male doctor and the other kids on the ward were taking him to the bathroom as well as his father . He was very likeable . He was on that toilet for 30 minutes . He took toilet paper and cleaned himself , pulled up his clothes . He flushed the bowl , washed his hands and I took him back to his bed . I put him face down , the covers on the little guy , rubbed , pet and hugged him and talked to him until he fell asleep . I did my summer school homework in his roAmy : That girl in the gray school uniform skirt and the colored underwear should have not wasted that in the ground . She would have been adorable sitting on a toilet . Thank God , there was a park enroute to / from school , if I needed it . I always carried toilet paper in my book bag just in case . Alexander : You are not aroused by this . It is your natural choice to enter or leave . As long as you are not harming others or yourself , it is fine by all concerned or not . I knew when I was a little girl , the human body interested me . It also interested other boys and girls like me . - Do you eat certain things knowing you 'll fart up a storm later ? dark fruits , they clean me out . I discovered this in HS and college . - Do you enjoy farting ? ( either the relief it brings or other means ) yes . That gas can stay in you and kill you , if it goes up to your brain . POOPING - Are you noisy when you poop ? ( grunt , sigh , fart , your poop lands loudly , your poop ' crackles ' , . . . . ) I fart and it crackles and lands loudly . I used to hate it until 5th grade . - Do you enjoy pooping ? ( same as farting question ) yes , I like to get all that junk out of me . Plus , it is nice to feel it coming out . BOTH Are you shy about farting and / or pooping , or do you embrace it ? ? Fairly open ended , feel free to tell why or why not , in which company , and if the opposite sex is a contributing factor . It does not bother me . I have done both in front of boyfriends and male cousins when I was growing up school - age . See my earliest posts . My father saw me when I was a little girl and a teenager . I once came home from a movie with a boy after eating junk food at a movie and I used the toilet at his house , The sound , the smells and the amount of garbage that I expelled was tremendous . Plus , I had some wild cramps . I was in my early 20 's . Dan and Leanne : When I was in HS and college , I used to have 3 bowel movements daily . After college , I was not physically active and I used to be horribly constipated . Then , when I joined a gym and cleaned up my diet , my bowels were regular again . Eating and drinking good helps . Eileen : I 've been in situations like yours at detention . I used to hold it in me at school until I got home . I just did not want to make # 2 at school . Sometimes , I 've been caught suddenly on the street or subway and I have to find a clean public place . Thank God , there are plenty of them here where I live . See my posts earlier . Good thing the logs slipped out easy . I can imagine now how others experience that urge . End Stall Em : I used to baby sit in HS and college . It was fun . I changed them , toilet trained them and watched them when they used a public toilet . In 1973 , I had my cousin at the house . She was 9 . I was 13 . My mother was at the house . So , Melissa was left with us for the evening . My father was out drinking , playing cards and hanging with his buddies . Melissa and I were close and intimate . So , we saw and did everything . In the evening after dinner , we were watching TV in the basement when Melissa belched and broke wind a few times . She said , " I have to make # 1 and # 2 . Go with me . " So , we went downstairs in the basement deeper to the bathroom . Melissa lifted her dress , pulled down her powder blue panty to below her knees and her bowels opened up with a series of chunks . Then , she broke wind and some more chunks . She sat with her fingers on her panty . I was fixing my hair and we were talking about me going into HS . We talked about our changing bodies . She asked me if I had my moustache . I told her that she would have one in due time . The girl reached for the toilet paper and cleaned herself good . I told the importance of good hygiene at her age . When she stood up to fix her clothes , she left a nice array brown chunks floating in the water . A few years later , I was babysitting my first - cousin 's daughter . I was 15 and she was 8 . I took her everywhere with me . We were in the park playground on the swings and the slide . She came down the slide , held her stomach and was pulling at the back of her shorts . I knew what that meant . She told me that she " had to make " and she was going to the bathroom . I went with her into this bathroom filled with about 10 stalls of toilets . She was independent . She wanted a clean stall with toilet paper and found one . I went in with her . She was fine with her clothes . She let down her pull - on shorts and her white with red print panty to her ankles and sat on the bowl . She said that the bowl was cold . " I am making a big doo - doo " and sure enough she did . The toes of her little feet were barely touching the floor and her little hands were covering her vertex . She squeezed out this huge 13 inch log . I thought that was it . Then , out came another one the same size . Like any little girl , she was on that toilet for 15 minutes . When she said that she was finished , I gave toilet paper and she wiped herself good . She looked at it and flushed the toilet by kicking the handle . Another night , we were at a Girl 's Club meeting at a hotel when Alicen had to go . I took her to the women 's room . We found a stall . Before she could enter , she undid her jeans and belt . I put paper on the seat as her pants and underwear were off her waist . She sat on the bowl and kept her legs together and let out a series of soft , loose brown pieces . She also unrinated briefly . She sat for 10 minutes . I gave her paper and showed her how to wipe clean . She bent over and cleaned from behind , then opened her legs and wiped her vagina , pulled up her clothes and flushed . When Melissa was about 3 - 4 , she was going to the toilet with help . So , I was asked to take her to the toilet and for her to watch me . I was 7 and she was 3 . We were wearing corduroy dresses . I had to pee . So , I showed her how I lift my dress and pull down my panties and sit on the toilet . I let her see my pee come out of my vagina . She learned very quickly . Later , she would tell me that she had to go and she would lead me to the toilet and showed my what to do . Her bowel control scared her because her stools are hard or they were loose like diarreah . I told her not to be afraid of it . I showed her the same way by hitching up her dress and pulling down her training briefs . I showed her how I made # 2 and how it came out . I used to drop these huge logs with lots of farts . Sometimes they would be soft . I showed her how to use the toilet with dresses and pants . I would wipe her until she got older and she was doing it by herself . She learned . She was toilet - trained for kindergarten . I was in 7th grade and Melissa was in 3rd . I took her to a movie and she had to use the toilet . We were wearing jeans . She took off her coat hung it on a hook . She pulled down her gray corduroy slacks and pink panty to below her knees , lifted the seat and squatted over the large bowl and was pushing out three brown large logs . They hit the water hard and splashed . There was silence . Then , she peed for about 30 seconds . I asked her why she was squatting . She said that at school she did not like to sit on the toilets . So she did the same in the theater . After awhile , I asked her if she was alright . She said , " I have another piece of doo - doo left in me . " Squatting downward , she pressed out one more log and a fart . When she was finished 20 minutes later , she wiped herself good . She left the stall and did not flush . LuckyBoy Boys were shocked to see me doing # 2 when I was a little girl and a teenager . See my earliest posts . We should not be ashamed of our bodies . Nicole : The girl , you could have let her in the stall with you . The boy , I would have let him turn around . I used to let boys spy on me . They did not know that I was letting them . Eileen H : I never went camping with my school kids . The liability was too great and I did not want to be responsible for sick children . I was a Girl Scout . Kids today are not rugged . When I was a teacher , I had to use the same female toilet as the kids . The school was that small . It was me and girls from grades 1 - 12 . Then , it was me and the asst . headmistress . She could fart big . When we were in the toilet , we all talked but not about our bathroom habits . It was all business as they would say . I used to break wind also When I was 7 , my mother saw me with my blue jeans and pink panty at my knees while I was facing the toilet . I was aiming to pee like a boy . That was because I was a tom - boy . This happened a few times . I was not sucessful , but I was getting good . I was peeing on the floor and the toilet seat . She told me . " Althea , you are a girl . Sit on the toilet like a girl . " She was aghast when I told her that I wanted to be a boy because I all my playmates were boys . So , I would sit , squat or hover . I used to go to the park and in the woods , I would experiment . Hi , just another quick post from me . Since the Easter hols I 've been struggling to establish a decent routine for opening my bowels . Just before the holidays I 'd been trying to go for a poo every day as soon as I got home from school even if I didn 't feel I needed one , and this did actually help me to be a bit less constipated . Now I 've been back at school for a full week I thought it was time I tried to get back into this system , so today when I got home I made sure to go on the toilet even though I didn 't feel like I wanted a poo . Lcukily when I got home I had the house to myself , my sister was over at a friends and my parents wouldn 't be back till later . I went up to my room and took off my white blouse and black skirt , as I 've said before I prefer to use the loo wearing just my underwear as its more comfortable especially now its warmer and I know I might be there a while ! When I got in the bathroom I quickly dropped my white pants and sat on the loo , i was pretty desperate for a wee and it didn 't take long before a heavy stream started up and tinkled down into the bowl . As my wee stream died away I took some deep breaths and tried to relax , I knew I wouldn 't be able to have a poo if I was wound up and tense . I sat for a couple of minutes breathing deeply and started to feel a slight urge building in my belly . I started to push gently , massaging my belly as I did so . Quite soon I could feel a log moving down inside me and starting to poke out of my bum , I was pleased as I hadn 't expected such a quick result . As I continued to push I noticed I had quite bad skidmarks in my pants , as well as being plain white they were also rather on the small side and so were giving me a massive wedgie . Luckily I didn 't have PE today or someone might have noticed ! I carried on pushing and grunting , I didn 't have to worry as there was no - one else home . I love it when I can use the loo in peace and don 't even have to care about the noises I 'm making . After a few good pushes and grunts my first log made a loud plop as it fell intStevie It is Saturday and I have not pooped since early Wednesday morning . When I got out of bed , I knew I was full and would go sometime today but didn 't know when . As a safety precaution , I put on protective underwear before going shopping . Walking through a store I felt the pressure build . I knew it would be soon but the restrooms in that store are filthy . I clinched my muscles and drove to another store . In that store , the restrooms were in the back . I was turtle heading and almost didn 't make it . In the restroom , I dropped a long soft but solid poo . I sat there several minutes and thought I was finished . I looked around that store and shopped at three others before going home . I was home and relaxing on the sofa when pressure came on suddenly like gas . I pushed it out but it was not gas . . . I needed a restroom NOW . I had to walk past my dad to get out of the living room and past my mum in the kitchen to get to the restroom . I could not hold any longer . I started pooping as I walked past my dad . Now wearing pooped panties , I needed to detour to the bedroom for clean clothes . I had to walk past my mum to go upstairs , grab clean panties , and walk past mum again ( I put the panties in my pocket ) to get to the restroom . Hi everyone ! Good news - we 've got a new router for our internet in our house at uni , and now it lets Emma and I post ! I 'll post about what has been happening this week , but today I wanted to start at the beginning . The day after I came back to uni was Hannah 's birthday , and we all went out for a meal at a posh Indian place . They did a curry buffet thing , where you helped yourself to different curries and rice from individual ovens and they gave out naan bread and poppadums . We all ate loads and stuffed ourselves to get the best value out of our meal . The next morning I woke up with a full feeling in my gut . It was early so I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep . A while later I felt the urge to poo and it was quite strong . I wanted to get up and go but I was so comfortable . After a few minutes I heard Lauren come out of her room and come downstairs to the toilet . She locked the door and I listened in . She sat down and weed for a bit , and then let out a huge fart and a groan . Then I heard two plops and then a couple of spurts of wet poo came sputtering out . She groaned again and let out some more runny poo . By now I could tell my poo would be of similar consistency and I was hoping she 'd hurry up . She dropped two more logs and then some more runny poo . Another fart came next and over the next couple of minutes there were a few more plops and spurts of poo . Then she went silent for a couple of minutes and then I heard her wipe . She came out after ten minutes and I waited a little while before I went in . It still smelled quite strongly but I needed to go so I dropped my pyjama trousers and sat . I did a short wee first but before I could finish the first of my poo came squirting out . It was hot and runny and felt very good ! I had to give out a quiet moan too . More poo came spurting out and then a couple of solid logs . I farted twice and then let out more mushy poo and another log . It all felt great to let out such a load of crap that had been brewing all night , and I spent about 10 minutes using the toilet too . Yesterday I went out to a lecture that was in the engineering building and by the end I really needed to go for a number 2 . I made my way to the nearest toilets . There were two cubicles and they were both taken . There was a smell of poo in the air but as I walked in one of the cubicles opened and a girl came out . I replaced her and noticed there were poo stains in the toilet . The seat was nice and warm as I sat down . The girl in the cubicle to my right shuffled around a bit and I heard a splash as she pooed . I had a quick wee and then got settled for my poo . As my first turd worked its way out I looked under the partition and I could see the other girls ' jeans bunched up around her feet . It was a long log and it crackled as it came out and plopped into the bowl . Another started following very soon after . There was another plop from my neighbour and then someone else came into the toilets but walked out again when they realised it was full . My second log fell into the bowl with another splash . Next came 6 or 7 small pieces that were quite hard to pass and took a while for me to push out . During this time my neighbour was mostly silent with only a couple of plops from her . A few more girls came into the toilets and then left again when they realised it was busy . Someone came in and stood by the sinks waiting . After I pushed out the last of my pieces I wiped myself and flushed . The girl who was waiting took my place and as I left my neighbour was still in her cubicle . I had been in there for 15 minutes and I had no idea how long she 'd been in there before I arrived , so I can only assume she was having a difficult poo ! Has anyone ever wondered how a bride manages to go to the toilet wearing her wedding dress as it must take ages to take it off . The worse nightmare would be to have the runs . I can just imagine a beautifull bride at the altar with her panties full of diarrhoea & no one knowing . Has any one ever had this experience ? Hi everyone , Abbie here with my latest story . Yesterday I had some free time so I decided to go for a jog . I 've been getting quite stressed lately as I have exams coming up soon , and I thought that a bit of exercise would help me to relax . The trouble was , on the way back I started to feel an urgent need for a poo . I should have guessed that was going to happen , I haven 't managed to empty my bowels over the last couple of days so I knew that there would be a load up there waiting to come out . As I was running through a field I was getting bad stomach cramps , I realised I would have to have my poo in a small wooded area just before I got back into the houses or else it would be too late . I certaintly didn 't think I 'd manage to make it back home without pooing my pants . I jogged into the trees and stopped when I got to a small clearing . I could feel the poo starting to poke out of my bum as I pulled my blue shorts and green pants down and squatted . I started to wee into the grass and felt my poo starting to move slowly out . Just at that moment I heard a noise in the trees to the side of me and suddenly a girl appeared . She looked to be a couple of years younger than me and was wearing black leggings and a white tee - shirt . I was really embarased to be there having a poo in front of her but with a turd sticking out of my bum there wasn 't exactly much I could do . She blushed when she saw me and then said " Sorry to disturb you but I 'm bursting for the loo as well " and with that she pulled down her leggings and her orange pants and squatted just across from me . I heard her wee spattering down into the grass and then I realised she wanted a poo as well as I could hear her pushing , panting and farting . For a few minutes all was quiet apart from a few farts from her , it seemed we were both having to push quite hard to open our bowels . Soon I could feel that the widest part of my turd was through , it dropped with a thud shortly after and then I pushed out a few more pieces to finish . The girl was still pooing as I pulled upPostman I really liked your story . It must have been a huge relief to get rid of that turd . Been in that situation before , so I know where you 're coming from . A couple of weeks ago , I was in the bathroom , taking my morning dump , when the phone rang . I dropped the paper I was reading , wiped , pulled up my pants , and headed out to answer the phone . Usually , the only time the phone rings at that time of the morning , it 's a co - worker who lives near me needing a ride to work . By the time I got to the phone , my son had answered the phone , and it wasn 't for me anyway . Yesterday I posted a story about pooping my pants . This morning a little after 5 : 00 AM the dog woke me up . I assumed she needed to go out . I pulled back the covers and stood . Within seconds my bum felt cold . I reached behind me and felt wetness . I turned and looked at the bed and saw the bed was wet where I was sleeping . I peed my bed . Next page : Old Posts page 2032 >< Previous page : 2034 Back to the Toilet ToiletStool . com , " Boldly bringing . com to your bodily functions . " Go to Page . . . Forum Survey

Hey all , I just wanted to let you know that I 'm sick ( bleh ) and wont be up to writing for awhile . So I figured I would post this to keep you greedy readers busy for awhile while I stop feeling like crap : DI don 't think there 's any of my little extras in here , but since so many people tried so hard ( I got like 15 emails about the guesses ) I figured I would tell you . So if you don 't care just skip to the story . The character names in Revolution are from Doctor who companions ( Rose Tyler , Mickey , Donna noble , Martha Jones ) and the disney reference was Pocahontas ( They 're different than us , which means they cant be trusted ) Enjoy Aaron walked down the quiet street , his cane tapping his path before him . The cold night air scared away any wanderers that the dark already didn 't . Aaron didn 't mind the dark though , it was all he knew . He heard faint footsteps behind him . He knew it was more than one person but tried to ignore it . ' Probably just some homeless guys . ' He shrugged . The footsteps started at his pace but were slowly speeding up and getting closer . Aaron new he wouldn 't stand a chance at a run so he could do nothing but wait for it to happen . One of the owners of the footsteps behind him grabbed his shoulder and spun him around , throwing him at a wall . His shoulder hit hard and he grunted . " Give me your wallet . " The guy holding him to the wall said . Aaron knew this was directed at him and quickly fished out his wallet . He held it out in his open hand , not knowing where the other mans hands were . " Come on , Craig , just give him his money back . " The same voice from before said . The voice was gravely and still squeaked . It was obvious these were teenagers . " What else you got , man ? " He felt the foul smelling breath on his face again . He could feel the man looking him up and down . " Give me your rings . " Aaron quickly did as he was told and took off the rings he wore on his hands . He liked them but they weren 't worth his life . " Piece of shit . " The boy who had been holding him down punched him hard . His dark glasses fell to the ground and he heard one of the thugs step on them . They crunched under his feet and he heard them laugh . Then he heard and great sound , he heard the familiar sound of a police siren . " I think so . " Aaron rubbed his cheek where he had been punched . He felt a cut under his eye and winced . He heard the officer kneal down and help him up . His breath washed over his face and it smelled like cinnamon . Aaron hid his smile and leaned against the wall . " No , I didn 't . Can you hand me my cane , please ? " Aaron asked . The cop stood there for a moment , maybe looking on the ground for the white and black cane , and then bent to pick it up . Aaron held out his hand and felt the comforting weight of the cane . " Your eye is bleeding pretty badly , come on I 'll take you to the hospital . It looks like you 're going to need stitches . " The cop said . They stood there awkwardly for a moment . Aaron finally reached out for his shoulder and found the hard muscle of the cops biceps . Aaron slid his hand up the uniform and held onto his shoulder . Holding the cane off the ground he smiled . " Lead me to your car , please ? " The cop moved silently and opened the passanger side door for him . Aaron lowered himself into the car , careful to not hit his head . He heard and felt the door close and heard the cop as he walked around . The drive to the hospital was quiet and Aaron remembered he was pretty far from the nearest hospital . " Oh , I 'm sorry . I 'm Officer Larson . " Aaron could hear the smile in his voice . " You can call me Sam though . " " I 'm Aaron . " " Nice to meet you Aaron . Wish we could have met on better circumstances . " He laughed . " I guess . " They arrived at the hospital then and Sam led Aaron inside . He directed Aaron towards a row of chairs while he went to talk to the nurse . He came back a few minutes later . " It will be awhile until they can see you . I 'll stick around to give you a ride home once they 're done . " Sam sat next to him . " It 's my job , besides , I couldn 't leave a pretty thing like you alone . " Sam gave a sly smile . Aaron barked a laugh . " Do you want me to hit on you ? " Aaron could hear the pout in his voice . He closed his mouth and chewed one of his lips for a moment . He soon nodded his head slowly , turning back to Sam . " Why yes , yes I do . " They laughed and the nurse came over , telling them the doctor could see Aaron . Sam waited while Aaron got his stitches and heard him tapping his way down the halls of the hospital . He stood and walked with Aaron out to his squad car . " I didn 't mean that you are helpless . Just that you should have somebody with you , what if you get hurt or something ? " Sam said , he gestured his hands even though he knew the other man couldn 't see him . " I don 't need someone to follow me around and babysit . I do fine on my own , I have all of my life . " Aaron was furious , he had thought the cop was charming at first , it turned out that he was just as ignorant as everyone else . Silence passed between the two and Sam thought about what he had said . " I 'm sorry , I didn 't mean to imply that you needed someone to take care of you . You 're an adult and just because you 're blind doesn 't mean you cant take care of yourself . " Sam sighed . " I didn 't say that . I said I had taken care of myself all my life . I went blind when I was ten . " Aaron said . " And what not . " Aaron laughed . He turned around , tapping his way to the door , where the doorman opened the door for him . Sam watched him vanish into the building before pulling away . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Sam set his keys down onto the kitchen counter and pulled off his tie as he went . He stretched and kicked off his shoes before crawling into bed . He pulled off his pants and shirt and threw them lazily onto the floor . He turned his head to look at the picture of his wife . The stinging pain of grief in his chest hit him again and he had to turn his head away . He rolled over onto his side , pulling the warm blankets over him . He yawned once more before slipping into a dark slumber . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Aaron stepped out of the elevator and pulled his keys out of his pocket . He walked the correct number of paces and turned towards the door . He stepped through and closed it behind him . He hung the keys on a hook he knew was there , along with his cane which folded easily . He stepped to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water . He downed it quickly and poured himself another one . He took the glass down the hall and to the bedroom . He considered a shower and then decided he was too tired and would take one in the morning . He made a mental note to buy new glasses and rolled onto his side . He sighed once before falling asleep . The next morning Aaron jumped into the shower . The hot water eased his tense muscles from the other night . He let the water run over his face , washing away the grime from the unclean streets he had been mugged on . He took his time in the hot shower and only stepped out once the water had began to cool . He dried himself and was just about to get dressed when the phone rang . He walked through the apartment with confidence , he knew his way around well . He picked up the phone on the fifth ring . " Huh ? Oh , this is a business call . We picked up a bunch of kids not far from where you were mugged , another mugging . " Sam said . " Yeah , I remember their voices . " Aaron said . " Can you be down here soon ? I 'm not sure how long we can hold them . " Sam said , there was a lot of noise in the background . Aaron reached over to the digital clock he knew was there and hit the button . " Alright . " Aaron hung up and went to his closet . He read the braille on the metal tags on the hangers . He picked out his outfit and got dressed quickly . He grabbed his keys and cane and headed out the door . As he rode the elevator down he called for a cab . As the doors opened he flipped his watch open and felt the hands on the face , 8 : 25 . The cab arrived and Aaron told him where to go . Sam was waiting for him inside the building . " Aaron , hey ! " Aaron could hear Sam hit his leg on a desk he was walking around and quickly walk up to him . " Hey . " Aaron smiled , trying to focus . The police department was very loud and hectic . It was hard to focus on one thing when you used your ears for everything and not your eyes . " Here . " Sam said , as he opened a door for Aaron who stepped through . The room was obviously sound proof , because the second the door was closed it was dead quiet . Aaron searched for any sounds or smells that would tell him what was going on . All he heard was a few people shifting and someone tapping on a metal table . " I fold them . A ten I fold long ways , fives in half , twenty 's are bent at the corners . " Aaron said . He heard Sam walk over to the table and pick something up . " That 's fine . There 's only four and I 'm sure we can connect the last guy . " Sam said . After hearing another three guys speak Aaron was able to confirm that two were there during the mugging , and Sam told him the fourth was the one who had been carrying the wallet . " Then , I 'll call you . " Sam smiled . Aaron waved good - bye and walked down the steps of the police station , onto the sidewalk . He had only gone a few steps when his cell phone rang . He picked it up on the third ring . " You wanna get lunch with me ? " Sam asked . Aaron turned around to where he knew Sam was still standing . He hung up and put the phone back in his pocket . " I know this great diner . " ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Sam and Aaron walked into the diner and sat down at a booth . They laughed from the conversation they had been having when they entered the diner . " No , thank you . " He said to Sam , " I 'll have a fried chicken salad , ranch dressing , no tomato 's please . " " Sure thing . " The waitress said , and walked off . " God , I gotta say , I 'm really impressed . There 's no way I would be able to survive a day being blind . " Sam laughed . Aaron smiled and took a sip of his water . " So tell me about yourself . Married ? " Aaron asked . " Yeah , well , I was in charge of his case . I got obsessed and got too close to the case . When I started to find out who it was , he went after my family . He killed my wife . " Aaron could hear how hard this was for Sam to talk about . " No , " Sam chuckled , " I always knew I was bisexual . My wife never had a problem with it and we even experimented a little . I like men more , but I loved her so much . " Sam said . A silence passed between them as if they were at her funeral , again . " So what about you , I gave you my sob story its time for yours . " Sam laughed . Aaron could hear him pick up a tissue and knew he was probably dabbing at his eyes which had teared up . " Well , there 's not much to say . I had a nice family , a decent amount of money , a nice home . I was in a car crash when I was ten , both of my parents died , my sister was in a coma for a month before she died , and I went blind due to a head injury . " Aaron shrugged . " I didn 't , well at least I didn 't adjust well . I had to go to a special needs school . A shady one at that . The orphanages were disgusting , I got into lots of fights , I never knew how to pick my battles and got my ass kicked a lot . Finally , when I was about fifteen , I met this guy who taught me how to stop being a prick . He was like a dad to me , made sure I stayed out of trouble and helped me cope with what had happened five years before . " " Who was he ? " Sam asked . Aaron looked up from the table , he still hadn 't gotten replacement glasses so the strange , unfocused , gray eyes stared straight at Sam . " He was the school janitor , " Aaron said . " Amazing how some of the wisest , best people in life can be seen as failures . " He chuckled . " Yeah , I learned how to take care of myself , how to read braille , walk with a cane , all that jazz . I guess up until that moment I was trying to avoid it . I didn 't want to accept that I would never see again . " Aaron shrugged . Their food arrived and they began eating when Aaron spoke again . " No , of course not . They 're beautiful actually . " Sam smiled , the blue gray film over his eyes gave him a haunted look that was quite attractive . " I do , want there to be a next time that is . " Sam smiled . Aaron turned towards him and smiled at what he hoped was eye level . " How about tomorrow night , I 'm a pretty fantastic cook actually . " Aaron raised his chin , proud of himself . " Yeah , seven o clock . Don 't be late . " Aaron smiled , and pulled out his phone , calling for a cab . Sam watched him leave and as he walked up the stairs to the police station , counting the hours until their date . " Shit . " he grumbled , he threw his work clothes off and jumped in the shower quickly . He washed himself as fast as he could while still making sure everything was clean . He jumped out of the shower and dried himself before dressing in something a little more casual then his work clothes , and sexier . He pulled the tight jeans up over the bubble of his ass and buttoned them before buttoning his shirt up and making sure the collar was folded correctly . He ran past the clock again and hit the button . " Sam . " The deep familiar voice answered . He smiled before running his hands down the front of his shirt , making sure it was straight and opened the door . " I may look confident but you have no idea how many times I 've broken my nose from running into a wall or falling face first on the floor . " Aaron blushed . He was nervous and was trying to keep the food from burning . " Oh , " Sam said , as if he was just remembering something , " I brought some wine , figured since you were cooking I had to chip in somehow . " Sam smiled . Aaron turned towards the table and held his hands out for the bottle . " But I wanted to . It 's good stuff , I promise . " Sam laughed , " The food smells great ! " He stood up and walked over towards Aaron . " I 'm glad you 're happy with what you do . " Sam nodded . Minutes later , dinner was ready and Aaron set down the plates of warm pasta . " It 's so much fun to do that to seeing people . " Aaron laughed . He took a sip of his wine and realized Sam was right , it was good indeed . " Then you wash , I 'll dry . Okay ? " Sam stood off to Aaron 's left and grabbed the dishes he was finished washing . They washed the dishes silently , enjoying each others company . Once the dishes were done , Aaron went and sat on the couch , bringing Sam with him . Halfway through , Aaron began getting tired and leaned on Sam . Soon he was lying with his head on Sam 's lap and his legs spread out across the couch . Sam stroked his hair gently as he watched the movie , and Aaron enjoyed the delicate touch . " It 's not something that usually attracts a guy to you . I know a lot of guys say they can handle it but they just can 't and then they leave . . . I don 't want to go through that again . " Aaron said . " You wont have to . I 'm not going anywhere unless you want me to . " Sam said , gently . Neither of them were watching the movie now . " He was a fool to leave you . " Sam said , quietly , but loud enough so that Aaron could hear him . Aaron looked up at Sam , not really seeing anything , just wanting to face him . He pushed himself up with his arm and found Sam 's lips . They kissed , tongues licking gently at each others lips . Aaron opened his mouth and let Sam in . He stayed submissive in the kiss and allowed Sam to ravish his mouth . What began as a small sensual kiss , turned into a full make out session like they were two teenagers at a movie . " Okay . " Sam picked up the smaller man easily , he carried him down the hall and found the bedroom . He set Aaron down on the soft black comforter and began kissing a trail down his neck . He reached the collar of his shirt and unbuttoned it quickly , throwing it on the floor . " I 'll get it later . " Sam mumbled between kisses . Aaron let himself be swallowed by the bigger man 's arms and mouth . Sam stripped him quickly and did the same for himself . He noticed a slight blush on Aaron 's cheeks and his hands covering himself . " I just . . . I 'm not very big . " Aaron whispered . Sam kissed his cheeks and brushed his hands away . He looked down at Aaron 's slightly smaller dick and kissed him again . " You 're perfect , love . " Sam licked at his lips and moved to nibble Aaron 's ear while jacking him off slowly . They undressed each other completely and Aaron fondled Sam 's balls lovingly . " Want you in me . " Aaron said after a moment had passed . Sam began toying with his tight hole , pushing a few fingers in and out , using the lube he had gotten from his bedside table . One he was easily pushing three fingers in and out of Aaron 's opening , he lined his cock up and began pressing into the smaller man . " Sorry . " Sam kissed his temple and let Aaron adjust . He waited until Aaron relaxed and would push in again . Soon he was buried in to the hilt and thrusting in and out of Aaron 's tight hole . " Harder . " Aaron ignored Sam 's comment and just begged with need . Sam pumped his swollen cock into him harder until they were both on the edge of orgasm . " Cum with me , Sam . " Aaron begged . Sam thrusted into Aaron 's hot channel once more and filled him with his seed . " Shit ! " Aaron hissed and relaxed once his cock stopped shooting his release . He sighed and curled up with Sam . " A ball , huh ? Like with tuxes and dancing and music ? " Aaron said , with disgusted and uninterested face . " Yeah I can do that . " He laughed smiling . Sam laughed and kissed him firmly on the lips . " Of course not , I told you last night , I don 't care that you 're blind . And I definitely don 't care what people think . " Sam said . Aaron swung his legs over the side of the bed and stretched . He walked into the bathroom and brushed his teeth . " I 'll have to go home at some point to shower and change , you know . " Sam said , kissing him on the back of the neck . Aaron spit into the sink and rinsed his mouth . " That sounds like a lot of feet . " Aaron held his cane close to him , off the floor . He stood quietly in the doorway as Sam greeted the dogs . " There 's four of them . " Sam pulled Aaron down so he was on his knees to pet the dogs . As soon as he was down enough , the four different dogs leaped on him and began smothering his face in kisses . " This is Shadow , " Sam put his hand on a rough one with wiry fur , " And this is Bongo , " He put his hand on a small puppy with soft fur , " Macy . " His hand landed high above his own head while he was on his knees , it was obvious the dog was a Great Dane or a small horse , " And Oslo . " Sam put his head on a loud faced pug . " They 're cute . " Aaron repeated , it had been awhile since he had been around dogs but he was enjoying it . Several of them had rolled over to allow him access to their stomachs , and Bongo was chewing on his shoe . " Hold him , I 'll go shower and change real fast . " Sam said . Aaron sat with the young puppy , playing with a small rope . The tiny growls that came from the blonde fuzz ball made Aaron smile and giggle . " What ? It 's not like you haven 't seen me . . . . . . oh . " Sam joked . Aaron pushed him and felt his bare chest underneath his hand . " Let me go get dressed . " Sam kissed him . Aaron blushed and sat on the floor , calling Bongo to him . Soon the little puppy frolicked up to his lap and curled up , falling asleep quickly . " Yeah , but I can dream cant I ? " Sam grabbed Aaron 's hand and pulled him up . He stroked the puppy that Aaron had in his hands . " I wouldn 't mind moving for these cuties . " Aaron laughed as the other dogs played happily . " I 'm glad you like them , I 've always loved animals . " Sam said . " The light hurts some peoples eyes , when they 're blind . Really , it 's just a preference for me . It makes some people uncomfortable . " Aaron shrugged . " Yeah , I know , but I like your eyes . They 're pretty and show a lot of emotion . " Sam said . Aaron blushed and looked down . " Then don 't wear them , do what makes you happy . " Sam set down the pair of glasses he was looking at . Aaron squeezed the top of his cane nervously . " I don 't know , you really don 't think its weird ? I don 't want people to stare or anything . " Aaron fiddled with his cane more . He felt Sam 's hands slide around his waist in a hug . " You 're right , I 'm tired of hiding behind glasses . However , I 'm not tired of hiding behind shirts , not quite ready to go nudist yet . Help me pick something out for the dinner ? " Aaron asked . " Good point , keep your clothes on . At least when we 're around other people . " Sam nibbled his ear before they walked off towards the formal dress store . " Aaron , " Sam grabbed his shoulders , " You look stunning , trust me . " He said , and it was true . The three button suit he wore showed off how young he was . His black hair matched the color of the new cane he had bought and the dark blue of the suit matched Sam 's uniform . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ " Hey ! Sam , glad you can make it . I thought you said you weren 't coming ? " One of Sam 's friends from the station walked up to them . " Hey , Rich . I wasn 't going to since I didn 't have a date , didn 't feel like going alone you know ? " Sam smiled . " Hi , I 'm Aaron . " Aaron held out his hand . The grip in which Rich shook it nearly broke some bones . He smiled and rubbed his sore hand . " No , it 's not so bad . It 's just quiet talking . At the police station it 's too much , with all the yelling and phones and what not . " Aaron said as they walked around the large room . Aaron had folded his cane and hung it from his belt , letting Sam lead him around . " You really do . I 've dated since my wife died but it was just never the same . With you . . . . I don 't know I just feel like I 'm alive again . " Sam said . " Good , I don 't want to date a dead man . " Aaron turned towards him and smiled . Sam looked at his beautiful face for a moment before speaking . " Come on , please . Don 't be nervous . " Sam stopped on an empty spot of the dance floor and pulled Aaron to his chest . The top of the blind man 's head reached Sam 's chin . Sam began swaying them back and forth to the music . " You 're a lucky man , I 'm Andrew , " The man said , " And this is my wife , June . " " Hello . " Aaron nodded towards the mans voice , and the unheard woman . " He 's a good guy , Aaron . I 've known him for years , I went to the same high school with him and June . If he scares you then we 'll just stay away from him tonight . " Sam said . " Okay . " Aaron shrugged . He supposed that if Sam had known him for as long as he said he had then he couldn 't be all bad . " I think you 're drunk . " Sam chuckled . Aaron held up a hand with a small distance between his fingers , in the ' little - bit ' sign . " I won 't regret it . I already let you fuck me . " " Good point , but I still don 't want to take any chances . " Sam laughed . " Okay . " Sam gave in , and began helping the drunk , blind man to unbutton his pants . Once his pants were several feet away on the floor , Aaron pulled down his underwear and sucked his limp cock into his mouth . He suckled the cock until it was fully erect and throbbing . Sam moaned and placed a hand on his head , encouraging the smaller man as he milked his cock for all he was worth . " Oh god , That 's it . " Sam moaned . His cock began throbbing and his balls tightened up . Aaron moaned while swallowing his dick whole . The vibrations rolled up and down Sam 's cock , coaxing the swollen pole to spew the pearly cum . Sam ran his hand through Aaron 's hair and bunched his hand in a fist as he exploded into Aaron 's warm mouth . " Mmm , you taste nice . " Aaron swallowed the load in his mouth , licking his lips . Sam panted as his orgasm subsided , finally he stood up and pulled Aaron onto the bed with him . He kissed him firmly on the lips and could taste himself on his tongue . He wrapped the smaller man in his arms and the two fell asleep quickly . " How was your day , babe ? That kid , whats his name ? Mitch , is he doing any better ? " Sam asked , as he bit into his burger . " But we would have never known if you hadn 't had talked to the kid , you 're the one who noticed his parents were abusive , Aaron . You probably saved his life . " Sam reached across the table and stroked his face . " Why , what 's going on ? " " I shouldn 't talk about it . " Sam shook his head . Aaron knew that if Sam couldn 't talk about it , it was serious . " Do you think they 're connected ? " Aaron asked . Sam sighed and looked at his boyfriend , he didn 't want to worry him but he felt like he needed to tell him . " I guess , but its exactly the same . Things we didn 't release to the public , things that only us and ' The Ripper ' would know . " " Maybe someone released information ? " " We would have known about it . " Sam reasoned . " It 's been years . Why is he starting all of this again now ? If he is , I mean . " " I don 't know . The killings started randomly last time too . Apart from . . . her . . . he only kills men , ages twenty to forty . . . " Sam thought out loud . " Sir , we found another one . " One of the lower ranking officers barged into the interrogation room . Aaron nodded for him to go and Sam rushed out of the room , followed by the other officer . " I 'll see you around . " Andrew said . " Yeah , maybe . " Aaron swallowed nervously again , hoping the other man couldn 't hear it . " I didn 't mean it like that , I 'm glad you 're here . But what 's the occasion ? " He walked over and wrapped his arms around Aaron . " I . . . I think that we both know how much we mean to each other , and we 've been seeing each other for awhile now . . . " " Yeah . . . " " And . . . I mean it 's kind of hard for me to live alone , I can 't believe they even let me . . . . But I just think that . . . I don 't mean that I want this just because I need someone to take care of me , because I don 't , I do fine on my own . . . " Aaron babbled . Sam smiled , knowing what he was trying to ask . He interrupted his prattling with a kiss . " Yes , I 'll move in with you . " Sam said . Aaron stood there shocked for a moment and then his face cracked into a huge smile . " Really ? I mean , I was hoping you would say that , and I - " He was interrupted with another kiss . " If you don 't mind though , I think it would be better if you moved in here with me . I own the house , and your place doesn 't allow pets . " Sam reasoned . " You 're right , I forgot about that . I would love to . " Aaron blushed , he didn 't often get nervous besides the occasional blush , but when he did he was adorable . " We can move you in this weekend , yeah ? " " Well , I mean he didn 't REALLY threaten me , he just . . . I don 't know he just scares me is all . He told me if I was smart I would leave . " Aaron said . " He said it was because you were leaving , and it wasn 't smart to sit around waiting if you weren 't going to be back any time soon . " " Thats all ? He just worded it weird , babe . " Sam sighed . Aaron didn 't believe it for a second but didn 't want to argue . " Dear Samuel , I 'm sure you remember me from before . We were quite close , at least I was . You were catching up to me , but not fast enough . Not fast enough for your wife anyways . Well here 's your second chance . The hunt begins again Sam . " Sam threw the letter onto the table and put his head in his hands . " But what if it won 't be okay ? " Sam snapped . " What if I lose you too ? " Tears fell from his eyes , Aaron felt the warm tears drip onto the hand that was caressing his face . " You won 't . " Aaron promised . " I know that nothing can keep us apart . " Aaron said . " Not even a crazed serial killer playing a very bloody game of chess with you . " Aaron joked . Sam laugh between sobs until the tears stopped . Sam hugged him tight , comforted by his lovers embrace . The letter was forgotten and the two men crawled into bed together . " Yeah , as usual , not a single one . But we haven 't opened it yet , there might be some inside . " Mat put on a second glove and ripped open the spotless white envelope . Another letter was inside . He opened it and something fell out . Dear Sam , will you ever learn ? You 've lost one person due to your obsession , and now you 'll lose another . Sam 's blood froze and he looked down at what had fallen out . He picked up the fallen item and turned it over . " No . " He dropped the letter on the floor and ran out to the building . The other officer picked it up with his gloved hands and also picked up the item that had caused Sam to run out of the room . Folded inside the letter , was a picture of Sam and Aaron from the ball . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Aaron walked through the house carefully , counting his steps down the hallway to the bathroom , trailing his hand on the wall as he went . He turned and counted again back to the kitchen . He heard a faint sound and turned his head towards it . " Sam ? " He said after a moment of listening , the man had just left and Aaron figured he had forgotten something . He walked out to the living room . " What did you forget ? " Aaron asked . He walked towards the door and felt the lock , still closed . He scrunched his brow and shook his head , he hadn 't heard anything . He returned to the long task of memorizing the steps to each room and piece of furniture that posed a threat . He heard another sound and this time was sure of it . " Who 's there ? " he asked . He moved to the source of the sound . The bedroom was empty , it was easy to sense people in a room , usually by shuffling feet or heavy breathing . The room was silent except for the steady cool breeze blowing in Aaron 's face . He walked across the room carefully and shut the window . " I didn 't leave that - " He felt the cool blade slide around his neck . He froze instantly and felt a gloved finger press against his lips in the ' Shh ' motion . He swallowed nervously and felt the knife 's blade press into his throat . He wanted to scream but knew if he did , no one would get there in time to help him . Suddenly there was a sharp pain in the back of his head and if he hadn 't been blind , everything would have gone dark . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ " Aaron ? " Sam shouted , unlocking the door as fast as he could . There was no answer in the room . In the bedroom a single white envelope sat on the bed . " Don 't fuck with me ! " He shouted , several cops stood looking at the enraged Sam . " I swear to god if you hurt him I will do unimaginable things to you . " Sam spat between his teeth . " Don 't you fucking lie to me ! " Sam turned and threw him over a desk . Several officers finally stepped forward to hold him back . " I 'll fucking kill you ! " He shouted , fighting back the three officers holding him back just barely . A fourth got in front of him and shoved him back , away from Andrew . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Aaron woke up to the sound of dripping water . His mind was fogged as he tried to remember what had happened and then it all struck him at once . He jumped up from where he was lying , or at least tried to . Several ropes were tied around his arms and legs , keeping him from moving more than a few inches . He struggled and felt the cold blade against his cheek . It was the flat side of the knife but it was no less threatening . He stopped his struggle and froze . A gloved hand patted him on the cheek as a reward for stopping his struggles . He heard the footsteps move around him and felt the knife sliding down his skin , he realized he was completely naked and was shivering in the cold damp room . " Please , just let me go I wont tell anyone , I can 't even identify you , I 'm blind and you haven 't said anything , please I - " He wasn 't below begging at this point but the cold knife cut him off as its pointed tip dug into his right leg . He screamed and tried to wiggle away from the knife but had no where to go . The pain stopped and he could feel warm blood flowing down his leg , though it didn 't feel like the killer had cut deep , thankfully . He learned his lesson , no talking . He waited patiently as the solid boot steps echoed on the concrete floor . The knife ran up and down each leg , not breaking skin but coming damn close . He whimpered quietly as the knife ran up his left side now . " You 're ' The Ripper ' , aren 't you ? " Aaron whispered . The knife was immediately at his neck , and the murderer was slowly applying more and more pressure , until a thin line of red blood spilled forth from his throat . As soon as the blood came forward , the knife was removed . Aaron cried as the hushed shushing sound came from The Ripper 's mouth , his breath washing over Aaron 's face . Aaron shuddered and tried to stop crying , he remembered what had happened to Sam 's wife and could only pray that history wouldn 't repeat itself . " But you 've known him all your life . You think you 've been friends with a killer for years ? " " I don 't know , all I know , is that not too long ago , he and Aaron got into it , and now Aaron could be . . . . " He couldn 't finish the sentence , tears fell from his eyes and he tried to hold back the sobs . " I can 't lose him . I nearly didn 't make it through losing my wife , I can 't lose him too . He 's all I have left . " Sam buried his head in his hands and sobbed . " Why don 't you go home ? We can handle things here until you pull yourself together enough . " Sam nodded and agreed to let one of the other cops drive him home . He walked into the empty house and sighed . His dogs had been drugged when Aaron was taken and all of them were at the vet . Except Bongo who had been spared , probably because of his small size . He posed no threat to anyone . Sam fell into bed and inhaled the scent of Aaron 's shampoo . Bongo struggled to jump up onto the tall bed but eventually Sam had to help him up . He curled up on Aaron 's pillow , staring at Sam with sad , lost , lonely eyes . " I miss him too , but we 'll get him back . I swear to God I 'll get him back . " Sam pet the small puppy as he made his vows . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ It had been two days . He had been tied down to the table in the same spot for two days . His bladder burned and he needed to go badly and didn 't know how much longer he would be able to hold it . The ropes around his wrists had begun digging into his flesh , leaving swollen red marks from his struggling . The burns hurt and every time he even turned his wrist his entire arm felt like it was on fire from the ropes . Several minor stab wounds were spread over his body , though most of them had scabbed over by now . He heard the door open to what he had began to call The Dungeon , and the familiar boots step in . He swallowed , ready to feel the cold metal of the knife against his tender flesh . But it didn 't come . The sound of something hollow and metal falling onto the ground was loud and broke the two day long silence , he jumped and felt the burning in his wrists , he hissed at the pain and tried to hold still . The underwear he was allowed to wear was pulled down roughly , and a cold metal bucket was held up to him . It was clear what it was for and Aaron wasn 't going to argue . He quickly emptied his bladder with a crimson face , shamed that this man could control everything he did . His stomach growled and he risked it . " It 's been two days , please , just a little food and wat - " He was cut off by the scream that pierced the air as the knife was lodged in his shoulder . Every time he spoke , the punishment got worse , and this time was no exception . The knife was held in his shoulder for a good thirty seconds before his screaming , and pain , began to subside . As soon as he began to quiet , the knife was ripped out of his shoulder , bringing in a whole new flood of pain and screaming . The Ripper pulled up his underwear , and left the room wordlessly . In the two days he had been kept here , never once had the murderer spoken . " Did you ever touch the letter that was found in Sam and Aaron 's bedroom ? " " No . " Andrew rolled his eyes . The cop eyed him for a second . " So you 're a pretty big guy , you could easily grab a smaller handicapped guy like Aaron , couldn 't you ? " " A big guy . . . " Sam said out loud . " Sam , that 's it , get out ! " " No , wait . I have an idea . " ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ " This is the only window that was open , all the others were locked and the door was locked . It 's the window to our bedroom and the room where the note was left . " Sam explained . " The thing is , it 's on the second floor . We assume the person used a ladder or something , but we don 't have one and how obvious is a person walking down the street with a ladder and a note in their hands ? " Sam asked , no one answered . " And plus on the way out they were carrying an unconscious blind guy and a ladder ? Someone would have seen . " He turned towards his bed swallowing . " But , say they had help . What if someone lifted The Ripper up on their shoulders , and then passed up the letter ? " Sam asked . The other cops seemed to ponder this . " But Andrew is kind of a big guy , it would take a huge guy to lift him up there . And even then , there 's no way he could fit through that window . " Sam gestured up at the very small window . Andrew was shifting back and forth on his feet nervously . " It would need to be someone light , and smaller . Someone who he could easily lift up to the window and knock Aaron out while placing the note . Then he would catch Aaron and the killer would be caught and put down . " Sam reasoned . The other cops were nodding , understanding what had happened but not knowing where it was going . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ The knife ran up and down Aaron 's body slowly , the man was playing with his nerves and Aaron was shaking with fear . He dug the tip of the knife in and drew a little blood . Aaron hissed and the knife was removed . " You - " The door crashed in with a loud bang and several pairs of footsteps echoed across the concrete floor . He heard several guns being cocked . The knife was pulled away from his throat and warm arms grabbed his shoulders . He screamed as the pain shot up his arm from the stab wound . " Shhh , I 'm here . I found you . " Sam kissed his face repeatedly . Aaron burst into tears and leaned his head into his strong lover as he tried to undo the ropes holding him down . Finally one of the cops came forward with a knife they used to cut the ties . Sam held Aaron close , mindful of his injured shoulder . The paramedics came flooding in and Sam had to move aside . " It 's a severe stab wound , but he should be fine . " One medic said . Sam thanked god for the eighth time that night and turned to face the person who had given him hell for a long time . " He didn 't say anything , I figured it out . " Sam sneered . June glared at him with enough hatred to melt steel . The cops carried her off to the back of a squad car , and drove off . " She was always so angry . " Andrew spoke up , " She made me do a lot of her dirty work , she said if I ever told anyone . . . . You know what she 's capable of . " " Speaking of which , " The cop continued , " We found four other bodies down here , and records of victims we didn 't even know about . " " Sam ? " Aaron whimpered . Sam walked over to his lover who was about to be put in the ambulance . " Sure , but we need to go . " ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Two months later , Aaron was leaving the hospital with his arm finally out of the sling . Now able to use his cane , Sam walked with him to the car . The doctors said he would have to wear the cast for awhile , but his arm would eventually heal and would be completely functional . And they had been right , his arm was fine now and he only felt minor pain every now and then . " I love you , baby . " Sam said once they got home . Sam leaned over to kiss his temple . " I 'm not some delicate flower , Sam . I can and will take care of myself . I understand if you want to do something nice for me , but I wont let you baby me just because I 'm blind . " " I can 't promise I won 't , but I 'm not going to let you strip me of my dignity just because I 'm blind . " Aaron said . Sam pouted harder . " Hmm . . . " Aaron 's face grew serious and he looked deep in thought , " Okay . " Aaron leaned in for a tender kiss . Sam pulled him towards the bedroom , food forgotten entirely . Aaron let himself be wrapped in Sam 's arms and thanked whoever was listening and watching over him for the man he loved .

Grandfather looked up from the book he was reading . My sister and I stood in front of him , flashing what we hoped were our most winning smiles . I was eight and Ama was six , and we were bored out of our minds . " Yaay ! " Ama said , sitting down by Grandfather 's feet and looking up into his face . I sat down on the floor too , a little distance away from Ama . " No . I will tell you a new story , children . I will tell you a story that my grandmother told me , and her grandmother told her , and which one day you will tell your grandchildren in turn . I will tell you the story of the river that fell in love . " Ama , who , being only six years old , had a hard time keeping quiet , said " A really really big river ? This big ? " She spread her arms as wide as they could go . " Nobody could remember exactly when the river became their god , nor could they remember a time when it was not so . Years passed , generations passed . Kings came and went in the village , but the river stayed eternal , and all was well with the people . " And occasionally the Spirit of the river would take the form of a man and walk among the people , unnoticed , and he would listen to their problems and commune with them , though they never knew it . He did not do this often , perhaps only once in a few decades . Gods do not lightly mingle in the affairs of men . " She did not see him ; he hid himself in the trees and watched until she was done and had gone back into the village . The Spirit made himself invisible - most gods can do that - and followed her . The woman came to the palace and went inside , and the Spirit knew who she was : daughter of the King and Queen of the village , Princess of the land . " So now the Spirit of the river walked in the village more often , always hoping to catch a glimpse of the princess . The more he saw her the more he loved her , and the more he despaired . Especially since she didn 't know who he was ; to her he was just another man from the village . And the Spirit dared not reveal himself to her , or she might be afraid , and then she would truly be lost to him . " A year passed like this . The princess was nearing the age where she would need to take a husband . The Spirit did not want this to happen . " And so the Spirit of the river sought advice . He left his watery throne and went out into the world , chasing the wind . He chased for a long time , for the Spirit of the wind is hard to catch . " The Spirit of the river returned to the village . He took the form of a man for the last time , and crept up on the princess when she was bathing alone in the forest . And there he struck her down , and stole her life and hid it , and thus the princess died . " " One day the King and Queen of the village came to the river , just as the Wind had foretold . They brought the body of their only daughter with them . They came alone , in the early hours of dawn . " The village rejoiced . The princess was eternally grateful to the river ( for she did not know that he was the one who killed her in the first place ) . The villagers made a hut by the banks of the river , and there the princess stayed . And in the nights the Spirit would appear to her , though never in the form of a man , and talk to her , and over time the princess became quite fond of him . " Well , " said Grandfather , " She missed the company of other people . She missed the chatter of the young women , and she longed for the warmth of a man . She would occasionally visit the village and watch the little children playing . Deep in her heart she wanted children of her own . A family . You cannot start a family with a river , you know . " The river was furious , thinking that the villagers had snuck in the night and stolen her away . He overflowed his banks . He destroyed the crops the villagers had planted . He poisoned their wells and drowned their livestock . And the people of the village were afraid that he would kill them all . " Now upon hearing this , the Spirit of the river was deeply saddened . It broke his heart to look into her eyes and know that she was unhappy with him . It broke his heart that he couldn 't keep the one he loved happy . It broke his heart that he was not enough for her . It broke his heart that she desired another . " So the girl went to the village . She met a young man , fell in love with him . They made plans to leave the village and the river and start a life on their own . " " The princess settled in a faraway land with her husband . There she bore him many children . There they raised a family . There they grew old together . There she finally came to know happiness . But she missed the river , and thought of him often . " Death comes to everyone eventually , child . One day it will come for me too . We just have to accept that . Besides , she was very old . " The journey took him many days and many nights , and he was no longer a young man . He was exhausted by the time he stumbled to the banks of the river , starved and near death himself . But it did not stop him . He waded in and gently lowered his wife 's body under the surface of the water . That one is told among the gods and the spirits , the children of Father Time and Mother Earth , in the language that existed before the world was made and will exist long after the world has passed away . And in that version of the story perhaps things happened differently . But then we may never know , for that is a tale of the gods , and it is not told to men . If you are reading this , I may or may not be dead . That is of no matter . What matters is that this story be told , and not be forgotten . The world has changed , and I feel that I am largely to blame . Even as I write this I only have to look out my window to see them walking around , blissfully unaware , with that look in their eyes . That blank , emptily content look that shows that particular person has made a recent trip to The Memory Bank . There are more of them every day ; the rich and the poor , the tall and the short , the young and the old . The Memory Bank was first inaugurated in 2100 . It was the culmination of my life 's work . Hailed worldwide as the Bank of the future ; a life - changing establishment . The media called it " The 22nd Century Bank " . I created The Memory Bank for Alzheimer 's patients like my Papa . It was created so that patients of that terrible disease could come and keep their precious memories in a safe place when the vault that was their mind began to fail them . They could then come back and re - live those memories . If they so chose . In the year 2113 the United States of Africa , led by General Mutombo , rose up in revolt . The Africans proclaimed that they would no longer live in the shadow of the Rest of The World , no longer provide their precious natural resources to other Nations while its children wallowed in poverty . The Africans knew full well that we could not simply nuke them into submission , for by so doing we would destroy the very resources we were trying to recover . But the war dragged on , and the soldiers who did return home were scarred for life . The horrors they had seen were tearing them apart from the inside . For as long as those memories remained , they could not adapt to the routine of normal life . The world is breaking , and the People choose to forget . Overpopulation and global warming are everywhere . Crime is at an all - time high but few cases are ever actually reported , because the People choose to forget . Children are dying in the wastelands of Africa but the War drags on , because the People choose to forget . I myself have only ever used the Memory Bank once . I was drunk and depressed one day , as I mostly was in those days . I drove too fast . There was an accident … I knew her name once , the girl I hit that day . But I could not live with the guilt . So I erased her from my memory , but no matter how hard I try I cannot completely forget her face . At the same time I cannot atone for my sin , for I cannot really remember her either . The 22nd Century Bank saw to that . I have on my desk twenty plasma grenades . I intend to set them off in the main Storage Room of The Memory Bank headquarters . The resulting explosion should sufficiently damage the storage banks , rendering the Headquarters useless . Without it , all the branches in the world will in time fail as well . The Memory Bank will be no more . Only then can humankind begin to heal . Only then can we face our demons head on and maybe , just maybe , fix the world . The year is 1914 . The night is dark , the cold biting . Even so , sweat makes our army clothes stick to our bodies like a second skin . I am lying on the bare earth , clutching my rifle to my chest . In the all - encompassing gloom it is difficult to see anything beyond a few feet ahead . This makes the wait all the more grueling , for we know the enemy is out there . There is a man lying on either side of me . I know neither of their names , but they are as close to my heart in this moment as anyone I have ever known . Any one of them may save my life in battle . We are brothers . The only songs we know now are the songs of war ; the melody of the mortar and the machine gun ; the orchestra of explosions and the opera of Death . We have sung these songs every day on the Front . They are all we have ; they are all we are . The soldier lying to my right passes me his water bottle . I take a swig and am surprised to find that it contains whiskey . A part of me wonders how he managed to come by whiskey on the battlefield , but I do not dwell on it . The drink courses through my body and warms my bones . I hand him the bottle back and he smiles at me . My heart is filled with love for this man who will be dead by dawn . We were young men once . We lived and loved and drank and fucked and had not a care in the world . We were dreamers ; the future lay in wait for us . In our hearts we were champions . Now we are old men . We are in our late teens and early twenties but we are old men still . We have seen too much Death , too much suffering . The propaganda machines back home would have you believe that we fight for a noble cause . They would have you believe that we fight and die with honor , but there is no honor in Death . There is no meaning , no poetry . There is only death in Death . We have no homes to return to in our hearts . The trenches are our home now ; the Earth is our mother . It is into her embrace that we fling ourselves when the roar of the machine guns fills the world and Devil himself walks among us . It is out of her that we are born anew when the fighting stops and the guns fall silent . We cannot remember what our lives were like before 1914 . One day the War will end . The Front and the trenches will pass away and those of us who survive will be thrown back into our old lives , lives in which we will no longer belong . We will always be a lost generation . Some of us , fueled by our memories of war , will try to change the world . One of those men will be Adolf Hitler . Most of us , though , will be dead . We may walk and talk and breathe and eat and shit , but inside we will be dead men . The War will have taken our humanity from us . We will be no more than empty shells . We are lost , and cannot find our way home . I have no idea how much time has passed since we began to keep watch . It may be hours , but who can say for sure ? The days and minutes and hours run into each other out here on the Fron - I am moving even before I know it , lifting my rifle to my eye and clicking the safety off . The enemy soldier who was crawling on his belly towards me is momentarily caught off guard . He scrambles to raise his own weapon . He reacts too late . In the last moment , he looks directly into my eye . He is scared ; I can see it plainly . But then so am I . I squeeze the trigger and the man who was my enemy and in another life might have been my friend is now a corpse . The night erupts around me . The silence is ripped apart by the staccato sound of machine guns and the answering booms of rifles ; from behind me I hear the shout of my comrades as they leap into battle . Out of the darkness before us emerge dark shadows ; armed men who have come to kill us . The enemy . The muscles on his arms and back rippled as he pushed the shovel again and again into the cold , unwilling earth . Sweat ran in rivulets down his face , joining other beads of perspiration to form little streams that flowed down his back . A cold wind picked up , but he did not feel the chill . A pale moon hung overhead , bathing the world in a silver light . He did not carry a torch ; the moon was enough . The ground was harder this year than it had been last year ; there was a dull ache in his arms already , but he wasn 't done digging . Or maybe I 'm just not as strong as I used to be , he thought . Maybe I 'm growing old . The thought saddened him . He blocked all other thoughts from his mind and fell into a rhythm : the shovel went down , soil came up . He 'd lost track of time , but it did not matter . He continued to dig . The shovel went down , soil came up . Slowly , steadily , the hole grew deeper . Dig , dig , dig . After a while - thirty minutes ? Two hours ? He could not say - he decided that it was deep enough . He stopped digging . He straightened up , letting the shovel drop from his fingers to the ground . His back ached , but he welcomed the pain . It distracted him , kept him from thinking … thinking of what he did … thinking of her … Turning his back , he walked away toward the spot where he parked his car . It was an old and battered thing , not much to look at . But the sight of it filled him with memories , as it did every time . He picked her up for their first date in this car … it seemed so long ago and yet he could remember everything . Would that he could only forget . Fishing a key from his pocket he popped open the trunk . The blood had stained through her wrappings , a deep angry blot surrounding her head . It dripped from the cloth into the trunk . He sighed . That would leave a stain . Slowly , gently , he reached into the trunk and lifted her in his arms . He took particular care not to bump her into anything on her way out . Then he turned and walked back the way he came . The walk back took shorter than he remembered ; before he knew it he was back at the site he had dug , with his shovel lying discarded in the sand . He knelt in the freshly dug earth and slowly , softly , laid her in the ground . As he did so a portion of the cloth covering her head came away , revealing her face . She had been beautiful once , but death had taken that away from her . No , not death , a voice inside him whispered , you did this . The marks that his hands had left on her face had disfigured her , left her face swollen and bleeding . But this girl had been beautiful once , as she had been beautiful , all those years ago . He first met her earlier that night . Picking her up in his battered Toyota , he drove her to the house where he lived . When they entered the living room the girl pressed her body against his , ran a slender finger down the side of his face and asked him : " So how do you want to do this ? " No doubt she was expecting him to take her up to the bedroom and fuck her . Instead he walked over to a stand beside the old fireplace . He picked up a worn ring case and opened it . Inside the case lay a ring ; a slender band of gold inset with a single blood red ruby . It was a simple thing , and beautiful in its simplicity . He carried the ring back to the girl and placed it delicately into her hand . " Put it on , " he told her . The girl 's face showed bewilderment , but only for a split second . She was a prostitute , after all , and no doubt she 'd heard much weirder requests from clients than simply ' Put on a ring ' . Smiling coyly , she eased the ring onto the middle finger of her left hand . " No . Not there , " he said to her . " Your ring finger . " The girl did as he said . The ruby caught the light in the room , glowing on her slender finger . Deep inside him he wanted to take her in his arms and tell her that he forgave her , that he understood . He wanted to tell her that everything was going to be alright . Deep inside him he wanted to succeed with this one where he had failed with all the others . He rose up out of the pit and fetched his shovel . Working with quick movements honed by years of practice , he shoveled the earth onto the dead girl . As he worked , it seemed to him that the eyes of the girl were staring straight at him . He worked faster . It took him fifteen minutes to completely cover up the grave . Once again he thought of the girl lying beneath the ground , and how he had failed with her . How he had failed with all of them . The moon hung low in the sky ; daybreak would soon be upon him . There was one final thing to be done . Casting the shovel aside once more , he reached into the pocket of his sweat - soaked trousers and drew out a package in which were seven slender roses , carefully wrapped . He opened the wrapper , and even in the dim light the pale blue color of the petals was plain . Lavender roses . One of the rarest types of rose in the world . After a while he stopped , then knelt and placed another rose on the ground . This was where he 'd buried Anna a year ago . I 'm sorry . He walked off again , and did the same for Denise . Denise , with her quick smile and big , bouncy breasts . Denise , who he 'd brought here two years ago . A short distance beyond her he did the same for Celine ( three years ago ) . After Celine he couldn 't remember their names , but he placed a rose on each of their graves anyway . Each time he whispered how sorry he was , but no matter how many times he whispered those words the guilt and the shame were always with him . And then he came to the last one . Emily 's eyes went wide as he theatrically knelt and held out the rose to her . " A lavender rose ? " she breathed . She reached out and took it slowly , as if she were afraid that moving too fast would shatter the illusion and cause everything to disappear . He smiled . He knew the symbolism of the gesture wouldn 't be lost on a flower - lover like her . Lavender roses - rare , beautiful - were generally recognized to be a symbol of enchantment and love at first sight . Emily threw herself into his arms and kissed him . He thought about the other gift in his pocket : a gold ring set with a single dark ruby . He was not a rich man , and it was not a cheap gift ; he 'd saved for months to be able to afford it . But she was worth it . This was not the response Emily expected . Nevertheless , she nodded and said excitedly , " Mm - hm . I went to my doctor today , and he confir - " It was a backhand slap , cruelly delivered . Emily 's hand flashed up to her face , where an angry red welt was already developing . Shocked , she blurted , " What the hell - ? " The next blow sent her sprawling to the ground . As she lay unceremoniously on the floor , their eyes met for a brief second . And in that moment something changed in her eyes as realization dawned , and suddenly there were no secrets between them . In the years that followed he went back in his mind and relived that moment many times , but all he remembered was a blinding rage overcoming him , moving his body as if on its own accord . He vaguely remembered that Emily tried to flee , crawling on her hands and knees into the kitchen and slamming the door shut , but he threw his frame against the door and broke it . That was one of the things he could not bear to think about : He hunted his own wife like an animal . Emily was backed against a wall with nowhere to go , and then he was all over her , hitting her till she screamed no more . And when it was over and the punishing revelation of what he had done hit him , he knelt over her unmoving body , hugged her disfigured face to his chest and cried . Try as he might he couldn 't remember exactly how long he cried for , but he knew it must be hours . There was nobody around to hear him as , with emotion choking his voice he whispered into the silence , " I 'm sorry , Emily . " … He wipes the tears off his face with the back of his hand . He kneels and places a lavender rose on the weeds which have grown to cover the site . He says nothing ; there is nothing to say that he hasn 't already said in the years since he beat his wife to death . The voices in his head still decry him . The guilt and shame are with him still ; constant accusers , everlasting companions . In a way he welcomes them ; they are familiar faces , they are his friends in a world in which he has precious few … The horizon to the east had taken on a light tinge . Dawn was not far away . It was time to go . He fetched his shovel and walked away from Emily and the others . As he walked , he fingered the ring in his pocket . Maybe next year , he thought . Maybe next year he would finally be able to make things right … After a few minutes he came to his car . Tossing the shovel carelessly into the back seat he climbed into the driver 's side . After a few minutes of coaxing he got the engine to start . He did not drive away immediately , but instead sat staring into space , silently cursing everything he could think of . " What the heart has always known , leads to that path of stones . A hand that destroyed its own , forever returns to a garden of bones . " - Kwabena Amowi Koomson . If you are reading this then it means I am already dead . Do not be sad . Do not mourn for me . Take care of the children . They are all I can think about , aside from you . When they ask you , tell them that I have gone away . I do not think their little hearts can bear the truth , especially Molly . I cannot bear the thought of what this would do to her . Please , take care of the children . It pains me that I have to tell you this in this way , but I feel I do not have much time on this earth . Wife , I have kept a secret from you for all this while . I told myself every day that one day I would have the courage to tell you … When I was sixteen , I met a girl . She was a pretty thing , short and cute . The minute I saw her I knew that I desired her . How was I to know that that smiling young woman would be the death of me ? Her name was Tracy . Her parents owned the mill in the center of our little farming town . They were the richest family for miles around ; her father drove a fancy motor car , her mother was a respectable lady of influence . She was their only child , and they doted on her . I was not born to a postman and a seamstress , as I have repeatedly told you in the past . I lied to you . Forgive me . My father was a farmer who raised two strapping boys , of whom I was first . My mother was a housewife , plain of face and strong of spirit . My earliest memories are of toiling on the farm with my father by day and reading the bible by candlelight beside my mother at night . We were far from wealthy , but my parents taught us to be content in the Lord . My brother and I were walking down the street when we saw her , walking in the opposite direction with two of her friends . I had never seen her in town before , and I said so to my brother . Younger though he was , he was better with the ladies than I had ever been . Without a second thought , he walked right up to them and introduced himself . I suspect he fancied one of the other ladies . I only had eyes for the one who introduced herself as Tracy . My love for Tracy grew fast and so did her love for me . We were always together , much to the displeasure of her father . Her mother did not mind though , and treated me with warmth whenever I came to visit . One night , in my father 's field beneath a starry sky , Tracy gave herself to me for the first time . She screamed once as I tore through her maidenhead , and then again as I spent my seed deep inside her . Afterward , we lay side by side on the soft grass as the stars kept their everlasting vigil over us . I am not proud of what I did then . I was young and scared . We did not have the money to raise a child on our own , and we were afraid of what her father would do to us if he found out . We found a shady street doctor and I managed to steal enough money to pay for the operation . He warned us beforehand that the operation was risky . But we were desperate . On that day , I waited behind the door with my heart in my chest while he performed the dangerous procedure . You can only imagine how I felt when the doctor emerged an hour later to tell me that Tracy - my Tracy - was dead . I tried to push past him to go see her but he prevented me . He told me that he had already sent someone to inform both our parents . My blood ran cold . All I could think of was what her father would do to me … the dishonor I had brought upon my family . My poor mother ; it would break her heart . And Tracy 's father would surely kill me . And so I did something that has haunted me since . I ran , not only from the doctor but from the town . I ran through the fields with only the clothes on my back and stowed away on a train going south . That is how I came to live here in our small town . Here I struggled for years and finally made a respectable man of myself . Here I met you , dearest wife . And here I finally managed to bury my past , and with it all thoughts of Tracy . At first I was convinced that I had seen a ghost : the years had changed her but I recognized her at once . And she recognized me too . After all those years , Tracy still remembered me . It was after I had gotten over the initial shock of seeing her that I learned her story : Tracy never died at the hands of that doctor : the man lied to me . When we went to him first with our predicament , he went behind us and told the entire thing to Tracy 's parents . Together , they formulated a plan . The plan was to make me believe that she died and hence force me out of the town and out of their daughter 's life forever . And it worked . Today I came here with equal parts excitement and foreboding . For even though Tracy was my first love , how could I bring another child home to you ? But I had to see our daughter . I arrived to meet a lavishly laid table , but no sign of my daughter . When I asked Tracy , she told me that the girl was on the way and she wanted to have dinner with me first . I thought nothing of it , and sat down to eat . It was midway through the meal that I began to realize that something was amiss . My arms refused to move , and my head swam . I vomited profusely all over myself . I looked at Tracy with an unspoken question in my eye , but in her eyes all I saw was hate . She told me then what she had done : Tracy - my Tracy - had poisoned me . On the day that I fled my old life , Tracy suffered as well . Her father absolutely refused to allow the illegitimate child of a poor farmer boy to grow inside his daughter . He forced the doctor to abort the baby . But the action was not without its consequences ; when the doctor destroyed my baby inside her , he also destroyed her ability to give birth ever again . And as the years went by , Tracy became the black sheep of the town . A laughing stock . No man would marry a barren woman . Her life became miserable . And deep inside her , Tracy blamed me . They shall probably find my body in the morning . Do not cry for me , Dearest Wife . In the shed behind our house , beneath the floorboards , you shall find a sum of money . It should be enough for you and the children . I am sorry that I could not leave you with more . Forgive me . I pray to God that you shall find it in your heart to forgive me for all my sins . I love you . I always have and I always will , now and evermore . A couple of days ago a friend of mine sent me a link to this post on www . thenakedconvos . com . It led me to a very interesting challenge : a story told backwards , in time blocks of two : two hours earlier , two days earlier , two months earlier and two years earlier . The premise caught my attention immediately , as did the word - limit . I had never written a story as short as 1200 words before , and neither had I ever written a story unfolding in reverse . And so I decided to give it a go . Aigbe watched Esosa tumble backwards onto the floor . He thought to himself that she quite looked like a fish out of water - flailing about , reaching for support that would not come . He watched the back of her head crash onto the cold , tiled floor with a sickening , wet sound . Leaping astride her semi - conscious body , he rained three solid blows onto her torso , working his way from her lower ribcage to her sternum . She yelped , shook and choked with each blow , unable to fight back . Each word was punctuated by a slap that sent waves of pain coursing through Esosa 's head . She could barely speak or shout or scream in protest , much less move . She felt herself start to slip into a numb blackness but she tried to hold on . Aigbe wrapped his hands around her neck and muttered . Esosa smiled to herself as she poured the brown powder into the bottle of Merlot . She re - corked it and shook it violently until the powder began to dissolve . She knew Aigbe was already on his way home . Frank Ocean played softly from the speakers ; her long dress billowed about her legs as she walked purposefully to the dining table . Today she had prepared Aigbe 's favorite dish , the one he ordered on their first date . She smiled at the memory . It seemed so long ago . Esosa checked the bottle of wine . Esosa walked to the dining room , opened the bottle of Merlot and poured into two glasses . She took one in her hand and held it to her lips . She breathed deeply , once , tipped her head back and swallowed the wine . Wiping her mouth , Esosa picked up the other glass and went to meet her husband . Aigbe walked in through the door and paused . His wife was wearing his favorite dress , the one that hugged her hips so sensually , and was waiting for him with a glass of wine in her hand . She walked over to her him and kissed him gently , lovingly . Aigbe smiled his slow mischievous smile . " Oookay , talk about a warm welcome . What are we celebrating ? Don 't tell me I forgot our anniversary again ? " She would tell him what she had done . But not now , she thought to herself . She would wait till he ate the dinner she lovingly prepared . She would wait till they made love in their matrimonial bed , wait till she satisfied him in every way . She nodded , satisfied . More than enough time . Esosa opened her handbag and pulled out a wad of cedi notes . She was paying much more than she knew she should , but it did not matter . She handed the money over to the boy . He handed the bag over to her . " One more thing , " he said . " You did not meet me here . You have never met me anywhere , ever . After we leave this place , you don 't know me and I don 't know you . Understand ? " The boy nodded . " There 's no pain . It 's like dropping slowly off to sleep . " He chuckled . " Or so I 've been told . " He continued walking . The middle aged man sitting across from her - the Doctor she knew and trusted for years - sighed and rubbed his temples . " It 's a relatively new disease to us . We … we don 't know much about it yet . But the tests are definite . I 'm sorry . " The doctor hesitated again , but something in her eyes begged the truth . There was no point in feeding her false hope . " Slowly , " he said . " And when the time comes , painfully . " 2 years earlier Esosa had never felt as happy as she felt that day . As the priest recited her vows and she repeated them after him , she was the luckiest woman in the world . Aigbe , standing with her on the altar , flashed her a secret smile . The four of us sat on the floor in a rough circle , facing inward . The room was quiet , save for Stephanie 's mumbling . The only light source was a single candle we had placed on the floor in the middle of our little huddle . Its flickering flame cast long shadows over the walls and the furniture . Outside , the wind beat against the shut windows . We were in the living room of my best friend Stephanie 's house : I ; my boyfriend , Andrew ; Jeremy , the school 's star athlete ; and Stephanie . The stale scent of beer hung in the air ; discarded cans and half - smoked joints littered the floor tiles . A part of me worried what we 'd do if somebody walked in at that moment . But that scenario was greatly improbable ; Steph 's parents were out of town for a week ; any trace of us would be long gone before they got back . But I didn 't want to be here . All I wanted was to be at home curled up in the couch , waiting for my period cramps to pass . I was only here because of Steph , with whom I had been best friends since Junior High . She was a wild thing , always looking for the next thrill , the next adventure ; I was quiet , more level - headed . We went well together . Sitting there now , I glanced over at the girl sitting across from me , legs folded underneath her yoga - style , brows furrowed in concentration as she recited the so called ' ritual ' from the thick leather bound book in her hands . Sitting to her left ( my right ) Andrew wore a bored , skeptic look on his face . I resisted the urge to laugh . Truth was Andrew only agreed to take part in the séance only because I had . And I was only doing it because … well , I wasn 't really sure why I agreed to it . Maybe it 's because the whole thing was Steph 's idea . I looked over at Jeremy . It didn 't take a genius to figure out why he had agreed to this . Even in the near darkness I could see him stealing glances at Stephanie . It was kind of an open secret that he liked her . Everybody knew . I think by agreeing to her idea - even though I could tell that he wasn 't the kind of guy to believe in spirits and séances - Jeremy hoped to score some points with her . Good luck . He needed it . The book from which she read looked old , positively ancient . She told me she found it in an abandoned corner of the Library , coated in dust . The book had no title in the cover . It 's thick , yellowed pages were filled with all kinds of information ; from how to cure the simplest of ailments using things like frog spit to the correct instructions on mending a broken bone . And how to communicate with spirits on the other side . This was what we were trying to do now . Stephanie had always believed she was descended from a long line of gypsies , all the way down from when caravans of travelling gypsies passed through our small town many decades ago . I supposed she felt that if the summons worked it would bring her closer to her roots . Or something . You never really could tell with Stephanie . A cold shiver ran through my body . But the windows were still closed , I thought . My best friend 's voice rose yet again , she was almost quivering with excitement . I sensed that the recital was coming to an end . With a crash the windows blew open ; the howling wind surged into the room like a flood . The temperature of the room dropped suddenly . The flame of the candle seemed to rise , in spite of the surging winds ; and then suddenly went out , plunging the room into near total darkness . Jeremy gave a startled cry ; Andrew turned to face the windows , and then turned to me , concern written in his brown eyes . Stephanie looked excited , expectant . I was scared . The wind blew through the room , raging , whirling . The sound of it filled my ears even as the cold it brought pierced into my bones . And then … The wind died away as suddenly as it had begun . The icy cold melted away into the night . The four of us were left as we were before . I looked over at the center of our circle , at the crude pentagram we drew earlier . Nothing had changed . No spirit had appeared , as far as we could tell . " The latch must have come undone , " Jeremy replied , rising to his feet . " As for the wind , it looks like there 's a storm coming . " He flipped a switch on , bathing the room in light , then crossed over to the window and closed it . Stephanie said nothing . She sat on the floor , staring dejectedly at the book . A thought crossed my mind : Why are you so disappointed , Steph ? Were you so eager for the summons to work ? What were you expecting ? Jeremy drew his hand back , hurt . " Uh , fine , " he muttered . " Suit yourself . " Good luck . He was going to need a LOT of it . Andrew turned to me . " Come on , Liz . Let 's get you home . " He held out his hand . I made to reach out and take it . I tried to take Andrew 's hand again . My body didn 't move . A cold dread gripped me . I tried to speak , to scream , but no words came out . It was as though a dam had broken . It - whatever it was - flooded my mind , my thoughts , my consciousness in an instant . It was a mass of hate , and envy and bloodlust such as I had never imagined . An unstoppable wave of power . The voice appeared everywhere and nowhere in my head . It spoke with a chilling voice that seemed to echo in my very soul . SPEAK , CHILD . WHO ARE YOU ? For as the demon looked through me , so was I given a glimpse into it . And I saw pain , and death . I saw entire cities slaughtered . Dead men , women and babies lying in the streets . Corpse piled upon corpse . I saw destruction as far as the horizon . I saw the demon 's handiwork . No ! I wanted to shout . It 's here ! It 's in here with me ! ! I wanted Andrew to stop me from leaving that house . I wanted him to bind me with chains of iron . I wanted him to kill me . Anything , anything . From the corner of my eye I could see Stephanie , still sulking , believing that she had failed . I wanted to scream at her that it hadn 't failed . But I couldn 't . Jeremy walked to the front door and opened it . " You guys coming ? " Andrew looked at me once more , concern etched in his big brown eyes , those eyes that I had fallen desperately in love with . I wanted to cry .

Grandfather looked up from the book he was reading . My sister and I stood in front of him , flashing what we hoped were our most winning smiles . I was eight and Ama was six , and we were bored out of our minds . " Yaay ! " Ama said , sitting down by Grandfather 's feet and looking up into his face . I sat down on the floor too , a little distance away from Ama . " No . I will tell you a new story , children . I will tell you a story that my grandmother told me , and her grandmother told her , and which one day you will tell your grandchildren in turn . I will tell you the story of the river that fell in love . " Ama , who , being only six years old , had a hard time keeping quiet , said " A really really big river ? This big ? " She spread her arms as wide as they could go . " Nobody could remember exactly when the river became their god , nor could they remember a time when it was not so . Years passed , generations passed . Kings came and went in the village , but the river stayed eternal , and all was well with the people . " And occasionally the Spirit of the river would take the form of a man and walk among the people , unnoticed , and he would listen to their problems and commune with them , though they never knew it . He did not do this often , perhaps only once in a few decades . Gods do not lightly mingle in the affairs of men . " She did not see him ; he hid himself in the trees and watched until she was done and had gone back into the village . The Spirit made himself invisible - most gods can do that - and followed her . The woman came to the palace and went inside , and the Spirit knew who she was : daughter of the King and Queen of the village , Princess of the land . " So now the Spirit of the river walked in the village more often , always hoping to catch a glimpse of the princess . The more he saw her the more he loved her , and the more he despaired . Especially since she didn 't know who he was ; to her he was just another man from the village . And the Spirit dared not reveal himself to her , or she might be afraid , and then she would truly be lost to him . " A year passed like this . The princess was nearing the age where she would need to take a husband . The Spirit did not want this to happen . " And so the Spirit of the river sought advice . He left his watery throne and went out into the world , chasing the wind . He chased for a long time , for the Spirit of the wind is hard to catch . " The Spirit of the river returned to the village . He took the form of a man for the last time , and crept up on the princess when she was bathing alone in the forest . And there he struck her down , and stole her life and hid it , and thus the princess died . " " One day the King and Queen of the village came to the river , just as the Wind had foretold . They brought the body of their only daughter with them . They came alone , in the early hours of dawn . " The village rejoiced . The princess was eternally grateful to the river ( for she did not know that he was the one who killed her in the first place ) . The villagers made a hut by the banks of the river , and there the princess stayed . And in the nights the Spirit would appear to her , though never in the form of a man , and talk to her , and over time the princess became quite fond of him . " Well , " said Grandfather , " She missed the company of other people . She missed the chatter of the young women , and she longed for the warmth of a man . She would occasionally visit the village and watch the little children playing . Deep in her heart she wanted children of her own . A family . You cannot start a family with a river , you know . " The river was furious , thinking that the villagers had snuck in the night and stolen her away . He overflowed his banks . He destroyed the crops the villagers had planted . He poisoned their wells and drowned their livestock . And the people of the village were afraid that he would kill them all . " Now upon hearing this , the Spirit of the river was deeply saddened . It broke his heart to look into her eyes and know that she was unhappy with him . It broke his heart that he couldn 't keep the one he loved happy . It broke his heart that he was not enough for her . It broke his heart that she desired another . " So the girl went to the village . She met a young man , fell in love with him . They made plans to leave the village and the river and start a life on their own . " " The princess settled in a faraway land with her husband . There she bore him many children . There they raised a family . There they grew old together . There she finally came to know happiness . But she missed the river , and thought of him often . " Death comes to everyone eventually , child . One day it will come for me too . We just have to accept that . Besides , she was very old . " The journey took him many days and many nights , and he was no longer a young man . He was exhausted by the time he stumbled to the banks of the river , starved and near death himself . But it did not stop him . He waded in and gently lowered his wife 's body under the surface of the water . That one is told among the gods and the spirits , the children of Father Time and Mother Earth , in the language that existed before the world was made and will exist long after the world has passed away . And in that version of the story perhaps things happened differently . But then we may never know , for that is a tale of the gods , and it is not told to men . If you are reading this , I may or may not be dead . That is of no matter . What matters is that this story be told , and not be forgotten . The world has changed , and I feel that I am largely to blame . Even as I write this I only have to look out my window to see them walking around , blissfully unaware , with that look in their eyes . That blank , emptily content look that shows that particular person has made a recent trip to The Memory Bank . There are more of them every day ; the rich and the poor , the tall and the short , the young and the old . The Memory Bank was first inaugurated in 2100 . It was the culmination of my life 's work . Hailed worldwide as the Bank of the future ; a life - changing establishment . The media called it " The 22nd Century Bank " . I created The Memory Bank for Alzheimer 's patients like my Papa . It was created so that patients of that terrible disease could come and keep their precious memories in a safe place when the vault that was their mind began to fail them . They could then come back and re - live those memories . If they so chose . In the year 2113 the United States of Africa , led by General Mutombo , rose up in revolt . The Africans proclaimed that they would no longer live in the shadow of the Rest of The World , no longer provide their precious natural resources to other Nations while its children wallowed in poverty . The Africans knew full well that we could not simply nuke them into submission , for by so doing we would destroy the very resources we were trying to recover . But the war dragged on , and the soldiers who did return home were scarred for life . The horrors they had seen were tearing them apart from the inside . For as long as those memories remained , they could not adapt to the routine of normal life . The world is breaking , and the People choose to forget . Overpopulation and global warming are everywhere . Crime is at an all - time high but few cases are ever actually reported , because the People choose to forget . Children are dying in the wastelands of Africa but the War drags on , because the People choose to forget . I myself have only ever used the Memory Bank once . I was drunk and depressed one day , as I mostly was in those days . I drove too fast . There was an accident … I knew her name once , the girl I hit that day . But I could not live with the guilt . So I erased her from my memory , but no matter how hard I try I cannot completely forget her face . At the same time I cannot atone for my sin , for I cannot really remember her either . The 22nd Century Bank saw to that . I have on my desk twenty plasma grenades . I intend to set them off in the main Storage Room of The Memory Bank headquarters . The resulting explosion should sufficiently damage the storage banks , rendering the Headquarters useless . Without it , all the branches in the world will in time fail as well . The Memory Bank will be no more . Only then can humankind begin to heal . Only then can we face our demons head on and maybe , just maybe , fix the world . The year is 1914 . The night is dark , the cold biting . Even so , sweat makes our army clothes stick to our bodies like a second skin . I am lying on the bare earth , clutching my rifle to my chest . In the all - encompassing gloom it is difficult to see anything beyond a few feet ahead . This makes the wait all the more grueling , for we know the enemy is out there . There is a man lying on either side of me . I know neither of their names , but they are as close to my heart in this moment as anyone I have ever known . Any one of them may save my life in battle . We are brothers . The only songs we know now are the songs of war ; the melody of the mortar and the machine gun ; the orchestra of explosions and the opera of Death . We have sung these songs every day on the Front . They are all we have ; they are all we are . The soldier lying to my right passes me his water bottle . I take a swig and am surprised to find that it contains whiskey . A part of me wonders how he managed to come by whiskey on the battlefield , but I do not dwell on it . The drink courses through my body and warms my bones . I hand him the bottle back and he smiles at me . My heart is filled with love for this man who will be dead by dawn . We were young men once . We lived and loved and drank and fucked and had not a care in the world . We were dreamers ; the future lay in wait for us . In our hearts we were champions . Now we are old men . We are in our late teens and early twenties but we are old men still . We have seen too much Death , too much suffering . The propaganda machines back home would have you believe that we fight for a noble cause . They would have you believe that we fight and die with honor , but there is no honor in Death . There is no meaning , no poetry . There is only death in Death . We have no homes to return to in our hearts . The trenches are our home now ; the Earth is our mother . It is into her embrace that we fling ourselves when the roar of the machine guns fills the world and Devil himself walks among us . It is out of her that we are born anew when the fighting stops and the guns fall silent . We cannot remember what our lives were like before 1914 . One day the War will end . The Front and the trenches will pass away and those of us who survive will be thrown back into our old lives , lives in which we will no longer belong . We will always be a lost generation . Some of us , fueled by our memories of war , will try to change the world . One of those men will be Adolf Hitler . Most of us , though , will be dead . We may walk and talk and breathe and eat and shit , but inside we will be dead men . The War will have taken our humanity from us . We will be no more than empty shells . We are lost , and cannot find our way home . I have no idea how much time has passed since we began to keep watch . It may be hours , but who can say for sure ? The days and minutes and hours run into each other out here on the Fron - I am moving even before I know it , lifting my rifle to my eye and clicking the safety off . The enemy soldier who was crawling on his belly towards me is momentarily caught off guard . He scrambles to raise his own weapon . He reacts too late . In the last moment , he looks directly into my eye . He is scared ; I can see it plainly . But then so am I . I squeeze the trigger and the man who was my enemy and in another life might have been my friend is now a corpse . The night erupts around me . The silence is ripped apart by the staccato sound of machine guns and the answering booms of rifles ; from behind me I hear the shout of my comrades as they leap into battle . Out of the darkness before us emerge dark shadows ; armed men who have come to kill us . The enemy . The muscles on his arms and back rippled as he pushed the shovel again and again into the cold , unwilling earth . Sweat ran in rivulets down his face , joining other beads of perspiration to form little streams that flowed down his back . A cold wind picked up , but he did not feel the chill . A pale moon hung overhead , bathing the world in a silver light . He did not carry a torch ; the moon was enough . The ground was harder this year than it had been last year ; there was a dull ache in his arms already , but he wasn 't done digging . Or maybe I 'm just not as strong as I used to be , he thought . Maybe I 'm growing old . The thought saddened him . He blocked all other thoughts from his mind and fell into a rhythm : the shovel went down , soil came up . He 'd lost track of time , but it did not matter . He continued to dig . The shovel went down , soil came up . Slowly , steadily , the hole grew deeper . Dig , dig , dig . After a while - thirty minutes ? Two hours ? He could not say - he decided that it was deep enough . He stopped digging . He straightened up , letting the shovel drop from his fingers to the ground . His back ached , but he welcomed the pain . It distracted him , kept him from thinking … thinking of what he did … thinking of her … Turning his back , he walked away toward the spot where he parked his car . It was an old and battered thing , not much to look at . But the sight of it filled him with memories , as it did every time . He picked her up for their first date in this car … it seemed so long ago and yet he could remember everything . Would that he could only forget . Fishing a key from his pocket he popped open the trunk . The blood had stained through her wrappings , a deep angry blot surrounding her head . It dripped from the cloth into the trunk . He sighed . That would leave a stain . Slowly , gently , he reached into the trunk and lifted her in his arms . He took particular care not to bump her into anything on her way out . Then he turned and walked back the way he came . The walk back took shorter than he remembered ; before he knew it he was back at the site he had dug , with his shovel lying discarded in the sand . He knelt in the freshly dug earth and slowly , softly , laid her in the ground . As he did so a portion of the cloth covering her head came away , revealing her face . She had been beautiful once , but death had taken that away from her . No , not death , a voice inside him whispered , you did this . The marks that his hands had left on her face had disfigured her , left her face swollen and bleeding . But this girl had been beautiful once , as she had been beautiful , all those years ago . He first met her earlier that night . Picking her up in his battered Toyota , he drove her to the house where he lived . When they entered the living room the girl pressed her body against his , ran a slender finger down the side of his face and asked him : " So how do you want to do this ? " No doubt she was expecting him to take her up to the bedroom and fuck her . Instead he walked over to a stand beside the old fireplace . He picked up a worn ring case and opened it . Inside the case lay a ring ; a slender band of gold inset with a single blood red ruby . It was a simple thing , and beautiful in its simplicity . He carried the ring back to the girl and placed it delicately into her hand . " Put it on , " he told her . The girl 's face showed bewilderment , but only for a split second . She was a prostitute , after all , and no doubt she 'd heard much weirder requests from clients than simply ' Put on a ring ' . Smiling coyly , she eased the ring onto the middle finger of her left hand . " No . Not there , " he said to her . " Your ring finger . " The girl did as he said . The ruby caught the light in the room , glowing on her slender finger . Deep inside him he wanted to take her in his arms and tell her that he forgave her , that he understood . He wanted to tell her that everything was going to be alright . Deep inside him he wanted to succeed with this one where he had failed with all the others . He rose up out of the pit and fetched his shovel . Working with quick movements honed by years of practice , he shoveled the earth onto the dead girl . As he worked , it seemed to him that the eyes of the girl were staring straight at him . He worked faster . It took him fifteen minutes to completely cover up the grave . Once again he thought of the girl lying beneath the ground , and how he had failed with her . How he had failed with all of them . The moon hung low in the sky ; daybreak would soon be upon him . There was one final thing to be done . Casting the shovel aside once more , he reached into the pocket of his sweat - soaked trousers and drew out a package in which were seven slender roses , carefully wrapped . He opened the wrapper , and even in the dim light the pale blue color of the petals was plain . Lavender roses . One of the rarest types of rose in the world . After a while he stopped , then knelt and placed another rose on the ground . This was where he 'd buried Anna a year ago . I 'm sorry . He walked off again , and did the same for Denise . Denise , with her quick smile and big , bouncy breasts . Denise , who he 'd brought here two years ago . A short distance beyond her he did the same for Celine ( three years ago ) . After Celine he couldn 't remember their names , but he placed a rose on each of their graves anyway . Each time he whispered how sorry he was , but no matter how many times he whispered those words the guilt and the shame were always with him . And then he came to the last one . Emily 's eyes went wide as he theatrically knelt and held out the rose to her . " A lavender rose ? " she breathed . She reached out and took it slowly , as if she were afraid that moving too fast would shatter the illusion and cause everything to disappear . He smiled . He knew the symbolism of the gesture wouldn 't be lost on a flower - lover like her . Lavender roses - rare , beautiful - were generally recognized to be a symbol of enchantment and love at first sight . Emily threw herself into his arms and kissed him . He thought about the other gift in his pocket : a gold ring set with a single dark ruby . He was not a rich man , and it was not a cheap gift ; he 'd saved for months to be able to afford it . But she was worth it . This was not the response Emily expected . Nevertheless , she nodded and said excitedly , " Mm - hm . I went to my doctor today , and he confir - " It was a backhand slap , cruelly delivered . Emily 's hand flashed up to her face , where an angry red welt was already developing . Shocked , she blurted , " What the hell - ? " The next blow sent her sprawling to the ground . As she lay unceremoniously on the floor , their eyes met for a brief second . And in that moment something changed in her eyes as realization dawned , and suddenly there were no secrets between them . In the years that followed he went back in his mind and relived that moment many times , but all he remembered was a blinding rage overcoming him , moving his body as if on its own accord . He vaguely remembered that Emily tried to flee , crawling on her hands and knees into the kitchen and slamming the door shut , but he threw his frame against the door and broke it . That was one of the things he could not bear to think about : He hunted his own wife like an animal . Emily was backed against a wall with nowhere to go , and then he was all over her , hitting her till she screamed no more . And when it was over and the punishing revelation of what he had done hit him , he knelt over her unmoving body , hugged her disfigured face to his chest and cried . Try as he might he couldn 't remember exactly how long he cried for , but he knew it must be hours . There was nobody around to hear him as , with emotion choking his voice he whispered into the silence , " I 'm sorry , Emily . " … He wipes the tears off his face with the back of his hand . He kneels and places a lavender rose on the weeds which have grown to cover the site . He says nothing ; there is nothing to say that he hasn 't already said in the years since he beat his wife to death . The voices in his head still decry him . The guilt and shame are with him still ; constant accusers , everlasting companions . In a way he welcomes them ; they are familiar faces , they are his friends in a world in which he has precious few … The horizon to the east had taken on a light tinge . Dawn was not far away . It was time to go . He fetched his shovel and walked away from Emily and the others . As he walked , he fingered the ring in his pocket . Maybe next year , he thought . Maybe next year he would finally be able to make things right … After a few minutes he came to his car . Tossing the shovel carelessly into the back seat he climbed into the driver 's side . After a few minutes of coaxing he got the engine to start . He did not drive away immediately , but instead sat staring into space , silently cursing everything he could think of . " What the heart has always known , leads to that path of stones . A hand that destroyed its own , forever returns to a garden of bones . " - Kwabena Amowi Koomson . If you are reading this then it means I am already dead . Do not be sad . Do not mourn for me . Take care of the children . They are all I can think about , aside from you . When they ask you , tell them that I have gone away . I do not think their little hearts can bear the truth , especially Molly . I cannot bear the thought of what this would do to her . Please , take care of the children . It pains me that I have to tell you this in this way , but I feel I do not have much time on this earth . Wife , I have kept a secret from you for all this while . I told myself every day that one day I would have the courage to tell you … When I was sixteen , I met a girl . She was a pretty thing , short and cute . The minute I saw her I knew that I desired her . How was I to know that that smiling young woman would be the death of me ? Her name was Tracy . Her parents owned the mill in the center of our little farming town . They were the richest family for miles around ; her father drove a fancy motor car , her mother was a respectable lady of influence . She was their only child , and they doted on her . I was not born to a postman and a seamstress , as I have repeatedly told you in the past . I lied to you . Forgive me . My father was a farmer who raised two strapping boys , of whom I was first . My mother was a housewife , plain of face and strong of spirit . My earliest memories are of toiling on the farm with my father by day and reading the bible by candlelight beside my mother at night . We were far from wealthy , but my parents taught us to be content in the Lord . My brother and I were walking down the street when we saw her , walking in the opposite direction with two of her friends . I had never seen her in town before , and I said so to my brother . Younger though he was , he was better with the ladies than I had ever been . Without a second thought , he walked right up to them and introduced himself . I suspect he fancied one of the other ladies . I only had eyes for the one who introduced herself as Tracy . My love for Tracy grew fast and so did her love for me . We were always together , much to the displeasure of her father . Her mother did not mind though , and treated me with warmth whenever I came to visit . One night , in my father 's field beneath a starry sky , Tracy gave herself to me for the first time . She screamed once as I tore through her maidenhead , and then again as I spent my seed deep inside her . Afterward , we lay side by side on the soft grass as the stars kept their everlasting vigil over us . I am not proud of what I did then . I was young and scared . We did not have the money to raise a child on our own , and we were afraid of what her father would do to us if he found out . We found a shady street doctor and I managed to steal enough money to pay for the operation . He warned us beforehand that the operation was risky . But we were desperate . On that day , I waited behind the door with my heart in my chest while he performed the dangerous procedure . You can only imagine how I felt when the doctor emerged an hour later to tell me that Tracy - my Tracy - was dead . I tried to push past him to go see her but he prevented me . He told me that he had already sent someone to inform both our parents . My blood ran cold . All I could think of was what her father would do to me … the dishonor I had brought upon my family . My poor mother ; it would break her heart . And Tracy 's father would surely kill me . And so I did something that has haunted me since . I ran , not only from the doctor but from the town . I ran through the fields with only the clothes on my back and stowed away on a train going south . That is how I came to live here in our small town . Here I struggled for years and finally made a respectable man of myself . Here I met you , dearest wife . And here I finally managed to bury my past , and with it all thoughts of Tracy . At first I was convinced that I had seen a ghost : the years had changed her but I recognized her at once . And she recognized me too . After all those years , Tracy still remembered me . It was after I had gotten over the initial shock of seeing her that I learned her story : Tracy never died at the hands of that doctor : the man lied to me . When we went to him first with our predicament , he went behind us and told the entire thing to Tracy 's parents . Together , they formulated a plan . The plan was to make me believe that she died and hence force me out of the town and out of their daughter 's life forever . And it worked . Today I came here with equal parts excitement and foreboding . For even though Tracy was my first love , how could I bring another child home to you ? But I had to see our daughter . I arrived to meet a lavishly laid table , but no sign of my daughter . When I asked Tracy , she told me that the girl was on the way and she wanted to have dinner with me first . I thought nothing of it , and sat down to eat . It was midway through the meal that I began to realize that something was amiss . My arms refused to move , and my head swam . I vomited profusely all over myself . I looked at Tracy with an unspoken question in my eye , but in her eyes all I saw was hate . She told me then what she had done : Tracy - my Tracy - had poisoned me . On the day that I fled my old life , Tracy suffered as well . Her father absolutely refused to allow the illegitimate child of a poor farmer boy to grow inside his daughter . He forced the doctor to abort the baby . But the action was not without its consequences ; when the doctor destroyed my baby inside her , he also destroyed her ability to give birth ever again . And as the years went by , Tracy became the black sheep of the town . A laughing stock . No man would marry a barren woman . Her life became miserable . And deep inside her , Tracy blamed me . They shall probably find my body in the morning . Do not cry for me , Dearest Wife . In the shed behind our house , beneath the floorboards , you shall find a sum of money . It should be enough for you and the children . I am sorry that I could not leave you with more . Forgive me . I pray to God that you shall find it in your heart to forgive me for all my sins . I love you . I always have and I always will , now and evermore . A couple of days ago a friend of mine sent me a link to this post on www . thenakedconvos . com . It led me to a very interesting challenge : a story told backwards , in time blocks of two : two hours earlier , two days earlier , two months earlier and two years earlier . The premise caught my attention immediately , as did the word - limit . I had never written a story as short as 1200 words before , and neither had I ever written a story unfolding in reverse . And so I decided to give it a go . Aigbe watched Esosa tumble backwards onto the floor . He thought to himself that she quite looked like a fish out of water - flailing about , reaching for support that would not come . He watched the back of her head crash onto the cold , tiled floor with a sickening , wet sound . Leaping astride her semi - conscious body , he rained three solid blows onto her torso , working his way from her lower ribcage to her sternum . She yelped , shook and choked with each blow , unable to fight back . Each word was punctuated by a slap that sent waves of pain coursing through Esosa 's head . She could barely speak or shout or scream in protest , much less move . She felt herself start to slip into a numb blackness but she tried to hold on . Aigbe wrapped his hands around her neck and muttered . Esosa smiled to herself as she poured the brown powder into the bottle of Merlot . She re - corked it and shook it violently until the powder began to dissolve . She knew Aigbe was already on his way home . Frank Ocean played softly from the speakers ; her long dress billowed about her legs as she walked purposefully to the dining table . Today she had prepared Aigbe 's favorite dish , the one he ordered on their first date . She smiled at the memory . It seemed so long ago . Esosa checked the bottle of wine . Esosa walked to the dining room , opened the bottle of Merlot and poured into two glasses . She took one in her hand and held it to her lips . She breathed deeply , once , tipped her head back and swallowed the wine . Wiping her mouth , Esosa picked up the other glass and went to meet her husband . Aigbe walked in through the door and paused . His wife was wearing his favorite dress , the one that hugged her hips so sensually , and was waiting for him with a glass of wine in her hand . She walked over to her him and kissed him gently , lovingly . Aigbe smiled his slow mischievous smile . " Oookay , talk about a warm welcome . What are we celebrating ? Don 't tell me I forgot our anniversary again ? " She would tell him what she had done . But not now , she thought to herself . She would wait till he ate the dinner she lovingly prepared . She would wait till they made love in their matrimonial bed , wait till she satisfied him in every way . She nodded , satisfied . More than enough time . Esosa opened her handbag and pulled out a wad of cedi notes . She was paying much more than she knew she should , but it did not matter . She handed the money over to the boy . He handed the bag over to her . " One more thing , " he said . " You did not meet me here . You have never met me anywhere , ever . After we leave this place , you don 't know me and I don 't know you . Understand ? " The boy nodded . " There 's no pain . It 's like dropping slowly off to sleep . " He chuckled . " Or so I 've been told . " He continued walking . The middle aged man sitting across from her - the Doctor she knew and trusted for years - sighed and rubbed his temples . " It 's a relatively new disease to us . We … we don 't know much about it yet . But the tests are definite . I 'm sorry . " The doctor hesitated again , but something in her eyes begged the truth . There was no point in feeding her false hope . " Slowly , " he said . " And when the time comes , painfully . " 2 years earlier Esosa had never felt as happy as she felt that day . As the priest recited her vows and she repeated them after him , she was the luckiest woman in the world . Aigbe , standing with her on the altar , flashed her a secret smile . The four of us sat on the floor in a rough circle , facing inward . The room was quiet , save for Stephanie 's mumbling . The only light source was a single candle we had placed on the floor in the middle of our little huddle . Its flickering flame cast long shadows over the walls and the furniture . Outside , the wind beat against the shut windows . We were in the living room of my best friend Stephanie 's house : I ; my boyfriend , Andrew ; Jeremy , the school 's star athlete ; and Stephanie . The stale scent of beer hung in the air ; discarded cans and half - smoked joints littered the floor tiles . A part of me worried what we 'd do if somebody walked in at that moment . But that scenario was greatly improbable ; Steph 's parents were out of town for a week ; any trace of us would be long gone before they got back . But I didn 't want to be here . All I wanted was to be at home curled up in the couch , waiting for my period cramps to pass . I was only here because of Steph , with whom I had been best friends since Junior High . She was a wild thing , always looking for the next thrill , the next adventure ; I was quiet , more level - headed . We went well together . Sitting there now , I glanced over at the girl sitting across from me , legs folded underneath her yoga - style , brows furrowed in concentration as she recited the so called ' ritual ' from the thick leather bound book in her hands . Sitting to her left ( my right ) Andrew wore a bored , skeptic look on his face . I resisted the urge to laugh . Truth was Andrew only agreed to take part in the séance only because I had . And I was only doing it because … well , I wasn 't really sure why I agreed to it . Maybe it 's because the whole thing was Steph 's idea . I looked over at Jeremy . It didn 't take a genius to figure out why he had agreed to this . Even in the near darkness I could see him stealing glances at Stephanie . It was kind of an open secret that he liked her . Everybody knew . I think by agreeing to her idea - even though I could tell that he wasn 't the kind of guy to believe in spirits and séances - Jeremy hoped to score some points with her . Good luck . He needed it . The book from which she read looked old , positively ancient . She told me she found it in an abandoned corner of the Library , coated in dust . The book had no title in the cover . It 's thick , yellowed pages were filled with all kinds of information ; from how to cure the simplest of ailments using things like frog spit to the correct instructions on mending a broken bone . And how to communicate with spirits on the other side . This was what we were trying to do now . Stephanie had always believed she was descended from a long line of gypsies , all the way down from when caravans of travelling gypsies passed through our small town many decades ago . I supposed she felt that if the summons worked it would bring her closer to her roots . Or something . You never really could tell with Stephanie . A cold shiver ran through my body . But the windows were still closed , I thought . My best friend 's voice rose yet again , she was almost quivering with excitement . I sensed that the recital was coming to an end . With a crash the windows blew open ; the howling wind surged into the room like a flood . The temperature of the room dropped suddenly . The flame of the candle seemed to rise , in spite of the surging winds ; and then suddenly went out , plunging the room into near total darkness . Jeremy gave a startled cry ; Andrew turned to face the windows , and then turned to me , concern written in his brown eyes . Stephanie looked excited , expectant . I was scared . The wind blew through the room , raging , whirling . The sound of it filled my ears even as the cold it brought pierced into my bones . And then … The wind died away as suddenly as it had begun . The icy cold melted away into the night . The four of us were left as we were before . I looked over at the center of our circle , at the crude pentagram we drew earlier . Nothing had changed . No spirit had appeared , as far as we could tell . " The latch must have come undone , " Jeremy replied , rising to his feet . " As for the wind , it looks like there 's a storm coming . " He flipped a switch on , bathing the room in light , then crossed over to the window and closed it . Stephanie said nothing . She sat on the floor , staring dejectedly at the book . A thought crossed my mind : Why are you so disappointed , Steph ? Were you so eager for the summons to work ? What were you expecting ? Jeremy drew his hand back , hurt . " Uh , fine , " he muttered . " Suit yourself . " Good luck . He was going to need a LOT of it . Andrew turned to me . " Come on , Liz . Let 's get you home . " He held out his hand . I made to reach out and take it . I tried to take Andrew 's hand again . My body didn 't move . A cold dread gripped me . I tried to speak , to scream , but no words came out . It was as though a dam had broken . It - whatever it was - flooded my mind , my thoughts , my consciousness in an instant . It was a mass of hate , and envy and bloodlust such as I had never imagined . An unstoppable wave of power . The voice appeared everywhere and nowhere in my head . It spoke with a chilling voice that seemed to echo in my very soul . SPEAK , CHILD . WHO ARE YOU ? For as the demon looked through me , so was I given a glimpse into it . And I saw pain , and death . I saw entire cities slaughtered . Dead men , women and babies lying in the streets . Corpse piled upon corpse . I saw destruction as far as the horizon . I saw the demon 's handiwork . No ! I wanted to shout . It 's here ! It 's in here with me ! ! I wanted Andrew to stop me from leaving that house . I wanted him to bind me with chains of iron . I wanted him to kill me . Anything , anything . From the corner of my eye I could see Stephanie , still sulking , believing that she had failed . I wanted to scream at her that it hadn 't failed . But I couldn 't . Jeremy walked to the front door and opened it . " You guys coming ? " Andrew looked at me once more , concern etched in his big brown eyes , those eyes that I had fallen desperately in love with . I wanted to cry .

Marriage . Infidelity . Divorce . Infertility . Baby . Diabetes . Insulin Pump . Not necessarily in that order . My life 's better than a soap opera . Lucian is sick again . Or should I say sick still , since he had a cold last week ? Last night I dropped him off at Nemo 's parents ' house . On the way over , he was quietly reading his Thomas the tank engine brochure that he likes to study in the car . He was so quiet , I thought maybe he had fallen asleep . Usually he reads and points at things - car ! bus ! trees ! When we dropped him off , he was fine . My Mom and I went shopping . An hour into it ( and before we got to eat dinner I might add ) , I received a call from Nemo saying that Lucian was screaming his head off . They couldn 't get him to eat or stop crying . I said I 'd be right there , and we went and picked him up . We were able to get him to stop crying , but he wasn 't himself . We ended up taking him to the after hours clinic at the hospital . We had an amazing doctor who was incredibly patient with Lucian . He told us that Lucian has hand , foot and mouth disease . ( I thought it sounded like something that horses get so I looked it up and that 's called hoof and mouth disease ) Although it sounds worse , it 's just a virus and he should be back to normal in a few days . I was very happy with the way that Nemo and his parents handled the problem . I 'm glad they called and deferred everything to me . It was a good lesson for them too - normally they see only the best side of Lucian , when he 's happy , clean , well , and rested . It gives me a bit of hope for the future . What a strange package it came in . After the e - mail from Nemo yesterday , and hours of deliberation including debating it from all angles with my Mom and sleeping on it ( which always seems to give me a better perspective ) , I decided to e - mail Nemo back . What I really wanted to do was yell and scream - #%*@ you ! ! I 'm usually such a calm , rational , in control at all costs type of person . I 've had way more than I can handle of him . Nemo does whatever he wants , whatever suits him in the moment . He thinks about no one besides himself . Ever . So after treating me the way he did , he has no problem coming to me and continuously asking for more . Like he deserves more . Because he 's so very sorry . And can 't I just get over it ? I decided that the best way to handle Nemo is to yes yes him and blow him off like I don 't really care about any of it . Like I 'm too busy and didn 't just spend the last 24 hours trying to decide what I should say , so my words aren 't engraved in an e - mail for years to come and haunt me . I decided that one sentence would be best . This is what I said : Lucian can call you whatever you 'd like him to call you . To which he responded : Thank you ! ! Oh what a happy day it is when Nemo is happy . Ha . I won 't be calling Nemo daddy for a long time to come , if ever . But he doesn 't need to know that . I won 't be referring to him as Lucian 's father . In all the years I was married to Nemo , I never addressed either of his parents by any name . I asked Nemo to ask them what they wanted to be called , and he never would . So I figure I 'll just continue doing with Nemo what I 've already been doing with his parents . For the moment , the drama has passed yet again . Tomorrow , who knows ? I 'm just trying to take one day at a time . I know I 'm going to take some heat from saying this , because if I was not in my current situation , I 'd probably feel the same way . I really want Nemo out of mine and Lucian 's life . This is not news to anyone that has followed my blog . Nemo has turned into a bad influence that I don 't want my son to be around . He 's treated me awful , and Lucian too . Lucian just doesn 't remember . And I really don 't think that Nemo has turned his life around in a positive way . He is showing more interest in Lucian lately . Which I guess would be a good thing for most dads to show , however , I believe that he 's setting Lucian up for a fall . Today I received the following e - mail from Nemo : I have a question . Do you plan on not letting Lucian call me dad ? I feel I am his father and it would be nice not to have you or your family undermine that . I know you will tell him i am not biologically his dad but in all other aspects i will be ! I love him and only wan the best for him . i know i hurt you and you feel betrayed ! i can not go back and change things . i can only make a difference in the future . if i could i would go back and make things different ! I am sorry ! ! On Friday when my Mom and I picked Lucian up , my Mom told Lucian to say good - bye to Nemo . She didn 't say - say good - bye to your dad . Obviously , Nemo noticed . I wish that Nemo actually meant those things that he said in the e - mail . But he lies all the time . What this e - mail boils down to is that he wants to look the part for his family . I 'm sure what happened was that Nemo 's dad noticed that my mom didn 't call Nemo dad , and said something to Nemo . ( could you follow that ? ) I feel torn . I still can 't call Nemo Lucian 's father . For so many reasons . None of them have to do with the fact that Nemo isn 't Lucian 's biological father . They are not even because Nemo treated me badly . It 's because he 's treated Lucian badly . I mean , what kind of father chooses to leave his newborn son the first night he 's home from the hospital for a str * ipper ? What kind of father disappears for ten days when his sonPosted by Yesterday I wrote about Nemo 's job prospect . Today I 'm writing about mine . I don 't want to work and I 'm putting off finding a job . I 'm not normally a lazy person ( and I 'm certainly not lounging around all day - I 'm chasing a 21 month old ) but I can 't seem to find it in me to take the job search seriously . I know that I need a job . Not only do I need more of an income than my child support provides , I need the health insurance . And I need good health insurance . Damn this diabetes of mine . When I was in college , I knew all this . Even so , I was flighty when it came to what I wanted to do with my life . I was a good student in high school , but by the time I got to college , I was burned out . I started off being pre - med but after a semester I decided I didn 't have it in me to pursue being a doctor . ( Strangely enough , over the years , I have educated more doctors than they have educated me . ) I changed my major to business and pretty much floated my way through the rest of my college experience . I envisioned myself working a 9 - 5 type job that paid well , that would give me good health insurance , and nights and weekends off . What I didn 't realize is that having a business degree does not equal obtaining a business job . ( like generally how a teaching degree = teacher , a law degree = lawyer , a biophysicist degree = biophysicist , etc ) After college , I had no idea what to do with myself . Even less of an idea than I did four years before . I 've had jobs in the meantime . Some more interesting , more demanding , more or less money ( mostly less ) . But none of them have been a life calling . None of them opened me to other opportunities . None of them inspired me . In fact , they did the opposite . When I was laid off from my last job , I pretty much buried my head in the sand . I was on the baby quest too , but that was only part of it . I was afraid . Just as I am now . Here I am over ten years out of college , with no goals . And call me depressed ( because clinically , I am ) but for the life of me , I don 't even care . I have no idea what to do with my lifPosted by A few weeks ago , Nemo let me know that he couldn 't take advantage of his parenting time because he was going to an interview that was out of town . I get so excited that I don 't really care what his excuse is , if we get a day to ourselves . But I always follow up on whatever the excuse du jour is . This has provided me with great entertainment because I know that his excuses are usually lies . And as time goes on and he 's used up all the easy excuses ( traffic , weather , etc ) his lies have gotten more substantial . When I followed up on his interview , he told me that the job was an hour away from my brother in the big city . He seemed to have quite a few details , so either it was the truth ( always a possibility I guess ) or he had given the lie some thought . For awhile I got down on my knees and begged God for Nemo to get the job . I wished , I hoped , I bargained . I thought it would be a wonderful solution to the headache that is my parenting time problem . As it turned out , Nemo got the job . But he decided not to take it . Apparently they were willing to pay good money ( which obviously he needs ) and moving costs . He told me that he didn 't take it because he didn 't want to leave Lucian . I may have bought that as an excuse if he was acting like a real father to Lucian . Lucian has never , ever been a priority for Nemo . Not once . So why now ? Maybe parts of story were true ( the interview part ? the location of the company ? ) but I still think it was a lie . What purpose it served , I 'm not quite sure . He 's big on talk and little on action , so maybe it was all to con me . Maybe he had the interview but didn 't get the job . Maybe he got the job but decided not to take it because his dad offered him more money to support his drug habit . Maybe he couldn 't leave his legion of ex - girlfriends and str * ippers . All I know is that I am disappointed that he isn 't leaving the state . Last night , Lucian and I met Nemo for dinner . It 's part of my let 's see how Nemo and Lucian interact with each other plan . At this point , I still don 't feel that Nemo has earned any trust from me . But the only way for that to happen is to see them together . And although he doesn 't have my trust , I did witness Nemo being tender with Lucian , and even that was a positive step . Lucian ( aka Mr No Nap ) made the whole affair a bit more difficult , but all in all , we had an okay time . Because , really , how great of a time can you have with your ex - husband who you despise , who lies every chance he gets , sleeps with any willing female , and looks and smells awful ? Back to the story : We met at a local fast food restaurant . You know , the one with the kid 's meals and choking hazard toys because they never have the toddler toys ? Anyway , we placed our order and when the girl told us the amount , Nemo said - I 've got it . He gets his wallet out , reaches into the bill section and realizes that he doesn 't have enough money . So he pulls out his debit card and hands it to the girl . Seconds go by , I 'm holding Lucian who wants to be put down but I can 't let him run , so he 's starting to freak out . The girl then says - your card was denied . Why I was shocked , I 'll never know . ( Last summer , when it was our account , I was denied an $ 11 purchase at the grocery store . We used to receive overdraft notices in the mail daily . I 'm not sure how Nemo ever paid all those fees back , we had so many . ) I think I was surprised because I thought that even though Nemo is paying me child support , I thought that Elvira and his dad ( and possibly others ) were helping him out financially . Maybe it 's always a shock to find out someone is dead broke . Later I would feel sad at how pathetic he is , and self - doubt as to if I should have bought this jerk dinner . But at the moment all I felt is surprise . I paid for dinner . I opened my wallet , glanced at my credit cards that I 've been able to keep . I thought of my good fortune of not having my credit ruined by this man . I reachPosted by I 've picked up a nasty cold . Lucian has too . So we 're both crabby today . We had plans to go swimming at a friend 's pool , but I had to cancel because I didn 't want her baby to get sick because of us . I was really looking forward to it too . I recently purchased my first bathing suit in probably five years . I 'm extremely modest , and a bit on the heavy side ( especially around my middle ) which is why I 've been avoiding pools , beaches , and summer activities in general for a long time . ( I 'm also afraid of the water so that doesn 't help either . ) Two years ago I got my current pump , the Cozmo . The main reason I chose it was because it was waterproof . How much sense does that make ? Anyway , I found this great bathing suit at lands end . I was hesitant about ordering it because I 'm not one to buy clothing without trying it on . I 'm so un - proportionate now that I can 't take anything for granted . Amazingly , this bathing suit was designed for my body . The best thing about it , is that it has a little pocket inside and my pump fits in perfectly ! I can now go swimming and wear my pump the whole time and there 's no way it will come out of the pocket . Plus , it covers up all the body parts I want covered . Swimming doesn 't get any better than that . I 'm back from my brother 's wedding . All in all , the wedding was a success . My brother is happily married and is now on his way to Hawaii with his new wife . The wedding was emotionally very difficult for me . For many reasons . The first was that Lucian being unwelcome offended me . Not to the wedding itself , because I understand that many people want adults - only parties . ( although it would have been nice since we were travelling 500 miles to attend , and Lucian is his only nephew . ) What bothered me was that Lucian was not invited to the photos beforehand . If you feel I 'm over - reacting , please don 't tell me , I can 't hear it now . I would have really liked a family photo with my son included . ( they did , however , include my sister 's boyfriend . I 'm not knocking him in any way because I like him a lot and think he 's awesome for her . I just think that they could have included their nephew in the photos too . ) Second , I often felt like the third wheel . Like the person who 's in the way . I was the oldest bridesmaid , the only non - sorority girl , and also the heaviest . The only previously married , old lady of the bunch . I was a fish out of water . Third , my brother lives downtown . He 's a big city guy now . I love my brother , but he makes me feel like I 'm one of his relatives from some po - dunk town . ( The rest of my family lives here too , but I won 't speak for them , only myself ) The fact is , I live in a thriving suburban area . There is nothing his city has that I don 't have here . I don 't do well in big cities . I feel claustrophobic . I hate taxis - they make me nervous . I would rather walk than take a taxi . I like being in control of my destination . I like being able to drive across town and not have to pay someone $ 20 to get there . I was given wrong addresses twice , that didn 't help me feel calmer either . Lastly , this weekend made me realize just how far apart my brother and I are . And not just in our locations . They had two maids of honor and two best men , and all four of them gave toasts . Each one explained what great people my brother Posted by I 'm exhausted . I really have no time to blog , but I couldn 't stay away . So I 'm going to try and make this short and sweet , as I have to get up early tomorrow morning for our big trip . Tonight was the night that Lucian and I met Nemo at the zoo for the concert . All in all , it was a very positive experience . There ended up being a group of about fifteen of us . I think Lucian was scared of the crowd . But once it thinned out a bit towards the end , he danced his heart out . Nemo spent some time talking to me . He expressed sadness about my friend going through the divorce . He even told Arista 's husband that he would do it a lot differently if given another chance ( however , he had about 100 chances and blew them all ) . Arista pulled me aside before we left . She said - it seems like Nemo is acting human and making an effort . We discussed whether or not it was all for show , but still were happy of the outcome either way . Then something happened that soured my whole evening . I decided to use the bathroom before we left . At the same time , Nemo took Lucian in search of something for Nemo to drink . Afterward , I met him where he had already rejoined the others . He was drinking a bottled water , and I asked him - oh so you did find a vending machine ? Which he then says to me - no , I ran into ex - girlfriend who gave it to me . What a coincidence ! He must think that I am dumber than I look . However , I found out about his sleazing around with her in a sneaky way , so I can 't come out and admit I know anything . Nemo claimed that he didn 't know she was coming . And oddly enough , he left his phone in the car , so if they had planned to meet , they must not have been specific , since I was the one who chose our concert viewing location . Arista , who already knew about ex - girlfriend , said to me - just when I was thinking things were going well . She has now experienced the same feeling I used to get when things Nemo did just didn 't add up right . The thing is , I don 't really care who he is with these days . I mean , I care for Lucian 's sake , but what really iPosted by This is going to be a very busy week for me . So if I don 't post at all , it 's because I just don 't have the time . My brother is getting married this weekend , out of town . I 'm freaking out right now how to incorporate all of Lucian 's stuff and schedule into their busy ( child - free ) itinerary . I haven 't taken Lucian farther than a short day trip , so it will be interesting . My Mom 's birthday is this week and we 're trying to fit in some time to celebrate that also . My Dad is on vacation , which means that things are getting done around here . He keeps himself so busy that I feel guilty for relaxing . That will have to wait until next week when he goes back to work . I 'm also trying something new with Nemo this week . On one of his nights , we are going to meet at the zoo because they stay open late and have concerts . It was something I had wanted to do , and he seemed pretty excited about it too . Arista and her family are going to go , so that should cut the tension a little . I 'm hoping to be able to blog this week . I enjoy getting my feelings out there so much that I 'm going to try hard to fit it in . But just in case I can 't find time - see you next week ! I complain about Nemo a lot ( because there 's a lot to complain about ) but really things have gotten better . A little better anyway . It was incredibly awkward during the transition time after I had filed for the divorce , but before I had moved out . Nemo was unpredictable and frightening . I felt like he was a loose cannon waiting to go off . A couple of times , he did . The first time was in the spring . I was reading four month old Lucian a story , when Nemo came home . During this time , Nemo would come home from work on random nights , and never even greet or pay attention to Lucian . Ever . Anyway , this particular night , he came home and was mad at me . ( usually he was just indifferent towards me , like he didn 't know who I was at all . ) He was upset because I had told my attorney everything , and given her a list of our assets , including his profit sharing account that I had said I wouldn 't go after . ( and as an aside , I didn 't want to go after it . But after he had spent all the equity out of our home , he left me no choice . ) I explained this to him . But he was still mad . He got even more upset . I asked him to please keep his voice down , that he was going to scare Lucian . Nemo walked out of the room and started screaming obscenities at me from another room . Mean and cruel things that I can 't even repeat . Even though Lucian was too young to understand , I pledged then that I would never have him in that kind of environment again . No child should have to hear horrible things about their mother . After that , I avoided Nemo as much as possible . Then , he stole my journal . I felt vulnerable and unprotected . I voiced this to my attorney , but she thought it was in my best interest to stay in the house , as it gave me more leverage . So even though I 'm constantly complaining about him , it 's gotten better . I live somewhere where he doesn 't show up randomly . He doesn 't call and harass me anymore . We have very little to talk about . We 're not really fighting about anything anymore . Just knowing that Lucian and I are safe from the screaming , obscenitPosted by Just when I 've started to make some peace with my situation , I find out things that I don 't want to know . I found out last night , that in addition to Elvira , Nemo is in deep contact with an ex - girlfriend . I knew of her existence all through my marriage , because from time to time , Nemo would tell me an update about her . I always felt he was honest , and I 'd guess that he spoke with her about 3 - 4 times a year . This ex - girlfriend was a high school girlfriend . She 's married , and has a child . I believe that she is living with her husband at her mother 's house . The mother has never liked Nemo . Anyway , last night I found out that he has been " sneaking into her house " because her husband works nights . Apparently , he 's going to be working the day shift for two weeks , and she 's not happy about it . Ex - gf told Nemo that she hadn 't called him the day before because she knew that he was with " the ball and chain " ( not me ! hooray ! ) Nemo told ex - gf that he loved her , repeatedly . The whole thing makes me ill . I know that I was looking for this information , it didn 't come find me , so what do I expect ? Still , I guess in my naivete , I thought that he was happily settled with the str * ipper . It still upsets me to think he 's out prowling around . Not for me , but for Lucian . I 've thought of all the things I could do : contact Elvira , contact ex - gf 's husband , etc etc . I 'm not that person who does that stuff though . Which leaves me with dealing with it on my own . I wish I was someone who could pull off some mean revenge type stuff . My Mom thinks that this is all great . Because now I have additional information on him . He has a new ball and chain . That it just reinforces that it was never about me , it 's about him . Also , chances are , with his current lifestyle , he wouldn 't want to have an overnight with Lucian . Still , the feeling in the pit of my stomach just won 't go away . Today I heard from a friend that she 's going to be getting a divorce . Her husband told her that he wants out of the marriage , that he no longer loves her . She doesn 't think that there 's another woman in the picture . But I don 't believe that . Truth be told , myself and some others thought their marriage was heading towards divorce for awhile now . They 've had some problems that have been obvious to others , although not so obvious to them , I guess . My heart goes out to her . I recognize many of the feelings that she 's experiencing . Her life as she knows it is ending . Eighteen months ago , when I told her that I had filed for divorce , I also told her about Nemo having very little contact with Lucian . That he had no interest , and had told me that Lucian would be living with me . What she told me then was - but he 's his father ! Of course , you 'll both be splitting time with Lucian . I remember being incredibly upset , thinking about my helpless two month old spending time with my helpless , drug using , str * ipper loving , evil , idiot husband . I couldn 't bare it . So today I asked her what she thought was going to happen to her three kids . She said - they 'll be staying with me , and I doubt that he 'll really want to spend any time with them , since he hardly sees them now . I didn 't say anything , because I remember still how hurt her comment made me . But the fact is , once her husband realizes that he can use the kids to bargain , he 'll be interested in them too . And legally , he has every right . I fought for Lucian , because I love him . Because I want what 's best for him , for his safety , his emotional and physical well being . Nemo only fights when he thinks it will get him something in return , or to hurt me . And sadly , this is his legal right too . Divorce really sucks . No one wins . Then again , infertility sucks , diabetes sucks , but somehow I 've come out on the other side alive from all this stuff . I 've made my peace with diabetes . I 'm nearly successful with infertility , and I 'm trying hard to find peace with the divorce . I 'm a symbol of hope fPosted by Today was my interview . It went surprisingly well . I was a bit nervous beforehand , but once I got there , I was fine . The job is in the legal profession . They are actually looking for a receptionist , which I 'm way overqualified to do . However , right now , I 'm looking for some no - brainer type of work . ( not to say that being a receptionist is the easiest thing to do , just not the most challenging for me in the long run . ) The cool thing is that at some point in the future , they are looking for someone who could do more on the legal side , so the job could grow with me as my brain begins to function again . Then , they would look for a new receptionist . I really liked both of the men I interviewed with . One went to the same college I did , and earned the same degree , although he was a year ahead of me . They seemed to respect family time a lot too , and that makes a big difference to me . Here are the positives : 1 . good health insurance ( which I desperately need ) 2 . close proximity to home , and even closer to Nemo 's parents ' house3 . flexibility ( they are actually looking for someone to work until 6 : 00 . I told them that due to my current parenting time schedule , I would need to leave by 5 : 00 MWF , and they said that they could work around that . ) 4 . my friend already works there and likes it5 . I wouldn 't have to go out and look for something else6 . they know that I 'm a divorced , single mother with diabetes and they were cool with thatHere are the negatives : 1 . I 'd have to answer the phone , and do lots of secretarial work , which is not really my dream job2 . I 'd have to work until 6 : 00 on TTh , which would mean that theoretically Nemo would be spending more awake hours with Lucian during the workweek than me . Obviously , the positives outweigh the negatives . Except that the one negative involves Lucian , and that makes me sad . I always thought that I 'd be able to stay home with him until he went to school , so it 's hard for me to accept that I won 't be doing that . I probably won 't know for a couple of weeks yet . But I 'll keep you posted . Thanks to everyone that responded with comments about my dilemma . I ended up doing what everyone suggested . I e - mailed him and said that because I hadn 't heard from him , I had already made plans . ( My plans were to get Lucian to bed on time , but he didn 't need to know that . ) I wrestled with it for awhile , because even though Nemo doesn 't deserve it , I 'm really trying to work with him rather than against him . Our parenting time agreement is MWF 5 : 30 - 8 : 00 . So , Nemo needs to let me know by 5 : 30 the night before . It 's been in effect over a year now . He has all day until 5 : 30 to call - you 'd think that would be a relatively easy task . On Tuesdays and Thursdays , he normally e - mails me in the morning from work . So he 's better about the 24 notice then . But on Sundays , it 's hit or miss . He never e - mails me on a Sunday , which I don 't understand because it seems to me that it would be easier than having to talk to me ( or my parents ) . My theory is that he 's out late on Saturdays , and spends Sundays recuperating . I still think he 's into drugs . The strangest part might be his response . I was nervous , as I always am when I have to set boundaries with him . But he e - mailed me this morning and said that he was sorry that he called late , and " wished that it didn 't have to be like this " . I 'm not sure what he meant . I mean , the reason we implemented the 24 hour notice was because of him ! He just wasn 't showing up for parenting time , and I 'd have to sit around and wait for him . This was when I was still living in my old house . I guess I 'll never figure him out . I felt really good about what I did . Especially hearing from you - it reinforced my decision . Thank you . Stay tuned for more dilemmas of mine . . . I 've got many more ! I have a difficult time making decisions . I can 't seem to make choices - I always worry that I 'll make the wrong one . So , dear readers , I want to ask you what you would have done if you were in my situation . Nemo has to give me 24 hours notice to take advantage of his parenting time . If he doesn 't call , I don 't have to honor his request . Tonight , he called fifteen minutes late . I was not home , so he left a message . This is not the first time this has happened . In the past , I have both said yes and no , depending on the circumstances . On the one hand , I 'm trying to work with him . But on the other , I feel that if I don 't set and keep some boundaries , he 'll take advantage of me forever . And really , 15 minutes ! He had ALL day long to call or e - mail me . You 'd think that if it were that important to him to see Lucian that he 'd make it a priority . Leave me a comment and let me know what you think . You can leave it anonymous if you 'd like . I 'll let you know what I did afterward . Today was the day of the party , the one I had the panic attack about . All my worrying was for nothing . It was a successful day . I first took Lucian over to Arista 's and he and my goddaughter splashed in the pool and played with her toys , then Arista , Lucian and I drove to the party . Nemo met us in the driveway , as was my request . He had to borrow my sippy cup , because even though I had reminded him , he had brought nothing for Lucian . Arista and I went shopping . I bought a pair of shoes for Lucian that I had been eyeing , for less than $ 4 . I also bought myself a cute top for $ 7 . We had such fun - it reminded me of the days we used to spend shopping before the kids . Then we picked up Lucian . Nemo again met us in the driveway . Lucian 's godfather ( a cousin . . . I 'll have to tell that particular story soon ) and Nemo 's aunt ( not the one whose house it was ) met us too . Nemo 's aunt was so kind , she said that she wanted me to come over and see her , that she didn 't care about everything that had happened , she just wanted to see me . She was one of the ones I really miss . I told her that Nemo 's family had made everything so awkward . Lucian 's godfather was equally wonderful . We talked for a few minutes , and then left . Poor Lucian was exhausted tonight since he missed his nap . He could barely keep his eyes open for his bath . But he arrived home in one piece , and seemingly unscarred . So I have nothing to complain about today . Lots of things were inflicted on me and my marriage by Nemo while I was pregnant two years ago . I think that I 've touched on most of them at this point . I 've really tried to get some of this stuff out of my head and out onto the internet , but it has occurred to me that I 've forgotten one significant incident . It was an early morning in November , 2004 . I was approximately thirty - six weeks pregnant . It was a few days after the voting incident and our anniversary , but before my meltdown . I was up early . I had an appointment for an ultrasound and an NST at the hospital to check on the baby . At this point , Nemo had not been sleeping at home , and was only coming home after work for a couple of hours before he left again for the night . So I was getting my coat on , waddling to the door , when the door opened and Nemo came in . I nearly jumped out of my skin . He looked like he had been run over by a truck . There were bruises on his face under his right eye and he couldn 't move his arm . I asked him what had happened , and here 's what he said . ( keep in mind that although I knew about his " former " relationship with Elvira , he had sworn to me that it was over , and that he had been spending the nights with his brother or cousin because he was so unhappy . ) He said - I was at B 's house ( a friend who had been arrested a few years back for dealing drugs ) playing cards . A guy came to the door , and wanted to see B 's sister . Nemo , because he was such a chivalrous , gallant man , intervened , and the guy ended up beating Nemo up . The story had holes from the beginning , but I had no idea what to make of it . I got mad at him , and asked why on earth he was defending B 's sister when his wife was home alone , scared , and very pregnant ? Then , I left . Because the most important thing in my life was my baby and I didn 't want to be late for my appointment . Nemo headed to the ER ( different , closer hospital than the one where I was heading ) , where they told him that he 'd need physical therapy for his dislocated shoulder . On the way to my appointment , Nemo 's mPosted by Good news ! I have an interview next week . Now , if I can only convince someone to hire a diabetic , divorced , single mother with a crazy parenting time arrangement . And , oh yeah , I haven 't worked in nearly five years . I 'll have my work cut out for me . There 's some obsessive compulsive tendencies in my family . I don 't believe that any of us are extreme about it where it 's affecting our daily lives . But if you look close enough , you 'll realize that it 's there just the same . For the most part , it shows itself in routines and repeated phrases . I crave routine myself , and I 'm the first person to admit it . I have a daily routine , and I get frustrated when things don 't happen the way I like them to . I 'm able to get over it pretty quickly and move on when the routine gets broken , and I think that 's probably the biggest difference between me , and others where the problem is more severe . I 'm not a phrase repeater myself , but there are members of my family who repeat things over and over . I won 't mention who , because if they ever read this , they 'll know who they are . They will even fully admit that they do it . I found that the best way to deal with the repetition is not to respond . When they don 't have an audience , they tend not to do it so much . And then there 's Lucian . I 've realized that he has inherited the phrase repeater gene . Right now , he 's obsessed with trains . Whenever he sees a train , he yells - koo koo ! ( for choo choo ) If I don 't respond , he repeats it again and again until I acknowledge that yes , in fact , he has seen a train . And since there are now many , many trains around the house , it seems like he is saying it all day long . He also does it in reference to my parents . One day , we dropped my Mom off somewhere and he and I got back in the car . The entire way home , he questioned - Gigi ? ( for Grandma ) I 'd then say , we just dropped her off . A minute later , he 'd ask again - Gigi ? I was going crazy . Another time , my sister was in the car driving him and I was following in a separate car . She said he called my name the whole time . Not just calling , but questioning - Baba ? Baba ? Baba ? ( his name for me ) . Almost everything Lucian says is in the form of a question anyway . Car ? Phone ? Doggie ? Tractor ? Plane ? Cracker ? Wheel ? Shoe ? Chair ? I feel obligated each time to say , yesPosted by I 've had acne almost my entire life . The first time I saw a dermatologist was when I was in the first grade . My Dad used to take me once a month or so . They 'd have me lay down with steam burning my face to loosen everything up . I hated it . Then it got worse when the doctor would come in and use this tool to remove my blackheads . I remember being the only kid in the office . The only good things were that my Dad always took me out for ice cream afterwards , and I got to miss school . This went on all during elementary school . By the time I got to middle school , my acne problem had escalated . My parents found me a different doctor . I liked him a lot . The first time I saw him I was probably eleven . I remember him telling me that I could have problems til I was eighteen . Eighteen ! That seemed like forever to me . This doctor was thorough and patient , and through the years prescribed me everything under the sun . In college , my acne problem got worse . By this point in time , I had rotated through every drug a few times , and nothing had worked . My face was always red , blotchy , achy , and rough . Until my doctor said enough was enough and put me on Accutane . It cleared me up beautifully . I had the skin of a model . I look at pictures of myself from that time , and you can see that my skin is shiny and bright . Accutane has a lot of side effects , including birth defects so it 's not without risk . But to me , after a lifetime of break - outs , it was worth it . I felt beautiful for the first time in my life . Accutane is meant to be taken for a few months and stopped . It works by drying up your oil glands . In most people , the results last . Or at least clear up your skin to the point where an over the counter drug will work . Of course , that didn 't happen for me . Within a year , I was back at the dermatologist . We did another round of the Accutane . Another year later , same result . I was out of options . My acne was a little less severe in my post - college days . I think that my hormones were probably more stable than when I was a teenager . However , I sPosted by I 'm a 30 - something mom to a wonderful little boy named Lucian , who was conceived using a sperm donor and IUI . Previous to that , I did IVF twice . I 've had type 1 diabetes for almost twenty - five years and have used an insulin pump for eight . I 'm currently using the Deltec Cozmo . I 'm divorced from Nemo , who left me while I was pregnant . I 'm currently single , without a job , and living with my parents . I 'm not a writer , just someone with a story to tell . All events are factual to the best of my memory . Names are changed to protect the not - so - innocent .

Last week , my friend , Jamie * sent me a private message on Facebook telling me she has a problem . Though I already have an idea what her problem was , I still had to confirm it . And I was right , sadly . She walked out on her husband . Why ? How could a woman leave her husband of 20 + years and 6 children . There was only one explanation I had in mind . She was pushed to leave . That night , my friend came over . When I asked her what happened , she said she couldn 't recall everything . She just remembered changing her shirt , grabbing her wallet and walking out the door without turning back . When I asked her about her children , she said she couldn 't take them with her . Twenty and more years ago , Jamie met the man of her dreams , though she didn 't know it at the time . Unaware of what she really felt for the guy , she was shaken when she learned that the guy got his girlfriend pregnant and married her . Jamie was devastated . She lost her friend , her mentor and the guy she deeply loved . She turned to the easiest and most inviting of ways , self destruction . She entered into a relationship in an attempt to mend her broken heart . Naturally , it didn 't work . It was then she met Alex . He got her pregnant so they got married . But if Jamie thought she was settling down for good , she was wrong . Alex was a suspicious , spineless and slothful creature who wouldn 't work and wouldn 't let his wife work because she might flirt with another man . But the bills were piling and the kids were growing fast . So , Jamie had to push Alex to work and so he did , but what he earned was not enough for their growing family . So , finally , he let Jamie work . But with his constant nagging , Jamie had to stop working and with what very little Alex was making , Jamie was soon deep in depth . And to top it all off , Alex , sick and tired of Jamie 's complaints started to raise his hands on her . Overwhelmed with physical , financial and emotional problems , Jamie sought for a diversion and found one in Dino * . The relationship which started in Facebook eventually became physical . But it seems like Jamie is unlucky in love , Dino turned out to be a jerk . So , Jamie had to put an end to the relationship . Unfortunately , a year after Jamie 's clandestine affair had ended , Alex found out about it . Jamie was caught and she had no choice but to admit her sin . Things got from bad to worse . The beating became more often and Jamie started to fear for her life . And even though Alex forgave his wife for her infidelity , could not forget what she did and he brings out the issue every single chance he gets . Mylene * is a widow . Her husband was murdered several years ago leaving her with three small boys to raise . As is tradition to us , Filipinos , she left her children to her older sister , who has a family of her own , while she worked abroad . Last week , Mylene came home . She had with her a new nanny for her children and accused her sister of squandering the money she sent from abroad , the money that was supposed to be for her children . She asked her sister to pay her back all the money she sent her . I don 't know the whole story and I 'm not sure if I 'd want to know . All I know is that they are family , always were and always will be . I sincerely wish they settle whatever differences they have before that family falls apart altogether . . Since then , any place I get to live , I made it my business to be in good terms with my neighbors . I could say I 've always been successful ( until now : D ) . Finding a good neighbor , however , is a two - way process . In order to have a good neighbor , you must be a good neighbor yourself . You have to , first and foremost , show respect to your neighbors . To this I mean turning down the volume of your radio or television , not littering on you neighbor 's yard , not letting your pet eat your neighbor 's food , and not spreading gossip about your neighbor . They may sound petty , but they are true and they are frequently violated . We have to be polite with our neighbor and treat him the way we want to be treated . After all , when something goes wrong , it is our neighbor whom we could ask the most immediate help from . He may not be able to help us but he may be able to cry for help . Gina * and Miko * met in college . They were classmates and they became sweethearts in no time . For years they were a happy couple until Gina got pregnant . Just so people wouldn 't say that they got married only because of the baby , they didn 't . Their daughter was already three years old when they finally settled down . So , Gina became the mistress of the house , a role she played very well and very successfully . Though waited on by house maids , Gina personally supervises everything , from the food to prepare to Miko 's suits . Even the schedule of regular car wash was managed by Gina . She was a hands on mother to their daughter helped only by the live - in sitter especially when she was out with Miko or busy preparing a party for Miko 's friends . Moreover , she didn 't neglect her looks . She worked out and stayed slim and had a regular appointment with the derma and the hairdresser . She always made sure to look her best for Miko . So , when Miko left her for another woman , we couldn 't think of anything to say to comfort her and make her feel better . Because even we didn 't know what else was wrong and lacking . And now that marriage is already annulled , we all wish the best for Gina . When I met her , I didn 't know if I was scared of her or quite irritated . Scared because she can take my job away if she finds me wanting and irritated because she was making us all feel uncomfortable and completely stressed out . She is the kind of person whom everybody would like to be when she grows up . Though I , for one , would rather prefer to be more . . warm and approachable . She told us a little about herself , how she started as an ordinary employee and became a fearless manager for the greater part of her nine working years . She was one successful girl . Then , she said something that I would never forget . She said that until now , she isn 't sure whether her career is the right one for her . I was thinking , how could it be ? How could such apparently successful individual question whether the thing she seems to excel in is right for her . How did she stand working in a kind of business that she didn 't like all these years . I suddenly felt proud of the times when I was teaching . I never ever question whether it was the right job for me . I simply knew . Someday I would go back to teaching and continue educating young people . It was sometime in 1990 . My father was about to close the billiard hall for the night and I was helping him pack up . My mother was behind me sweeping the floor with an old broom . He was clasping his belly with his hand . From it seeped the darkest red fluid I ever saw . It was blood . I froze . I couldn 't move , but when I heard my mother yelled at me ' get inside ! ' I ran and didn 't come back . My father ran to call for help , the police station , the health center , the barangay hall , but it took almost an hour before the injured man was taken to the nearest hospital . We soon learned that the man passed by a group of drug addicts in the dark and was stabbed by one of them . He ran for help until he came to our billiard hall which was the only open place that night . Fortunately , the suspect was caught and eventually jailed . Unfortunately , the victim died . For as long as I could remember , love triangle has been featured as a theme in movies and romantic fiction . Among those were The Notebook , Twilight Saga and The Hunger Games . I 'm partial to these three because they are what I remember the most , Hunger Games being very recent , Twilight being super popular and The Notebook being one of my favorite movies . Still , they are just that , movies . But the question whether it is possible to love two people at the same time is left unanswered . There are those who would say definitely not because if you really love someone , you will never get to fall in love with someone else . But , there are those who consider love a complicated thing and in which everything and anything is possible , and that a loving heart can accommodate a thousand let alone two equally deserving people . At first , the youngsters had misgivings , but then , when they found out that there was no registration fee and no uniform requirement , they started to form teams and sign - up . Initially , there were only three teams . But when the game officially started and everybody seems to be having so much fun , the three registered teams became six and closed at eleven . So , there were eleven teams in all , with no manager , no uniform not even shoes but with bright faces that shone with anticipation . Besides the free use of his drier , my uncle also donated a small amount of money for cash prizes and inexpensive trophies . Seeing how much fun he was bringing to the youth of our place , some other people including Councilor Mike Libunao , former Councilor Nestor ' Toy ' de Leon , Mr . Jose ' King ' de Leon , and Mr . Narciso ' Doyong ' Imperio started to hand in their own donations to keep the fun going . Special thanks was owed to Mr . Bitoy Silva and his family for facilitating the games with humor and passion and to Melody Silva Gaspar for keeping the league together . All in all , the little league was successful . It was not just a short time of fun but a diversion from mischief and boredom . It was an example of spontaneous kindness , giving without expecting anything in return . It was fun for the sake of fun without any political or religious agenda but a purely neighborly gesture . Congratulations to all those who participated in this little league . And to Mr . Ray ' Pate ' Silva , may God bless you for your generosity that you may continue to flourish and may other people of better means learn from your example and emulate what you have done for the community . Salute to you ! One night , as we were deep in sleep , I was woken by a commotion . Since I wasn 't brave enough to find out what was wrong , I waited until somebody turned on the light . I went out of the room and saw my landlady 's back on her way out . I waited for her in the living room . When she came back , I asked her what was the commotion about and she answered casually . " Oh , don 't be so shocked . This is the third time he has done it , I mean tried to kill himself . You may go back to sleep now . . " I wasn 't able to go back to sleep right away . I spent the night thinking how unhappy Eric is to want to die three times already . Then , I thought of myself , how I struggle hard to finish my studies in order to have a better life . Why do I want a better life when my neighbor does not want his life at all ? Then , on Christmas , she texted me saying that she had trouble at home , domestic trouble , as in husband and wife trouble . I learned that Facebook reunited not just her and me , but her and another person from her past as well , that person being special then and now . The person became her husband 's object of jealousy and caused a rift between them . Last week , my friend confided in me that she 's in a very difficult situation . She 's been married to her husband for 20 years and has been in love with her old friend all this time . And now that old friend has come back into her life , with a domestic problem of his own similar to hers , making them all the more right for each other . If only it 's as easy as breaking up and finding a new life with someone , but it isn 't . There are children involved and family extensions to consider . I asked my friend for how long she thinks she could hang on to being with the person she married . She said , she 's trying her mightiest but still couldn 't foresee how everything would end up . So , here goes . My new friend Frances * is a brave girl who doesn 't mind going home very late from work . For some reasons , she was so confident that nothing wrong was going to happen to her . But one night , after her shift from the airport , she left her work at midnight and was about to meet her boyfriend so he could take her home . But as soon as she left , she already noticed a suspicious looking man behind her . Scared that it was a hold - up - er , she didn 't look back nor did she slow down . She just kept on walking , hoping to reach the place where her boyfriend was supposed to meet her . She felt relieved when she saw him waving at him , so she walked faster . But it was then that the man declared ' hold - up ' . So , as soon as she reached her boyfriend , she told him to keep on walking as there was a robber behind them . The robber ordered them to keep quiet , keep on walking , not to look back and to give him their wallets . To keep both of them safe , Frances fished out her wallet from her bag while her boyfriend reached back for his wallet at his back pocket . But probably out of nervousness , his wallet slipped from his hand and fell down on the sidewalk . On impulse , he looked back to grab the wallet but recognized the robber . It was one of his neighbors , in fact , the robber was even in their house the previous weekend because there was a party . The robber asked them to please be quiet about his job . He even apologized for that unfortunate event . He let them go and warned them to be careful in those parts of the city because there are a lot of robbers roaming around . . : D On the early summer of 1988 , I was in second year high school . My friend and I were talking in front our house when we both noticed smoke coming out of our neighbor 's house . The house was across the street from ours , a little to the right . It was actually a house turned into a store and the fire probably started from the store and spread throughout the entire house . The family was not there as they stay at their big house during the night . There were , however , two houseboys inside but were lucky to go out when the fire broke . I guess my friend and I were few of those who saw the fire first and we felt responsible to do something about it . My guy friend yelled for help from the other neighbors while I alarmed my parents about the fire . My father immediately turned off our power supply to try to stop the fire from spreading through the electric cable . Then , he , too , went out carrying buckets and helped the other men of our neighborhood put out the fire . Maybe it just took less than an hour , but for me , it felt like forever . It was hot and the smoke made breathing difficult . In the end , the fire was extinguished . The house , though not totally burnt was beyond repair and the merchandise was everywhere soaking with water . The men were tired but happy except for the owner of the store . He said that at the confusion , some neighbors took some items from his store and instead of thanking the people who helped save his burning house , he expressed his disgust to the thieves , turned his back and went home . The store was rebuilt right away . But it never again regained it popularity and its regular customers . After several years , the store was sold and it is now being operated by someone else . I know of some people who love too deeply or thought they do . And some of them expect to be rewarded for loving another person too much . It 's as if they suppose the other person should love them as much as they love the other person and if they aren 't loved as much , they felt sad . . and mad . Most of my childhood friends have very jealous spouses , both the guys and the girls , but mostly the guys . It wasn 't only once that I sent a text message to an old guy friend ( to ask for another friend 's cellphone number ) only to be texted back by the wife who , for some reasons , asked me ' What do you need from my husband ? ' ( Ano ' ng kailangan mo sa asawa ko ? ) . Wow ! As if I needed anything from anybody 's husband ( you know what I mean ) . And then another friend sent me an Instant Message which I answered very enthusiastically . But then , after 30 minutes of chatting with ' my friend ' he , rather she , admitted that my friend was actually doing something outside and it was in fact his wife that I was chatting with . Gosh … Arnel * was having trouble with money . He wasn 't earning much and his family 's needs are getting more . With his eldest daughter in grade school , the middle in preschool and the youngest one a toddler who lives on milk and uses diaper every night , Arnel was deep in debt . But one day , his wife came to the house very early . She said Arnel walked from their house going to his workplace . She said they don 't have enough money for fare . Since I knew how far the distance was from their house to Arnel 's office , I got worried if Arnel made it . I called him on his cell phone and he said he made it to work after walking for two hours . When I asked Arnel 's wife how he would come home , she said he would probably walk again . Then , I asked if he had something to eat for lunch , and her answer was no . I took my wallet from my purse and handed her a couple of hundred bills . When we graduated from high school in 1991 , one of my classmates eloped with her boyfriend and became a mother in a matter of months . But life had been very difficult and my friend started working as a domestic helper abroad as soon as it was legal for her to do so . She worked like she 'd never worked before , believing in her heart and soul that she was doing it for her kids . Years had come and gone and her kids grew up . They grew up like strangers to her . She didn 't know them that much , their likes and dislikes , their moods , their dreams , their angers and fears . She didn 't know them at all . She felt sad but she couldn 't do anything . Working abroad is not for the faint - hearted , it is for tough people , and she met one tough guy . They got drawn to each other that when they came back here in the Philippines , she chose to go with him instead of go back to her real family . More years passed . She kept on working as hard as she could and never stop sending money to her children and doing her responsibility , thinking that she was doing her part as a parent . So , she was surprised to learn that her eldest child joined a fraternity and allegedly got injured in the hazing , the boy was only fifteen years old . The boy 's injury led to a more serious illness . He was diagnosed with bone cancer and his leg was amputated . Even after the amputation , the boy underwent a series of chemotherapy . Two years ago , I saw the boy 's pictures in Facebook . He died after fighting cancer for a year . My friend came home for the wake and went back abroad after a few days . Love isn 't blind . I guess you would agree with me on that . It actually sees the flaws and the shortcomings , but it doesn 't mind . . Actually , we mind , but at the back of our minds , we have this wish that someday , somehow , the person we love would change , probably for us , for himself , or even for someone else . And when he doesn 't , we feel hurt , frustrated and sometimes betrayed . We keep thinking that ' if he really loves me , he would do this or he wouldn 't do that … ' More often than not , the person doesn 't change , wouldn 't change or wouldn 't want to change , whatever the case may be . Once I asked a cousin if she knew that her husband was overly jealous before they got married , she said yes . Then , I asked a friend if she knew that her husband was pushy before they got married and she said yes , as well . So , if they knew it right from the start , why are they complaining now ? There was once a fat woman in our town . Most of the townspeople ignored her while children made fun of her because she was fat . Jeepney drivers didn 't want her because she occupied nearly two seats . Consequently , she didn 't have any friends . One day , she rode the jeep to go to the city . During the trip , she looked out of the window and ignored four children who were talking about her . The children were sitting on a duffel bag on the floor of the jeep . The oldest was telling the young ones how she swallowed a dozen small children which made her very fat . The fat woman was so used to that story she didn 't mind it anymore . She just kept looking outside . Then , she saw it . She saw another jeep going directly towards them . It was a head - on collision . The woman threw herself down the duffel bag to shield the children with her body and encircled them with her strong big arms . Both of the drivers died and a lot of passengers were severely injured including the fat woman . But the four children were alive . Except for minor bruises , the children were safe , thanks to the fat woman . My friend is a BS HRM student in Cabanatuan City . Early last week , in his haste to find a ride home , he left an envelope in the tricycle he rode on his way to the jeepney stop . It was already dark . He was so anxious to go home that he only noticed the missing envelope when he was already home . I asked him if there was any way he could find the tricycle , but he said there wasn 't any . First , it was already dark , second , he didn 't pay attention to details like the inside of the tricycle , the driver , anything . Third , he didn 't get on at the terminal , but just hailed it from the passing ones . When my friend went to school . His envelope was returned by the kind tricycle driver who left it to the security guard of the school . According to my friend , the driver even sent him a text message to let him know that his envelope was already in school . My friend called the driver to thank him and found out that the driver , upon seeing the envelope , went back to the jeepney terminal hoping my friend was still there . Early the next morning , the driver just left it to the guard on duty in school . For you , Mister , thank you . Thank you for giving us hope that there are still kind and considerate people like you . May GOD bless you and your family always . . My friend Sheila * is a very kind girl . She may look tough in the outside with her booming laugh and outspoken tongue but she is soft hearted and generous . She is the only person I know who never , as in never , nurse grudges against anyone . So , when I learned that she was in a relationship with Matt * I felt . . worried . Well , Matt is actually nice , very quiet and polite . But he has a tendency to be touchy and consequently rude . He gets mad at Sheila when she said something she thought totally inoffensive , but actually offensive to Matt . He takes almost everything negatively and puts words into Sheila 's mouth which usually starts a fight between them . When he is not in the mood , he wouldn 't send Sheila a single text message for a week and wouldn 't offer any explanation for his behavior but would get mad at Sheila when she doesn 't reply right away to his message . A few years ago , my brother 's fellow tricycle driver Lucas * teased him for not daring to drive around when his registration paper got expired . Lucas called my brother ' softie ' but my brother didn 't mind . Lucas said getting caught was just a matter of ' luck ' . So , when Lucas ' registration got expired , he didn 't bother to renew it right away . Unluckily , he was caught by the Land Transportation officers . It was found out that besides carrying an expired registration papers for the tricycle , Lucas ' driver 's license was also expired and his tail light wasn 't working . When I was in college , I knew of a student who was known for being a good writer . She was a consistent winner in literary contests in school . At that time , I was an aspiring writer who wrote to my heart 's content but didn 't have the courage to show anyone any of my works . They went straight to the wastebasket with no chance of being read . Surely , that girl was out of my league . . errr . . I was out of hers . After several years , however , our paths crossed again . We were introduced by a friend and I assumed that she liked me because the next day , she looked specifically for me and asked me if I wanted to join her for snack . Well , who was I to decline such invitation . I went with her and since then we were always seen together . I could say , we became friends right away . At first , I really liked her . She was so smart and she knew a lot of things . I didn 't keep the fact that I admired her writing and that I really find her cool . After a few months , I began to notice something . She has a tendency to criticize anything that is not of her liking and she looked down on people that I thought were her friends . In fact , she looked down on everybody we knew . I started to observe her really closely and I realized that this person that I considered my friend for a few months now had said nothing nice about anybody . It was always about her , about hers and about herself . Wow ! This girl is self - centered . And there was something else I noticed , every time we join a group , people disappeared one by one . So , I tried to go alone and nobody left . But when she came , they gradually dispersed . Then one day , I joined a writing competition and was notified after a few months that I won third place . Well , for a first timer , I guess third place wasn 't that bad . I was so happy . I looked for my friend and told her the good news . Contrary to what I expected , she just said . . ' Oh , really ? ' and that was it , no congratulations , no ' good job ' , no pat in the back , no anything . . Then it dawned on me , this girl had no other friend aside from me because no one could stand being with her . She only stayed with me not because she liked me but because I was the only one she got . And maybe she didn 't ridicule me the way she did to other people because for one I wasn 't ridiculous , second , because she didn 't want to lose a PA ( personal assistant ) . Last night , I was checking out some literary works and I came across an account in a poetry ' something ' that bears her name . I read some and I found out that it was a list of poems that she criticized . . err . . evaluated . I didn 't like what I read so I just closed it . Perhaps because of my being from another place , every guy wanted to dance with me and I felt too shy to turn anyone down . My soon - to - be - boyfriend just watched over throwing occasional winks at me . Was he having fun at my expense ? Then , I saw HIM , the cutest guy in the dance ( aside from my date of course ) . I 've noticed him before but I didn 't see him on the dance floor . . yet . I was too absorbed with him I nearly failed to hear what my partner was saying . It seems like somebody asked him to get my name . Well , sure , I told him my name and he politely led me back to my seat . Then , the lights went out save for the blue and red . Then , Enchanted Melody ( the most popular song at the time because of the recently shown movie , Ghost ) was played . Then , he , the cute guy himself stepped out and walked towards me . As he gently swept me into the dance floor , I could barely hear the announcer saying that this particular song was requested by the youngest brother of the groom who was studying in the city and came home for the wedding . It was a number played especially for us . Cute guy introduced himself to me and started asking me questions about myself . He also told me that he was the one who asked someone else to dance with me to get my name . As if on cue , my date materialized beside us , smiled warmly and spoke . . It didn 't take long for comprehension to register on the cute guy 's face . Then , he looked at his older brother with reverence , at me with admiration and unspoken regret before he willingly turned me over to my date . My date never left my side since then and I never saw cute guy again , ever . Sandra is a very smart girl . She was a consistent honor student from grade school to high school . She went to college through a scholarship and graduated with honors . But though unquestionably smart , Sandra is also a very shy girl . Her parents have assured her time and time again of how good she is but she still feels uncomfortable around people and prefers to be alone with her books . When she graduated from college , Sandra started to feel sad . Though she graduated with honors and her chances of being hired was good , she wouldn 't be hired if she wasn 't interviewed and she dreads the interview . She was sure she would be tongue - tied and would blow up her chances of getting the job . Then one day , she saw an ad for a job that she really really likes . She looked at the ad the whole day and pondered on how she would get the job . Her mother noticed her pacing nervously back and forth across the living room . Mother asked Sandra what was wrong so Sandra told her . Mother 's face lit up . Suddenly , an idea occurred to her . She went inside the room she shared with father . When she came back , she had with her a round shaped flat pebble . She handed it to Sandra and said . ' It was mine . Your grandmother gave it to me on my interview for my first job . I put it in my pocket and every time I felt nervous , I touch it and my nervousness would go away , and because of that , I got the job . . ' Mother explained . The following day , Sandra went for the interview . She put the pebble in her pocket and every time she got nervous , she would touch it . She would feel calm and would be able to answer the interview questions casually and very confidently . When the interview was over , she was told she was hired . ' It really worked , Mother ! I wished you 'd seen me . I was so good . I was very confident and the interviewer was obviously impressed . This pebble is magical . Where did grandma get this ? ' About 8 years ago , I was a STAY - AT - HOME mom to my 3 kids : a grade school , a pre - school and a toddler . Being in charge with all the house works and the children , I didn 't have any single time for myself . I felt like a fat , lousy , worthless bag of flesh . Then one day , as I was about to pick up my middle child from school , I heard a loud voice yelling " LUMPIA ! ( Egg roll ) " . It was the man selling eggroll in our subdivision . He was a tall , dark , lean young man who smiles at everyone he came across with . I suddenly felt the urge to buy some eggroll . Honestly , it didn 't look good , hehe . . But I just wanted to talk with him . But before I was able to say anything , he spoke , thus began our conversation . I found out that he was a high school graduate . He couldn 't find any job that could support his family . His wife was 6 - months pregnant and was at home taking care of their 2 - year old son . I asked him why he didn 't he apply for a regular job . He said a high school graduate like himself has a slim chance of getting a job unless under employment agency and he had bad experiences with employment agencies like not being paid on time , not being given over time pay , not being given SSS remittances , among others . So , he just decided to sell eggroll . When I asked him if it 's not difficult . He said everything is difficult and selling eggroll is better than not doing anything at all . He also expressed his regret for being not able to finish his studies and said that he would do everything he could so that his children will have a better life than what he had . That day , something has changed . I started to see beauty in everything . Moreover , I became more hopeful that I had ever been . . Thanks to the Eggroll Man . . I knew Jun - jun * since we were young . He was one of those dirty looking kids who roam the place around . Since my father had been operating a billiard hall from time immemorial , my chances of watching over it was a given . Needless to say , Jun - jun was one of our regular players . So , I wasn 't the only one who was shocked when we saw him in clean and respectable shirt and with decently cut hair . Come to think of it , he smelled nice , too . Our shock doubled over when we saw him among the sacristans . Well , it seems like our parish priest was giving him a chance , so , why won 't we ? Though I still had misgivings , I started to talk with Jun - jun just like I do with everybody else . Before , I used to avoid him every chance I get . After a few months , Jun - jun became one of us , at - ease , funny and nice . I noticed , however , that he liked talking to me more than the others and I could understand that , we 've known each other for a long time and now that we 're beginning to be friends , why not catch up for the lost times . Then , we were randomly paired in a newspaper dance where I had to step on his feet and put my arms around his neck just so we could win . Well , we lost . But since then , Jun - jun started to take a new interest in me . That 's when I found out his weakness . No matter how tough a guy he was , he was extremely shy to the girl he likes . I knew he was starting to like me but he was too shy to tell it to me in person . So , he started giving me stuff , sweets ( through his friends ) and a cuddly little stuffed dog ( through his friends as well ) . It went on and on until he finally realized he wasn 't getting anywhere unless he talks to me personally . Sadly , he chose a very unfortunate time . He came to our house at the same time another suitor did . He smelled of beer , but instead of disappointment I felt only pity for this tough guy who needed to drink just so he could speak up . It seems as if my other suitor understood Jun - jun 's predicament , he left earlier and even gave him an encouraging tap on the back . I didn 't want to break his heart so soon , but better sooner than later . So , I told him how nice it was of him to think I was cute and smart . I told him I like him too , but I like him only as a friend . And I would be happy if we would be friends in the years yet to come . Jun - jun was broken - hearted nonetheless , so , I gave him time and space . After a while , he started to talk to me again and we , indeed , became friends , until now . Every now and then he would remind me of that night and we would laugh over it agreeing with each other that it was one of the funniest moments in both our lives . I am a voracious reader and though I prefer HISTORICAL FICTION , SCIENCE FICTION and FANTASY , I also enjoy memoirs , YA fiction and a little romance . I love reading and I encourage other people to read , too , so I write book reviews BUT only of those I genuinely enjoy . Not only do I feature BOOK REVIEWS , but I also promote them on TWITTER and write comments on AMAZON and GOODREADS . You can contact me on twitter @ kimmyschemy06 or email me at kimmyschemy06 @ gmail . com for book review requests . View my complete profile

Tears before the sun shines I must say it has been a really long time since I blogged . I think I have kept away because I didn 't want to have my real feelings out . I feel like I am in a better place . My hurt and frustration with myself is mostly gone . Some of you maybe like , " What ? " Soon after I had Nora I felt like I needed to have another baby . After much praying and fasting and thought my husband and I were on the same page . The fear of what others would think and how we were going to afford one , etc came to mind , but we knew it was God 's will . I became pregnant soon after . Once I did the fears and reality of having to tell people was real . I began to brace myself for the thoughts of others forgetting I knew I was to listen to what the Lord wanted for my family . I had just gotten to the point where I could be ok with being pregnant and that it did not really matter what others thought when I lost my baby . I didn 't realize how much it hurt until I became numb to the world around me . I pretended that everything was alright . I wasn 't . I was so alone . Which was ok . I wanted to talk about it , but I also didn 't . I was in too much pain . My body hurt . It hurt that I could not stop my body from killing my baby . Had I wished it away ? Was I not worthy enough to have it ? Had I done something wrong ? I was in so much physical pain and mental pain . I could not do anything . I just lied on my bed it the dark holding my 10 month old baby . Half holding her . Half not wanting to be near her . I didn 't know who I was anymore . I was so alone . I was so angry . Angry at myself , the world , with God . I was hurt . One of the days I was so angry I just started yelling at God . Why did he allow me to get pregnant just to lose my baby . Why did he take it away ? I received the most beautiful response . It was like a dream . The feeling was so peaceful and immediate . I have felt this feeling before just a handful of times in my life . I am so blessed to have felt it more than once . I do not wish to share more of this part because it is so sacred to me . I just knew I was going to be ok and that I was not truly alone . I began to be a little bit better . But not who I used to be . I began to pull away from a lot of things I loved including my children . I started to loose myself in my work and house work . I felt safer there . NO one could hurt me there . I say this because I did open up a few times to people about what happened . I did not want people to pity me nor did I want people to be so openly hurtful . Sometimes people aren 't as sensitive as they need to be . Well maybe I should say as I needed them to be . There was a woman who I would watch her kids for her while she went to the Dr . She was pregnant and I thought I could share what happened to me with her . First thing she said to me was , " It is because of your age . " Not I am sorry or anything . I was so taken back . I was only 29 years old . I did my best to not be rude . It took me a long time to talk about it again . What hurt was people close to me would say something like , " oh , yeah your miscarriage . " This hurt do bad . I know it was not meant to hurt me , but it did . So I chose not to talk about it at all . That pregnancy meant a lot . I know it doesn 't make sense because there are parts of it I choose not to share . It is too special for me . I don 't want someone to say something that will down play or destroy my feelings and experience . I have tried to share my story with others just to be cut off and made to feel like a fool for sharing it . I won 't allow it . Sounds dumb , but it hurts to much . I don 't want to go back to the dark place I was . I have come a long way . I was so sick , mentally sick after my lose . For a year I could not get pregnant when before it just happened . I was broken . I could no longer get pregnant . It may seem like I had no patients , but when something happens so naturally and suddenly , " NOTHING ! " It was hard for me . That whole year trying to get pregnant was awful . I began to slip further into my world . Trying desperately to be who I was and knowing I could not be her again . I could not talk about it with anyone . When I did I felt so dumb . Why could I not just stop being depressed and enjoy the family I did have ? Why was I not more grateful ? It was not that easy . I cannot explain why I could not . I wanted to so badly . I wanted it more than anything . I think a part of me wanted to show Heavenly Father that I was going to listen to him and have a baby . If I did it would show I listened . I knew that was not true . I knew he loved me no matter what . It was this illogical part of brain telling me such a stupid thing . One year later I got pregnant . I was excited , but I didn 't want to be . What if I lost it ? What if . . . . . . ? I remember I was playing with my kids . I felt and heard a loud pop . I stopped what I was doing when I heard a voice in my head say . " You just lost your baby . " I tried not to panic or cry in front of my kids I quickly got up . I started bleeding . I started crying . This time I was prepared for the physical pain . This time I pretended that it did not matter . I was told playing with my kids did not make me loose the baby . I don 't know . All I know is what happened and how I felt . I was again truly hurt . I had no time to " care . " The Lord heard my cries and I tried to do what I was supposed to . Two month later I became pregnant again . I was so excited , scared , anxious . We did not tell anybody until I was almost 16 weeks along . I did not want anyone to know . I did not want to explain what happened if I lost this one . I worried about losing him all the way up until he was here . I wanted more than anything to have another little boy . I had waited 3 years for him . I had been hear broken , broken , a mess physically and mentally for 3 years . I never wanted to admit it , but I feel like I finally can . I feel like I need to so I can heal . My kids lost there mom for 3 years . I don 't know how they survived . I was in so much pain . I was so unbalanced . So out of my mind . So not who I wanted to be . I wanted to be the woman I was before I lost my first baby . I was not prepared for it . No one ever is . No one ever should be . It was by far the most foul thing to happen to me so far . The physical and emotional pain was overpowered me . I don 't know why , but it did . When I think about it my grief comes back and I sit and cry . I wonder about my baby . What would our family be like ? What would I have been like ? What would I be like ? Would I be a better mom ? Being a mom is the most beautiful thing I could have done . I miss just being a mom . I hate being a mom who is depressed . I have nothing to be depressed about , right ? I have four healthy beautiful children . I love and adore them . But would I be better had I not lost my baby ? Why can 't I be the mom I was ? I will say that writing this post has helped me heal . Heal the part of me that needed to get this out of me . I will still have days that take me to that dark place I was in . Every time I realize I am there I stop and think of that mom I was before my lose . I want to be her . I may never be able to be her , but I need to get back to being her as close as I can . My children deserve her . I deserve to be her . I want to be just a mom . Mom who sits and plays with her kids . I want to be the mom I never had when I was a little girl . I remember I just wanted a mom to play with me . I wanted a mom to brush my hair . I wanted a mom to hold me tight and tell me she loved me . I wanted a mom to sing me to sleep . I wanted a mom to love me . I always wondered why mom did not love me enough to stay . I never wanted my children to feel that way . Sometimes I feel like I am like my real mother . Not there for her kids , even though I am right here . I think that has been the hardest thing for me as I struggle with my depression . Being the person I most don 't want to be like . I never thought this before . I never realized how much not having a mom as a little girl made me feel . I just always pretended it did not matter . My dad was enough . I had a childhood unlike most people . That story is for another blog post . I will say that I have had great women try to fill that void in my life . I have my dad who was a wonderful single father . He went to all my sports activities , taught me to be independent and strong willed , and taught me I could do anything I wanted . He is the reason I love history , photography , art , museums , my Heavenly Father , and the value of hard work . I had my grandmother who taught me imagination , hard work , laughter , and love . My step - mother or my mom , who I got when I was 14 almost 15 . She taught me how it was to court someone . I loved watching her and my dad court each other as they were newly weds . She taught me how to be a girl when I was so used to being a girl dude . Then there is my Aunt Debbie who showed me some great times . She taught me about music and theater . Gram who taught me the love for animals and when to just sit and laugh . My Aunt Deborah taught me love from family . She taught me to craft and be good . My mother - in - law who has taught me friendship , kindness , to be bold , generosity , and love for others . I have been surrounded by great mothers . Some who I wish I could be more like . I know these women and more unnamed have made me the woman I am . I know that I am better because of them . I also know that time has mended my heart and will continue to do so . I know I will be who I was and eve better . I know this because I feel it . I know God has not left me alone . Even I the moments when I have doubted him , he is still there . He has never left me . Even though I may struggle I know I will be ok . I am not perfect . I will try to be ok with that = 0 ) I have been wanting to blog for a while . Well maybe not really blog , but I have been wanting to write down my feelings for a while . I just kept putting it off . I was not ready to . I feel like my heart is mending I can heal . I can move forward . The blocks in my path a being moved . I am grateful that they are . My burden was heavy to carry . I feel like I no longer am carrying it alone . I never had , but I am willing now to share my most inner thoughts and it feels so good to get it out . I feel free . Free feels good . I was sitting on the bus today . This was one of those rare moments when my children were silent and starring out the window . I was keeping an eye on them , each in different parts of the bus ( not far from me , but enough for me to keep an eye on them ) . I noticed a couple behind James . They were darling together . They were an older couple . He was whispering in her ear . She smiled and nodded . There was love . You could feel that they were happy . They were real groomed . I thought I hope when Adam and I reach their age that we will look like them . I began to wonder what they looked like as teens and as children . I looked over at James who smiled at me . I imagined the man as a boy . I began to imagine James as a teen and as a man . I hoped that he would still have that smile he flashed at me moments before . My eyes than turned to the man in front of me . He was an older man . Age was written on his face , hands , and clothing . He looked like he was wearing his best , yet dust and stains marked his pants , shirt , and jacket . I looked at his hands , one of them shook slightly as it held his can . I noticed his fingers and they looked worn and tired . His chin was saggy and covered in white hair . It looked like his skin would tear if he shaved it off . His eyes is what I remember most . They looked like they were full of what - ifs . I could not look at this man for long because I started to tear up as my mind filled with so many thoughts and emotions . I began to think about how it must have been to grow up in Lithuania 30 , 40 , 50 years ago . I thought about all the war and turmoil this county had seen . I thought about me being born in the middle of this man 's life . When life was really beginning for this man his country was under a tyrants rule . He may have even seen Germany be in power when he was a boy . He may have seen his family , friends , neighbors being dragged off to Siberia or other locations . He may have had no opportunities in life due to when and where he was born . The thoughts of his filled my heart with grief . I began to wonder how I was so blessed . My great grandparents went to the US with my grandmother when she was a small girl . I do not know why they went . They seemed to have all they needed in Mexico . They left . They raised their daughter there . She in turn married a Mexican man . They chose to have and raise their family in America . Many of my Uncles and cousins have served in the military . My own father served in the Navy . I then was born and raised in the US . I am so grateful for this . I think why me ? If my great grandparents had not made the choice to go to the US would I be in some small town ? Would I have married young and had no real opportunity for an education ? Would I be one of those many illegals trying to get into the States ? Would my life be a life of crime as a worker of the drug cartels ( they are known in the region where my grandfather is from ) ? I do not know . All I know is my life would not be what it is . I would not have the family that I have nor the opportunities I have and had because of where I was born . I wanted to sob when I was on the bus . If no one was there I would have . I was overwhelmed with the emotion of gratitude . I have lived a happy life full of blessings . I sometimes complain that I do not have XYZ thing here as I did when I was in the US . I was humbled today that many have nothing nor half of what I have . The most precious thing I have is my family . My children are my greatest joy . I am grateful that I have them . Even on days when I feel like I need a break I still know that I am so blessed . I have seen so many people who have no one . There are many old men and women in my neighborhood . Many of them are shocked when they see all my children . That they are all mine . I get asked when do I find time for myself . Or why I have so many . I have thought about this a lot . My children are not an accessory or part of my marriage package . They are my life . Once you decide to have one child the choice has been made to give up yourself for that child . The child needs you . In many ways you need the child . It is a beautiful bond that can not be experienced any other way . I am not perfect . I want time to myself . They get loud . I do have moments where I want to leave and go shopping by myself or go see a movie by myself . I go to the bathroom for a quiet moment even if I do not have to go . I do sometimes stay an extra 10 minutes in the shower because I cannot hear anyone cry . I am a normal person . I also have moments where I cannot stop hugging them . I go into their rooms at night to give them another hug or kiss while they sleep . I sometimes still go in to make sure they are breathing . I like to play games and build with them . I love my children . I really do . I want them to do more than I have done in this world . This is what my dad wants for me . I believe that is what his parents wanted for him . I am grateful for who I am . I am me because my dad was who he was / is . I have what I have because of all those who were before me . I am grateful for all the sacrifices of those who made my path easier and happier for me . Yesterday , was Erin 's first full day in Lithuania . We took her over to Kaunas reservoir . It is like an hour drive away . We rented a car , I mean bus , so we could all fit in one vehicle . We named it El Ongo Guapo ( the handsome mushroom ) . The thing is huge ! One of the down falls of this beast is that we cannot get it to reverse . More stories about this in a few . Today was a normal day here . It started out as a cleaning day . Yes , I clean . Today I had help . My dear friend Krista had a video of her son singing while he cleaned the bathroom . I thought James could do this . I had his dad help him , since it was his first time . He had two chores , clean the bathroom and his room . This took him all morning , but he did them . I was so happy . I was able to do a load of laundry , clean the living room , my room , clean the girl 's room , and put away laundry . My house was super clean and I only had to do half the work . Well a little bit more than half , but help is help . That makes me happy ! After we were lounging around . Ate some lunch , took showers , and the kids were playing . My dear neighbor comes up to tell me her grandson is sleeping . My kids were not making noise . Yeah , ok . SO my kids got confined to one room so she would not have a reason to come back up . They tried their hardest to stay in there and not move , but they are three kids . We decided , even though it was raining , that we would go to downtown . Adam wanted to see the archives place anyways and I needed to use McDonald 's Wifi . He went to his place and the kids and I shared some fries and ate some ice cream . What else to do on a rainy day ? Be creative . After we went looking for used bookstores . Adam is hunting for a book to complete his series he found . Books here , used ones , are pretty cheap . A few books that would have cost $ 45 or something were like 4 - 10 lt ( $ 1 . 53 - $ 3 . 84 ) . So yeah these are a good find . So when he says , " Can I get these ? " I must reply , " DUH ! " He did not find any , but the kids got two books for 6 lita ( $ 2 . 30 ) . They were happy . This one bookstore , that we frequent , has the cutest puppy . Every time he sees the kids he barks . He wants to eat Nora . She wants to pet him so bad , but he really wants to pounce her . I do not know why . He does not bark until we come . Last time the owner of the shop had to take the puppy home . It is kind of funny . He is a little golden lab or retriever thing . He is so small . I do not think he means harm . He just wants to chase and play with the kids , but a quiet coffee shop / bookstore , not a good idea . After that we got on a bus and came home . We were pretty tired . When you are tired what do you make for dinner ? PIZZA ! ! ! Thank you beautiful oven for making it . We enjoyed every bit . The kids went to bed really late tonight , but hopefully they will be ready for our full day tomorrow . What makes tomorrow a full day ? IKEA is OPENING ! ! ! You know I am going to the open house . Why ? Two words : Swedish meatballs . One more thing : free play area for my kids . I can dream in Ikea land . So I am going . Two bus rides will get me there and a short walk . Later tomorrow night we will be going to a baptism . It is at 7pm so I think we will be getting home really late . That is okay because the day after that we get to hang out with Erin ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Yeah we are excited . The kids are way excited ! ! ! They have been praying she would get here safely all week . Excited ! ! ! ! Saturday : It rained . I was willing to stay home and do nothing , but sleep or let the kids watch TV all day . Something inside me said , Don 't let the rain ruin their day ( referring to my kids ) . These snails were huge . The biggest I had ever seen . Later we made up a story about Giant Snail who lived in the forest of Pink and Purple Princess ' and Prince Frogolots castle . Bedtime stories are fun to tell . When I saw these snails it made me think of during the war why people ate snails . These guys were everywhere . I mean everywhere . We had to be careful not to squish them . My kids liked this one because it had a baby snail with it . Checking out the snails . They did this every two seconds . Elizabeth had to touch each one . She wanted to help them crossed the road and relocate each one . Nora followed her every move . They were so happy to be out and seeing nature . This made my sour mood become bright . I will say that it did not completely change my mood , but made it better . Than Sunday came . James got up and dressed himself . He was ready for church at 8 : 30 . Church does not start until 2 . We just hung around Sunday morning . We left for church around 12 : 45 . I was not sure how long it would take us to get to the bus , and how long it would take us to walk from the stop to the bus . The bus ended up coming at 1 : 15 . We had a bit of a wait . The kids were a little restless . Do not blame them . Once on the bus things were smooth sailing until I started to second guess if I was on the right bus , but I was . Phew ! We go to our stop . We have a choice to buy another ticket for a less than two minute ride or walk the mile or so to the church . I chose to walk . I wanted to save our money . It was hot . I did not bring our water bottles . The church did not have a water fountain once we got there , but they did have cups and filtered water , which was so good ! When we arrived at the church , Denis , greeted us . One of the girls that I served in her area , when I was on my mission , served in Lithuania . She got in contact with a member via FB . I was able to make contact with him . He is in the Russian Branch , but waited to be able to greet us . When I saw the church I wanted to cry . Cry for joy . Something that was familiar to me . I kept holding the tears back , but I knew I was at home and safe at church . Even if the language was not the same the Spirit was . The Elders translated for me , another American family , and an African man ( this is going to sound weird , but I was excited to see a black person . There are tons in GA , but at this point he was the first one I had seen . I saw my second one today in central town ) . My children for the most part did well . I only had to leave the sacrament room once . This is a huge success . Most of the time I am in and out or just out . They did not have a sunbeam or nursery leader . My kids doubled the nursery / sunbeam class . The mother 's of these children just stay and in the room while their children play and than decide if they will go to the last class , Relief Society , with their children . I did not feel to bad for this , at least this time , because there was a million toys . My kids have a very few because of the amount of weight we could have . They were in kid heaven . Nora stayed in there while I went to Relief Society to introduce myself to everyone . There are two girls who are teaching English for the summer . They are American . Almost everyone knows a little English . They were so sweet . One our way home we missed the bus . After a certain time it only comes every two hours . So we took another one that would not get us to our house , but close where we could catch another bus . This bus had the sister missionaries . It was nice to speak in English . There were these guys were using sigh language back and forth . One used his phone to type questions to the sisters . One asked if they were JWs . They said no and showed them the Book of Mormon . They wanted to see it . One of the guys got so involved in looking at it that the sisters could not get his attention to get it back before they left off the bus . So the book became his . He was really into it . Maybe he will read the whole thing ? We had to than walk a ways to get on the next bus . We found it and I was happy . We got home at 7 : 30 . Ate dinner and went to bed without baths . We were so tired . Today , I was planning on doing little school with my kids and going on a walk in the woods . We did like 10 minutes of school and they were done . I guess I better put more thought into it . We played at the park and went to look in a few of the goodwill type stores . There are like a million of those here . I really had no plans to do anything and than around 2 the kids asked if we could go to the park that was downtown . I did not want to go downtown with the kids alone , but the adventuress side of me said yes before grumpy me could say no . Off we went . We had a great time . We walked around and never found the park , but we did find some cool buildings . The kids were a little disappointed . I just means we will have to go back and look for it again . We did find a part of the city that is its own Republic . This was pretty neat to see . I want to take Adam here because he told me about it . I just found it by accident . I started a post a few days ago , but I was , too , tired to finish . This one will be short . I am tired once again . The kids were really excited to go to the baptism an 8 year old girl in our branch , Emma or Emos in Lithuanian . She is a sweet little girl . We left almost 2 hours early . They were biting at the bits to get there . I am glad we left early because apparently there are two buses that are labeled Bus 10 . Well Let me correct that statement . One of these goes to the church and the other goes somewhere else . Once I realized that we were going the wrong way . I tried to get off the bus , but the driver already started to go . I was at the door any everything trying to get out . That is the way it is . I am glad that I am resourceful and did not panic . We got off at the next stop . Waited for another bus to drive us back a stop to walk to the right bus . I just hoped the bus we had gotten on would go in the direction I had hoped . It did . It was a bit of a walk to the bus we needed . There the right bus drove by . On the weekends the bus is less frequent , but the 10 comes more often than most . The kids did get restless waiting . This is a small challenge only because there are three of them and one of me plus a busy road . For the most part the older two listened , but the smallest of them all has an agenda of her own . We finally got on the right bus . We made it to the church . I am always so happy to see the church . It is a home and a refuge to me . Even if I cannot understand anything , I can feel the Spirit . I guess that is why I am willing to take the long trip to go there . That is why I have gone the last two days . It is the closest as I can come to the temple . I know they are buildings of different purposes , but the Spirit is strong in both . Before the ceremony began I found Emma . I gave her a white flower and some hair ties . She loved her flower . I thought it was really sweet to see her smile . Her mom was touched as well . Her mother is the Relief Society President . She has been very helpful with the children . They are a handful . Side note : I bought these magnetic board cases at a store here . I got them thinking of a way to help my children stay quiet at church . I brought them with me today and they WORKED ! I love success . I loved seeing the love of the two people who gave talks . They were short and very much tailored to her . One of the speakers , the girl who got married yesterday , gave Emma a contract . I was this little yellow paper that said she was making a promise and a covenant today . She had Emma sign it and told her to keep it always as a reminder . It was a sweet gesture . I do not think that would go int he US , but it worked here . When Emma was baptized I felt a rush of the Spirit cover the room . It was a sweet , familiar , loving feeling . I know that our Spirit was present . I was so nice to witness it . The Elders are teaching a man with a baptismal date next weekend . He was there today . He seemed really touched and a bit excited for his own baptism . It is nice to see someone grow in the gospel . After the little girl 's baptism , the Russian branch had a baptism as well . It was a grown woman . I am not sure of the details . I did not stay for that one . The kids and I went to the grocery store next door and got some lunch . As we left the store I bus drove by , again . It was ok because now we had 15 minutes to eat . The only down fall was the sky was getting darker . We had no rain gear , except on umbrella , and I had my suede material shoes on . Luckily most of the rain hit while we were already on the bus . I just kept praying in my head the rain would not follow us as we switched bus and than walked up our hill . Guess what ? The rain stopped moments after we got off the bus . For the most part we stayed dry . We were a little wet . Nothing like we may have been . I like to think Heavenly Father was watching out for us . He has been and always will be . I know it . The rest of the day we just played , tried to relax , and Skyped with family . That was a great part of the day . I made us dinner . It was homemade Mac and cheese . The kids ate it . They even got seconds , but could not finish because they got so full . I am so proud I made something they like . We will be having that for lunch tomorrow . BTW , tomorrow we are planning on going to Rita 's and Rimante 's house . They are Adam 's cousins . Elizabeth is really excited to see Rimante . Elizabeth is almost beside herself . It is really cute how much she likes her . BTW , Bebe said she wants to go to Mak 's house to play . A few months ago I started preparing for our trip to Lithuania . I bought every warm thing possible . Snow boots , jackets , snow pants , gloves , hats , etc . I am a warm weather girl . Give me summer any day ! We have wood floors . A few days ago we tried having a dance party ( I play music and the kids dance , stomp , hip hop , spin , and do various forms of break dancing ) and it was so loud I thought the neighbor downstairs was going to call the police . The kids rocking out to 1D can get rowdy . It was raining and my coat can work as a raincoat . It is water repellent . I put it on and my fancy striped rain boots ( a special woman got me these for my birthday a few years ago ) , and off I went to the grocery store . I am trying to shop once a month and get the extras as needed ( milk , fruit , etc ) , we shall see how it goes . I needed to finish before Mr . Right went off an adventure . I do not want to brave the hill alone with the stroller and kids unless I am going to church . Seriously , that hill is a beast to climb . I quickly realized no one really wears rain boots or rain coats . No one really wears bazam PINK , either . I felt a little like Elle Woods ( Legally Blonde ) at Harvard . Her in her pink suit with her pink laptop . I already stick out with my dark hair , dark eyes , and dark skin . Everyone in the neighborhood will know that weird American family who has , too , many kids with the lady in her pink coat . People stare at us all the time . No one who is walking or riding the bus has a double stroller . Most people have one kid , MAYBE , two . I have seen two families with more than 2 kids . One had twins plus a kid and the other was like ours . I think it is because people with more than one kid have a car . By that point they decide a car might be an easier form of transportation . We are getting very good at getting off and on the bus . No one has been left behind . So far I have enjoyed it here . My cooking is getting better . I made , edible , from scratch french fries and hamburgers . Best part was EVERYONE ate all their food . I was surprised . James wanted more , but there were no leftovers . I owe it all to the internet ( Thank you , Al Gore * family joke ) and Imim ( store , I think that is how you spell it ) . This store is AMAZING ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! I say that because it is huge . No stores here are huge . The local grocery stores are the size of convenient stores . I bet the local QT is bigger than some of the local grocery stores . This store was at a mall called Panorama . I want to go back . I found spices of every kind , popcorn , tortillas , good muesli , sliced lunch meat , millions of breads ( gooooooood ) , cheap clothes , makers , and tons of fruits and veggie choices . I think I am in love with this place . It is the Costso of Vilnius ( more like Walmart , but in this city it is a Costco ) . I want to go back and see what they have . I will go with no children and buy everything . Here I was cutting meat ( it was frozen , I was thawing it , I have no microwave , enough said ) and the knife I was using was double bladed . It looked like a normal bread knife . When I use a knife I tend to put one finger on top of the back of the knife for support . The knife supported a slice into my finger . I was not happy . It hurt . Flesh wounds always hurt the worst . Boooo on double sided knives . I have the coolest kids and the best Heavenly Father ever . My husband is off for a few days . I started to cry when he left . How would you feel if he was your only source of communication ( other than google translate , this does not always work . I asked the lady at the craft store if she had any elastic and I think I asked if she had any condoms , yeah ? ! ? ) . So I was crying and my son woke up . He came over and asked what was wrong . I said I was sad . He told me he was the man of the house and he would help me . He gave me some hugs ( this is where Heavenly Father came in to work ) and than James began telling me jokes . Jokes he made up on the spot . Ones that make you laugh because you have nothing else to do . We had a good laugh . Then we went into the kitchen and had some juice and a cookie . We got to talking about making potions . He told me all about them . I asked him how he knew about that . He smiled and said , " It is all in my head . " That made me smile . I asked him about love potions and what they did . " If one person drinks it and than the other they fall in love . " So smart . I than told him about how his dad asked me to marry him and where we were married . His faced lite up as I told him all the details . It meant a lot for me to share with him . It made me love his dad even more . I still miss him , but my face is full of smiles . I am glad that my children can be my friends . Even when no one else is around that can talk to me they can . I can share important stuff about me with them . I would have never had this opportunity if I had not been willing to spend a few minutes to talk with him with no one else around . It is a memory I will always cherish . I hope he does , too . I am not alone . God shows me that all the time . I am glad to be reminded of it to . I get lost in the everyday that it is nice to slow down and just be sometimes . Live in the moment , own it , and love it .

Sharon jumped when the phone rang . She always developed a slight case of the creepy crawlies when she was alone after dark . Settling herself down , she reached for the receiver . " Yes ma ' am . We 've think we 've recovered some of your stolen property . But we 'd like you or your husband to come down to the station and make a positive identification . " " That 's great , " Sharon replied . " We can come down tomorrow if that 's all right . My husband won 't be home until late tonight . " " Ma ' am , we 'd sure appreciate that . You 'll need to come to the Claiborne station . The officer who recovered your property is still here filling out his report . It would help if you could get here before his shift ends in two hours . " " Sure , I 'll come down right now . I live on Poydras , so I should be there in about twenty minutes . After all , you found everything so quickly , it 's the least I can do , " Sharon answered . Sharon hung up the phone and quickly wrote a note to her husband Ron , telling him the good news . He was always so down on the police department . He thought they were as bad as the crooks they investigated . This would show him . She managed to make it through every one of the green lights until she reached the intersection at Elysian Fields . " Damn , " she said as the light turned bright red . Stopping her car , she glanced in her rearview mirror and noticed two men walking toward the passenger side of her car . Drumming the steering wheel nervously , she willed the light to turn green . Come on , she whispered impatiently . The men were closer now , perhaps thirty feet away . Don 't panic , Sharon . Abruptly , the men turned right and disappeared into a doorway just as the light turned green . She gave one more quick backward glance and gunned the accelerator . Looking forward , Sharon saw a figure suddenly appear in her headlights . She jammed on her brakes , but it was too late . The force of the impact caused the figure to roll up on the hood of her car , up to her windshield . When she stopped , the figure reversed its momentum , rolled back and fell to the ground . Taking his hand , she helped him get to his feet , relieved that he seemed unhurt . " I 'm so sorry I hit you . Do you need an ambulance ? " " You 're hurting me , " Sharon snapped . Please let go . " She tried to pry his hand loose but his grip slid up to her wrist , tightening even more . Afraid now , Sharon reached into her pocket and pulled out her pistol . " I have a gun . Let me go right now or I 'll shoot you . " " What ? ! " she exclaimed . Her nose was being assaulted by his smell , like a dead animal in the street . Fighting back fear , Sharon raised her gun and pointed it at his chest , just like Ron had taught her . " I mean it , " she threatened . She fired once , twice and then a third time . The man continued to stare at her , shaking his head in a slow motion arc . She hadn 't noticed his left arm rising . The blow struck her in the face , sending her crashing back against one of the parked cars . Police Lieutenant Charlie Dawes was not a happy man . He should have been . It was all because of that stupid car . Here he was , a Lieutenant with the New Orleans Police Department , a man proud of his hard work , happy with his wife , and still in damn good shape physically . Now , going down St . Charles Avenue , on his way to Octavia Street , he had a slight cramp in his left foot and no way to relieve it . In his old unit , he would at least have had some room to slip his shoe off and wiggle his foot . Finally reaching his destination , he parked at the curb and opened the door . Slowly , he uncoiled his rail thin frame from the offending compact car . Straightening up on the sidewalk , he looked back at the ridiculous vehicle . This was the result of the latest NOPD cost cutting measures . The senior officer standard car was now about half the size of the large LTD 's they previously drove . Although this one didn 't fit his 6 foot 3 inch frame at all , he was told that sacrifices had to be made by everyone to keep the city 's budget in line . " Yeah , right , " he said , to no one in particular . He turned and looked at the stately house , whose owner he had come to visit . The house was located on a side street off St . Charles Ave in the Garden District of New Orleans , a block away from the popular street car tracks and four blocks from both Tulane and Loyola Universities . The house had been built in the mid 1800 's and was immaculate , with none of the falling shingles or rotting fascia boards so common in the less fortunate parts of town . He knocked on the front door and waited for an answer . Sensing movement , he looked and saw the old woman 's head peeking through the glass windows at the side of the door . She smiled and opened the door , an act surprisingly quick considering her advanced years . " Yes sir , he 's out in the back yard , in the greenhouse . He 's been working out there all day . From the pounding and cursing , I think he 's rebuilding the plant tables the missus used to start her plants on , " Mildred answered . Charlie had known Mildred Moore for ten years and she had never yet called him Charlie . Over the years , it had developed into a pleasant contest of wills between them for her to change her ways . Charlie thought it wasn 't likely to happen though . Already in her late seventies , and Irish , she was undoubtedly more stubborn then he . Besides , her cooking was outstanding . Over the years , her Cajun and French cooking had made her a legend among housekeepers , at least on St . Charles Avenue . Lester was a man who definitely had an eye for talent in the kitchen . She led him through a large well - lit living room with four hanging ceiling fans . The evening was fast approaching and the light from outside was fading . They walked through the house and across the back porch to the greenhouse , a tall narrow structure that sat within a stone 's throw of the swimming pool . The light was on and sounds of hammering echoed out . As Charlie approached the greenhouse , he could see that the three men were hard at work . Lester , the tallest of the three , was busy giving instructions to the two other men . They were holding a large piece of plywood precariously on the sawhorse until Lester could nail it permanently in place . Every time Lester raised the hammer , the plywood would slip . All three men were sweating profusely . The greenhouse was at least twenty degrees hotter than the 60 degrees outside . Emilio and Hector tried to hold the wood in place , but it was no use . The two cousins had once built a whole house in Mexico City . They were not about to let one piece of plywood defeat them . " Senor Landeche , por favor , " Hector said . " Please , you and Emilio hold the wood . I do the hammer . " Once more , the wood was wrestled into place . As Hector brought the hammer down , the sawhorse broke . Lester Landeche stepped out of the greenhouse . " Charlie Dawes , how the hell are you ? Congratulations on your promotion , Lieutenant . " He gave a good - humored attempt at a salute . " I 'd shake hands , but let 's wait until I clean up . " He turned to the two men still inside the greenhouse and said , " Let 's finish it up tomorrow morning . I 'm tired of sweating and you two look worse than I do . " The two men didn 't argue , but grabbed their tools and left , nodding to the police lieutenant . Charlie watched them leave , thinking that maybe they didn 't want to get too close to the police . " You do vouch that these two have green cards , don 't you Lester ? " Charlie asked jokingly . " Those two have lived here for thirty years , Charlie . I think they 're originally from Houston . They didn 't draft you into the border patrol , did they ? " Lester asked . " Fix yourself a drink Charlie , the bar is open . And as long as you 're fixing , I 'd like a Jack on the rocks . I 'm going to clean up a bit or Mildred won 't let me sit at the table , " Lester said as he disappeared up the stairs . Charlie fixed two drinks and sunk down into the overstuffed leather couch . The sun was setting , sending a soft yellow glow through the oak trees on the front lawn . His thoughts drifted back to the day he 'd met Lester Landeche . That first day , in Air Force boot camp , Lester came into the squadron from somewhere in the Midwest , Pigsknuckle Iowa , or someplace that remote . He had a bad haircut and actually wore a farmer 's straw hat . Charlie figured he was just another hayseed , drafted off the farm and dragged in to the service . They got along all right , but he didn 't think much more about Lester until the night five white recruits jumped him behind the barracks . He had put up a good fight , but there were too many . He had taken care of two of them , but the three still standing were about to use Charlie as a punching bag . That 's when Lester charged in , swinging a piece of railing that he 'd broken off the barracks porch steps . The three men quickly scattered and ran , two of them with broken ribs . He then reached down and helped Charlie stand up . " That 's the fastest I ever seen a white man run . You looked like you were running the fifty - yard dash . Thanks , man , " Charlie said . From that time on , the two men had been friends . They 're first duty station was in the Philippines as Air Police . Military police duty wasn 't the same as civilian policing . Most of the time you had to watch your back because the others were trying to stick it to you to move up in rank . Seven of the initial fifteen men in their squad had been court marshaled for one reason or another . The majority were legitimate beefs , such as theft or shakedowns . But , Charlie had learned early on to be careful whom he trusted . Lester ( Dash , as he was known then ) and Charlie were partners . They knew that they could depend only on each other ( and did so ) the whole time they were stationed in the Philippines and through their tour in Viet Nam . After their enlistment was up , they both left the service . That 's when Lester moved to New Orleans . He stayed at Charlie 's mother 's place for a few months and then started out installing burglar alarms . Now , he owned one of the finest houses in the city and , up until a few months ago , was president of one of the largest security firms in the state of Louisiana . Charlie joined the New Orleans Police Department beginning as a foot cop in the Gentilly area of the city . He 'd moved his way up through the ranks resulting in his last promotion as a detective Lieutenant . He hadn 't made the money Lester had , but up until a few years ago , he 'd been happy doing what he enjoyed most , working with people . Lester came back into the living room and joined Charlie on the couch . The sun was barely visible now behind the trunk of the Oak tree and cars were turning on their lights . In the distance , they could hear the animals from the Audubon Zoo two blocks away . The lions were roaring and the elephants trumpeting . " It 's feeding time . They 're always loudest at dusk and dawn . It 's still sort of strange at times , to wake up and hear lions roaring . I almost forget where I am , laying safe in my bed . When there 's fog in the morning , the sound carries farther and they almost sound like they might be in the next room , " Lester said , sipping his whiskey . " What 's it been , a few months , Charlie ? I 'm glad to see you . I haven 't been out much . Since Sally died , and since I left the company , I sort of just crawled into a hole . I just now started fixing up the greenhouse . It was Sally 's favorite way to pass the time . She used to grow all her prize - winning flowers and plants in there . " " The last time I was here was six months ago , at the funeral . You 're losing track of time , boy . I decided that you spent enough time in that black hole . With Mildred here to take care of you , I know you 're eating good . But , to be honest about it , I 've got another reason , " Charlie said quietly reflecting on the darkening scene in front of them . Lester took a taste of his drink . " Oh , you 'll enjoy this one . I was forced out by Tony . You remember my son , don 't you ? When Sally died , she left her shares of the stock to both of our sons , Tony and your namesake Charles . Tony bought Charles ' stock and , along with some of the other investors , took over the company . They had 51 % and voted to retire me as the president . Then , they made Tony the new president . " " Damn , forced out by your own son . Why did he do that ? Charlie asked . " Atel is one of the biggest security outfits in New Orleans . " " Oh , he was kind enough to offer me the honorary position of Chairman of the Board , but I declined . It seems since the company went public , it wasn 't increasing fast enough in value to suit him . Tony always said it was because we specialized in security systems for the little guy . His point is that the same little guy who built the business has no money . So they 've decided to address the bigger , more lucrative , markets like banks and those pricey stores , " Lester replied . " Oh yeah , at first . But , I guess we sort of reconciled . After all , I only have Tony and Charles left now . Charles is in Europe someplace , probably spending his inheritance . That only leaves Tony . So , why stay mad at him ? I paid for him to go five years to Tulane to become an accountant . He 's just doing what he thinks best . What the hell , anyway , " Lester replied , again sipping his drink . After a few minutes time , Charlie cleared his throat . " Dash , I 've got a problem and I need your help . I came to ask you for a favor . The department 's in a bad spot and I need someone to make a few discreet inquiries for me . Maybe we can help each other . You really need something to work on to get your mind off Sally and I need to produce some results , " Charlie said still staring at the darkened street . " I don 't know what I can do Charlie . I 'm not a cop . At least , not since our Air Force days . They were some good times though , weren 't they ? " " They sucked and we both know it , Dash . No money at all , not to mention the baboons we had to work for . We both hated every minute of the last two years . " " Can we get back to our conversation now ? " Charlie asked . He could tell that Dash was distracted , mentally retired , with no sense of urgency any more . But , he knew that state wouldn 't last forever . Dash was almost frantic when he was interested in something and it was Charlie 's goal to interest him . " Well , it won 't be zero . I can cover your expenses . You 'll be an NOPD consultant , but with no legal powers . However , you will have the full cooperation of the department . We will listen to you , I promise . " Charlie was trying to interest Lester without coming on too strong . " Ok , I guess I might be open to helping you with whatever I can . But , how can I help the NOPD ? I 'm not a cop , or a private detective . I can 't even provide muscle . And I 'm not in very good shape anymore . " " Yeah , I noticed that part . " Charlie was grinning a little now . " I guess it 's getting time to come up with another nickname for you . How about Molassass ? " " I don 't think that would be acceptable . Besides , I can still move quick enough to save your ass . That is , if I 'm still inclined to do that . " Although Dash 's reply was skeptical , Charlie could tell that he had gotten his attention . It had to be the first new proposition he 'd had in the last few months . " I 'll explain exactly how you can help me . There 's a case I 'm working on that involves a missing woman and the woman 's husband . His name is Ron Muir . Ron 's wife Sharon has been missing for a little more than a month , " Charlie continued . " Muir , isn 't that the photographer who 's got a studio in off Poydras ? " Dash asked . " I see his sign when I go downtown . " " Yeah , he 's a photographer . His wife was the receptionist . One day last month she went to deliver some prints and vanished , " Charlie responded . " The answer is no to both questions . The customer receiving the prints was NOPD . The photos were taken when they had a problem in a local cemetery . We can 't find any trace of her after she left the Muir studio , " Charlie answered . " That 's what I need help with . The department looks at Muir as the prime suspect in the disappearance . They both had large insurance policies naming each other as the beneficiary . He may have decided to collect early on the claim . I don 't think so , but I 'm in the minority . We have absolutely no evidence . Muir is telling a strange story and just stays holed up in his studio . He 'll only talk to me . When I go over there , he keeps telling me they 're out to get him , now that his wife 's dead . " " I don 't really know . It seems that he , his wife , and some of their friends were mixed up in an attempted robbery at St . Moritz cemetery . Since then , his wife and two of the friends have disappeared , with no trace , " Charlie replied . " It was some local punk that tried to rob them . But , he was killed under suspicious circumstances . I have the report in the car . I need another pair of eyes that I can trust to look at this without preconceptions . There 's a little more to the story than I 've told you . But , I think if his wife doesn 't turn up , Ron 'll get railroaded into a murder rap . I sort of like the guy . Besides , I just don 't believe he did it . From all accounts , he was devoted to the woman . " " I want you to meet Muir and see what you think about his story . It definitely sounds like a load of shit , but I really think he believes it . Then , there 's the other disappearances . I didn 't mention that the police officer that took the call at the cemetery is also missing . His name is Mahue . A week ago , his squad car was found stopped in the middle of a deserted intersection , lights flashing and the driver 's door open . He was working the night shift , so there were no witnesses . We searched all over the area , but there was no sign of him , just what looked like a bucket of blood all over the front seat . You 'd swear that an animal , or something , slit his throat and just drug him out of the car , " Charlie continued . " I heard about that . In the paper , they 're saying that he may have gotten mixed up in something messy and his marker got called in , " Dash replied . He was thinking that maybe this mess was a little more than he needed right now . " He 's an honest cop . He 'd been suspended for two weeks last year following a shooting . But , he was cleared and put back on the street . I talked to the other officers in the department and they didn 't know of anything he was doing that seemed out of line . I 'd like to think that they told me the truth . I have no idea if his disappearance is related or not , but , he was involved in Muir 's case , " Charlie answered . Dash leaned back on the couch and looked out of the front picture windows . The lawn was totally dark now with the street lights as the only illumination . Several cars passed by , followed by a slow moving police cruiser . Dash noticed that the first car slowed as it drove by Charlie 's car . It stopped two houses down , turned , and drove back past the house . Both men watched from the room as the patrol car passed and stopped within a few yards of the unmarked car . It turned off the lights and the two officers sat in the darkness , facing away from the house . " No , they probably recognized the car and want to know if there 's anything happening . I 'm not in trouble with the department , if that 's what you mean . Well , what do you say , will you help me ? " " This is some can of worms you got here . But , it just so happens that you caught me between jobs right now . So , if you can tell me what you expect , I 'll give it my best try . Just remember , you 're hiring a fifty year old fat man , not some trim young scrapper . My best moves probably left a long time ago . In fact , I think they left before I ever used them , " Dash said light - heartedly . " No , they probably recognized the car and want to know if there 's anything happening . I 'm not in trouble with the department , if that 's what you mean . Well , what do you say , will you help me ? " " This is some can of worms you got here . But , it just so happens that you caught me between jobs right now . So , if you can tell me what you expect , I 'll give it my best try . Just remember , you 're hiring a fifty year old fat man , not some trim young scrapper . My best moves probably left a long time ago . In fact , I think they left before I ever used them , " Dash said light - heartedly . " Make it in the afternoon . I have to finish the greenhouse benches in the morning . After lunch , it 's too hot to work in there . Say about two o ' clock , tomorrow afternoon . Is his studio the one on Poydras ? " " That 's the one . The whole building is surrounded by a wrought iron fence . He has an apartment above the studio . I 'll meet you there at two . Don 't knock or walk up to the front door . He 's jumpy and if he sees a stranger he might vapor lock or something . I 'll phone him right now and tell him to expect us , " Charlie replied producing a small cellular phone . He dialed the number , waited for a few rings , hung up and redialed the number . A voice answered and Charlie seemed satisfied that it was Muir . " I want to stop by tomorrow afternoon and have you meet a good friend of mine . I 've asked him to help me with your problem . No , no , he 's not a cop . NOPD has him on their payroll as a consultant . What , does he look like ? He 's about six foot tall , sandy blond hair , and a little paunchy . Yeah , he 's fifty with a tanned , sort of craggy face . No , I 'll be with him , so don 't open the door to anyone until you see me , Ok ? " The man 's answer seemed to satisfy Charlie and he hung up . " Oh that 's easy . I have two reasons , " Charlie grinned . " The first is that my supply of funds is really small and I need a guy who 'll work cheap . " He became more serious now . " The second , and real , reason is that you just lost Sally . I know it might be cold of me , but I thought you might be able to relate to him . After all , it looks like his wife Sharon is probably not coming back . " " I 'm cheap and vulnerable . Well , that 's two great qualifications . Speaking of wives , how are you and Rita getting along ? " Dash asked . " Oh , you know how that goes . She gets tired of being a cop 's wife , wishes I 'd get a normal job . But , we 're hanging in there , " Charlie replied . " I 'm sorry , I didn 't know . The last time we were out together , I mean Sally and me with you two , we had a fine time , remember ? You seemed to be getting along pretty well , " Dash 's smile slowly faded as he thought of Sally . " I 've got to be getting out of here , Dash . Tomorrow starts around six any more and doesn 't end until , " Charlie looked at his watch , " ten o ' clock these days . I want to thank you for helping me out , " Charlie said as he glanced out at the parked patrol car . The two friends walked out to Charlie 's car . After retrieving the case file from the trunk of his car and handing it to Lester , they shook hands . " It 's gonna be good working with you again . It 's been too long . " As Charlie rolled himself up and squeezed into the toymobile , Lester couldn 't help himself . " By the way , don 't be putting in a requisition for me for one of these things . I like to drive my car , not wear it . " Poydras traffic was heavy the next day as Lester drove to Muir 's studio . He found one of New Orleans cheaper parking lots , walked six blocks and waited for Charlie Dawes to show up . He was ten minutes early for two reasons . The first was that it was his nature to be early . The second was that he wanted to look around the outside of the studio by himself . The Muir studio was built in the 1800 's during one of New Orleans boom to bust cycles . Its original occupant was a ship 's store . The building , typical of many in the Central Business District , was three stories high . Any part that wasn 't covered by red brick was badly in need of paint . The Central Business District , or CBD as the locals call it , is full of such buildings . Many of the once grand structures had spent years sinking into abandonment and decay . In the late 1980 's , shrewd developers discovered that these old relics were really gold mines in disguise . By gutting the buildings and shoring up the leaning walls , an army of upscale people could be convinced to pay big money for the privilege of residing , or doing business , in an area of town that they had spent the last ten years avoiding like the plague . Law offices , restaurants , and luxury apartments had begun to spring up amid the grime , breathing new life into the CBD . One of the improvements made recently to Muir 's studio was the installation of a six foot wrought iron fence that surrounded the building on three sides . The fence was topped by spear tips , with a heavy wrought iron locking gate being the only apparent entrance to the studio . On the fourth side , an abandoned garage with an ancient " For Sale " sign butted up against the side of the studio . The studio had balconies on both the second and third floor . The second floor balcony looked as if it had been recently rebuilt , but the balcony on the third floor didn 't appear very sturdy . The supports below the flooring were attached to rotten wood , causing it to sag slightly . Lester tried the handle on the fence gate and found it locked . He looked up at the darkened windows and could see no one . The studio was now in the shade of several taller buildings but he could see no lights in any of the windows . He wondered if Muir was home . As he walked around to the back of the building , he saw an alley dotted with dumpsters and several abandoned , wrecked cars , presumably belonging to the now defunct garage . Again , no lights were visible . He noticed that the two balconies continued only partially across the back of the building leaving a gap of about fifteen feet . The old balconies had either fallen in or were in the process of being repaired . Since there were no signs of building or repair equipment , he suspected that they had fallen and been hauled off . The fence was obviously designed to keep out unwelcome visitors . But , Lester noticed that by climbing a fire escape on the back of the deserted garage , a person could easily reach over and climb onto the neighboring second floor balcony . A simple rope with a rock could be used to pull down the sliding fire escape ladder . His years as a security specialist had taught him to notice things like this . The question was , did Muir think that this was a problem , or did he leave the access route in case of fire ? There were no fire escapes from the studio . Maybe there was a rope ladder on the roof or inside the building . Lester mentally noted the discrepancy and walked back to the front gate . Charlie was right on time . He parked in a no parking zone and placed an NOPD sign on his dashboard . This helped repel the eager meter maids that the city employed to squeeze extra money out of the unwary . Looking around , he spotted Lester and smiled as he walked over to him . " You beat me here . " " About six blocks away . By the way , is Muir at the studio ? " Lester asked . " There 's no light on and the door 's locked . " " He 's home , all right . I talked to him on the cell phone as I was driving over here . He saw you standing in front and OK 'd the meeting , " Charlie answered . " You mean you had me drive all the way down here and he still hadn 't said he 'd meet us ? Why did he agree ? " Charlie asked , a little put out . " It was your white , Anglo - Saxon face , plus the fact that he 's never seen you before hanging around this part of town . He said you looked out of place . It 's his rules , Dash . So the guy 's a little psychotic , wouldn 't you be ? " The gate made a metallic click and swung open . As the two men walked inside to the front door , the gate quietly swung shut behind them . The front door was open and , as Lester walked inside , he noticed that it , too , had an electric lock . The studio was large , covering most of the first floor . It was easy to tell that the first floor studio was designed to appeal to Muir 's customers . Hanging on every wall were either customer portraits or street scenes of New Orleans . In almost all of the street scenes , people were playing instruments or laughing at the antics of street clowns . Looking at the photos , Lester noticed an attractive blond woman , about thirty , recurring in the street scenes . He guessed that this was probably Sharon Muir . " Is this Sharon , Charlie ? " " It 's not what you see Dash , it 's what you know has to be there , " Charlie said laughingly . He pushed against one of the panels covered by the street scenes . It swiveled , revealing a staircase leading up into the darkness . They reached the second floor and continued up , toward the third . A light to their right turned on and the room became visible . " I wanted to make sure that only two people came through that door , Charlie . Sorry for the poor greeting , " Ron Muir said , quietly . The room was about 10 by 12 feet , with blankets hung over the windows . Lester noted that the windows and the room were at the back of the house , on the third floor . Muir was sitting behind a large , old oak desk , with his back to the blanketed windows . To his right was a double barreled shotgun and in front of him , on the desk , were two automatic pistols . Also by his right hand was a bottle of Jack Daniels and a glass with ice . Muir was a man in his mid - thirties , with light wavy hair , a tanned face , and at least a weeks growth of beard . Lester noticed that part of his beard was turning gray . His eyes were dark , but in the limited light of the room , Lester couldn 't tell if they were brown or gray . He looked to be about five feet nine or ten , with a gaunt look . He hasn 't eaten in days , thought Lester , and , from the smell of the place , he hasn 't bathed since the last time he ate . " Ron , I 'd like you to meet a very good friend of mine , Lester Landeche . Dash and I go all the way back to Nam together . I 'd trust him with my life , " Charlie said convincingly . " Mr . Landeche , would you and Charlie please have a seat ? Since this trouble started , I 've given up shaking hands . I hope you don 't mind , " Ron said apologetically . " I guess that 's understandable , given the circumstances , " Lester answered as he took his chair . He noted that he and Charlie were sitting about six feet away from Ron . If either of them tried to make a move , Ron would have ample time to pick up either of his two guns and fire . It was a sobering thought . But then , he might do the same thing given the man 's obvious state of mind . " Charlie said that NOPD has hired you to look into my case , Mister Landeche . Does that mean that the official department position is that my wife 's case is on the back burner ? " Ron asked very quietly . " No , Ron . I hired Dash to give your case the attention it needs . I don 't want it to become just another statistic on the department 's books . Dash is a good man and he won 't be carrying any baggage into this case . He hasn 't formed any opinions that might be clouded by other people in the police department . That 's all there is to it . Officially , your wife is still listed as a missing person and the investigation into her case is still on - going , " Charlie responded quickly . " Altogether , there have been four disappearances . My wife was the first one . Our friends Brenda and James Masson were next , and Officer Stanley Mahue was the last one . My wife disappeared five weeks ago . Brenda and Jim vanished from their own home three weeks ago . Officer Mahue was snatched right from his patrol car last week , " Ron continued . " What you mean is that the official NOPD position is presumed missing , but not confirmed . You might tell that to Detective Sergeant Rafferty . He 's been here four times this week and now he 's got a tap on my phone . Rafferty obviously believes that I killed my wife . I don 't know if he suspects me in the other disappearances , or not . Am I right , Charlie ? " Ron asked . " He 's one of the detectives on the case . He doesn 't report to me . We have a pool of people that take the different cases and see if anyone has missed any points , " Charlie answered . " Tapping your phone is standard policy , in case of a ransom call , Ron . I think you 're misreading Rafferty . He 's as anxious to find Sharon as we are , " Charlie diplomatically ducked the question . " I 'm just what Charlie said , a third party who 's been hired to help you . My role is not to prove you innocent or guilty , only to help NOPD find out what is or is not the truth . I have nothing to gain in the outcome , either way . Charlie and I are old friends and he seems to think that I can cajole you , or maybe trick you , into revealing some deep dark secret . As I see it , I 'm walking in here completely unbiased , " Lester said convincingly . " Fair enough , I believe you . Why don 't you two have a drink ? " Ron asked . He pushed the bottle of Jack Daniels towards the two men . " I can , though . They don 't pay me enough to buy my own , " Lester said , accepting the bottle and pouring himself three fingers on top of the ice . Lester wondered where Ron got the ice and , for that matter , the whiskey . There were no appliances or even storage cabinets that he 'd seen so far . " If it 's all right with you , Ron , I 'm going to leave and check up on some leads . I 'd advise you to make the most of this privacy and tell Dash everything you know , OK ? You can trust him completely . " Charlie made his way to the door . " Why don 't we just start at the beginning . Charlie only told me enough to understand the problem . " Lester didn 't mention that he 'd read the NOPD case file that Charlie had given him the night before . " Well , this all started two months ago . It was early October and we had friends over . Brenda and Jim Masson , who I mentioned earlier , had only just moved into town from Florida . Two more people , Susan and Bill Nadel had come from the Midwest , to visit the four of us . Jim , Bill and I had gone to college together in New Jersey . We always stayed in touch , even after we all got married . I think Bill and Susan have been married for five years , Sharon and I for twelve and Brenda and Jim for about ten years . Anyway , the six of us decided to see the town . Since we lived here the longest , we were nominated as tour guides , " Ron recounted . " I know the feeling . It 's going to be my first year without my wife Sally . At least Sharon may still be alive , " Lester replied . " Six months . She died from injuries in an automobile accident in April . She was driving up to see her parents and was involved in a big pile - up , north of Baton Rouge . She didn 't even live long enough for me to get to her , " Lester replied . " Yes it was one of those days in your memory that everything was perfect . The temperature was in the low seventies , the day was bright and sunny and we were with people we really enjoyed . It could have a memory I 'd treasure as long as I live , but . . " Ron continued . " Not this tape . We had two cameras with us . This tape was taken on my camera . Bill also had a camera and the police confiscated his tape . I haven 't seen it since . I didn 't tell them about this tape , " Ron answered . Ron motioned Lester to follow him into the adjoining room . The door to the room was hidden behind a blanket . This new room was much like the other one , only a different color set of blankets covered the windows . A TV and VCR stood in the corner . Ron pulled a video tape out of a drawer in the TV stand . He read the label and then slipped it into the VCR . Everything Ron did was accomplished with a slow precision . Lester thought he must be on some type of antidepressant drug . But , he didn 't know the man well enough to ask about medication , legal or illegal , just yet . Ron pointed out each of the people by name . All three couples were in their thirties . Susan and Bill were easy to spot , being the only pasty white couple . Brenda and Jim were tanned and used to the outdoors . As each scene changed , Ron described where they were , as if Lester was from out of town . Lester didn 't ask questions or make comments . He was listening to the description and watching each of the people . There was no indication of any problem , just six people having a good time . Then the scene switched to a more somber setting . They had become part of a cemetery tour . The video followed a guide showing the tomb of Marie Laveau and other various luminaries of the Saint Louis Cemetery . After fifteen minutes of following the tour guide through the cemetery , Brenda asked him which cemetery in town was the most haunted . She giggled after the question . But the guide , a short squat black man , looked at her and quietly said the words " St . Moritz " . Jim , or maybe it was Bill , asked why he thought the St . Moritz was the most haunted . The guide tried to dodge the question , appearing to Lester as if he regretted giving out the information . After being pressed , he said that there was a strong Voodoo cult in New Orleans and that cemetery held the body of a man who came before Marie Laveau . He didn 't elaborate further . In a few minutes , the tape stopped and then restarted , with the three couples exiting a taxi and walking through the gates of the St . Moritz cemetery . New Orleans has many cemeteries within its city limits . The majority of them are near City Park and attract tourists . The St . Moritz is in the same general area , only east of Canal and about a mile from City Park . Although he had never been there , Lester could see from the video that this cemetery wasn 't a tourist mecca . The first clue was the locked front gate and the No - Trespassers signs . This apparently didn 't phase the six as the film again stopped and restarted , this time showing them all inside the cemetery . " Off to one side , the walls are decaying and the bricks form a natural stair way up and over . We were stupid , but being half drunk , it seemed like a good idea at the time . This is the part where the trip turns sour for us , " Ron replied darkly . The three couples meandered among the mausoleums and read some of the names and dates of death . Of the dates shown , all were in either the 1700 or 1800 's , the most recent being 1875 . Lester thought it was strange that he had never heard of the St . Moritz cemetery being such an historic spot . In fact , he had never heard of it at all . When the six people stopped to view a particularly impressive mausoleum , a voice could be clearly heard telling them to " Give it up . " A young black man could be seen holding a pistol . One of the male victims spoke and asked what he wanted . He replied " I wan ya money and ya jewelry . " The bandit had not noticed the camera or it would have been on his gimme list as well . The video showed the men reaching in their pockets . For a minute , the lens was blocked as Sharon slid the camera behind her to avoid it being seen . After she reached into her purse , she positioned the camera between her purse and side . You could see the young man holding out his hat as the six people put their belongings into it . The kid looked at one of the men and said . " Do ya think I 'm stupid ? Gimme that watch . " He indicated a watch on one of the men just outside of the camera 's range . " Who held out on the watch , Ron ? " " That was Bill , he had on a Rolex . Susan had just given it to him for their anniversary . They 're pretty well off financially , but he wasn 't going to give that watch up without a fight . You 'll see in the next scene . " The young man moved closer to the crowd gesturing with his gun . You could see a watch being dropped into the hat . The young man scooped it up and put it on his arm . It was too large and hung down from his wrist , even with the clasp closed . " This ain 't one of them damn fakes , it is man ? If it is , I 'll shoot all of you right here and now . Maybe I need to search the ladies a little more . " He started to move towards the camera when a foot came out of nowhere , hitting him in the stomach . He flew backwards towards the doors of the large marble mausoleum . As the baseball hat full of money and jewelry flew out of his hand , a gunshot could be heard on the tape . Two of the male victims jumped him at that point with the fight occurring out of the view of the camera . The sounds of cursing and punching were audible , but the camera was pointed away from the action . " Bill and I . Bill was the first to kick him and I grabbed his gun hand . He fired once in the air . But , once I got up close I could see it was a starter 's pistol , loaded with blanks . Bill punched him a couple times and shoved him up against the doors of the tomb . The doors just sort of opened and he fell inside . I started to go after him , but he kicked them shut . " The camera focused again on the tomb and Ron was pushing against the doors , trying to reopen them . The gun could be heard firing again and again . A loud scream came from inside the tomb . Then , silence . Ron paused the tape . " Brenda had a cell phone . She dialed 911 to get the police out there . I told them the kid only had a blank pistol so he wasn 't going to shoot anybody . Finally , after about five minutes , Bill and I forced open the mausoleum 's doors and found a pool of what looked like water against one wall . You can 't see it too well on the tape . There was a large coffin on one wall . So , we figured he had to be hiding in the casket . As you will see on the tape , though , he wasn 't in there . The tomb was empty , " Ron said . The scene now changed , with the camera scanning the inside of the tomb . Bill walked over and opened up the heavy casket lid . Someone else took the camera and focused it inside the casket . The only thing inside was a jumble of whitened bones . The camera scanned the remainder of the tomb , but no one was there . The scene then changed from dark to light as they walked back outside . Two police officers were now walking up to the scene . " That 's him . I don 't what 's become of Robinson . Once they listed me as a suspect , I lost track of the players , " Ron answered . " Ok now , let me get this straight . There are two tapes . The police have one that you don 't have a copy of . But , they don 't know about this one ? Even Charlie doesn 't know about this tape ? " Lester asked . " Take this one . I made three copies and gave one to the other two couples . This copy was the one I made for us , Sharon and I , " Ron answered . " I don 't have any idea . What we thought was water on the back wall of the tomb was fresh blood . The cops tried to push and prod every wall and floor stone , but they couldn 't find any other way in or out , " Ron answered . " Everybody , but Bill . He lost his gold Rolex . The kid put it on his wrist before he went in the tomb . It hasn 't been seen since , " Ron answered . " It was engraved with some verse saying that the wearer would have health and happiness forever . And it was signed " Love Susan " . I didn 't spend much time reading the inscription , " Ron answered . " He 's a petroleum engineer . He works all over the world setting up oil wells and refineries . He and Susan are in Pakistan right now , planning a new refinery . " " I didn 't see any more of him in your film . What did he do when you told him that you went inside the mausoleum ? " Lester asked . " He got really spooked . He told Mahue that he 'd call for backup and wait for them back at the car . Mahue asked him why , but I didn 't hear his answer . So , Mahue just shrugged and walked back to us . The last I saw of Robinson was him going back to their patrol car , " Ron replied . " We were all taken down to the police station , on Tulane . A couple of detectives questioned us , one at a time . I think it was after eight that night before we got back home . The experience had spoiled the day , so we didn 't even eat supper . We spent the next day talking and reminiscing . I guess that day spoiled Bill and Susan 's trip so they flew back home on Monday . They had to get ready for their trip to Asia . Jim and Brenda , and Sharon and I had dinner the next night and that was the last time I ever saw them . I don 't mean Sharon , of course . It was three weeks later when she disappeared , " Ron said . " I was busy all day doing portraits , plus I had a wedding party to shoot . It was on a Saturday . Sharon had found a roll of film that we 'd shot in the cemetery . She developed it and called the police to tell them that several pictures of the kid who tried to rob us were in the photos . I think the roll was taken by Brenda . But , she never picked the camera back up . Any way , they asked her to drop the prints off at the station . She told me about this when I called in from the wedding party . I 'd stayed over to shoot a few more prints and have a couple of glasses to toast the lucky couple . I wish to God now that I 'd come straight home . She 'd still be here , " Ron said . His voice was choked . " You don 't know that . Stop torturing yourself . What happened after she talked to you ? " Lester asked . Ron seemed to come and go from reality . His voice would wander off and he 'd stare into space . " I told her I 'd drop them off on Sunday . But , she said no . They wanted them right away and for her to bring them down . I hated for her to go out after dark but it 's only three miles from here to the station , so I figured she 'd be fine , " Ron said . " When I got home , I couldn 't find her . So , I went down to the police station and complained that they had no right to keep my wife down there so late . They didn 't know what the hell I was talking about . I talked to the two detectives who were assigned to the case . But , they said they hadn 't heard from Sharon . " Ron was angry . " I came back home to wait for her . I never saw or heard from her again . They found our car trashed near Almonaster Boulevard . That 's not a part of town that she would ever drive to , especially not alone or after dark . There was no blood , no engine , no seats and no trace of Sharon , only a burned out shell of a car . Since then , I 've been waiting for ransom calls or notes , something … . But , no calls or notes have ever come in . " What ? Oh , you mean the prints . No , nobody knew anything about the prints or even saw her . They told me they 'd have to wait for her to be missing for twenty - four hours before they could start to look for her . " From Ron 's story , the police department hadn 't done anything to help this man yet . " Yeah , the first call was to the duty number . The duty officer acknowledged that he posted a message in the squad room from Sharon . He remembers that the note said something about photographs . That 's all he remembered . The next phone call into the house was from a pay phone in the Greyhound bus terminal . That was it , " Ron replied . So , she calls the police and says she has some evidence . Someone from the bus terminal calls her back . Then she goes out and bang , she 's gone . It sounds like someone didn 't want those photos to fall into police hands . Lester kept these thoughts to himself . " I was taken down to the police station and grilled by Sergeant Rafferty . He as much as said that I killed Sharon and dumped the body . Then he said it would turn up and I 'd be on death row in Angola . He kept me there for five hours , until I called my lawyer . Once he got there and threatened a lawsuit , they let me go . Since then , I 've had my phone tapped and there 's someone watching the studio , " Ron answered . The two men walked back to Muir 's office . " Why do you think the phone 's tapped , or you 're being watched ? " Lester asked . " That 's a phone that detects wiretaps . It 's showing my phone is tapped when there 's a red light . Look , I 'm not stupid . They believe I killed Sharon , but they don 't have any evidence . For all I know , you 're carrying a tape recorder and this whole session is being recorded , " Ron said accusingly . " Take it easy Ron , I understand your paranoia . But , as Charlie said , I 'm here to help you , not to pin a murder rap on you . The red light explains the phone tap , but why do you think you 're being watched ? " Lester asked . " Turn off the lights and look out of the windows . You 'll see at least one , maybe two , men standing around on a phone or sitting in a car across the street . I 've even seen people watching the studio from the bank building across the street , " Ron answered defiantly . Lester did as Ron requested . Going back to the TV room , he looked out the front and side windows but didn 't see anything too unusual . He only spotted one car that looked as if it might be out of place . But , from the third floor , he couldn 't see if there was anyone in the car or not . " Is it a tan Ford with Mississippi plates ? After dark , they 'll move closer . There 'll be two men in it , one of them with binoculars , the other a camera with a zoom lens . What 's next , Mr . Landeche ? Are they going to arrest me , or just let me sit here and drink myself to death ? " Ron asked . " That 's the same car , Ron . Here 's a cell phone and this my number . " Lester handed Ron a small portable phone and a business card . " Listen , you must only call me on this phone . I guarantee it 's not tapped . If you trust me , please listen . I 'm going to talk to some of the detectives that have been on this case , especially this Rafferty . " " It isn 't going to do you any good . He 's no closer to finding Sharon than I am . All he wants to do is prove I killed her . What will that accomplish . I didn 't kill her and I can 't get anyone to believe me ? " Ron was on the verge of tears . Lester figured he wouldn 't get much more information from Ron Muir that night . He was pretty much drained . Besides , it was time to start asking questions of Rafferty , to see what he was really after . Lester left Ron sitting at his desk staring at blanketed windows , his guns and whiskey both within easy reach . There wasn 't anything he could say to ease the man 's pain . But , he could try to find out what happened at the graveyard and why Sharon disappeared . As he walked through the gate and down the street , he heard the click of the electric lock . Neither the surveillance nor the phone tap was entered in the case file that Charlie had given him last night . Either the file hadn 't been updated or somebody was hiding something . He decided it was time to have another little talk with Charlie .

Every time I begin to write today . . . it seems my words begin to talk about . . . Tommy . I wonder ' why ' ? He would have been 43 years old on November 20th . . . and this is the third Thanksgiving he isn 't . . . here . I know I 'm thinking about him . . . though , my mind is thinking about other things . I 'm glad I 'm not crying . Do you know . . . I miss my son . I miss him with my very heart . I don 't worry that you will tire of me writing about him , when this happens . You have the choice to go on to the next blog . . . post . This happens ever so often . I write grief , pain . . . it 's what I know best . Then , I write my colors / my life . . . my thoughts . I was thinking today of how Tommy died . . . I wondered if his eyes were opened long enough to look up at the beautiful , blue sky . . . see the white sea gulls flying over him . I keep imagining the sea gulls singing to him . . . ' Tommy , come home . . . it 's time to come home ' . I pray that he didn 't feel any pain in his chest . . . nor feel pain as his body collapsed on the sand . I pray that invisible angel 's hands guided him gently as he fell . Did his ears hear the waves as they washed ashore close by where he lay ? My son died a beautiful death . . . people say this to me . I can ' see ' that they are right . Everyone would want to ' go ' that way . My mind worries for any pain he might have felt . . . he had two blockages to his heart . The autopsy showed this . . . I wonder . . . is it possible he didn 't feel pain ? Imagine the music that the ocean , and sea gulls make as the sounds blend together . . . soothing , soft . . . hauntingly beautiful . Doesn 't it touch your heart ? I think Tommy heard this special music as his soul . . . soared to Heaven . Soared to the sea gulls singing , ' Come home , Tommy . . . come home ' . For the moment . . . I 've went to the place where I don 't usually allow my mind to go . . . to ' that moment when my son lay on that sand ' . To the moment . . . he . . . died . I feel I want to cry . . . but , I know I won 't for now . I don 't know ' why ' I won 't . . . I just ' know ' . I can see in my mind 's eye . . . my little 3 year old grandson squatting down to his daddy 's level . . . asking him to come play with him . He probably put his little hand on his daddy 's shoulder , to shake him to wake up . Tommy was always playing with him . . . pretending to be asleep , and such . . . then , surprise his little son with a big grin , and a roar ! He didn 't . . . that time . Thank - God for the little group of people close by . . . they were the only people around . They came to Tommy , and Taban . . . watched over Taban until he was safely with his mother . His mother didn 't know where Tommy and their little son . . . disappeared to . She , her family were putting luggage up in the hotel room . The grief . . . in my grief , I would almost feel he was going to walk up any moment . . . appear from around the corner . It felt like ' almost ' anytime , I was going to see my child . It was like when I was diagnosed with cancer . . . in that shock . . . I kept feeling somehow , I could step back ' through a door ' . . . and everything would . . . be back the way it was . Everything would be alright . Some day I will sit , and try to explain that more . . . it 's a very interesting way of thinking . I 've never heard anyone describe ' real grief ' . . . I 've never had opportunity to be around anyone who has grieved like I have . I understand . . . no one 's been around me to see me . . . grieve . . . like I have . It 's a very private thing . When someone you love , dies . . . somehow , in the shock . . . it feels like you can ' shift the time ' just a little . . . and it 's like ' they can come back ' . It doesn 't make sense . . . I just tried to ' go back ' for a moment to ' feel ' , so . . . I could describe it . It sounds strange . . . maybe sometime , I will examine it more in my mind . . . and write it , to tell you . In my mind , I used to wish I could reach out . . . part the air like opening a curtain . . . see the steps to Heaven . . . go up them quietly to the top so , I could peep . . . hopefully , to see the angels walking by . . . see Tommy . I would have softly called , " Tommy " ! Then , watched for his sunshine smile ! We all wish . . . we all think . . . don 't think . . . feel , cry . . . sob , weep when we grieve . Sometimes , we do nothing . . . I grieve quietly , privately . . . the only way to know I 'm grieving is to see it in my writing . I don 't talk about it . Only at a rare moment will Skip see me grieving . . . I don 't want to upset , worry him . If I 'm not alright . . . he can 't rest . So , I write the pain . . . When you look at me . . . you 'll see my smile , and know everything 's alright . Because . . . really , I am . I don 't know how others grieve , I know how I do . I only have my grief . . . to compare my grief to . Tommy died unexpectedly . . . no one knew he was sick . He died of two blockages in his heart . . . he made it to Myrtle Beach , S . C . just in time to play with his 3 year old son . . . he left on another journey . . . he 's gone forever now . Thanksgiving has come . . . gone . Only leftovers are left in the refrigerator to show for it . Turkey , dressing to make sandwiches with . . . later . Our Thanksgiving was a very quiet one , once again . We were missing someone very loved , dear to us . This is the third year we didn 't have Tommy here . I did good . . . Thanksgiving Day . Today is . . . day after . I kept thinking of Tommy . . . feeling those little waves of panic in my stomach . They kept threatening to turn into huge waves of pain ; waves to toss me around in . . . twisting , turning me this way , that way . Skip , our Pups . . . were my lifesaver . . . I focused on them hard , I held on tightly for dear life . I didn 't want to drown in that sea of grief . . . I 've been there too many times . It 's a wonder I haven 't drowned long ago . . . but , I made it to ' now ' . . . Have you ever felt waves of panic . . . the feeling you are going to lose control ? Want to just melt down to the floor . . . cry , cry . . . cry ? Just let go , weep until you fall asleep ? Panic . . . scared of the darkness that threatens to consume you . . . because it hurts so bad being there . You might not come back . . . if you get lost . I 've been there too many times . . . I try so hard not to go back again . I can 't bear the pain . . . oh God . . . I can 't bear the pain . Look at your son . . . your baby son . . . your adult son . Look at your only child . . . think , try to imagine them gone , never to come back . Did you feel breathless with fear . . . afraid something could happen to him ? Can you even go so far as to imagine . . . oh , my God . . . he were to die ? Die unexpectedly . . . when you never had any idea he was sick . . . he was going to die ? Can you imagine ? Can you ? Now . . . you can smile , be thankful that your son is still here . You can reach out to hug him , say I love you . Some of you may feel smug because your son is still here . . . mine isn 't . Just remember . . . it can happen without notice . . . you could get the call I did . . . " madam , I have a man collapsed here on the sand , he isn 't breathing ! " I pray that you never do . . . My fear now , is gone . . . my son died . . . he can 't die . . . again . I fear the grief , pain of grieving when it strikes me like lightening from the sky . . . out of the blue . . . no warning , no clue . Just like this very moment . . . my stomach feels sick . . . the ' birds are fluttering again , hitting against the bars of the birdcage . . . trying to escape . They are trapped . . . if only they could be . . . set free . I take deep , quiet breaths to calm them down . . . I close my eyes . Oh , my head , my head . . . I press it down into the palms of my hands as I sit here at my desk . I press my palms against my eyes . . . hard . Breathing in , breathing out . . . I need relief from such a feeling . I don 't want to go into another grieving period . . . too hard to come back . I 've done well . . . still doing well . . . until this very moment . It drives me . . . to write the pain . Write the pain . . . make it go away . . . I promised to write the pain . . . when grief struck . It 's struck now . . . and I 'm trying to get back up . . . . slap the dust off my pants . . . stand firmly on my ground . My breathing 's become freer now . . . I can take a deep breath once again . . . instead of it becoming stuck in my throat . I 'm going to be alright now . . . I can feel it . . . I 'm going to be alright ! Oh , how good it feels to breathe the air . . . in , out , in . . . out . I hold my head back , with my eyes closed . . . my chest rises up , down . . . I can breathe again ! I made it through once again . . . I wrote the pain . . . I made it go away . I met the huge wave head on . . . the one that threatened to wash me away . . . it 's gone now . I 'm going to be alright . I promised to share my grief with you . . . so , you can see , feel what it 's like . . . without losing your child . Now . . . you can quietly go your way . . . knowing all is alright in your world . . . go hug your son . . . your only child . Don 't worry about me . . . I 'm just words to you , a story / post for a blog . . . I just remind you . . . how it 'd feel if . . . you . . . lost your son , your only child . You still have your son . . . to tell him you love him . You can still hug him . . . he 's still here . Look at him with your mother 's eyes . . . let a gentle smile come on your face . . . be so thankful as I used to be . . . to have such a wonderful son . I am taking time out to ' talk ' to you . . . my readers , followers . I have a lot of new followers on my blogs . . . and Bubblews . I wanted to tell you about my writing . I write the colors / stories of my life . I write about grief . I write about what I know best . . . ' best means ' me ' . I don 't write for anyone else , or try to write their stories . I write about me , my life . . . I know it best . When I write about my childhood . . . I don 't write about the other children who were there , how they were treated . . . what they went through . That 's because ' that 's their story ' . . . they can write it if they want to . I only write my own . Sometimes , ' those children ' will reach out . . . to remind me they were there , too . I never forget you . . . and the things I saw you . . . suffer from ; how you were treated . Just know that . . . my heart cares for what you went through , also . I can 't write your stories . . . When I write about my childhood . . . most of it was bad . Yes , it was a bad childhood . . . I don 't sugar - coat it . I tell it like it was . Not many people were kind to me . . . I suffered , I was made fun of as a little girl when my mother and her husband broke up . . . she sent me straight to Hell . In Hell . . . I no longer was dressed like a little princess , with beautiful dresses . . . my long hair was no longer brushed , taken care of ; I no longer lived in a very clean house . I no longer had good meals prepared by the lady who came to our home every day to care for me , my little brother . In Hell , it was awful . . . scary , dirty . . . there were things that jumped on one . . . . In fact , I was no longer cared about . I became . . . nobody . I became a little scapegoat for people to abuse when they were pissed off , angry at someone else . So . . . were the other children who were thrown away . . . too . Hell . . . was the house I was sent to . . . . at my Grandma Alma , George 's . They lived in nothing but , pure ' hell ' . Their house sat over the portal of Hell . . . guarding it . No one ever knew any peace there . My Grandma Alma was paralyzed . . . George , my step - grandfather was blind . They never knew happiness there . My aunt who lived there was the ' daughter of Satan ' . . . . Their ' middle room ' was where my Grandma Alma was ' trapped ' in her old , upholstered rocking chair . . . George sat in his old cane - bottomed chair to watch tv ( George couldn 't watch tv , he could listen . . . I would describe to him what I saw as a little girl ) . This room is where they ' lived ' . . . The floor in the ' middle room ' . . . in my mind , became through time what I named . . . ' the Arena ' . Because . . . this was the one place where everyone came ' to raise hell ' . To make sure Grandma Alma , George saw , heard it all . . . and of course , any child that was living there . The fights , gnashing of teeth , screaming , cussing . . . the blood . . . the hell they raised , was . . . . ungodly . No one can imagine , unless they lived it . The Arena was where everything played out that was ' important ' . It was where anyone who wanted to settle something . . . was there to fight it out , have witnesses to watch . . . not only that , if they felt like it was a war they wanted to be in . . . so be it ! A lot of hell - raising went on in that Arena . A lot of blood on that old hardwood floor . All the grandchildren who weren 't wanted . . . were thrown down there . . . the mothers would take off , come back whenever they wanted . They never knew the things ' we children ' went through to survive there . I 'll tell you my stories / colors . . . just know that I know I wasn 't the only child who suffered . I never forget them . The purpose of writing this is to let my new followers know . . . that when I write the ' bad ' . . . don 't feel sorry for me . Don 't think I grew up tormented by all of the things that happened to me . Don 't think you have to feel sorry for me . . . because I promise you that I made peace with it all . . . a long time ago . My memories of the past . . . have become my stories of today . . . I only feel pain when I take them out to ' feel them , examine them ' as I write about them . When I 'm through . . . I put them back up . . . just as you would put up your winter clothes in boxes until you needed them again . I never think about , or hold on to the past . . . never . One can 't , to have peace of mind . I don 't live in the past . I will tell you this . . . I do grieve for my son , Tommy . He was my only child . . . that pain never goes away . . . never . Also . . . I never talk to anyone in person about my grief . . . it 's too personal . I do write about it . . . if you are interested in reading . . . you can choose to come here to read . . . go your way quietly when you are through . You don 't even have to comment on it . This is my only outlet for my pain , grief . I write my pain . You can see how it feels as a mother to lose a child . . . I tell you just like it is . This pain is always there . . . I am thankful , and have been for years to have went through such ' bad ' things as a child , young woman , an adult . I couldn 't have survived all the ' bad ' things I have been through if I 'd had life easy as a child , younger person . I know ' why ' now . I 've only become stronger through each experience . That doesn 't mean ' that I don 't hurt ' . . . it means . . . I will . . . survive . Somehow , everything will be alright . Just know that I don 't write to gain sympathy . . . I 've never felt sorry for myself . I never will . I know life is full of twists , turns . You wouldn 't believe the paths I 've walked in life . Some were very scary paths , indeed . I 'm thankful to have gotten off from them before ' going too far ' . I write my memories as stories for ' today ' . . . I don 't live . . . in the past . As a child , the things I lived . . . I never knew everyone didn 't live like that . I thought it was the way life was supposed to be . I never knew what it was like to feel safe , protected , sheltered , loved . I learned to never take anything for granted . . . even love . I learned hate of the purest form . . . I have battled ' hate ' all my life . . . I am a good person . . . probably one of the best people you 'll ever meet . I 'm just not perfect at all . . . not at all . As much as I wish to be perfect , I 'm not . I 'm big enough to apologize when I am in the wrong . . . my heart hurts if I 've done you wrong . I care about ' everything ' . I say prayers for the animals laying on the road . . . where cars have killed them . My heart ' feels ' everything . I can 't bear the meanness , how cruel people are to other people , animals . I just wanted to let my new readers / followers know these things . . . and to remind the ones that don 't know . . . when I write my ' bad ' memories . . . I don 't do it to gain sympathy . My past memories have become . . . my stories . . . today . I write what I know . . . best . I know grief , pain . . . best . It doesn 't mean I walk around crying , wringing my hands like a tormented soul . I don 't at all . I write it like it really was . . . really is . I see that it touches people in different ways . . . like when I read others ' writing . . . things affect me , also . I understand ' that 's what they write about ' . . . . just as ' that 's what I write about ' . Don 't ever feel sorry for me . . . I have never felt sorry for me . I would be uncomfortable knowing you did . I do appreciate your caring words when you express them , though . Don 't feel you have to comment unless you feel you want to . . . . I don 't ask anything of anyone . I have to write . . . I 'll write until the day I take my last breath . I have to ' leave a part of me here ' when I die . . . Tommy isn 't here , now . He would have ' been that part of me I would have left here ' . . . that I knew would be here when I died . He 's gone . . . . . . . Not only that . . . this will be the only way . . . that my grandchildren will ever know me . My words are ' the part of me that will always be here ' . . . . I have no immediate family left now . I have to write to ' pass on memories of my son , Tommy . . . myself . There 's no one else to do it for either of us , now . Any family I have is distant . . . there aren 't any bonds left . . . maybe a kind of sad love for the other , knowing it can 't be . I don 't have grandchildren who will grow up knowing me . . . . there 's been too much deceit , dishonesty . . . all because of insurance money not going to whom it should have . One lie has to cover another one . . . and lies such as those . . . make it impossible for me to know my grandchildren . I 'm not involved in it . . . but , I will pay the price . . . I will forever be Granny Gee . . . ' in name only ' . I have a message written just for them when they become older . I will place this message here in the future just for them . . . for now , it 's on my computer . This is to let them know their Granny Gee has always loved them . . . she never had anything to do with all the money their father left for four people . . . . each of them , me , and one of the mothers . One of the mothers had sole control over dividing it . . . . . . . . . . it should have been divided equally . . . all of it , plus his 401K . It wasn 't . . . . I 'm afraid it hasn 't been handled right at all . That message will be put on my blog for them to see one day . . . I know a lot now , that I didn 't know before . Dishonesty , deceit . . . lies told to cover up more lies . . . . it 's so sad . My grandchildren will know I never had contol of their money , never handled their money . I was given ' my ' part of it . . . it wasn 't divided as it should have been . . . I never said anything . A lot of money was spent on a drunk who had never ' had brand - name things ' . . . he got brand - name shoes , clothes off ' Tommy 's insurance money ' . . . . . he abused one of my grandchildren while he lived a while on his daddy 's money . I know what Tommy would have done . . . if he could have . I write this now . . . and will put the message on in the near future . I won 't go to my grave having my grandchildren think that I had any part in them . . . not getting their daddy 's money meant for them . I was told that one mother thinks that I had control over it , by the other mother . . . to hide what she did . No . . . I never had control . . . ever . I never saw any money . . . only what she decided to give me . Just a few weeks before Tommy died . . . he did as I asked him to . . . I told him he was married and to put his wife 's name on the policy . He updated the policy , put her name there . . . it was the worst decision I ever made . I worry that the money won 't be there when they should have it . I 'm so sorry I ever told him to change the policy . It 's strange . . . just a few weeks before he died . . . . it would have been done exactly the way he wanted if he hadn 't updated it . . . done ' as I asked ' . This will be the only way my grandchildren will ever know . . . too many years , lies . . . now . I have to leave the truth here . . . where it 'll live ' forever ' . I won 't ever get to see them in this life . The purpose of this post is to let people know . . . that when I write my memories of the past . . . everything is alright . Don 't feel sad for me . . . years have gone by . . . the pain of those memories is left in the past when I 'm through with them . . . where they belong . Only when I ' take them out to write about them , to ' feel them ' . . . is there pain ' . . . when I finish with them . . . I ' put them back up . . . the pain , also ' . I don 't sit , dwell on the past . The pain I ' can 't put up ' is the grief over my son . This pain is completely different . . . it 's the worse pain ever in my life . Do you see ' why ' I don 't regret all the ' bad ' that has happened to me ? I might not could survive this kind of pain . . . if I hadn 't been so strong . I probably wouldn 't have . . . if it hadn 't been for Skip . I don 't think I 'd be here . . . . ' now ' if Skip hadn 't been ' there ' . I was ' dead ' , just as ' dead as my son ' . . . I wasn 't aware of life . . . then . Skip is my ' everything ' . . . and our Pups . They are my world . . . all I have left . I hope anytime you want to communicate with me , you 'll feel free . Don 't worry , I 'm not a ' tormented , depressed soul ' who will pull you down . I 'm the opposite . . . I love to smile , even if I 'm crying . : ) ) ) Remember . . . when I write . . . the pain ' is in the moment ' . . . I don 't dwell on it after I write a memory . It goes away . When I grieve for Tommy . . . it 's a different ballgame . I still know everything will be alright . . . She sat there , stunned . No , stunned wasn 't the word . She was in ' pure ' shock . Devastated . What was going to happen to their dogs ? They were their babies , their life . They were the only family they had left in their life . Her only child had died three years ago . . . she had no one left in her life . . . only her husband , and three dogs . She and her husband were traveling down the road . Her husband was driving . His cellphone rang . . . it was the call he 'd been expecting . He was smiling as he pressed the button on his bluetooth , his hands - free device for his cellphone . He spoke pleasantly into his phone , his face was smiling . The call he expected , was from a man who had hired him to work locally , making very good money . He was happy , he could stay close to home , his wife , his dogs . It meant the world to him . He 'd already met the man . . . both instantly liked each other . The man called him over the next several days . . . and they met again for her husband to give him his driving record , and such . His driving record was perfect . . . he was a good driver . Not only that , he was good with customers . . . he 'd worked in management . . . so , he knew how to talk to anyone . She sensed something was wrong . . . it was taking her husband too long to answer . She looked over at him . . . instantly felt sick to her stomach . Something 's wrong . . . why does her husband look like that ! Her husband had been driving long - distance for so long . . . he just wanted to be home . He 'd begun having fears that he might not see home again . He told her that he didn 't mind telling anyone that he loved being home , loved being with his wife , loved his dogs . Not only that , he loved to be home in the evenings to drink tea , and watch his favorite tv shows . This new job meant that his dream to be home . . . was coming true . Both felt such happiness , relief . He 'd been out of work for over a month . . . and they had been having such a hard time . Bills needed to be paid . . . groceries needed to be bought . . . gas was expensive . Pups needed food . . . they also , had to buy water by the gallon . . . they couldn 't drink the water from the tap at their home . Not only that . . . rent needed to be paid . Thankfully , the man they rented their house from . . . understood . He was a good man . . . in fact , he encouraged her husband to come home , get off the road . The man was their friend , also . He worried about her husband . . . he knew she worried about her husband . She saw the smile slip off her husband 's face , heard his voice tell the man , that he understood . Her husband 's voice was pleasant , though she knew something was ' bad ' . . . wrong . He pushed the button on the bluetooth , to turn the cellphone off . " He can 't hire anyone right now . . . the insurance company is investigating . . . to do with one of his trucks burning up . He can 't hire anyone until it 's over , done with . He has only the one driver and himself to drive . . . and if his other driver quit now . . . he 'd be ruint . . . because he can 't hire anyone right now . He said he hates to tell good people bad news . She sat there . . . went into a shock . She felt her husband do the same . Her hands went to her face . . . she couldn 't bear this . Where would their dogs go . . . they were going to lose everything . She didn 't care about herself . . . just where would her dogs go ? She began . . . crying . Her husband drove home in shock . He couldn 't even speak . He felt bad for his wife . They got out of the vehicle in silence . . . both went into the gate , closing . . . locking it behind them . They both reached out to pet their 3 dogs as they walked up the steps , onto the porch . . . opened the door , entered the house . In a quiet voice , he told her not to worry . . . their dogs weren 't going anywhere , and they 'd be cared for by only them . He told her everything was going to be alright . He would show her . She felt faint . . . she held onto the chair as she walked by it . She couldn 't take anymore . They were at rock - bottom . . . how in the world could they come up now . They were like a hot - air balloon . . . sitting on the ground . . . what in the world could make it rise back up in the air ? What ? She put it on , hung her clothes up . She walked out into the hall where she met her husband . . . she softly said , " I am going to put me into bed . . . I 'm no good to you , or to me right now . . . I can 't function anymore . . . I am going to bed " . She turned , went to the bed . . . pulled her covers back . . . turned on her electric blanket . She was so cold . Instantly , the bed shook as three dogs jumped up on the bed with her . They all found their places beside her , promptly snuggled up to her . Her husband walked to the door . . . talked to her . She told him she was so sorry . . . she wasn 't any good to anyone right now . She said in a quiet voice , " You 've always pulled a rabbit out of the hat . . . please pull a rabbit out of the hat , now " . She heard her husband say in a quiet voice , " I 'll pull a rabbit of the hat , you 'll see . Everything 's going to be alright . I 'll be back in a little while " . He left . . . she fell asleep surrounded by the dogs she loved with her very heart . As she fell asleep to get away from all the grief , pain in her heart . . . she reached out to touch her babies . They were all she had . . . them and her husband . She began praying , asking God for a miracle . She knew many miracles had happened in her life . . . she asked for one more . She asked for a good job for her husband , one he could be happy at . . . one here at home . As she fell alseep , she prayed that she , her husband , and dogs never be apart . . . and for all to be alright . As she drifted to sleep . . . she thanked God for all she had . She laid on the big bed . . . surrounded by three dogs who knew her as their ' Mommy ' . They snuggled close , tight to her . . . they knew something was wrong . . . they sensed she needed them close to her . They needed . . . her . " I have good news , I got a job ! " She became aware of her husband 's voice . . . it sounded happy . She woke up , sat up in bed . . . the dogs jumped up to be petted by her husband . He began to tell her how he went to a friend of theirs , talked to him . He didn 't need anyone right now . He told her how instead of turning to go in the direction he always went . . . to come home . . . he went straight . He drove until . . . he saw his friend 's truck in the distance . It was parked in front of his house . He drove up , parked behind it . His friend and his wife , and sister came out when they saw him park . His friend asked him what was he doing . Her husband told him he was looking for a job . . . that he 'd tried to retire but , there wasn 't enough money to retire . His friend said his company was looking for a good , experienced driver . Her husband had worked for that company many years ago . . . that 's where he had met his friend . His friend called the company . . . told them he thought he 'd found somebody . He put the man on speakerphone , and he remembered her husband . . . her husband remembered him . It was a good conversation . He told her husband to call on Monday , and that he would have him come there with another driver to pick up a truck . Also , he 'd be taking a drug test , and all the things he needed to do . She began to cry softly . . . when she finally looked up . . . it seemed everything felt ' alive ' once again . She had completely stopped living for a little while . . . she looked into her husband 's eyes . They were happy . . . his voice was happy . He would be going to work with people he knew . . . who knew him . She felt happiness in her heart . . . she said quietly , " You pulled a rabbit out of the hat ! " She quietly thanked God inside her heart . . . he 'd sent them a miracle at the most crucial time . . . a better one than the one that came with good promises . . . left as quickly . . . like a tornado blowing in , tearing everything up . . . leaving all laying in pieces . . . as it blew away . She had lost faith in everything . . . so many bad things had happened in her life . . . in their life . So many miracles had happened in their life . . . always restoring hope again . This was one of those rare times , when she gave up . . . knowing there wasn 't any hope left . . . only to be lifted back up by her husband . He ' pulled a rabbit out of the hat ' . The Emergency Room Registration clerk sat at her desk typing info into her computer . The ER was slow tonight . She was glad to get the break . . . she would make up for it later . It was common knowledge , the ER didn 't have a lot of slow times like this . A young couple came into the waiting area . The guy was on crutches . . . he hopped as he walked . They saw her through the door , and headed her way . Once in the little registration room , they both sat down . " I want to see the doctor " , the young man said . The registration clerk went on to ask what seemed to be the problem . The young man told her that he needed the doctor to look at his leg . . . the one in a cast . The clerk looked at both people , really seeing them . She always paid attention to people . She took her job seriously , and knew how important it was to pay attention even to the smallest of detail . It was her nature . . . she knew sometimes , people didn 't always say how sick they were . . . and would begin to get sick fast . She didn 't at all think that was the case here . But . . . if it was . . . she 'd have time to go get a nurse . Everything seemed to be fine . While she talked , asked appropriate questions , she typed on her keyboard . The cleaning lady came in , greeted her , began emptying the trash can . Once the trash can was emptied . . . she swept the floor . The registration clerk giggled as she rolled out of her way . . . so , the cleaning lady could sweep there , and . . . not sweep under her feet ! Everyone ' knew ' if someone swept under your feet . . . you would never get married . She sure wanted to marry one day ! Once that was done , the cleaning lady rolled her yellow bucket of mop water in from the hall . She put her mop into the clean , sudsy water . . . and pulled it up through the rollers , squeezing excess water out of the mop . She began to mop . . . then , placed her little orange cone on the office floor . The cone was to warn someone of ' wet floor ' . The cleaning lady rolled her bucket out into the hall , pushed it to the locked door . She pulled her cleaning cart behind her . . . she waited until the registration clerk unlocked the door . When the door buzzed , she could go through it . She went through the doorway to the waiting area , began cleaning . In just a moment , the cleaning lady was forgotten . The registration clerk pushed the papers forward so , the young man could sign them . The young man stood up , his girlfriend handed him his crutches . He asked the registration clerk to unlock the door . . . he wanted to go to the bathroom in the hall . The registration clerk told him the floor was wet , it 'd be best to go to the bathroom in the waiting area . The young man went ahead , began hopping toward the locked door , ignoring her . All of a sudden , as she watched . . . he pretended to fall on the floor . He didn 't think she noticed that the fall didn 't look real . He knew what he was doing . . . he ' fell ' so he wouldn 't hurt his leg . He looked up at her , told her that he 'd just fallen on the wet floor ! He began acting like he was hurt . She looked him straight in the eye , he looked away . He began yelling louder . . . The registration clerk told him to get up from there . . . she knew he didn 't really fall . . . because she watched him as he pretended to . You aren 't hurt ! I saw you . . . there 's no way you hurt yourself the way you made yourself fall ! The young man got up from the floor , grinned . . . said , " I was just fooling , I didn 't fall " ! He and his girlfriend walked into the waiting area , laughing . The registration clerk went into the Emergency Room , talked to the nurse , and doctor . As a precaution , the nurse came out to talk to the young man . . . he told her that it was only a joke . She documented it . . . and went on . After that , the pace in the Emergency Room picked up . . . the clerk took it in stride . She loved her job . . . you never knew what would happen next ! I don 't know ' who ' the woman is in this photograph ! I chose this photo to put here . . . please don 't ask me ' why ? ' There was a time when Tommy was here . . . and I had someone to send silly photos to ! So now . . . you know what that means ? Yes . . . I have to share them with you ! : ) ) ) It is what it is ! And . . . life is that way sometimes ! I was sitting at the dining table . . . I heard a knock at the front door . I knew it wasn 't anyone I would know . . . because I have no family , and only several friends who would come to see me . I sat there a moment , decided I would answer the door . First , I reached for the gun I kept laying close by me , whenever I was alone . I got up , walked to the door . I opened it , and there were two men standing on the other side of the storm door . One held some magazines in his hands . " We 'd like to show you these magazines " , he said . I spoke through the glass door , told him I wasn 't interested . The second man said , " Well , maybe you 'll be interested in this " ! He held a gun up , pointed it straight at me . " Open that door , be quick about it " ! Dumb - ass me . . . I opened the door . . . and let them kidnap me . . . take me away ! Where the gun went , I don 't know ! As I walked , I saw a big truck parked . I saw my son , Tommy . . . laying part - way on the top step , and on the tire ( which is impossible , so . . . I thought ! ) . " Tommy , are you alright ? Tommy , why are you laying like that ? " I wanted to go to him , make him get up . I couldn 't go . . . I was kidnapped ! " Please be alright , Tommy , please be alright " ! Oh , my God ! My thoughts turned to the dining table , and the dishes that were set out for supper . I 've lost one of the little forks ! Where did that little fork go ? I became aware that my pillow was ' rock - hard ' . . . and shifted positions in the bed . I was awake now . . . I was still remembering my dream . I could still see Tommy laying there . I felt a deep sadness in my heart . I dreamed of Tommy . . . and it wasn 't a good dream at all . Skip woke up , and asked me if I was okay . I told him . . . " I was kidnapped . . . and I was the one who had the gun " ! I heard him laugh , as I fell back asleep ! Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee . . . This is a memory that wasn 't pleasant , but . . . one that doesn 't bother me now . . . I look back on my young life . . . not understanding ' why ' . . . now , I don 't even question ' why ? ' I know , now . . . it was to prepare me to be very strong for what life what going to bring me through the years . No matter how bad . . . nothing was as bad as losing my only child . I must not have ' had enough bad things to happen to make me strong enough ' to lose my child . I write always in memory of . . . Tommy . My memories are the ' colors of my life ' , my stories . Don 't ever feel sorry for me . . . I never felt sorry ' for me ' , even as a little child . I just ' knew ' it was supposed to be like that . I always remember ' I wasn 't the only child ' who lived in Hell . . . the difference being that I . . . write my life . . . I can 't write theirs . But . . . I see their little faces in my mind , also . I never forget . I was excited ! It was my birthday , and it was going to my first birthday party ! Actually , not just my birthday party . . . it was my half - sister 's birthday party , too . You see , our birthday was on the same date . . . she was exactly one year younger than I . Valentine 's Day . . . that was our birthday , as well as . . . Valentine 's Day . I 'd never had a birthday party in my entire life ! I was going to be 14 years old . . . my sister was going to be 13 . There was going to be a big cake , ice cream , lots of good foods , music . . . dancing ! We lived in a huge , beautiful log home in Roxboro , NC . The house was spotless . . . all the wood glowed from Old English oil . The hardwood floors had a beautiful sheen . We knew how to wax a floor with Johnson 's Paste Wax . . . we put the wax on the floor , then buffed it with soft cloths . The house was immaculate . . . always . My step - mother , and two half - sisters , and I . . . kept a beautiful house . It was decked out for our birthday party . The den was a huge room with lots of sparkling - clean windows . They reflected the lights in the room , making all look festive . The party began with lots of young people arriving on time . . . everyone was laughing , talking . The music began , boys began dancing with the girls . I was asked to dance . . . I had no sooner begun to dance when one of my half - sisters told me to go into the kitchen . I walked to the kitchen . . . it was at the far end of the house . It was well away from the party in the den . My father was in the kitchen , so was my step - mother . Both told me that I had to stay in the kitchen , not come back to the party . To this day . . . I can 't remember ' why ' I couldn 't stay at the birthday party . It was my first , only birthday party . . . it lasted all of maybe ten minutes . I sat in the kitchen that night . . . I looked at all the dishes that were beginning to stack up on the counter top . I got up , began washing dishes as I listened to the music in the distance . I could hear laughter , squeals of happiness . I somehow , understood the party wasn 't ever meant for me . I felt such pain inside my heart . . . I was the outsider in that house . I knew that one day I was going to run away from there . I lived in a beautiful home there , I dressed in very nice clothes . . . we all made a beautiful family . No one could see looking at us . . . that I was the outsider . No one could see that I wasn 't wanted . I never told anyone how unhappy I was . . . in fact , I accepted how I was treated . I didn 't think to complain to anyone . I was afraid if I did , I would have to face the wrath of my father , step - mother . I never got a birthday present that night , nor got to go back to the birthday party . I did get to help clean up all . . . when everyone went home . Happy Birthday to me . Bed 3 . . . turned into a ' short story ' as I started out to write something else . That 's what happens when I begin to write , draw . . . paint . What begins ' as one thing ' . . . . turns into another . The young woman watched as the young man got out of his car . He ran quickly to the passenger side of the car . . . opened the door . She stood at the glass door that opened into the parking lot . She peered closer . . . to see what he was doing . . . to see what she needed to be ready for . The young woman opened the glass door leading into the waiting room . She worked in the office as an emergency registration clerk . This was the room everyone waited in for their turn to go into the emergency room to be seen by the doctor . She always watched out for the emergency waiting room , in case someone was very sick . She didn 't want anyone to die while waiting there , to see the doctor . The clerk was very responsible . . . she took her job seriously . She paid more attention to the people around her , than most people who worked her job . She cared . She watched , listened for the double doors that would swing open any moment with an emergency patient on a stretcher . Most of the time , she was alerted by a nurse . . . or the wail of a siren . Sometimes , no one would hear a car come up carrying someone who was deathly ill . . . until the family member came in to get help . The clerk worked in a small community hospital . The emergency room was across from the doorway of her office . It was her job to run between the actual emergency room , and the office to register patients . She would meet the rescue squad when they came in with a patient . It was her job to meet family members as they came through the doors with the patient . . . guide them through the locked door for them to be seated . . . get their information for the patient . The waiting room was empty . She had walked to the door she had to unlock , to enter the registration area . . . to walk out into the waiting room . She was listening to the news on the tv mounted on the wall . She had walked to the glass door to look out into the parking lot , when she saw the fast - moving car drive in , park . " What 's wrong with her " ? The clerk asked while she motioned for him to follow her . " She 's having bad chest pain ; she has a history of congestive heart failure " ! The young man could hardly talk , he was breathless from carrying his load . The clerk led the way through the door she kept locked , closing it behind her . She saw a wheel chair , pointed at it . The young man shook his head , meaning to go on ! She led him through the open doorway of the emergency room . He followed her . The clerk led him to Bed 3 . . . where she had watched . . . life and death play out more times than she could count . This ' was ' the bed for heart patients , and patients who were deathly ill , patients who were in a bad way . Her eyes had paid close attention to the woman . . . she had the feeling ' something was going to happen ' . She felt the woman was very sick . She knew that it was okay to take the patient directly into the emergency room . As she passed the nurse , and doctor sitting at the white counter top on stools that rolled them around . . . she leaned in to tell them the woman was experiencing severe chest pain . . . she had a history of congestive heart failure . She hurried on , knowing they would go into action . This doctor , and nurse were very good . . . she held the highest respect for both . They were a ' good combination ' . . . anyone would want to be in their hands . . . if they were fighting for their life . Anyone with chest pain would be seen right away ! Sometimes , the ' combination of doctor , nurse ' . . . wasn 't a good one . This time . . . they were . . . the best . She felt proud to be working with these two , today . They were her friends , also . She pulled the curtain back , pointed at the bed . The young man put his mother on the bed . His mother laid back against the pillow . The clerk looked at her , didn 't feel good about her . The elderly woman smiled weakly at her . The clerk ran out to tell the doctor , nurse to come on . . . briefly wondering ' why ' they weren 't already there . Still . . . she ' knew ' they 'd come . . . She saw the nurse , doctor still sitting there , engrossed in one another ! She walked quickly to them . . . apologized for interrupting . " That woman is having a heart attack " ! How she knew the woman was having a heart attack . . . she didn 't know . She just ' knew something was getting ready to happen ' ! She kept going until she got to her desk , computer . She put the woman 's name into the computer . . . found her . . . printed out all the info . All the son had to do was to sign permission to treat her . She ran back to the emergency room . As she entered the door , she heard a commotion . . . it was at Bed 3 . Get the crash cart , call Code Blue ! The nurse picked up the phone , pressed a couple of buttons on the phone . She began speaking into the phone . . . that became an instant intercom . " Code Blue , Emergency Room ! Code Blue , Emergency Room ! " Medical staff began arriving , each knowing what their task was to save the woman . The clerk stood back to witness the ' battle between life , death ' . She 'd seen it many times . She prayed this woman would live . She was told to lead the son out into the emergency room . She put her hand gently on his shoulder as , he kept turning to look back . She had to keep her emotions in check . . . she wanted to scream at the doctor , nurse . ' Why ' didn 't they come on ? The clerk smiled gently at the young man , patted him on the shoulder as she led him to the door . She opened it to let him go in , so . . . he could be seated in the waiting area . She promised to come back to let him know how his mother was . She closed the door . . . it locked automatically . There wasn 't anyone to register . . . so , the clerk walked back to the emergency room . She stood watching the hospital staff do CPR on the woman . They used the paddles . . . . She felt terrible anger , shock while she stood there . ' Why ' didn 't the nurse , doctor come to help the woman at the very beginning ? That wasn 't like them at all . She would have bet a thousand dollars on both of them to go to a patient , not waste time . . . to save their lives . If ' they ' couldn 't save a patient 's life . . . no one else could . Yet . . . only ' she knew ' that they didn 't do what they should have . They didn 't come for some reason . . . they were the reason that woman was dying . The clerk 's eyes filled with tears . . . her heart felt deep anger . She hated them . . . God , she hated them ! They did wrong ! Please God , don 't let that young man 's mother die ! She became aware of Bed 3 . . . the commotion was dying down . . . she knew the woman had died . She knew it ! She 'd seen this happen over , and over . Some patients lived . . . some died . Bed 3 was like a portal to the other side . Imagine a door . . . . if you open it . . . enter . . . you have died . Imagine being at that door . . . and it didn 't open . . . that means you missed death only by inches . BED 3 was the portal to . . . the other side . The clerk never spoke to the doctor , nurse that she had always thought highly of , respected with her heart . . . ever again . Never had she been so disappointed in someone . The nurse , doctor came to her several times , after the woman died . They came to talk to the clerk . . . she only turned her head away . She couldn 't bear to even look at them , much less talk to them . She knew that they did wrong . . . they let a woman die . . . while they were enjoying each other 's company . She . . . hated them . She never told a soul . . . how could it help anyone . They knew they did wrong . They let that patient die . . . on Bed 3 . Come follow Camie 's journey as her little body heals . . . I rescued her from death 's door . . . where she lay on the cold , wet ground . . . dying . This little Puppy has been on the most painful path in her life . Her skin has been one ' open sore ' on her whole body . With everyone 's help with prayers , donations . . . Camie is slowly getting well . She has suffered so much . She doesn 't have to , now . . . not when she has ' all of us ' . . . Thank - you from my very Heart for you continuous donations . . . for your healing prayers , thoughts . You can call , donate at her veterinarian in Louisburg , NC if you 'd like . They will put the money directly on her account , deduct it as Camie goes each week for her injection , any medical treatment needed . By the way . . . the staff , veterinarian . . . Dr . David Fontenot . . . are animal lovers . . . good people . We love them . Here 's the info to donate at ( please don 't feel obligated to . . . we will take care of Camie the best way we can . . . thank - you if you do ! ) : Dr . David Fontenot115 North Church StreetLouisburg , NC 27549Their website is : louisburgvet . comYou can also , make a donation by phone at : 919 - 496 - 2638 To those of you who have never lost a child , remember this . . . grief doesn 't just ' stop ' . It may ease off for a while , only to come back full - force . It may come back softly . . . no one can predict grief , nor can they predict the severity of it . When I write about grief , I welcome you to come to ' see ' . . . without actually having to experience it in your life . Come quietly , read . . . and go on with your life . Love your children with your heart . . . I pray that you never lose one to know . . . personally what I write about . Leave my blog , and love your children . . . more . . . while you have your chance . My chance is . . . gone . My son has died . . . he is here no more . . . my chance to love him more is ' forever ' gone . . . yours , isn 't . My blog is about grief for the loss of my child . . . it will always be just that . . . no matter how happy I am , or what I write about . I will come here to write about grief as it happens . You don 't even have to leave a comment . . . just slip in , read quietly , leave and go about your life ; go out of your way to let your children know how you treasure them . Don 't worry about me . . . I 've known pain all my life . . . I will do like always . . . I will face it ' head - on ' . . . I might cry a lot , but . . . I will continue getting back up . Do you know why ? Because , no matter what , I still believe somehow . . . everything will be alright . Just remember , when you visit my blog . . . no matter what I write , or feel . . . this blog is about pure grief , about the loss of my son , Tommy . Grief is sure to come most unexpectedly . . . like the waves the sea tosses upon the sand . . . sometimes , crashing violently . . . sometimes , in a gentle way . All it takes is a memory , a scent , seeing someone who looks like . . . I am like the sand , always changing with the tides , but . . . always there . . . as the waves of grief wash over me . Sometimes , I can let go , be happy , all will be normal again . . . until a storm comes up in the ocean , sending big waves my way . The sun will be hidden by the gray sky , taking my happiness away . . . I begin . . . all over again , and . . . again . I keep smiling through my tears . Everything will be alright . . . again . . . until the next time . Grief is like this . . . 2014 . . . My grandson didn 't run to me calling ' Granny Gee ' . . . the light has gone out of his eyes . . . I felt like I was knocked on the ground . . . As I sit here reflecting on life . . . I realize how much I could have done if I had known all I do now . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee At my age I hate to see young people waste time waiting . . . for nothing . I want them to live in the present . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee Caught in an act of love I 've done for many years ! Making mustard Hearts inside Skip 's sandwiches : ) Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee # sandwiches Do you know how it feels when someone thinks of you and . . . you didn 't know it ? How it feels to be special for a moment ? It 's just . . . special : ) ) ) Don 't tell me my son is . . . in a better place . He wanted to live . . . just like you do . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee Drinking blood . . . I can 't imagine . Iced Blood like iced tea . . . a cup of blood with cream . . . Ugh . . . No can do . . . Gloria Faye Brown Bates fighting . . . I 'm not going into the ' Old Age Jar ' yet ! I have a lot of years to live that I didn 't get to . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee Four years . . . my son has been gone . I have finally accepted that he 's gone . . . but . . . it doesn 't lessen the pain in my Heart . . . the hole in my life . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee From time to time I have to remind others ' why ? ' I write . I don 't write to gain pity . . . I write to live . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee . Granny Gee says to remember this picture in your mind . . . . Candle plus Flame . . . Equals HOPE . . . Blow gently to keep it alive . . . don 't ever give up . . . Grief ' snuck ' up on me ' like a thief in the night ' . . . I didn 't see it coming . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee grief inside one of my teardrops . . . I couldn 't see a thing . I could only feel it in my Heart . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee Happy Mother 's Day to all mothers . . . I still remember being a mother once to a most special son . . . Tommy . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee I am happy for women who are mothers . . . I don 't envy them . I would be protective of them if anything . Happy Mother 's Day . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee I CAN move a mountain . . . I CAN come back alive . . . I CAN do anything . . . if I am a character in a story . . . there 's always a way ! Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee I can 't believe it . . . I 'm writing again . . . I might finish The Saga of Victoria Fairchild yet ! Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee I couldn 't believe I could make such good fudge using only 2 ingredients ! Oh my . . . this is good ! Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee I don 't believe in keeping dogs outside . . . since I have to . . . I have made Duke a ' cloth house ' with canvas . . . tarp on top . By Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee . I don 't know ' why ' I even care when people have been mean to me . . . I always wish them the best . # Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee I felt sick to my soul today . . . I couldn 't remember something I should have remembered . To know the answer . . . I have to go where I . . . can 't I found an unusual treasure today . . . Galileo thermometer . Tommy gave us one before he died . # Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee # Tommy Mitchell Sidden I hope to grow older gracefully . . . I meant to . . . I just didn 't know I would walk the paths I 've walked ; survive the battles I 've fought . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee I just knew a rainbow with happy colors was coming my way to brighten my day . . . even the sun hid behind the clouds . Damn rainbow ! Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee I knew Skip wasn 't feeling well this morning before I talked to him . We are that close . . . soulmates . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee . I know hair is just hair . . . if one has never lost it . I know that I 've lost mine twice . . . it means the world to me ' now ' . . . I appreciate it so much . . . I made a sign for our dogs ' pet door today . . . Slow Down ! to keep them from running through the pet door : ) Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee I mean to lose this weight . . . I have the rest of my life to live . . . I can 't live it fat . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee I received my Copyright Certificate from the Library of Congress for my 1st book . . . ' When She 's Good . . . She 's Good ' . I 'm so happy ! I thought I 'd written all the pain away . It came back and was bigger than me . I couldn 't run from it . By Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee . I took my power back . . . I had given it to someone and it caused me pain . . . I doubt if they even knew it . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee I was bullied as a child . . . I see people today who were older . . . who added to my torment . I ' hate ' them with a passion . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee I wish I could make all good . . . remove all bad . I can 't . . . I 've accepted I can only do the very best I can . By Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee . I wish I knew about ball room dancing as a young girl . . . I would have surely been a ball room dancer ! Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee I wish so hard to go back to visit the past . . . the only thing is . . . suppose . . . I couldn 't come back ? Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee I would ask for help with our Pups before I would ask for help for myself . I would feed them before I eat . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee I write to tell my characters ' stories . . . I don 't put words in their mouths . . . I write real . By Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee . I 'm like a # redwood tree who has weathered many of Life 's storms . I am still standing . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee I 've been kicked while down . . . it only made me strong . . . Redwood tree strong . . . I 've weathered many storms # Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee I 've flown through my life too fast . . . throwing caution to the wind to the tune of . . . . Open her up Baby ! Now . . . I know better . Gloria Faye Brown bates / aka Granny Gee I 've found ' ME ' in the mirror again after 6 years of being a grieving mother . . . I think Tommy is smiling from above just like the sunshine . By Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee . I 've only known 3 truly kind men . . . I 'm fortunate enough to be married to one of them . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee I 've traveled Grieving Mother 's Road . . . I am still on it 6 years later . Everything does get better no matter how bad . By Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee . If I could grieve in a beautiful way for my son . . . I would choose to do that . I am a ' beautiful ' person ' inside ' . . . if I could . . I 'd do everything ' beautiful ' . Gloria Faye Brown Bates If I don 't have a path back to where I 've come from . . . I can 't go back . I 'm burning this bridge behind me as I speak . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee If I see darkness I look for light . If I see light I go toward it . I 'm afraid of darkness . . . sometimes bad things are there . By Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee . If you want to make a difference in someone 's life when something bad happens . . . place a hot cup of coffee in their hands . Comfort . . . pure comfort . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee In order to make it in the real world . . . we all must play the games of life . . . grief is no different . We have to pretend we are alright . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee is the doe whose baby was killed by a car . . . I choke up when I think about it . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee # animals hit by cars Isn 't it strange how the tables turn . . . just that easy one can go from evil to being good ? Where did the evil go ? By Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee . It took growing up to realize how evil my step - mother was . . . deceitful . She did it all under the guise of . . . love . I loved her . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee It 's hell trying to break out of a body of fat . It 's not funny . . . it 's a very real thing . # overweight Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee it 's like drawing . . . I never know what I 'll finish up with . . . this is an example . : ) ) ) Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee Just think of a wonderful river of clear water overflowing its banks touching your toes to get them wet ! That 's ' me ' ' . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee My whole world comes back together under one roof . . . today . Skip 's coming home from the hospital ! < 3 Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee . No matter that I don 't have a lot . . . I do have a lot of HOPE . . . I never give up . . . if I appear to . . . know that I 'm waiting for my second wind . . . Not a lot of women get to experience how it feels to be . . . bald . I know . . . and I understand why men . . . get upset when they lose theirs . Mine grew back . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee Now . . . I cry for my hair . . . it 's damaged by a bad perm . . . I don 't know how to care for it . . . ' Now ' . . . it has to grow out again . . . NOW . . . I love my beautiful hair . . . no matter it was damaged at a salon just 4 weeks ago . . . I 've been caring for it . . . and just found the right . . . hairdresser . . . her name is Felicia . oh the magic of coffee ! Comfort in a cup warms us to our soul giving us hope . . . everything 's going to be alright . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee Our Kissy needs surgery . . . we don 't have the money needed . I need to raise this money in two weeks . I pray that you will help me . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee People stand side by side . . . one goes home to poverty ; the other goes home to luxury . Each person lives in a different world . . . most times we never know it . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee Please help me to help Camie get better . I don 't ask for myself . . . I ask for a part of my whole world . . . this precious puppy named Camie . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee Really . . . I think about things that other people don 't bother to think about . It 's ' just my way ' . . . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee some scary . . . on the way to growing up . Some paths are good ; some are bad . . . I 'm fortunate to have met my soulmate . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee Sometimes . . . I hope you get to see how I have felt with all that 's happened in my life . . . then the good in me . . . doesn 't hope . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee Sometimes . . . my photos can express more than my words can . My world is a happier place after almost 6 months of pure Hell . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee . Sometimes when I want to write . . . I have to wait for the words to come . Sometimes . . . they don 't . In this case I described the moment . By Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee . Sometimes when something bothers me . . . instead of running . . . I take a stand and face it . Death scares me . By Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee . THE CALLER ID SHOWED SKIP WAS CALLING . . . A STRANGE VOICE WAS ON THE OTHER END . . . DEJA VU . . . MY WORLD FELT LIKE IT WAS TURNING UPSIDE DOWN . . . AGAIN The day of the . . . drones . . . is here . Privacy has gone out the door . . . all 's left are our thoughts . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee The father thing . . . how can I talk about something I . . . don 't know . I can only talk about . . . what I do know . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee / @ GeeGranny on Twitter There are days when I shouldn 't even let the ' world ' see me . . . I look just like the grief I live with . . . on the inside . By Gloria Faye Brown Bates This memory never goes away . . . it 's one of the best childhood memories I have . It 's better than no good memories at all . Gloria Faye Brown Bates Tommy . . . died a beautiful death so when I think of him . . . I can see beauty in my mind . By Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee . Tonight part of my world is at the hospital . Skip is in the hospital . . . the Pups and I hope tomorrow our world is complete once again . . . I love you too . Like the woman in Baby Girl . . . I have a reaction to that name when I hear it . . . Skip has always called me that . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee When I die I don 't want to be viewed . . . I will be cremated . . . all will be private . . . like me . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee # cremation When I write . . . I write what I know best . . . me . I always have a lot to write . . . as long as I live . # Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee when I 'm told ' not ' to do something . . . I begin thinking about ' how ' . . . I can do it . : ) ) ) Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee When my child died . . . my mind kept imagining his . . . last moments . As a grieving mother I think this happens . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee When the sun glided behind the clouds . . . instant darkness in my mind . . . death is near . . . I feel afraid . I began to cry . By Gloria Faye Brown Bates Where to begin . . . where have I been ? I 'll try to explain . . . so much has been forgotten in the big shuffle of Life . By Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee Wow ! We don 't know the dangers that lurk around every corner . . . it 's a good thing ! We 'd stay . . . afraid . . . all the time ! Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee You might say your world was perfect ' back then ' . . . I don 't believe you . . . unless you were a fairy tale character . Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee You will never see my grief . . . it 's always hidden from the world . You may read it . . . but you won 't ever see it . By Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka Granny Gee . you will see ' me ' in my words . . . you will see when I mean something meaningful . . . I use capital letters as another way to express . Gloria Faye Brown Bates I miss you , Son . This is the 3rd Easter since you 've been gone . I remember how tired you were when this photo was taken . . . you made . . . Today when Skip and I were talking . . . I told him that he really needed to catch up on the last 3 times I 've written here on my blog . I . . . I miss you , Son . This is the 3rd Easter since you 've been gone . I remember how tired you were when this photo was taken . . . you made . . . Today when Skip and I were talking . . . I told him that he really needed to catch up on the last 3 times I 've written here on my blog . I . . . The happy colors in my life are my husband , Skip and our Pups . On May 29 , 2010 . . . my only child , my son Tommy died . I became lost in life on a long , dark path on my journey looking for sunshine again . I almost never came back . . Skip wouldn 't let me go . He is my hero , my best friend , my world . I love you my husband . I am lucky to have photos of Tommy , us . We lost all in a house fire December 2004 . I had a huge suitcase of photos upstairs that were damaged by water , and fire . So , if you see imperfections in my photos . . . it 's because of that . Tommy walked into Heaven on May 29 , 2010 from the sand at Myrtle Beach . He was doing something he 'd been looking so forward to doing . . . . playing his first time at the beach with his little 3 year old son , Taban . I 'll never forget him standing on the deck the evening before , smiling his big , happy ' Tommy ' smile , saying he was looking forward to playing with his son for the first time , at the beach . Tommy had changed his mind , no one knew ' why ' . . . . to not going with the family to Myrtle Beach . . . to going . It was his last trip . . . his first , last time to play with Taban , his little son . They were running , squealing with joy , laughing . . . Tommy was sending me photos on his cellphone to my computer back home . His fingers slipped off the video . . . he collapsed there on the sand . The phone rung , the caller ID showed Tommy was calling ! I answered it , my mind became confused as I realized it wasn 't Tommy , but . . a strange man 's voice saying . . . . ' I have a man lying here on the beach , he 's not breathing ' ! My life forever changed . . . he was my only child whom I loved with my very heart . Tommy had 2 blockages in his heart . . . no one knew . . . he was only 40 years old . I am keeping my son 's memory alive , my memory alive for my grandchildren . . . Taban and McKenzie . I don 't have family left who can do that for me . I sit and write my life 's stories , my thoughts here . . . . everyday . I will write until the day . . . I die . Tommy nor I , nor Skip . . . our Pups . . . will ever be forgotten . I hope my grandchildren will one day read this to know . . . that we loved them , I loved them . . . . that they were indeed . . . thought of . . . . often . You will see a mother who has fought her way back from a very dark place to be here now . You will see a mother 's real grief here and how she learns from all that 's happened in her life . I will write hereMy Handsome Son . . . MAY 29 , 2009 . . . THIS PHOTO OF TOMMY AND TABAN AT LAKE . . . EXACTLY ONE YEAR BEFORE HE AND TABAN WERE AT MYRTLE BEACH ON MAY 29 , 2010 . . . WHEN TOMMY COLLAPSED ON THE SAND , DIED .

Today started at 5 : 30 a . m . I fed Micah , who actually had not eaten since midnight , so that was pretty good . However , he could not get back to sleep because he has phlegm in his throat that he can neither swallow nor cough up . I got him settled by 6 : 30 a . m . , but not before Cody was awake . By 7 : 30 a . m . , Jamie was BACK in bed , because he was so grouchy . He was only up for about ten minutes . I was not looking forward to the rest of the day . I fed Micah again at 7 : 30 a . m . and when I was done with him , I discovered that he had peed through his diaper , his clothes and his blankets , and my shirt was also soaked . Wonderful . My day was already swirling towards disaster . Before lunch , the boys were pretty good . Not awesome , but decent . Oh sick ! Jamie is crying now . It is 2 : 19 p . m . That means he probably pooped and is now in pain from a diaper rash that he got a couple of days ago after a poop went undiscovered in his diaper for several hours . Oh boy . He sounds really miserable . Guess I 'll have to continue this after I deal with him . Oh boy . This just keeps getting worse and worse . Before lunch , I was feeding Micah in the living room and I heard the answering machine go . I don 't mean that the phone rang . It did not . Jamie was standing in his high chair pressing buttons on the answering machine . He then recorded a message which was quite lengthy and consisted of Cody asking repeatedly , " Can I have a message ? " and me shouting , " Jamie , get down off your high chair ! Jamie , get away from the answering machine ! Cody , get in here ! " Well , you get the drift . I have yet to discover whether he recorded it as a message or whether it is our new greeting . It is a fairly accurate picture of what goes on around here . After that , I fed them lunch . Cheez Whiz sandwiches . ( Gross . ) I was in the living room again when I heard Cody announce , " Mom , we 're putting Cheez Whiz in our hair ! " Oh boy . A while later , Jamie was in bed and I was just getting Cody out the door to play outside for a while when he announced that he needed to poop . Okay . I was fePosted by I survived yesterday , and my first week alone with the kids is nearly over . Yesterday I managed to clean the kitchen , do laundry , take care of three boys , bake a brownie and complete a search for my missing Lilypad . I did find it , as it turns out . It was under my bed . I had looked there multiple times . How typical . Cody and I battled it out once again , but we survived . We had a nice time with company in the evening too , and the kids stayed up a bit late playing with their friends . Now Jamie is napping , and Micah is also asleep , but he is fidgeting , so I suspect I will be feeding him soon . I just deflected Cody with the TV . Not a good habit , but it 's Friday , and he has been pretty good today . I am not accomplishing much . I was going to nap because I was falling asleep , but Cody is not going to make that possible , and Micah will be up soon anyway . Speaking of Micah , he slept through the night last night . Yep . Yesterday he was officially one month old , and I fed him at 10 : 12 p . m . and he did not eat again until 5 : 15 a . m . He also slept the entire time in between . No fussing . Wow . I was very thrilled with that development . He then did not eat again until 9 : 00 a . m . I don 't know that he will make this a habit , but wouldn 't it be great if he did ? ! I still only got about five hours of sleep , but five hours of uninterrupted sleep is like a gold mine when you have a newborn . In fact , I did not even get that much uninterrupted sleep for the last several months of my pregnancy , due to bathroom breaks in the night . I don 't have much more to say right now because I am just too tired . But I will leave you with this cloth diapering moment from a couple of days ago . Mike was in the bathroom with the boys , who were both in the tub . Mike was spraying off a poopy diaper of Jamie 's into the toilet with our wonderful diaper sprayer . I was in the living room feeding Micah when I overheard Cody say , " Dad , you 're a great poop cleaner ! " Hm . Maybe he should include that on his next resume update ! Anyway , I guess I 'm off for now . Going to restPosted by There is a new biggest loser in town , and it has nothing to do with weight loss . Other candidates need not apply . I already have this one down . I can 't tell you the number of ways that label applies to me right now . Yesterday around 4 : 00 p . m . or so I realized that I had forgotten to do my eye drops and I was about 2 1 / 2 hours late . I am on an every three hour schedule now , so I had basically skipped an entire dose . Some of you may think that 's not a big deal . You are wrong . These are steroid eye drops and if you suddenly stop taking them , you can permanently damage your eyes . I was mad at myself , but I went to my room immediately to do my drops so it would be okay , right ? Wrong . My drops were not there . I kind of freaked out . I have been doing my eye drops sitting on the edge of my bed , so they are always sitting on my night table right beside my bed . They were not there . I thought maybe they fell into my garbage can . They were not there . I thought maybe they fell on the floor . They were not there either . I started to panic . I wondered whether I had brought them to the living room or the kitchen so I came and checked . They were not there . I started to look under and on top of everything in sight . No eye drops . I found my two old bottles , which are both smaller than the current one . They are also empty . Desperate , I tried using them to hold me over . There was one drop in the first bottle . My left eye was done . Then I got a drop out of the other bottle . Now it was 4 : 30 p . m . and both of my eyes were okay for the time being , but what the heck was I supposed to do for my next dose ? ? Mike and I both started searching every room in the house . It was clear by this point that the eye drops had been taken , not just misplaced . I knew the culprit had to be Jamie , though we did entertain thoughts that one of the cats may have taken them . Seriously , they do that sort of thing . That meant they could be anywhere . I looked through laundry baskets and the dryer . We searched our room including under the bed , in the bed , in the closePosted by Well , so much for victorious mommy moments . Today is my first day alone with the boys , as Mike returned to work this morning . I would not call my day positive so far . For one thing , Micah picked last night to wake up every 2 1 / 2 hours instead of doing a five hour stretch and a three hour stretch . How wonderful for me . My first round of sleep lasted less than an hour and a half . By the time I fed him at 6 : 51 this morning , I was shaking with exhaustion . Fortunately for me , Mike did not have a full day of work today , so he didn 't have to leave until about 9 : 30 a . m . He let me sleep in until 9 : 00 , which was a life saver , though I still felt like crap when he woke me up with a crying Micah . I fed Micah on my bed and Mike had fed the boys breakfast . Jamie was still in his high chair , so I was not too bombarded in my room , thank goodness . By the time I was done with Micah , Jamie was both of the other boys were done eating and were playing nicely , and Mike was gone . So far , so good . When I came into the living room , I felt a sense of deja vu . There was cereal all over the living room floor . This time , it was rice krispies , and Jamie was the culprit . At least I get a bit of variety . There were also toys and other miscellaneous items all over the floor , and I decided that it was time for clean up , after I ate my toast . Cody started off well , and put some of his toys away . Things went downhill from there . He then began his usual " clean - up rebellion " , which consists of telling ME to clean up , and him doing whatever he wants . I had a lot that I wanted to do , including some baby laundry , so I strapped Micah onto me in the Trekker . ( A baby carrier , for those who are unfamiliar with it . ) He immediately began screaming , and I mean SCREAMING ! ! ! Why is it that my babies never like the trekker ? ? I decided to ignore the screaming , despite the fact that it was less than six inches away from my ears and they were suffering terribly . I went about my business . I accidentally scraped his foot against the corner of the change table while clPosted by This morning , Cody came in the house calling for me and saying , " Mom , I need a needle ! " . I had no idea what he meant by that , but I could tell that Mike had sent him in the house so there must have been something I was supposed to give him . I had Micah at the time , as I had just finished feeding him . I also had stuff on the stove , but fortunately I had already turned it off . Cody came into my room , covered in sand and dirt . Yes , I do mean covered . He had actual grains of sand in a large patch by the side of his mouth , and his arms were blackened as though he had rubbed charcoal on them . His legs were too . He came up to me holding his hand out and said " I need a needle " . He pointed to his finger and then I saw the problem . He had slivers ! Three of them in one finger , obviously from his new play structure . So , I was presented with a mommy challenge that I have never faced before . I told him to go into the bathroom and wash his hands and face really well and I would be with him in a few minutes . I put Micah down and began searching for my sewing pins . I could not find them . I then decided to look in my sewing machine case and use a needle instead . I could not find my sewing machine . I suppose that sounds odd , but my machine does not have a table that I keep it on . It is in a case , and I have had it stashed in the laundry room . It was not there . Great . By this time , Cody was calling for me and Micah was fully hysterical , and I still had no pins or needles . I then stuck my head out the kitchen door and asked Mike to come in and help me . He informed me that my sewing machine was in the basement . Somehow , that bothered me , but since getting my machine I have never actually sewn with it . It is not for lack of interest . I would love to start sewing . I just don 't remember how , plus I have no fabric or patterns . Anyway , I returned to my room and did find the wayward pins so I grabbed them and went to the bathroom with Cody . I informed him that this was going to hurt a little bit . That may have been a poor strategy on my parPosted by When people say that they laughed til they cried , it brings to mind an image of laughing out loud , possibly doubled over , red in the face , and a few tears streaming down their cheeks . For me , it is much more than that . Anyone who knows me really well will sincerely utter the word " Uh oh . . . " when they hear that I laughed til I cried . To me , a tear or two on the face does not necessarily constitute crying . Sure , there are happy tears . The expression should be , " I laughed until happy tears came out of my eyes " . Okay , so it 's not as catchy . The thing is , I laughed til I cried today . Well , almost . I told Mike I had a brilliant idea . I wanted to take a bunch of our old XBox games to EB Games and trade them in for credit , which I wanted to use to purchase the new Wii game , Wii Sports Resort . I have been really wanting this game since the last few days of my pregnancy . In fact , when I could not get it then , I cried . So , when I mentioned this brilliant idea this afternoon , Mike immediately broke into a grin . Okay , so Mike is always grinning . But this one was so big and so immediate that I knew instantly that he had already purchased the game for me , either for my birthday or for our anniversary , which fall on the same day , incidentally . Seeing the tell - tale grin caused me to lose it laughing immediately , which in turn tipped him off to the fact that I was on to him , and he began laughing too . Problem is , I was out of control . I could not stand up . . . partially for fear of wetting my pants , a very real possibility in the weeks following child birth , but also partially because I was so weak with laughter that I could only collapse face first on the bed . I laughed so hard I indeed had tears streaming down my face . That 's where the trouble nearly began . I felt the subtle shift in emotion and knew I was about to hit the crying phase of the " laugh til I cry " sequence . It took all of my emotional fortitude to control myself , and I don 't have much of that these days , but somehow I managed to stop the pendulum before it swung to thePosted by Well , I made it through my appointment with the ophthalmologist unscathed . Miraculously , when I got there the entire waiting room was empty . I mean , not a single person waiting . I didn 't even have to sit there . They took me directly into an exam room , and Micah slept the whole time . Even though I was the only patient there , I still had to wait for the doctor . I could hear him on the phone in spanish in the next room . I was tense , thinking that if he didn 't hurry then Micah would wake up , but he stayed asleep . The doctor was with me for about ten minutes , and he did not say anything rude this time . Lucky for him too , because if he had I definitely would have cried in my current hormonal and sleep - deprived state , and then maybe he would have felt bad . He was a bit baffled by my condition , especially when I told him that I had taken the liberty to begin treating the other eye when it got red and sore on Saturday . He informed me that it is very rare for it to be in both eyes , and I did not comment , but I have had it in both eyes before . He discovered that little tidbit when he looked back through my file . He also discovered that we had already done all the possible tests to discover why this keeps happening to me , and to no avail . So , he kind of shrugged and said that we would simply treat it and he would see me in eight weeks . ( Oh joy . I get to go back . ) So that was my appointment . I went to three different places when I was done . I went to the gas station to fill up the van . Then I went to a health store to buy laundry detergent for the cloth diapers . Then I went to the grocery store to pick up a few items there . Micah slept the entire time , and all the way home til about a quarter of a mile away from our house . He was amazing . I was so thrilled and so relieved . I will be on eye drops for the next six weeks I think . Hopefully my next appointment will be the last one . I don 't want to keep going through this . This is the third time I have had this happen in five and a half years . . . the second time in one year . It 's notPosted by I 'm sick , so I have not been on here much . I have a cold , which has officially moved on to the " using mass amounts of kleenex and sounding very nasal " stage as of this morning . I am very thankful for that because the two days prior to that were the horrible sore throat days , and that I can 't stand ! I think we are all sick here , though I am not sure about Micah , and not 100 % sure about Mike either . I also have a condition in both eyes that is requiring eye drops every hour while I am awake . I get to see an ophthalmologist about that situation tomorrow . For reasons that I won 't get into here , I dread my appointment . I might have an update to give once it is over . I hope it will be uneventful and not post - worthy . Other than that , I don 't have a lot to say tonight . I am simply too tired and I want to put my laptop down . I did survive an evening alone with all three boys though , but it was pretty easy because Micah slept the whole time the boys were up , and then they went to bed relatively easily , so I cannot claim any heroics tonight . Anyway , eyes are watering and due for more drops soon . I am signing off for now . Goodnight . ( I hope . ) " I 'm going to go pick up the tractor so I can work on the boys ' play structure " , Mike told me earlier . Sounds harmless enough , right ? Wrong . I have three boys here , and NONE of them are napping . This is not good . I wondered how in the world I was going to survive , though Mike assured me he would only be gone 25 minutes . If that were the case , I would not have been too concerned , but Mike 's " 25 minutes " often evolve into hours , so I was not really excited about this development . Sure enough , after he left it all hit the fan . Jamie took it personally that Mike left without having taken him outside first . Then he got really clumsy and kept hurting himself . I finally turned on the tv to a kids ' show , a tactic that I have not resorted to in a very long time . Then I had to take Micah , who was very distraught , to change his diaper . While he was on the change table enjoying the open air , he pooped . Anyone who has had a baby knows what kind of poop we are talking about here . So , I was quite horrified and used the last few wipes cleaning it up , all the while hoping that he would not go again while his diaper was off . While he screamed on the change table , I heard Jamie start wailing again in the background . Great . Hurt again . Well , I couldn 't exactly run to his rescue in my current situation , so I hoped it was not serious and I finished changing Micah while both of them continued crying . By the time I emerged into the living room again , Jamie was fine , so that was good . Eventually , I got Micah to sleep in his bouncy chair in the play pen and I left Cody in the living room . Actually , I guess I technically left all of them in the living room . Then I took the cloth diapers to the baby room and organized the change table . It is all a blur to me now . At some point , Mike got home again , and it was not much longer than he said he would be , so that was good . Cody and Jamie watched out the window as Mike drove the tractor around , moving lumber and who knows what else . I was still on the floor in the baby room organizing baby clothePosted by I have been thinking today about life and how right from the first few weeks of life it is one big struggle for independence , either for the baby or the parent . I guess I was thinking about it because I am a big believer in teaching my babies how to self - sooth and to fall asleep without me nursing them or rocking them every time . I 'm not talking about letting them cry it out when they are only a few weeks old , but just taking small measures to teach them to fall asleep on their own . I make it a habit to put them down when they are still awake so that they fall asleep without depending on me , or a swing , or even a bouncy chair , though I do make exceptions now and again ! It works , or it has worked for my babies anyway . My first two both slept through the night consistently by 8 weeks old , and I am hoping that Micah will do the same . The irony of my situation is that in my zeal to train my baby to sleep well , I might miss out on some precious baby moments . The thing is , during the day I do want some space and I don 't want to always have to hold him , but sometimes in the evenings or even during the day I really want him to sleep on me . He does fall asleep in our arms , and I really like it , but there 's always this nagging in the back of my mind that I should be careful not to do that all the time or he won 't learn to sleep well . It made me realize that there is a bit of a catch 22 situation here . On the one hand , he will only be a newborn once , and I really want to hold him and cuddle him and enjoy this time while it lasts . On the other hand , the sleep habits that I teach him now will determine how he sleeps for literally the rest of his life . So , I guess it is about balance . My challenge is to soak up as much of this newborn baby stage as I can without sabotaging his or our sleep in the process . Don 't worry , I am making it sound so dramatic , but it really is not . I cuddle Micah lots , but there is a part of me that would love to just sit and hold him for hours on end , but I know I can 't do that all the time . It just mPosted by Okay , so on Thursday evening , Mike took a load of stuff to the dump in the back of his dad 's truck . He had done a bunch of cleaning and organizing in the shed , so there were a few things that needed to be thrown away . I am always glad to get rid of some more of the junk that is around this place , seeing we have dealt with so many " leftovers " from the previous land owner . Imagine my surprise when Mike arrived back from the dump a while later with more stuff than he had taken to throw away ! He brought home four mountain bikes that someone had thrown away . To me , if someone threw them away it means that they are no good anymore . To Mike , this was seen as an opportunity to take the four bikes and try to use various parts from each of them to get one or two functioning bicycles . Well , yesterday was the big day , and Mike did a lot of work out there and by the end of the day he announced to me that he had three bikes that worked , and one that was still useless . Wouldn 't you know it , the only one that did not work was the only woman 's bike . The others are two men 's bikes and a youth bike . Hm . Oh well . So , I took Micah outside to check out our new rides , after the other boys were in bed . Mike took Micah for me and I took the smaller men 's bike for a spin . Yikes . Okay , first of all , perhaps it was a little soon to ride a bike . I will be waiting a few more weeks before I try that again . But , aside from the fact that I just delivered a baby , that was the most awkward feeling bike I have ever ridden . I don 't even know how to describe the angle that I was sitting at . After I returned from my very short , very spastic trek , I informed Mike that it was NOT a very nice bike . He responded in shock . His exact words were , " What are you talking about ? ? That 's the best one ! " Well , there 's another strike against acquiring your bikes at the local dump . At any rate , I assured him that I would try it again once my body could handle it . We shall see how that goes . This entry has taken me all day because I forgot that I was in the middle of iPosted by Well , we had an eventful weekend . Hm . I don 't even remember what we did on Friday . All I know is that it was the last day my Mom was here . Well , she left on Saturday morning . I was sad to see her go , but I knew she couldn 't stay forever . Since then , things have been somewhat crazy . We went to a party on Saturday , which was good but difficult . I guess it was only difficult for me . Mike went boating with the guys but I stayed with the girls at the house . That left me in charge of all three boys . I had many offers of help from the girls , but I was still overwhelmed . Everyone was more than happy to hold Micah , which was great , but my troubles began around supper time , which is typical . I am going to skip the details here , but let 's just say that everything always happens all at once , and I had a bit of a crisis with Cody right when Micah started wailing because he wanted to eat . I had to deal with Cody first and then I had to go hide in a room to feed Micah , but that left Cody and Jamie unsupervised out there somewhere . There were lots of people around , but nobody specifically watching Jamie , which stressed me out . I got overwhelmed and ended up crying when I finally got Micah into a quiet room . I guess technically there were many moments at the party where I almost cried . That is because I am still an emotional basket case . I knew Mike would be gone for hours , and they didn 't even leave until 4 p . m . for the lake . Anyway , I survived , and it was really nice to see my friends and to let them meet Micah . Then yesterday we got really crazy and packed up all the boys and headed for the big city , 2 1 / 2 hours away . We took them to see my Grandma , which was nice except that Micah got really fussy there and I had to feed him , which cut into my Grandma 's time with him . I was kind of stressed at that point , but I guess that 's just me . We went to see Mike 's sister and her family at that time and to meet their new baby . He is ten days younger than Micah , and they are less than a pound different in size , so it was pretty cute to sPosted by I 'm still very emotional these days , which is very likely hormonal but made worse by lack of sleep . We took Micah to the doctor today for his 10 day old check up . He weighed in at 8 pounds , 8 ounces , so just one ounce under his birth weight . No wonder he still looks so tiny to me ! He is still a whole pound smaller than Jamie was when he was born . The doctor said that he is very strong , and everything looked quite good . He is now 22 1 / 4 inches long , which supports the fact that he was born 22 inches long , not 21 1 / 2 , as they originally measured . ( The nurse was never confident in that measurement and figured he was longer than 21 1 / 2 inches . She re - measured him the next day and thought then that he was 22 inches long . ) Anyway , my doctor was very nice and he truly is a very compassionate man . He was very concerned to know how I was doing , and even told me that if I needed to ask him anything I could call and leave a message and he would get back to me , so not to feel that I am alone . I thought that was really nice of him . I was upset this evening because I had a bit of a rough time with Cody . He seemed to be in a bratty mood for some reason , and was begging to be disciplined . He was basically taunting me by disobeying continually , hoping to get me to my breaking point . Then , I was changing Micah , who had done a huge poop , when he suddenly let loose and peed with his diaper off . Well , this was the second time he had done this today , but the first time was in the morning and I was just as glad because I wanted him to have a bath and Mike had already filled the baby tub when Micah peed all over the change table . So , that time it was no big deal because he was going to have a bath before his doctor 's appointment anyway . This evening was different . Unfortunately , he was pointing the wrong way , and the pee shot all up his body and all over his face . Mike was out at the dump and my Mom was in the living room on the phone with my dad . I called her , but she did not hear me . I started crying because I was so disturbed that hPosted by Today , Micah is 9 days old . I am slowly adjusting to life with three boys . Micah continues to be a good baby , and even did one six hour stretch between feedings last night and then a four hour one after that . Really I only had to get up once last night , it 's just that I fed him at 4 : 30 a . m . and it took until 6 : 30 a . m . to settle him once again . Mike did that part , thankfully . Micah was really quite upset , and we have not had to deal with much of that so far , so it was a little bit rough , but I am still amazed that I only had to get up once to feed him . Of course I had to feed him again at 8 : 30 a . m . , but that is nothing for a newborn so I cannot complain . Feeding him continues to be a painful process , but there has been marked improvement in the last 24 hours , so I am not nearly as discouraged about it . In addition , my Mom is here now , and that helps me in many ways . Right now , Mike is gone with Cody to town . They left about ten minutes ago and will likely be gone until supper time . They are getting groceries and a couple of other items . Jamie is down for his nap , as of about 20 minutes ago . My Mom is now resting too , and Micah is sleeping in his bouncy chair . I would love to nap , but I can 't do it yet because Micah will be due to eat within about half an hour . If he settles right after that , I will go to bed too . I am tired , but not like I was the day I came home from the hospital . I had the shakes so bad for a couple of days . Now I am up and about most of the day , but right now I could fall asleep sitting up . I am still very nervous to feed Micah , but I do believe that I am healing up and that he is getting better at it , so hopefully it will not be unpleasant for either of us for much longer . Micah had a bath today , which was quite overdue in my opinion ! I 'm pretty sure we bathed our other babies every day , but they say not to do that . With Micah it has been closer to every three or four days , which is what the nurses said to do . He puked on himself really badly this morning , so I asked Mike if he would bath him . Posted by I 'm up feeding Micah again . I had a very difficult day yesterday and spent most of my evening in tears . Feeding Micah has been so incredibly painful that I 've had to resort to using ice packs in my bra prior to each feeding and then bawling my eyes out while he nurses . I have been putting him in a different position and trying hard to make sure he is latching on properly , in hopes for an improvement overnight . Well , I think it may be working . This is still hurting but I didn 't cry out in agony when he started . I hope it will continue to get better so that I don 't dread feeding him every time anymore . Micah also seems to have some kind of eye infection , so I may have to high tail it into town in the morning to see a doctor . I don 't mind going , but my parents will be here by about 11 : 30 a . m . so that doesn 't give me much time . My grandma has decided not to come because she is afraid she 'll find it too tiring . My grandma is 95 and she is awesome . She never complains and she travels a lot , so for her to say that makes me sad . If she says she 's not up for it , she really isn 't . But she is going away soon , so she will not meet Micah now until he is at least 6 weeks old , I think . At any rate , I 'm glad my parents are coming anyway , and my mom is going to stay for a few days . I am so relieved about that . Anyway , this one - handed typing is awkward and irritating , so going to sign off . Goodnight . In this picture , Cody is 3 1 / 4 years old , Jamie just turned 19 months old , and Micah is 5 days old . Look at them ! Don 't you think they 're going to be great buddies growing up together ? ! Well , I have been a bit out of the loop lately . I am very tired , and it is hitting me once again right now . It is almost 11 a . m . and I have been up since 6 : 30 this morning . I couldn 't get Micah settled again until about 8 a . m . or shortly after , so I decided not to bother going back to sleep . Last night was our best yet with Micah . We were all settled in bed before 11 p . m . , and he woke up to eat again at 1 : 30 a . m . So , I fed him , changed him . . . etc . , and got him settled once again by about 2 : 30 a . m . Oh no , wait , that 's not right . He would NOT settle . I finally got Mike to take him because I had already been up from 1 : 30 til 3 . Mike took him and apparently after 40 minutes , he put batteries in the bouncy chair and put Micah in it with the vibration on . He said Micah settled instantly ! Then he did not wake up again until 6 : 30 ! Wow . So , even though I did not get to sleep until about 3 : 30 , I still got three solid hours of sleep . It was good . Well , for me anyway . Mike couldn 't sleep last night , so he is in bed now . Jamie is sleeping , and Micah is still asleep too , since 8 a . m . or so . I 'm getting a little stressed about it , actually , because he really should eat again soon . It has been four hours since his second feeding , which was just shortly after 7 a . m . Anyway , I am still finding feeding him to be incredibly painful , but I think it has improved ever so slightly because now all I do is yell and hyperventilate every time he eats instead of bawling my eyes out for about 10 minutes each time . That 's progress , right ? Yesterday I took Micah to town by myself . We did a bit of shopping . I bought some Lilypadz to try out . They are nursing pads , but they stick to you , not your clothing . They are also reusable , so you don 't have to keep buying them . They also do not show under your clothes , so you don 't look like some kind of lumpy freak . I don 't like regular nursing pads , and I hate the way they look and feel . These Lilypadz can even be worn swimming ( not that I have anywhere to swim ) and they also eliminate the need for a bra aPosted by What to say ? In a nutshell , I am married to Mike and we now have three boys which is intimidating , but also amazing ! I have two cats : Cricket ( black and white ) and Tabu ( tabby ) , a black and white mini - lop named Oreo and a German Shepherd cross named Radar for his larger - than - life ears ! ( Trust me on that one ! ) I work for the government , but am currently on leave , taking care of my kids while they are small .

Today at the library I had a woman do that thing where they go , " Oh no ! That dog scared me ! " This is not the first time this has happened . It is kind of common . My dog was doing nothing but standing there quietly . And she wasn 't scared of him or she wouldn 't have hung around acting scared , you know ? of rude to look at someone who is disabled and say they are scary . She harrumphed . I just feel all fed up with people these days . Usually I ignore people who Isaac got a stuffed monkey named Bananas from his friend Mike for Christmas . Isaac grabbed him up right away , carrying him around and making him squeak . Isaac loves squeaky toys but hardly ever gets them because he usually de - squeaks them right away . Bananas has a squeaker in his belly , one in his head , and one in each of his legs . His hands have little velcro tabs so he can hang on to Isaac 's neck . It 's hilarious . Isaac loves him and carried him around and chewed on him and got him all slobbery . Isaac and I were on our way out to pee and one of Isaac 's favorite neighbors was in the lobby . She had a bag of apples with her , which Isaac wanted to sniff . She said , " Here , I " ll give you one . " She said she was going to give him one anyway and held one out to him and he took it . And then if he didn 't eat it . Almost all of it . A whole apple , not peeled or sliced or anything . He was cleaning up the little bits that fell out of his mouth onto the floor . He said it was yummy . I wish I 'd I had my eyes closed but I opened them when I heard heavy breathing . Isaac was standing over me , holding his Kong . When I made no move to take it from him and play , he decided to sit on me . I stopped by a local butcher yesterday to pick up some marrow bones for Isaac . I freeze them and he loves to gnaw on them . There is a butcher near my home that gives them to me for free . Yesterday , she also gave me a huge , disgusting knuckle bone . I resented the fact that I had to look up a phone number for the church and call them to ask if I could attend my friend 's memorial service . Of course , the person who answered the phone did not know . Remember a couple years ago when I wanted to attend midnight mass on Christmas Eve and kept getting people answering the phones at churches that did not know if I could attend or not ? So I had to leave a message for the person who would know . Fortunately she called me back the same day . And I was able to attend with Isaac . But I resented having to call . It was two days before the service and I needed to make plans because it was a six hour round trip for me to go and I had to reschedule a medical appointment and I needed to know whether or not I would be allowed to attend . And someone who is grieving should not have to deal with calling to ask , " Hey , can I come to the funeral or do you prefer not to have disabled people in your church ? " That 's not the way I phrased the question , but that 's basically what the question is . Now comes the really amazing part . In just four business days , a mandatory meeting / training session was scheduled for all employees of four different departments , including same day surgery and the PACU . The advocate told me one employee was absent the day of the meeting , so she was educated in a private meeting this morning . All employees were educated about the ADA and hospital policy . Some expressed concern that the PACU was a sterile area and they were told in to make . " They were informed of the two questions the ADA allows them to ask and told that if the handler answers those questions , the dog is allowed . They were also educated about when someone can be asked to remove a service dog , if the dog is disruptive or not housebroken . am told it is World AIDS Day today . My younger friends may not remember when AIDS was sweeping the country . Straight people may not have realized it as it was happening . Those days when , in the LGBT community , deaths were occurring again and again and again . People were literally wasting away . I did home health care back then and cared for many people with AIDS as they died . I watched person after person waste away , watched nurses and aides refuse to enter their rooms out of fear , even though they 'd taken the mandatory course on blood - borne pathogens and should have known they were safe . I have a question about how we deal with access disputes . Not about the legal aspect of it but the social implications , the ethics of it all . Let me see Or what if it is your friend 's birthday and you are going out to dinner with him and some other friends and you are denied access at the restaurant ? Or . . . you probably get the idea . In situations like these , do you just deal with the access dispute as you normally would ? Do you feel it 's the other person 's responsibility or place to deal with it ? Do you deal with it together ? Me : My friend 's doctor doesn 't ? May I speak to him , please ? He can call the ADA Info Line . They will be happy to explain the federal law to him . I ask who I would speak to in order to prevent this from happening again because " discriminating against visitors with disabilities is not OK . " I am told I should speak to the patient advocate . I ask for contact information and she says she 'll get it for me but she never does . I really feel like she did not give it to me on purpose , not that it was just an oversight , but that she did not want me to complain . Dude , that does not work with me . I can find that information . So yesterday I get online and look up a phone number for the patient advocate at this facility . And no , it was not that hard to find . I call and speak to someone who sounds appropriately concerned . SD , like an OR . I say yes , sterile areas , like an OR or a burn unit , where visitors would have to wear special clothing . But on this unit , visitors wore street clothes . I tell her the Dept of Justice says that 's not a sterile area and they can 't deny access and encourage her to call the ADA Info Line and ask for herself . She thanks me for clearing that up for her , says I answered her question about that . denied me access and gave me the run around when I asked who I could speak to about it . The head nurse of the unit my friend was on . The facility 's regulatory compliance person . She says that clearly their staff needs to be retrained on the ADA . She asks if she can call me back later in the week to let me know what progress she 's made . What made this access dispute the most upsetting ? Well , it had already been a long , stressful day . Other employees had been semi - rude or unhelpful - for instance , one refused to give me directions to the cafeteria because it was apparently to hard to explain how to get there . But also , it 's not like I could choose to go visit my friend at another health care facility . They were a patient at this facility . It 's not like if a fast food place denies access and you can just go down the street to another fast food place . Posted by and walk out . He was still waiting for the door in front of him to open again . I had to tell him to come with me . But after riding the elevator a couple times , he caught on . We 've been in that same elevator a total of six times now , I think , and the last two times , he remembered and faced the correct door . He learns so fast . But it 's also fun to watch him try to figure things out and he just had no idea elevators could have doors on both sides . hour or so after Isaac and I had stopped to take a lovely hike on a trail beside a beautiful lake . I was just getting ready to eat the other half of the sandwich I 'd packed for my lunch . After I 'd heard the news , I just sat there for a while . I remembered how my friend had sent me a box of dog toys and treats right after I got Isaac . One of the toys , a red thing made of the material fire hoses are made from ( and therefor almost indestructible ) , Isaac still has . He and Jamie play keep away with it . the road . I had about two hours still to go . And I needed to eat my sandwich . It 's so strange , how life goes on , you know ? She 'd asked if I could visit her soon . I 'd told her after the first of the year . I explained to her that the Americans with Disabilities Act says a service dog has to be on leash except if it must be off leash to do a task , and that even then , the handler should be right there and the dog should be under the control of the handler . I wanted to make sure she knew what the law says . She said the manager was worried the man would " get nasty " if they asked him to leave but she told the manager if that happened , they could just call the police . I told her that the ADA absolutely says they can ask someone to remove their dog if the dog is not under control and asked her what happened . Well , they told him the dog had to leave and he just I just took Isaac out to pee . Mid - tinkle , he spotted a deer walking across the street in our direction . He finished tinkling , then began to an idiot ( like Isaac was the idiot , I mean , not the deer ) . I informed Isaac that was what the deer was doing , but Isaac said no , the deer was paralyzed by fear of the ferocious dog . The ferocious dog 's momma then made him go inside for bed . Isaac and I were at the dog park and were getting ready to leave . His friend Clyde was leaving at the same time . Now , Isaac acts like such a labradork at the dog park , I usually do not tell people he is a service dog . I told his friend Iris 's dad and he looked at me like he did not believe me . Probably because I 'd just gotten done yelling at my dog to come back as he swam around the divider into the other section of the dog beach . Or maybe he because he still thinks Isaac does not know " drop " since he won 't drop a ball so you can throw it for him . Anyway . I pulled my car keys out of my pocket and my glove fell out . Clyde 's dad kind of chuckled , like he thought I was joking . " No , " I told him , " He 'll get it . " Meanwhile , Isaac was trying to sniff Clyde 's butt . I got his attention , pointed again , and said , " Get it for me . " And he did ! I often hear people talk about how dogs are not robots and they can have off days . That 's true ( although if a dog has a lot of off days , the dog might not be suited to be a service dog ) . I think the important thing as a service dog handler is how we deal with those off days . I had a doctor appointment first thing this morning and as I was stepping onto the scale to be weighed , he tried to sneak a sniff of the medical assistant 's feet . He doesn 't do that often , but it happens occasionally . What was different about today , though , is that he did not leave it immediately when I told him to . I stopped everything to deal with my dog . When I first got Isaac , I would have felt rushed by the MA waiting for me to get on the scale and felt like I should put off dealing with my dog and just get the weigh in over with . But I 've since decided I have to deal with dog issues right away . So I put him in a down stay , while the MA was saying " Oh , it 's OK , I don 't mind , he smells my dog , " etc . Once he was lying down , I got does that . I was getting concerned , but the rest of the appointment went OK . Had he continued to sniff and not follow commands fully , I would have rescheduled the appointment and left . When I got back home , I had some cleaning to do . He was whiny and kept asking for attention while I was cleaning , which is not really like him . I had planned to run some errands later on , but decided not to since he was clearly having an off day . I don 't know why he was having an off day . He does this sometimes when he hasn 't had enough exercise but he 's had lots of exercise the last few days . He has a minor ear infection , so maybe his ears are bothering him . I don 't know . But I decided not to take him on any errands since he was indicating he would have trouble behaving . Instead , we went for a long walk . If I hadn 't been able to put off my errands until tomorrow , I would have left him at home . And if he still seems off tomorrow , I think we 'll go see the vet to make sure his ear infection hasn 't gotten worse . He can 't tell me when he doesn 't feel well or needs a day off , except with his behavior . It 's up to me to pay attention to that and make sure his needs are being met . When we got to the dog park today , no one was there . It was very cloudy and foggy and damp . However , there was a squirrel running along the top of the fence and Isaac was very excited to see him and chased him a bit . Then Iris arrived , so we all headed down to the lake together . Isaac and Iris did a lot of fetching and Isaac shared one of his purple squeaky balls with her . Then other dogs started to arrive . Isaac got to play with a six - month - old Newfoundland puppy named she didn 't quite get what he was doing . However , just like last Sunday , Jamie ignored Isaac in favor of chasing the boat . Isaac swam along side him , barking loudly in his ear , and when that did not get his Now , Isaac tries that occasionally and Jamie says no way . Jamie also tries to hump Isaac occasionally and Isaac says no way . They don 't try it very often because they are pretty equally matched and neither are willing to be the humpee . Both prefer to be the humper . back . It did slow him down some , but he just did his best to go after the boat , with Isaac riding on his back . Pretty soon all the other dog owners were all yelling " Isaac ! Leave it ! " And of course , Isaac was not Her dad said , " Yes , but we can 't pet that dog . He 's working , " which was especially nice since Isaac was working naked . I 've found people can often tell he is a service dog by how he acts , even if he doesn 't have his vest on . And Isaac knows he is working even if he doesn 't have his vest on , based on where we are and how I am acting , I think . And then the medical assistant opened the door to the waiting room and called my name . Isaac has learned that when she calls me name , we get up and go into the back . So she called my name and Isaac jumped to him feet , all ready to go . Practically ready to go without me , he jumped up so fast . Sweetness over . in books on gardening and food preservation , plus we were in the adult section . Although she did pick out a book on making ice cream and showed it to me . It looked interesting . the kid was going to walk into my dog until it was too late . If Isaac had not been there , the kid would have ran into me . He walked ( backwards ) right into Isaac , tripped over him , and fell down . Kind of on top of my dog . I apologized to the kid and his mother , although I don 't think my dog was really in the way . I mean , he was as out of the way as he could be . But I wasn 't watching so I didn 't stop the kid before he tripped over my before and though they might look fat and slow , those things can move . He 's never come close to catching one , or anything else for that matter . Today he ran off into a field of soybeans and I didn 't even know he was chasing a groundhog until I called him and he came bounding out of the bean field with a big old groundhog in his mouth . Isaac gave it a big shake and I yelled at him to drop it . He looked at me like , " Seriously ? This is mine . " But he stopped shaking it and just stood there . I didn 't want him to run off with it so I told him to sit and he did . Then he just sat there looking at me with the groundhog in his mouth . I could see if was alive . I walked around Isaac to stand behind him , because I did not want him to drop it and then it run up my leg or something . I got behind Isaac and held his collar and told him again to I 'm like , " Yeah . They don 't give you one of these if you can 't see . " I guess they didn 't cover that in medical school . stay " and didn 't hear anything else . As soon as I was done , I called him and he came trotting , but not running , into the room where I was . Then when I started to walk out of the room , Isaac turned back to the tech that had watched him for me and said goodbye by nuzzling her hand for a second . It was cute . And he behaved very well . And no one asked Either the little boy didn 't understand or he wasn 't sure his dad was right , because he asked his dad again , " But why is the dog in the store ? Dogs aren 't allowed in the store . " His dad assured him this dog was allowed but the kid kept asking why . Isaac was a real butt at the dog park today . He embarrassed me . There were a couple other dogs , including his friend Josie , playing fetch at the lake . They were nice enough to share their balls with Isaac . Only Isaac would fetch the ball and then refuse to give it to a person to throw it again . He wanted to play tug with the ball , which does not work very well . He knows the commands " give " and " drop it " and he quickly loses interest or his attention is caught by something else and he drops the toy . But not today . He kept bumping the ball against my legs and hips , trying to get my attention . floats that you can fetch and Isaac talked his friend Quinn into playing tug with that . Well , you can guess what happened . It started to rip . Quinn 's dad told him to drop it and he did . But not my dog . Instead , he kept shaking it in Quinn 's face , trying to get him to tug some more . And then he put the toy on the ground , stood on it , and pulled on one end with his teeth , ripping it good . I apologized and asked the owner of the toy if I could replace it for him . He said that was OK but I don 't feel OK about it . I came home and found it on Amazon and ordered one , along with some balls to take to the lake with us . The toy Isaac ripped belongs to a black lab named Iris and we see her at the dog park almost every morning , so we will give her the toy when we see her again . Had a minor access dispute today when I went to Rite Aid for a flu shot . The pharmacist tried to tell me I could not take Isaac in the little consultation room where they usually give the flu shots . She asked if I could leave him ( unattended ! ) out by the pharmacy counter . Um , no ! Then she said she would come out front and give me my shot there . Now , I don 't feel like I need a lot of privacy to get a flu shot , the people that are not disabled ) get to have theirs in private in the consultation room . So I informed her that was not going to work either and that Isaac would join me in the consultation room for my shot . I am not sure why she did not want him in the consultation room . I think she may have been afraid of dogs , but she didn 't say that . She did , however , tell me she didn 't know " what kind of dog " he was and that their cars and the dogs are barking . I said " Well , the dogs are pets and they are in their cars . They aren 't allowed in the store . My dog is allowed in because he is a service dog . " She seemed like she did not understand the difference . But if she 'd said she was afraid of him , I might have considered other options . But she didn 't say she was afraid and I 'm not sure if that was the issue . She never did really explain . First , he got into an argument with his buddy Clyde . They normally get along well , and Clyde was in a great mood when he arrived at the dog park this morning . Clyde 's owner was sitting on a stump in the sun while Clyde was strolling around sniffing things , so Isaac decided it was a good time to go get some loving from Clyde 's owner . Isaac ended up practically in the guy 's lap , kissing him , which is not unusual for Isaac . However , Clyde took exception to Then this guy came with two dogs I 'd never seen before . Isaac expressed an interest in humping one of the dogs and the dog did not wish to be humped . Isaac backs off as soon as a dog tells him to , but this dog went after Isaac ever after Isaac had backed off . The owner had to grab the dog and pull him off Isaac . Isaac was not hurt at all , just had some slobber on his face from the dog , but he was pretty shaken The owner then took his two dogs down to the lake - where his dog promptly attacked another dog ! I don 't know what is wrong with some people . If your dog is aggressive , he should not be at the dog park ! their car . It was 93 degree here today , much too hot for a dog to be in the car . I went inside and asked , loudly , whose dog it was and no one answered . I announced , loudly , that it was too hot for a dog to be in the car and that the owner needed to take care of their dog or I would need to call the police . No one stepped forward , although several so I could see the license plate and got out my phone to call the police . Before I could dial , a man came out and headed toward the car . I asked if it was his car , he said yes , and I told him it was too hot to leave his dog in the car . He was mad and grumbled at me , but he got in his car and drove away . happy to serve him . I guess he didn 't want to take the dog home and she told him that not only would they not serve him while his dog was out in the car , but that if he didn 't take his dog home , she would be calling the police . That 's when he left . It was so hot . In addition to the heat , the humidity was high . Isaac and I had to wait about five minutes for the friend that goes with me to the food pantry to get finished , and I had the car doors open , provided him with a bowl of water , and was cooling him down with a spray bottle of water . I would not leave a dog in a car for five minutes in this weather . And it took about 45 minutes to get through the food pantry today . I think that guy 's dog would have been dead by then . Posted by So today I was at Kroger and my favorite brand of almond butter was on sale but there was none on the shelf . So I found a manager , and it so happened the manager of the store was walking around with the district manager , and they ended up giving me a larger jar for the sale price of the small jar . So I got a 16 . 99 jar of almond butter for 5 . 99 . Both managers were really receptive and immediately said " We can educate employees ! " So they are supposed to be training employees to watch for dogs in cars and to notify a manager if they see them . Then the manager So I was really happy with all of that . As I was talking with them , Isaac was sitting really nicely , looking pretty , being quite and well - behaved . And then . . . all of a sudden , I smelled something awful . And remembered . I gave Isaac rawhide I apologized for my dog 's awful gas . They both graciously said " Oh , it 's fine , it doesn 't matter , it 's not so bad . " They lied . It was bad . Real bad . Well , Isaac 's latest song is sung as we approach the dog park . It is set to the tune of " All the Gold in California . " If you don 't know the song , have a listen . On our recent camping trip , I experienced more access disputes with Isaac than I had experienced in the entire time I 'd had him up ' til then . And that is not an exaggeration . We were camping at a national park . I would have thought they see plenty of visitors with disabilities . Most of the facilities were pretty accessible and they certainly get a lot of traffic . And they are government employees . They should comply with federal laws , right ? Well . The Americans with Disabilities Act doesn 't apply to the National Park Service but section 504 of the Rehab Act does and it says pretty much the same thing . And the National Park Service has issues a statement saying they have aligned their policies regarding service dogs with the ADA . But apparently their employees have not all gotten the message . One day we ate lunch in the hotel that is in the park . Now , the hotel is not actually operated by the NPS , it 's a concession , and therefore the ADA does apply . Note that I was not able to determine this until after I 'd returned home and made multiple phone calls and found someone in charge of something who could tell me this . But anyway . The hostess told me that dogs were not allowed in the restaurant . I told her that he was a service dog so he was allowed . She said not in the restaurant because they serve food . I told her that the ADA says he is allowed . She kept saying she didn 't think so . Another employee went ahead and seated us . After I 'd ordered , I got on my phone and looked up the ADA Business Brief and then went back to the hostess to show her the law . She didn 't want to look at it and told me she 'd asked another employee who had told her service dogs are allowed . I asked her if her employer had not provided training on the ADA and she said she 'd been told service dogs were allowed in the hotel but not in the restaurant . Now , I figured how often in life to you have to walk over metal grates ? But I decided to work on it with him anyway . I mostly just wanted him to be able to walk on any surface . I wanted him to learn that there are many different surfaces on which to walk and different is not scary or dangerous . Fast forward to the first cave . We were maybe 15 minutes into the hour - long tour and we came to some steps . They were made from metal grates ! grates . Isaac hesitated , and I was afraid I was going to have to tell the tour guide I could not continue because my dog refused to go down those steps . I hadn 't even thought to bring any treats with me . grate that was much longer than the one we 'd practiced on , that stretched over some sort of almost - bottomless pit . And Isaac walked across that like it was nothing . No hesitation . Didn 't even have to think about it . The final cave was the Lost River Cave , with the boat . The boat dock was a metal grate . Isaac walked across it and got into a boat , the first time he 'd ever been in a boat , with no problem . Posted by Muscle spasm . I don 't have those as much as I used to since seeing the podiatrist and getting the shoe inserts and and increasing my potassium and stuff , but occasionally they are still bad . It was hard to take this pic because I was so busy cursing . On our recent camping trip , in addition to touring Mammoth Cave , we took a tour of Lost River Cave . It 's a cave with a river running through it and you can take a boat ride through the cave . That sounded like fun since it would be cool and also did not involve much walking . Isaac had never been on a boat before and I wasn 't sure how he 'd do . He didn 't hesitate when it came to getting on the boat , but the boat felt sort of wobbly or unsteady and he did not care for that . I could tell he wasn 't too pleased , but he still behaved well . I 'm not sure anyone else on the boat could tell he didn 't like it . Maybe the friend that was with us , who knows Isaac pretty well . and suffering . But it helps if we can find some meaning in a great loss , and if some good can come from this , then let it come . Let our tears of sorrow water seeds of hope . We reap what we sow , but we do not have to reap what one gunman tried to sow in Orlando . Let 's sow something else . Let 's sow love and peace and acceptance where he tried to plant hate . I have decided to contact my landlord , which is actually a fairly large property management company , and ask them to develop a written policy against discrimination against LGBT tenants , because they do not currently have one . They comply with the Fair Housing Act , which prohibits discrimination against people on the basis of race , religion , disability , etc . But does not include sexual orientation or gender identity . can be something little . Like saying " Hey , that 's not OK " the next time you hear a gay joke . Or it can be as big as writing President Obama telling him we need federal laws protecting LGBT people from discrimination . It isn 't so much what we do that for the dead . And we need to acknowledge that we fear for our own safety . But after the tears , we need to act . Action is what fights fear . And of course , it is what brings change . When Isaac and I arrived at the dog park this morning , we were both pleased to see two of his good friends were already there , Toby and Clyde . Toby is a labradoodle who loves to play chase and wrestles with Isaac . Clyde is a Saint Bernard / Rottie mix who is a bit older and doesn 't like the hot weather , so he often prefers to lie in the shade and watch instead of playing . I 'm not sure why Isaac likes him so much when he doesn 't play much , but he does . Well , Clyde 's owner told me that he likes to play tug so I have been driving around with Isaac 's rope toy in my van for a week now , hoping we 'd see Clyde at the dog park and they could have a game of tug . So I brought the rope in with us today . Isaac Clyde decided they were not interested in playing tug today for some reason , but Toby really really liked the rope and ran Then a new dog came and he went right to the rope and lifted his leg and peed on it . It 's all fun and games until someone pees on the toy , you know . Not one to be outdone ( or to lose in I considered gifting the peeing dog 's owner with the rope . I considered leaving it at the dog park for whomever to play with . I ended up bringing it home , thinking I might soak it in bleach water . But I might just toss it . Posted by to play with them , so he jumped in , too . I asked the owner if he wanted an extra dog but he did not , so Isaac had to get out of their SUV . The goldens thought it was unfair that Isaac got to get out but they didn 't . I wrote this poem about a year ago , on a day when I was feeling stressed about money . Fast forward to today and I am once again anxious about financial stuff . And once again , this poem seems fitting . Isaac and I went to the doggie beach today and I waded in the cool lake , feeling the sand under my bare toes , while he played with other dogs and ran and swam . Today at the dog park , Isaac and I met a very nice dog named Jake . Jake had a large area on his right side that had been shaved and his owner explained that he 'd had cancerous tumors surgically removed recently and went on to say that unfortunately , they 'd grown right back " fast and furious " and so Jake was scheduled to be euthanized tomorrow . She 'd decided that for his last day on this earth , they would go to the It was sunny and gorgeous at the lake today . Jake played fetch with a frisbee and swam and had a great time . His owner waded into the lake up to her knees and wiped away tears while she took picture after picture of him , so she could remember his last day . I stood in the hot sun and wiped away my own tears . The other dog owners and I told her how beautiful her boy was , and how brave and kind she was to let him go before he suffered too much , and how sorry we were . Me to the lady at the Medicaid office : I turned in the receipts to show I met my spend down on the 12th . Yesterday , I spoke to a supervisor who told me my card had finally been released . But the pharmacy tells me when they try to bill for the medication I should have Me : You understand I turned in my receipts on the 12th . Then I called on the 19th to find out why my card had not been released and was told it would be fixed within 48 hours . Then I called on the 23 , was told it still had not been released but would be fixed within 48 hours . Now it 's been another 72 hours and I still can 't use my Medicaid . And if you don 't fix it in a few days , it will be June and then the pharmacy won 't be able to bill for it because I won 't have met my spend down for June . Today at the dog park , another dog was playing fetch in the lake with a toy . The dog 's owner threw the toy , and both Isaac and the other dog took off after it . The other dog got to it first , so Isaac snatched it right out of the poor dog 's mouth . Isaac is an escape artist . When we go to the doggie beach , he amuses the other dog owners by demonstrating how he can swim around the barriers separating the small dog beach and the two big dog beaches . He can then swim around the barrier at the end and be out of the fenced dog park . After which he usually runs right up to the gate and waits impatiently for me to let him in . Because he wants to be inside the fenced area with all the dogs and the people . That 's where the fun is . It 's just fun to escape . Not to be outside the fenced area , just to escape from it . I 've only seen two other dogs ever swim around the barriers of their own accord , although Isaac has shown a number of other dogs to do it and encouraged their bad behavior . Other times , the dogs see him do it but still can 't figure it out . They just wonder how he suddenly got on the other side of the fence . One dog owner told me , " Plato thinks Isaac is magical . " Plato was her dog . He and Isaac had a great time playing together . The vet tech and the cardiologist both said multiple times how well - behaved Isaac was and I was a little surprised by that . I mean , he is well - behaved , but I figured since they were seeing only service dogs all day , all the dogs should have been pretty well - behaved . Apparently that was not the case . Posted by This guy in line behind us commented to someone else , " Look , that dog isn 't even barking or anything . He must be one of those Seeing Eye dogs . " Even if he was slightly confused about what a Seeing Eye dog is , he knew Isaac was a service dog based on his behavior . And if you didn 't know , a Seeing Eye dog is a guide dog for the blind , trained by a program called The Seeing Eye . It 's a brand name . It is similar to the way that Oreos are a type of cream - filled cookie , but not all cream - filled cookies are Oreos and not all cookies are cream - filled . Posted by I followed behind him , not nearly as fast , but I figured it was OK because he would just be at the fence by the other dog park . But I got over there and did not see him anywhere . I looked around , but no Isaac . Isaac is on antibiotics because of the dog bite , although it 's nearly healed now . I think he has three more days of antibiotics . He is supposed to take two capsules twice a day and they are not tiny capsules . Usually , to give him a pill , I poke a hole in the middle of a slice of hotdog and stick the pill in it . He gobbles up the hotdog and in the process , the pill gets swallowed . But these are big capsules . That wasn 't working so well . So I have been having him sit , prying his mouth open , sticking the pills in , then holding his chin at a tilt and rubbing his throat until he swallows them . I have to pry his mouth open because he won 't open it for me but here 's what 's funny . He happily follows me into the kitchen , tail wagging , and sits down to wait for the pills . After he takes the pills , he gets a bite of hotdog or hard boiled egg or something really yummy . So even though I have to pry open his mouth , he is happy to come into the kitchen and take him pills . He is a silly dog . I am careful about dog parks . I take Isaac to them , but we only go to those that are kept clean ( which not only means fewer germs around from dog poop but owners actually pay attention to their dogs there ) , we only go when they aren 't too crowded , and we leave if Isaac or another dog is not behaving appropriately . That means if Isaac decides he wants to hump another dog and he won 't knock it off , we leave . Even if we 've only been there 10 minutes . Yes , that happeneds But last week . There were only two other dogs there , both huskies , with different owners . One Isaac and I had seen there before . He is older , I think eight years or maybe 10 , and he likes to lie in the shade and watch the other dogs run around . He will play some but he is pretty calm and laid back . The other dog we had not seen before , but the two huskies appeared to be great friends . All three were getting along nicely for about an hour . Then Isaac and the husky we hadn 't seen before had a disagreement about something . I 'm not sure what . I am sure Isaac was not trying to hump the husky . I don 't think Isaac did anything to provoke the bite . But all over a sudden , they were snarling and going at each other . It was over quickly . Isaac looked OK and we left . I looked him over in the car before we drove away . I didn 't see any signs of injury . His face was dirty from playing and I wiped it off carefully , and then looked at the towel to see if there was any blood . There wasn 't . I decided he was not inured and we drove home . I was more upset that Isaac was , I think . It turned out he had three small puncture wounds on his face , one not too deep , the other two deeper . I admit to panicking a bit . I washed his face . I cried . I called the vet , only to find our vet had closed at noon that day . I couldn 't decide if it was an emergency or not , if I could call the emergency number or not . I thought about calling another nearby vet to see if I could get him in there that day , but felt overwhelmed at the prospect . I ended up calling the emergency number at Isaac 's regular vet . She loves to play in the water when I take a bath . She also enjoys drinking hot bath water . I know , she 's weird . But cute . I haven 't blogged much lately . I 'm not really sure why . I 've been busy and I 've had a sinus infection that just won 't go away . And I 've had some stress . Really , being sick is almost always stressful for me , but I 've had other stress , too . Like , Isaac was bitten by another dog at a dog park . That 's a whole separate post , but it was really stressful for me . More stressful for me than for him , I 'm pretty sure . This sinus infection has been going on for a good month now and I 'm just beginning to feel better . It really triggered my PTSD and I ended up very emotional and not sleeping much . At one point I was prescribed prednisone for the inflammation and it was higher dose than I 've been on in the past and I had horrible side effects from it . After only two doses , I was crying frequently and having flashbacks and nightmares and my anxiety was through the roof . After the third dose , it finally occurred to me that what was happening might possible be related to the meds I was on for the sinus infection . So the prednisone was discontinued and I 'm feeling less emotional but still not quite back to normal . Also , when I saw my rheumatologist back in March , she increased my gabapentin . I think it is just now finally starting to decrease my pain , but it is causing a lot of blurred vision and that is really driving me nuts . I am thinking I am not going to be able to stay on the higher dose . I just don 't think I can tolerate this blurriness . But I do want to get back to blogging and I have things I want to blog about , so hopefully I 'm back now . Isaac got to play in an agility tunnel at the dog park a couple days ago . It was his first time with a tunnel and at first he was hesitant . I tossed a treat in and he went in I said , " My eyes are fine . I think I have a sinus infection . " I was thinking , problems seeing are not common with sinus infections , right ? Several weeks ago , I took a friend to this church - run thrift shop to get some things for her son . The shop was small , crowded , and slightly musty - smelling . Isaac loved it . He found it full of enticing aromas and was unable to resist sniffing a bit . Oh , and they had a cat . A fat tabby cat , in the store . Isaac was very excited to see that . The cat , less so . She said she 'd fallen and injured herself , and I could see one eye was very swollen and bloodshot . I wasn 't sure it looked like it was from a fall , but what do I know ? It looked painful and I believed she 'd just come from the ER . She was still wearing then gave her the $ 20 as well . It just felt like the right thing to do . Whatever I would have spent that $ 20 on , I figure she needed that medication more . It just did not seem right to me that someone would be injured enough to go to the ER and then have to stand outside and beg for money to buy medication . There is something wrong with that . I do not want to live in a society that does that to someone . When I handed her the $ 20 bill , her eyes got teary . She asked if she could hug me and I hugged her and told her I was sorry it was so hard and sorry she had to do this to get the medicine she needs . She said , " It is hard . " She told me she has a job , not a good job but a job , but didn 't have any money until payday . Which apparently was not yesterday . She said she 'd gone to work that morning but had been in a lot of pain and also was having trouble seeing out of her injured eye . She also mentioned that the light was really bothering her eye . So she left work to go to the ER . She said they did a CT scan and other tests at the hospital and told her she really needed these medications . She was afraid of experiencing lasting damage to her eye if she didn 't get the medications . And this is not the world I want to live in . I want a better world , a kinder world . A world where people do not think it is OK for an injured person to have to beg on the street for money for medication .

Today at the library I had a woman do that thing where they go , " Oh no ! That dog scared me ! " This is not the first time this has happened . It is kind of common . My dog was doing nothing but standing there quietly . And she wasn 't scared of him or she wouldn 't have hung around acting scared , you know ? of rude to look at someone who is disabled and say they are scary . She harrumphed . I just feel all fed up with people these days . Usually I ignore people who Isaac got a stuffed monkey named Bananas from his friend Mike for Christmas . Isaac grabbed him up right away , carrying him around and making him squeak . Isaac loves squeaky toys but hardly ever gets them because he usually de - squeaks them right away . Bananas has a squeaker in his belly , one in his head , and one in each of his legs . His hands have little velcro tabs so he can hang on to Isaac 's neck . It 's hilarious . Isaac loves him and carried him around and chewed on him and got him all slobbery . Isaac and I were on our way out to pee and one of Isaac 's favorite neighbors was in the lobby . She had a bag of apples with her , which Isaac wanted to sniff . She said , " Here , I " ll give you one . " She said she was going to give him one anyway and held one out to him and he took it . And then if he didn 't eat it . Almost all of it . A whole apple , not peeled or sliced or anything . He was cleaning up the little bits that fell out of his mouth onto the floor . He said it was yummy . I wish I 'd I had my eyes closed but I opened them when I heard heavy breathing . Isaac was standing over me , holding his Kong . When I made no move to take it from him and play , he decided to sit on me . I stopped by a local butcher yesterday to pick up some marrow bones for Isaac . I freeze them and he loves to gnaw on them . There is a butcher near my home that gives them to me for free . Yesterday , she also gave me a huge , disgusting knuckle bone . I resented the fact that I had to look up a phone number for the church and call them to ask if I could attend my friend 's memorial service . Of course , the person who answered the phone did not know . Remember a couple years ago when I wanted to attend midnight mass on Christmas Eve and kept getting people answering the phones at churches that did not know if I could attend or not ? So I had to leave a message for the person who would know . Fortunately she called me back the same day . And I was able to attend with Isaac . But I resented having to call . It was two days before the service and I needed to make plans because it was a six hour round trip for me to go and I had to reschedule a medical appointment and I needed to know whether or not I would be allowed to attend . And someone who is grieving should not have to deal with calling to ask , " Hey , can I come to the funeral or do you prefer not to have disabled people in your church ? " That 's not the way I phrased the question , but that 's basically what the question is . Now comes the really amazing part . In just four business days , a mandatory meeting / training session was scheduled for all employees of four different departments , including same day surgery and the PACU . The advocate told me one employee was absent the day of the meeting , so she was educated in a private meeting this morning . All employees were educated about the ADA and hospital policy . Some expressed concern that the PACU was a sterile area and they were told in to make . " They were informed of the two questions the ADA allows them to ask and told that if the handler answers those questions , the dog is allowed . They were also educated about when someone can be asked to remove a service dog , if the dog is disruptive or not housebroken . am told it is World AIDS Day today . My younger friends may not remember when AIDS was sweeping the country . Straight people may not have realized it as it was happening . Those days when , in the LGBT community , deaths were occurring again and again and again . People were literally wasting away . I did home health care back then and cared for many people with AIDS as they died . I watched person after person waste away , watched nurses and aides refuse to enter their rooms out of fear , even though they 'd taken the mandatory course on blood - borne pathogens and should have known they were safe . I have a question about how we deal with access disputes . Not about the legal aspect of it but the social implications , the ethics of it all . Let me see Or what if it is your friend 's birthday and you are going out to dinner with him and some other friends and you are denied access at the restaurant ? Or . . . you probably get the idea . In situations like these , do you just deal with the access dispute as you normally would ? Do you feel it 's the other person 's responsibility or place to deal with it ? Do you deal with it together ? Me : My friend 's doctor doesn 't ? May I speak to him , please ? He can call the ADA Info Line . They will be happy to explain the federal law to him . I ask who I would speak to in order to prevent this from happening again because " discriminating against visitors with disabilities is not OK . " I am told I should speak to the patient advocate . I ask for contact information and she says she 'll get it for me but she never does . I really feel like she did not give it to me on purpose , not that it was just an oversight , but that she did not want me to complain . Dude , that does not work with me . I can find that information . So yesterday I get online and look up a phone number for the patient advocate at this facility . And no , it was not that hard to find . I call and speak to someone who sounds appropriately concerned . SD , like an OR . I say yes , sterile areas , like an OR or a burn unit , where visitors would have to wear special clothing . But on this unit , visitors wore street clothes . I tell her the Dept of Justice says that 's not a sterile area and they can 't deny access and encourage her to call the ADA Info Line and ask for herself . She thanks me for clearing that up for her , says I answered her question about that . denied me access and gave me the run around when I asked who I could speak to about it . The head nurse of the unit my friend was on . The facility 's regulatory compliance person . She says that clearly their staff needs to be retrained on the ADA . She asks if she can call me back later in the week to let me know what progress she 's made . What made this access dispute the most upsetting ? Well , it had already been a long , stressful day . Other employees had been semi - rude or unhelpful - for instance , one refused to give me directions to the cafeteria because it was apparently to hard to explain how to get there . But also , it 's not like I could choose to go visit my friend at another health care facility . They were a patient at this facility . It 's not like if a fast food place denies access and you can just go down the street to another fast food place . Posted by and walk out . He was still waiting for the door in front of him to open again . I had to tell him to come with me . But after riding the elevator a couple times , he caught on . We 've been in that same elevator a total of six times now , I think , and the last two times , he remembered and faced the correct door . He learns so fast . But it 's also fun to watch him try to figure things out and he just had no idea elevators could have doors on both sides . hour or so after Isaac and I had stopped to take a lovely hike on a trail beside a beautiful lake . I was just getting ready to eat the other half of the sandwich I 'd packed for my lunch . After I 'd heard the news , I just sat there for a while . I remembered how my friend had sent me a box of dog toys and treats right after I got Isaac . One of the toys , a red thing made of the material fire hoses are made from ( and therefor almost indestructible ) , Isaac still has . He and Jamie play keep away with it . the road . I had about two hours still to go . And I needed to eat my sandwich . It 's so strange , how life goes on , you know ? She 'd asked if I could visit her soon . I 'd told her after the first of the year . I explained to her that the Americans with Disabilities Act says a service dog has to be on leash except if it must be off leash to do a task , and that even then , the handler should be right there and the dog should be under the control of the handler . I wanted to make sure she knew what the law says . She said the manager was worried the man would " get nasty " if they asked him to leave but she told the manager if that happened , they could just call the police . I told her that the ADA absolutely says they can ask someone to remove their dog if the dog is not under control and asked her what happened . Well , they told him the dog had to leave and he just I just took Isaac out to pee . Mid - tinkle , he spotted a deer walking across the street in our direction . He finished tinkling , then began to an idiot ( like Isaac was the idiot , I mean , not the deer ) . I informed Isaac that was what the deer was doing , but Isaac said no , the deer was paralyzed by fear of the ferocious dog . The ferocious dog 's momma then made him go inside for bed . Isaac and I were at the dog park and were getting ready to leave . His friend Clyde was leaving at the same time . Now , Isaac acts like such a labradork at the dog park , I usually do not tell people he is a service dog . I told his friend Iris 's dad and he looked at me like he did not believe me . Probably because I 'd just gotten done yelling at my dog to come back as he swam around the divider into the other section of the dog beach . Or maybe he because he still thinks Isaac does not know " drop " since he won 't drop a ball so you can throw it for him . Anyway . I pulled my car keys out of my pocket and my glove fell out . Clyde 's dad kind of chuckled , like he thought I was joking . " No , " I told him , " He 'll get it . " Meanwhile , Isaac was trying to sniff Clyde 's butt . I got his attention , pointed again , and said , " Get it for me . " And he did ! I often hear people talk about how dogs are not robots and they can have off days . That 's true ( although if a dog has a lot of off days , the dog might not be suited to be a service dog ) . I think the important thing as a service dog handler is how we deal with those off days . I had a doctor appointment first thing this morning and as I was stepping onto the scale to be weighed , he tried to sneak a sniff of the medical assistant 's feet . He doesn 't do that often , but it happens occasionally . What was different about today , though , is that he did not leave it immediately when I told him to . I stopped everything to deal with my dog . When I first got Isaac , I would have felt rushed by the MA waiting for me to get on the scale and felt like I should put off dealing with my dog and just get the weigh in over with . But I 've since decided I have to deal with dog issues right away . So I put him in a down stay , while the MA was saying " Oh , it 's OK , I don 't mind , he smells my dog , " etc . Once he was lying down , I got does that . I was getting concerned , but the rest of the appointment went OK . Had he continued to sniff and not follow commands fully , I would have rescheduled the appointment and left . When I got back home , I had some cleaning to do . He was whiny and kept asking for attention while I was cleaning , which is not really like him . I had planned to run some errands later on , but decided not to since he was clearly having an off day . I don 't know why he was having an off day . He does this sometimes when he hasn 't had enough exercise but he 's had lots of exercise the last few days . He has a minor ear infection , so maybe his ears are bothering him . I don 't know . But I decided not to take him on any errands since he was indicating he would have trouble behaving . Instead , we went for a long walk . If I hadn 't been able to put off my errands until tomorrow , I would have left him at home . And if he still seems off tomorrow , I think we 'll go see the vet to make sure his ear infection hasn 't gotten worse . He can 't tell me when he doesn 't feel well or needs a day off , except with his behavior . It 's up to me to pay attention to that and make sure his needs are being met . When we got to the dog park today , no one was there . It was very cloudy and foggy and damp . However , there was a squirrel running along the top of the fence and Isaac was very excited to see him and chased him a bit . Then Iris arrived , so we all headed down to the lake together . Isaac and Iris did a lot of fetching and Isaac shared one of his purple squeaky balls with her . Then other dogs started to arrive . Isaac got to play with a six - month - old Newfoundland puppy named she didn 't quite get what he was doing . However , just like last Sunday , Jamie ignored Isaac in favor of chasing the boat . Isaac swam along side him , barking loudly in his ear , and when that did not get his Now , Isaac tries that occasionally and Jamie says no way . Jamie also tries to hump Isaac occasionally and Isaac says no way . They don 't try it very often because they are pretty equally matched and neither are willing to be the humpee . Both prefer to be the humper . back . It did slow him down some , but he just did his best to go after the boat , with Isaac riding on his back . Pretty soon all the other dog owners were all yelling " Isaac ! Leave it ! " And of course , Isaac was not Her dad said , " Yes , but we can 't pet that dog . He 's working , " which was especially nice since Isaac was working naked . I 've found people can often tell he is a service dog by how he acts , even if he doesn 't have his vest on . And Isaac knows he is working even if he doesn 't have his vest on , based on where we are and how I am acting , I think . And then the medical assistant opened the door to the waiting room and called my name . Isaac has learned that when she calls me name , we get up and go into the back . So she called my name and Isaac jumped to him feet , all ready to go . Practically ready to go without me , he jumped up so fast . Sweetness over . in books on gardening and food preservation , plus we were in the adult section . Although she did pick out a book on making ice cream and showed it to me . It looked interesting . the kid was going to walk into my dog until it was too late . If Isaac had not been there , the kid would have ran into me . He walked ( backwards ) right into Isaac , tripped over him , and fell down . Kind of on top of my dog . I apologized to the kid and his mother , although I don 't think my dog was really in the way . I mean , he was as out of the way as he could be . But I wasn 't watching so I didn 't stop the kid before he tripped over my before and though they might look fat and slow , those things can move . He 's never come close to catching one , or anything else for that matter . Today he ran off into a field of soybeans and I didn 't even know he was chasing a groundhog until I called him and he came bounding out of the bean field with a big old groundhog in his mouth . Isaac gave it a big shake and I yelled at him to drop it . He looked at me like , " Seriously ? This is mine . " But he stopped shaking it and just stood there . I didn 't want him to run off with it so I told him to sit and he did . Then he just sat there looking at me with the groundhog in his mouth . I could see if was alive . I walked around Isaac to stand behind him , because I did not want him to drop it and then it run up my leg or something . I got behind Isaac and held his collar and told him again to I 'm like , " Yeah . They don 't give you one of these if you can 't see . " I guess they didn 't cover that in medical school . stay " and didn 't hear anything else . As soon as I was done , I called him and he came trotting , but not running , into the room where I was . Then when I started to walk out of the room , Isaac turned back to the tech that had watched him for me and said goodbye by nuzzling her hand for a second . It was cute . And he behaved very well . And no one asked Either the little boy didn 't understand or he wasn 't sure his dad was right , because he asked his dad again , " But why is the dog in the store ? Dogs aren 't allowed in the store . " His dad assured him this dog was allowed but the kid kept asking why . Isaac was a real butt at the dog park today . He embarrassed me . There were a couple other dogs , including his friend Josie , playing fetch at the lake . They were nice enough to share their balls with Isaac . Only Isaac would fetch the ball and then refuse to give it to a person to throw it again . He wanted to play tug with the ball , which does not work very well . He knows the commands " give " and " drop it " and he quickly loses interest or his attention is caught by something else and he drops the toy . But not today . He kept bumping the ball against my legs and hips , trying to get my attention . floats that you can fetch and Isaac talked his friend Quinn into playing tug with that . Well , you can guess what happened . It started to rip . Quinn 's dad told him to drop it and he did . But not my dog . Instead , he kept shaking it in Quinn 's face , trying to get him to tug some more . And then he put the toy on the ground , stood on it , and pulled on one end with his teeth , ripping it good . I apologized and asked the owner of the toy if I could replace it for him . He said that was OK but I don 't feel OK about it . I came home and found it on Amazon and ordered one , along with some balls to take to the lake with us . The toy Isaac ripped belongs to a black lab named Iris and we see her at the dog park almost every morning , so we will give her the toy when we see her again . Had a minor access dispute today when I went to Rite Aid for a flu shot . The pharmacist tried to tell me I could not take Isaac in the little consultation room where they usually give the flu shots . She asked if I could leave him ( unattended ! ) out by the pharmacy counter . Um , no ! Then she said she would come out front and give me my shot there . Now , I don 't feel like I need a lot of privacy to get a flu shot , the people that are not disabled ) get to have theirs in private in the consultation room . So I informed her that was not going to work either and that Isaac would join me in the consultation room for my shot . I am not sure why she did not want him in the consultation room . I think she may have been afraid of dogs , but she didn 't say that . She did , however , tell me she didn 't know " what kind of dog " he was and that their cars and the dogs are barking . I said " Well , the dogs are pets and they are in their cars . They aren 't allowed in the store . My dog is allowed in because he is a service dog . " She seemed like she did not understand the difference . But if she 'd said she was afraid of him , I might have considered other options . But she didn 't say she was afraid and I 'm not sure if that was the issue . She never did really explain . First , he got into an argument with his buddy Clyde . They normally get along well , and Clyde was in a great mood when he arrived at the dog park this morning . Clyde 's owner was sitting on a stump in the sun while Clyde was strolling around sniffing things , so Isaac decided it was a good time to go get some loving from Clyde 's owner . Isaac ended up practically in the guy 's lap , kissing him , which is not unusual for Isaac . However , Clyde took exception to Then this guy came with two dogs I 'd never seen before . Isaac expressed an interest in humping one of the dogs and the dog did not wish to be humped . Isaac backs off as soon as a dog tells him to , but this dog went after Isaac ever after Isaac had backed off . The owner had to grab the dog and pull him off Isaac . Isaac was not hurt at all , just had some slobber on his face from the dog , but he was pretty shaken The owner then took his two dogs down to the lake - where his dog promptly attacked another dog ! I don 't know what is wrong with some people . If your dog is aggressive , he should not be at the dog park ! their car . It was 93 degree here today , much too hot for a dog to be in the car . I went inside and asked , loudly , whose dog it was and no one answered . I announced , loudly , that it was too hot for a dog to be in the car and that the owner needed to take care of their dog or I would need to call the police . No one stepped forward , although several so I could see the license plate and got out my phone to call the police . Before I could dial , a man came out and headed toward the car . I asked if it was his car , he said yes , and I told him it was too hot to leave his dog in the car . He was mad and grumbled at me , but he got in his car and drove away . happy to serve him . I guess he didn 't want to take the dog home and she told him that not only would they not serve him while his dog was out in the car , but that if he didn 't take his dog home , she would be calling the police . That 's when he left . It was so hot . In addition to the heat , the humidity was high . Isaac and I had to wait about five minutes for the friend that goes with me to the food pantry to get finished , and I had the car doors open , provided him with a bowl of water , and was cooling him down with a spray bottle of water . I would not leave a dog in a car for five minutes in this weather . And it took about 45 minutes to get through the food pantry today . I think that guy 's dog would have been dead by then . Posted by So today I was at Kroger and my favorite brand of almond butter was on sale but there was none on the shelf . So I found a manager , and it so happened the manager of the store was walking around with the district manager , and they ended up giving me a larger jar for the sale price of the small jar . So I got a 16 . 99 jar of almond butter for 5 . 99 . Both managers were really receptive and immediately said " We can educate employees ! " So they are supposed to be training employees to watch for dogs in cars and to notify a manager if they see them . Then the manager So I was really happy with all of that . As I was talking with them , Isaac was sitting really nicely , looking pretty , being quite and well - behaved . And then . . . all of a sudden , I smelled something awful . And remembered . I gave Isaac rawhide I apologized for my dog 's awful gas . They both graciously said " Oh , it 's fine , it doesn 't matter , it 's not so bad . " They lied . It was bad . Real bad . Well , Isaac 's latest song is sung as we approach the dog park . It is set to the tune of " All the Gold in California . " If you don 't know the song , have a listen . On our recent camping trip , I experienced more access disputes with Isaac than I had experienced in the entire time I 'd had him up ' til then . And that is not an exaggeration . We were camping at a national park . I would have thought they see plenty of visitors with disabilities . Most of the facilities were pretty accessible and they certainly get a lot of traffic . And they are government employees . They should comply with federal laws , right ? Well . The Americans with Disabilities Act doesn 't apply to the National Park Service but section 504 of the Rehab Act does and it says pretty much the same thing . And the National Park Service has issues a statement saying they have aligned their policies regarding service dogs with the ADA . But apparently their employees have not all gotten the message . One day we ate lunch in the hotel that is in the park . Now , the hotel is not actually operated by the NPS , it 's a concession , and therefore the ADA does apply . Note that I was not able to determine this until after I 'd returned home and made multiple phone calls and found someone in charge of something who could tell me this . But anyway . The hostess told me that dogs were not allowed in the restaurant . I told her that he was a service dog so he was allowed . She said not in the restaurant because they serve food . I told her that the ADA says he is allowed . She kept saying she didn 't think so . Another employee went ahead and seated us . After I 'd ordered , I got on my phone and looked up the ADA Business Brief and then went back to the hostess to show her the law . She didn 't want to look at it and told me she 'd asked another employee who had told her service dogs are allowed . I asked her if her employer had not provided training on the ADA and she said she 'd been told service dogs were allowed in the hotel but not in the restaurant . Now , I figured how often in life to you have to walk over metal grates ? But I decided to work on it with him anyway . I mostly just wanted him to be able to walk on any surface . I wanted him to learn that there are many different surfaces on which to walk and different is not scary or dangerous . Fast forward to the first cave . We were maybe 15 minutes into the hour - long tour and we came to some steps . They were made from metal grates ! grates . Isaac hesitated , and I was afraid I was going to have to tell the tour guide I could not continue because my dog refused to go down those steps . I hadn 't even thought to bring any treats with me . grate that was much longer than the one we 'd practiced on , that stretched over some sort of almost - bottomless pit . And Isaac walked across that like it was nothing . No hesitation . Didn 't even have to think about it . The final cave was the Lost River Cave , with the boat . The boat dock was a metal grate . Isaac walked across it and got into a boat , the first time he 'd ever been in a boat , with no problem . Posted by Muscle spasm . I don 't have those as much as I used to since seeing the podiatrist and getting the shoe inserts and and increasing my potassium and stuff , but occasionally they are still bad . It was hard to take this pic because I was so busy cursing . On our recent camping trip , in addition to touring Mammoth Cave , we took a tour of Lost River Cave . It 's a cave with a river running through it and you can take a boat ride through the cave . That sounded like fun since it would be cool and also did not involve much walking . Isaac had never been on a boat before and I wasn 't sure how he 'd do . He didn 't hesitate when it came to getting on the boat , but the boat felt sort of wobbly or unsteady and he did not care for that . I could tell he wasn 't too pleased , but he still behaved well . I 'm not sure anyone else on the boat could tell he didn 't like it . Maybe the friend that was with us , who knows Isaac pretty well . and suffering . But it helps if we can find some meaning in a great loss , and if some good can come from this , then let it come . Let our tears of sorrow water seeds of hope . We reap what we sow , but we do not have to reap what one gunman tried to sow in Orlando . Let 's sow something else . Let 's sow love and peace and acceptance where he tried to plant hate . I have decided to contact my landlord , which is actually a fairly large property management company , and ask them to develop a written policy against discrimination against LGBT tenants , because they do not currently have one . They comply with the Fair Housing Act , which prohibits discrimination against people on the basis of race , religion , disability , etc . But does not include sexual orientation or gender identity . can be something little . Like saying " Hey , that 's not OK " the next time you hear a gay joke . Or it can be as big as writing President Obama telling him we need federal laws protecting LGBT people from discrimination . It isn 't so much what we do that for the dead . And we need to acknowledge that we fear for our own safety . But after the tears , we need to act . Action is what fights fear . And of course , it is what brings change . When Isaac and I arrived at the dog park this morning , we were both pleased to see two of his good friends were already there , Toby and Clyde . Toby is a labradoodle who loves to play chase and wrestles with Isaac . Clyde is a Saint Bernard / Rottie mix who is a bit older and doesn 't like the hot weather , so he often prefers to lie in the shade and watch instead of playing . I 'm not sure why Isaac likes him so much when he doesn 't play much , but he does . Well , Clyde 's owner told me that he likes to play tug so I have been driving around with Isaac 's rope toy in my van for a week now , hoping we 'd see Clyde at the dog park and they could have a game of tug . So I brought the rope in with us today . Isaac Clyde decided they were not interested in playing tug today for some reason , but Toby really really liked the rope and ran Then a new dog came and he went right to the rope and lifted his leg and peed on it . It 's all fun and games until someone pees on the toy , you know . Not one to be outdone ( or to lose in I considered gifting the peeing dog 's owner with the rope . I considered leaving it at the dog park for whomever to play with . I ended up bringing it home , thinking I might soak it in bleach water . But I might just toss it . Posted by to play with them , so he jumped in , too . I asked the owner if he wanted an extra dog but he did not , so Isaac had to get out of their SUV . The goldens thought it was unfair that Isaac got to get out but they didn 't . I wrote this poem about a year ago , on a day when I was feeling stressed about money . Fast forward to today and I am once again anxious about financial stuff . And once again , this poem seems fitting . Isaac and I went to the doggie beach today and I waded in the cool lake , feeling the sand under my bare toes , while he played with other dogs and ran and swam . Today at the dog park , Isaac and I met a very nice dog named Jake . Jake had a large area on his right side that had been shaved and his owner explained that he 'd had cancerous tumors surgically removed recently and went on to say that unfortunately , they 'd grown right back " fast and furious " and so Jake was scheduled to be euthanized tomorrow . She 'd decided that for his last day on this earth , they would go to the It was sunny and gorgeous at the lake today . Jake played fetch with a frisbee and swam and had a great time . His owner waded into the lake up to her knees and wiped away tears while she took picture after picture of him , so she could remember his last day . I stood in the hot sun and wiped away my own tears . The other dog owners and I told her how beautiful her boy was , and how brave and kind she was to let him go before he suffered too much , and how sorry we were . Me to the lady at the Medicaid office : I turned in the receipts to show I met my spend down on the 12th . Yesterday , I spoke to a supervisor who told me my card had finally been released . But the pharmacy tells me when they try to bill for the medication I should have Me : You understand I turned in my receipts on the 12th . Then I called on the 19th to find out why my card had not been released and was told it would be fixed within 48 hours . Then I called on the 23 , was told it still had not been released but would be fixed within 48 hours . Now it 's been another 72 hours and I still can 't use my Medicaid . And if you don 't fix it in a few days , it will be June and then the pharmacy won 't be able to bill for it because I won 't have met my spend down for June . Today at the dog park , another dog was playing fetch in the lake with a toy . The dog 's owner threw the toy , and both Isaac and the other dog took off after it . The other dog got to it first , so Isaac snatched it right out of the poor dog 's mouth . Isaac is an escape artist . When we go to the doggie beach , he amuses the other dog owners by demonstrating how he can swim around the barriers separating the small dog beach and the two big dog beaches . He can then swim around the barrier at the end and be out of the fenced dog park . After which he usually runs right up to the gate and waits impatiently for me to let him in . Because he wants to be inside the fenced area with all the dogs and the people . That 's where the fun is . It 's just fun to escape . Not to be outside the fenced area , just to escape from it . I 've only seen two other dogs ever swim around the barriers of their own accord , although Isaac has shown a number of other dogs to do it and encouraged their bad behavior . Other times , the dogs see him do it but still can 't figure it out . They just wonder how he suddenly got on the other side of the fence . One dog owner told me , " Plato thinks Isaac is magical . " Plato was her dog . He and Isaac had a great time playing together . The vet tech and the cardiologist both said multiple times how well - behaved Isaac was and I was a little surprised by that . I mean , he is well - behaved , but I figured since they were seeing only service dogs all day , all the dogs should have been pretty well - behaved . Apparently that was not the case . Posted by This guy in line behind us commented to someone else , " Look , that dog isn 't even barking or anything . He must be one of those Seeing Eye dogs . " Even if he was slightly confused about what a Seeing Eye dog is , he knew Isaac was a service dog based on his behavior . And if you didn 't know , a Seeing Eye dog is a guide dog for the blind , trained by a program called The Seeing Eye . It 's a brand name . It is similar to the way that Oreos are a type of cream - filled cookie , but not all cream - filled cookies are Oreos and not all cookies are cream - filled . Posted by I followed behind him , not nearly as fast , but I figured it was OK because he would just be at the fence by the other dog park . But I got over there and did not see him anywhere . I looked around , but no Isaac . Isaac is on antibiotics because of the dog bite , although it 's nearly healed now . I think he has three more days of antibiotics . He is supposed to take two capsules twice a day and they are not tiny capsules . Usually , to give him a pill , I poke a hole in the middle of a slice of hotdog and stick the pill in it . He gobbles up the hotdog and in the process , the pill gets swallowed . But these are big capsules . That wasn 't working so well . So I have been having him sit , prying his mouth open , sticking the pills in , then holding his chin at a tilt and rubbing his throat until he swallows them . I have to pry his mouth open because he won 't open it for me but here 's what 's funny . He happily follows me into the kitchen , tail wagging , and sits down to wait for the pills . After he takes the pills , he gets a bite of hotdog or hard boiled egg or something really yummy . So even though I have to pry open his mouth , he is happy to come into the kitchen and take him pills . He is a silly dog . I am careful about dog parks . I take Isaac to them , but we only go to those that are kept clean ( which not only means fewer germs around from dog poop but owners actually pay attention to their dogs there ) , we only go when they aren 't too crowded , and we leave if Isaac or another dog is not behaving appropriately . That means if Isaac decides he wants to hump another dog and he won 't knock it off , we leave . Even if we 've only been there 10 minutes . Yes , that happeneds But last week . There were only two other dogs there , both huskies , with different owners . One Isaac and I had seen there before . He is older , I think eight years or maybe 10 , and he likes to lie in the shade and watch the other dogs run around . He will play some but he is pretty calm and laid back . The other dog we had not seen before , but the two huskies appeared to be great friends . All three were getting along nicely for about an hour . Then Isaac and the husky we hadn 't seen before had a disagreement about something . I 'm not sure what . I am sure Isaac was not trying to hump the husky . I don 't think Isaac did anything to provoke the bite . But all over a sudden , they were snarling and going at each other . It was over quickly . Isaac looked OK and we left . I looked him over in the car before we drove away . I didn 't see any signs of injury . His face was dirty from playing and I wiped it off carefully , and then looked at the towel to see if there was any blood . There wasn 't . I decided he was not inured and we drove home . I was more upset that Isaac was , I think . It turned out he had three small puncture wounds on his face , one not too deep , the other two deeper . I admit to panicking a bit . I washed his face . I cried . I called the vet , only to find our vet had closed at noon that day . I couldn 't decide if it was an emergency or not , if I could call the emergency number or not . I thought about calling another nearby vet to see if I could get him in there that day , but felt overwhelmed at the prospect . I ended up calling the emergency number at Isaac 's regular vet . She loves to play in the water when I take a bath . She also enjoys drinking hot bath water . I know , she 's weird . But cute . I haven 't blogged much lately . I 'm not really sure why . I 've been busy and I 've had a sinus infection that just won 't go away . And I 've had some stress . Really , being sick is almost always stressful for me , but I 've had other stress , too . Like , Isaac was bitten by another dog at a dog park . That 's a whole separate post , but it was really stressful for me . More stressful for me than for him , I 'm pretty sure . This sinus infection has been going on for a good month now and I 'm just beginning to feel better . It really triggered my PTSD and I ended up very emotional and not sleeping much . At one point I was prescribed prednisone for the inflammation and it was higher dose than I 've been on in the past and I had horrible side effects from it . After only two doses , I was crying frequently and having flashbacks and nightmares and my anxiety was through the roof . After the third dose , it finally occurred to me that what was happening might possible be related to the meds I was on for the sinus infection . So the prednisone was discontinued and I 'm feeling less emotional but still not quite back to normal . Also , when I saw my rheumatologist back in March , she increased my gabapentin . I think it is just now finally starting to decrease my pain , but it is causing a lot of blurred vision and that is really driving me nuts . I am thinking I am not going to be able to stay on the higher dose . I just don 't think I can tolerate this blurriness . But I do want to get back to blogging and I have things I want to blog about , so hopefully I 'm back now . Isaac got to play in an agility tunnel at the dog park a couple days ago . It was his first time with a tunnel and at first he was hesitant . I tossed a treat in and he went in I said , " My eyes are fine . I think I have a sinus infection . " I was thinking , problems seeing are not common with sinus infections , right ? Several weeks ago , I took a friend to this church - run thrift shop to get some things for her son . The shop was small , crowded , and slightly musty - smelling . Isaac loved it . He found it full of enticing aromas and was unable to resist sniffing a bit . Oh , and they had a cat . A fat tabby cat , in the store . Isaac was very excited to see that . The cat , less so . She said she 'd fallen and injured herself , and I could see one eye was very swollen and bloodshot . I wasn 't sure it looked like it was from a fall , but what do I know ? It looked painful and I believed she 'd just come from the ER . She was still wearing then gave her the $ 20 as well . It just felt like the right thing to do . Whatever I would have spent that $ 20 on , I figure she needed that medication more . It just did not seem right to me that someone would be injured enough to go to the ER and then have to stand outside and beg for money to buy medication . There is something wrong with that . I do not want to live in a society that does that to someone . When I handed her the $ 20 bill , her eyes got teary . She asked if she could hug me and I hugged her and told her I was sorry it was so hard and sorry she had to do this to get the medicine she needs . She said , " It is hard . " She told me she has a job , not a good job but a job , but didn 't have any money until payday . Which apparently was not yesterday . She said she 'd gone to work that morning but had been in a lot of pain and also was having trouble seeing out of her injured eye . She also mentioned that the light was really bothering her eye . So she left work to go to the ER . She said they did a CT scan and other tests at the hospital and told her she really needed these medications . She was afraid of experiencing lasting damage to her eye if she didn 't get the medications . And this is not the world I want to live in . I want a better world , a kinder world . A world where people do not think it is OK for an injured person to have to beg on the street for money for medication .

Raggylug , or Rag , was the name of a young cottontail rabbit . Ho got this name because he had a torn and ragged ear , the result of his first adventure . He lived with his mother in Mr . Olifant 's swamp , where I became acquainted with them and learned their life and ways . Perhaps , when you read this story , you will think that I have made the animals too much like human beings . But those who have lived near them and studied their ways and their minds will not think so . Of course , rabbits cannot speak as we do , but they have a system of sounds , signs , scents and movements , by means of which they understand each other . In this story I translate from the rabbit language into the English language , and I do not say anything that they did not say . The swamp grass concealed the nest where Raggylug lay . When his mother had to go away , she covered him with some of this grass and , as always , she told him , in Rabbit language , to « lay low » , that is , not to move or make a sound . For some time he lay still and , with his bright eyes , looked at that part of the little green world that was straight above him . Then a blue jay and a squirrel began to quarrel , and soon the bush under which Rag lay became the centre of their fight , A little yellow bird caught a blue butterfly over Raggylug 's nose , and a black and red ladybug walked across the nest and over Rag 's face , - yet he did not move . After a while he heard a strange movement among the leaves of a bush near him . It was a strange sound , and although he heard something move this way and that way , and although the sound came nearer and nearer , there was no sound of feet . Rag was only three weeks old , and he was curious to see what it was that moved without feet . The strange noise continued , first to the right , then to the left , and then back . Raggylug raised his fat little body on his short legs , lifted his little round head above the nest and peeped out into the woods . The sound stopped as soon as he moved . He saw nothing , so he took one step forward and looked about him . At once a big black snake seized him by the ear . « Mammy , » he screamed in terror . He was helpless in the grasp of the cruel snake . But Raggy 's mother heard the cry , and she came flying through the woods to save her baby . The mother 's love filled her with the courage of a hero . Hop , she jumped over that terrible snake . Then - whack , she struck him with her sharp hind claws as she passed . The snake hissed with pain and anger . Mammy leaped again and again and struck harder and harder , until the snake let go Raggy 's ear and tried to bite the old rabbit . He got only a mouthful of fur each time , but mammy 's blows tore his skin in many places . The snake prepared himself for another attack . Now little Raggylug quickly ran into the bush . He was terribly frightened , but not hurt , except that his left ear was torn by the teeth of the snake . That was his first adventure . Molly - that was the name of Rag 's mother - did not want to fight any more when she saw that her little one was safe . So she ran as fast as she could into the woods , with Rag close behind her . Soon they were safe in the swamp . All round old Olifant 's swamp there were large fields . Crossing these fields , there were the tracks of a bad fox that lived too near the swamp where Molly and Rag lived . Rag and his mother had no neighbours , and their nearest relations were dead . The swamp was their home , - they had no other home . Molly was a good little mother and gave her son a careful upbringing . Rag never forgot the first lesson she taught him , and he never forgot his adventure with the snake . After that he always did as she told him . The second lesson he learned was « freeze » , and he learned it as soon as he could run . « Freezing » means to do nothing , to turn into a statue . When an enemy is near , a cottontail will immediately stop all movement , because the creatures of the wood are of the same colour as the things in the wood , and no one can see them until they move . Thus the rabbit has some time in which he can prepare for attack or for escape . All animals learn this trick of « freezing » , but not one of them could do it better than Molly Cottontail . Rag 's mother taught him this trick . When Molly ran through the woods , Rag ran hard to keep up with her . And when she suddenly stopped and « froze » , he did the same . The best lesson of all that Rag learned from his mother was the secret of the Brierbush . « The Brierbush , » she said , « is your best friend . » And this is the story of the Brierbush : « Long ago the Roses grew on bushes that had no thorns . But the squirrels and mice , the cattle and other animals knocked the roses off with their horns , or with their long tails , or with their sharp hoofs . So the Brierbush armed itself with thorns to protect the roses , and declared war on all creatures that climbed trees , or had horns , or hoofs , or long tails . The only friend the Brierbush had was Molly Cottontail , who could not climb , had no horns or hoofs , and hardly any tail at all . So when a rabbit is in danger , he runs to the nearest Brierbush , and knows that it is ready to defend him with a million sharp daggers . » That season Rag also learned to know the land around the swamp . He learned this lesson so well that he could go all around the swamp by two different ways and still be near his friend the Brierbush all the time . Soon after that Mr . Olifant brought a new kind of thorn and planted it in long lines everywhere . It was so strong and sharp that none of the wild animals could break it down . But Molly Cottontail was not afraid of it , because it was only a new kind of Brierbush , and she lived in peace with her son under the new thorns . The name of this terrible new thorn was the barbed - wire fence . Molly had no other children , so Rag received all her care . He was very quick and bright as well as strong and he got on very well . All the season she taught him the tricks of the trail , what to eat and drink and what not to touch . He sat close by her side in the field or the thicket , and did what she did . Thus he learned to comb his ears with his claws and to wash his fur , and to pick the burs out of his fur and feet . He learned also that only the dewdrops from the Brier - bushes were good for a rabbit to drink , as water which has touched the earth usually had some poison in it . As soon as Rag was big enough to go out alone , his mother taught him the signal code . Rabbits have a system of thumps by means of which they send messages to each other . Along the ground sound carries far , and since rabbits have very good hearing , they can hear a thump two hundred yards away . One thump means « look out » or « freeze » . A slow thump , thump means « come » . A fast thump , thump means « danger » , and a very fast thump , thump , thump means « run for your life . » At another time , when the weather was fine , Rag began to learn a new lesson . Molly gave the thump signal for « come » . Rag ran to the place where he thought she was , but could not find her . He thumped , but got no reply . He looked for her and found the scent of her feet . He followed this strange - trail that the animals know so well and man does not know at all , and found her among the Brierbushes . This was his first lesson of how to follow a trail . She taught him the signs by which to know all his enemies , and how to escape from his enemies . Hawks , owls , foxes , dogs , cats and other animals , and also men , all look for and follow their victims in different ways . Molly taught Rag how to fight or run away from each and all of them . However , he always remembered that the Brierbush was the best place in which to hide when he had to run away from an enemy . His mother also taught him how to know the approach of an enemy . He learned to depend first on himself and his mother , and then on the blue jay . « The blue jay , » she said , « is a thief and a mischief - maker , but he cannot harm us because we have the Brierbush , and because his enemies are our enemies . So pay attention to his warnings . He often tells lies , but you can believe him when he brings bad news . » When a man is hunting , and his dogs are trying to catch you , keep just one hop ahead of them . Then load them straight into the barbed - wire fence , while you turn aside and escape . The dog or fox that is chasing you runs against the barbed wire , which tears his skin and wounds or kills him at once . Rag learned that there were many dangers in the trick of « hole - up » , which means : « hide in a hole in the ground when an enemy is chasing you . » It is sale when a man , a dog , a fox or a large bird is chasing you , but it means death if the enemy is a small animal like the skunk or the weasel . Near the swamp there were only two holes in the ground . One was in the south end of the swamp , where the sun shone J ) rightly , and where , on fine days , the rabbits took their sunbaths . The other was in the roots of a pine tree close by . One day a dog killed the owner of this hole , and Molly Cottontail moved into it an hour later . But Molly did not remain there . She and Rag did not go near these holes , for they did not want to leave a trail that the enemy could follow . They used them only when they were in great danger . There was also another hole in an old tree . This hole was open at both ends , so that they could go in at one end and out of the other . The old weasel that lived there was killed one dark night when he tried to steal a hen . Thus Molly and Rag had another place where they could hide when in danger . It was a bright day in August . The sun shone over the dirty water of the swamp . A little brown sparrow sat on a bush « near the swamp and chirped . The eyes of the little bird could not see the beauty of the scene , but she saw what , perhaps , we could not see , - that two of the bumps under some big leaves on the ground were living creatures with fur and with noses that moved up and down when they breathed . It was Molly and Rag , who came here for a quiet rest . But they were not here long , when suddenly they heard the warning note of the blue jay . Molly looked around her , and there , across the swamp , was Olifant 's big black and white dog . « Now , » said Molly , « lie still , while I go and meet that fool . » And she dashed across the dog 's path . « Bow - ow - ow , » barked the dog . But Molly kept just a little ahead of him and led him straight into the Brierbush , where a million daggers cut and tore him . When the dog came out of the Brierbush , Molly again dashed off and the dog followed . This time she led him to the barbed - wire fence . The dog howled with pain and ran home . When Molly returned , she found Rag standing on his hind legs and trying to see the sport . She was so angry that she struck him with her hind foot and knocked him over in the mud . One day , when they were eating some clover in the field near them , a hawk flew down and tried to catch them . Molly and Rag ran along one of their old paths into the Brierbush , where the hawk could not follow . Along this path grew some creepers . Molly , with one eye on the hawk , began at once to cut the creepers off . Rag watched her , then ran ahead and cut off some more creepers that lay across the path . « That 's right , » said Molly , « always keep the paths clear . You will need them often . Not wide but clear . But if you cut everything that looks like a creeper , some day you will fall into a trap . » « I don 't believe it could catch me , » replied Rag , and he rose on his hind legs and rubbed his chin high up on the bark of a smooth tree . When a rabbit does this , it means that he is not a baby any longer and that soon he will be a grownup Cottontail . His mother watched him and knew that too . There is magic in running water . Who does not know it and feel it ? The thirsty traveler in the desert will not drink until he finds a stream of running , living water , and then he drinks gladly . There is magic in running water . A wild creature of the wood is flying from an enemy that is following it . Every trick it knows it has already tried . It feels that death is near . Then it sees a stream of running water and dashes into it and so is safe . There is magic in running water . The dogs come to the spot where a little animal has disappeared a minute ago . It is hiding somewhere near the stream , and the dogs lose the trail because there is no trail in running water . And this was one of the great secrets that Raggylug learned from his mother : « After the Brierbush , the Water is your friend . » One hot night in August , Molly led Rag through the woods . He followed the white cotton ball at the end of her tail as she ran ahead . She stopped at the edge of a pond . There was a log in the middle of the pond , and on the log sat a fat frog , singing his song . « Follow me , » said Molly , and « flop » she went into the water and swam to the log in the middle of the pond . Rag hesitated for a moment , but then followed his mother . He made the same movements as on land , and found that he could swim . When he reached the log and sat beside his mother , he felt very proud of himself . After that , in warm black nights , when they heard the voice of the old fox near the swamp , Molly listened for the song of the frog , which said , « Come , come , if you are in danger , come ! » And she was ready at any moment to run with Rag to the pond . No wild animal dies of old age . Its life has , sooner or later , a tragic end . It is only a question of how long it can escape from or conquer its enemies . The Cottontails had enemies on every side . Every day they escaped from dogs , foxes , cats , snakes , hawks or owls and others , who were all ready to kill them . They had hundreds of adventures , and at least once a day they had to fly for their lives and save themselves by their legs or their brains . Once a hunter , with his dog , caught Rag alive . But Rag was lucky and escaped the next day . More than once he had to run into the water and swim so as to get away from a cat . Many times hawks and owls chased him , but for each kind of danger he had a different trick , and each time got away . The older and wiser he grew , the less he used his legs to get away from an enemy , and the more he used his brains . Now there was a « young dog by the name of Ranger . For training , his master put him on the trail of one of the Cottontails . Rag liked a bit of danger . When he saw the dog , he said to his mother , « Oh , mother , here comes the dog again . I must have some fun with him to - day . » « You are too bold , Raggy , my son , » she replied . « But , mother , it is such fun to make that fool dog run , and it 's good training for me . If I am in danger , I 'll thump , then you can come and help me . » Then he ran off and the dog after him . He always got rid of the dog by some clever trick , or he thumped to his mother , who came at once . In this way Rag learned all the tricks of the wood . For example , he knew that his scent was much stronger near the ground or when he was warm . If he was not on the ground for half an hour , the trail became weaker . So , when he got tired of the chase , and the dog Ranger was behind him , he ran to the Brierbush where the dog could not follow him . Then he left the Brierbushes and ran straight to the woods . There he began to zigzag , and left a trail so crooked that the dog , when he found the trail at last , ( fid not know in which direction to go . Then Rag went back on his old trail and followed it for some time . Then lie leaped aside again and ran until he came to a high log . He ran to the end of the log and « froze » . Ranger lost much time in the Brierbushes , and the scent was weak when he found the trail . Once he passed under the log where Rag sat very still and « froze » . Then the dog came again and sniffed the log . But Ranger did not see him and ran away . So Rag won a victory that day . Rag did not know any other rabbit besides his mother . Indeed , he did not even think that there was any other rabbit . He was more and more away from his mother now , and yet he never felt lonely . But one day in December , he saw , behind one of the bushes , the head and ears of a strange rabbit . The stranger looked at Rag in a friendly way and then began to hop toward him . But Rag was furious , because the newcomer was on his path that led into his swamp . He became more furious when the stranger stopped at one of Rag 's rubbing trees and began to rub himself against it . Now Rag noticed that the other rabbit was much taller than himself . Rag at once hated him and wanted to kill him . So he hopped into a piece of hard ground , which he struck slowly : « Thump - thump - thump , » which in rabbit language means , « Get out of my swamp , or fight . » The stranger raised his ears , sat up straight for a few seconds , dropped his forefeet and sent a louder , stronger answer , « Thump - thump - thump , » along the ground . So each declared war against the other . Each stood and watched the other carefully . Then they walked past each other so that they could study each other better . The stranger was a big , heavy rabbit , and he was sure that he could win the battle because he was so big and strong . But he had not Rag 's cunning . At last he began the attack and Rag met him with great fury . Each struck out with his hind feet . Poor little Rag was down , and in a moment he felt the big rabbit 's teeth on his neck . Rag lost some of his fur before he could get up . Then he threw himself on the stranger , and again the latter knocked him down and bit him . Rag saw that he was weaker than his enemy . And though he was wounded , he jumped up and ran off , followed by the stranger . Rag 's legs were good , while the other was so big and heavy that he soon gave up the chase . Poor Rag was safe , but he was tired and his wounds hurt him . From that day Rag lived in terror . He had good training against dogs , owls , men and so on , but what to do when another rabbit ran after him , he did not know . Poor little Molly was in terror too . She could not help Rag and could only hide . But the big buck soon found her . She tried to run away from him , but she could not run so fast as Rag , and each time the big buck caught her . He did not try to kill her , but he courted her . And because she hated him and tried to get away , he was cruel to her . He knocked her down and tore out mouthfuls of her soft fur . This continued day after day , for he followed her everywhere . However , his real purpose was to kill Rag . The situation became quite hopeless for Rag . There was no other swamp where he could go to , and he had to be ready to run for his life at any moment . A dozen times a day the big stranger crept up to the place where Rag lay asleep , but each time Rag awoke in time to escape . But what a miserable life it was ! The big buck beat and tore his mother every day , but Rag was helpless . The newcomer made himself at home in all Rag 's hiding - places , ate Rag 's food , used Rag 's best paths and tracks , and Rag could do nothing . Ho hated the big rabbit more than any fox or dog . What will become of him now ? He was worn out , and he saw that little Molly had no more strength . Yet the big stranger did not give her and Rag any peace , and did everything he could to kill Rag . One day he even did something that all rabbits think is very dishonest . Rabbits may hate each other , but all good rabbits forget their hatred when a common enemy appears . However , when the buck saw a hawk over the swamp , he tried again and again to drive Rag from his hiding - place so that the hawk could kill Rag . Once or twice the hawk almost caught Rag , but the Brier - bush saved him . The buck stopped this game only when he himself was almost in the claws of the hawk . Rag escaped , but now he made up his mind to leave the swamp the next night with his mother , and look for a new home . At that moment Rag heard the bark of a dog near the swamp , and at once decided to play a desperate game . He ran out in front of the dog . The dog at once dashed after him . They ran round the swamp three times , until Rag was sure that his mother was safe and that the enemy he hated most , the big buck , was in his own hole . Then he ran into that hole and jumped over the buck , giving him a blow with one hind foot as he passed over his head . « You fool , I 'll kill you yet , » cried the buck , and jumped out . But now he was between Rag and the dog . The dog rushed at him , barking furiously . The buck 's weight and size were advantages in a fight with rabbits , but now they were of no use to him . He did not know many tricks . « Hole - up » was of no use , because he did not know where the holes were . The Brierbush did its best . The thorns tore the dog 's skin , but the dog did not stop and ran after the buck again . Molly and Rag , hiding in the bushes , heard the noise of the struggle when the dog fell upon the buck . Then they heard loud and terrible screams . Rag and Molly knew what that meant , and they shivered . But soon all was over , and Rag was happy that he was again the master of the dear old swamp . Old Mr . Olifant no doubt had the right to burn up all the thickets of the swamp , and he had the right to destroy the old barbed - wire fence . Still it was a great misfortune for Rag and his mother . The barbed - wire fence protected them when they were in danger . They felt that every part of the swamp was their own , that even Olifant 's land belonged to them . Their right to the swamp - the right of long occupation - was the same as that by which many nations hold their land . It is hard to find a better right ! During January , Mr . Olifant and his sons cut down the rest of the large wood near the pond . And so the kingdom of the Cottontails became smaller on all sides . But Rag and his mother still remained in the swamp , for it was their home , and they did not want to go to a new place . Their daily life , full of the same old dangers , went on as before . One day the weather was bright and warm . Molly , feeling some pain in her legs , was somewhere among the thickets , looking for herbs for her rheumatism . Rag sat in the sunlight on a bank of the swamp . The smoke from the chimney of Olifant 's house looked like a brown cloud against the bright sky . The sounds that came from the house and the smell of food that mixed with the smoke told Rag that the animals were having their dinner of cabbage in the yard . Rag loved cabbage very much . Of course , he could go there later and pick up some bits . But since he was a wise rabbit , ho did the wise thing . He went away to a place where he could not smell the cabbage , and had his supper of pieces of hay which he found on the ground . The sun set and it began to get dark . When Molly joined him , they prepared to go to bed . But the wind rose and it became colder and colder . In fact , at that very moment , the mink was in the hollow of a tree close by . So the Cottontails went to the south side of the swamp and there , among the bushes , they lay down for the night , with their noses in different directions so that they could run out different ways if an enemy appeared . The wind blew harder and it became colder , and later it began to snow . It was a bad night for hunting , but that old fox was out . He came to the swamp to find protection from the wind , and there he smelt the Cottontails , who were asleep . He stopped for a moment , and then crept very quietly and carefully to the spot where his nose told him the Cottontails were . The wind made a great noise , so the fox could come quite close before Molly heard him . She touched Rag and he awoke just as the fox sprang toward them . But Rag and his mother always slept with their legs ready for a jump . Molly jumped to one side and ran out into the storm , followed by the fox . Rag rushed away in another direction . There was only one road for Molly , and that was to the pond . She ran as fast as she could till she reached the pond . The fox was just behind her . She could not turn back , she must go on . Splash ! splash ! through the wet reeds she went , and then with a big splash into the deep water . And splash ! the fox went close behind her . But it was too much for the fox on such a cold night and in such cold water . He turned back . Molly began to swim to the other side of the pond . There was a strong wind , and the little waves , cold as ice , flowed over her head , and the water was full of snow that was like soft ice . The dark line of the other bank seemed far , far away . And perhaps the fox waited for her there ! The wind and tide were against her , but she swam on with all her strength . After a long time in the cold water , she almost reached the reeds on the other side , when a great mass of snow floated in her way . The wind and the mass of snow . took all her strength away , and she drifted backward . Again she tried to swim , but slowly - oh , so slowly now . And when at last she reached the reeds on the other side , she could not move her legs , they were so cold . And she was so weak now . Her brave little heart sank , and she did not care any more whether the fox was there or not . She swam on through the reeds very , very slowly . Then the ice formed around her and stopped her altogether . In a little while her cold , weak legs could not move any more , and the soft brown eyes of the little mother Cottontail closed in death . Now where was Rag all this time ? After the first attack of the fox , he ran back to help his mother and met the fox going round the pond to meet Molly . When the fox saw Rag , he rushed after him . But Rag ran off in the direction of the barbed - wire which lay on the ground . He led the fox right into the barbed wire and left him there , struggling and howling with pain . Then Rag went back to the pond , found his mother 's trail near the pond , and thumped , but in vain . He . could not find his mother . He never saw her again , and he never knew where she went , for she never woke from her sleep in the ice - arms of her friend the water . Poor little Molly Cottontail ! She was a true heroine - one of many millions of heroines - and heroes - that have lived and done their best in their little world and died . But such heroism as Molly 's never dies . She lives in her son Rag , and through him transmits her courage and brains to her race . And Rag still lives in the swamp . Old Olifant died that . winter , and his sons were not interested in the swamp . They did not finish the work . In a year it was a wilder place than ever before . New trees and thickets grew , and in the masses of barbed wire there were many Cottontail castles that dogs and foxes did not dare to storm . And there to this day lives Rag . He is a big , strong buck now and fears nothing . He has a large family and a pretty brown wife , that he got I do not know where . There , no doubt , he and his children 's children will live for many years to come . And there you may see them any sunny evening , if you have learned their signal code , and if you know just how and when to thump the ground .

So my friends dad 's friend wanted a fish pond . So my friends dad says : " get a hole auger , some fertilizer and some diesel fuel call me up when everything is ready and I will bring the fuse " . Anyway a week later his friend called and said he was ready for the fuse . So he bought a quarter mile fuse , when he gets there he finds the guy used a telephone pole auger around 4 feet wide and instead of a few bags of fertilizer he bought a few pallets of the stuff . And instead of some diesel fuel he bought a trailer full of it . He said he had drilled 24 holes filled with fuel and fertilizer , in the size of an average 2 bathroom 3 bedroom house . The man with the fuse said " I thought you wanted a fish pond , not a passage to the earth 's core . He said that 's right , I do want a fish pond . So they set the fuse and went running for the nearby forest . When it exploded it was described as raining huge chunks of mud . When they realized what had happened they jumped in a truck and headed the other way . Someone flagged them down and when they stopped they thought " today die " but the guy asked did they hear the huge explosion ? They said yes and they thought it was over there ( opposite direction ) and that 's where they were headed . Anyway my friends dad 's friend got one interesting fish pond . So we were combining a field of soybeans and it was not on the main farm , it was a neighbors and there was a small 2 acre lot with a house next to the field . Some woman ran out into the field , bawling yelling " murderer murderer your killing it your killing it . I hopped out of the combine and turned off the engine . The grain cart driver and we talked to the woman and she told us that she had watched it grow all summer and now we were killing it and she would call the police . We thought she was crazy and we got back in the machinery and started running it again through the field , about an hour later she was still watching and by this point the cops were not there yet . We went along with the field and were driving back to the main farm , and a cop car passed us , thank goodness we left that field when we did . Back In 2008 we were driving our new , New Holland TR96 combine down the highway . We bought this new beast because our old harvester a New Holland TR80 combine swallowed a valve cylinder , causing it to start smoking and skip RPM 's . This was a problem so we parked it in the back of a barn and went to pick up the TR96 . The TR96 had a top speed of 16 . 1 miles per hour , we left and the highway we were traveling on had a speed limit of 60 . Anyways , It was Halloween night and the road was backed up behind us , the story even made the radio . Then we were almost half way there and the police pulled us over and told us we could not go on . There was no way we were going to leave This new beautiful Combine just sitting out on the highway all night . The police said " well you will have to " . We said that we would pitch a tent and sleep with the combine if they wouldn 't let us continue . They then informed us that , that was highly illegal and they wouldn 't allow it . We said to stop us and they said they would , after a while we came to a compromise , of which we could go lock it up at the police station , and we could get it at daybreak the next day . At 7 : 18 we arrived , keys in hand ready to fire up the beast . The police informed us that they would phone the next town over 's police and that we would go through there instead of taking the highway . We had our friend frank with us driving the truck behind us , when we were once again , you guessed it , Pulled over . Well this cop said that we would not go on and we had to put it on a trailer and pull it home . Frank got out of the truck and snarled " you didn 't receive a call from the state police did you ? The officer said no , and we explained what had happened and he gave us a police escort to the next town which was close enough to the farm that we could just drive on our own from there . The combine worked fine and was fine when we parked it at home and started harvesting , but boy were we all mad . The combine worked up until 2014 when we retired the whole grain operation andStory 4 It was a bright June day in 2011 when we were out cutting hay field on the side of long road with our backup hay cutter ( Gehl 2512 Side - Tow Discbine ) and our row - row 4960 John Deere Tractor in 13th gear and then disaster struck . A distinctly burning smell rose from the rear of the engine compartment , filling the cab with the odor , thinking it was just a gear lock - up we kept going , soon right in front of the cab glowed orange . We hopped out of the cab , sprinting for safety . The glass soon melted , engulfing the cab in flames , Then the engine caught fire , then the drive shaft . The fire extinguisher was no good and now the rear tires , engulfed in flames , were starting to melt . This meant a real safety hazard . Soon thereafter a fire company showed up and put out the flame . The tractor was a total loss , and wasn 't fixed until 2014 , when it was split and restored , now serving as a work tractor for pulling wagons and drills and balers . The tractor was not a total loss though because we got a new 8120 John Deere to take all the work off of that 4960 . The End , Happily Ever After . Posted on January 13 , 2016 by parker Reply I woke up early today as soon as the sirens at the camp sounded . While everyone else was getting ready , I asked my friend , John , what was going on . John has dark brown , long hair swopped to the side with greenish colored eyes with a hint of grey in them . He 's also very tall . I have very light brown hair , cut in a buzz cut , with almost pure bright blue eyes . He answered " Don 't ya remember ? It 's time to go over to Germany , to fight ! " As soon as he said that I stopped doing everything . Today is the day . The day when John and I go fight in the war . And I had a feeling , that someone wasn 't coming back home . On the ride on the plane to the dock , where our boats were , no one talked the first half hour or so that we spent on the plane . I think we were all thinking the same thing . What was it going to be like when we get over there . But once someone broke out a conversation , things got a little better . The boat ride though was the worst of it . It took forever and I couldn 't hear anybody because of the noise of the ocean water and the boat splashing up and down on the water surface . The war had been going on for quite a while by the time our group got there . Most of the city was in ruins by the bombing and the firing . John and I could hear the noise of all the soldiers and the guns all the way from where we landed . We were about forty - five minutes away from the fight , and not too eager to get there . At first we couldn 't see were everyone was . Then all of the sudden , they were firing at us . I was the first to spot them . I yelled " OVER THERE ! BEHIND THAT WALL WITH THE DESTROYED TURRET ! " But it was too late . Most of our men got out of the way , but some had just looked that way when they shot . When I saw those men down , I got determination . I was going to fight for those men . When we did get to the sight of the fight , John and I were some of the last people in our group to get off of the truck . Our group of solders were called to the fight mainly for when the enemies gained the upper hand of the battle . We were the solders that were fighting last hope . They were depending on us . We had their lives in our hands . As soon as I peeked out to look , they were there again waiting . I shot at them for a couple of second not able to control my gun like it was a firehose . As soon as I stopped shooting , I dove back into cover . As soon as I got back in cover I heard John scream like a maniac at me . " Bob ! Look out ! There 's a grenade right behi … " But I never heard the rest of what he said . Before John could finish , the grenade when off a couple yards away from me . Faster than I thought it would happen , the ground got closer extremely fast . My head was throbbing so much . You wouldn 't believe the pain that I had in my head . It was like nothing I could have ever imagined . The next thing I knew everything started to go black , but just before everything did , John came running over with surprising speed and agility , rolled me on my back and kept saying something to me , but all I could see was that his mouth was moving , I knew that he was saying something to me . Whatever it was , he kept saying it to me over and over again until everything did go black . I only wish that I could know one thing , what he was saying to me . I don 't remember anything else that happened after that , but at the time I narrowed it down to two things : When woke up , I was right where I had passed out . It was silent though . No fighting going on . Where was everyone ? When I tried to get up my leg and ribs hurt a lot . My leg was partially burnt from the explosion and my ribs were bruised , I think . When I looked around I knew right away what happened . They were captured . Before going to rescue my team though , I decided I should check the alliance base camp first just in case to see if they were there . I couldn 't make it there on foot thought with my injured leg , I had to get there faster and by some kind of vehicle . I looked around for a while looking for a car . Then I found a truck used to carry troops . When I got to the truck , there were no keys , so I had to hijack it . When I got to the camp there were a lot of trucks and cars parked in front . There were people there , and I was sure it was them . But when I got closer I saw that it wasn 't . They were still the allies . When I went around the camp looking for my group , I couldn 't find them . Right when I was about to leave , someone taped me on the shoulder . It was John , and the whole group was with him . Posted on January 13 , 2016 by kennyg Reply Today was the day . Bryon woke up to the sound of honk due to a life about to be taken away . He realize he wasn 't in his comfortable bed . It was the car . Without sitting up Bryon describe his dream out loud not even caring who was listening . Byron hopped out of the car uneasy like he has been off the ground for the past hour . he picked up a quarter found from the street and placed it in the coat pocket . Today was the day . Today was the day he would have to sit in a chair for thirty minutes and tell a judge his feeling . Bryon 's parents were divorced so today was court day . The minute Byron walked in the room he realized the stress and nerve he would feel in the next three hours . He walked in silent ; with his head up noticing the patters on the light and the diamond shape lantern swooshing above him . Miss Jean his babysitter signed him in , even though he had to . Byron and Miss Jean waited in awkward silence . Part of Byron wanted to go to sleep . The other part of Bryon wanted to leave in fear his decision would change his life . The court house was quiet . Each and every step that miss jean took with her high heels clacking on the tile ground . Click Click Click . A tune to the beat of the heels inside his head popped into Byron 's mind . The hunger kicked in . His nerves ached in his stomached , although the hunger hurt more . He pulled out his red Ds and drew swiggly lines on the screen until him and Miss Jean hit the lunch room . Byron thought to himself " Why Am I here " . Taking four miss turns and one trip back to the front desk the finally hit the lunch room . He didn 't eat much . The more he thought about court the less the hunger hurt in his stomach . Many things zipped through his mind like zebras in a safari . Byron plopped down near the poll in the back of the lunch room . Pulling out Mario kart , a plate fell scaring Bryon as he flinched and hid behind the poll . The shattered glass reminded him of what was about to happen based on his words . Miss Jean looked at the time . It was 2 : 30 ; thirty minutes before the big moment happened . Bryon asked his Miss jean about what to say . Miss jean said speak from the heart no matter what but was that really what Bryon thought . This was the day everything would change . Bryon wondered what would he say to his friends when the ask whast happened , or ask him why don 't they see his mom or dad anymore . Many things raced through Byron 's big head . Throughout they were talking people came ands left the lunchroom . It was time , the big moment that could make or break Bryon 's future ( or so how he felt ) was now . In the window Bryon saw his mom and dad on opposite sides facing the judge . His mom wear a black pantsuit that he hasn 't noticed before which is why he didn 't recognize her at first . Then he saw his dad who was wearing less moderate clothes than his mom but still appropriate . As he saw his dad a memory shot into his mind . He thought about the vigorous times his dad told him to say he wanted more time with him . Or he thought of his dad being really mad if Bryon said anything against him . With those thoughts Byron was sure that would affect his answer . Sitting outside a a stool bench with Byron sitting at the exact edged of the bench Bryon waited 30 minutes hearing gavels banging up and down and yelling from across the room . Bryon was hungry again , but there was no time for Byron to go all the way back . Miss jean bought him a water bottle and told him good luck as she got escorted out because it was almost time where the judge would call Bryon in the courtroom to talk to him . Byron thought to himself . I want to sleep , but not for a reason he thought . Byron thought that if he went to sleep maybe he could wake up and it would all be a dream . It was time . The doors opened and Byron 's parents walked passed him without looking at him . Byron walked forward and stopped . Everyone looked at him strangely until the judge to him to sit down which he did without waiting a beat . When Bryon sat in the chair he blurted out " I want to spend time with both my parents especially my dad " which had everyone confused . It was really irrelevant and Bryon thought he was an idoit for saying it . It was the pressure he thought to himself . The first thing the judged asked him was for his name and general security questions a normal judge would ask . " yes …… wait … . . no wait yes " Byron said sounding confused . A sweat feel from his black colored hair to brown colored skin . Then the judge asked the question . The question that bryon was worried he would ask . The judge asked Now everything was racing through his head . He viewed different images from his head like his life was flashing image by image . He remembered what his dad was pressuring him to say but he also remembered what Miss jean told him . Byron pulled out the quarter and held it in his hand . The wave of confidence and pressure was gone . The little quarter that Byron held in his hand had a connection with its heart gave him the strength to finally believe in himself and blurt out the word The quarter fell smashing against the ground . Once . Twice . Three times until he felt it roll until it hit his foot . His heart started pumping just as if he had just ran the marathon or made a life threatening decision . He felt like the world was just divided into 2 different parts and he would never be the same . Bryon thought to himself that if this was a dream now would be the perfect time to wake up . A tear fell down his cheek . It was over . The long day that Byron has was coming to an end . Miss jean came to great him at the doors where he was officially released to go home . Miss Jean didn 't say a word to him . Miss jean smiled , waved , and left 30 minutes after thinking that Byron was asleep . Bryon checked to see if she was gone for fear she would find out he was faking . The truth was Byron didn 't want to talk to anyone even his mom . Another tear led from his face , this time one came after the next . Byron thought he was tough but in reality he wasn 't . He waited another 30 minutes which felt like an hour for his mom to come . Finally his mom arrived at the doors next to the old dusty bench Byron sat on . She smiled and asked him if he was ready to go . Byron shook his head questionably as if there was a part two coming up . He asked his mom what happened and she explained some of the basics . She told him no matter what that she still loved him , Bryon looked up to his mom and loved how inspirational , but still there was despair in Byron 's heart . Soon and eventually next Sunday arrived and it was time for Byron to see his father . He knew the tension would be high and it would be the worst time he has ever spent with his dad . " hey son " Admidiatly after hugging and saying hello to his dad he rushed to the car and locked his door . A tear feel from his eye . Posted on January 13 , 2016 by Konor Reply It was the last day of school . Fifteen minutes left and it would officially be summer When the bell goes off I would be going to six flags with my best friend , Sam . We were planning on going if the weather cleared up . Otherwise , we would just hang out at his house and play zombies . Luckily , it looked like the weather was going to clear up . As the bell went off our class swarmed the door and went outside screaming . It took me about twenty minutes to find my friend , Sam . When I saw him I yelled , " SAM " . He turned around and said that he was looking all over for me and that his mom was waiting for us in his car . We went to her car and she was on the phone . She asked us if we wanted to stop by there house first and eat or go straight to six flags . We said we wanted to go and eat first because we hadn 't eaten since lunch . So when we went to their house and it started raining so we decided to play some games and hope that it would clear up . As we were playing we heard a big smash so we ran to the kitchen and saw a funnel of a tornado so we ran to his moms room and we told her that there was a tornado outside and she ran to the window and said " your right " . But the only problem was they didn 't have a basement . So we ran to there neighbors house . Knocked on the door and he answered and said yelling " COME ON IN " . so we went in and we went to the basement . His basement was scary he had mounted fish and deer on the walls . I asked my friend why they were all over his walls and he said that he was a taxidermist . He asked me some questions and we watched television for about two hours and played two games of pool . The storm seemed to not stop . So we went to sleep . At about two in the morning we heard a loud noise and right after that the power turned off and it was dark as can be . I stayed up all night and everyone else fell asleep . In the morning we got up and went upstairs and his house was absolutely destroyed . Half of his kitchen was on the other side of his lawn . Sam 's house on the other hand had minor damages . Tonight was the night that the Bula Gang decided to meet up on Halloween . They were all meeting up at Bree 's house to go trick - or - treating . The neighborhood was so peaceful , there were no cars driving , just plenty of fog . Her house was the type of house that reminded you of castle . Kandice was already there , Austin and James showed up around 3 : 00 pm . Austin was an average height , he had sponge curls in his hair , and was a little bit taller than Bree . James was taller than Austin by not very much , his hair was also curly but not to the point where it looked like Austin 's , he will eat pretty much anything he sees as long as it 's edible . " What kind of pizza do you guys want " asked Bree 's Mom . Everybody said different things . So she just ordered bacon , barbecue chicken , cheese , and pepperoni . So while we were eating Bree 's Brother Eric decided to go with us since he had nothing else to do . Breana then showed up . Breana had her hair in braids , and highlights , and she was taller than everybody except for James . They all went down to Bree 's basement to watch scary movies and play air hockey and ping pong . The basement was a really big space with couches and a chair . There were posters with St . Louis Blues Logo and players . There was a closet open with Xbox games , cords , and movies all over the place . Austin and Eric played sting pong . Austin didn 't really have good accuracy . " Turn Around " Eric said laughing . SMACK ! ! " AHHH " yelled Austin . The ping pong hit him in the middle of his back . " Dang Austin , you a big whelp on your back " Kandice said acting surprised . 15 minutes later the pizza was there . At the the table they all just talked about school drama . " Guys we should probably go get dressed " Bree suggested . James was dressed as Mario , Austin was so clueless he had no idea what he was wearing , and it was a long dress type robe . " Last time I wore this thing I was running across a street I tripped and fell . " Austin said feeling embarrassed . James laughed and looked at the ground lookiNovember 1 In the morning the boys were the last ones to wake up . Bree 's mom decided to make some breakfast for them . She fixed them a buffet like they were at Golden Corral . " Hey where did the WHOLE plate of bacon go " Kandice asked . James scratched his head and looked down as if he didn 't look guilty . " You at the whole plate of bacon ? " Austin asked . " I mean … . You still got some crumbs . " James said looking Guilty . " That 's unbelievable " Breana said . " What 's not there to believe , the evidence is on his face . " Kandice said . " Guys can we trade candy ? " Breana suggested . Everybody agreed except for James , who took his candy very seriously . " James can I please have that snickers " Bree pleaded . " NO ! Don 't ask me again , I will use my hot breath . " James said angrily . As he was about to blow it all over Bree , he stopped . " Ok never mind . " Bree replied . " Why does it feel like it 's over 100 degrees " Austin said fanning himself . Eventually after James had a whole sack of candy . It was hard to carry because it felt like it had bricks in it . So after they ate candy they got bored , they girls decided to give the boys a makeover . " I don 't know how I feel about this " James said . " Yea me either . Austin agreed . After they were done Austin looked like a panda , and James looked like a monkey . " Why did we trust them to do this ? " James asked . " I have no idea … " Austin said confused . " You guys look adorable " Kandice laughed . " Very Funny " James said frowning . They all got very bored so James suggested that we should go outside and play basketball . It was Austin and James against Bree , Breana , and Kandice . They got tired of playing that so they went back inside . Austin was the type of boy to do something really stupid and regret it afterwards . " Bree , can I run myself into your wall ? " Austin asked bored . " … . Sure knock yourself out " Bree suggested . Austin was determined not to get hurt . Austin ran so fast it was like a burst of wind . 5 minutes later Austin was laid oPosted in Creative Writing , Personal Narrative | Leave a reply Posted on January 11 , 2016 by riley737 Reply It was the first weekend in November , 2015 . We were in the locker room about to go warm up outside the rink . On our way out of the rink we could hear fans screaming and yelling from outside the rink . We jogged out behind the rink where there was a big park was with a big hill . The first thing that popped into half the team was to climb the hill and warm up on top of the hill . " this is going to be the best game of the season , just wait and find out . " said the goalie , Ryan . He recently got a haircut that went really long to almost a buzz cut . Once we were done stretching we ran down the hill , and jumped over the fence . We jogged back into the cold and bright rink . We watched a little bit of the game before us because we had a lot of time before the game . After we watched the game , we left back into the locker room . We started to get focused and ready for the game . During getting ready for the game , " these guys our really bad we can beat them . " said a forward . " don 't underestimate them . " I said . This weekend was one of the biggest tournaments in the nation , it was called the Bauer World Invite . The first game and also the most important out of the three round robin games we played , is the hardest versing the Mississauga Braves . When we were all ready and the Zamboni was about to get off , we were really nervous and confident at the same time because we are a really good team and when we have a mindset , we can beat any team . Our blood was pumping so much that our veins could have popped we were so excited , we couldn 't wait to get on the ice . The Zamboni was off the ice and we were skating on the ice . My team is very superstitious so before we go onto the ice , we have to touch the puck bag . We warmed up by skating around really fast , " kkksshhh . " the sound of the skates hitting the ice were all around me . After we warmed up on the ice , all of our muscles were relaxed and ready to play . The only thing that was going through every bodies head was that we needed to win this game . As soon as the puck dropped in the center of the ice everything got a lot faster . They were big , fast , and physical and they were really good at moving the puck . We were holding them and had so many chances to score but the defense were really good . at the 10 minute mark of the first period they passed to the fastest guy on there team and skated right passed our defense and scored . Everybody on my team were devastated and angry that they scored and we were willing to do anything now to score more than they will to win . They scored once again 5 minutes left in the first period and we got even more mad . They scored the third goal with one minute left in the first . At that point in the game we knew we had to score in the second or else it would be extremely hard to win in the third if we didn 't . before we got on the ice , the coach said , " you guys are playing well and moving the puck good , but as soon as you get to the offensive zone . You don 't move , we need to take the puck to the net . " Our coach was excited and nervous because he knew we could would win . When we were walking onto the ice he smiled with his gray hair and knew we could win this game . We came out onto the ice bursting with speed and warmed up for thirty seconds . " come on guys , we could win . Move the puck and we could win . " , said one of the defense named jack . He had long brown hair that came out of his helmet that wrapped around the bottom of his helmet . The first minute in the second period , we drove to the net and scored the first goal for us . We had our first boost in that game after that goal was scored . A couple minutes later they scored another goal . We didn 't keep our heads down long . The next period , we scored 10 minutes in the third period so it was 4 - 2 and we were down two goals . it was the third period with nine minutes left in the period , all of us were about to drops to the ground that we were so tired , the other team was also very tired . The coach said , " right now , is about who has more grit and will power out on this . I sure hope that you guys are the ones that have that . " We were thinking about what we had done that were good and bad , and tried to fix what we were doing wrong so we can become better . We scored with seven minutes left so it became 4 - 3 , they were still winning and the end of the game was closing in and it was getting more intense because we took it to the net and had many good chances and didn 't score . We were sweating so much it could have been a pool in the rink . Finally , we had a good break out of our zone and went into the offensive zone to try to score so we can tie the game up . First the second forward passed it to my defense partner , then my defense partner passed it to me , and when I got the puck I looked to see who was open and saw the third forward open on the strong side of the boards so I passed to him . He took the puck to the net , went around the net and passed it to the first forward in the back door and shot the puck as soon as it came close to him . " swoosh . " The sound of the puck hitting the netting in the back of the net for the tie up goal was so exhilarating and exciting that we all jumped together and yelled really loud . " we finally tied the game , I was starting to get concerned ! " my defense partner , Tommy said . Tommy is really tall and slim with brown hair . It may seem that this took a minute , but it really took only maybe ten seconds of the period to make the play and score . I could see the expression on the other team , and it made me laughed in my head to myself . There expression was all angry and wanted to go back in time to redo that shift so we didn 't score that one goal . There were two minutes left in the game and we were trying really hard to keep the puck out of our net and get it into theirs so we can win this game . One of the lasts shifts of the game I was not on the ice but I still remember it like it was the most important piece of life . The Braves had almost made another goal by passing rapidly and they came closer and closer to the net and at one pass , one of the Braves shot the puck towards the net . " ding ! " and barely hit the post and came back out into our possession and we kept it in our own zone for a little bit for maybe a couple seconds and then we were out of our zone and got into the neutral zone . There was 1 minute left in the game and this was the only chance we could score . We did the same thing we did when we scored the tie up goal excepted that the second forward passed it back to the defense . The defense shot enough so it could get by all the players and at that moment it felt like the slowest moment in the game . Finally what felt like an hour , the puck went to the back of the net and scored . Our happiness was indescribable , and we went crazy and jumped on top of each other . After that little bit of celebrating , they were so mad that they didn 't want to shake hands and went off the ice . But the rules said that they had to shake hands so they came back onto the ice and shacked our hands . We got back into the locker room andPosted in Creative Writing , Personal Narrative | Leave a reply Posted on January 11 , 2016 by helloitsnic Reply About a year ago , I had to watch my dog in my room while my parents were meeting with contractor downstairs . It sounds relatively simple to watch a dog ; however , the dog wanted out . He ( Wesley ) being a crazy rescue dog , hates strangers and wanted desperately to see who was in the house . That night was real challenge to keep him entertained and out of trouble while keeping in my room . While I was watching him in my room , I thought he was thirsty . Since I could not leave my room without the dog following me , I lead him to my bathroom ( which is attached to my room ) , and filled up my bathtub . The bathtub turned into a giant dog dish full of water . Wesley hopped in and started to drink from it . So I thought since he was in the tub already that I might as well give him a bath since he was a tad bit dirty . So I told him to get out of the tub while I filled up with more water . He leaped out of the tub and trotted over to my bed and pounced on it . He started rubbing his wet body all over my comforter and sheets . I walked over to my bed and I was completely stunned because my bed smelled horrible . It was the awful wet dog smell . I immediately ran to my window and opened it . Ah , fresh air ! But my room still stunk , so I thought that I might as well give him a bath because the wet dog smell was not going to disappear anytime soon , unfortunately . So I decided to fill the tub up again . The water was absolutely freezing , so I added more hot water to get the temperature just right , but the water got much too hot for me to even stick my own feet in ! I had to add more cold water to make it just right . That was a lot of water ! After the water temperature was a comfortable temperature , the dog leaped from the bed and decided to hop in the bathtub ! Soon a tidal wave washed over the bathtub 's edge and onto the tile floor . I opened my eyes and saw with amazement that the tub was half empty ! Half the water was gone . I was so soaked , water was everywhere . Water was dripping down the walls . Wesley started to shake and then he shook himself so hard that water flew off him and I got an unwanted shower of wet dog . I was standing in puddles of water and I was not even in the tub , I was standing on the tile floor ! There were puddles everywhere , and then I noticed water was running under the bathroom door onto the new hardwood floor in my room . When I opened up the bathroom door , Wesley knocked me over in a race to get out . When I sat up , I could not believe my eyes , water everywhere and of course Wesley shook himself sending more water flying onto my freshly painted bedroom walls and the wet hardwood floor . How was I going to explain this mess ? I asked the dog why he did this . Of course , he did not answer , he had returned to the scene of the crime , he was sitting in the tub with a huge grin on his face like he created a mess on purpose . I needed to get the dog out of the tub pronto ; however , he did not want any part of this . He was too busy splashing and drinking the water . I tried to get him out of the tub , which only got me increasingly more drenched . I tried pulling on his leash for him to get out of the tub but he pulled and resisted causing me to trip over the bath mat and into the tub . Now I was covered in more water than before . While this was very unfortunate I thought he would get out , but no he still stayed in the tub . Now not only was I drenched in water from head to toe , and my whole bathroom was covered with more water than before . This was so stressful ! How was I supposed to get him out ? ! I had no idea how to handle this ; I tried to clean up the mess . I remember having a great thought at the time ; the plan was to lure the dog out of the tub using his dog treats . There was only one problem , the treats were downstairs in the kitchen , and I was upstairs . I was going to responsible , so I decided to drain the remaining bath water from the bathtub before leaving the dog in the bathroom by himself while I got the dog treats . I thought I could leave him by him alone in a closed bathroom , what could happen ? When I returned from my quick mad dash to retrieve the dog treats from downstairs , I opened my bathroom door . I got the surprise of my life ; I was eye level with my dog 's nose . How is that possible ? Did he grow three feet while I was gone ? Of course not , he had jumped onto the vanity and was standing in my sink . He had a huge smile on his face and was wagging his tail . The bathroom vanity had the soap bottle knocked over , the sink faucet was on causing water to splash everywhere . The soap and shampoo bottles were floating in the tub water and the dog had somehow managed to open the shampoo bottle causing shampoo it leak out forming bubble puddles on the tile floor . My dog also thought that toilet paper was make a great new dog toy . There was wet stringy toilet paper everywhere on the floor , on the toilet , and in the tub . Disaster was everywhere I looked . I needed to clean this mess up fast before my parents came upstairs ! The mess was created in a relatively short time so clean up should be fast . I felt like I was living the story of the " Cat in the Hat " by Dr . Seuss . It was extremely hard but I tried my best to tidy up and keep the dog quiet .

Leave a Comment » > I 'm a little sad today . It is good news , actually . The dogs that we rescued the day before Thanksgiving have been returned to their " parents . " They stayed at our house for almost a week , though , and it is impossible not to start to love them in that amount of time . So I 'm sad . Here 's the story : Last Wednesday ( the 24th ) was a huge day . So much to do , I took a half day off from work to do it . The day before the Turkey Trot ( the 5k race we put on in Palm Desert ) , there were many last minute preparations to attend to , including picking up the U - Haul truck we use to carry tables , chairs , cones , sound system , etc . for the race . Also on the agenda was shopping for Thanksgiving and hopefully getting a few things prepped . I wanted to do some last minute cleaning before my family arrived . And , finally , I had promised to sit with my grandsons while their mother did her Thanksgiving shopping . Since I had prevailed upon her to host not only Alan and myself for dinner , but my sons , my niece , and my future daughter - in - law , it was the least I could do . As soon as I got home from work , Alan and I left to pick up the truck . It was about noon and while we were waiting for the truck to be brought to us , two little dogs wandered up . No collars ( of course ) . At first we thought that they were the " U - Haul dogs , " that someone brought to work with them . So we asked . No such luck . They were very friendly , relatively clean and groomed dogs . A poodle and a Maltese . They weren 't scared at all , in fact , they came right up to us . When we put them down though , they seemed to be heading right toward Highway 111 , which is always loaded with traffic . No way could we let that happen . So I brought them over to my car . I tried to give them some water , but they didn 't seem to be thirsty . So , what to do ? Well , if you 've read this blog and if you know me ( and Alan especially ) you know that I put those two little dogs in my car ( Alan took the truck and headed on to pick up stuff ) . There was a neighborhood behind the U - Haul place where I hoped I 'd find someone who would recognize the dogs . First off , I climb into the car and both dogs crawl up on my lap . Cute , but that 's not going to happen . I moved them to the passenger seat , where they promptly lay down and cuddled together . I 'm thinking , " Please , please , let me find their owners . I 've got so much to do today ! " Now what ? I wasn 't going to take them to the shelter , no way , no how . So I took them with me . First off , I needed a couple leashes and collars . I went back to my house , left the dogs in the car while I went in to grab two leashes ( and endured my dogs sniffing me up and down - I 'm sure they figured out the whole story ) . I had a couple choke chains that we don 't use , but they were huge . Next stop : Walgreens , where I bought two collars . Yeah , well … . I was heading over to my daughter - in - laws for grandkid - duty , so I brought the dogs along with me . I needed something to call them so I named the poodle ( who was an apricot color ) Peaches and the Maltese , Misty . The boys were , of course , happy to see the dogs . And Misty and Peaches were very well behaved . They walked well on their leashes , seemed to be house broken . They wanted to sit on my lap , pretty much all the time . I ended up spending the rest of the day there . I had brought some of my dog food with me when I stopped at my house , but the dogs didn 't seem interested in my vegetarian chow offering . When I finally left about 7 : 00 , I knew I wasn 't going to accomplish of what I intended , but I did stop by Henry 's to pick up some vegan marshmallows ( necessary for my sweet potato casserole , in my humble opinion ) . I was afraid they 'd be closed on Thanksgiving , and that is not an item you will find at your neighborhood Ralph 's . Next came the doggy introductions . It was 7 : 30 , we were tired , stressed , and cold . We usually do the " neutral turf " intro , bring the dogs outside , one by one , to meet the newcomers . Not this time . Alan carried one , I carried the other . We walked into the house , holding them above the fray until our dogs had calmed down somewhat . Actually , it went very well . A few growls , a few snaps , a few " what , again ? " looks , but our dogs seemed to welcome Peaches and Misty into their pack . They even allowed them to join us on the bed that night , Peaches sleeping on my pillow , Misty cuddled up against my side . Thanksgiving dawns very early in our household . Alan is up at 2 : 00 am , so he can be out setting up the race course by 3 : 00 . I 'm up at 3 : 30 so I can be there by 5 : 00 . In spite of the apparently welcoming attitude of our dogs , I was a little concerned about leaving the new ones at home , so , along with the registration materials , prizes , medals , and other miscellany , I loaded up Peaches and Misty and headed over to El Paseo for the Turkey Trot . Here I will give thanks to the daughter of one our our volunteers . When they arrived , I told Maya that the most important job of the day was to care for Misty and Peaches during the race . While I whipped around working the race , Maya and the dogs played , walked , and bonded . By the time the race was over , she was wishing she could take them home and I think they were wishing the same thing . Over the course of the next several days , the dogs merged into our pack . We changed their names to Molly ( formerly Misty ) and Dolly ( formerly Peaches ) . They still slept on my pillow . They learned to use the doggy door . Our morning walk was quite a sight to see . I had to work on Friday , then Saturday we were so exhausted that we accomplished nothing . Sunday , however , we finally made up some posters with pictures and headed back to the Indio neighborhood where we had found the dogs . Monday went by with no word . We discussed what we were going to do if no one called . As Alan said , six dogs is one thing , but eight dogs sounds like you are a little crazy . Finally , on Tuesday afternoon , we got the call . The man had left the dogs with his mother for just a little while . His wife was furious . His children were heartbroken . We believed that this was true because we knew how sweet and loving his dogs were . He came over right away to pick them up , received a stern lecture about collars and tags from Alan ( you know , if they had tags you would have had then back in 15 minutes ! ) . I gave them the collars that I had purchased . They were very happy to see their people , but I think I saw a little wistful look from Molly . Most of our friends , even those who know us well , wonder why we would go so far out of our way to rescue stray dogs . I guess the only answer is , " It 's what we do . " And , it 's who we are : We Call Him the Dog Rescuer , Olivia . Lily or Here We Go Again , Our Pet Family . 1 Comment » > This is the kind of story that reminds you that there is a higher power . A story that shows that when you unselfishly pray for a happy outcome , there is really someone listening . And I don 't have any pictures , because it happened so quickly . The dogs ( Brando and Peanut , as Alan named them ) , spent the night in our front yard . They ate , they drank , they were petted and cuddled . If you saw the pictures from my previous post , you can see that they were also pretty darned comfortable . Throughout the day and evening , Alan kept saying , " Those dogs must belong to someone . They are just too sweet . " Even though they had no collars , had quite a few scars , and had obviously never learned some doggy basics like " sit , " " stay , " or how to walk on a leash , he felt sure that they at least had a loving family somewhere . And he was determined to find them if possible . After our run this morning , Alan spent time making posters . After printing out the photos that I had taken , he affixed them to fluorescent green poster board . The plan was to head out to the area in which we found the dogs , and be on the lookout for , what ? Hopefully , signs , someone out searching for their dog , a bolt of lightening . Somehow , we found the latter . After passing by the found spot , we turned down the next street , eyes open for anything that might give us a clue . About a mile down the road , where the pavement ended and a dirt road trailed into the distance , we noticed a sign on the telephone pole . We pulled over to read it . It was in Spanish , and yes , they had lost a dog , but it was black and white . Alan called the number anyway , but we had little hope . On a whim ( or an inspiration , or by a guiding hand ) , Alan decided to head out on the dirt road . We 'd never been down there , had no idea where we were headed . At this point we were about one mile and a half from where we had found the dogs . After about a half mile down this road , we saw a large building , which we soon saw was the Body of Christ Church . Just past the church , a baseball field , playground , and just past that , a small neighborhood , with paved roads , chain link fences surrounding mobile home type structures , many dogs in their yards . The first house we passed had a pit bull in the front , similar in color to Brando and Peanut . Alan stopped the car , walked toward the house , calling ( no way to go in with the dog in the yard ) . No answer . Across the street , four Chows added to the noise level . No people around . Alan got back in car . As he did so , a ragged man on a bike rode by . Alan waved him over and he gave us a toothless grin . " Do you know this dog ? " Alan indicates Brando in the back seat . " Oh , yeah , that 's Pizza , " the man says ( we found out later his name was Larry ) , he lives in the house on the corner . You can just drop him off in front . " Well , no way were we going to do that , but we did head down the street . After asking a few kids if they recognized the dogs ( most were clueless , but one agreed it was Pizza ) , Alan approached the house on the corner and called out . A man answered and come out to the street . Sure enough , they were his dogs ! The man said he had no idea how the dogs had traveled so far . As his kids watched through the window , Pizza and Peanut ( we didn 't hear her real name ) , obediently walked through the gate into their own yard . All told , this took us less than half an hour , most of it driving time from our home . As we drove away , Alan was overwhelmed for a moment by the experience . Somehow , with miles and miles of homes , ranches , empty territory , we drove straight to the correct place . When we driving , Alan told me that he had prayed last night for help in finding the owner so that he wouldn 't have to take the animals to the shelter . Well , we 've done it again . Out on a ride today , about nine miles from home , it is already hot , probably about 90 degrees by 9 : 00 am . This time it was me who saw the dog . Hiding in the bushes on the center divider . I called to Alan and we both turned around to check . Actually , there were two dogs . No collars ( of course ) . The older , larger dog was male and apparently the father of the female puppy . Scared , thirsty , apparently abandoned . This may seem like deja vu . As I 've mentioned in this blog before , my husband , Alan , is a dog rescuer . Actually , the Animal Rescuer is more appropriate , since he also takes care of the neighborhood feral cats . You may also remember that we rescued not one , but two abandoned dogs last August . I 've lost count of the times that Alan has found lost dogs wandering around the streets near our home and made sure that they were returned to their owners , sometimes with a stern lecture about tags or microchipping or some form of identification . We 've had many dogs parked in our front yard while Alan made phone calls to local vets , animal shelters and animal control offices trying to track down doggy families . He 's made posters and hung them up around town . He 's walked or driven around the neighborhood on the lookout for missing owners . Of course , I do my part too , which mostly involves not complaining when he brings home another dog . Neither of us could possibly leave a stray dog in a dangerous situation . So that brings us back to this morning 's adventure . As Alan got off his bike to investigate , I was a little concerned because both dogs were obviously pit bull mixes . The male had some scarring on his side . I love all dogs , but I know what evil humans can do to a dog 's spirit . But I had no cause to worry this time . Both dogs were very scared , but very sweet . They let Alan touch them and pet them ( homeless dogs always seem to sense something about him ) . We had no plain water , but they were happy to sip on some of Alan 's Cytomax . Now , though , we needed a plan to get these dogs ( and us ) out of the sun and safe . Last year , Alan was the one to hurry home to get the car , the reasoning being that he was the faster rider and could get it done quicker . Good reasoning , but this year , I was the chosen one , since he had bonded with the dogs . I believe I stepped up to the plate today , averaging about 18 mph on the way home . Once there , I quickly changed my shorts ( no matter what , I have to get out of my bike shorts right away ) , grabbed some water , a bowl , and two leashes , and headed out the door . Once I got back , we had to carry the dogs to the car . They seemed scared and unused to being on a leash . In fact , I don 't think the puppy has ever been on a leash , she seems totally at a loss as to how to behave . We got Alan 's bike in the car , and headed home . We will not be keeping these dogs . Our friends know we 're a little crazy , but even we know that we don 't have room for two more dogs . Alan has been working the neighbors , friends , facebook , on the lookout for a good home . On the off chance that the dogs really were lost and not abandoned , he will make some calls on Monday , tomorrow we will drive around the area in which we found the dogs in case signs are posted . In the meantime , Brando and Peanut ( yes , he 's named them ) are happily esconced in our shady front yard . It is hot out today , but we have a huge tree out front , and we can keep the grass wet which cools the area off nicely . Brando discovered the kittens couch : 1 Comment » >… From Dogster reminding me that it was Goldie 's birthday . Of course , I had to go to the website to check out her page , which reminded me to add Olivia and Lily to the site . For those who don 't know , or who aren 't dog nuts like I am , Dogster is a website that allows you to post photos , videos , stories , and other data about your dog , plus make " Pup Pals " with other dogs and their owners . Subscribers are also kept up to date about dog - related news and information . Cat lovers don 't despair , just direct your browser to Catster , which provides the same services to feline aficionados . I , of course , am a member of both . Anyway , Goldie turned six today . Of course , since she was rescued off the street , her age is an estimate and we picked the date ( which is also my sister Sue 's birthday , who died from cancer almost six years ago . That 's for another post on another day . ) The same holds true for all of our dogs except Sidney , who was a puppy when we adopted him . All this made me realize that I haven 't really posted the family story yet . The doggy family story , that is . I have written about Olivia and Lily , and their introduction to the pack , but this story really starts over 10 years ago … The first pets that Alan and I brought home were Boris and Natasha . We had just moved in together , in 1998 , and felt we were ready for " children . " We headed out to the Orphan Pet Oasis , the no - kill shelter in North Palm Springs , and adopted our two wonderful kittens . They are not related , but after 11 years together they certainly are family . Later that year , we rescued Lulu . I was working at the La Quinta Senior Center at the time , and one day , she just walked in the automatic doors . Seriously . I brought her home that night , intending to take her to the Pet Oasis the next day . Long story short , Lulu became the first canine member of our little family . Sadly , Lulu was an escape artist . Impossible to keep her in the yard , it eventually led to her death , hit by a car only two years later . She was a wonderful dog and I still want to cry when I think about her life and her untimely death . Before we lost Lulu , however , we adopted Morena . Ah , Morena , our Bloodhound . Alan had always wanted a Bloodhound and when his mother saw an ad in the Desert Sun , we jumped at the chance . The family who kept her also had three other dogs , including two Mastiffs , who picked on Morena . Although she weighed in at about 110 pounds at the time , these larger dogs nipped at her and chased her , until even the family who loved her realized she needed a better , safer home . She was three at the time and she spent 10 years with us , until her death earlier this year . I wrote about it at the time . Lulu was an Australian Cattle Dog ( mixed , we think with Akita - she looked like someone had stuck an Akita head on her body ) . After we lost her , Alan 's way of mourning was to look tirelessly at the ACD rescue websites . He spent hours looking at these wonderful dogs who needed good homes . Finally , we found Sidney , an Australian Cattle Dog puppy , offered by a " breeder " in Escondido . I put breeder in parentheses because she was a poor excuse for a breeder . We were led by our sadness and our need for a dog , but she ran a dirty operation . I have learned a lot about bad breeders over the last few years and now know we should never have dealt with this person . Not that I would give up our little boy Sidney for all the knowledge in the world . When we took Sidney home , he was so infested with worms , the vet told us that he could have died if we hadn 't taken care of the problem as quickly as we did . Sidney is a sweet , smart , wonderful dog , but poor breeding has led to serious issues . He is now blind , after having undergone eye surgery several years ago . That is not to say that he is handicapped . He is so smart , he gets around so well you 'd hardly know he can 't see . Sid is nine now , starting to get a little arthritis , but still going strong . About a month after Sid came home , a neighbor knocked on our door . With him he had a Dalmatian that he said he had found hanging around his front yard . She had no collar . He said he was going to call local shelter to see if he could find the owner . By the time Alan and I came home from work the next day , the neighbor had called Animal Control and had the dog picked up . We were angry about that , fearing that sending her to the animal shelter was sending her to her death . I called up the shelter , put my name in ( with a nine day waiting period ) , and set about finding her a home . The one person I found decided she was too old ( around seven ) , so after the nine days , Dixie came home with us . Dixie was our introduction to Dalmatians , and she was wonderful ! She had a sweet , gentle disposition ( although she really didn 't like our cats ) . We had Dixie in our lives for only one year . She became ill , then was finally diagnosed with a brain tumor . It broke our hearts the day we had to carry her into the Animal Specialty Hospital to say goodbye . A few months later , Alan and I participated in a 5k race in Palm Springs that benefited the Animal Samaritans . We brought Sidney and Morena because it was a dog friendly race . Volunteers from local shelters also were out there , each with a dog wearing a vest that said " Adopt Me . " When we saw a young , skinny , scared Dalmatian wearing her vest , Alan and I exchanged a look . That was all it took . We knew that Penny would be a part of our family . A couple years later , although I know better , I was reading the " adoptable pets " section of the newspaper . I saw a picture of a young dog that I thought looked very much like Sidney , our Cattle Dog . The paper called her a " Kettle Terrier . " I called , and they said , yes , she is a Cattle Dog mixed with some type of terrier . I was hooked , and my lovely husband was right there with me . We headed out to the shelter , where given an opportunity to take the dog out to a small fenced - in area , she quickly jumped up on Alan 's lap and gave him a hug . Really , she hugs , actually wraps her arms around you and hugs . One hug was all it took , Sassy was ours . Not only does Sassy hug , she snuggles , cuddles , and kisses . She is our sweet , needy , baby , and when she got hit by a car a few years ago , it almost did us in . Fortunately , she survived and now is the " bossy little sister " of the household . She needs tons of attention , but returns it with tons of love . When we first saw Goldie , she was alone in the streets , wandering behind a woman who wouldn 't claim her . We were walking our dogs , and certainly couldn 't leave a dog alone on the street . We brought her home . Goldie and Sassy have some " issues " and we keep them separate so they won 't fight . It is all in a days work at the Woodruff 's ! A few years ago , Goldie injured her back , to the point that we thought she may never be able to walk again . Again , off to the Animal Specialty Hospital . Either spend thousands for surgery , with about a 50 % chance of walking again , or don 't , with about a 50 % chance . Huh ? We opted for no surgery , but Alan spent hours on physical therapy , working with Goldie , moving her back legs , walking her ( using a strap to support her back end ) . Then came the day , after several months of this , that Goldie wagged her tail . The first time since her accident ! From there on , it was all good . Now , Goldie walks , runs , jumps , leaps on the furniture . So , her back end is a little wobbly . She doesn 't care and it never slows her down . So that was the story , up until the addition of Olivia and Lily . Now , you know why Alan and I are pretty busy and tend to stay close to home . Anyway , Happy Birthday , Goldie ! 3 Comments » > As I posted on Twitter and Facebook last night , we have another new member of our family . Her name is Lily . Another little dog in another bad situation . Is it happening more often ? Or are Alan and I somehow fated to find these dogs in need ? I 'm not sure , but here is Lily 's story : Alan and I were on the way home from Cross Country Practice . We 'd stopped at the grocery store for dinner supplies . It was a little after 7 : 00 . As we drove up the street toward our home , a little black and white dog crossed the street in front of us . She was very small , and we could see that she did not have a collar . I pointed her out to Alan , who had already seen her . He slowed down as she crossed the street and started heading down a side road . We turned and followed her . We hoped to find out where she lived and get her safely home . Hoping that we 'd lucked out and this was her home , I knocked on the door and a young girl answered . She told me that it wasn 't her dog , but that she lived across the street , on the corner . As Alan went to the door , I stayed to keep an eye on the dog , to make sure she didn 't try to run away again . As I stood there , a woman came out of the first house ( apparently the mother of the young girl ) . As I waited for Alan , this woman started to tell me about how badly the owners treated this poor little dog . She said they threw rocks at her , didn 't care if she ran all over ( I could see that already ! ) . I was wishing I 'd talked to her before Alan had a chance to knock on the owner 's door . In the meantime , someone had answered the door at the owner 's house . He came out , but he acted like he just didn 't care . He made no attempt to pick her up or call her to come to him . In fact , he just went back into his own house ! When he did , I called Alan over and filled him in on what I had been told . The woman told us that she left food out for the dog , but she already had two dogs and couldn 't take any more . She said that this poor animal preferred to sit on her lawn than go to her own home . She wanted to call animal control , but she was afraid if they took the dog , she would end up being put down . Alan told her that he would give her is business card , and to call him before animal control . We didn 't want a confrontation , but we did want to get the dog out of her awful situation . At that point , the owner ( who was hovering around his front gate and probably heard what was being said ) came out . He said " well , she just showed up here a couple months ago , she 's not really my dog . " We were quick to jump on that and told him that if he didn 't want her , we would take her . He said fine . Not wanting to give him a chance to change his mind , we walked back across the street , where the woman picked up the dog and handed her to Alan . She was so scared ! If we moved too quickly , she would snap in self - defense , so we slowly took her to the car , talking calmly , and holding her tightly . As we pulled away , Alan said , " Are you sure ? " I knew what he meant ( six dogs ! ) and said " yes . " " If they don 't get along , we can find her another home , but for now , she 's with us . " So we drove home and reminiscent of a few days ago , set the little dog down on our front lawb and brought the " pack " out to meet her . She was much more scared than Olivia had been , and tended either to shrink away or snap at the other dogs . I can 't blame her for that . if I had five dog snouts sniffing every bit of my body , I 'd be snapping too ! Although she needed a bath , it was getting late , we were getting hungry , so we decided it could wait until the next day . I brought her in the house , showed her where the water bowl was and put her down on the ground . She was too tense to drink anything , and even though she acted hungry , she didn 't want to eat either . We tossed a couple names around and decided to name her Lily . Much better that " Crispy , " which is what the previous owner said " uh , that 's what we call her . " I tried to keep the dogs from annoying her too much , but it is a process that dogs need to go through to establish the proper order in their pack , so , staying close , I let them work it out . She stayed right there for the rest of the evening and the dogs eventually got bored and left her alone . When we headed off to bed , we let her stay there as the rest of the pack followed us into the bedroom . When I woke up this morning , the first thing I did was check on Lily . I found that she had moved from her spot . In fact , she was comfortably settled in on the couch in the living room . She was much more relaxed , and even looked happy to see me ! The morning went fine . She ate a little . I 'm so used to big dogs , that I 'm not sure how much little dogs are supposed to eat . I 've already seen that Olivia doesn 't eat that much either . She also piddled on the kitchen rug , but we 'll work on that . I doubt that she 'd ever been on a leash , but she was happy to follow the other dogs and all enjoyed their walk . By the time I left for work , Lily and Olivia were actually playing . So it looks like this little dog will be fitting right our pack . We are happy to have her . Happy to be the " Dog Rescuers " again . It 's what we do . dogs 3 Comments » > When I headed out for my ride this morning , I had some vague idea that I would ride 100 miles and complete my August century . After all , the weather has been unseasonably cool ( relatively , of course , we are in the desert ) . This morning it was in the mid seventies , dry , really a nice morning . I missed out on riding Cool Breeze , and I don 't know when I 'll have another chance without heading west for nicer weather . Even with cooler weather , though , the temperature would heat up to around 104 , so when we didn 't get started until 6 : 25 , I knew my chances for a century were slim . It 's one thing to head out for a short ride in such weather , but to try to complete 100 miles … well , it wouldn 't be fun . And that 's what this is all about , isn 't it ? It was a beautiful morning , though . The sunrise was stunning , the sun a red globe low in the east ( my pictures don 't do it justice ) . The new plan was to ride about 50 - 60 miles along our usual route , east of La Quinta . There is very little traffic and lots of open roads and lovely views . About 10 miles in , we pass the SilverRock Golf Resort , which is where we will be holding our 11th Annual Turkey Trot 5k Run / Walk . I cruised in for a minute to take a couple photos . It is not complete yet ( the golf course is , but the resort part is not ) , which actually makes for a better location for our race . It is a beautiful setting , definitely worth the photo ops . From there , we took one of our regular routes . As we were heading toward home , I suggested to Alan that we take a slightly different route , that would take us past some calves that I have been watching grow up . He is as nutty about baby animals as I am , so we headed up a different street . We were riding past the cattle , side by side , when he suddenly pulled over . I thought that maybe he had a flat , so I stopped and turned around . I looked back and saw Alan bent over trying to get a small , scruffy dog to come to him . I have blogged before that my husband should be called the dog rescuer , so it was no surprise to see this little dog lower itself to it 's belly and shuffle toward him . I held back a little , not wanting to startle it , but as soon as Alan starting petting the dog , I joined in . In fact , I picked her up and tucked her into my arms . We were in a very desolate area . The closest house was about a half mile down the road , but there was nothing else there , just empty desert on one side , palm trees and cows on the other . Fortunately , my husband and I see eye to eye on many things , including this : There was no way we could leave this little dog out there , where if she didn 't get hit by a car or eaten by coyotes , she would surely die from lack of water or food . The only question was who would go get the car . Alan nicely suggested that I do it , but since he is the faster rider , it made sense for him to go . We were about 10 miles from home , so he rode hard all the way , got the car and came back for us . Olivia ( for that is what I named her while we waited ) and I stayed behind , tried to find some shade , and barked at the cows ( she did the barking , I just took pictures of them ) . We also gave her a bath , the poor thing was filthy . Shortly after , we headed out to Petco , where she was a hit . The gals at Petco believe she is a Brussels Griffon ( or partly anyway ) and after looking at pictures of that breed , I agree . We picked her out a pretty pink halter and some puppy food ( not sure how old she is , but she is young and very skinny ) . Monday we 'll take her to the vet for a check up and shots .

Happy Birthday ! Jason turned 30 years old today , and I 'm looking forward to the next 30 + . Of course that would put me over 90 , so perhaps I 'm stretching things a bit . . . or not . I meant to go for a long bike ride today - about 30 miles - but due to some coordination efforts , and me not wanting to get up this morning , it was put off . I 'll have to wait a couple of days before the opportunity comes along again . Besides , it is supposed to be warmer tomorrow , and I 'm not sure I want to ride in the heat . The girls are both doing well , as is Linda . Jason kicked back for a good portion of the day , and in general it has been a very nice birthday for Jason . We had a little party at the end of the day , and we all had some cake ( or at least a cup cake ) . Jason likes chocolate cake and I don 't , so I had a nice little white cup cake . Linda was being her normal creative self , and had a 2 and a 9 candle on the cake , with a separate solitary candle placed in front of the two numbers . I thought it was a cute way to indicate 30 . The girls got their baths , and insisted on Grandpa telling them a story , so after Grandma got them in bed I took over . I think it is because when I tell them the story I will shake the bed for earth quakes and stuff like that . My stories are very active . . . ; - ) Anyway , they 're both asleep by now , and I am just finishing up the blog . Thank you , for all your continued support and all the prayers , take care and stay positive . Today was a totally relaxed day for Jason , though the morning started out a little on the confusing side . Initially we thought we were going to be needing to take Jackie in to see a doctor , scheduled appointment , but then found out we didn 't need to . We had all gotten up early and had a quick breakfast and were ready to go , when the change came in . Actually , it worked out nicely for me , as it allowed me to get out early for a bike ride , and I did a quick 15 miler . What I really need to do is to find the time to get out and do a longer ride , and I hope I can do that tomorrow . I feel like I 'm not making enough progress getting ready for the EOD Ride coming up in October , but I guess I still have some time to work on it . Anyway , the day just kind of remained laid back after that and it was really nice . I guess because we all got up so early , around noon everybody decided to take a nap . Even Jackie was now with us , and Stacy was at Day Care , and she was ready to get some sleep . With everyone napping I decided it was an opportunity for me to head over to Anthony 's place and pick up the ramps needed , to get the paramobile into and out of the truck . I went over and Anthony gave me some pointers on what to do and how to get the machine to work for me , rather than against me . He didn 't charge me anything for the ramps , and they are nice folding ramps , so it was like an early birthday present for Jason . I got back over to the house and shortly latter everyone , except Jackie was waking up . Josh came over to visit with Jason , and it was getting to be more of the " normal " type day . I finally went over to pick up Stacy , and the traffic was terrible . I was happy that I wasn 't under any particular time schedule , and the traffic was moving , just crazy slow , along with some very discourteous drivers . Some folks get into a hurry and loose all their manners , and I guess I am even subject to that sometimes . I barbecued some burgers , well I guess I should be saying grilled , and we had a very nice and simple dinner . Actually , Linda had purchased this little slider cooker , so I tried it on the grill and it worked great . We ended up with six sliders and three regular sized burgers . The sliders are all gone . . . ; - ) The girls all went down for bed with no trouble and then the day was over . Tomorrow is Jason 's birthday . He will be 30 years old . When the first two , George and David , turned 30 I felt a little older , but this time , Jason is turning 30 and I am 60 ( soon to be 61 ) . I remember having a baby shower while working at National Semiconductor , for Jason . I had always thought women had baby showers , not guys , but there I was , and it turned out really nice . Anyway , happy birthday , Jason . You are an amazing young man and both Mom and Dad are very proud of you , and so glad that you 're still here with us . . . we love you . Today was another of those days where things just go the way they are supposed too , and then things got better . Yeah , it was one of those days that you wish you had more of . We got up this morning and had a quick breakfast , and then we all loaded up - Linda , Jason and I - into the van and we headed off for the dentist . I know , that doesn 't sound so wonderful to most , but I haven 't been to a dentist in almost three years , and we have come to know one ; through a friend , and this dentist is doing the work for no charge . Anyway , I 'm digressing . . . I went inside for my appointment and Linda and Jason went over to General Tom Lightner 's place , where he and his wife , Carol , were hosting us for lunch later in the day . At the dentist , I found out that I actually did have a cavity . Not much of one , but there it was , and it will have to be addressed . I was also told that my dental hygiene was very good and my teeth were amazingly clean considering how long it has been since seeing a dentist , even for a cleaning . That was good news , and the day even got better . We went over to Tom 's house , where Linda , the receptionist ( not my wife this time ) from the dentist 's office , drove me . She was invited to lunch there as well . Then a short while later , Kevin and his wife Stephanie ( the dentist and hygienist ) also came over . Finally , Rev . Tom Straeter , the pastor at Grace Presbyterian came over . It was great getting a chance to meet all these new folks , in a nice social setting . It would have been better if the girls had been with us , but that wasn 't the case . We wanted to come today , because of the unique opportunity to have all of us there at the same time . The lunch was enjoyable , with sandwiches , salad , chips and drinks , all out on the patio . Tom and Carol have a very nice home , and it is amazingly relaxing to be there . Tom even built a couple of ramps so that Jason was able to move around the house , and go in or out to the patio . Then the final good news came , and that was that the girls were coming back to Jason 's place , tonight . That is a day earlier than planned . I 'm not sure who was happier , Linda or Jason . The girls showed up and they were all excited to be here , and wanted to show Daddy all of the stuff they had with them . Jason 's birthday is on the 31st , and they brought him a cake , as well as a birthday card . You could tell Stacy was very proud of it . It was a little later in the day and they needed to get dinner down , so that was taken care of , then the bath . That pretty much ends the day , and now I 'm ending the blog . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers - Take care and stay positive . Another relaxed easy day , though it was the first without the girls , in several days . Jason pretty much stayed in bed , until early afternoon . Linda was busy around the house doing some extra cleaning and laundry , and I went for a nice bike ride over to Cabrillo National Park , then over to Ocean Beach - total of 18 miles of hilly terrain . Then this afternoon I received a call that the supplies I requested were in , and so we all decided to go over together . Jason had a couple of things he wanted to take care of , and it gave Linda a nice chance visit with CDR Ledyard . After that visit Jason asked us if we 'd like to go see the new Star Trek Movie , and we did , so we went . We all liked the movie , and enjoyed how it was put together . There were MANY references to past movies , and TV shows , but it was done so well , it was a good movie . Tomorrow we will be heading over to Gen . Tom Lightner 's place , and I have a dental appointment . It will be the first time I 've been to a dentist in over two years , so I expect to be given some less than stellar updates on the chompers . At least I 'm going though , and that 's the important thing . Thank you , all for the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today started out with a little bit of switch . We thought we were supposed to take the girls over to their " other " home , but as it turned out , instead of 07 : 30 it was 19 : 30 and obviously 12 hours later than first thought . Jason recognized the break in communications , literally just as we were getting ready to walk out the front door . We had a little bit of a laugh and then decided to go to breakfast . We ended up over at iHop , where we ate out on their patio area . It was nice and relaxed , and set the pace for the rest of the day . After breakfast we went shopping , where Jason bought a few things for the girls and Linda bought a few things for the house . Me , I didn 't do any buying this time around , but I did get to push the shopping cart . . . ; - ) We did a few more things and then the girls went down for their nap . We were planning on going over to visit with Anthony Netto , and have a little barbecue a little later in the day , and that is what happened , after the girls got up from their nap . There is a nice park over at Anthony 's where we discovered that Jackie has a love for the swings . She couldn 't get high enough . Grandma was pushing and she was swinging back and forth , then Grandpa stepped in . I got her to swing even higher and she loved it . Of course Grandma and Daddy got nervous , but Jackie and Grandpa were having a great time . The swinging only lasted for a few minutes and then Jackie ran over to the play structure to join Stacy . Stacy was all over the place , running up and down the ladders and slides . By the time we went to eat dinner , they were both pretty dirty . Stacy just needed to clean up a bit and Jackie needed to change clothes . After dinner the girls were dropped off , and I 'm guessing they will sleep well tonight - after their bath . We look forward to our next time segment with the two of them , and seeing what new and exciting things we can discover . Thank you for all the continued support and prayers - Take care and stay positive . Aside from his shower this morning , Jason has spent the day in bed , effectively resting up and allowing himself the chance to get ready for tomorrow . Tomorrow isn 't anything special , other than being Memorial Day , recognized ( I still feel the 30th is Memorial Day - but it doesn 't always fall on a weekend , and we have to have a weekend ! ) . We will be heading over to Anthony 's for a barbecue and the three of us , Jason , Linda and me will spend a little relaxing time with him . The girls will be going back to their mom tomorrow morning , so it is a little bid of a sad day for us , though it has been a great 11 days . I took Stacy over to the pool , here in the complex , as she has asked a couple of times about going over there . It is actually the first time , in all the time we 've been here , that we went to the pool . It is nice in that it isn 't any more than 4 ft . deep , with a large portion that is only 3 1 / 2 ft deep . Stacy stayed in the shallower portion and had a great time . That is until it was time to get out . The sun was going down and it was starting to cool off , and she didn 't like the sudden ' cold ' on her . I got her all wrapped up in a towel and then carried her back to the house . She talked about the pool with Daddy and Grandma for about 1 / 2 hour solid . Jackie didn 't go to the pool , then again , she really hasn 't shown any interest yet for getting into the water . I am guessing that perhaps in another year or so we 'll be playing with her in the pool , too . I did get out for a nice bike ride , early this morning , and rode with Mike and Kim , who came over to pick me up . Kim is one of the therapists from Occupational Therapy ( OT ) and Mike is her husband who recently returned from a deployment . They took me over to Coronado Island and then showed me this great trail that goes most of the way around the island , or completely around the bay . We ended up only going 17 miles , and when it was done I felt like a had a good ride . Both of them ride faster than me , but that 's okay - I told them I 'm not very fast , but I do keep going . I am thinking about going for another ride tomorrow , prior to going over to Anthony 's , but it all depends on how I feel in the morning . Thank you , all for all the continued support and prayers . I ask that you continue to keep those who risk their lives for us , in your prayers and to do all you can to support them , for what they do for us . Take care and stay positive . Originally we had planned on going to a park and letting the kids play there , but they were having so much fun at the house we just decided to stay there . Jason made himself comfortable on the couch , and we effectively stayed in the one room . There is a smaller " play room " off the larger main room , and the kids spent a good amount of time there . We also spent some time out on the patio where Dylan was very excited to share and show his two cousins all the great things he had and could do with a wagon . David brought out a cardboard box , with some holes cut out and asked who wanted to be a robot , and of course all of them did . Then almost as fast , their attention jumped to doing other things . Jackie was particularly interested in a basketball , and tossing it up to the hoop ( the hoop was about five feet off the ground . She made every basket . Finally Stacy and Dylan made a great team playing with Dylan 's T - ball set up . Neither of them knew exactly how to swing the bat ( even after Miriam attempted to show them ) , but that was okay , they had fun anyway and that 's what really mattered . We had a nice lunch with all of us in the main room and then we all took a nap . I stayed down with Jason , as I am still a bit of a worry wart . Stacy made a little sleep area for herself in a " tent " that Dylan had set up ; Linda was upstairs with Jackie ; and both Dylan and Ethan were in their beds ( even David and Miriam got a chance to get some rest ) . It was 100 % fun and play time for the kids , and they managed to do it was some very simple toys , none of which were electronic . After the nap there was a little play , then some time out back , where Dylan and Stacy helped Grandpa pick some tomatoes ( we brought some home with us ) . David has made some simple changes to his yard and it is much more family friendly now , so that the kids can run around . Even Gracie , Jason 's service dog , was able to do a little running around , and you could tell she was having a great time . The only concern we had was that David has a cat , Luna , and she is not dog friendly . It all worked out , and no one was worse for the wear . The day had to come to an end , and we needed to get back before 21 : 00 ( 9 : 00pm ) , as we didn 't want to have the girls up too late . We did stop to eat dinner at Mimi 's restaurant , though that wasn 't the original plan . It was decided , while we drove that we needed to feed the girls before it got too late , and then we saw Mimi 's . The girls got down for the night , and the rest of us also got ready for bed . I am up finishing the bog , and then I 'm going to bed . I intend to go for a nice early bike ride tomorrow , and Jason and Linda both said they hope they can sleep in some . For me , an early bike ride means out before 08 : 00 and sleeping in to them mean not having to be up until after 08 : 30 . With as much as the girls did today I would be surprised if they get up earlier than that . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers and take care and stay positive . Another good day for Jason , and it all started with the arrival of Linda . She came in at about 07 : 45 , and we only had to circle around once to pick her up . As it was , we probably could have waited another 30 seconds and wouldn 't have had to circle at all . Anyway , we picked her up and we went off to breakfast , and had a nice chance to just sit down and talk . After that we headed over to the base and went up to Dermatology where they removed the sutures from behind Jason 's ear ( that 's where they took the skin for the skin growth experiment ) . That was a relatively quick appointment ( total time 20 minutes in and out ) , so we next headed over to see CMDR Ledyard , who had gotten some supplies for us . She is our main point of contact for wound dressing supplies and does a very good job of making sure we don 't have to wait too long for any of the items requested . She and Linda had a nice little visit , since they hadn 't seen each other in several months , so it was a good visit from multiple angles . Jason also made a stop to speak with Dr . Kim , and that was a nice short visit too . From there we decided to head over to see the girls at day care . Good thing we went over to the day care , because both Jason and I had forgotten about the luncheon that was going on today . It was their " end of year " celebration , and I had it in my head that it was next week . As it turned out , the celebration was just getting started . When we drove up , Jackie was out side with her class , and she saw us , so Linda and I went to see her while Jason went to go into Stacy 's class . Linda and I were over at Jackie 's class for several minutes and then finally went to go to Stacy 's . The kids were all doing there special rock dance and having a great time . I was kind of bummed out because I didn 't have my camera with me , so I attempted to take some pictures with my phone , and will have to figure out how to down load those so I can share them . After the dancing and some talking the lunch started , and there was a bunch of food brought in . Problem is that we were still pretty full from the big breakfast we had finished earlier . I had some fruit , as did Linda , and I think Jason didn 't have anything . When it was all done we were given the news that we would be taking the girls home with us and they were going to be spending the weekend with us , until Monday evening . That was really a pleasant surprise , considering that we had nearly missed the event totally . We also were able to make some solid plans about going up to see David and his family , so that we could all spend some time together . We plan on heading over to a nice park and letting the kids all go play with each other , and the adults are just going to relax and have a picnic . We got back to the house and everybody took a nap and the rest of the day was getting settled , and going shopping for some food . I grilled some hot dogs for dinner , along with a nice salad and some baked beans . The girls also had some fruit , and we were all pretty full by the time we were done . Grandma got to take the girls up for their bath and they were all excited about that ( so was I ) . Bed time came and then the day was effectively over . Only thing left was the last little bit of clean up and then this blog to update . Thank you , for all your continued prayers and support , it truly is appreciated . Take care and stay positive . Today has turned out to be a very good day all around . The only part that wasn 't totally up was the fact that we had to drop the kids off at day care and they are not with us tonight . We 've had them for just about a full week , so there are no complaints there . The only thing is that Linda ( Grandma ) is coming in tomorrow and the girls were looking forward to seeing her , especially Stacy . They 'll still get a chance while Linda is here , we just have to be flexible with our schedule , and I think we are . Jason had one appointment today , and that was with Van the wheelchair guy . It has been authorized for Jason to get a new chair because the current one really doesn 't " fit " him correctly . Before having all the HO removed he was actually four inches wider , so as you can imagine , he kind of " swims " in the current chair . It is probably going to take about a month to get the new chairs ( he 'll get another manual , too ) , with one of them being painted San Francisco Giants Orange . I thought that was pretty cool . The rest of the day was catching up with some folks , and it all worked out really well . Jason was in at Physical Therapy ( PT ) and he didn 't have to sit in his chair . He was able to effectively lay down on one of the tables , and he could spend time on his back as well as his belly . The surprise was that Dawn was back , and we hadn 't seen her in several weeks . It was a combination of Jason heading up to Livermore and then when we got back Dawn went on vacation for a couple of weeks . Anyway , he wasn 't scheduled for an appointment with PT , but Dawn was free so she did some catching up with Jason , and also worked his shoulders and arms . While all this was going on , a few other folks dropped by and it was just generally a very relaxed morning , visiting . Van came in after lunch and really only took about 30 minutes so we were headed back to the house by 13 : 15 ( 1 : 15pm ) . Not much for the rest of the day . Larry came by for a few hours to support Jason , so I took advantage of that time to go for a short bike ride . Actually this was one of the friendliest rides I 've been on . There were multiple riders out and three of them actually talked to me . I usually say , " Hi " or wave and don 't receive much response , but today three other people actually spoke to me , and in complete sentences . You know , real conversation . It was just another thing to make the day nice . Right now I need to get a few things done and then head off to bed , as Linda comes in early , 07 : 40 so I need to get up early enough to get Jason up and we can go pick her up . I just hope she isn 't too tired , because she has to be up even earlier . . . a lot earlier . If she is feeling up to it I might just take her to breakfast , since Jason 's first appointment isn 't until 10 : 00 . . . : - ) That 's all for now - thank you , all for all the continued support and prayers . God has a way of keeping me together , and days like today definitely help . Take care and stay positive . Another day , and another visit to the Wound Clinic . We got a chance to speak with Dr . Salt , from Plastics about some of the efforts being put forth to try to get the wounds closed up , and in one effort it is actually working against Jason . Dr . Salt agreed that the tissue expander would be left alone for the next couple of weeks to see if the " new " wound would start to close . If it does not then the expander would be reduced by a little bit to relieve some of the tension that the expander creates . It is a relatively slow process to get through all this , but then again the effort to grow / develop some of the collagen for Jason is going to take up to four months . All while he continues to receive laser treatment . Otherwise there wasn 't much going on today . He was able to pick up some of his meds from the pharmacy , and that was a bit of a challenge . For whatever reason one of the medications he is supposed to be on , on a daily basis was not being made available to Jason . We went back to the nurse practitioner , who ordered the meds , and she was surprised about their control . She went to her office and made a phone call or two and in a matter of a few minutes she came over to Jason and said all had been straightened out now the meds would be ready . A little later this evening I went over to the day care and picked up the girls - yes , they are spending another evening with us . They were both happy to see me show up and then when we got home they go to see Larry . Larry started back working with us today , this afternoon . It was good to see him and do some catching up . He is in good spirits and just as big as ever . Jason was very happy to see him and the two of them spent a good portion of the time Larry was here , just talking . After dinner tonight the girls had their bath and then they went to bed . That pretty much brought me up to the writing of this blog , and so now I finish this and then I am going to go to bed . Fortunately we don 't have many appointments tomorrow , so I can sleep in a little . Thank you for all your continued prayers and all the support being sent our way . Take care and stay positive . I got up early today , not because I needed to help Jason with anything in particular , or because I had to get the girls to day care ( they didn 't spend last night here ) , or for any other typical reason I have to get up early . Today I got up early because I wanted to go for a bike ride . Actually , I wasn 't up until 07 : 00 , and that much later than when I usually get up . I rode out to Cabrillo State Park , and took a couple of hours to make the round trip . It was quite hilly and it gave me a good work out . It also showed me just how out of shape I am . There were two other riders , going in the same direction as me , and they both passed me with little effort , and I felt terrible for that . I thought I should be able to keep up with them , or at least ride a little faster than I was moving . Anyway , it just motivated me to keep pushing to find time to ride . Jason had no appointments today , and the girls were not with us today , until after day care . That 's why I felt I would be able to take a couple of hours and do some good road work . Shortly after getting back to the house , well maybe a few hours after getting back , Jason got a text asking him to call , so he did . He was asked to pick up the girls from day care and have them spend the night . This was a total surprise as we didn 't expect to have the girls with us until sometime later , so obviously we were pretty happy to have the very nice gift , bestowed upon us . When we went to pick them up they were both very happy to see us and Jackie was actually able to see us drive up , since she was outside in the play area . It did mess with the schedule I had for the day , but that 's okay . We were able to head over to the store and pick up the things we needed , and I made spaghetti for dinner . Stacy says she loves my spaghetti so it was a win win all the way around . After dinner they went to go play with daddy , and daddy had some cookies for them , for desert and after that we didn 't even have to ask them to go brush their teeth , they just went and did it . They got their bath and then got ready for bed . It turned into a wonderful night and I can get those things I wanted to do today , tomorrow . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers and take care and stay positive . Today was a particularly easy day for Jason , as he only had the first appointment with Patient Care , where he goes to get refills for his prescriptions , and then with PT , where they worked on his shoulders and arms , and then he focused on his core . It was really kind of strange about how empty the place was , and I mean all over the base , then Jason asked where everybody was . One of the therapists said that there was a function today , off base , where a bunch of the Wounded Warriors had gone . I guess this jogged his memory because he talked about being asked to go and said he had forgotten about it . He forgot about it because he knew he wouldn 't have been able to go anyway . I glad the others were able to get out , and still there were a few guys in the gym . Otherwise we just kicked back and I cleaned the house a bit . Also found out that Larry , our in home aide is going to be coming back this week . Or , at least that was what I was told . First they have to come out and take a quick look around , do an exam of Jason and Jason has to respond to a bunch of questions . All of that is supposed to take place tomorrow , and then that should open the door , so - to - speak for Larry to come back in , and we can get a bit closer to what was going on before . Thank you , for all your continued prayers and support , and take care and be safe . Today we all slept in . . . no one was up before 07 : 00 . I know , to some that isn 't much sleeping in , but for me it is at least an extra hour , and I appreciated it . First thing was that I made some oatmeal with raisins , as that is one of the favorites of the girls . Actually Jackie likes the raisins , as does Jason and I , and Stacy prefers to have her 's without . Shortly after that we all got ready and headed over to Anthony Netto 's place , over in Pacific Beach . Funny thing that I just rode my bike over to his place a few days ago , on one of my longer rides , of about 15 miles , round trip . Anthony invited us over to have a nice " picnic lunch " and to let the girls enjoy the park that is in the area where he is living . Stacy , of course , was first to get over to the climbing structure and Jackie was a bit slower . Jackie just doesn 't have the same coordination development that Stacy has and therefore isn 't able to just jump right into climbing everything . Having said that , she sure wasn 't intimidated by any of the climbing areas , and went right up the ladders and down the slides . Then Stacy discovered this one area that is meant for a little older child and asked me to pick her up so she could use the overhead bars . I told her I didn 't think that was such a good idea because it was kind of high and I had to still watch Jackie . I wouldn 't be able to come help her if she needed it . She accepted that and went on to the swings . We finally sat down and had our picnic lunch and then headed over to the ice cream parlor , where Jackie really got into her chocolate ice cream . Both Anthony and Jason got a couple of pictures of her , in all her messy glory . Stacy wasn 't quite as bad , but then Jason managed to get chocolate on himself as well , as he devoured his rocky road ice cream . I had a double scoop of vanilla on a waffle cone . We headed back to the house a little after noon , and before we got back home both of the girls were out . I guess they burned off a bunch of energy running around the park . They slept for a few hours and during that time Gary K . came over for a short visit . He has been good with keeping in touch with Jason , and I think Jason appreciates it . The girls slept until late afternoon and then they got up . We did some playing around the house and then I made dinner . It was chicken , rice and mixed vegetables , and the girls both ate all their vegetables without much coaxing from me or Jason . I have been pleasantly surprised at how well they eat balanced meals . Stacy told me the doctor told her that eating the vegetables was good for her . In Jackie 's case I think she just likes to eat things that taste good . . . ; - ) Tomorrow is another day back to the appointment schedule , where we will be taking the girls to day care at about 07 : 30 , and then we won 't have them with us for another set of days . A regular schedule is being worked out , and it will be good when it finally is in place . Thank you , all for all your continued prayers and support , and take care and stay positive . It started out early , as Stacy had a soccer game to go to , and we needed to get her up early so she could get to the game early enough to get dressed in her gear . We didn 't have it with us , so we had to get her to the , game and then she could change into her uniform / gear . She did great and even scored a goal though they don 't keep score at this level . Jackie was having a great time on the side , while grandpa chased her around the field . The game ended and before we left Jason was able to receive some of the pictures from her team and the official photos of her play . While there Gracie was well behaved and really wasn 't much of a distraction , from what I could tell . After the game Jason wanted to head on over to the Uniform Shop , on MCRD ( Marine Corps Recruit Depot ) , and since that was where we were it was pretty easy . About two weeks ago Jason had gone over to the Uniform Shop and told them that he wanted to get a new dress blue jacket . Obviously he has changed in size , in different ways so they said it wouldn 't be a problem . First they found out that they didn 't have anything large enough , on their racks . Then they said to head on over to their tailoring shop to be measured , and to bring those measurements back to them . Well , today he brought the measurements back over to them , but before handing the numbers to them he went and purchased all the ribbons and meddles he has earned , a new belt and buckles , and a few other things the new jacket will require . He then gave them the numbers / measurements and they told him that they would not be able to do anything for him , and that he would need to go to Miramar or Pendelton . Because it took so long to get through the meddles and stuff it was now very close to noon , and the girls ( and me too ) were getting hungry and tired . We decided to head on back to the house . I fixed them a lunch and got them to lay down for a nap . Jason was needing to lay down to , as he had been up for several hours by now . Once everybody was fed and down for a nap I went up stairs to engage in a conference call with PMI ( San Francisco Bay Area Chapter ) . As it turned out , the timing was excellent and I was able to stay for the entire call , and I felt as though I was actively participating in the group . Actually , I dropped off from the call just as it was coming to an end , but Jackie was making noise and I could hear her so I new I needed to get moving . I decided to do the old , " breakfast for dinner " selection for dinner tonight and the girls loved it . Stacy actually ate more than Jackie did , and that is very unusual . She really likes my pancakes because she ate almost as much as I did , plus the eggs and bacon . The only down side was that we are now out of eggs . . . I guess we 'll have cereal tomorrow . After dinner they got their baths , as usual and then tonight daddy read stories to them . Stacy selected a bunch of these books and both she and Jackie climbed up on the bed with Jason and he just read to them . I have posted a couple of the pictures to show what it looked like . I think you 'll understand why I decided to take a couple of the pictures . Anyway , after that they were very happy and they both went to bed with no problems at all . Thank you , all for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Not much to report today , though there is some new information that we need to get some clarification on . Because of the questions still associated with it I don 't want to give out wrong or misleading information . Just know that today has been one of those days where you have to question sanity of people in positions of power or influence . I did get in a bike ride in a hilly area , and I need to get more of those type rides in . My legs need to exercise more if I 'm going to be making the two - day ride . We also got the chance to take Gracie to the vet , and now she has a doctor where Jason is comfortable taking her . Prior we would had to drive about 30 miles north to get to the vet , so this is much better , and closer . The girls had a great day and dinner , and even a fun bath . I think about the only thing that might not have been as much fun was when I had to wash their hair . Actually they 're pretty good about it , and Linda gave me instruction that I am to braid their hair after their bath . It helps with the tangles the next morning , and since tomorrow the girls have to get up early , we don 't want to have unnecessary delays . The reason they have to get up early is that Stacy has a soccer game . Only two more for this year , and Jason wants to watch . Today was a little different , as Jason 's first appointment was with dental . He had not been to Dental , in Balboa , since coming here last year , actually I guess it was over a year ago , at the end of 2011 . Anyway , he had a dental appointment back in Bethesda and apparently that information didn 't make it to Balboa . He now has another chart / folder to keep track of , and , in his words , " something else to loose . " The visit was uneventful , and his teeth are fine , as far as we know . After that appointment we went over to Wound Care , where we really didn 't do much other than to change the dressing and talk with Dawn about how he was feeling . After that we headed on back home . About the most exciting thing that happened , did so while we were waiting to see Dawn , where we could see out one of the windows , that they were doing some sort of exercise over at one of the bases . As a large plane flew over you could see " spots " come out of the back of the plane and then parachutes opened up . This happened a couple of times and , like I said , was the most interesting thing for the day , up to that point . Of course after that we did have some fun , but that was expected . I picked up the girls from day care at about 16 : 25 ( 4 : 25pm ) and they both were very excited to see me , and wanted to get home to see their daddy . Jason didn 't come as he was feeling a bit sore still from the laser work that had been done , and he describes it as feeling like he has a very bad sunburn . After I picked them up we went over to the store to pick up some bread and lettuce and a couple other things , then we went on home and they were happy to see Gracie as I opened the door . They then proceeded to run to " daddy 's " room , and you could see on Gracie 's face a bit of confusion . She is adapting very well to all these continual changes , and I guess she just views this as another one . We had a great , and simple dinner ( I barbecued / grilled some hot dogs and hamburgers ) , and attempted to later watch a video , but as luck would have it . . . the DVD player decided to stop working . We don 't normally watch much in the way of TV or DVDs so I had no idea it was no longer functional . Something we 'll need to take care of , down the road . The girls had a great time playing tonight , and decided to play camp out . Stacy built a small " camp site " in their bedroom , and Jackie was having a great time doing whatever Stacy asked her to do . I guess it was better than a DVD anyway . Thank you , for all your continued prayers and support - Take care and stay positive . Well , another exciting day of PT ( Physical Therapy ) and picking up meds - okay , so that really isn 't too exciting . It was nice to have a relatively relaxed day after the procedure of yesterday , so in a sense it was a very positive day and I suppose that can be exciting . Mike , in PT , worked with Jason , on his shoulders and on strengthening both his arms and torso . The Sergeant Major came in a short while after Jason got there , and he was giving Jason a little bit of a hard time , and then Jason turned around and gave the Sergeant Major a hard time . They have been both showing up at PT at about the same time and constantly teasing each other about how fat they 've gotten or some other aspect that neither of them show . Actually it is turning into a pretty good friendship , and having a Sergeant Major as a friend probably won 't hurt Jason 's career at all . The number of patients has dropped considerably at the hospital , and it is easy to tell just be looking around . I take this as a good sign , meaning that there are fewer and fewer people coming back from Afghanistan with war injuries , thus this is a good thing . Because there are fewer people , going to the pharmacy for a prescription doesn 't take very long either , but there is still a need to wait some , just to have them fill the right number of pills or whatever is being picked up . After the pharmacy we went over to building 26 to sign a couple of documents , because I am his NMA ( non - medical attendant ) I had to sign two of them as well . We came back to the house shortly after that and then simply stayed home . Jason took his shower , since he did have a good work out at PT , and I changed the sheets on his bed . Lunch was a couple of burritos we picked up and then it was nap time , for Jason . I tried to catch up on my email and a few other things . Dinner came around and finally my time to update the blog . That brings us to right here ( reminds me of Space Balls , a Mel Brooks movie , dumb but very funny ) . Thank you , for all your continued prayers and support , and take care and stay positive . Jason had an early morning appointment with Dermatology , so we were asked to be over at the Naval Base Hospital by 06 : 30 this morning . The coordination was a little thin , as they had a couple of forms we were asked to fill out and bring in , and then when we brought them in they said , " Oh , you don 't need those . " So I guess it was one of those " just in case " kind of things . Anyway , we found our way over to the clinic and the folks were all there waiting for us . Within about 10 minutes we were in the prep room , and from there into the procedure room in about another 15 minutes . Now , I hope you 're noticing that I am saying " we " here , because they invited me to come along , as well as having Gracie ( the service dog ) there , too . It was the first time I had been invited to watch the full procedure of lazing the wounds and it was really kind of cool . The reason they wanted me to be there was because I have been dealing with his wound dressings for so long that they consider me the best person to replace the dressings once they were finished . As it was I had brought along all the stuff to do the dressing change . Jason wanted to be sure there wasn 't any issues with not having supplies . Once we were done we headed back home . Jason 's recovery was actually pretty quick . Within 30 minutes of being fully sedated he was back up in his wheelchair , heading back to the van . Gracie was a champ as well . I simply placed her in a corner of the small room , to keep her out of the way and she didn 't move . There were 8 doctors , 2 nurses and a corpsman , along with the lazier equipment tech and me . With that many feet moving around I wanted to be sure Gracie was comfortable as well as safe . Shortly after getting Jason back home , and fed ( neither of us had eaten anything ) I came upstairs to check on my email , and respond to a couple of phone calls . Once that was all done I decided to go ahead and get a bike ride in . Since it was just Jason and I , and Jason was sitting comfortably in his bed ( and sleeping ) , I figured I could get a quick 10 - 12 miler in . That isn 't how it worked out . I took off and road over to Sea World , and found that it is a lot closer than I thought , so I figured I 'd just ride a little farther up the road and then turn around . As it turned out I ended up riding all the way over to Anthony Netto 's place , and stopped in for a short visit ( and rest ) , and then headed back to the house . This is where the trouble began . I got all the way back to Sea World okay , but then for whatever reason I decided to make a right turn , one intersection too early . I figured I could always just cross back over and that would be okay , except there is no easy cross over and it added another 6 miles to my ride . Final ride turned out to be 18 miles , and my legs were feeling it . Funny thing is that Jason was just waking up when I came in , so he didn 't know I was gone for so long . Tomorrow we get back into the swing of his regular schedule of appointments , and I expect that it will be a bit more of a relaxed day . The procedure of today only causes a little tenderness with Jason , so it isn 't too much to recover from . They also did a tiny skin " harvest " , behind his left ear , that will be used to help with a different procedure , about three months from now . You will find out more on that as we go along . Thank you , for your continued prayers and support - take care and stay positive . First we went over to OT ( Occupational Therapy ) to go say , " Hi ! " to Lynn . I had left something in the van , so I told Jason to go ahead , and I 'd meet him there . The funny thing is , as I was coming back into the building , Lynn was coming in also . Jason was already in the room when I walked in with Lynn and I think it surprised him a little . It was the first time we had see Lynn in several weeks , so it was good to get a chance to sit and talk with her for a few minutes . She wanted to know how things went on the trip to Livermore , and when was Linda coming back down . We didn 't stay too long , as she was working , so we then headed over to PT ( Physical Therapy ) . In this case though , Jason did have an appointment - we were just 30 minutes early . That worked out okay , as Mike was there and he was the one Jason has been working with for the past couple of weeks . Not sure where Dawn is , but I think she might be on vacation or something . While in PT I guess we were being a little weird in that Jason had all the tools and weights he normally works with , but he was doing silly things with them . For instance , he would do his best to sit up straight and then reach over and attempt to pick up a 30 lb dumb bell and it would cause him to fall over . He thought this was the most fun thing to do over and over again . Marines have a very strange sense of humor . Afterward , we were walking out in the court yard , heading over to the Dermatology area , where Jason is going to have a procedure done tomorrow , and he starts urging Gracie ( his service dog ) to start chasing a pigeon . Gracie went crazy , and was having all sorts of fun . She never got close to the bird but that didn 't matter . It was the most fun the two of them have had yet . I can see her running more , once she gets more used to Jason , and he can let her off leash , in a field or dog park . The rest of the day was spent filling out all the right forms to make sure it was going to be a relatively easy morning tomorrow . Tomorrow will probably be short entry in the blog , as the procedure is the only thing he is going to do . Thank you , all for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . The girls got up about the time I thought they would , around 08 : 30 , but that was because we were up a little late last night having fun . They didn 't get to sleep until after 21 : 30 ( 9 : 30pm ) because they just wanted to keep on playing and then finally Daddy told them a story and said they had to get to sleep . I think he told them the story of the Three Pigs and the Big Bad Wolf - but I could be wrong . This morning we took them over to their mother 's place because it is Mother 's Day , and they should see her on this day . After we dropped them off we came back to the house and then shortly after that we were out on the road again , as Jason wanted a new piece of furniture for his room . He had found a piece that was on sale and would help to pick up some ( all ? ) of the clutter in his room . Linda and I spoke yesterday and said that one of the things we were going to get done is to at least start going through a bunch of the stuff in the garage , so that we can better use the space . The rest of the day was dedicated to finishing up laundry and a little cleaning around the house . I didn 't get out on the bike , and that might have been a mistake , but it just didn 't fit in with the rest of what we were doing . Tomorrow Jason has an early formation , so I 'm going to attempt to get to bed a little earlier tonight . I expect tomorrow to be a little more of the normal interesting than today , though it is good to have an easy day every now and again . Thank you , for all your continued prayers and support - take care and stay positive . Another late post for the blog . It has been a busy day , and a most enjoyable day . Heck , even the evening was enjoyable and it ended with a very nice conversation with Linda . I sure will be glad when she can get back down here , but that really shouldn 't be too long . The day started with me going for a nice bike ride . The girls will be coming over this morning , and then spending the day with us so I needed to be sure I was back from the ride before 09 : 00 . As it was , I was able to get in a quick 12 miles , a couple moderate hills and all done in one hour . I was tired and sweaty when I got back , so I know there is still some training to be done . I need to get up to 45 mile rides , and even more before I 'll be ready for the two - day event . Jason is pretty excited about the girls being here again . Linda and I had four sons , and over the past 35 + years we have been asked many times , " would you like to have a girl ? " We were never disappointed in having sons , and the joy they brought us was tremendous . Having said that , and now having had the experience of " raising " a couple of daughters , I can see why Jason is so happy about his daughters . Sons are great and bring their parents so much joy and pride , yet the love of a daughter is something that you can only experience from having a daughter . We went over to Anthony 's for dinner tonight , and there was a car show going on right where he lives . The girls were all excited and amazed , and then towards later in the evening there was a dragster of some sort on display and they cranked up the engine . It was making all kinds of noise and fortunately we were far enough away that the sound wasn 't too bad . Still it was quite impressive , and both the girls were sitting there with their eyes open very wide . The only other thing I did today was to get closer to finishing working on the backyard , and the hedges are now completely trimmed . I have two more of those large black bags full of yard waste . I won 't toss either of them in to the trash , until it is time for the trash to go out . Actually there should be room , but I want to be safe . And , that was the day for us . Not in that order , but that 's how it came to me . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . Today was a little different in that Jason didn 't have any medical appointments to attend to . He did , however have an appointment with the lady that made Gracie possible for Jason . After dropping the girls off at day care , we had to drive out to Oceanside and pick up a medication for Gracie . It was a nice drive , about 20 - 25 minutes and then when we got there you could almost see how Gracie was aware and familiar with the surroundings , only not sure why . We didn 't stay too long and then came right back to the house . Jason wanted to take a shower and have the dressings changed , and that was good by me . After doing that I was planning on heading out and going for a bike ride . Well , like all great plans , there were a couple of hick - ups , and by the time I finally got up to change into my riding clothes I decided to lay down for just a moment , and promptly fell asleep . Fortunately I didn 't sleep too long and I 've learned to be flexible with my schedule . I ended up getting out for just a little over an hour , and road out towards Cabrillo National Park . I didn 't go all the way to the park , as I was getting tired because of the hills , but it was good to go as far as I did . Next week I 'll see if I can make it all the way to the park . Not much else going on today , and it was kind of relaxed . Tomorrow I think I 'll be doing some laundry and maybe working a little more on the yard ( back yard ) . The tough part is that there isn 't a " green " recycling program here , so I just toss the yard waste into the trash bin . Oh well , once it is done we won 't have to worry about it for several months , but I 'll be working on it regularly over the next couple of weeks . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers , and take care and stay positive . A good day for Jason , especially since we got to see the girls , and they are sleeping in this house tonight . We had a great time with them , and we especially had a great time right after they took their bath . Shortly after bath is bed time and they wanted a bed time story . It amazes me that they never seem to tire of Jack and the Bean Stalk . Stacy loves to join in on the story , and adds her own characters as well as the occasional sound effects . All around it was fun times . The day started out with a visit to the wound clinic and Dawn was happy to see us again . When we first got here from Bethesda , there was some mix up with some of the supplies that she had ordered for Jason , and we initially used up all that they had . Fortunately I had brought a bunch with us , so we had some coverage for several weeks . As it turned out , the mix up was corrected and now they have all the supplies that they , and Jason needs and we 're in good shape . Tomorrow is going to be another good day , and we 'll see where that takes us into the weekend . Right now we don 't have any plans for doing anything in particular , other than me finishing up with the clean up of the backyard ( I got a bunch of it done today ) . We might invite some friends over to have a barbecue or something . Anyway , it is going to be a nice day tomorrow . Thanks , for all the continued prayers and support , and take care and stay positive . Jason had a great day with PT today . We even had a chance to play catch , with a 10lb ball ( it was part of his shoulder work ) . We did get a chance to go see a few of the other folks we know here , and while we were out and about , we noticed that there are fewer people here now . That most of the guys that are still here are the ones who have the most severe wounds and such , and that several of them are Army . All these guys tend to support each other and have developed a bond , no doubt related to their injuries rather than their branch of service . I think all of them are E . O . D . as well but I haven 't asked yet . A couple of things were put in place today to make it more like it was , prior to the trip back out to Bethesda , and that was good to see . The closer we get back to the way it was , I think will be better for Jason and his healing process . We 're looking forward to some of the next steps , as I talked a little about yesterday , but that looks like it is going to happen a couple of weeks down the road . Jason knows he is here for the long haul and that he won 't be leaving the hospital area for well over a year , and perhaps two . I was told , not too long ago , that I needed to be careful about some of the things I write in this blog , because my grand kids , more specifically my granddaughters , might end up reading it . Well , there isn 't anything I 've written that I would not want them to see , and if they are reading it I just want them to know that we love you and you are always in our thoughts and in our hearts . Daddy , Grandma and Grandpa miss you very much , as does the rest of the family . Well , that just about does it for today , and tomorrow is going to be another exciting kind of day . I now have a hedge trimmer ( Big Thank You to Trident Realty for the gift , and Mike thank you for the visit ) , so I can now get out there and finish what I was attempting to do by hand held clippers . It wasn 't looking too bad , just that some of the places I just couldn 't reach . The trimmer " extends " my reach a little farther . Thank you all for all the prayer support and take care and stay positive . Today was a nice relaxed day , where Jason only had a couple of appointments , and we were back over to the house well before noon . We did stop by the Child Development Center , but both the girls were not there so we didn 't stay very long . We were expecting a visit from Child Protection Services , as a case needs to be resolved / closed , but they called and said they would not be coming by today ( actually it isn 't a " they " it is a " she " ) , and would be by tomorrow . This was okay with us , but we would really liked to have gotten this out of the way . Jason has been talking to the lady on the phone , and she needs to verify with her eyes . I did get a chance to go for a bike ride , and it was a little bit of a challenge . The wind was picking up and it seemed like it didn 't matter what direction I was going , it was always against the wind . Fortunately there was some down hill , and yes , that also means there was uphill stretches . The ride was another 12 miler , and it took just under an hour to do it , so I figure I 'm doing okay right now . I need to build up to 50 + mile rides , so that I can do the two - day ride when it finally gets here . Jason wounds are actually looking a little better than they have , so I was particularly happy about that . The next steps we will be taking are going to be coming up in a matter of a few weeks , so better is good . He got a good nap in , mostly while I was riding and we also found out that there is a good chance that Larry , our in - home assistant , is coming back . This should allow me to take longer rides , and help me to not worry so much while I am out . Tomorrow is going to be a busy day for us , so I don 't think I 'm going to be able to go out for another ride . We will again make an effort to see the girls , but we 'll have to see how that goes . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and for all the support . Also , please pray for the girls , as I know they miss their daddy , and also pray for their mom . Take care and stay positive . Another day and another day without the girls . We are hoping to get this resolved soon as we would really like to have some time with the girls . This is being very unfair to Jason , as he has done nothing to deserve this kind of treatment , but obviously we are having to deal with it . We went to the hospital early this morning , to take care of a couple of appointments . His physical therapy session went very well , and they continue to work on his shoulders , and are now working on his breathing . I was very impressed with how Mike was getting things to loosen up , and allow his shoulder to move more , and at the same time he was allowing Jason to breath better . Once Jason was done with PT we went over to one of the two laser doctors , and that turned into a very positive visit . The doctor was anxious to get to discuss this with Jason , as he had called me twice , once while in Livermore , and then again shortly after we returned . He seemed pretty excited about the advances that are being made with stem cell research and Jason is a perfect candidate for one of these opportunities . As the doctor has repeatedly said , it is a very low risk with a potentially very high gain . When Jason said he was up for it , and wanted to move forward the doctor said , " I 'm pumped ! " The flip side is that it is going to be a long and somewhat slow process , and the first step probably won 't happen for a couple of weeks , then the second step would happen a couple of months down the road . This is a very patience intensive process . We stopped at the day care and the girls were not there . They had not been brought to day care again , and we can only assume that it was something that was done intentionally , to keep them away from Jason . Jason was disappointed , as I was , and we are going to continue to keep moving , and know that we will eventually see them . We then headed back to the house , and just spent the rest of the day relaxing . It rained most of the day , so we couldn 't even go outside to do much . I did pick up some of the brush from the backyard ( I 've been trimming the bushes ) , and the yard is looking a little more like it was . The challenge is that unlike Livermore , we don 't have a " Green " waste bin , and so I have to put that trimmings into the trash bin . It is going to take a while to get it all . Dinner was simple , as it was reheated left overs from yesterday . Then we kind of just laid around and didn 't do too much more . Tomorrow will be another day and we 'll go at it in a positive manner . Thank you , all for all the prayers and support - take care and stay positive . Good day for Jason , in that we didn 't do much . Part of the reason we didn 't do much was that it was misting , or a lite sprinkle , and our previous plans to go have a barbecue didn 't happen . We did get up moderately early , for a Sunday , and we had a quick cereal breakfast . I went for a short 12 mile bike ride that was pretty much flat , so not too strenuous , and it was cool out . I didn 't mind the moisture in the air , as it helped to keep me cooler , yet the road surfaces were effectively dry . After I had my shower and got dressed , I helped Jason with his shower and then put on new dressings . We ended up on going to meet Anthony at a nice restaurant by the boardwalk , and just enjoyed the conversation and visiting . When we got back to the house I told Jason that I was going to have to still cook the chicken and sausages that I had taken out for the original barbecue . I actually and thawed them yesterday , so I didn 't want them to go another day without being cooked . We ended up having some of it for dinner , and it was pretty good with rice and vegetables . The rest of the day was doing laundry and watching the Giants beat the Dodgers . I got to watch most of the game so I felt pretty good . It was a sweep too , so I even felt better . I have to admit , though , that I am a bit disappointed by the Dodgers . Last year I expected them to put up a better run at the end , and they kind of just fell apart , and now they seem to be continuing the slide into this season . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers for Jason and his healing . The wounds are giving us some extra challenges and I am hoping to get some better focus on it by the doctors and other medical folks . Take care and stay positive . Quite the interesting day for Jason and I . We started out relatively early , and went over to the soccer game over at MCRD . Stacy was very happy to see Daddy and was up in his arms for quite some time . She gave me a big hug and kiss and started to tell me all about her soccer game . She also told me that Jackie wasn 't there today , as she stayed back with her " other " grandfather . As it turned out Stacy didn 't come back to the house with us , because Jason didn 't want to bring one and leave the other behind . Stacy did do a great job of playing soccer , and really seems to be getting into the game . Jason and I then took off and did a couple of other errands , including purchasing a a new bed for Gracie . We went to Ross , as we were told that was the best place to get pet beds , and sure enough they had one for Gracie . Actually , it was kind of cute the way that Gracie sort of picked out her own bed . Jason picked out a couple of them that he liked ; I laid them down on the floor for Gracie to examine ; and , she went right to the one that I thought was best and started to roll around on it . That was the one we bought . We also had gone for breakfast this morning , and went to Mimi 's restaurant . They were moderately busy , and Gracie generated a number of comments by the other patrons . We sat down next to this nice couple who ran a non - profit organization and they thought Gracie was great . When they got up to leave they asked if Jason needed help finding employment , because that is what their non - profit did , help get veterans placed , and Jason thanked them , and let them know he was still active duty . I did take one of their business cards and then they left . When it came time for us to pay our bill we found out they had already paid it for us and we simply got up and left . We went home and I did some cleaning and then helped Jason with a shower and dressing changed . He then got in bed and relaxed and then I did the same thing . Jason had said earlier that he wanted to go to the movies , and see Iron Man 3 , so early evening we went over to the theater and bought tickets . We had to buy tickets to a later showing than originally planned ( the 16 : 55 ( 4 : 55pm ) showing was sold out ) so we had some extra time . We went over to Chipotle and Jason ordered a burrito and I got a chicken bowl ( effectively a burrito without the tortilla ) . As we were sitting there a nice lady came over and handed Jason a gift card for Chipotle , said , " Thank you , " and then walked away . Maybe it was a good thing we had lunch at home . . . ; - ) The movie was entertaining , and we had a good time . They allowed Jason and I ( with Gracie ) into the theater first , about 2 minutes ahead of everybody else . That gave us all the time we needed to get settled , and it was appreciated . I hope tomorrow is at least as good as today was . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support , take care and stay positive . Today started out pretty good , we , Jason and I got up early so that he could get to formation , and then he had some appointments afterward . I fixed oatmeal for breakfast ( it 's fast and easy ) and then we were on our way . I figured that while Jason was at his formation I could take care of a few personal things that I 've been wanting to get out of the way , so I did , and then while he was in a training session I went to go get my hair cut . I feel soooo much better , now that I don 't look like I just came down out of the mountains . After all this we did his appointments , and then we spoke with a few folks about supplies . The great thing is that the supplies were all readily available , so we were able to bring them right home , except for the special tape that he likes to use . That was actually delivered a short while after we got home - pretty cool . Jason decided that he wanted to go pick up the girls from day care , around 14 : 30 ( 2 : 30pm ) , as that was right after their naps , and still ahead of the heavy Friday traffic . The only glitch in this is that the girls were not at day care . They were not brought in today , according to the sign - in documents there . To say the least , Jason and I were disappointed , and a little concerned . There was no communication as to why they were not there , so we are in the dark about that . We are hoping that we can get to see them tomorrow as Stacy has a soccer game , and as far as Jason is aware the game is still on . Next week we should be able to get in to see the doctors about the plastics work that Jason still needs to have done . It is always kind of interesting going into see these guys because they are both very interesting to talk with , as well as having a very broad span of knowledge . They are also both quite tall . My guess is that they are both about 6 ' 10 " , and both working in the same area . There is a new procedure they want to try on Jason that should provide some help with the generation of skin on the wounds , now called chronic wounds , since they 've been around so long . We look forward to this dialog as Jason would really like to move on to a " next " stage in his recovery . Thank you , for all your continued prayers and support and take care and stay positive . Quite the nice and relaxing day today . About the extent of Jason 's travels today was our journey to the grocery store , where we bought some food and other things to get us through the rest of the week , and into next week . Jason also wanted to head over to Dick 's Sporting Goods , and pick up a couple of things , and to get a ball for Gracie , his dog . She is not a retriever so when Jason bounced the tennis ball in front of her she just sort of looked at it and then at him . I felt she was asking , " Am I supposed to be doing something with that ? " Then , again , he did buy her a rawhide chew , and she seems to really enjoy that . I went for a nice ride today . I left late morning and was back by early afternoon . Total ride time was about 1 1 / 2 hours . I will be riding like that over the next several days and gradually building up my stamina and endurance . I 'll be going for the two - day ride again , and I want to do better this time . Well , Jason had his mediation today and there was no outcome . I don 't know if that is good or bad , all I know is that it is the next step . I was concerned that he was up in the meeting room , with just the three of them , for nearly four hours . That put him in his chair for almost six hours , before he was able to get back onto the bed . He did take a shower , shortly after we returned home , and that is always a good thing , I just wish there was a better way to handle these legal issues , so that he wasn 't physically stressed so much . The rest of the day was spent down , and I did laundry . I also did a little catching up on my email and actually did a little job hunting . All of that is important , and I really don 't mind doing the laundry , or even cooking the meals , but what really made today was that I finally got out on my bike . I didn 't ride too far , even still it was a pleasant change for me to get out and do something different on my bike again . I need to start training for that same 2 - day bike ride , coming up in October . And , I want to do better with the ride this time . Last time my legs simply gave out the last 25 or so miles and I rode the chase van in . It also means that I am going to be asking folks to start considering sponsoring / supporting me for the ride , as I would like to at least generate $ 5K in donations this year , and hopefully more . Tomorrow Jason is going to spend most of the day in bed , and that is a good thing . It allows the wounds to get a little rest . Next week we will be meeting with a couple of the doctors and discussing some new experimental procedures , that sound like they have good promise . The fact that they are experimental causes me to have questions , so I 'll bring them up when we meet . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and for all the support . Take care and stay positive .

Happy Birthday ! Jason turned 30 years old today , and I 'm looking forward to the next 30 + . Of course that would put me over 90 , so perhaps I 'm stretching things a bit . . . or not . I meant to go for a long bike ride today - about 30 miles - but due to some coordination efforts , and me not wanting to get up this morning , it was put off . I 'll have to wait a couple of days before the opportunity comes along again . Besides , it is supposed to be warmer tomorrow , and I 'm not sure I want to ride in the heat . The girls are both doing well , as is Linda . Jason kicked back for a good portion of the day , and in general it has been a very nice birthday for Jason . We had a little party at the end of the day , and we all had some cake ( or at least a cup cake ) . Jason likes chocolate cake and I don 't , so I had a nice little white cup cake . Linda was being her normal creative self , and had a 2 and a 9 candle on the cake , with a separate solitary candle placed in front of the two numbers . I thought it was a cute way to indicate 30 . The girls got their baths , and insisted on Grandpa telling them a story , so after Grandma got them in bed I took over . I think it is because when I tell them the story I will shake the bed for earth quakes and stuff like that . My stories are very active . . . ; - ) Anyway , they 're both asleep by now , and I am just finishing up the blog . Thank you , for all your continued support and all the prayers , take care and stay positive . Today was a totally relaxed day for Jason , though the morning started out a little on the confusing side . Initially we thought we were going to be needing to take Jackie in to see a doctor , scheduled appointment , but then found out we didn 't need to . We had all gotten up early and had a quick breakfast and were ready to go , when the change came in . Actually , it worked out nicely for me , as it allowed me to get out early for a bike ride , and I did a quick 15 miler . What I really need to do is to find the time to get out and do a longer ride , and I hope I can do that tomorrow . I feel like I 'm not making enough progress getting ready for the EOD Ride coming up in October , but I guess I still have some time to work on it . Anyway , the day just kind of remained laid back after that and it was really nice . I guess because we all got up so early , around noon everybody decided to take a nap . Even Jackie was now with us , and Stacy was at Day Care , and she was ready to get some sleep . With everyone napping I decided it was an opportunity for me to head over to Anthony 's place and pick up the ramps needed , to get the paramobile into and out of the truck . I went over and Anthony gave me some pointers on what to do and how to get the machine to work for me , rather than against me . He didn 't charge me anything for the ramps , and they are nice folding ramps , so it was like an early birthday present for Jason . I got back over to the house and shortly latter everyone , except Jackie was waking up . Josh came over to visit with Jason , and it was getting to be more of the " normal " type day . I finally went over to pick up Stacy , and the traffic was terrible . I was happy that I wasn 't under any particular time schedule , and the traffic was moving , just crazy slow , along with some very discourteous drivers . Some folks get into a hurry and loose all their manners , and I guess I am even subject to that sometimes . I barbecued some burgers , well I guess I should be saying grilled , and we had a very nice and simple dinner . Actually , Linda had purchased this little slider cooker , so I tried it on the grill and it worked great . We ended up with six sliders and three regular sized burgers . The sliders are all gone . . . ; - ) The girls all went down for bed with no trouble and then the day was over . Tomorrow is Jason 's birthday . He will be 30 years old . When the first two , George and David , turned 30 I felt a little older , but this time , Jason is turning 30 and I am 60 ( soon to be 61 ) . I remember having a baby shower while working at National Semiconductor , for Jason . I had always thought women had baby showers , not guys , but there I was , and it turned out really nice . Anyway , happy birthday , Jason . You are an amazing young man and both Mom and Dad are very proud of you , and so glad that you 're still here with us . . . we love you . Today was another of those days where things just go the way they are supposed too , and then things got better . Yeah , it was one of those days that you wish you had more of . We got up this morning and had a quick breakfast , and then we all loaded up - Linda , Jason and I - into the van and we headed off for the dentist . I know , that doesn 't sound so wonderful to most , but I haven 't been to a dentist in almost three years , and we have come to know one ; through a friend , and this dentist is doing the work for no charge . Anyway , I 'm digressing . . . I went inside for my appointment and Linda and Jason went over to General Tom Lightner 's place , where he and his wife , Carol , were hosting us for lunch later in the day . At the dentist , I found out that I actually did have a cavity . Not much of one , but there it was , and it will have to be addressed . I was also told that my dental hygiene was very good and my teeth were amazingly clean considering how long it has been since seeing a dentist , even for a cleaning . That was good news , and the day even got better . We went over to Tom 's house , where Linda , the receptionist ( not my wife this time ) from the dentist 's office , drove me . She was invited to lunch there as well . Then a short while later , Kevin and his wife Stephanie ( the dentist and hygienist ) also came over . Finally , Rev . Tom Straeter , the pastor at Grace Presbyterian came over . It was great getting a chance to meet all these new folks , in a nice social setting . It would have been better if the girls had been with us , but that wasn 't the case . We wanted to come today , because of the unique opportunity to have all of us there at the same time . The lunch was enjoyable , with sandwiches , salad , chips and drinks , all out on the patio . Tom and Carol have a very nice home , and it is amazingly relaxing to be there . Tom even built a couple of ramps so that Jason was able to move around the house , and go in or out to the patio . Then the final good news came , and that was that the girls were coming back to Jason 's place , tonight . That is a day earlier than planned . I 'm not sure who was happier , Linda or Jason . The girls showed up and they were all excited to be here , and wanted to show Daddy all of the stuff they had with them . Jason 's birthday is on the 31st , and they brought him a cake , as well as a birthday card . You could tell Stacy was very proud of it . It was a little later in the day and they needed to get dinner down , so that was taken care of , then the bath . That pretty much ends the day , and now I 'm ending the blog . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers - Take care and stay positive . Another relaxed easy day , though it was the first without the girls , in several days . Jason pretty much stayed in bed , until early afternoon . Linda was busy around the house doing some extra cleaning and laundry , and I went for a nice bike ride over to Cabrillo National Park , then over to Ocean Beach - total of 18 miles of hilly terrain . Then this afternoon I received a call that the supplies I requested were in , and so we all decided to go over together . Jason had a couple of things he wanted to take care of , and it gave Linda a nice chance visit with CDR Ledyard . After that visit Jason asked us if we 'd like to go see the new Star Trek Movie , and we did , so we went . We all liked the movie , and enjoyed how it was put together . There were MANY references to past movies , and TV shows , but it was done so well , it was a good movie . Tomorrow we will be heading over to Gen . Tom Lightner 's place , and I have a dental appointment . It will be the first time I 've been to a dentist in over two years , so I expect to be given some less than stellar updates on the chompers . At least I 'm going though , and that 's the important thing . Thank you , all for the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today started out with a little bit of switch . We thought we were supposed to take the girls over to their " other " home , but as it turned out , instead of 07 : 30 it was 19 : 30 and obviously 12 hours later than first thought . Jason recognized the break in communications , literally just as we were getting ready to walk out the front door . We had a little bit of a laugh and then decided to go to breakfast . We ended up over at iHop , where we ate out on their patio area . It was nice and relaxed , and set the pace for the rest of the day . After breakfast we went shopping , where Jason bought a few things for the girls and Linda bought a few things for the house . Me , I didn 't do any buying this time around , but I did get to push the shopping cart . . . ; - ) We did a few more things and then the girls went down for their nap . We were planning on going over to visit with Anthony Netto , and have a little barbecue a little later in the day , and that is what happened , after the girls got up from their nap . There is a nice park over at Anthony 's where we discovered that Jackie has a love for the swings . She couldn 't get high enough . Grandma was pushing and she was swinging back and forth , then Grandpa stepped in . I got her to swing even higher and she loved it . Of course Grandma and Daddy got nervous , but Jackie and Grandpa were having a great time . The swinging only lasted for a few minutes and then Jackie ran over to the play structure to join Stacy . Stacy was all over the place , running up and down the ladders and slides . By the time we went to eat dinner , they were both pretty dirty . Stacy just needed to clean up a bit and Jackie needed to change clothes . After dinner the girls were dropped off , and I 'm guessing they will sleep well tonight - after their bath . We look forward to our next time segment with the two of them , and seeing what new and exciting things we can discover . Thank you for all the continued support and prayers - Take care and stay positive . Aside from his shower this morning , Jason has spent the day in bed , effectively resting up and allowing himself the chance to get ready for tomorrow . Tomorrow isn 't anything special , other than being Memorial Day , recognized ( I still feel the 30th is Memorial Day - but it doesn 't always fall on a weekend , and we have to have a weekend ! ) . We will be heading over to Anthony 's for a barbecue and the three of us , Jason , Linda and me will spend a little relaxing time with him . The girls will be going back to their mom tomorrow morning , so it is a little bid of a sad day for us , though it has been a great 11 days . I took Stacy over to the pool , here in the complex , as she has asked a couple of times about going over there . It is actually the first time , in all the time we 've been here , that we went to the pool . It is nice in that it isn 't any more than 4 ft . deep , with a large portion that is only 3 1 / 2 ft deep . Stacy stayed in the shallower portion and had a great time . That is until it was time to get out . The sun was going down and it was starting to cool off , and she didn 't like the sudden ' cold ' on her . I got her all wrapped up in a towel and then carried her back to the house . She talked about the pool with Daddy and Grandma for about 1 / 2 hour solid . Jackie didn 't go to the pool , then again , she really hasn 't shown any interest yet for getting into the water . I am guessing that perhaps in another year or so we 'll be playing with her in the pool , too . I did get out for a nice bike ride , early this morning , and rode with Mike and Kim , who came over to pick me up . Kim is one of the therapists from Occupational Therapy ( OT ) and Mike is her husband who recently returned from a deployment . They took me over to Coronado Island and then showed me this great trail that goes most of the way around the island , or completely around the bay . We ended up only going 17 miles , and when it was done I felt like a had a good ride . Both of them ride faster than me , but that 's okay - I told them I 'm not very fast , but I do keep going . I am thinking about going for another ride tomorrow , prior to going over to Anthony 's , but it all depends on how I feel in the morning . Thank you , all for all the continued support and prayers . I ask that you continue to keep those who risk their lives for us , in your prayers and to do all you can to support them , for what they do for us . Take care and stay positive . Originally we had planned on going to a park and letting the kids play there , but they were having so much fun at the house we just decided to stay there . Jason made himself comfortable on the couch , and we effectively stayed in the one room . There is a smaller " play room " off the larger main room , and the kids spent a good amount of time there . We also spent some time out on the patio where Dylan was very excited to share and show his two cousins all the great things he had and could do with a wagon . David brought out a cardboard box , with some holes cut out and asked who wanted to be a robot , and of course all of them did . Then almost as fast , their attention jumped to doing other things . Jackie was particularly interested in a basketball , and tossing it up to the hoop ( the hoop was about five feet off the ground . She made every basket . Finally Stacy and Dylan made a great team playing with Dylan 's T - ball set up . Neither of them knew exactly how to swing the bat ( even after Miriam attempted to show them ) , but that was okay , they had fun anyway and that 's what really mattered . We had a nice lunch with all of us in the main room and then we all took a nap . I stayed down with Jason , as I am still a bit of a worry wart . Stacy made a little sleep area for herself in a " tent " that Dylan had set up ; Linda was upstairs with Jackie ; and both Dylan and Ethan were in their beds ( even David and Miriam got a chance to get some rest ) . It was 100 % fun and play time for the kids , and they managed to do it was some very simple toys , none of which were electronic . After the nap there was a little play , then some time out back , where Dylan and Stacy helped Grandpa pick some tomatoes ( we brought some home with us ) . David has made some simple changes to his yard and it is much more family friendly now , so that the kids can run around . Even Gracie , Jason 's service dog , was able to do a little running around , and you could tell she was having a great time . The only concern we had was that David has a cat , Luna , and she is not dog friendly . It all worked out , and no one was worse for the wear . The day had to come to an end , and we needed to get back before 21 : 00 ( 9 : 00pm ) , as we didn 't want to have the girls up too late . We did stop to eat dinner at Mimi 's restaurant , though that wasn 't the original plan . It was decided , while we drove that we needed to feed the girls before it got too late , and then we saw Mimi 's . The girls got down for the night , and the rest of us also got ready for bed . I am up finishing the bog , and then I 'm going to bed . I intend to go for a nice early bike ride tomorrow , and Jason and Linda both said they hope they can sleep in some . For me , an early bike ride means out before 08 : 00 and sleeping in to them mean not having to be up until after 08 : 30 . With as much as the girls did today I would be surprised if they get up earlier than that . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers and take care and stay positive . Another good day for Jason , and it all started with the arrival of Linda . She came in at about 07 : 45 , and we only had to circle around once to pick her up . As it was , we probably could have waited another 30 seconds and wouldn 't have had to circle at all . Anyway , we picked her up and we went off to breakfast , and had a nice chance to just sit down and talk . After that we headed over to the base and went up to Dermatology where they removed the sutures from behind Jason 's ear ( that 's where they took the skin for the skin growth experiment ) . That was a relatively quick appointment ( total time 20 minutes in and out ) , so we next headed over to see CMDR Ledyard , who had gotten some supplies for us . She is our main point of contact for wound dressing supplies and does a very good job of making sure we don 't have to wait too long for any of the items requested . She and Linda had a nice little visit , since they hadn 't seen each other in several months , so it was a good visit from multiple angles . Jason also made a stop to speak with Dr . Kim , and that was a nice short visit too . From there we decided to head over to see the girls at day care . Good thing we went over to the day care , because both Jason and I had forgotten about the luncheon that was going on today . It was their " end of year " celebration , and I had it in my head that it was next week . As it turned out , the celebration was just getting started . When we drove up , Jackie was out side with her class , and she saw us , so Linda and I went to see her while Jason went to go into Stacy 's class . Linda and I were over at Jackie 's class for several minutes and then finally went to go to Stacy 's . The kids were all doing there special rock dance and having a great time . I was kind of bummed out because I didn 't have my camera with me , so I attempted to take some pictures with my phone , and will have to figure out how to down load those so I can share them . After the dancing and some talking the lunch started , and there was a bunch of food brought in . Problem is that we were still pretty full from the big breakfast we had finished earlier . I had some fruit , as did Linda , and I think Jason didn 't have anything . When it was all done we were given the news that we would be taking the girls home with us and they were going to be spending the weekend with us , until Monday evening . That was really a pleasant surprise , considering that we had nearly missed the event totally . We also were able to make some solid plans about going up to see David and his family , so that we could all spend some time together . We plan on heading over to a nice park and letting the kids all go play with each other , and the adults are just going to relax and have a picnic . We got back to the house and everybody took a nap and the rest of the day was getting settled , and going shopping for some food . I grilled some hot dogs for dinner , along with a nice salad and some baked beans . The girls also had some fruit , and we were all pretty full by the time we were done . Grandma got to take the girls up for their bath and they were all excited about that ( so was I ) . Bed time came and then the day was effectively over . Only thing left was the last little bit of clean up and then this blog to update . Thank you , for all your continued prayers and support , it truly is appreciated . Take care and stay positive . Today has turned out to be a very good day all around . The only part that wasn 't totally up was the fact that we had to drop the kids off at day care and they are not with us tonight . We 've had them for just about a full week , so there are no complaints there . The only thing is that Linda ( Grandma ) is coming in tomorrow and the girls were looking forward to seeing her , especially Stacy . They 'll still get a chance while Linda is here , we just have to be flexible with our schedule , and I think we are . Jason had one appointment today , and that was with Van the wheelchair guy . It has been authorized for Jason to get a new chair because the current one really doesn 't " fit " him correctly . Before having all the HO removed he was actually four inches wider , so as you can imagine , he kind of " swims " in the current chair . It is probably going to take about a month to get the new chairs ( he 'll get another manual , too ) , with one of them being painted San Francisco Giants Orange . I thought that was pretty cool . The rest of the day was catching up with some folks , and it all worked out really well . Jason was in at Physical Therapy ( PT ) and he didn 't have to sit in his chair . He was able to effectively lay down on one of the tables , and he could spend time on his back as well as his belly . The surprise was that Dawn was back , and we hadn 't seen her in several weeks . It was a combination of Jason heading up to Livermore and then when we got back Dawn went on vacation for a couple of weeks . Anyway , he wasn 't scheduled for an appointment with PT , but Dawn was free so she did some catching up with Jason , and also worked his shoulders and arms . While all this was going on , a few other folks dropped by and it was just generally a very relaxed morning , visiting . Van came in after lunch and really only took about 30 minutes so we were headed back to the house by 13 : 15 ( 1 : 15pm ) . Not much for the rest of the day . Larry came by for a few hours to support Jason , so I took advantage of that time to go for a short bike ride . Actually this was one of the friendliest rides I 've been on . There were multiple riders out and three of them actually talked to me . I usually say , " Hi " or wave and don 't receive much response , but today three other people actually spoke to me , and in complete sentences . You know , real conversation . It was just another thing to make the day nice . Right now I need to get a few things done and then head off to bed , as Linda comes in early , 07 : 40 so I need to get up early enough to get Jason up and we can go pick her up . I just hope she isn 't too tired , because she has to be up even earlier . . . a lot earlier . If she is feeling up to it I might just take her to breakfast , since Jason 's first appointment isn 't until 10 : 00 . . . : - ) That 's all for now - thank you , all for all the continued support and prayers . God has a way of keeping me together , and days like today definitely help . Take care and stay positive . Another day , and another visit to the Wound Clinic . We got a chance to speak with Dr . Salt , from Plastics about some of the efforts being put forth to try to get the wounds closed up , and in one effort it is actually working against Jason . Dr . Salt agreed that the tissue expander would be left alone for the next couple of weeks to see if the " new " wound would start to close . If it does not then the expander would be reduced by a little bit to relieve some of the tension that the expander creates . It is a relatively slow process to get through all this , but then again the effort to grow / develop some of the collagen for Jason is going to take up to four months . All while he continues to receive laser treatment . Otherwise there wasn 't much going on today . He was able to pick up some of his meds from the pharmacy , and that was a bit of a challenge . For whatever reason one of the medications he is supposed to be on , on a daily basis was not being made available to Jason . We went back to the nurse practitioner , who ordered the meds , and she was surprised about their control . She went to her office and made a phone call or two and in a matter of a few minutes she came over to Jason and said all had been straightened out now the meds would be ready . A little later this evening I went over to the day care and picked up the girls - yes , they are spending another evening with us . They were both happy to see me show up and then when we got home they go to see Larry . Larry started back working with us today , this afternoon . It was good to see him and do some catching up . He is in good spirits and just as big as ever . Jason was very happy to see him and the two of them spent a good portion of the time Larry was here , just talking . After dinner tonight the girls had their bath and then they went to bed . That pretty much brought me up to the writing of this blog , and so now I finish this and then I am going to go to bed . Fortunately we don 't have many appointments tomorrow , so I can sleep in a little . Thank you for all your continued prayers and all the support being sent our way . Take care and stay positive . I got up early today , not because I needed to help Jason with anything in particular , or because I had to get the girls to day care ( they didn 't spend last night here ) , or for any other typical reason I have to get up early . Today I got up early because I wanted to go for a bike ride . Actually , I wasn 't up until 07 : 00 , and that much later than when I usually get up . I rode out to Cabrillo State Park , and took a couple of hours to make the round trip . It was quite hilly and it gave me a good work out . It also showed me just how out of shape I am . There were two other riders , going in the same direction as me , and they both passed me with little effort , and I felt terrible for that . I thought I should be able to keep up with them , or at least ride a little faster than I was moving . Anyway , it just motivated me to keep pushing to find time to ride . Jason had no appointments today , and the girls were not with us today , until after day care . That 's why I felt I would be able to take a couple of hours and do some good road work . Shortly after getting back to the house , well maybe a few hours after getting back , Jason got a text asking him to call , so he did . He was asked to pick up the girls from day care and have them spend the night . This was a total surprise as we didn 't expect to have the girls with us until sometime later , so obviously we were pretty happy to have the very nice gift , bestowed upon us . When we went to pick them up they were both very happy to see us and Jackie was actually able to see us drive up , since she was outside in the play area . It did mess with the schedule I had for the day , but that 's okay . We were able to head over to the store and pick up the things we needed , and I made spaghetti for dinner . Stacy says she loves my spaghetti so it was a win win all the way around . After dinner they went to go play with daddy , and daddy had some cookies for them , for desert and after that we didn 't even have to ask them to go brush their teeth , they just went and did it . They got their bath and then got ready for bed . It turned into a wonderful night and I can get those things I wanted to do today , tomorrow . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers and take care and stay positive . Today was a particularly easy day for Jason , as he only had the first appointment with Patient Care , where he goes to get refills for his prescriptions , and then with PT , where they worked on his shoulders and arms , and then he focused on his core . It was really kind of strange about how empty the place was , and I mean all over the base , then Jason asked where everybody was . One of the therapists said that there was a function today , off base , where a bunch of the Wounded Warriors had gone . I guess this jogged his memory because he talked about being asked to go and said he had forgotten about it . He forgot about it because he knew he wouldn 't have been able to go anyway . I glad the others were able to get out , and still there were a few guys in the gym . Otherwise we just kicked back and I cleaned the house a bit . Also found out that Larry , our in home aide is going to be coming back this week . Or , at least that was what I was told . First they have to come out and take a quick look around , do an exam of Jason and Jason has to respond to a bunch of questions . All of that is supposed to take place tomorrow , and then that should open the door , so - to - speak for Larry to come back in , and we can get a bit closer to what was going on before . Thank you , for all your continued prayers and support , and take care and be safe . Today we all slept in . . . no one was up before 07 : 00 . I know , to some that isn 't much sleeping in , but for me it is at least an extra hour , and I appreciated it . First thing was that I made some oatmeal with raisins , as that is one of the favorites of the girls . Actually Jackie likes the raisins , as does Jason and I , and Stacy prefers to have her 's without . Shortly after that we all got ready and headed over to Anthony Netto 's place , over in Pacific Beach . Funny thing that I just rode my bike over to his place a few days ago , on one of my longer rides , of about 15 miles , round trip . Anthony invited us over to have a nice " picnic lunch " and to let the girls enjoy the park that is in the area where he is living . Stacy , of course , was first to get over to the climbing structure and Jackie was a bit slower . Jackie just doesn 't have the same coordination development that Stacy has and therefore isn 't able to just jump right into climbing everything . Having said that , she sure wasn 't intimidated by any of the climbing areas , and went right up the ladders and down the slides . Then Stacy discovered this one area that is meant for a little older child and asked me to pick her up so she could use the overhead bars . I told her I didn 't think that was such a good idea because it was kind of high and I had to still watch Jackie . I wouldn 't be able to come help her if she needed it . She accepted that and went on to the swings . We finally sat down and had our picnic lunch and then headed over to the ice cream parlor , where Jackie really got into her chocolate ice cream . Both Anthony and Jason got a couple of pictures of her , in all her messy glory . Stacy wasn 't quite as bad , but then Jason managed to get chocolate on himself as well , as he devoured his rocky road ice cream . I had a double scoop of vanilla on a waffle cone . We headed back to the house a little after noon , and before we got back home both of the girls were out . I guess they burned off a bunch of energy running around the park . They slept for a few hours and during that time Gary K . came over for a short visit . He has been good with keeping in touch with Jason , and I think Jason appreciates it . The girls slept until late afternoon and then they got up . We did some playing around the house and then I made dinner . It was chicken , rice and mixed vegetables , and the girls both ate all their vegetables without much coaxing from me or Jason . I have been pleasantly surprised at how well they eat balanced meals . Stacy told me the doctor told her that eating the vegetables was good for her . In Jackie 's case I think she just likes to eat things that taste good . . . ; - ) Tomorrow is another day back to the appointment schedule , where we will be taking the girls to day care at about 07 : 30 , and then we won 't have them with us for another set of days . A regular schedule is being worked out , and it will be good when it finally is in place . Thank you , all for all your continued prayers and support , and take care and stay positive . It started out early , as Stacy had a soccer game to go to , and we needed to get her up early so she could get to the game early enough to get dressed in her gear . We didn 't have it with us , so we had to get her to the , game and then she could change into her uniform / gear . She did great and even scored a goal though they don 't keep score at this level . Jackie was having a great time on the side , while grandpa chased her around the field . The game ended and before we left Jason was able to receive some of the pictures from her team and the official photos of her play . While there Gracie was well behaved and really wasn 't much of a distraction , from what I could tell . After the game Jason wanted to head on over to the Uniform Shop , on MCRD ( Marine Corps Recruit Depot ) , and since that was where we were it was pretty easy . About two weeks ago Jason had gone over to the Uniform Shop and told them that he wanted to get a new dress blue jacket . Obviously he has changed in size , in different ways so they said it wouldn 't be a problem . First they found out that they didn 't have anything large enough , on their racks . Then they said to head on over to their tailoring shop to be measured , and to bring those measurements back to them . Well , today he brought the measurements back over to them , but before handing the numbers to them he went and purchased all the ribbons and meddles he has earned , a new belt and buckles , and a few other things the new jacket will require . He then gave them the numbers / measurements and they told him that they would not be able to do anything for him , and that he would need to go to Miramar or Pendelton . Because it took so long to get through the meddles and stuff it was now very close to noon , and the girls ( and me too ) were getting hungry and tired . We decided to head on back to the house . I fixed them a lunch and got them to lay down for a nap . Jason was needing to lay down to , as he had been up for several hours by now . Once everybody was fed and down for a nap I went up stairs to engage in a conference call with PMI ( San Francisco Bay Area Chapter ) . As it turned out , the timing was excellent and I was able to stay for the entire call , and I felt as though I was actively participating in the group . Actually , I dropped off from the call just as it was coming to an end , but Jackie was making noise and I could hear her so I new I needed to get moving . I decided to do the old , " breakfast for dinner " selection for dinner tonight and the girls loved it . Stacy actually ate more than Jackie did , and that is very unusual . She really likes my pancakes because she ate almost as much as I did , plus the eggs and bacon . The only down side was that we are now out of eggs . . . I guess we 'll have cereal tomorrow . After dinner they got their baths , as usual and then tonight daddy read stories to them . Stacy selected a bunch of these books and both she and Jackie climbed up on the bed with Jason and he just read to them . I have posted a couple of the pictures to show what it looked like . I think you 'll understand why I decided to take a couple of the pictures . Anyway , after that they were very happy and they both went to bed with no problems at all . Thank you , all for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Not much to report today , though there is some new information that we need to get some clarification on . Because of the questions still associated with it I don 't want to give out wrong or misleading information . Just know that today has been one of those days where you have to question sanity of people in positions of power or influence . I did get in a bike ride in a hilly area , and I need to get more of those type rides in . My legs need to exercise more if I 'm going to be making the two - day ride . We also got the chance to take Gracie to the vet , and now she has a doctor where Jason is comfortable taking her . Prior we would had to drive about 30 miles north to get to the vet , so this is much better , and closer . The girls had a great day and dinner , and even a fun bath . I think about the only thing that might not have been as much fun was when I had to wash their hair . Actually they 're pretty good about it , and Linda gave me instruction that I am to braid their hair after their bath . It helps with the tangles the next morning , and since tomorrow the girls have to get up early , we don 't want to have unnecessary delays . The reason they have to get up early is that Stacy has a soccer game . Only two more for this year , and Jason wants to watch . Today was a little different , as Jason 's first appointment was with dental . He had not been to Dental , in Balboa , since coming here last year , actually I guess it was over a year ago , at the end of 2011 . Anyway , he had a dental appointment back in Bethesda and apparently that information didn 't make it to Balboa . He now has another chart / folder to keep track of , and , in his words , " something else to loose . " The visit was uneventful , and his teeth are fine , as far as we know . After that appointment we went over to Wound Care , where we really didn 't do much other than to change the dressing and talk with Dawn about how he was feeling . After that we headed on back home . About the most exciting thing that happened , did so while we were waiting to see Dawn , where we could see out one of the windows , that they were doing some sort of exercise over at one of the bases . As a large plane flew over you could see " spots " come out of the back of the plane and then parachutes opened up . This happened a couple of times and , like I said , was the most interesting thing for the day , up to that point . Of course after that we did have some fun , but that was expected . I picked up the girls from day care at about 16 : 25 ( 4 : 25pm ) and they both were very excited to see me , and wanted to get home to see their daddy . Jason didn 't come as he was feeling a bit sore still from the laser work that had been done , and he describes it as feeling like he has a very bad sunburn . After I picked them up we went over to the store to pick up some bread and lettuce and a couple other things , then we went on home and they were happy to see Gracie as I opened the door . They then proceeded to run to " daddy 's " room , and you could see on Gracie 's face a bit of confusion . She is adapting very well to all these continual changes , and I guess she just views this as another one . We had a great , and simple dinner ( I barbecued / grilled some hot dogs and hamburgers ) , and attempted to later watch a video , but as luck would have it . . . the DVD player decided to stop working . We don 't normally watch much in the way of TV or DVDs so I had no idea it was no longer functional . Something we 'll need to take care of , down the road . The girls had a great time playing tonight , and decided to play camp out . Stacy built a small " camp site " in their bedroom , and Jackie was having a great time doing whatever Stacy asked her to do . I guess it was better than a DVD anyway . Thank you , for all your continued prayers and support - Take care and stay positive . Well , another exciting day of PT ( Physical Therapy ) and picking up meds - okay , so that really isn 't too exciting . It was nice to have a relatively relaxed day after the procedure of yesterday , so in a sense it was a very positive day and I suppose that can be exciting . Mike , in PT , worked with Jason , on his shoulders and on strengthening both his arms and torso . The Sergeant Major came in a short while after Jason got there , and he was giving Jason a little bit of a hard time , and then Jason turned around and gave the Sergeant Major a hard time . They have been both showing up at PT at about the same time and constantly teasing each other about how fat they 've gotten or some other aspect that neither of them show . Actually it is turning into a pretty good friendship , and having a Sergeant Major as a friend probably won 't hurt Jason 's career at all . The number of patients has dropped considerably at the hospital , and it is easy to tell just be looking around . I take this as a good sign , meaning that there are fewer and fewer people coming back from Afghanistan with war injuries , thus this is a good thing . Because there are fewer people , going to the pharmacy for a prescription doesn 't take very long either , but there is still a need to wait some , just to have them fill the right number of pills or whatever is being picked up . After the pharmacy we went over to building 26 to sign a couple of documents , because I am his NMA ( non - medical attendant ) I had to sign two of them as well . We came back to the house shortly after that and then simply stayed home . Jason took his shower , since he did have a good work out at PT , and I changed the sheets on his bed . Lunch was a couple of burritos we picked up and then it was nap time , for Jason . I tried to catch up on my email and a few other things . Dinner came around and finally my time to update the blog . That brings us to right here ( reminds me of Space Balls , a Mel Brooks movie , dumb but very funny ) . Thank you , for all your continued prayers and support , and take care and stay positive . Jason had an early morning appointment with Dermatology , so we were asked to be over at the Naval Base Hospital by 06 : 30 this morning . The coordination was a little thin , as they had a couple of forms we were asked to fill out and bring in , and then when we brought them in they said , " Oh , you don 't need those . " So I guess it was one of those " just in case " kind of things . Anyway , we found our way over to the clinic and the folks were all there waiting for us . Within about 10 minutes we were in the prep room , and from there into the procedure room in about another 15 minutes . Now , I hope you 're noticing that I am saying " we " here , because they invited me to come along , as well as having Gracie ( the service dog ) there , too . It was the first time I had been invited to watch the full procedure of lazing the wounds and it was really kind of cool . The reason they wanted me to be there was because I have been dealing with his wound dressings for so long that they consider me the best person to replace the dressings once they were finished . As it was I had brought along all the stuff to do the dressing change . Jason wanted to be sure there wasn 't any issues with not having supplies . Once we were done we headed back home . Jason 's recovery was actually pretty quick . Within 30 minutes of being fully sedated he was back up in his wheelchair , heading back to the van . Gracie was a champ as well . I simply placed her in a corner of the small room , to keep her out of the way and she didn 't move . There were 8 doctors , 2 nurses and a corpsman , along with the lazier equipment tech and me . With that many feet moving around I wanted to be sure Gracie was comfortable as well as safe . Shortly after getting Jason back home , and fed ( neither of us had eaten anything ) I came upstairs to check on my email , and respond to a couple of phone calls . Once that was all done I decided to go ahead and get a bike ride in . Since it was just Jason and I , and Jason was sitting comfortably in his bed ( and sleeping ) , I figured I could get a quick 10 - 12 miler in . That isn 't how it worked out . I took off and road over to Sea World , and found that it is a lot closer than I thought , so I figured I 'd just ride a little farther up the road and then turn around . As it turned out I ended up riding all the way over to Anthony Netto 's place , and stopped in for a short visit ( and rest ) , and then headed back to the house . This is where the trouble began . I got all the way back to Sea World okay , but then for whatever reason I decided to make a right turn , one intersection too early . I figured I could always just cross back over and that would be okay , except there is no easy cross over and it added another 6 miles to my ride . Final ride turned out to be 18 miles , and my legs were feeling it . Funny thing is that Jason was just waking up when I came in , so he didn 't know I was gone for so long . Tomorrow we get back into the swing of his regular schedule of appointments , and I expect that it will be a bit more of a relaxed day . The procedure of today only causes a little tenderness with Jason , so it isn 't too much to recover from . They also did a tiny skin " harvest " , behind his left ear , that will be used to help with a different procedure , about three months from now . You will find out more on that as we go along . Thank you , for your continued prayers and support - take care and stay positive . First we went over to OT ( Occupational Therapy ) to go say , " Hi ! " to Lynn . I had left something in the van , so I told Jason to go ahead , and I 'd meet him there . The funny thing is , as I was coming back into the building , Lynn was coming in also . Jason was already in the room when I walked in with Lynn and I think it surprised him a little . It was the first time we had see Lynn in several weeks , so it was good to get a chance to sit and talk with her for a few minutes . She wanted to know how things went on the trip to Livermore , and when was Linda coming back down . We didn 't stay too long , as she was working , so we then headed over to PT ( Physical Therapy ) . In this case though , Jason did have an appointment - we were just 30 minutes early . That worked out okay , as Mike was there and he was the one Jason has been working with for the past couple of weeks . Not sure where Dawn is , but I think she might be on vacation or something . While in PT I guess we were being a little weird in that Jason had all the tools and weights he normally works with , but he was doing silly things with them . For instance , he would do his best to sit up straight and then reach over and attempt to pick up a 30 lb dumb bell and it would cause him to fall over . He thought this was the most fun thing to do over and over again . Marines have a very strange sense of humor . Afterward , we were walking out in the court yard , heading over to the Dermatology area , where Jason is going to have a procedure done tomorrow , and he starts urging Gracie ( his service dog ) to start chasing a pigeon . Gracie went crazy , and was having all sorts of fun . She never got close to the bird but that didn 't matter . It was the most fun the two of them have had yet . I can see her running more , once she gets more used to Jason , and he can let her off leash , in a field or dog park . The rest of the day was spent filling out all the right forms to make sure it was going to be a relatively easy morning tomorrow . Tomorrow will probably be short entry in the blog , as the procedure is the only thing he is going to do . Thank you , all for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . The girls got up about the time I thought they would , around 08 : 30 , but that was because we were up a little late last night having fun . They didn 't get to sleep until after 21 : 30 ( 9 : 30pm ) because they just wanted to keep on playing and then finally Daddy told them a story and said they had to get to sleep . I think he told them the story of the Three Pigs and the Big Bad Wolf - but I could be wrong . This morning we took them over to their mother 's place because it is Mother 's Day , and they should see her on this day . After we dropped them off we came back to the house and then shortly after that we were out on the road again , as Jason wanted a new piece of furniture for his room . He had found a piece that was on sale and would help to pick up some ( all ? ) of the clutter in his room . Linda and I spoke yesterday and said that one of the things we were going to get done is to at least start going through a bunch of the stuff in the garage , so that we can better use the space . The rest of the day was dedicated to finishing up laundry and a little cleaning around the house . I didn 't get out on the bike , and that might have been a mistake , but it just didn 't fit in with the rest of what we were doing . Tomorrow Jason has an early formation , so I 'm going to attempt to get to bed a little earlier tonight . I expect tomorrow to be a little more of the normal interesting than today , though it is good to have an easy day every now and again . Thank you , for all your continued prayers and support - take care and stay positive . Another late post for the blog . It has been a busy day , and a most enjoyable day . Heck , even the evening was enjoyable and it ended with a very nice conversation with Linda . I sure will be glad when she can get back down here , but that really shouldn 't be too long . The day started with me going for a nice bike ride . The girls will be coming over this morning , and then spending the day with us so I needed to be sure I was back from the ride before 09 : 00 . As it was , I was able to get in a quick 12 miles , a couple moderate hills and all done in one hour . I was tired and sweaty when I got back , so I know there is still some training to be done . I need to get up to 45 mile rides , and even more before I 'll be ready for the two - day event . Jason is pretty excited about the girls being here again . Linda and I had four sons , and over the past 35 + years we have been asked many times , " would you like to have a girl ? " We were never disappointed in having sons , and the joy they brought us was tremendous . Having said that , and now having had the experience of " raising " a couple of daughters , I can see why Jason is so happy about his daughters . Sons are great and bring their parents so much joy and pride , yet the love of a daughter is something that you can only experience from having a daughter . We went over to Anthony 's for dinner tonight , and there was a car show going on right where he lives . The girls were all excited and amazed , and then towards later in the evening there was a dragster of some sort on display and they cranked up the engine . It was making all kinds of noise and fortunately we were far enough away that the sound wasn 't too bad . Still it was quite impressive , and both the girls were sitting there with their eyes open very wide . The only other thing I did today was to get closer to finishing working on the backyard , and the hedges are now completely trimmed . I have two more of those large black bags full of yard waste . I won 't toss either of them in to the trash , until it is time for the trash to go out . Actually there should be room , but I want to be safe . And , that was the day for us . Not in that order , but that 's how it came to me . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . Today was a little different in that Jason didn 't have any medical appointments to attend to . He did , however have an appointment with the lady that made Gracie possible for Jason . After dropping the girls off at day care , we had to drive out to Oceanside and pick up a medication for Gracie . It was a nice drive , about 20 - 25 minutes and then when we got there you could almost see how Gracie was aware and familiar with the surroundings , only not sure why . We didn 't stay too long and then came right back to the house . Jason wanted to take a shower and have the dressings changed , and that was good by me . After doing that I was planning on heading out and going for a bike ride . Well , like all great plans , there were a couple of hick - ups , and by the time I finally got up to change into my riding clothes I decided to lay down for just a moment , and promptly fell asleep . Fortunately I didn 't sleep too long and I 've learned to be flexible with my schedule . I ended up getting out for just a little over an hour , and road out towards Cabrillo National Park . I didn 't go all the way to the park , as I was getting tired because of the hills , but it was good to go as far as I did . Next week I 'll see if I can make it all the way to the park . Not much else going on today , and it was kind of relaxed . Tomorrow I think I 'll be doing some laundry and maybe working a little more on the yard ( back yard ) . The tough part is that there isn 't a " green " recycling program here , so I just toss the yard waste into the trash bin . Oh well , once it is done we won 't have to worry about it for several months , but I 'll be working on it regularly over the next couple of weeks . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers , and take care and stay positive . A good day for Jason , especially since we got to see the girls , and they are sleeping in this house tonight . We had a great time with them , and we especially had a great time right after they took their bath . Shortly after bath is bed time and they wanted a bed time story . It amazes me that they never seem to tire of Jack and the Bean Stalk . Stacy loves to join in on the story , and adds her own characters as well as the occasional sound effects . All around it was fun times . The day started out with a visit to the wound clinic and Dawn was happy to see us again . When we first got here from Bethesda , there was some mix up with some of the supplies that she had ordered for Jason , and we initially used up all that they had . Fortunately I had brought a bunch with us , so we had some coverage for several weeks . As it turned out , the mix up was corrected and now they have all the supplies that they , and Jason needs and we 're in good shape . Tomorrow is going to be another good day , and we 'll see where that takes us into the weekend . Right now we don 't have any plans for doing anything in particular , other than me finishing up with the clean up of the backyard ( I got a bunch of it done today ) . We might invite some friends over to have a barbecue or something . Anyway , it is going to be a nice day tomorrow . Thanks , for all the continued prayers and support , and take care and stay positive . Jason had a great day with PT today . We even had a chance to play catch , with a 10lb ball ( it was part of his shoulder work ) . We did get a chance to go see a few of the other folks we know here , and while we were out and about , we noticed that there are fewer people here now . That most of the guys that are still here are the ones who have the most severe wounds and such , and that several of them are Army . All these guys tend to support each other and have developed a bond , no doubt related to their injuries rather than their branch of service . I think all of them are E . O . D . as well but I haven 't asked yet . A couple of things were put in place today to make it more like it was , prior to the trip back out to Bethesda , and that was good to see . The closer we get back to the way it was , I think will be better for Jason and his healing process . We 're looking forward to some of the next steps , as I talked a little about yesterday , but that looks like it is going to happen a couple of weeks down the road . Jason knows he is here for the long haul and that he won 't be leaving the hospital area for well over a year , and perhaps two . I was told , not too long ago , that I needed to be careful about some of the things I write in this blog , because my grand kids , more specifically my granddaughters , might end up reading it . Well , there isn 't anything I 've written that I would not want them to see , and if they are reading it I just want them to know that we love you and you are always in our thoughts and in our hearts . Daddy , Grandma and Grandpa miss you very much , as does the rest of the family . Well , that just about does it for today , and tomorrow is going to be another exciting kind of day . I now have a hedge trimmer ( Big Thank You to Trident Realty for the gift , and Mike thank you for the visit ) , so I can now get out there and finish what I was attempting to do by hand held clippers . It wasn 't looking too bad , just that some of the places I just couldn 't reach . The trimmer " extends " my reach a little farther . Thank you all for all the prayer support and take care and stay positive . Today was a nice relaxed day , where Jason only had a couple of appointments , and we were back over to the house well before noon . We did stop by the Child Development Center , but both the girls were not there so we didn 't stay very long . We were expecting a visit from Child Protection Services , as a case needs to be resolved / closed , but they called and said they would not be coming by today ( actually it isn 't a " they " it is a " she " ) , and would be by tomorrow . This was okay with us , but we would really liked to have gotten this out of the way . Jason has been talking to the lady on the phone , and she needs to verify with her eyes . I did get a chance to go for a bike ride , and it was a little bit of a challenge . The wind was picking up and it seemed like it didn 't matter what direction I was going , it was always against the wind . Fortunately there was some down hill , and yes , that also means there was uphill stretches . The ride was another 12 miler , and it took just under an hour to do it , so I figure I 'm doing okay right now . I need to build up to 50 + mile rides , so that I can do the two - day ride when it finally gets here . Jason wounds are actually looking a little better than they have , so I was particularly happy about that . The next steps we will be taking are going to be coming up in a matter of a few weeks , so better is good . He got a good nap in , mostly while I was riding and we also found out that there is a good chance that Larry , our in - home assistant , is coming back . This should allow me to take longer rides , and help me to not worry so much while I am out . Tomorrow is going to be a busy day for us , so I don 't think I 'm going to be able to go out for another ride . We will again make an effort to see the girls , but we 'll have to see how that goes . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and for all the support . Also , please pray for the girls , as I know they miss their daddy , and also pray for their mom . Take care and stay positive . Another day and another day without the girls . We are hoping to get this resolved soon as we would really like to have some time with the girls . This is being very unfair to Jason , as he has done nothing to deserve this kind of treatment , but obviously we are having to deal with it . We went to the hospital early this morning , to take care of a couple of appointments . His physical therapy session went very well , and they continue to work on his shoulders , and are now working on his breathing . I was very impressed with how Mike was getting things to loosen up , and allow his shoulder to move more , and at the same time he was allowing Jason to breath better . Once Jason was done with PT we went over to one of the two laser doctors , and that turned into a very positive visit . The doctor was anxious to get to discuss this with Jason , as he had called me twice , once while in Livermore , and then again shortly after we returned . He seemed pretty excited about the advances that are being made with stem cell research and Jason is a perfect candidate for one of these opportunities . As the doctor has repeatedly said , it is a very low risk with a potentially very high gain . When Jason said he was up for it , and wanted to move forward the doctor said , " I 'm pumped ! " The flip side is that it is going to be a long and somewhat slow process , and the first step probably won 't happen for a couple of weeks , then the second step would happen a couple of months down the road . This is a very patience intensive process . We stopped at the day care and the girls were not there . They had not been brought to day care again , and we can only assume that it was something that was done intentionally , to keep them away from Jason . Jason was disappointed , as I was , and we are going to continue to keep moving , and know that we will eventually see them . We then headed back to the house , and just spent the rest of the day relaxing . It rained most of the day , so we couldn 't even go outside to do much . I did pick up some of the brush from the backyard ( I 've been trimming the bushes ) , and the yard is looking a little more like it was . The challenge is that unlike Livermore , we don 't have a " Green " waste bin , and so I have to put that trimmings into the trash bin . It is going to take a while to get it all . Dinner was simple , as it was reheated left overs from yesterday . Then we kind of just laid around and didn 't do too much more . Tomorrow will be another day and we 'll go at it in a positive manner . Thank you , all for all the prayers and support - take care and stay positive . Good day for Jason , in that we didn 't do much . Part of the reason we didn 't do much was that it was misting , or a lite sprinkle , and our previous plans to go have a barbecue didn 't happen . We did get up moderately early , for a Sunday , and we had a quick cereal breakfast . I went for a short 12 mile bike ride that was pretty much flat , so not too strenuous , and it was cool out . I didn 't mind the moisture in the air , as it helped to keep me cooler , yet the road surfaces were effectively dry . After I had my shower and got dressed , I helped Jason with his shower and then put on new dressings . We ended up on going to meet Anthony at a nice restaurant by the boardwalk , and just enjoyed the conversation and visiting . When we got back to the house I told Jason that I was going to have to still cook the chicken and sausages that I had taken out for the original barbecue . I actually and thawed them yesterday , so I didn 't want them to go another day without being cooked . We ended up having some of it for dinner , and it was pretty good with rice and vegetables . The rest of the day was doing laundry and watching the Giants beat the Dodgers . I got to watch most of the game so I felt pretty good . It was a sweep too , so I even felt better . I have to admit , though , that I am a bit disappointed by the Dodgers . Last year I expected them to put up a better run at the end , and they kind of just fell apart , and now they seem to be continuing the slide into this season . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers for Jason and his healing . The wounds are giving us some extra challenges and I am hoping to get some better focus on it by the doctors and other medical folks . Take care and stay positive . Quite the interesting day for Jason and I . We started out relatively early , and went over to the soccer game over at MCRD . Stacy was very happy to see Daddy and was up in his arms for quite some time . She gave me a big hug and kiss and started to tell me all about her soccer game . She also told me that Jackie wasn 't there today , as she stayed back with her " other " grandfather . As it turned out Stacy didn 't come back to the house with us , because Jason didn 't want to bring one and leave the other behind . Stacy did do a great job of playing soccer , and really seems to be getting into the game . Jason and I then took off and did a couple of other errands , including purchasing a a new bed for Gracie . We went to Ross , as we were told that was the best place to get pet beds , and sure enough they had one for Gracie . Actually , it was kind of cute the way that Gracie sort of picked out her own bed . Jason picked out a couple of them that he liked ; I laid them down on the floor for Gracie to examine ; and , she went right to the one that I thought was best and started to roll around on it . That was the one we bought . We also had gone for breakfast this morning , and went to Mimi 's restaurant . They were moderately busy , and Gracie generated a number of comments by the other patrons . We sat down next to this nice couple who ran a non - profit organization and they thought Gracie was great . When they got up to leave they asked if Jason needed help finding employment , because that is what their non - profit did , help get veterans placed , and Jason thanked them , and let them know he was still active duty . I did take one of their business cards and then they left . When it came time for us to pay our bill we found out they had already paid it for us and we simply got up and left . We went home and I did some cleaning and then helped Jason with a shower and dressing changed . He then got in bed and relaxed and then I did the same thing . Jason had said earlier that he wanted to go to the movies , and see Iron Man 3 , so early evening we went over to the theater and bought tickets . We had to buy tickets to a later showing than originally planned ( the 16 : 55 ( 4 : 55pm ) showing was sold out ) so we had some extra time . We went over to Chipotle and Jason ordered a burrito and I got a chicken bowl ( effectively a burrito without the tortilla ) . As we were sitting there a nice lady came over and handed Jason a gift card for Chipotle , said , " Thank you , " and then walked away . Maybe it was a good thing we had lunch at home . . . ; - ) The movie was entertaining , and we had a good time . They allowed Jason and I ( with Gracie ) into the theater first , about 2 minutes ahead of everybody else . That gave us all the time we needed to get settled , and it was appreciated . I hope tomorrow is at least as good as today was . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support , take care and stay positive . Today started out pretty good , we , Jason and I got up early so that he could get to formation , and then he had some appointments afterward . I fixed oatmeal for breakfast ( it 's fast and easy ) and then we were on our way . I figured that while Jason was at his formation I could take care of a few personal things that I 've been wanting to get out of the way , so I did , and then while he was in a training session I went to go get my hair cut . I feel soooo much better , now that I don 't look like I just came down out of the mountains . After all this we did his appointments , and then we spoke with a few folks about supplies . The great thing is that the supplies were all readily available , so we were able to bring them right home , except for the special tape that he likes to use . That was actually delivered a short while after we got home - pretty cool . Jason decided that he wanted to go pick up the girls from day care , around 14 : 30 ( 2 : 30pm ) , as that was right after their naps , and still ahead of the heavy Friday traffic . The only glitch in this is that the girls were not at day care . They were not brought in today , according to the sign - in documents there . To say the least , Jason and I were disappointed , and a little concerned . There was no communication as to why they were not there , so we are in the dark about that . We are hoping that we can get to see them tomorrow as Stacy has a soccer game , and as far as Jason is aware the game is still on . Next week we should be able to get in to see the doctors about the plastics work that Jason still needs to have done . It is always kind of interesting going into see these guys because they are both very interesting to talk with , as well as having a very broad span of knowledge . They are also both quite tall . My guess is that they are both about 6 ' 10 " , and both working in the same area . There is a new procedure they want to try on Jason that should provide some help with the generation of skin on the wounds , now called chronic wounds , since they 've been around so long . We look forward to this dialog as Jason would really like to move on to a " next " stage in his recovery . Thank you , for all your continued prayers and support and take care and stay positive . Quite the nice and relaxing day today . About the extent of Jason 's travels today was our journey to the grocery store , where we bought some food and other things to get us through the rest of the week , and into next week . Jason also wanted to head over to Dick 's Sporting Goods , and pick up a couple of things , and to get a ball for Gracie , his dog . She is not a retriever so when Jason bounced the tennis ball in front of her she just sort of looked at it and then at him . I felt she was asking , " Am I supposed to be doing something with that ? " Then , again , he did buy her a rawhide chew , and she seems to really enjoy that . I went for a nice ride today . I left late morning and was back by early afternoon . Total ride time was about 1 1 / 2 hours . I will be riding like that over the next several days and gradually building up my stamina and endurance . I 'll be going for the two - day ride again , and I want to do better this time . Well , Jason had his mediation today and there was no outcome . I don 't know if that is good or bad , all I know is that it is the next step . I was concerned that he was up in the meeting room , with just the three of them , for nearly four hours . That put him in his chair for almost six hours , before he was able to get back onto the bed . He did take a shower , shortly after we returned home , and that is always a good thing , I just wish there was a better way to handle these legal issues , so that he wasn 't physically stressed so much . The rest of the day was spent down , and I did laundry . I also did a little catching up on my email and actually did a little job hunting . All of that is important , and I really don 't mind doing the laundry , or even cooking the meals , but what really made today was that I finally got out on my bike . I didn 't ride too far , even still it was a pleasant change for me to get out and do something different on my bike again . I need to start training for that same 2 - day bike ride , coming up in October . And , I want to do better with the ride this time . Last time my legs simply gave out the last 25 or so miles and I rode the chase van in . It also means that I am going to be asking folks to start considering sponsoring / supporting me for the ride , as I would like to at least generate $ 5K in donations this year , and hopefully more . Tomorrow Jason is going to spend most of the day in bed , and that is a good thing . It allows the wounds to get a little rest . Next week we will be meeting with a couple of the doctors and discussing some new experimental procedures , that sound like they have good promise . The fact that they are experimental causes me to have questions , so I 'll bring them up when we meet . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and for all the support . Take care and stay positive .

A couple of weeks ago , I was trying to back out of my driveway . K was visiting as he seems to spend most of his time at my house these days . K had not pulled his car up to the point where I 'd repeatedly asked him to . I was in a rush . I tried to back out of the driveway 20 times and each time I felt my car falling into the ditch , I pulled back up . As I was pulling out , I saw the neighbor across the street in her yard . When I returned , I remembered something I wanted to tell the neighbor about being gone and expecting some packages . She mentioned how much watching me back out that morning had scared her . I explained that I 'd talked with K about pulling his car up before and he just wouldn 't listen . Her response was classic " That 's all men . " Yes , individual incidents like that where a man puts his wife in danger of running her car into the ditch might be just being a man but when you are married to a man with Aspergers , it 's so much more . These incidents are constant . There is no redeeming moment . There 's no apology . Being married to a man with Aspergers is like having all the bad traits of men amplified with few moments of redemption . There 's his need for power and control but no tender moments in the evenings when the kids have gone to bed . There 's getting mad and breaking things but no he makes no apologies about it and sometimes never fixes or replaces what he breaks . He gets a long with everyone but his own wife . He will say whatever it takes to please them but he will never stand up for his wife . People once told my husband they thought I was an awful person . When asked what he said to that , said " I didn 't say anything . I don 't know what you might have said when I 'm not with you . " I 've tried to get this situation out of my head but there it sits and it 's all to common in this AS / NT relationship . When we came home from the house K is supposed to be living in , we drove straight to church . Cupcake had to be there to volunteer . Short cake really wanted to go and I wanted her to go but I looked terrible . I go out without make up all the time and none of my clothes are in style so if I didn 't want to get out of the car because I was embarrassed about how I looked , it was bad . I had on faded black jeans , and old t - shirt with the screen print falling off , old glasses from the nineties and I was in very bad need of a hair cut and of course no make up . If I 'd just had a few of those things going on , I would have taken her in . K and I had a huge argument I in the car sitting outside of the church . He told me it was ridiculous to care about how I looked and how dumb caring about what other people thought was . He finally took us . When he realized that Shortcake and I fully expected him to take her back to church he said " What ? I can 't take her to church . I 'm wearing a raggedy shirt and jeans with holes in them . " See the double standard ? So many things are okay for him and yet not okay for me . In the end , I changed shirts and put on make up and took Shortcake back to church 30 min . late . Last night , we all piled in the car and headed up to his house . It 's so hard for K and I to communicate sometimes and it shows in simple things like packing the car . It takes forever as both of us are careful to make sure we aren 't the only one doing all the work . It was 11 o ' clock by the time we left my house for his . The kids make so much noise every time we go some where and we didn 't want to attract the attention of the neighborhood that late . So we told them to pretend they were the Von Trapp family escaping in the The Sound of Music . That actually worked . I wonder if they 'd do that during the day . After we turned around 3 times to get things K needed , we were on our way . We arrived at K 's house after midnight . He needed to check on his dog and her puppies . They were all fine but did need some tending too . Meanwhile I got the youngest kids settled into our old house . We were all sleeping by 1 : 30am . At 6am I hear the dog barking and some other odd sounds . K goes to check on the dog and doesn 't come back for a very long time during which the gun shots of hunting season start . Needless to say , there was no sleep to be had . Before we knew it , the kids were awake to watch the parades and dog show . K is our family chef . Mostly , because he is hypercritical of anyone else that steps in the kitchen so I just let him do it . I was disappointed when he said he was going to fix instant mashed potatoes because I really don 't like them . I do love garlic mashed potatoes with nothing added ( except garlic ofcourse ! ) and the lumps still there . However , in K 's mind , I 've said i don 't like instant mashed potatoes so I just don 't like mashed potatoes at all . In the end , he forgot the potatoes altogether but we had lots of other wonderful foods including a turkey . Later I got on the computer to shop for boots for Cupcake . It was really stressful . I asked for his card to charge the boots . He dragged his feet . I asked about what size he thought I should order her . His opinion wasn 't forthcoming . And because I did not make the decisions on my own , I lost the boots and had to buy a more expensive pair . My need for support , resulted in a melt down and damages on K 's part . He doesn 't see how anyone could need emotional support while shopping . Today , I met someone for coffee that I really don 't know that well . I mentioned that K was at home with the kids and then later mentioned that his house is actually close to her house . It seems so normal to me most of the time that I forget that the rest of the world thinks our living arrangements are weird . I tried to take all of the advice in . I stuffed my feelings inside but all around me , I hear and see the truth . I see the way that couples look at each other . I hear conversations amongst friends about their marriages . I can hear the love in their voices as spouses talk about each other . It 's really amazing that even when friends ' complain about their husbands , the love they have for each other shines through anyway . It really can 't be hidden and I wouldn 't want them to . I have children and I want them to see these things . I want them to see the way things should be and not what a situation prevents me from having with their father . Lots of people LAT for different reasons . In my case , I 'd be lying if I said I didn 't want what those other couples have . I 'm not sharing anything I haven 't told K a million times . Posted by I had always loved kids and babies . Before we were married , I had wanted 8 and he wanted 2 . We unrealistically compromised at 6 . We decided to wait 5 years after marriage before we had kids . That was the original plan anyway . It wasn 't long before we had an infant and toddler move in next door with their parents . I would be talking to K in the apartment and suddenly he 'd stop responding . I 'd go out in the living room where he 'd been watching TV . He was always gone . He hadn 't even let me know he 'd left ! Ninety percent of the time I 'd walk out side and I could already see him sitting in our neighbors ' living room playing with those boys . He loved seeing them . I began to see this as my opportunity to bring him back . Note : In high school , when they told you that having babies to save a relationship was wrong , they weren 't just talking about before you are married . It 's also not a good idea to have a baby to save a marriage . That did not occur to me at the time though and I love ALL of our children very much regardless . He looked stunned as if the idea had never occurred to him . He didn 't say anything else until we were driving to visit family over Thanksgiving . We were in the car alone K : I need you to do me a favor . I 've been praying that we 'd get pregnant for two months and you just keep getting your period . I was thinking if you pray too , then it would help . You know that whole two or more thing . . . By January , he had conceded that we could go off the pill and have sex but only for two months to get pregnant . I got pregnant on the first cycle . I 'd just gotten a temporary job with full time hours . I was back in school to see if I could find an actual job , I 'd volunteered to help out with the local track team and then I was pregnant . I was starting to feel really stressed . Track had not yet started when we saw the coach at the bank . He asked if I was still planning to help out and just as I was about to say that I was reconsidering , K spoke up and said " Of course she is ! She can 't wait ! " So that was that . I held up really well until we had a week off at Easter . I started to have panic attacks but I was young and didn 't know what those were . I 'd never had them before . We were supposed to be visiting his parents . I didn 't last long there and made him drive me 4 1 / 2 hours home . He left me there and went back to visit his parents . Thank goodness , my mom came to stay with me so didn 't have to suffer through the scary attacks by myself . Oddly , none occurred while she was there . They were in full force once he returned though . I was so scared of having these panic attacks that I didn 't sleep at night . Things were finally going better with K . He was starting to be some what loving again in his own way , so I 'd lie down with him until he went to sleep and then I 'd get up again . I was averaging about 2 - 4 hours of sleep per night . I was still having the panic attacks . Almost all at night but it eventually turned into constant anxiety . One day K cames to me and said " I 'm concerned about you . I read somewhere that people can die without enough sleep . " Thanks ! That makes me feel a lot better . On the fourth of July , I was about 6 months pregnant and felt HUGE . I really wanted to go see fireworks . K refused saying that it was too hot to go sit in a crowd . I was very disappointed and we spent our evening the usual way . K watched TV shows that he knew I didn 't like and I spent the evening on the computer trying to get social interaction from Internet forums since it seemed to be the best I could do in that small town . When the 11 o ' clock news came on , K got really excited and told me I need to come see what was on TV as he was just sure I was going to like it . It turns out there were fire works on the 11 o ' clock news . I was not impressed . K could not understand how it wasn 't the same thing . He figured it would be just as good . Ten days later was our first anniversary . His mom called . He hung up the phone and said " Mom says I should take you out to dinner for our anniversary . " I was thinking . After a year of being married to you , I deserve a lot more than dinner out ! Later that summer , we were sitting at the kitchen table . I was chopping vegetables for dinner . He was going on and on about how much he wanted a boy . Me : What 's wrong with having a girl ? He spent most of the class sessions talking about getting donuts from Krispy Kreme . He never got them because I 'd spent any extra money on the classes and the gas to get there . I had been about 4 months pregnant when K came home to find his very modest , flannel pajama loving wife sitting around naked . He was shocked . I explained that my clothes were uncomfortable so I just took them off . This came up later in childbirth class when the instructor was talking about the stages of labor . She explained that if a woman was losing her modesty and taking off clothes it was time to go to the hospital . K was very , very concerned about this and raised his hand . " How will I know when to go to the hospital if she lost her modesty at four months pregnant ? " I went into labor after having a dinner guest one night . My water broke and K was so excited . When it was time to go to the hospital , I decided to wear a dress in an attempt to avoid wet pants as I wasn 't really prepared for my water to break . When I came out with my things , he said " Why are you wearing a dress ? You are going to the hospital , not to church ! " He called his parents who said they would leave when his dad got off work at 2am . This wasn 't how I imagined it going . No one asked if it was okay if they came so soon . Luckily , Cupcake was born about an hour before they walked in the hospital room unannounced leaving us with no bonding time as a family . They insisted that K make the hour drive back to our apartment with them because they had brought the crib mattress we needed with this . That 's what you get stuck getting when you wait until the last minute to ask what we need . I had not wanted to go to the hospital at all . The place scared me and I didn 't want to be left alone . I tried to protest . I hadn 't even been able to get cleaned up yet . He insisted that he go let his parents into our apartment . It took him 6 hours to return . He decided to take a nap while he was there . I had to leave the baby in the nursery which I was very against so I could get a shower . That night , K did get up with Cupcake so I could sleep some . He 's been in love with all of his kids at first sight . He doesn 't always understand them , but he loves them very much . I struggled with whether or not to write this . Society would say I should leave out the parts regarding sex . However , when you talk about Asperger 's and marriage , sex is a big area where the marriage differs . According to Eva Mendes , MA , a psychotherapist and couples counselor , " Adults with AS tend to either want a lot of sexual activity or too little . " If reading about this topic in relation to my marriage offends you , please skip this post . Everything seemed great the month before the wedding . K bounced back quicker than expected from the death of his grandfather and we were looking forward to our wedding . I was handling last minute details and taking summer classes to finish up my degree . K finally got a job in his field weeks before the wedding and they wanted him to be there just 10 days later . We quickly found an apartment in the small town where he had a couple of distant relatives . We were married in a church wedding as small as I could make it in his hometown . We did the traditional pictures after the wedding and the photographer kept telling him " Look at me . Not her . " I 'm not sure I 'd ever seen him look at me that way and I haven 't since . It all stopped when the photographer asked about taking pictures with grandparents and things were never the same . After the reception , we left with people blowing bubbles at us and went to visit his Papaw who was unable to attend the wedding . We went back to the church to change for the picnic following . K 's parents were loading the candelabra that his mother insisted we get ( and that I pay for ) into a truck to return . It was their sole job for our wedding other than the rehearsal dinner the night before . Kendall insisted on helping them load it which was taking forever . Even though I 'd wanted to elope and have a honeymoon , I 'd planned the wedding with very little help over the past 6 months . I felt no guilt about leaving them all to clean up the church . K on the other hand didn 't want to leave his family ( whom he 'd see as soon as they were done returning the candelabra ) . So I rode with a friend to the picnic without him . Around 8pm , I told him it was time to go . He stalled by talking to everyone he could in the parking lot . He stalled by stopping to talk to every relative sitting on their front porch on the way to the hotel . We were getting really funny looks . It took us three hours to make an hour trip . By the time we got to the hotel at 11pm , I was exhausted . He made it clear that we were only consummating the marriage " because we have to . " The next weekend we moved our stuff to our new town and then 3 days later , he was gone . I sent him with a car of neatly packed and labeled boxes that we 'd kept at our apartment a little longer . We talked frequently over the next week and a half . He was in a panic over getting the utilities set up and told me he was completely out of money and that I needed to put some in his bank account so he could live . I pretty much emptied my account into his even after the bank told me he still had $ 1000 in it . I trusted my new husband knew what he was talking about . As I was driving to our new home 10 days later , I imagined neatly packed boxes or everything already put away . What I actually found was K standing in the office with at least half the boxes empty ; the contents mixed together into one big pile on the floor . He was frantically trying to put things away . He looked at me as I walked in and said " Let 's go eat . " He didn 't have a lot to say . He continued to not have anything to say for at least the next 6 months . He refused to come anywhere near me . He stayed up until 2am and was gone by 7am . I was asleep when he came to bed and still sleeping in the morning since I 'd stayed up until I couldn 't hold my eyes open waiting for him . On the occasion that he came to bed while I was awake , he hugged his side of the bed telling me to get away from him . He 'd tell me he 'd be home from work at one time and arrive home 2 1 / 2 hours later even though he only worked fifteen minutes from home and there was no traffic to hold him up . I had to trap him in the car just to talk . I 'd ask about his day when he came home and he 'd tell me it was fine . Then he 'd call his dad and give him all kinds of details he refused to give me . I didn 't understand what was wrong . I was in a new town where I couldn 't find a job because they just don 't have jobs in my field in small towns and the other jobs seemed to be given to people they knew . Even basic fast food jobs . This small town was an hour from any city of any size . The only place I could really go was church . The one human being who should have been my rock was completely absent from my life . He was a roommate and nothing more . I finally directly approached him about lack of action in the bedroom . Like most young couples these days , we had not waited for marriage so it wasn 't that he had a reason to be afraid . He had a million excuses which all seemed as if he was just putting me off . I now realize he may have actually believed some of those excuses since some of it revolved around stereotypes and he acted as if he was doing me a favor to relieve me of the stress of sex . The absence of it was quickly taking down my self esteem and causing me to doubt the security of my marriage . When discussing it didn 't work , I wrote my feelings down and had him read it he said " This is the same sh $ % you are always talking about . " My heart hurt more than anyone could ever imagine . There was my husband . I wasn 't allowed to touch him at all and I was barely allowed to speak to him . All around me people chatted about intimate moments with their husbands . I know they didn 't think it was a big deal . After all , I was a newlywed , surely I was having those experiences . Instead , it really hurt to listen to it and I cried myself to sleep every night . K didn 't seem to notice it . Or at least he didn 't care if he did . We did the grocery shopping together shopping only from the circulars as it was all we could afford . The first time I threw pads I needed in the cart , he said " Can 't that wait until next month ? " I wish ! Still , after he protested again I put them back . The same thing happened the next month and after that I used money I received for Christmas to purchase cloth ones so I wouldn 't have to be without . If I had felt like I had any support at all or even a job , I would have ended the marriage . I hated where we lived . I hated that I couldn 't get a hair cut or even the feminine products I needed . I wanted something to put my hair up with . I wanted to go camping and travel with my husband . Instead , we went to his parents house every month and it was like going from one prison to another . Not long after we were engaged , we decided that we 'd done a really poor job at picking roommates in the past and decided we would be able to live together much easier . We each called our parents and gave them a choice . We could get married before we moved in together or we could wait until I graduated but we would be living together either way . Both sets of parents unanimously agreed they wanted me to graduate before we got married . I moved into our apartment first , while he went home for the summer to complete an internship . He went ahead and moved his things from his old apartment into our apartment . He set all of his kitchen stuff in the middle of the living floor and went home . I walked around it for two weeks . After he didn 't pick it up the second weekend , I put it away and asked him about it . That was just the beginning . Right away , we had a problem with the shower . It had a nice window in it that opened to air out the bathroom . Gotta love those things . He 'd leave it open and shut the shower curtain so I didn 't realize it was open . He could not understand why I had a problem with this . I tried to explain that I did not enjoy being undressed and then realizing the window was open when I opened the shower curtain . To him , I should just remember to check first . He refused to change . I HAD to get a third party involved . His mind was not going to change on this one . Finally , he agreed to at least leave the shower curtain open if he was going to open the window so that I could see it was open when I entered the bathroom . Then he started applying for jobs . One job at a time . He refused to have more than one job application out at a time . He waited until that job was filled before he would send another off . He pretty much refused to apply in a city of any type . My degree was such that I needed a city in order to get a job . When he did not get a job , he got angry like I 'd never seen before . He once knocked my recently arranged books off the shelf I 'd just organized and another time broke the then expensive laser mouse my mother had gotten me for my birthday . The mouse was never replaced and the books were never picked up . . . at least not by him . During the first semester , house work was easy to keep up with . He was gone for most of the day . I could do my homework while I was doing our laundry and tidy up while he was gone . The second semester did not start well . His beloved grandmother whom he thought of as a mother passed away at the end of Christmas Break . This sent him into an extreme depression . I tried to be there for him . I understood when he woke up crying in the middle of the night for most of the first 6 months . However , he mostly sat in front of the TV watching static because we were too cheap to pay for cable and the house became impossible to clean up since he was always in it and not even doing the basics of cleaning up after himself . I tried to explain that they would be showing our apartment soon and he didn 't care . The landlord showed it a mess . I had school work that needed to be finished and I ended up having to drop classes to plan a wedding all by myself and make attempts at house work . This meant I would still be going to school for the first two weeks we were married . During this time I also felt forced to quit training for the triathlons I 'd come to love . Taking care of him , planning a wedding , and trying very unsuccessfully to take care of our apartment left me no time . In May , his grandfather passed away . He had gone on a trip across the state with his job . His parents knew this and still failed to inform him when things were getting serious with his grandfathers health . They left a message on our answering machine about the family being called in and I spent 6 hours trying to track him down . He had ridden down with a co - worker and had no car . He wasn 't quite old enough to rent a car but since I 'd had to go through multiple sheriffs / police departments to get his whereabouts ( his work refused to help and he didn 't own a cell phone . ) they were able to get him in a rental car . I told him I 'd meet him at the hospital . He calls me from a pay phone an hour from where he started and tells me he 's stopping to eat . I was furious . He said " What ? Do they think he 's going to die ? " Umm yeah . That 's why I spent my entire day tracking you down !

This weekend we have family coming home . It 's homecoming Sunday at the family church . I haven 't been to one in years , but it 's the old - fashioned type church homecoming . Everybody will get there early to catch up and talk for awhile , and then preaching during the morning . Everyone brings food so at lunchtime , there 's a long break and everyone goes outside and eats under the trees and more catching up . When lunch is done and cleaned up , they all go back inside and listen to more preaching . As I said , I haven 't been to one in years and each year Fmom tries to guilt trip me into going , but I always refuse . I call it the family church because my grandparents helped get the most recent incarnation built , plus my aunts , sisters , nieces and nephews have been married there . Anyway half the family will be here this weekend for the homecoming . So Fmom is using her Fmom code language to let me know to straighten up the house . But I have my secret weapon for the furtherance of the slackerly lifestyle . Whenever I pick something up by Fmom I just let out a groan and set my face is the most horrible of grimaces . She 'll immediately ask me what 's wrong and I 'll innocently say , " Oh nothing , just the back . " She 'll tell me to stop the cleaning right now and go lay down , and I 'll valiantly refuse saying we have family coming home . Another groan , another grimace and then I 'll finally let myself be convinced by her to take a break . OK I admit I 'm milking the back situation , but it really does hurt . Of course once it 's better I have to go back to the creative approach for slacking . I 've said it before - lazy is hard work . You 've always got someone wanting you to do something . So you have to put a lot of creative thought into the best ways to slack . I 'll always go back to my rule number one though . A little bit of preparation and work at the beginning will usually produce a multitude of slack time later . posted by Family Man | 3 : 01 AM Today I 've got to take FMom to see the doctor . The hard part will be getting her ready , getting her there and back . I think this appointment will be interesting because Fmom is getting very tired of hurting all the time and if the doctor gives her any wrong answers , I 'm afraid she 'll let loose . Anyway I 'm just going to sit back and keep my mouth shut . Well I might throw in a " What she said ! " every now and then . : ) I haven 't taken many pictures lately , but here 's a couple I took yesterday . George in BackyardClick to enlargeCat on PatioThought I 'd throw in a picture of the Summer Cabin . Added : FMom and I just got back from the doctor . He answered all the questions right and FMom didn 't let loose . He and his assistant were very congenial and the doctor and I talked three time longer about the history of this area than his exam of FMom . The town / city we went to was first settled by the French . It has a lot of history there and some really fine antebellum homes . So at the moment FMom 's shoulder is killing her and my back is killing me . I told her together we might make one whole person . Today is Andi 's birthday and being the birthday princess , I knew she would like to dress the part . So Andi here 's your birthday hat . And knowing you love dresses with bows . Here 's your birthday dress . Got to have the shoes too . And here 's part of a cake . It 's only part because there are many years to come and I hope you have many many more pink frilly birthdays . Happy Happy Birthday Andi ! ! ! ! Fmom was born an only child . Her mother died shortly after Fmom was born and she never knew her . Her Father , my Grandfather had to travel and was gone most of the time because of his work , so Fmom was raise by her Aunts and Uncles . The one that really raised her and she looked at more as a mother was Great Aunt N ( GAN ) . GAN was an old maid schoolteacher that didn 't take any flack from anyone . When we were kids and came home to visit , we would always stop in the little town where GAN and the other aunts and uncles lived and then on to my other grandparents house to stay . Whenever we stopped at GAN 's house it would almost take a day , because we would have to go to each aunt and uncles house to visit . As a little kid this was always great because each aunt and uncle would want to spoil us in the little time they had . At GAN 's house lived Uncle J . Uncle J had been in World War I and had been gassed . I never knew the whole story , but Uncle J had lived with GAN ever since I could remember . Uncle J was one of the chief spoilers when we came home . Not that he had candy or things to give us , but he spoiled us with his time . He was always there when we wanted to do something . From walking down to the railroad that ran behind GAN 's house , to going to the pond , to just sitting on the front porch and talking with us as if we were adults . He was never condescending and you could always feel warmth and caring from him . GAN however , was different . We knew she loved us , but she didn 't put up with any bratty behavior and after one time of acting like a brat in her house , you never did it again . As I said , she was an old maid schoolteacher and knew how to handle brats . This story is about GAN and how I wished I had done more . We don 't have snow or ice down here often , but long after GAN retired and Uncle J was gone , GAN was visiting a friend one day . As she was leaving , she slipped on a patch of ice and fell and broke her hip . This was bad enough , but shortly thereafter she had a stroke . She was in the hospital for a lon | links to this post Things appear to be pretty much the same around here . So I 'm not going to dwell on my back or Fmom 's shoulder . So since I don 't have much to say today , I 'll just post some pond pictures . Fog on the PondClick to enlargeRain on the PondI hope everybody 's day and weekend goes good . BTW , IVG I hope your upcoming trip will be a good one and not too stressful . Remember to slack when possible . As I did with the UN 10 Underreported Stories , I 'm also adding a link and this diary for the newest community project at Booman 's Tribune . This community project is a Tribute to Labor , obviously to coincide with Labor Day . Since I think these are great and meaningful diaries , I 'm posting this diary along with a link on the side bar so they won 't get scrolled off and forgotten to soon . I said it before , but I 'm very proud of the people who worked together to bring this project from an idea into reality , and I think Kahli did a great job of organizing and implementing this project . Working Together : Part 1 - The Circle of Law ( Kahli ) Working Together Part II : Solidarity Through The Arts ( Man Eegee ) Working Together Part III : Joe Hill , A Myth of a Man ( shirlstars ) Working Together - Part IV : Teachers ( Teacher Toni ) Working Together Part V , Haymarket and the 8 Hour Day ( supersoling ) Working Together Part VI : Sweatshops , garment workers and the Triangle Shirtwaist Company ( librarylil ) Working Together Part VII : Mother Jones ( a Sunday Griot special ) - ( Omir the storyteller ) Working Together VIII : Cesar Chavez - Working Class Hero ( Alice ) Things are getting better , little by little . Fmom is feeling a little bit better , but still in pain . Thank goodness she has something for that . My back might be a little bit better . I 've got an appointment with a back specialist in Oct . and I 'm hoping my back will be well enough so I can cancel that . We have relatives coming in today , and this time I 'm looking forward it . I 'm hoping they 'll help out with Fmom and maybe my back can get a rest . Of course I never know and I might be running around cleaning up after them . But as long as they help with Fmom I 'll be happy . One good thing , the guy came over to do the lawn . It looks good right now , and I 'm hoping it will stay that way for a little while . It 's starting to feel a little like fall around here . I can tell it mostly during the morning , but it only got up to 84 F yesterday . It actually felt cool outside . I will be most happy when winter gets here . The lawn will be one less thing to worry about . I 've always wondered if people moved up toward the Arctic Circle just to get out of doing the lawn . The more I think of it , I could probably acquire a taste for blubber . Hope everybody has a good weekend . Today will be a new experience for me . We have a cleaning lady coming over to help out . My sister insisted we get someone because with my back right now , I 'm unable to get a lot of stuff done . I started to ask her while she was insisting if she would be paying this lady , but I already knew the answer to that . This reminded me of my last landlady ( LL ) . When I had moved from the trailer park I had talked about earlier , I had found this house in a very small town . It was perfect for me , George and Henry ( George 's brother ) . When I first saw the house it was having a little renovation being done on the bathroom . While it was being done and before I moved in , my LL was asking me what kind of sink and cabinets , and what kind of tile on the floor I wanted . She was willing to change anything I wanted , which was a pleasant surprise after the trailer . Anyway my LL and I became friends and she would drop by from time to time . She would tell me how I was the best renter she had ever had and how impressed she was on how clean I kept the house and yard . Now my LL and her husband were in their mid 70 's and they weren 't getting around too well . She asked me one time if I could come by her house and help her clean a few things . I said sure and showed up on the appointed day . They had a modern ranch style house , and she had the house filled with antiques . She told me when I arrived that she has seen how I cleaned my house , so would I do the same for her . So I spent the day vacuuming , waxing / dusting furniture , mopping / waxing tile floors , cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom and scouring all the bathrooms . I think the thing she liked about my cleaning is I would move furniture to vacuum under it , I would clean the entire kitchen to include almost taking down the stove to get to everywhere in and on it . I guess you could say I did what is now called deep cleaning . I finally moved back home to take care of Fmom and for a time after I got here , I would drive the three hours round trip to clean my LL 's house about every two weeposted by Family Man | 7 : 25 AM With everything going on yesterday I squeezed in going and getting George and Cat from the vets . I told them to let me get cat first because she would have to be in the carry case and then I would get George . I could hear Cat start to meow as she always does when put in the cage , but I could also hear George whining very loudly when he heard Cat being taken away . The vet assistant told me George was standing on his hind legs and moving his front paws up and down and she thought that was cute . I told her he has done that since he was a puppy and when he really wants something he always does that . I figured he felt he would be all alone in the kennel without Cat and he was starting to worry when she was taken out . He was whining the entire time until the vet assistant came through the door with him and he saw me . Since the assistant was hold George in her arms , we averted a peeing on the floor situation , but as soon as we got outside he let it go . Later that day the vet 's office called and said they had forgotten to clip his dewclaws and could I drop him back by that afternoon . Well George isn 't stupid , but sometimes he gets really excited and forgets things . I go out into the carport and open the door to the car and George jumps in . I close the door and George is standing on his hind legs and looking out the window . I swear he had a look on his face that says , " Oh sh * * , I screwed up ! " I go around the get in the car and George is trying his best to get out . I 've never heard George howl , but that 's the closest he 's ever come to it . He put up a deafening whine all the way to the vets and he was shaking and trembling something awful . I get him to the vets and they 're done in about 2 minutes and George is still trembling all the way home . He comes in the house and goes straight to my room and plants himself in his usual sleeping spot . Except for when he is about to bust I can 't get him up to go outside . Needless to say , I know he won 't want to go for a ride for a long time . Added : I forgot to add that posted by Family Man | 6 : 30 AM Fmom is still asleep and I only had to get up twice last night . The medicine she is taking for pain really make her a little bit out there and that worries me , but I 'd rather have her a little cuckoo than in pain . Today we go to the family doctor . She was saying yesterday that she didn 't feel like going and for me to take the x - rays over and show him . I told her he would want to see her and she had to go . She told me , " If I feel like it . " I hate to say this , but I 'm really not worried because she 's almost out of her pain medicine and once the effects of the medicine wear off and the intense pain returns she 'll want to go . I know it will be an ordeal for her , but she 's more worried about her appearance than anything else . She won 't leave the house unless she looks just right . I told her it doesn 't make any difference on how she looks or anything else . The important thing was for her to get to the doctor 's office and to get this stuff started . As for me , I 'm feeling like I 've been run ragged and it 's taking a toll on my back . We did decided to call someone to come and do the lawn and my sister called someone else to come and clean the house on Wednesday . It looks like it will be some interesting days ahead . Life is peaks and valleys . It 's the middle ground that 's hard to stay on . We made it home yesterday afternoon . I only got lost once in Memphis where the road construction threw me off and we were headed toward Jackson , MS instead of Tupelo , MS . Luckily I noticed right away and asked for directions . We had to cut across a highway that had no red lights , and I think it saved us some time because , we missed all the usual red lights we would have encountered coming out of Memphis . I used to be so much better about not getting lost . I think old age is catching up with me . Fmom did all right on the trip . The hardest part was getting her out of the motel to the car . She had taken one of her pain pills before we left and the relatives and I got her down the three floors and into the car . Once we started riding , the roads were pretty rough and as soon as I could I had to give Fmom another does of her pain medicine . She had been taking one , but the instructions say she can take two and since she was hurting so much she took two . When she wasn 't dozing she was as funny as could be from the effects of the medicine . We had one trucker in Memphis who cut us off and I had to hit the brakes . Fmom was muttering what a stupid ass the guy was and how going by she was going to give him the bird . This is from a woman who is prim and proper and allows no profanity in her house . I had to talk her out of that , but it was kind of hard since I was laughing so much . Then during the trip , the brothers and sister would be calling and when they would ask how she felt , she would say , " All right except I 'm drunk as a skunk . " Luckily though , Fmom dozed pretty much of the trip . We get home and I get her into the house and settled in . Now I 'll just have to start getting her ready today for the trip to the doctor tomorrow . I think the pain medicine had made her forget how bad the fracture is and she said she might wait on seeing the doctor Monday morning . I put my foot down and explained about contractures and how her arm would freeze in place if we didn 't get her right away to the doctor and start treatment anposted by Family Man | 6 : 39 AM Well Fmom slept throughout the night . I got the motel to bring up a recliner yesterday because she couldn 't get comfortable in the bed . So she slept in the recliner last night . She hasn 't lost her sense of humor or either the pain medicine is really getting to her . I was telling her about yesterday morning when she fell . We had tried to get her up and put a chair in front of her to help her walk herself up . We had gotten her to her knees and she was bent over resting her left arm on a chair , and she could go any farther . Since the door was open and relatives were running back and forth , people were walking by in the hall way and either staring or stopping to look and see what was going on . I told Fmom she had put on a good show with her big old back end sticking out into the hallway . Usually she would have gotten mad and started fussing , but this time she started laughing so hard it hurt her shoulder . I think the biggest thing for Fmom yesterday was that she was so embarrassed . She was embarrassed she fell , she was embarrassed we had to call the ambulance and she was embarrassed because she thought she was being trouble for everyone . The thing that got me about Fmom is yesterday when we were leaving the hospital , we were getting calls over the cell phone and she was trying to comfort my brothers and sister telling them she was fine and everything was all right and not to worry . She was more worried about how her children were feeling than how she was feeling . The doctor told me yesterday that I had to wake up Fmom every three hours during the night since she had hit her head . I guess he wanted to make sure there was no neurological damage . I made it every five hours . It 's 5 : 30 am and I 've had her up for about an hour now , so I don 't think she is going back to sleep . The only thing about waking her up is I know she 's hurting , so once we get home , I 'm going to let her sleep as long as she can . After I woke her up this morning , I let her get awake a little and gave her something for pain . We 'll see how | links to this post The day didn 't turn out exactly as I thought it would . We came to Little Rock because a relative was going into the hospital to have test done . Fmom and I wake up and eat , I get ready and while Fmom is getting ready , she falls coming out of the bathroom . I jump up and run over to her and she 's flat on her face . I 'm asking her if she 's hurt , is she OK , what can I do ? She tried to get up but she can 't use her right arm or shoulder . I get under her left arm and get her into a sitting position . She tries to move and she has extreme pain in her right shoulder . She tells me she thinks she broke her arm . I tell her I 'm calling an ambulance and she 's adamantly saying no . So I try to help get her up and she can 't . She finally agrees to let me call , but first she wants me to go down to by relative 's room and let them know . She doesn 't want them to come out into the hallway and see a stretcher at our room . I run down and let them know and run back to the room . I call the front desk and they call the ambulance . The ambulance gets here , the relatives are bouncing off the walls and I 'm trying to tell the EMT guys what happened and give them the information they want . Fmom is in a lot of pain and it takes them awhile to get her on the stretcher . Her face had hit the carpet and her nose and forehead are bleeding , but the EMT guys get that under control . They get her to the ambulance and one of my relatives ' rides with her while I follow in the car . I tell my relative at the motel not to call any of the family until I know what is going on . That was like speaking to a brick wall . Before I got to the hospital the cell phone was ringing . I get into the ER and my relative is already there and she 's trying to fill out papers . I get the papers and I have all of Fmom 's info and do that . I go back to the ER where Fmom is and sit with her until the doctor comes in . He checks her out and says they 'll get X - rays and he will get her something for pain . They take Fmom to X - ray I have to run back to the car because | links to this post It was a long day yesterday . From the packing and cleaning the house , to the getting George and Cat to the vet , and finally the drive . It took us about seven hours and we should have been here by just under six . I took a wrong turn in Tupelo , MS and ended up in Corinth , MS before realizing I was going the wrong way . The blue arrow on the map shows the way I was supposed to go and the red arrows shows how I did go . Fmom was giving me a hard time for awhile , but the scenery was really nice , so I kept telling her to thank me for showing her such beauty . We stopped one time on the way to Little Rock . We pulled into a combo service station / diner . We just had to use the facilities , but the place was packed with people in for lunch . I get Fmom out of the car and to the entrance of the women 's bathroom , and then I go into the men 's bathroom . I lock the door and turn around and see a hand written sign that says , Stop peeing in the trash can . If you can 't find the toilet , then go outside . I did miss the trashcan and came back outside to wait on Fmom . At first I was a little hungry and was going to get something to eat , but after the sign , I decided to bypass the food in that place . We finally get to Memphis and the traffic is pretty heavy . Remember for me at home , six cars at the red light is heavy traffic . But Memphis is really heavy . I have to admit , compared to some cities I 've driven in ; the drivers there were fairly nice . On any trip Fmom is always the voice of doom . If we come upon a tanker truck carrying chemicals , Fmom will want me to speed around because it might be a terrorist . I keep telling her , " You know I bet if there is a terrorist driving it , he 's been waiting for some old Southern woman to drive by . " She always says , " Just shut and drive faster . " Well this time she 's telling me to drive fast across the Mississippi River Bridge going into Arkansas . She 's telling me she doesn 't want to be on it incase the New Madrid earthquake fault starts to act up . For those that don 't know , the Ne | links to this post Yesterday morning one of the things I had to do was drop FMom off at the beauty shop to have her hair done . Since I walked her in , I asked the girl there if she had time to do a haircut ( sorry Olivia ) . She said yes , so I sat with FMom and waited . The reason I 'm writing about this is because I saw the cutest thing and it bought back some memories . There was a little boy about 4 years old getting his hair cut . I could see that if this wasn 't his first , it was near it . His grandfather had bought him in and was sitting near giving him encouragement and telling him how good he was doing . It reminded me of how much the town had changed since I was a kid . Back then we had one Barber Shop . Always all the men in town would go there for their haircuts . Be it the Banker , Farmer or college student , you would meet them sooner or later at the Barber Shop . I can remember when I was older seeing young fathers bringing their sons in for their first hair cut . Some little boys would be stoic and sit as quietly as possible and some would cry during the whole thing . The barber was an old hand at this , and would always somehow even give the most squirming of boys ' produce a good hair cut . What I remember was the range of emotions each parent would go through . I can remember seeing new parents and grandparents almost coming to tears seeing how distraught their child was from getting a hair cut . I can also remember how proud and beaming some were when their child would sit there and be brave . Mostly I can remember the barber and how he treated each child . From the ones moving constantly to the ones about to cry , he knew how to treat each child to where at the end of the haircut they would be smiling . Plus a lollipop at the end helped . I realized later that obviously it made his job easier to not have the child fearing coming back , but I think more it was just the man 's personality . I also realized that this was a life 's moment that child and adult would never forget . Our Barber had left years ago and now there are a couple of beaposted by Family Man | 5 : 51 AM Fmom and I will be taking a trip . It 's not very far , about a six hour drive , and we 'll only be gone a couple of days . Fmom wants to go and see about how a relative is doing . Our car is in good shape , but now of days I have to prepare for these things . I don 't know if you 've ever broken down on the interstate , but I did once and it is not a good feeling . Back in the late 80 's I had just come back from Europe . Over there I had my own car and it was being shipped back . I got the notification to pick it up in New Orleans ( N . O . ) . So I fly into N . O . , get to the port , go through all the paper work , check my car out and start heading out to Mobile to pick up my family . Out of N . O . my car starts sputtering and I 'm thinking I better pull into the next service station . I didn 't get a chance to do that because smoke starts pouring out from under my hood . I pull over to the side and pop the hood and smoke is boiling out . I 'm not a mechanic and know nothing about such things , so I start walking . I was lucky because someone picked me up and took me across the Eastern Bridge on Lake Pontchartrain into Slidell . He gave me the name of a mechanic and dropped me off at a bar where I could call him . I called the guy and he said he would be right there . Two and a half - hours later the guy shows up . I told him what happened and he said OK let 's go look at it . Now I had come with enough money to get to my family and get them back to our new home . Once we were half way across the bridge getting to my car , the guy told me , " If I have to go across the bridge I charge a minimum of $ 100 . " I told him to stop right there and let me out because I couldn 't afford to pay that much just for a ride back across the bride . He told me not to worry and he 'd take a look at it . We finally get to the car and he looks at it . His first words are " It 's pretty well broke . " At this point in time I know I 'm dealing with a genius . He tells me even for the short time it had been broken down on the interstate ; I was lucky no one hadposted by Family Man | 7 : 33 AM While I was in the military and after I divorced , I couldn 't afford a very decent place to live . At the new place I was sent , I found an old trailer in the trailer park from hell . To say it was an upscale place would be a lie . This was a place where you got what you paid for and the rent was low . The owners did as little as possible for any repairs on anything . I had looked at the place and it was a wreck , but they said they would have a cleaning lady come in and tidy it up . When they called to say it was ready and I first walked in , I could tell no difference from the last time I saw it . It took me a week of cleaning before I would move any of my stuff in . Here 's a few of the exploits that happened . The first month there I had met my next door neighbors . Since I had a telephone , they would be over to use it from time to time . Their mother who was about 20 years older than I was would come over and talk from time to time . One morning I get up to go to work and I find a napkin under my window shield wiper and on it was written I really like you and signed by the mother . It was also doused in perfume . I was dumbstruck and the only thing I could say was " Oh my God ! " I was saying that over and over as I walked into my office carrying the napkin . I showed my boss and co - worker and they were rolling in the floor laughing . The whole day at work I kept thinking I don 't need this . That afternoon when I got home the mother came over and said she and her daughter - in - law got drunk the night before and put it on there as a joke . Later on in the conservation she told me how hard it was to live with her children and that if I wanted someone to live with me , she was available . I told her politely and firmly that I had just gotten out of a relationship and wasn 't ready for a new one . During this time inside my mind I 'm screaming , " Oh my God ! " One bad thing about these trailers was that they were placed so close to each other . For some reason when people got up in the middle of the night in the next trailers you couposted by Family Man | 11 : 04 AM Well my relatives did it again . First I had my sister brings me back a can of salmon from Alaska . This time I had a s - i - l bring me this . It 's a lip balm and says it contains no chicken poop . I do love the last sentence on the label though . Warning : The safety of this product has not been determined . Actually from everything I 've read about it , it 's supposed to be pretty good stuff . It 's sold in a lot of states now , and you would know that in the one place in the state where my relatives live , they sell it there . I can 't wait until Christmas . It 's no telling what I 'll receive then . Well the relatives are back and they bought my great nephew to boot . I 'm in a shut down mode now , because my back is still giving me problems . I guess I 'll see my doctor again next week and see what can be done about it . I 've pulled my back before , but I don 't think it has ever been this bad . I don 't think I 've had full nights sleep since I 've pulled it , because anytime I turn it wakes me up . I think getting up out of bed is the worst . First I have to get to a sitting position , which is painful to say the least . Second is trying to stand up where I push myself up with a chair by the bed . Once I 'm sitting with my back straight it 's no problem . I can even get out of the chair with no problem as long as I keep my back straight . I 'm just hoping it 's nothing more than a pulled muscle . Plus I 'm missing my naps something terrible . I went into the kitchen to get some milk to take my Naproxen and it 's a mess . I 'm going to wait out the relatives and see if they take pity on me . If not , then I have to see what I do . I hope everyone has a great weekend planned and be careful .

This weekend we have family coming home . It 's homecoming Sunday at the family church . I haven 't been to one in years , but it 's the old - fashioned type church homecoming . Everybody will get there early to catch up and talk for awhile , and then preaching during the morning . Everyone brings food so at lunchtime , there 's a long break and everyone goes outside and eats under the trees and more catching up . When lunch is done and cleaned up , they all go back inside and listen to more preaching . As I said , I haven 't been to one in years and each year Fmom tries to guilt trip me into going , but I always refuse . I call it the family church because my grandparents helped get the most recent incarnation built , plus my aunts , sisters , nieces and nephews have been married there . Anyway half the family will be here this weekend for the homecoming . So Fmom is using her Fmom code language to let me know to straighten up the house . But I have my secret weapon for the furtherance of the slackerly lifestyle . Whenever I pick something up by Fmom I just let out a groan and set my face is the most horrible of grimaces . She 'll immediately ask me what 's wrong and I 'll innocently say , " Oh nothing , just the back . " She 'll tell me to stop the cleaning right now and go lay down , and I 'll valiantly refuse saying we have family coming home . Another groan , another grimace and then I 'll finally let myself be convinced by her to take a break . OK I admit I 'm milking the back situation , but it really does hurt . Of course once it 's better I have to go back to the creative approach for slacking . I 've said it before - lazy is hard work . You 've always got someone wanting you to do something . So you have to put a lot of creative thought into the best ways to slack . I 'll always go back to my rule number one though . A little bit of preparation and work at the beginning will usually produce a multitude of slack time later . posted by Family Man | 3 : 01 AM Today I 've got to take FMom to see the doctor . The hard part will be getting her ready , getting her there and back . I think this appointment will be interesting because Fmom is getting very tired of hurting all the time and if the doctor gives her any wrong answers , I 'm afraid she 'll let loose . Anyway I 'm just going to sit back and keep my mouth shut . Well I might throw in a " What she said ! " every now and then . : ) I haven 't taken many pictures lately , but here 's a couple I took yesterday . George in BackyardClick to enlargeCat on PatioThought I 'd throw in a picture of the Summer Cabin . Added : FMom and I just got back from the doctor . He answered all the questions right and FMom didn 't let loose . He and his assistant were very congenial and the doctor and I talked three time longer about the history of this area than his exam of FMom . The town / city we went to was first settled by the French . It has a lot of history there and some really fine antebellum homes . So at the moment FMom 's shoulder is killing her and my back is killing me . I told her together we might make one whole person . Today is Andi 's birthday and being the birthday princess , I knew she would like to dress the part . So Andi here 's your birthday hat . And knowing you love dresses with bows . Here 's your birthday dress . Got to have the shoes too . And here 's part of a cake . It 's only part because there are many years to come and I hope you have many many more pink frilly birthdays . Happy Happy Birthday Andi ! ! ! ! Fmom was born an only child . Her mother died shortly after Fmom was born and she never knew her . Her Father , my Grandfather had to travel and was gone most of the time because of his work , so Fmom was raise by her Aunts and Uncles . The one that really raised her and she looked at more as a mother was Great Aunt N ( GAN ) . GAN was an old maid schoolteacher that didn 't take any flack from anyone . When we were kids and came home to visit , we would always stop in the little town where GAN and the other aunts and uncles lived and then on to my other grandparents house to stay . Whenever we stopped at GAN 's house it would almost take a day , because we would have to go to each aunt and uncles house to visit . As a little kid this was always great because each aunt and uncle would want to spoil us in the little time they had . At GAN 's house lived Uncle J . Uncle J had been in World War I and had been gassed . I never knew the whole story , but Uncle J had lived with GAN ever since I could remember . Uncle J was one of the chief spoilers when we came home . Not that he had candy or things to give us , but he spoiled us with his time . He was always there when we wanted to do something . From walking down to the railroad that ran behind GAN 's house , to going to the pond , to just sitting on the front porch and talking with us as if we were adults . He was never condescending and you could always feel warmth and caring from him . GAN however , was different . We knew she loved us , but she didn 't put up with any bratty behavior and after one time of acting like a brat in her house , you never did it again . As I said , she was an old maid schoolteacher and knew how to handle brats . This story is about GAN and how I wished I had done more . We don 't have snow or ice down here often , but long after GAN retired and Uncle J was gone , GAN was visiting a friend one day . As she was leaving , she slipped on a patch of ice and fell and broke her hip . This was bad enough , but shortly thereafter she had a stroke . She was in the hospital for a lon | links to this post Things appear to be pretty much the same around here . So I 'm not going to dwell on my back or Fmom 's shoulder . So since I don 't have much to say today , I 'll just post some pond pictures . Fog on the PondClick to enlargeRain on the PondI hope everybody 's day and weekend goes good . BTW , IVG I hope your upcoming trip will be a good one and not too stressful . Remember to slack when possible . As I did with the UN 10 Underreported Stories , I 'm also adding a link and this diary for the newest community project at Booman 's Tribune . This community project is a Tribute to Labor , obviously to coincide with Labor Day . Since I think these are great and meaningful diaries , I 'm posting this diary along with a link on the side bar so they won 't get scrolled off and forgotten to soon . I said it before , but I 'm very proud of the people who worked together to bring this project from an idea into reality , and I think Kahli did a great job of organizing and implementing this project . Working Together : Part 1 - The Circle of Law ( Kahli ) Working Together Part II : Solidarity Through The Arts ( Man Eegee ) Working Together Part III : Joe Hill , A Myth of a Man ( shirlstars ) Working Together - Part IV : Teachers ( Teacher Toni ) Working Together Part V , Haymarket and the 8 Hour Day ( supersoling ) Working Together Part VI : Sweatshops , garment workers and the Triangle Shirtwaist Company ( librarylil ) Working Together Part VII : Mother Jones ( a Sunday Griot special ) - ( Omir the storyteller ) Working Together VIII : Cesar Chavez - Working Class Hero ( Alice ) Things are getting better , little by little . Fmom is feeling a little bit better , but still in pain . Thank goodness she has something for that . My back might be a little bit better . I 've got an appointment with a back specialist in Oct . and I 'm hoping my back will be well enough so I can cancel that . We have relatives coming in today , and this time I 'm looking forward it . I 'm hoping they 'll help out with Fmom and maybe my back can get a rest . Of course I never know and I might be running around cleaning up after them . But as long as they help with Fmom I 'll be happy . One good thing , the guy came over to do the lawn . It looks good right now , and I 'm hoping it will stay that way for a little while . It 's starting to feel a little like fall around here . I can tell it mostly during the morning , but it only got up to 84 F yesterday . It actually felt cool outside . I will be most happy when winter gets here . The lawn will be one less thing to worry about . I 've always wondered if people moved up toward the Arctic Circle just to get out of doing the lawn . The more I think of it , I could probably acquire a taste for blubber . Hope everybody has a good weekend . Today will be a new experience for me . We have a cleaning lady coming over to help out . My sister insisted we get someone because with my back right now , I 'm unable to get a lot of stuff done . I started to ask her while she was insisting if she would be paying this lady , but I already knew the answer to that . This reminded me of my last landlady ( LL ) . When I had moved from the trailer park I had talked about earlier , I had found this house in a very small town . It was perfect for me , George and Henry ( George 's brother ) . When I first saw the house it was having a little renovation being done on the bathroom . While it was being done and before I moved in , my LL was asking me what kind of sink and cabinets , and what kind of tile on the floor I wanted . She was willing to change anything I wanted , which was a pleasant surprise after the trailer . Anyway my LL and I became friends and she would drop by from time to time . She would tell me how I was the best renter she had ever had and how impressed she was on how clean I kept the house and yard . Now my LL and her husband were in their mid 70 's and they weren 't getting around too well . She asked me one time if I could come by her house and help her clean a few things . I said sure and showed up on the appointed day . They had a modern ranch style house , and she had the house filled with antiques . She told me when I arrived that she has seen how I cleaned my house , so would I do the same for her . So I spent the day vacuuming , waxing / dusting furniture , mopping / waxing tile floors , cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom and scouring all the bathrooms . I think the thing she liked about my cleaning is I would move furniture to vacuum under it , I would clean the entire kitchen to include almost taking down the stove to get to everywhere in and on it . I guess you could say I did what is now called deep cleaning . I finally moved back home to take care of Fmom and for a time after I got here , I would drive the three hours round trip to clean my LL 's house about every two weeposted by Family Man | 7 : 25 AM With everything going on yesterday I squeezed in going and getting George and Cat from the vets . I told them to let me get cat first because she would have to be in the carry case and then I would get George . I could hear Cat start to meow as she always does when put in the cage , but I could also hear George whining very loudly when he heard Cat being taken away . The vet assistant told me George was standing on his hind legs and moving his front paws up and down and she thought that was cute . I told her he has done that since he was a puppy and when he really wants something he always does that . I figured he felt he would be all alone in the kennel without Cat and he was starting to worry when she was taken out . He was whining the entire time until the vet assistant came through the door with him and he saw me . Since the assistant was hold George in her arms , we averted a peeing on the floor situation , but as soon as we got outside he let it go . Later that day the vet 's office called and said they had forgotten to clip his dewclaws and could I drop him back by that afternoon . Well George isn 't stupid , but sometimes he gets really excited and forgets things . I go out into the carport and open the door to the car and George jumps in . I close the door and George is standing on his hind legs and looking out the window . I swear he had a look on his face that says , " Oh sh * * , I screwed up ! " I go around the get in the car and George is trying his best to get out . I 've never heard George howl , but that 's the closest he 's ever come to it . He put up a deafening whine all the way to the vets and he was shaking and trembling something awful . I get him to the vets and they 're done in about 2 minutes and George is still trembling all the way home . He comes in the house and goes straight to my room and plants himself in his usual sleeping spot . Except for when he is about to bust I can 't get him up to go outside . Needless to say , I know he won 't want to go for a ride for a long time . Added : I forgot to add that posted by Family Man | 6 : 30 AM Fmom is still asleep and I only had to get up twice last night . The medicine she is taking for pain really make her a little bit out there and that worries me , but I 'd rather have her a little cuckoo than in pain . Today we go to the family doctor . She was saying yesterday that she didn 't feel like going and for me to take the x - rays over and show him . I told her he would want to see her and she had to go . She told me , " If I feel like it . " I hate to say this , but I 'm really not worried because she 's almost out of her pain medicine and once the effects of the medicine wear off and the intense pain returns she 'll want to go . I know it will be an ordeal for her , but she 's more worried about her appearance than anything else . She won 't leave the house unless she looks just right . I told her it doesn 't make any difference on how she looks or anything else . The important thing was for her to get to the doctor 's office and to get this stuff started . As for me , I 'm feeling like I 've been run ragged and it 's taking a toll on my back . We did decided to call someone to come and do the lawn and my sister called someone else to come and clean the house on Wednesday . It looks like it will be some interesting days ahead . Life is peaks and valleys . It 's the middle ground that 's hard to stay on . We made it home yesterday afternoon . I only got lost once in Memphis where the road construction threw me off and we were headed toward Jackson , MS instead of Tupelo , MS . Luckily I noticed right away and asked for directions . We had to cut across a highway that had no red lights , and I think it saved us some time because , we missed all the usual red lights we would have encountered coming out of Memphis . I used to be so much better about not getting lost . I think old age is catching up with me . Fmom did all right on the trip . The hardest part was getting her out of the motel to the car . She had taken one of her pain pills before we left and the relatives and I got her down the three floors and into the car . Once we started riding , the roads were pretty rough and as soon as I could I had to give Fmom another does of her pain medicine . She had been taking one , but the instructions say she can take two and since she was hurting so much she took two . When she wasn 't dozing she was as funny as could be from the effects of the medicine . We had one trucker in Memphis who cut us off and I had to hit the brakes . Fmom was muttering what a stupid ass the guy was and how going by she was going to give him the bird . This is from a woman who is prim and proper and allows no profanity in her house . I had to talk her out of that , but it was kind of hard since I was laughing so much . Then during the trip , the brothers and sister would be calling and when they would ask how she felt , she would say , " All right except I 'm drunk as a skunk . " Luckily though , Fmom dozed pretty much of the trip . We get home and I get her into the house and settled in . Now I 'll just have to start getting her ready today for the trip to the doctor tomorrow . I think the pain medicine had made her forget how bad the fracture is and she said she might wait on seeing the doctor Monday morning . I put my foot down and explained about contractures and how her arm would freeze in place if we didn 't get her right away to the doctor and start treatment anposted by Family Man | 6 : 39 AM Well Fmom slept throughout the night . I got the motel to bring up a recliner yesterday because she couldn 't get comfortable in the bed . So she slept in the recliner last night . She hasn 't lost her sense of humor or either the pain medicine is really getting to her . I was telling her about yesterday morning when she fell . We had tried to get her up and put a chair in front of her to help her walk herself up . We had gotten her to her knees and she was bent over resting her left arm on a chair , and she could go any farther . Since the door was open and relatives were running back and forth , people were walking by in the hall way and either staring or stopping to look and see what was going on . I told Fmom she had put on a good show with her big old back end sticking out into the hallway . Usually she would have gotten mad and started fussing , but this time she started laughing so hard it hurt her shoulder . I think the biggest thing for Fmom yesterday was that she was so embarrassed . She was embarrassed she fell , she was embarrassed we had to call the ambulance and she was embarrassed because she thought she was being trouble for everyone . The thing that got me about Fmom is yesterday when we were leaving the hospital , we were getting calls over the cell phone and she was trying to comfort my brothers and sister telling them she was fine and everything was all right and not to worry . She was more worried about how her children were feeling than how she was feeling . The doctor told me yesterday that I had to wake up Fmom every three hours during the night since she had hit her head . I guess he wanted to make sure there was no neurological damage . I made it every five hours . It 's 5 : 30 am and I 've had her up for about an hour now , so I don 't think she is going back to sleep . The only thing about waking her up is I know she 's hurting , so once we get home , I 'm going to let her sleep as long as she can . After I woke her up this morning , I let her get awake a little and gave her something for pain . We 'll see how | links to this post The day didn 't turn out exactly as I thought it would . We came to Little Rock because a relative was going into the hospital to have test done . Fmom and I wake up and eat , I get ready and while Fmom is getting ready , she falls coming out of the bathroom . I jump up and run over to her and she 's flat on her face . I 'm asking her if she 's hurt , is she OK , what can I do ? She tried to get up but she can 't use her right arm or shoulder . I get under her left arm and get her into a sitting position . She tries to move and she has extreme pain in her right shoulder . She tells me she thinks she broke her arm . I tell her I 'm calling an ambulance and she 's adamantly saying no . So I try to help get her up and she can 't . She finally agrees to let me call , but first she wants me to go down to by relative 's room and let them know . She doesn 't want them to come out into the hallway and see a stretcher at our room . I run down and let them know and run back to the room . I call the front desk and they call the ambulance . The ambulance gets here , the relatives are bouncing off the walls and I 'm trying to tell the EMT guys what happened and give them the information they want . Fmom is in a lot of pain and it takes them awhile to get her on the stretcher . Her face had hit the carpet and her nose and forehead are bleeding , but the EMT guys get that under control . They get her to the ambulance and one of my relatives ' rides with her while I follow in the car . I tell my relative at the motel not to call any of the family until I know what is going on . That was like speaking to a brick wall . Before I got to the hospital the cell phone was ringing . I get into the ER and my relative is already there and she 's trying to fill out papers . I get the papers and I have all of Fmom 's info and do that . I go back to the ER where Fmom is and sit with her until the doctor comes in . He checks her out and says they 'll get X - rays and he will get her something for pain . They take Fmom to X - ray I have to run back to the car because | links to this post It was a long day yesterday . From the packing and cleaning the house , to the getting George and Cat to the vet , and finally the drive . It took us about seven hours and we should have been here by just under six . I took a wrong turn in Tupelo , MS and ended up in Corinth , MS before realizing I was going the wrong way . The blue arrow on the map shows the way I was supposed to go and the red arrows shows how I did go . Fmom was giving me a hard time for awhile , but the scenery was really nice , so I kept telling her to thank me for showing her such beauty . We stopped one time on the way to Little Rock . We pulled into a combo service station / diner . We just had to use the facilities , but the place was packed with people in for lunch . I get Fmom out of the car and to the entrance of the women 's bathroom , and then I go into the men 's bathroom . I lock the door and turn around and see a hand written sign that says , Stop peeing in the trash can . If you can 't find the toilet , then go outside . I did miss the trashcan and came back outside to wait on Fmom . At first I was a little hungry and was going to get something to eat , but after the sign , I decided to bypass the food in that place . We finally get to Memphis and the traffic is pretty heavy . Remember for me at home , six cars at the red light is heavy traffic . But Memphis is really heavy . I have to admit , compared to some cities I 've driven in ; the drivers there were fairly nice . On any trip Fmom is always the voice of doom . If we come upon a tanker truck carrying chemicals , Fmom will want me to speed around because it might be a terrorist . I keep telling her , " You know I bet if there is a terrorist driving it , he 's been waiting for some old Southern woman to drive by . " She always says , " Just shut and drive faster . " Well this time she 's telling me to drive fast across the Mississippi River Bridge going into Arkansas . She 's telling me she doesn 't want to be on it incase the New Madrid earthquake fault starts to act up . For those that don 't know , the Ne | links to this post Yesterday morning one of the things I had to do was drop FMom off at the beauty shop to have her hair done . Since I walked her in , I asked the girl there if she had time to do a haircut ( sorry Olivia ) . She said yes , so I sat with FMom and waited . The reason I 'm writing about this is because I saw the cutest thing and it bought back some memories . There was a little boy about 4 years old getting his hair cut . I could see that if this wasn 't his first , it was near it . His grandfather had bought him in and was sitting near giving him encouragement and telling him how good he was doing . It reminded me of how much the town had changed since I was a kid . Back then we had one Barber Shop . Always all the men in town would go there for their haircuts . Be it the Banker , Farmer or college student , you would meet them sooner or later at the Barber Shop . I can remember when I was older seeing young fathers bringing their sons in for their first hair cut . Some little boys would be stoic and sit as quietly as possible and some would cry during the whole thing . The barber was an old hand at this , and would always somehow even give the most squirming of boys ' produce a good hair cut . What I remember was the range of emotions each parent would go through . I can remember seeing new parents and grandparents almost coming to tears seeing how distraught their child was from getting a hair cut . I can also remember how proud and beaming some were when their child would sit there and be brave . Mostly I can remember the barber and how he treated each child . From the ones moving constantly to the ones about to cry , he knew how to treat each child to where at the end of the haircut they would be smiling . Plus a lollipop at the end helped . I realized later that obviously it made his job easier to not have the child fearing coming back , but I think more it was just the man 's personality . I also realized that this was a life 's moment that child and adult would never forget . Our Barber had left years ago and now there are a couple of beaposted by Family Man | 5 : 51 AM Fmom and I will be taking a trip . It 's not very far , about a six hour drive , and we 'll only be gone a couple of days . Fmom wants to go and see about how a relative is doing . Our car is in good shape , but now of days I have to prepare for these things . I don 't know if you 've ever broken down on the interstate , but I did once and it is not a good feeling . Back in the late 80 's I had just come back from Europe . Over there I had my own car and it was being shipped back . I got the notification to pick it up in New Orleans ( N . O . ) . So I fly into N . O . , get to the port , go through all the paper work , check my car out and start heading out to Mobile to pick up my family . Out of N . O . my car starts sputtering and I 'm thinking I better pull into the next service station . I didn 't get a chance to do that because smoke starts pouring out from under my hood . I pull over to the side and pop the hood and smoke is boiling out . I 'm not a mechanic and know nothing about such things , so I start walking . I was lucky because someone picked me up and took me across the Eastern Bridge on Lake Pontchartrain into Slidell . He gave me the name of a mechanic and dropped me off at a bar where I could call him . I called the guy and he said he would be right there . Two and a half - hours later the guy shows up . I told him what happened and he said OK let 's go look at it . Now I had come with enough money to get to my family and get them back to our new home . Once we were half way across the bridge getting to my car , the guy told me , " If I have to go across the bridge I charge a minimum of $ 100 . " I told him to stop right there and let me out because I couldn 't afford to pay that much just for a ride back across the bride . He told me not to worry and he 'd take a look at it . We finally get to the car and he looks at it . His first words are " It 's pretty well broke . " At this point in time I know I 'm dealing with a genius . He tells me even for the short time it had been broken down on the interstate ; I was lucky no one hadposted by Family Man | 7 : 33 AM While I was in the military and after I divorced , I couldn 't afford a very decent place to live . At the new place I was sent , I found an old trailer in the trailer park from hell . To say it was an upscale place would be a lie . This was a place where you got what you paid for and the rent was low . The owners did as little as possible for any repairs on anything . I had looked at the place and it was a wreck , but they said they would have a cleaning lady come in and tidy it up . When they called to say it was ready and I first walked in , I could tell no difference from the last time I saw it . It took me a week of cleaning before I would move any of my stuff in . Here 's a few of the exploits that happened . The first month there I had met my next door neighbors . Since I had a telephone , they would be over to use it from time to time . Their mother who was about 20 years older than I was would come over and talk from time to time . One morning I get up to go to work and I find a napkin under my window shield wiper and on it was written I really like you and signed by the mother . It was also doused in perfume . I was dumbstruck and the only thing I could say was " Oh my God ! " I was saying that over and over as I walked into my office carrying the napkin . I showed my boss and co - worker and they were rolling in the floor laughing . The whole day at work I kept thinking I don 't need this . That afternoon when I got home the mother came over and said she and her daughter - in - law got drunk the night before and put it on there as a joke . Later on in the conservation she told me how hard it was to live with her children and that if I wanted someone to live with me , she was available . I told her politely and firmly that I had just gotten out of a relationship and wasn 't ready for a new one . During this time inside my mind I 'm screaming , " Oh my God ! " One bad thing about these trailers was that they were placed so close to each other . For some reason when people got up in the middle of the night in the next trailers you couposted by Family Man | 11 : 04 AM Well my relatives did it again . First I had my sister brings me back a can of salmon from Alaska . This time I had a s - i - l bring me this . It 's a lip balm and says it contains no chicken poop . I do love the last sentence on the label though . Warning : The safety of this product has not been determined . Actually from everything I 've read about it , it 's supposed to be pretty good stuff . It 's sold in a lot of states now , and you would know that in the one place in the state where my relatives live , they sell it there . I can 't wait until Christmas . It 's no telling what I 'll receive then . Well the relatives are back and they bought my great nephew to boot . I 'm in a shut down mode now , because my back is still giving me problems . I guess I 'll see my doctor again next week and see what can be done about it . I 've pulled my back before , but I don 't think it has ever been this bad . I don 't think I 've had full nights sleep since I 've pulled it , because anytime I turn it wakes me up . I think getting up out of bed is the worst . First I have to get to a sitting position , which is painful to say the least . Second is trying to stand up where I push myself up with a chair by the bed . Once I 'm sitting with my back straight it 's no problem . I can even get out of the chair with no problem as long as I keep my back straight . I 'm just hoping it 's nothing more than a pulled muscle . Plus I 'm missing my naps something terrible . I went into the kitchen to get some milk to take my Naproxen and it 's a mess . I 'm going to wait out the relatives and see if they take pity on me . If not , then I have to see what I do . I hope everyone has a great weekend planned and be careful .

As they walking holding hands a falling deeper and deeper in love . The boy stopped and looked down , not even noticing but he picked up a folded up dollar . Thinking it was only a dollar as he opened it he slightly turned around to not show the girl . It was a 100 dollars , everything started going through his mind . All the things he could buy . New shoes , New hats , New pants then he thought I want to spend it on this girl . " Whats your favorite kind of flowers ? " He asked her in a slightly soft tone . " Oh , just wondering . " They kept walking and he seen these beautiful red roses . They were bright , and so alive they remind him of her . As he was walking with her . Holding her hand and looking into her beautiful eyes . They were blue bright blue . He stopped walking and turned in front of her to face her eyes . " I 'm in love with you . " He said softly . She looked her eyes got wide , and a bright smile came upon her face . Her month opened He looked at her and smiled picked her up and swung her around . Just slightly he kissed her lips , pressing against them but not pressing to hard to hurt them . She pulled away and smiled and grabbed his hand . Her phone vibrated it read " We need you home , right now sweetie . " She looked at the message and her face dropped . After he kissed her and watched her leave , he walked into this old pawn shop . He knew what he was going to get , He was going to spend that 100 dollars that he found on a promise ring for her . He wanted the ring to promise that he didn 't want to be with anyone else but her . That is what happened , he found this beautiful pink stoned diamond ring . It had so much detail , but when he brought it up to the corner the man said " 100 dollars please . " as he reached in his pocket and nothing was there . He kept searching every were , but soon enough he did not find it . He looked at the man and said " I am sorry sir . I must have lost my money , never mind about this ring . " " keep it . My treat . " The boys eyes got so big and he smiled " Thank you sir . Thank you very much . My girlfriend will love this . " He starts running , he runs to were he seen those beautiful roses . And picks them up , and soon enough he walks to her grave . He says to it " It felt like you were here with me today , Like it was just me and you walking . It felt like the time right before you died . I am so sorry I let your parents hurt you like that . I wish I would have not let you go home . I wish I would have kept you with me . But I have something for you . I got you this ring , its a promise ring that someday we will be together . It might not be soon or on earth but I promise it will happen . These roses there red your favorite like you told me that day before you left . I want you to know you smell just like a rose . You are as beautiful as a rose , and I wouldn 't want to spend or wait for anyone else for the rest of my life . . I do love you , and soon enough I will be with you . " I walked down the busy Chicago street , my feet making minimal noise , the heavy traffic drowning out every noise . I hummed to myself as I passed by the many storefronts , strange faces that I would never see again in my life whizzed past . Today was just a normal day , walking to work at the Corner Roast coffee shop . My phone buzzed in my pocket and I pulled it out , my eyes focusing down . I unlocked it and went to open the new message but something on the ground made me stop . I looked down at the dirty sidewalk , my eyes popping out of my head . There on the ground laid a $ 100 bill . I looked around and bent down , taking the treasured green paper in my hand . I quickly stood and shoved it in my pocket . For a moment I felt like in the movies when the little angel and devil sit on your shoulders and argue . " Think of the person that lost that ! If you were the one that lost that you would be so upset ! Just imagine how they feel right down , " the angel tapped my shoulder . I let out a sigh . The angel was right , I couldn 't imagine owning this $ 100 and then losing it . . " Stop stop ! " I yelled at them , shooing them away . I left the bill in my pocket and continued my pursuit to work . I opened the little door to the shop , the bell ringing above me . My shoes tapped on the wooden floor as I walked in . " Morning Lindsey , just the person I wanted to see , " Margaret said as she walked out . I braced myself as I got things in the cafe ready for the day . This could either be a good thing or a bad thing . " $ 10 more every hour , " she smiled . That meant I would be making $ 20 an hour . This was huge ! Considering I worked 5 hours here after my college classes that would mean I would be making $ 100 a day . This was unreal , " Oh and the new trainee needs some time behind the counter , so I 'm giving you the day off . " I almost pinched myself , I thought I was dreaming . " Thank you Margaret , " I smiled . I replaced my apron back on the hook and grabbed my bag , heading back out into the crazy Chicago traffic . The bill was burning a hole in my pocket , so I looked both ways and ran across the road to the clothing shop across the street . I opened the door and walked in , already knowing where my area of target was . I trailed my way through the maze of racks and found the little pink dress on the end of one . I took it and walked to the fitting rooms , pulling a curtain closed behind me . I stripped of my work clothes and slipped on the dress , the material fitting perfectly to my body . I gave myself a nod in the mirror , it didn 't look too bad . I wanted someone 's opinion . I stuck my head out , my eyes falling on a lady who was sorting through clothes on a rack . " Sure , " she smiled , making her way over to me . I stepped out , giving her a full view , " Wow , that looks amazing on you ! Definite yes from me . " " Thank you , " I smiled as she gave me a nod and went back to her sorting . I pulled the curtain closed again and put my normal clothes back on . I walked back out to the register where the same girl stood . " All set ? " she smiled . I nodded as I put the dress up on the counter . She rang it up and put it in a bag , " Considering you are our 50th customer today you get a 50 % discount . " " I 'll just give you a ride home so you can get ready , " we walked down the sidewalk together . I nodded in approval as he led me to his car that was parked next to the music store he worked in . He held open the door for me as I hopped in . I shook my head as I sat alone in the car . Today was turning out to be my lucky day ! Getting a raise at work , the day off , the free dress , a date with Brett and it all started when I found that $ 100 bill . I look down at the ground and find a $ 100 bill just laying there . I look around , no one 's around . I quickly pick the $ 100 bill up and turn around . I was so excited to find that money . I was already headed to the mall but that gave me an extra $ 100 ! I didn 't even think anything about it ; it was pure luck that I found it . I didn 't think that it could have been someone 's money for the bills , someone 's birthday money , or someone had done it on purpose . I get to the mall and had the best time trying on clothes and figuring out what I wanted ; there was so many possibilities . I wanted to savor the money and try and make it last , but I knew that that wouldn 't happen . I knew I would spend it all at once . I decide to buy a sweater , two pairs of jeans , and a shirt from Charlotte Russe . The total came to be $ 98 . 39 . I didn 't even have to use any of my own money for once ; my parents never gave me money for extra stuff like this . I had my own job during the school year and summer . I was a good kid , if I got into trouble then I would lose my job . I had to have money for lunch , clothes , and random things that my friends and I spent money on . We would go out to eat occasionally or go to a place to hang out . I hand over my crisp $ 100 bill , it seemed new compared to all of my paper bills . I didn 't care . The lady looks at the bill and gets the phone out . She called someone and asked them to come there for help . All of a sudden a guy in a security outfit comes . The cashier goes , " Will you take a look at the bill for me ? " The security guy took a look at the bill and says , " We got us here a fake bill . What 's your name ? " I stutter , " A - a - ashley . " He gesters me to come with him so I follow . He takes me to this small backroom at the mall . " Did you know that you have a fake $ 100 bill ? " he asks me . I had no idea that it was fake , I was about to cry . I just found it and assumed that it was real . I don 't do stuff like that . " I - I - I didn 't know it was fake , I swear ! I found it on the ground ! " I manage to say while crying . I didn 't know what to do . The security guy didn 't seem to believe me . I didn 't want to get in trouble , I couldn 't . My parents couldn 't even know that I was here . Even if I told them that I didn 't know that it was fake they wouldn 't believe me . Then the fact that I took the money and didn 't turn it in would have me grounded for life . I was supposed to be this good Christian girl who went to church , had a job , and excelled in school . Not turning in the money would make me a bad Christian going to Hell according to my parents . Great . I could already hear them saying that . I was scared . I didn 't want them to know . The security guy was still sitting there in his chair just staring at me while I was crying . He didn 't know what to do you could tell , but if he let me go you know he would be fired . The security guy finally sighs and says , " I 'm really sorry . I really am , but I have to take you to the police department where you will be questioned and be seen as a victim until you can prove you 're not guilty . " He gets up and opens the door , only for two police officers to walk in . They handcuffed me and I rode in the back of the police car praying that they would realize that I was innocent . When we got to the police station they took off my handcuffs and led me into a small room . It had a desk with a chair on each side and a lamp . It was so cliché , but it was exactly how you would picture it based off of the movies . A detective walks in with a notebook , paper filled with questions to question me , and a huge folder file filled to where he almost needed a second folder . The file had " Operation : Sandusky " scribbled on it in black sharpie . As I tried to peek inside the file a million questions are going through my head , " Am I going to be seen as innocent ? " " Are they going to believe me ? " " Whose Sandusky ? " " Was this a case that they think I 'm involved with ? " " Will they make me help them figure out this ' operation ' ? " I wanted to ask all of these questions and get the answers right away , but I knew that wouldn 't happen . The detective opened the file and started to read it all , not allowing me to have a look of anything . He says to me , " We have to wait a minute until one more detective can come in here , then we can start . " Just leaving the sushi bar with Julia after a nice lunch to begin a hectic day . My son , Avin has been telling me how much he wants fish . I thought that gold fish would be a nice starter fish . Then I remembered back to my childhood and thought of how my mom never let me get goldfish because they would die two days after you have them . I was thinking of my old fishtank , and all the joy I had as a child , watching them for hours after I got home from school . I remember that I would change their names everyday because I couldn 't remember it . I had four fishes as a kid , they lived from fourth grade to tenth grade . I had a ten gallon tank , they were the best pet of all time . All they needed was some food and a friend and they were good . I would come home everyday after school and watch them swimming through my decorations I had burrowed in the colorful rocks on the bottom of the tank . I had a log in the bottom of the tank so they could have some darkness when they wanted sleep . I had a mask too , the eye holes in the mask were big enough so the fish had things to swim through , and weren 't ever bored . I had a clownfish decoration also , it looked like nemo from ' finding nemo ' the movie , and so that is what his name was . After thinking back to my childhood , I thought of how much fun I had and how much fun Avin would have if he had a couple fishes . I wish I had the money though . Starting a fish tank is expensive , I remember that I had to save up more than a six months of allowance to be able to get fish . My mom wouldn 't let me get one goldfish and a vase , because he would die . So I am not letting Avin do that . I will get a twenty gallon tank so he can pick out all of the different fish that he wanted . If I had the money , I would let him pick out six fish at first , and if they lasted for two weeks , and Avin took care of them , then I would let him go back every week after that and get one more until he had ten . I wanted to go through all this hectic stuff so my son could have fish , whew ! As I was leaving the sushi bar with Julia for lunch , I realized that I left my car keys in the sushi place where we ate . So , after running into the restaurant and finding them , my stomach got a little queezy . After the intense feeling of having to throw up , I finally did . This brought back some of the food that I just ate . I should feel bad about throwing up infront of my co - worker , but I wasn 't because I had just found a one hundred dollar bill laying on the ground . The bill was stuck in the crack of the gutter on the corner of the sidewalk . I am surprised I saw it . I can 't believe that I did . I knelt down as if I was in much pain , and I slowly grabbed the underneath of the sidewalk , and grabbed that one hundred dollars . Julia had no idea that I did that . She still doesn 't , and it 's been a year . I told Julia that instead of going to work early to work on my presentation , I would be going to my sons ' school to pick him up and so he could go pick out a fish . She was as surprised as Avin was , he couldn 't believe I was letting him do it . I dropped off Julia at our work so she could work on her presentation , and I picked up Avin from school . I buckled him into the seat behind mine , and drove our old crappy car to the pet store . We finally arrived , after a half hour of traffic . He was wondering what we were doing , so I told him " You 're getting a fish today , bud ! " he was so excited , that he unbuckled himself from the car , grabbed my hand and drug me into the store . Being a kid , he couldn 't see all of the fish in their aquariums . One of the store employees say that I was having a difficult time holding my sixty pound son on my hips , she told me to put him down on the ground because she has something for him . She grabbed a hand full of stickers and asked him to pick out as many as he would like . He picked out a spider - man sticker , a super - man sticker , and a fish sticker . He immediately took the sticker of the fish and stuck it to his shirt , right were his heart is . Next , Amy , the employee who gave him the three stickReply Avin picked out the one that glowed in the dark because he said " mommy , if I can 't have the special lighting in my room , I want my fish too ! " So , after he picked out his special lighted glow in the dark fish aquarium , he had to pick out rocks and accessories for his fish to swim around in . He picked out black and red rocks for the bottom , a castle for the princess and queen . He picked out sponge - bob square - pants accessories for the aquarium because that is his favorite cartoon . We got fish food , and everything that was needed to start the aquarium off right . We got home , and we set everything up . I couldn 't believe how big of a smile my son had on his face . He couldn 't stop smiling and telling me " thank you mommy , you 're the best ! " I can 't believe how lucky I am to have such a good son . It 's hard to provide when you are a single parent , and I can 't believe how much god has helped me . God left that one hundred dollar bill in the corner where I puked , so I would see it and so I would get Avin those fish that are now his top priority . I don 't know what I would have done without God doing that , because it broke my heart when Avin would ask for fish , and I couldn 't because of money being that tight . Know - one truly understands how hard life is , until you almost loose it . Avin set up his fish tank with the castle in the right side of the tank and the sponge - bob square - pants accessories on the left side of the tank . Everyday after I pick Avin up from school , he asks if all of his fish are alive , and how they are . He runs in the door of the apartment , and runs into the living room where the fish tank is set up , turns the light on that makes the tank glow in the dark , and watches the fish swim through different obstacles . He is so in love with those fish . I am so thankful for that one hundred dollar bill that was blowing in the wind . If I didn 't go out with Julia for lunch , he wouldn 't be so happy everyday after school . He wouldn 't want to leave the playground and his friends . His fish are his new friends . He talkReply I grew up in a poor family . We never had a lot . . . . but my parents always made sure we never went hungry , and always had a roof over our head . My mother was beautiful , and sweet , and I can remember everything about her down to the exact perfume she wore . My father was a strong and loving man , who was always looking for the next best job , which meant we moved around a lot . I was born in Virginia , but over my life I have lived in 16 different states . I was not , in any way , considered the perfect daughter , but I respected my parents and was always grateful for what I had . Of course it was hard to grow up with so little , and during my teenage years I secretly wished we had more . My friends always had more than me , they had the better clothes , the expensive shoes as well as perfect make up , and hair . However , I tried my hardest to remember that I had more than people who lived on the streets , and living where we had , we saw quite a few of them . I guess that is why my conscious always gets to me when I see homeless on the streets . After I graduated from medical school , and started my job as a doctor at St . Marys in Grand Rapids , Michigan , my life took a complete 180 degree turn . I was finally the successful woman in the expensive clothes and designer shoes . I didn 't find any joy in the hype of the rich world though . I thought I would enjoy the recognition that came with money , but it left me feeling empty , and unsatisfied . For years my life went on like this . I went on the occasional date , and tried to keep up in my Christianity , but when I found that I was not finding any happiness , I decided to quit . Then , one day , I decided to take a different route from work , because traffic had been especially bad that day and I had extra time . On my way , I passed a line of people who were waiting to get into Mel Trotter ministries and my conscious began to pick at me . I ignored it and went on my way , trying not to stare as I passed the line of unfortunate people . A few days later I passed it again , and saw that the spaces had beenReply It was just laying there . It seemed that it had no purpose , like it was tainted and no one wanted it . " A life without greed , " said one woman , passing by . A life in which you didn 't need it to buy material things . I sat , cross legged on the ground , right in front of it . I didn 't want it , but I was positive that someone would stop for just a moment to pick it up , and be on their marry way . I spotted a man wearing a black suit with a red tie . Surely he wants it , I thought . He stopped just to the left of me . " Young lady , it seems that you 've lost your money , " he said , pointing at it . I looked down at the folded up bill and then back at him , meeting his eyes . " Sir , that 's not mine , but surely you 'd like it , right ? " He walked away with the turn of his heel . Why didn 't anyone want it ? I didn 't need it , I was only 16 . I had everything I wanted , and more , in fact . I stood up , and took one last glance at the money . Maybe I could just put it in my pocket for good keeping . I bent down to pick it up and I heard a voice come from behind me . " Oh , thank goodness , you found my money . I thought I had lost it . " I turned around to face an attractive young man about my age . I stuttered with my words until I found the right ones to say . " Uhmmm . . well . . I uh . . Yeah , I did . Here you go , " I said while I pushed it into his chest . I pulled my hand away quickly and turned to walk away . He grabbed my hand and turned me around , pulling me closer . " Come with me , and get coffee , " his breath was on my neck . I shivered and stepped back . " Uhmmm . . uh . . sure . " I walked , stride by stride with him down the sidewalk . The fall leaves were all around , some getting caught in the passing wind and swirling in the air . The day was beautiful , just like him . I looked over at him , and pulled my sweater tighter . He turned to me and smiled . Oh , his smile , it was so white and perfect . His eyes were a fresh Amber color that matched the leaves around him . He grabbed my hand and pulled me alittle closer . His hand was warm against mine ; palm in palm . " Are you cold ? " he asked , in the most sincere way . I shook my head and looked at the ground . He stopped me in front of a ruby red Mustang . He proceeded to open the door and help me in . He walked around the car and got in , starting the car . The radio was quiet but I could make out classical music . He had class . He pulled out into the road and started down the street . I grabbed his hand and held it . I felt distant when he wasn 't grasping my hand . He looked over at me and pushed on the accelerator . I looked at the speedometer as the dial climbed up and up . We were at 110 when I finally looked back at the windshield . The world was gong by so fast , and for the first time , in my entire life , I wasn 't scared . " I love you , " he whispered , still looking at me . The red brick wall came closer and closer at an alarming rate , as I turned to him . " I love you too , " the words just slipped past my lips . I meant it , I did love him . And I didn 't even know his name . And it was in that very moment that the wall connected with the car and my knees came up to my chest , I knew I was happy . I was happy to die with a random stranger . Reply One cold winter day I was walking down the street . Snow was covering every part of this small town , the trees , benches , roads , and even the people walking . I was just minding my own business walking down the street , when I saw a green paper resting in the snow a few feet ahead . So as curiosity struck me I walked up to the piece of paper and brushed the snow off of it . I blinked a couple of times to make sure I was seeing clearly . I looked around to see if anyone had seen my unshaven face , that was full of excitement . It was a hundred dollar bill ! I haven 't seen one of these scene before the bank took my house from me . I shoved the bill in my pocket and walked swiftly to the bridge , were I made my home . Started the fire and plopped down on the cold hard ground , to inspect the bill closer . When I put my hand in my coat pocket , I was relieved at finding that the money was still safely in place . Once inspecting it closer I came to the conclusion that it wasn 't fake , and I surly and truthfully had a hundred dollar bill . The next thought that came to my mind was , what to do with this money ? Should I turn it in , keep it for my own use or give it to someone that truly needs it ? The sad truth was that I needed it , really bad . I had no home , my shoes and the rest of my clothing were ripped , I hadn 't shaved or showered in at least three weeks . So I did what any person would do if they really need the money , I would keep it . So I placed the money safely back in my coat pocket and lied my head down on one of the bridge pillars , just like they were pillows . I placed my hand over my chest to protect the money from anyone else who seemed to wander by my fire and I went to sleep . Dreaming of great ideas , that the money should go towards . I woke to the sounds of the small town , that finally arose . The small town was like my alarm clock , but it didn 't ding annoyingly . Instead it slowly hummed to life . Remembering the day before , I quickly shoved my hand inside my coat . To my surprise it still wasn 't gone ! My mind instantly raced with what that days events were going to consist of . First I would get my head and bread cut , then buy a new coat and gloves , next would be shoes and pants . Something surprising happened , right after I got all of those new things . People started to talk to me again ! Everyone looked at me like I was actually human again , not some piece of trash that was left to fend for themselves on the side of the road . It felt so nice for people to talk to me , and want me to talk to them . But it ended shortly with the day ending , I spent it all , every cent . On making me look normal again . I didn 't want it to end , I needed more money to make myself be normal . So I concocted a plan to get more money . I would make it take place the next day . After I woke up . That 's how I ended up here , wearing all orange with numbers on my chest . I didn 't mean to hurt the bank teller , but I did . Now I am sitting inside this prison , with hundreds of other men that have made mistakes in their lives . I will be in here for life , because I took the life of someone . I just think about it this way . I have a better life in here then I did on the streets of the small town . Showers every Monday and Thursday , people to talk to , games , three meals a day , clothes , and a warm place to sleep . I can 't help but think sometimes , what would have happened if I never found that hundred dollar bill . On that cold winter day . Reply " Daddy , why 's the nice lady back alone ? You said she was bringing Mommy back . " The large brown orbs went back and forth between the two adults , trying to find someone who would explain to her why her mom had been taken away , and wasn 't back yet . " Maria did you see that they have books in the corner ? Maybe you could pick one out to read to Mommy later . " he crouched down to the height of the girl and pointed to the small shelf of books , " You know which ones Mommy likes best right ? " he whispered . The doctor smiled as she watched the girl picking out more books than her small arms could hold . She found herself jealous of Maria 's innocence . But then she remembered that she was the one who would have to deliver the news that would , perhaps , shatter that innocence forever . " Tell me . " Maria 's father 's voice shook , bringing the doctor back from her thoughts . " Yes , " the doctor answered before the father could , " Right this way . She 's sleeping , but you can still read it to her . " she said as she started to walk towards the doors , the small patter of feet behind her . " Can I talk to you for a second ? " the doctor said as she pulled the father from the room . Maria 's voice could be heard from inside , changing in tones as she read for the different characters . " I know you don 't have a lot of money , " the doctor started to say . " Don 't , " he stopped her , " We 'll find a way on our own . Maria starts school soon , so I 'll be able to pick up extra hours . " he said , his voice strong . " I was waiting for you . " she said with a shy smile , " I heard you and Daddy talking about money , and I want to help . " as she said this she pulled out a a couple of dimes from her pocket and put it in the doctor 's hand . " I want you to give this to your Daddy when he wakes up . Alright ? " she put something in the girl 's hand and closed her fingers around it . " Don 't tell him who it 's from . " She smiled and stood up , patting the girl on the head . The storm clouds that covered the sky in a thick dark blanket made me wish I had stayed inside today . It was gonna rain , that I was for sure of . I had no car to get me back to my apartment , and I had already walked a mile . My little girl trotted along my side trying not to step on the cracks as she sang in a low tone " step on a crack and break your mother 's back . " I was taking her to the park . I felt bad because she has been stuck inside our apartment all day with nothing to play with . I didn 't have much which made me feel like a horrible mother . We reached the park after a mile and a half walk . As soon as she saw the rusty old jungle gym she let go of my hand and ran for it . I felt happiness knowing that she was having fun . I sat down on the cold , lonely bench and pulled out my book . I really don 't want to be reading , but it 's for my classes at the community college . I have mid - terms coming up , and I need to pass them . After getting a couple pages into my studying , my phone rings loudly , making me jump . It was my alarm ringing , and I just stare at my purse wondering why . And then it hits me . Without looking at my phone , I realize what today is . I suddenly become afraid of my phone , hoping that it 's not what I think it is . I just check anyways , even though I 'm for sure . I reach into my bag and pull out my phone that still playing the alarm sound . Today was March 1st . Which means my rent for the apartment is due . I drop my phone with a sinking feeling in my stomach . I look over at my beautiful little girl happily swinging higher and higher on the swings . Tears start streaming down my face knowing that all of this is going to be gone . The manager of the apartments had already let me skip last month for rent because I had to pay daycare and buy my books for my classes . I knew she wouldn 't let me miss this month , and I knew I was getting evicted . I searched my purse for my wallet and pulled it out in a hurry . I open it hoping I would magically have the money - but only to find $ 50 . $ 100 short . Which is a lot in my " Mommy , what do you have to do ? " Hearing her innocent voice just breaks my heart . My daughter is the only reason I think I 'm still alive . She keeps me going day by day . Tears start to stream down my face , but I look up and away from her so she doesn 't see . " Just back home . We 'll come back a different day , okay ? " But I don 't think we will . If I get evicted I know she will be taken away from me . As I was walking and thinking about what to do next a huge gust of wind blows and almost knocks me on my feet . I knew it was going to start raining any minute . I looked back down and saw what looked like a dollar right next to some grass . I bent down and picked up and realized it was a $ 100 bill . I was dumb founded . I sort of laughed at it , thinking about my situation . I couldn 't help but stare at him , he had dark brown , almost black hair and eyes the colour of the ocean , the deepest blue I have ever seen . You could get lost in those eyes . As I was staring at him , I noticed he was staring at me too , and we stayed like that for what felt like an eternity . I broke the connection by saying : I then turned and began walking away , before I even made it 2 feet , my phone began ringing . I sifted through my purse until I found it . I answered it and said : It was one of those hot sticky summer days , where no matter what you wear , it sticks to you . I was wearing black cargo shorts , a loose black T - shirt , black Vans , and a silver hat . Yeah I know I was wearing all black basically , on a hot summer day . What was I thinking ! ? Well I couldn 't even tell you what I was thinking . I was in downtown , and I had just left a skating store when I saw something that was a dark green . I walked over to it and stooping down I picked it up . When I saw that it was money I got kinda excited , but when I realized that it was a hundred dollar bill . I flipped out ! Okay not outward but inside I was flipping out . You know that expression where something surprises you or shocks you , and your jaw hits the floor . Well my jaw made that saying true , like I am pretty sure the whole world heard the loud clunk my jaw made when it hit the pavement . I looked around to make sure no one was looking at me . I really did not want to have to turn it over to the owner of whoever lost it . I mean yeah it is the right thing to do , but who honestly would turn in a 100 dollar bill ? Well I thought to myself now I can buy that skateboard I want that cost so much . I pocketed the money and turned around , heading back towards the store , when a hand clamped down on my shoulder . I spun around and was facing the most horrid face I have ever seen in my life . It was this old fat lady who 's lips were so far out and puckered . Her face was so full of wrinkles , eyes were blood shot , basically bald . I almost swore but stopped myself . Screaming in my face she demanded for her money , and I literally just stared at her . So I asked her what money like an idiot . The old witch had the nerve to slap me as hard as she could in the face . It stung really bad and the sound was so loud . I moved my hand as fast as I could to my pocket and took the money out . The old lady snatched it out of my hand and walked off without a word . I stood there for a good five minutes . What brought me out of my state was the word 100 , I looked around and saw Jeremiah VanderHelm Good old Ben Franklin is staring up at me from the sidewalk , and I stare right back . I 'd watched as the man had hurriedly shuffled out of the bank , trying to stuff as much of his money into his wallet in as little time as possible . Of course one of the bills had dropped from his wallet , and of course I had been standing there to see it all happen . Now I 'm stuck in that classic dilemma of whether or not to pick up a fair sum of money that didn 't rightfully belong to me . Great . I run over what all I could do in my head . That was easy , there were all of two things that could happen . I could either take the money or leave it on the ground . I figure if I just pick one of them , I have a fifty - fifty chance of making the right choice , right ? Then again , I 've never really been good at letting things go and winging it , hoping for the best . So I was stuck , there . What 's the worst that could happen , I think ? Oh , crap . That 's not something I should ever ask myself , because I will think of the absolute worst thing that could possibly happen . Like suppose the guy is in deep with the mob and this money is his only hope of paying back his debt so he doesn 't get his kneecaps broken . If I pick up this money , some other poor guy could be walking funny for the rest of his life . Or suppose that the guy 's some sort of hitman and this is his money for some kind of high level assassination . When he realizes a hundred bucks is missing from his payment , he could go back , look at the video footage from the ATM across the street with some help from his hacker buddy . He 'll see that I picked up the money , then he 'll find me and shoot me to teach me a lesson . I could be walking funny for the rest of my life . Anyways , see what I mean ? When I think of the worst thing that could happen , I think of the worst freaking thing . I 'm starting to freak out a little , so I 'm starting to look like some guy hyperventilating outside a bank . I 'm getting some looks . I try to think of the good that could happen should I pick up the money . Hopefully that 'll calm me down . Please God let it calm me down . Say I pick up the money and invest it in the stock market . I do it smart ; I don 't get greedy , and I get rich . My life take a dramatic turn for the better as I have money to buy anything and everything I have ever or will ever want . Power . Cars . Penthouse . Jets . Respect . Money . Money . Money . Money . Money . . . If I was a cartoon , I 'm gonna guess my eyes are turning into cash symbols as I think of how my life could turn out if I take this money . I 'm gonna do it . Screw the hitman ; I 'm taking my money . I take a few steps towards the money . I was walking down the street one rainy spring day , when all sudden I stepped my foot down on the ground and heard a loud " CRUNCH . " I look all around to see if there was somebody following me , but nobody was there . I looked down and what I saw was something I 've never seen before . One hundred dollars was staring at me . I looked around again to see if maybe someone had dropped it but no one was there . I picked the $ 100 up of the ground . I thought to myself " What on earth am I supposed to do with this ? " I have often heard of people keeping the money on the ground , but to me that felt so wrong . What if that was all the money someone had ? Or what if someone else needed it more than me ? As I child I was always taught that some people may not be very fortunate , or that some people may not have as much as some of the others , and that if you had the chance , that more often then not it was so much better to give then to receive , I never exactly got the experience of giving to someone else until today . I haven 't made a set decision on what I am going to do with the money just yet but I do know I want to give to someone else . It 's only fair . After all these years people have given to me , and I want to feel what it feels to give to someone else . As I continued to walk , I walked past the local food pantry . I have never been in there before but this time was different , I felt as though I was led into there . When I entered the building there was young couple standing at counter in the back of the room . " Thank you , thank you , THANK YOU ! ! " They repeated contiously . You have no idea how much you have just done for us . We have been struggling with getting enough supplies to keep this going and every little bit helps . " They stated . I couldn 't help but smile , one of the biggests smiles I have ever smiled . I walked out of there feeling better then ever . I have never felt this great before . After this day , donating and helping others became a huge part of my every day life and made me into a much better person . That was the best thing I could ever done with $ 100 . I was only 23 , and years of addiction and mistakes put me there . Unfortunately , I threw all of my money away on something that ruined me . Long years of drugs and alcohol are over now though . I don 't want the fact I used to be a so called " druggie " define me . I am an ordinary man with some issues just like everyone else , except I was homeless . I needed help , but everyone disowned me . At the point in time it was my dream to change my life around , go to college , meet a beautiful girl , and start a family . Life is a long journey , and problems will come your way . But its your choice to take those problems and face them with an iron fist . Here is my own life journey and the problems I overcame . As I said earlier , I was only 23 . My past is a dark one , I was abused by my father , and my mother was my protector from him . She would almost always take the brutal beatings from my drunken father for me . She would see my father abusing me , and she would step in and take it all for me . I really miss her . When I was 16 , she killed herself . In that moment I was so empty inside . I became severely depressed and turned to cutting , drugs , and booze . My father was poor , and my needs were never met . By the time I turned 17 I was a consistent abuser of cocain . I was addicted to the drug , and spent all the money I had on it . When my father died , he had absolutely nothing , and left nothing behind for me . I was forced out of the small , outdated house I grew up in . I hit the streets , and became homeless . I had no money for food , shelter , or the thing my body was craving the most , the cocain . I was forced off of it with the death of my father , but now I consider that a blessing . For a year I lived on the streets . I was cold every night , and I 'd go days without food . The nearby Grand River provided me fresh water , but yet I was skin and bones from lack of food . All day I was lonely with nothing to do . I 'd often daydream about what I wish my life was like . I dreamed of a big yellow house overlooking a lake , a beautiful wife to grow old , and a few kids keeping me occupied . I always wanted to be a husband my father never was to my mother , and a father to my kids that I never had . The day was August 8th , and I actually remember it quite vividly . I was heading for the corner of Wealthy Street with my sign that read " Homeless and Hungry " . I almost reached the corner when something caught my eye . I stopped dead in my tracks and turned my head towards the object . I ran over to it , and there sat two 100 dollar bills wedged in the concrete . The way it sat , it looked like someone planted it there on purpose . I looked around to see if someone was chasing after the money , but everyone seemed oblivious as to what I was doing . I was tempted to leave it be , but 200 dollars to me was like 10 , 000 dollars to an average person . I quickly pocketed the 200 dollars and found myself sitting down overwhelmed . I had a decision in that moment . I could use the 200 dollars to by the substance my body was craving so bad , or I could use a little to get some food and save the rest . It was a decision that changed my life . I decided my body could no longer handle the cocain , and that I needed to change my life around . I went to a local convenience store down the street and bought some food . Then I walked to a local second hand store and bought a cheap warm shirt and pants . As I walked up to the cashier I noticed a help wanted sign . I smirked a little and asked the cashier for a application . She rolled her eyes a little ; it was probably because she could smell my unwashed body . After finding a pen on the side of the road , I filled out my application . I avoided the fact I was a homeless person , but I felt as if I was " If I give you this job , can I rely on you to get here on time ? " He asked out of curiosity . " Oh yes sir ! I promise , I will even get here extra early ! Thank you , thank you ! " I practically screamed while running out of the store . Weeks into the job we became good friends . Soon after , he asked me something that was the start to my new , clean life . He asked if I wanted to live in his guest bedroom in his small house down Reply Ferdinand walked on the busy sidewalk of New York City , whistling in a carefree manner . Some people he passed glanced at him , giving him irritated and annoyed looks . Every time he made eye contact with one of these unpleasant city slickers , he 'd stop whistling for a moment to smile at them . Within a few seconds they 'd be out of sight , out of mind , and he 'd start right back up again . Ferdinand stopped at the corner of the street and waited for the okay to cross sign . He looked around , and noticed a dollar bill lying on the floor . His eyes brightened and in one swift motion he bent down and swiped the dollar bill up and into his pocket . The sign turned to white , and he walked briskly across the crossing walk and headed to the gas station a block over . As Ferdinand opened the door , the bell rang out and he strolled leisurely over to the rack of gum in the corner of the store . The shop owner walked out from the storage room carrying a large box of food to put on the shelves . He was the most adorable old man , with a red checkered flannel shirt tucked into some tan slacks that hugged his jolly belly , which was surely only possible because of his thick suspenders holding them up . His hair was thinning and gray , and his skin was discolored with liver spots and wrinkles . He noticed Ferdinand and his eyes crinkled as he grinned his crooked smile . " Ferdinand ! Hey buddy , it 's great to see you ! Where ya been ? " The man set down the box on the counter and went to pull Ferdinand into a hug . " I 've been missin ' ya around here ! " He said in a warm low voice . " Sorry Hank , I just haven 't had the money to come in and buy anything ! " Ferdinand replied with a laugh . " But I got lucky today , so I 'm going to be making one nice purchase ! " He went to show Hank the dollar bill from his pocket , unfolded it , and froze . " Hey now , you know you don 't need money to come over . In fact , I was just talking to Edna the other day about you . Now we don 't think a thirteen year old should be out living on the streets , no supervision , no schooling . What do ya say you finally take us up on our offer to come and live with us upstairs ? I know it 's not the Ritz or anything , but it 's pretty cozy . More cozy than the alleyway you sleep in . Ferdinand ? " Hank noticed Ferdinand 's rigid body language and looked at him , worry filling his gentle brown eyes . " Uh , this isn 't one dollar . . . This is one hundred ! " Ferdinand exclaimed , and glanced up at Hank , excited as ever . " Wow ! This is just about the greatest thing to happen to me in months ! " Caught up in the excitement , Ferdinand did a giddy little jump and wrapped his skinny arms around Hank . Hank chuckled , and when they pulled apart , he put a hand on Ferdinand 's shoulder firmly and looked him in the eyes . Ferdinand laughed at this gesture , and shook his head . " Why ya looking ' at me like that chief ? I 'm not gonna go spending it on something reckless . Maybe just a new pair of shoes ! And dinner at Denny 's ! That place has the best waffles . . . Boy , I haven 't had waffles in ages ! " His bloated empty stomach gurgled at the thought , and his mouth started watering . " Ferdinand , that 's not what I was thinking at all , you know that . I 've got an idea though . You said you don 't want to take me up on the offer to come and live with us because you don 't have anything to offer us back ? Well , what if you give us this money as rent for the next few months . Trust me , with our apartment , asking for any more money would be a rip off ! Come on now son , please ? " Hank pleaded with the boy , his eyes glimmering with hope . Ferdinand 's lip started to quiver , touched and emotional at the idea of actually having a home . " Well . . . " He murmured softly . " Okay ! But after the couple of months are done , I 'm going to have to move out again ! " Ferdinand said , placing the $ 100 into the old man 's hand . Hank smiled , patted Ferdinand on the back , and turned his body to the storage room . " Excellent ! Let 's go see what we can do for you then . Oh , Edna will be so pleased ! " He exclaimed . " Hey Jack , take care of the store while I 'm out . " He hollered behind him as the two walked through the storage room and up the stairs to the small area . Ferdinand smiled , and looked at Hank in gratitude . " Oh man ! I totally forgot , I was supposed to go shopping real quick ! Hey , Edna 's in the bathtub right now , but when she gets out can you tell her what 's going on for me ? " He said , and Ferdinand nodded his head . " Great ! Make yourself at home , after all , this is your home now ! " And with that , Hank turned back and walked down the stairs , out of his gas station , and down the street . He started walking towards the Denny 's , and on the way stopped at a small clothing store . With the $ 100 . 00 that the boy had given him , he bought six shirts , three pairs of pants , two shorts , and a couple of packs of socks and Reply Twenty seven dollars was all he had to his name . His feet were his only means of transportation . Homeless . That 's what he was . That 's what he has been for the past 3 months . His wife left him and took his kids with her . Some nights he 'd lay where ever he could find shelter and reminesce about when they used to be a family , but most nights he asked him self why he was still living . He walked and walked and walked , and ate at soup kitchens and homeless shelters . One day , on his way to the nearest soup kitchen , he witnessed some sort of bill floating in the air , as if someone had gently placed it in the winds current . He snatched and his jaw dropped in awe . In his hands was now one hundred dollars . Now he knew how it felt to appreciate what you have . Now he understood why many did not appreciate what they had until it was gone . He wasn 't sure what he was going to do with it , but he was so overwhlemed with joy he couldn 't contain himself . But then he saw the boy . The small boy in the same predicament as him . He looked around nine or ten years of age . The overwhelming went away and turned into sadness and empathy . Looking at that boy made him so upset , that he walked over to him to say hello . He then thought that no child should have to go through such a hardship . He bent down in front the small boy and smiled . The boy was ready to run , but he pulled out the hundred dollar bill , and handed to the small boy . The boys eyes widened and filled with tears . The boy clung to the man with a hug for a long period of time and sobbed . When he let go , the boy looked back up , nodded , and ran . Giving that boy the hundred dollar bill was the best thing he did his whole life . He realized that he did not need to be successful for the world , but just for God , and for that God blessed him . A year later he owned his own empire . And fifty percent of his profits went to homeless children . Reply As I walked down the road as the hot Florida sun beamed on my dark brown skin , I noticed something . Something out of the ordinary . Something you don 't find everyday . I looked over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching . There was not a single person in sight . I bend over and pick up the object on the black concrete . In my hands was a crispy 100 dollar bill . Do I keep it , or do I leave it ? It 's not mine , but technically it was nobody 's . Nobody claimed it . It was just in the street alone . Why waste it ? I slid the bill into my pocket and walked away . Feeling very happy with myself . I thought to myself what to do with this . Spend this on myself ? Spend it on someone else ? Save it ? Getting home I sit on the warm chair on my front porch . Finally thinking about it , I figure out what I 'm going to do with this money . Something way better than spending it on myself . Starting back down the road , I smile at the thought of what i 'm going to do with this money . Feeling proud of myself , I decide that maybe I should buy an ice cream cone for myself . Just as a treat for the good deed I was about to do . But walking down the road , I come across my friend . " Girl come with my to get some ice cream ! " I shout across the street to my friend . She runs in my direction . " That 's fine , it 's on me ! " We start off down the road again . Coming across some more friends of ours . They join us . I end up buying the group of us ice cream . Once I leave the ice cream place I walk out with ten dollars left . How could I have spent so much money on such useless things ? I felt guilty . Walking back home , I notice a man with a sign that says " need food . Will work for money . " I look at the ten dollar bill in my hand , thinking to myself " I could have given him 100 rather than ten . " I walk over to him and hand him the ten dollars . He smiles and thanks me . I see him walking away towards town . I felt guilty still , but I felt good . I fed someone today . I made his day . I felt good . Reply

Felix woke up in a beautiful mood this morning , but really hungry . He had such a busy day yesterday , playing and having fun , that he didn 't really eat much at his party . When I got him out of his cot at 6 . 30am , he started signing , " Eat , eat , eat " . When I got him his porridge , he couldn 't eat it quick enough . We spent the morning reading some of Felix 's new story books which he got for his birthday . He loves books so much , and was very spoilt by his friends with lots of new stories to read . I love seeing his excitement when he discovers something new . He busily pointed to pictures and signed ( if he knew the sign ) all the things he could see . He has some touch and feel ones which he thinks are awesome , and some where he has to lift up the flaps to see what is underneath them . A couple of his new books are interactive with different buttons to press at each stage of the story , which make noises . Tonight we read one which had sea creatures , with big goggly eyes , in the book . The eyes glow in the dark , so Nathan sat by the light and turned it on and off as we read each page . Felix thought that was pretty amazing ! Our big ( or should I say , small ) , two year old walked everywhere today . I didn 't see him crawl once ! ! I was so proud of him , but also had a tinge of sadness as I realised that his baby days are almost over . He 's turning into a little boy now , who doesn 't need his Mummy as much as he used to . His new found independence is fantastic but , like with all of our babies , I feel a little bit sad to say goodbye to that part of his life . Someone , from one of the Down Syndrome groups I 'm involved with on Facebook , once gave a great piece of advise . She said that when you have a child with Down Syndrome , one of the most important things you can do is to make yourself obsolete . By that she meant , allow your kids to learn to do everything by themselves . If they are struggling to put on their socks , don 't impatiently grab the socks and put them on their feet for them . Let them keep trying ( even if it takes a long time ) , so they can do it themselves . Obviously some things are going to take longer to learn than others , and some help along the way will be necessary , but the ultimate goal is for them to be successful at things and be able to do them independently . In doing so we , as parents / relatives / friends , learn how to be extra patient ! Historically , people with Down Syndrome were often institutionalised , or left in a room with nothing to stimulate their senses . Later , if they were allowed any sort of education , they were grouped together with ' their own kind ' and had minimal teaching of any sort . Parents and teachers would ' baby ' them and do everything for them . They were always treated as if they didn 't have the capacity to learn . These days we know that kids with Down Syndrome are capable of learning to do pretty much anything they want to . It is so important to treat them the same as we would any other child , and to have high expectations . They should be expected to keep their room tidy , and have nice manners . They should be encouraged to try different sports or learn to cook ; or to do whatever interests them . They are clever and I 've even heard of some teenagers , with Down Syndrome , pulling the . . . . " But I have Down Syndrome " card , to get out of doing something that was expected of them ! Don 't be fooled . . teenagers with Down Syndrome can be just as manipulative and sneaky as any other teenager ! I have no doubt that Felix will try that one , one day too ! : ) Felix put on a bit of a tantrum tonight when I told him it was bed time . He shook his head from side to side and flung himself dramatically across the bed in true 2 year old fashion . I had to keep myself from laughing because I knew how tired he was and how quickly he would fall asleep once he was in bed . Sure enough , as soon as we got to his room the crying stopped . He reached out to his vaporiser to remind me to turn it on ( he has it on every night as it helps keep his nose from getting stuffy ) , and then held his arms out to his cot to go to bed . I handed him his colourful monkey ( which he was terrified of a few months ago ) , and his cat , which is made from a sock ( it 's the ugliest thing I 've ever seen , but Amy bought it for him and he loves it ) , and he happily laid down . As usual , there has not been a sound from his room ever since . He goes to bed so well , and sleeps all night which makes this Mummy very happy ! ! Happy 2nd birthday to our precious little man , Felix ! I can 't believe he is two years old already . I was saying to a friend the other day ( and may have written it here previously ) , that it seems like these past two years have gone by so quickly in a lot of ways but , at the same time , it feels like Felix has always been with us . It 's hard to imagine life without him in it . Today was a busy , but fantastic day . We decided to throw Felix a ' dinosaur ' birthday party at the park across the road from our house . I was stressing a bit when I woke up this morning because yesterday it was so windy , I felt like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz ! However , when I got out of bed and looked out the window , there were blue skies and it was nice and still . It was still pretty cold , and there was the occasional threatening cloud overhead , but by the time the party came around , the sun peeked through just enough to take the chill off the air . We took Felix 's little plastic slide and his ball pit over to the park , because the playground there is not really suited for little kids . We also emptied his sandpit and transported it across the road and then refilled it ( thanks to Felix 's big brothers ) , and buried plastic dinosaurs in the sand to dig for . We had a dinosaur pinata , and the bigger kids painted some ' dinosaur fossils ' . I carved a watermelon to look like a dinosaur head and filled it with fruit salad , and we had lots of party food . I made a dinosaur birthday cake for Felix , which he thought was pretty good . I loved the look on his face when he saw it for the first time . Felix celebrated the day with twelve of his little friends . He seemed really comfortable with lots of kids running around and with all the noise . He played closely with some of them at different times and didn 't seem scared , which was great . The only time he panicked a little bit was when we tried to get a photo of Sophie , Jacob and Felix ( our three little ones with Down Syndrome ) , all sitting in the ball pit together . I watched as Felix 's face went from a little bit worried , to full blown terror and then tears . Sophie 's Nanna quickly picked him up and he snuggled in to her shoulder until he stopped crying . He recovered pretty quickly and was happily back to playing in a few minutes . After we all sang ' Happy Birthday ' to Felix , he was so excited . He clapped his hands , and then he did the cutest thing . He signed the word ' again ' , because he wanted everyone to sing to him again . A beautiful end to an awesome day ! We had a bit of a family day yesterday . Our daughter , Bekah , came for a short visit which was great . She was able to join in the craziness of the preparations for Felix 's 2nd birthday tomorrow . We chatted while the cupcakes baked , and we filled the pinata and the party bags . It was the crazy chaos I have always loved about our big family . Joel came over and spent some time with his brothers , and Mel and Noah hung out and had a play with Felix , which was pretty cute ! There was a lot of noise and laughter ; just the way I like it ! Felix has adjusted quite nicely to being an Uncle . He 's not afraid of Noah anymore which is good . He has a bit of a bossy air about him when he sees Noah now . It 's almost like he knows that he is the oldest and he has to take control of the situation . He puts things in front of Noah to play with ( or takes them away , if he wants them ) , and watches him out of the corner of his eye to check that he 's happy with what Noah is doing . He sat next to him yesterday and ' read ' a book to him which was really sweet . Noah just watched Felix and smiled at him with his big , beautiful smile . When we took some photos of the kids , later in the day , Noah kept turning his head back to look up at Felix which was adorable . I can 't believe that our gorgeous little man is two years old tomorrow , and what a wonderful two years it has been ! Since that time , at 19 weeks pregnant , when we were told it was suspected that Felix had Down Syndrome , our lives changed forever . The way our lives changed was incredibly beautiful . It may seem strange , but we fell in love with the baby I was carrying even more deeply than we had before . We wanted him so desperately to fight to stay with us ; and he did . He beat all the odds which had been stacked against him and made it safely into the world at 36 weeks exactly . Since then we have made new friends who have become like family , and have met some of the most inspirational children and adults with Down Syndrome . Although a few relationships with friends and family have not survived the addition of a child with Down Syndrome to our family , others have blossomed and grown to be better than they ever were before . We feel like we have a wonderful network of support surrounding us all the time , and their genuine love for Felix is overwhelming . Felix has taught us so much in his two short years . He has shown us that anything is possible , for a person with Down Syndrome , if they are given a chance . He has taught us patience and unconditional love . He amazes us every day with how quickly he learns , and how willing he is to try anything . He has shown us that people with Down Syndrome can be stubborn and bad tempered ( like the rest of us ) , but can also have a hilarious sense of humour and an intoxicating laugh . Felix is my inspiration and I am thankful for him every day . On Tuesday I drove back down to the city ( 4 hours away ) , for the second time in less than a week . Nathan wasn 't able to come with me this time because one of our kids had been sick , so it was just going to be me and the little guy . Thankfully , our soon - to - be daughter in law , Cate , had been here visiting Daniel , so she was able to drive with me . Poor girl , I think I talked her ear off ( my way of staying awake on the drive ) , but it was really nice to spend some time with her and chat about some wedding stuff . It 's all very exciting ! Felix and his little friend , Lilly , both turn two this week so we ( Lilly 's Mum and I ) , decided to have a joint birthday party for them in Adelaide . All their friends from Early Intervention were able to come and share the party with them . It was also a great excuse for all of us Mums to get together for a catch up since we all live so far away from each other . Cate was able to come to the party , as well as my best friend , Deb , and our beautiful girl , Amy . I was excited to be able to introduce them to all the lovely ladies from Early Intervention and show off their gorgeous kids . We had a wonderful afternoon celebrating , not only Felix and Lilly 's two years , but also the lives of all the other kids there . I have so much admiration for these children who , despite so many surgeries and health problems , have the most precious smiles and are so full of life and fun . They are all so beautiful to watch , and it was great to watch them play together and interact . Felix , despite usually being funny around other kids , was totally at ease just like he was last time he was at Early Intervention . It 's pretty obvious to me that he feels very comfortable being around this particular group of kids . He 's too young to understand that he , and the other children , all share an extra chromosome , but his level of comfort with them is very high . It 's like he senses that they all have a common bond . After the party , I got to spend the evening with Deb and another friend , which was so relaxing . We went out for a delicious meal and had coffee and cake after . Felix , despite having a long drive and a big play at his party , was an angel when we were out . He happily ate and drank , and read some books . It was way past his bedtime so he went into an overtired , deliriously happy mood . He wandered around the coffee shop , making friends with people along the way . He was adorable . I 'm so proud of him ; I can only imagine how exhausted he was . Later , I picked up Amy from work and Felix and I went to stay at her place for the night . After a bit of a play on Amy 's bed , and lots of cuddles with her , he fell asleep in his cot . He was one very tired boy ! The next day Amy cooked us a delicious hot breakfast and we headed off for the first of Felix 's appointments . He had to see the Ear , Nose and Throat Specialist at the hospital . They were running a bit behind at the ENT , but I didn 't mind at all because we had a surprise visit from one of the Mum 's from EI with her little boy . He had to have a procedure done later in the day , so she was able to sit with me to pass the time , which was lovely . When Felix was called in , it was a fairly straightforward consult . He is always so good when he 's examined and , once again , sat perfectly for the Doctor while he looked in his ears . It was confirmed that there was definitely fluid in his ears and , with all the previous ear infections , grommets were suggested as the best course of action . His operation has been booked for mid December . After the ENT appointment , we said our Goodbyes to Amy . She is moving interstate on Monday and it 's probably going to be a long time before we see her again . I 'm so glad we got to spend some time together this week . Felix and I then headed off for his next appointment at the Opthamologist . There was a very long wait before he was seen , and I was so thankful I had thought to bring the ipad because it stopped him from getting bored . He needed drops in his eyes to dilate his pupils and , once they were in , we had to wait another twenty minutes until they had worked effectively . The Opthamologist is hoping to go into surgery with Felix when he has his grommets put in his ears , so that she can probe his right tear duct and hopefully unblock it so it stops weeping and getting sticky . She also wants to have a closer look at the Optic nerve in one of his eyes , which she isn 't entirely happy with . We have to wait and see if the ENT surgeon is happy with that or not . She also said he is slightly far sighted and will definitely need glasses later on , but she thinks we can leave it for a little while . Overall , it was a very successful trip and a welcome relief from all the little hiccups of the past week . We arrived home last night thoroughly exhausted . After a great night of rest Felix even slept in , which is pretty unusual for him ; not that I 'm complaining ! ! Ever have one of those weeks ? This week has been one of them . It 's times like this when , if I hadn 't tried to find the bright side , or even a little bit of humour in things , I would probably be a crying mess . I lost my bank card ( just an inconvenience , but it was the first in a chain of events ) . We had to have our beautiful cat put to sleep , which was upsetting for the whole family . I lost my really good camera ; and worse , all the wedding photos I had taken with Felix and the Bride and Groom . We needed accommodation somewhere for tomorrow night , but the whole place is booked out ( another annoying inconvenience ) . The bank has now made a mistake , and I have to wait another week for my new bank card ( difficult when we 've had a lot of travelling and expenses ) . Joshua ( 16 ) has been vomiting all day ( and the first time didn 't make it to the bathroom so I 've been washing and scrubbing all day ) . Finally , tonight we found out that Nathan didn 't get the job he had applied for , which we had all been hoping he 'd get . I really hope the coming week brings us a little bit of good luck ! It 's in moments like this , when it 's best to reflect on all the good things we do have . We have our health , which is something we should never take for granted . I know so many families watching their children fight terminal illness or who are facing complications from surgery . We have 8 very healthy children ( except a tummy bug at the moment ) , and it 's something I am so thankful for . My husband has a good job , as do our three oldest children . The others all do well at school , and Felix 's development is coming along beautifully . We just enjoyed a gorgeous wedding in which Felix did us so proud ! We all have a roof over our heads , and food on our plates . The most important thing we have is each other ; a wonderful , supportive family , who all have so much love for each other . There is an endless supply of good in our lives , but I guess we wouldn 't be human if we didn 't let life get on top of us sometimes ! I certainly feel like it 's a bit on top of me at the moment ! Tomorrow , we have to head back to the city . Felix is going to have a joint birthday party with his little buddy , Lilly ( who is in his Early Intervention group ) , tomorrow . She has just turned two , and Felix will be two on Saturday , so we 're looking forward to having all of our gorgeous kids together for a little celebration . I 'll be taking the opportunity to experiment with my new , and improved , camera ( slightly dulls the pain of losing the other one ! ) On Wednesday , Felix has to see the Ear , Nose and Throat Specialist about getting grommets in his ears . Since we last saw the Specialist , he hasn 't had another ear infection , but we think it 's because we stopped taking him to swimming lessons . It will be interesting to see what they say on Wednesday . I would love to be able to take him back to the pool so hopefully , if he has the grommets , we 'll be able to get back into it . Following the ENT appointment , Felix has to see the Opthamologist . He hasn 't had any issues with his eyes so far , but the Opthamologist wants to have a better look at them with a machine she has in her offices in the city . When she travels to the country to see Felix , she only has limited tools to work with and isn 't able to bring any of her other equipment . The MRI of Felix 's optic nerves showed a minor difference between the two of them , so it 's yet to be known whether or not it will cause him any problems in future . A lot of kids with Down Syndrome require glasses for different problems relating to their vision . I 'm definitely expecting that Felix will need glasses eventually because 6 out of 7 of his siblings , and his Daddy , all wear glasses . I 'm just hoping it won 't be until he 's a little bit older because I have no idea how we would keep them on his face without him pulling them off ! We have a busy week ahead . I 'm going to try and stay positive and look forward to lots of good things . Tomorrow , after all , is a new day : ) We have just got home from a very busy , very beautiful and very emotional couple of days in Adelaide . We had the privilege of being a part of the wedding of two of our friends . Felix had been asked to be a Page Boy for them . We felt very honoured and proud and have been looking forward to their wedding day for a long time . Yesterday was the big day ! Felix looked absolutely adorable in his little suit and tie , and I felt so emotional when I looked at him walking around all dressed up . All those memories of my pregnancy , and the uncertainty about whether or not he would survive came flooding back as I looked at our perfect little man ; healthy , happy and completely gorgeous ! To say I felt thankful , would be an understatement . I felt an overwhelming love and pride for Felix in that moment and I will be eternally grateful that Felix fought as hard as he did to stay with us . Felix 's role in the wedding was to walk down the aisle , with his little ring pillow ( with Nathan holding his hand ) . Even though he did it perfectly the night before at the rehearsal , I was so nervous that he would completely freak out when the church was full of people on the day . I realised very quickly that there was no reason to be nervous . When the music started , Felix started walking perfectly down the aisle . He stopped every now and again to look up at the person standing nearest to him , on the end of the aisle . The smiles on everyone 's faces said it all . There were ' Ooooh 's ' and ' Aaaah 's ' coming from all over the place as they watched this tiny little person lead the bridal party down the aisle . I had tears burning in my eyes . He did such a wonderful job ! The whole wedding was beautiful . The bride was stunning and the Groom looked fantastic . You could feel the love between the two of them and it was really special . We all went down to the local beach for the professional photos and I took a ton of them with my camera as well . I have never seen the sky look so amazing . There was rain in the distance but it was really warm and still , so it was perfect for photos . I had a look through the back of my camera afterwards and was absolutely thrilled with the moments I had managed to capture . After the photos , we took Felix back to my parent 's house for the night . He had been such a little soldier all day , but was exhausted by the time we got there . He happily went to Granny for cuddles after his pajamas were on , and didn 't worry at all when we left for the wedding reception . The reception venue was beautiful . It was decorated with special touches put together , with so much care , by the gorgeous bride . The speeches were some of the most heartfelt I have ever heard and I would be surprised if there was a dry eye in the house . I 'm so thankful we were part of their special day . Unfortunately for Nathan and I , the end of the night was a bit of a downer . Twenty minutes after getting out of our taxi we realised we had left our camera , with all of our wedding photos , in the taxi . We immediately called the taxi company , who contacted the driver , but the camera is gone . We both felt really upset when we realised what we had lost . The camera didn 't matter , but the wedding photos were irreplaceable . There were precious moments we captured , of the bride and groom with Felix ( which weren 't taken by the professional photographer ) , and it was pretty heartbreaking to realise they were gone . As we lay down to sleep last night , we realised that there was nothing we could do ; being upset was not going to help us find the camera . It was gone but it was OK . We knew there were professional pictures taken , which will be amazing , I 'm sure . We 'll just have to be patient and wait to see them . This morning we went and bought a new camera . We dressed Felix up in his suit again and went down to the exact spot we had been the day before , for the wedding photos . It was freezing cold and windy ; the complete opposite of yesterday , but I did the best I could to take some new ones of Felix . Sadly , the photos are missing the bride and groom , and the bridal party , but I think you 'll agree that they are certainly better than nothing . I think we have one pretty handsome little page boy ! I won 't be able to do my blog for the next couple of days , because it 's going to be a busy weekend with Felix in our friend 's wedding . Stay tuned for some cute photos of him all decked out in his suit . I think this Mummy is going to have a few proud tears over the weekend ! I just picked up Felix 's suit for the wedding on Saturday . He 's going to look SO cute ! Even though he will be two in a week , he only fits in a size 00 suit ; it 's so tiny ( just like he is ) . He 's also got some soft soled black shoes which tie up with a ribbon . He practised walking in them up and down the hallway today . He thought he was a bit special with little shoes on his feet . I 'm still not convinced that he will be cooperative on the day , but I 'm open to being surprised by him taking it all in his stride . Today , the bigger boys stayed home from school because they were upset . We had to have our much loved cat , Brutus , put to sleep last night because he was struggling to breathe . He was getting old and had got quite skinny over the past few months , but to see him like that last night was upsetting for all of us . The boys had a chance to say their goodbyes and we took some photos of them all with him before we took him to the vet . He will be missed by all of us . Personally , I think our animals are an important part of Felix 's therapy . In his first year Felix would push himself to crawl so he could get as close to Brutus as he was able to . Brutus would then move a bit further away , and Felix would continue to drag himself across the floor to get to him . Eventually Felix got too fast and Brutus gave in to the inevitable , and just lay there and let Felix pat him and pull him and , in recent times , sit right on top of him . He was very patient with him . Felix learnt how to be gentle , and we taught him how Brutus liked to be patted . One of the very first words he signed was ' cat ' because of all the time he spent with Brutus , followed closely by ' dog ' because our house is full of them too . I don 't think Felix would have learnt to do some things as quickly as he did if it wasn 't for our animals . He wants to be able to keep up with them , so they encourage him to keep pushing forward with his physical development . Felix and Brutus were good buddies and Felix will miss his little friend . Felix was a bit grumpy today ; maybe he sensed that we were all feeling sad , but he 's also on the verge of getting sick . He seemed a bit unwell yesterday so we took him to the Doctor , and everything pointed to the beginning of a viral infection ( swollen glands and a bit off his food ) . We 've got fingers crossed that it won 't develop into anything nasty , especially with the wedding coming up in a couple of days . As I 've mentioned before , kids with Down Syndrome can often go from slightly unwell , to really sick within days and Winter is the most dreaded season . Felix was well and truly ready for bed tonight and was asleep within seconds of laying in his cot . Hopefully when he wakes up tomorrow he 'll be happy and healthy , and ready for a five hour car trip . Wow ! Felix has just had a massive learning spurt ! It 's like he went to bed overnight and woke up with a brain full of ideas and new knowledge . He has done so many things today that we have never seen him do before ! This morning , we went through our usual ritual of feeding Felix his porridge , while we have a cup of tea and watch the morning news . One news story was talking about some people who were missing after their boat capsized in the ocean . The reporter mentioned that they were sending in the Search and Rescue helicopter to help with the search . Felix turned around and looked at us , and casually signed ' helicopter ' and then turned back towards the TV . What was really great , was that he hadn 't seen a picture of the helicopter ; he had just heard the word mentioned in amongst a news story . It was enough to make him think , " Oh cool . . . a helicopter ! " After his breakfast , Felix wanted to play on his ipad . I can 't begin to tell you how fantastic the ipad has been for his fine motor skills . This morning , we really noticed how quickly he has learnt to use it . Instead of just banging it randomly with his fingers and opening a whole bunch of different applications , like he did initially , he now looks for a while and decides which application he wants to open . When he has opened it , he knows exactly what to do . In one of his music apps , he uses his ' pointer ' finger to carefully touch each key on the piano to hear the different sounds . When he wants to use a different instrument , he knows where the ' home ' icon is , so he presses it and then scrolls the page across until he finds the one he wants , and touches that one . Later in the afternoon , I watched Felix pick up his wooden hoops ( the ones which are different sizes , starting with big at the bottom and small on the top ) , and put them on the stand . The holes in the middle are quite small , and I have never seen him be able to put them on the stand unless he 's had a lot of help . Today he sat there and put one on after the other as easily as anything ! They weren 't in the correct order , but he managed to put every single hoop on in a matter of a minute . Another thing Felix played with today was his baby DUPLO ( left over from his older siblings ; I don 't think you can buy it any more ) . The blocks are round instead of square and are designed to be much easier to put together . That being said , Felix has never been able to put more than two of them together at a time . Today he built a tower five blocks high . I made a house out of some of the blocks and handed him some DUPLO people to put in the house . He very easily put the people where he wanted them to go , and even swapped some of them around , very deliberately , until they were all where he wanted them to be . We bought Felix a cheap , little plastic table and a couple of chairs yesterday . He thinks it 's great to have a set which is just his size and has been busily climbing up and down off them today . Isaiah ( 14 ) , being the ' mother hen ' that he is , was worried he was going to fall head first onto the floor on several occasions , so was watching him very carefully . I gave Felix a book and some chunky pencils to do some drawing while he was sitting up there . It 's the longest I have ever seen him focus on drawing . He gestured to Isaiah to draw something , and then he would colour it with his pencils . Even after Isaiah had moved on to play something a little more grown up , Felix still sat there happily drawing on his book ( and the table ) , for ages . I love watching him concentrate ; he sticks the tiniest bit of his tongue out of the corner of his mouth when he draws . It 's so cute ! Probably the biggest shock to us today was that Felix pretty much walked everywhere . He 's been walking now for a couple of months , but he 's still stuck to the security of walking in between objects and people . Today , he walked into rooms , up the hallway , and just generally wandered everywhere . I hardly saw him crawl at all ; it was very exciting . Who knows ? Maybe he will be able to walk down the aisle at the wedding on Saturday ? I know other parents , of kids with Down Syndrome , have had similar experiences with their children 's learning . It seems like our kids plateau for a while sometimes , and don 't seem to do too many new things , then all of a sudden they have a huge burst of learning , and totally blow us away with what they can do . They are constantly learning , but sometimes they do so many new things all at the same time it 's just amazing ! Our little guy is incredible ; he is so clever and we are so proud : ) I would like to say a huge ' Congratulations ' to a couple of people I have met online , who have just given birth to babies with Down Syndrome . Welcome to the family ! I know you are still feeling like you are on an emotional rollercoaster . You are grieving the child you thought you were carrying , and are adjusting to this new little one , who is not quite what you expected . That is perfectly normal ! ! Take all the time you need to grieve and cry ; to get angry and do whatever you need to do . Be assured that the love for your little one will grow over time , until it is all consuming and overwhelming ! You will love that baby more than you ever thought possible ; and that little one will adore you . It may be difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel , but it is there . When you are ready , please reach out to those of us who have been through what you are going through now . We have all handled things differently , and no two of our stories are exactly the same , but we are here to support you and help you through . That precious little baby will change your life in such a beautiful way ! I 've had a couple of conversations , recently , with some people who are expecting babies . We have talked about the screening test for Down Syndrome , currently being used , which gives you a ' risk factor ' as to whether or not the baby you are carrying is more , or less , likely to have Down Syndrome . Both of these people had chosen to have the blood screen . What is really beautiful about the conversations , is that these parents had already decided , prior to the blood test , that they would be accepting of their baby having Down Syndrome , if that was the case . One is an older Mum ( early forties ) , and one is a young couple , expecting their first baby . They have both expressed that , since knowing Felix , they don 't have a fear of Down Syndrome any more . They can see that he is a beautiful little boy , who brings so much joy and so much love . I feel thankful that Felix 's life is being used to show others that , just because life sometimes takes an unexpected turn and a baby is born with Down Syndrome , it doesn 't mean your life is over . It just means that you will take a slightly different path than the one you were walking before . There can be some obstacles along that path , but the views are breathtaking ! ! It 's funny how life takes twists and turns . Some are very subtle and you barely notice them , and others are life altering changes which smack you in the face and turn everything upside down . I 've written before about the fear I had , during my first 7 pregnancies , of having a child with Down Syndrome . I don 't know why Down Syndrome was the specific thing I chose to fixate on ; I mean , there are so many other things which can happen to a baby during it 's development . Many things , some would say , are much ' worse ' than Down Syndrome . Maybe because I had noticed people with Down Syndrome , because of their physical attributes ? I 'm not really sure why . It grieves me now to say that people with Down Syndrome used to frighten me ! Fast forward another ten years and there I was , in the Ultrasound room , being told it looked like my baby had Down Syndrome . Strangely , that was OK . Yes it did turn our lives upside down , but I have never been more thankful for one of life 's twists ! Our lives feel so full now . Yes , there are Doctor 's appointments and blood tests . I 've never been on first - name basis with Physiotherapists or Speech Pathologists before , and certainly never had a Paediatrician 's number in my mobile phone , but I wouldn 't change our lives for anything in the world . Felix is just what we needed ; a tiny little person who keeps us grounded and teaches us lessons in patience and wonder every day . Nathan and I were talking the other day , and both of us agree that we can barely remember life before Felix . It 's only been just over 2 years since his diagnosis ( at 19 weeks pregnant ) , but it 's been the most meaningful couple of years of our lives . Yesterday I was at the supermarket , unloading my huge trolley full of food onto the checkout . I heard a young man say something to me , and turned to see a guy in his mid - twenties giving me a huge smile . He struck up a conversation with me , letting me know that he was being careful to keep an eye on where my shopping ended , and where his Dad 's shopping started . Years ago , I would have tried really hard not to make eye contact with this man , or maybe would have smiled politely and moved as quickly as I could to get out of the supermarket , just because of his intellectual disability . Why ? I don 't really know . Maybe it is a fear of the unknown . I could never be sure . Yesterday , however , I was sad when I had to leave . We had been having a great conversation about everything from Hot Wheels cars , to whether or not the PS3 or XBox was a better console ( He assured me the PS3 is the best ! ) . He was a lovely young man , and I bet his family are very proud of him . Thanks Felix for choosing to come into our family ; you have opened my eyes to all of the beautiful people I had never allowed myself to know before you came along ! ! You have made me a better person and I will be forever grateful ! When we woke up this morning , the sun was shining so we decided to take Felix and one of the dogs down to the beach for a play . Out of our three dogs , we chose to take our biggest one with us . Atlas is a 17 month old Bullmastiff and , although he is getting huge , he is so gentle with Felix . We can let him off the lead and he will stay next to us ; he 's such a good boy . Felix thought it was great that Atlas was in the back of the car , and he kept craning his neck back as far as he could to try and see him . He loves the dogs ! It was too cold to go in the water , but Felix was very happy to dig with his spade and fill up his bucket with sand . He 's very enthusiastic with the sand , and ended up with it all through his hair , over his clothes and in his mouth . Atlas ran up and back across the sand , but always slowed himself right down by the time he got to Felix and then sat himself down next to him . Felix gave him lots of pats , and even though he tried really hard to encourage Atlas to lick him on the face ( by leaning towards him to kiss his mouth ) , Atlas was very good and didn 't do it . I wish all of our dogs were that well behaved . After we had a bit of a play on the sand , we went for a walk up the beach . Nathan carried Felix , who was getting a bit tired , and he enjoyed snuggling up on Daddy 's shoulder . It will be great when Felix is walking more confidently so he can walk with us . I know he 'll enjoy helping to walk the dogs and having a run on the beach himself . He takes a few cautious steps on the sand , but it 's still a bit tricky when the sand is so soft under his feet . It 's only six more days now until he is a Page Boy in our friend 's wedding , so it will be interesting to see how he navigates the aisle . Will he walk , or crawl , or just lay down with his face to the floor and refuse to move ? Watch this space ! ! Isaiah called out to us earlier to , ' come quick ! ' He was laughing so much , but we didn 't get to the room in time . He explained to us that Felix had picked up a little DUPLO man and carefully put it on the back of his little ride - on elephant rocker . He then climbed on the elephant and gave the little man a ride . When he was finished , he turned around , picked up the little man and then threw him across the room . I guess his ride was over ! ! Such a funny little person , our Felix ! Later in the afternoon I went into the lounge room to find Felix , sitting on Isaiah 's lap , with a Playstation controller in his hands . He was staring intently at the TV , pressing the buttons and moving the controller up and down . He was convinced that it was him who was controlling the movement on the game . He sat there for a really long time , concentrating hard on what he thought he was doing . The Playstation is a bit of a ' bonding ' thing with our boys . Even though a couple of the older boys live away from home , the younger boys will play online against them and still have that contact with each other . Modern technology is pretty amazing like that . Felix is in training already ; with five older brothers they 'll be having him playing against them as soon as he 's old enough to work the controller ! ! Today we made a ' sheet fort ' ( or a ' sheet cubby ' ) for him in our bedroom . We draped a big queen sized sheet across the top of some of our furniture and put a few books and toys inside of it . He thought it was brilliant ! Nathan climbed in there with him and the two of them played for ages . Felix alternated between sitting quietly , reading his books or playing with his cars , to laughing hysterically as he stood up and touched the ' roof ' or looked out from under the ' walls ' . He stayed inside his ' fort ' even when we had got busy doing other things , and it kept him entertained for a really long time . I have a feeling building a ' sheet fort ' is going to become a regular thing . Bath time is another opportunity for a fun play and we always try and make the most of it . We have nights where we add extra bubbles and make bubble hats and bubble beards . Felix has had a gelli - baff ( a product which makes the water turn semi - solid like jelly ) , and I have also added food colouring to the water to make a coloured bath . Note : Don 't use yellow food colouring because it just looks like toilet water ! Yuk ! Tonight , Isaiah watched Felix while I got his pajamas ready . Felix loves it when one of his brothers give him a bath , and the boys usually end up almost as wet as him , because he gets extra excited and splashes more than usual . He always has to look at himself in the mirror after his bath because he has a towel with a hood on it , with lion 's ears , and he thinks he looks pretty awesome ! After his bath tonight , it was dress up time . Felix loves Nathan 's Police hat and likes putting it on his own head and then putting it on Daddy 's head . He 's not terribly gentle about the way he puts it on Nathan 's head , so poor Daddy gets lots of whacks on the face in the process . Felix has a fascination with the bird on the badge on all of Nathan 's uniforms and always points at it and signs ' bird ' . His sign for bird is so cute because he has such little fingers . He does it so delicately like he 's talking about a really tiny bird . One of the sweetest times of the day with Felix is bedtime ( 7pm ) . He has always been so easy to put to bed and we all enjoy his kisses and cuddles before we put him in his cot . He happily says goodnight to everyone and then giggles when we hand him his favourite stuffed toys . He often sits up and blows us kisses as we walk out of his room and shut the door . That 's the last we hear from him until the morning , when we hear him playing through the baby monitor . He 's so precious ! After the success of yesterday , with Felix playing so beautifully in a room full of people , today was a bit of a disaster . Felix had been asleep for 3 1 / 2 hours this afternoon when his little friend , Jacob , came over with his Mum , to play . I decided to go and wake Felix up because it was nearly 3pm and he had been asleep for so long already . As soon as he saw that we had visitors , he clung to my neck like a little monkey and wouldn 't let go . Poor Jacob ; Felix wasn 't much fun to play with . I tried to put him in his high chair to have something to eat , and he got really distressed and cried and cried until I lifted him out again . I went to put him in there a few minutes later and the same thing happened . I have never actually seen him like that before so it was quite upsetting . Maybe he wasn 't ready to wake up yet ? Rachel and Jacob stayed for about an hour and as soon as they left , he wolfed down his lunch and then crawled off to play . It 's all a little bit strange and hopefully just a stage he 's going through . Yesterday , at Down Syndrome South Australia , was really special on so many levels . The sense of belonging was just incredible . To know that each and every person there shares a common bond through our children is such a great feeling . Morning tea was served by three young adults with Down Syndrome . They did such a beautiful job of making sure everyone had plenty to eat . One of the boys had a plate of cakes , and the other was handing out serviettes for us to wipe our hands . They were both quiet and shy , but had the most gorgeous smiles , and looked to be really enjoying helping feed the masses . The girl , who was also serving , was so much fun . She kept teasing Amy , which was hilarious . She was so confident and looked completely at ease socialising with everyone . It 's such a joy to watch the older kids and have a tiny glimpse into Felix 's future . I forgot to mention that Nathan was able to make it for the end of Early Intervention yesterday . He really enjoyed being able to watch Felix in his element , playing and laughing . He got there in time for some singing , and I could tell , by Felix 's face , that he was pretty excited to have his Daddy there . I was glad Nathan had a chance to have a look around the Early Intervention room and meet some of the other parents and kids . He picked a good day , because there were quite a few Dads there yesterday which was great . After the songs , our Early Intervention Coordinator , started up a bubble machine which created thousands of bubbles . It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen ; massive smiles on all of the children 's faces , as they watched the bubbles float above their heads . Some of them were jumping up to try and touch them , and others sat , amazed , looking up as high as they could . They were just a bunch of kids enjoying what any other kids their age would love . The only thing different was that they all have Down Syndrome . Personally , I have never seen a more beautiful sea of faces . Just perfect ! Felix had the best day today ! We decided to drive down to Adelaide yesterday so we could go to Early Intervention at Down Syndrome South Australia today . It was the last group for the term , so it was a little celebration with all the kids who have attended throughout the term . We have only been able to attend about 3 or 4 times all year because we live so far away , so it was wonderful to feel so welcomed and included today . Most of the kids are aged between birth and four years old and are so unbelievably gorgeous ! I just wanted to snuggle them all ! The strangest thing about today was Felix 's behaviour . I have been struggling so much to get him to interact with other children and not be frightened of them , but today he was totally at ease as soon as we arrived at Early Intervention . The room was noisy and crowded with parents and children , but he had a permanent smile on his face and laughed and had so much fun . He interacted with other children even when they sat close to him and touched him . He also walked a lot , which he doesn 't usually do in a room full of people . I couldn 't believe my eyes ! It made the day so enjoyable for both of us and it was so beautiful to see Felix relaxed and enjoying himself . It was almost as though Felix had a sense of belonging and it was the most precious thing to watch . Another special part of today was that our eldest daughter , Amy , was able to come and spend the two hours with us at EI . Felix was really excited to see her and gave her so many cuddles . Amy hadn 't seen Felix walk before , so she loved being able to see him toddling around . It was beautiful to see the smile on her face as Felix entertained her with all of his hilarious antics . He may only be a tiny little 9kg ( 19 . 8lb ) boy , but his personality is certainly huge , and Amy loves it ! She does stand - up comedy fairly regularly , and we always say that she and Felix will have to team up for a comedy show when he 's a bit older . Amy thinks that would be fun , but is pretty certain that Felix would upstage her . I think she could be right ! Our other daughter , Bekah , made it for the last few minutes of EI , so she got to have a bit of a play with Felix as well . He loves his sisters and even though he doesn 't see them often , he doesn 't hesitate to throw himself into their arms as soon as he sees them . Our family may be spread out all over the place now that the older kids have left home , but the connection and love is still there just as strongly as ever . We 're so thankful for that . I had the opportunity today to speak to lots of other parents and enjoyed hearing about how their kids are progressing . It 's really exciting to share the pride we have for our children , with each other , and celebrate milestones together . It 's also great to be able to pick up bits of information from others which might be helpful for Felix . I came home with a list of fantastic apps for the ipad , a brand new laminator to make some flashcards ( thanks to the lovely Catherine ) , some more information on signing and some new communication tools . I 'm so thankful for the wonderful people we have come to know since having Felix ; they have become like family to us . Thank you all for a brilliant day ! I 'm a proud Mum to 8 amazing children . My youngest son , Felix , has Down syndrome . I am passionate about raising awareness and increasing acceptance of people with Down syndrome . I feel privileged to have Felix in my life and have learned , and are continuing to learn , so much from this incredible little person .

with men and boys and also much drinking . It was natural , with such influences around me to grow up wild . I took the stand that I must fight my way died a few years ago of heart trouble . My step - father and step - mother have passed away many years ago . My step - father met a horrible death at a coal City , and lived with her relatives for a while . She received help from her husband to pay her expenses . Then it stopped . About this time she gave birth to a son and as I had to go to work in the mines with my stepfather . My stepfather could not read or write . He was a native of Wales and followed coal passed away with a heart attack , aged 81 years . His wife died 12 years before him . Henry lived a clean life and never got into trouble ; neither did he arrived just as the crash occurred . After the coal dust settled , I noticed one body lying near by . His name was COX , a one - legged man . Only a wide leather belt was around his rocks just behind the P . R . Railroad Depot . The two dollars which I had saved in Wadesville came in handy now . My cousin , James , brought bread and sausage I realized soon that I must find work , as my board bill must be paid . My cousin James was about my age . He had worked , driving a mule in a coal mining was by contract , either by yardage or by tonnage . So much per yard or so much per ton . I have always preferred to mine by contract . throw SHANKLIN , who was larger and heavier than I and somewhat of a bully . I threw him . He got angry and struck my companion full in the face . Then , I struck him in the face as my come on and get even with me , but he did not . He swore a great deal and then quieted down . I had to watch him closely . He had no right to strike my companion . I was the one he should have struck . plays , but I decided to go one night . When I arrived at my boarding house , I found the door locked . After a few minutes of thinking , I came to had eaten we would retire to the second floor . I had no opportunity to see who the young lady was . One day I caught a glimpse of her as she was day , I walked to Lynnhurst Cemetery in Knoxville where she now rests . My memory goes back to those happy days . As I stood alone by the mausoleum , my memory children and used kraut with every meal . We would both smile when the odor would be unusually strong . We lived here only a few months , then found a the union . I told them that I did . Get in line , they said . I knew it was useless not to . They gathered all miners standing around and placed both elbows to his side and began shooting rapidly . There was no need to aim . We stood so close together . Every shot found its mark . After every shot we could hear cries of " Oh ! Oh ! " . A large man on my left a private home and rented an upstairs room . We could earn three dollars a day each . We could live on less than twenty dollars for both each month . one of our party who was a fine looking man , died by poisoning . He was too fond of whiskey and women . He had a wife in Mahanoy City , but could not have him no other woman should . As far as I know nothing was done to the woman . It was a sad Mrs . WILLIAMS who returned to by taking a short walk up the street near the depot in Buffalo . The streets were lighted in some places . There had been a heavy fall of snow . The snow was piled high on either side of the crowded with Italians , emigrants going West with their wives and children . I had never before seen so many of them . They were in strange costumes . Men with heavy red sashes tied around their hurriedly up to where we were standing . I noticed that he kept both of his hands in his overcoat pockets . It was not very cold . THOMPSON introduced us . I did not like his face . I noticed the sign of coal dust in the corners looked toward the place he pointed out . With me the sight was wonderful . Peak upon peak kept rising higher and higher , all snow - capped . The more you looked at them , the more you Next morning was Sunday . I met two men from Missouri . They were large and heavy built . They also headed for Leadville . We agreed to go together and walk all the which appeared to only be a few miles away . At that time I did not know that rarefied air deceives you . It makes objects seem so much closer than and they said it was to keep the evil one away . My age was now about twenty - five years . These were the first Chinese I ever saw . Their peculiar dress and appearance were strange to me . Their camp light . My boots were also light . I was getting a whole lot of experience . Many of the men were rough and drunk . It was my good luck to meet a man there who heavy enough for this snowy country . There is not a place nearer than Denver to buy them . I can help you . " He looked around and found a coffee sack and and we were to follow in their tracks . We started but could not see the front of the line nor the end . I noticed all of them had blankets over their some distance down we could hear the storm still roaring above us . As far as I know we all got over safely . We were traveling now with less effort . The lower altitude made breathing easier . The snow was two feet deep . This was now being packed on top of snow that to stake it by placing light logs in form as if you were going to build . This would hold a lot for six days . By that time you were supposed to make some I noticed a man loading a pack on a burro . As I stood by , a hand was placed on my shoulder . I turned to see who it was and the man said , against it now looking for work of some kind . He had only been here a few days . Had just come from Texas and had had bad luck there by fire which burned and the other by way of the Colorado River . " All around , the scenery was wonderful . Mountains were covered with snow . At the foot of the mountains , there was a operated , prospecting for ore was profitable . Some of them had found paying ore . Many claims had been staked out . A claim was 1500 feet by 500 feet , all Government land . My partner , Frank BRISBANE57 , decided that we would prospect on the other that mineral would be found in that place . Snow was several feet deep everywhere . We just took a chance and sank a shaft down 65 feet . No sign of mineral was found . My partner BRISBANE began to complain and was of the mountain I could take them off and carry them with me . I rose early the next morning . The sun was shining and I saw it would be a going until I reached the foot of the mountain . I started to climb slowly . Breathing was difficult in that high altitude . The higher I went , the more difficult it was moving for all was pure white around them . After eight hours of climbing , I reached the top of the peak . I would not look around until I got my breathing right , then I stood up on my feet . I felt something give way at the very bottom of my lungs . Then I felt it roll up in my throat . I spat it down at my feet . It was three small dry balls of anthracite looked to me like a small mound of snow . I went to it , brushed the snow off with my foot and found ore . It looked like dark iron ore . Someone had been there before me and dug it the 1841 census for Blaina , Aberystruth , Monmouthshire , Wales . The entire family immigrated to the USA between 1842 and 1850 . Richard and Margaret also had a son , Thomas , night we discussed the situation around us . As he was the oldest , I let him take the lead . We decided to go down Eagle River for one day and the snow continued to fall heavily . The wind was moaning in the tops of the trees . I did not feel any bitter cold . All our walking was done in silence . At times I felt like leaving him , knowing might come to a place where trees had been recently cut down . Snow was still falling , now more slowly . Suddenly I thought I saw a flash of light approached the cabin , found the door and knocked . A voice said , " Hello ! Who 's there ? " I answered that I was lost in the snow storm and wanted to know my way to DUNN 's Tent . I did not expect him to open the door and let me in and he did not . He told me that trees were newly barked 5 was and that I was hungry and tired . They let me in and warmed some coffee and biscuits . I soon felt strong again . I told them that my partner , Bill JAMES and of the road , I noticed four newly covered graves with no marking . Later on we met other prospectors . We asked them about the new graves . They told us that some young bucks or Indians wanted to hire a man to work in a well . He said he did and he spoke to me about dynamite . I told him I was used to handling it . He showed me the well and it had a windlass morning I commenced to chop the wood for him . It was snowing but not cold ; at least I did not feel the cold . I can remember the day well . I felt good and strong . My lung power was fine in that high sounded good for my appetite was very keen . I took my place at the dinner table with the other men . I had plenty of boiled beef and beans , just sister came in smiling with a large pan full of ginger cake just baked . It smelled good . He cut it in blocks or squares . Mr . LLOYD said , " Let 's eat " , and we sleeping soundly in the cabin when I heard a voice calling me . " Ho , FRANCIS . " It woke me up . I felt at once that there was something wrong pulled up on the drum by horse - power - very slowly hoisting . A wood fire was burning near . We moved him to it ; took off his rubber coat them and a large hole just above his right hip could be seen . Blood was flowing from his side . JAMES was a strong man in the prime of his to go to work at the shaft by seven o ' clock a . m . It was a one man shift . It was important that I should be on time and fell down the shaft 260 feet and struck JAMES . He failed to close the trap door . I worked until three o ' clock , the end of my shift . I felt badly about my partner , JAMES . I hurried to my cabin , cleaned up a bit . I had only the one suit that I worked in . her , " I have a partner , " and she withdrew . The play was now beginning . I was getting interested in the acting . There were no dull minutes . When an actress pleased the audience there smiled and said , " A fine show , ain 't it ? " I said , " Yes . " With that she sat down in my lap . She began to pet and smiled some more . She was real young and nice looking . She had on a light gauzy dress and looked as about the uncertainty of health and life . I decided that I ought to have another partner . I had a half brother74 a few years younger than myself who was a coal miner in Mahanoy City , Pennsylvania . I sent for him to come to Leadville . I sent him a tracing to show him how to find my cabin on Stray Horse " Let me go up . It is too wet . I ma getting weak and can 't work . " I signaled to the man on top to hoist slowly , about timbering , to make the shaft smaller . It was now seven o ' clock in the morning . I stepped into the bucket and I was lowered down to the place 150 feet told me that both of them were loaded . He told me that both of them were loaded and ready for use . Again I asked him for what purpose ; and he half - brother , Tom , to arrive in Leadville . At certain times , I would go down to Leadville and look around . Rough men , fully armed , hung around dance were macadamized . 78 All this time I was looking him over . I judged him to be about 35 years old . He did not look like a slicker nor a miner . While he was speaking , I noticed three young hand full of circulars and put them up at the half - way house ? You have to pass it on your way . I 'll pay you two dollar for it . Then I asked him what he was advertising . He said things that miners like in their pay two dollars easy money to you , ain 't that all right ? I said to him , " No , it isn 't . " With that I turned to him . " You are fooling your time away with me working and also told him of the conditions of the shaft . We were working with guns lying around . Tom thought it best for me to quit . He said those fellows working below may come heads lying close together as if they had been slaughtered . The bones were perfectly dry . I could see buffalo trails all around . Should you walk on the trail going down it surely make a strike in that new territory . I felt like it was a good chance for me . I was in good condition and strong enough to go anywhere . Once I crossed over the mountains , there and lived in a tent on top of the shaft . Their names were CLARK . 80 They were hard men to work for . We heard that they could not hold their men clean up the shaft before six o ' clock when the day shift would come on . Tom shouted down to me to come up . I was getting to feel badly from the hot shaft and worked on up to the spring of 1880 . Then we decided that we ought to take a trip to Pennsylvania . So we went down to Leadville and bought new quickly and met him half way in the cabin . I said to him , " Don 't you make a pass at me . If you do I will make it hot for day Tom received a letter from Pennsylvania . After reading it I could see he was disturbed . I asked him what the trouble was . He then told me that he had been going with a not look at it in that way , but Tom was stubborn . At last he agreed to go back and investigate . I also told him that the first thing he miners , came to see me one month after . They were angry at the way Tom was treating Carrie . I told them that I felt that way also . They even said that they would go out west his father and brother whom he had never seen . He wanted me to go with him , but at that time I could not go . Arthur made the trip and wrote me that middle letter to his name , the letter F , a few years back . F meant Francis . We corresponded for some years . He came to Knoxville to see me , then on his the laws were about to be passed that would lower the value of silver . So the silver mine was not taken up . Mr . J . W . WILLIAMS hired Tom to look for a coal miners were leaving Mahanoy City for Washington territory . I also thought of making a change again . Work was slowing down again . Wages then were $ 10 . 20 per week for skilled who married Margaret HEMBREE , born Apr 1891 in KY . Dover died between 1920 and 1927 . They had children : Gwendolyn , Emily , and Dover , Jr . son , William Thomas LEWIS , born May 1890 in KY . Mary ( Jeffries ) LEWIS died before 1900 . Walter T . LEWIS died 26 Oct 1912 in Whitley Co . , KY . 1870 and 1880 censuses for Mahanoy City , PA . He was the son of George WYNN and Ann JOHN . He immigrated to the USA in 1868 . He settled in Campbell Co . , TN , in an area found a place to stay at Mr . PHILLIPS ' home . Mr . PHILLIPS was a mine foreman . A home had been built for the LEWIS family and as soon as they placed lived there for fourteen years and both of them had died in that time . Mr . LEWIS was first to pass away . Both of them were buried in Mahanoy City , where two sons , Tom and David , were buried . David was crushed in the coal mines . Tom died from a serious cold . Their graves have markers all in one lot . Jellico and died there from a severe cold . He was buried at Williamsburg , Kentucky . He was reliable and perfectly honest . Many times have we talked together in and around the mines . He loved to sing Welsh hymns , songs he his knife in his hand and going to cut his guts out . " " Go on and shave me " , I said . " I can 't " , he said , " I 'm " I 'm going to leave this wild town . " As I lay in the chair , he began to lather my cheek again . He had done this several time before , trying rang out , fired slowly as if at an object , sounding close by . Then it became very quiet again . At last the barber finished shaving me . I was told that he left town the following where many of the fights occurred , when a shot rang out . Many men rushed out of the door way . In a short while , some few of them returned we would leave and go into the house . When he reached the gate , he stopped and looked fiercely at us . Then he rested his gun on the gate post and though he would fire he told him to leave . MALCOLM turned to me and wanted his gun . I told him he could have his gun back in a few days . He left swearing and saying he would go to in the hollow where the Italians lived . I got my gun and called LEWIS and WYNN . They told me a crowd was shooting to make the Italians leave . I said , " Let 's go and stop " What are you trying to do ? " The shooting and yelling was still going on . I did not go direct to the cabins . I went up the incline which was 600 feet long some because they fired a volley up the incline . I could hear the Italians ' voices . I walked right into their cabins . Some of them could speak a little Kentucky , who had recently moved into the camp . He told me he heard shooting and had just got here . I knew he was lying . Later on I had some trouble with him . I stayed with the Italians for one hour . I told them that the shooting was over , that were all preparing to leave for Cincinnati . I knew it would be useless to try to persuade them to stay . They were not miners . The coal seemed thin and hard to mine with those who did not move quickly out of his way . I stood still as he came toward me . There was ample room for him to pass by . Instead of that he leaned over toward me . He gave me a slight push . I kept quiet , but up at the tough and tried to talk to him . The tough cursed and told him to shut up or he would kill him . He jumped down off the platform on the that moment all the other Italians came to his rescue . A large crowd had gathered . I also went to give help . I jumped down off the platform and placed my and wanted to know who I was and where did I come from . I told him I am here now . Then he would slowly back away from me . I kept up close to him so I could look into make a big noise , so I turned from him and walked away a short distance . He began cursing loudly and yelling . I knew that he was doing it for my benefit . Suddenly I turned back , but he had now left a ladder by the side of the car , to the top and then came down . It was now getting slightly dark . Just as he placed his feet on the platform he at me . I told him yes . I asked him what the man 's name was . He told me it was MUSTERN . " He thought you would run from him " , half way on the road , but he did not show up . But he did come back to the mine again . Men about the mine knew there would be trouble between BATES and evening , I was passing his boarding house . We sat down together and talked of things around Jellico . He told me he could hypnotize anyone . I asked him to hypnotize me . He said he would not and he would not give me only a few yards away from each other . He was now cursing and in a rage . He took off his mining cap and threw it down and stamped upon it , but was trying to get me off my guard or that I would leave . This I determined not to do . I would face and beat him on the draw . He picked up his cap and lamp and shoved his walked past , through the door or window . I felt stubborn and told them that I would not go any other way . When the time came for me to leave the mine to the check board and got his brass numbers . He went over to the incline and went down . That was the last I ever saw of him . I am most sure he expected me to order him I would be at the office about five o ' clock . The office was nearly one mile away . I noticed he had one hand in his side coat pocket as if he had a gun . He kept his side toward me and he was also in throat , shutting off his breath completely . We scuffled a few minutes , then I threw him to the ground . I loosened my grip on his throat and quickly struck him a hard blow between the eyes . Then I quickly jerked his hand from his pocket . He had an open knife in his hand . This I took from him and threw it away . He cooled down and I told him I would see him looked wild and thought he would scare me with his cursing and looks . It was up to me to stop him . I quickly drew my gun when he was about ten close to him and told him what I had heard . The crowd now looked for trouble and began to move away . JENKS denied all the things I had heard . All this time , I kept my eye fastened on him family was living in Knoxville at this time . I moved to Procter , called Red Ash , Kentucky . When I resigned , I bought a house in Jellico , purchased Dr . Ancil GATLIFF 's interest . " This I had been told since the purchase . He said , " I have bought a hole in the ground . " I replied that there was sufficient coal to develop a coal lease he had on Powers Branch near Artemus , Kentucky111 . After examining the lease , it looked satisfactory . I resigned the second time from the Proctor attitude and laid plans to get rid of me . This he did at the next annual meeting . I had acted unwise in giving him a majority of stock in the mine . This he divided among his relatives , placing consenting , but he was now feeling his mistake . He told some of my friends that he lost $ 25 , 000 by acting as he did . He afterwards did all that he could to please People all around were in great distress . I made my way up the hill to my home . I met my neighbor , U . S . JONES114 . When recognize part of his cheek by a few days ' growth of his beard . Other bodies were torn in the same manner . I had decided Thursday evening to stay over having some excitement here and we want to be in it . " They were two fine looking men . Phil was a good pistol shooter . One morning , as they were passing me on the came to the office window demanding his pay . The bookkeeper asked him if he was moving out of camp . He replied with an oath , " No . " Then I told him I would not pay him unless he was giving up possession of the house . Mr . WOOD , the bookkeeper , called me to explain what YONCE wanted . He stood just outside of a small window . I noticed that he had two strange men with came behind me and threw his arms around my arms . He was close to my side . He had locked his hands in front of me . This made me helpless . Before YONCE noticed he had his hands in his coat pockets as if he had a gun or a knife . I told the man holding me to turn me loose . He did so . YONCE was cursing . I went up close to him and said , " Jim , you talk right and there will be no trouble . " We were both Odd Fellows . This held me back from being too hasty to come at once and to bring experienced miners with me . This I did . When I arrived at the mine , all was confusion . A few bodies had been brought out . Men , women , and children were crying at the lamp with us and it gave a very poor light . No open lamps were allowed for fear of coming in contact with gas . The ventilation was poor , as all batteries lights were allowed in the rescue party . I carried my own safety lamp , but it gave a very poor light . The mine had penetrated into the mountain for byways and airways and then had to travel in a stooping position . The height was less than four feet . This made traveling tiresome . Some of the men had no light , but followed a fellow miner and to remove dead bodies to their relatives on the outside . The first bodies we came to were four . Two of them were on their knees in a praying Mountain Mine , taking the lives of 74 miners . A message was sent to me to come at once as they needed rescuers . I left Jellico on the morning train at 8 with a small cage with a dead canary in it . I asked him why he brought that bird in here . He said it gave him warning when he went into following Monday we both went to Middlesboro and stopped at the T . Russ HILL126 home . He married my youngest daughter , Iris . A Baptist revival was going on that week and was being held in a tent on sitting in an auto with my daughter , Hannah . Dr . BROWN , with some others was passing by on the sidewalk . My daughter called to him . He came to us . I sat in the front seat with the window preachers say that they knew they were saved . To me that did not reason out right . To my way of thinking that would be making judges of ourselves here on many of them spoke , telling how thankful they were . It came my time to say a few words . Then AUSMUS stood up and spoke . He said , " I have been a very wicked wife spoke to me about what they wanted . I asked her if she wanted to change . She answered , " Yes , they want me to . " After thinking over making the change , w both home before we could live comfortably in it . My son , Paul , bought the home at Jellico when we left Jellico . We left many friends and many were the happy and very slowly on the foot of the bed . Then a face appeared which I recognized as that of my wife . Her eyes were wide open . She was looking steadily at me as I lay and noted expert , went back to work when 80 years old . " Philip FRANCIS is 83 years old today . A man in his late 50 's would consider himself at less that 20c per day as a fan boy and slate picker in the mines . Often he went hungry for days at a time . His friends , the miners were English , Welsh , loved to walk up the hills of East Tennessee . He loved to walk up the hill to the mines of Fort Sanders . The old fort and the cannons were still Coal Co . , was operating a little mine there . He worked there four or five months . Then the state brought in convicts to work the Fraterville Mine and Mr . wanted to hear the people sing and for that reason I attended . It was Saint Patrick 's Day . Dr . BROWN said that God gave man the will than mine , had deaths , but mine had none . It must be that He is kind to me , I said . I have made investments in mines but none in Years in the Coal Mines " by Philip FRANCIS was published without an index . I created an index of names and events . The names are listed alphabetically in each 1782 in St . George - super - Ely , Glamorgan . He was the son of 32 . Francis THOMAS / LEWIS and 33 . Ann ? . He married 17 . Margaret JOHN 24 May 1740 in

He didn 't think it was a good idea , saying that his parents didn 't like meeting people on holidays or some load of complete bullshit . It really pissed me off that he would be in the same city as me , but wouldn 't be able to find time to see me , or if he did , it would be on his terms . Although it hurt my feelings , it really helped me put things into perspective . I hope this card brightens your day ! is that a smile on your face ? Good ! These past couple of weeks I have been thinking . I know you are going through a lot of stress right now , so I 'm gonna try my best to be support for you rather than a headache ! I 'm also gonna stop asking questions about your future ! See , now aren 't you happy ? Well one main purpose of this card was to wish you a happy Thanksgiving . I hope you realize how lucky you are to have a friend like me . I hope you truly are thankful this Thanksgiving ! Ha ha , I couldn 't help it ! On a serious note , I want you to know that I am truly blessed to have someone like you in my life , you make me laugh on my shittiest day ! That means so much to me . You also put up with all of my bullshit . OK , enough about me and how much better you are ! I hope this card has brightened your day , made you laugh , made you cry , brought you down for a second only to lift you back up forever … wow that was pretty cheesy ! As you can see , I need some help writing , maybe you can start proofreading my cards ! Well have a GREAT day Holly , you are an amazing and extraordinary person ! When Thanksgiving actually came around , I didn 't see or talk to Austin despite us being in the same city . I spent time with someone new . Months passed and I distanced myself from Austin - the more time went on , I realized just how wrong he was for me , but I hadn 't had my moment of clarity just yet . In early February , Austin told me he was coming to Baton Rouge on behalf of his job . They wanted him to represent their company at the LSU job fair . I thought it was cool that he would be in town , but a previous fight we 'd had came to the surface - both times I 'd been to Dallas , I paid for the flights by myself , which was fine , but I felt like he needed to visit Baton Rouge on his dime . He said I was being petty , that he was coming in town to see me - but in reality , he was getting a free trip and he was coming in town to represent his job . Regardless , he asked if he could stay with me and I said it was okay . I was still bartending and had to work happy hour the day he flew in town . He made plans to meet me at the bar at 7p . m . , and have a few drinks before I got off work . That morning , I wasn 't excited to see Austin . I was worried I had made the wrong decision in agreeing to letting him stay at my house . I 'd already slept with someone new , who I really liked , and I didn 't want to mess that up . I didn 't even know if I wanted to see Austin at all . But I kept my word , decided to face my demons , and go to work . Before I knew it , 8 o ' clock rolled around and no word from Austin . He was an hour late . I still had one more hour of work left , so I kept at it . But my mind started buzzing and before I knew it , my blood was boiling . This was a perfect example of everything our relationship had been since it 's beginning . Everything was always on Austin 's watch , no matter what . I was done . I was sick of being treated like shit , being second best to everything . I stared at the door , praying he wouldn 't arrive . When happy hour ended , I counted my drawer as fast as I could . Two hours late , and that 's what he had to say ? I grabbed my purse , my coat , and ran to my car , hopped inside and sped home like a bat out of hell . He didn 't know where I lived , so once I pulled onto my street , I breathed a sigh of relief . I got inside my apartment , locked the doors , and sat in my bed laughing my ass off . It was the greatest moment I 'd felt in all of dating breakups . I 'd finally felt the light switch . Austin called and texted me all night , to which I didn 't answer or respond . He was at the bar , with his suitcase , and nowhere to stay . When my friends heard the story , they thought I was a little mean . But I didn 't care . Austin had treated me like shit for years and he finally got what was coming to him . With Austin , nothing I ever said resonated . So I had to show instead of tell . Keeping my mouth shut was the best thing I ever did for that relationship . I didn 't talk to Austin for more than a year . One Sunday evening , he sent me a text message saying he wanted to talk . I was in love with someone else , doing great in my job , and had moved on . So , I agreed to talk to him . We talked on the phone about our work and he asked me about my dating situation . I told him I was happy with someone new , and we 'd been together for a year . Austin told me he just ended a six - month relationship with the woman he thought he was going to marry . He told me this story , saying he went and dated a girl I told him to date - someone who didn 't cuss , was religious , didn 't drink , and wore clothes that covered her . They lived an hour away from each other , but spent every weekend together . Austin was ready to propose , so he took the last step - flying her to New Orleans to meet his family . He was excited for her to see all of the things he loved about New Orleans : the food , the music , but most of all , the booze . But when the plane landed , she had other things in mind . She pulled out a list of antique stores and old plantation homes she wanted to visit . So that 's what they did . She even took Austin to get his photo taken , dressed in old clothing , her holding a parasol . Hey you ! Just wanted to say thanks for another great weekend . I have fun with you whether we 're out or just at home … because you 're that cool . I 'm looking forward to another visit soon . I know things might suck now but I am certain time will help in a decision that will be the best for the both of us . In late September , I cried for the first time in a while over a fight Austin and I had . The misery was like none other I had experienced . It didn 't necessarily hurt more or less - it was just different . A huge part of me felt hurt , broken , and lost because I really felt like I gave Austin my best . I felt like I really tried to be good for him and do things for him , but in the end , I still wasn 't good enough . The first time Austin and I broke up , he left me because he didn 't have time . He wanted to work more . He said there was a certain level of comfort there . But what I knew of our relationship was one of the most comfortable , real relationships I 'd ever experienced . After we broke up , I don 't know what really happened . It was my first real feeling of hopelessness toward love . Somehow , I was able to recoup and grow and move on from Adam . Then , there was Austin , who at first I felt came out of nowhere and I asked myself if this was a good time - was I ready ? I fell for Austin , hard . He did not feel the same . When he told me it was over , I was at a loss . Within one year , love had failed me twice , or rather , I had failed it . My sarcastic , witty side became bitter and unpleasant . Austin and I didn 't talk and I started dating someone new despite Austin still making calls for some reason . He said he didn 't understand why I hated him so much , but I just couldn 't be his friend - we hadn 't been friends before . How we got to this point I was not sure . I was desperately trying to understand it all , but finding that much of it was beyond me . I was trying to move on and remind myself that he just never saw what I could offer him , he never saw me and that 's why he told me to delete him . But he said he loved me . There were so many maybes and so many possibilities that I just couldn 't sort them all . It really hurt when Austin told me to delete him and it hurt when he told me it was my fault and it hurt when he told me " I suck . " I didn 't get why he felt the need to hurt me three times , why not just one or none ? Part of me thought he felt like the only way he knew how to get my attention or to get me to talk was to make me so angry that I had to call him . In October , I was feeling better about the Austin situation since we talked about things . When we talked , we never really got anything solved , but I learned Austin didn 't mean most of what he said and he was just trying to get a reaction out of me . There was still a lot to be fixed with us , but I didn 't think I needed to necessarily be talking to him to get myself through it . It really felt good just to get an answer and to have a say in the way things were going . To spread the blame more evenly , I thought of some things that were of some use : There was obviously a major disconnect between the things Austin and I did , or thought we did , for each other . I couldn 't seem to understand or appreciate the things Austin did for me . And vis versa , which in turn , created a large problem . I just had to learn , by staying busy , that I could and would get over it . By " it " I meant Austin . It was not even about finding someone better , it was just what was right for me . I really couldn 't worry about teaching Austin a lesson or trying to prove a point to him - it wasn 't going to happen . Just because it didn 't happen didn 't mean I did something wrong , it just wasn 't the type of person he was . Austin claimed that we were " friends " and I 'd wanted it to be that way . I wasn 't going to tell him we couldn 't talk or anything like that , I was just going to have to use my own judgement . I still hadn 't saved his number back into my phone and I was planning to keep it that way . I hoped we talked some , but it was going to be different . Toward the end of July , I had a bit of a meltdown . I hadn 't really talked to Austin much since I got home from Dallas . So I assumed he would never talk to me again . Everything he was doing I was applying it to my fear and I finally broke down . I thought about what the fuck I would do without Austin . What if we never talked ? I really didn 't think I could do that again . He was such a big part of my life - even though we were so far apart . He was my best friend . So there I was , sitting on my couch , moping , thinking about how miserable I 'd be without him . Finally we talked and we just hadn 't talked because he 'd been really busy at work . When I 'd explained how scared I was , he reassured me that would not happen . I wanted to move on so bad , but my heart wouldn 't let me . I had so much built up baggage and I thought that was why we fought . I was so terrified of getting close to him , it was like I went through all the motions , but I was scared to put my heart in it . I knew we could be good together if I just shook the fears . The week before my trip was a roller coaster , as several men from my past contacted me for random reasons . I got a job offer at Duvic 's bartending and Guess offered me a job also - I accepted both , but had yet to work out the details . I also had a shift in the way I felt for Austin and my thoughts on moving to Dallas . Everything all started when my mom came to Baton Rouge to help me move . Angela sent me some texts saying she was depressed and that her parents felt moving to Los Angeles was a bad decision - that she shouldn 't go because she needs to stop screwing up her life . So I told my mom about it and she started freaking out , saying why does it matter because I shouldn 't be moving anywhere just to be with someone and I need to find a job and do my own thing . So of course then I was pissed because I couldn 't even explain my side to her . So I call the only person left : Austin . Needless to say , he didn 't make anything better . He said to go with what my mom said because it 's more important what you do from 9 - 5 then what you do afterward . He said if there were people he knew in Dallas then he would be miserable because he works so much and would never get to go see them . Basically , right then I decided to stop looking for jobs in Dallas . I thought after we saw each other he would take things more seriously - that if I moved to Dallas it wouldn 't be just for work , it would be for him . I felt like if I moved there , Austin would just be like , " oh cool there 's someone I know here . " It would be different if the opportunities there were the same as elsewhere , but they really aren 't - maybe in Austin , Texas but not in Dallas . I knew there 's PR anywhere , but not for music . I started to notice Austin wasn 't hesistant to tell me about going out and the girls he met . I knew my next trip to Dallas needed to be my last . If I kept going there it was going to be harder to get away from Austin and his bullshit . I was trying to make him out to be someone he wasn 't . I really wanted to tell him why I stopped looking for Dallas jobs , but I didn 't think I 'd ever get the chance , simply because we never had talks like that . But if he didn 't care - then he didn 't care - and I couldn 't make someone care . My only hope was that things in Los Angeles went well so I could at least work toward something . I 'd flown alone many times before , but never to a place where I didn 't know anyone . I 'd never been further west than Chicago . I boarded my plane , headed to LAX , and felt pretty relaxed on the large flight . We even got a meal since the flight was so long . I arrived at my hotel , a beautiful Los Angeles landmark , checked in , and gawked at the view from the room . I could see the entire city . I called Josh , the person I was there to see in the first place , and he told me the plans for the night . I was to meet him in West Hollywood at the Knitting Factory to see a band he did PR for . The facts were settling in for him , too - " do you know where to go ? " he asked . He told me where to go and to meet him at 11 . I left the hotel and went for a walk , grabbed some dinner before coming back to the hotel to get ready . I caught the metro , unsure of where to get off . I spotted a few young girls in a seat near me and told them where I needed to be . I wondered where they were going - they couldn 't have been older than 13 , riding the Los Angeles metro late at night . I figured they were going to a friends ' house for a slumber party . We left the train , walked up some stairs , right onto Hollywood Blvd . I was stunned . The girls spotted the Knitting Factory and walked me inside - now THIS was cool . I saw evidence of old LA , the punk side of it in the big hair and white denim on the club - goers . Immediately , Josh found me and introduced me to his wife . I ordered myself a drink , and the music started . The next day , I was supposed to meet Josh fairly early at his office , back in West Hollywood . Of course , I got mixed up on the metro and arrived late . His office was on Sunset Blvd , where they were taping an episode of MTV 's " Next . " Josh took me to Playboy radio , where one of his clients was set to do an interview - I remember the tattoo on her arm : Jack Nicholson peering through a broken bathroom door from his famous scene in The Shining . While the offices at Playboy radio weren 't anything glamorous , I was jealous of their jobs . Hosting shows an hour - long , then leaving for the day , only coming in wearing velour track suits . After the radio show , we hopped into Josh 's BMW , and headed over to eat lunch at a burrito shop , where we talked some . When I left Josh 's office , I wandered around West Hollywood for a bit . It was my last night in California and I wanted to make the most of the next day . My last day in Los Angeles , I got a call from Duvic 's wanting me to work that night . I told them I was in California , and they made a date for my first night . Before my trip to Dallas , Austin and I got into another fight . We talked on the phone one day when clearly , we should not have . He was being a dick because I didn 't call him when he wanted me to . So when I said I 'd let him go so he could work , he got pissed . It made me remember why we broke up and why I wasn 't always happy during our relationship . My plan was to ignore him the rest of the day , but of course I didn 't . I told him I was excited about my interview at Duvic 's the next day - a job I 'd wanted for a long time - and he said , " Oh my God , why would you want to work there ? It 's trashy . " I was starting to notice a trend with Austin that he couldn 't just be happy for me . So then I unleashed on him saying that I wasn 't even going to answer the phone because he was such a dick to me the day before . He , naturally , claimed he wasn 't and that I needed to chill out because I was just being a bitch . I said I was sick of hearing him complain about how much he hated talking on the phone because if he didn 't want to call me then DON ' T CALL ME ! He said I should realize how much he wanted to talk to me since he still called even though he hated talking on the phone . I said I didn 't want him to do anything he didn 't want to do , so he said he 'd let me go and that was the end of that . A few days later , I was packed for my big move into a new condo with two of my friends . Although things with Austin continued to be rocky , I was packed and ready for Dallas . I figured we just needed to see each other in person , finally . My coworkers were advising me not to sleep with Austin during my trip . I agreed with them . I felt like Austin and I were both just waiting for one of us to find someone new . My plan was to just get to Dallas and have fun , while trying not to analyze everything . I had a lot on the horizon : a trip to Dallas , a trip to Los Angeles - both would be telling of my future . I ended up really loving Dallas when I thought I wouldn 't really care . The whole trip was a reality check . I thought I wasn 't really going to be excited to see Austin or even sad to leave him , but I definitely was . We definitely have our moments - the good and of course the bad . I was so proud of Austin for moving somewhere new , finding a great job and a nice apartment . I was already trying to figure out when I could get back to Dallas . We did so many fun things . Before I went on the trip , I was so worried about having a talk with him to clear things up . I was so worried about figuring out what the big picture was : why did he really want me to move there ? Why did he call me ? How did he truly feel ? Did he love me ? Did he want to marry me ? But instead of having a talk with Austin , my time in Dallas answered most of these questions on their own . I may not have known if he loved me or wanted to marry me but I didn 't think he would do all of these things for me if he didn 't sincerely care for me . The distance really sucked . We missed out on doing the little things together . As I thought about how much fun we had that weekend - we could 've had that every weekend if we were near each other . Of course , not every long - distance relationship can be " real " in that aspect . I felt like a lot of long - distance relationships were based on missing each other . Often the time spent together was short and blissful since both partners missed each other for so long . But I thought a few things had changed about Austin . He was really sweet . He paid for everything and made me dinner . He opened doors for me . Maybe that was just another thing that I had to leave up to time . Time would tell if LA was right for me . Time would tell if Austin and I were meant to be with each other . If I lost Austin , of course I would be devastated . But I had to remember that it all boiled down to reason . No matter what happened I could remember that weekend as a really great , fun time . It definitely was not a waste and I wanted to go back as soon as I could . I got Austin some cards when I went looking for a notebook and pen , in the airport . I got him one that said " thanks " and the front had a giant frog wearing rain boots and holding flowers . I was going to send it to him the following day . The other one I got was sweet . I would send it out at the end of the week . There was a possibility that a lot of the things I wanted to tell Austin , but didn 't know how or want to hear his immediate reaction - I could tell him through writing . Just wanted to say thanks again for inviting me to Dallas . I had a great time with you - better than I could have imagined . I 'm so glad I came , it was the most fun I 've had in a long time . Dallas impressed me and I 'm hoping to make it back soon . In my mind , it played out as follows : I 'd arrive in Dallas , see you , have some fun . We 'd talk and decide that the distance blows . I 'd leave , unimpressed with the city and maybe wonder what would become of this relationship of ours . Because , after all , I was going to LA . I was wrong . Instead , I really liked Dallas and was again reminded of how much I love spending time with you . I don 't know what 's in store for me in LA … nor do I know what 's in store for us . But I do know I won 't rule out Dallas any time soon . But since I was so busy , I didn 't have much social time . Most of my girlfriends had boyfriends or didn 't have time or money to go out , which often left me hanging out alone . I fell into a rut of cooking myself dinner and then taking myself to a movie , before coming home to study . Sometimes , it was nice being alone , but I knew I needed some social interaction . Austin and I were talking a lot and things were going well . There were only two weeks left until we got to see each other . I was really excited to see him , but I was scared , too . I loved talking to him on the phone , but I was being reminded of my days with Adam . Since we weren 't in the same state , we couldn 't do those little things together , like run errands or grab lunch . Austin and I were lonely , and I wondered if our miseries were just clinging to each other . Austin had met a few guys through his job and was starting to go out a little bit . I wanted him to make friends , but I was curious to know if he was meeting girls and possibly sleeping with them . Although him and I weren 't exclusive , I didn 't feel like I was in a position to ask him about it . I knew there was no way I could smoothly ask , " Sooooo did you meet any cute girls tonight ? " I knew it would only come across as jealousy , because it was . At the same time , I felt in control since I wasn 't telling Austin about any guys in my life , because there were none . I started to worry that I was respecting Austin too much by not putting myself out there . But I was going to wait until our visit to see how I felt . He said he wanted to have a " talk " when I got to Dallas . Depending on what we talked about , I knew I didn 't want to be the one waiting on his calls and avoiding dates if he wasn 't doing the same for me . The other part of the conflict was the whole me - moving - to - Dallas idea . I was extremely flattered that he was thinking about it , and even more excited that he was telling me . The problem was , I didn 't want to move to Dallas . I hadn 't been there yet , but I had wanted to live in Los Angeles my entire life . I had a job lead there and had been searching for apartments online . The other half of the problem was premature , but of course I 'd been thinking about it . If I couldn 't agree to move to Dallas , where would the relationship go ? It wasn 't fair because I would be sacrificing my dream of living in Los Angeles , but I knew Austin would not see it that way . That same week , I had a dream about Eddie and Paige . In my dream , they came into Abercrombie and said hey to me . Although that was pretty much the gist of it , it was a setback . It made me wonder why the whole thing with Eddie happened in the first place . I wondered what he was doing . I began to miss the fun we had together . Summer has always been a hard time for me to be single . I dated Adam over the summer and then Eddie . I had many summer flings , including Zach . That summer combined with my extreme loneliness was bad for me . It made me desperate for company and it made me miss Adam and Eddie . I needed to go on a date , bad . One night I asked Austin if we were still having that " talk " he mentioned the week before . Of course , typical Austin , said he never said we were going to have a talk , but that he was just going to convince me to move to Dallas instead of LA . Later that night , Austin called me and we had a meaningless conversation . He had me on speaker phone for the whole conversation , which was annoying because I could hear myself talk but could barely hear him . He was making and eating dinner while we talked , which was okay , but it made me feel like he could barely fit me into his busy schedule , and I knew Austin was not that busy . During our conversation , he started to get rude . Austin was making fun of me for organizing my closet and shit . Sometimes I seriously wanted to be like , look dude I am not the loser here . So out of nowhere he was like " well I have to go take the trash out so that means I have to get off the phone . " Like we were in the middle of a fucking conversation ! So he can tell I 'm pissed and his defense is that we had been on the phone for one hour . I was thinking wow , what 's it to you because you haven 't even been paying attention . So he said he 'd call me the next day during his lunch and I just hung up on him . I wasn 't going to answer my phone if he called me . Not to be a total bitch about it , but if he didn 't want to fucking call me , then don 't call me . Because I didn 't want to hear the fucking bitching . If you 're going to do something , then go balls out , don 't half - ass it . A week later , I cried on my drive home from work . I felt like I 'd cried so much that summer , but I couldn 't pinpoint why . I had several things pulling me down . I was still excited to see Austin , but my fears were growing worse . Whenever I had flown to see a guy , he 'd left me . This had happened on several occasions , Adam , Nik , Gabe … I couldn 't handle Austin leaving me . The weekend before , we went two days without talking - the longest we 'd gone since he left , and I was devastated . The thought of never talking to him again was miserable . We 'd grown really close in the last month . I felt really good about the way things were going ; Austin was my best friend . There were things I was afraid to tell Austin . I felt pressure to " go with it " since we were so far away and we were not dating . But my heart couldn 't just go with it . I was trying so hard not to fall for him , harder than ever before . I was so afraid of getting hurt from him , again . I was afraid of getting hurt by anyone . Austin had already talked to me about his loneliness , saying he wished someone was there when he got home from work . But he didn 't just want anybody . He talked to me about moving to Dallas over Los Angeles . I laughed to keep my heart out of it , but I couldn 't lie , and say I hadn 't thought about it . What I was most afraid of was getting used to Austin 's calls . We hadn 't talked everyday like that since we 'd been dating . I just wished he 'd tell me more , but I figured he was afraid . I was still afraid he 'd meet that Dallas girl , whoever she would be . I was scared the only reason he was talking to me was because he had no other girl . He said he didn 't realize what he had until he lost it , but who knew ? In mid June , I spent three days and nights with Austin . Thursday night was the first time we saw each other since I got back from St . Thomas . I really missed him . When I left for vacation , I honestly didn 't think I 'd miss him , but I did . The three days we spent together were good , we didn 't even fight . Austin was planning to leave for Dallas on a Friday . We planned to say our goodbyes on Wednesday . I didn 't expect to be as sad as I was . Ever since Austin and I broke up I battled up and down feelings for him . Some days I missed him , others I never thought about him . Some days I felt maybe I loved him . Others it was close to hatred . There aren 't many things I found particularly intriguing or stunning about Austin . We fought more than I had ever fought with anyone . But I couldn 't get rid of him . But still , nothing felt worse than him leaving - I couldn 't have been more upset . Austin made me laugh . He let me be me ( or so I thought ) and things were comfortable with him . There were some things that were wrong between us , but there was a lot that was right . At that point , Austin was the only man who 'd ever really broken up with me instead of just ignoring me . After all the fights or disagreements he was still around . Sadly , I was scared that when he moved to Dallas , he 'd find someone else . She would be smarter than me and more girly and probably gorgeous . But mainly , she 'd live in Dallas . And that 's something I could never offer Austin . He said he 'll miss me when he goes and I should visit him in July . However , I prepared myself for the worst - that being that he wouldn 't miss me and he would find someone else and we 'd never talk again . I never thought all of these feelings would come up . Austin was my last friend in Baton Rouge . I knew I 'd be busy with work and school , so I thought that would help with the whole " missing " thing . There were things I wanted to tell Austin before he left , but I didn 't know if I should . So , I wrote him a letter : I really want you to know , I really am going to miss you . No matter what I 've said or told you , I will miss you being around ! Anything I 've said to make you feel otherwise is only a wall I 've put up to avoid getting hurt again . As much as you might hate me for doing this , I can 't help but remember a few things . When my relationship before you was over , I 'd gotten my heart broken for the first time by my best friend of five years . I thought things were over for me already . But when you asked me out for dinner ( in the stockroom ) I was more shocked than ever . I didn 't know anything about you and didn 't know if we 'd have anything to talk about . But it was one of the best first dates I 've ever been on . What I remember most about those days are the small things : our Fat Joe song , carving our initials into the Caterie bar after doing shots of red snapper , the text messages , and our long phone conversations when we 'd pretend to be exes and talk about ourselves . Although things were good , I never thought we 'd remain friends ( what can I say , it 's not really my style ) . Most of my exes come back around , but I never put up with them . I guess I 've got a soft spot for you , Austin ! The night was awkward and short . We didn 't meet each other for dinner until 8 and then we went back to his place and he was in bed , asleep by 10 . As I laid there , with him asleep I couldn 't help but get upset for two reasons : I am convinced I just wanted everything I can 't have . When I was at work I want to be at home . When I was at home or with someone I felt guilty for not being at work . That was the last night I would see Austin for who knows how long and all I could do was be mad that I was " wasting " my time laying there . Why couldn 't I just be content laying there with him for one last time ? I hated saying bye to people and I had to say bye to too many great people during the past month . On Austin 's last night in Baton Rouge , I got home from work there were roses on my doorstep ( 3 red , 2 pink ) . There was also a thank you card with it and he wrote a beautiful letter inside . Of course , I cried like I had been for the previous four nights . But the things in the letter were very sweet and the flowers on my doorstep are something I 'd always wanted . So this is it ! I 'm moving to Dallas ! I still remember the time we went to Tsunami and what I had told you . I needed someone to be a backbone for me , someone to help me when I fall , someone to listen to my endless bitching ! Well , months and months later , there you are . You have become that someone who I need . I can 't put into words all the bullshit I have put you through . For you to still be by my side is a wonder , in itself ! Every relationship I have been involved in , I have learned something . But no relationship have I learned and gained so much from as ours . You have been there for me time and time again , even when you had every right not to be . Thank you Holly from the bottom of my heart . Dallas won 't be the ideal situation without you there . My dreams and ambitions take me far , I believe in myself and what I can do , and have no limits on achieving success . Thank you for being a part of these dreams and ambitions , you have helped me make them a reality ! Please don 't forget what we have here , and I want a date ASAP for your trip to Dallas . More than anything , I will miss you ! But I stayed over at his apartment one night when he wanted to have sex . I didn 't want to and he got pissed when I said no , it made me feel like he 'd just been buttering me up the entire time . I honestly thought we 'd been hanging out because he enjoyed my company , not to sleep with me . I was confused . So I didn 't talk to Austin , and he didn 't bother to call me . I figured he was embarrassed , but I was waiting for an apology . I thought I was really into him when we were together , then he dumped me and moved on quickly . Then we start talking again , but also start fighting again . What was I supposed to do with someone who clearly didn 't respect me ? I knew I couldn 't even have a friend like that . I hoped it wouldn 't get blown out of proportion - I didn 't want him to graduate and move away without a better understanding of why it happened . Austin may not have even realized what he did wrong , which was a problem in itself . I just didn 't know why I felt so bad about the whole thing ; I didn 't do anything wrong . I certainly wasn 't going to sleep with him out of guilt and I made it clear I wasn 't going to sleep with him at all . Austin made it obvious he couldn 't handle sleeping with me when we weren 't together . For that reason alone , I didn 't want to sleep with him . The worst feeling is knowing the person you just slept with regrets it . I always ragged on Austin for hanging out with whores - but maybe that 's why he expected sex so easily . For about a month , Austin kept telling me he enjoyed my company , he liked me , and drunkenly admitted to loving me , but how could he honestly feel that way , but act completely different ? It made me question his motives . A month later , Austin was celebrating his graduation from LSU . To celebrate , we went out to dinner at the same place we had our first date . I gave him a gift - a pair of silver Prada sunglasses , along with a card : The decisions you have to make are stressful , but always remember to do what 's going to make you the happiest . I know wherever you end up - you 're going to be great , you are so driven and hard - working . It will pay off ! But unlike my relationship with Adam , Eddie and I were always open with each other . It was clear how much we liked each other 's company . But if that was the case , why hadn 't I heard from him ? We were seeing each other , talking to each other and usually spending the night with each other everyday . I hadn 't seen Eddie in almost two weeks - since we got back from the trip to Indiana . We 'd only talked on the phone twice . I didn 't want to accuse Eddie of anything because I honestly had no idea what was going on . But that was the part that was killing me . Of course I jumped to conclusions and assumed he 's spending all of his time with someone else ( ahem , Paige ) , but at the same time I felt like he wouldn 't do that to me . I thought things were going so well , but when we did talk on the phone it was somewhat superficial . I hinted at " why haven 't we talked ? " But he just kept telling me he was busy . I could only go off what he told me but I had always believed that you could never be too busy to call someone . Before our trip to Indiana , he would call me between work and school , but something had changed . I didn 't want to chase after him because it didn 't give me any satisfaction . I felt very unwanted and unattractive . I didn 't see or speak to Eddie for months . In January , when I returned back to Baton Rouge after winter break , My roommates and I went shopping in the mall . We walked by American Eagle and saw Eddie inside . We went in as a group and messed up a few shirts , acting like we were looking around . I knew Eddie had gotten back with Paige - my worst nightmare . Their situation was typical . Boy treats girl like crap , girl crawls back to him in tears . Boy gets huge ego . Fortunately , I didn 't have that problem . I despised my ex - boyfriends because they were all just like Eddie - good at lying and putting on a sweet facade . I knew my relationship with Eddie was over , forever . The next day , we had plans to meet up with Sheena for dinner , drinks , and hopefully hop over to a comedy club . We had plans to meet Sheena at the Cheesecake Factory in Keystone . We got to the mall first , put our names in and took a plastic buzzer with us . I told Eddie I wanted to show him a store I liked - Restoration Hardware . When we got to the store , he said there was one in New Orleans , but we went inside anyway . We looked around and Eddie bought a book . On our way back toward the Cheesecake Factory , we stopped into Sharper Image . There , I found these tiny electronic dogs that you could hook your iPod up to and they would play the music , but also light up and dance according to the song . I thought it was the cutest thing . Without hesitation , Eddie bought it for me . It was white with black spots , and moved its ears up and down to the beat of my music . I loved it . Our buzzer was lighting up and vibrating , telling us it was time to eat dinner . We grabbed each other 's hands and raced across the mall , making it to the restaurant in time to meet Sheena and grab our assigned table outside . It was a cool evening , but they had turn on heat lamps for us to stay warm . Eddie had his heart set on us visiting a comedy club that night , so we hopped into Sheena 's car and headed out . But we got lost , and didn 't make it to the club in time . I felt horrible . We 'd spent the evening just driving around . I wasn 't feeling well , but I still wanted him to enjoy our trip . The next morning , Eddie and I drove to Ohio to visit my dad and his girlfriend . We got to their house in time to head to the river for the annual balloon festival - a beautiful sight to see all of the colorful hot air balloons lined up along the water at sunset . There was food and live music , too . When Eddie stepped away from us , my dad said he didn 't know Eddie and I were dating - I told him I wanted to officially date Eddie , but his ex - girlfriend was getting in the way . She had been texting him on our drive up . For the first time in my life , I looked through a boyfriend 's phone . I only read one text from Paige - she was begging him to talk to her , wondering why he was doing this to her . That night , Eddie and I were going to sleep at my Dad 's house . We all ate dinner together and sat down to watch Saturday Night Live . I was sitting on the couch , Eddie was sitting on the floor in front of me . He asked me to rub his shoulders . Looking back , I didn 't realize how rude it really was of Eddie to ask me that , but I did it anyway . When it was time for bed , Eddie slept in my bedroom upstairs , while my dad blew up an air mattress for me in the basement . I tucked myself in , and was texting with Eddie . From the small glow of my phone I could see a giant spider nearing my bed . I knew I shouldn 't go upstairs because my dad was probably wide awake , thinking I was going to sneak into bed with Eddie . I tried to put the spider out of my mind . But all I could think was that if I fell asleep , the spider would crawl on me and step into my open mouth . I ran up the stairs and knocked on my dad 's door . He answered and I told him the scoop . As we walked back down the stairs together , I had never hoped so bad that the spider would still be there , in plain sight . Thankfully , the spider was there when my dad came down the stairs . He killed it , I said thanks and tucked myself back into the air mattress . The next morning , I woke Eddie up , we ate breakfast with my dad and we were off to lunch with Angela and her mom . We ate , and hit the road toward Louisiana . Eddie was convinced we 'd have enough time to stop at his parents ' house , so I could meet them . But , as the drive wore on and darkness fell , we were both tired and just wanted to get home . We made it to Eddie 's house late and , for whatever reason , he didn 't want me to sleep over . So I got my bag , and got into my car . I will never forget Eddie standing in the street , darkness on his face , his hands holding his backpack straps . In September , I went to an LSU game with a few of my girlfriends . We thought it would be a great idea to wakeup early and throw back a few mimosas , since it was an afternoon game . But the alcohol and the heat made for a very unpleasant mix . So I went home early , and was texting with Eddie while laying in my bed . He was on his way over , but was caught in traffic . Once he arrived , we fell asleep in my bed and awoke in time for dinner . He took me to Macaroni Grill , and afterward we went for coffee at Barnes & Noble . We went to his house , watched Saturday night Live , and went to sleep . I felt so content , I remember sleeping well - on Eddie 's silky sheets . When we woke up the next morning , Eddie offered to make us breakfast . I slept while he milled about in the kitchen , mixing a recipe he was proud of - milk , eggs , vanilla , and cinnamon to make French toast . After breakfast , Eddie wanted to go fishing . so we packed his car with the essentials : fishing rods , bait , tackle , and a cooler , with giant Reese 's cups inside . We drove nearly an hour out to a fishing spot Eddie liked . But once we arrived , he wasn 't too interested in fishing anymore . He drove me home . It was a Sunday evening , and when he dropped me off , I was bummed . We had spent so much time together , I didn 't know what to do with myself when he wasn 't by my side . I went upstairs and attempted to do some schoolwork . Not even two hours had passed before Eddie called me , said he missed me , and wanted to come over . I was glad . When he arrived back at my house , he had his shaving kit tucked under his arm . The next Saturday , I worked a shift at the mall , where I saw American Eagle was handing out flowers to all of the girls that went in the store . I had plans to go out with one of my sorority sisters that night . As I was getting ready , Eddie called me and said he wanted to see me . I told him I was home , but I already had plans to go out with a friend . He said he was on his way . Not two seconds later , I heard a knock on the door . It was Eddie . When I opened the door , he was holding four flowers , each stuck in their own sponge of water , from the store . " Yaaayyy ! " I said , I leapt into his arms and gave him a giant hug . We talked outside for a while , then I went back inside to finish getting ready . The next week , Eddie was leaving for a hiking trip with his friends . As a treat , I bought him some camping - friendly snacks he could take on the trip with him . It was going to be the longest time we 'd had apart - we weren 't even going to be able to talk by phone . He got back into town four days later and had to go to a work meeting , although I was complaining about not being able to see him that night . He said he would stop by after the meeting , even though it was going to be late . When he arrived at my house , I was fast asleep . But his call woke me up and I answered the door in my pajamas . We went into the kitchen where we shared the cupcake . Keeping the lights off , we moved back into the living room , where I sat on his lap in the recliner . I had really missed him . In late September , Eddie was super excited to buy a pumpkin . So we got a few , and carved them , leaving the pieces in the pumpkin . We filled our pumpkins with firecrackers , letting the loose pieces reveal the pumpkin face after the minor explosion on Olive Street . Eddie was ready to meet my parents . We 'd been seeing each other for two months , but it felt like a year . Since we both had fall breaks coming up with school , Eddie suggested we drive back to the midwest and meet everyone . I was ecstatic ! I called my family and told them Eddie and I were making the drive . The first week of October , I came down with a sore throat . At first , it felt like I was coming down with a typical cold . But then , after a day of class , I was in some serious pain . I went to work at A & F , complaining about my throat . My manager sent me to the coffee shop for some citrus tea . It didn 't help at all , and I said I was going home . I went to bed that night , hoping to feel better in the morning . But I awoke in the middle of the night and couldn 't swallow my own spit . I slept for the remainder of the night with a towel on my pillow , so I wouldn 't choke . The next day , I told Eddie I was sick . In attempts to make me feel better , he arrived at my house with a gallon of cookie dough ice cream and a pizza . It was sweet , but I physically felt awful . In the morning , I drove myself to the campus health clinic . When I approached the counter , I had to hold my throat with both hands to speak . They didn 't believe I was sick . I begged them to take my temperature . When the thermometer marked 102 degrees , the nurse took me seriously . They insisted on doing a blood test . As much as I hate needles , and my own blood , I didn 't care . I felt like I was dying . After a blood test , the doctor took me in a room to tell me I had mono . He told me I needed to rest , but they would give me a shot and some medicine to take home . Eddie and I were planning on leaving for Indiana that afternoon . When I left the doctor 's office , I drove to his house and threw my bags in his car . We hit the road . Nearly a week later , I had worked with Eddie a few times , but nothing was really progressing . One Sunday night after work , I was on the phone with Sheena , telling her about Eddie and that I was a little confused about his relationship status . During our conversation , I got a beep on the line - a text message . He lived on Olive street - a name that already posted an image in my mind of what his house might look like . It was a small street , not far from the LSU campus . His house was nestled back from the street , behind a black wrought - iron gate . It had a porch , and was shaded with trees , but in the night , it just looked cozy . When I arrived , he was the only one home - his two roommates were gone . He poured me a glass of wine and offered to give me a tour . I fell in lust with his home - it was a place I knew I wanted to spend hours . It was old , with hard wood floors that creaked under our following steps . He took me up the stairs , toward his roommate 's bedroom - the master suite . At the top of the stairs was a bedroom , accompanying a bathroom that featured a white marble tub with black and grey veining . On our way back down the stairs , Eddie smacked at the wall - holding up a spider by the string of its recent web . Back downstairs , Eddie showed me his bedroom . His bed was made , books were stacked neatly , and his desk was clean . He got on his computer to play some music . When the opening screen popped up , there were two log - in options : " Eddie " or " Paige . " I joined Eddie back at his desk and we talked about the music we liked ; I was able to introduce him to a few new bands . We made our way back to the kitchen - a clean , white kitchen with glass - front cabinets and a stainless - steel fridge . Next to the kitchen was an open dining room , with a glass China cabinet . Inside it , were rare glasses and bottles of liquor . Eddie suggested we watch a movie , so we moved into the living room where there was a massive TV , with huge speakers . We watched this old movie with Angelina Jolie where she is pregnant and the baby daddy stabs her in the stomach , and then she rips off the fake belly . Intense . We were laying down on his couch , about to fall asleep when the movie ended . I asked him if he would carry me to my car , because I was so sleepy . It was at least 2 am . I stayed at Eddie 's that night , and when I left in the morning , I was pretty sure he would never call me again . I didn 't know the status of his girlfriend , and it definitely didn 't help that he was my manager . So I tucked it away in my mind as a great night , and left it at that , trying not to expect anything more . But when I worked with him next , he said he wanted to hang out again . So I invited him over to my condo , to have some wine and meet my roommate . I raced home from work , ran through the place picking up random crap , and told my roommate I had someone coming over . So I was . Eddie came over , and impressed my roommate . When Eddie left , my roommate told me he thought Eddie was a great guy , and that I needed to keep him around a long time . Little did I know that I wasn 't going to have a choice . My relationship with Eddie grew very quickly . We clicked in a way I hadn 't clicked with anyone else . And because of that , I jumped into things without a second thought . I remember the night Eddie told me he had a girlfriend . He said he wanted to go to dinner , so he picked me up and we went to a little sit - down deli . I asked him what he was doing over the weekend and he said he had to changed the oil in a car , " for the gf . " Before I fell asleep , I thought about her . Eddie had made her out to be the enemy , but in reality , Paige was me . Adam did to me exactly what Eddie was doing to her , and I was the other woman this time . The next week , I was in class when Eddie texted me that he wanted to surprise me . So I met him after class , out in the parking lot . He said he wanted to take me to lunch at a place that he liked . I was dressed in sweats , told him I wasn 't prepared for a little date . But he insisted we had to go , right then . He took me downtown to a small pizzeria that was delicious . Afterward , we went back to his house . Once we arrived , his roommate told him Paige had stopped by and left a letter for Eddie . I felt dirty for being in the house , for having my car parked out front , for hanging out in the daylight hours . But at the same time , I was falling quickly . I loved spending time with Eddie , laughing with him , and being in the company of his friends . Eddie didn 't read the letter - not in front of me anyway . That night , Eddie said he would cook us dinner . I sat in the kitchen with my elbows on the white tiled counter , enjoying a glass of wine , while Eddie steamed crab legs , and stirred a pot of mashed potatoes . I was in heaven . We enjoyed our dinner watching a football game with his roommates . In August , A & F was cutting my hours , so I looked elsewhere for work . Naturally , I decided to go to the dark side and put in an application at American Eagle . When I went to drop off my completed application , there was a hot guy working the counter . His name was Eddie . He was just my type , average height , nice build , dark hair , amazing eyes . And he looked great in a baseball hat , my true weakness . I dropped off my stuff and went back to A & F . A few days later , I got a call about a group interview . So , during a break at A & F , I went on the interview . Eddie was conducting it and he asked us a bunch of stupid questions - including , if you could have any superpower what would it be ? For journalism reasons , I wished to be invisible . That skill would 've come in handy for my dating life , too . After the team building session , Eddie told me I was assigned to work with him at the new store that was opening across town . Within the next week , I started working at the new store . It wasn 't open for business yet , but we put up displays and unpacked boxes of clothes . One Sunday night , I joined a few of my sorority sisters and their boyfriends at this bar that overlooked a swamp . It was at the end of a short pier , and basically stood as a metal shack . They served cheap beer by the pitcher , and handed out metal buckets of peanuts . We sat in the back and ate the chicken , talking some too . When the shift was over , he asked me if I wanted to grab a beer . And so , we did . I managed to survive my time at work , even when Austin was around . He wasn 't dating anyone else , and neither was I . In June , he told me he wanted to take me to the Marc Broussard concert that I 'd bought him tickets for when we were still together . I liked Marc Broussard , but I wasn 't sure how good of an idea this was going to be . He showed up at my apartment the afternoon of the concert . I came out of my bedroom , wearing a pale yellow sun dress and wedge sandals . He was standing there in jeans , some type of affliction crap t - shirt , and flip - flops . This is when my hostility for Austin started setting in . Austin thought it was funny , but I was being serious . I drove us to Lafayette , where the concert was . We stopped at a nice restaurant for dinner . Before we went inside , Austin threw a fit that the clock in my car wasn 't set to the right time . I told him I didn 't know how to set it , so he needed to get over it . He figured out how to set it , but he needed an extra set of hands . So I helped . I went into the restaurant . Throughout the dinner , he kept asking me why I hated him so much . I told him he was an asshole . When the check arrived , the waitress put it in front of Austin . We made it back to the hotel . There was only one bed . I made do , put on actual pajamas , and made a wall of pillows between us . My 21st birthday was in July . Around work , I heard rumors that Austin was trying to set up a surprise party for me . So , when he invited me to dinner one night , I was fairly certain it was going to be a party . I got ready and drove to his place . Where there was no party . He really was taking me to dinner . We went out for seafood . It was a nice dinner , and he gave me a gift - an iTunes card . Things with Austin were okay , but I was confused on where we stood . We hung out constantly , were sleeping together , but were not calling it exclusive . Red flags all around . I got up and starting getting dressed , yelling louder and louder with each article of clothing . What kind of asshole says they regret the sex they just had , to the person they just had sex with ? I left in the middle of the night , I didn 't care how psycho it looked to his roommate . All along I felt like Austin was the one who still liked me and that I was in control . But in reality , I had been falling for him harder than I did the first time . I still wasn 't sure if given the chance if I would get back with him , but my feelings for him were strong . On the other hand , I was starting to realize just how selfish Austin was . Even throughout the course of our " friendship , " he was very controlling , questioning my whereabouts when I wouldn 't answer his calls or messages . But I was about to see just how controlling he could be . Austin and I didn 't go on many dates before we decided to be exclusive . Our first two dates went very well , and I remember wondering if things were moving too fast . I didn 't know if I was really ready for another relationship - I was still feeling the baggage from Adam . A few dates in , Austin took me to a nice sushi restaurant downtown Baton Rouge , overlooking the Mississippi River . He didn 't like sushi , but I appreciated him bringing me , as I loved it . I always felt special with Austin - he complimented me , took me to nice places , and let me order cocktails even though I still wasn 't 21 . It felt like a grown up relationship . During dinner , Austin wanted to have a talk . He told me he needed to be in a relationship with someone who was going to be there for him , be his rock . I felt flattered , and as cheesy as it sounds , I knew I could , would , and wanted to be there for him . After dinner , we went for a walk . I wanted Austin to be my date for my upcoming sorority formal , but he was going out - of - town for a landscape architecture trip . He said it would be okay if I asked someone else . Greetings from Sedona Valley in Northern Arizona . The landscape out here is spectacular . I 've never seen so much orange in my life ! Well I miss you very much and I will see you soon . Greetings from the Grand Canyon ! What else can I say about this place besides unbelievable ! You have to be here to really appreciate the scale ! I think I 'm ready to go home ! I 'm especially ready to see you ! Talk to you soon ! Just dropping another hello from the desert of Death Valley California . It is the longest point in the U . S . It is truly breathtaking out here . Everywhere I go on the trip . I wish you could be there to share the experience with me . See you soon ! Hope everything is going ok . I miss you soo much . Today we visited the beautiful Stanford University . The property around the campus is ridiculous ! 1 bedroom - $ 1 , 900 / month ! Well talk to you soon ! Just wanted to drop a hello . I am currently in San Francisco and loving it ! This city is full of gay ( happy ) people . It 's beauty is truly breathtaking ! I miss you more than you could imagine ! Talk to you soon ! Are you getting tired of postcards yet ? I hope not ! Anyway , I am here in Mammoth , Calif . freezing my ass off . The wind chill here is like 15 degrees . Although the scenery is breathtaking , these people can keep their snow and freezing ass temps ! I miss you sooo much . I was flattered . I loved getting his notes in the mail - it was so sweet . I was falling faster and faster . After Austin returned from his trip , I wanted to plan a date for us . I felt like he had been great at making plans and taking me to nice places , so I wanted to do the work for once . We got in my car , and I drove him to a spot near the lake . I had a blanket , which I laid out for us , and unpacked the goodies . He seemed surprised , and happy that I remembered to get his sauce on the side , but it wasn 't the reaction I 'd hoped for . Toward the end of April , things with Austin got rocky . He said things with his family were tough , school was stressful , and he needed to work . Being naive , I figured he just needed some cheering up . In May , my mom came to Baton Rouge to help me buy a car , and move into a new apartment . Although Austin and I hadn 't been seeing each other very long , it wasn 't often that a family member of mine was in town . I wanted him to meet my mom . I was working a shift with Austin , when my mom came in the store to visit . I didn 't think it was a big deal for Austin to meet her then - we were scheduled to have the dinner later that evening . So , I introduced them . Everything was fine . Until my mom left the store . He told me he was unprepared and I shouldn 't have introduced them . Austin didn 't join us at dinner . Austin dumped me the next day . I called him at work and he told me he just wanted to work more . I was devastated . I was being dumped for Abercrombie hours . I will never forget laying in my bed at my new apartment - new bedding and all . I was completely under the covers , crying . My mom was telling me it was okay , not to worry , I could do better . The next week at work , they announced the annual tubing trip . I wanted to go , but I was nervous about being around Austin . I had been able to avoid most shifts with him . One of my coworkers said not to worry , that he would hang out with me the whole time . Early that Sunday morning , we met at the mall parking lot to figure out who was going to drive with whom . My friend got in my car , and Austin came up to my window and asked me what I 'd been up to . I told him some bullshit about seeing a movie and wished he would get out of my face . I was in the stockroom at work one Saturday , trying to reorganize clothes , when Austin came in complaining about a recent date he went on . The girl he went with worked at A & F with us , just like all of the girls Austin took on dates . His general complaint was a blanket fear of never finding someone . I had been invited to a pity party . But I was nearly five months out from my breakup with Adam , and I knew it was time for me to get out there . It had been awhile since I 'd been on a real first date - one where I didn 't know the person well . I hadn 't been jaded enough yet to hate dates { like I do now } , so I agreed . He seemed thrilled I didn 't reject him , and assured me we would have lots to talk about , but I didn 't know how true that was . The Caterie wasn 't the problem - it was the band playing at The Caterie . I had an innocent crush on the lead singer , but it turned gruesome once I mentioned it in a column , and gave his girlfriend a nickname . Since then , I wasn 't the most welcomed among fans . But I was ready to head out , and Austin arrived at the house to pick me up . Once I got in the car , he said he knew where he wanted to take me - Bonefish Grill . On the drive there , we were messing around with his CD player . He had a few different CDs in the dash , and we randomly selected three songs to see how they might describe our approaching night out - an electronic 8 - ball , if you will . The first song was the remix of " What 's Love " by Fat Joe and Ashanti . The second was an Enya song . And I can 't remember the third - probably because the first song was the one most likely to describe the next few years I had with Austin . We made it to Bonefish Grill , where there was a wait . We talked some while we sat outside . I remember being nervous we would have nothing to say to each other . He told me I looked nice , sort of . Once we got our table , I was completely impressed . He was officially wining and dining me - we ordered glasses of wine , so many that it should 've been a bottle . And we each got decadent seafood meals , it was very delicious . To my delight , we did have a lot to talk about . Of course , we covered the bases : hobbies , school , family , etc . But Austin was daring and cut to the chase , asking me about politics and religion , too . There I was , a little too drunk for a first date , and in the very spot I was warned not to be . But I didn 't mention this to Austin , and we went to the bar . I lead him upstairs , hoping to avoid any run - ins with a very pissed off girlfriend . Once upstairs , we took shots of red snapper - premixed . It was disgusting . But we got beers and sat at a ledge near the stairs . During our conversation , I carved our initials into the ledge : HP + AF . Shortly after , he drove me back to the sorority house , asked me for a second date , and kissed me goodnight . I stored the date away as one of the best yet , and went to sleep . The Squeeze The Bitter Lemon is home to lifestyle writer , editor , and author , Holly A . Phillips . She 's an obsessive dreamer , TV - addict , and a relentless blogger , who 's recently taken up casual calligraphy . She currently lives in Austin , Texas with her cat , Blanche Devereaux . She is making changes this year ! Follow Me on Instagram Top Posts & Pages WYSK : Alexandra Penney . All my exes live in texts ? Celebrating the 90 's ( You 're Invited ) ! Archives Archives

From Parts I - IV : I returned from Afghanistan , having been shot in the shoulder and having two surgeries to repair it . I got out of the Army to help my mother who had bladder cancer and ran into the high school girl on whom I had had a crush . I found out she was a single mother of a young daughter and tried to ask her out , only to have her accuse me of treating her like someone who I thought couldn 't take care of herself and needed to be saved . She realized her mistake and we dated once then I was invited to her house , where I ran into her ex , who had drugged her and then knocked me out . After the incident , Lily says she won 't see me anymore , but then , one night she arrived , drunk , and fucks me . When she wakes , she says it was a mistake and goes back to not seeing me anymore . After a few weeks of being ignored and turned down by Lily , I asked the waitress Cindy out and she proved to be a sexual dynamo . After getting very close to Cindy and having wonderful sex , Buck gets sentenced and his family comes after me , leading to Cindy getting killed . < / i > I managed to get through that day , but barely . The next day the police brought my car home and asked to talk to me . They asked me about the incident and I took them through it as I remembered it . I didn 't tell them about the Afghanistan flashback or the dream . No fucking way . They said it would be awhile before I got my weapon back . They were very apologetic while staring at me as if there was something wrong with me . It wasn 't that they seemed suspicious , but it was as if they were looking at someone who worked for the circus , the bearded lady or some other such freak . It made me realize that in this area and that town none of them had probably ever shot and killed someone . I wondered if any of them had even drawn their weapon while on duty . I had intermittent bursts of emotion for the next few days and my sleep was interrupted by any sound at all . The slightest thing could make me angry and a sappy commercial could make me break down and cry . In short , I was an emotional mess . I couldn 't stop thinking about how I had found someone that I really did feel that I could spend time with and she was taken from me . I wondered if there was anything in life that was going to be fair to me when it came to relationships . I also thought about how great Cindy was about everything - sex , hanging out , shooting at the range , working as a waitress ; she seemed to be able to enjoy everything in life . Her outlook had been rubbing off on me and now she was gone ; and with it my cheerful outlook . When they killed her , they killed that in me , too . I also felt that it was my fault . I knew that I wasn 't responsible for the actions of two lunatics , but if I had never gotten involved with her , she would be alive . She was so fun - loving , alive , and full of promise and good will . I think that 's what made me feel the worst . She always meant well and never once did I hear her utter any bad things against anyone . She didn 't blame anyone for her upbringing , her station in life . She just lived . And she knew how to live and have fun . That was the most difficult thing to take . There was also the problem with Buck 's family . They didn 't go after Lily , they came after me . They went after me and Cindy got in the way and killed for it . At least I killed those assholes . I didn 't leave the house for the next week at all , except for the funeral . It was sunny until about 10am when the clouds rolled in . It appeared that even God did not want to watch the funeral of a person so full of life and joy . All the sunshine was taken with her . It even started raining a little just when we laid her to rest , like even God had tears to be shed for her . I just prayed that there was a God , because Cindy deserved the best and she could even brighten his day . Everyone there was local except for her mother . I finally met her mother , who looked exactly like what I expected . She was a little too tan , a little too flashy , and a little too much of everything in every way . She was the cliché I had always seen on TV and dismissed : divorced , but still playing the game , living in a small home in Florida , and probably chasing some man or other every moment . We only spoke briefly . She looked me over good . " My daughter said good things about you . I also know that you are the one that killed her killers . Thanks . " What do you say to that ? I thanked her and worked on getting through the funeral and wake without getting too emotional . Earlier in the week , Rhonda had mentioned that they might want me to stand up and give the eulogy . I passed on that and vehemently told her no . The worst part was when someone came up and wanted to talk about what if felt like to kill somebody . He asked it loud enough that several people were shocked and stared at him almost as much as I did . If stares could kill , I would have left him a smoking hole in the ground . I didn 't answer ; I just turned and walked away . I left the wake after that . I didn 't want anything else to do with that crowd and I was still feeling responsible . It was at the end of that week that I thought of something that puzzled me . I had been wallowing in self pity and beating myself up over getting her killed when it came to me . I called Detective Wilson and asked how the Boyds could have possibly known where I was and where Cindy lived . He looked into his notes and hesitated for a moment . " They went by Lily Johnson 's café and she told them . " I was shocked . I was dismayed . I was angry . Did Lily tell them because she was angry with me , jealous of Cindy , what ? She had accused me of going after someone who worked for her on purpose . What a bitch ! The more I thought about it the angrier I became . She had done it because I had moved on and she was jealous of Cindy . That had to be it . She couldn 't stand the fact that I moved on and she didn 't have me fawning over her any more . I was not going to let her get away with that . I was going to make her regret it . I got dressed and called her home phone . She answered the phone and I hung up as soon as she answered , confirming that she was home . I didn 't want to talk to her on the phone ; I wanted to do this in person . I rushed out to my car and headed to her house . By the time I got there I had worked myself into a dark rage . I pulled up to her house , got out and slammed my car door . I was going to make her pay for this . I stomped up to the front door , and it opened before I could knock . Lily was standing there ; she must have expected me . She was wearing her robe . I just walked right past her and waited for her to close the door . I stopped in her den and turned to her . " You told them where to find us , didn 't you ? ! " I was yelling and she flinched at that . " Yes . " She answered meekly and I could see some fear in her eyes , but I could also see something that looked like sad acceptance of what she considered her shitty life . I could see that she had been crying , but nothing could deter me from what I wanted from her . " You fucking jealous bitch . " I advanced on her . " You couldn 't stand that Cindy and I had something special , could you ? You were jealous that I had moved on from you . " I was now standing very close to her , advancing as I yelled , scaring her . She was backing up as I moved toward her , invading her personal space . " You just had to tell them where we were , and now she 's dead ! How do you feel about that ? ! " She stared at me , tears starting to fall down her face , but I didn 't care . I was in the blackest mood I had ever been in . I had finally backed her up enough that she hit her legs on the couch , sat down , and I stood over her . She finally answered me . " Terrible . I loved Cindy , too . " " You loved Cindy ? Well you had a fucking terrible way of showing it , didn 't you ? You pointed two armed men in our direction and might as well have said ' Go ahead , kill them ' ! And then you didn 't even call to warn us or call the police to have them get there before the Boyds ! " Lily struggled to her feet and I waited to see what was next . I couldn 't bring myself to punch her , but I sure wanted to . I stood there with my hands clenched at my side , taking deep breaths because I was so worked up . She walked past me and pulled a belt from her jeans that she had hung on the back of a dining room chair . I stared at her and got ready for a fight . She was going to defend herself with the belt . I backed up and got ready . Instead , she held the belt out for me . What ? I stared at it and then snatched it from her grasp . She turned around and dropped the robe , leaving her naked , facing away from me . She leaned over and put her hands on the couch and looked back at me as I stared at her alabaster skin . " Whip me ! " She shouted at me , tears streaming down her face . I stood there stunned . " Beat me until you can forgive me ! " She turned and put her head down and started sobbing . " Maybe then I can forgive myself . " I stared at the belt in my hand and at her bare ass . My anger went up again . " Forgive you ? You think I could ever forgive you for that ? " And then I hit her with the belt . I let her have it across her ass and she flinched and jumped , but returned to the position . " I 'll show you a beating , you worthless bitch . How could you ever tell those assholes anything and not warn us ? ! ? ! You fucking bitch ! " I hit her a couple more times , shouting all the time . " You fucking bitch ! " Then I realized what I was doing and my rational brain came to life . I don 't remember exactly how many times I hit her , but when she collapsed against the couch and I stopped , she had several red stripes across her back and ass and was sobbing uncontrollably . I was out of breath from yelling and swinging the belt . I was surprised at the number of stripes I saw across her back . It had to be at least 5 hard whips with a leather belt , and I stopped as soon as I realized I was out of control . My rage was diminished now and I looked at the damage I had done and immediately regretted it . I hated what she had done , but I hated what I had done more . I had wanted to hurt her , but this was too much . I was too strong to be swinging a belt like that at her . I threw the belt on the floor in disgust and started toward the door . I had to get out of there . I heard a noise and I looked back and she had collapsed onto the floor . She seemed to be in an awkward position , so I walked over and picked her up and lay her on the couch . I covered her with her robe and then I decided to leave before I said anything else , but she reached out and grabbed my hand . I looked down at her . She seemed barely conscious , so I was surprised at what she said . " I 'm so sorry , Jon . I wish it would have been me , but they didn 't threaten me , they threatened Lauren . They said they would eventually find her no matter what happened . I 'm so sorry . " She turned into the couch and seemed to just pass out . I stared at her . Fuck ! Talk about sapping me of my anger and what remained of my strength ! I almost collapsed in disbelief . How could I forget that ? I was so depressed and angry and self - centered on my own grief that I was not thinking clearly enough to see that they would have used her daughter against her . Shit ! I just beat her unmercifully and she took it because she felt as guilty as I did . She could have told me before , but she felt so awful over Cindy 's death that she just took the punishment as her atonement . It wasn 't until I finished that she told me about their threat . I stared down at her poor abused body and wished I could crawl into a hole . There was no way I could ever forgive myself for being such an egotistical asshole . I never did ask her why ; I just assumed that she did it to get back at me based on my own ego and self pity . I continued to stare down at her . I couldn 't leave her like this . It was too much . I had done too much damage and now felt as bad as I ever had . I had lost my temper in the worst way and taken it out on a young woman who was only protecting her child . I sat in the chair next to the couch , trying to come to grips with what I had just done , but also shocked at how blind I had been to the truth . After a few minutes of staring , catching my breath , trying to comprehend my actions , and watching her as her body tried to accept what I just did , I got up and went to her bedroom . I pulled back the covers and got it ready . I then went into the den and carefully picked her up . She was exhausted and passed out , but still seemed to flinch at any contact with where I had beaten her . Fuck ! I was such an asshole . I carried her into her bed and lay her down there . I made sure she was on her stomach and then I looked for some lotion in her bathroom medicine cabinet . I poked around and found some lotion that was for sunburns and figured that would be good for the injuries that came from being beaten with a belt ; a beating that I had done . When I got back to the bedroom I looked at the damage and was shocked at what I had done . I sat on the bed and rubbed lotion into the angry red marks that lined her back and ass . Her skin was pale and sensitive and the marks showed vividly , with some swelling around them . She moaned a couple of times , but didn 't wake up . I couldn 't believe I had hurt someone like this . I had never , ever thought I would take a belt to someone like this , in anger or for any other reason . I had lost my mind . After I had tried to provide some relief to the wounds , I covered her with just a sheet and I went into the den and tried to call my mother , but she wasn 't home and I didn 't want to call her cell . I lay on the couch , turned on the TV , and tried to watch something to take my mind off what I had just done . I don 't know why I was staying , but I figured I should at least make sure she was okay when she woke up . With my anger depleted and the last few days behind me , I fell asleep . When I woke , it was to being lightly shaken . I came to with a sudden jerk and the person who was shaking me uttered a surprised ' Oh ' . I sat up , shaking the sleep from my eyes and saw Lily 's mother closing the front door and Lauren standing in front of me . Lauren didn 't say anything , so I smiled weakly . " Hello , Lauren . " I looked up at her . " I 'm fine . I was just talking to Lily and she and I were both pretty worked up about , you know , everything , so she went to bed and I guess I fell asleep here on the couch . What time is it ? " I stared at her , willing myself to look innocent , but feeling that she could see right through me and knew that I had beaten her daughter . " I don 't know . It 's been a rough time for all of us . " I thought about that . Close ? Is that what we had become ? Close ? Lovers ? More than that ? Did it matter now ? " I 'm getting better . Yes , we had become … quite close . " I stood up . " I need to use the bathroom . I 'll be right back . " I got up and slowly made my way back to the common bath . I watched carefully to see what Mrs . Johnson and Lauren would do and they went into the kitchen . That allowed me to quickly duck into Lily 's room and check on her . I found her still on her stomach , covered by a sheet . All her wounds were hidden . I looked out into the hallway and the coast was clear so I rushed into the bathroom , flushed it , and came out to go into the kitchen . Mrs . Johnson was checking out the kitchen , which looked like a mess . " I can see that Lily has been falling behind in doing the dishes . " She was stacking dirty dishes in the sink . " Yeah , I guess so . " I needed to get out of here . " Mrs . Johnson , I think I 'm going to head home now . Lily has been sleeping for a while and I need to get home . " Mrs . Johnson looked at Lauren . " Lauren , don 't you have more homework to get done ? " Uh - oh . Here it comes . She knows something . Mrs . Johnson stared at me . " Jon , tell me what 's going on here . Lily has been upset for a week over what happened and I know she feels responsible . I also know that if you found out she was the one that told them where Cindy lived , that you might be angry about that . She told me she felt responsible because she was afraid to call anyone and warn them after you left . So what 's going on here ? You are the last person I expected to see here . " I stared at the floor , but there were no answers there . I decided to give a bit of the truth . " I came over angry when I found out about her telling the Boyds where Cindy lived and Lily and I fought about it . I think I understand her side of it better now and she and I were both exhausted after that , so after she went to her room I lay on the couch and just happened to fall asleep . " Mrs . Johnson stared at me , searching my face for the truth . I was petrified that the actual truth was written on my forehead . " Okay . " She kept looking at me and I tried not to show her my unease . " I 'm going to check on Lily . Are you going to stick around ? " I walked through the den and told Lauren good - bye and headed for my car . I could do nothing but hope that Mrs . Johnson didn 't see Lily 's injuries and that Lily didn 't mention them . If she did , well - I deserved whatever I got after what I had done . When I got home , my mother was in the kitchen fixing some dinner . " Oh , good . I was hoping you were going to be home for dinner , Jon . Where did you run off to ? " She left it at that and she finished the pot of soup she was making and brought two bowls to the table . I got up and got a beer out of the fridge and we ate and discussed anything but the one subject that was foremost in both our minds . I finished four beers with dinner and then collapsed on the couch with my fifth while my mother flipped channels . I didn 't see anything . I was wondering what I was going to do about Lily . I would have to see her again tomorrow and discuss what had happened so that we could clear the air . It was also important for me to determine what kind of trouble I was going to be in . I lost Cindy last week and now had beaten Lily so that she would never want to see me again . My life had fallen into a chasm so deep I couldn 't see a way out . After enough beer I finally fell into a restless sleep . Chapter 15 : The shit hits the fan . I woke the next morning feeling terrible about the beer drinking and about Lily . I felt so bad that I was afraid to call her . Several times I picked up my cell , but each time I stopped . Finally , I got cleaned up and decided I had to see her . I had to face the music . One lesson they always taught us in the military was that bad news does not get better with age . You have to face the music about a bad decision or action immediately . I knew I had to do that now . While I was driving to Lily 's I suddenly remembered that she was running a café and might not be home . I certainly couldn 't do this at her place of work and it had taken me a lot of time to work up the courage to get to this point . I sure hoped she was home . I pulled up and saw her car and breathed a sigh of relief , then had a moment of panic . I was glad she was home , but freaked out about seeing her . What the hell do I say to her ? How do I apologize for being so self - centered and self - focused ? I took a deep breath and walked to her door . I rang the doorbell . There was no answer . I tried several times , to no avail . I called her cell and it went to voice mail . I finally gave up and went home . When I got home I was in for a worse surprise . I saw Mrs . Johnson 's car in front of our house . Oh , shit ! Did she know ? What do I do now ? When I entered , my mother and Mrs . Johnson were sitting on the couch and Lily was standing off to one side , staring at the floor . Maybe she couldn 't even sit down . The two mothers looked up at me , one with unbridled hatred and the other with shock and dismay . I felt worse than I had ever felt when I did something wrong as a teenager . I could see the shame on my mother 's face and that was the worst thing . My mother started on me immediately . I didn 't even get a chance to sit down . " Jon Kenton , how could you take a belt to Lily like this ? What the hell have you done ? Do you know what her back looks like ? How could you ever strike a woman like this ? " I continued walking until I sat down in one of the easy chairs . I looked at the two mothers , both of them waiting for some response to that . But what could I say ? " I 'm sorry . Yes , I did it . I wish I could take it back , but I was so angry that I didn 't even think . I 'm sorry . " I hung my head and looked at my feet , unable to look either one of them in the eyes . Mrs . Johnson then got in the act . When she spoke I looked up to see her eyes blazing and showing that she wished only the best diseases on me . " The only reason I 'm not pressing charges is that Lily says she asked you to do it and won 't cooperate . Is that right ? " I looked up at the sad face of Lily . " Yes , ma ' am . But it 's still my fault . I should never have done it . I should have asked why she told them where Cindy and I were . I 'm so sorry . " They both stared at me , looking like they were still unable to believe that I had done this heinous act . It looked like they were waiting for me to say more , but I couldn 't think of anything . I had done it , it was wrong , I was an asshole . Mrs . Johnson stood up . " Well , Jon , you will never be welcome in my home again . I don 't want to ever see you around Lily again , you understand ? " " Yes , ma ' am . " I looked at the floor . She got up to leave and my mother walked her to the door . Lily stayed put . Lily turned to her mother . " Mother , please wait outside for a minute . I need to speak to Jon . " Lily 's mother started to protest , but Lily cut her off . " Mother ! Please . Just a minute . " Mrs . Johnson looked at me and then over at Lily . Finally , she left in a snit . My mother looked at the two of us and then left as well , leaving us along . Lily walked over to where I was sitting . I couldn 't look up into her face . I had hurt someone I thought I had feelings for in a way that I never thought I would . She reached down and lifted my chin up so that I had to look at her . She stared into my eyes her gaze never wavering . " I forgive you , Jon . It was my penance . I had to atone for what I had done . I will always protect Lauren , but I should have called someone immediately after they left . I was just scared into inaction . Can you forgive me for what I did ? " I stared up at this beautiful woman , scarred so early in life , and my beating had just added to it . " Lily , after learning the truth , there was nothing to forgive . You were protecting your child , something innate in a woman . I just don 't know why you felt that you had something to atone for and why you are forgiving me . It was unforgiveable what I did . " She smiled a sad smile . " No , Jon , it 's not unforgiveable . And don 't listen to my mother . I like you and would like to remain your friend . If you want to ask me out , I 'd like that , too . " I stared at her . " Are you sure ? " I couldn 't understand where this level of compassion was coming from , but I was glad . It was just like the Lily I knew from high school to do this . I didn 't know if I could ever fully forgive myself for it , but it made me feel a little better that she said she did . I stood up in front of her and went to hug her . She looked at me briefly , and then let me . I tried to be gentle , but I could feel her wince just a bit as I put my arms around her . " Lily , you are a very good person . I 'm sorry I hurt you . " She smiled a tired , sad smile . " I asked you to , remember ? " She looked back up and directly into my eyes , another intense gaze at me . " Yes , hence my atonement . It wasn 't just for telling them where you were . It was for getting you involved in the first place . It all started with inviting you over and you having your run - in with Buck . It started there and just kept snowballing . " " Okay . " I watched her leave , knowing that it would be awhile before I could forgive myself for being what I always despised in other people ; self - centered to the point of ignoring someone else 's position or situation . I didn 't know if I could ever call her or see her again . While standing there my mother came back in . She looked at me differently . " I don 't know who you are anymore Jon . I would have never suspected that you could do something like that . " " I think it would be best if you figured out what you are going to do with your life and get to it . I 'm going to go over to the mall and do some shopping . I can 't be around you right now . " I watched her leave and sat down heavily . At least it was out in the open . I didn 't have to worry about being blind - sided by it later . I headed back to my bedroom and flopped onto the bed . Maybe I could get some sleep . I now felt responsible for Cindy 's death and Lily 's strapping . It was not a red letter day for Jon Kenton . After thinking about what my mother said , I decided to head up to Chicago and see a friend of mine . I had to get away from this little town and all the bad memories that were running around in my head . It was the only way I could face tomorrow . I called ahead and reached his cell . He lived in LaGrange . I packed a small bag and left within an hour . I left my mother a note , afraid to speak to her on her cell . It was a gray winter 's day on the trip up , matching my mood . There was no room for sunshine in my life right now . I arrived at about 10pm and Jim opened the door and greeted me with a big hug and then asked me in . He had about 8 people there and they were all watching some movie . He could tell that I was not in the mood and pulled me into the kitchen . " What 's going on , Jon ? " He looked at me closely . He and I had been to Afghanistan together . He was in another platoon in the same company . " Jon , what 's this about ? " He stared at me . " Fuck ! Wait here . " He went into the other room and I could hear him . " Okay , everybody out . " There were protestations and questions about why . " I need to talk to my buddy . We can do this some other time . Right now , he 's got problems that need immediate attention and I need to give it to him . " They were not happy , but he eventually shooed all of them out ; after all , we were military family . He came back into the kitchen . " So tell me the longer version . " I started telling it and he and I went through about a six pack . After he heard the entire story , he sat back and looked at me . " Wow ! That is some story . How did you leave it with Lily ? " " Alright listen , there 's a bar just around the corner that has some pool tables . It 's only midnight so we have a couple of hours . Shall we go there and finish off this drunk ? It 's all on foot . We can do that ! " We traipsed down to the bar and the pool tables were full . We sat at the bar and had another drink and then some guy started roughing up his girlfriend . She was taking it , too . I don 't know why . My rule was to never get involved in a domestic dispute and never , ever do it in a bar . I stayed away and the bartender finally broke it up and ushered them out . I wondered if I could ever pass judgment on someone like that again after my actions . I was awakened the next morning at 9am , way too early , but my cell was buzzing and it was sitting on a table that amplified the vibrations . I reached for it as my hand shook and my head said no to everything . " Hello ? " " There 's nothing much to say . I overreacted and did exactly what you saw to Lily . I was angry and depressed and didn 't even ask why she did it . She didn 't tell me they had threatened Lauren until she collapsed and I laid her on the couch . Until then I didn 't even think about it . I was too focused on my own pain . " I closed my cell and tried to get back to sleep , but my mother 's call cleared my head of all but the alcohol . It made me realize that there was unfinished business back home . My running to Chicago would do nothing to resolve that . I waited until Jim got up and told him that I was going to have to go right back . Jim stared at me . " You sure ? " We ate breakfast and then I gave him a good manly handshake and quick hug . He looked me in the eye . " I mean it . You need something you call me . I can come down there , too . Got it ? " I left and started driving . I thought about what I was going to do there . I was a little afraid of staying in that small town after what I had done to Lily . If that ever got around , I 'd be toast in the entire county . But the more I thought about it the more I decided to at least give it a try . At the next exit , I got off I - 55 and pulled in to fill up my car . I also pulled out my wallet and retrieved the card of the prosecutor who asked me to be an investigator for them . I called him and told him I was willing to give it a try , He said that since it was Wednesday I could wait until next week and then we 'd get together and go over the work . With that accomplished , I felt better about at least starting toward becoming a productive member of society again . It also made me feel better about myself . I had not felt good in a while with all that had been going on in my life . It would provide me something to focus on while I decided what I really wanted to do with the rest of my life . Finally , about 8pm , I pulled into my driveway . My mother came out of the house to greet me and gave me a big tearful hug . We walked into the house before she said anything . She gave me a wan smile . " Yes , you are . But you 're not a saint and it just shows that you are a fallible human . " The following Monday I reported to the county courthouse and met with the DA . He told me what kinds of things I would be doing . It 's mostly a boring job being an investigator for the DA . You have to do all kinds of research , track down information , and sometimes actually do something exciting . I told him I 'd take it . I was looking for boring and steady . Darrin walked me out and introduced me to a young woman who had just graduated from law school and was working for the DA 's office . She took me to a small office that was to be mine and then walked me around , introducing me to everyone else in the office . Finally , she asked if I was ready for lunch , and since it was almost noon by this time I agreed . We walked directly across the street to a small tavern that evidently served a good lunch . She looked at me for a few seconds . " Well , I 'm from Saint Louis and just graduated from law school at Wash U . I wanted to work in town , but this was the best place for me to be close to the family , but far enough away at the same time , you know what I mean ? " She grinned . " Yeah , I know what the approved salary for the investigator was set at and it 's less than mine . It 's abysmal . " " So , Jon , how did you end up here ? I heard about the run in with Buck . James told me about it and I saw the case when it was coming up for trial . " I told her about my life and my mother . Then we got to the present . " Well , you probably also know about the situation with Cindy Tomlinson and the shootings . " " Yeah , I heard . I was initially surprised that the DA wanted someone who was involved in a deadly shooting for this job . But from what I heard he is not going to press charges . I figured there still might be more to it than the rumors . " " To be truthful , everything happened so fast , I don 't remember how all the shooting happened . " I lied , knowing that I couldn 't tell the truth . I remembered everything perfectly , although some of it through an Afghanistan induced flashback . There was nothing to be gained by telling her that . We finished lunch and she took me back to the office and so began my life as an investigator . Over the next couple of weeks , I had to learn more about doing computer searches and how to get access to other restricted resources than I had ever imagined . Diane was engaged and I was off the market , at least I was not even considering dating at that time , so we had lunch a lot when we were both in the office . She turned out to have a quick , biting wit , and a very good eye about people . It was about a month later that I was having dinner with Diane at one of the more upscale restaurants after we had both been in court all day . It was about 7pm and her fiancé had called and had to work late . We decided to have dinner together . We were dressed up from court and enjoying our meal . I had started earlier than her as she cleaned up some paperwork and was already on my fourth beer when she joined me . While we ate , she came up with some good one - liners to make fun of some of the key people in the case . I was enjoying all this when I saw Lily for the first time since our last meeting . I had avoided her café like the plague since our falling out , and it wiped the smile from my face . She walked in with a man and they were shown to a table directly behind me . Lily saw me turn and watch them be shown to their seats and gave me one of her present - day wan smiles . I waved quickly and Diane watched to see who I was waving to . Diane looked at me . " Pretty . How do you know her ? " " Yeah , I saw it . I wanted to prosecute it , but I was too new for the DA to assign it to me . She 's pretty . I thought during the trial that they said that you were going over there for a date ? What happened after that ? " " She closed me off . She said she wasn 't going to see me anymore because Buck and his family would come after me . She got that right , eh ? " I just looked down at my food and Diane and I continued to eat . We got to dessert and Diane excused herself to go to the ladies ' room . I got beer number five . Dessert arrived and I waited for Diane . She came back from around my left side and sat down in her chair across from me . Lily followed her and sat down in the chair between us to my left . She looked up at me and then over at Diane . Diane spoke first . " Jon , I saw that she couldn 't take her eyes off you and when she went to the ladies ' room , I followed . I asked her if she needed to talk to you and so here she is . So talk . " Diane stood up and left . She was going to make a good prosecutor . She had a sense about people and could see right through them . I took in Lily 's appearance as she sat and said hello . Her hair was pulled back , baring her beautiful pale neck . She had a nice slim neck that looked delicate and delectable and she had dressed it in a small strand of pearls . She was wearing just enough makeup to accent her beautiful cheekbones and eyes . Her dress was a nice black dress with thin straps and it came down to about her knees . She looked wonderful - and I hated that I couldn 't get her out of my mind . " I 'm okay . " She looked down at her hands and over at her date . " I can 't talk long . My date will be getting antsy . " She looked back at me , staring into my eyes . " I just want you to know that I really do forgive you . You don 't have to avoid me or my café . I like you Jon . " I could have fallen into those eyes . They always mesmerized me and I could feel their pull and attraction . I wanted to hold her , kiss her , and make love to her again . But I was still unable to forgive myself . " Thanks , Lily . I always liked you . I just don 't think it 's in the cards for us . " " What 's not in the cards ? We can 't even say hello ? You can 't even stop by and visit my café for lunch ? No , I don 't buy it . You are not over what happened between us . I just want to say that I am . I 'm over it . I want to move forward and stop dwelling in the past . I want you to do the same . Even if we never have a date , I want you to know that I will always be your friend . Is that okay , Jon ? " She reached out and put her hand on top of mine . I flinched and felt the warmth of it . I looked up at her and she was smiling , but she had this sad look on her face , like she had just lost a friend , and I thought it might be me . I tried to smile , but couldn 't . " I would like to think that we are still friends . I just need some more time . " Lily smiled . " It 's nothing . Just a first date . You know me on first dates . Besides , you are the one who told me I needed this . " She then grinned at me and it looked brighter than I had seen in a long time . " But if it will make you jealous , I 'll fawn over him . " I tried to smile at her attempt at teasing me , but I know she saw through it . " It 's your date , Lily . Do what you want . " She looked at me sadly and put her hand on my shoulder . " See you later , Jon - I hope . " She left and returned to her date . " When I spoke to her , I could tell she was hung up on you . She would rather be sitting here with you than her date , and she jumped at the chance to talk to you . I guess that 's why she was staring at you and ignoring her date . " " Oh , yeah . Well , I was hung up on her in high school , but that was years ago . " About that time the waiter came by and I asked for a scotch - a double . I was going to do this drunk right . She looked around and spoke jokingly . " Do I look like I just lost 50 points off my IQ ? I thought that you respected me , but if you think I 'll believe that , then I 'll have to reevaluate . " I rolled my eyes and tried to look entertained . " Okay , okay . So I had a thing for her . It was over long ago and we can 't get back there now . " " Well , my fiancé is going to be working late and won 't get home for a couple of hours . We live in an apartment just down the street , so drink to your heart 's content . We have a couch that is very comfortable . " " Yes , you do . I think you are , too , from the conversations we 've had . Don 't deny it , Jon . You are , too , aren 't you ? " " Yeah , whatever . " I finished off my first scotch and waved to the waiter for another one . Diane just shook her head . We traded more barbs and I finished 5 scotches by the time Lily and her date were ordering dessert . I had gotten well along toward my drunk after six beers and five double scotches . Diane said it was time to go so we paid and I stood up , albeit shakily . She helped me to the door and down the street to her apartment . We stumbled in and I was slightly aware of my surroundings at this point . She put me down in an easy chair , and I could barely make out that she was pulling out a couch with a hide - a - bed . Things were definitely getting a little fuzzy . She was talking into her phone , but I couldn 't make it out . I was very tired and the drunkenness was making me pass out . I leaned back and smiled . I was dozing off when I felt someone help me out of my jacket , shirt , shoes , socks and pants , leaving me in my boxers . They lay me down and covered me up . I fell fast asleep . I woke about 6am , having to go to the bathroom - badly . I slowly rose and looked around . It was dark still , but I saw a night light coming from the hallway . I walked that direction and found that there was indeed a small light in the bathroom off the hallway . I went in and peed for about a minute . I had way too much liquid in me . It 's funny how you can consume all those liquids , but get dehydrated . I washed my hands and headed back to the couch . When I got in there , I noticed that there was a human lump under there on the other side . That was odd . I couldn 't remember anything about getting onto the couch or how I got down to my boxers , and I couldn 't understand why someone would be covered up with me on the fold out couch . Shit , I hope it wasn 't Diane . The last thing I needed was an office romance with an engaged woman . Her fiancé was even coming home last night if I remember correctly . I went over and lifted the edge of the blanket and found myself staring at a sleeping Lily . I had an immediate flashback to the last time I woke to her pretty face . It was not a nice awakening , but she looked so peaceful lying there . I walked around and lay back down on my side . I was too tired and hung over to do anything about it , so I just went back to sleep . The next time I woke it was very bright . Diane 's apartment faced south and the morning sun was starting to come in . I looked up and found that the other side of the hide - a - bed was empty . I looked around . No sign of Lily . Was it my imagination ? Was it a dream ? I sat up and my head reminded me that I wasn 't supposed to partake of alcohol in large quantities . At that moment I agreed . I stretched and heard someone in the bathroom . I waited for a few minutes and then the bathroom door opened behind me . I just sat there , trying to make the headache go away when a vision walked in front of me . It was Lily . I grunted . She was still beautiful , and was only in her bra and panties . I stared , a little shocked , a little horny , and a lot confused . " Maybe . " My voice sounded terrible . I rubbed my head . My libido was wondering what exactly she might be offering for breakfast , but my head wouldn 't let me concentrate . " Well , after Diane brought you home , she called my cell . I had given her my number at the restaurant , just in case , you know ? So I came over to help you get comfortable and stayed . " " She 's with grandma ; her favorite person right now . " She waited for something else from me . " See , you have no excuse not to take me out for breakfast after all that . " She grinned . " I didn 't want to mess up my nice new dress . " She looked down and ran her hands over her body . " Do you like my new lingerie set ? " I stared at her body now that she had given me the chance to look it up and down . The panties and bra were both black and had lace around the edges . The panties were full , but high cut . The bra flattered her breasts , pushing them up a little . The set flattered her - well , fuck , everything . She looked fucking great . Shit ! I had to get away from her . I just nodded . " Just a minute . " I grabbed my clothes , made my way into the bathroom , and tried not to look at myself in the mirror , but couldn 't help it . Oh , boy . I looked like hell . I got dressed , took a leak , washed my face and hands , and then tried to rinse my mouth a little . I felt like the Afghanistan terrain looked . " You were staring at me . Do I have something in my hair or on my dress ? " She was running her hands over her head and looking up and down her dress . We left the apartment after Lily wrote a note and proceeded down the stairs . When we got outside the sun attacked me . I couldn 't open my eyes toward it and I shielded myself with my hands . " Damn ! It 's bright out here . " Lily took my arm . " Don 't worry . I 'll guide you . " Again with the playfulness . What the hell has happened in the last month ? She used to be closed off to me and now she wants to talk , trade friendly banter , and what else ? She offered to go out with me . Is that what I wanted ? Could I do that without thinking of what I did to her ? Or what happened to Cindy ? While ruminating on one of the major issues of my life , Lily guided me across the street to a small breakfast café . The main street in this town was not large , but it had several places to eat breakfast . This one was a small café with seating for only about 25 people . Lily led us over to a table in the back , thankfully away from the sunny windows and we sat down . When I looked up , I noticed that there were about 10 people in the place and they were all staring at us . I chuckled . " I just noticed everyone checking us out . You are in a cocktail dress and I 'm in my clothes from last night . We look like quite a pair at this time of the morning . " She looked around and the people tried not to let on that they were looking . " Yeah , well , let ' em look . I don 't care . " I looked up at Lily . I was still a little uncomfortable being around her . I leaned over so that not everyone could hear the conversation . " What the hell is going on , Lily ? I mean we had a date , a second one went awry , you come over drunk one night and attack me , and then ignore me . Finally , after Cindy is killed , I whip you and now you are suddenly acting like a love struck schoolgirl coming after me . " She looked at me for a few seconds and then took a deep breath and let it out as a large sigh . " Look , I 'm not acting like a love struck schoolgirl . It 's just that , well , I was an idiot . There , is that what you wanted to hear ? " " About all of it . After our first date and our discussions over dinner I wanted to be with you in the worst way . I was really attracted to you , but it scared me . I wanted to protect Lauren , I had prepared myself to be a single mother , and I was still afraid of Buck and bringing a man into my life . As you can see , my past history with men was not good . I was going to tell you all this on the night that Buck was there . Unfortunately , that event scared me more than I thought it would . I tried to deny my feelings about you for a while after that , and by the time I realized my mistake , you were with Cindy . When I found out about you and Cindy I got jealous and angry . Once I realized that , I knew that I really wanted what you initially said - just to find out if we had a chance . When you came over that day , I wanted you to hit me . I wanted you to take your anger out on me because I felt so guilty about everything ; denying my feelings , being jealous , telling Buck 's family and not being brave enough to call after they left . I just wanted … well , I just wanted for us to have a chance again . " She paused after rushing to get all of that out . She looked up at me and tried to smile . " So . Do we have a chance again ? Is there anything I can say that will convince you that I 'm over that incident with the belt ? " " Well . Please don 't be angry about this , but I 've been over to your house talking to your mother a few times after you left for work . We talked through all of this and she helped me understand some of what I was feeling . Then she referred me to a doctor at the hospital who helped me understand my life and made me want to try to live for me again , not just for Lauren . " At that moment the food came and I tried to eat as much as I could . The sausage tasted wonderful and the eggs were okay . The toast went down well , too . However , the first belch that came up tasted like sausage and I stopped trying to finish it . We didn 't talk much during that period and finally , after I put my fork down and pushed my plate back , Lily was ready to leave . We got the check and I paid , and then we went back to my car , which was only four blocks away at the courthouse . I was still squinting because of the sun and my head was hurting . Lily held out her hand as we approached my car . " Here , let me . You don 't look like you should be driving . " She stopped in front of me , her hand still out . " Bullshit . You shouldn 't be driving at all . I just read a report about how people are almost as dangerous and apt to have an accident with a hangover as when they are drunk . " She grinned and walked around to the driver 's side . We got in and she drove to her house , fiddling with my radio the entire way . We finally arrived and I felt better , but tired . " No , I don 't think so . I can 't … I mean I don 't think I can … well , I just can 't . " She stared at me with those penetrating blue eyes . " Okay , Jon . You know where I live , where I work , and you know my home and cell phone numbers . When you are ready , I 'm here . " She got out of the car and headed toward her house . It was probably now almost 11am and I watched as she opened her door . She turned and smiled at me and then blew me a kiss . I was shocked . She had not shown much in the way of this kind of playfulness since I had come back home . She was a like that in high school , but it was definitely new for the adult Lily that I knew . I had to figure out what I was doing with my life and the amount of alcohol I had drunk was not helping me . Could I do something about Lily or not ? Could I really see myself with her after all we had been through ? From Parts I - V : I returned from Afghanistan , having been shot in the shoulder and having two surgeries to repair it . I got out of the Army to help my mother who had bladder cancer and ran into the high school girl on whom I had had a crush . I found out she was a single mother of a young daughter and tried to ask her out , only to have her accuse me of treating her like someone who I thought couldn 't take care of herself and needed to be saved . She realized her mistake and we dated once then I was invited to her house , where I ran into her ex , who had drugged her and then knocked me out . After the incident , Lily says she won 't see me anymore , but then , one night she arrived , drunk , and fucks me . When she wakes , she says it was a mistake and goes back to not seeing me anymore . After a few weeks of being ignored and turned down by Lily , I asked the waitress Cindy out and she proved to be a sexual dynamo . After getting very close to Cindy and having wonderful sex , Buck gets sentenced and his family comes after me , leading to Cindy getting killed . When I find out that Lily had sent Buck 's family to Cindy 's address , I take it out on Lily … with a belt . Then I find she was protecting her daughter and I feel shitty . Our mothers find out and I am lucky I escape with my life . I visit a buddy in Chicago , but must return home and move on . I start a new job as the DA 's investigator and run into Lily one night . She throws herself at me , but I cannot get away from the past . < / i > I continued to think about the situation with Lily . I just couldn 't seem to get past what we had been thru . It was too difficult to think about with the hangover still affecting me , so I decided to put it out of my mind for a while . It was a few days later , a Saturday , and I was working on tracking down something on a guy who was being charged with grand larceny . The prosecutor had asked for information on the guy from his previous employers and his previous living location . I was checking it out using some web sites that the district attorney 's office had paid for access to . It was amazing to me what was put on line . I was sitting there at about 2 : 30 , taking a break and ingesting my favorite Diet Pepsi and a turkey sandwich from the deli across the street , when several phones started ringing quickly in succession . First the DAs phone went off , and then it went to each of the other offices . I glanced around . Whoever was calling was working through all the lawyers in the office . It was a Saturday , but all of them rang . I wondered what was so important that this would happen . I continued to finish my sandwich as I surfed for information and checked my email . I was bored and was getting ready to leave when my cell phone went off . I took it out and looked at the number . I didn 't recognize it , but took the call . " Yes , I know . Sounds ridiculous , but there was some sort of riot there and then a few guys got out . Buck was one of them . " " Roger that . I 'll be on the lookout for him around here . That 's why you 're calling , right ? You think he might try to come here ? " " Definitely . You were the one who caught him at Ms . Johnson 's house and then you were the one who killed his father and brother . I don 't know if he 's going to try to find out where you live or if he already knows . I do know that he knows where Lily lives and he may try to use her to get to you . " " Okay . Got it . I 've got to go and see about Lily . Does she know yet ? " I had grabbed my stuff and logged out . I started heading toward the door . " Her mother does , but we haven 't been able to reach Lily . Do you have her cell number ? Her mother called , but said it went straight to voice mail . " " Bye . " I started my car and backed out in a hurry . This guy was a fucking lunatic and I was afraid for Lily and Lauren . I left that small town as I left a voice mail for my mother on her cell and Lily on her cell . Neither answered . I called the café and they said she had come by earlier to check on folks , but had left about noon . I called her house and got no response . I was worried . I called my mother 's land line and she answered . Her cell was off and plugged in charging . I told her the situation and said I would be home in about 20 minutes to pick up my gun . She didn 't even try to argue with me . She just said she would run it out to the car . She knew how dangerous this was . I pulled up in front of my house , slammed on the brakes , and my mother ran out and handed me my gun . I pulled it out , loaded it with the hollow points , and took off . I put it between my legs and rushed toward Lily 's . " No , but the local sheriff said they have a guy out front in a marked police car . He looked around and didn 't see any sign of anyone home and nobody answered the door . There was no sign of forced entry , so he 's just sitting out front . " " Procedure calls for them to stay with their vehicle . Sometimes they don 't follow that , but I made sure the Sheriff knew to tell his guy that . I 'd be careful . This may be a bad sign . " " No , Jon , let me call the sheriff and get some uniformed folks over there . The guy has to check in every so often , so they may already be on their way there . I 'm on my way , too . " I watched for a couple of seconds and , seeing nothing , jumped out and made my way around to the side . I stuck my gun into my belt and pulled my shirt over it as I approached the house . I tried to peek in a couple of windows . I didn 't see any movement of the curtains , the door , or any indication that anyone was home . But Lily 's car was there , the sheriff 's deputy was not in his car , and everything seemed way too quiet . I had that bad feeling again and the last time I had it Cindy was killed . I looked around quickly . I could feel my nerves calming as I slowed my breathing and concentrated on what to do . It had always worked for me in the Army and was working again . I was able to focus completely on the immediate actions . I had made my way around to the back yard , slowly opening the wooden fence gate without sound when I heard a sound I had hoped I wouldn 't . It was a muffled scream or cry for help , but there was no mistaking that it was from someone in trouble . I made it around to the back where Lily 's house had a kitchen door and a set of sliding glass doors from the dining room . I peeked at the kitchen door and it was closed up tight . I tried the doorknob lightly and found it was locked . Lily was always good at locking up . I moved around from the kitchen door toward the sliding glass doors that entered the dining room . The outer wall of this room was recessed about three feet further in than the kitchen so I peeked around the corner and saw what I needed to know . There was Lauren in a corner seemingly tied up . I could make out part of Lily sitting in a chair with ropes around her . As I moved along the outside wall indentation , trying to stay out of sight of most of the room , I also spotted what looked like a pair of feet from someone on the ground . They were not moving and I was betting that that was the deputy sheriff . I considered my options . There weren 't many . I was sure that the sliding doors were also locked and shooting through thick double - paned sliding doors was not a good idea . They could deflect any bullet quite a bit if the shot was at any sort of an angle , and the hollow points make it even more difficult to shoot thru them . It was about then that I heard a car come to a screeching halt out front . Somebody was not trying to be discreet about their arrival . I moved slowly out of sight of the windows and peeked around the corner . I couldn 't see much , but I heard a car door slam and I figured it had to be the sheriff . I knew that Detective Wilson would be much quieter . I was moving back toward the doors when I sensed movement at the back of the fence . I looked over and could see someone move furtively along the fence line , staying below the level of the fence . When they got out of sight of the windows , the individual stood up and grinned at me . It was Detective Wilson . He hurdled the fence and rushed over to me . I whispered my view of the layout . He nodded and then went around the side of the house . He pulled his cell phone out and I heard him whisper the information to someone , probably the sheriff . He came back . I nodded and waited while he moved around to the side of the doors . I heard the doorbell and then came Buck 's voice . " We 're busy ! Come back later ! " The sheriff shouted and his voice was deep and booming . " Open up , Buck . This is the sheriff . We know that you 're in there . You 're not going anywhere . Just come on out and we can settle this . " " Fuck you ! I got your deputy in here and he 's not doing so well . I also have Lily and Lauren . So back off , asshole , and I 'll call you when I 'm ready for my transportation . " Things went quiet after that . I waited and waited and heard more cars pull up out front . Then , suddenly , state police officers appeared on either side of the yard . They stared at me and one pointed his weapon at me . Detective Wilson came back around the corner and flashed his badge and scowled at the man . The man lowered his weapon . Detective Wilson pulled me back around the corner toward the gate . " I think we are done here . They are going to take over and run it like a typical hostage situation . They aren 't going to let us play anymore . Buck closed the curtains in the back , too , so now it gets more difficult . " We were just getting set for a hostage negotiator to start talking to him when my cell phone rang . I was standing in the middle of them and they all looked at me . I looked at the phone . " It 's Lily 's phone . " They all gathered around me . I answered it and put it on speaker . " Hello ? " " Listen to me , you murdering fucking bastard . If you want to see Lily or Lauren again , you get them to let you come into the house . If you come in , I just may let them go . " " Fuck you ! " Everyone stared at me . " I 'm not coming in on that promise . I 'll come in only if you promise to let Lauren go completely free . " He stared at me for a second . " I think you 've already sealed your fate . He wants you dead . I think as soon as you walk in there , he 's going to kill you . " " Shit ! Okay , how about this . When he lets Lauren out the front door , he 'll be standing right there . Do you have guys who can get a good rifle shot in there ? We can get him as he opens the door and grabs me . " He looked over at another cop who came over . " We have our snipers set up . They 're ready . Do you want us to take that shot ? " The sniper team leader told me how he wanted me to stand to allow them to see inside and to get Buck in the best position at the door . I looked around and took a deep breath . The negotiator turned back to me . " How do you feel ? " I took a deep breath . " Because it may be your only shot to get this resolved without everyone inside dying . We don 't know the status of Lily . We don 't know if the deputy sheriff is injured . We only know that we can draw Buck to the front door if you let me go up there , so I think it 's your best shot . " He mulled it over and then looked at his watch . He gave a thumbs - up to the sniper team leader , who gave him one back . Then he turned back to me . " Your two minutes are up . Get ready . " We then heard movement and the front door opened . As I started walking toward the house , I caught a glimpse of Lily 's mother on the far sidewalk where the police were keeping most of the crowd that had gathered . I just gave her a nod and continued walking toward the front door . I could almost feel the negotiator watching me closely . I walked toward it and saw Lauren appear in the door . She was being held back by Buck . I approached the front door stoop and when I reached the last concrete slab of the sidewalk right in front of the small stoop , he leaned around the corner and pointed this gun at me . I watched as he pointed it at me and let go of Lauren . She didn 't move . She slowly moved forward , pushing the screen door open and coming outside . Buck kept his gun trained on me . " Don 't move or you 're dead . " I just nodded and moved to the side as Lauren passed . I patted her on the head and made sure there was a clear line of fire for the snipers . I kept waiting for them to take the shot . Unfortunately , Buck wasn 't waiting . " I don 't need you anyway asshole . I have two other hostages . I 'll just get this part over with now . " I knew he was talking about shooting me and so I pivoted slightly to the side away from the snipers to dive for cover . I heard the report of Buck 's pistol and the sniper 's rifle shot at about the same time as I got hit in the lower back . I went down and the world was nothing but pain again . I looked up and saw all the police officers rush past me and into the house . One officer came to me and started putting his hand on my wound . He rolled me over and must have found an exit wound , because he put something on the front of me , too . The other officers started rushing into the house and I could hear radios barking and snatches of conversation . I was trying to watch them closely , but couldn 't tell what they found . I just knew that I was tired of being shot at . I felt another pair of hands at that moment and looked up to see Detective Wilson kneeling over me . " Did we get him ? " I managed to choke it out . I remember the EMTs arriving and feeling strange as they pumped me full of pain killers , put an IV in my arm , and put me on a gurney . I felt oddly detached . Then I was out . I awoke the next day in pain . I slowly opened my eyes and saw another hospital room . I was so fucking tired of hospitals . I was so fucking tired of being shot . I rolled my head to the side and there was Lily , dozing in a chair , looking disheveled , tired , and more beautiful than I had seen her in a long time . I groaned . I could see my mother behind her , also asleep in a chair . " They said that he grabbed a gun , but it had steel bullets or something like that , I couldn 't understand everything they said . It went right through your side and didn 't really damage anything important . You 're going to be fine . " She smiled , stared into my eyes , and tenderly ran her hand along my cheek . " And I 'm not leaving this time . I 'm staying . I 'm not going to let you go . You saved me , saved my daughter , and I 've been a fool . " She laughed at my question . " Yes , thank god . We don 't have to deal with any more of them . " Lily came around to my left side so that she could get around the IV running into my arm . My mother was awake by now and moved up along my right side . Lily leaned over and kissed me on the lips . I just lay there , trying to absorb all that had happened , and the painkillers were making it difficult . I did feel that familiar tingling that I always got from her and when she pulled back I gave her a small smile . She grinned . " Well , I have a café to run and your mother is here , so I 'm going to go . " She leaned back toward me and stared into my eyes . " Will you promise not to be a stranger in my life ? " " Good . I 'll bring Lauren around later . She is a celebrity at school and can 't stop talking about how much you have saved her and her mom . " I smiled and squeezed the hand that she had put on mine . Lauren said good - bye and she and my mother talked briefly . She left with a flourish and my mother and I talked for a while . My mother filled me in on their discussions over the last few weeks . I just smiled . " Mr . Kenton , Mr . Kenton ! " She raced up to my bed . Her eyes were luminous and her smile infectious . I couldn 't help but smile when I was around her . " Hi , Mr . Kenton . How are you feeling ? " I chuckled . " Yes , I know that . " I saw Lily 's mother move into the room just inside the door . She didn 't look angry any more , but she was not coming over to talk to me . She just stood there staring at me and Lauren . " How is school ? " Mrs . Johnson cleared her throat . " Okay , Lauren , that 's enough for now . The doctors said that he needed to rest , so we 'll see more of him later . " Mrs . Johnson let the door close without leaving . She stood there for a few seconds . " Jon , I want to thank you for saving my daughter and granddaughter . I am still angry about what you did to Lily , but thanks . " I was released on April Fool 's Day , which I found a little humorous . My mother , Lily , and Lauren were there . Lauren gave me a big hug and told me how much she liked me . It made me feel good . That Saturday , we had a little celebratory cookout in my back yard . The guests included Lily and Lauren , Detective Wilson , Diane and her fiancé , Dave , and my friend Jim from Chicago . Jim , of course , gave me a large fake purple heart in the manner of the award Samuel Jackson gave to Harrison Ford in Patriot Games . We ate and drank and my wound was healing quickly . It had been a steel - jacketed bullet and passed through me easily and quickly , just missing my kidney . I was very , very lucky . He looked over at her and she saw us both looking at her as she talked animatedly to my mother . She smiled . Jim smiled and turned back to me . " Well , she and her daughter are both so full of energy now . I think you should give her another chance . " He leaned closer to me . " I remember what you told me when you came up to Chicago . I could tell that you really felt badly about hurting her . I could also tell that you still had a thing for her . Admit it . " " I 've always had a thing for her . But this is real life , and everything doesn 't always work out in real life . I 've been shot twice , got really close to a beautiful Cindy only to have her killed , and have been working on keeping my mother healthy . You can see my life is working out real well . " I laughed . " Okay , you made your point . I 'll ask her out and we 'll see if we can get over everything that has happened . " I looked up and he was right . She was on her way over to us . Jim grinned and left us as she arrived . Lily joined me by sitting on the wide wooden arm , her body heat distracting me from everything else . She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek . I looked up at her . " Lily , will you go out with me ? " She grinned and I swear she was would have jumped up and down with glee if she hadn 't felt like that would have been a bit gauche . " Jon , I would love to go out with you . When ? " Lily looked at me for a second . " How about Tuesday ? I have that day off from the café and I want to invite you over for the dinner you never had . Sound good ? " On Tuesday night I was pulling up in front of Lily 's house , flowers and a bottle of wine on the seat , when I felt a flash of nervousness . It brought back memories of the last time I was here and Buck was at Lily 's house , but I managed to get to the door and have her answer it without problems . Lily greeted me with a big kiss and I was instantly hard . I wanted her so bad . She could feel it and just smiled and invited me in . We had a nice dinner without Lauren , who was with her grandmother . We finished and I told her I had a little bit of a headache . Lauren offered to get me some Tylenol while I moved to the living room . I got up and went in there while she fetched the Tylenol . It seemed to take longer than normal for her to get it , when I heard her come up behind me . She reached around from behind me , on both sides . One hand held a glass of water and the other some Tylenol . I took everything and gulped down the medicine . " D ' uh . I think it 's obvious . We haven 't really had a chance to have good sex without me being drunk . I want to correct that . " She watched my face . I didn 't say anything at first . I was a little shocked , but she took my silence the wrong way . I was thinking that it sounded wonderful and my headache was immediately forgotten . But Lily started to squirm and made a move to cover her nudity . She looked away from me and then back . " Please ? " " Are you sure we should move immediately to this stage of a relationship ? " " Yes , I think we should . Jon , I told you before that I was wrong and a little depressed and very confused . The shrink helped me understand that . Plus , I 'm really horny for you Jon . I have thought about this all day . " She regained her confidence and moved between my legs , putting her gorgeous pink - nippled tits right in my face . I grinned and palmed them . She groaned . I suddenly felt much better . I leaned forward and slowly circled one nipple with my tongue and the other I rolled with my fingers . " Oh , Jon . " She grabbed my head with both hands and held me there , suckling on her cotton - candy nipple . " You really do turn me on . " She leaned over and kissed me on the mouth . " No , it 's not nothing . I could see that it bothered you and I know that you cared for her . " She started to tear up . " I 'm sorry . " I grabbed her and pulled her down onto my lap , hugging her . She started sobbing , suddenly letting out a lot of apparently still withheld emotion . " I 'm sorry , Jon . I 'm still so sorry about what happened . " " Shhh . There 's nothing that can be done now . " Saying those words was hard , but I knew them to be true . I just couldn 't utter them before now . I couldn 't fully face the facts until I also felt and saw the hurt in Lily 's eyes and voice . She cried on my shoulder for a couple of minutes and then I picked her up and carried her to her bedroom . I laid her down and she held onto me , trying to pull me into bed with her . I resisted and stood up . I then undressed and crawled into bed with her . We just held each other and lay there for about 20 minutes although my dick was hard as a rock . Lily cried and just kept whispering to me to hold her . " Lily , you are a beautiful woman . You have always been desirable . You just didn 't let anyone get close enough to make you feel loved and cherished . If you had let someone , you would have found someone . " I kissed her . We kissed furiously , displaying the combination of our lust and our desire to get past our recent history . I ran my hands over that beautiful alabaster body that never seemed to tan , only freckle . She held onto my dick while I explored her tits and then her pussy , which was becoming very wet . We never stopped kissing and nipping each other 's tongues while we did this . I crawled up over her and she spread her legs . She guided my dick to her pussy and I slowly started to push . I pulled back . " Oh ! Condom ! " I didn 't need a second invitation . I slowly worked my dick into her , gathering her lubrication on my dick , until I was fully seated . Lily had her eyes closed . " So nice . " I grinned and started working in and out , feeling what was a very tight pussy for a woman nearing 30 with a kid . I tried to savor it , make it last . She threw her head back , which lifted up her tits and I assaulted first one then the other nipple . I was slowly plunging into her , making sure I ground up against her clit . She groaned . I had only been in her for a few minutes when she arched her back , grunted , and had a major orgasm . Her entire body spasmed and she started gasping for air . She looked wonderful . I slowed down , wondering if we should change positions , but she pulled me back tight . " Cum in me , Jon . Do it . I want to watch and feel you cum in me . Go ahead . Cum in my tight pussy . " I started thrusting into her and she continued to whisper in my ear that I should fill her pussy with cum . Well , who was I to deny her that wish ? I thrust and thrust . I could feel her body under me . So soft , but firm ; so beautiful and wonderful . She smiled and held me as I gave my little thrusts to pump my cum into her . When I finally finished I looked down at her and she was smiling . It was that 1000 watt smile that I hadn 't seen since high school . When I finally rolled off her , she cuddled up to my side and whispered to me . " I loved that , Jon . Maybe we could make it more regular . " She blushed and hid her head against my shoulder . " Sorry about that . I guess in my drunkenness , I couldn 't deny the attraction I felt for you . " " Of course . " I moved my left arm under her and she rested her head on it . I wrapped it around her and stroked her hair . " But seriously , where do we go from here ? " She put her head back on my shoulder and I could feel her smile . " Oh , God , I hope so . I really have missed regular sex . " She rose back up . " How 's your headache ? " She laughed . " See , we found the miracle cure for headaches . " She then turned serious . " Jon , I should explain more to you about what happened while you were with Cindy . " " When I felt jealousy for the first time in so long , I questioned my life . I started talking to your mother whenever she came into the café , and believe me ; she always made sure she stopped by . I also started going to your house to visit her . I just wanted to know more about how she dealt with her life . Then , she told me that I really needed to see someone who could help me with my situation and recommended this old friend of hers at the hospital . I resisted it at first , but eventually took her advice . I went to see him and he helped me understand that I had wrapped my life up in work and Lauren . I was showing signs of depression and he led me to believe that I could still have a full life . We talked through everything about my life and he was able to get me to see how I kept closing myself off every time I started to like a man . I tried to keep everyone at bay . I was punishing myself for my poor choices , allowing myself to get pregnant too young , marrying such a jackass , and everything I had done wrong . At that point , I decided that I had to at least see you again . I saw him again after you beat me and he explained to me why I felt that need to be whipped . He also explained why you felt the way you did . In any case , I think I am out of my depression now and I feel like I can go on with my life . However , I 'd love it if you 'd try to be in it more . " I stared at her . Her words had come gushing out and washed over me so quickly I barely had time to comprehend them . But I did understand one thing . " Lily , I would like to try to be with you more , too . " I laughed , too . I was about to say something else when we heard the front door open . Lily 's eyes went wide . " Shit ! My mother was supposed to keep Lauren later than this . She must still be mad at you and decided to come home early enough to interrupt us . Grab your clothes and get into the bathroom and get dressed . " I finished dressing and came out of the bathroom . Mrs . Johnson was staring at me . " Hello , Jon . " She seemed to be holding back with Lauren around . I was going to take advantage of it and get out of the house quickly . Lily stopped what she was doing with Lauren and came over to me . I was shocked when she pulled me down and kissed me on the lips . " Tomorrow . Okay ? " " Sure . " I looked over to see Mrs . Johnson looking on disapprovingly , but Lauren was giggling . " Mommy , you 're kissing Mr . Kenton . " I was only about half way home when my cell rang . I picked it up without looking . " Jon , you 'd better call me tonight before you go to bed . I don 't like it when a guy just fucks me and runs . " She was giggling . " I think so . I 'm still confused by everything Lily ; me , you , Buck , Cindy , everyone . But I have always felt something special toward you , so I 'd like to see what happens . " During May , Lily and I spent a lot of time together . We were almost inseparable after she finally convinced me that she was no longer the depressed , unreachable woman she was before . At first , I was skeptical . But she stayed cheerful , continued to see the psychiatrist , and told me that he said she was over her period of depression . We continued to see each other and Lauren was a joy . She was very perceptive and very intelligent for her age . I liked being around her and sometimes she clung to me , which actually made me feel very good . I had wondered if she was going to have some problems after the incident with Buck , but she displayed no signs of any . She got over it and Lily thought that was because he was never really her father and she didn 't really know him . But I reminded her that that tense hostage situation could have a deleterious effect on anyone . We were in Lily 's back yard for another small cookout . Mrs . Johnson had come around quite a bit , but still looked at me from time to time like she was waiting for me to go off the deep end again . I was grilling burgers and it was just me and Mom , Lily and Mrs . Johnson , and Lauren . Lily seemed very distracted and a little nervous . She had no reason to be . I was the one that was nervous . We had become soul mates in my mind and I had just bought an engagement ring . We had both kind of hinted at it , but had not had a full discussion about marriage , so I found myself nervously fingering the ring whenever I had a chance . It was in my pocket and I was going to propose after we ate . I had been spending a lot of time at Lily 's and Lauren had really taken to me . So much so that Lily had even lifted the ' no sleeping over ' rule in front of her daughter . Lauren took it in stride like it was nothing , not seeming to even realize at her young age what that meant . Letting me stay over was a big step for Lily , so I knew she was in love with me . I just hoped she was ready for the next step . She turned to me . " I have something I have to tell you first . " She looked very serious and I was concerned . She waved to our mothers , who both joined her as we sat at her picnic table . They seemed to know what this was about . Her mother put one protective arm around Lily . Now I was petrified . " I , uh - I 'm , well , I 'm pregnant . " Mrs . Johnson was staring at me , gauging my reaction . My mother was smiling and watching closely , too . Lauren was over on her swings so she didn 't hear it . Lily was looking at me , trying to discern my reaction . So this is why she was nervous . She squeezed my hand . " Two months . I had the doctor verify it yesterday . I guess what they say about birth control is true . It 's not 100 % . " She stared at me . " So - are you going to say something ? " I could see more than fear creep into her expression . She let out a deep breath . " You sure it 's okay ? I mean , we didn 't talk about it and I was on birth control . I don 't want you to feel an obligation . I just want … " . I put my hand over her mouth . She was starting to talk fast and nervously . I grinned and reached into my pocket . I palmed the ring and pulled out my hand . " Then I guess it 's a good thing I have this and a good time to ask this question . " I put my hand out in front of her and opened it . The two mothers were leaning towards us to see what it was . When I opened it and Lily saw the ring , her eyes got big and filled with tears . She slowly reached out and picked it up . She looked at it and put it on her left hand . The two mothers were now smiling and Lily got up and sat on my lap . " God , yes , Jon . I 'll marry you , you broken down old soldier . " I kissed her and looked over at Lauren . She was still swinging and Lily called her over . " Lauren , honey , come here . I have something to ask you . " I watched as Lauren did one of those patented leaps from the swing as it swung forward that all kids learn . " What is it , Mom ? " She had taken to calling her Mom instead of Mommy lately . She said Mommy was for little kids . A few more counseling sessions with the shrink and he was able to work me through the last of my problems . He told me that the problems I had with a mild form of PTSD is what had led me to forget myself and strike her with a belt . We worked through that and soon I felt that I was over it , well , mostly . I was only waking up after the dream every couple of months and it was becoming fuzzier . And I ended up with the girl of my dreams from my high school days . It was a tough journey , for both of us , but I know we 're going to make it . After all , we 've already been through more than most couples will in their entire lives . Oh , yes , we found out that we have a daughter on the way . We 're going to name her Cindy . Read 24960 times | A good story line is more important than lots of gratuitous sex . This was a good story with believable sex included . Hardly wait for the next story from you .

This is my new puppy jack ! This weekend I was taking a mid day nap and my little brother vahang came into my room and plopped a puppy onto me . I wake up and its looking me in the eye terrified . I pick it up and fleas are crawling everywhere ! I rush to take it outside where my family is waiting for me , all looking at me with huge smiles . I look back at that like what the hell is going on . My tatik , who is the only one who looks angry , tells me my papik bought the dog for me . He paid 1 , 000 dram she says . I show them that the dog has bugs . Then don 't look worried , but I am disgusted and don 't even want to touch the fur ball . My brother comes out with a big bucket some soap and some water he has boiled . He mixes the water with cold water and throws the dog in the bucket . He begins to scrub her . I sit and watch perplexed . I mean washing the dog isn 't going to kill the fleas … My host dad was an vet in the early stages of his life , I mean sure he worked with cows , but shouldn 't he know what a flea is ? As the dog is being washed you see the bugs just clinging to her , there must have been at least50 of them . We begin to comb through them and kill them one by one , me , my brother and my host dad . An hour later we are still killing them off . I resign as my brother takes out the blow dryer to dry the dog . I come back an hour later hoping that they are done , they are still killing off bugs . Three hours it took , and I was really skeptical , but she really doesn 't have fleas anymore . I check everyday , and none ! I guess you don 't always need that expensive medicine . After the huge ordeal the puppy looks a lot better , but is completely terrified . She refuses to look at people and if you put him on the ground she runs to the nearest hiding spot . Its been three days and this is still his basic mentality . Where ever he was before , he had to have been abused , because he really doesn 't like to even be held much , the only time he lets me hold him is if he hears another member of my family coming for him . I am the only onePosted by Armenians are known for their generous hospitality just as Southerners are supposed to be known for theirs . The difference is , while I have met tons of charming Southerners , they don 't seem to be any more hospitable nor gentlemanly than any other American . In fact I 'd dare say the southern men I have met are the least gentlemanly people I have ever known ! For example once when getting a classroom prepared , our group had to move a bunch of tables and chairs from one room to another . So guys and girls alike all rushed to help out . Girls began to grab the chairs , while most MEN began to grab the tables . It came down to a situation where there were two girls and one guy left , a so - called southern gentleman , and one desk and two chairs . The other girl grabbed a chair , and the guy grabbed the other chair , leaving me drag the table by myself . He saw me pick it up and struggle with it and never once offered to trade or help … I bring this up for two reasons : 1 . it really annoyed me ! I hate when men are un - chivalrous and 2 . To prove to you just what a sham the south is in their claim of hospitality and chivalry . So every day I have a tutoring lesson and every day it is turned into a tea and snack gathering because my tutor 's host mom cannot stand to have me in her home and not feed me , so Bon chics are bought and eaten and tea or hot chocolate is made , no matter how I try to refuse it . Well one day after a particularly heavy meal at my tutor 's house I was walking home , tired , hot and just wanting to take a nap . I was barely looking where I was going when I ran into a women who I know I knew , I just didn 't remember where I knew her from . Hello Alyssa Jan , where are you going ? I am going home . Ah but you live so far , you must have a rest . Come my house is just over here , come have some tea . Oh I can 't I am very tired … No you must come , let 's go . So this woman led me to her house , where as soon as her parents saw me they sprang into action , making tea , preparing dishes of ice cream , and cleaning up a bit . I sat Posted by I learned so much today just by leaving the comfort of my bedroom and helping … uhem ok well more like watching my family do their nightly chores . Usually after diner I clean the table and help wash the dishes but when that is over , my family scatters about each to do some kind of chore . I always feel so useless so while they work I go into my room and read or facebook . Well tonight I went on a late run and when I came back I decided to sit outside and watch the sunset . I am often amazed at how beautiful it is here , I feel like I am walking straight into a painting . I just couldn 't bring myself to waste the night away inside my room . As I was sitting outside all red faced and out of breath , my host mom began to bring huge glass jars outside . Then a large bowl of black berries . " Hamar compote " for juice she tells me . Only juice , not maraba I ask . She laughs at me " misht maraba maraba maraba " Always maraba . I am obsessed with maraba and eat it like five times a day with bread ! ! During the summer my family , as well as most other Armenian families make preserves for the winter , when there will not be any fresh vegetables or fruits . So they make jam , maraba , juice , pickled vegetables , tomato pastes and who knows what else , that will be eaten in the winter . She washes the black berries and pours them into the large jars . Then she comes out with a huge bag of sugar . She adds a cup and a half of sugar to each jar ! That is a lot of sugar I say . She laughs , yes but it is very delicious … hum that is what she said about cow lungs ! ! I don 't know if I trust her definition of delicious . She explains to me that after she fills it with water she will boil it on the fire for 20 minutes and then store it away . I help her fill the jars with water and put lids on them . We then carry them over to a huge fire and a big witches brew pot . My tatik arrives with an arm full of twigs . She shows me where they are and I go and get more . Somehow with her bare hands she lifts the lid of the bowling pot up and we place the huge jars Posted by So a few nights ago I got up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night and stumbled upon a huge bowl of cow 's legs . Yes you read that right , cow 's legs , 4 of them , in a huge bowl of water . Now add to your disgust right now , my being groggy and barely awake , and you have complete horrification . Not only was the sight terrifying , but the smell was horrible ! ! ! Flashback to me sitting in my Armenian class reading an excerpt from a book on Armenian culture . Nose scrunched up as I read the words describing the cow 's feet and stomach boiling in water overnight to make a pungent broth which leaves it 's sent for days . I was disgusted as I read that the cow 's feat fall apart in the soup and the cartilage meat rips right off the bone . Later after the soup is prepared you can add an assortment of flavors to it , to increase the flavor , such as garlic , lemon , greens , and of course the Armenian stable Levash . The next morning I woke up and searched everywhere for the cow 's feat , they were nowhere to be seen ! Phew ! Sold ! Fantastic , dodged that bullet ! Nothing was said of the holy Khash the whole day so I figured I didn 't need to worry about it … . Untill the next day at dinner time . By this time the idea of Khash was completely forgotten , so it took me by complete surprise when my host mom says to me " Alissia , tomorrow morning we will have people over and we will eat Khash , its … " Me : wait Khash ? " Ayo , it 's shat Homove Armenian dish " Very delicious ? Cows feat ? " Ayo , you will like it " Great ……… . God only knows where those cows feet were hiding the day before when I was looking for them ! So that night I set my alarm for 7 A . M . , I don 't want to miss a minute of the Khash preparations and my host mom said we would be eating early . So I wake up , and not a single person in the house is awake , but I do see a huge pot on the stove . I slowly lift the lid and the most repulsive smell greats me from within . Gross , I drop the lid and go back to bed . At nine I hear some shuffling around in the kitchen . So I get up and go out to observe . Not much being done , just setting the table . I wait . 30 minutes later and still nothing . Turns out there really isn 't anything to do , the feet are cooked only in water , so they really have nothing to prepare . I am a little disappointed . Guests arrive , and it 's time to eat ! Now I have been here for only a few weeks , but I feel like I know a large part of my family 's extended family . But on this day I didn 't know a single guest besides my aunt and her family . It really was the A list of my family 's friends . As people begin to take their places at the tables , I stand back and wait , not wanting to sit in the wrong place . I am called to sit at the head of the table . Great , I smile , lips pursed together . When everyone is seated , they immediately begin to make preparations for their Khash , tearing up pieces of Levash and dumping into their bowls . I sit there and stare at my bowl , not sure where to even being . I see people take their spoon and pull out huge joints from their bowl and put it on their plate . I still sit and stare . Once everyone seemingly has made their own preparations , their eyes turn to me . Everyone wants to witness my first bite , to make sure I enjoy it as much as they do . Now I am panicked ! This is too much for me I say . Usually this is followed by a chorus of eat , eats ! But this time my host mom comes out with a smaller bowl ; I understand that it 's important not to waste a single drop of Khash . Again eyes are on me . I add some salt to my dish , say a prayer and down the hatch it goes … well the broth anyways . I nod my head in approval and say not bad . They all laugh ; I 've always had a face that is 100 percent readable . I 'm sure they could tell I didn 't like it . It tasted like salty water with a hint of garlic , not exactly good , but not disgusting either . I tear up my levash and add it to the bowl as they all have . It soaks up the broth and I slowly take a few bites . While I don 't find it to be disgusting or make me gag like I thought it would , I don 't particularly enjoy it either . Thank God for the always present tomatoes and cucumbers on the table , which I eat in between bites to help the soup go down . Soon there is no more broth in the bowl , only my small cow 's foot joint and a piece of cow 's stomach . Great . Toasts are being given and shots are being taken . I grow some Liquid courage . I wrap a piece of stomach inside the levash and take a bite . First bite all levash , phew , not so bad . Second bite ; not so lucky . I bite hard and seesaw it in my teeth to cut it off . It 's rubbery and hard to chew , like a huge piece of fat on a really cheap piece of steak . The fat on steaks has always made me feel sick . I get the chills , but force myself to chew . It 's not so bad , it 's not so bad , it 's not so bad I tell myself as I chew , trying not to actually taste it . Eventually it 's unavoidable and I do taste it , and guess what , it 's actually not so bad . I hurriedly stuff the rest into my mouth and drown it with a shot of vodka . Lav E I say . Everyone laughs again but this time I don 't care because I am done ! I have accomplished my task ! I take a look around the room ; everyone is eating , drinking , laughing and having such a good time . I guess this is really what Khash is about , and suddenly I remember the book talking about the deep traditions and cultural customs that make a Khash worth attending . I seemed to have forgotten about that part in Lieu of the talk of cow 's feet and stomach . I guess what I am saying is that sometimes in life you miss out on really amazing things because you 're too afraid to suck down the cow 's feet and if you don 't get past the bad , you won 't experience the good . So there is a blog that I have needed to write for the past week but have been putting it off because I don 't know what the right thing to say is . But I do know that I have to tell the truth and I have to tell my story . I believe that it 's an important part of my journey and I believe it 's even more important for any future PCV 's out there to know that along with the good comes some bad . So a short disclaimer that you must know before you read on . First of all I am absolutely fine , in every way possible . Secondly , what happened to me could happen anywhere in the world , and is more likely to happen in the US than where I am . There are freaks and jerks everywhere in the world and this post in no way reflects the Armenian people or my city . So last Sunday morning , I woke up early and decided that I needed to get out of the house . I do not start teaching until September so I have had a lot of down time . I try to fill up my days as best as I can . I go running , I go to tutoring , I have tea and lunch with the family , and I read , read , read . But for a long time I have been wanting to go and take some pictures of these ruins that are on top of a hill at the end of the road I go running on . There are also tons of things to take pictures of a long the way . Plus I don 't tutor on Sundays , so I figured I could have a little adventure . So I walked down the road and took pictures of anything interesting I saw . I took a picture of a house with a lot of sunflower in the yard . A little boy stood there and watched me , and then began to scream to his mother that an American something was taking pictures of the house . I took off fast , didn 't want to get in trouble . After about a 30 - 45 minute walk , I arrived at the perfect spot ! Green hills everywhere with little yellow and purple flowers and thistles . A small house encompassed by mountains on both sides , and behind it a little ways up a hill , ruins of some buildings that were damaged in the earthquake . I walked about 30 minutes off the main road to the first set of ruins where I stopped and took pictures that overlooked all of Spitak . It was beautiful , and I was proud of myself for getting out of the house and doing something . There was one more old building just above the first one , so I decided to go up there for another set of pictures to show everyone at home . While I was up there I debated going up on a full scale climb . I began to walk upwards , and I almost stepped into a huge spider web . Luckily I saw them before I stepped into it ! I decided that these spiders were freaken huge and people back home needed to see them . As I knelt down to take the pictures , I had a horrible feeling that I should go home . I thought to myself , self you are being silly , they are just spiders , you are not afraid of spiders . And yet I felt very afraid for some reason . After trying repeatedly to get the picture and having it come out horrible , I gave up and felt a need to get home . I began to walk downward and I saw a man coming toward me . He began to yell at me but I didn 't understand what he was saying . My first thought was maybe I was somewhere I was not supposed to be and I needed to leave . So I told him I am leaving . He was still coming at me so I stopped and waited . Next I thought maybe he was the owner of the house I took a picture of and maybe he wanted to know why I took the picture . He approached me . His face was dirty , and the sun damage to his skin made him appear older from far away than his actual 25 or 26 years . He began to speak to me . Chem Haska , I don 't understand , I said . He tried again . I repeated and asked if there was a problem . He said no . He asked me where I lived and I pointed to it below . He asked where I was from and I told him California . He asked how old I was so I told him 26 . He asked If I was married and I told him no . Then he began to say something to me about work , or so I thought I heard . I told him I was a teacher but he only shook his head no . He said something about pictures . I told him I didn 't understand . I told him I don 't speak Armenian well . He kept talking and I told him I 'm sorry I just don 't understand and I need to go home . He told me no . He said ari - and I said no I can 't . I began to feel very uncomfortable . He walked over to me and began walking with me and asked me if I wanted to come to his village . I said no I couldn 't . He said he would take me . I told him my family was waiting for me . He began to talk to me very quickly , I didn 't understand anything . I told him that and I told him I was leaving . He stood in front of me so I tried to walk around him . Then he grabbed my arms , near my shoulders . I thought maybe he was trying to get some point across to me , trying to tell me something that I didn 't understand but he grabbed me hard and was hurting me so I pushed him and told him to go away . I took off running a bit , not really sure what was happening , so confused as to what this guy wanted . He came in front of me again and grabbed my breasts . He wouldn 't let me go . I began to cry and I told him I am afraid in Armenian and that I wanted to go , but he wouldn 't let me go . I screamed at him no and tried to get away , but he threw me to the floor . I remember nothing , just fear , just hurt , just panic . I began to scream at him in English at the top of my lungs . I screamed in a different way than I have ever heard myself before , never had I heard so In closing , I am fine now ; mostly it feels like it was just a bad dream . The only residual from the attack is fear . I am defiantly more hesitant to go to the store alone or to be alone at all for that matter . Little things have been scaring me or causing me to have flashbacks , from a friend grabbing my arm to lead me across the street , to the power going out in the middle of the night and me having a meltdown over it . I have bad dreams , where I see the guys face , and his crooked teeth and his dirty hands . But I think all of this is natural and will go away with time . All that being said I will be fine . The hardest part is not that it happened , that is hard in its own way but at least it 's over ; it was that I had no one to go home to and hug and to tell me it would be all right . It 's hard not to have people in my town that I can turn to when something like this happens . I think the hardest part of my service here is going to be living in Spitak alone without other Americans . I am very lucky that PC allowed me to go see Ashley yesterday , it did me a world of good to get out of here for a bit and just hang out and kick her butt at scrabble . Just to have a hug and be told that everything would be fine , meant the world to me . I 'll say it again , I am so lucky to have made the friends I have made here . Greg and Ash have been amazing support for me , so please no one at home be worried . Love you all ! A message from my Armenian Family … Host sister : Hi Alyssa Jan , we miss you a lot . Your room is empty and every time it seems that you should come home from school . We were just talking about you . We always remember you . Garik is good , he is not allowed to come home but he called a week ago and was asking about you . He also misses you a lot = ) Me : I will come visit next month . Tell Garik I miss him as well and hope he is well and that hopefully Ill see him soon ! HS : We would be so happy . We will cook you a good dinner . Maybe Garik could get permission to come home for a night for dinner . He will try his best . Me : That would be awesome ! HS : Nice ! I love you and miss you a lot sister ! Me : I love you too sister = ) My tatik is one of my favorite people in Armenia . We had a bad few days when she kept calling me fat , but as it turns out fat is a compliment here . To them it means that I am healthy and eating well . I think that the Peace Corps needs to add it to their host family training that it is never ok to call and American girl fat . That may be the cause of years of bulimia right there ! ! I knew she was just being crazy when after a few days of running ; obviously I started again as soon as I heard her say that , she told me she didn 't want me to run because I was getting too skinny ! In the matter of two or three days I went from being too fat to too skinny . I don 't want your family back home to think we don 't feed you , she told me . Which is funny because according to her I am either going to stay here forever and marry a nice Armenian boy , preferably one of her nephews , or she is coming to California with me and will marry an American man , mind you she is already married ! The above picture of her is after a long day of scrubbing walls and re - painting . Often when I am in my room with my door open or out on the sofa reading , Tatik will come and sit by me and relax . She always complains , I am so tired Alyssa Jan , too much work to do , always tired . I always tell her I am sorry and it 's such a pitty but it 's almost done . On this day she came in and saw my sunglasses and wanted to see how they looked on me . So I showed her . She then wanted to see how they looked on her . So I took a picture ! She says they look better on me , but I don 't know , she is looking pretty bad ass in this picture don 't you think ? Posted by This is my Armenian Tutor Lili . She speaks English better than any other Armenian I have met . She even understands a lot of slang . She is the daughter of the Armenian teach at my school . Lili is a very open and honest person . Within the first minutes of meeting her she told me , I like you , you have pretty eyes and girls with your kind of eyes are always good people . I can tell that we will be great friends . She is also very bossy . She not only tells me what I need to study , but the other day she called me to tell me that the time we were meeting was not good for ME ! Alice jan ( for some reason everyone here calls me Alice ) what time are you coming tomorrow ? Well Lili I thought that we decided 5 , is that a problem now ? Well Alyssa Jan , not for me , it is all the same for me , but I notice later in the evening you are tired and do not learn as well . From now on you will have to come earlier because I can 't have you be tired at my lessons . Ok Lili , not problem . Lili lives in Yerevan where she is getting a second degree . She already has one in English but now she wants one in administration . She is only in Spitak for her break , which means by the end of the month I will need a new tutor . I am really upset about this because for one , Lilis mom feeds me really well , and I really do have a lot of fun distracting Lili from our lesson and talking about life . It is awesome to be able to speak in English with someone here . Today when we were walking around trying to find the right bank we saw some men speaking English . I was so excited I lost my mind , I ran over to them and said excuse me where are you from ? Do you live here too ? I heard you speaking English . Turns out they were from Germany and they were only passing through and I think they were alarmed by my excitement because they were very rude . Even Lili didn 't like them ! Lili asked me , is it normal to just run up to boys you don 't know in America . I laughed , well it can be , you talk to whoever you want in America and ignore whoever you want too . But I thought that Posted by I have so much to write about and yet I am just not ready yet . So I thought I 'd post some pictures introducing you to new people in my life in Spitak . So first an introduction to my cat Amoora . This cat use to kind of wander around outside . No one paid much attention to her . I would throw her some bread every once in a while because she looked hungry but that was it . Well one day I was sitting outside and my family asked me why I looked sad . I told them that I wasn 't sad but I missed Alapars a little bit . Why they asked a little bit offended . I told them about the kids I played with and my shoonik who I loved ! Later in the day I was sitting in my room reading and my mom comes in with a little kid and his big brother . She was laughing and carrying him awkwardly in her arms . She literally brought in a small child off the street to keep me happy ! The kid was really shy but super cute and it put a smile on my face . I taught him how to give high fives . Later as I was chatting online with my mom and my sister my little brother comes in with the cat and hands her to me with the biggest smile on his face . I take the cat trying to appear happy , and smile and say thanks for catching him for me . Then he leaves the cat with me , I put it on the floor and let it hang out for a bit . It jumps up onto my bed . I pick it up and start to take it outside . No no no they tell me . It 's our cat now , she can sleep inside . We will call her Amoora after the Russian lake , and you can play with her whenever you want . So I have a cat now , even though I hate cats , but at least sometimes when there is no one to talk English too at home , she listens , for awhile , until she starts crying about her own problems ! Yesterday as I was sitting in the living room reading my host mom came to me and said put your pretty cloths on , we will go to a party for my nephew . They asked for you to come , so do your hair and get ready . So I went and threw on some jeans , not really all that excited , but hoping at least to get a little meat to eat . My host father came to pick us up and when I got in the car he explained to me , You will meet my nephew who is home from the army on holiday . He is a very good boy , a lot better than his brother here who is slow ( his brother was sitting in the front seat of the car , they always call him dumb or slow in front of him ) . He speaks English very well , you will like him , he is a good looking boy . Ok I say back not really knowing what you are suppose to say to that . You will marry an Armenian boy , you are a good girl , very pretty , you will be married in a year . Hahaha no I will not . I don 't want to . You will , you will . We drive about 15 minutes away to a part of Spitak they call Glendale . No joke , after the earthquake different parts of the world donated money to rebuild and each little sub part of town is named after the people who donated the money . As we arrive at our destination there is a group of five boys standing outside , I get out of the car and they all stare at me . My family give the boys hugs and introduce me to them and we go inside . This is my good nephew Gor , my host dad says . Hello he says to me . Hi I say . My name is Gor what is your name ? Alyssa I answer . She he speaks very well my host dad says with a huge smile on his facing that is telling me I should like his nephew . My Tatik calls to me and tells me to sit near her . She tells me what a good boy Gor is , and looks at him on the other side of the room where he is sitting surrounded by the other men at the party . They are obviously very happy to have him home and have a lot to say to him . As we sit , more and more people begin to arrive . They are all excited to meet me but really don 't have much to say . One girl in particular asks GorPosted by I have fallen in love in Spitak . Yes you heard that right , I am in love . With whom you may ask , well unfortunately it 's not a who , but a what . This thing that I am in love with is sweet and spicy and almost tastes close to a maple syrup except it has almost a chi taste to it . I am talking about Popok maraba . Popoke maraba is green walnut jam . Walnuts are picked , boiled and then canned in delicious syrup . I have seriously never loved something as much as I love this . The nuts look like huge olives and are soft and easily cut able with a fork . I spread the juice on my bread in the morning and eat the walnuts whole ( it feels so wrong to call them a nut , I hate nuts , but these are more like a fruit ) . I also poor the juice in my tea and it almost tastes like a chi latte ! So yummy . I use it in my yogurt , and sometimes I just drink it whole , gross I know but I don 't care , love is blind = ) My family does not really eat sweets , so popoke maraba is all I have to soothe my sweet tooth ! I found a company in New York that sells this jam . I am not saying it will be anything like the maraba I eat , but I really think you should try it . I promise you there is nothing like it in America , and as far as I am concerned there is nothing more Armenian . Just disregard what it says about pairing it with fancy shmancy blue cheese or frog or whatever , a nice fresh piece of bread is all you need ! ! ! Posted by So I 've been in Spitak for a few days now and even though for the most part I have nothing to do at all , I have a lot to talk about . Firstly School does not start until September , so for the rest of this month it is up to me to entertain myself . I am not allowed to leave my site , and I have no site mates . Also unlike most who have no site - mates I do not have an extended site that I am allowed to go to , because Spitak has a bank . So it 's BORING ! But to be honest it is nice to be bored after three crazy months , including my last few weeks in America . So basically every morning I wake up , talk to my family on facebook , read the news , read a little bit of the bible and then go eat breakfast with the family , if you can call what I eat breakfast ( more on that later ) . Then I either go for a walk or go into the living room and read . Right now I am reading Black Garden , a book about the war between Armenia and Azerbaijan . I study random words that I hear my family say throughout the day to ingrain them in my memory . I talk on the phone a lot . I eat lunch , read some more , go running or hiking in the evening , come home and hang out with my family as my host mom prepares dinner . Eat again and then sit outside on our porch with my new kitten and talk to the family as best I can . Then I come back talk some more on facebook and write a bit . Pretty boring but also pretty nice . There may be a few things you are wondering about my new town . So below I will give a description . 1 . The Food - Even though I don 't want to , I have to say the food situation in Spitak kind of sucks . I am not saying that I never get good food , because on occasion my host mom makes very delicious soups , shat hamove ( very delicious ) but I 'd say mostly the food is not very appetizing . For the most part I eat potatoes , tomatoes , peppers and bread . For breakfast I drink tea , and usually eat a piece of bread with Popok Maraba ( more about this later ) . Needless to say , it isn 't very filling . For lunch so far we have tomatoes , cheese , and mashed potatoes every day . And dinner ranges from eggs and tomatoes to boiled potatoes and eggplant . The way I see it , this is a good wake up call for me . This is how people all over the world eat , every day . I have not had meat since I got here , I don 't think my family can afford it . I am hungry all the time , vegetables are not really filling . But this is what I signed up for . I signed up to live in a community and live as they do . It is so different from my Alapars village where we were all fed so well . Every morning I had oatmeal , creeps , leftovers from the night before , cakes and sandwiches to choose from . It is a real learning experience for me , but I do miss dolma and khorovots a lot ! ! 2 . My family - Everyone is great ! They are really caring and so nice . One mild exception my Tatik is a bit crazy . The first day was really hard for me cause the old bat kept calling me fat . She kept telling me I gained weight since she saw me last . At first I really let it hurt my feelings , but I had to really think about it culturally . Armenians never say you gained weight as a bad thing , they consider it a good thing , it means you eat well and are healthy . They have no idea how sensitive Americans are to weight , and how much of a terrible struggle it is for young girls to deal with their weight . I couldn 't take it too seriously because a day or two later she said that she didn 't want me to run anymore because I was getting too skinny and my family back home would think they were not feeding me ! HA . Other than that my family has been so awesome . I was feeling really homesick for Alapars and my host dad asked me why . I told him that I missed all the children I use to play with and my dog . A few hours later I was in my room and my host mom called to me . I walked out and there were three neighborhood children in the living room . She literally went into the neighborhood and dragged them to my house so that I would have kids to make me happy . It was so sweet ! Later I was in my room talking to my mom and my sister on facebook and my host brother comes into my room and hands me a kitten . The cat is a bit dirty and smelly , so I am not really sure what he wants me to do with it . I pet it for awhile and then go to take it back outside , as I figure it 's a stray . My host dad runs up to me and tells me no no no . Katoo mena . Ko katoo . The cat stays , he 's your cat . They grabbed a stray off the street so that I would have a replacement for my shoon . It was really cute . They let the cat sleep in the bathroom that night . I had heard that Armenians hate animals in the house , and for the most part that is what I saw , but my family loves animals and this little baby kitten is now part of our home . She eats dinner with us and Posted by Dear Loyal blog readers , if I have any loyal blog readers , I have an announcement to make ! Are you ready ? This is super exciting news . I Alyssa Schlange , Peace Corps Volunteer Armenia , took a shower today ! ! Yes you heard me , a shower ! Like a real shower , with get this , hot water ! ! ! ! For the first time in three months I took a shower . Ok you may think that I am joking about the amazingness of this occurrence , but this is no joke . Today was the best day of my life because I got to sit under running hot water , ok not hot but kind of warm water . For the first time since I have been here I didn 't have to sit in a tub and poor warm water over myself and try not to freeze . I couldn 't believe my fortune in life , to have a shower that not only uses warm water but that also works ! Many volunteers here have had a shower the whole time ; I have not , so I consider myself blessed by God right now . As soon as I stepped into the tub and felt the water on top of my head I couldn 't help but to smile . You have no idea how good hot water pouring down over your head feels . I just wanted to stand there forever ! But I couldn 't , I understand how much it costs them to use a water heater so once I was able to snap myself out of my amazed state , I showered , yup showered ! ! ! For a brief 8 - 10 minutes I felt like I was back home , I felt like I wasn 't living in a transitional country . Life is wonderful , I am so thankful for what I have and praise God for all the tiny wonderful things that he gives to me daily . I never thought the happiest day of my life would be due to something so small , but here I am hours later still smiling because in a few days from now , I will get to shower AGAIN ! Pre - Service Training is almost over ! In two days I will become an official Peace Corps Volunteer and move to Site . There is a large part of me that is excited and ready to begin my two years in Armenian . I am ready to work in my school , where I will know my students and be able to start accessing my community so that I can decide what it is that I can do to make a difference in it . It 's no secret to most that my PST has been pretty tough on me . I came to country with a dislocated jaw , thinking things couldn 't get much worse . The truth is they can and they did . From problems back home that seem un - bearable to problems with my heart that lead to a few weeks of me feeling pretty awful , my strength has been tested . I have been homesick , sick of home , and physically sick . There are nights when I have gone home and cried for hours and nights where I just stayed up looking at the wall , not having any tears left to cry . But no matter what I got through it , and though I may have thought about going home , the truth is I don 't really have anywhere to go , so I know I need to be tough , and PST has prepared me for it . I am ready to move on and stop worrying about what is going on back home , and start making a life for myself here in my community . I am so ready to be region neighbors with Ashley , I know we are going to have so much fun , I am so lucky to have her as a best friend ! What I am not ready for , is to leave my family . I am so comfortable in my house . I love my family . I can go and sit with them when I want to be social , but it is also perfectly ok for me to stay in my room and study and talk to my family . They give me space to do whatever I want to , but are always close by if I need to talk or hang out , or learn to cook something ! Before coming to Armenian I was most concerned about living with a host family , but this experience has been perfect . Tonight as I was sitting on the couch with my sister , helping her set up an email account and sign up for information about study abroad programs and scholarships , she loPosted by So you all know about Shoonik , the dog I have come to love here in Alapars . She follows me around everywhere I go , nipping at my feet and jumping up my cloths leaving her paw prints behind . She is filthy and stupid and oh so loveable . I adore Shoonik ! Well one day last week Shoonik stopped following me . I walked by her house and she was nowhere to be found . I came out from class and she was no longer sitting on the porch steps waiting for me . A few days past , and she hadn 't even come to visit me at my house . I thought it strange , and wondered what had happened to her . I had made a plan to go and ask the family what had happened to her . One day as I was walking home Shooniks owners , not her family because only I am her family , but the people who own her came up to me , well the kids did . Shooik , Shoonik is a bad dog they told me . No I responded she is a good dog , I love her . The little girl looks up at me , well shoonik is chained up she tells me . What do you mean I ask , not really understanding . She starts talking so fast that I do not understand . I tell her I am confused and she starts speaking quickly again . Knowing that I still do not understand she takes her finger and swipes it across her throat . The motion for dead . I freeze what do You mean I ask . She does it again . I flip out and tell her no , and she shakes her head yes . I walk away and tell her I can 't talk I am very sad . By the next day I have devised a plan to free shoonik . I decide I am going to go to the ATM and get some of my American money out and offer it to these people for shooniks life . Unfortunatly for me it doesn 't work . I walk home feeling defeated and helpless . As I walk by the house I try not to look at the kids , I don 't want to talk to them , they are going to kill my dog . They grab me anyways and take me into their yard . They show me what seems to be a chicken coop and out walks shoonik chained on a 5foot chain . She looked so sad but at least she was still alive . I tell the kids its mean to chain her up and I don 't like it . They tryPosted by The contents of this website are my personal opinions and do not reflect any position of the United States Government or the Peace Corps . Everything I write is based on my personal experiences alone . Please do not judge or make conclusions about Armenia or Armenians based on what is written on this site .

Theodore Nott became a private detective for one reason : To help people . To be like the heroes in his comics . But it 's not until Hermione Granger walks though his door that his life takes a more heroic turn . Theodore didn 't know where he was going ; he just ran . He quietly made his way down the stairs while his father slept in the living room , left his family home and ran . He didn 't pack a bag , any clothes or possessions ; he didn 't want a thing from that house . He didn 't want to stay there anymore . Theodore breathed heavily in and out , his sides and legs aching . He was exhausted , but he didn 't want to stop , not as long as he was near that place . He didn 't want anyone to find him . He slowed down more and more as crowds got thicker and thicker , until he started to walk , pushing his way past . No one stopped or any paid attention to him , except to turn and shout at him for being rude and to watch where he was going . Some called him words he 'd never heard of before and assumed they were bad , but he ignored them all ; he didn 't care what they thought . Theodore stopped in the corner , between an old pawn shop and an alley wall lined with bins , only when his legs started to shake and he thought he would fall , or worse , faint from being overtired . Across from him , was a small , green shop . The place looked abandoned and old ; the painting was chipped and the windows had cracks in , but it was quiet and apart from all the rest . It seemed like the perfect place to sit and rest , to hide for a while until he could figure out where to go next . Theodore made his way across the road , taking his time so not to fall with his legs still so unsteady . He paused outside the window to stare up at the cardboard man ; he frowned . Who would ever wear clothes like that ? They 'd have to be mad . And what 's with the bat on his front ? Opening the door slowly , Theodore poked his head through and , once he saw that it was indeed empty , he stepped inside , making sure the door was shut properly . Theodore leaned back against the door , taking in his surroundings ; the place was filled from top to bottom with small books , cartoon drawings on the front covers . There were more pictures of the man with the bat inside , as well as one in a red and blue spider costume and a woman with a yellow tiara in her black hair . At least he thought it was a tiara . His first thought was that it was a book shop , but he had never seen books like these before . Theodore turned back to stare in front when he heard footsteps and jumped when a man came into view , hitting his back against the door . Hearing the sound , the man looked up suddenly and looked stunned for a second , Theodore decided that not many people came to this old looking shop , before smiling . " Can I help you , kid ? " Theodore shook his head slowly , no . The man frowned . " Do you want to look around ? " Theodore glanced around again , and then nodded ; he was curious and didn 't want to go back outside yet . He waited until the man had gone behind the desk before he moved , going to the other side of the store , to the man with the bat . Theodore looked at each book briefly , occasionally picking one up to read the back , until he found one that interested him the most and he sat down on the floor and opened it , reading the strange book with the pictures . Theodore lost track of how long he had been sat in that corner of the floor in the shop ; once he 'd started to read one , he hadn 't been able to stop . So he picked up another and another , engrossed in the Muggles ' own versions of magic . The man , who Theodore assumed owned the shop , didn 't seem to mind , though he did keep looking his way , a curious look on his face . Theodore looked back up quickly ; this time the man was sat up straight , not slouched over the desk with the papers in his hand . " You really like those comics , don 't you ? " The man asked . Theodore frowned and he pointed to the book in the boy 's hand . " They 're called comic books , graphic novels ; they have pictures and speech and writing in the corners . You really like the Justice League one 's ; the group of superheroes that you keep going back to . " The man looked surprised for a minute , having never heard Theodore speak , but composed himself quickly and nodded . " They 're a special group of people who use their abilities to help people , to save them from evil . " He pointed to the image above Theodore 's head . " Except Batman , he doesn 't have super powers , just awesome gadgets and cool car . " The man agreed . " He is cool . " He moved closer to the desk , leaning over it . " My name is Adam . What 's your name ? " " That 's a cool name ; it 's nice to meet you , Theo . " Adam paused for a second , unsure how to say what he wanted to without upsetting the little boy in front of him . But he decided to just ask ; he had to . " Where are your parents , Theo ? Where 's your mum ? " " What about your dad , where is he ? " Theodore looked up and Adam noticed his tense position , and there was a mixture of fear and anger in the boy 's eyes . " Gone . " " He 's gone ? Has something happened to your dad ? " Adam asked cautiously , afraid something might have happened . But Theodore shook his head slowly . " You 've gone ? " Theodore nodded . " You left ? You ran away ? " " You shouldn 't just run away from home , Theo . People will be worried . You - " He stopped suddenly , hearing the door open , and watched a young woman enter the shop . She was about his age , late twenties at most , and her hair was wet from the rain that had not long started . She walked over to Adam carefully , nervous and afraid ; though he was sure it had nothing to do with coming in his shop and speaking to him . She was shaking heavily and there were tears in her eyes . " I 'm looking for a little boy , Theodore ; someone said they saw him come this way a couple of hours ago . " Adam turned his head to the right and she followed , spotting him . He had dropped his comic , but seemed too scared to get up . " Oh , Theo , thank God you 're safe . " She made her way over , but he held up his hand to stop her and finally got to his feet . " No ! I 'm not going back ! You can 't make me ! " " No ! I 'll just leave again , but I won 't come here ! I 'll go far away , where you can never find me ! " Theodore started to cry then ; no one had ever seen him cry . " I don 't want to , I can 't be there anymore . Please don 't make me , Hannah . Please . Say you couldn 't find me . Or come with me . Just don 't make me go home . " Hannah slowly made her way over and wrapped her arms around him . She held him tight and soothed him as he sobbed into her coat . " I 'm sorry , Theo . But it 'll be alright , I promise . I will be there with you . You 'll be safe and you 'll never be alone . Come on , we have to leave . Say good bye to the nice man . " Theodore rubbed the tears away from his puffy , red eyes and faced the confused shop owner . " I like it here . " Hannah whispered to him that while his father was out , she 'd bring him back to visit , though whether she meant it , no one knew . " Bye , Adam . " Hannah turned him around and they made their way to the door . " Wait . " Theodore faced him and he knelt down to the little boy 's height . " Take it , " he said , holding up the first comic Theo had read ; the first Justice League issue . " I want you to take it anyway . " Adam put the book in his hands and Theodore held onto it tightly . " When you get upset or scared , I want you to read it . Then you 'll know you 're as brave as the superheroes , Theo . You may not have super powers , but you know how to stay strong , and that 's just as important , " he murmured . " You are going to be fine and there is nothing in this world that can hurt you if you believe that you 're strong enough . " 27 years later . . . Theodore lost his balance , his foot slipping from the step , and he fell down , catching his knee on the edge . He threw his hands out onto the step a little higher than his head and climbed back up , continuing his run to the roof despite the pain . He had to get to her . He had to get to her now , before it was too late . He pushed down the metal bar and flung the door open , the fresh afternoon air hitting his exhausted body with such a force that he almost fell backwards . Theodore turned on the spot , circling the rooftop until he found her ; their eyes locked together , hers pleading for help , his determined to reach her . " Theo ! " He ran to her , his arm outstretched , ready to grab her and pull her from the edge , into the safety of his arms . " I can 't move ! " " I 'm coming ! " It was like he pushed a switch ; the moment his foot connected with the ledge she was stood upon , she was sent backwards , her feet slipping from the end , and she screamed as she fell . Theodore caught her hands with one hand , balancing himself against the wall with his other . As soon as he felt it was safe enough , Theodore removed his hand , using it to grip her better and try to pull her up . " I 've got you , " he whispered in reassurance . " Don 't let go , " she begged , her fear revealing itself for only him to see . " Please don 't let me go . " " Never , " he promised . Theodore pulled himself to his feet slowly , leaning backwards in an effort to bring her back up . But the movement caused her to slip from his hands and he hit the corner of the ledge falling back down to grab her . " I 've got you . " He tried again , this time just pulling her , thinking that if he could just get his arms around her waist , it would be easier to help her . " I 'm slipping , Theo , " she sobbed . He tried to sooth her terror , but his race here had done him no good ; his body was hot and sticky , his hands sweaty , and he couldn 't hold on much longer . " I love you , Theo . " " No , " he cried , wishing he hadn 't heard those words that way ; her acceptance of the logical and only way she could see the struggle end , to hear her letting go . It was heartbreaking . " Don 't say that , I 've got you . " " I love you , Theo , " she said again , louder this time , her face set with a new found determination . But it wasn 't for what was to happen ; it was for what she wanted from him . " I love you . " Theo couldn 't tell whose screams were louder as she slipped from his grasp . * * * Theo jumped up from his position in his bed , the bed sheets falling haphazardly into a pool around his waist . He rubbed his hands over his face , running his fingers through his hair , removing any traces of sweat from himself , and wrapped his arms around his bare chest as he kicked the blanket off and swung his legs to the floor . He stayed sat like that for a while , his head hung low , as if he were about to be sick . It had been the same nightmare for the last couple of weeks and no matter what he did he couldn 't get rid of it or shake the feeling of dread that came with it . He had no idea what the hell the dream meant or even who the woman was , but she looked so familiar . He knew for a fact he 'd seen her before , though he wasn 't so sure he actually knew her . Yet , he silently acknowledged . Theo had a feeling they 'd meet eventually . But what struck him the most was her telling him she loved him and , more specifically , him returning the words and the sincerity he felt . A shudder ran through him as he remembered the last time he 'd said those words ; he couldn 't handle a repeat of that . The thought of being with a woman now , despite it being just a dream , terrified him . " Daddy ! " Theo looked up suddenly ; the sound of the child 's voice , his child 's voice , forced him out of his thoughts and into his present life . The dream analysis and fears would have to wait for a more convenient time , he pushed them to the back of his mind , focusing on the little boy down the hall no doubt waiting for his breakfast , and stood up quickly . " I 'm coming , kiddo ! " Breakfast , shower , school , work . Theodore repeated the mantra in his head on his way to the kitchen . Good plan . * * * Theo hid in his office , not daring to leave once he set foot in the safety of the old , small London building . Theo loved his job , being able to help make a small difference to each person 's life , especially after his actions during the war . It wasn 't like he did anything bad , no ; it was becA / N : I hope you all enjoy chapter two ; it 's kind of a small background chapter really , until chapter three , when the real story begins , starting with Theo 's son . . . : P It took a good few minutes before Theodore was able to find his voice . In other circumstances he thought he would laugh at the situation presented to him , but to the woman in front of him , humor was far from her mind . Her face seemed permanently set in a frown , her eyes were slightly red , which suggested she had recenty been crying and was trying to hide it . Most people probably wouldn 't have noticed , but Theo always knew what to look for , for any clues that would provide an answer . It was his job . Standing up slowly , he made sure he looked presentable before extending his hand to the chair across from him . " Hermione Granger . " He barely saw her nod , his eyes focused on her specifically ; her dark brown eyes , the crease in her brow , the curve of her lips . And he knew where he had seen the woman in his dream , realized why he knew of her but had never known her personally . He 'd seen the woman in papers for the work she did and for her family and her friends , he remembered seeing her around school but never speaking to her . He 'd stayed out of any and all confrontation between her , her friends and Malfoy . But he knew now and the knowledge had him stumble back and almost fall into his seat . Oh , no . " Are you okay ? " It took him a moment to realize that she had indeed spoken to him and he looked up to lock eyes with her . He averted his gaze quickly when he remembered the fear he saw in them and the L - He couldn 't even think it . " Fine . I am fine and you , you are n - here . Can I help you ? " Hermione moved forward to stand in front of him and sat down at the chair across from him . Theo copied hesitantly , hoping she wouldn 't notice his rambling which he shamefully knew always happened to cope with whatever reason he had for his shock . He couldn 't have her know that the woman of his dreams had walked into his office . Literally . " I came to you because you 're the best , " Hermione said . " I 've read about your cases and I know you can help me . " " W - What 's the case ? " " A missing person , " Hermione answered , Theo watched her hold back another tear . Whoever was gone was someone very close to her , he knew , and his mind quickly went through the list of names he had heard of that could be missing . He remembered articles saying she had married , saying they had two children . Could it be Weasley ? Theo looked down at the white tan line on her ring finger ; separated or divorced . He 'd heard no news of that , making him think it was mutual and quiet ; it could be Weasley . But why not go to Potter ? " What 's the Auror department said ? " he asked , thankful he sounded more like his old business - like self . " Harry 's got a few , more trustworthy people in his department looking , but he thought it best to have someone impartial , who wasn 't close to me or my family and could do whatever it took with a clear head . I agreed , " she told him . " But you 'll have his help . I 'm willing to give you this . " Theo took the piece of paper from her hand cautiously and opened it up ; it was a Gringotts cheque . His eyes focused on the amount . " Oh , my G - Twenty five thousand galleons , " he whispered . " That 's half . " " Half ? ! " His eyes widened when she nodded . He sat back against his seat and rubbed his jaw , dropping the cheque onto his desk and staring . " You 'll get the rest when you 've found him , You 'll also get everything you need to help you with this case and the help of the Aurors , " Hermione said . " I will do anything you ask . " Theo tore his eyes away from the money slowly to face the woman in his office . He knew this case was important , he knew he should take it , and he remembered his dream . But it wasn 't the money that him ignore the dream and take the case ; it was the newly formed tears that fell down her cheeks as she noticed the picture of his son on the desk . He had a terrible feeling he knew who he had to look for and dread and fear filled his stomach . He didn 't even want to imagine what she was going through if he was right . " Ms Granger , who 's missing ? " She didn 't look up from the picture when she answered , wiping the tears away . " You have to find my son . " Once she had stopped crying , Hermione returned to the strong person he 'd heard so much about and told him everything she knew . " Both Ron and I work , as well as many others in our family , so my kids go to school near my home . The other day the school called saying Hugo was unwell and to pick him up . I couldn 't so I went to Ron and he said he would , but when he got to the school Hugo was gone . We have no idea why , there was no note or ransom sent to us , he just disappeared . You have to find him . " " I will , I promise . " Theo gave her a reassuring smile before frowning , both of them turning to the voices behind the door . " He 's talking to a new client , " his secretary called out but she couldn 't stop the door from opening and a little boy running in . " Daddy , Uncle Draco brought me to you because you weren 't home and Scor is sick so I didn 't want to go to his house . " The little boy jumped up onto his knee , then noticed Hermione in the room and buried his head in his chest . " Who 's this ? " he whispered . Theo opened his mouth to speak , only to face the door when he heard a knock . Draco Malfoy stood there awkwardly , not looking at Hermione . " Er , I 'll see you later , " he muttered , leaving quickly . " So , this is your son ? " she asked , trying to rid the room of the awkward silence . Theo noticed her voice waver slightly and he remembered the reason she was in his office in the first place . He wrapped his arms around the boy 's waist and instinctively held on a little tightly . He cleared his throat . " Yeah , this is Lex . He 's a little shy at first , but give him a minute and you 'll wish he stayed quiet . " " Hey , " Lex protested and Hermione chuckled softly , seeing his expression of horror given to his dad . Lex turned to Hermione . " Is Dad helping you ? " Hermione nodded . " Dad 's Superman . " Lex stood up , his mouth open , and he jumped up and down in excitement . " Yes ! Dad , she knows ! What 's your name ? " " Lex , I still have to talk to Hermione about work , so I need you to go wait with Courtney until I 'm done , okay , " Theo told the little boy . Lex pouted and Theo groaned ; he hated when that happened , it made it so hard to say no . " But I want to stay with you . " " I know , mate , but this is very important , so you have to wait outside . " Theo flashed a cheeky grin . " Why don 't you use her phone . If you leave now , you 'll be able to catch your girlfriend . " Lex flushed a deep red . " She 's not my girlfriend , " he growled , walking out . " At least I can get a girlfriend if I wanted one . " Theo 's mouth fell open as Lex slammed the door shut and Hermione wasn 't sure what to say . " Cute kid , " she settled on saying . " You named him after Lex Luthor ? " Shaking his head slowly , Theo focused more on the case and not on the fact that his son was probably right . " No , his name is Alexei ; Lex is a shortened name . But he is evil , so it fits . " Hermione nodded and smiled sadly . " Hugo loves comic books . He spends all his time at the little green shop in London , Adam 's . He loves it there . It 's the only way to get him to calm down . " " Since I was seven , " he said quietly , Hermione 's words running through his head . The only way to calm Hugo down . . . " I think I know where to start . " A / N : Superman and Lex Luthor belong to DC Comics . It took a good few minutes before Theo could get Alexei to stand still and hold his hand without thrashing about and kicking off , but that didn 't stop the little boy from sulking . The man walking beside them gave Theo a sympathetic smile , his eyes telling him he understood completely . He nodded in return , not comfortable with striking up a conversation about the hardships of being a single father with a stranger , and gently pulled Alexei in front of him when the atrium became more crowded . When Alexei tried to let go of his hand again , Theo held on tighter . He didn 't want to imagine what he 'd go through if he lost his son in the Ministry , even for a second . " Don 't you dare , " he warned . Theo waited until they had stepped into the elevator , their backs to the wall , and he was thankful only a few others had entered with them . He knelt down so he was eye - level with the boy , keeping their hands joined so Alexei couldn 't cross them over his chest to go with his stuck out bottom lip ; a combination he was prone to using when he sulked . " I did say we 'd go , but I never said straight away and I won 't take you if you continue to moan . You know I don 't like it when you fight with me . Are you going to be good and let Daddy finish work ? " Slowly , Alexei relaxed , no longer pouting , and nodded twice , his head slightly to the left . He smiled and ran his hand across Alexei 's cheek until it was returned . He kissed the top of the little boy 's head and straightened up , not surprised when Alexei wrapped his arm over Theo 's stomach and leaned in . He let go of Alexei 's hand to hug him , keeping an arm in place so he still had hold of the boy in some way . The elevator finally stopped at their required floor , the Department of Magical Law Enforcement , and they stepped out . It took only a few minutes to find Harry Potter 's office , after asking for the way , and he knew right away Hermione had already sent word to her friend because he was stood outside his door , leant against the frame stiffly . He noted immediately similar habits he 'd picked up with Hermione ; the light twitching of his hand , the occasional scratch of the head or nose , crossing and uncrossing his arms and standing a little straighter every few minutes . Situations which brought about sadness , fear and worry in a person always brought with them the desire to move , to do something , he 'd noticed in his job . And he knew it was completely acceptable for someone to do so , for the man in front of him to do so . He couldn 't always be the rational , cool - headed Auror he 'd heard about all the time , he wasn 't the Savior anymore , he was man whose nephew had disappeared and who didn 't know what to do . Stepping an inch closer , Theodore cleared his throat , hoping he didn 't startle him . Maybe Harry was past being startled by anything , because his only reaction was him turning his head to face him , his eye - brows raised in acknowledgement . Harry moved away from the wall , his hand outstretched for him to take . " Theo Nott , after you left here I didn 't think I 'd see you back . " Harry dropped his hand as though burned , his eyes betraying how he felt , as he remembered why Theo was here . " I wish they were different circumstances . This must be Lex . I remember you , but sadly you probably don 't remember me . " Harry 's eyes widened a fraction , afraid Theo had misunderstood . " No , I meant will he be okay on his own for a bit . Ginny , has to work , so she 's bringing our kids here to me ; they 'll be here in about thirty minutes . They 'll go in my office with Lex ; will he be okay alone until then ? " he explained and pointed to the large room across from the office . " We 'll only be there , so we can still see them . And I trust Annie . " He pointed to his assistant , who waved hesitantly . " And when you 're a single parent that feeling is magnified , " Theo prompted him to what he 'd said a few minutes ago and Harry realized he hadn 't misunderstood after all . Their thoughts had been exactly the same . " I understand how you 're feeling . " Chuckling softly , Theo wondering when he did so last , it sounding foreign even to him , Harry bent down . " It 's just grown - up talk , kiddo . Nothing to worry about , " he lied . " I bet you 're going to be a really good boy for your dad and sit in my office because you seem like a really good boy . " " I am , " Alexei agreed , confused when Harry started to laugh . He didn 't see Theo roll his eyes . He pointed to the shelf by the door of Harry 's office . " What 's that ? " Harry leaned in closer , like he was revealing a closely guarded secret . " It sticks it 's tongue out at you when you squeeze its tummy . You want see ? " Alexei nodded slowly and Harry stood up to get it , handing it to the little boy . Both men watched in silence as Alexei examined the doll and pressed his thumbs into its stomach . Its mouth opened wide and the doll 's tongue stuck out almost immediately , causing Alexei to jump back into Theo and scream . " Yeah , Lily did that , too . Her uncle George made it for her birthday . Now she loves it , she squeezes it in everyone 's faces . " Theo led Alexei into the office and sat him down in one of the chairs . " Harry and I are only across the hall if you need me , okay ? " He left Alexei to play with the doll and followed Harry into the conference room . " Go nuts ? You 're going to regret those words ever leaving your mouth . " " I 'm sure I 'll manage . " Harry let him in first and they sat in the chairs nearest to the doors , the chairs turned sideways so they could use the table , speak face - to - face and still have a view of the office . " Have you ever had a case like this before ? " he asked cautiously . Theo gave a half shrug before explaining . " A family asked me to find their teenage daughter ; she ran away because they didn 't approve of her boyfriend , was about ready to get on a train to France with him . A woman asked me to find her husband who hadn 't come home from his weekend business trip ; that trip was in fact a getaway with his mistress and he 'd been enjoying it so much he 'd lost track of the days . Probable kidnapping ? No . " " Because looking for him is not what will go to the Wizengamot , so there 's more leeway ; we can be a part of the search because there 's no evidence to compromise . Besides , family know more about the missing person than strangers ; we 're helpful . " He almost choked on his words . " I never thought I 'd ever have to say ' we ' . It 'll be out of my hands when we catch them , the events leading up to them going to jail , a different Auror will be in charge . " " Which would mean knowing about Adam 's , " Theo finished , a small but pleased smile on his face ; he had a place to start looking and Harry was agreeing with him , so it had to be a step in the right direction . " I 'm going as soon as I 'm done here . It 's the reason I came really , I wanted to run it by you . I thought about asking Ms . Granger , but she looked like she was about to cry again . It still sounds strange , calling her that . " " I wish I could go with you , but I 've got the kids , so you 'll call me once you know anything , good or bad . " He started to choke again and Theo promised he would . " And she won 't hate you for calling her Hermione , she hates Ms . Granger more than she hated Mrs . Weasley . " They both turned when they heard a multitude of voices ; three children talking at once , while a woman tried to calm them down and a lone little girl yelled at someone for playing with a doll . " Right . They 're early . I should go help with that , " Harry said , getting up from his chair and leaving the room swiftly . From his place in the conference room , Theo could see Harry control the situation . His boys had stopped shouting and Lily was no longer telling off his own son . Theo almost got up when he saw Alexei begin to cry , but stopped midway out of his seat when he witnessed something he never thought he 'd see ; Alexei listened to Harry and calmed down . He fell back down into his seat and waited for Harry to return , Ginny with him . " It 's good to see you again , Theo . When was it last ? Valentines Day ? " " Yeah , you teased me mercilessly for not having a date , " he replied , vividly remembering when they bumped into each other in Diagon Alley that day . Throughout the whole partnership with Harry in their four years of Auror training , the only person he spoke to from Harry 's friend 's and family was Ginny Potter née Weasley . Even though he knew by then he wanted to be a private investigator , he wanted to the skills and the training or an Auror , figuring they would come in handy , especially if situations like this came around and they asked for help . As a qualified Auror , Theo could play a bigger role to help with their investigations . He 'd become good friends with Harry during training and Ginny joined them frequently for lunch . It had been quite a while since Theo had seen Harry and their kids had been toddlers when it had been all seven of them , but he still saw Ginny at least once a week . She always managed to bump into him ' unexpectedly ' and drag him to lunch . She said everyone had a close circle of friends and then their own friends outside . Currently , Theo was outside , with herself and Harry , but she told him often that she 'd make him part of the circle at some point . " No , I 'm not . Yes , I 'll think about it . " He changed the subject away from his love life ; Alexei had already wounded his ego enough with the comment he made when Hermione had been in the room earlier . " How did you get him to calm down so quickly ? " he asked , pointing to the children . He shook Harry 's hand , then let Ginny hug him . " Thank you for taking this case , " she whispered in his ear . " I know you 'll find Hugo . " " Not yet , " he said honestly , getting into the elevator . He pressed the button to the atrium . " I 've still got a long way to go . " Theo opened the door and Alexei swung on his arm , jumping onto the step , and let go , running inside . He left the boy to read , making his way to the counter instead . The bell on the old door had rung , so he just waited for his friend to come out from the back . Eventually he did and Theo couldn 't help but smile upon seeing him . " Your old age is getting to you , Adam . It took you ages to come out this time . " Adam glared , not appreciating the joke . " That had nothing to do with age , thank you very much . Now I will tell you what I told Lex on the phone ; the Spiderman issue he wants will not be here until Thursday , he can wait two more days . " Theo shook his head . " I 'll deal with that later , it 's not why I 'm here . I have a new client and she says her son loves to come here ; do you recognize him ? " Theo pulled out the picture that Hermione had given him before leaving his office ; a happy , smiling little boy sitting on a swing in the park , his brown hair was spiked up and his face was red from running , she 'd said . Adam took it in his hands . He only had to look for a few seconds . " Yeah , that 's Hugo Weasley . He was in here yesterday . Why ? " Hugo said he was a friend of his dad 's . Something didn 't feel right , though , he looked really upset . I tried to call Hermione , but her phone was off . I 've never met his dad , I didn 't know how else to get in touch . Why ? What 's going on , Theo ? " he demanded . " Tall , about six feet , tanned from the sun , dirty blond hair and dark eyes . And he had a scar on his hand . Now I 've answered you , you answer me . " Theo called Alexei and payed for his new comic book quickly . He had to go ; he 'd promised Harry he 'd call him , Hermione would want to know , too , and he needed to talk to Hugo 's father . " You 've just described the person who kidnapped him from his school . " Spiderman belongs to Marvel Comics . The freaky doll is part of my imagination . If it 's real or one is similar , I don 't own one . : P Harry had taken the news better than Theo had expected , but maybe that was the man 's Auror training kicking in . He 'd been calm and rational in the floo call , hadn 't bombarded Theo with questions as previous clients and their families had on the phone or in his office nor had he gotten overly hopeful . Theo couldn 't stand when clients got their hopes up only to watch them come crashing down ; he imagined Harry couldn 't either . It would certainly explain how the man knew to act in this situation ; he 'd seen it all before , had probably told others to act in that way . His friend had thanked him for the information and had another Auror go to Adam for a better profile ; they wanted a face to look for . They all hoped to find the man and to find Hugo safe , but they didn 't put all their faith in the profile and have hope of finding Hugo so quickly . It would only hurt more if they didn 't . Instead they put their faith in their department and Theo 's help , hoping to find Hugo soon . Harry had promised he 'd speak to Hermione about everything , from the description of the man who had taken Hugo to the store to the missed calls on her phone from Adam . She 'd need a friend there for that information , family , Theo was sure . He remembered when he 'd missed a call about Alexei once . Granted , his son had been sick and left in day care until Astoria had finally gotten to him , not missing , but that feeling , that you could have done something to help had you paid attention , was the same and he was glad she had Harry and Ginny . They 'd been the ones to tell him it wasn 't his fault , they 'd tell Hermione , too . Theo had taken Alexei to school as normal , despite his fear of leaving him alone . He put his fear down to being a parent ; Hugo was taken quickly and it was efficient , planned , so the little boy had been taken for a reason . Alexei was fine , Hugo was not . Alexei was safe and he 'd make sure Hugo would be , too . First things first , he had to find him . Harry had given Theo Ron 's address during the floo call . He 'd said that Ron would have stayed with Hermione and their daughter , Rose , that night , but would likely come home for clothes . Theo hoped Harry was right and knocked quickly , three sharp bangs with his fist against the white door . He glanced around the neighborhood while he waited ; it seemed almost unnaturally quiet , empty . One neighbor nodded when their eyes locked before he got into his car . He was gone by the time Ron Weasley opened the door . " Mr . Weasley ? " Stepping in and shutting the door , Theo slowly followed Ron down the hallway . He paused to watch the pictures on the wall ; Ron and his daughter laughing on a couch in a living room ; both kids with a small group he assumed were the Weasley grandkids , he recognized Harry 's in the middle ; all four of them in the park , Hugo looking as he did in the photo Hermione had given him . They looked happy , like a family . Swallowing the lump in his throat , both over the thought of family and of the woman in his dream looking back at him and laughing , Theo continued and entered the kitchen . The man had done well for himself , despite the divorce they were still going through ; the room was spacious and light , from the cream walls to the light wood cabinets , and a door opened to the garden . It wasn 't a large garden compared to others Theo had seen , nor was the house in general , but it was enough for a single father and two children when they weren 't with their mother . " I want to ask you some questions , " Theo answered softly . He put his hands into his pockets and stood a little straighter ; he didn 't want to let Ron Weasley know he was uncomfortable . This case was so much different to other cases he 'd been on already and now here was another reason why ; he hadn 't gone to school with his previous clients . Theo took a deep breath and imagined Ron as someone else , someone he didn 't know of , hoping it would be easier to find out what he needed to know . " I didn 't think you did , I swear . I 'm not here to investigate you , " Theo reassured him , his hands flying out of his pockets and into the air in surrender . He stepped a few paces forward and lowered his hands slowly . " Ms . G - " he stopped , tried again ; they were all telling him to call her by her given name , they seemed more comfortable doing so . " Hermione told me that Hugo liked to go to the comic book store , that it calmed him , and it turned out to be somewhere they took him . Now I need to know if there is anywhere else they could go , anything that would stand out to you as a reason why they 'd take your son . I would ask your ex - wife , but I thought it would be better to give her some time after what she found out yesterday . " " No , " Ron said , shaking his head , a ghost of a smile on his lips , as though he was remembering something . Theo frowned , which only caused Ron 's smile to widen ever so slightly . It wasn 't enough to make them forget the situation they were in , but it amused Ron enough to show it . " She makes you nervous . You don 't want to see her cry . " Theo shrugged awkwardly . " It 's easier to talk to a complete stranger than it is talk to someone you 're familiar with , whether you know them or not , " he said , mostly honest with his words . It did feel harder for him because he knew of them , but it wasn 't the whole reason why it felt harder to talk to her , and there was no way he was going to reveal any of that to her ex , especially not his dreams . " I know how hard it can be , I 'm an Auror , " Ron agreed . " And she 's not my ex , she 's still my wife . The divorce isn 't final yet . " Theo took a step back , now eying the man warily . Ron had his back straight , his head up and chin in the ear , as though his words were the start of a dangerous game , competitiveness laced in his tone , and whatever Theo said next would determine which way the game would go . But Theo didn 't understand why ; Harry had said the decision to divorce was mutual , that they 'd both fallen out of love , both wanted to move on . So why was Ron reminding Theo that they were not yet divorced ? Why was he being watched like he was being analyzed ? Like Ron was figuring out if he was worthy ? Worthy of what ? Unless . . . Oh , my God , did I give something away ? Theo couldn 't remember . Ron hadn 't seen his reaction to the photograph , had he noticed something in his voice when he 'd claimed Hermione to be his ex - wife ? Something Theo himself hadn 't noticed ? No , that was crazy . Wasn 't it ? He cleared his throat , brought his attention back to the world around him , and looked Ron in the eye . He 'd be honest , but wouldn 't play the game . " Whether the divorce is final or not , you 're still separated . Not being together anymore is an ex in my book . " " I suppose it is , " Ron murmured appreciatively . If he was still playing , Theo must have passed . Leaning forward , Ron answered his question . " Hermione and I have good jobs , a life that pays well enough for us to buy our kids what they ask for on their birthdays and Christmas , to take them in holiday every so often and spoil them on occasion . But we 're not rolling in money . We don 't have anything they would want and I don 't know anywhere they might take him . If Hugo is not at home or at school or with family , then he 's at the comic store with Hermione or he 's at the park with me . I don 't know how to help . " " Then why did they take him ? " Theo muttered , pacing the room . Ron must have known he was only voicing his thoughts , a habit he 'd picked up from spending so much time with Adam since he was a child , because he kept quiet . Listening to Adam speak his problems out loud had had a calming effect on Theo and he 'd started doing the same . He 'd sit and he 'd tell himself about his cases ; it helped . " Not for money ; no ransom . Planned out ; not random . Last place he was seen ; go back to Adam . " He turned back to Ron , who had been watching intently in confusion , and pulled out his wallet , fishing out a business card from inside . He dropped it on the table and Ron picked it up hesitantly . " If you think of anything , you call me . " " A feeling , " Theo said weakly , walking away . Honestly , he wasn 't exactly sure . It was just the last place anyone had seen Hugo . But his instincts said to go back and he always followed them ; he had to . " As soon as I know anything , you 'll know . I promise . " Adam watched Theo with narrowed eyes while he banged his head on his arms , which were stretched across the counter . He noted the strange looks the man at his side was getting , but didn 't say anything , not even to ask how he was . He knew it was about the case , about finding the little boy , and he knew Theo wouldn 't give him any information while people were listening . So he went back to his customer , gave the kid his receipt and waited for him to leave . As though Theo knew they were now alone , he sat up quickly , his forehead red due to the number of times he 'd hit himself . " I am good at my job , " he said suddenly . " I have never lost a case . Not one . But this one , I don 't know where to look or what to do . I 'm so confused and worried that I 'm going to get the boy hurt or worse because I don 't know . It 'll be my fault . " " It will not be your fault , " Adam said sternly , angry that Theo would even think that . " You will figure it out like you always do and you will find Hugo . Just sit and be quiet and think . It 'll come to you . " Theo did as he was told ; he sat on his stool , silent and still except for his light breathing , and Adam sorted through the latest Superman issues that had come to the shop , leaving him alone to think everything through . He got up suddenly , a thought coming to him , and went to the door . He faced the counter , feeling Adam 's curious eyes on him . " Go through exactly what happened the other day . I want to retrace Hugo 's steps in here . " " You told the Auror who came in for the profile that once Hugo got to the counter he seemed in a hurry to leave , " Theo said calmly , softly . He shut his eyes . " I want to know why . I 'm six years old , a man has taken me from school and brought me here to calm me down . Why do I need to be calm ? Why doesn 't he just take me where he needs to go ? " Theo opened his eyes and frowned . " Because he doesn 't know yet . He needs me calm so he can find that out without interruption . So he brings me here . Go , " he pointed to Adam . " He 's still keeping an eye on Hugo , " Theo said , going to the same place . It was the exact place he 'd gone to all those years ago , the first time he 'd ever come to Adam 's . It was the place he 'd gone to when he was afraid , same as Hugo . " Hugo started looking through the comics . His hands were shaking , he was upset . I thought it was something to do with his parents divorce . " Adam took a deep breath to calm down , the memory of the day getting to him now that he knew that wasn 't the case . " He kept turning to glance at the man he came with , he was on the phone ; I could see him , but I couldn 't hear him . Hugo was closer than I was . " " Because then he started to mess with his school bag , but Hugo had his back to me and I couldn 't see what he was doing . The guy had his back to both of us . Then Hugo stopped , just as the guy got off the phone . He told Hugo to hurry up and they came to the counter . " Theo moved and stopped in front of him , waiting patiently to hear the rest of the story . He still needed to know what he was looking for . He needed the end for everything to make sense . He needed to know to find Hugo , he was sure . " Hugo came to me with two comics , the guy told him to pick one but I said he could have both . Hugo said no , gave me the one he didn 't want , practically pushed it into my hands , and the guy paid for the other . Hugo was out the door as soon as the guy said it was time to go . " The silence between them grew as Theo took in everything he 'd been told . The tension mounted , threatening to suffocate them both , until Adam had to ask what he was thinking . He looked up slowly , shaking his head , and for a moment Adam thought he wasn 't going to answer him . " There just seem to be things that don 't make sense , " he eventually said . " Hermione told me that when Hugo was upset she 'd have to actually pick him up to get him out of here . " He looked to his friend for confirmation , who nodded . " If he was scared and upset , you 'd think he 'd try hard to stay here . So why did he leave so willingly ? " " Yeah , " Theo muttered , rubbing his eyes . He was so tired , sleep had seemed inevitable last night . His dream had woken him after two o ' clock and he 'd spent the rest of the night figuring out how to talk to Ron Weasley . That hadn 't gone according to plan . " What was the comic he didn 't want ? " Adam laughed softly and searched through the pile of comic books behind the counter . Once he found the right one , he pushed it in front of Theo . " And he didn 't throw it at me . " " Hmm , " was Theo 's only response . In his mind he went through the scenario again , retracing the little boy 's steps over and over while he flicked idly through the pages . Then he noticed it ; the reason Hugo had gone to his bag in haste while his kidnapper had his back turned ; why that smart little boy had left the shop so quickly . There was the answer , right in front of him . Written in pencil , in a six year old 's messy handwriting . " So like his mother , " he whispered . " Don 't call me that , " he glared , holding up the comic and tapping his finger over the top left corner . " Rizzo 's . He heard the guy give a name and went in his bag for his pencil . Then he gave you the comic so you 'd find it , probably thought you 'd call his mum . He 's as smart as his mother , it 's a little scary . " " He reminds me of Lex . " Adam scoffed . " Hell , he reminds me of you . The only Rizzo 's I know is the Italian restaurant in the center of London . Do you really think they 'd kinap a kid and take there ? " " No , it may have just been a place to meet whoever he was calling , " Theo admitted . " But I 'm going to check it out anyway . " His watch beeped , signaling the hour . " After I 've picked Alexei up from school and found a babysitter . " He turned to his friend expectantly , dejected when Adam shook his head apologetically . " Can 't help you , sorry . Hannah 's with her parents , Lizzie is who knows where and I promised Luke I 'd take him to a movie . " " It 's okay , I 'll figure something out , " he waved and left the shop quickly . Alexei 's school had finished and they only stood with him for fifteen minutes before taking him inside to wait . Theo had to get there before then , he didn 't want a repeat of last time when the headmistress had acted concerned and asked how life at home was . But , hoping he didn 't regret his next decision , he stepped back inside . He 'd want to know if he was Adam , he felt it only right to tell him now . " Lizzie is with that creep Marc in town . I saw them on my way here . " From the small , dirty window , that he could see through when he climbed up on to the top of the cupboard , Hugo watched the sun shine through the clouds . He saw the shapes in the sky and the shadows on the ground and he made up little stories about each one he could make out . His favorite story was about the small , white rabbit - like cloud who was taken away from his school one day . The cloud was lost for a while , but his mummy , daddy and uncle - the three big clouds on the right - found him and brought him home . Hugo wondered if his mummy knew about his clue yet . Had Adam found it when he 'd looked through the comic ? Adam always checked the comics , Hugo knew . He saw Adam do it all the time . And he always talked to his mummy . He hoped Adam wasn 't too mad about him writing on the page ; Adam didn 't like that . But Hugo had to do it , so his mummy would know where to start . " Hurry up , Mummy , " he whispered to the clouds . Sometimes , Hugo could wait for anything , his family called him an unusually patient child all the time , but right now he was cold and hungry and scared . He wasn 't feeling very patient . But the bad men shouted at him when he cried , even louder when he shouted back . So he stopped and tried to wait , listening to what they said instead . Someone did something bad , something they didn 't like , and they were waiting for him . They were waiting to punish him . Hugo didn 't know who yet , or why he had to be here , but he hoped the one they wanted didn 't come . He wanted Mummy to come first , in case the one they wanted was Daddy or Harry . The door to the room opened again and Hugo jumped down from the cupboard quickly , landing on the floor before they came in . The two bad men didn 't stay for long , they threw in another and left again . This man was older than Hugo , more like his daddy 's age , and his face was all red and black and blue . His eyes were closed , but he wasn 't sleeping ; Hugo could hear him moaning . Hugo stepped forward , only to jump back in fright when the older man 's eyes snapped open . He sat up slowly and put his hand on the back of his head . " Son of a - " He stopped suddenly , only just noticing that Hugo was standing next to him . " Ow , " he said instead , like his family did when they knew they shouldn 't say a bad word . " Do you know where we are , kid ? " He had less patience than Hugo did , he could tell , but he shook his head . He wasn 't allowed to talk to strangers and he didn 't know why the man was here . The man groaned again and got up , his legs shaky . Hugo wondered if he 'd fall over . But he didn 't . He went to the window , pushed the cupboard away so he could look properly . Hugo frowned ; he didn 't know if he could put it back . " You don 't have to be scared , Hugo , " he said softly , moving away from the window to kneel in front of him . He gently put a hand on Hugo 's shoulder to stop him from moving away , not understanding how the stranger knew his name . " People are looking for you . My friend is looking for you and he 's the best . He 'll find us . " Hugo cocked his head to his left . " Who ? " he asked finally , quietly . He knew this man wasn 't talking about is Daddy or Harry ; he 'd met their friends and this stanger wasn 't one of them . Was he ? The stranger sat down properly on the cold floor , crossing his legs , and Hugo did the same , so they were sat across from each other . He made sure there was a gap between them . " His name is Theodore Nott , he 's a private detective . " " I know . " Hugo remembered them talking about him . Theodore was the only friend of theirs he hadn 't met . Or he had and couldn 't remember . His cousin , James , could remember him a little , though . He said so when they talked about him . " Who are you ? " he asked . " Are you friends with them , too ? " Blaise . Yes , he 'd heard that name . Was he the one they wanted ? No , he wasn 't the one they wanted to punish , Hugo guessed . They wouldn 't bring him here if he was , they said they had a special place for that person . Hugo didn 't know where that special place was , but it sounded bad when they said it . " Why are you here , Blaise ? " Hugo shrugged , he knew the name from his mummy ; he could tell him . " I don 't know yet . But I 've been listening . They want someone . And they really don 't like this person . " Theo made it to the school with a few minutes to spare and waved Alexei over . He watched his son grab his bag , say something to his teacher and run his way , stopping right in front of him . " Hey , Daddy , " he said excitedly , wrapping his arms around his waist . Not being able to stop himself , Theo laughed , Alexei 's good mood infectious , and took the boy 's bag . He put it over his own shoulder and held out his hand . " Good day at school ? " he asked . He let Alexei talk while they walked , content in just listening to the little boy 's excitement over his first time playing a Muggle sport . He let the words fill his head , giving him a moment of freedom from his case . Maybe if he came back to it with a clear head , he would know what to do next . He was walking into it blind , had no idea what going to that restaurant would bring . Theo shook his head ; finding Hugo wasn 't one of those strategy puzzles , but that was the only way he could describe how he was feeling . It was like chess , one had to make a move for the other player to go next . But Theo was always bad at chess . Theo stopped , waving once when Harry did . He was stood against the car 's passenger side of the door , waiting for them , it seemed . The man 's smile was tight , but once he was closer he saw that Harry 's eyes looked a little brighter than before , hopeful . " I did , " Harry agreed , speaking to Theo . " Until she said that she was coming and I was staying . Now I 'm not so sure . " Harry opened the car door and let Alexei inside . " Move over , Lex , I 'm sitting with you . " He turned to Theo and nodded to the front seat . " Since you 're staying with Hermione , she says you get shotgun . " " I 'm not used to having people work with me , but no , that 's not why , " Theo muttered , his eyes on the road . He knew she was waiting for another answer , an explanation for his silence , and he almost blurted out his dream and why he seemed so nervous around her . But that would have been the worst thing to do , he knew , and he stopped himself quickly . Instead he kept it professional . " I 'm going through scenarios in my head , hoping I can understand why they chose to go to Rizzo 's and what I might find there . " " We 've tracked your cases , the Auror department are still hoping you 'll come back , and we trust you and your judgement . Truly , " Hermione promised . " I am here for legal advice and guidance . And because I 'm a terrified mother , who can 't just sit at home and wait . But I won 't get in your way ; this is your case and I know my boundaries . " Rightly so . " Yes , " he nodded . " He listened to the man on the phone and he wrote down the name . He was very messy , it took all of Adam 's strength to stay calm , which really shows how much he cares , and he got his Z 's backwards , if you want all of the details . " Theo held up his hands in surrender . " Hey , I 'm not having a go at his spelling . I was awed actually , Lex has trouble spelling his own name . Did you teach him ? " Hermione nodded . " And Ron . He 's always seemed to excel at things from an early age . We took him to a doctor a few months ago , did tests ; he said Hugo has a high IQ and believes he has an eidetic memory . Ron calls him our little genius . They all said he was taking after me , but I knew he was special . And that 's how I know he 'll be okay . " " His family took on a troll , tricked Umbridge and ended a war ; even without that good memory , he 'll be okay , " Theo promised with a small smile , hoping that what he was saying was true . He nodded to the restaurant in front of them . " We 're here . " Theo opened it for her , allowing her to enter first , and lead her to the podium were a waiter was standing . " Hungry ? " he asked pleasantly . He ignored Hermione 's curious gaze . " Table for two ? " Despite her suspicions being raised further , Hermione played along and followed the waiter to a table , her narrowed eyes a promise that he 'd tell her what he was doing . She sat down , thanking the waiter , and took a menu from his hands . Theo did the same and they nodded when he said a waitress would be here soon . " What 's your game , Theodore ? " she asked the moment they were alone . " I 'm hungry , " he answered innocently . " And we 're going to use this time so I can do what we PI 's do best ; snoop , " Theo joked . " I 'm going to ask around , see if anyone remembers Hugo , and find out what happened here . Is that okay ? " Theo waited twenty minutes before he thought about excusing himself to ask his questions , ordering his meal and making small talk with Hermione about their family , friends and jobs to pass the time . When Hermione asked why , he told her honestly ; that he had no idea how to start and was figuring it all out in his head . Although he missed out his selfish reasons ; that he wanted to get to know her more . She accepted his answer , knew from his reminders during the few times they 'd spoken that this was his first kidnapping case , and understood that he didn 't want to mess anything up by diving in head first and thinking nothing through . " My campaigns and charity for House Elves , " Hermione replied . " I wanted to do more to change the laws , so I spent some time there , going through legislature . There I realized there was more that needed to be changed in our world and I wanted to do something about it . I knew the only way I 'd really get anything done would be if I took a lead role , so joined the department . It was one of the best decisions I ever made . " Theo nodded absentmindedly , and she had to wonder if he was really listening . " And you 're acquainted with Blaise Zabini . He said you 've crossed paths a few times . " " We have , " Hermione agreed . " He 's more criminal law , whereas I 'm for human and beings ' rights , but I 've been called in on cases occasionally and we 've worked together a few times . We rarely spoke to each other in school , as you know , but I know him well enough now and we get on well . I was surprised when he said you were friends , though . " He finally turned to face her fully , understanding her surprise . " Yeah , we weren 't the best of friends in school because he was friends with Draco . I stopped being Draco 's friend because I had no desire to be involved with the Dark Arts and eventually Blaise stopped running back and forth between us . He stayed friends with Draco , so he was always there when Alexei was born , he helped a lot . We started to bridge the gap , become friends again . " Theo paused to take a drink of water and find the waitress again . " Have you seen him lately ? He hasn 't answered my floo calls these last couple of days . " Hermione thought back to the last time she 'd seen Blaise Zabini , which had been the morning before Hugo had been taken . " No . He hasn 't even been in work . That 's not like him . I was so worried about Hugo that I hadn 't noticed . " " I 'll try again tonight , " Theo muttered , distracted . Hermione turned discreetly to find the waitress was back . " Now it 's time to ask my questions and I know where to start . " He glanced down at her name tag briefly . " Yeah , Nancy . I was told that a man brought a little boy here yesterday afternoon , I 'm wondering if you can confirm that . Do you recognize him ? " he asked , removing the picture of Hugo from his inside pocket and showing her . Her eyes widened slightly at the image , telling Theo that she recognized him , and she glanced at Hermione once more . " T - The guy said his name was Matthew , " Nancy stuttered finally . Theo nodded , knowing from both Hermione and Harry that Hugo 's middle name was Matthew ; it made sense that they 'd change it a little . " Is he okay ? " " I 'm not sure , " he replied . " That 's why I have to find him . Can you remember anything about yesterday ? Did you see or hear anything that could tell me where to find him ? " Nancy shook her head slowly , her eyes pleading with him . Only he had no idea what she was trying to say . " He just told me to look after Matthew , then he went into the back . " " At first , he didn 't talk except to ask for a napkin and a pen , then - " Nancy shut her mouth when her name was called and food was ready to be served . " Please sit , sir . I 'll bring your food to your table . " Nancy came soon after they spoke at the bar , serving their meals and taking out her notepad and pen as though she was asking if they 'd like another drink . She dropped a napkin in the middle of the table . " They called him Matthew , your little boy , " she whispered to Hermione . " But he said his first name was Hugo , and he 's a really smart kid . He described you , said you 'd come , he really believed it , and he wrote something for you , " she gestured to the napkin , " told me to give it to you . He even told me about the comic shop in case you didn 't come , he really wanted you to know . I promised him if you didn 't come , I 'd go there . " " Because that guy is bad news , " Nancy whispered . " The person he works for owns this place , and he has ears everywhere . The waiter who called my name is one of those ears . " She stepped back , put away her notepad and pen . " I 'll be right back with your waters , " she said with a bright smile and left quickly . They ate in silence , ignoring the napkin for as long as they could , until Theo finished his meal and picked it up as though he was wiping his mouth . " What does it say ? " Hermione whispered . Not wanting to waste time , Hermione asked for the check . They split the bill , gave Nancy a bigger tip and left , giving her a discreet nod as they did so . In the car , Hermione asked for the napkin . She hoped it was another place Hugo had heard , the location they 'd take him to . She didn 't hide her disappointment when she saw that she was wrong . " Daniel , " she muttered , her eyes narrowed at the name . " Who the hell is Daniel ? " Theo didn 't turn to her , he didn 't want to see her hope leave her eyes . " I have no idea . " A / N : New chapter , longer than last time , and even more mystery . I hope you enjoyed . please let me know what you think . : ) The ride from the restaurant to Harry 's home was more animated in the beginning , while Theo and Hermione went through everyone they knew named Daniel , but when that stopped - neither knew that many people with that name , even in passing - the car was silent again . Only it was comfortable this time ; Hermione accepted that Theo needed his thoughts and prepared herself for him being silent often , while Theo silently thanked her for understanding and leaving him to it . The look she 'd given him , along with the small smile , told him she knew . She stopped the car in front of the house , on the curb rather than the driveway , and Theo waited until she had shut her car door before following , making sure to grab Alexei 's school bag before he got out . He looked up at the house , barely being able to remember the last time he 'd been inside . James was nine now ; it had been the boy 's third birthday , just before Alexi was born . After that , he 'd seen James a couple of times out with Ginny or in the Ministry with Harry and they 'd all gone out once not long after Alexei 's birth for Al 's birthday , but he had not been in the house and he hadn 't seen him for years . He wondered if James remembered him , he hadn 't gone into the office when he 'd called for Alexei the day before . He knew Albus and Lily didn 't know him . Theo stepped through and shut the door , entering the chatter - filled living room . " Dad ! " Alexei came running over , looking even more excited than he had been about football . " Harry showed me how to levi - levi - move things . " Lily stepped up from behind Alexei ; her new friend had said his dad was okay and now that James knew him and could talk to him like a friend , she just had to now . She held out her hand . " Hello . " " You 're looking for Hugo . " Another nod . Lily shook her head . " He got himself into trouble . I told him he would soon , but he didn 't listen . " Lily turned to face them , angry . " Well , he did . And I did tell him . You think he 's good , but he 's not . He 's bad . " Her eyes went back to Theo and she pulled on his sleeve . " Hugo 's bad . " " Stop it ! " another voice yelled at the same time . From the corner , a red - haired little girl , who looked so much like Ron , stood up . Rose , he recognized her immediately from the photos on Ron 's wall . " Leave my brother alone ! He 's not bad , he 's not ! " She ran out of the room then , and after a look Ron followed her . Hermione gave Theo a soft smile , thanked him and said good bye before leaving , too . The silence in the living room became awkward , even between the boys , who looked everywhere but at Lily . Tears swam in the little girl 's eyes , but none fell , and she remained stubborn , believing what she said to be true until Ginny led her out of the room . " He has a bit of a temper when he doesn 't get his own way , he knows he 's smart , so he thinks he 's better than everyone else , he gets into mischief . Kid stuff , " Harry shrugged stiffly . " Naturally , Lily 's imagination has her thinking Hugo is bad . Well , she makes it sound worse than it is anyway . " " She fought with Hugo before he disappeared , " James whispered loudly , like it was a scandal . " Said he was bad and he lies because she didn 't believe him when he said he was sick . She 's guilt - ridden . " " James , don 't , " Harry said . " Boys , go with Alexei and get the cookies you made during the weekend . You promised he could have some . " " The waitress at the restaurant remembered Hugo , they 're calling him Matthew by the way . He left a name on a napkin . He must have overheard that , too . " " Old cases , " Ron said from behind . He looked as determined as Hermione had been in the car and repeated his words with a confident nod . " I 'll also check prison records , see who 's been released . They could be people we 've put away , relatives of those people ; their names , next of kin , known associates , they 'll all be in the files . If I had a grudge , I 'd think kidnapping a kid would be a good way of panicking the family . " " That makes sense , " Harry nodded . " And it 's better than nothing . Come to the Ministry tomorrow morning , Theo ? About nine ? We might be able to give you somewhere else to look . " Theo turned to the now open door , hearing the boys ' voices get closer , and he gripped Alexei 's bag tighter . " I 'll see you there . But we have to go now . " He called Alexei 's name . " Can we use your floo ? " The old building they were being kept in was quiet , too quiet Blaise thought . He sat with his knees pressed to his chest against the wall , by the door he 'd been pushed through . He 'd been sat there since the afternoon , his back was stiff and his behind was numb , but when he focused , he could just make out their voices . He hoped to hear something that would help piece together what they wanted from himself and the kid ; he refused to move in case he missed anything . But it was quiet now and Blaise was both disappointed and nervous , though he refused to let the kid see either emotion . Hugo was lying on his back in the corner to Blaise 's left , his eyes were closed and his arms were folded over his chest , his right hand resting on his left . Blaise would have sworn the kid was asleep , except the position was too stiff , not relaxed like a sleeping little boy should be , and his mouth was moving rapidly . He was talking to himself ; Blaise had no idea what . The boy was a mystery , one he was afraid he couldn 't solve , more afraid that he didn 't want to . Hugo had told him that he 'd stopped crying because ' the bad men yelled ' , but now he was too calm . Six year old kids should not be calm in a situation like this , when a grown man was freaking out . " What are you doing ? " Blaise asked quietly . He needed to break the unsettling silence that hung in the air around the creepy building , but he didn 't want to startle the kid . Hugo didn 't move or show that he had been startled in any way . He just opened his eyes and turned his head , he tried to raise an eye - brow as Hermione liked to do and failed . " What are you doing ? " he copied . " Listening for any information on this place , since you won 't tell me , " Blaise answered . " Maybe if I know enough , I can find a way out for us . I can take you back to your parents . " Hugo was silent for a moment and looked as though he wanted to say something . Maybe he was going to finally tell Blaise about this place , maybe he 'd heard more than he 'd said and was willing to share . Instead he shrugged his little shoulders . Their prison became silent again , but Blaise didn 't care this time ; it was time to give up getting the boy to talk . He was on his own . So , he listened and he waited until their voices came back . " I 'm telling you , man , something is seriously wrong with that kid , " one said hurriedly . " It was normal for him to cry and yell , and he did - for about an hour . There hasn 't been a word from him since then . " " But you 'd think he 'd still be crying , that we 'd see red eyes when we saw him , but there 's nothing ! " the first pointed out loudly . They were definitely nervous . Blaise glanced at the kid , thankful that he couldn 't hear . Or didn 't seem to , at least . " It 's giving me the creeps , " he continued . " He 's a bloody six year old , " the second cried . He 'd obviously had to repeat himself . " All you have to do is give him his food . It 's not like you have to spend all day with him . " The first , probably the younger of the two if Blaise remembered the voices right , huffed and muttered things Blaise couldn 't hear . Then he spoke louder . " What does Dan want with this kid anyway ? Why not go for the other guy 's kid ? The guy he actually wants ? " Blaise frowned and cursed silently . They still weren 't giving names . He 'd heard them talk about the one they wanted , or their boss wanted , the one Hugo had heard , too . But he was always ' him ' or ' the guy ' . They never said his name . But they knew he had a kid . Either their boss had only given them information he wanted them to know and they didn 't know his name or they did know and just didn 't care enough to name him . " Partly . I also know that Dan is intrigued by the kid . I don 't know why , before you ask . I just know that it had to be Hugo Weasley , so I took Hugo Weasley . " A few minutes after eight , Theo put Alexei 's film back on and went into the kitchen to wash their dinner plates . He told Alexei he had half an hour before he had to go to bed , but he made a bet with himself that the little boy would be fast asleep on the floor long before that . He 'd had a long , exciting day playing football at school and then going to Lily 's . Theo had barely spoken to her and already thought she was a handful . Oh . So , he had heard something . Theo jogged to the door , hoping whoever was knocking hadn 't been there for too long - it had to be important if they were coming over at this time . He reminded Alexei of the time and asked him to stay in the living room as he went past , then opened the door . Theo nodded quickly and stepped aside for her to enter . His eyes watched her move , trailing down her back to her legs for a brief moment before mentally yelling at himself to be professional and keep his eyes on her face . Damn dream . " Oh . " They stood in the hallway and stared at each other , letting the silence drown them and become awkward , until Theo remembered his manners . " The kitchen is this way . There 's a place to sit , Lex is falling asleep in front of the TV and I don 't want him distracted . He can 't have an excuse to stay up for longer . " Theo groaned , seeing Alexei standing by the doorway ; he 'd obviously been listening to their conversation and his big smile said he knew his dad 's plan to keep him occupied and wasn 't going to fall for it . Hermione realized this , too , he noticed quickly . He watched as she knelt down , so they ware eye - level . " It 's your favorite part , you should go watch it , " Theo interrupted , tapping Hermione on the shoulder to lead her away . He held out his hand to help Hermione up and waited until Alexei went back to his movie . He showed her to the table , moving about to avoid more awkwardness . " Would you like a drink ? Tea , coffee , juice ? " Theo kept his back to her as he grabbed a glass and got her drink , breathing in and out , so when he finally faced her , he felt mostly calm and was able to put her glass on the table in front of her without his hand shaking . He hated his dreams , the way he felt when he was around her - the ache he felt to be near her was a constant reminder of what he feared would come . He felt he was being betrayed by his own body ; he knew he 'd be completely normal around her if the dreams had never existed . He 'd feel comfortable in his own home with her sitting at the table and would be able to help her with a much clearer head . But he wasn 't . " Theo , " he said instinctively , another reminder - that was what she called him on the roof when she had said those three words to him . " Please . And I 'm fine . What do you want to talk to me about ? " " Okay , Theo , " Hermione said , understanding that he was politely trying to get back to business . " I just wanted to thank you for letting me come with you to the restaurant . I told you that I 'd do anything you 'd ask and if you 'd told me no , I wouldn 't have come . I would have hated it and fought , but I promised , so I 'd have stayed in the end . So , thank you for letting me . And for getting the information from the waitress . Ron said you were going through old cases to find a connection to the name . I almost lost hope , but you can still do something . I don want to imagine where we 'd be if she hasn 't given us that napkin . " Theo sat quietly and listened to her talk . She kept her head up and her eyes seemed focused on him , only him . If she noticed him flinch at the mention of her husband - soon - to - be - ex , he reminded himself - she didn 't say anything . " You came to thank me ? " She nodded . " I know it feels silly , you only got a napkin really , and I almost stopped myself a few times . But you 're doing everything you can to find my baby , Hugo wrote that for us to find , which makes it important and you found it . " Hermione placed her hand over his and squeezed . " Thank you . " " You 're welcome , " he murmured . Slowly , he removed his hand . " I need to go put Lex to bed , I 'll be right back . " He all but ran from the kitchen , stopping only when he reached the living room , and let his heartbeat slow down . Once it was back to normal , he went to Alexei ; just as he 'd predicted , the little boy was fast asleep on the floor . The day had tired him out completely . Theo picked him up , careful not to wake him , and carried him to his room . He pulled back the sheets , lowered him down gently and covered him up . Bending down , Theo left a quick kiss on his forehead . He was surprised to find Hermione waiting for him at the front door . " I thought it was time I left you with your son and I have to get back anyway . I only came to thank you for everything you did today . I would have said this to you at Harry 's , but - " " You had to go to Rose , I know , " he answered . He opened the door for Hermione to leave . " I 'll see you tomorrow . " Only she didn 't ; in the same moment , Theo moved and she caught his lips in a light kiss . Shock and surprise was the reason they let it continue for longer than it should have , Theo was sure , but in that moment he didn 't care . She pulled back before anything more could happen . " Bye , " he said after a moment , but Hermione was already gone . Theo closed the door and leant against it , feeling lightheaded . His dream was definitely coming true . It was still dark when Blaise woke up , but one look out of the dirty window told him that the sun would be rising soon enough . All he had to do was wait ; as soon as light broke through the grey clouds and they came with what little food they brought for breakfast , he 'd be ready . If the war had taught him one thing , it was how to fight back , and now that he was strong enough , he just needed an opportunity to finally prove that he was no longer a coward hiding behind ideals , but a man who could use more than just fighting words in front of the Wizengamot . Blaise used the time he had to think things through ; if he were alone , he 'd easily be able to think ' screw it ' , not think about what he was doing and just run for it , blaming his lapse of rational thinking and sanity on the beatings and curses he 'd received on arrival if they didn 't catch him or kill him as he ran . It wouldn 't be hard for people to believe he 'd snapped . But he wasn 't alone , his sole reason for rational thinking was sleeping softly on the floor , still too calm , and Blaise knew that even if Granger and Weasley found a way to forgive him for snapping , the rest of the Wizarding world would not . Blaise checked the window again , took deep breaths when he saw the sky begin to lighten and waited . One of them would come soon . He knew his best plan was a surprise attack ; whoever they were , they were prepared for most things , magic and Muggle , and Blaise knew he wouldn 't make it out alive if they saw anything coming . He wasn 't even sure why he was still alive now . So , he would surprise the guy and take him down , after that he just had to find a way out , preferably with his wand . Quietly , he knelt in front of Hugo and shook him awake , putting his finger to his lips as soon as Hugo 's eyes opened . Seeming to understand , the kid nodded and sat up . " I 'm going to get us out of here , " he whispered . " But you have to be very quiet and do exactly as I say . Do you understand ? " Hugo nodded again , keeping his mouth shut , and Blaise stood . He moved to stand next to the door and pointed to the wall across from him . When Hugo stood right next to the door , Blaise gestured with his hand for the kid to move back , until there was a large gap between them . When the guy coming opened the door , it would open in Hugo 's direction ; the kid wouldn 't be seen , wouldn 't be able to see Blaise knock a man out , and if the guy swung the door open , it wouldn 't hit him . He kept his ear to the thin wall and listened . It was only a few moments before he heard voices , arguing over who was going in , but the voice of the older guy won and he seemed to be sounding quieter and quieter . He was leaving , the younger guy would be all alone . The door opened and as soon as he stepped through , Blaise delivered a blow to the neck with his elbow , hard enough to severely wind him . The tray of food crashed to the floor and he coughed and spluttered , trying to stand up properly , his hands searching for his wand . Blaise used the moment to send a other blow to the man 's chest , then punched him . The force broke his nose and he went limp , fell to the floor alongside the tray . Blaise nodded and took hold of his arm . " Yeah , lets call it sleep . He will be for a while . Come on . And keep quiet . " " Thank you for reminding me why I don 't want kids , " he groaned . Blaise crouched down , so the kid could see his face without needing to look up . " I also told you to do as I tell you . You can answer the question ; do you remember the way ? " Blaise wanted to punch the air and let out every bit of joy he felt ; his wand was in there , it had to be . He took Hugo 's arm again and glanced around the wall , checking it was empty . Satisfied , he led the boy down the hall until they came to the last office , the one on his left . He saw it was empty and pointed at the door . Blaise tried the door , both hopeful and wary to find that it was open . This was suddenly looking like it was too easy to get out and he didn 't like it . But nothing happened when the door opened or when he took a cautious step inside and he really needed his wand . He continued on with his plan , searching the room quickly for his wand . He came to the desk and tried the drawers ; the top was open and empty , but the bottom draw was locked . Blaise looked around for the key , but there wasn 't one to be found on the desk and he knew he hadn 't seen one around the room . It took a few minutes and all of his strength , but he finally managed to force it open . Blaise almost fell to his knees , exhausted , but grabbed his wand from the top of the pile of papers . " Thank God . Oh , thank you , " he murmured , putting it into his inside pocket quickly . He was about to close the drawer and leave when the name on the top file captured his attention and he grabbed it without thinking , opening it to read . " Theodore ? What the hell ? " " The key to everything , " a voice said from the door . Blaise snapped his head up from the file and pulled Hugo closer to him . " I had a feeling you 'd get out eventually . " " I called my secretary while we were getting the kids ready and asked her if she 'd come in early and go through the archives for anything on a Daniel and any variations , " he said quietly , trying to hold back a yawn . Theo wondered how long it had been since any of them had really slept . " She wants to help find Hugo ; she was happy to look . This was everything she could find . " Theo opened the lid , already grimacing at the thought of how many case files there 'd be . He was surprised to find that , while the box was full , there were only a few files which he deemed big enough to take awhile to sort through . The rest were small ; either they were minor offenders , once or twice , or they only offended once and it was big enough to send them straight to Azkaban . He certainly didn 't think it would take them all day , now he just hoped that the Daniel they wanted was in the box and they 'd find Daniel quickly . Theo couldn 't begin to know where to look if the man they wanted wasn 't in this box . Theo choked on his food and Harry kicked his friend from under the table , warning him to shut up . Even Hermione , who looked as curious as her almost ex husband , told him to leave it alone . Clearing his throat , Theo shook his head at the other two and dropped his sandwich onto the table . Ron frowned , trying to figure out who the name belonged to . Then his eyes widened . " Alexei said ' Aunt Astoria ' and ' Uncle Draco ' . You married Daphne Greengrass ? " The red head shrugged , suddenly looking upset . But not guilty . " I need something else to focus on , so I can be as objective as I can and not miss something . I have to pretend I 'm not looking for my son and since I don 't know much about you , I figured now would be the time to ask . So , why did you sleep with Daphne Greengrass when you obviously don 't like her ? " " It 's alright , Harry , " Theo promised . " It was a long time ago , I 'm over it . I can talk about it . " He took another bite of his sandwich , followed quickly by a bit of pop , and leaned forward . " It 's the same old story really ; I met a girl , she broke my heart , I got drunk at a friend 's wedding anniversary party , friend 's sister decided she could easily get into my pants and what kind of a man would I be if I stopped her ? " " He knows her name and that she 's Astoria 's sister , he 's even seen a picture of her , " Theo answered softly . " He 's never met her , though . She left just after he was born and I haven 't seen her since . I have no desire to . Lex doesn 't call her his mum , he doesn 't even ask about her . Maybe one day he will and I dread that day because she wants nothing to do with him . She 's not the mothering type , " he finished bitterly . " Is that all ? " It only lasted fifteen minutes , the silence . Hermione moved to sit next to Theo hastily and dropped her newest case file , one of the big one 's , in front of them . " Tell me about the big case you solved ? " " The police arrested this guy for murder . He couldn 't remember anything , but swore he was innocent , so his family came to me to find out who else could have a motive , " he said quickly . " I started from the beginning , the crime scene , and I found new evidence . I also found out where the guy they locked up had been , I found out he 'd been drugged , knocked out . With the evidence and a new alibi , he was set free and they found the person who framed him . " " Rayner , " Harry whispered , sharing a look with Ron - both looked fearful . Faster than Theo could blink , they both seemed to be hovering over him and Hermione , looking at the file . " Danny Rayner , of course it 's him . La Oscurità have Hugo . " Theo seemed frozen in his seat , dread seeming ready to take him . He knew all about the gang , everyone in the Wizarding world did . Even the Muggle police knew some things ; they tried to cover it up . They were malicious , dangerous and not afraid to hurt anyone who got in their way . They had ' members ' from all backgrounds , all over the world , but the people high up , the bosses , they were family . They started it and they were fiercely protective of each other . He just never knew the family 's name . And he 'd locked one up . " To keep us busy , " Ron whispered . " They 've gone after us , taunted us , a few times . Taking Hugo would keep us guessing , but it also gave you a case . " Ron turned Theo 's chair around , looking him right in the eye . " Harry knows you , respects you ; the man who sent down Big Brother . He knew Harry would call you . It 's you he wants . You 're a dead man , Theo . He knows you 'll save Hugo , he just has to wait for you to come , and you 'll be lucky to get out alive . " " There 's a reason we don 't mess with La Oscurità , " Harry said softly . " We can 't touch them , their too smart , and they 're terrifying . So much worse than Voldemort in some ways , so much worse than the Death Eaters in every way . I genuinely don 't know what to do . " " But why Hugo ? " Theo insisted . " They don 't do anything randomly . They picked Hugo as part of their revenge for a reason . Why ? " Each person surrounding him said they didn 't know , each looking at him with regret . But Harry had him pause the longest ; there was more than just regret in the man 's eyes . He had to know what . " Then be ready to save me , Hero , " Theo countered with a halfhearted grin . " I won 't leave him in there when it 's me they want . I wouldn 't leave Alexei , I wouldn 't leave any child , " he whispered , thinking of his little boy . Thinking of Astoria . " Tell me what ? " a new voice said suddenly , causing them all to turn . Draco Malfoy studied them all hesitantly . " Theo , what 's going on ? " " I forgot you worked here , as part of the Auror department , " he said instead , too quiet . Draco saw right through it . " Dealing with hostages and missing people . That was your deal after the war , Harry got it for you . It makes you handy right about now . " " They 'll kill you , " Draco said softly , understand now . He nodded slowly . " I 'll lead it myself . Oh , " he continued , turning around and handing Theo a piece of square - shaped parchment . " I 've just been given this ; Blaise is missing . I thought you should know , since you 've been trying to contact him . " With Draco 's team prepared to deal with getting Hugo and Theo out safely and Harry 's team prepared to deal with La Oscurità themselves , they had nothing to do but wait until morning . Theo let Hermione take him to Harry 's place ; Ginny had kindly picked Alexei up from school and he was ready to take him home and keep him in his sights the whole night . But as soon as he saw the little boy 's sleeping face , surrounded by cushions , Harry 's children and niece on the living room floor , he couldn 't bring himself to wake him . Instead he sat on his friends ' couch , watched him sleep and prayed he 'd get out alive . " They were making dens , " Ginny whispered , moving Lily 's hair from her eyes . She stopped in front of Theo , knelt down gently . " Harry told me everything . I 'm so sorry they 're putting you through this . " " You are not going anywhere , " his friend answered forcefully . " The kids are staying in their den , Harry has promised to stay with them and Ron has gone home for his things . Given how exhausted he is , he 'll probably crash there , or here with Harry if he makes it back . Hermione will have Lily 's room , which means you can stay in James ' . " " I 'll take him , " Hermione said softly , kissing Ginny quickly on the cheek . " I 'm going to get some sleep anyway , I think we 're all tired . I 'll see you in the morning . " Hermione waited for Theo to kiss his son good night and repeat the words to Harry and Ginny , as well as thanking them for letting him stay , before leading him up the stairs and into James 's room . He grazed his hand along the Quidditch bedsheets and couldn 't help but smile at all the merchandise and Quidditch based toys the obsessed little boy had . He was definitely his father 's son . " It 'll be okay , you know , " she told him after a moments silence . " I trust Harry to deal with the gang and he trusts Draco in getting you and Hugo out safely . Which means I do , too , as strange as that is to say . " Hermione took his hand , not seeming to notice the reaction he got to her holding him ; how warm she was and safe he actually felt , how his dreams came back , telling him this was right and she needed to be here with him . " You 'll be okay . " Acting on impulse , only listening to his dreams , Theo pulled her closer before she could walk away from him and kissed her gently on the lips , waiting for her to respond . When she did , kissing back rather than pushing way liked he 'd thought , he deepened it , moving her back into the door . The soft click told him it was shut properly and he took that as his cue to go further . Hermione let him , allowing herself to be lost in him , to forget about all the bad things that were happening her family , to him . She thought about it all day , every day , and she felt like she was finally snapping . Everything she had running through her head had built up and now that release had come in some way , it was all crumbling down . La Oscurità is my gang , borrowed from my Hugo / Lysander , Worth the Risk . The bad guy in that is William Rayner . Marcus Rayner is William 's father , Daniel is his uncle . : D The morning came too soon . That was Theo 's first thought when he opened his eyes . All too soon he 'd have to get up , say good bye to his son without actually saying good bye and prepare himself for his probable death . All too soon he 'd stare into the eyes of the leader of one of the most feared gangs in London - no , the world ; La Oscurità were everywhere , in every major city at least , London was just their home base . But for now he was content to lie in the small , single bed , with his arms wrapped around Hermione 's beautiful body . His fingers grazed along her back , loving how soft her skin was , reminding himself of how she 'd felt underneath him . He moved his finger up and down softly until she started to wake up ; he felt her hand move up from his hip to his chest , tapping the place over his heart before leaving a chaste kiss there . Theo wanted to tell her to stay here with him . Then he wanted to tell her to get dressed and sneak away back to his place with him , so they could stay in bed all day without being disturbed . But he wouldn 't ; he refused to let the thoughts linger a moment longer than they should have , let alone speak them out loud . And she wouldn 't follow through with it either ; they had to get up . He had to rescue Hugo . " In a moment , " he finished , moving down to kiss her chest , then her neck , before finally finding her lips one last time . Theo pulled away reluctantly and rested his forehead against her 's , looking into her soft , brown eyes . " The circumstances are horrible , but I 'm glad I met you again . " The did so in silence , stealing glances and brief smiles the whole time ; it was enough , given what was about to happen , to tell Theo that he 'd done the right thing . Today was going to bring great loss to a group of people Theo felt he was just getting to truly know , a loss which wasn 't supposed to happen at all , but his loss would be for the right reasons . He wouldn 't spend his last moments regretting his night with Hermione , though part of him wished they 'd been in his own bed and not one covered in Quaffles . It was a welcome surprise when Hermione shared one small kiss with him , then she snuck out of the room . Theo counted to ten and followed , trying to fix his disheveled shirt and hair , only to stop in front of Harry . His friend 's frown seemed to be set on his face and his eyes told him all he needed to know - he knew all about his night with Hermione . And he wasn 't pleased . No one knew that anything was wrong between them when Theo joined them for breakfast , not even Hermione . They ate breakfast as though it was a completely normal day , not wanting to worry the children . When Harry told them he had to get things ready at work , Theo took that as his cue to leave as well . He called Alexei to him , so they were alone in the hallway , and knelt down so they were eye - level . Theo nodded hesitantly and fixed his son 's collar , just to look somewhere else for a moment . He was afraid if he looked at Alexei , he wouldn 't be able to finish his job , he wouldn 't be able to leave his baby . It didn 't work ; he didn 't want to leave Alexei anyway . " I found him . I have to go get him . " Theo pulled Alexei into a hug , holding him tightly . " You 're going to stay here with Ginny , she 'll take you to Aunt Astoria if I can 't . I love you so much , Lex . " " You 're going to tell me who I can and cannot sleep with now , Harry ? " Theo countered angrily . " You have no right to demand answers from me or even think that you can talk about my love life . " " It 's not your call to make . We 're not children , our decisions are our own , " he replied . " I know where Hugo is and I 'm ready to leave my son and die to get him back , so if I 'm able to find comfort with another person , to have one night that doesn 't involve thinking about death , I think I deserve it . Hugo is coming home today , I 'm not . " He didn 't include his dream , that Hermione wasn 't coming home either , that she deserved that one night as well , but he knew it was time it came up . If anyone needed to know , it had to be Harry . He could tell Harry , he didn 't know Ron well enough to deliver that kind of news . He couldn 't tell the ex of someone he loved that she was going to die . " And while we 're on the subject of Hugo , why don 't you tell me what you wouldn 't yesterday ? " he demanded . " Why have La Oscurità chosen Hugo ? They wanted me , so why not take Alexei ? " " You 're the lead investigator , we 're just helping , telling you what you need to know , " Harry said after a pause . " That 's what they wanted . If they had taken Alexei , you wouldn 't have been in charge of the case , you couldn 't have . It 's all for you , this case . You needed a mostly clear head to find them , no way would you have if they 'd taken your son . " Harry let out a breath , as though it was literally his anger he was releasing . But it didn 't remove any trace of his despair ; his nephew was taken from him and now he was knowingly losing one friend , while unknowingly losing another . It was horrible to watch , but Theo just stood by and waited . " They don 't pick people randomly , " he muttered , a small measure of anger suddenly returning . " They look from a young age , for people with . . . unique abilities or talents , ones that they can use . Hugo is so smart , his mind is better than anyone I 've ever met , even those older than him , and his magical ability just grows . He doesn 't understand half the things we 've caught him reading , but it 's like he just soaks all that information up , like a sponge . He 's brilliant , he will be brilliant , and he 's exactly what La Oscurità are looking for . That 's why they picked him , I 'm sure of it . " It was a while before Harry spoke , but eventually he nodded . " I know . So , now that I 've shared my secret , you need to share yours . " " You and Hermione , " he said . " You 've been acting weird around her from the beginning , too weird . I want to know what 's going on . " Even though he knew he had to talk , even though he 'd decided that now was the time , Theo 's mouth felt dry and he just stood there . It was harder than he expected , even telling a friend , but he 'd never told anyone except Draco and Blaise when they were children . Not even Adam and Hannah knew of his dreams . His father had known , but he 'd figured it out himself . " I 'm looking for her , running so fast that I keep falling , but I get right back up and I find her on the edge of the roof . She calls my name and I go to her , then she falls . " Theo stopped to catch his breath , as though he really were running . It was even harder to talk about the dream than it was telling Harry he had dreams . " I grab her hand and try to pull her up , but I can 't and we both know it . So , she tells me that she loves me , I say it back and she slips . I wake up screaming every time . " He turned to Harry suddenly , looked him in the eye as he finished . " I think it 's today . I know it 's today . I can 't stop it , Harry . She 's going to die and I don 't know what to do . " " It 'll be alright , " Harry promised , not knowing what else to say . " I 'm good at impossible situations , remember ? You and Blaise joke about it enough . " " Because I 'm not , " he answered quietly . " Seers are all knowing , they can look into the past , present and future when they want and they 're very powerful - when they practice anyway . I just have dreams . I 've never had a vision any other way . It 's why I ran away , you know ? That day I met Adam . My father kept trying to get me to See Voldemort coming back , but I couldn 't . I didn 't want to help him . I didn 't want to be a Death Eater . I didn 't , I don 't , want to die . " " Yeah , well , I 've got Draco ready to fix that , too , " Harry said . " You 're going to be fine , so will Hermione . And when we 've got Hugo out and everyone safe , then we 'll talk about you sleeping with my best friend . I recommend that you hide from Ginny for a while ; she 's going to be so excited . " He nodded hesitantly . " I go in and confront Danny Rayner , providing a distraction while you lot come in . You get Hugo , Atkins gets La Oscurità , I try not to die in the process and we all live happily ever after . " He turned to Draco . " Did I forget anything ? " " Are you kidding ? Astoria would have killed me , " he played along , though he thought it might be true if he hadn 't made the woman her nephew 's guardian . " Ginny understands that . " " Well , he hasn 't told her yet , " Harry cut in . " But I think she 'd be okay . Come on , Theo , before Ron pushes you inside . " The serious tone fell over them , like a thick blanket ready to suffocate them all , and it took a slight push and sheer willpower to force himself to move forward . But once he told himself it was all to save a little boy , that he was finally the hero he wanted to be when he was seven , it was easy . He opened the door , letting it squeak and bang closed ; they were waiting for him after all . Once inside , he followed his instincts , a feeling he know thought had something to do with his ability . He just felt like he knew the way , since he 'd never actually dreamt of this . " How sweet , " came a new voice . Danny Rayner stepped into the storage room , circling Theo before stopping in front of him . " Hello , Nott . Remember me ? " Theo did , he 'd seen him every day in the court room during Marcus Rayner 's trail . But he shook his head , acting cooler than he felt . " Nope , sorry . Remember your brother , though . Is he enjoying his cell ? I haven 't had a chance to visit yet . " " I 'm going to enjoy this , Nott , " Danny promised . " I 'm going to make your last day on this Earth hell . Starting with your new girlfriend . " That got Theo 's attention , as well as Blaise 's . Danny snapped his fingers and one of his men , not the guy with the broken nose this time , dragged in Hermione . He knew she was scared and confused , but she hid it well , kicking and screaming until she saw her son . " No , " he said . " Besides I like her , she has spirit . " Danny pulled Hermione roughly to him and stood behind her , his breath on her neck . She tried to get away , revulsion clear on her face . " Should we tell her , Theo ? About your dreams ? I 've been watching you for a while , both of you , and I know all about them . Mostly anyway ; I know you dream about her , I just don 't know what they 're about . " " Theo 's a low - level Seer , " Danny answered her when Theo didn 't . " He only has dreams , he doesn 't practice . He doesn 't open up his mind to more . He could have been a good ally until he locked up my brother . " " He deserved it , " Theo spat . " It 's true . I have dreams . I 've dreamt about you , Hermione . For a while now . " He didn 't answer , he shook his head and glanced at Hugo . Hermione understood , but Danny wanted him to talk . The curse came out of no where ; Theo fell to his knees , he bit his lip because he refused to cry out . Blaise held Hugo tighter when he squirmed , trying to get free , and whispered reassuring things to him . " That was his ' evidence ' , you know , ? " Danny continued bitterly . " That 's how he locked up my brother ; he Saw it . He Saw the evidence and he took the police to it . That 's it ; no fancy detective work , just a couple of dreams . " " Family is family , " was all he said , his wand pointed at Theo again . Then he moved it to Hermione 's neck . " He loves you , you know . Or he could have anyway . " It was all his friend needed to move into action , picking Hugo up and carrying him out of the room . From the corner of his eye , he saw Draco 's team . Hugo was safe now ; he had to get Hermione . He scanned the room for Danny to find him gone , Hermione as well . He knew the way . It played out exactly as he remembered it ; he fell to his knees on the stairs , he found the door to the roof of the warehouse and he moved to Hermione . She fell as he got there and he grabbed her arms . " Don 't let me go , " Hermione said . But she wasn 't an idiot ; he 'd told her he dreamt of her dying , she knew this was it . " I love you , Theo . " She fell and he screamed ; the dream played out exactly . But he 'd never Seen what had happened after she had fallen , he 'd never looked over the edge of the roof . And he wished he had ; Hermione seemed to fall in slow motion and he recognized the spell as the one Dumbledore had used to save Harry during a Quidditch game in third year . Arms stretched out through a window he 'd seen on the ground and caught her . " Thank you , " Theo whispered gratefully . He 'd never seen the end the dream , he felt like he 'd missed the happy ending at the end of a movie . He stepped out to move to her . . . And stopped . The gun shot scared everyone , people screamed and ducked . Theo stared in silence , his eyes on Danny Rayner , then he looked down at his side . Harry and Blaise got to Theo first , hands on the bloody wound seeping through their fingers . The healer Draco had called that morning to check out Hugo and Blaise came next , quickly working on the wound . They managed to slow the bleeding , but the healer couldn 't heal the wound until the got the bullet out ; he had to go to St . Mungo 's . " You 're lucky , Mr . Nott , " she told him . " It just missed your major organs . The quicker we get you to the hospital , the quicker we can help . But you should be fine . " " Keep looking for him , " Harry ordered . " Get the Hit Wizards out , get everyone you can and find him . After everything he 's done recently , I want him behind bars . " He woke up groggy , sore and in a bed that he was sure was not his own , but he didn 't focus on that . He woke up ; waking up meant not dying and that was all he cared about . Danny Rayner had missed , Harry had caught Hermione , Hugo was okay ; they were alive and that was all that mattered . He stared up at the plain , white ceiling and let the memories come back , content in just lying there . He didn 't know that he wasn 't alone until someone squeezed his hand . His instincts told him who it was before he turned to face her , that and her perfume , and he wasn 't surprised to find Hermione sitting next to him . By her side , sleeping peacefully in another chair , was Hugo . " He 's outside with Astoria , " Hermione explained briefly . " He 's telling everyone his daddy is a hero . All he really knows about yesterday is that you got hurt getting Hugo , though . " " You 've been asleep for most of yesterday and half of today . It 's almost five pm , " she said . She pushed his hair back with her hand and smiled down at him . " After everything you 've done , you deserved the rest . " He didn 't disagree . Actually , he thought he deserved a holiday . Only he was confused as to what was happening in his personal life - he didn 't know who else was coming with him . " Because I know that I can one day , if anything ever happened between us I 'd love you , " Hermione answered him honestly . He knew what the hidden message was , that she didn 't know what would happen , that it wasn 't exactly how she felt now , but he didn 't care . It could happen ; he could wait . " Why did you say it back ? " Theo nodded . " Just before I took the murder case . It was all connected . My dreams have a way of doing that . I dreamt that you lot would go into hiding long before you knew , I just didn 't know what you were going to be looking for . Don 't tell Harry that . " " It doesn 't work that way , " Theo murmured , feeling sleep creeping back . The healer 's must have given him something strong . " What are you doing during the weekend ? " The next morning , Theo woke up sore but alert ; no more potion ran through his body and kept him drowsy . He was awake and he refused to stay in bed another minute . He had to see his son . His healer wouldn 't let anyone in until he 'd eaten something , though . She even kept watch , so he wouldn 't make himself sick scoffing it down just to get out . She also wouldn 't let him change out of the hospital 's gown and into real clothes , though she did let him change into more comfortable pajama - like bottoms and a t - shirt . He followed her to the ward 's waiting room , stood behind her while she knocked on the door . " I know , apparently I needed it . " Hr carried Alexei to a chair between Astoria and Harry , sitting Alexei on his knee and caught up with what was happening , though they spoke briefly and in a code , so that the children wouldn 't understand - Danny Rayner was still not caught , they had Aurors and Hit Wizards looking for him , his picture and name out to the world , including to the Muggle police , but nothing had come up yet . Hugo told them about the room he 'd been kept in and the clues he 'd left , but not much else ; Rayner hadn 't said anything in front of the boy . The most surprising thing of all was that Hugo didn 't seem as effected by it as they thought he should be ; it was a traumatic experience being kidnapped , Draco had said . But Ron , Hermione and the rest of the Weasley family were so pleased to have him back that they didn 't notice anything off , only Theo , Blaise , Draco and Harry did and they kept it to themselves . The only time Hugo had showed any effect was when he woke up crying during the night ; nightmares were common according to Draco . " Harry has your discharge forms . Hermione didn 't want to leave until she knew you were okay , so Hugo wants you to get your ass out of this room so he can go home because he was discharged yesterday . He may not have said it in those words , I 'm just translating , " Ron said with a small but amused smile . " How did you know ? " Theo asked . " When I was at your house , you looked at me like you were evaluating me . But you didn 't know about my dreams . " " No , " he assured Theo . " I didn 't know about your dreams until Harry told me the other day while you were unconscious . But when your sister goes on about this great guy who would be really good for your ex , you just have to check him out . I like you , " he said after a pause . " I think Ginny might be right and you 're good with kids , so I don 't have to worry about you with mine . You 're okay , it 's okay . " " Hey , Daddy , " Alexei said , holding up his arms to he carried as well . Theo did as he wanted and held him tightly . " Are we going home now ? " Hugo shrugged and Ron carried him to the fireplaces to floo him home . " It was great talking to you , " he called out . He turned to Hermione . " Nice kid . " " I should get back to him , " Hermione said at last , saying good bye . Her smile was a little wider for Theo . " I 'll see you on Saturday . " " That 's why I 'm here , Theo . " Running hand hand through his already messed up hair , Blaise checked the hall to make sure Alexei was in his room and shut the living room door . " They left us in that room , I was with Hugo the whole time until the end , and he just sat there . He freaked them out . There 's something not right about that kid . It 's like he doesn 't notice the bad things that happen . If he were older , I 'd say that he doesn 't care . So I hoped you 'd look into that , because I want to be sure that I 'm not just a bad person who can 't handle kids . I was useless until I broke the guy 's nose and got us out , but even that went wrong . " It was surprisingly easy to get into the hospital 's personnel files . Theo flirted with the receptionist for five minutes before being allowed access into the ward . He suspected she was lonely and he tried not to feel guilty about it , but his mind had a surprising new ability to think about more than one thing at once . He focused on the work problem ; it was okay getting on the ward and even finding the archive room . It was finding the file he wanted that was the problem . Theo went through the room three times before he found the Ws , then shifted through each one till he got to ' Weasley ' . After that finding Hugo 's was a little easier and he found himself reading through the file a few minutes later . Hermione had been right about the medical doctor who 'd examined her son and talked about his eidetic memory and IQ , but she 'd never mentioned the therapists he 'd been sent to . The information was small , not going into detail about the sessions , but the things the notes could mention referenced is ' quiet demeanor ' and ' lack of response ' . He figured out that they 'd recommended more tests and a potential medical diagnosis because there was one scheduled into his notes by a healer on the next page . " Tell me about this , " Theo asked , throwing the duplicate file onto Harry 's desk . He 'd known the man would be there because he 'd heard him tell Hermione about a bit of paperwork he needed to write up . Harry was surprised to see Theo , he could tell . " Because according to Blaise he just sat there , apparently he even freaked the gang out , and he needs to know if Hugo is okay , or if he 's just really bad with kids because he didn 't feel like he was helping until he actually got them out of the room . " Theo leant onto the desk . " Just tell me what 's what , so I can kick the guy out of my house . " " Blaise is bad with kids , he hates kids " Harry said , positive it was true . " But he did nothing wrong with Hugo . I don 't think he has a medical problem , he 's just different . George calls him a brat . Draco calls him an evil genius - yeah . I 've heard that . I have no idea . He 's only six years old , he 's just being different . Who knows what type of person he 'll be when he 's older ? He 's one of life 's great mysteries . " Now , this is a duplicate , right ? " Theo nodded , not exactly sure what he 'd learnt about Hugo , but sure he could satisfy Blaise 's curiosity enough to get him to leave . Harry continued , " Good , because I 'm going to get rid of this , so that no one ever knows that you took something and make me arrest you . Good bye , Theo . " A / N : Oooh , look at that sequel opening . Yeah , because this story is in three parts . True story . I don 't know when book 2 will be up , but I hope it 'll be soon . Till then , I hope you enjoyed this mystery and please let me know what you think . : )

Oh , four - day weekend . . . you make all my dreams come true . Well , except for the part where my husband screams at various football games on TV . And the part where his greatest contribution to our list of household chores is to lift his feet when I come through with the vacuum . But , other than that . . . it 's all good . Our Thanksgiving was basically a repeat of last year . I cooked dinner and then we went to a friend 's house for dessert . I picked out a couple of cookie recipes from a kids ' cookbook and tasked my daughter with the job of making dessert - under careful supervision , of course . In anticipation of indulging in said dessert , I worked out four days in a row , including a yoga class on Thanksgiving morning . It was free if you brought a canned good . At this time of year , I keep extra cans o ' food on hand for just this sort of thing . Food drives galore . Although I don 't actually prepare a turkey ( I bought some roasted turkey breast for my husband from the HoneyBaked Ham place , it still took most of the day to prepare everything and to help the kid make two kinds of cookies ( birds ' nests and dirty snowballs , in case you wondered ) . I made yeast rolls from scratch , roasted a tofurky , and also made mashed potatoes , dressing ( vegetarian , using my mom 's recipe ) , green bean casserole , and a rice casserole . I must confess I did get fairly irritable by mid - day . Because I don 't like to do a lot of cleaning and laundry on the weekend , I try to get everything done on Thursday of each week . So , in addition to cooking all day on Thanksgiving , I also did a bunch of laundry and cleaning . Now , I don 't expect my family to be terribly invested in my interest in having clean bedding and whatnot , but the fact that they were still in their pajamas past noon was slightly annoying . My husband lifting his feet when I came through with the vacuum ( so helpful ! ) gave me thoughts of dipping his pillowcase in mayonnaise and then placing it gingerly back on the bed . Dinner turned out to be pretty darned tasty , if I do say so myself . The yeast rolls were really good . There is always that dicey moment when you don 't know if the dough will rise or not , but it did its thing . I had a nice glass of wine with dinner so that I 'd stop yelling at my family . As soon as we were done , we piled in the car and headed to our friends ' house for dessert . They just remodeled the lower level of their home - it now contains a bar and two flat - screen TVs . I was afraid my husband would try to move in once he spotted the same football game running simultaneously on both screens . Anyway , my kid played with their kids while the adults drank adult beverages and five dogs milled about ( my friend has three dogs and her in - laws were visiting with two more pooches ) . We stayed for a couple of hours and then headed home so that I could sort coupons and work on my strategery for Black Friday . I wasn 't super - enthusiastic aboutBetween nine hours of shopping and an hour of Lab - wrestling , I limped into bed at 9 : 30 and stayed there . Missions accomplished . I got home ( well , to my sister 's house ) from the wedding at 11 - something p . m . , at which time the babysitter went home . I knew that I needed to get my nephew ( the nine - year - old ) out of the house at 7 : 45 a . m . for a robotics competition of some sort . So , I set my phone to wake me up at 7 : 15 . I then took the baby monitor ( for my two - year - old nephew ) downstairs to the room where I was staying . I figured I should probably be aware of it if he woke up during the night . At around midnight , I was all set to go to bed when I received a text from my brother - in - law . " Can someone walk Bess ? " Doh ! I forgot about the dog . See , my dogs maul you as soon as you walk in the front door . It is hard to forget about them . Bessie Mae is a very peculiar but sweet hound dog . She just sits silently in her crate and doesn 't make a peep . Anyway , I went back upstairs , retrieved Bess from her crate , and then walked her for a block or two . I hope that a few night owl neighbors enjoyed that vision of me in my red snowflake pajamas , standing around like a chump while Bessie rolled in the grass . The next morning , my alarm went off as expected and I got my nephew up . There was a brief crisis when he couldn 't find any pants to wear . I felt pretty confident that he should definitely wear pants to his competition . I thought the person picking him up would appear on the porch and then leave , but when I rounded the corner , she was standing in the kitchen with paperwork and a list of stuff that my nephew needed to bring . So , add her to the list of strangers who had seen me in my pajamas ( and no bra ) at that point . My two - year - old nephew , much to my surprise , did not wake up until around 7 : 45 . He must have been exhausted from wreaking havoc at his parents ' wedding the night before . I gave him a fawful ( AKA " waffle " ) and attempted to check my email on my phone . No - go . I quickly realized that he couldn 't be left unattended for even a second . I sent my sister and brother - in - law a text asking if I was being paid time and a half . They did not respond . Hmph . My niece had gotten up briefly to help her brother get ready and then went back to bed . I was on my own . I changed his diaper . He had pooped . Then I gave him a sippy cup filled with watered - down apple juice . However , he kept pulling other sippy cups out of various nooks and crannies around the house . It was like some weird toddler magic trick . I never managed to get one from him before he 'd already taken a sip . Then he found a set of keys . I figured it was harmless to let him play with them . Then he set off the emergency alarm on his dad 's car , which was sitting in the driveway . So , I took the keys . He found another set . I took those . Then he found a bottle of vitamins . The bottle had a childproof cap , so I figured it was safe for him to play with it for a minute or two . Then I heard a sharp " pop ! " as the lid came off . Took those away . Next up : he found a bottle of liquid make - up . No idea where he found it . I took that away , but not before he 'd gotten the lid off and had enhanced his beauty a little . Moments later , I found him crouching behind a table , concentrating mightily . That 's poop number two , if you are keeping track . At around 9 : 00 a . m . , my sister 's sister - in - law ( got all that ? ) stopped by to pick up her daughter , who was upstairs in a bunk bed with my daughter . She had her friend from Australia with her . So , please add two more people to the list of innocent citizens who have seen me in my snowflake pajamas . When they walked through the door , they asked why the rear door of my brother - in - law 's Jeep was wide open . I quickly deduced that this was another side effect of the great key incident . After they left , I continued to wrangle my nephew for another hour or so until finally , I just felt like I could not live for one more moment without a shower . I woke up my niece so that she could supervise her brother 's destruction while I cleaned up my act . Eventually my sister and her husband did indeed come home . I suggested to my brother - in - law that he round up everything in the house that is safe for the toddler to play with and to mark it " toxic . " I mean , seriously , just put a skull and crossbones on every stuffed animal and every kid - safe thing in the whole house . I am convinced that is the only way my nephew will be drawn to them . The rest of the day was pretty quiet . My sister 's sister - in - law returned after taking her friend to the airport . I picked my mom up from the hotel . My baby sister and her son showed up as well . So , we had a house full of people . We spent the rest of the day hanging out and watching some videos from Brian 's funeral . I know that his wife truly has no choice but to keep going , to keep putting one foot in front of the other ( she has two children , after all ) , but I must say that she is handling it with more grace and dignity than I believe I could muster under the same circumstances . Also , she must be very brave because she took four kids to a movie later that evening . The next morning , I got up to find that my brother - in - law was up with the two - year - old . Better him than me . I asked him if he knew where I could find some ibuprofen . I didn 't want him to think I was hung over , so I confessed that I was having menstrual issues ( which was the absolute truth ) . " Now that you 're my brother , we can talk about my period , right ? " The look he gave me left me with the impression that . . . no . It 's okay . My husband and I have been together for 21 1 / 2 years and the topic of menstruation is still decidedly and permanently . . . off the table . After lunch , I packed up our gear and drove to my dad 's house in Maryland . My nine - year - old nephew had stayed home from school so I took him along with us . My daughter and I were spending the next two nights at my dad 's house . Later , I would drive my nephew back home . I 'd made plans to go out that night with an old friend of mine and needed to drive back to Virginia anyway . While my daughter and my nephew were conning my dad and his girlfriend out of ice cream and anything else they could think of , I drove down the street to IKEA . At home , I 'd have to drive to a neighboring state to go to IKEA , so it was kind of exciting to have one within spitting distance . I couldn 't buy much , of course . The airlines tend to frown on the whole bringing - furniture - on - the - plane bit . I did pick up some fun hats for my two youngest nephews . Best ten bucks I 've ever spent . I did go out that evening but didn 't get into too much trouble . We went to a fancy wine bar and then to an Irish pub . I arrived back at my dad 's house at 1 : 15 a . m . MY KID WAS STILL AWAKE . Way to lay down the law , Dad . The next morning , we headed to Baltimore for the day . It was a lot of fun . We went to the science museum there . On the way home , we stopped for dinner at a Mexican restaurant . The mango margarita I drank must have caused my judgement to falter , because right after dinner I bought my daughter an ugly outfit from Justice . She is hoping for some Justice clothes for Christmas , too . I can 't even walk by that store without having a seizure from all the glitter and neon . Maybe her aunties would like to " take one for the team " this year . On Wednesday , my dad drove me and the kid to the nearest Metro stop so that we could head to the airport . The train ride was mostly uneventful except that my daughter refused to sit in an actual seat . Instead , she opted to swing round and round on one of the poles , which conjured up a couple of troubling thoughts involving germs and future occupations and stuff . We arrived back home just after dinnertime on Wednesday evening . By then , I 'd reached maximum mother - daughter time with the kid . I handed her over to her dad . " Congratulations , Mister M ! It 's a girl ! " I can 't begin to tell you how honored I felt to be a bridesmaid in my sister 's wedding . I mean , I had a horrifying blemish on my face and she still let me be a part of the festivities . The day flew by and I 'm struggling a bit to remember details . Saturday afternoon was a complete blur . I was at my sister 's house and there was quite a flurry of activity . The kids were running around like crazy . A make - up artist came and went . My sister had her hair done . I picked up my mom from the hotel where she was staying and brought her back to my sister 's house . Oh , and I also picked up my nine - year - old nephew from a Lego club meeting . We all needed to be at the winery by 4 : 00 p . m . for pre - wedding photos . My sister headed over at 3 : 00 to get her gown on while the rest of the bridal party got ready at her house . The limo that was shuttling us to the winery was a 1964 Rolls Royce , which was very cool . My youngest sister and I got dressed downstairs . The main goal was to keep her two - year - old son from touching us once we were dressed . Toddlers , as you may know , are inherently sticky . Shortly before we left , he found a bright blue marker and used it to give himself some eye shadow . Pretty ! I also helped my daughter get into her flower girl dress . Before we knew it , the limo had arrived and it was time for us to head over to the winery ( just a few miles away ) . My sister , daughter , nephew , and I piled into the back of the vintage vehicle . The driver asked us , " Is this everyone ? " We nodded . We 'd driven about a block when my cell phone rang . It was my brother - in - law ( or at least he would be my brother - in - law in about an hour ) . " Um , would you like to come back for your mother ? " Doh ! We drove back around the block and picked up my mom . We arrived at the winery and promptly marched outside for family photos . It was chilly and a little drizzly , but I 'm sure it could 've been worse . The real fun was when our fancy heels started sinking into the mud . Meanwhile , the bride and groom 's two - year - old son was running around like a madman , refusing to pose for pictures . I sure hope the photographer got some good shots in spite of the chaos ! I have to say that the bride looked absolutely stunning . The ceremony started just after 5 : 00 . It was getting dark , which was a bit worrisome . We lined up at the door inside the winery , as we had been instructed . In the distance , we could see the guests seated in front of the ruins . Frank and I were first . We walked carefully across the grass ( he knew my heels were sinking ) and then paused at the start of the aisle . Once the wedding coordinator gave us the thumbs up , we headed up ( down ? ) the aisle towards the dreaded stairs . I spotted a few familiar faces in the audience , including my Aunt Shirley , who looked amazing after having lost 200 pounds recently . Yowza ! When we got to the steps , I grabbed Frank 's arm , hiked up the bottom of my dress , and hoped for the best . Moments later , all of the bridesmaids and groomsmen were on the stage . Since there was no best man , my niece ( maid of honor ) walked down the aisle by herself . Instead of a bouquet , she held a single yellow rose in honor and memory of the best man , Brian . Then my daughter ( flower girl ) and nephew ( ring bearer ) came down the aisle together . We are talking maximum cuteness here . Finally , we were all assembled on the stage , which was lined with candles . I realized I 'd forgotten to bring a Kleenex . Ack ! We all watched as the Rolls Royce circled the winery and then drove towards us . My sister got out and made her way across the grass . My dad and my stad helped her along ( yes , she had two escorts ) . Once she was on the stage , the ceremony began . The groom 's stepdad served as the officiant . It had gotten dark and he struggled to read the vows . The groom 's mom saved the day and leapt up behind him with a flashlight . As John read the solemn words , the bride and groom 's son climbed up on to the stage and proceeded to run back and forth behind us . The stage area behind us had wooden flooring and I think he liked the noise his dress shoes made as he ran . I struggled not to laugh as I could hear " thumpthumpthumpthump " and then " thumpthumpthumpthump " again as he turned and ran back the other way . Finally , the babysitter managed to tackle him and get him off the stage . My other toddler nephew also caused a minor ruckus during the ceremony but I think this is par for the course when you have two two - year - olds at a wedding . Thank goodness we aren 't Catholic . The ceremony was sweet but brief . I held my breath as the rings were retrieved from the satin pillow - I 'd tied them correctly ! Moments later , we all convened inside the Barrel Room at the winery for cocktails and hors d ' oeuvres . I had to sit down for a few minutes to give my feet a break . At that point I think I was willing to knock my eighty - year - old grandma out of the way to procure a seat . I also think I got winded just watching the babysitter chase the bride and groom 's son . I told my brother - in - law that whatever they were paying that poor girl , it probably wasn 't enough . At around 7 : 00 , we all headed upstairs to the main part of the winery ( which was closed to the public by that time ) . Everything was just beautiful . The lighting was perfect and the tables were decorated beautifully . I think it all turned out just as my sister had hoped - elegant and classy . The photo montage I had created was playing on a couple of big screens . The buffet dinner was excellent . They served a vegetarian lasagna that seriously changed my life . After dinner , the DJ started cranking out music and all the kids headed straight to the photo booth . Of course there was a first dance with the bride and groom . Then they each danced with their moms , too . Eventually , it was time for the official toasts . The groom 's friend Whitey ( no lie - that is what everyone calls him ) gave a toast , standing in for the best man . I must say he did an absolutely perfect job . He first offered a toast in memory of Brian . Brian 's widow was there and I know the whole evening was an emotional challenge for her . I hope she could feel the love that was in that room for her husband . His presence was deeply missed . After that , Whitey went on to offer some light - hearted quips about my sister and her new husband . Then it was time for my niece to give her toast . My niece is fourteen and probably has not had a lot of practice when it comes to wedding toasts . She stood up and sang a Taylor Swift song called The Best Day . I mean to tell you there was not a dry eye in the house . I scooted over to sit closer to my mom so that we could bawl together . When she sang the line " I have an excellent father " she looked right at her newly minted stepdad . I seriously thought my heart might explode . I am SO proud of my beautiful , brave niece . The rest of the evening was filled with dancing and wine and mostly appropriate things going on in the photo booth . It was great to be with family . We all live so far apart and are seldom in one room together . I hope the wedding was everything my sister wanted it to be . I am so very happy for her . Plus , I 'm excited to have such a wonderful brother - in - law . As the reception ended , the bride and groom headed off in a limo ( as my teenaged niece dryly noted : " They are going to a hotel . Whatever . Ew . " ) and I headed back to their house . I was scheduled to babysit their son in the morning . I wasn 't sure I had the stamina after what I 'd seen the babysitter endure during the wedding , but I was determined to keep him alive until his parents got home . My sister and her guy are now officially hitched . Now that I 've got my bridesmaid 's duties all checked off , I am just hanging out and enjoying a couple days of vacation . I 've barely seen my kid . As you 'll recall , the best man died two weeks before the wedding . His daughter is here and she and my kid seem to be getting along famously . They even slept together on the top bunk in my nephew 's room last night . My nephew actually gave up and moved to his sister 's room because the girls would not stop talking . Anyway , A has been so busy hanging out with her new friend and her cousins that I only see her periodically when she needs food . To back up a bit , my daughter and I arrived late Thursday night . My dad and his girlfriend picked us up at the airport and drove us back to their house in Maryland . I went to bed and the kid stayed up and partied with the grown - ups . Typical . On Friday morning , I left the kid with my dad and I drove to my sister 's house ( in Virginia ) . I figured she 'd need help with pre - wedding stuff before the rehearsal dinner . One job I was given was to figure out how to tie the wedding rings onto the ring bearer 's pillow . Needless to say , there are countless YouTube videos that give step - by - step instructions . I did a few test runs and soon felt confident that I had mastered the art of ring - tying . Most of the afternoon was taken up with making lists and figuring out all of the who - needs - to - be - where kind of stuff for the wedding . We had the wedding rehearsal at 5 : 00 . Believe it or not , I somehow failed to realize that the ceremony would be held outside until my dad happened to mention it the day before . The wedding was scheduled to be held at the Winery at Bull Run . More specifically , it was to be held on an area of the winery called The Ruins , which consists of a stone fireplace and a large stage of sorts . The bridal party was instructed to walk out of the winery , across the grass , around a barrel , through the seating area , and up three stone / slate steps to the stage . I was paired with a nice guy named Frank . Frank might actually weigh less than I do . I had some concerns about getting up those steps in my towering heels and the floor - length dress . I wasn 't sure how much I could really lean on Frank , what with him being a stranger and me outweighing him and all . One of the other bridesmaids , my sister 's best friend , was standing behind me during the rehearsal and said that she felt pretty confident that she would be depositing her front teeth on those steps at the ceremony . After the rehearsal , we headed to a nice restaurant for the rehearsal dinner . I have been so careful with my eating in the three months leading up to the wedding . I have clocked a gazillion hours at the gym . So , naturally , I sat there and ate hundreds of thousands of tortilla chips . : : : sigh : : : I am such a loser sometimes . After dinner , I did something I 've never done - I ordered an after dinner drink . I ordered Disaranno Amaretto . That 's right - I get a little crazy when I 'm on vacation . It was definitely a lot different from the cheap amaretto that my husband I mix with orange juice at home . I 'll write about the wedding in another blog entry . I have to go now . My two - year - old nephew has taken off his pants , so I am taking that as a sign that we are about to party . I had an appointment to get my hair cut and highlighted on Monday . I 've never had highlights and I was really looking forward to doing something a little different . My hair is very fine , thin , and fragile , so this was a once - in - a - blue - moon sort of thing for me . I wanted to look cute for the wedding . I asked for red highlights and picked a hair swatch out of a book . The stylist and I agreed that the highlights should be noticeable but not overly chunky . She did her thing and then spun me around so that I could look at myself in the mirror . I could see nothing . Nothing . My hair was exactly the same as when I color it myself with a box from Clairol . I know I shouldn 't make a big deal out of something so minor , but I was just so disappointed . She offered to redo them but by then it was after closing time for the salon . I had stuff going on the next two nights , so there was no way I could come back . My flight leaves on Thursday . I think what bugged me the most was to spend all of that money and to get nothing . The more I thought about it , the more upset I got . I was actually crying by the time I talked to my mom later in the evening . As my sister pointed out , at least nothing BAD happened . I still have some hair , so I guess there 's that . Tonight I went to a local nail salon to get my nails done . Again , another splurge - y sort of thing that I would normally never dream of doing . A friend of mine had suggested gel nails ( vs . acrylic / shellac ) because they don 't damage your natural nail underneath . So , that is what I asked for . The man who greeted me at the front desk spoke little English but I believed we had some sort of understanding as far as what I wanted . A woman led me to a manicure desk and a different man came over and sat down on the other side . I must say he was very efficient . I tried to tell him that my left thumb doesn 't bend but I could tell he didn 't understand what I was saying . I asked , " Will I be able to pick out a color ? " Then , when he was done , he escorted me to the cash register . " Um , can 't I pick out a color ? " I asked again . A woman who seemed to have slightly more English under her belt jogged over and told me , " No color . White tips look very nice . " I am tempted to write this phonetically ( as she pronounced it ) but I don 't want to be accused of being a racist jerk . I am not racist , I promise . I was just a bit frustrated by the communication . I gave up and paid my bill . : : : sigh : : : The best laid plans of mice and men , eh ? I may just paint them on my own . I also feel a blemish forming on my cheek . I swear to you , I will cut off any part of me that has a blemish on Saturday . p . s . I tried on a shirt at TJ Maxx yesterday and for a fleeting second , under the fluorescent lights of the fitting room , I spotted three strands of hair that were vaguely , distantly reddish . So , if you want to see my highlights , you will need to meet me in the fitting room at TJ Maxx . p . p . s . If you send me a text , please give me a week or so to tap out a reply . I was a slow texter before the nails , so . . . A wedding toast ! When the preparations for my sister 's wedding got underway , I was so happy for my sister that I felt like I had some stuff I wanted to tell her . Mushy stuff . I thought maybe I could give a toast at the wedding so I started to write one . Later I learned that tradition dictates that only the maid of honor and best man give toasts at a wedding . I guess I 've been to some non - traditional weddings that didn 't follow etiquette or something . I remember going to the wedding of one one of my husband 's childhood friends several years ago . Abel ( the groom ) stood up and said , " I know that the bride is supposed to be the center of attention , but I need everyone to pay attention to me exclusively . " If you know Abel , this will make sense to you . Anyway , I still have some stuff I want to say to my sister , so I 'll share it here . I 'm going to go ahead and use my brother - in - law 's name because it 's a common one and I don 't think it will give you a way to track us down and murder all of us or anything like that . ________________________________________________________________ A toast to my sister and her husband First , I must tell you that I had some very serious concerns about this marriage . Marrying a Dallas Cowboys fan seems wrong in so many ways . However , instead of stewing over Josh 's heinous shortcoming , I have decided to devote my energies into converting him into a Redskins fan or , better yet , a Packers fan . But , he is my brother - in - law and I love him , so even if he doesn 't convert , I will try to accept him even with his disability . stepfather is not an easy job , but I saw early on that you had the head and the heart to parent and to love L and L without reservation or hesitation . My daughter has already viewed you as her uncle for years . Now it 's just a little more official . Two years ago , you received the opportunity to get in on the ground floor with this parenting stuff . Of course I am referring to the birth of your beautiful son , R . What an amazing gift for you , to be able to see your own brown eyes looking back at you from that adorable little face . I can 't wait to see if he will be analytical like you or passionate like my sister - or maybe some of both . The five of you have formed a truly beautiful , strong family . I am so very happy for all of you . I need you always to remember that my sister is extraordinary . She is an amazing mother , sister , daughter , auntie , and friend . Not only is she physically beautiful , but she has a beautiful heart as well . She is whip - smart and funny and generous and kind . She wears her heart on her sleeve and is not afraid to experience all emotions , deeply . If she is joyful , you will know . If she is angry with you . . . um , you 'll know . What a gift my sister has been to me all these years . I don 't know what I would have done without her . I was an introverted child and she was the extrovert I needed in my life . She asked me not to share any childhood stories at the wedding , so I won 't tell you how she used to sing , " Errybuddy 's got a hungry heart . . . " when she was little . Or about how she is such a heavy sleeper that we used to sing " The Lion Sleeps Tonight " at the top of our lungs while she napped on the couch after school . Or about the times she snuck out of the house as a teenager . She made a rope out of some knee - high pantyhose she 'd gotten for Christmas . She 'd tie the pantyhose around her wrist and then fling the other end out her bedroom window so that her friends could come and tug on it when it was time to go out . She was the wild child to my goody - two - shoes . Although I am the older sibling and perhaps should be the one setting an example of some sort , I find myself in constant admiration of Sometimes I worry that my daughter will think her middle name is Focus . I 'm constantly saying , " A , focus . Just try to focus . " How do you know when your child 's personality quirk is actually a medical issue that needs to be addressed ? This topic has been weighing heavily on me lately . Everyone who meets my daughter finds her to be very charming and engaging . And she is ! I know I 'm biased but she is just downright likable . Everyone at church says , " Oh , she 's such a free spirit ! " She is a free spirit but even free spirits need to get dressed every morning . People have no idea how hard the mornings are at our house . I think they believe I am exaggerating or that I am too hard on her . No one ever says , " I can 't wait to be a mom so that I can yell at a short person all day long . " No one wants to be that kind of parent . And yet , I find myself turning into some crazed harpy every morning . Her dad ends up yelling , too , and he is not a man who would normally raise his voice . I think we 're just at a loss . We 've tried reward programs , taking stuff away , and everything in between . Yesterday , my daughter missed church again . She was up at 7 : 24 and we don 't have to leave until 9 : 40 , so it 's not like she didn 't have enough time to get her act together . Even with 2 + hours to get everything done ( and really , " everything " is a pretty short list : get dressed , make bed , comb hair , and brush teeth ) , she still struggled . As our departure time drew near , I said , " We 're leaving in a few minutes . " I made that statement several times , in fact . She was in the living room , watching TV and drawing in her notebook . Finally , at 9 : 42 , I grabbed her jacket and handed it to her . I grabbed my stuff and walked into the garage . I noticed she wasn 't behind me . I opened the garage door and then started the car . Still no kid . I sat in the car for a couple of minutes , fiddling with my iPod and whatnot . Finally , I decided that she must not be coming . I pulled out and closed the garage door once I was in the driveway . I paused to see if she would run out . Nope . I turned the corner and drove to church . She cried and I asked her to put her dad on the phone . We discussed the situation and agreed that this was one of those " learn your lesson " moments . I felt sad driving to church without her . Church is something we always do together . Sure , I could have gone back in the house to get her before driving away , but I really wanted her to pay attention and figure it out on her own . I mean , we 've been attending the same church since she was one year old and it has started at the same time since it was founded , I think . She knows how to tell time . Also , I might have been tempted to turn back around and pick her up , but I was scheduled to teach religious education and needed to get to church on time . Saturday morning had not been much better . She and I needed to leave the house at 9 : 30 . We were headed to a friend 's house . She had a playdate with my friend 's daughter . Even when she was headed to a fun event , something she very much wanted to do , she still couldn 't get dressed and comb her hair . P tried setting a timer and told the kid that she had x number of minutes to make her bed . No go . Tears were shed . Voices were raised . I said , " Go brush your teeth ! " and she replied , " You 're saying it in a mean voice ! " Sure , I did say it in a stern way . But this was after at least a dozen utterings of " Hey , sweetie , go brush your teeth , okay ? " I send her into the bathroom to brush her teeth and then regularly find her rolling on the floor with the dogs instead . Does she forget what I asked her to do ? Is she being purposely obstinate ? I guess I just don 't know if this stuff is normal or not . When the kid was little , I belonged to a May 2005 birth club board on Babycenter . com . I 'm now connected to a lot of those moms on Facebook . So , these are people who have children the same age as mine - right down to the month . I hear about how these other kids get up when their alarm goes off , they get dressed , pack their own lunch , make their own breakfast , etc . Then after school they do their homework voluntarily , bathe unassisted , and so forth . One of A 's best friends is on meds for ADHD ( or maybe just ADD - I 'm not sure which ) . Her mom is a nurse so she knows what 's she 's doing . If the issue comes down to focus , I don 't think my child has a greater ability to focus than her friend does ( or did , before the meds ) . I guess that is one reason why I 've been thinking about this so much . Am I doing my child a disservice by not having her evaluated ? I don 't want her on medication but if there is an issue that needs to be addressed , I don 't want to fail to help her . I have a conference with her teacher next week . I think I 'm going to ask her how well my daughter is able to focus at school . If she hasn 't seen any issues , I will let it drop for now . But I think I will still wonder . I went shopping with my daughter last weekend . She needed some new boots . Not snow boots , but fashion boots . In the past I have seen some cute boots at Gymboree so I took her in there . They were having a sale and I had a coupon . Woot ! I started poking around and spotted some adorable pants with flowered appliques on them . And , there were brown boots that matched ! " Look at these , baby girl . Aren 't they cute ? " She shrugged . I poked around some more , determined to find some article of clothing on which we could agree . And then , finally , I heard this : Later this month , Sesame Street Live is coming to town . I used to take her every year . Now she is too old . This morning she left the house in skinny jeans , high tops , and a tee shirt with her school logo on it ( they are the wildcats and today is " Wildcat Wednesday " ) . However , she didn 't want the shirt to be too baggy so she grabbed a rubber band , bunched up the bottom of the tee , and rubber - banded it so that it would fit snugly over her tiny little hips . I know she is growing up . I can handle it . . . I think . For some reason the rejection of Gymboree really stings , though . I don 't know if I 'm ready to give up . I mean , what is the alternative ? The clothes at Justice ? My retinas can 't take it ! My heart was so heavy on Friday night , after the news of the best man dying , that I didn 't know what to do with myself . I decided to go to the gym . Did you know that you can have the place to yourself if you go on Friday night ? ' Tis true . Well , there were three other people there . So that makes four of us with no social life , apparently . I 've noticed two young women who come pretty regularly . I think they 've made some sort of pact to get fit together . However , as far as I can tell , they just walk very slowly on the treadmill and run their mouths . They 'll probably quit soon because the gym " did nothing for us ! " But , I shouldn 't judge . I thought I was killing it on the elliptical one day until I happened to glance at the settings on the elliptical next to the one I was on . This woman 's settings were basically double mine - higher incline , higher resistance , etc . She probably thought I was a colossal pussy . Anyway , normally I go to the gym on Saturday mornings but since I got it out of the way on Friday , I went to a craft fair on Saturday morning instead . I took the kid along , but this was probably a mistake . I was looking for Christmas gifts , she was looking at junk for herself . Honestly , I just do not know how to get the whole " Christmas is about giving " lesson into that kid . I bought handmade wooden airplanes for my two youngest nephews . My daughter , unable to stand it , told me how she 'd always longed for a wooden airplane of her own . Really ? At 8 1 / 2 years of age ? She is going to sit on the floor with her wooden airplane and make propeller noises with her mouth ? She already has a room full of toys she is ignoring . The whole outing turned into a " stop - thinking - about - yourself - for - five - seconds " mother - daughter brawl . We also did some shopping on Sunday and she dragged me into Justice . I told her I wasn 't buying anything there ( I had already bought her a Christmas dress and a pair of boots elsewhere ) . I explained that if she would do her chores , she would get an allowance , and then she could buy ugly clothes from Justice . I guess I was just a different type of kid than she is but when I was her age , if you told me that I could dust and get some money , I would have dusted the whole house plus the roof just to get some money . My girl ? She just shrugs . After the craft fair , she and I headed out of town for the weekend . We were volunteering at a pet expo ( held a couple hours from home ) on Sunday so we got a hotel room and decided to make a weekend of it . We met my friend Becky for dinner , which was a lot of fun . And then of course we had to go back to the hotel so that we could go swimming . I know better than to resist when it comes to that girl and a swimming pool . I must say she has gotten to be a good little swimmer . She has been taking swim classes at the Y ( off and on ) since she was a baby . She recently achieved " Minnow " status , which was very exciting . Apparently there is great shame in being a Guppy . Now , I have The pet expo was a lot of fun . I gave A the job of standing in front of our booth and handing out some freebies . She lasted about ten minutes before she quit and ran off to pet dogs . She is obsessed with small dogs so I 'm sure she parked herself at some chihuahua rescue and drove people crazy . I barely saw her for the next two hours . I didn 't give her any money so I figured that would keep her out of trouble . However , she conned my friend Laurie into buying her some nachos . That kid , I tell ya . When we got home , I Skyped with my middle sister for a little while . Needless to say , she is a wreck , her fiance is a wreck , and of course Brian 's widow is beside herself with grief . I cannot conceive of losing my husband or one of my siblings , so my heart just aches for everyone . I gave P specific instructions not to die before I do . Sure , I would get his life insurance money , but I need him around so that I can nag him to turn back clocks and stuff . The wedding will go on as planned next weekend . My daughter and I fly out next Thursday . I know it seems impossible right now , but I am hopeful that by next weekend , the pain of Brian 's death will sting just a little bit less for everyone . I know my sister and her fiance are trying to figure out the best way to remember him at the wedding . He will not be forgotten . Posted by As I was driving home from work yesterday , I got a call from my middle sister . As you know ( because I blather on about it constantly ) , she is getting married in two weeks . She is currently in Puerto Rico on a short vacation with her best friend . I could tell right away that something was wrong . She 'd gotten up in the middle of the night to catch a freakishly early flight , so I also knew that she was probably wrecked from a long day of travel . But I also knew from her voice that it was more than that . A bit earlier , she had initiated a FaceTime chat with her fiance , who was back home taking care of the kids . She could see something in his face but wasn 't sure what . Maybe he was just irritated with her for some reason . She asked him what was going on . He didn 't want to tell her the news he 'd just heard , didn 't want to ruin her trip . She pushed until he finally , reluctantly , agreed to unburden himself : his brother Brian was dead . He 'd been found by his young daughter yesterday afternoon . Brian would have been 42 today . The cause is unknown ( as far as I 'm aware ) . It sounds like the best guess , at this point , is a heart attack . Brian would have been the best man in the wedding . He would have given the toast at the reception . I 'm sure that he and his wife and their children were looking forward to flying up from Florida ( to Virginia ) for the festivities . I think I had met Brian just once , briefly , when we were both at my sister 's house at the same time . He was a nice guy , a good egg . If it was a heart attack , it 's just hard to get one 's mind around it . He was fit , athletic , and not overweight . It is just so hard to comprehend this sort of tragedy , to make any sense of it at all . I 'm sticking with my theory that sometimes really bad things happen for no reason at all . To hell with all of this " everything happens for a reason " garbage . Today I am just sick at heart for my sister and her family and for Brian 's family as well . I feel just awful for my brother - in - law , as he was very close to his brother . The wedding will go on , of course . I didn 't really know Brian , but I have to think he would want it to . That empty chair is going to be tough for everyone , though . I 've been working on a photo montage for the wedding for the past couple of months . It contains several photos of Brian and his family . My thoughts are with all who have heavy hearts today . Posted by

Oh , four - day weekend . . . you make all my dreams come true . Well , except for the part where my husband screams at various football games on TV . And the part where his greatest contribution to our list of household chores is to lift his feet when I come through with the vacuum . But , other than that . . . it 's all good . Our Thanksgiving was basically a repeat of last year . I cooked dinner and then we went to a friend 's house for dessert . I picked out a couple of cookie recipes from a kids ' cookbook and tasked my daughter with the job of making dessert - under careful supervision , of course . In anticipation of indulging in said dessert , I worked out four days in a row , including a yoga class on Thanksgiving morning . It was free if you brought a canned good . At this time of year , I keep extra cans o ' food on hand for just this sort of thing . Food drives galore . Although I don 't actually prepare a turkey ( I bought some roasted turkey breast for my husband from the HoneyBaked Ham place , it still took most of the day to prepare everything and to help the kid make two kinds of cookies ( birds ' nests and dirty snowballs , in case you wondered ) . I made yeast rolls from scratch , roasted a tofurky , and also made mashed potatoes , dressing ( vegetarian , using my mom 's recipe ) , green bean casserole , and a rice casserole . I must confess I did get fairly irritable by mid - day . Because I don 't like to do a lot of cleaning and laundry on the weekend , I try to get everything done on Thursday of each week . So , in addition to cooking all day on Thanksgiving , I also did a bunch of laundry and cleaning . Now , I don 't expect my family to be terribly invested in my interest in having clean bedding and whatnot , but the fact that they were still in their pajamas past noon was slightly annoying . My husband lifting his feet when I came through with the vacuum ( so helpful ! ) gave me thoughts of dipping his pillowcase in mayonnaise and then placing it gingerly back on the bed . Dinner turned out to be pretty darned tasty , if I do say so myself . The yeast rolls were really good . There is always that dicey moment when you don 't know if the dough will rise or not , but it did its thing . I had a nice glass of wine with dinner so that I 'd stop yelling at my family . As soon as we were done , we piled in the car and headed to our friends ' house for dessert . They just remodeled the lower level of their home - it now contains a bar and two flat - screen TVs . I was afraid my husband would try to move in once he spotted the same football game running simultaneously on both screens . Anyway , my kid played with their kids while the adults drank adult beverages and five dogs milled about ( my friend has three dogs and her in - laws were visiting with two more pooches ) . We stayed for a couple of hours and then headed home so that I could sort coupons and work on my strategery for Black Friday . I wasn 't super - enthusiastic aboutBetween nine hours of shopping and an hour of Lab - wrestling , I limped into bed at 9 : 30 and stayed there . Missions accomplished . I got home ( well , to my sister 's house ) from the wedding at 11 - something p . m . , at which time the babysitter went home . I knew that I needed to get my nephew ( the nine - year - old ) out of the house at 7 : 45 a . m . for a robotics competition of some sort . So , I set my phone to wake me up at 7 : 15 . I then took the baby monitor ( for my two - year - old nephew ) downstairs to the room where I was staying . I figured I should probably be aware of it if he woke up during the night . At around midnight , I was all set to go to bed when I received a text from my brother - in - law . " Can someone walk Bess ? " Doh ! I forgot about the dog . See , my dogs maul you as soon as you walk in the front door . It is hard to forget about them . Bessie Mae is a very peculiar but sweet hound dog . She just sits silently in her crate and doesn 't make a peep . Anyway , I went back upstairs , retrieved Bess from her crate , and then walked her for a block or two . I hope that a few night owl neighbors enjoyed that vision of me in my red snowflake pajamas , standing around like a chump while Bessie rolled in the grass . The next morning , my alarm went off as expected and I got my nephew up . There was a brief crisis when he couldn 't find any pants to wear . I felt pretty confident that he should definitely wear pants to his competition . I thought the person picking him up would appear on the porch and then leave , but when I rounded the corner , she was standing in the kitchen with paperwork and a list of stuff that my nephew needed to bring . So , add her to the list of strangers who had seen me in my pajamas ( and no bra ) at that point . My two - year - old nephew , much to my surprise , did not wake up until around 7 : 45 . He must have been exhausted from wreaking havoc at his parents ' wedding the night before . I gave him a fawful ( AKA " waffle " ) and attempted to check my email on my phone . No - go . I quickly realized that he couldn 't be left unattended for even a second . I sent my sister and brother - in - law a text asking if I was being paid time and a half . They did not respond . Hmph . My niece had gotten up briefly to help her brother get ready and then went back to bed . I was on my own . I changed his diaper . He had pooped . Then I gave him a sippy cup filled with watered - down apple juice . However , he kept pulling other sippy cups out of various nooks and crannies around the house . It was like some weird toddler magic trick . I never managed to get one from him before he 'd already taken a sip . Then he found a set of keys . I figured it was harmless to let him play with them . Then he set off the emergency alarm on his dad 's car , which was sitting in the driveway . So , I took the keys . He found another set . I took those . Then he found a bottle of vitamins . The bottle had a childproof cap , so I figured it was safe for him to play with it for a minute or two . Then I heard a sharp " pop ! " as the lid came off . Took those away . Next up : he found a bottle of liquid make - up . No idea where he found it . I took that away , but not before he 'd gotten the lid off and had enhanced his beauty a little . Moments later , I found him crouching behind a table , concentrating mightily . That 's poop number two , if you are keeping track . At around 9 : 00 a . m . , my sister 's sister - in - law ( got all that ? ) stopped by to pick up her daughter , who was upstairs in a bunk bed with my daughter . She had her friend from Australia with her . So , please add two more people to the list of innocent citizens who have seen me in my snowflake pajamas . When they walked through the door , they asked why the rear door of my brother - in - law 's Jeep was wide open . I quickly deduced that this was another side effect of the great key incident . After they left , I continued to wrangle my nephew for another hour or so until finally , I just felt like I could not live for one more moment without a shower . I woke up my niece so that she could supervise her brother 's destruction while I cleaned up my act . Eventually my sister and her husband did indeed come home . I suggested to my brother - in - law that he round up everything in the house that is safe for the toddler to play with and to mark it " toxic . " I mean , seriously , just put a skull and crossbones on every stuffed animal and every kid - safe thing in the whole house . I am convinced that is the only way my nephew will be drawn to them . The rest of the day was pretty quiet . My sister 's sister - in - law returned after taking her friend to the airport . I picked my mom up from the hotel . My baby sister and her son showed up as well . So , we had a house full of people . We spent the rest of the day hanging out and watching some videos from Brian 's funeral . I know that his wife truly has no choice but to keep going , to keep putting one foot in front of the other ( she has two children , after all ) , but I must say that she is handling it with more grace and dignity than I believe I could muster under the same circumstances . Also , she must be very brave because she took four kids to a movie later that evening . The next morning , I got up to find that my brother - in - law was up with the two - year - old . Better him than me . I asked him if he knew where I could find some ibuprofen . I didn 't want him to think I was hung over , so I confessed that I was having menstrual issues ( which was the absolute truth ) . " Now that you 're my brother , we can talk about my period , right ? " The look he gave me left me with the impression that . . . no . It 's okay . My husband and I have been together for 21 1 / 2 years and the topic of menstruation is still decidedly and permanently . . . off the table . After lunch , I packed up our gear and drove to my dad 's house in Maryland . My nine - year - old nephew had stayed home from school so I took him along with us . My daughter and I were spending the next two nights at my dad 's house . Later , I would drive my nephew back home . I 'd made plans to go out that night with an old friend of mine and needed to drive back to Virginia anyway . While my daughter and my nephew were conning my dad and his girlfriend out of ice cream and anything else they could think of , I drove down the street to IKEA . At home , I 'd have to drive to a neighboring state to go to IKEA , so it was kind of exciting to have one within spitting distance . I couldn 't buy much , of course . The airlines tend to frown on the whole bringing - furniture - on - the - plane bit . I did pick up some fun hats for my two youngest nephews . Best ten bucks I 've ever spent . I did go out that evening but didn 't get into too much trouble . We went to a fancy wine bar and then to an Irish pub . I arrived back at my dad 's house at 1 : 15 a . m . MY KID WAS STILL AWAKE . Way to lay down the law , Dad . The next morning , we headed to Baltimore for the day . It was a lot of fun . We went to the science museum there . On the way home , we stopped for dinner at a Mexican restaurant . The mango margarita I drank must have caused my judgement to falter , because right after dinner I bought my daughter an ugly outfit from Justice . She is hoping for some Justice clothes for Christmas , too . I can 't even walk by that store without having a seizure from all the glitter and neon . Maybe her aunties would like to " take one for the team " this year . On Wednesday , my dad drove me and the kid to the nearest Metro stop so that we could head to the airport . The train ride was mostly uneventful except that my daughter refused to sit in an actual seat . Instead , she opted to swing round and round on one of the poles , which conjured up a couple of troubling thoughts involving germs and future occupations and stuff . We arrived back home just after dinnertime on Wednesday evening . By then , I 'd reached maximum mother - daughter time with the kid . I handed her over to her dad . " Congratulations , Mister M ! It 's a girl ! " I can 't begin to tell you how honored I felt to be a bridesmaid in my sister 's wedding . I mean , I had a horrifying blemish on my face and she still let me be a part of the festivities . The day flew by and I 'm struggling a bit to remember details . Saturday afternoon was a complete blur . I was at my sister 's house and there was quite a flurry of activity . The kids were running around like crazy . A make - up artist came and went . My sister had her hair done . I picked up my mom from the hotel where she was staying and brought her back to my sister 's house . Oh , and I also picked up my nine - year - old nephew from a Lego club meeting . We all needed to be at the winery by 4 : 00 p . m . for pre - wedding photos . My sister headed over at 3 : 00 to get her gown on while the rest of the bridal party got ready at her house . The limo that was shuttling us to the winery was a 1964 Rolls Royce , which was very cool . My youngest sister and I got dressed downstairs . The main goal was to keep her two - year - old son from touching us once we were dressed . Toddlers , as you may know , are inherently sticky . Shortly before we left , he found a bright blue marker and used it to give himself some eye shadow . Pretty ! I also helped my daughter get into her flower girl dress . Before we knew it , the limo had arrived and it was time for us to head over to the winery ( just a few miles away ) . My sister , daughter , nephew , and I piled into the back of the vintage vehicle . The driver asked us , " Is this everyone ? " We nodded . We 'd driven about a block when my cell phone rang . It was my brother - in - law ( or at least he would be my brother - in - law in about an hour ) . " Um , would you like to come back for your mother ? " Doh ! We drove back around the block and picked up my mom . We arrived at the winery and promptly marched outside for family photos . It was chilly and a little drizzly , but I 'm sure it could 've been worse . The real fun was when our fancy heels started sinking into the mud . Meanwhile , the bride and groom 's two - year - old son was running around like a madman , refusing to pose for pictures . I sure hope the photographer got some good shots in spite of the chaos ! I have to say that the bride looked absolutely stunning . The ceremony started just after 5 : 00 . It was getting dark , which was a bit worrisome . We lined up at the door inside the winery , as we had been instructed . In the distance , we could see the guests seated in front of the ruins . Frank and I were first . We walked carefully across the grass ( he knew my heels were sinking ) and then paused at the start of the aisle . Once the wedding coordinator gave us the thumbs up , we headed up ( down ? ) the aisle towards the dreaded stairs . I spotted a few familiar faces in the audience , including my Aunt Shirley , who looked amazing after having lost 200 pounds recently . Yowza ! When we got to the steps , I grabbed Frank 's arm , hiked up the bottom of my dress , and hoped for the best . Moments later , all of the bridesmaids and groomsmen were on the stage . Since there was no best man , my niece ( maid of honor ) walked down the aisle by herself . Instead of a bouquet , she held a single yellow rose in honor and memory of the best man , Brian . Then my daughter ( flower girl ) and nephew ( ring bearer ) came down the aisle together . We are talking maximum cuteness here . Finally , we were all assembled on the stage , which was lined with candles . I realized I 'd forgotten to bring a Kleenex . Ack ! We all watched as the Rolls Royce circled the winery and then drove towards us . My sister got out and made her way across the grass . My dad and my stad helped her along ( yes , she had two escorts ) . Once she was on the stage , the ceremony began . The groom 's stepdad served as the officiant . It had gotten dark and he struggled to read the vows . The groom 's mom saved the day and leapt up behind him with a flashlight . As John read the solemn words , the bride and groom 's son climbed up on to the stage and proceeded to run back and forth behind us . The stage area behind us had wooden flooring and I think he liked the noise his dress shoes made as he ran . I struggled not to laugh as I could hear " thumpthumpthumpthump " and then " thumpthumpthumpthump " again as he turned and ran back the other way . Finally , the babysitter managed to tackle him and get him off the stage . My other toddler nephew also caused a minor ruckus during the ceremony but I think this is par for the course when you have two two - year - olds at a wedding . Thank goodness we aren 't Catholic . The ceremony was sweet but brief . I held my breath as the rings were retrieved from the satin pillow - I 'd tied them correctly ! Moments later , we all convened inside the Barrel Room at the winery for cocktails and hors d ' oeuvres . I had to sit down for a few minutes to give my feet a break . At that point I think I was willing to knock my eighty - year - old grandma out of the way to procure a seat . I also think I got winded just watching the babysitter chase the bride and groom 's son . I told my brother - in - law that whatever they were paying that poor girl , it probably wasn 't enough . At around 7 : 00 , we all headed upstairs to the main part of the winery ( which was closed to the public by that time ) . Everything was just beautiful . The lighting was perfect and the tables were decorated beautifully . I think it all turned out just as my sister had hoped - elegant and classy . The photo montage I had created was playing on a couple of big screens . The buffet dinner was excellent . They served a vegetarian lasagna that seriously changed my life . After dinner , the DJ started cranking out music and all the kids headed straight to the photo booth . Of course there was a first dance with the bride and groom . Then they each danced with their moms , too . Eventually , it was time for the official toasts . The groom 's friend Whitey ( no lie - that is what everyone calls him ) gave a toast , standing in for the best man . I must say he did an absolutely perfect job . He first offered a toast in memory of Brian . Brian 's widow was there and I know the whole evening was an emotional challenge for her . I hope she could feel the love that was in that room for her husband . His presence was deeply missed . After that , Whitey went on to offer some light - hearted quips about my sister and her new husband . Then it was time for my niece to give her toast . My niece is fourteen and probably has not had a lot of practice when it comes to wedding toasts . She stood up and sang a Taylor Swift song called The Best Day . I mean to tell you there was not a dry eye in the house . I scooted over to sit closer to my mom so that we could bawl together . When she sang the line " I have an excellent father " she looked right at her newly minted stepdad . I seriously thought my heart might explode . I am SO proud of my beautiful , brave niece . The rest of the evening was filled with dancing and wine and mostly appropriate things going on in the photo booth . It was great to be with family . We all live so far apart and are seldom in one room together . I hope the wedding was everything my sister wanted it to be . I am so very happy for her . Plus , I 'm excited to have such a wonderful brother - in - law . As the reception ended , the bride and groom headed off in a limo ( as my teenaged niece dryly noted : " They are going to a hotel . Whatever . Ew . " ) and I headed back to their house . I was scheduled to babysit their son in the morning . I wasn 't sure I had the stamina after what I 'd seen the babysitter endure during the wedding , but I was determined to keep him alive until his parents got home . My sister and her guy are now officially hitched . Now that I 've got my bridesmaid 's duties all checked off , I am just hanging out and enjoying a couple days of vacation . I 've barely seen my kid . As you 'll recall , the best man died two weeks before the wedding . His daughter is here and she and my kid seem to be getting along famously . They even slept together on the top bunk in my nephew 's room last night . My nephew actually gave up and moved to his sister 's room because the girls would not stop talking . Anyway , A has been so busy hanging out with her new friend and her cousins that I only see her periodically when she needs food . To back up a bit , my daughter and I arrived late Thursday night . My dad and his girlfriend picked us up at the airport and drove us back to their house in Maryland . I went to bed and the kid stayed up and partied with the grown - ups . Typical . On Friday morning , I left the kid with my dad and I drove to my sister 's house ( in Virginia ) . I figured she 'd need help with pre - wedding stuff before the rehearsal dinner . One job I was given was to figure out how to tie the wedding rings onto the ring bearer 's pillow . Needless to say , there are countless YouTube videos that give step - by - step instructions . I did a few test runs and soon felt confident that I had mastered the art of ring - tying . Most of the afternoon was taken up with making lists and figuring out all of the who - needs - to - be - where kind of stuff for the wedding . We had the wedding rehearsal at 5 : 00 . Believe it or not , I somehow failed to realize that the ceremony would be held outside until my dad happened to mention it the day before . The wedding was scheduled to be held at the Winery at Bull Run . More specifically , it was to be held on an area of the winery called The Ruins , which consists of a stone fireplace and a large stage of sorts . The bridal party was instructed to walk out of the winery , across the grass , around a barrel , through the seating area , and up three stone / slate steps to the stage . I was paired with a nice guy named Frank . Frank might actually weigh less than I do . I had some concerns about getting up those steps in my towering heels and the floor - length dress . I wasn 't sure how much I could really lean on Frank , what with him being a stranger and me outweighing him and all . One of the other bridesmaids , my sister 's best friend , was standing behind me during the rehearsal and said that she felt pretty confident that she would be depositing her front teeth on those steps at the ceremony . After the rehearsal , we headed to a nice restaurant for the rehearsal dinner . I have been so careful with my eating in the three months leading up to the wedding . I have clocked a gazillion hours at the gym . So , naturally , I sat there and ate hundreds of thousands of tortilla chips . : : : sigh : : : I am such a loser sometimes . After dinner , I did something I 've never done - I ordered an after dinner drink . I ordered Disaranno Amaretto . That 's right - I get a little crazy when I 'm on vacation . It was definitely a lot different from the cheap amaretto that my husband I mix with orange juice at home . I 'll write about the wedding in another blog entry . I have to go now . My two - year - old nephew has taken off his pants , so I am taking that as a sign that we are about to party . I had an appointment to get my hair cut and highlighted on Monday . I 've never had highlights and I was really looking forward to doing something a little different . My hair is very fine , thin , and fragile , so this was a once - in - a - blue - moon sort of thing for me . I wanted to look cute for the wedding . I asked for red highlights and picked a hair swatch out of a book . The stylist and I agreed that the highlights should be noticeable but not overly chunky . She did her thing and then spun me around so that I could look at myself in the mirror . I could see nothing . Nothing . My hair was exactly the same as when I color it myself with a box from Clairol . I know I shouldn 't make a big deal out of something so minor , but I was just so disappointed . She offered to redo them but by then it was after closing time for the salon . I had stuff going on the next two nights , so there was no way I could come back . My flight leaves on Thursday . I think what bugged me the most was to spend all of that money and to get nothing . The more I thought about it , the more upset I got . I was actually crying by the time I talked to my mom later in the evening . As my sister pointed out , at least nothing BAD happened . I still have some hair , so I guess there 's that . Tonight I went to a local nail salon to get my nails done . Again , another splurge - y sort of thing that I would normally never dream of doing . A friend of mine had suggested gel nails ( vs . acrylic / shellac ) because they don 't damage your natural nail underneath . So , that is what I asked for . The man who greeted me at the front desk spoke little English but I believed we had some sort of understanding as far as what I wanted . A woman led me to a manicure desk and a different man came over and sat down on the other side . I must say he was very efficient . I tried to tell him that my left thumb doesn 't bend but I could tell he didn 't understand what I was saying . I asked , " Will I be able to pick out a color ? " Then , when he was done , he escorted me to the cash register . " Um , can 't I pick out a color ? " I asked again . A woman who seemed to have slightly more English under her belt jogged over and told me , " No color . White tips look very nice . " I am tempted to write this phonetically ( as she pronounced it ) but I don 't want to be accused of being a racist jerk . I am not racist , I promise . I was just a bit frustrated by the communication . I gave up and paid my bill . : : : sigh : : : The best laid plans of mice and men , eh ? I may just paint them on my own . I also feel a blemish forming on my cheek . I swear to you , I will cut off any part of me that has a blemish on Saturday . p . s . I tried on a shirt at TJ Maxx yesterday and for a fleeting second , under the fluorescent lights of the fitting room , I spotted three strands of hair that were vaguely , distantly reddish . So , if you want to see my highlights , you will need to meet me in the fitting room at TJ Maxx . p . p . s . If you send me a text , please give me a week or so to tap out a reply . I was a slow texter before the nails , so . . . A wedding toast ! When the preparations for my sister 's wedding got underway , I was so happy for my sister that I felt like I had some stuff I wanted to tell her . Mushy stuff . I thought maybe I could give a toast at the wedding so I started to write one . Later I learned that tradition dictates that only the maid of honor and best man give toasts at a wedding . I guess I 've been to some non - traditional weddings that didn 't follow etiquette or something . I remember going to the wedding of one one of my husband 's childhood friends several years ago . Abel ( the groom ) stood up and said , " I know that the bride is supposed to be the center of attention , but I need everyone to pay attention to me exclusively . " If you know Abel , this will make sense to you . Anyway , I still have some stuff I want to say to my sister , so I 'll share it here . I 'm going to go ahead and use my brother - in - law 's name because it 's a common one and I don 't think it will give you a way to track us down and murder all of us or anything like that . ________________________________________________________________ A toast to my sister and her husband First , I must tell you that I had some very serious concerns about this marriage . Marrying a Dallas Cowboys fan seems wrong in so many ways . However , instead of stewing over Josh 's heinous shortcoming , I have decided to devote my energies into converting him into a Redskins fan or , better yet , a Packers fan . But , he is my brother - in - law and I love him , so even if he doesn 't convert , I will try to accept him even with his disability . stepfather is not an easy job , but I saw early on that you had the head and the heart to parent and to love L and L without reservation or hesitation . My daughter has already viewed you as her uncle for years . Now it 's just a little more official . Two years ago , you received the opportunity to get in on the ground floor with this parenting stuff . Of course I am referring to the birth of your beautiful son , R . What an amazing gift for you , to be able to see your own brown eyes looking back at you from that adorable little face . I can 't wait to see if he will be analytical like you or passionate like my sister - or maybe some of both . The five of you have formed a truly beautiful , strong family . I am so very happy for all of you . I need you always to remember that my sister is extraordinary . She is an amazing mother , sister , daughter , auntie , and friend . Not only is she physically beautiful , but she has a beautiful heart as well . She is whip - smart and funny and generous and kind . She wears her heart on her sleeve and is not afraid to experience all emotions , deeply . If she is joyful , you will know . If she is angry with you . . . um , you 'll know . What a gift my sister has been to me all these years . I don 't know what I would have done without her . I was an introverted child and she was the extrovert I needed in my life . She asked me not to share any childhood stories at the wedding , so I won 't tell you how she used to sing , " Errybuddy 's got a hungry heart . . . " when she was little . Or about how she is such a heavy sleeper that we used to sing " The Lion Sleeps Tonight " at the top of our lungs while she napped on the couch after school . Or about the times she snuck out of the house as a teenager . She made a rope out of some knee - high pantyhose she 'd gotten for Christmas . She 'd tie the pantyhose around her wrist and then fling the other end out her bedroom window so that her friends could come and tug on it when it was time to go out . She was the wild child to my goody - two - shoes . Although I am the older sibling and perhaps should be the one setting an example of some sort , I find myself in constant admiration of Sometimes I worry that my daughter will think her middle name is Focus . I 'm constantly saying , " A , focus . Just try to focus . " How do you know when your child 's personality quirk is actually a medical issue that needs to be addressed ? This topic has been weighing heavily on me lately . Everyone who meets my daughter finds her to be very charming and engaging . And she is ! I know I 'm biased but she is just downright likable . Everyone at church says , " Oh , she 's such a free spirit ! " She is a free spirit but even free spirits need to get dressed every morning . People have no idea how hard the mornings are at our house . I think they believe I am exaggerating or that I am too hard on her . No one ever says , " I can 't wait to be a mom so that I can yell at a short person all day long . " No one wants to be that kind of parent . And yet , I find myself turning into some crazed harpy every morning . Her dad ends up yelling , too , and he is not a man who would normally raise his voice . I think we 're just at a loss . We 've tried reward programs , taking stuff away , and everything in between . Yesterday , my daughter missed church again . She was up at 7 : 24 and we don 't have to leave until 9 : 40 , so it 's not like she didn 't have enough time to get her act together . Even with 2 + hours to get everything done ( and really , " everything " is a pretty short list : get dressed , make bed , comb hair , and brush teeth ) , she still struggled . As our departure time drew near , I said , " We 're leaving in a few minutes . " I made that statement several times , in fact . She was in the living room , watching TV and drawing in her notebook . Finally , at 9 : 42 , I grabbed her jacket and handed it to her . I grabbed my stuff and walked into the garage . I noticed she wasn 't behind me . I opened the garage door and then started the car . Still no kid . I sat in the car for a couple of minutes , fiddling with my iPod and whatnot . Finally , I decided that she must not be coming . I pulled out and closed the garage door once I was in the driveway . I paused to see if she would run out . Nope . I turned the corner and drove to church . She cried and I asked her to put her dad on the phone . We discussed the situation and agreed that this was one of those " learn your lesson " moments . I felt sad driving to church without her . Church is something we always do together . Sure , I could have gone back in the house to get her before driving away , but I really wanted her to pay attention and figure it out on her own . I mean , we 've been attending the same church since she was one year old and it has started at the same time since it was founded , I think . She knows how to tell time . Also , I might have been tempted to turn back around and pick her up , but I was scheduled to teach religious education and needed to get to church on time . Saturday morning had not been much better . She and I needed to leave the house at 9 : 30 . We were headed to a friend 's house . She had a playdate with my friend 's daughter . Even when she was headed to a fun event , something she very much wanted to do , she still couldn 't get dressed and comb her hair . P tried setting a timer and told the kid that she had x number of minutes to make her bed . No go . Tears were shed . Voices were raised . I said , " Go brush your teeth ! " and she replied , " You 're saying it in a mean voice ! " Sure , I did say it in a stern way . But this was after at least a dozen utterings of " Hey , sweetie , go brush your teeth , okay ? " I send her into the bathroom to brush her teeth and then regularly find her rolling on the floor with the dogs instead . Does she forget what I asked her to do ? Is she being purposely obstinate ? I guess I just don 't know if this stuff is normal or not . When the kid was little , I belonged to a May 2005 birth club board on Babycenter . com . I 'm now connected to a lot of those moms on Facebook . So , these are people who have children the same age as mine - right down to the month . I hear about how these other kids get up when their alarm goes off , they get dressed , pack their own lunch , make their own breakfast , etc . Then after school they do their homework voluntarily , bathe unassisted , and so forth . One of A 's best friends is on meds for ADHD ( or maybe just ADD - I 'm not sure which ) . Her mom is a nurse so she knows what 's she 's doing . If the issue comes down to focus , I don 't think my child has a greater ability to focus than her friend does ( or did , before the meds ) . I guess that is one reason why I 've been thinking about this so much . Am I doing my child a disservice by not having her evaluated ? I don 't want her on medication but if there is an issue that needs to be addressed , I don 't want to fail to help her . I have a conference with her teacher next week . I think I 'm going to ask her how well my daughter is able to focus at school . If she hasn 't seen any issues , I will let it drop for now . But I think I will still wonder . I went shopping with my daughter last weekend . She needed some new boots . Not snow boots , but fashion boots . In the past I have seen some cute boots at Gymboree so I took her in there . They were having a sale and I had a coupon . Woot ! I started poking around and spotted some adorable pants with flowered appliques on them . And , there were brown boots that matched ! " Look at these , baby girl . Aren 't they cute ? " She shrugged . I poked around some more , determined to find some article of clothing on which we could agree . And then , finally , I heard this : Later this month , Sesame Street Live is coming to town . I used to take her every year . Now she is too old . This morning she left the house in skinny jeans , high tops , and a tee shirt with her school logo on it ( they are the wildcats and today is " Wildcat Wednesday " ) . However , she didn 't want the shirt to be too baggy so she grabbed a rubber band , bunched up the bottom of the tee , and rubber - banded it so that it would fit snugly over her tiny little hips . I know she is growing up . I can handle it . . . I think . For some reason the rejection of Gymboree really stings , though . I don 't know if I 'm ready to give up . I mean , what is the alternative ? The clothes at Justice ? My retinas can 't take it ! My heart was so heavy on Friday night , after the news of the best man dying , that I didn 't know what to do with myself . I decided to go to the gym . Did you know that you can have the place to yourself if you go on Friday night ? ' Tis true . Well , there were three other people there . So that makes four of us with no social life , apparently . I 've noticed two young women who come pretty regularly . I think they 've made some sort of pact to get fit together . However , as far as I can tell , they just walk very slowly on the treadmill and run their mouths . They 'll probably quit soon because the gym " did nothing for us ! " But , I shouldn 't judge . I thought I was killing it on the elliptical one day until I happened to glance at the settings on the elliptical next to the one I was on . This woman 's settings were basically double mine - higher incline , higher resistance , etc . She probably thought I was a colossal pussy . Anyway , normally I go to the gym on Saturday mornings but since I got it out of the way on Friday , I went to a craft fair on Saturday morning instead . I took the kid along , but this was probably a mistake . I was looking for Christmas gifts , she was looking at junk for herself . Honestly , I just do not know how to get the whole " Christmas is about giving " lesson into that kid . I bought handmade wooden airplanes for my two youngest nephews . My daughter , unable to stand it , told me how she 'd always longed for a wooden airplane of her own . Really ? At 8 1 / 2 years of age ? She is going to sit on the floor with her wooden airplane and make propeller noises with her mouth ? She already has a room full of toys she is ignoring . The whole outing turned into a " stop - thinking - about - yourself - for - five - seconds " mother - daughter brawl . We also did some shopping on Sunday and she dragged me into Justice . I told her I wasn 't buying anything there ( I had already bought her a Christmas dress and a pair of boots elsewhere ) . I explained that if she would do her chores , she would get an allowance , and then she could buy ugly clothes from Justice . I guess I was just a different type of kid than she is but when I was her age , if you told me that I could dust and get some money , I would have dusted the whole house plus the roof just to get some money . My girl ? She just shrugs . After the craft fair , she and I headed out of town for the weekend . We were volunteering at a pet expo ( held a couple hours from home ) on Sunday so we got a hotel room and decided to make a weekend of it . We met my friend Becky for dinner , which was a lot of fun . And then of course we had to go back to the hotel so that we could go swimming . I know better than to resist when it comes to that girl and a swimming pool . I must say she has gotten to be a good little swimmer . She has been taking swim classes at the Y ( off and on ) since she was a baby . She recently achieved " Minnow " status , which was very exciting . Apparently there is great shame in being a Guppy . Now , I have The pet expo was a lot of fun . I gave A the job of standing in front of our booth and handing out some freebies . She lasted about ten minutes before she quit and ran off to pet dogs . She is obsessed with small dogs so I 'm sure she parked herself at some chihuahua rescue and drove people crazy . I barely saw her for the next two hours . I didn 't give her any money so I figured that would keep her out of trouble . However , she conned my friend Laurie into buying her some nachos . That kid , I tell ya . When we got home , I Skyped with my middle sister for a little while . Needless to say , she is a wreck , her fiance is a wreck , and of course Brian 's widow is beside herself with grief . I cannot conceive of losing my husband or one of my siblings , so my heart just aches for everyone . I gave P specific instructions not to die before I do . Sure , I would get his life insurance money , but I need him around so that I can nag him to turn back clocks and stuff . The wedding will go on as planned next weekend . My daughter and I fly out next Thursday . I know it seems impossible right now , but I am hopeful that by next weekend , the pain of Brian 's death will sting just a little bit less for everyone . I know my sister and her fiance are trying to figure out the best way to remember him at the wedding . He will not be forgotten . Posted by As I was driving home from work yesterday , I got a call from my middle sister . As you know ( because I blather on about it constantly ) , she is getting married in two weeks . She is currently in Puerto Rico on a short vacation with her best friend . I could tell right away that something was wrong . She 'd gotten up in the middle of the night to catch a freakishly early flight , so I also knew that she was probably wrecked from a long day of travel . But I also knew from her voice that it was more than that . A bit earlier , she had initiated a FaceTime chat with her fiance , who was back home taking care of the kids . She could see something in his face but wasn 't sure what . Maybe he was just irritated with her for some reason . She asked him what was going on . He didn 't want to tell her the news he 'd just heard , didn 't want to ruin her trip . She pushed until he finally , reluctantly , agreed to unburden himself : his brother Brian was dead . He 'd been found by his young daughter yesterday afternoon . Brian would have been 42 today . The cause is unknown ( as far as I 'm aware ) . It sounds like the best guess , at this point , is a heart attack . Brian would have been the best man in the wedding . He would have given the toast at the reception . I 'm sure that he and his wife and their children were looking forward to flying up from Florida ( to Virginia ) for the festivities . I think I had met Brian just once , briefly , when we were both at my sister 's house at the same time . He was a nice guy , a good egg . If it was a heart attack , it 's just hard to get one 's mind around it . He was fit , athletic , and not overweight . It is just so hard to comprehend this sort of tragedy , to make any sense of it at all . I 'm sticking with my theory that sometimes really bad things happen for no reason at all . To hell with all of this " everything happens for a reason " garbage . Today I am just sick at heart for my sister and her family and for Brian 's family as well . I feel just awful for my brother - in - law , as he was very close to his brother . The wedding will go on , of course . I didn 't really know Brian , but I have to think he would want it to . That empty chair is going to be tough for everyone , though . I 've been working on a photo montage for the wedding for the past couple of months . It contains several photos of Brian and his family . My thoughts are with all who have heavy hearts today . Posted by

Aug17 by gweyant : The rain poured down on the county . Cleansing the air of the stench , and the brown haze . A summer thunderstorm the weatherman had said . That was a full week ago . It continued to rain so hard the mountains began to run down in streams of mud . The first hill collapsed after the third week of rain . By the time it did the measurable amount showed twenty inches plus . Truth of the matter it was no longer an issue of actual amounts . The threat became people drowning in mud . Also the threat of bad water and influenza seemed to be the worst of the situation . I grew up at a time when they closed down the orphanage and farmed us out to locals to raise for added income . I got lucky the couple that took me in were good to me . They were old stock . They didn 't care how rotten a child was they loved them any way . Their natural born son was the rotten he died while trying to rob the bank in Charleston , WV . I grew up and became a doctor . The only revenue in this part of the mountains was coal mines , farming , and logging . The county administration held two jobs to support their families . Which is how I ended up in the situation I was in . Today the sun shown for the first time since the rain started . It has the most wonderful warm feel to it . It is even drying the top to the layer of mud that 's everywhere . People are starting to shovel their homes out . Walking to the normal places I go . I can check on people without being obvious about it . I saw Daniel Elkton out helping Mrs . Carrow it was cute . He 's at least seventy - five and she 's ninety if she 's a day . I also spied little Teeney Grossman selling mud pies on the corner of Main and Elm . I brought one for a nickel . " Teeney how did you hurt your hand ? " I noticed she had a band aid on it . " I was checking Arlo 's milk and it was too hot . So I had to let it cool before I fed him cause ( ' cause ' / needs to have apostrophe before word to indicate that mommy and feeding Arlo are not a ' cause . ' But Teeney was giving Arlo his bottle BECAUSE their mother feel asleep after work ) mommy fell asleep after work . Please don 't get cross with Mom Dr . Ella , she is working two jobs . The drugstore and the old truck stop . " Debbie came out the door with a good looking man of about forty . He kissed Debbie . " Doctor Ella , I want you to meet Jack Deacons , my fiancé . " Teeney started jumping up and down " You mean it Jack 's staying for good and be my Daddy ? " She threw her muddy hands and arms around the man 's knees . After congratulating the couple I continue walking . So it 's a given in my rounds that I should check on the Maison family but they must have left at the first day of rain . I couldn 't find them . I did find the body of Mrs . Collette she 'd died in her bed . There are times I hate being the Lake county coroner . The man drifted down from the fog to Mrs . Colette 's cabin . He waited until I had cleared it . Then as the rescue vehicle took the remains to Conners ( One Conner = Conner 's ; more than one Conner = Conners ' ) funeral Home . He stepped up to me , quiet as the shadows that grew long on the wall . His tears in his eyes . " Please tell me ? She was my Aunt . Ina Collette had talked often about her nephew Joshua . The military man that had come back to see about her after a heart attack . When she spoke of him you could tell how proud she was of him . He stood six foot , two hundred pounds . Dark hair and eyes . His arms could have belonged to a lumberjack they made me think of trees . " Miss Ina was eighty plus years old . That is reason enough . Now I don 't want to do an autopsy unless you give me a good reason for it . " Joshua looked at me for a long moment . Then shaking his head as his sighed heavily . " No you are right , I don 't see the sense in putting her though it . " " I will check with Doctor Weston to see if he knows of a reason . But I saw no signs of foul play no trauma , no signs of pain . So based on that … I will declare it natural causes . " I hesitated to answer . Those dark eyes seemed to bore holes into me , they didn 't quite match up with the smile he attempted to give me . " I have been checking on the baby and I haven 't been able to find them . I guess I 'll have to wait again . I don 't have a vehicle to get to the bottoms . " Since being back in the area and setting up my practice as a family doctor and helping the county as coroner I had not had time to see about a four wheel drive that I wanted . " Well doc , come on I 'll take you out there . " The offer surprised me . But I let him take me . That baby needed looking at . I suspected some abuse from the parents , more from stupidity than actual malice . Bouncing along in his truck . Nothing was said we drove down to the Maison bottoms the area stood under water . Nothing new the river was less than a quarter mile away after twenty some inches the river ran over its banks . We could see the small shack that was the Maison 's but no noise came from anywhere . We are talking two adults and four very boisterous children . I spent hours helping a very new mother try to keep her sanity . Three sons and the only daughter in four generations . All four children took after their parents . The boys were strong and sure with dark hair , and Daisy worshiped her big brothers , dark headed , shy bit of a girl of eighteen months old . The boys ranged from ten , seven and five . ( Sentence sounds / seems somewhat awkward mainly when the age range of X number of boys is discussed only the top age and the bottom age are listed e . g . " the boys ranged in age from ten and five . What you are trying to say is that the boys were ages ten , seven and five . Another possibility , your sentence might be perfectly ok dialectally for WV . We got to the cabin and nothing seemed right , no noise of any kind . The dog never looked up . He lay sprawled with huge gash in his side that held a butcher knife . Poor old thing had died instantly . I started up the steps of the cabin when he said , " Hey Doc hold up a minute . " He stood looking at the dog . Shaking his head . " We do not go in without a gun . " " Because this dog has part of a butcher knife in him . I am betting we have something horrible in that shack . " Going to his truck he pulled out a revolver and extra shells . " Let me go first , " he said . Nodding and waiting for him to go in . I couldn 't help feeling a slight panic . What had happened to these people ? I waited as he went through the door . It seemed like forever before he came back out . " You can come in , but it 's not pretty . " Leaning over what I thought were dolls . I realized that it was the entire Maison family laying in a pile like toys that were tossed away . " Josh , if you can get a signal on that phone you better get state police out here . " He had been looking at the walls of the shack . The walls looked as if someone had thrown red paint on them in random spots . No reason or rhyme just a spot here and there , some small and others larger . " What in the all that is Holy could have made these blood splatters ? What could have thrown a full grown , * two hundred and fifty pound man with enough force to leave this kind of splatter ? " His face was pale . He had just given voice to what I was thinking . I watched him go out to use his phone . I looked over the family again . There was trauma to the heads of both Kevin , Molly , the parents of Steven , Richard , Sammy and little Daisy . Steven had head trauma and splintered forearm . Richard again with the fractures of the cranium and limbs along with lacerations of face and arms . Sammy , where was Sammy ? He wasn 't amongst the bodies of his family members . I rechecked he wasn 't there . I hit the door as Josh came up the steps . " Sammy isn 't here . " I sobbed . No logical explanation . Looking up to the heavens I glanced over the top of the shack . It also didn 't make sense , there was three holes in the roof of the little building . How odd they looked . Like gremlins or the devil had burst through those holes but didn 't go through the ceiling of the main room . I pushed my blond hair out of my eyes . I pointed to the roof . " Then how come on the outside the roof is pushed out and it looks like an explosion happened ? Sheriff Whitey Story came sliding into the area in front of the shack . There would have been a ton of dust had it not been for the rains . " Hey doc , got a call from state asking me to come help you . They got a major mess down at the state capital with the president being in town . I got the funeral homes coming to take them bodies to the county morgue for you . " He stared at me as he listened to how we found the bodies . " Sheriff little Sammy is missing his body is not here , and the dog has a butcher knife in it . " I have always prided myself in being able to handle whatever came along . But doing these autopsies were going to kill me . ( Isn 't Ella speaking this paragraph aloud ? It doesn 't really make sense " I was standing over here and I heard something . I pulled the door open in the closet to find a hole in the back of it . I been trying to figure where it went when I thought I heard sobbing . " If you did the boy is more than a thousand feet down at the underground river . I 'll have some of my men make a trip down there but truthfully it 's probably the wind . Haven 't seen any one yet survive a fall onto the rocks down below . " 1 . " them bodies ? " Are we using dialectical prose , a mix of dialects ? So far it has been a word or sentence structure here and dropped word , sound there that points to a non - standard dialect . If you wish to use some dialect to add lyrical interest to the story choose one character such as the sheriff and let him speak in an easily read and understood speech pattern such as ' ain 't gonna be easy , but yur … " " No the coal mine ends about two miles west of here . There 's a big wall of rock that they never blasted through . The opening of the river is another two miles east of here I remember as a teen going to see it . " " Sheriff is there anything down there that could have done this ? And don 't sugar coat it something big has killed a whole family and possibly carried off a young boy . Now what do you know ? " " Ella , for sure I don 't know . I was just starting out on the department when the river was found . Old sheriff Ben Calhoun took a bunch of seasoned officers and went down there and when they came back not one person would talk about what they 'd seen . I have been in there as far as the rock wall but I have never gone any farther so as far as I know no there is nothing that would kill a family like this . " We barely hit the far side of the lane . When a whistling started and a wind began to blow tornado gusts of wind seem to envelope the inside of the shack . As the wind circled faster and faster a red fire , white and blue charges of electricity seemed to come up through the middle of the cyclone the cyclone divided into three and blew three new holes into the roof of the shack . The corpses of the Maison family were flying around the inside of the shack being beaten against walls . The wooden shack caught fire from the combined fire and electricity . It began to burn around the cyclones . It burned inside and out when the cyclones died away there was nothing left . No bodies , no furniture , no walls just a burnt ash . The cyclones dropped back down into the hole in the ground . The whole thing never lasted ten minutes . The strangest part of it . The ground was cool . No heat was left from the fire . The vehicles were unharmed and not a burn spot anywhere . 1 . " the whole thing never lasted ten minutes . Word choice never goes back to question on dialect . Since Doctor Ella is the narrator it is very likely that she would not use " never lasted . " Aug18 by gweyant Staring at the black ash where the cabin had been made me tremble a little . It had looked like something out of a science fiction movie . " Well I best go put a stop to the funeral homes coming out here . There ain 't nothing left to pick up , or scoop up to bury . How do you write something like this up ? " The sheriff threw his hand up and waved as he got into his car and pulled out . We stood there watching as he drove out of sight . Turning to Josh I had only one thing to say , " What in blazes was that ? " Shaking his head he walked back to the now quiet hole in the ground . " And what did he mean by it was the reason the river was closed to the public ? " " I spent close to fifteen years as specialforces and I have never in encountered something like this . I swear it was like a huge battery discharging . " He shook his head , " There are legends about this phenomenon , but no one has ever been able to prove it . " " Is this something that could bring the government in here and have all of us locked away for life ? " I pulled my hair back out of my face . I would have a migraine by the time I let it loose later that night . " If my thinking is right it could . I have a person or two I can talk to . My old commander for one . Come on Doc let 's go eat . I need to think . " 1 . Scenic development - clean up starts after a severe rainfall ; search for survivors ; bodies and indication of extreme violence are found at the Maison residence ; no concrete explanation for the violence , the brutal deaths . Nor was there a concrete explanation for the turbulent winds that later destroyed the house . 2 . Character development - characters introduced as necessary and when necessary , ( character might be mentioned before actual entry into the story line , i . e . the other doctor in the area , a male and older . Development of Ella , Josh , and the state trooper show good beginnings ; the manner in which they are developed gives a feeling of the character 's ( s ' ) importance to the plot line . Your absolutely right on all accounts . But the as far as the unexplained violence the brutal deaths and the winds . That is why the story isn 't finished . They don 't know the answers . They don 't have the answers except one . The winds have obviously caused the deaths , why the winds have come up through the floor . This all build up for more of the story . A very wise writing teacher says to have the story leaving the reader with questions . Josh and I hit the diner for dinner . A small local place that served the best food in town . Designed in the fifties with red and white checked table clothes , cokes and juke box . So retro you could almost see the bobbie soxers , poodle skirts , and t - shirts with the cigs rolled up in the sleeves . Come to think of it that pretty much summed up the clientele of Rennie 's . Poodle skirts had been replaced by jeans for nearly everyone . " Okay I have some questions ? " " Just which sister is your Mom ? Imagene , Margaret , Ida , Lorraine , Roberta , Nelda ? I am excluding Ina since I know she was your aunt . " I leaned back in my seat . It must have shown on my face . I don 't know if he realized by my reaction that I knew . " You are Roberta 's son . " I blurted out . " Yes Roberta or Bobby Sue as my Grandfather called her . She ran off shortly after I was born . " Our food came and I found my appetite had vanished . In fact the food made my stomach queasy . " Ella , do you know something about her ? " 1 . " … diner for dinner " Is it an actual diner or is it a café ? Storyline implies a small town growing smaller because the coal mines have closed down . Farming and mining were the main sources of income for the town with mining being the major source . Close down the mines and the town begins to die as the family farms did not supply enough income to support the town . Café is my preference to diner under the circumstances , but it is your story and therefore your choice . " During the summer , I volunteered at the old mental hospital . My foster parents were happy I wasn 't in trouble like most my classmates . A woman was brought in by her father . He signed her in and insisted that the doctors keep her . " I hesitated to continue because what I knew would hurt him . I didn 't want to do that . I must have been about sixteen at that time . I volunteered all through the year a day or two a week so that I could work with Roberta . She told me her father had kept her son and stuck her in the mental ward so she couldn 't see the child . When I left for college she still resided there . I met Ina after she came in and visited Roberta . I wasn 't allowed in of course , but as I was delivering lunch trays she left the room . I heard the last of the conversation . She said , " He is a grown man and I raised him like I promised so just forget about it . He doesn 't even know who you are . Dad made sure of that . He is in the military and a good man . You just either lay down and die or disappear because he will never know you . " I took lunch to Roberta not long after she left . Roberta looked at me and said , no matter what you do in life don 't trust relatives they will turn on you . She rolled over and until I left for college she barely spoke another word . " It was that summer they found the underground river . A bunch of us kids went down to see it . It was pretty neat there were fish that hadn 't been seen but one other time and that was over in Indiana when they found a underground river . So it was a big deal . They brought in a bunch of scientific people . Mainly Archeologists so they could see how old the river was . Going back I told Roberta all about it . She showed interest for the first time in months . She started going on walks around the grounds with me . The doctor was very pleased . " Going back … " awkward , something missing . Going back to the hospital … After going back … . ? Once I left for school I wrote her once a week . I never heard anything but I hoped it helped her . I got a letter inside another letter . A girl I had worked with caught me up on all the news from around here and she said that Roberta asked me to send you this . The letter was just a few lines it said don 't write anymore . I have it figured out . Everything is fine . Study hard . Love Roberta . " I never heard from her again . Letters from the girl who included the letter to me later wrote saying that Roberta went for a walk and wandered off . She claimed part of the fence was down on the property . She was just gone . " The whole time I knew Roberta she was either so depressed or so angry that she had to be restrained so she didn 't hurt herself or someone else . That 's why I never understood why with me she never showed signs of being depressed or angry . Because they wouldn 't let me take her for walks if she was dangerous . " Josh motioned for the waitress and ordered us dessert and coffee . He didn 't say anything for a long time . " Well what you have told me fits with everything Aunt Ina has told me right down to the fight . I was in the military for fifteen years starting at eighteen . Ina said Granddad found my mom living in a commune of hippies . She said it was a bunch of kids that dabbled in Wiccan . But they sold Mom out for Granddad 's money . " Aug26 by gweyant : I never got to answer the man 's question because Sheriff Whitey Story came in white faced . He sat down beside Josh . Leaning forward he said " Josh , Ella I need help or we are not going to have a town and county left . " His voice his voice cracked as he continued talking . " As I came back to town , I was driving past the cemetery out on the Wilson place . Ronald Wilson was hanging from the big ole oak at the edge of the road . His legs still kicking he had his hands in the noose around his neck . He was fighting with every breath in his body . I jumped out to see if I could help him . I almost got to him . When a woman told me , No you can 't help the devil . I won 't allow it . The next thing I know those crazy winds started again the lightening and the static charge enveloped his body and the fire started I saw it burn the noose but he never fell to the ground . " The waitress came over bringing him coffee . He drank it down before she left with the pot . She poured him a second cup . After she left his color was a litter better he was no longer clammy . ( Clammy is a feeling not a look . ) He continued . " Ronald hung suspended in the air . When those confounded winds started the bottom of the cyclone went up Ronald 's body and wrapped the tail around his neck . It held him there while it twisted his neck . I saw him strangled . That was when the fire and charge started ; he hung inside the fire and burnt to a pile of ash . Before the wind quit the woman 's voice said she would get rid of everyone that kept her from seeing her son . " " Pastie white her hair was wild and dark . Her lips were blood red . She seemed to hover above the ground . She stepped out of the fire when she talked to me and then went back into it raising her arms as she stepped in the fire then she and Ronald were gone . A piece of chard rope was left . When I picked it up it went up in smoke in my hand . " The man was still shaking as he continued , " Mrs . Wilson , stood beside me and crossed herself saying the devil has come to our county . Ronald was a bad man he deserved what happened to him . " She turned and walked back to the house . I find that your main characters are well developed to the point they need to be for each installment . You do not take a character and develop the character the way it would be at the end of the storyline . ( That is a practice used by some , but they make very little impact on the reading public . It is difficult to make the roof before the walls are in place . ) The storyline is tight , at times perhaps a bit too tight . Maybe a little bit more about the rain storm and its effect on the town and the people . Why the town has a doctor and another person serving as the coroner ? Thank you Ellouise for your concise remarks . I love your comments due to the fact I find out where you as a reader think there are problems and I can work on fixing those areas . Very much appreciate you . Aug28 by gweyant : " Okay so where do we start ? " I asked Josh . " If we don 't find her there is no telling what will happen next . Even if she 's a ghost she 'll be at Ina 's funeral . " I watched Jack and Debbie come in with the kids . Teeney was holding on to Jack 's hand . He picked the child up and put her in the booster seat . Teeney had on a birthday hat . I remembered Teeney used to play with Sammy . Jack stood up to talk to me . " Debbie is worried about Teeney . She is telling stories about some pretty outrageous things . Look at the picture she 's coloring . " " Will you do me a favor if you talk to Sammy , tell him to come talk to me . Tell him that we are working to make it stop okay ? " Teeney smiled at me . " Debbie , Jack I can 't tell you right now what 's going on but Teeney isn 't involved as far as we know other than she is a messenger . I don 't believe she 'll be involved otherwise . Happy Birthday Teeney . " Debbie smiled in relief . " Okay I don 't believe Sammy is alive Teeney said specifically he disappeared as if he faded out , maybe an apparition . We need to go talk to Ronald 's wife . We need to know what Ronald 's involvement in this is . Josh planned his Aunt Ina 's funeral for the following Thursday . It dawned a gray muggy day . Very much a typical day for a funeral . As sweet as Ina was very few people showed up to pay their respects . A few ladies from the local homemakers , and church . Not one of the woman 's sisters . Nelda , and Imagene were still in the area . The sheriff , Josh , and I sat waiting for the flames and charges with Roberta to come out of them . She never showed . Someone else did though . About half way through the ceremony a rosebud appeared at the casket . Then a cold draft settled over me . It took a hold of my hand . But a chill that could have been a child 's hand seeking comfort . I didn 't move through the ceremony . Even walking out later I could feel that little cold hand in mine . After I got outside " Sammy is that you ? " There was a gentle squeeze . And before I could ask anything else my purse came open and the chill was gone . I didn 't have time to see what was in my purse . I snapped the purse shut as I heard Josh calling me . " I promise I will check later Sammy . " The latch came open and closed as if he was agreeable to that . It was while I changed after getting home that afternoon . That I checked on the purse . There was a piece of flat bark with what looked like crude markings on it or a childish scrawl . " She is hurting people . She only sees her pain . She feels scared and mad . She sings to her son . Pretty music . I fall asleep listening . " Josh showed up about ten minutes later to take me with him to see Ronald 's wife . Handing the bark to him as he entered . He read it . " Well at least she has her good points . Wonder if we can get her to take care of Sammy then neither one would be alone . " Ronald 's wife lived up to her name . ? ? ? Ada a true southern belle that had been living a hard life . ( What is the verb to the sentence Ada a true southern belle that had been living a hard life . " ? ) She met us at the front door . Her hair pulled back in a tight bun and a weather - beaten face that may have come from too much life . Josh had contacted her earlier with no response . " Well I knew you 'd be by , after Ronald 's death in front of the Sheriff . I should have come to Ina 's funeral today . You 're here to find out why Ronald was on the receiving end of your mother 's wrath . " She stepped into the kitchen and brought was ( Word choice ) a tray of tea and some pictures . " The picture is of my son James . Ronald was his stepfather . My first husband was killed two years after we were married in a moonshine still explosion . You have to understand this was back about nineteen fifty . I had just found out I was pregnant . Ronald knew my family and he owed my Dad some money . Dad told him he 'd let the debt go if he married me . Back in those days Ronald was a decent looking man . He was good to me and treated James like his own . He was strict . " Taking a drink of tea . She looked around her neat but sparsely furnished living room before she continued . " James had learning disabilities . He had trouble making friends . That was why I was so thrilled when he made friends with Roberta . She was a sweet girl . She often would show up and help me in the garden . She began to like James . She helped him learn to read better than I could . Sometime after that they got together . She was about sixteen and James about eighteen . " The kids were sitting on the old wagon . I watched from the window . I had been on the receiving end of Ronald 's wrath . I saw Ronald back hand James . He kept hitting James he couldn 't stop . James fell off the wagon and hit his head on a pile of rocks . Ronald didn 't stop even then , he stomped my son to death . Roberta was screaming and she ran . I guess that 's when she went out of her mind . " We sat there for a long time not saying a word . Josh shook his head . " I never knew who my father was . I don 't know that they knew for sure . She handed Josh a picture of James . He looked like James except he was darker . " You can have that if you want it . I have another . " " The man cheated my son out of life and me from knowing my grandchild . I stayed with him for one reason . I wanted to make his life a living Hell . He never got to touch me again . I shouldn 't say this but I enjoyed watching him burn . Which makes me as bad as him . " Her lips composed a thin line as the tears started to roll down her cheeks . " No Grandmother , it makes you human . " The next couple of days seemed to take forever to pass . Josh had to catch up on his calls . I found out he is the only veterinarian in a twenty mile range . I was a little luckier . Jack Deacons Teeny 's soon to be stepfather was a doctor from down Huntington way . He wanted to work in this area . He and I talked and he decided to come in with me . He had specialized in psychology so it would be a blessing to have him in the area . I was covering for Dr . Weston and he was talking about staying in Missouri . I took dinner over to Josh a couple of days later unannounced . His place was a small shack that from the outside was nothing but barn boards . The dog in the yard growled . He was huge and looked as if he were half bear and half wolf . After swallowing hard I noticed the door opened . " What in the world are you doing here ? " " I brought dinner . Is that a problem ? I heard you were doing pregnancy checks of the Orman 's herd today I thought you might enjoy not having to cook tonight . But if you don 't want fresh green beans , ham and new potatoes . I can take this back with me . " I reached into a plastic bag and tossed the dog a ham knuckle . The he went over and laid down . Licking the bone . " I guess I should have asked first . " He carried the pressure cooker of food into the shack ; bringing up the rear with a basket of bread and other goodies I was surprised on how much bigger the place on the inside actually was . The place had been built in a cavern that the walls were completely smooth from the winds . The original cavern was probably started hundreds of years earlier . The sandstone made with the different layers of sand made for beautiful walls . The front wall covered an opening with a Sandstone wall . ( Did the opening really have a Sandstone wall ? ) You would never know it from the outside . The living room was an area of about 20 by 20 had with a fireplace that had a natural chimney . He had decorated in heavy wooden furniture that had rich chocolate brown microfiber cushions that you could sink into . The couch had a hand knitted ivory colored afghan tossed on it . The main focus of the room was the fireplace and stone hearth . ( How does one decorate in heavy wooden furniture ? He had decorated with heavy wooden furniture I understand . ) The kitchen had all the modern conveniences plus a wall of natural cabinets ; he had taken the crevices made them his pantry . A heavy wooden bar worked for a table and a place people could sit and talk as he worked in the kitchen . The lighting consisted of recessed can lighting . The effect was very pleasing . " I talked to my other aunt 's today . " " You would be right . They were both uncooperative to talk about anything . I 'm not sure what to believe . They were never out and out cruel to me . They both let me know that they wouldn 't care if I dropped off the face of the Earth . I am the one that caused all the problems in the family . " Shaking his head they never said a word about Aunt Ina 's funeral . So I am done with them . " " I am going with you . " I reached out to touch his hand only to be met with anger . " No you 're not . I won 't let you go , it 's too dangerous . " " Well tough I am going . You don 't know where the opening is and I do and I have been thinking about it . I have been down past the wall . It was a long time ago . I can act as your guide . " " Listen Ella , it 's not that I mind you going with me . But if you got hurt . I think it would kill me . I have been too close to people in the military and have lost close friends . I am not willing to let something happen to you . " Somehow I appreciated the thought . But it angered me that he didn 't think I could handle it . " So I am supposed to sit and wait on you to come back like a good girl . Listen to me and listen good , I am going with or without you . Roberta was , a friend of mine . So was little Sammy , if I can help give either of them peace all the better . So get over this he - man crap and deal with it . " I wasn 't expecting his reaction . His hands gripped my shoulders turning me to him . " Don 't you get it , you little fool . I 'm not sure if I could protect you from her . " " Don 't you get it I would rather take the chance of being killed down in that God forsaken hole . Than staying here and not knowing if you 're alive or dead down there . " His lips found mine right after his arms pulled me close . In the corner by the fireplace a small boy sat watching the two of them . They had no idea what they were in for . He stood up and dissolved into nothing . He would try to keep them safe . I am not sure why I showed up three days later with my sleeping bag , clothes , and sturdy boots . I also had the only thing my foster dad had ever given me . A Smith and Wesson . 38 with extra boxes of shells . The 4 : 10 shot gun was a present to myself after I graduated from college and had my masters . I entered West Virginia University School of Medicine on a full scholarship the next semester . My grade point average had never dropped below a 4 . 0 . The shotgun and a shooting range had made sure that happened . I took to target practice every time I got fraustrated . I rode up on old Dan a horse I boarded at Harold Grimes house . Something had told me Josh was going to take off without me . He was saddling his big roan by the name of Hellion when I showed up . He watched me come down the hill in my cowboy hat and boots . He didn 't recognize me . He moved to get his gun as I dismounted . Until Jeb bounced out and tried to knock me down by putting his paws on my shoulders and trying to lick my face . " Two canteens and two extra water bottles just in case . I am not willing to give up my youthful appearance by not being hydrated . I also have dehydrated fruit and cheese and crackers packed in between my shells . " I reached out taking my binoculars to my eyes . " Since I don 't see any pigs flying . I am sure that means not a chance in … . well you get the picture . Now hurry up and let 's go . I am intending to be at the opening by dark . " " No not quite she has decimated both of your aunt 's places . At both times there was blue red and white bolts of lightening . I am sorry Josh . Why would she do that ? That 's your entire family . But she didn 't touch Ina , why ? " " You 're right Ella . Ina raised me just the way she told Roberta she would . By you own omission when there was shouting at the asylum . Ina was honest with my mom . " " The day that Ina and Roberta came to words . Ina told her that Josh was a grown man and Roberta better realize it . Or just roll over and die . " She didn 't pull any punches and she didn 't coddle her . Roberta must have known she was telling her the truth . " I reached out to touch Josh only to have him pull away . " Damn , why didn 't I think of that ? I 'll tell you something Josh . You had better change attitudes or you will drive that woman away . She would be a heck of catch for somebody . I know a couple of men that are looking to lay claim . You best think about that . " Whitey replaced his hat and backed his car back to go the other way . Josh sat on Hellion thinking about everything he 'd just heard . Looking up toward the woman who had been ahead of him . She was already heading down into the bottoms . He saw her stop and look back his direction . Sure wish I could tell her how much she means to me . The big horse shook his head up and down as if he was in agreement . Nov30 by gweyant I waited for Josh at the edge of the opening to the bottoms . Since the rain had stopped . The water was receding . I tried to be understanding toward his brooding silence . The man was starting to tick me off . I 'm not some shrinking flower . Hey I can live with the fact he doesn 't want me . But I would like to think he didn 't hate me . " Screw this he can catch up . " I urged old Dan down into the bottoms . I came back to this area because I loved where I grew up . I still had friends here and I do not have to worry about meeting a office schedule all the time . My daily walks kept me in decent shape for being in my mid thirties I didn 't look to bad . I have been told I could pass for twenty - eight . Stopping at the bottom of the hill to give Dan a rest . I am not willing to worry about a man . Who , what in the world ? I pulled up my binoculars to better see what I was watching . ( " Stopping at the bottom of the hill to give Dan a rest . " is an incomplete sentence . S / B I stopped or Stopping … rest , I decided that I was not willing … ) three people were killed . Those three men were my best friends . They were all orphans . The commander said that the mission was not to go to anyone that had any family of any kind . The testing was done when they went to check men there wasn 't one of them left . Just remenates of broken bones and torn uniforms . Mitch , Dave and Scott were considered experienced and expendable . Because they had no family . " 1 . I use blue for my comments as I can place my comments at any point in the posting or I can comment before or after the posting . The color difference allows you to easily distinguish your words vs mine . 4 . Know that first last and always Gwyn , Death Fire is your story and you can take and apply any and all of my comments or tell me that I am all wet if you so wish . Regardless of what you decide to do about my corrections , comments and suggestions I am looking forward to additional postings about

The school year is well underway and I haven 't done a single post in here since before the summer holidays began . This year is different for me than any previous year . I have only one child home with me every day , and that is Lauren , my only girl . She turned three this summer , and she is amazing . Strong , both in body and spirit , and just a delight to have around . I have told more than one person recently that I feel like a bit of a fraud . Desperate house - mom ? Not so much anymore . Yes , I am still staying home with my kids , but now there 's only one here full time , and it feels so . . . dare I say it . . . easy . That is not to minimize in any way the challenges of being a stay - at - home mom . When I was home with just Cody , it was very hard , but he was much younger ( under one ) , and much higher maintenance . Lauren is independent , and she doesn 't get into trouble the way her brothers used to . People used to tell me , " It will get easier ! " , and it felt like the day would never come , but here I am . I feel strong now , once again , perhaps for the first time in ten years , since before I was pregnant with Cody . Lauren is now okay with a baby sitter , and that has opened a whole new world of opportunities for me . Not that I 'm running all over the place now . In fact , I 'm still home all day , most days . But tomorrow , for example , I have a baby sitter lined up and I 'm going riding . Horseback riding , that is , for anyone who doesn 't know me . Micah is in grade one this year , which means he is in school full time , every day . I worried about this transition for him , but he is handling it better than Jamie did last year . I 'm thankful for that , because he is my most cuddly and clingy kid . And now the hockey season has begun , so we are now in for a whirlwind of a winter . All three of our boys are playing , on three different teams , in two different towns , so we will basically eat , sleep and breathe hockey for the next four or five months . I will be on a team too this year again , so that will be fun . And now it 's ten o ' clock at night and I just realiz1 / 2 cup honey Melt nut butter and honey in a pot , stirring constantly . Add the chocolate chips next if you are using them , to melt them in . Then add the oats , the dried fruit , and the flaxseed . Once it 's all mixed , drop by the spoonful onto a cookie sheet lined with wax paper . It should divide into 12 drops . Then pop the pan into the freezer for about 15 minutes to harden them enough to eat . I keep these frozen in a ziplock bag and they make a great snack mid - morning or mid - afternoon . Filling and satisfying ! Posted by I think it has been long enough now that I can do this post . Radar died on April 18th of this year . It was very hard on all of us , but especially Mike and I . Maybe it seems callous or insensitive , but I started searching for dogs and puppies in rescue online almost right away . It helped me to have something to focus on other than my own sadness . A couple of weeks after he died , we went to the local humane society intending to meet two specific puppies . One was in foster care , so we went to the shelter first . There , we met the female puppy we had been interested in . Only we just didn 't connect with her . She was cute , but really bouncy , and neither of us ( Mike and I , that is ) really wanted her . There were several puppies there , and a couple of them jumped all over the kids the whole time , but there was one we noticed that was a little older , and a lot quieter . Mike and I both got a feeling about him , but I tried to ignore it . He was six months old , and I thought the kids would be more excited about a younger puppy . Besides , we still had to go to the foster home to meet the other puppy we were interested in . So we took an application with us and headed to the foster home . There , we met a truly adorable little puppy . There he is . Seriously , look at that face . He was very cute and was good with the kids . His foster " mom " said he was her favourite puppy she has ever fostered , and she has had a lot . He was already mostly potty trained , even though he was only 12 weeks old . ( He is younger in this picture . ) So the kids fell in love with him . All except for Micah . He wanted the quiet , older puppy from the shelter . So we headed back to the shelter , and I was a basket case . Mike knew what puppy we should get , and it wasn 't this little angel pictured above . Cody , Jamie and Lauren all wanted this one . Micah wanted the other , and I wanted them both . I was tortured . How could we leave this little guy behind when there was absolutely nothing wrong with him ? I didn 't want to admit it to Mike , but I felt the same thing he did about the other one . I knew he was right for us , and I knew God himself was directing us towards him . That may sound dramatic , but sometimes God 's voice is very clear , and this was one of those times . I was sad because I knew this might be the last dog we would ever get , and for sure it would be the last one we would get when our kids were little and lived at home . I wanted them to have a little puppy . I wanted me to have a little puppy . Radar was four months old when we got him , and not at that cute , fuzzy puppy stage . I knew it would be a pain with potty training , but I wanted the cute stage . In the end , we chose the one from the shelter , though several of us still wanted both puppies . Agreeing on a name between six people was a long and drawn out process and it took at least a week . But we settled on Tucker . Here is a picture of our new family member . He was terrified when we got him home , and he bonded with me immediately . It turns out , he 's really scared of men . He wouldn 't let Mike touch him , and it took weeks before he was comfortable with Mike . We were discouraged at first , but eventually it became something of a joke around here . It was like the movie 50 First Dates . Every morning , he would bark and growl when Mike got up , ( and again when Mike got home from work ) and by bedtime , he was friends with him again . Every day , we repeated the same process . We have had him two and a half months now , and he still barks and sometimes growls at Mike when he gets home , but we just laugh at him . We call him Captain Woof , which is the name Cody wanted to give him . Now that he 's here , it 's clear he is the perfect dog for our family . He is great with the kids , and he is super playful . He fetches , which Cody really wanted , and he doesn 't run away , so we can now have him loose on our property with no worries . He is also a water dog , as it turns out , and finds water wherever he can to swim in , or just lay in . Our yard was flooded shortly after we got him , so he had a lot of fun with that . Here 's another picture of our boy . We don 't know what kind of dog he is . Lab for sure , most likely shepherd too , and then . . . ? He has brindle on his face and legs , and his tail curls over his back like a husky , so he could have any number of breeds in him . His fur is extremely soft , and he 's a big cuddle bug . Also a chicken . He is afraid of everything , but we are working with him on that . He also steals food off the counters . . . especially butter . He ate half a pound of butter not long after we got him , which induced a terrible thirst . He woke me up at 4 a . m . in his desperation for water . He has settled in nicely now , and we couldn 't be more happy with him . I have many stories I could tell about him , but this is getting long and I 'm late feeding my crew lunch . Just wanted to give this update , seeing it is way overdue . It 's official . My two oldest boys arrived home an hour ago from their last day of school this year . Of course they are already in party mode , begging for screen time " because it 's the last day of school " . I 'm kind of a mean mom , so I have said no to anything of the sort until all the rooms in this house are cleaned . Don 't worry , I know a lot of the cleaning is my job . I 'm talking about the toys , papers , clothes and random dishes that have been left all over the house . Seriously , I went downstairs to get meat out of the freezer for supper and I was tripping over water bottles and tupperware cups . Yikes . Mike has one more day of work on his countdown , which means I do too , because it means I have a whole day with all four kids at home and no Mike . Again . Hopefully they will be as excited as I am to get this place whipped into shape so we can enjoy our summer holidays . And two seconds ago , Cody said , " I 'm bored , I don 't know what to do . " Guess it 's going to be a long summer ! Today is the last day of classes for all three of my boys . Jamie and Cody will be going on a field trip on Monday , and Micah is completely done after today . There has been a countdown going here for quiet a while . For the boys , and for Mike , it has mainly been about how many days of school are left . My countdown is slightly different , and I suspect many moms may relate to this one . For me , the countdown has been about how many school lunches I had left to pack . I don 't know why , but packing school lunches is one of my worst tasks that I have to do almost daily . Mike has been laughing at me a bit as I have proclaimed daily how many lunches were left to pack this year . This morning , I packed my last three lunches . Yes , my two older boys have school on Monday , but being a field trip , they are going out for pizza and as far as I know , I don 't even have to pack snacks . In fact , I might even get really rebellious and not even send water bottles , as I do every day . Getting kids ready for school each morning is a short , but frenzied affair . For me , it starts at 6 : 50 a . m . , when I not only have to be out of bed myself , but I also have to wake up two or three boys , depending on the day . Winters are the worst , because on top of making sure everybody is awake , fed , has used the bathroom , and making sure all backpacks are packed and ready to go , I also have to get them dressed in their winter gear , which takes extra time . But this would all be much easier if I wasn 't busy packing three different lunches and three bottles of ice water at the same time . The process doesn 't sound that difficult , except inevitably , at least one water bottle is missing , and at least one lunch kit is missing , and sometimes even a backpack is missing . And speaking of packing lunches every day , I found out yesterday that my lunches are something of a running joke at school , at least in Cody 's class . Apparently EVERYBODY knows that I pack the exact same boring lunch for him every single day . Even his teacher knows . Yesterday I threw in a surprise cookie and a surprise bag of chips ; both items that rarely ( or never , in the case of the chips ) make it into their lunch bags . Cody gasped in surprise when he opened his lunch , and jaws were dropping all over the room . His teacher asked him what the deal was . He said to her , " You know how my mom packs the same boring lunch every single day ? " And her response was , " Yes . " Yes . She does know . Everybody knows . Should I cringe in embarrassment ? No . I am a mom . Am I boring ? Maybe . But if boring gets the job done , then I 'm doing my job . Every mom knows , when you find food your kid is willing to eat , you stock up on that food and send it to school every day because that way you know your kid is actually eating , and not just giving their lunch away or throwing it in the garbage . Boring ? Sure . Do I care ? No . I have made it through another school year , this time packing an average of twelve to thirteen lunches a week , and none of my kids starved . And now I 'm done ! For the next ten glorious weeks , I will not pack a single school lunch . My celebration is irrational , of course , because having all four of them home all day every day for ten and a half weeks will be far more difficult , but I 'm not going to let that put a damper on my festive mood . Farewell school lunches . Farewell forty minutes of stress and craziness every weekday morning . Bring on the summer holidays ! Yes , I 'm still here , and still doing desperate house - mom things . I know I have been gone a long time , and I wanted to post in here sooner , but in April , our beloved dog died , and I took an extensive break from writing anything at all . I knew I couldn 't post in here without reporting our loss , and I just didn 't want to cry anymore . Radar was only nine years old , and he was the best dog ever . His death was sudden , and though we knew it was coming , we thought we had at least another year or two . We just weren 't ready to say good - bye . I have many things to report in here . Obviously after a few months off , I have accumulated a few stories . But today , I just wanted to explain about Radar . I 'm not going to give details about his death . I just wanted to post a few pictures and say an official good bye on here . Radar was a Humane Society dog . We went there looking for specific puppies , but when we met him , we kind of fell in love . He was very strange looking , because his ears were gigantic . He was four months old when we brought him home , the same age as Cody was . Here he is below , looking hilarious with his crazy ears . As it turned out , Radar grew into his ears , though some might debate that . To me , he grew into the most beautiful dog , and was the closest thing to a purebred German Shepherd I could have asked for . Obviously he wasn 't purebred , but we never saw anything else in him . I wanted a German Shepherd my whole life , and he was my birthday present from Mike . I remember walking him down our road feeling overwhelmed at how beautiful he was , and how blessed I was to have my dream dog . He was smart , and so gentle . He was amazing with our kids . He never did anything bad . . . or at least , hardly ever . His only real flaw was that he barked a lot . He barked at everything outside . It was annoying at times , but he also kept the yard clear of wildlife . And he was smart about it too . When coyotes howled , he would trot in a large circle around the house , with his hair standing on end , but he never went after them . Often he would carry a stick or some other item in his mouth , as if saying to them , " Look . I have a stick . Don 't mess with me . " We found it hilarious . Mike always did Radar 's voice and talked for him . We laughed a lot . His tail was huge too , and everywhere he went , we would hear the rhythmic sound of it slapping against things . It made us smile every time . I could go on and on . I loved him so much , and even now I 'm tearing up yet again , even though it has been almost ten weeks since he died . I will never forget him , and I will always miss him . We all will . Except for possibly Lauren . She doesn 't really get it . She just asks , " Where 's Radar ? Is he at Jesus ? " and I try not to cry . And I fail . Radar was my first dog . He changed us . Somebody told me pets leave paw prints on our hearts . Radar did just that . Good bye , sweet puppy . I will love you forever . I made it through today . I had two boys in school , and two kids at home . I am definitely sick , though so far it is bearable . Lauren had a relapse today and seems much sicker again . She is crying periodically from her bed now . Just to add to the fun , the cat also seems to be sick , in such a way that she is locked in the bathroom for the night . Maybe this will spare the carpets and the furniture , but she could also howl all night . Lauren is crying even now , but there is nothing I can do for her . It 's a horrible , helpless feeling . I have heard some mothers swear by putting Vick 's Vapo rub on the bottom of their kids ' feet and then putting socks on over them , for the night . They say it works . I have no idea how that 's possible , but hey , what have I got to lose ? Only Lauren wouldn 't let me . The mere suggestion had her in tears and very upset , so I had to leave it . I wonder if her throat hurts , like mine does . Having sick kids is the worst . The good news is , Mike is on his way home . I have been cyber - stalking him for hours now , starting at about 3 p . m . when he was boarding his flight . I watched the airport 's website for updates on departure times , and then switched to his destination airport to stalk the landing . Now that he is safely on the ground , he has been on the road for nearly three hours now . I have been stalking his iPhone . Seriously , Find iPhone might be the greatest app ever . I know I 'm like a psycho wife doing this , but in all fairness , I did warn him to make sure he had his battery fully charged , and I was very up front with my intention to stalk him until he arrived home safely . However , it will be likely over an hour before he gets here yet , maybe even longer . That will be midnight or later , and given my extreme level of fatigue , I am thinking I will sign off for now . I made it through seven days of single motherhood , but wow . I hope I never have to do it again . Goodnight , all . Let me start by saying , winter is not ugly . Not physically , anyway . But yesterday , we got a lot of snow , and a lot of wind , and long story short , I got my wish and we didn 't go to hockey practice . The practice was still on , but it was optional . I probably could have made it there , because I drive a very large truck with four wheel drive ( words I NEVER thought I would ever say ) , but the roads were heavy with snow , and frankly , it just wasn 't worth it . I went to bed last night , half hoping today they would cancel school . This is Manitoba . While we do get some snow days throughout our brutal winters , we also go about our normal lives in some ridiculous conditions . I didn 't think a snow day was realistic . After all , the highways would likely be cleared overnight . As it turned out , the back roads were terrible this morning , and as a result , the buses couldn 't run . In our school division , if the buses don 't run , school is off . Sounds crazy if you live in the city , but out here , most kids come from out of town , so the school would be pretty empty if the buses didn 't come . When the bus driver called me to tell me , my first feeling was great relief . It was 6 : 50 a . m . and I was just preparing to go make breakfasts and lunches for all three boys . Now I didn 't have to . Not only that , but I didn 't have to crack the whip over them to get them all in their winter gear so we could plow through the snow on the driveway to get them to the bus by 7 : 30 . That small 40 minutes of relief wasn 't worth it . This has been the worst of our six days so far , and I am the biggest ogre imaginable . It would probably be best if someone came over with a straight jacket and some sedatives and put me out of my misery . I hope we make it to day seven . Today was a big day . Every minute was scheduled , beginning at 6 : 30 a . m . when my alarm would go off , and not ending until after 10 p . m . I was dreading it , but determined to make it through . The plan was , get the boys up by 6 : 50 a . m . , feed them , get them dressed , make their lunches , pack their bags , fill their water bottles , get them in their winter gear , and walk them to the bus for 7 : 30 . That part of the plan went fairly well . After that , I had a workout scheduled , as well as various essential cleaning jobs , to be followed by an early lunch , and then we were to drive to my sister 's place , about 45 minutes away , to see Maybelline . She 's the horse , for anyone who is new around here . Maybelline was scheduled for a pedicure at 1 p . m . ( She was getting her hooves trimmed . ) We were to return home on time for me to shower , and then feed the kids an early supper and bath them so they 'd be ready for bed when the baby sitters arrived at 6 p . m . Then I was to go back to the same area where my sister lives for bible study . Remember how last night I said Lauren was fussing ? Lauren never fusses . I knew something was wrong , but when I checked on her , her blankets weren 't on her , so I thought maybe she was just cold . At 6 a . m . , she woke up saying she needed to use the bathroom . When I picked her up to put her on the toilet , her body was burning hot . I knew then we were in trouble . Long story short , Lauren is sick , and I had to cancel everything . Maybelline still got her feet done , but I couldn 't be there to help , which left my sister to handle ten horses by herself . She has a one year old and a four year old ( of the human variety ) , so I felt terrible , but I couldn 't drag Lauren out in the cold when she felt so awful . Likewise , I couldn 't leave her with baby sitters , for her sake and theirs . The kids were all mad at me for cancelling the baby sitters . Apparently they are all quite anxious to get rid of me . I really could have used an outing this evening , but at the same time , I think I was in desperate need of rest today . Well , rest I did . I did a workout and got my shower in , but I did very little else . I folded two baskets of laundry , and did dishes , and that 's about it . It was a very lazy day . I did have a startling realization , however . Saturday is Valentine 's Day . I already knew that , but I forgot that means I am supposed to buy valentines for all three boys to give out to every single kid in their classes . I hate Valentine 's Day for that reason . It literally takes hours upon hours to get each valentine written out , but this year , that 's the least of my problems . I haven 't bought any yet . I dug through my leftover supply , and I found 37 , which is pretty decent . But I need around 60 to be safe , so now I have to figure out what to do . I don 't really want to drag a sick kid to the store , especially when I would have to drive a minimum of 20 minutes on the highway to get there . I am thinking of photocopying sheets of the ones I have and using those , but I have been too gutless to give it a try . Tomorrow is the only day I have to do Micah 's , as his party is on Thursday . I have until Friday for the other two . Anyway , I wish I could say my supermom streak was ongoing , but today it ended . My grand plans to have the house in perfect condition when Mike returns have been put on the back burner . Tomorrow is another hockey day , which means craziness until about 8 p . m . Oh how I would love to skip hockey . At any rate , all four kids are now in bed , though two are coughing . Now is my time to relax and breathe a little . I 'm so tired , I might go to bed by 9 p . m . Only four more days until I have backup again . Hurry home , Mike . Today started early , with my alarm going at 6 : 30 a . m . Cody was already up , and the other three were up by 7 . I fed them all and got Jamie and Micah 's hockey equipment ready , and once everyone was dressed and we were packed , we were off to the next town at 8 : 15 for our game , which started at 9 : 30 . Our family has a reputation for always being late , which I hate . This morning , we were the first ones there . We were so early , there weren 't even any lights on in the dressing room . Micah fought me all morning , stating that he hates hockey and that he would not be playing today . I had to come up with an analogy for him on the way there , to inspire him . I told the kids about greyhound races , and how the dogs chase a fake rabbit around a track , ( though I am no expert on that , and maybe it 's different now ) and I compared the puck to the rabbit . Then , in a fit of inspiration , I thought of Nabbit , a character from Super Mario Brothers . If you 're not familiar with the game , Nabbit is a pesky rabbit that steals treasures from one of the little mushroom guys . When Nabbit shows up on a level , your job , as Mario , is to chase him down as fast as you can and catch him . So . Today , I told Micah the puck was Nabbit , and he was Mario . Well , he certainly went after the puck . He even touched it . Once . I doubt I sparked any kind of love for hockey , but at least he tried . We made it through the game , and Jamie even scored his signature hat trick , despite minimal effort for the first two thirds of the game . Even still , the end score was somewhere way over 20 for the other team , and six for us . Ah . Just like every single game we have played this season . After hockey , we came home and I fed them all lunch , and then did as much cleaning as I could cram in before having to leave again to drop Cody off at a birthday party for the afternoon . We had less than an hour and a half back at home again before going back to pick him up . Then I made supper , fed the crew , bathed the crew , cleaned Jamie and Micah 's room with them , cleaned Lauren 's room without her , and tucked all three of them in . Cody was last , but he is easy . Micah 's mitts are notorious for disappearing . We ordered them online in the fall , just before the cold weather hit . They are good mitts . The first time he lost one was a few weeks after we got them . We had gone away for the weekend , and came home seemingly without one of the mitts . Actually , Lauren came home with only one mitt too , and hers were also brand new , good quality mitts . We searched the truck multiple times and came up empty . We contacted the people we were with and nobody had seen the missing mitts . So , a week or so later , we ordered another set for Micah exactly the same . Lauren had another set , so she was okay . A few days after we ordered them , I found both mitts . In the truck . Don 't judge me , they were extremely well - hidden ! ! ! We sent the new set back , so we didn 't have to pay for them , thankfully . But last weekend , we went into the city again and stayed at a hotel . Guess who was missing a mitt when we got home ? Yes , Micah . Same drill . Searched multiple times , and no mitt . I dug out an old ratty pair for him , which he used all last week . But today , when we got home from hockey , I told the kids there would be a special prize for whoever could find the mitt in the truck . I just knew it had to be in there . Sure enough , Cody found it . So , he got chocolate chips . Exciting , right ? And because I suck at giving prizes , I gave them all chocolate chips . But I gave Cody more , so it was still a prize , right ? So here I am , it 's night time , and I 'm trying to be organized and get their stuff ready so we don 't miss the bus in the morning , and now not one , but both of Micah 's mitts are missing . Unbelievable . I checked really well in the house , but I just knew they were in the truck . The same truck that swallows mitts without a trace . Now I had to go outside and find them , because I knew there would never be enough time in the morning to search and still make it to the bus on time . So , I bundled up , because it 's freezing outside ! ( And I live in Manitoba , so please take that quite literally . Okay , okay , it 's not that cold . But - 21 with the wind chill feels too cold to be running out to the truck in the dark . ) That brings me to the other part . Dark . It is very , very dark out there . The moon seems to have disappeared . Or maybe it 's just cloudy . I didn 't take the time to notice . We live far away from civilization , so there are no lights around . When it 's dark out , it 's very , very dark . I turned the outside light on , which lit the deck quite nicely . But once I rounded the corner , it was pitch black . I mean , I couldn 't see anything . I took a tiny LED flashlight with me . Can I just say I watched a news interview the other day with a man who was very recently attacked by a cougar and survived to tell the tale ? Living in the country , surrounded by trees , with no civilization visible or in walking distance has its perks . In truth , I love it . But it took some getting used to . I used to be quite creeped out , not being able to see what was out there . Anything could be watching me from the bushes . For the most part , I have gotten used to it . But sometimes , at night , if I have to be outside by myself ( other than on the deck , which is nice and high up ) , I get scared . Always , it 's the thought of cougars . We have tons of coyotes here , and many times have seen them near the house , but they don 't really scare me . Cougars do . The good news is , I have never heard of a cougar in this area . But there is one within about 20 miles or so , and they do travel a lot . So , sad as it is , this grown woman rounded the corner of the deck into pitch blackness , and felt scared . I turned on my pitiful flashlight and took one step down the staircase into the darkness below , and my flashlight flickered . What the . . . I shook it , and it was bright again . Phew ! Another two steps down , and it flickered right off . A violent thrashing of the flashlight ensued . I smacked that thing until it came back on , and then I hurried to the truck . Fortunately , when I opened the truck door , the interior lights came on . Sure enough , the mitts were sitting on the back seat . I was so thankful they were not well - hidden this time . I grabbed them , not unaware of the vulnerability of my back end , sticking out into the darkness behind me . I got out and slammed the door , my flashlight completely useless . I ran like a crazy person to the stairs and ascended them much faster than I ever have before . I did not stop running when I got up on the deck . All I could think of was that the cougar could be right behind me . I burst in the door , and Cody stared at me . I held up the mitts , huffing and puffing . He commented on them . And then said , " Why were you running ? " What do you tell a child that asks you that ? " Well , I was afraid I would get attacked by a cougar . Now go to bed . Sweet dreams ! " I told him it was super dark out , and I got creeped out so I ran . Nice . I totally didn 't validate his fear of the dark . Nope . Anyway , now I 'm safe in my bed , and the wayward mitts have been found . Everything is ready to go for the morning , so my job is done . Sort of . Lauren keeps fussing , which is a stark reminder that my job is never done . Either way , I 'm soon off to bed . Goodnight . Day two ran fairly smoothly . My only real plans were to clean , and to work out . We had an invitation to go see my sister ride in a horse show in town , but I wasn 't sure we could handle it . And by " we " , I mean " I " . The kids all seemed to be feeling better , though Cody is still coughing a lot . Everyone slept in , at least a little bit , and the moods were improved over yesterday . I decided I was open to the horse show , and I canvassed the crew for opinions . Everyone was all for it . Okay ! Now I had leverage . The deal was , I will clean the hall , both bathrooms , the front entrance , the living room , the kitchen , the laundry room and Lauren 's room . All I required is that Jamie and Micah clean their own room . If they did that , we would go to the show . For once , I was in a win - win situation . I love horses , and I love my sister , but the show was 40 minutes away , and it was snowing outside . I knew if we went , they would likely fight all the way there , and all the way back , and I was already exhausted . But I also knew we would all enjoy the horses , and I wouldn 't have to cook supper , as we would be in town at that time . The boys didn 't clean their room . The whining and outright refusal to lift a finger was nothing short of epic , and I decided very early in the day that the horse show was a definite no . Part way through the day , I had had enough , and I had to stand in their room and ( figuratively ) crack the whip . I had to actually verbally instruct them with each item they needed to pick up off the floor . They just don 't get it . And I confess , I have failed here as a mother , because I can 't stand the battles , so I don 't enforce the cleaning often enough . By the end of the day , the hall was clean , the front entrance was clean , the living room was clean , and the kitchen was improved . I also cleaned the toilet in one bathroom . That was largely inspired by a longstanding tradition in this household . Every time , without fail , that Mike is away overnight , even if it 's only for one night , somebody plugs the toilet . It 's uncanny , so to speak . We have a stupid plunger . It 's not normal . It 's like an accordion thingy , that almost guarantees splashing . I hate plunging toilets , but thanks to my boys and their proficiency at plugging them while Mike is away , I have become adept at it . I fixed it , and cleaned it . I put everyone to bed early , and I even got to shower . Now it 's only 9 : 30 and I feel like it 's one in the morning . I worked hard all day , and tomorrow stars bright and early . We will leave the house by 8 : 15 for the next round of hockey adventures . Last night nobody got up in the night . Here 's praying tonight is the same . Goodnight , all . I 've done temporary bouts of single motherhood before . When I say temporary , I mean a couple of days and nights . A few times , I have been on my own for a week or more , but this is my first time ever alone for seven straight days with all four kids . Here is what I was expecting of day one : Day one is always the best day . I am pumped up , inspired . I can do this ! I 'm the mom ! You get the idea . I do a bunch of inspired cleaning , cook great meals , bedtime is a militant but loving affair . Everything goes smoothly . Today looked nothing like that . All three of my boys have been dealing with sickness this week . Yesterday , the oldest two stayed home from school , sick , and the third had no school , and the fourth doesn 't go to school , so I had all four home yesterday . Well , I could hear Cody coughing all night the night before , and at 5 a . m . he burst into my room and shouted , " I feel barfy ! " That brought on the usual instant dread from me , and I sent him back to bed with a pail . He didn 't throw up , and his stomach was better by morning , but apparently he was awake at 4 a . m . and never slept again . Let me just say , his mood the rest of the day reflected his poor sleep with great accuracy . Jamie was coughing too , and Micah had the fever earlier in the week , but had an ear problem yesterday . So , today was a day off school , and all of my boys were in fantastic moods . Wait , no , that is completely sarcastic . The fighting I witnessed today , both with my eyes and with my ears , was non - stop . Horrible , horrible fighting . I was completely fried within the first hour of the day . Lauren was mostly a delight , as usual , though she had her share of two - year - old meltdowns . In fact , while I did my workout , she literally stood facing me , with her mouth wide open , screaming repeatedly as loud as she could . Why ? Because I offered her a sippy cup of water , and she didn 't want any water . Well . Excuse me ! ! ! ! True to form , I did work extra hard today , and it was a long day indeed . I have been working almost non - stop for the last three days to clean up our horrible basement , and this morning , I finished the job . Wow . It looks amazing down there ! After that , I came up and fed the kids lunch . Then it was time for my workout , which was supposed to be followed by a shower . Except I didn 't get to shower , because after the workout , I had to run outside and uncover the cord that was by the tractor in case I have to plug the tractor in some time this week . Which brings me to a rabbit trail . We have lived here nine years . I don 't know how to run the tractor . So , Mike is gone a whole week , and guess what the forecast looks like ? Snow . Snow , snow , snow . Okay . We live in the boonies here , and our driveway is not a city driveway . It 's long . I can 't shovel it . So if the snow gets deep enough , I 'm trapped here , unless I can wrangle a brother - in - law to come and plough the driveway . At least I drive a big truck with four wheel drive . Hopefully the snow won 't get deep enough to trap the truck in . Anyway , the cord was stuck in the snow , and it took me forever to uncover the part that plugs into the tractor . But I found it , and hung it over the tire , so it 's available if I need it , and it won 't get buried under future snowfalls . While I was outside , I did a super quick shovel job of the back deck staircase , so it wouldn 't get out of hand this week . All in all , I was probably outside for about fifteen minutes . During that time , all " you - know - what " broke loose in the house . Apparently , one of the kids winged a pair of binoculars into the TV and another one was swearing . Swearing . We are a non - swearing household . I could go on and on about this . I was extremely distraught by this point . They also took the liberty of watching TV , which they knew they were not allowed . It was clear I could not leave them unattended for even ten minutes , so my shower was no longer an option . Instead , I baked oatmeal cookies for them , because I had no other snack , and by the time they were ready , it was time for supper . We eat supper at 4 p . m . on Fridays , because otherwise they don 't eat until 8 or 9 p . m . Fridays are hockey nights . I was to be at the rink by 4 : 30 p . m . with all of them , and with three sets of equipment . Jamie and Micah had practice from 5 - 6 p . m . I wasn 't convinced they were even well enough to be on the ice . Micah did snow angels and flopped around like a fish out of water . That is literally what he looked like . By the time they were done , I wanted to go home , but Cody had a game starting at 6 : 30 p . m . The game was fantastic . ( Sarcasm again . ) His team is a young novice team , and as such , they are one of the worst in the league . They get slaughtered almost every single game . Tonight was no exception . The final score was 14 - 5 for the other team . The difference tonight was the classy parents on the other team . ( Oops . Sarcasm again . ) Hockey parents have a choice between sitting inside the warm area , where you can 't cheer loudly for the team , or freezing their hind ends out on the bleachers in the cold part , where you can yell for your team . ( I 'm talking encouraging yells here . ) I always go to the cold part . The hockey moms on our team are loud and fun , and we always make the most noise cheering and laughing , though we are told the kids can barely hear us . Tonight , there were only five of us out there cheering on our kids . The other team had approximately thirty . Maybe twenty . I don 't know . It was a big crowd , but that wasn 't what set them apart . They brought air horns . Air horns . And cow bells . And every time their kids scored , they raised the roof . Well , for the first three or four goals , it was somewhat understandable . But on the fourteenth goal , they were still blowing multiple air horns and jingling those dang cow bells , and our kids were so discouraged . They scared Micah really badly with their noise makers as he was walking by , and then they laughed at him , which brought him to me in tears . ( He is five . ) I was very annoyed by this point . But then Lauren said she needed to go to the bathroom , and as I her walked past them , a dad blew the air horn right when we were right in front of him . There was no goal or related action in the game at that moment . Just an obnoxious man , scaring my two year old . Honestly , maybe I overreacted , but I was so angry . I was only a hair away from climbing the bleachers and telling them that our kids have been slaughtered every single game , and now they were rubbing it in their faces . I started to understand why fights sometimes break out between hockey parents . It 's almost funny , how angry I was . All of us were somewhat disgusted with the other team 's parents . I don 't know . Maybe that 's normal behaviour at a game for kids ages 8 and under . Seems a little over the top to me . If it were a close game , I would understand a little more . We have joked about bringing air horns to our games , but we have never done it . And if we were winning every game by a landslide , I wouldn 't even joke about it . Anyway , when all was said and done , I didn 't get the kids home until 8 : 40 , and they were not all settled in bed until 9 : 15 . I am exhausted , and my throat is scratching from yelling at the top of my lungs through the whole game . I don 't have a loud voice , and I 'm certainly no match for an air horn . Now , I face my first of seven nights without Mike . I am praying nobody is up with nightmares , or loses a soother in the middle of the night , or bursts into my room just before throwing up . Tomorrow is a free day , and I think we all need it . My plan is to get the upstairs as clean as the downstairs . It might take another three days , but it 's a worthy goal . And now I will rest my aching feet , and try not to worry about Mike as he travels . I apologize for the long - winded and very disjointed post . I think I just needed to get that one out . Goodnight everyone . Recently , I told Mike this stay - at - home - mom thing is easy . Feel free to laugh uproariously . Honestly , I don 't know what came over me . I 've done a lot of reflecting back on when my three boys were all so little , and things were insanely hard . All the time . Now , things have eased up . I don 't have a three year old , a two year old and a less than one year old all at once . Comparatively speaking , this does seem easy . Sometimes . I think maybe I feel guilty that it 's not as hard as it used to be . It makes me feel like I 'm not doing anything here at home . Maybe I was delusional because over Christmas I got used to Mike being around to help and I forgot what it 's like when he 's back at work . Whatever the reason for my temporary loss of perspective , rest assured , I have been set straight . Yesterday , when the boys got home from school , Jamie was not himself . He refused to get changed to go to hockey , and even said hockey was boring and he didn 't want to go . Jamie loves hockey . My first thought was , " Uh oh . Maybe he 's sick . " But he was showing no symptoms of anything other than exhaustion . I figured that was par for the course , being the second day back at school after two weeks off . ( Which , by the way , consisted of a bad stomach bug , that hit us Christmas night . But that 's another story . More like a sequel , really , seeing it was the fifth consecutive year . ) Well , I forced him to go , seeing they were having pictures done last night , and sure enough , once he hit the ice , his little grin came back and he enjoyed it , as usual . On the way home , he refused to admit he had fun , and his attitude got really raunchy . We got him to bed at a decent hour , and I hoped he 'd be fine for school today . But at 4 a . m . , I heard him yelling for me . Jamie doesn 't yell for me in the night unless he 's sick . I went into his room and he said his stomach hurt really badly . I asked him if he needed to go to the bathroom and he said no . I asked him if he felt barfy and he said no . So I made him go to the bathroom , and he never returned to his room . He was in agony for a long time in the bathroom and I got really scared . I looked up symptoms of appendicitis , and he had most of them . I ended up making a bed for him out of towels and he slept on the bathroom floor . While I got the other two ready for school this morning , Jamie was hollering from the bathroom , throwing up and the whole works . Today , I am exhausted , though relieved because Jamie is doing much better and definitely doesn 't have appendicitis . But I certainly got a good reminder of the challenges of my " job " . In a few weeks , Mike is going away for about six days . I doubt I will tell him how easy it was when he gets home again . Today is the first day of school after our Christmas break , and though some people think I am excited to have a break from my kids again , in truth , I have been dreading this day . I miss my boys when they are at school . I worry about them . I worry that they won 't drink enough water and they 'll get a headache . I worry that they will be overtired and come home sick . I worry that they will miss home and be sad . And today , I worry about the weather , because we are under an extreme cold warning right now . My boys have a long bus ride to school , almost an hour , and one of them is in the habit of not wearing his mitts or his hat . I was hoping it would be cold enough to shut down the schools today . That 's the kind of thing that can happen when you are in a small town school , because most students take the bus to get there . But it didn 't happen , and so I got all three lunches made , all three water bottles filled , all three backpacks packed , and all three boys dressed and out the door onto the bus this morning . Then , I started to relax . A day at home with just Lauren is nice . Quiet . Dare I say it ? Easy . I will accomplish things . The boys were on the bus at 7 : 30 , as usual , and then I got into my bed with a book and read for an hour in peace and quiet . That 's when I got the text . It was from their bus driver . Jamie left his backpack in the truck when Mike dropped them off at the bus this morning . Okay , that 's not good . He won 't have his planner today , but that 's not a big deal . He 's wearing all of his winter gear , so we 're good there too . But his lunch and his water bottle are in there . On a normal day , I would make another lunch and drive it to the school . But today , Mike took the truck to work , and all the car seats are in there . I can 't take Lauren in the car with no car seat . She 's only two . If she were five , I 'd do it . I know , that 's really evil , right ? But I 'd stay on the back gravel roads and drive super slow . But she 's two , so I can 't . Plus , it 's really cold out there , and if we were to have car trouble , it could be scary . I thought about calling my father - in - law , because he 's amazing with stuff like that , but I knew he was supposed to be traveling some time today already , and I didn 't want to bother him with another trip . But then something amazing happened . The bus driver offered to make Jamie a lunch and take it to him . I can 't begin to describe what a great bus driver our boys have , but just from this alone , you get the idea . I always feel safe knowing my boys are with her . She keeps them in line and she cares about them . She remembers when their birthdays are and she jokes with them , and she treats them so well . I thought about saying no , telling her she didn 't have to do that , but then I realized this is a blessing , straight from God . There is no reason for guilt , no reason to refuse a gift . So she made him a lunch , and will take it to him at the school . That 's one thing about life in or around a small community . Now I 'm sitting in my cozy house , with my adorable little girl , and I am at peace . I 'm not worried about my kids , because they are in good hands . I 'm feeling blessed . Happy New Year , everyone . What to say ? In a nutshell , I am married to Mike and we now have three boys which is intimidating , but also amazing ! I have two cats : Cricket ( black and white ) and Tabu ( tabby ) , a black and white mini - lop named Oreo and a German Shepherd cross named Radar for his larger - than - life ears ! ( Trust me on that one ! ) I work for the government , but am currently on leave , taking care of my kids while they are small .

John " Preacher " Middleton is about to close the bar when a young woman and her three - year - old son come in out of a wet October night . A marine who has seen his share of pain , Preacher knows a crisis when he sees one - the woman is covered in bruises . He wants to protect them , and he wants to punish whoever did this to her , but he knows immediately that this inclination to protect is something much more . Paige Lassiter has stirred up emotions in this gentle giant of a man - emotions that he has never allowed himself to feel . A fierce and unseasonably cold September wind blew chilly rain against the windows . Preacher wiped down the bar and while it was only seven - thirty , it was already dark . No one in Virgin River would be out on a night like this . After the dinner hour was past , people tended to stay in on cold , wet nights . Those campers and fishermen in the area would be locked down tight against the storm . It was bear and deer hunting season , but it was unlikely any hunters would pass en route to or from lodges and blinds at this hour , in such weather . Jack , his partner and the owner of the bar and grill , knowing there would be little if any business , had gone for the night . Preacher had also sent home their seventeen year old helper , Rick . As soon as the fire burned down a little more , Preacher planned to switch off the OPEN sign and lock the door . He poured himself a shot of whiskey and took it over to the table nearest the fire , then turned a chair toward the hearth and propped up his feet . Quiet nights like this were to his liking . He was a solitary kind of guy . But the peace was not to be . Someone pulled on the door , causing him to frown . It opened a little bit . The wind caught the door and it flew open with a bang , bringing him instantly to his feet . Entering and then struggling to close the door was a young woman holding a child . The woman wore a ball cap and had a heavy quilted bag slung over her shoulder . Preacher went to get the door . She turned , looked up at him and they both jumped back in surprise . She was likely startled because Preacher looked intimidating - he was six - foot - four , bald with bushy black eyebrows , a diamond stud earring and shoulders about as broad as an ax handle was long . " Are you closing ? " she asked , hoisting up her burden , a little boy , not more than three or four years old . He was asleep on her shoulder , his long legs dangling limply . " Because I … Are you closing ? " " Come on , " he said , stepping back for her to pass . " It 's okay . I don 't have anyplace better to go . " He extended an arm toward a table . " Sit by the fire there . Warm up . Dry off . " " Go ahead . Take it , " he said . " I was just having a shot before calling it a night . But there 's no hurry . We don 't usually close this early anyway , but with the rain … " Preacher disappeared into the back , leaving her to warm herself for a minute . He came back with a couple of pillows from his bed and the throw from his couch . He put the pillows on the table next to her and said , " Here . Lay the kid down . He 's probably heavy . " She looked up at him with eyes that seemed to want to cry . Oh , he hoped she wouldn 't do that . He hated when women cried . He had no idea what to do . Jack - he could handle it . He was chivalrous ; he knew exactly what to do with a woman under any circumstance . Preacher was uncomfortable around women until he got to know them . When you got down to it , he was inexperienced . Although it wasn 't intentional , he tended to scare women and children simply because of how he looked . But they didn 't know that underneath that sometimes grim countenance he was shy . " Thanks , " she said again . She transferred the child to the pillows on the table . He immediately curled up small and put a thumb in his mouth . Preacher stood there , lamely holding the throw . She didn 't take it from him so he put it over the boy and tucked it around him . He noticed the boy 's cheeks were real rosy ; his lips bright pink . When she reclaimed her chair , she looked around . She saw the stag 's head over the front door and flinched . She turned full circle , noting the bear skin on the wall , the sturgeon over the bar . " Is this some kind of hunting place ? " she asked . " Not really , but a lot of hunters and fishermen pass this way , " he said . " My partner shot the bear in self - defense , but he caught the fish on purpose . One of the biggest sturgeons on the river . I got the buck , but I 'd rather fish than hunt . I like the quiet . " He shrugged . " I 'm the cook here . If I kill it , we eat it . " " And we did . We had a great winter of venison . Maybe you should have a drink , " he said , trying to keep his voice soft and nonthreatening . " There aren 't many places wide enough to turn around , " she said . " Then I saw this place , your sign . My son … I think he has a fever … We shouldn 't drive anymore . " Preacher knew there wasn 't any place to get a room nearby . This was a woman in trouble ; it didn 't take a genius to figure that out . " I 'll fix you up with something , " he said . " But first - you want something to drink ? Eat ? I 've got a good soup tonight . Bean and ham . And bread . I made bread today . I like to do that when it 's cold and rainy . How about a brandy to warm you up first ? " He went to the bar and poured a Remy into a snifter - fancy stuff for this place . He hardly ever used the snifters on the usual crowd - but he wanted to do something special for the girl . For sure she was down on her luck . He took her the brandy and then went back to the kitchen . The soup was put away for the night , but he took it out of the refrigerator , ladled out a scoop and put it in the microwave . While it warmed , he took her a napkin and some utensils . By the time he got back to the kitchen , the soup was ready and he got out the bread - some of his best ; soft , sweet and hearty - and nuked it for a few seconds . He put that and some butter on a plate . When he came out of the kitchen he saw her struggling out of her jacket , like maybe she was stiff or sore . The sight of it stopped him briefly and made him frown . She threw a look over her shoulder , as if she was caught doing something bad . Preacher took the food to her and put it in front of her , his mind spinning . She was maybe five - foot - five and slight . She wore jeans and her curly brown hair was tucked through the back of the ball cap like a pony tail . She looked like a girl , but he guessed she was at least in her twenties . Maybe she 'd been in a car accident , but it was more likely someone had smacked her around . The thought alone got him a little hot inside . He went back behind the bar while she ate . She shoveled the soup in , smeared the bread with butter and at it ravenously . Halfway through with she gave him a sheepish , almost apologetic smile . It tore through him , that bruised face , split lip . Her hunger . " No . No , it 's okay . I think I 'll just have some of this brandy now . I sure appreciate it . I 'll be on my way in a - " " Relax , " he said , and hoped he didn 't sound harsh . It took a while for people to warm up to him . He transferred her dishes to the bar , clearing her place . " There isn 't anywhere around here to get a room , " he said when he returned to the table . He sat down across from her , leaned toward her . " The roads aren 't so good out this way , especially in the rain . Really , you don 't want to head back out there . You 're kinda stuck . " " Take it easy , " he said . " I got an extra room . No problem . It 's a bad night . " Predictably , her eyes widened . " It 's okay . It 's got a lock . " " Don 't worry about it . I know how I look . Works great on guys . They back right off . " And then he gave her a small smile , not showing any teeth . " Jesus , I couldn 't stand to think of you sleeping in a car ! " he said . " Sorry . Sometimes I sound as bad as I look . But no kidding - if the kid 's not feeling so good . " " Yeah , I know . Probably makes you wonder , huh ? But I 'm way safer than I look . You 'd be okay here . Better here than at some hotel on the freeway , guaranteed . A whole lot more okay than out in that storm , trying to deal with those mountain roads . " She looked at him hard for a minute . Then she said , " No . I 'm just going to press on . If you 'll tell me how much - " " Pretty rough looking bruise you have there , " Preacher said . " Can I get you anything for that lip ? I have a first aid kit in the kitchen . " " I don 't have anything for a kid 's fever . Except a room . With a lock on the door so you feel safe . You don 't want to pass up an offer like that in this weather , with a kid who might be coming down with something . I look big and mean , but I 'm about as safe as you get . Unless you 're wildlife . " He grinned at her . " Aw . Come on . Don 't do that . I never know what to do . " Hesitatingly , squeamishly , he touched her back and she jumped . He touched one of her hands , very lightly . " Come on , don 't cry . Maybe I can help . " She lifted her head . " Sorry , " she said , wiping her eyes . " I 'm exhausted , I guess . It was an accident . It was really stupid , but I was struggling with Chris - " She stopped suddenly and looked around nervously , as though worried about being overheard . She licked her lower lip . " I was trying to get Christopher in the car , hanging onto stuff , and I opened the door right into my face . Hard . You shouldn 't be in a hurry , you know ? It was just a little accident . It 's fine . " She lifted the napkin to her nose . " Sure it will . So - what 's your name ? " When she didn 't answer for a long moment , he said , " It 's okay . I 'm not going to repeat it . If anyone came looking for you , I 'd never mention seeing you . " Her eyes grew round and her mouth stood open slightly . " Oh , damn , that was the wrong thing to say , wasn 't it ? " he said . " All I mean is , if you 're hiding or running , it 's okay . You can hide or run here . I won 't give you up . What 's your name ? " Preacher got up and flipped off the OPEN sign and threw the latch on the door . " There , " he said , sitting down with her again , the little boy taking up much of the table beside them . " Try to take it easy , " he said softly . " No one here 's gonna hurt you . I can be a friend . I 'm sure not scared of the weak dick who 'd do that to a woman . Sorry . " " Yeah , there you go , " Preacher said . " If you think the boy needs a doctor tonight , there 's one right across the street . I could go get him . Or take you over . " " We have a nurse in town , a midwife . She can give medicine , see patients … She takes real good care of the women around here . She 'd come in ten minutes if I called her . If a woman makes a difference , under the circumstances . " " Yeah , must 've been . And the last hour or so off the freeway , that must 've been pretty awful . If you 're not used to those roads . " " You 're in Virgin River now , that 's what matters . It 's just a little crimp in the road , but the people are good . Help out where they can . You know ? " " What 's your name ? " he asked again . She pursed her lips tight , shaking her head . Her eyes welled up again . " It 's okay , " he said softly . " Really . " " John , " he said , then wondered why he had done that . Something about her , he guessed . " John Middleton . No one calls me John , though . I 'm known as Preacher . " " Aw , " he said , ducking shyly . " I don 't know . I got the nickname way back , when I was just a kid in the Marine Corps . The boys said I was kinda straight - laced and up tight . " " Nah , not really , " he said . " I never used to curse at all . I used to go to mass , when there was a mass . I grew up around priests and nuns - my mother was real devout . None of them ever went to mass , that I remember . And I kind of hung back when the boys went out to get drunk and look for women . I don 't know … I never felt like doing that . I 'm not good with women . " He smiled suddenly . " That should be obvious right away , huh ? And getting drunk never really appealed to me . " " It 's Jack 's bar . He watches over people real good . We don 't let anybody out of here if they 're not safe , you know ? I like a shot at the end of the day , but no reason to get a headache over it , right ? " He grinned at her . " It 's not a big deal . Most nights we 're open later than this . " Preacher inclined his head toward the boy . " He going to wake up hungry ? " " Okay , there 's an extra room upstairs , right above the kitchen . You help yourself in the kitchen - I 'll leave a light on for you . Anything you want . There 's milk in the refrigerator . And orange juice . Cereal , bread , peanut butter , more of that soup in the fridge and a microwave . Okay ? " He laughed in spite of himself , then sobered quickly . " Sorry , I didn 't mean to laugh . It 's just that - it 's my old room . It 's not a hotel room or anything . I lived up there for two years , but then Jack moved out and I got his apartment out back . That room over the kitchen - smells a little like bacon and coffee in the morning , but it 's a good size , with a big bathroom . It would do for a night . " He shrugged . " Just being a good neighbor . Okay ? " " I 'm not putting myself out any - it 's just an empty room . Glad to help out . " He cleared his throat . " Got a suitcase I can get for you or anything ? " " I 'll get it for you . You get your brandy there , " he said . " Give yourself another shot if you need it . If I were you , I 'd need it , after driving through these hills in the rain . " He stood up . " Bring it with you and I 'll show you the room . Upstairs . Um - you want me to carry the kid up for you ? " " Not a problem , " he said . " Listen , so you don 't worry , your room and my apartment aren 't even connected - we 're separated by the kitchen and stairs . You just lock your door and rest easy . " He gently and clumsily lifted the little boy into his arms . His head went onto Preacher 's shoulder and it felt odd . Preacher didn 't have a lot of experience with carrying around children , but he liked the way it felt . He gave the boy 's back a few long , slow strokes . " This way . " He led the way through the kitchen and up the back staircase . He opened the door and said , " Sorry . It 's kind of a mess . I left some things up here , like my weights . But the sheets are clean . " " Don 't worry about it . If you need a couple of days , we can work it out . Like I said , it 's not exactly for rent or anything . Just sits empty . I mean , if the kid 's got a little bug or something … " He lay the boy gently on the bed , strangely reluctant to put him down . The warmth of the child against his chest was comforting . He couldn 't resist touching his floppy blond hair . Beautiful little kid . " How about some car keys ? Might as well go get that suitcase … " Preacher went to her car , a little Honda , and got in . He had to put the seat all the way back and his knees still rubbed against the steering wheel . He pulled it around to the back of the building and parked it beside his truck where it couldn 't be seen from the main street in case someone was looking for her . He wasn 't sure how he 'd explain that - he wouldn 't want her to be afraid . When he was back in the upstairs room , she was sitting tensely on the edge of the bed , her son behind her . He put down the suitcase , placed the keys on the bureau right inside the door , and shuffled a little in the doorway . She stood up and faced him . " Look . Ah . I moved your car - put it right out back by my truck . Off the street . It 's out of sight from the road now . So if you get up or look out , you 're not confused about that - it 's right out back . I recommend you sit tight , wait out this rain , travel in dry daylight . But if you get - you know - nervous , the bar only locks on the inside and here are your keys . It 's no big deal if you … Like if you can 't relax and have to leave , it 's no big deal if the bar door 's left unlocked - this is a real quiet , safe place . Sometimes we forget to lock up , anyway . I 'll get it locked for sure tonight , you and the kid being here . Um … Paige … you don 't have to be worried or anything . I 'm a pretty reliable guy . Or else Jack wouldn 't leave me with the bar . Okay ? Just get some rest . " He pulled the door closed . He heard her move the dead bolt , protecting herself . For the first time since coming to this little town , he wondered why that dead bolt had ever been installed . He stood there a minute . It had taken him about five seconds to conclude someone - ninety - eight percent chance a boyfriend or husband - had belted her in the face and she was on the run with her kid . It wasn 't like he didn 't know that stuff happened . It happened all the time . He just never understood what satisfaction a man could get out of hitting a woman . It made no sense to him . If you have a pretty young woman like that , you treat her right . Hold her safe against you and protect her . He went to the bar , turned off the lights , checked the kitchen , leaving a light on in case she came downstairs , then went to his apartment behind the kitchen . He was only there a few minutes when it occurred to him that there were no longer clean towels up there - he 'd emptied the bathroom and moved all his downstairs . He went to the bathroom , gathered up a stack of clean white towels and went back upstairs . The door was open a crack , like maybe she 'd already been down to the kitchen . He could see a glass of orange juice sitting on the bureau inside the door and it pleased him that she 'd helped herself . Through that space of an inch , he saw her reflection in the bureau mirror . Her back faced the mirror and she had pulled her bulky sweatshirt up over her head and shoulders , trying to get a glimpse of her back and upper arms in the mirror . And she was covered with bruises . Lots of big bruises on her back , one shoulder and upper arms . He quickly backed away from the slit in the door and got up against the wall outside , out of sight . It took him a moment to collect himself ; he was stricken . Horrified . All he could think was , what kind of animal does something like that ? His mouth hung open because he couldn 't imagine this . He was a warrior , a trained fighter , and he was pretty sure he hadn 't done that much damage to a man equal to him in size , in a fair fight . Some instinct kicked in that told him he shouldn 't let on that he 'd seen . She was already afraid of everything , including him . But there was also the reality - that this wasn 't a woman who 'd been smacked . She 'd been pummeled . He didn 't even know the girl , yet all he wanted was to kill the son of a bitch who 'd done that to her . Kill him . After five or eleven months of beatings , then death for the sorry bastard . She shouldn 't know he was feeling that ; it would scare her to death . He took a few deep breaths . Composed himself . Then he tapped lightly on the door . " I forgot , I took all the bathroom stuff out , " he said . " You 'll need some towels . I 'll leave you alone now . Won 't bother you again . " ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Paige pulled the bureau carefully , as quietly as possible , in front of the door . She really hoped John hadn 't heard that , but as close as she could figure out , the kitchen was right beneath this room . And - if the man meant her or Christopher any harm , he could have already delivered it , not to mention the fact that a locked door and empty bedroom dresser couldn 't possibly keep him out . As much as she 'd have liked a hot soak in a tub , she felt too vulnerable to get naked . She couldn 't talk herself into the shower either , she might not hear the door knob rattle or Christopher call out to her - so she washed up in the sink and put on clean clothes . Then , leaving the bathroom light on , she lay carefully on the bed , on top of the covers . She knew she wouldn 't sleep , but after a little while she calmed down . She stared at the ceiling , the wood slates forming a perfect V over her head . What came to mind was that this was the third time in her life she 'd lain in bed looking at such a ceiling . The first time was in the house she grew up in - and the beams were bare , unfinished , pink insulation puffing out between them . The house was small , only two bedrooms , and already old when her parents moved in , but the neighborhood had been clean and quiet then , twenty years ago . Her mother moved her into the attic when she was nine ; she shared her space with boxes of stored household goods pushed back against one wall . But it was her space , and she escaped to it whenever she could . From her bed she could hear her mother and father arguing . After her father 's death when she was eleven , she could hear her older brother Bud argue with their mother . From what she had learned about domestic battery in the last few years , she should have expected to end up with an abuser , even though her father never hit her or her mother , and the worst she ever got from Bud was a shove or slug in the arm . But man , could the men in her family yell . So loud , so mad , she wondered why the windows didn 't crack . Demand , belittle , insult , accuse , sulk , punish with the meanest words . It was just a matter of degrees ; abuse is abuse . The next time she had found herself staring at a ceiling like this one was after she left home . She 'd gone to beauty school after high school and stayed home with her mother , paying rent , until she was twenty - one . Then she and two girlfriends - also beauticians - rented half an old house . Paige had happily taken the attic bedroom , though it wasn 't even as large as her childhood room and most of the time she had to crouch to keep from hitting her head on the slanted walls . Tears came to her eyes because she remembered those two years with Pat and Jeannie as the happiest in her life . Sometimes she missed them so much it made her ache . Three hairdressers - mostly broke after rent , food and clothes - it had seemed like heaven . When they couldn 't afford to go out , they 'd buy popcorn and cheap wine and make a party of it at home , gossiping about women whose hair they cut and frosted , about boyfriends and sex , laughing till they couldn 't sit up straight . Then Wes came into her life , a successful businessman six years older . With a shock she realized he 'd been the age she was now - twenty - nine . Yet he 'd seemed so worldly , mature . She 'd been styling his hair for only a couple of months when he asked her out and took her to a restaurant so fine , the hostesses were better dressed than she was . He drove a brand new Grand Prix with cushy leather seats , darkly tinted windows . And he drove too fast , which at twenty - three didn 't seem dangerous . It was thrilling . Even though he yelled at and flipped off other drivers , it seemed his right - he was powerful . By her standards , rich . He had a house already , which he didn 't even have to share with roommates . His career was trading stocks and commodities ; an exhausting job that required brilliance and high energy . He wanted to go out every night , bought her things , pulled his wallet out of his pocket and said , " I don 't know what you really want , what little thing would just make you cry it 's so perfect , so I want you to shop for yourself . Because you being happy is the only thing that matters to me in the world . " He 'd peeled off a couple of bills and handed her two hundred dollars , a veritable fortune . Pat and Jeannie didn 't like him , but there was hardly a mystery in that . He wasn 't all that nice to them . He treated them like wallpaper , furniture . Answered their questions with one word when he could . In fact , she couldn 't remember what they said about him when they tried to warn her off . Then came the insanity of her life spiraling out of control that to this day seemed impossible : He 'd hit her before they married , and she married him anyway . They 'd been in his fancy car , parked , having an argument about where she was living - he thought she 'd be better off at home with her mother rather than that old half a house in a questionable neighborhood with a couple of dykes . It got pretty nasty ; she 'd said her share of ugly things to him . He said something like , I want you with your mother , not in some little whorehouse in the ghetto . There was more . More . She vaguely remembered calling him a bad name , like prick or asshole . He called her a bitch , a difficult bitch . In any case , they both contributed , she was sure of that . He 'd slapped her , open palm . Then he immediately broke down , collapsed , cried like a baby , said he wasn 't sure what had happened to him , but maybe it was because he 'd never been in love like this before . It was wrong , he knew it was wrong to overreact that way , he was crazy , he was ashamed . But … he wanted to hold her in his arms every night , take care of her for the rest of her life , never lose her . He apologized for what he 'd said about the roommates - maybe he was just jealous of how loyal she was toward them . In his mind he just couldn 't see past her ; there was no one in his life he valued like he valued her . He loved her so much it made him nuts , he said . She was the first person he 'd ever felt that way about . Without her , he was nothing ! She hadn 't told Pat and Jeannie because even though she was stupid about what was happening , she knew better than to risk their further disapproval . It only took her a couple of days and his pitiful regret to get over that slap . It wasn 't that much of a slap . It didn 't take more than a month for her to almost forget it happened and trust him again ; she thought him handsome , exciting , sexy . He was edgy and confident . Smart . Passive men couldn 't get the kind of success he had . She wasn 't attracted to passive men . Then he said , " Paige , I don 't want to wait . I want us to get married as soon as you 're ready . A nice wedding - screw the cost , I can afford whatever you want . Ask Pat and Jeannie to stand up for us . And you can quit your job - you don 't have to work anymore . " Her legs hurt ; she was getting bunions . Fixing hair six days a week was no easy job , even though she had liked it . She 'd often thought how much more she 'd like it if she only had to do it about six hours a day , four days a week , but that seemed an impossible dream . She could barely make ends meet as it was and her mother had been working two jobs since her father died . In her mother , she saw her future - alone , weak and worked to death . A picture of her surly roommates wearing pretty satin at her wedding , smiling , envious of her good fortune and the cushy life she 'd have . And she 'd said yes . Over the next six years she 'd tried everything - counseling , police , running away . He got out of jail right away , if they even bothered to take him in ; he found her in hiding , and it just got worse . Even her pregnancy and Christopher 's arrival hadn 't stopped the abuse . She discovered by accident that there might be a little more to this equation - a certain chemistry that gave him such energy to work those long hours and wear himself out keeping track of her , the fits of euphoria , the skull splitting temper - some white powder in a small vial . Cocaine ? And he took something his personal trainer gave him , though he swore it wasn 't steroids . A lot of traders used amphetamines to keep up with the demands of the job . Cocaine users tended to be reed thin , but Wes was proud of his body , his build , and worked hard on his muscles . A coke and steroid regimen , she realized , could make his temper hair - trigger short . She had no idea how much , how long . But she knew he was crazy . This was her last chance . Through a shelter she 'd met a woman who said she could help her get away , change her identity and flee . There was an underground for battered women and children in hopeless situations . If she and Christopher could just get to the first contact , they would be passed along from place to place , collecting new ID , names , histories and lives along the way . The upside was - it worked a lot . It was nearly foolproof when the woman followed instructions and the children were young enough . The downside was , it was illegal , and for life . Life like this , covered in bruises , afraid I 'll be killed everyday - or a life of being someone else , someone who isn 't hit ? She started squirreling away money from her grocery allowance and packed a bag that she hid with a contact from a shelter . She managed almost five hundred dollars and fully intended to get herself and Christopher out before another bad episode occurred . With the last beating , she knew she was nearly too late . And here she was , looking at her third V - shaped ceiling . She knew she wouldn 't sleep ; she 'd hardly slept in six years . No worries about the drive - with so much adrenalin going on , she 'd make it . But then , she woke up to sunlight and a regular thwacking noise outside . Someone was chopping wood . She sat up cautiously and smelled coffee . She had slept after all . And so had Christopher . Brie Sheridan - Jack 's youngest sister whose police detective husband left her for Brie 's best friend . A 30 - year - old county district attorney , Brie comes to Virgin River to recover after losing a big trial . In Virgin River , a romance blossoms between Brie and Mike Valenzuela .

I am dog tired . It 's very hard work being a movie star . We shot for over 2 hours tonight under hot , hot lights . Toto wasn 't in every scene , just the ones that Dorothy ( aka Tierney ) was in . We were filming the yellow brick road part . The reason the background is green is because they will digitally create the background on the computer . I 'm not sure why people are not wearing shoes . Tier had special sparkly ruby slippers too . The good witch was very beautiful and the bad witch was really frightening . I also got scared when the lion jumped out at Dorothy and roared , but I didn 't let it show on my face . What a pro ! ! I was given lots of breaks to rest in front of the air conditioner and a few times I got to wait outside on the grass until it was our turn again . I never made a peep or tried to jump out of my basket . Everyone said I was a perfect Toto . I did see two guys dressed up as flying monkeys and heard they will be shooting a scene Saturday in the woods . NO WAY am I going to allow myself to be carried away by the monkeys ! I 'm calling my agent ! Linda has to admit , as annoying as Chim can be sometimes , right now he is so cute it 's breaking her heart . For two hours , he has been running , leaping , chasing , and spinning around the backyard chasing bugs ( or imaginary friends since it looked like he was just acting crazy . ) She let him inside and he ran right for Mutilated Coyote . He was dragging it around , showing off his kill , but at the same time he was so tired that he was staggering and tripping over it 's body . Finally , he jumped up on the love seat with us and continued to chew on whats left of Mutilated Coyotes face . ( He 's chewed off the nose , mouth , ears , eyes and tail . ) Chim 's eyes were closing and he kept nodding off , but continued to gnaw until he fell dead asleep with Coyote in his mouth . It eventually dropped out of his mouth onto the carpet . It reminded her so much of the babies in the nursery that are so tired , but they won 't sleep because playing with the toys is so much fun I got to sleep until my normal time this morning because Linda shut the bedroom door after Chimmie finished his outside time . He did whine and cry to try and get in and jump up on The Big Bed , but he could not open the door . Neither one of us have a big appetite for breakfast . I think it 's because we did not get much exercise yesterday . Linda is feeling better in her tummy , but now her left heel is very bruised and painful to walk on . How in the world did that happen ? It feels like she smashed it down on concrete while she was barefoot . She still has 3 water fitness classes to teach today on a hard pool deck , so it needs to get better fast or she 'll just have to deal with the pain . The weather is beautiful , but she wonders if she should walk us or let her foot rest ? I 'm not sure if I 'm needed on the set tonight for Toto , Linda hopes not because she would love to get home early and ice her foot . Before she goes to the Dr . , she is going to try new sneakers . It 's been almost a year since she replaced her stock , so that might do the trick . Also , just water , water and more water to drink and NO diet coke ! It 's the only time I can remember that Linda has been home on a Wednesday night . She usually has church and really looks forward to going each week . Tonight , she is not feeling that great . It could be a quick tummy virus , but she thinks that it might just be dehydration . In the last 36 hours she has taught 7 hard classes . Last night , she almost passed out on the pool deck when she was using the wrench to try and put the lanes back in place then stood up . Her skin is doing exactly what this photo shows , one of the signs of dehydration . This afternoon , she HAD to cut the grass , front and back . It 's been many , many weeks since the Lawn Fairy magically mowed and the backyard weeds were three times taller than me ! After mowing and teaching 2 classes this afternoon , she was woozy and nauseous . Now , she has chills and is wrapped in a sweatshirt . No walk for us tonight and I won 't whine one bit about it . Chim is out back since he was annoying us both . In a few minutes , she is going to take a hot bath then curl up in The Big Bed with a giant glass of ice water . I was hopping mad this morning . Linda got up early like she always does . Chim is an early riser too and was waiting quietly and expectantly in his bed to go outside and take care of business . As soon as Linda 's feet hit the floor , I make my way under the covers for another hour of sleep . After Chim finished outside , Linda let him back in while she made our breakfast . Chim raced down the hall , jumped up on The Big Bed , found me under the covers and started wrestling with me ! I was yipping and crying . By the time Linda ran down the hall , I was already wide awake from trying to defend myself . Cripes ! I did not want to wake up at the crack of dawn . Thanks a lot Chimmie . Linda is trying to teach him that he is NOT supposed to jump up on The Big Bed . Hopefully , she scared him enough this morning that he won 't do it again . Turns out that I wasn 't needed on the set tonight for my Toto role . Tierney picked me up at 5 : 30 and I spent a few hours at her house . At first I did not like it there since it was strange and Linda wasn 't with me . Then she boiled me some chicken breast and I was happy . Then we went to the filming for her Wizard of Oz production . Everyone was nice . All I had to do was sit on Tier 's lap while other people did their roles . Luckily , I did not see any flying monkeys or scary witches . Linda picked me up after her classes . Now we are home and I 'm so tired I would not mind of Linda put me right in The Big Bed . Chim is out in the backyard finishing his supper and getting some exercise . I don 't usually blog about artists or share links on artwork . This lady 's stuff is so inspiring that you must check out her page ! She does art with food things . For instance , these beautiful cameos are carved using the cream filling of oreos ! She also has condiment wallpaper , a cereal sampler and embroidered toast ! When she was a little girl , I wonder if her Mom told her to stop playing with her food ? Linda is feeling inspired to go make a sculpture out of her breakfast banana and whole wheat toast . If it turns out to look like art , I 'll post the photo on my next entry . Til then , check out a few of Judith Klausner 's other creations . http : / / jgklausner . com / series / from - scratch We did our trail walk early this morning before it got too hot . We were still on our street not even to the trail path and I wanted to be carried . The sun was so hot that I was panting and heaving . As soon as we got to the woods , it was cooler and shady so I walked the entire 50 minutes . Usually we don 't see anyone or maybe just one lone person jogging . Today we saw 6 people and 1 dog jogging or walking . Chimmie is no longer afraid of dogs as long as they don 't act threatening . It 's such an disadvantage that I 'm so small and short , I could never fight back against a dog who was taller or bigger than me . This big dog growled at us as he went past , so we both hunkered down low to the ground . Linda was right there to front kick his teeth if he would have lunged at us , so we were safe . For some reason , the biting bugs were everywhere and Linda 's legs have little welts on them . She 'll have to start using bug spray before trail walks from now on . The 4th of July is fast approaching . Linda has 2 picnics to go to , one in the afternoon and one in the evening . The afternoon one will be fun for us . If it 's not too hot , we should be able to come with her since the picnic is up at church . If the weather is steamy or muggy , we 'll stay home . Later in the day Emily and Tierney are having another party at Em 's swimming pool . Even though Em would love to have me visit her house , there will be fireworks at that one . . . . and I would have a heart attack . After the party , everyone will carpool to our local downtown to watch the big fireworks display . Linda will probably skip that because she 'll need to be home to calm us . Chim has never heard of fireworks since he was born in August and is not yet a year old . I have a feeling he will probably get so scared he 'll have major panic attacks . He 's afraid of the sound of a leaf blowing on the sidewalk or a plastic bag crinkling . This must be Chimmie 's sister . It looks just like him and is doing a naughty thing that Chim would do . If he had coffee , I think he would probably run around the yard 100 miles an hour until his legs fell off or the caffeine wore off . It 's not even 8 : 30 and Linda and I are tired enough for bed . She only taught 3 classes , but this evening we all went on a long , long walk . Chimmie was out of his mind , and Linda knew she had to drain some of the explosive energy or he would have been whimpering all night and up before dawn . Plus , she hates just sitting and watching TV , her brain is fried from all the studying she did already today and honestly , all she really wants to do is sleep . Since it 's still light out , she is going to put Chim out back while she takes a bubble bath . Then she 'll read and relax until bedtime . This is Sarah and Noah taking a nap on their vacation last week . Awwwww . Just call me Toto . For real ! I will be staring as Dorothy 's famous little terrier in a production of the Wizard of Oz . I was not only chosen for my cuteness , but because I basically will sit totally still wherever I 'm placed . I won 't try to hop out of the basket when Dorothy ( aka . . . Tierney ) sets off down the yellow brick road . Filming begins this Tuesday evening . Linda will be on set as my handler to keep me happy and relaxed . I wish there were time to go to Dog - a - Do and get groomed , but I think most of me will be in the basket anyway . I hope there isn 't a scene where the flying monkeys get me ! If there is , I demand a body double ! I was stalling and did not want to get out of bed this morning although we all slept well last night . There is nothing as wonderful as a cozy bed in the early morning hours . I love the feel , smell , warmth and comfort of waking up pressed up to Linda . She did keep waking up from weird dreams ( in one dream she was in a college course that had bathroom stalls right in the classroom . The professor was explaining the psychological mindset of why people do things like closing the door with their elbow and flushing the toilet with their foot in public bathrooms . I doubt you don 't need a college course for the answer : germs ! ) but she was able to fall right back asleep . The babies were particularly cranky last night at church ( except for Noah ) and it was nice for her to come home to a quite , peaceful house and go right to bed . Chimmie was even ready to turn in early . He drags his bed to the couch and curls up when he wants to turn in for the night . Linda just picks up the bed with him in it and brings it to his room . I practically leaped up into her arms so she could put me on the big bed . Even Chip was nowhere to be seen when she turned the lights off . It 's a very busy week for Linda . She has 5 subs in addition to her heavy teaching schedule . Hopefully , she 'll be able to sleep every night this week . Today 's dog walker was Paul . I was glad to see him , but after he put our harness on , I only wanted to walk 5 or 6 houses down the street and I turned around to come home . He bought me back then took Chimmie out for a long , tiring walk . I was still pooped out from yesterdays hour long trail hike . Linda decided that after church she would go get her toenails painted . They match our impatiens flowers that Sarah planted a few months ago . I 'm glad she was able to relax with a nice pedicure . She had planned on cutting the yard when she got home from church , but now she does not want to shove her nice toes into sneakers . It takes a long time for them to dry all the way she does not want them smudged . She thought about mowing wearing flip - flops , but that wouldn 't be very safe . Instead she barefoot in the kitchen baking some snickerdoodle cookies ( not the dog kind of Snickers ) to bring tonight to the nursery for the ladies to share . I 'm so impatient , the smell is driving me crazy . I probably won 't get one anyway since I 'm watching my waistline . The mystery of the latched gate deck has been solved . This whole time we thought someone was coming up on our deck and latching the gate shut during the night or at weird times when Linda knew she left it open . The gate keeps Chimmie up on the deck and out of the backyard during the day . As you all know , Chim unsupervised in the backyard can be a disaster . Linda put us both outside for a little while and made sure the gate was open . I had just woken up from a long nap and had to use the outside pee - pee pad . She went back to try and figure out her laptop problem ( I know , she was supposed to stop but thought she would just give it ONE MORE TRY . ) After about 10 minutes , she heard me barking like I was hurt . She rushed to the sliding glass door to see what the fuss was about . Chim came running in , but I wasn 't there and she could still hear me crying ! Her heart almost stopped . She ran out onto the deck and found me locked off and stuck on the steps crying my eyes out . Chimmie shut and latched the gate , trapping me on the steps ! ! He is such a brat . She still can 't figure out how he does it because the gate is heavy and has to be pushed pretty hard to get the latch to catch . We had a very long trail walk today , and I did the entire thing ( except for the main road sidewalk coming home , I have to be carried on that part . ) Jerry spent a few hours installing some software on Linda 's laptop before he left . When she got home , she tried ( for about 2 hours now ) to make it work , but can 't figure it out . It 's important stuff for her work , so she is still at it . Her head hurts from so much technical stuff . Linda knows very little about computers and trying to figure out all these nerdy instructions is not her cup of tea . If any friends know about Windows Vista and finding saved mp4 . files , would you call her ? The file was saved after it was downloaded , but she can 't find it anywhere ! It 's not where it was saved to . I told her to stop stressing and give the pups some hugs and kisses . That always makes her happy . Or she could look at a photo of Noah smiling . . . that worked ! I went missing this morning again when Linda came to wake me up . I think if I burrow way down inside all the covers , she won 't find me and I can sleep longer . Even though I kind of match the sheets , she still manages to discover my hiding places . She does have to destroy the covers on the bed to pull me out , then totally remake the bed . I got right up without complaining . This morning , it was Chimmie would did not want to get out of his bed . He is always raring and ready to go no matter what time Linda wakes him up . He was still curled up in Chips little bed ( yes , he decided the cats bed was his bed and dragged it back to his room ) and had the confused , dazed sleepy look to his eyes when she opened his door . Now he 's outside eating his breakfast and I 'm curled up for my first nap of the day . Surprisingly , Linda slept great last night which means I slept great too . She did end up going up to family night for a little while , but she left us at home . Since it stays light so much later , they were still playing a crazy soccer game in the big field . This one had two balls , four goals and then even hula - hoops hanging from the top of the goal . If you kicked it through the hoop , you got more points . She was so impressed because a few of the girls that just did the 1 1 / 2 hour Body Combat class where playing the game . Linda was just happy not to be limping ! ( Whenever Linda can 't find her car in the parking lot , she uses the car key alarm and makes the car go beep - beep . She said if I keep hiding , she is going to find a collar for me that has a beep - beep so she knows where I am . ) Chimmie spent about 4 hours at Paul 's today . He was stuck in his little room for hours and hours today while Linda did her Pump practice and Cardio Defense class . She felt so bad that she had to leave again to go do her TKD and 1 1 / 2 hour Combat class and put him back in the tiny bathroom . Paul volunteered to watch him at his house and she took him up on his offer . They took 4 long walks , wrestled around the floor and then Chimmie totally destroyed the new toy Paul bought him . Linda picked him up after her classes and he fell asleep on the way home in the car . Chim keeps dragging my kitchen bed down the hallway into the den and Linda keeps putting it back . I have to put my paw down about my kitchen bed . It 's my favorite and the one I sleep in all day when Linda is working . I don 't want it destroyed . I have such a love / hate relationship with Chimmie . At times he is soooooo sweet and gentle playing with me , but he has also pushed me down the stairs on purpose . He 's destroyed every single one of my toys , but I love him anyway . Tomorrow , Jerry is supposed to come by while Linda is working to walk us and visit a bit . This is a drawing he did of me when I was little . For some reason he thought it was funny to make me sit on a giant apes shoulder . UPDATE : OMGosh , Linda just put us out in the backyard for our final pee - pee break . While she was waiting , she decided to lay back on the deck and look at the sky . It was Amazing . The most beautiful night sky she has ever seen in her life . The sky was an incredible color dark blue ( I 'm sure there is a crayola crayon to describe it , but Chimmie at them all so she can 't look in the box and find the name . ) and the clouds were puffy white . This is almost 10 p . m . too . She is thinking of grabbing her sleeping bag and pillow and camping out on the deck for awhile . Today is National Take Your Dog to Work Day . Could you imagine what Chimmie would do if Linda took him to the Combat for a Cause class ! He would be tearing around the floor like a mad - dog . He 'd get front kicked 20 times because he is too dumb to stay out of the way . It would be cute though if she dressed him in a workout outfit . Linda could so take me to all her classes . I would just sit in my carry - me bag and never move an inch . I might peak my head out to see what all the fuss was about , but not in a million years would I set foot outside the bag . All that loud music and people punching , kicking and yelling would freak me out . Linda 's friend Lauren took her dog to work today . Here he is prepping for the board meeting . Jock looks like a friendly chap , but if he got mad at me . . . I would be in his belly in just one gulp ! I 'm Alive ! Here is a feel - good - fuzzy - warm - feeling story . I bet my readers are sick and tired of posts about a dumb dog eating screwdrivers , sharp nails , chunks of wood decking and poison berries . This story involves an elk and a marmot at the Pocatello Zoo . In case you don 't know what a marmot was , I was thoughtful enough to include a photo . Shooter , the 4 - year old elk , was enjoying his day when he noticed something amiss in his giant water bowl . His keepers noticed he was extremely focused on the tank of water . They grabbed the video camera and watched an incredible rescue unfold . A marmot had fallen into the pool of water and was drowning . Shooter spent 15 minutes sniffing and pawing around the tank . Dipping his head carefully in the water , he gently picked the marmot out of the water with his teeth and set it on the ground , nudging him with his hoof . The marmot took some time to recover and scampered home . Shooter was a hero ! We need him in the backyard to save Chimmie from doing dumb things . If you google Elk , marmot and water rescue , maybe you can find the video . Chimmie is trying to kill himself . Either that or he is the stupidest dog to ever walk the planet . Today 's find , an old screwdriver that must have been buried underground for 50 years . He dug it up and bought it up onto his deck bed for a nice little snack . By the time Linda peeked out to check on him , he had the handle chewed off and was gnawing on the metal . Honestly , she is a good dog owner . He gets walks , she plays with him every second she is home by throwing his toys so he can fetch them , he has nutritious food , he has a comfy bed . . . everything a dog could possibly want . Why does he try to eat crazy things ? Tier , you have to make the video to send to The Dog Whisperer . This is what Linda found when she peeled back the covers this morning . ( The top photo of me , not the dancing girl . ) I wasn 't in my usual spot which is right under the first bedspread at the head of the bed . I was burrowed under the the bedspread , two blankets and the top sheet . At first she thought I had jumped off The Big Bed myself because she could not find me . Eventually she kept digging and found me under all those covers and hiding behind the pillow she puts between her knees at night ! I was so adorable she had a hard time making me get out of bed to start my day . Linda did her sub class this morning and then took a Bollywood dance class . She liked it ! After class , an Indian woman stopped her in the hallway to the locker room and said that she thought Linda was amazing at Bollywood dancing ! Linda 's favorite part was all the little finger flips and snaps . It is a very pretty dance style and she worked up a good sweat too . It would have been perfect if she got to wear the outfit . Only a few people came to her WIM class at 1 : 00 , but there will be a whole bunch of people in tonight 's class . Right now , the power is out at the gym , so she is waiting to hear from her boss if she has to go in to teach . Thursdays were supposed to be a light work day for Linda , but not today . She has lots to do . Subbing at 10 : 00 , a Water in Motion at 1 : 00 and then another WIM at 6 : 30 . There is also a special class called Bollywood Jam that she will be taking at noon . ( I wish there were a video camera filming for that class ! It will be hysterical to watch . ) She 'll be able to get home between the 1 : 30 - 6 : 00 to walk us and spend some time home before she heads back out . It 's a good thing we all slept last night . I did not have any seizures and Linda took an Advil pill with sleep medicine in it . She hates to do that , but after nights and nights of no sleep , it 's dangerous to be driving around or using sharp knives . I wonder why there is a saying " slept like a baby " ? When Taylor and Tierney were babies , they woke up every couple hours crying for Mama . I wonder if this is edible ? The muggy , hot , humid not - good - for - walking weather is back . Even though it 's not raining , Linda is afraid of bringing on another seizure if she takes me out in the heat of the day . She 'll see how it feels after she gets home from church tonight . Whew , it 's miserable with all this fur . I feel kind of bad because Chim did not get walked today either . He could probably walk when it 's 100 degrees and not have it bother him a lick . He 's running around the backyard right now , playing with his bunny and chasing gnats . For her entire life , since she has been a young girl , Linda has suffered with bouts of insomnia . It comes and goes , usually staying for 2 - 3 weeks before disappearing for months at a time . Sometimes its for no reason at all , others she can pinpoint why . I love sleeping pressed up against her in the Big Bed , but she is starting to wonder if I should move to my kitchen bed until she is over this round . Last night , her muscles were twitching and sparking . When they were not vibrating , they felt like they were stretched so tight they were about to jump out of her skin . It feels like fireworks are being set off inside all of her muscles at once . She did teach 4 classes yesterday , but was careful to drink a lot of water . Thankfully , there was only one calf cramp and it went away quickly . Could this be a medical condition or is it just a result of too much exercise ? She has a friend who runs ultra marathons . She 'll ask today if it every happens to him the night after a race . There were moments when she would drift off to sleep , and then be jerked back awake by a spasm . Linda kept moving me to the foot of the bed so I would not be disturbed , but I kept creeping back up to press against her body . Maybe moving the clock away from the bed will help so she does not see the hours ticking by . Once , I was so tired that I was snoring , barking and running my little paws while I slept . It was the highlight of her night listening to me having a fun dream . She 'll have to nap today or staying awake at church tonight will be a problem . There are 4 more classes to do today ! I know while she is working , I 'll be catching up on my beauty sleep . I 'm so jittery . The thunder is crashing very loud , right outside our window . Chimmie is being adorable . He is licking me everywhere and trying to calm me down . I 'm tucked up under Linda 's arm trying to snuggle as close as possible . He 's poking his head close to me kissing my ears and face . Now he 's nibbling on my legs . It is taking my mind off the scary thunder , so I don 't mind . I 'm thankful we got our walk in earlier today , because it 's pouring out now . Linda 's glad , because her body needs to rest from her hard classes tonight . For dinner she ate a " sausage " that was wrapped on melted cheesy Indian bread called naan . It smelled just like real meat , no one would have known it was fake sausage . Right now she would saw off her arm for a bite of something sweet . She checked every cupboard , the fridge and freezer and there isn 't one bit of dessert anywhere . If it wasn 't pouring , she would drive right up to the store and buy something yummy . This is a cake she shared with her friend Laura at a restaurant called Champs . It 's taller than a fork ! It was a long time ago , but she said she remembered it was delicious . It probably has more calories then she burned off in teaching all 4 of her classes today . Instead , we are all going to bed . Last night , I was the one who kept Linda awake . I had two seizures during the night . The second one was scary for us both . I actually lifted up , body slammed Linda 's side and was convulsing . Afterward , I was shaking and scared , but she prayed and calmed us both down . I guess if this keeps up I 'm going to have to go on the seizure medicine . There are so many side effects that we have not wanted to do it up til now . This is Linda 's heavy teaching day too . Jerry can 't come over for his normal Tuesday evening visit since he is on a business trip to Atlanta . She said it really does not matter if I 'm alone or not when a seizure comes . There is nothing in the natural she can do anyway . On the plus side , my home - made breakfast this morning was amazing ! Linda had strange dreams again last night . This time , Sarah and Taylor were invited to do a space launch with NASA . Linda and Tierney went with them to stay at this expensive resort at the beach , except it was Las Vegas with a beach , to watch the launch . Sarah and Tierney were at the beach bar , and Taylor and Linda were inside when a giant Tsunami hit . The girls held on to the bar and just got sandy . Linda and Taylor were just shaken up . They went to the front desk to ask if the launch was still on and found out the whole thing was a scam . The resort told everyone the same story so family and friends would come and stay there . Totally disappointed , everyone went to Applebee 's for dinner instead . UPDATE : Seizure free since 6 : 00 a . m . We did a 30 minute walk , my appetite is fine and I 've been snoozing off and on all morning . . . . which is my normal routine . : ) Linda is a master chef ! She decided enough was enough . To buy healthy canned pet food that is good for us , it cost over $ 2 . a can . You can buy cheaper stuff with fillers and words you can 't pronounce , but she likes to keep us healthy . Since she bought her amazing food processor , she decided that she would start to make our food from scratch . For just a fraction of the cost , she whipped up the most delicious food ever . For under $ 2 dollars she bought a giant bag of frozen peas and carrots . Then , for a dollar she bought a whole box of brown rice on sale . Next , she got a mega 5 pound bag of frozen chicken pieces on sale for a song ! After she cooked it , she pureed it up into mush . It made so much , she had to freeze most of it . All I can say is " YUM ! ! " Even Chip loved it . We begged for seconds and thirds . A baby could even eat it since it 's just chicken , rice and veggies . Now she just has to figure out how to make the dry food Kibble she mixes in with the wet food . It was very fortuitous that Linda waited until her arms were rested before she took us out on the trail . She ended up carrying me 30 minutes . It wasn 't because I was tired , it was because I was scared . We were doing our normal trail walk , and I was scooting along just fine . There is a deer trail we take sometimes ( where we did the rainbow photo a few weeks back . ) I love walking down that trail , but today , I would not budge . As soon as she started to cut into the woods of the main path , I backed up and hunkered down to the ground . Linda was wearing her earbuds listening to her work music ( not the smartest thing on a trail alone ) so she took them off to see if she heard a dog up ahead . It was quite , so she started walking again this time leaving her music off . I told her not to go , but she picked me up and carried me anyway . Even Chimmie was walking kind of tentatively . About 1 / 2 way down the trail , there was a huge , loud crash in the woods to our right , and we heard a bunch of splashing through the stream . We scared up a whole passel of deer ! I HATE deer . They scare the fur off me . I could smell them and that is why I did not want to go . The whole way back I would not walk so she had to carry me . Next time she 'll listen to me . If all these deer came into my yard , I would have a heart attack . I love that Linda does not teach her 11 : 30 and 12 : 30 class on Mondays anymore . That means after her 9 : 30 Body Pump class is done , she does not have to go back out for her next class until 4 : 00 ! She said she went really heavy with the weights , so now her arms are too tired to walk us . I know that sounds weird , but she has too carry us both across all the streets . When we cross the streams , she has to balance on stepping stones while she is carrying us , never a safe thing to do when your arms are exhausted . She 'll recover in an hour or so and then we will go out . For now , she is going to devote some time to studying her new routine . Chimmie is about 10 seconds away from spending the next hour outside because every 10 seconds he is dropping different toys on Linda 's lap . Ugh ! I had a very un - restful sleep last night . Since Linda took an hour nap around 3 : 00 on Sunday , it threw off her sleep pattern when we turned off the light for bed . Both Chim and I were tired from our late night walk , so we were ready to turn in . Chim even pulled out his bed from his den and dragged it to the couch so he could go to sleep . Linda just picked him up in his bed and carried the whole kit - and - caboodle into his room . He went right down , not a peep . I snuggled under the covers too once she put me in the Big Bed . She fell asleep quick , but then woke up an hour later and was awake until the birds started chirping early this morning . I think overall we slept about 2 hours right before the alarm went off . Even her dreams were not restful . She was dreaming there was a virus that turned people into zombies and the first outbreak had been confirmed . In her dream , she put me in her backpack ( not Chip or Chimmie ) and started for the hills . She ran into her boss from work , and he took her to someones house who had zombie protection . When she took me out of the backpack , I had turned into a melted ice cream sandwich . She put me in the freezer to try and revive me . How weird is this ? When I googled " zombie with an ice cream sandwich " my computer detected the photo I chose had a virus ! RUN for the hills ! ! Yesterday 's planned rest day for Linda turned out to an all work day cleaning the house . Instead , she decided to take the day off today . For 6 hours between church services , she did not do any chores , any studying and she never turned the TV on . All she did was , read , have some quite time and we all even took a short nap . Before church this evening , she even spent about 20 minutes browsing through the bookstore . The babies in the nursery were very tired and crabby tonight . There were 7 workers for 11 babies ! They all needed their bottles at 8 : 00 and cried loud to let everyone know they were hungry . Noah wasn 't there though . He is on vacation at the beach . It looks like he likes his pool , even though there isn 't any water in it . When Linda got home from church , we ate dinner then she took us for a 30 minute walk . Monday , she has only 3 classes so we might get two walks in if the weather cooperates . Tomorrow , Taylor starts his new job . I hope he makes friends and gets promoted to a VP in no time at all ! We did another walk this evening , this time we went on the wooded trail . Chim did not try to poo , but he does not seem to be in any pain and is acting normal . He ate all his dinner and tried to finish off my bowl too . We 'll see what tomorrow brings . It 's been a wonderful half - day off for Linda . She finally got her rest time in . After cleaning the house , doing a bunch of laundry , studying her routines , and of course taking us on our long walk . . . she finally settled down to read and watch her Netflix . It 's like TV / Movies whenever you want it . Most of her friends have something called TiVo and On Demand , but we don 't have that . For Linda , Netflix is just fine . I love when she goes downstairs to watch TV . It 's a giant long couch and all of us can fit on it . Chip lays by her feet , I tuck under her arm and Chim lays by her tummy . It was all great until she turned out the light to come upstairs . Chim forgot Chip Cat was laying there and ran over her in the dark . There was a bunch of hissing - fur flying - yelping going on . Both of them were just scared , no one got hurt . Now it 's time for the Big Bed . Noah looks like he likes driving Sarah 's new jeep . This heading might be true if Chim does not get with the program . Linda is pulling her hair out over him and his antics . He is the sweetest , most lovable , adorable pooch ever . But he is as dumb as rocks . And wood . We are convinced that Chimmie is trying to commit suicide through chewing . Thursday after the deck steps were finished , Linda and Paul made sure to clean up every single shred of splintered wood and throw it in the trash . Everyone knows that Chim has a love affair with chewing stuff . Wood , carpet , toys , and just about anything he can pick up in his mouth . Since Paul bought his car and not his truck , he did not cart away the giant pieces of old step . Instead , they piled them up by the gate to deal with later . Bad idea . VERY bad idea . Not only did Chimmie break off huge pieces to chew , but some might have gotten stuck in his intestines . During our walk , he was screaming and crying trying to poop . Linda had no idea what the heck was going on with him . When we got back , she checked around the deck and this is what he had in his outside bed . She is praying if there is a blockage , it will dissolve . She covered up all the wood , but she does not think it will totally deter him from getting to it . Later on , she is going to move it all to the front yard so he does not end up dead as a doornail . Let 's see , it 's now 3 : 15 p . m . Linda got home at 1 : 20 and she has already vacuumed the whole house , scrubbed the kitchen , foyer and three bathroom floors AND shampooed the carpet upstairs and in the downstairs family room . She also wiped down the kitchen and all three bathrooms . Oh , and did a load of laundry . What happened to relaxing ? When the heck is our walk in the woods ? Um . . . . LUNCH anyone ? ? ? She said she is on a roll and might as well keep going . At least Tier and Emily are having fun . They went with a whole passel of folks to a Nat 's game . They are probably the two prettiest girls there . ( If Sarah is there , make that three ! ) Besides teaching 3 classes , Linda has absolutely no plans for today . Some people might be antsy about that , but not Linda . The prospect of having 10 hours that are not scheduled with somewhere she has to be , or something she has to do is wonderful . There are so many possibilities . If it 's nice weather , a trail walk is definitely happening . She might devote 1 / 2 hour to cleaning the house and 1 / 2 hour to laundry , but she said no more than that . She 'll study her routines for a bit , and who knows what else ? She did not get a chance to really walk around the huge festival yesterday , so maybe she 'll take Chim and I over there today for a bit . I 'll ride in the front pack and Chim can walk . He needs to get used to crowds sooner or later . If the grass dries out , maybe she 'll mow and weed the flower bed . There is a good possibility she 'll find a good book , lawn chair , diet coke , sunglasses and park herself on the deck for a few hours ! ( The news article said that this giant turtle could eat the little Chi if it was hungry . I thought turtles were vegetarians ? ) It 's always been a mystery to Linda how Chimmie could possibly be 100 % Chihuahua . Although she saw his parents and they were pure Chi , he is three times the size of them and he is only 10 months old . She came across this photo of the Inca Orchid dog . They were originally worshiped as far back as 750 A . D . Peruvian folklore says that hugging these dogs can cure all sorts of medical problems . They almost became extinct , but are now being breed and surviving . Tell me this dog does not look exactly like Chimmie if he was shaved ! The body style , ears , eyes , nose . long legs . . . it is his twin . Linda said she is going to make Chimmie lay on her back tonight and see if her back feels better . It 's 8 : 30 p . m . and Linda is finally home ! I was barking so loud when she walked in the door that I had a little choking fit . Chimmie was excited too since he has been stuck in his den for 4 1 / 2 hours without a break . He was a good boy and did not have an accident while she was working . Before she did anything , she fed us our dinners since we were both starved . Breakfast was 10 hours ago . Growing dogs need their nutrition ! The TKD demo went OK . It started pouring about 2 minutes after she started , so all the kids had to take cover under a tent . They waited 10 minutes for the rain to let up and started again . Anytime Linda does a demo , she kicks extra high and goes extra hard on her punches . I hope she did not hurt herself . As soon as one of the Moms emails her photos , I 'll post them . . . until then here is a photo of me having a bad hair day . What in the world was Linda think letting me get so scruffy ? I can 't believe I looked so bad . Check out this beauty ! ( It 's Chimmies favorite crayon color too , Fire Engine Red ! ) No , it 's not ours , we still have our cute red Kia Soul . This Jeep is Sarah 's and Taylor 's . Sarah has wanted one forever . They both sold ( or are selling ) their motorcycles and bought this instead . Linda is beyond happy they got rid of the bikes . It always made her nervous when they rode them . This Jeep has a big winch thing on the front in case Linda ever gets the Kia stuck in a snow bank . It could pull her right out ! As soon as they drive it over to our house , I 'll get a picture with me sitting on that giant tire . Linda is scheduled to do a big TKD demo at the local Town Center tonight with one of her TKD schools . Thousands and thousands of people will be attending the festival , she hopes for the kids sake that there will be a good crowd watching them perform . These are some of the kids who will be showing off their kicks . They are holding pieces of paper with their new belt ranks written on them . The belts were held - up in shipping , and she had nothing to pass out at the award ceremony . You can tell by their faces that they didn 't care , they were all so happy to get promoted . If it is raining , the demo will be canceled and she 'll get to go to Family Night . Either way , we are stuck at home and will miss all the fun . The mystery of the bright red poop has been solved . Last month , Linda found some poop from Chimmie that was bright red . I mean red as Radical Red . So red , that it could not have been blood because it would have been Brick Red . It would come and go . Sometimes the poo would be normal , then the next week it was reddish again . Today , Linda finally figured out what was going on . She took a break from building the new deck steps to scoop the back yard . Sure enough , there was a pile of bright Radical Red poop . . . . then a Cerulean poop . . . and a Carnation Pink poop . . . . WHAT THE HECK ! Suddenly , she had a light bulb moment . Earlier in the week she found this chewed up crayon on the downstairs carpet . Chim found a box of 64 - Crayola crayons and had been eating them one by one ! She checked with Crayola , and the crayons are non - toxic . If he did not chew it and gulped it whole , then it could become lodged in his intestines but he has been acting fine . She found the stash on the floor in a storage closet and cleaned them up . The new deck steps are done ! It took just a tad over 2 hours to tear down the old steps and install the new ones . Once Linda got the hang of hammering the nails straight in , it went much faster . She did not know you are not supposed to hold the hammer that close to the top . Once she learned how to hold it , the nails did not require so much banging . There wasn 't one injury either ! Chim and I stayed on the deck for the demolition , but once she cleaned up the mess , Chim was allowed to play in the back . Every time Paul would bend down to cut something or pick up a tool , Chim would shove the ball into his hand . The job would have been even faster if they did not have to keep throwing the ball for him to chase ! Linda said she hopes Paul is still coming to help her with the deck steps . It seems to be sprinkling off and on . Not a downpour , just a little rain . On the plus side , it 's chilly out . We did not take our walk because I HATE the rain . Chim is fine with it , but the second I get wet paws I do the carry - me look immediately . Linda is amazing the way she can tell what I want just by my body language or facial expressions . She read an article yesterday in one of the on - line newspapers that the scientist have figured out that dogs are somewhat telepathic . Linda has always had strong connections to all of the pets ( now I 'm not saying shes a pet psychic or anything ) and has been able to read our moods or tell when we are sick . She knew Lickey ( the black cat ) had a tumor by the way Lickey licked her hand and showed her the body part he wanted rubbed ( hence the name Lickey ) even before the vet told her . Lickey was a huge Linda licker and he did it the same way every time . The day he changed how he did it , Linda knew Lickey 's licking days were short . Snickers told her he did not want to go on in pain and his time on earth was over . You can see them having a great conversation . Look how big he was ! Linda was having to carry him up and down the deck steps to go to the bathroom because his back legs no longer worked so good . She can hear all my thoughts , all the time . Chimmie , not so much . He is so self - absorbed and crazy that the only thing she hears is " play with me now " and a brick wall could hear that . Tomorrow , Linda is getting all new steps on our deck . Some steps are literally falling off . When Linda carries us down at night to go use the outside pee - pee pad , she is so scared they are going to break and she 'll tumble to the bottom . Today Paul bought all the parts and did the cutting , drilling and got everything ready to install . Linda is going to help him as much as she can , but she will probably just get in the way . They are going to tear it all down and start from scratch . Paul is worried that Chimmie will hurt himself , so he wants to get it done ASAP . ( I 'm sure he cares if Linda falls down too , but Linda thinks he 's really thinking of Chim 's safety . ) For some reason , our beautiful grass died . One day it was green and it seems like the next day it was dead . The people next door ( not Paul , he waters his grass every day ) and across the street NEVER water their grass and it is still green . Linda is stumped to why it died off so fast . We have a new sprinkler system that will make it easy for us to water the entire lawn and flowers too . One day Linda is going to put it in the back yard to see if Chimmie likes to run and play in the water . I think he will based on how quickly he jumped right into the streams the other day . I bet this will be exactly what Chimmie does to the sprinkler . As soon as she tries it out back , we will take lots of photos of him playing in it . ( P . S . At least our backyard looks way better than this one ! ) I am a 5 - year old Chorkie . A Chorkie is half Chihuahua and half Yorkie . I used to weigh 1 1 / 2 pounds , now I am a whopping 6 . 2 pounds . I 'm trying to lose weight , but it is an uphill battle . I live with Linda , my human and Chimmie the Chihuahua .

2 : . . . to Thomas Lonsdale Allen and Ruby Williams . She is the youngest of 8 children : George Kenneth was born August 27 , 1900 . He went by Kenneth . Lillian Roweine was born April 22 , 1903 . She went by Roweine . Lester William was born April 26 , 1906 . He went by Les . Thomas Raymond was born June 7 , 1908 . He went by Ray . Josephine was born February 3 , 1910 . She went by Jo . Lucille was born September 5 , 1911 . She went by Lucille . Ruby June was born June 9 , 1913 . She went by June . 3 : 1 . The Beginning I was born three days after Christmas in 1917 . I don 't remember too much about Provo , except a couple of things . My dear oldest sister , Roweine , was like a second mom to me . People would ask her why she didn 't get married and have a family , and she 'd say , " Why should I have a family ? I 've raised these 8 kids . " But I was one more than she wanted . When Roweine heard that Mom got pregnant again , she just shook her head . I came along 4 years after June , so of course , she thought she was through raising kids . Roweine liked to read and Mom had a big leather rocker . And Mom would put me in the rocker on a pillow when I was about 6 months old , that next summer , when it was a wash day and she would tell Roweine to make sure I was okay . Roweine said , " So , I 'm reading and you 'd start to fuss and I 'd push you in the rocker . back and forth , back and forth , and pretty soon , the back and forth wasn 't enough and you 'd started to cry . So I would just push that chair harder and harder until it rocked so hard and out came pillow and baby and all onto the floor , and the crying stopped . I jumped up and cried , ' Oh my gosh , I 've killed it ! ' So , I picked you up and then I said , ' Oh my gosh , look at this sweet little thing ! ' From then on you were mine ! " Roweine was about 14 or 15 years old then , so you could see that she would be annoyed at having to take care of me , but after that she became just like a second mom to me . | The other thing I remember from when I was only about 3 or 4 years old , was that on Christmas morning , Roweine wouldn 't let us into the Christmas tree until we were all bathed and ready for the day . Then she 'd line us up starting with the littlest one , which was me , and we could march into the room to see our Christmas . 4 : My oldest brother , Kenneth , now there was another coincidence . He , being the oldest , was married to a girl named Inez . So , here comes the last one , and guess who she marries ? A Kenneth . Isn 't that a strange matter ? Kenneth was very handsome . He would come to visit Mom in Salt Lake . He was living in Reno , Nevada at the time . And one year he brought Mom that radio console . She was tickled to death to get a radio that she could sit and listen to . We always had the little head phones and we were thrilled to death to sit and listen to that radio . In the evenings there would be these serial programs to listen to and the only one I remember is ' Only the Shadow knows ' . Everyone would be on the couch except June and Lucille and I and we would be sitting on the floor , listening and using our imagination . Now , isn 't that great ? And people would say , Now , one of these days you 'll be able to see a picture . You won 't just have to listen , you 'll see a picture . " So , you can see how old I am . Les was a great big , husky guy and Mom always relied on him . He was the one , when Mom got sick and had her stroke , who would carry her from her bed to the living room . He was always right there for you if you needed anything . His wife , Mary , had Alzheimer 's , but we didn 't know what it was at the time . She was an absolutely perfect housekeeper . She made beautiful meals and was a great cook . And she got where Les would say , well you haven 't fixed breakfast yet , and she 'd say , " I don 't know how to cook , Les . " Les couldn 't help but be perturbed , but we didn 't understand what was happening to her . Bless her heart . Les was a carpenter . He did carpentry work . Ray was a feisty little guy . He was little compared to Les , not much bigger than Jo . He was a good student , and he whistled like a bird . His friends nicknamed him ' Bird ' . He whistled a lot , whatever he was doing he would whistle . He worked as a dry cleaner . That was his profession . 5 : Josephine worked for a big department store . I was close to her and I loved her . She dressed pretty nice because she got a store discount . She had satin underwear and she 'd press them . And I finally asked her once , " Can I press those ? " So , she taught me how to press the underwear so the seam laid the right way and everything had to be perfect . Roweine ran a little motel in Sacramento , California . She always drove a nice car and she 'd come by to visit . My dear Roweine suffered terribly with backaches . When she 'd come to visit , she 'd be lying on the bed and when you 'd pass the bedroom door , she 'd say , " Inez , would come in a rub my back for a little while ? " It didn 't matter who came by . Mom , June , Lucille , it was always , " Would you come and rub my back for a little while ? " And yet , when that back didn 't bother her , we couldn 't stop her . She 'd say , " Okay , let 's go to the show . " We 'd go the last show of the day , the midnight show , and we 'd buy pistachios and eat them during the show . She was the most fun person to be with , absolutely full of life . When she 'd come she 'd give us perms . She 'd trained as a beautician , so she 'd trim our hair if it needed it and give us home perms , especially June and I . Of course , Lucille didn 't need perms because she had hair like Mom 's , curly and always beautiful . She 'd go up to Backers Bakery and buy these delicious cinnamon rolls and we 'd engorge ourselves on them and I still love them . When she 'd come to visit , she 'd come to see Kenny and I on Navajo Street about 7 or 8 o ' clock in the morning and you 'd hear this car coming down the street honking , and we 'd would say , " Roweine 's coming , Roweine 's coming . " And sure enough , she 'd be pulling into the driveway ! 6 : I 've always loved June but I always felt like she treated me like I was a child , like she thought I wasn 't very smart . She still treats me like that . We 've had some good times , but maybe there was a little competition between us . It has been a strange relationship . Before she got married , when there were just the two of us living at home , she would go to the Friday night dances , and she would never let me go with her . I was old enough to go , and I would never go on my own , but I never got to go with her . | Most of my older brothers and sisters didn 't graduate from high school . I think June was the first one in our family to graduate from high school . So , that 's why I graduated . I thought , " June 's not going to be the only one in this family to graduate from high school . " | friend 's house . But , bless her heart , her first job , she worked as an usher at a theater . And her first paycheck she brought me this cute little dress with matching panties . So , I never forgot that , you know she didn 't have anything . So that was something very special . We were really close after that . We worked together , we worked different places together . She was a special lady to me . | Lucille was kind of cross with me . She was 6 years older than me and she kind of had a hard life . Jo always dressed so beautifully and Lucille was working at American Linen and she didn 't make very good money . She wasn 't mean with me , but I didn 't want to be around her alone . One time when Mom went out , and she hardly ever went out , but this time she told me , " Inez , you don 't need to do the dishes . The older girls can do them . " I 'm about 12 , and Lucille decides I 'm going to do the dishes . And I said , " Mom said I didn 't need to do the dishes . " And Lucille started for me and I ran out of the house and went over to my 7 : I lived in Provo until I was 4 years old . From there we moved to an apartment in Salt Lake City . Mom left my Dad . Dad was a good carpenter . Mom always said , " Dad would do anything in the world for anybody in the neighborhood , except for me or the family . " So , Mom raised us and was responsible for us . It was kind of scrimpy living at times . Everybody was just barely hanging on , this was in the late 20s , during the Depression . After we lived in that apartment for a while , then she rented a big house and took in roomers and boarders and she 'd cook for them . She 'd prepare their breakfast and dinners . We had two older men living with us . We usually had 2 or three boarders . And it was big enough we could all live downstairs . There was a big back porch and we slept there . We lived there until I went to junior high school . About that time , Lucille and June were working . June worked at a drive - in where they 'd serve hamburgers . Lucille said to June , " Mom needs to quit working this hard . Let 's talk Mom into giving | up this place and let 's all move into an apartment . " So , we moved to a tiny apartment on 3rd East between 3rd and 4th South . Mom quit working and Lucille and June picked up the bills . From then on it was move , move , move . Someone would say , " Why do you move so often ? " And Mom would say , " I think it 's easier to move than to pay rent . " But sadly , in one of the moves we lost the family Bible . It had a lot of pictures and records in it . So , we always felt badly about that . Les and Ray would show up and move us from place to place . After Lucille got married , by then I was working so then June and I picked up the bills . We were always trying to find a place we could afford that was convenient . From that first apartment , we moved down to 6th South and 3rd East and that 's where we were when I started to date Kenny right after high school . 8 : When I was young , I was 4 and a half years younger than June and I always felt like I was in the way . Not by my Mom , but I felt they were all close and doing stuff and I was just this little waif . Mom sewed a lot , made most of my things . I had these little dolls and Mom had a great big oblong table and it had legs that were in a V . And she 'd give me scraps of material and I 'd sit under the table playing with these dolls trying to stay out of everybody 's way . I 'd sit there all afternoon playing with these dolls . I always loved a doll . I always wanted a doll . One thing I do remember about my dad , when I was about 3 or 3 and a half years old , and he came from the front door and he looked at me and said , " Your doll is laying out there by the front door on a chair . You better go take care of her . " So , I went and got her and she had a quarter on each eye . My word , what a thrill ! That 's about the only memory I have of my dad from when I was a child . There were some pretty hot arguments between Jo and Lucille . We lived in crowded space . June and Lucille would argue quite a lot , but it seems like the bad ones were between Jo and Lucille . So , there again , I would just sit under the table and stay out of the way . 9 : 2 . School & Friends My first year of junior high school was at South Junior High . Then through that summer we moved and I had to change schools . So , I started at Bryant Junior High in the fall of 1929 . A couple of weeks into school , my friend Evelyn and I were walking down the hall and the school had these big windows and the windowsill was about waist high and sometimes the kids would lean against the windows . So , after lunch break , we passed this window and there were these 2 or 3 boys were talking and acting smart . Evelyn said , " I wonder what they 're saying . " And I said , " They 're just mouthing off and being smart . Let 's don 't pay any attention to them . " We went down the hall to go to class and these boys followed us . We couldn 't hear what they were saying , but they were following us . So , we just went in and went to class . I sat in the front of the row that was over by the window . And I looked up and saw this little head peeking over the glass in the door into the room . And I thought , " Well , for rude . " So , the next morning , here was this same little guy in our class and the teacher introduced him as a new student in our class . And there sat Kenny . Then when we started dating he told me about seeing me that day and how he had said to his buddies , " There goes the girl I 'm gonna marry . " He later told me , " Yes , we followed you down the hall , I had to know where you were going . " | And his buddy said , " You don 't want go in there . That 's Miss Rosser 's room . She 's the toughest teacher in the whole school . " She was an English teacher and she was tough . You better put the dots and the commas in the right places . So , anyway , the next morning here 's Kenny . And I thought , " That 's the kid that was looking in the window ! " From then on , he kind of followed us around . This Miss Rosser , she was older and strict , but she was kind . And she had us ask our parents for permission to take us up the canyon for a weenie roast . Oh my ! What a treat ! Most of us had never been up the canyon or anywhere . I re10 : My activities would only include what the gym classes were doing . I played tennis a bit . I was a pretty good tennis player and baseball . I was a good runner . I could outrun anybody . I did love to play tennis , but I wasn 't too with my backhand and we would play during the summer on the tennis courts at the school . In high school , it was during the Depression and no one had anything . I owned one dress to wear to school . Every day when we got home , I 'd change into my casual dress to save the one school dress . I may have had two , but I only remember the one , because I didn 't like it . ( The one in the picture by the piano ) . And our underwear , our bra and panties , we 'd wash every night . We never had any extra , but you didn 't feel badly because most people were in the same boat . When I graduated , Roweine came to take me shopping . I couldn 't decide whether I wanted this plain white shirtwaist dress or this pink cotton lace with a taffeta underskirt . She finally said to the lady , " We 'll take them both . " So , then I got two new dresses . So , you young people should all be happy to have a change of underwear for the next day . | One boy I dated was George . Evelyn was dating his friend , Wilfred , and so Evelyn would say to me , " If George asks you to go out , you go with him . " So , George would come and we would walk downtown . George was a big husky guy . He treated me like gold . I 'd go out with him , and when I got home , my mom would say , " I wish you 'd go out more with that nice little Kenny Baker . " And I 'd say , " Well , I can 't go out with him if he doesn 't ask me . " So , I don 't think Mom liked George . I think Mom thought George would take advantage of me . But George never offered anything but to hold my hand . He was just protective of me . One time he came to visit and we sat out on the front porch and he said , " I 'm leaving tomorrow . I 'm going out to California . " And he sat and he sang to me ' Red River Valley ' . It was kind of a sentimental song , ' I 'll be thinking of you ' . When he left he said , " Can I k11 : For most of my friends , we were together through elementary school . We started to split apart a little bit in junior high and then got back together at West High to graduate . There were the four of us who were like the four musketeers . There was Evelyn , Brit , Louella , and me . They were good friends . We would always meet on one corner , all those years . I dated a few boys off and on through high school . They didn 't often ask for a second date . I had a crush in high school on these two football players . They were buddies and inseparable , whenever you 'd see one you 'd see the other . One was named Farrell Lish , and he would come and look me up and we would walk the school halls together . In those days , you didn 't date . Nobody had any money to date . In fact , Kenny didn 't graduate from high school , because he wanted to get a job so he could date . So , he dropped out a couple of months before the end of school and went to night school to get his diploma . 12 : 3 . Work Experiences After high school , during that summer of 1935 , I got my first job at ZCMI . I met Ann Duehlmeir , who was a close friend of mine and who also lived in Taylorsville when we moved there . We wrapped packages that were to be delivered to customers and were taught to break the twine with our hands . One day on a lunch break when neither of us had a dime , I asked Ann to come home with me . When we arrived my Mom had to admit that there was nothing in the house she could offer us to eat . Both my Mom and I were humiliated and Ann was embarrassed . I never asked friends to my home nor was I ever comfortable entertaining after that . My ZCMI job was just a temporary position , so my friend Evelyn , and I went to AT & T to interview for a job . I was asked if I could reach the top row and corner of the switchboard . I found I could reach it , if I jumped off the stool ! Evelyn could easily reach the corners and so she got the job . Evelyn stayed at AT & T through her entire career and rose through the ranks . She ended up very well - off due to the AT & T stock , but she never had a family like mine . 13 : Les knew a couple of attorneys , who were brothers , and they were looking for a secretary . I was a good secretary since I excelled in shorthand and typing . So , I went up and applied and got the job at the attorney 's office . The receptions desk was right by the front door and their offices were on either side of me . I worked there several months . I loved to take shorthand , but I got to where when they would ring their bell for me to come and take their dictation , I 'd think " I don 't want to take your dictation ! " But I would and then I 'd type it up and quite often I 'd have to take it down to the City and County building to file their reports . And on the way I 'd hear this whistle , " Hi Inez ! " And guess who it was ? Kenny Baker , wheeling over to the curb ! He had a job delivering for Denver Fire Clay and he delivered on his bike . So , we 'd talk a few minutes . These attorneys were good attorneys but kind of rough guys , so I quit that job . Then I worked for a neighbor who had a linen shop . And oh , I loved walking into that linen shop , such beautiful laces and linens . I couldn 't afford to buy anything , but they were beautiful . There was another gal who worked with us sometimes and the shop owner often would ask her to drive up to Ogden with him to a meeting . One time he asked me and I was scared to death coming home . I 'd heard one of the other guys say , " Where did you pick this one up ? " And I thought , " Oh , I don 't like the sound of this . " So , I sat by the door and I thought , " You make one move to touch me and this door is coming open . Sixty miles an hour or not , I 'm out of here . " But he finally dropped me off at the shop , and so I quit that job . I thought , " I 'm not going to go through that again ! " | So from there I started to work at American Linen with June and Lucille . Lucille worked in the office and June and I counted dirty table linen and overalls the men would wear . I worked with a couple of gals named Fran and Eve and they were married . But when Kenny and I got married , Cass , the guy over me s14 : 4 . First Date | After high school , I was dating a fellow named Tony . He lived above a motel on Main Street with his mother and his brother . And he took me to meet them , and his mother told me that I would need to wear a lot of satin , because Tony loved satin . And I thought " Now that 's strange thing to say . " Tony and his buddy had taken a trip to California and he told me laughingly that on his way back he and his friend had been arrested for speeding . So , I thought , " Oh , I don 't like the sound of this . " Well we didn 't really date , we would usually just take walks somewhere . There was a park not far away and we 'd just walk and sit on the benches and talk . And this one night he got pretty fresh and tried to take advantage of me . I jumped up and said , " No " . And he said , " Why not ? We 're going to get married ! " And I thought , " No , we aren 't going to get married . " So , on the way home I said , " I 'm sorry Tony , but I don 't want to see you any more . " So , I kind of quit seeing him . Then about two weeks later Kenny happened to call . " This is Kenny Baker and I was wondering if you 'd be willing to go out with me to a show or something . " Lucille had answered the phone and said , " Oh , oh , Inez has got a boyfriend . " That was the first phone call and he asked for a date for Saturday . All these other guys I 'd dated had always just picked me up dressed in their regular school clothes . But when I opened the door , there stood Kenny in a nice suit , with a shirt and tie , and his shoes polished up like glass . When we went out he opened the car door for me like a gentleman , and away we went . I found out later it was his car . I was wearing this cute dress Roweine had bought for me for my high school graduation . It was cotton lace with see - through sleeves and it had a taffeta underskirt . We decided we wanted to go see this show at the Paramount Theater . We couldn 't find a parking place because the show was such a hot running show . So , we had to park 3 blocks away and he pulled in and said , " Do you mind wa16 : Kenny worked for Denver Fire Clay and not far from there was an Italian restaurant called Frank Scallioni 's . Sometimes he 'd call and say , " I have to work late and they 're going to buy my dinner . So , if you want to come and meet me , I 'll buy your dinner . " So , I 'd walk up there and we 'd go to dinner and guess what we 'd have ? We 'd have spaghetti ! That 's where our spaghetti dinners came from . I had a pretty good size family . Every time Kenny would come there would be someone else in my family for him to meet . And one night he said , " You 're going to meet my family just like I 've met your family . . one at a time . " And I did . 17 : Looking back on my life , I can think of a lot of times , as I look at it now and can see how God was protecting me . There were lots of times when I came so close to having these guys coming after me , and I have thought how God was protecting me . I feel like I have been blessed so much through my life and I give thanks for that every day . 18 : 5 . Courtship and Marriage Kenny and I dated on and off over the years between 1935 when I graduated from high school until 1939 . We were both working . | Mom liked him and when he 'd come over she 'd say , " Would you like a piece of chocolate cake ? " " Oh , yes , I would . " She always had a cake on Sundays . And he would have a piece of cake with some chocolate milk . So , he fell in love with my mom , and he was always so good to her . When we 'd date , if it was on New Year 's Eve and Lucille and June were also out , he 'd say , " Mom , would you like to go out to Aunt Clare 's ? We could take you out to Aunt Clare 's . " He 'd hate to leave her home alone , so often we 'd take her there before we went out on our date . That meant a lot to me . He was really thoughtful with my mom and my sisters . 20 : One time while we were still dating , Kenny picked me up from work and we went to a café and ordered a few drinks . By the time I got home , it was pretty obvious I 'd had too much to drink . Mom was shocked and Roweine was there and she said , " Mom , don 't you worry about it . I 'll take care of it . " So , she drew me a hot bath and got me in the tub and sobered me up , because we were going out again that evening . So , I never was a drinker , that 's for sure . | There was a dance hall called The Old Mill Club and it was an old paper mill . They would play live dance music . I was dating Kenny and we went there with two other couples . We had a few drinks , and when the intermission came someone said , " The musicians are gone on their break . Let 's go up there and play on their instruments . " So help me , we did ! We climbed up on that platform , Kenny went to the piano . I don 't know what the others did , but I went for the drums . So , I played around on the drums for a while , and when the musicians came back , they were great . They didn 't mind one bit , in fact they got a kick out of us being out there having fun . So , I always loved the drums after that ! 21 : Mom and I took the bus and went down to visit with Jo in Reno , Nevada one time in the middle of the summer in 1939 . We were going to stay a while , and we were only there about a week or so when all of a sudden , Kenny shows up with Keith and he said , " I came to get Inez . " So , Mom let me go with him since Keith was with us . Before we left to go home , we were out touring the countryside around Reno and he said , " I guess we ought to decide on a date and get married . " That was the big proposal ! He said , " You pick the date . " And I said , " Well , I 've always loved September , so September 1 . " 22 : When we announced our engagement , Erma ( Kenny 's sister ) offered for us to have the wedding at her new house . She said , " Kenny has always been special to me , and I want you to get married here . " My sisters had a fit , especially Jo . Jo said , " Well , that isn 't proper . It 's the bride 's family who should hold it . " And Mom said , " Well , you know we can 't afford it and none of us have room for a wedding . You leave this girl alone . She 's been offered to have this nice wedding . Now , let it be . " So , that 's where we got married . I had a little seamstress that altered things for me and she said she would make my wedding dress . I bought the material , this pretty white material , and she made my wedding dress and I bought all nice , new white underwear , and Roweine bought me a beautiful nightgown . And Mom and Lucille and June bought us our silverware , which I still have . Lucille gave me a bridal shower . On our wedding day , June stood up with me and Erma provided a nice lunch . 24 : We had this little apartment with just a small living room and a kitchen and a bathroom . And the bed was a roll - away bed you 'd roll away into the closet . So , at night , you 'd roll the bed out right into the living room . The apartment was located up on ' P ' street . Two nights after we were married , the doorbell rang and it was June . Josephine was in town with her oldest child and she was pregnant with her second child . And June said , " Ken ( Ellsworth , Jo 's husband ) has been in a bad accident and Jo needs to get home ( to Reno , Nevada ) . Do you think you and Kenny could drive her home ? " So , Kenny said , " Sure , we can . " So we took our honeymoon driving to Reno with Jo and June . June went with us because she was going to stay with Jo until we found out about Ken . 25 : One night Kenny and I got in a little argument . I got mad and I took off walking from ' P ' street which was just above South Temple and Mom lived on 6th South and 3rd East . So , I was walking along late at night and all of a sudden I felt this car creeping along side the curb . I thought , " This makes me a little bit nervous . " When I got to the corner , I had to cross the street to get to a service station . So , I thought , " I 'll just get over there and call Kenny to come and get me . " We didn 't have a phone , but you could call the landlady and she 'd come and get us to answer the phone . So , I 'd start to run and he 'd speed up and I 'd run back and he 'd back up to stay right with me . Finally , he backed up one time and he got stopped by a red light at the intersection . So , I ran across to the service station and I asked if I could use the phone , and the man there said , " You can , or I 'll take you home . " So , he called the police and the police came and took me home . When I was twelve there had been a girl who had been murdered right along that street . That night , I was completely aware of that driver and that he wasn 't going to let me cross the street . So see , there again , I was being guarded . 26 : I always have felt that Kenny and I were destined to be man and wife . One reason was because of how I moved into his school , Bryant Elementary . And then after we were married , for every Decoration day , we would go to Provo because Kenny 's mother was buried in Provo and his sister Thelma would have a nice dinner for everyone . One time we were driving down the street in Provo with Dad Baker and he said , " Inez , if we had stayed in Provo that is the house we would have lived in . " By then we were at the other end of the street , and I turned around and said , " Well , Dad Baker , if we had stayed in Provo , that 's the house I was born in . " So , these two houses were within the same block , not even a street between them . So , if we 'd have both stayed in Provo , we would have still ended up together . 27 : Kenny still worked for Denver Fire Clay and of course , I had lost my job . We lived in that apartment for a while and then moved into an apartment closer to Mom . It was the same living arrangement , with a living room , a kitchen , a bathroom and a roll - away bed . That 's where we lived when Pearl Harbor hit in December 1941 . That 's when I got pregnant with Pam . There were lots of babies born that next year . Pam was born in August of 1942 , so about 9 months after Pearl Harbor . We still lived there when Patricia was born in 1944 . We lived there until Kenny got hired by the Civil Service and then we moved up to Layton . 28 : out in a day or two and he called me and said " We are being shipped out . Why don 't you come down ? " When he told me they were being shipped out , that was one of the first times I actually got down on my knees and prayed , " Please don 't let him get hurt . " So , I went down on the train with Pam and Tricia , who was still in diapers , to Sacramento where Roweine picked me up and took me down to meet Kenny . Because of his background at Denver Fire Clay handling dangerous chemicals , he was pulled out of his platoon and he was assigned to ordnance and supplies at Ford Ord instead of being shipped out . He would distribute uniforms and boots and weapons to the soldiers . So , I was there when he got pulled out and I felt he was protected . He was made a Sergeant and then made a Staff Sergeant by the time he was discharged . His platoon was sent to Guadalcanal , one of the bloodiest and most strategic campaigns of the war . | 6 . The War Years | Kenny was drafted into the Army in October 1944 . We were living in Layton at the time . Kenny was a buck private and the first badge he got was for being a sharpshooter . Kenny also got picked to carry the flag for his platoon which was a special honor . He took his basic training at Camp Fannin in Texas for six weeks . He hated Camp Fannin and used to say , " Camp Fannin is the only place where you can stand knee deep in mud and have dust blow in your eyes . " And then he was transferred to Fort Ord in California , where he took more training and prepared to be shipped out . In 1945 , his platoon was to be shipped 30 : He was stationed at Ford Ord , and when he had asked me come down , he had found a place for us to rent from a Mrs . Gilford . It was a cottage she owned next to her house . But by the time we got there , the soldier who had been living in the cottage had reenlisted and wasn 't going to be moving out . So , when we got there Mrs . Gilford just shook her head and said , " I swore I would not do this again , but I do have a little place over the garage for living quarters . It doesn 't have running water or a refrigerator , but there 's a little kitchen and a big room that has a bed and a cot . If you want to , I will let you use that . " So , that 's where we lived . She had a washroom outside her back door and she said , " The rinse tubs are kept nice and clean and you can bring the babies down and bathe them there and you are welcome to use my bathroom . " Kenny would use the showers over at the Fort . The kitchen was a table , a couple of chairs , a gas stove and a little cubby hole in the wall to store milk and butter . It was cool enough down in the Monterey area to be able to do that . So , we lived up in that room for a while and finally one of the soldiers who lived on the end of the street move out and then we rented that house . And We lived there for 2 years . But that little Mrs . Gilford , she must have been in her 70s , and every once in a while she 'd run a stick along the railing on the porch and call out and say , " Hot cakes are ready , come down and bring the babies and have some breakfast . " So , bless her heart , she was such a sweet thing . 31 : Kenny was discharged in 1946 . When we got back home , we stayed a few days with Mom and June . Then Dad Baker said they had an extra bedroom , why didn 't we stay with them . So , we did stay with them for a few months . Then right after Christmas in 1946 , Kenny told me that Glen Steffensen ( his brother - in - law ) , had found a little house he thought we could arrange to get . So , if I wanted to , let 's go look at it . So , we went and looked at it , and I thought , " I am going to have a house ? ! " This teeny little 4 - room house seemed like a mansion to me . None of my family had ever owned their own home . That 's when we moved to 309 Navajo Street just before New Year 's Eve 1946 . Our neighbors came over on New Year 's Eve and said , " Welcome to the neighborhood . We take turns having a New Year 's party at each other 's house , and we 'd like you to come . " And I said , " But I have 2 | Down from Monterey , there was a great big bay and all the soldiers would go down there with their wife and kids to play on the beach and have a picnic . One time , when Tricia was about two years old , we were sitting there when all of a sudden Tricia was missing . She was standing down by the ocean , standing too close to the ocean and this wave comes in and grabs Tricia and rolls her out into the ocean . And I screamed , " Oh my baby ! ! " And you wouldn 't believe it , but every man in that cove got up , like a big wave of men in their uniforms , to go out and grab that baby and they saved her and brought her back . I dug sand out of her eyes , ears and nose for weeks . So , that was another blessing of protection . I keep thinking , " Where much is given , much is expected and you better shape up ! " | children . " And she said , " We all have children . We just lock the doors and the guys take turns running around checking on everyone 's kids to make sure everything okay . So , come on over and spend some time with us . " So , we did . That was a good welcome into the neighborhood , and it really was a special little neighborhood . I 've always been grateful for that32 : Kenny 's sisters seemed to think of us as west - siders , since we lived on the west side of town . But really , it was one of the best places to live . Our kids were all happy . People up and down the street knew us and we watched out for one another . After the war , we went back to try to find the little Italian restaurant we ate at when we were dating , Frank Scallioni 's , and it was gone . That was when Kenny decided to try to match his recipe and that started our tradition of spaghetti dinner on Saturday nights . When we first moved in , we didn 't have the money to put screens on the windows . So , one night , I was sleeping by an open window . We 'd pull it up about half way for some fresh air . The next morning , an Saturday morning , my brother Lester came by early and we were still in bed when all of a sudden my pillow gets pulled out from under my head . He scared me to death ! And from that experience , when Kenny would travel later on with his job , I would be pretty nervous being home . So , I 'd get all the kids settled down and when I went to bed I 'd get a butcher knife and lay it on the nightstand to protect myself . | Right after Kenny was discharged from the army , he signed up with the National Guard . In the Guard , they would be required to take two weeks for Guard duty . In 1949 , he said , " I guess I 'll get out of the Guard because Guard duty is coming up and I don 't want to leave my job . " So , he was discharged from the National Guard in 1949 . That was the year Shari was born . He had gone back to work with the Civil Service and he worked for War Assets and then there was a position at Hill Field , so he applied for and got that job . So , he would drive every day from our house up to Hill Field Air Force Base in Layton . He car - pooled with three other guys , and Kenny drove the Dodge . 33 : When Shari was born , I was in the hospital and my bed was by the window and they brought this other lady in who was in a bad way from hemorrhaging . I had the chance to talk to the lady and she said , " Yes we have 3 sons , and now we have a baby girl and we are thrilled to death . " Well , they had her all hooked up to tubes and equipment and the nurse said , " We 've got to move her . We don 't want her in here with you since we don 't know what 's going to happen to her . " I said , " Well , for Pete 's sake , can 't you move me ? You don 't need to move all that equipment . " And the nurse said , " Well , this is your room . " And I said , " I don 't care what room I 'm in . " When my dear little Dr . Wood came to see me , he said , " What have you done with my patient ? Where 's Inez Baker ? " So , they told him what had happened and he came down to see me . He complimented me for giving up my room , and when I asked how she was doing he told me she had passed away . So , that made me sad . 34 : 7 . 1946 - 1951 In 1948 , Mom had still been living in that apartment on 6th South . There was a little grocery store about a half block away and they would hand deliver food to her , but Mom wasn 't eating well and , so we all decided Mom couldn 't live alone any longer . So , Kenny and I took her , even though Lucille had a nice apartment . I was pregnant with Shari and one Sunday Les and Lucille came and said , " You 're going to have another baby and so Mom wants to get into another apartment . So , we 'll take her out and get her an apartment . " So , that day they traipsed her around , and then Lucille took her back home with her to give her some lunch . Lucille said , " We were just sitting there having some lunch and Mom started to shake . " And that 's when she had her stroke . It was about March of 1949 . She was in the hospital for a couple of weeks and then Lucille took her home to her place . Over a period of two or three months , June , Jo , and Roweine would all come to | Lucille 's to spend time and help take care of Mom . Les would come up often and Mom would beg him to get her out of that bed . So , he 'd lift her up and carry her into the front room and sit her in a chair . So , I felt Lucille got pretty good help . After that , we put Mom in a care center and I 'd go visit her and she 'd cry and say , " I can 't stand it here . " So , I talked to Kenny and he said , " Well , just bring her home . " So , we brought her home with a hospital bed . We had Shari in the crib in our bedroom , and Pam and Trish in the bunk beds and Mom in her full hospital bed in the bedroom . And she 'd say , " Please call Les and ask him to come and carry me into the front room . " So , I 'd call and he 'd say , " Inez , I can 't do it any more . My back is giving out on me . " And so help me , it 's hard to believe , but Lucille , Jo , Roweine , none of them ever came to help . 35 : Mom seemed to appreciate coming to stay with us . That first morning or two , I fixed some Cream of Wheat and I fed Pam and Tricia and then I took my bowl of Cream of Wheat and my toast and I went in to her room and sat there and ate with her and she said , " Oh , this is so much better , Inez . " But it got where I didn 't do that very often , because there wasn 't time . Sometimes she would cry and say , " I 'm so grateful that baby is such a good baby . Inez couldn 't handle both of us . " A chiropractor would come once a week to exercise her , because she was paralyzed on the left side . Dr . Wood was our doctor and Mom 's doctor and he 'd come over and I 'd be doing laundry . I 'd be washing diapers , or washing bedding on a scrubbing board in the bathtub and then take them outside to hang them on the line , and he 'd come and look me up in the back yard and say , " Inez , you 're going to be dead before your mother . You 've got to do | something . " And I said , " She 's not going back into any nursing home . " And he said , " Well , your sisters need to come and help you . " I was worn to a frazzle . It got to where I could time her about every 20 minutes or so , she 'd call and need some help . So finally June and Ernie came to help . They came on a Sunday . We were pretty hard pressed financially trying to make ends meet , but we got a nice roast to make a nice dinner for June and Ernie . I was just about finished with dinner when June came in to ask a question , and right behind her stood Ernie and he said , " June , look at your sister . You take over , she 's at her wit 's end . " So , I was grateful he could see I needed help . They stayed in a motel , so I still had to take care of Mom in the night . 36 : We had a little nurse , Marie , who would come in 2 or 3 times a week . June and Ernie picked up the tab for the chiropractor and the nurse . Marie was so good to me . She 'd come and say to me , " You go and lay down . " And I 'd say , " There 's no time to lay down . " And she 'd say , " I 'm going to stay an extra hour . " And I 'd complain that we couldn 't afford an extra hour and she 'd say , " I 'm not charging you . Now , you , go lay down . " She 'd bring me vegetables , and I 'd invite her to come and sit down with me to have a cup of coffee sometimes and she would . We finally decided we needed to find another place to go . So , we found this little lady who only had 2 men to take care of in her home and she had two big , healthy sons . So , we decided that would be a good place for Mom and she did take good care of her . But , one time Roweine came and brought these delicious cinnamon rolls and this was the last day Marie was with me . So I said to Roweine , " I want to invite Marie to come and have a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll . " And she said , " You certainly will not . " This wasn 't like Roweine , but she didn 't know Marie , and I didn 't have the gumption to stand up for Marie and say , " Yes , I will . " So , that sweet little Marie left and I never saw her again . That has always bothered me . So , that shows you that you need to have some backbone . But I always backed down to my older sisters , and that day I shouldn 't have . | So , I had Mom living with us from July 4 , 1949 when Shari was just a few months old , until just before I had Marci , so about early February 1951 . I remember taking Marci over to see Mom right after she was born . And it was shortly after we had taken Marci to show her to Mom , that she passed away . She died April 1 , 1951 of a cerebral hemorrhage . But she lived to see all her grandkids . But , I 'm so glad I took Mom and I did the best I could . Bless her heart . 37 : Finally , Kenny got us a washer . It was a wringer washer , and that was a blessing . But before that , the neighbors would laugh and say , " Inez doesn 't have a washer , but she 's got the cleanest kids in the neighborhood ! " Sometimes when Kenny would come home and take one look at me if I was sitting with a fussy baby , either Shari or Marci , and he 'd say , " Go lay down . I 'll feed the kids and get them settled down . " And he 'd take that baby with those big hands of his , and he 'd calm them right down . I don 't know how many times he did that . Every night , of course , there were baths for all 4 of you girls , and Pam and Tricia got their hair pincurled every night . When Marci was born in 1951 , Dr . Wood would come in and check me and he said , " You 're doing fine so I 'm going to go down and have some lunch . He got to the door and I said , " You better be sure before you go . You better come and check me . " So , he checked me and then he said , " Get her to the delivery room fast ! " So , that was Marci 's entrance into this world . 38 : 8 . 1951 - 1960 In 1955 , Dad Baker passed away . Out of all of his kids , it seemed like Kenny was always the one Dad Baker relied on . For any problems or anything he needed done , it was always Kenny he relied on . Before he died , Dad Baker told Kenny he was worried about Wilma , and asked Kenny to be sure to look after Wilma and Minnie ( his stepsister and stepmom ) . And Kenny did . Every year at Christmas time , when I 'd go out shopping he 'd say , " Be sure to pick up a gift for Minnie and Wilma . " Which I would do , and then we would always take them up to them with a nice ham . There was just always something about Kenny , some special quality . | That same year , in 1955 , Pam got really sick . She was in her first year of high school , and she couldn 't keep food down with stomach problems . So many people gave us things to try , but most things didn 't work and she lost a lot of weight . I 'd hold her and talk to her and she 'd say , " Mom , can I have a nice warm bath ? " She 'd sit in that bathtub for so long , and to this day that 's still her favorite thing . She missed a lot of high school and her teachers would send homework home with her friends . She kept up though and graduated with her class . But that was a pretty traumatic time . 39 : In 1958 , Kenny was singled out in his job at Hill Field and given the opportunity to learn computers . Out of a whole group of guys , he was one who got selected . So , that was another indication that he was pretty special . He went on about a 6 weeks tour to get the initial training on his new computer job . So , he got in on that field early on . And then he went several times while Shari and Marci were still little to get further training . He would often go to San Antonio for his training . The new job gave him a better income , but we still struggled to get by . One time , I mentioned to him that I should have some life insurance . And he said , " No , any extra life insurance will be on me , because if you pass away , I 'll be able to do okay . " But that 's when he signed me up on an annuity on his benefits , and that 's why I 've got my financial security now . Bless his heart . He was looking ahead . He was quite a little guy . 40 : For family times , several times through the summer , but always on the 4th and the 24th of July we would always go up to Millcreek Canyon and cook breakfast up there . We had to be there , according to Kenny , before sunrise . So , we were up there early and would be packing up our box of picnic stuff in the dark . Then when we got up there , Kenny would take over and build the fire and get things started and wait for everyone else to come later in the morning . When Pam had Michelle , we bundled her up just a few months old to take her with us . When Tricia had her boys , they would love to go up early with us . Of course , Tricia didn 't like to get up that early , so her boys would come over and stay over night with us to go up early in the morning . Those were great times with lots of good memories . 41 : One of my friends , Peggy Jackson , who lived around the corner from us on Navajo Street moved out to this area . I 'd come out and visit her to keep our friendship going . Sometimes we would all go to Provo to take the kids swimming at Saratoga Springs , and we 'd be on our way back home driving along Redwood Road , I 'd say , " Kenny , look how nice it is out here . " This was only one of the developments out here . With our 4 girls we thought we really needed to move . All 4 of our girls were in one bedroom still and we were just too crowded . So , we 'd come out to look at the homes in this development , and the caretaker would take us around and show us some of the houses . I 'd say , " Let 's go look at that house . " He explained that this house was not for sale because the builder had built it for his daughter . Then one day , he said , " You 've always wanted to go in that house , do you still want to go see it ? " So , I thought I 'd like to at least go in it . So , we walked in and there was the fireplace , and all these rooms and he said , " Well , it 's for sale now . " I found out later that the daughter had been killed in a car accident , so that 's why it was available . We were still pretty strapped financially . Our house payment on Navajo was about $ 48 a month , and our payment out here would be about triple that . So , I went around to ask the neighbors how much their utilities were . We found out we could afford it , so we bought this house at 4406 Ebony Avenue in the summer of 1960 . I just always felt that this was " my house " . Kenny always worked so hard . He put in the sprinkler system himself . He dug all the trenches himself until his hands were bleeding . Then he would come in and wrap his hands and go out and keep digging . I remember seeing him digging under the concrete driveway and he 'd push a pipe connected to the hose trying to get it under the driveway so the sprinklers could go on the other side . And every plant in this yard , he planted . We did have it landscaped so we knew what to buy , and where to put it , but he42 : 6 pm . Kenny and I figured that Pam is home on weekdays by 3 : 00 , I 'd go to work by 4 : 00 and then Kenny would be home by 5 : 00 or 5 : 30 . Then Kenny would take care of things when he got home . That 's when the spaghetti dinners started in full force on Saturdays because he 'd always fix spaghetti dinner so I wouldn 't have to fix dinner when I got home from work . When Michelle was born , Pam was working and Michelle was being cared for by Dave 's mother , but she would just leave Michelle in the crib all day long . And Michelle wasn 't developing properly . So , I quit work to take care of Michelle until Pam and Dave moved to Ogden just before they had Tammy . | I worked for JCPenney 's from about 1954 until 1961 . I always would shop for the girls at Penney 's . They 'd get new shoes to start school and usually at Christmas . The shoe salesman said to me , " When are you going to come and start working for me ? " And I 'd say , " I 'm not going to start working period . " And he 'd say , " Yes , I need you to come and work for me . You go up right now and talk to Mrs . Brown and tell her Dar sent you up there and he wants you come and work for him . " Pam was about 12 and Tricia about 10 . I just headed for the door , and they said , " Oh , come on Mom . At least go up and talk to the lady " and they practically pushed me on the escalator . And Mrs . Brown said , " Yes , we need extra help for Christmas . Can you start right away ? I can 't put you in the shoe department , but Dar is over the Men 's Department . " So , I started working there and reported to Dar and he said , " Well , I need help in the Men 's Department with these two ladies who are hard to get along with . They are both out for blood trying to get sales since they get paid on commission . But that 's where I need extra help for Christmas . " So , I sold socks , underwear , pajamas , robes , and I got along famously with those two ladies . They were just sweet as can be . Then Mrs . Brown decided she would transfer me up to the Ladies Sportswear Department . So , I worked up there until Mic43 : After that , I would sit here with an empty house , all my kids either married or in school . And I found out there was an opening at the Salt Lake Clinic so I went to work there . I worked in the Records Department . My sister , Lucille , was working up at the University of Utah in the Registrar 's Office and she told me , " Lucille Holt is working in Accounts Payable and she wants you to come and work for her . " So , I went and applied for that job and there were two openings . One was running a calculator and totaling receipts . The other one was filled by a lady who started at the same time I did . Her name was Erma and she would work out travel schedules for the professors who needed to travel . So , I 'd run tapes on the receipts and you had to run two tapes and if they didn 't balance you had to go back and find the mistake . Our desks faced each other and so she could see I got nervous and didn 't know what I was doing , and she came over and told me , " Inez , when there 's a mistake , you just take the two receipts and hold them up to the light and you can see where the mistake is . " So , I worked there for a while . Lucille was a member of the University Credit Union and I also became a member because they would deduct a little from your salary and build up a savings account and that sounded good to me . So , one day a few months after I joined , Lucille said to me , " Inez , Eileen wants you to come up and apply for a job , she needs help at the Credit Union . So , I went up and I had to pass inspection with Dr . Cutler , who was over the Credit Union . He asked me , " Are you good with figures ? " I didn 't really get a chance to answer him before me asked me something else , because I never felt I was very good with figures . So , anyway , Eileen called later and said , " Well , you got the job ! " And it was about $ 20 more a month , so of course , I took it and started right away . I worked there until I retired in 1976 . So , I never really had to go look for a job , I was always invited to come and take a job . 44 : 9 . Retirement For our 40th wedding Anniversary , in 1979 , the girls decided to have an open house to celebrate it . One of the girls mentioned that they had been thinking of planning a 50th wedding anniversary , but someone had told them , " No , you should celebrate a 40th anniversary because my parents didn 't make it to their 50th . " So , that 's why we had a big celebration for our 40th . We had it here at our house and we wanted to invite people from our old neighborhood and from work and so forth . Well , our house had a sidewalk and a front porch . At the open house , we had people all over the house , out on the patio , out on the front porch , out on the lawn with their refreshments . The next morning we were talking about it and I said , " Sometimes I just wish I could knock this wall out so we could have more room in our kitchen . " And Kenny thought about it for a while and said , " We probably could do that if you 're willing to give up your front porch . " By this time , Kenny had retired , but I was still working . So , one day I came home from work a few days later and here he is outside with a big sledge hammer knocking out the bricks under the big kitchen window . I said , " What are you going to do ? " And he said , " We 're going to enlarge the kitchen . " So , that 's why the house looks different from when we first moved in . Pam has mentioned several times , " It seems like , Mom , anything you 've ever wanted , Dad tried the very best he could to give it to you . " And that 's true . So , he contracted to get this done , and that extra space has made a difference . 45 : Kenny retired in 1972 at the age of 55 . At the age of 55 , they were given the option of retiring early with all their benefits instead of working until the age of 65 . So , he decided to take the early retirement . He was sick and tired of making that long drive , an hour each way . He 'd be up and on his way at 6 o ' clock in the morning . By then , he was driving by himself . He had quit driving with the carpool . I could set the clock by when he would be home . He never was late , always home on time . After he retired , he never wanted to put another suit and tie on again . The sloppier he could look the happier he was . One day he 'd been over to the bank in the most awful - looking slippers and he 'd wear old clothes because he was determined that he was not going to dress up again . He wouldn 't even put on a white shirt . So this day , he came home quite upset | and I asked him what was the matter and he said , " Well , I was over at the bank and there were a couple of people ahead of me and I noticed there were a couple of policemen also . So , I was standing there waiting for my turn when I noticed that the policemen were awfully close to me and watching me . " And I said , " Well , Kenny , look at you ! You look like you don 't have ten cents in your pocket ! " But it didn 't change him . He still wouldn 't get cleaned up any more than that . We took this family picture one time and he had this pair of slacks that were pretty old and pretty well worn . So we said , " No , Dad , you 've got to put a shirt and tie on . " So , in the picture you can see that he put on the shirt and tie , but he wouldn 't change those slacks . You can see those ugly pants on that picture . That just makes me laugh every time I think about it . He actually hated the thoughts of getting cleaned up after all those years of being dressed up in a white shirt and tie . Here with my 4 daughters and all their dresses to be ironed , and every week there would be two or three white shirts to iron . One of his buddies asked him once , " Ken , where do you get your shirts laundered ? 46 : Keith and Abe , Kenny 's brothers , worked for the census bureau and they lived in Wichita , Kansas . Abe passed away in 1970 , a couple of years before Kenny retired . So , Keith was still living in Wichita in 1974 and he wasn 't doing very well and Kenny and Keith 's son , Kent , decided they should go out and get him and bring him back to Salt Lake . So , in October of that year they drove back to Wichita to pick up Keith , and one morning Kent called and said , " Inez , Kenny 's had a heart attack . " And I said , " Not my Kenny ! " And he said , " Yes . " And I said , " Kenny , not Keith ? " And he said , " No , it 's Kenny , and he 's had a heart attack and he 's in the hospital . " I got the call on a Sunday . Marci had been over for a visit and was ready to go back to her apartment . She was in her car ready to back out of the driveway when I got the call , so I went out and told her she had better stay a while . So , I flew back to Wichita , for the first time all by myself . Kent picked me up at the airport and I stayed in a little motel that was kitty corner through the parking lot from the hospital . The hospital had a service to pick me up and take me home because it wasn 't safe to be out walking alone . The little driver would bring me home at night and say , " You go upstairs and turn on your porch light and your living room light and lock the door . And then wave to me so I know you are in your room and locked in . " So , that was kind of scary . Then we flew Kenny back to Salt Lake to recover from the heart attack . After several months of recovery , he still wasn 't feeling as strong as he should , so he went to the hospital for a test to determine the extent of damage to his heart . It was determined he had a lot to gain by heart surgery so it was scheduled for April 1975 . Russell M Nelson , one of our apostles , was a heart surgeon at the time , and one of the best in the country . So , he performed the surgery , which was a triple heart bypass . After the surgery , Kenny said he felt like he had been hit by a big Mac truck ! That was an a47 : I retired at the age of 59 , in 1976 . Trish and Steve were building a new house and they invited us to come out and see how it was coming along , and while I was there , and getting back into the car , I stepped on a rock and broke my foot , that big bone along the outside of my foot . This was after I had already had some time off for one of my stomach surgeries . I had been recuperating from that and I was due back to work that next Monday . Then I broke my foot . When I got home I ice - packed it , but on Monday morning I couldn 't go to work . So , Kenny said , " Well , it seems to me that somebody is trying to tell you something . I think you ought to quit working . " So , hopped right over to the phone and called Eldon , my boss at the Credit Union , and said , " I 'm going to quit . " He said , " Inez , you can 't quit . At least come up and help clear out some cupboards . " So , I did that and got the cupboards organized and then I quit working . When we were retired , we 'd stay busy with our daily routine and things that needed to be done every day . Kenny always had big breakfast . He 'd have a big bowl of cereal for breakfast with a banana and a sweet roll . When I 'd go out , he 'd always say , " Stop and | get me some cinnamon rolls or sweet rolls . " ZCMI always had really good pastries , so I 'd stop and buy him a half dozen cinnamon rolls or bear claws . So , he 'd have a big enough breakfast that he wouldn 't want any lunch . So , he 'd go out and play golf quite a bit . He went with friends he 'd meet and they 'd go play golf . Sometimes he 'd go over alone and he 'd just pair up with whoever was there , and sometimes he 'd ask me , " Why don 't you come and go with me ? We 'll get a cart and you can drive the cart . " And I 'd say , " Kenny , it 's just too dang hot ! I can 't take that sun and heat ! " Now I think , " Oh , I should have always gone and drove the cart and been with him . " But he 'd always come home and he 'd had a good time . 48 : 10 . Vacations In 1979 , for our 40th wedding anniversary , our girls gave us the gift of a trip to Banff , Canada . The girls had paid for us to stay in a room in a big beautiful hotel , but after a couple of nights , we went to the front desk and asked to transfer out to one of the bungalows . We rented a car and decided to drive up to Jasper . On the way , Kenny said , " I 've got to pull over . " And he was kind of shaky and said he needed to get some sugar . I didn 't know how to drive or what to do , so we pulled over and I had some Life Savers in my purse , so he had those and after a while he was able to drive on until we came to a restaurant and he asked me to get him a 7 - up , which I did . But , after that I was always a little uneasy about how would I handle a situation like that . But anyway , Banff was beautiful , the drive was beautiful and Jasper was beautiful . That was a great trip , and after that we decided that we liked Canada . | Another time we took a drive up through Wyoming and we were headed to Seattle to see the Space Needle . We usually took our vacations around the time of our anniversary and we 'd try to get Labor Day worked in for an extra day . So , we were headed to the Space Needle to have our anniversary dinner at the restaurant at the top of it . But it rained and rained and poured all day long driving . About 6 : 00 at night , we came across this little motel and with it raining so hard he said , " Maybe we should just stop | here for the night . " So we did and it was our anniversary night and we were supposed to be having this beautiful dinner . We got in our room , cold and miserable and tired and after a while he said , " What shall we do about dinner ? " And I said , " Well , I don 't want to go out . I 'm through going out in this rain . " And he said , " Well , I guess I 'll just go and pick us up a hamburger , " which was a big deal with me . When Kenny and I were dating he 'd invite me out to dinner and I 'd say , " I 'd just as soon go get a hamburger . " And he 'd finally say , " You 're the cheapest date . Al49 : Another trip we took was a bus trip back to New York after Marci graduated from BYU in 1973 . Marci was going to be in the Hill Cumorah Pageant , and we had always wanted to go the east coast , so I said , " If we 're going to go , we should go this year . " And Kenny didn 't want to drive that far , so we took a bus trip . On the bus , they would rotate your seats so everyone would sit in a different row every time you got on and off the bus . Well , seated right behind us were these two girls and they were about our age . We 'd stop for breakfast , lunch and dinner , and usually Kenny & I would sit off by ourselves because we 'd like to order a cup of coffee . So , these two | Then we traveled on to Seattle and we found out about the Butchart Gardens and decided to take the ferry over to see it . Then we drove all the way down the west coast . We went to Crescent City and Hartsook Inn and we went to San Diego and went with some friends of his over to Catalina Island , and we went to Monterey and Carmel and down into Mexico . | girls asked if they could come and join us because they wanted to order a cup of coffee too , so from then on it was the 4 of us that would stay together . We went to see the Empire State Building and Kenny put the 3 of women in the cab and Kenny jumped into the front seat . But the cab driver wouldn 't allow him to be up front with him and told him there was a little jump seat in the back . So , Kenny sat in the jump seat and we went to see the Empire State Building . We went on the ferry to see the Statue of Liberty . We went up into Niagara Falls . When we went to pay our admission , the guy at the gate said , " How many ? " And Kenny , said " There 's four of us . " And he looked kind of funny at him , and Kenny said , " Me and my three wives , I 'm from Utah . " And the guy 's eyes went ' boing ' ! But then Kenny laughed and said , " No , this is my wife and these are some friends . " And we stayed there at the Falls and it was just a lot of fun with these two girls . We saw the Hill Cumorah Pageant which was beautiful , 50 : Sometimes some of our family would go to Lake Powell for a vacation . This was something that Pam and her family started doing and we joined in , and I went with them a couple of times . One time I went was when Chris was quite young , and Pam and Tricia and the older kids would go out swimming . Shari and I would puddle around near the beaches and my feet started to swell from the heat . They 'd get red and inflamed and swell to twice their normal size and I could hardly stand on them . So , I 'd have to go back to the boat and put my feet in a bucket of ice and all the way home I had to keep my feet wrapped in towels soaked in ice water . So , I went to the doctor when I got home and he said it was just heat . So , I didn 't ever go again after that . But Kenny went several times after that and he loved it . I 'd say , " You like it and enjoy it , you might as well go . There 's no sense for you to give it up . " So , he did . And it was a wonderful getaway . It was fun to be down there even if you couldn 't get in the water . That 's when Shari finally decided , " Enough of this ! I 'm going to learn how to swim ! " And she and I took these swimming lessons and Pam and Trish would go with us even though they didn 't need the lessons . At the end of the class , you had to climb up to the high dive . Shari climbs up and plops off like a brave girl . Inez climbs ups and I stood there and froze looking down at that water . I knew the instructor because she would come into the Credit Union . She would say , " Come on , Inez , just close your eyes and jump . " And I 'd say , " I 'll just climb back down . " I just couldn 't get my courage up to jump down into that water . And she 'd say , " Just take a breath , and you 'll go down and you 'll pop right up and I 'll be there . " But I still couldn 't do it . Finally , she came up , took my hand and said , " Count to three and we 're going . " So , down we went . And I got my badge ! 51 : 11 . Summary - A Good Life I 've had a wonderful life . I figure I 've been blessed every day of my life . I 've had tender loving care . My Mom worked hard to provide for us , and she did a good job with us . She gave us good ethics and good work habits . My brothers and sisters were always kind and good . Then Kenny came into my life and brought me a real happy life . He taught me how to have fun and relax . I don 't know what I expected growing up , but I 've had a lot better life than I ever imagined . In fact , one time several years ago , even June mentioned it . She said , " Inez , do you realize you 're the only one in the family that had a good marriage , a happy marriage ? The only one who stayed together ? " And then one time about ten years ago , June and Lucille and I were together on Decoration Day and we were talking about our kids , and June said , " Inez was the only one who knew how to raise kids . " | So , that was quite a compliment . I think about it now and I realize that yes , my kids all turned out good . We 've had no drug problems , no major health problems . We 've been very fortunate . So , I feel like I 've had a good life . I 've been blessed . And I 'm still blessed . I still basically have good health . I have trouble with this back , and I think , " Well no wonder you kids , you deserve to take care of me , because I always took care of you on my hip . " I never had a buggy , I never had a stroller . If I went out with my babies , I 'd carry them on my hip . And that 's what I wanted to do . Once I had you I didn 't want to put you down . We 'd drive back and forth from Layton when we lived up there and I 'd hold the babies . 52 : Marci : Well , Mom , it looks like you 've had an amazing life and accomplished a lot of good and important things . You 've been a fantastic influence on your daughters and your grandchildren and your great grandchildren . We 've all been blessed by your influence and your presence in our lives and your example to us . You are a fighter , and you are someone who never quits . If something needs to be done , you don 't quit until it gets done . Inez : We were conservative . When you grew up during the Depression , you just learn that 's what you have to do . I am still that way . If you get something , you better take care of it and use it until it wears out . I don 't know what I expected life to be , but I really do feel like I have truly been blessed . And I 've been thinking , " Well , yes I 've had some health problems , not serious health problems , I 've had some surgeries but I 've always had good care . " And I think , as the old saying goes , we can 't expect a rose garden , but make the best of every day . Be grateful when you can get up in the morning and function and take care of yourself . And I tell young people , " While you 're young , get out and enjoy life . Do what you can to have some good memories . Because when you get older , that 's sometimes all you 've got to live on . " I 'm grateful that I was born with a good , healthy body , good parents , a good heritage . I 've got good old Irish blood in me . I think if we have good health and the great gift of sight and hearing , what more can you ask for ? Yes , we might have some pain and some miserable days , but they pass . And the next day , things are going to be better . | Mom : My birth sign is Capricorn , which is the goat , and all my life my Mom used to say , " You were born under the right sign , you 're just like a little billy goat . If you decide something has to be done , down goes the head , and I 'm going to get it done ! ' " So , I guess that 's just the way I was . Marci : You have worked hard for the things you have wanted to achieve . You always kept a really immaculate home . And you always53 : I think of Christ , and I think , " We have no right to complain if we 're sick . What He went through for us , we have no right to complain . We 'll never suffer like He did . So , be grateful and give thanks every day that you 're well and strong and able to get out and do things and have a good life . Yes , you might have some bad times , but they pass . | And don 't be afraid to say " I 'm sorry . " It doesn 't hurt to say two little words that can make things better . Kenny and I were truly blessed . Yes , we had our problems , but we overcame them and we stayed together and got through them . All of our daughters are beautiful and healthy , and beautiful spirits . I think every day of my four girls and how grateful I am for them and their sweet spirits . And you all add great joy to my life and make my life pleasant . I am grateful to Shari for her tender loving care every day and her concern for my welfare . She keeps me content . She is a good caretaker , and I 'm grateful she is willing to let me live with her and she takes good care of me . | I 'm glad that all of my dear daughters and grandchildren are well and happy , as far as I know now . Tricia is having some serious health problems but hopefully they will ease off . Tammy is having some health problems , but she 's overcoming them . You just have to face up to what life brings and know that it 's going to be better . Just do the best you can and try to be pleasant .

The 26 - year - old mother stared down at her son who was dying of terminal leukemia . Although her heart was filled with sadness , she also had a strong feeling of determination . Like any parent she wanted her son to grow up and fulfill all his dreams . Now that was no longer possible . The leukemia would see to that . But , she still wanted her son 's dreams to come true . She took her son 's hand and asked , " Billy , did you ever think about what you wanted to be once you grew up ? Did you ever dream and wish what you would do with your life ? " " Mommy , I always wanted to be a fireman when I grew up . " Mom smiled back and said , " Let 's see if we can make your wish come true . " Later that day she went to her local fire department in Phoenix , Arizona , where she met Fireman Bob , who had a heart as big as Phoenix . She explained her son 's final wish and asked if it might be possible to give her six year old son a ride around the block on a fire engine . Fireman Bob said , " Look , we can do better than that . If you 'll have your son ready at seven o ' clock Wednesday morning , we 'll make him an honorary fireman for the whole day . He can come down to the fire station , eat with us , go out on all the fire calls , the whole nine yards ! And if you 'll give us his sizes , we 'll get a real fire uniform for him , with a real fire hat - not a toy one , but one with the emblem of the Phoenix Fire Department on it , a yellow slicker like we wear and rubber boots . They 're all manufactured right here in Phoenix , so we can get them fast . " Three days later Fireman Bob picked up Billy , dressed him in his fire uniform and escorted him from his hospital bed to the waiting hook and ladder truck . Billy got to sit on the back of the truck and help steer it back to the fire station . He was in heaven . There were three fire calls in Phoenix that day and Billy got to go out on all three calls . He rode in the different fire engines , the paramedic 's van , and even the fire chief 's car . He was also videotaped for the local news program . Having his dream come true , with all the lovRead More . . . Some years ago , three brothers left the farm to work in the city . They were all hired by the same company at the same pay . Three years later , Jim was being paid $ 500 a month , Frank was receiving $ 1 , 000 , but George was now making $ 1 , 500 . Their father decided to visit the employer . He listened to the confused father and said , " I will let the boys explain for themselves . " Jim was summoned to the supervisor 's office and was told " Jim , I understand the Far East Importers has just brought in a large transport plane loaded with Japanese import goods . Will you please go over to the airport and get a cargo inventory ? " Three minutes later , Jim returned to the office . " The cargo was one thousand bolts of Japanese silk , " Jim reported . " I got the information over the telephone from a member of the crew . " When Jim left , Frank , the $ 1 , 000 a month brother , was called . " Frank , " said the supervisor , " I wish you 'd go out to the airport and get an inventory of the cargo plane which was just brought in by Far East Importers . " An hour later , Frank was back in the office with a list showing that the plane carried 1 , 000 bolts of Japanese silk , 500 transistor radios , and 1 , 000 hand painted bamboo trays . George , the $ 1 , 500 a month brother , was given identical instructions . Working hours were over when he finally returned . " The transport plane carried one thousand bolts of Japanese silk , " he began . " It was on sale at sixty dollars a bolt , so I took a two - day option on the whole lot . I have wired a designer in New York offering the silk at seventy - five dollars a bolt . I expect to have the order tomorrow . I also found five hundred transistor radios , which I sold over the telephone at a profit of $ 2 . 30 each . There were a thousand bamboo trays , but they were of poor quality , so I didn 't try to do anything with them . " When George left the office , the employer smiled . " You probably noticed , " he said , " that Jim doesn 't do what he 's told , Frank does only what he 'd told . . . but George does without being told . " The future is full of promise for those who showRead More . . . Grandma , some ninety plus years , sat feebly on the patio bench . She didn 't move , just sat with her head down staring at her hands . When I sat down beside her she didn 't acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat I wondered if she was fine . Finally , not really wanting to disturb her but to check on her , I asked her if she was alright . She raised her head and looked at me and smiled " Yes , I 'm fine , thank you for asking , " she said in a clear voice strong . " I didn 't mean to disturb you , grandma , but you were just sitting here staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were OK , " I explained . " Have you ever looked at your hands , " she asked , lost somewhere , " I mean really looked at your hands ? " I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them . I turned them over , palms up and then palms down . No , I guess I had never really looked at my hands as I tried to figure out the point she was making . Grandma smiled , took a pause , and said " Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have , how they have served you well throughout your years . These hands , though wrinkled shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to reach out and grab and embrace life . They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor . They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back . As a child , my mother taught me to fold them in prayer . They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots . They held my husband and wiped my tears when he went off to war . They have been dirty , scraped and raw , swollen and bent . They were uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son . Decorated with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special . They wrote my letters to him and trembled and shook when I buried my parents and spouse . They have held my children and grandchildren , consoled neighbors , and shook in fists of anger when I didn 't understand . They have covered my face , combed my hair , and washed and cleansed the rest of my body . They have been sticky and wet , bent and broken , dried and raw . AndRead More . . . Once upon a time , there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine , sitting under a tree on the banks of a river . He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market . One day , while he was working , his machine tumbled off the table and fell in the river . Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood ( the woodcutter and the axe ) , he started praying to the River Goddess . The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers . The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river . As usual , the Goddess wanted to test his honesty . She showed him a match box and asked , " Is this your computer ? " Disappointed by the Goddess ' lack of computer awareness , the engineer replied , " No . " She next showed him a pocket - sized calculator and asked if that was his . Annoyed , the engineer said " No , not at all ! ! " Finally , she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his . The engineer , left with no option , sighed and said " Yes . " The River Goddess was happy with his honesty . She was about to give him all three items , but before she could make the offer , the engineer asked her , " Don 't you know that you 're supposed to show me some better computers before bringing up my own ? " The River Goddess , angered at this , replied , " I know that , you stupid donkey ! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium , the latest computers from IBM ! " So saying , she disappeared with the Pentium ! ! Moral : If you 're not up - to - date with technology trends , it 's better keep your mouth shut than to open your mouth and remove all doubt ! My husband is a software engineer by profession , I love him for his steady nature and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders . Two years of courtship and now , five years into marriage , I would have to admit , that I am getting tired of it . The reasons of me loving him before , has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness . I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings . I yearn for the romantic moments , like a little girl yearning for candy . My husband is my complete opposite ; his lack of sensitivity , and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love . One day , I finally decided to tell him my decision , that I wanted a divorce . " Why ? " he asked , shocked . " I am tired . There are no reasons for everything in the world ! " I answered . He kept silent the whole night , seemingly in deep thought . My feeling of disappointment only increased . Here was a man who was not able to even express his predicament , so what else could I expect from him ? And finally he asked me " What can I do to change your mind ? " Somebody said it right . It 's hard to change a person 's personality , and I guess , I have started losing faith in him . Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered : " Here is the question . If you can answer and convince my heart , I will change my mind . Let 's say , I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff , and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death . Will you do it for me ? " He said : " I will give you your answer tomorrow . " My hopes just sank by listening to his response . I woke up the next morning to find him gone , and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting underneath a milk glass , on the dining table near the front door , that goes . . . " My dear , I would not pick that flower for you , but please allow me to explain the reasons further . . . " This first line was already breaking my heart . I continued reading . " When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs , anRead More . . . A man and his lovely girlfriend got married . It was a large celebration . All of their friends and family came to see the lovely ceremony . The bride was gorgeous in her white wedding gown and the groom was very dashing in his black tuxedo . Everyone could tell that the love they had for each other was true . However , a few months later , the wife came to the husband with a very unique request . " Dear , I read in a magazine , a while ago , about how we can strengthen our marriage . . " she offered , " each of us will write a list of the things that we find a bit annoying with the other person . Then , we can talk about how we can fix them together and make our lives happier together . " The husband agreed . So each of them went to a separate room in the house and thought of the things that annoyed them about the other . They thought about this question for the rest of the day and wrote down what they came up with . The next morning , at the breakfast table , they decided that they would go over their lists . " I 'll start , " offered the wife . She took out her list . It had many items on it , enough to fill 3 pages , in fact . As she started reading the list of the little annoyances , she noticed that tears were starting to appear in her husbands eyes . " What 's wrong ? " she asked . " Nothing " the husband replied , " keep reading your lists . " The wife continued to read until she had read all three pages to her husband . She neatly placed her list on the table and folded her hands over top of it . " Now , you read your list and then we 'll talk about the things on both of our lists " she said happily . Quietly the husband placed his sheet before her . " Honey , " he started to speak " sorry but I don 't have anything on my list . Really , I do think that you are perfect the way that you are . I don 't want you to change anything for me . You are lovely and wonderful and I wouldn 't want to try and change anything about you . " The wife couldn 't stand her husband 's watery - eyed gaze anymore . She turned her head , and wept . Touched by the honesty and her husband 's unconditional love , which Read More . . . This is a rather big narration of two different stories . But these two stories have something in common so profound that it may shake you totally . Beware ! Many years ago , Al Capone virtually owned Chicago . Capone wasn 't famous for anything heroic . He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything from bootlegged booze and murder . Capone had a lawyer nicknamed " Easy Eddie . " He was his lawyer for a good reason . Eddie was very good ! In fact , Eddie 's skill kept Big Al out of jail for a long time . To show his appreciation , Capone paid him very well . Not only was the money big , but also , Eddie got special dividends . For instance , he and his family lived in a posh mansion with with all conveniences of the day . The estate was so large that it filled an entire Chicago City block ! Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to the atrocity that went on around him . Eddie did have one soft spot , however . He had a son that he loved dearly . Eddie provided his young son with whatever he could - clothes , cars , and a good education . Nothing was withheld . Price was no object for his beloved one . But the best part was , that despite his involvement with organized crime , Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong ! Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was . Yet , with all his wealth and influence , there were two things he couldn 't give his son : he couldn 't pass on a good name , and a good example . Finally one day , Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision . Easy Eddie wanted to rectify wrongs he had done . He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al " Scarface " Capone , clean up his tarnished name , and offer his son some semblance of integrity . He knew that the cost would be great . But he testified . And not surprisingly , within the year Easy Eddie 's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street . But in his eyes , he had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer , at the greatest price he could ever pay . Police removed from his pockets a rosary , a crucifixRead More . . . The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life . One man , a CEO , decided to explain the problem with education . He argued , " What 's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher ? " He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers : " those who can … do ; Those who can 't … teach . " To stress his point he said to another guest " You 're a teacher , Bonnie . Be honest . What do you make ? " Bonnie , who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied , " You really want to know what I make ? " She paused for a second , then said " Well , I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could . I make a C + feel like the congressional medal of honor winner . I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can 't make them sit for 5 without an I - Pod , game cube or movie rental . You want to know what I make ? " She paused again and looked at each and every person at the table . " I make kids wonder . I make them question . I make them apologize and mean it . I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions . I teach them to write and then I make them write keyboarding isn 't everything . I make them read , read , and read . I make them show all their work in math so that they use their God given brain , not the man - made calculator . I make my students from other countries learn everything they need to know about english while preserving their unique cultural identity . I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe . I make my students stand , placing their hand over their heart to say the pledge of allegiance to the flag , one nation under God , because we live in the united states of America . Finally , I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were given , work hard , and follow their hearts , they can succeed in life . " Bonnie paused one last time and then continued , " then , when people try to judge me by what I make , with me knowing money isn 't everything , I can hold my head up high and pay no attention because they are igRead More . . . The eagle gently coaxed her offspring toward the edge of the nest . Her heart quivered with conflicting emotions as she felt their resistance to her persistent nudging . " Why does the thrill of soaring have to begin with the fear of falling ? " she thought . This ageless question still remained unanswered for her . As in the tradition of the species , her nest was located high upon the shelf of a sheer rock face . Below there was nothing but air to support the wings of each child . " Is it possible that this time it will not work ? " she thought . Despite her fears , the eagle knew it was time . Her parental mission was all but complete . There remained one final task - the push . The eagle drew courage from an innate wisdom . Until her children discovered their wings , there was no purpose for their lives . Until they learned how to soar , they would fail to understand the privilege of having been born an eagle . The push was the greatest gift she had to offer . It was her supreme act of love . And so , one by one , she pushed them and they flew . David McNally wrote these words in his book : Even eagles need a push . It 's human nature to take the path of least resistance . Although most people truly want to reach their full potential , they don 't always have the initiative and the discipline to get started on their own . One of your greatest responsibilities as a leader is to enable your people to be all they can be . Many times " the push " , with a little encouragement , is all they need . A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package . " What food might this contain ? " The mouse wondered . He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap . Retreating to the farmyard , the mouse proclaimed the warning : " There is a mousetrap in the house ! There is a mousetrap in the house ! " The chicken clucked and scratched , raised her head and said , " Mr . Mouse , I can tell this is a grave concern to you , but it is of no consequence to me . I cannot be bothered by it . " The mouse turned to the pig and told him , " There is a mousetrap in the house ! There is a mousetrap in the house ! " The pig sympathized , but said , I am so very sorry , Mr . Mouse , but there is nothing I can do about it but pray . Be assured you are in my prayers . " The mouse turned to the cow and said " There is a mousetrap in the house ! There is a mousetrap in the house ! " The cow said , " Wow , Mr . Mouse . I 'm sorry for you , but it 's no skin off my nose . " So , the mouse returned to the house , head down and dejected , to face the farmer 's mousetrap . . . alone . That very night a sound was heard throughout the house - like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey . The farmer 's wife rushed to see what was caught . In the darkness , she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught . The snake bit the farmer 's wife . The farmer rushed her to the hospital , and she returned home with a fever . Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup , so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup 's main ingredient . But his wife 's sickness continued , so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock . To feed them , the farmer butchered the pig . The farmer 's wife did not get well ; she died . So many people came for her funeral , the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them . The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness . So , the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn 't concern you , remember - when one of us is threatened , we are Read More . . . " How long will you be poring over that newspaper ? Will you come here right away and make your darling daughter eat her food ? " I tossed the paper away and rushed to the scene . My only daughter Sindu looked frightened . Tears were welling up in her eyes . In front of her was a bowl filled to its brim with Curd Rice . Sindu is a nice child , quite intelligent for her age . She has just turned eight . She particularly detested Curd Rice . My mother and my wife are orthodox and believe firmly in the ' cooling effects ' of Curd Rice . I cleared my throat and picked up the bowl . " Sindu , darling , why don 't you take a few mouthful of this Curd Rice ? Just for Dad 's sake , dear . If you don 't , your Mom will shout at me . " I could sense my wife 's scowl behind my back . Sindu softened a bit and wiped her tears with the back of her hands . " OK , Dad . I will eat not just a few mouthfuls , but the whole lot of this . But , you should . . . " Sindu hesitated . " Dad , if I eat this entire Curd Rice , will you give me whatever I ask for ? " " Oh sure , darling . " " Promise ? " " Promise . " I covered the pink soft hand extended by my daughter with mine and clinched the deal . " Ask Mom also to give a similar promise , " my daughter insisted . My wife slapped her hand on Sindu 's muttering " Promise , " without any emotion . Now I became a bit anxious . " Sindu , you shouldn 't insist on getting a computer or any such expensive items . Dad does not have that kind of money right now . OK ? " " No , Dad . I do not want anything expensive . " Slowly and painfully , she finished eating the whole quantity . I was silently angry with my wife and my mother for forcing my child to eat something that she detested . After the ordeal was through , Sindu came to me with her eyes wide with expectation . All of our attention was on her . " Dad , I want to have my head shaved off this Sunday , " was her demand ! " Atrocious ! " shouted my wife , " a girl child having her head shaved off ? Impossible ! " " Never in our family ! " my mother rasped . " She has been watching too much of television . Our culture is getting totally spoiled with these TVRead More . . . During a visit to the mental asylum , a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized . " Well , " said the Director , " we fill up a bathtub , then we offer a teaspoon , a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub . " " Oh ! I understand , " said the visitor . " A normal person would use the bucket because it 's bigger than the teaspoon and the teacup ! " " No , " said the Director , " A normal person would pull the plug . Do you want a bed near the window ? " It was in the early sixties when I met Wing Commander A Suares for the first time . He was the Commanding Officer of a Canberra Bomber Squadron of Indian Air Force , a very prestigious appointment . I was posted there as a navigator . We had heard numerous tales of gallantry of our CO . Amongst his chest - full of decorations were two Vir Chakras . We were proud to be working with him . Behind the gentle and pleasant exterior of Suares was hidden a very resolute and bold interior , exposed only when necessary . On such occasions we were awe - struck by his spontaneous leadership qualities . It was a refreshingly clear winter day . Bubbles of spotless white clouds floated in the blue sky . Our CO ordered the whole squadron to fly a practice mission . The squadron was to take off in two flights ( groups of aircraft ) , the Flight Commander was to lead the first flight and Suares thesecond . After thorough planning and briefing the squadron took off and proceeded to the mission in two flights . On completion we returned and landed safely . Satisfied that the mission was successful , we were returning to our residence , when almost suddenly the weather turned foul . Dark smoke - like fog had rolled in from one side over the runway and within minutes the entire area was covered with thick dense fog , reducing the visibility to almost nil , in Air Force parlance ' Poor Visibility ' . Soon we heard the sound of the Canberras of the second flight returning after their mission . Sensing the gravity of the situation we headed towards the Air Traffic Control ( ATC ) Office . When we reached there , we found that the Senior Air Traffic Control Officer ( SATCO ) had already rushed in and was in his seat controlling the aircraft . We waited anxiously on one corner , watching . The SATCO transmitted on radio telephony , ' SIERRA 1 ( the flight leaders call sign ) , the visibility is 300 metres . You will hold on and await further instructions ' . On checking the weather of the airfields where the aircraft ( ac ) could be diverted , it was found that there too the weather was grim . WithRead More . . . A pretty woman was serving a life sentence in prison . Angry and resentful about her situation , she had decided that she would rather die than to live another year in prison . Over the years she had become good friends with one of the prison caretakers . His job , among others , was to bury those prisoners who died in a graveyard just outside the prison walls . When a prisoner died , the caretaker rang a bell , which was heard by everyone , he then got the body , put it in a casket and nailed the lid shut . Finally , he put the casket on a wagon to take it to the graveyard to bury it . Knowing this routine , the woman devised an escape plan and shared it with the caretaker . The next time the bell rang , the woman would leave her cell and sneak into the dark room where the coffins were kept . She would slip into the coffin with the dead body while the caretaker was busy filling death certificate . When the care - taker would return , he would take the coffin outside and bury the dead body along with the woman . The woman knew there would be enough air for her to breathe until later in the evening when the caretaker would return to the graveyard under the cover of darkness , dig up the coffin , open it , and set her free ! The caretaker was reluctant initially , but since he had become good friends with her over the years , he agreed . Day after day , the woman waited several weeks before someone in the prison died . And it happened . It was her lucky day today ! She was asleep in her cell when she heard the death bell ring . She got up quickly but slowly walked down the hallway . Her heart was beating fast . She opened the door to the darkened room where the coffins were kept . Quietly in the dark , she found the coffin that contained the dead body , carefully climbed into the coffin and pulled the lid shut to wait for the caretaker to come and nail the lid shut . Soon she heard footsteps and the pounding of the hammer and nails . Even though she was very uncomfortable in the coffin with the dead body , she knew that with each nail she was one step closer to freRead More . . . The mother shook her head in frustration with her daughter . She then turned to the volunteer at the animal shelter . " Danielle keeps repeating it over and over again . We 've been back to this animal shelter at least five times . It has been weeks now since we started all of this , " the mother told the volunteer . " What is it she keeps asking for ? " the volunteer asked . " Puppy size ! " replied the mother . " Well , we have plenty of puppies , if that 's what she 's looking for . " " I know . . . we have seen most of them , " the mom said . Just then Danielle came walking into the office . " Well , did you find one ? " asked her mom . " No , not this time , " Danielle said with sadness in her voice . " Can we come back on the weekend ? " The two women looked at each other , shook their heads and laughed . " You never know when we will get more dogs . Unfortunately , there 's always a supply , " the volunteer said . Danielle took her mother by the hand and headed to the door . " Don 't worry , I 'll find one this weekend , " she said . Over the next few days , both mom and dad had long conversations with her . They both felt she was being too particular . " It 's this weekend or we 're not looking any more , " Dad finally said in frustration . " We don 't want to hear anything more about puppy size either , " Mom added . Sure enough , they were the first ones in the shelter on Saturday morning . By now Danielle knew her way around , so she ran right for the section that housed the smaller dogs . Tired of the routine , mom sat in the small waiting room at the end of the first row of cages . There was an observation window so you could see the animals during times when visitors weren 't permitted . Danielle walked slowly from cage to cage , kneeling periodically to take a closer look . One by one the dogs were brought out and she held each one . One by one she said , " Sorry , you 're not the one . " It was the last cage on this last day in search of the perfect pup . The volunteer opened the cage door and the child carefully picked up the dog and held it closely . This time she took a little longer . " Mom , that 's it ! I found tRead More . . . One day , an old man was sitting relaxed with his grandchildren , teaching them lessons of life . " A fight is going on inside me " he said to them . " It is a terrible fight , and it is between two wolves . One wolf represents fear , anger , envy , regret , greed , arrogance , self - pity , guilt , resentment , inferiority , lies , pride and superiority . " " The other wolf stands for joy , peace , love , hope , sharing , serenity , humility , kindness , benevolence , friendship , empathy , generosity , truth , compassion , and faith . This same fight is going on inside of you and every other person too . " The children thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather : " Which wolf will win ? " The old man paused for a second , and then replied . . . " The one I feed . " May we all have the wisdom to feed the right wolf every moment of our life by our thoughts , words and deeds . A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse 's trainer . The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has in training . It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them . If it doesn 't win today , the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning . The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start . The race begins and the horse is 30 lengths behind the pack after only half a furlong . He gives the horse an great backhand on the rump . Nothing . He then gives him a series of sharp slaps on the shoulder . Nothing . He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters . The horse now comes to a sudden stop , turns to the jockey and says , " Will you stop it with that whip ? I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver the milk ! " This story has many morals . And one of them is : Discouragement DOES lead to incompetence and failure ! ! A few years after I was born , my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small Texas town . From the beginning , Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family . The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on . As I grew up , I never questioned his place in my family . In my young mind , he had a special niche . My parents were complementary instructors : Mom taught me good from evil , and Dad taught me to obey . But the stranger . . . he was our storyteller . He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures , mysteries and comedies ! If I wanted to know anything about politics , history or science , he always knew the answers about the past , understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future ! He took my family to the first major league ball game . He made me laugh , and he made me cry . The stranger never stopped talking , but Dad didn 't seem to mind . Sometimes , Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say , and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet . ( I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave ) Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions , but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them . Profanity , for example , was not allowed in our home . . . Not from us , our friends or any visitors . Our longtime visitor , however , got away with four - letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush . My Dad didn 't permit the liberal use of alcohol . But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis . He made cigarettes look cool , cigars manly and pipes distinguished . He talked freely ( much too freely ! ) about sex . His comments were sometimes blatant , sometimes suggestive , and generally embarrassing . I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger . Time after time , he opposed the values of my parents , yet he was seldom rebuked . . . . . . and never asked to leave . More than forty years have passed since the straRead More . . . There was a farmer in Africa who was happy and content . He was happy because he was content . He was content because he was happy . One day a wise man came to him and told him about the glory of diamonds and the power that goes along with them . The wise man said , " If you had a diamond the size of your thumb , you could have your own city . If you had a diamond the size of your fist , you could probably own your own country . " And then he went away . That night the farmer couldn 't sleep . He was unhappy and he was discontent . He was unhappy because he was discontent and discontent because he was unhappy . The next morning he made arrangements to sell off his farm , took care of his family and went in search of diamonds . He looked all over Africa and couldn 't find any . He looked all through Europe and couldn 't find any . When he got toSpain , he was emotionally , physically and financially broke . He got so disheartened that he threw himself into the Barcelona River and committed suicide . Back home , the person who had bought his farm was watering the camels at a stream that ran through the farm . Across the stream , the rays of the morning sun hit a stone and made it sparkle like a rainbow . He thought it would look good on the mantle piece . He picked up the stone and put it in the living room . That afternoon the wise man came and saw the stone sparkling . He asked , " Is Hafiz back ? " The new owner said , " No , why do you ask ? " The wise man said , " Because that is a diamond . I recognize one when I see one . " The man said , " No , that 's just a stone I picked up from the stream . Come , I 'll show you . There are many more . " They went and picked some samples and sent them for analysis . Sure enough , the stones were diamonds . They found that the farm was indeed covered with acres and acres of diamonds ! When our attitude is right , we realize that we are all walking on acres and acres of diamonds . Opportunity is always under our feet . We don 't have to go anywhere . All we need to do is recognize it . Once upon a time , there was an island where all the feelings lived - happiness , sadness , knowledge , and all of others , including love . One day , it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink . So they all prepared boats and left . Love was the only one who stayed . But when love got very close to sinking , she got worried for help . " Help , help ! Who can help me ? ? Richness , can you help me ? " " No , I can 't , there is lot of gold inside my balloon , there is no place here for you . " Richness said . " Sadness , let me go with you ! " " Oh love , I am so sad that I 'd prefer to go alone . " Sadness replied . " Happiness , help me , help me … " Love said . Happiness was too happy so he did not listen when love called him . When love was almost to give up asking for help , suddenly she heard a voice , " Come love , I will take you . " The one who helped love was an elder . Love was so happy that she even forgot to ask the elder his name . When they arrived on dry land , the elder went on his own way . Then love asked knowledge , another elder , the name of the elder who helped her . " His name is Time " Knowledge said . " Time ? ? But why did he help me ? " Love asked . " Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love truly is . . . " Take time to know what real love is . A cactus stood all alone in the desert , wondering why it was stuck in the middle of nowhere . " I do nothing but stand here all day , " it sighed . " What use am I ? I 'm the ugliest plant in the desert . My spines are thick and prickly , my leaves are rubbery and tough , my skin is thick and bumpy . I can 't offer shade or juicy fruit to any passing traveler . I don 't see that I 'm any use at all . " All it did was stand in the sun day after day , growing taller and fatter . Its spines grew longer and its leaves tougher , and it swelled here and there until it was lumpy and lopsided all over . It truly was strange looking . " I wish I could do something useful , " it sighed . By day hawks circled high overhead . " What can I do with my life ? " the cactus called . Whether they heard or not , the hawks sailed away . At night the moon floated into the sky and cast its pale glow on the desert floor . " What good can I do with my life ? " the cactus called . The moon only stared coldly as it mounted its course . A lizard crawled by , leaving a little trail in the sand with its tail . " What worthy deed can I do ? " the cactus called . " You ? " the lizard laughed , pausing a moment . " Worthy deed ? Why , you can 't do anything ! The hawks circle way overhead , tracing delicate patterns for us all to admire . The moon hangs high like a lantern at night , so we can see our ways home to our loved ones . Even I , the lowly lizard , have something to do . I decorate the sands with these beautiful brushstrokes as I pull my tail along . Buy you ? You do nothing but get uglier every day . " And so it went on , year after year . At last the cactus grew old , and it knew its time was short . " Oh , Lord , " it cried out , " I 've wondered so long , and I 've tried so hard . Forgive me if I 've failed to find something worthy to do . I fear that now it 's too late . " But just then the cactus felt a strange stirring and unfolding , and it knew a surge of joy that erased all despair . . . . . . at its very tip , like a sudden crown , a glorious flower suddenly opened in bloom ! Never had the desert known such a blossom ! Its fragraRead More . . . The top marketing director of Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican . After receiving the papal blessing , the Nescafe official whispers , ' Your Eminence , I have some business to discuss . We at Nescafe have an offer for you . Nescafe is prepared to donate $ 100 million to the church . If you change the Lord 's Prayer from ' Give us this day our daily bread ' to ' Give us this day our daily coffee . " The Pope looks outraged and thunders , " That is impossible . The prayer is the word of the Lord , It must not be changed . " Well , " says the Nescafe man somewhat chastened , " We anticipated your reluctance . For this reason , and the importance of the Lord 's prayer to all catholics , we will increase our offer to $ 300 million . All we require is that you change the Lord 's prayer from ' Give us this day our daily bread ' to ' Give us this day our daily coffee ' . " Again , even more sternly , the Pope replies , " That , my son , is impossible . For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed . " Finally , the Nescafe director says , " Your Holiness , we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith , we realise that tradition is essential to your beliefs , we fully understand the importance of the word of the Lord but we do have one final offer . Please discuss it with your Cardinals . We will donate $ 500 million to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord 's Prayer from ' Give us this day our daily bread ' to ' Give us this day our daily coffee ' . Please , please consider it . " And he leaves . The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals . " There is some good news , " he announces , " and some bad news . " " The good news is , " he continues to a hushed assembly , " that the Church will get $ 500 million . " " And what is the bad news , your Holiness ? " asks a Cardinal . " Sadly " says the Pope , " we would have to lose the Brittania account . " An elderly carpenter was ready to retire . He told his employer cum contractor of his plans to leave the house - building business and live a more leisurely life with his wife , enjoying his extended family . He would miss the paycheck , but he needed to retire . They could get by . The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go and asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor . The carpenter said yes , but in time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work . He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials . It was an unfortunate way to end his career . When the carpenter finished his work and the builder came to inspect the house , the contractor handed the front - door key to the carpenter . " This is your house , " he said , " my gift to you . " What a shock ! What a shame ! If he had only known he was building his own house , he would have done it all so differently . Now he had to live in the home he had built none too well . So it is with us . We build our lives in a distracted way , reacting rather than acting , willing to put up less than the best . At important points we do not give the job our best effort . Then with a shock we look at the situation we have created , and find that we are now living in the house we have built . If we had realized that , we would have done it differently . Think of yourself as the carpenter . Think about your house . Each day you hammer a nail , place a board , or erect a wall . Build wisely . Buddha is moving on the road and it is noon . It is very hot . He feels thirsty and tells his disciple , Ananda , " Please go back , we crossed a small stream just two - three miles back , from there bring some water for me . " And Buddha rested under the tree . Ananda went to the stream . But just when he reached near it , a few bullock carts passed the stream , and since the stream was very small , now it became dirty . All the dirt that was settled underneath had surfaced , including the old dry leaves . The water was no more drinkable . Ananda tried the same as you would try - he entered the stream and tried to settle things so that water can become clean again . But the poor disciple only dirtied it more . Disappointed , he came back and requested to Buddha " the water is not drinkable , but I know a certain river ahead , I will go and fetch water from there . " But Buddha insisted " Why did you come back ? No , I want the water from that stream only " . When Buddha insists , how could Ananda deny ? So reluctantly , he went again . But his hesitation changed to joy as he realized something looking at the water again - by the time he reached half of the dirt had settled again without anybody trying to settle it , it had settled on its own accord . He understood the point this time ! Then he sat under the tree and watched the stream flow to let the other half of dirt get settled . He waited , he watched , and soon the water was clear , the dead leaves had gone back to the bottom and the dirt was all gone as well . Fetching the clear water for his master , Ananda came joyfully running and fell at Buddha 's feet to say , " Oh Lord , that 's the mistake I had been doing my mind my whole life ! But now I will just sit under a tree and let the stream of mind pass by , let it settle by itself . Now I will not jump in the stream and try to force order upon things " . This is not to say that order isn 't necessary . It is . But many a times , we waste our precious moments and sacrifice happiness to chase things which time is going to settle on its own anyways . A bRead More . . . There was a hunter who came into the possession of a special bird dog . The dog was the only one of its kind , because it could walk on water ! One day he invited a friend to go hunting with him so that he could show off his prized possession . After some time , they shot a few ducks , which fell into the river . The man ordered his dog to run and fetch the birds . The dog ran on water to fetch the birds . The man was expecting a compliment about the amazing dog , but did not receive it . Being curious , he asked his friend if the friend had noticed anything unusual about the dog . The friend replied , " Hmmm . . . Yes . I did see something unusual about your dog . Your dog can 't swim . " More than 90 % of the people that we face everyday are negative . They choose to look at the hole in the middle rather than the doughnut . Do not expect compliments or encouragement from them . These are the people who cannot pull you out of your present situation . They can only push you down . So be aware of them , spend less time with them , and do not let them steal your dreams away from you . The noted French naturalist , J . Henri Fabre , studied the processionary caterpillars in great detail . What makes this caterpillar special is its instinct to follow in lock step the caterpillar in front of it . this behavior not only gives the caterpillar its name but a deadly characteristic also . Fabre demonstrated this unusual behavior with a simple experiment . He took a flowerpot and placed a number of caterpillars in a single rile around the circumference of the pot 's rim . each caterpillar 's head touched the caterpillar in front of it . Fabre then placed the caterpillars ' favorite food , pine needles , in the middle of the circle . each caterpillar followed the one ahead thinking that it was heading for food . Round and round went those silly insects - for seven days ! After a week of this mindless activity , the caterpillars dropped dead one by one because of exhaustion and starvation . Think for a while - all that the caterpillars had to do to avoid death was to stop the senseless circling of the flower pot and head directly toward the food which was less than six inches away . However , the caterpillars were locked into a lifestyle and couldn 't disentangle themselves from their mindless behavior . Think for a while - Do we also follow methods and procedures for no other reason than ' it has always been done that way ' ? How often do we confuse activity with accomplishment ? Do we have the ability to change our direction to get out of ruts which cause us to dysfunction at work ? A well - known motivational speaker gathering the entire crowd 's attention , said , " The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn 't my wife . " The crowd was shocked ! He followed up by saying , " That woman was my mother . " The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech , which was well received . About a week later , one of the top managers who had the training decided to use that joke at his house . He tried to rehearse the joke in his head . It was a bit foggy to him . He said loudly , " The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife ! " Naturally , his wife was shell shocked , murmuring . After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke , the manager finally blurted out " . . . and I can 't remember who she was ! " As expected , he got thrashing of his life time . . . Moral of the story : Don 't copy if you can 't paste . Many years ago in a small Indian village , a farmer had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to a village moneylender . The moneylender , who was old and ugly , fancied the farmer 's beautiful daughter . So he proposed a bargain . He said he would forgo the farmer 's debt if he could marry his daughter . Both the farmer and his daughter were horrified by the proposal . So the cunning money - lender suggested that they let providence decide the matter . He told them that he would put a black pebble and a white pebble into an empty money bag . Then the girl would have to pick one pebble from the bag . 1 ) If she picked the black pebble , she would become his wife and her father 's debt would be forgiven . 2 ) If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father 's debt would still be forgiven . 3 ) But if she refused to pick a pebble , her father would be thrown into jail . They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the farmer s field . As they talked , the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles . As he picked them up , the sharp - eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the bag . He then asked the girl to pick a pebble from the bag . Now , imagine that you were standing in the field . What would you have done if you were the girl ? If you had to advise her , what would you have told her ? Careful analysis would produce three possibilities : 1 . The girl should refuse to take a pebble . 2 . The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and expose the money - lender as a cheat . 3 . The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order to save her father from his debt and imprisonment . Take a moment to ponder over the story . The above story is used with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking . The girl 's dilemma cannot be solved with traditional logical thinking . Think of the consequences if she chooses the above logical answers . What would you recommend to the girl to do ? Think and then proceed further . Well , here is whaRead More . . . There was a man who made a living selling balloons at a fair . He had all colors of balloons , including red , yellow , blue , and green . Whenever business was slow , he would release a helium - filled balloon into the air and when the children saw it go up , they all wanted to buy one . They would come up to him , buy a balloon , and his sales would go up again . He continued this process all day . One day , he felt someone tugging at his jacket . He turned around and saw a little boy who asked , " If you release a black balloon , would that also fly ? " Moved by the boy 's concern , the man replied with empathy , " Son , it is not the color of the balloon , it is what is inside that makes it go up . " The same thing applies to our lives . It is what is inside that counts . The thing inside of us that makes us go up is our attitude . There was a man who worked for the railroad . One day as he went into the freezer compartment to do his routine work , the door accidentally closed and he found himself trapped in the compartment . He shouted for help but no one heard him since it was past midnight . He tried to break down the door but he could not . As he lay in the freezer compartment , he began to feel colder , and colder . Then he began to feel weaker , and weaker , and he wrote on the wall of the compartment , " I am feeling colder , and colder ; and I am getting weaker , and weaker . I am dying , and this may be my last words " . In the morning when the other workers opened up the compartment they found him dead . The sad twist to the above story is that the freezing apparatus in the compartment had broke down a few days earlier . The poor worker did not know about the damaged freezing apparatus and in his mind the freezing apparatus was working perfectly . He felt cold , got weaker and literally willed himself to die . Our sub - conscious mind can be cheated . The sub - conscious mind can only accept and act on information passed to it by the conscious mind . It has no capacity to reject or decline any instructions or information passed to it by the conscious mind . In the case of the poor worker , he consciously thought that he was getting colder , weaker and dying and the sub - conscious mind accepted the above instructions and affected his physical body . That was how he willed himself to die . Once upon a time , a man was passing through a jungle . He saw a monkey and was attracted to it . He called the monkey and to his surprise , the monkey came near him . The man told the monkey that it was his ancestor and so they should cultivate friendship . With different kinds of gestures , he was able to establish friendship with it . The man was just trying to kill time using the monkey as company while crossing the jungle . Suddenly unexpectedly , a lion roared fiercely and pounced in front of them . They scarcely had time to escape . The monkey ran and the man followed suit . They found a very huge tree and soon climbed it . Though they were breathless , they did not stop until they climbed to a safe height . The lion continued to prowl here and there , hoping to catch them when they climbed down . The lion was angry and hungry and awaiting his prey finally sat down under the tree . The man was clinging to one of the strong branches , while the monkey was sitting on a branch with ease , as if nothing had happened . After a prolonged wait , the lion lost patience and proposed to let one of them go scot - free if the other was offered to him as ' food ' . The man and the monkey consulted each other . They even offered to sacrifice their lives for each other , but ultimately concluded that they would live and die together . The lion was disappointed , but not dissuaded . He continued his vigil . Nevertheless , the wait on the tree proved a testing time for both the monkey and the man . They were feeling drowsy . They were both faced with the danger of falling down while dozing on the tree . Ultimately they decided to take turns to sleep . The monkey would sit wide - awake while the man slept and the man would keep vigil while the monkey had his share of sleep . As decided , it was the man 's turn to sleep first , while the monkey kept guard . The monkey slept in the other half of the night , while the man held fort . When the monkey was fast asleep , the man started contemplating . He thought that if he pushed away the sleeping monkey , the lion , as promised , wouldRead More . . . Many years ago , when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital , I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease . Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5 - year old brother , who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness . The doctor explained the situation to her little brother , and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister . I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying , " Yes I 'll do it , if it will save her . " As the transfusion progressed , he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled , as we all did , seeing the color returning to her cheeks . Then his face grew pale and his smile faded . He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice , " Will I start to die right away ? " Actually , being young , the little boy had misunderstood the doctor ; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her ! Such compassion and sacrifice in the heart of a little soul ! It would be an understatement to say that we , as adults , need to learn a lot from kids about unconditional love . During my second month of college , our professor gave us a pop quiz . I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one : " What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school ? " Surely this was some kind of joke . I had seen the cleaning woman several times . She was tall , dark - haired and in her 50s , but how would I know her name ? I handed in my paper , leaving the last question blank . Just before class ended , one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade . " Absolutely , " said the professor . " In your careers , you will meet many people . All are significant . They deserve your attention and care , even if all you do is smile and say " hello . " I 've never forgotten that lesson . I also learned her name was Dorothy . In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less , a 10 - year - old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table . A waitress put a glass of water in front of him . " How much is an ice cream sundae ? " he asked . " Fifty cents , " replied the waitress . The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it . " Well , how much is a plain dish of ice cream ? " he inquired . By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient . " Thirty - five cents , " she brusquely replied . The little boy again counted his coins . " I 'll have the plain ice cream , " he said . The waitress brought the ice cream , put the bill on the table and walked away . The boy finished the ice cream , paid the cashier and left . When the waitress came back , tears rolled down her eyes as she wiped down the table . There , placed neatly beside the empty dish , were two nickels and five pennies . You see , he couldn 't have the sundae , because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip . . . Jenny was a bright - eyed , pretty five - year - old girl . One day when she and her mother were checking out at the grocery store , Jenny saw a plastic pearl necklace priced at $ 2 . 50 . How she wanted that necklace , and when she asked her mother if she would buy it for her , her mother said , " Well , it is a pretty necklace , but it costs an awful lot of money . I 'll tell you what . I 'll buy you the necklace , and when we get home we can make up a list of chores that you can do to pay for the necklace . And don 't forget that for your birthday Grandma just might give you a whole dollar bill , too . Okay ? " Jenny agreed , and her mother bought the pearl necklace for her . Jenny worked on her chores very hard every day , and sure enough , her grandma gave her a brand new dollar bill for her birthday . Soon Jenny had paid off the pearls . How Jenny loved those pearls . She wore them everywhere to kindergarten , bed and when she went out with her mother to run errands . The only time she didn 't wear them was in the shower . Her mother had told her that they would turn her neck green ! Now Jenny had a very loving daddy . When Jenny went to bed , he would get up from his favorite chair every night and read Jenny her favorite story . One night when he finished the story , he said , " Jenny , do you love me ? " " Oh yes , Daddy , you know I love you , " the little girl said . " Well , then , give me your pearls . " " Oh ! Daddy , not my pearls ! " Jenny said . " But you can have Rosy , my favorite doll . Remember her ? You gave her to me last year for my birthday . And you can have her tea party outfit , too . Okay ? " " Oh no , darling , that 's okay . " Her father brushed her cheek with a kiss . " Good night , little one . " A week later , her father once again asked Jenny after her story , " Do you love me ? " " Oh yes , Daddy , you know I love you . " " Well , then , give me your pearls . " " Oh , Daddy , not my pearls ! But you can have Ribbons , my toy horse . Do you remember her ? She 's my favorite . Her hair is so soft , and you can play with it and braid it and everything . You can have Ribbons if you want her , " Daddy , " the liRead More . . .

Sam MacLeish is the private eye in Bill Armstrong 's COLD AS ICE . Obsessed with the vicious shooting murder of his friend Lynn Harding at her Vermont farm house , and the disappearance of her young daughter , Macleish is determined to solve the crime . Making his primitive vacation cabin high in the nearby hills his base , he tries to ferret information from an array of unsavory local characters . In the course of his investigation he manages to alienate the county sherriff and even his own friends . Making blunder after blunder , he finally zeroes in on the murderer , in the process setting himself up as the killer 's next victim . The mysterious , awesome beauty of a cold and snowy Vermont winter forms a strangely lyrical backdrop for the mayhem that follows . COLD AS ICE provides a strong dose of nail - biting suspense wrapped in a lovely pastoral setting . Add to that a sharp - eyed look at the backwoods characters and chronic alcoholism of deepest Vermont , and the result is more than unusual , it is irresistible . The stuffed deer had been displayed in the window of the Reedville country store for as long as I could remember . When I pulled into the lot just before closing time , I noticed that the deer was now wearing sunglasses and an orange Day - Glo watch cap , and there was a Luger squirt gun slung around its neck . Two men I didn 't know were sitting on the porch in front of the store , wearing orange camouflage suits , high lace - up infantry boots and hats much like the deer 's ; the way the men were positioned the squirt gun was aimed right at one of their heads . I was opening the door to the jeep , when a black pick - up skidded into the lot and three men tumbled out , drunk and excited . I heard one of them claim that he 'd have his deer by noon tomorrow . Then he saw the deer in the window and said , pointing , " There 's a big buck right there . " He leaned back inside the truck and took a rifle off the rack above the seat . He put it to his shoulder and aimed it at the window , where Sally was hidden behind the deer . " I 'll get the sucker , " he said and put his finger to the trigger . I got in the jeep and drove off , disgusted . I 'm not a deer hunter . I come up to my camp at this time of year just to keep an eye on the place . I grew apprehensive as I approached the turn - off to my road . My cabin had been broken into a number of times in the twenty years since I 'd built it - always in mid - November , during deer season . There wasn 't much to steal , but knowing that my sanctuary had been violated - and could be again - disturbed me deeply . I drove the two miles up the muddy dirt road , my fingers nervous on the wheel . When I pulled into my dooryard and my headlights swung across the gate , I saw that the padlock was intact and I breathed a little easier . I grabbed a flashlight from the glove compartment , squeezed myself between the gate and post , and walked up the path through the tunnel of spruces that shield my cabin from the road . When I panned the flashlight , the beam caught on something - there was a board leaning up against the front door . Someone had been here . I ran up the last bit of the path , my heart kicking against my ribcage . I stumbled up the steps to the door and saw that it was only a note wedged behind the board to secure it from the wind . No broken windows , no jimmied door . The tension in my neck and shoulders melted and I sat on the step for a second and relaxed - happy now , but irritated that I had to go through this every year . I lived in the city , for Christ 's sake , and yet my apartment there had never been burglarized . I 'd never even been mugged on the street . I unfolded the piece of paper and read , " If you get this note , come over and visit . I 've been here all week and Jim came up this morning . " It was dated today , Friday , November 9 , and signed Lynn and Jim and there was a little happy face next to the signature . The handwriting was Lynn 's delicate swooping curlicue , and the stationery , marbleized paper ; just like her to write the note ahead of time , in case I wasn 't around . After I had the place cozied up , I opened a can of beer and sat out on the deck . The sky was overcast and the air was still . I let the cold silence wash away the city - dirt : I 'd been investigating a securities fraud case and it seemed like everybody I 'd been talking to recently was a professional liar . I woke up early enough in the morning to surprise my hangover . Sometimes it happened that way . I went downstairs and threw a log in the wood stove . When I rummaged through the provisions I 'd brought I discovered that I 'd forgotten to buy coffee ; I had a cold beer for breakfast . The jeep came to life on the first turn of the key . She 's a 1972 Wagoneer , once red , but now faded more to pink , with a smiling front bumper and a fickle personality ; today she was behaving herself . I drove slowly down the mountain on the winding dirt road . At the bottom I turned north on the main road , and a mile later , turned up Ben 's road and passed the Hardings . The farmhouse was quiet , no lights were on , and a thick mist was rising from the fields . Lynn 's new red Subaru was in front of the house and Jim 's old Toyota pick - up was parked beside the barn . I was surprised I didn 't see Jim 's VW Rabbit : the pick - up was just a farm truck . Maybe he 'd gone hunting . I noticed that the Christmas tree farm across the road from the house was doing well , and that pleased me . Last spring Jim and Lynn had planted an acre with Balsam fir seedlings , as sort of a trust fund for their daughter , Margot . I 'd helped them one afternoon : it was backbreaking work and I 'd tired quickly , but Jim and Lynn kept at it for hours , with Lynn handling each seedling as tenderly as if it were her child , and Jim carefully lining up each row straight as a plumb bob . Margot was a lucky girl , I thought , to have a forest planted in her name - and to have parents who would do such a thing . I pulled into the mill ; there was no one around . I looked over the piles of boards by the saw , scuffing through the deep sawdust and breathing in the smell of fresh - cut hemlock , but I didn 't see anything the size I 'd ordered . If Ben had forgotten me , that was par for the course . I waited around for a while and drank the can of beer I 'd brought with me , leaning against the hood of the jeep . He didn 't show up . The right front tire had blown out and the jeep was angled deep into the ditch . I could see it was going to be a bitch to find a place to slip the jack under the chassis . Fortunately the spare was intact and there was a jack and lug wrench in the back of the jeep , but I didn 't have any gloves and by the time I got the rear raised enough to get the wheel off my fingers were frozen to the bone . I remembered there was a flask of scotch in the glove compartment . I took a sip to warm myself . I struggled with the wheel lugs but they were on machine tight and I had to jump on the bar to loosen them . While I was working , shots rang out in the woods . I couldn 't tell where they were coming from , the way they echoed off the surrounding hills , but they were pretty close . I didn 't think I was in much danger standing in the road next to the red jeep , but there were nuts out there who shot at anything that moved and I was wearing a brown jacket . All I needed was a hat with a white pompon , maybe some white mittens , and I 'd be a perfect target . I took another sip off the flask and went back to work , hurrying now . Once the whiskey was warm in my veins it was difficult to keep my hands off the flask , and by the time I had the spare on , it was empty . I locked the hubs into four wheel drive and the jeep came out of the ditch on the second try . When I passed the Hardings it was about eleven in the morning , and had turned into as fine a day as November can deliver . Both the Subaru and the Toyota were there , still no Rabbit . I decided to stop in and visit Lynn . My day wasn 't off to a great start ; maybe she 'd cheer me up and I knew I could use a cup of her good coffee . I thought I held my liquor well , but after two beers and a flask of whiskey on an empty stomach , I had to be a little drunk . I parked the jeep , went up to the house and knocked on the front door , but there was no answer . I opened the door , stuck my head in and yelled , " Hello , Lynn , Jim , anybody home ? " Still no response . I stood in the doorway for a minute and listened to the grandfather clock ticking in the hallway . Petey , Lynn 's brindled tom cat , appeared from the kitchen and greeted me with a plaintive meow . I hollered again . Silence except for the click of the swinging pendulum . I decided to leave a note . As I walked down the hall , Petey followed , brushing his static - charged fur against my leg . Lynn was sitting at the kitchen table in a bathrobe with her back toward me and her head leaning against the wall , as if she were looking out the window . I walked over to her , thinking - in my alcoholic haze - that she must be have been asleep , and what a strange place to be taking a nap in the middle of the morning . It was only when I got closer that I saw the ragged hole in the side of her head and the line of blood tracing down her cheek onto her blouse . On the table there was a red - brown stain , and leading away from it , a trail of bloody paw prints . I swept back her blond hair , and pressed my fingers to her neck . My hand recoiled : her skin was cool and waxy to the touch . I forced my hand back and held it there , but I already knew there would be no pulse . Her flesh was a dull custard , her half - parted lips were completely colorless . Her eyes were open and clear , but as empty as a drained tub , and her arms were held together in front of her by a pair of handcuffs that was threaded around one of the table 's legs . Then I sort of faded out , not really a black - out , more of a brown - out . The next thing I remembered I was talking to the operator on the phone hanging on the kitchen wall . She got hold of the police in Hargrove , which was the closest station . The voice on the other end of the line belonged to Chief Dubois . I had to repeat myself three times before I was confident that he got the picture . Eventually he seemed to get it , though , and told me to stay there and not touch anything . I checked her pulse again to make sure she was really dead . Dead . Lynn Harding dead in her own kitchen on a beautiful morning . I went outside and sat on the lawn and smoked a cigarette . I was pretty sure Jim had gone hunting , but where was Margot , their four - year - old daughter ? I hoped to God Jim had taken her to some baby - sitter 's house . Against my better judgement , I went back into the house . The liquor cabinet was in the living room , so I didn 't have to go back in the kitchen . There was a bottle of Wild Turkey in it that was more than half full . I preferred scotch , the drink of my ancestors , but I had nothing against good bourbon . Back out on the lawn I opened the bottle and took a long pull . I didn 't know if it was going to make me feel better , maybe it would make me feel less . After a while I went back in the house again and went upstairs to look around . I didn 't find anything of interest : the beds were unmade , but there were no signs of theft or violence . While I was upstairs I heard a car go by and thought it might be the cops , but it kept on going . I went back outside and sat in the jeep with the bottle of bourbon . It took a long time for the police to show up . Finally I heard the distant siren , then a squad car came screaming up the dirt road , with its siren blasting and lights flashing , dirt spraying out behind it . The police car skidded to a stop with unnecessary drama and two officers got out . I got out of the jeep . " What seems to be the trouble here ? " asked the older and obviously senior of the two . He was a big man , wearing a brown felt hat with a large brim and a round peak , like the Mounties wear . The chin strap was pulled so tight the cord dug into his jowls and under his chin , emphasizing the folds of his skin . His eyes were small and pinched together . I doubted he always got his man . " I 'm Sam MacLeish , " I said stepping back . " There 's a body in the house that belongs to the woman who lives here , Lynn Harding . She 's dead . " Dubois didn 't say a word but his jaw tightened . He and the deputy walked to the house , Dubois lumbering slowly , and the deputy , a younger , thinner man walking behind him . I followed . I had the desperate hope that when we walked in to the kitchen Lynn would be making coffee and ask us , smiling , if we wanted a cup . So I shut up , for the moment . But I was seething with anger . After he discerned that she was dead , he went over to the phone and dialed headquarters . He reported the situation and ordered an ambulance and back up . I told him how I 'd gone by in the morning , gone to the sawmill , had a flat , come back and stopped to visit . How I went into the house and found the body . My mind fought the booze , alternately clear and fuzzy , but I thought I was making sense . " I have no idea . I assume he went hunting this morning , but I don 't know for sure . They also have a daughter who 's not around . They always bring her with them when they come up here . " We went back and forth for a while , nothing very productive . Chief Dubois didn 't like me anymore than I liked him . Finally he said , " Okay , Harold , take him to the station and have him sign a statement and then he can go home . I 'll wait here for the ambulance . " We got in the police car and Harold drove off . If Dubois was in charge of the investigation , I was sure it would go down as unsolved . The drive to the station was made in silence . I made my statement to a secretary who seemed as bright as Dubois was dull . Afterwards Harold gave me a ride back to get my jeep . When we got back to the Hardings there were three State Police cars and a lot of activity . When Dubois saw us he asked , " What the hell are you doing here ? I thought I told you to go home ? " " What was I supposed to do , walk ? " I said pointing at the jeep . " You moron , " I mumbled under my breath . I couldn 't help myself . As a rule I don 't like cops much ; some people say I have a bad attitude , but I hated this guy . " Now you go home , Mclish . And mind your own business . If I see you back here again I 'm taking you in . Keep your mouth shut about all this - there 's gonna be an investigation and I don 't want you messing it up . " I saw the mailbox out of the corner of my eye , freshly painted black , with bright yellow lettering , primitively hand - scrawled without a stencil . S . Kincaid it said , the " S " almost twice as big as the " K " and in a swooping curlicue . Below it a board had been nailed to the mailbox post , and on it , also scrawled in paint , but this time red and obviously much older , it said " FIRE WOOD FOR SALE . " I eased gingerly onto the bridge , carefully guiding the jeep so that its wheels lined up on the two planks laid across the open joists of the bridge . The house was set in a small clearing in the woods that was shady even in the mid - afternoon . It was a log cabin , not built from a kit , but from huge , skinned logs chinked with mortar and topped with a shake roof . The real McCoy . The lawn was mowed , scrappy with weeds and crabgrass , but it was mowed , and in this shady spot , about as suburban as it could be . There wasn 't any junk around in front of the house , but there were bicycles scattered leaning on the ground all over . I counted six . I walked up to the house and knocked and a woman came to the door and stood behind the screen . I couldn 't see inside the house too well , but the vague outline of her presence looked wide . He unfolded from his splitting crouch and I sized him up , and up and up . Now I 'm a good size fellow myself , but this man was big . He must have been six foot six and hefting a good two fifty , maybe more . Through his white T shirt , I could see a slab of meat around his waist . Some fat , but more muscle . More muscle in his biceps than on my whole body . His feet ! If you ran across his tracks in the snow you 'd swear it was the Yeti . I didn 't know they made shoe sizes that big . His feet must have been size twenty . If he had a cock to match , Mrs . Kincaid would be a satisfied woman , and that would explain all the bikes in the yard . But on top of his tremendous frame , he had a surprisingly small head . Small and pointy . What was most surprising about his head , though , was not its size , but that it was covered with a mat of raven black hair , parted in the middle and sloping down on each side of his ears into two pigtails that were braided half way - down his torso and knotted off with brightly colored elastics , one pink and one green . Willie Kincaid was a full - blooded Native American . " Just a cord . " It looked like this trip was going to cost me some money , but I could always use the wood . It made me think , though , that I wasn 't working on an expense account any more . " Sounds fair , " I said , and it did . That was the going rate . Willie and I had both known it all along , but you have to dicker . It wouldn 't be right otherwise . We went in , which was what I 'd hoped for . The house was modest but neat . The one thing in the living room that wasn 't modest was the walnut - stained gun rack against the wall , filled with a fine array of rifles and two pistols , but none of them were . 22 's . Willie took my name and address and wrote down directions to my camp and made me out a receipt . I offered him twenty dollars down , which he refused . I told him I didn 't have a phone , but would be there all day tomorrow . He said he wasn 't sure when he 'd be up , but if I wasn 't there he 'd leave the wood and catch up to me later . I believed he would . I had to shake hands again before I left . This time I pushed my hand way up into his so his grip came around the heel of my hand . I escaped without any broken bones . Just as I was getting in the jeep , Willie yelled out after me . I continued my lazy way home , enjoying the scenery . Not a bad afternoon 's work , all in all . Too bad I wasn 't getting paid . I liked everything about Willie Kincaid . I thought that when he came up to my house , I could work the conversation around to the murder over a cup of coffee . I didn 't think he did it , but if he 'd been around that day he might have seen something . I drove back up the hill , passed my house , and continued up the road . After about two miles I took a right at an intersection known as Four Corners . I put the hubs in four wheel drive . The jeep bounced along as the road got progressively worse . I was deep in the woods now , no houses on either side . Eventually I came to another turn off , not much more than a rutted trail : Bumpy 's dooryard . I nosed in slowly , but bottomed out with a thud . The jeep came to a halt . I gunned the motor . I was stuck straddling a rock . I put it in reverse and came free with a roaring sound . I looked in the rear view mirror ; lying innocently next to the rock , was the useless , twisted hunk of metal that had once been my muffler . The jeep limped toward Bumpy 's , letting out a ferocious roar . Bumpy lived in a small geodesic dome way back here in the middle of nowhere ; he 'd let some hippies build it on his land back in the sixties and then moved in when they abandoned it . It was just a black ball covered with tar paper , and surrounded by enough beer bottles and cans to start a redemption center . Bumpy came out and slouched in front of the dome . He had shaved his head clean since I 'd last seen him . It was shiny as a trailer hitch , glistening in the rain , and he had a full beard now , beneath his chrome dome , so it looked as if his head were on upside down . " That 'll be fifteen bucks for the muffler , " he said . " But I 'll give you a deal on the installation . Only ten bucks for that . " " Oh , that was just laborer 's work . I charge for managing the installation . Any idiot can turn the bolts . Besides , that muffler has the Midas guarantee . Guaranteed for life , " he said with a dopey look . He grabbed it and we went into the dome . The inside walls were blackened with soot , but the stove was going and at least it was warm and dry . Well , mostly dry . There was a leak in the ceiling dripping into a bucket . It smelled like the men 's room at Fenway Park . I lit a cigarette to cut the odor ; he snatched the pack from me , lit one and put one over each ear . There was a cot , the pot bellied stove , some clothes lying around , a pin - up on the wall , beer bottles and the one window let in enough light so I could see pretty well . Better than I wanted to . He was relentless and had been conning me for years . I always felt it was a fair deal , though : he 'd con me out of beer , cigarettes and small bills and I 'd get to hear his stories in return . I peeled off a ten and a five and gave them to him . After all I 'd just sold my apartment . He stuffed the bills in an old shoe by his bed - probably his total net worth at the moment . He drained the first beer and opened another . I hated to bring him beer , but he wouldn 't have anything to do with me if I didn 't , and I wanted to loosen his tongue . I didn 't know if he was already drunk or not . That was one thing you could say for Bumpy : he never acted drunk . Or rather , he never acted sober . What I mean is , he never acted much different than he was now . He had achieved the state where the smallest amount of booze would make him drunk and a large amount wouldn 't make him any drunker . And even if he wasn 't drinking , he was still drunk from the day before , so basically , Bumpy was always drunk . " I told you fifteen years ago you 'd try to move up here someday . You won 't make it through the winter , though . You flatlanders , you ain 't mountain people . When the going gets tough , you 'll move back . You mark my words . It 's lonely up here . " I brushed off his comments , just macho bullshit , but I remembered how sad I was to see the leaves matted on the deck and the cold mist settling on my land . It was going to be a long winter and there wouldn 't be much company . Except for him , of course . " That Lynn was a nice lady and her daughter was a cute kid . I guess they should have stayed down in the city where they belonged . It 's too bad , though , that the old bastard got away with it . " " Already did . I told the chief and he didn 't believe a word of it , told me I was a crazy old drunk . No respect . But I saw it with my own eyes , I did . " I was trying to hide my excitement . Dubois hadn 't made any mention in his report of Bumpy saying anything . Maybe he didn 't even check it out . But remembering the incident with Bumpy 's false accusation of Jerry Hitchcock , I could see why . After all Bumpy was a crazy old drunk . What the hell was the old geezer talking about ? I 'd get it out of him , but I had to be patient . " Now , I just said I got no reason to tell you . I might just have to think about whether I ought to tell you or not . You know it wouldn 't do Lynn any good if I told you . But I 'll think about it and maybe some night if I got drunk enough , on some good sipping whiskey , like Jack Daniels , for instance , I might just decide to tell you what I know . " I got the jeep back to the main road alright without losing my " new " muffler . " What a fucking crazy old bastard , " I swore . He could actually know who did it and put a price of a bottle of Jack Daniels on the information . He was that incorrigible . Of course it was ten to one that he was just conning me from the start to get some more booze out of me . But anyway I looked at it , I was going to have to go back up there with a bottle of Jack Daniels and play the sucker . When I got home I caught up on my notes . I tried not to think about Bumpy and his tantalizing con , but I couldn 't help it , maybe the whole case was going to open right up . After all , it was hard to imagine that a woman could be killed and her daughter disappear in such a small town with such a watchful population without somebody knowing something . The lot wasn 't plowed out , so we parked on the road . There were a couple of other cars there , too . People had been skiing already and there were tracks criss - crossing the fields ; we wouldn 't have to break trail all afternoon . The track was smooth and fast and the snow still crisp , even under the noonday sun . We skied across the landing strip and into the woods . Sandy went first . She had a smooth , effortless stride and was getting a lot of glide out of her kick . I had to push myself to keep up . But I was inspired : the view of the mountains and fields was good , but it was nothing compared to the view I had skiing right behind her . I followed her through a sugarbush of maples , their trunks elegant as marble columns against the snowy expanse . We crossed the track of a hare ; its prints smudged in the powder made it look like a giant rabbit . The beech saplings still had their leaves and they were a dry , papery light - brown , stunning against the white background . The hardwood forest gave way to spruce and suddenly we were tunneling through thick snow - laden conifers , a silent world of deep green and white . The trail headed gradually up and I followed hard on Sandy 's butt . She was in good shape and I hoped I wasn 't going to embarrass myself ; my breath was already coming faster . At the top of the hill , we came out into an orchard and she stopped . As I pulled up behind her I did my best to breath deeply and slowly , not give away how out of shape I was . The orchard sloped away from us , completely white with snow , as if it were mid - February . We cruised down across the orchard , floating on top of the snow , carving big wide turns . At the bottom , the trail headed along a stream bank and then back up a long hill toward the State Forest . Up and down we went , across fields , then back into the forest , then out into fields again . And her pace was blistering . By the time she stopped again my lungs were on fire , my arms dead weights , and my legs rubbery . She flogged on . Finally she stopped . We found a fallen tree near the edge of the forest and I swept the snow off it and spread my windbreaker out on the log for us to sit on . We had to sit pretty close together . In front of us the entire ridge of the Green Mountains was white against the sky . We could see all the way to Mt . Mansfield . We ate the sandwiches and apples and cheese in silence . This sure beat sitting in a bar in Boston , drooling into a mug of cheap beer . I had a lot to be thankful for . But at the same time I couldn 't help but think that a cold bottle of Chablis would put the final touch on this scene . I had to remind myself that wasn 't how it would 've been : if I had the bottle of wine with me now , I would 've had two last night and wouldn 't be here with her . After lunch the temperature dropped rapidly and a breeze came up . I got my second wind and it was a good thing , because Sandy was hell bent . When we finally got back to the jeep I was truly punished . On the way home I stopped at the top of the notch . The sun was just dipping over the mountains , the sky cascading with irregular bands of orange and purple . I rolled down my window and stuck my head out ; the wind had kicked up and snow was dancing on the peaks . I hoped it would be sunny in the morning , but another storm would suit me fine too .

We just got back from having fast food for our New Year 's Eve dinner . As you can probably guess , that wasn 't the original plan . A couple of our friends invited us to meet them at a steakhouse , and we were excited . We hadn 't had a chance to hang out with them in quite a while . Plus , they have a son who 's only 3 months younger than Biscuit . Jeff and I used the call - ahead seating option , thinking it would make things easier with the boys , as 2 - year - olds aren 't known for their patience . We got to the restaurant , and our friends were already there . They didn 't know we had called ahead , so they had put their name on the wait list . We met at 5 p . m . , thinking that should ensure us a quick wait before being able to eat ( or more accurately , a quick wait before we could feed our boys ) . Our friends were told there was a 30 - minute wait . And Jeff and I found out the call - ahead seating was baloney . All they did was move our name from the call - ahead list to the bottom of the wait list . At 6 p . m . , we were still waiting , and the hostesses were still telling people it would be 30 minutes as they walked in the door . One of our boys was on the verge of a meltdown , and the other was starting to whine about being hungry . Our friend made a joke about just going to a fast food place , and the more I thought about it , the better the idea sounded . Even if they had called our name next to take us to our table , we would still have had to wait for our server , then wait for our drinks , then wait for our food . And for toddlers , waiting for an hour to get to the table is bad enough , much less all the other stuff . So we had some fast food and let the boys play , the adults were able to talk , and we had plenty of room to spread out . We were all getting pretty stressed out at the steakhouse , so I think the fast food place just allowed us to be more relaxed and at ease . It wasn 't exactly what we had planned for our New Year 's Eve , but anyone who 's had a toddler knows that 2 - year - olds are unpredictable , and until they 're not toddlers anymore , our lives will bePosted by Biscuit was so overwhelmed ( and we were , too ) by everyone 's generosity at Christmas . He got books and toys and clothes and musical instruments and . . . you get the point . So we decided to hold back a couple presents from Jeff 's parents until today . It was a good idea . This " Cars " - themed helmet goes with . . . . . . this " Cars " - themed scooter . " Biscuit tried to ride the scooter like we told him , but it didn 't work quite right . So . . . He figured out his own way to do it . Either way , it was a great present , and he said , " Giffin happy . " I won 't beat around the bush when I say I think my son is really smart . But hey , don 't all parents think their kids are smart ? ! ? But I would love to tell people out there in the world that we 're not trying to impress anybody when we make our son say " hello " or " thank you " or " I want a sannich ( sandwich ) , please . " We 're trying to teach him how to socialize with people , how to ask for what he wants and how to do both of those things without being a rude little snot . I translate when it 's needed ( like when we 're ordering at restaurants ) , but I encourage him to talk to people and ask for what he wants . When my brother and I were kids , our parents made us order at restaurants . They gave us a couple of choices , and when the server came , we told him or her what we wanted to eat . By doing that , we learned early on that by looking people in the eyes and telling them what we want , they almost always gained some respect for our independence and social abilities , oh , and they gave us what we wanted ! At the time , I 'm sure it was just an ego trip for us because someone was making a fuss over us . But now , I can talk to anyone , any time with no problem . And I relate it directly back to my parents teaching us how to do it when we were little . So now we 're working to do the same thing with Biscuit . Last night , when we had dinner out , I ordered Biscuit 's meal , then said to him , " Can you tell her what you 'd like for dinner ? " " Sannich and fries , " Biscuit said . I put my hand up for a high - five and said , " Good job , little man ! " For the past couple of weeks , Biscuit has had a cold and hasn 't wanted much to eat . This week , however , he is making up for lost time . He is requesting food by name , and woe is us if we don 't have what he wants . He doesn 't understand how we could possibly be out of something he wants to eat . Tonight was a good example . We had stewed apples last night with dinner , and Biscuit loves him some stewed apples . He ate two pretty - good sized helpings , then asked for more . Our friend 's grandfather died , so we wanted to go to the funeral home for visitation tonight . I had to work late , so I called Jeff and asked if he could give Biscuit a snack that would hold him over until we could have dinner . Upon opening the fridge , Jeff spied the leftover apples and figured that would be a good snack . And it was . Until they were all gone . And Biscuit wanted more . Mayhem ensued , and poor Jeff had the nerve to try to appease Biscuit with apple sauce . Nothing doing . Everybody knows stewed apples and apple sauce are nowhere near the same thing . The sad part is that Jeff said Biscuit had been in a great mood before that . I felt bad for both of them . We spent about 20 minutes at the funeral home , and I was really pleased with how good Biscuit was . Even when he got antsy and was ready to go , all he did was say to me , " Ready to go home , Mom . " He spoke to all the ladies who fussed over him , and he gave hugs to our friends when we got ready to leave . Then he walked over , grabbed his stroller and pushed it to where we were standing . After the funeral home , we stopped by a restaurant we like . I figured I 'd just let Biscuit pick off of my plate . But he asked for a sannich and fries . I was hesitant because when he was sick , we ordered for him at a couple of restaurants , and he didn 't even touch the food . But tonight , he chowed down . When Biscuit moved into the 2 - year - old class at daycare , the weekly rate went down $ 5 . I thought that would be a $ 20 a month bonus , but if he keeps eating like he has this week , it looks like that cash will be redirected toward thePosted by We 've had several instances lately of the stereotypical 2 - year - old behavior . Tantrums here and there , picky eating ( he used to eat anything you put in front of him ) , not wanting to do the daily routine things , such as getting a bath , getting dressed or going to bed . None of those things has ever been a problem before . We had a couple of those instances during the Christmas weekend . He asked for apple sauce then wouldn 't eat it . He wanted to watch TV then got up and started playing instead . He wanted his coat on , even though we had no plans to go outside . Just ornery , stubborn , 2 - year - old behavior . Saturday night , we were at my Mama 's house . Biscuit woke up about 4 a . m . and started calling my name . I asked him if he was okay , and he said , " Want go home , Mom . " Biscuit has a really nice mattress on his bed . Believe it or not , it has the same back support as the mattress on mine and Jeff 's bed . So I 'm sure that sleeping in a playpen in a room that wasn 't his own was not the most desirable way for him to spend a night . We found out this morning how glad he was to have spent the night in his own bed in his own room . When Biscuit got up this morning , he was the most cooperative child you could ever imagine . Jeff asked him what he wanted for breakfast , and he said he wanted oatmeal . Then he proceeded to eat the entire bowl , non - stop . After Biscuit finished eating , Jeff took him into our bedroom to strip him down for a bath . Biscuit then walked on his own into our bathroom , climbed over the side of the tub grabbing his duckie on the way and sat down , even though there wasn 't any water in the tub yet . Biscuit allowed Jeff to dress him with no drama . He got his shoes and coat on with no problem . Then he went off to day care as happy as a clam . Jeff did have to deal with a couple of issues when he went to pick Biscuit up this evening . Apparently , Biscuit was mad that Jeff didn 't pick him up in Grandpa 's car . Jeff was off last week , so he took his parents around town to do some Christmas shopping . Their car is bigger than Jeff 's , so Posted by Biscuit got his very own cell phone and key fob . And of course , they both make noise . The key fob has a cranking car noise , a car alarm and the beep - beep you hear when the doors lock . The phone makes dialing noises and believe it or not , makes clicking noises like you 're taking a picture . Biscuit picked his phone up and started pushing buttons . " Who are you calling , Biscuit ? " I asked . " Santa Caus , " he said . " What are you going to say to him ? " I asked . " Hey - ho ( hello ) . Santa came see Giffin , " Biscuit said into the phone . " Thank you , Santa Caus . " We made our usual rounds this Christmas to make sure we spent some time with everybody . We were with Jeff 's family on Christmas Eve , home for Christmas morning , then with my family Christmas evening . I was worried that we would be rushing Biscuit 's Christmas time by spending time away from home on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day , but he seemed to have a good time with everybody and went right along with whatever we were doing . We took Biscuit to see Santa , and he also has several Christmas - related books , so when Christmas morning came , he sorta got it . The first problem we had was that he slept late . . . really late for him . Biscuit is usually up by 7 : 30 a . m . at the latest . Even on Saturdays and Sundays . He doesn 't understand the sleeping - late - on - weekends thing yet . So I got up , got some things ready for our trip later that day , and waited . . . and waited . . . and waited . Jeff got up , and I made him some coffee . " He 's not awake , " I said . " That 's okay . Let him sleep as long as he wants to , " Jeff said . " WHAT ? ! ? It 's Christmas morning . He needs to be awake . Santa came ! Go poke him , " I said to Jeff . " I 'm not going to poke him , " Jeff said . Luckily , I heard Biscuit start stirring upstairs . Then he started yelling for Jeff to come get him . When you step out of Biscuit 's room , you can look over the loft railing down into the living room . Jeff went up to get Biscuit , and when they stepped out to the railing , I got his attention from downstairs . Biscuit 's eye immediately went to a big red dump truck . " Need dump truck , Dad . Need dump truck . " Jeff brought Biscuit downstairs , and he went straight for the truck . Then he sorta staggered back and started to take it all in . " Got books , Mom . Oooo . Guitar . " He grabbed the guitar and started pushing buttons . The guitar has buttons and levers instead of strings and each one plays a different snippet of a song . And luckily , it has an off button , too . Biscuit almost looked over a red bucket of vehicles . They 're very simply made , and they all link to each other . The bucket includes cars , trucks , boatPosted by I think my Biscuit baby was tired . What do you think ? He 's had a nasty cold and hasn 't been eating much of anything . So even though it was 10 p . m . when he asked for toast , Jeff made him a piece on the off chance that he just might eat it . And he did eat most of it . . . until he fell asleep . . . with the toast hanging out of his mouth . Besides marrying Jeff , having Biscuit is the best thing I 've even done . No question . But . . . there are times when I feel like I 'm missing out . Jeff and I love movies . We used to see at least one movie per weekend , sometimes two . In the past two years , I think I 've seen about 10 movies total at the theater . We get DVDs and watch TV , but it 's not the same . We also used to see a good many music shows around our area . I took Jeff to a concert last week as part of his Christmas present . Other than that , the last music show we saw together was when I was pregnant , more than 2 years ago . But the thing that has bothered me most lately is that I don 't get to keep up with friends as much anymore . I have a regularly scheduled gathering with three girlfriends , but with conflicting schedules lately , that meeting hasn 't happened as often . Friends ' lives are continuing as usual , but I 'm out of the loop . I don 't have time to keep up with the social networks . I don 't text . Cell phone calls are usually kept to a few short minutes . And spur - of - the - moment coffee dates , all - day shopping trips or scheduled spa treatments are almost non - existent . Need proof ? Two of my friends went together and got me a gift card for an " ultimate pedicure " for my birthday . My birthday is in July . I got the spa treatment last week . . . by taking a vacation day . But boy was it worth it . My toes are the shiny red of the glass Christmas balls on our tree ! But ultimately , the disappointment I occasionally feel about my lack of social interaction is no comparison to how I feel when I look at Biscuit 's sleeping face or when he hugs my leg and says , " I love you , Mom . " It 's a trade off , but it 's absolutely one I 'd make over and over again . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I just had this conversation with Jeff after reading him this post : Jeff : What worries you about the post ? Me : It sounds like a pity party . And I hate pity parties . Jeff : I don 't think it sounds that way . It just says how you feel . Me : Well , I guess the ending is the important party . It iPosted by I 've always thought I was lacking in the patience department . But as I 've grown older , I 've figured out that it 's not that I don 't have any patience , it 's that I don 't have patience with certain situations . I guess I the old saying is true for me . . . I don 't suffer fools lightly . I get really riled up in traffic . I get incredibly frustrated with people who don 't work hard at their jobs . I get so mad at people who don 't show common courtesies to others . But when it comes to my son , my patience seems to be exponentially greater . Sometimes , much like his father , he is soooooo slow . Some mornings it takes him 5 minutes to get from the house , down the steps and to the car . But it 's important to him that he gets to do it himself . Therefore , it 's important to me , and my usual speed decreases to match his slow - pokey - ness . It happens at meal - time , too . It 's important for Biscuit to use his fork and spoon and feed himself . He 's pretty good at it , too . But oh , how I have to hold myself back . Sometimes it takes him FOR - ever to eat . And he spills food . And he gets excited and waves his fork back and forth , flinging food on the table and floor . And he gets some bites alllll - most to his mouth before the food falls off the fork . But instead of grabbing the food and shoving it in his mouth , he puts it back on his plate and starts all over again . ( There is documented stubborn - ness on both sides of Biscuit 's family . ) And it happens when he 's playing , too . He stacks his blocks together as high as they 'll go , then they all fall over , and he has to start again . Sometimes I 'll explain to him that if he 'll build a more solid foundation for his blocks , he can build higher . But I have to walk that fine line between explaining / helping / teaching and taking over / doing it for him / not letting him figure it out on his own . I don 't know where this patience comes from . I 've tried to rationalize that if I can have this kind of patience with Biscuit , I can have it for that little - bittty lady in that big ol ' SUV with the cell phone pressed against her earPosted by I was in the laundry room just now , loading clothes in the washer , and Biscuit walked up behind me and was trying to tell me something . I couldn 't understand what he was saying over the noise of the washing machine . So we walked into the kitchen , and then it all became clear . He held his index finger up in the air and said , " Get boogah , Mom ? " He had picked his nose and a sizable , gooey prize was balancing on the top of his finger . So I grabbed a tissue , and we got things cleaned up . He said , " Thanks , Mom . Get boogah out . " " Thank YOU for telling me about it , " I said back to him . I figured if I encouraged him , he might tell me again instead of me having to find that prize on the coffee table or the couch or some other place . I know they have to learn everything . . . from how to eat to ABCs to getting dressed . . . EVERYthing . But I honestly never thought about needing to teach him what to do with things he found in his nose ! Oh well . One more lesson learned ! I sent Biscuit so day care with his shoes on the wrong feet this morning . I really wish I had an excuse . But I don 't . Jeff loves a scene in " The Blues Brothers " where Jake is trying to get himself off the hook for doing something dumb . He says , " It wasn 't my fault . Honest ! I ran out of gas . I had a flat tire . I didn 't have enough money for cab fare . My tux didn 't come back from the cleaners . An old friend came in from out of town . Someone stole my car ! There was an earthquake ! A terrible flood ! Locusts ! It wasn 't my fault ! ! ! " Yeah , that 's what happened . That hateful woman cut my baby ! She made my baby BLEED ! ! ! Okay , she 's not actually a hateful woman . And he only bled a few drops . Jeff took Biscuit to get a haircut this evening while I was running errands . Biscuit wanted to sit in the stylist 's chair by himself . The stylist put a drape around him , and he just sat there looking around . The stylist seemed to like Biscuit . He talked a lot to her , he liked the doorbell that rang when customers came in , and when her telephone rang , he said , " Telephone ! " just to make sure she heard it . Finally , the stylist started snipping . When she was almost finished cutting Biscuit 's hair , she leaned in to cut close around his right ear . I guess it must have tickled Biscuit because he jumped , and the stylist nipped his ear with the scissors . SHE CUT MY BABY ! ! ! Jeff said that Biscuit didn 't even cry . He said his eyebrows furrowed together and he frowned like he couldn 't figure out what happened , but then he just sat there . The stylist , however , was pretty upset . Jeff said she started to freak out . " Relax , " Jeff said . " It 's barely bleeding , and Biscuit isn 't even crying . " Jeff was afraid that if she freaked out , Biscuit would freak out . So , he told her just to keep going . . . and she did . She didn 't charge full price for the cut and seemed surprised when Jeff wanted to leave her a tip . Biscuit has a tiny mark on the top of his ear and a cute , new haircut . I think everyone will be just fine . A post from The Daddy Man : Biscuit and I were sitting on the couch reading books , when he looked up and said , " Dad Mills . " " Is that my name ? " I asked . " Yep . Dad Mills , " Biscuit said . So from now on , you can refer to me as " Mills . Dad Mills . " Jeff was warm and comfy in his sweats and slippers . The last thing he wanted was to do was bundle up and take Biscuit outside in the snow . After all , when he was a kid , he dealt with snow from late October until April . But after I reminded him that this would be the first time Biscuit played in the snow , and what with my whooping cough and all , Jeff begrudgingly got dressed and took Biscuit outside . And yes , you read correctly . I have whooping cough ! Can you believe that ? It sounds like something out of the 1890s . I got three shots and two types of medicine . It 's been pretty rough , but hopefully , I 'm on the upswing . Luckily , Biscuit has had enough of his pertussis vaccinations that he was able to fend it off . And unlike mine , Jeff 's titer was still effective , so he didn 't get the cough , either . Anyway , back to the snow fun . . . I had already put Biscuit 's snow hat on . But he decided he needed his baseball cap on , too . This hat makes it look like Biscuit has pigtails ! Those overalls are great . They are waterproof and lined with fleece , so Biscuit was toasty warm while he played . Did I bundle him up enough ? I felt kinda bad because the mittens I put on him didn 't have thumbs . Plus , I put them on before I put on his coat , so they were tucked under his sleeves , and he couldn 't have gotten them off it he had wanted to . He did manage to pick up a stick without using thumbs , but he couldn 't make a snowball . Jeff had to make them for him . I took a couple of short videos of Biscuit in the snow . He didn 't like it at all in the beginning , but then , as you can probably guess , after about 10 minutes , he didn 't want to come inside . He was telling me that he liked the snowses ( he 's still figuring out plurals ) , but it sounded like , " Like noses , Mom . " And to whoever handed down the red , waterproof , fleece - lined overalls , thank you , thank you , thank you . They were PERFECT in the snow . Biscuit 's legs were toasty warm when he came back inside . Biscuit got a kick out of the snow we got today . He kept walking to the kitchen door to watch it . " Look . No . It nowing . It nowing . " No = snow . So I asked him if he 'd like to go outside and touch the snow . " NO WAY , Mom ! " he said to me . So we watched it from the comfort of our warm house . I just left dirty dishes on the kitchen table , but I had to write this down RIGHT NOW to make sure I remembered all the details . Biscuit has a high chair that mounts in a kitchen chair . And for the past little while , we 've just been pulling it up to the table instead of putting the tray on it . He seems to enjoy eating at the table with us . Plus , it makes him closer to us so we can help him eat . The problem , though , is that there 's a crossbeam under the table that Biscuit has found , and he spends a good part of dinner with his feet propped there . That was fine until he started pushing off from the beam , using it as a lever to lift the front two legs of his chair off the floor . Of course we 've tried the logical approach of telling him that if he pushes too far , he 'll fall . But he doesn 't get it . So Jeff and I tried putting a foot on either side of the chair to hold it down , but not only was that not comfortable for us , as soon as we moved our feet , he would do it again . And sometimes , he 'll even push the high chair back then put his feet on top of the table . Needless to say , THAT is not acceptable , either . So tonight , Jeff had had enough . Biscuit pushed his chair into the air and got scolded . Then he put his feet up on the table . So Jeff grabbed the arm of the chair and spun him 90 degrees away from the table . Oh , but didn 't THAT get his attention ! Biscuit burst into tears . He started talking , but we couldn 't understand what he was saying . We didn 't want to ask him to repeat himself because we were ignoring the whole tantrum thing . Finally , as the tears were streaming down his little cheeks , Biscuit said , " I 'm mad . I 'm mad . I 'm mad . Mom and Dad , I 'm mad . I cying . I cying , Mom and Dad . I cying . " It was the most pitiful thing I 've ever seen . So Jeff said , " Biscuit , do you know why I pushed you away from the table ? " " Yeeessss , " Biscuit said , still crying . " Tell me you 're sorry for putting your feet on the table , " Jeff said . " Sowwy , put feet table , Daaaaaad , " Biscuit said , still crying . " Down , pease , Dad ? " So Jeff took Biscuit out Posted by Here are a few funny things Biscuit is saying right now : For words that begin with the letters " sn , " he doesn 't pronounce the " s . " So that wet white stuff we got today isn 't " snow , " it 's " no . " He also sees pictures of " nakes " and asks for a " nack . " If he sees an animal and doesn 't know what sound it really makes , he assumes it roars . " Biscuit , what does a zebra say ? " " ROOOOOOAAAAARRRRR ! ! ! ! ! " Motorcycles are " Go - go , " so quite logically , bicycle is " bi - go - go . " When he holds his little baseball bat , he says he has a bat . When he holds a ball , he says he has a ball . But when he 's holding both at the same time , he says , " Got ballgame , Mom . " As far as his accent goes , it ain 't Southern , that 's for sure . Well , all except when he says " fire . " I turned the gas logs on in the living room , and Biscuit said , " Oooo , far . " Nice . Not only does he have a one - word Southern accent . It 's even more country - fied than mine ! Biscuit was excited to see me come in from the grocery store last week with a crate of orange balls . I guess he assumed he would get to play with them . Little did he know that they were clementines ( from Spain , of course , according to The Daddy Man , we can 't have those nasty California clementines ) . So the first time Jeff started peeling one to eat it , Biscuit lost it . He burst into tears and started yelling , " Boke it , Dad . Boke it . " Poor thing though Jeff was ruining the orange balls I brought home . Jeff tried to explain to him that it was fruit to eat , so Biscuit grabbed one and tried to take a bite out of it . . . peeling still intact . I think our boy has many food lessons to learn . I don 't even want to think about the chicken , cow and pig conversation . Remember all that stuff I was excited about Biscuit learning in the 2 - year - old class ? Well . . . let 's just say there are drawbacks , too . Now , instead of saying , " Mom , I hungy , " it goes like this : Biscuit : " Mom , I hungy . " Me : " Okay , let 's go to the kitchen . " Biscuit : " No . I REAWY hungy . " Same goes with " reawy seepy , " " reawy tired and " reawy happy . " Oh , and we also now hear , " NO WAY , Mom " about dang - near everything . " Are you ready for dinner ? " " NO WAY , Mom . " " Let 's get your shoes on . " " NO WAY , Mom . " Wonder how he 's gonna feel next time he wants to go outside to play , and I say , " NO WAY , Biscuit ! " ? ? Biscuit has only been in the 2 - year - old class for a few weeks now , but we have really noticed his progress . I don 't know if it 's the teachers , the curriculum , the other kids in the class or just that our baby is an incredible genius ( I vote for this one ! ) , but he 's really turning into his own little person . The other morning , Jeff and Biscuit were having breakfast . Jeff had put one of Biscuit 's CDs in as their dining music . I walked into the kitchen to find Jeff doing some kind of funny little dance , while Biscuit chanted , " Go Dada . Go Dada . Go Dada . " After asking one of his teachers , I found out that 's how they encourage the kids when they have dance time at day care . But he seems to be remembering that stuff enough now to come home and share it with us . He 's also getting into routines . When I get him from his crib every morning , I ask , " Did you sleep well ? " He used to just say , " Yeah , Mama . " Lately , he says , " Yeah , Mama . I seep well . " And if I forget to ask , now , he volunteers the information on his own . " I seep well , Mom . I seep well . " Jeff usually gives Biscuit his bath after dinner . As he 's taking Biscuit out of the bathtub , lately , Biscuit has been saying , " Brush teeth , Dad ? Brush teeth ? " He also has to have the same couple of toys in the tub with him ( even though he has about 10 ) . Biscuit also expects the same routine for post - bath . He and Jeff make all kind of weird noises at each other , then Biscuit gets a diaper and jammies . They have to talk about whatever critter or vehicle is on the jammies , too . I need to interrupt this post to tell you about the scene on my couch right now . Jeff and Biscuit are reading " Brown Bear , Brown Bear " and when they got to the part about the white dog , both of them started barking and howling . Here 's Biscuit 's howl : " Ah ah ah oooooo ! " And he says it just like I typed it , as four separate words . Anyway , back to his progress . . . Biscuit is also understanding more lately about emotions . He heard a baby crying in a store the other day and said , " Baby sad , Mom . Baby cying . " Or a littPosted by We had a nice , calm Thanksgiving . My parents were the only visitors we had . They came into town Wednesday and left Saturday morning , so the whole long weekend has been pretty low - key . I accidentally took some non - drowsy cold medicine at 2 : 15 a . m . Friday morning . So when I was still awake at 3 : 40 , I thought , " Hey , why don 't I go to Target ? " It was 3 : 40 , I wasn 't thinking clearly ! I brushed my teeth and threw on some slouchy clothes , then I got in the car and drove the 10 minutes to Target . I saw a few other cars on the highway and wondered whether they were going to work or going shopping . But as I rounded the corner into the shopping center parking lot , my jaw dropped . The Target parking lot was full . FULL - as in there wasn 't a single parking space left . The parking lot next to the Target one was full , too . I honestly thought when I saw that many cars that other stores were open , too . Nope , just Target . They had a path cordoned off out the side door , down the side of the building , past four small shops , across the front of Bed , Bath and Beyond and almost to where the door of Michael 's is . And the line wasn 't single - file , either . It was about three or four people wide in most spots . I got there at 3 : 58 and decided there was no way I was going to walk to the end of that line . So I sat in this little courtyard at the side of the building and waiting until the doors opened and the hoards of people started filing into the store . I stepped into the back of the line and made my way into the store . It was crazy . I only wanted a couple of things , so I didn 't get a buggy . I was heading back to the electronics department , so I was really , really glad I didn 't have a buggy . It was worse than any traffic jam I 've ever seen . People were running over the ankles of the people in front of them . Luckily , the only incidents of that I saw were accidents . They had a whole separate line for the big fancy TVs . That wasn 't what I was after , so I just kept on walking . I grabbed the things I needed and headed to the checkout . Boy was I surprisedPosted by Some things Biscuit has said today : When we see the moon , I say to Biscuit , " I see the moon . The moon sees me . God bless the moon , and God bless me . " Well , this morning , we saw a dog on the way to day care . I said to Biscuit , " See the dog ? " Biscuit said , " See dog , Mom . See dog . God bess dog . Bess me . " Jeff : " Biscuit , what do you want for dinner ? " Biscuit : " COOKIES ! " Jeff : " You want cookies for dinner ? " Biscuit : " Yeah , okay . Have cookies . " Just now , a Bojangle 's restaurant commercial came on . Their slogan is " It 's Bo time . " Apparently , Biscuit liked that . " BO TIME ! BO TIME ! " he said as the commercial went off . He 's never even eaten at a Bojangle 's . I grew up in the woods . We didn 't have neighbors or traffic . My brother and I could ride our bikes whenever and wherever we wanted without fear of getting run over or snatched up . But now , I like living in a city . Growing up in the country , we never started making a recipe until we had checked to make sure we had all the ingredients . The nearest grocery store was 20 minutes away . Where I live now , I have a grocery store exactly 1 mile from my house . Our town has two malls , three Targets , three Walmarts and all kinds of local and chain stores . There 's a children 's museum . There 's a zoo within 45 minutes . There 's a science center a few miles away . We have library branches all over the place and parks and playgrounds scattered all over the city . I think all of that stuff will be really good while we 're raising Biscuit . But I have to say , there are a lot of times that I feel sad that he won 't have the freedom that I had growing up . We live on a cul - de - sac , but there are teenagers with new driver 's licenses , which means riding a bike on and around our driveway can only be done under strict supervision . We have trees in our yard , but not really any that are right for climbing . There 's nowhere for Biscuit to explore . Luckily , it 's only a 2 1 / 2 - hour drive to get back to where I grew up . My parents still live there . So does my brother , his wife and three kids . So even though Biscuit won 't get to be there every day , he 'll still get to have some of the same experiences I had as a kid . . . the creek , tractors , dirt bikes , bonfires , walking in the woods , four - wheelers , the dune buggy , the tree house . We visited my parents last weekend for Biscuit 's second birthday , and I stole a little bit of time away to take a walk around the pond . There was no wind that day . You couldn 't hear cars on the far - away highway . If airplanes ever do come over , they 're so high up that you can barely hear them . On that walk , I heard something I hadn 't heard in a while . . . complete silence . It was so quiet that it hurt my ears . I 'm used to a busy newsroom , Posted by I gave Biscuit a choice of a grilled cheese sandwich or a peanut butter sandwich for dinner tonight . I 'm still sick and didn 't feel like cooking , and Jeff was still at work . He chose peanut butter and seemed pretty excited about it . Biscuit isn 't opposed to the crusts on the bread , but sometimes he has a hard time biting them . So I cut his sandwich in half for him . That was fine . But then I tore one of those halves in half , thinking it would help him eat around the crusts . Boy , I couldn 't have been more wrong . " No break , Mom ! No break ! " Then he wanted me to put the two pieces of the sandwich back together . I held the two pieces together so the edges matched , but that apparently wasn 't right . " Other side , Mom . Other side . " I tried to explain to him that the other sides didn 't fit together , but I think it would 've been easier explaining a whale lying in my front yard . I was sharing this story just now with Jeff , and his only comment was , " Now you can feel my broken fruit pain . " Yes . Yes I can . Biscuit got his fall school pictures taken today . All three poses turned out so cute that I can 't decide between them . Check him out : Biscuit 's class was full and without a spare teacher , so I took him down the hall to have his pictures done . The photographer was really good with the kids . He told Biscuit to say " monkey . " Then when Biscuit said it , the photographer said , " What did you call me ? " and made Biscuit laugh . The first time we took Biscuit to see Santa , I was standing off to the side , and when they started taking pictures , Biscuit was distracted by me and wouldn 't look at them . I started calling his name and trying to get him to smile and look at the photographer . Then I realized that I was sticking my nose in where it didn 't belong . Those people were professionals who take pictures of kids all day long , so I realized I should butt out and let them work . I remembered that lesson today , so when the photographer would pose Biscuit , I would step behind the big camera setup to hide . The photographer looked at me as if to ask what I was doing . I told him that I was trying to hide so Biscuit would look at him and not me . You would 've thought I handed this guy a gold brick or something . He said , " Thank you SO much . That is such a huge help . " I guess it worked . The pictures were really cute . I don 't know whether to think this is funny or to be horrified , but TV has invaded Biscuit 's real life . One of his favorite shows on Nick Jr . is " Ni Hao , Kai - lan . " It 's about a little Chinese girl named Kai - lan , her friends and grandfather . The other words in the title , " Ni Hao , " means " hello " in Mandarin Chinese . There 's a little Asian girl at Biscuit 's day care . . . can you see where I 'm heading with this ? ! ? Yep , that 's right . Every time Biscuit sees her , he starts yelling , " Kailan ! Kailan ! " And today , when he got close to her , he said , " Nihao . " As my Granny used to say , " Lord God ! ! ! ! " Our little night owl is still awake at 10 : 30 , so Jeff gave him a bath in some of that nighttime , soothing , bubbly stuff . I was in the living room playing on the laptop when I heard a weird noise coming from the bedroom . I walked in there to find both my boys making beat box noises with their mouths . " Check it out , " Jeff said . " It 's Biz - cuit - markie . " - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 11 / 17 / 10P . S . If you don 't know who Biz Markie is , he 's best known for a really bad late - 80s song called " Just a Friend " that Jeff and I just sang very loudly to Biscuit , who just stared back and forth like he was watching a good tennis match . Biz shows up on a popular preschooler TV show these days doing beat box and other musical stuff . Sometimes I wish I had some type of recorder glued to my hand at all times . Right now , Biscuit is sitting in the new chair he got for his birthday , naming all the facial features on one of his little plastic horses . " Eyes , eahs , mouth , nose , eahs , teeth , eyes , eahs . . . " He seems to be stuck on the ears . We were eating breakfast the other morning , and Biscuit announced that he had dinosaurs on his pajamas . " Mom , dine - sauhs on jammies , " Biscuit said . " Shahp teeth , Dad . " Then he pointed to one of them and said , " T - Rex . That one . " T - Rex ? Really ? Where the heck did he learn that ? ! ? We went to celebrate Biscuit 's birthday with his grandparents in S . C . over the weekend . Biscuit was watching TV and the satellite blinked out for a minute . Grandmama came in and said , " Uh - oh . Did the TV go out ? " Biscuit looked at her , turned his hands up toward the ceiling and said , " Looks like it . " Again I ask , where the heck does this stuff come from ? ! ? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I posted this , but now I have to add a P . S . Biscuit followed me into the kitchen and watched as I emptied the dishwasher . There were some crackers in a zip - top bag on the counter , so he said , " Cacka , Mom ? " I love the way he says " cracker . " I knew he would want a cracker for each hand , but he had his pacifier in one hand ( no , we still aren 't rid of that thing yet ! ) . I opened the bag and held it down for him . He grabbed one cracker , then he started looking back and forth at his pacifier and the crackers . I could see the wheels turning in his little head , trying to figure out how he was going to get another cracker without getting rid of his pacifier . So he threw his pacifier in the floor and grabbed another cracker . Then he squatted down , still with a cracker in each hand and squeezed his pacifier between the side of his fists . He stood up and walked with it that way all the way from the kitchen to the living room , where he put it down on the coffee table . Two hands , two crackers and one pacifier . . . all within his reach . Today is Biscuit 's second birthday , and I 've been thinking about everything he 's learned in just a couple of years . I 've read back over some of the blogs I 've written , and it 's amazing to me that he started out as a cute little slug who needed everything done for him . And now , he 's a walking , talking little man . Sunday morning before his party , I was putting the icing on the cupcakes . He walked up to me and said , " Doing , Mom ? " " Putting icing on your birthday cupcakes , " I said . " Need birthday cupcakes , Mom . " " You NEED birthday cupcakes PLURAL ? " I asked him . " Yes . Need cupcakes , Mom . " So I gave him one without icing and told him he could have one with icing at his party . He seemed to think that deal was acceptable . I wanted to make ham biscuits and some other snacks for the adults who were attending the party , and as I got to the end of the ham , I thought , " I think I can get one more slice off of that ham . " Well , turns out I was wrong . I got a nice slice out of my thumb , though . It was a pretty bad cut , so I was struggling to finish the details of the party . So I called a friend who lives near me and asked if she could come to the party an hour early . Luckily she was able to come over and basically finished getting everything ready . The party started at 2 p . m . , and we had five kids ( from almost 1 to 2 1 / 2 years ) and 12 adults ( counting Jeff and me ) . We were really pleased with the turnout . All the kids were great . I figured there would be at least one " that toy is mine and I 'm going to smack you in the head to get it . " But nope . No fighting . No crying . No biting . No nothing . They just all played . We took them outside to run around for a while . Then after they were all tired out , we brought them in to get sugar - ed up on cupcakes ! And this is where the drama begins . I poured milk or juice in sippy cups for all the kids , but I didn 't snap the lid tight on Biscuit 's cup . So we sang " Happy Birthday " to him and let him blow out a candle . Then he took a huge bite of his cupcake and reached for his milk . I never knew a sippy cup could hoPosted by I cannot believe that our Biscuit baby is 2 . Well , he won 't be officially 2 until Tuesday , but we had his party today . Four of his friends ( ranging from almost 1 to 2 1 / 2 ) came and spent the afternoon playing and eating cupcakes . It started out rough because I cut my thumb open this morning and had to call a friend to ask if she could come over early and help me finish getting everything ready . She was a lifesaver . I couldn 't have done everything without her . Anyway , I 'm tired now , so I 'm going to post a couple of videos from that same friend , and I 'll share more party details later . A post from The Daddy Man : I was feeding Biscuit breakfast yesterday . I had given him his yogurt drink and had just sliced up a banana on a plate . He was eating the banana slices and bites of my Pop Tart , and everything was going fine . Then he tried to pick up another banana slice , but this time , he squeezed the slice too hard , and it broke in half and fell onto his plate . He melted down . " My banana broken . Broken banana , " Biscuit wailed . He was inconsolable . Then he was done . He didn 't want to eat anything else . Not one more bite . It 's a good thing you can 't get arrested for intentions . Because I intended to kill some rude lady today . Biscuit and I took a friend to a holiday market here in town today . We were hoping we could catch some of the holiday spirit by looking at all the pretty Christmas decorations . And it was working , until . . . ( insert swear words here ) . This . . . this . . . woman ! decided that whatever it was that she was trying to see was more important than my son and his safety . So what did she do ? SHE SHOVED BISCUIT ' S STROLLER OUT OF HER WAY ! ! ! ! ! Can you believe that ? I felt a rage fly over me that was honestly quite hard to control . I threaten violence all the time . I tell Jeff that I 'm going to slap him blind . I tell bad drivers in traffic that I 'm going to run them down . And I 've probably made some even worse threats to other people throughout the years . But the thing about all those threats is that they were harmless expressions of sarcasm and / or frustration . Today , scared me a little . The only saving grace in the situation was that I saw the hand and arm of the rude woman , but by the time I turned around , she had been absorbed into a group , and I couldn 't tell which woman had done the shoving . I just had to walk away . . . quickly . . . to avoid just yelling out to this woman or even worse , to start swinging at any woman in the vicinity . My friend saw me pushing Biscuit 's stroller into an open space at the end of the aisle and came over to see what was wrong . I told her what happened and that I needed to stand there and breathe for a minute . I would really like to have a conversation with that woman so I could ask her point blank , " What in the name of all that is holy was SO important that you needed to risk injuring a CHILD . . . MY CHILD . . . to see it or get to it or buy it ? " So much for holiday spirit . She could use a dose of that goodwill to all men stuff ! So I 've heard it both ways . Some moms have told me that their kids sailed through their twos with no problems . Others have said they were ready to box up their toddlers and ship them to China ! So I wonder where Biscuit will land ? He 's really a sweet kid . He 's pretty laid back about most things . Keep his belly from getting empty . Make sure he has a car or a ball in his hand . And when his mouth hurts from teething , give him baby Tylenol and back away slowly ! But sometimes . . . sometimes . . . Let 's just leave that sentence unfinished ! The biggest thing we 're working on right now is sharing . He 's the only kid in our house , so he has all his toys all to himself . That 's not the case at day care . So the teachers suggested that Jeff and I play with Biscuit 's toys ( we sure do hate that part ) , and when he comes to get them from us , we tell him that Mama and Dada are playing with the toys right now and that he can have them when we 're done . Needless to say , he doesn 't like this particular exercise . But I can see some improvement , so it 's worth it . Yesterday morning , when I dropped Biscuit off at day care , we were getting out of the car and a truck with a loud muffler zoomed down the street . Biscuit jumped , spun around and walked right into the car door . He didn 't hit it hard , but it was hard enough that he staggered back a couple of steps . I was concerned that he was hurt , but before I could even check his head , he pointed his little finger up at me and said , " NOT NICE , MAMA ! Hut head ! " ( hurt head ) " I didn 't do anything , " I whined back at him . " YOU ' RE the one who walked into the door . " Then it occurred to me , I 'm arguing with an almost 2 - year - old . I 'm trying to use logic , and he doesn 't even know what logic IS ! Anyway , I 'm not sure how Biscuit 's twos will be . I guess we 'll see starting next week ! I know it 's a few days late , but here 's a picture of our group Halloween costume : I had bigger plans for our costume this year , but we had to go to S . C . for a funeral last week , and my shopping and preparing time went away . So I needed something that could be taken care of in one trip to the store . Somebody asked me how I decided what color each of us would be , and I told her that it was pretty simple . I grabbed whatever color sweatsuit was available in each of our sizes . Very simple , very easy . Biscuit and I had sharp points , but Jeff said he didn 't want to wear a hat because the black crayon is always the first one to lose it 's point . I guess that makes him dull ! Friday night , Biscuit 's day care had a Fall Festival . Jeff and I were the only parents who dressed up . I was surprised by that , but I didn 't really care . I love dressing up for Halloween . And if you know Jeff , you know that nothing really shakes him up . The weird part of the evening was that as soon as we walked in the door , all these kids and adults starting saying hey and talking to Biscuit . And what was even weirder was that Biscuit seemed to know them , too . He has this whole social life that we didn 't even know about . Jeff said , " It 's like he 's a teenager already with a secret social life . " We figured out that it 's all about timing . Biscuit is one of the last kids to arrive at day care in the mornings and one of the last kids to leave in the evening . So many of the other parents see him when they pick their kids up in the afternoon . One man , who I swear looked about 7 feet tall , said hey to Biscuit in a really deep voice . He was standing behind me , and his voice was so deep that it startled me . But it didn 't faze Biscuit . He just smiled and said hey . Then another man held his fist out , and Biscuit leaned over and bumped fists with the guy . We struck up a conversation with a woman we had never seen before . She just went on and on about how much she loves Biscuit . She said , " He has such a big personality . Kids and adults both are just drawn to him . " It was aPosted by A post from The Daddy Man : I think I 'm going to change Biscuit 's name to Ricky Bobby . I went to pick him up at day care the other day . He likes riding in my Mustang because his car seat sits up high enough to have a good view . As soon as I started the car , Biscuit yelled from the back seat , " GO FAST , DADA . GO FAST ! ! ! " Okay , Ricky Bobby , here we go . I 'm so proud . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Comments from Mama : 1 . DO NOT drive that car fast while you 're carrying my baby ! 2 . Biscuit is bad enough , and now you want to name him after Will Ferrell character ( " Talladega Nights ) ? Um , no . 3 . Last but not least , I have eyes in the back of my head . You boys better behave ! Biscuit said the blessing all by himself before dinner tonight : " Bless this food , for our good . Amen . " Then he cleaned his plate , including sweet potatoes , broccoli and carrots . Okay , so he didn 't know he was eating broccoli and carrots . I made a cornbread batter , added diced chicken , cheese , broccoli and carrots . Added garlic ( ' cause everything is better with garlic ) and baked them in a muffin tin . The boy gobbled them right up . . . and he was none the wiser . I was talking today to a work friend about the baby she 's going to have in November . She 's a couple of years younger than me , and this is her first baby . She and her husband hadn 't planned on having kids , but surprise ! Now they have a little boy coming next month . She 's going to deliver in the same hospital where Biscuit arrived . And it occurred to me that I started this blog a couple of months after Biscuit got here , so I never wrote a blog about his arrival . Biscuit was due on Thanksgiving Day . And after three years of fertility treatments and one miscarriage , I thought there couldn 't have been a more appropriate day for him to arrive . But he decided that he didn 't want to wait that long to arrive , so he showed up three weeks early . A couple we 're friends with had a baby due about three months after Biscuit , so Jeff and the other dad went to a Daddy Boot Camp class one Saturday . I would 've paid big money to be a fly on the wall in that classroom . Jeff and his friend are not really the Daddy Boot Camp class - type , even though they are both great , hands - on dads . While the men were in class , both of us soon - to - be mamas went shopping . We walked all over an outdoor shopping mall here in town , then met our husbands after their class for pancakes . I was tired after walking that much , so Jeff and I went home to relax . We got home about 3 in the afternoon , and I told Jeff I 'd like to lie on our bed and watch TV . We just chilled out for a while , but at 5 p . m . , I sat straight up and said to Jeff , " I need to make chocolate pies . " He said , " You NEED to make chocolate pies ? " " Yes ! " I said . That far into the pregnancy , Jeff knew the routine . As soon as I said yes , he asked , " Can I help ? " That was the absolute perfect question . " Yes , " I said . " You can build up your arm muscles by stirring the pie filling as it cooks . " After the pies were done , I had him take one to a friend 's house , and we had some of the other one . We spent the rest of the night just hanging out together . Little did we know we were spending our last evening alone ! About 3 aPosted by I 'm a 40 - something first - time mom . Age and education did nothing to prepare me for motherhood . It 's the most wonderful and scariest thing that has ever happened to me .

My daughter woke up the other night because " I hear music in my ear and it scares me " . So she fell asleep next to me on the couch while I wrote . When I was ready for bed , I went to pick her up and carry her to bed . She is much like her dad and talks in her sleep . When I scooped her up , she moaned , stretched , and said , " Don 't do that . I might come back to life ! " Huh ? Deep sleeper , I guess . Then there is # 3 . He is a funny little kid . He 's funny just existing . Today , on the way home from school , he was excited over a penny he had . " Mommy , it says 1981 on it . Does that mean it was made in 1981 ? " Yes . " Wow ! So how much do you think it is worth ? " A penny . " But mommy , it should be worth more since it is so old ! " 1981 ? Old ? I must be archaic by now . There is more to tell of this story , of God 's ways of caring and comforting me , of unlikely people who did the right thing and brought me comfort , of facing fears during another pregnancy , and of God 's goodness . But the reason I began this story is that I wanted to tell what gift God had given me with the death and birth of my first daughter . We named her Lydia . It was not the name we had originally chosen if she was to be girl , but we named her Lydia . Lydia was the seller of purple , a valuable cloth fit for royalty . With Lydia 's small life , I began to see God 's hand in my life in a real way . . . like a purple thread woven throughout my daily journey . Lydia was the first believer in Asia . Our Lydia was our first baby in heaven , and it seemed like a good name . Our children all had middle names which their dad chose . Ones which worked for his country . He never could find a name for her , and for ten years , she had only the one name . Last year , I told God that I wish she would have had a middle name , too . Then I was reading somewhere , and I found the name . Amana . It means permanent , secure . It was a good name . Lydia Amana . Now , I feel peace - she needed her whole name , even if she was so tiny . Back to the gift : I had watched my friend tell me about the death of her daughter , Sarah , who died of SIDS . I thought then , " the one thing I could never live through is the death of my child . I would not survive . " I had longed for children all my life , and knew I just couldn 't survive that . A few weeks after Lydia 's birth , I was again sitting in the car driving somewhere . Honestly , God and I have our best conversations in the car ! I was thinking ahead to the next steps in our life which would lead us eventually towards going to country that really wasn 't that " safe " to be in . Just having lost one baby , I wasn 't thrilled about taking my only child ( at the time ) into a dangerous place . Hey , I was scared at times about taking myself there ! I had grown up in the 70 's and 80 's in churches that put a lot of emphasis on being right , being prePosted by What else would follow a rough day , but a rough night ? My friend who just miscarried called at midnight that night being rushed to the hospital with severe pain . She had an ectopic pregnancy that they didn 't catch earlier , and needed surgery . I did not go in that first night as another team member was with her , but I did last night 's shift . She is home now , with her husband who arrived while she was in surgery , and resting comfortably . I think I will never join another committee ! I hate having to make rough decisions . The last decision which meant a good - bye was done well . Sad , that is did end not the way I wanted , but it went well . Then , last week we made another decision . One person was not acting as they should , so we drafted a letter meant to help them see where change was needed and assist them in changing with support . It was a very gentle letter . Too gentle for the situation , I thought . It was not received well . The person objected to all the changes asked and stated that she was fine the way she was and we were oppressing her . Then she quit - in two weeks . But today , before she quit , she went around gossiping angrily about the leadership . She was so angry that we did not feel she could do her job alone . She would continue to spread lies and rumors . So I was assigned to sit in on her classes . She had already packed all her stuff , so questions were coming , and my job was to ensure that they were handled in the way we had agreed on handling them . I sat there and smiled , and she was there and smiled . She knew I was watching her . I knew she knew . I managed to keep the day pleasant and cheerful in all my conversation with her . It went well for the situation , but it was stressful . I don 't know what tomorrow holds and what steps we will have to take next . We did not see this coming . I 'm exhausted today . I got home to help another family talk through a major decision . We sat for three hours discussing back and forth , listening , waiting . It 's been a rough day . Pray for peace . I 'm sad when I see what sin does . When I last left this story , I was riding home in the car with a tummy ache after eating pizza . God had just spoken to me clearly that night , giving me comfort . He had said , " Your daughter went straight from the safety of your womb into My arms . She never knew pain and never knew sin . " Then , in the quiet darkness , He showed me that beautiful picture of her toddling out of a walled garden through an open gate into the light of the new day . I clung to that half second glimpse of her turned head and little baby giggle . I held in deep in my heart , and hung on to it . When we got home , I was exhausted . I went to bed , and my husband put my son in his crib , and went to play computer games . I tossed and turned , but could not get comfortable . The pizza had really disagreed with my tummy and I could not sleep . It took about an hour for me to realize that the indigestion was beginning to come in waves , and likely had nothing to do with pizza . It took my mind a long time to wrap around the thought that I was in labor and needing to deliver . I should have known , but I didn 't . Grief does not leave a clear mind . I called upstairs to my husband , but he was playing . He called down that he would come when he finished his game . I just sat , curled up on the bottom of the stairs waiting . Trying to think this through . How could I be in labor ? The baby was dead . Labor is exciting . It is the beginning of hope realized . It signals that it is time to meet your baby . Mine was gone , no longer there to meet . Yet , as I sat alone on the stairs that evening 's words came back into my head . She never knew pain . She never knew sin . She is safe with Me . I repeated them over and over to myself . I opened my hurting heart up and looked toward God and sat with Him . And I hung onto the glimpse of the laughing girl with black hair toddling towards the morning . I sat there and said to myself , " someone left the gate open , and she has walked to God , straight to Him , that is all . This is not death ; it is life . Maybe even more alive life . " After some time , my husbPosted by I could have warned him . I could have , but I didn 't get the chance . Our pastor occasionally likes to involve the children in the service by asking some questions . Sometimes he just has them raise their hands , and other times he might ask them a short question like " What was your favorite birthday gift ? " or " Do you remember who Abraham 's son was ? " I could have warned him to ignore number 3 son 's frantically waving hand . The deep breath he took before he began to answer should have clued him in . The pastor simply asked , " Do you remember a really wise man who had to make a difficult judgment ? Does anyone know what happened ? " Well , # 3 sure did ! He took a deep breath and began at high speed to tell the whole story . . . . the whole thing . . . . . and just when we thought he would end , he took another deep breath and kept going . . . . all the way through the famine , and no one had food , and two women had two babies and one died and one said it was the others and no one knew whose it was , and they went to the King , . . . . . and . . . . . the King got the sword . . . . and one woman said , " yes , yes , cut him in two . " . . . . and the other said , " no , no ! I want him to live - give him to the other woman " . . . . and Solomon knew that the real mother would want him alive . . . . and all the people were amazed . . . . . " He didn 't leave one detail out , and he put in all the right emotions , and explanations , and he just kept going ! It took him over two minutes to answer all this . I tried to get him to hush halfway through , but he just turned to me , shrugged , and said , " Mom ! He asked about it ! He wanted to know ! " The pastor laughed with me afterwards and said the amazing thing is that the kid has a loud clear voice that could be heard all over the church without a microphone . ( I knew that . . . I wake up to it every morning ! ) But , # 3 loves to teach . When it is his turn to do devotions in his class , instead of just bringing in a devotional book to read like most do , he spends a week researching his topic and looking up verses , coming up with a point , and putting it into a speechPosted by My friend here , the one who just had a miscarriage , is a special person . We have become close , much like sisters . She is without family nearby , and I have family , but am also seldom near them . For the last six years , we have been sisters . I met her one day when they lost a place to live , and they moved in with us . For about three months , we lived together , and even after they moved out , they were daily in our house from early morning until late night . My daughter loved her more than me as a small baby and would scream when she left . I was there for the birth of her last child . I love my new sister dearly . We both moved across the world together and navigated our way around a new place together . We 're friends . The country which we work in had no songs . I guess there were a few , translated years ago with western tunes , but no real songs . Singing was not really done . We needed music . A church needs music . Believers need music . Music lifts , teaches worship , and is so dramatically different from the darkness around them . My friend can sing . She is not the best , no . Would likely never be accepted for American Idol . But she can sing . More importantly , she knows how to worship God , and that worship has in the last few years begun to be expressed in song writing . She writes , and then with others , she teaches how to sing . Before she began to write songs , she had a dream . She told me this dream hesitantly one day as we did housework together . She said : I dreamed I was in a stadium sort of building , an arena with seats all around it . I knew I was standing where people were brought to be killed . I could see people coming to kill me , but I was not afraid . I stood there with my children with me , and I began to sing . When I opened my voice to sing , the singing filled the arena . It was almost like a powerful force , and it stopped the people coming , but then they became very angry and they began to run toward me to kill me . I sang louder , and we began to run . We ran and ran up the arena seats towards the door , and I saw my children go ouPosted by He is . He doesn 't care one bit about us . Why that is a surprise to me , I don 't know . Somehow , I expect him to have some common decency . He doesn 't . I need you to pray for one of my coworkers . Her husband has been struggling with sicknesses for months and there are worrying symptoms . Then her husband is gone to a location that is not too safe to do work that is even less safe . She was just on a long trip with her two kids , and is tired from that . Then a few days ago , there was a huge conflict in the believing community that we work in . One person phoned her and many cruel accusations were dumped on her head . I won 't mention details . It is looking like it will be solved at some point , so I am thankful for that , but it was a huge emotional blow to her . Then yesterday , she phoned me in tears . She just had a miscarriage . She didn 't really know she was pregnant . It was a surprise . But she just miscarried , and she is in pain and very sad . The devil is just mean . That is all I can say . All these things on this woman at one time . . . it is too much ! And she had just returned from doing something that will help a new church learn to worship . She writes songs for believers who haven 't had song in their language , and she sings them . What she does lifts people 's spirits and teaches them how to worship . And now this . Pray for her . For comfort , for healing , for settling of the conflict in a Godly way . For strength . We have contacted her husband , and he is coming home . She needs him now . I have to go to set up for a wedding tonight , but I will write tomorrow about a dream this woman had . I think God has set her in place for a key purpose . He has given her a gift that this dark country needs . I am not surprised that she is attacked right now . We should have been praying for her more specifically in this regard . But pray for her now . I woke up to the sound of bath water running . That got me moving fast ! I popped my head in the bathroom to find # 2 son and my daughter in the tub . " Mommy , you just said we couldn 't take a bath alone in the mornings ! There is two of us here ! " Ok . I guess . It sure got me out of bed fast ! Later on , Daddy combed out my daughter 's waist length hair . It was an early morning out the door , so having to do hair was not an expected job . Later on , I checked his work , and took her back up to braid her hair . In a loose pony tail , it will be a mess by evening , and we need to go out this evening . While I took her hair down and began to quickly do it , I told her , " You need to tell Daddy next time he does your hair that he needs to get a straight part first . Then it looks better . " She wrinkled her face at me in the mirror and said , " But I have a straight part . My finger is straight , and my legs , too . My arms are straight , too , unless I bend them . " # 2 has his birthday today ! He turns 11 . They are getting way too big . I need you all praying . I have a woman here at my house to ask me what I think about her marrying a man from another culture . I am not too excited about the idea , and the more I listen to details , the less I think it is a good idea . But how to say that ? Pray for me . I 'm going to take her out for breakfast tomorrow and be as honest as I know how to be gently . It will be her choice and her responsibility , but I need to be able to honestly share with her what I see . Pray . I don 't like to hurt people . I 'd like to say only good things , positive things that make people happy . I like making people happy . Tomorrow 's talk likely won 't make her happy . But I need to be able to do it . Thanks . I listen to the kid 's memory work at school , and they have been slogging through Ephesians 4 - 6 . First and second graders . I am compiling their mistakes . But so far , Ephesians 6 has been hard to keep a straight face on . " Children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right . Honor your father and your mother which is the first commandment with promise , that you might last awhile on the earth . " Yep . This kid has the fear of his parents drilled into him ! Then came a shy little girl who isn 't the brightest bulb in the batch , but she tries so hard ! She 's adorable . This was her version : " Honor your father and your mother . . . . . . I helped her , " . . . . . which . . . . . " She scrunched her face this way and that , shrugged , and finally said , " All I can remember is " which leads to debauchery " . " This morning , we had moved on to verse four . Two kids gave me this version : " Fathers , do not expire your children but bring them up in the structure of the Lord . " Still , my favorite was the kid who quoted : " Children , do not exasperate your fathers . . . . . " Amen , kid ! Even God knows that I enjoy a good joke . My daughter , who is a bit of a thinker , but not melancholic at all , has been thinking about life , sin , salvation , and Jesus ' death . She 's a bit worried about the salvation issue . " Mommy , I know I have asked Jesus to forgive me , but I have to keep doing it because I forget that I did it ! " I 've tried explaining that God does have a better memory than she does , but it hasn 't helped . I 've just told her that God won 't mind her asking again , but it likely isn 't necessary . And I 'm fine with her talking it over and thinking about it more . So today , she was trying to understand about sin and punishment . She was trying to wrap her mind around the fact that if you sin , you die . . . but Jesus paid that . . . so if we ask Him to forgive us , do we die ? How does that work ? I started to explain about the two types of death - physical and spiritual . . . and this is how it went : Well , girlie , there are two types of deathI know . You do ? Can you tell me those two types ? Well - one type of death is when you can 't hear , and the other type is when you die . ( Here muffled giggles came in from her brothers , but I shushed them . The topic was too important to be distracted from , although I am glad I was driving and facing away from her ! ) No , not really . One type of death is when your body dies , that is right , but the other type is about your spirit . It is when your spirit dies or is separated from God forever . Then . . . . well . . . what is it called when you can 't hear ? Deaf . Not Death . Oh . . . And on the conversation went . What I am wondering is - we have a large deaf population in our church - what has she been thinking we are calling them ? ! OK - let me put a disclaimer on this that I am really feeling down , and life has not been easy here recently and doesn 't look like it is getting better . So if you want to keep believing that missionaries are anywhere near close to perfect or even near the ball park , please don 't read this . I don 't understand God at times , and that is hard on me . There are days that I really enjoy God and see what He is doing and am thrilled . Then there are days like the last few days . Rough ones . And general rough days , I can take . Or rough days where we all suffer together and it just seems like God is short on answers . It is days like my ones recently that are hard and leave me staring up at God and asking what is wrong with me . It is the days that it seems like everyone else 's prayers are being answered in wonderful ways , and you stand there with empty hands . There are some great things happening . One of our coworkers got healed from a pretty scary sickness . Another may have just found the perfect house . We even got a stay of execution for a decision that looked impossible just last night . Yes , I 'm thankful for all this . Really . Even my prayers are being answered . A huge concern for me the last two years as I worked on a project was that I needed three women for this thing to work , and there were only two . And it is not something that we can just go out and " find " one . An impossible thing to find . Yet , I prayed , and felt it was best to write for three . And I wrote . Last week , we found one , and she is delighted . Tonight , I sat with her and started her on her first assignment . ( Sorry , can 't tell much more . ) And it is amazing - nothing short of a miracle , and I am stunned by God 's ability to answer prayer . Yet it is that same ability to answer difficult prayers that has me sitting here tonight staring at my computer screen wishing for an answer . Because I have other difficult prayers tonight that are not being answered . And I am hurting and begging God to answer , but He is not . That is hard for me . I want Him to step in and save the dayPosted by My friend , who is also on that committee , met me today . We talked . We grabbed another member and talked some more . We felt that the right channels were not taken . We have two similar situations which are being dealt with totally differently . That was a concern . Also that this decision is supposed to be made by this committee , not this committee informed of it - fact done . It was a bit frightening , but we had to move fast . The decision was going to be told to the person involved this afternoon . So we met , and we went to the person who made the decision and objected . It was taken well , and the decision has been " unmade " . Perhaps . At least it is not going to be told until we call an emergency meeting and discuss it . Is this hope ? I wish it were . Yet , I doubt it . The mind of the person in charge is firmly made up . I wish it were hope . I 'm trying to hope without getting too hopeful . I am crying out to God to act here , to step in and change this decision is that is His will . But to be brutally honest , I 'm praying without much faith because my life has been so tough recently that I look up at God with exhaustion and a slightly stunned disappointment . . . and then I ask Him again to act , but I 'm already discouraged . Yet , I do ask . Sometimes God answers , and other times . . . those times I have a hard time with right now . Yet I ask . I know He can . But , even if the decision won 't change , perhaps we can soften it . At the very least , we do not have to crush someone right before Easter . And , I feel some slight victory , some slight worth in standing up for what we believed in and being able to change , at least temporarily , action . There is not much more I can say . I 'm on a committee , and we made a decision - or shall I say , a decision was made , as it was made not by us , but we were informed that it was made . ( I thought that was the responsibility of this committee , so I am baffled by being told it as opposed to being able to discuss it . ) But it is made , and it is final . I can 't talk about it yet , but it will become known over the next few days / weeks . I 'm sad about the decision . I understand it , but I am sad . It means a good - bye , and I am sad about it . That is all I can really say . Even that is likely not allowed . But that is all I am saying . I 'm sad . Another goodbye . And likely someone I care about will have their feelings hurt . I 'm sad . Four people got baptized yesterday in church . My daughter was very excited since she couldn 't remember any baptism and wondered what it was . Son # 3 tried to show off how much he knew since he had seen one once . Son # 2 hit the chair , and closed his eyes and was out cold . He has this thing about drifting off any time it is remotely quiet . After the preaching , the pastor invited all the kids to come up front and sit on the floor so they could see better . I went with mine . Our church thoroughly believes in reproduction , so there was quite the crowd of little kids with no parental control at the front . Here was the conversations : " Hmm . . I thought they 're supposed to hold them down longer . " " Why do they wear blue dresses ? " ( robes ) " I think because they don 't want to wear their swim suits in front of church " " And I guess they didn 't want to go naked , either . " Then the last one came to be dunked - a girl who is over six feet tall . Exclamations of astonishment broke out among the gathered children . " Wow ! She won 't fit ! " " How can they fit her in the water ? " " Her feet are going to stick out ! " All I could do was sit there and try not to giggle . Then , after church , we learned something about our new baptistry . It was installed with a turn drain at the bottom . Easy to fill , but we discovered that the only way to drain it is to get down in it and turn that drain . Great . And the pull down screen does not cover the tank at any time . A few of us sat there and tried with a broom handle and scratched out heads . Then I said , " this is what boys are for . " and called my second son , stripped him down to the waist , and hung him in upside down by his jeans . It took him two tries to find it , but he got it ! And the whole church watching while they had coffee applauded . Next baptism , last one in undoes the drain ! Or we bring a change of clothes for our divers . Still , I told him - you 're only going near water because I have a firm grip on you ! I thought you 'd get a kick out of this . I heard my son tell his version to his brother . So , I got up early and went and woke up my sister and asked if she wanted to take a bath with me , but she said no . So I filled the tub and asked her again , and she said no . ( Child - it was 6 AM ! ) So I told her if she changes her mind , just come in . I went and soaked for a long time , and used Daddy 's shampoo , and then put conditioner on my hair and rinsed that . Then I put more conditioner on my hair and the special smelling soap ( OK - let me mention that his hair is all of half an inch long ) and then I rinsed the back and turned over to rinse the front . I heard the bathroom door open and someone say something , but I thought it was just my brother coming in to use the bathroom , so I just kept rinsing my hair . Then suddenly , out of nowhere , someone grabbed me and pulled me right out of the water , ahhh ! that was scary ! I almost had a heart attack - and then I saw it was mom , and she looked all funny , sort of grey , and I was really scared , like what was wrong with her ? I guess when you think about his view - relaxing in the tub , and suddenly , without warning being grabbed and yanked out . . . It could be scary . Especially if you get the water cleared from your eyes , and your mom is half - bent over clutching her chest . Poor kid . He recovered faster and thought the thing was funny . Seriously , I almost had to take the day off and just sit . It took that much energy out of me ! I went to bed with the kids and slept 11 hours now . My third son might be well known for saying things when he shouldn 't , but my second son has another specialty - terrifying his mother . This morning started off like most . I woke up to noises telling me my second was up moving . He is a morning person in a family of night owls . I got up and found he had filled the tub with hot bubbly water and wanted to take a soak in the tub . No problem . I wandered downstairs to sit by the fireplace and try to orient myself to the fact that the sun was thinking about coming up . I must have drifted back off , and woke later to find that 45 minutes had passed . I wondered , " What has happened to that kid ? He ought to be done by now . " A tiny cold worry started in the back of my mind . . . he often drifts back to sleep when he wakes to lie by the fire and warm up . . . what if he fell asleep in the tub ? I quickly walked up to the bathroom , and opened the door . No response . I stuck my head in and said , " hey , are you alive in there ? " No response . Then , I took two quick steps across , pulled the shower curtain back , and there he was - floating face down in a full tub . I screamed , " God , no ! " and reached to grab him and turn him over . He was cold . The water was cold . My heart dropped , and I flipped him over . And he shook his head , looked up at me and asked , " What mom ? I 'm rinsing the front of my hair ! " Ah . . . I sank back against the counter trying to breathe . . . Then he looked up and said , " Mom ? Are you going to be alright ? " No more baths ! Only showers . I can 't go through this again ! ( He is almost 11 , so he is old enough to take a bath without me standing there , but not again ! ) He did this once before . I had three in the tub , and came to take one out , and was dressing him in the bedroom next to the bathroom while chattering with the two in the tub , telling them to say " turtle " ( a favorite word at the time ) . My second was two and a half , and the other one was four , so I figured they won 't drown while I throw a diaper on the baby - not while I 'm talking to them . But on one round of " turtle , turtle " , there was no " Posted by I grew up as a MK , married , and went into missions . I am daily surprised by what God has me doing . Not what I thought . Not what I trained for . Not what I planned . I have this sneaking suspicion that He wants me to trust Him , not what I can do . . . I have four kids , three boys and a girl . Once I had another girl , but her time with us was short . My kids are full of energy , full of life , and full of questions . I don 't say where we are . I don 't post photos on my blog . We are now not where we work , but we do return , and because of that , there are no photos or full names on this blog . You are welcome to get to know me anyway ! I don 't do any weaving or carving , but I love to watch both . It reminds me that God is carving His image in my life , taking away what does not need to be there , working on me . That He is weaving my life into His plans . I admire the patience and skill of such craftsmen and am thankful for my Father 's patience and skill in my life . Thankful for those who He uses to work with Him in my life . For we are His workmanship , created in Christ Jesus for good works , which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them . - Eph 2 : 0being His work , Ellie