Talk:Francis Amasa Walker

message: Is there any hope of being more specific that attributing his death to apoplexy? —SlamDiego←T 03:31, 24 June 2009 (UTC)
replies: text: It was 1897 so that's the best they had I suppose. I'm guessing that an overweight, sedentary man in his mid 50s with a stressful job would never have any heart problems. Madcoverboy (talk) 03:50, 24 June 2009 (UTC)
replies: text: I suppose that it would violate WP:OR for someone here to exhume the body…. —SlamDiego←T 04:43, 24 June 2009 (UTC)
thread_title:  Apoplexy? 

message: Here are some comments, as you requested. Although there are some general comments here, I have focused primarily on the military history portions. All in all, it is very well written.
* The Wikipedia guidelines for the lead section (the text before the table of contents) say that you should summarize the article in three or four paragraphs at the most.
* The style we use for military biographies does not repeat the date of birth or death in the main text of the article -- they are already in the lead and in the infobox.
* Stylistically, I would reduce the number of times you say "participated in" such and such battle or campaign.
* Although colloquial usage might disagree with me, the use of "decimated" is not appropriate for a military history article written in a formal style.
* The sentence beginning "despite his older brother" is confusing because of multiple clauses.
* In that same sentence, you identify John Andrew by title, but the relatively unknown William Schouler does not have one; perhaps reverse the two names.
* In "did not see battle until May 1862" it would be better to say combat, to avoid two uses of the word battle in the same sentence.
* He served "in" the Army of the Potomac, not under it.
* The reference to Berkeley plantation needs more context.
* Burnside was the Army commander, but the sentence referring to him makes it sound as if he were the II Corps commander.
* The II corps was not reassigned to Grant; it remained in the Army of the Potomac. (Grant closely supervised George G. Meade, the Army commander.)
* I don't know that I would say "encircled" when referring to an individual. Surrounded?
* We generally use the form <number> <state> Infantry, rather than regiment or Regiment.
* Eicher (* Eicher, John H., and  Eicher, David J., Civil War High Commands, Stanford University Press, 2001, .), p. 549, a reference that we use widely for dates and ranks, lists his resignation as January 9, 1865.
* We frequently say "postbellum" instead of "post-war" because it is a well-known term specifically oriented toward the American Civil War.
These are all pretty minor, so great job. Good luck on your review. Hal Jespersen (talk) 00:17, 5 August 2009 (UTC)
thread_title:  [[User:Hlj|Hal Jespersen]] ([[User talk:Hlj|talk]]) 

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