Talk:Jack Coggins

message: General impressions - lead should either be expanded or merged into two solid paragraphs. The current set up makes it seem as if the article would be thin. Images are of varied size, which removes any impression of uniformity, which is problematic. I assume "By Spaceship to the Moon" image is part of science fiction, but it is at the bottom and disrupting the next header. You might want to remove the image. Sections "Biography" are tiny and could be put into one header without subheadings. Ottava Rima (talk) 14:52, 16 August 2009 (UTC)
replies: text: 1. Grammar and style - "Jack Banham Coggins (July 10, 1911 – January 30, 2006) was an artist, author, and illustrator, who is best known in the United States for his oil paintings which focused predominantly on marine subjects and his books on space travel." This should probably be split. Place a period after "illustrator" and begin the next sentence "He is best known...". "which" should have a comma before it. If you do not want the pause that comes from a comma, then use "that" instead of "which". You should probably move "his books on space travel" - right now it sounds like a component of "oil paintings", which disrupts the sentence structure. Ottava Rima (talk) 14:52, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 2. "The books were both authored and illustrated by Coggins who also provided illustrations for advertisements and magazine covers and articles." - Take the fragment from the previous sentence on "books" and merge it with the beginning of this sentence. Create a new sentence of the two - "He is also know for his books on space travel, which were both authored and illustrated by Coggins. Besides his own works, Coggins provided illustrations for advertisements..." Ottava Rima (talk) 14:52, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 3. "Over the course of his long career [...] for 45 years." The parallel seems a little awkward. You could drop the "45 years". Likewise, you can drop "at nearly 90 years of age" and "at the age of 94." from the next sentences, as the ages can be worked out from the details provided on his birth and death. Ottava Rima (talk) 14:52, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 1. Grammar - "During World War I, Sydney served with his regiment, converted towards the end of the war to the Machine Gun Guards and was commissioned, returning to 1st Life Guards" Turning the clauses into pictures, this is how your sentence looks  ( ) S ( ( ) ). Instead, end the sentence at "regiment". Begin the next sentence with "They" and place a subject before "was commissioned". Ottava Rima (talk) 14:52, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 2. Comma - "After the war he" follow "war" with a comma. Ottava Rima (talk) 14:52, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 3. Clause issues - "but when, under the Geddes Axe, 1st and 2nd Life Guards were almagamated into a single regiment," You would need a comma before "when" if you were to keep this sentence as is. However, there is another parenthetical inside of a parenthetical. You can fix this by rewriting to - "but he retired when the 1st and 2nd Life Guards were almagamated into a single regiment under the Geddes Axe". Ottava Rima (talk) 14:52, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 4. Colloquialism - "lived with family" - Add "their" before "family". Ottava Rima (talk) 14:52, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 5. Comma - "Roslyn Heights where he found difficulty " A comma is needed before "where". Ottava Rima (talk) 14:52, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 6. Phrasing - "where Coggins had bought an old farm, shortly afterward." - "where Coggins soon after bought an old farm." Ottava Rima (talk) 14:52, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 7. "Jack and Alma Coggins had no children; his only living relatives are several cousins and their families in Australia." - missing a reference. Ottava Rima (talk) 14:52, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 8. Merging paragraphs - the third and fourth paragraph of "Marriage and later life" can be combined as one paragraph. Ottava Rima (talk) 14:52, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 1. "Coggins' " - Last names ending with "s" need an "s's". Only pural "s" drops the final "s". Ottava Rima (talk) 14:52, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 2. "on the famous" - perhaps unnecessary to call it famous. Ottava Rima (talk) 14:52, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 3. Comma - "large sum at the time, and which paid his rent" and "PM,[15] and" The commas can be removed. Ottava Rima (talk) 14:52, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 4. Phrasing - "from such corporations, including" is confusing. Try "from corporations including..." Ottava Rima (talk) 14:52, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 5. Subject - "and was intrigued " Add "he" before "was" to make this a proper compound sentence. Ottava Rima (talk) 14:52, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 6. Phrasing - "Action from all these sorties was illustrated " You would need to put "of" before "these" for the sentence to read correctly. "Action" seems a little off. Perhaps "Events" or "Incidents" along with a change of "was" to "were" would work better? Ottava Rima (talk) 14:52, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 1. "Coggins found reduced interest" - "found" is an odd choice of words, but can be acceptable as long as you say who had reduced interest - audiences, critics, publishers, etc. Ottava Rima (talk) 17:53, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 2. Colloquial - "suggested that Coggins apply for a position teaching watercolor" "suggested to Coggins that he should apply..." would sound more proper. Ottava Rima (talk) 17:53, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 3. "His application was successful was successful and he taught" - This sounds a little off - "accepted" instead of "successful" would imply that he received the position. You also need a comma before "and" to denote the compound sentence. Ottava Rima (talk) 17:53, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 4. Clause issues - "In New York, as a result of his friendship with Fletcher Pratt, Coggins was introduced to the Hydra Club where he met Judith Merril and L. Ron Hubbard." You have two parenthetical statements that conflict. Try "In New York, his relationship with Fletcher Pratt allowed him to be introduced to ..." Now, is "the Hydra Club" a group or a place? If it is a group, say "to the members of the Hydra Club". In either use, follow "Club" with a comma. Ottava Rima (talk) 17:53, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 5. Phrasing - "The contact with such visionaries," "visionaries" may be vague. Use "visionary ___", where the blank best describes their position - writers, philosophers, theorists, etc. Ottava Rima (talk) 17:53, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 6. Comma use - "During the 1950s Coggins" and "and early 1950s" Follow both "1950s" with a comma. You might want to rewrite the whole structure to - During the late 1940s and early 1950s, Coggins' marine art was featured on covers of Yachting Magazine[27] and other publications, as well as on advertising material.[28] In the 1950s, Coggins was illustrating covers for pulp science fiction magazines, most notably Galaxy Science Fiction, The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction and Thrilling Wonder Stories.[27]" This would allow the chronology to match the structure. Ottava Rima (talk) 17:53, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 7. Structure - "In 1951 and 1952, Coggins collaborated again with Fletcher Pratt on two classic books:" Move this sentence up to the previous paragraph and combine them. With the proposed structure above, I would recommend changing this sentence to - "Coggins collaborated again with Fletch Pratt on two books in 1951 and 1952:" Ottava Rima (talk) 17:53, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 8. Flow - "space travel which swept" "sweeping" would allow for a better flow in the sentence than "which swept". Ottava Rima (talk) 17:53, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 9. Number - "Among his more famous works are the" Only one work is listed so use "is" instead of "are". Ottava Rima (talk) 17:53, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 10. Clause confusion - "described by Dale E. Biever, registrar at the Civil War Library and Museum in Philadelphia, as" Turn this into its own sentence. Reword as "Dale Biever, registrar... in Philadelphia, described the book as..." Ottava Rima (talk) 17:53, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 11. Tense - "It has been republished several times". Use "was" instead of "has been". Ottava Rima (talk) 17:53, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 12. Clause - "Also, in 1966," The double parenthetical is a problem. Try "Later in 1966". Ottava Rima (talk) 17:53, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 13. Tense - "which has sold" - Just use "sold". Ottava Rima (talk) 17:53, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 14. Comma use - "In this book Coggins". Add a comma after "book" to denote the parenthetical statement. Ottava Rima (talk) 17:53, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 15. Comma use - "Marine Painter's Guide which was". "which" normally relies on a comma before it, but not always. This use would require a comma, as the phrase up until then is "complete" and could exist on its own. Ottava Rima (talk) 17:53, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 16. Comma use - "After the book was published he decided" Denote the parenthetical statement by placing a comma after "published". Ottava Rima (talk) 17:53, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 17. Number - "Dover Publications, who have printed new editions". "Dover Publications" would be one entity so "have" would be "has". Try to avoid the wordiness by rewording to "the publisher of new editions for several of his books" Ottava Rima (talk) 17:53, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 1 Phrasing - "The majority of Coggins' paintings have a maritime theme in a realistic style and are executed in oils, for which he had a preference; although he painted works in watercolors and other media." The sentence after describes the "maritime theme", so rework it as follows - "Coggins relies on a realistic style that is executed in oils, for which he had a preference. However, he also painted works in water colors and other media. The majority of his paintings have a maritime theme, a subject on which Coggins wrote "It seems strange..." Ottava Rima (talk) 17:53, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 2. Citation - The quote needs a citation to directly follow it. Ottava Rima (talk) 17:53, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 3. Clarification and tense - "Recently, catalogs listing over 900 works have been discovered". It would be better to specify a time frame of the discovery and who may have discovered the catalog. Also, "were discovered" would be more concise and straightforward than "have been discovered". Ottava Rima (talk) 17:53, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 4. Phrasing - "in late 2006, consisting" It would help the reader to turn the comma into a period and say, "It consisted of..." as the beginning of the next sentence. Ottava Rima (talk) 17:53, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 5. Emphasis - "Part of the proceeds from the sale of these works was used to set up an annual Jack Coggins award to be given to a deserving local artist" This is indirect. Try to rewrite with emphasis on the aware - "An annual "Jack Coggins award" for deserving local artists was established from part of the proceedings from the sale of these works". Ottava Rima (talk) 17:53, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 6. Context - "His paintings are owned by". Preface this with "Currently, his paintings" to establish a time frame. Ottava Rima (talk) 17:53, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 7. Phrasing - ", among many other institutions and corporations. Many are owned by private collectors as well." You could rewrite this as "along with many other institutions, corporations, and private collectors." Ottava Rima (talk) 17:53, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 8. Comma use - "during his career including the" the "including..." is a new clause. Denote this with a comma after "career". Ottava Rima (talk) 17:53, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: 9. Comma use - "In 2000 he was" Denote the parenthetical statement with a comma after "2000". Ottava Rima (talk) 17:53, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: Fantastic, thank you. This will give me a few weeks work of work to sneak in wherever I can :) -- Avi (talk) 21:10, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

text: Avi -- Great to see another try at FA - have made a couple of changes. There is some confusion with the possessive of Coggins in the article .. should it be "Coggins'" or "Coggins's" ... both appear in the article, I don't know the acceptable form for Wikipedia - I now use Coggins' but we had better settle on one. Dave (talk) 08:37, 6 September 2010 (UTC)
replies: text: It needs to be Coggins's; there was only one. -- Avi (talk) 12:06, 6 September 2010 (UTC)
replies: text: Done. Dave (talk) 03:57, 8 September 2010 (UTC)
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