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LUCAS: (v.o) Previously on One Tree Hill. (We see Nathan and Haley on the beach as they are getting married. Nathan is putting a ring on Haley's finger.) LUCAS: (v.o) What're you talking about Haley? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NATHAN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (Haley holds up her left hand, showing her wedding ring clearly. Nathan puts his arm around her.) HALEY: We got married last night. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LUCAS' HOUSE - MORNING] (Lucas looking sad.) LUCAS: Mom...I want to leave Tree Hill. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. PEYTON'S HOUSE - DOORSTEP - DAY] (Peyton is looking at a letter that Lucas left taped to the front door before he left for Charleston.) BROOKE: (v.o) This is from Lucas. PEYTON: (v.o) I'm sorry. (The shot shows Brooke and Peyton's name clearly written on the front.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. BROOKE'S BOAT - DAY] PEYTON: I'm sorry; I shouldn't have hid it from you. BROOKE: You've had the words the whole time and didn't tell me? PEYTON: I was going to. BROOKE: When?! After you read it first?! PEYTON: NO! [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BEACH HOUSE - DAY] (Dan grabs at his chest and falls to the floor.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CHARLESTON - BEACH - DUSK] (Keith is looking out at the sea on a now deserted beach. Lucas walks up to him.) KEITH: It's Dan. He had a heart attack. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - CHAPEL - DAY] DEB: Your father is unconscious Nathan and now you're telling me you got married? HALEY: Mrs Scott we've thought about- DEB: Shut up Haley. Shut your selfish little mouth! [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL BEACH - EVENING] (Brooke and Peyton are chasing each other playfully, on the beach, around their bonfire. Lucas is there; Brooke and Peyton see him and stop dead, not knowing what to say to him.) FADE OUT: OPENING CREDITS ROLL: [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. RIVERCOURT - DAY] (We have a Birdseye view of Lucas lying, on his back, on the ground of the Rivercourt, listening to his IPod. The camera turns and slowly rises.) LUCAS: (v.o) T.H. White said; perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically...to those who hardly think about us in return. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - DAN'S ROOM - DAY] (Dan is sitting up in a chair, looking out of the window as Deb converses with a doctor just outside the room. He looks quite content.) DOCTOR: The Phoenix Effect isn't uncommon in cardiac patients. They grow...remorseful...introspective, sometimes even joyous. DEB: Really? Is it...permanent? DOCTOR: Hm, time will tell. (v.o) The important thing is to keep him calm. Don't upset him. (Dan stands slowly and looks at Deb. He smiles at her quite uncharacteristically. Deb smiles back at him; it's slightly strained.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. RIVERCOURT - DAY] (Lucas is still lying on the ground as a shadow crosses over him and cuts off his sunlight. Lucas squints and opens his eyes.) NATHAN: Three questions. You ready? LUCAS: (Sees Nathan upside down. He takes out one earphone.) Was that your first one? NATHAN: Number one; what happened to your hair? LUCAS: (Laughs and sits up, straining, and turns to Nathan.) I left it in Charleston. You and Haley still married? NATHAN: (Squinting.) Yeah, she hasn't thrown me out yet. Number two; why'd you come back? LUCAS: (shrugs) It was the right thing to do. Which actually brings me to my number two; how's your...(can't say father as it's his father too.)...how's Dan doing? NATHAN: Oh, he's alright. He's still alive, probably freaking out about me and Haley; like my mom. LUCAS: Hm. NATHAN: Alright, last question; you regret all that 'you're my brother' stuff, now that you're back? LUCAS: (shaking his head contradicting.) Absolutely. You? NATHAN: Definitely. LUCAS: (laughs, standing up.) So I can totally see your family tripping out. I mean I freaked out and I'm not even related to Haley. NATHAN: Actually, (Pats him on the back.) You are now. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PEYTON'S HOUSE - PEYTON'S BEDROOM - DAY] BROOKE: (v.o) She's gotta be pregnant. (Brooke is on Peyton's computer as Peyton goes through her CD's.) PEYTON: Or in love. BROOKE: I'm going with pregnant. Please, he's a Scott boy, just look at one and snap your...never mind, um...what's new in your musical world right now? PEYTON: I dunno. The new Keane's pretty good or Modest Mouse, Pilot to Gunners. BROOKE: Keane...(Types it into a box on the computer.)...Mighty Mouse...(she types that in too.) PEYTON: It's Modest. Why are you typing those? BROOKE: I'm putting them on your turn-ons. I'm adding you to Lust Factor dot com. PEYTON: Brooke! (Grabs the mouse.) BROOKE: Oops! Too late. (Turns to Peyton.) We can check your scores in a couple of hours. PEYTON: I told you; I am not about chasing guys right now. BROOKE: Doesn't mean I can't chase them for you and missy, if you're not about chasing guys...why are there half a dozen e-mails to Jake Jagielski in your sent mail folder? PEYTON: He hasn't answered any of them and I swear I am changing all of my passwords. BROOKE: Um-hum. PEYTON: OK, I don't know, alright? But ever since he-who-can't-be-named, I just feel like I need to shake things up and not guys, ok, like...life, important stuff. BROOKE: Guys are important. And speaking of the nameless one; he's waiting so we should get going. (Stands and walks off-screen.) PEYTON: What do you think he wants? BROOKE: If he's smart...forgiveness. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. EMPTY HALL - DAY] (Lucas is standing in and empty hall, studying it as Brooke and Peyton walk up into it.) LUCAS: What do you think? (Brooke and Peyton don't know what he's talking about.) I was thinking; bar (points to the far part of the hall.) right over there, then some lights...(points above the stage.)...DJ, right over here...and then, uh, (Walks up to the pair.) the three of us trying to be friends...right about, um, well, there. (Looks at where they're standing.) BROOKE: OK, totally confused (Points to herself and Peyton.) over...here. LUCAS: I wanna throw a party for Nathan and Haley OK? You know, everyone's been so...weirded out about them getting married and nobody's stepping up and just saying 'hey, it's cool! Let's celebrate.' We're their friends...we should do this for them. And since nobody (Points at Brooke.) plans a party better than you and nobody rocks a party better than you (Looks at Peyton. She rolls her eyes.)...I was hoping the three of us could work it out. BROOKE: The party part or the friends part? LUCAS: All of it. (Brooke considers.) LUCAS: Look, I guess you found the letter. PEYTON: (Fake coughs rather badly.) I should get something to drink. BROOKE: Uh-huh. LUCAS: Look! I meant what I said. OK, an-and now that I'm back, it's a little embarrassing so how about we just- BROOKE: (Glad for the escape hatch.) Don't mention it! PEYTON: Great. LUCAS: (relieved) So what do you say huh? You in? BROOKE: (shrugging) Any excuse for a party. PEYTON: For Nathan and Haley, why not. LUCAS: Great(!) We'll do it together. Come on! Check it out! BROOKE: Fake cough? (Peyton nods.) That's the best you could come up with? PEYTON: I know, I had nothing. (They laugh.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - EST SHOT - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - DAN'S ROOM - DAY] (Dan is sitting up in bed.) DAN: Have you ever seen the sky so blue? DEB: (At the window.) It's a-a nice day. DAN: They're all nice. DEB: (unsure) Dan, (pause) we should talk about Keith. DAN: I don't blame you Deb. Lord knows I've given you enough reasons to stray. DEB: Um... DAN: I think I'll get some rest now. DEB: (breathes deeply.) OK. DAN: How about you bring the divorce papers by? I should sign them. You never know what could happen to me. DEB: Nothing is going to happen to you Dan. DAN: It already has. (Deb looks at him uncertainly but he smiles some more.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - DAY] (Shot of Lucas' cell phone. It shows a message from Haley saying; 'PRTY = GR8 IDEA!'. Lucas sends a reply; 'XLNT!'. Haley comes up to him holding exactly the same phone.) HALEY: Excellent right back at you BIL. LUCAS: (laughs) OK, I've been gone for, what; few days and you already forgotten my name? Who's Bill? HALEY: (Links arms with him.) B-I-L; Brother In Law. That's you! (She pats his arm.) LUCAS: (understanding.) Oh-ho, crap. I'm related to you? HALEY: Hahaha. (laughs) LUCAS: Look, I know...I was sketchy when I left but...just, you know, you surprised me and...I just want you to know I'm happy for you Halez. HALEY: I know. And Nathan told me about you calling and asking about Dan and us and...it's cool. Thank you. (Lucas puts his arm around Haley and hugs her. Nathan comes up and pulls her to himself. She hugs him.) NATHAN: Hey(!) Get your own wife. LUCAS: (Laughing) OK, that just sounds weird. (Haley and Nathan laugh.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY] (Peyton is looking in her trunk. Brooke drops her books and gets her phone out.) BROOKE: Oh, crap. Um, can you grab that for me real quick? (Peyton bends over to pick up the book and Brooke takes a picture of her backside. Peyton straightens and hands the book over.) BROOKE: Thanks. (Sees Lucas, Haley and Nathan approaching.) Oh look, it's our very own Britney Spears and...whoever she married this week. I have a question for you guys; what do you think? Pink booties or blue? HALEY: Booties? Brooke, I'm not pregnant. BROOKE: No. The only way this isn't totally screwed up is if you're knocked up but don't worry, your secret's safe with me. (Tim shoves Brooke aside as he walks up and sits on the hood of a car.) TIM: What's this lame-ass joke about you guys getting married? PEYTON: He's in shock now that you're officially off the market. BROOKE: It's true Tim, Haley's preggers. HALEY: Brooke! TIM: Right; and Lucas moved away. (Lucas looks at him.) You guys gotta do better if you gonna get one over on the Tim. (Peyton and Brooke shove him away.) HALEY: The Tim (laughs). [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - DOORSTEP - DAY] (Haley knocks on Deb's front door, holding a plant pot. She turns as she hears Deb's car pulling into the drive. Deb is behind the wheel, wearing sunglasses. She gets out of the car.) HALEY: Hi. This is for Mr Scott; Dan. (Laughs) I don't know what to call him. DEB: You can take it to him yourself. HALEY: Nathan said that probably wasn't a good idea. DEB: And coming over here was? (Haley looks down realising that Deb really doesn't like her anymore.) HALEY: Mrs Scott, I'm not sorry I married Nathan but I am sorry about how we ambushed you with it. I know you're dealing with a lot right now. (Deb stops and turns slightly.) Anyway, Lucas is throwing us a party and we'd...(amends)...I'd love it if you could come. DEB: (Hostile) Nathan's father nearly dies and you want to have a party? And even if Dan were fine, I would not and will not give you my blessing for destroying my sons life or, and you can trust me on this, your own. (Deb walks into the house, closing the door in Haley's face. Haley has tears in her eyes.) FADE OUT: COMMERCIAL SET: [INT. PEYTON'S HOUSE - PEYTON'S BEDROOM - DAY] (Peyton is in her room. Brooke walks in and slaps her on the hip.) BROOKE: Hey hoe. PEYTON: (Looking at a CD.) Brooke, step away from the computer. BROOKE: Soon as I check your 'Lust Factor' score, this morning you were up to a 7.6. PEYTON: (Not impressed.) Out of a 10? BROOKE: Um-hum! (Looks at the computer and brings up the picture of Peyton's behind.) PEYTON: Brooke you did not post my ass on the internet! BROOKE: Of course I did! And well, well, well, it raised Miss P's overall by five tenths on a point and you now have fifty-three guys waiting to meet you. PEYTON: I can't believe this. BROOKE: (Looking through the guys pictures on the computer.) Too old. Oh, too hairy. Too...mine(!) (Peyton gives her a 'you're impossible' look.) Oh too female, but a 9.8, that's interesting. (Peyton looks away annoyed.) Here we go; here's an emo looking, sappy, guitar playing loser. He's perfect for you. PEYTON: Not interested and I've gotta burn Nathan and Haley's CD so get up. (Brooke protests.) Move it! BROOKE: (Gives in.) Fine! (Sits on Peyton's bed.) So, what do you think our, ah, new pal Lucas wrote in that letter anyway? PEYTON: (Doesn't want to talk about it.) Didn't matter when he was gone, why should it matter now? (Puts a CD into the CD drive, on it is written 'NATHAN AND HALEY = NALEY FOREVER'.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. RIVERCOURT - DAY] (Birdseye view of a basketball going into the basket and Skills walking under it to catch it. Lucas walks up in flip-flops.) SKILLS: (happily) You can shave your head dawg, but you still aint as pretty as me. LUCAS: (smiles) How you doing Skills? (Hugs him.) SKILLS: Question is how you doing man. LUCAS: I'm good! I'm good. (They sit on a bench.) SKILLS: Alright, here it is. How bout you tell me da truth in da next five seconds and I forget you jus lied to me. LUCAS: (pause) I woke up in Charleston and realised; nobody knows me here, nobody knows about Dan, my mom, all the things I regret. It's all been erased. You know, it's gone. (pause) And it felt good. Knowing that whoever I decided to be from that day forward was the person that they'd see. (Shrugs one shoulder.) Then the phone rang. SKILLS: Well hey, what could I do to make it easier for you? My bald head brother. LUCAS: (laughs) Actually, see if you can get the guys to help me out a little later. SKILLS: OK, time and place. LUCAS: Beautiful, thanks Skills. (Knocks fists with Skills before he picks up his bag.) SKILLS: No doubt. (Lucas walks away.) Hey yo Luke! (Lucas turns.) You gotta let it flow baby. You know, like me. LUCAS: Yeah, I know, I know, I know. (Feels his almost non-existent hair.) As you can see, I'm trying. Haha. SKILLS: Aight. No doubt. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - DAY] (Deb is pouring herself some coffee when Nathan walks into the kitchen off-screen.) DEB: Hey, Nathan. It's good to see you. NATHAN: (Does not look pleased.) Haley told me what you said to her. DEB: Nate! NATHAN: We're married now mom, and you and dad can flip out all you want but it's done! Nobody cares what you think! DEB: I only want what's best for you Nathan. NATHAN: Then how about you and dad back off...and shut up about Haley and me. DEB: Your father doesn't even know! NATHAN: You haven't told him? DEB: No. You're such an adult, why don't you tell him? (Nathan looks uncertain.) The news will probably kill him and believe me, the guilt from that will stay with you a lot longer than Haley ever will. NATHAN: (sarcastically) Thanks for the love mom. (Deb sighs and looks on.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JAMES' RESIDENCE - HALEY'S OLD ROOM - DAY] (Haley is sitting on her old bed in her deserted room holding her teddy bear; Mr Waffles. She looks lost as she cries.) LYDIA JAMES: (v.o) All these empty bedrooms. (Lydia and Jimmy James walk into the room.) LYDIA JAMES: We could open a crack house; an upscale one. (She looks at Haley.) JIMMY JAMES: Yeah, like a crack resort. LYDIA JAMES: (about Haley.) She came back for Mr Waffles. (Haley struggles to breathe after all the crying.) JIMMY JAMES: Nathan do something? HALEY: (upset) No. His um...mother, she said- LYDIA JAMES: (interrupting) You were ruining her son's life. HAYLEY: Yeah, basically. LYDIA JAMES: (Looks at Jimmy and he mouths along with what she says.) Of course she did. In-laws... (They both get on the bed, either side of her.)...are like the FBI honey. (They pat her.) They have a system and they follow it. First manoeuvre is you're ruining her child's life. (Haley laughs gloomily.) JIMMY JAMES: Yeah, then it goes to; she can't cook. LYDIA JAMES: Her house is dirty. JIMMY JAMES: We found some hash in the guestroom. (Haley laughs.) LYDIA JAMES: There's only one way to deal with them kiddo. JIMMY JAMES: Screw em. I mean, you know, don't actually have s*x with them. HALEY: (Revolted at the language but laughing all the same.) Da-ad! LYDIA JAMES: What your father's saying is, if you're gonna come home crying every time you let them get the best of you; you might as well move back in now, before we give your stuff to charity. (Haley looks desolate.) You wanted this Haley. (Haley sighs.) Time to grow up. (Haley nods.) By the way, the dog threw up on Mr Waffles. (Haley grimaces as she lifts the bear by the tip of the paw and throws him to the end of the bed.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROE RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - DAY] (Karen is looking at an article of a spring time college course but throws it in the recycling bin. Keith knocks on the door and Karen opens it.) KAREN: Keith. KEITH: Hey. I uh, I meant to call you but um...you know, this thing with Dan is...(They look at each other uncomfortably.)...anyway uh, Luke left his IPod in the truck. KAREN: (Takes it.) Oh, I'm sorry. In that you had to come back. But I'll be honest, I'm-I'm relieved that Lucas is home. KEITH: Yeah. KAREN: And you too. KEITH: Well I'm not sure how long I'm gonna stay but, uh, you know, we'll see. (Karen nods.) I'll see ya. (He smiles and leaves the house. Karen just looks after his retreating back.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE HALL - DAY] (Lucas is carrying boxes into the hall when Skills, Fergie and Mouth approach.) FERGIE: That kid looks kinda like Luke. (Takes a box.) MOUTH: It can't be, Luke moved away. (Also takes a box.) LUCAS: (Slaps hands with Fergie and Mouth.) Ah, hey thanks for helping out guys. SKILLS: So you throwin a party for da devil huh? This part of your fresh start? (Lucas hands him a box.) LUCAS: You know what, you're going to be surprised Skills. (Takes the last box.) Haley's turned him into a pretty decent guy. SKILLS: Hey if you say so man. Hey dawg, with dis new look of yours, really don't impress me. Now if you get a afro like Fergie, den we can talk. (Laughs. They walk into the hall.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE HALL - DAY] (The hall has been decorated well. There are multicoloured curtains and lights all over them. The stage also has lights all around and a bench in the middle. Three pictures hang above it. On the left is an Andy Worhol style picture of Nathan and one of Haley on the right. The picture in the middle is in quarters; half of Nathan and the other of Haley. It is obvious that Peyton did them.) LUCAS: (Puts the box on the table. Walks over to Peyton.) Woah, Peyton. That looks great. PEYTON: (Sticking up the heads of Nathan and Haley, when they were children, on a blackboard which she has decorated with gold and silver pen with a bride and groom in the middle.) Thanks. BROOKE: (Walks in holding helium filled condoms.) Ok, for future reference; having a convertible filled with inflated rubber, not smart! LUCAS: Helium condoms? BROOKE: What? If she's pregnant, it's a reminder and if she's not; it's a reminder it's cute. (Lucas laughs and looks closer at them.) Hey Mouth, how's your bod? MOUTH: Skinny. (Skills and Fergie laugh.) LUCAS: (o.s to Brooke.) You know Skills and Fergie right? BROOKE: Of course I do. (Takes our Peyton's Polaroid camera.) Hey guys, do you know Peyton? PEYTON: (Slightly embarrassed.) Hi. (Waves) SKILLS: (appreciatively) What's up skinny girl? BROOKE: Peyton's an 8.1 on the 'Lust Factor'. (Walks past Peyton and takes a picture of her chest. Peyton looks at her shocked.) Soon to be a 9. (Peyton turns away and continues drawing on the blackboard.) Now I was thinking we can take the cameras, put them out on the tables, people can take pictures for the wedding wall. LUCAS: Nice. BROOKE: Care to know what else I have planned? I know you do! I have (takes out two spray cans from the box.) spray string; for when Tutor Girl and Boy arrive and...Mouth, come here. (Walks over to him.) Sit. (Sits him on a chair.) PEYTON: What is that? (Points at Mouth.) BROOKE: This, (Buckles Mouth onto the chair.) Missy blond girl, is the Brooke Davis version of 'Spin the Bottle'. (Peyton 'ohs' silently.) Only now, it's 'Spin the Body'. Watch. (She spins Mouth and stops him at Skills.) OK, you two have to make out. (Peyton laughs embarrassedly.) And last but not least; we have 'Five Minutes in the Elevator'. LUCAS: Isn't it 'Five Minutes in the Closet'? BROOKE: Yeah, if you're in junior high. But the great part about this is; you know how everybody has their elevator list? SKILLS: (confused) What? BROOKE: (nobody understands.) Your elevator list! Come on! The list of people you're allowed to have s*x with if you're ever stuck in an elevator with them. SKILLS: Halle Berry. FERGIE: Beyonce. PEYTON: Jack Black. MOUTH: Brooke Davis. (Lucas laughs. Peyton looks.) BROOKE: Well! Everybody makes a list and if two people have each others names...five minutes in the elevator. (Everyone looks equal amounts pleased and shocked.) LUCAS: Sounds like fun Brooke. Nice work! BROOKE: Thank you. Now all we need is a Nathan and a Haley. (Spins Mouth.) Mouth: (Pointing at Skills.) No. (Pointing at Brooke.) Yes. (Pointing at Lucas.) No. (Pointing at Peyton.) Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - DAN'S ROOM - DAY] (Dan is sitting up reading a puzzle book when Nathan walks in.) NATHAN: How you doing dad? DAN: (pause) I'm sorry about the play-offs Nathan. All on me. NATHAN: It's OK, it's done. DAN: I know things haven't been great between us lately- NATHAN: Dad, listen, before you say anything, ah, (Plays with his wedding ring.) There's something you should know. Haley and I...we got married. DAN: (speechless.) Uh, you trying to give me another heart attack son? NATHAN: No, it's true. (Briefly holds up his hand to show the ring.) Sorry we didn't tell you but, uh, well there it is. DAN: So that's it for basketball. NATHAN: (frowning) Why should it be? DAN: You'll see. You think you can do it all now but, one day you'll look up and realise all you have to live with are your mistakes. NATHAN: It's not a mistake dad. We're both happy. It's a good thing. DAN: I was talking about my mistakes too Nathan. (Nathan considers Dan's mistakes.) (v.o) Sooner or later we all choose a path. Sometimes you never look back and sometimes life forces you to. NATHAN: OK, um...I'm just gonna let you get some rest alright dad? DAN: Nathan. (Nathan turns slightly.) Would you ask Lucas to drop by? I'd really like to see your brother. (Nathan doesn't answer; he turns and leaves the hospital.) FADE OUT: [SCENE_BREAK] COMMERCIAL SET: [INT. HALL - DAY] (Lucas is still moving boxes as Nathan walks in.) NATHAN: Hey! This is great man. LUCAS: (Turns and laughs.) Hey, shouldn't you be home getting ready? NATHAN: Yeah but I ah...I needed to talk to you first. LUCAS: Yeah? NATHAN: I just went down to the hospital and uh...(pause)...he said he wants to see you. LUCAS: (Dumbfounded, sits at the edge of the stage.) Woah. NATHAN: Luke, when I was younger, I thought I had the best of things; I had a father in my life (pause) but if you want my advice; just stay away OK. The best thing I ever did was get emancipated. It feels good to be free. (Lucas nods. A door shuts off-screen.) KAREN: (v.o) Lucas? (Walks on-screen.) Oh hey Nathan. NATHAN: Hey. KAREN: I guess a, uh, congratulations are in order. NATHAN: (smiles and nods thankfully.) Well anyway, I was just ah, heading out so...see ya tonight. (leaves) KAREN: It's a brave new world huh? (Lucas smiles and so does Karen.) KAREN: (Looking at an enlarged ID card with a hole cut out where the face should be.) Hm, this is interesting. LUCAS: Oh yeah. From the mind of Brooke Davis. (Laughs and stands up to explain it to her.) For a twenty dollar donation, you get a fake ID...and...Nathan and Haley get the cash. (Give his mom a look.) Go on! (Waves her onto the stool.) KAREN: Make me younger. LUCAS: (Laughs) Ready? One, two, three; smile! (Karen smiles as he takes the picture. Removes the Polaroid, shakes it and hands it over for her to see.) So I found a-a course catalogue (Karen's eyes widen.) in the recycling bin. Were you thinking about college? KAREN: A couple of classes. And now, not so much. (Starts cutting around the picture.) LUCAS: Why not? Coz I'm back? KAREN: No, it's just. (She looks up at him.) It can wait. LUCAS: For what? (Karen hands him the picture. He takes it and laminates it.) So uh, Nathan told me Dan wants to see me. KAREN: Way to bury the lead. Why didn't you tell me? LUCAS: I just did. KAREN: You gonna go? LUCAS: I dunno. What do you think? KAREN: (Sighs. She can't forget that Dan abandoned Lucas.) I think it's a tough call where Dan's concerned. Let me tell you a little dirty secret about being a parent; I don't have a road map anymore than you do. This time the only advice that I can give you is whatever you decide with Dan...be careful. LUCAS: (Nods. He looks at the picture and hands it to Karen.) Hm...here you go mom. You're a kid again. KAREN: (exclaims) You know, on second thought, (Hands it back.) No thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - WHITEY DURHAM FIELD HOUSE - DAY] (Whitey is back at the school with no obvious evidence of having had the operation. Keith walks in.) KEITH: Hey old man, there you are. WHITEY: (Obviously pleased to see him.) Keith! KEITH: Bought you a decent cup of coffee. WHITEY: Thanks. KEITH: Yeah, (dropping the pretence.) Of course it's cold because I stopped by the hospital first, nurse told me you checked out. That's a pretty big risk to be taking with your eyesight. WHITEY: (Laughs and sits behind his desk.) Who are you to be lecturing me about risk? KEITH: Oh, here it comes; the old Whitey dodge. Hey, we're talking about you. WHITEY: You said you went to the hospital. How much can I bet that you didn't bother to go see your brother while you were there? KEITH: That is not the point. WHITEY: That's exactly the point. Look Keith, we both know that Dan is a world class jerk but he's still your brother. When you get to be my age, and you're facing something like this...damn surgery, then the most important thing in your life becomes your life. And the person you were when you lived it. KEITH: Um, I'm pretty sure that Dan doesn't wanna see me. WHITEY: So what?! You be the better man Keith. (pause) Alright, what happened this time? KEITH: I kind of (pause) slept with Deb. WHITEY: (Face falls, shocked. Whistles.) Oh, forget everything I said. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PEYTON'S HOUSE - BATHROOM - DAY] (Peyton is taking a shower with a pink shower cap over her hair.) PEYTON: Hey Brooke, what are you wearing tonight? I mean it's more of a party than a wedding reception right? (Brooke quickly pulls opens the shower curtain and takes a picture of a naked and wet Peyton while Peyton has her back turned.) PEYTON: Brooke! (Brooke cackles as she runs off. Peyton looks at the front of the shower dumbfounded.) BROOKE: Nice! We are gonna get you a ten yet. (Haley enters as Brooke sits at Peyton's computer.) HALEY: Hey, is Peyton around? (Brooke puts the memory card into a slot connected to the PC.) She said she was gonna loan me something to wear. BROOKE: (o.s) Yeah, she'll be out in a second. (The computer uploads the picture and Haley looks at it shocked.) HALEY: Oh my god! Where did you get that picture of her? Brooke: You gotta love modern technology. It's for a little project that I'm doing, to help expand her horizons. HALEY: By posting nude pictures of her on the internet? BROOKE: Don't worry. She's gonna thank me when she sees the guys that are lining up. (She messes around on the computer a little. Haley raises an eyebrow.) HALEY: (distracted) Oh, he's cute. Oo, really cute. Oh that's what I'm talking about. BROOKE: Down girl. You can look at the menu all you want but from now on, you eat at home. (Haley laughs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE HALL - EVENING] (The party is in full swing. Lights and disco balls everywhere. Lucas walks around with a camera and takes pictures at random.) FERGIE: Great party dawg. LUCAS: Hey. Thanks Fergie, enjoy. (The camera moves around fast. Lucas takes a picture of Brooke and Mouth at the DJ's table. He walks up to Peyton getting a fake tattoo.) LUCAS: Hi. PEYTON: Hey. Kind of ironic, it says; 'Naley Forever' but it's a temporary tattoo. (Lucas takes a picture of it.) LUCAS: It's symbolic. (They laugh.) BROOKE: (Ecstatically into a microphone on the stage.) They're here! They're here! Mouth, did you get the extra spray string? (Walks off before she gets an answer.) MOUTH: Sorta. (Haley and Nathan walk up the stairs amidst cheers and clapping. Haley yells and laughs happily. People are spraying them with string. Mouth comes along with his can and starts spraying only its spray cheese rather than string and he sprays it on Skills' head and shoulder. Skills looks disgustedly at him.) MOUTH: (explains) They were outta spray string so...I got cheese instead. (Fergie dips a chip into the cheese on Skills' shoulder and eats it, shrugging. Deb enters, holding a present and feeling completely out of place. She sees Nathan and Haley hugging Haley's parents, realising that Jimmy and Lydia are happy for the pair. Nathan is welcome into their family.) FADE OUT: COMMERCIAL SET: [INT. THE HALL - EVENING] (The party is still going strong, people chasing each other with spray string and laughing. Deb approaches Lucas.) DEB: Lucas. LUCAS: (turns) Oh hey, Mrs Scott. DEB: Hi. LUCAS: Nice to see you. DEB: I brought a gift. LUCAS: Oh, great, ah just set it on the table. DEB: (smiles) Ok, thanks. LUCAS: Yeah. (Walks up to a guy not partying, just looking around.) Are you with Nathan or Haley? GUY: Peyton. (He walks up to Peyton.) PEYTON: (Points) Shot in the dark; 'Lust Factor'? GUY: Definitely. PEYTON: OK, um...my friend put me on there as a joke. I'm not looking. GUY: I'm up to a 9.6. PEYTON: I'm...not on the market. GUY: Well I'm on your page so IM me sometime. (Peyton nods perplexed.) BROOKE: (approaches) Are you crazy? What were you thinking, letting him go? He's gotta be like a 9.5- PEYTON: 6. And remind me to kill you later. (Brooke smiles sheepishly.) How many more are coming? BROOKE: (Fake coughs like Peyton did earlier.) I thi-I-I need something to drink. (Walks off.) PEYTON: Brooke! Do not fake cough me! (Karen is looking at all the wrapped presents. She sees Deb.) KAREN: Deb, you came. DEB: Yeah. I'm not sure why, this is, ah, it's pretty wild. KAREN: Hm, looks fine. (jokes) You wanna dance? DEB: (Looks at how some people are dancing and laughs.) No, um, I think I'll leave the dancing to the kids. KAREN: (Lydia and Jimmy dancing. They wave at her.) Uh, you know, let's sit. DEB: Yeah OK. KAREN: You hungry? DEB: How can you be so at ease with all of this? KAREN: I know this is hard for you Deb. DEB: Oh don't tell me you honestly think this can work? KAREN: (explaining) Haley's been like a daughter to me. DEB: And Nathan used to be a son to me. On top of that, you can't possibly know what they're up against Karen. You didn't get married when you were their age. (Trails off as she realises that the only reason Karen didn't get married at that age was because Deb came into the picture. Karen gives her a 'carry on' look.) NATHAN: (o.s) Mom? HALEY: (shocked) Mrs Scott, you came. DEB: Yeah. Thought I should. HALEY: I'm really glad you did. (Everyone is slightly uncomfortable.) Wanna come meet my parents? DEB: Um, oh. (Takes out her phone, even though it obviously isn't ringing and looks at it.) Oh this is Dan, I really should take it. (Walks off.) (Haley looks at Karen.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - DAN'S ROOM - NIGHT] (Dan is sitting on the bed eating jello when Keith walks in.) KEITH: Hi. DAN: (Turns the TV off.) I was wondering if you were ever gonna come visit me. KEITH: I was just um...waiting for the right time and uh, I guess then I realised there wasn't gonna be a right time so...here I am. (Dan smiles.) I'm sorry Dan. About what happened with me and Deb. I ah, I wish I can take it all back. DAN: I haven't been much of a brother to you Keith, or a husband to Deb, or a father. I guess I've just had other things on my mind; success, business. (Keith is shocked beyond words.) KEITH: Well, you just worry about getting well. OK? I'll uh, help out at the dealership till you...get back on your feet. I-I know you're gonna have a very strong opinion about this but- DAN: Actually that would take a load off my mind. (Eats jello.) KEITH: (Confused pause.) You're OK with that? DAN: (nods) Things change. People change. KEITH: (relieved) O-oh, well OK then. (smiles) Um...get well Dan. (Dan smiles and nods. Keith walks out of the room but not before giving him a very strange look. Dan smiles and turns the TV back on.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE HALL - EVENING] (Jimmy is standing at the ID card while Lydia takes many strange pictures with him in sunglasses and a red cap.) HALEY: (o.s) There you guys are. LYDIA JAMES: Hey. HALEY: Hey. Oh, now we've lost Nathan's mom somewhere. LYDIA JAMES: She actually came? NATHAN: Guess she's trying to make an effort. LYDIA JAMES: Well then...we will too. Oh, but first we have something to tell you. JIMMY JAMES: Oh-oh yeah, it's ah, well it's kind of a wedding present. Ah, for us. HALEY: (confused) Ok. What is it? LYDIA JAMES: Well, (sighs) we got ourselves an RV. (Haley looks at her mother disbelieving.) JIMMY JAMES: You see, we always said when the last bird flew, we'd sell the coop, buy an RV and hit the road. Who knew someday was gonna be today? HALEY: (understandably upset.) You guys are leaving town? LYDIA JAMES: Oh baby. The beauty...of a motor home is that we can launch a sneak attack anytime and anywhere. This is how we set each other free. (Smiles at her daughter and Jimmy smiles at Nathan; who returns it. Haley hugs her mother.) (Lucas and Mouth are attacking Skills and Fergie with spray string. Lucas sees a guy in a kilt and stands up.) LUCAS: Uh...Peyton right? GUY IN KILT: How do you know? LUCAS: Lucky guess. (Whitey stops in front of Haley and Nathan with a present.) NATHAN: Coach! How are ya? WHITEY: Well I'm old, but I wasn't always that way. There was a time when I was young and in love like the two of you. (He gives them the present. It's a baby quilt.) Here. Camilla stitched that during the first year of our marriage. It's a baby blanket. (Haley is awestruck.) Course ah, we spent all those years just the two of us in the nest but I think she'd like that to go to somebody she would have been really fond of. HALEY: Oh coach, that's so sweet of you, thank you, but I'm not pregnant. (Nathan shoots an amused glance at Whitey.) WHITEY: Well you never know; he is a Scott after all. (Haley and Nathan laugh.) HALEY: Would you excuse me for just a minute? (She hands the present to Nathan.) NATHAN: Yeah. (Haley walks away.) Thanks coach. (Brooke spins an arrow on 'Party Tangle'.) BROOKE: (o.s) OK, foot on orange. HALEY: (Stalking up to Brooke.) What do I have to do? Pee on a stick? BROOKE: Um...if that's your kicks. Do I know what we're talking about? HALEY: Brooke, I am not pregnant. (Brooke rolls her eyes. She doesn't believe it.) Look. (She unzips the side of her pants and shows a patch.) It's a birth control patch. I've had it for weeks. BROOKE: (Looking around, finally understanding.) So it really is just about love. HALEY: Yeah. What other reason do we need? (Brooke smiles at her. She wants that.) (Skills stands beside Lucas.) SKILLS: You did a good thing here Luke man. LUCAS: Thanks Skills. SKILLS: Hey, so I was thinking about Charleston right? And about how you could have been dis new person. (Lucas laughs.) Yeah well see, I remember the person that you used to be. Why not just be him again? (Lucas knows it's a good idea.) Trust me. I mean you so lucky dawg, you surrounded by so many people who you love. You see, now you gotta make yourself one of those people. Aight? LUCAS: (nodding) Yeah. (They hit fists.) SKILLS: My dawg. (Looks at some girls.) I'll be back. (Walks away.) KEITH: Hey. LUCAS: Oh hey! Where you been hiding? KEITH: I, you know, just...had some things to take care of. Luke, I know how much Charleston meant to you. (Lucas agrees.) But um...looks like I'm gonna be taking over the dealership until Dan gets better so um...we're gonna be living here for a while. You OK with that? LUCAS: Yeah. You know it's probably better to get a fresh start with the people who actually matter in your life right? KEITH: Yeah. (Nods. Lucas laughs. He sees Brooke and Peyton spraying a passer-by and laughing.) Um...speaking of, excuse me. (Lucas walks away and Keith gets sprayed in the face.) LUCAS: (To Peyton and Brooke.) You ladies throw a pretty rocking party. BROOKE: (agreeing) Yeah well, doesn't suck. PEYTON: What are you smiling about? LUCAS: You didn't read it did you? (off their looks.) The letter. PEYTON: Oh. (Her and Brooke exchange glances.) BROOKE: Course we did! LUCAS: Oh, so yo-you were ok with the P.S. about the three of us? BROOKE: Yeah, sure. PEYTON: Absolutely. LUCAS: Really? Really? So the threesome with the hot fudge didn't bother you huh? (Peyton and Brooke look stumped.) BROOKE: I knew we should have read the letter. PEYTON: We thought you'd left town. BROOKE: So we, sort of, burned it. LUCAS: Burned it, wow, heh, you know what? I'm glad you didn't read it. I mean all that stuff I said (shrugs) it's not important now. And what matters now is that the three of us...we're gonna be OK. (They smile. Someone takes a picture of them.) KEITH: (o.s to Karen.) Hey. KAREN: (o.s) Keith! Um. (She takes a bit of party string off of his shoulder.) KEITH: Well um...I'm back. I um...I've decided to run the dealership for Dan, at least for a little while. KAREN: You've given up a lot for Dan. He doesn't deserve a brother like you. KEITH: (Looks at Deb striding past.) Actually, he deserves better. (Karen still doesn't know what happened.) (Deb touches the picture of Nathan's head stuck to the drawing of the groom.) NATHAN: Mom. You met Haley's parents? LYDIA JAMES: Hi, I'm Lydia James this is my husband Jim. JIMMY JAMES: Hi, nice to meet you. DEB: Hi. JIMMY JAMES: Sorry to hear about your husband. How's he doing? DEB: He's ah, he's struggling with a new reality, I suppose we both are. (Nathan wants to protest but can't.) LYDIA JAMES: Well, I look forward to the day when we can all break bread and...argue about religion and politics and how best to raise our grandchildren. JIMMY JAMES: Yeah ah-ah, no hurry on the last one by the way. (Jimmy, Lydia and Nathan laugh. Deb is not happy. Lydia nudges Jimmy a bit, hoping for some help.) Well you've raised a fine man. DEB: He's not a man. JIMMY JAMES: Sorry? DEB: I said he's not a man, he's a boy and none of this would have happened if you people had had enough common sense to stop it! NATHAN: Mom! DEB: NO! I am not going to stand here and make nice and pretend like this is all OK when it isn't. HALEY: (appears) Then don't! (Everyone looks at her shocked.) It's one thing for you to raise your voice at me but don't come in here and dump on my parents! We made our decision, we got married and we're happy and if you're not here to celebrate with us, then you should just go home because I don't want you here! (Nathan puts his arm around Haley and stares his mother down. Jimmy doesn't look too happy either. Deb turns and leaves; Nathan sighs. Haley is unwavering.) FADE OUT: COMMERCIAL SET: [EXT. THE HALL - EVENING] (Haley is sitting out on the steps, upset and tired. Nathan comes out and sits next to her.) NATHAN: Nicely played. HALEY: I am so sorry. I-as if things aren't bad enough with your family. NATHAN: You couldn't make it any worse. HALEY: You know what's weird? Even with my parents leaving town, I have never felt safer in my life. NATHAN: You know what's weirder? Seeing you take my mom's head off back there actually kinda turned me on. HALEY: (sputters) (pause) Five minutes in the elevator? NATHAN: How bout right here? (Haley smiles and kisses him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - DAN'S ROOM - EVENING] (Dan sits at the window, looking out at the city when Deb walks in and sits behind him; sighing.) DEB: I forgot how beautiful Nathan's smile was until tonight. What hurts most is...it went away when he saw me. DAN: What happened? DEB: I bitched out Haley's parents and made things worse. DAN: (Smiles sardonically.) Nice work. DEB: (upset) It's not funny Dan. He has a new family now. (cries.) DAN: (Stands up and walks to her. He holds her.) Don't worry. I promise; together we'll get our son back. (We see a bit of the 'old' Dan coming back.) [SCENE_BREAK] COMMERCIAL SET: [INT. THE HALL - EVENING] (Haley's parents are standing on the stage, at the microphone.) JIMMY JAMES: Ah, I guess it's no surprise that some would criticize us; call us unfit parents. LYDIA JAMES: And normally...they would be right. (Haley smiles fondly at them while Nathan looks fondly at her.) JIMMY JAMES: And for those who say they're too young, let me just say; hell you can drive at sixteen, go to war at eighteen, you can drink at twenty-one and retire at sixty-five so how old do you have to be...before your love...is real? (He smiles at his daughter who has tears in her eyes.) LYDIA JAMES: So here's to you Haley-bub, and Nathan; she's your headache now. (Nathan laughs and holds up his glass, as does everyone else.) LUCAS: (Now at the microphone.) I think everybody...knows that Nathan and I got of to a pretty sketchy start. Nathan; mutual hatred sound about right? NATHAN: Worse! (They laugh.) LUCAS: Yeah. (pause) You see, then a funny thing happened; (pause) Haley. She showed me that you can find the good in everybody, if you just give them a chance. The benefit of the doubt. (Jimmy and Lydia smile at Haley who has happy tears running down her face.) Sometimes, people disappoint you. (Cut to Brooke who looks down.) Sometimes they surprise you. (Cut to Peyton who looks up slightly, then Karen and then Keith.) But you never really get to know them...until you listen for what's in their hearts and that's what Haley did with Nathan. That's what we should do for them. So for you sceptics out there, prepare to be surprised. So this (Holds up his bottle of water.) is to my...brother and my little sis (Haley smiles widely.) in-law, and in love. (Everybody raises their glasses.) PEYTON: (Glass raised.) Cheers. BROOKE: (Glass raised.) Cheers. (A shutter sound goes off and the shot freezes on Haley and Nathan drinking from their glasses.) [SCENE_BREAK] (We see a close-up shot of the heads of Haley and Nathan, as children, stuck onto the drawing of the bride and groom on the blackboard.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] (Deb is sitting in the living room with the lights off. She is holding the same picture of Nathan as a child. It's a school photo and in a frame. She hugs it to her chest.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BROOKE'S HOUSE - BROOKE'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Brooke looks at the picture of herself, Lucas and Peyton that was taken at the party. She walks up to her mirror and sticks it on. She smiles happily and we see another picture on her mirror; one of Peyton also taken at the party.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PEYTON'S HOUSE - PEYTON'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Peyton is on her computer, looking at the 'Lust Factor' page that Brooke set up for her. It shows that she now has a rating of 9.4. She clicks on 'Delete my Profile'. She stares for a second before clicking to delete it permanently.) [SCENE_BREAK] [THE WEDDING WALL] (picture of Karen's fake ID. It shows her name to be Page Turner born on the 23rd of May 1974.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROE RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - EVENING] (Karen is using a highlighter to mark courses that she is interested in.) [SCENE_BREAK] [THE WEDDING WALL] (Two pictures of Keith, one before he was spry stringed and one after.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAN SCOTT MOTORS - MORNING] (Keith is dressed smartly in a suit as he begins his first day on the job. He looks around and enters Dan's office with 'Dan Scott President' on the window.) [SCENE_BREAK] [THE WEDDING WALL] (Pictures of Lucas and Karen smiling.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - DAN'S ROOM - MORNING] (Someone pushes Dan's hospital room door open and walks in. Dan looks up, almost pleased.) DAN: I'm glad you came son. (Cut to show that it is actually Lucas standing there looking out of place. He squints and nods slightly.)

Plan: A: Peyton and Brooke,; Q: Who helps Lucas throw a wedding reception? A: Haley's parents; Q: Who supports the marriage? A: a difficult time; Q: What does Deb have accepting the marriage? A: Dan's recent heart attack; Q: What inspires Dan to try and mend his relationships? A: Deb and Lucas; Q: Who throws Nathan and Haley a wedding reception? A: The White Stripes; Q: What band is this episode named after? Summary: With the assistance of Peyton and Brooke, Lucas throws Nathan and Haley a wedding reception. Although Haley's parents support the marriage, Deb has a difficult time accepting it. Dan's recent heart attack inspires him to try and mend his relationships with Deb and Lucas. This episode is named after a song by The White Stripes .

Ted (2030): In spring 2009, I was hired to design a new headquarters for Goliath National Bank. And I hasten to add up to the plans of architect my paw. Ted is in the apartment, on his desk, drawing. Ted: Wooden beams immersed in natural light from the atrium.They will love it! Ted (2030): There was a problem and his name was Bilson. Ted presents his project. Bilson: Wood? Natural light? Oh, no! It reminds employees that there is an outside world where they have family and friends. We want to crush it! You arrive in the dark, you come home in the dark. You spend your whole damn day in the dark! Marshall: I need to hear Lily. Marshall rises. Bilson: Who told you to leave? Then sits down. Ted (2030): Bilson killed every one of my original ideas. Then one day the GNB has withdrawn from the project to create a new working group to oversee my plans. Everything changed at once. Ted: On the roof, a Zen garden to pray silently. In the lobby, a fountain where local kids can make wishes. The new GNB, your workplace and your home. Thank you, and.. welcome home. Ted (2030): Everything was fine until one day in the elevator. Ted takes the elevator when a woman is already there. Ted: Yeah, it's Ted. No, no. I have not approved the change in plans for the new GNB headquarters, which I am the chief architect, just 30 years. Yes, I'm single and I give to charity.What is the relationship? Okay, bye, Mr. Mayor. You know it was bogus? Woman: Yes, and I also know that the draft of the new headquarters was abandoned last month. Nice try. The woman came out of the elevator. GENERIC Lily, Marshall, Barney and Robin are in McClaren's. Barney: Look at Scarlett Johansson at the Oscars. If I could get a celebrity, it would be Scarlett Johansson. Canon, talented and you do not turn as Woody Allen's father without issue. Marshall: If I got a celebrity, it would be Lily. This is the star of my heart. Lily: For me it would be Hugh Jackman. Robin: You know, the celebrities, they like really weird s*x stuff. Believe me. Barney: How do you know that? Robin: It's embarrassing, but I... I came home one evening with a celebrity. Lily: My God! Seriously? Robin: He wanted to do weird things with me, so I left. That's it.End of story. Lily: No, not the end of history. I need to know who, what, when and where. Balance! Marshall: Please, calm down. You swallow too much air. Barney: But before you poursuives, I'm flattered, but technically I'm not a celebrity. Also, one last time, the mask, it was a joke. Robin: Not you, Barney. Lily: Who's who? Marshall: Now you've spun him hiccups. Robin: I'll tell you anything specific. But all I will say is that he is Canadian, but you know it. And he brought home by offering to show me a single collection. Marshall: What do you mean "collection"? Robin: As you collect stamps or coins. But I say nothing. Barney: Tell us at least the weird thing he wanted to do. Robin: I know not what you call it, but we have a name for it in Canada. Listen, I've already said too much. Lily: So the mystery celebrity who collects something mysterious asked you to do a mystery Canadian s*x act. Robin: Yes. Lily: Tell us. Robin: I'll tell you. But only if you correctly guess the three parties. Marshall: It is simply impossible. Robin: Right. Lily: I do not even know of Canadian s*x act. Barney: You have the Sled Dog, the Lobster Trap, the Mounted Police. Lily: How do you know that? Barney: Canadiansexact.org, this is a favorite. Marshall: Point org? Barney: Yeah. It's nonprofit. They just want to disseminate information. Ted joined them. Ted: I just had a conversation strange. A woman at the GNB told me that the new tower was abandoned last month. It's crazy, right? What is this look? Barney: It is said? It should. Marshall: No. I want to. Barney: There's been no light. Ted: What's going on? Marshall: It's time you know. A few weeks ago, Bilson called us. Flashback A few weeks earlier, Barney and Marshall are in the office of Bilson. Bilson: We abandon the project for the new headquarters. This recession is killing us. It cancels all the superfluous. And I have difficult choices to make during my semi retirement in St. Croix. Marshall: Dude, Ted will be devastated. Bilson: Not if he learns his best friend. Marshall and Barney: I have to say? Marshall and Barney are at the bar. Marshall: Tell him, you're his best friend. Barney: No, it's you. Marshall: No, it's really you. Shhh, it happens. Barney: White or Asian? You see, I hardly know him. Ted: How are you? Marshall: You okay? Ted: I'm frustrated. The least innovative thing in my drawings, Bilson cuts with a machete. I hate to depend on what kind of guy. Barney: You should leave the project. Marshall: It is clear, leave him. It is unworthy of you. Barney: It's decided. A new beginning! May the winds be with you... Ted: Are you kidding? They still come to turn a guy in my box.Bilson, is heavy, it is clear, but without this project, I have more work. Barney: It's funny you mention the project. Because... Marshall: You're super good. Keep it up, man. Your hair, your teeth are beautiful now. You shine like a diamond! Ted: Thank you. I needed it. Well, I go back to work. I must insert a plank in the dark hallway of Bilson. You have understood me. Ted from leaving Barn, ey and Marshall alone. Barney: What was that? Marshall: I have an idea. The next two months Ted has paid anyway. We could not let it continue and not to tell her? He had a tough year. Let the fun a little. Barney: You suggest a complicated lie in the long term that implies a lot of discipline. A guy like you will not succeed. Marshall: But if I can. Barney: Lie to me, there. Marshall: I have a spaceship. Barney: What kind of fuel? Marshall: I have no spaceship. Barney: But no! Defend yourself! If someone asks, diverts it from the original lie with other lies. I show you. I have a pony.Question me. Marshall: It is what color? Barney: When I was Dandelion, her complexion was of a deep hazel, unfortunately, his barn is located near a chemical plant, which contaminated water. Over time, it became a dull gray and the vet can not do anything to help. Marshall: My God! It's horrible. Dandelion will make it? Okay...You're strong! Dandelion is not sick, huh? End flashback Ted: So the tour is canceled and you really have lied to me. Marshall: We did it to protect you. Ted: I think so. My two best friends have planted and I saw nothing. Lily: In Canada, it's called a snow plow Vicious. Ted: This tower was the dream job and it went up in smoke. Marshall: Sorry, Ted. Ted: I need a drink. Lily: The poor. It's moved if I return to Canada on s*x? Marshall: Not at all. Barney: You've been slow. Lily: What is a Zamboni with 2 hands? Robin: Well, the only thing that carries the woman is skates with his hands. Lily: Pack milk Manitoba? Robin: It's like the Moustache of Chicago, but the person below wearing a combi. Lily: A Lobster Trap of Newfoundland? Robin: I dunno, I want to know. These people are crazy. Lily: Well, I decided my first proposal. Robin: Okay, but I say only if you find the person, the act and the collection. Lily: Well, I'm starting. Bryan Adams. He collects baseball cards and he wanted to make you... an oily Kayak. Robin: No. Barney: Wayne Gretzky, former Hot Wheels, an Eskimo kneeling. Robin: No. Marshall: Kiefer Sutherland, souvenir glasses, tights and a Pancake. Robin: No. I would have accepted it. Ted: Wait. If they canceled the project a month ago, why did I go every week to see the new working group? Barney: Of course, you could not see you point and Bilson. Marshall: So we... invented the working group. It was enough just to gather a team. Flashback Marshall: You see Roy Waterman, Vice President of Venture Capital? It's actually... Roy maintenance. (In the hallway...) I'm sorry, Roy. How would you like to make you some money? Roy: How far I have DESAPER? Marshall: Louisa Mendoza, Vice President at Capital exécutie, It's actually... Louisa from the cafeteria. (In the canteen...) Louisa, I need your help, but forbidden to speak. Louisa: I speak English. Marshall: Exactly. This is an important secret. How do you say "secret" in Spanish? Louisa: Pellets? Marshall: Okay. Albondigas. This will be our little albondigas. I have balls, please? Arthur and Nasmith, the eccentric genius, investment guru, it's actually... Arty the cracked one-man band of 15th Street. (In the street...) Excuse me. One can argue? Arty: Actually, my assistant, Reginald took my appointments. A squirrel is on the sidewalk. Marshall: It was completed with the group of trainees and paid $ 50 for them to look enthusiastic when you talked... Arty: Reginald, next week, get me out of here. End flashback Ted: That was one of the most inspired designs of my career. I was so excited. Lily: Alex Trebek, a Guardian Eventé, teddy bear! Robin: No. Lily: Damn! Ted: Wait. It explains what happened to Louisa. Flashback Ted has finished presenting his project. Marshall: Good job. Barney: All right! Ted: Louisa. What can we do about it? Do not like you not understand. You feel the same. After all! Ted kisses her. Louisa: No, I can not. I am engaged to Mr. Barney. We do not care. We live once! She kisses him in turn. Ted: No, it's not good! Damn, you're in the working group! End flashback Ted: Is there anything else you want to tell me? Marshall: When you played third base for the softball team GNB. Barney: There is no softball team. We just rented a field, a bunch of guys together so they make you a hero. Ted: My lap of honor was bogus? Marshall: Sorry, we knew you'd be unemployed soon. We wanted you to feel good. Friends do that. Ted: Lying? Marshall: Sometimes, yes, to protect them. Ted: False! Never lie to his friends. I should never have lied. Barney: Really? And this open mic night at the Comedy Club? Flashback Marshall is on stage, microphone in hand. Marshall: You're like me, people? Have you ever considered the amount of fish species? And... the name of these fish?Here are a few. "Trout. "Right? "Sturgeon. "I think so buddy."Salmon. "I'll say it again... Salmon. Who thought it was a good idea? "Bar. "This guy is what I mean. "Halibut. "Thank you, good evening. How do I? Ted: Super. Very funny. Barney: Fatal... Thursday evening for everyone. End flashback Marshall: Timeout. You do not like fish? Ted: It was horrible! You've just read a list of fish. Marshall: Whatever... This proves my point. You lied to me to protect me. Ted: It has nothing to do! I lost one month of my life to work on a dead project. I could have spent that time to find new contracts. Instead, I'll go tomorrow morning and probably get fired. Best Screenplay, my boss yelling at me going in front of everyone. Ted part. Robin: For me, it's called a... Lily: A Totem of Saskatoon. It's here. [SCENE_BREAK] Marshall and Barney enters Ted's apartment. Ted: Hello, lying bastards. No lies before I go to work to get fired? Barney: Nice shirt. Ted: You're the devil. Marshall: What if we told you that you found another project to GNB, where you have to redo part of the 20th floor. Ted: If it's a lie, it's really bad. And I will do what? Ted, Barney and Marshall are the GNB, in a room. Barney: This is the P.T.E. 18th floor. Basically, Bilson wants a piece like that, two floors above us. Ted: Wait, what is a P.T.E.? Barney: Room for Transitional Employees. Ted: What does that mean? Barney: It's a place where a manager and an employee initiate a transfer of knowledge about an impending career change. Marshall: It turns people here. Ted: It's horrible. Why have a special room to turn people? Marshall: GNB think we need a safe place to meet new. Barney: It's serious there. Flashback Barney is in P.T.E. with a man. The man throws himself on Barney. Then a woman does the same. Another man in the room with Barney and out, pressing his hand, then grabs a chair and breaks it on Barney. Another time, he emerged from under the table with a woman, they sit at the table and she attacks him. End flashback Ted (2030): Reluctantly, I agreed to design a room where people turn. But I was determined to put my key. Ted presents his project. Ted: Leaving space dismissal, you get into what I call "the Renaissance Corridor Quiet." Here, an oval room of rest with psychological support. Right there, after the fountain of the New Departure. And here it is. Instead of a sad and gloomy cell, a protective womb... giving birth to a new life. Bilson: I love. Barney: Really? Bilson: Good job, Ted. Ted: Thank you. Bilson: You can add these keys to the PTE the 18th floor? Ted: Absolutely. Bilson: Awesome. 'll See about that. Bilson followed Ted will see the room from the 18th floor. Ted: OK, I think this wall... Bilson: You're fired! Ted: What? Bilson: I wanted this piece! This same room, two floors up! Ted: But... Bilson: You're fired! Away from here. (His phone rings and Ted lot) Hi, honey. Ted comes back in the room and takes a chair that breaks on Bilson, who is on the phone. Back at the bar... Lily: Anyone of Rush, a Meat Pie from Montreal and a lunchbox superhero. Robin: No. Lily: Rick Moranis, the Reverse Rich Moranis, of Jewish antiquities. I give up. It's been three days that I seek. I stop. If that means I could ever be. Robin: Well. Lily: Tell us about it! Robin: You really want to know? Marshall, Lily and Barney: Yes! Robin: But this info does not leave the table. Lily: My God. I am so excited. (Robin passes him a paper) I will read. Barney: Read it. Marshall: Read it. Lily: I will read it. Let's go. "The Frozen Snowshoe," "Old King Clancy", "The Plateaux of Harvey." Robin: So? Lily: I do not understand any of these words. Barney: One of them is supposed to be famous? Marshall: Who the hell... The Old King Clancy is? Robin: This is not the person is the sexual act. It's like the Sacramento Turtleneck, but with maple syrup. Marshall: And fame, this is Harvey Léplateaux? Robin: No, it's the collection. Harvey trays. These orange trays they give you when you eat at Harvey. Restaurants? Will you take a trip on the Trans-Canada Highway, you have a hollow between Milverton and Wawa, where you stop eating, eh? At Harvey. More than 12,000 customers! Lily: So fame was... Robin: The Frozen Snowshoe. Oh, my God! You know Racket jelly? This is the most famous pro wrestler of Canada. I met him after his victory over Rick "The Daredevil" at the Rogers Memorial Arena in Kamloops in 2002. A classic. Lily: So you say you Racket Jelly invited him home to show you trays of Harvey, and you've asked him to do an Old King Clancy? Robin: Right. And I'm serious, do not tell anyone. Lily: My hiccups are gone. Perhaps forever. Barney: You again. You even found a way to spoil it. Why?Why let yourself do we as a country? Ted joined them. Marshall: Hey, Mister Whisper. You should not be up there to draw your super PTE? Ted: I'm more about the project. Marshall: What? Ted: Bilson fired me. Marshall: You're kidding. Lily: What does that mean for your company? You're going to be fired? Ted: Actually, I just resign. Marshall: Why? Ted: I can not work for large corporations with no heart. In selling me your "working group", I was the most inspired work of my career. In fact, you reminded me how my job could be fun when I'm not dealing with Bilson, so... I resigned. Barney: They've turned, eh? Ted: Yes, sir. But I have good benefits and I have made a great decision. I'll start my own box. Lily: It's exciting. Barney: With this economy? Marshall: So, do we want it? Ted: Ultimately, I am grateful. Barney: What was it with Bilson? Ted: After he proposed a career change, I made an impromptu presentation with a four-step approach that put him in the knee. Barney: You've hit with a chair? Ted: Yeah. Barney: Well done. British Columbia 2002, shows a man Robin trays. Man: That one, I got to the restaurant between Milverton and Wawa. Robin: It's very impressive, The Frozen Snowshoe. Man: We're friends. Call me "racket". Sit down. Robin: So... Snowshoeing Would you like me... Old King Clancy one? Snowshoeing: You should go.

Plan: A: Goliath National Bank; Q: What is the name of the bank that cancels plans to build their new headquarters? A: Ted; Q: Who was hired to design the new Goliath National Bank headquarters? A: Marshall; Q: Who helps Barney concoct a lie? Summary: When Goliath National Bank cancels plans to build their new headquarters that Ted was hired to design, Barney and Marshall concoct an elaborate lie to keep Ted from knowing he is out of a job.

[Scene: A club. It is packed with men and women dancing and having a good time. Piper walks through the crowd and catches Leo dancing.] Piper: What are you doing? Leo: DJ's really good, huh? Piper: Yeah, too bad she's not really good at P3. Leo: Right, sorry. Piper: Focus. We are here on business not pleasure. Leo: Okay, I know, I know. But don't you think you're overreacting just a little bit? Piper: No, I don't. This club has become the hottest thing in town and I'd like to know what they're doing that I'm not. Leo: P3's still doing great. Piper: Not as great as it used to be thanks to me. Leo: Okay, well, Piper, you're having a baby, your priorities have changed. Piper: Yeah, well, haven't you heard? Women can have careers and babies now, it's been in all the papers. Leo: Well, are those women trying to save the world from demons too? (Piper spots two people making out on a couch.) Piper: Ugh. Oh, for god's sakes, people, get a room. (They stop kissing. It's Paige.) Paige: Piper. (She stands up.) Piper: Paige? What are you doing here? Paige: Well, you know, just hanging out. Piper: You couldn't hang out at our club? Guy: What, and miss this DJ? Come on. Paige: Uh, this is my other sister, Piper and her husband Leo. This is Dave. Leo: Nice to meet you. (Leo and Dave shake hands.) Dave: Yeah, you too, mate. Thanks. Piper: I didn't know there was a Dave. Paige: Oh, we've only been hanging out for like three weeks. Piper: Weeks? (Phoebe comes up to Paige and hands her a drink.) Phoebe: Here you go. (She spots Piper.) Oh, hi, Piper. Hey, hey, wow, you're up late. What are you doing here? Piper: Right back at ya. Leo: Dave, how about I buy you a drink. Phoebe: Yeah. Dave: I've got one, thanks. Leo: That's not gonna be enough. (Leo and Dave walk away.) Piper: Thought you said you were working tonight. Phoebe: Yeah, well, I mean, I'm actually working here, you know, I thought that guys could help me with my advice to other guys, you know. And that-that guy over there with the dimples... Hi! Yeah, huge help. Piper: Well, see, yeah, I don't know what bugs me more. The fact that you guys are here or that you're here without me. Paige: Well, we just didn't think it would be good for the baby, you know, all the noise and the people. Piper: Yeah, I know, but sometimes it's good for the mummy to get out. Paige: Okay, so you would've wanted to come? Piper: No. But that is beside the point. Paige: You're a very confusing woman. Piper: It's alright, hey, it's no big deal. You guys, I'll see you at home. (She walks away.) Phoebe: Oh, Piper. Paige: Still think this is a good idea? Phoebe: Well, you know Piper. She won't slow down unless someone slows her down. I just don't want to do anything to add to her stress. [Scene: Outside a building. It's dark. A boy is there drawing on a notepad. A demon appears.] Demon: You seem stressed. Boy: Arnon, you scared me. Arnon: What are you doing out here? Boy: Door's locked so I thought I'd practise drawing while I waited. Arnon: Good. Boy: Not really. I don't know, I just can't seem to make it work. I've done everything you've said, tried to focus. Arnon: Then you're not trying hard enough. You have a special gift, Kevin, a very special gift. If you're to master it, you have to believe in it fully. You draw to see it better but it'll never be real, not unless you make it real in your mind's eye. Make it real, Kevin. Make it come to life. (Kevin completes his drawing and stares at it. A tiger appears near by.) Kevin: Oh my god, it worked! (The tiger growls.) Okay, how do we make it go away? (Arnon rips the page out of the book and tears it in half. The tiger disappears.) Arnon: Now, it's time to make that hero of yours real too, to take care of your little problem. And then, take care of mine. Opening Credits [Scene: A dark alley. Kevin turns a corner and a guy walks up to him.] Guy: What are you doing here, fool? Kevin: I'm just trying to get home, Caz. Caz: Listen! (He pushes Kevin. Two other guys stand behind Kevin.) We've had this conversation. This is where I do my business. Alright, and I don't like getting bothered. (Kevin looks at the guys behind him.) Guy #2: Turn around. Caz: It's gonna cost you. (He grabs Kevin's bag.) Kevin: Hey! (He pulls out his drawing book and looks at a drawing.) Caz: What is this? Is this me? Getting my ass kicked by you? (He hits Kevin across the face and Kevin falls to the ground. Caz throws the book at Kevin.) Catch ya next time, little man. (They walk away. The wind blows the book open. Kevin smiles at a drawing of a superhero.) [Cut to an office. Caz and a guy is there. The place is trashed. Caz picks up a bag of stuff.] Caz: Alright, that's enough, let's get outta here. (They start to leave and they see a superhero standing near the door. He is covered in black leather and wearing a black mask across his eyes.) What is this, Halloween? Who the hell are you, fool? Superhero: I'm the Aggressor. Caz: The Aggressor? Whoever you are you just made a serious mistake. (The guy gets out a knife and attacks the Aggressor. The Aggressor moves behind the guy in the blink of an eye.) Aggressor: Behind you. (He grabs the guy and throws him across the room. Caz gets out a gun and shoots at the Aggressor. The Aggressor deflects the bullets with his hand and they hit Caz. The Aggressor leaves in the blink of an eye.) [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper is there making a huge sandwich. Paige walks in through the back door.] Paige: Morning. Piper: Morning. Did you just get home? Paige: Yeah. (She notices Piper's sandwich.) Oh my god. Pickles and hot fudge sauce and mustard, are you seriously eating that? Piper: That was the plan. Wait a minute, you didn't come home all night? Paige: No, mum. Why? Piper: I must be going nuts 'cause I could've sworn I saw you when I walked past your room. Paige: Was it about 2:30? Was I half naked? Piper: Paige, what's going on? Paige: Nothing, I don't wanna bother you. (She sits at the table.) Piper: You're not bothering me. Why does everybody think they're bothering me all of a sudden? I'm not bothered. What's the matter? Paige: Well, I was sorta messing around with Dave and... Piper: Messing around? Paige: Yeah. Having s*x. Piper: Oh. Paige: See, this is why I don't want to talk to you about this. It's weird talking to a pregnant lady about s*x anyway. Piper: Well, uh, Paige, how do you think I got pregnant? Paige: Err, I don't wanna know that either. Anyway, so we were doing, you know, and I was about to, you know, and suddenly I orbed out upstairs. Piper: Oh my god, you didn't? Did he notice? Paige: No, thank god, I orbed back in before the lights came back on. Talk about embarrassing. Piper: Forget embarrassing. Paige, you could've had some serious explaining to do. Paige: Well, I didn't plan on orbing out, Piper, it wasn't exactly my particular goal at the moment. Piper: Okay, so why do you think this is happening? I mean, is he not getting the job done? Paige: No, he's getting the job done fine. I think I like him a lot and other than Glen, he's been the first guy I've been with since I found out I was a witch and I think I'm so busy protecting this big old secret of ours that I can't really let my guard down. How'd you do it? Piper: Marry an angel. (They hear a crash and Leo groaning in another room.) Leo? [Cut to the conservatory. Leo and an Elder are on the floor. Looks like Leo orbed onto a coffee table. They get up.] Leo: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, are you alright? Elder: Been orbing long have we? Leo: Hey, I'm a little nervous. (Piper and Paige walk in.) Piper: Leo, what happened? We heard a crash. Elder: He missed. Piper: Uh, who's the critic? Leo: This is Ramus, he's an Elder. Piper: An Elder? Really? Paige: I thought you told us he wasn't coming til tonight? Piper: Told us? Nobody told me anything. Leo? Leo: Well, we didn't want you to worry about demonic threats until it was absolutely necessary. Piper: What threats? Ramus: Well, I suppose this will have to do. (He walks across the room.) Piper: Okay, uh, what are you two up to? Paige: It was Phoebe's idea. Leo: Uh, we were just trying to make things a little easier, that's all, relieve some stress. Piper: Well, stop it, 'cause it's pissing me off, I'm pregnant not terminal. So what, what is he doing here? Leo: Uh, Ramus is retiring. He came down to pass on his powers to a new Elder. Piper: So... Leo: So? There isn't a demon alive who wouldn't love to have his powers. So the Elders want you to protect him in case there's an attack. Paige: Why can't he just orb out? Ramus: Because my powers are mental, young lady, not physical. You'd think a charge of yours would know something as basic as that. (Ramus walks around the room.) Paige: Nothing wrong with his hearing. Piper: No, just his attitude. Leo: Piper! Piper: What? Leo: A little respect. Piper: Ugh, for crying out loud. So who is this new Elder and when does he get here? Ramus: We don't know who he is. All I know is that the transfer must take place during tonight's equinox or else I will lose my powers forever. Piper: So we're just supposed to sit around here and wait? Ramus: Yes. Unfortunately. [Scene: An abandoned building. There are parts of aeroplanes scattered around the place. Kevin walks in.] Kevin: Arnon? (Arnon appears in a chair.) Arnon: I was getting worried about you, Kevin. Kevin: Arnon, you scared me. Arnon: Sorry. Where's the Aggressor? Kevin: He's, he's gone. I ripped up the drawing. Arnon: You what? Kevin: He killed a guy. Arnon, he killed Kaz. Arnon: Isn't that why you wanted me to help you create your superhero in the first place? Kevin: No, not to kill. I never wanted that. Arnon: He was a bad guy, wasn't he? Just like Ramus is. Kevin: I'm not drawing him again. Arnon, I'm sorry. Arnon: We had a deal. I help you, you help me, remember? Now, I need the Aggressor to take out Ramus. To rid him of his powers. Kevin: Why can't you just take him out yourself? Arnon: I told you. I only have the ability to sense great powers, not possess them. That's how I found you, that's how I'll find Ramus. Now, help me do the right thing, Kevin. Bring your superhero back to life, before somebody else loses theirs. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe's office. Phoebe's there working on her laptop. Her assistant walks in with a box full of letters.] Phoebe: Those are all life and death? Assistant: Well, not literally. At least, not most of them. Phoebe: What am I supposed to do? I can't keep up, they just keep coming. Assistant: What can you do? Answer two or three a day and ignore the rest. You can't help everybody. Phoebe: Yeah, that's the problem. (The phone rings.) I got it, thanks. (The assistant leaves.) Phoebe Halliwell. Piper: So what do you say to an over bearing younger sister who's treating her pregnant older sister like a porcelain doll? Phoebe: Thank you? Piper: How about knock it off. Phoebe: That's probably better advice. Are you mad at me? Piper: No, not if you come home and baby sit Ramus. Phoebe: Oh, sweetie, I can't. I've got a gazillion letters that I have to get to. Piper: Well, Bored in Berkley can wait. I've got DJ's to audition. Phoebe: No, believe me, these are a lot more serious than that. And you're not supposed to be going to work anyway. Piper: Phoebe. Phoebe: I'm sorry, can't I worry about my niece? Okay, look, what about Paige? Can't she come? Piper: Apparently not. She's with Dave trying desperately not to orb. Phoebe: Oh, for goodness sakes. Okay, well, what about, um... (Cole stands at the doorway. He clears his throat.) Cole. Piper: Cole, watching an Elder? I really don't think that's a good idea. Phoebe: No, b... p... you... Okay, I'll be home as soon as I can, okay? (Phoebe hangs up.) Cole: Phoebe. Phoebe: Whatever it is, I don't have time. Cole: No, you don't understand, this isn't about us. I need your help. Phoebe: Yeah, who doesn't? Cole: Have you ever heard of Edward Miller, the slumlord? He took millions from the city and renovation money but instead of fixing up the building he's trying to kick the tenants out. Phoebe: Well, how is he able to do that? Cole: I don't know but that's why I'm trying to get an injunction to stop him. Phoebe: Oh, really? You? What's with all the red tape? Why don't you just turn him into a fountain pen? Cole: Believe me, I'm tempted but, um, I've decided I'm not gonna use my powers no matter what. Phoebe: Since when? Cole: Since I tried to strangle you with them. (Phoebe grabs her coat and bag and leaves her office.) Phoebe: (to her assistant) I'll be working from home for the rest of the day. Cole: Phoebe, listen to me. This is legitimate. These people are going to be evicted tonight and I can't get an injunction until tomorrow. I mean, if you could just threaten to expose him in your paper or maybe even link it to a TV station. Phoebe: Cole, I don't have enough time to help my readers with their problems right now. Cole: But we're talking about whole families here. Kids, babies, with nowhere to go. Phoebe: Look, I think it's great that you wanna help, I really do. But I can't. I am powerless to do anything right now. Cole: You may be a lot of things but powerless isn't one of them. (Cole walks away.) Assistant: Was he talking about Edward Miller, the slumlord? (Phoebe nods.) Actually, you did get some letters from some of his tenants. Phoebe: Really? I haven't seen them. Assistant: No, you haven't gotten to them. [Scene: Dave's apartment. Paige and Dave are lying in bed.] Dave: Did you? Paige: No. Dave: Didn't think so. Paige: It's not you, Dave. Trust me, it's me. Dave: You keep saying that, Paige, but what does that mean? Paige: It's complicated. Dave: Well, you're in luck. 'Cause I happen to specialise in complicated. Come on, talk to me, you won't scare me away. Paige: Promise? Dave: Mm-hm. Paige: It's just that I'm really different than other girls. Dave: I know, that's what I like about you. Paige: No, I mean, really different, more than you could possibly imagine. Dave: Okay. Paige: So you're alright with that? Dave: Alright with what? Paige: Forget it. Dave: Forget what? Paige: Look, I'm not a freak, it's not like I have a tail or something. Dave: Paige, I don't know what you're talking about. Paige: Just forget I said anything. Dave: But you didn't say anything. Paige: You know, I think I got closer that time. You wanna try again? (They kiss.) [Scene: Manor. Parlor. Ramus is meditating in mid-air. He has a blue light surrounding him.] Piper: Leo? (Piper walks in.) Leo! (Ramus falls to the floor.) What are you doing? Ramus: Would you mind? My meditation requires peace and quiet. Piper: Well, then you're in the wrong house, pal. Have you seen my husband? Ramus: He's upstairs. Piper: Okay, could you tell him that I'll be at P3. He can watch over you until Phoebe shows up. Ramus: I'll tell him no such thing. It is your job to protect me, not his. Those are the rules. Piper: Hm. Well, history lesson. I'm not a big fan of your rules, in fact I take pride in breaking them. Ramus: I know, you've been a real pain over the years. Piper: Oh, you mean marrying Leo? Yes, I know you Elders were dead set against that. Ramus: Not all of us. Some of us foresaw the special baby you'd be carrying. Piper: Still, that doesn't... What do you mean special? (Phoebe walks in through the front door.) Phoebe: Hi! Piper: Wait, what do you mean? Phoebe: Oh, don't get excited, I can't stay long. Ramus: (to Piper) You'll see. (Phoebe rushes over to Piper and Ramus.) Phoebe: (to Ramus) Hi, wow. (She shakes his hand.) It is an honour and a pleasure to meet an Elder... sir... really... wow. Okay, but I've gotta go. I'm sorry, but if I don't stop that dirt bag landlord... Ramus: Oh. Piper: What's the matter? Ramus: Someone's coming... for me. (The Aggressor appears in a blink of an eye.) Aggressor: Ramus. Ramus: Hurry, freeze him. (Piper freezes him but he fights through it. He heads for Ramus and Phoebe pushes him out of the way.) Phoebe: Paige! (Paige orbs in, half naked.) Paige: Damn it, I was so close. Aggressor: I don't wanna hurt you, I just want him. Phoebe: Yeah, well, forget about it. (Phoebe goes to kick him and he grabs her leg and pushes her across the room. Leo runs down the stairs.) Leo: Ramus! (He dives on Ramus and orbs out with him. The Aggressor leaves in a blink of an eye.) Phoebe: Who was that masked man? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper, Phoebe and Paige walk in. Paige is now wearing a dressing gown.] Paige: Okay, we should look under... actually I have no idea what to look under. Piper: Well, he had a great big giant A on his chest, how about A? Phoebe: I'm telling you, you are not gonna find him in the Book of Shadows. At a comic book convention, maybe. (Paige starts flipping through the Book of Shadows.) Paige: He could still be a demon. Phoebe: Paige, he was in tights. (Leo orbs in.) Leo: Ramus is safe for now but he can't stay up there for long or else he will miss the equinox. Phoebe: Oh, can't he just wait for the next one. Leo: No, he can't otherwise he will miss his chance to pass on his powers to his successor. Phoebe: But tonight's my only night to help the families being evicted, otherwise they'll be on the streets. Piper: Uh, Phoebe, I think super villains trump slumlords. Leo: Uh, Paige, where did you orb in from? (Paige covers herself with her gown.) Paige: I was dealing with some personal problems. Leo: Well, I'm your Whitelighter, so if you ever wanna talk... Piper/Paige: No! Phoebe: Can we please just concentrate on the comic book guy. Piper: Well, comic books wouldn't be a bad place to start. Remember the demon of illusion? Paige: No. Leo: He was before you. He literally hid in movies. Piper: So this guy could be hiding in comics or coming out of them somehow. Paige: So we need to check comic book stores? Phoebe: Oh, that's gonna take forever. Paige: Alright, you just go deal with your slumlord, I'll catch up with you later. Phoebe: No, it's okay, we should do it together. Paige: No, if I see some dude in tights, I'll just orb out. Phoebe: Paige, it's dangerous, you shouldn't do it alone. Piper: Well, guess what? She won't have to. Remember me? The invisible woman. Now you two have got to cut this crap out now. (to Paige) Come on, let's go get you into something less comfortable. (Piper and Paige leave the attic.) [Scene: An abandoned building. Arnon and Kevin are there. Kevin's neck is glowing. He is in pain.] Arnon: How could the Aggressor fail? You told me you drew him invisible. The equinox comes around once in a lifetime. I don't plan on spending the rest of that life sensing power. I want power, Ramus's power. Kevin: I tried. Arnon: Not hard enough. (Arnon releases the light on Kevin's neck. Kevin coughs.) You'll draw a new Aggressor. Stronger. One that can handle the witches when Ramus returns. Kevin: What if I turn the Aggressor onto you? Arnon: I'd kill you before you could try. And then I'd kill the rest of the people in your life who still care about you. I may not have much power, but I have enough to do that. Now, draw. (Arnon walks away. Kevin starts to draw a woman on the page that looks like Phoebe.) [Scene: The slumlord's building. Phoebe walks in. The tenants are leaving their apartments. Phoebe walks up to a man in a suit.] Phoebe: Uh, Edward Miller? Edward: Yeah. Phoebe: Phoebe Halliwell, Bay Mirror. I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions. Edward: No, I don't think so. (Edward walks off. Phoebe follows.) Phoebe: Okay, so how does it feel to be the most hated man in the city? Edward: Excuse me? Phoebe: Well, at least not until tomorrow (he stops walking) when the morning edition comes out and everyone reads that your forcing innocent families out on the streets. Edward: You print that, lady, and I'll sue you for liable. Phoebe: Ooh, now I'm a little rusty on my law but how could it be liable when actually it's the truth? Edward: Get outta my way. (He pushes her aside and walks off.) Phoebe: Hey! (She follows him.) Look, you can run but you can not hide, Mister! My newspaper's gonna do a huge expose on this. You won't get away with it! Edward: I already have. (Suddenly, Phoebe changes into a superhero, dressed in a tight red and black top and tight red and black shorts, black knee-high boots and a black mask.) [Cut to Kevin. He has drawn Piper, Phoebe and Paige as superheroes.] [Cut to a comic book store. Piper and Paige walk outside.] Piper: Well, we have a few more stores to check out. Maybe we'll still find something. Paige: Yeah, more lonely superheroes who have to hide their true identities. Which does not bode well for my love life. Piper: Paige, let me ask you a question. Are you gonna marry Dave? Paige: No, I just met him. Piper: Well, then relax and worry about it when you've gotta worry about it. (Suddenly, Piper and Paige change into superheroes. Piper is wearing silver and black long pants with a silver and black top and black mask. Paige is wearing a short black skirt with a pink and black top, black knee-high boots and a black mask. They jump onto the roof top in a blink of an eye.) Oo-kay, what just happened here? Paige: Uh, see I was kinda hoping you could tell me. Woman's Voice: Help! Somebody help me! [Cut to a car park. A man is pulling a woman out of the car by her hair. He throws her to the ground. Piper and Paige arrive. The man points a gun at the woman.] Piper: Hey! (The man shoots at Piper and Piper catches the bullet.) Not exactly what I had in mind but it'll do. (The man starts to run away but Piper runs in front of him in a blink of an eye.) Hi, how's it going? (Piper throws the man into a dumpster. Paige goes up to the woman.) Paige: Are you alright? Woman: Who are you people? Where did you come from? (Piper and Paige help her up.) Piper: Well, that's a mighty good question, lady. [Cut to a building roof top. Superhero Phoebe is holding Edward by his ankles over the edge. Edward is panicking.] Edward: They don't have to move. They can stay for a year. Ten years! Phoebe: What about the cockroaches? Are you gonna do something about the cockroaches? Edward: First thing tomorrow. Just please don't drop me. Please. (Cole appears.) Cole: Uh, Phoebe? Phoebe: Cole! (She lets go of one ankle.) What are you doing here? Cole: Well, I got a call from one of the tenants saying that, uh, Wonder Woman was terrorising the landlord. (He looks over the edge.) What the hell are you doing? Phoebe: Well, I'm teaching my buddy here how important it is to be a better person. (to Edward) Are you a better person yet? Edward: I'm slipping! Phoebe: Oh, no, you're not slipping. (She nearly drops him.) That's slipping. (Cole laughs.) Cole: Honey... Phoebe: Don't call me honey anymore. Cole: I don't know what's going on here but this is not you. Literally. Phoebe: Are you kidding? This is better than me. This is new and improved me. Now not only can I help my readers, but I can help the entire city. Cole: Careful, he's got ears. Phoebe: Oh, please, relax. The only thing he can hear right now is the blood rushing to his brain. (She pulls him up and he falls to the ground.) One more slip up, Edward, and we'll end up right back up here. (Edward runs away.) Cole: Phoebe, are you outta your mind? What if somebody sees you? Phoebe: That's why we wear masks. Cole: We? Phoebe: Yeah, superheroes. Okay, Cole, I gotta go 'cause I have a lot of loyal readers that need my help, okay. Cole: Okay. (Phoebe zips across from building to building.) Phoebe: Whoo! [Cut to downstairs. Edward walks up to a security guard.] Edward: I want you to find out everything you can about Cole Turner's wife. Security Guard: His wife? Why? Edward: Just do it. [Cut to the manor. Parlor. Piper and Paige zip in.] Paige: Ah, head rush. Let's do it again. Piper: No, what if somebody sees us? Paige: Sees us? We're blurs. Besides, who cares? (Phoebe zips in.) Phoebe: Okay, give me a sec while my organs catch up. Paige: Nice outfit. Phoebe: Back atcha, sis. Piper: Yeah, okay, but where did we get them? Phoebe: I don't know and I don't care. All I know is I'm on a role. I have helped so many readers... (she takes off her mask) today... Piper: What? Phoebe: I don't know but suddenly I don't feel so good about this. It's like the masks are clouding our judgement making us feel like we're invincible. (Piper takes off her mask.) See? Piper: Yeah, unfortunately. (Paige takes her mask off.) Paige: I don't like it, I'm putting it back on. (She puts her mask back on.) Phoebe: No, Paige, we need to think clearly so we can figure out who did this... (The Aggressor zips in and knocks Phoebe across the room. Piper rushes over to her.) Piper: Phoebe! (The Aggressor tries to hit Paige but she dodges really quickly. He ends up putting his fist through the wall. Paige punches him in the face. Piper kicks him and he lands in the foyer. He gets back up and heads for Piper. Phoebe gets up and punches him several times in the stomach, then throws him into the conservatory. He lands on a table and gets a piece of wood stuck through his chest. The girls run in.) Aggressor: Thank you. (The Aggressor changes into Kevin.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Leo are there. Leo is crouched beside Kevin.] Paige: What are you waiting for? Leo: How do we know if we heal him he's not gonna try kill you guys again? Piper: Leo, he's a kid. Phoebe: Plus, killers don't usually thank you for killing them. Leo: He thanked you? Paige: Just hurry up. (Leo heals Kevin. Kevin wakes up.) Kevin: What happened? Piper: Before or after your alter ego tried to kill us. Leo: Come on. (Leo helps Kevin up.) Phoebe: What's your name? Kevin: Kevin. Piper: Well, Kevin, you have some explaining to do. Are you responsible for these outfits? (Kevin nods.) Kevin: I was hoping to be able to stop the Aggressor. Paige: The Aggressor? Don't you mean you? Kevin: Yeah. Phoebe: We were gonna kill you, we almost did. Leo: Is that what you wanted? Kevin: I didn't know what else to do. I didn't want to hurt anyone else. And then after our first battle, I thought maybe if I drew you with more powers... Piper: Hang on a second, Mister, what do you mean you drew us? Kevin: I've always been able to imagine things and then make them come to life through my drawings. Like you guys, the protectors. I never told anybody about what I could do. I knew it would freak people out. Hey, it freaked me out at first. Leo: Thought projection, a very rare power, means he's a witch too. Phoebe: Why'd you make yourself a superhero? Kevin: Because I got tired getting beaten up all the time. And Arnon came along a said he'd teach me to focus my power. Paige: Arnon, who's that? Kevin: Somebody I wished I never met. He used me to get to Ramus. Said that he was a bad guy, that we had to stop him. But all Arnon wanted were his powers. (The Elders call Leo.) Leo: The Elders, they want me to bring Ramus back down. Piper: No, you can't. Not until we figure out a way to stop Arnon. Leo: Well, I don't have a choice, the equinox is starting. Piper: He'll kill Ramus. Paige: He can't, not without the Aggressor. Piper: We can't know that for sure. You have to wait until we find him. Phoebe: Yeah, but how? Kevin: I know how. Arnon doesn't know the Aggressor failed yet. So all I have to do is follow him back to his hideout. Paige: No, that is too dangerous. Kevin: I won't be in danger, not with you guys there. With all your super powers and your super hearing, you'll easily be able to over power him, trust me. After all, I drew you, didn't I. Paige: Okay, but you have to do exactly what we say. Kevin: Promise. [Scene: Outside Arnon's hideout. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Kevin peek around the corner.] Paige: Is this it? Kevin: Yeah, through that door. Piper: Do you hear anything inside? Paige: Rats, dripping water, cockroaches, may as well be my old apartment. Don't hear any Arnon though. [Cut to the manor. Conservatory. Leo orbs in with Ramus.] Ramus: Well, at least you didn't break anything this time. Leo: Actually, I think we'd be safer upstairs. Ramus: No, here is fine. Leo: With all the doors, if anybody attacks... Ramus: Anybody who attacks doesn't need doors, Leo. Relax. (Ramus sits down.) There's nothing either of us can do to change what's meant to be. Leo: What is that supposed to mean? What aren't you telling me? Ramus: Actually, quite a bit. (He chuckles.) Look, Leo, you know as well as I do that there is a reason for everything which means that there is a reason for here, for now. Leo: Well, how the hell am I supposed to protect you if I don't know what the hell is going on? Sorry. Ramus: No, no, I like that. You could stand to be a little tougher sometimes. Just because you're an angel doesn't mean you can't kick some ass now and again. (Leo sits down.) Leo, my fate is sealed, win or lose, I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Which means that there is nothing more either of us can do to change that. But there is however perhaps something I can do for you. Leo: What do you mean? Ramus: I am an Elder and I can foresee the future enough of it anyway to give you a glimpse. If you're interested. Leo: Isn't that against the rules? Ramus: I'm retiring, what do I care? You can ask me one question and one question only. (Leo thinks for a moment.) Leo: Will, uh, will our baby be healthy? Ramus: Yes, very healthy. And more powerful than you can even imagine. [Cut to outside Arnon's hideout.] Phoebe: Okay, listen, you're gonna go in there and summon him, okay, but when he comes call for us and we'll get you out of there in a flash. Paige: The slightest peep, I'll hear it. Kevin: Okay. Piper: You don't have to do this, you know. Kevin: No, I want to. (Kevin heads for the door. An aeroplane flies above and Paige covers her ears.) Phoebe: Are you okay? Paige: Uh. (Kevin walks inside the building. Edward is watching with a video camera near by from inside his car.) [Cut to inside the building.] Kevin: Arnon? Arnon? Arnon, it's me, K... (Arnon comes up behind Kevin and puts his hand on his shoulder.) Arnon: You betrayed me. (He holds up the drawing of superhero Piper, Phoebe and Paige.) Now that I know you can draw powers for others, you can draw some for me. [Cut to outside.] Paige: Stupid planes, all I hear is ringing in my ears. Piper: Okay, forget it, we've gotta get him out of there. (They zip inside and Edward catches it with the video camera.) [Cut to inside the building. Kevin is unconscious on the floor.] Piper: Kevin, wake up, come on. (Paige picks up a drawing of another superhero.) Paige: What is this? Phoebe: Another Aggressor? (The Aggressor zips in.) Aggressor: That's right. (He rips the drawing of the superhero Piper, Phoebe and Paige in half and the girls return to their normal clothes.) Piper: Uh-oh. (The Aggressor throws them through a wooden wall.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Outside Arnon's hideout. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are on the ground.] Piper: Ouch. Paige: Everybody still alive? Piper: I'm not sure yet. Phoebe: Oh, no complaining. You're the one that didn't want to get pampered, remember? Piper: I take it back, I take it back. (They get up.) Paige: At least you have a baby that can heal you. Piper: Yeah, open wounds but apparently not aches and pains. (Kevin walks out.) Kevin: Oh, god, oh, god, I'm so sorry about this. Paige: It's okay, it's not your fault. Kevin: I didn't have a choice. Arnon threatened to kill me if I didn't. Phoebe: It doesn't matter, all that matters is that you're fine. Kevin: For now until he needs me to draw even more powers. Paige: He won't need anymore powers if he gets to Ramus before we do. Phoebe: Okay, so how do we stop him? We're not superheroes anymore. Kevin: I can make you superheroes again. Piper: No, that'll take too long, he'll have Ramus by then. Paige: So how do we stop him? Piper: As super witches. Kevin: But you couldn't stop my superhero as witches, how are you gonna stop Arnon? Piper: Okay, so we'll rip up his drawing and turn back into the wussy demon that he is. Kevin: You can't. He took the drawing with him. [Cut to the manor. Leo and Ramus are there. Leo is pacing.] Ramus: Will you just relax? You're making me nervous. Leo: Okay, well, something isn't right, I can sense it. Ramus: Leo, I've told you, you've already done your job. Now it's time to let your charges do theirs. Leo: Well, I just don't understand what's taking so long. They should be home by now. Ramus: They will be. They're just gonna be too late. Leo: You know what? I-I'm getting you outta here. Ramus: Mm. Oh, I'm afraid this is gonna hurt. (The Aggressor barges through the front door. He zips in front of Leo and punches him, sending him across the dining room table.) Aggressor: (to Ramus) Looks like getting your powers is gonna be easier than I thought. Ramus: Enjoy it while it lasts. (White lights flow out of Ramus and into the Aggressor's body. Ramus vanishes. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Kevin orb in.) Aggressor: You're too late, Ramus is dead. Piper: Leo. (She goes over to him.) Phoebe: Paige, now. Paige: Boot! (The Aggressor's boot orbs into Paige's hand. The Aggressor falls to the floor.) Kevin: Left! I meant left boot! Paige: Oh, for goodness sakes. Left boot! (The other boot orbs into Paige's hand and she pulls the drawing out of it. She tears it up and The Aggressor turns back into Arnon. He stands up.) Phoebe: Yeah, don't you just hate it when that happens? Paige: Fortunately, since you have Ramus's powers, you should be able to foresee what's gonna happen next. (Piper walks over to Arnon.) Piper: It's gonna hurt isn't it? (Piper blows up Arnon and Ramus's powers leave him.) Paige: What the hell is that? (The powers enter Kevin's body.) Kevin: What, what just happened? Phoebe: Looks like Ramus was able to pass his powers onto the new Elder after all. Paige: An Elder? He's only thirteen. Leo: Elders are like kings. They can be any age. Kevin: I-I don't understand. What does this mean? Piper: Well, for one thing, it means that nobody's gonna be pushing you around anymore. [Scene: Outside Cole's office. Cole locks the door and starts walking down the hallway. Edward comes around the corner holding a videotape.] Edward: You Turner? Cole: Yeah, who are you? Edward: Edward Miller, but you can call me Ed. Cole: I've got nothing to say to you. (Cole walks off and Edward follows.) Edward: Yeah, well, I got something to say to you. As well as the little missus. (Cole stops.) You know, there's just a very certain special way that married people talk to each other. Very distinctive to the ear. Even when you're hanging upside down. (Cole walks into an elevator.) Cole: I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about. Edward: Really? Well, uh, maybe this will jog your memory. (He holds up the videotape.) Maybe we should go talk somewhere a little more private, huh? [Scene: P3. Paige and Dave are walking through the crowd. They approach Piper and Leo who are sitting on a couch, kissing.] Paige: Ooh, looks like someone needs to get a room. Piper: Cute, very cute. Leo: How's it going, Dave. (Dave shakes his hand.) Dave: Never better, mate, never better. Piper: Oh, really? How about you guys go get us girls some drinks. Dave: Sparkling or still? Paige: Sparkling of course. (Leo stands up.) Dave: (to Piper) Oh, by the way, congrats on the club, it's great and the DJ is wicked. Piper: Thanks. (Leo and Dave walk away. Paige sits down beside Piper.) Paige: See, it's nice to know you've still got it in you. Piper: Yeah, although I'm beginning to realise that being number one in town just isn't as important as it used to be. And neither is fighting demons for that matter. Paige: What, you don't like being a superhero? Piper: Oh, no, are you kidding, it was awesome. I mean, being a witch is still awesome. It's just that there's a new number in town. Paige: Good for you. Piper: Yeah. And apparently good for you. Since you worked through your issues with Dave I gather. Paige: Yes, I did thank god. I was just about to join a convent. Piper: Mm-hm. Must have been the pink leather, broke you down. Paige: Don't laugh, but I think it might've been. Something about leaping over tall buildings in a single bound. I guess that'll free any girl up. Piper: Yeah, and let your guard down. Paige: Yeah, I'm gonna take you advice and just, you know, relax. If he's mister right I'll tell him I fly around on broomsticks. (Phoebe walks up to them.) Phoebe: He may find out by himself. Paige: What? Phoebe: Cole just called. He said the idiot slumlord wants to meet Cole and me now. Piper: Why? Phoebe: Oh, I don't know. Something about having a tape of Cole's superhero ex-wife in action. Piper: Oh, no. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Cole's apartment. Cole and Edward are there watching the videotape.] Cole: What do you want? Edward: Well, your wife off my back for starters. Then maybe fifty grand a month. Cole: Fifty grand? Edward: Yeah. And if they don't have it, they can certainly get it. Just put on those cute little outfits. Cole: They don't have them anymore. Edward: Well, they'd better find them. I wouldn't try anything if I were you, this is just a copy. Cole: I can find the original. Edward: Oh, yeah? How? Cole: Well, I have certain powers too. But I'm trying very hard not to use them, very hard. I don't like what they do to me. Edward: Yeah, okay, whatever, pal. Guess I'll just sell this to the highest bidder. (He heads for the door.) Cole: I can't let you do that. Edward: Try and stop me. (Cole uses his power and vanquishes Edward. Phoebe walks in.) Phoebe: Is he here? Cole: Who? Phoebe: Miller. Edward Miller, you said he was coming. Cole: Oh, yeah, um, I took care of it. Phoebe: What do you mean? (She starts backing away.) What does that mean? Cole: Phoebe, he was gonna expose you. (She gets in the elevator.) What was I supposed to do? Phoebe, wait. (The elevator doors close.)

Plan: A: Kevin; Q: Who is the young witch? A: his drawings; Q: What can Kevin bring to life? A: the demon; Q: Who is looking to turn into an evil Supervillain? A: Superheroes; Q: What does the demon turn the Charmed Ones into? A: all the superpowers; Q: What is raining down upon San Francisco? Summary: Kevin is a young witch who can bring his drawings to life. When a demon learns of his powers, he turns to Kevin, looking to turn into an evil Supervillain in order to kill a retiring Elder before he names a replacement. However, before the demon gets his hands on the young witch, he works his magic on the Charmed Ones and turns them into Superheroes. With all the superpowers raining down upon San Francisco, Piper, Phoebe, and Paige have their work cut out for them after being tasked to protect the retiring Elder.

DOCTOR WHO THE ARK IN SPACE BY ROBERT HOLMES PART ONE 5:35pm - 6:00pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: EXT. SPACE (An ark in seen outside space, quite close to an unknown planet. The camera moves in closer to the ark, which wobbles as it does so. The ark starts to move, and the shot fades into a shot inside the ark.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. ARK - BODY ROOM (We see things from the point of view of something green. It sees a body in some sort of chamber; it looks like a futuristic tomb. We move in closer to the body, down and then up. As we move closer we start to see the physical features of the body and the container of the body becomes transparent. The chamber door opens.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: EXT. SPACE (We can see the ark in space again, but this time from a different angle and we cannot see the planet. The ark moves further away from us.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. ARK - SECONDARY CONTROL ROOM (The TARDIS light flashes. We move away from the TARDIS, and see some sort of white room, but we can't see much yet. The TARDIS de-materialisation noise sounds, and then stops as the light stops flashing.) DOCTOR: You're a clumsy, ham-fisted idiot! (He walks out the TARDIS, carrying a torch.) HARRY: (sincerely) I said sorry! DOCTOR: What? Come out! And don't touch anything! HARRY: I'm only trying to open the door. (He steps out, clearly amazed at where he is.) HARRY: Oh, I say! We've gone! SARAH: (nosily) Who's gone? (She also walks out, holding a candle.) HARRY: (confused) I mean, this isn't, we aren't where we were when... I've gone mad. SARAH: That's how I felt the first time! (Walks towards the DOCTOR) Where are we, Doctor? DOCTOR: (Still trying to study the place) No idea. SARAH: (Slightly annoyed at the DOCTOR) A little trip to the moon, you said, just to prove to Harry... DOCTOR: (Unsympathetic) Well I didn't expect him to start messing with the helmic regulator. (Turns to HARRY) Come away from there, Harry! HARRY: (Walking to the DOCTOR) You could sell that thing, Doctor. DOCTOR: I could WHAT? HARRY: (Trying to be helpful) Jolly useful in Trafalgar Square. (The DOCTOR walks back to TARDIS.) HARRY: Hundreds of bobbies inside. SARAH: (Slightly out of breath) Harry! Stop burbling! (The Doctor looks at them both from the TARDIS.) HARRY: What? (Starts to realise things) Sorry...shock, I suppose. I must say, I feel very strange. DOCTOR: (Walking back) Not much oxygen. Still, nothing to worry about. (He plays with his yo-yo.) SARAH: (Wondering about the DOCTOR) Suffocation is nothing to worry about (?) DOCTOR: (Firmly) We can survive for quite a time yet. SARAH: (Angry) While you play with that yo-yo?! DOCTOR: Just a simply gravity reading, Sarah. Yes, almost certainly we're in some kind of artificial satellite. Now isn't that interesting? SARAH: No, not very. DOCTOR: I think it is. SARAH: (Worried) It's dark, and it's cold and it's getting very airless. DOCTOR: All we have to do is get the power back on. (He shines his torch somewhere else, and starts to walk over to it.) DOCTOR: Let's see what's over here. SARAH: (Slightly out of breath) Might as well go for a look round, I suppose. (To HARRY) Are you coming? HARRY: We better stick with the Doctor. (The DOCTOR flicks a switch and the whole room lights up. Nearly the whole room is white We see a while desk with a futuristic white chair in the middle, and on the side hundreds of switches, all in rectangular blocks.) DOCTOR: (Happily) Yes! That's better. (HARRY looks shocked and looks up, whilst SARAH is still worried.) DOCTOR: Incredible! HARRY: I say! What's all that for? (SARAH bends down to what looks like a door, whilst HARRY walks towards the DOCTOR.) DOCTOR: I've never seen anything quite like it. (SARAH manages to open the door, which slides to the right to reveal another white room.) SARAH: (Whispers) Hey, Doctor. DOCTOR: (Ignoring SARAH) Definitely build on Earth, but I can't quite place the period. (SARAH walks into the room, ignored by the DOCTOR and HARRY who are both looking at the various switches.) SARAH: Doctor, look! DOCTOR: (Still ignoring her, now slightly annoyed) In a minute, Sarah! HARRY: None of it seems to work now, anyway! (SARAH is now increasingly annoyed by the DOCTOR and decides to just walk into the room on her own, anyway.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. ARK - MEDICAL ROOM? (SARAH walks around, trying to work out what all this is. There is a black thing that is probably a couch, another desk and chair and a few switches to the side. She walks towards a few switches.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. ARK - SECONDARY CONTROL ROOM DOCTOR: Judging by the macro-slave drive and that modified version of the Bennett oscillator (at this point HARRY looks very out of breath and is struggling to breathe), I'd say this was built in the...early 30th Century. HARRY: (Breathing heavily) Oh, no... DOCTOR: Don't you agree? HARRY: (Thinking the DOCTOR is talking rubbish) Earth 30th Century?! DOCTOR: Late 29th, early 30th, I feel sure. [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. ARK - MEDICAL ROOM? (SARAH finishes playing with some switches and walks away from them. She walks towards the doors, and finds them closed. She tries to open them, but to no avail.) SARAH: (Bangs on door) Doctor! (Bangs again) Doctor! (Struggles to breathe) There's hardly any air in here! (Constantly banging on door) Doctor! Please! [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. ARK - SECONDARY CONTROL ROOM (The DOCTOR walks around whilst HARRY sits down trying to get his head round what he's just been told.) HARRY: Doctor, I'm a simple sort of chap. Are you trying to tell me we're now in the middle of the 30th Century? DOCTOR: Good heavens, no! Well beyond that! HARRY: (Stunned, and stands up) Beyond the 30th! DOCTOR: You gave that helmic regulator quite a twist, I'm afraid. HARRY: Well, where are we? DOCTOR: (Looks around) It's difficult to say. All this stuff's obviously been here for some time - several thousand years at least. What was that? [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. ARK - MEDICAL ROOM? (SARAH leans against the door, about to collapse.) SARAH: (Bangs on door pathetically) Doctor, I can't...breathe... (Her voice gets quieter as she struggles for breathe.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. ARK - SECONDARY CONTROL ROOM DOCTOR: (Worried) Sarah? (Looks round) Where's she got to? HARRY: (Points to TARDIS) In the TARDIS? DOCTOR: Impossible. I've got the key. I've told her time an again about going off by herself. Sarah? HARRY: (Points to the door) Well, there's only one door and she...I swear she didn't get out that way. DOCTOR: (Looks behind him) Must be another exit, then. HARRY: A sort of, hidden deck hatch or something? DOCTOR: Vacuum-tight panel, more likely. They used them a lot in these early space vessels. (He walks to door) Ah! Just as I thought! HARRY: No doorknob? DOCTOR: There must be a remote control... You haven't touched anything have you, Harry? HARRY: Me? DOCTOR: (Sarcastically) Well, there are only two of us here and your name is Harry (!) HARRY: Oh...yeah...(points to switches) I did just...touch one switch. DOCTOR: (Loudly) Which switch? HARRY: Nothing happened... DOCTOR: Which switch? HARRY: (Asking himself) Which switch...? (Walks towards switches) I think it was...Oh no, perhaps it was... DOCTOR: Try to remember, Harry! HARRY: I am! It's awfully difficult! I can hardly breathe! DOCTOR: Think where you were standing. HARRY: Uh. (Points to one of the switches) It was this one. DOCTOR: Sure? HARRY: (Nods) But nothing happened. DOCTOR: Go on! Press it. (He presses the switch, and the door slides open. The DOCTOR steps into the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. ARK- MEDICAL ROOM? (The DOCTOR finds SARAH lying unconscious on the floor and holds her head up. HARRY walks into the room.) HARRY: Crikey! She's cyanosed. DOCTOR: No air in here. Help me to get her back. HARRY: (Quietly, about to pick SARAH up) Quick! (The DOCTOR and HARRY pick up SARAH and drag her towards the wall. The door shuts and HARRY tries to stop it.) HARRY: Now what'll we do? DOCTOR: There must be a reverse mechanism. HARRY: (Grumbling to himself) I've always hated sliding doors, ever since I caught my nose in one in Pompey Barracks! DOCTOR: How is she, Harry? HARRY: She'll be OK if we can get her out of here. (DOCTOR presses some of the switches, and then looks back at the door.) DOCTOR: (Talking about the door not opening) Must be a broken circuit. HARRY: (Nearly letting SARAH drop) What? DOCTOR: Nothing. (The DOCTOR again presses a switch and then looks back at the door.) DOCTOR: Nothing's working properly. HARRY: (Focusing on SARAH) Oh? DOCTOR: I've found the oxygen supply. HARRY: Well done. (The DOCTOR walks to the wall on the other side and moves a knob.) DOCTOR: No good, Harry. HARRY: No luck, eh? DOCTOR: Why is nothing functioning here? HARRY: Couldn't we smash our way out or something? DOCTOR: With our bare hands? HARRY: (Apologetically) It's all my fault (He turns to SARAH). DOCTOR: I got us into this, Harry. HARRY: (Slightly breathless) I've not got enough puff to argue with you. DOCTOR: (Unsympathetic) Then lie down and conserve the oxygen, while I do what I can. (He fiddles with a cable from the control panel.) DOCTOR: That's odd. HARRY: What? (He pulls two parts of a cable out so they are visible.) DOCTOR: These cables have been sheared clean through. (He drops the cable suddenly and moves away.) DOCTOR: Oxygen-valve servo-mechanism. Yellow, black, green. (He walks to other side of the control panel.) DOCTOR: Yellow, black, green. (He walks back to the other side.) DOCTOR: Yellow, black, green (He bends down back to the cables. HARRY is now leaning on SARAH struggling to breathe. There is a buzzing sound as the DOCTOR uses his sonic screwdriver on the cables. He drops it, but then picks it up and uses it again. He goes back to the knob which he thought controlled the oxygen supply and turns it, he himself now struggling for breath. The oxygen supply is now working.) DOCTOR: Harry. (Worried) Harry! (He walks to HARRY and SARAH and bends down to them. HARRY is now awake.) HARRY: Is she...she OK? DOCTOR: (Taps SARAH's hand) Just in time. Are you feeling better? HARRY: Convalescent. All I need now is a couple of weeks at the seaside. DOCTOR: Good. Give me a hand to lay her on that couch. It's nearer the vents. HARRY: Good thinking. (The two of them pick up SARAH and put her onto the crouch. DOCTOR walks back towards the oxygen supply knob and turns it more, releasing more oxygen, which makes a hissing sounds. HARRY fiddles about with SARAH, trying to get her to wake up.) DOCTOR: I'll just repair some of those cables. HARRY: Sheared, you said? DOCTOR: (Walking towards cables) Or bitten. HARRY: (Surprised) What? DOCTOR: There's a mystery here, HARRY. (He uses his sonic screwdriver on the cables.) DOCTOR: Something happened a long time ago. HARRY: Bitten?! DOCTOR: It looks like it. The interesting question is why. Clearly deliberate, therefore done for a purpose. Therefore, whatever it was had a reasoning intelligence. HARRY: And very large teeth! DOCTOR: (Steps away from cables) Splendid! Now let's see if that panel works. (The DOCTOR closes the door where the cables were and walks towards control panel. He presses a switch, and the main door now opens. He smiles.) DOCTOR: All systems go, wouldn't you say? HARRY: She's coming round. DOCTOR: Good. (SARAH wakes up.) HARRY: Steady-steady on old girl, steady on. SARAH: (Half-awake) Harry...? HARRY: Yes, I'm here. SARAH: Call me "old girl" again...and I'll spit in your eye. (She smiles) DOCTOR: Welcome back, Sarah Jane. SARAH: Couldn't breathe... HARRY: Drop of brandy would be the thing now. DOCTOR: There's some in the TARDIS. HARRY: You'll be as right as ninepence in a minute. We're gonna get you some brandy, alright? SARAH: (Now fully awake) Eugh! I hate brandy! HARRY: Doctor, do you think you could possibly persuade her...? (The DOCTOR steps back into the secondary control room, followed by HARRY.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. ARK - SECONDARY CONTROL ROOM (A saucer-like object descends from the ceiling.) HARRY: I say, what's that? DOCTOR: Get down, Harry? (DOCTOR leaps to under the desk with HARRY and HARRY's left shoe comes off in the process. It is shocked by the saucer, and the front of it bends.) HARRY: Crikey! What is it? DOCTOR: (Pushing HARRY's head down under the desk) Keep your head down! [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. ARK - MEDICAL ROOM? (SARAH hears them and gets up.) SARAH: Doctor! (Soothing music plays, and SARAH starts to fall asleep as a light flashes. She lies down on the couch, and fades away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. ARK - SECONDARY CONTROL ROOM (The DOCTOR's hat pokes up from under the desk, but the DOCTOR's not wearing it: it is on a stick. It is shocked by the saucer, and the DOCTOR bangs it on the floor to clear away the ashes and smoke.) DOCTOR: We seem to be trapped, Harry. HARRY: What is it? DOCTOR: Some sort of automatic guard. I hadn't bargained on this when I repaired the circuits. HARRY: I wonder... DOCTOR: Of course! That's why they were cut in the first place! HARRY: What about Sarah (he points to the door) if she comes- DOCTOR: Tell her to stay where she is. HARRY: Sarah! Sarah? Can you hear me, old girl? [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. ARK - MEDICAL ROOM? (The room is now empty as HARRY tries to talk to SARAH, as he doesn't know that she's gone.) HARRY: Keep away from the door! Do you understand? (Speaking slower) Keep away from the door! [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. ARK - TRANQUILLER ROOM (SARAH is lying down, asleep. She wakes up. A bright light is flashing on her.) SARAH: (Asking herself) Where am I? (A male VOICE talks to her, but there is no one there.) VOICE: (Calmly) Welcome, sister. Welcome to Nerva. (SARAH gets up and looks around.) VOICE: No, do not move. It is dangerous to move from the tranquiller couch. Please remain in contact with the biocryonic vibrations. (SARAH starts to fall asleep and lies back down again. We can now see that she in some sort of chamber to lie down in, with lots of controls near to her.) VOICE: In five minutes, the final phase of your processing must commence. If you have any personal possessions that you wish to have preserved, please place them in the casket adjacent to your right hand. (We move closer to SARAH, who wakes up again and looks anxious.) VOICE: Shortly you will hear the recorded voice of the Prime Minister speaking personally to you. At the conclusion of the Minister's message, there will be a two-minute interregnum preceding the commencement of the irradiation. [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. ARK - SECONDARY CONTROL ROOM (The stick used to hold the hat is pushed up again, but now without the hat. It is not attacked by the saucer, and is pulled back down again.) DOCTOR: Apparently it's not activated by movement unless what moves is organic. HARRY: Hardly helps us, does it? We're organic! DOCTOR: Not down here we're not, Harry! HARRY: Ah, yes! Good piece of logical deduction, Doctor! DOCTOR: (Sarcastically) Thank you (!) (He turns around and gets out his sonic screwdriver, with which he undoes a screw.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. ARK - TRANQUILLER ROOM (SARAH is lying down but is slightly awake. The MINISTER's voice descends upon the room.) MINISTER: Greetings, Citizen Volunteer. This is the High Minister speaking on behalf of the World Executive. I salute you who are about to make the supreme sacrifice. In a few minute, you will pass beyond life. In case there is any fear in your heart, any doubt in your mind at this awesome moment, let me remind you that you take with you all our pasts. (SARAH wriggles about.) MINISTER: You carry the torch that has been handed down from generation to generation. (SARAH gets up again.) SARAH: What's happening? (Again, she gets sleepy and lies back down again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. ARK - SECONDARY CONTROL ROOM (The DOCTOR and HARRY move the desk that they're hiding under.) HARRY: (Whispering) Where are we going with it? DOCTOR: To the far wall. HARRY: Right DOCTOR: Inch it round your end. HARRY: OK. (They shuffle along to the wall, still hiding under the desk.) DOCTOR: One slip, Harry, and we'll be charcoal. (After lots of shuffling they make it.) DOCTOR: (Whispering) Psst, there it is. HARRY: (Whispering as well) What? DOCTOR: Trouble is we can't reach it from here. HARRY: What can't we reach? DOCTOR: The auto-guard cut-out. Look, up there, see? Never mind. The faithful old scarf... (The DOCTOR unravels his scarf, and tries to throw it up to the switch he's aiming for, but it is shocked by the saucer. It lands back down, and the DOCTOR catches it. He hits it on the floor, creating a lot of dust.) HARRY: (Sincerely) Bad luck. Jolly good try though. DOCTOR: It isn't a game of cricket, Harry! HARRY: Sorry. Mind you, if I had a cricket ball, I'd jolly soon knock that switch off. (The DOCTOR takes a cricket ball from his pocket.) DOCTOR: Will this do? HARRY: (Taking it off the DOCTOR) Watch this, then! (HARRY rubs the ball on his shirt and then throws it at the switch, but is shocked by the saucer and comes back at him in pieces. He picks up one of the pieces.) HARRY: Organic, of course. DOCTOR: (Looking at another piece) Afraid so. HARRY: Now what? DOCTOR: There's only one thing left. Risky, but it might work. You don't want your other shoe, do you? HARRY: I suppose not. DOCTOR: Slip it off. (HARRY takes off his other shoe.) DOCTOR: Right...Now, I want you to throw it across the room (HARRY starts to throw it, but the DOCTOR grabs his hand) when I give the word. Do you understand? HARRY: All right DOCTOR: I'm going to try and distract it. Let's hope it's not double-barrelled! (He starts to get out from under the desk.) DOCTOR: Ready? HARRY: Ready. DOCTOR: Now! (HARRY chucks the shoe up in the air, and it is shocked by the saucer. The DOCTOR pulls a switch at the same time, and the saucer goes back up to the ceiling. The DOCTOR and HARRY poke their heads up, and notice it is gone. The DOCTOR smiles.) DOCTOR: I think we've done it, Harry! (The two of them get out from under the desk.) DOCTOR: Pity about the scarf. Madame Nostradamus made it for me. A witty little knitter. (Shouts, as the two of them move back towards the door) All right, Sarah, you can come out now. (He picks up his hat and taps it.) DOCTOR: Never get another one like it. HARRY: (Picking up his shoes) Look at my shoes! DOCTOR: Sarah? [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. ARK - TRANQUILLER ROOM (A door on the chamber that SARAH is now asleep in shuts, and the light in the chamber keeps switching from red to orange. Smoke fills the chamber.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. ARK - MEDICAL ROOM? (The DOCTOR and HARRY lift up a bit of the couch to reveal lots of circuits.) DOCTOR: What a fool! Of course! HARRY: (Looking at the circuits) What is it? DOCTOR: Why didn't I realise? Short-range matter transmitter. (HARRY looks inside it whilst the DOCTOR goes to the control panel.) DOCTOR: The strange thing is, Harry, it's only for internal relay. HARRY: (Walking towards the DOCTOR) Oh I haven't the foggiest notion what you're on about. DOCTOR: Never mind. It just means Sarah can't be far away. All we've got to do is find her. Come on! (The DOCTOR and HARRY walk out of the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. ARK - CORRIDOR (The DOCTOR and HARRY step out into a white corridor. There are strange windows at the sides and from these space can be seen.) DOCTOR: I think we'll try this way first. (The DOCTOR and HARRY walk up, to the left of where they came from.) HARRY: I say, what about the armoury? DOCTOR: Not very likely. (They walk further on, and reach a door saying AREA Q in black writing. A horrific MALE voice shouts at them.) MALE: (Viciously) This is a sterile area! Keep out! HARRY: It's just like a hospital. (The DOCTOR manages to open the door, and smiles at HARRY.) HARRY: Well, ought we, do you think? DOCTOR: Don't be nervous, Harry. (They step through the door, into another section of corridor. A slug-like creature slides out of the corridor onto the side.) DOCTOR: (Asking HARRY) What is it? HARRY: I saw something moving. DOCTOR: Nonsense, Harry. HARRY: I'm positive, I saw something move. DOCTOR: A trick of the light HARRY: (Adamantly) It wasn't a trick of the light, I saw something moving! (The DOCTOR and HARRY walk to where the creature was, and there is a green trail left from where it was.) DOCTOR: It's like the trail left by a gastropod mollusc. HARRY: A slug? DOCTOR: Or a snail. HARRY: That size? Impossible! It couldn't have got through this grille. DOCTOR: Very interesting. A multinucleate organism. HARRY: (Confused) Eh? DOCTOR: Let's find Sarah first. Come on. (They get up.) DOCTOR: This looks promising. (They walk into a room, a sign saying on the wall YELLOW BADGE PERSONNEL ONLY, with a yellow light flashing from the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. ARK - YELLOW ROOM (The doors shut. The room is very small, and a quiet whirring noise can be heard.) HARRY: She's obviously not in here. DOCTOR: Decontamination chamber. Might make you feel a bit dizzy. (HARRY groans as if he's in pain.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. ARK - TRANQUILLER ROOM (A door opens and the DOCTOR and HARRY walk into the room, HARRY seemingly having a headache. The DOCTOR goes to the control panel.) DOCTOR: I think we're getting warm, Harry. Animal and Botanic! (He walks towards a door, with a sign of it saying ANIMAL BOTANIC. He looks in a window in the door.) DOCTOR: Of course! That explains everything! Do you realise what this is? Aren't you feeling better? HARRY: No, I'm not! DOCTOR: (Raising his voice) Then pull yourself together man, this is fascinating! This is a cryogenic repository. HARRY: A repository? For what? DOCTOR: Everything...Well, everything they considered worth preserving. Look at this! (He walks towards a wall with switches and numbers on it, from 1-12. He flicks a switch, and a beeping sound is made. He pulls out a drawer from one of the number sections on the wall, and looks inside it with HARRY.) DOCTOR: Microfilm. It's a complete record. Music, history, architecture, literature, engineering. Incredible! The entire body of human thought and achievement. HARRY: Yes, but what's it all for? DOCTOR: Posterity? I don't know. (He pushes the drawer back in.) DOCTOR: Why build all this and send it into space? HARRY: I say, couldn't be some sort of survival kit, could it? DOCTOR: Survival? HARRY: Yes, you know - the sort of thing they shove in lifeboats. DOCTOR: (Smiling) You're improving, Harry! (He pats HARRY on the back.) HARRY: Am I really? DOCTOR: Yes, your mind is beginning to work. It's entirely my influence of course, you mustn't take any credit. Now, what's missing? (He walks back to the control panel.) HARRY: Missing? DOCTOR: Yes. If we are to assume that some great cataclysm struck Earth and that, before the end, they launched this lifeboat, then the one obvious missing element is man himself. What's happened to the human species, Harry? (A door opens behind them, and the DOCTOR and HARRY notice it. They walk over to it.) HARRY: I say, what a place for a mortuary! (They walk into the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. ARK - BODY ROOM (The camera swings around, revealing lots of chambers with bodies inside them, on three different levels. Each chamber is numbered.) DOCTOR: (Looking up at the chambers.) This isn't a mortuary, Harry. Quite the reverse. HARRY: (Stunned) The reverse? Well, I'd hardly call it a nursery! DOCTOR: Cryogenic chamber. HARRY: What? DOCTOR: Old principle, but I've never seen it applied on this scale. Look at them! (A small corridor is seen, and this links this body room to another body room, supposedly the same size.) DOCTOR: There must be hundreds here. HARRY: Well, when you've seen one corpse, you've seen them all. (He walks towards the other room.) DOCTOR: Corpse? These people aren't dead, Harry, they're asleep. The entire human race awaiting the trumpet blast! (The DOCTOR walks into the other room, whilst HARRY looks around in the first room. HARRY opens one of the chambers, and reveals a body lying completely still.) HARRY: (Confidently) Dead as a doorknocker! [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. ARK - 2nd BODY ROOM DOCTOR: (Walking around, looking at the bodies) Homo sapiens. What an inventive and invincible species. It's only been a few million years since they've crawled up out of the mud and learned to walk. Puny, defenceless bipeds. They've survived flood, famine and plague. They've survived cosmic wars and holocausts and now here they are amongst the stars, waiting to begin a new life, ready to outsit eternity. They're indomitable. Indomitable! (He walks back into the other body room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. ARK - BODY ROOM (HARRY is observing the body he recently found in a chamber.) DOCTOR: What do you think you're doing? HARRY: (Walks away from the body) Sorry to contradict you, Doctor. Not a flicker of life. DOCTOR: Suspended animation. HARRY: But there are no metabolic functions at all. I mean, look at him! I mean, even in the deepest coma, the hair and fingernails continue to grow. The epidermis... DOCTOR: (Dominantly) Total suspension, Harry. You can't survive 10,000 years in a coma. (He shuts the chamber.) HARRY: 10,000 years? DOCTOR: 50,000 years, 100,000 - time is immaterial. It's an amazing sight, isn't it? The entire human race in one room. All colours, all creeds - all differences finally forgotten. HARRY: Are you serious? The entire human race? DOCTOR: Well, it's chosen descendents. The operation must have been meticulously planned. Come on. HARRY: Where are we going now? DOCTOR: First to find Sarah, (He walks towards the second room) then we've got to shut down the systems. We're intruders here, you know. HARRY: Just a minute, Doctor, are you trying to tell that this is where it's all going to end, in here? DOCTOR: Not end, Harry, just a pause. HARRY: But there's only a few hundred corp... bodies in here. I mean, what's happened to the rest of humanity? Some global catastrophe? DOCTOR: Yes, and they saw it coming, and made provision for it, best they could. Don't forget - it's something for you to be proud of. (He taps HARRY's shoulder.)HARRY: Doctor, look. (HARRY points to a slime trail at the air vent, similar to the trail we saw before. The DOCTOR and HARRY walk over to it.) DOCTOR: Oxygen? Radiant heat? But this deep in space? I wonder... HARRY: (Looking up again) Perhaps it's some kind of mould. DOCTOR: Mould? HARRY: That trail we saw in the corridor. DOCTOR: And that thing you saw moving in the corridor? HARRY: Dust! That, er, grille thing was a dust extractor. And then we opened the door after umpteen years and caught a bit of a draught. DOCTOR: (Sarcastically) Mmm, very convincing (!) All the same, I think we'll just check a few of the beds while we're here. HARRY: What are we checking for, exactly? DOCTOR: Just to make sure that everything's in order. HARRY: Right-o. (The DOCTOR and HARRY look around. He spots something odd, and opens the chamber.) HARRY: Doctor? DOCTOR: What have you found? HARRY: Sarah! (Inside the chamber is SARAH, lying completely still.) DOCTOR: Oh, Sarah Jane! HARRY: (Sort of asking) We can't help her now? DOCTOR: No. She'll be like that for 3,000 years, at least. Even if we had a resuscitation unit, it's doubtful that we could revive her now. HARRY: (Walking towards another corridor) There must be something we can do! What's a resuscitation unit look like? (HARRY walks to some cabinets in another corridor. He opens one of the cabinets, which reads MEDIC 2, but doesn't find anything useful.) DOCTOR: Very like an oxygen cylinder. You'll recognise it if there is one. (He opens the cabinet to its left, which reads MEDIC 1. Out of it pops out a green wasp-like creature.) (Cut to closing credits.)

Plan: A: Harry; Q: Who does the Doctor try to give a trip in the TARDIS? A: a space station; Q: What do the Doctor, Harry, and Sarah arrive on? Summary: The Doctor's attempt to give Harry a trip in the TARDIS sees the two of them and Sarah arriving onboard a space station in the far future, with some rather deadly security mechanisms.

Outside of Degrassi (Everyone is watching as Jimmy comes out of a van and they all start clapping and cheering.) Hazel: Hey la my boyfriend's back! Paige: I know, this is so song worthy! Ashley: Hi. Jimmy: Wow. Thanks you guys and uh thanks for not making a big deal out of it. Ashley: Hazel tried to stop us. Marco: Emphasize on try. Everyone was really excited to have you back. (Spinner and Manny walk out of the school and Spinner waves.) Jimmy: Everyone? (Spinner puts down his arm when Jimmy doesn't smile at him.) Jimmy: Okay who's ramping it with me? Marco: Let's go! In the computer lab Spinner: Hey. Um listen about the... the hospital. Jimmy: Wheels. Chair. It's a wheelchair. Gawk all you want, it's not going away. Spinner: Um. Dude I would have come, but things got crazy busy around here and you know how it is... Jimmy: I understand. I probably should have been there with you instead of at the hospital getting a bullet removed from my spine. My bad. Spinner: I'm sorry okay? I didn't know what to say or how to act. I suck. Jimmy: Sit down. At this angle I can see up your nose. Not good. Spinner: You should hate me. Jimmy: That takes too much energy. I got other things to deal with, like hooking up some phat rims for the ride. Mr. Simpson: Jimmy Brooks is in the house! Jimmy: What's up man? Mr. Simpson: Hey. You gonna help me keep that guy in line? (looking at Spinner) Jimmy: Yeah. Mr. Simpson: Okay. A montage of Spinner helping Jimmy get his books out of his locker, pushing him through the halls, giving him a water bottle when he can't use the fountain, taping up the cords on the ground so Jimmy can wheel right over them, Spinner is looking at the trophy case then goes up to Mr. Armstrong Spinner: Oh Coach sir! Um after, after the game today I have an idea! At Liberty's, JT & Liberty are kissing Liberty: Your lips taste like sweet jelly. Danny: Hey Liberty, how's your mono? Liberty: Bravo Daniel, you've discovered humor. Danny: So JT, boarding park awaits! Liberty: As does the hot tub, a perfect 105 Fahrenheit, 40.56 degrees Celsius. Just checked. Danny: Did you check the chlorine level? Liberty: It's bromine, my little rottweiler. Danny: Still not strong enough to kill whatever fungus is growing on you. JT: You know what? My shorts double as a bathing suit! Danny: JT! JT: (weighing out his options with his hands) Rolling on the cement with you, rolling in the water with your sister... Danny: If dad catches you in there together, he'll... Liberty: Oh, but he won't because if he comes home you'll give us a signal. JT: Something obnoxious you know, like a bark! At the basketball game Mr. Armstrong: Alright before we head to the playoffs, the team would like to thank someone who helped get them there. Let's have a big round of applause for Jimmy Brooks! (Everyone's clapping and cheering for him.) Spinner: Hey um alright. Your name's already on here twice, but uh from now on Degrassi's MVP basketball award will be known as the Jimmy Brooks trophy! Jimmy: Um this is definitely a surprise. I guess all I can say is, uh we go for MVP number 3 next year right?! Go Panthers! At Liberty's house Mr. Van Zandt: Good afternoon Daniel. Sister around? Danny: She's out back. Soaking all her problems away. Mr. Van Zandt: Mm hmm. Danny: (quietly) Woof. JT: Why didn't you tell me my butt was so big? Liberty: Because I like your butt. Mr. Van Zandt: Out! Now! Liberty: We were just... Mr. Van Zandt: JT, go home! Liberty: JT's one of my oldest friends! Mr. Van Zandt: He's also a teenage boy! You want to see JT again? Well wait until you're twenty. In the gymnasium (Jimmy is trying to play basketball but gets frustrated, then Spinner walks in.) Jimmy: Just trying to do a lay-up. Spinner: Better watch traveling if you wanna be back next year, right? Jimmy: There won't be a next year Spin. My basketball career, my whole future is gone. Just like these two pieces of me. Spinner: Dude, don't. Jimmy: Look stuck in a bed for three months, you can't stop thinking. Spinner: About getting better man and you will! Jimmy: About Rick and how I rode him just as hard as you guys! Even harder. Spinner: Yeah but you didn't set up the paint. Jimmy: I know, but that doesn't change anything does it? Rick put me in this chair for life. For life! Sometimes I just wish he had better aim, finish the job. Spinner: You don't mean that! Jimmy: How do you know what I mean. Are you in a chair? Do you wake up every morning thinking you can walk and then remembering that you will never ever walk again?!?! It's not your fault. It's mine. Spinner: In the bathroom after, after we dumped that stuff on Rick... me and Jay... told him you were behind it. Jimmy: And then he shot me. (Jimmy rolls away as Spinner is just sitting in the middle of the room crying.) At Degrassi, the next day, everyone's looking at Spinner Craig: You actually showed up today. Marco: Nobody wants to see you Spin. You've done enough damage. Spinner: Exactly and now I have to fix it. Craig: Then go fix it someplace else, as far away from Jimmy. Marco: And that includes the party tonight alright?! Make other plans. (Spinner walks away and sees Manny.) Spinner: Manny! (She looks at him then walks away and completely ignores him.) Outside the school Danny: You know it's against the code for a guy to hook up with his best friend's sister! JT: The code? Somebody cue the laugh track. Danny: Fine, she's my sister and you don't have my permission to go out with her. JT: Excuse me? Danny: She's the smartest person in the school and you don't even have an IQ! You don't deserve her. JT: That's too bad because uh, the smartest girl in school thinks I do. Danny: I guess you'll need her help to read the instructions to your pen1s pump! JT: Danny... I swear! (Danny shoves JT, who shoves him back, then they start wrestling around. JT gives Danny a wedgie and he falls back and hits his head.) Liberty: Danny! Danny. JT: Liberty! He... Liberty: Is bleeding. My brother's bleeding because of you! [SCENE_BREAK] At the Dot Waitress: I thought this place was a mad house after school. Where's the gang? Jay: Who's a guy got to bribe around here to get some service? You know call me psychic, but I called it. You had to open your trap, didn't you?! Spinner: Jimmy deserved to know the truth. Jay: Oh. Cool. So tell me, being an outcast, everyone hating you, does that make you feel any better? Cause if you want to be punished I can slap you around myself. (Spinner grabs Jay's arm and they almost start to fight.) Waitress: Hey! Hey if you're not going to order it's time to leave, okay? *Jay leaves) (Spinner leaves work and Jay is waiting outside for him.) Spinner: Lets go! Right now. Jay: Easy. I didn't come here to fight, I just wanted to introduce you to my friends. Cause buddy you need friends. (Pulls out some booze) This guy, he's nasty. Tastes like fire. Rubs people the wrong way. (Pulls out a coke) This guy here, well sweet... refreshing. But when these two get together, bad news. Kind of like you and me. Figure we outlaws might as well try to have a good time. (They start drinking.) At Liberty's house Danny: Liberty? Liberty: No trespassing! Because of your stupid little boy-crush, ruined everything! Danny: Liberty he's not what you think! He's just JT! A non-stop farting horndog. Liberty: He was my boyfriend! In the woods, Jay and Spinner are drunk Jay: So Jimmy's party. Did you lose your invitation? Spinner: Nah man. They all hate me. Jay: Hey! My philosophy, they can all go to hell. Spinner: Yeah, but they weren't your friends to begin with. Jay: It's this whole blame thing though! Rick is the bad guy, but now that he's gone everyone's looking to blame someone else. Spinner: Yeah man! It's like, It's like I'm the guy who brought the gun to school. I'm, I'm the guy who shot Jimmy, right? I'm the criminal. It's not fair! Jay: You want some cheese with that whine or are you gonna do something about it? Spinner: Think I just found my invitation! (Drinks the rest of the bottle then smashes it against a tree) At Craig's (Craig is singing karaoke (poorly) to 'Takin' Care Of Business' and everyone's laughing, then Spinner stumbles in and knocks over the lamp.) Craig: You lost?! Spinner: Jimmy! Listen. I wish, I wish none of that ever happened Jimmy! Jimmy: You're drunk. Spinner: Just how can I get you to stop hating me? Hazel: Spinner you should really go! Paige: Can't you take a hint? Spinner: Just chew me out, bite my head off! I don't care, just tell me please! Jimmy: Craig it's your song still. (They turn the music back on, Spinner grabs the keys off the counter, then stumbles outside and Marco, who was watching, follows.) Marco: Spinner! Spinner what are you doing? Spinner: Guys don't want me here. I'm going home. Marco: Come on Spin, you're drunk alright? The next thing you know you're in jail or the hospital or the morgue! Spinner: I don't care! Marco: Craig! Craig! Craig! Craig: Spinner, get out of the car! Get out of the car! (He closes the door and locks it.) Craig: Spinner get out of the car. Marco: Spin come on. Spin don't! Come on, Spinner don't be stupid! (He starts driving and nearly hits Jimmy.) Spinner: Move Jimmy I mean it! Jimmy: Look I don't feel sorry for you if that's what you want, okay? Spinner: I want my friend back! Jimmy: When have you ever treated me like a friend? When you lied to Rick? When you told me about it? Spinner: You needed to know! Jimmy: No you needed to make yourself feel better. Why don't you for once, just think about somebody other than Spinner? Or you know what, just go drive off a bridge! I don't care. I don't. You're dead to me already. Craig: Keys! (Spinner hands him the keys then leans back and starts to cry.) At Liberty's Liberty: Not in the mood for your hullabaloo Danny. This better be good. (She sees JT and starts to leave.) Danny: Wait! JT didn't do anything. It's my fault. I started the fight. Liberty: He didn't have to finish it. Mr. Van Zandt: Liberty! (She runs off) Hey Danny, where's your sister? Danny: Student council meeting. She already left. Mr. Van Zandt: Oh? I could have sworn I heard you two just talking. Who were you talking to? Danny: Just practicing. Oral presentation today. Mr. Van Zandt: Oh well, keep it up and don't be late for school! Danny: Ok, coast is clear guys. (JT and Liberty are kissing.) Danny: Oh gross! I give up! At school, in the office Mrs. Hatzilakos: Gavin if you'd like to talk this... some other time... Spinner: No. No, I'm ready now. I bullied Rick a lot and the Whack Your Brain contest, the paint and feathers thing. Mrs. Hatzilakos: Yeah? Spinner: It was my idea. Mrs. Hatzilakos: Is there anyone else I need to talk to about that? (Spinner nods.) Mrs. Hatzilakos: Well? Spinner: Jay. Jay Hogart. He was in on it too. Mrs. Hatzilakos: (On the phone) Sarah can you please pull Jay Hogart out of class. Please have him wait for me. (Off the phone) I don't even know where to begin. This is beyond anything you've ever done at this school. Spinner: I know. I know and if you have to suspend me I will... Mrs. Hatzilakos: Suspend?! A boy died! Another one is confined to a wheelchair for what might be the rest of his life! Spinner: I'm sorry. Mrs. Hatzilakos: I know you're sorry, but it does not change what you did. Please, go to your locker, pack your things and I'll notify your parents. Spinner: When do I get to come back? Mrs. Hatzilakos: Gavin, we have zero tolerance for bullying and I have no choice. I'm expelling you.

Plan: A: the hospital; Q: Where is Jimmy released from? A: Spinner; Q: Who is forced to decide whether to lose a friend by confessing his role in the shooting or to stay quiet and feel guilty? A: J.T. and Liberty's relationship; Q: What does Danny have a hard time accepting? Summary: When Jimmy is finally released from the hospital, everyone is happy except Spinner, who is forced to decide whether to lose a friend by confessing his role in the shooting or to stay quiet and feel guilty. Meanwhile, Danny has a hard time accepting J.T. and Liberty's relationship.

"The Boy in the Shroud" [SCENE_BREAK] TEASER (Open: FBI Agents are in an alley digging through garbage. Cam and Booth are already there. Everyone is grossed out by the smell - Cam picks up a rat.) BOOTH: (waving his hand to keep the smell away and then covers his nose) Holy mother of God. Oh Geez. (Brennan and Hodgins arrive) BRENNAN: Booth! What do we have here? HODGINS: Bet I know. That's- (he sniffs the air) lasagna, (sniffs) fishy rotten cat food and (sniffs) vulcanized rubber. CAM: Excellent olfactory talent, Hodgins. BRENNAN: What happened? BOOTH: Well, it's obvious, isn't it? A guy tried to beat the yellow light, he got T-Boned by tractor trailer. BRENNAN: Well, what was the semi carrying? BOOTH: Aquarium sand, but that's not- BRENNAN: No natural gas or propane? No explosion? No fire? HODGINS: No corrosive chemicals. BRENNAN: What - do you need me for? CAM: You might want to prepare yourself. (she looks at Brennan) - or not. BOOTH: Oh man. Okay, how bad does, uh, garbage gotta stink to cover the smell of a dead body. CAM: I think the victim was a minor. BOOTH: (to Brennan) 'Kay, well if you agree this falls under FBI jurisdiction. (Brennan and Hodgins kneel down next to the body. Brennan starts to examine the skull) BRENNAN: It's a male. Yes, an adolescent. HODGINS: Flatworms. Necrophagous flies and beetles. Yeah, he's been garbage for about three weeks. I didn't mean that the way it sounded. BRENNAN: The fractures to the cranium, sphenoid and occipital regions. Necks broken and the femur is shattered. BOOTH: From the garbage truck flipping over? BRENNAN: No. This damage is more congruent with a fall. (Brennan notices that the victim is clutching something in his hand.) BOOTH: What do ya got? HODGINS: It's organic. (he hands Brennan tweezers) BRENNAN: (pulling it out of the grasp) Whatever it is, he brought it with him from the crime scene. (She places it in a manila envelope) CAM: How much of this are ya gonna need? HODGINS: The whole, disgusting, shebang. (Booth pulls up a piece of trash) BOOTH: Everything? BRENNAN: Everything. (Booth throws the piece of garbage towards the camera) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform. Cam, Brennan and Zack are examining the remains.) ZACK: He was wrapped in a shroud? BRENNAN: Angela's analyzing the stains on the cloth while Hodgins figures out what they're made of. CAM: No finger pads left for prints. (to Zack) How are we on dental records? ZACK: FBI's on it. CAM: Multiple shards of leaded glass embedded in the remaining tissue. Massive contusions congruent with a swan dive onto a hard surface. BRENNAN: And take a look at the upper spine. ZACK: Weighted impact against the, uh, scapula and clavicle. CAM: He was struck? BRENNAN: Yes. But not hard enough to kill. (Booth enters platform.) BOOTH: Private garbage hauler. They aren't real strict about their routes. Driver says he can't be sure where he picked the victim up. CAM: No visible tats or track marks. BRENNAN: You sound surprised. BOOTH: Well, it's pretty obvious, Bones. It's either a junkie or a hustler. BRENNAN: Why make the assumption? CAM: Not many kids from the suburbs end up rotting in garbage trucks. Fun factoid from the front lines. (Angela enters the platform.) ANGELA: Hey guys. Wanna see something cool? (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angelator Room. Booth, Brennan, Cam, Zack & Angela are standing around the Angelator.) ANGELA: I assume you're familiar with the Shroud of Turin? BOOOTH: Image of Christ's face on the inside of a burial cloth. CAM: Right, Booth's a good Catholic boy. BRENNAN: It was revealed to be a hoax. BOOTH: It wasn't a hoax. BRENNAN: Okay. Whatever you want to believe... ANGELA: This is no hoax. On the fabric covering John Doe's skull, there are tissue stains around the eye sockets, the nose and the mouth. This is essentially a photo negative of his features. (Angela pulls up the scan of the shroud and extrapolates the photo negative of his features) CAM: Are you saying you have enough to assemble a face? ANGELA: I call it the Shroud of Montenegro. (a face starts to slowly appear as she talks) I used computer tomography to create x- ray slices of the underlying facial architecture. (the face starts to appear even more) Selective laser centering, allowed me to map unimprinted areas. Skin tone and hair color were extrapolated based on Dr. Saroyan's data. (The face of their John Doe is now displayed on the screen) BRENNAN: I'm no expert, but he sure doesn't look like a street kid. ACT I (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. Booth, Brennan and Cam are looking on as Angela searches on the computer.)ANGELA: I'm running our facial reconstruction through the Missing and Exploited Persons database. CAM: That's a lot of missing and exploited kids. BRENNAN: These are just the locals. BOOTH: Let's hope we don't have to go national. CAM: Narrow the search. To street kids in the foster system. BRENNAN: Why? CAM: Because statistically, that's where this boy comes from. BRENNAN: It's far too early to start narrowing our focus. CAM: Runaways, street kids, foster system. BRENNAN: Dr. Saroyan's the boss. CAM: I've autopsied a lot of dead kids - car accidents, drug overdoses, drownings. Fine, it's a broad search. Kid in a dumpster - it's a runaway, street kid or foster system. BOOTH: Cam's right, Bones. ANGELA: Got it. Dylan Crane, 17. CAM: This is why I was appointed to this job, Dr. Brennan - to streamline the process. ANGELA: Honor student from a nice neighborhood in Alexanria. BRENNAN: Oops. ANGELA: He disappeared three weeks ago with his girlfriend, Kelly Morris - who is in the foster system. CAM: Good. There we go. I guess your first move is to find Kelly Morris. BOOTH: No, the first move is to inform the Cranes that we just found their son. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Upstairs Lounge Area. Booth and Brennan are talking with the Crane's.) MRS. CRANE: Are you positive? MR. CRANE: We don't need to identify him? To make sure, I mean. MRS. CRANE: I need to see my son. You understand? BOOTH: Mr. And Mrs. Crane, I realize this is very hard but the reason why we asked you to come to the Jeffersonian- BRENNAN: I'm a forensic anthropologist. MR. CRANE: I don't understand the significance of that. BRENNAN: I'm called in when a victim is too decomposed to identify. MRS. CRANE: Oh, God. BRENNAN: I was able to identify Dylan beyond a shadow of a doubt. I'm sorry. MRS. CRANE: That's Dylan. MR. CRANE: How did he die? BRENNAN: He fell...from a height of approximately 50ft. BOOTH: Is there any reason to believe the your son was despondent? MR. CRANE: Dylan? No. He was a smart, happy kid. BOOTH: Problems at school? You know, uh, spending too much time on the internet? Anything like that? MR. CRANE: His whole life centered around this girl he was seeing. BOOTH: Was this Kelly Morris? MRS. CRANE: Yes. I suppose you read the missing persons report. MR. CRANE: So, you know Kelly's in a foster situation? BRENNAN: Have you seen her since Dylan disappeared? MR. CRANE: No. MRS. CRANE: To be honest, we were hoping they ran away together. BOOTH: Why would they do that? MR. CRANE: We told Dylan to stop seeing her. BRENNAN: Why? MRS. CRANE: Dylan met her at Harbor Plaza where the street kids hang out. MR. CRANE: Dylan was getting ready to go to M.I.T. She's already dropped out of high school. The life we provided him didn't prepare him for a girl like Kelly. BRENNAN: You mean a foster child. BOOTH: Bones. MRS. CRANE: Whatever happened to my son, it happened because of Kelly. BOOTH: We're gonna find her and we're gonna talk to her. MR. CRANE: Dr. Brennan, I can see that you think we're being hard on Kelly. But my son- my son was a good kid with his whole life ahead of him. (Cut to: Booth's Car. Brennan is staring out the window while Booth is talking) BOOTH: Kelly Morris's foster mother is gonna meet us in my office. BRENNAN: (still looking out window) Okay. BOOTH: She says Kelly took off a couple weeks ago with most of her belongings. (Brennan sighs.) BOOTH: You okay, Bones? BRENNAN: I was a foster child. BOOTH: Yeah, I know. BRENNAN: Did people always assume the worst of me? BOOTH: (sighs) You know, I know that you hate psychology - but those people - they just lost their son. They need to blame someone. (Cut to: FBI - Booth's Office. Booth and Brennan are sitting talking to Kelly's foster mother, Suzanne.) FRAN DUNCAN: Poor Dylan. He was a good kid. He was a good influence on Kelly, trying to get her back into school. And he was good to Alex. Treated him just like a little brother. BRENNAN: To the best of your knowledge, were Kelly and Dylan sexually active? SUZANNE: Oh, I know they were. I'm afraid I caught them in Kelly's bedroom and I had to forbid Kelly to bring Dylan into the house after that. BOOTH: Why? BRENNAN: It's the rules. They're underage and Kelly's a ward of the state. SUZANNE: And I knew that it might force Dylan and Kelly to find other places to be together. You know, to feed into their own, uh, Romeo and Juliet fantasy. But Alex live in the house, too, and he's only 12. BOOTH: Kelly and her brother, they close? SUZANNE: Very close. Their parents were killed in a hotel fire four years ago. They had no family. They were put into the foster system. I've had them for a little over a year. BRENNAN: That's a pretty good run for a foster kid. Especially a brother and a sister who want to be together. SUZANNE: Yes. BOOTH: What? SUZANNE: Well, I'm not certain how much longer I can keep the both of them. I have diabetes and I don't have the energy that I used to. And Kelly is a real handful. I've asked Children Services to look for alternatives. BRENNAN: Did Kelly know? SUZANNE: Yes. I told her. ALEX: (entering Booth's office) Did they find Kelly or not? SUZANNE: No, Alex. But they found Dylan. ALEX: Is he alright? BOOTH: I'm - I'm afraid not. SUZANNE: Dylan is dead. (she walks over to Alex and hugs him) BRENNAN: Do you know where Kelly is, Alex? ALEX: No. BOOTH: Kelly could be in danger. ALEX: I don't know where she is. She hasn't called me or anything. Do you think she's dead too? BOOTH: No. You know, I'm gonna find your sister and I'm gonna bring her back here to you. ALEX: Really? BOOTH: Absolutely. This is the FBI, buddy. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab. Brennan and Booth are walking into Brennan's office.) BRENNAN: Were you lying to the boy? Do you really think Kelly Morris is still alive? BOOTH: Ah, I don't know. BRENNAN: You don't know if she's alive? BOOTH: I don't know if I was lying. Ya see, I just - I really don't have a read on the sister yet. I mean was she a bad guy? Was she a victim? BRENNAN: Well, do you have a read on Dylan Crane? BOOTH: Oh, yeah. He had that whole adolescent savior complex thing going on big time. BRENNAN: Savior complex? BOOTH: Yeah, teenage boys love nothing more than the idea of saving the damsel in distress. BRENNAN: How do you know? BOOTH: Well, 'cause I was, ya know, I was a teenage boy. (Cam enters the office) CAM: Hey. DNA from the tissue under the victim's fingernail. Female. And there's nail polish in the gouges on his arm. BRENNAN: Well, it wasn't necessarily from the murder. They were sexually active. She might've scratched him. CAM: Nope. Hodgins also found oxidized iron in the scratches. BOOTH: Oxidized iron. What's that? BRENNAN & CAM: Rust. BOOTH: Why didn't you just say rust? BRENNAN: Well, she said it. CAM: The same oxidized iron found on the victim's upper back and shoulder. BRENNAN: Probably left behind by the weapon that stuck him. BOOTH: So, he was hit with what? A rusty pipe? CAM: That's a reasonable assumption. BOOTH: Oh, so Dylan tells the girlfriend they're breaking up- (Brennan looks at both of them, annoyed) CAM: She whacks him across the carotid with a pipe- BOOTH: And pushes him out the window. CAM: Exactly. (Booth looks over at Brennan) BOOTH: What? What's with the stink eyes? It's just a theory. BRENNAN: There was cheap nail polish in the box of Kelly's belongings. You should see if there's a match. CAM: Find some hair. Match the DNA on that then get started on the, uh, murder weapon. BOOTH: Yeah. (Brennan gets up from her chair and reaches for her jacket - heads towards the door.) BOOTH: Where are ya going? BRENNAN: I thought that before we arrest Kelly Morris for murder, based solely on the fact that she's a foster kid, we might want to find the place where Dylan Crane actually died. Point of fact, the pipe, if that's even what it was, was not he murder weapon. The evidence, if anybody cares, shows that Dylan Crane died from a fall. (Brennan leaves. Booth looks back to Cam) ACT II (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform. Brennan and Zack are examining the remains.) ZACK: No compression fractures to the ulna or phalanges. So his arms weren't outstretched or across his face. BRENNAN: Which means he wasn't bracing for impact. ZACK: Suggesting he was unconscious before he went out the window. Perhaps from being struck by the rusty pipe? BRENNAN: (groans) Ugh, don't you start. ZACK: Start what? BRENNAN: We don't know what he was struck with yet. ZACK: I analyzed the impact damage and the weapon was a cylinder approximately two inches in diameter. That, plus the oxidation residue, suggests, in the vernacular, a rusty pipe. BRENNAN: Good. If you tell me that, I get it. It's empirical, not guesswork. HODGINS (entering) That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. ZACK: Romeo and Juliet. Act 2, scene 2. The quote considered to most aptly describe the central conflict of the play - which I totally do not understand. HODGINS: The flower in Dylan's hand was a Rosea calyx - a rosebud. BRENNAN: You do not smell like a rose. HODGINS: I've been sifting through two tons of garbage, which you should ask me about. BRENNAN: Ask what, exactly? HODGINS: Poultry skin loaded with garlic and chives, red beets, empty imported vodka bottles, and traces of osetra fish eggs. Put 'em together and where are we? (he pauses to wait for an answer) Anyone? (still nothing) Booth should check the garbage truck route for a Russian resturant. (Cut to: Street - Day. Booth and Brennan just turned the corner.) BOOTH: Whoa. Okay, horrible area. But on the upside, on one restaurant and no Starbucks. BRENNAN: You know, no one we've talked to had recognized either Kelly or Dylan. (pointing to a bunch of street kids) Hey, we could ask them. BOOTH: Why? BRENNAN: Because they share the same unique sociocultural identifiers as Kelly Morris. BOOTH: You mean like, teenagers. BRENNAN: Yeah. Exactly. BOOTH: No. You know what? They will melt away before we get half a sentence out. BRENNAN: Right. You just watch. BOOTH: Okay. But hey, you know, what do I know? I've only been working the streets my whole career. BRENNAN: (to the kids) Excuse me? Hello? Hi. I'm an anthropologist. I'm not a cop. STREET KID #1: (to Brennan about Booth) That's most definitely a cop. BOOTH: Thank you. See? They're very cooperative, aren't they? BRENNAN: Booth, please- BOOTH: There they go... BRENNAN: (to kids) Oh, excuse me. Wait, wait. Wait. Will you just take a look at these pictures and tell me if you recognise anyone? STREET KID #1: Give me five bucks, and I'll tell you. BOOTH: Five bucks... BRENNAN: Booth, please. (she hands him a $5) Here you go. (Booth smiles and shakes his head, amused.) So, who is it? STREET KID #1: It's his sister. But hold it this way, right? 'Cause the only time anyone ever sees his sister is on her back. BRENNAN: Yeah. I'm assuming this isn't your sister? STREET KID #1: No, it is! BRENNAN: Okay, I'd like my money back. BOOTH: Well, there they go. Bye. Mhm. That really worked, now, didn't it, huh? Great. BRENNAN: They just took my money for nothing. BOOTH: Well, ya know, that's because they're exploited, you know, misunderstood... (They see a woman in front of a van handing something, that appears to be drugs, to a young girl.) BOOTH: Oh, you gotta be kidding me, huh? I mean, geez, they could at least wait until my back is turned, right? BRENNAN: What? BOOTH: FBI. Hands in the air. KATIE: Cops! (A man steps out from behind the woman) KEVIN DUNCAN: There's no problem here! No problem at all! (calling back to the girl who ran) Katie! BOOTH: Uh, I'll cover you. Go see what they're dealing, Bones. BRENNAN: Wait, ugh, I hate this part where you stand with a gun and I have to go do the looking. BOOTH: Bones, I got you covered. Just go. (She walked over to the van and looks inside.) BOOTH: (to the couple) What are you selling? What do they got there, Bones? What do you got, huh? What is it? BRENNAN: Ibuprofen, uh, multivitamin. I think these are sandwiches. And condoms. (Time cut to: Fran and Kevin Duncan are standing in front of the van, talking to Booth and Brennan) KEVIN: Franny and I have been doing this for years. FRAN: Sandwiches, clothing, vitamins. Some basic hygiene supplies for homeless kids. BRENNAN: (to Booth) You must be really embarrassed.. BOOTH: Hey, you know what? It was suspicious behavior, alright. And besides, they're - it's not like they're - are you social workers? KEVIN: Nope. BOOTH: They aren't social workers. BRENNAN: They're good Samaritans. BOOTH: Well, I apologized, okay? FRAN: Do you know how long it takes to gain some trust around here? Make a scene like this, and these kids won't talk to us for weeks. BOOTH: Oh, good. Maybe you can do us a favor in return. (to Brennan) Show him the picture. BRENNAN: We're looking for someone. A girl. FRAN: (looks at the picture) Dylan and Kelly. BOOTH: Yeah. That's right. FRAN: We haven't seen them around here in a couple of weeks. BRENNAN: Dylan is dead. We found him in a garbage truck that services this area. KEVIN: My God. What happened? BOOTH: Well, that's what we're trying to figure out. FRAN: Warehouse. KEVIN: Yup. Come with us. (Cut to: Warehouse. Booth and Brennan are led by Kevin) BRENNAN: What is this place? KEVIN: A squat. FRAN: Everyone of these old factories houses junkies and squatters KEVIN: Yeah and kids with nowhere else to go. BOOTH: What'd this building used to be? FRAN: Plumbing supply, I think. BRENNAN: Pipes. BOOTH: Bones? Dylan, right? (The camera pans down on a memorial set up outside the building. There is book there. Romeo & Juliet. Brennan leans over to pick it up.) BRENNAN: It's obviously a kind of shrine. (Brennan opens the book. The inscription inside the book says "To my Juliet from your Romeo. Love, Dylan") FRAN: It's something the kids do for each other when somebody dies. BOOTH: Still could be traces of Dylan's blood on the concrete. I'll call the crime scene unit. BRENNAN: Tell them to start on the fifth floor. BOOTH: Why? BRENNAN: Because the injuries show that's how far he fell. (Glass shatters. A boy runs past them. Booth and Brennan take off after him.) BOOTH: Hey, hey, hey! That's Dylan's school jacket! BRENNAN: We're not gonna hurt you! (she grabs the jacket and pushes him to the ground) Okay. I hurt you a little bit but that's only because you ran. (the boy spits at her) ACT III (Cut to: Inside the warehouse. Booth and Brennan are talking with Carter, the kid they chased down outside.) CARTER: You can't ask me nothing without a social worker. I know my rights. BOOTH: I'm not questioning you. We're just- we're talking, okay? Here, want some gum? CARTER: Yeah. Like that's gonna make me trust you. (he hesitates, but then takes a piece of gum) You know, I'm just asking your name. CARTER: C. BRENNAN: Does that stand for anything? CARTER: Carter. I'm not saying if that's my first or my last name. BOOTH: Why'd you run? CARTER: Because this lady was chasing me. BRENNAN: Because you ran. CARTER: Yeah. It's a brain twister. BOOTH: You know that sweatshirt you're wearing belongs to a kid by the name of Dylan Crane. CARTER: Never heard of him. BRENNAN: Where did you get it? CARTER: (he takes off the jacket) I'm done with the hoodie. You guys can have it. (he hands it to Brennan) BOOTH: What's with the, uh, names on the inside of your forearm there? What does that mean? (On Carter's wrist, the following names are shown: Warren, Weiss, Harvey, Monro.) CARTER: Guys I killed. BRENNAN: It's a list of foster homes. Ones that threw him out. CARTER: Sometimes getting thrown out is- BRENNAN: (finishing his sentence) It's the best thing that can happen. I know. CARTER: You were in the system? (she nods) Booth, the sunglasses? They're the same ones that Dylan was wearing in the photograph. BOOTH: (takes the sunglasses) These, huh? Top of the line. How can you afford these? CARTER: You don't want to know. Can I go now? BOOTH: No. Child Services in on the way. CARTER: I tell you something you let me go? BOOTH: Try me. CARTER: You want to know what happened to Dylan and Kelly? Check out the sandwich pervs. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: FBI. Booth and Brennan are walking down the hallway to Booth's office) BOOTH: Fran Duncan's clean. Great record in the community. But Kevin Duncan? The kid got it right. I mean, he's a perv. Inside three times on "solicitation of a minor" charges. BRENNAN: Boys or girls? BOOTH: Girls. He's a traditionalist. BRENNAN: (sighs) So, he went after Kelly. BOOTH: Yeah, and the white knight from the suburbs steps in, gets conked with a pipe and tossed out the window. BRENNAN: And Kelly goes into hiding. BOOTH: Unless he got her too. So what do you want to do next? BRENNAN: Hmm. That's up to Cam, isn't it? BOOTH: No, Bones. I asked you. What do you want to do? BRENNAN: I think - I think we shouldn't close off any avenue of investigation. We stay on all the evidence and see where it leads us. Like we did before Cam. BOOTH: Okay. (Brennan reaches over and takes a candy out of a jar on Booth's desk) BOOTH: DO you have a list like Carter? BRENNAN: Of foster families that didn't work out? Yeah. We all did. I wrote mine on a bottom of a shoe. BOOTH: Oh. You know, they say with foster kids, they're really hard on themselves. BRENNAN: They? BOOTH: Yeah. Experts, psychologists, like that. Apparently, foster kids feel so alone in this mean world, they lose that knack of trusting other people. BRENNAN: You mean at work? BOOTH: Uh, everywhere. You know, the weight of the world. It's - It's just profound. They say that they, uh, have a hard time letting themselves off the hook. They - they grow up with control issues. BRENNAN: Are you telling me something, Booth? BOOTH: No. I'm just saying something to keep in consideration when we catch up with Kelly Morris. BRENNAN: Okay... BOOTH: If you decide to take some other wisdom out of it, none of my business. BRENNAN: How Cam and I get along is none of your business. BOOTH: Yeah. Right. Which I just said. Said just then - none of my business. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Hodgins work area. Hodgins is examining a slide when Angela approaches.) ANGELA: Is there anything I can do? HODGINS: Hey, this schematic is great, Angela. All the pipes are numbered and located. Meanwhile, I have hundreds of rust samples and I've covered, mmm, maybe a quarter of the crime scene. ANGELA: Ugh. HODGINS: Yeah. On the good side, that is definitely the window that Dylan Crane exited as he fell. Leaded glass is a match. ANGELA: It's a strange place for two people in love to end up. HODGINS: What? A forensics lab? ANGELA: No. A squat. In an abandoned pipe factory. HODGINS: Right. Yes, right. ANGELA: What were you talking about? HOEGINS: Just Cam and Booth, you know, of course. ANGELA: Oh, yeah. HODGINS: Given their - their history. ANGELA: Mmm. (They both look at each other, uncomfortably) HODGINS: Tension, party of two. (Angela walks away.) HODGINS: Great. Great. (groans) Okay. (Cut to: FBI - Interrogation Room. Booth is interrogation Kevin.) KEVIN: All my mistakes were made before I met Fran. Then I fell in love. Love changes everything. BOOTH: Your wife know about these mistakes? KEVIN: Of course. We have no secrets. I got counseling. I'm still in counseling. I'm out there on the street making amends everyday. BOOTH: Passing out sandwiches and aspirin and condoms to street kids? KEVIN: Yeah. I have no direct contact with the kids. Fran does. I make the sandwiches. I drive. Insure my wife's safety. That's a tough part of town. BOOTH: And your past is all in the past? KEVIN: No. That's with me everyday. BOOTH: Yeah. (he pulls photos out of a photo and place them in front of Kevin) Miranda Tyler, Susan Price, Laura Costello. All these girls say that you traded sandwiches for s*x in the past six months. KEVIN: Well, they're street kids. They lie. BOOTH: Yeah... KEVIN: These girls came on to me. And they wanted money. When I rejected them, they got angry. BOOTH: We catch up with Kelly Morris, is she gonna say the same thing? (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Cam's Office. Brennan, Angela and Cam are reviewing evidence.)CAM: Hairbrush from Kelly's room provided her DNA. The nail polish from her room also matches the nailpolish we found in the scratch marks on the victim's arm. BRENNAN: It doesn't mean she pushed him out the window. ANGELA: If he finds it, and it matches the rust found in the scratch marks then we can tie Kelly to the weapon. CAM: Oh, young love. You pour your soul out to some pimple-faced jock with a great body and the emotional maturity of an 11-year old, only to get your heart broken in the back of a red Camero. ANGELA: Remember that first slow dance? CAM: (laughing) Oh, God. ANGELA: Some horrible power ballad. CAM: Oh, that special boy with a pipe in his pocket. ANGELA: Oh, God. Lewis Cole. Mmm. He was a drummer. He had this hair. It was- BRENNAN: (raising her hand) Wait, excuse me? Marching to the beat of a different drummer here. I'd like Hodgins to identity the species of rose found in Dylan Crane's hand. CAM: What can that possibly tell us? BRENNAN: I won't know until he identifies it. CAM: I prefer he keeps looking for the pipe. It could have Kevin Dylan's DNA on it. (Blooper - should have been Kevin Duncan's DNA) BRENNAN: Which will prove only that Kevin Duncan struck Dylan, not that he killed him. I want Hodgins on that rose. CAM: It's my call. No. BRENNAN: (scoffs) I can't work like this. CAM: Are you telling me I should start looking for your replacement? ANGELA: Dr. Saroyan, I don't want to be overly dramatic or anything but if you lose Brennan, you lose us all. CAM: Really? ANGELA: Really. And Booth too. CAM: In the interest of this investigation, I'm going to defer to you, Dr. Brennan. BRENNAN: Thank you. ANGELA: Thank you. CAM: But I will start the search for your replacement. (Cut to: FBI - Booth's office.) FBI AGENT: Agent Booth? BOOTH: Yeah? (An FBI Agent appears with Alex in the doorway) FBI AGENT: This young man says he has information he won't tell anyone but you. BOOTH: Alright, thanks. I got it. Come on it, Alex. Have a seat. (sighs) You want a coke or anything. ALEX: No. You a big shot? BOOTH: (scoffs) Uh, yeah. (points to name plate) Look at that, huh? Special Agent in Charge, Seeley Booth. (Alex laughs) So, how'd you get here? ALEX: Bus. Kelly called me. On the phone. BOOTH: What'd she say? ALEX: That she's okay. And that we'll be together. Soon. BOOTH: Did she say where she was? (Alex shakes his head no.) Did she know about Dylan? About being dead? ALEX: Yeah. She couldn't stop crying about it. She had to hang up. I think she's lying. I think she's never coming back (he starts to cry, stands up and hugs Booth) BOOTH: Hey, it's okay, Alex. Alright? Everything's gonna be okay. ALEX: I think I'm all along now. BOOTH: No. Hey, look. Hey, man. You're never gonna be alone, okay? Alright, we know for certain that Kelly is alive. And I promise we're gonna find your sister. Okay? Alright. Let's get out of here. I'll give you a ride home. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Autopsy Bay. Booth enters. Cam is already there.) BOOTH: I got your call. CAM: It was urgent. Why didn't you answer? BOOTH: I was busy. What's so important? (Cam steps back to reveal a dead body) BOOTH: Kevin Duncan. CAM: Single gunshot wound to the chest. You're just in time for the autopsy. (Time cut to: Cam opening the body. Zack is assisting.)CAM: Feeling queasy, Zack? ZACK: I'm not used to bodies looking so much like actual human beings. (she starts to cut into the bone with the saw. Booth groans.) ZACK: Since this man was just killed and there's plenty of flesh, how is my presence beneficial? (She pulls out a bone from the rib cage with a bullet lodged in it and places it in a tray) ZACK: The number six rib. CAM: The bullet passed through his vital organs and lodged in the rear curvature. Get it out. (Zack nods and walks away) BOOTH: So, you're thinking the perv kills Romeo and Juliet kills the pervert. CAM: Street smart kid like Kelly Morris would have no trouble getting her hands on a gun. BOOTH: Mhm. CAM: Booth, if Dr. Brennan were to quit- BOOTH: What? CAM: If she were to leave the Jeffersonian- BOOTH: Well, the squints would flee this institution like the French Army. CAM: And you? BOOTH: Well, I do as I'm ordered. CAM: No, you don't, Seeley. BOOTH: Okay, here we go. What's going on, Camille? CAM: What if I fired her? What would you do? BOOTH: I'm with Bones, Cam. All the way. Don't doubt it for a second. (Hodgins enters) HODGINS: Meet the English Alba Rose. Climbing varietal. Nonexistent in the United States. Some say, it was the rose by any other name Shakespeare wrote about. BOOTH: And we give a rat's ass because... HODGINS: It's what Dylan Crane was clutching in his cold, dead hand. CAM: So what? He was killed by Hamlet? HODGINS: Wrong play. It's more likely he paid a visit to the rose wing of the United States Botanic Garden. CAM: When it comes to bugs, slime, crud and compost, you're the man. (he bows and laughs as he leaves.) BOOTH: Look, Cam. Maybe you just got off on the wrong foot with this case with Brennan because uh, she was a foster kid. CAM: Oh. (she sighs) Why didn't she tell me? BOOTH: She doens't do that. (clears throat and starts heading to the door but stops.) Oh, by the way, I didn't just tell you that. (Cam nods) (Cut to: United Stated Botanic Garden. Hodgins and Booth are there along with other cops) HODGINS: United Stated Botanic Garden falls under the supervision of the Architect of the Capitol. BOOTH: I really don't care. HODGINS: The architect is also responsible for maintaining the grounds of the United States Capitol. BOOTH: (to a cop) You seen either of these two kids? HODGINS: It's open every day of the year to the citizens of these United States. BOOTH: Which way to the Romeo and Juliet roses? HODGINS: It's over there where Kelly Morris is standing. Oh. (They both see Kelly Morris standing on the bridge) BOOTH: Oh, Bones was right. Okay, go distract her. HODGINS: Well, hey. Why me? BOOTH: Well, because apparently I look like a cop. HODGINS: What do I look like? BOOTH: What are you? My straight man? Go. (Hodgins walks over and approaches Kelly) HODGINS: Hey. (she turns to him) The United Stated Botanic Garden falls under the supervision of the, uh, Architect of the Capitol. KELLY: Get away from me, perv. BOOTH: Hello, Kelly. FBI, not a perv. (she starts to run, Hodgins blocks her) HODGINS: It's okay, we're just here to help. BOOTH: Not gonna hurt you. Just gotta talk about what happened to Dylan. KELLY: Dylan's dead. BOOTH: Were you there when Dylan died? KELLY: Was I there? Who do you think killed him? ACT VI (Cut to: FBI - Interrogation Room. Booth and Brennan are interrogating Kelly. Her lawyer, Diane Child, is there as well.) BOOTH: Why did you kill Dylan, Kelly? DIANE CHILD: Agent Booth.. BOOTH: Well, she already admitted to the murder, Ms. Child. DIANE CHILD: Actually, I believed she asked "Who do you think killed him?" It's an ambitious question. KELLY: Oh, I killed him. I did it. Because he broke a promise to me. BRENNAN: The promise to stay with you? KELLY: He tossed me a couple hundred bucks and told me he was going to college. That we couldn't see each other anymore. BOOTH: What'd you do? KELLY: I pushed him out a window. It was kind of an accident, right? What do you call it? A crime of passion? BRENNAN: You pushed him out the window? KELLY: Yes. BRENNAN: And he was conscious at the time? KELLY: Yeah. He screamed, okay? BOOTH: What then? KELLY: I ran away. BRENNAN: No, Kelly. You didn't. You went down to the alley and you wrapped Dylan in linen. And then you put a rose from the Botanic Garden in his hand. The Romeo and Juliet rose. BOOTH: You know, it's a strange thing to do right after you murder someone. KELLY: Well, I'm pretty screwed up. Didn't you hear? BRENNAN: Someone shot Kevin Duncan. He's dead. KELLY: The sandwich guy? BOOTH: We're thinking that the two deaths were connected. KELLY: (sighs) Fine. Yeah, I killed him too. BOOTH: She killed him too. DIANE CHILD: Okay, I'd prefer we not pursue this line of questioning. (Cut to: Royal Diner. Booth and Brennan are eating.) BOOTH: Well, she confessed. BRENNAN: She got it wrong. She forgot about the pipe. BOOTH: She said they fought. BRENNAN: She's lying. BOOTH: (sighs) You know, I'm just trying to think of a situation so bad where a girl would confess to a murder to try and get out of it. That's just- (Fran Duncan approaches their table) FRAN: Agent Booth. Dr. Brennan. BRENNAN: Mrs. Duncan. BOOTH: You want to sit down? Have a cup of coffee? FRAN: No, thank you. BRENNAN: I'm sorry for your loss. FRAN: Did Kelly Morris kill Dylan? BOOTH: Well, she confessed. FRAN: And now you think she killed my husband as well? BRENNAN: It's very possible. I'd believe that before I believed she killed Dylan. FRAN: Kelly shouldn't take the blame. (She reaches in her purse and pulls out a gun and places it on the table.) You'll find one bullet missing. BOOTH: You're confessing to your husband's murder? FRAN: He used me to get close to young girls. I don't know how many though the years. BOOTH: (stands and places handcuffs on Fran) Frances Duncan. You're under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. BRENNAN: Thank you. BOOTH: You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney on will be - (to Brennan) Pick up the gun. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab. Forensics Platform.) CAM: Ballistics confirms that the bullet that killed Kevin Duncan came from Fran Duncan's gun. ZACK: Case closed. CAM: On Kevin Duncan, definitely. And since Kelly Morris has confessed- BRENNAN: No, she didn't do it. CAM: What evidence do you have of that. HODGINS: How about this? Specimen 268 - "right corner of the room" schematic. ANGELA: You are good. HODGINS: Oh, you have no idea. ZACK: Are you having a moment? (Both Angela and Hodgins give him a look) BRENNAN: Well, how does finding the pipe prove that Kelly Morris is lying? HODGINS: How does her confession not include the murder weapon? BRENNAN: Now, for the last time, the pipe is not the murder weapon. Dylan Crane died from a 50 foot fall. CAM: Can you run the scenerio through your magic holographic crystal ball thingy?ANGELA: Too many variables. But I have another idea. (Time cut: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform. Everyone is gathered.) ANGELA: Okay. Booth, you're Dylan Crane. BOOTH: Okay, you know what? I'm out the door. BRENNAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa. (Brennan blocks his escape and pushes him back) ANGELA: Cam? CAM: Kelly Morris, right. BOOTH: Okay, I feel stupid. ANGELA: Okay, you two. You are young. You are in love. You're about to break up. But this is very tragic. It's very emotionally fraught. BRENNAN: Kelly Morris says she argued with Dylan and pushed him out the window. CAM: She pushed him then tried to save him by grabbing his arm? HODGINS: That would explain the fingernail polish and the scratch but- (Flash back to Kelly grabbing Dylan's arm) ZACK: - not the oxidized iron. ANGELA: Kelly would have had to strike him with the pipe from behind (Brennan turns Booth around so that his back is to Cam) and then drive him through the glass. BOOTH: (He turns back around) But she said they were arguing face to face. He would have seen her coming. BRENNAN: That means there had to be a third person. Someone who snuck up behind him. ANGELA: Guys, I need a Kevin Duncan. HODGINS: I'll do it. Kelly already called me a perv, so I have my motivation. BRENNAN: So Kevin strikes Dylan with the pipe - (flashback to Kevin striking Dylan) (Hodgins stand behind Booth with the pipe, pretending to hit him) BOOTH: (to Hodgins) Careful. BRENNAN: Which moves him forward. ANGELA: Kelly grabs the pipe away from him. But Dylan is losing consciousness. BRENNAN: (grabbing a hold of Booth's arm) He didn't have to throw Dylan out the window. He could've simply pushed him. (Hodgins pushes Booth) BOOTH: (to Hodgins) Easy. CAM: Kelly grabs his arm- (Cam grabs Booth's arm, flashback to Kelly grabbing Dylan's arm) BRENNAN: To save him. HODGINS: Which would put fingernails and rust in the wound. BRENNAN: But she can't hold him and he falls. (flashback to Dylan falling through the window and Kelly screaming. Booth falls to the floor.) BOOTH: Whoa. CAM: Well, that theory explains the physical evidence. BRENNAN: Except why Kelly would confess to a murder to protect Kevin Duncan. ANGELA: She's afraid of him. BRENNAN: But she knows he's dead. BOOTH: Guys. There's only two people in this world that Kelly Morris would cover for. One of them went out that window. (Cut to: FBI - Interrogation Room.Brennan is sitting with Kelly and her lawyer as Booth watches from the Observation Room.) BRENNAN: We know you didn't kill Dylan. KELLY: I did too. DIANE CHILD: Kelly, I don't want you to admit to anything more, alright? BRENNAN: No. You didn't. We can prove there was a third person there. The third person that hit Dylan with the pipe and when you took away the pipe - pushed him through the glass. KELLY: No, it was just me. I hit him with the pipe. I pushed him through the glass. BRENNAN: No. You grabbed his arm. You tried to save him. KELLY: No. (Brennan pauses for a minute and looks towards Booth, then continues) BRENNAN: Dylan made you feel like you weren't alone in this world, right? He was sweet to you? He took so much weight off your shoulders. He was good to Alex. And when Dylan said that you'd be together, you believed him. KELLY: Yes. Yes, I believed him. BRENNAN: And when Suzanne couldn't take care of both you and Alex, you had an idea. Run away with Dylan. Maybe Suzanne will keep Alex and everybody would be happy. KELLY: Dylan loved me. BRENNAN: I know. KELLY: But I didn't tell Alex. He just - (she starts to cry) He just - he thought that Dylan was trying to take me away from him forever. I - I did it all wrong. It's not - it's not Alex's fault. It's my fault. BRENNAN: Kelly. You're 15 years old. This is not your fault. The weight of the world is not on your shoulders. And we can't let you pay for what Alex did. (Cut to: FBI - Main Office. Brennan brings Kelly out and meets up with Alex, Booth, Diane and Suzanne. Kelly goes up to Alex and hugs him) KELLY: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't tell them. (Alex pulls back) They just - they just knew. ALEX: It's okay. Sorry about Dylan. (She starts crying and pulls Alex towards her again. After a few seconds, Booth takes Alex away. Kelly is left standing with Brennan, looking on.) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab- Angela's office. Angela is working on her laptop when Hodgins enters and places a single white rose on her desk. She looks up, they lock eyes for a moment and then he leaves. She looks after him as he goes.) (Cut to: Royal Diner. Brennan enters and sees Cam sitting alone at one of the tables. She approaches her.) BRENNAN: You were right about the pipe. CAM: You were right about the rose. BRENNAN: Could I sit for a moment? CAM: I wish you'd eat some of these fries. Save me from myself. (Brennan sits) They're really good with garlic mayonnaise. BRENNAN: We have a problem. CAM: Uh, huh. Do you see a solution? BRENNAN: It's not completely my fault. I was a foster child and apparently, Booth says that - Booth says that I have - Well, something about control issues and the weight of the world. CAM: That sounds like Booth. BRENNAN: I think he meant that if I'm going to share responsibility for these cases, I'm going to have to learn to stop controlling everything too. Does that make sense? Psychology's not - I really - I really hate psychology. CAM: Not everyone's brain works as fast as yours. I have to mull sometimes. Are - are you familiar with that concept? BRENNAN: Yes. I just always thought it was a waste of time. (Cam laughs) CAM: I'm in charge. But out of respect for you, I could extend - Did you ever play Monolopy? BRENNAN: No. CAM: Well, they have this thing called a 'Get out of jail free' card. Think of it as a free pass to defy me. No explanation needed. No recriminations. No repercussions. BRENNAN: Well, how - how many would I get? CAM: One a week. BRENNAN: Five per case. CAM: Three per week. (Brennan thinks for a minute, then reaches over and shakes Cam's hand) BRENNAN: Booth told you I was a foster kid, didn't he? CAM: Okay, yes. He did. But he did it with a good heart and I'd really appreciate it if you didn't let him know. Please. BRENNAN: He's gonna know that you told me the second he sees us together. CAM: It's true. He's awful like that. BRENNAN: He reads people the way you read pathology reports or I read bones. CAM: Oh, God. I know. I hate him. Well, I don't really. BRENNAN: I know. Me either. (Brennan reaches for a fry.) I will take you up on this. CAM: Would you, please. (The camera pulls back as the two women continue to talk.) END.

Plan: A: the trash; Q: What do Brennan and her team dig through to find clues? A: a young man; Q: Who was found wrapped in a shroud? A: garbage; Q: What is the young man found among? A: Angela; Q: Who is able to identify the deceased boy? A: Cam; Q: Who threatens to fire Brennan? A: Kelly; Q: Who is the main suspect in the murder? A: the foster system; Q: What is Brennan a product of? A: power; Q: What do Brennan and Cam struggle for? A: work styles; Q: What do Brennan and Cam disagree on? A: Jeffersonian; Q: What is the name of the team? Summary: Brennan and her team dig through the trash to find clues when a young man wrapped in a shroud is found among garbage. After Angela is able to identify the deceased boy, Cam quickly assumes the main suspect to be the boy's girlfriend, Kelly, who is a product of the foster system. Brennan is hurt by this as she is also a product of the foster system. Meanwhile, things get tense when Brennan and Cam struggle for power in their disagreement on work styles. Cam threatens to fire Brennan even if it costs her the whole Jeffersonian team.

Act 1 Scene 1 - KACL [Fade in. Frasier is on the air with a caller, Roz is at her console.] Frasier: Despite your healthy teen skepticism, Jeremy, problems that seem crushing now can actually serve to shape your life in positive ways later on. Jeremy: [voice over] You're just saying that. Frasier: No, well, I'll tell you what, perhaps I can convince you with a story. I recall a young man who suffered from involuntary bedwetting until he was twelve years old. Or was it thirteen? Boy, you'd think I'd remember, I slept in the lower bunk. The point is, it was very difficult for him, what with the alarms, and the bladder stretching exercises and the incessant teasing he suffered once his schoolmates found out. Jeremy: [v.o.] How'd they find out? Frasier: [guiltily] The point I'm trying to make here is that this man today is a prominent and respected psychiatrist. And you see, his affliction served to make him stronger, more empathic, and extremely hygenic. So, hang in there, Jeremy. Jeremy: [v.o.] Okay. Thanks Dr. Crane. [He hangs up.] Frasier: Thank you. And thank you, listeners. This is Dr. Frasier Crane saying good day and good mental health. [He shuts down, rises and takes off his headset as Roz comes in from her side.] Roz: That was...kind of brave to admit you were a bed wetter. Frasier: Oh, Roz, pay attention! That was Niles, not me. You know, I've got to run. I'm still putting the finishing touches on my speech for the Boston conference. Roz: Did you come up with a title? Frasier: Yes. As a matter of fact, Niles will be introducing me on "Notes for a Critical Approach to Radio As Mediating Gateway in the Process of Psychological Demystification". Roz: Good speech, what's the title? Frasier: It promises to be a fun family weekend for all, actually. So what have you got planned for the weekend? Roz: Actually, my sorority sisters are coming in for a visit. Frasier: Oh, I suppose you'll be sharing the secret handshake, doing skits, that sort of thing. Roz: Yeah, right. Only problem is, my apartment is just too small for everyone to stay in, and HEY your place will be empty! Frasier: Say no more, Roz. No. Roz: Why not? Frasier: Look, I'm sorry, Roz, it's just the idea of strangers in my apartment. I couldn't sleep. Roz: I'm sorry I asked. [He heads for the door, then turns back and pulls a piece of paper from his pocket.] Frasier: No apologies necessary. Oh, oh, Roz, that reminds me: since you're going to be walking Eddie for Dad anyway, I wrote down a list of a couple of other things you can do for me. [She takes the list and reads it.] Roz: Pick up the mail and newspapers, water the fichus, fluff your pillows? Frasier: Yes, and oh, please, don't forget to mist my bedroom with rose water. It likes it best at dusk. [He hurries out as she watches, a disgusted look on her face. Fade out.] Scene 2 - Logan Airport AND IT TOOK FIVE DAYS TO CARVE A JACK O'LANTERN Frasier: Oh, I love returning to Boston. There's just something in the air. [Fade in. Frasier, Niles, Daphne and Martin are coming in from the gate area.] Niles: Perhaps the toxic gas spewing from your gigantic mouth. Frasier: Oh, Niles, please, will you just let it go? I didn't mention your name. Niles: Oh, no, you just said it was someone with whom you shared a bunk bed who is now a psychiatrist. I'd say that narrows the field down to... hmm, me! Frasier: But only to someone who knows that you're my brother. And who would that be? Niles: My patients. Martin: The guys at work. Daphne: One of the flight attendants. Niles: What? Oh, so that's why she looked at me that way when I told her I spilled my drink. Martin: Would you guys come on? I wanna see my bag come down the chute. Frasier: All right, Dad. [They grab their rolling bags and start walking down the hallway.] Niles: You can forget about my introducing your talk. Frasier: Oh, Niles, you can't be serious. Niles: I wouldn't even be here if Daphne didn't want to see Boston. Daphne: Yes, I do. So you two make up and let's go get one of those famous Boston lobsters. Niles: No, it's Maine that's famous for lobsters, sweetheart. Boston is famous for beans. Daphne: Beans? What kind of a city brags about bloody beans? [From the bar they are passing, Frasier recognizes the familiar voice of Cliff Clavin.] Cliff: Oh, that's right, your common pumpkin was once six hundred times the size of your present day variety, thereby allowing the entire fiefdom to feast all winter on the meat of a single seed. Frasier: Cliff Clavin! Cliff: Frasier. You old dog, how ya doin'? [He comes over and they hug.] Frasier: Good to see you. Say hello to the family. This is my brother Niles Crane. Cliff: Oh, heya Niles. Frasier: His fiancee Daphne Moon. Cliff: Enchante. Frasier: And this is my dad, Martin Crane. Cliff: Hey, Marty. Martin: Nice to meet a fellow civil servant. Cliff: Oh, you one of the brotherhood, are you? Martin: I was a cop for thirty years. Cliff: Oh, couldn't pass the mail carrier's exam, huh? You know what, I can't believe you brought your entire family here for my retirement party. Frasier: Well, actually... Cliff: You know, when I didn't get your RS si vous plait, I figured you weren't gonna show up. But you son of a gun, you wanted to surprise me, didn't you? Frasier: Well, yes. Surprise. Cliff: You know what, I gotta go meet Ma's plane. She's bringing in ten gallons of punch. [He starts to walk off.] Cliff: See you guys tonight, eight o'clock sharp. Frasier: At Cheers? Cliff: On, no, no, no. Sammy's got it booked for a Red Socks reunion tonight. We're gonna be at the Somerville Town Crier. [He hands Frasier a slip of paper.] Frasier: Oh. [He looks at it as Cliff walks away again.] Niles: Why did you do that? This is our one free night, I had to pull a lot of strings to get dinner reservations at L'Espalier. Frasier: Oh, Niles, you saw how thrilled he was, I couldn't say no. Besides, it'll be a chance for me to see my old friends again. I mean, these people are an important part of my past. They were there for me when I needed friends most. Niles: How about if we move the reservation back half an hour? Frasier: Oh, that should be plenty. [They gather their bags and walk off again. Fade out.] Scene 3 - Somerville Town Crier [Fade in. The room is set up with tables and a bar for Cliff's retirement party. Frasier comes in with the others in tow.] Frasier: Ha, hello, everybody! [Everyone makes sounds of greeting. Carla, the waitress from Cheers, comes over to hug him.] [N.B. Rhea Perlman's sister, Heide, writes for "Frasier," including this episode; in addition, their father Philip reprises his role from "Cheers" as Phil, a barfly.] Carla: Oh, Frasier, Frasier! Look at you. I forgot how big your head is. Frasier: Carla, you haven't changed a bit. This is my family. Cliff: Hey, everybody, why don't you try some deviled eggs. I used Ma's special recipe: water instead of mayonnaise. Frasier: No thanks. [Martin takes one. Paul, one of the regulars from the bar, comes in.] Paul: Hey, Fraizh! Frasier: Paul, how ya doing? Cliff: Paul, how'd you find out about this? Paul: I live here, I just came down for some ice. Cliff: Well, stay out of the way. Paul: Can do. [Norm Peterson, Cliff's best friend, comes in.] Norm: Evenin', everybody. Everyone: NORM! [Norm walks to the end of the bar and sits on a stool.] Cliff: Hey, so what's goin' down, Norm? Norm: My blood-alcohol level. [grabbing a beer] Suds, do your work! [Frasier laughs and Norm looks up.] Norm: Frasier's here? [He gets up and greets Frasier.] Frasier: Hey Norm, how ya doin'? Cliff: He brought his whole family, Norm. Frasier: Yeah, yeah, say hi to my brother Niles and his fiancee Daphne Moon and that's my Dad there, Martin Crane. [They all shake.] Martin: Wow, that's some mug callous you've got there. Norm: Judging from your grip, I'd say you were a can man. Martin: Guilty as charged. Norm: All right, well, have a seat. Martin: Thanks. [He sits down.] Norm: Listen, uh Cliffy. Vera would have been here, so I didn't tell her about it. [Cliff waves in acknowledgement.] Frasier: Yes, Vera is Norm's much storied wife. Niles: Oh, that sounds fascinating. Let me know when we're leaving. Frasier: Right. Niles: [to Daphne] We're never going to get out of here in half an hour, why don't you and I just go? Daphne: Niles, don't be rude. These are your brother's friends, just try and loosen up. [Cliff comes over.] Cliff: Hey, that's quite a suit you got there, buddy boy. It what, cost over a hundred I bet, huh? [He grabs Niles arm and pulls him to a table.] Cliff: Hey, Paul, Paul, here, feel this suit. [Paul reaches out and feels the material. A man comes over.] Phil: I'm next after Paul. Cliff: Yeah, get in here. [They continue to test the material of his suit as Niles looks helpless. Cut to - Frasier over at the bar.] Frasier: So, Carla, how've you been? Carla: Well, two of my kids are in jail, the bank's about to foreclose on my house and, after tonight, I'm never gonna see Cliff Clavin again. Things are great! Frasier: [to the others] Carla was never really a fan of Cliff's. Carla: Yeah, not to talk the guy down, but he's a big blowhard who thinks he knows everything and never shuts up. Daphne: [deadpan] Imagine. [She drinks her wine as Frasier gives her a dirty look.] Martin: Hey, Norm, let me buy you a beer. [to bartender] Get a beer here? Norm: Where have you been all my life? [Martin laughs. Cut to - Cliff talking to Niles.] Cliff: Well, e-mail did hurt us, but you know, computer's gonna be dead in about five years anyway. Post Office will rise again, my friend, we'll rise again! Feel that. [He clenches his arm and offers it to Niles who just stares, dumbfounded.] Niles: Frasier! [Frasier comes over to rescue him.] Frasier: Hmm? Oh, say, Cliff, where's your mom? Cliff: Ah, Ma got on the wrong plane. She went to Bosnia. [Niles just turns and walks away.] Carla: Hey, Cliff, tell us more about how you're leaving. And tell it real slow. Quiet, everybody. Cliff: Well, Carla, tomorrow I'm gettin' on a plane and going to the promised land, Florida. Time to hang up my uniform and live in my Speedos. Carla: I didn't think anything could live in your Speedos. [She walks off.] Daphne: Aren't you a bit young to retire, Cliff? I'd be worried I'd become bored. Cliff: Oh, don't you worry about that, Missy. When I get down there to ol' Florida, I'm gonna buy myself an airboat. Give tours of the everglades, maybe wrestle a few crocodiles. Niles: That would be alligators. Cliff: Ah, common mistake there, Sparky. See, when a crocodile raises it's head, its nostrils get pinched shut tight, thereby cutting off its oxygen supply. Yeah, a baby could wrestle one. Daphne: That's fascinating. Did you know that, Niles? Niles: I, uh, I still don't. Excuse me Daphne. [He walks over to Frasier.] Niles: Frasier? Frasier: Hmm? Niles: If we're going to make our reservations, we're going to need to leave now. Frasier: Oh, is it that time already? Niles: Already? If I hear one more of that postman's crackpot theories, my head will explode. Frasier: Oh, Niles, don't worry about him, nobody takes him seriously. Daphne: I never knew there were so many letters in the dolphin alphabet. [Niles gives Frasier a sharp look.] Frasier: I see. Well, um, is Dad ready to go? Niles: Dad? Dad would be content to sit there swilling beer all night! Frasier: Well, you know, it seems like everyone is having such a good time, why don't we just push the reservation back another half an hour? Niles: Everyone ISN'T having a.. Paul: Fraizh? Sit down and tell us what it's like to be famous. Frasier: Well, sure Paul! [to Niles] Better make it an hour. [He sits down as Niles stands there frustrated. Fade out.] Act 2 [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 1 - Somerville Town Crier [Fade in. Martin and Norm are talking at the end of the bar.] Martin: The best thing is, on a summer's day, you open a cold one, and that foam runs down your hand and for a split second there, you're jealous of your own knuckles. Norm: Oh, yeah. I had no idea that you were a poet. Yeah, tell me the one about the bacon again. Martin: Which one? Norm: All of 'em. [Cut to - Niles sitting alone. Carla comes over and sits down.] Carla: Hey, white-bread. What could possibly be wrong on this most wonderful of nights? Niles: Oh, no offense, it's just we had reservations at one of the finest restaurants in Boston, and instead we're eating trail mix and drinking this... [he looks at the bottle] ...oh, dear God, it's just labeled "Wine". [Carla reaches over and taps Norm.] Carla: Hey, Norm, doesn't he remind you of Frasier? Say "indubitably". Niles: Must I? Norm: It's uncanny. Carla: Hey, remember that time you guys took Frasier on a snipe hunt? Norm: Yeah. Niles: What's a snipe hunt? Carla: That's when you take some unsuspecting dope out to bag snipe, which don't exist, and then you ditch 'em in the woods. Niles: That must have been completely humiliating for Frasier. Carla: Well, that's the point. Niles: Well, do you have any more of these stories? Carla: Only about a million. Niles: Oh, I don't have time for a million, just tell me the hundred worst. Norm: Okay, well, when Frasier first started coming to Cheers, he was really kind of a boob. Paul: Yeah, boob. [They all just stare at him until he becomes embarrassed.] Paul: Sorry. [He walks away. Cliff taps his glass.] Cliff: Everyone, attention. Mr. Twitchell has got something to say here. Twitchell: I'd like to propose a toast to Cliff Clavin. We were often adversaries, but he was a postman and I'll say this about him: he never developed a stoop. Mostly because he threw the big catalogs into the river. And even though he didn't strictly abide by the rules, especially 367 B Section 17... [The postal workers laugh.] Twitchell: Well, anyway, when all is said and done you have to ask what will the mail be without Cliff Clavin? Everyone: On time! Cliff: Twitchell, thank you very much. Phil: I just wanted to thank you, Cliff, for all the great times we had at Cheers. Cliff: Well, you were always there for me, Al. Phil: I'm Phil. Al's been dead for fourteen years, you dumb son of a bitch. Frasier: Well, you know, I hadn't planned on making a speech, so my remarks will have to be extemporaneous. Carla: I hope that means "dirty". Martin: Smart money's on "long". Frasier: It was about ten years ago when I too left Boston. But the kind wishes and outpouring of emotions from my friends remain fresh in my mind. I still remember Sam throwing me a lavish party and dubbing me the "Einstein of Cheers" against my modest protests that I was merely the Neils Bohr. Carla: You still are! Frasier: Carla, thank you. And then of course, Norm begging me to stay and that comical moment when Woody threw his arms around my leg and began to cry. Now another one of us is leaving this wonderful town. Good luck, Cliff. Everyone: Hear, hear. Norm: Great. I was gonna say "Good luck, Cliff." [He drinks his beer. Fade out.] Scene 2 - Somerville Town Crier OTHER NICKNAMES HE CONSIDERED WERE "TIGER" AND "THE DUKE" Frasier: Please hold our table, we'll be there in a half hour. [Fade in. Frasier is standing in the hallway outside the hall. Cliff comes through the doors.] Frasier: Cliff? Are you all right? Cliff: Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's just I gotta...whoo take a break from all that partyin'. [Frasier gives him a look.] Cliff: All right, you pried it out of me. My so called friends, they don't care about me. Frasier: Sure they do. Cliff: Ah, your toast in there brought home the ugly truth. When you left, everybody asked you to stay. I told these mullocks six months ago I was retiring. And not one single one of 'em has said anything like "I'm sure gonna miss you there, Big Shooter." or "Gee, I wish you could stick around, Big Shooter." Frasier: "Big Shooter"? Cliff: It's a nickname I once gave myself. Frasier: Well, Cliff, you know it's entirely possible that your friends are suffering from a kind of separation anxiety. They may find it difficult to admit to themselves that you are actually leaving. You know, I could have a little talk with them if you'd like. Cliff: Huh, what kind of hollow victory would that be? [He takes a breath.] Cliff: So, if I took a walk around the block would that give you enough time? Frasier: Sure! [Cliff heads our, Frasier goes back into the reception. Cut to - the hall as he enters.] Frasier: Everybody, uh, listen up. Cliff is going through kind of a crisis about leaving. Carla: No, no he's not! No crisis! Frasier: All I'm saying is that it would go a long way toward helping him if you could just let him know how much you're going to miss him. Tell him, you know, how sad you are that he's leaving. Norm: I don't know, Fraizh. Look, I'm his best friend, but I am no good at the mushy stuff. Frasier: Surely you can come up with a few words to say, Norm. Norm: Yeah, but what if he cries? What if he tries to hug me? What are people gonna think, two guys hugging? I, uh... [Carla comes up behind and grabs him by his hair.] Carla: Hey! You're gonna kiss him with tongue if that's what it takes to get rid of him. [Cliff comes back in.] Carla: Shh. Here he is. Everyone pretend that you like him. Frasier: Carla, we DO like him. Carla: Yeah, like that. [Paul stands up and clears his throat.] Paul: Um, I want to make a toast. Cliff, you've always been my role model. Cliff: Really? You mean that Paul? Paul: I sure do. Especially when it comes to the ladies. I'm sad you're going. Everyone: Yeah, hear, hear. Phil: Cliff, I will miss you too, you dumb son of a bitch! Everyone: Hear, hear! [Daphne rises.] Daphne: I haven't known you for very long, Cliff, but I've learned so much from you. I never knew that the Indians of the rain forest used to stretch out pig intestines and use it as a primitive telephone. Or that Winston Churchill invented the modern English muffin. You're a fascinating man. Good luck. [She hugs him.] Cliff: Oh, thank you, Daphne. [He keeps holding the hug tightly even as Daphne tries to break it.] Paul: He's smooth. Niles: Congratulations, Cliff. Stop that, stop it. [Niles pulls Daphne away. Carla nudges Norm.] Norm: Cliffy, we've been best friends for a long long time. We've done a lot of stuff together, most of it dumb. The rest of it boring. But it's like we have this connection, you know? I mean, somehow we know when we want to be dumb and when we want to be boring. To my best friend Cliff. [They all raise their glasses.] Everyone: To Cliff! [Cliff puts down his glass.] Cliff: Come here, you. [Norm looks trapped, but gets up and goes over to him. Cliff punches him on the arm. Norm punches back, then they trade a quick flurry of hand slaps and blocks. Norm goes back to his seat.] Frasier: Carla? Don't you have a few words to say? Carla: I sure do. Cliffy, I know that things haven't always been that great between us over the years, but being here tonight, makes me think about the effect that you've had on my life. I'd like to say that I'll miss you... I'd like to say that I'll miss you... Frasier: It's okay, Carla. Carla: I'd like to say that I'll miss you...but it sticks in my throat like your rotten deviled eggs! I hate your guts! The way you talk and talk and talk about nothing! The way you walk, your stupid white socks... Frasier: Carla! Carla: Back off, I'm toasting! The twenty years I've known you would have been less painful if I was covered with open sores and thrown into a pit with, with a bunch of diseased rats. But finally, you're leaving! I know I'm not as young as I used to be, but I can live again. I can live again! Finally, I can live! I can live! [She laughs manically, stopping to see everyone staring at her.] Carla: Anyway, God bless. Everyone: Hear, hear. Cliff: Well, I can't believe my ears. I heard Paul and Norm there sayin' all those nice things about me, I actually started thinkin' maybe I shouldn't go to Florida, leave all my friends. You know, am I doin' the right thing? But when I heard you speak those words, Carla, that's when I decided. I am gonna stay! Carla: What? Cliff: That's right, you little dickens. You only joke about somebody like that when you really care for them. Carla: I wasn't joking! I really hate you! Cliff: Carla, come on, you're gonna make me cry. Everyone, the move is off! Carla: No! No! No! [She attacks him and the others pull her off. Cliff laughs.] Cliff: Oh, Frasier, I owe this all to you. Carla: Frasier! We were so close and then you had to show up and ruin everything! [The others drag her out the door.] Frasier: Well, we've got dinner reservations... Cliff: Hey, everybody, thanks for all the gifts, but I don't have much use for a spear gun here in Boston. [Carla comes rushing back in.] Carla: Give me that! Give me that! [She grabs it and tries to take it way, but Cliff hangs on as the others grab her again and carry her out once more.] Carla: Give me that! I want that! I have use for that! No! Let me go! [After she's gone, Frasier turns to Cliff.] Frasier: Well, see you around, Big shooter. [They shake.] Cliff: Thanks Doc. Daphne: Good luck Cliff. Anytime you're in Seattle... Niles: Frasier has an extra room. [Paul pulls at the nap of his jacket again. Niles slaps his hands away and hurries Daphne out.] Norm: Marty, you're not going too, are you? Martin: Yeah, I have to. But hey, why don't you come to Seattle sometime? I'll show you around, have a few beers at McGinty's. Norm: Yeah? You mean that? Martin: Absolutely, it's only six hours flying time from here. Norm: Six hours...you know sittin' there in one place, never movin'. That's, that's just not me, you know? Martin: Yeah, all right. [They shake and Martin heads out. Cut to - the hallway where Frasier and the others are getting their coats.] Frasier: Listen, I'm sorry that I ruined your evening. Niles: Oh, actually, I ended up rather enjoying myself. Frasier: Really? I can't tell you how happy I am to hear that. I knew that once you met these people you'd learn to love them as I do. Niles: Actually, I've rethought a lot of things. I'm going to give you a much deserved introduction at that conference tomorrow. Frasier: Are you certain? Niles: Oh, you won't be able to stop me. [Frasier is touched, Niles just grins. Fade out.] [N.B. After this episode, the only member of the "Cheers" cast who has not appeared on "Frasier" is Rebecca Howe (Kirstie Alley). Such an appearance is unlikely to happen, since Alley is a member of the Church of Scientology, which strongly disapproves of psychiatry.] [SCENE_BREAK] Roz is on the phone in Frasier's apartment. As the scene pans across, we see all of Roz's sorority sisters, smoking, drinking his wine, eating Chinese take-out and even painting Eddie's nails.

Plan: A: Martin; Q: Who hits it off with Norm Peterson? A: Niles; Q: Who is the only person not having a good time? A: Daphne; Q: Who takes all of Cliff's erroneous trivial facts and stories at face value? A: Boston; Q: Where is the conference? A: Cliff Clavin; Q: Who is Frasier's old friend? A: John Ratzenberger; Q: Who played Cliff Clavin? A: the airport bar; Q: Where do Frasier and his family meet Cliff? A: his retirement party; Q: What does Cliff think Frasier is in town for? A: Florida; Q: Where is Cliff moving to? A: a Red Sox reunion party; Q: What is Sam using the bar for? A: Red Sox; Q: What team is having a reunion party at the bar? A: Kelly; Q: Who is Woody's wife? A: beer stories; Q: What do Martin and Norm swap? A: a fancy restaurant; Q: What kind of restaurant did Niles have a reservation at? A: Carla; Q: Who tells Niles about the pranks played on Frasier? A: the past few years; Q: How long has Carla been frustrated with Cliff? A: open sores; Q: What does Carla say she would rather be covered in? A: such a wonderful, humorous speech; Q: What does Cliff call Carla's rant? A: a harpoon gun; Q: What does Carla try to shoot Cliff with? Summary: Frasier, Martin, Niles and Daphne are in Boston for a conference that Frasier and Niles will attend. They encounter Frasier's old friend Cliff Clavin (played by John Ratzenberger ) at the airport bar, who thinks Frasier is in town for his retirement party before he moves to Florida , and end up going along to the party with him before dinner. The only ones not in attendance are Sam (who is using the bar for a Red Sox reunion party), Woody (who is out with his wife Kelly and their child), Rebecca , and Diane (the latter two aren't mentioned at all). Martin hits it off with Norm Peterson ( George Wendt ). Both are able to correctly figure out the other's preferred method of beer consumption by their handshake, and they swap beer stories. Daphne meets Cliff, and takes all of his erroneous trivial facts and stories at face value. Niles is the only person not having a good time; he has to prepare an introduction for Frasier's speech, and must continually postpone a dinner reservation at a fancy restaurant. Niles's mood changes, though, when Carla ( Rhea Perlman ) begins telling him of all the pranks and jokes that she and the others used to play on Frasier. Eventually, Cliff confides in Frasier, saying that he does not believe any of his supposed friends actually care that he plans to leave town. When Cliff leaves for a walk around the block, Frasier shares this news, and inspires everyone to deliver speeches in Cliff's honor. Everything is going well... until Carla, after years of frustration at Cliff's chatter, snaps. She goes on a long rant, discussing how joyous she is that he is finally leaving, and claims that the past few years of her life would have been more enjoyable had she been "covered in open sores and thrown into a pit of starving rats!" Upon hearing this, Cliff pauses... and announces that only a true friend would make such a wonderful, humorous speech. He decides that he cannot leave such good friends, and opts to stay in Boston! This naturally infuriates Carla, who tries to shoot Cliff with a harpoon gun he received as a present while the others try their best to restrain her.

-[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (Milah is sewing inside when Rumpelstiltskin's voice is heard through the door.) Rumpelstiltskin: Milah? (Rumpelstiltskin enters with a paper in hand.) Rumpelstiltskin: Milah. Milah: I'm nearly finished. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, you learn quickly. Milah: I have a good teacher. (They kiss.) Milah: What is it? What brings you home so early? Rumpelstiltskin: Milah... My weaving days are behind us. I've been called to the front. (He unrolls the piece of paper and holds it in front of Milah. It reads 'Rumplestiltskin (sic) You have been drafted into the King's army'.) Milah: The Ogres War. Rumpelstiltskin: I report for training in the morning. Milah: No. Rumpel, I've heard stories. The front - it's a brutal place. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, Milah... I-I know, I know. I... I can't say that I... I won't be frightened. But... But this is the chance I've been waiting for...all my life. You know, I've lived under the shadow of my father's actions for too long now. Milah: Just because your father was a coward, it doesn't mean you are. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, I know that. As do you. But to the world? Fighting in this war finally gives me the chance to prove that to everyone else. Milah: Go. Be brave. Fight honourably. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, God, I love you. Milah: I love you, too. When you return, we can start living the life we've always dreamed of. Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah... Milah: We can have a family. Rumpelstiltskin: A family. -[New York]- (Emma, Henry, and Mr. Gold arrive at their destination in New York via taxi. They look up at the apartment building in front of them.) Emma: What's wrong? This the right place? Mr. Gold: Yes, it is. Emma: Let me guess. He's not expecting you. Well, who doesn't love a surprise? -[Storybrooke]- (At Regina's house, Cora and Regina are conversing, while Cora attempts to comfort Regina.) Cora: What is it, sweetie? Regina: It's Henry. Emma left town with Gold, and she took him with her. Cora: And you didn't stop them? Regina: I didn't know until after they had gone. Cora: I'm sure he's safe. And, as soon as Gold's done, Henry will be back. Regina: But not with me. Hook: Back? From where? Where's Rumpelstiltskin gone? Regina: I don't know. Hook: Well, if he's left town, then he's powerless. He can be killed. Cora: The moment either of us leave, we lose our magic... And our advantage. Hook: Your memories? Regina: None of us were victims of the curse. It's not about memories - it's about magic. Hook: Well, I don't need magic. I'll go after him alone. Regina: Even if you could find him, do you really think you can just walk up to him and stab him in the heart with your sword? Hook: Well, I prefer my hook, but I can't find that now. Cora: You're not going anywhere. Hook: I deserve my vengeance! Cora: You're right. You're right, you do. And, with The Dark One gone, we can search for the one magical item that can actually kill him here... His dagger. -[New York]- (The trio has entered the lobby of the apartment building. Henry scans the list of names on the intercom.) Henry: No 'Baelfire'. Emma: Yeah, that probably wouldn't fly as an alias. Your magic globe didn't give you an apartment number? Mr. Gold: It doesn't work that way. (Emma and Mr. Gold take a turn at looking at the list.) Emma: Do any of these names mean anything to you? Mr. Gold: Well, names are what I traffic in, but sadly, no. (Emma points to an apartment that is listed only by number.) Emma: Here's your boy. Mr. Gold: Or, it could just be vacant. Emma: You might traffic in names and magic, but I traffic in finding people who don't want to be found. And those sort of folks don't like to advertise their whereabouts. (Emma buzzes the apartment on the intercom.) Emma: U.P.S. package for four-oh-seven. (The person on the other end of the line doesn't respond, and then hangs up.) Henry: Maybe you should've said FedEx. (Suddenly, they hear a noise coming from the fire escape outside.) Emma: He's running. (The three of them rush outside, where they see the apartment's occupant climbing down the fire escape. He reaches the bottom and breaks into a run.) Mr. Gold: That... That favour you owe me - this is it. Get him to talk to me. I... I can't run. Emma: Watch Henry. I'll be back. (Emma chases after the unknown man through the streets of New York, stalling traffic along the way. Emma runs around the opposite side of the building and manages to ambush the man as the two meet. She tackles him, and the two of them fall to the ground. When Emma looks up, a stunned look overcomes her face.) Emma: No... Neal? Neal: Emma? Emma: Neal? (The two of them stand up.) Neal: I don't understand. What are you doing here? Emma: What am I doing here? Neal: Yeah. Emma: I'm not answering anything until you tell me the truth. Are you Gold's son? Neal: What are you talking about? Who's Gold? Emma: You played me. You're from there. You played me, and he played me, you both played me. Neal: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. Emma: You and Gold. Neal: Emma, slow down. What are you talking about? Who's Gold? Emma: Your father. Rumpelstiltskin. Neal: He's here? Emma: Why else would I be in New York? Neal: You brought him to me? Why would you do that?! Emma: Hey! I am the only one allowed to be angry here! Did you know who I was, where I was from, the whole time? Was this just some sort of sick, twisted plan? Did... Did you even care about me at all? Neal: Emma, do not... Emma: I want to know! I want the truth - all of it! Neal: Fine! We... We got to get off the street. We can't do it here. We're out in the open. I... I spent a lifetime running from that man. I'm not going to let him catch me. There's a bar down the street. We can talk there. Emma: I am not drinking with you. Whatever you're going to tell me, tell me now. Neal: No, bar's better. Don't worry. You can keep yelling at me when we get there. (Neal begins to walk off. Emma, annoyed, follows him.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Meanwhile, Henry and Mr. Gold are still waiting outside of Neal's apartment building. They're at a hotdog stand.) Henry: Don't worry. Emma's really good at catching people. Mr. Gold: Well, my son's been running away for a long time now. Now I have a feeling he's equally adept at it. Henry: Well, at least we found him, right? Mr. Gold: Indeed. Henry: Oh, and, uh, thanks, for the hot dog. I forgot. Mr. Gold: You are quite welcome. And thank you. Henry: For what? Mr. Gold: Well, if it wasn't for you bringing Emma to Storybrooke, none of this would have come to pass. You... Are a remarkable young man. Henry: You know... I forgave her. Emma - for giving me up. She thought it was the best for me then. That's why she did it. I'm sure your son will get it, too. Mr. Gold: Alas, the circumstances surrounding our separation weren't quite so noble. Henry: But...you're here now. And, you want him back, right? Mr. Gold: More than anything. Henry: Then, that's all that matters. [SCENE_BREAK] (Neal and Emma are talking at the bar Neal suggested.) Neal: Well, what do you want to know, Emma? You want the truth? Ask away. Emma: Did you know who I was when we met? Neal: If I had, I wouldn't have gone near you. Emma: Come on. Neal: Come on? Come on, what? I was in hiding. I came here to get... A-away from... All that crap. Emma: So, if you didn't know, then you were just using me. You just needed someone to take the fall for all the watches that you stole. Neal: I wasn't using you. When we met, I didn't know. I found out. Emma: How? Neal: When I went to sell the watches... I ran into a friend of yours. August. (The scene flashes back to when Neal ran into August in Portland.) August: When you see what I have in here, you're going to listen. You're going to believe every word I say. Neal: Yeah, right. (August opens the lid of the box on the back of his motorcycle. Inside, there's a typewriter loaded with a piece of paper. The sentence 'I know you're Baelfire.' is typed on it.) (The scene returns to the bar.) Emma: You left me... And let me go to prison, because Pinocchio told you to? Neal: Emma... Emma: I loved you. Neal: I... I was, um... I was... I was trying to help you. Emma: By letting me go to jail? Neal: By getting you home. Emma: Are you telling me, that us meeting was a coincidence? Because how the hell did that happen? If it wasn't in your plan, or your father's? Neal: Think about it. He wanted you to break the curse. Us meeting - that could have stopped it. Maybe it was fate. Emma: You believe in that? Neal: You know, there's not a ton about my father that I remember that doesn't suck. But he used to tell me that there are no coincidences. Everything that happens, happens by design, and there's nothing we can do about it. Forces greater than us conspire to make it happen. Fate, destiny, whatever you want to call it. The point is... Maybe we met for a reason. Maybe something good came from us being together. Emma: No. Not that I can think of. I just went to jail. That's it. Doesn't matter now. I'm over it. And you. Neal: Why do you wear the, uh, key chain I got you? (Emma takes off the necklace and places it on the counter in front of Neal.) Emma: To remind myself never to trust someone again. Come on. I made a deal with your father I'd bring you to him. Neal: You made a deal with him? Emma: Yeah. And I'm upholding my end. Neal: No, Emma, you don't have to. You know that. Emma: I know. Neal: Okay, so this should be really easy for you. Tell him that you lost me. Tell him you can't find me. You do that, you'll never have to see me again. -[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (Rumpelstiltskin is at one of the army's camps set up in the woods. There are several tents set up, along with several armed soldiers walking around. He walks past one of the tents as a soldier is exiting.) Man: Soldier. Rumpelstiltskin: Me? Man: I'm needed at the front. You guard this crate with your life. (He gestures to a cage covered by a tarp.) Rumpelstiltskin: W-what's under there? Man: A prisoner who could help us turn the tide against the ogres. Careful. It's a tricky beast. Rumpelstiltskin: Yes, sir. (The man leaves. As Rumpelstiltskin draws closer to the crate, a child-like voice calls out to him.) Seer: Rumpelstiltskin. (Confused, he pulls back the tarp. Inside the cage, there is a young girl with her eyes sewn shut.) Rumpelstiltskin: You're a child. (She points to a nearby bucket of water.) Seer: Please. I haven't had a sip in days. Rumpelstiltskin: How do you know my name? Seer: I'm a seer. I see all. (She holds up her hands, revealing eyes on the palms.) Rumpelstiltskin: No, no, no. That's... That's not possible. You must have overheard someone speak. Seer: Rumpelstiltskin, the son of a coward. Raised by spinsters. Scared of ending up just like his father. Did I overhear that? I told you. I see all, even what has yet to pass. Rumpelstiltskin: You mean the future? You can see the future? Seer: Indeed I can... Including yours. Rumpelstiltskin: No, no, no. I... I won't indulge this...dark magic. Seer: Even if what I see concerns your wife? Milah? Rumpelstiltskin: Why? Has something happened to her? Seer: Give me water. (Rumpelstiltskin acquiesces and gives her a cup of water.) Rumpelstiltskin: Here. Slake your thirst, witch, and speak of what you know of my wife. Seer: She is already with child. Rumpelstiltskin: I'm to be a father? Seer: Your wife will bear you a son, but your actions on the battlefield tomorrow will leave him fatherless. Rumpelstiltskin: I'm going to die? No, no, no. You... Y-you must tell me how I can stop that happening. Seer: You can't. Rumpelstiltskin: Then I'm done helping you. (He grabs the water from her hand.) Seer: For now. Someday, you'll help me again. Rumpelstiltskin: I'll bet Milah isn't even pregnant. You just said that so I would give you water, and now you're trying to trick me into deserting. Seer: You shall see. Tomorrow, when you see the army ride cows into battle, you will know I speak the truth. Rumpelstiltskin: Cows? And who's going to man the catapults? Milk maids? I have had enough with your fiendish lies. Seer: There is no escaping it. You will have a son, and your actions will leave him fatherless. (Spooked, Rumpelstiltskin quickly pulls the tarp back over the cage.) -[Storybrooke]- (At Mary Margaret's apartment, Mary Margaret talks to Emma on the phone.) MMB: Wait. Gold's son is Henry's father? Emma: I know. I know. And the millions of questions you have, I have, too. The problem is, it doesn't matter right now because I don't know what to do. MMB: Please tell me you're not calling to ask me to tell you to keep it from him. Emma: Henry thinks his father is dead. I told him that for a reason. I want to protect him. MMB: No matter what this man did, Henry has a right to know who his father is. The truth about your parents... Emma, you of all people should know how important that is. Emma: I don't want Henry to get hurt. I just want to protect him. MMB: Are you sure this is about protecting Henry, and not yourself? -[New York]- (Henry and Mr. Gold are waiting for Emma in the lobby of Neal's apartment building.) Henry: Why are you so nervous? When I found my mom, I was excited. Mr. Gold: Because I have the benefit of a little more...life experience. I know that things don't always happen the way we want them to. Henry: Sure, but in my book, it says that you can see the future. Why can't you just look and see what's going to happen? Mr. Gold: Well, that ability is complicated. I didn't always have it. And then when I did... Well... It's maybe not the gift one would expect. Seeing the inevitable can be a terrible price. Henry: But you wouldn't have to worry about stuff. You'd just know. Mr. Gold: But that's the great trap. The future is like a puzzle... With missing pieces. Difficult to read. And never, never what you think. (Emma enters.) Emma: Hey. Mr. Gold: Did you find him? Emma: Sorry. Your son... Got away. -[Storybrooke]- (Belle is lying in bed in her room at the hospital, when Regina enters.) Belle: Who are you? Regina: So it is true. You really don't remember anything. Belle: Are we friends? Regina: We spent some time together. But I'm here because I believe you can help me find something that belongs to Rumpelstiltskin. Belle: W-who? Regina: Mr. Gold. Belle: I, uh... I-I don't know him. (Regina magically knocks Belle unconscious.) Regina: Not anymore. But you did. (Regina magically opens Belle's purse, causing all of its contents to float through the air. The object of interest is a piece of paper, which Regina levitates towards her. She takes said paper and examines it. It has the number 915.63 written on it.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cora, Regina, and Hook are at the town library. Regina scans the shelves of books for the number on the paper.) Hook: Shouldn't we be pillaging his shop or ransacking his home? Cora: That would be the obvious choice, yes. But Gold wouldn't risk crossing the town line and losing his memory without entrusting the dagger's location to someone. Hook: Belle. Regina: My guess, is she hid it in one of her beloved books. Cora: Impressive, Regina. Regina: Thank you, mother. Hook: I'll be impressed when I'm holding the dagger in my hand. (Regina finds the correct spot, but there is no book, just an empty space.) Regina: No. It should be here. Hook: Well, it's not, is it? May we go now? Cora: Hold on. (Cora sticks her hand in the space between the books and finds a folded piece of paper.) Cora: What's this? (She unfolds the paper.) Hook: Oh, yes. Crude. To the untrained eye, a child's scribbles, but to a pirate... It's a map. Gold may not have hidden the dagger here, but I believe he's left us the next best thing - its location. Cora: Can you read it? Hook: Well, lucky for you ladies, I'm quite adept at finding buried treasure. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret and David are talking in Mary Margaret's kitchen.) David: So Rumpelstiltskin is Henry's grandfather? MMB: Apparently. David: But I'm his grandfather. MMB: You can have more than one. David: So his...step-grandmother is Regina, the Evil Queen. MMB: Actually, his step-great-grandmother. And she's also his adoptive mother. David: It's a good thing we don't have Thanksgiving in our land, cause that dinner would suck. MMB: Or, maybe this will mellow everyone out. -[New York]- (Still in the lobby, Mr. Gold frantically hits all of the buttons on the intercom.) Emma: Gold, wait. What are you doing? (Someone responds to the buzzer and unlocks the front door.) Mr. Gold: I'm finding my son. Emma: He's gone. Mr. Gold: But he lives here. He'll be back, and I'll be waiting. (They arrive at the door of Neal's apartment. Mr. Gold sets to picking the lock.) Emma: Stop. You can't just break in. Mr. Gold: Yeah, well, actually, that's something I'm quite adept at. Emma: He might not come back. Mr. Gold: Okay. Finding people is what you do, Miss Swan. I'm simply going to assist you. There may be information in here. Who he is, what he does, who he loves. Emma: No, don't do this. There are things called laws. Henry: I'll be lookout. Emma: No, I... You could get arrested. Mr. Gold: Then my son will have to testify against me, and we will be reunited. (Mr. Gold successfully picks the lock and opens the door.) -[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (At the camp, Rumpelstiltskin and another man watch as a several injured soldiers are carried in on stretchers. Some are yelling in pain.) Man: Lucky bastards. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh... I think they'd beg to differ. Man: They're not dead, but they can't fight. Which means, they get sent home. That's the only way out of here alive. When the ogres rip you limb from limb, pray that they're quick. (Another soldier makes an announcement, drawing a small crowd around him.) Man 2: Fortune favours us! Fresh supplies have arrived from the Duke. Today, we will not be marching into battle. We'll be riding. Rumpelstiltskin: Riding? Riding what? Man 2: What kind of question is that? A horse, of course. Now, grab yourself a cow, and get ready. Rumpelstiltskin: I'm sorry, sir. W-What did you say? Man 2: A cow. The saddles we just got in - made from the finest leather. We call 'em cows. Grab yours, so at least the ride into doom will be a soft one on your backside. (The crowd dissipates, while Rumpelstiltskin remains frozen in place. The man he was talking to earlier notices.) Man: Are you alright? Rumpelstiltskin: Yes. You... You go. I'll catch up. (The man leaves.) Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, no... (He walks over to the covered cage where the Seer was held.) Rumpelstiltskin: So, it's all true. I'm going to have a son. And I'm going to die. (There is no response.) Rumpelstiltskin: Answer me! (Rumpelstiltskin pulls back the tarp, revealing an empty cage. In a fit of anger, he hits the crate several times, until he notices a sledge hammer a few feet away. He picks it up and draws it over his head. Hesitating, he checks that the coast is clear, and then slams the hammer into his leg. With a crunch, his leg breaks, and he falls to the ground screaming in agony.) -[New York]- (The trio enter Neal's apartment after Mr. Gold's successful break in.) Emma: Gold. Come on, please. We really shouldn't be here. Henry: I don't think he's listening. (Henry joins Mr. Gold to investigate the apartment. Emma spies the dream catcher from her and Neal's hotel room hanging in the window. She takes it down and stares at it in her hands. Mr. Gold notices her interest.) Mr. Gold: You find something, dearie? Emma: Nothing. Uh, it just looks like a dream catcher. Mr. Gold: Yeah, well, if it's nothing, why are you still holding it? You're lying to me. Emma: Just get back to looking, okay? Mr. Gold: No, no, no. You saw something. Tell me. Emma: You don't know what you're talk- Mr. Gold: Tell me! Emma: Henry, go wait in the bathroom. Henry: But I can help- Emma: Henry, go! (Henry exits, leaving the two of them alone.) Emma: There's nothing here. The guy's a ghost. Mr. Gold: Well, you think me a fool? You're holding back. I want to know what, and why. Emma: I'm not holding back. Mr. Gold: Did he tell you something? Emma: Gold- Mr. Gold: Did he tell you something?! Emma: Nothing. He didn't say anything. Mr. Gold: But you talked to- Emma: Don't put words in my mouth- Mr. Gold: Tell me! You tell me, or I'm going to make you tell me. Emma: You don't have magic here. Mr. Gold: Oh, I don't need magic. Emma: You really want to do this? Mr. Gold: Do not push me. Emma: Don't push me. Mr. Gold: We had a deal! A deal! No one! No one breaks deals with me! (Neal barges in and interrupts the fight.) Neal: Hey! Leave her alone. -[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (With his leg in a crude brace, Rumpelstiltskin limps towards his and Milah's home.) Rumpelstiltskin: Milah! Milah! (Rumpelstiltskin arrives home. Inside, Milah is holding an infant wrapped in a blanket. She is confused to see him.) Rumpelstiltskin: Milah! Milah! Milah: Rumpel? Rumpelstiltskin: What's his name? Milah: Baelfire. Rumpelstiltskin: A strong name! (He collapses into a chair due to the pain in his leg.) Milah: Something he'll need if he's to live with the shame of being your son. Rumpelstiltskin: What... What are you talking about? Milah: Rumpel, is it true? Rumpelstiltskin: Is what true? Milah: Did you injure yourself... So that you wouldn't have to fight? So that you would be sent home? Rumpelstiltskin: Who told you that? Milah: Everyone! Rumours travel quickly from the front. Rumpel, did you do this to yourself? Did you do it to yourself?! Rumpelstiltskin: Yes! A seer told me I was going to die in the battle. Milah: You did this because a seer told you to do it? Rumpelstiltskin: She was right about everything else. I left the front to be with you. You and... Baelfire. Milah: You left because you were afraid. Rumpelstiltskin: No... Milah: You became what everyone thought you were - a coward. Rumpelstiltskin: Stop... Milah: Just like your father! Rumpelstiltskin: I am nothing like my father! He tried to abandon me. I will never, ever do that to my son. That's why I did this. For him. All for the boy. To save him from the same fate I suffered - growing up without a father. Milah: You sentence him to a fate much worse - growing up as your son. Rumpelstiltskin: What... What... What else could I do? Milah: You could have fought, Rumpel. You could have died. Rumpelstiltskin: You don't mean that. You don't mean that. (Milah hands baby Baelfire to Rumpelstiltskin. She then hastily grabs a bucket and exits through the front door.) Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, it's alright, Bae. It's alright. Your Papa's here. And I promise... I will never, ever leave you. -[New York]- (Neal, Emma, and Mr. Gold are still in the living room of Neal's apartment.) Mr. Gold: Bae... You came back for me. Neal: No. I came to make sure you didn't hurt her. I've seen what you do to people who break deals. Mr. Gold: Please, Bae, just let me talk. Neal: I have no interest in talking to you. You can go. Mr. Gold: I'm not going anywhere. Neal: Get out of my apartment! Emma: Neal... Neal: Emma, I got this. Mr. Gold: You two know each other... You two know each other. How? Emma: You sent me chasing after him. Mr. Gold: No, no, no. Stop it! You're lying. How do you two know each other?! (Henry, who was still in the bathroom, enters the living room.) Henry: Mom? W-what's going on? Emma: Hey... Neal: Who's this? Emma: My son. Neal: What? Henry: Is that Baelfire? Emma: I need you to stay in the other room for a little while longer, okay? Come on. (Emma tries to lead Henry out of the room.) Neal: Wait. H-how old are you? Emma: Don't answer him. Neal: How old are you, kid?! Henry: Eleven! Now, why is everyone yelling? Neal: He's eleven? Henry: Mom? Neal: Is this my son? Henry: No. My dad was a fireman. He... He died. That's what you told me. You said... Neal: Is this... My son? Emma: Yes... (Neal is shocked. Henry backs away from Emma, and then exits through the window leading to the fire escape. There is a brief pause, then Emma follows Henry.) Emma: Henry. Henry? (Emma crawls through the window, leaving Neal and Mr. Gold alone. Neal goes to follow Henry and Emma, but Mr. Gold stops him.) Mr. Gold: Baelfire... (Neal shrugs his hand off of his shoulder.) Mr. Gold: Please, please. All I want is a chance to be heard. Neal: Get out. Mr. Gold: Look, you came back to protect Emma. To show that she had lived up to her end of her bargain with me. Neal: And now she has. You can go. Mr. Gold: No. Our deal was for her to get you to talk to me. If you truly want her deal to be fulfilled, you have but one choice. You have to talk to me. Neal: You got three minutes. -[Storybrooke]- (At the hospital, Greg is talking to someone on his cell phone. He is no longer bedridden, and is dressed in his normal clothes. He still has a scrape and bruising on his forehead.) Greg: Hey. N-no, I... I'm... I-I'm okay. Yeah. No, they... They... They said I'm... I'm good to go. But, um... You know, I think I'm going to stay here for little while. Why? Well, take a look at this and see. (Greg sends a video of Regina using magic in Belle's room to the person listed as 'Her'.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina, Hook, and Cora are still at the library. Hook has finished interpreting the map.) Hook: I give you the location of the dagger. Cora: Well done, Hook. We'll take it from here. (Cora snatches the map off of the table and she and Regina begin to leave.) Hook: No. You promised me! (When Hook tries to confront them, Cora magically blasts Hook back into a bookshelf, knocking him unconscious.) Cora: The kris dagger's much too powerful to be wasted on you. Regina: So... Is... This what it was all about? Getting Rumpel's dagger so you could obtain his dark powers? Cora: If we possess the dagger, we control the Dark One. And when he returns to Storybrooke, we can command him to kill Snow White, Prince Charming, and Emma. Our enemies will be vanquished, and you, will be blameless in the eyes of the only person who matters. Regina: Henry. -[New York]- (Emma has found Henry at the top of the fire escape. The two of them talk.) Henry: So, that's him. Emma: Yeah. Henry: Why didn't you tell me? Emma: Because I never thought I would see him again. I never wanted to. Henry: Why not? Emma: He was a thief, Henry. A liar, a bad guy, and he... He broke my heart. Henry: I could have taken it, you know. The truth. Emma: I know. He was just a part of my life I wanted to forget. That's why I didn't tell you. I was thinking of me, not you. Henry: I thought you were different, but you're just like her. Regina. She always lied to me, too. Emma: I'm sorry... Henry: I want to meet my dad. [SCENE_BREAK] (Neal and Mr. Gold are having their three minutes.) Neal: Clock's ticking. Mr. Gold: I know I've made mistakes, but you must believe me. I want to make up for it. There's no greater pain than regret. Neal: Try abandonment. Mr. Gold: Please. Let me make it up to you. Neal: How are you going to do that? I grew up alone. I grew up without a father. You can make up for that? Mr. Gold: Yeah. Yes, I can. Neal: Two minutes. Mr. Gold: Come with me to Storybrooke. There's magic there. I can turn the clock back. Make you fourteen again. We can start over. Neal: Fourteen? I don't want to be fourteen, again. Are you... Are you insane? Mr. Gold: I can't make up for the lost time, but I can take away the memories. Bae... Neal: Take away who I am? No, thanks. One minute. Mr. Gold: Bae... Please... Give me a chance. You once loved me. Neal: You were once a good man. Mr. Gold: And I can be that man again. I've changed. Look. I came here, to this city, without magic. Neal: Yeah, yeah, and you're still trying to use it to make up for your mistakes. Still think that that can make it all better. It won't. You can't. You have no idea what I've lived with. You're so worried about you. You know what I've dealt with? Every night, for more years than you could know, the last thing I see before sleep, is the image of you... You and me, over that pit. Your hand... Wrapped around mine. And then, you open your grip. And as I fall away, all I can see is your face. Choosing all...this...crap over me. Letting me go. Now, it's my turn. Now I'm letting you go. Mr. Gold: I'm sorry- Neal: I don't care. I didn't get closure, so you don't, either. Got to go. Mr. Gold: Oh, Bae... Neal: No. Time's up. (Neal exits.) -[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (Rumpelstiltskin enters a clearing in the forest. There is a campfire burning in the middle. The Seer, now an adult, appears from behind a tree.) Seer: I've been expecting you. Rumpelstiltskin: Then you know exactly why I came here. Seer: What I foretold during the Ogres War has finally come to pass. Rumpelstiltskin: Well, in a manner of speaking. I, uh, hobbled myself on the battlefield. Was branded a coward. My wife - ran away and left me. Then, my son was called to the front. Oh! Then I became The Dark One. Then, Bae left me. So, yes. My actions on the battlefield left my son fatherless. But... It would've been nice to know about all that pesky detail. Seer: Knowing would not have made a difference. You still would have been powerless to escape your fate. Rumpelstiltskin: Just...like...you. (He magically 'strangles' her, cutting off her breathing.) Rumpelstiltskin: Now you know exactly why I came here. (The Seer manages to croak out a response.) Seer: You want to find your son. Rumpelstiltskin: Indeed. (Rumpelstiltskin releases the magical hold on her throat. Once free, the Seer does a deliberate set of hand movements.) Seer: You will find him. Rumpelstiltskin: How? And this time, don't leave out a single detail. (She continues the movements.) Seer: It will not be an easy path. It will take many years... And require a curse. A curse...powerful enough to rip everyone from this land. Rumpelstiltskin: Yes, yes, there's more, I know it. Tell me. Seer: You will not cast the curse... Someone else will. And you will not break the curse... Someone else will. Rumpelstiltskin: Tell me! Seer: I don't know. Even my powers have limits. Rumpelstiltskin: Ah, ah, ah. Not good enough, dearie. (Rumpelstiltskin, again, puts her into a magical stranglehold. She croaks out another sentence.) Seer: If you want to see the path you must take, there is only one way. Take this burden from me. (The Seer holds out both of her hands palm up.) Rumpelstiltskin: Mm, gladly. (Rumpelstiltskin places his hands on top of the Seer's, emitting a burst of white light. The Seer screams.) -[New York]- (Emma crawls back into Neal's apartment through the window, while Henry waits outside on the fire escape. Neal is waiting.) Emma: He wants to meet you. Neal: You weren't going to tell me about him. Emma: No, I wasn't. Neal: Yeah, well, he's my kid, too, so you don't get to make that decision by yourself anymore. Emma: Great. Go talk to him, then. But... Don't break his heart. Neal: Trust me - I'm not going do to him what he did to me. Emma: Or what you did to me. Neal: Okay. I get it. We're all messed up. What do you say we try to avoid that with him? Alright? Emma: Alright. (Neal crawls out onto the fire escape to join Henry.) Henry: So... You're my dad. Neal: Yeah. Henry: I'm Henry. Neal: It's nice to meet you, Henry. Sorry I took so long. Henry: It's okay. You didn't know. (While Henry and Neal talk outside, Mr. Gold walks past the window. He stops and watches them.) -[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (Rumpelstiltskin and the Seer still have their hands joined together. The white light is also still being emitted from the two of them.) Rumpelstiltskin: I can't...see...anything. It's too much. It's nothing but a jumble. Seer: The future is a puzzle with many pieces to be sorted. In time, you will learn to separate what can be, from what will be. (Rumpelstiltskin lets go. The connection breaks, and the Seer falls to the ground.) Rumpelstiltskin: This is why you wanted to give me your power. To free yourself from this torment. Seer: In time, you will work it all out. (Rumpelstiltskin turns to leave, but the Seer calls out to him.) Seer: Wait. As gratitude, I offer you one piece of the puzzle. (She raises one of her hands off of the ground and waves it through the air.) Seer: You will be reunited with your son, and it will come in a most unexpected way. Rumpelstiltskin: How? Seer: A boy... A young boy will lead you to him. But beware, Rumpelstiltskin, for that boy is more than he appears. He will lead you...to what you seek. But there will be a price. The boy... Will be your undoing. (Finally, the Seer's hand falls to the ground as she dies.) Rumpelstiltskin: Then I'll just have to kill him. -[New York]- (Back in Neal's apartment, Mr. Gold is still watching Henry and Neal through the window. He turns around with a haunted look on his face.) -[End]-

Plan: A: Bae; Q: Who is Mr. Gold's son? A: New York; Q: Where are Mr. Gold, Emma and Henry going to search for Gold's son? A: Cora; Q: Who is trying to track down one of Rumplestiltskin's most treasured possessions? A: the fairytale land; Q: Where does Rumplestiltskin realize his destiny? A: his destiny; Q: What does Rumplestiltskin realize while fighting in the Ogres War? Summary: While Mr. Gold, Emma and Henry go in search of Gold's son Bae in New York, Cora, Regina and Hook attempt to track down one of Rumplestiltskin's most treasured possessions. Meanwhile, in the fairytale land that was, Rumplestiltskin realizes his destiny while fighting in the Ogres War.

[Act One] [Scene One - Café Nervosa. Frasier is standing in the café when Roz enters.] Frasier: Oh, good morning, Roz. Roz: Good morning. [Roz starts to kiss Frasier passionately. He struggles free after a while.] Frasier: What the hell was that? Roz: [looks around] Oh, shoot! He's not even here! Frasier: [wiping off kiss] Who? Roz: Do you remember that guy who dumped me last month? I thought he was right behind me. I just wanted him to see me with another guy so he'd know how completely over him I am! Frasier: Good idea, Roz. If that doesn't work, why don't we get married and have some children, that will really fix his wagon! Roz: You might remember him, Stan? Frasier: [thinks] Stan? The smug stockbroker who kept calling me "Frazer?" Roz: Oh yeah, that's the one. One minute, we're hot an' heavy and then he stops calling. It's so humiliating when someone treats you like you don't even exist. Frasier: [not listening to her] How can someone not hear the difference between "Frasier" and "Frazer"? Roz: Yeah, that's what bugged me the most too! [to waiter] I'll have an espresso to go, please. Frasier: Oh, oh, Roz, I almost forgot, here's the invitation to my dad's birthday party. Sherry's giving it, so please excuse the elegant verse, but... [Frasier hands it over.] Roz: [reads] "Come one, Come all, To jump and jive, Marty Crane's turning sex-ty-five!" [She notices Stan enter the Café.] Roz: Oh my God, here he is. Please? Frasier: Oh, all right. [Frasier and Roz start kissing passionately which turns Stan away. They keep on kissing, not noticing Niles enter the Cafe.] Niles: Hello. [Startled, Frasier breaks away from Roz, who continues the charade by keeping her arms around him and nuzzling his neck.] Frasier: Hello, Niles. You know, this isn't what it looks like. You see, her ex-boyfriend was just... [off her nuzzling] Oh, just stop that! Niles: Please, no explanation necessary. I assume that at the next meeting of Seattle's "Haven't Kissed Roz Club," it will just be me and the archbishop! Roz: I'll save you the club fees. Niles: What-? [Roz kisses Niles and exits, leaving him somewhat philosophical.] Niles: Everyone kisses better than Maris! [Frasier and Niles move to a table.] Frasier: [to waiter] Can I get one of the same for Dr. Crane, please? [sits with Niles] Niles: I'm sorry I'm late, I was shopping for Dad's present. Frasier: Oh, it's all right, Niles. I did a bit of that myself this morning. I found a lovely little calfskin wallet with a matching key case. Niles: Oh. Well, bravo, Frasier. Frasier: Yes, and it was a full twenty dollars below our agreed-upon spending limit. Niles: Oh, I'm so glad we agreed to rein ourselves in this year. Frasier: Oh God, me too. Finally to do away with our annual contest to see who could give dad the most lavish gift. Niles: I think the competition had gotten a bit... er, what is the best word for it? Frasier: Extreme. Niles: No, childish. Frasier: Gaudy. Niles: Crass. Frasier: Obscene. Niles: Baroque. Frasier: Stop it! So, what did you get him? Niles: Oh, just some... beer. Frasier: Well, we're not exactly bumping our heads on that spending ceiling, are we? Niles: [laughs] It's a bit fancier than that. It's a membership in a beer club. They deliver a case from a different micro brewery every month. Frasier: You know, I looked into those clubs, they're rather expensive. Niles: Oh, not really. I'm right at our limit. Maybe with taxes and handling I'm a drop or two over. Frasier: How big a drop? Niles: Just, er... a hundred dollars over. Frasier: That's not a drop, it's a downpour! Niles: It's a dribble. Frasier: It's a deluge! Niles: It's a... Frasier: Stop it! Niles: Oh, why don't you just stick a hundred dollars in that wallet of yours and we'll call it even. Frasier: Well, frankly, I don't need to buy dad's love. You've opted to violate our agreement, so be it. I have a gift, you have a gift. Niles: Fine. Frasier: Big baby! [Frasier and Niles look away from each other.] [Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. Frasier is seated reading the newspaper as Eddie stares up at him.] Frasier: Stare all you like. You will not distract me from my paper. You see, your efforts are futile, I can't even see you. [Frasier holds the paper up in front of him. Eddie, however, just keeps jumping into view over the paper. Frasier, in agitation, folds the paper up and exits with Eddie to the kitchen. Daphne and Niles then enter carrying shopping bags.] Niles: It seems so unhealthy. Is she going to serve anything at Dad's party but meat? Daphne: Sherry says that's what he and his old cronies like best. With drinks, she's serving cocktail franks. For appetisers, we're having a sausage medley. And for the main course there's a choice of meat loaf or meat balls. Niles: I assume these colourful balloons are for the between course angioplasty! [Sherry enters and notices them as Frasier re-enters.] Sherry: Did you get everything, Daphne? Daphne: Oh, yes, I think so. Sherry: Good news, I found a guy who can sculpt an exact replica of Marty's old police badge out of six pounds of liverwurst. Frasier: Oh, how reminiscent of the cream cheese gavel they gave Thurgood Marshall on his eightieth! [Martin enters holding a photo as Daphne exits to her room.] Martin: Oh, we can't use this photograph, it's too embarrassing. Sherry: [laughs] That's exactly why we're using it. I'm decorating the whole party with old pictures of Marty from the force. Martin: Well, we can't use this one of me at the morgue; it's too disturbing. [Niles takes a look.] Niles: You're right, I totally forgot you even had a perm! Martin: Oh, God, I can't wait to see this guy again. Mickey Doogan. We rode mounted patrol together. Sherry: Oh, look at you. You look so big and handsome on your horse. [looks at another] Oh my God, when was this taken? Martin: April Fools' Day. Frasier: [looks] Oh, yes, yes, that would explain why your horses are wearing brassieres. Martin: Oh God, I loved that horse. Old Agides and I were together for eight years. Best partner I ever had. Sherry: Oh, we should get going. Martin: Okay. Sherry: Marty, where ever did you find a bra that could fit a horse? Martin: Oh, Mickey brought it in from home. Mae Doogan was a lot of things, but petite she wasn't! I'll point her out to you at the party. Sherry: Honey, if that's her bra, I can spot her myself. [Martin and Sherry exit.] Frasier: Well, er, sherry, Niles? Niles: Oooh... [looks at watch] ...no, thanks, I've got a session. Frasier: Ah. [pours himself one] [Daphne enters with a box and wrapping paper] Daphne: Dr. Crane, is your father gone? Frasier: Yes, he has. Daphne: Good, then I'll wrap his present. They fit fine in this box. Frasier: Great, Daphne, off you go. Niles: Wait a minute. That box is awfully big for what you got him. Daphne: No, it isn't. Frasier: Ah, Daphne... Daphne: Your binoculars fit just perfectly in here! Niles: You told me you got him a wallet and a key case! Daphne: Oh, no, not this again! It's the same nonsense every year. Frasier: Well, not this year. We'd actually agreed to a spending limit until someone else exceeded it. Niles: All right, all right. Guilty as charged. We've each violated the pact once. Now let's stop before this madness gets out of hand. Frasier: Well, if you ask me, your gifts compliment each other perfectly. Niles: Em, Daphne... [puts a finger to his lips] Daphne: Your binoculars and your football tickets. Frasier: Tickets? Daphne: ["Uh-oh..."] Season tickets to the Seahawks. Frasier: I don't believe you! You already had a better gift than mine, you still saw the need to take it to a higher level. Niles: Only because I knew you were going to upgrade that wallet, which you did! Frasier: All right, enough is enough. I quit, I'm throwing in the towel. Niles: Oh, and why should I believe you? Frasier: Because this is a receipt for the binoculars, this should prove to you that I have no intention of returning them in order to get a better gift. [tears it up] There. Niles: Well, that's very big of you. I'm late for my session. If it's any consolation, I'm not really sure how good those tickets are. I was hoping to get something on the first two yard lines but I could only get ones way back on the fiftieth! [Niles shrugs innocently and exits.] [N.B. Being on the fiftieth yard line means you are seated right next to the center of the field, at the bottom of the stands next to the green - the best seats in the stadium. However, Niles is no doubt ignorant of this, so his innocence must be genuine.] Daphne: Well, I'm very proud of you, Dr. Crane. I... Frasier: Oh, stop babbling, Daphne, and bring me some tape! [Daphne rolls her eyes.] COME AGAIN WHEN YOU CAN'T STAY SO LONG [Scene Three - Café Nervosa. Sherry and Daphne are sat running through Martin's upcoming party.] Daphne: Okay, the keg of beer will be there by six. I also confirmed the band, ordered the cake, filled out the place cards, picked up the humourous cocktail napkins and I'm almost done making the centerpieces. Sherry: [sighs] Oh, this party is just going to wear me out! [Niles enters.] Niles: Hello, Daphne, Sherry. [to waitress] Double Latte, please. [sits] Is Frasier with you? Sherry: No, he's out shopping for your dad. Niles: That jackal! [Niles jumps to his feet and dashes out of the Café.] Sherry: What was that all about? Daphne: Brother snit. Don't ask. Sherry: I forgot to tell you. I found this fabulous photograph of Marty arresting some guy. I had it blown up to life size, then I cut out the crook's face so people could stick their heads through and have a snap shot of Marty reading them their rights. Don't you just love it? Daphne: It depends. Do I have to pick it up? Sherry: By five, you're a doll! [Frasier enters with a shopping bag and greets them.] Daphne: Dr. Crane, did you find something? Frasier: Yes, I did. It took me most of the afternoon but I finally came up with something I think is just about perfect! [The waitress brings Niles's coffee as Frasier sits.] Sherry: Oh, Niles forgot his coffee. Frasier: Niles was here? Sherry: Yes, but you know, when I mentioned that you were out shopping for your dad he just shot out of here like a bullet! Frasier: That little worm! [Frasier grabs his shopping bag and exits.] [Scene Four - Frasier's Apartment. Daphne is seated on the couch reading, her feet on the table. Frasier enters as she quickly lowers them. His jacket is slung over his shoulder and he looks exhausted.] Daphne: Dr. Crane, are you all right? Frasier: No, I am not. I've combed the entire city trying to find a gift - but nothing is better than what Niles got him. Daphne: What did your brother get him? Frasier: I don't know. I'm sure it's something any father would just love. [Martin enters from his room.] Martin: Why, you know the best thing about turning sixty-five? Everybody wants to buy you dinner! [laughs] Daphne: Mr. Crane, you've left your top button unbuttoned. Martin: Oh, yeah, that's because Duke's taking me to Hoppy's Old Heidelberg. You know, if I don't unbutton it now, it might fly off and hurt somebody! Frasier: Enjoy, Dad. Martin: Oh, yeah, I will. I gotta tell 'ya, I'm loving this birthday. All of a sudden my money's no good. Last night, Ed Flannagan bought the whole bar a round in my honour. Frasier: Who's Ed Flannagan? Martin: That's what I asked! Anyway, what are you doing tonight, Fras'? Frasier: Er, nothing much. I've got some shopping to do. Martin: Oh, for anybody we know? [laughs] You know, Fras', every year, you and Niles, you go overboard trying to find these great presents for me and I've got to be honest, it's always made me kind of uncomfortable. Frasier: [relieved] Really? Martin: Yeah. So this year, I just wanted you to know... I'm over it! So, go crazy, you only turn sixty-five once! [Martin exits. Frasier stands up, puts his head in his arms and collapses onto his father's chair.] Daphne: You know, Dr. Crane, the last thing I want to do is encourage more competition between you and your brother. [goes to him] But if you really want to make your father happy, maybe the time has come... Frasier: Oh, don't even say it! Daphne: But it's the only thing he's ever asked for! Frasier: No! God, it'll ruin my apartment, my life! I can't, I won't, I mustn't! Daphne: It's over, Dr. Crane. [Frasier cries into her arms.] [Scene Five - Frasier's Apartment. We see the back of a huge monstrosity of some kind. The camera raises to its peak (which is basically at the roof of the apartment) and shows Frasier and Daphne sitting on Martin's chair, looking up, awestruck, at the mother of all- ] Daphne: That is one big-screen TV. He's going to love it! Frasier: [in tears] I know! [Daphne nurses Frasier.] [End of Act One] [Act Two] [Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. We resume the scene. Daphne is cleaning the big-screen television as Frasier looks on.] Frasier: Perhaps I'm panicking needlessly. It just needs a little dressing-up, really. You know, I'll just arrange these plants here at the base. [he does] Daphne: Yes, you always said you needed more greenery in here. Frasier: Yes, maybe an objet or two on top. Yes, yes, this little bud vase, here. [Frasier puts a rose vase on the top and admires it, giving a little Bette Davis shrug.] Frasier: [denial] That makes a world of difference, doesn't it? Daphne: [acting] Oh, sure it does, Dr. Crane. All the difference in the world! Frasier: [falling to bits] Oh, it's ghastly! [doorbell sounds] Oh God, you just don't put a smear of lipstick on the Bride of Frankenstein and turn her into a trophy wife, do you?! [Frasier opens the door to Niles.] Frasier: Niles. Niles: Frasier, are you ready? We told dad we'd pick him up at... [Niles notices the eyesore. He is speechless as Frasier watches him in some sort of jealous pride.] Niles: Oh my God, you didn't?! Frasier: Didn't what? You mean buy dad this television set? Of course I did! Ah, it's impressive, isn't it? Niles: I knew how jealous you were, but to go to such insane lengths to top me... Frasier, you have lain waste to your apartment with this eyesore! Frasier: I disagree! Where you see an eyesore, I see a picture window to a world of art and culture. Just think how a screen this size will enhance the majesty of the Metropolitan Opera. Or the thrilling artists of the Bolshoi! Niles: You're quite a Bolshoi artist yourself! Frasier: Oh, you're right, it's dreadful, isn't it! But you know, it's worth it, just to imagine the smile it'll put on dad's face, not to mention the pleasure of watching you twist and writhe in envy. [pause] You're not twisting and writhing! Niles: I'm sorry, my mind wandered. I was remembering Dad waxing nostalgic the other day about his beloved old horse, Agides. Frasier: Oh, don't try to change the subject, Niles, you've lost, admit it! Niles: He certainly did love that horse. Frasier: You can only live in denial for so long before you... [Frasier gasps in sudden realisation.] Frasier: You didn't?! Niles: Didn't what? Buy the horse? Sorry, did! Frasier: Oh! ... Oh... how could you?! Niles: I've already set him up in a handsome stable. Dad can visit him anytime he wants, which reminds me, I'd like to swing by the stable on the way to the party so dad can- [laughs] look his gift horse in the mouth! Frasier: Ah, all right, Niles. What else can I do? I give up! You win. You have found the one gift that can't be trumped. [The doorbell sounds as Daphne goes to get it.] [SCENE_BREAK] Niles: Thank you, Frasier. You're a gracious loser. Frasier: Still, on the bright side, I know dad will love this set. He really will. And already it doesn't seem quite as intrusive as it did when it first got here. [Daphne opens the door to some workers wielding enormous dynamo speakers.] Daphne: Right this way. Frasier: [in horror] What are those? Daphne: Your speakers. [Frasier buries his head. Niles comforts him.] SURE, BUT CAN HE DO LONG DIVISION? [Scene Two - Horse Stables. Frasier and Niles lead a blindfolded Martin into the stables.] Niles: So, dad, any idea where you are? Martin: Oh, it's so mysterious. Hay under foot, stable smells, that saddle we just tripped over... I mean, we could be anywhere! Niles: All right, all right. [Niles takes his blindfold off.] Martin: What? Niles: Voila! [motioning to horse] Happy birthday. [Martin is shown to a horse in a pen. "AGIDES" entitles it. Martin and Niles react as Frasier stays at the back of the stable in jealous anger.] Martin: Agides! Hey, buddy, how are you doing? Oh, long-time-no-see. [to Niles] What's going on? Niles: He's yours, dad. Martin: What? Niles: I bought him for you. Martin: You're kidding me, I can't believe it! Niles: You can visit him anytime you want. Martin: This is amazing. [to Agides] How've you been, buddy, huh? Hey, one plus one equals? [Agides kicks the stable door twice.] Martin: He remembers! Niles: I figured it was a long shot when I called but they were a week away from putting him out to pasture, so I set him up here at Brier Wood, it's the most exclusive stable in town. Don't be surprised if you spy a certain resident trotting by wearing his triple crown. Frasier: They don't give them actual crowns, you twit! [pause] Well, come on, Dad, you don't want to be late for the party, I'm sure Sherry's getting warm in that cake! [Martin seems entranced by the horse.] Frasier: Dad? Martin: Huh? Frasier: Don't want to be late. Niles: Are you all right, dad? Martin: Yeah, I'm fine. Frasier: Are you sure? Martin: Yeah, I said I was fine. Now, come on, let's go to my party. [They start to exit.] Frasier: Is there something you'd like to talk about? Martin: Oh, now, come on, guys. You don't have to pull everything apart. I said I'm fine, all right? Let's go. [Martin exits.] Niles: All that effort, all that expense... How many minutes of joy did it buy? [Frasier raises his foot, horse-style, and stamps the ground once, twice, three times. They exit.] [Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment. The lights are off as the brothers enter later that night. As they switch on the lights, the television and speakers are revealed. The speakers are arranged, circumferencing Martin's chair.] Frasier: Oh dear God! It's Stonehenge! Niles: Well, I hope it'll at least cheer dad up. The party certainly didn't. Frasier: God, I know. Not even when Sherry sang that little ditty she'd composed; "You Can Cop A Feel If I Can Feel A Cop"! Brandy, Niles? Niles: Please. [Frasier pours.] Niles: I tried to draw Dad out of the party, he just shot me right down. Frasier: Well, you know how he is. Gets himself into these moods, he just retreats. Niles: It's just so damn frustrating. How many wonders if that isn't why we go so insane every year, trying to find the perfect gift, as if somehow finding the right present will magically change everything. Frasier: The thought occurred to me too. Niles: You didn't mention it. Frasier: It occurred to me. Niles: So you say. Frasier: Well, it... stop it! [Sherry enters.] Sherry: Hiya, boys. [notices television and gasps] Wow! She's a beaut! Oh, Marty and I are going to be spending a lot more time over here! [hangs up coat] Frasier: [to Niles] It's the gift that keeps on giving! Sherry: Well, where's your dad? Frasier: He said he was coming home with you. Sherry: Well, he told me that he was coming home with you. Niles: Why would he do that? Sherry: He was a little down at the party. Maybe he just wanted to go for a walk. Frasier: I'm sure he's all right. He'll be back soon. Niles: Still, it is rather late. I'll just go and look for him. [heads to door] Frasier: Oh, suit yourself, Niles. I think you're fretting needlessly. Sherry: [takes remote] Come on, let's fire this baby up. Do you like the Nashville Network? Frasier: Oh, who am I kidding?! I'm worried sick! [Frasier and Niles exit as Sherry sits down with the remote.] [Scene Four - Horse Stables. Martin is feeding Agides as the boys enter quietly.] Martin: Here you go. Hey, no offense, but your teeth look like hell! I gotta tell you, the rest of you's not looking that much better either. Do you want me to give you a little rubdown, huh? [he uses the brush] Ah, that takes me back. Of course, your coat was a lot shinier in those days. Hell, so was mine. [laughs] We were something, weren't we Agides, huh? Riding crowd control. People'd just step aside to let us pass. Now, they're putting you out to pasture and I'm riding the buses. It's fun getting old, isn't it?! Hey, this is a nice place here, you know. I bet you're really going to like it here. [A horse near the entrance begins to lick Niles's face. He makes some noise whilst trying to stop him, however Frasier quiets him.] Martin: And you know, if you don't like it here, then we'll do what we said we would. We'll just go to Montana, start a ranch. [the boys are shocked] You know, we still got all that money we took from those drug dealers buried in the old box canyon. Frasier: [realises] All right, dad, we know you know we're here. Martin: Well, why don't you get the hell out of here? Niles: Dad... Martin: Look, I just want to be alone with him, is that all right with you? Frasier: All right, fine, we'll see you later. [starts to exit, then] You know, it is a little troubling that you feel more comfortable talking to your horse than you do to your sons. Niles: Actually, we might be able to help you with what you're going through; the ageing process... Martin: Now, come on, now, stop it. You see, this is the problem. I know everything you're going to say. First of all, you'll start talking about sixty-five as being some sort of passage. And then you'll start spouting these theories and quoting Freud and who knows what else until by the time you get through analysing me, I'm going to be sixty-six! Look, when I tell Agides something, you know what he does? Nothing. He just listens to me. Niles: We listen. Frasier: That's my slogan; "I'm Listening." You know, dad, listening is the foundation... [Niles and Frasier start rabbiting on about the usefulness of listening without putting their theory into practice. Martin glances at them.] Frasier: Right. Niles: Shush. Frasier: Shush! Martin: When I saw Agides today, it was kinda of a shock to see how old he's gotten and I just... It made me realise how old I've gotten. Frasier: Dad, you still have a lot of... Martin: Now, come on... Frasier: Sorry, sorry. Martin: Look, it's not a problem you can solve, Frasier. It's just a fact of life. People get old. Niles: Well, I guess this horse wasn't quite the banner gift I thought it would be. Martin: Oh, yes, it was, Niles. I'm feeling a little bit sorry for myself right now, but I'll get over that. But I love this horse, it's the greatest present I've ever gotten. [Niles notices Frasier beginning to writhe in envy again.] Niles: Well, I'm glad, dad, but, you know, I think I may have misled you. The horse is from me and from Frasier. [Frasier is moved by this.] Martin: Oh, Jeez, I'm sorry. Thanks a lot, Fras'. Frasier: Well, actually, it was mostly Niles's idea. Martin: Well, then, thanks to both of you. [The three Crane man are happy.] Martin: It's just great. Well, come on, we ought to get going. Let's get a move on. [to Agides] See ya, buddy. [exits] Frasier: Niles, what a generous gesture. How can I ever thank you? Niles: Well... [takes out his mobile] by calling your super and getting rid of that monstrosity in your apartment! I do visit from time to time, you know. [Niles dials a number on his mobile and hands it to Frasier.] [End of Act Two] [SCENE_BREAK] That evening, the corridor outside Frasier's apartment contains all the speakers and the big screen TV. The elevator doors open as Frasier and Niles drag Martin off whilst he wears the blindfold. They guide him past the eyesores and into the apartment where a worker is removing the final speakers. They get Martin to the table, take off his blindfold and show him his cake. Daphne and Sherry divert his attention whilst Frasier throws the remote to a worker as he closes the door on the present.

Plan: A: Martin's 65th birthday; Q: What is the occasion? A: Niles; Q: Who found Agides? A: his birthday party; Q: What does Sherry have big plans for? A: his beloved police horse Agides; Q: What was Martin's beloved horse's name? A: life-size; Q: What size is the picture of Martin and Agides going to be? A: a very large television; Q: What does Frasier buy Martin for his birthday? Summary: It is Martin's 65th birthday, and Frasier and Niles compete to get him the best present. Sherry has big plans for his birthday party, and has found a picture of Martin back in his police days of him aboard his beloved police horse Agides, which she intends to blow up to life-size, with Martin recalling how much he used to love the horse. Frasier buys a very large television for Martin, but Niles has managed to track down Agides and secured him a stable where Martin can visit any time he likes. Frasier realizes Niles has won, and the pair take their father down to the stables to meet Agides. After the party, Niles and Frasier discover their father once again at the stables talking to Agides about the sadness of aging, which causes Niles to graciously say that Agides came from both he and Frasier.

(Sydney comes to in a dark room without any windows. She's sitting on a cot with a bare mattress. She touches her neck where the gun was shot. She sits up, looks around and sees a door. Standing up, she starts to walk towards it but her foot is chained to the wall. She looks around and sits down, defeated.) (Sloane's office. Rusik sits in front of his desk.) SLOANE: We've known for some time that we had a mole, that someone was working against us. When you were in Geneva with Agent Bristow, we picked up a transmission. A third party. It confirmed what some in security section thought for weeks -- that Agent Bristow was that mole. When you were in the field with Bristow, there was no indication? RUSIK: Nothing. SLOANE: Hmm. Well, we need to determine the extent of damange done to us. RUSIK: What can I do? SLOANE: You have to convince Bristow that we believe the two of you were working together and that if she doesn't reveal to us the work that she's done against us, we'll torture you... to death. RUSIK: Are you sure that will work? SLOANE: Threat to colleague is a fundamental interrogation technique. Sydney in particular... (He trails off, looking down.) SLOANE: Yes. I think that she will respond. (Rusik stands, preparing to leave.) SLOANE: Mr. Rusik, you understand that we need to make it appear that you were questioned. (He nods reluctantly.) (In the room, Sydney looks up when the door opens and two agents holding Rusik walk in. Rusik is beaten and bloody. They throw him down on the bed, chain him to the wall, and walk out.) RUSIK: They think I'm part of this... SYDNEY: What do you mean? RUSIK: Don't play games with me! You know what I'm talking about. A transmission was sent from our position in Geneva. At the bank. They know it was one of us. They want to know how much damage has been done to them. There's only one person in this room that can answer that question, Sydney. I don't know who you're working for, but I need you to tell them what you know. They said they're going to kill me, Sydney... slowly. (Sydney steps closer and stares intently at him.) SYDNEY: Do you believe them? RUSIK: They're not bluffing. SYDNEY: Do you believe them? RUSIK: (blinking rapidly) Yes. (Sydney stares.) (At SD-6, Jack walks up to Sydney's desk and sees that it's spotless. Her computer's been removed.) JACK: Has Sydney Bristow moved her desk? AGENT: Nah. Security section cleared it out about an hour ago. (Two agents with guns walk in.) AGENT1: Get on your knees! Put your heads down on the floor! NOW! (Sydney and Rusik do so immediately.) AGENT1: Sloane wants to know if you're ready to talk to him. (Rusik stares over at Sydney. She looks at him then stares at the ground.) SYDNEY: No. Tell him I have nothing to say. (Jack walks in to Steven's office -- security section operative.) JACK: Steven, what's going on? Talk to me. STEVEN: What do you know? JACK: What do I know? STEVEN: Have you talked to Sloane? JACK: I came to you first. STEVEN: You should talk to Sloane. JACK: Steven, please-- STEVEN: Jack, just do me a favor-- JACK: I need you to tell me what's happening! STEVEN: You didn't hear this from me. (pause) While Sydney and Rusik were in Geneva, a transmission was recorded from her location and it was not one of ours. JACK: You think it was Sydney? STEVEN: This is not the first indication that she... might be working for someone else. JACK: What exactly do they know? (Steven hands over a report on the situation. Jack starts reading it right away, his eyes searching through the page.) STEVEN: Jack, I'm sorry. (In the interrogation room, Sydney is belted into a chair. When that agent leaves, she tries to undo them but someone comes in wearing a lab coat. He puts rubber gloves on. He takes out a tape recorder and puts it on a tray near Sydney were some doctor's tools are resting. She breathes heavily.) (Jack enters an empty room at SD-6, puts down his briefcase, and looks around.) (The doctor holds up a stun gun, letting it flare. Sydney looks away.) SYDNEY: My name is Sydney Bristow. I've seen you in the office. I always wondered what you did. (He puts a band around her arm.) SYDNEY: Aah! I guess this is what you do... (The doctor takes out a large needle.) (Marshall types on his computer. His face scrunches up.) (In Sloane's office, he stares off in the distance. Marshall stands in front of him, holding a piece of paper.) MARSHALL: Sir, I-I think you should see this. (Sloane takes it. Marshall looks down. Sloane looks at him, shocked.) (The doctor fills up the syringe with a pinkish liquid.) SYDNEY: All I'm saying is, maybe you and I should talk before we get started... (He's about to put the needle in her arm. He feels for a vein, is about to put the needle in... when the door opens and an agent walks in.) AGENT1: Change of plans. (Sloane's office. Sydney was brought there right from the interrogation room. She stands in front of his desk, looking like crap.) SLOANE: For the past few weeks, you've been under suspicion. We knew we had a mole and there were signs that indicated that it was you. And then when you were in Geneva, we picked up a third-party transmission and it seemed to confirm that you betrayed SD-6. And what I just learned is that it wasn't your transmission. It was Rusik's. SYDNEY: Rusik... (Interrogation room. Rusik is thrown into the now vacated chair and is belted down.) RUSIK: What is this? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? I want to talk to Sloane! (The agents hold him down as the doctor gets out the same needle he was about to use on Sydney.) RUSIK: I want to TALK TO SLOANE! No, no, no! (They put the needle in.) RUSIK: NOOOOOOOO! (Back in Sloane's office. Sloane smiles and gets up, walks to her.) SLOANE: Sydney... I never believed that you would betray us, and when I realized that it was Rusik who was the mole... I felt vindicated. (He puts his arms out for a hug. Sydney stares at his smiling face. She puts her hands in his and smiles tightly.) (Flower stand, day. Sydney stands, looking at the variety of flowers on display, smelling a few. Vaughn sits at the table next to the stand, pretending to read the paper.) VAUGHN: That's impossible. SYDNEY: I know. VAUGHN: You're telling me that in Geneva, Rusik was transmitting to K-Directorate at the exact same time you were transmitting to the C.I.A.? SYDNEY: And that SD-6 picke dup his transmission and not mine. VAUGHN: You should know that the C.I.A. has no record of contact between him and Russian intelligence. SYDNEY: In the cell, when Rusik was trying to get me to talk, I asked him questions about his interrogation. When he told me that they threatened to kill him, he was blinking at erratic intervals -- a classic indication that he was lying. So, I didn't talk only because I knew he wasn't in any real danger. Either Sloane still thinks I'm the mole and is using me somehow... VAUGHN: No. If Sloane still suspected you, he wouldn't run the risk of letting you go free. SYDNEY: Or two, Rusik actually is K-Directorate. VAUGHN: Or three... SYDNEY: Rusik was a sacrificial lamb. That he was innocent, was set up to get me out. (She looks at Vaughn, peering at him suspiciously.) SYDNEY: At first I thought maybe it was the C.I.A. VAUGHN: No, it wasn't. The truth is, Rusik could very well have been working for the K-Directorate so let's just assume for the moment that you're the luckiest girl in town. (He gets up and picks up a bag that was at his feet. It's a gift bag, with little snowmen on it. He stands next to Sydney and puts the bag down on the ground.) SYDNEY: Sorry that I called you on the weekend. It's juust that I needed to talk to you. VAUGHN: You don't ever have to apologize for calling me. Speaking of which, I got you something. SYDNEY: What? No, you didn't. VAUGHN: (embarrassed) I don't know. I was in this store, you know, um... this little antique place. SYDNEY: (big smile) What were you doing in an antique store? VAUGHN: I don't know. (laughs nervously) Whatever. Um, look, if you don't like it just... don't tell me. SYDNEY: Okay. VAUGHN: Merry Christmas. SYDNEY: Merry Christmas. (He walks away.) (Sydney and Francie's. Amy and Will are playing "Boggle" with Sydney and Fran.) FRANCIE: Is "harn" a word? SYDNEY: It's crazy, Will. FRANCIE: Time's up, time's up! WILL: Hold on, hold on. (still writing) FRANCIE: Stop, stop! SYDNEY: Will! WILL: Okay, okay. SYDNEY: Who's going to go first? Okay, Amy? AMY: No. Will? WILL: Okay. "Numpce." FRANCIE: Numpce? That's not a word. I challenge. SYDNEY: I think numpce is a word. (She gets out the dictionary next to her and starts flipping through the pages.) WILL: Numpce is totally a word. FRANCIE: So not a word. WILL: I can't believe you're even questioning this. SYDNEY: Here it is. (reading) "Numpce"-- WILL: Thank you. SYDNEY: "A fool; a blockhead." FRANCIE: All right, your brother's so annoying. AMY: I got "numpce," too. WILL: What? Dammit! Dammit! FRANCIE: Dude! (laughs) (Sydney's beeper goes off.) SYDNEY: I got to go to work. I'm sorry. (She gets up.) WILL: Okay, this is ridiculous. Can we all have a talk about what you do for a living? SYDNEY: I know. There are these bankruptcies... WILL: Okay, you know what? It doesn't even make sense anymore. No one works as hard as you do. It's not like you're a brain surgeon, getting a call in the middle of the night to save a life. I mean, there are bankruptcies. How much are they paying you to live like this? SYDNEY: Not enough. WILL: I'm going to actually call them and quit for you right now. SYDNEY: Will, I can't quit my job. (Will gets up and walks to her.) WILL: Why? Why? Because, like, you just have to be, like, the greatest banker? SYDNEY: Will, it's my job. I want to do it well. WILL: Okay, congratulations, me too. But at what cost? Syd, I think... I think you're acting like a numpce. SYDNEY: Look, to you, my job might seem pointless and stupid but it's not. It's far from pointless and if you knew what I delt with every day, you might even thank me for doing my job so well! WILL: (confused) What the hell are you talking about? SYDNEY: Nothing. I'm going to work. I'll see you guys. (She leaves.) (SD-6. Meeting in the conference room with Jack, Sloane and Sydney.) SLOANE: Anini Hassan is a wanted man. He's been selling arms to K-Directorate and is now, we believe, looking to partner up with one of a number of rogue nations. This is the last documented photograph of Hassan, taken almost a month ago in Madrid. Since then, we've put a lot of manpower into finding him. We've come up with nothing. Last week, thanks to Agent Bristow, we were able to seize a majority fo Mr. Hassan's assets. We were hoping that would help us to smoke him out. We think it has. JACK: Sig int picked up a burst of communications originating from this private island. SYDNEY: What's there? JACK: Private resort. More hideout than hideaway. It's a fugitive's paradise -- extradition's notoriously lax. This entire place is heavily secure, but anyone can buy entry for a price. SYDNEY: You think Hassan's there? SLOANE: No, it's not likely. But he gave us a lead. Severin Driscoll. Former resident of the U.K., master forger, military advisor. And now self-employed. Semba Island has been his home over the past twelve years. SYDNEY: You think Driscoll made Hassan new identity papers? SLOANE: It's our best bet. You go in as Victoria King, daughter of industrialist Martin King. Your assignment is to locate Driscoll and ascertain the new identity of Anini Hassan. (Later, Jack walks up to Sydney near her desk.) JACK: Sydney. I heard about what happened. Are you all right? SYDNEY: I'm fine. JACK: Rusik. It was a shock. SYDNEY: You didn't-- JACK: What? SYDNEY: Have anything to do with that? JACK: What? Do you mean did I engineer it somehow? No, Sydney, of course not. (Self-storage facility; meeting with Vaughn.) VAUGHN: He was killed. Rusik. Last night. In Kenya, if you do find Driscoll, and Hassan's new identity, if he has one-- SYDNEY: I'll keep it away from SD-6 and give it to you. (In the electronics store, Neville and Will listen to the tape. The gunshots can be heard.) NEVILLE: Hear that? WILL: What? NEVILLE: That pitch. Definitely nine-millimeter. That was a close-range hit. (gunshots) Twice in the chest. Once in the head. WILL: Yeah. That's exactly how Eloise Kurtz was killed. Whoever sent me this tape wanted me to hear her getting killed. Why in the hell would he want that? NEVILLE: You don't know if it's a he. You hear that? That delay before the last one? That's the one in the head. WILL: Can we isolate that? NEVILLE: Yeah, I can definitely improve on it. (He starts clicking around his computer, making changes, playing it over and over again.) WILL: See, this tape was made from that pin I gave you. It was from the bug. NEVILLE: So, whoever paid that girl to say she was Kate Jones is the same person who gave her the pin, who is the same person who sent you the tape. WILL: No, not necessarily. Someone else could have given her the pin, or replaced the one she had with a bug, and even if that was the same person, this thing was on a wireless transmitter so someone else could ahve made this tape. NEVILLE: Hey, hey, we're getting somewhere. WILL: Why would someone send the fake Kate Jones and want me to hear this? NEVILLE: Wait, wait, shh. WILL: What was that? NEVILLE: Hold on. (He plays the tape over again. This time the voices are much clearer and not garbled at all.) MAN: Did you tell him about SD-6? About SD-6?! WILL: "SD-6." "SD-6"? Play that back. MAN: Did you tell him about SD-6? WILL: What the--what the hell is SD-6? (At Will's, Sydney drives up and knocks on his door. Will peers through the blinds and opens the door.) WILL: Hey. SYDNEY: I'm sorry that I was, like, snippy with you about my job. WILL: Oh, you know, it's your job. You're allowed to be. SYDNEY: I was a jerk. I'm sorry I was a jerk. WILL: You don't have to apologize to me. I was just--I've just seen you working so hard lately, so I... SYDNEY: Yeah, I know. That's why I'm here. I was talking to Francie and I need to do something that isn't job-related. So maybe the four of us could go to Lake Arrowhead or something for a few days next week. I mean, I've got a trip tonight-- WILL: (smiles) Of course you do. SYDNEY: But I'm off all next week. WILL: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm in. (A door closes somewhere in his house.) SYDNEY: You're not here alone, are you? (Jenny comes out wearing one of Will's shirts.) JENNY: Hey. SYDNEY: Hi, Jenny. JENNY: Hi. WILL: Do you, uh, do you want to come in? SYDNEY: No, thanks. I'm going to go. JENNY: Okay! It was good to see you though! SYDNEY: You, too. Bye. WILL: Bye. (Will closes the door. Sydney starts walking to her car and stops.) SYDNEY: Hmm. (Kenya. Sydney waltzes in the lobby of the resort, wearing a long blonde curly wig and pink sunglasses. She approaches the counter.) EMPLOYEE: May I help you? SYDNEY: I'm Victoria King. You're expecting me. EMPLOYEE: Welcome to Semba Island, Ms. King. Let me check on your suite. One moment please. (Flashback to Marshall at SD-6.) MARSHALL: Okay, um, this place you're going to is swank. I mean, it's, like, super-swank. Which is why I made you these puppies. (He picks up the pink sunglasses.) MARSHALL: Now, not only do they take pictures silently and have a telephoto lens, but... (He puts them on and looks quite silly.) MARSHALL: They're super-swank. (Back on Semba, Sydney walks by the pool and looks around. She sees Driscoll and touches the arm of her glasses. They zoom in an take pictures of him and a bodyguard he has who stands nearby. Sydney turns to go back into the lobby and bumps into someone.) SYDNEY: Oh, excuse me. MAN: I'm sorry. EMPLOYEE: Ms. King, your suite is ready. Enjoy your stay. SYDNEY: I'll try. (Later, Sydney sits on a lounge chair, wearing a black bikini and drinking. She walks over to where Driscoll sits and takes the chair next to him. Driscoll doesn't hide the fact that he's checking her out.) SYDNEY: I'm very sorry about the music. DRISCOLL: Excuse me? SYDNEY: When I drink too much, I play my music too loudly. Last night, I drank too much. (They smile flirtatiously.) DRISCOLL: I didn't hear any music last night. SYDNEY: That's impossible! You are the man from suite forty-seven? DRISCOLL: No, I wish I were. Severin Driscoll. SYDNEY: Victoria King. You look so familiar. Where are you staying? DRISCOLL: I'm a resident here. Suite three-fifty. You, um, have... a standing invitation. SYDNEY: I'm so embarrassed. DRISCOLL: I like loud music. SYDNEY: I'll see you around. (She gets up and walks away.) (In a parking garage, Will jogs up to a man.) WILL: Mr. Stoller! Hi. Hi. I'm Will Tippin, I left you a message? MR. STOLLER: Yeah. WILL: How you doing? I'm a reporter and I'm doing research on something called SD-6. And I did a search for it, it came up with one match. It was a deposition from a case that you had tried, The People vs. David McNeil. MR. STOLLER: Yeah. David McNeil's an old friend of mine. WILL: Great. Do you recall a reference to SD-6? MR. STOLLER: No, I'm sorry. I don't. Discovery lasted years. WILL: Well, you know, I'm really trying to figure out what exactly SD-6 is. Do you think maybe Mr. McNeil was a part of it? MR. STOLLER: David McNeil is a regular guy. A computer programmer. He started a business that people wanted to buy. One company in particular wouldn't take no for an answer and when David said no, that same day, the government started an investigation. He was charged with larceny after trust and eventually was sentenced to sixteen years. WILL: If he's such an innocent, why'd he plea bargain? (Pause.) MR. STOLLER: His wife killed herself. His daughter -- my goddaughter -- now lives with my wife and I. David wantd to be sure nothing happened to her. WILL: So you think Mrs. McNeil was murdered? (Sydney walks down the hallway of the resort, pulls out a cell phone.) (Flashback to Marshall.) MARSHALL: Cell phone, right? Obviously a cell phone. But observe. (He presses down and a card slides out from the phone.) MARSHALL: This unscrambles any standard jeri-code key card system, which is what they use on Semba Island. (Back at the resort, Sydney looks at the phone and takes out the card. She inserts it into the lock on door 350. Inside, she shuts the door behind her and quickly starts looking around Driscoll's room. Outside, the bodyguard walks down the hall to the room. Sydney goes to the desk and rifles through the papers and finds several passports. The bodyguard walks down the hall, coming closer. Sydney moves to the computer and starts typing. The bodyguard enters and she looks up. He takes out a gun and points it at her.) BODYGUARD: Who the hell are you? SYDNEY: Where the HELL is Severin? He was supposed to meet me here twenty minutes ago! You are pointing that gun at me! Put that down! BODYGUARD: Who are you? SYDNEY: Who am I?! Well, look at me closely. You don't know this face? You don't know who I am? BODYGUARD: No. (Sydney grabs his arm and elbows him in the stomach. He grunts she kicks his arm and then kicks him in the stomach. The force of the kick sends him tumbling backwards against the glass wall dividing the room. The wall shatters and the bodyguard is sprawled out on the floor. Sydney stares. Behind the wall is a doctor's chair, an IV bag and a monitor. She inches closer, looking at the pictures on the monitor. She clicks a button. A picture of the old Hassan and the new Hassan. Sydney remembers bumping into the man downstairs...) MAN: I'm sorry. (It's him -- Hassan. With a new face. She remembers seeing him shoot his colleague in front of her.) HASSAN: I'm sorry you had to see that. (Same voice. Same guy.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Sloane's office. He talks to Jack.) SLOANE: Anini Hassan doesn't just have a new name; he has a new face, and is living in Havana. He's now using the alias Nebseni Sahd, and as you know, he broke an agreement with SD-6. He has stolen from us. The whole community is watching. We need to set an example with Hassan. JACK: Any intel about where in Havana he might be? SLOANE: No, we don't know. That's why I'm sending you to Cuba. I need you to rendezvous with the usual contacts. Locate Hassan and take care of it. Thank you. JACK: I heard about Rusik. And now with Hassan... I understand it's been a difficult week. (Pause.) SLOANE: One night... God, this is years ago... maybe two years before you and I met, I'd just finished my first far east briefing at the White House. I was new to the C.I.A. After the meting, everyone got into a limousine to head back to Langley but I didn't. I told them I was going to walk for a while. They all looke at me sort of funny. I mean, it was a cold night so I said I needed to get some air, but the truth is... I was overcome. It had occurred to me, as I was walking down the White House steps that I was living in a perfect moment. Everything was filled with promise. My role at the C.I.A., my relationship with a wife that I had not yet met. Still, I could feel a darkness coming so I wandered around for a while. Ended up at the Jefferson Memorial. It's always my favorite one. Looked out across the basin. Lincoln right there. I didn't know how it would finally materialize -- the darkness. I had nothing to base it on. It wasn't as if the C.I.A. had just betrayed me, that my wife had just been diagnosed with lymphoma. None of that had happened yet. So, whenever life takes an unfortunate turn, as it has this week, I just remind myself that I could see it coming all along. I want Hassan... dead. Before the weekend. (Self-storage. Sydney takes out some files for Vaughn.) SYDNEY: Hassan's new identity if Nebseni Sahd and uh, this is his passport number. I got back to Los Angeles and met with Sloane. I told him that Kenya was a failure, that I was unable to find out Hassan's new identity. VAUGHN: Sloane found out last night, that Hassan... or whatever his name is now... is in Cuba. Sloane sent your father to Cuba to kill Hassan. After your father mete with Sloane, he met with me. (Said meeting, in a van parked in an alley.) JACK: I'm leaving for Cuba in thirty minutes. What's the countermission? VAUGHN: Sloane might want Hassan dead, but the C.I.A. needs him alive. We need his client list. It'll tell us what weapons he sold. Who's got them. It's invaluable. JACK: Mr. Vaughn, I don't need a lesson in the international arms trade. VAUGHN: Fine. Go to Cuba, use your contacts, get to Hassan. But instead of taking him out, you'll tell him the truth. That SD-6 sent you to kill him. You'll then convince him that you're turning on SD-6, that you're planning on leaving them, and that you're willing to fake his death in exchange for his client list. JACK: You're making a huge mistake. VAUGHN: (pissed) Am I? JACK: Trusting a man like Hassan. VAUGHN: There will be a C.I.A. team waiting there where his death is to be faked. Hassan will never be a free man again. (Back in the self-storage.) SYDNEY: And that's all that happened? VAUGHN: That's it. Your father's getting Hassan for the C.I.A. (Sydney stares at him intently. She suspects he's lying.) VAUGHN: What? SYDNEY: Nothing. I got to go, I've got friends coming. VAUGHN: Francie, right? SYDNEY: Yeah, and Will. VAUGHN: Will. (He nods like he knows who Will is.) SYDNEY: I'll see you. VAUGHN: Okay. (She leaves and Vaughn sighs.) (Back to the meeting with Jack... what Vaughn lied about.) VAUGHN: Hassan will never be a free man again. JACK: I'll make contact by six pm tomorrow. (Jack stands up to leave.) VAUGN: I got a copy of Rusik's transmission. The one SD-6 intercepted. (Jack turns.) VAUGHN: I also went through the C.I.A. logs and compared the two. They don't match. You fixed the transmission. Made it look like it was Rusik by altering the signal's point of origin and changing the message contact. (Jack is seething with anger.) JACK: Whoever the hell you think you are -- checking up on me, pulling my file, second-guessing my choices -- let's just both face the facts. You're not that person. Neither your experience, nor your intelligence has earned you the right to question a thing that I do. Now, I'm going to make two suggestions. One, that you stop it. And two, that the next time they assign you to be my handler, you kindly decline. VAUGHN: Rusik never transmitted a thing, did he? JACK: Of course he didn't. If you got the SD-6 transmission, why the hell are you asking me? VAUGHN: I never got the SD-6 transmission. It was just a hunch. (Pause.) JACK: I'd just learned that my daughter was about to be tortured, Mr. Vaughn. Most likely, executed. I had no time to go for help. (From earlier, Jack walks in the empty room, puts his briefcase down on the table and looks around. He opens the briefcase, moves the false bottom and finds a small circular object that looks about the size of a smoke detector next to his laptop. He walks into the computer room where a guy stands around.) JACK: Some of the monitors went out int he op tech room. I want you to check every connection. NOW! (The guy runs out, terrified of Jack. Now that he's alone, Jack slaps the object on the side of the server and walks out. In the room where he was before, he starts typing on his laptop.) JACK: (voice over) I knew that altering the transmission was a dangerous gamble. Thye could have detected a disruption, but it was all I could do. (Later, Jack walks outside Sloane's office and sees that moment when Sloane outstretched his arms and Sydney put her hands in his. Jack watches them and walks away. Back in the van with Vaughn...) JACK: And now, you can judge what I've done. I don't give a damn what you do. (He leaves.) (At Sydney and Francie's, Will walks in Sydney's bedroom with snowshoes on. He carries a glass of red wine. Sydney comes out of her adjoining bathroom, brushing her wet hair.) WILL: Syd? SYDNEY: Thank you! (She takes the glass of wine and takes a drink.) SYDNEY: Still got the shoes on? WILL: Yeah, have you ever worn snowhoes before? SYDNEY: Nuh uh. WILL: Oh, you gotta get with the program. There's, like, an artform to this. (He sees Vaughn's present sitting on her bed.) WILL: What's that? SYDNEY: Oh, nothing. That's... some guy at work gave it to me. WILL: Oh, yeah? Not Dixon. SYDNEY: No, he's still recovering. Just... some other guy. WILL: Some guy? Do I know him? (He picks up the bag, leaving it dangle off his finger.) SYDNEY: No, he's no one. WILL: Really? (You can tell Will's jealous.) WILL: He's just... some guy. That's nice. That's nice. No, that he, you know, that he... that he gave you that. (He takes her glass of wine from her, takes a drink.) SYDNEY: I don't know. It was weird. WILL: Why? How come? SYDNEY: I don't know. (She takes the glass back.) WILL: Maybe he likes you. SYDNEY: No! WILL: Maybe he does. SYDNEY: No, he doesn't like me. WILL: If he knows you, Syd, chances are he likes you. SYDNEY: He doesn't like me the way Jenny likes you. WILL: The way Jenny? Oh, come on. SYDNEY: She looked nice in your shirt, by the way. WILL: It's a nice shirt. SYDNEY: Nice and snug. WILL: Okay, easy with the cheap shots. SYDNEY: I'm sorry, it was very flattering. (takes a drink) WILL: Whatever. I was just saying that I think that-- FRANCIE: (off screen) WILL! WILL: (shouts back) Okay! Iron Chef in there needs me. (They smile goofily at each other. Will clambers out of the room, still wearing the snowshoes.) (Out in the kitchen...) WILL: So, this guy gave her a Christmas present in there. You know, some guy from the office. Some guy. FRANCIE: So? WILL: You didn't know about it? FRANCIE: Know what? What's to know? I did hear about you, though. WILL: About what? FRANCIE: About you and the cheerleader. WILL: Okay, first of all, she's not a cheerleader anymore and second, the relationship doesn't mean anything. FRANCIE: Mmm-hmm. (In her bedroom, Sydney looks at the gift bag from Vaughn and opens it. She takes off the pink tissue paper and finds an antique picture frame. She smiles. You can tell she loves it. Right away, she pulls down her hat box and starts going through the pictures, finding the perfect one for it. She sees one of her and her mom. She's about to put it in when she sees a picture of little Sydney and Jack. She's on his shoulders, and Jack has a smile on his face for once. She stares at it.) (Self-storage.) SYDNEY: I found this old picture. Me and my father. I was just staring at it and for some reason, I remember asking him about Santa Claus. VAUGHN: Santa Claus. SYDNEY: Yeah. If he was real. If Santa Claus was real. My father would answer me in this... flat, factual way. "Yes, of course he's real." Every time I asked. The thing is, I knew he was lying. That's why I'd ask him again. When I questioned him about Rusik, he was the same way. I wanted to believe him, but looking at that stupid picture, I realized Rusik wasn't K-Directorate. He wan't the guilty one. I was. VAUGHN: Sydney-- SYDNEY: Rusik did nothing wrong. But because of what my father did, he was killed. VAUGHN: Rusik wasn't such an innocent. You want to know about Rusik? He was an early member of SD-6. He knew he was working for the bad guys. He was the leader of at least a dozen operations that stole weapons and chemicals and intel and sold them to the enemies of the United States for cash to fund more SD-6 operations. Just like the one that killed your fiance. He got what he deserved! SYDNEY: If you know so much about Rusik, then you knew he wasn't K-Directorate. VAUGHN: It seems he was sacrificed, yes. SYDNEY: Well, see, that's not a choice my dad can just make! VAUGHN: What would you have done, if it had been your daughter? Or son? ...Or Danny? (Vaughn stops, knowing he went too far. Sydney tears up. He turns his back to her and sighs, rubbing his forehead.) VAUGHN: Listen, there's something else. (In Cuba. Jack sits at a table at a cafe, reading a newspaper and looking up and down the street, waiting to meet someone.) VAUGHN: (voice over) In Cuba, your father made contact with an old informant. A Havana insider who set up the meeting between your father and Hassan's men. SYDNEY: (voice over) What happened? (Jack waits at the table. The informant walks to him, a gun at his side. He points the gun at Jack. Jack bolts to his feet, throws the table at the man. The man goes down, but two other goons come to Jack. One flips him to the ground. They shove their guns in Jack's face.) (Self-storage, continuing.) VAUGHN: Sydney... Hassan has your father. SYDNEY: What's being done? VAUGHN: We have a team in place in Havana, but Devlin doesn't want to move yet. He says sending a C.I.A. team to scour the countryside will only attract the kind of attention we cant afford. (She steps closer to Vaughn.) SYDNEY: You said you understood what my father did for me. That he couldn't just wait and do nothing. (He nods.) SYDNEY: Then you'll understand that I'm going to need your help to get to Cuba. (Lomboc federal penitentiary. Will sits behind the glass at the desk of phones, waiting. David McNeil walks in and sits down. They pick up the phones and start talking to each other through the glass.) WILL: Hi. I'm Will Tippin. DAVID: David McNeil. WILL: Thank you for meeting with me. Do you mind if I...? (He gestures to a notepad in front of him and puts on his glasses.) DAVID: No, that's all right. WILL: Great. DAVID: So, in the letter you sent, you weren't real specific. You're doing an article on encryption software? WILL: Yeah, um... no. Not really. I mean, I think that's an interesting topic. It's timely and, you know, we can't do that. DAVID: So why are we sitting here? WILL: I'm researching something. It's called SD-6. (David looks away.) DAVID: I don't have anything to say about that. WILL: Why don't you just tell me what you know? I mean, just-- DAVID: I don't know anything. WILL: Why don't you tell me what you suspect? DAVID: I don't suspect anything. WILL: I met with Robert Stoller. (David freezes.) WILL: He told me about your wife. DAVID: Listen to me. Stay away from him! Do you understand? Don't talk to him again! (He shoves the phone at the glass. Will is startled and watches him go.) (Havana. Sydney shows a picture of Jack to a few people. One guy nods and points to where Jack was assaulted.) (In Hassan's mansion, Jack sits in a chair with his arms tied behind his back. A few goons stand around with guns. Jack's face is bruised and bleeding. Hassan enters.) HASSAN: My men, they told me that you have contacted them. How? JACK: I knew how to ask and who to ask for, Nebseni Sahd. That's your new name. I know it. SD-6 knows it. HASSAN: SD-6 is your employer? JACK: Yes. (Hassan punches him. Blood starts pouring out from Jack's lip. He grunts in pain.) HASSAN: They will learn what happens when they send someone after me. JACK: Wait... I have an offer to make. That's why I'm here... (Outside the house, a guard stands around. Sydney kicks him in the head and punches him. He goes down.) (Inside the room, continuing...) JACK: You think SD-6 ripped you off, so you stole from them and you disappeared. Now they've stolen a good deal of your money and they want you dead. HASSAN: SD-6 will never kill me. JACK: You're too smart to bleieve that. Think about Isaac Lochan or Ulee Shroeder. They will find you. They have a photograph of you from Semba Island. HASSAN: How? JACK: That's the same question you'll be asking yourself the moment before they kill you. HASSAN: What's your offer? JACK: You have something of value to me. Your client list. I want it. Not for SD-6. For me. For my own personal use. (Hassan laughs.) JACK: You give me your client list and I'll give you your freedom. HASSAN: How? JACK: We'll fake your death, you and I, together. And I'll return to SD-6 and show them the photographs. They'll think you're no longer a problem. You'll be free. (Sydney runs outside the house and looks around. A guard comes up from behind her. She punches him. He takes her down by sweeping her legs out from under her. He then hits her with the but of his gun.) (They take Jack and and throw him into a chair outside.) HASSAN: How do I know that you are not setting me up and how do I know that if I give you my list that I worked decades to assemble, you're not simply going to shoot me anyway? JACK: Because you can trust me. Think about it. I'm the one who contacted your men. If I really wanted to kill you, all I'd have to do is wait. Keep my mouth shut. You didn't know that you'd been ID'd with your new face. You would've walked into town. I could've popped you in the head like a deer. If you say yes to this, we both win -- big. If you say no, we both die. It's your call. (Hassan's men walks in and speaks in Spanish to Hassan. They tell them about finding Sydney.) HASSAN: Gracias. Interesting! JACK: What? HASSAN: Well... I think you make a good offer, but I still don't know if I can trust you completely. So, prove to me that you are willing to go against SD-6. JACK: Anything. HASSAN: You say you came alone? JACK: Yes. HASSAN: Well then, there is someone else here... (Jack turns, frantically, and sees two men carrying an unconscious Sydney. They throw her down on the floor and she comes to.) HASSAN: Someone who works for SD-6. (He slaps her. Jack looks away, pained. Sydney sits up, groggy, and looks at them. They point their guns at Jack. Hassan unties his hands and gives him a gun.) HASSAN: Here. Kill her. (Jack takes the gun.) HASSAN: Aim the gun at this woman if you are who you say you are, and kill her. (Sydney stares. The guards all have their guns pointed at Jack. He raises the gun and points it at his own daughter...)

Plan: A: Vaughn; Q: Who is Sydney's CIA handler? A: SD-6; Q: What is the name of the organization that Sydney's father works for? A: Christmas; Q: What holiday is Sydney given a gift? A: Their relationship; Q: What remains halted? A: Sloane; Q: Who has ordered Sydney's death? Summary: Sydney briefs her CIA handler, Vaughn, on her recent captivity at SD-6 and is surprised when he unexpectedly gives her a Christmas gift. Their relationship remains halted because they both know that they can't endanger her position by going out in the open about it, but Sydney also seems to like him more than she would admit. Meanwhile Jack has to find a way to save Sydney when he discovers that Sloane has been convinced she's the mole and has given orders to torture and kill her. Will may be making the mistake of his life when he begins to research a name heard on a mysterious audio cassette --SD-6.

Opening scene - Cohen backyard - Ryan and Luke are walking to the pool house. this is set the morning after Marissa ran out of the pool house upset Ryan: (sighs) think, where else could she be Luke: (sighs) (shrugs) I don't know...man we've ben all over town twice...i'm sorry I jus don't know what to do at this point Ryan: we're not givin up we jus gotta figure this thing out (Luke looks at him) alright when she left she was upset so she probably went somewhere she was-she was she would feel safe right Luke: yeah well somewhere no ones even gonna think to look for her Ryan: including us apparently Luke: (sighs) well maybe she called, where's Cohen (they are now entering the pool house) Ryan: yeah maybe she called an he went after...her (we see Seth curled up on Ryan's bed sound asleep) Luke: maybe he's asleep, hey Cohen (kicks Seth) get up! (Seth jumps awake) Seth: it's my precious you can't have it (Ryan & Luke both look at him) hey what's wrong Luke: you were asleep that's what's wrong Seth: I was adjusting my back (Luke looks at him) Ryan: did Marissa call? Seth: no man I would'a heard the phone ringing even if I was sleeping (grabs for the phone) which I wasn't, I was adjusting my back (looks at the phone) there's a missed call though which is weird c (Ryan snatches the phone from him) ok Luke: meanwhile Ryan an I are drivin round all night like idiots Seth: really? well none'a this would'a happened in the first place if it wasn't for you Luke: shut up Cohen, it was an accident Seth: i'm sorry did you accidentally sleep with Marissa's mom, or did you accidentally tell Marissa about it Luke: i'm in no mood Cohen Seth: good keep it in your board shorts next time, y'know what I mean Ryan: (hangs up) that was her Seth: what'did she say (we see Julie coming towards the pool house in the background) Ryan: uh not much just that she's ok an not to try ta follow her Julie: where is she? Ryan: she's not here Julie: (walks in) why don't I believe you...Luke (Julie looks at Luke, Luke looks at Seth, Seth looks at Julie) Julie: what's goin on in here? Ryan: Marissa took off last night when we got back from L.A, she-she ran away Julie: why what'did you do to her Ryan: I didn't do anything you did Julie: what're you talking about? Luke: they know Julie: shut up Luke Luke: they saw us outside the motel...Marissa knows to (Seth nods) (awkward silence) Julie: will you boys excuse us please, Ryan an I need ta have a talk (Seth and Luke leave) Julie: whatever you think you know about me Ryan: I don't care about you, I jus wanna get her back home safe Julie: (worried) you really don't know where she is Ryan: we know she's ok, she left a message saying not to look for her Julie: so what am I suppose to do, last time she took off she almost died...i'm gonna call the police Ryan: yeah what're ya gonna tell em when they ask why she left Julie: I have to at least call her doctors Ryan: why so you can try'ta have her locked up again Julie: if that's what it takes yes, I will not have her hurting herself anymore Ryan: (moves closer to her) maybe you should'a thought'a that before you slept with her ex-boyfriend Julie: (glares at him) I would love to stay an chat with you Ryan but I have'ta find my daughter (leaves) Ryan: not if I find her first Theme Song - California by Phantom Planet Cohen back yard - Ryan and Seth are coming out of the pool house Seth: so what's the GP RA? Ryan: I have no idea what you jus said Seth: Game Plan Ryan Atwood Ryan: you're jus using initials now Seth: yeah they save time Ryan: (frowns) well not if you have to translate Seth: GP Ryan: Game Plan? Seth: Good Point, so what're you gonna do ride around Newport on your bike lookin for Marissa's car while I go talk ta Summer Ryan: you have a better idea Seth: not yet but maybe after like a nice healthy (stops) (we see Ryan and Seth standing in the doorway of the kitchen, on the table is alot of different foods, pancakes, fruit waffles etc) Seth: massively over the top breakfast (Hailey walks into the shot) Hailey: hey guys Seth: hi Hailey: (points) we've got eggs, waffles, 3 different kinds of pancakes Ryan: wow Hailey what's the occasion Hailey: I was in pretty rough shape last night an I didn't get a chance to thankyou guys for convincing me to come home so hungry? Seth: ah yeah (Kirsten walks in) Kirsten: oh my uh what is going on in here (looks around) Seth: mom Hailey made 3 different kinds'a pancakes an waffles there deliciously redundant have a blueberry (throws it to her) there good (Kirsten catches it and laughs, then starts eating) Hailey: coffee? Kirsten: mm Hailey: here have a seat let me jus uh get this outta your way Kirsten: (with food in her mouth) Hailey the want ads already? Hailey: yeah it's mostly restaurant gigs, but uh it's not like I have any other marketable skills so Seth: hey I actually know of a hostess position available (Hailey looks at him) a little speakeasy I like ta call the Balboa light house Kirsten: (smiles) that's a good idea, except your gonna have'ta wait an ask Sandy when he's in a good mood (Sandy comes in with a box) Sandy: (panicking) we have'ta get all the bread outta the house (puts food in the box) Seth: (shakes his head) now's not a really good time Kirsten: Hailey made 3 different kinds of pancakes Sandy: well enjoy em now because we only have two hours to unleaven the entire kitchen Ryan: uh what'does that mean exactly Sandy: (in the cupboards) it means my mothers plane lands at noon an if she walks in here on the first day'a Passover an sees us eatin pancakes, she'll plotz Seth: I love when the nana comes an suddenly dads all Jewish again (Kirsten nods) id love to help but I have'ta go (leaves) Ryan: yeah me too (leaves) Hailey: yeah I should probably get dressed (leaves) Sandy: honey, do we have any brisket? Kirsten: Sandy the Ackerman's are looking after the food for the Seder we're bringing the wine Sandy: right except of course we're not going ta the Ackerman's this year Kirsten: since when Sandy: since I told my ma we we're kinda havin the Seder here tonight Kirsten: (shocked) you what! Sandy: which, if she asks is something we do every year I also told her you converted (Kirsten looks at him) (smiles) i'm kidding, about the conversion part Kirsten: eh Sandy Sandy: honey honey your not gonna have'ta lift a finger, ill shop she'll cook the kids'll help Hailey'll be here Jimmy'll be here an Ryan can invite Marissa, Seth can invite Summer Kirsten: what am I gonna do just s-sit back an let your mother take over the entire house Sandy: she's gonna do it anyway, at least this way we get a decent meal out of (walks to the pancakes) are you done with these Kirsten: (holds onto the plate) oh no Sandy, don't! CUT TO: Summer's bedroom - Seth and Summer are sitting on her bed Seth: we don't know where she is but she called ta say she's ok Summer: I...know she called me too Seth: what? Summer why didn't you tell me Summer: because she told me not to Seth: Summer, if you know where she is- Summer: I don't I swear, she's gonna be fine she jus needs time Seth: well me an Ryan don't really have alotta time, my nana gets inta town in like an hour Summer: (cutesy face) wait your nana, that is so sweet I wanna meet the nana Seth: yeah you really don't though, believe me Summer: well I love old people they're sooo cute Seth: yeah well the nana, not so cute Summer: really she's ugly Seth: no she's jus scary (nods) Summer: hey I can be pretty scary too, I think I can take it Seth: yeah I don't think I can the nana's very judgmental an she's political an opinionated Summer: right...an i'm dumb an shallow an have no opinion whatsoever Seth: I didn't say that Summer: not out loud (hurt) you don't want me'ta meet the nana cause your ashamed'a me Seth: that's not true ok i'm not ashamed'a you Summer i'm protective, your gonna thank me for this I promise (kisses her on the forehead) I have ta go Summer: (frowns) where're you going Seth: um uh-hm I have'ta pick up some stuff for the Seder Summer: (frowns) the what now Seth: the Seder, for Passover (Summer is still frowning) yeah your not meetin the nana (leaves) Summer: (thinking) hmm CUT TO: Cohen bedroom - Sandy is changing the sheets on the bed and Kirsten comes in Kirsten: eh Sandy what're you doing, Rose just put those on Sandy: yeah I know but I thought maybe these sheets were a little too fancy Kirsten: well they are fancy there seven hundred thread-count Pratesi sheets Sandy: yeah see I don't want my mother knowin we're sleepin on these Kirsten: how would she know? Sandy: she might check! Kirsten: why would she care? Sandy: she's a social worker in the Bronx an has ben for forty years, whatever little bit of extra money she can scrape together she gives it to the ACLU or the Franklin Armory women's shelter, she's not out buyin fancy sheets Kirsten: well technically I bought the sheets Sandy: great you with your sheets an me have left the public defenders office so I can go to the private sector an make a ton'a money an open my own restaurant Kirsten: I think they call that success Sandy: no, not according to Sophie Cohen an frankly not even Sandy Cohen sometimes, you know why she's comin out here don't you its not for a visit its not for a holiday no, she's staging an intervention...to put me back on the path to righteousness or in my mothers case self righteousness Kirsten: I don't think that's true Sandy: no Kirsten: your mother jus wants ya to be happy Sandy: no, no she doesn't believe in happy, if you're happy you're not workin hard enough (leaves with the bedding in his arms) Kirsten: I know where Rosa keeps the sheets that don't feel so fancy (follows) (sound of the doorbell) CUT TO: Cohen front door - Hailey opens it and Jimmy is standing there Hailey: (smiles) hey Jimmy: hey, I was just on my way to the restaurant an I thought id stop by, see how you were doin after our big adventure last night, you ok Hailey: yeah, just embarrassed mostly Jimmy: embarrassed why, come on Hailey: you found me at a strip club Jimmy: hey there is-there is nothing wrong with a good strip club (Hailey raises her eyebrow at him) not that I would know or anything cause I...just (smiles) I wouldn't know Hailey: (smiles) no right of course not Jimmy: (smiles) so what're you-what're you gonna do you gonna gooo back ta LA, you gonna stay here? Hailey: umm, what'do you think I should do? Jimmy: well it's a-it's not my decision but I mean you know you've got family an a place to stay an people who care about you Hailey: yeah Jimmy: (nods) yeah Hailey: so if I were'ta stay...would that mean that... Kirsten: (in the background) (yells) Hailey! Hailey: (yells) be right there (Jimmy sighs) you wanna come in Jimmy: no I gotta-I gotta go back to work Hailey: (smiles) will I see you later Jimmy: well uh, you gonna be around Hailey: sure Jimmy: well then ill see you later Hailey: (smiles) alright then CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Kirsten and Hailey are unpacking groceries, Seth is sitting at the bench and Ryan comes in Ryan: hey, you guys want some help Kirsten: oh thanks Ryan Seth: no there fine man have a seat, any luck? Ryan: (sits) I looked everywhere, her house, the restaurant the beach Seth: yeah? we'll find her (Sandy walks in) Sandy: alright who's comin with me to the airport (no one answers) come on...Seth? (Seth puts his hand over his eye and points to Ryan with one finger) Ryan? come on (Ryan puts his head down) anybody...your not ready for the nana are ya, hell no ones ever ready for the nana, that woman is scary Sophie: (in the background) hellooooo (everyone is shocked) Sandy: it couldn't be Sophie: (still in the background) the front doors wide open a person could walk in here take everything an kill us all Seth: (stunned) it is (Ryan looks at him) it's the nana (Sophie is standing inside the front door with her luggage, Sandy runs in followed by everyone else) Sandy: ma what're you doin here I w-I was just comin ta get ya Sophie: well you would'a ben very late Sandy: i'm sor- Sophie: (smiles) i'm kidding the plane was early I took a taxi to suprise you are you suprised (laughs) you look suprised (Sandy hugs her) Sandy: i'm suprised Sophie: oh sweetheart, hello Kirsten look at you so beautiful with the hair an the nails those classic features (hugs her) (Kirsten is frowning) an there's my grandson who never writes, never calls cause he's too (hugs him) (Seth is frowning, then smiles) busy being chased by the California girls, how are you Setheleh Seth: uhhh how are you nana Sophie (looks at Ryan) an you must be Ryan i'm very happy to meet you (hugs him) welcome to the family oooh Ryan: thankyou, thankyou Sophie: (to Hailey) you I don't know Kirsten: uh Sophie you remember my sister, Hailey Sophie: oooh right the bad seed oooh (hugs her) I always liked you best don't tell the others (Hailey smiles) (looks around) look at this house (walks over to the door) and this yard ooh and that view of the ocean, i'm sorry but I just gotta say it Sandy: ah...here it comes Sophie: California (turns around to face them) not so terrible (they all stand there stunned) CUT TO: The pool house - Ryan and Seth are in there together Ryan: (sighs) alright where else could she be Seth: ok I don't know exactly who that woman was in there Ryan but that was not the nana Ryan: I thought she was nice (sits on the bed) Seth: she was nice Ryan that's the problem ok the nana's not nice, I love her but she's nuts, kinda part of her charm Ryan: who haven't we thought of? Seth: well I hate to be the one to say it but what about Oliver Ryan: nn, I talked to Natalie at the hotel this morning he's still in the hospital Seth: she was even nice to my mom Ryan ok an the nana has never exactly cared for the Kirsten Ryan: really Seth: yeah are you kidding me she's the Green Arrow to my moms Hawkman (Ryan shakes his head) the Wolverine to her Cyclops dude, two people who have nothing in common suddenly gettin along (Ryan is thinking) it's not right...its jus not natural Ryan: I know where she is CUT TO: Theresa's house - Ryan is knocking on the front door, Theresa answers Theresa: it took you long enough Ryan: is she here? Theresa: yeah she's not gonna be very happy to see you though Ryan: how is she, is she ok? (Theresa nods) I can't believe she came here Theresa: I was as suprised as you are Ryan: (mad) you should've called me Theresa: I couldn't, she asked me not too Ryan: yeah well her moms freakin out she's about ta call the cops so I better jus get her an go Eddie: (walking up) what the hell is he doing here, did you call him Theresa: no Eddie: this is unbelievable, so he jus shows up on the day of (to Ryan) you stay the hell away from me ok (walks in the door passed Theresa) Ryan: day of? day'a what? Theresa: our engagement party (Ryan looks at her) CUT TO: Cohen kitchen/dining room - Seth and Sophie are sitting at the table together, Sandy and Kirsten are standing Sandy: everybody finished? Seth: thanks (Sandy takes the plates) Kirsten: Sophie is there something special that you'd like Hailey to pick up for you Sophie: no sweetheart i'm sure that whatever you kids do every year will be just perfect Sandy: oh ma, well we we're kinda hopin we could talk you inta the Sophie Cohen special the brisket, the macaroons Sophie: (waves him off) oh I don't do macaroons anymore Sandy: ah come on ma, its Ryan's first Seder Seth: how do you know that, don't assume that, they have Jews in Chino, why do think they want a P.F. Chang's Sophie: I like that he goes back to the old neighbourhood (excited) speaking of which Sandy guess who asked about you recently (Sandy looks at her) Shaun Sullivan Sandy: Sully Sophie: (to Seth) Shaun an your dad use'to run in a gang together did you know that Seth: yeah? (to Sandy) bloods or crips father Sandy: it was more of a youth group Sophie: after his father left us blessing in disguise I had ta work so much he was practically raised by the entire neighbourhood Sandy: yeah well somebody had'ta do it (awkward silence) Sophie: well when am I gonna see your new restaurant Sandy: (suprised) you want to? Sophie: what'did I just say (stands) ill jus go freshen up then uh then we can go huh (leaves the kitchen) Sandy: (whispers) who is that woman? Seth: not the nana Kirsten: come on guys...maybe she's changed, maybe she's mellowed, maybe she's genuinely happy ta be here (Sandy looks at her) yeah I know something's up Sandy: i'm gonna find out what it is Kirsten: Sandy don't, whatever that woman is I love her she's sweet, she's kind, she's helpful (door bell) (Sandy turns around to go answer it) Sophie: (in the background) ill get it (Sandy turns back with his hands out, as if to say 'what?') Kirsten: i'm begging you, leave it alone (Sophie answers the door and Summer is standing there holding a box) Sophie: hello may I help you dear Summer: (smiles) hi you must be the nana, i'm Summer Shalom Sophie: oh well hello are you a friend of Seth's? Summer: well as a matter of fact i'm his g- Seth: (walks up) Summer, hey what're you doing here (taps her on the arm) buddy Summer: oh well I was jus in the neighborhood and thought I could bring some macaroons by for the Seder- Sophie: oooh how sweet Summer you shouldn't have Seth: yeah you shouldn't have oook Sophie: so are you two uh Seth: well... Summer: yes we are Seth: (puts his hands on her shoulders) yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Sophie: oh wonderful then you'll be here tonight yes, you can ask the four questions Summer: thankyou nana i'd love to Sophie: I was jus getting my Haggadah to get copies made Summer: oh no well I can do that for you, I love a good Haggadah (to Seth) you know it's the prayer book containing the Seder ritual (smiles) (Seth puts his hands on his head, clearly not happy) Sophie: wow somebody knows her stuff huh Seth Cohen your a very lucky man (squeezes his cheeks) (walks away) Summer: (smiling) awww (smile goes) (hits Seth) Seth: listen uh- ow wow Summer: she's not scary at all your the scary one Seth: no your the one who scary with the hitting an the cookies Summer: what are you like afraid i'm gonna embarrass you infront of the nana? well i'm not i'm gonna study this thing so hard i'm even gonna out Jew you (opens the Haggadah) Seth: you're readin it backwards Summer: hmm (leaves) Seth: (yells) thanks for the cookies (shuts the door) CUT TO: Theresa's backyard - Ryan and Theresa walk out from the side gate Ryan: (sighs) wow...so when's the wedding Theresa: June...I wanted to call you an tell you Ryan: yeah...I uh thought you didn't want this Theresa: he really loves me Ryan Ryan: how do you feel about him? Theresa: you know what, you don't get ta show up here the day of my engagement party an ask me questions like this Ryan: hey it's not like I knew this was happening, you didn't even tell me Theresa: because I knew you'd be this way Ryan: what way? you ran away ta Newport to get away from him then you jus took off without even calling Theresa: yeah like when you left Chino! T's mom: (comes out of the house) Ryan you made it, you see Theresa I told you he'd come if we invited him Theresa: yeah mom, he didn't come for the party T's mom: no? Marissa: (comes out of the house holding flowers) he came for me Ryan: hey Marissa: (to Theresa) I thought you promised you weren't gonna call him Ryan: (walks over to her) she didn't Marissa: then why are you here Ryan: I came to make sure you were ok, to get you home safe Marissa: then you wasted your time, cause i'm not going anywhere (walks off) (Ryan watches her walk away) CUT TO: Jimmy's house - Jimmy opens the front door and Hailey is standing there with the box of leaven food from the Cohen's Jimmy: hey what's-what's all this Hailey: (smiles) (walks in) pasta, cookies, cupcakes in all there leavened goodness and an invitation to Seder dinner tonight (puts the box on his table) all courtesy of the nana Cohen Jimmy: wow, today is my lucky day Hailey: (smiles) you have no idea (kisses him) Jimmy: (pulls away) mm look s- Hailey we-we we cant we-we we can't do this Hailey: but I thought when you showed up at the house this morning an when you came ta LA ta find me Jimmy: I was worried about you an I-I I wanted to make sure that you were ok Hailey: I can't believe this (walks towards the door) Jimmy: Hailey Kirsten is my best friend, Sandy's my partner I- this restaurant is all I have Hailey: so what're you doing, showin up at the house, showing up in LA, telling me how much you care about me...you don't care about me Jimmy: of course I care about you Hailey: right, jus not as much as Sandy an Kirsten an the restaurant (walks away) Jimmy: Hailey, wait Hailey: (stops at the door) for what? (Jimmy sighs) ill see ya Jimmy (leaves) CUT TO: Theresa's backyard - Marissa is arranging flowers and Ryan goes over to her Ryan: Marissa come on, everybody's worried about you Marissa: who? Luke? my mom? Ryan: it's over now Marissa: yeah maybe for them but I still have'ta live with it...the only thing I don't have'ta do is live there Ryan: so what're you gonna do you can't hide out in Chino forever Marissa: maybe not, but I can for right now (Ryan looks at her) look Theresa said I can stay in Arturo's room an that she'd help me find a job until I can actually save enough money Ryan: to what? run away, Marissa your moms already threatening to call the cops, an your doctors- Marissa: so what am I spose'ta do, I can't go back there Ryan: (shakes his head) well i'm not goin back without you Marissa: then I guess your not going back (walks away) CUT TO: Cohen house - Sandy and Sophie walk through the front door after having seen the restaurant Sandy: (dissapointed) oh I-I-I I wish the floors had ben finished before-before you saw the place Sophie: the floors were fine (Kirsten walks in from kitchen) Kirsten: how was the restaurant tour? Sophie: it was nice Sandy: it was nice that's all I get it was nice Sophie: it was very nice, what what'do you want me ta say Sandy: ma what'do you wanna say really...mom th-this Jewish Mary Poppins act i'm not buyin it...what're you doin here really Sophie: you invited me Sandy: I've ben invitin ya every since Seth was thirteen Sophie: well i've ben working, you know what my case load is like Sandy: I do I know that's why I left the PD's office so I could spend more time at home Sophie: no that's not why you left Sandy Sandy: and because I have more time an more resources to help the people in the community that need it Sophie: you're not helping people your opening restaurants Kirsten: Sophie that's not true Sophie: who's talking to you? Sandy: please do not speak to her like that in this house Sophie: i'm sorry...but you know what...you won't have to put up with it much longer Sandy: ah there she is, she's comin back, the Sophie Cohen we all know an love Sophie: think its funny, you'll see how funny it is when i'm dead Sandy: ah your kiddin, your gonna out live us all, just outta spite Sophie: well...Dr Tally disagrees with you, he gives me 4-6 months tops...he says I have advanced lung cancer (Sandy looks at her stunned) (tears in her eyes) wanna know why I came, I came ta say goodbye (walks away) (Sandy stands there with tears in his eyes, Kirsten comforts him from behind by putting her hands on his shoulders, and touches her head to his) CUT TO: Theresa's front yard - Ryan walks out of the house and makes a phone call, before he can talk Eddie and a group of his mates appear Eddie: why are you still here? Ryan: alright look man Eddie: look what? I ask Theresa to marry me an she goes an finds you, we finally work everything out an on the day of our engagement party you show up! Ryan: i'm just here for Marissa alright Eddie: (yells) look Marissa doesn't want you here an I sure as hell don't want you here, you understand...look its my engagement party ok i'm goin to get a drink, when I come back don't be here! Ryan: (walks towards Eddie) i'm not leavin without her Guy: (stops Ryan) yes you are Ryan: look man you don't wanna do this Guy: (yells) no you don't wanna, he told you to go, now go (shoves Ryan) (Ryan lands on the path and cuts his arm. his phone rings, he rolls over so he's laying on his back and gets his phone out and answers it) Ryan: hello Julie: did you just call me? Ryan: yeah but Julie: where is she? Ryan: (sits up) i'm not tellin you that Julie: don't make me call the police Ryan, I would hate to have'ta tell em your holding her against her will Ryan: you wouldn't do that Julie: just get her home, now (hangs up) (Ryan hangs up and lays back down, he's fed up) CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Sophie is cooking and Sandy is sitting at the bench, Kirsten is sitting next to him Sandy: (pleading) ma please come on sit down, we have'ta talk about this Sophie: no we don't, what we have'ta do is put this brisket in the oven or we'll be eating at midnight Kirsten: (gets up) uh ill get that for you Sophie: yeah (puts it in) oo thankyou doll, Sandy said you were a lox in the kitchen Sandy: don't change the subject Sophie: there is no subject, i'm not talking i'm cooking Sandy: ya can't jus drop a bomb like that an then not talk about it wh-why even tell me then Sophie: I didn't want to, you kept hocking me, it slipped out Sandy: have ya told anybody else Sophie: no not your sister not your bother and don't you tell anyone either especially not Seth Sandy: why not he deserves ta know Sophie: cause it's my business...and I will tell him when i'm ready, now he's coming back here with Summer any minute so (makes a keep your mouth shut motion) Sandy: well what about the treatment what'did-what'did Dr Tally recommend, the surgery the-the chemo what Sophie: sure but what's the point, by the time I saw Tally it'd already spread so...that's that (Sandy looks at her, she looks at him, Kirsten looks at Sophie then at Sandy, worried) Sandy: so what're you gonna do Sophie: i'm gonna make dinner, i'm gonna enjoy what's left of my life an I hope you will do the same Sandy: I want you to see a Dr out here Sophie: well, that's not gonna happen Kirsten: we have an incredible oncologist, when my mother had...ovarian cancer Sophie: she had the treatment, the chemo with the hair loss an the nausea...did it work? Kirsten: (closes her eyes) no Sandy: but we had a chance ta spend more time with her Sophie: you wanna spend more time with me? Sandy: yeah Sophie: (yells) you left home when you were 16 an moved clear across the country (in background we see Seth and Summer entering the living room) Sandy: ma I had a scholarship an a chance ta make somethin of myself Sophie: (yells) an you married a woman whose father represents everything I have fought against my entire life Sandy: (yells & stands) I married her for love not because of her father's politics or his principles (Seth and Summer are closer to the kitchen, Seth pushes her away so they can't hear) Sophie: (yells louder) oh what politics what principles, oh god what am I doing here I hate this state! I hate the sunshine! I hate the ocean! I hate Schwarzenegger! (walks out) (Sandy looks at Kirsten, Kirsten looks at him, they both look upset) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Theresa's house - Marissa is in Arturo's room and Ryan knocks. Marissa is in different clothes to before, and she's sitting on the bed Marissa: come in Ryan: hey (Marissa stands) you uh you look Marissa: (shrugs) its Theresa's (sees his cut) what happened to your arm Ryan: uh its-it's just a scratch (sighs) Eddie an his guys don't really want me around Marissa: (sighs) i'm so sorry this is all my fault Ryan: no, no its ok look we jus need ta get outta here Marissa: no we need ta get some alcohol an clean this arm up Ryan: no look its-its fine we can just we can jus deal with this later (Ryan's phone is ringing) Marissa: Ryan we're not going anywhere, so just get the phone ill talk ta Eddie (leaves) Ryan: no look I- he wont wanna (sighs) (answers the phone) hello (Seth and Summer are on Seth's bed) Seth: hey come home right now Ryan: (sits on the bed) why what's goin on Seth: I don't know but the nana's scary again an mom an dad keep askin when your comin home an-an frankly i'm at a loss man Summer: is Marissa ok? Seth: hey how's Marissa doin Ryan: she won't leave so now Eddie's threatening to kick my ass an Julie Coopers threatening to have me arrested for kidnapping Summer: (reading from the Haggadah) why is this night different from all other nights Seth: (looks at her) ok just come home man you said it yourself Marissa's fine, alright so there's nothin more you can do its her mom's problem now Ryan: Seth I can't just leave her here Seth: well you can't stay either, please ok we have the nana happening Summer: for on all other nights we eat either chamitz or matzah Seth: (correcting) chametz or matzo Ryan: look look ill try but Seth: no, no trying come home now ok, I have to go Summer's havin a Hebrew hernia Summer: Cohen! (Ryan hangs up and sighs) CUT TO: Julies door - Luke is standing there, Julie is shocked to see him Julie: (walks out and shuts the door) Luke...you cant be here Kaitlin's in the kitchen, you gotta go Luke: I know I know I just I wanted ta say i'm sorry Julie: it is not your fault ok, i'm the grown up here i'm the one who should've known better, an i'm the one who's lost her daughter Luke: your not...really gonna locker her up are ya? Julie: honestly I don't know what else to do, she's a kid Luke she's run away again, an if she doesn't come back on her own...what other choice do I have...I need her to be safe CUT TO: Cohen backyard - Sophie is sitting at the table smoking and Sandy comes out and sits with her Sandy: (sees the smoke) you gotta be kidding me! Sophie: ah...my darling the only nice thing about having cancer is that I can smoke all I want, try not to ruin it for me Sandy: (sits) ...I called Dr Tally Sophie: (not impressed) please tell me you did not do that! (we see Seth standing at one of the doors to the backyard, they don't see him there. he is trying to listen to their conversation) Sandy: he says you haven't ben returning his calls Sophie: well i've ben busy Sandy: an while he says there's no cure you can slow the cancer down if you take the chemo an radiation (Seth looks shocked, he's still listening) Sophie: yeah an slow me down too Sandy: might not be such a bad thing Sophie: Sandy, I have kids in the Bronx who are counting on me Sandy: you got kids o'your own who are counting on you...an grandkids Sophie: oh please, counting on me for what Sandy: to be there, that's all...that's all I ever wanted Sophie: oh your gonna start with me again Sandy: when I left home at 16 I-I was suprised you noticed Sophie: oh that's nice, that's what a mother always wants ta hear, especially when she's dying (Seth is still standing there, he sucks his bottom lip in and looks upset) Sophie: please continue (lights another smoke) Sandy: (shakes his head) you were never home, you were workin all the time you were takin care of other peoples kids or marchin for causes or circulating petitions or picketing city hall, look...it felt like you had no time for us Sophie: it was your father who ran away Sandy, not me Sandy: well...now who's runnin away...eh enjoy your cigarette ( (stands & leaves) (Sophie puts out the cigarette and stands up, she looks over and sees Seth standing there, he looks at her then walks away. Sophie sighs) CUT TO: Theresa's backyard - it is now decorated for the party. Theresa walks out the back door and sees Marissa and Eddie playing with little kids. Theresa smiles. Marissa is holding a little girl then she hands her to Eddie and goes over to Theresa Theresa: he's pretty great isn't he? Marissa: yeah he is (looks at Theresa) you both are (Theresa smiles) an I can't thankyou enough for putting me up last night...but Theresa: what? Marissa: are you sure its ok for me ta stay here, I mean now that Ryan's here to I know you guys have this whole history together Theresa: Marissa, Ryan's my oldest friend but (nods) that's it, really Marissa: but I thought that when you came ta Newport you Theresa: that was a mistake, I was afraid so I ran ta Ryan because he's safe, but it wasn't until I came home an was honest with Eddie about everything that I realised that I have nothing to be afraid of...either do you (they both see Ryan carrying bags of ice) as for Ryan like you said he didn't come here for me, he came here for you Marissa: (smiles) lets go, c'mon (they both walk off) (Eddie walks over to Ryan) Eddie: (shrugs) your still here Ryan: not by choice believe me Eddie: yeah well, that's too bad (hands him a drink) you know i've ben thinkin about it, your brother an Arturo both in jail...an you an I are the only ones from the old crew left Ryan: I thought you didn't want me here man Eddie: I thought you came here for Theresa ok it freaked me out but...I talked ta Marissa you know (sighs) Ryan: yeah well I don't think Marissa wants me here either Eddie: c'mon of all the places she coulda picked to go she chose Chino, dude she picked the one place she knew only you could find her CUT TO: Seth's bedroom - Seth is lying on his bed hugging a pillow to his chest and there is a knock at his door Sophie: Setheleh, you in there Seth: yeah I-I am i'm jus gonna be down in a second though ok Sophie: or I could save you the schlep (Seth sits up and Sophie opens the door) Sophie: can a person come in? Seth: yeah of course...come in Sophie: where's Summer Seth: she went to change for dinner...so you we're jus not gonna tell me? Sophie: not if I could help it Seth: why, did you think I couldn't handle it? Sophie: no doll I knew you could handle it (sighs) me on the other hand, I wanted to spend this time getting to know you (sits opposite him on a chair) not be the dying nana where every conversation could possibly be the last Seth: yeah but it could right Sophie: yeah sure that's always true though cancer or no cancer, we could all be dead tomorrow you never know Seth: that's really comforting thankyou Sophie: don't mention it (smiles) so tell me about Seth Cohen you like comic books, music, videos Seth: yeah it all seems pretty trivial right now though compared ta...oh I-I don't know uh cancer Sophie: oh see that's why I didn't wanna tell you Seth: you don't even wanna do the chemo though, you don't even, not even interested in any of it Sophie: wait (moves closer) listen...it's very complicated Seth: ...are you scared Sophie: what'da you think Seth: I don't know...dad always said you're not afraid of anything Sophie: your dad doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does (touches his cheek) Seth: (holds her hand & rubs it with his thumb) yeah well you're the one who doesn't wanna stick around so...who's fault is that CUT TO: Theresa's backyard - Theresa and Eddie are standing together being video'd. we pan across to see Marissa standing by herself, Ryan goes over to her Ryan: hi Marissa: hey Ryan: (smiles) so what'do ya think'a Chino Marissa: actually I think I can get in more trouble where i'm from (they both laugh) Ryan: i'm sorry, about everything, the trip ta LA your mom but um we have'ta get back, the longer we stay here the worse it's gonna get Marissa: how could it get any worse? Ryan: she could put you away Marissa: yeah let her try Ryan: she tried it before, it almost worked Marissa: yeah well this time she's gonna have'ta find me first (Marissa walks away, Ryan follows her. they are now in Arturo's room. Ryan walks in and sees Marissa unzipping her dress, he shuts the door and sighs) Ryan: what're you doing? Marissa: getting out of here Ryan: to go where? Marissa: (takes the dress off) I don't know ok I don't know where i'm going I don't know what i'm doing I don't know anything except that I can't go back there (puts on the top from earlier) Ryan: yeah well you can't keep running away an I can't keep chasing after you Marissa: (turns around) who asked you to, I don't even know why your here Ryan: (yells) yeah well maybe you should think about it instead of always thinkin about yourself Marissa: get outta my way (walks towards him) Ryan: no i'm not goin anywhere (gently pushes her back) Marissa: Ryan move I mean it! Ryan: (stops her again) i'm not goin anywhere Marissa: get outta my way (she bashes against him repeatedly, upset) move, move (crying) get out of my way (Ryan holds her until finally she stops fighting it) I (crying) I cant go back there Ryan: (holding her with his head on her shoulder, eyes closed) ok, your ok (Marissa lifts her head still crying) ok, it's ok (Marissa buries her head in his shoulder, crying into him) (knock) T's mom: Ryan, ya in there (Marissa lifts her head from his shoulder still upset, she puts it back down on his shoulder) Ryan: yeah just a second (Marissa is still crying) T's mom: there's someone here to see you Ryan: ok (Marissa leans off him a bit calmer, and Ryan goes out the door to see who it is. he shuts the door and sees it's Luke) Luke: hey Seth told me you were in Chino Ryan: you cant be here man what're you doin here Luke: i'm here for Marissa Ryan: look you can't be here now ok Luke: (yells) Julie's not kidding she's gonna call the cops if I don't- Ryan: (worked up) what'do you think Marissa's goin back with you? other then her mom your the last person she wants'ta see Luke: yeah well, she's gonna Ryan: (angry) you need'ta get outta here (Eddie walks up to them) Luke: you need'ta get outta my way Eddie: ok ok ok look you guys this is my engagement party (Marissa comes to the door) jus calm down ok Marissa: Ryan get away from him! (Ryan steps aside) Luke: Marissa hey I just want- Marissa: (slaps Luke hard) (clenches her teeth angry) get out of here Luke Luke: please Marissa it's not what you think Marissa: oh is that what she told you to tell me, that it's all in my head, that i'm crazy Luke: it's not her fault really Marissa: (yells) just get out of here Luke: Marissa if you jus come wi- Marissa: just go! now! Luke: i'm sorry (Marissa glares at him and he leaves. Marissa looks at Ryan and Ryan smiles as if he's impressed, Marissa looks back at Luke) CUT TO: Cohen kitchen/dining room - Kirsten is in there getting ready for the Seder and Summer comes in Summer: oooh it smells sooo good in here, is it true we cant eat for another 6 hours Kirsten: oh the nana Seder won't take that long (turns around to face her) will it? Summer: have you seen her Haggadah (hands it to her) Kirsten: (opens it) oi Summer: you're reading it backwards Kirsten: (closes it & gives it back) don't tell anyone Summer: hey its ok being Jewish is Hard Kirsten: you Have no idea Summer: hmm (eats a carrot) so do you know what happened to make the nana scary again Kirsten: (turns around) actually (Sophie walks in) Sophie: what, what's going on in here? Summer: nothing, i'm gonna go study ill see you at dinner- Seder sorry (walks out) Sophie: (looks at Kirsten) you told her didn't you Kirsten: I would never do that Sophie: then what were you talking about Kirsten: ...how scary you are Sophie: I am scary Kirsten: i'd be scary to if...I was sick an suddenly I had to depend on my kids Sophie: well see the difference is i'm not gonna be dependant on my kids Kirsten: (matter of factly) no, you would rather die Sophie: oh that's good Kirsten with the honesty, I didn't know you had it in ya Kirsten: that's because you don't know me...you never wanted to (Sophie looks at her) an it pretty much cost you your son Sophie: my son made a choice Kirsten: maybe, but now you can make one, you can get the best treatment you can get to know your grandson, an you could have Sandy back in your life hmm (shrugs) if that's not important to you Sophie: oh guilt now huh that's very impressive, you sure you're not Jewish CUT TO: Theresa's backyard - Ryan is sitting at a table by himself, Theresa comes and sits with him Ryan: how's she doin Theresa: she's great, Luke's the one I feel sorry for, he's gonna have a handprint on his face (laughs) for like a week Ryan: (smiles) yeah, sorry about that, showin up, ruining your party Theresa: hey does it look ruined to you...besides it's my engagement party, if youd'a missed it id'a kicked your ass (Ryan smiles) I should've invited you Ryan: so invite me to the wedding Theresa: yeah, you'll bring Marissa (Eddie and Marissa come and sit with them) Eddie: alright who wants cake? Ryan: uh actually I cant I gotta get back (to Marissa) uh dinner at the Cohen's, Seth's grandmas in town, can't miss it Theresa: (nods) yeah well uh you two are welcome to stay as long as you want um come on Eddie my mom needs help in the kitchen Eddie: (mouth full) i'm eating cake Theresa: (smiles) no, your not Eddie: oh, o-ok I got it (Theresa pulls him away) uh-hm see not even married yet she's already bossin me around Marissa: I don't wanna go back Ryan: I know but look you didn't do anything wrong, they did...they know that, why do you think your moms freakin out, she's afraid your gonna tell Marissa: why would I tell...I don't wanna see em ever again an I don't wanna go back Ryan: yeah, what about your dad? an Kaitlin, Summer, what about me? what am I spose'ta do without you (Marissa looks at him) I mean i'd get over you eventually but it'd take a while (smiles) (Marissa smiles at him) CUT TO: Cohen dining room - Sophie is getting ready for the Seder Sandy is in there helping Sophie: I couldn't find an actual Seder plate so i'm using this one Sandy: well that's because we don't have an actual Seder plate mom, infact this is the first actual Seder we've ever had we usually go to the Ackerman's but your here this year an-an Ryan Sophie: hmm you know i've ben finding homes for kids like Ryan for over forty years Sandy: yeah I know ma Sophie: yeah but I never once thought to bring one home with me (smiles) had to show up your own mother didn't you Sandy: (smiles) ooh he's a good kid, you should spend some time with him Sophie: (moves closer to him) I cant...i'm flying home early tomorrow Sandy: oh Sophie: well you don't want me to miss my first treatment do you? Sandy: oh ma (hugs her) thanks, hey you know you could have it out here if you want Sophie: no honey thanks but uh I like Dr Tally an your sisters there an your brother and...you know I hate California Sandy: so maybe I could come visit Sophie: oh please, your mothers gonna be having chemo, it's the least you can do (she touches his face and walks out) CUT TO: Julies house - Marissa and Ryan are walking to the front door Ryan: are you sure you wanna do this now? Marissa: I have to, my clothes are inside... (hopeful) maybe she won't be home (Julie opens the door and runs towards her) Julie: oh thank god your back Marissa: (backs away) i'm not, I jus came ta get my stuff an go Julie: the hell you are, you are not leaving this house young lady Marissa: or what? your gonna call the police or Dr Milano, you know what go ahead, infact why don't you call up dad while your at it an Caleb to cause you know id really love to tell them why I ran away Julie: ...get your stuff an leave Marissa: gladly (goes into the house) (Julie and Ryan look at each other) CUT TO: Cohen front door - Hailey answers it and Jimmy is standing there Hailey: (smiles) hey, your here Jimmy: yeah is that ok I wasn't-I wasn't sure Hailey: no of course, come on in Jimmy: (hands her flowers) here's a little uh holiday appropriate bouquet Hailey: thanks Jimmy: (sighs) so listen I-I was thinkin about what you uh what you said today as I ate most of those cupcakes an like that whole box of cookies you brought by and you were right, you were right...about everything Hailey: noo you were right, i'm sorry Jimmy: I was are you sure cause that's-that's that's rarely the case Hailey: no I mean...Kirsten an I are finally getting along and I have a second chance with my dad so why risk all of that Jimmy: because it would be fun an because i'm totally self destructive an because your incredible an I-I-I-I- can't help myself Hailey: (smiles) really (Jimmy nods) wow, are we really gonna do this? Jimmy: (whispers) I think we already are (Hailey laughs) but um I think the real question is how are we gonna tell...Kirsten...without sustaining bodily injuries Hailey: well...she doesn't have'ta know right away does she (they both smile at each other) CUT TO: The pool house - Summer is sitting on the bed practicing the Haggadah, Seth is lying on the bed reading a comic and listening to her Summer: for on all other nights we do not dip our food into salt water, but tonight we dip karpas into salt water an maror into charoses Seth: (sits up) did you just do that all by heart Summer: mm-hmm was it ok? Seth: it was perfect (kisses her) you know what you can use the book though, didn't I tell you that Summer: (hits him) no! Cohen! Seth: what? you're so good Summer: god Seth: you're my little chachem (Summer playfully hits him and he hits her back, they both laugh. Ryan and Marissa are in the doorway) Ryan: hey sorry we're late (Summer goes over to Marissa) Seth: hey Marissa: hey Summer: (hugs her) i'm so sorry Coop Marissa: its ok really we're fine Seth: hey did you see Luke Ryan: I don't think we'll be seein Luke for a while Seth: how'd you manage that? Ryan: I didn't, Marissa smacked the hell out of him (smiles) Summer: nice Coop! (Marissa smiles/laughs) Seth: well I guess she's ben hanging out with you too much Ryan: yeah (Sandy comes in) Sandy: hey you guys ready'ta eat Summer: yes! Marissa: yeah! Sandy: well that's too bad cause the Seders about to begin, c'mon (Marissa and Summer laugh and walk out, followed by Seth) Sandy: (puts his hand on Ryan's back) so how was everything at home? Ryan: you tell me, I was in Chino (they both smile) CUT TO: The dinner table - Sandy is at one end, Kirsten at the other. Marissa Ryan and Summer on one side. Hailey, Seth and Nana Cohen on the other. Sandy is reading from the Haggadah Sandy: tonight we celebrate the first night of Passover. a celebration of rebirth, of new beginnings an of freedom. freedom from the constraints that have bound us an freedom to join together to take responsibility for ourselves, for our family's, for our community and for the world Ryan: do we eat now? Seth: (laughs) Ryan we've got like 6 more hours, yeah strap in Sandy: lets all raise our glasses (they all pick up their glasses - fade out)

Plan: A: Marissa; Q: Who gives Luke a chance after his accident? A: a near-fatal car accident; Q: What event causes Marissa to give Luke a chance? A: a liquor license; Q: What does Jimmy become an obstacle in getting? A: Caleb; Q: Who proposes to Julie? Summary: Marissa doesn't want to hear what Luke has to say, but gives him a chance after a near-fatal car accident. Meanwhile, Jimmy becomes an obstacle in getting a liquor license. Caleb proposes to Julie.

Opening scene - The Bait Shop - the first thing we see is random people dancing, drinking and having a good time then up on the balcony we see Summer and Seth standing together, they are both watching something Summer: he's leaning forward indicating all focus is on her (we see what or should I say who Summer is referring to, it's Sadie and Ryan sitting together and just as Summer said Ryan is leaning towards Sadie) Summer: see how her palms are facing up that means that she's open to what he's communicating, Star Magazine what stars body language is really saying Seth: well I've talkedto the guy an what Ryan is really saying is he an Sadie are just taking it slow (we see another shot of Ryan and Sadie. Sadie runs her hand down Ryan's arm and takes his hand in hers) Summer: oh no, bodies don't lie (Ryan kisses Sadie's hand) I'm sounding out a hot new couple alert (we see Ryan and Sadie stand up and head over to where Summer and Seth are, still holding hands) Summer: act like you know nothing (looks away) Seth: I don't (looks away) Ryan: hey so uh I think we're gonna head out Seth: alright we'll go with ya Ryan: nnn no its fine just uh stay here Sadie: ill get him home safe (smiles) Ryan: (wraps his arms around Sadie's waist as she walks in front) ah huh (Sadie laughs) Seth: (frowns) alright so there into each other Summer: you know what I'm actually happy for them Seth: an you don't feel weird about Marissa cause even id feel a little weird about Marissa for you Summer: no, id feel weird about Marissa if I saw Marissa Seth: I thought she was stayin at your house now that your parents are hookin up on the high seas Summer: (frowns) no she's ben sleeping at the trailer, this break up has hit her hard she said she needs timeto process her feelings an heal in solitude (all of a sudden Seth has a suprised/shocked expression on his face and we see why, Marissa is downstairs with Volchok's surfing buddies, one of them hands her beers) Seth: or party with two hundred sweaty teens Summer: what (looks down) (we see Marissa go over to Volchok and hand him a beer. Volchok puts his arm around Marissa's shoulder while Marissa drinks and then he kisses her on the side of the head, Marissa almost smiles. we see Seth and Summers shocked expressions and then we see Marissa and Volchok again, Volchok has his hand up the back of Marissa's top and they are kissing pretty intensely) Summer: oh my god (screws up face) ugh Seth: so if the body doesn't lie (squints) Summer: then it's saying eww (we see more of Marissa and Volchok kissing. Volchok has his hand on Marissa's backside) Seth: eww, or touch my pooper (Summer looks at Seth unamused) Theme song - California by Phantom Planet Julie's trailer, next morning - the first thing we see is how messy it is, there are food and drink related items everywhere, dirty dishes, pizza boxes, half empty bottles of alcohol etc then the camera shows us that Volchok and Marissa are asleep on the couch together. Volchok is shirtless and Marissa is in her underwear, her head is in the crook of Volchok's arm, about the only semi sweet thing about the whole thing. at this point we hear a bang on the door and Summers voice Summer: (calls) Coop (bangs) it's me your best friend (Marissa and Volchok stir) you know the one that you tell everything to Volchok: (screws up face) damn my head Marissa: (sits up) whoa what time is it Summer: (bangs again) I know it's not big in there my voice travels (bangs repeatedly) (Marissa pushes Volchok's legs aside and sits on the edge of the couch, Volchok sits around) Marissa: um ok y-you gotta hide (Marissa takes a bong and a beer bottle from the table) Volchok: (scoffs) what, you live in a trailer Summer: (yells) Coop! (bangs repeatedly, getting frustrated) Marissa: (calls) I'm coming Sum (to Volchok) here take these (Marissa hands two beer bottles and the bong to Volchok, he holds them to his chest) Marissa: an-an this (hands Volchok two more alcohol bottles) go (Volchok, arms full of everything Marissa gave him slowly side steps towards the bedroom area) Summer: Coop (bangs) my hand doesn't remotely hurt (bangs repeatedly) (inside Marissa quickly throws Volchok's shirt on over her underwear) Summer: (calls) Coop! Marissa: (opens door) hey Summer: hi (looks at Marissa's shirt) lookin good Coop (Marissa looks down at herself) (frowns) look very Kate Moss pre Vanity Fair cover (Marissa looks at her) what'cha doin (pokes head inside) Marissa: uhhh you know nothin (raises eyebrows) Summer: hmm did you have a good time last night (goes inside) Marissa: yeah Summer: huh synopsis' really firing huh Marissa: I think I have a bit of a head cold Summer: well as long as you don't have any other infectious diseases (smiles at Marissa) (we hear Marissa's cell phone ring) Marissa: what (squints) Summer: (frowns) hm Marissa: hang on (Marissa goes over to the counter and picks up her phone, she looks at who is calling before she answers) Marissa: (sighs) hey (we see a very tropical looking Julie in a car, she even has a flower in her hair!) Julie: (with accent, cheery) hola Marissa, es su Madre >Marissa: hi mom (we hear Summers cell phone ring, she answers it) Summer: (frowns) hello (we see Neil also in a car) Neil: hey, how's my girl (we see Marissa and Summer both on their phones still) Summer: hi daddy (looks at Marissa) (we now see that Neil and Julie are in the car together, both on the phone to their daughters) Julie: so we're back from our trip Summer: did you guys have a good time Neil: it was wonderful, can you have dinner with us tonight Marissa: (frowns) uh fine, um what time Julie: don't sound so excited, uhh eight'ish Summer: yeah perfect, bye (hangs up) Marissa: ok, bye (hangs up) (Marissa and Summer look at each other) Summer: my dad Marissa: my mom Summer: dinner Marissa: eight Summer: why don't you go get dressed an ill drive youto school and um we can talk about that an other stuff Marissa: ok uh give me a minute (raises eyebrow, stands) Summer: I think your gonna need a little bit more than that (Marissa walks into the bedroom just as Volchok lights the bong she gave to him to hide) Volchok: mm come here (motions) its cherry Marissa: look you gotta go (we hear the sound of bubbles and then Volchok goes over and kisses Marissa for a few seconds, when they stop kissing Marissa coughs out smoke and then keeps coughing) Volchok: swig an bake baby, always cures a hangover (Marissa looks at Volchok in disbelief) CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Seth is in there and Ryan comes in from outside, whistling Ryan: (claps hands together) hey, what's up man (touches Seth's shoulders) Seth: someone's in a chipper mood this morning Ryan: yeah well you know I had a really good time last night (looks at Seth) I like that place the uh the Bait Shop (nods, points) we should hang out there more often (Seth is now sitting at the end of the counter) Seth: (frowns) really Ryan: yeah wh- maybe uh maybe tonight, Sadie likes the DJ, she uh she kinda wantsto get me on the dance floor Seth: (shakes head) no Ryan: what your- your the one who's always telling meto loosen up you know, go out more Seth: tense, tightly wound, shut in that's all I want outta you, ok, its kind of a Boo Radley shape far away from the Bait Shop an all its unsavoury characters (Ryan drinks his coffee, Sandy comes in) Ryan: hey, Sandy (touches Sandy's shoulder) what's goin on Sandy: oh, good mood huh Ryan: yeah well (huge smile at Seth) Sandy: things must be workin out with this girl Seth: dad Ryan just smiled Sandy: well, she seems great (Ryan looks at Sandy, noticing he's a little distracted, and then looks at Seth. Seth shrugs and Ryan looks back at Sandy) Ryan: everything ok with you Sandy: yep, just work, not to worry Ryan: yeah, well uh listen fellas loveto chat gotta get overto Sadie's, got a few minutes before school but um (looks at Sandy) cheer up (looks at Seth) ok (claps hands) (Seth looks at Ryan like he's crazy. Kirsten comes in as Ryan leaves) Kirsten: hey handsome men (smiles) at the same time Sandy: where Seth: where Seth: (screws up face) uh I just made the same joke as my dad, that's a bad sign Sandy: your father happensto be hilarious its just harderto tell these days Kirsten: well then it's a good thing that we have a date tonight Sandy: (looks at Kirsten) what Kirsten: (looks at Sandy) romantic dinner by the water followed by an even (Sandy closes his eyes) more romantic walk on the beach followed by Seth: uh-hm nothing (Kirsten looks at him) (shakes head) followed by nothing you will walk an you will eat (Kirsten smiles) Sandy: oh gees I'm afraid I-I (looks at Kirsten) I can't even do that Kirsten: you're cancelling Sandy: postponing I...I wanna be in the right frame'a mindto eat an walk with you, I'm sorry Kirsten: something's wrong Sandy: (waves it off) it'll all be fine (Sandy kisses Kirsten's cheek and leaves. Seth looks at Kirsten and then down. Kirsten looks disappointed) Seth: so dads been workin alot lately huh (Kirsten looks at him then towards the doorway) well look ill be your date we haven't gotten a chanceto hang out in a while Kirsten: (suprised) wow, I thought you forgot you had a mother Seth: hey, lay off the guilt I said I'm in (shrugs) I just getto pick the movie (Kirsten looks at Seth touched. aww) CUT TO: Johnny's house - Ryan and Sadie are there together Sadie: so we're a couple thousand feet short of a Mc Mansion but hopefully someone'll take it Ryan: yeah well with that sales pitch who could resist Sadie: are you saying you find me irresistible (smiles) (Sadie is leaning up against the wall directly opposite the new breakfast bar. Ryan is standing in front of her with his hand above her head and they kiss. Ryan has his hand on her waist and she has her hand on the side of his neck/cheek, then Ryan moves his hand to the side of her neck and she moves hers to the side of his waist) Sadie: (pulls away) mm paint smell ? on the way over its romantic an all but um Ryan: yeah, plus I should (screws up face) probably getto school to (kisses Sadie) ok (starts to walk away) Sadie: (holds Ryan's arm and pulls him back) no no wait (laughs) Ryan: nooo Sadie: we could pick this up tonight (kisses Ryan) Ryan: mmm yeah I could give you a tour'a the pool house Sadie: yeah an we'll see if you can close the deal (looks at Ryan) Ryan: ah (looks at Sadie wide eyed and smiles) (Sadie laughs and they kiss twice more) Ryan: gotta go (Ryan leaves and Sadie watches him with a smile on her face) CUT TO: Harbor school - Seth and Summer are in the student lounge playing a video game, Summer is actually playing at the moment and Seth is watching her Summer: you didn't mention a word to Ryan Seth: spoil his good mood, he practically skipped outta the kitchen Summer: Atwood skipping now there's a disturbing an odd visual Seth: picture this one, Ryan (squints) dancing, its what this woman doesto him an if we wanna keep the skip in his step we've gotta keep Volchok off his radar Summer: gah (referring to the game) you play (points) (Summer stands up and Seth sits down) Summer: Volchok is Atwood's kryptonite, he'll totally Hulk out (raises eyebrows) Seth: your mixing comic book metaphors but you think we can keep Marissa quiet Summer: Marissa, she can barely put her words together these days Seth: she's usually such a wordsmith Summer: what'does she see in that guy, he's so dirty and greasy (screws up face) Seth: he's got good abs (nods) women like abs (Summer goes over to get coffee) got a six pack myself I know Summer: oh Cohen those are your ribs Seth: oh, well listen lets just not tell anybody anything Summer: alright, heads down lips sealed, smooth sailing (Seth stands and goes over to Summer and then they start to leave) Seth: he's also got really defined triceps, I like that CUT TO: The Newport Group - Matt walks into Sandy's office and Sandy closes the door behind him. Matt sits down Sandy: I wanna get right to it (Matt sighs) I talkedto Griffin Matt: (looks at Sandy) your firing me Sandy: yes (looks at Matt) I'm firing you, I have no choice (Matt nods) it's for the good'a the hospital Matt: (scoffs) what kinda garbage excuse is that Sandy: the truthful kind Matt: yeah, when it's convenient for you (Sandy looks at him) (stands) you know every time that you need to do something that makes you feel bad (Sandy looks at him) your doin it for the hospital Sandy: it's either you...or the hospital, Griffin will not move forward unless you're gone Matt: (shakes head) you don't even see this happening, he's makin me the fall guy Sandy: there's no needto pedal on conspiracy theories here Matt (Matt looks away) you are no angel Matt: neither is Griffin, he's ben takin kickbacks from vendors for years (Sandy looks down) see I like ta know who I'm gettin inta business with Sandy: those are some bold accusations (raises eyebrows) Matt: I can back em up, an ill be happyto share everything I know about him...an you (Sandy looks at him) to whoever will listen (starts to leave) Sandy: (calls) thanks for the heads up (Matt looks) (nods) now I know I'm doin the right thing Matt: you think things'a ben complicated, you haven't seen anything yet (raises eyebrows) boss (Matt leaves, Sandy looks a little pissed off) CUT TO: Roberts' house, night - Marissa and Summer are sitting on the couch together with their arms folded almost defensively. Neil opens a bottle of champagne, we hear and see the pop Neil: oooh (Julie is standing near Neil with a champagne glass) Julie: a little champagne wont hurt you girls (looks at Marissa/Summer) it is a toast (smiles) Neil: yeah how often do we get engaged (smiles, quickly adds) don't answer that (Marissa and Summer look at each other) Summer: (suprised) engaged (stands) Marissa: you guys are engaged (sits forward) Summer: I'm so happy for you Neil: thankyou baby (Summer kisses him) Julie: really, you are Summer: yeah, I mean you may be Mrs. Cooper-Nichol-Cooper-Roberts but if (looks at Neil) you make my dad happy Neil: she does Julie: I do (smiles) Summer: then I'm happy (shrugs, hugs Julie) Julie: oh Neil: Marissa how bout some champagne Marissa: ...sure (Julie goes over to Marissa with the champagne in her hand, we hear Marissa's cell phone ring and we can see Summer drinking her champagne in the background) Julie: Marissa d'you have anything ta add (hopeful) Marissa: oh, one sec (takes out phone, answers) hey (Julie looks at her) yeah (looks around) you are...ok bye (Marissa hangs up and Julie hands her the glass of champagne. Marissa holds it up as if to say "cheers" and then proceeds to down the whole glass in one go. Julie watches her, frowning. Summer just has a "typical" expression on her face. Marissa swallows and clinks the now empty glass with Julies) Marissa: congrats (leaves) (Summer watches Marissa leave, after a few seconds Julie turns around to face Neil and Summer) Julie: will you excuse me for a moment (goes after Marissa) Summer: I...uh, me too (puts glass down) (the next thing we see is Marissa near the front door and Julie not far behind her) Julie: (calls) Marissa (Marissa doesn't react) where d'you think your going young lady (in the background we can see Summer watching) Marissa: I gotta go mom my friend called an he says he needs me Julie: I need you, I don't have'ta tell you how important this night is for our family Marissa: yeah well don't worry mom I'm not gonna screw up your golden ticket (Marissa leaves and Julie stands there shocked then sighs and closes her eyes. she turns around and sees Summer standing there, they look at each other awkwardly and then Summer goes after Marissa. Julie sighs and walks away from the door. outside Summer sees Marissa go over to Volchok who is standing beside his motorcycle, she kisses him and Summer screws up her face. Marissa looks up at Marissa and Summer looks at her worried. Marissa looks away and puts the helmet on as Volchok gets on the bike. Summer then watches as Volchok and Marissa ride off, Marissa is sitting on the back and holding Volchok around the waist. Summer shakes her head) CUT TO: Driving on the road - Kirsten is driving and Seth is in the passenger seat Kirsten: I don't know if I'm a fan of Yakuza films, it was an interesting movie (looks at Seth) but a fun night Seth: yeah, I would say anytime you getto watch a guy rip off his own armto continue fighting (Kirsten smiles) that's a really good night Kirsten: I just didn't understand the other fellow Seth: (looks at Kirsten) what the guy that produced the ball of energy from his chest an then destroyed the world, I think its (almost condescendingly) pretty self explanatory Kirsten: (smiles reminiscently) you remember when I took youto Fantasia (Seth looks at her) cause I do (looks at Seth) Seth: I'm sorry you didn't like the movie Kirsten: oh it was worth itto spend some time with you...I've missed you Seth: well you wanna do it again, you want a second date Kirsten: yeah (looks at Seth) but I getto pick the activity (we hear Seth's cell phone ring) Seth: sure Kirsten: tomorrow night (Seth nods) I have an idea already (smiles) Seth: (answers) hey (we see Summer out the front of her house on her cell phone) Summer: we have a major problem, Marissa just bailed on our parents engagement party (sits) ta skank out with the surf Nazi (we see Kirsten pulling up out the front of the Cohen's house) Seth: your dad an Julie got engaged, you kinda buried the lead there Summer Kirsten: (looks at Seth) Julie an Dr. Roberts Summer: we got bigger fish here Cohen (frowns) Marissa is on a slut spiral an we needto stop her (Kirsten and Seth get out of the car) Seth: it's a little outta my league Summer: I know, we need Ryan, the code of silence (raises eyebrows) has been lifted Seth: ill talk to him, but he's ben in such a good mood CUT TO: The pool house - we see it firstly from outside looking in, it's very dimly lit and the shades are down. inside we see Ryan and Sadie on the bed making out, and candles are around them. Sadie is on top of Ryan Sadie: mm so this is the pool house (Ryan continues kissing Sadie as he rolls her over so he is now on top of her) Ryan: are you interested in making an offer (kisses Sadie's neck) Sadie: uh, it's a little small (kiss) but it's got great views (more kissing, Ryan puts his hand on Sadie's head and Sadie has hers on Ryan's shoulder. in the background we hear the door shake and then Seth's voice) Seth: what (bangs, knocks) locked, when did this door get a lock on it Ryan: (stops kissing, calls) little busy Seth (Ryan goes back to making out with Sadie) Seth: yeah you're not the only one, listen I don't wanna have'ta tell you this through the door but Marissa's ben hooking up with Volchok (at that moment Ryan and Sadie stop kissing but they still have their lips touching, like there's no movement from either of them. the next thing we see is Seth with his head near the door and it suddenly opens) Seth: (sees Ryan) oh hey (Ryan glares at him) (sees Sadie) oh hey...Sadie I didn't realise Sadie: yeah, good night Seth Ryan: night Sadie: call me ok Ryan: yeah (Sadie kisses Ryan on the cheek and leaves. Seth and Ryan watch her, Ryan doesn't look happy with Seth at all,lol) Seth: guess I ruined the mood huh Ryan: (mouths nah) just alot (Seth and Ryan nod) CUT TO: Harbor school, next morning - Ryan and Seth are in the halls together Ryan: you know when I put the locks on I thought I solved the problem Seth: you know me man, when I have important informationto disseminate nothing can stop me (Ryan nods) not walls, not locks Ryan: not women Seth: so what're you gonna do (Seth and Ryan are now in the student lounge) Ryan: well reschedule with Sadie an get backto her place Seth: no I meant about Marissa Ryan: what'do you mean what am I gonna do Seth: well, Summer seemsto think this Volchok guy is not exactly a beacon of morality Ryan: eh not my problem, not my girlfriend (nods) (they are now at the food and drinks area) Seth: no I know (waves it off) uhh two coffees (hands money over) Ryan: look man she makes her own choices (Seth looks at him) so do I, I choose Sadie's tonight (nods) Seth: so zen these days, its simultaneously inspiring an disconcerting Ryan: just feeling good man just feelin good (smiles and holds up coffee) Seth: cheers CUT TO: Julies trailer - Julie and Kirsten are there together packing up Julies things Kirsten: I can't believe you're getting married, again Julie: you make it seem like an everyday occurrence Kirsten: it almost is (looks at Julie) Julie: this time it's gonna stick, it just feels real, not everyone can have that Kirsten an Sandy relationship that bionic kevlar wrapped robo marriage that can withstand anything you throw at it (Kirsten seems like she doesn't agree with what Julie said, or it doesn't apply at the moment but she doesn't say anything. it's just a look she has) Kirsten: well you've seemed happier than I've seen you in a long time (smiles) Julie: (smiles) mm, Neil has mellowed me, no more manipulative bitch, no more scheming no more double crossing (Kirsten smiles) which will be a disappointment to some Kirsten: not for Dr. Roberts Julie: (thinks) you know we both just kinda found each other, right at the moment (raises eyebrows) when we really needed someone, there's no agenda Kirsten: he does have a palatial estate Julie: Kirsten, if he wantedto live together in this trailer, id do it (Kirsten looks at her) (screws up face) not that I'm offering (Julie goes out the door carrying a box. we hear whistling and she stops when she sees something. we see that it's Gus peeing near the trailer) Julie: real classy Gus Gus: (looks at Julie) its them big gulps, they go right through me (Julie raises an eyebrow) sneak up on me too Julie: that's a nice final image (closes eyes) Kirsten: (calls) what's going on (Kirsten comes to the door and Julie raises her eyebrows at her, Kirsten looks at Gus then closes her eyes and looks away quickly,lol) Kirsten: oh my god (Gus zips up and wipes his hands on his top) Gus: are you the new tenant (Kirsten looks at him) (holds out hand) niceto meet you Kirsten: (looks away) we really needto get you outta here (Kirsten and Julie put the boxes down on the table. Gus smells his hand and then wipes it on his top again. gross) CUT TO: Harbor school - we hear the bell ring and then see Ryan come out of a classroom, he stops when he sees something, its Marissa at her locker. Ryan watches her for a few seconds and then goes over Ryan: hi Marissa: (looks) hi, what's up Ryan: missed you in class Marissa: (shrugs) yeah there was traffic Ryan: we had that test today Marissa: (sighs, closes her eyes and scratches her head) that was today (Ryan looks at Marissa worriedly, Marissa drops a book and bends down to get it along with Ryan, as she does a flask falls out and Ryan grabs it. Marissa stands up and Ryan looks at her, he hands the flask to Marissa and she puts it in her bag) Marissa: thanks (raises eyebrow) gotta go (Marissa shuts her locker and walks off. Ryan looks worried) CUT TO: The Newport Group - Sandy and Henry are in Sandy's office together Henry: totally an completely untrue an if Matt ever triedto print that I will sue him for liable Sandy: he seemed pretty sure of himself Henry: if it wasn't for me your firm would be belly up right now which is why I don't (holds out hands) appreciate your accusing me Sandy: (looks at Henry) I'm not accusing anybody of anything, an forgive me for sayin Henry but...you seem a touch defensive Henry: (sighs) the only business that I am in is the business of helping people, I would like ta believe that we are partners in that Sandy: ...you give me your word (looks at Henry) ill give you the benefit of the doubt Henry: Sandy (stands) (Sandy stands) I didn't become a doctor ta get rich, you have my word (shakes Sandy's hand) CUT TO: Roberts' house - Julie opens the front door to let the moving guys out Julie: thankyou (hands them money) you did a wonderful job, thankyou (smiles, waves) bye (Julies closes the door behind them and looks around herself, almost surreally. she smiles and jumps up and down excitedly just as the housekeeper comes down the stairs. Julie makes a fist as if to say "yes" then spins around and does a little squeal. Julie stops and looks at the housekeeper who is staring at her) Julie: (smiles) hola Mima (Mima looks at her) es bueno (raises eyebrows) (Mima looks at her) vamanos por favor (smiles) Mima: I'm from the Philippines Julie: oh, well, then (Julie looks at Mima, Mima looks at her and then goes back upstairs) CUT TO: Harbor school - we see Marissa lying on the hood of Summers car with her eyes closed. Summer sees her and goes over. Marissa sits up Summer: wow Coop (Marissa looks) you make a really good hood ornament Marissa: (sighs) funny Summer: I know (Marissa takes out the flask and drinks) Summer: oh are you getting drunk Marissa: more like staying drunk Summer: (sarcastically, nods) oh good plan Marissa: I can't deal with this right now (moves to the edge of the hood) Summer: well your gonna have to, cause now Coop we're sisters Marissa: right which means your not (raises eyebrows) my mom Summer: (looks at Marissa) I know about Volchok (Marissa looks away) I saw you mauling him at the Bait shop an now your shacking up with him at the trailer park Marisa: wow, well aren't you a regular Veronica Mars, wayto solve this weeks mystery (looks away) Summer: what has gotten inta you, since I know who has Marissa: what'do you care, you have Seth an Ryan's got his new girlfriend Johnny's gone (looks at Summer) what difference (shrugs, raises eyebrows) does it make what I do, I'm not hurting anyone Summer: oh you're just the saddest girl in the whole world, you know grow up (Marissa looks away) get over yourself, take a shower (goes to the car) Marissa: fine (raises eyebrows) well why don't you take your little emo boyfriend drive off in your beemer an go hometo daddies (raises eyebrows) mansion Summer: oh yeah well why don't you go with Volchokto one of his heavy metal vomit parties (Marissa looks at her) an like (mockingly) listento heavy metal an like vomit (raises eyebrows) Marissa: wow, you're being so lame (walks away) Summer: (defensively) not as lame as you Marissa: fine (waves) bye Summer: later (Summer gets into her car and slams the door) CUT TO: The Newport Group - Sandy is in his office packing up to go home. he shuts his briefcase, turns off the desk lamp and then flicks the light switch near the door. as he starts heading out he hears a faint bang and then another one, he looks worried and then opens a door, Matt is inside Sandy: (looks at Matt) what're you doin Matt: I'm takin what's mine (puts files in a box) Sandy: you were suppose'ta turn over your key, your trespassing Matt: (holds up file) these are my personal files which your office (looks at Sandy) conveniently forgotto send, I'm takin em Sandy: no your not Matt: what're you gonna do, arrest me Sandy (Sandy looks at him) you gonna fight me, your actin like you got somethinto hide Sandy: you're acting like a child Matt: if you're so sure that I don't have a case then you shouldn't care if I leave with this box Sandy: (looks at Matt) are you threatening me Matt: (picks up box) doesn't seem like I have a choice (just before he walks out) game on Sandy (Sandy watches Matt leave in disbelief) CUT TO: The diner - Ryan and Sadie are there together Sadie: wow, this is so romantic (looks at Ryan) an original Ryan: yeah, well, what can I say I'm a creature of habit Sadie: (smiles) yes, yes the lure of the chili fry (laughs) (we see that Sadie and Ryan are sitting next to each other with a plate of chili fries sitting in front of them, Ryan laughs) Sadie: natural aphrodisiac Ryan: yeah well I think we'll be fine as long as Seth is nowhere nearby Sadie: Seth right, well good good um cause I have somethingto tell you (looks at Ryan) I have some good news Ryan: (raises eyebrows) yeah (looks at Sadie) (in the background we hear some surfy guys talking about Volchok Guy: believe Volchok missed the ? (Ryan looks over, Sadie looks at him) he's gonna be pi- Guy2: nah he won't care he's hangin with that (Sadie looks over) private school chick Marissa we see 4 guys sit in a booth together, one of them is the guy that told Marissa where she could find Volchok in 317 Guy: seems kinda lame (Sadie looks down uncomfortably) Guy2: yeah lame an hot (Ryan listens) Surfy guy: oh she aint innocent, Volchok show you the scratches on his back (makes claws and cat sound) the guys laugh and make comments. Ryan looks down) Sadie: look uh why don't we take thisto go Ryan: no no no its fine Sadie: let's just go, come on (starts to stand) Ryan: its, Sadie, its fine, Sadie (Sadie leaves and Ryan watches her - the next thing we see is Sadie coming out of the diner and Ryan following after her) Ryan: Sadie, Sadie (Sadie stops and looks at Ryan) Sadie: (sighs) I'm not mad, I jus feel like once again you know the mood was kinda ruined Ryan: alright well ok we can turn it around Sadie: (smiles) I think we're trying too hard (Ryan nods) maybe we needto let the perfect night just happen, ok, give it some time Ryan: alright, alright, fine (Sadie kisses him) well let me-let me at least drive you home Sadie: (squints) ok Ryan: just give me a second (Ryan turns and heads back over to the diner) Sadie: (calls) Ryan come on, don't go back (Ryan goes back into the diner) Surfy guy: hey look its little bitch Ryan: Volchok around Surfy guy: (sits up) why you lookin for your girlfriend Ryan: no actually I'm lookin for him, an if you see him tell him that (Surfy guy smiles at his buddies) anto meet me out at the pier tomorrow morning (leans down and looks Surfy guy in the eyes, almost intimidatingly) (Surfy guys smile goes) you think you can remember all that (Surfy guy looks at him) you need me ta write it down for you (Ryan and Surfy guy glare at each other) Guy: yeah bro, we'll tell him (Ryan leaves and slams the diner door) CUT TO: The pier, next morning. Ryan is sitting on a pylon underneath the pier waiting for Volchok Volchok: you know I just knew, I knew it was only a matter'a time until you got in my face again Ryan: I jus wanna talk Volchok: about what your new girlfriend (points to Ryan) or mine (touches his chest) cause you know I got stories about both of em Ryan: (gets down) bet you do Volchok: this where you tell me I better leave her alone that-that she's too good for me Ryan: whoever Marissa wantsto be with, it's not my placeto judge (Volchok looks at him) saw her at school (looks away) she didn't look so good (looks at Volchok) Volchok: that girl couldn't look bad if she tried Ryan: she was drinking you know she has a problem with that right Volchok: she drinks (shrugs) she gets drunk (shrugs) I don't see the problem Ryan: ...jus so you know I'm not lookin after her anymore...it's on you now (Volchok looks at him) treat her right, she deserves it (Ryan leaves and Volchok looks as though what Ryan just said hit him hard) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Roberts' house - we see Marissa come out of a set of doors and then directly opposite Summer comes out of another set of doors, they stop when they see each other. Marissa scoffs and puts her sunglasses on, Summer glares at Marissa and puts hers on. they both sit down opposite each other at the table, it has all different foods laid out on it. Marissa puts her napkin on her lap as Summer pours herself a cup of tea or coffee, not sure which. Marissa holds her cup out to Summer and Summer looks at her then puts the teapot down. Marissa scoffs and puts the empty cup down. Summer then goes to reach for a piece of toast but before she can Marissa takes the whole plate,lol Marissa gives Summer a "ner ner" look as well. Summer grabs what looks like a croissant instead. Marissa picks up a piece of toast and a knife and then goes to grab the spread that's sitting in a glass jar, but unfortunately for her Summer gets in first,lol. she puts it down next to her plate and out of Marissa's reach then takes the lid off. a cheery Neil and Julie come over Julie: good morning ladies Neil: actually a great morning, second family first breakfast together (Neil has his hand around Julies shoulder, aww. Marissa and Summer both look annoyed as they put spreads on their toast/croissant) Julie: an tonight we're goingto have our first family dinner (looks at Marissa) something that hopefully (looks at Neil then Summer) will become a weekly tradition (Neil smiles and squeezes Julies shoulder. Summer looks at Marissa as she pulls apart her croissant) Neil: mm nothing like all sitting down together to a good meal (looks at Marissa) Julie: discussing current events, catching up on each others lives doesn't that sound fun (looks at Summer) Summer: tons of (looks at Marissa) I know Marissa has several events that she would loveto share with the family (Marissa looks at her) Neil: Summer maybe you can make that pineapple desert I like, you know the one with the graham cracker thing Marissa: (looks at Summer) ooooh I'm sure daddies little girl would love to (Marissa puts down her napkin and leaves the table) Summer: scuse me (leaves the table) (Marissa and Summer both head towards the side doors and they each open a door at the same time. after they go inside we can see Neil and Julie still standing at the table, watching) Julie: (smiles) sisters CUT TO: Johnny's house - Ryan comes in the door Ryan: (calls) Sadie (closes door) hey man I was lookin for Sadie (we see a guy standing over at the counter with a tape measure) Bob: hey, yeah she's in the shower...or was (Sadie comes out with wet hair) Sadie: Ryan Ryan: hi Sadie: did you meet Bob Ryan: hey Bob (nods, smiles, shakes Bobs hand) what's up Sadie: (hands Bob keys) garage door sticks a little Bob: cool Sadie: make yourself at home Bob: thankyou Ryan: see ya (Bob heads into another room and Sadie stays in the kitchen) Ryan: one bad date an I'm already replaced huh, alright alright (raises eyebrows) two bad dates Sadie: Bob, he just bought the house, he lives next door an he made a really great offer (looks at Ryan) that was my news last night if you would'a listened Ryan: I know, I'm sorry I was distracted Sadie: ...you wanna tell me what's up Ryan: sure um...it's Volchok an Marissa (Sadie nods) but its all good now, there was a conversation I neededto have I had it (looks at Sadie) I'm done Sadie: that's good, it's just...I think I'm done too (looks at Ryan) Ryan: what'do you mean Sadie: well my aunts business is handled, the house is sold (shrugs) theres kinda no reason for meto be here Ryan: (looks at Sadie) no reason Sadie: Ryan I never intendedto stay this long, I jus think it might be easier for meto leave if Ryan: if we didn't happen (Sadie nods) (looks away)...have you thought about this Sadie: (nods) yeah I have (looks at Ryan) have you Ryan: (nods)...yeah Sadie: I mean if I stayed id have'ta find an apartment, an then what...wait for youto finish high school, follow youto college Ryan: we're getting a little ahead of ourselves I mean (moves closer to Sadie) I don't know I honestly didn't think that much about the future I uh...was just hopinto take youto dinner (Sadie looks at him) you eat right (Sadie and Ryan smile at each other and then kiss) Sadie: (softly) you haven't thought about it because you're not readyto think about it (Ryan looks at her) which I totally get, but I can't change my whole lifeto be with someone who's distracted (Ryan looks away, raises eyebrows) (Sadie kisses Ryan and walks away, Ryan looks a little overwhelmed, poor guy) CUT TO: The pier - Ryan and Seth are at a taco stand thing together Seth: so that's it then, no more smiling no more skipping no more dancing Ryan: eh you were never a fan of the dancing Seth: I don't know, I might've come around now we'll never know Ryan: yeah, I can't just ask herto move here, change her whole life Seth: well, relocating ta Newport might not be that big'a deal Ryan: yeah, puts alotta pressure on us you know an on the relationship Seth: Ryan Atwood loves pressure, he's not comfortable unless his entire body is being squeezed in a vice grip (they take their taco shells over to the fillings stand) Ryan: (raises eyebrows) that is not true Seth: (looks at Ryan) yeah, you movedto Chinoto help a girl pregnant with a baby that might not even be yours Ryan: Theresa needed someone Seth: stayed with Marissa for several years of tortured torture Ryan: m she was there for me too Seth: but when it comes ta pursuing your own happiness (sits at the table, Ryan sits opposite) with a great girl who seemsto be relatively issue free (Seth leans forward as if he's waiting to hear something from Ryan) Ryan: (realises) I gotta ask herto stay Seth: yes you do Ryan: (raises eyebrows) alright (smiles) Seth: I saw that smile, smiler (nearby Sandy and Henry are having lunch together, its a little more fancier than the taco place Ryan and Seth are at,lol) Henry: I told you Sandy the kids just posturing he's tryin'a get a rise outta you Sandy: well Matt said he has documents, you know he said he could prove what he's saying Henry: (raises eyebrows, sighs) look Sandy, I apologise Sandy: (looks at Henry) now what are you saying Henry: I'm saying I've already let you shoulder too much of the responsibility (nods) on this situation (raises eyebrows) now ill handle it from here Sandy: well that sounds a little ominous, what're you gonna do Henry: you focus on the hospital there's alotta people counting on you an there's alotta workto be done, an you've done too much already (Sandy drinks) what was that you were saying about eighteen holes at Big Canyon (Sandy nods. Henry drinks) CUT TO: Summer bedroom - Summer opens the door to the bathroom and Marissa is already in there doing her make up. Marissa looks at her Summer: oh, you're wearing that to a family dinner (I don't see what's wrong with what Marissa is wearing. it's a nice top with a pair of jeans, maybe Summer means it's not fancy enough? I don't know) Marissa: who says I'm goingto dinner (Marissa puts what she is holding down and goes into her bedroom, which we can see is on the other side of the joint bathroom. Summer follows her) Summer: ok, Marissa, be mad at me if you want but it is our family (Marissa grabs a jacket off of her bed) Marissa: whatever, save me some dessert (Marissa leaves and Summer folds her arms, frustrated. she looks around Marissa's room. the bed is unmade and has clothes all over it, there are clothes hanging off of the bed, and boxes just sitting there that seem to have not been unpacked yet) CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - we hear Seth's cell phone ring, he looks at who is calling and then answers it Seth: hey what's up (we now see Summer on her phone, still in Marissa's room) Summer: the slut is still spiraling I thought I told youto talk to Ryan Seth: (opens fridge) I did, I triedto activate his saviour complex (Kirsten comes in) but it seems he's been cured (looks at Kirsten) hey I gotta go I'm hanging with my mom Summer: (frowns) your hanging with your mom Seth: I know it seems a little weird but we're tryin somethin different so ill talk to you a little later Summer: fine Seth: ok bye (hangs up) Kirsten: all set Seth: yeah, where're we goin, cardio barre, yoga-laties Kirsten: (smiles, touches Seth's back) something new CUT TO: Roberts' house - we see Julie sitting at the outside table, she looks at her watch, then we see Neil sigh and then Summer sitting there with her arms folded. the one missing from the family dinner is Marissa of course Neil: let's give Marissa a couple'a more minutes shall we Julie: actually I think we should just get started Summer: personally I'm starving, why don't we just dig in an bond (Julie looks a little disappointed) what were we gonna do at this dinner discuss current events, I think we live in a very fascinating time (looks at Julie) Julie: riveting (Summer nods) Neil: Julie why don't you ring her on her cell, see where she is Julie: I did call, several times Neil: well I'm just a little concerned you know she never missed dinner when she was staying here last semester Julie: (matter of factly) that's because I wasn't here (Neil looks at Julie. Summer looks from Neil to Julie) Julie: Neil Marissa an I haven't always had the greatest- Summer: (quickly jumps in) luck (Julie looks at her) but you've always stood by each other through...hard times (looks at Neil) isn't that great dad Neil: (smiles, looks at Julie) yes, it is, you Cooper girls are really something (smiles) Julie: thankyou Neil (looks at Summer) and thankyou... Summer (Summer smiles and looks down) will you pass the potatoes please (smiles) CUT TO: The beach - Marissa and Volchok are sitting by a fire together. Marissa is staring at the fire and Volchok looks at her Volchok: I thought you an your mom fought all the time Marissa: (raises eyebrows) its not my mom (swallows) its Summer (thinks) you know the only other time we really fought was in the fifth grade, when I sat on the back'a the bus (looks at Volchok) with Luke on the wayto the museum of tolerance Volchok: who's Luke Marissa: (smiles) Summer an Luke were engaged, in the second grade (Volchok smiles) she doesn't liketo talk about it (looks at Volchok) why all the questions, all of the sudden Volchok: what'do you mean Marissa: you just seem very interested in my life Volchok: I just um, we're hangin out seems like Marissa: (smiles) what Volchok: umm (looks at Marissa) you deserveto be treated right Marissa: (looks away then at Volchok) if I wantedto be treated right (shakes head) I wouldn't be with you (Marissa leans forward and kisses Volchok) Volchok: works for me (smiles) (Marissa nods) (holds out cocaine vial) d'you want'a bump Marissa: (looks at Volchok then down then back at him) I don't I- (closes eyes) I mean...I've never (looks at Volchok) Volchok: there's a first time for everything (Marissa nods and looks down, not interested. Volchok closes his hand) Volchok: guess I'm partyin solo (Marissa looks almost uncomfortable) CUT TO: Kirsten and Seth - we see Seth walk into a room and look around, there are older people talking to each other, we don't know where they are yet but most viewers had a pretty good idea Seth: ok what is this place Kirsten: you'll see (Seth looks around, not quite sure what to make of it. the next thing we see is Kirsten over at a table getting herself a cup of coffee) Seth: (frowns) a crappy rec. center basement, bad coffee, I don't think your in a weight watchers so (Kirsten looks at him) either your the lead in a community theatre group or have converted to an extremely under funded religion (at the front of the room a woman starts talking) Ellen: hi, I'm Ellen (Seth/Kirsten look) an I'm an alcoholic Kirsten: (smiles) hi Ellen Everyone: hi Ellen (Seth looks at Kirsten with a "you've got to be kidding me" expression, Kirsten looks at him) Ellen: we will begin this evening with our reading of chapter five (Seth looks at Kirsten and starts to leave, Kirsten puts her coffee down and goes after him) Kirsten: Seth (Seth stops near the door) I thought if you knew you wouldn't of come (folds arms) Seth: (softly) well good instinct, like goin through this the first time wasn't painful enough Kirsten: this place has saved my family my marriage quite possibly my life, these people know more about me than my own family Seth: well who's fault is that it's not like you ever talk about what happened Kirsten: (looks at Seth) it's not like you ever ask (Seth looks at her) an if this is how you act when I share it with you- Seth: there's sharing an then there's lying (wide eyed) Kirsten: well we're here, an I'm not leaving so you can wait in the car or you can do this for me (Seth looks at her) (pleadingly) just give me an hour...it's important that you be here tonight Seth: (sighs) is anyone gonna rip off their own armto keep fighting Kirsten: metaphorically speaking yeah (half smiles) (Seth raises an eyebrow, shrugs and heads back in. Kirsten smiles, touched and follows him) CUT TO: Matt's apartment - Matt comes in the door and turns the light on, he closes the door behind and looks through his mail. we see a close up of his phone/answering machine which reads 2. Matt pushes a button and we hear the first message Msg: Mitchell: Matt this is Mitchell Kibbin from the register, I've got your message an I'm very interested in talking about the Griffin story, you got the number (beep) Sandy: hey Matt its Sandy, we needto talk, will you call me back as soon as you can (beep) Matt puts the mail and his keys down and we hear a knock at the door. as soon as he opens the door a large guy rams him up against the wall by the neck, smashing a light display in the process. three more guys walk in after him. Matt is clearly scared Matt: look I-its cool you guys take whatever you want I don't care Guy: this isn't a robbery (the guy holding Matt punches him in the stomach while the other guys trash Matt's apartment. we see one of the guys smash glasses and bottles on the table, then another guy tips over a stool thing, then the coffee table is turned over as well. one of the guys holds Matt from behind while another guy punches him. then we see a guy pull down the shelves near the TV and then the same guy smashes the TV with a long thing which makes a loud bang/flash of ligh, then he tips the TV forward and it sparks again. Matt gets punched again, hard in the face) CUT TO: Johnny's house - we hear a knock and then see Ryan standing outside the door with a bunch of flowers, he knocks again and Bob from earlier answers the door Bob: hey Ryan: hey...is uh Sadie around Bob: uh no actually she uh (points) Ryan: you mind if I come in an wait (raises eyebrows) Bob: well I mean it might be a while (nods) you just missed her (Ryan looks at him) she left for Oregon a couple hours ago (Ryan looks at him stunned) I'm sorry (Bob closes the door. Ryan turns away from the door and drops the flowers on the ground. he looks at them and then leaves) CUT TO: The beach - we see a shot of the lifeguard tower and then we see Marissa heading towards it, she looks up and stops suddenly Marissa: hey (we see that Ryan is standing near the left side, he turns and looks at Marissa) Ryan: hi (Marissa walks onto the ramp) Marissa: (suprised) what're you doing here Ryan: sorry I figured you were spending your time under the pier these days (Marissa scoffs, raises her eyebrows and looks down. Ryan looks down) Ryan: uh (looks at Marissa) I can go Marissa: no its fine I'm-I'm not gonna stay (Marissa looks at Ryan, Ryan nods) Marissa: where's Sadie (squints) Ryan: gone, back ta Oregon (Marissa looks at him) went overto see her she'd already left Marissa: (shocked) without saying goodbye Ryan: guess she thought it was easier this way (blinks) Marissa: ...and is it (Ryan scoffs and looks down, Marissa scoffs and closes her eyes) Marissa: you know, you don't have'ta answer that (turns away) I'm gonna go (Ryan looks at her) but um...enjoy then (waves arms in a circle) (Marissa leaves. Ryan watches her for a few seconds) Ryan: ill leave it as I found it (Marissa looks back at Ryan, Ryan has turned away from the ocean so we can see his back. we see Marissa one last time and it appears she's thinking about something) CUT TO: The AA meeting - there is an old guy up in front of everybody talking, everyone is listening to him George: id pissed in the streets, eaten out of garbage and accidentally shot my wife, not once (holds up finger) but twice, thankyou very much (everyone claps) Seth: (whispers to Kirsten) that's a heart warming tale Kirsten: (whispers to Seth) he's been sober thirty years (George goes and sits down and Ellen stands in front of everyone) Ellen: thankyou for that George, before we leave we have a couple of chipsto hand out, Kirsten if you'd liketo join me (Seth looks at Kirsten, Kirsten smiles and goes to the front as everyone claps for her. Ellen hands Kirsten the chip) Ellen: congratulations (hugs Kirsten) your nine months sober Kirsten: (nods) oh thankyou (Seth watches) all of you and uh especially my son Seth whose here with me tonight (smiles) Everyone: (looks at Seth) hi Seth Seth: (smiles uncomfortably) hey Kirsten: he doesn't know this but...he's the reason that I got sober (Seth listens) (getting teary) the look on his face at my intervention...he was so disappointed in me (Seth looks down)...but he believed that I could do this (raises eyebrows) an he was right (smiles) (Seth looks at her and starts to smile) (Kirsten looks down and then goes back to her seat as everyone claps her, including Seth!) Seth: congratulations mom (Seth gives Kirsten a big hug, aww. Seth rubs her back and Kirsten closes her eyes, aww) Seth: only twenty nine years an three months moreto go until you're as normal as ? Burrows over there (nods) (Kirsten smiles lovingly at Seth then we see George whose sound asleep) CUT TO: The bus station - we see Sadie drinking a cup of coffee near the vending machine and then she walks back over to her seat, she smiles at something Sadie: never expected ta see you here (we see that Marissa! is standing there. she goes over to Sadie) Marissa: yeah well I'm just glad I found you, apparently there's alotta waysto leave (Sadie sits) Newport bus, plane, boat Sadie: greyhound, way ta hedge (raises eyebrows) your bets Marissa: I'm just glad your still here Sadie: (looks at Marissa) why Marissa: because (shrugs) I don't think you should leave (Sadie looks down and drinks) Ryan (raises eyebrows) really cares about you Sadie: ...(looks at Marissa) he told you that Marissa: (shrugs) well I mean he didn't have to after everything we've been through (raises eyebrows) I think I know him pretty well Announcer: bus number four six fiveto Portland... Sadie: (grabs bags) yeah well this is my bus so Marissa: he wants you ta stay Sadie: (stands) he didn't tryto stop me Marissa: yeah he did, he was just a couple'a minutes too late Sadie: (looks at Marissa) why're you doing this Marissa: (raises eyebrows)...(shrugs) well I guess because you make Ryan happy (Sadie looks at Marissa, Marissa looks at her and we hear the announcement again) Announcer: bus number four six fiveto Portland Oregon is now boarding (Sadie looks towards the bus and then looks away) CUT TO: Roberts' house - Julie is sitting on the couch looking worried and Neil hands her a glass of wine, she smiles and Neil sits down next to her Julie: Neil dinner was amazing Neil: yeah, Marissa's gonna be sorry she missed it Julie: well we have years of family dinners ahead of us (rests her head on Neil's shoulder) Neil: Julie you know this engagement is a trial, right Julie: (shocked) what Neil: a trial...for you, me...us together (Julie looks at him) for the girls (Summer listens in the background) I mean if our families aren't a good fit then we really (Summer folds her arms) shouldn't get married Julie: (thrown)...of course, I mean...love doesn't really conquer all Neil: no an we both have the broken marriagesto prove that Julie: (sits forward) but Neil surely this time Neil: (sits forward) sweetheart I don't mean that in a punitive way I'm just tryingto be practical (Neil and Julie look at each other, Summer looks disappointed) Neil: I've got some reading to do (kisses Julies cheek) ill see you in a minute (Neil leaves and Julie looks completely thrown) Neil: (to Summer) hey baby Summer: oh (touches Neil's hand) goodnight dad Neil: goodnight (Summer looks at Julie, Julie looks at her) Summer: (frowns) I couldn't help overhearing...what my dad just said (shrugs) but don't worry cause he always gets this way as soon as he startsto get close ta someone (smiles) Julie: ...actually Summer the only thing I'm worried about is my daughter Summer: ...yeah me too (looks down) (Julie nods) CUT TO: The Bait Shop - we see random people dancing and having a good time and then we see Marissa by herself, she goes over to the bar. the bartender goes over to her Marissa: hey vodka on the rocks please Bartender: you got ID Marissa: look I drink here all'a the time Bartender: (nods) yeah when Volchok's guys are buyin Marissa: (looks at the Bartender) cant you just make an exception this one time, I use'ta date the manager Bartender: sorry Marissa: ...look I'm having a bad night an I really need a drink Bartender: you an me both (walks away) (Marissa sighs, frustrated and leaves) CUT TO: Matt's apartment - Sandy walks towards the half open door and sees a glimpse of how trashed the apartment is. we can see things smashed on the stove Sandy: (calls) Matt (Sandy pushes the door open and we see more, there is overturned furniture, broken glass etc. Sandy looks worried) Sandy: oh my god (Sandy walks in and we hear broken glass crunching under his feet, he sees a bloody and bruised Matt sitting up against the kitchen bench with his hand on his head and his eyes closed. aww. Matt looks up at Sandy) Sandy: (stunned) what happened Matt: (scoffs) like you don't know (Sandy looks at him and Matt looks away. we can see blood on his lip and nose and there are bruises on his cheeks and around his eyes, poor guy) CUT TO: The pool house - Ryan comes in and just as he's about to close the door he stops suddenly. we see what he is seeing which is none other than Sadie sitting on his bed with her bag next to her. Ryan closes the door and looks at her, Sadie looks at him Ryan: what're you doing here Sadie: you tell me (Ryan looks away and puts his keys down, purposely avoiding eye contact with her. Sadie looks at him and then after a few seconds sighs and grabs her bags) Sadie: there's another bus in an hour (as Sadie walks passed Ryan he grabs her arm, looks into her eyes and then kisses her urgently, we hear Sadie drop her bags,lol) Ryan: (breathing heavily) what'do I have'ta doto get youto stay Sadie: (kisses Ryan more) I think you're doing it (Ryan and Sadie continuing kissing for a few seconds and then he lowers her onto the bed so that he's on top of her. Sadie has her hand on Ryan's cheek/neck and Ryan has his under her back. we see a close up of Ryan kissing Sadie's neck) CUT TO: The beach - we see Marissa walking by herself, she stops when she sees Volchok sitting with 4 of his buddies by the fire. Marissa looks at them and then heads over Volchok: gladto see you came back, wasn't sure if I should uh Marissa: no more talking (Marissa sits down and takes the cocaine vial out of Volchok's jacket. Volchok touches her hand) Volchok: here let me help you with that (Marissa looks at Volchok then down then back at him, she looks a little scared. Volchok looks at her and then down, Marissa looks down as well and we see a close up of Volchok unscrewing the vial and then putting the stick spoon thing inside (sorry don't know the pc term,lol). Marissa watches as he pulls it out and holds it up to her. Volchok looks at her, Marissa looks at him and then down at the cocaine, she looks back at Volchok for a split second and it seems as though she's hesitant, she looks down then at Volchok again and then finally leans forward. Volchok smiles, the next thing we see is Marissa bring her head back up and hold her nose, we also hear a sniff. Marissa frowns and rubs the outside of her nose, Volchok looks at her almost proudly. Marissa frowns at him and rubs underneath her nose, she looks as though she's about to cry, aww) - Fade out

Plan: A: their engagement; Q: What do Julie and Neil tell their daughters about? A: Marissa; Q: Who distances herself from Summer? A: Ryan; Q: Who tries to move on with his relationship with Sadie? A: Kirsten; Q: Who has a night out with Seth? A: Matt's mishaps; Q: What does Sandy have to deal with at the Newport Group? Summary: Julie and Neil tell their daughters about their engagement; however, Marissa distances herself from Summer when she gets closer to Volchok. Ryan tries to move on with his relationship with Sadie. Meanwhile, Kirsten and Seth have a night out. At the Newport Group, Sandy has to deal with Matt's mishaps.

2.15 - Lost and Found OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW [Lorelai and Rory are walking toward Luke's] LORELAI: It still hurts. RORY: Do you need stitches? LORELAI: Probably. RORY: Well, then we should go to a doctor. LORELAI: No, no doctors. You go into a hospital, you don't come out again. RORY: Well said, Ida Morgenstern. LORELAI: I'm starving. I need pancakes. RORY: Can I just ask – . LORELAI: No. RORY: What on earth you thought you were doing? LORELAI: I thought I was being a self-sufficient woman. RORY: You hate ladders, you hate heights. LORELAI: We needed our rain gutters cleaned. RORY: Yeah, well, hire somebody. LORELAI: Oh, well, aren't we suddenly a Rockefeller. RORY: Well, it's better than you killing yourself. LORELAI: Oh, I'm fine. I'm just being dramatic. It's what I do. RORY: No more ladders. LORELAI: I promise. RORY: Okay. LORELAI: I think I have gangrene. RORY: You do not. LORELAI: And vertigo. RORY: Oh boy. LORELAI: And one leg suddenly feels shorter than the other. RORY: This is gonna be the Vanity Fair paper cut incident all over again, isn't it? LORELAI: Wow! RORY: Leave your bandage alone. LORELAI: Look, it's turning purple, but a really glowy purple. Look! RORY: No, thanks. LORELAI: Hm. Maybe our rain gutters are radioactive or made out of some kind of alien metal so that when I cut my hand I got infected with an extraterrestrial substance which is altering my internal makeup. Ugh, maybe I'll turn into a superhero. RORY: Maybe. LORELAI: Like, maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and suddenly be able to shower really fast. RORY: We'll go pick out your cape after breakfast. CUT TO INSIDE LUKE'S [Lorelai and Rory are sitting at a table] LORELAI: God, I'm starving. Must be from the loss of blood. RORY: Yes, that must be it. LORELAI: I'm getting pancakes with a side of pancakes. Where's Luke? RORY: I don't know. Storage room? LORELAI: Oh no. RORY: Caesar's cooking. LORELAI: Why is Caesar cooking? RORY: I don't know. LORELAI: That's bad. RORY: His pancakes stink. LORELAI: They do stink. RORY: Well, what do we do? Resort to doughnuts. LORELAI: Wait here. [Lorelai walks over to the stairway to Luke's apartment] CUT TO UPSTAIRS [Lorelai knocks on Luke's apartment door] LORELAI: Hey Luke, are you in there? LUKE: Ow! LORELAI: Luke, are you okay? LUKE: Stupid box! Stupid lamp! LORELAI: Hey Luke, are you being attacked by your possessions again? [Luke opens the door] LORELAI: Hi. LUKE: Hi. LORELAI: Whatcha doing? LUKE: I'm looking for my supply ledger. LORELAI: Is it going well? LUKE: It's going fine. LORELAI: You have a sock on your shoulder. Is it helping you look? LUKE: What are you doing up here? LORELAI: Rory and I are starving. We need you to cook us breakfast. [she walks into the apartment] Oh my God. LUKE: Caesar can make you breakfast. LORELAI: What happened to this place? LUKE: Nothing. LORELAI: This is what I always pictured the inside of my head to look like. LUKE: See if you can find a brown leather ledger. LORELAI: I've never seen so much stuff. It looks like a white trash Hearst Castle in here. LUKE: On second thought, I'll find it myself. LORELAI: Where'd all this come from? LUKE: Jess. Liz shipped the rest of his stuff last week. He finally unpacked. LORELAI: Well, he did a very nice job. LUKE: I know it's crazy now, but I just have to get it all organized, figure out where to put everything, buy another dresser, a portable wardrobe, some storage bins. LORELAI: Can of gasoline, box of matches. LUKE: Did I mention that Caesar can cook you breakfast? LORELAI: But he doesn't make the good fluffy pancakes like you do. LUKE: Then order eggs. LORELAI: No! See, I had a near death experience today. LUKE: Really? LORELAI: Yes. I almost fell off the roof of my house trying to clean the rain gutters, so I have to have pancakes. Please? I'll help you shower when I become a superhero. [Jess walks out of the bathroom] LUKE: You've been in there for two hours. JESS: Yeah, well my hair just ain't bouncin' and behavin' today. LUKE: There are other people living here too, you know. JESS: Huh, learn something new everyday. [leaves] LORELAI: Well, his people skills are really improving. LUKE: Go downstairs. I'll be there as soon as I can. LORELAI: How long is that? LUKE: I don't know. LORELAI: An estimate. LUKE: I don't know. LORELAI: Ballpark figure. LUKE: I - . LORELAI: Off the top of your head. LUKE: Will you – LORELAI: Did I mention that I almost fell off my roof today? LUKE: I'd lie down if I could find the bed. [Lorelai sees the supply ledger and picks it up] LORELAI: Oh, is this what you're looking for? LUKE: Yes, great, thank you. LORELAI: Not unless you make me the pancakes. LUKE: Give me the book. LORELAI: Give me the pancake! LUKE: Come on. LORELAI: Thank you. LUKE: You sure you weren't almost pushed off the roof of your house today? CUT TO OUTSIDE [That night, Lorelai and Rory are walking down the street] LORELAI: Well, I think I'm finally ready to get a tattoo. RORY: Oh please. LORELAI: I am. RORY: You've been saying that for the last five years. LORELAI: I know, but I mean it this time. RORY: Fine, what are you getting? LORELAI: Mel Brooks. RORY: Why? LORELAI: What do you mean, why? The Two Thousand Year Old Man, Young Frankenstein, Silent Movie – you don't think Mel has earned the right to have his face on my butt? RORY: I am so sorry, Mel. LORELAI: Oh, he'll love it, trust me. So, rocky road hot fudge sundaes and two cans of whipped cream to go with the movies? RORY: Trying to give Mel a bigger canvas to work with? LORELAI: Hey, the man's a legend, he deserves the best. [As they pass the diner, Lorelai notices Luke inside sitting at a table] LORELAI: Hey. RORY: What? LORELAI: Luke. RORY: What's he doing? LORELAI: I'm not sure. Hey, will you go get the ice cream and make sure they give us a ton of maraschino cherries? RORY: Okay. LORELAI: Thanks. CUT TO INSIDE LUKE'S [Luke is sitting at a table watching a very small television set as Lorelai knocks on the door] LORELAI: Hey LUKE: Hey, what are you doing? LORELAI: Oh, uh, Rory and I just hit the video store. Now we're on our way home to eat a large amount of something you would not approve of. LUKE: Sounds good. LORELAI: What are you doing? LUKE: Oh, watching TV. LORELAI: Ah. Wow, that's cute. Is this the first time it's been away from its mother? LUKE: It's a very good TV. LORELAI: Hm, black and white, coat hanger antenna, really bad reception. LUKE: It's fine. LORELAI: Don't you have a fully grown TV upstairs? LUKE: Yeah, well, Jess is upstairs. LORELAI: So? LUKE: So when Jess is upstairs, that means the stereo's blaring and the place is a mess. I just needed a little privacy. LORELAI: So you came downstairs. LUKE: Yes. LORELAI: To sit on an uncomfortable chair in an empty diner that smells like onion rings. LUKE: Yes. LORELAI: Calgon, take me away. LUKE: It was very peaceful until two minutes ago. LORELAI: Hey Luke, do you ever think that, uh, maybe you should get a bigger apartment? LUKE: I don't need a bigger apartment. LORELAI: That place upstairs was your father's office. You turned it into an apartment. It was never meant to be lived in. LUKE: It's fine. LORELAI: It's too small for two people. It's too small for one person if they have any kind of life. LUKE: We'll make due, we just need to organize. LORELAI: No, you don't need to organize. You need to move. LUKE: I like my apartment. LORELAI: It's not just your apartment. Jess lives there also. LUKE: Jess is fine. LORELAI: Are you sure? Because he could be pinned down under a box for a year in that place and you wouldn't know it until the neighbors started to complain about the smell. [Rory walks in] RORY: Hey Luke. LUKE: Rory, perfect, get her out of here. Go. LORELAI: But, uh, okay, fine. I'm leaving. Think about what I said. LUKE: Oh, hey, did you ever hire anybody to do that work for you? LORELAI: What? LUKE: The rain gutters. LORELAI: Oh, no, not yet. Are you offering? LUKE: No, actually, I was thinking about Jess. LORELAI: Uh, Jess? LUKE: Yeah, he's always looking for a little extra cash. He doesn't make that much here, and, you know, I hate to think of where else he might try to get it, so LORELAI: Huh. LUKE: I mean, you don't have to pay him the same as would someone else, and you save a little, he keeps busy. LORELAI: Yeah, well, maybe. Um, I actually have to check with a couple of people I'm supposed to hear from, but if they can't do it, then sure. LUKE: Great, just let me know. LORELAI: I will. Bye. CUT TO OUTSIDE [Lorelai and Rory walk out of the diner] RORY: So who are all these people you asked to clean out our gutters? LORELAI: Oh, well, you know. RORY: I do? LORELAI: Sh-yeah. RORY: Remind me. LORELAI: Okay, well, there's Sid. RORY: Oh, Sid, right. LORELAI: And then there's Lou. RORY: Yeah, a good man, Lou. LORELAI: Oh, and also Moose. That is, if Doris will let him out of the house again, you know, after that incident at Chicky's bachelor party. RORY: I thought you said you were gonna give Jess a chance. LORELAI: I am. RORY: Then why don't you hire him? LORELAI: I'm just not very comfortable with him, Rory. RORY: Well, try and get comfortable. LORELAI: Well, I don't know if I can. RORY: But you said - . LORELAI: I know what I said, but I can't help it. RORY: How many times do I have to tell you – . LORELAI: That I don't know the real Jess? RORY: You don't. LORELAI: Well, fine, I don't know him, but I'm not too fond of his stand in. RORY: People are different once you get to know them. If you'll remember, you weren't too fond of Luke when you first met him. LORELAI: That's not true. RORY: You called him Duke for two years just to make him mad. LORELAI: And let me tell you, it worked. RORY: But then you guys talked and eventually, time went by, and now you love him. LORELAI: Well. . . RORY: I'm just asking you to give Jess that same chance. LORELAI: Rory, you like him. I don't have to like him. RORY: Please? LORELAI: Can I at least call him Tess for a little while? RORY: You'll give him the job? LORELAI: I'll give him the job. RORY: Thank you. LORELAI: You're welcome. Tell me something. RORY: What? LORELAI: Why is it so important to you that I like him? RORY: Well, I just think that he's Luke's nephew and we like Luke and we eat at Luke's everyday, and we see Jess when we eat there everyday, and that it just might make things nicer if you liked him. LORELAI: And that's the only reason? RORY: Yes. LORELAI: It's all about Luke and the diner? RORY: Yes. LORELAI: It has nothing to do with you? RORY: No. LORELAI: So you and Jess aren't friends? RORY: Well, yeah, we're friends. LORELAI: Uh huh. RORY: I mean, we're not good friends but we're friends. We're friendly. But that doesn't mean that we're friends in the traditional Webster's dictionary definition of friends. LORELAI: Right. RORY: Friendish might be a better term. LORELAI: Okay, friendish. Got it. [They pass by a group of walkers that Miss Patty is instructing from a golf cart.] MISS PATTY: And walk, and walk, and pump your arms and walk. And shoulders back, tucus in, think about that double chin and walk and walk and walk and tummies tight and walk. Match me sweetheart. CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT [Luke walks in, Jess is asleep, music is blaring.] LUKE: Jess? [Luke turns the music off] How can anyone sleep through that? It's like the Huns are attacking and you're just – well, you're oblivious and that's why you can just lie there while the rest of the world is going - . [he knocks over his little television] Great! Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! JESS: Whoa, geez, what the hell? LUKE: I can't stand it, I'm going crazy. This place is awful. I can't live like this anymore. JESS: Just relax. LUKE: I can't relax. I can't sleep. I'm having nightmares about being chased around by boxes with arms and they tackle me and pile clothing on top of my face and secure it around my head with packing tape and I'm just lying there choking while you're sitting in the corner laughing, putting gel in your hair with a switchblade! JESS: Should I be putting a tongue depressor in your mouth right about now? LUKE: We're moving. JESS: What? LUKE: Tomorrow. JESS: What are you talking about? LUKE: I'm talking about you and me going out, getting a paper, and finding a new place to live. JESS: But I – . LUKE: No buts. Ten o'clock tomorrow morning I want you up, washed, moussed, and ready to leave, end of story. Now go back to bed. What? JESS: I need the music on to sleep. CUT TO OUTSIDE [The next day, Luke and Jess walk out of an apartment building] JESS: Forget it. LUKE: Why, what was wrong with that one? JESS: It was pink. LUKE: We can paint it. JESS: You mean I can paint it. LUKE: We can paint it together. JESS: Great, then we can hold hands and skip afterwards. LUKE: Fine, which one do you like? JESS: The one before. LUKE: The one with the two fridges? JESS: No. LUKE: Well, the one before was the one with two fridges. JESS: No, the one we saw before was the one with the cat. LUKE: I hate cats. JESS: Well, I don't think the cat came with the place. LUKE: Yeah, but it had carpeting which means it's always gonna smell like a cat. JESS: Clean the carpet. LUKE: Paint the pink. JESS: Fine, the one next to the bank. LUKE: Too many windows. JESS: What? LUKE: Six windows all on one side, three o'clock in the afternoon – we're sitting in an oven. JESS: So we get curtains. LUKE: Well, you'll have to help me put them up. JESS: Great, then we can hold hands and skip afterwards. LUKE: Stop saying that. JESS: You know what, I don't care. Pick whichever one you want. LUKE: I'm not picking by myself. JESS: You're the one who wants to move. LUKE: Oh, so you like living the way we do? JESS: Fine by me. LUKE: No space, no privacy. JESS: I got plenty of privacy. LUKE: Yeah, because I'm sitting downstairs in the dark watching a two-inch V. JESS: Hey, you're the one with the problem, you make the choice. LUKE: Jess, come on. JESS: I have to go. LUKE: We got three more places to look at. JESS: I'm supposed to be at Lorelai's in twenty minutes, remember? LUKE: Oh, yeah. JESS: I mean, if you want me to bail on her, fine. LUKE: Nah, you go. I'll look at the places all alone. JESS: Great idea. LUKE: I'll take some Polaroids and you can take a look at them later. JESS: Take a Polaroid, paint a still picture, whatever you want. LUKE: Jess, come on. JESS: Hey, nobody asked me if I wanted to move to Stars Hollow, but I'm here. Pick whatever place you want and I'll be there too. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai is sitting on the couch as Rory walks through the front door] RORY: Mom? LORELAI: Come here, come here, come here. RORY: I'm here, what's the matter? LORELAI: Sit, sit, sit. Okay, that should do it. RORY: Do what? LORELAI: Wait. RORY: What are we waiting for? LORELAI: Patience, grasshopper. RORY: Are we close? LORELAI: Very close. Hm, getting closer. RORY: Should I get chips? LORELAI: Ready, and – . [They stare at a digital clock. When it changes, the clock starts making pig noises.] RORY: The clock is grunting. LORELAI: This, my friend, is a state of the art CD/clock radio that enables you to wake up to the barnyard animal of your choice. RORY: That is great. LORELAI: I have selected the perky piggies. You might choose the cheery chickens or the goofy goats. RORY: That is closest to a farm that I ever wanna get. LORELAI: Amen, sister friend. [There's a knock at the front door] RORY: I'll get it. [answers the door] Hey. JESS: Here. [tosses her a CD] RORY: The Shaggs? JESS: Trust me RORY: Okay. So you're very punctual. JESS: Yeah, well, it was this or continue apartment hunting with Luke. RORY: You're moving? JESS: I don't know. Luke flipped out last night and next thing I know, he's dragging me all over town banging on pipes and measuring square footage. It's crazy. RORY: A new place might be nice. More space, maybe you'll get your own room. JESS: You change your hair? RORY: What? JESS: Your hair looks different. RORY: So, segue's not your thing, huh? JESS: Is it? RORY: Well, um, no, I wear it like this a lot. Why? JESS: Just looks different. RORY: Oh, bad different? LORELAI: [from living room] Hey, ducks! RORY: We just got a new alarm clock. JESS: Huh. Bet I know what the lead story in the Stars Hollow Gazette's gonna be tomorrow. [Lorelai walks to the front door] LORELAI: Hey, did you hear the ducks ‘cause they're great. Oh Jess, you're here, terrific. RORY: So, um, would you like to come in? LORELAI: Oh, yeah, come on in. Sorry, it's just. . .so excited about the ducks that, uh. . .do you want something to drink? You have good timing ‘cause we shopped yesterday, and in addition to a case of Maybelline Fresh Lash Mascara, I also bought some of that new, uh, freaky Coke with the lemon in it. It's very addictive. RORY: You can sit, you know. JESS: No thanks. LORELAI: So, Jess, what's new? JESS: Not much. RORY: Jess and Luke are looking for an apartment. LORELAI: Oh, you guys see anything good yet? JESS: Nope. LORELAI: Well, you know, there's some really cool places over on Peach. Or on Plum. Hm, Orange. Basically, any of your fruit named streets are pretty nice. Okay, well, I guess you should get started. Um, there's a ladder right out front and some buckets and gloves and stuff on the porch. You need anything else, just walk against the wind. RORY: Come on, I'll show you. [Jess walks out the door] LORELAI: I'm trying. RORY: Well, keep it up. CUT TO OUTSIDE [Rory walks out of the house and over to Jess] RORY: Question. JESS: Yes? RORY: You come over. You seem to have a very firm grasp of the English language. You put together several full sentences, even using a couple of words that contain two or more syllables, and then my mother appears and suddenly we need a thought bubble over your head to understand what you're thinking. Can you tell me why that is? JESS: The verbal thing comes and goes. RORY: I would really appreciate it if you would try to get along with my mom. JESS: I took the Coke. RORY: I know. JESS: Personally, I think it's a little crazy to put lemon in Coke but I took it anyhow. RORY: Stop it. JESS: Ooh, stern face. RORY: Look, I went out on a limb for you trying to get my mom to give you the benefit of the doubt, okay? So I don't think it would hurt you to try to be nice. JESS: Why? RORY: Why? JESS: Yeah, why? RORY: Because she's my mom and she's a friend of Luke's. JESS: So? RORY: What do you mean, so? JESS: So just because she's your mom or Luke's friend doesn't mean that I automatically have to get along with her. RORY: Jess, my mother is a great person. She's also my best friend in the world, so if you care about me at all, you will take that into consideration and you will be mildly polite to her. JESS: What makes you think I care about you? RORY: I don't mean care care, like care. I mean if you like me at all. . . not like like. I just meant that if. . . if you think of me remotely as the sort of person that you could occasionally stand to talk to then you will try to get along with my mom, that's all. JESS: Okay. RORY: Okay? JESS: I can't guarantee that it'll work, but I'll try. RORY: Thank you. JESS: You're welcome. I should probably get to work. RORY: Right. Sorry, go ahead. CUT TO FRONT OF STARS HOLLOW LIBRARY [Several tables and racks of books are set up for the Buy a Book Fundraiser. Dean is sitting on the steps of the library as Rory walks over with some books.] RORY: Inherit the Wind, seventy-five cents. DEAN: Great. RORY: Now, here's a copy of Rilke's Letters to a Young Poet – which I already have, but in hardback. This is a paperback – fits perfectly in a coat pocket and it's only a dollar. I'm torn. Opinions? DEAN: Get it. RORY: You look bored. DEAN: I'm fine. RORY: You sure you don't wanna look around? They have great stuff here. DEAN: I looked. RORY: For five minutes. DEAN: No, I looked for twenty minutes and then I stopped and you continued for another two hours. RORY: It has not been that long. Oh, sorry. DEAN: No big deal. RORY: Let's go. DEAN: Are you done? RORY: Yup, I've looked enough. DEAN: You're not done. RORY: No, I'm fine, really. Let's go. DEAN: Rory, stop it. You wanna keep looking, I know you. RORY: No, I wanna hang out with you. DEAN: Are you sure? RORY: Yes, I'll just pay for these and then we can go. DEAN: I thought maybe we can go see The Lord of the Rings again. RORY: Oh, okay. DEAN: What? RORY: Nothing. DEAN: Well, I thought you loved The Lord of the Rings. RORY: I do. DEAN: You said you wanted to see it a hundred times. RORY: Yes, and apparently we're being very literal these days. DEAN: Fine, we'll see something else. RORY: Lord of the Rings is fine. Can you help me with these? [They walk to the cash register] KIRK: I'll give you fifty-five cents. GYPSY: It's sixty-five. KIRK: Fifty-five cents. GYPSY: Kirk, it's for charity. There's no haggling. KIRK: Oh no, there's always haggling. Sixty cents. GYPSY: No. KIRK: That's my final offer. GYPSY: I'm sorry, I can't. KIRK: Fine. GYPSY: Kirk, come on. KIRK: No. GYPSY: Cough up another nickel. KIRK: Forget it – it's the principal of the thing. [walks away] GYPSY: Wow, you made out like a bandit. RORY: Well, you've got great stuff this year. GYPSY: Hey, did you see the astronomy section over there? RORY: Oh, yeah. GYPSY: Didn't find anything? RORY: Nope. DEAN: Wait, I didn't see you look over there. RORY: Well, I did. DEAN: Go look. RORY: I told you I'm done. DEAN: Hey, where. . . where's your bracelet? RORY: What? DEAN: You're not wearing your bracelet. RORY: Oh. DEAN: Where is it? RORY: I took it off. DEAN: Why? RORY: Well, because I got this weird rash on my wrist. DEAN: From the bracelet? RORY: Oh no, just a fluke thing. Actually, I think my Spanish midterm gave it to me. DEAN: Oh. RORY: But it's getting better – it's almost gone. DEAN: Well, good. RORY: And as soon as it's completely gone, that bracelet goes right back on. DEAN: So, uh, compromise. RORY: What? DEAN: You go look at the astronomy section, we'll go see Lord of the Rings, and on the way home we'll rent Autumn in New York and mock it for the rest of the afternoon. RORY: With full-on impressions? DEAN: With full-on impressions. RORY: Deal. DEAN: Go, I'll wait here. Smiling, not at all bored. KIRK: Sixty-two cents. GYPSY: Get out of here Kirk. KIRK: Damn. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai walks into the kitchen, takes several containers of Chinese food out of the refrigerator, then walks outside.] LORELAI: Jess? Hey, Jess! JESS: Sorry, too loud? LORELAI: Oh, no, it's fine. Uh, it's just. . . I got a ton of leftover Chinese food in the kitchen. I thought you might like some lunch. JESS: No thanks. LORELAI: Okay. JESS: Chinese sounds great. LORELAI: Really? JESS: If you're sure you have enough. LORELAI: There's plenty. Rory and I decided to take on the entire chicken column last night. JESS: Ambitious. LORELAI: Well, it's all out on the table, so come in when you're ready. JESS: I'm ready now. LORELAI: Okay, then I'll see you inside. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO KITCHEN LORELAI: So, um, basically everything here is chicken. You've got garlic chicken, Kung Pao chicken, Szechuan Chicken, chicken in brown sauce, which looks and tastes remarkably like the Szechuan Chicken except it's got these red peppers in it and if you eat them, you die. Plate? JESS: I thought I'd, uh. . . LORELAI: Oh, soap's on the counter. JESS: So when was the last time you had those gutters cleaned? LORELAI: It's been awhile. JESS: Yeah, I found an ‘I like Ike' bumper sticker up there. LORELAI: Is it really bad? JESS: Well, it won't be by tomorrow. LORELAI: I like hearing that. JESS: So you guys aren't too hot on vegetables, huh? LORELAI: What are you talking about? There's green pepper in the Kung Pao. JESS: My mistake. LORELAI: So, are you a healthy eater like Luke? JESS: No. No one's a healthy eater like Luke. Yule Gibbons wasn't a healthy eater like Luke. LORELAI: Wow, it's been ages since I've heard a good Yule Gibbons reference. JESS: Many parts of a pine tree are edible. LORELAI: That's right. God, I wonder what the research process was like to get that information. JESS: I'd say fairly painful. LORELAI: Huh. Here. So how's school? JESS: It's still there. LORELAI: You on any teams or anything? JESS: No, no, no. LORELAI: Not a jersey guy? JESS: No, definitely not a jersey guy. Though the thought of throwing a ball at some jock's head isn't entirely unappealing. Look, I'm not really good at this small talk thing. LORELAI: You're doing okay. Cold egg roll? JESS: Why not? [takes a bite] LORELAI: Bad? JESS: Oh yeah. [the front door slams and Rory yells from off camera] RORY: Mom! LORELAI: Here – right here! What? RORY: Mom! [cut to front entryway; Rory is looking through all the coat pockets as Lorelai walks over] LORELAI: What's going on? RORY: I don't know where it is! LORELAI: Where what is? RORY: My bracelet – it's gone. LORELAI: What are you talking about? RORY: How could I do this? How could I lose that bracelet? [Rory starts looking in the living room] LORELAI: Honey, tell me which bracelet – maybe I stole it from you. RORY: Dean's bracelet. LORELAI: The one he made you? RORY: Yes. LORELAI: It's gone? RORY: Yes. LORELAI: Where? RORY: I don't know where. If I knew where then I would have it. LORELAI: Well, when did you first notice it was gone? RORY: When he pointed out that I wasn't wearing it. LORELAI: Oh, not good. What did you say? RORY: That I had a rash and that I had to take it off until it healed. LORELAI: Nice save, Gretzky. RORY: It's not here, it's not here. God. LORELAI: Okay, let's retrace your steps. When was the last time you remember wearing it? RORY: Um, I don't know. LORELAI: Think hard – yesterday? RORY: I don't know. LORELAI: The day before? RORY: I don't know. LORELAI: The day before that? RORY: Um, yeah. LORELAI: Really? RORY: No, I don't remember. I can't remember. Help me move the couch. LORELAI: What about your locker at school? RORY: I don't know why it would be there, I never take it off at school. I never take it off at all. LORELAI: Anything? RORY: Just Grandma's pen. LORELAI: Leave it there. RORY: Why? LORELAI: It makes life fun RORY: I'm gonna freak out now. LORELAI: We'll find it. RORY: I'm gonna have to tell Dean that I lost his bracelet. LORELAI: Let's not even go there yet. RORY: He made it for me. LORELAI: He'll make you another one. RORY: But he's gonna be mad. LORELAI: He'll understand. RORY: How do you know? LORELAI: I'm looking at the track record and all signs point to he'll understand. Did you look in your room? RORY: No. LORELAI: All right, I'll check the car. And don't worry – if worse comes to worse and we can't find it, we'll follow Dean to work, hide behind the cantaloupes, jump him, blind him and he'll never find out. RORY: As long as we have a plan. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [Michel is standing at the front desk; Lorelai is on the floor behind the desk] MICHEL: Who is Randy Mill? LORELAI: Ugh, let me see. Maintenance. MICHEL: Are you going to be down there long? LORELAI: Uh, I just wanna to make sure Rory's bracelet didn't get kicked back behind something. MICHEL: Hmm, and so earlier when you told me to look for the bracelet and I told you I did look and I did not find it, you LORELAI: Just decided to double check. MICHEL: Yes, though another theory is that you did not believe me. LORELAI: I did too. MICHEL: No, I believe you thought I was lying. That I did not actually get down on my hands and knees in a brand new Donna Karan suit and crawl around on a floor where people who have stepped in mud and garbage and animal waste have been traipsing all day long. LORELAI: It's not there. MICHEL: No? Why, I'm shocked. LORELAI: Okay, I'm sorry I doubted you, Michel. MICHEL: Well, that means a lot, thank you. LORELAI: We turned the house upside down. Rory's having a heart attack. It's just awful. MICHEL: Yes, well, as soon as my dry cleaning bill is paid for, you will have my sympathies. LORELAI: I will pay for your suit, Michel. MICHEL: Mm hmm. [phone rings] MICHEL: Independence Inn, Michel speaking. Hold on please. [to Lorelai] It's for you. LORELAI: Lorelai here. LUKE: I don't want a wood-burning fireplace. LORELAI: Luke? LUKE: But if I take an apartment with a wood-burning fireplace, even though I could give a rat's ass about a wood-burning fireplace, I have to pay an extra two hundred dollars a month for the wood-burning fireplace. LORELAI: Yeah, but - . LUKE: And three of the places make you put down a five hundred dollar deposit if you have a dog. Can you believe this? LORELAI: You don't have a dog. LUKE: I know, but it's wrong. LORELAI: Agreed. What else? LUKE: Parking. LORELAI: Ah. LUKE: How can people ask you for a monthly fee for a parking space? I mean, they're making money off your rent, off your utilities, when you use their coin-operated washer and dryer – that's cash directly in their pocket. And by the way, it's not even that good a parking space. It's out in the open under one of those trees that drops the sap on your car that eats away your paint. LORELAI: Luke? LUKE: Who's gonna pay for my car, huh? Where's my five hundred dollar, paint-killing tree sap deposit? LORELAI: You haven't found a place yet? LUKE: And I've been looking all day. LORELAI: There wasn't one place you liked? LUKE: No. LORELAI: Not one place that gave you a little feeling of, ‘Huh, well that has a nice vibe about it.' LUKE: I don't use the word vibe. LORELAI: Luke. LUKE: Maybe one place wasn't so bad. LORELAI: Oh good, describe it to me. LUKE: I don't know. It had walls with a kind of a floor with a light. LORELAI: Okay, hold on here, mister. If you tell me it's got a roof, I'm stealing that baby out from under you. LUKE: I just can't tell anymore. I need a second opinion. LORELAI: Do you want me to come look at your apartment? LUKE: It's not my apartment, and yes. LORELAI: Done. LUKE: Now. LORELAI: What? LUKE: Please? LORELAI: Uh, well -. LUKE: I promised the woman I'd give her an answer today. LORELAI: Okay, give me the address. LUKE: Sixty-two and a half B Street. And that's another thing – what's with this half business? Why do all these apartments have this half thing going? It's stupid. If sixty-two is taken, move on to sixty-three. LORELAI: Luke, I'll meet you there in twenty and a half minutes. LUKE: Thank you. LORELAI: Bye. [hangs up] Michel, I have to go out for a little while. Cover the desk for me. MICHEL: Mm hmm. LORELAI: What? MICHEL: Well, I mean, I'll say I'll cover the desk, but how will you know if I'm actually doing it? LORELAI: I trust you, Michel. MICHEL: I mean, it's just as possible I say I'll cover the desk, and the moment you've stepped away I'll put some fruit on my head and join a conga line somewhere. LORELAI: I believe you looked for the bracelet. MICHEL: And while I'm shaking it to the Miami Sound Machine, the phones here – they would ring and ring and ring, and no one to answer, no one to assist. LORELAI: Okay, bye Mom. CUT TO APARTMENT BUILDING [The real estate agent leads Luke and Lorelai through the apartment] MARY: It's a very quiet street and the owner keeps the building up beautifully. He hasn't remodeled it at all. Plus, I bet he could be persuaded to give the floor a little spruce if you like. LORELAI: Oh yeah, we'd like a spruce. LUKE: A spruce is unnecessary. LORELAI: Hey, you never turn down a spruce. MARY: She's right – listen to her. LORELAI: Yeah, listen to me. LUKE: You rarely give me a choice. LORELAI: Come here so I can lick your face. LUKE: What? MARY: Now, I went over the square footage and the details of the lease with your husband this morning. Did he fill you in? LUKE: What? Oh no, we're – . LORELAI: No, no, he didn't, but you know how men are. The minute that ball game comes on, all the realities of life just go right out the window. MARY: Don't I know it. LORELAI: I mean, I could answer the door wrapped in cellophane but unless I was wearing a Yankees cap. . .ugh, he wouldn't even notice. LUKE: Geez. LORELAI: Oh, don't be embarrassed Snuffy, I'm just teasing. It'd be a Mets cap. LUKE: Hey Mary, could you possibly leave me and little missus alone for just a minute? MARY: Why, of course. LORELAI: I promise we won't do anything dirty. MARY: Oh please, if my husband and I looked anything like the two of you, we'd never get dressed. LORELAI: Oh, you are bad! MARY: Let me just leave this rental agreement with you in case you decide to fill it out. LUKE: Thanks. MARY: Oh, I hope you take it. It's got a great vibe for a nice couple like you two. [leaves] LORELAI: Oh, thirteen different shades of red! LUKE: What is wrong with you? LORELAI: You make it too easy. LUKE: By standing here? LORELAI: Oh, relax Snuffy. Let's talk. What do you think? LUKE: She used the word vibe. LORELAI: About the apartment. LUKE: I don't know. LORELAI: Okay then, break it down. List your concerns. LUKE: Well, it's too big. LORELAI: It's not too big. Next. LUKE: I don't need two bathrooms. LORELAI: Yes, you do. Next. LUKE: I like being on the bottom floor. LORELAI: The top floor's quieter. Next. LUKE: You know, somehow I think this would be easier if you just listed your concerns first. LORELAI: Okay. Um. . .I don't have any. I think it's great. LUKE: You do? LORELAI: Yeah, it's light and airy. It's got good windows but not too many so that the sun bakes you in the afternoon. LUKE: Thank you. LORELAI: You're close to work, the price seems good, you're taking the spruce, and it's a two-year lease. What's two years? LUKE: I don't know. I - . LORELAI: Luke, you need to do this. You and Jess will kill each other if you stay in that place of yours. LUKE: Yeah, but who knows how long he's gonna be here. LORELAI: Why? Did something happen? LUKE: No, but you never know. LORELAI: No, you don't, but I think his mom sending his stuff is a pretty good sign. LUKE: And even if he does stay, it'll be only for another year, and then he'll go off to college or Attica or whatever, and it'll just be me again. LORELAI: Yeah, but - . LUKE: And stuck with a new apartment, probably with neighbors I hate who are constantly cooking really strong smelling food. LORELAI: Okay, back up here. Yes, Jess may go off somewhere someday, but that doesn't mean you will be alone forever. LUKE: I am not getting a pet. LORELAI: I'm talking about a lady friend. LUKE: Oh. LORELAI: A red-hot mama. LUKE: Okay. LORELAI: A big, pretty dish of lovin' with a spoon made especially for you. LUKE: Boy, do I not feel good now. LORELAI: Luke, Rachel's not the only woman in the world for you. You'll meet someone, someday -- probably at a Timberland store, you'll ask her out. You'll pick her up and take her on a patented Luke Danes night of romance -- juice bar followed by the batting cages -- and then you'll ask her back to your apartment. LUKE: Any amount of money if you stop right now. LORELAI: You'll bring her back to your place, lead her upstairs to the apartment door. You pause, gaze into her eyes – the stage is set, fate is waiting. You open the door, and she sees your teeny, tiny apartment – one room and no closet space and Jess' feet sticking up in the air ‘cause you never did get rid of that body! LUKE: Stop, please. LORELAI: And to make matters worse, she spots it: the single bed. LUKE: What's wrong with a single bed? LORELAI: You know what they say. LUKE: No, what do they say? LORELAI: Never, ever date a guy who owns a single bed. It means he's not open to a commitment. LUKE: What? LORELAI: It says there's no room in this life for anybody but me. LUKE: No, it says there's no room in this bed for anyone but me. LORELAI: Okay, see, that's not a whole lot better. LUKE: This discussion is now over. LORELAI: Luke, as long as you're in that apartment, you're gonna have a single bed. Don't you want the possibility of more? Come on Luke, it's time. Make a move, take a shot, entertain the possibility of a non-unabomber existence. What do you say? LUKE: You got a pen? I'm not taking the spruce. LORELAI: Yes, you are. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai arrives home and walks into the kitchen as Jess walks out of Rory's room] LORELAI: Hey. JESS: Hey. LORELAI: Did you get lost? JESS: No, I was looking at Rory's books. LORELAI: Uh huh. JESS: I wanted to see if she had Franny and Zooey. She does. LORELAI: Okay. JESS: I was gonna get it for her if she didn't. LORELAI: That's very nice of you. JESS: Yeah. Okay, so I should probably get back to work. LORELAI: Mm hmm. CUT TO DOOSE'S MARKET [Luke is shopping as Taylor walks up to him] TAYLOR: Luke, good good goody good good. I was just on my way over to the diner to talk to you. LUKE: Great. Go on over, I'll meet you there. TAYLOR: Oh, stop it, this isn't about anything that's gonna make you mad. I just have a couple of questions about your application. LUKE: What? TAYLOR: Your application. Now I called your bank - . LUKE: What application? TAYLOR: Your application for the apartment. Now you have two accounts here -. LUKE: How did you get my application? TAYLOR: Well, Mary gave it to me, of course. Now I'm assuming that one of those accounts -. LUKE: Why would Mary give you my application? TAYLOR: Because I own the building. LUKE: What? When the hell did you buy an apartment building? TAYLOR: Well, I bought this particular one about two months ago. LUKE: I look at a thousand apartments, I choose yours. How is that possible? TAYLOR: Well, count yourself lucky, you. With me as the owner, there is a level of quality control that is sorely lacking in this town. For example, at all my properties, we measure the grass before, during, and after mowing to attain a perfect inch and a half height, which is both pleasing to the eye and good for the grass. LUKE: All of your properties? TAYLOR: Ten in all. LUKE: Ten properties? What are you, buying up the town? TAYLOR: Not yet, but someday – who knows? LUKE: But why isn't anyone stopping you? TAYLOR: Because, my friend, people are lazy. They don't wanna think about the proper fabric for an awning or the correct historical color for a building. They just slap any old thing up on a wall and sleep like babies. But soon, hopefully, the city council will put an end to that. LUKE: Taylor, you cannot tell people what color to paint their buildings! TAYLOR: Well, someone has to. LUKE: No, they don't. We don't live in a fascist country. TAYLOR: Oh, this isn't about the fascists – who, by the way, had their faults but their parks were spotless. LUKE: I have to get out of here. [leaves] TAYLOR: Hey, eh, wait a minute. CUT TO OUTSIDE [Taylor follows Luke down the sidewalk] TAYLOR: Luke, hold it! I still need to talk to you. LUKE: Just tear up the application, Taylor. I'm not moving. TAYLOR: What? Why? LUKE: ‘Cause I'm the two-inch grass kind of guy. TAYLOR: Well, that's too bad but I need to talk to you about something else. LUKE: What? TAYLOR: I'm thinking about purchasing the flower shop next to the diner, but we need to talk about that sign of yours. LUKE: What about my sign? TAYLOR: Well, you have a diner but you never took down the Williams' Hardware sign. LUKE: That was my father's sign. TAYLOR: I understand that you have a sentimental attachment to the sign, but it confuses the tourists. LUKE: Back off the sign, Taylor. TAYLOR: If I buy the building next to that sign, I run the risk of people being so busy trying to figure out if you sell hammers or burgers, that they never notice the nice collectible plate store right next door. LUKE: Collectible plates? TAYLOR: Isn't that a great idea? Elvis, The Beatles, Mary Poppins, all the greats. You can hang them on the wall or you buy a little stand and set them up on the coffee table. LUKE: Okay, you need to get away from me now. At least a good arm swinging length away. TAYLOR: It's people like you who keep this town from becoming one of great towns in America, Luke. LUKE: Arm swinging length! TAYLOR: I wouldn't have approved your application anyway. CUT TO OUTSIDE LORELAI'S HOUSE [Jess climbs down the ladder as Rory comes home and sits on the porch] JESS: You look good. RORY: I'm fine. JESS: Talk. RORY: I lost my bracelet. JESS: Uh huh. RORY: Dean gave it to me. JESS: How thoughtful. RORY: I've been all over town looking for it. I've been to Lane's, I've been to Luke's, I've been to the bus stop, I've been to Miss Patty's, and I've circled Stars Hollow twice and nothing. I have no idea what I'm going to do. JESS: It's really that big a deal? RORY: What do you mean? JESS: I mean, I know it's got an ‘I've been pinned' Bye, Bye, Birdie kind of implication to it, but it was just a bracelet. RORY: I don't think Dean will see it that way. JESS: You didn't lose it on purpose. RORY: I know, but things have been a little weird between us lately and. . .you couldn't care less. JESS: Oh, yes, I could. RORY: I just think Dean will read something into this. JESS: Should he? RORY: No. JESS: I think you should keep looking. RORY: Where? JESS: Anywhere. Things you lose are usually right in front of your face. Check the house again. RORY: I've checked the house. JESS: It's probably just laying in your room somewhere. RORY: No, I tore that room apart, it's not there. JESS: Fine, give up then. No biggie. Dean'll just have to get over it. RORY: I'll go look again. JESS: You do that. CUT TO INSIDE [Lorelai is sitting on the couch reading as Rory walks in] LORELAI: Hey, where have you been? RORY: Scouring the town. LORELAI: Nothing, huh? RORY: Not yet. I'm gonna check my room again. [goes into room] LORELAI: Haven't you already looked in there like a thousand times. RORY: [from bedroom] A thousand and one. Mom, come here, hurry! LORELAI: Rory? RORY: Mom! LORELAI: Are you okay? [cut to Rory's bedroom] RORY: I found it! LORELAI: What? RORY: I looked under the bed and there it was. I thought I had already looked under the bed, but I don't know, maybe I was too panicked or. . .I don't know, who cares, I got it! LORELAI: Aw, that is amazing! RORY: Put it on. LORELAI: Hmm. RORY: Make it tight. LORELAI: Oh, I'm cutting off circulation here, baby. RORY: Oh, look at it. It looks even better than before, doesn't it? LORELAI: I think the time away from home did it some good. RORY: Okay, when I get back, we celebrate. LORELAI: Where are you going? RORY: To tell Lane she can stop praying. CUT TO OUTSIDE [Lorelai walks out as Jess is getting ready to leave] LORELAI: You leaving? JESS: Yeah, all done. LORELAI: You weren't gonna come get your money? JESS: Ah, I figured I'd get it eventually. It's not like I don't know where you guys live. LORELAI: That's true. You certainly do know where we live. Well here. After all, you earned it. JESS: Thanks. LORELAI: You took it, didn't you? JESS: Excuse me. LORELAI: Rory's bracelet – you had it the whole time. JESS: No idea what you're talking about. LORELAI: How'd you get it? JESS: I didn't get anything. LORELAI: What, did you break into our house, you got all dressed in black and pulled a Mission: Impossible? JESS: Actually, I came down the chimney and pulled a Santa Claus. LORELAI: Very funny. JESS: Thought a ridiculous accusation deserved a ridiculous response. LORELAI: So it's just a great big ol' coincidence that I catch you coming out of Rory's room a half an hour before she mysteriously finds the bracelet under her bed? JESS: Guess so. LORELAI: Why would you do this? JESS: I gotta go. LORELAI: I mean, I know you hate the world, but I thought you liked Rory. JESS: I didn't do anything. LORELAI: Bull. JESS: Whatever. LORELAI: Oh, don't whatever me, you little jerk. You let Rory run around completely panicked, thinking she lost her boyfriend's bracelet. She was miserable, do you understand that? JESS: I didn't take it. LORELAI: I'm sure you're jealous of Dean because he's great and Rory's madly in love with him, but you taking the bracelet didn't hurt Dean, it hurt Rory. That bracelet is the most precious thing she owns. She never takes it off. It means everything to her. And you stealing it was unbelievably cruel. JESS: The most precious thing she owns? LORELAI: Yes. JESS: If it's the most precious thing she owns, why did it take her two weeks to figure out it was gone, huh? You might wanna reevaluate how madly in love she is. I wouldn't start calling him son yet. LORELAI: Get outta here. JESS: You read my mind. CUT TO INSIDE LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai walks in and sits down on the couch. There's a knock on the front door, Lorelai answers it] LUKE: I just spent a hundred thousand dollars and it's all your fault! LORELAI: Oh, good. [They walk into the kitchen] LUKE: I ran into Taylor at the market, and I found out he owns the building that apartment was in. LORELAI: No way. LUKE: That and several others all over town. LORELAI: That is so weird. LUKE: He's systematically buying up the town. He's gonna turn it into Taylorville where everyone'll wear cardigans and have the same grass height. LORELAI: Luke, do you wanna sit down? LUKE: And then he told me he's gonna buy the building next to the diner, turn it into a plate shop for freaks who don't have enough brain power to collect stamps. I lost it. LORELAI: Uh, I can't picture that. LUKE: I walked around in a blind rage. I was crazy. I bought one of those Belgian waffles with the ice cream dipped in chocolate. LORELAI: You ate that? LUKE: No, I didn't eat it! LORELAI: Of course not. LUKE: I'm upset, not suicidal. LORELAI: Right. LUKE: I knew I just had to do something, and I had your voice going round and round in my head. LORELAI: Yeah, it's kinda like the Small World song. LUKE: Take a chance, Luke. Make a move, Luke. Can't have a single bed, Luke. So I bought the building! LORELAI: You – you what? LUKE: I went to the bank and got a cashier's check, signed the papers and I bought the building. LORELAI: Wow LUKE: I am the building's owner. LORELAI: I heard. LUKE: I own the building. LORELAI: Okay, well, don't worry, maybe you can still get out of it. You can go back and tell them you lost your mind. LUKE: Okay. LORELAI: Or I bet you can sell it to Taylor. LUKE: Yeah. LORELAI: So, relax, you can still get out of this. LUKE: Okay. LORELAI: Unless you don't wanna get out of it. LUKE: Oh no, I wanna get out of this. Uh, why would I not wanna get out of this? LORELAI: Oh, well, owning that building gives you some options. LUKE: Like? LORELAI: Uh, like you could expand Luke's if you wanted to. LUKE: Yah. LORELAI: Or you could rent it to someone else. LUKE: Yah. LORELAI: Someone else who might drive Taylor crazy. LUKE: Maybe I should think about this. LORELAI: Sure, sleep on it. LUKE: Sleep on it, right, right. LORELAI: You want some tea? LUKE: Tea's good, sure. LORELAI: Hey Luke, um, does Jess ever talk to you about Rory? LUKE: Uh, what do you mean? LORELAI: I don't know. They just. . .they seem to be thrown together quite a lot lately and I was just trying to figure out if that's a coincidence or - . LUKE: Or if there's something going on. LORELAI: Yeah. LUKE: I don't know. LORELAI: Huh. LUKE: Jess doesn't exactly confide in me. LORELAI: Right. LUKE: Of course, if there was something going on, I think that'd be really great. LORELAI: You do? LUKE: Yeah. Rory's a great kid, she'd be really good for Jess. LORELAI: Oh, yeah, she would. LUKE: You really think there might be something going on? LORELAI: I don't know LUKE: Boy, that would be great. LORELAI: Yeah, great. CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT [Jess is reading and listening to music as Luke walks in and takes a sledgehammer out of the closet. He walks across the room and swings the sledgehammer through the wall, then hands it to Jess.] LUKE: That's your room. Finish up. We'll hold hands and skip afterwards.

Plan: A: Rory; Q: Who embarks on a campaign to improve Lorelai's relationship with Jess? A: their gutters; Q: What does Jess want to clean out? A: Luke; Q: Who is annoyed by his cramped living quarters? A: the help; Q: What does Luke get from Lorelai? A: a great place; Q: What does Luke find? A: an excuse; Q: What does Rory make up when Dean asks about the bracelet? A: panic mode; Q: What does Rory flip into when she can't find the bracelet? Summary: Rory embarks upon a campaign to improve Lorelai's relationship with Jess, and convinces her to let him clean out their gutters so he can make some extra money. Luke, annoyed by his cramped living quarters, goes apartment hunting. With the help of Lorelai, Luke is able to find a great place, but is shocked when he finds out who owns the building. Meanwhile, Dean notices that Rory isn't wearing the bracelet that he made for her. Rory makes up an excuse, but later flips into panic mode when she can't find the bracelet.

[Scene: The School Hallway by the stairs. Joey is painting her mural on the wall, during the after school hours. Pacey comes up to see her painting.] Joey: I don't recall requesting the pleasure of your company, Pacey. Pacey: Rag? Joey: Brush. Pacey: You know, after Van Go chopped off his own ear. There was a rash of copycat mutilations among his students Joey: Your point being... Pacey: Well, my point being that the whole world reveres the artists, envies their talent, wants to be just like them. I'm hoping some of your genius will rub off on me. Joey: You got kicked out of your house again. Pacey: Well not exactly kicked out. It was more like they're filming a lifetime original movie in my living room right now. Joey: And which one of the Witter sisters is in complete distress right now? Pacey: That would be numero uno. Left the sergeant major for conduct unbecoming, fled back to whole home front and, brought along my screaming nieces. Joey: So I finally get my own room, and you have been exiled to sofa city. Ouch. Pacey: My sentiments exactly Joey: So, uh... So, what do you think? Pacey: Oh, is it done? Joey: Yes, it's done. Pacey: I thought that Principal Green had commissioned you guys to do murals exemplifying school spirit and unity. Joey: They did. Pacey: Well...No offense, but this looks like something you'd find tattooed on Kwai Chang Caine's forehead. Joey: You don't like it. Pacey: I didn't say I didn't like it I'm... Pretty sure the rest of the murals, will be a little more traditional but— Joey: What, like football players and lighthouses? And what do they actually say about the high school experience? Pacey: Jo, this is the U.S. of A. We're a very prosaic nation, and when we have art in public places we want it to be about as subtle as Godzilla. Joey: Yeah, but, Pacey, don 't you think that art can have this power? I mean, it can bring people together. Pacey: Oh yeah, absolutely. In museum, the thinking man's pickup joint. Joey: That's what I like about you Pacey. You just Go so deep. Pacey: Thanks. [Scene: The school Hallway, by Joey's mural. The mural is covered up by a sheet that is taped to the wall, to prevent anyone from seeing it. Dawson comes up to it, and it trying to sneak a peek at it. Joey sees him trying this.] Joey: No peeking. Dawson: What, I don't get a preview? Joey: No. Dawson: Why not? Pacey did. Joey: Dawson the unveiling is a crucial part to any new work, and...I want you to have the whole experience. He didn't tell you what it is, did he? Dawson: No. He didn't. But he said it was great. Joey: That means a lot, coming from the world's most discriminating art critic. Dawson: He . Well, he... He knows what he likes. Joey: On, Pacey's prized possession is a black velvet painting of the baby Elvis. Dawson: So how's your speech coming? Joey: I don't know why I have to say anything. I mean, isn't an artist just supposed to let her work speak for itself? Dawson: Yeah, but when the PTA and the school board let you paint something in the hallway of a public school, they expect a little poignant ceremonial in return. Joey: So are you going to be there? Dawson: Of course! I mean, if you want me to. Joey: I want you to. Ok, and whatever you think, be honest with me, even if you hate it-- Dawson: Even if I Hate it? What makes you think I'm gonna hate it Thing is. Joey: It's just... Dawson: The stepping out from behind the curtains, I can understand that it can be terrifying. Up there in the lights in front of all those people. Being judged. Joey: Well, it's even more than that. I mean. I feel like I'm... Declaring myself for the first time. I mean... what I really think about is places and... With everyone staring at it, it's gonna be like they're looking right into my soul. [Scene: School Library. The Disciplinary committee is there and they are talking with Matt Caufield about his cheating on a quiz.] Matt: Give me a break. It was joke. Andie: There's nothing funny about cheating, Matt. Matt: Principal Green... members of the disciplinary committee. I--I admit I--I didn't know the answer on the quiz, and I did what any self-respecting kid would do in the cellular age, you know? I whipped out my Startac, I dialed home and--and I ask my mom, "How many justices sit on the supreme court? You know, call me crazy, you know-- even Mr. Higgins laughed. Andie: Ok and you're saying that your mother didn't know the answer either? Matt: Uh-huh. Andie: Ok so how do you explain your perfect score on the quiz? Matt: I guessed. Andie: Ok, Um, well, then I guess my recommendation would be that you get a failing grade on the work in question and a 3-hour detention. Matt: Why don't you just break my kneecaps while you're at it? Principal Green: That'll be enough Mr. Caufield. While your behavior clearly violates the letter of the honor code? I don't believe it is in violation of the spirit code. Matt: Am I free to go then? Principal Green: Yes, you're free to go. Mr. Caufield. Let's let this be the last time we see you before this committee. [Matt and many of he others in the room leave. Principal Green, stops Andie before she leaves.] Principal Green: Uh, Andie... Would you wait for me for a minute, please? Andie: Sure. Principal Green, I'm really sorry about earlier. I reacted to the Principal Green: That's not what this is about. Andie, I have news. Andie: News? Principal Green: I was contacted this morning, by the educational testing service your phenomenal PSAT results placed you among the top 50 000 scores in the country. You young lady have taken one giant step towards a national merit scholarship. Isn't that fantastic? Andie: Uh, yeah, fantastic. Principal Green: Andie, what's wrong? You seem stunned. Andie: No. No, no. It's just, um... well, it's just-- yeah...I'm a little stunned. Principal Green: Congratulations. [Scene: Outside Doug's Apartment. Pacey has just been buzzed in and he goes to Doug's door, but when Doug sees that it is Pacey he tries to shut the door before Pacey can get in, but Pacey manages to put his foot in the door.] Doug: No, no, no. Pacey, last time you were here, you left water rings on my deco coffee table. Pacey: Dougie, mom and dad just wanted me to bring you something, that's all Doug: Oh yeah? What? [Pacey makes his way into the house.] Pacey: Me! Doug: What are you doing? Pacey: I'm moving in, bro. Doug: What, excuse me? Pacey: You heard me. I'm moving in. Oh, look, dad gave me a check to give to you, like a security deposit. In case I break your stereo. Doug: You're not breaking my stereo, because you're not touching my stereo, 'cause you're not moving in with me. Not now, not ever. This is not party of five. Pacey: Come on, Dougie, please you can't make me go back to that house. I mean, Think about it. You got this whole styling bachelor pad all to yourself with the ... Nice lighting and the fancy window dressings and all the other trappings , of the dire extremely closeted sexual man, and I won't even have a room to myself anymore. Doug: [sigh] Since when? Pacey: Well, since Carrie decided to take an extended leave of absence from Jerry. You remember Jerry don't you? Our favorite Brother-in-law, the one with all the tattoos? And of course she brought along the no-neck monsters. Who are currently residing in my room. So what do you say, man? Can I stay here, please? Doug: If I agree to this-- and it is very big "if"--There will be rules. Pacey: I am your willing pupil. Doug: Number one: We don't eat anything that mom sends over. The woman thinks that iceberg lettuce ah cuisine. Pacey: Agreed. Doug: Number two: The coaster. Live it, love it, use it at all times. Pacey: Done. Doug: You will keep the CD collection in alphabetical order by last name not first. Do you understand? Pacey: Oh, yeah, perfectly. But I don't foresee the need for me to dive into your diva collection anytime soon. Doug: Oh, I think you would be surprised at how a tortured, impassioned female voice can soothe an achy breaky heart. Pacey: Heart's just fine, thank you very much. Doug: Oh, sure it is, little brother. Sure it is. Pacey: Look, Dougie. If you're referring, to our brief jailhouse conversation the other night, you can chalk it up drunken rambling. Doug: Well, there won't be any of that on my watch. And I won't have any moping around like a lovesick puppy either. By the way, you any good at decoupage? Pacey: Oh, god help me... [Scene: Joey's house. Joey, Bessie and Bodie are getting ready to go see her unveiling.] Joey: You are not planning on taking pictures? Bodie: Uh, don't try and stop her, Joey. When a little sister accomplishes something impressive, it's very important for a big sister to create a huge embarrassing fuss over her. Bessie: Yeah, the more embarrassing the better. Joey: Thank you. I mean, I know it's not gonna be too fun for you to walk the halls of Capeside again, seeing it wasn't exactly your favorite place on earth. Bessie: Yeah, but I'm old, remember? And that was a long time ago, and things are different now. Bodie: They're not that different. What, are there, like 10 black kids in that school? Joey: 11 and don't try to rewrite history, Bess. I mean... I remember days when you used to pick me up from kindergarten and you spend the whole way home hollering about some... smug, 2 faced idiots who thought they were better than you simply because you had the wrong kind of jeans. Bessie: Ok, I admit it. I hated high school, but that's why I'm so glad it's not like that for you, Joey. You are talented, and everyone at that school knows it. They've known it for years, and today they're going to see proof positive that Joey Potter is force to be reckoned with. [Scene: They School hallway there is a large group of student watching the unveiling of the murals and the speeches by the artists. Pacey, Dawson, Andie, and Jack, are among the students watching. Bessie and Bodie are also there. One of the artists is talking about her mural to the crowd.] Artist: I painted this so that we all can remember the beacon of knowledge that our teachers shine on us every day. In closing I would like to thank Principal Green , and all of you for this opportunity to impart my message of unity. Principal Green: And now, the last of our Capeside High murals. I'd like to ask Joey Potter to step up and grace us with a few words about her creation. Joey: Well, uh, Principal Green said the mural should focus on what unifies us as a school, and you think about it, nothing really unifies us. Even our mascot is divisive-- the minuteman? Right there, you've listed half of the student population. [Laughter] Joey: ...The only thing that I could think of that unites us all, that we all have in common-- is that we all start off thinking that we can be anything that we want to be. I mean, by the time we get here, we've somehow lost that feeling. We've started to believe whatever our parents or our friends have told us about what we can achieve, about what we can got out of life, and we've forgotten about the possibility we had when we were younger. And that's what I think we all have in common. That's what the symbol on my painting means possibility. I painted it because I thought we could all use a daily reminder that if you believe in yourself, when the odds seem stacked against you anything's possible. So, I hope you like it. [She pulls down the curtain, and someone has painted all over her mural with black paint. Joey sees this and runs out of the room. Dawson, seeing her distress, runs after her.] [Scene: Outside the school. Joey is running away from the school, and Dawson is chasing after her. He finally catches up to her.] Dawson: Hey, wait up. You ok? Joey: That's what I get for answering the call to public service-- public humiliation. Dawson: Nobody's humiliated in there except for maybe the person who did this. Joey: It felt humiliating, Dawson, to me. Dawson: Look, it was a silly prank. Joey: You don't know that. Dawson: You put your heart and soul into that, and I don't blame you for being angry, but don't turn this into some sort of personal attack on you. Pacey: Not to stick my nose in here, but just to stick my nose in, of course it was a personal attack. Dawson: What? Pacey: There were only 3 murals in that hallway. Yours was the only one that got touched. Dawson: So? Pacey: So either someone didn't like what Joey was trying to say, or someone just didn't like you. Dawson: Your logic leaves a lot to be desired. Pacey: Dawson, we're in high school here. It's a veritable society unto its own with a pecking order that makers the caste system look forgiving. Who knows what subtle line you may have crossed or what offense you might have given without even knowing it? Dawson: Paranoid much? Pacey: You don't think there's a possibility there's somebody out there who hates Joey just for being Joey? Who hates the way she talks, the way she dresses, the way she chews on her lower lip. Joey: I don't chew on my lower lip! Pacey: I'm just putting it out there. Think about it. Does anybody come to mind? Dawson: Why, so we can all gang up on him and call him dirty names? Do me a favor, just stay out of this. It was an act of vandalism, pure and simple. Some idiot trying to rage against the machine. That doesn't make sense. Joey: Perfect! Heckle and Jeckle. This is exactly what a girl needs in the middle of an existential crisis, and it's not helping. So thanks, but no, thanks. [She leaves them and they start to watch her go.] Pacey: Shouldn't we, uh— Dawson: No. Let her go. [Scene: Inside the McPhee kitchen. Andie and Jack are talking to each other.] Jack: So, uh, have you heard any word on Joey? She's pretty broken up about it. Andie: Yeah, obviously. Who wouldn't be? Jack: They'll catch the guy, and you can have the last laugh. Andie: Huh? Jack: D.C. Throw the book at him. Andie: Right, heh. You know what? Actually, Jack, I'm thinking about quitting my position. Jack: On the disciplinary committee? Andie, you're, like, the senior-most student representative. That's one step below the savior for mankind as far as college admissions are concerned. Andie: I know, but it's just taking up way too much time. Besides, my schoolwork's starting to slip, and the more Ii think about it, the more uncomfortable I feel about sitting in judgment of others. Jack: What? I'm just a little shocked. Why? It's not like you to bail on a commitment. Andie: Come on, Jack. A lot of things aren't like me, but I've done them anyway. Can you set the table? Jack: Yeah. [Scene: Joey's house. Dawson has just come into the house and sees Joey cleaning up the table. And rings the service bell.] [Ding ding] Dawson: Any room at the inn? Joey: Depends. Dawson: On what? Joey: The length of the lecture I'm gonna be forced to sit through. Dawson: No lectures, I promise. Although I do wanna say that I'm sorry that what happened today happened. Joey: Well, the whole thing was tragically lame to begin with. As if painting on a wall is going to make a change or the slightest bit of difference in school. Dawson: Maybe. Maybe not. Joey: For some reason, I don't like the sound of those maybes. Dawson: Repaint the mural. Joey: What? Dawson: Do it tonight. Surprise that b*st*rd when he shows up tomorrow morning. Joey: I would rather shove red-hot needles underneath my toenails, ok? Dawson: Come on. You're gonna let some stupid high school prank keep you from finishing something that you obviously care about? Joey: I finished it, Dawson, ok? It's not my fault that not everybody got a chance to see it. Dawson: I can't believe you're being like this. Joey: Like what? Dawson: Defeated. Dejected. Demoralized. Joey: News flash, Dawson. I can't always be, your plucky little Joey Potter. I don't have this unlimited reserve of goodwill and good faith in humanity, and sometimes, I am going to be a little depressed. It's not about demeanor. It's about not being a victim. It took me a month to do that, Dawson. I had to conceive it, and I had to execute it, and you can't just expect me to start over. Dawson: Why not? Joey: For the same reason you haven't shot a roll of film since January. Dawson: Joey, that's completely different. Joey: Really? Dawson: Yes. I chose to quit filmmaking. That was a personal decision. Joey: It had nothing to do with the fact that it was poorly received at the festival? Dawson: Truthfully? No. Joey: Well...Then how convenient for you. Dawson: What does that mean? Joey: You have all of these choices, Dawson. You have all of these choices that you just take for granted. I mean...God...One day, you're a filmmaker, and the next day, you're not, and tomorrow, you could wake up and decide you wanted to be a sculptor, or you wanted to just backpack through Europe, or--or--or climb Mt. Everest, and you can do that. Dawson: And you can't? Joey: No, I can't. Dawson: Why not? Joey: I can't afford to waste the time to go find myself and be artistic, and I can't afford to just reject reality and go off and chase my pipe dreams. I can't do it because that's not my life. That's your life. Dawson: You know what I think this is about? Joey: What? Dawson: I think you're relieved. I think you're relieved somebody painted over you mural 'Cause you never had to go through the hard part-- never had to show it to the world, never had to hear what anyone else thought about it. You never had to decide for yourself how good or talented you really are. Wonder why I came over tonight? These are the keys to the school. Principal green gave 'em to me. Do what you want. [Scene: School Cafeteria. Pacey comes up to 2 guys in line for food and starts talking to them.] Pacey: Oh, if it's brown, it must be Tuesday. Student 1: What do you call these things again, Witter? Pacey: Elephant scabs. Packed with whole grain goodness. Did you guys see the look on Principal Green's face? Student 1: Huh? Pacey: At the unity mural thing. I thought the guy was gonna have a breakdown. Student 2: And that girl Joey, she totally lost it. Classic. Student 1: Yeah. Pacey: Look, uh... I'm running myself a little pool here-- guess the true culprit. Winner takes all. You guys in? Student 1: How much? Pacey: It's only a buck a pop. Student 1: Had to be Caufield. Student 2: Yeah, definitely. Pacey: What makes you guys so sure? Student 1: 'Cause there's no other possibility. Student 2: Ha ha ha! Pacey: Ok. Caufield it is. [Pacey goes over to the table Matt Caufield is sitting at.] Pacey: Hey, Caufield. Matt: Do I know you? Pacey: No, not really, thankfully for me. Look, rumor has it that you have this irrepressible urge to express yourself artistically. Matt: What, that thing yesterday at the mural? That was pretty classic, huh? Too bad I can't take credit for it. Pacey: So you didn't do it? Matt: I don't know. I mean, everyone seems did, so maybe I should just do the polite thing and accept the credit and say thank you. Pacey: Maybe. But, look, I'm here to tell you that not everybody thinks what you did was funny. Matt: Well, some people don't have a sense of humor. Is that your problem? Pacey: Yeah, that's me. I'm humorless. Matt: Hmm. What do you want? Pacey: I want you to apologize, and then I want you to turn yourself in, and I want you to do it before the day is done. Matt: And why would I do that? Joey: Because this time, you just happened to mess with somebody I care about. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: School hallway. Dawson walks up to the covered up mural, and sees that nothing has been done. He sees Andie walking towards him and asks her in passing.] Dawson: Hey, have you seen Joey? Andie: No. She wasn't in homeroom. [Scene: Outside the school. Pacey is watching as Matt pulls up in his SUV. When Matt gets out he goes over to him.] Pacey: That's a nice rig. Matt: It's a Christmas present. Pacey: Eh, that sucks, huh? Matt: What's that? Pacey: Your parents shorted you on the off-road package. [Grabs Matt and throws him against his car.] Matt: Get your hands off me. Pacey: Oh, come on, tough guy. Matt: What the hell do you want? Pacey: You know exactly what I want. Matt: So, what's next, Witter? You gonna sic your civil servant dad on me? Can't you see... I'm barely shaking in my boots? Pacey: Well, you know my name. That's a good starting place. Matt: What I know is I'm gonna count to 3, and you're gonna step aside. Pacey: Dream another dream, cowboy. That's not how this is gonna shake out. Matt: 1, 2, 3. [Pacey doesn't release him.] Are you whack or something? Pacey: Oh, no. Not yet. Not by a long shot. Matt: What? You want me to say I did it? Ok, I did it. Huh, there. Satisfied? Pacey: Good. Now, what are you gonna do about it, huh? [Screaming] I said, what are you gonna do about it! Matt: I'm gonna go and apologize. Ok? [Pacey releases him and allows him to walk away. As Pacey turns to walk the other way, Matt sucker punches him from behind. Pacey gets up and tackles him. They fight, throwing each other around, until Pacey Slams Matt down onto the ground and begins beating him. Principal Green see them while he drives up in his car.] [car horn honks] Principal Green: Hey! On your feet! Both of you! Inside! Now! [Scene: Outside Principal Green's Office. Pacey and Matt are seated in his office. Principal green is talking to his secretary, and Andie is summing into the office area.] Principal Green: Get me Dawson Leery and David Curren, please. Andie: Uh, Principal Green, can I talk to you for a minute? Principal Green: Not now, Andie. I'm in the middle of something. Andie: Please. It'll only take a second, and it's really important. Principal Green: What is it? Andie: I'd like to tender my resignation from the disciplinary committee. Principal Green: What? Andie: I think that you have this idea about me that--that I'm somebody I'm not, that I'm--I'm somebody with unwavering integrity, and I can't live up to that. Principal Green: Can we discuss this later at length? Andie: I don't know that there's anything more to discuss, Principal Green. Thank you. Principal Green: [Sighs] [Back in the Office. Dawson and David are there now too.] Principal Green: Now, since neither Mr. Witter nor Mr. Caufield choose to clarify the meaning of their little title fight in the parking lot, I'm counting on their friends to look out for their best interest. Mr. Leery? Pacey: Don't say anything, Dawson. Principal Green: Mr. Curren? Matt: Not a word, Dave. Principal Green: Well, somebody better speak up, and you better do it fast... Because a timely call to the dean over at Dartmouth will trigger an immediate review on your early admission status, and Mr. Witter, one more suspension on your record, and you can bend down and kiss this whole higher education deal good-bye. [Sighs] Ok. I have no other alternative. Dawson: It's because of the mural. Pacey: Hey, shut up, Dawson. This is not your fight! Dawson: It's not yours either. Principal Green: So what you're saying is that the reason that Mr. Witter picked a fight was because he believes that Mr. Caufield had something to do with the vandalization of the unity mural. Matt: I went nowhere near that thing. As if I could give a rat's ass about some stupid Chinese drawing. Dawson: If you didn't go anywhere near it, how did you know what it was? Principal Green: That's a very good question. Matt: Anyone could've taken a look. She's been working on it for weeks. Dawson: Yeah. At night and before school, other than that, it's been sealed up tight as a drum. I'm one of her closest friends. I didn't even know what it was. Matt: You know, this is ridiculous. Dawson: Not to mention, if you didn't, as you say, "give a rat's ass," then why would you go through all the trouble of finding out what it was? Pacey: Check the floor, Caufield. I think you just painted yourself into a corner. Matt: Ok. You got me. Busted. Yeah. I Jackson Pollocked some meaningless mural. You know what? For one thing, it was ugly. You know? It was an eyesore. And not to mention, why do I have to look at some trivial girl's little message to the masses every morning? Frankly, it offends me. Principal Green: Possibility is offensive to you? Matt: I'm white. I'm rich. That's all the possibility I need. [Scene: Inside the McPhee Kitchen. Jack and Andie are there talking.] Jack: Say again? Andie: You heard me. The advance copy of the P.S.A.T. that Dawson had, I'm the one who stole it. That's how I did so well on the test, Jack. That's how I scored in the 99th percentile. Jack: That was you? Oh, Andie. Andie: I know. Surprise. Surprise. Jack: Well, why? I mean, you knew that stuff cold, inside and out, backwards and forwards. If anybody was gonna ace that test, it was gonna be you. Andie: It was just sitting there on the table like--like this piece of forbidden fruit, and not a chance of getting caught. I don't know. It just seemed like the answer to all my problems at the time. Jack: What do you mean? Andie: I thought that... You know, if I aced the test, then... Everybody would think I was ok again. You know, that that would somehow convince them. But now that I really am ok, I'm having a hard time living with myself. Jack: Hence your resignation from he disciplinary committee. Andie: Jack, for the past 6 months, I have been walking around, feeling like the biggest hypocrite. I mean, don't you see? I've been so hard on all these other people just as a way of punishing myself. But now it's time to make amends for that. Jack: Wait a minute. What--what are you planning on doing? Andie: I'm gonna tell Principal Green tomorrow. Jack: No. You're not. Andie: Yeah, I am. Jack: No. No. Andie, look, think about this, ok? You screwed up. Fine. Ok? It was a moment of weakness. But do you really want to get kicked out of school for cheating on something that has the word practice in front of it? Andie: Jack, you know what I want? I want to be free of this thing once and for all. You know? What I did, and I want to be able to go to the mirror and recognize who I am again. Jack: Andie, there's got to be a better way. Andie: Jack, I've thought long and hard about this. Ok? There is no better way. Not for me. [Scene: Doug's Apartment. Pacey is lying on the couch holding a Steak on his eye. Doug comes over and grabs it.] Doug: Do you mind? I'm having this steak for dinner tonight with a nice béarnaise sauce. Pacey: Well, what am I having? Doug: Bread and water. Pacey: Doug, I'm a soldier here, returning from the killing fields. I mean, you know, where's my purple heart, my ticker-tape parade? [Joey enters the apartment.] Joey: Watch it on your black and white. You know, the one with a coat hanger as an antennae at the chevron station... Where you're probably going to be pumping gas for the rest of your natural born life, Pacey. Of all the bone-headed moves. Pacey: What are you talking about? I was right. It was Matt Caufield. Joey: Yeah, and that lets you off the hook how? Pacey: Because the guy deserves whatever he gets, ok? Preferably his silver spoon shoved up his ass. Joey: Oh, that's funny, Pacey. That's really funny. Pacey: Oh, this is rich. Here I am, trying to do the right thing. You know, sometimes a guy just can't win. Joey: No. He can't. Not if he completely overreacts to a situation. If you're gonna throw away your future, just do it on your own account, ok? Pacey: Oh, hey, don't get me wrong. Don't think I ever cared here. I was only doing Dawson a favor. Joey: Dawson. Pacey: Yes, Dawson. You know, looking out for you. Think back with me, way back. You know, like the beginning of the school year. Dawson Leery returns from the big city a changed man, determined to sever ties with girl across the creek. So, he asks trusted friend to look after said girl during the delicate transitional period. Trusted friend, of course he obliges, and now trusted friend gets his head handed to him on a platter. Joey: So you guys just traded me off like some sort of baseball card? Is that what this is about? Pacey: What? Joey: Us. You and me. I thought that— Pacey: you thought what? Joey: I guess I thought something else, Pacey. [Scene: Principal Green's Office. Pacey and Matt are there for their punishment.] Principal Green: You have consistently flaunted my authority, Mr. Caufield. You have undermined the ability of my teachers to educate. And now, you challenge my commitment... To reshape this school into a community. Matt: Principal green, it was only a mural. Principal Green: Yes, it was only a mural... But it was so much more than just a mural. You don't fool me, Mr. Caufield. I know exactly who you are. You've been led to believe you're u touchable. So you disrupt the school. You disobey the rules. You serve to divide the student body with your arrogance and your attitude. Now, you may be smart, and you may be rich, Mr. Caufield, but you are not above the law. And for that reason, it is my decision... That you be expelled from Capeside High. Matt: Expelled? Principal Green: You heard me. Matt: For the rest of the year? Principal Green: For the rest of the year. Matt: Principal Green... Do you have any idea what my father's gonna say about this? Principal Green: Yes. I have a very good idea of what your father's gonna say about this. [Scene: Outside the office. Dawson is waiting to find out the punishment that Pacey is going to get, when Joey walks up to him.] Joey: So what's going on in there? Dawson: I don't know. It's hard to tell. Joey: No sign of... Birch cane or knuckle rapping. Dawson: No. Joey: Let's face it. Pacey's gonna be lucky if he gets off without another suspension. The way things are going, I mean... You should have just asked me to look out for him. Dawson: Excuse me? Joey: I know all about the little wife-swapping arrangement. Dawson: Wife-- Joey, that's not how I was, and you know it. Joey: Then how was it? Dawson: Well, first of all, it was months ago. I mean, things were very different between us. Joey: You're right. Back then I felt like you still understood me. Dawson: Oh, and I don't now? Joey: No. I never asked for your pity! Dawson: It wasn't-- it wasn't about pity. I couldn't be there for you, but I wanted you to have someone you can turn to, someone you could talk to. Now tell me-- where is the harm in that? Joey: Well, it just would have been nice if that someone could have metered a shred of genuine concern, Dawson. Dawson: That someone is in that room right now because he's got a hell of a lot more than a shred of concern. [Sighs] Joey, why are you doing this? Joey: Doing what? Dawson: Casting aspersions on people who obviously care about you. You really think that I don't want the best for you? Pacey--I mean, is a lot of things-- impulsive, thoughtless, stubborn-- but after everything that's happened this year, can you honestly doubt for a second... That he doesn't truly care about you? [Scene: Outside the office. Dawson is still waiting and Pacey finally comes out.] Pacey: Let me just state for the record... I like that man in there. In fact, I'll go you one better--he is a great human being. He's got the fairness of Lincoln, the charisma of Martin Luther King, Jr. He's even-handed and tempered and, if I may say so myself, acutely susceptible to a certain type of irreverent humor. Dawson: So he let you off. Pacey: Not exactly. Dawson: But he didn't suspend you. Pacey: Well, let's just say I'm not packing my bags quite yet. Although 3 days off would have provided a welcome diversion. Dawson: Ok, so divulge. What happened in there. Pacey: I'm gonna be a mentor. Dawson: Be a what? Pacey: Mentor. You know, the Capeside Mentoring program. Since I seem to be totally incapable of suppressing my own juvenile impulses, Principal Green seems to think that I would benefit from the company and example of someone half my age. Dawson: Ha ha ha! Pacey: What's so funny? Dawson: What about the poor kid? What are you gonna teach him? Pacey: What are you talkin' about? Dawson: You gonna teach him the importance of keeping a secret? Like, say, from, you know...Joey, for example? Pacey: Oh, that... Uh...She told you. Dawson: Yeah. Pacey: Hmm. Well, what do you think the odds are that you, yourself, will be as enlightened and forgiving a person as Principal Green just was? Dawson: Not good, Pace. Pacey: Ok... Dawson: Not good. [Scene: Inside Principal Green's Office. Principal Green is reading a letter, and Andie is sitting across from him.] Principal Green: To say that I am profoundly shocked and disturbed by what you did would be an understatement. Your behavior was deceitful, immoral, and ultimately, a disgrace to this school. Andie: I know. I just...Wish that I could have told you sooner. Principal Green: You know I'm going to have to inform the educational testing service, and that they're gonna cancel your scores, and that you're gonna have to forfeit your chance at a merit scholarship. Andie: I'm aware of that. Yes. Principal Green: Now...You say that there were other students who were aware of this test, but you were the only one who exploited it. Are you absolutely certain about that? Andie: Absolutely certain. Principal Green: What do you want me too here? What am I supposed to do about this, Andie? Andie: Um... Well... I heard that Matt Caufield was expelled from Capeside today. And what I did was... No less grave of an offense. Principal Green: Is that what you think? Andie: I cleared out my locker, and I know that all actions have consequences. Principal Green: Andie— Andie: Most of all... I'm sorry for letting you down and for letting myself down. Principal Green: Andie... You and Matt Caufield have nothing in common. He is a selfish, spoiled young man who has no sense of right or wrong, who actually takes pleasure in hurting others. The only person that you hurt... Is yourself. Andie: But I did cheat. And it was wrong, and I should be punished for it. Principal Green: When you were on the disciplinary committee, one of the things that I tried to teach you was the idea of proportionality. Make the punishment fit the crime, yes, but also look at the person. Now, Matt Caufield, doesn't deserve, nor would he benefit from my leniency. But Andie McPhee... She just might. Andie: I don't know what to say. Principal Green: Don't say anything. Get your stuff. Put it back in your locker. As for your punishment... I have to think about that for a couple of days. Andie: Thank you, Principal Green. Thank you. [Scene: The defaces mural. Pacey is there painting over it with a fresh coat of white paint. Joey comes up carrying her art box, and is surprised to see him.] Joey: What on earth? Pacey: Hey, Potter. Joey: Pacey, what are you doing? Pacey: Painting. Joey: Duh! Pacey: I just thought it would be good if you could start with a blank canvas. Joey: Blank canvas, huh? Pacey: You know, wipe the slate clean, tabula rasa, return to point "a". All that good stuff. Joey: And, uh, who, may I ask told you I was planning on repainting the mural in the first place? Pacey: Ah, it's just this guy I met out in the street. Some guy. Ah, your typical do-gooder type. Joey: Mmm. Pacey: So...You gonna thank me? Joey: For what? Pacey: Well, for all manner of things. You know, like defending your honor, bucking the system-- Joey: Tilting at windmills while in the throes of a misguided hero complex? Pacey: Well, yeah, that, too. Joey: Pacey, if I was going to thank you for anything, it would be for being yourself, and, you know, not caring what anybody else thinks and for knowing in your heart what's right and wrong and... For being there this year... When I needed you the most. Pacey: You're welcome. So you want help? Joey: One condition. Pacey: Sure. Name it. Joey: You gotta be honest. The only reason you've been hanging out with me is simply because Dawson told you to? Pacey: Yep. That's the only reason. Joey: Hmm. You need to get a life. Pacey: [Chuckles]

Plan: A: only a handful; Q: How many students were chosen to paint the mural? A: an inspriational mural; Q: What does Joey paint? A: a school wall; Q: What does Joey paint on? A: the unveiling; Q: What is the name of the event where Joey's mural is unveiled? A: Pacey; Q: Who takes vigilante action? A: vigilante action; Q: What does Pacey take when he discovers the identity of the vandal? A: Principal Green; Q: Who is the principal of Capeside High? A: the Capeside mentoring scheme; Q: What is Pacey enrolled in as punishment? A: local kids; Q: Who does Pacey want to help? A: Andie; Q: Who is one of the country's top scorers on the PSAT? A: guilt; Q: What does Andie feel after her dishonesty? A: her; Q: Joey is pushed to see how much Pacey genuinely cares for who? A: Jack; Q: Who advises Andie not to confess? A: Pacey's home life; Q: What becomes over-crowded? A: her children; Q: Pacey's sister Carrie brings what with her when she comes to stay with Pacey? A: Doug; Q: Who is Pacey moving in with? A: Dawson; Q: Who pushes Joey to see how much Pacey cares for her? Summary: Joey is chosen as one of only a handful of students selected to paint an inspriational mural on a school wall. At the unveiling, it is revealed that Joey's mural has been vandalised, and when Pacey discovers the identity of the culprit, he takes vigilante action which lands him in trouble, and gets the vandal expelled. As part of his punishment, Principal Green enrolls him in the Capeside mentoring scheme, and Pacey seems excited at the chance to help local kids. Andie's PSAT scores come back and Principal Green reveals that she is one of the country's top scorers. Racked with guilt about her dishonesty over the test, Andie, against the advice of Jack, confesses the truth to Principal Green who is deeply disappointed. Pacey's home life becomes over-crowded when his sister Carrie and her children come to stay. He decides to move in with Doug, who is less than pleased with the idea. Pacey and Joey bond further when Dawson inadvertently pushes Joey to see how much Pacey genuinely cares for her.

[Gilbert's House] (Elena is sleeping. Her alarm clock sets off and she wakes up. She raises the volume smiles and gets off bed. She smiles once more and starts to dance, looking at herself in the mirror and binding her hair into a ponytail. She takes her pompons and throws them on her bench next to her cheerleader outfit) (She's dressed in her cheerleader outfit and enters the kitchen. Jenna's here) Elena: Hey. Jeremy locked himself in the bathroom again. Does he think we don't know what he's doing in there? Jenna: He's 14. They don't think (She takes the coffee pot to pours herself some but Jenna stops her) Jenna: Hey. You'll get me in trouble with your... (Miranda, Elena's mom, enters the kitchen) Miranda Good morning Elena: Good morning mom (Miranda smiles, takes Elena's face in her hands and kisses her. Elena smiles) Present [Mystic Falls' Hospital] (Elena wakes up in her hospital bed and looks around her) [Mystic Falls' Hospital] (Meredith is with Jeremy in front of Elena's room) Meredith: She's going to be fine. She got a little banged up today, hit her head. But it was just a slight concussion. Nothing to worry about Jeremy: But she collapsed, there was blood Meredith: Honestly, Jeremy, she's OK. She's just... She's been through a lot. Is there anyone you want to call? [A car] (Stefan is driving and Damon is on the passenger seat. They're on the phone with Jeremy) Damon: Did what?! Jeremy: I took her to the hospital. When you find your sister unconscious you call 911 Damon: Not when you have a parade of vampires at your disposal. Stefan: Every remaining original is going to want Elena dead to stop Alaric. She's a sitting duck in there Jeremy: Well, Meredith wants to keep her here for observation Damon: Jeremy, get Elena home. We're on our way (He hangs up and looks at Stefan) Damon: Have I told you lately how much I appreciate you not being the dumbest brother on earth? Stefan: You know one of us needs to keep moving, right? If Klaus really is the sire of our bloodline, we need to keep his body hidden before Alaric finds him, kills him and we all end up dead Damon: Our life is one big proverbial coin toss [Mystic Falls' Hospital] (Meredith enters her office. Alaric is there, waiting for her) Alaric: Hello, Meredith Meredith: What are you doing here? Alaric: I'm Elena's guardian. I thought it was strange I didn't get a phone call Meredith: How did you find out? Alaric: Oh, I have eyes and ears everywhere now. It's funny. The people of this town are actually good at their jobs when you allow them to be. Speaking of... (He gets up) Alaric: You are a little too good at your job (He opens the fridge and takes vials of blood) Alaric: But that's because you cheat. So I found your stash of vampire blood (He takes one vial and empties it) Meredith: Don't... stop it. Don't... don't do that. Stop it! Alaric: The council will be in touch with the medical board to have your license suspended. Mayor Lockwood and Sheriff Forbes are being relieved of their duties. I'm getting this town back under control. And you will be releasing Elena to my custody (He takes the file from her hands, sign something and gives it back to her. He looks at her and leaves. She's about to cry) (He goes to Elena's room but when she enters, she's not there. He looks outside the room) [Gilbert's House] (Elena enters with Matt, Tyler and Caroline) Caroline: Couch Elena: I'm fine. I just... I want something to eat first Tyler: We're on it. As soon as we make sure no one's lurking in the closets (Matt and he look at each other. Matt nods. He goes upstairs and Tyler goes toward the kitchen) Caroline: All right, couch. Now Elena: Ugh, I told you, I'm fine (Caroline takes a blanket) Caroline: Doctor says rest, you rest (Elena lays down and Caroline puts the blanket on top of her) Caroline: Now what can I get you? Do you want some tea? Maybe some vodka? Both will help you sleep (Elena smiles, looks at her and sighs. Caroline sits down next to her) Caroline: I know. I'm being smothering. It's what I do (Elena smiles and takes her hand) Elena: No. It's... It's nice (Caroline smiles) Caroline: I'm thinking... Maybe tea with vodka (They giggle. Caroline gets up and Elena looks at the photo of her with her parents and her alone in her cheerleader outfit) Flashback [Mystic Falls' High School] (Matt and Elena are holding and hands. Bonnie is with them. They're both in their cheerleading outfit) Elena: Caroline Forbes told me that my ponytail lacked juju Matt: I don't even know what that means Bonnie: It means Caroline's driving Elena crazy, as usual. So as I psychically predicted, flare jeans are making a comeback Elena: That doesn't make you are a psychic, Bonnie. It means that you watch too much "top model" Bonnie: Say what you want. But I've got a bad feeling about the bonfire tonight Elena: It doesn't matter, because I can't go (Matt looks at her) Elena: I know, but Jenna's in town and my parents want to do family night (He touches her arms) Matt: You have to go. See if you can sneak out (They smile and kiss) Matt: Got to see Coach Tanner. Love you (He leaves. Bonnie looks at her) Bonnie: You didn't say it back Elena: What? Bonnie: You know what. You can't string him along, Elena. If you're not into it anymore, just... Tell him Present [Gilbert's House] (Elena wakes up. Matt is there, watching her) Elena: Where is everyone? Matt: Tyler and Caroline got a call from their moms. What were you dreaming about? Elena: Sophomore year Matt: That seems like forever ago Elena: It was. I'm sorry that I strung you along. I should have figured out what I wanted, and just been honest about it. And now I'm making the same mistakes with Stefan and Damon. It's not right, what I'm doing to them, either. I... I have to let one of them go Matt: Which one? (Stefan enters. Elena turns herself, looks at Matt and then gets up) Elena: Stefan (She goes toward him and he embraces her) Stefan: Are you okay? Elena: Yeah [Mystic Grill] (Jeremy picks up food at the bar) Jeremy: Thanks, man. Tell the kitchen I appreciate them staying open for me (Alaric arrives with two beers. He puts them on the bar) Alaric: We need at talk [Gilbert's House] (Elena is still on the couch. Matt is setting the table and Stefan is cooking) Elena: I'm being over-coddled. I feel completely fine Stefan: You're on house arrest. You're supposed to be coddled Matt: Wouldn't it be smarter if we just got you the hell out of town? Elena: And do what? Go on the run for the rest of my life? Go on the run for the rest of my life? No, thank you. And I'm not an invalid (She gets up) Elena: I'm done with the couch (She leaves the room. Matt looks at Stefan) Matt: So you're just going to let her call the shots? Stefan: I'm letting her make her own decisions Matt: Even if they're wrong? Stefan: Nothing wrong with free will, Matt. Trust me. You don't realize that till you lose it Elena: Stefan... (He turns his head and sees Elijah at the doorway) Stefan: Elijah Elijah: Hello again [Mystic Grill] (Alaric and Jeremy are at the bar) Alaric: I need you to tell me where they're keeping Klaus' body Jeremy: I don't know. And even if I did, why would I tell you? Alaric: Elena's association with vampires nearly got her killed again tonight, Jeremy. Does that even register with you? Jeremy: Of course it does Alaric: Well, she can't seem to cut them out of her life, but I can. And with your help... I'll get rid of all of them. Find out where Klaus' body is being hidden. I'll kill him. All his siblings. And when I die, vampires will no longer exist Jeremy: But the only way for you to die is if Elena dies Alaric: Then lock me up. Have Bonnie put a spell on me like she did Klaus. Let Elena live a long, healthy, human life. And when her life is over... mine will be too (He takes the stake from his jacket) Alaric: This stake is the one weapon on earth that can kill them. I'm going to get Klaus either way, Jeremy. Be on the right side of this [Gilbert's House] (Elijah and Elena are sitting at the kitchen table. Stefan and Matt are looking at him) Elijah: All we need is to take that stake away from him. Once he's been disarmed, the weapon's in my possession, my family will scatter to the ends of the earth. And Alaric will follow us Stefan: And you'll just... Run Elijah: We've done it before. Klaus and Rebekah spent the better part of a thousand years evading my father. What's another half century while Elena's able to live out the rest of her natural life? Elena: We finally stopped him, Elijah. After everything that he's done to us, I can't just let you bring him back Elijah: I give you my word, Elena. I will not revive Klaus within yours, nor even within your children's lifetimes. Perhaps it'll finally teach him some manners Matt: Why should she trust you? All you've done is screw her over Elijah: And for that, I'm deeply ashamed. But know this... she could have been dead the instant I walked through that door tonight. So, Elena, I leave it to you to make the decision whether to trust me or not (Damon is on the phone. On loud speaker) Damon: Not! Hello! Did that concussion give you brain damage? His lunatic siblings will kill you the first chance they get! Elijah: Rebekah and Kol will honor the terms if you return Klaus' body to us... Elena will come to no harm (He looks at Elena) Elijah: Do we have a deal? Damon: No! No, no, no, no. Did I mention, no! Stefan: Elena, it's up to you Damon: Oh, come on! Elena: Why do you want Klaus' body? Elijah: He's my brother. We remain together (Elena sighs and looks at him) Elena: We have a deal [Lockwood's Mansion] (Tyler and Caroline enter) Tyler: Mom? Carol: In here (They enter the living room. Carol and Liz are waiting for them) Caroline: Mom Tyler: What's going on? Carol: Alaric outed us to the council. He told them everything. The whole council knows what you are Liz: He's got them looking for Klaus, and then they're going to come looking for you. You can't be here when they do (Caroline looks at them) Caroline: What are you saying? Liz: You both need to get out of town Carol: I've pulled together some cash, and Liz has gotten you some new identification. And we'll get school records, and... (Liz gives them some papers) Tyler: well, wait a minute, you want us to run? Liz: We can't protect you anymore Caroline: Well, we can't just pack up and leave! Carol: If you stay, you're going to end up dead. You don't have a choice (They have tears in their eyes. Caroline looks at Tyler) [Gilbert's House] (Matt and Jeremy are outside, sitting on the porch. They're whispering) Matt: So what are you going to do? Jeremy: What I want to do is run in that house, grab Elena and get her out of here and away from all this Matt: Well, why don't we? Jeremy: Good luck getting her past all the vampires in there. Even if I wanted to help Alaric... I have no idea where Klaus' body is Matt: I do [Mystic Grill] (Alaric is alone at the bar. His phone buzzes. He answers) Alaric: Yes? Jeremy: I know where Klaus' body is Alaric: Good. Tell me Jeremy: Damon's on his way to bury him in the woods off route 12. I'll text you with the specifics (Alaric smiles) Alaric: Thank you, Jeremy. You're doing the right thing for your sister Jeremy: I know [Gilbert's House] (He hangs up. He's looking at Elena. Matt, Stefan, Elijah and Elena look at him) Jeremy: He bought it [Lockwood's mansion] (Tyler and Caroline are in Richard's study. He's sitting and Caroline is standing) Caroline: We can't just leave town Tyler: Yes we can Caroline: No, our friends need us Tyler: And our mothers need us to stay alive! (He gets up) Tyler: Look, Stefan and Damon are going to do whatever it takes to protect themselves, but this is our lives. So let me protect you (Caroline takes him by the neck) Caroline: I will go anywhere with you. And if we have to spend the rest of our lives running, I will run with you. But, first, I have to help our friends. Tyler: I'll get stuff together and meet you at the cell in two hours Caroline: Deal (They laugh and they kiss) Tyler: We've got to travel light. So what do you need? Caroline: Ah, just you. Maybe a curling iron (They laugh) Caroline: Oh, I have to tell Bonnie! Tyler: I'll call Bonnie, OK? Two hours. Don't you dare be late Caroline: Ok! (She kisses him one last time, laughs and leaves. He watches her leave) [A storage unit] (Damon and Bonnie go out of an elevator) Damon: I'm not halfway out of Virginia and Elena sells our soul to the originals? Bonnie: It's her call Damon: You know what else is her call? Everything bad ever (They walk through a storage unit) Bonnie: Where's the body? As long as it's unspelled, Alaric is one witch away from finding it Damon: Hidden. I was going to use unit 666, but I figured that would be a little obvious. So... 1020 (They stop in front of a unit) Damon: Mini fridge, a couple of bird cages, box full of "playboys" (He opens it. The coffin is inside) Damon: One beef jerkified original (Bonnie opens the coffin and they look at him. Klaus opens his eyes and looks at them) Damon: Whoa. Creepy Bonnie: I need a minute Damon: Just jam the witch locator bat signal, whatever, and get on with it, Bonnie Bonnie: Elena and Jeremy lost Jenna and Alaric because of him. Tyler's a hybrid. My mother's a vampire. Could you give me a minute to just appreciate the sight of him like this? (Damon raises his hand in defeat and leaves. She watches him leave and he closes the door. She looks at Klaus and he's looking at her) Bonnie: You should burn in hell. But if you die, so do my friends. So does my mother. What am I supposed to do about that? [Gilbert's House] (Elena is in her bedroom with Stefan) Elena: Stefan, make sure that Alaric doesn't lay a hand on Jeremy Stefan: Jeremy will be fine. Between all of us, we'll have the strength in numbers to disarm Alaric (He touches her face) Stefan: Hey. What's wrong? Elena: I... Lately, I feel like every time someone walks out of this house, there's a chance they may not make it back home Stefan: Well, I promise... I will do everything in my power to make sure that we all come back (He touches her shoulder then goes toward the door) Elena: Stefan... (He stops and turns himself but she says nothing) Elena: Forget it. We can talk later (He turns himself but then he goes toward her, takes her face in his hands and kisses her. Then, they look at each other) Stefan: Just in case there is no later (He leaves) [A storage unit] (Damon is alone, on the phone with Stefan) Damon: Bonnie just left. Rebekah should be here soon, pick up the body Stefan: I got Caroline and Elijah in place. Jeremy's going to lead Alaric to us Damon: You just had to let her make the choice, didn't you? Stefan: What would you have done, Damon? Damon: Grabbed her, gagged her, threw her in a well. I don't know, anything other than let her trust Elijah! Stefan: You know she'd just hate you for it, right? Damon: Yet she'd be alive and she'd hate me. Thus the eternal difference between you and me. Brother Stefan: As soon as we get the stake, hand over the coffin and get out. Alaric's got half the police looking for Klaus' car Damon: Will do (He hears the elevator) Damon: Got to go. The original sister's here (He hangs up and gets up) Damon: It's about time, sexy Bex (Alaric strangles him from behind. He groans) Alaric: Where is Klaus? Damon: How did you find me? Alaric: Well, you'd be amazed at how competent law enforcement is when it's not corrupted by vampires. Now, where is Klaus? Damon: Storage locker. There's only about a thousand of 'em. Have at it (Alaric breaks his neck and then throws him on the floor. He's unconscious) [Gilbert's House] (Elena is in her bedroom, sitting on the bench, looking through the window. Matt arrives with two cups of tee. He hands her one. She takes it) Elena: Thank you Matt: You're welcome (She drinks but makes a face) Matt: Sorry. I over-honeyed. I suck at tea (She smiles) Matt: So... Stefan Elena: He saved my life, you know. I never told you that. The night that my parents' car went off the bridge, Stefan was the one that saved me Matt: So do you feel like you owe him or something? Elena: No. It's not that. It's... After the accident, I kind of felt like I didn't know how to live anymore. Like I didn't want to. But then being with Stefan, somehow I figured it out. And that's what love should be. You should love the person that makes you glad that you're alive Matt: So then what's the problem? Elena: The problem's Damon. I... When I'm with him, it just consumes me. And I know that I can't love them both. I know that it's wrong, but I... when I choose one, then I'll lose the other. And I don't want to lose anyone else. I... I just... I wish that I had my mom here to give me some advice (She drinks more tea and looks through the window. Matt is looking at her) Flashback [The Falls] (It's a party. Elena goes away to make a phone call) Elena: Hey it's me Jenna: Your dad is making me play Pictionary. I suck at Pictionary (Jenna is in the Gilbert kitchen with Miranda and Grayson) Grayson: You do. You're terrible Jenna: Bite me, Grayson Elena: Listen, do you think someone can come pick me up? Jenna: Oh, having second thoughts about ditching family night? (She hands the phone over to Miranda) Miranda: Elena? Everything OK? Elena: Matt and I got into a fight. He was talking about college and marriage and all the stuff that he always talks about, and I just... I couldn't Miranda: He doesn't really care about that yet, honey. He's just trying to figure out how you feel about him right now Elena: I don't know how I feel Miranda: Yes, you do. You're just afraid to say it Elena: Yeah, but I don't want to lose him Miranda: You're not going to lose him, honey. You're setting him free Present [Matt's car] (Matt is driving. Elena's in the passenger seat. She wakes up and looks around) Elena: What's going on? Matt: It's the only way I was going to get you in this truck (She realizes something) Elena: The tea. You drugged me?! Matt: I'm sorry, Elena. But you're right, OK? You don't have any parents to tell you what's right or wrong. You've got me and Jeremy and a bunch of vampires fighting a war you shouldn't be in the middle of Elena: What the hell is going on, Matt? Matt: I'm getting you out of town, Elena. It's the only way to keep you safe [SCENE_BREAK] [A storage Unit] (Alaric opens the lockers one by one. He hears the elevator. Rebekah gets out of the elevator and starts to walk) Rebekah: Damon! Damon, where are you? (Alaric takes the stake out of his jacket. Rebekah: Damon, this isn't funny (She arrives at the end of one of the allies and turns to her right. Alaric is following her from a distance. She walks and sees the units opened. Damon arrives from behind and puts his hand on her mouth and go against a wall) Damon: Shh (Alaric stops in front of the unit 1020. He opens it but Klaus's coffin isn't inside. Damon and Rebekah are about to put the coffin in the trunk of a car but Alaric arrives, catches Rebekah by the hair. Punches her head against the car and then throws her on the floor. Damon rushes toward him but Alaric kicks him and is thrown on the floor too. Alaric opens the coffin. Klaus is looking at him. Rebekah screams) Rebekah: No! Damon: No! Don't! (She gets up and screams but Alaric drives the stake through Klaus' heart. Damon gets up and puts himself in front of Rebekah. She's screaming and crying. Damon is holding her but he's in shock. Klaus's body bursts into flames. Alaric looks at them, takes the stake from the burning body and then closes the coffin. He turns himself toward them) Alaric: Next Damon: Rebekah, run. Run! (She runs and he rushes toward Alaric but he throws him on the floor once more and goes after Rebekah) (Damon is alone, sitting against the car. He takes his phone, dials a number and puts to his ear. Stefan answers) Stefan: Damon? Damon: Bad news, brother. Alaric staked Klaus. He's dead (Stefan is in the woods with Jeremy) Stefan: I feel OK. Do you feel anything? Damon: No Stefan: It took Sage about an hour before she got sick Damon: Yeah, or Klaus was lying about being the sire of our bloodline Stefan: Well, if he wasn't lying... An hour's not enough time to get you all the way back to Mystic Falls Damon: What, so we can have an epic good-bye, Stefan? Stefan: Not us, brother. You and Elena Damon: Well, I guess you'll just have to say good-bye for both us, won't you? (Stefan doesn't say anything) Damon: Call me if you cough up a lung (He hangs up) [The woods] (Stefan hangs up too) Jeremy: Stefan. Elena's not home. Matt and I... We're getting her out of town Stefan: It's going to be fine. Klaus was lying. We're all going to be OK (Elijah and Caroline rejoin them) Elijah: What happened? (He doesn't answer) Caroline: Stefan? [Matt's car] (Matt is on the phone) Matt: Got it, jer (He hangs up) Elena: We have to go back. Listen to me, Matt. If Klaus is the one that turned their bloodline, then they're all going to die. We have to go back, Matt! Matt: Elena... Elena: What? Matt: Damon's not with them Elena: What? Matt: He's a hundred Miles out of town. I can keep driving to him, or I can turn around and go back to Stefan. It's your choice [A storage Unit] (Damon is sitting on the trunk, looks at the coffin. His phone rings. He looks at it. It's Elena. He answers) Damon: Let me guess... calling to see if the grim reaper's paid a visit? Elena: How are you feeling? Are there any symptoms? Damon: Not yet. But I'm sure we'll have a laugh when we find out that Klaus is a big, fat liar Elena: Yeah, I'm... I'm sure we will Damon: Hey, where are you? Elena: Matt's taking me home (He understands what she means) Damon: To Stefan Elena: Not just Stefan... Damon. To Tyler. To Caroline Damon: No Elena I get it. So... Since I'm possibly a dead man, can I ask you a question? Elena: Yeah, of course Damon: If it was just down to him and me, and you had to make a choice. Who got the good-bye? Who would it be? Elena: I love him, Damon. He came into my life at a time when I needed someone, and I fell for him instantly. And no matter what I feel for you, I... I never un-fell for him Damon: Hey, I get it. It's Stefan. It's always going to be Stefan Elena: I can't think about "always". All I can think about is right now. And I care about you, Damon. Which is why I have to let you go (She's crying) Elena: I mean, maybe if you and I had met first... Damon: Maybe Elena: You're going to be fine. You hear me? You're going to be OK, and I'm going to see you soon (He turns himself. Alaric's here) Damon: Real soon. Good-bye, Elena (He hangs up) Damon: I see you're still pissed. I take it goldilocks gave you the slip? (Alaric rushes over him and punches him in the face) [Old Lockwood Cellar] (Caroline rushes inside) Caroline: Tyler! Tyler! (She looks around. She's crying. She turns herself and sees him) Tyler: Caroline Caroline: Tyler, oh, my God! (She rushes into his arms) Tyler: Hey. Sorry, I was just with Bonnie (She looks at him, crying) Tyler: What happened? Caroline: Klaus died. He's dead Tyler: You're going to be fine, Caroline Caroline: No, it's not me that I'm worried about Tyler: There's no point. I'm a lost cause Caroline: No! Tyler: But you're strong, and you have a beautiful future ahead of you. When you make it through this... Just tell my mother I left town like I was supposed to, OK? (They kiss and embrace each other. She's still crying. Suddenly he screams and falls on the floor. He's coughing and then it stops. He turns himself and looks at Caroline) Tyler: Do you feel anything? Caroline: No. I feel fine Tyler: I need you to get out of here. I don't want you to watch me die Caroline: No, I'm not leaving (He screams and coughs once more. She bends next to him) Caroline: I'm staying Tyler: No Caroline: Yes Tyler: You run. Or I'll make you run Caroline: I'm not leaving! (He starts to turn) Tyler: Go! (She cries and finally rushes outside) [Matt's car] (She's on the phone, crying) Elena: You too Care (She hangs up. Matt is looking at her) Matt: What now? Elena: It's Tyler. He, um... He's... (Matt understands) Matt: Damn it (He cries and hits the wheel in anger. He screams) Matt: Damn it, damn it, damn it! Elena: Matt, no, stop it (He stops and looks at her) Matt: This isn't how our lives were supposed to be, Elena [The woods] (Rebekah rejoins Elijah. She's crying. He looks at her) Rebekah: He's gone, Elijah. There was nothing I could do to stop it (He embraces her. He has tears in his eyes) Elijah: Tyler Lockwood is dead, but the rest survived. You said that Nicklaus turned their bloodline Rebekah: I thought he did Elijah: It wasn't me, it wasn't Kol Rebekah: It wasn't me, Elijah. It was Nicklaus, I'm sure of it Elijah: Then how are they still alive? [Old Lockwood Cellar] (Bonnie enters) Bonnie: I know you're here (Tyler comes out) Tyler: I must say, you executed the swapping spell brilliantly. I didn't think you had it in you Bonnie: I did it to save my friends and my mother, Klaus. Not you Tyler/Klaus: The spirits won't be happy with you Bonnie: Spirits don't get to tell me what to do anymore. I'm done getting pushed around by all of you. I did it because I wanted to [The woods] (Stefan answers his phone. It's Rebekah) Stefan: Hello? Rebekah: You're alive. Congratulations Stefan: Rebekah Rebekah: Elijah spoke to Elena. Her and Matt should be arriving back in town any minute Stefan: Yeah, he told me that. He also said you two would be long gone out of town by now Rebekah: That's the problem. Elijah says that we have to run, that the hunter will keep coming after us, but I don't want to run anymore, Stefan. I've spent my whole life running Stefan: What are you talking about? We had a deal Rebekah: I'm sorry, but Klaus is dead. There is no deal. If my brothers and I are going to survive, we need to get rid of Alaric, and the only way to get rid of Alaric... Stefan: Rebekah, no [Matt's car] (Elena is looking at her phone) Elena: I need to call Stefan, but my phone is dying Matt: Here. Use mine (He gives her his phone. They arrive at Wickery Bridge) Elena: Thanks (She raises her hand and sees Rebekah standing in the middle of the bridge) Elena: Matt, look out! (He makes a maneuver to avoid her and the car goes above the bridge and ends up and the water) Flashback [A car, underwater] (Elena is coughing. Water is filling the car. Her dad is trying to open the door. Elena looks at him) Elena: Dad? Dad! (He looks at her) Grayson: We're going to be OK. I promise (She coughs and the car is even more filled with water) Present [A storage unit] (Damon falls on the floor, hit by Alaric His face is bleeding. Alaric is standing above him) Alaric: You're not going to fight back? Damon: You're kind of invincible, Ric Alaric: Don't call me that. We're not friends Damon: We were Alaric: Well, our friendship was part of the problem. It's what kept me weak. That's why it took so long for the real me to break through. And now I'm going to break you (He punches him hard) Flashback [Middle of nowhere] (Damon is lying on the road. He hears Elena talking) Elena: I know, Bonnie, you're right. You and my mom both are. I just can't bring myself to tell him. At least not tonight. I'll call you later (She hangs up. Damon arrives and looks at her) Damon: Katherine Elena: Um... No. I... I'm Elena Damon: Oh. You... you just look... I'm sorry. You just really remind me of someone. I'm Damon Elena: Not to be rude or anything, Damon, but it's kind of creepy that you're out here in the middle of nowhere Damon: You're one to talk. You're out here all by yourself Elena: It's Mystic Falls. Nothing bad ever happens here. I got into a fight with my boyfriend Damon: About what? May I ask? Elena: Life, the future. He's got it all mapped out Damon: And you don't want it? Elena: I don't know what I want Damon: Well, that's not true. You want what everybody wants... Elena: what? Mysterious stranger who has all the answers Damon: Hmm. Well, let's just say I've been around a long time. I've learned a few things Elena: So, Damon... Tell me. What is it that I want? Damon: You want a love that consumes you. You want passion and adventure, and even a little danger Elena: So, what do you want? (A horn honks. She turns herself. A car arrives) Elena: That's my parents (She looks at him and he compels her) Damon: I want you to get everything you're looking for. But right now I want you to forget that this happened. I can't have people knowing I'm in town yet. Good night, Elena (He disappears) Present [A storage Unit] Damon: Is that all you got? Alaric: Not quite (He's about to drive the stake through Damon's heart but Damon catches his arm and resists. He pushes him with his leg and then he gets up and punches him in the face) [Wickery Bridge] (Matt's car is at the bottom of the water. Elena opens her eyes. She looks around and sees Matt unconscious. She shakes him and touches his face) Flashback (The inside of the car is filled with water. They're completely submerged .Grayson is still trying to open the door. Miranda is unconscious. Elena looks at her father) Present (Elena is still shaking Matt. She tries to open the window and to break it with her elbow but she can't) Flashback (Grayson tries to break the window with his elbow. Elena calls his dad but he can't really hear her because they're underwater. He turns himself and takes his hand. He shakes his head and she nods. They look at each other and she mouths an "I love you" to her dad. He releases her hand. Stefan arrives) Present (Stefan looks through the window. Matt is still unconscious and Elena is still shaking him, desperate) Flashback (Stefan looks at Grayson through the window but he shakes his hand and makes a sign toward Elena in the back. Stefan goes to the window and sees Elena, unconscious. He's intrigued when he sees her.) Present (Stefan breaks the door and goes inside to catch Elena but she refuses and wants him to save Matt. He insists but she's resigned and refuses. He finally catches Matt and leaves with him. Elena finally dies) [A storage Unit] (Damon punches Alaric. Alaric he's about to hit him with the stake but he catches his arm. But suddenly Alaric isn't okay) Alaric: What's happening? Damon: No! Alaric: What's happening?! Damon: What? (Alaric falls on his knees and screams. Damon is holding him) Damon: No! No! No, no, no, no! (He's on his knees beside him. Alaric is dying) Damon: Ric! (Alaric is dead. Damon understands what it means) Damon: You're not dead. You're not dead! (He's crying) [Gilbert's House] (Jeremy is leaving a voicemail to Matt) Jeremy: Matt, where are you guys? You should have been back by now (Alaric appears and Jeremy stops, looking at him) Alaric: Jeremy Jeremy: I think you've done enough. How did you even get in here? Alaric: I don't know. I just wanted to say good-bye and it kind of happened Jeremy: Ric? Alaric: I just want you to know... That I will always be here to look after you, Jeremy. And you'll never be alone. OK? I promise Jeremy: I don't understand. Oh, my God, you're a ghost. But if you're dead... It means Elena... [Mystic Falls Hospital] (Elena is in the morgue. Lying on a table, dead. Stefan is sitting beside her, devastated) (Damon arrives at the hospital) Damon: Where is she? (Meredith sees him) Meredith: Damon... Damon: Where is she? (She stops him) Meredith: Wait! You need to know, when Jeremy brought Elena in here earlier tonight, her injuries were worse than I let on. It wasn't a concussion. It was a cerebral hemorrhage. Bleeding on the brain Damon: What are you saying? Meredith: He was so worried. I didn't want to tell him but i... I helped her. She needed my help Damon: You what?! (Elena wakes up, gasping)

Plan: A: Meredith; Q: Who takes care of Elena at the hospital? A: Grayson; Q: Who is Elena's father? A: Miranda; Q: Who is Elena's mother? A: Aunt Jenna; Q: Who was Elena's aunt? A: Matt; Q: Who was Elena's first love? A: Damon; Q: Who tells Elena that she wants a love that consumes her? A: Mystic Falls; Q: Where does Tyler and Caroline flee from? A: Elijah; Q: Who returns and asks for Klaus' body? A: Klaus' body; Q: What does Elijah ask for in return for luring Alaric away? A: Klaus so; Q: Who does Alaric want to kill? A: a life-changing decision; Q: What kind of decision did Caroline and Tyler have to make? A: their parents; Q: Who urged Caroline and Tyler to leave Mystic Falls? A: Alaric surprises Damon; Q: Who surprises Damon? A: the storage locker; Q: Where does Alaric surprise Damon? A: the right moment; Q: When Elena says goodbye to Stefan, she says he came into her life at what moment? A: Bonnie; Q: Who made a secret deal to reincarnate Klaus in the body of Tyler? A: flashbacks; Q: What is Elena having while she is in the car crash? A: ghost form; Q: What form does Alaric say goodbye to Jeremy in? A: Dr. Fell; Q: Who reveals to Damon that Elena was not suffering from a concussion, but a bleeding in the brain? A: her vampire blood; Q: What did Dr. Fell give Elena? Summary: Jeremy takes Elena to the hospital where Meredith takes care of her. Elena dreams of simpler times when her parents, Grayson and Miranda, and Aunt Jenna were still alive and her biggest concern was her relationship with Matt. Stefan and Damon leave Mystic Falls together on a mission, but soon split up when Elena needs one of them. Elijah returns and asks for Klaus' body in return for luring Alaric away. Alaric convinces Jeremy and Matt to help him kill Klaus so Elena can live a happy life, but Jeremy tricks Alaric. Caroline and Tyler are forced to make a life-changing decision and flee from Mystic Falls at the urging of their parents. Stefan kisses Elena before going to deal with Alaric. Alaric surprises Damon at the storage locker where Klaus' body is stored. Alaric kills Klaus (who was revealed to have made Damon's, Stefan's, Caroline's, Abby's and Tyler's bloodline). Matt was taking Elena out of town and she decides to go back to say good-bye to Stefan, saying that he came into her life at the right moment, but maybe if she had met Damon first, it would have been different. Caroline says good-bye to Tyler as Rebekah and Elijah mourn Klaus. Bonnie made a secret deal to reincarnate Klaus in the body of Tyler so that her friends would not die, however no one else knows this, as they all believe that Klaus was lying about being the head of their bloodline. Elena and Matt get into a car crash (while this is happening Elena is having flashbacks to when she and her parents were dying in the car). It is then shown in a flash back that Damon and Elena met the night of the car crash involving Elena and her parents, where he tells her that she wants "a love that consumes you, you want passion, an adventure, and even a little danger." But after meeting her, Damon compelled her saying that "No one can know I'm in town yet." When Stefan comes to save her and Matt, she signals him to save Matt instead of her. Elena then drowns, which made Alaric go down with her. He then says goodbye to Jeremy in ghost form. At the end of the episode Dr. Fell reveals to Damon that Elena was not suffering from a concussion, but a bleeding in the brain and that she did what she had to do to save her, by giving her vampire blood. The episode ends with Elena waking up as a vampire.

[Scene: The hallway, Ross is running up the stairs. Note: This show continues where the last one left off.] Ross: Chandler!!! Chandler!!! (He opens the door to the apartment but is stopped by the chain; Chandler and Monica quickly stop making out and try to get dressed.) Chandler, I saw what you were doing through the window! Chandler, I saw what you were doing to my sister! Now get out here! Chandler: (To Monica) Wow! Listen, we had a good run. What was it? Four? Five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime! So, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then! (He kisses her and starts to climb out the balcony window.) Monica: What are you doing?! Chandler: Oh, I'm going on the lamb. Monica: Come on Chandler, come on, I can handle Ross. (They go to the door. Ross is trying to stick his hand through and undo the chain; Monica pushes his hand back.) (To Ross) Hold on! (She opens the door.) Hey Ross. What's up bro? (Ross spots Chandler and starts chasing him around the kitchen table. Chandler runs and hides behind Monica.) Ross: What the hell are doing?!! Rachel: (running from the guy's apartment with Joey in tow) Hey, what's-what's going on?! Chandler: Well, I think, I think Ross knows about me and Monica. Joey: (panicking) Dude! He's right there! Ross: (To Chandler) I thought you were my best friend, this is my sister! My best friend and my sister! I-I cannot believe this! Chandler: Look, we're not just messing around! I love her. Okay, I'm in love with her. Monica: I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way. I'm sorry, but it's true, I love him too. (There's a brief pause.) Ross: (happily) My best friend and my sister! I cannot believe this. (He hugs them both.) (To Joey and Rachel) You guys probably wanna get some hugs in too, huh? Big news! Rachel: Awww, no, it's okay, we've actually known for a while. (There's another pause as Ross gets angry again.) Ross: What? What? What?! You guys knew? (Joey and Rachel backup against the door.) You all knew and you didn't tell me?!! Rachel: Well, Ross, we were worried about you. We didn't know how you were going to react. (Pause.) Ross: (happily again) You were worried about me? You didn't know how I was going to react? (He hugs them both.) Joey: Okay, all right, whew! What do you say we all clear out of here and let these two lovebirds get back down to business? (Ross turns and glares at him.) Hey-hey-hey, I-I-I'm just talking here, he-he's the one doing your sister. Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.] Ross: Hey, you know what I just realized? If you guys ever have kids... Chandler: (interrupting) Whoa-whoa-whoa! We're having kids?! Joey: (quickly) I call Godfather! Ross: You can't just call Godfather. Don't you think her brother should be Godfather? Joey: Sure, if you cared enough to call it first. Monica: Guys, you're a few steps ahead of us. Chandler: Yeah, big zero gravity moon steps. Rachel: Oh! Oh, I just thought of the greatest wedding gift to get you. Phoebe: Ooh, I'll go in on that with you! I couldn't think of anything. Rachel: Okay. (A girl enters.) Joey: (to her) Oh, hey Katie! Everyone, this is Katie. Katie: Hi! All: Hi! Joey: So, are you ready to go? Katie: Yeah, I just gotta run to the bathroom. Joey: Oh sure, right back there. (Points.) Katie: Hey, where are we going to lunch? Joey: I was thinking Chinese food. Katie: Ohh, I love Chinese! How did you know I love Chinese?! (She hits him repeatedly as she says that.) (She heads to the bathroom and Joey sits back down.) Rachel: She is so cute! You could fit her right in your little pocket! Joey: I don't know. I mean I like her a lot, and she's really nice, but... Monica: But what? Joey: (shyly) She keeps punching me. (They all laugh.) Monica: In that cute, little, sweet way she just did? Joey: Hey, it's a lot harder than it looks! Okay? (Quietly) She-she-she's hurting me. Monica: I know what you need, you need a bodyguard. Hey Ross, what is Ben doing after preschool? Chandler: Hey listen, come on, Joey is having a problem! A little girl is beating him up. Rachel: Aww, Joey, come here. (She takes his hand.) Look honey, I know this must be really, really difficult for you and I--Oh, I'm sorry. Am I hurting you? [Scene: Ross's apartment, he's unpacking after moving in. There's a knock on the door and he answers it.] Ross: (opens it to reveal Phoebe) Hey! Phoebe: Hey! I brought you some house warming gifts. Ross: Aww. Phoebe: Yeah. Salt, so your life always has flavor. Ross: Huh. Phoebe: Bread, so you never go hungry. Ross: Ohh. Phoebe: And a scented candle for the bathroom, because well, y'know. Ross: Thanks. Thanks. And thanks again. Phoebe: Yeah! (The door across the hall opens and a guy walks into Ross's apartment.) Guy: Hi! Ross: Hi! Guy: Welcome to the building. I'm uh, Steve Sarah; I'm president of the tenants committee. Ross: Oh hi! Ross Geller. And this is my friend Phoebe. Steve: Oh hi Phoebe. Phoebe: Mr. President. Steve: I came to talk to you about Howard. Ross: Howard? Steve: Yeah, he's the handy man. He's gonna be retiring next week and everyone who lives here is kicking in a 100 bucks as a thank you for all the hard work type of thing. Ross: Oh that's nice. Steve: Yeah. So, do you want to give a check? Or... Ross: Oh. Uhh... Steve: Oh look, you don't have to give it too me right now! You can slip it under my door. (Points to his apartment across the hall.) Ross: No-no, it's not that, it's just... I-I just moved in. Steve: Well, the guy's worked here for 25 years. Ross: Yes, but I've lived here for 25 minutes. Steve: Oh, okay, I get it. (Starts to leave.) Ross: No wait, look. Look! I'm sorry, it's just I've never even met Howard. I-I mean I don't know Howard. Steve: Howard's the handy man! Ross: Yes but too me he's just, man. Steve: Okay, fine, whatever. Welcome to the building. (Exits.) Ross: (To Phoebe) Ugh, can you believe that guy! Phoebe: Yeah. I really like his glasses. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is lamenting to Chandler and Rachel about his troubles in his new building.] Ross: ...so then President Steve told everyone that I was a cheapskate, and now the whole building hates me! A little kid spit on my knee! Y'know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna throw a party. That's right. For everyone in the building, and I'm gonna sit them down and explain to them, I am not a bad guy. I am not a cheap guy! I'm just a guy who-who stands up for what he believes in. A man with principles. Chandler: (To Rachel) Sounds like a fun party. Rachel: Hmm. Look, Ross, if you want your neighbors to like you, why don't you just pay the hundred bucks? The party's gonna cost you way more than that. Ross: It doesn't matter! It's my principles! We're talking about my principles! Rachel: Okay, I thought it was about your neighbors liking you. Ross: Oh, they'll like me. Once they come to my awesome PAR-TAY! Okay, I gotta run. I gotta go get some nametags. (Exits.) Rachel: And that crazy party animal will be your brother-in-law. Chandler: Very, very funny, but don't say things like that in front of Monica. I don't want you putting any ideas in her head. Rachel: Umm, Chandler, you do realize that those ideas are probably already in Monica's head. Chandler: Wh-wh-why?! Rachel: Well, because she loves you and because you love her. Chandler: Yeah, so, what's that supposed to mean?! Rachel: Hey, Chandler, don't freak out! I'm telling you something you already know! Come on, she broke up with Richard because he didn't want to have babies. And she's a woman, and she's almost 30, and y'know it's Monica. Chandler: I don't see it that way. Okay? Because, I see two Monicas, the one that was my friend, who lived across the hall, and wanted to have a lot of babies and then the new Monica, who I just started to date. Now, who's to say what she wants?! I'm right. I'm right. Am I right? Rachel: No, you're right, you are absolutely right. I mean that makes, that makes everything different. Chandler: Okay. It's not different at all, is it? Rachel: Not unless different means the same. [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is sitting on the couch with Katie.] Katie: You were so funny with that waiter! You're such a nut! (She slaps her thighs, Joey jerks, and spills some of his coffee.) Joey: (sets the coffee down) Y'know, breadstick fangs are always funny. Katie: No, you make them funny. You're the funny one! (She punches him again and he retreats to the arm of the couch.) Joey: Uhh, look Katie, uh listen, we-we need to talk. Okay? Umm, look I like you. I-I really do, I like you a lot. Okay? But sometimes when you, when you playfully punch me like that it-it feels like someone's hitting me with a very tiny but very real bat. Katie: Aww, like I could hurt you. Are you making fun of my size? Don't make fun of me because of my size! (She punches him again and almost knocks him off the arm of the couch.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Monica are curled up on one of the chairs.] Monica: Isn't this great? Chandler: Hmm. Monica: Couldn't you just stay like this forever? (His eyes snap open.) Chandler! Couldn't you just stay here forever? Chandler: Yeah, here, somewhere else, y'know where-where ever. (Gets up.) Monica: Are you okay? Chandler: Yeah, I'm cool. Casual. Monica: What-what are you doing? Chandler: I'm just hanging out. Y'know, having fun. Y'know with the girl that I'm seeing casually. Monica: Man, I knew it! I knew you were going to do this!! Chandler: What?! Monica: Get all freaked out because everybody was talking and just joking around about marriage and stuff. Chandler: Well, you do want all that stuff, right? Monica: Oh and you know what I want! Chandler: Yes! You want babies! You have baby fever! Monica: I do not have baby fever! Chandler: Oh please, you are obsessed with babies and-and marriage and everything that's related to babies and-and marriage! I've got an idea, why don't we turn down the heat on this pressure cooker?! Monica: Have you lost your mind? Chandler, this isn't about me! This is about you and all your weird relationship commitment crap! Chandler: Nah-uh! I know you! Okay? I know the thoughts that you have in the head--in your head! Monica: You don't know everything. Did you know that I'm going out with Rachel tonight instead of you? Hmm? And did you know that the only baby around here is you?! And did you know that I can't even look at you right now?! (She storms out.) Chandler: Well, I did not know that. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is getting advice from Ross and Joey.] Chandler: It's gonna be okay, right? I mean she's not gonna leave me? This is, this is fixable. Ross and Joey: Oh yeah, yeah, sure. Absolutely. Chandler: By me? Ross: Oh, no! Joey: No-no. Ross: Well, unless you make some kind of big gesture. Joey: Yeah, big! (Monica enters.) Joey: Uh-oh, shht! The Misses. Monica: Gunther, can I get a coffee (Looks at Chandler) to go? Chandler: Monica. (Goes to talk to her.) Monica: I'm still not done not wanting to talk to you. Chandler: Just tell me what I need to do to make things right. Monica: What?! Chandler: Well, that's what we do. Y'know, I-I mess up and then you tell me how to fix it and then I do and then y'know you think I'm all cute again. Monica: Really? I'm really tired of being your relationship tutor. You're gonna have to figure this one for yourself. All right? Y'know what? If you're too afraid to be in a real relationship, then don't be in one. (She walks out.) (Chandler turns to watch her go and then sees Ross and Joey both with huge grimaces on their faces.) [Scene: Ross's apartment, he's having his party, only he's the only guest. He gets up and puts on a nametag that says Ross, but doesn't quite like it. So he takes it off and puts on one that says Dr. Geller and he puts the Ross one underneath the Dr. Geller one. Then as he turns off the music, we hear the party for Howard raging in the apartment across the hall.] Party Guests: (chanting) Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! (Ross goes to investigate the noise) Howard! Howard! Howard! (They're holding Howard above their heads.) Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! (He sees Phoebe chanting along with them.) Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Yay!! Ross: Phoebe! (He grabs her arm to get her attention.) Phoebe: Oh, hi Ross! Ross: What are you doing? Phoebe: Oh, I thought this was your party and it turns out it's a party for Howard. He's just the sweetest little man! (A guest walks up to her.) Guest #1: See ya Phoebe! Oh and hey, thanks for chipping in! Ross: You chipped in?! Phoebe: Yeah, uh-huh, a 100 dollars. Ross: Phoebe! I can't believe you gave them money! I thought you agreed it was totally unreasonable that they asked me for that money! Phoebe: Yeah, but they didn't ask me! Y'know? This way I'm just y'know, the exotic, generous stranger. That's always fun to be. Ross: Yeah, but you're making me look bad! Phoebe: No I'm not. No! If anything I'm making you look better! They'll see you talking to me and that's--I'm a hit! Steve: (walking up) Oh hey, Pheebs! Phoebe: Hey! Steve: Oh hey, Ross. Umm, see, I was thinking maybe you two could switch apartments because Phoebe's more our kind of people. Something to think about. (Walks away.) (Ross turns and glares at Phoebe.) Phoebe: Yeah, okay, my bad. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is getting some coffee as Joey enters. He's looking a little puffy, but that's probably from the large number of different color sweaters he's wearing.] Joey: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Wow! You look, you look...big. Joey: Thanks! I've been working out. Hey listen, is it obvious that I'm wearing six sweaters? Rachel: Uhhh, yeah. But it's not obvious why. Joey: Well look, I'm breaking up with Katie so I had to put on some extra padding. Y'know? I mean, if she hits me when she's happy, can you imagine how hard she's gonna hit me when I tell her I'm taking away the Joey love? Katie: (entering) Hi! Joey: Hey! Hiya! Rachel: Hey! Hey, cute jacket! Katie: Oh, thanks! That's so sweet! (She punches Rachel like she punched Joey.) Rachel: Oh! Ow! (Joey motions, "You see what I mean?!") Katie: Oh, ow! Did Joey tell you to say that? You guys, (Punches Joey) are too much! (Punches Rachel.) Rachel: Whoa! (Laughs) Y'know what Katie? I gotta tell ya I-I-I-I think you are the one who is too much. (She punches Katie back.) Katie: Ohh, Joey has the nicest friends! (She punches Rachel.) Rachel: Ohh, and the nicest girlfriend! (She retaliates.) Katie: You're so sweet! (Punches Rachel yet again.) Rachel: Ohh, you're so sweet! (She kicks Katie in the shin.) Katie: Oww!!!! Joey, she just kicked me. Joey: Huh. Katie: Well? Aren't you gonna do something? Joey: Uhh.... Katie: You'd better do something, or I'm gonna walk out that door right now! Well? Are you gonna? Joey: Nah. (She looks at Rachel and storms out. After she's left Joey hugs Rachel in thanks.) [Scene: Howard's party, Phoebe is talking Ross up to two more partygoers. Ross isn't happy about it.] Ross: (trying to get her attention) Phoebe? Phoebe: (ignoring him and continuing her conversation) That's what I'm saying. (Laughs.) Ross: (tapping her on the shoulder) Phoebe? Phoebe? Phoebe: Ooh. (Turns to him.) Ross: Look, this is a disaster! Can't I please just go? Phoebe: No! No! I'm talking you up to people. Just give it a little time, all right? Relax, get something to eat! Okay? (They go to the food table.) Ross: So uh, what did you tell them about me? Phoebe: Oh, I was telling them about you and Emily. Y'know, try to get some sympathy. Ross: Ohh. (He cuts himself a piece of cake.) Phoebe: But somehow you came off as the bad guy. Ross: What?! Phoebe: Yeah, I think I told it wrong. Y'know, we should talk about that because I don't totally understand what happened there. Ross: (trying a piece of cake) Ohh, this cake is really good! Phoebe: Oh, okay, see? Things are looking up already! Guest #2: (sees the cake) Oh my God! Someone cut Howard's cake! (Ross tries dumping it into a nearby plant.) Who would do a think like that? (Steve goes over to look at Ross who's trying to look cool, but has some frosting on his lip.) Steve: 3-B! All: Oh yeah, aww! Steve: Okay, you got your free food! You ruined everyone's fun! Don't you think it's time you went home?! Guest #3: Yeah, leave! All: Yeah, get out! Now! Steve: Go back to 3-B, 3-B! Phoebe: All right, everyone calm down! Everyone calm down! I have something that I would like to say! Who here likes Ross? (Ross is the only one who raises his hand and Phoebe glares at him to put his hand back down.) Of course you don't like him! He-he didn't give you any money, he raised his own hand when I asked, "Who hear likes Ross," and he's wearing two nametags! (He takes one off.) I-I'll be honest with you guys, when I first met Ross I didn't like him at all! But then once I got to know him I saw that he's really sweet and caring and very generous. I mean, all I'm saying is don't judge Ross before you get to know him all right? I mean, I like all you guys now, but when I first meet you y'know Kurt, I thought, y'know abrasive drunk, umm Lola, mind numbingly stupid! And okay, you guys (She turns to an elderly gentleman and a 20 something woman, who're a couple.) (To the girl) Gold-digger, (To the old guy) cradle robbing perv! So, I think you all know what I mean. [Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross and Phoebe have been banished to Ross's place.] Phoebe: Obviously I didn't think they were gonna start throwing things. I just thought if I kept insulting everyone, you would jump in and defend everyone and then you could look like the hero. Ross: Oh wow, yeah! See, I did not get that. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler comes running in. Everyone else is already there.] Chandler: Where's Monica?! Where is she? I need to talk to her! It's urgent! Is she here? Monica: (raising her hand) I'm Monica. Chandler: I need to talk to you, it's urgent! Monica: Okay. Chandler: Okay, I've been doing a lot of thinking about us, y'know a lot of uhh, us thinking. And uh, well I guess there's only one-one way to do this. (He slowly and awkwardly gets down on one knee.) Monica: Wait what-wh-wh-what are you doing?! Chandler: (getting out a ring box) Monica... Monica: No-no, don't-don't-don't do it! Chandler: Will you marry me? (Phoebe hides her eyes in shame. Rachel is starring at them wide-eyed and open-mouthed. Joey and Ross are stunned to temporary silence.) Ross: Oh-no. No. No. Joey: What a bad idea! Rachel: Ohhhh, I cannot look at it! (She doesn't move.) Monica: Chandler, why are you doing this? Chandler: I don't know. But I know I'm not afraid to do this. Monica: Chandler. Chandler: I'm doing this because I'm sorry? Monica: Do you umm, you really think the best reason to get married is because you're sorry? Chandler: No, the best reason to get married is pregnancy. Sorry is pretty much fourth y'know, behind being ready and actually wanting to get married. (Laughs.) Will you be my wife? Monica: (kneels with him) Chandler, umm, I want you to take just a minute and I want you to think about how ridiculous this sounds. Chandler: Yeah, I'm kinda wishing everyone wasn't here right now. Monica: Honey! Do you know that none of that stuff came from me?! I mean I never said I wanted to have babies and get married right now! Chandler: Yeah I know, but I was really confused and then I talked to these guys. (Turns to look at Ross and Joey.) Monica: Who? Two divorces and Joey?! Ross: Hey! Joey: She's right y'know. Ross: Yeah, but still, cheap shot! Monica: Y'know what? Y'know when I said that I want you to deal with this relationship stuff all on your own? Well, you're not ready for that. Chandler: I didn't think I was! (They hug.) Monica: Oh my God, what would have done if I said yes? Chandler: Well I would've been happy because I would've be able to spend the rest of my life with the woman that I love. Or, you would've seen a Chandler shaped hole in that door. (Points at the door.) Ending Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Everyone is there.] Joey: Hey Ross, will you pass me that knife? Ross: No, I will not! Joey: Oh, it's okay. You don't have to be so mean about it. Ross: You're right, I'm sorry. Will you marry me? (They all laugh.) Phoebe: Aw, and I was gonna ask you to marry me because I forgot to say hello to you last week. Rachel: Oh no wait Pheebs, I think for something like that you just ask them to move in with you. But I'm not sure, Chandler? Chandler: Okay, how long is this going to go on. Monica: Well I think the length of teasing is directly related to how insane you were so, a long time. Ross: This is fun. Hey Rach, remember that whole "We were on a break thing?" Well, I'm sorry, will you marry me? (Laughs--whines as he sees that no one is laughing. They're just staring at him in shock.) Chandler: That's not funny. Joey: That's not funny at all! (They all get up and leave.)

Plan: A: Ross; Q: Who is furious when he learns about Chandler and Monica? A: Monica; Q: Who is upset that Chandler refuses to consider marriage? A: Joey; Q: Who dates a girl who likes punching him? A: Soleil Moon Frye; Q: Who is the actress that played Joey's girlfriend? A: the wrong foot; Q: Ross gets off on what foot with his new neighbors? A: a large sum; Q: What does Ross decline to contribute? A: the retiring superintendent's retirement party; Q: What does Ross refuse to contribute to? A: problems; Q: What do Chandler and Monica have with their relationship? A: one day; Q: How long does Monica want Chandler to be open to getting married? A: Chandler's relief; Q: What is Chandler's reaction to Monica's refusal of his proposal? Summary: Ross is initially furious upon learning about Chandler and Monica, but quickly comes round when he learns they are serious about each other. Joey dates a girl ( Soleil Moon Frye ) who likes punching him. Ross gets off on the wrong foot with his new neighbors when he reasonably declines contributing a large sum towards the retiring superintendent's retirement party. Chandler and Monica have problems with their relationship after everyone jokes about marriage. Monica is upset that Chandler refuses to consider marriage, and he becomes so worried about losing her that he hastily proposes. Monica turns him down, saying she only wants him to be open to getting married one day, and that they are not ready yet (much to Chandler's relief).

PAUL ERICKSON & LESLEY SCOTT 05:15pm-05:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK DODO: Doctor, Steven, look! DOCTOR: What is it, my dear, what have you found? (They join DODO who is gazing up at the statue.) DODO: The statue! They've finished the statue! (The completed stones structure looms over them. But where the plan showed a human head there is now the head of a MONOID.) DODO: What's happened? The head, it wasn't meant to be like that. STEVEN: No. It was meant to be a human being and now it's a Monoid. Wonder why? (They move towards the control desk. Leaves are scattered all over the floor as foliage has started to grow on the control deck.) DOCTOR: Well I'm not sure, dear boy. However, the statue is finished. That means, er, seven hundred years must've passed since we ... last stood here. Hmm? DODO: Is that why the place looks so grotty? STEVEN: Must be. DODO: But we've only been gone a few seconds! DOCTOR: Yes, I know my dear, it's pretty hard for you to understand. STEVEN: Yes, well the Guardians said it would take seven hundred years for this spaceship to reach the Planet Refusis II. If that navigation chart's anything to go by I'd say that they're almost there. (The DOCTOR studies the controls.) DOCTOR: Yes, I think you're right. STEVEN: Then where are the guardians? Well at least the descendants of those we knew before, surely they should be here, guiding the ship? DOCTOR: I don't think that will be necessary, dear boy, it appears they've introduced some form of automatic guiding device. STEVEN: Yes but you'd think one of them would be standing by to make sure nothing goes wrong. DOCTOR: Yes, well now, let's have a look at the scanner and see if that may help. (He comes up with an image on one of the small screens on the panel.) DOCTOR: Ah! (The image now appears on the large monitor behind the command chair.) STEVEN: Well that's the room with the Earth's population stored in microform. (The image changes to show a man holding a glass of liquid.) DODO: It's one of the Guardians! (The Guardian places the drink on a table next to an unseen figure in a high-backed chair. A reptilian hand waves him away.) STEVEN: That looks like a Monoid! DODO: Yes, but the Guardian's working as a kind of servant. DOCTOR: Yes, he's not the only one that's doing that. (The image changes again to show a large room. Several Guardians are carrying out chores with food and dishes.) STEVEN: Looks like some kind of kitchen. DODO: Yes and they're sort of slaves, aren't they? [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. ARK. KITCHEN (One of the workers drops a pot on the floor. He bends over to pick it up but another hand appears clutching a long weapon. A cloud of smoke fires at him and he clutches his arm in pain.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK DODO: What was that? STEVEN: Looked like some kind of gun. DODO: But the arm? DOCTOR: (Gravely.) Yes, it appears the Monoids have become overlords. STEVEN: (Alarmed.) Doctor, look! (Three MONOIDS and two Guardians have entered. The MONOIDS wear collars with numbers on and carry the same sort of guns as seen on the monitor image. The MONOID at the front, numbered "2", puts his hand to a small grill at the front of his collar and speaks in a harsh, warbling voice.) MONOID TWO: Who are you? STEVEN: Things have obviously changed. DODO: They can speak, they couldn't before. MONOID TWO: I asked, who are you? Where did you come from? DOCTOR: We are visitors to this, er, spaceship. We were here many centuries ago. Er, we come as friends. MONOID TWO: Friends to whom? DOCTOR: To all who ... travel in this spaceship. MONOID TWO: You mean of the humanoids, like yourself. DOCTOR: Well, er, yes. But when we were here some time ago we also were friends of your forebears. They were called Monoids. Things were very different then. (One of the Guardians, YENDOM, whispers to another.) YENDOM: These strangers, they... (A MONOID grabs at him and he is silent.) MONOID TWO: (To the DOCTOR.) You speak of the distant past. Following the recent revolution we are now the masters. (The time travellers look at each other.) DOCTOR: I see, and the human beings? MONOID TWO: They work for us. Is that not true, Yendom? (YENDOM bows.) YENDOM: Yes. MONOID TWO: We conquered and you obeyed. And these strangers, they will also obey. Now you will come with us. STEVEN: Where? MONOID TWO: To our leader (MONOID TWO points the weapon at the TARDIS crew, forcing them to leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. ARK. MONOIDS' CHAMBER (A seated MONOID, wearing the number ONE, places down an empty glass where it is picked up by its human servant. The door slides open and MONOID TWO enters.) MONOID TWO: Here are the strangers, One. (The DOCTOR stands in the doorway.) MONOID ONE: Wait. Look. (A screen in the wall shows the events of seven hundred years earlier ...) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. ARK. JUNGLE (A MONOID drives the DOCTOR, STEVEN and DODO through the Ark's jungle, back to the TARDIS. The travellers get off the transporter and enter the ship, DODO waving to the MONOID.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. ARK. MONOIDS' CHAMBER (Having watched this image, MONOID ONE waves them all into the room.) MONOID ONE: It seems that when you were here before the Guardians of that day didn't believe that you could travel through time as well as space. Why have you come back? STEVEN: The TARDIS made the decision. MONOID ONE: (Incredulous.) Are you telling me that you can't control your own machine? DODO: (Indignant.) What's it got to do with you? DOCTOR: Shh, child. MONOID ONE: According to the history scan you brought a strange fever that killed many of our ancestors. DODO: But we also helped to find a cure, didn't we? I mean the Doctor did. MONOID ONE: He thought he did. DOCTOR: And what do you mean by that, hmm? MONOID ONE: You controlled the immediate impact of the fever but a mutation of it developed later on that sapped the will of the humans. DODO: You mean that it was our fault that you took over because of the fever? MONOID ONE: In part. STEVEN: There were other reasons? MONOID ONE: The main reason was the Guardians themselves. They were a simple people. (A Guardian acting as a servant, MAHARIS, looks round furtively at this remark.) MONOID ONE: They actually encouraged the research from which we developed our voice boxes and heat prods. They were totally unprepared for the conflict when it came. DODO: What happened to them? MONOID ONE: Many were killed. (DODO looks at the DOCTOR.) MONOID ONE: The rest are prisoners. A fact that you will shortly see for yourselves! Two, take them away to the security kitchen and then call a grand council. (MONOID TWO bows and then points to the door with the gun.) MONOID TWO: This way. (As the TARDIS crew leave the DOCTOR glares at MONOID ONE but MONOID TWO raises the gun and he leaves. MAHARIS offers MONOID ONE a fruit bowl.) MONOID ONE: I trust their return won't give you any ideas, Maharis? MAHARIS: (Nervously.) No. I am content to obey. (But when MONOID ONE is looking away MAHARIS gives him a look of hatred.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. ARK. KITCHEN (While the work proceeds two Guardians, a man named DASSUK and a woman called VENUSSA talk in the corner. DASSUK is the Guardian who was fired at earlier in the kitchen as seen on the control deck monitor.) DASSUK: Who told you? VENUSSA: One of the subject Guardians whispered it as he passed by the door, just now. DASSUK: Strangers? What sort of strangers? VENUSSA: Human beings! DASSUK: Well I'm afraid the Monoids will make very short work of them. VENUSSA: Well no, they've been taken prisoner. DASSUK: Well that proves it's only a rumour. Just like all the other rumours we've been hearing. Look Venussa, you know how far the Ark has travelled and the Earth itself no longer exists, so where could these so-called humans come from? VENUSSA: From Earth, but as it was millions of years ago. Well they travel through time. DASSUK: That's impossible. I think you've been a prisoner a little too long. VENUSSA: Oh, but it could be true, Dassuk. Oh, don't you remember the story? Hundreds of years ago a doctor and a young couple came and then went away again. Well they were the first people to call this ship the Ark! (He places a hand on her shoulder.) DASSUK: That's just a legend. And legends won't help us regain control of the Ark. (There is a commotion near the door and the two of them hurriedly return to their work. The door opens and MONOID TWO leads the TARDIS crew in.) MONOID TWO: Alright Doctor, this way, and bring your friends with you. VENUSSA: (To DASSUK.) Doctor? MONOID TWO: You will stay in this place and help with the task of preparing our food. You will sleep like the others of your kind. Above all else, you must always be obedient prisoners. (The MONOID departs. VENUSSA rushes up to them.) VENUSSA: Doctor? Did he say Doctor? Have you been here before? STEVEN: (Impatiently.) Yes, we have. (DASSUK follows.) DASSUK: But... But that's incredible! How in space could you do it? DOCTOR: If I were to tell you, young man, you wouldn't believe me. STEVEN: No, besides we've got far more important things to talk about. We've got to find a way to get out of this place. [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK (A crowd of MONOIDS are watching a star chart on the screen. ONE and TWO are at the back, talking.) MONOID ONE: In a short while, Refusis will be ours. We will land there, we will create a Monoid world. (Another MONOID walks up to them. Its collar denotes it as MONOID THREE.) MONOID THREE: But One, what about the Guardians? MONOID ONE: I have a simple plan that will destroy them. When we start our life on that planet it will be with no reference of any kind to the time when we were secondary beings! MONOID TWO: That's as it should be. MONOID ONE: But at this moment we cannot be sure of what Refusis is really like or what kind of creatures the Refusians are. MONOID TWO: That's true. MONOID ONE: So I am sending a forward landing party ahead of us. MONOID THREE: But in that case the Refusians will be forewarned. MONOID ONE: I have thought of that. Listen. (They huddle together.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. ARK. KITCHEN (The TARDIS crew, VENUSSA and DASSUK are talking while preparing the food. DASSUK puts some powder into a pot of water and almost immediately the water turns into boiled potatoes.) DODO: I named this ship "The Ark". They'd never heard the name 'til I used it. DASSUK: (Sceptically.) And you brought a strange new fever and then the Doctor cured it. VENUSSA: Of course. Take no notice of him, Doctor, he was born a cynic. DOCTOR: He'll probably die one unless we do something quickly about this situation. STEVEN: Listen, are there many other Guardians like yourselves held prisoner? DASSUK: Oh, not many. The Monoids only keep us alive because they enjoy being waited on. DODO: Why don't you just jump on them? They're pretty slow moving creatures, Monoids. DASSUK: You forget they're armed and we're not. And those heat prods can be pretty lethal. STEVEN: Right, but we could take the chance and seize one. Challenge them at their own game! DASSUK: Nah, they're too careful. They never put them down. DOCTOR: Yes, we shall have to be pretty urgent too, time is running out. [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK (The room is now empty. MONOID ONE is instructing TWO.) MONOID ONE: While the others are preparing the launcher, go and get the Doctor and the girl. MONOID TWO: (Bows.) Yes, One. [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. ARK. KITCHEN DODO: Do you think you can do it? DASSUK: We must try. Otherwise... DODO: What? DASSUK: There'll be no future for us, and our forefathers might just as well've stayed on the Earth and died with it. (A Guardian who is listening at the door moves back and waves.) VENUSSA: They're coming back. (The DOCTOR, DODO and VENUSSA stand behind the table while STEVEN and DASSUK hide by the door. MONOID TWO enters and looks at the Guardians suspiciously. It turns round, sees STEVEN and DASSUK and raises its gun.) MONOID TWO: What is this? Why aren't you working? (VENUSSA knocks over a pot and it whirls around to see what the noise was.) STEVEN: (Shouts.) Now! (STEVEN and DASSUK attack the MONOID from behind. They have almost overcome it when MONOID THREE enters. It covers them with its gun.) MONOID THREE: Back! (Another Guardian approaches THREE but is killed. On seeing this, STEVEN and DASSUK give up. MONOID TWO retreats to the safety of the doorway.) MONOID TWO: Get back. You are reckless and stupid. Now you have gained only one thing, the death of another of your kind. Doctor! You and the girl will come with me. (The TARDIS crew reluctantly move towards the door. As they are passing through MONOID TWO stops STEVEN.) MONOID TWO: You stay here. STEVEN: Why? Where are you taking them? MONOID TWO: They will make the first landing on the Planet Refusis. You will be held as a security for their conduct. (The MONOIDS leave and a grim silence descends upon the room as the guardians tend to their dead companion.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK (Watched by MONOID THREE a party of MONOIDS emerge from the Launching Bay. THREE moves over to MONOID ONE in the control area.) MONOID THREE: The Launcher is ready, One. The Doctor, the girl, the Guardian and Two are aboard. MONOID ONE: Good. Then let's hope that they succeed in their mission. (ONE presses a button.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13. EXT. ARK (A hatch in the side of the Ark slides open and the Launcher begins to emerge.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK (A humming noise begins.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: EXT. SPACE (The Launcher, a cylindrical object, drifts towards Refusis II.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. LAUNCHER (The DOCTOR, DODO, YENDOM and MONOID TWO are seated on padded seats around the tiny pod.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: EXT. SPACE (The Launcher approaches Refusis II.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. LAUNCHER (The humming stops, indicating that they have landed. Part of the wall folds into a doorway.) MONOID TWO: Out. (They slowly get to their feet and step out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19. EXT. REFUSIS II. JUNGLE (They have landed in a clearing in a luxuriant jungle. Mountains can be seen in the distance.) DODO: (Looking round.) So this is Refusis? Where's the red carpet, then? MONOID TWO: Perhaps the Refusians are hidden somewhere. If so, then we must find them. Move carefully and don't forget that I am still armed. (YENDOM heads off in one direction and the others follow. A fern nearby seems to twitch by itself ...) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. LAUNCHER ( ... as do several just outside the door of the launcher. Then, the seat next to the controls sags as if someone were sitting there. One of the levers moves, apparently of its' own accord. The door closes. A deep voice is heard within the launcher ...) VOICE: Hmm! (The lever moves the other way and the door opens again. By the open door, a fern moves again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: EXT. REFUSIS II. JUNGLE (The Launcher party are exploring the clearing.) MONOID TWO: Still no sign of life. Perhaps the audio/space research that told is of the Refusians was wrong. DOCTOR: (To MONOID TWO.) Let us return to the Launcher and send a message back to the Ark. Tell them they can make their landings quite safely. I'm sure they'll be extremely delighted to hear it. (DODO picks up the conversation as the DOCTOR wanders off.) DODO: Yes, I bet it'll take some time to get the whole of the population down here, so the sooner you get started the better, I should think. MONOID TWO: (In an amused tone.) Don't worry. It may not take as long as you think. DODO: (Suspiciously.) What do you mean? Are you up to something? (MONOID TWO glances at YENDOM who is listening in.) MONOID TWO: Er... Nnoo. (DODO continues to interrogate.) DODO: No? But you gave yourself away, didn't you? I've got a feeling that when the time comes you're not going to bring the Guardians down here at all, is that it? YENDOM: But...they promised! DODO: I don't care, I'm right, aren't I? (The DOCTOR returns.) DOCTOR: We were all wrong. This place is inhabited. Come, see for yourselves. (He leads them to a gap in the bushes.) DODO: It's a sort of a castle! (At the bottom of the valley are three buildings. The middle one is round, the others are square. Each has a spire.) MONOID TWO: Why didn't the Refusians see the Launcher arrive or make any moves to stop us? DOCTOR: Shall we find out? MONOID TWO: Proceed. (They make their way down. They are unaware that behind them a branch moves seemingly by itself...) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. REFUSIS II. CASTLE (The DOCTOR peers through the main door and cautiously enters. The others follow. The walls are lined with decorations and drapes, the floor is painted and there are doors leading off to several other rooms.) MONOID TWO: It's deserted. (A crash comes from a door in the corner.) DOCTOR: Strange. Strange indeed. (MONOID TWO opens the door and peers in.) MONOID TWO: There is no one in there. DOCTOR: How can you be so sure? MONOID TWO: They must be hiding somewhere. They are just frightened creatures. DODO: I don't like it. This place is dead weird. YENDOM: What do you mean? DODO: Oh, it's just a feeling I've got. MONOID TWO: I would like to see the faces of these Refusians. DODO: Not sure I would, if they're anything like you, I've seen enough... MONOID TWO: What the...? DODO: (Innocently.) Oh, nothing. MONOID TWO: I will challenge them like this! (It picks up a vase on a table.) DODO: Oh no! (It hurls it to the floor. It picks up some flowers and throws them about as well.) MONOID TWO: They must be in this place somewhere when they hear what I'm doing. (It picks up another vase.) DOCTOR: (Angrily.) Put that thing down! That is no way to establish friendship! MONOID TWO: The sooner they learn to respect us, the better. (Suddenly a loud voice booms around the room.) REFUSIAN: (OOV.) Your friend is right! Put it down. (They all look round in shock.) MONOID TWO: Where did that come from? YENDOM: (Pointing to a door.) I think from out there. DODO: (Pointing to the empty room.) No, it came from the direction of that room. MONOID TWO: (Looking around.) Where are you? Show yourself or I will smash this... REFUSIAN: (OOV.) I warned you! Put that down. DOCTOR: I think it comes from within this room. MONOID TWO: Nonsense. If the Refusian seeks to challenge me, I will accept it! REFUSIAN: (OOV.) You have been warned! (MONOID TWO'S arm twists back as if being forced and it puts the vase back on the table.) REFUSIAN: (OOV.) Thank you. (The flowers rise off the floor and appear to rearrange themselves into the vase.) REFUSIAN: As your friend said, I'm here in the room with you. DOCTOR: (To TWO, laughing.) You won't need that now. (He pushes the gun down.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK (MONOIDS ONE, THREE and FOUR are gathered at the base of the statue.) MONOID ONE: They must've landed by now. We should be getting a report from Two. MONOID THREE: Yes, One. (MONOID THREE waves FOUR away.) MONOID THREE: What was the plan you had for destroying the Guardians and this spaceship? MONOID ONE: A short while after we leave they will disappear in a cloud of fragmented pieces! MONOID THREE: You mean a bomb of some kind? MONOID ONE: A fission device. I had it made secretly and it is ready to be detonated at any time. MONOID THREE: But where is it? (MONOID ONE points to the top of the MONOID-headed statue. They then turn and walk away.) MONOID THREE: Excellent, One. MONOID ONE: The last place they would think of looking ... [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. ARK. MONOIDS' CHAMBER (MAHARIS is spying on the two MONOIDS with the monitor screen.) MONOID ONE: (On monitor.) ... that is if they even suspect its presence before it goes off. MONOID THREE: (On monitor.) Why should they? Then that will be the end of all human existence! (He switches off the monitor. Looking terrified, he moves off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. ARK. KITCHEN (VENUSSA and STEVEN are using the powder to create the potatoes. MAHARIS enters. The other guardians back away from him hurriedly.) MAHARIS: I... bring you news. STEVEN: (To VENUSSA.) Why does everyone back away from him? VENUSSA: Because he's one of the subject Guardians. What you'd call a collaborator. DASSUK: (To MAHARIS.) And what does your news amount to? How much can we trust you? MAHARIS: But you must! It's important! VENUSSA: (dismissively.) Go back to your masters. MAHARIS: What I have to say concerns us all. STEVEN: Perhaps we should listen. VENUSSA: No! He speaks with the voice of the Monoids. MAHARIS: No longer! They intend to betray us all, even those of us who've worked for them. STEVEN: How? MAHARIS: They plan to leave us behind when they land on Refusis. VENUSSA: Would you've expected anything else? MAHARIS: But there's more! When they go, they'll leave a device behind that will destroy the Ark and everything in it! STEVEN: (Doubtfully.) Are you sure of this? MAHARIS: Yes! I overheard One telling another Monoid. STEVEN: Do you know where the device is? MAHARIS: No. I only heard them talking, I ... I couldn't see where One pointed. DASSUK: Then somehow we shall have to find out. (They look gravely at each other.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. REFUSIS II. CASTLE (The DOCTOR is seated at the table conversing with the invisible REFUSIAN. DODO is standing by the door, looking out.) DOCTOR: And that was their aim, to land there and recreate life on this planet. REFUSIAN: (OOV.) Yes. We've known for some time of the journey of the vessel you call the Ark and we welcomed it. That is why we built places like this. DOCTOR: I see. Just to make us comfortable. I didn't think you needed places like this for yourselves. REFUSIAN: (OOV: Laughs.) No. Once we had a shape and form, something like you. Then there was a galaxy accident. A giant solar flare. Now, we no longer have a being that you can see or recognise. DOCTOR: But, er, can you see each other? REFUSIAN: (OOV.) Not even that. Oh, we can sense one other but that is all. That is why it would've been good for Refusis to be inhabited again by life and the signs of life, provided that the beings that come to take our place our peaceful. (To DODO.) Child, you are worried. DODO: I think I can hear them coming back. (The DOCTOR rises from his chair.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: EXT. REFUSIS II. JUNGLE (MONOID TWO and YENDOM move through the jungle. They pause in the clearing.) MONOID TWO: We must return to the Launcher. We must warn One and the others so that we can prepare to deal with these unseen creatures. YENDOM: We, meaning only the Monoids. When you spoke of it before you meant that only you and only your kind would make the landings, didn't you? MONOID TWO: Yendom, I do not have to account to you. YENDOM: I, I'll not let you contact them! MONOID TWO: Yendom, stay where you are! (YENDOM reaches out for the heat prod but TWO is ready and they struggle. TWO manages to throw YENDOM to the ground. YENDOM screams as the gun is fired. TWO moves off towards the Launcher.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. REFUSIS II. CASTLE (The DOCTOR and DODO have heard the scream. They look at each other and leave the castle.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: EXT. REFUSIS II. JUNGLE (They find YENDOM'S body.) DODO: What about the Monoid? Do you think he's gone back to the Launcher? REFUSIAN: We'll soon see. [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. LAUNCHER (MONOID TWO is by now trying to contact the Ark.) MONOID TWO: Refusis to the spaceship Ark. [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK (MONOID TWO'S image appears on the screen. ONE answers.) MONOID ONE: Yes Two, give us your report. Are the landings possible? [SCENE_BREAK] 32: EXT. REFUSIS II. JUNGLE. LAUNCHER LANDING SITE (TWO can be seen within the launcher...) MONOID TWO: The planet offers everything we need, but I must warn you. Listen to this carefully. ( ... but outside, several of the plants near to the Launcher begin to rustle, getting faster and closer.) MONOID TWO: When we first arrived, we exited... (Suddenly the Launcher explodes with TWO still inside it.) [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK (The monitor goes blank.) MONOID ONE: Two! Are you there? Two! Answer me! [SCENE_BREAK] 34: EXT. REFUSIS II. JUNGLE. LAUNCHER LANDING SITE (The DOCTOR and DODO Stand over the smouldering remains of the Launcher.) DODO: What will we do now? DOCTOR: Nothing, my dear. We shall just have to wait until the next party lands. DODO: (Panicked.) But what if they don't come? What if they decide to find another planet? DOCTOR: Well, in that case we shall just have to stay here.

Plan: A: Steven Taylor; Q: Who is one of the Doctor's companions? A: a generation starshipwhich; Q: What is the Doctor's ship? A: the Sun; Q: What is Earth about to fall into? A: the Monoids; Q: Who are the servants of the future humans? Summary: The Doctor and his companions Steven Taylor and Dodo Chaplet arrive some ten million years into the future, on board a generation starshipwhich is carrying the last of humanity away from an Earth that is about to fall into the Sun. However, the cold that Dodo has could prove devastating to these future humans and their servants, the Monoids.

Moira: Agghhhhhh! (Bleep) me! (Bleep) me! Johnny: What? Moira: (Bleep) me! Johnny: What? Moira: John, there's something in the bed! John: What? Moira: Something crawled up my leg and I can't see it! Johnny: What? Moira: I can't see it! Johnny: A spider? Moira: No! Something invisible like... Lice, or scabies, or... bed bugs! Johnny: Oh, we don't have bed bugs. (Knock at door) Oh, John, I can't afford to burn all my clothes! Oh, Moira, relax. (Knocking continues) Just relax. If we had lice, I'd have lice! Woman: Guess who? Deedee?! (Door creaks shut) Deedee: Hi, Momo. Moira: What the hell? Sorry. I know I should've called, but um... I just thought it'd be really fun to come see my older sister in her... new digs. You know, a little visit. Oh. Um... do you really have lice? I'd hate to contract... lice. Johnny: So, Deedee, you are... looking well. Deedee: Seaweed facials. I get one every week. But enough about me, I wanna talk about you guys. Mm. I want you to know that I... Really wanted to come and visit you when I heard about your life collapsing, but I got this really big job promotion that week and things got, you know, kinda crazy. Plus, we haven't really seen much of each other recently. Yes, well, we've had kind of a hectic year. Deedee: Well, thank goodness for the Internet! Seemed to be the only thing letting me know you two were still alive. Moira: Telephone is also amazing! You just push the buttons and say, "Hi, it's me, your deadbeat sister." Johnny: Well, it's a treat seeing you two going at it again. Kids! (Knocks on door) Come in and say hi to your aunt Deedee! Better hurry before she disappears for another decade. Deedee: (Gasps) Oh! What? Look at you guys! You've grown! Alexis: Why did I think that you were dead? Deedee: Ah, you're so sweet. Now how long has it been since we've seen each other? I think you crashed one of my pool parties with some guy you were calling "Uncle Julio." Oh! (Laughs) I remember that. All right, you guys treat yourself, okay? Buy yourself something nice. David: A hundred dollars?! Oh my goodness, wow. Alexis: Oh my God! Oh my God, I missed you! I missed you so much! I missed you so much! Oh gosh, look at that. They are sweet kids! I don't know what you were so worried about, Moira. Deedee, what are you doing here? Are you staying here at the motel? Can I... get you a room? No. God no. No, I mean... no, I... I booked myself into a junior suite at the Comfort Inn in Elmdale, thank you. This is very darling, it's just it doesn't have a gym and I'm kind of in the best shape of my life right now and I kinda wanna keep it that way. Moira: Okay. (Birds chirp) Okay, so you're saying that I would be as in shape as you are if I just fixed lights all day? Pretty much. Well... a few pull ups here and there. Okay, so you do workout. You are such a liar! (Laughing) David: Oh! Wow! Did Stevie say something funny or... ? Stevie: Grant, this is David Rose. David: Hi. He's one of our permanent guests here. Don't say that... again. Grant does repairs around here. Oh, great. He was also just trying to tell me that he got that body from just being a handyman. Well, isn't Grant just a big fat liar! (Awkward silence) Um... I gotta grab the right marette, so... My head is all over the place. She keeps distracting me. David: (Chuckles dryly) Wow. He is wearing a tight shirt! (Chuckles) So is he gonna do some repairs on your... on your undies? Who's to say he hasn't already. Wow! Great. Why, is that a problem for you? No. No. Do you. Do him. Do both. Do things. Stevie: Great. I think I might. David: Yeah. Good. Jump in. (Awkward silence) So... We should probably establish some boundaries about this whole friends with benefits thing. Okay. Yeah. No, let's do that. Let's, uh, let's put up some boundaries uh, for the infrequent benefits that our friendship has. I think that's really good. Can we do that after you screw mister fix-it or... would you like to do it now? Let's throw some boundaries up. 'Kay. Alexis and Ted: (Giggling) Alexis: Hey, Twyla. (Humming) Twyla! (Twyla continues humming) Twyla?! Twyla: (Humming) I'm so sorry. I really didn't think that was gonna hit you. That's okay. Your mom did the same thing to me this morning. Alexis: Okay. Twyla: What can I get you guys? Just coffees. Thanks. Alexis: So what's going on over there? I'm just working on something. Just a little thing for Mutt. Alexis: Oh! Is it his birthday or something? Twyla: No. Um, my dad always said, "When in doubt, say it with a song." He was a roadie with Fleetwood Mac and that was the last thing Mick Fleetwood said to him... Before the band hit him with a restraining order. So you're writing a song for Mutt then? Yeah, I'm trying to. Cute! So what, is it about... Your feelings, or is it love and... what? Ted: Are we shooting a Dateline investigative report? No... we're not. I'm just looking out for my friend. Um... honestly, Twy, ixnay on the ongsay. Because I tried it once and the guy ripped the guitar out of my hands and he just started smashing it on the ground. Granted, I'm tone deaf and he was a... He was a super angry marine, but... Just let the girl write her boyfriend a song! Okay, I know! And I'm all for it, I'm all for it. I just think it's um... I think it's a super big mistake. (Customers murmur quietly, dishes clink) (Birds chirp) (Packaging crinkles and pops, door opens and closes) Jocelyn: David! Jocelyn. Hi. Can I ask you something? Uh... that depends. How shall I put this? You strike me as the sort of person that had a hard time in high school. Thank you. Your floral top, for instance. Is there something I can help you with? Well, there's a new kid in my school and he's having a little trouble fitting in. Mm-hmm. He's also struggling with his sexuality, which I think that you may be also... What can I help you with, Jocelyn? Well, I was thinking, wouldn't it be wonderful if you could come down to the school, you know, maybe talk to him and tell him that... things only get better. The idea of me life coaching another human being should scare you. A lot. I don't... Jocelyn: I knew there was a good person in there somewhere, David. (Laughing) Oh, and honey, get the quilted; that other stuff will chafe you right up. Alexis: So this is weird. Um, today marks the longest relationship that I've ever voluntarily had with someone. Mutt: Voluntarily. Alexis: Yeah. The actual longest relationship was um... A three month affair with a Saudi prince, but for the last two months of that I was trapped in his palace trying to get to an embassy. Um, so... hey. How is it going with you and Twyla? You guys are looking cute. Uh... I don't know. Why? What's going on? (Garbage bag drops) I dunno. It... it's nothing. It's fine. Okay, if my boyfriend ever described our relationship as "fine," I think I would literally... it's just... it feels like it's run its course. Alexis: What? Mutt: And I think we've both known it for a while now. Oh. (Music plays quietly, door bells jingle) (Heels clack) Oh, give me a break. How did you find me? Well, where else is there to go? And Johnny may have told me. Thank you, Johnny. Moira, why are you making this so difficult for me? Moira: Oh... where do I start? Um, you know, I think it's best we don't go there. No, I'd like to go there. Please, take me. Fifty thousand dollars. Does that sound familiar? Yes. You gave that to me as a downpayment No! Loaned it. You gave it to me as a down payment for my buffalonian town house. We handed you the money and you said... ? Deedee: Thank you? Moira: Oh, too late. Well, Moira, considering you had over 500 million dollars in the bank, I'm a little personally offended that I didn't get more. Go away, Deedee. No. No. Not until I do what I came here to do. Didn't want to hurt your feelings, but I forgot. Moira: don't you dare. Deedee: You don't have feelings. Moira: Don't you dare. Deedee: Yes, yes. I am paying you back. It's not everything, but it's a start. (Ripping) [SCENE_BREAK] Johnny: So walk me through this... She offered you a cheque and you turned it down? Moira: She was insulting us! Moira, the woman dates dive bar owners, okay? Let her insult us! Well, I don't know whether you've noticed, but we could use the money. (Toilet flushes) You talk about bed bugs? That check could pay for fumigation. Better yet, we could move to a place that doesn't have bed bugs. I don't want her money. I want our money. She owes us! We loaned her $50,000 dollars! Johnny: We gave her $50,000 dollars, and you spent more than that on wigs that year. I don't see any one else lining up to give us cheques. Moira: Why are you taking her side? Johnny: I'm not taking her side, but she's offering us a way out and you're letting your pride get in the way. It's all I have left, John, literally. Johnny: Swallow it, Moira. Moira: I can't. Johnny: Yes, you can. And then we can buy a case of champagne to wash it down with. (Angry breath) David: So... you and Grant. How are things going? Uh... well, he asked me out for dinner tonight, so... we're gonna do that. We're gonna go for dinner, Grant and I. Yeah! Yeah, that's... Well, he seems like a really like respectable guy. Like one of those guys that has like a... Candy bowl of condoms on his bedside table or something. Stevie: Oh, hope so. Wonder what colour I'll get. David: Yeah! (Chuckles awkwardly) So I am mentoring a teen in crisis... later. That's what I'm doing. One of Jocelyn's students, so... He's being bullied because he's different, so I'm helping to change his life. Giving back, so... Stevie: Wow... David: Yeah. And on a scale of one to ten, how much are you looking forward to that? Three point five. I'm gonna leave you be because it's not everyday you get to go on a date with a guy who owns a windowless van, so... (door opens) Oh, Grant. Grant: Hi! (Door bangs shut) (Laughs awkwardly) Grant: What're you doing? You checking out p0rn again? (Fake laughs) I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. Um... Warmest regards to you both. Stevie: Best wishes. (Door closes) Such a weird dude. Yes. Yes, he is. (Floor creaks underfoot) (Loud metallic crash) (Plastic planets bounce on the floor) You must be Connor. Yeah. David: I don't know how much Mrs. Schitt has told you, but she asked me to come in and have a chat. She thinks that since we're both... new here it might be worth talking about some things like, you know, fitting in. Apparently you're having trouble fitting in. Who... who... who are... who are you? Oh, my name is David. Are you... like a doctor or something? A psychologist? Am I what? N-uh, no. So why would I talk to you? I don't know. Because your teacher is concerned that you're having trouble adjusting. So she told you to come here and... and what, help... help me? Look at you. Look at your pants. Excuse me! I am sensing a tinge of disrespect here. I'll tell you what my problem is. I'm a 16-year-old gay kid living in a town that makes me wanna throw up. The issue isn't me not fitting in. It's me not wanting to fit in. Is there anything else you wanna, you wanna help me with? No. (Awkward silence) (Birds chirp, car rumbles) (Music plays quietly) Moira: Go ahead and order whatever you want. This is on us. Deedee: Oh. They're letting you run up a long tab, are they? Moira: You see? Well, I hear the pork is very good here. The ribs, the chops, the roast... Nothing for me, thanks. Well, isn't that funny. Because Moira doesn't eat here either. But I will be eating and I just don't know whether to have the ribs or the chops, but I'm definitely ordering pork. Moira: If you mention pork one more time... Moira, um... don't you have something you wanna say to your sister? Moira: No. Oh, I'm pretty sure you do. I'm pretty sure I don't. Thank you for trying, Johnny. Truly. But like I'm just really uncomfortable right now with my older sister acting like a stubborn child. Johnny: Okay, why don't we all take a deep breath here and try and remember what's really important, okay? We are family, and we have to hang onto that. And you know as well as I do, Moira, that in times of crisis, the one thing we need to hang onto is family. Moira: Okay, okay. (Clears throat) Deedee... We appreciate you coming to this town... And offering whatever it is you're offering. Much appreciated. 'Cause seriously, I thought you were just coming here to gloat. Deedee: No, no, no. I came here in the spirit of giving and forgiving. The... the gloating thing was a bonus. Moira, go on... Deedee: Yes, go on. Moira: We need help. Please help us. Okay! I will. Hmm? Oh! I'm gonna do this for you, but mostly, I'm doing it for me. Why? Because you can't... And I can. Okay. (Pen clicks) How much are we gonna make this out for? Oh... sh... I haven't the foggiest. I couldn't... (Chuckles) I couldn't come up with a number. I mean, I... whatever you think is fair. Well, you guys gave me fifty grand, right? Yes, we gave you fifty thousand when we had the money. But I can't... I can't ask you for fifty thousand dollars. Whatever you think is the... Equivalent amount. (Pen clicking) Okay, I think I can do you... (Pen clicks) A little better than that. Okay? (Scribbling) Oh, so... unnecessary, Deedee, but thank you. Well, who's up for pork? Connor: Okay... so you're telling me your girlfriend is on a date with someone else and, instead of doing something about it, you're here talking to me, a kid who practically has no respect for you. Well, first of all, you're a little bitchy. Second of all, she is not my girlfriend. She's someone I'm occasionally having s*x with because we're bored and desperate. Ah... you're doing a friends with benefits thing with this girl. Have you not seen the 42 films they've made about it? It never works. Okay, well, movies aren't always right, all right? You'll learn that later in life. I happen to be a little bit older than you are, so... Connor: Obviously. David: Okay. Well, I think we're good here. You're gonna be okay, right? You're stable? I have a party later. Can you buy me some beer? Uh, no. Can you buy me some beer?! (Door bells jingle as door opens and closes) (Music plays quietly) Alexis: Hey! Can I grab a glass of water? Twyla: Yeah, sure. Alexis: Thank you. So how's the uh... song going? Is that... Is the song still a thing? Yeah! Do you wanna hear some of it? Um, I would love to, but I actually hate music, so... I don't think I'd be a very good judge. Twyla: You hate music? Alexis: Mm-hmm... Are we sure that Mutt likes music? 'Cause I feel like if he didn't it could be kind of... awkward. Are you feeling okay? Alexis: Um... I just don't think that... The song thing is a good idea. For, like, a lot of reasons. Um... are you sure that you wanna put yourself in such a vulnerable situation, Twy? Are you saying you don't think Mutt would like it? I don't know. I mean... I'm not sure. Maybe, but... I don't... I'm not... yeah, I'm not sure. Did you talk to Mutt? Because I know that... We've been sort of off for a while. And I've been just trying to think of things to make it better and so I'm... you know, I'm just trying to make it work. I think that you should talk to Mutt before... Breaking into song. Twyla: Thank you, Alexis. For what? Bye. (Music plays quietly) (Door opens and closes) (Crickets chirp) Twyla: In all honesty, Mutt was just a place holder. According to my tea leaves, the guy I'm suppose to marry is black, so... (Door opens and closes) David: Oh. Stevie: What and why are we drinking? David: Oh my goodness! Um, I don't know, and today, some snippy teen told me that my life was a mess, so... And I am now a single person. Stevie: Oh... So did you spend the night washing your clothes on Grant's abs? Stevie: You're funny. David: Mm-hmm. Um, Grant went to the bathroom and never came back. Stevie: Thank you. David: What? He w... he went to the bathroom and never came back? Stevie: Mm-hmm. David: Oh... So either I was stood up halfway through my date or Grant has some serious digestive issues. Twyla: Mm. David: Wow. Sounds like a real catch. Stevie: Mm-hmm... David: Um... (Taps finger) So word on teen street is that our little... Friends with benefits situation is a- Stevie: Not a good idea? David: Is a bad idea. And because I don't have any other friends here, I can't afford to lose you, so... I think it's best if we just... Stevie: Friends. David: Friends. Yup. I think that's best. Good. This is good. David: That's good, right? Stevie: That's good. Okay. Well... Warmest wishes to that. Kindest regards. David: Yeah! (Glasses clink) Twyla: Cheers! All: (Sipping) David: Whoa. Twy... Twyla: Mm... David: That's... Twyla: It's good, right? David: My eyes are tearing. Twyla: (Laughs) So this is it? After all that? And we paid for the dinner! So we lost money on the whole deal. I'll tell ya, she's gonna be embarrassed when this thing gets cashed. She will be embarrassed. She missed a zero. Moira, she missed a zero or two. I... you know what? I'm gonna call her. I'm calling her right now, that... What a cheap-ass amount! Moira: (Light clicks off) Turn your light off, John. Your sister is a cheap ass. (Sighs heavily, light clicks off) (Grumbles) Cheap ass. We're planning a surprise party for your mother. Listen to the words coming out of your mouth. Then you plan it. No! Oh, he snap-diva'd! Talk to the hand, son, because the ears are no longer working. Oh my God. Okay, that's not at all how that works.

Plan: A: Deedee; Q: What is Moira's sister's name? A: an unexpected visit; Q: What does Deedee pay? A: David; Q: Who agrees to talk to one of Jocelyn's students? Summary: Moira's estranged sister, Deedee, pays an unexpected visit, while David agrees to talk with one of Jocelyn's students about being "different".

THE MONSTER OF PELADON BY: BRIAN HAYLES PART ONE 5:30pm - 5:55pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: EXT. CITADEL (The citadel of Peladon, scene of a previous visit by the DOCTOR, is unchanged by the passage of time. Lightning and thunder still lash its turrets, walls and towers and a howling wind blows across the mountain from which it has been carved.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. MINE TUNNEL (Underneath the citadel, wide mine tunnels honeycomb the interior of the mountain. Primitive torches illuminate the dark passages as a group of four miners make their way along one of the galleries. They are dressed in a combination of fur trousers and leather tunics and their hair is almost of an afro style, streaked white like a badger. They push an incongruous piece of machinery between them. Built onto a chassis with a large balloon wheel at the front and struts at the back, it is futuristic in design with a probe within a mesh dish pointing forwards. One miner, ETTIS, leads the others as they wheel the device along.) ETTIS: Come on, lads. Come on, keep it moving. Mustn't keep our lords and masters waiting. (He points ahead.) ETTIS: Straight through the gallery. (Suddenly they hear a burbling electronic noise rising in tone and they look upwards.) ETTIS: What's that? (As they see something, a look of terror appears on their faces.) ETTIS: Aggedor! It is the spirit of Aggedor! (Two of the miners run off in a panic. The third, stood next to ETTIS, suddenly starts to cry out and falls backwards onto a rock. He screams as the electronic sound reaches a pitch, mixed together with an animal-like roar and a red glow surrounds him, totally vapourising the man. The red glow vanishes and with it the sound. Looking upwards at the roof of the gallery, ETTIS dashes off in a panic...) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. ANOTHER MINE TUNNEL (Nearby in another tunnel are two very different beings. One is a human dressed in a black leather tunic. The other is totally different in looks. Humanoid in shape, he is of a reddish hue in skin colour with shaggy red hair totally covering the bottom half of his body. His naked chest is flecked with the same hair. His head hair and beard are also red. He has large limpid eyes with a black dot in the middle for an iris and ridged cheeks and forehead. A Peladonian miner is with them and passes the human - ECKERSLEY - a lump of orange crystal. He looks at it through a jeweller's eye glass.) ECKERSLEY: Yes...it's exactly the quality we've been searching for. We're just not producing enough of it. (He gives it back to the Peladonian miner who walks off.) VEGA NEXOS: How can we? We have modern equipment but these..."primitives" refuse to use it. ECKERSLEY: Ah, they'll come round to it. At least they've agreed to use the sonic lance. VEGA NEXOS: Mmm. (Suddenly, the three panicking, escaping miners run past.) ECKERSLEY: What's going on? (ECKERSLEY grabs ETTIS who brings up the rear.) ECKERSLEY: Hey, Ettis! What's all the panic? ETTIS: It's Aggedor! ECKERSLEY: What? ETTIS: (Angrily.) It's the spirit of Aggedor! We took the sonic lance down into the mine as you ordered, and the spirit of Aggedor appeared and slew one of us for blasphemy! (Contemptuously.) Who do you think's gonna use your alien equipment now? [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. THRONE ROOM (The throne room of Peladon is also little changed since the DOCTOR last stood in there with Jo Grant. One change is that a young woman sits on the throne, dressed in purple and silver robes and with a huge purple fur collar and tiara-like crown. She is attended by a handmaiden in a long purple dress and stood over by her champion - BLOR, who is even bigger and more fearsome than Grun. He wears a large fur headdress with a horn at the front in imitation of Aggedor. At the base of the throne, whose steps are now covered in furs, stands the bearded form of the High Priest and Chancellor of Peladon. ORTRON is dressed in similar robes to Hepesh and he, the Queen and the handmaiden have the typical white hair with red streaks of the nobility of Peladon. An audience is taking place. ECKERSLEY and VEGA NEXOS stand before the throne with a very familiar figure - that of the yellow and green, one-eyed ALPHA CENTAURI. ORTRON speaks accusingly to the three aliens...) ORTRON: One of our people has been killed. The miners are terrified and refuse to work. What explanation do you offer us? ECKERSLEY: It's not up to me to explain, is it? According to the miners it was the spirit of Aggedor - whatever that's supposed to mean. ORTRON: (Angrily.) Do not blaspheme, alien! (ALPHA CENTAURI twitters forward...) ALPHA CENTAURI: I'm sure no disrespect was intended, Lord Chancellor. (VEGA NEXOS approaches the throne to speak direct to the Queen - THALIRA.) VEGA NEXOS: Your Majesty, we people of the planet Vega are a practical race of mining engineers. We do not propose to accept that this unfortunate incident was brought about by supernatural means. THALIRA: (Coldly.) The miners of Peladon say that Aggedor appeared to them. VEGA NEXOS: Your Majesty, your miners are primitive and superstitious. ORTRON: Then what is your explanation? VEGA NEXOS: Sabotage. ORTRON: And where are these saboteurs? ECKERSLEY: Yes, well sabotage or spooks, the end result's the same. We had just about persuaded your miners to accept the use of the sonic lance and now they won't touch any of the modern equipment. THALIRA: The use of the sonic lance is essential to you? ECKERSLEY: (Warmly.) Oh yes, your Majesty. It will increase the output tenfold. THALIRA: Could you arrange an immediate demonstration of the sonic lance? ORTRON: Your Majesty...! THALIRA: (Interrupts.) If our people see that we have faith in your technology, it may help to calm their fears. VEGA NEXOS: Of course, your Majesty. We will arrange it immediately. ALPHA CENTAURI: Allow me to thank your Majesty on behalf of the Federation. A most helpful gesture! The sooner we can achieve full production of trisilicate, the sooner we can bring this dreadful war to a successful conclusion. THALIRA: (Smiles.) Thank you, Ambassador. The audience is at an end. (The three aliens bow...) ALPHA CENTAURI: Thank you, your Majesty. ECKERSLEY: Your Majesty. (...and leave. ORTRON watches them go and then turns to the young Queen.) ORTRON: Your Majesty, I must protest! I can control this situation. I do not want you exposed to danger. THALIRA: You know as well as I, Ortron, it was my father's dream to see Peladon a civilised planet - a full member of the Federation. He signed the treaty - we must honour it. ORTRON: I intend that we should do so. Well from the day Chancellor Hepesh died, I served your father loyally. I worked for the things he believed in - progress, civilisation, the Federation. Now there is war with Galaxy Five and our people have to make sacrifices. THALIRA: Yes, but in quarrel not their own. ORTRON: We have to accept the duties of Federation membership, as well as the benefits. [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. TEMPLE OF AGGEDOR (ORTRON stands before the statue of Aggedor in the temple, his arms raised before the idol.) ORTRON: Oh, mighty Aggedor, make known your will! Do not seek vengeance on your servants. (He turns to the font-like bowl behind him from which flames flicker. He throws a small pellet into this and a flare of smoke and flame bursts upwards.) ORTRON: Let your judgment fall on those who have truly offended thee. (He throws in another piece of the flaring substance.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. TUNNEL (A patrolling guard makes his way down a tunnel. Suddenly, he hears the sound of the TARDIS materialising and looks round in alarm. He ducks into hiding behind a rock and watches as the blue police box solidifies in the cramped tunnel, its light flashing as it does so. The door opens and the DOCTOR, dressed in a green smoking jacket and green frilly shirt, walks out.) DOCTOR: The citadel of Peladon, Sarah. One of the most interesting and... (He stops dead as he sees their less than welcoming surroundings. SARAH, dressed in a black leather jacket over a patterned jumper, black trousers and silver boots is right behind him and instantly takes in the fact that the DOCTOR'S latest promise has not been kept to.) SARAH: Oh no, it isn't - is it, Doctor? DOCTOR: Well, no, not exactly. SARAH: No, it's not your precious citadel at all. It's another rotten gloomy old tunnel! (The DOCTOR closes the TARDIS doors.) DOCTOR: Yes, well, with the scanner still on the blink, there was no way I could really check. SARAH: There's more than the scanner on the blink. (The DOCTOR locks the TARDIS and pockets the key.) DOCTOR: Come on, let's go and see where we are. (They walk off down the tunnel. The guard comes out of hiding, watches them go and heads off back in the direction he came from.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. ANOTHER TUNNEL (The DOCTOR leads SARAH down another tunnel.) DOCTOR: Well, I think my spatial coordinates must have slipped a bit too. (He looks around and stops.) DOCTOR: We may not actually be in the citadel, Sarah, but we're very close to it. SARAH: We are? DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, the citadel is built on a mountain, you see, and the mountain is honeycombed with tunnels like this. Come on. (He starts to lead off but SARAH stays where she is.) SARAH: We couldn't just get back in the TARDIS and go home? (He comes back to her.) DOCTOR: Oh, have a heart, Sarah. I've been meaning to pay a return visit to Peladon for ages. SARAH: Oh. I can't think why. DOCTOR: Come along, Sarah Jane. (She laughs and follows him.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. MINE TUNNEL (ECKERSLEY is back in the mine tunnel with the device that was abandoned by the miners. As he works on it, he is closely watched by ETTIS and another older miner - GEBEK. VEGA NEXOS and other miners are also there for the demonstration of the sonic lance. A royal procession is led into the mine tunnel. ORTRON leads the way...) ORTRON: This way, your Majesty. (...as THALIRA, BLOR and two guards walk behind him. ECKERSLEY continues his work but the two miners stand as the Queen nears. GEBEK kneels before her and salutes her.) GEBEK: We are honoured by your presence, your Majesty. THALIRA: And we are grateful for yours, Gebek. (She signals to him to stand.) THALIRA: Can you persuade your miners to overcome their fears and use the new Federation tools? GEBEK: The demonstration will help, your Majesty, but there has been a death. Ettis here was... (An excitable ETTIS jumps forward and also kneels in supplication.) ETTIS: I beg of you, your Majesty! Do not permit this blasphemy! I have seen the wrath of Aggedor! VEGA NEXOS: (Calmly.) You have seen enemy spies - agents from Galaxy Five sent here to cause trouble. GEBEK: (To THALIRA and ORTRON.) One of the guards was telling some wild story. He said he saw more aliens, appearing as if by magic in the tunnels. (ORTRON turns to the guards behind him.) ORTRON: Guard. (They step forward.) GEBEK: Since Aggedor's appearance there have been many such stories, your Majesty. ORTRON: (To the GUARD CAPTAIN.) There are alien spies in the tunnels - enemies of the Federation and of Peladon. They must be found and destroyed. GUARD CAPTAIN: My lord. (The guards move off to carry out the command.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. TUNNEL (A cynical SARAH follows the DOCTOR through another tunnel. He is looking far less sure than he was of their way. SARAH tries little to hide her amusement.) SARAH: Well, Doctor? (The DOCTOR looks round.) DOCTOR: This way, I think. (He starts to walk off.) SARAH: We're lost. DOCTOR: Mislaid possibly. SARAH: (Whines.) Oh, why don't we just go back to the TARDIS? DOCTOR: Look, for two good reasons; one, that I don't want to leave Peladon without having a word with my good friend, the king... SARAH: Name dropper... DOCTOR: And second... SARAH: What? DOCTOR: We are lost. Come on. (SARAH rolls her eyes, grunts in frustration and follows him.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. MINE TUNNEL (ECKERSLEY stands from his preparation on the sonic lance. ALPHA CENTAURI has joined them.) ECKERSLEY: Your Majesty, everything is prepared. May we begin? THALIRA: Please? (ECKERSLEY turns to his fellow-miner.) ECKERSLEY: Nexos? (VEGA NEXOS goes to the controls of the sonic lance whose probes points at a rock wall. ECKERSLEY indicates this.) ECKERSLEY: If you will just keep your eyes on that section of the wall over there. (VEGA NEXOS turns two dials and presses a series of switches. A central column on the sonic lance starts to glow and a humming sound rises. Across the tunnel, the section of the wall indicated starts to ripple and shimmer. The central column of the lance and the probe glow red as the power reaches its peak and the next moment a circular hole is blasted in the wall of the tunnel, creating a small smoking cave filled with seams of trisilicate beyond. A wide-eyed THALIRA looks impressed.) ECKERSLEY: There we are, your Majesty - direct access to the main seam within a matter of moments. Now that would take us weeks to do a job like that by hand. (Suddenly, the same burbling electronic and roaring sound that was heard in the tunnel starts to emit from the newly-created cave. The Peladonians, nobles and miners, all react with shock. VEGA NEXOS walks past them and towards the cave.) VEGA NEXOS: Do not be afraid! Do not be afraid - it is trickery! There is nothing to fear! (He steps into the circular cave mouth. ECKERSLEY, his composure gone, looks strangely perturbed.) ECKERSLEY: Don't be a fool...come back! (Suddenly, a red glow appears in the mouth of the cave and VEGA NEXOS is thrown back with a scream. As he lies still on the ground, the red glow fades and with it, the body of NEXOS. Panic erupts among the miners and once more they start to run off with only GEBEK remaining behind. ETTIS remains long enough to shout angrily at THALIRA and ORTRON...) ETTIS: It is the curse of Aggedor! Now will you believe?! (He runs off, leaving a shocked THALIRA, ORTRON and BLOR looking down at the spot where NEXOS disappeared...) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. TUNNEL (The DOCTOR turns a corner in the tunnel that he and SARAH are in. He looks ahead and turns to his companion with a smile.) DOCTOR: Cheer up, Sarah. We're nearly there. I recognise this tunnel. (An unimpressed SARAH stops and feels her sore foot.) SARAH: As far as I'm concerned, Doctor, a tunnel is a tunnel is a tun... (She is interrupted by a yell from down the tunnel.) GUARD CAPTAIN: (OOV.) Come on here, lads, down this way! SARAH: What was that? DOCTOR: Well, that'll be the palace guard. We'll be alright now. SARAH: Oh, well, let's not be rash, mm? (The Peladonian guards come into view down the tunnel and the CAPTAIN points at the DOCTOR and SARAH.) GUARD CAPTAIN: There they are! Kill them! (SARAH screams and runs off.) SARAH: Doctor, come on, quick! (The DOCTOR hesitate only a moment and runs after her.) DOCTOR: Sarah! Sarah! (Pursued by the CAPTAIN and two guards, they quickly reach the end of the tunnel.) SARAH: We're trapped! (The DOCTOR sees a lit torch in its bracket on the wall.) DOCTOR: Oh no, we're not - look. (Remembering his last visit, he pulls the bracket down on its pivot and the rock wall door opens.) DOCTOR: Go on, in you go. [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. TEMPLE OF AGGEDOR (SARAH gasps in some amazement at the purple-rock interior. The DOCTOR adjusts the internal torch bracket to close the door and smiles at the familiar surroundings. SARAH looks up at the huge statue of Aggedor eerily lit by small torches.) DOCTOR: The temple of Aggedor, in the citadel of Peladon. SARAH: (Defensively.) I believed you! (SARAH gets her breath.) SARAH: No, it is...very impressive, Doctor. But what about those guards? I thought you said they were friendly here? DOCTOR: Well, there must have been a misunderstanding - probably startled. SARAH: Oh. (The DOCTOR stands before the statue.) DOCTOR: Ah, look at old Aggedor. There he is, bless him! SARAH: He doesn't look very lovable to me. DOCTOR: Ah, that's just a statue. You wait till you've seen the real animal. SARAH: The real animal? DOCTOR: Yes, didn't I tell you about my first visit to Peladon? SARAH: Oh, no, not properly. DOCTOR: Well, Peladon was just on the point of entering the galactic Federation, you see, when suddenly they started having this trouble... SARAH: Not now, Doctor. DOCTOR: Oh, of course, if you don't want to hear about it... SARAH: It's not that, Doctor. I think we're about to have some trouble of our own. (She looks over his shoulder. The GUARD CAPTAIN and a number of his men have followed them through the secret door and stand with swords drawn.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. THRONE ROOM (The DOCTOR and SARAH are led into the empty throne room. SARAH tries to hide her concern.) DOCTOR: Don't worry, Sarah. As soon as King Peladon turns up... GUARD CAPTAIN: Silence! [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. PASSAGE OUTSIDE THRONE ROOM (From outside the throne room, ORTRON leads THALIRA, her handmaiden and BLOR sweeping in.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. THRONE ROOM (The DOCTOR looks for a familiar face and sees the huge shape of BLOR with some concern. THALIRA takes her place on the throne and then the guards push the DOCTOR and SARAH forward and onto their knees.) ORTRON: Aliens - you are accused both of sacrilege and of sabotage. Do you confess? SARAH: No, we don't! I don't know what you're ta... ORTRON: (Interrupts.) Silence! I addressed your master. (SARAH tries to jump to her feet...) SARAH: He is not my master! (...but is pushed back down. ORTRON looks haughtily down at her and then at the DOCTOR.) ORTRON: Well, alien? (The DOCTOR gets to his feet quietly.) DOCTOR: May I first know whom I have the honour of addressing? ORTRON: I am Ortron - High Priest and Chancellor. (He looks at the young woman on the throne.) ORTRON: This is her Majesty, Queen Thalira of Peladon. (The DOCTOR makes a low bow but then looks puzzled.) DOCTOR: Your Majesty. But, er, where is King Peladon? THALIRA: (Surprised.) He was my father. He died when I was a child. DOCTOR: Oh, I see. (To SARAH.) That explains a great deal. ORTRON: Alien - name those who sent you and your life may be spared. DOCTOR: Yes, yes, in a moment, old chap. Your Majesty, I... (The DOCTOR steps nearer to the throne but two guards bar his way with sword and a pike. SARAH gasps. The DOCTOR hesitates and then brushes the weapons aside contemptuously.) DOCTOR: Your Majesty, your father and I were very good friends before you were born. I am the Doctor. THALIRA: (Smiles.) But I have heard stories of the Doctor - ever since I was a child. ORTRON: (To THALIRA.) Everyone on Peladon knows the story of the Doctor - what better disguise for an alien spy and saboteur? DOCTOR: You really are a suspicious fellow, aren't you? (Suddenly, ALPHA CENTAURI bursts into the throne room.) ALPHA CENTAURI: Your Majesty, I cannot tell you how shocked I was to hear... (All turn to face the new arrival. Only SARAH reacts with shock...) SARAH: Doctor! What's that? DOCTOR: The answer to all our troubles, Sarah. ALPHA CENTAURI: (Amazed.) Doctor?! DOCTOR: Alpha Centauri! (The DOCTOR steps forward with delight and shakes one of ALPHA CENTAURI'S six hands.) ALPHA CENTAURI: It is! It's the Doctor! DOCTOR: Alpha Centauri, my dear fellah, what a very well-timed entrance. (The hysterical hexapod circles the DOCTOR, looking him over and screeching in amazement...) ALPHA CENTAURI: It's like a miracle, Doctor! All these years and you haven't changed a bit! DOCTOR: Neither have you, my dear fellah. A touch of grey around the tentacles perhaps, but still the same old Alpha. ORTRON: (Snaps.) Ambassador! (ALPHA CENTAURI faces the throne.) ALPHA CENTAURI: Oh, forgive me, your Majesty! THALIRA: Ambassador, we take it that these aliens are known to you? ALPHA CENTAURI: Er, not the... (CENTAURI looks SARAH over and looks at the DOCTOR for confirmation of the correct term to use.) ALPHA CENTAURI: Female? (The DOCTOR nods as the smile disappears off SARAH'S face.) ALPHA CENTAURI: (To THALIRA.) Not the female, your Majesty. Still, she's of no importance... (Now SARAH looks really furious as the DOCTOR puts a hand to his mouth to hide his smile.) ALPHA CENTAURI: But this is most certainly the Doctor - a good friend of your father, and of Peladon. ORTRON: (To THALIRA.) The past history of this alien is irrelevant. ALPHA CENTAURI: I'm sure there has been a misunderstanding, your Majesty. I am prepared to vouch for the Doctor. THALIRA: Very well. The charges will be suspended and the aliens released into your custody, Ambassador... (ORTRON leaps forward in protest.) ORTRON: Your Majesty! (The Queen puts up a hand to stop him.) THALIRA: But...we shall expect a full report of their behaviour - and of their presence on Peladon. (CENTAURI bows.) ALPHA CENTAURI: Of course, your Majesty. Thank you, your Majesty. SARAH: Well I don't think that's good enough. (To THALIRA.) What about an apology for the... (She steps towards the throne but the DOCTOR yanks her back.) DOCTOR: Sarah! ALPHA CENTAURI: Doctor, come with me, please. (CENTAURI leads the DOCTOR towards the door. SARAH is left behind.) SARAH: Hey! ALPHA CENTAURI: (To the DOCTOR.) You may bring the female. DOCTOR: (To SARAH, quietly.) Come on. SARAH: Thanks! (A guard shoves SARAH after the DOCTOR and CENTAURI and the three leave the room. ORTRON turns to the Queen.) ORTRON: Your Majesty, it is not wise to trust this alien. Even if he is the Doctor, he was the one who persuaded King Peladon to join the Federation and caused our present troubles. Now why has he come here again? (The Queen stands up angrily.) THALIRA: We shall not learn the Doctor's plans by having him executed, Ortron. (She walks out of the room followed by BLOR.) THALIRA: If he is our enemy, he will soon betray himself. (A narrow-eyed ORTRON watches them go.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. TUNNEL (GEBEK makes his way down a tunnel followed by ETTIS and some other miners.) ETTIS: Gebek, for the last time, listen to me. Even if you do speak to the Queen, it will do no good. She and Ortron are puppets of the Federation. GEBEK: We must try! ETTIS: If talks fail, Gebek, we fight. GEBEK: There will be no fighting. Now, you will all wait for me here. When I've spoken to the Queen, we'll talk again. (He walks off. ETTIS watches him go with a shake of the head.) ETTIS: Gebek's a good man, but he's too patient. (The other miners mutter in agreement.) ETTIS: We'll give him time to get clear, then, while he talks, we'll fight! [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. PASSAGE (ALPHA CENTAURI leads the DOCTOR and SARAH down one of the torch-filled passages of the citadel.) SARAH: Well, I'm sorry, Doctor, but I don't see why I should put up with it. And as for your friend here - "The female is of no importance", indeed! DOCTOR: Oh, I thought that would rankle a bit. SARAH: Well? DOCTOR: Actually, you owe...Alpha Centauri a very great deal of gratitude. Without him you'd have been lucky to have got out of there alive. They go in for rough justice here on Peladon you know? Chop off your head and apologise afterwards. SARAH: Yes, well, if you hadn't...missed the target by about five hundred yards and fifty years, we wouldn't be in this. DOCTOR: Yes, that's a point. (As they move off, one of the wall tapestries behind them suddenly moves and ETTIS looks out from one of the many secret entrances into the citadel. He looks round to check that the coast is clear and then signals to the other miners to follow him into the passage. Armed with primitive weapons, they move out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. PASSAGE OUTSIDE THRONE ROOM (A guard follows GEBEK down another passage towards the throne room from where ORTRON steps out.) ORTRON: Gebek, you know the citadel is forbidden to those of your kind. GEBEK: Reserved - for you and your high and mighty nobles...and our real masters, the Federation aliens, of course. ORTRON: Do not be insolent, Gebek. You may have a little authority amongst your miners but you are still one of them. Why did you come here? GEBEK: I must speak with the Queen. ORTRON: You should have requested an audience. GEBEK: Things are too urgent for that. I must speak with the Queen now - for the good of all Peladon! (ORTRON considers.) ORTRON: Very well. (He leads GEBEK into the throne room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. THRONE ROOM (THALIRA is speaking with her handmaiden but resumes her throne as ORTRON approaches and bows.) ORTRON: The miner, Gebek, your Majesty. (GEBEK bows on one knee.) GEBEK: Forgive this intrusion, your Majesty. THALIRA: (Puzzled.) Gebek, why have you come here? GEBEK: (Passionately.) To beg you to send the Federation aliens home! [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. PASSAGE OUTSIDE ARMOURY (A guard patrols the passage outside the armoury. The entrance to this is a pair of huge wooden doors. As he paces back and forth, ETTIS and another miner sneak up behind him before he turns and hide in an alcove. The guard turns back in his pacing and the two hidden miners jump out and pull the guard to the ground.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. COMMUNICATIONS ROOM (The DOCTOR and SARAH have been taken to the Federation communications room. This room is far more advanced in style than anything else on Peladon. Lit by electric light, it has a communications console on the right hand side and several other large banks of equipment with controls and monitors on the left. The walls are covered with charts and diagrams and there are comfortable modern leather seats in the room in contrast to the wooden furniture in the rest of the citadel. ECKERSLEY has joined the three in there.) DOCTOR: Well, it seems to me, Eckersley, the Federation has brought a lot of its troubles on itself. ALPHA CENTAURI: That is unfair, Doctor. There have been many difficulties. DOCTOR: Look, it's fifty years now since Peladon joined the Galactic Federation, and what have the miners got to show for it? Harder work for the same rewards. ALPHA CENTAURI: Peladon is a feudal society, Doctor. The court is resistant to any change. ECKERSLEY: And we have got to step up the production of trisilicate. It's essential to our war effort. DOCTOR: (Puzzled.) Yes, well that's another thing that concerns me - this war. I thought the Federation was dedicated to peace? ECKERSLEY: So it is, Doctor. ALPHA CENTAURI: But we were the victims of a vicious and unprovoked attack - by the forces of Galaxy Five. DOCTOR: Well have you tried to negotiate? ALPHA CENTAURI: Many times! They refuse to listen. SARAH: Well, what's so important about this trisilicate stuff? ECKERSLEY: Our whole technology is based on it - electronic circuitry, heat shields, inert microcell fibres, radionic crystals and whoever the tru...supply of trisilicate will win this war. SARAH: And you think someone's trying to stop you getting it? ECKERSLEY: That's what Vega Nexos thought - saboteurs, agents from Galaxy Five. DOCTOR: It's possible, I suppose? ECKERSLEY: Then how did they get here, where are they now and how are they staying undetected? (An alarm suddenly sounds. On an illuminated wall chart behind them, a red light begins to glow behind a box marked "ARMOURY".) SARAH: Well, what's all that about? (ECKERSLEY switches on a monochrome monitor. This shows the scene outside the armoury where the attacking miners are desperately prising the huge wooden doors.) ECKERSLEY: Well, well, well... [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. PASSAGE OUTSIDE ARMOURY (The rebel miners succeed in pulling the wooden doors open - only to reveal a metallic pair of advanced doors behind them.) ETTIS: Alien work! (He turns to one of the miners - PREBA.) ETTIS: In case we can't break it down, Preba, you go and find an alien to open it for us. (PREBA runs off on his errand as ETTIS and the others start to hack uselessly at the metal door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. COMMUNICATIONS ROOM (The four in the communications room continue to watch the silent image.) SARAH: (To ECKERSLEY.) You don't seem very worried. ECKERSLEY: They're wasting their time. Solid duralinium that door. Triple security, electronic lock, remotely controlled from here. ALPHA CENTAURI: Just as well. All the modern weapons on the planet are stored there. SARAH: You'll be in trouble if they do get through. ECKERSLEY: They won't. When Ortron realises what's going on, he'll send some guards to finish them off. (The DOCTOR looks perturbed at this but SARAH is more vocal.) SARAH: Oh, for heaven's sake, man! You just gonna sit there and watch them get cut down? Well can't you stop it? (The DOCTOR heads quietly for the door.) ECKERSLEY: I've told you before - local politics are not my concern. (At the doorway, the DOCTOR suddenly steps back into the room at the point of PREBA'S sword.) DOCTOR: I think you'll find that they are. ECKERSLEY: What? (The three look up and see the intruder.) ALPHA CENTAURI: Oh! SARAH: Doc.. ECKERSLEY: What are you doing here? PREBA: Alien, you will come with me and open the armoury door for us. ECKERSLEY: Not a chance! PREBA: Move! (He jabs his sword towards ECKERSLEY, CENTAURI and SARAH. As PREBA moves towards them, SARAH and CENTAURI jump out of the way.) SARAH: Doctor! (The DOCTOR signals to SARAH to remain calm while PREBA concentrates his threats - and the point of his sword - at ECKERSLEY.) PREBA: You will open the armoury, alien, or you will die! (ECKERSLEY looks down at the sword for a moment...) PREBA: Move! (...and then heads for the door. Going past the DOCTOR, PREBA points the sword in warning at him and he raises his arms in a gesture of surrender...only to grab PREBA'S sword arm as he passes and yank it back behind him.) SARAH: Ah, Doctor! (ECKERSLEY leaps forward and grabs the sword from PREBA'S securely held arm.) ECKERSLEY: Thanks. (He points the sword at PREBA and glances at the DOCTOR in admiration.) ECKERSLEY: Pretty handy, aren't you? ALPHA CENTAURI: You see the dangers we face, Doctor? Peladon is still a barbarous and primitive planet! DOCTOR: When miners have to take up arms to protect their rights, they probably have their reasons. Now I'd like to know what those reasons are. ECKERSLEY: He won't talk to you. These people are fanatics, Doctor. DOCTOR: Right then, let's see what he has to say to Queen Thalira. (To PREBA.) Come on. (He pushes PREBA towards the door. ECKERSLEY leads the miner out at sword point. The DOCTOR looks back at CENTAURI and SARAH.) DOCTOR: You two - stay here. (He follows ECKERSLEY and their captive out.) ALPHA CENTAURI: Oh, I'm glad. Violence is distressing for... (CENTAURI swings round and almost touches SARAH who flinches back with a small cry. She immediately feels guilty for her reaction.) SARAH: I'm sorry. (CENTAURI looks down sadly.) ALPHA CENTAURI: I believe that human beings sometimes find the appearance of my species rather frightening. Yet I assure you, we are an amiable and peace-loving race. (SARAH walks forward, keen to make amends.) SARAH: Oh, I'm...I am sorry. I didn't mean to be rude. I...I'm just a bit jumpy, hmm? Okay? (CENTAURI looks at SARAH who smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. THRONE ROOM (In the throne room, ORTRON has lost his temper with GEBEK...) ORTRON: Your rulers have decided to support the Federation! It is not for you to question our decision. GEBEK: (Shouts.) My people have had enough of the Federation and its commands - there will be armed rebellion! THALIRA: (Shocked.) Gebek! Would you rebel against me? GEBEK: (Gently.) Your Majesty, I am loyal to the throne. ORTRON: Gebek, order your miners to return to their work. (The GUARD CAPTAIN runs in, bows on one knee and reports...) GUARD CAPTAIN: Your Majesty, Lord Ortron - the miners have attacked the Federation armoury. They escaped into the tunnels. ORTRON: The miners? GEBEK: The armoury? (The DOCTOR walks in.) DOCTOR: Not all of them, your Majesty. THALIRA: Doctor? (The DOCTOR gestures to the doorway where ECKERSLEY leads PREBA in at sword point.) GEBEK: Preba? What have you done? ORTRON: So, Gebek, now we have the truth of it! GEBEK: (To THALIRA.) Your Majesty, I knew nothing of this. ORTRON: It is too late for your lies, Gebek! You came here and distracted our attention so they could attack! GEBEK: (To PREBA.) I ordered you to wait in the tunnels. ORTRON: (To the guards.) Take them both away! GEBEK: But your Majesty...! DOCTOR: Now just one moment, I brought this man here to talk to the Queen. ORTRON: Be silent, Doctor! The Queen has listened to enough traitors. (He approaches the throne.) ORTRON: They have invaded the citadel and carried arms against your Majesty. The law demands their execution! (To the guards.) Take them away! (The DOCTOR and GEBEK attack one of the guards with karate chops and punches respectively. In the confusion, PREBA makes his escape. GEBEK is quick to follow. The GUARD CAPTAIN is about to follow but the DOCTOR pulls back the pikestaff that he carries, pulling the man himself to the floor. He quickly gets back to his feet and he and his two fellow guards surround the DOCTOR with their weapons raised.) ORTRON: So, Doctor...since you are in league with the rebels and have helped them escape, you shall die in their place! DOCTOR: You really are remarkably ungrateful, aren't you? ORTRON: What gratitude do we owe you? DOCTOR: I've just saved you from a serious political mistake. (To THALIRA.) May I address your Majesty? THALIRA: You may. Lord Ortron? (ORTRON steps back and the guards raise their weapons. The DOCTOR approaches the steps of the throne.) DOCTOR: Your Majesty, as you know, the miners are already on the point of armed rebellion. Now how would they react if their leader was killed...by the Queen's guards? He would become a martyr - a figurehead for a people's revolution. Revolution and civil war, your Majesty - unless you allow me to help you. THALIRA: But how can you help us? DOCTOR: By proving my belief...that the appearances of Aggedor are caused by trickery. (THALIRA glances sharply at ORTRON and then considers.) THALIRA: Very well. (ORTRON, his face stormy, turns away.) THALIRA: We will trust you, Doctor - for the present. Captain? (The GUARD CAPTAIN and his men step away.) DOCTOR: Thank you, your Majesty. Erm, I'd like to begin by inspecting where Aggedor last appeared, so if someone could show me the way? THALIRA: The Queen's champion will escort you. DOCTOR: Thank you. (BLOR steps forward. He towers over the DOCTOR who swallows nervously.) DOCTOR: Yes, splendid. (Smiles.) Well, after you, old chap. (BLOR walks towards the throne room door. The DOCTOR follows, the smile disappearing off his face. ORTRON watches them go and then bows to the Queen with ill grace.) ORTRON: Your Majesty. (He leaves the throne room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. PASSAGE OUTSIDE THRONE ROOM (The GUARD CAPTAIN is waiting outside.) ORTRON: Send out patrols into the mines and caves. I want Gebek, and anyone with him, captured...or killed. [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. MINE TUNNEL (ETTIS is burying several sticks of explosives in the sandy soil of the tunnel near to the circular man-made entrance to the cave. With a smile of his face, he starts to reel the wire away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. COMMUNICATIONS ROOM (ECKERSLEY is demonstrating on SARAH with the sword what occurred in the throne room as she and CENTAURI listen.) ECKERSLEY: And with that, off they went to take a look at the cavern. (He hands the sword to her. She smiles ruefully.) SARAH: Oh, great! Leaving me to hang about and twiddle my thumbs - as usual. ECKERSLEY: I'll say one thing for your friend the Doctor, he's got quite a knack of talking himself out of trouble. SARAH: Mmm, just as long as he hasn't talked himself into a whole lot more. [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. MINE TUNNEL (His preparations complete, ETTIS watches from hiding as the mute BLOR gestures inside the cave entrance and grunts. The DOCTOR looks through the hole.) DOCTOR: Oh, so this is it, is it? (BLOR grunts again, nods and gestures inside the hole.) DOCTOR: Alright, let's take a look inside. (He walks in but BLOR grunts in alarm and gestures for him to come back. The DOCTOR steps back.) DOCTOR: Well, don't tell me that you're frightened, a big chap like you. Come on. (He goes back inside.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. CAVE (The DOCTOR shines a small torch on the walls of trisilicate as BLOR gingerly follows him.) DOCTOR: No wonder the Federation was so keen to mine. (He steps further in and looks at the glowing orange seams of the mineral.) DOCTOR: A typical trisilicate vein that. [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. MINE TUNNEL (ETTIS moves back down the mine tunnel to where another miner is connecting the explosives wire to a detonator.) ETTIS: One of the aliens has just entered the cave with the Queen's champion. We must sacrifice them both. (He joins him in fixing up the detonator.) [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. CAVE (The DOCTOR examines a piece of trisilicate.) DOCTOR: Yeah, very high grade too. And you say the light that killed Vega Nexos came from in here? (BLOR nods and grunts.) DOCTOR: Then there should be some trace. (He starts to look round the cave.) [SCENE_BREAK] 32: INT. MINE TUNNEL (GEBEK walks up to ETTIS and the miner as they complete their preparations.) GEBEK: What are you doing? ETTIS: I'm restoring the holy mountain, to appease the spirit of Aggedor! (He turns the switch on the detonator and the cave mouth is racked by a huge explosion.) [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. CAVE (Within, the DOCTOR holds up his arms in protection as part of the roof starts to come down.) [SCENE_BREAK] 34: INT. MINE TUNNEL (Outside, the entire cave entrance collapses.) [SCENE_BREAK] 35: INT. CAVE (The DOCTOR lies on the floor of the cave with his hands covering his head for protection. He is covered by sand and soil. He gets to his feet as he hears BLOR grunting.) DOCTOR: Blor, are you alright? (The Queen's champion lies on the floor nearby along the debris of the rocks. The DOCTOR helps him up.) DOCTOR: Come on. That's it. (Suddenly, the cave is filled with a rising burbling electronic sound and a red, ghostly, still image of Aggedor materialises against a far wall. The DOCTOR looks surprised but BLOR screams in terror at the apparition. The DOCTOR silently mouths "What the blazes is that" as the eyes of the spirit glow and a stream of red-hot heat and smoke pours from its mouth as it floats towards them. BLOR is surrounded by a red glow and he screams in agony as he falls to the ground, then fades away along with the glow from the spirit of Aggedor...)

Plan: A: Peladon; Q: What is the name of the planet? A: "The Curse of Peladon; Q: What was the name of the episode that took place 50 years before this one? A: Sarah; Q: Who is the Doctor's companion in this episode? A: Queen Thalira; Q: Who has inherited the throne? A: The Federation; Q: Who is at war with Galaxy Five? A: the mineral Trisilicate; Q: What mineral does the Federation need to end the war? A: the miners; Q: Who is refusing to work? A: Ettis; Q: Who is the leader of the miners? A: Aggedor; Q: Who is the ghost of the loyal beast? A: Miners; Q: Who is being killed off? A: a holographic projection; Q: What is the ghost of Aggedor? A: Commander Azaxyr; Q: Who is the leader of the renegade Ice Warriors? A: traitorous federation mining engineer Eckersley; Q: Who is the traitorous federation mining engineer? Summary: Returning to the medieval planet Peladon (50 years after "The Curse of Peladon") The Doctor and Sarah find King Peladon's daughter Queen Thalira has inherited the throne and the galactic Federation is at war with Galaxy Five and The Federation requires the mineral Trisilicate that will end the war. Only to discover the miners led by the mad rebel Ettis are rebelling and refusing to work, as the ghost of the loyal best Aggedor is frightening and killing off Miners, only to discover the ghost of Aggedor is a holographic projection and the culprits are a task-force of renegade Ice Warriors led by Commander Azaxyr and traitorous federation mining engineer Eckersley who have betrayed the Federation to Galaxy Five.

[Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe walks in and goes over to her assistant.] Phoebe: Good morning. Any phone calls? Assistant: Take your pick. We've got adulterers, cross-dressers, thirty-four year old virgins, and, oh, your nephew. Phoebe: Oh, Chris called? Assistant: No, Wyatt. Um, actually, I think Piper did the dialling, but. You have another nephew? Phoebe: Um, no, uh, but-but, you know, maybe some day I will. You know what I mean? Okay. (Phoebe goes into her office and Chris there. She gets a fright.) Chris: Phoebe, I need your help. Phoebe: I've been calling for you all week. Didn't you hear me? Chris: For the first couple of days, yeah. Then I put you on mute. Phoebe: You can put me on mute? Chris: I had to, I was busy. Now, I need your help. Phoebe: Oh, yeah, and I need yours too, because you come here, you drop this bombshell on me, and you expect me to keep this secret? And I don't even know why I'm keeping the secret. Chris: Nobody can find out Piper and Leo are my parents. It can mess with the whole future. Phoebe: Yeah, well, if you didn't want anybody to know, I don't know why you told me. Chris: I told you because you busted me, and I'm glad you did. I have been so focused on protecting Wyatt, I've completely forgotten about me. This month is my conception date. Phoebe: Your conception date? Chris: That's where I've been. Oracles, fortune tellers, soothsayers they all say the same thing. If mum and dad don't screw, this month I'm screwed. Phoebe: Okay, I'm just trying to get used to you being my nephew. I never hit on you, did I? Chris: What? No. Phoebe: Oh, thank god. Chris: Can we focus here, please? Mum and dad need to have s*x. Now who's gonna tell them? You or me? Phoebe: No, nobody's gonna tell them because we're not gonna reopen those wounds. Chris: Okay. So how do we get them back together? Phoebe: W-we? There is no we here. We don't. You're the one that split them up. And why did you split them up? Chris: Leo had to become an Elder to make room for me as your Whitelighter. It was the only way I could protect Wyatt from turning evil. Phoebe: You're unbelievable. I mean, the most kids who are the cause of their parents divorce actually feel guilty. And you're sitting here like it's part of your master plan. Chris: I'm sensing some real issues here. Phoebe: Oh, you're damn right there are issues. You can't just pop in from the future and play with people's lives because your big brother picked on you. Chris: He picked on the world, Phoebe. Phoebe: I'm not finished. Your parents were happy until you split them up. And now you want my help because you didn't think this all the way through? Chris: Feel better? Phoebe: Yes. Chris: Will you help me? Phoebe: No. Oh, I don't know. Chris: If I'm not conceived in the next couple of weeks, I'll disappear forever. (Chris picks up a letter off Phoebe's desk.) You are willing to help complete strangers. How about family? (Phoebe snatches the letter off Chris and receives a premonition.) What is it? What'd you see? Phoebe: A woman being attacked. Chris: Where? [Scene: Arabia. Cave. Phoebe and Chris are there.] Phoebe: Looks like a dig site. Chris: A desert in the middle east. Are you sure your scrying wasn't off? Phoebe: Maybe Jenny is an archaeologist. Chris: Yeah, why would an archaeologist in the middle east send a letter to an advice columnist in San Francisco? Phoebe: She said she was with a controlling man. Chris: Okay, you're missing my point. What happens if this is a trap? (Chris sees some bones on the ground.) What is that? (He bends down to have a look. A sword flies past above his head. They turn around to see two Arabians standing near the cave entrance. They shout words at Phoebe and Chris and move forward. Phoebe throws a potion at them and they are vanquished.) You think anyone heard them? (A ball of light hits Chris in the shoulder and knocks him to the ground. A guy on a flying carpet flies in. He is holding a bottle. Chris uses telekinesis to knock down some trestles in front of the man. He stops suddenly and drops the bottle.) Man: No! (Phoebe throws a potion which doesn't harm the man but he flies away. Phoebe rushes to Chris's side.) Phoebe: Are you okay? Chris: I'll be fine. Was that a flying carpet? Phoebe: What is that? (Phoebe goes over to the bottle and picks it up. She wipes off the dirt and pink smoke escapes out of the bottle. Jinny, the Genie appears.) Jinny: Thank you for responding to my letter. Phoebe: Wait, are you Jinny? Jinny: At your service, master. Opening Credits [Scene: Conservatory. Phoebe, Leo, Chris and Jinny are there. Leo is healing Chris's shoulder.] Jinny: I could heal him, master. Your warrior needs his strength. My last master will be coming back for me. Phoebe: I think he's got it under control. Jinny: Good idea, save your wishes. Leo: Did you get a good look at the demon? Phoebe: I did, and when we're done here I'll go up to the Book of Shadows and check it out. I also called Paige to see if she can keep an eye on Jinny for me. Chris: Thanks. Jinny: There is no need to guard me. Even if I was not bound to serve you I would do it anyway for sparing me from Bosk. Phoebe: Bosk? Jinny: My last master. He's cruel, even for a demon. And I would know. My bottle has been passed around from demon to demon for centuries. Leo: That's terrible. Jinny: You can not begin to know. That is why I got a message to Phoebe. I knew if she had my bottle she would wish me free. Phoebe: No wishes. I know all about Genies. You're tricksters. Leo: Listen, I gotta get back up there. You think you can handle this without Piper? Chris: Where is Piper? Leo: On a date. Chris: On a date in the middle of the day? Phoebe: Yeah, Greg works nights. Chris: (thinks) Greg, Greg. Greg, the fireman? You mean the one she's insanely sexually attracted to? Doesn't that bother you? Leo: No. If it's makes her happy, that's all that matters. Chris: Oh, come on! What about all this forbidden lovers, you and me against the world stuff? That just doesn't go away. Leo: You know, Chris, it's a little late for male bonding. Especially since I'm petitioning the other Elders to send you back to your time. Chris: What? Phoebe: Wait, are you serious? Jinny: You look tense, master. Neck rub? Leo: Even though Chris's intensions are good, his methods have put us all at risk. So, he's going back. Chris: You mean abandoning me again. Leo: Look, you did your job, you warned us about an evil that was after Wyatt. I think we can handle it from here. (Leo orbs out.) Chris: I've gotta stop him. Phoebe: Don't worry, I'll talk to Leo. Chris: No, no, not Leo. Greg, the fireman. He's about to sleep with my mum. (Chris orbs out.) Phoebe: I really wish you wouldn't do that. (Jinny puts her hands together and blinks. Chris orbs back in.) Chris: What just happened? Jinny: Your wish is my command, master. (They hear the front door close.) Paige: Alright, where's the Genie? (Phoebe and Jinny walk into the living room. Paige walks in.) Oh my god, you landed one. Phoebe: She's a Genie, not a trout. Jinny: You still have two wishes, master. I suggest you save one for Bosk. Phoebe: I told you, no wishes. We're gonna do this our way. Jinny: But you can not handle him. Nobody can. He has a flying carpet and an army of forty thieves. Phoebe: Thirty-eight. I vanquished two. Paige: Let me guess. He wanted a crew and a nice ride. Original for a demon's wish, yeah? Jinny: Yes. And if Bosk gets me back, he will force me to grant his third wish. Paige: What's his third wish? (Large diamond earrings appear on Paige's earlobes.) Phoebe: Did you do that? Jinny: No, but they are lovely. Who conjured them for you? Paige: My boyfriend, Richard. He's been showering me with gifts all week. Phoebe: I thought you were gonna talk to him about binding his powers? Paige: I have but every time I bring it up I just get another present. Luxury problem I know, but still. Phoebe: Yeah, not good. Back to the demon. Uh, what was his third wish? Jinny: Zanbar. Phoebe: Zanbar? Paige: What's Zanbar? Jinny: The lost city. Before being swallowed up by the desert, it was the seat of power for an evil empire. (Chris walks in.) Chris: Phoebe? Will you do something, please? I can't orb. (A large diamond bracelet appears on Paige's arm.) Paige: Damn him. Phoebe: You know, Paige, if he won't listen to you, maybe he'll listen to his family. Paige: Most of them are dead. Remember, the feud. Jinny: Please, we do not have time for this. If Bosk captures me, Zanbar will rise again from the dust. Paige: It's just a city. Jinny: A city of magic. Bosk has been using his thieves to search for his former site. If he finds it and wishes it back, there will be no stopping him. That is why you must wish me free, master. If I am not a Genie, it will solve your problems and mine. I beg you. Chris: Hey, a little help here, please? (Paige's clothes change into a black evening dress.) Phoebe: Okay, I'm losing my mind. Uh, Paige, go to Richard, deal with it so you can help us. Paige: Okay. (Paige leaves.) Phoebe: You, I will help you get your parents back together but it has to be on my terms. Agreed? Chris: Agreed. Phoebe: Go get Piper, we could use her help. Uh, I wish that he could orb. (Jinny puts her hands together and blinks. Chris orbs out.) And we need to find a vanquishing potion for that demon. Jinny: Oh, yes, master. Phoebe: Phoebe. Jinny: Yes, master Phoebe. [Scene: Greg's apartment. Piper and Greg are sitting on the couch, making out. Chris orbs in outside. He knocks on the door.] Chris: Piper! Piper! Piper: Forget it. Chris: I know you're in there. Please open the door now. Piper: Just a sec. (Piper gets up and goes over to the door. Chris continues to knock. She opens the door.) Go away. Chris: We have an emergency. (Greg walks over to the door.) Greg: Is there a problem here? Chris: Yeah, many problems, many levels. Piper has to come home now. Greg: Excuse me? Who are you again? Chris: I'm a friend of her husband's. Piper: Ex-husband, and he's not really a great friend. Um, it's okay, I got it. Greg: Well, I'm here if you need me. (They kiss and Greg walks away. Piper goes out into the hallway with Chris and closes the door behind her.) Piper: What is this big emergency? Can't it wait and hour or two? Chris: No, it can't. There's a demon on the loose, a Genie running a muck, and it took me two wishes to get here. Piper: You can't make wishes with Genies. Chris: See, we need you. Come on, let's orb. (He grabs her hand.) Piper: No, no, no. Listen. I am not gonna leave him high and dry again without an explanation. So your demon can wait five minutes. (She goes back inside.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Arabia. Cave. Bosk is there.] Bosk: Open sesame. (A door opens in the cave wall. He walks through, going into another cave where there are thieves and treasure.) Thieve: What happened? Bosk: The Genie was stolen, thanks to your warriors. Thieve: They were my two best swordsmen. Bosk: Yeah, well swords don't work real well against potions. What the hell are witches doing all the way out here? Thieve: We have defences against their type. (The thieve picks up a pendant necklace.) The eye of Aghbar. It protects against witches magic. Bosk: I need that Genie. All this work for nothing if we don't get her back. Thieve: I'll gather my warriors, all my warriors. Bosk: No. No, you and your men, you keep digging. I've got to find out where Zanbar's buried before I wish for its return. I can't risk another demon beating me to the throne. Thieve: As you wish. [Scene: Richard's House. Paige is there walking through the rooms.] Paige: Richard? Richard. (Richard suddenly appears behind Paige.) Richard: You like your earrings? (Paige gets a fright.) Paige: Oh, you're materialising now. Richard: Yeah. Pretty handy, huh? So, uh, you like your earrings? Paige: Yeah, there's a bit of a problem. Richard: They're too small? No, they're too big. I can shrink them. Let's see, um... Paige: No, that's not the problem. I just, you've given me enough. Richard: I'm just trying to make you happy. I want you to know that I care. Paige: What would make me really happy is if you just stopped with all the potions and all the magic, just for a while. Richard: Didn't we have this conversation? Paige: Yeah, but apparently only one of us was listening. Richard: No, I was listening. I mean, that's why I'm doing this, to prove that I can handle it. I'm not turning into a dark beast, right? Paige: But that's not the point. Richard: Most women would thank a guy for that, but you're treating me like a common criminal. Paige: Well, I guess I'm not most women. Richard: I gotta go. Hope you like the earrings. (He walks off.) [Scene: Manor. Attic. Phoebe and Jinny are there. Jinny is looking through the Book of Shadows.] Jinny: He was my master once. And him too. And her. Phoebe: Boy, you sure got around. How did so many demons get a hold of you, anyway? Jinny: Some bought, some stole. I changed town so many times I lost track. Phoebe: I'm sorry I can't set you free. But wishing is just too risky right now. (Piper and Chris orb in.) Piper: Okay, let's go. Greg's not gonna wait forever. Chris: Well, then you should dump him. Piper: What is that supposed to mean? Phoebe: He's just being over protective. Piper: I take it you're the Genie. Jinny: Jinny. Phoebe: Jinny the Genie. Piper: Of course. Who's the demon? Chris: Uh. (Chris goes over to the Book of Shadows and looks at the page on Bosk.) He's a low level demon with minimal powers. There's a vanquishing potion. Phoebe: Yeah, that's what I'm working on. Piper: Good. Then you're almost done with me too. Okay, so what you're planning is summon him to us? Phoebe: Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Chris: What's the rush? Piper: Well, not that it's any of your business but Greg's shift starts in a few hours and I won't see him for three days. So I'm gonna go call him and I'd put the Genie back in the bottle just to be safe. No offence, but we've been burned before. (Piper leaves the room.) Phoebe: Do you mind? Jinny: Yes, master. (Jinny is sucked into the bottle.) Phoebe: I feel so bad. Chris: As well you should. If we don't do something soon, I can end up half fireman instead of half Whitelighter. Phoebe: Oh, for goodness sake. Chris: Look, I'm running out of time here. So what do you say we get to use that Genie to make mum and dad... you know. Phoebe: That's vile. And against the rules. I would think you wouldn't want to be conceived that way. Chris: Well, beats not being conceived at all. Phoebe: Look, I told you I would help you on my terms, okay? So back off. Chris: What are your terms? Phoebe: Hmm, not really sure yet. But I am done with this potion. As soon as Piper gets back we are ready to go. (Bosk comes crashing through the window on his flying carpet, knocking Chris to the floor. Phoebe throws the potion at Bosk but the pendent around his neck blocks it.) Bosk: Not this time, witch. Phoebe: Jinny, I wish you free! (Pink smoke escapes out of the bottle and Jinny appears wearing black clothes.) Jinny: Well, it's about time. Who's the master now? (Jinny throws a fireball at Bosk and vanquishes him. Piper walks in. Jinny reaches for the bottle.) Piper: Chris. (Chris holds out his hand and the bottle flies into it. Piper tries to blow Jinny up but Jinny ducks. Jinny jumps on the flying carpet and it flies out the window. Chris gets up.) Chris: Where's Phoebe? Phoebe's Voice: Here. In here! (Chris looks in the bottle and sees Phoebe dressed in a blue Genie costume.) Hello, master. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper and Chris are there. Piper is looking in the bottle.] Piper: Will you come out of there, please? Phoebe: I can't. I don't know how. Try commanding me. Piper: Uh, okay. Get the hell outta there. Phoebe: No, not you. My master. (Piper walks away and Chris looks in the bottle.) Chris: You mean me? Phoebe: Well, yeah, you did pick up the bottle, didn't you? Chris: Alright, get out of the bottle. I command you. (Blue smoke rises out of the bottle and Phoebe appears. Piper laughs.) Piper: You look ridiculous. Phoebe: I feel ridiculous. Piper: How am I supposed to get back to Greg now with this? Phoebe: Is that all you care about? Would you look at me. I am trapped in pantaloons right now. Where is the mirror? (She walks over to the mirror.) Oh, and why do I always get stuck with the wig? Piper: Trust me, you don't. Leo! Chris: Have you ever noticed that Leo is the first person you call in your time of need? (Leo orbs in.) Leo: Uh-oh. Phoebe: Yeah, right, uh-oh. Piper: I still can't believe you made a wish with a Genie. You know better than that. Phoebe: I thought she was an innocent. How was I to know that I was gonna unleash a demon. (Leo picks up the bottle.) Leo: It says so right here. Phoebe: Oh, right, right there in Arabic. Piper: There's a warning label on the Genie bottle? Leo: Yeah. An ancient sorcerer condemned a demon into the bottle for not marrying him. It says whoever tried to free her they have to switch places with her. Missed a big one here, bud. Chris: You wanna pin this on me? Phoebe: Leo, it's not his fault, it's my fault. Piper: How come your empathy thing didn't give her away? Phoebe: She tricked me and obviously the book too. Chris: Let's just figure out a way to fix this, okay? Leo: Well, the only way to fix it is to get the demon to wish Phoebe free, reverse the magic. Phoebe: That's what we need to do then. Piper: I'll call Paige. Phoebe: Yes. I do believe the element of surprise is very important here. Chris: You sure? Because we could always take our time with this plan, you know, keep Piper around just a little bit longer. Phoebe: Yes, master. Chris: Good, I'm glad you agree. Phoebe: Actually, I don't agree, but I-I can't... How am I supposed to take charge and take commands all at the same time? Leo: Well, you won't have to. Chris is coming back up there with me. The Elders have agreed to send him back to his time. Chris: What? Phoebe: You don't know what you're doing here, Leo. Leo: You don't belong here. And as your Whitelighter he's doing more harm than good. Chris: You're so full of it. This isn't about me being a bad Whitelighter, it's about you feeling like I've let you down somehow. So whatever issues you might have with me, I wish you would just get over it already. (Phoebe puts her hands together and blinks.) Leo? (Leo laughs.) Leo: Of course I forgive you, man. You don't have to yell. All you gotta do is ask. Chris: I did? Leo: Yeah. And listen, with all that whole going back to the future thing, you know, don't even worry about it because I'll talk to the other Elders and we're gonna work it all out, okay? It's no big deal, okay? Come on, give me a hug. (Leo hugs Chris.) [Scene: Richard's house. Paige is there talking on the phone.] Paige: What do you mean she didn't read the warning label? Piper's Voice: I'll explain later. The bottom line is we need you home now. Paige: Well, I can't. I'm kind of in the middle of saving Richard right now. (She looks over at Richard's relatives, dead and alive, sitting in the living room.) I'll be right with you. (to Piper) I took Phoebe's advice, I got his family here. Piper: I thought most of his relatives are dead. Paige: Uh-huh, they are. Piper: You're holding a magical intervention with ghosts? Paige: Well, I thought about and I realised that one of Richard's problems is that he's got no family here. He's got no support system. So the burden of helping him has kind of fallen on me. Piper: Okay, fine. Hey, maybe since you have all those ghosts there, you can get one to help us out when you're done. Paige: Help us do what? (Richard walks in.) Richard: What's going on here? Paige: Uh, I'll call you back. (Paige hangs up.) Richard: What are they doing here? Paige: Your family is here because they care about you. They've seen what happens to you when you use magic and I don't want it to happen again. Richard: You summoned them? Steve: We're here because we want to be here. We need you to listen to us. Richard: This is crazy. This is an intervention, right? I'm getting outta here. (Richard starts to leave.) Paige: Richard, wait. Richard: After everything I've done, this is how you thank me? By embarrassing me in front of my family? (The spirits disappear.) Paige: Look, if you keep doing this, something bad is going to happen, something terrible. I can feel it. Steve: She's right, Richard. Our family, they died because of the magic, I can't let yourself end up like that. Paige: I can make you a power stripping potion. It'll turn you back into yourself. Just let me help you. (Richard disappears.) Steve: What do we do now? [Scene: Arabia. Cave. Jinny vanquishes one of the thieves.] Jinny: Anyone else have a problem taking orders from an ex-Genie? Thieve #1: We are at your service, my queen. Jinny: Hmm, queen. I like the sound of that. Every queen deserves an empire. Have you found the location of the lost city yet? Thieve #1: We believe we've discovered the site. Jinny: Very good. Now all I need is that bottle. Gather your best fighters. We're going on a witch hunt. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Leo is there writing a letter. Chris walks in.] Chris: Hey, Piper says they're ready for those crystals. Genie Phoebe's getting on her last nerves down there. What are you doing? Leo: Writing you an apology. I just, I can't seem to get it right. Chris: Leo, come on, man, you don't need to do that. Leo: No, I know I don't need to but I want to. It feels good to forgive. Chris: Yeah, why don't you just hold onto that feeling, okay? We've gotta go help the sisters. Leo: Alright, well, in a minute. This is just as important. "Dear Chris..." Chris: Alright, alright, enough already. You said you're sorry, let's just not go overboard. Leo: Okay, but after everything I've put you through, I feel like I owe it to you. Chris: Honestly, a letter's not gonna mean a hell of a lot to me. I got plenty of them growing up. Leo: I'm sorry. Chris: Uh, from my father. He wasn't around much. Leo: That's awful. You wanna talk about it? Chris: No. What I want for you is to grab the crystals and go downstairs to where Piper is. Do you remember her? Leo: Sure. But right now I'm a little more concerned about you. You seem a little stressed. Chris: Yeah, you're damn right I'm stressed. I'm concerned about you two. You two need to get back together already. Any chance that's gonna happen? Leo: I don't think so. But thanks for caring, man. It means a lot. Chris: Wait. You still love her, I know you do. How could you just throw that away? Leo: It's a little personal don't you think? Chris: More than you know. Look, are you telling me that there is no chance that you and Piper are gonna hook up in let's say, I don't know, the next couple of weeks? Leo: Actually, yeah, that's what I'm saying. We've both moved on, and nothing short of a miracle can make that happen. [Cut to the conservatory. Piper and Phoebe are there. Piper is writing a spell. Phoebe looks over her shoulder.] Phoebe: Uh-uh-uh, the wording's not quite right there. Jinny is an upper-level demon. Piper: Hey, I don't need a bossy Genie on my back. I'm giving up a lot to be here. I'll write the vanquishing spell the way I want. Phoebe: You should invoke the name of... Piper: Do I need to call Chris to shut you up? Phoebe: You wouldn't. Piper: Keep pushing me. (Paige orbs in.) Back so soon? Paige: Yeah, the intervention was a complete train wreck. Richard wouldn't listen to anyone. Phoebe: Oh, Paige, I'm so sorry. (Paige laughs.) You're laughing at me? I'm trying to be sympathetic and you're laughing at me. Paige: I'm sorry. Maybe I needed a laugh after what I just went through. Phoebe: Yeah, it's okay. Is there anything I can do? Paige: Yeah, but don't you need to go help Major Nelson? (Piper and Paige laugh. Phoebe isn't impressed.) Piper: What? It's funny, this is kinda funny. Phoebe: Let's just finish the spell, okay? Piper: Alright, hey, I want this done just as badly as you do. Did you find us a ghost? Paige: Yeah, I got us Richard's dad. He's hanging out in limbo waiting for my call. Why do we need a ghost? Piper: Well, once we capture Jinny, he can possess her and force her to wish Phoebe free. (Leo and Chris walk in, chuckling. Leo is holding a box.) Leo: Here's those crystals you wanted. (He puts them on the table.) Paige: You guys sure are chummy. Leo: Yeah, I had a change of heart. Decided to let bygones be bygones. Piper: Really? Phoebe: Guys, there's something I have to tell you. Chris: Ah, after we talk in the kitchen. Phoebe: But... Chris: Phoebe. (He holds up the bottle. Phoebe disappears into it.) Now that was cool. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna have a little one on one with the help. (Chris leaves the room.) Piper: What's he hiding now? (The doorbell rings.) Paige: I'll get it. (Paige leaves the room.) Leo: You know, Chris is a hell of a guy. You too should give him a chance once in a while. [Cut to the foyer. Paige opens the door. Richard stands there.] Richard: Hey. Paige: Richard. What are you doing here? Richard: I, uh, came to apologise. (A bunch of roses appears in his arms.) [Cut to the kitchen. Phoebe and Chris are there.] Phoebe: You wanna make them do what? Chris: We finally got dad in a good mood and mum, she's still sexed up from the fireman. This is the perfect time to hit them with the whammy. Phoebe: No, we are not going to make Piper and Leo sleep together, okay? We're gonna do this my way, mister. Chris: Master. Phoebe: Oh, you know what? Listen to me. Chris: I'm sorry, Phoebe, but I'm running out of time here. A guy's gotta survive. I wish for Piper and Leo to sleep together tonight. Phoebe: I'm not... (Phoebe puts her hands together and blinks. They hear a loud thud come from the other room.) Chris: What was that? (Phoebe and Chris rush into the conservatory. They see Piper and Leo fast asleep on the floor.) Oh, no. They're sleeping. You tricked me. Phoebe: No, you made me wish for them to sleep together. And they're sleeping together. Chris: This is a mess. I've only got one more wish to sort this thing out, so if you don't mind... (He holds up the bottle.) Phoebe: Oh, no, actually I do mind because Jinny could be here at any moment. Chris: You know what? I'll summon you when she does. I command you back into the bottle. Phoebe: When I get out this... (She disappears into the bottle.) [Cut to the foyer.] Richard: You're gonna break up with me over some flowers? Paige: Look, I'm sorry. It's me or magic. You just have to choose one. Richard: You can't give me that kind of choice. Paige: I just did. Richard: You wanna talk about dependencies, why are you always running off to be with your sisters? (They hear a crash in the conservatory.) Chris: Ow! Paige: Wait here. [Cut to the conservatory. Chris is thrown across the room by one of the thieves. He drops the bottle. The thieve pulls out his sword. Paige runs in. Chris stands up.] Chris: Mind the bottle, Phoebe's inside. (The thieve charges for Chris and they fight. Paige heads for the bottle and another thieve attacks her. She orbs out and orbs back in behind him.) Paige: Sword! (His sword orbs into Paige's hand and she stabs him, vanquishing him. Jinny shimmers in and heads for the bottle. Richard walks in and sends her flying across the room. Paige stabs the other thieve with the sword and vanquishes him.) Crystals! (The crystals in the box orbs out.) Circle! (The crystals orb back in making a circle around Jinny.) Got her. (Jinny tries to walk but the crystals zap her.) Chris: Where's the bottle? (They turn around to see Richard holding the bottle.) Paige: Richard. (Richard disappears with the bottle.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Paige and Jinny are there.] Jinny: You think these crystals can hold me? (She reaches out and the crystals zap her.) Paige: Nope, not for long. That's why we're putting you back in your bottle. Jinny: When I form my empire, the first thing I'm gonna do is rid the world of witches. Paige: Oh, yeah? Well, when you're back in your bottle, the first thing I'm gonna do is put you in the microwave. Ha ha. How do you like that? [Cut to the living room. Piper, Leo and Chris are there. Piper and Leo are asleep next to each other on the couch. Chris covers them with a blanket. Paige walks in.] Paige: Think she can scare me. They're still asleep? Have you tried smelling salts? Chris: It won't work, trust me. Paige: What's wrong with them? Chris: It's a long story. Paige: I don't know, why don't you give me the cliff notes version. Come on, Chris. You and Leo and Phoebe have all been acting weird since before the demon attacked. What is going on? Chris: Alright, I made a little wish. Paige: You did what? Chris: Two little wishes. Paige: Oh, great. It's not bad enough I have to worry about Richard, now I have to worry about you too. What did you wish for? Chris: For Leo to forgive me, which by the way was an accident. Paige: And? Chris: For Piper and Leo to sleep together. Paige: You! Oh my god, you are sick! What is wrong with you? You're disgusting! Chris: No... Paige: You are some creepy registered s*x offender from the future. Chris: No, no, no... Paige: Oh my god, you are so gross. Chris: I'm Piper and Leo's son. Paige: What? Chris: They're my parents. I came back to save my family. Paige: You're serious. Chris: Yeah. Only now I've gotta save myself. Because if my mum doesn't get pregnant in the next month, there is no me. Paige: This is all so wrong. And this has been such a long day. Chris: Look, I'm gonna orb over to Richard's, okay, and grab the bottle. Paige: No, you can't. He's, uh, he's crazy right now, he might hurt you, okay? I need to strip him of his powers. It's a whole thing. Chris: Well, how's that gonna help? Paige: Well, he's been corrupted by magic and if I don't strip him of his powers, I might not be able to save him. Who else knows about this? Chris: About me? Just Phoebe. Paige: Alright, you watch Jinny, I'm gonna go make this potion, okay? Chris: Okay. [Scene: Richard's house. Richard is there. The bottle is sitting on a table. Phoebe is inside the bottle running from side to side, trying to tip the bottle over.] Phoebe: Come on, come on. (The bottle tips over and Phoebe escapes out of the bottle.) Oh, thank god. I thought a demon got me. Why didn't you let me out? Richard: I'm not ready for you yet. Phoebe: Hey, we're in the black magic vault. Um, is there a phone around because I'd really love to call Paige and just check in. Richard: No, you're not. I know I've got a book of wishes around here somewhere. (Richard looks through some drawers.) Phoebe: Wishes? Richard: Yeah. Gotta get the wording right. Phoebe: Yeah, maybe you should just wish for sleep because I'm really good at that wish. Richard: Look, I just want Paige to accept me the way I am with magic. It's the only way we'll work. Phoebe: I don't think magic is the answer to your problems, I think it's the cause of your problems. Richard: Got you brainwashed too. I'm gonna have to cast a spell on the entire family. Uh-huh. Here it is. (Paige orbs in.) Paige, I told you. Don't orb in and surprise me. Phoebe: He's not himself right now. Paige: How come you didn't tell me Chris was my nephew? Phoebe: Yeah, maybe we could talk about that later because your boyfriend's about to whoo-whoo! Richard: Look, I'm fine, alright? I just need to do some reading. I'll call you when I'm ready. Paige: This is for your own good. (Paige throws a potion at Richard and he uses telekinesis to send the potion and Paige flying.) Phoebe: Paige! [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Jinny is there with her eyes closed and her hands held out in front of herself. The doorbell rings.] [Cut to the foyer. Chris answers the door. Greg is standing there.] Chris: Aren't you supposed to be at work or something? Greg: I'm on a break. I came to surprise Piper. Chris: Oh. Little booty call, huh? Greg: Is she here? Chris: No, sorry, she's sleeping. (Chris starts to close the door but Greg stops him.) Greg: I don't believe you. Chris: Okay, see for yourself. (Greg walks in and looks in the living room. He sees Piper and Leo asleep on the couch. Chris waves his hand and Piper falls closer to Leo, and Leo's hand falls on her shoulder.) Do you want me to tell her you stopped by? Greg: Uh, no, that won't be necessary. (Greg leaves.) [Cut to the conservatory. The flying carpet creeps under the door and flies over to Jinny. The carpet hits the crystal shield and gets zapped. Jinny steps out of the crystal circle.] [Cut to the foyer. Chris closes the front door.] Chris: Sorry, mum, it's for the best. (Chris walks into the living room. Jinny is there holding a fireball.) Jinny: Take me to the bottle. [Cut to Richard's house. Richard helps Paige up.] Richard: Are you okay? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. Paige: It's okay. It's fine. Richard: I'll make it up to you. Phoebe: No, no, no, not that way. Paige: No more wishes. Richard: No, no, it's okay. It's not for me. Phoebe, I wish you free. (A blue tornado of wind surrounds Phoebe, rises up and then surrounds Richard. It disappears.) Uh, what is this? (Chris orbs in with Jinny.) Phoebe: What are you doing here? (Jinny throws a fireball at them and they duck. Chris attacks Jinny and she grabs his arm and throws him across the room. Jinny picks up the bottle.) Jinny: Genie, I wish the Charmed Ones dead. (Richard puts his hands together and nods his head. The girls fall to the floor, dead.) Chris: No! (Chris runs to their side.) Jinny: Now, into the bottle. (Richard is sucked into the bottle.) My condolences. (Jinny disappears.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Richard's house. Chris is kneeling beside Phoebe and Paige.] Chris: No. You can't be dead yet. It's not your time. I know it's not your time. (Phoebe and Paige's spirits float out of their body.) I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, this is all my fault. She was gonna kill mum and dad. [Cut to the manor. Living room. Piper and Leo are still asleep on the couch. Piper's spirit floats out of her body.] Piper: Oh, no. Leo, wake up. (Leo stirs and a glowing light from his hand heals Piper.) But how... (Piper's spirit floats back into her body.) [Cut to Richard's house.] Phoebe: Hey, Chris, we're not moving on. Paige: Why aren't we moving on? Chris: Who cares? You're still here. Paige: Got any unfinished business? Phoebe: No. You? Paige: Yeah, now that you mention it, it would have been nice to find out I had another nephew before I died. Phoebe: I was gonna tell you but I just didn't get a chance. Chris: Guys we can fix this. We can reverse the magic. All we need to do is get the bottle. Phoebe: That's true, we're ghosts, we can possess Jinny. Where is Jinny? Paige: Well, she was planning to conjure the lost city. Phoebe: Don't worry, we're gonna take care of this. Should we go check on Piper first? Chris: No, no, no. Piper's fine. I mean, she has to be, right? If she was dead, I would have vanished. Paige: How do we reach Jinny? Chris: You're ghosts, you can haunt anybody you want. You should concentrate and it should wisp you right to her. (Phoebe and Paige close their eyes and they vanish.) Wait for me! [Cut to Arabia. Jinny and thieves walk over to a two-headed animal skeleton laying in the sand.] Jinny: You sure this is the site? Thieve: One of the hounds of the Zanbar. They guarded the city for the Sultan. Jinny: I could use a few of those myself. (to the bottle) You ready in there? I wish to resurrect the lost city of Zanbar. (A huge Arabian city rises out of the desert sands.) Finders, keepers. Paige: I wouldn't unpack just now if I were you. (They turn around to see ghost Phoebe, ghost Paige and Chris standing there.) Jinny: Why haven't you moved on? You're dead. Phoebe: So are you. (Phoebe's spirit jumps into Jinny's body. One of the thieves runs towards Chris and Chris throws him across the room. The other two thieves pull out their swords and runs towards them.) Paige: Watch out. Chris: Phoebe, a little help here. (Phoebe/Jinny throws a fireball at both the thieves, vanquishing them.) Phoebe/Jinny: I think I've got control of the body. (Chris grabs a sword and stabs the last thief, vanquishing him.) Paige: Okay, all clear. (Phoebe/Jinny picks up the bottle.) Phoebe/Jinny: Richard, I wish you free. (Phoebe's spirit exits Jinny's body. Jinny is sucked into the bottle and Richard appears in her place.) Paige: Hi, honey. Jinny: Let me out of here! Richard: I wish the Charmed Ones alive again. Jinny: Yes, master. (Phoebe and Paige's spirit vanishes.) Chris: You okay? Richard: Take this, get it out of my site. Chris: Sure. Could you get rid of that thing first? Richard: Yeah. No problem. [Scene: Richard's house. Living room. Richard is there holding a potion vial. Paige walks in.] Paige: Hey. What's going on? Richard: Just thinking. Paige: Oh, yeah? What about? Richard: Everything. I mean, sometimes it feels like my life's just one big disaster after the next, you know? Like right from the start, being born into this stupid feud, all that family hatred. I mean, it's amazing I've gone this far without ending up like one of them. Paige: Well, Richard, you have. That's what's important, right? You are here for a reason, for a purpose, you just have to figure out what it is. Richard: How can you have so much faith, Paige. I mean, with everything out there, all the evil. Paige: Well, that's because I don't see all the evil, I see all the good too. Especially in you. Richard: Sometimes I'm not sure. Paige: I am. Richard: Well, I hope you're right because I'm giving up a lot... to see it too. My whole life I've had powers and magic and even if I didn't use it, it was just apart of me. And now, uh, it's kind of scary to think I'm gonna be losing it, and losing you too. Paige: Well, you have to take care of yourself first, right? And as long as I'm around and bringing magic into your life, you won't be able to. Richard: I know. Paige: Have you taken the power stripping potion yet? (Richard tips the vial upside down to show it's empty. Tears fall from Paige's eyes.) [Scene: Manor. Living room. Phoebe and Chris are there. The grandfather clock chimes.] Chris: They're not waking up. How come they're not waking up? Phoebe: Would you relax? Chris: Relax? I'm sorry, did you say relax? Because I'm about to disappear, vanish forever, cease to exist. Phoebe: Oh my god, you're so dramatic. (Piper and Leo wake up.) Hey, are you okay? (Piper quickly pulls away from Leo.) Piper: I think so. Wh-wh-what are you doing? Leo: Uh, I don't know, I swear. (Leo stands up.) What's going on? Phoebe: Arabic sleeping potion. Very strong, not good. Piper: You mean Jinny did this? Phoebe: Who else? Piper: Well, we've gotta stop her. Phoebe: We already did while you were sleeping. She's back in the bottle. (Chris picks up the bottle.) Chris: Which we were sort of hoping you could take care of for us. (He gives Leo the bottle.) Leo: So that's it? It's all over? Chris: Pretty much. I mean, you still forgive me, right? Leo: Of course. Chris: Good. Phoebe: I still wanna know why we all didn't die. What? I'm curious. Chris: Oh, sure, you don't mind them knowing that they almost died but not that... Never mind. Piper: What are you talking about? Phoebe: Jinny made a wish for the Charmed Ones to die and we almost did, but then we turned into ghosts and... Piper: Huh. So that wasn't a dream I had. I was floating over my body looking down at me and then, uh, you healed me. Leo: I did? Piper: Yeah. I called to you when you were sleeping and somehow you must have heard me and you wouldn't let me go. Chris: Well, then that must be the reason why Phoebe and Paige's spirits didn't move on. See the wish was for all the Charmed Ones to die, so saving you must have saved them. Piper: That was really sweet of you. Leo: Any time. So you wanna go with me to get Wyatt? Piper: Sure. (Leo orbs out with Piper.) Chris: Wait, wh... What about me? Phoebe: I wouldn't give up. There may be hope for you yet.

Plan: A: Phoebe; Q: Who does Chris use to make his wish come true? A: a genie; Q: What does Phoebe free from a bottle? A: Saba Homayoon; Q: Who played Jinny? A: a demon; Q: What is Jinny? A: Chris; Q: Who made the wish to make Piper and Leo sleep together? A: his instructions; Q: What does Chris say Phoebe took too literally? A: Paige; Q: Who does Chris reveal to that Piper and Leo are his parents? A: a pervert; Q: What does Paige call Chris? A: a few weeks; Q: How long does Chris have to live? A: Richard; Q: Who steals the bottle? A: the genie's magic; Q: What does Richard covet? A: permanent separation; Q: What do Paige and Richard reconcile to? A: his own good; Q: Richard must drink a power-stripping potion for what? Summary: Phoebe frees a genie, Jinny ( Saba Homayoon ), from a bottle, only to find that Jinny is a demon that has tricked her into becoming a genie herself. Anxious to get Leo and Piper back together so he can be conceived, Chris uses Phoebe to make his wish come true, but she takes his instructions too literally. When Chris reveals to Paige that he made the wish to make Piper and Leo sleep together, she calls him a pervert, and he reveals to her that Piper and Leo are his parents and that Piper needs to get pregnant within a few weeks or he will perish. Feeling that he is losing Paige, Richard opportunistically covets the genie's magic and steals the bottle so he can wish Paige back into his life. Paige and Richard reconciled to permanent separation, but Richard must drink a power-stripping potion for his own good.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Barry: Fauzi, it's Barry. I'm coming for my nephew's wedding. Emma: Dad doesn't want to go either. Why do you think he hasn't been back in 20 years? (gunfire, men shouting) Barry: They're not my family. You're my family. Khaled: Bassam. Barry: Father. Amira: He's changed, Bassam. Jamal: Little brother. Barry: Jamal. People are always spreading rumors about Ihab. So he has no plans to blow up my son's wedding? Bassam. It's your father. It should have been you. He's gone. Now you are in charge. Aah. Jamal. We're going home. We're not even staying for Grandpa's funeral? That's good. What is this? Aah! Mr. Al Fayeed? I told you we shouldn't have come. Yes I've got them. We'll be there soon. Yes, I will. Yes, we are taking Bassam to the hospital. Right. Barry: Sammy? (sighs) I'm sorry. Yussef: Yes. I'm sure he is. Yes, I will. Okay. Bassam, I just got confirmation. Jamal's accident wasn't an accident. It was an attempt on his life. Sammy: Wait. Someone tried to kill Uncle Jamal? Yussef: I'm afraid so. (monitor beeping steadily) Cohen: What did he do to make her so angry? Look at this. She bit right through the pudendal vein and the circumflex artery. Ouch. Tariq: Leila. Leila: The woman who did this to my husband... who was she? Tariq: A follower of Ihab Rashid. Leila: I doubt she was working alone, General. Tariq: I've already arrested dozens of Ihab's followers. Put up checkpoints, imposed a curfew. I'm ready to impose a complete blockade. No one gets in or out of Ma'an. No food, no supplies. Leila: There will be pushback. From amnesty, the U.N. Tariq: Would you rather I wait for your husband to get out of surgery? Leila: Just find Ihab Rashid. Guard: Step over here. Guard 2: Your paperwork? I have to look inside. Woman: No. Guard: Come on, come on. Hands on the car. Man: It's like this every day. What did he do? Identification. (man shouting nearby) (trunk slams) Curfew's at sundown. (speaking in foreign language) Ihab: Mohammed. Mohammed: Ihab. Ah, thank god you're all right. Ihab: Yes, thank him. And I thank him for sending us Samira. Where is Kamal? Mohammed: They arrested him. But we cleared out his warehouse before the soldiers got there. Ihab: My uncle has arranged a safe house for us. Come on! Come. (cell phone ringing) Samira: It's my father. (line ringing) Father? Fauzi: Where are you? I've been calling you. Samira: I'm just buying food in case things get worse. Fauzi: Samira, you shouldn't be on the streets. Soldiers just killed three people in Filan. Samira: I'll be home soon. Ma'a salama. Fauzi: Hurry. Samira: I will, I will. Fauzi: Samira? (line clicks) Samira: I have a bad feeling. It's-it's the wrong time. You're not ready. Mohammed: Ihab? Samira: General Tariq will kill you. Ihab: Samira, go home. Okay? Go home. Your father needs you. You've been helpful enough already. Go. Go home. Molly: Uh, just put them anywhere. Thanks. Sammy: Uh, are we really staying here this time? 'Cause I was kind of getting used to that hotel. Yussef: That might be difficult. There are security concerns. Molly: Uh, no. He's kidding. Adolescent irony can get lost in translation. Yussef: Ah! Emma: So, how long are we staying here this time? Molly: At least until your grandfather's funeral. Yussef: In the meantime, if you're looking for something to do, we have many activities. There is a gym and a spa, putting green, bowling alley, a skeet shooting range... Sammy: Skeet shooting? Yussef: Your grandfather was an excellent shot. (cell phone ringing) Molly: It's your dad. Excuse me. Yussef: He once scored a perfect... Molly: Hey. How's Jamal? Barry: Uh, he went into surgery just before I got here. But, uh, I think they're expecting him to make a full recovery. Molly: Good. How are you doing? Barry: Uh, I'm, uh, I'm okay. I guess. Listen, can you, uh, can you go online and rebook our flights? The funeral's tomorrow... Molly: Come on, stop, stop. Anytime you want a seat on a plane, someone will get you a seat on a plane. They'll get you the whole damn plane if you want one. Barry: Yeah, sure. I'm just in the habit of... Molly: Barry... I know you don't want to be here. I get that. Honey, I just want to understand why. Barry: My father asked me to stay. In the hospital just before he died. He was... he was asking me to come back here and help Jamal. Molly: Help him do what? (Barry laughs) Barry: I don't know. Help him... help him start running the country or, uh... I don't know. It's crazy, it's... Molly: Honey. Your father's not here anymore. You don't need to keep running like the doors are slamming closed on you. Barry: You don't know this place, Mol, it's... it's not like back home. Listen, um, can we talk about this later? Molly: Barry... (Molly sighs) Ahmed: Don't you want to be here for my father? Hmm? Nusrat: I'm just tired, okay? That's all. I want to go home. (shushes) Ahmed: Nusrat's going back to the palace. Leila: You should take her. Your father will be in surgery for the rest of the day. Ahmed: I want to be here when he wakes up. Leila: You're a good son. And you'll make a good husband. Take Nusrat to her car. I'll be here. Go. Ahmed: Uncle. Barry: Ahmed. I'm around if you need me. Ahmed: Thanks. Barry: Duty nurse said he'd just gone into surgery. Yussef was kind of vague about his injuries, but he said there was a woman in the car with him. Leila: Jamal can tell you himself. Before he went under, he kept asking to see you. I didn't tell him you tried to run again. Barry: You know that it's hard for me to be here. Leila: Clearly. Maybe someday we can be honest with each other about why. Leila: Bassam, no. Barry: Leila! Where are you going? How did you find this place? Leila: My father. He said it's where the crusaders hid from Saladin. Barry: Okay, so they don't have this in America. Leila: You don't get this... in America. Barry: What are you...? Leila: I don't want you to go. Please, don't go. Don't go. Barry: Leila... Leila: I know, Bassam. Shut up. I know. At least you have a reason to come back. Leila: 20 years, Bassam. 20 years, and you're still running away. Barry: That's my home. That's my life now. Leila: Right. Treating overprivileged children with ear infections. Barry: Excuse me. Molly wants me to call her about Jamal. Ahmed: Sorry if I was a jerk before. Nusrat: No, you weren't a jerk. I was. Ahmed: We weren't expecting to spend our honeymoon this way. Nusrat: Your mother's right. You know what? You're a good husband. (loud popping) (tires screeching) Ahmed: Nusrat? Fahmy: Leave it! Get out. Hurry! Nusrat: Can't! It's stuck! (sirens approaching) Yahia: Fahmy, look. Fahmy: Where are you going?! Get back here! Ali: Forget it. Let's just go. Let's get out of here. We'll never get her out in time. (sirens approaching) They're coming. sh1t. Emma: Pull! (gunshot) I suck at this. Who's that? Sammy: Abdul. Abdul: Salaam alaikum. Sammy: Uh, walla something. Abdul:Wa alaikum as-salaam. Sammy: Right. That thing. Abdul: Hi. Sammy: Hello. Abdul, this is my sister, Emma. Emma: Hey. Abdul: Please, um, accept my condolences. Your grandfather was a great man. And a great marksman. Sammy: So we've heard. Abdul: That's why we're here. To... remember him. We're on his team. Emma: Yeah, we didn't know him very well. Actually, we didn't know him at all, so it's all pretty weird. (cell phone ringing) Sorry. My friend in the States keeps harassing me. McKenna, you'll never believe what I'm doing right now. Abdul: She seems, uh... nice, your sister. Sammy: She's okay. So, we're leaving after the funeral, and I thought maybe we could hang out before I go. Abdul: I'd be disappointed if we didn't. Leila: This is in our territory, do you understand that? Tariq: Leila, trust me. Leila: I don't need this now. Barry: Something happen with Jamal? Leila: Nusrat's car has been ambushed. They're holding her hostage. Barry: Who is? Tariq: Ihab Rashid's terrorists. Barry: Well, what do they want? They must have demands. Tariq: We don't negotiate with terrorists. Ahmed: Do you even know what they want? Leila: Ahmed. Let the General do his job. Ziad: Sir. We have to leave. Ahmed: I'm coming with you. I don't need my mother's permission. Barry: Call me when Jamal's out of surgery. I'll be at the palace. Nusrat: Let me go, and I will do everything I can to make sure you're treated fairly. Fahmy: Keep her quiet. Nusrat: Please. You're making a mistake. Fahmy: I said shut her up! Yahia: Shh. Ali: We should have run when everyone else did. When we had the chance. Fahmy: And let my brother rot in prison? Ali: He'll rot there anyway, and we'll be dead. Look. We're all going to die because of you. Fahmy: Then we'll die. And so will she. Molly: You're back. Barry: Yeah, Jamal will be in, uh, surgery most of the day. But, um... Nusrat is... Molly: John told me. It's awful. Barry: What do you know about what's going on? Tucker: It's what I know about the players. With your father gone, Jamal out of commission, Tariq's gonna do what Tariq does: go in hard. He doesn't have any incentive to resolve this peacefully. Molly: But he wouldn't risk Nusrat's life. Tucker: For Tariq, it's not even "consequences be damned." The consequences give him political cover that he's been looking for. Molly: Cover to do what? Tucker: Impose martial law. That's Tariq's playbook. So, these "terrorists" holding Nusrat, they're just a bunch of kids in over their heads. Barry: Can you, uh... can you talk to him? Tucker: Oh, he wouldn't listen to me. And I represent the U.S. government. Now, he might listen to you. Barry: Me? Tucker: You're an Al Fayeed. Barry: I have no standing here. Tucker: You're Khaled's son. You're Jamal's brother. Blood is everything in this place. You don't need me to tell you that. Molly: You could try. John just wants you to talk to him. Tucker: Listen, if it's not something that you're comfortable doing... Barry: Uh, I'm not. Tucker: I get it. Just a thought. [SCENE_BREAK] Walid: Well... S-so how long will you be staying, Ihab? Ihab: Don't worry, uncle. We won't abuse your hospitality. Walid: No, no, no. It's just... when you asked for a place to stay, you never mentioned anything about storing weapons, and... if trucks are seen coming and going, it could arouse suspicion, you know? Ihab: Ah. Uncle. Walid: Ah, Ihab! Ihab! Ah! Ah! Ihab: You have filled your pockets collaborating with the Al Fayeeds. The only reason I have tolerated you is because you're my father's brother. Walid: Ihab! Ihab: Uncle, the time for playing both sides is coming to an end. Walid: It pains me to hear you make such accusations when my only concern is for your safety, Ihab. Mohammed: Ihab. Ihab: Huh. Mohammed: Kamal's brother Fahmy ambushed a government car. Ihab: Fahmy? (groans) He's a child. Mohammed: He's taken a hostage. Nusrat Al Fayeed. And General Tariq is there. Barry: I came to look for you, but... Amira: John Tucker told me you refused to approach Tariq. Barry: Was it Tucker asking me or was it you? Amira: Well, what difference does it make? The situation is the situation. Barry: It didn't feel like my place to get involved. Amira: Your father is dead, your brother was nearly killed, your nephew's wife is being held hostage. What more needs to happen before you feel compelled to get involved? Barry: I'm just here to pay respects to my father. Amira: How dare you. You can't pay your respects to a man who you disrespected your whole life. Who spent his whole life waiting for his son to come home to him. He loved you, and you broke his heart. I'm only glad that he died before he had to see you run away again. Barry: I am not running away. I'm going home. Amira: Must be nice. To absolve yourself of all responsibility. To have a place where you can go. Pasadena. Where the pain of your family doesn't follow you. You think I couldn't have used a pasadena every once in a while? (sighs) Officer: Put three on position two and one on position one, two contact. (clears throat) Tariq: Bassam, what are you doing here? This is no place for you. Barry: What's the, uh, situation? Tariq: (scoffs) You think I have time to brief you? Barry: Uncle, I understand that they're children. Tariq: Who told you this? John Tucker? (chuckles) Of course. Who else? These americans... childhood in America is a different thing. Terrorists start young here, like gymnasts. Barry: Have you offered them anything? Tariq: Yes, 20 minutes before I go in and kill them all. Bassam... or should I call you Barry? This is not a game. Are your men in position? Ali: They're not talking to us, Fahmy. They won't negotiate. Fahmy: Then we'll kill her. Ali: Don't say that. Fahmy: Why not? Why does she deserve to live any more than any of us? Ali: You're crazy. Fahmy: Because they are making us crazy! My brother did nothing, but they put him in prison. And he'll die there unless I get him out. Nusrat: You have never seen a woman's breasts before... have you? Yahia: Not in real life. I always wanted to see them. In real life. Nusrat: There's a woman out there for you somewhere. But you'll never find her; not if you stay here. They're not watching the back door. You can untie me, and we can walk out of here together. You don't deserve to die here. (soldiers talking) Ziad: Sniper team has a line of sight on one of the terrorists. Tariq: Take one out and move on target. Barry: Uncle... Tariq: We're done talking. Barry: No, we're not. Look, it's my niece in there. If you won't wait for my brother, then at least let me go in and talk to them. Tariq: So I can tell Jamal when he's out of surgery I let his brother get himself killed? Go back to the palace, Bassam. Better yet, go home. Barry: You know what? I get it. You don't even want Nusrat to get out of this, do you? Because if she lives, then you lose your excuse to crack down on Ihab and his followers. Tariq: I won't even dignify that with an answer. Barry: I'm going in there. Tariq: Bassam! Let him go. Nusrat: Please, please, please... Fahmy: Idiot. I told you don't talk with her! You need to listen to me! What the hell are you doing? Ali: I'm not waiting for them to come in here and kill us. Fahmy: What about my brother, huh? Ali: Get up. Fahmy: Ali! Ali: I'm walking out with her, and begging for our lives. Fahmy: Now you're the one who's crazy! You think they'll just let you go? Ali: We'll find out. Fahmy: Come on, let her go. Ali: Or what? You'll shoot me? Fahmy: If I have to. Yahia: Guys. Fahmy: Shut up! Don't test me, Ali. Let go of her. Yahia: Look. (Nusrat groans) Barry: I'm unarmed. Fahmy: Don't come any closer. Barry: I just want to talk. Fahmy: I said don't move. Ali: Fahmy! Let's hear what he has to say. Fahmy: Fine. Slowly. Barry: You okay? Ali: Who are you? Fahmy: He asked you who you are. Barry: I'm Barry... Bassam Al Fayeed. Fahmy: Jamal's brother? Barry: And Khaled's son. Fahmy: See? He's an even better hostage than she is. They will definitely trade him for my brother. Barry: No. That's never gonna happen. But any minute now, Tariq's men are gonna come in here and kill all three of you. None of us has to die. Not if you listen to me. Fahmy: Why should we listen to you when no one listens to us? Ali: Let him talk. Barry: Tariq won't be satisfied with you, do you understand? He'll go after your fathers and your uncles and your cousins. But if you put your weapons down and walk out of here with me, I promise you, I'll do everything I can to make sure you're fairly treated. Fahmy: Bullshit! Ali: Fahmy... Fahmy: He is Al Fayeed! Barry: Only an Al Fayeed can save you now. Tariq: You should have told me he was coming. I won't forget you didn't. Ziad: General. Soldier: Coming out! Ahmed: Nusrat! Soldier: Move in! (Tariq whispering) (Nusrat sobbing) Barry: Uncle. Please, let them go. Show them some mercy; they're just kids. I gave them my word. Tariq: Your word? Barry: As an Al Fayeed. (gunshots) Tariq: A month from now, one of them would have turned up at a bus stop or a train station wearing a bomb. Better their blood than ours. Yussef: Bassam, come. You saved Nusrat. If not for you, she would have been killed, too. Let's go. Cohen: You suffered severe lacerations and a lot of tissue damage, but we managed to repair the pudendal vein and most of the necrosis around the bulbar... Jamal: - English. Speak english. Did you fix me? Cohen: The surgery was successful. Jamal: You're not answering my question. Cohen: I'm trying, Mr. President. Jamal: Just tell me. Will it work again? Cohen: It should. Eventually. But we'll know more once you've had time to heal. (Jamal sighs) (Jamal chuckles) Jamal: You are enjoying this, aren't you? Leila: Dr. Cohen, could you please wait for me outside? Cohen: Of course. Mr. President. (door opens and closes) Leila: Jamal, your father, whom I loved very much, died the day of our son's wedding. Then, you nearly unmanned yourself and left me a widow. How could I possibly take any pleasure in this? Jamal: Did you hear what she called me? "Mr. President." Leila: Something happened while you were in surgery... Mr. President. (quiet chatter) Cohen: Thank you. Leila: My husband needs to deliver the eulogy tomorrow at his father's funeral. He needs to be on his feet. Cohen: I'm not sure that's a good idea. Leila: The president can't deliver the eulogy from a wheelchair, can he? Cohen: As long as he's careful. Leila: Good. I'd also like to remind you to keep this confidential, because if the story leaks, or it's on twitter, there will be consequences. Cohen: Don't threaten me, Mrs. Al fayeed. Leila: Dr. Cohen... How old is your son now, Arya? Seven? I've been told he has a beautiful smile. Thank you, doctor. Barry: How is he? Leila: Still Jamal. Barry: Can I go in? Leila: Bassam. Ahmed told me what you did. Barry: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's all right. Shh. It's okay. Shh. (Leila crying) Leila: Oh. You need to go to your brother. (Leila sighs deeply) Barry: Jamal. Easy on the morphine. Jamal: There he is. The great American hero. Barry: I doubt uncle Tariq would agree. Jamal: Tariq. Father called him "the hammer." For him, every problem is a nail. But, you know, sometimes you need a hammer. (Jamal sighs) This motherless pig, Ihab Rashid... he tried to kill me. And he will try again unless I kill him first. I need to be stronger, brother. Like father. Barry: You're ready for this, Jamal. Jamal: Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be? Khaled: Jamal, get out right now, get out. No please. Do you hear me? Please. Get out of the car. No. (gunshot) Barry: There. It's done. Leave him alone. My whole life I have been getting ready. I knew this day will come. Only, some part of me believed he will live forever. I keep expecting him to walk through that door. (sighs) Angry, of course. How do you work this? Molly: Hey. You been up this whole time? Barry: I keep thinking about those boys. Molly: Oh... baby. That's not your fault. You did everything you could. Barry: Yeah. Molly: You saved Nusrat. Barry: I understand their anger... powerlessness. When I was their age, I was so ashamed. "What does your family do?" "Oh, us? We're in the oppression business." Molly: Oh, I think it was a little more complicated than that. Barry: Yeah, but... I was a teenager. I thought I only had bad choices. Live with this obscene privilege and pretend like there's no price to any of it, or protest on the streets against my own father. (Molly sighs) Fauzi could speak his mind. I couldn't. And so I ran away. Denied all of it. Watched thousands of hours of american TV so I didn't even sound like them. Molly: When I first met you, buried in your books, I knew you were hiding. I wanted to call you Bassam, remember? I thought it was a beautiful name. But you wouldn't let me. You said you were Barry now. Barry: And those arguments I made don't seem to hold up so well anymore. Not with my father gone. I'm an Al Fayeed. That means I'm a powerful man here. Even if I run away again, isn't that still on my head? Whenever Tariq acts in my brother's name, whenever Jamal is too weak to say, "no, enough," won't there be blood on my hands no matter how far away I run? Molly: Are you asking my permission to stay? Barry: I look at those boys. They died for their brother. Now what do I say to mine? [SCENE_BREAK] Sammy: How friggin' crazy is this? Emma: How crazy is it what dad did yesterday? I mean, what the hell? Sammy: That was actually pretty cool. Emma: It was totally reckless. What, dad's some kind of action hero all of a sudden? It's dad. This... the whole weekend has been completely surreal. (man singing in arabic) Molly: Thank you. John: Thank you. Molly: You doing all right? Barry: Yeah. Jamal: Bassam. Barry: I'll be right back. Yeah? Jamal: Tell my wife I can't read this sh1t. Leila: You approved it. Jamal: I was medicated. This is no eulogy for a son to say over his father. These are empty words written by a flunky. Leila: These people... the entire nation... are expecting their new president to pay tribute. Barry: Let me talk to my brother. Leila: No, there is no other speech, Bassam. (Barry clears throat) Jamal: See? It's bullshit. Barry: You in pain? How much, out of ten? Jamal: Eleven. Barry: Did you take anything? Jamal: I'm eulogizing our father, Bassam. I need my wits. (singing ends) Jamal: What do you think I should say, Bassam? Barry: Forget the speech. Jamal: And say what? Barry: Hey, just tell them the truth. (Jamal exhales) Leila: Why do you have the speech? Barry: It's okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Jamal: My family, fellow countrymen, and visiting friends. I am here... It... It wasn't always easy being my father's son. In fact, it was never easy. My father was a hard man to please. Stubborn. Demanding. But only a hard, stubborn, demanding man could have healed the deep wounds inflicted by generations of civil strife and forged a lasting peace. Only a hard, stubborn, demanding man could have summoned the strength to unite this great nation and lead it into the community of nations. Today I stand before you to remember not just the ruler, but the man. Not just the father who raised this great nation, but my father, who raised me and my brother. Who taught us that without family, we have nothing. Without family, we are nothing. Molly: You okay? (phone vibrates) Jamal: Hello. Barry: Jamal, it's, uh, it's me, Bassam. So, um... What would you think if I hung around for a while? Jamal: Oh, Bassam. Barry: Is that the vicodin talking or is that a yes? Jamal: That is a yes, yes. Thank you, little brother.

Plan: A: Barry's older brother; Q: Who is Jamal? A: Jamal; Q: Who is the newly appointed President of Abbudin? A: America; Q: Where does Barry want to return to? A: terrorists; Q: Who kidnapped Barry's nephew's new bride? Summary: When Barry's older brother, Jamal, the newly appointed President of Abbudin, is incapacitated, Barry must put his plans to return to America on hold. His life is further complicated, when his nephew's new bride is kidnapped by terrorists.

"The Woman in the Garden" [SCENE_BREAK] [A street where a man is being arrested after being pulled over by the police. The intersection of the street has been tapped off and people are watching behind the tape. Investigators are taking photos of the red car and looking around.] POLICE #1: (to the man he's cuffing) If you had any kind of weapon like a gun or a knife or something like that, you'd let me know, right, buddy? POLICE #2: Make it easier on yourself. POLICE #3: (approaching) Guys, fed are on the way. (Sirens going off) Booth and Brennan arrive in their SUV. They get out and walk onto the crime scene. BRENNAN: Why'd they call in the FBI to Little Salvador? BOOTH: Well, the car's got Virginia plates, crossed the state line. Then there's a suspected gang member. Then there's RICO to deal with. What, Bones, do you really wanna know? BRENNAN: No, I was just using it as an excuse to make conversation and reestablish our connection. BOOTH: (puzzled) What? BRENNAN: I read a book about improving work relationships. It's not fair to expect you to tell me everything. BOOTH: I appreciate the effort Bones. Shots of Little Salvador with the street vendors and Pupusa restaurants (yummy!) and agents talking to people looking on. BRENNAN: It's like they recreated their country here, right down to being terrified of the police. BOOTH: A lot of these people, they're undocumented. They get nervous around law enforcement. (Approaching the suspect and policemen, holding out his badge.) What do we got? POLICE: He ran the stop sign. I pulled him over, he tried to run. BOOTH: (laying his hands on the suspects back reveals a tattoo on his back.) Oh, look at this, huh? A Mara Muerte tattoo. It's one of the most feared gangs in the area. No wonder he was chauffeuring a dead body around, huh? Couldn't just join the Boys Club, pal? (getting into his face) BRENNAN: (to the policeman) And I'm here because... POLICE: (leading her to the trunk of the car) Routine inspection of the vehicle...I found this. BOOTH: (reveals decomposed body in the trunk) Oh. BRENNAN: (putting on gloves to examine) Vertical brow ridge suggests female. Recently dug up, looks like. (pointing to the suspect) Could you hold his hands up, please? (Booth goes over to take a look) We should analyze the dirt on his hands and compare it to the dirt on the shovel and the remains. BOOTH: (to the suspect) Where was she buried? (Suspect ignores him) BRENNAN: (in Spanish) Where was she buried? Why did you dig her up? (suspect continues to ignore them). BOOTH: Great, how he's ignoring us in two languages. BRENNAN: Where's the nearest cemetery? POLICE: The closest one I know about is Holy Rood, but that's a good ten miles from here. The people looking on, watching what is happening. BRENNAN: (in Spanish, to the people looking on) Excuse me ... Can you help us? We're wondering if there's a cemetery nearby? (The onlookers look put off and walk away, not willing to help.) BOOTH: Maybe your Spanish is a little rusty? BRENNAN: They come from a place where getting involved gets you killed. Gun shots go off as a black car rolls by shooting at them. Everyone ducks for cover. MAN: Get down! Get down! The suspect starts to make a break for it MAN: Shots fired! Shots fired! Booth starts to chase after him. Various shots of Booth chasing after the suspect through alleys. BOOTH: HEY! Suspect climbs over a fence. BOOTH: Don't make me shoot you! Booth tries to grab his foot to stop him from getting over the fence, but he gets over and runs away. Brennan arrives in the ally as Booth is upset that the suspect got away. [SCENE_BREAK] At the Jeffersonian Lab, Brennan, Angela and Zack are on the platform examining the remains from the trunk. Hodgins is examining other evidence. ZACK: (going through his notes) Uh, decomp, insect activity, volatile fatty acid levels in the soil due to putrefaction suggest she was buried for approximately six months. HODGINS: (examining the evidence) Typically, gravediggers are necrophiliacs looking for a little action. ANGELA: Um, ew. ZACK: Dental exam shows shoveled incisors and striated enamel. BRENNAN: Indicating? ZACK: Malnutrition. Which is consistent with anthropometrics suggesting the victim is from Central America. BRENNAN: The body was found in a Salvadoran neighbourhood. HODGINS: In Pikeville, Tennessee, a guy dug up the graves of all these people because he wanted to make sure their bodies were still there. They weren't. BRENNAN: (to Angela) Make a sketch of the face. I'm not sure we'll find a match, she might have been undocumented. (Picking up tray with a rosary on it) Goodman is an expert in religious iconography, maybe he'll be able to determine where this rosary was made. (Angela takes it.) ZACK: Depression fracture on her occipital bone straddling the left lamdoidal suture. Looks like one hard hit congruent with, say, a baseball bat. BRENNAN: She was religious; she should've had a casket, a proper burial with her name on a headstone. We are going to find out who she is, and we are going to give her that. [SCENE_BREAK] FBI building. In the interrogation room, Booth is talking with Miguel Villeda, an unruly type with tattoos all over him. BOOTH: Miguel Villeda, warlord of the Vanganza Rojas street gang. According to this, you...you are one fierce, fierce guy. MIGUEL: Well, it didn't stop your guys from picking me up. BOOTH: They tell you why? MIGUEL: Someone took a shot at some Mara Muerte espuma. BOOTH: Not a shot, hmmmm? A couple dozen shots. A drive-by. Hardly anyone is stupid enough to shoot at those guys anymore. Your name came up. MIGUEL (smiling) It wasn't my people. So are you gonna charge me with something or let me go? BOOTH: (flipping through file) Extortion, drugs, assault, attempted murder, hmm? (drops file on table) I could hold you for a while if you wanna play that game. MIGUEL: What's your problem man? BOOTH: What's my problem? (getting upset) My problem is that somebody shot at me...shot at me and my partner. Plus, a bad guy got away. So I'm a little cranky about the whole thing. MIGUEL: (leaning in) Mmmm. Mira carvacho. I don't really scare that way. You know, the whole in-your-face staring thing. BOOTH: No? MIGUEL: (smiling) No. BOOTH: Give me a chance man, I'm just getting started. MIGUEL: Mmmm. So somebody shot at you, huh? BOOTH: That's right. MIGUEL: Think about it. When was the last time you heard of a drive-by where no one got hit? BOOTH: Innocent bystanders mostly. It's not like you always hit what you aim at. MIGUEL: (pointing to his head) Think just for a couple of seconds about why the guy never got hit. (Booth thinks, gets a look) Ah, yeah. You see? You got it now? BOOTH: You're saying that Mara Muerte did a drive-by on their own guy? MIGUEL: (nods head) A drive-by happens, yeah, and you all hit the deck. (fingers demonstrating running on table) And the gangbanger makes a run for it. [SCENE_BREAK] Platform of the lab where the bones are laid out. Brennan is examining them as Booth walks up onto the platform. BOOTH: K, I have it on good authority that the guys who shot at our killer were doing it so he'd have a chance to escape. BRENNAN: (holding a bone) The victim was pregnant when she was hit over the head. (places bone back down.) BOOTH: Pregnant? BRENNAN: Yeah, five weeks along. Get your hands off there. (pointing at Booth's hands on the table.) HODGINS: (from a workstation adjacent to the platform) I ran samples from the body, shovels and burlap through the gas chromatograph and it all came back full of organic compounds. Plant detritus, root remnants, fertilizer. BOOTH: Sounds like stuff you'd find in a cemetery. HODGINS: Well, I also found this. (Holds up a dish) Fernaldia pandurata, otherwise known as loroco buds. BRENNAN: Loroco is an edible flowering plant, it's native to El Salvador. It's grown in vegetable gardens, not cemeteries. BOOTH: She was buried in a vegetable garden? BRENNAN: Mmmm. BOOTH: Ok, can you recognize this loco plant? BRENNAN: Loroco. I've eaten it, but I wouldn't recognize the plant. HODGINS: It's quite distinctive. I'm also analyzing the dirt and particulates on the shoe you got off the suspect. At first glance it matches the vegetation we've already found but with a couple extras I'm still checking out. BOOTH: (clapping hands) Ok, Hodgins, suit up, you're coming with us. We're going to the barrio. HODGINS: Field work. (excited) Cool! Do I get a gun? BRENNAN: You can't arm Hodgins and not me. BOOTH: What is with you people and the guns, huh? [SCENE_BREAK] Inside of the car, Booth and Brennan are in the front, Hodgins in the back. HODGINS: (looking out on the street, with idle people just hanging around) Look at this. The government bankrupts itself giving tax breaks to the rich so that there's no money left to help these people with job training, educational resources, health care. BOOTH: (not amused) Just look for a garden with the plant. HODGINS: (to Brennan) Those who do manage to land a job are working for minimum wage that hasn't seen a hike in eight years. BRENNAN: That's for those who are here legally. The undocumented do a lot worse. BOOTH: What is this, NPR radio? Huh? What, are you two running for office? HOGINS: Look, over there. [SCENE_BREAK] San Cristobel Community Garden, all three are looking around. HODGINS: Loroco plant. (Walks over to it.) That's the same approximate maturity that would've yielded the buds we found. (Brennan looks over to a patch of grass, puts her bag down and examines the soil.) BRENNAN: Adipocere (picking up soil). Forms on the body in response to moisture on the ground. HODGINS: Trogid beetles. They got a think for decomposing flesh. I found a couple on the burlap. BOOTH: (using his pen to pick something up.) The rest of the rosary. BRENNAN: (pointing at another spot) There's another freshly-overturned pile of dirt over here. (examines the soil there) More adipocere. BOOTH: Not from the same body? BRENNAN: Another body was buried here, but it's gone now. BOOTH: Double homicide. [SCENE_BREAK] At the lab, Zack and Brennan are cutting into the skull. Booth walks in. BOOTH: I spoke to the city development office. Garden is scheduled to be excavated next week for construction. My guess is we interrupted a gangbanger moving the body of two murder victims. BRENNAN: (behind a face mask) A gangbanger who buries his victim with a rosary? BOOTH: What, did you find any gunshot wounds? ZACK: (behind mask too) No, just head trauma. BOOTH: You really like this part, don't you? BRENNAN: I like answers, yes. Brennan placing a section of the skull under a microscope to examine. BRENNAN: Localized staining on the endocranial surface, indicating... ZACK: Subdural hematoma. The head wound caused internal bleeding, but death was not instantaneous. BRENNAN: (looking at screen) She may have been conscious for some time after the assault. ZACK: But there's no sign of bone remodeling. She died soon after the assault. (Brennan flips over the skull section) There's patterning on the ectocranial surface. Whatever weapon was used, it left a mark. [SCENE_BREAK] In another part of the lab, Booth and Brennan are walking and talking. BOOTH: Our gang unit's gonna bring in the leader of Mara Muerte, see if we can identify the gangbanger that got away. BRENNAN: Why would a gang leader cooperate? BOOTH: I'm gonna ask him very, very nicely, Bones. BRENNAN: You know that book I'm reading, about getting along with your coworkers? It says that sarcasm is never helpful. I could lend it to you if you want. HODGINS: (approaching them) I found Spodoptera, Ornithogalae and Tetranychus urticae on the suspect's show and on the victim. (passes file to Brennan) I also found Notonectidae and Corixidae. It's aquatic fauna typically only found in and around ponds and streams. BRENNAN: There are no ponds or streams at the burial site. HODGINS: Yeah, and here's the kicker. There was also evidence of genetic material from a Franklinia alatamaha on his shoe. BOOTH: (skeptical) You're kidding. I'm in shock. Frankie Alabama, you don't say? BRENNAN: Did you hear what I said about sarcasm? HODGINS: It's a rare flowering plant that hasn't been seen in the wild since 1800. The only known specimen in this area outside a specialized botanical garden was given to Senator Alan Corman as a gift. (hands file to Booth) Oh, I love going after senators. BOOTH: Whoa, just simmer down there. We're gonna check out the botanical garden first. HODGINS: Fine. It's at the White House. BRENNAN: Yeah! (smiling and laughing with Hodgins, giving him a high-five.) BOOTH: Ok, you guys should do that even less than normal people. HODGINS: Make sure to keep your eyes open for backswimmers and water boatmen while you are there. Remember the Notonectidae can be different colours, you know, so... BOOTH: (interrupting) That's a nice try, ok? You're coming with us. HODGINS: (holding up hand) I call shotgun. [SCENE_BREAK] Inside Booth's car. Brennan is riding shotgun, not Hodgins, who is in the back. HODGINS: I called shotgun. What does it mean to a society when the niceties are no longer observed? BOOTH: (not amused) Ok, look, we got two bodies, alright? One unaccounted for. We've been shot at, and now we know that there's a gang member walking around a US senator's place. Any theories? (Brennan and Hodgins book shake their heads.) Oh, come on guys. Let's think of it as a puzzle, and there's a missing piece. BRENNAN: I like puzzles, I find them relaxing. I just finished "The Anatomy Lesson", Rembrandt. BOOTH: You're kidding, right? BRENNAN: No. What do you find relaxing? BOOTH: I restore vintage cars. HODGINS: I know what I find relaxing. BOOTH: Everybody finds what you find relaxing relaxing. HODGINS: Senator Corman is a big supporter of business leaders in Central America. That means supporting repressive regimes that use death squads to silence any opposition from the working people which are the same people who flee to the States. BOOTH: Ok, that's great. That's good. Let's focus. That's good, cause now we have a link between Corman and the Salvadorans. BRENNAN: Wait, now you think the senator murdered two people? BOOTH: I just think we got another piece of the puzzle, that's all. [SCENE_BREAK] Senator Corman's house in Chevy Chase, MD. There are gardeners working outside as they talk to the Senator and his wife on the lawn. MRS. CORMAN: Because of my husband's official work in El Salvador, we've found a bond with the country and the people. CORMAN: In fact, we have several Salvadoran immigrants working here at the house. I've actually sponsored quite a few for citizenship. HODGINS: Citizenship screening would keep out members of death squads. BOOTH: (coughs) Hodgins. CORMAN: Just because I'm antisocialist doesn't make me pro death squad. BOOTH: Dr. Brennan has found evidence that a gang member has been on your property recently. MRS. CORMAN: We employ twenty staff members, give or take. CORMAN: All of our staff members are either legal aliens or citizens. Our house manager's in charge of hiring them and managing them. BOOTH: Do you recognize this man? (shows sketch of the suspect) CORMAN: No, I assume he did something worse than trespass on my property? BOOTH: House manager, is he from El Salvador? MRS. CORMAN: Yes. CORMAN: Agent, you didn't answer my question. BOOTH: We're investigating a death, Senator Corman. You understand why I can't talk about it. BRENNAN: Perhaps we could show this picture to your house manager? CORMAN: Of course. They start to walk over the grounds. HODGINS: Franklinia alatamaha. It's beautiful. (pointing at it) MRS. CORMAN: Yes, we're the only people cultivating it privately. BRENNAN: Senator, do you have a pond on the property? CORMAN: Yes, on the other side of the shrubs. It's small. BRENNAN: Could Dr. Hodgins take a look at it? CORMAN: Of course, be my guest. (Hodgins goes off.) Logan, come say hello. We have guests (to a man talking to the gardeners.) Our son, he's studying landscape architecture at Georgetown. Likes to supervise the men sometimes. (to Logan) Logan, this is Special Agent Booth from the FBI and his associate, Dr. Brennan. LOGAN: What's the FBI doing here? CORMAN: They would like to ask Hector some questions. LOGAN: Yeah. (turns) Hey, Hector? Ven, hablarmos para tu? HECTOR: (giving directions before coming over towards them) Yes, sir? BOOTH: Hector, I'm Special Agent Booth, you recognize this guy? (shows him sketch) HECTOR: (looks) No, I don't think so. LOGAN: (looking as well) That could be Jose. He works here sometimes as a gardener. HECTOR: Really? I don't think so. (hands sketch back) BRENNAN: Jose who? LOGAN: Jose Vargas. MRS. CORMAN: Logan, Agent Booth said he was in a gang. LOGAN: (disbelief) A gang? No, no way. Jose's a nice guy. You know, wife and kid. HODGINS: (emerging from the trees) I found both backswimmers and water boatmen. All of them head over to the pond, where Brennan veers off to examine a patch of grass. BRENNAN: (to Hector, in Spanish) Did you recently do some planting over there? HECTOR: (replies in Spanish) BOOTH: What is it? BRENNAN: (in Spanish) Can I borrow a trowel. HECTOR: Gladly (gets one and passes it to her.) BRENNAN: Gracias. Brennan digs around while everyone watches intently, revealing a body. BRENNAN: Looks like we found the second body. [SCENE_BREAK] Platform at the lab. Brennan, Zack and Hodgins are working on the new body. HODGINS: Puparia casing of tineid moths puts the time of death of this one at about a year, six months before the girl. ZACK: Heart shaped pelvic inlet, long projections of bone into the rib cartilage suggest we have a male over sixty. BRENNAN: Anthropometrics suggests Hispanic origins. GOODMAN: (walking onto the platform) We've reassembled the rosary found on the young woman. The carving of fire in the centerpiece is an archetypal symbol found at an area of El Salvador since the Chaparrastique volcano erupted in 1787. BRENNAN: So this might indicate where the female victim's from? GOODMAN: Yeah, a village called Milagro de la Paz in the southeast of the country. BRENNAN: I was there three years ago identifying victims of the death squads. ANGELA: (approaching with a sketchbook) I finished the sketch of the woman. She was pregnant, starting over in a new country, so I gave her a smile, made her look hopeful. BRENNAN: (looking at sketch) Thanks Angela. Alright, let's clean the bones so we can find a cause of death. ZACK: (looking at the bones in the pelvis region) I think I just found it. (places magnify lens over it.) BRENNAN: It's a bullet. Looks like steel core, copper jacket. HODGINS: Military issue. Those are the kinds of weapons gangs like. BRENNAN: They escape from the death squads and wind up being killed by the same weapon that they were running from. [SCENE_BREAK] Shot of SUV driving. BOOTH: (voice over) I got Jose's address from Logan. Let's check it out. Apartment 4B, Booth and Brennan enter an empty apartment and look around. BOOTH: (entering the apartment) Thanks. FBI, make your presence known. BRENNAN: (looking at photos on a table) Look, he has a family, a baby. (calling out) Is anybody here? You don't have to be afraid. (repeats it in Spanish) BOOTH: Of course they're gonna be afraid Bones, I have a gun. BRENNAN: (looking at another photo, of an older couple in front of a church) Milagro de la Paz, that's where the victims are from. BOOTH: (holding a bottle of milk left on top of the TV) They had to have been here a few minutes ago, the bottle's still warm. BRENNAN: They're still here. BOOTH: How do you know? BRENNAN: (looking around) They're prepared for this kind of thing. (walking into another room) Hiding from death squads, people learn to build false walls. BOOTH: Closet. (tries to stop Brennan) Ok, hold on Bones. Let's just pretend that I'm the cop for a second, ok? Just... (walks into the closest and knocks around) Booth finds a latch and opens a trap door type thing, pulling out his gun. Inside hiding is a woman clutching her baby, trying to prevent him from crying. Cut to the woman and baby now sitting on the bed, being interrogated by Booth and Brennan. WOMAN: (in Spanish saying she doesn't know anything.) BRENNAN: (in Spanish asking her where Jose is.) BOOTH: What did you say? BRENNAN: That we just wanna talk to Jose. That they'll all be safe, and they have nothing to worry about. BOOTH: (approaching the woman, in a more direct voice) Do you wanna be deported? Do you wanna see your baby again? Because if he was born here, he doesn't have to go back with you. We can keep him. BRENNAN: Booth, stop. She's frightened enough. BOOTH: Bones, we have a double murder on our hands. BRENNAN: But she didn't do it. BOOTH: Just tell her what I said, ok? Tell her we're calling immigration. Tell her we'll get to Jose. BRENNAN: No! She's lived with terror and intimidation her whole life. I'm not gonna add to it. BOOTH: Alright, you know what, you're acting like I'm gonna hurt her or something. I was just trying to get a little information. BRENNAN: (pleading) I am asking you as a favour not to make me do this...to scare her. Please? (looks are exchanged) [SCENE_BREAK] At the lab. Zack, Brennan and Angela are examining the remains some more. ZACK: (looking at screen) This is interesting. ANGELA: Interesting or horrible? Because sometimes, it's the same thing with you. ZACK: This hole in the sternum, it's definitely not a gunshot wound. BRENNAN: It's a sternal foramen. ZACK: I found the same exact thing on the female victim's sternum. It seemed like a meaningless anomaly. BRENNAN: It's a hereditary condition. The two victims were related. ZACK: (Hodgins walks in) Based on their ages, father and daughter. ANGELA: So father and daughter buried next to each other, right? Then dug up. But then the father is reburied, why? HODGINS: The gangbanger was probably taking the daughter to be reburied when the coops pulled him over. BRENNAN: This is the stuff that Booth is good at...the murky ways of the human heart. ZACK: Yeah. BRENNAN: All that. ZACK: We work the hard evidence. HODGINS: We've used up all the evidence. BRENNAN: (exasperated) OK. Let's just...you know what? Let's pretend we're Booth, ok? HODGINS: (getting into it) Oooh! Let, let, let me try! Ooh. (makes a motion like Booth with something in his hand, Angela smiles. Does his best Booth impersonation) The daughter got pregnant from the killer in El Salvador, then came here. He catches up to him, they fight. ANGELA: (laughing) He joins a gang and then kills her. HODGINS: The father comes after him seeking revenge and the killer kills him. Oh! BRENNAN: No, no. The father's death preceded the daughter's by at least six months. ZACK: (looking up from the bones) I found something. I can't get this bullet out of the pelvic bone. (pulls magnify glass for better look.) BRENNAN: (looks) Oh, wow. ZACK: The bone started healing around the bullet. See the remodeling? BRENNAN: This wound healed years ago, he didn't die by being shot. HODGINS: Tough old b*st*rd. ANGELA: How was he murdered? BRENNAN: He wasn't murdered. ZACK: Metastatic carcinoma. BRENNAN: Probably originating in the prostate. ANGELA: So, he survives being shot, but then he dies of cancer? HODGINS: Mega tough old b*st*rd. ANGELA: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Booth's office @ the FBI, Brennan enters. BRENNAN: (knocking) Anything? BOOTH: Yeah. Immigration has the wife, she got a lawyer from the Salvadoran League or something or other. And she's not giving us anything about Jose. BRENNAN: You mad at me? BOOTH: Nope. But you know, I could've gotten something back there if you hadn't gotten all mushy on me. BRENNAN: I was uncomfortable with...(stops, and restarts.) You always say I'm not a cop. You're what, especially in a situation like that. BOOTH: Nah, it's ok. We're not gonna need her anyway. BRENNAN: Really? Why? BOOTH: Because I had the gang unit put a lean on Roberto Ortez, he's the head of Mara Muerte. BRENNAN: The gang that Jose belongs to? BOOTH: Yeah, I convinced Ortez to bring Jose in for questioning. BRENNAN: But why would he do that? BOOTH: Ortez's sister's in the can on possession charges. I promised him I could make that go away. BRENNAN: Can you? BOOTH: I don't know, it's a local beef, I'm federal. But, hey, you know...I'm a cop, and thank God for bad sisters, huh? [SCENE_BREAK] Street outside. A car pulls up and shoves Jose out of the backseat. He looks obviously beaten and there's a note attached to him saying 'Special delivery for Agent Seeley Booth FBI' [SCENE_BREAK] Hospital room where Jose is being treated. The doctor is talking to Booth and Brennan. DOCTOR: He has a collapsed lung, several broken ribs, one arm is broken the other shoulder's dislocated. BOOTH: But we can talk to him? DOCTOR: You can try. BOOTH: Hey, thanks. Doctor leaves, and Booth and Brennan gets closer to Jose's bed. BOOTH: Wow. (whistles) Your own guys...they do this to you? Geez, I wish I had my own gang. JOSE: I don't belong to no gang, I'm a gardener. BOOTH: Oh, a gardener with a Mara Muerte tattoo on his neck who can now understand English and who likes to plant dead bodies. (Brennan is looking at his hospital charts) JOSE: Maybe that stuff's private. (Brennan looks up from the files, as if she's discovered something.) BOOTH: Hey, you know what? You're an illegal immigrant. You're a gang member, you're under arrest for transporting a dead body in a stolen car and you're under suspicion for murder. I'm gonna call ICE and have you and your wife deported back to El Salvador. JOSE: I got a son. BOOTH: Forget it, we keep the son. JOSE: That's my son. That's my only son. You got kids? BOOTH: No. BRENNAN: What, yes you do. BOOTH: Difference is, I'm a fit father. I'm not going around murdering guys and little girls, burying them, digging them up. BRENNAN: (looking at Jose's x-ray, that shows the same markings on his sternum) Booth, I don't think he murdered those people. BOOTH: (disbelieving) You can tell if he murdered someone by looking at his x-rays? BRENNAN: He has the same genetic condition the two victims had. A sternal foramen. They were probably his sister and his father. BOOTH: (to Jose) That true? Hey, you know what, buddy? You wanna be on my good side because I wasn't joking about keeping your kid. JOSE: Yes, it's my sister. It was my father. BRENNAN: Your father died of natural causes, fine, but your sister was murdered. BOOTH: You know what? Forget it. The gang is the only family Jose cares about. You know, enjoy your trip back home, and have fun explaining to your wife why she doesn't have a baby in her arms. BRENNAN: (to Jose) Give us something. Help us to do the right thing for your sister. JOSE: I cannot. BRENNAN: Just anything. At least you could tell us their names. JOSE: You want their names, huh? Duarte was our family name. Maria was my sister, our father was named Augustine. That's all I can tell you. [SCENE_BREAK] FBI interrogation room where Booth and Brennan are interrogating Ortez. ORTEZ: Jose's sister hated him. BOOTH: Hated him, why? ORTEZ: She didn't approve of his associations. BRENNAN: You mean associations like the leader of one of the most murderous street gangs in the country? BOOTH: Look, if she hated Jose so much, why was he moving her body? ORTEZ: Her burial site was threatened. He wanted to move her to a better place, and his father. Real family guy, you know? (to Brennan) I'm not the leader of the whole gang. Just the DC chapter. (Brennan doesn't look amused) BOOTH: You shot at us so Jose could have a chance to get away? ORTEZ: The Mara Muerte takes care of its own, even a throwaway like Jose. BRENNAN: Can I ask you something? ORTEZ: Go ahead. BRENNAN: Jose's all beaten up, so he won't tell us anything. But you, you don't even ask for a lawyer, but you hardly stop talking. BOOTH: (warningly) Bones... ORTEZ: I'm the boss, lady, ok? Jose's a sobrenado. That baboso is not as smart as me. BRENNAN: You intimidate him into silence, but you can walk in here to the FBI, say whatever you want and walk away like you own the place? ORTEZ: That's right. BOOTH: Look, all I need to know is who would have the guts to kill his sister? ORTES: Who cares, man? BOOTH: Come on Ortez, the sister of the Mara Muerte...it's the most feared gang in the city. ORTEZ: She wasn't my sister, man. BRENNAN: It had to be somebody else in the gang, somebody more important than Jose. ORTEZ: You know what, lady? You think too much. (in a threatening tone) Maybe you need a man like me to get your mind off of things. You know what I'm saying? I can be your adoring Salvadoran. (gives a kiss gesture, Brennan is upset at this and leaves the room.) Look, I don't know who killed Jose's sister. But I'll tell you what, because I like you so much, if I find out who did it, I'll kill him. (laughs) [SCENE_BREAK] Hallway of the FBI office. Brennan is waiting for the elevator as Ortez approaches to wait too. ORTEZ: (approaching) You've been waiting for me? Push that button again, and we can go down together, junas. BRENNAN: You think you can intimidate people into doing what you want? ORTEZ: Ok, I'll push it myself. (he moves toward the button, but Brennan turns and gets in between.) BRENNAN: How do you handle someone who isn't afraid of you? ORTEZ: Just get out of my way. (getting aggravated, as Booth approaches from behind) I said move your ass, man. (Ortez grabs hold of Brennan's arm.) BOOTH: (alarmed, holding out his hand) I wouldn't ...oh. Brennan slams her forearm into Ortez's nose area. BOOTH: That's gonna hurt in the morning. ORTEZ: (noise is bleeding) Bitch... (takes a swing at Brennan, but she ducks.) He tries to punch Brennan, but she blocks them before kicking him and Ortez falls onto the ground. She steps over him into the arriving elevator. BOOTH: Feel better? BRENNAN: (smiling) Yeah. I really do. (elevator closes.) [SCENE_BREAK] Brennan's office @ the Jeffersonian. She's working at her desk as Angela enters. ANGELA: You beat up a gang leader? BRENNAN: Booth told you that? ANGELA: You did. (sitting down) You got into a fight with a gangbanger. BRENNAN: You're mad at me? ANGELA: The guy's a killer, Brennan. BRENNAN: Angela, relax. We were in the FBI building. ANGELA: Look, I know you're all about self-reliance and fighting your own battles and standing up for yourself, but now, as your friend, and knowing how much you hate psychology here, you need therapy. BRENNAN: I'm sorry I upset you. It's just that I've dealt with him before. ANGELA: With who? BRENNAN: People who get what they want through fear. Gangbangers, members of death squads... ANGELA: I know it's psychology again, but you said "him", like one guy. BRENNAN: I didn't mean Ortez specifically, I meant people like him. On my last trip to El Salvador... ANGELA: Yeah, I remember, I tried to get you to go to Italy with me. BRENNAN: (continuing) I was in a tent set up by one of the grave sites. I was working with the remains of a young girl, maybe 13. She'd been shot in the head and dumped into a well. This cop shows up and he might've been a solider...it's not easy to tell. I thought he was there to guard me, but he told me to stop. When I refused, he called in two others. They put a bag over my head and tossed me into a cell with a dirt floor and no windows. ANGELA: (upset) For how long? BRENNAN: Later I found out it was three days. But, I thought it was a week, maybe more. He came in every day and made me believe I was going to die. He said that he'd shoot me and toss me into a well and that no one would ever know who I was or what became of me. I promised myself if I ever had the chance, I'd get even. (Angela nods her head in understanding) That doesn't mean I need therapy. HODGINS: (walking into the office) I identified the type of wood in the weapon that killed Maria. (Looks around at the two of them) Am I interrupting a female moment? BRENNAN: (shakes head) No, what was the wood? HODGINS: Quarter-sawn cumuru. Definitely not from a shovel handle. ANGELA: What is made out of quarter-sawn cumuru? HODGINS: Very expensive furniture. BRENNAN: Senatorially expensive? HODGINS: (smiling) Most definitely. [SCENE_BREAK] Senator Corman's home. Booth and Brennan are talking with the Senator, Mrs. Corman and Hector inside the house. MRS. CORMAN: I don't recognize her, no. (looking at Angela's sketch of Maria.) CORMAN: Neither do I, I'm afraid. BOOTH: How about you, Hector? BRENNAN: Her name was Maria. HECTOR: She used to work as a maid here. She had papers. BOOTH: Fake ones, probably supplied by our friendly neighbourhood gang. CORMAN: Hector couldn't possibly be expected to identify forged papers. BRENNAN: What happened to Maria? HECTOR: One day, she didn't show up for work. That's all. BOOTH: Did she interact with anyone here besides Jose? HECTOR: (chuckling) I don't know about that kind of thing. BOOTH: (narrowing in) What kind of thing, Hector? HECTOR: I don't know anything. CORMAN: What do you mean, Hector? BOOTH: Was Maria involved with the senator? CORMAN: (shocked) What? Of course not! HECTOR: No. No, not the senator. MRS. CORMAN: Well, tell the truth Hector, this is the FBI. HECTOR: Logan. She was involved with Logan. (Shocked faces from the Cormans) BRENNAN: What kind of "involved"? [SCENE_BREAK] Logan's room, where they are talking to him. LOGAN: I'd rather not say. BRENNAN: Maria's dead, Logan. LOGAN: Ma...Maria's dead? (looks shocked, sits down on bed) Yes, of course that changes things. (Brennan is looking at his bed frame, getting up on the bed to examine the posts.) Maria and I were... BOOTH: What? Were lovers? (sees Brennan on the bed) Bones, what the hell are you doing? BRENNAN: How long have you had this bed? LOGAN: Uh, since I was, like, 15. Why? BRENNAN: Do you know what kind of wood it is? LOGAN: Curu...cumuru, something like that. Why? BOOTH: Because Maria's skull was banged in by something made out of cumuru wood. BRENNAN: (looking at the top of the bed post) There's dried blood and skin on this post. [SCENE_BREAK] FBI interrogation room where Booth is talking with Logan, who has his lawyer sitting next to him. LOGAN: I caught Maria dancing once, in the hallway. She thought no one was watching, but I was watching. I'd noticed her before (looking at pictures of her on the table) She was, uh, very pretty. More than what these pictures tell you. LAWYER: Logan, I will say again that I do not advice answering questions. You're not under arrest. BOOTH: Perhaps you'd like to check with the senator and see if he'd rather I'd officially arrested Logan before asking these questions because, you know, I'm sure the press would love that. (Turns back to Logan) When did you start having a sexual relationship with Maria? LOGAN: Perhaps six months ago. BOOTH: You kept it a secret? LOGAN: Maria was certain that if my parents found out, she'd be fired. BOOTH: Were you aware she was in this country illegally? LAWYER: I advice you, do not answer that question. BOOTH: Were you aware that she was pregnant? LOGAN: (looks up) M-Maria was pregnant? (Booth nods head) LAWYER: Logan, there's no proof that you were the father. LOGAN: No...shut up. Of course I'm the father. (breaking down) Oh, God. [SCENE_BREAK] FBI office hallway. Booth and Brennan are walking and talking towards the elevators. BRENNAN: What about the father? BOOTH: A powerful man with a lot to lose. But, I mean, why kill her? Why not have her deported in the middle of the night? BRENNAN: That leaves Hector. BOOTH: He's responsible for hiring the servants. I mean, one of 'em gets pregnant, he feels like it's his mess to clean up. BRENNAN: (pushes the button for the elevator) We still can't figure out how Maria's skull was fractured by the bedpost. BOOTH: Well, that's sort of your line of work, Bones, ok? So go have fun. (She enters the elevator.) [SCENE_BREAK] At the lab, Brennan is standing next to the Angelator as Angela is entering data into it. ANGELA: Your top three suspects are Senator Corman, 6'1", Logan Corman, 5'10" and Hector Santiago, 5'6". BRENNAN: And Maria was 5'1". (Figures of Maria and suspect appear.) ANGELA: The bed is a California king with seven-foot posts. BRENNAN: And assuming that they argued near the foot of the bed... ANGELA: Given their relative heights, the angle of impact doesn't match. Her skull connects well below where you found the traces of blood. BRENNAN: What if they were standing on the bed? ANGELA: Well, it's high enough, but her head struck the outside of the post. BRENNAN: How tall would her assailant have to be to fit the evidence? (Angela enters data, and the image of the assailant stretches to above the height of the bed post) That...that's tall. ANGELA: 7'8". Somebody you'd notice around the house. BRENNAN: Let's think outside of the box. ANGELA: (chuckling) What do you mean? Like, go nonhuman? BRENNAN: No. What else explains striking the bedpost in that manner? ANGELA: I guess falling. BRENNAN: Falling. Maria was a maid. Do you have a schematic version of the room? (Angela pulls it up) If she fell backwards... ANGELA: But it doesn't explain the damage done to her skull. BRENNAN: Ok, what force does explain the damage? ANGELA: 206 pounds per square inch, which means she would've had to have fallen from a height of...it's no good. (The image of Maria on a ladder would have placed her above the ceiling of the room.) BRENNAN: I know what happened. She was yanked off the ladder. ANGELA: You mean somebody pulled her off? BRENNAN: Yes, the missing 84 pounds per square inch can be explained by a hard yank from a full grown man. (scenario is recreated) I don't know if it's murder, but someone is definitely responsible for Maria's death. [SCENE_BREAK] Jose's hospital room. Booth and Brennan are trying to talk to him again. BOOTH: This is not about the gang. The gang had nothing to do with her death. BRENNAN: Maria was pulled off that ladder. BOOTH: Who are you protecting? JOSE: I got nothing to say. BOOTH: What did the senator offer you, huh? Asylum for the whole family? BRENNAN: I know what happened. Your father died of cancer around the same time your wife was pregnant. You wanted your child to be born an American citizen so you couldn't report your father's death for fear of being deported. You buried him yourself in the garden. And when your sister died, you buried her in the same place. JOSE: As my father died, he said to me: "You take care of your sister." BOOTH: You joined Mara Muerte so you could get fake papers, so she could work for the senator. JOSE: (smiling wistfully, chuckling) Maria...Maria, man, she was so angry. She would...she'd get so angry. Sometimes, she just doesn't speak to me, you know? BRENNAN: She didn't understand what you had to do for her and your family. JOSE: It was the only way for me to keep my promise to my father. (tearing up) Look at me now, huh? All because I wanted to give my sister and my father a beautiful place to rest. It's near...it's near a pond. It's beautiful, huh? (shakes head) It's all for nothing. My family's ruined. [SCENE_BREAK] Corman house, where Brennan and Booth are talking with the Cormans in Logan's room. BRENNAN: She didn't fall. CORMAN: No, she was pushed. BRENNAN: No, Senator, actually, she was pulled probably off that ladder. (Hector walks in with the ladder, coming next to the bed.) MRS. CORMAN: Pulled? Pulled by who? BOOTH: Perhaps by your son or the senator. CORMAN: Oh, my God! I do not pull maids off of ladders. BOOTH: Hhmm. Will you please open that up? MRS. CORMAN: And why would they do something like that? BOOTH: Because Maria was pregnant by your son. MRS. CORMAN: (shocked) What? CORMAN: Even if that were true, that is not how we would handle the situation. BRENNAN: (scoffs) Yeah, you'd have her deported in the middle of the night. CORMAN: It would be handled, and not by pulling her off a ladder. BRENNAN: (climbing up on the ladder) Senator, would you mind reaching up? CORMAN: What is that gonna prove? BOOTH: You refusing, sir? BRENNAN: I'm trained in kinesiology, the study of human movement. CORMAN: Oh, and you're gonna be able to tell who pulled her off the ladder? BRENNAN: Absolutely, yes. MRS. CORMAN: Oh, for God's sake, Alan, just do it. Just do it. CORMAN: (approaching the ladder) Fine. (Pulls Brennan's arm) Well? Was it me? BRENNAN: Hector? HECTOR: Si? BRENNAN: Would you please pull me down off this ladder? HECTOR: No, no I won't. CORMAN: Hector, just do as she asks. (Hector hesitates) MRS. CORMAN: Hector? BOOTH: How did it happen, Hector? You told her to stay out of Logan's room, didn't you? You didn't approve. You knew what was going on. CORMAN: Hector? BRENNAN: If it wasn't you, just pull me down. (Hector shakes head) BOOTH: Maria defied you. She went to Logan's room, you got angry. You pulled her off the ladder. BRENNAN: (getting down from the ladder) It was an accident. HECTOR: (looks around, reluctantly) Yeah, it was an accident. (Cormans look shocked) BRENNAN: I can't believe that worked. BOOTH: Psychology Bones, it's a very powerful force. HECTOR: I have her $500 and I drove her home. I thought she was gonna go to a doctor. BOOTH: She was afraid she'd loser her job and get deported. MRS. CORMAN: You should've told us. HECTOR: You don't wanna know. You don't wanna know about any of this. I know my job, I know what you want. BOOTH: Hector Alvarado, I'm placing you under arrest for the suspicion of manslaughter (walks behind him to cuff him.) [SCENE_BREAK] FBI office, another Agent approaches Booth in the hallway. AGENT: Booth? BOOTH: Yeah? AGENT: Message from the Gang Task Force Unit. (looks down at paper) Mara Muerte has put a hit out on your lady scientist. BOOTH: (looks at file) Oh, man. AGENT: You got a response? BOOTH: Yeah, just tell 'em...tell 'em I got the message and tell 'em thanks. AGENT: Sure. (Booth sits down on a bench, looking troubled.) [SCENE_BREAK] At a cemetery, there is a small gathering for Maria and Augustine's funeral. Among those attending are Jose, his wife, baby and Logan. Brennan and Angela are present too. PRIEST: (speaks in Spanish welcoming everyone and beginning the ceremony.) ANGELA: (to Brennan) This is nice of you, not many people would pay for a funeral like this. BRENNAN: (looking around) Where's Booth? He said he'd come. [SCENE_BREAK] Street where Ortez is walking. Booth is watching him from his car as Ortez turns into an alley. Booth follows him and pushes him from behind into an empty doorway. ORTEZ: Are you crazy? This is my neighbourhood. BOOTH: (getting into his face) You put a hit out on my partner? ORTEZ: She's not FBI. BOOTH: (punches him in the face and grabs him by the throat as he points his gun right at his throat.) I never said anything about FBI. She's my partner, ese. (Menacing) And if anything happens to her, I will find you and I will kill you. I won't think twice. Come here, look in my eyes. (Pushes barrel of his gun into his mouth, and cocks it) Look at my face. If anything happens to her, I will kill you. This is between you and me, and nobody sees, nobody knows. You got nothing to prove, understand? You understand? ORTEZ: (grunting) Yeah. BOOTH: Yeah, I thought so. Ok, now if you don't mind, I'll leave first because I have somewhere I have to be. Pulls his gun back and turns to leave, but before he does, he turns back to Ortez and aims his gun right on his forehead, giving one final look before leaving. [SCENE_BREAK] Back at the funeral, which has now ended. Jose and his family approach Brennan and Angela. JOSE: (to Brennan) I will pay you back for this funeral. BRENNAN: Don't worry about it. JOSE: It's my family, it's my duty. ANGELA: Aren't you leaving for El Salvador tonight? JOSE: Well, my child is an American. He's...he's not gonna grow up the way that Rosa and I did. ROSA: (speaks Spanish) JOSE: She says that we're gonna bring him back. BRENNAN: I understand. One way or another, your son will have a better life than you did. ROSA: Gracias. JOSE: Gracias. They both turned to leave as Booth runs up to them. BOOTH: Am I in trouble? ANGELA: You're late for a funeral, of course you're in trouble. BOOTH: Sorry. (Brennan gives him a dirty look) I apologize, I...everything ok here? BRENNAN: Where were you? BOOTH: I had something to do. BRENNAN: More important than a funeral? BOOTH: I thought so at the time. (The three of them leave the cemetery.) End.

Plan: A: an El Salvadoran gang member; Q: What nationality is the gang member? A: the site; Q: Where was the drive-by shooting? A: the suspect; Q: Who escaped during the drive-by shooting? A: a second empty grave; Q: What do Booth and Brennan find when they investigate the woman's grave? A: Clues; Q: What leads Booth and Brennan to a wealthy senator's house? A: the investigation; Q: What gets more complicated? A: the truth; Q: What is nobody willing to offer up? Summary: Booth and Brennan investigate when an El Salvadoran gang member is stopped with a dug-up corpse of a young woman in the trunk of his car. While he's being questioned, a drive-by shooting at the site gives the suspect a chance to escape. Booth and Brennan are able to find where the woman was buried - a soon-to-be-excavated community garden - but when they investigate her vacant grave, they find a second empty grave as well. Clues lead them to a wealthy senator's house where the gang member worked, and the investigation gets more complicated as nobody is willing to offer up the truth.

Who's there? SCOTT: Previously on Teen Wolf... It's called frontotemporal dementia. Areas of your brain start to shrink. Eight years ago, almost an entire family died in a car accident. A young girl named Maliawas never found. CHRIS: They called him Silverfingerbecause of an unusual prosthetic. Where did you get that? Off Katashi's dead body. There's a fox hiding inside a teenage boy. And I'm going to poison it. [SCENE_BREAK] (MUSIC PLAYING) (INDISTINCT VOICES, ECHOING) (MOTORCYCLE APPROACHING) scott: Why didn't you tell me? Because we wanted to avoid something like this. It's only 72 hours. This is the same place where Barrow came from. The guy who had a tumor inside him filled with flies. Scott: You don't know everything yet. I know enough. Nogitsunes, Kitsunes, Oni, or whatever they're called. Wow, that was actually all surprisingly correct. Scott, I saw an MRI that looked exactly like my wife's. And it terrifies me. I'm headed down to L.A. tomorrow to talk to a specialist. Scott: Then why are you putting him in here? STILES: He's not. It was my decision. Scott: Stiles, I can't help you if you're in here. Stiles: And I can't hurt you. Deaton's got some ideas. Argent's calling people. We're gonna find something. And if we can't... STILES: If you can't... If you can't, then you have to do something for me, okay? Make sure I never get out. Come on. (GATE BUZZES OPEN) (INDISTINCT VOICES, ECHOING) NURSE: Mr. Stilinski? This way please. NURSE: First 72 hours there's no phone calls, no e-mails, no visitors. We will be taking you from here to a brief physical. In the morning you'll be assessed by a staff psychologist, (DOOR OPENS) NURSE: speak to a social worker and attend group therapy. (DOOR BUZZES OPEN) I feel like we're forgetting something. NURSE: You will be wearing these, Stiles. No laces allowed. You don't have a belt, do you? And please empty your pockets in here. (MUTTERING) Your pillow. Your pillow. We forgot your pillow. Stiles: Dad, it's okay. No, no. You're never going to be able to fall asleep. We... We got to go back. Stiles: It's fine, Dad. I don't need it. (STAMMERING) I can't believe I forgot it. I mean, every time that we've ever stayed in a hotel, the first thing you pack is your pillow. Stiles: You can bring it tomorrow. It's all right. (DOORS BUZZING) Okay, you know what? Stop. Stop. Enough. Stiles, get your stuff. I'm not checking you in here if you're not gonna get one good night's sleep. Stiles: Dad. I haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks. Stiles? This way, please. I'm the part of the bird that's not in the sky. Stiles: Hey, do you see that? I'm the part of the bird that's not in the sky. NURSE: Stiles, wait for me. I'm the part of the bird that's not in the sky. Stiles: That guy up there. I can swim in the ocean,yet still remain dry. I can swim in the ocean, yet still remain dry. I can swim in the ocean, yet still remain dry... STILES: Stop! Somebody stop him! (BONES SNAPPING) NURSE: (YELLS) Oh! (INDISTINCT TALKING) (SNARLING) Did you have any trouble with Ikeda? DEATON: Only minor. The white wolf was exactlywhere you said it would be.But we have two problems now. First, the lichen is not a cure. It'll wear off in a matter of days. But while it does work, the Oni won't go after Stiles, right? I hope. Eichen House has an unusual history. It might not be all that safe for the Oni there as well. CHRIS: What's the second problem? I checked with your contacts in Japan. The Yakuza Boss you saw killed by the Oni never found the scroll. What scroll? A Shugendo Scroll. The Shugendo were the ascetic mystics of Japan. The scroll had information on how to exorcise a Nogitsune. So we need to find that scroll? Exactly. And I did get a name of the man who last purchased it. Kincaid. He was with Katashi. He's the guy who met with Isaac to buy the gun. Sounds like Katashi wanted the scroll for himself. But Stilinski already told me nothing like it was found among his things. And a paranoid like Katashi would keep it close. Probably on him at all times. What does a Shugendo Scroll look like? Something like this. Do these come in different sizes? Any size. Then I think I know where it might be. Stiles: Okay, I know there's the whole 72 hour thing but I'd really need to use the phone. The accident that occurred is being taken care of. Stiles: You're seriously referring to that as an accident? Incident. Stiles: Slightly better. Still need to use the phone. Just five minutes. Three minutes, please. A three minute call. Would you like to go to sleep, Stiles, or would you like to be introduced to our five-point restraint system? I would go with sleep. Stiles: Hey, wait, wait, wait! (EXHALES) Oliver: I'm Oliver. Stiles: Stiles. Oliver: There was a suicide, huh? Stiles: Yeah. Oliver: Is it Monday? There's a much higher rate of suicide on Mondays. Okay then. Stiles: Um, hey, can someone... Someone just please let me out of here. Someone. Anyone. Oliver: I heard it by the way. It happened in the stairwell, right? Stiles: Yeah. How'd you know that? Oliver: I heard the echo. Stiles: What do you mean? Oliver: It's this place. Something about the way that it was built. Everything echoes. Eventually. That's why they call it Echo House. Oliver: Have you been awake all night? Stiles: Yeah, I can't sleep without my pillow. (COUGHING) Stiles: You okay? Oliver: I swallowed a bug the other day. You ever do that? I keep coughing. Like it's still in my throat. Stiles: That's disgusting, Oliver. You don't have any idea when they unlock the doors, do you? (DOOR UNLOCKING) (FOOTSTEPS) Now. Most of the people here are okay. The violent ones are in the closed unit. That's Hillary. She has OCD. That's Gary. He thinks he's Jesus Christ. Dan. Also Jesus. That's Mary... Mary Magdalene? Oliver: No, she also thinks she's Jesus. You'd be surprised how many Jesuses we get. Stiles: Not really. Oliver: Hey, how come you want to use the phone already? Stiles: 'Cause after one night, I've changed my mind about this place being safe for me. Or anyone. Ever. WOMAN: No. No, I think you're wrong. I really think I should tell them. They're going to want to know the story. The whole story. I really think they should know. Yes, I do. One of them is standing right behind me. Stiles: Who was that? Oliver: That's Meredith. She's a little weird. Stiles: You're a little weird. She's a lot weird. It's dead. Oliver: Yeah. They turn off all the phones for 24 hours after a suicide. Stiles: Why didn't you tell me that before? Oliver: Why didn't you ask? What are you going to do now? Stiles: I'm getting out of this nuthouse. Oliver: That's not really the appropriate way to describe a facility like this. Stiles: Malia? Hey. It's Stiles. Do you remember me? I'm friends with Scott. Remember. We were the ones who helped you out with... (GRUNTS) MAN: Hey, Malia! MALIA: No! Hey, what the hell? Stiles: She hit me. A few more like this, Malia, and you're headed to the closed unit. Stiles: Okay, Wait, wait, wait. Stop. I didn't doing anything. MAN: Back off! Stop! (GRUNTS) MORRELL: (VOICE ECHOING)Enough! Enough. (STILES BREATHING HEAVILY) Stiles. You saw something, didn't you? Stiles: That basement. I've been down there before. Still nothing? Derek? Hold on. DEPUTY: Hey, where's the sheriff? MAN: Stilinski's out for the day. So the Katashi murder is now a Federal Investigation. Everything here that wasn't blown up needs to be placed in Lockup. Derek: You were right. They're moving all the evidence. Was there anything about the murder itself? Any other details? Derek: Just about putting Katashi's things in a Federal Lockup and something about Stilinski being out for the day. You know, if all of this is true, people are dead because of Stiles. But is it really Stiles? Remember, we've had this problem before. But we got lucky with Jackson. Derek: What happens when you don't get lucky? I guess it depends on how much or how little of Stiles is left. You ever heard of the Berserkers? Germanic warriors. They wore the skins of bears to channel their ferocity. They didn't just wear them. They became them. You know, a couple of years ago, a family came to us for help with their son. This group of teenagers, they were doing all sorts of rituals with animal skins. Somehow they tapped into it. But with Berserkers, the human side doesn't last long. They're not tempered by the moon. He killed people? He tore them apart. Eventually, I had to tell the family their son was gone. It took three of us to take him down. Almost every bullet we had. And when it was over, I felt no remorse. None. I knew that kid was long gone. Derek: Would you feel any remorse putting Stiles down? Stiles? Yes. But not a Nogitsune. MORRELL: I want to go back to the topic of guilt today. It might surprise you to hear me say that guilt is a good thing. It's a rather mature emotion. Malia, you said something about guilt the other day. You said it came with a visceral reaction. I said it made me feel sick to my stomach. (COUGHS) Guilt often becomes physical. You feel it in your gut. It's not just psychological. How does guilt make you feel, Stiles? Stiles: I'm sorry, what? Guilt. What does it make you feel? Stiles: Nervous. Like a sense of urgency? You feel an urgent need to make up for something you've done. To apologize. These are healthy responses. Does anyone know what we call someone who doesn't experience guilt? Sociopath. That's right, Oliver. I'm sorry, everyone, but we need to take a break. Come with me, Stiles. I'd like to talk to you for a minute. It's called a Lichtenberg figure. They appear on lightning strike victims. The fact that they're appearing on you after a shot of Wolf Lichen is both significant and strange. Stiles: By significant and strange do you mean hopeful and optimistic? When the marks fade, the Nogitsune's grip over you will return. Stiles: What are these? Sleeping pills? Amphetamines. Sleeping is exactly what you don't want to do. You're vulnerable when you're asleep. Stiles: So all I have to do is stay awake? For now. If your friends haven't figured out something by the time those marks are gone, I'll come find you. Stiles: To tell me what to do? No, to give you an injection. Pancuronium Bromide. It causes respiratory paralysis. Stiles: That sounds a lot like death. It's used for lethal injection, yes. Stiles: So when the Nogitsune takes over, you're going to kill me? I'm going to do what I've always done. Maintain the balance. Stiles: Okay then. I've missed our talks. Thanks for the illicit drugs. Stiles. Stay awake. What are you doing? (GASPS) stiles: I need to get through here. To the basement. Doctors don't even have a key to this door. Only Brunski. Stiles: Is that the head orderly? He's got keys to everything in here. Stiles: Does he keep them on him all the time? If you want them, you'll probably have to figure out a way to trick him. stiles: Well, part of me is getting very good at playing tricks. My father said all of the Katashi evidence is being moved to a Federal Lockup by armored car tonight. Probably within the next few hours. We're going to rob an armored car? Well, we're going to try. Okay. Okay, just got to stay awake, Stiles. You just gotta stay... Don't worry, Stiles, you didn't just accidentally walk into the Girls' Room. Stiles: Thank God. (CLEARS THROAT) Stiles: Um... Okay, so what are you doing in the Boys Room? Showering. Stiles: I can see that. I mean I saw that. Well, actually I didn't see anything really. I just... There was too much steam to, uh... Not that I would prefer there to be less steam... Stiles, I don't care. In the woods, there was no Boys' and Girls' Room. And if you really need to know, they keep the water temperature in the Girls' Room too low. It's much hotter in here. Ever since I turned back to human, I just can't seem to get warm. Stiles: Maybe you just have a low core temp. You know, you might just be sick or... I used to have a fur coat. Stiles: Or, it could be... Hey, it might be that. It's probably that. [SCENE_BREAK] (MUSIC PLAYING) Now you're staring. Stiles: No, I'm not. Then what are you doing? Stiles: Phew! Uh... I was kind of wondering why you punched me. Did you think I was going to thank you? Stiles: No. Maybe. We did kind of save your life. You're right, Stiles. Thank you. Thanks for invading my home. For putting me on the run. For turning me back to human so that I could look at my father every day and try to figure out how to explain to him that the reason my sister and mother are dead is because I almost ate them on a full moon. Thank you so very much. Stiles: We were just trying to help. You want to help me? Find a way to change me back. Stiles: You want to go back? To being a coyote? What do you know? Stiles: I might know somebody who could teach you. How to change. Okay. What do you want? Stiles: I need to get into the basement. Which means that I need to get the keys off of that orderly. The big one. Brunski. You help me, and I'll help you. This is a really bad plan. It's not that bad. It's not that good. None of us knows the route they're going to take. If Allison can get one of her dad's GPS trackers on the armored car then we can follow it. So when it gets here... We attack them? No. Your bikes will be in the middle of the road, looking like you guys got into an accident. And when the driver gets out to help... We attack him? BOTH: No. You'll distract him and Scott will break open the back door. I hope. And you'll get Katashi's finger. It's not his actual finger, is it? You are so out of our league. Why aren't we just going to Stilinski for help? Because if he gets caught, then it's the Sheriff tampering with federal evidence. Guys, this is going to work. We can do this. We're losing Stiles. My Dad's in jail for murder. We need to do this. (GRUNTING) You're lying, you're a liar! MAN: What the hell's going on? OLIVER: You're lying! MALIA: Get this nut-job off of me. No! She said that they drill holes in your head. She said they're gonna put a hole in my head! (KEYS JANGLING) Please, come on! Please, don't... Please don't drill a hole in my head. You okay? Yeah. (SIGHS) They told me my lawyer was here. So either I'm going to congratulate you on recently passing the bar or I should be worried about something. Hello, Christoph. (KEYS JANGLING) (SIGHS) Come on. Come on. I thought this guy had a key to everything. I do. But nobody has the key to that room. Into the Quiet Room, little man. Want to tell us where you got these? Stiles: A vending machine. (CHUCKLES) I always love the sarcastic ones. Give him five of the Haldol. Stiles: Wait. What's that? Is that a sedative? Okay, hang on. Hang on! I can't go to sleep. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Look... Get off me, man! (GRUNTING) Stiles: I can't go to sleep... You don't understand. (PANTING) Stiles: You don't get it. I gotta stay awake. I gotta stay... (DEEP BREATHS) Stiles: I have to stay awake. Scott: What are you doing here? Kira: I want to help. Scott: I'm not sure it's such a good idea. Kira: Because of my mother? Scott: No. I know that's not your fault. Kira: Yeah, but it still feels like it is. And if I can help, shouldn't I? scott: People who help us usually end up getting hurt. Badly. Kira: Okay, but I've been practicing. Scott: Practicing what? Kira: I've been picking this up really fast. Like crazy fast. (UNSHEATHING) (GASPS) Scott: You sure about that? Kira: Sorry. Watch. (MUSIC PLAYING) Scott: Okay. You're coming. Stiles: No, no. Hey. Hey! Hey. Hey, let me out! Let me out! Let me out! NOGITSUNE: Let me in. Stiles: What... What do you mean? Nogitsune: You know. Stiles: Okay, screw you and your stupid riddles. (BANGS) Nogitsune: No riddle this time, Stiles. You know what it means. Stiles: Let me out. Just let me out. Let me out. Just let me out! Nogitsune: Let me in! (PANTING) No, no, no. Shh! Hey, hey, hey. Shh! Shut up. Stiles: How did you get in here? I broke the lock. If I concentrate I can be pretty strong. Get up. (GROANS) There's another way to the basement. Through the Closed Unit. Where they keep the real psychos. You're up. (DOOR OPENS) Okay, let's get out of here. We have to do something. Who the hell is that? Kincaid. You want to talk about the code? Ours is more than a code of behavior. It's a code of honor. These things bind our families. You don't abandon such things lightly. Where in the code does it say my wife had to kill herself? Your wife honored us with her dying breath. She would have honored her daughter by living. Your family is very complicated, though. Isn't it? What do you really want to know? Is this about Allison? What are you fishing for? I don't fish, mijo. I hunt. We need that finger. Why should I give it to you? There's a briefcase in there with $ 150,000 in it. The scroll inside this prosthetic finger is worth three million. Give me the finger. You know what I mean. (GRUNTS) I guess negotiations are over. (GROWLING) Do you know what you're looking for? Stiles: Something to do with that. What does it mean? Stiles: Self. Maybe you should tell me more. Stiles: You might not like me if you know any more. Try to remember that I'm a werecoyote who murdered her own family. I won't judge. I promise. (CHUCKLES) (BOTH GRUNTING) (GRUNTS) (GROWLS) (GASPS) You have the eyes of an Alpha. But where's the strength? Up here. (GROWLING) (MEN GRUNTING) This place definitely used to be a lot more fun. Electroshock, ice baths. Trepanation? That's what Oliver was talking about. Trepanation is when they drill into your head. No wonder they don't want anyone down here. (SIGHS) Stiles: There's nothing here. Could you do me a favor? Could you just check the lines on my back? Just tell me if they're fading. Yeah, they're almost gone. I'm guessing that's bad. Stiles: Hmm. Oh. Sorry. I told you I'm always cold. Stiles: That's okay. Here. Boy, you really are. (BOTH CHUCKLE) (MUSIC PLAYING) Stiles: Was that your first kiss? Was it okay? You want to try it again? I want to try something else. Stiles: Something else? Yeah. Ah! Ethan, Aiden... Stop! You want him to come after us? Scott, we've seen guys like this. Trust us. He's dangerous. So are we. And he looks smart enough to remember that. We're here to save a life. Not end one. (BOTH CHUCKLE) (SIGHS) Stiles. (KNOCKING) Do you hear that? (KNOCKING ECHOES) (GRUNTING) (PANTING) (DROPS ROD) This is him. The Nogitsune? Recognize them? One of them. I have to get this to Scott. (CRACKLING) You took Brunski's keys. I took his stun gun. (CRACKLING) I also got his Haldol. (STILES PANTING) Like I was saying, Stiles, I heard they used to do trepanation here. (WEAKLY) Stiles: Oliver... What are you doing? (PANTING) I'm going to let the evil spirits out. (WHIRRING) I borrowed a few pointers from the five point restraint. (GRUNTS) Stiles: Oliver, stop this. (COUGHING) Stiles: Oliver, listen to me. Stop! Oliver! Oliver! Stop! NOGITSUNE: Start with her. Stiles: You did this. You got into his head. Every Dracula needs a Renfield. Stiles: Just let her go. Let me in. (GRUNTS) Stiles. Do you want her to leave here alive? Do you want us to leave? We can walk out of this place. Stiles: Just let her go please. (SOBBING) (GRUNTS) Let me in. (SCREAMS) NOGITSUNE: Let me in, Stiles! Let me in! (GRUNTS) Stiles: Just let her go please! (WHIRRING) NOGITSUNE: Let me in, Stiles! Let me in! Let me in and I'll let her live. Let me in! Oliver. (RESTRAINTS BREAKING) (SIGHS) Stiles? There isn't much here, unfortunately. Does it say anything? My Japanese isn't great. But it appears to say that one method of expelling a Nogitsune is to change the body of the host. Change the body? Which begs the question, how do we change Stiles' body? By turning him into a werewolf. Do you know where you're going? No, but I know who I'm looking for. Scott McCall. You know him? I can tell you where to find him. (MUSIC PLAYING)

Plan: A: Stiles; Q: Who checks himself into Eichen House? A: Deaton; Q: Who reads the scroll? A: a hidden scroll; Q: What does Deaton require in order to cure Stiles? A: Malia Tate; Q: Who does Stiles encounter in the mental hospital? A: group therapy; Q: What does Stiles attend after he is admitted to Eichen House? A: the basement; Q: Where does Stiles and Malia go to share a passionate encounter? A: an ultimatum; Q: What does the Nogitsune give Stiles? Summary: Stiles checks himself into Eichen House, a mental hospital. Argent and Deaton are working together. Deaton requires a hidden scroll in his quest to cure Stiles. In the mental hospital, Stiles encounters Malia Tate, who is not pleased to be reunited. After group therapy, Stiles is told that he must stay awake. Stiles enlists Malia in a plan to access the basement. Malia rescues Stiles and the two head to the basement together, where they share a passionate encounter. Soon after, Malia realizes that the wall with the kanji carved into it is hollow, and the Nogitsune lies behind it. The Nogitsune gives Stiles an ultimatum; allow it in or watch Malia die, and allows the Nogitsune to possess him again. Deaton reads the scroll and says that the Nogitsune's host body needs to change its form in order to remove it.

-[Fairy Tale World]- (A group of well dressed women walk to a carriage and get in. The carriage heads off, leaving behind a scruffy looking woman. In the background, there is a castle. There are fireworks being set off. A fairy appears and flies towards Cinderella.) Godmother: Do not despair, my dear. You will attend that ball. Cinderella: Who are you? (The fairy transforms into a woman.) Godmother: I'm your fairy godmother. And I'm here to change your life, Cinderella. Cinderella: But, my stepmother told me that I couldn't go. She forbade me to leave. Godmother: Your stepmother doesn't have this. This wand has the power to take you to your ball, to your prince, and to- (The fairy godmother suddenly disintegrates, dropping her wand. Rumpelstiltskin appears and picks it up.) Cinderella: What... What did you do? Rumpelstiltskin: Now, now. I got what I wanted. There's no need to be frightened. Cinderella: No need? You just killed my fairy godmother. She was trying to help me. Rumpelstiltskin: Was she? Do you know what this is? (Rumpelstiltskin holds up the wand.) Cinderella: Pure magic. Rumpelstiltskin: Pure evil. Trust me - I've done you a favour. All magic comes with a price. Go on back to your life and thank your lucky stars you still got something to go back to. Cinderella: My life... It's wretched. Rumpelstiltskin: Then change it. You can't handle this. (Rumpelstiltskin turns to leave.) Cinderella: Wait. Please, wait. I can handle it. Please. I will do anything to get out of here. Anything. Rumpelstiltskin: Anything? Cinderella: Do you know how to use that wand, Mr...? Rumpelstiltskin: Rumpelstiltskin. And yes, of course I do. Cinderella: Then help me. Rumpelstiltskin: Well, if I do, and you can, indeed, shoulder the consequences, then you'll owe me a favour. Cinderella: Name it. What do you want? Rumpelstiltskin: Something...precious. Cinderella: I have nothing. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, but you will. With this wish, will come riches more than you know. Cinderella: I care nothing for riches. I'll give you anything you want. Just get me out of here. Rumpelstiltskin: Now we're talking. Cinderella: Well, how does it work? Rumpelstiltskin: Fear not! My needs are small and all you have to do is sign on the dotted line. (He takes out a long contract.) Rumpelstiltskin: Do we have a deal? Cinderella: Yes. Yes, thank you. (Cinderella signs the contract. Rumpelstiltskin then waves the wand and she turns into a princess, complete with glass slippers.) Rumpelstiltskin: Ta-dah! Cinderella: Glass? Rumpelstiltskin: Every story needs a memorable detail. Let's see how they fit, shall we? Now, you have a good time. But be sure to watch the clock. -[Real World]- (Emma and Henry are walking down the main street.) Henry: You sure we can be out in the open? Emma: Enough sneaking around. If your mom has a problem with me walking you to a school bus, I am more than happy to have that chat. Henry: You're brave. We'll need that for Operation Cobra. Speaking of - do you think we need code names? Emma: Isn't 'cobra' our code name? Henry: That's the mission. I mean us. I need something to call you. Emma: Oh. Um, well, why don't you just call me Emma for now? Henry: Okay. Well then, I'll see you later, Emma. (Henry gets on the bus. The bus leaves and Graham's cop car pulls up next to Emma.) Emma: What's with the siren? Graham: It's so hard to get your attention. Emma: Well, you got it. Are you arresting me again? Graham: I'm thanking you. For your help finding that coma patient. We all owe you a depth of gratitude. Emma: Well, what do I get? Accommodation? Key to the city? Graham: How about a job? I could use a deputy. Emma: Thank you, but I have a job. Graham: As a bail bondsperson? There's not much of that going on here. Emma: I don't see a lot of sheriffing going on around here, either. Graham: Well, here's your chance to see it up close. There's dental? Why don't you think about it? And stay a while. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma is at Granny's Diner. Ruby serves her a cocoa.) Emma: Thank you. (Regina enters the diner and sits with Emma.) Regina: How was your walk with Henry? That's right - I know everything. But relax. I don't mind. Emma: You don't? Regina: No. Because you no longer worry me, Miss Swan. You see, I did a little digging into who you are. And what I found out was quite soothing. It all comes down to the number seven. Emma: Seven? Regina: It's the number of addresses you've had in the last decade. Your longest in anywhere was two years. Really, what did you enjoy so much about Tallahassee? Emma: If you were wondering, I did find a place here in town. Regina: I know. With Miss Blanchard. How long is your lease? Oh, wait. You don't have one. You see my point? In order for something to grow, Miss Swan, it needs roots. And you? Don't have any. People don't change. They only fool themselves into believing they can. Emma: You don't know me. Regina: No, I think I do. All I ask, is as you carry on your transient life, you think of Henry and what's best for him. Perhaps consider a clean break. It's going to happen anyway. Enjoy your cocoa. (Regina gets up and leaves the diner. Emma goes to stand up and spills her cocoa over her shirt. Ruby walks over and hands her a cloth.) Emma: Oh! Really? Ruby: Eesh. Emma: Do you have a laundry room I can use? Ruby: Mmhmm! [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma enters the laundry room. She takes her shirt off and throws it in the washer. There's a young girl in the room, as well. She is holding pink sheets.) Ashley: Oh, no, no, no, no! Emma: You okay? Ashley: The sheets. They're uh... They're pink. Emma: You try bleach? (Ashley puts down the sheets and it becomes obvious that she's pregnant.) Emma: Oh. Ashley: Last night, I felt contractions and the doctor said that the baby could come any day now. Emma: Well, that's great. Ashley: It's just that, um, when the... When the baby comes, no one thinks that I can do this. No one thinks I can do anything. Maybe they're right. Emma: Screw 'em. Ashley: What? Emma: Screw them. How old are you? Ashley: Nineteen. Emma: I was eighteen. Ashley: When... When you had a kid? Emma: Yeah. I know what it's like. Everyone loves to tell you what you can and can't do, especially with a kid. But ultimately, whatever you're considering doing or giving up, the choice is yours. Ashley: It's not exactly what you might think it is. Emma: It never is. People are going to tell you who you are your whole life. You just got to punch back and say, 'no, this is who I am.' You want people to look at you differently? Make them. If you want to change things, you're going to have to go out there and change them yourself, because there are no fairy godmothers in this world. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr. Gold closes up his pawn shop for the night and leaves. Ashley is waiting by the side of building. Once he is gone, she breaks the window on the door with a brick, unlocks the door and enters. She heads to the back of the pawn shop and finds a hidden safe. However, Mr. Gold walks up behind her.) Mr. Gold: Ashley. What are you doing? Ashley: Changing my life. (She maces Mr. Gold. He falls, hits his head and is knocked unconscious. Ashley takes the keys from him and unlocks the safe.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina is putting on lipstick in the mirror. Henry is sitting at the table reading a comic book.) Regina: I know you think otherwise, but I don't enjoy these Saturday city council meetings. Sometimes, they're just unavoidable. Now, you know the rules. Henry: Yes on home homework, no on TV, and stay inside. Regina: Good boy. Under no circumstance do you leave this house. Henry: You mean, don't see my mom. Regina: She's not your mother. She's just a woman passing through. Now, do as I say, or there will be consequences. I'll be back at five sharp. (Regina leaves. As soon as she pulls out of the driveway, Henry grabs his backpack and leaves the house.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret is making food while Emma unpacks her things.) Emma: I'm so glad my stuff is here. Oh, thanks. MMB: So, that's all your stuff? Emma: What do you mean? MMB: Is the rest in storage? Emma: No, this is all of it. I'm not sentimental. MMB: Well, it must make things easier when you have to move. (There's a knock at the door. Mary Margaret answers it.) Mr. Gold: Miss Blanchard. Is Miss Swan here? (Emma gets up and comes to the door, as well. Mr. Gold shakes her hand.) Mr. Gold: Hi, my name's Mr. Gold. We met briefly on your arrival. Emma: I remember. Mr. Gold: Good. I have a proposition for you, Miss Swan. I, uh... I need your help. I'm looking for someone. Emma: Really? Um... MMB: You know what? I'm going to go jump in the bath. (Mary Margaret leaves the two standing by the door.) Mr. Gold: I have a photo. Her name is Ashley Boyd. And she's taken something quite valuable of mine. Emma: So, why don't you just go to the police? Mr. Gold: Because, uh... She's a confused young woman. She's pregnant. Alone and scared. I don't want to ruin this young girl's life. But I just want my property returned. Emma: What is it? Mr. Gold: Well, one of the advantages of you not being the police is discretion. Let's just say it's a precious object and leave it at that. Emma: When'd you see her last? Mr. Gold: Last night. That's how I got this. (He shows Emma the cut on the side of his head.) Mr. Gold: It's so unlike her. She was quite wound up. Rambling on and on about changing her life. I have no idea what got into her. Miss Swan, please help me find her. My only other choice is the police, and I don't think anyone wants to see that baby born in jail now, do they? Emma: No, of course not. Mr. Gold: So, you'll help me, then? Emma: I will help her. Mr. Gold: Grand. (Henry walks in without knocking.) Henry: Hey, Emma. I was thinking we- Mr. Gold: Hey, Henry. How are you? Henry: Okay? Mr. Gold: Good. Give my regards to your mother. And, um, good luck, Miss Swan. (Mr. Gold leaves.) Henry: Do you know who that is? Emma: Yeah, course I do. Henry: Who? Cause I'm still trying to figure it out. Emma: Oh. I meant in reality. Henry: Is that all you brought? Emma: Henry, what are you doing here? Henry: My mom's gone til five. I thought we could hang out. Emma: Ah, kid. I wish I could. But there's something I got to do. [SCENE_BREAK] (Henry follows Emma outside. The two are walking down the street.) Henry: Please let me help. Emma: No! No, it could be dangerous. Henry: The pregnant maid is dangerous? Emma: She assaulted Mr. Gold. Henry: Cool! Emma: This isn't a game. She's desperate. Henry: How do you know? Emma: Because I know. Henry: Well, then let's find her. Emma: Oh, no, no, no, no. There is no let's. You cannot come with me. Henry: Then I'll look for her myself. Emma: Then I'll find you and I'll bring you back. Henry: Then you wouldn't be helping the maid. Emma: I am just trying to be responsible, here. Henry: And I'm just trying to spend time with you. (Henry gets into Emma's car.) Emma: Oh, that is really not fair. Henry: So, the maid. What's her story? -[Fairy Tale World]- (Cinderella is watching the fireworks on the balcony of the castle. Prince Thomas approaches her.) Prince Thomas: What's wrong? Cinderella: Nothing. Every year when I was growing up, I used to watch these fireworks from afar. And I knew what they meant - something special was happening at the palace. Now, they're for me. For our wedding. (Cinderella and the prince kiss.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cinderella and Prince Thomas walk down the stairs, where they meet up with Snow White, Prince Charming and Prince Thomas's father. Cinderella and Snow White hug.) Cinderella: I'm so happy you could come. Snow White: You're beautiful. (Everyone is paired off and dancing. Everyone switches partners with the music.) Thomas's Father: My dear Ella. We're thrilled to have you join our family. And I hope our family will soon be growing. Prince Charming: Congratulations, Ella. You two are going to be very happy. Cinderella: Why, thank you, James. Snow White: Ella, dear! (Snow White grabs Cinderella and dances with her.) Snow White: Sorry! This is truly a night for celebration. Do you realize what inspiration you are to everyone? Cinderella: All I did was get married. Snow White: All you did, was show that anyone can change her life. I'm proud of you. (They break apart. Cinderella then runs into Rumpelstiltskin.) Rumpelstiltskin: I'm proud of you, too. Cinderella: You. What are you doing here? Rumpelstiltskin: I just wanted to make sure you were happy with your end of the bargain. You know - true love, riches, happy endings. Did you get everything you desired? Cinderella: Yes, yes I did. Now, what do you want? What's your price? My jewels? The ring? Rumpelstiltskin: No, no dear. Keep your baubles. What I want is something you don't yet possess, but something I know is coming. Your first born. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cinderella is packing. Prince Thomas walks in.) Prince Thomas: What are you doing? Cinderella: I thought you were hunting? Prince Thomas: I was, but the weather wasn't agreeing, so we came back early. Are we going somewhere? You're going somewhere. Cinderella: Something's happened. Prince Thomas: What? Cinderella: I'm pregnant. Prince Thomas: Ella, that's wonderful! Why are you upset? This is what we wanted. Cinderella: There's something else. When we met that night at the ball, it wasn't my fairy godmother who sent me. It was Rumpelstiltskin. I made a deal with him for this life. I was stupid. I didn't understand the price of magic. So, I promised him something. Prince Thomas: What did you promise him? Cinderella: He tricked me. I thought that he would want our gold or jewels. Prince Thomas: What was it? (Cinderella rubs her stomach.) Prince Thomas: Our baby? Cinderella: I'm so sorry. And now, I'm going to lose it all. My... My life, you... Prince Thomas: No. I don't care what that imp said. Magic may have brought us together, but it didn't create this love. Cinderella: But I made a deal. I can't break that - he's too powerful. Prince Thomas: Then, the answer is simple. We make another deal. -[Real World]- (Emma and Henry are talking with Ruby at Granny's Diner. Ruby's car is being dropped off by a tow truck.) Emma: So, this boyfriend of hers. You don't think he was involved in her disappearance? Ruby: Uh, that would mean he was involved with her at all, which he isn't. He left her in the lurch, right after they found out they were expecting. Hasn't spoken to her since. Like I said- (Ruby's car is dropped abruptly and the wolf charm hanging on her mirror almost breaks.) Ruby: Hey! Hey! Hey! Billy, be careful! You almost shattered my wolf thing, Billy. It's good luck. Billy: I'm sorry, Ruby. But look - it's fine. Emma: Um, Ruby. What about her family? Ruby: Oh, um, she's got a stepmom and two stepsisters that she doesn't talk to. Henry: Wait. Stepmom, stepsisters, and she's a maid? Emma: Henry. Not now. Ruby: Look. I don't know what you've heard, but it's wrong. Everyone thinks she's not ready to have this kid, but she's trying. Taking night classes, trying to better herself... Trying to get her life together. Can you understand that? Emma: I think so. Ruby: Then maybe you should just stay out of it. She's been through enough already. Emma: I've been through it too, Ruby, and I can help her. Ruby: Then, try her ex. Emma: Where can I find him? Ruby: He lives with his dad. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma knocks on Sean's door. At the same time, Sean's father is pulling up the driveway.) Sean: Can I help you? Emma: Sean Herman? Sean: Yeah. Who are you? Emma: I'm Emma Swan. I'm... I'm looking for Ashley Boyd. She's in trouble. Just thought maybe she came to see you. (Sean's father walks up the steps.) Sean's Father: My son doesn't have anything to do with that girl anymore. So, whatever trouble she's in, I am sorry for her, but there's nothing we can do to help you. Emma: You're the reason he broke up with her. Sean's Father: Absolutely. I'm not going to let my son throw away his entire life over a mistake. Emma: So you just told him to leave her? Sean's Father: Well, what are they going to do? Raise the child in the backseat of a car? Emma: Some people only have the backseat of a car. Sean's Father: Well, they're to be pitied. I'm not letting that happen to my son. Sean: Dad, maybe we should help her look. Sean's Father: It's a waste, Sean. Emma: Sean, if you want to come, come. Stop letting other people make decisions for you. If Ashley runs away with this baby, she's going to be in some serious trouble. Sean: She's running away with the baby? Emma: Yes. Sean's Father: Sean. Inside. Now. (Sean goes into the house.) Sean's Father: Look. Believe me, if I knew where she was, I would tell you. I went to a lot of trouble to get her that deal. Emma: Deal? What are you talking about? Sean's Father: You don't know? Ashley agreed to give up the child. And she's being paid very well to do so. Emma: She sold the baby? Sean's Father: Oh, you make it sound so crass. I found someone who's going to find that child a good and proper home. Emma: And who are you to judge whether Ashley is capable of providing that? Sean's Father: Look at her. She's a teenager. She's never shown any evidence of being responsible. How could she possibly know how to be a mother? Emma: Maybe she's changing her life. Sean's Father: Everybody says that. Now, look. I found someone who's going to pay Ashley extremely well. Someone who's going to see to it that everybody's happy. Emma: Mr. Gold. Sean's Father: Well, isn't that why you were hired? To bring him the baby? [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Henry are driving in Emma' car.) Henry: You can't make her double cross Gold. No one's ever broken a deal with him. Emma: I'm happy to be the first. If Ashley wants to have this baby, she should have it. Anyone who wants to be a mother, should damn well be allowed to be one. (They arrive at Granny's Diner. They both enter and Emma approaches Ruby.) Emma: Why didn't you tell me she sold the baby? Ruby: Because I didn't think it was important. Emma: Really? Considering that's why she's running away. Ruby: Look, Ashley's my friend. I don't like the idea of people judging her. (Emma notices Ruby's wolf charm on the counter.) Emma: Ruby, where's your car? You didn't send me to Sean to find her. You sent me there to give her a head start. Ruby: Look, I'm only trying to help her. Emma: Yes, so am I. Ashley's in more trouble than you know, Ruby. Where is she? Don't make her deal with Gold without me. Ruby: I can't talk in front of him. He's the Mayor's kid. Henry: Hey! I'm on your side. Emma: Henry, I need to find this woman. And in order to do that, I need you to go home, okay? So please listen to me. Seriously. She's not going to tell me anything if you're around. Henry: Okay. Emma: Thank you. (Henry leaves the diner.) Ruby: She left town. Said she was going to try Boston. Thought she could disappear there. Emma: How long ago did she leave? Ruby: About a half an hour. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma is driving by herself. Henry, who was hiding, reveals himself.) Henry: What'd she tell you? Emma: Henry! What the hell? I'm going to Boston. You can't come with me. Henry: You can't go to Boston! She can't leave. Bad things happen to anyone who does. Emma: I don't have time to argue with you over the curse. I've got to get you home. Henry: We have to stop her before she gets hurt! We're wasting time! If you drop me off, we'll never catch up to her. Emma: Henry. Henry: And then Mr. Gold will call the police, and he'll have her sent to jail. Emma: ...Buckle up. Ashley, what did you get yourself into? -[Fairy Tale World]- (Cinderella, Prince Thomas, Prince Charming and Grumpy are walking through the dungeons.) Cinderella: Why are we down here? Prince Thomas: We need a place to keep him. Prince Charming: Rumpelstiltskin is the most dangerous man in all the realms. He needs his own special prison. So, we converted the mines to hold him. Cinderella: But how will we get him here? He's eluded all forever. Grumpy: His strength is also his weakness. His deals - he can't resist making them and we already know who he wants to deal with next. You. Prince Charming: We sent word with one of Snow's bluebirds. He's accepted a meeting with you. You're going to tell him that Doc heard something with his stethoscope - two heart beats. Prince Thomas: You're going to tell him it's twins. Prince Charming: And if he wants both, which he will, you propose a new deal. Grumpy. (Grumpy takes out a box and opens it. Inside is a red quill.) Cinderella: A quill? I-I don't understand. Grumpy: The Blue Fairy cast a spell on it. Whoever signs with this will be frozen - their magic made impotent. Prince Charming: All you must do is get him to sign the contract. Ella, this man is a scourge. You'll be doing the entire land a service. Cinderella: Should we even use magic? Isn't that what's causing these problems to begin with? What if this magic also has a price? Prince Thomas: Then, I will pay it. I will do whatever is needed to save you and our child. Prince Charming: Let's go. (They go farther into the dungeon until they come to a cell.) Grumpy: Hope you like it. A lot of dwarf blood went into it. Cinderella: You sure this will work? Prince Charming: Once he's in there, he'll never get out. You'll be safe. Prince Thomas: I can do this, Ella. Cinderella: Okay. Let's get him. -[Real World]- (Emma and Henry are driving along the road. Henry sees something ahead of them and points.) Henry: I told you! It's her car. (They pull over and rush to Ruby's car, which has been driven into a ditch.) Emma: Ashley! (Ashley is not in the car. They hear a moan and find Ashley sitting in the grass.) Ashley: My baby! It's coming! [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma, Henry and Ashley are in Emma's car.) Henry: Is the baby really coming? Emma: Ohh yeah. Don't worry - the hospital isn't that far. Ashley: No! No, no, no. Take me to Boston. I can't go back there. Emma: Oh no, we don't have four hours. Trust me - I know. Ashley: I can't go back there. Please. He's going to take my baby. Emma: I won't let that happen. Do you know what you're asking for? If you keep this child, are you really ready? Ashley: Yeah. Emma: Are you sure? Because I wasn't. Ashley: You weren't? Emma: Nope. If you want to give this kid its best chance, it's going to be with someone who's ready, so know what that means. Your whole life is going to change and once you decide that it's yours, this 'running away' can't happen. You have to grow up and you can't ever leave. Understand? Ashley: Yes. I want my baby. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Cinderella is waiting outside for Rumpelstiltskin.) Rumpelstiltskin: Well, well, well! You're starting to show. A little bird told me you wanted to speak? Cinderella: Yes. I'd like to alter the bargain. Rumpelstiltskin: That's not what I do. Cinderella: I think you'll want to. I'm having twins. Rumpelstiltskin: Is that so? Ooo! Let's have a look. And you would, what? Give up both? (Cinderella nods.) Rumpelstiltskin: Why is that, I wonder? Cinderella: My husband, he's... He's having a hard time. Our kingdom is poor, we're losing money, our crops are dying... We can't support ourselves or our people. Rumpelstiltskin: And you would trade your other child for...comfort? Cinderella: I can always have more children, but I can't make crops grow where the soil is dead. In exchange for our other child, you will see to it that our land is once again fertile. I think it's more than fair. Rumpelstiltskin: Yes! Yes, yes. It is. If what you're saying is true. Cinderella: It is. And all you have to do, is sign on the dotted line. Rumpelstiltskin: What a lovely quill! Wherever did you get it? Cinderella: It's from our castle. Rumpelstiltskin: You know, the only way to stop me, is through magic. Cinderella: I'm not trying to stop you. Rumpelstiltskin: Of course you're not. Because, as we all know, all magic comes with a price. And if you were to use it to, say, imprison me, then your debt to me would only grow. And we wouldn't want that, now, would we? Cinderella: Just sign the contract, please. Rumpelstiltskin: Are you sure you're happy with this new arrangement? (Cinderella holds up the contract. Rumpelstiltskin takes it from her and goes to sign it.) Rumpelstiltskin: Then so it shall be. (He signs it and is then instantly frozen.) Cinderella: Thomas! Rumpelstiltskin: No one breaks deals with me, dearie. No one. No matter where you are, no matter what land you find yourself in, I assure you - I will have your baby. -[Real World]- (Emma and Henry are sitting in the waiting room of the hospital.) Henry: You know, Emma. You're different. Emma: What's that? Henry: You're the only one who could do it. Emma: Break the curse? Yes, I know. You keep telling me that. Henry: No. Leave. You're the only one who can leave Storybrooke. Emma: You left and came and found me in Boston. Henry: But I came back. I'm ten - I had no choice. But if anyone else tried to go, bad things would happen. Emma: Anyone, except me? Henry: You're the saviour. You can do whatever you want. You can go. (A doctor approaches them.) Doctor: Miss Swan. Baby is a healthy six pound girl and the mother is doing fine. (Mr. Gold has just entered the hospital.) Mr. Gold: What lovely news. Excellent work, Miss Swan. Thank you for bringing me my merchandise. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Rumpelstiltskin is being taken to a cell on the back of a carriage. Cinderella and Prince Thomas stand off to the side.) Cinderella: Did we really win? Prince Thomas: Yes. I told you we would. Cinderella: I was so afraid. I was so afraid that we'd fail. That... That I'd have to go back to that life. That... That terrible life. I was... I was afraid that I would lose you and that nothing would have changed. Prince Thomas: As long as I'm alive, you will never go back to that life. (They kiss.) Prince Thomas: Now. How is our little Alexandra? Cinderella: Alexandra? Prince Thomas: Did I not mention that I picked out a name? Cinderella: A name? That's more like a prison sentence. Prince Thomas: Well, I like it. Cinderella: Mm, men. You really know nothing of ch- (Cinderella hunches over in pain.) Prince Thomas: Ella, what is it? Cinderella: Oh, it's... It's the baby. Something's wrong. Prince Thomas: No, no, no. It can't be. It's too soon. It must be the stress. The excitement. Cinderella: Oh, I'm dizzy. Prince Thomas: Sit, sit. I'll go get you water. Cinderella: Okay. (He runs into the forest and finds a well. He goes to drag the bucket up, when he hears a noise in the bushes.) Cinderella: Thomas! It's okay! It's passed! Thomas? (She goes into the forest and comes across the well. However, Prince Thomas is gone and all that is left is his cape.) Cinderella: Thomas? Thomas! (Cinderella goes back to where Rumpelstiltskin is caged and where the rest are waiting.) Cinderella: What did you do? Prince Charming: Ella, what's wrong? Grumpy: Your Highness, what happened? Cinderella: What did you do to my Thomas? Rumpelstiltskin: I haven't done anything. I case you haven't noticed, I've been otherwise engaged. Cinderella: Something's happened to him. You know. Tell me! Rumpelstiltskin: I have no idea, dearie. But I did warn you - all magic comes at a price. Looks like someone has just paid. Prince Charming: Don't listen to him. We'll find Thomas. Rumpelstiltskin: No, you won't. Until that debt is paid, until that baby is mine, you're never going to see him again. In this world or the next, Cinderella, I will have that baby. -[Real World]- (Mr. Gold is getting a cup of coffee at the coffee machine. Emma walks up next to him.) Mr. Gold: Well, well. Must be my lucky day. Care for a cup, Miss Swan? Emma: A baby? That's your merchandise? Why didn't you tell me? Mr. Gold: Well because, at the time, you didn't need to know. Emma: Really? Or you thought I wouldn't take the job? Mr. Gold: On the contrary, I thought it would be more effective if you found out yourself. After seeing Ashley's hard life, I thought it would make sense. Do you? I mean, if anyone could understand the reasons behind giving up a baby, I assumed it would be you. Emma: You're not getting that kid. Mr. Gold: Actually, we have an agreement. My agreements are always honoured. If not, I'm going to have to involve the police and that baby is going to end up in the system. And that would be a pity. You didn't enjoy your time in the system, did you, Emma? Emma: It's not going to happen. Mr. Gold: I like your confidence. Charming. But all I have to do is press charges. She did, after all, break into my shop. Emma: Let me guess - to steal a contract? Mr. Gold: Who knows what she was after? Emma: You know no jury in the world will put a woman in jail, whose only reason for breaking and entering was to keep her child. I'm willing to roll the dice that contract doesn't stand up. Are you? Not to mention what might come out about you in the process. Somehow, I suspect, there is more to you than a simple pawn broker. You really want to start that fight? Mr. Gold: I like you, Miss Swan. You're not afraid of me, and that's either cocky or presumptuous. Either way, I'd rather have you on my side. Emma: so, she can keep the baby? Mr. Gold: Not just yet. There's still the matter of my agreement with Miss Boyd. Emma: Tear it up. Mr. Gold: That's not what I do. You see, contracts - deals - well, they're the very foundation of all civilized existence. So, I put it to you now. If you want Ashley to have that baby, are you willing to make a deal with me? Emma: What do you want? Mr. Gold: Oh, I don't know just yet. You'll owe me a favour. Emma: Deal. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Henry enter Ashley's room. She's holding the baby.) Emma: Hey. What's her name? Ashley: Alexandra. Emma: It's pretty. Ashley: Thank you for getting me here. Emma: Mr. Gold was outside. I took care of it - she's yours. Ashley: She is? What did you do? Emma: Made a deal with him. Ashley: Thank you. Thank you. Emma: Oh, hey, kid. It's almost five. We got to get you home. (Emma and Henry both run out of the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina is zipping up her dress. A shower can be heard in the background.) Regina: I have to go. Henry's expecting me home at five. But I'll see you again. The next council meeting? Oh, and don't forget - you left your socks under the bed. (Regina leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Henry are in Emma's car.) Emma: Pumpkin. My code name. I was thinking in honour of Cinderella. Pumpkin. (Henry shakes his head.) Emma: You got a better one in mind? Henry: Yep. Emma: Well? Henry: I'm not sure you're ready yet. (Emma pulls up to Henry's house. Henry gets out, but Emma calls after him.) Emma: Henry! About what you said at the hospital. About me being able to leave? Henry: Yeah? Emma: See you tomorrow. (Emma drives away. Henry runs inside, just as Regina's car pulls in the driveway. He runs upstairs and one of his shoes falls off. Regina enters the front door.) Regina: Henry! (Henry runs into his room, throws down his backpack and grabs a book. He lays down on his bed and throws off his one shoe. Regina is yelling as she walks up the stairs. She enters Henry's room.) Regina: Henry? What did I tell you? Do not leave your shoes lying around on the stairs. Someone could get hurt. (Regina gives Henry his shoe and leaves. He breathes a sigh of relief.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Sean enters Ashley's room at the hospital.) Sean: Is that her? Ashley: Sean. Sean: I am so sorry. I never should have left you. Ashley: You're back. Sean: Yeah. I'm back. Here - I got her a present. (He takes out a pair of shoes and tries to put them on the baby's feet.) Sean: I don't know if they're going to fit. Ashley: They're perfect. (They kiss.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma is leaning against her car. She takes out her phone and a piece of paper. She dials a number.) Graham: Hello? Emma: Graham? It's Emma. I was thinking, maybe some roots wouldn't be so bad. That deputy job still open? Graham: Absolutely. Emma: Then I'm in. Regina going to be okay with this? Graham: I don't care. It's my department. I'll see you Monday morning. Emma: See ya. (Emma hangs up. Elsewhere, Graham is in the same room that Regina was in earlier. He looks under the bed and grabs his socks.) -[End]-

Plan: A: a young woman; Q: Who does Emma try to help? A: her unborn child; Q: What is caught in the center of a dangerous transaction? A: a dangerous transaction; Q: What is the young woman's unborn child caught in the middle of? A: an impulsive deal; Q: What did the servant girl turned princess struggle to break? A: a sinister ulterior motive; Q: What does the servant girl turned princess discover? Summary: Emma tries to help a young woman after learning that her unborn child is caught in the center of a dangerous transaction while a series of events are revealed in which a servant girl turned princess struggles to break an impulsive deal she made after unearthing a sinister ulterior motive.

[Brian's loft - Brian is with a man who's sucking his dick watching a p0rn movie about a judge and a criminal] [On video] Man 1: I'd like to see the defendant in my chambers...privately. Man 2: Yes, your honour. Man 1: This is proving to be a difficult case. The jury is hung, and for the record, your judge is also hung. There seems to be a big hole in your defence, and I'd personally like to probe into it a little deeper. Is that clear? Man 2: Yes, sir. Man 1: Will the defendant please rise? Man 2: Yes, sir. Man 1: Oh yeah, that's it... [At the tribunal] Melanie: With all due respect, your honour, $100,000 bail feels unduly harsh. The records clearly show that Mr. Schmidt has always been a law-abiding, tax-paying citizen trying to operate a legitimate business. Lawyer: If you call an unsavoury, homosexual pornographic website a legitimate business. Emmett: [whispering] As if that troll's never been to a p0rn site. Melanie: Your honour, Mr. Schmidt was extremely diligent in keeping his business strictly up to code. He had no idea that his employee, Edward Stewart Malone, was a minor. Judge: While it is this court's obligation to uphold Mr. Schmidt's right to operate his business of choice, however unsavoury, Mr. Rollins. This court will not tolerate ignorance when it comes to the corruption of a minor. It will ensure that Mr. Schmidt is punished to the full extent of the law. Judge: Next case. Bailiff: The state of Pennsylvania versus Joachim. [Outside Ethan and Justin] Ethan: I was brilliant! Justin: I knew you would be. Ethan: The audience was sceptical at first. Of course, I don't blame them. Justin: That all changed once you began to play. Ethan: I kicked ass on the cadenza, the andante was perhaps a tad too con moto, but by the final allegro-- Justin: The audience was transfixed, transported. [They come into a café] Ethan: They even gave me-- Justin: A standing ovation. Ethan: And this huge bouquet of-- Justin: White roses. Black coffee please. Waiter: Coming up. Justin: I was there. Ethan: You...were there? Justin: I couldn't miss your debut, so I borrowed Daphne's car. Ethan: You drove all the way to Harrisburg? Why didn't you tell me? Justin: I thought you'd be pissed. Besides, your agent was all over you, so I just watched. Ethan: What did you see? Justin: You, talking to your worshipful admirers. Ethan: Well, you should've rescued me. Justin: Hey, you didn't seem to mind, especially that cute guy. Ethan: What cute guy? Justin: The one you left with. Ethan: Oh, him? He was a music student. He wanted to pick my brains, that's all. Justin: That's all? Ethan: Yeah, we talked about grad schools. I don't even think he was gay. Justin: From where I was standing, it looked like he knew how to blow more than a trumpet. Ethan: Sounds like you're jealous. Justin: I'm not jealous. Ethan: Then why would you even think I was interested? Justin: Well, I remember another young admirer who came up to you afterwards, to tell you how amazing you were. Ethan: Look, fans are going to want to meet me. Women, guys, they're going to want to talk, to flirt. They're going to think I'm sexy. Justin: I noticed. Ethan: But that's just part of the deal. We knew this was going to happen. Now, whatever the bullshit, you're the only one I love, the only one I play for. [Debbie's house - In the bathroom] Debbie believing talk to Vic: Sorry, baby, I gotta pee! [Running of shower] The diner called, I have to go in early and take over for Betty. Here I just got off the late shift. [Debbie watching the newspaper] Jesus Christ. Vic, it's Ted, he's on the front page! Holy sh1t, they've arrested him. Vic? Vic! What's wrong with you? You got water in your ears? [A man opening the curtain] Who the f*ck are you? Vic running in the bathroom: Um, morning, sis. I see you've met Rodney. [In the street - Stockwell, Brian, Nancy and Dominic] Jim: This p0rn bust got me a lot of attention. Nancy: And a nice bump in the polls. Dominic: That should give you some fodder for your next spot. Jim: Tell me, Brian, you got any kids? Brian; Yeah, a son. Jim: Then I'm sure you share every parent's concern that he might come across some p0rn site like this scumbag, Schmidt, was running. Brian; He's only two. Nancy: The point is, Jim made a promise to the voters to make this city family friendly. He intends to keep it. Dominic: You'll soon discover the chief's a man of his word. Brian: I'm finding that out. Dominic: Just look at this street. Back rooms, bathhouses... Nancy: It's a veritable breeding ground for every form of sexually transmitted disease. Jim: But with your help we're going to clean it up. Nancy: And in the process, win the election. Jim: By the way, you play racquetball? Brian: Yeah, I love racquetball. Jim: Good. Meet me at the athletic club, tomorrow night, about 8:00. I'll whip your ass. [Ben and Michael in bed making love] Ben: Oh... sh1t, sh1t sh1t, sh1t! Oh god. Michael: Oh, did you come? Ben: No-no-no-no, thank god. Michael: What? Ben: The condom broke. Michael: Look, no. No, don't. Keep going. Ben: What? I said, keep going. I don't care. But, Michael, you could get-- Michael: I don't care. f*ck me! Ben: Oh... god! [Groaning] Michael! Oh, Michael. Mike-- [At the diner] Debbie: [voice echoing] Michael... Michael? Huh! You look just like you did when you were 12 years old, daydreaming about you and Captain Astro flying off to some incredible new adventure... Or to f*ck. So where's Ben? I haven't seen him for days. Michael: He's just got a heavy workload at school, that's all. Debbie: Well, if it isn't Casanova! Your uncle has a boyfriend, and well hung too, at least from where I was sitting. Vic: We've only gone out a few times. Debbie: They had a sleep- over last night. Michael: That's great, uncle Vic. Vic: Try miraculous. I thought I was destined to spend the rest of my life dating my right hand. Debbie: So when do I get to meet him with his clothes on? Vic: I've invited him for dinner tomorrow night. Debbie: Woo! Vic: Thought I'd make a turducken. Michael: What? Vic: Turducken. You take a chicken, you stuff it up a duck, then stuff that up a turkey. Debbie: Kind of like a three-way, but with poultry. You and Ben have to come too. Vic: Do we have to have the entire family there? Debbie: Well, what good's a family if we can't make you squirm? [Ringing of bell] Man: Hey, Deb, your order's up. Debbie: Would you lay off hat f*ckin' bell? This isn't a prizefight. [Debbie speaking to Vic and Michael] Excuse me. [Ted's place] [Ringing of telephone] Ted: Thank god my mother will never see this. Mel: Did she die? Ted: No, she never reads a newspaper. [Ringing of telephone] Emmett: Hello? May I ask who's calling? One moment. It's your mother. Ted: Hi, mom. Oh, not bad, and you? Oh, you did? Yeah, I know, it's not a very good picture. No, look...look, it's just a misunderstanding, mom. It'll all work out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'll call you later... And don't forget to take your blood pressure pills. [***] She's going to need 'em. Ted: "Gay p0rn king"? I have one lousy little website. And who do they single out? Me. God. After I was so careful to check and double-check for every possible infraction. Except for one. Eddie. There he was, the whole time, right by my side, with his phoney ID. It's a plot worthy of Puccini. Emmett: Teddy, please, if you're not careful, you'll need your mother's medication. Ted: Huh, I know what's going to happen. I'm going to wind up one of those eccentric convicts you read about. They're going to open my cell door 40 years from now and all the walls are going to be covered with equations and logarithms in teeny, tiny scrawl. Mel: We're going to do our best to make sure that doesn't happen. But it won't be easy. Stockwell is out for blood. He wants to make you an example in his campaign against p0rn, drugs and s*x. Emmett: Everything we hold dear. Ted: There must be someone you know who could pull a few strings, put in a kind word on my behalf. Mel: Uh, there's someone we all know. Emmett: Brian. Ted: I'm a dead man. [Michael and Ben's place] Justin taking about his draw: You hate it. Michael: I don't... I don't hate it. It's just, well, I didn't picture him looking quite so... Justin: So what? Michael: Evil. Justin: Well, you said the secret potion he's taking to make himself invincible has warped his mind. Michael: Yeah, but underneath, he's still a hero, a good guy, and he will be again, once zephyr blows some sense into his head. Ben: Hey, guys. Michael: Hi. Justin: Hey, Ben. Ben: What are you two up to? Michael: Working on the second issue. Justin: Yeah, we're trying to come up with this villain-- Michael: It's not a villain. A fallen hero. Justin: His name is juice pig. Ben: Oh? Michael: He's sort of a Jekyll and Hyde character. You know, sometimes he's charming and kind, and other times-- Justin: He's a monster. Ben: Wonder where you got that idea. So, uh, Deb tells me that Ethan was a big hit. Justin: Yup, he got rave reviews and a booking with the buffalo symphony. Ben: That is great. Justin: I'll give these another shot. Michael: Thanks. Justin: See you. Ben: See you, Justin. Michael: I'll get the door. Bye. [***] So how was the gym? Ben: Oh, did, uh, 315 on the bench press. Michael: You could use a protein shake after that. Ben: I'll make it. Michael: By the way, Vic invited us to dinner tomorrow, to meet his new boyfriend. Ben: Roy and I are working legs tomorrow night. Michael: Well, couldn't you work legs earlier? Ben: I teach earlier, Michael. Plus I got to make some calls for Paul's memorial service. Michael: I could help you. Ben: Hey, no offence, but it's not your world. [Mel and Linds' bathroom] Mel: Negative. Again. Lindsay: Oh, honey, don't take it personally. Most women don't get pregnant their first try. Mel: I'm not most women. I'm used to hitting a grand slam, first time out of the box. Lindsay: You may have to adjust your thinking. The doctor told you it usually takes about ten months. Mel: What do we do until then? Lindsay: We could pick out names. Mel: In the Jewish faith, you're suppose to name your first-born after your grandfather. Lindsay: What was your grand-father's name? Mel: Hyman. [Laughing] Lindsay: Oh, no! Mel: Shh, you'll wake up Gus. Lindsay: What's the other one? Mel: Herman. Lindsay: Oh, I'm praying for a girl. Mel: Linds? Lindsay: Hmm? Mel: Do you suppose it's out there? Lindsay: What? Mel: Our kid. Waiting for us to will it into existence. Lindsay: I never thought about it like that. Who knows? Maybe. [Whispering] Mel: Come on, kid. Get here. [In the street - Brian walking to his car and Ted walking behind him] Brian: Well, at last. My own personal stalker. Ted: Hey, this is a beauty, Bri. First chance I've had to see it, you know, but then again, I've been busy, what with the new house and work and being arrested and going to jail. Brian: Yeah, I saw the papers. That's an awful picture. I'd sue. Ted: Yeah, well maybe when I'm in the big house I'll study law. I'll do it myself. Listen, Bri. Look, your friend Stockwell, he wants the power that be to throw the book at me. You think maybe you could put in a word? Brian: Which word would you like? Ted: "Don't." Brian: Sorry, Theodore, no can do. Ted: Please. I'm begging you. Brian Look, I do his television spots. I'm not the f*cking D.A. Ted: I know, but you've got his ear. He might listen to you. Brian: Well, you know as well as I do that would be overstepping the bounds. Ted: Since when do you ever give a sh1t about overstepping the bounds? You were always the first to cross them. Brian: It's business. Ted: Business. Right, of course. I understand. You go off to your meeting. Don't spend another second worrying about a little pisher like me. Here. There you go. [Ignition of engine] Drive safely now. m*therf*cker. [At the supermarket][Focus on Justin and Daphne looking for some cheese] Daphne: [sniff] Try this. Justin: Smells like some guys I've gone down on. Daphne: That is the grossest, most disgusting thing I've ever heard. Justin: Thanks. I want something to go with a burgundy or a merlot. Daphne: Oh, planning a party? Justin: For two. Celebrate Ethan's triumphant return... Daphne: Hail, Caesar. Justin: And to supplicate myself at his feet for thinking he was f*cking around on me. I guess that's what comes from living with Brian. Daphne: Okay, correction. Brian didn't f*ck around on you. You know, he was always honest, right from the start. [***] This might be nice with a rich, full-bodied-- [Still at the supermarket - Focus on Vic and Michael] Vic: Eggplant. I mean, is this not a thing of beauty? Touch it. Stroke it. Michael: Insert it? Vic: I can't help it if everything's taken on a sexual connotation ever since I met Rodney. Michael: I can't wait to meet him. I'm just..I'm sorry Ben won't be there. Vic: I'm sure he has more important things. Michael: Going to the gym. Vic: He needs to spend more time at the gym like... I need asparagus. Michael: Excuse me? Vic: For the salad. A medley of arugula, endive, grilled asparagus and smoked-- [Back to Justin and Daphne] Daphne: Llama. Well, that's what it says. It's made out of llama's milk. Justin: I can't believe it. I mean, that I was actually jealous. I guess it just proves how much I love him...And I don't just mean s*x either. It's more romantic. It's like Brahms or Mahler. Daphne: Uh-huh. Justin: I know. I sound like a great big... Daphne: Cheeseball! [Back to Vic and Michael] Vic: Here, catch. Michael: Uncle Vic, did you hear me? Vic: Believe it or not, I can pick out produce and listen at the same time. "He's angry, he's cruel." Michael: He's not the same Ben. Vic: It's 'roid rage, Michael. Michael: I know, and I have to put up with it. I'm just tired of feeling like I couldn't possibly understand what he's going through 'cause I'm not positive. Vic: Sounds like you're a bit rageful yourself. [In Brian's office] Brian: I said no interruptions. Cynthia: There's somebody here to see you. Says it's urgent. Mrs. Ted Schmidt? Brian: You might have called first. Emmett: If I had, you would've been in a meeting, right? So, this is the inner sanctum of the great god Kinney...Where men's fates are decided. Brian: What? Did Theodore send you down here to throw yourself on my mercy? Emmett: He doesn't know I'm here and I have no intention of throwing myself on your mercy or anything else for that matter. Brian: What a relief! I can come out from behind the desk. Emmett: You realize, of course, there's a very good chance he'll go to jail. Brian: Well, tell him to look on the bright side. At least he'll get f*cked regularly. Emmett: I suppose that's meant to be witty. We all know about your charming sense of humour but we also know that deep down, you care about us, even though you'd never admit it. Which is why I've come-- Brian: I already told Ted there's nothing-- Emmett: I know what you told him. I also know what you think about teddy and me, that we're just a couple of silly queens setting up house, that it'll never work. Well, there was a time when I would've thought exactly the same thing. But miracle of miracles, I have never been happier in my entire life. And you want to know why? Because he gives me love and respect. And now it is my turn to give him something back. Now I swore to myself this wasn't going to wind up an old Lana turner movie, but it looks like that's the direction it's headed, so I'm going to make Lana proud. Please, Brian I am begging you. Help him. [SCENE_BREAK] [Debbie's house] Debbie: Vic cooks, I cook, all the Grassis are cooks. Nonny, uh, that was our grandmother, Nonny made cannoli that was lighter than air. Before she died, she asked me what I wanted, I said her recipe. She wouldn't give it to me. She took it with her right to her grave. Vic: Which is why we're having poached pears with almond cream. Debbie: Ah! And her gnocchi, well, if you've ever tried to make it, you know it can come out like bullets. Michael: Ma. Ma, would you let Rodney talk? Debbie: Who's stopping him? Vic: You sort of have to dive in around here. Michael: You were telling us how you and Vic met. Debbie: A poz men's group. Rodney: At a poz men's group. Vic: We saw each other across a crowded room. Rodney: I didn't even want to go, but some friends of mine convinced me that I should meet some positive men. Michael: Why's that? Rodney: I'd been dating negative men for a while and it never seemed to work out. No matter how hard we tried, they could never really understand what it was like living with this thing and with vice, there's no need to explain. We already know what each other's going through. Instead of separating us, it brought us closer together. Vic: Of course, not everyone who's positive feels that way. Rodney: You mind if I ask, are you-- Debbie: No, he isn't, but his boyfriend is. Rodney: Oh, I'm sorry. I never meant to say that you-- Michael: It's...it's okay. I'm... I'm sure there're a lot of things I'll never understand but it's not for a lack of trying. [Brian and Jim playing racquetball] Jim: Woo! Don't you know you're supposed to let the boss win? Brian: Why would I do that? Jim: Some people might say it's smart. Brian: Yeah, well, some people are stupid. Why would you trust me if I let you win? Jim: Score another point. Brian: Besides, I don't like to lose. Jim: That makes two of us. You want to check out the steam room? Brian: Love to. Jim: I asked the D.A. to fast-track the Schmidt trial in time for the election. I was also thinking we should do a TV spot with a bunch of school kids, on the dangers of p0rn. Brian: Yeah, the ad's a good idea. Keep the family-guy image alive but there's not much I could do with this trial. Jim: It's all over the news. Brian: Yesterday's news. Jim: That's why I want you to keep it alive. Brian: You know, it's like selling last year's model that everyone's already seen it. Besides, it's not like you arrested O.J. That guy's a bug. He's a schmuck. He didn't even kill anybody. Jim: But if we could get a conviction-- Brian: Ah, that would be the worst thing, and your opponent will accuse you of going after some small-fry to get the free publicity, the press'll turn him into a martyr. It's like my dear father used to say, if you're going to pick on someone, pick on someone your own size. Jim: So where do we go next? Brian: Well, I'd suggest the showers. Jim: You coming? Brian: Yeah, in a minute. [Ethan's place] Justin: To the New York phil. Ethan: And the London phil, and the Vienna phil, and the Berlin phil and the quick, name another phil. Justin: Phil Farnsworth? We were in the seventh grade together. Ethan: To Phil Farnsworth, wherever he may be. I love your mouth. Justin: Ah? You do? Ethan: Mm-hmm. Yeah, you have the most perfect lips. Justin: Swallowing. Ethan: Of course, I love the rest of you too, but when I was in that hotel room the other night, alone, jerking off... Justin: You were touching yourself? You didn't call me? Ethan: I was imagining you kissing me all over. [Justin starting kissing at Ethan] Sweet tendah kisses... Justin: And then I went down on your hot, hard cock... Ethan: Oh-h. [Knocking on door] Ethan: Oh, who the f*ck is that, the girl scouts? Justin: I'll tell them to f*ck off. The man of the concert: Hi, is Ethan here? Ethan: What're you doing here? The man: I wanted to see you again, so I so I drove in. Ethan: Well, you shouldn't have. I think you better go now. Justin: No, wait. He came all the way from Harrisburg. It's a long drive. Believe me, I know. The man: Oh yeah? You his roommate or-- Justin: I'm his muse. [Michael and Ben's place] Ben: What're you sitting in the dark for? Michael: Waiting for you. Ben: Told you, I was working out. Michael: Legs, I know. Ben: Oh, so, what's Vic's new boyfriend like? Michael: They're so alike, it's uncanny. Ben: What same interests, same temperament? Michael: Same disease. They're both positive. Ben: Oh. [Michael holding in hid hand Ben's syring] Ben: Where'd you get that? Michael: I found it wrapped up in the garbage. Ben: Michael... Michael, I've... I've used it. Just put it down. Michael: You know, seeing Vic and his new boyfriend, that really made me think, you know? Maybe you're right. Maybe you should be with a poz guy. Ben: No, no, no. I was upset when I said that. I didn't mean that... Michael: Maybe that poz guy should be me. Ben: Michael, please! Michael: Please what? All it would take is a quick jab in a vein and be over in a flash. I'd hardly feel a thing and then I'd be just like you. Ben: I don't want you to be like me. Michael: You said you want someone who knows what you're going through, who wakes up every morning and suddenly remembers, "hey, that's right, I've got this thing." Who thinks every time he gets a cold or the flu, "this is it, this is the end." Who's filled with the resentment and anger 'cause he could never have kids, and who has to shoot himself up with steroids because his lover died, and he's scared shitless he's next, and who has to drive away the person he loves, and who loves him because he doesn't understand. Well, now i will. Ben: No, please, please, don't. For god's sake, stop! Michael: No, you stop. Stop using this sh1t. Stop hurting yourself. Stop hurting us. [Dropping of syringe][Closing of door] [Ethan's place] Justin: "I want to be with someone who only wants to be with me. Someone I can be with forever." A crock of sh1t. Brian: I meant it. Justin: Yeah, I'm sure you did the second you were saying it. Ethan: Christ, look what you're doing to your hands. Justin: Oh, so f*cking what? You're a liar! Ethan: I didn't want to hurt you. Justin: That is so laughably, so pathetically lame i am not even going to comment on it! Try something else. Ethan: I was covering my ass. Justin: That's better. Go on. Ethan: I was alone, you weren't there. Justin: Now it's my fault. Ethan: That's not what I mean. I missed you. Justin: So you... since you couldn't bear to be without me for one f*cking night, you decide to pick up some...drooling admirer? Ethan: Basically, yes. Justin: So tell me, Mr. gold, as a last minute replacement, how'd he do? Did he kneel at your feet and worship your huge talent? Did he marvel at your magnificent fingering? Did the way you stroke your bow leave him breathless? Ethan: It was one stupid mistake! Look how many times you forgave Brian. Justin: I never forgave Brian! I never had to because he never promised me anything. You did. [Justin takes off the ring and puts it under the table] Ethan: I need you. I don't know what I'm going to do without you. Justin: I'm sure you'll survive. After all, you still have your music. It's the only thing you ever really loved. [Ted's and Emmett's place] Emmett: Even if worse comes to worse and you have to go to jail, it won't be so bad. Ted: How do you figure that? Emmett: You'll have time to read and work out. It'll be like a spa vacation. Ted: Oh yeah, I hear the prison guards do a great herbal body wrap, and the chefs prepare a fabulous light cuisine. Emmett: I'll come to visit and we'll make mad, passionate love. I doubt the state pen allows gay conjugal visits. Emmett: They did in this film I saw. Ted: Which one was that? Emmett: "Jeff Stryker does hard time". Ted: Look, Em, I appreciate you trying to cheer me up, but life, at least as I know it is over. [Knocking on door] Ted: Oh my god, it's the police. They've come to get me. They've come to get me. Emmett: No, no. It's... No... Mel: Hey! Emmett: Hey. He's... Mel: Oh, Teddy! Hurry up, get dressed. We're late. Ted: For what? Where're we going? Mel: The D.A.'s office. They're willing to accept a plea bargain. You plead guilty to the charges, and they won't seek a prison sentence. Emmett: Oh my god! Oh my god, that's wonderful! Isn't that wonderful, Teddy? Ted: I...I can't believe it. How did you convince them? Mel: I didn't. I guess you must have friends in high places. Ted: You don't suppose Brian... Naw, that's impossible. Emmett: Oh, I wouldn't be so sure. You know how forceful your powers of persuasion can be. Mel: Don't rejoice yet. They're going to slap you with a m*therf*cker of a fine. You're also going to have to shut down the website. Ted: Forever? Mel: You do anything even remotely connected to p0rn again, even buying a f*cking naked greeting card, the D.A.'ll slam you to the wall and screw you standing. Now put your pants on. [Ben and Michael's place] Ben: Didn't mean to wake you. Michael: I was already up. I didn't get much sleep. Ben: Yeah, me either. Michael: So who told you to sleep on the sofa? Ben: Well, after what you said, I-- Michael: I meant it. Ben: Look, baby, I'm going to have a hard enough day, going to Paul's memorial, seeing all those guys with their sunken cheeks. Michael: At least they're still alive, and so are you. Ben: I've decided to stop using the steroids. Michael: Good for you. Ben: They are counter-productive to my healing. Michael: Why don't you just say they've turned you into a raving sh1t? Ben: All right, they have turned me into a raving sh1t. I'm sorry. Michael: Thanks. You're apologizing for the wrong thing. Ben: Well, what then? Michael: You're the brainy professor. You figure it out. Ben: Okay, I'm sorry for saying that I should find someone who's positive. That was the drugs talking. Michael: No, it was you. Don't make excuses. If that's what you want, then do it. Ben: It's not what I want. I want you. Michael: At 9:00 o'clock on Tuesday morning? What about 10:00? Ben: I will feel the same at 10:00, and 11:00, and 12:00. Michael: You're really going to stop? Ben: I already have. Now, why don't you get dressed and come with me? Michael: It's not my world. I don't belong there. Ben: You belong with me. [Liberty diner] Brian: Someone didn't sleep at home. Justin: What are you, a detective? Brian: No, it's just the same stunning ensemble you wore yesterday. Justin: I spent the night at Daphne's, if it's any of your f*cking business. Brian: Do I detect a discordant note in love's tender refrain? Ted: Hey, Deb, can I get some coffee? Deb: Coming right up, honey. [Clearing of throat] Ted: I've been, thinking of a way to say this without sounding maudlin and hence incurring your wrath, so I've decided to delete any references to loyalty, friendship, responsibility, and being one's brother's keeper and go with a simple "thank you." Brian: Who said I was buying you lunch? Ted: I'm talking about saving my life. Brian: Oh. That. That was nothing. Ted: Which is exactly what Mel says I'll be worth by the time they get done with me. But better "hard up" than "hard time". Debbie: Here you go, Teddy. Ted: Thanks, Deb. Well, good news. I won't be going to jail. Thanks to a friend. Debbie: Oh, that's wonderful. Oh honey, I'm so relieved. Oh, god, that's on the house! Brian: Just don't flatter yourself. I didn't do it for you. I did it to protect my client. Ted: Of course. How could I have been so presumptuous? Debbie to Justin: I'll never figure out why he does that. Justin: You mean act like a total sh1t? Debbie: When it's obvious he just saved Teddy's ass. [Mel and Linds' place] Lindsay: You're not supposed to test every time you tinkle. Mel: Says who? Lindsay: You have to let Mother Nature take her course in her own sweet time. Mel: Oh! It's easy for her. She's already a mother. Lindsay: All right. I'll let you have your fun with chemistry and go make dinner. Sloppy Joes okay? Mel? Mel: Don't worry about putting the buns in the oven. Lindsay: What? Oh my... god. It's...[Gulping] It's blue. Mel: You're damn right, it's blue. Lindsay: Well, this means you're- Mel: You got it. Lindsay: Are you sure this is accurate? Mel: Oh, better be, or else I'm going to sue the panties off that company. Lindsay: This is unbelievable. First time out of the box. Mel: Told you. Don't f*ck with Mother Nature, huh? Well, I'm here to tell her, "don't f*ck with me." [Ted's office] Emmett: What do you want to do with all these? Ted: Mmm? Oh, uh...thought I'd donate them to charity. Emmett: You can get a write-off. Ted: Yeah, somehow, I don't think I'll be needing that now. Emmett: Oh my god! Look! It's my revolving bed, from when I was a big star. Ted: You still are. It's the dicks that got small. I never let anyone else use it. It retired when you did. Emmett: God, it brings back so many memories. The G.I. Joe jerk, construction worker whack. Ted: God bless the village people. True visionaries. Emmett: So you, care to take her for a little spin? Ted: No, I can't. I got too much to do. Emmett: Please, Teddy? Come on, one last time? All right, boys. Start 'er up! Here we go! Remember, you gave me my p0rn name. Ted: "Fetch Dixon". Name of your favourite pet and the street you grew up on. Emmett: You know, you never told me yours. Ted: "Millicent Kensington". [Ted starts to cry] Emmett: Oh, it's all right, baby. You cry. You cry all you want. Ted: You know what I'm most upset about? Emmett: No more "rim-a-rama"? Ted: That we had to give up the house. I really wanted you to have that. Emmett: Honey, your saying that means more to me than living in it. Ted: Yeah, not quite. Emmett: Listen. Where I come from, we had tornadoes all the time. They'd blow the roof off, destroy everything. We always looked at it as a chance to rebuild, you know, make things better. So the business is gone. So the house is gone. So every cent you ever made is... Ted: Yeah, yeah, I got it. I got it. Emmett: The point is, it doesn't matter. We still have each other and together, we are going to be just fine. [At Babylon] Brian: That's a Montecristoespecial smuggled from Cuba, so stick it in your mouth and suck. [Michael trying to smoke] If that's any indication of your technique, it's amazing you have a boyfriend. Michael: I'm still in shock. We made a baby after just one try. Brian: It's f*cking depressing, all right. Your sperm actually liked Melanie's eggs. Ugh. Well, I guess there's no accounting for some people's tastes. [Clearing of throat] Brian: Easy, Mikey. Michael: I don't think I can do it. Brian: What? Michael: Be responsible for another life. Brian: Did I ask you to? Michael: Not you, asshole. The kid. Brian: Job's done. From here on out, the lezzie's do all the work. All you have to do is show up for birthday parties and the occasional walk in the park. Michael: I don't intend to be a drop-in dad like you. I want to be involved, a real father if I can just figure out how. Brian: You're going to be a great dad. Michael: What makes you so sure? Brian; You raised me, didn't you? Look how I turned out. [In the backroom at Babylon - Justin and Brian look at each other]

Plan: A: bail; Q: What is Ted out on? A: Brian; Q: Who does Ted ask to talk to Stockwell on his behalf? A: Justin; Q: Who confronts Ethan? A: Melanie; Q: Who is pregnant? A: Ben; Q: Who promises to stop using steroids? Summary: Ted is out on bail and begs Brian to talk to Stockwell on his behalf. Justin confronts Ethan. Melanie is pregnant, much to everyone's delight. Ben promises to stop using steroids.

INT. EXHIBIT ROOM The TARDIS materialises and the Doctor and Rose step out. ROSE: So, what is it? What's wrong? THE DOCTOR: Don't know, some kind of signal drawing the TARDIS off course... They look about themselves. ROSE: Where are we? THE DOCTOR: Earth, Utah, North America. About half a mile underground. ROSE: And... when are we? THE DOCTOR: 2012. ROSE: God, that's so close, so I should be... 26. The Doctor flicks a switch and lights flood the museum. ROSE: Blimey! It's a great big museum! THE DOCTOR: An alien museum. Someone's got a hobby. They must've spent a fortune on this. Chunks of meteorite, moon dust... that's the milometer from the Roswell Spaceship. He passes the exhibits as he names them. They notice a Slitheen arm in one case. ROSE: That's a bit of Slitheen! That's a Slitheen's arm, it's been stuffed. The Doctor notices something else. THE DOCTOR: Ah! Look at you! Inside the glass case he is approaching, is the head of a Cyberman. The Doctor stares through the glass at it. Rose stands behind him. ROSE: What is it? THE DOCTOR: An old friend of mine... well, enemy. The stuff of nightmares reduced to an exhibit. I'm getting old. ROSE: Is that where the signal's coming from? THE DOCTOR: Nah, it's stone dead. The signal's alive. Something's reaching out. (Stares intently through the glass). Calling for help. He places the tip of his finger gently on the glass. Immediately, an alarm goes off and they are promptly surrounded by soldiers all pointing their guns at them. ROSE: If someone's collecting aliens, that makes you Exhibit A. The Doctor flashes the soldiers a grin. OPENING CREDITS INT. CORRIDOR A helicopter lands. Inside a corridor, men with guns line the walls. Henry van Statten alights from a lift with a few others - they begin to walk briskly down the corridor. POLKOWSKI: On behalf of all of us, I want to wish you a very happy birthday, sir. (No reply). And the President called to convey his personal best wishes. VAN STATTEN: The President is 10 points down. I want him replaced. POLKOWSKI: I don't think that's very wise, sir... VAN STATTEN: Thank you so much for your opinion. You're fired. (To the soldiers): Get rid of him. POLKOWSKI: Wha...? The soldiers drag him off. Van Statten keeps on walking. VAN STATTEN: Wipe his memory, put him on the road someplace, Memphis, Minneapolis - somewhere beginning with 'M'. Another woman named Goddard hastens to take Polkowski's place. VAN STATTEN (CONT'D): So, the next President, what do you think? Republican or Democrat? GODDARD: Democrat, sir. VAN STATTEN: For what reason? GODDARD (a pause): They're just so funny, sir? They all stop. Van Statten looks at her. VAN STATTEN: What is your name? GODDARD: Goddard, sir. Diana Goddard. VAN STATTEN: I like you, Diana Goddard. (Resumes walking). So, where's the English kid? The "English Kid", Adam, hurries up to him. ADAM: Sir! Sir! I bought ten more artefacts at auction, Mr Van Statten. VAN STATTEN: Bring 'em on, let me see 'em. GODDARD: Sir, with respect, there's something more urgent. We arrested two intruders 54 floors down. We don't know how they got in. VAN STATTEN: I'll tell you how they got in. In'tro the window. In'tro the window, that was funny! (Polite laughs). Bring 'em in, let's see 'em, and tell Simmons I wanna visit my little den. Get to it! He goes through a door. GODDARD (into mouthpiece): Simmons? You'd better give me good news. Is it talking? INT. DALEK CELL From the alien's point of view, we see Simons attacking it with some sort of chainsaw. It is screaming. SIMMONS: Not exactly "talking", no. GODDARD: What's it doing? SIMMONS: Screaming. Is that any good? He applies the chain saw again. INT. VAN STATTEN'S EXECUTIVE OFFICE Van Statten is sitting at a table while Adam shows him the artefacts. ADAM: And this is the last... paid $800,000 for it. The Doctor, Rose and Goddard enter. VAN STATTEN: What does it do? Takes it from Adam. ADAM: Well you see, the tubes on the side must be to channel something, I think maybe fuel... THE DOCTOR: I really wouldn't hold it like that. GODDARD: Shut it. THE DOCTOR: Really, though, that's wrong. ADAM: Is it dangerous? THE DOCTOR: No. Just looks silly. He holds his hand out for the artefact. Security ready their guns. Van Statten holds up a hand to stop them and hands the object to the Doctor. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): You just need to be... He runs his fingers gently over the artefact and it plays a note, rather like a harmonica. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): ... delicate. Everyone looks suitably impressed. The Doctor beams around at them all whilst playing it. VAN STATTEN: It's a musical instrument. THE DOCTOR (nods): And it's a long way from home. VAN STATTEN (stands): Here, let me. He grabs it off the Doctor, who raises his eyebrows. THE DOCTOR: I did say "delicate". Reacts to the smallest fingerprint. Van Statten cannot make it play at first and it makes a series of bleeping noises. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): It needs precision. Van Statten touches it more gently and it plays a few notes. The Doctor smiles. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Very good. Quite the expert. VAN STATTEN: As are you. He tosses the instrument aside, where it lands somewhere on the floor. The Doctor's and Adam's eyes follow it, slightly alarmed. VAN STATTEN (CONT'D): Who exactly are you? The Doctor looks back at Van Statten with a new, slightly disdainful look in his eye. THE DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor. And who are you? VAN STATTEN: Like you don't know. We're hidden away with the most valuable collection of extra-terrestrial artefacts in the world and you just stumbled in by mistake. THE DOCTOR: Pretty much sums me up, yeah. VAN STATTEN: The question is, how did you get in? 53 floors down. With your little cat burglar accomplice. (Looks at Rose). Quite a collector yourself, she's rather pretty. ROSE: She's gonna smack you if you keep calling her "she" VAN STATTEN (eyes on the Doctor): She's English too! (To Adam). Hey, little Lord Fauntleroy, got you a girlfriend. ADAM: This is Mr Henry Van Statten. ROSE: And who's he when he's at home? ADAM: Mr Van Statten owns the Internet. ROSE: Don't be stupid, no one owns the Internet. VAN STATTEN: And let's just keep the whole world thinking that way, right kids? THE DOCTOR: So you're an expert on just about everything except the things in your museum. Anything you don't understand, you lock up. VAN STATTEN: And you claim greater knowledge? THE DOCTOR: I don't need to make claims, I know how good I am. VAN STATTEN: And yet, I captured you. Right next to the Cage. What were you doing down there? THE DOCTOR: You tell me. VAN STATTEN: The cage contains my one living specimen. THE DOCTOR: And what's that? VAN STATTEN: Like you don't know. THE DOCTOR: Show me. VAN STATTEN: You wanna see it? ROSE: Blimey, you can smell the testosterone VAN STATTEN: Goddard, inform the Cage. We're heading down. Goddard nods. VAN STATTEN (to Adam): You, English. Look after the girl. Canoodle or spoon, or whatever it is you British do. And you, Doctor with no name... (Ready by the lift). Come and see my pet. INT. OUTSIDE DALEK CELL Van Statten leads the Doctor to the cage. VAN STATTEN: We've tried everything. The creatures has... shielded itself but there's definite signs of life inside. He has entered a code to enter the Cage. The door to the Cage opens behind him. THE DOCTOR: Inside? Inside what? SIMMONS (to Van Statten): Welcome back, sir. I've had to take the power down, the Metaltron is resting. THE DOCTOR: Metaltron? VAN STATTEN: Thought of it myself. Good, isn't it? Although I'd much to prefer to find out its real name. SIMMONS (to the Doctor): Here, you'd better put these on. (Offers the Doctor a pair of gloves). The last guy that touched it... burst into flames. THE DOCTOR: I won't touch it then. Goddard smirks. VAN STATTEN: Go ahead, Doctor. Impress me. Goddard looks at the Doctor. With a placid expression on his face, he steps into the Cage. Van Statten steps away. VAN STATTEN (CONT'D): Don't open that door until we get a result. He and Goddard bend down to look at the monitor showing surveillance footage from the Cage. It is pitch dark inside - they watch the Doctor enter. INT. DALEK CELL The door shuts behind the Doctor. He looks at some of the instruments Simmons was using to torture the alien. Through the darkness, the Doctor sees a blue light giving away the alien's location in the Cage. THE DOCTOR: Look, I'm sorry about this. Mr Van Statten might think he's clever, but never mind him. I've come to help. I'm the Doctor. DALEK: Doc-tor. THE DOCTOR (absolute shock): Impossible. DALEK: THE Doctor? The Doctor watches, his eyes wide, his mouth slightly open. Lights suddenly come on, illuminating the Dalek. DALEK (CONT'D): Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! The Doctor bangs on the door of the cage, rattling it. THE DOCTOR: Let me out! DALEK: Exterminate! INT. OUTSIDE DALEK CELL GODDARD: Sir, it's gonna kill him! VAN STATTEN: It's talking! INT. DALEK CELL DALEK: You are an enemy of the Daleks! You must be destroyed! It waves its gun around helplessly. The Doctor stops looking terrified and his face breaks into a huge grin. THE DOCTOR: It's not working! The Dalek's eyepiece looks down at its gun. The Doctor laughs manically. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Fantastic! Oh, fantastic! Powerless! Look at you. The Great Space Dustbin. How does it feel? He lunges at the Dalek. The Dalek strains against its chains. DALEK: Keep back! The Doctor is inches from the Dalek, looking straight into its eyepiece. THE DOCTOR: What for? What're you going to do to me? (silence). If you can't kill... then what are you good for, Dalek? What's the point of you? He circles the Dalek. The Dalek follows his progress with its eyepiece. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): You're nothing. INT. OUTSIDE DALEK CELL Van Statten, Goddard and Simmons watch the proceedings, intrigued. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): What the hell are you here for? Goddard glances at Van Statten. INT. DALEK CELL DALEK: I am waiting for orders. THE DOCTOR: What does that mean? DALEK: I am a soldier. I was bred to receive orders. THE DOCTOR: Well you're never gonna get any. Not ever. DALEK: I demand orders! THE DOCTOR (voice rising): They're never gonna come! Your race is dead! You all burnt, all of you. Ten million ships on fire, the entire Dalek race wiped out in one second. DALEK: You lie! THE DOCTOR: I watched it happen. I MADE it happen! DALEK: You destroyed us? The Doctor's expression changes. He walks away, his back turned on the Dalek. THE DOCTOR (quietly): I had no choice. DALEK: And what of the Time Lords? INT. OUTSIDE DALEK CELL Van Statten, Goddard and Simmons watch the monitor avidly. The Doctor pauses. INT. DALEK CELL THE DOCTOR: Dead. They burnt with you. The end of the last great Time War. Everyone lost. DALEK: And the coward survived. THE DOCTOR (mockingly): Oh, and I caught your little signal... help me... poor little thing (resumes normal tone). But there's no one else coming 'cos there's no one else left. DALEK (lowers eyepiece): I am alone in the Universe. THE DOCTOR (smiles): Yep. DALEK: So are you. The Doctor's smile fades. DALEK (CONT'D): We are the same. The Doctor spins around to face the Dalek angrily. THE DOCTOR (furious): We're not the same, I'm not... (Stops). No, wait. Maybe we are. You're right, yeah, okay. You've got a point. 'Cos I know what to do. I know what should happen. I know what you deserve. (Raises eyebrows). Exterminate. He pulls a lever on the control panel and the Dalek is immediately engulfed by electricity. It starts screaming again. DALEK: Have pity! THE DOCTOR: Why should I? You never did. He turns up the voltage. INT. OUTSIDE DALEK CELL VAN STATTEN (to soldiers): Get him out. INT. DALEK CELL DALEK: Help me! Security burst in and grab the Doctor before he can lunge for the control panel again. Van Statten addresses the Dalek. VAN STATTEN: I saved your life, now talk to me! Goddamn it, talk to me! THE DOCTOR (as he is dragged away): You've got to destroy it! VAN STATTEN: The last in the Universe. And now I know your name. Dalek. Speak to me, Dalek. (Silence). I am Henry van Statten, now recognise me! (Silence again. To Simmons): Make it talk again, Simmons. Simmons approaches the Dalek with a greedy look in his eye. VAN STATTEN (CONT'D): Whatever it takes. INT. ADAM'S WORKSHOP Adam shows Rose into his workshop. Rose looks around. ADAM: Sorry about the mess. Mr Van Statten sort of lets me do my own thing. So long as I deliver the goods... Rose prods a few things on the surfaces. ADAM (CONT'D): What do you think, that is? He hands Rose an object. ROSE: Er... a lump of metal? ADAM: Yeah. Yeah, but I think... well, I'm almost certain, it's from the hull of a spacecraft. Rose finishes examining the lump of metal and places it down carefully. ADAM (CONT'D): The thing is, it's all true. Everything the United Nations tries to keep quiet, spacecrafts, aliens, visitors to Earth, they really exist. ROSE: That's amazing. ADAM: I know it sounds incredible, but I honestly believe that the whole universe is teeming with life. ROSE (smiling slightly): I'm gob-smacked, yeah. And you do what? Sit here and catalogue it? ADAM: Best job in the world. ROSE: Imagine if you could get out there. Travel amongst the stars and see it for real. ADAM: Yeah... I'd give anything. But I don't think it's ever gonna happen, not in our lifetimes. ROSE: Oh, you never know... what about all those people who say they've been inside spaceships and things and talked to aliens? ADAM: I think they're nutters. ROSE: Yeah, me too. (Both laugh). So, how'd you end up here? ADAM: Van Statten has agents all over the world looking for geniuses to recruit. ROSE: Ah, right, you're a genius. ADAM: Sorry, but yeah... can't help it, I was born clever. Rose smiles. ADAM (CONT'D): When I was eight, I logged onto the US Defence System, nearly caused World War Three. ROSE: What, and that's funny is it? ADAM: Well you should've been there! Just to see them running about! Fantastic! ROSE: You sound like the Doctor. ADAM: Are you and him...? ROSE (quickly): No, we're just friends. ADAM (nods): Good. ROSE (smiling, a little shy): Why's it good? ADAM: Just is. A pause. ROSE (breaking the moment): So... wouldn't you rather be downstairs? I mean, you've got these bits of metal and stuff, but Mr Van Statten's got a living creature down there. ADAM: Yeah... yeah well I did ask but he keeps it to himself. Although, if you're a genius, it does take long to patch in on the comms system. ROSE (laughs): Let's have a look then. Adam turns to the computer and taps some keys and Rose observes over his shoulder. ADAM: It doesn't do much, the alien. It's weird, it's kind of... useless, it's just like this... great big pepper pot. They access the screen that surveys the Cage. They watch Simmons approach the Dalek and begin to torture it with one of the devices. The Dalek screams again. ROSE (alarmed): It's being tortured! Where's the Doctor? ADAM: I don't know. ROSE: Take me down there. Now. She strides from the room. INT. LIFT The Doctor, Van Statten, Goddard and the security guards step into the lift. THE DOCTOR: The metal's just battle armour. The real Dalek creature's inside. VAN STATTEN: What does it look like? THE DOCTOR: A nightmare. It's a mutation. The Dalek race was genetically engineered, every single emotion was removed except hate. VAN STATTEN (impressed): Genetically engineered... by whom? THE DOCTOR: By a genius, Van Statten. By a man who was king of his own little world, you'd like him. GODDARD: It's been on Earth for over fifty years, sold at a private auction moving from one collection to another. Why would it be a threat now? THE DOCTOR: Because I'm here. How did it get to Earth? Does anyone know? GODDARD: Records say it came from the sky like a meteorite. It fell to Earth on the Ascension Islands, burnt in its crater for nearly three days before anybody could get near it and all that time it was screaming. It must've gone insane. THE DOCTOR: Must've fallen through time. The only survivor. GODDARD: You talked about a war? THE DOCTOR: The Time War. The final battle between my people and the Dalek race. VAN STATTEN: But you survived too. THE DOCTOR: Not by choice. VAN STATTEN: This means that the Dalek isn't the only alien on Earth, Doctor, there's you. The only one of your kind in existence. INT. EXAMINATION ROOM Lights flash on, illuminating the Doctor. They have chained him up against a rack and striped his torso. Van Statten stands behind an instrument pointing at the Doctor. VAN STATTEN: Now, smile! The instrument runs some sort of scan over the Doctor's torso. The Doctor moans slightly in pain, grimacing. The scan image shows the Doctor's ribcage with two hearts beating within it. VAN STATTEN (CONT'D): Two hearts! Binary vascular system! Oh, I am so going to patent this. THE DOCTOR: So that's your secret. You don't just collect this stuff, you scavenge it. VAN STATTEN: This technology has been falling to Earth for centuries. All it took was the right mind to use it properly. Oh, the advances I've made from alien junk, you have no idea, Doctor. Broadband? Roswell. Just last year my scientists cultivated bacteria from the Russian Crater, and do you know what they found? The Doctor looks at him angrily but questioningly. VAN STATTEN (CONT'D): The cure for the common cold. Kept it strictly within the laboratory of course, no need to get people excited. Why sell one cure when I can sell a thousand palliatives? He smiles smugly. THE DOCTOR: Do you know what a Dalek is, Van Statten? A Dalek is honest. It does what it was born to do for the survival of its species, that creature in your dungeon is better than you. VAN STATTEN: In that case, I will be true to myself and continue. He walks back to the scanner. THE DOCTOR (frantic): Listen to me, that thing downstairs is going to kill every last one of us! VAN STATTEN: Nothing can escape the Cage. He runs the scan again. The Doctor writhes with pain. THE DOCTOR: But it's woken up! It knows I'm here! It's gonna get out! Van Statten, I swear no one on this base is safe! No one on this planet! The scan is run again. The Doctor groans in pain and throws his head back. INT. OUTSIDE DALEK CELL Adam enters the lobby outside the Cage, followed by Rose. BYWATER: Hold it right there! ADAM (flashes ID): Level three access. Special clearance from Mr Van Statten. They pass Simons and enter the Cage. INT. DALEK CELL Rose stares at the Dalek. ADAM: Don't get too close... Rose walks slowly up to the Dalek and peers into its eyepiece. It watches her. ROSE: Hello? The Dalek simply continues to watch her. Rose is innocently concerned. ROSE (CONT'D): Are you in pain? My name's Rose Tyler. I've got a friend, he can help. He's called the Doctor. What's your name? DALEK: Yes. ROSE: What? The Dalek raises its eyepiece to look into her face. DALEK (slowly and wearily): I am in pain. They tortured me. But still they fear me. Do you fear me? ROSE: No. The Dalek lowers its eyepiece. DALEK: I am dying. ROSE: No, we can help! DALEK: I welcome death. But I am glad... that before I die... I met a human who was not afraid. Rose looks overwhelmed with sadness and pity. ROSE: Isn't there anything I can do? DALEK: My race is dead. I shall die alone. Rose has tears in her eyes. She places a hand gently on the Dalek. ADAM (too late): Rose, no! The place where Rose has put her hand suddenly burns bright orange and she snatches her hand away from the heat. The Dalek's tone changes. DALEK: Genetic material extrapolated, initiate cellular reconstruction! It bursts out of its chains with a new lease of life. Sparks fly from it. Simmons enters the room. SIMMONS: What the hell have you done? He approaches the Dalek. It points a sucker at him. SIMMONS (CONT'D): Whatcha gonna do? Sucker me to death? The Dalek proceeds to do just that. It places the sucker over Simmons face and we hear his skull cracking as it sucks inwards. Rose and Adam rush outside. INT. OUTSIDE DALEK CELL ROSE (to Bywater): It's killing him! Do something! BYWATER (over intercom): Condition red! Repeat, condition red! This is not a drill! INT. EXAMINATION ROOM Van Statten, still with the Doctor looks up, as does the Doctor, who is sweating with the pain. THE DOCTOR (wearily): Release me if you want to live. INT. VAN STATTEN'S EXECUTIVE OFFICE The Doctor, Van Statten, Goddard and Van Statten's security guards exit the lift and enter Van Statten's office. The Doctor addresses a monitor where there is a communication link to the lobby. THE DOCTOR: You've got to keep it in that cell. ROSE: Doctor, it's all my fault. BYWATER: I've sealed the compartment. It can't get out, that lock's got a billion combinations. THE DOCTOR: The Dalek's a genius. It can calculate a thousand billion combinations in one second flat. INT. DALEK CELL Inside the cage, the Dalek places its sucker to the code lock and begins to run through all the combinations. INT. OUTSIDE DALEK CELL Rose and Adam stand before the door with security, who are pointing their guns at the door. In no time at all, the door opens. BYWATER: Open fire! They shoot at the Dalek. INT. VAN STATTEN'S EXECUTIVE OFFICE VAN STATTEN: Don't shoot it, I want it unharmed! THE DOCTOR: Rose, get out of there! INT. OUTSIDE DALEK CELL The Dalek advances upon them, the bullets having no affect at all. Bywater turns to the female guard. BYWATER: De Maggio, take the civilians and get them out alive. That is your job, got that? DE MAGGIO (to Rose and Adam): You, with me. They follow her. The Dalek approaches the screen displaying the Doctor, Van Statten and Goddard and smashes right through it. Then electricity starts to course through it. It wails as the peeling metal bends back into shape, the rust fades away. It looks perfect again. BYWATER (into mouthpiece): Abandoning the cage, sir. INT. VAN STATTEN'S EXECUTIVE OFFICE Goddard is tapping into a computer as Van Statten and the Doctor look over her shoulder. GODDARD: We're losing power. It's draining the base. Oh, my God. It's raiding entire power supplies for the whole of Utah. THE DOCTOR: It's downloading. VAN STATTEN: Downloading what? GODDARD: Sir, the entire West Coast has gone down. THE DOCTOR: It's not just energy. That Dalek just absorbed the entire Internet. It knows everything. INT. OUTSIDE DALEK CELL The Dalek finally backs away from the computer. DALEK: The Daleks survive in me! The Dalek fires its exterminator beam randomly around the room, as though to test it. INT. VAN STATTEN'S EXECUTIVE OFFICE GODDARD: Sir, the cameras in the vault have gone down. THE DOCTOR: We've only got emergency power, it's eaten everything else, you've got to kill it now! GODDARD: All guards to converge in the Metaltron cage, immediately. INT. VAULT CORRIDORS Rose and Adam run past another bunch of security guards, led by De Maggio. DE MAGGIO: Civilians! Let them through! Rose and Adam run out of sight. The guards point their guns ready in the direction they anticipate the Dalek will approach from. Bywater runs into view. BYWATER (shouts): Cover the north wall: Red division, maintain suppressing fire along the perimeter, Blue Division hold. He is exterminated by the Dalek behind him. The guards immediately start firing at the Dalek, but the bullets melt before they can even touch the armour. The Dalek is surrounded - but it simply exterminates them, one by one, the bullets having no effect. INT. VAN STATTEN'S EXECUTIVE OFFICE VAN STATTEN (to Goddard): Tell them to stop shooting at it! GODDARD: It's killing them! VAN STATTEN: They're dispensable, that Dalek is unique. (Into intercom): I don't want a scratch on its body work? Do you hear me? Do you hear me? The sound of the gunshots fade into silence. INT. VAULT CORRIDORS Every single soldier lies dead. The Dalek proceeds up the corridor. INT. VAN STATTEN'S EXECUTIVE OFFICE Goddard shows the Doctor a map of the base on the computer screen. GODDARD: That's us right below the surface. That's the cage, and that's the Dalek. She indicates a blue light moving along a corridor. THE DOCTOR: This museum of yours, have you got any alien weapons? GODDARD: Lots of them, but the trouble is the Dalek's between us and them. VAN STATTEN: We've got to keep that thing alive. We could just seal the entire vault, trap it down there. THE DOCTOR: Leaving everyone trapped with it? Rose is down there. I won't let that happen. Have you got that? Van Statten stands up. The Doctor turns back to the computer screen and Goddard. THE DOCTOR: It's got to go through this area. What's that? GODDARD: Weapons testing. THE DOCTOR: Give guns to the lawyers, technicians, anyone. Everyone. Only then have you got a chance of killing it. Goddard nods and gets up. The Doctor takes her place in front of the computer. INT. STAIRCASE Rose, still running, finds herself at the foot of a flight of stairs. ROSE: Stairs! That's more like it! Adam runs up behind her. ROSE (CONT'D): It hasn't got legs, it's stuck! DE MAGGIO (joining them): It's coming! Get up! They run up the stairs and look over the banisters to watch the Dalek. It stops at the foot of the stairs. Adam breathes a small sigh of relief. It runs its eyepiece over the stairs. ADAM (mockingly): Great big alien death machine. Defeated by a flight of stairs. The Dalek's eyepiece rests on them. De Maggio still has her gun pointing at it. DE MAGGIO: Now, listen to me. I demand that you return to your cage. If you want to negotiate, then I guarantee that Mr Van Statten will be willing to talk. I accept that we imprisoned you and maybe that was wrong. But people have died, and that stops. Right now. The killing stops, have you got that? The Dalek merely watches her, saying nothing. DE MAGGIO (CONT'D): I demand that you surrender, is that clear? Short pause. DALEK: El-ev-ate. The Dalek levitates in the air and floats up the first few steps of the stairs. ROSE: Oh my God. The Dalek proceeds up the stairs. Adam looks gob smacked. DE MAGGIO: Adam, get her out of here. ROSE (urgently): Come with us, you can't stop it! DE MAGGIO: Someone's got to try. Now get out! She pushes them away. DE MAGGIO (CONT'D): Don't look back, just run! Adam and Rose go up the rest of the stairs. The Dalek advances. De Maggio shoots at it without avail. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CORRIDOR Moments later, Rose and Adam hear the sound of the exterminator beam and De Maggio's scream. They run down the corridor terrified. INT. VAN STATTEN'S EXECUTIVE OFFICE VAN STATTEN: I thought you were the great expert, Doctor. The Doctor, still staring at the monitor, does not answer. VAN STATTEN (CONT'D): If you're so impressive, then why not just reason with this Dalek? It must be willing to negotiate, there must be something it needs, everything needs something. THE DOCTOR: What's the nearest town? VAN STATTEN: Saltlake City. THE DOCTOR: Population? VAN STATTEN: One million. THE DOCTOR: All dead. If the Dalek gets out, it'll murder every living creature, that's all it needs. VAN STATTEN (furious): But why would it do that?! THE DOCTOR Because it honestly believes they should die. Human beings are different, and anything different is wrong. It's the ultimate in racial cleansing and you, Van Statten, you've let it loose! INT. WEAPONS TESTING AREA The soldiers position themselves. THE DOCTOR (through intercom): The Dalek's surrounded by a force field. The bullets are melting before they even hit home but it's not indestructible. If you concentrate your fire, you might get through. The soldiers wait apprehensively. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Aim for the dome, the head, the eyepiece. That's the weak spot. COMMANDER: Thank you, Doctor, but I think I know how to fight one single tin robot. Positions! They ready their guns and wait. After a few moments, Rose and Adam run into view, right in the middle of the open area. COMMANDER (CONT'D): Hold your fire! Rose and Adam stop. COMMANDER (CONT'D): You two, get the hell out of there! Rose and Adam make it outside the door the moment the Dalek slowly comes into view. They stop for a moment to watch it. The Dalek also stops, and it focuses on them. It then zooms right in on Rose's face and turns in their direction. Adam grabs Rose's hand and pulls her away, but she stops again. ROSE: It was looking at me. ADAM: Yeah, it wants to slaughter us! Rose pulls her hand away. ROSE: I know! But it was looking right at me. ADAM (impatiently): So? It's just a sort of metal eye thing, it's looking all around! ROSE (shakes her head): I don't know... it's like there's something inside looking at me, like... like it knows me. The Dalek makes its way towards the door. COMMANDER: On my mark... The Dalek looks up at them. COMMANDER (CONT'D): Open fire! They all start shooting at the Dalek. Like before, the bullets have no effect. INT. VAN STATTEN'S EXECUTIVE OFFICE GODDARD: We've got vision. The Doctor stands up and looks at the monitor, showing the weapons testing area. THE DOCTOR: It wants us to see. The Dalek is looking straight at the camera, completely unperturbed by the volley of gunshots. INT. WEAPONS TESTING AREA The Dalek slowly levitates into the air until it is hovering near the ceiling. It fires it's exterminator beam at the fire alarm, causing the fire sprinkles to rain water from the ceiling. The bullets keep coming, but the Dalek pays no heed. It aims at a man who has his feet firmly rooted to the wet ground and fires its exterminator beam at him. The rest of the team fall like flies except from the Commander and one of his men who are sheltered from the sprinklers. COMMANDER: Fall back! Fall back! The Dalek exterminates both of them and then observes the tens of lifeless forms lying on the wet ground with their useless bullet scattered on the floor. INT. VAN STATTEN'S EXECUTIVE OFFICE There is a silence in Van Statten's office. The Doctor looks down, breathing heavily in shock. VAN STATTEN (stunned): Perhaps it's time for a new strategy, maybe we should consider abandoning this place. GODDARD (quietly furious with him): Except there's no power to the helipad, sir. We can't get out. THE DOCTOR: You said you could seal the vault. VAN STATTEN (going to the computer): It was designed to be a bunker. In the event of nuclear war, steel bulkheads... GODDARD (to the Doctor): There's not enough power, those bulkheads are massive. THE DOCTOR: We've got emergency power, we can re-route that to the bulkhead doors. GODDARD: We'd have to bypass the security codes, that would take a computer genius! VAN STATTEN: Good thing you've got me, then. THE DOCTOR: You want to help? VAN STATTEN: I don't want to die, Doctor, simple as that. Nobody knows this software better than me. The screen showing the footage of the basement suddenly flashes back into life. The Dalek is still standing in the middle of the open area. At first, only Goddard notices. GODDARD: Sir... The Doctor and Van Statten also look round at the screen. DALEK: I shall speak only to the Doctor. The Doctor slowly straightens up, not taking his eyes off the Dalek. THE DOCTOR: You're gonna get rusty. DALEK: I fed off the DNA of Rose Tyler. Extrapolating the biomass of a time traveller regenerated me. THE DOCTOR: What's your next trick? DALEK: I have been searching for the Daleks. THE DOCTOR: Yeah, I saw. Downloading the Internet. (Walks around the table to be nearer the screen). What did you find? DALEK: I scanned your satellites and radio telescopes. THE DOCTOR: And? DALEK: Nothing. (Voice rising, it's scared). Where shall I get my orders now? THE DOCTOR: You're just a soldier without commands. DALEK: Then I shall follow the primary order, the Dalek instinct to destroy! To conquer! THE DOCTOR (exasperated): What for? What's the point? (Silence). Don't you see? It's all gone. Everything you were, everything you stood for. DALEK: Then what should I do? THE DOCTOR: All right then. If you want orders... follow this one: kill yourself. DALEK: The Daleks must survive! THE DOCTOR (angrily): The Daleks have failed. Why don't you finish the job and make the Daleks extinct? Rid the Universe of your filth, why don't you just die? He shouts this last word, spit flying from his mouth in his passionate hatred. The Dalek is silent for a few seconds, then... DALEK: You would make a good Dalek. The screen goes blank. The Doctor stares, dumbstruck. THE DOCTOR: Seal the vaults. INT. WEAPONS TESTING AREA The Dalek elevates its way out of the room. INT. VAN STATTEN'S EXECUTIVE OFFICE Van Statten and the Doctor are busy tapping into the computer. VAN STATTEN: I can leech power off the ground defences, feed it to the bulkheads. It's been years since I had to work this fast. THE DOCTOR: Are you enjoying this? GODDARD: Doctor, she's still down there. INT. STAIRWELL Adam is running up a flight of stairs in a stairwell, followed by Rose who is on her mobile to the Doctor. ROSE: This isn't the best time. THE DOCTOR: Where are you? ROSE: Level 49. INT. VAN STATTEN'S EXECUTIVE OFFICE THE DOCTOR (working on the computer): You've got to keep moving, the vault's being sealed off, bulkhead level 46. ROSE: Can't you stop them closing? THE DOCTOR: I'm the one who's closing them. I can't wait and I can't help you. Now for God's sake, run. INT. STAIRWELL Rose and Adam run up the stairs, the Dalek in pursuit. INT. VAN STATTEN'S EXECUTIVE OFFICE VAN STATTEN: Done it. We've got power to the bulkheads. GODDARD: The Dalek's right behind them. INT. CORRIDOR Rose and Adam round a corner on floor 46. ROSE: We're nearly there, give us two seconds. INT. VAN STATTEN'S EXECUTIVE OFFICE VAN STATTEN: Doctor, I can't sustain the power. The whole system is failing. The Doctor looks at him. VAN STATTEN (CONT'D): Doctor, you've got to close the bulkheads. Focused on the Doctor's eyes. He pauses for a few moments, trying to summon the courage, observed by Van Statten and Goddard. THE DOCTOR: I'm sorry. He hits the enter key. INT. CORRIDOR The bulkhead begins to lower, Adam's nearly there but Rose is falling behind a little. ADAM: Come on! The bulkhead is only about a foot away from the ground when Adam manages to roll underneath it. INT. VAN STATTEN'S EXECUTIVE OFFICE The Doctor stares intently at the screen, waiting. VAN STATTEN: The vault is sealed. The Doctor leaps out of his seat. THE DOCTOR: Rose, where are you? Rose, did you make it? INT. CORRIDOR Rose leans against the wrong side of the bulkhead, taking a few steadying breaths before answering. ROSE: Sorry, I was a bit slow. INT. VAN STATTEN'S EXECUTIVE OFFICE Horrible shock spreads across the Doctor's face. INT. CORRIDOR Rose glances behind her to see the Dalek round the corner. She turns away. ROSE: See you then, Doctor. INT. VAN STATTEN'S EXECUTIVE OFFICE The Doctor is silent, just staring, horrified. INT. CORRIDOR ROSE (voice trembling): It wasn't your fault. Remember that, okay? It wasn't your fault. And do you know what? (Chokes up). I wouldn't have missed it for the world. Rose turns slowly around to face the Dalek as it approaches her. INT. VAN STATTEN'S EXECUTIVE OFFICE DALEK: Exterminate! The Doctor hears the sound of the death ray and he tears the earpiece off. There is a stunned silence in Van Statten's office. THE DOCTOR (blank): I killed her. VAN STATTEN: I'm sorry. THE DOCTOR (turns to him): I said I'd protect her. She was only here because of me, and you're sorry? I could've killed that Dalek in its cell. But you stopped me. VAN STATTEN: It was the prize of my collection! THE DOCTOR (furious): Your collection? But was it worth it? Worth all those men's deaths? Worth Rose? (Silence). Let me tell you something, Van Statten. Mankind goes into space to explore. To be part of something greater. VAN STATTEN (standing in enthusiasm): Exactly! I wanted to touch the stars! THE DOCTOR (contemptuously, full of hate): You just want to drag the stars down and stick them underground underneath tons of sand and dirt. And label them. You're about as far from the stars as you can get. The Doctor's face, contorted with fury suddenly softens into a sad, grief-stricken expression. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): And you took her down with you. (Stares into space). She was nineteen years old. INT. CORRIDOR Rose has her eyes closed, ready for the Dalek to kill her. The Dalek approaches but does nothing. It just stares at her as Rose opens her eyes cautiously and looks round. ROSE: Go on then, kill me. (Silence. Angrily): Why are you doing this? DALEK: I am armed. I will kill. It is my purpose. ROSE: They're all dead because of you! DALEK: They are dead because of us. Rose is shaken into a short silence. ROSE: And now what? What're you waiting for? DALEK: I feel your fear. ROSE: What do you expect?! DALEK: Daleks do not fear. Must not fear. It shoots its death ray wildly at the wall either side of Rose. DALEK (CONT'D) (slightly hysterical, even scared): You gave me life. What else have you given me? I am contaminated! INT. VAN STATTEN'S EXECUTIVE OFFICE Adam steps out of the lift into Van Statten's office. The Doctor rounds on him. THE DOCTOR: You were quick on your feet, leaving Rose behind. ADAM (indignantly): I'm not the one who sealed the vault! The screen springs into life. It shows Rose standing by the Dalek's side. DALEK: Open the bulkhead or Rose Tyler dies. The Doctor takes a few steps towards the screen, an expression of joy and relief breaking out onto his face. THE DOCTOR: You're alive! ROSE: Can't get rid of me. THE DOCTOR: I thought you were dead. DALEK: Open the bulkhead! ROSE: Don't do it! DALEK: What use are emotions if you will not save the woman you love? The Doctors is stunned. He turns to Van Statten, who is looking at him, shocked. THE DOCTOR: I killed her once. (Goes to the computer). I can't do it again. He hits the return key. INT. CORRIDOR The bulkhead opens and the Dalek and Rose slowly go through it. INT. VAN STATTEN'S EXECUTIVE OFFICE VAN STATTEN (desperate): What do we do now? You bleeding heart, what the hell do we do? The Doctor stares at him wordlessly. ADAM: Kill it when it gets here! GODDARD: All the guns are useless, and the alien weapons are in the vault. ADAM: Only the catalogued ones. Van Statten turns to him, eyebrows raised. Adam looks back at him apologetically. INT. ADAM'S WORKSHOP The Doctor is in Adam's workshop, going through a basket of Adam's un-catalogued weapons. THE DOCTOR (takes one out): Broken. (Chucks it aside, takes another). Broken. (Chucks it aside, takes another). Hairdryer. ADAM: Mr Van Statten tends to dispose of his staff, and when he does he wipes their memory. I kept this stuff in case I needed to fight my way out one day. THE DOCTOR: What, you in a fight? I'd like to see that. ADAM (mildly offended): I could do. THE DOCTOR: What're you gonna do, throw your A-Levels at 'em? (Finds a suitable weapon). Oh, yes. Lock and load. INT. LIFT Rose and the Dalek are in the lift going up to Van Statten's office. The atmosphere is very tense. Rose watches the Dalek's exterminator arm twitch slightly. ROSE: I'm begging you, don't kill them, you didn't kill me. The Dalek spins its eyepiece around to look at Rose so fast she has to duck out of the way to avoid having her eye poked out. DALEK: But why not? Why are you alive? My function is to kill. What am I? What am I? INT. VAN STATTEN'S EXECUTIVE OFFICE The lift door opens and Van Statten is standing there, waiting. ROSE: Don't move! Don't do anything, it's beginning to question itself. The Dalek advances on Van Statten. DALEK: Van Statten. You tortured me. Why? VAN STATTEN (backing away, terrified): I wanted to help you, I just... I don't know, I, I was just trying to help. I thought if we could get through to you, if we could mend you... I wanted you better, I'm sorry. The Dalek still advances, backing him against the wall. VAN STATTEN (CONT'D) (voice rising shrilly): I'm so sorry! I swear! I just wanted you to talk! DALEK: Then hear me talk now. Exterminate! Exterminate! Van Statten winces. DALEK (CONT'D): Exterminate! ROSE (rushing over): Don't do it! Don't kill him! The Dalek spins to face her. Rose looks right into its eyepiece. ROSE (CONT'D): You don't have to do this anymore. There must be something else. Not just killing... what else is there? What d'you want? The Dalek turns back to Van Statten. Then back to Rose. DALEK: I want freedom. INT. STAIRWELL The Doctor runs up the stairs, holding the alien weapon. INT. WIDE, OPEN CORRIDOR Rose and the Dalek are on floor 01 in the base. The Dalek fires its death ray at the ceiling, making a hole through which the sunlight floods, shining on the Dalek. ROSE: You're out. You made it. (Smiles). Never thought I'd see the sunlight again. DALEK: How... does... it... feel? Before an astonished Rose, the Dalek opens up its casing to reveal the mutated creature inside. It stretches its feelers out to the sunlight. Rose gazes at it until a voice behind her makes her jump. THE DOCTOR: Get out of the way. He is holding the gun, pointing it at the Dalek. Rose stares at him in shock. She does not move. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Rose, get out of the way, now! ROSE: No! 'Cos I won't let you do this! THE DOCTOR: That thing killed hundreds of people. ROSE (coldly): It's not the one pointing the gun at me. THE DOCTOR: I've got to do this. I've got to end it. The Daleks destroyed my home, my people. I've got nothing left. ROSE: Look at it. She stands aside and gestures to the Dalek who feeling the sunlight. THE DOCTOR (confused): What's it doing? ROSE: It's the sunlight, that's all it wants! THE DOCTOR (voice shaking): But it can't... ROSE: It couldn't kill Van Statten, it couldn't kill me, it's changing. What about you, Doctor? What the hell are you changing into? The Doctor finally lowers the gun. He looks completely lost. THE DOCTOR (close to tears): I couldn't... Rose stares at him. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): I wasn't... (Looks at the Dalek, then back at Rose). Oh, Rose. They're all dead. DALEK: Why do we survive? THE DOCTOR: I don't know. DALEK (speech an effort, now): I am the last of the Daleks. THE DOCTOR: You're not even that. Rose did more than regenerate you. You absorbed her DNA. You're mutating. DALEK: Into what? THE DOCTOR: Something new. I'm sorry. ROSE: Isn't that better? THE DOCTOR: Not for a Dalek. DALEK: I can feel so many ideas. So much darkness... Rose... give me orders! Order me to die. It closes its eye. The Doctor looks from the Dalek to Rose. ROSE: I can't do that. DALEK: This is not life. This is sickness. Rose's face contorts with pity and disgust. DALEK (CONT'D): I shall not be like you. Order my destruction! Obey! Obey! Obey! ROSE (after a moment): Do it. DALEK: Are you frightened, Rose Tyler? ROSE: Yeah. DALEK: So am I. (Feebly). Exterminate. Rose stumbles backwards, and runs to the Doctor's side as the Dalek replaces its armour. It levitates into the air and the golden knobs detach themselves to surround the Dalek in a perfect sphere. The Dalek glows briefly, and then explodes inside the sphere, vanishing into nothing. The Doctor stares at the place where it disappeared, stunned. INT. CORRIDOR Goddard walks slowly up to Van Statten, who has several guards standing behind him. She raises behind them and they grab him by the shoulders and push him backwards. Goddard follows them at a brisk walk. VAN STATTEN: What the hell are you doing?! GODDARD: Two hundred personnel dead, and all because of you, sir. Take him away, wipe his memory, and leave him by the road someplace. VAN STATTEN: You can't do this to me! I am Henry Van Statten! GODDARD: And by tonight, Henry Van Statten will be a homeless, brainless junkie living on the streets of San Diego, Seattle, Sacramento. (Turns away with a flourish and a satisfied smile). Someplace beginning with 'S'. INT. EXHIBIT ROOM Rose and the Doctor stand by the TARDIS. The Doctor has his hand on it, looking up at it pensively. THE DOCTOR (sadly): Little piece of home. Better than nothing. ROSE: Is that the end of it? The Time War? THE DOCTOR: I'm the only one left. I win. How about that. ROSE (consolingly): The Dalek survived... maybe some of your people did too. THE DOCTOR: I'd know. In here. (Gestures his head). Feels like there's no one. ROSE: Well then, good thing I'm not going anywhere. ([i]Smiles).[/i] THE DOCTOR (smiles back): Yeah. Adam jogs up to them. ADAM: We'd better get out. Van Statten's disappeared... they're closing down the base. The Doctor faces him with his arms folded. ADAM (CONT'D): Goddard says they're going to fill it full of cement! Like it never existed! ROSE: About time. ADAM: I'll have to go back home. THE DOCTOR: Better hurry up then. Next flight to Heathrow leaves at 1500 hours. ROSE (hintiong): Adam was saying that all his life he's wanted to see the stars... THE DOCTOR: Tell him to go and stand outside, then. ROSE: He's all on his own, Doctor. And he did help. THE DOCTOR: He left you down there! ROSE: So did you! ADAM: What're you talking about? We've got to leave! THE DOCTOR (eyes on Rose): Rose, he's a bit pretty. ROSE (innocently): I hadn't noticed. The Doctor raises his eyebrows skeptically and turns to the TARDIS. THE DOCTOR: On your own head. ADAM: What're you doing? She said 'cement'. She wasn't joking, we're going to get sealed in. Both the Doctor and Rose disappear into the TARDIS, leaving Adam standing outside. ADAM (CONT'D): Doctor? (Sounding genuinely concerned for their sanity). What're you doing standing inside a box? (Pauses). Rose? He peers through the doors and steps inside. The engines start up and the TARDIS dematerialises.

Plan: A: a signal; Q: What draws the TARDIS off course? A: 2012; Q: In what year did the Doctor and Rose end up in Salt Lake City? A: an underground bunker; Q: What is the bunker? A: alien artefacts; Q: What does Henry van Statten collect? A: the Time War; Q: What war did the Dalek survive? A: Adam Mitchell; Q: Who leads Rose to the Dalek? A: pity; Q: What does Rose feel for the Dalek? A: her DNA; Q: What does the Dalek absorb from Rose? A: The Dalek; Q: What is the Doctor's greatest enemy? A: her life; Q: What does the Dalek spare? A: sympathy; Q: What does the Dalek gain from Rose's DNA? A: the TARDIS; Q: What does Adam board to avoid the closure of van Statten's Vault? Summary: The TARDIS is drawn off course by a signal and Rose and the Doctor end up near Salt Lake City, Utah in 2012, in an underground bunker owned by Henry van Statten , a rich collector of alien artefacts. The Doctor encounters his one living exhibit, which the Doctor is horrified to discover is a Dalek that survived the Time War ; the Dalek is the last survivor of a race of genetically manipulated mutants bound on purging the universe of all non-Dalek life , and the Doctor's greatest enemy. One of van Statten's employees, Adam Mitchell , leads Rose to the Dalek, but she takes pity on it and touches it, allowing it to absorb her DNA and become active. The Dalek kills many soldiers before catching up with Rose, Adam and the Doctor. Rose becomes trapped with the Dalek, but it spares her life as it has gained sympathy from Rose's DNA and destroys itself. As the Doctor and Rose leave, Adam boards the TARDIS to avoid the closure of van Statten's Vault.

PROLOGUE Daphne: [v.o.] Previously on Frasier... This episode is the second in a two-parter (the first being "Sleeping With The Enemy," and begins with a montage of four clips from the previous episode: - Roz telling Frasier that Kate has cancelled the KACL staffers' annual pay raise; - Frasier and Kate arguing and then kissing; - Martin suggesting to Frasier that Kate may have been trying to manipulate him; - Finally, Frasier and Kate negotiating and then kissing, again. [SCENE_BREAK] ACT ONE Scene One - Cafe Nervosa Niles has just been served his coffee. He is walking away from the bar when he sees Frasier entering. Niles: Frasier! Frasier: Damn, I didn't think you'd be here... He takes off his coat and puts it on the coat-hanger. Niles: Well, I would've gone to my regular haunt, but "The Pig 'N Swig" is closed for remodelling. He sits down at a free table with his back to the doorway, and is joined by Frasier, who settles opposite him. Frasier: I'm sorry, Niles, it's just... I'm meeting Kate here. We want to discuss the little dilemma in which we find ourselves. Niles, nonchalant, sets about pouring some sugar into his coffee. Niles: If you're talking about the little kiss you two shared, that hardly constitutes a dilemma. It's not as if you plunged into a tawdry office affair. Frasier: No. Niles: Then you'd have a real problem. Frasier: Yes. Niles: A kiss? It's nothing. Frasier: [looking somewhat uncomfortable] Right. Niles: Had s*x with her, didn't you? He sips his coffee, giving Frasier a sharp look. Frasier: I didn't mean to! It just... happened! One minute we were negotiating, the next minute our inhibitions were shattered, along with my kneecap and her Macintosh PowerBook. Niles: [surprised] This happened in her office? Frasier: Yes. Niles: What are you saying? Her couch folds out? Frasier: We used her desk. Niles: Her desk folds out?! Frasier sees Kate entering. Frasier: [to Niles, anxious] There she is! Look, look, just make an excuse and go, okay? [stands up] Niles: Alright, okay. [to Kate] Ah, Miss Costas. [stands up] Kate: Dr. Crane. Niles: [glances at his watch] Oh, look at the time! I, er, have a session with my multiple personality. Frasier: Ah. Niles: Well, not to worry. If I'm late he can just talk amongst himself. [laughs] Frasier motions at him to get out. Niles leaves. Kate: So... good morning. Frasier: Good morning. They sit down; Kate takes Niles's place. Kate: How's your knee? Frasier: Ah. Well er, it's better, thanks. Frasier: And... and your laptop? [off her confused look] I refer to your computer. Kate: A little dented, but fine. [smiles] The computer. Frasier: Ah. Anyway, what I wanted to tell you was that, well, last night was one of the greatest nights of lovemaking I've had since... Roz! Kate: Tell me she just walked in. Roz walks in. Roz: Well, hi! Guess you guys kissed and made up, huh? Frasier: [laughs] Well, in a manner of speaking, yes. We were just discussing the step system in a new healthcare plans co- payment scheme and... well, it wouldn't interest you. Roz: Oh, the hell it wouldn't! [sits at their table] You know they're too cheap to pay for a butt-lift? I sit on this thing all day long, that's work-related! Kate stands up. So does Frasier. Kate: Listen, I really have to go, but I would like to discuss this matter at the first possible opportunity. Frasier: So would I. Kate: [turns to leave, but stops] Oh, oh, oh, oh, I almost forgot. I need you two to fill in the eight-to-ten slot tonight. Floyd, the Happy Chef, is in rehab again. Frasier: Ah. [N.B. In other episodes, the Happy Chef's name has been given as Leo.] Kate leaves. Roz: [fed up] Oh, great! I was supposed to have dinner with a successful, handsome doctor! [Frasier sits down again] She thinks we're all as happy to work all night as she is. Frasier: Mmm. Roz: Well, you're a psychiatrist, Frasier. She's a cold, repressed workaholic who has no s*x life whatsoever. Can't you help her? Frasier: [deadpan] I've tried, Roz. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Frasier's apartment. Martin is in The Armchair reading a newspaper; Daphne is at the dining table doing some ironing; Eddie is sitting on one of the chairs at the dining table. Frasier enters. Frasier: [annoyed] Why do we bother having a service elevator? I just rode up nineteen floors with two sweaty moving men munching on chili-dogs which they proceeded to drip onto my suede shoes. [looks down and points] How will I ever get that stain out? Eddie jumps off his chair, runs over to Frasier, and licks the chili off helpfully. Frasier: Ah, yes. Dog saliva! Nature's miracle solvent. [hangs up his coat] So who's moving out anyway? Daphne: Deirdre Sauvage, the one who writes the romance novels. Martin: Yeah, the lost Gabor sister's finally outta here. Daphne: Well, she's a very sweet person and I'm going to miss her. Martin: Well, you're not the one she's always undressing with her eyes. She lured me into her apartment one time, supposedly to fix a lamp. Next thing I know, I got a drink in my hand and she's reading me a dirty poem about meadow walks. Frasier: Well, I must admit she's never done that to me. Martin: Yeah well, if she does, don't fake a charley horse to get outta there. She'll just try to rub it! Daphne: Speaking of romance, Dr. Crane... when I washed your shirt this morning, I couldn't help noticing lipstick in the oddest places. I'll take it negotiations went well last night...? Frasier: I'd rather not discuss it, thank you. Martin: Why, is there a problem? Frasier sits down on the couch. Frasier: Things between me and Kate just went a little faster than I intended. Daphne: I'll say! There were also four buttons missing, and teeth- marks in the shoulders! Frasier: Thank you, Inspector Moon! Things got a little out of hand. I think we should slow down a bit but er, I'm afraid to tell her for fear of hurting her feelings. Daphne, how about a woman's perspective? Let's just say, for argument's sake, that you and I succumbed to a, a night of passion... Daphne: What, you and me? [laughs] Frasier: Yes... Daphne: What - bosoms heaving, shirt buttons catapulting through the air? Frasier: It's a hypothetical question! Daphne: I'll say it is! [laughs again] Frasier: Oh, alright, somebody else! Alright? So, you have a, a mad tryst with this young man, and then the next day he says that he thinks things are going too fast; he'd like to slow down. What would you say? Daphne: I suppose I'd say, "Thanks for being honest. You're probably right, we were moving too fast." [suddenly bitter] "Not that it was too fast for you last night. Ohh, no, we were right on schedule then, weren't we?" [seemingly in her own world] "But, now you've had your fun - though not too much, apparently - and you want to be my friend. Well you can just sod off, Trevor Mulgrew!!!" She notices that Frasier and Martin are staring at her. Daphne: [shaky] You know, I think I might have some buttons for this shirt... She hurries off to her room. Frasier: You see, dad - the whole thing's a minefield. Martin: Ah, you'll never learn, will you? Handling a woman's easy! The doorbell rings. Frasier goes to get it. Martin: You know, you kill me. Mister Psychiatrist, you've always gotta make everything so complicated. A woman comes on too strong, you just tell her to cool her engines! It's the easiest thing in the world. Frasier: [opens the door] Oh, Deirdre! As soon as he hears this, Martin leaps out of The Armchair and heads for his room, terrified. Frasier: I understand you're leaving us. Deirdre: [British accent] Alas, yes! Frasier: Oh, do come in! Deirdre: Thank you. She enters. Deirdre is a not-greatly-attractive, middle-aged woman in blue attire. [N.B. "Deirdre Sauvage" is the name of a romance novelist character in one of Joe Keenan's early novels, "Blue Heaven."] Martin is almost out of the room when Deirdre sees him. Naturally, he has to give up - and disguise - his escape attempt. Deirdre: [excited] Ohhh hello, Martin! Martin forces a smile and hobbles over to her. Deirdre: You've been so kind to me - I wanted to give you my new address. She gives him a piece of paper, which he accepts with much-feigned enthusiasm. Martin: Oh, great! I'd hate to lose touch! Deirdre: I also wanted to bring you a farewell gift: my latest novel, "Foolish Escapade." It's the long-awaited sequel to "The Rose and the Rapier." She gives him a paperback book, which he accepts in the same manner as before. Martin: Swell! Deirdre: [starts to stroke Martin's arm, flirtatiously] I was er, thinking of you when I created the character of Lorenzo, the lovesick gondolier... Martin: [laughs] How 'bout that? Hah! Hey, where are my manners? Let me show you out! He takes her arm and tries to lead her towards the doorway, but she stays put. Deirdre: Oh, by the way, the lock on my suitcase is jammed. I was er, hoping that you'd come and... [strokes Martin's face, very flirtatiously] tinker with it? Martin leads her into the doorway again, this time successfully. Martin: Oh gee, you know, I'd love to, Deirdre. But I, I promised Frasier I'd do something with him tonight. Having deposited her in the hallway, he turns back into the apartment... Frasier: Oh oh, dad, didn't I mention it? I'm filling in for The Happy Chef tonight... Martin, his back to Deirdre, furiously mouths, "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" Frasier: ...so, you're all hers! Deirdre: [thrilled] Oh, marvelous! She grabs him by the arm and drags him out. Martin has enough time to give Frasier a look that combines rage and terror. Frasier: Goodnight, Lorenzo. He closes the door. [SCENE_BREAK] THE ADVENTURES OF BAD BOY AND DIRTY GIRL Scene Three - KACL. Frasier is in the studio. Roz, who is dressed for a night out, is in her booth, busy putting on make-up. Frasier: Hello, Polly. How can I help you? Polly: [v.o.] Oh, I'm so glad I got through! I'm sitting here not knowing what to do. I find myself lacking a certain spice. Frasier: Well Polly, if you want to shake up your routine, why don't you er, try something new and dangerous? Er, skydiving, belly-dancing, perhaps? That ought to add some spice. Polly: What are you talking about?! I'm making an apple tart and I'm out of cinnamon! Frasier: I see. [disconnects her] Listeners, for the fourth time this hour, I am NOT The Happy Chef. I am The Irritated Psychiatrist, Dr. Frasier Crane! We'll be right back after the news. Roz grimaces as Frasier gets up and enters her booth. Obviously, she has been less than attentive to her call-screening duties. Frasier: And while we're on the subject of tarts... Roz: I'm really sorry about that call. Frasier: No, it's alright, Roz. Why don't you just run along for your date? I can handle the last ten minutes here. Roz: Are you sure? Frasier: Sure! Roz, visibly eager to leave, grabs her handbag and stands up. Roz: I mean, I feel terrible leaving you here alone in the lurch. [whisks her coat off the back of her chair and rushes to the door] We are a team, Frasier; you just say the word and I'll stay... [shouts] Hey, hold that elevator! She leaves hurriedly. Frasier shuts the side door. Kate enters the studio. Kate: Got a minute? Frasier: Oh, yes. Er, look, I, I'm glad you're still here. [closes the door to the booth] Er, listen... Kate: No-no-no, me first this time. Frasier: Okay. Kate: [clears throat] I really think that we should slow things down. Frasier: [relieved] Oh, I am so glad you said that! I wanted to say the same thing but I was, I was afraid that you'd feel I was rejecting you! Kate: Oh, how sensitive. And yet, at the same time, how full of yourself. Frasier: [amused] You are one tough nut, lady. Kate: [relaxed] Well, all this definitely shows we're doing the right thing. Frasier: Agreed. Frankly, now that we've got that settled, do you mind if I ask you a question about last night? Kate: Yeah. Frasier: What the hell was that?! Kate: I have no idea! I... ever since I've gotten here, you have done nothing but irritate me like a persistent skin rash. Frasier: Yes, and you me! And, and, and last night was no different. You just kept talking and talking and talking, and I guess that mouth of yours just ticked me off so much I just had to have it! Kate: The whole thing... it's just, it's so primitive! Frasier: Yeah, yeah, animal! We were just functioning on instinct. Kate: It's fascinating, really. Frasier: Oh, oh, let's not dismiss the element of danger - all those people outside that could have walked in any moment and caught us. Kate: That crossed my mind... Frasier: For once, in my cautious, buttoned-down life, I felt like a real bad boy. Kate: [sheepish] I felt like a...dirty girl. Frasier: [intrigued] What did you just call yourself? Kate: [unashamed] I said "dirty girl." A mischievous look appears on her face. Kate: [flirtatious] You bad boy. [grins excitedly] Frasier: [aroused and mock-disapproving] You dirty girl. Kate: [sexily] You bad boy! Frasier: Dirty girl! Kate: [whispers] Bad boy...!! Frasier: [excited] Dirty girl...!! They kiss, violently. Cut to outside the studio, looking in through the window; we see Frasier and Kate anxiously stagger to the window and close the blinds. Cut back to inside. Still holding each other, they bump up against the studio console and lie on top of it, snogging rabidly. Kate: [urgent] How much time do we have left on the news? Frasier: Three minutes. [kisses her] Kate: Right... [kisses him] Frasier: But that's alright, I can play lots of extra commercials! [kisses her] Kate: Oh good, [kisses him] good! CUT TO: Frasier's apartment. Martin and Daphne are sitting at the dining table, playing dominoes; Eddie is on a chair near them. The radio is on and tuned to KACL. Newscast: [on radio:] In local news, Congressman Robert Gill was accused of accepting bribes from a waste treatment facility. Asked to comment, the congressman said- Frasier: [cuts in suddenly; orgasmic] Yes! YES!!! I am a bad boy, aren't I, you dirty girl! Come to your bad boy! Martin and Daphne freeze and look toward the radio in shock; Eddie does the same. CUT TO: Niles listening to this in his car, agape. We view this through a camera on the car's bonnet, looking through the windscreen. Frasier: [on radio:] Oh, yes... Oh, no! Is that the on-air light? Kate: [on radio, whispering:] Stop talking. Frasier: You must have hit the switch with your elbow while we were... Kate: [more urgent] Stop talking! Frasier: We'd better hurry up and get dressed while we still... Niles: [stares at the radio] Stop talking! Niles returns his attention to the road, but he has been looking away for too long. He brakes hard, but crashes into the car in front. The airbag inflates, trapping him in his seat; he struggles weakly behind it. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO DIRTY GIRL, SIGN IN PLEASE Scene One - KACL The next day, before show time. There are several newspapers on the console. Frasier enters, and sees Roz waiting for him with one of them in her hand. Roz: [triumphant] Okay, Fabio, I want two things. One: you will never make another crack about my s*x life. I don't care if I start dating a lumber camp. Frasier: Done. Roz: And two: who's Dirty Girl? [smiles] Frasier: I can't tell you that. Roz: Oh, come on, Frasier! I swear, I won't tell a soul! The phone on the console rings. Roz answers it. Roz: Yes? [turns away from Frasier, lowers voice:] Not yet, I'll call you back. She puts the phone down and gets a distrustful glare from Frasier. Bulldog enters. Bulldog: Doc, I got one thing to say to you... Frasier: Go ahead, take your best shot. Bulldog: [in genuine admiration] I am so proud of you, man. He hugs Frasier, who is very unmoved. Frasier: Well, doesn't that just put the cherry on the parfait. Bulldog: Now come on, you gotta tell me - who's the mystery chick? Frasier: Bulldog, haven't you already seen? [points to the newspapers] I've told half a dozen reporters that I'm not going to name names. Roz: [holds up a newspaper] Yeah, don't you see this right here? "'I Won't Fink,' Says Kinky Shrink." Roz and Bulldog laugh; Frasier looks fed up. Then, a rather uncomfortable-looking Kate creeps into the studio. Kate: Good afternoon, Dr Crane. Frasier: Miss Costas. Bulldog: Hey, hey, you're the boss - make him tell who his playmate was. Kate: Bulldog, this is really none of your business. Bulldog: Oh, but we got a pool going. So far, hot money's on Roz. Roz: What?! Oh, well, thank you, but I think I have a little more self-respect than to have a quickie with a co-worker on the air! What kind of slut do they think I am? Kate: [extremely uncomfortable] Dr. Crane, could I have a word with you in private? Frasier: Er, I-I'd love that, but I, I've got my show in two minutes. Kate: Actually you don't. Frasier: What? Kate: I'm suspending you for a week. [to Bulldog] Bulldog, you're going on. [to Roz] Roz, you'll have to produce. Bulldog: Alright! He enthusiastically slaps Roz on the butt; she viciously hits him in the stomach with her clipboard. Frasier: I must say, I find that a, a bit harsh, all things considered. Kate: Yes, I can see how you might feel that way. But the station does have certain standards and it is my job to enforce them. Now if you will excuse me, I have to meet with one of last night's sponsors - The Wholesome Family Cookie Company. She leaves. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Frasier's apartment. Frasier enters. It is pitch dark, so he presses the light switch. The lights go up and we see Martin, who had been reading a newspaper with the aid of a pen torch, sink into The Armchair in alarm. Martin: Hey! Turn those lights out! Frasier does so and closes the door. Martin relaxes. Frasier: Why? Martin: Deirdre hasn't finished moving yet. If she sees the light in here, she'll know I'm home! You can see your living room from her bedroom. Frasier: Her bedroom...? Martin: She had me cornered in there yesterday. I don't mind telling you, I haven't been that scared since Korea. Frasier turns the lights back on and Martin sinks into The Armchair again. Frasier goes to the coat-hanger. Frasier: Don't worry, dad. Look, I have no intention of letting anyone in here tonight. There's a damn tabloid news crew down in the lobby. I had to go in the back way and use the service elevator. [hangs up his coat] Martin: Say, I tuned in to your show tonight. Why weren't you on it? Frasier: [sulky] If you must know, I've been suspended for a week. Martin: Oh, no. Frasier: [depressed] I spent the last three hours at the observation deck of the Space Needle, looking down on a city that's looking down on me. He sits on the couch and cradles his face in his hands. Daphne enters from her room. Daphne: Hello, Dr Crane. Frasier: Daphne. The doorbell rings. Frasier: I'm not here. Daphne: Yes. Your father's not here either. It's so nice having the whole house to myself. She opens the door to Niles. Niles: Daphne. Daphne: Oh, how lovely. Now the whole family's not here. She closes the door and goes to sit on the couch armrest, next to Frasier. Niles walks over to the couch. Niles: I listened to your programme as I was driving home last night. [holds up two pieces of paper] Here's a bill to replace the front wheel of my Mercedes, and the second to replace the back bumper of some wretched little domestic car. He gives the bills to Frasier, who snatches them off him, annoyed. Martin: Go easy on your brother, Niles - he's had a rough day. Niles: You're right, dad. [sits on the couch; sympathetic] Er, Frasier, please accept my apologies. I, I can imagine how trying this must have been for you. Frasier: Thanks, Niles. Niles: [unsympathetic again] 'Course, it's been no picnic for those of us who share your name. My Maris took it particularly hard. When I left this morning, she was ordering new stationery with an accent aigu over the "e" in our name. Hereafter, her memos will read, "From the desk of Maris Crané." [pronounces it, "Crah-nay."] The doorbell rings. Daphne goes to the door and looks through the peep-hole. Daphne: Who is it? Kate: [outside] Kate Costas. Everyone in the room panics momentarily. Frasier: Wait, wait! Alright, all of you. You know nothing about last night! Daphne opens the door. Niles and Martin stand up. Daphne: Hello! Kate: Hello. Daphne: Come in! A subdued-looking Kate enters. Frasier makes some rapid and slightly awkward introductions. Frasier: Hello, Kate. [gestures at Niles] Er, you know Niles, of course. [gestures at Martin] Er, this is my... Kate: [to Martin] Hello. Frasier: ...father, Martin... Martin: Hi! Frasier: ...and er, [points at Daphne] his healthcare worker. Daphne, Kate Costas. Daphne: Nice to meet you. Kate: I'm sorry if I'm coming at a bad time. Martin: Oh no, no, I, I - we were just taking Eddie for a walk. [heads towards the door] Daphne: Yeah. [calls to Eddie] Eddie! Niles: I have to be running along too. Eddie runs up to Daphne. Niles and Martin join her near the doorway; Martin opens the door. Daphne: [to Eddie] Oh, what's that on your chin? Have you been in the garbage again? [turns to leave] You Bad Boy! Everyone freezes, except for bad boy Eddie, who scampers out. Kate is mortified. After a few moments of very awkward silence, Daphne, Martin and Niles leave hastily, shutting the door behind them. Kate: So... nice place. [goes towards the balcony] Whoa, what a view! Frasier: [bitter] Yes. I'll be enjoying it during my suspension. Kate: Well... I guess that concludes the small-talk portion of our evening. Look, it must be obvious; I've come here to apologise. Frasier: Oh, really - for what? Turning on me when I went out of my way to protect you? You know we're both responsible for this. Yet I end up looking like an idiot and you look like a no- nonsense boss! Kate: Alright, alright, just tell me what I can do to make this right. Frasier: [sulky] Nothing! There is nothing you can do, there is nothing you can say, to make this up to me. Kate: [no-nonsense] The owners wanted you fired. Frasier: [beat] That's pretty good! Frasier feels an odd mixture of shocked relief and embarrassed gratitude. Kate: Look, there's no way we can rewrite the past. It happened, we did it, it's on tape. But we can do this: we can prevent it from ever happening again. Frasier: Agreed. Obviously, there's some kind of incredible attraction between us. The trick will be simply to avoid the opportunity. We're strong, we're intelligent... and we're alone in this apartment. They contemplate this for a moment. Kate: [anxious] I'll get my bag! Frasier: Yes... RESET TO: the corridor outside Frasier's apartment. Kate emerges and is about to press the button for the elevator when Frasier, following, stops her. Frasier: Oh Kate, Kate, er, that news crew's probably still in the lobby. Kate: Oh, right! Frasier: Let me walk you to the service elevator and see you out. He shuts the door of his apartment and they leave down a corridor. CUT TO: outside the service elevator. The doors are open; inside, items of furniture and assorted junk are stacked around the walls. A moving-man is just leaving. Kate and Frasier enter and walk in. Kate: [to the moving-man] Going down? Man: No, you guys go ahead. Just send it back up! The moving-man leaves. Kate presses a button and the doors close. CUT TO: inside the elevator as it begins to descend. Frasier: Yes... well, I'm sure if we really try, we can keep things on a professional footing. Kate: We're two mature adults. Frasier: Just have to avoid all undue temptation. Suddenly, the elevator shudders to a halt and the lights go out, leaving Frasier and Kate in darkness and silence. Frasier: What's going on? Kate: I don't know. [calls out] Hello? Frasier: You know, let's have a little light. He flicks open his lighter and, by its tiny flame, begins to look around inside the elevator. Kate: [calls out] Hello? Hello? Can anybody hear me? The moving-man, from somewhere up above, calls down the elevator shaft. Man: Hello? Kate: Yeah! What's going on? Frasier, having seen some candles in a corner, begins to light them; gradually, the elevator is illuminated. Man: Looks like you're stuck. Same thing happened this morning. Took about half an hour to fix. You two guys gonna be okay? Kate: Yeah, yeah, we're fine. We're adults. [a little nervous] We're mature adults! She glances around herself anxiously. Frasier, having fired up three candles, burns his hand lighting a fourth. Frasier: Ow! Nursing his hand, he stumbles against a large object propped up against the back of the elevator, causing it to fall forward and lie flat in the middle of the floorspace. It turns out to be a large mattress-bed - big enough to accommodate two. They eye it uneasily. Frasier: It's getting sort of hot in here, isn't it? Kate: [nervous] Yeah. It's a bit - it's a bit hot. Frasier: You don't mind if I take off my jacket, do you? Kate: [steadfast] Makes no difference to me. Frasier takes off his jacket and drops it onto the mattress; he also loosens his tie. Frasier: Well. Looks like we're gonna be here for a little while - may as well try to make ourselves comfortable. Their eyes stray towards the mattress... Frasier: Maybe there are some chairs in here. They both start looking through the stuff piled up against the sides of the elevator - Frasier on the left-hand side, and Kate on the right. Frasier sees something next to a dressing-table. Frasier: Ah, here we are! I'll just have to move this down along... He pushes the dressing-table, and from somewhere inside it, a music box begins to play - redolent of bedrooms and romance. They freeze when they hear it. Kate: What's that? Frasier: I must have knocked open a music box in here somewhere. He opens the dresser. Inside, he finds fluffy women's panties and an array of high-heeled shoes. Kate: [irritable] I'm not really in the mood for music. Could you stop that, please? Frasier: Yes, yes, I'll try. He starts to dig into the panties. Kate: God, it's hot in here! As she takes off her jacket, Frasier pulls some frilly clothes out of the dresser. There is the sound of glass breaking against the floor. Kate: What's that smell? Frasier searches the floor. Frasier: I seem to have broken a bottle of something... [realizes, gazes at her, worried] Musk oil...! Kate is becoming increasingly tense. Frasier returns to searching the dresser for the source of the music, pulling open the drawers. Frasier: [desperate] Oh, oh, where is that damn music box? [rifles through another drawer] Here it is! [picks it up and turns it off] Kate: I really think that it would be a very good thing if you just did something about that musk oil... Frasier closes the drawers. Frasier: Ah, yes, alright, er, how about... Oh, I know, hand me that drop-cloth there and maybe I can just smother it. He points at what looks like a dusty, mouldy old piece of curtain hanging behind Kate. She takes it off of the wall, revealing a large poster of the cover of a romance novel, featuring a muscular, semi-naked hero embracing a voluptuous, semi-naked heroine; above the lovers, a lurid title reads, "Surrender to Bliss," and below them is the name Deirdre Sauvage. Frasier and Kate, upon seeing it, avert their eyes. Kate: [very tense] Who lives in this building?! Frasier: You know er, I think we can just forego the musk oil right now. Why don't you just cover, cover that back up. Kate dumps the dropcloth onto the mattress and brushes herself off. Kate: No no no no no, not gonna touch this thing again. [brushes herself off] Look at me, I'm all dirty. Kate freezes and stares at Frasier, who is himself visibly bursting with desire. Then, finally surrendering to bliss, they dive onto the mattress and grab each other - but, at the last moment, somehow manage to hold back from the usual kissing. Kate: Ooh, stop - stop - stop! Frasier: You're right! Still holding onto each other, they take a few relieved breaths. Frasier: We have gazed into the gaping maw of temptation, and survived! They separate and sit on the mattress, side-by-side. Frasier: My God, I'm, I'm, I'm proud of us! [laughs] Kate: [laughs] I am, too! God! Frasier: [relaxed] Ah... Kate looks upwards. Kate: Of course, the cable could break. Frasier: [tense again] And we'd be kicking ourselves all the way down... Kate: You are so right! They kiss, and just like the previous two times, Frasier ends up lying on top of Kate. Suddenly, the lights come back on and the elevator begins to descend again. They hurriedly get up and set about returning the furniture, mattress, clothes, candles, etc., to their original conditions and places. CUT TO: outside the elevator on the ground floor, several seconds later. A moving-man is waiting. The doors open. Everything looks as it did when they first got on, including Frasier's and Kate's attire. They stand chastely side-by-side, two feet apart. Kate: [with businesslike impersonality] Goodnight, Dr Crane. Frasier: [same] Miss Costas. Kate leaves. The moving-man enters and presses a button. As the elevator doors close, we see Frasier roll his eyes in relief. END OF ACT TWO [SCENE_BREAK] The corridor outside Frasier's apartment. Martin emerges with Eddie on a leash. He looks around carefully, presses the elevator button, and waits close to the elevator doors, nervously keeping his back to them. He continues to scan the corridor and presses the button again with impatience. The elevator doors open and, as he backs into the lift, we see that a very excited Deirdre is there; Martin does not notice her until it is too late to escape.

Plan: A: Kate; Q: Who comes to Frasier's apartment to apologize? A: "dirty girl; Q: What does Frasier call Kate? A: Seattle; Q: Where was the broadcast heard? A: Niles; Q: Who crashes his car after hearing the broadcast? A: a week; Q: How long was Frasier suspended for? A: a service lift; Q: What kind of lift were they trapped in? A: Their passion; Q: What reignites in the elevator? A: the removal man; Q: Who gets into the service elevator? A: the service elevator; Q: What kind of elevator were Frasier and Kate trapped in? Summary: Frasier and Kate have a moment of passion in the studio, in which they accidentally press the "on-air" button and broadcast their descriptions of each other as "bad boy" and "dirty girl" to Seattle. Martin and Daphne are shocked to hear the on-air romance, while Niles crashes his car after hearing the broadcast. Frasier is suspended for a week after the broadcast. Kate comes round to his apartment later to apologize, but they both end up being trapped in a service lift with a bed, a music box and some musk oil. Their passion reignites but stops when the elevator restarts and the removal man gets into the service elevator.

CRU Campus Ashleigh : Welcome to the majestic and historic Cyprus-Rhodes University. To our right you'll notice Dressel Hall, which was named for Daniel Dressel, the scientist celebrated for inventing... For inventing... Casey : I can't stand the suspense. Ashleigh : Our campus is huge! And historical. It sucks. I have two days to memorize this entire book before my first tour. An entire book! Casey : Just relax. And think about how, one day soon, you'll be able to... shop again. Ashleigh : If I'll still remember how. I know this building. Coming up on our left is the Cutler Planetarium, the site of Casey Cartwright's first kiss with Max, Somebody, the celebrated polymer science major. Casey : Our first date's tonight. I'm nervous. I haven't dated somebody so... Ashleigh : Tragic? Tragic is hot. Russell Crowe in "A Beautiful Mind" You can be all Jennifer Connelly and save him from the brink. Casey : We're keeping tonight low-key. No psychotic breaks, just dinner. Ashleigh : A Beautiful Meal. Casey : And maybe Dobler's after. Ashleigh : You really like him. You can't stop smiling. It's like your face is broken. Casey : I know. Max and I haven't even gone on an official date. But the other night was so cosmically incredible. Ashleigh : Like Cappie or Evan incredible? Casey : Kind of. Except with Evan it was all about the Greek system and with Cappie it was all about...well... pie. Max is smart. And soulful and wounded. He's swimming in the deep end of life while I've been in the kiddy pool. I think I'm ready to join him. After all, there's more to life than the Greek system and pie, right? Ashleigh : Pie! Gotcha. EXT. ZBZ HOUSE - A few minutes later... Ashleigh : And on our right you'll notice Frannie has parked in your presidential spot. Casey : Look who's back from the Vineyard. He never took me there. Jerk. Ashleigh : Someone peed in your kiddy pool. Casey : Oh, well. It's a beautiful day. We'll park down the street. You can practice walking backwards. Ashleigh : Have fun in the deep end, Case. You know I can't swim! KT HOUSE - Living room Ben Bennett : Horseshoes are a real backbreaker. He couldn't bear to have them cleaned here? You're welcome. Rusty : Wade, I have your rocks. Wade : Pack 'em how I like it. Ben Bennett : And what does he need with the fireworks, anyway? Fourth of July's four months away. Rusty : Real question is, why are we the only ones doing this crap? Beaver : Nachos! Thanks, Spitter. You're the breast. I mean, best. Ben Bennett : Good one, Beav. Rusty : I know Pickle screens his calls o avoid chores. He only answers if I call from an unknown number. Ben Bennett : And Gonzo, that guy's lazier than Paris Hilton's left eye. I haven't seen him at the house. Rusty : If I pick up their slack one more time I'm gonna go postal on their asses. Beaver : Spitter ! What are you trying to do to me here? That's cilantro on my'chos. Rusty : Are you allergic or something? Beaver : I don't like vegetables. Rusty : Cilantro's an herb. Beaver : Which doesn't belong on nachos. Go get new ones. Quickly. Sans herbs. Ben Bennett : You know, I say before tonight's pledge meeting, give everybody a kick in the ass. Kind of redistribute the load. Rusty : It's mail call. My pledge brothers are about to receive my package. Credits DOBLER'S Casey : So, this is Dobler's. Max : What was that? Casey : I guess it's pretty loud in here. What did you think of the restaurant? Max : It was good, it was good. I've never had Korean barbeque before. Casey : It really should be cheaper, since we cooked the food ourselves. Max : Never mind. Casey : Are you not having fun? Max : No. I was gonna say, it... I haven't been on a date since Sarah died. Didn't realize it would be weird. Sorry. Casey : It's fine, Max. Do you want to talk about her? Max : I don't know. A first date conversation about my dead girlfriend might be a little heavy. Casey : Heavy? I love heavy. Max : Ok. Hmm. She grew up in Illinois. Casey : Just like me. What was her major? Max : Philosophy. Casey : That's so interesting. Max : It's not like she wanted to be a philosopher. She always knew she wanted to help people. By studying how various cultures fundamentally differed in how they live then she'd be able to interact more efficiently with them. She wanted to join the Peace Corps and just travel the world doing whatever she could to make it a better place. She was kind of a Buddhist that way. Casey : Sure. That's great. Max : That felt pretty good. Casey : See? Not too heavy at all. Light. Max : If Sarah were here, she'd say, " Stop talking about me, talk to your date." Tell me, Casey, what's... What's on your mind? Casey : Well, actually, this girl, Frannie, she stole my parking spot at the house. She and I have this whole... You know what? Never mind. It's so not important. Should we get drinks or something? Are you thirsty? Because I am dying! I meant to say I'm dying of thirst. Max : Got it. I'll get us a couple of beers. CYPRUS RHODE RESTAURANT Michael : This is the nicest restaurant in town. Calvin : Evan's treating. He insisted. Michael : Really? Why? Calvin : We haven't talked since he sold his soul. Michael : I'm assuming they pay well. Calvin : Hi. Chambers? Couldn't we have had dinner someplace normal? Michael : Maybe for Evan this is normal. Evan : Hey. I was beginning to think you guys ditched us for a better offer. Calvin : Well, we were meeting Donatella in Barcelona for tapas, but she had a case of the vapors. Michael : It's my fault. I'm desperately trying to finish my dissertation. I just have to dot some I's and cross some T's and then I'm officially overeducated and underemployed. Frannie : Is it too early to toast to your accomplishment? Evan : It's never too early to toast. You want to do the honors? Michael : Oh. Ok. Sure. Calvin : So, Frannie, how was Martha's Vineyard? Frannie : Gorgeous. The house was indescribable and the staff were so warm and welcoming. Evan : So, Michael, after the dissertation? Michael : The job hunt begins. Just getting an interview for a professorship is impossible. Frannie : Well...It'll be tough.Who's tougher than you?Evan said the B-minus you gave him was the lowest grade he's ever gotten. Calvin : And O'Toole's failing your class for the third time. Michael : Tough's got nothing to do with actually getting the job. A lot of it's who you know. Waiter : Have you decided on a wine? Calvin : Just pick something reasonable. Evan : Michael, you, the French expert, what's the wine you'd order if money was no object? Michael : The'92 Montrachet. Waiter : Excellent choice, sir. Michael : I'm really excited about this wine. I first heard about it when I was in France my freshman year. It's supposed to be amazing. KT HOUSE - Living room Ben Bennett : Before Wade and Cappie join us for our weekly pledge meeting... Wait a second. Where's Gonzo? KT Guy 1 : He had a thing, or something. Ben Bennett : And this is my point. I feel a few of us pledges are being a tad lazy when it comes to our pledge duty. KT Guy 2 : Easy, champ, I don't think I like where this is going. Rusty : No, he's right. Today, for instance, we had to get lunch for Beaver, rocks for Wade, fireworks for Heath... KT Guy 3 : Judas. Rusty : Who said that? KT Guy 2 : What martyrs. I had to clean under Ferret's bed. Want to know what's on all those tissues? No, you don't. KT Guy 1 : I had to wash Jeremy's hair with scented oils on Tuesday. Smell my hands. Ben Bennett : We've all had to do that! KT Guy 3 : Judas! Rusty : Who keeps saying Judas? Cappie : Boys, Boys ?? What's all the racket down here? Pickle : Ben and Rusty are all like, "Hey, we do more pledge work than you do." Everybody else is like, "No way, man, we totally do more pledge work." Rusty : I had to mulch the entire front yard. KT Guy 2 : You're coming at us with mulch? Ben Bennett : We've all did that. Rusty : You look at me like... Cappie : Quiet! Rusty : I do this for fun. Cappie : We hear your concerns. Pledge responsibilities are taking their toll. You all work very hard and maybe it's time for us to celebrate that. Wade : Are you thinking Old Folks Home weekend, Cap? Cappie : I am, indeed, Wade. Ben Bennett : Wait. Philanthropy? Cappie : No, not philanthropy. Wade : Old Folks Home is a classic. Cappie : Classic. Wade : Every spring, usually about this time, the KT men lock themselves inside the house and engage in a 24 hour period of drinking... Cappie : Drinking. Wade : TV... Cappie : TV. Wade : Card playing... Cappie : Love cards. Wade : Fine meals. And other fratelicious fun. Rusty : Wouldn't it be better with girls? Cappie : I admire your libido, but while all other KT parties are about girls... Wade : Old Folks Home is about pledge/active bonding. Cappie : Bonding. Wade : And giving you all a sneak peek of what it will be like when you become actives and move in. Cappie : So, all you pre-actives, be here with your sleeping bag and party stamina tomorrow afternoon. Rusty : Campout. ZBZ House - Kitchen Casey : Who got dumped? Laura : Frannie bought a ton of marshmallows, chocolate and graham crackers. We're making s'mores in the oven. Mandi : Tell Casey your great idea. Casey : What great idea? Frannie : Well, I know how busy you are as the interim president, and how hard it must be to also function as the pledge educator. Here, let me. And I'm just afraid that you, or we, may be losing sight may be losing sight of one of ZB's most valuable resources, the pledges. Here. Let me. Rebecca : We smell chocolate! Frannie : Girls, have some please. Anyway, I thought I could do my sisterly duty and offer to relieve your responsibilities. After all, I served as the pledge educator before I was elected president. Laura : We think it makes sense. Mandi : You have sort of slacked off with the pledges this semester. Casey : Don't you think it would be hard on the pledges, to change leadership midstream like that? Rebecca : I'll survive. ZBZ Pledge : Couldn't care less. Frannie : And a good leader delegates. Casey : Thank you. I'd love for you to take the pledge educator reins. That'd be great. Frannie : Thanks, Case. We'll have so much fun. EXT. CRU Ashleigh : Built in 1927, the Katherine Anne Findley Memorial Library houses over 1.5 million volumes of books and is outfitted with nearly 50 miles of shelving. Doesn't that sound kind of braggy? Casey : No, it's fascinating. So, my first date with Max was a bit of a mess. His girlfriend wanted to right the wrongs of the world, the only injustice I could talk about was Frannie stealing my parking spot. Ashleigh : Plus, she's pledge educator now? Casey : I'm not gonna let that little stuff get to me. If some pledge class participation makes her happy, then who am I to deprive my mortal enemy of that small pleasure in life? I just want to focus on swimming in the deep end with Max. Ashleigh : As long as you're being yourself. Casey : You know better than that. You can't truly be yourself until date nine. It's like this tour. You lead with bragging before you reveal that every Saturday night some drunk couple has s*x in that fountain. Ashleigh : I'd rather know that stuff up front. So, when's your next date? Casey : Tonight. But I thought we'd do something more meaningful than Dobler's so I suggested that we go to the drama club's Shakespeare in the park. Ashleigh : How romantic. Casey : Let's hope so. Ashleigh : Wait. Where are we? Casey : This can't be good. KT HOUSE - Hallway Rusty : Pre-active. I do like the sound of that. Cappie : All right. Whippersnappers, time to get to work. Pickle, whip up some Jell-O salad. Woodchuck, take this cane and beat the filth out of the couch cushions. Wade : Pickle, you're on keg pumping duty. Pickle : Wait, guys. Do I make the Jell-O salad before I work the keg? Wade : This is a torch. Find Jeremy for further instructions. Pickle : After the keg? During? Cappie : Pickle, figure it out. Arrowhead, take these kneepads and go see Beaver. Disperse! Rusty : I thought we were getting a preview of living in the house like an active. Cappie : So it is. Over the next 24 hours you and your pledge brothers will watch us be actives, so you know what you have to look forward to when you're made active. You're still pledges and pledges need to know their place. As my very own big brother, Egyptian Joe, said to me at our Old Folks Home event, "If you want to live in a democracy, don't buy store-bought Rice Krispie treats." Rusty : What the hell does that mean? Cappie : I was a pledge. It wasn't my place to ask. These are for you. KT HOUSE - A few minutes later... Beaver : Human remote, find blood sport on TV. I want to see dudes fight. Rusty : Beav, I've been through every channel four times already. It's not on. Do you have to use the megaphone? Wade : Hey, watch your Van Damme mouth, human remote. Now change the channel! Leave it on the Spanish channel for now! I've got an idea. Beaver : Chesty Spanish beauties. OK. Cappie : Human remote, how you holding up? Rusty : I'm exhausted. And my eyes are killing me from standing so close to the television. Cappie : That's the spirit. Hey, could you make me a Chicago-style hot dog? Listen, Spitter, I know you're tired. I know you're worn down. But there's one thing that you shouldn't forget. The celery salt on the Chicago hot dog. That's what makes it delicious. Pickle, mush. Beaver : Spitty, can you bring back a couple of dogs for me and Waderito? Spitty? Two. Rusty : Hey, Ben, can you help me with the hot dogs? Ben Bennett : It's hot dogs, Cartwright. I've got a delicate crème brulée situation here. Not burning myself and the plastic is damn near impossible. Rusty : No, Ben, come help me with the hot dogs! Ben Bennett : Hot dogs. Right. Got it. Cappie : God, enough. I'm taking it. EXT. CRU Calvin : Last night didn't bother you at all? Michael : I thought the escargot were a little chewy. Is that what you mean? Calvin : The French food, fancy wine. I didn't even know Evan liked that kind of stuff. How much was that wine, anyway? Michael : Four hundred a bottle. Calvin : You guys drank three bottles. Michael : I don't even have a hangover. It was like, magic wine. Calvin : Yeah, for 1,200 bucks, it should drive you home and tuck you into bed. I don't care if you have Oprah money, that's crazy. Michael : Look, if you're concerned about Evan, don't judge him. Just be there for him if or when he needs a friend. Calvin : Can I judge Frannie? Michael : If it makes you feel better. Cal, to a person like Evan, 1,200 bucks is like me taking you to the movies. I just wish I was the one who could lavish you with expensive dinners. Calvin : I don't mind that you're poor. I just prefer you to not use the word "lavish" again. It's weird. Michael : Judging. Calvin : Sorry. EXT. ZBZ HOUSE Casey : Oh, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late! Frannie : You leaving, Case? Casey : This is my spot, Frannie. Frannie : I need to unload some stuff for tonight. Casey : What's tonight? Frannie : A lock-in with the pledges. Casey : Oh, I didn't know about that. Frannie : Why would you need to? Presidential approval isn't required for a lock-in. Casey : Yeah, true. What's all the stuff? Frannie : Oh, nothing. Arts and crafts, gift bags. Casey : What kind of gift bags? Frannie : Oh, picture frames, t- shirts, little pads. I'm kind of running late, Casey, so if you're going... Casey : I'm not leaving. I mean, I'm leaving to go on a date, but my car's staying here. In my spot. I was just getting a CD out of my car. Frannie : Then why were you pulling out? Casey : The stereo only ejects Cds if the car's in reverse. It's better for the environment that way, I guess. It's a hybrid. Regardless, the car is staying here. Not me. See? I got it. KT HOUSE - Living room Wade : Hajume! That means, begin. All : Yeah. Woodchuck : I don't want to fight you, Rusty. I wanted to yesterday when you were being such a pain in the ass about pledge duties, but not like this, not for them. Rusty : It'll all be fine, all right? Just give Ben Bennett enough time to get the... Hey, Cap. Cappie : Rub this grease all over your body. It'll make it impossible for Woodchuck to get you in a choke hold. Where's Ben Bennett? He needs to grease up too. I got five big ones on him against Stork. Rusty : Cap! I cannot fight Woodchuck. He's too much man. It's scary. Cappie : Dude, the grease will work. Ben Bennett : Fire! Everybody out! We gotta go! Cappie : Fire? Quick, go! Everybody, quick! Go! Go, go, go! Oh, man, that was close. Thank god we had the fire alarms. Beaver : The pledges! Cappie : Wait, we don't have fire alarms. Beaver : They're locked inside. They'll be burned alive! Drop and roll! Cappie : Beav, there's no fire. Seems we've fallen victim to a pledge prank. All that alcohol might've impaired our judgment. I've read it can do that Beaver : They just mooned us. Cappie : Except for Rusty. He just showed his underpants. A pledge insurgency. I didn't think they had it in them. Beaver : What do we do now, Cap? Cappie : Well, now... we get back inside that house. SHOW - Casey & Max's date Actress : To think that Caesar bears such rebel blood that will be thaw'd from the true quality... with that which melteth fools. So in the world,'tis furnish'd well with men, and men are flesh and blood... Max : Casey ? You're late. And wet. Casey : I'm so sorry. I walked. Max : So, you're... sweaty? Casey : Huh? Oh, no. I cut through the dean's estate right as his sprinklers turned on. I wanted to call, but my phone got water on it. It's broken. Max : Let me see it. Maybe it's not broken-broken. If you need to make a call, check with Brutus. He's wearing a Bluetooth headset for some reason. Actor 1 : Great Caesar! Actress : Doth not, Brutus, bootless kneel? Actor 2 : Speak, hands, for me! Casey : And Caesar is a blonde chick? Sorry, Max, this isn't really the evening I had planned. Max : It's OK. I'm glad you're here now. Actress : Et tu, Brute? Casey : That bitch. Max : Caesar? I don't think it was her fault. Casey : Max, I really have to go. Max : Is everything OK? Casey : Yeah, I just... I have to go. Hopefully, I'll get a chance to explain it all to you on our ninth date. I'll call you. Max : OK, bye. KT HOUSE - Hallway Rusty : Make sure the basement windows are locked. We've got to barricade these doors! Arrowhead : Upstairs windows secure. Just in time. Hedgehog was shimmying up the gutter pipe. He's a little bit ninja. Beaver : Let us in! Rusty : Ben Bennett, Pickle, help me push this bookshelf. Good. Kitchen? Ben Bennett : Wait, wait, wait. Is the siege over? Arrowhead : No way. They're out there, scheming. I can feel it in my bones. Ben Bennett : Dude, chill, chill, chill. Rusty : They're retreating. Pickle : They're heading toward town. Maybe they're going to Dobler's. Rusty : Yeah, drink off their anger. When they get a nice little buzz they'll think we're awesome for pulling such a cool prank. Arrowhead : What do we do now? Ben Bennett : Let's dance it out, man. Come on. ZBZ HOUSE - Ashleigh & Casey's room Ashleigh : Hey, shouldn't you be out with Max? And what's with the wetness? Casey : I know what she's doing. Ashleigh : Who? Casey : Frannie McBrutus. The pledge lock-in, the gift bags, friggin' s'mores. I should've known. She's solidifying her power base among the freshmen. Ashleigh : Frannie can't run for president again. It's against national rules. She was officially removed. Casey : But that doesn't mean she can't find someone to run against me. Ashleigh : She did invite all the officers over for the lock-in tonight. Casey : You see? She's Karl Rove with hair extensions. She'll talk someone into running then use the pledges to get them elected president, then she'll be pulling all the strings, unraveling the sweater that is my life. Ashleigh : OK, did Max see you like this, 'cause you kind of got crazy eyes. Casey : I can't talk to him about this stuff. It'll just sound ridiculous. Once I win the presidency, then I can dive back into the deep end with Max. But right now I need to borrow your phone so I can deal with this hot Frannie mess. [SCENE_BREAK] CRU - Michael's office Evan : I was just meeting with my Econ professor. Thought I'd stop by. I hope I'm not interrupting. Michael : You are, thank god. I'm grading exams. Now I can give you this thank you note in person. Evan : You didn't have to do that. Michael : I'm a compulsive Miss Manners freak, so I kinda did. It was my pleasure. Evan : In fact, when we left the restaurant, I started thinking. My mom is on the alumni board at Princeton, so she could make a call if you think that might help you. Michael : Really? She would do that? She doesn't even know me. Evan : Well, she knows me and I know you. And like you said, it's all about who you know, right? Michael : That would be unbelievably generous. Evan : Happy to help. Maybe you can help me with O'Toole. It's obvious he's gonna fail French yet again. So I was hoping you could intervene? Michael : You mean tutor him? Evan : Yeah, no, he's tried tutors. He's tried practice tests. We even force fed him a wheel of brie. The guy is just allergic to French. Michael : Why do you care if he passes my class? Evan : Well, he's a brother in need. And I like helping needy people. Call me a philanthropist. It's not like he needs an A. He's taking it pass/fail, so just pass him. What's the harm? Michael : I don't change grades, Evan. Well, no harm in asking, right? And just remember, if you change your mind it could change your life. My mother is a very persuasive woman. People say I take after her. ZBZ HOUSE - Hallway Casey : Frannie, can I steal you for a sec? Frannie : Date over already? Don't get discouraged. There are more fish in the sea. Casey : I left my date early. I couldn't stop thinking about us. Frannie : Oh, Case, some girls may want to experiment in college, but I don't. Casey : Oh, Frannie. I can always count on you to make me laugh. Which is why I'd like to clarify that whole "we're sisters, not friends" thing I said after Greek Week. Sisters fight. They say things they don't mean. Frannie : Really? Casey : They also make up. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry. And I'm grateful that you're taking over as pledge educator. Frannie : Casey, I'm really glad that you said that. It must've taken an awful lot of courage. Casey : So, truce? Frannie : Friends close, enemies closer? That's Politics 101, poodle, and I believe I was your professor. You're gonna have to do a lot better than that. Pledges and officers, time to start the lock-in. Tonight's agenda will be as follows: First we will make collages expressing our hopes and dreams and then we will have a share circle. And then after that we... Casey : I'll get it. Before we start Frannie's way fun collages, I thought I'd treat the pledges to delicious gelato, courtesy of Gianni's Gelato. Ashleigh : Gelato's way better than collages. Laura : Officers first, sluts. Hi, there. Casey : The gelato could have been from both of us, but I guess we're not friends. I learned that from you, too. Always have a Plan B. FYI, I'm part poodle, part pit bull. KT HOUSE - Living room Pickle : You should be a professional prank planner, Spitter. I mean, first the farm animals at the O-Chi house, now this. Rusty : I do seem to have a knack for it, but it was Ben Bennett's genius idea of using Heath's smoke bombs. Pickle : Nice. Rusty : Everybody grab one. Dinner is served. Actually, it took all of us pledge brothers to pull this one off. Ben Bennett : You know what? I like to use the term "pre-actives." Rusty : OK, everybody take a deep breath, count to ten. Arrowhead : 2, 4, 6, 8, 9, 10. Rusty : The power's probably out because somebody didn't pay the bill. Arrowhead : The power company's against us too, man? Man, they're out there with the actives, man. And they got money and electricity, man. Rusty : Arrowhead, calm down. Even if it is the actives, they can't do anything to us from out there. Arrowhead : They're gonna ram us. They're gonna do us like Waco. Game over. Game over! Pickle : They're having a dance party? Rusty : It's psychological warfare. Ben Bennett : We go outside they kill us. We stay inside we go insane. It's like, 20 times in a row with this song! Pickle : The cops ain't coming. They probably just think it's an Omega Chi party. Woodchuck : I say we go out and throw ourselves at their mercy. Ben Bennett : That's a great idea, Woodchuck. Maybe if you talk to them real nice they'll let you stay on as pledge till you're ready for the old folks'home. Rusty : Stop it. The enemy is not us, it's them. If we keep fighting, they win. Ben Bennett : So what are you suggesting? Rusty : Amnesty. Negotiate a settlement without additional punishment. Pickle : Why would they do that? They have all the power. Woodchuck : We pissed them off. Rusty : They need our dues. If they lose the entire pledge class, they won't have enough money to keep this house open. Ben Bennett : And if they lose the class, it'll be harder for them to get pledges in the fall. Rusty : Exactly. EXT. KT HOUSE Omega Chi guy : Pledge problems. Cappie : Yep. Omega Chi guy : Good luck with that. ZBZ HOUSE - Dining room Casey : Vanilla? I thought you'd have more adventurous tastes. Rebecca : I've had enough adventures recently. I don't need to relive them through my gelato. Casey : Listen, I'm sorry to hear about you and Cap. Rebecca : OK! Way to kill my sugar high. Casey : I just wanted you to know I'm here for you. Rebecca : You deserve a Daytime Emmy, Susan Lucci. Casey : What do you mean? Rebecca : I know campaigning when I see it. Casey : That's not what I was doing. Rebecca : You and Frannie are battling over the pledges. She's trying to start an anti-Cartwright faction. You rallied admirably with the gelato gambit. Casey : Thank you. Look, if the pledges are a swing state, then you're their popular governor. I want your endorsement. Rebecca : We'll see. I'm keeping my options open for now. But for the record, I appreciate how you stood up to Tegan. Thanks. Casey : And for the record, I know how hard it is to get over him. Brenda : Well, you and el presidente are looking mighty cozy. Rebecca : I never mix personal with politics. On the personal front, Casey and I are OK. On the political front, it's open season. Ashleigh : You're smiley. Casey : The polls are tracking in my favor. Frannie : Girls, put down your ice butter and give me your attention. My boyfriend, Evan Chambers, he wanted to make sure this was the most memorable lock-in ever, so he sent us these four masseurs to give us some deep tissue treats, so go grab your robes and get down here for some Swedish satisfaction. Casey : Hey, Ash, get...! Ashleigh : You know I'm on your side. But my chakras are a mess. Frannie : Hey, Casey, maybe you should go first. You're looking a little tense. KT HOUSE - Hallway Rusty : So, we're in agreement? No matter what happens, we stick together. I love you guys. Break! Woodchuck : Where are they? Rusty : I don't know. Arrowhead : We're all gonna die! Rusty : Guys? Guys? Ben? Guys! Guys! Beav, we called a truce. ZBZ HOUSE - Hallway Brenda : I feel all loosey-goosey. Laura : I just wish I hadn't inhaled all that gelato beforehand. I need to stop eating like a 500 pound man. Frannie : Hey, you guys, I have a great idea. What if we play a game of I Never? Come on. ZBZ Girl : OK. Casey : How original. Ashleigh : Are we gonna play? Casey : We have to. Frannie : What's a better way to learn about your fellow sisters than by sharing secrets? Everyone circle up. Great. Very good. Brenda : How do you play? Rebecca : Were you homeschooled? Each girl says something they've never done. If another girl in the circle has done that thing, she steps into the middle of the circle. Once they step out, the game starts anew. I'll go first. I never have taken public transportation. Laura : I never ran up a 1,500 dollar credit card bill in two weeks. Ashleigh : I see how it is. I never stalked an entire a capella singing group. Was that... Was that you? Brenda : I never had s*x with Evan Chambers. Frannie : I never served as ZBZ president without being officially elected. Casey : I never lost my presidency after being forced to resign in scandal. Frannie : I never lost my virginity to Cappie and wrote some stupid poem about it. Come on, Case, get in the center. Casey : Don't you ever touch me again! Frannie : Or what? Casey : Or this! Max : I fixed your phone. Casey : Want some water? A few minutes later...in the kitchen. Casey : So now you know, I'm a girl who... I like to throw drinks in other girl's faces. Max : Is this a compulsive thing, like Tourette's? Casey : No, it was totally optional, and you know what? I enjoyed it! But I can't do it anymore, Max! I can't compete with Sarah. She was a world-saving Buddhist philosopher who died tragically young from cancer. Last week I got visibly upset someone dribbled coffee on my Entertainment Weekly. Max : Nobody likes stains. Casey : I've been trying to be someone I'm not for you. And... it's tiring. And it just doesn't work. No matter how great the guy is... Max : You think I'm a great guy? Casey : Yeah. Max : I think you're great, too. And look, Sarah was not a saint. She smoked weed. Bags and bags of weed. She had severe bouts of serious road rage. I once saw her litter. My point is, I like you. I don't want you to be someone else. You're so... so alive. Casey : You like me because I'm alive? Max : Casey : Pretty broad criteria. Max : You don't do anything halfway. When you needed to learn how to count cards you hired an advisor. You bought me a vintage tux. I still owe you money for that. And I love the way you told me about your ran over cat and then you felt crazy for telling me. I love that you just threw a drink in that girl's face. You're just... you're the first thing that's made me want to come out of my room since Sarah died. I'm so happy when I'm around you. Casey : And I'm happy when I'm around you, too. Max : Should we go finish that girl off in there now? Casey : She can wait. KT HOUSE - Basement Cappie : I'd rather finish my date with you. Everybody out but the pledges and Pledgemaster Wade. Thanks for sitting on them. Beaver : Can I please stay and watch you crush their spirit? Cappie : No, Beav. Tonight's transgression was a major letdown. Because it took you so long to do it. Rusty : What are you talking about? Cappie : You passed the test. No KT would put up with being a maid all day this far into pledging. We wanted you to bond together and revolt. Prove that you've got KT blood coursing through your veins. Pickle : So, you're not gonna punish us? Ben Bennett : Dude, you're a genius. You got us to do exactly what you wanted. Arrowhead : Does free will even exist? Cappie : A question for another day, Arrowhead. Rusty : That's impressive. Cappie : You know what? You guys are impressive. All right, everybody upstairs for drinks and a Steven Seagal marathon. Hard to Kill, followed by another showing ofHard to Kill. Come on, big guy. Get up there, have fun. Wade : So we wanted them to rebel? Cappie : It's elementary, my dear Wadeson. If our intent wasn't for the pledges to revolt, then the pledges got one over on the actives. The pledges are in control, then the lunatics have taken over the asylum. Black is white, up is down, left is right, boobs are bad, cuddling is good etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, so on and so forth, until we're back to being cavemen. Wade : I guess you're right. Cappie : Do you remember when we were pledges and we... we handcuffed Egyptian Joe to that truck stop urinal? Wade : Yeah. He said it was genius. Then he hazed the crap out of us. Cappie : That's right. Their guard's down now, which is exactly where we want them to be. Wade : For Hell Week. Cappie : Hell, yeah. CRU - Michael's Office Michael : I look forward to meeting you, too, Dr. Hanson. Merci. Calvin : You look like you're about to faint. Who was that? Michael : That was Princeton on the phone. They want to meet. Evan mom made the introduction. Calvin : That's awesome. He didn't even mention anything to me. I guess he is using his power for good, keeping it a secret, like a superhero. Why don't you look like someone who's about to meet with Princeton? Michael : I'm just a little nervous, I guess. Leaping into the unknown. Calvin : Here's something to calm your nerves. Michael : What's this? Calvin : A gift. It's the bottle of wine you ordered at dinner last night. A case and thought it would be. Nice to give you a bottle to thank you for introducing him to it. Nice guy? Michael : Yeah. Calvin : All right, so let's go back to your apartment and celebrate. Michael : Why not? EXT. CRU Ashleigh : And we're walking, and we're walking and we're walking. Over there is the Michael Grant Fitness Center. Built in 2003 with a 20 million dollar endowment by Michael Grant, CRU's firs ever professional baseball player. Inside you will find state of the art exercise equipment, and lots of toned, sexy people. Moving on, to our right, that there tree is known as Shady Lady. And lounging beneath her awesome boughs are my best friend, Casey, and her new boyfriend, Max. They are CRU's cutest and newest couple on campus. Finding a quality mate is just one of the many advantages to attending Cyprus-Rhodes. And we're walking and we're walking...

Plan: A: the actives; Q: Who is bossing the pledges around? A: Kappa Tau; Q: What fraternity are the pledges of? A: a revolt; Q: What do the KT pledges stage? A: a battle; Q: What do Casey and Frannie start? A: their own personal needs; Q: What do Casey and Frannie want the Zeta Beta pledges for? A: Evan; Q: Who uses his trust fund to bribe Michael? A: his newly acquired trust fund; Q: What does Evan use to bribe Michael? Summary: Fed up being bossed around by the actives at Kappa Tau, the KT pledges stage a revolt. Tensions heat up between Casey and Frannie when both start a battle to win the Zeta Beta pledges for their own personal needs. Evan uses his newly acquired trust fund to bribe Michael, Calvin's boyfriend.

Pam: I really like Valentine's Day in this office. It's kinda like grade school. Everybody gives out little presents and stuff. Like last year, Jim gave me this card, with Dwight's head on it, it was horrifying and funny and... [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [Delivery man enters with a bouquet of red roses. Pam stands up to look at card.] Phyllis. Delivery man: Would you sign here? [Phyllis gets up from desk and walks over.] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Roy and I are saving for the wedding, so I made him promise not to get me anything too big. [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: "Happy Valentine's Day darling. Love Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration." Phyllis: Isn't he sweet? Meredith: Yeah. Wow. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Alright Dwight, as you know I am heading to New York today. [Dwight holds up passport.] Doing a presentation on the branch to the new CFO. Dwight: And you want me to come with you. Michael: Nope. The opposite of that. Dwight: I will stay here and run things on this end. Michael: Ok, good. Dwight: Question. Will you be seeing Jan when you're in New York? Michael: I probably will, why do you ask? Dwight: Well... It's Valentine's Day, and you guys, you know... Michael: Yeah. Dwight: Screwed. Michael: What is your problem? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: This is a business trip. I would have to be a raving lunatic to try to talk to Jan about what happened between us. Her words, not mine. She sent me an email this morning. But, it is Valentine's Day. It's New York. City of Love. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey, Pam. You heart N.Y., right? You want me to pick you up anything? Pam: That's OK. Michael: Alright. Oscar: The best present would be, you do a good job in front of the new CFO. Michael: Dude, I'm gonna nail it. Me in New York? Oh, I own that city. Fuggedaboudit! See ya! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Well here we go. On our way to New York. New York, New York. City so nice they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: So I broke up with Katy and haven't been dating anybody else, so this year I don't have to worry about Valentine's Day. It's gonna be good. I invited a couple of friends over. We're gonna play some cards and I'll end up winning a lotta money. Because, they're idiots. It's gonna be great. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: What's this? What is this? Jim: I dunno, it's on your desk. Dwight: Yeah, but who put it here? And for what purpose? Jim: It was there when I sat down. Dwight: [opens box and reads card] Happy Valentine's Day. [pulls out bobble head] It's me. I'm the bobble head. Yes! [Angela smirks in background] Ahh! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: The meeting isn't 'til three, but I always like to come to New York little bit early and hit some of my favorite hunts, like right here, is my favorite New York pizza joint. And I'm gonna go get me a New York slice. [Michael walks toward Sbarro.] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey Kelly. What's up? Kelly: Nothing. Oh except, oh my God Jim. Last night, Ryan and I totally, finally hooked up. It was awesome. Jim: OH, that's great. I'm really happy for [starts to walk away] Kelly: And it was so funny 'cause we were at this bar with his friends and I was sitting next to him the whole night and he wasn't making a move, so in my head I was like "Ryan, what's taking you so long?" And then he kissed me. And I didn't know what to say. Jim: Wow. Kelly: So I said, "Ryan, what took you so long?" And I just said that to him, can you believe that? Jim: Wow. Kelly: Oh my God, Jim, is that embarrassing? I'm embarrassed. Jim: No, don't be. Kelly: Oh, thank God, because I was nervous, Jim, you will not believe. Jim: I bet. Kelly: So nervous, but now -- now I have a boyfriend. Jim: Alright. [Kelly squeals] [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: [anguished] I hooked up with her on February 13th. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square. Named for the good times you have when you're in it. Most people when they come to New York, they go straight to the Empire State Building, that's pretty touristy. I come here. Great places to eat. [points] We have Bubba Gump Shrimp, Red Lobster down there. Ya know. This is, this is the heart of civilization, right here. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Woah. [Delivery man with flowers] Pam: Guess what? Phyllis: Really, Oh, they're from Bob again. Pam: That's great. [Meredith scowls] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Everybody takes the subway in New York. It's fast, it's efficient, gets you there on time. It's a way to [turns and rushes back up stairs] Okay, there's a guy pooping in a cardboard box down there. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: This is the world famous Rockefeller Center. Founded, of course by Theodore Rockefeller. This is a skating rink and I think the Rangers practice there sometimes and it's, that's Tina Fey [points]. That's Tina Fey from Saturday Night Live. Hello? Hello, hi? [walks over] OH, I'm sorry, I thought you were [Conan O'Brien walks in front of Michael], OK, I thought that was. She, she looked a lot like Tina Fey. [to camera] Hello, hello, I thought that was Tina Fey, but it wasn't. So... Are you serious? He was here? When, when I was talking to the fake Tina Fey? Come on! And are you, argh. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Hello Angela. Did you hear, somebody rocked the house and got me the best present I've ever gotten. Angela: Really? I wouldn't know anything about that, but I'm glad you enjoyed it. Dwight: Oh I did. I did. Angela: I didn't get anything for Valentine's Day. Dwight: Oh, I bet you will before the day is over. Angela: Really? Well, I hope I do. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I would love to live in New York someday. It's a big dream of mine. Work for corporate, with Jan. It'd be awesome. Go to Broadway shows, eat hot dogs. Scranton is great, but New York, is like Scranton on acid, no on speed, no on steroids. [Michael sees it's the end of a street.] OK, umm, I think, that's either the Hudson or the East, so we're back, should be back this way. There's a lotta pressure on me right now. It's like Michael Jordan, in the NBA finals. Or, like Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf, and this presentation is desert storm and as soon as it's over, we will not have to deal with those Iraqis anymore. Let's do it. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [on phone] Nah that's alright. Spend money on her, instead of giving it to us. That's fine. No, I didn't even have a seat for you anyway. Yeah, hahaha, alright man, have a good night. Bye. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Woah, woah [Delivery man with oversized bear] Delivery man: Phyllis Lapin. Pam: OH, Holy God! Delivery man: It's from Bob. Kevin: Man, that thing's bigger than I am. Delivery man: No, it's not. Kevin: Oh zip it. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: There they are. What's up? Hey hey. Craig: Hey. Josh: Michael Scott. [sticks out hand for handshake] Michael: Josh Porter, high five. [They high five] Bam. Josh: You know Dan Gore from Buffalo. Michael: Yeah, how ya doing? Nobody needs to introduce this guy. Craiggers. [bump fists] Craig: What's up buddy? Michael: You have been kicked out of every strip club in Albany, is that true? Craig: Guilty, yeah. Michael: So what's going on? What I miss? Josh: Not much, they're uh, I guess running late upstairs, so we're just waiting for the presentations. Michael: Cool. Good, good, good. Give us some time to catch up, and... [awkward silence] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Pam. Hi, How ya doing? Good. Listen, uh may I speak with you... privately? Pam: You can't fire me, Dwight, just 'cause Michael's not here. Dwight: No, Pam, Just. Just, [tilts head away, towards another room] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: You need to get something for your girlfriend. Dwight: [same time as Pam] Girlfriend. Yes, and the reason I didn't get anything for this particular person - who shall remain nameless - is that she's not really the kind of person you'd think would be into Valentine's Day. She's kind of... Pam: Tightly wound? Dwight: (smirking) Exactly. Pam: Ok, well, sometimes the gift is really about the gesture, you know, like what it means, instead of what it is. Dwight: You mean, like a ham? Pam: No, not like a ham. It's about doing something, so that the person knows that you really care about her. Dwight: Ok, I get it. Pam: That you remember her. Dwight: Ok, shut up. I know exactly what to do. [gets up and leaves] [SCENE_BREAK] Josh: What about you, Craig, you lose anyone? Craig: Oh man, Jan, called me in September and said "You gotta fire four people," and I was just like, "What?" Ya know? Josh: Did you? Craig: No, I just ignored her. She's the worse. Josh: She is our boss. Craig: She ain't my boss dude. I don't work for that bitch. Michael: Ay, Kay. Come on, you know, that's not. Cool it. Craig: What? You like Jan? How can you like Jan? Michael: Maybe because she's my girlfriend. [starts retracting statement] Was, or not my girlfriend. She's... we hooked up and... Josh: You hooked up with Jan? Michael: You know, months ago, just once, It's, just stupid. Just forget it, Josh: Yeah, let's change the subject. Michael: Yeah, yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: I don't know what he's thinking, but I would just be so psyched if we just dated forever. Jim: Take it slow. 'Cause it seems like a lot of the time things like that need... [Ryan walks in] Ryan: Soda. Kelly: [to Ryan] Cool. Hey, so... do you want to... do something tonight? Or... Jim: [under breath] Oh, no, not while I'm here. Kelly: I mean, I know it's Valentine's Day, or whatever, but there's totally no pressure at all, of any kind. What so ever. So... Ryan: I can't tonight. I have plans with my friends. Kelly: OK, That's cool. I completely understand. Ryan: Cool. Cool. OK. [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: Josh Porter, Stamford. David: David [to Josh and shakes hands] Josh: Nice to meet you. Jan: And Michael Scott, Scranton. David: Nice to meet you. Michael: Ditto. [to Jan] How are you Jan? Jan: Fine Michael. Thank you. David: OK. So we are in the process of doing a complete review of the company's financial strengths. All I'd like to do today is to... [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: Nervous, no I'm not nervous. Well, I guess I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little nervous. Umm, the new CFO is judging me on this too, and well, it is Michael, so. Yeah, I'm very nervous. [SCENE_BREAK] Josh: So with the twelve new local accounts, we had a total of four percent organic growth, which was just above our pre-year targets. David: Thanks very much. Josh: Thank you. David: OK, Michael. Michael: What is a business? Is it a collection of numbers and sales reports? Sure. But as you know, David and Jan, it is much more. [plays video on screen. David and Jan have confused looks on their faces.] Michael: [video dialogue for "The Faces of Scranton"] Life moves a little slower in Scranton, Pennsylvania. And that's the way we like it. Because at Dunder Mifflin Scranton, we're not just in the paper business, we're in the people business. Let's meet some of the folks that make the Scranton branch so special. [video shows Stanley at desk] This is Stanley Hudson, one of our talented salesman. An African-American father of two, Stanley's dedication is no doubt one of the hallmark's of the foundation of the business we're hoping to build our bases on. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Yeah, I shot a bunch of footage around the office, edited it together on my Mac. I was thinking of entering it into some festivals. Probably won't. You know, not what this is about. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [video dialogue] And finally, Pam Beesly. Look at her. Look how cute. Not bad at all. As the receptionist, Pam is truly the gateway to our world. Well, I hope this gave you a little taste of what life is like here at Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. What it's like to walk a mile in Oscar's shoes. Or try on Phyllis' pants. Maybe even one of Angela's famous brownies. And you'll know, that you're home. [video says, "Great Scott!"] Michael: Questions? [SCENE_BREAK] David: Wow. OK, OK, thank you Michael, that was great. Michael: Yes, thank you. David: But, for right now what, I would really like to know about is the branch's performance, so do you have that information as well? Michael: Yes, absolutely David. Get that for you. I umm... [hands over report] [SCENE_BREAK] Delivery man: [with flowers] Can you sign? Pam: Yeah. Pam: [delivering plant to Oscar's desk] Oscar. Angela: Nothing for me? Pam: [walks away] Join the club. Kevin: Whose it from? [to Oscar] Oscar: My mom. [puts card in pocket] [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: It's frustrating, because we'd be so perfect together. Jim: You know what? Here's the deal, Kelly. It would be really nice if he was in to you, right? It'd be great, but he isn't. Kelly: Yeah, it would be so great if he was. Jim: Well, he's not, though. So you just gotta suck it up. You just gotta move on. Try to have some fun. Come to my poker game tonight. Kelly: Okay, cool. Is it okay if I invite Ryan? [Jim leaves] [SCENE_BREAK] Dan: And that about does it, thank you. Jan: OK. [looks toward Craig] Craig, Craig: Yeah. Here's the deal. I did not understand this was supposed to be a full on... like report or whatnot. Jan: Um, I'm sorry, what did you think financial presentation meant? Craig: I was under the impression this was, more of like... a meet and greet type deal. David: So, does that mean you don't have the numbers on your branch? Craig: That is correct, yes. Jan: Craig, you realize that we're trying to decide whether if drastic steps need to be taken? Craig: Look, I'm sorry, I didn't know. Jan: Well, the point is, is that doesn't exactly bode well for your branch. Craig: Oh man, you know what? Michael made that stupid movie, he doesn't get into any trouble? Maybe I should have slept with you, too. [David looks at Jan, who glares at Michael.] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Oh, ok. Alright. Jan: NO, NO I'm not, I'm not, I just... I just don't know what to do anymore, Michael. I mean, we're all gonna get fired. Michael: No you're not. Jan: Yeah, Michael - the CFO thinks that we slept together. Do you understand, people get fired for much less? And I just [scratches head] can't believe that you told everybody and we didn't even sleep together. Michael: Technically, we fell asleep in the same bed. So... Jan: Oh, God. Michael. It was months ago. It was once, It's over. Do you understand? Michael: Yes. I'm sorry. I will fix this. I'll talk to him. I'll talk to David. Jan: Surely, you cannot be serious? Michael: I am serious. And don't call me Shirley. Airplane. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. You have to snare it. And then you have to tame it. Keep it happy. Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly, the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving. [SCENE_BREAK] Roy: Hey babe. Pam: Hey. Roy: You almost ready to go? Pam: I guess, yeah. Roy: What's wrong? Pam: Nothing, it's just I had to sit here all day, while Phyllis got like an entire garden delivered to her. Roy: What, you're mad at me? Pam: I mean, I know that we said no big gifts, but I was kind of hoping you'd get me something for Valentine's Day. Roy: Well, Valentine's Day isn't over. Let's get you home and you are gonna get the best s*x of you life. [SCENE_BREAK] David: You understand this is a very serious situation. Michael: No no no no no, yes I, OK, well, alright, here's the deal. It's my fault. This is, this is totally on me. Before you guys came in, I was talking to the guys. We were all chatting and I made a joke, a really dumb joke and Craig the idiot took it seriously. [Jan looks at Michael] David: You made a joke? Michael: I did, it was stupid. And Craig, you saw him, he's not the sharpest tool in the shed. Although he is a tool. [David grins] David: Well I don't need to explain to you that even a joke about sexual relations with your boss... Michael: I know. It was borderline at best and... And Jan is a fantastic executive and has all the integrity in the world and um, I'm really sorry. It will never happen again. Jan: Uh, that's fine. Let's just forget it. David: Good. [Michael leaves office] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Heading out? Jim: Yeah. Alright, Beesly, Hey, Happy Valentine's Day. Pam: Bye. [Jim leaves] Phyllis: Goodnight Pam. [Leaves with oversized bear on back.] Pam: Night Phyllis. [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: Oh, Michael. Thank you again for that, really. It was very nice. Michael: Oh, no big deal. Really. Sorry again. Jan: Oh, no, it's OK. [Puts hand in way of elevator door to stop from closing.] So, uh, Happy valentine's Day. Michael: Yeah, Happy Valentine's Day. [Jan turns and then kisses Michael. Michael looks and sees camera, Jan turns and sees camera, too. Elevator door closes.] Jan: Oh. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Oy vey... schmear. [Points at Fiddler on the Roof playing at Minskoff Theatre and does a dance.]

Plan: A: Michael; Q: Who tells the other branch managers that he and Jan are in a relationship? A: New York City; Q: Where does Michael go on Valentine's Day? A: David Wallace; Q: Who is the company's new CFO? A: a disgruntled manager; Q: Who tells David about Michael and Jan's relationship? A: both his and Jan's jobs; Q: What does Michael save when he tells David he was joking? A: saleswoman Phyllis 's boyfriend; Q: Who sends Phyllis gifts? A: her multiple gifts; Q: What does Phyllis receive? A: Angela; Q: Who does Dwight secretly exchange gifts with? Summary: On Valentine's Day , Michael leaves for New York City for a meeting between branch managers and the company's new CFO , David Wallace . Michael tells the other branch managers that he and Jan are in a relationship, and a disgruntled manager later tells David. Michael is able to save both his and Jan's jobs when he tells David that he was joking. At the office, saleswoman Phyllis 's boyfriend sends her multiple gifts, and Dwight and Angela secretly exchange gifts of their own.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Ingrid: Everyone take a ribbon. As long as we hold these ribbons, we will be there for each other. It was an accident. Please, Gerda. Gerda: You killed our sister. You're a monster. Hook: Who is that? Another friend? I don't remember any of this. Bloody hell. Is that... Yeah. Gold: This spell of yours... It'll bring out the darkness in everyone in this town. Ingrid: It'll do more than that. They will tear themselves apart until everyone is dead. [siren wailing in distance] Whoa, whoa. [Chuckles] [SCENE_BREAK] [ Boston - 1982 ] [SCENE_BREAK] (The Snow Queen is walking on Boston's streets. She sees a psychic shop. She enters) Madame Faustina: You have travelled a great distance, but I can help you. Madame Faustina is here. The Snow Queen: Sorceress, can you use your powers of crystal gazing to show me a girl not yet born? Madame Faustina: This girl is special to you? The Snow Queen: Very much so. At the age of 28, she will arrive in a town called Storybrooke. Madame Faustina: Madame Faustina knows all. Come. The crystal ball awaits. How will you express your gratitude? The Snow Queen: Thank you. Madame Faustina: Payment. How... How will you pay me? The Snow Queen: Will this do? (Ingrid gives Madame Faustina her necklace.) Madame Faustina: Spirits of the ball, hear me and obey. I see... A child. The Snow Queen: Yes. Madame Faustina: A girl... Who is... Special. The Snow Queen: Yes. She has many gifts. Tell me more. Madame Faustina: The child's name is... Susan. (Ingrid gets off of the shop.) The Snow Queen: Liar! Her name will be Emma Swan! The Apprentice's scroll promises this! Madame Faustina: I don't know nothin' about a scroll. Now get outta here or you're gonna get a wicked beating. The Snow Queen: Where I'm from, charlatans such as yourself are severely punished. Madame Faustina: Last warning, fruitcake. Hit the bricks. The Snow Queen: Your trickery changes nothing. I will find Emma. She is coming, and I will find her. And I will wait for her as long as I must. And then I will have what I deserve. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (The Snow Queen is walking in the street. Happy shoots Leroy.) Leroy: He's coming! He's coming! And I ain't happy! [SCENE_BREAK] (At the sheriff station.) Mary Margaret: Prince Charming. Finally I'm seeing you clearly. David: And what do you see? Mary Margaret: A fraud. A shepherd who has no business being royalty. David: Well, I see a spoiled little princess who ran away from her troubles, who always runs away! Mary Margaret: I can't believe I had a child with you. David: Oh, who knows? Maybe you didn't. Could be Whale's. Kristoff: You know, if this is what marriage is like, I'm glad you keep postponing ours. Anna: You don't mean that, Kristoff. It's the spell. Kristoff: No. I'm seeing clearly now, too. I'm beginning to think that this haircut wasn't my only bad idea. Anna: I know this isn't really you. I know it. But it's still upsetting, so I'm just... I'm gonna go see my sister. And you just stay here handcuffed where you can't hurt anybody... But me... With your words. Emma: My parents... That's not who they are. Elsa: They're their worst selves. It's like when Anna put me in that urn. She didn't mean what she said either... I hope. Anna: I didn't. That doesn't make any of this less horrible. Elsa: It's okay. You're immune. We all are. And we're together. Emma: It's gonna be all right. Remember, I'm the Saviour. Anna: Is that like, a real job here? Emma: Apparently, it is. I promised all these people I'd get them their happy endings. And I will. I'm just not sure how at this moment. Anna: I think I might have an idea. Do you know how the Snow Queen got the idea for the curse? It's from a legend called the Trolden Glass. Emma: Never heard of it. Anna: Its origin isn't important. What matters is how they broke the curse. Elsa: What was done? Anna: Uh, to break the spell... Oh. They had to kill the King. So in this case, that would mean Ingrid. Elsa: I don't believe killing is ever the answer. Are you sure we can't reason with her? Emma: She's beyond that. We all want another way, but if it comes down to her or the town, I'm gonna do what has to be done. Elsa: But... Emma: We're out of options. Anna, how are you with kids? Anna: I love kids. (Emma gives Anna her brother.) Anna: Wait. Emma: Elsa, we should get going. Anna: Wait. I'm the babysitter? The Snow Queen is my aunt, too. If this is what has to happen, I wanna be by your side. Emma: Anna, sorry, but someone has to stay here with everyone else. Elsa: Emma's right. Stay with Kristoff. Anna: But this was my plan. Elsa: I know it was. You're the smartest person I know, and you're my sister, which means you need to stay safe. Ingrid is a problem that Emma and I have to solve. Anna: Do you trust Emma? Elsa: I do. She's my friend. Anna: Then go. (Mary Margaret et David are fighting.) Kristoff: Keep it down! God! [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina is trying to escape from her vault.) Regina: Ugh! Ugh! Sealed in my own vault?! Ugh! This is... This is... This is the Saviour's doing. I should've incinerated her years ago. This is what I get for being subtle! What the hell am I wearing? (Regina dresses her like she was the Evil Queen.) Regina: I've missed you. [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook enters in Mr Gold's shop.) Hook: Where's the missus? She turned homicidal on you yet? Mr Gold: None of your business. What kept you? Hook: Well, it's like swimming with sharks out there. The minute one of them tastes blood, they'll tear each other apart. Mr Gold: Well, count your blessings you're not one of them. Hook: Why was I spared the cloud's curse? Mr Gold: Because your heart wasn't in your chest, dearie. It was here in my shop with me. In protective custody, so to speak. Hook: What is it you need, Crocodile? Mr Gold: Once I finish packing, I'm gonna take Belle to the town line. I need you to find Henry and do the same thing. Hook: So you still think you're leaving? Mr Gold: Oh, ye of little faith. Tomorrow night, when the stars in the sky align with the stars in the hat, I shall finally cleave myself from this dagger and be on the other side of that ice wall before dawn. Hook: Are you saying there's a bloody way out of here? Mr Gold: Dark One always finds a way. Hook: Well, if the Dark One is so powerful, why doesn't he magic his grandson to his side? Mr Gold: Because that would require me knowing where his mothers have locked him away for safekeeping. Now unless you really, really have no need for that tongue, I suggest you slither back outside into the hostile current and find Henry. You'll be needing this. Hook: You won't win. Villains never do. Mr Gold: Don't be ridiculous, dearie. When Belle and Henry wake up tomorrow morning in New York City, they won't remember a thing about tonight. I'll tell then the Snow Queen destroyed Storybrooke, whilst I saved everyone I could. I won't be a villain. I'll be a hero. (Hook leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] (The Snow Queen is in her ice-cream shop. She makes some ice-cream disappear from a pot. There are hidden rocks.) [SCENE_BREAK] (The Snow Queen gets off out her shop. Emma and Elsa are waiting for her.) Emma: Stop. Elsa: This must end, Ingrid. Emma: Our magic is a part of us now. We control it, and we control it really well. The Snow Queen: I'm so proud of you both. You've finally embraced who you truly are. (Elsa and Emma try to use their powers on the Snow Queen but they fail.) Elsa: Emma. Emma: Again. The Snow Queen: The love that flows through our ribbons is without equal. Its strength protects the life-force that we all now share. Elsa: She's made it impossible for us to hurt her. Emma: We gotta get these things off. The Snow Queen: There's no need. Soon, you won't want to hurt me. Soon, you will love me. For real. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Richfield, Minnesota - 1999 ] [SCENE_BREAK] (At Ingrid's house.) Kevin: Hey, look what the new girl brought with her. Emma: Give it to me! Ingrid: Give it back, Kevin. The camera is Emma's, not yours. We respect property in this household, don't we, Kevin? Kevin: Yes, ma'am. Ingrid: Here you go, Emma. It's okay, sweetie. I know you're new here, but you're gonna be just fine. Okay, lights out in 15! Don't forget to brush your teeth! Kevin: It's your choice, sweetie. You can either give me that camera tomorrow or I can make your life a living hell. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma goes downstairs. She tries to run away.) Ingrid: I made us some cocoa. Wanna join me? Emma: No. Ingrid: Suit yourself. You know, by my account, there are 15 separate subconscious signs or tells that a new foster child displays when they're going to run away on his or her first night. In the brief time we were together, you showed seven. Not that I blame you. When I was younger, I did the same thing. Emma: You ran away? Ingrid: I tried to. People in my life, they, uh, they intervened. Do you wanna know why? Emma: Does it matter? Ingrid: It did to me. They stopped me because they cared about me. Emma: Lucky you. Ingrid: No. Lucky you. Because now that you're living under my roof, I'm gonna care for you the way they cared for me. Emma: Yeah, well, don't waste your time. I'm not interested. Ingrid: Hmm. Suit yourself. Go. I won't stop you. Emma: You won't? Ingrid: No. Go on. More cocoa for me. I understand how difficult it must be to live under the same roof as someone like Kevin, who's deathly afraid of spiders. Any spiders, really. Small spiders. Big spiders. Even the rubber ones I keep in my desk. In the drawer on the right. Behind the box of staples. Poor Kevin. It's a shame you can't stay, Emma. Emma: Maybe... Maybe I could hang around for one more day. Ingrid: Works for me. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Elsa come in Mr Gold's shop.) Emma: Gold? Belle? You in here? They're gone. Elsa: Then what do we do? Emma: We do it ourselves. (Emma tries to cut her ribbon.) [SCENE_BREAK] (In the street the citizens are fighting. Hook are walking.) Doc: Say something! Dopey, say something! Open your mouth! Speak, speak, speak! Granny: Move it! (Will sees Hook.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Anna is observing what happen outside the sheriff station.) David: That's ridiculous. Mary Margaret: At least I know how to swaddle our child correctly. David: I swaddle him perfectly. Mary Margaret: He's a baby, not a breakfast burrito. Anna: Stop it. I mean, I have to say I expected more from the two of you. Use your heads. Think back to what it was like before the spell changed you. Sure, you had issues with each other, but they were minor. David: Minor? Minor? When I first met her, she hit me in the face. If that wasn't a sign, I don't know what is. Mary Margaret: Yes, you responded by hanging me in a net from a tree. You're a real prince charming. Anna: Yes, he is Prince Charming, and you're Snow White. And those things sound terrible but they also sound romantic. Can't you see that? 'Cause if you can see that, then maybe you can defeat this dark spell. Mary Margaret: Someone slip me a poison apple and put me out of my misery. Kristoff: Oh! Me! Pick me! David: Oh, shut it, Ice Man. Kristoff: Ice Man? Who you calling Ice Man, stable boy? David: I'm calling you Ice Man. And you're from Arendelle. What are you doing selling ice? The whole place is frozen! Kristoff: Ice is a very important commodity. Mary Margaret: You know what, Swiss Miss? You do know me. I pick flowers. I talk to birds. I do all kinds of warm, fuzzy things. And you know what else? I kill. Yeah, that's right. Snow White's a murderer. I killed the Evil Queen's mommy. And I said I was sorry... And it didn't mean it. Anna: That's horrible. Mary Margaret: Still wanna hold hands, sing "Zip-a-dee-doo-dah"? [SCENE_BREAK] (At Mr Gold's shop.) Emma: I give up. It's useless. The magic protecting this ribbon is just too powerful. Elsa: I guess the Snow Queen meant what she said about her love. Emma: I'm sorry. I was too busy thinking of ways to punch her to retain that. Elsa: She's said the love flowing through our ribbons was without equal. Emma: Maybe without equal, but not without an opposite that's equally strong. Elsa: What? Emma: If her amplified love put these ribbons on our wrists, then maybe what we need is someone's equally amplified hatred to get them off. Elsa: Emma you're a bit prickly, but you're certainly not hateable. Emma: Tell that to Regina. I'm prickly? Elsa: If you let Regina out while she's under the influence of the Snow Queen's curse, she'll kill you. Emma: She'll try. But right now, it's... Elsa: A theory. Emma: The best chance we have. If Storybrooke wants to survive, Regina needs to hate me like she's never hated me before. [SCENE_BREAK] (Elsa and Emma are walking to Regina's vault. Regina, who traps inside, fell the arrival.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Into the ice cave. The Snow Queen pulls up from the inside of a rock, Emma's memory.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Richfield, Minnesota - 1999 ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma is at the funfair with Ingrid.) Emma: Ooh! What do I do? Help! Ingrid: Don't look at me! You're driving! Emma: Oh! I can't do it. Ingrid: Concentrate. Emma: Okay. Okay. Ingrid: Okay. Trust your instincts and let it rip. Don't let go. Win. (Emma grabs a puppy.) Emma: Ah! Ingrid: Yes! Let's see what you won. Emma: I love it. Ingrid: See, this is a great lesson, Emma. If you push yourself and you ignore the flickering lights and the distractions of this world, you can accomplish anything. Emma: Ingrid, it's a plastic ring, not a scholarship to Yale. Ingrid: I know, but you're a special girl, Emma. And someday, you're gonna surprise everybody with your extraordinary gifts. Emma: Okay, now you're going overboard. Ingrid: I'm serious. I'm glad I got to know you. Emma: Ingrid, are... Are you crying? Ingrid: No, just... A little emotional. Emma: I'm being sent away again. Ingrid: What? Emma: That's why we spent the day together. Ingrid: No. Emma: It's why you're crying. Ingrid: No. You couldn't be more wrong. Emma: Then what is it? Ingrid: I'm... I'm filling out the paperwork to adopt you. We're gonna be a family. Emma: Are you serious? Ingrid: I know that it's a big leap. And you may not look at me as a mother. I know how hard that is. But... I... I promise I will be the best big sister that you could ever hope for. Emma: I love you. Ingrid: I love you, too. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Outside Regina's vault.) Emma: Okay, stand back. Containment spell. Okay. Here goes. Elsa: You can do it. Emma: Okay. Well, I'm still getting the hang of the controlling the magic thing. But lucky for us, the next part should be easy for me. Elsa: What's that? Emma: Be prickly. (Emma and Elsa enter.) [SCENE_BREAK] (At the vault.) Emma: Whoa. Little late for Halloween. Regina: You. Emma: How do you walk in that thing? Regina: With the poise and composure of a Queen. Perfect timing, Miss Swan. I was just reading up on how to turn you into a garden topiary. What's she doing here? Elsa: I wanted to see your face when you learned the truth. Regina: The truth about what? Emma: I lied to you, Regina, about Marian. I knew all along. I brought her here on purpose. Regina: Tell me something I don't know. Emma: What you don't know is why. Not only did I wanna break your heart, I wanted to see me and Hook together, see the happiness you could never have, and ruin it again, just like my mother did. Regina: I've been waiting a long time for this. (Regina shoots a fireball on Emma and Elsa. It destroys the ribbons. Emma pushes away Regina with her powers.) Regina: Uhh! Emma: Let's go. Regina: Swan! [SCENE_BREAK] (At the mayor's office.) Hook: Henry. I know you're in there, mate. I need you to come with me now. Henry: There's no way I'm going anywhere with a dirty pirate. Hook: Dirty? I bathe quite frequently, thank you very much. Henry: I never liked you, and I like you even less now that you and my mom are together. Hook: Emma used that word? "Together"? Henry: Go! Hook: Okay. Henry, I need to bring you somewhere safe. All right. (Hook pours a potion on the door.) Hook: I'm coming in! (Hook comes in and slides on marbles.) Hook: Uhh! (Henry runs away.) Hook: Henry! I'm just trying to do what's best for you! (Will enters.) Will: I've been looking for you, pirate. Come to pay you back for that shiner you gave me. Hook: Now's not the time, mate. Will: Oh, it bloody well is the time! Now let's see how hard you are without your girlfriend 'round to protect ya. (Hook knocks out Will.) Will: Uhh! Hook: Henry! [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Elsa are into the ice cave.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Richfield, Minnesota - 1999 ] [SCENE_BREAK] (In the street.) Emma: It's nights like this I wish I just had the power to poof home like Harry Potter. If I was like him, I could be standing here in the cold one minute, and home soaking in the tub in the next. Ingrid: That would be something, wouldn't it? Emma... Emma, do you remember how much fun we had in the arcade last week? Emma: Of course. Best day I've had in a long time. How could I forget? Ingrid: And do you remember how the lights in the game flickered right before you won? Emma: Yeah. Weird. Ingrid: What if it was more than just weird? What if it meant that you were on the cusp of a great self-revelation? I think it's time. (Ingrid leads Emma in the middle of the road. A car arrives.) Emma: What are you doing?! Ingrid: Stop the car. Emma: What?! Ingrid: Trust your instincts. Do it! Stop the car! Emma: Let go of me! (Emma runs away.) Ingrid: Emma! I'm sorry. Emma: Are you crazy?! You almost killed me! Ingrid: I made a mistake. When I was younger, I... I had a traumatic experience that unleashed a power that I... I didn't even know that I had. Emma: What are you talking about? Ingrid: I thought the arcade was a sign that you were coming into your own. Emma: You think I have powers? Like Harry Potter? Ingrid: No, Emma. That's fiction. What you have is more real and more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Emma: Great. I should've known the only person willing to adopt me would turn out to be a nut job. Ingrid: No. Emma... Emma: Don't touch me! I thought... (Emma runs away.) Ingrid: Emma, wait. Emma! Emma! Emma! [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina is looking for Emma at the sheriff station otherwise she finds Mary Margaret and David.) Regina: Ugh! Well, well, well. Isn't this my lucky day? I had come here to kill Emma, but now I get to kill the two idiots who started it all. David: Hey, I wasn't the one that told Cora about your secret boyfriend. Mary Margaret: Are you selling me out? Regina: Shut up! You both deserve to die. Not just for what you did, but for your whining. But your punishments should fit your crimes. Mary Margaret, you took my first true love from me. Now I'm going to return the favour by taking your baby. Mary Margaret: No! David: Regina! Anna: Please, Your Majesty, let's be reasonable. You're under the Snow Queen's spell. You don't actually hate Mary Margaret and David. Kristoff: It does sound like she has her reasons. Anna: Kristoff! Regina: I don't know who you are, but why don't you go back to where you came from? (Kristoff and Anna disappear.) Regina: Where was I? Mary Margaret: Gonna use your magic, Regina? You afraid to get your hands dirty? Regina: I don't need magic to kill you. (Regina gives Mary Margaret a sword.) Regina: Magic is too good for you. I want to watch you bleed. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Maine - 2001 ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Ingrid is in the Maine, in the middle of nowhere.) The Apprentice: Take this. When the time comes... It will lead you to your third sister. (Storybrooke appears.) Ingrid: Hello, Storybrooke. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Into the ice cave.) The Snow Queen: You two have no idea how long I've waited for this moment. Your ribbons... What have you done? Emma: I'm not much for accessories. The Snow Queen: Those ribbons joined us together. Emma: Get it through your head, lady. We're not your sisters and we're never gonna love you. The Snow Queen: Oh, Emma. I know that you actually believe that. And... It makes me sad. But I know that sadness won't last because soon, you'll see you're wrong. Emma: Don't do it! The hell are those? The Snow Queen: They're memories I took from the two of you. And now it's time to give them back. Emma: Why? So we can remember just how badly you treated us? The Snow Queen: The funny thing about time is we romanticize the good and forget the bad. That's exactly what's in these crystals. These are the good memories and nothing else. Lovely moments the two of you shared with me, which I'll cherish forever and now so will you. Emma: I hate to break it to you, but magic can't make someone love you. The Snow Queen: You're right, Emma. Magic can't create love. But if someone loved you in the past, it can make them love you again. And I know you've forgotten, Emma, but you did love me. You both did. That's why... Right now, you're not doing anything. We all know the only way to stop me is to kill me, and you're both... Hesitating. You don't have it in you. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke - November 2011 ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma comes in the ice-cream shop's.) Emma: Still open? I need a couple of pints for my son. He loves this place. Ingrid. Ingrid: Emma. Emma: What the hell are you doing here? Ingrid: E... Ever since you came to Storybrooke, I've been waiting for you to come into my shop. I wanted to give you your space, let you come to me. Emma: My space? Are you out of your mind? Are you following me? Ingrid: There's so many things that I wanted to tell you, so many things that I wanted to say. And look at you. You're all grown up. Emma: Don't touch me! This makes no sense. You don't look a day older. That was over 10 years ago. Ingrid: After you ran away, I came to Storybrooke to wait for you. And people don't age here the way they do in a world without magic. The Apprentice was right. He said that you would be here on your 28th birthday, and here you are. Emma: The Apprentice? Magic? You're even loonier than when I ran away. Ingrid: I'm not, Emma. You know that this place is special. You know that you're special. Everything that Henry is telling you is true. Emma: No. I know you screwed up my life. You're crazy. Crazy then, crazy now! You tried to kill me! Get out of my way. I'm gonna call Sheriff Graham. Ingrid: No, you're not calling anyone. Emma: What's that, your pet rock? Ingrid: No, Emma. No, it isn't. It's magic from my world. (Ingrid takes Emma's memories.) Ingrid: Oh. You okay? Emma: What happened? Ingrid: You slipped. You almost fell. Do... Do you still want that ice cream? Emma: Yeah. Two pints of cherry vanilla. Ingrid: How about some rocky road? Uh, on the house. You look like you could use it. Have a taste. Emma: Now that is rocky road. It's delicious. Ingrid: Wanna know my secret? Lot of patience. Lot of love. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina and Mary Margaret are fighting with swords.) David: Careful! The stroller's not under warranty anymore! Mary Margaret: You said you bought it new! David: It was gently used! Mary Margaret: Uhh! Regina: Let me know when you're tired of missing, Mary Margaret. Mary Margaret: I only have to hit you once. Uhh! Uhh! Regina: My, my. Aren't you a good a sleeper? Mary Margaret: You think this spell has made me angry? Do not wake my baby! (Mary Margaret attacks Regina. Regina uses her powers on Mary Margaret.) Mary Margaret: You said no magic. Regina: And you said you could keep a secret! Mary Margaret: I... Was... 10! [SCENE_BREAK] (On the beach.) Kristoff: Where did she send us? Anna: She tried to send us back to where we came from, and this was the closest spot. Where are you going? Kristoff: I'm going back to Arendelle, even if I have to swim there. Anna: I don't think that's how portals work. I mean, sure, I've only ever been through one, but they seem pretty one-way. Kristoff: I'm tired of this! My life used to be simple... Just me and Sven. No sister-in-law who sets off eternal winters. No crazy aunt who wants to kill everyone I know. No fiancée who delays my wedding for 30 years! Anna: That wasn't my fault. Okay, the first few weeks were, but we were frozen for the rest of it! Uhh! (Anna falls on the sand.) Kristoff: You know what? I'm tired of listening to you, and I'm tired of listening to reason. I'm going back, and nothing you do will stop me! Anna: Sorry, Kristoff, but you'll thank me later. I'll make it up to you, I promise. Close your eyes. (Anna hits Kristoff. She picks up a letter.) Anna: Kristoff. Kristoff, do you have any idea what this is?! Oh. Right. I knocked you out. Wake up! We have to take this to Elsa! Mwah! I love you! You're amazing! You're unconscious. I'll be right back. Stay here. I mean, I know you'll stay here, but I'll be be right back anyway! [SCENE_BREAK] (Into the ice cave.) The Snow Queen: It's okay. Come. Be my sisters. Elsa: I can't do it, Emma. I can't hurt her. Emma: Yeah, well, I can. Anna: Wait! Stop! Elsa: Anna! No, she's too dangerous. The Snow Queen: You should listen to my sister and go. Anna: Your sister? She's mine. And whatever you're gonna do? Well... Don't. Elsa, I found this on the beach. It's from our mother. She must've thrown it into the ocean before their ship sank. It came over in the portal with us. Emma: Oh, just be careful. Anna: No, I'm not gonna be careful. She needs to hear this. You all do. "Elsa, Anna, I don't know if your father and I will ever get back to you, but I need you to know we were wrong to tell Elsa to conceal her powers." The Snow Queen: How fitting that you, who are so much like your mother, should share her last words. Anna: "I feel terrible that it happened before and I can't let it happen again." The Snow Queen: What? Anna: "My sister Ingrid, like you, also had ice powers. I never told you about her or my other sister Helga, but I should have. They were beautiful and kind and wonderful, and I was fearful. And I let that fear guide me. I let Ingrid hide when I should have celebrated her for the person she was. I loved her so much." The Snow Queen: You're lying! My sister hated me! She called me a monster! She put me in that urn, like you did Elsa! Anna: "In this crystal are the memories of my sisters, which I stole from the people of Arendelle. Please return them. My sisters deserve to be known. In a cave in the north valley, you'll find an urn that contains Ingrid. Please do what I should have done long ago and release her. When you see her, please tell her I love her and I'm sorry. I'd give anything to take back what I did, to hold her hands one more time." (The Snow Queen is strangling Anna with her powers.) Elsa: Ingrid! Emma: Let her go! Anna: I understand, Aunt Ingrid. I understand now why you cast this curse. But you can come back from it. The Snow Queen: Understand me? How could you? You're nothing like me! You understand nothing! Anna: You're right. I'm not like you. My mother wasn't like you. But if she was able to love you for who you are, so can I. You're a part of our family no matter what. And family never gives up on each other. The Snow Queen: You lie! (The Snow Queen slaps Anna. She takes the letters and reads it.) The Snow Queen: Oh. Oh, Gerda. Oh. What have I done? I need to reverse this. Anna: You can't. The only way is if you... The Snow Queen: I know. I have to destroy myself. Elsa: No, Ingrid. Wait! The Snow Queen: There's no other way. I am a monster, not because of my powers, but because of what I let them turn me into. I have to undo this. Elsa: No, Ingrid. You'll die. The Snow Queen: I know. It's okay. Elsa, Anna, you found each other. And, Emma, you found your family, even if it wasn't with me. You... You deserve your memories. You three are so special. Never forget that. Oh! Emma: There has to be another way. You deserve your happy ending, too. The Snow Queen: Long ago, a prophecy told me that you would lead me to just that, Emma. And this is it. All I wanted was to have my sister's love, and... Now I have it. Now... I get to join them. (Ingrid dies.) Emma: She sacrificed herself for us, for all of us. Elsa: Anna. Anna: Elsa. Elsa: We must follow through on our mother's last wish. We must bring back the memory of Ingrid and Helga to the people of Arendelle. Anna: We will. [SCENE_BREAK] (In the street, everybody are fighting.) Leroy: Get off me! Clark: Uhh! Aah! Leroy: Don't you sneeze on me, you son of a gun! Dashful: Hey, what are you doing?! (The snow falls and everyone stop.) [SCENE_BREAK] (At the sheriff station, Regina and Mary Margaret stop their fight.) Regina: What am I wearing? (They laugh.) [SCENE_BREAK] (In the street.) Happy: Sorry I tried to kill you. Leroy: With a crossbow. Yeah. You tried to kill me with a crossbow. Mary Margaret: Emma! Emma: Mom. Henry: Mom! Regina: Henry. Henry: And mom. David: And he's finally waking. Mary Margaret: Look, I know that we were under the Snow Queen's curse, but... David: We were under a curse. It's okay. (Mary Margaret and David kiss.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Belle is sleeping at Mr Gold's shop. Hook comes in.) Hook: Henry got away. Mr Gold: So you failed. At kidnapping a child. Hook: Well, perhaps you could say my heart wasn't in it. Mr Gold: The Snow Queen's plan also failed. But mine won't. Enjoy this snowfall, dearie. It'll be your last. Hook: Then grant me one dying wish. Mr Gold: I'm not in the business of making deals with you anymore. Hook: Leave Emma and the rest of Storybrooke be. There's no need to harm them. Mr Gold: When I step over that town line with my magic intact, Emma and Storybrooke have nothing to fear from me... As long as they don't get in my way. But I can't make that same promise for the rest of the world. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr Gold gets out of his shop and walks in the street.)

Plan: A: April 2016; Q: When was this episode aired? A: the past Enchanted Forest; Q: Where does Belle get kidnapped? A: Camelot; Q: Where is the gauntlet from? A: Ursula; Q: Who does Rumplestiltskin visit in New York City? A: Cruella de Vil; Q: Who is one of the Queens of Darkness? A: their happy endings; Q: What do Rumple and Ursula agree to work together to obtain? A: Ingrid's curse; Q: What prevents anyone who crosses the town line from returning? A: Anna; Q: Who knows about Rumple's plan? A: Hook; Q: Who does Rumple send to find a door to Arendelle? A: the Sorcerer's Mansion; Q: Where does Hook go to find a door to Arendelle? A: power; Q: What does Belle realize Rumplestiltskin loves the most? A: Storybrooke's clock tower; Q: Where is the real dagger located? A: Six weeks later; Q: How long after the events of the episode does the next episode take place? A: a fish feeder; Q: What is Ursula's job? Summary: This episode's plot summary may be too long or excessively detailed. Please help improve it by removing unnecessary details and making it more concise. (April 2016) (Learn how and when to remove this template message) In the past Enchanted Forest, Belle is kidnapped for a gauntlet from Camelot that can reveal anyone's greatest weakness. Rumplestiltskin goes to pay the ransom to Maleficent, Ursula, and Cruella de Vil (Queens of Darkness) and leaves with Belle, only to reclaim the gauntlet later. Rumplestiltskin declines Ursula's offer to join them and get villains their happy endings, claiming he will always win. In the present, it is revealed that Ingrid's curse prevents anyone who crosses the town line from returning. Anna knows about Rumple's plan, Rumple sends Hook out to find a door to Arendelle at the Sorcerer's Mansion to send Anna and Elsa back. This attempt fails when Anna tells everyone Rumple's secret before she departs. Ingrid's Freezing Curse still lingers, so Regina breaks up with Robin Hood so he can take his wife and Roland into the real world, to cut off the magic sustaining the Freezing Curse to save Marian. While everyone rushes to stop Rumple from killing Hook, Belle finds the gauntlet and realizes that Rumplestiltskin loves power the most. She uses the gauntlet to find the real Dagger, in Storybrooke's clock tower, where Rumplestiltskin has begun the ritual to sever himself from the Dagger. She uses it to stop Rumplestiltskin killing Hook before having Rumplestiltskin take them to the town line and forces him to leave Storybrooke. Henry, Emma and Regina set out to find the Author. Six weeks later, in New York City, a powerless Rumplestiltskin visits Ursula at her aquarium job as a fish feeder and they agree to work together to obtain their happy endings.

DELTA AND THE BANNERMEN PART ONE Run time: 24:47 [SCENE_BREAK] Planet surface [SCENE_BREAK] Gavrok: Take no prisoners! Kill them all! Delta: Are you strong enough to run? Chima: Run where? They've firebombed every ship we have. Delta: Then we'll have to take one of theirs. Now! [SCENE_BREAK] Spaceship [SCENE_BREAK] Delta: I'll cover the hatch. Gavrok: You are the last survivor, but not for long. Delta: You saved my life, Chima. I'm sorry. Chima: Go. Get away. Take this with you. [SCENE_BREAK] Planet surface [SCENE_BREAK] Gavrok: Help! [SCENE_BREAK] TARDIS [SCENE_BREAK] Tollmaster: (O.C.): Attention, incoming craft. You're approaching Tollport G seven one five. Please have your credits ready. The Doctor: It's strange how in some galaxies these tollports spring up all over the place like mushrooms, yet in others you can go for light years without seeing a single one. Mel: Doctor... The Doctor: I think it relates to the way that space is being developed. I mean, there never has been a consistent three dimensional planning policy. Mel: Doctor, something doesn't look right. Only the landing lights are on. It looks abandoned. The Doctor: And by completely ignoring the overspill from the fourth dimension they sometimes build one port right on top of the other, only realising it when there's an interface slippage. Mel: Doctor, this is serious. There's something wrong. The Doctor: Yes, it is serious. I don't seem to have any change. Er, take five credits from the kitty, Mel. Mel: There's nothing in here again. The Doctor: That kitty defies all known laws of physics. I keep filling it up and it's always empty. Mel, there's something wrong. Only their landing lights are on. [SCENE_BREAK] Tollport G715 [SCENE_BREAK] Tollmaster (O.C.): Tollport G seven one five. Please have your credits ready. Tollmaster (O.C.): Tollport G seven one five. Tollport G seven one five. The Doctor: Mel, I don't like the look of this one little bit. Mel: Me too. It's spooky. The Doctor: Get ready to run back into the TARDIS at the first sign of trouble. Mel: Okay. Tollmaster (O.C.): Halt! The Doctor: Who's there? Why don't you come out of the light and show yourself? Tollmaster: Surprise, surprise! By Jove, yes. Welcome, friends. A thousand welcomes. The Doctor: It's a funny way to welcome your friends. We thought you'd been attacked by space pirates. Now, about this toll fee... Tollmaster: Toll fee? Tonight is your lucky night. Because You are our ten billionth customer. The Doctor: Ten billion customers? Tollmaster: And one. The Doctor: You mean to say ten billion people have come here? Tollmaster: Exactly. The Doctor: Congratulations. Now, about this toll fee. Tollmaster: But, but you've won! You've won the grand prize. Mel: What is it? I've never won anything before. Tollmaster: Your prize. Hang about. You have won our fabulous Fifties tour. A week, a whole week, in Disneyland, planet Earth. And this time, they're going back to 1959. The rock and roll years. Mel: Oh, that's fantastic! Oh, let's go, Doctor. Please agree. Our last holiday wasn't exactly ice hot. Oh, please? The Doctor: A holiday? Yes, a week's holiday would be quite pleasant. A green swarth, a babbling brook, birds twittering. [SCENE_BREAK] Welsh countryside [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor (O.C.): Just what's required. A large dose of tranquillity. Weismuller: I never had a red alert before. Hawk: Me neither. Weismuller: I think we'd better find a telephone real fast. Hawk: Out here? Weismuller: Get in the car. Get in the car. Weismuller: Hello, will you put me through to the White House, Washington DC? This is a priority call, code eleven. Weismuller: Hello? This is Agent Jerome P Weismuller speaking from Wales, in England. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Oh, oh yes, sir. We'll get right on it, sir. Hawk: Well? Weismuller: That was the President's right hand man. Wow! Hawk: Come on, Weismuller, spill the beans. Why the red alert? Weismuller: He says that Cape Canaveral has fired a space rocket with an artificial satellite. Hawk: This is history in the making, Weismuller. What are we supposed to do about it? Weismuller: Surveillance, Hawk, surveillance. We've been selected. It's our job to track the thing. [SCENE_BREAK] Tollport G715 [SCENE_BREAK] Mel: Are we going to have a whole space cruiser to ourselves? Tollmaster: Oh, no. You're going on a scheduled tour with the Navarino's 1950's club. The Doctor: Navarinos from the tribe on Navarro? Squat, wrinkly, purply creatures? Won't they be a little conspicuous on Earth? Tollmaster: Oh, I don't think so. Not now. They've been through a transformation arch. Now, follow me. We must stick to time. Everyone knows I'm a stickler for time. Adlon: Come on. Bollit: Don't be a coward. Adlon: Come on, it doesn't hurt. Come on, come on. That's it. Murray: Thank you very much. Thank you. The Doctor: Who's that? Tollmaster: Oh, that's Murray, your pilot. The Doctor: Oh, this is going to be very interesting. Mel: What is? The Doctor: Nostalgia Trips, the most notorious travel firm in the five galaxies. It was a Nostalgia Trip cruiser that got stuck with the glass eaters of Tharl. Mel: Oh, dear. Tollmaster: Yes, well, they may have had one or two little problems in the past, but that's all sorted out now. Mel: But the brochure shows a space cruiser, not an old bus. Tollmaster: Old bus? This is a very expensive conversion. The chassis and the engine, they're from a Helstrom Two, the very latest thing in space cruisers. The old-fashioned bodywork, well, that's just to please the tourists. We're not fools, you know. Murray: I've been through that thing a hundred times and I still don't like it. Oh, welcome aboard. I'm Murray. Mel: I'm Mel and this is the Doctor. Murray: That's great. Knowing Nostalgia Trips, we may need a doctor. Come on, folks. All aboard! The Doctor: Mel, you go ahead on the bus. I'll follow on in the TARDIS. Mel: Thanks. Murray: Oh, you don't think the old bus'll make it, Doctor? Underneath this streamliner shell is a Helstrom Fireball engine. None finer. Tollmaster: Come along, folks. All aboard. Have fun. Remember your time. 1959. Is that your husband or have you brought the bulldog with you? Oh, kiss me quick. My goodness me, what a time we're going to have. [SCENE_BREAK] Spaceship [SCENE_BREAK] Gavrok (on monitor): You cannot escape me. Wherever you go, I will track you down. Delta: My people will survive, Gavrok. Gavrok (on monitor): You are the last. Turn back. There is nowhere you can hide. Delta: Your trace finder can follow my ship, but you'll never take me. Tollmaster (O.C.): Attention, incoming craft. You are approaching Tollport G seven one five. Please have your credits ready. [SCENE_BREAK] Gavrok's spaceship [SCENE_BREAK] Gavrok: She's somehow switched off the homing trace. Visual pursuit. Copy her vector. Gavrok: You're overshooting, fool. She went into that space toll. Tollmaster (O.C.): Attention, incoming craft. You're approach... [SCENE_BREAK] Nostalgia Trips bus [SCENE_BREAK] Murray: Please keep your seats during the flight and no dancing in the aisles. Now, are we all feeling fine? All: Yes! Murray: All right. 1959, here we come! [SCENE_BREAK] Welsh countryside [SCENE_BREAK] Hawk: That better? Do you hear anything yet? Weismuller: No, no, nothing. All I get is something called Housewives' Choice. I can't even get any rock and roll. Hawk: No signal from the satellite? Weismuller: No. Come on down. You try. I tell you, it's hopeless, Hawk. That thing could be anywhere. [SCENE_BREAK] Nostalgia Trips bus [SCENE_BREAK] Murray: Come on now, all of you sing. Mel: Do you often do the Fifties run? Murray: Ah ha. I love that sort of thing. The music, the haircuts, the baggy suits. Mel: Where are you from? Murray: You're not a late arrival from the Navarino party, are you? Delta: No. I'm a Chimeron. [SCENE_BREAK] Welsh countryside [SCENE_BREAK] Hawk: Forget it, Weismuller. Without those coordinates, we're shooting in the dark. Weismuller: I am not making that call, and that's that. Hawk: The boss said we were to share everything. That includes responsibility, you know. Weismuller: Let me tell you something. If they think we fouled up, they'll be ringing us every five minutes. Now you go ahead and make that call. Weismuller: Hello? Agent Weismuller speaking. Oh, no, sir. No, no, nothing yet. Oh gee, that's too bad. Oh. Oh, oh, yes sir. Yes, we'll do our very best, sir. Thank you. Hawk: What's up? Weismuller: Bad news. That satellite has gone haywire, and the scientists think it's going to fall to Earth somewhere around here. And the President wants us to find it before certain enemy powers get their mitts on it. Hawk: If we don't screw up on this one, it could mean promotion. We could go home, Weismuller. Home. Weismuller: Home. The wife. [SCENE_BREAK] Nostalgia Trips bus [SCENE_BREAK] Murray: Keep calm, folks. We're just experiencing a little technical difficulty. [SCENE_BREAK] Outside Shangri La [SCENE_BREAK] Murray: Oh, thanks, Doctor. We ran into this piece of space junk. What did you do? The Doctor: Well, I simply applied the TARDIS vortex drive to generate an antigravity spiral to halt your descent. Sorry about the bumpy landing. A miscalculation. Murray: We could sure use a guy like you at head office. The Doctor: The satellite seems to have jammed your navigational pod. Ah, hello, Mel. Nice trip? Murray: Hey, this doesn't look like Disneyland. The Doctor: No, well, according to my reckoning, it seems to be somewhere in, er, Wales. Murray: We've got to do something with all these people till we get the bus fixed. The Doctor: Maybe that series of primitive dwellings could be used as some sort of way station. Mel: It's a holiday camp. The Doctor: Excellent. Just what we're looking for. Mel: Oh, but Doctor, it looks. I don't know, it looks a bit grim. The Doctor: Oh, don't go by appearances, Mel. Often the most interesting people stay at these places. This is the real Fifties. [SCENE_BREAK] Shangri La [SCENE_BREAK] Burton: Oh, hello! Expected you hours ago. Trouble with the bus, is it? Oh, it happens all the time. Still, you're not far from the chalets. Murray: Do you mind if we rest at the camp until we get the bus shipshape? Burton: Mind, my dear boy? That is what we are here for. Welcome, campers. I am your camp leader while you are here at Shangri La. My name is Burton, and if there's anything you need, just ask. Follow me, isn't it. Murray: That's right, folks. Follow, er, Burton. He'll look after you until the cruiser's ready to roll. Thank you very much. Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Chalet area [SCENE_BREAK] Burton: Now, follow me. Welcome to Shangri La, where your dreams come true. Now, you will all be sharing cabins, but we all eat together. Over there is the dining hall with the shower block behind. Breakfast is at eight, lunch is at one, and supper is at six. Any questions? Splendid. Right, you two. Follow me and I'll show you to your chalet. [SCENE_BREAK] Mel and Delta's chalet [SCENE_BREAK] Burton: Right, you will find a list of our rules and regulations behind the door. Any questions? Splendid. Mel: Not that it really makes much difference, but which bed would you like? I don't really mind. One's about as good as the other. Look, I know it isn't like the brochure, but don't be too upset. Delta: How long are we in this place for? Mel: Till the bus is fixed. Delta: And then? Mel: Well, then it's off to Disneyland, I suppose. Delta: It might give me enough time. [SCENE_BREAK] Outside the chalets [SCENE_BREAK] Burton: Oh, look, your chalet is number one oh one in row Y. Oh, if you need any help with the bus, I'm sure our young mechanic will be pleased to assist. I'll see you at lunch, is it? Billy: Hi, I'm Billy. Murray: Murray. The Doctor: I'm the Doctor. Billy: Old man Burton said there was something wrong with your bus, is that right? Murray: Well, we hit this low orbital satellite, which jammed the navi-pod and here we are. [SCENE_BREAK] Mel and Delta's chalet [SCENE_BREAK] Mel: Look, I can see something's bothering you. Do you want to talk about it? Delta: No. [SCENE_BREAK] By the bus [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Ah, this is the cause of the problem. An extremely crude low orbital satellite capable only of the most rudimentary of radio transmissions. Murray: Ah, thanks, Doctor. I've got to fill in an accident report, otherwise head office will withdraw my licence. As it is, it's touch and go. Billy: I've never seen an engine like that. Murray: Yes, it's a Helstrom Fireball. Capable of warp five in a good tail wind. Billy: What exactly is it you want to do? The Doctor: Well, you see that navi-pod? It needs to be unbolted so we can replace the broken crystal. Billy: Right. The Doctor: Now, inside this box is the only Quarb crystal this side of Softel nebula. Murray: Thank goodness you came along, Doctor. Head office says it's my last chance to make good. The Doctor: Ah, well done. Now, carefully does it. Ray: Hi, Billy. Billy: Oh, hi, Rachel. This is Murray and the Doctor. Ray: Please call me Ray. Oh, do you guys want a hand? Murray: You haven't by chance got a one and five eights socket, have you? The Doctor: Do you always carry around a full set of tools with you? Ray: Oh, it's what Billy taught me, always to be prepared. The Doctor: A stitch in time fills up space. Murray: Oh! I've broken it! Your crystal. No licence, no job, no future. The Doctor: Well, if you think it might help, I could transport everyone in the TARDIS. Murray: No, thank you, Doctor. The captain never leaves his ship. The Doctor: Hmm. Well, there is another alternative. I could accelerate growth in the thermo-booster and create a crystal in about er, twenty four hours. Murray: That's fantastic. You've saved my life, Doctor. I can't see any problem staying here for twenty four hours. Ray: Oh, great. I'll see you all at the dance, then. Murray: A dance? With live music? Ray: Ah ha. Billy here plays great rock and roll. Murray: Sounds too good to miss. Ray: Okay. See you later, alligator. Murray: I love all that fifties talk. The Doctor: Yes. A most personable young lady. Practical, too. She seems very fond of you, Billy. Billy: She's all right. Like my little sister, you know. Now, if you don't need me for anything else, I think I'll go wash up for dinner. Murray: Oh, sounds like a good idea. All this spannering really works up an appetite. [SCENE_BREAK] Mel and Delta's chalet [SCENE_BREAK] Delta: What's that? Mel: It's the dinner gong. I think I'll finish unpacking later. I'll go and get something to eat. Delta: Can you be trusted? Mel: Yes, completely. Discretion's my middle name. I'll see you later. [SCENE_BREAK] Tollport G715 [SCENE_BREAK] Gavrok: Come on, son. Tell me her destination and I will let you live. Tollmaster: I can't. It's more than my job's worth. It's strictly confidential. Gavrok: I'm getting tired of this. Tell me now! Tollmaster: They were going, they were going to Disneyland, planet Earth. When they struck the satellite, they were blown off course. I don't know where. Gavrok: Can you not do better than that? Tollmaster: Honestly, I don't know. Gavrok: I can see that you have done your best. Let him go. Tollmaster: Thank you. Oh, thank you. Thank you, thank you, sir. Thank you, thank you gentlemen. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Gavrok: We've wasted enough time here. Plot a course for Earth. I want every informer throughout the galaxy to look for her. [SCENE_BREAK] Main hall [SCENE_BREAK] Mel: Doctor, there's something odd here. The Doctor: Well, it is home, for the moment. At least until the navi-pod's fixed. Personally speaking, I rather like it. Mel: I'm determined to try and enjoy myself if I can. The Doctor: Excellent. The Doctor: About your room mate. Mel: She's got a gun. She's very on edge. The Doctor: Have you managed to speak to her at all? Mel: Of course, but she's totally withdrawn. It makes me nervous. The Doctor: If she's who I think she is, then she's in danger. Mel: From someone here? The Doctor: That's what we've got to find out. Burton: Well, this is to remind you that tonight we are having our Get To Know You dance. All: Hooray! Burton: Everyone is most welcome, from eight till late. The Doctor: Try to get her to come to the dance. It might relax her, and then maybe she'll speak with us later on. Mel: I'll see what I can do. Billy: What do you think of it, Doctor? I built it myself from spare parts from the war. The Doctor: How appropriate. Billy: What? The Doctor: I said, for a primitive piece of technology it certainly delivers the decibels. Billy: That's what rock and roll's all about. Billy: Well, I never felt more like singing the blues, cos I never thought that I'd ever lose your love, dear. Why'd you do me this way? Murray: Hey, this is great. The 1950 nights back on Navarro were never like this. Billy: The dream is gone I thought was mine. Ray: See, Doctor? It's not as bad as all that, now, is it? The Doctor: Bad? No. Rather nice, in fact. Ray: Oh, let's go down to the front. I can't see Billy properly from here. The Doctor: Er, have you known each other long? Ray: Oh, since we were children. I even learnt all about motorbikes in the hope it'd make him notice me, but it doesn't seem to have made a blind bit of difference. The Doctor: Come on, let's go down to the front. Billy: Thanks, mates. And now, a romantic number from across the pond, for a very special lady in the audience. Why do fools fall in love. The Doctor: I was wondering, Ray, if... Ray: Thank you, Doctor, I'd love to. [SCENE_BREAK] Welsh countryside [SCENE_BREAK] Weismuller: Throw some more wood on the fire, Hawk. Hawk: Why don't you, Weismuller? Weismuller: Because you're nearer to the flap, Hawk. Go on, go on, go on, get out of here. Hawk: I'll get you, Weismuller. I'll get you. [SCENE_BREAK] Outside the main hall [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Great dance. Murray: Oh, it's hot in there. The Doctor: Ah, you Navarinos have a notoriously high metabolic rate. Murray: That hula hoop competition nearly finished me off. The Doctor: Excuse me, Murray. Murray: Hey, you'll miss the last dance, Doctor! [SCENE_BREAK] Laundry store [SCENE_BREAK] Ray: Oh, hi. I was just, er... Ray: Oh, Doctor, am I being a fool? Billy didn't even offer to take me home. The Doctor: There, there. There's many a slap twixt a cup and a lap, Ray. Ray: But somehow I always thought Billy and me would end up together. Oh, it shows how wrong you can be. Oh, listen to me. Ray: We're not supposed to be in here. Keillor: Connect me with the Bannerman leader. Gavrok (O.C.): Gavrok here. Go ahead. Keillor: I understand you're offering a reward for the Chimeron queen. Gavrok (O.C.): Affirmative. One million units. Keillor: I've found her. Repeat, I've found her. Gavrok (O.C.): What is your status? Keillor: I'm a soldier of fortune. Now, do you want to trade or not? Gavrok (O.C.): Affirmative. Keillor: She's at a place called Shangri La, in South Wales, Western Hemisphere, Earth. Now lock into this signal to guide you in. Gavrok (O.C.): The reward will be yours when we arrive. End transmission. [SCENE_BREAK] Mel and Delta's chalet [SCENE_BREAK] Delta: Thank you. Mel: What for? Delta: For lending me your dress. For making an effort to be kind. Mel: Oh, I'd help anyone in trouble, if I could. Delta: Mel, there's something you should know. Delta: My baby. My beautiful baby. [SCENE_BREAK] Laundry store [SCENE_BREAK] Keillor: What an unexpected bonus. You're the traveller in time they call the Doctor. Your death will make me richer still. The Doctor: If you kill for money, let the girl go. She's worth nothing to you. Keillor: I don't just kill for money. It's also something I enjoy.

Plan: A: 1959; Q: What year did the Doctor and Mel win a trip to Disneyland? A: space; Q: Where does the accident occur? A: South Wales; Q: Where do the Doctor and Mel end up instead of Disneyland? A: his intended victim; Q: Who is the assassin after? Summary: The Doctor and Mel win a trip to Disneyland in 1959 but after an accident in space, they end up in South Wales instead, along with an assassin and his intended victim...

In Emma's bedroom Emma: How could you even think of having an abortion?! Spike: It's a woman's choice. Emma: What about the baby's choice? Spike: I'm not gonna debate this with you. It's my decision Em. Emma: What about Snake? Spike: Of course. He'd be a part of it. Emma: Yeah like he's a part of it right now. Spike: Emma you're way out of line. Emma: What do you expect me to say? Spike: Maybe something supportive. Emma: If you had an abortion the first time, I wouldn't be here. Spike: Well if you were in my shoes and made this mistake a second time- (Emma storms off angry.) Spike: Em. No! I didn't mean it that way. Outside Joey's house, JT and Toby are dressed all in black JT: Okay Fancy probably won't be on for a while, but we'll have to stay awake, okay? Toby: Yeah. Yeah okay. I'll take first shift. You take second. JT: Deal. Toby: What if we get caught? JT: We won't and even if we do, what are we doing wrong? Toby: I don't know. Invasion of privacy? JT: Toby she's a stripper! Privacy isn't in her vocabulary. Toby: Yeah I guess you're right. She is taking off her clothes. JT: And she's getting paid. Toby: I just wish we were inside. JT: I know. We'll still be closer than either of us have come to seeing a real live naked woman. Toby: Except for that time when you walked in on your grandma in the shower. JT: We both agreed that never happened! Toby: Right. JT: Come on. Toby: Go, go, go, go, go! (They sneak over to the house and hook up their camera.) Toby: Time to test out the Fancy cam. (They turn on the camera and see Mr. Raditch.) JT: Raditch! Toby: Raditch! (They both scream.) JT: Turn it off. Turn it off! Toby: Sorry. JT: Why is he there? Inside Joey's house Mr. Simpson: It's getting late. I thought we were heading to the bowling alley? Guest: Oh you were serious about the bowling alley? Mr. Simpson: What? Bowling's fun! Mr. Raditch: Archie my man this is your stag, I want you to get into it! Mr. Simpson: Right Mr. Raditch. Mr. Raditch: And I mean right now and it's Dan tonight. Oh cheese balls! In Emma's bedroom Manny: I'm sure she didn't mean it. Emma: She said 'same mistake twice'. Manny: Yeah, but she didn't have an abortion. Emma: So? Manny: So you were wanted. Emma: Okay fine. Whatever, but this isn't about me. It's about my future half-brother, or sister, and what about Snake? Manny: Emma. Emma: I mean here we are debating abortion and he doesn't even know she's pregnant. What if she doesn't tell him? Manny: Do not even think of interfering! Emma: Don't worry. I'm not that stupid. Manny: Good. So let's get some sleep because- (She plays with a stuffed animal and talks in a funny voice.) Manny: -tomorrow's gonna be a long and wonderful day. Outside Joey's house, Fancy knocks at the door Joey: Hold on. Guys the party's started. Craig: No. No! (Craig and Joey race to the door.) Fancy: Hi. Craig and Joey: Hey. Fancy: You Snake? Craig: Why uh yes I am. Joey: No you're not. Craig: Come on! Joey: Go upstairs. Go upstairs now. Hi. (She walks inside and the guys start clapping.) Joey: Uh that's Snake right over there. Mr. Simpson: Jeremiah. Joey: It's your party man. Have fun! Fancy: So, Snake. (JT and Toby are shown outside asleep and their video feed falls apart.) At Emma's house, Spike and Caitlin are talking downstairs Caitlin: Emma doesn't hate you. Spike: If you could've seen the look in her eyes. What was I thinking? Caitlin: Yeah, but you've just been thrown for a major loop. You got to cut yourself some slack. Spike: I need to talk to Archie. Caitlin: Uh not tonight though, right? Bachelor party. Not in a state to hear this. Spike: He needs to know. Caitlin: And you need to get yourself together, alright? Call him in the morning. It can wait. (They hug.) Caitlin: It's gonna be okay. In Emma's bedroom, Manny is sleeping and Emma is laying awake (Emma gets up and starts walking outside in her pajamas over to Joey's house. She bumps into JT and Toby.) Toby: Ahh! Emma: Ahh! Toby: Ahh! Emma: What are you two doing here? JT: Seeing a stripper...and you? Joey: Surprise, surprise. Come here. Come here both of you. Where are you going? Get in the house. Both of you. Do you know what time it is? (Joey, JT and Toby go inside, while Emma and Mr. Simpson stay outside.) Emma: Mr. Simpson, we need to talk. Joey: Your parents must be worried sick. JT: My parents? What about us? We missed Fancy. How do you think we feel? Joey: Do you think I care? But I'm sure your parents will. I want you both to stay right there. Don't get in any trouble. I'm taking you both home. Mr. Simpson: Emma, is everything okay? Emma: I don't even know how to say this. Mr. Simpson: Well try because you're giving me a heart attack. Emma: Mom is pregnant and she's thinking of having an abortion. Mr. Simpson: I'm worried about a stripper and she's pregnant. Emma: Snake please just listen. Mr. Simpson: Emma why are you here? Why are you here telling me this? Emma: Because you need to know! Mr. Simpson: Why you? Why not your mom? Why not your mom?! (Emma starts crying and doesn't say anything.) Mr. Simpson: I'm sorry. Really what kind of family is this? You wait here and Joey will drive you home. At Emma's house, Spike is on the phone Spike: This is just great. It's my wedding day and the groom has disappeared. He's not at his apartment or at Joey's. He's not answering his cell. (Mr. Simpson rushes into the house.) Spike: I've been trying to reach you. Mr. Simpson: But not yesterday, not last night. No, right because it was Emma that was looking for me. Spike: What? Mr. Simpson: How does information travel in this family? Oh right! Every which way except from you to me! Spike: Emma! Mr. Simpson: No! Not Emma! This is about you and me! How could you not tell me that you were pregnant? Spike: We need to talk, but we are not doing it here. Mr. Simpson: We are gonna talk about this right now. Spike: Not here! Outside, Joey and Manny are playing with helium balloons Joey: (Singing with helium) Everybody wants something, they'll never give up. Everybody wants something. Caitlin: Hey Em! Manny: (With helium) That's a dumb song. Caitlin: It's save the hair time. If we're gonna do this come on inside. Joey: (With helium) I'll give you the shirt off my back. Caitlin: Hey come on. I know things looks bad, but we gotta keep going as if the wedding's happening. Emma: As if it's happening, which means its not. Caitlin: Hey come on. We don't know that. Emma: Just forget it. I've ruined everything. Manny: Emma, stop being a baby. Just get ready for the wedding. Emma: Manny, mind your own business. Manny: Oh that's funny. Didn't I tell you the same thing last night? Emma: I did what I felt was right. Manny: Yesterday you freaked because I talked to Sean. What you did was so much worse. Emma: Well gee Manny thanks for the support. What a best friend you are! Caitlin: Guys. Joey: Hey, hey, hey ladies. Ladies take it easy. Everything's gonna be fine. I know it. (Emma leaves and Manny kicks Joey's car angrily.) Joey: Hey! Caitlin: (With helium) Don't hit the car. Outside, by a pier Spike: I just found out yesterday. Mr. Simpson: Then you should have come to me. Spike: I know. Mr. Simpson: To hear it from Emma and an abortion! Spike: Do you really think I'd send Emma in the middle of the night to break the news to you?! Mr. Simpson: You know sometimes it's like you and Emma are the couple, not you and me. Spike: She's my daughter. You can't expect that I'll just change our relationship. Mr. Simpson: Of course not, but if this is gonna work then some things have to stay private. Spike: I don't like secrets Snake. Mr. Simpson: Neither do I. Trust me. You sure you're not having doubts? Spike: Archie... Mr. Simpson: This all happened pretty fast. Spike: We've known each other since junior high. Mr. Simpson: Yeah as friends. Maybe we're supposed to keep it that way. Outside Sean's house, Tracker is looking through a magazine Tracker: Man these wrestlers today. (He sees a hot girl on one of the pages.) Tracker: Oh Sean you got to check this out man. Sean: She's nice... (Tracker sees Emma and quickly closes the magazine.) Tracker: Hey Emma. Sean: Emma. Great. Emma: Sean I've ruined everything. Sean: What are you talking about? Emma: I interfered and I ruined everything and I don't even think the wedding's gonna happen and everyone is going to hate me. Sean: Emma, you interfering...it's nothing new. Did people ever hate you for it? Emma: Maybe behind my back. Sean: No. Never. So don't worry about it. It'll all work out. Emma: I really, really hope so. Sean! What about what I did to you? It was... (Tracker shows the magazine picture to Sean behind Emma's back and Sean glares at him.) Sean: It sucked, alright? Manny should have never invited me. Emma: I know. I should have. Sean if the wedding does happen, the party starts at 3. Sean: Thanks. Emma! What happened to your hair? (She points her finger at him jokingly as a warning and leaves.) Sean: You're, you're an idiot. Tracker: So um I take it, change of plans today? Outside the wedding Joey: Where is the bride? Caitlin: No bride, no groom. Joey: No bridesmaid either. [SCENE_BREAK] Inside the wedding Toby: How bad did your parents bust you? JT: On a scale of 1-10...136. Yeah I'm grounded 'til doomsday. Toby: Me too. If I wasn't an usher Kate wouldn't have let me out of the house. Craig: Hey! JT: Oh look who it is. You here to steal another one of our brilliant ideas, Craig? Craig: No. I'm here to tell you that someone very fancy, just pulled up. JT: Fancy? Craig: Yeah. Fancy. (Fancy walks in and the boys rush over to her.) JT: Madam! You're here for the groom? Fancy: No the bride. Christine does my hair. JT: Oh very good. Right this way. Fancy: Oh thank you. Toby: He gets lost easily. Allow me. Fancy: Oh thank you. JT: No. No me. Toby: No really. JT: Okay. Toby: Okay that's enough JT. Some guy: I got it. Outside the wedding Lucy: Spike's just late as usual. Caitlin: Yeah, nothing to worry about...right? Joey: Oh I just hope I can get my money back for this suit. Caitlin: Ha! Lucy: Joey! Emma: Hey are they here yet? Caitlin: Not yet, but I'm glad you're here. Emma: Sorry about earlier. Joey: Sorry about the hair. Caitlin: Lucy if it's humanly possible could you please try and do something about this hair? Lucy: Sure. Come on Emma. Outside. On the pier Mr. Simpson: I just can't understand how it happened. Spike: You were there. Mr. Simpson: I mean you're on the pill. Spike: Yeah, which is 98% effective. Mr. Simpson: So we're just in the unlucky 2%. Great. Spike: Some couples would think of this as a blessing. It's too bad you're against kids. Mr. Simpson: I never said that. Spike: How about yesterday? You said you have too much on your plate. Mr. Simpson: Yeah I do. I've got a lot going on right now. I'm moving in. I'm gonna be a husband and a step-dad and I got a lot- Spike: A lot of adjusting. I know, but life doesn't wait for you to get adjusted Snake. It just happens! I mean look at Emma. She couldn't have come at a worse time, but was it a mistake to have her? No! I wouldn't trade her for anything. Mr. Simpson: You're right. You're absolutely right. It's hard to believe there's a little one growing in there. Spike: There is. She or he is gonna be beautiful. Mr. Simpson: So which one of us doesn't want to have this baby anyways? At the church Priest: It is a bit late. Emma: They'll be here any second. Priest: Well we have another wedding coming in here in an hour. I'm afraid if they're not here soon we're going to have to reschedule. Joey: No, they'll be here. Not to worry. Emma it'll be fine. They'll make it. (Emma walks outside the church and sees them running.) Emma: Ahh! Spike: Emma! Mr. Simpson: Hey. Emma: Mom! Snake! Spike: We've got a wedding to go to. Mr. Simpson: Come on we're getting married! (They rush inside and everyone cheers.) During the wedding Priest: Do you Christine Nelson take Archibald Rupert Simpson to be your lawfully wedded husband? Spike: I do. Priest: And do you Archibald Rupert Simpson take Christine Nelson as your lawfully wedded wife? Mr. Simpson: I do. Priest: Then by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. (They kiss and everyone starts cheering.) At the wedding reception Spike: Connie! You made it. Fancy: Of course I made it. I wouldn't miss it for the world. Spike: This is my husband Archie. Fancy: Archie, huh? Funny, don't look like an Archie to me. Congrats. Spike: Honey, is everything okay? Mr. Simpson: Uh, no. Spike: What is it? Mr. Simpson: I um,...uh how do I say this? Joey sort of arranged for a stripper to come to the stag. As a matter of fact it was Fancy...Connie! (Spike starts laughing.) Mr. Simpson: You're not mad. Spike: Fancy can do what she wants with her body. It's her business. Mr. Simpson: What a relief. Spike: Wait a second. I'm cool with how Fancy makes her living. Mr. Simpson: I sense a but coming. Spike: But I'm not cool with my husband being one of those pathetic losers who goes to strippers, especially when I know the stripper. Gross! Mr. Simpson: Point taken. Never again. Spike: Wait a minute. What if people find out? Mr. Simpson: Well they won't. It'll be our little secret. Spike: That's what you think. Girls! Mr. Simpson: No, no, no, no. Don't! Don't! Don't! Spike: It's time to toss the bouquet. Come on. Who will be the lucky girl? (Spike tosses her bouquet and Joey ends up catching it.) Joey: Looks like I'm the lucky girl! Mr. Simpson: Wicked catch. Caitlin: Sorry. Joey: What? Caitlin: That actually has to be caught by a girl. Joey: But I had so many plans. Excuse me, do you mind putting that down for me? Thank you. Caitlin: Do tell. Joey: I will, but uh you have to dance with me first. Caitlin: Well alright! Joey: Alright. Caitlin: Alright then. So demanding. (Joey and Caitlin start dancing, Toby and Fancy start dancing until JT tries to cut in, Craig and Manny are dancing and Emma sees Sean standing by himself.) Emma: Hey. Sean: Hey. Uh it's a slow song and you're not dancing. Emma: No one really caught my interest. Sean: Oh. How 'bout now? Emma: I'd love to. (Emma and Sean start dancing together and kiss.)

Plan: A: Emma; Q: Who is having the worst hair day ever? A: their old friends; Q: Who is Emma preparing for the wedding with? A: Snake and Spike's wedding; Q: What is the name of the wedding? A: children; Q: What does Snake not want to have? A: an abortion; Q: What does Emma contemplate getting? A: their relationship; Q: What does Emma want to salvage? A: Sean; Q: Who does Manny invite to the wedding? A: Mr. Simpson's bachelor's party; Q: What party do J.T. and Toby want to see a stripper at? Summary: Emma and their old friends prepare for Snake and Spike's wedding, but nothing seems to be going right at all. After finding out that Snake doesn't want to have children, she is later surprised to find out she is pregnant and contemplates getting an abortion in order to salvage their relationship. Meanwhile, Emma is having the worst hair day ever and grows more upset when Manny invites Sean to the wedding when she had specifically said he wasn't someone to invite. Also, J.T. and Toby want to see the stripper at Mr. Simpson's bachelor's party.

"The Crank in the Shaft" [SCENE_BREAK] TEASER (Open: Several people are waiting to get into an elevator. It arrives, the doors open and they flood in.) VOICE #1: Excuse me. VOICE#2: Excuse me. VOICE#3: Six, please. VOICE#4: He got it. (A man pushes a button again.) VOICE #5: Somebody already pushed it. (Hamid Hirani approaches the elevator and sticks his arm between the doors as they start to close. He steps inside.) HAMID: Sorry about that. (The doors close and Hamid takes a drink of a coffee he apparently purchased outside of work. Chip Yap notices and comments.) CHIP: Is our coffee machine still broken? HAMID: It was on Friday and I couldn't chance it. CHRISTINE GERTIN: Well, I filled out a 1612 repair authorization for office equipment under two hundred dollars, but I never heard back. (Ted Russo has ear buds in his ears, apparently listening to music.) TED: Man, this guitar is bitchin'. (The elevator opens and a few people leave.) VOICE #1: Sorry. VOICE #2: Excuse me. (Gary Flannery looks back at Chip.) GARY: How's the third quarter P&L? CHIP: I processed a stack of orders and returns with Patty on Friday. She was still reviewing them when I left. (Hamid takes another drink of coffee and everyone in the elevator begins sniffing, as if they smell something foul. They look at each other accusingly and then the elevator begins to shake and the lights flicker.) CHRISTINE: Oh my God, what's going on? (The elevator begins to fall rapidly and then comes to an abrupt stop. The ceiling tiles fall and a human leg wearing a high heel on its foot falls to the ground. Everyone looks sick.) (Cut to: Dr. Lance Sweet's office at the FBI Building. Special Agent Seeley Booth and Dr. Temperance Brennan are sitting on the couch across from Sweets and Booth's leg is bouncing up and down repeatedly.) SWEETS: The conscious mind represents only one-sixth of our brain's activity. Now, I want you to both appreciate the power of the subconscious and our quests for its secrets as we... BRENNAN: Stop! SWEETS: Dr. Brennan, you can't dismiss over a hundred years of psychological research. BRENNAN: I'm not even actually listening. (She brings her hand down on his knee to stop him from bouncing it. He then bounces the other and she puts her hand on that one, too.) Your leg has not stopped moving since we started this session. (To Sweets.) Something you should have noticed. SWEETS: I assumed he was anxious to leave, as he is every session. BOOTH: Yeah, well, that's not it. Okay, a guy at work, Special Agent Graham Kelton died last week. SWEETS: I'm so sorry. BRENNAN: That's awful, Booth. Were you good friends? BOOTH: No, he was a creep. SWEETS: Oh. So, then your agitation comes from...? BOOTH: Kelton had the best desk chair in the office building, alright? Lumbar support, cushioned arms, Macintosh oak finish. SWEETS: And? BOOTH: And I want it. I put a request in, but so have all the other agents. I mean, this is one sweet chair. BRENNAN: You are anxious that you won't get a dead man's chair? BOOTH: Right. Mine, it won't even recline anymore. Get this: Charlie Baron, okay, he'd been putting a request in to Human Resources even when Kelton was on his deathbed. Alright, is that low or what? Hey, Bones, maybe you can write me a doctor's note saying that I need the chair. BRENNAN: What? BOOTH: Yeah, something along the lines, that I got, like, a bad back, and the extra lumbar support could enhance my job performance. BRENNAN: I'm not a medical doctor. (Booth looks to Sweets.) SWEETS: The answer's no. You're obviously trying to enhance your status with your coworkers by acquiring something that they all covet. BRENNAN: You want a throne. BOOTH: Back support, okay? I'm just looking for a little back support. SWEETS: Perhaps you've been feeling inadequate at work lately. Compensating in this... (Booth's phone ring and he answers it.) BOOTH: Booth. Right, be right there. Well, got a case. See ya! BRENNAN: (Stands with Booth.) Okay. SWEETS: (As Booth and Brennan are leaving.) Agent Booth, I really think that we're touching on something important... BRENNAN: Thank you. (She shuts the door and they both exit.) (Sweets sits back in his chair with a sigh, and then appears to be testing the back support of his own chair.) (Cut to: Booth and Brennan are walking toward the office building where the leg was found.) BOOTH: If I could help you get a better chair, I would. BRENNAN: Thank you, but if I wanted a better office chair, I'd just buy one myself. BOOTH: No, no, that's not how it works, Bones. When you work for The Man he buys all the office furniture. BRENNAN: Which man? BOOTH: You're kidding me, right? There's no actual man. BRENNAN: Then who buys the office furniture? BOOTH: Never mind, Bones. Just never mind. (Cut to: Booth and Brennan cutting their way through a crowd of people to the elevator where Dr. Cam Saroyan is already examining the leg.) BOOTH: Excuse us. BRENNAN: Sorry. So sorry. BOOTH: Coming through, that's it. Watch out. Whoa, whoa. Look at that. Hey Cam, you're a real doctor. Maybe you could, do a pal a favor and write me a note for my back. CAM: The chair? BOOTH: Well, yeah, this is a chance for you to be, um, creative. (Brennan steps into the elevator with Cam.) BRENNAN: Tell us about the leg. CAM: Given the pump, female victim. The skin elasticity, what's left of it, indicates she was probably between twenty and forty years old. BRENNAN: Striations on the bone suggests the flesh was scraped away. CAM: And the remaining soft tissue appears to have been scavenged. (Hamid takes a picture of Brennan and Cam with his camera phone.) BOOTH: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you thinkin'? Huh? A little respect. HAMID: I wasn't taking a photo of the leg. I was taking her picture. (To Cam.) You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in the elevator. BOOTH: Back up there. (To the security guards.) Take-take him out of here. Take care of him. BRENNAN: (Laughing.) Did you find anything besides the leg? (Cam points up.) (Cut to: The elevator shaft, Brennan and Cam are standing on top of the elevator and Booth pops his head up through the trap door.) BRENNAN: The remains are smeared along the entire length of the hoist way. BOOTH: Oh. Oh wow. God, that, that's nasty. CAM: I'm gonna need a spatula to scrape off all the flesh and the organs. BRENNAN: The bones are in hundreds of pieces. I want them bagged. CAM: Judging from the amount of putrefactive liquid on top of the car, she landed here first, wedging up against the shaft. BOOTH: So when it went up and down, she... Oh, that's not good. That's bad. That's not good. (He disappears down the trap door.) CAM: I don't see any hemorrhagic tissue. Victim was most likely dead before she was put in here. BRENNAN: Well, fracturing indicates she was dropped from quite a height. (Cam and Brennan sweep the beams of their flashlights up the shaft for quite a ways.) (Cut to: Building Manager Stan Nokes leading Booth, Brennan and Cam toward the machine room on the roof of the building.) NOKES: It's the machine room. It has the control system for the elevator. BOOTH: Who has access to this room? NOKES: Only maintenance, but they only unlock it when the elevator is serviced. BOOTH: (Knocks the door open with his elbow.) Lock's been jimmied. NOKES: I don't know how this happened. I run a safe building. CAM: Right, except for the mangled dead woman. (Cam, Brennan, Booth and Nokes enter the machine room.) NOKES: It's the first unit. Those cables raise and lower the cars. BOOTH: (Pulls a grate up from a small opening in the floor.) Look at this. Okay. So you think the victim's body could have been, you know, pushed down there? CAM: It's pretty small. But I've seen bodies carried down storm drains narrower than that. BRENNAN: Who tries to hide a body by throwing it down an elevator shaft? BOOTH: (Looks down and sees the butt of a marijuana joint.) Ah-hah, someone who's toasted. CAM: (Pulls a pair of tweezers from her utility belt and leans down to pick up the joint.) A joint, huh. I can get DNA from the paper. BRENNAN: Marijuana doesn't make you a killer. BOOTH: Yeah, well it makes you stupid. CAM: Stupid enough to jam someone down an elevator shaft? ACT ONE (Open: Medico-Legal Lab Platform. Dr. Jack Hodgins and the newest intern, Colin Fisher are on the platform, Fisher is pushing a cart full of brown paper bags marked with evidence tape.) FISHER: Sad. Woman's whole life reduced to a bunch of glorified sandwich bags. HODGINS: Not the woman's life, Fisher, just her body. Big difference. FISHER: Whatever gets you through the day. (Cam enters.) CAM: What have we got? HODGINS: Her clothes are shredded and covered in particulates. Still sorting through it all. I'm pulling traces to run through the GC Mass Spec. CAM: Well, I've got the when. (Walks over to a computer and pulls up some information.) Vitreous humor from an eyeball confirms time of death sometime between Friday night and Saturday morning. And, her final meal was lettuce, yogurt, chicken and pita. HODGINS: A gyro. CAM: Most likely. I've got them checking Greek restaurants in the neighborhood. Maybe someone made a delivery to her office. FISHER: Dead before the fall. Wish we knew how she died. CAM: Tox screen came back negative. No drugs, no poison, not even caffeine. HODGINS: So, ball's in your court, Fisher. FISHER: Dr. Brennan left me with exactly one thousand, two-hundred and sixty-three bone fragments, each one screaming pain, violence and hopelessness. So how about cutting me a little slack? CAM: The job gets easier with time, Mr. Fisher. Any leads on who she is? FISHER: The hot chick is doing a sketch from the few pieces of skull I could locate and reconstruct. CAM: Hot chick? FISHER: Sorry. The other hot chick. HODGINS: (Pulls a bow from the pieces of evidence on an exam table.) It's a bow. With hair. It's brown. Natural colors. (He holds it out to Cam who just looks at it.) It might help Angela with her sketch. CAM: Right. You should give it to her. HODGINS: I'm kind of busy. CAM: And I'm kind of your boss. (Hodgins exits.) CAM: Anything else, Mr. Fisher? FISHER: I also found hairline impact fissures on the lateral epicondyle. CAM: And? FISHER: My grad thesis explored the effect of falls on human bone. I got the idea at my summer job. CAM: I'm afraid to ask. FISHER: Suicide hotline. CAM: Were you... for or against? (Cut to: Angela Montenegro's office. Angela is sitting in a chair with a dummy in front of her with pieces of a skull attached to it. Hodgins is bringing the bow to her.) HODGINS: Hey, I got a bow for you. ANGELA: Look, Hodgins, we both decided it's over. I don't want any gifts. HODGINS: Um, the bow's from the victim. ANGELA: Oh, right. Sorry. That's helpful, that bow. HODGINS: How's it coming? ANGELA: Well, according to my sketch, the victim was a model for Picasso. HODGINS: (Laughs) Like it. ANGELA: Mr. Cheerful is putting more pieces together for me. HODGINS: That's a good idea. Just so you know, I'm cool. You and I, we work together, and... and that's it. ANGELA: Great. We're two professionals. HODGINS: Yep, two professionals. ANGELA: I should finish this, 'cause this is... HODGINS: Yeah, yeah, you know, and I've got lots to do. I mean, lots. So...okay. ANGELA: Okay. (Cut to: Fisher and Cam on the platform.) FISHER: From the impact fissures, I'd estimate her fall was from at least sixty meters. CAM: Okay, first of all, I doubt even Dr. Brennan could discover that from impact fissures alone. FISHER: My thesis got me here. Ask her. CAM: And second, that doesn't indicate what floor she fell from 'cause the elevator car could have been on any floor in the building when she landed on it. FISHER: But since it's a sixteen story building, at about ten feet per floor... CAM: Eleven or twelve if you count the space between floors. FISHER: Right. That's 252 feet. That gives us 76.8 meters, a difference of about 17 meters. That's... CAM: Fifty-two feet. FISHER: Meaning she had to fall from the top floor or the machine room above it. CAM: Very impressive, Mr. Fisher. FISHER: Well, I'll still end up like her one day. CAM: You ever think of finding a girlfriend, Mr. Fisher? FISHER: I've got one. Jill. (He pulls out his wallet and shows Cam a picture of Jill) CAM: She's very beautiful. FISHER: Yes. Now. (Cut to: Booth and Brennan walking down a hall in the office building conversing.) BOOTH: Patty Hoyle, she's one of the people who didn't check into the building. BRENNAN: Angela's sketch matches the picture on her ID card. Wait, so Cam is actually going to write you a letter so you can get the chair? BOOTH: That's right. She understands how the game is played. BRENNAN: She worked for the same man as you. BOOTH: That's right. BRENNAN: The man who doesn't exist. BOOTH: Wow. Can you imagine working in a place like this? BRENNAN: No. It's not sterile, and there's no room for diagnostic equipment or sufficient bone storage. BOOTH: Bones, I meant the little cubicles. Look, they look like caged animals. BRENNAN: Throughout history, you can find examples of human beings adapting to virtually any environment. Like you and the chair. BOOTH: Me? You're way off base. (They come to Christine's desk and she is answering multiple phone lines and putting them on hold.) CHRISTINE: Ziff-Young. Hold the line, please. Ziff-Young. Hold the line, please. Ziff-Young. Hold the line, please. Ziff-Young. Hold the line, please. (Booth pulls out his badge and flashes it at her. She stops answering the phone.) BOOTH: Thank you. CHRISTINE: Did you find out who it was? The whole building's been wondering. I was there, you know, in the elevator. It was horrible. BOOTH: Slow down, okay? (He pulls out the badge of Patty Hoyle and shows it to Christine.) Did this woman show up for work? CHRISTINE: Oh, Patty. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Patty? Really? It's Patty, Chip. It was Patty in the elevator. (Chip walks over from a nearby cubicle.) CHIP: Oh, man. BRENNAN: We still have to verify identity with dental records. CHIP: Hey, everybody? CHRISTINE: Oh, my God. CHIP: It was Patty. (Hamid stands up.) HAMID: No, not Patty. Pretty Patty? BOOTH: Could you just keep it quiet, please? (Gary steps out of a door and looks around.) GARY: What's going on? What about Patty? (Cut to: Patty's cubicle. Gary is showing them her desk.) GARY: This is Patty's area, right over here. Patty decorated the place herself. Even painted the frogs. BOOTH: Lot of frogs. GARY: Well, she was just that kind of person. BRENNAN: One who was adjusted to an impersonal workplace. Nice chair. BOOTH: We're going to have to look in her computer. GARY: Whatever you need. It's all company property. I can get you the password. BRENNAN: So you saw her last Friday? GARY: She was still here when I left, yeah. Working late as usual. She...she was the best office manager you can imagine. BRENNAN: See? Booth? Some people accept their position as a drone. BOOTH: Are you calling me a drone? BRENNAN: It's not a pejorative statement, without the drones, the hive would die. BOOTH: Anyone else wok here late? GARY: Are you kidding? I mean , when that clock hits 6:00, it's like the running of the bulls, especially on Friday. BOOTH: Did Patty have any enemies? GARY: Well, we all have to break a few eggs to make an omelet. BOOTH: Do you know if she caught any of your employees smoking marijuana? GARY: Marijuana? No. BOOTH: So, no history of drug use here? GARY: Ted Russo was arrested last year for smoking pot at a concert in the park, but he is a good worker. He promised me he hasn't touched the stuff since. (Cut to: Employee break room where Ted is making a peanut butter and berry loops sandwich. Booth and Brennan enter to question him with Gary.) GARY: Ted? TED: (Mouth full) Yeah? Well, hey, what's up? GARY: Ted, the leg found in the elevator? It was Patty. TED: Oh, dude. GARY: Agent Booth and Dr. Brennan would like to ask you a few questions. BOOTH: Hi, Ted. (Ted stands) We found the remnants of a joint in the room where Patty could have been pushed into the elevator shaft. TED: I don't smoke, man. Yeah, my eyes look like this cause I have allergies. (Sniffs) BRENNAN: We pulled DNA from the saliva on the cigarette paper. TED: Really? BRENNAN: Mmmhmm. And we can get a court order to take a sample from you. (He looks back and forth between Booth and Brennan. Booth nods at him.) TED: All right, sure. I smoke a little weed. Wouldn't you? Locked up in these veal pens all day, you know, collating invoices. I'm an artist, man. But my dad cut me off, so without this place I'd starve to death. BOOTH: What happened Ted? Patty catch you? Threaten to fire you and you killed her? Ted, if you think these cubicles are small, wait til you see the inside of a cell, pal. (Cut to: FBI Interrogation Room. Booth is questioning Ted further.) TED: How many times do I have to say it? I didn't kill Patty. BOOTH: Would you call her a friend? TED: She was the office manager, man. Eyes always on me, you know? (Imitates Patty's voice) "Why are you using so many envelopes, Russo?" "Gee, like, maybe 'cause I'm sending out letters?" But I didn't kill her. BOOTH: Did you think she was a bitch? TED: What? BOOTH: Right there, you see that? (Booth pulls out a picture of a red car with the word "BITCH" carved into the side) That's Patty's car. "Bitch" Is that an example of your artwork? TED: No, I didn't do that. BOOTH: We found your roach in the elevator machine room, where we also found parts of Patty's body crushed in the hoist way. We found two weeks worth of invoices that you hadn't completed. Maybe Patty caught you, you keyed her car, you went back to the machine room for a quick toke and to chill. Patty walks in on you, she catches you, threatens your job...You kill her. TED: Dude, you are so off base. BOOTH: Let me have your keys. TED: Why? BOOTH: Is that a "no"? 'Cause I'll just go get a court order. (Ted hands over his keys.) BOOTH: Oh, look at that. Thanks for your cooperation. That wasn't too hard. ACT TWO (Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab, Brennan's office. Brennan is looking at fragments of bone on her computer. Angela walks in.) BRENNAN: That depressed intern is quite clever. His analysis of the impact fissures supports Booth's theory of where the body was dropped. ANGELA: Great. I don't know how to act around Hodgins. BRENNAN: I beg your pardon? ANGELA: We just ended a relationship that was intense, both emotionally and sexually. (Sits down in a chair across from Brennan's desk.) Now rather than intense we're just... plain tense. We don't look at each other, everything is fraught with meaning. (Brennan stares at her, not saying anything.) Brennan, you're supposed to say something. BRENNAN: Oh, I'm sorry. What am I supposed to say? ANGELA: Something that will make me feel better. BRENNAN: Oh, huh. Um, well, both Hodgins and you mean a lot to me, but since you're my best friend, I...I guess I could fire Hodgins. ANGELA: What? No. Huh? I...I don't want you to fire him. BRENNAN: That's good, cause I would have disliked doing that. ANGELA: Yeah, of course. Thank you, though, for the offer. It was...it was very sweet. BRENNAN: So, I helped? ANGELA: Oh, absolutely, sweetie. Thank you, it was... (gives her a thumbs up. Brennan looks pleased with herself.) (Cut to: An exam room at the Medico-Legal Lab. Booth walks in looking for Cam.) BOOTH: Cam? Hi, listen, I appreciate the doctor's note, but you can't send it in. CAM: Too late, that's just a copy. BOOTH: This note, it makes me sound like an invalid. CAM: You want the chair, don't you? BOOTH: No, I want to keep my job. Hello? "Agent Booth suffers from multi-level disc disease with herniation of the L4-5 disc, producing rad-i-cu-ular..." CAM: Radicular. BOOTH: "...radicular pain in a sciatic distribution." This letter is going to get me a gurney, not a chair. CAM: I'm a coroner. Tell them... I confused you with a corpse. BOOTH: Am I the only one taking this seriously? CAM: You are now. (Booth exits.) You're welcome. (Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab platform. Hodgins is working at a computer and Fisher walks over to speak with him.) FISHER: You look bummed. HODGINS: What? No. It's just... sometimes answers pose more questions than they answer. FISHER: Thus the melancholy. HODGINS: Did you discover cause of death yet? FISHER: Life, man. Life is always the cause of death. HODGINS: Okay, now you're just a tool. Why are you here? FISHER: Well, I was hoping you could maybe give me a little inspiration, being a mentor and all. HODGINS: All I have are the facts, man. Initial particulate analysis shows a thin layer of styrene acrylate copolymer on her sweater. It's copier toner. FISHER: She worked in an office. She probably got dirty changing a cartridge. HODGINS: She was an office manager wearing a cashmere sweater. I doubt changing the cartridge was her responsibility, not to mention, the toner dust was all over her front and back. FISHER: Very cool. She probably spent a little time rolling around the copy room floor. HODGINS: Huh. FISHER: Anything else? HODGINS: Yeah. Yeah, there were some stains on different sweater fragments consisting of hesperic acid, ascorbic acid, citrus sinensis, furfural, proteolytic enzyme, alcohol, triarylmethane dye, a.k.a. Brilliant Blue. It's a food coloring. FISHER: Do you think the stain is relevant to the case? HODGINS: Before I can answer that, I need to know what it is. FISHER: I get it. We live our lives in the darkness, hoping for sun that seldom shines... HODGINS: Go away, Fisher. (Fisher exits.) (Cut to: Booth and Brennan walking through the office building while conversing.) BOOTH: Forensics analyzed Ted Russo's keys, all right. There's no evidence of red paint transfer from keying the car. BRENNAN: This is a very efficient workspace, don't you think? It affords a minimum amount of human interaction so the workers can concentrate solely on productivity. BOOTH: It's demoralizing. Don't look at me like that. I'm not some kind of a drone. BRENNAN: You have superiors to whom you must report, protocols you must follow. All of your actions are documented and reviewed. BOOTH: Look, I do not work for some faceless bureaucracy, okay? I work for the United States Government, and so do you, which makes you a drone, too. BRENNAN: No. No, I'm a completely independent contractor operating out of the Jeffersonian. In the hive, I would be the queen bee. BOOTH: Still in a hive. BRENNAN: In which I am the queen. (Cut to: Copy room where FBI Forensic Tech Marcus Geier is already examining the area.) BOOTH: Okay, what do we got? GEIER: We found dried toner in a section of the floor and fabric threads that might match the victim's clothes. (Booth opens his mouth to speak, but Brennan beats him to it.) BRENNAN: Send them all to Dr. Hodgins at the Jeffersonian. BOOTH: (Stage whisper.) Says the queen bee. BRENNAN: What? BOOTH: Nothing. BRENNAN: Use the ALS in this area. Booth, the light. BOOTH: (Booth turns off the lights) I'll tell you what, I'm going to be the king bee in my department. BRENNAN: There's no such thing as a king bee. BOOTH: Sure there is. And he is going to have the finest chair in the hive. (The ALS shows staining on the carpet.) BRENNAN: This area might also have staining that could help Hodgins identify what else was on the victim's clothes. Remove this section of carpet and send it to the lab. BOOTH: What is it? BRENNAN: I'm not sure. Cam and Hodgins will have to check it. The lights. BOOTH: Yeah, yeah. (Booth walks over to turn the lights on while his phone rings. He answers.) Booth. Right. Just send it to my phone right away. BRENNAN: What's going on? BOOTH: Computer Forensics, they went through the victim's hard drive. Seems that she got a really angry e-mail last week. It's from somebody who works here: Dave Farfield. "You self-entitled bitch. You are done playing with me. You'll pay. Trust me. Love and Kisses, Dave." [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Gary's office, Booth and Brennan are asking him questions.) BRENNAN: Do you have an employee named Dave Farfield? GARY: Yes. Well, actually, no. BOOTH: Okay, which is it? GARY: Well, Dave worked her for eight years, but he was let go last Thursday. BOOTH: You fired him? GARY: That's right. Oh, God... BRENNAN: What? GARY: Well, it was Patty. She told me that Dave was a problem: disruptive, not doing his work. BOOTH: So, it was Patty who got him fired? GARY: She showed me an inflammatory e-mail that he wrote to her, and I agreed with Patty, it wasn't right. BRENNAN: And Dave knew he was fired because of Patty? GARY: Yes. Oh, my. (Cut to: FBI Interrogation room, Booth is interrogating Dave Farfield. He puts a picture of Patty's car down in front of him.) DAVE: I don't get it. Keying someone's car is a federal offense now? BOOTH: So you admit you did it? DAVE: No. But did you ever meet Patty? Someone was just accurately describing her. (Picks up the picture and hands it back to Booth.) I mean, what other kind of person would call the FBI because she had her car keyed? BOOTH: Patty's dead, Dave. DAVE: Whoa, wait a second. Is that why I'm here? (Booth holds the picture up again.) Okay, look, sir... I admit that I keyed her car, but she purposely parked across the line so I couldn't get into my space. I mean, every day, I would have to squeeze the car in. I scratched the whole side of my Corolla. And that car was cherry. BOOTH: You hated her. DAVE: She got me fired because I turned her into the parking guards, but it's not like I'm the only one that didn't like her. BOOTH: Your coworkers seemed to like her. DAVE: No, no, she drove us all crazy. She docked Hamid's pay one time because he put too much half and half in his coffee. And then she had me reported for excessive use of the Internet, and I was the IT guy. BOOTH: So where were you Friday night, Dave? DAVE: I was at Paradise Isle. I met Chip over there. BOOTH: Chip? DAVE: Chip's a guy from work. I got a little tanked, I bitched about getting fired. Chip drove me home, 'cause like I said, I got a little tanked, but I was home before eight. BOOTH: You got an alibi after that? DAVE: I was online. I was online playing Knights of Atlantis. You can check the log or ask... Thrustkiller278 or Donnerparty819. BOOTH: Right. ACT THREE (Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab platform. Patty's skeleton is laid out on a lighted exam table. Cam and Fisher are talking about the damage done to the body.) FISHER: Her body sustained severe postmortem damage: comminuted crush fractures of the upper and lower extremities, burst fractures of the thoracic and lumbar vertebrae, and shearing of the spinous processes. CAM: Your reconstruction looks good. FISHER: It's incomplete. I suck. CAM: This woman was mulched in an elevator shaft. Given her condition, I'm impressed with your work. Come on, Mr. Fisher, let me see a little smile. (Fisher gives her a deadpan expression.) That's the ticket. FISHER: I also found incomplete bilateral compression fractures of ribs R3 to R11. There's inward deformation to the lateral aspects. Curve patterns are consistent with the outer edge of a shoe. CAM: I looked at several sections of the epidermis from the area of patterned abrasions, didn't find any hemorrhage in the soft tissue. FISHER: So she was stomped postmortem. Why stomp on someone when they're already dead? CAM: Good question. And I have another. Did you figure out cause of death, yet? FISHER: I told you, man, I suck. CAM: Buck up, Mr. Fisher. You give me cause of death, I give you a Kierkegaard t-shirt. (Cut to: Royal Diner. Sweets is sitting at a table reading a paper. Angela sits down in the chair across from him.) ANGELA: Hey! SWEETS: Hello. ANGELA: Fries look good. SWEETS: You want some? ANGELA: If you don't want them. So, I need some advice. SWEETS: I have office hours, Ms. Montenegro. This is ... ANGELA: How do I deal with Hodgins? I mean, we broke up so I just want it to be over with so I can get back to work without all this unspoken drama, you know what I'm saying? SWEETS: Uh huh, uh huh. First, I think it's important to find out what went wrong, why you were involved in an unsuccessful relationship. ANGELA: Who says it was unsuccessful? SWEETS: You're not together anymore, are you? ANGELA: Do you love your parents? SWEETS: Yes. ANGELA: But you don't live together anymore. Does that mean your relationship with Mom and Dad was unsuccessful? SWEETS: I don't think it's the same. ANGELA: I do. Sometimes you have to move on, whatever your feelings. SWEETS: When we create intimate sexual relationships, and if the relationship isn't functioning the way it should, one is left with anxiety and confusion that will remain until dealt with. ANGELA: Okay. So let's deal with it. SWEETS: No, it's going to take longer than us sitting here for a few minutes. We need to find out why you were attracted to him in the first place. ANGELA: He has kind eyes, great sense of humor, cute ass. He does this thing where... SWEETS: No. No. Um, I meant what are those things in your past that have led you to Dr. Hodgins and what he represents to you as an archetype. You know what? I'm going to look at my schedule, but we should probably start by meeting twice a week. ANGELA: No. I think I'm okay. SWEETS: Therapy can't be rushed. ANGELA: Look, Sweets, the way I look at it, if I'm shot by an arrow, I-I don't need to know where the arrow was made, or what kind of bow it came from, or even who it was who shot me. I just need to get it out of my chest. (Sighs.) So...thank you. This has been helpful. You're good. Thanks for the fries. (Angela exits.) SWEETS: Go ahead. Help yourself. (Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab, Cam's office. Hodgins walks in to speak with Cam.) HODGINS: Found another mystery stain on this piece of her skirt. It's body fluid, so... it's your problem. CAM: What have we here? HODGINS: Do you think I'm off my game because of Angela? Because of all this residual stuff between us? Every time I look at her, I still think about... CAM: Semen. HODGINS: What? No. I was going to say something much more romantic than that. CAM: This stain... it's semen. HODGINS: Oh. Right. CAM: I was also given a swatch of carpet from the copy room that had a stain. Also semen. HODGINS: So now we know victim was on the floor of the copy room and that there were semen stains on the floor and now on her skirt? CAM: My guess is, the stains will match. (Cut to: Booth and Brennan walking through the smoking area of the office building.) BOOTH: Patty Hoyle ordered food Friday night, had it delivered to the office. Guess whose credit card she used? BRENNAN: Well, I really don't have enough data to make an educated guess. BOOTH: Oh, her boss is Gary Flannery. BRENNAN: So, Cam is comparing the semen found on the floor with the stain found on the skirt. BOOTH: Seems like Pretty Patty was sleeping her way up the food chain with the boss. BRENNAN: Flannery is married. Maybe she threatened to expose the affair, and he decided to kill her to keep her quiet. (They walk around a corner to see HAMID: Just because tech support is in India doesn't mean I get special treatment. Patty knew that. GARY: Just call them, please. BOOTH: Excuse me. Mr. Flannery, like to ask you a few questions about your credit card statement. BRENNAN: I'd like to ask him for a DNA sample. BOOTH: Now. (Cut to: FBI Interrogation room. Booth and Brennan are interrogating Gary.) GARY: Patty was a valued employee and that is all. BOOTH: Come on, you think I'm gonna slam you for having a little fun? It happens. Late night meetings, a little cleavage. GARY: No. I-I'm a married man. BRENNAN: Then why did you give her your credit card? GARY: For the occasional business expense. BOOTH: Room service, massage, shiatsu one hour, a purse, three hundred dollars worth of lingerie. GARY: I was not having s*x with Patty! BOOTH: Why did she have your credit card? BRENNAN: And semen on her skirt. GARY: No! Patty decided to run an expendables audit, all right, she wanted to account for every damn pencil. And she found out I was ordering extra office supplies and selling the surplus online. She was going to report me to corporate. But she said she'd keep her mouth shut if I let her use my card now and then. Oh, she had the whole office under her thumb, knew everyone's business. Sneaky bitch. BRENNAN: So she was blackmailing you. That's not easy to stop, is it? GARY: But I didn't kill her. Please. You can't tell the head office. I've got a family. I could lose my job, my healthcare, my pension... BOOTH: Shut up. Open your mouth. GARY: (Opens his mouth so Brennan can swab it.) Ahhh... (Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab, exam room. Brennan and Fisher are going over the remains.) BRENNAN: What have you found? The pelvis? FISHER: The anteroposterior diameter is 160 millimeters. Transverse diameter is 240 millimeters. (Pauses and scoffs.) Listen to me. Reducing the pelvic inlet, the orifice of life, to a numerical abstract. BRENNAN: We need mathematical constructs to understand any aspect of our world, Mr. Fisher. And those figures and equations are beautiful. Like a musical composition, they give life meaning and us the possibility of knowing the unknowable. FISHER: Right. There's no evidence that the body was disarticulated prior to being shoved down the chute, so she either went in headfirst or feetfirst. Given that, I've cut a hole that corresponds to the measurements of the chute. (He lifts a box and hands it to Brennan, then picks up the pelvic bone and demonstrates it against the hole he's cut in the box.) There's only one problem. Any way you turn it, the pelvis won't fit. So, the body couldn't have entered the shaft by that chute. But since it still had to fall a minimum of 60 meters... BRENNAN: It was dumped from the 16th floor. I'll call Booth. (Cam enters.) CAM: DNA results came back. The two semen stains are a match-the one from her skirt and the one from the copy room floor. But they're not from her boss. Sorry. (Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab, platform. Hodgins is working as Angela approaches.) ANGELA: Hey. HODGINS: Hey, uh...hi. ANGELA: Look, this tension between us, I hate it. I-I mean, I know that we broke up and everything, but I've experienced loss before and lived through it and... you have, too. And I'm not gonna pretend this didn't happen because it might be easier to break up. I'm going to relive us huddled last winter in that cabin in Montana when the lights went out and the heat went out and laughing our asses off when you tried explaining that spectrometer thingy to me. So, I am not going to hide anymore, and I'm not going to walk on eggshells. I am just going to accept that the whole damn mess happened, and pain or not, I'm glad it did. HODGINS: Okay. (Angela exits.) (Cut to: Booth and Brennan in the office building. Brennan is examining the elevator door.) BRENNAN: So, forensics didn't find any prints? BOOTH: (Trying to pry the elevator doors open on his own and unable to do so. Sighs.) No. Cleaning crew came in over the weekend and wiped down all the elevator doors. BRENNAN: Eh, no blood. What's that? (She points to a pink pastry box next to Booth's feet.) BOOTH: What? BRENNAN: That. BOOTH: Those are my cupcakes. I got them for the HR officer at work. I heard she loves them. BRENNAN: So, fraud and bribery? BOOTH: No. Twelve years of service and lumbar support, okay? It's all a matter of perception. BRENNAN: Okay. BOOTH: Don't say it like that. "Okay," like I'm some kind of kid. BRENNAN: Okay. BOOTH: It's looking pretty good, too, Bones. I mean, Willie Ackerman, he got cut off the list 'cause he got his note from an acupuncturist, and that doesn't even count. Hah! Boob. Watch out, I'm going to try this again. (He tries to pry the doors open again.) Oh, man. Ah, forget it! There's no way that I could keep that open long enough to dump a body, and I'm in shape. BRENNAN: Must have been someone that was stronger than you. BOOTH: You're kidding me? Have you seen the people in these offices? Compared to them, I am Hercules. BRENNAN: Well, apparently not. Maybe you do need that chair. BOOTH: Or maybe it was two people. ACT FOUR (Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab, Cam and Fisher are examining the remains.) FISHER: One thousand, two-hundred and sixty-three bone fragments and I've checked every single one of them. And the only cause of death I see is on the squamous temporal bone. CAM: The localized staining would be consistent with blunt force trauma. FISHER: Except there's no sign of that on the exterior of the skull. CAM: Then it was probably caused by a ruptured aneurysm. FISHER: Which would make her death an accident. And our persuit for a villain merely a cry for justice in an unjust world. CAM: But if it's an accident, it wouldn't account for the elevator or the semen. FISHER: True. I should have found that earlier. Dr. Brennan's going to fire me, isn't she? I guess while I was trying to see the metaphorical sun, I totally forgot that the chances of survival in an unfriendly cosmos... CAM: Have you considered Prozac, Mr. Fisher? FISHER: Already on it. CAM: Then double your dose 'cause you're bringing me down, and that's hard to do, 'cause I have worked with death for years and you are making it all look like good times now. So, get it together, okay, Eeyore? (Brennan enters.) BRENNAN: What have you found? CAM: An aneurysm. FISHER: It should have been caused by trauma to the ectocranial surface, but there's no evidence of trauma at all. BRENNAN: Very good, Mr. Fisher. What do you see there? FISHER: Two tiny punctures, approximately seven millimeters apart. And what's very good? I totally missed them. CAM: You found the hemorrhagic stain that led us here. FISHER: So what caused them? Snake fangs? Eastern pipistrelle bat? Uh, a vampire? BRENNAN: Fingerprint powder. (Fisher goes to get the fingerprint powder. Brennan applies it and examines the puncture wounds beneath a microscope.) FISHER: What are you doing? BRENNAN: A fine horizontal bar terminating in two vertical protrusions. CAM: Oh, my God. She was killed by a staple. (Cut to: Royal Diner, Booth and Brennan are eating and talking at a table near the window.) BOOTH: A staple? BRENNAN: Mmhm. BOOTH: How do you kill somebody with a staple? BRENNAN: It perforated the thinnest part of the calvarium... the squamous temporal bone... causing Miss Hoyle's preexisting aneurysm to rupture. BOOTH: And how do you get somebody to stand still while you staple them? BRENNAN: There's a small depression near the wound that suggests the stapler was thrown. BOOTH: So whoever did this didn't mean to kill her. BRENNAN: No, I can't confirm that. BOOTH: It's common sense, Bones. One doesn't usually use a stapler as a murder weapon, and they certainly couldn't have known that she had an aneurysm. BRENNAN: I'll concede on both points. BOOTH: Tell you what, my boys are looking for the murder weapon. Maybe we can pull some prints. BRENNAN: So Patty has s*x with someone who then hits her with a stapler. Odd work environment. (Hodgins enters and sits next to Brennan.) HODGINS: Okay, you are not going to believe this. BOOTH: Yeah, try topping death by office supplies. HODGINS: I was wracking my brian over the trace analysis from the sweater. Furfural, proteolytic enzyme, triarylmethane dye... BOOTH: Hodgins, Hodg-Hodgins. Eyes are glazing over. HODGINS: It's a blue Hawaiian. BRENNAN: What's a blue Hawaiian? BOOTH: Well, it's a potent cocktail. Two of those puppies and you're asking yourself, "Hey, why amd I naked and who are all these people?" HODGINS: Brilliant blue FCF from the blue curacao, furfural from the rum, proteolytic enzyme-pinapple, alcohol speaks for itself. BRENNAN: Is this the sort of beverage they would serve at the Paradise Isle? BOOTH: Yeah, it comes in one of those ceramic monkey heads. So the killer must have stepped in spilled drink. HODGINS: Given the level of fructose and sugarcane, it would have adhered to his shoe. He stomps on the victim, and presto, her sweater lights up with more traces than a luau pig. BRENNAN: Dave as at Paradise Isle, but his, his alibi checks out. BOOTH: Yeah, but Dave was there with Chip, who gave him a ride home, but we don't know what Chip did for the rest of the night. Good work, Hodgins. HODGINS: Thanks. BOOTH: Now you can have a French fry. HODGINS: Hey, man, right? Hey, you know, uh... I think Angela and I are cool now. We talked, and I think... BRENNAN: (Her phone rings and she answers.) Brennan. BOOTH: You know what? Just keep it to yourself. BRENNAN: We'll be right there. BOOTH: You can have all the fries you want. Pay for the bill, too. HODGINS: ...to talk to you guys about... BRENNAN: Thanks, Hodgins. HODGINS: ...Angela. (Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab. Brennan, Booth and Cam are walking through the lab.) CAM: I was filing the DNA test I ran on Gary's saliva. BOOTH: Ah, it does match after all. CAM: No, but I did double-check the semen's sample from the victim's skirt with the one on the floor and they do match. (She brings up an image of sperm on a large screen.) And according to the deterioration of the sperm tail, the ejaculate is from Friday night. BOOTH: That must have been some happy hour. BRENNAN: The night she was murdered. BOOTH: You can tell all that from their little tails? CAM: Yes, and I can also tell that our man is probably of Asian descent. BOOTH: Oh, by the way they swim. CAM: No. From forty-two specific DNA sequences. BOOTH: Yeah, probably more exact. CAM: I'm not sure if that's helpful. There are three billion Asian people in the world. BRENNAN: But only one who works in the office. BOOTH: And he was at Paradise Isle. (Cut to: FBI Interrogation room, Booth is questioning Chip.) BOOTH: We found the murder weapon, Chip. CHIP: A stapler? BOOTH: Yep, a stapler. Picked it up in a dumpster behind your building. BRENNAN: Someone threw it at her. We found some of Patty's hair embedded in the slide, as well as a trace of blood. CHIP: So, uh, what do you need from me? I'll help any way I can. I liked Patty. BOOTH: Enough to make love to her in the copy room on the floor? CHIP: God, no. She was my boss. BRENNAN: We also found semen on the floor of the copy room and on her skirt. The DNA showed it was from an Asian male. You're the only person of Asian descent in the office, Chip. BOOTH: Look at this. We have a, uh, court order here for your DNA. (Takes the court order out of his jacket and puts it on the table in front of Chip.) CHIP: Okay, you're right. I was sleeping with Patty, but I wanted to end it, so I had a couple drinks to get up my courage and went back to the office. BOOTH: Then what happened? CHIP: I told her we had to stop because we were going to get caught. She threatened to report me for sexual harassment if I didn't keep sleeping with her. She was calling Gary to report me. BOOTH: So you threw the stapler at her? CHIP: It... hit her in the head a-and she just dropped. BRENNAN: She had an aneurysm. You ruptured it. CHIP: I didn't know. BOOTH: Then what? CHIP: I...had to get rid of her. I...I panicked, dragged her into the hall, opened the elevator doors, and...shoved her down the shaft. BOOTH: How? CHIP: W-what do you mean, "how?" (Cut to: The office building, Chip is trying to pry the elevator doors open. He is unsuccessful.) CHIP: It must have been the adrenaline. Enough of that, you can lift a car, right? (Booth pulls out his gun and cocks the hammer back.) BOOTH: Is this enough adrenaline for you? CHIP: Okay. (Chip tries again and then Brennan steps in to help. They are able to pry it open enough to fit a body through.) BOOTH: Look at that-two people. Who's helping you? CHIP: No one. It was just me. BOOTH: Somebody had to have helped you hold the doors open while you kicked her down the shaft. CHIP: No. BOOTH: Who are you protecting, Chipper? BRENNAN: Booth, can you take the door? (Booth holds the doors open.) BOOTH: Got it, got it. All right. (Brennan bends down and picks up a blue fingernail with a pair of tweezers.) BOOTH: Okay, what is that? BRENNAN: It looks like a piece of fingernail, blue nail polish. (Cut to: FBI Interrogation room. Christine, with her blue fingernails, is being interrogated by Booth and Brennan.) CHRISTINE: Chip tried to protect me? BRENNAN: Yes. CHRISTINE: That's just like him, you know? Whenever I have too many calls on hold, he'd always answer the phone. He totally didn't have to do that. BOOTH: The best way for you to help him is to just tell me the truth. CHRISTINE: Okay, well...we both have roommates...so...sometimes...we'd make love in the office. We were in the copy room and we thought we were alone, but Patty came back for something and she caught us, and she said she was going to report us. I mean, no one in the office could date. It was against company policy. She said we'd both be fired. BOOTH: So you threw the stapler. CHRISTINE: I-I was so sick of her sticking her nose in everything. Sh-she went over to the phone to report us to Gary, and...I threw the stapler. I didn't, I didn't mean to kill her. I just wanted to be with Chip. (She begins to cry heavily and Booth reaches over to hold her hand.) (Cut to: Booth's office at the FBI building. Brennan walks in to see Booth shining the leather on his new chair.) BRENNAN: I see you got your throne. BOOTH: That's right. The chair. BRENNAN: Looks nice. Another victory for the hive. BOOTH: HR said you called. BRENNAN: Yes, but I didn't lie to them. I wouldn't do that. (Sits down.) BOOTH: Well, you must have said something because she didn't even eat her cupcakes and the chair was here. BRENNAN: No, I just told them why I felt it was important for you to have it, that's all. BOOTH: And, uh, why is that? Because even a mindless drone (lowers himself into the chair) ahhhh...deserves some perks? BRENNAN: No, because of how important you are to them. I mentioned your dedication and courage and sensitivity. BOOTH: Sensitivity? BRENNAN: Yes, Booth. I mean, even today with that young woman who killed her boss, it's very impressive. Anyway, I said that a chair is a good way to show the other employees in the office how much those qualities are valued. BOOTH: Hmmm, well, it worked. BRENNAN: I'll never understand why you felt you had to lie to get the chair. I mean, you could have just told them about yourself on your own. BOOTH: Well, because that would have been bragging, even though it was true. (He leans back, throws the towel he was shining the chair with at Brennan, and a snapping sound it heard.) Oh, ow. BRENNAN: You okay? BOOTH: Yeah, no, it was just...I think some of the padding in the back here is worn out. When I lean back, it's... hits. BRENNAN: So Agent Kelton overstated the attributes of the chair. BOOTH: No, no, this thing is great, you kidding me? It's a...even though it's an antique, doesn't tilt back...yet. And it smells like a three hundred pound dead guy. BRENNAN: So you like it. BOOTH: Are you're kidding me? Love it. I'm not giving this baby up for anything, huh? (He touches the lever that raises and lowers the chair. He sinks down almost below the surface of his desk.) Uh-oh. You know, that little up and down thing is a little touchy. (Fade to black, another clanging sound.) Ow.

Plan: A: a despised office manager; Q: What was the office manager? A: an elevator shaft; Q: Where was the body found? A: file; Q: What did the manager have a lot of complaints on? A: the lab; Q: Where do Angela and Hodgins try to make peace? A: their break-up; Q: What are Angela and Hodgins trying to make peace after? Summary: The remains of a despised office manager are discovered in an elevator shaft, and Booth and Brennan must figure out which employee killed her. After some investigating, they find that the manager had more than a fair share of complaints on file. Meanwhile, Angela and Hodgins try to make peace in the lab after their break-up.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Anne: It is as if the Angel of Death himself has descended upon the town. Cotton: The witches' Grand Rite. Anne: Please return to Salem. John: Find out who Mary Sibley is backing for magistrate and I find the next witch in line. Mary: You may be God's gift to Salem, Dr. Wainwright. Von Marburg: That the Grand Rite was led by one Mary Sibley. Mary: The comet will soon blaze overhead, terrifying all for only three nights. The crags will be filled with hell-blood. Tituba: Mercy Lewis killed our witches. True witches. The Elders. Mary: Kill them! Kill them all! [Screaming] You wanted war. Now taste war. Mercy: [Screaming] [Hoarsely] Father... Your baby's home. [Indistinct conversations] [Dog barks] Woman: We're going to need more water. [Rat screeching] [Man coughs] [Child giggles] [Bird caws] [Children giggling] [Giggling continues] [Bird caws] [Giggling continues] [Grumbling] Girl: [Grunting] [Screaming] ["Cupid Carries A Gun" plays] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪ [Ambient sound] Mary: You must use your fork. You act as though raised by wolves. I suppose in some ways you were. You hold the fork like this, and you use the knife to push the food onto the prongs. First, the cloth. You place it in your lap like so. What do you hide there? Come, now, show me what it is. Boy: It reminded me of you, Mother. So beautiful. Mary: Its neck. Did you find it so? Boy: It found me. Mary: Take the bird and bury him in the garden. As hard as it may be to part with something so... beautiful, that is what we must do with things that are dead to us. [Woman coughs] [Horse whinnies] [Goat bleats] [Indistinct conversations] [Woman coughing] Man: My wife is locked up with a woman who has the pox. You have to let her out. My wife's no witch. And she don't deserve to be damned to death with the pox! Mary: What would you have us do, sir? Let known thieves and suspected witches run loose amongst the good citizens of Salem? Hathorne: Without a magistrate to hear their cases, they'll be locked in with that plagued woman for weeks. A certain death sentence. And with no trial. What do you suggest, my dear Mrs. Sibley? Or do you need to confer with your ever-silent husband? Mary: I will confer with my husband, who I assure you is far from silent. And in due time, when the evidence is heard... Hathorne: Your due time has left the magistrate's seat vacant, the witchcraft trials all but ceased, and the plague to run rampant. I assure you, good people, there will be a magistrate by sunrise. As town treasurer and next-highest officer among the selectmen, it is natural that I should step in as magistrate. Mary: Might I remind the generous Mr. Hathorne that Salem will not be ruled by one man? Hathorne: And certainly not by one woman. Mary: Fine. We shall gather the selectmen and hold an election. Hathorne: A vote it will be, then. Today. Mary: I know that my husband, Mr. Sibley, would like to be there, and I need time to make arrangements. Hathorne: Uh, tonight then. Mary: We shall decide the position of magistrate over supper at the Sibley house. Good day, sirs. George is the only way to get Hathorne to back down. And evoking his name is not enough anymore. Tituba: Then what is? Mary: Worry not. I have it under control. This town is but the living form of my orrery, and both run like clockwork. No man can stop the hours ringing in the changes. Tituba: Clocks are often stopped, Mistress. It takes but a well-placed finger. I fear the boy has been a distraction to you. Mary: The boy is my son, and the only thing that distracts me is the nagging thought of what horrors may have been inflicted upon him in the years before I knew of his existence. What did you do to him? If he is forever damaged... Tituba: Patience, Mary. Mary: I have none for you anymore, you who lied and hid him for all those years. Tituba: You weren't ready. Perhaps you're still not. I can take him back to the woods at any time. Mary: Never again, or I will stop everything we've begun. I will let the comet pass, the crags run dry, and the Grand Rite will have been for nothing. Do not test me. [Clock tower chiming] Dollie: Reverend Lewis. I'm so sorry for your loss. Rev. Lewis: Hmm. Dollie: I miss her so. Mercy was my last true friend. Rev. Lewis: We'll see how true a friend you really are. Come with me. Mary: Hathorne sought to humiliate me in front of a nescient congregation, and you did not utter a word on my behalf. Corwin: I was concerned to draw attention. Mary: Well, in not drawing attention, Mr. Corwin, you have drawn a line. I must know which side you stand. Corwin: Yours, my lady. You know I've been your silent servant all these years. Mary: Well, you shall be silent no more. The role of magistrate cannot fall to an un-sympathetic foe. It must be a witch. That is why you are to challenge Hathorne as candidate. Corwin: But he is most popular with the other selectmen. Mary: With Mr. Sibley's endorsement, no selectman will dare vote against you. Corwin: We are vulnerable. You have brought our kind to the center of the stage when we are hated most. Mary: I have completed the Grand Rite. The consecration is well underway. Soon we will taste freedom like you have never known before. But for now, we must continue the charade of puritan rule. And we must control it. Corwin: I fear I will disappoint you. Mary: Well...'Tis not me you ought to worry about disappointing. [Door opens] [Door closes] Dollie: Who goes there? Please. Won't you come out? You frighten me. Mercy: You can no longer recognize your old friend beneath these hideous scars. Dollie: Mercy? Is that really you? Mercy: Where were you when we all burned? Dollie: Do you not remember? It was you who sent me in town for provisions. It was you who saved me. Mercy: Then I must have saved you for a good reason. How did I not notice what a lovely creature you are? You can walk among the living. You'll be the means of my vengeance. [Wheezing] Dollie: I would do anything for you. Mercy: Good. Mary Sibley will not see us coming. Isaac: At last. I'm dead. And you... a heavenly creature to welcome me. Dollie: It's just me... Dollie. Isaac: What else but an Angel would risk all in a horrible place like this to sit vigil with a wretch like myself? Dollie: Believe me, Isaac, I am not going anywhere. I will stay by your side. Anne: These past few days, Cotton, it's been such a comfort being with you. Cotton: I must admit, when I first opened my door in Boston, the sight of your face brought me greater joy than I would have expected. It is you, Anne, who has been a great comfort to me. [Horse whinnies] Anne: I believe my father died thinking his only child was consumed with hatred for him. Cotton: Never. He admired your spirit. He was proud of you. Something my father never felt toward me. Faced with his infinite disapproval, I cursed him in the worst way, behind his back, like a coward. Anne: You are no coward, Cotton. Cotton: I despised him. Now I feel lost without him. Before he was gripped by madness, he would have known what to do. He would have delivered us from the pox, and he would have rid Salem of every last witch. [Sighs] Anne: And do you agree with him, that there is no way to save a witch but kill them? I hate to think that all their souls are forever damned. My father said that... That there are ones who are born into it, who have no choice. Perhaps they could be saved. Cotton: Hmm. My father would have said no... That we are all predestined to good or evil. Anne: And what do you say? Cotton: I believe there is always a choice. I believe our... choices dictate our destiny. Anne: Then there is salvation. And where there is salvation, there is hope. [Footsteps approach] Mary: My dear Isaac. Isaac: I am at death's door. I know where it leads once it be opened. Satan himself waits to torture me for eternity. Mary: Now, what has convinced your mind of such a thing? Isaac: Isaac the Fornicator. Many years have passed, but a sin is a sin, and I am doomed to pay for it. Mary: No, you have paid plenty in this life. You have a good soul, and the Lord I believe in does not care what you do on this earth. What lord would create bodies capable of such pleasures, then punish us for knowing it? Wainwright: What Lord indeed? Very advanced words for a stern puritan mistress like yourself. See, I would have thought you'd consider the body a constant source of pain and temptation to hell, like your husband. Mary: My husband is entirely correct. Life with him has been both a pain and a constant temptation to hell. But I'm not convinced God intended it so. Wainwright: Your friend Isaac improves, and with him, the chance to save many. Now, the blood I drew from him could be used to guard the unaffected. Mary: You would spread his infectious blood. Curious. But if it helps others, that is indeed good news. Wainwright: Why, you must seek more than good news to risk so much coming here, where no one willingly enters and few leave alive. Mary: No, it is you who are the risk to me. You operate here under my approval, yet they call you "necromancer" and "speak of corpse bothering". Wainwright: Well, I doubt very much anything bothers a corpse. Mary: Do not jest, Doctor. We hang men for such things in Salem. Wainwright: Well, it seems there's little in Salem you don't hang men for... or women. Mary: Do you fear nothing? Wainwright: Nothing from you, Mary Sibley. Mary: Well, that is a great deal of trust in a woman you hardly know. Wainwright: Well, there are some things and people one knows in a single glance. Come with me. [Door creaks] Mary: You have a fine hand. You make a body look as beautiful without the skin as with it. Wainwright: I only wish my hand was as adept at uncovering the mysteries beneath the skin. This plague is... it's like no other. It's not transmitted by vermin nor by the simple cough, but some other means. Mary: Hathorne wonders if you really came to town to cure the plague or to humor some dark obsession with the dead. Wainwright: Both. Mary: So, tell me, in all this science, this impiety against God, what is it you're looking for? Wainwright: I seek the materiality of the soul... Its embodiment, and, likewise, the soul that lives in all things. If we can understand the physical seat of the soul, and we understand the spiritual nature of all things, then we might learn to do so much. Mary: You sound like a witch. Wainwright: Well, perhaps so. Perhaps, in their own misbegotten way, witches are scientists. Mary: Well, then Hathorne would be right, and scientists are also witches. Wainwright: But I do not seek to hurt anyone. I am searching for the very organ that proves God's existence within us. Mary: And where is it? Wainwright: A chamber, deeply protected within the chest, if you believe Aristotle. Descartes saw it residing in the brain. But I believe it's right about here... The crossroads between body and mind. They're calling the small organ hidden just there the thyroid, from the Greek "thyreoiedes", "shield shaped." I think it is the seat of the soul. Mary: But how do you know? Wainwright: That's the theory, but I believe I can prove it. But it might hurt. Mary: Prove it. Wainwright: I'll try and be gentle. Mary: Don't bother. Wainwright: [Grunts] Mary: [Gasping] Wainwright: Did you feel it? Mary: What? Wainwright: Your soul on the verge of leaving your body. Did your vision begin to darken? Your pulse quickened, and rapid thoughts, like... Like pictures flitting past your mind's eye. Mary: Yes. What on earth were you thinking? Wainwright: Well, I wasn't. Thinking, that is. But tell me... How did it feel to be completely in another's control over your very life, your very soul? Mary: I know such a feeling, and this was not it. [SCENE_BREAK] [Door opens] Girl: [Breathing heavily] [Breathing continues] [Retching] [Frog croaking] Mary: There. Hmm. George: Please. No more. End this. H-h-h-h-have mercy. I-I beg you. Mary: You have finally lost your appetite for defiance. George: [Groans] Enough. I cannot endure any longer. Just kill me. Mary: Now, you know too well the hell I can make of your existence. George: [Whimpers] Mary: But imagine... The heaven I might grant you in relief. George: [Gurgles] Mary: I might ask you what a good meal would mean to you, the touch of young flesh, life surging through your feeble appendages once more. I have a proposal for you. An old rival of yours has reared his head... Wendell Hathorne. George: He knows... what you are? Mary: [Scoffs] George, if those tepid men saw me for what I truly am, they would soil themselves in fear, as you so often have. But that needn't be so. For perhaps the first time ever, your interests and mine share common ground. Hathorne not only made advances to your wife in public, but he tried to strip you of your lands. Outside these walls, George Sibley is a giant amongst men, the last of the founders, but Hathorne seeks to destroy that. I hardly think it's a sin to protect what you've worked so hard to achieve, George. Your life as you know it may be over. Do you want your legacy and your legend to die, as well? You look affright. I'll prepare a tonic of Cayenne to sharpen the tongue. George: To say what? What do you want from me? Mary: To endorse Corwin as magistrate and maintain the illusion that you and you alone control Salem, and your wife, with an iron grip and silence your bitter enemy, Hathorne. [Door opens] Mercy: You can't look at me, Father? You don't want to see your daughter? Rev. Lewis: Please, I... Mercy: You never shied away before. You wanted to see all the delicacies of your beautiful daughter. Rev. Lewis: Mercy, please. Dollie: Perhaps I should take my leave. Mercy: No. You will bear witness to all that is to come. Rev. Lewis: Mercy, if you have any humanity left in you, return to me what is... most vital. Mercy: [Grumbles] You'll be reunited with the shriveled remnants of your manhood when you've fulfilled every errand I demand. And now I need you to strike the first blow against dear Mary Sibley. [Wheezing] Hathorne: A wise choice to keep the council's gathering intimate. Uh, I was rather hoping to receive the appointment of magistrate from your husband personally. But it seems, as usual, his ventriloquist will have to do. [Chuckles] Mary: Mr. Hathorne, your vigor for the peace and prosperity of Salem is an inspiration. But a magistrate is merely an arbiter of the common law. And many know the common law. But only a man as gifted as yourself, however, may make sense of all the complex calculations required of a treasurer. No, you're far too valuable a man to be wasted as magistrate. Instead, George supports a most fair, if less numerate man... George: Alexander Corwin. Hathorne: George. Ah, it is a true honor to have you back in our presence. George: Yes. My wife has carried out my demands. [Coughs] And they are many. [Men chuckling] Yet she meets... [Clears throat] with challenges. Hathorne: I-I assure you any exchanges have been in the spirit of civic debate. George: Good. We still need your governance... [Clears throat] of treasury. Mary: Nathaniel, fetch us a bottle of claret from the cellar while we wait on Mr. Corwin. [Indistinct conversations] [Footsteps] Corwin: [Screaming] George: Mmm. [Clock chiming] Hathorne: The hour wanes, George. Mary: Mr. Corwin has surely been detained by something critical. Hathorne: It appears that all who find the election of magistrate important are present. Corwin has clearly had a change of heart. Since, as you say, we all know the common law, we're all aware that no one may be appointed to a post in absentia. I submit myself again in his stead and call for a vote now. Mary: Mr. Sibley always insists we finish dessert before business. Corwin will show. Hathorne: Not only am I disturbed by the authority you allow your wife, George, your mouthpiece in Salem, one might even say your regent, but I am also grown weary by this dinner's charade. [Dishes clank] If you are truly the head of this household, Sibley, I insist that you call for a vo... George: We wait. Mary: Well, I am comforted to know there's at least one true gentleman left in this town. Gentlemen, if you'll excuse me a moment. Man 1: Of course. Man 2: [Clears throat] Man 3: Please. Tituba: Corwin is nowhere to be found. Mary: George will have no choice but to put Hathorne forward if Corwin is absent. So we must drag his cowardly feet from the hole they are hiding in. John: Cotton Mather was right. Bind a witch with the right knot to iron and dead wood, he's as neutered as a freshly cut steer. Corwin: You are gravely mistaken. I am no witch. John: Bullshit, Corwin. I stabbed thin air, and then I caught you. What would you call that if not witchcraft? Corwin: You have to believe me. John: This is no ordinary knife. But if it were, it would still serve to separate the skin from your body in one thick sheet. I've seen the Indians do it. I've learned the trick myself. But seeing as this is no ordinary knife but one which holds a special hurt for witches, I can't imagine what it would do to you. But I sure am curious. Corwin: What would you have of me? John: Names of every witch in Salem. Man 1: Stop! Stop! Man 2: Whoa! Man 1: Halt! Anne: The long arm of Mary Sibley, no doubt. She ordered a blockade. All roads in and out of Salem. Cotton: Good evening, sirs. Man 1: No passage, on account of the pox. Orders of George Sibley, lest you have a pass. Cotton: It is exactly his wife, Mary Sibley, with whom I seek audience. Now, let us pass. Man 1: For a price. Cotton: I beg your pardon? Man 1: Pay or turn back around. Cotton: You dare extort a man of the cloth and a fine young lady from one of Salem's founding families? Man 1: Man of the cloth? Well, I'll be damned. If it isn't Cotton Mather! [Grunts] Anne: Cotton! Man 1: Coward! Fled his post and left us to rot! Anne: No! No! Man 2: Come here, pretty. Cotton: Leave her alone! Anne: Let me go! [Screaming] Don't touch me! No! Man 2: [Grunts] Cotton: Anne! Are you okay? What happened? Anne: He... he went away. We should go. We should go. Cotton: Come on. Come on. Hathorne: You have to give Corwin a piece of your mind. I only have Salem's interest at heart. Tituba: A vote is imminent. We can stall them no longer. Mary: This is going to have to do for a glimpse at the gutless Corwin so we might bring him here. John: Blindness... or castration? It's really quite simple. Corwin: [Shudders] I am not too proud to say that I am afraid, but it is of powers f-far greater than you. She fears nothing. John: Yes. Mary Sibley. Who else? Corwin: If you know my mistress, you know such attempts are futile. Whatever your quest, you're too late. John: Names. Now! Corwin: She sees all. I know she sees me. She will have no mercy. I have felt her pulling at my bound legs, and any moment, she will be peering right at me, even here. John: Oh, I'm counting on it. Mary: By this firelight, bestow unto us the gift of sight, so we might find our brother Corwin in the shadows of this night. Corwin: For all our crimes, justice is come. If we do not cease all we do, end our witch pox, and lay down all weapons of malice, we will die... Every last one of us. Mary: We must hurry. Corwin: [Screaming] Tituba: Who could do this? Mary: Someone with enough cunning craft to counter ours and obscure their faces from our vision. Tituba: Whoever is out there, they are targeting us. Hathorne: A gracious host, even in defeat. Mary: I honor the council's decision. Congratulations, Magistrate Hathorne. Hathorne: Shall we dispense with the pleasantries? It is my full intention to shake Salem from the grip of mayhem brought on by you. Mary: By all means, but take care. Even a magistrate has his place. Hathorne: As has a woman. I suggest you start attending to some duties more suited to your gender. What is it, Mary, that gives you such brash confidence to reach so far beyond your station? You are the Delilah in our midst. Mary: A strong woman is no more to fear than a strong man. Hathorne: If George will not humble you, I will. Mary: Consider this before you seek to harm our family, my good fledgling magistrate... My husband owns every ship docked in this port, land for 1,000 miles, the very bedpan you relieve yourself in, yet we serve those we could rule. Hathorne: You cannot hide behind your husband anymore, Mary Sibley. Mary: I am not your enemy. But make me one, and you shall feel my fury. [Door closes] Where's George? Tituba: Upstairs, pacified again. We have more urgent matters. Mary: George is my power in this town. Never underestimate his importance to us. He is irreplaceable. The same cannot be said for poor Corwin. Tituba: We vowed to protect one another. Mary: Not at the cost of the Hive. Corwin will have exposed our identities to this new assailant, unless the assailant already knows who we are. Tituba: You suspect someone within the Hive? Mary: What better way to undermine me? After all, this is someone who employs counter-magic to shield themselves. Tituba: The seer can lift the veil from our eyes, help us find this witch hunter. I will go now. Mary: No, at dawn. It is too dangerous to move about the shadows tonight. I will station two militia men outside the doors. This was an attempt to lure us out. We are safest here. We cannot let their brutality unravel us. Find peace in sleep. Nathaniel, pour me a bath. Isaac: Reverend Lewis? A man of the Lord come to pray for my soul? Rev. Lewis: There is but one destination for you, Isaac, and I have seen it with my own eyes. Isaac: Huh? [Muffled shouting] Rev. Lewis: Lord, have mercy on him. Boy: I buried the dove, as you asked. Are you still cross with me, Mother? Mary: Never. Oh, I only ever want to protect you. Now, why are you still awake? Boy: I'm afraid to close my eyes. Afraid when I open them, you'll be gone. Mary: Look, just because you can't see me doesn't mean I've gone. Boy: But my father went away, didn't he? And he never came back. That's what happens when you die. You go away and you never come back. Mary: You and I are not going anywhere. This is our home. And we shall never be separated, not ever again. Boy: Tell me a story. I like to hear your voice as I fall asleep. Mary: All right. [Sighs] Once upon a time, the land was ruled by monsters. They wore fine black suits. They hid behind their fine black book with their fine black beards. And they lived in grand houses. And they ruled by fear. They made everyone fear the woods, trees, and the birds and the animals around them so that they would not dare to venture from their village. And if anyone said anything other than what the monsters wanted them to say, they stole their voices. Now, in this land, there lived a mother. Only she didn't know she was a mother, for the monsters had stolen her son. One day, she found him, and she found her voice. And she swore she would never lose either ever again. [Smooches] I love you. [Grumbling] Mary: [Gasping] [Breathing heavily] [Clock chiming]

Plan: A: Hathorne; Q: Who is Mary's adversary? A: her allies; Q: Who does Mary rally? A: another witch; Q: Who does Mary promote to maintain control of the town? A: Cotton; Q: Who does Anne share common ground with? A: an intimate nature; Q: What kind of tensions are smoldering between Mary and Dr. Wainwright? A: John; Q: Who arrives back in Salem? Summary: As the town of Salem continues to try to cope with the mounting plague, suspicions and fear grip the townspeople, and one of Mary's recent adversaries, Hathorne, takes steps to place himself in a position of power among the citizenry and above Mary, leading Mary to rally her allies and resort to promoting another witch to the higher position to maintain control of the town. Meanwhile, Anne and Cotton find they share some common ground, an earlier act of mercy may come back to haunt Mary, tensions of an intimate nature continue to smolder between Mary and Dr. Wainwright, John arrives back in Salem and makes his first move by killing his first witch, and Mary and Tituba discovers that someone strong wants Mary dead.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] LUCAS : You just became a Raven. NATHAN : I'm having money problems, dad. I need your help. DAN : Right now, you're not an investment I'm interested in. DEB : I am the majority owner of Tric... which means you can get the hell out. NICK : Take your seats. I'm your new english teacher... Mr. Chavez. BROOKE : Nick? NICK : We really can't do this, right? DEB : I'm not leaving here till I get my damn pills. NATHAN : It's either the pills or me. PEYTON : Leave me alone! PEYTON : Who are you? DEREK : Guess I'm your brother. NATHAN : I know that was a lot of money, but I'm gonna pay you back. Every cent. DAUNTE : Take your time. BROOKE'S FASHION SHOW Nick comes to see Brooke NICK (to security) : How you doing? BROOKE (to security) : He's with me. BROOKE (to Nick) : What are you doing here?! NICK : I came here to wish you luck. BROOKE : Somebody might see you. NICK : Oh, no one here knows me. Besides, there's nothing wrong with a teacher coming up to check on his most promising student... his most promising, sexy, irresistible student. (Brooke throws him in the fitting room when she hears Mouth) MOUTH : Uh, Brooke, where do you want these? BROOKE : Over there's... fine. Thank you again for helping me out today. I'd be totally lost if it weren't for you. MOUTH : That's cool. It gets me out of geography. It's a good thing you're student-council president. So, what do you need me to do next? BROOKE : Um, I need you to take these body jewels and paste them on Tia. I want them on her neck, her thighs, and her cleavage. (Mouth looks at Tia and cannot stop looking) BROOKE : Mouth. Breathe and paste. Okay. (She leaves him and return to Nick in the fitting room) THE APARTMENT Haley is trying to get a box on the to shelf in the closet when Nathan walks by NATHAN : Hey, come on. (He grabs Haley and gets the box himself) HALEY : Oh, hey. I'm getting that. NATHAN : You shouldn't be straining yourself. You can't risk falling and stuff. HALEY : Relax. I'm pregnant, not elderly. Oh, anyway, I'm glad you're up. NATHAN : Are you kidding me? The semifinal's tonight. I could barely sleep. HALEY : I want to go to Duke with you. NATHAN : What? I got my acceptance letter from Duke, and, um, it just made me think about what I want. And I want to make you happy more than anything else in the world, so I want to go to Duke with you! NATHAN : Oh, Haley. HALEY : You've been so supportive of me and my dream for music, and I just want to be supportive of you and your dream for playing at Duke. So I want to do this for us, okay? NATHAN : How did I get so lucky? HALEY : It helps that you're hot. NATHAN : Well... thank you. You're gonna be so happy there. I got to go 'cause I'm meeting Skills and Lucas for an early workout. (Haley starts unpacking the box, there are some toys) NATHAN : What's all this stuff for, anyway? HALEY : Babysitting. I thought the extra experience and money couldn't hurt. Besides, I just really don't want to be one of those moms that's, like, completely overwhelmed and unprepared and always screaming at her kids the way my mom used to be. Oh, it was crazy. Anyway... um, the kids are coming by after school. And, uh... you know what... you should stop by and say hi. NATHAN : Nah. I'll pass. I don't really like kids. (Nathan starts leaving and realizes what he just said) NATHAN : Uh, I'll like our kid. HALEY : Yeah, get out of here, you bum. BROOKE'S FASHION SHOW Mouth is putting the body jewels on Tia and he is really not comfortable TIA : Big hands... nice. MOUTH : I'm so, so sorry. I'm... I'm just not used to working this close to a girl... I mean, a woman who is, like... this hot. TIA : Oh, my god. You're so cute I could eat you! Please tell me you're a virgin. (Mouth just smile) TIA : Oh ! Oh, my god! I'm totally eating you up! MOUTH : I'm just gonna go kill myself now. (Mouth starts to leave but Tia stops him) TIA : No, no. It's so hard to find cute virgin boys. All my friends would love you. We're getting together tonight at a bar. You should totally join us. MOUTH : Me? Join you and your friends? TIA : Well, let's just say that there's a pretty good chance you won't wake up a virgin tomorrow. So, is that a "yes"? PEYTON'S HOUSE Peyton is painting a bulldog over her bed. She hears the door and goes downstairs, scared. She finally find her real brother in the kitchen DEREK : Peyton. PEYTON : How did you get in here? DEREK : The question is, how didn't I get in? I popped open the back door, the basement window, and the window near the porch. Given your history, I thought you'd pay more attention to home security. PEYTON : Okay, what are you doing here? I thought you weren't interested in sticking around. DEREK : I'm not. I just wanted to make sure you're safe before I go back to my life. PEYTON : Well, I slept great last night... alone. So mission accomplished. DEREK : Is that why you haven't been to school in over a week? PEYTON : A lot of seniors skip class. DEREK : They skip school to do fun stuff, not hide in their room all day, afraid to step out onto their own porch. PEYTON : That's not what I'm doing. DEREK : Well, if you're really over getting attacked by that psycho, then there's no reason you shouldn't be at school. Unless you'd rather hang out here, not feeling sorry for yourself. PEYTON : Fine. If it'll get you out of my house, I'll go to school. DEREK : Fine. I'll drive you. PEYTON : Fine. (Peyton starts going to her room) DEREK : Get moving. It's 0800. PEYTON (to herself) : I like the other Derek better. RIVERCOURT Lucas is making free throws and Skills and Nathan are watching SKILLS : L. Scott... 20 in a row. The boy is on fire. LUCAS : You ready for tonight? NATHAN : I'd feel a lot better if I had you watching my back the whole time. LUCAS : I know, but I promised my mom not a second more than 15 minutes. SKILLS : It ain't like it's gonna take us half the time to beat the chumps we're playin' tonight anyway. Then we're going to states, so you know what that means. We're about to be V.I.P. around here, dawg. I'm about to have all the females getting my name tattooed all over their body. (Nathan sees Daunte's car approaching) NATHAN : I'll be right back. Nathan talks with Daunte NATHAN : Daunte. Hey, man. Um... I don't have your money yet. I tried to get a loan from my mom, and it turns out she's not doing so good. I know it's 10 grand. DAUNTE : 15. NATHAN : What? DAUNTE : You don't make your payments on time, juice keeps running on the money. NATHAN : You said I could pay you back whenever. DAUNTE : Yeah. It goes without saying there's a price with that. I mean, this is the streets, Nathan. We're not bank of Tree Hill. NATHAN : What am I supposed to do? I can't come up with that kind of cash overnight. DAUNTE : Well, I could forget the amount. The Ravens are favored to win by 10 points tonight. A lot of people are betting on it. NATHAN : I think we're a lock to win by a lot more than that. We're gonna blow those guys out. DAUNTE : Uh, not if you want your debt to go away. Look, Nathan, you can win the game... just don't win it by more than nine points. NATHAN : No way. DAUNTE : Nathan, I'm not asking you to lose. The Ravens will still win and go to the state championship. You'll be debt-free. The way I see it, everybody wins. Look, Nathan, I'm trying to help you out, here. Before you get yourself in trouble, take the offer, or have my money tonight. Lucas and Skills, looking at Nathan and Daunte from afar LUCAS : Do you know those guys? SKILLS : Not personally, but I heard they're into a lot of bad stuff, so anything they want with Nate can't be good. ONE TREE HILL CREDITS BROOKE'S FASHION SHOW Brooke is looking at her models BROOKE : You look amazing... You look perfect... this looks really, really good. (Rachel is there too) BROOKE : And you look lost. The plus-size show is next door. RACHEL : Very funny. Let me ask you... if I am so fat, why am I on the cover of Maxim? (She shows Brooke the magazine) BROOKE : What?! RACHEL : For the first time ever, Maxim put a hometown hottie on the cover, and that hottie is me! BROOKE : Oh, my god! RACHEL : Okay, let's celebrate tonight after the game. BROOKE : Um... oh, I can't. I have plans tonight. RACHEL : Let me guess... you're going out with Mr. Chavez. BROOKE : I don't know what you're talking about. RACHEL : Don't play dumb. I saw you sneak out last night to meet him. You claimed it was over. BROOKE : And you claim you're not a slut, and that is such a lie. RACHEL : I never claimed I wasn't a slut. BROOKE : You know, you need to worry less about my love life and more about your own with, like, every guy in America, because you are so hot in this spread! RACHEL : I know. (Rachel leaves) INSIDE TREE HILL HIGH Peyton is in the hallway and get scared by the bell. She opens her locker and sees Eli's drawing, remembering her psycho Derek's tattoo. She starts to freak out when Lucas arrives LUCAS : Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Peyton, what's wrong? Oh, come on. Let's get you home. DOCTOR'S OFFICE Deb is with her doctor DEB : I don't know what's wrong with me. My back problems just won't let up. DOCTOR : Perhaps physical therapy could help. DEB : Or those, um, those pills you gave me the last time. They fixed me right up. DOCTOR : To be honest with you, Deb, I am not comfortable prescribing you more medication. DEB : Okay, this is awkward. Um... I guess we both know I don't actually have back problems. My issues are far more complicated. I've lost my son, my husband, and I've realized that without my family... dysfunctional as it was... I'm a failure. DOCTOR : Deb, I'm sure these pills are making you feel better, but they are not the answer. You need to get your life in order, starting with therapy. DEB : You're right. DOCTOR : I will make the appointment for you. (The doctor leaves the office and Deb writes her own prescription) TREE HILL CLASS ROOM Students are taking picture of them with Rachel. Nick comes in NICK : Okay, everyone, settle down. People! Magazines aren't allowed in class. NICK (to Rachel) : And, you, stop making a spectacle of yourself. RACHEL : What's the matter, Mr. Chavez? I thought you liked high-school girls. NICK : After school, miss Gatina. BROOKE'S FASHION SHOW ANNOUNCER (voiceover) : And next, we presents the latest line from Hoes Over Bros by designer Brooke Davis. (Mouth is with Brooke watching the fashion show from backstage) TIA : Mouthy... can you come over here and help me put on my shoe? I don't want to chip my nails. (Brooke smiles at Mouth and he goes to help Tia) TIA : Thanks. (She starts leaving but stops and kiss Mouth) TIA : Now I know why they call you "Mouth." By the way, I'm really excited for tonight. (Tia leaves and after a few seconds Gigi arrives) GIGI : Hey, you. I heard you're helping out with Brooke's show. MOUTH : Yeah. Uh... came to check it out? GIGI : Came to check you out. And I had to ask you a question. Which do you like better, red or blue? MOUTH : Red, I guess. Why? GIGI : I was trying to figure out what to wear tonight... on our date. MOUTH : Right... our date... tonight. GIGI : Well, red it is. Okay, see you tonight. MOUTH : Yeah. Tonight. THE APARTMENT Haley is welcoming the kids, a boy and a girl HALEY : Hey, guys, come on in. Good to see you. Oh, I'm so excited to have the kids. HALEY (to the mom) : Um, listen, I don't want you to worry. I've read all the latest childcare periodicals, and I'm CPR certified, and I've stacked up on organicnacks and some really fun learning games for the kids. So if you have any questions, feel free. MOM : Just one. Do you have the numbers for the local authorities? HALEY : Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah. MOM : Super. I'll see you later. (The mom leaves) HALEY : Okay. Okay, kids, what do you want to do first? (They disappear in the apartment) HALEY : Kids? TREE HILL HIGH Rachel comes to see Nick Chavez after the class NICK : I'd say, "nice spread," but that's probably inappropriate for a teacher. RACHEL : Bet you wouldn't have a problem saying it to Brooke. Aren't you her teacher, too? NICK : I get it. You like to be the center of attention, get a rise out of people. It's the hallmark of insecurity. RACHEL : Wow. You're an underpaid high-school teacher sleeping with a student, and I'm insecure? Yeah, okay. NICK : You seem to be in the driver's seat, miss Gatina. So what do you want? RACHEL : Just one thing. I think we should close the door for this. (She closes the door) PEYTON'S BEDROOM Peyton is lying on her bed, crying when Lucas and Derek come in LUCAS : Hey. Peyton, uh... you have a visitor. I have to go to the café before the game, and I didn't want you to be alone, so I called him. DEREK : What happened? PEYTON : Nothing. I don't know. I had a panic attack, I guess. DEREK : So you weren't fine, but you went to school anyway, just to prove me wrong. PEYTON : Okay. Fine, I learned my lesson, and now I'm a mess. You got what you wanted, I guess. DEREK : What I want is for you to admit you have a problem so we can deal with it, instead of hiding and pretending everythg's fine. Everyday, people all over the world get beat down. They lose their families, they lose their friends, and every day, those people fight like hell to put their lives back together! They don't curl in a ball and give up. LUCAS : Look, you need to back off. She's had a rough day. DEREK : It won't get easier with you babying her every step away. You think you can protect her, but you can't. The sooner both of you realize that, the better. You know when the world backs off, Peyton? When you make it back off. PEYTON : Fine. Then back the hell off. DEREK : Okay. Guess I'm done wasting my time. (Derek leaves) LUCAS : I think I like the other Derek better. I'm... sorry. I shouldn't have called him. PEYTON : No, it's fine. He's a pain in the ass, but he's right. You should go, too. I'll meet you at the game. LUCAS : No, you can come with me. PEYTON : I can't keep letting you save me. Got to learn to get by on my own. I'll be fine. I've got my watchdog. LUCAS : Yeah, it's... kind of disturbing. PEYTON : He keeps the monsters at bay. (Lucas leaves) BROOKE'S FASHION SHOW Rachel comes to see Brooke BROOKE : Hey. RACHEL : How's it going? BROOKE : Amazing. Buyers have been coming up, saying they want my line in their stores. I'm so psyched I'd pass out, but I have another show in an hour. (Brooke sit down with Rachel. Rachel seems sad) BROOKE : What's the matter? RACHEL : I wish my timing was better on this, but, um... there's something you need to know about Nick. BROOKE : What? RACHEL : Well, he kept me after school today, and... when we were alone, he hit on me. You can't see him anymore, Brooke. He's a bad guy. Do you understand that? BROOKE : I understand that you don't have a boyfriend right now, and maybe you're feeling a little jealous. It's normal, but... RACHEL : All right, you don't believe me. You know what? Never mind. See you later. (Rachel leaves) [SCENE_BREAK] DRUGSTORE The clerk is looking at Deb's prescription, thinking DEB : Um, what's the holdup? CLERK : I... I think there's a mistake here. It looks like your doctor has prescribed three different sedatives. DEB : I have a complicated condition, and I'd appreciate a little sensitivity. CLERK : I'm still gonna have to confirm this with your doctor's office. (The clerk tries to reach the phone but Deb stops him) DEB : Listen, little man! I don't know what your problem is, but I don't have time for this crap! How hard is it to fill one lousy prescription?! Just walk your midget, little legs back there, put the pills in the bottle, and hand them over to mommy. Can you do that, stumpy? CLERK : Y-yeah, yeah. Yeah, y-yeah, fine. (The clerk leaves and gets a phone from the back shop) THE APARTMENT Haley walks to the bathroom door, with snacks HALEY : Randy, sweetie? Been in there a long time! I have some snacks! (The little girl bring Haley a mug) HALEY : Is this for me? Thank you, sweetie. (She starts drinking but spit it out immediately) HALEY : What is that? GIRL : Dirt and water. HALEY : Dirt and water? I don't know... (Haley is interrupting by Randy who's running outside the bathroom) HALEY : Oh! Gosh. Wow! That's a... cool costume. (They start fighting with fake swords) GIRL : Slash her, Randy! Slash her! HALEY : Hey GIRL : Slash her, Randy! (Haley gives up and locked herself in the bathroom) SCOTT'S HOUSE Nathan is alone NATHAN : Sorry, mom. I'll pay you back. I promise. (He opens the vault, but find it empty) (Behind him, the tv is on) TV ANNOUCER (voiceover) : And in local news, Mayor Scott's ex-wife, Deb Scott, was arrested today after attempting to purchase drugs, using a falsified prescription. NATHAN : Damn it, mom. DEB (from the tv) : You know who I am? THE CAFÉ Dan is there with Karen watching the news TV ANNOUCER (voiceover) : If convicted, Mrs. Scott could face up to ten years in prison. She is currently at Tree Hill County jail awaiting bail. DAN : Guess Deb won't be making the game tonight. TREE HILL HIGH Brooke enters Principal Turner's office BROOKE : Principal Turner, they told me you wanted to see me, but I'm kind of in a rush, so... TURNER : Miss Davis, there are allegations that our newest teacher, Mr. Chavez, has been having sexual relations with a student, and we're told that student is you. BROOKE : That's not true. TURNER : It's a serious matter, and until it's cleared up, Mr. Chavez is suspended. If it comes to light any part of the allegations are true... he'll be fired. BROOKE : But they're not, and whoever said that to you is lying. Who would do that? (Rachel enters the room) RACHEL : I would. BROOKE'S FASHION SHOW Nick comes to visit Brooke NICK : I got suspended today. BROOKE : I know. NICK : Did you also know that Rachel's a conniving bitch? I thought she was a friend of yours. Why would she go to the principal? BROOKE : Because she said you hit on her. NICK : Brooke... BROOKE : Is it true? NICK : How can you even ask that? Especially since she hit on me. She made some snide comment about us in class. It got me worried. I tried talking to her, but she started coming on to me. Said she thought older guys were hot. BROOKE : I can't believe she'd do that... not to me. NICK : Brooke, people talk about her. Even the teachers. I get the sense that this behavior's pretty typical for Rachel. BROOKE : Yeah, but I'm her friend. NICK : Hey... I'm sorry about this. But I think you know me. I hope you do. How well do you know Rachel? (Tia is interrupting, holding the red dress she was wearing earlier for the show) TIA : Hey, Brooke? Oh, sorry if I'm interrupting, but do you mind if I borrow this dress tonight? I'm headed into town with my girls and I got to look fierce. BROOKE : Sure. You know, why don't you keep it? TIA : Really? Ahhh! Thank you! Aah. Hey, what do you think? Bitchin', right? NICK : Definitely. TIA : Okay. (Tia leaves) NICK : That's some dress. What do you think my chances are of getting such an amazing, talented designer to kiss me? (Brooke kiss him) POLICE STATION Dan comes to get Deb out of the cell DAN : So, which one of you whores is my ex-wife? Oh, right. The old one on the end. DEB : You came all the way down here just to rub it in my face? DAN : Yes. But I also have a proposition. I can get you out of this fix. But you have to sign Tric back to Karen. DEB : Go to hell. DAN : No, I don't think you understand. I can bail you out and use my clout as mayor to have the charges dropped. Hell, I'll even throw in a couple of painkillers for your ride home. Or you can risk spending the next two to four years in prison as some con's cell bitch instead of the regular old bitch you usually are. DEB : You make this go away, and I'm not going to rehab. DAN : O.D. for all I care, Deb, but you're signing Tric back over to Karen. I'll see you on the outside, boozy. THE APARTMENT It is a real mess; the kids are throwing stuffs at Haley, she is hiding behind the table. HALEY (on the phone) : Miss Dunbar? Hi. Yeah, everything's great. I was just wondering when you might be able to come pick up the kids. Well, it's just that I was expecting you... over an hour ago. Well, no, I can't because my husband's got... Hello?! (Haley is getting really upset, she stands up) HALEY : Hey! Who wants to go for a ride? INSIDE TREE HILL GYM The gym is full; the team is practicing before the game MOUTH : The crowd is electric tonight. One more win, and the Tree Hill Ravens will make the state finals for the first time in 18 years. More than ever before, all eyes are on Nathan Scott. Nathan runs to Whitey NATHAN : Hey, coach, I thought you should know... I made the call to Duke. I'm gonna take the scholarship. WHITEY : What about Haley? NATHAN : She's gonna come with me. WHITEY : Well, congratulations, son. You're doing the right thing. But more importantly... you're doing it the right way. NATHAN : Thanks, coach. (Nathan leaves Whitey and sees Daunte and Bear in the audience) LUCAS : Hey, what are those guys doing here? NATHAN : How should I know? LUCAS : Well, I saw you talking to them on the River Court. NATHAN : Mind your own business, Luke. The cheerleaders are warming up RACHEL : Oh! Well, nice outfit, Brooke. I am so jealous of it. Oh, wait, look. I'm wearing the same thing. I am so freaking full of jealousy. BROOKE : Yeah, I know something else you're full of. The game starts; Peyton enters the gym but freak out and leaves OUTSIDE TREE HILL GYM Peyton is running out side, Derek joins her PEYTON : I didn't make it five minutes in there. Go ahead. Call me a baby. DEREK : I didn't come to call you a baby. I'm here to apologize. Look, if I promise to quit being a damn jackass, you think you could forgive me? PEYTON : I don't know. I was kind of getting used to the yelling. DEREK : Look... I know this psycho's still out there, and I know what he did to you, but you have a choice. You can let it destroy you, or you can get up and fight. And if it feels like I'm beating up on you, it's only because I want you to get so pissed off you start swinging back. PEYTON : Well, I don't know if I'm strong enough. DEREK : If you feel like you're not strong enough, then fall back on me. Because I'll be here. Okay? I'll be here as long as you keep trying. PEYTON : You said you didn't want that. DEREK : I know. It's just I haven't let many people in, Peyton. So maybe I was the one who was scared. Five minutes, huh? Tomorrow it'll be six. PEYTON : Okay. DEREK : All right. INSIDE TREE HILL GYM The game is still on WHITEY (yelling) : Hold onto the ball, Scott! SKILLS : Come on, Nate, kick the ball out, man. What's up? NATHAN : Sorry. BOYS LOCKER ROOM Later, it is half time WHITEY : What is going on out there? Can somebody explain to me why we're only four points up when we should be blowing them out of the water?! It's like you guys are trying to give away points! Get out there and shoot around! You need it! (The team start going back to the gym) LUCAS : Hey, Nate... what's going on? NATHAN : With what? LUCAS : Well, the way you're playing tonight. It's not nerves. I know you. NATHAN : You don't know anything. LUCAS : Well, I know you were having money problems. And I know Dan didn't help you out. Then suddenly you're talking to those guys out there on court, and now you're playing like crap. What do they want you to do, Nate? What... lose the game? Betray your teammates and your coach for a couple of bucks? NATHAN : All right, listen to me. Take the self-righteous attitude and shove it. Until you're drowning in debt, you've got a wife and a kid on the way, you can't begin to understand what I'm going through. LUCAS : You better help me understand, or I'm going to Whitey. NATHAN : Listen, I'd never lose a game, okay? We're still gonna win... just by less than 10 points. LUCAS : Oh... NATHAN : Lucas, don't, okay? The only reason we've gone this far is because of me. And besides, all anybody cares about is winning. Nobody cares if I gave it my all or not. LUCAS : Do you really believe that? NATHAN : Yeah, okay? I have to believe that. I got no other way out. Unless you got 15 grand lying around. (Whitey walks in) WHITEY : Is there a problem here? LUCAS : No. INSIDE TREE HILL GYM Brooke is walking by Rachel BROOKE : Gee, I really need to stop being roommates with boyfriend-stealing skanks, Peyton. Oh, I mean, Rachel. RACHEL : What are you talking about? BROOKE : I talked to Nick. He told me what really happened. You went in, shoved your magazine spread in his face, and hit on him. RACHEL : I wouldn't do that to you. BROOKE : Really? Let's go over the list of things you have done to me. You tried to seduce Lucas when he was my boyfriend, take my spot as cheer captain, and two weeks ago, you told the entire school that I was pregnant! I was just beginning to think you were a real person, but you're just a slutty, lying liar who lies. Haley is buying some snacks with the kids RANDY AND THE GIRL : Gimme, gimme! Gimme, gimme! HALEY : It's not polite, you guys. Here. Thank you. Sorry... sorry. Hey... Hey, you guys. Now, don't throw popcorn. Hey! Hey! That is not a nice thing to do. (Karen walks by) KAREN : Hey, Haley! How's the babysitting going? HALEY : It's horrible. These kids are driving me crazy. The game's already started. I'm completely stressed out. It's everything I can do... Karen, what am I doing wrong? KAREN : You want the truth? HALEY : Yes. KAREN : Nothing. You just got to hang in there. (The kids drag Haley to the court) HALEY : No, no! (Dan joins Karen) DAN : Glad you could make it. (Dan gives her a paper) KAREN : What's this? DAN : Ownership papers to Tric. It's all yours. KAREN : Dan, what did you do? DAN : Oh, I just beat some sense into Deb. I'm kidding. I caught her at a rare sober moment, offered to get her some help in exchange for Tric. KAREN : Look, uh, accepting an old crib from you is one thing, but this is too much. DAN : You'd rather Deb have it? You saw the news. She could barely take care of herself. Look, no matter your feelings for me, this is the right thing to do... for you and the baby... and for business. Tell me I'm wrong... I'll take it back. (Karen leaves Dan and keeps the paper) PEYTON'S HOUSE Peyton and Derek are bringing a punching bag to her bedroom. PEYTON : Okay, it's definitely the strangest gift I've ever gotten. Not sure that I'm "Million Dollar Baby" material. DEREK : Trust me. If we share any genes, you've got some fight in you. PEYTON : Where'd you learn to box? DEREK : My dad... well, our dad... started me really young. That was before he left my mom and me. You know? Guess this is why I didn't want to meet you. You know, I always hated him for leaving and meeting Ellie... and having you... even though I didn't know you. That kind of anger used to eat me up, you know? Then I started punching it out. You know, taking the pain head on, driving it back. I'm hoping you could do the same, okay? (Derek helps Peyton to put on the gloves) PEYTON : "The world backs off when you make it back off," right? DEREK : Yeah. PEYTON : I don't... I don't know if I can. DEREK : I do. Come on. Now, you want to use your whole body, all right? You want to an on this foot here, all right? (Derek punches the mannequin) PEYTON : Okay. (Peyton starts punching too) DEREK : Yeah. TREE HILL GYM The game is still on MOUTH : Time winding down in the fourth quarter, and the Ravens have a 7-point lead... now 9 points. And the Cats are gonna call time-out. Time-out for the Ravens WHITEY : Nathan, take a seat. NATHAN : What? Why? WHITEY : Because we're up by 9, and I'm not gonna expose my best player to injuries. NATHAN : Coach, we only got a couple seconds left. WHITEY : It only takes one to blow out a knee. Now sit down. Luke, come here. Look, they're gonna be looking to foul. You're our best free-throw shooter. Now, I want you to go in there and ice this thing. SKILLS : One, two, three -- Ravens! Daunte is with Bear in the gallery DAUNTE : If the Ravens score one more point, Nathan Scott doesn't leave this gym in one piece. The game starts again MOUTH : So, Lucas Scott checks in to the game. The Ravens are up by 9. Just five seconds stand between them and a trip to the state championship... Three seconds now. The Ravens pick up a quick steal! And that's gonna ice it. With two seconds left on the clock, the Ravens are headed to the state championship. All that remains is for Lucas Scott to seal it. What's his free-throw percentage, Gigi? GIGI : Well, he's 92% from the line... and 100% hot. (Lucas is ready to shoot, looks at Nathan and miss the first shoot on purpose) MOUTH : If Luke can make this free-throw, the lead will be 10 points, and that would be the Ravens' ninth double-digit victory of the season. (Lucas looks at Nathan again and shoot) MOUTH : The shot is up. And it's no good! The Cats rebound, the buzzer sounds, and this one's over! We won! The crowd go on the floor and this place is going crazy. The Ravens have won by 9! They're headed to the state championship, baby! Yeah! Later, the gym is almost empty, Skills comes to see Mouth SKILLS : Yo Mouth! Great job on the play-by-play, dawg. But now that we going to state, I kind of want to pump up my profile a little bit. So... I was thinking... maybe you could start referring to me as... "Mad Skills Taylor." Everything cool, man? MOUTH : Actually, I need your advice. Um, if you had to choose a date between a super-hot model and her model friends or a nice girl who's kind of odd, who'd you pick? SKILLS : Hmm... that's an interesting dilemma. I say pick the girl that's the most beautiful on the inside. Man, is you crazy?! Look, first of all, models ain't just walking around handing out party passes to no too-short, no-ass kids like you. No disrespect, I'm just saying... don't blow it. I mean, opportunity only gonna knock once. And if you don't answer... I will. The cheerleaders are leaving the gym HALEY : I'm sorry, have you guys seen a little boy, a little girl, blond-hair, blue-eyed, really loud and...? (They shake their heads) HALEY : Great. (She starts freaking out and then sees Nathan with the children playing on the other side of the gym) NATHAN : All right, ready? Okay. So, I'm gonna teach you how to shoot real quick, okay? Put this hand here, that's just for balance. Put your index finger right there. RANDI : Whoa, that was awesome! When I grow up, I want to be just like you. (Lucas walks by Nathan, just looks at him and leaves. Haley joins Nathan) NATHAN : All right, you try. NICK'S PLACE Brooke arrives to see him NICK : Brooke. BROOKE : Hey. Do you mind if I stay here? After all that stuff that happened with Rachel today, I just can't stay with her tonight. NICK : Sure, but I was just heading out to get something to eat. Want to? BROOKE : Yeah. Yeah, I'm starving. Let me just put my bag down. (She put her bag down and sees the red dress she gave to Tia earlier) NICK : Brooke. (Brooke opens the bedroom's door and sees Tia in underwear) NICK : Brooke. BROOKE : Well, I don't know who I hate more... Mr. Chavez. You, for being a lying b*st*rd or me for believing your crap and betraying my friend. (She slaps him, takes her bag, slaps him again and leave) LUCAS (voiceover) : Regret comes in all shapes and sizes. Some are small... like when we do a bad thing for a good reason. RACHEL'S HOUSE Brooke enters Rachel's room BROOKE : Hi, friend. LUCAS (voiceover) : Some are bigger... like when we let down a friend. BROOKE : You were right. RACHEL : I'm sorry, Brooke. I wish I wasn't. OUTSIDE A RESTAURANT Mouth is waiting... Gigi arrives LUCAS (voiceover) : Some of us escape the pangs of regret by making the right choice. MOUTH : Hi. I'm glad I picked red. You look beautiful. THE APARTMENT The mom comes get the kids HALEY : Thank you. Goodbye. (The little girl hugs Haley before she left) HALEY : That's actually kind of sweet. (The little girl put a paper on her back witch says "kick me", Nathan shows her) HALEY : Or not. NATHAN : You still think you like kids? HALEY : I'll like our kid. LUCAS (voiceover) : Some of us have little time for regret because we're looking forward to the future. Sometimes we have to fight to come to terms with the past. And sometimes we bury our regret by promising to change our ways. RIVERCOURT Lucas is playing alone, Nathan comes to see him NATHAN : Wanted to say thanks. I know how hard it was for you to throw those points away. Look... I'll make it up to you and the team at state, okay? The point-shaving was just a one-time thing. It's over now. LUCAS (voiceover) : But our biggest regrets are not for the things we did... but for the things we didn't do. Things we didn't say... that could have saved someone we care about... LUCAS : Nathan... you know I'll always be there for you. But never again. LUCAS (voiceover) : ...especially when we can see the dark storm that's headed their way.

Plan: A: Brooke; Q: Who has her hands full with her model for the T.A.R.T. fashion show and a new boyfriend? A: Rachel; Q: Who makes the cover of "Maxim"? A: chaos; Q: What does Rachel's appearance on the cover of "Maxim" cause at Tree Hill High? A: Lucas; Q: Who learns of Nathan's dealings with Daunte? A: basketball; Q: What does Lucas love? A: Haley; Q: Who takes on a babysitting job? A: Derek; Q: Who is Peyton's half-brother? A: her deepest fears; Q: What does Peyton's half-brother force her to confront? Summary: Brooke has her hands full with her model for the T.A.R.T. fashion show and a new boyfriend. Rachel makes the cover of "Maxim," causing chaos at Tree Hill High. Meanwhile, Lucas learns of Nathan's dealings with Daunte, and ultimately has to choose between Nathan and his love for basketball. Haley takes on a babysitting job only to find herself in over her head and Peyton's half-brother, Derek, forces her to confront her deepest fears.

MUSIC IN: INT. CARR BEDROOM - NIGHT (MUSIC OVER ACTION/JAMIE ACTS IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CUBICLE - NIGHT (ON MONITOR) Can't you take it all off? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT (MUSIC OVER ACTION/JAMIE CONTINUES DANCING) JAMIE CARR: Be patient, boys. (MUSIC OVER ACTION) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CUBICLE - NIGHT (ON MONITOR) Rain! Look behind you!...Turn around -- [SCENE_BREAK] JAMIE: (SCREAMS) Ach -- INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT (MUSIC OVER ACTION/JAMIE STRUGGLES WITH THE INTRUDER) (MUSIC UP AND OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLES/ SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: (INTO PHONE) Now listen, sweetheart, I need a table on the terrace for Friday at nine o'clock. It's not negotiable. Tell Valentino it's Agent DiNozzo, we're friends. (IN ITALIAN) Grazie, mi amore. Ciao. MCGEE: Valentino's, huh? Must be a special occasion. TONY: I'm taking Monica for her birthday. MCGEE: You know, I know a great place in Georgetown. Just as romantic, half the price. TONY: That's a good idea, Probie, but Monica's not exactly the Applebee's type. MCGEE: I've never seen you like this, Tony. You must really like this girl. TONY: Well, she's got the whole package; beauty, class, sophistication. All that's left is to decide on the perfect gift. ZIVA: I thought you gave all your girls Honey Dust? TONY: How do you....? Probie, something you want to tell me? MCGEE: It's not my fault. ZIVA: Don't be embarrassed, Tony. I find the taste of Honey Dust to be extremely erotic. TONY: What a coincidence, so do I. GIBBS: I don't. Gear up. We're heading to Dumfries. A corporal's wife is missing. Local police think she may have been abducted. TONY: What did I tell you about telling her about my personal life? MCGEE: I'm sorry. She tricked me again. TONY: Hey, next time, why don't you tell her how I lost my virginity? ZIVA: I've been meaning to ask you about that, Tony. How does a fifteen year old boy go about meeting a coquette? MCGEE: She means Rockette, boss. (SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE CLOSED) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. HOUSE - DAY (SFX: SIREN) ZIVA: Where did all these people come from? TONY: Didn't you see the signs? It's yard sale day. ZIVA: I see. And do Marines sell their yards often? MCGEE: No, it's actually when people gather stuff they don't want anymore, and sell it in their yards. ZIVA: Why would anyone want to buy somebody else's junk? TONY: One man's junk is another man's treasure. ZIVA: In Israel, we have a saying. "Zevel Ze Zevel." Crap is crap. GIBBS: Her name is Jamie Carr. Police got a call from the next door neighbor. No one's seen her in two weeks. ZIVA: Why are they assuming abduction? GIBBS: Back door's kicked in. McGee, you take the perimeter. MCGEE: On it. GIBBS: Ziva, check with the neighbor who called it in. Tony, you're with me. ZIVA: Is there a reason I'm always the one taking statements? TONY: Obviously you're good at getting people to talk. ZIVA: Don't blame McGee. I was merely being curious. TONY: About my s*x life? ZIVA: About American customs. Some of the men I've been meeting seem to be a little, how you say, uptight? TONY: Define uptight-- GIBBS: Today, DiNozzo! TONY: On your six, Boss! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY (DOOR OPENS) TONY: Ooh, I feel like I just walked into page eight of the IKEA catalog. Used to shop there when I was in college. Really reasonable prices. GIBBS: Get to work, DiNozzo. TONY: Yeah (BEAT) I take it the husband's deployed. GIBBS: Iraq. Six months into his second tour. TONY: They bringing him home? GIBBS: Depends what we find here. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BEDROOM - DAY GIBBS: DiNozzo, have McGee break out the Luminol. TONY: You got blood? GIBBS: Someone decided to clean up a twelve inch spot on this carpet. What do you think? [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. YARD - DAY BART: You need to relax your eyes. It's a hidden three-D picture. If you look at it just right, a palm tree appears. ZIVA: I think it is broken. BART: Hey, I'm watching you guys! Kids from down the street. They've got sticky fingers. ZIVA: Tell me about Mrs. Carr. BART: Oh, she pretty much keeps to herself. Never really clicked with the rest of the wives. ZIVA: Are you in the military, Mister Powell? BART: No, my wife is. She's a Staff Sergeant in the Corps. ZIVA: Deployed? BART: Yeah, to Wal-mart. She should be back in about an hour or so. ZIVA: What do you do? BART: Well, Corps takes up most of my wife's time, so I take care of the kids and the house. ZIVA: You are a domesticated house husband? BART: Well, I never heard it put quite like that, but yeah, I suppose I am. ZIVA: Is crime a problem around here? BART: Are you kidding? It's a Marine neighborhood. We have no crime. ZIVA: I wouldn't say that. You're about to get robbed. Have your wife give me a call. BOY: (V.O.) Come on, get out of here! BOY TWO: (V.O.) Run! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BEDROOM - DAY TONY: Huh. So much for gone but not forgotten. GIBBS: Husband's away at war, DiNozzo. People cope in different ways. TONY: She's found at least one way to cope. ZIVA: Careful. You could poke an eye out with that. Twist the end, Tony. Haviar Christian Number Five. It's a perfume. Big in France. TONY: Maybe that's what I'll get Monica for her birthday. ZIVA: It's two thousand dollars an ounce, Tony. GIBBS: Sounds steep. TONY: Yeah, she's not really a perfume kind of gal. GIBBS: I meant for a Corporal's wife, DiNozzo. TONY: I knew that. MCGEE: I found some blood drops out back. Hidden underneath some bags of mulch. Looks consistent with a dragged body, boss. GIBBS: Where exactly, McGee? MCGEE: On the concrete patio. I taped-off the area. ZIVA: Something wrong, McGee? TONY: He's fine. He's just never been in a woman's bedroom. (INTERCUT FLASHBACK SCENES) MCGEE: I've seen this room before. (INTERCUT FLASHBACK SCENES) MCGEE: In a video clip. TONY: Like a porno? MCGEE: No, a girlfriend is always e-mailing me these internet videos. She sent me one of this room last week. TONY: Why do I find that hard to believe? MCGEE: What, you never get forwarded weird videos to your e-mail? TONY: All the time. I meant the part about you having a girlfriend. MCGEE: This clip showed a woman supposedly being murdered live on the internet. (INTERCUT FLASHBACK SCENE) ZIVA: Why didn't you report it, McGee? MCGEE: I um... assumed it was a hoax, a badly made snuff film. TONY: You know what happens when you assume, McGee? MCGEE: Yeah. Gibbs is going to kill me. Again. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY GIBBS: Doesn't look like a hoax to me, McGee. MCGEE: Boss, I'm sorry. It didn't occur to me... GIBBS: Abby, talk to me. ABBY: I was analyzing the file, Gibbs. It's compressed MPEG-Four, both fields are rendered using a Kodak that scales down the number of colors in.... GIBBS: In English, Abby. ABBY: Well, from what I can tell, it looks like the image is real. There's no signs of layered special effects or tampering. Sorry, McGee. GIBBS: I want to know where it came from. You've got an hour. MCGEE: Fine boss, I don't need an hour. I scanned through Jamie's hard drive. I found it. That is Jamie Carr, or "Rain," on the right. Her webcam ran a direct feed into this website. ABBY: She was running a s*x site from her bedroom, Gibbs. MCGEE: And her murder was recorded during a live session, and distributed throughout the net. GIBBS: By who? MCGEE: Anyone that could have been logged on to the site at the time. It could be hundreds of people. ABBY: Or thousands, Gibbs. There's a big market for desperate housewives performing behind closed doors. Some of these ladies got rich doing it. GIBBS: Or dead, Abby. Who's the other girl? ABBY: Net name's "Skyler." She runs the site. I traced her webcam feed back to the same neighborhood as Jamie Carr. MCGEE: It's the residence of Sergeant Jake Roberts, also deployed in Iraq. His wife, Leanne, lives there alone. GIBBS: Get the car. MCGEE: You got it, Boss. ABBY: You know, it's not his fault, Gibbs. If we investigated every weird video on the internet, I mean, you know? Okay, you don't, but trust me. Cyberspace is crammed full of all kinds of bizarre things. It's a whole new world in there, Gibbs, and a lot of it ain't pretty. GIBBS: You can say the same thing about this one, Abs. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STREET - NIGHT MCGEE: I can't believe I didn't call it in. TONY: Don't beat yourself up, Probie. Same thing happened to me once. MCGEE: Really? When? TONY: Last month frat brother emailed me a video of a dachshund skateboarding. I was positive it was a fake. Then I turned on the TV a few nights ago, saw the exact same dog skateboarding on Letterman. MCGEE: You're really enjoying this, aren't you? TONY: Probably not as much as you did when you told Ziva my life story. GIBBS: There's nobody home. Hasn't been for a while.(SFX: GLASS BREAKS INSIDE) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOUSE - NIGHT (SFX: DOOR BURSTS OPEN) (MUSIC OVER ACTION) (SFX: CATS SCREECH) GIBBS: Clear! MCGEE: Clear. TONY: It's going to be a long night, McGee. (CUT TO BLACK) MUSIC IN: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY GIBBS: We have two crime scenes, one website, zero bodies. I want some answers. TONY: Jamie Carr, Leanne Roberts, started the "Naughty Naughty Neighbors" website nine months ago. The site has over two thousand members and records about fifty-thousand hits a day. GIBBS: Is that a lot? TONY: Well, let me give you some scope here. Playboy dot com five million hits a day. The official NCIS website... less than four hundred. ZIVA: Which proves what I've long suspected. Despite the conservative image, Americans really love their p0rn. I mean, I was just saying basically that Americans... GIBBS: Continue, DiNozzo. TONY: When Naughty Naughty Neighbors debuted, it was nothing more than a couple girls in lingerie. Membership fee was nine bucks which is about average for this kind of content. As the clothes came off, the admission fee went up. And up. And up. Today the fee stands at twenty three ninety five which is kind of high. But platinum membership? We're talking private chats and shows -they want forty five bucks a month. I mean, can anyone say rip off? (BEAT) What? ZIVA: That's a lot of research, Tony. TONY: I've been working from home. GIBBS: I want detailed profiles of anyone who's ever been a member or is a member of that site. TONY: That's like thousands of people, Boss. GIBBS: Then you better get started, huh? ZIVA: You really believe this is an obsessed voyeur? The women's identities were protected by masks. GIBBS: Half a mask. ZIVA: Still the odds of us finding him off a list that size are... GIBBS: Are better than the odds of you winning this argument. MCGEE: Good news, boss. Naughty Naughty Neighbors has a webmaster. GIBBS: Web what? MCGEE: Webmaster. It's a person that is hired to design and update the page. His name is Carter Finch. TONY: Is this guy like a Super Fly cyber pimp? MCGEE: Not exactly. I just got off the phone with his mother. He lives in her basement. TONY: Oh, that's kind of depressing. GIBBS: Tony, take Ziva with you. McGee, pull financial records on both women. MCGEE: Already done. They both have joint accounts with their husbands. Neither has any indication of any additional income. GIBBS: Profits? MCGEE: Probably routed through a third party. GIBBS: Oh, the page master? MCGEE: Who? GIBBS: This guy!? MCGEE: Uh, yeah. Uh, no. Definitely not. No, he has less than two hundred dollars in his account. Been that way for the past year so the money could be anywhere. (LONG BEAT) I'm going to find it. I have no idea how. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY JIMMY: What are you doing, Doctor Mallard? DUCKY: Performing an autopsy, Mister Palmer. JIMMY: Shouldn't we have a body? DUCKY: Usually. Sometimes, however, one is forced to play the cards one is dealt. Often our greatest accomplishments come from our most trying moments. JIMMY: Ninety seven NBA Finals. Jordan has food poisoning. Still hits the Jazz up for forty. DUCKY: I was thinking of something with a little more historical significance. The landings at Normandy, for example. JIMMY: Oh D-Day. DUCKY: Yes. You know, the fighting went far beyond the beaches, lasted for weeks. My uncle was there, Major Monty Mallard. Yes, fatigued and injured, he turned to his troops and said... GIBBS: The French wine in this particular region is terribly overrated. DUCKY: Anyone would think you'd heard that story before. GIBBS: What do you make of the video? DUCKY: We're dealing with an amateur. Anyone with any kind of training would have used far more pressure, making sure the trachea was severed. GIBBS: She survive long, Duck? DUCKY: Yeah, well a cut that shallow, the victim would go in and out of consciousness for several minutes. The poor girl died a slow and excruciating death. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BASEMENT - DAY CARTER: This is the first I've heard about any snuff video. I just knew that Jamie was missing. TONY: Not just Jamie. Leanne, too. CARTER: Do you think it has something to do with the website? TONY: Well, that would make sense now, wouldn't it? ZIVA: How did you not see the video? Don't you run the site? CARTER: Well, I maintain it, but I'm far too busy to watch all the content. TONY: Well, I'll bet you weren't too busy to see the new Star Wars six times. CARTER: Careful with that Wookiee. It's a prototype from nineteen seventy eight. TONY: Aren't you a little too old for toys? CARTER: These aren't toys, they're investments. There are only three seventy eight Wookiees equipped with an ammo belt, and I have one of them. You don't even want to know how much it's worth. TONY: You're right. I don't. CARTER: Six hundred bucks, but I'll sell it for twice that online via Ultra Collectibles and Auctions-dot-com. ZIVA: I see you are also saving money on rent. CARTER: Uh, I can afford my own place. I just live here for my mom you know. She feels safer having me close by. TONY: I'm sure you provide a high degree of protection. ZIVA: Tell us about Jamie and Leanne. CARTER: We're business associates. I manage their website and in exchange, get paid a hundred dollars a week. TONY: A hundred bucks? The site has over two thousand members. At twenty four bucks a pop, that's like... ZIVA: Forty eight thousand a month. TONY: Yeah, that's good. Sounds like the girls are ripping you off. CARTER: It's only one of several websites I've designed. I also do Dungeons and Demons, Buxom Bimbos, and Friends of Furries dot-org. TONY: You designed Buxom Bimbos? ZIVA: How did the three of you meet? CARTER: Leanne always flirted with me when I delivered her paper. And one day I was talking about my website, and she asked about-- TONY: Back up a step there. You were a paperboy? CARTER: I used to be a news distributor, okay? Paperboy is such an archaic term. TONY: Nine year olds don't mind it. ZIVA: How did Jamie get involved? CARTER: I guess she wanted to make some extra money. That's one reason I'll never get married. (SFX: ZIVA LAUGHS) TONY: I can think of a couple others. ZIVA: When was the last time either of them contacted you? CARTER: It's been like a month. I mean, with a design like mine, the site pretty much runs itself. TONY: (LAUGHING) Is your mother wondering why we're here? CARTER: I kind of told her this was for a job interview.(SFX: TONY LAUGHS ALOUD) TONY: Ah, I'll be in the car. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - NIGHT GIBBS: What do you have, Abs? ABBY: Um, a Ph D in p0rn. I spent the last six hours searching through webcam files trying to find some kind of lead. And I have consumed more p0rn than Tony has in his lifetime. Okay, maybe not, but I have watched a lot of smut. GIBBS: You learn anything? ABBY: I'm not nearly as flexible as I should be. GIBBS: Anything about the case? ABBY: Right. I was getting to that. I filtered through all of Jamie's files, and I found the original feed of her murder. GIBBS: This helps? ABBY: That it does. By coordinating the original stream with the hard drive, I obtained the date and time that the file was written. I know when Jamie Carr was murdered! Eight days ago at nine p.m. To you that would be twenty-one hundred hours, Sir! GIBBS: That's good work, Abby. (GIBBS WALKS O.S.) ABBY: I do what I can. And as a reward, I will treat myself to more exciting girl-on-girl action. CHARLES: (V.O.) Miss Sciuto. ABBY: Whoa! Okay, that was quieter than Gibbs. CHARLES: Oh, that's my high-tech Model Fives. Yeah, they're designed to dampen ambient sound. ABBY: Nice shoes. Who are you? CHARLES: Charles Sterling. Your new assistant, Ma'am. ABBY: I did not order a new assistant. CHARLES: Well, that's strange. Human resources told me to report tonight. ABBY: That's great. I tell them that I do the work of ten people and I need a raise. And I get... this. CHARLES: I don't know about your raise, Ma'am, but I am a huge fan of your work. Journal of Forensic Sciences. "Deducting drop size and velocity from circular blood stains." ABBY: I did not know anyone actually read that. CHARLES: Oh, yeah. Anytime I undertake a mission, I recon the situation so I can best adapt myself to the surroundings.... Ma'am. ABBY: Okay, do me a favor, Chip? CHARLES: It's Charles, Ma'am. ABBY: Charles. CHARLES: Charles. ABBY: Don't call me Ma'am. It's Abby. And can you just hang tight here for a second, 'cause um... I need to make a short moustache - a quick....a quick phone call. I need to make a phone call. I'll be right back. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OUTER LAB - NIGHT ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Gibbs, I have a problem down here. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LANDING - DAY SHEPARD: You needed to see me? GIBBS: Abby Sciuto's new assistant. SHEPARD: Abby's overworked. She needed help down there. GIBBS: You haven't been here long enough to know what she needs yet, Jen. SHEPARD: The girl practically mainlines caffeine, Gibbs. The guys in the mailroom call her "Energizer Abby." GIBBS: She works best alone. She's a lot like you - very hands-on. SHEPARD: Give it a month, Jethro. If she's still unhappy we'll talk about it. You can give me a month, can't you? GIBBS: It's not me you have to worry about, Director. Abby works alone for a reason. SHEPARD: Which is? GIBBS: Something you should ask her yourself. SHEPARD: I will. I'm briefing SecNav in about an hour. Anything on the two missing Marine wives? GIBBS: Not yet. SHEPARD: I need more than that, Jethro. GIBBS: Well, you can tell him they were running an internet s*x site while there husbands were deployed and, as a result of that, they may have been murdered. SHEPARD: I guess I can hold off briefing him for a little while. (PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: Good call, Madam Director. (INTO PHONE) Gibbs. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: Chow's getting cold, McGee. MCGEE: No time. I have to find where all this Naughty Naughty Neighbors website money went because if I don't, Gibbs might actually decide to kill me this time. TONY: He has an excellent point. MCGEE: This doesn't make sense. They made almost five hundred thousand dollars. It just can't disappear. ZIVA: Money changes hands, McGee. Rarely does it disappear. MCGEE: Money maybe, but there are only two people who had access to this cash, and both of them have vanished. GIBBS: Not anymore. Dumfries Police Department found Leanne Roberts. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. JUNKYARD - DAY (CAMERA ANGLE ON LIFELESS BODY) (MUSIC UP AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. JUNK YARD - DAY DUCKY: I'm sorry, Jethro. There's just too many parameters. Fully clothed, sealed in the back of a car. It's been a pretty cool and dry week. I couldn't even give you an educated guess as to when she died. GIBBS: The wound is deep. DUCKY: Yes. Consistent with a combat or hunting knife. GIBBS: Like the one on that internet video. (INTERCUT VIDEO SCENE) DUCKY: Yeah, it could be. (SFX: DOG BARKS) TONY: Sweep the yard! See if the dog reacts to any other human remains. MCGEE: Hey, buddy. (SFX: DOG BARKS) MCGEE: She doesn't like people. (ZIVA PETS THE DOG) ZIVA: Hi! Hi! MCGEE: Maybe it's just me. ZIVA: How long is Gibbs planning on keeping us here? TONY: As long as it takes to find the other missing wife. ZIVA: Assuming she's even here, Tony! It could take days to search this place. TONY: Why don't you tell Gibbs that? He loves our input. ZIVA: Are you sure these are corpses-sniffing dogs? TONY: Of course. That's why they're alerting to McGee. He's been a dead man since yesterday. MCGEE: Very funny stuff there, Tony. TONY: Still working on it. ZIVA: How did you end up here, McGee? MCGEE: Well, I rode in the back of the van. You may have noticed my screaming as Tony ran that light. ZIVA: Not here, here. At NCIS. I know Tony's story, what's yours? MCGEE: Do you want the long version or the short version? TONY: Oh, there's only one version. McGee showed up on our doorstep like a little lost poodle. MCGEE: That is not true, Ziva. TONY: No, you're right. It was more like a Saint Bernard. GIBBS: DiNozzo! Ziva! We're out of here! TONY: Thank you, God. MCGEE: What about me, Boss? GIBBS: You're heading up the search. Find me that other body. MCGEE: Why me? I'm not the newbie anymore. Don't you think this is maybe a job for Ziva? GIBBS: I need a trained investigator running this site, McGee. Do you think Ziva fits that bill? MCGEE: I guess not, Boss. TONY: Hey, quit feeling sorry for yourself. Do what you do best. MCGEE: What, you mean screwing up? TONY: No, finding answers when no one else can. ZIVA: That was nice of you. TONY: Never kick a probie when he's down, Ziva. ZIVA: I thought the expression was dog. TONY: It's the same difference. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: You've been through the wars, my dear. Murdered in your own home and then discarded like yesterday's rubbish. GIBBS: What's the time of death, Duck? DUCKY: Based on decomposition and bloating, ten, twelve days ago. GIBBS: She was killed prior to Jamie Carr. JIMMY: X-rays, Doctor. DUCKY: Thank you. JIMMY: What's this translucent jell leaking onto the table? DUCKY: Silicone, Mister Palmer. It appears our young lady's left implant ruptured. As I suspected, cause of death - compound fracture of the skull. JIMMY: My guess would have been on the eight inch gash across her throat. DUCKY: Then you'd have been wrong, Mister Palmer. Such a gash should have resulted in enough loss of blood that would have covered her entire torso. GIBBS: Should have, Duck? DUCKY: Yes, when I cleaned the body there was little to no external blood. She died of blunt force trauma. Once her brain function ceased, the cardio vascular system shut down. GIBBS: Explaining the lack of blood loss. DUCKY: Indeed, Jethro. Leanne Roberts died and then the knife was taken to her neck. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY ZIVA: You never cease to amaze me. TONY: I probably would have gone pro if I hadn't blown out my knee senior year. ZIVA: I was referring to the numerous ways in which you entertain yourself. TONY: Like what? ZIVA: Computer solitaire, paper airplanes, last week's rubber band war. TONY: Oh. Well, in all fairness that was McGee's fault. ZIVA: How? TONY: Well he's the one who brought the rubber bands down from the supply room. Should have known better. ZIVA: I think he learned his lesson. I never knew a rubber band could leave such a welt. TONY: It's all in the release. ZIVA: It's astounding you actually find the time to do your job. TONY: It's what we call the creative process. ZIVA: What's that? TONY: While you were getting your little Banana-Rama thingy, I was finding us a lead. ZIVA: It's Berry Mango Madness. And... I'm listening. TONY: This dude had a platinum membership to the website, restraining order filed against him last year, and lives in the Dumfries area. ZIVA: Name? TONY: Robert T. Sullivan. ZIVA: Checked him out last night. He's been in South Beach, Florida, for the past six weeks. TONY: South Beach is an exotic place. Beaches, babes. Bingo! ZIVA: Mister Sullivan is in a spiritual retreat. He's a Jehovah's Witness. TONY: That would explain the restraining order. Well, only four thousand, three hundred and thirty eight to go. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY ABBY: This has been the longest two days of my life. Popcorn, Chip? Chip, are you with us? CHARLES: Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. I guess I zoned out for a minute. ABBY: It's Abby, and it was like an hour. CHARLES: Look, I... I think I'd feel more comfortable being assigned to another project. ABBY: What's the matter, Chip? You don't like watching p0rn with me? Sorry I'm not one of the fellows, but I'm doing the best I can. CHARLES: I don't really watch explicit material with my peers, Ma'am. Abby. Abby, I don't watch it at all. ABBY: Not buying it, Chip. CHARLES: And why is that? ABBY: Two reasons. One, you're male. Two, you're breathing. CHARLES: See, I find that to be an unfair generalization. Not all men engage themselves in those kinds of immoral activities. ABBY: That's not what Tony says. CHARLES: Yeah, well, I prefer to spend my time more constructively. I have a detailed routine designed to strengthen both my mind and my body. I do calisthenics in the morning, and I do brain teasers at night. ABBY: Home-schooled. CHARLES: How did you know? ABBY: Wild guess. Oh, look at that, Chip. CHARLES: Oh, yes. Video's done. We're done. ABBY: Nope. That was just Jamie Carr's feed. Now it's Leanne Roberts'. CHARLES: Fantastic. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY (SFX: ZIVA POUNDS ON THE KEYBOARD) (SFX: ZIVA SHRIEKS) TONY: Having problems, Officer David? ZIVA: At Mossad we used MAC. I'm yet not accustomed to this operating system. (SFX: ZIVA BANGS ON THE KEYBOARD) MCGEE: It's like I've told Gibbs, that approach never works, Ziva. ZIVA: My approach makes me feel better. TONY: You found Jamie Carr's body? MCGEE: Negative. The police and MPs are continuing the search tomorrow. TONY: We haven't had much luck either. Most of the subscribers for Naughty Naughty Neighbors are out of state. MCGEE: I didn't say I had no luck. About an hour ago I found my ticket back to the land of the living. It was buried under scrap metal about fifty feet from where we found Leanne Roberts' body. Where's Gibbs? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY CALDWELL: (ON MONITOR) I want you to understand, Ma'am, Sergeant Roberts is a good man. SHEPARD: Understood, Captain, but my people still need to talk to him about his wife. CALDWELL: (ON MONITOR) I'd like them to do more than just talk, Ma'am. They have to stop him. GIBBS: From doing what, Captain? CALDWELL: (ON MONITOR) From ruining his life, Sir. (V.O.) My Sergeant Major told me to contact you, Special Agent Gibbs. Sergeant Roberts requested emergency leave two days ago. GIBBS: We just found his wife's body. How's that possible? CALDWELL: (ON MONITOR) He doesn't know she's dead yet, Sir. He requested leave for another reason. SHEPARD: Which was? CALDWELL: (ON MONITOR) A personal matter, Ma'am. GIBBS: We know about the s*x site, Captain. CALDWELL: (ON MONITOR) Well, then you should know that Sergeant Roberts blames one of his neighbors for it. According to his squad, he's planning on killing the man. SHEPARD: And you sent him home to do it, Captain? CALDWELL: (ON MONITOR) I was unaware of his intentions until this morning, Ma'am. Look, I just need your help. Now, the neighbor's name is Bart Powell. GIBBS: When's the Sergeant scheduled to land, Captain? CALDWELL: (ON MONITOR) Tomorrow, Sir. SHEPARD: Check his flight manifest. CALDWELL: (V.O.) He just needs a cool down period, Agent Gibbs. (ON MONITOR) And like I said, he's a good man, and an even better Marine. GIBBS: We're on it, Captain. We'll pick him up at the airport. CALDWELL: Thank you, Sir. My Sergeant Major said that we could count on you. GIBBS: He get that bottle I sent him? CALDWELL: He did. He told me to tell you to keep 'em coming. (MONITOR OFF) (SFX: GIBBS CHUCKLES) SHEPARD: Alcohol is contraband in Iraq. GIBBS: I thought it'd take longer, Jen. SHEPARD: Longer for what? GIBBS: For me to see you as a Director and not a Field Agent. SUMNER: Ma'am, Sergeant Roberts changed his itinerary. He left West Germany last night. SHEPARD: When's he due in? SUMNER: He arrived two hours ago at Dulles. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. POWELL'S HOUSE - DAY (SFX: CARS BRAKE TO A STOP) GIBBS: We're here to stop Sergeant Roberts, not kill him. ZIVA: But what if-- GIBBS: I said stop him, Officer David. ZIVA: Got it! (SHOUTING B.G.) GIBBS: You take the right. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. BACK YARD - DAY BART: I didn't do anything! ROBERTS: Where is she, Powell?! Where's my wife? BART: I don't know! ROBERTS: Where's my wife?! BART: I don't know. I swear! ROBERTS: She told me what you made her do! I'm going to gut you like the pig you are! GIBBS: Drop the knife, Sergeant! Special Agent Gibbs, NCIS. We'll take it from here. ROBERTS: Do you know what he did to my wife, Sir? GIBBS: I do. We're here to take him into custody. ROBERTS: He deserves to die, Sir! GIBBS: I can't let you do that, Sergeant. Sergeant! ROBERTS: My house... there was police tape, blood inside. Leanne's dead, isn't she? GIBBS: I'm sorry, Marine. ROBERTS: You ought to be killed. (POWELL SHOUTS) ROBERTS: What now, Sir? What am I supposed to do now? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY BART: I did not kill Leanne Roberts. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY BART: This is... this is insane. I barely knew her! MCGEE: He wants you to run the tape. ABBY: I guess it was worth it then. MCGEE: Worth what? ABBY: Watching over twenty hours of p0rn with Chip. MCGEE: Who the hell is Chip? SHEPARD: Her new assistant. ABBY: That I didn't ask for, Madam Director. SHEPARD: Abby, it's Director or Ma'am, not madam. How is Mister Sterling working out? ABBY: All I can tell you right now, Ma'am, is that he's easily excitable. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY GIBBS: Barely knew her? BART: All I see is some shadow climbing through her window. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY ABBY: What do you see now? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY BART: Okay, so we had an affair. I mean, that's not a crime. GIBBS: But you know what is? Blackmail. Sergeant Roberts... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY GIBBS: ... Got a letter in Iraq last week from... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY GIBBS: .... His wife explaining everything. BART: About what? GIBBS: You found out about her website and you threatened to tell her husband unless she'd sleep with you. BART: Oh, god! No! No! I wouldn't have! I was just fooling around! GIBBS: You killed her and you killed her website partner, Jamie Carr. BART: No, I didn't kill anyone! GIBBS: You're a liar and you're a predator! And you think anybody is going to believe what you have to say now?! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HALLWAY - DAY SHEPARD: It's been a while since I've seen you in interrogation, Jethro. You haven't lost your touch. GIBBS: I should've let Sergeant Roberts kill him. TONY: Bad news, Boss. Powell's alibi checked out. The week Leanne Roberts was murdered, he was at Disney World with his wife and kids. GIBBS: Did you tell Sergeant Roberts yet? TONY: I thought it would be best if it came from a fellow Marine. So if Powell didn't do it, who did? SHEPARD: That's what we're going to find out, Agent DiNozzo. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY ZIVA: Running a little late this morning? TONY: Stopped at the mall to pick up Monica's gift. It was completely packed. Scott Baio's cutting the ribbon at a new Pottery Barn. ZIVA: Who's Scott Baio? TONY: Exactly. Morning, Probie. (TO ZIVA) What's with him? ZIVA: He's been that way all morning. I do not believe he went home last night. TONY: Ah. Where's Gibbs? ZIVA: He left for coffee. TONY: What do you think? GIBBS: It's not your color, DiNozzo. TONY: Ah, I was just showing Ziva... GIBBS: You're late. TONY: Yeah, I had to run an errand. It was important but it won't ... won't happen again. MCGEE: Boss, I located the money. They had a Cayman account set up to dump the funds into a U.S. account on the fifteenth of every month. ZIVA: Whose account? MCGEE: Her name is Hazel Davenport. ZIVA: We got an address? MCGEE: Yeah, Royal Manor Retirement Home. She's eighty-six years old. She happens to be the maternal grandmother of Carter Finch. GIBBS: See what happens when you show up to work on time, DiNozzo? TONY: Yes. MCGEE: He emptied the account last night and walked out with close to half a mil in cash. GIBBS: What are you waiting for? Bring me Finch. (SHOUTS) Now! TONY: Right. (TO MCGEE) You pulled an all-nighter? MCGEE: Sergeant Roberts deserves answers. TONY: Should've told me. I would've stayed. MCGEE: I know you would've. So why were you late? TONY: I stopped by the mall to pick up Monica's birthday present. MCGEE: Did you see Scott Baio? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY ABBY: Not the knife in the video, Chip! CHARLES: How do you know for sure? ABBY: Because it's obvious.(BEAT) See the butt of the knife? Not the same. This is a Marine Caper. See the blade? CHARLES: Not the same? ABBY: Not the same, Chip. There are no serrations. A different knife killed Leanne Roberts then killed Jamie Carr. CHARLES: That doesn't make any sense. ABBY: That doesn't make any sense. Good, Chip. CHARLES: I really hate being called Chip. ABBY: I really hate that Ozzy got fat and stupid. Live with it. Now here is what really doesn't make sense. Hunting knives, kitchen knives, military knives, ceremonial knives.... Four hundred and twenty-three different kinds of knives. And none of them match this one. CHARLES: That's strange. ABBY: Wrong response, Chip. CHARLES: Nothing matches yet. ABBY: Now you're making sense. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BASEMENT APARTMENT - DAY TONY: Laptop's gone. MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Left in a hurry, Boss. (BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Did you talk to his mother? (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Said that she hasn't seen him since we talked to him. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Tony and Ziva spooked him. (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) You want us to set up surveillance, make sure that we're here when he comes back? TONY: He's not coming back. (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) ZIVA: (V.O.) I checked his cell phone records. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY ZIVA: He has not made or received a phone call since Wednesday of last week. TONY: I can't imagine he has a lot of friends. MCGEE: He doesn't really need them, considering he has half a million dollars in cash. ZIVA: That he picked up over eighteen hours ago. Whoosh. I could be in Rio De Janeiro right now. TONY: Good thing he's not you. Okay, this guy's not smart enough to cover his tracks. MCGEE: He's done pretty well so far. TONY: He does online auctions from his laptop. Super Collectables... ZIVA: Ultra Collectibles and Auctions dot com. Can we trace him? MCGEE: If we can pinpoint some of his items. Do you know what he sells? TONY: Star Wars stuff. MCGEE: That narrows it down to like fifty million people. TONY: Ah. Ah... some kind of figurine. There's only three of them. MCGEE: Yoda? C-Three-P-Oh? Storm Trooper? ZIVA: Wookiee. There's a special edition prototype from nineteen seventy eight. It comes equipped with an ammo belt. There are only three in existence. MCGEE: You're a Star Wars junky, huh? ZIVA: Not especially. TONY: She has a photographic memory, Probie. Not a social disorder. MCGEE: Okay, there is one seventy eight Wookiee posted. Only one with an ammo belt. High bid was over twelve hundred dollars. TONY: Was? MCGEE: He shut down the auction early this morning. Guess he no longer needed the cash. TONY: Can you find him? MCGEE: I'm tracing the host computer I.P. address now. Looks like he last logged on six hour ago. A broadband connection at the Freemont Inn in Woodbridge, Virginia. TONY: That's twenty minutes from here. Ziva, you're with me. McGee... call Gibbs! [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. HOTEL - DAY TONY: If things get hairy, just follow my lead. What's happening, ladies? ZIVA: I don't need a babysitter, Tony. I've been in hundreds of these situations. TONY: Never with me. As far as I'm concerned, you're a Probie. ZIVA: I've never had s*x with you, either. Does that mean I'm a virgin? TONY: Trust is a virtue that's earned, not given. ZIVA: Profound. TONY: I try. (SFX: TONY WHISTLES) ZIVA: Nice ass, yes? TONY: Something like that. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY (DOOR OPENS) TONY: Federal agents! Looks like we missed quite a party. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BATHROOM - DAY ZIVA: Tony, I think you want to take a look at this. TONY: The knife's a K-Bar, a Marine fighting knife. ZIVA: I told Gibbs not to let Sergeant Roberts go home last night. TONY: What do you think of that? Blood? ZIVA: Do you smell that? TONY: Haviar Christian Number Five. You think you're the only one with a memory? ZIVA: That's not blood. It's hair dye. (INTERCUT FLASHBACK SCENE) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY MCGEE: Have you seen Gibbs? ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Gibbs, it's Abby! I need to talk to you! Pronto! (TO MCGEE) Now you may speak, McGee. MCGEE: Do you know where Gibbs is? ABBY: Last time I saw him he was with the Director. MCGEE: I really need to talk to him. ABBY: Not as much as I do. MCGEE: You know what? He better have a good reason for not answering his phone. GIBBS: I was briefing the Secretary of the Navy, McGee. Does that one work for you? MCGEE: Boss, I'm sorry. It's just that we found Carter Finch. Tony and Ziva are probably there now. ABBY: Gibbs, there's more! GIBBS: Where? MCGEE: The Fremont Inn. ABBY: Hello? Gibbs? GIBBS: Get DiNozzo on the phone. Now. MCGEE: Right. ABBY: Gibbs! I can't work like this anymore! (F/X: ABBY SIMULATES A KNIFE ACROSS HER THROAT) ABBY: The knife? It's fake. Two hundred and forty three dollars at your local magic shop. Jamie Carr... faked her own death. (SFX: KEYBOARDING) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. FREMONT INN - DAY TONY: Jamie Carr? I liked you better as a blonde. ZIVA: That is probably not a good idea. TONY: You're probably familiar with this. JAMIE CARR: You wish.(SFX: TONY WHISTLES) (PHONE RINGS) TONY: (INTO PHONE) DiNozzo. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) The knife in the video...(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) ... is a fake, DiNozzo. Jamie Carr is... TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Alive. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) We know. We're looking at her right now. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) What about Carter--? TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Finch? Dead. She offed him in the hotel room, took all the money for herself. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) She's a naughty little kitty cat. Anything else, Boss? (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY (SFX: HANGS UP PHONE) ABBY: Now you know how I feel, Gibbs. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY GIBBS: She claims it was an accident. They fought when your wife wanted out - tell you about the internet site. ROBERTS: It's my fault. I was away for too damn long, Sir. GIBBS: Trust me, Marine. None of this is your fault. ROBERTS: Leanne wanted to start a family. And I told her we couldn't afford it. Maybe when I made Staff Sergeant, you know? I never thought that she'd... GIBBS: I know exactly how you feel. ROBERTS: How do you.. how do you live with it, Sir? GIBBS: Sergeant, you ask yourself that question every day until you find the answer. ROBERTS: And what did you find, Sir? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT SHEPARD: How did Sergeant Roberts take it? GIBBS: He's on his way back to Iraq. SHEPARD: You think that's wise sending a Marine who just lost his wife back into combat? GIBBS: Wise? No, that's what I'd do. SHEPARD: Are you heading out? GIBBS: Yeah. SHEPARD: Good. I'll walk you to your car. (GIBBS AND SHEPARD WALK O.S.) ZIVA: Tony, it's almost nine o'clock. Isn't tonight your big birthday dinner? TONY: We broke up. ZIVA: Why? TONY: Apparently, her husband didn't think it was a good idea. ZIVA: She's married? TONY: Knew she was too good to be true. ZIVA: Do you still have those dinner reservations? My treat. TONY: I guess I could drown my sorrows in surf and turf. ZIVA: That's a good attitude. TONY: I'll catch up. ZIVA: You will not be needing that! (MUSIC OUT)

Plan: A: a Marine Sergeant's wife; Q: What is Jamie Carr's occupation? A: Gibbs; Q: Who is the leader of the team? A: Leanne Roberts; Q: Who was Jamie Carr's neighbor? A: Roberts's body; Q: What is found later? A: the team; Q: Who is unable to find any trace of Carr? A: Chip Sterling; Q: Who is Director Shepard's new assistant? A: Director Shepard; Q: Who hired Chip Sterling? Summary: Jamie Carr, a Marine Sergeant's wife, is thought to have been abducted until Gibbs and his team found evidence to suggest that she may have been murdered live on the internet. Carr and her neighbor, Leanne Roberts, had been making money by running a live internet sex site while their husbands were deployed abroad. Roberts's body is later found but the team is still unable to find any trace of Carr. With the help of her new assistant, Chip Sterling who Director Shepard has hired for her, Abby determines that the video of Jamie might not be all it seems.

TODAY - ZBZ HOUSE - Dining-room Casey : Fellow sisters, welcome to the first meeting of the post-Lizzie era. Congratulations, we're on our own now. And you're probably wondering what that means for you and the house. Ashleigh : That we can finally wear skirts without Lizzie reminding us how hard women fought for suffrage? Casey : Yes. But some of the changes Lizzie made were actually improvements. For example, mandatory pledge study hours. Rebecca : But... we're not actually going to do the 50 extra philanthropy hours, are we? Casey : 75, and yes. And pre-meeting roll call and a little more attention to ritual, and... Rebecca : And are you ever gonna stop "and-ing"? Casey : And there's one more change... Right, we're finally gonna have some real Zeta Beta fun. Girls, girls, I'm very disappointed. We don't snap here. We clap. Frannie : Isn't Casey doing a great job ? Rebecca : Beats our last President. Casey : So tomorrow night is the all-Greek ball. The premier Greek event. And, as you know, this is the first one in two years. I hope you've been skipping desserts where you need to. This is the place to show off. Frannie, do you have a question? Frannie : What? No. I don't have anything to say. Ashleigh : I think Tania just cleared her throat. Casey : Great. Rebecca : So why didn't we have one last year? Casey : Well... There was like this... SNAFU thing at the ball two years ago. Anyway... Moving forward. This is a big deal, since every house, Even alumni lobbied dean Bowman hard for a second chance. I expect nothing less than our best behavior. This could be another step toward getting the dean's restrictions lifted. Frannie : Go, Casey! TODAY - KT HOUSE - Living room Cappie : Okay... So there is this all-Greek ball this weekend. All : Yeah ! Cappie : And we're not going. All : Yeah ! Rusty : No! Why aren't we going? Cappie : Listen to the name, spitter. It's a ball. Like a testicle. I don't want to go to a testicle. Rusty : Sounded kind of fun before that. All the Greeks partying in one place. Cappie : Yeah, sure. If you're looking for a prom part II. Rusty : Well, I didn't have prom part I. Why doesn't anyone want to go? Cappie : It's a long, boring story, Spitter. Rusty : But... Cappie : And meeting adjourned. Adieu! Rusty : What, no one's gonna tell me what happened? Cappie : No, no one is. And if you keep asking you know what I'm gonna do? Yeah, you guessed it. I'm gonna reinstate the pledge diet plan. You remember bacon grease and butter burritos, right? Rusty : Never mind. 2 YEARS AGO - CRU - Cappie & Evan's room Cappie : First day of college. Evan : Hey. Cappie : Hey, nice puberty patch. Evan : Hey, the ladies don't complain about it too much. Cappie : Man, ladies? When did you get a sense of humor, master Chambers? Evan : Shut up you. Cappie : It's good to see you man. Evan : You look good. Cappie : Look at this room. Evan : I know. Cappie : How glorious is this room? Evan : It's not bad. Cappie : Man. Wait a minute. What are? Evan : Our R.A. He is 21 years old, and he is absolutely desperate for cash. Cappie : This is great. Evan : I just got this down the street. It's not bad. This is gonna blow. Cappie : To freshman year. Evan : To freshman year, my friend. You'll never learn. Cappie : Son of a. Why would you do that to me? Evan : Over here we have our flat screen television set. Cappie : Flat screen? Why couldn't we have a flat screen at camp Kitchi Wa-Wa? Evan : Probably cause it was camp. Cappie : Perhaps, yeah. The good old days. Evan : These are gonna be the good new days. Cappie : Clearly, vintage T-shirts, goatee. This isn't exactly your style, from what I recall. Evan : I'm trying something new. I wanna be a little more Evan a little less Chambers. Cappie : Sounds like a rich kid thing to me. Evan : That's just what I don't want it to sound like. Starting tonight, I'm gonna be my own man. I'm gonna go rush some fraternities, and you are gonna come with me. Cappie : Fraternities? Evan : Yeah. Cappie : Aren't those a little elitist and obnoxious? Evan : They weren't in old school. Cappie : Playing theold schoolcard. You know me very well. Evan : Trust me, spending the next four years, going to apartment parties is gonna be so much better in a frat. There's no girls at those parties, it's a total sausage fest. Cappie : That is the single most motivating thing you could have possibly said to me. Evan : You'll be fine. Listen, rush starts at six. I'll meet you right here. All right. Cappie : Fine. I bet I'm gonna hate it. Evan : You will not hate it. Credits TODAY - ZBZ HOUSE - Living room Rebecca : Is it true our Madam President doesn't have a date for the ball? Casey : Yeah. Well, have you talked to Cappie yet? Because he likes school dances about as much as L.C. likes Spencer. Rebecca : It's not a problem. We made alternate plans. Casey : So I was right. Rebecca leaves. Casey : Any luck with finding a date for tonight? Ashleigh : Who says I need luck? Casey : Of course. So who is he? Ashleigh : Well... He is a "she," and she's really hot and her name is Casey Cartwright. Casey : What happened to Hotmanistan? Ashleigh : He was stealing from his sponsor family. They found money in his stupid Fanny pack-istan. Casey : It's not like boys are banging down my door either. But I bet a good number of them will be dateless at the dance. Ashleigh : We'll divide and conquer. Casey : Or pull a Frannie and break up a couple. Ashleigh : Yeah, she's trying. She seems friendlier. Casey : Like the pit bulls you hear about on the news. One minute they're licking your fingers, the next they're eating your little maltipoo. Ashleigh : I don't think this new Frannie bites. Casey : She doesn't even bark. That's what scares me. She's so... Walking through the door right now. Hey, Frannie. Frannie : Hey, guys. The machines are down at my apartment again. Ashleigh : All of them? What happened? Frannie : Some... rats gnawed through the hoses at the back of the machines. Ashleigh : That's gross. Frannie : I know, right? So I was wondering if I could do my laundry here. Casey : Sure. Of course it's okay. Frannie : Thanks, Casey. 2 YEARS AGO - Laundry Ashleigh : I'm done with these two. Casey : Thanks. Ashleigh : I'm sorry. I think I've seen you somewhere before. Are you on MySpace? It's like this new friendster. I'm totally obsessed with it. Casey : I live on your floor. I'm... I'm Casey. Ashleigh : I'm Ashleigh. Nice to meet you. Casey : Is this your... Red sock? Ashleigh : Looks more like a strawberry blond sock. Casey : Not a sock! Not a sock! It's a clump of hair! Ashleigh : Get it off me! Casey : Hold on. Hold on. Hold still, hold still. Ok, Ok. It's gone now. It's gone now. I am so sorry. Ashleigh : It's Ok. Doing your own laundry sucks. Casey : I know. Yesterday I checked to see how much it'd cost to overnight my clothes back home and have my mom wash them for me. Ashleigh : And? Casey : It adds up. Ashleigh : My mom would probably just send them right back. I have a big family : two sisters and a brother. But they're awesome. I miss them. Do you have any brothers or sisters? Casey : Not really. So are... are you... Are you rushing? Ashleigh : No, I'm good on time. Casey : I meant a sorority. Ashleigh : Yeah. I was thinking about it. Are you? You should. And we should be rush buddies. Casey : Ok. Frannie : Ladies... They shut the water off at the Zeta Beta Zeta house today Mark Jacobs... Nice. Could I borrow some of your detergent? Casey : Yes. Sure. I mean... Please.Thanks. Libby : I'm so ready to mix with the Omega Chis. Rush needs to be over like now. Frannie : The rush makes us the best house in campus, Libbs. Think about it. We have the prettiest girls, the best grades, and the most awesome... Social calendar on campus. Libby : So how many girls we'll get tonight anyway? Frannie : As many as we want. But... Not everyone is Zeta Beta material. It's about quality, not quantity. Libby : We can only take the best. TODAY - OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Living room Omega chi guy : What's up, Calvin? Calvin : Let's see. Your suit, Mr. Bond. Evan : Thank you, pledge Owens. So I see Tanner's warming up to you. Calvin : Yeah, yeah. I.... Kind of liked it when he was all uncomfortable. He can talk. Evan : It's like I said, man. You give the Omega Chis a chance to get to know the real you, you can be one of the most liked guys of this house. Calvin : You know, you're right. I'm glad I'm here. It's... it's a much better frat than Kappa Tau. Evan : Yeah, what the hell were you thinking? Calvin : I don't know. 2 YEARS AGO - CRU - FRATERNITY RUSH Cappie : Do you use gel or a wax? Did we really almost have that conversation? And what was with that jock house? Evan : I know. The... What is it? The... the Lambda Sigs. Cappie : Lambda Sigs, yeah. They asked how fast I could run the forty. Evan : What? You serious? Cappie : They loved you. Evan : I didn't even have to drop the "Chambers" bomb once, man. Cappie : Yeah, you didn't have to at Omega Chi either. They were so busy sucking up to you, I got to steal this. Evan : Ok, now we're breaking the law. What are you doing? Cappie : Come on, can we just go now, please? Evan : No, come on, Cap. Listen to me. I swear, you just haven't found your right fit yet. Cappie : I have found the right fit. The dorm room. Three squares a day, plus cable tv. What more do you need? Evan : Cappie, trust me, all right? This is better. Think of a fraternity as four more years of camp, all right? But this time, your cabin is equipped with girls and beer. Cappie : Ok, but the last two came equipped with'roid abusers, and men with frosted tips. Come on, Evs. You got three invitations already. What are you holding out for? Evan : This one. Ok? This is the house that I'm really interested in. Cappie : What do those letters mean again? Evan : Kappa Tau Gamma. Cappie : One more. Evan : Let's do it. TODAY - ZBZ HOUSE - Casey & Ashleigh's room Casey : God! What? Ashleigh : What is it? A spider? Scarier. Casey : I'd recognize that chartreuse-colored puffy pen writing anywhere. A thank-you note from Frannie for laundry privileges. Ashleigh : This seems harmless. She's trying. She's making amends. The whole... Step 12 thing. And she used really nice stationary. Look at the watermark. Casey : It's not harmless, Ash. And this has nothing to do with making amends. First, she supports me at the meeting. Now this. Ashleigh : It's harmless. Casey : No, she's trying to make me doubt myself. It's payback for keeping her on probation. Ashleigh : You don't know that. Casey : Why are you defending her? It's not like she was making your life any easier. Ashleigh : Frannie seriously lost it last semester, no doubt. But she wasn't always like that. 2 YEARS AGO - ZBZ HOUSE - SORORITY RUSH Frannie : I was a ZBZ, you know? Libby : Seriously? So was I. God. ZBZ girl 1 : I only date ZBZs. Libby : Flat line. Damn, we lost her. ZBZ girl 2 : Seriously, she wouldn't have died if she'd gone Zeta Beta. ZBZ girl 1 : Seriously. What a shame. You girls wanna go to Dobler's? Frannie : My God. That sounds like so much fun. Right? All : Yeah. Sure. Grey's anatomy CD. "Choices... That's what being in a sorority is all about. Making those choices that can change your life... Forever." Ashleigh : Frannie is so awesome. She ends everything with "right?" It's so interesting, right? My God, I just did it. Casey : You did. Ashleigh : Beware the donut test. Casey : Donut test? Ashleigh : My suite-mate told me one of the houses determines if you're right for them based on which you eat first, the donut or the ice cream. This must be the place. Casey : That's ridiculous. What are you supposed to eat first? Ashleigh : She said the ice cream, but she's kind of evil, so she might have been tricking me. Frannie : Casey, right? Casey : Yes. Frannie : This is for you. Casey : No, thank you. Frannie : Excuse me? Casey : If this is the kind of sority that bases their bids on the way you eat a piece of deep-fried dough, then I really don't want to be here. Frannie : A girl who thinks for herself. Threatening... But properly trained, potentially a great asset to the house. When I become president, I'm so dropping this stupid donut thing, anyway. Ashleigh : And I'm not gonna eat another one. TODAY - CRU - Dale & Rusty's room Dale : What are you looking for? Rusty : The student newspaper from two years ago. Do you know if they have an online archive? Dale : No, but easy there, Amadeus. Next to the screen the keyboard... Rusty : The most fragile exposed part of a computer. I know. Dale : There's the Greek ball tonight. You're gone? Rusty : None of the KTs are. Why? Is your U-Sag group going to protest it? Dale : I thought about getting some picketers, but then I decided to do something bigger. I've decided to throw the first annual U-Sag ball. It's gonna be CRU's counter-programming answer to your Greeks' all-night bacchanalia. Rusty : Our dance ends at eleven. Dale : It's gonna be a sin-free evening, filled with non-alcoholic drinks, line-dancing and subtle proselytizing. Could be the first of many U-Sag balls. Rusty : Dale. Dale : Do you wanna go? Rusty : I think there's a conflict of interests or something. Dale : Do you think Calvin would wanna go? Rusty : Calvin is happily back at Omega Chi, and Omega Chi and Kappa Tau aren't exactly on speaking terms. Dale : So you stopped talking to a friend because he joined a different organization? Rusty : Right, like you've never done anything like that. 2 YEARS AGO - Dale's high school Dale : Hey, you should swing by my youth boot camp this weekend for a little pizza and soul winning. A guy : I can't. My mom converts me to catholicism. I have to go to mess. Dale : Mess? You're dead to me. TODAY - CRU - Dale & Rusty's room Dale : Well, not without a very good reason. TODAY - KT HOUSE - Cappie's room Rebecca : Are you sure you don't wanna go to the dance? It'd be my first ball. Cappie : I thought you didn't wanna go. Rebecca : I changed my mind. It's a woman's prerogative. Cappie : And I respect your right to choose, and it's not that I don't wanna go with you. I just. I don't wanna go to the dance. I'm not a very good dancer. 2 YEARS AGO - KT HOUSE - FRATERNITY RUSH Evan : Ok. Do you now see why I've been holding out for this house? Cappie : An ice luge! Evan : A what? Cappie : Sally forth! Man : This ain't no joke I'm about to give you. Evan : Then give me hell. Man : Where do you think I got this stuff? All right, say when. Okay. Evan : Cap! Are you all right, psycho? Are you okay? Man : Step back, he's gonna boot! Cappie : When. Man : The bottle's empty. The bottle's empty! Hey, priceless, kid. Cappie : Dude. I think I found my people. Man : Think you did, man. Evan : Hey, man. I'm Evan. Chambers. Egyptian Joe : You're related to Tom Chambers of the Phoenix suns? Evan : Actually it's Jonathan Chambers. Chambers International. Egyptian Joe : Yeah, I don't follow soccer, You know that guy? Evan : Cappie? Yeah, he's my roommate. We're roomies. Egyptian Joe : Well, you guys should stick around, check it out. Evan : Ok, yeah. We will. Egyptian Joe : See you around, Todd. Evan : All right. Evan. Egyptian Joe : Whatever. Evan : Sure. Egyptian Joe : So congratulations on taking home gold in the ice luge. Cappie : Yeah, I've been trying to hold on to my amateur status for quite a while, just to hopefully make it here one day and... And now that I'm here it feels pretty good. I'm real proud. Egyptian Joe : Good. Cappie : Would you excuse me please? Think I see my gold medal. Cappie sees Casey for the very first time. Cappie : Cappie. Casey : That's your name? Cappie : Please, regale me with yours. Casey : I... I'm Casey Cartwright. Cappie : Sexy alliteration. Casey Cartwright. Simple, yet elegant. Want to do a body shot? Casey : Someone's already getting me a drink. Thanks. Cappie : In a cup? How boring. Casey : Well, at least I get to keep my clothes on. Cappie : Rarely a virtue in my experience. And just for the record, I was hoping you would do the shot off me. Casey : I'll stick to the cute guy with the boring cup. Cappie : Well, that's what they said at Jonestown. You really trust your drink with a complete stranger? Casey : Well, let's ask him. Evan : Hey ! You know... Cappie? Cappie : Evan's the guy? Then I stand corrected. He's the safest guy I know. Evan : Thanks. I think. Casey : You guys know each other? Cappie : Yeah, we're roommates, actually. Evan : Right. Cappie : Can you believe someone just left him on my doorstep? I opened the door, there he was. Looking for somebody to take care of him. Evan : I don't need anyone to take care of me. Cappie : Well. Ashleigh : My God. I love this song. Come on. Evan : Ok. What about your drink? Casey : Just put it down and come dance. Beaver : I love college! TODAY - OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Living room Evan : So I need a volunteer to be sober pledge tonight. Calvin : I got it. I'm dateless. Unless one of you guys wants to go with me. 2 YEARS AGO - KT HOUSE Evan : Excuse me, Joe? Egyptian Joe : I told you, it's yo, Joe! Like the cartoon, you know. Snake eyes, cobra commander. Cappie : The baroness. Egyptian Joe : The baroness Nice pull. She was hot. Evan : Yo, Joe! Got a test tomorrow. Is it cool if I duck out early? Egyptian Joe : No, Chambers. Not until we finish the pledge nicknames. Let's see. No need to bother with Cappie. I mean... He's so Cappie. And the beaver... Was a no-brainer following last night's drunken exploits. I could watch Beaver inhale wood all day. Which brings me to Chambers... Aka "Bing." Evan : I don't get it. Is it like Chandler? Egyptian Joe : No. Evan : Then why Bing? Egyptian Joe : Origin isn't important. It's a handle. And yours is Bing. Evan : No. No, you have to tell me. Why am I Bing? What's Bing? Egyptian Joe : Well, when the brothers were deciding who to honor with a bid, there was some discussion. You fell somewhere between a bid and a ding. Evan : So I almost got dung out? Egyptian Joe : Bingo! No offense. Cappie : Hey, man. Don't sweat it. You're in. Egyptian Joe : Of course you're in, Bing. I mean, you guys are like a package deal. If he's in, you're in. If you're in, he's in. If he's not in, you're not in. If you're not in, he's still in. TODAY - ZBZ HOUSE - Ashleigh & Casey's room Ashleigh : I'm heading downstairs for lunch. Casey : Okay. I'll meet you there in a sec. Favorite bracelet. Where are you? 2 YEARS AGO - ZBZ HOUSE ZBZ Girl : I've already been thinking about all the experiences we'll share together throughout college. And I'll always be here to protect you... From boys, who will always hurt you. Proud to be your Zeta Beta Zeta big sis. Ashleigh : I love my ginormous lesbian big sis. Libby : Casey Cartwright, turn around and meet your new big sis. Frannie : Casey... From the moment I saw you, I knew you were the girl I wanted as my little sis. I see you at my med school graduation, I see you at my wedding. And I just know we'll still be talking when we're ninety. I think ZBZ founding sister, Octavia Divoll Jones, said it best when she wrote, "sincere and unending friendship springs from sisterhood steadfast." Casey : I love that. Frannie : Because, when we're in need, we don't abandon each other, Casey. We stick together. For all time. Damn proud to be your Zeta Beta Zeta big sis. TODAY - ZBZ HOUSE - Ashleigh & Casey's room Frannie : Hey... I know you and Ashleigh are going to the ball. Casey : Right. Frannie : And if you want a pre-party, it's two-for-one night at Dobler's. Drinks on me. Casey : Thanks. But I don't think we can make it. Frannie : Ok. 2 YEARS AGO - CRU - Evan & Cappie's room Cappie : You're leaving Kappa Tau to pledge Omega Chi? Evan : Yeah, I mean, it's done, Cap. But it's Ok, man. It's the right move for me. Cappie : But I only rushed because you did. Evan : I know that, and look how well it's turned out for you, man. You're a superstar. Come on, I'm just... Cappie : Bing? Evan : Yeah, Bing. Cappie : What, you can't be a part of something, unless you're the superstar? Evan : Let's be honest. It's not like you're not enjoying being the golden boy. Casey : So you're in different houses now... Big deal. Nothing has to change. Cappie : I just wanna understand why Evan's decided to make a very, very, very poor decision here. Evan : Omega Chi has a lot to offer me. Cappie : What, like starched collars and sailing lessons? Evan : And better athletics, and alumni job assistance, and an emphasis on academics. Cappie : Ok, who cares? Dude, we're in college. Just enjoy the six or seven years, and don't worry about making contacts. Evan : Yeah, but then what, man? Look, we're not gonna be in college forever. Cappie : So much for having fun, Mr. Chambers? Evan : All right, you know what? Casey : I know, I know. Why don't we get some hamburgers? Hamburgers, yum! Come on, guys. Don't fight over something like this. It's just the Greek system. Don't let it ruin our friendship. We're the three musketeers. Evan : Hey... it's okay. It's totally fine. I'm not. I'm not even hungry. I got to study... Cappie : All right. Let's go. Casey : Sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] TODAY - DOBLERS Rusty : Hey ! Calvin : Hey ! Rusty : Are you going to the dance tonight? Calvin : Some of the other guys are, and I'm... not. Rusty : Yeah, me too. Just chillin'. Yeah. Like a villain. I can touch the ceilin'. See you later. 2 YEARS AGO - DOBLERS Cappie sings. Cappie : Here we go! And do... you... wanna be a cave girl too. Do you wanna be. Thank you, thank you. Casey : It's getting late, Taylor Hicks. Do you mind if we call it a night? Cappie : My adoring public needs me. Just, just one more. One more. Casey : Fine. Cappie : Thank you. All : Cappie! Cappie! Cappie! Cappie! Cappie : All right, we'll do one more. Casey : Hey, stranger. Evan : Stranger? That's a bit dramatic. Casey : Really? You room with my boyfriend, and I've seen you like... what, twice in the past six months? Evan : Yeah. I've just been caught up with Omega Chi pledging. Casey : It shows. I mean, without you there covering for Cappie, he's had to come up with new and inventive excuses for flaking on me to party with his bros. Evan : Well, you know, fun can be time consuming. Casey : You created the Godzilla of partying by taking him to Kappa Tau. Evan : Trust me. Trust me, Cappie... He was already a monster. I just pointed the way to Tokyo. Come on, all right? That's Cappie. I mean, he's the life of the party. It's what you signed up for. Casey : Glowing endorsement. Evan : No, he's a good guy. Casey : He's a great guy. Cappie : (Singing) You're behind the steering wheel. Touching you. Touching me. Casey : Your collar's kinda... Evan : Man, is it? Casey : Yeah, here. Here, here. Evan : Ok. Casey : Anyway... I'm not waiting around. I'm gonna go home. Evan : I'll walk you. Casey : It's fine. Besides you're here with your friends. Evan : No, no, no. No way. I'm not gonna let you walk home alone. Casey : I guess I could use someone to fend off the crazies. Since my crazy is... Busy. Again. I'm gonna. Ev. It's fine. Evan : You tried. Casey : I tried. Thank you. All right. Cappie : This next song goes out to the most beautiful girl in the world. No, no. Not you, Beav. Ms. Casey Cartwright. TODAY - ZBZ HOUSE - Hallway Casey : I got to get myself ready for the ball, Ash. Why am I looking for your lip gloss? Ashleigh : Because you borrowed it! Frannie : Last load, Case. And then I'm out of here. 2 YEARS AGO - ZBZ HOUSE - Hallway Frannie : Sorry, Dino. Let's get going. What are you still doing here? Where's Cappie? Casey : Good question. He was supposed to pick me up 30 minutes ago. Frannie : Unbelievable. Well, would you like Dino here to fetch you an escort from Omega Chi? I know I would. Casey : No, I want my own lousy escort. If he ever shows. Frannie : Well, we'll wait with you until he gets here. Dino : We really should get going. Frannie : I'll meet you there. Casey : Frannie, please. Don't wait. It's okay. Really. I'm fine. Frannie : Are you sure? Casey : Yeah. Frannie : Come on. 2 YEARS AGO - CRU - Evan & Cappie's room Casey : Where's Cappie? Did he think I'd sit at the ZBZ house waiting forever for him? I know you know where he is. Don't... cover for him. Evan : He went to get ready at the KT house. Casey : What? Pre-party? I am so sick of this. I'm competing for my boyfriend's attention with a house full of 50 guys. Evan : I could go get him for you. Do you want... I'll get him for you. Casey : Aren't you going to the dance? Evan : No date. Casey : Why not? Evan : I just... You know, I didn't want to go with just anybody. We could go. As friends. Cause I've got. I've got a suit. So you wouldn't have to waste your beautiful dress. Casey : I'll... wait in the hall. While you change. Evan : Ok. All right. 2 YEARS AGO - KT HOUSE - Hallway Frannie : Where's Cappie? Don't lie to me, Sasquatch. Beaver : He's upstairs. 2 YEARS AGO - KT HOUSE - Egyptian Joe's room Cappie : Big sis... in law. Beaver : I tried to stop her, but she scared me. Frannie : Why haven't you gone to pick up Casey? She's been waiting almost an hour! Cappie : Man. I'm such an idiot! Frannie : Not the word I would use. Hurry! Egyptian Joe : Lady! Take a pill. If my IB says he'll get there, sweetheart, he'll get there. Cappie : Stand down, Joe. Beaver : Yeah, relax. Cappie's almost ready. Frannie : Why don't you do me a favor and go pet some rabbits downstairs? Beaver : I don't get it. Frannie : Of course you don't. It's a literary reference anyone with a high school diploma would understand. Unless, of course, you're a dumb jock who eats his way through a public education system with an eighth-grade reading comprehension. And you... What are you, like 45 now? The war's over, honey. No more hiding at college to dodge the draft, and a miserable future of a minimum wage paying job. Egyptian Joe : I got nowhere else to go! I got nowhere else to go. Frannie : You... Well, if I was Casey, I would have jettisoned you into the sun by now, but she, for some reason unknown to God or man, actually loves you. You have to get over there! You're hurting one of the most amazing girls. Believe me, you will regret it. This is taking way too long. Come on. We have to go. Cappie : Should I wear the tie? Frannie : I don't care. TODAY - KT HOUSE - Cappie's room Rusty : Tell me what happened two years ago at the all-Greek ball. Cappie : Spitter, for the umpteenth time, it's a long story. Rusty : Well then let me make it shorter for you. So I googled you. Not a lot of Cappies on the web. Especially ones who attended camp Kitchi Wa-Wa. Cappie : It's yesterday's news. Rusty : What I didn't know was the camp's most prominent benefactors were Jonathan and Mim Chambers. Cappie : How did you... Rusty : I'm really smart. This is what I do. You've known Evan since you were kids, your parents ran the arts and crafts program at camp and... Cappie : That's all on the internet? If you know your way around a search engine. I use a lot of boolean operators. Like "and, or, not," and occasionally "near." Will you please tell me what happened? Cappie : All right, fine. I missed the beginning of the dance, but when I got there... 2 YEARS AGO - CRU - DANCE Casey : We can't walk out on this song. Evan : No. Cappie : No more pre-partying on the way over in the car, Ok? That... Look at that. Beaver : Hey, it's Bing. Cappie : No way. Evan : It's not what you think. Cappie : I thought you had to study tonight. I didn't think it'd be a party with my girlfriend. Casey : I went to your room and you weren't there. Evan : I just didn't want to let her down, man, okay? That's all. Cappie : Are you saying I did? Evan : Are you saying you didn't? Casey : Ok, everybody. Let's just back up. Cappie : I should have known you were gonna leave KT for those white collar douches, didn't think you were gonna make a move on her. Evan : I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you! Cappie : All right, blame me, but this is about you. You're still the same preppy tag-along from camp who needs my help to get into Kappa Tau. I didn't need to have a makeover to get in. I missed that silver spoon-fed Chambers we all know and tolerate. Evan : You know, better than being spawned by a couple of dead head losers. Cappie hits Evan and both start to fight. TODAY - ZBZ HOUSE - Hallway Casey : Hey. Cappie : You look... stunning. Casey : You look pretty dapper yourself. It's "déja vu"... Sorta. Cappie : I've been thinking about the past myself lately. Casey : Yeah. You're here to pick up Rebecca? Cappie : Would you kindly announce me? Frannie : Only two years late. Cappie : Hi, Frannie. Casey : I think that's the most I've ever heard her say to you. Cappie : Shoulda heard her two years ago. Casey : What are you talking about? Cappie : Two years ago, the night of the testicle? The night I allegedly stood you up? She came and found me at Kappa Tau. Casey : Frannie ? I don't buy it. Cappie : She made Joe cry. I thought she was gonna disembowel me. Casey : Buying it a little more. Cappie : It's true, Case. She had your back. You really didn't know that? Rebecca : Cappie ? What are you doing here? Casey : Excuse me. Cappie : My lady, if you're not against changing your plans, I thought perhaps we might attend this evening's Cotillion. Rebecca : But you don't like to dance. Cappie : But you like to. Rebecca : I'll go change. Cappie : Ok. TODAY - ZBZ HOUSE - Living room Casey : Frannie ? Frannie : Ten more minutes and I'll be done. Casey : You went to the KT house the night of the Greek ball? Frannie : You're my little sis. What was I supposed to do? Casey : If you're not doing anything, do you wanna go to the dance with Ashleigh and me? Frannie : I'd love that. Thanks. TODAY - CRU - Dale & Rusty's room Rusty : Don't do anything I wouldn't do at your U-Sag ball. Dale : It's free cinemax tonight, so same to you. Rusty is not going to the dance and stay in is room. TODAY - OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Living room Calvin is not going to the dance and stay in Omega Chi's house to watch TV. TODAY - CRU - Dance Rebecca and Cappie dance while Ashleigh, Casey and Frannie take a drink just near from them. Evan is at the Dance too. 2 YEARS AGO - CRU - Dance Evan : What about Cappie? Casey : What about him? TODAY - CRU - Dance Casey find Evan but they don't talk to each other. Cappie notices them. When Evan leaves, Casey sees Cappie watching her. They smile each other.

Plan: A: freshman year; Q: When did the All Greek Ball stir up memories for Casey, Evan, and Cappie? A: Casey; Q: Who finds out about a past kind act by Frannie? A: Evan and Cappie's former friendship; Q: What is revealed about Evan and Cappie? A: the previous year; Q: When was the All Greek Ball canceled? A: ZBZ; Q: What sorority is Frannie reinstated at? Summary: The All Greek Ball stirs up memories from freshman year for Casey, Evan, and Cappie. Evan and Cappie's former friendship is revealed, as is the reason he and Casey broke up, and why the ball was canceled the previous year. Casey finds out about a past kind act by Frannie, which allows Casey to forgive her, reinstating Frannie at ZBZ.

Scene: The apartment Leonard: I don't know why I avoided the Harry Potter books for so long. These are great. I just started number six. Sheldon: That's a good one. Dumbledore dies in that one. Yeah, I know, I didn't see it coming, either. Leonard: Why would you say that? Sheldon: You brought up the subject. I contributed an interesting fact on that subject. It's called the art of conversation. Okay, your turn. Leonard: That was a huge spoiler. Sheldon: Good. Leonard: What is wrong with you? If I did that, you'd bitch about it for weeks. Sheldon: Oh, really, Leonard? Are you going to have another one of your hissy fits? Leonard: Hissy fits? I have hissy fits? Sheldon: Yes, and I have a theory why. Because of your lactose intolerance, you switched over to soy milk. Soy contains estrogen-mimicking compounds. I think your morning Cocoa Puffs are turning you into a hysterical woman. Leonard: You are unbelievable. I don't know why I put up with you. You're controlling, you're irritating. Sheldon: There you go again, nag, nag, nag. You're only proving my point, little lady. Leonard: You know what? Screw you, Sheldon. You are the most annoying person I have ever met. Sheldon: What? I'm annoying? You criticize my behaviour all the time. Sheldon, don't talk about your bowel movements over breakfast. Sheldon, when the president of the university is giving a eulogy at a funeral, don't yawn and point at your watch. Sheldon, don't throw away my shirts 'cause you think they're ugly. You're impossible. Leonard: That's it. I don't, I don't have to put up with this. Sheldon: Actually, I have your signature on a roommate agreement that says you do. Leonard: Aw. Here's what I think of your roommate agreement. Sheldon: You pick that up right now. Leonard: No. Sheldon: Roommate agreement, section 27, paragraph 5, the roommate agreement, like the American flag, cannot touch the ground. Leonard: I don't care. I don't have to do anything you say because I don't think I want to live here anymore. Sheldon: Where are you going? Leonard: To live with Penny and not you, you crazy b*st*rd. Sheldon: Crazy b*st*rd? Leonard: Yes. Sheldon: Leonard, wait. Leonard: What? Sheldon: Dobby the elf dies in book seven. Credits sequence. Scene: Howard and Bernadette's apartment. Raj: Here you go. Howard: Great. Come on in. Raj: What, you don't say thank you? Howard: It's my suitcase. I lent it to you two years ago. Raj: Well, then, I should tell you I broke the wheel and the handle. So, is everyone from Bernadette's company going to Vegas? Howard: No, just me, her and a couple of the big wigs. It's part of a bonus she got. Raj: Cool. Did she discover a cure for something? Howard: Not exactly. They spent a ton of money developing this dandruff medication that had the side effect of horrible a**l leakage. Raj: Is there a good a**l leakage? Howard: Anyway, it was Bernie's idea to rebrand the stuff as a cure for constipation. Raj: Way to make lemonade. You know, from around the corner where fudge is made. Howard: Hey, I got a favour to ask. Raj: Sure. Howard: My mom's been kind of an emotional wreck since that dentist she was dating dumped her. Raj: Dumped her? What, did he use a forklift? Sorry. There's nothing funny about morbid obesity. Howard: She's huge. It was funny. Anyway, I was just hoping that maybe you could check in on her tomorrow night and make sure she's doing okay. Raj: Dude, I'm a single man. Saturday night is my party night. Howard: Really? What do you got going on? Raj: I don't know, maybe drive down to Hollywood, hit a few hot spots, see if I can get lucky. Howard: Yeah, tell me if this sounds familiar. You pay fifteen dollars to park, you stand on the pavement for an hour until you break down and give the bouncer twenty bucks to let you in. You push your way to the bar, where you drink an eighteen dollar cosmopolitan, then you stare at a pretty girl and imagine your perfect life together. Your children, grandchildren. Meanwhile, she leaves with a guy who claims he wrote Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Then you give up on anyone ever loving you, go to Marie Callender's, buy a pie and eat it in your car in the parking lot. Raj:What time should I be at your mother's? Howard: I told her around seven. Scene: Penny's apartment. Leonard: I swear, that man is the most egotistical, insufferable human being I have ever met. Penny: Yeah, but you two make such a cute couple. Like Burt and Ernie. You guys even teach me stuff about words and numbers. Leonard: Well, I've had it. I am done. I can't, I can't live with him for one more minute. Penny: Wow. Where are you going to go? Leonard: I was thinking here with you. Penny: Oh. Leonard: That a problem? Penny: No, not at all. No, it's, it's great. It's terrific. I, you know, I just can't help feel bad about Sheldon. I mean, how's he going to get by without you? Ernie. Leonard: He's got Amy now. Penny: Yeah, he does, but it's not the same. Leonard: Why? Penny: Um, well, um, all right. You, you know how in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Ron didn't abandon Harry just because Harry started dating Ron's sister? Leonard: Harry and Ginny get together? Penny: Sorry. Spoiler alert. My point is, as much as I want to live with you, I can't do it knowing how much Sheldon needs you. Leonard: Please, the only thing he needs me for is to be his whipping boy, his, his stooge, his doormat. Penny: Well, you know what they say, if it ain't broke. Leonard: Wow. It sounds to me like you don't want us to live together. Penny: No. No, no, I do. I do. It's just, I mean, it's a really big step. Leonard: Is it? We're together all the time. Financially, it makes great sense. Can you think of one reason why we shouldn't do this? Penny: Well, um, I'm just a little thirsty. Leonard: Yeah. Penny: I got nothing. Leonard: Great. I'll go get my stuff. Penny: Yeah. Okay, all right, don't freak out. You can make this work. Leonard: Oh, could you clear off a shelf for me in the bathroom? I take a lot of medicine. Penny: Oh, please let some of it be Xanax. Scene: Mrs Wolowitz's house. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Are you ready for dessert? Raj: No, thank you, Mrs. Wolowitz. As it is, I'm going to have to carry my stomach out of here like I'm a fireman rescuing an infant. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Oh, please. You're a tall glass of brown water. Have dessert. Raj: Well, I, I really couldn't. But, uh, I've had a lovely time eating your brisket and hearing about the things you've had removed from your body over the years. Didn't know you could have a cyst inside another cyst. Mrs Wolowitz (off): The doctor said they were like Russian nesting dolls. Well, if you have to go, how about I put a little doggie bag together for you? Raj: That would be lovely. Thank you. (Sound of crying) Mrs. Wolowitz, uh, are you okay? Mrs Wolowitz (off): Don't mind me. I just cry when I'm lonely and have nothing to live for. Raj: I, uh, I suppose I could stay for some dessert. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Great. You like chocolate chip cheesecake? Raj: Sure. Mrs Wolowitz (off): I'll make one. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: One vintage Mr. Mxyzptlk action figure. That's Leonard's. Amy: Children's toy. Sheldon: One Star Trek: The Next Generation phaser. That's Leonard's. Amy: Children's toy. Sheldon: One Game of Thrones collector's edition Longclaw sword. Oh, Leonard and I bought that together. That's a bit of an ethical conundrum. Eh, I'll keep it. Amy: So, uh, what's your plan moving forward? Sheldon: Uh, suppose I'll have to find and cultivate a new roommate. What a task that will be. Do you know how uncivilized Leonard was when I took him in? Amy: No. Sheldon: Oh, it took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. He would just go whenever the mood struck him. Amy: Like a dog-boy. Sheldon: Exactly. Amy: What if you could find a roommate who was a scientist and already familiar and comfortable with your ways? Sheldon: That would be ideal. If a person like that existed, I would sign on, no further questions asked. Amy: Great. Here I am! Sheldon: Wait. Here who is where? Amy: Me. Aren't I your perfect roommate? Sheldon: Um... Amy: Think about it, Sheldon. I'm not a stranger, we're intellectually compatible, I'm willing to chauffeur you around town, and your personality quirks, which others find abhorrent or rage-inducing, I find cute as a button. What do you think? Sheldon: Um... Amy: Tell me one reason why this isn't a fantastic idea. Sheldon: Um... Amy: See? You can't. I'm gonna go see if Leonard's room is big enough for my water bed. Sheldon: Um... Scene: Penny's apartment. Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Good buddy Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Good buddy Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Good buddy Leonard. Leonard: What do you want? Sheldon: Hey, good buddy. So, uh, I was just talking to Amy, and she made me realize that this little dust-up between you and me is much ado about nothing. Leonard: Is that so? Sheldon: Yes. All is forgiven, so come back home. I'll make you some soy hot chocolate, and then I'll you tell you about our exciting new devil-may-care bathroom policy. Leonard: Cut to the chase, Sheldon. Sheldon: Okay. Amy's decided she wants to move in with me, so I need you to come back home, you lovable scamp. That's a lot of product. Penny: Hey. What's going on? Leonard: Oh, get this, suddenly, Sheldon wants me back because Amy wants to move in with him. Penny: Really? Interesting. Leonard: Well, too late, pal. I'm not going anywhere. Penny and I are very happy living together. Isn't that right? Penny: It's like the happiness won't ever leave the apartment. Sheldon: Leonard, please. You know Amy moving in marks a level of intimacy our relationship isn't ready for. Penny: Yes. That is a real thing. And it doesn't mean you don't care about each other, it just means things are moving at a pace you're not comfortable with, and that's fine. Leonard: Well, if he doesn't want to live with her, then he should tell her how he feels. Penny: Well, maybe he doesn't know how to say it without hurting her feelings. Sheldon: Feelings? What am I, a hippie at a love-in? No. The problem is, she laid out a series of logical arguments that I couldn't refute. Penny: That is the worst, isn't it? Sheldon: Yes. Leonard: I'm sorry, Sheldon. I can't help you. Oh, spoiler alert, this door's about to slam in your face. Amy: Oh, there you are. When do I get a key to our apartment? Sheldon: Um... [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Howard's old bedroom. A phone is ringing. Raj: Hello? Howard: Hey. How'd it go last night with my mom? Raj: Okay, I guess. Howard: What time did you leave? Raj: Actually, I'm still here. Howard: What? You spent the night? Raj: Yeah. Uh, after dinner, we watched a rerun of Rockford Files, and then she opened a bottle of, uh, cream sherry, and the next thing I know, she was tucking me into your bed. Howard: You wore my pyjamas? Raj: Mm-hmm. How do you sleep in these things? Silk pajamas on satin sheets? I slid out of the bed, like, three times. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Rajesh! You up? You ready for breakfast? Raj: Oh, boy. Breakfast. Howard: Okay, Raj, listen to me. You need to get out of there. Raj: But I have a cream sherry hangover and I smell blintzes. Howard: If you don't leave now, she'll use food and guilt to keep you there for the rest of your life. Raj: Oh, Howard, stop. Howard: Trust me, you're not Jewish. That's how they get you. Raj: You're being silly. I can leave whenever I want. Howard: Oh, really? Where are your clothes and your shoes? Raj: They're on the chair, right over... Oy vey. Scene: The stairwell. Sheldon: Hello, home wrecker. Penny: What did I do? Sheldon: You gave Leonard somewhere to go. Thanks to you, Amy's out buying his and hers bath towels. Like I'd ever dry myself with something that has a possessive pronoun on it. Penny: Okay. Listen, the truth is I don't want him living with me. Sheldon: Great. Kick him out. Break his heart. Everybody wins. Penny: No, I don't want to break his heart. I love him. This is just happening too fast. Sheldon: You think this is fast? It's just a matter of time before I see Amy's leg stubble in my shower. Penny: Yeah, and I've seen those legs. You might want to get some Drano. Sheldon: Hold on. If you don't want to live with Leonard, why don't you just tell him? Penny: Well, you know how he is. He's sensitive and emotional. Sheldon: That's because he drinks too much soy milk. Penny: Well, I don't know what else we can do but tell them the truth. Sheldon: I suppose there's no choice but to face the crying, angry accusations and the high-pitched wails of despair. Penny: Yeah. And who knows how Amy will react. Scene: A hotel room. Howard: Here's some more ice. Bernadette: Oh, thanks. Howard: What were we thinking? We should have just done it the regular way. Bernadette: Those Chinese acrobats in Cirque du Soleil made it look so easy. Howard: Honestly, if I could bend that far, what would I need with you? Bernadette: If you could bend that far, you'd be doing us both a favour. (Phone) Howard: Hey, Raj. What's up? Raj: You were right. I can't get out of here. Howard: You're still at my mother's? Raj: I'm trapped. My clothes have been in the laundry all day, and she hid my keys. I think they might be in her bra, because she jingles when she walks. What do I do? Howard: Hey, you wanted a woman in your life. Now you got one. Raj: Come on, Howard, help me. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Rajesh, tatellah, I ran you a bath. Raj: Oh, my God. She's not gonna bathe me, is she? Howard: Gee, I wish I could tell you no. All right, well, thanks again for helping me out. Raj: But, Howard... Bernadette: Should we go back and rescue him? Howard: It's too late. We'll see him at his Bar Mitzvah. Scene: The apartment. Amy: Here you go. I picked up the Chinese food just the way Leonard used to. Sheldon: Is it kung pao chicken? Amy: Yes. Sheldon: Brown rice, not white rice? Amy: Yes. Sheldon: Spicy mustard from the Korean deli? Amy: Yes. I did good, right? Sheldon: Yes. Amy, are you worried that us living together will take the mystery out of our relationship? Amy: No. Sheldon: Yeah, why would you? Amy: Oh, and, uh, check this out. I took the liberty of scripting a new outgoing voice mail message for both of us. Sheldon: Hello. This is Sheldon. Amy: And this is Amy. Sheldon: We're not home right now. Amy: 'Cause we out dropping science, son. Together: Leave a message. Amy: Beep. Sheldon: You can't live here. Amy: What? Why? Is it the message? I only used urban slang to sound tough so people wouldn't break in. Sheldon: No. It's not the message. Amy: Well, what is it, then? I did everything just the way you like it. Sheldon: You did. Amy: Then what the hell, Sheldon? We have been going out for over two years, and I have been nothing but patient with you. I watch your dopey space movies. I signed your ridiculous contract. I even stopped wearing lip gloss 'cause you said it made my mouth look too slippery. I am the best girlfriend you're ever gonna have. You give me one good reason why I can't live here. Sheldon: It's Penny's fault. Amy: What? Sheldon: She doesn't want to live with Leonard, so he has to come live here again. She's the snake in our garden. She's the reason we can't be happy. Scene: Penny's apartment. Penny: Hey, Ames. Amy: Yeah. Hey, Ames, nothing. I was all set to move in with Sheldon, and now I hear I can't 'cause you don't want to live with Leonard. Leonard (off): What? Penny: Sheldon, what did you say? Sheldon: I said the truth. You don't want to live with Leonard, and you know it. Leonard: Since when don't you want to live with me? Penny: Oh, don't get all huffy. You're the one who decided to move in without even asking me if I was ready. Sheldon: Yeah, I think we should talk about that. Penny: And since you love the truth so much, why don't you tell Amy you don't want to live with her instead of blaming it on me? Sheldon: I thought we were talking about the other thing. Amy: You're a coward. Sheldon: Well, the evidence does support that. Penny: Come on, Amy, let's go drink wine and talk about what jerks our boyfriends are. Amy: You know what would show them? I should move in here with you. Penny: Um... Sheldon: Do you want to catch up on some Walking Dead? Leonard: 'Kay. Sheldon: Have you seen the one where Lori dies? Leonard: No. Sheldon: Or maybe she doesn't. Let's find out. Scene: Mrs Wolowitz's house. Raj is climbing out of the window. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Where you going? Raj (screams): No!

Plan: A: Leonard; Q: Who is reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince? A: Sheldon; Q: Who spoils the ending of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince? A: Albus Dumbledore; Q: Who dies at the end of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince? A: their apartment; Q: Where does Leonard move out of? A: Amy; Q: Who wants to move in with Sheldon? A: their partners; Q: Who do Penny and Sheldon decide to tell the truth to? A: four; Q: How many people are involved in the spat? A: Meanwhile Howard; Q: Who is joining Bernadette on a Las Vegas trip? A: Howard; Q: Who asks Raj to check on his mother? A: her dentist boyfriend; Q: Who did Howard's mother split with? A: his clothes and car keys; Q: What does Howard's mother hide to prevent Raj from leaving? A: Howard's bedroom window; Q: Where does Raj try to escape from? Summary: Leonard is reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince but Sheldon spoils the ending where Albus Dumbledore dies. After a heated argument, Leonard leaves their apartment and moves in with Penny. She is uncomfortable with this but cannot persuade him to move back. Amy, discovering Leonard has moved out, wants to move in with Sheldon, making him uncomfortable. Later, Penny and Sheldon comfort each other over their similar predicaments and decide to tell their partners the truth. When Sheldon tells Amy to leave, she is incensed. He is scared and says Leonard might return since Penny does not want him living with her. A brief spat between the four ensues. A dejected Leonard moves back to Sheldon, who thereupon spoils the plot of a The Walking Dead episode. Amy, angry at the men, considers moving in with Penny, making her uncomfortable again. Meanwhile Howard, joining Bernadette and her colleagues on a Las Vegas trip, asks Raj to check on his mother, depressed since splitting with her dentist boyfriend. Raj, noting her depression, stays the night. She pampers him just as she did Howard, and hides his clothes and car keys to prevent him leaving. When he tries to escape from Howard's bedroom window, she pulls him back in.

A man in his late 30's sitting in a SUV is surveilling a docking area. He watches through binoculars, casing how many men (three armed men) there are, protection, etc. and is reporting his findings in Russian through an earpiece (no translation). A truck pulls into the docking station. As the men go to unload the truck, the man in the SUV drives up and hits one of the men with the SUV. He shoots the truck driver and other two guards. He grabs a normal looking suitcase from the back of the SUV and then opens up the back of the truck. He types in the access code to a safe in the back and then removes a plexiglass suitcase that has some sort of electronic gadget inside and safely stores it inside the empty suitcase he brought. He gets into the SUV and drives away. Cut to same SUV pulling into a driveway in a surburban subcomplex. As he gets out of the SUV a woman walks up to him with a smile. WOMAN: Honey, you're late. I was getting worried. MAN: I'm sorry, beautiful... I got hung up at work. They kiss and put their arms around each other's back to amble into the house. Cut to establishing nighttime LA shot via helicopter. NADIA (voiceover): It doesn't make any sense. Cut to Weiss, Nadia, Vaughn, and Sydney sitting around Syd's dining table having dinner. WEISS: What is so hard to understand? You take a ball, right? You roll it, you knock over some pins and everybody cheers for you... VAUGHN: Or in your case, everyone laughs. Everyone laughs. NADIA: How is that fun? SYDNEY (in mock shock): How could she even ask such a thing? (giggles) WEISS: You know what? I think I know what your problem is... You've never had a true. bowling. experience. NADIA (pretending to be insulted): We have bowling in Argentina, you know. WEISS: Yes, but you don't have, like, glow in the dark pins; you don't have all you can eat hot dogs after ten or bad disco music pumping through the stereo... You know what? Why am I still talking about this? Let's just do it. We're going bowling. Come on. Nadia turns from helping Sydney clear the table. NADIA: Really? WEISS: Yeah, yeah. Come on, we're all going bowling. SYDNEY: Now? WEISS: Yeah, there's a 24 hour bowling alley... VAUGHN (cutting in): That's not the point... SYDNEY: We have work tomorrow. WEISS: Guys...you don't have to analyze everything you do; you can just...decide to have fun. It's okay. SYDNEY (defensive): We're fun. WEISS (scoffing): Yeah, you guys are about as spontaneous as my grandparents...and they're dead. VAUGHN: Look, it's Wednesday night. SYDNEY: We're not going bowling. WEISS: All right. Well, suit yourself. The kids are going out. NADIA (teasing): How can I resist all you can eat hot dogs after ten? WEISS: Don't wait up. NADIA: Let's go. Weiss and Nadia leave. Sydney and Vaughn look at each other. SYDNEY (slightly defensive): We don't analyze everything we do. Vaughn sighs and shakes his head as if he disagrees with Weiss' assessment also (but the look on his face indicates that he might secretly agree). SYDNEY: Do we? VAUGHN (almost too quickly): No, no we don't. (pause) And besides, we agreed to take things slow. SYDNEY: Right. (Pause, rationalizing) We're choosing not to be spontaneous... VAUGHN (rationalizing): Exactly. They look at each other as if trying to make themselves feel better about that when both their cell phones ring. They check to see who's calling and Vaughn quips, VAUGHN: And that's why they call us when something's wrong... SYDNEY: Right... Sydney smiles and shakes her head as she answers her phone. VAUGHN: Vaughn. SYDNEY (at same time): Yeah? Cut to APO office. Jack, Sloane and Dixon walk into the conference room from one side, Sydney and Vaughn from the other. SLOANE: Six hours ago, an electromagnetic weapon was stolen from a warehouse in Kystroma. MARSHALL: Well, this thing's a prototype...really bad news: its repeatable core, amplified radius...I mean, you guys know what an electromagnetic pulse does, right? SYDNEY: Destroys elecrtonic equipment, melts circuitry. MARSHALL: Right. Now, if this baby goes off, anything in a ten mile radius that contains electronic parts like computers, radios, cars, radar...everything would be fried. JACK: If a terrorist were to detonate this in a major metropolitan city, the casualties would be extreme. MARSHALL: You know, hospitals would lose power, traffic grids would be destroyed, airplanes would fall from the sky... I mean it's really... Oh, and the most impressive thing about this particular device is its repeatable core. DIXON: You could black out Los Angeles and then use it to take down San Fransisco in the same day. SYDNEY: Who's the thief? A photograph of the man we saw steal the device flashes on the screen. SLOANE: His name is Yuri Korelko, former KGB officer, currently reported to have ties with an extremist group known as the October Contingent. VAUGHN: The Russian Ultranationalists. SLOANE: That's right. They're largely ex-military, but they're looking for new recruits. Sloane flashes a two new photos on the screen: a man and a woman who look very vaguely like Sydney and Vaughn. SLOANE: Three days ago, German authorities picked up a man and a woman attempting to smuggle weapons through a customs checkpoint. Subsequent interrogation revealed them to be Dmitri and Ileona Tabakov, suspected Chechnyan mercenaries. JACK: Under duress, they disclosed that the October Contingent has made back-channel overtures toward them to join their group. SLOANE: Sydney and Vaughn, you will imperonate the Tabakovs, infiltrate the Contingent. Your mission is twofold: you will identify the group's objective and retrieve the electromagnetic weapon. Sydney, Vaughn...you know that any attempt to communicate to you from our end might jeopardize your lives. VAUGHN: So we're on our own. SLOANE: Not quite. (nods to Marshall) Marshall, please. Marshall stands up and removes a watch from a case in front of him. MARSHALL: What I have here is a normal, everyday wristwatch. Now, under normal uses, it won't alarm any countersurveillance scans, but once activated (demonstrates), it will give us GPS coordinates to triangulate your position. Oh, and its also capable of short burst transmissions. DIXON: You can send images, and...we'll monitor you as best we can. SLOANE: And if we detect your cover is in jeopardy, we will send the abort signal. I want you to extricate yourselves immediately. Your plane leaves in an hour; I wish you well. Good luck. CUT TO BLACK MOS©OW An establishing night shot of Red Square in the rain. Cut to a couple walking down the sidewalk together under a single umbrella. A van pulls to the end of a side street in front of them. The passenger window rolls down as Sydney and Vaughn approach. Yuri Korelko asks them in Russian: YURI: Will this road lead me to Red Square? SYDNEY (in Russian): Keep driving. Eventually all roads lead to Red Square. YURI (in Russian): You are aware of our project? VAUGHN (in Russian): We're aware you pay good money. YURI (in Russian): We require quite a commitment. VAUGHN (in Russian): We require quite a payment. Yuri smirks a little and then asks, YURI (in Russian): How is your English? SYDNEY (English, in very thick Russian accent): We...are able to get by...yes. YURI (in Russian): Can you speak without the accent? SYDNEY (in perfect English): What would you like me to say? YURI (in non-accented English): I think that'll do just fine. Yuri gets out of the van and opens the sliding back door to allow Sydney and Vaughn to enter. YURI (in English): I gotta tell you, if you two are half as good as rumored, we're really in for a treat. Come on, hop on in. Let's get you out of the rain. My name's Tom, by the way. (Yuri will now be known as Tom in the transcript) Syd and Vaughn climb inside and Tom gets in behind them and closes the door. Cut to Marshall and Jack in Marshall's tech office. He's sitting in front of a computer monitor as he speaks: MARSHALL: NRO retasked a keyhole satellite for infrared flyover. Picked them up on the MA shortly after Sydney began transmitting. Cut to infrared road map on Marshall's screen. JACK: Destination? MARSHALL: Well, the closest city in that area is... Petrozavodsk. It's about twelve hours away. JACK: What else is in the area? MARSHALL: Nothing really: farmland, tundra, turnips. JACK: Let me know the moment that van stops moving. MARSHALL: You got it, boss. Jack walks away as Marshall continues to watch the blip that is Sydney and Vaughn's position move on the screen. Cut to inside the van. Tom points to a man sitting next to him from behind a computer screen. (Everything is now spoken in English unless indicated otherwise) TOM: This is Nick; he's going to take some photos of your for our project. SYDNEY: And this project...requires us to speak English, like Americans, for some reason. We watch as "Nick" takes photos of Syd and Vaughn and uses them to manipulate a number of pictures, placing them in it. TOM: Well, first order of business...we need to establish some new identities for you two, and something tells me that... He reaches over and retrieves two fake passports from Nick with Sydney and Vaughn's photos in them and reads out the names from them. TOM:...David and Karen Parker...don't exactly spend a lot of time speaking in the Russian tongue. Tom hands Syd and Vaughn their fake passports. TOM: Don't worry. We'll go over everything once we get to Liberty Village. In the meantime, just sit back and enjoy the ride. You just became Americans. Sydney and Vaughn exchange concerned glances. Cut to Nick's computer screen as he continues to manipulate photos. Cut to Jack walking into Sloane's office. SLOANE: I want to know more about this group Sydney and Vaughn have infiltrated. So Jack, I'm recommending you reach out to Alexi Vasilevich. Any objections? JACK (sighing, impatient, this is not an idea he likes): He'll want something in return. SLOANE: Yeah. Look, Jack, I can task another agent if you feel this is something... JACK (cutting him off): I simply question whether it is prudent to involve him at this point considering... Sloane's videophone rings, cutting Jack off. SLOANE (answering it): Yes? (to Jack) It's Marshall. Marshall's face appears on the video screen. MARSHALL: Uh, Mr. Sloane? You're gonna want to come see this... SLOANE: Okay. Cut to the briefing room. Marshall walks in with a handful of rolled photographs. MARSHALL: I think I found something. About an hour ago, the van left the highway. They followed access roads to this facility (pulls out photo and lays it out on the table): Suberov 13. It was supposed to have been abandoned in the late 70's. JACK: Perimeter patrols, manned gun in placements along the access roads, active airfields... SLOANE: It certainly doesn't look deserted. JACK: Marshall, can you put that onscreen? MARSHALL: Yeah. Marshall types into the computer and a photo of what looks to be a surburban housing development pops up. MARSHALL: There it is. SLOANE (walking closer to study the photo): Is that military housing? JACK (walking closer also): Not like any I've seen. Russian base housing resemble barracks... Those are single family homes with lawns and culdesacs... MARSHALL (also studying the photo): Is...is that a swingset? Huh. Looks like my neighborhood... Cut to the van pulling to a stop in the driveway of a house in the development. Tom gets out and then lets Sydney and Vaughn out of the back of the van. There is surprise on both their faces as they study their surroundings. TOM: I hope you guys like your new house...I love mine. It's almost exactly the same, I just...hope the guests haven't trashed the place. Tom, Syd, and Vaughn walk up the walkway of a beautiful home that looks like it could be anywhere in America. SYDNEY: We have guests? Tom doesn't answer, just keeps walking. Sydney turns and gives Vaughn a concerned look. Tom opens the door to the house and lets Syd and Vaughn in. TOM: They shouldn't be too long. We just have to do a...well, and initiation of sorts. Don't worry; shouldn't be too painful. Tom closes the door behind them. Tom ushers them into the living room, where a small group of people, all dressed like yuppie Americans at a party, wait. TOM: Everyone...guys? Allow me to present, David and Karen Parker. Everyone greets them and lifts their glasses to toast them. SYDNEY: Hi. VAUGHN: Hello. Tom puts his arm around the woman he spoke to in the opening sequence. She looks up at him with an adoring smile. TOM: Welcome to the neighborhood. VAUGHN: Thank you. Off of Vaughn and Sydney's nervously friendly smiles, we: Cut to the Alias Theme (Or now is the time in Alias when we dance!) Cut to the kitchen where Tom is pouring soda into two glasses for Syd and Vaughn. Note that a few doctored photos of them already grace the door of the fridge, held up by magnets. TOM: The town's offically known as Training Center 56B, but students started calling it "Liberty Village" sometime during the mid-80's, trying to capture that uh, American sense of irony, I suppose. SYDNEY: So, this is a government operation. TOM: It...was a government operation...Karen...but it's a private enterprise now, which is fine with us because it gives us the freedom to do our job. Tom hands Sydney the two glasses of soda. Sydney hands one off to Vaughn. SYDNEY: What exactly is our job...Tom? TOM: Well, right now...your job is to prove that you belong. You're under evaluation. We need to be sure you can portray Americans convincingly. From this point on, assume everything is a test, you understand? Sydney nods. TOM: Excellent. Now, let's go do some formal introductions so you can get to know your new neighbors... Tom walks out of the room. Sydney turns to look at Vaughn, who has this hilarious "You've got to be kidding me..." look on his face. Sydney sets her watch and then they follow Tom out into the living room again. Cut to Sloane in his office at APO. Marshall sticks his head in and tells him: MARSHALL: They're transmitting. Cut to Syd and Vaughn as they meet one couple. Sydney is holding her drink in the hand with the watch on it so that her watch can clearly view everything in the room. WOMAN#1: It is so nice to finally meet you. Sydney shakes her hand as Vaughn shakes the husband's hand. MAN#1: We've been looking forward to this for quite some time. SYDNEY: Believe me, we have been too. Cut to briefing room of APO where they are studying the photo feed their getting. SLOANE: Marshall... Marshall types furiously on keyboard, focusing in on the faces of the couple Syd and Vaughn are talking to and then searching the database for them. MARSHALL: Working on it. Okay, hold on...gimme a sec...Got it. Sergei Danislov and Elena Vasia. Weapons, drugs, suspected terrorist affiliations include: the Novgorood Authority... SLOANE: They're responsible for the Grozny bombing in '98. They killed 47 people. WOMAN#1: I went ahead and did a little of shopping for you...You have a bunch of clothes in your closet upstairs you need to go through. Sydney appears surprised and is about to thank her when, MAN#1 (interrupting): Honey, please...there'll be plenty of time to talk about shopping later... They giggle and walk away. TOM: And this is Bill and Donna Johnson. They live in the house just next to you. Syd and Vaughn shake their hands and exchange hellos. Cut back to the APO briefing room. JACK: Anatoli and Tatiana Sadova. DIXON: Formerly GRU. They're wanted by British authorities in connection with a bank robbery that left 7 dead. Cut back to Syd and Vaughn. TOM: And of course, Ken and Linda Taylor. More handshakes and greetings ensue. Cut back to APO briefing room. MARSHALL: Raisa Tupakov and Nikolai Brechev; contract killers, Russian mafia ties, known murders in the double-digits. LINDA: We just moved in a few days ago. You are going to love it here. VAUGHN: That's good to know. SYDNEY: Great. Yeah. TOM: And of course, my lovely wife, Diane. DIANE: Hi, nice to meet you. SYDNEY: Nice to meet you. VAUGHN: Nice to meet you. Cut to APO briefing room. DIXON: Marina Avden, chief interrogator from the Markova detention center. Cut back to Syd and Vaughn. Diane hands them a photo of themselves pasted in front of the Colleseum in Rome. DIANE: I was just looking at your photo. Tom and I just adore Rome... How long ago were you there? Sydney looks at the photo and then at Tom and Diane. VAUGHN (jumping in): Oh, what was it? Five years ago? SYDNEY: Has it been that long? VAUGHN: Yeah, we were going to go for the millenium, but you didn't want to fly because of Y2K... SYDNEY: Yeah, at the time it was a big deal... VAUGHN: So we decided to go in the spring. SYDNEY: Loved it; no crowds, no tourists...we even got to hear the Pope speak. Sydney and Vaughn smile at each other in Stepford-like fashion. TOM: Yeah, yeah...pretty good. DIANE: Yeah, I liked the part about Y2K. TOM: They can do a lot better, though. DIANE: Oh, without a doubt. TOM: But don't worry, we're not gonna kill you over a bad story. DIANE: Not on the first night, anyway. (followed by a very sweet smile) Syd and Vaughn laugh uncomfortably. Cut to APO briefing room. SLOANE: What's the connection? Why is the Contingent associating with terrorists, thieves, contract killers? MARSHALL: More importantly, why are they all dressed up like the Cleavers? DIXON: They must be using the facility as a training ground for some impending operation. JACK: It is unlikely a terrorist group could gain unlimited access to a Russian military base without some kind of state sponsorship. SLOANE: Jack... talk to Alexei. I'll leave the negotiations to your discretion. DIXON: Do we hold off on the abort code. SLOANE: For now...but be ready. This situation could deteriorate rapidly. Cut back to Vaughn and Syd's living room. Woman #1 hands them a casserole dish wrapped in plastic wrap. WOMAN#1: This is my three-layer casserole. Just enjoy. (leaning toward Sydney conspiratorially) We'll later go over the recipe. Chatter stops and all eyes turn to look at Woman #1. Tom clears his throat. Hesitantly, she corrects, WOMAN#1(with an embarrassed smile): We'll go over the recipe later. Sydney takes the dish out of Vaughn's hands and sets it aside. SYDNEY: I can't wait. WOMAN#1: Good night, guys. A round of good nights ensue. SYDNEY: Good night. Thank you. All the guests leave except for Tom and Diane. Once the door is closed, they turn to face Syd and Vaughn. DIANE: So...it's a lot to take in, isn't it? SYDNEY: It's different...from our usual jobs. DIANE: Not to worry; you guys are doing great. TOM: Mmmhmm. Just, uh...a couple things to keep in mind... We recruited you becasue you're a couple; embrace it. Americans love to show affection for each other. You two? You...seem a little cold. SYDNEY: We're not...cold. TOM: I know, I know...first night. It's a common problem; don't sweat it. Diane walks up behind Tom holding a metal pie plate with a lid over it. TOM: Oh, and just one more thing...we have a little homework for you. Diane hands Sydney the pie plate. SYDNEY (confused): You want us to eat this pie? TOM: It's uh...a little welcome gift. Open it up. She does and what she finds is a small handgun in pieces, fit into slots cut in foam. TOM: Are you familiar with the new Tokarev? Vaughn shakes his head no. TOM: Get familiar. You'll need it tomorrow. Make sure you can assemble it in under 20 seconds. DIANE: And don't forget to put Tammy's casserole in the fridge. (conspiratorial whisper) That third layer is tuna... Tom and Diane laugh. TOM: All right, well, we'll see you tomorrow. DIANE: Sleep well. SYDNEY: Okay.Thank you. DIANE: Good night. VAUGHN: Good night. TOM: Bye bye, now. VAUGHN: Bye. Tom and Diane leave. SYDNEY (looking at Vaughn in mild confusion): Hmmm... VAUGHN: Yeah. Cut to a shower being turned on, and then the tap in a sink. Cut back to Syd and Vaughn standing in the house's bathroom with all the water spigots turned on to drown out the sound of their talking. SYDNEY: What the hell is going on?! VAUGHN: Yeah, it's like a weird nightmare... SYDNEY: ...that we're trapped in. Did you see the security when we arrived? VAUGHN: Yeah, it's like an entire military division. SYDNEY: Why would they go to this much trouble? VAUGHN: They must be planning an attack. SYDNEY: On what, Surburbia?! VAUGHN: Well, maybe some long-term infiltration. SYDNEY: Why steal the EMP if it's long-term? VAUGHN: Well, why train operatives to be American if it's short-term? SYDNEY: Well I'm not saying it's logical, but they asked us to play charades with them! VAUGHN: But that's an act. They're well organized, they're professionals; it's part of their test. SYDNEY: Which apparently we're failing... VAUGHN: No, come on...that was ridiculous... SYDNEY: What, did they expect us to do, just drop and go at it on the floor?! VAUGHN: If one more person calls us boring... SYDNEY (insulted): He didn't call us boring, he called us cold... (insecure) Who thinks we're boring? Vaughn has a moment of hysterical eye shifting guilt as if he let something slip he shouldn't have before he quickly shakes it off and changes the topic. VAUGHN (defensive): No..nobody...That...that's not the point. So, what's our next move? SYDNEY: We have to assume they're tracking our every move. We maintain cover. VAUGHN: Yeah, we act like we have nothing to hide. SYDNEY: I'll do some reconnaisance; see if I can locate the EMP. VAUGHN: In the meantime, one of us should start on our homework. Montage of Sydney in jogging outfit, running through the neighborhood, using her watch to surreptitiously try to find the EMP as opposed to Vaughn practicing putting the handgun together and checking his time with a stopwatch until he can do it in 19 seconds. Outside one of the homes, Sydney slows down to a walk and sneaks up to a tree to look inside. She sees Diane at a desk, reading some paperwork. As she's watching, she suddenly hears: TOM: Can I help you with something? Sydney is startled but recovers almost immediately. SYDNEY: You scared me... (laughs a little) I thought you might still be up... I, um...wanted to thank Diane for that bath salt kit she left us. That was really nice. TOM: How'd you know this was our house. SYDNEY (not missing a beat): Your name's on the mailbox. TOM: Were you out for a jog? SYDNEY (nodding): I needed to clear my head. TOM: Good chance to do some reconnaisance as well. I'd imagine. So...what's your assessment of our little town? SYDNEY: Strong military perimeter. Armed guards, rotating patrol. Not a lot of people getting in...or out, if you don't want them to. Lack of obvious security presence within the town itself suggests heavy surveillance...security cameras in all the streetlights. And in this immediate area, judging by all the power lines, I'd say that one of those houses is probably a guard station. TOM: Yeah. First sign of trouble, we lock down the streets, give the snipers the go ahead to fire at hostiles...It's our version of the Neighborhood Watch program. Helps everyone sleep well at night. Sydney just nods her head. TOM: All right. Don't stay up too late, okay? You've got a big day tomorrow. Oh, um... I'll be sure to tell Diane about the bath salts. SYDNEY: Thank you, Tom. TOM: You're welcome, Karen. [SCENE_BREAK] Cut to a surveillance feed of Vaughn sitting at the dining room table, putting together the handgun. Sydney walks in and sits down. VAUGHN: How was your run? SYDNEY: Great. Ran into Tom. Apparently, we can sleep well at night. VAUGHN: Well, that's a relief. Pan back to show Diane watching them as Tom walks in. DIANE (in Russian): They're well trained; guarded with their communication. TOM (in Russian): The woman showed initiative. And she managed to keep her composure. DIANE (in Russian): We may have found some promising prospects. TOM (in Russian): We'll find out tomorrow. DIANE: Da. CUT TO BLACK A graying, bearded man, probably in his 50's smoking a cigar stands waiting as we hear thunder and rain outside. MAN: Hello, Jack. Jack Bristow appears in front of him. JACK: Alexei. ALEXEI: What can I do for you? JACK: There's a military facility 300 miles southeast of Petrozavodsk. I assume you're familiar with it. ALEXEI (with an implied undertone): We trained some of our best operatives there. Jack works his jaw at the obvious implication, but otherwise doesn't respond to Alexei's baiting. JACK: I need to know if the government is still running active operations out of it. ALEXEI: Well, it depends on how you define "government", I suppose. JACK: I have assets in play within the facility who may require assistance with their extraction. ALEXEI: This is not some fringe group we're talking about, Jack. The people who control that base may not have official sanction, but there are many in power who look upon their actions favorably. JACK: You would have my gratitude for any assistance rendered. ALEXEI: While that does warm my heart, I'm afraid the reward does not outweigh the risk. JACK: What do you want, Alexei? ALEXEI: Well...now that you mention it...perhaps there is something you can do for me. Cut to morning in Liberty Village as Tom walks down the sidewalk, waving to one of the neighbors. WOMAN: Morning, Tom. TOM: Morning, Cheryl. He walks up Syd and Vaughn's walkway and rings the doorbell. Knocking on the door, he says, TOM: Rise and shine! Got ourselves a big day! Sydney opens the door. She's wearing chinos, white Keds and a collared buttondown under an argyle sweater. TOM: Karen... SYDNEY: Hi, Tom... TOM: Aren't you just the picture of radiant? Tom leans in and gives her a friendly hug and kiss, the way you would with a relative or acquaintance. TOM: Morning... Tom sees Vaughn coming and says, TOM: Oh, how'd ya sleep, Dave? VAUGHN: Like a baby. Vaughn is wearing a light blue polo shirt and khakis. TOM (crowing with delight): Oh hey, look at that! We're wearing the same shirt. You'd be amazed how often that happens here. So, I guess we'll be twins today. Shall we head out? VAUGHN: Should I bring the gun? TOM: Nah, you'll be provided with one. As they walk down the street: TOM: We have a working gas station, a movie theater... A passerby calls out: MAN: Hi, Tom... TOM: Oh, hey! ...Uh, supermarkets, bowling alley... SYDNEY: Why would the government need a bowling alley... TOM: Too many agents getting burned in the 50's. Russians couldn't grasp the culture, so they immersed themselves in it. Found out there's no substitute for the real thing. Oh! (snaps his fingers) Hey, that reminds me, I uh, (pulls a ring box out of his pocket) have another little gift. If you two are going to be a couple, you might as well be acting the part. He hands Sydney the box, which she opens to reveal a mens and ladies wedding band and engagement ring. TOM: I just figured that might help with your little...you know, your intimacy issues... Tom pats Vaughn on the arm as he walks off in front of them. Syd is completely unenthused as she hands Vaughn his ring. Cut to an establishing daytime shot of LA via helicopter. Jack opens a metal box and hands Marhshall an ornately decorated leatherbound book. MARSHALL (joking): Oh, Mr. Bristow...you shouldn't have... JACK: Irina Derevko collected 19th century literature. There was a small bookstore in Prague that stocked rare first editions. (Jack starts leafing through one of the books and his voice is vaguely nostalgic) Whenever I was in town, I'd buy one for her as a gift. MARSHALL: Aww, that's sweet. JACK (looking up from the book): The KGB encoded assassination orders in these pages. MARSHALL: Oh. Well that's...not as...sweet. JACK: The NSA decyphered all the codes in these books, but Irina's former resident chief just asked for them back. Which means there's something in here the NSA overlooked. Find it. Jack turns and walks out. Tom, Syd, and Vaughn walk into a used car dealership. TOM: It's not a novel concept. Trust me, somewhere in America, CIA agents are sitting around in a fake Koroshkovia practicing the Russian table manners. SYDNEY: You built a used car dealership? TOM: Training station 327F; home of the Kirilov scenario. Your objective is simple; you have to buy a convertible. Tom gestures behind him to a convertible that spins on a revolving dais. VAUGHN (surprised): What? TOM: You'll be evaluated on characterization, reflex analysis, emotional response and physical endurance. SYDNEY: Physical endurance? A salesman walks up to them. His name tag reads "PHIL". PHIL: Welcome to Liberty Village Automotive. TOM: Good luck. Tom walks off as Phil walks up to them. PHIL: You must have heard about our Democracy sale. We've got 0% financing for 72 months, and a mindblowing selection of pre-owned stepsides. VAUGHN: Well, uh, actually, Phil...we're here to buy a convertible. PHIL: You sure about that? Because we only have one convertible, and...huh, it's a pretty fast car. SYDNEY (deadpan): That's how we live, Phil. Fast. PHIL (nodding): Okay. Cut to Phil, Sydney and Vaughn standing on the revolving dais next to the convertible. PHIL: Few things scream freedom like a brand new convertible. You put the top down and excitement blows through your hair. Vaughn opens up the door and climbs inside. VAUGHN: What's it gonna take to get us over the curb in this baby, Phil? PHIL: You guys are first time buyers, aren't you? SYDNEY (as simpering wife): Is it that obvious? PHIL: Well, you don't get to be regional sales associate of the month four times in a row without knowing how to read people. Newlyweds, right? SYDNEY: Relative newlyweds... PHIL: Let's see that ring. Sydney puts out her hand so that Phil can see her wedding band and engagement ring. Phil whistles, impressed, then asks: PHIL: How'd he pop the question? SYDNEY (fumbling): He...took me to... VAUGHN (cutting in): Santa Barbara, actually. He gives Sydney a half smile, which she returns. We can tell they are both thinking of the trip they were supposed to go on three years ago. VAUGHN: I had this whole romantic weekend planned. Presidential Suite at the Biltmore, candlelit dinner on the cliffs overlooking the ocean... So we went into town, and she wouldn't stop talking about the zoo. So, we went to the zoo. Figured I'd get it overwith. Vaughn gets out of the car to stand in front of Sydney, looking at her as he continues to talk. VAUGHN: And then I saw how happy it made her. It made me forget about all my stupid plans. And here we had this personal chef making this unbelievable meal at the hotel, and... (pauses) I proposed on one knee in sawdust in front of a giraffe with a crooked neck. Vaughn gives Sydney this very intense look and she stares back at him, clearly enthralled by his story. PHIL (laughing): Now, how can I resist the charms of young love? Tell you what, let's sit down, and we'll talk deal. Cut to Syd and Vaughn sitting in Phil's office alone. Sydney is clearly digesting the story Vaughn just told. She turns to him, her face full of questions. VAUGHN (softly): What? Sydney looks hesitant, but then opens her mouth to speak...and Phil walks in the room. PHIL: Good news, guys. I had to butt heads with my sales manager, but it turns out I'm going to be able to offer you...the newlywed rate. There's just one small problem. Another couple is interested in the car. You guys know Ken and Linda, right? SYDNEY: We met them last night. Phil points across the showroom floor to an office on the other side, where Ken and Linda are sitting. They wave. PHIL: Well, they arrived in Liberty Village a few days before you did, and they're under evaluation as well. We're only going to let one couple join our family here, and, this being America... Phil reaches under the desk and pulls out a metal briefcase and plops it on his desk. PHIL: We thought we'd decide things with a good old-fashioned...competition. (starts to open the case) The winning couple gets to move on in our program, oh, and a brand-new convertible...while the losing couple, well...dies. (Phil opens the case to reveal a handgun identical to the one Vaughn practiced assembling.) Now I should probably, get on out of the way before I get myself shot. Oh, and it looks like Lloyd gave them a bit of a head start...Sorry about that. Good luck to you guys. Phil moves out of the way as Vaughn moves around to start frantically assemble the weapon as Ken and Linda across the way do the same. CUT TO BLACK Back to Vaughn and Ken assembling their weapons. Ken finishes first and hands the weapon to Linda. SYDNEY: Get down! Syd and Vaughn flip Phil's desk in time to block the shots. Vaughn has now finished assembling his weapon and holds it up over the edge of the desk as Ken and Linda scatter. Vaughn leaves the office and Ken attacks him with their metal suitcase. Vaughn's gun goes skittering across the showroom floor. Vaughn and Ken begin to fistfight. Sydney hides behind one of the cars on the floor as Linda takes aim at her. After a moment, she runs across the floor, scoops up Vaughn's gun and rolls herself across the back of the convertible to hide inside as Linda fires at her. (Note that all these cars appear to be armored, as none of them take bullet damage) Sydney fires at Linda and Linda ducks behind a car. Cut to Vaughn and Ken. Vaughn kicks the suitcase away and punches Ken. Cut back to Sydney in the car as it spins, she takes aim and fires, catching Linda in the chest. Looking ahead, Sydney sees Vaughn and Ken still fistfighting in the remnants of Phil's office. Sydney searches the car for keys and then we hear the car revving up. Vaughn takes a quick peek to see who it is and gets punched in the jaw for his trouble. Sydney puts the car in gear and it screams down the ramp. Vaughn gets up and whacks Ken with his metal suitcase, pushing Ken out of the room and right into Sydney's path. Sydney hits him with the car and Ken goes flying up over to land on the concrete. Screeching to a halt, Sydney yells: SYDNEY: Get in! Vaughn hops in the car and they streak away. Evening as we see the convertible parked in front of Syd and Vaughn's home. Cut to the bathroom, all the taps running again. Cut to a closeup of Marshall's watch. THe crown is all smashed. SYDNEY (handing it to Vaughn to inspect): It's dead. Sydney sits on the edge of the bathtub, Vaughn sits on the floor, his back against the half wall that protects the toilet. VAUGHN (who has a small gash on his left forehead): Well, protocol dictates we contact APO and let them know what's going on. SYDNEY: We might have access to communications, now that we've "joined the Liberty Village family"... VAUGHN: They tried to kill us over a car. I mean, if we stay, they might...send us to the supermarket and launch grenades at us... SYDNEY: Well, we can't just leave. This place is like a prison! Our best bet is still to maintain cover. Vaughn reluctantly nods. VAUGHN: Yeah, well next time we go on one of his tests, I'm bringing our gun, I don't care what he says. Vaughn lets out a long, weary sigh and rests his head against the half wall behind him. SYDNEY: Vaughn, come here. She puts out her hand and he puts his in it. She pulls him over to sit next to her on the bathtub rim. Sydney examines his wound and he flinches. VAUGHN: Is it bad? SYDNEY: You've looked better... Sydney runs her hand down his face and through his hair while resting her other hand on his far cheek, pulling him to her gently so she can kiss his temple near where he got hurt. Sydney starts to drop little kisses on the side of Vaughn's face as his hand slides up to cover the one she has on his cheek. He pulls back slightly, just enough so he can look into her face before they lean forward in a tender kiss. As it deepens, Vaughn lifts a hand to Sydney's cheek and then pulls her into his embrace as her hands slide to his back. Fade into Syd and Vaughn in the shower, naked except for their wedding rings and the string of pearls that Sydney was wearing. They are face to face, kissing and holding each other. Sydney pulls back a little and says, SYDNEY: The story you told at the dealership... Vaughn nods. Sydney slides a hand down Vaughn's cheek and he leans in to drop a kiss on Syd's neck. SYDNEY: We were supposed to go to Santa Barbara three years ago...and we never made it. Vaughn shakes his head as if to say "No, but..." VAUGHN (in soft, loving voice): Karen and Dave did. Syd and Vaughn stare lovingly at each other for a long moment and smiling before kissing passionately again. Cut to nighttime establishing shot of LA flyover of buildings via helicopter. Cut to Marshall's techie office, where Jack has arrived to find out what Marshall has discovered about any missed hidden codes in the books. MARSHALL: Well, I started by eliminating the more obvious: sequence book codes, steganography, invisible ink, maybe the watermark...but then, I realized (picks up a book and gestures with it)...it was right in front of my face the whole time; the inscription. Take a look... Marshall opens up the book to the front end paper, where Jack had written a dedication to "Laura" when he gave it to her. MARSHALL (reading inscription): Right here... (ahem) "Laura, All my love forever and a day... Jack." Jack has this constipated look on his face as if he really wishes he didn't have to be reminded yet again how gullible he once was. MARSHALL: That's...really sweet! I mean...that's a side of you I never really get to see, Mr. Bristow. I have to...have to say I like it. JACK (deadpan): I fail to see the relevance. MARSHALL (squirming): Uh, right, sorry. So did the NSA. Anyway, I ran a criminographic analysis of the ink, and check this out: one of the periods in the ellipses contains ink that was different than the inscription did itself. It was added after you wrote it. Irina encoded it with a microdot. Marshall goes over to his computer screen and pulls up a microscopic photo of the enhanced microdot, showing a jumble of Cyrillic letters shaped like a circle. MARSHALL: So...I maginified it with a digital microscope, and...look at this. It's a protocol Irina used to contact one of her operatives: someone important, considering how detailed it is. Jack looks stunned (for Jack, that is ). JACK: Any idea whom she was communicating with? MARSHALL: Well, all that's there is a codename: Sentinel. JACK: Do we have copies of everything inside? MARSHALL: Well, yeah...but you're giving it to the Russians? Jack walks over to a metal case and puts the book inside, closing the lid. JACK: Sentinel's a deceased operative; it's a dead end. The Russians can have it. Our priorities are Sydney and Vaughn. Jack picks up the case and starts to leave the room with it, leaving Marshall to stare after him. Cut to Syd and Vaughn, asleep in bed. Syd is sleeping on Vaughn's chest and he has his arm around her. She's wearing a white satin slip and he's wearing a gray T-shirt. As they sleep, we hear noise coming from outside their room. The door to their room creaks open and a sliver of light is illuminated across Vaughn's chest. Suddenly, Vaughn springs from the bed intent on attack...pushing the assailant against the wall of the bedroom and takes a swing at him...but Tom is ready and catches his fist. TOM: Gooooood. (he drops Vaughn's fist) You're awake. We need to get you packed: We're going to America. Cut to Vaughn's reaction; he takes a baby step back as if surprised. Cut to Sydney's reaction as she sits up in bed. She's also surprised. CUT TO BLACK Cut to daytime shot via helicopter of the observatory. Cut to Alexi and Jack. Alexi is looking inside a paper bag. ALEXI: The agreement was for all of the books... JACK: That's the one you're looking for. Alexi pauses for a long moment and swallows, as if surprised that Jack knew what they were looking for. ALEXI: We haven't heard from Irina in quite some time. JACK: She's a difficult woman to keep track of. ALEXI: That she is. She always spoke quite favorably of you. Her attachment made her work...problematic at times. JACK (laced with sarcasm): I hope I didn't cause you...too much inconvenience. ALEXI: We have an aircraft waiting at Cheznyev airstrip. A support team will provide transport for your assets once they have left the facility's perimeter. Jack nods. ALEXI: Goodbye, Jack. JACK: Alexi. Alexi turns and walks away. Cut to Syd and Vaughn's Liberty Village home. Tom, Syd, Vaughn and Bill sit around a dining table. Tom has a laptop open while Syd and Vaughn study a dossier in front of them. TOM: 1526 Glenbury Lane: three bedroom, two bath, hardwood floors...they've even got a breakfast nook. VAUGHN: What, we're moving to Chicago? TOM: You're Chicago...(indicating Bill and Donna) they're Atlanta, Diane and I are New York. You have a meeting on Tuesday with Piers Financial. We've prepared extensive backgrounds for you. Human resources flip out over young, upstart couples like yourselves...provided you ace the interview, of course. SYDNEY: We're attacking an investment firm? TOM: No, we just need access to their servers. At some point in the near future, an unfortunate incident is going to befall the New York Stock Exchange. If we have access to these servers of America's financial institutions at that time, we'll be in prime position for a massive redistrubution of wealth. BILL: Think of it as, um...aggressive Marxism. VAUGHN: What's the casualty projection for this...unfortunate incident? TOM (amused): Are the 'Gladiators of Liberty Village Automotive' having a sudden crisis of conscience? SYDNEY: Civilian deaths mean repercussions. VAUGHN: We'll need an exit strategy. TOM (to Vaughn in Russian): You'll be long gone before the bodies are cold, Dmitri. Vaughn nods. TOM: That reminds me...we should go over the op tech in case we have to reroute you guys through New York. What do you know about electromagnetic weapons? Vaughn and Sydney give each other a fleeting look. Cut to daytime establishing shot of LA via helicopter. Cut to Marshall, who is working on another gadget in his office. As his computer beeps, he looks up. The computer screen reads: INCOMING DATA ALERT - Russian Consulate Update: Germans have transferred the Tabokovs to a maximum security prison in Havel. Marshall gasps and gets up, and practically runs down the corridor to Sloane's office. MARSHALL (breathless): Mr. Sloane...the Tabakovs...the couple that Sydney and Vaughn are impersonating? The Germans just moved them. SLOANE: ...to a maximun security prison in Havel. The Consulate informed me of the transfer a few minutes ago. MARSHALL: The Consulate informed everybody of the transfer a few minutes ago: they sent the order over an unsecured line. If the October Contingent have the Tabakovs' names flagged... SLOANE: Send the abort code. Get Sydney and Vaughn out of there now. Marshall runs back to his office. Cut to a shot of the watch lying broken on a bedside table while Bill and Vaughn pack. BILL: Now, underneath you have a secondary compartment. (lifts it to show two dossier folders inside) your meet protocol, your exit fill documents...we even threw in the backgrounds of all your new neighbors. Should help you make small talk at barbeques. (Bill pats Vaughn on the back as they share a laugh) Cut to a shot of the EMP device as Tom explains it to Sydney. TOM: Disengage the failsafe device (demonstrates)...lift the cover (demonstrates)...and flip the switch (mimicks the motion needed to flip switch). You don't wear a pacemaker, do ya? Sydney smiles and Tom smiles back as Tom's cell phone rings. TOM: I'm kidding... Sydney and Tom share a laugh as he answers his phone. TOM: Hi, hon. Yeah, yeah...no, things are right on schedule. (pausing to listen) Um, hmm? Yes...no, they're very excited about their breakfast nook. DIANE (in Russian): Kill one. Keep the other for interrogation. TOM (turning back to look at Sydney, who is still sitting at the table, stydying the schematic for the EMP while he talks): Yes, I'll be sure to tell 'em. (pause) I love you, too. Sydney gives Tom a sideways glance before going back to the schematic. CUT TO BLACK In Sydney and Vaughn's dining room as Tom hangs up his cellphone. TOM: That was Diane. She said to pack warm; Chicago's cold this time of year. Gets a little obsessed when we travel. Sydney looks up at Tom and smiles, setting the schematics aside. TOM (offhand): You want some more coffee? SYDNEY: I'd love some, thanks. Tom takes Sydney's cup and walks toward the kitchen with it as he speaks. TOM (laughing): Watch...I'm telling you, it's amazing, just like clockwork. As soon as we'll be outside of Vologa, she'll um, think that we left the stove on... Tom pulls his handgun from inside his belt and whips around...but Sydney is gone. He starts to walk around, searching for her, his gun still drawn. Cut to the bedroom where Bill talks as Vaughn packs. BILL: So we had to do our initial evaluation at the Liberty Village Fried Chicken. I got burn marks all over my back from the fry machine. Cut to Tom, still searching the downstairs. His cellphone rings and he answers it with one hand. TOM (in Russian): Where is she? Just as Tom walks into the room, Sydney hits him in the back of the head with a vase. Cut to upstairs, where Bill and Vaughn hear the commotion. Suddenly Bill reaches for his gun and Vaughn knocks it out of Bill's hand as Bill shoves him against the wall. Bill and Vaughn trade punches. Bill punches Vaughn in the face and then grabs him by the back of the neck and throws him across the room through a floor length mirror (shades of The Telling, anyone?). Cut back to Syd and Tom fighting in the living room. They trade kicks and punches until Syd finds her back to the fireplace mantle. Tom puts his hand around her neck and tries to strangle Sydney. She elbows him in the face and pushes him away, snatching up a fireplace poker just in time to knock Tom's pistol from his hand again. In the distance, we can hear police sirens and see searchlights from a helicopter outside the window. Sydney hits Tom a couple more times with the poker and finally knocks him out. She picks up his pistol and comes around the corner of the room into the hallway with the gun drawn...only to find Vaughn, with Bil's gun drawn coming down the staircase. SYDNEY: They're on to us. VAUGHN: Yeah, I figured that part out. Sydney runs into the dining room and grabs the EMP device. SYDNEY: I don't know what happened, but we gotta get out of here. They open the front door and run onto the lawn as the helicopter searchlight tries to follow their progress. They are shot at by snipers, but miss. They crouch down behind Tom's car in the street. They look up to see the helicopter circling around toward them. VAUGHN (yelling to be heard over the noise): Set it off! Set off the EMP! Sydney sets the case down and sets off the EMP device. Suddenly all the streetlights, car headlights go off, cars stop, the helicopter searchlight goes off. Cut to an over head shot of Liberty Village from the air as all the power grids go off. Cut back to the helicopter as it falls helplessly from the sky, landing on a house down the street in a fiery crash while soldiers getting out of a jeep in front of it scatter. SYDNEY: Maybe it's time we move out of the suburbs. Syd grabs the EMP device and Sydney and Vaughn take off running. Cut to daytime establishing shot of LA skyline by day. Cut to Sloane, talking to someone in his office. SLOANE: Russian authorities officially deny that an American training ground ever existed within their borders. However, off the record, they have expressed gratitude for our assistance with their takedown of the October Contingent. Cut to view of Sloane's face over a videophone. Pull back to see Sydney and Vaughn in the cargo hold of a military aircraft, watching the feed from the phone. SLOANE: We'll debrief in detail upon your arrival, but for now...good work. Cut to Sloane's view of Sydney and Vaughn on his video phone. SYDNEY: Thank you. VAUGHN: Thank you. Sloane turns off the feed, and then speaks to Jack, sitting across the desk from him: SLOANE: So, Alexi made good on his promise. JACK: Which means our suspicions regarding Sentinel are correct: the Russians are searching for Elena Derevko. SLOANE: Well, we will have to move up our timetable. Jack nods. Cut to an exterior shot of military aircraft. Cut to inside, where Syd and Vaughn sit. SYDNEY: It's strange...but I'm not exactly excited about returning to America...for some reason. VAUGHN: Well, it was kind of nice not to have to be us for a while. Vaughn removes his Liberty Village wedding ring and sets it down next to the computer they were using as a videophone. SYDNEY: Well, I happen to like us...even if we are a little cold. VAUGHN (smiling): And boring...don't forget boring. SYDNEY (smirking): How could I? Sydney takes her rings off and sets them down on the other side of the computer. VAUGHN: You know, we have operational command of this aircraft. The pilot could take us anywhere we want... SYDNEY (playfully scolding): Our orders are to proceed with our extraction. If we were divert this aircraft for our personal use, we would get into a lot of trouble. VAUGHN: Yes. SYDNEY (looking a bit disappointed): Yeah... VAUGHN: Wanna have dinner with me in Paris? SYDNEY (no hesitation at all): Absolutely. They lean in to kiss each other tenderly and then the camera cuts to Sydney's engagement and wedding ring sitting on the table in front of them, focusing closer and closer until, CUT TO BLACK

Plan: A: Russian nationals; Q: What are Vaughn and Sydney posing as? A: Russia; Q: What country is the village located in? A: a typical American town; Q: What does the "village" resemble? A: American society; Q: What was the town used to train KGB agents to blend into? A: America's economy; Q: What is the terrorist cell trying to bring down? A: an electromagnetic pulse weapon; Q: What are the terrorists training to use? A: Marshall; Q: Who discovers information in a book used by Irina Derevko? A: Irina Derevko; Q: Who used a book to contact her handlers? A: Derevko; Q: Who is the Russian group trying to find? A: Colony Three; Q: What is the name of the Danger Man episode that this Alias episode strongly resembles? A: John Drake; Q: Who infiltrates a Russian facility that simulates a British town in an episode of Danger Man? A: Dan Briggs; Q: Who was the leader of the team in the Mission A: U.S. citizens; Q: What were the foreign agents being trained as? A: a simulated Illinois town; Q: What kind of town did the IMF team pose as foreign agents in? A: a plague; Q: What do the agents unknowingly carry to America? Summary: Posing as Russian nationals, Vaughn and Sydney are brought to a "village" located in Russia that resembles a typical American town. It was once used to train KGB agents in how to blend into American society, but is now being used by a terrorist cell to train operatives in preparation for bringing down America's economy using an electromagnetic pulse weapon. Marshall discovers information in a book Irina Derevko used to contact her handlers. For some reason, some Russian group is trying to find Derevko. This episode strongly resembles an episode of Danger Man titled "Colony Three" in which John Drake infiltrates a Russian facility that simulates a British town. It also resembles an episode of Mission: Impossible titled "The Carriers" where the team headed by Dan Briggs poses as foreign agents being trained as U.S. citizens in a simulated Illinois town so that they will unknowingly carry a plague to America.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Raylan: We know Drew's alive and in Harlan, but it's gonna be a bitch to find him. We could use your help. Arlo: Now we're getting to it. Raylan: Theo Tonin knows Drew's alive, too, and guess who he's got on his payroll. Boyd Crowder. You might start with the other guys Boyd's been seen with lately... Lee Paxton and Gerald Johns. Raylan: One of your fellow inmates is cutting a deal to get a transfer to Club Fed. You give him up first, deal's yours. This fellow inmate wouldn't happen to share a last name with you, would he? Arlo: [ Screams ] Art: You okay? Raylan: I'm fine. Can we get back to the case? Johnny: I want to know who put the hurt on you? Was it Colt? He was tweaking and pissed off, asking about Ellen May. Johnny: Ellen May? Where she is or did she call or some sh1t. Tim: Hey, Boyd Crowder's ride. You here for a check-up? Yeah, I got a... [ Coughs ] Bagram lung. What can I get you? Same as before? Colton: No. I need 20 grand. [ Grunts ] [ Gunshots ] Colton: I know you. We met at the V.A. You were with that Marshal. Oh, yeah. Right. [ Gunshot ] [ Indistinct conversations ] Popped in the chest... both of them. One in his skivvies drug himself clear across the floor to get to his phone. Rather than call 911, he texts you. Think you can shed some light on to what this text here is about? "Bagram," it says... one word. Tim: It's an air base we flew out of back in the sandbox. Other than that... Must have thought it was pretty important, being his last word. Dealer Dave, he don't look like much, but he was 3rd Battalion 5th Marines in Fallujah, and he knew everything there is to know about weapon retention... hence, the skivvies and the safe area. Point is, he dealt primarily to veterans. Are you sure you can't think of any connection, given your service background? Tim: I was never anywhere near Fallujah. And your friend? Tim: He was having some troubles, is all I know. Anything else? Deputy Marshal Gutterson, if you think of anything... any window into this mess... you'll let us know? Tim: Yeah, absolutely. Thanks. Thought you were never gonna get here. You in that big a hurry to transfer to Supermax? Ride on a bus couple hours, see the sun? That's like a carnival cruise. Yeah, you say so. [ Gate buzzes ] It's all there. All right, sunshine. You got your tan. Let's hit the road. [ Sighs ] You think maybe I could roll down a window? Eh, we'll see. Hey, they're leaving without me. [ Chuckles ] Ah, hell no. What's this bullshit? Raylan: Hello, Hunter. ♪ On this lonely road ♪ ♪ trying to make it home ♪ ♪ doing it by my lonesome ♪ ♪ pissed off, who wants some? ♪ ♪ I'm fighting for my soul ♪ ♪ God get at your boy ♪ ♪ you try to bogard ♪ ♪ fall back, I go hard ♪ ♪ on this lonely road ♪ ♪ trying to make it home ♪ ♪ doing it by my lonesome ♪ ♪ pissed off, who wants some? ♪ ♪ I see them long, hard times to come ♪ Art: Are you sh1tting me? You let Raylan take him?! Holy sh1t. He said it was a late birthday present. Art: Arlo Givens' body not even cold on the slab, and you let Raylan drive off into the sunset with his killer! Have you lost your mind?! Where is he? Tell me he's in Leoville, dropping off the prisoner like a good boy. Tim: Not unless they moved it to Harlan, 'cause transponder's got him around Baxter. Art: God damn it. God damn it! You want me to go up and get him? Art: I want you to sit your ass down and get used to purging case files until I figure out how to like you again! [ Sighs ] Tim: Do you want me to call him? Art: Yes, call him and articulate to him my extreme displeasure. And let him know that if anything happens to sheriff Hunter while in his custody, he will no longer be a Marshall and neither will I. And that is where his nightmare will begin! Tim: Do you want me to write that down, or paraphrase? Art: Don't be a smartass! And all the rest of you, I'm gonna spend the rest of my day calling local law enforcement and putting bolos out on assholes. So if anybody wants to screw anything else up, just wait till tomorrow. So, what then? Raylan: "What then," what? This I... this is what it's gonna be like... you riding up there all quiet like you're Harry Callahan and I'm supposed to be back here sh1tting myself? Raylan: Lord, I hope not. I'm trapped in the car with you. So then it's, "he tried to" escape, so I had to shoot him down by the side of the road"? Tim: Hunter, I am a deputy U.S. Marshall, executing a prison transport. [ Cellphone ringing ] You think I'm stupid... want to wind up in your old cell when this is over? You're calling 'cause art's pissed. Tim: You have no idea. Raylan: I got some. How is deputy Dunlop faring? Tim: Well, he's looking at a bright future in mall security, thanks to you. Raylan: I'll make it up to him. Tim: You got to know better than thinking you can hurt this guy. Raylan: I can hurt him a little, can't I? Tim: Raylan. Raylan: I'm just gonna sort a few things out before I drop the man off safe and sound at Leoville. Tim: Such as? Raylan: I just want to know who hired him to hit Arlo. Dixie mafia, maybe. That's my first thought. Could be Boyd, but given their history, I don't know how that works. Tim: You know art's got locals out looking for you. Raylan: To be expected. Tim: Meaning maybe you could use a little help. Raylan: Yeah. Help how? Tim: I could tell art I got your voicemail, buy you a little time to do whatever it is you got in your head. I could come up to Harlan, poke around the Crowder place. Raylan: I appreciate that, Tim, but don't put yourself out. Tim: I mean, you go up that way, it's bound to blow South. And, besides, I got something I want to check out anyway. Raylan: I got to go. This is our stop. [ Cellphone beeps ] Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell is this? Raylan: Oh, this? This is where I start to find out what's what. Wynn: Deputy, I'm not sure I understand exactly what it is you're after. Raylan: Hunter, you remember back in the day, Arlo got picked up for assault? Something to do with Johnson McClaren's dog? [ Gasps ] Ow! Raylan: Johnson McClaren's dog? Ohh, the dog was sh1tting on your lawn. [ Groans ] Arlo roughed up McClaren over it and I arrested him. Jesus, God. Raylan: All that dog did was bark and sh1t, like one thing had something to do with the other. Some kind of collie mix, I think. Wynn: I had a Yorkie, growing up. May I ask... Raylan: Now accusations are flying every which way. The McClarens are gunning up to go after the Givens. The Givens are calling on the Crowders to go after the Sorensons, who are kin to the McClarens. Wynn: It sounds like a complicated time. Raylan: Until my mama, Frances. Remember what she did, Hunter? [ Chair thuds ] She called a meeting. Raylan: She said it was time we all got together and hash it out. She had some French blood in her, I believe, and she told us how the term "hashing it out" came from the French word hatchet, meaning to cut through all the bullshit. Wynn: And your idea of cutting through the bullshit is you showing up at my motor coach with a prisoner in tow? Raylan: This prisoner is one Hunter Mosley. [ Sighs ] Raylan: And he may be the only person I know alive... Who knows Drew Thompson. Wynn: Well, now. Raylan: Mr. Mosley is being transported to Supermax in the recent wake of putting a shiv in Arlo Givens, such to end his life. So I figure, Dixie mafia has got a history with Arlo and Drew. Why not put the two of you together and see what shakes out? Wynn: I'm sorry. Wait. Are you saying Arlo is dead? Raylan: You don't seem happy. I figured, if you ordered the hit, we'd all be drinking wild Turkey by now. Wynn: Deputy Marshall, I am truly sorry for your loss, but you have to understand, I had no idea. Raylan: Thank you, wynn. Whatever your other failings, I believe that's true. Wynn: [ Sighs ] Raylan: [ Raps desk ] Dixie mafia has no skin in the kill-Arlo game. I mean, if they kill Arlo, how are they gonna find the man they're looking for, which is to say, Drew Thompson? Wynn: Since you're here already, maybe I could help you take care of this right now. Could be fun... noodling on ideas about what to do with Mr. Hunter. It's only been on the market a week. It's gonna go fast. Boyd: Well, you always said you wanted a garden. Ava: That's a garden. Lord, it's like a storybook. [ Chuckles ] Storybook is right, right down to the rosebushes and the white picket fence. Uh, there's a sheet with all the specs, although the house speaks for itself... glorious views out of every window. [ Doorknob turns, alarm blares ] Oh. [ Alarm continues ] [ Keypad beeping ] [ Alarm stops ] [ Chuckles ] Fully integrated security system, as you just noticed. [ Chuckles ] Honey, don't you know opening anything will set it off? [ Ringtone playing ] Oh, uh... Ava: Sorry. [ Cellphone beeps ] Boyd: [ Gasps ] Baby. What do you think baby... a 60-inch television screen and my daddy's 14-point buck? Ava: Boyd? Boyd: [ Sighs ] Ava, what is it? Ava: That's the maid's room, there. [ Sighs ] And that's the laundry room. And that's a walk-in closet. Then I think you go through here. There's a den. It leads to the outside. Um, and there should be a fountain across the yard, in the corner. Boyd: How do you know all this? Ava: When my mama used to clean this house, the maids used to come through the back, but I remember that little room and playing in the fountain. Boyd: I never knew that about your mama. Ava: [ Sighs ] Boyd: So she cleaned a lot of houses up here in Clover Hill? Ava: Mm-hmm. They'd smile at her real nice. But they locked up their jewelry whenever she came over. Boyd: Hmm. So, do you like what you see so far? Ava: Mm-hmm. It's a big place. [ Sighs ] I don't know if you got help, but it's a lot of house to clean on your own. Ava: [ Chuckles ] Can we see the outside? Of course. It sits on over an acre of grass. Again, a lot of upkeep. Are you sure I can't show you something a little further down the hill? There are some lovely starter homes down there... beautiful views, quaint. You and your husband might... Ava: Fiancé. You and your fiancé might want to think about the commute. What kind of work did you say you do? Boyd: Uh, we didn't. I ask because the banks are getting very stringent with applications. Ava: Honey, I didn't know any better, I'd say our realtor is implying we ain't got the means to buy up here. Oh, no, no, no. I-I didn't mean anything of the sort. I was just pointing out that the banks... Boyd: Whatever home we buy, we'll buy it outright... pay cash... obviating the need to get in the gutter with the banks. Ava, honey. Ava: Hmm? Boyd: Maybe real-estate agents are like new houses... You shouldn't fall in love with the first one. Oh. Mr. Crowder. [ Chuckling ] Now, wait a minute. I... Ava: Thank you very much. But we don't need your sh1t. You have a nice day. Boyd: It's a beautiful house. I say we buy it. I'll put your mama's name on a plaque and put it on the front door. Ava: I love calling you fiancé. Boyd: As much as I love hearing it. But you know what? I think you and your mama just got me one step closer to finding Drew Thompson. [ Sighs ] What would you have done if Duffy hadn't have stood aside? Raylan: Duffy knows me. We have a history. Point is, he'll send someone for you in prison. You're gonna die in Leoville, Hunter... sooner, not later. [ Sighs ] You think, huh? Raylan: Mm-hmm. [ Door handle clicks ] Maybe I'm a little craftier than I look. Raylan: Maybe you don't need to be. What does that mean? Raylan: It means I offered you a deal. Well... [ chuckles ] A lot has happened since then. Raylan: Nonetheless, the deal stands. Give me Drew, you can write your own ticket to a better place. God. [ Tires screech ] [ Groans ] [ Horn blares ] [ Horn honks ] Raylan: What the hell is the matter with you? [ Groans ] Raylan: You want to die in the street? Oh! [ Groans ] Raylan: Is that it? [ Groans ] Raylan: And you think I'm gonna let that happen? [ Groans ] What the hell are you doing? [ Groans ] [ Sighs ] Raylan: In the words of Arlo Givens, "I'm trying to" knock some goddamn sense into "you." [ Groaning ] [ Spits ] Raylan: What are you so afraid of? You'd rather die here than give me what I'm after. Shoot me. Put me in the car. Take me to Leoville. [ Groaning ] Ava: Arnold, you know we take care of our longtime customers. Just to show that we at Audry's got no hard feelings... I believe my sufferings earned me many, many free visits. Ava: Absolutely. Now, you sit right here. I got a surprise for you. It better not be some dumb whore popping caps at me. Ava: You just count to three and take that thing off. All right. [ Chuckles ] One... two... Three! Boyd: Surprise. God damn it. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Indistinct conversations ] Ava: Are you sure you're in the right place, honey? Cassie: I'm here looking for Ellen May. Ava: Oh, you're a friend of Ellen May's? Cassie: Um, more like an acquaintance. She was a member of my brother's congregation. Ava: Oh, I heard about all that. You poor thing. Uh, Ellen May moved on. She took to Alabama is what I heard. Heard the word. Took it to heart. [ Chuckles ] Said something about, uh, working at a church out there. Cassie: I'm sorry. Did you say Alabama? Ava: Mm-hmm. She didn't leave an address, but if I hear from her, I could try to leave a message. [ Pool balls clack ] What is it, sugar? [ Chuckles ] Cassie: She left word with one of our former parishioners, seeking guidance... said she was all tore up about something. Ava: Huh. When was this? Cassie: Uh, yesterday. Ava: [ Chuckling ] Well, that is strange. Cassie: She didn't say where she'd be, but I just reckoned it'd be here. Uh, if you see her, will you be sure and tell her that I'm praying for her? If she needs me, I'll be at the church or Lacey's garage, getting my truck fixed. Okay, then. Have a-a wonderful day. Bye. [SCENE_BREAK] Boyd: Now, you got your start in the security business. Am I right? I'm looking for somebody... Could have been an employee of yours. He would have been a new employee. He worked security for you back in the '80s, up on the hill. [ Knocking on door ] What is it? Ava: We got a problem. [ Siren wails ] [ Brakes squeak ] Raylan: Is that you, Shelby? Deputy Givens. Locals got a bolo on you. Raylan: [ Sighs ] A bit concerned... they claim you wandered somewhat afield of your destination. Raylan: Just want to make sure Hunter here gets a chance to see the sights before we get to Leoville. I don't suppose you've come to rescue me. Well, I've come to make sure you hadn't been took hostage. Give Hunter's appearance, maybe I ought to be worried the other way. Raylan: Injuries sustained in the course of trying to throw himself in front of a tanker truck. Sooner kill himself than tell me what I want to know. You know I'm supposed to take you in, convey you to the Marshals service. Raylan: The deal is simple... One name, he wins. Seems like a no-brainer to me. Well, here's what I'd do. Sweat him another half-hour. Maybe he takes the deal, maybe he doesn't. Either way, you've done what you could. You move on. Raylan: [ Sighs ] Or I drive him around another half-hour, he doesn't want to take the deal, I press a gun against his ear, send him where he wants to go. And you got no other plan? Raylan: I got constable Bob sweeney up at Lee Paxton's hunting lodge, looking into possibilities for Drew Thompson. Could be Gerald, could be Lee. I figured maybe I'd drag him in front of them, see what shakes out. Well, Paxton and Gerald are bound to be a bit jumpy, likely gunned up in the wake of their friends being took out. [ Raps hood ] Leave my car here. I'll ride with you all. We'll see what's what. [SCENE_BREAK] Colton: Hey, Boyd. What's going on? Boyd: [ Sighs ] Preacher Billy's sister, Cassie, came into Audry's, saying Ellen May left word for her. Colton: Left word? Do you mean before... Boyd: I mean left word for her yesterday. Now, you understand why this has caused us a little concern? Colton: That's not possible. Ellen May is dead and gone and there's no way she's leaving word about anything to anybody. Ava: [ Scoffs ] Then what the hell is going on? Boyd: Look, she came into town on a grift with her milked snakes, her arms out for cash. Now, likely as not, she's just angling for another payday. Ava: I got a bad feeling about this, Boyd. Something ain't right. Boyd: She's fishing. Now, something Ellen may told her. She isn't sure. She'll toss in the dynamite, close the door, wait and see what we do. Now, she said she's either gonna be in town at the garage or at her church. You think you can handle the church? Colton: What do you want me to do? Boyd: Right now, I just want her found. Now, I'll go into town. You call me if you find her. Colton: All right. Boyd: She came looking for you. She ain't gonna be hard to find. And when we find her, we'll bring her back here and hear what her game is. [ Smooches ] [ Car door closes ] [ Engine turns over ] Colton: sh1t! sh1t! sh1t! [ Inhales deeply ] [ Coughs ] [ Sighing ] [SCENE_BREAK] Johnny: So, what do you got? I don't get a "hello"? Johnny: [ Chuckles ] Hello. You called me. What? I saw Ava and some woman I've never seen before, talking about Ellen May, looking all serious. Johnny: Come on. Come on. What woman? I don't want anything I told you coming back on me, Johnny. Johnny: No, you don't need to worry about Ava right now. You need to worry about me. Understand? Now, I need you to tell me exactly what you heard. So, wait. Who's wynn Duffy? Raylan: Uh, Dixie mafia such-and-such, tools around in a motor coach. Don't matter. And you went there to what end? Raylan: I figured, if he put the hit on Arlo, maybe I'd suss it out, having Hunter there in front of him. But he didn't. Raylan: I don't believe so, no. That means Drew put the hit out himself, or... maybe Crowders. [ Scoffs ] Yeah. Raylan: Oh, I'm sorry. You have something to say now? Oh, you think as I'd so much as piss on a Crowder if he's afire [Chuckles] you really are chasing your own dick. Raylan: Still haven't forgiven the clan for what the one did. No, Raylan, I haven't forgiven Henry Crowder raping, torturing, and murdering my niece. Raylan: Don't mean you wouldn't take their money. A feud ain't about money. Raylan: Oh. And it ain't done till it's done. Me and the Crowders... we ain't done. Raylan: Tough... keeping up a beef from a Supermax cell. [ Scoffs ] You was the one brought it up. Arlo kicking up a feud over some dog pooping in your yard. Raylan: [ Chuckles ] That's Arlo for you. Yeah, only you remember it the wrong way. He's right. Dog was incidental. Johnson McClaren verbally assaulted your mother, frances. Arlo saw fit to shove a pound of dog sh1t down his dirty mouth... Kind of poetic justice. Raylan: Assaulted how? He made implications around town as to her proclivities, things he'd like to see her do. Pushed it too far. Frances took the high road... Called a truce, although she had every right to be affronted. You bet he was protecting her honor. Raylan: Arlo did that? Mm-hmm. Frances took a path I never could. I'd put down Henry Crowder again, whatever it took... And again and again... same way each time. Once you make a decision, set down the path, you follow it right to the end, at least... That's the way I always saw it. Raylan: Hunter, are you trying to tell us this is all about honor for you? I'm talking about who we are. 'Cause that's why we do what we do. Raylan: Well, if Drew don't want to see you die keeping his secret, maybe you'll get lucky and he'll step up. Otherwise, you got a short, ugly road once the Dixie mafia gets ahold of you in Leoville. [ Door opens ] Boyd: She wasn't at the garage... Not anywhere in town I could find. Ava: Did you hear from Colt? Boyd: No. [ Sighs ] But we will. Johnny: Cassie coming into Audry's? What the hell is going on? Boyd: The wind ain't done blowing yet. Colton's checking it out. Ava: How long does it take to get to that church anyway? Boyd: Baby, you know as well as I do, you can't get any cell service up in that holler. Johnny: Colt's checking it out? Boyd: Isn't that what I just said? Johnny: You can't trust Colt. Boyd: What are you saying? Johnny: I'm saying the man's a liar. He never killed Ellen May. Boyd: Uh... well, uh, cousin Johnny, Ava and I have been trying to put together a puzzle, and it seems like you have some of the missing pieces. Why don't you start from the beginning? Johnny: You got to understand, Boyd, I didn't want to accuse him without something solid. You brought him in here, put him up in that catbird seat over me... some clown I never even met before. And he ain't kin... wasn't even in your damn unit over there. But he was your friend, so I didn't know what I could do. Boyd: So when you suspect he's been lying to us, you do absolutely nothing. Johnny: I was there for devil. I have always been there for you. [ Dissonant chord plays ] Cassie: Sorry, friend, church is closed. Most of the congregation moved down to green rock holler. I know you. You're hurting. Medicated. Colton: [ Sighs ] Cassie: Trying to numb the pain of your sins. But you feel trapped, don't you... by the drugs, by the weight of it all? You come seeking solace? Colton: I come looking for Ellen May. Cassie: Well, she's not here... that much I can guarantee you. Let me help you. Don't you want to be free from the devil's grip? [ Gasps ] Johnny: Where is she? Cassie: [ Moaning ] Colton: Where's Ellen May? Cassie: Oh! Colton: Huh? Cassie: No! Colton: Where is she? You playing with me? Cassie: Don't! Colton: Did you send me that text? Where is she? Cassie: [ Choking ] Colton: Where the hell is she?! Tim: Let her go. Right now! Let her go! Cassie: Oh! [ Gasping ] Tim: Deputy U.S. Marshal. Are you all right, miss? Colton: This isn't your business. Tim: I'm making it my business. You remember me, bagram lung? Your cough seems to have cleared up. My friend Mark from the V.A. Got killed at his dealer's place. I don't remember you being this quiet last we met. Did you kill my friend? I wouldn't. You're not drawing on junkies and dealers now. Boyd: Miss Cassie? Tim: You stay right where you are... deputy U.S. Marshal. Boyd: I know who you are, deputy. Uh, miss Cassie, I offer my deepest apologies for my associate's behavior. Now, with your permission, officer, I just want to take my friend with me. I will make sure that his transgressions are properly punished. You have my word. Colt, put the gun away. Now, all we want is to leave in peace. Need I remind you that you are an officer of the peace? Thank you. Colton: [ Coughs weakly ] [ Tarp flaps ] Boyd, I'm telling you, she knows something. Boyd: I'm sure she does. We'll clear it up soon enough. Colton: My truck. Boyd: Let Johnny take it. You ride with me. When we get back to the barn, you can tell me what's what. Keys. [ Keys jingle ] [ Engine turns over ] [ Slurring ] Constable Bob. What brings you up here? Mr. Paxton, I'm here on Marshal business. I've been tasked with gathering you for a meeting. So, uh, could you put your gun down, please? Marshals must have fallen on hard times, sending you to do their business. What, did they run out of chimpanzees on their way down the food chain? Go on home, Bob. Some bad men headed this way, looking to put a hurt on me and Gerald. We got this. [ Chuckles ] Lee, hang on! Just... My name's Mr. Paxton, as far as you're concerned. You touch my door again, I'm within my rights to shove this barrel right down your fat, little throat. [ Scoffs ] Look, there's no reason to get nasty, all right? You just go on home, boy. Play cops and robbers in the mirror, hmm? [ Scoffs ] You go... you go play asshole in the mirror, Lee. [ Scoffs ] How about I shove my foot down your goddamn throat! [ Door opens ] Hey, are you deaf? I told you to get the hell off my property. I told you to drop that weapon right now! [ Slurring ] What the hell is going on out here? Both of you disarm! [ Sighs ] Well... Midget police is here. Aim low, Lee. [ Laughs ] Just... you drop your guns! That's an order! [ Both laughing ] [ Gunfire ] What in the hell? Raylan: God damn it, Bob. Down! Stop it! You put it down! Go home, you little sh1t! [ Laughs ] I'll show you midget police. [ Gun cocks ] Raylan: Here we go. I'll cover the back. Raylan: Sit tight. Try not to catch a stray. U.S. Marshals! Everybody stop shooting! Cops and robbers! Raylan: Bob! Stop it! [ Birds cawing ] Everybody calm down! Tell that goddamn nutball to stop! Raylan: Shut up. Guns down. Hands up. You too, Bob. Put the goddamn gun down. [ Gun thuds ] Sorry... they just kept pressing my buttons! Raylan: All right. Just... [ Sighs ] Take a moment. You got cuffs small enough to fit him? Raylan: He wasn't the only one shooting, if I'm not mistaken. [ Sighs ] We're within our right to protect property. Raylan: Save it. Don't give a sh1t. I'm here about Drew Thompson. [ Sighs ] Sorry about Arlo. Should have been clean and easy. He was a tough old bird, that guy. [ Chuckles ] [ Sighs ] You stood up for me. I told you I'd keep your secret, and I did. I was trying to tell you on the drive up here. I know. I always knew. So what now... Drew? Now I pull the ripcord for real. I'm grateful for what you've done... I truly am. You take care now. [ Car door closes ] [ Keys jingle ] [ Breathing heavily ] Raylan: Wouldn't be hard finding out if Hunter owed either of you something... Reason to go after Arlo. Wait, so that's what it's about? Some hit on your daddy connected him to Hunter mosley. [ Chuckles ] Jailbird, ex-lawman in the mob's pocket... Hey, that ain't how it was. Hunter got himself in a bind. Raylan: Bob, as much as I value your contributions... Right, but everything this guy's saying is bullshit, all right? Is that right? Yeah, that is right. Hunter and Shelby looked after me when I first come here, on account of that kid, Ollie kemp. I-I put him in a coma. Did I tell you about that? I did? Well, they did right by me. A lot of people were looking to put a lot of hurt on me 'cause of what I did to that kid, and those two were just partnered up. Hunter was barely a recruit... Still took care of my juvie probation, still got me the job at the sav-more. Even when Shelby took the fall for Hunter, I knew I was lucky having those guys looking after me. Raylan: Say that again. Shelby did what? Well, Hunter went after Henry Crowder, Crowder disappeared, and Miami got involved. There was all these hard eyes on the sheriff's department, but Shelby took the heat... you know, just acted the scapegoat. [ Engine turns over ] Did some back-channel deals so that Hunter could continue on in his career. That's when Shelby got into mine security. And even then, Shelby put a word in for me at the academy. Of course, they gypped me on the physical and had me run that goddamn obstacle course in the spring, with the pollen. I guess we about hashed through all the bullshit now, didn't we, Raylan? Hey, where the hell is my patrol cruiser? Raylan: Keep an eye on him. Just keep an eye on him. Boyd: A bullet to the head, right? Colton: [ Sighs ] What? Boyd: How you killed Ellen May... you put a bullet right in her brain. Colton: Yeah, and, well, she didn't feel a thing. Boyd: What kind of gun did you use? Colton: The .45. Back of the head. She's so small and light, it nearly blew it clear off. [ Sniffs ] Boyd: Can I see it? Colton: [ Sighs ] Boyd: You didn't dump it? Colton: Hell no, I didn't dump it. That's my service weapon. [ Sniffs ] I smuggled that all the way back from kandahar. Don't worry... that slurry chemicals, they're gonna kill all the ballistics. And I don't want to part with that. Boyd: But you did it at the pond. [ Drawer opens ] Colton: No, it was the woods on the way up to the slurry. [ Sighs ] I told you all of this already. Boyd: I like a .45. It's a very powerful gun. You can stop a very big boy with it. But me, myself, I prefer a 9 mill. [ Sniffs ] Show me. Colton: What? Boyd: Point this gun at the back of my head and show me exactly where you pulled the trigger. Colton: Are you serious? Boyd: Oh, I'm very serious. Colton: It's right there. [ Sniffs ] [ Sighs ] [ Clears throat ] Boyd: Well, why not in the front... like this? Colton: Because I didn't want to scare her. [ Gun cocks ] Boyd: Why? Colton: Why what? Boyd: Why are you lying to me, Colt? Colton: What's going on here, Boyd? Boyd: We know you didn't kill Ellen May. The lying stops right now. Colton: Boyd. Boyd: Tell me. Just tell me. Colton: I don't know what it... Johnny: Beating on Teri and asking about Ellen May? Ha ha, that was a big-ass mistake. Boyd: Tell me the truth, Colt. Tell me. Colton: [ Sighs ] I am so sorry, Boyd. I messed up. [ Gun clicks ] Boyd: [ Sighs ] Colton: [ Sighs ] [ Gun clicks ] Boyd: You have no idea what you've done. Colton: [ Sighs ] [ Gun thuds ] Uh... [ Sighs ] Boyd, I'm so sorry. I... I had her in my car. And we stopped at the gas station. And I-I went into the bathroom to check my gun, I came out, and she vanished. [ Sighs ] I have been trying everything I can to make this right. [ Sighs ] When I thought that the sheriff's department picked her up, I went down to Shelby and I asked for his help, but she vanished. Boyd: What did... what did you say? Colton: She's just gone, Boyd. Boyd: No, about Shelby. What did you just say? Colton: I went to him and his deputies. We looked up the records, but there's nothing on her. Boyd: Shelby knew that Ellen May was alive? Colton: Yes. Him. Boyd: Sheriff Shelby? My sheriff Shelby knew that you were looking for Ellen May? Colton: Yes... him, his deputies, all of them. I went to his house! Boyd: [ Sighs ] [ Stamps foot ] [ Sighs ] Get him out of my sight. Johnny: Hey! Let's go. [ Door opens ] Cassie: I've seen my share of addiction... you know all those poor souls who came to see Billy, just looking for salvation. [ Wrapper crinkles ] You had empathy for that man. Tim: [ Scoffs ] Cassie: You held back. Tim: [ Sighs ] When I take him down, his eyes will be clear. Listen... you see those men around again, you give me a call, all right? Cassie: Been a while since someone showed a little kindness. [ Cellphone buzzes ] Tim: Got to go. Ava: No, I'm not leaving you! Boyd: It's just a precaution. Now, you... you know Shelby's been angling to get out from underneath us. Ava: No, Boyd. Boyd: I'm gonna see you soon. I'm just gonna have a conversation with the man and see what it is he knows. Ava: We're in this together. Boyd: We are. But Delroy is on you. Go. Okay. [ Clears throat ] Ava: I should have killed her myself. Boyd: Well, it may come to that yet. Go. [ Engine shuts off ] Shelby? Raylan: Hello, Boyd. Not him. Boyd: I-I am unarmed. I'm just a civilian on an evening stroll. [ Handcuffs click ] Drew goddamn Thompson. [ Car door opens ] [ Sighs ] Raylan: Why the hell didn't you run? Where am I gonna go... run through the woods in prison orange? I couldn't even take a crap without dumping on some Leo out looking for me. That ain't no kind of life. Raylan: Well, that's an evolved perspective. Since I didn't run, I don't suppose any part of that offer is still available? Raylan: In the car, on the way up, you were telling Shelby you'd never talk. Like I said, that's who we are. Raylan: There ain't no deal anymore, Hunter. I'm sorry. That ship sailed with Drew Thompson. Hmm, for all it's worth, I'm sorry about your daddy. Raylan: Eh, don't be. We had a nice visit before he passed. Did you? Raylan: He told me that he loved me and that he thought I was a good boy, said he was sorry for all the times he was a dick. He was gonna miss seeing me grow up, but he'd be watching over me every day. Sounds like Arlo, all right. Raylan: What can I say? The man never let me down. Raylan. You listen to what your mama taught you and not that old son of a bitch, you may turn out all right. But I wouldn't count on it. 'Cause I think we both know whose voice it is makes you do what you do. Raylan: Let's go find Drew Thompson. [ Siren wails in distance ] [ Police radio chatter ]

Plan: A: Hunter Mosley; Q: Who is the former Harlan County Sheriff? A: Dixie Mafia man Wynn Duffy's trailer; Q: Where does Raylan take a side trip to? A: a tractor trailer; Q: What does Mosley try to kill himself by standing in front of? A: current Harlan County Sheriff Shelby Parlow; Q: Who is the current Harlan County Sheriff? A: Art; Q: Who is looking for Raylan? A: Bob Sweeney; Q: Who does Raylan defuse a situation with? A: guns; Q: What were the Clover Hillers shacked up with? A: Detroit; Q: What mob killed the two Clover Hillers friends? A: the blame; Q: What does Raylan find out Shelby took for Mosley? A: a Crowder; Q: Who did Mosley take down? A: his identity; Q: What does Shelby thank Mosley for protecting? A: Shelby/Drew Thompson; Q: Who is Drew Thompson? A: a car; Q: What does Shelby steal? A: any use; Q: Mosley is no longer of what to the Mafia? A: the Marshals; Q: Who now knows who Drew Thompson is? A: a chase; Q: What is set up between lawmen and criminals to find Shelby first? A: Boyd; Q: Who goes to Shelby's house to find out how much Shelby knows about Ellen May? Summary: On the way to another prison with former Harlan County Sheriff Hunter Mosley, Raylan takes a side trip to Dixie Mafia man Wynn Duffy's trailer. There, Raylan tells Wynn Duffy that Mosley knows who Drew Thompson is, ensuring that Duffy's criminal group will come after Mosley in jail. Raylan leaves with Mosley to go see two Clover Hillers that could be Drew Thompson. On the way there, Mosley jumps out of Raylan's car and tries to kill himself by standing in front of a tractor trailer. Raylan saves him. After that, current Harlan County Sheriff Shelby Parlow pulls over Raylan and tells Raylan that Art is looking for him. After finding out where Raylan is going, Shelby joins Raylan and Mosley in their car. Raylan defuses a situation with Bob Sweeney and the two Clover Hillers, who are shacked up with guns after a couple of their friends were killed by the Detroit mob. Raylan finds out that Shelby took the blame for Mosley taking down a Crowder. Now alone, Shelby reveals that he is Drew Thompson when he thanks Mosley for protecting his identity for so long. Shelby/Drew Thompson steals a car and leaves, while instead of running Mosley stays behind in Raylan's car. Mosley is no longer any use to the Mafia because the Marshals now know who Drew Thompson is, setting up a chase between lawmen and criminals to find Shelby first. Boyd goes to Shelby's house to find out how much Shelby knows about Ellen May, only to find the Marshals there. Boyd, disgusted, realizes Shelby is Drew Thompson.

Skyline: A crane is seen hoisting an object over the skyline. ACT I [Scene 1 - KACL Frasier is ending his show.] Frasier: Well, I think we've got time for one last caller. Go ahead, Mindy, I'm listening. Mindy: [v.o., softly] It's about my mother, Dr. Crane. Ever since I got married, she's been...yes, the cashmere turtleneck is $39. Frasier: Excuse me, what? Mindy: Sorry, I work in catalog sales, and my boss just walked past. So, anyway, my mom...yes, it's on sale till the end of the month. Frasier: Mindy, we are pressed for time. Roz: Hold on, Frasier. Cashmere for under 40 bucks? I'll take one in black. In medium. Wait, is that medium-medium or unrealistic- anorexic-model-medium? Mindy: It sounds like you might want to go for the large. Roz: Oh, really. Frasier: [cutting them off] And that's our show. What size will Roz order? Will she accesorize? Tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion. Good day, Seattle. [Frasier signs off. Kenny enters.] Kenny: Dynamite show, Doc, one of your best. Rosalinda, great work on the control panel. I'm going to start calling you "Control Freak." Well, you're probably wondering, "Who put a quarter in him today?" I just got a call from my lawyer. My divorce: final. I'm back to my tomcat days. [yelling with mock enthusiasm] Lock up your daughters, Seattle! Kenny Daly's on the loose! Roz: You might want to lose the wedding ring, tomcat. Kenny: Oh, yeah. Time to remove my shackle. [He attempts to remove the ring, but it won't budge.] Well, that's weird. Ooh, that's really stuck! Funny. That's how my wife described our marriage. [He continues to work at the ring, and begins to shake his entire hand violently.] "Stuck!" [letting his real feelings escape] Well, you're not stuck anymore, are you?! Oh, damn it, damn it! [Kenny breaks into sobs and collapses with his head on the radio console.] Frasier: Kenny, Kenny, come on, come on. Come and sit down. All right, here. Take a deep breath. Kenny: [recovering] I'm sorry. This thing's hit me like a ton of bricks. The only good news is I'll start getting a check every month. [Frasier and Roz exchange a look.] Frasier: Kenny, um, divorce can be one of life's most difficult transitions. Have you considered seeing a professional once or twice a week? Kenny: I've thought about it, but prostitutes are expensive. Roz: He means a psychiatrist, Kenny. That is what you meant, right? [Frasier nods yes.] Kenny: A shrink? Oh, geez Louise. I don't think I'd be comfortable talking to a psychiatrist. Frasier: Well, I'm a psychiatrist. You're comfortable talking to me, aren't you? Kenny: Are you offering to be my shrink? Frasier: No. Kenny: Well, I could probably handle that. Frasier: I was going to refer you to someone. Roz: Well, can't you help him, Frasier? Frasier: Well, I don't know, Roz. Giving psychotherapy to my employer? It's a bit of a gray area, isn't it? Roz: [laughing] Oh, come on, it's not like he's a real boss. Kenny: [rising] Yeah, Roz is right. Come on, Doc, I could use a little help. Frasier: Well, I suppose if you'd like to stop by my place and discuss your feelings informally, there'd be no harm in that. Kenny: Thanks, Doc. [They embrace.] And I'm paying you for your time. Frasier: No, no, that's hardly necessary. Kenny: No, no, no, I insist, now what do you get? Frasier: Kenny, don't worry about it, I'll gladly do it for free. What do you say we get together Friday night? Kenny: Thanks, Doc. I wish my ex-wife was as agreeable as you. And dead. Frasier: Okay, maybe tonight's better. [Kenny exits. Fade out.] [Scene 2 - Frasier's apartment Kenny is lying on the Coco Chanel couch. Eddie is perched on the back of the couch, watching.] Kenny: [intermittently sobbing] And the one time I was winning, my dad "accidentally" knocked over the checkerboard. Frasier: Ah. Kenny: And he made me pick up all the pieces, too. Fortunately, my mom was there with an extra piece of cake. [He breaks down and cries more freely.] [We see that Frasier is sitting cross-legged on the Eames chair, which he has moved between the couch and Martin's chair, and is holding his clipboard.] Frasier: I see. A controlling, narcissistic father and an overprotective mother. It has all the earmarks of a classic Oedipus complex. [speaking to the clipboard] Well, well. Old friend, we meet again. [to Kenny] Now, let me tell you, your deep-rooted feelings of castration...[A watch alarm beeps.] I'm afraid our time is up. Kenny: [still sobbing] Wait, what? Frasier: This has been fascinating. I believe we are finally on the brink of discovering a road into some real insights. I can't tell you, I believe I'm as exhilirated as you are. [He chuckles warmly. He has moved to the door. Kenny has slowly risen from the couch. Frasier moves to open the door.] Kenny: [far from exhilirated] Yeah. When are we going to talk about my divorce? Frasier: Ah, you may not know it, Kenny, but we already are. Now, for out next session, I want you to write a letter telling your father how you feel. Don't send it, just write it. Kenny: [exiting and turning back around] Homework? You never said there was going to be any homework. Frasier: It's all part of the process. Good night, Kenny. Kenny: But I... [Frasier closes the door and turns around beaming, quite oblivious to Kenny's concerns. Martin enters from the kitchen.] Martin: Geez, I thought that would never end. Frasier: Dad, how long have you been in there? Martin: The whole damn time! I went in for a beer, and Kenny came in and started crying and I was trapped. [He gets his coat.] So how's talking about checkers supposed to help him through a divorce? Frasier: Dad, the inability to maintain adult relationships often has its roots in parent-child trauma. Martin: What's your generation gonna do when we're all gone and there's no one left to blame? Frasier: You know, I really can't tell you how exciting it is to roll up my sleeves again and delve into someone's psyche. I don't even know where to begin, although you know, I do think it's particularly salient that the father never showed any interest in the things that were most important to his son. [During this speech, Frasier has seated himself on Martin's chair. Martin has largely ignored him and headed for the door.] Martin: Sounds good, Fras. Bye. [Martin exits the apartment. He finds Kenny standing outside the elevator.] Kenny: Hey, Martin! Martin: Oh, hi, Kenny, I didn't know you were here. How's it going? Kenny: Okay, I guess. [He pauses.] I have an emotionally crippled father. Martin: You don't say. [He calls the elevator, which Kenny apparently had not done.] Kenny: So, where you headed? Martin: Uh, gonna grab a beer at McGinty's. Kenny: Really? Well, I'm sure dehydrated after all that crying. Martin: You don't say. [He has become uncomfortable, and impatiently hits the elevator call button again.] Kenny: You mind if I tag along with you? Martin: Sure, why not? [The elevator arrives. They both step in.] Kenny: Oh, thanks, Martin. I really appreciate it. I bet you were a great dad. [He starts to sob again.] Martin: Oh, geez. [The elevator closes. Fade out.] [Scene 3 - Cafe Nervosa Niles and Daphne are seated, in the middle of a conversation.] Daphne: If you want to learn yoga, why do we need some fancy private teacher? There are classes we could take together down at the Y. Niles: Yes, and afterwards there are anti-fungal lotions we can use together, too. [Daphne rolls her eyes.] Niles: Just give Ahmrit a chance. If we don't achieve physical and spiritual harmony, the second lesson's free. [Frasier enters, carrying a small stack of books.] Frasier: Oh, hello, you two. Niles: Hey, Frasier. Daphne: Hi. Niles: Ooh, Freud, Bettelheim...Jung! Someone's playing with the big boys. Frasier: [chuckling with satisfaction] Yes, well, it's for my patient. Niles: [surprised] You're seeing patients again? Frasier: Well, just this one for the past three weeks. Very challenging case, too. The man has father issues, any number of neuroses, and a phobia or two. Niles: Sounds to me like you've hit the crackpot. [They exchange a laugh at Niles's quip. Daphne gives a silent groan with her eyes.] Niles: I'm sorry. I heard it at a convention. Frasier: Yes, yes. [He continues to chuckle.] Daphne: So how did you meet this new patient? Frasier: Well, I can't really say, Daphne. You know, doctor-patient confidentiality... [Kenny enters, interrupting him.] Kenny: Hey, shrink buddy! Niles: Hello, Kenny. How are you? Well, if you'll excuse us, we're off to buy sticky mats. [They all rise.] Daphne: [giving in] All right. [Niles and Daphne exit.] Frasier: Kenny, have a seat, have a seat. So, uh, how are you feeling? Kenny: Like a new man! Last night was just what I needed. Frasier: I can't tell you how gratifying it is to hear that. Kenny: Yeah. Me and your dad shut down McGinty's. Frasier: [a bit surprised] Really? You and Dad? Kenny: Yeah, actually, I'm meeting him here for coffee. Man, is he a hoot. He made me completely forget about my problems. Frasier: Well, good for you! Of course, the object is not to forget about one's problems. It's to understand them. Of course, that can take a lot of work. Kenny: Yeah, about the work part...your dad said something last night that made a lot of sense. He said I should get out more, and I was thinking, that's going to be tough to do if I'm seeing you twice a week, plus doing all this homework. I guess what I'm saying is...I want to quit. Frasier: Kenny, I understand it must be painful to uncover what is a very painful past. But I must warn you that if you run away from this now, you will only be repeating a pattern that will prolong your unhappiness. Kenny: I'm okay with that. Frasier: [agitated] In these past few sessions, we have uncovered territory that usually takes months to reach! I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I've been on fire! Kenny: Don't get me wrong, Doc, you've been great. It's just...it's not for me. [Martin enters.] Martin: Hey, guys! Kenny: Hey, hey, it's Party Hearty Marty! Martin: Hey, hey, it's, uh...[He can't remember Kenny's bar nickname.] Kenny: Sir Shots-a-lot. Martin: Right, hey! Frasier: Dad, can I have a word with you for a second? Martin: Yeah, sure. Kenny: Oh, I'll get us some coffee. [He goes to the counter.] Martin: Nice guy. Doesn't hold his liquor like you think he would. Frasier: Did you tell him that he should go out more? Martin: Yeah, what's wrong with that? Frasier: Well, he is using it as an excuse to quit therapy. After one night out with you in a bar, the man is ready to throw away three weeks of intense analysis! Martin: Well, Fras, the guy's finally having a little fun. Don't you want him to be happy? Frasier: I am not trying to make him happy. I am trying to cure his depression! [Martin gives a look of puzzlement at the paradox Frasier has just uttered. Kenny returns.] Kenny: Hey, Marty, does this remind you of anything? [He tips his head back and downs his coffee as he would a shot of liquor.] Kenny: Ow, hot, hot! Frasier: [rising] Get the man some water. [Kenny doubles over in pain. Fade out.] END OF ACT I ACT II [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene 4 - Niles and Daphne's apartment The two of them are on their mats, bended with their legs straight and their hands on the mats. The yoga instructor, Ahmrit, wearing a long white jacket, walks between them.] Ahmrit: And breathe...Daphne, that is an amazing Downward Dog. Daphne: Thank youl. Niles: [knees shaking] What about me, Yogi? How does my Downward Dog look? Ahmrit: Oh, dear. Can we straighten these legs? Niles: Oh, I wish. Congenitally shortened hamstrings are the curse of the Cranes. Ahmrit: Well, let's try a different pose, then. Slowly place your left leg between your hands, pivot your right heel down, straighten your legs, place your left arm on your ankle, raise your right arm, and...triangle pose. Trikonasan. [Daphne effortlessly executes the pose. Niles has problems, and cannot get his right arm in the air. Ahmrit, maintaining his low-voiced, "chant" style of speech, approaches Niles to help.] Ahmrit: Here's a block. Niles: No, I don't like the block. I'll use the... Ahmrit: Use the block. [Niles places his left hand on the block and then raises his right arm.] Ahmrit: [moving to assist Daphne] And breathe, and slowly bring your back leg up into Half-Moon pose. [Daphne again does this with ease. Ahrmit concentrates on her. Niles is apprehensive of even trying this.] Ahmrit: Now, feel your breath leaving your body like a note being blown from a flute. [He accompanies this with a gesture.] Daphne: Yes, I feel it! [Niles is having trouble getting his leg up, and his knee is bent.] Niles: I'm a flute, too, Yogi! Ahmrit: [patiently] Yes, of course you are. Straighten that leg, Niles. [He tries to assist him.] Straighten it out, straighten it out, there we are. [Niles's leg does not follow Ahmrit's hands.] Let's try it again, Niles. You can do it. Straighten that leg. Marvel--[He notices that Niles is pointing his index finger in the air.] Let's bend the finger, Niles. [He bends down Niles's finger, but it pops back up again. His face expresses frustration, but he maintains his calm.] Daphne: [beautifully maintaining the pose] Isn't this wonderful, Niles? Niles: [finger still pointing and leg bent] I love it. Ahmrit: [giving up] And breathe. And be completely in this moment. Shut out the outside world entirely. [Niles's leg returns the floor, and with great effort, he raises it again, still bent. A cell phone rings immediately after Ahmrit's speech. He answers it, reverting from his low-volume "chant" to a normal voice.] Ahmrit: Oh, hi, Mom. I'm kind of in the middle of something right now. Yes, I'm coming. I told you, I'm bringing the lentils. [pause] What do you mean again? You love lentils. [softer] Niles, straighten the leg, straighten the leg. [Niles collapses completely.] Okay, child's pose. That's good. [Niles recovers, but looks exhausted, and remains seated on the mat.] Ahmrit: [normal voice] So what if Jerry brings a different dish to every meal? It doesn't make him a god. [becoming agitated] Has Jerry achieved inner peace? I'm just asking, Mom, has Jerry achieved inner peace? [softly, aside to Niles and Daphne] I have to take this call. Would you pleas excuse me? [Ahmrit exits to the rear. Daphne emerges gracefully from her pose.] Daphne: Oh, that was fantastic! I feel so energized! Niles: Oh, you are really good! I hope I'm not holding you back. Daphne: You're doing wonderfully. He's paying you so much attention. I think he sees real potential. [She towels off her hands.] Niles: [still seated on the mat] You don't have to soothe my ego. Yoga isn't about competition. [without enthusiasm] It's about achieving enlightenment and integrating your inner and outer lives. [Niles folds his arms and pouts. Daphne wants to speak, but is at a loss for words. Fade out.] [Scene 5 - Cafe Nervosa Kenny and Martin are seated. Frasier enters.] Frasier: [suspiciously] Hello. Kenny: Well, this is awkward. I believe you know Martin. Frasier: [shaking Martin's hand] Yes, we've already met. Kenny, there's no reason to feel awkward. Believe me, I have other things to do with my evening than to share my expertise with someone who could use it. Now if you'll excuse me. [He goes to the counter.] Kenny: So are we still on for McGinty's tonight? Martin: Yeah, sure. And Kenny, I've been thinking about what you've been going through, and I've come up with the answer. A suede jacket. [Kenny is slightly confused.] Frasier: [to the waiter] Did you hear that? A suede jacket. I must have missed that lecture at Harvard Medical School. Martin: You look good in it, and women love to feel it. It's like you're a feast for all the senses. I used to have a suede coat when I was single. Hester made me put it away, but I'd pull it out whenever we'd have a fight, and in a minute, she'd be purring like a kitten. Kenny: You should break it out again. Martin: Oh-ho, at my age? It would kill me. Hey, you got time to do a little shopping. Kenny: Sure, I think I've got my good credit card with me. Frasier: [who has had difficulty enduring the conversation about the jacket] Leather won't cure your problems, Kenny. It's a temporary high. [Martin and Kenny exit, meeting Niles and Daphne on the way in.] Martin: Hey, guys! Niles: Hi. Daphne: Hello. Frasier: Oh, Niles, Daphne, hi, come join me. Niles: [ordering] Two low-fat lattes, a hazelnut biscotti, and... Daphne: And one blueberry scone. Daphne: Your brother set such a brisk pace walking over here, I could barely keep up with him. Niles: Daphne, you don't need to do that. Daphne: Why not? Shouldn't I be proud of my husband's brisk pace? Niles: [explaining] Daphne's trying to build up my ego because she outperformed me at yoga. It's not a competition. Daphne: You see. He's already mastered the teachings. Spiritually, you're way ahead of me. Niles: Stop it! Frasier, wasn't that your Patient X that was leaving with Dad? Frasier: Ah, yes, now my ex-Patient X. Actually, I'd like to discuss it with you if you've got a few minutes. Niles: Yes, well, coincidentally, I just read a fascinating paper on early termination. Now, the hypothesis was... Daphne: I think I'll get something to eat. Niles: Oh, you have something here. Daphne: Something else. Niles: Oh, well, here, try mine. Daphne: Please, just let me go. [She quickly leaves the table.] Niles: So, so whose decision was it to terminate your sessions? Frasier: Kenny. Niles: Well, uh, early individuation can stem from anything from transference to delayed adolescent rebellion. Frasier: If only it were that complicated, Niles. Niles: What happened? Frasier: Well, it's Dad. He's been taking Kenny to McGinty's every night. He's giving him therapy in the form of beer and fun. Niles: Poor Kenny! Frasier: I know! I've got to do something. I-I-I can't just stand by while Dad undermines me. Niles: Oh, just be careful not to turn this into a competition. As analysts, we have to be above that. Roz: [who has been speaking at the counter to Daphne] Hey, Niles! I hear Daphne kicked your ass at yoga. Niles: [nyah-nyah] Oh, yeah? Well, Frasier just lost a patient. [Niles is immediately embarassed. Frasier is mildly irritated, but shakes it off and drinks his coffee. Fade out.] [Scene 6 - Niles and Daphne's apartment They and Ahmrit are all on mats in a prone position.] Ahmrit: Nice Bhujangasana, Daphne. And yours is very nice too, Niles. You're doing so much better this week. Niles: Thank you. I just did what you suggested, and imagined myself having the reptilian sinuousness of a lizard scuttling across the desert floor. Ahmrit: I thought I said rain forest. Niles: You did, but I don't like the damp. Ahmrit: [rising] This next move is a little trickier. I'll demonstrate on Daphne. First of all, bring up your knees like this. Now bring your arms back towards your ankles. Daphne: [collapsing with sudden pain] Ooh. I don't think I can do this one, it hurts. Ahmrit: Oh, don't push. You should be feeling discomfort, not pain. If you feel pain, ease yourself gently back towards discomfort. Niles: Is it something like this, Yogi? [Niles is performing the move perfectly, but his lips pursed. He is controlling himself with great effort. Daphne gasps.] Ahmrit: I'm impressed, Niles. You know, perhaps one day, you might be able to achieve upward bow--Urdhbadhanurasana. Niles: Oh, you mean this one? [Niles turns on his back and arches upward, supported by his hands and feet. His head is upside down. He executes it perfectly.] Ahmrit: [amazed] Yes! Niles: Oh, remind me to tell Rosa to vacuum the sisal. Ahmrit: I'm speechless, Niles. I've never seen such a rapid improvement. Daphne: How did you do that? Oh, I think I tweaked a muscle on that last pose. Niles: [still arched upward] Oh, no, we should put some ice on that. Daphne: [rising] Good idea. I guess we know who's better at yoga now. [She exits toward the kitchen.] Niles: Now, Daphne, there's no better. It's all about achieving oneness of body and spirit. [Ahmrit approaches to help Niles out of the pose. With Daphne gone, he feels safe to say the following to Ahmrit.] Niles: Okay, now I need you to take me to the hospital. [He painfully comes out of the pose.] Ahmrit: What? Niles: I broke my body. I dislocated my shoulder and...I think that one of my ribs has achieved two-ness. [Ahmrit helps Niles to his feet. Daphne re-enters.] Daphne: What's going on? Niles: [leaning on Ahmrit and concealing his pain] Ahmrit and I were just going to go out and get a chai tea. Can we get you one? Daphne: [going up the stairs] No thanks. You're amazing. You have so much energy. Niles: Ah, well...you know what they say. [waiting for her to leave] Quickly, quickly... Ahmrit: Just imagine the pain leaving your body like a wisp of smoke. Niles: Yes, if you could get the door, I'm starting to hemorrhage. Ahmrit: Okay. [He helps Niles exit, and closes the door. Niles thanks him with a gesture. Fade out.] McGINTY'S: GOOD FOOD, GOOD FUN, BAD SECURITY [Scene 7 - McGinty's Bar Kenny and Martin are seated at a table. Frasier enters and appoaches. Kenny is wearing a suede jacket.] Martin: Hey! What are you doing her, Fras? Frasier: Just thought maybe the three of us could have a little chat. [A blonde approaches Kenny and he rises, placing his arm around her.] Kenny: Hey, Doc. This is Trudy. Frasier: Ah. Delighted I'm sure. Trudy: [drunkenly] Hey! Kenny: I'd love to stay and chat, Doc, but me and Trudy have a dinner date with the Colonel. [Trudy continues to hang on him.] Frasier: Well, if you think you're ready for that. Kenny: Well, I'm not hungry now, but I probably will be when we get there. See you guys later. Martin: Bye. Trudy: Nice to meet 'ya. Frasier: Likewise, I'm sure. [as they exit] Have a great time! [Kenny gestures happily back to Frasier.] He's doomed. [He takes a seat.] Martin: What are you talking about? He scored, and she's a cheap date. Frasier: Oh, Dad, please, he is not ready for a relationship. How could you let him do something like this? Martin: Don't blame me for that, it was the jacket. He wasn't here ten minutes before she wanted to touch it. Frasier: You know what, all you're doing is allowing him to wallow in his state of denial. And what if she rejects him, hmm? The man already has abandonment issues. Martin: Oh, will you cut out the psychological mumbo-jumbo? Let the guy have a good time. Frasier: What did you just say? Martin: I said let the guy have some fun. Frasier: No, before that. You said "psychological mumbo-jumbo." So that's how you characterize my life's work? Martin: I'm just saying that I don't think therapy is for everybody. Like Kenny--he just needed to loosen up. Frasier: [angrily] Oh, really? So tell me, Dr. Party-Hearty-Marty. Who, in your expert opinion does need therapy? Martin: [thinking] Well...Hitler. Frasier: [deeply shocked and taken aback] Hitler? Martin: Yes, and that woman with all the different personalities, um... Sybil. Frasier: [scowling] Hitler. And Sybil. Anyone else? Martin: [thinking] No. Frasier: [jumping back suddenly] Great! An entire science devoted to Hitler and Sybil. Do you believe that...that Niles and I have been wasting our lives? [becoming passionate] Do you think Mom wasted her life? Martin: Now, you calm down, Frasier. I'm just saying that you overcomplicate things. Yes, Kenny needed to talk out some problems, but he didn't need to analyze every moment of his childhood. That's where it gets into the mumbo-jumbo. Frasier: I'm just trying to get to the root of his problems. Martin: You know what, I think you needed to give therapy more than he needed to get it. Frasier: And you know what I think? I think I'm finished listening to you! [He rises and quickly sits again.] All right, fine, maybe I did enjoy it. Look, it's what I was trained to do, it's what I love to do, and I still think I was doing Kenny some good. Martin: Well, Frasier, you know, Kenny's not the only one with mental problems. Frasier: And what's that supposed to mean? Martin: It means you can start seeing other patients. Frasier: [realizing that he was offended too easily] Oh, right, right. Well, I've thought about that. Martin: Why not, if you love it? Frasier: You know, perhaps I could start seeing people a couple of nights a week. I could even convert Daphne's old room into an office. Martin: Well, if you do, while they're waiting, they're watching what I want to watch. [Kenny re-enters, looking depressed.] Kenny: Hey, guys. Martin: Kenny! What happened? Frasier: Are you all right? Kenny: I don't think Trudy and I are a fit. When we got to the parking lot, her boyfriend pushed me down and took my jacket. Martin: Aw, I'm sorry. Kenny: I feel like such a loser. Martin: No, you're not a loser. And if you need to talk about this-- Frasier's pretty good at this sort of thing. Frasier: Well, Kenny, I'll tell you what. Whenever you're ready, okay? For the time being, why don't you let a couple of buddies get you a beer, okay? [He raises his hand to call a server.] Kenny: Thanks. You know it's too bad that Trudy was just setting me up to get mugged because up to that point, we were really cooking. Well, here's to dating! [Kenny downs his beer. Frasier and Martin roll their eyes at each other. Fade out.] [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier is sitting on the couch. Martin enters from the rear, carrying his old suede jacket. He admires it for a minute, and then he attempts to put it on. After a great struggle, he manages to get his arms through the sleeves. It is much too small, and he cannot pull it shut. He struggles unsuccessfully with the bottom buttons, and manages only to button the top button, leaving the rest open. He walks to the door and asks Frasier to give his opinion. Frasier, who has been deeply engrossed in a book, looks up, glances briefly, gives a thumbs-up sign, and returns to his book. Martin returns the gesture and exits.

Plan: A: Kenny's divorce; Q: What has been made final? A: Kenny; Q: Who is feeling depressed? A: Frasier; Q: Who suggests Kenny seek professional help? A: private practice; Q: What does Kenny return to? A: one evening; Q: How long did it take for Kenny to feel better? A: Martin, Kenny; Q: Who does Kenny go out drinking with? A: the therapy; Q: What does Kenny want to give up? A: yoga; Q: What have Niles and Daphne started? A: his wife; Q: Who is outperforming Niles? Summary: Kenny's divorce has been made final, and he is feeling depressed. Frasier suggests he seek professional help, and is eventually persuaded to take on the job himself. He actually finds it thrilling to return to private practice. However, after one evening out drinking at McGinty's with Martin, Kenny is already feeling better and wants to give up the therapy, much to Frasier's dismay. Meanwhile, Niles and Daphne have started yoga , and Niles is somewhat dispirited to discover that his wife is "outperforming him".

Jan: Are you listening to me Michael? Michael: Affirmative. Jan: What did I just say? Michael: You just said, let me uh... check my notes. You just said... Jan: Alan and I have created an incentive program to increase sales. Michael: Hey, hey how is Alan? Tell Alan that the Mets suck! Okay? From me, big time. Go Pirates! Jan: I'm not going to do that Michael. Michael: Okay Jan: We've created an incentive program to increase sales. Michael: Uh, huh. Jan: At the end of the month you can reward your top seller with a prize worth up to a thousand dollars. Michael: Whoa. Howdy-ho. Wow, a thousand big ones. That's cool. Do I uh, do I get to pick the prize? Jan: Uh, yes. Yes you can. Michael: Um, question: Does top salesman include uh, people who were at one time such outstanding salesman that've been promoted to... Jan: No, Michael. No. You can't win this prize. Michael: I didn't mean me! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Well, first what we have to do is find out what motivates people more than anything else. Dwight: s*x. Michael: It's illegal. Can't do that. Next best thing. Dwight: Torture. Michael: Tah, come on Dwight. Just help me out here. That's just stupid. Pam: Uh, Michael? Michael: Pam! Pam: Hey, there's a... Michael: Burger with cheese! Pam: There's a person here... Michael: And fries! Pam: There's... Michael: And shake! What? Go ahead. Pam: There's a person here who wants to sell handbags. Michael: No, no, no. No vendors in the office. That is a distraction. Pam: Okay, I told her you'd talk to her. Michael: Pam. Pam. Come on, I'm busy. So just tell her to go away. Pam: Okay. Michael: [exhales loudly, looks out window and sees Katy] Oooh, alright I'll talk to her. [SCENE_BREAK] Katy: This one is hand embroidered. Michael: All right girls break it up, you're being infiltrated. Cock in the henhouse. Dwight: Cocks in the henhouse. Michael: Don't say cocks. Oh, what is your name, my fair lass? Katy: Katy. Michael: Ah, Katy. Wow. Look at you. You are, uh you're like the new and improved Pam. Pam 6.0. [Pam looks embarassed at Michael - Katy looks sympathetically at Pam] Michael: Oh, look. Oh hey, no catfights you two. I'm against violence in the workplace. Dwight: So am I. Michael: Nobody cares what you think. Dwight: Doesn't matter. Michael: So uh, you know what? I usually don't allow solicitors in the office but today I am going to break some rules, and you can have the conference room. It's yours. All day. Katy: Wow, thanks. Pam: There's an HR meeting in there at 11:30. Michael: Well, lets put 'em in the hallway. Give 'em some chairs. Right? Decisiveness. One of the keys to success according to Small Businessman. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I do. I read Small Business man. I also uh, subscribe to USA Today and American Way Magazine, that's the in-flight magazine. Some great articles in that. They did this great profile last month of Doris Roberts and where she likes to eat when she's in Phoenix. Illuminating. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: This is my conference room. So please, uh, make yourself at home. Whatever you need, I'm right on the other side of this wall. [knocks on wall] used to be a window here. There's not anymore. So, that's where I will be. [Katy unpacks her handbags] Michael: So if you need anything else, something to make you more confortable just don't hesitate to ask. I'm right here. Katy: I guess a cup of coffee would be great. Michael: Wait a second. I should have spotted another addict. Uh, gotta love the 'bucks. Katy: What? Michael: It's like a slang for Starbucks. They're all over the place. Oh, man, that place is like the promised land to me. What a business model too. Ah, too bad we don't have the good stuff here. Katy: Regular coffee is fine. Michael: Nah, it's not. it's spppplllibbb Katy: No really it is. Michael: No, here's the thing. Y'know I do my best to be my own man and go by the beat of a different drummer and nobody gets me, and they're always putting up walls and I'm always tearing 'em down, just breakin' down barriers, that's what I do all day. So a coffee, regular coffee for you. High test, or unleaded? Katy: Bring it on. Michael: Oh. Woo, I will. I will bring it on. Ah, all right. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: So are you jealous 'cause there's another girl around? Pam: No. Kevin: She's prettier than you though. Pam: That's a very rude thing to say, Kevin. Kevin: [nods] [SCENE_BREAK] Katy: So do you like the periwinkle and the purples? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: The purse girl hits everything on my checklist. Creamy skin. Straight teeth. Curly hair. Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [handing Katy a mug of coffee] There ya go. Nice steaming cup o'joe. Katy: Thank you. Michael: I have an idea. Why don't I introduce you around, you know you can kind of get your foot in the door, meet potential clientele, right? Katy: Gosh, I would love to but, my purses, I should, um... Michael: Oh, um, well, we could have Ryan take a look. Ryan, would you look after the purses, please? Ryan: I'm installing File Share on all the computers. Michael: Yeah, well, bladdy-bluda-blah-blah. Techno-babble. Just do it, okay. We have company. Right? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: You should sell a lot here because this branch made over a million dollars last year. Not that we're all millionaires. I'm probably closest. So here's Oscar. Oscar, this is Katy. Oscar: I'm on the phone. Michael: Oooh-ooh. Oscar the grouch. Right? I thought of that. Katy: That was on Sesame Street. Michael: I know. I know. I made the connection. Can you believe he'd never heard that before he worked here? Katy: No, I don't believe that. Michael: I know, it's unbelievable. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: It's nice having Katy around. It's another person for Michael to um, interact with. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Here is Toby from Human Resources. Katy, Toby. Katy: Hi Toby: Hi, nice to meet you. Michael: Toby, Katy. Toby: Hey, um did you go to uh, Bishop O'Hara? Katy: Yeah. Toby: Yeah, me too. Katy: Cool. What year were you there? Toby: Eighty-nine. Michael: Toby's divorced. He uh, guh recently, right? Toby: Yeah. Michael: You and your wife, and you have kids. Toby: A girl. Michael: Oh that so - that was really messy. He slept one night in your car too? Toby: [looks resigned] Katy: I should probably get back to my table. Michael: Okay. Alright. Cool. See ya in a bit. [looks at picture on Toby's desk] Oh, she's cute. Cutie-pie. Back to work. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I live by one rule. No office romances. No way. Very messy. Inappropriate. No. But, I live by another rule: Just do it. Nike. [SCENE_BREAK] Roy: Hey, Jimmy what do you think of that little purse girl, huh? Jim: Cute, sure, yeah. Roy: Why don't you get on that? Jim: She's not really my type. Roy: What are you gay? Jim: Hmmm, I don't think so. Nope. Kevin: What is your type? Jim: [glances at Pam] Moms, primarily. Yep. Soccer moms. Single moms. NASCAR moms. Any type of moms, really. Roy: That's disgusting. Kevin: Stay away from my mom. Jim: Too late, Kev. Roy: [Katy walks through breakroom] Man, I would be all over that if I wasn't dating Pam. Pam: We're not dating, we're engaged. Roy: Engaged, yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Pam and I are good buddies. I'm sort of Pam's go-to guy for her problems. You know with stuff like work, or uh, her fiance Roy. Or uh... Nope, those are pretty much her only two problems. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: She'd be perfect for you. Dwight: Hmmm... she's been talking to Michael a lot. Jim: So, what? You're Assistant Regional Manager. Dwight: Assistant to the Regional Manager. Jim: Well, you know what Dwight? He's your work boss, okay? He is not your relationship boss. Dwight: That's true. Jim: Plus you have so much more to talk to this girl about, You're both um, salesmen. I mean that's something right there. Dwight: True. Plus I can talk to her about the origins of my last name. Jim: It's all gold. [SCENE_BREAK] Katy: Guys are usually my best customers, they buy the high end stuff like the beads and the sequins and stuff. For gifts, you know? They don't know what they are looking at. So I make suggestions. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Alright. Here's the thing okay, you just keep talking to her. If you hit a stall you have a perfect fall back. Dwight: What's that? Jim: You buy a purse. Dwight: I don't want a purse. Purses are for girls. Jim: Dwight, that's not necessarily true. Do you read GQ? Dwight: No. Jim: Okay, I do. There like mini briefcases, alright? Lots of guys have them. Dwight: Like those? Jim: Yes. Listen, you are spending way too much time talking to me, when you could be talking to her. Dwight: Okay, I'm just going to use the bathroom, and then I'm going... Jim: No. You don't need the bathroom. You've got it. Go. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Okay, shhhh stop... stop whatever you're doing because this is going to be good. Pam: [smiles] Jim: [mimicing Dwight in high-falsetto voice] Hi my name's Dwight Schrute and I would like to buy a purse from you. Good lord, look at these purses! This is something special. Oh my God is this Salvatore Di-chini-asta? Pam: [mimicing Katy] Oh definitely, definitely step in and out of it like that. Jim: Yes, well I want to stress test it. You know, in case anything happens. Pam: Oh! Jim: Oh! That was really. [Dwight hits purse against table] This is necessary to do to really give it a good workout. This is the ooooh... This is the prettiest one of all. Pam: Oh... Jim: I'm going to be the prettiest girl in the ball. Oh, how much? Pam: Oh, God. It's sad. It's so sad. Jim: [whispering] Here he comes, shhh... Jim: [gives Dwight a thumbs-up - mouths the word] Good. Pam: [smiles in agreement] Jim: He did pick a good one. Pam: You're horrible. [SCENE_BREAK] Katy: This one's really good for a hot date. Pam: Yeah, what's that? Katy: [laughs] Pam: I'm engaged. So... Katy: Congratulations. You need a hot date more than anyone. Pam: I wished, right? Michael: Giggle-giggle, juji-juji, I get it, I get it. Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood over here right? [to Katy] So how's that uh, coffee from earlier? Katy: Good. Michael: Ah, I knew it. Guzzled it down. You greedy little thing. So, uh, Pam is this your lunch break, or was that earlier when you were eating in the kitchen with those guys? [Pam sheepishly hands Katy the purse and leaves] Katy: [whispers] Sorry. Michael: Busted. Katy: [to Pam] Come back... Michael: Oh hey, I want to show you something. Come here I want to show you something. I know you are going to like this. Picked it up today. A thousand big ones. Katy: Is that from Starbucks? Michael: Yes. This is a Starbucks digital barista. This is the mack daddy of espresso makers. Katy: Wow. Is that for the office? Michael: Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're not prying this out of my hands, but don't tempt me because I'll give it to you! Katy: I wouldn't think of it. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Coffee is the great incentivizer in the office. It's a drug. It is quite literally a drug that speeds people up. It's not the only drug that speeds people up. You hear stories about Dunder Mifflin in the eighties before everybody knew how bad cocaine was. Guh. Man, did they move paper! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [Katy reading text message on her phone] Oh the rotating um, steam wand. [Katy looks annoyed] What? What's the matter? Katy: Oh, nothing. My ride just bailed on me. Michael: Oh, oh! God. I'm sorry. Is there...? Katy: Oh no, it's um... Michael: Where you going? Nearby? Because I can give you a ride. Katy: No... Michael: Seriously. No, really. Katy: No. I really don't want to inconvenience you. Michael: God! No, no, no, no. No inconvenience. I mean I'm out of here at five sharp. Katy: At five? Michael: I can go earlier. 'Cause I'm the boss. You know, whatever. I'm out of here slaves. Katy: Okay. Michael: What? Katy: Okay, I guess that would be, I guess that would be okay. Michael: Okay. Sounds good. Sounds good. Five o'clock sharp. I will give you and your purses a ride home. Katy: Okay. Cool. Michael: Excellent. Katy: Cool. Michael: Great. Cool. Cool. [takes deep breath - looks at camera] Yeah, okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I should have never let the Temp touch this thing. I had all these great icons and now I have four folders. So.. Dwight: It's actually better this way. Michael: No it's not. Because I could just click on the icon and then I'm onto--- Dwight: Michael could I ask you something? I wanted to ask your permission to ask out Katy. I know it's against the rules and everything. Because... Michael: No, no, no it's not against the rules. She's not a permanent employee so it's not. Dwight: Thank you, Michael. I appreciate this so much. Michael: But I think you should just know that I am going to be giving her a ride home later. Dwight: What? Michael: She asked me for a ride and so I am going to give her a ride home. Dwight: Is that all it is? Just a ride home? Like a taxicab? Michael: Well, might be a ride home. Might be a ride home and we stop for coffee and dot-dot-dot... Dwight: Please. Please, I am your inferior and I'm asking you this favor. Can you promise me that it will just be a ride home? Michael: No. I cannot promise you that. Dwight: You cannot promise me, or you won't promise me? Michael: Listen, Dwight. Dwight: Do you love her? Michael: [laughs] Dwight, no. I don't know. It's too early to tell. I don't know how I feel. [Dwight sadly looks away] [SCENE_BREAK] Katy: I think you've made a really good choice, she's really going to like that. Stanley: Hmmm... Michael: Espresso? Katy: Oh, thank you. Michael: You're welcome. Thank you. Hmmm-hmm-hmm. Stanley: Is that from the machine that was in your office? Michael: Ummm-hmmm... Stanley: I thought that was the incentive prize for the top salesperson. Michael: Very easy to clean. [Stanley walks out] Michael: Okay. Like he's going to win anyway, right? [laughs] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Did we get any mail? Pam: Yeah, I gave it to you. Michael: Yes you did. Yes, you did. Just checkin'. Just checkin', double checkin', checkin' on the check. Thoroughness is very important in an office and... Pam: So, can I..? [points to the door] Michael: Yeah, yeah, of course. Uh, Pam, one more thing. Um, how do girls your age feel about futons? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: A futon? Pam: [nods] Jim: He's a grown man Pam: That's what he said. Jim: That's sad. Or it's innovative. Well, you know the futon is a bed and couch all rolled into one. [Jim sees Roy and trails off] Roy: What's up? Pam: [not looking at Roy] Hi. Roy: Are you still mad at me? Pam: Roy... Roy: Come on [begins to tickle Pam] Pam: Cut it out. Roy: Come on, you mad at me? Pam: Stop it. [laughing] Roy: Are you still mad at me now? Pam: [giggling] Cut it out. Roy: Are you mad at me now? Pam: Stop. [giggling] Roy: Huh? huh? Come on... Come on, Pammy I was just kidding. Pam: [breathless] Stop, I can't breathe. Roy: I was just kidding. You know I didn't mean it. I can't... [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Jim is a great guy. He's like a brother to me. We're like best friends in the office and I really hope he finds someone. [SCENE_BREAK] Katy: You seem to like to touch things. Did you try the velvet? Angela: I don't like to necessarily touch things. I'm just... I'm shopping. Katy: Oh no, it's fine that you, um. Here, what about the raspberry one? It's really uh, kind of festive. It's got a lot of personality. Angela: Yeah, uh no. Dwight: Hey, how's it going? Good. Can I talk to you for a second? In private? Katy: I don't think so I'm really busy. Dwight: It will just take a second. Katy: I can't. Dwight: Just for a minute. Katy: I really can't. Dwight: Please? I wanted to talk to you in private because I wanted to ask you out on a date. Katy: No. Dwight: Ok was that no to talking to me in private, or was that no to the date? Katy: Both. [Dejected, Dwight walks out slowly] Katy: What colors do you like? Angela: Gray. Dark Gray. Charcoal. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Ryan. Ryan: Yeah. Michael: Would you like to help me with a special project? Ryan: I would love to. Michael: Alright. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [in Michael's car] Okay, just throw out all the empties. Ryan: You don't want to recycle them? Michael: Um, yes. Throw them away in the recycling bin. Ryan: Do you want this? [holding a full bottle of water] Michael: No. Ryan: What about this bottle of power drink? Michael: Uh, what flavor? Ryan: Blue. Michael: Blue's not a flavor. Ryan: It says flavor: Blue Blast. Michael: Oh, Blue Blast. Yes, put that in the trunk, and there should be an unopened Arctic Chill back there. I want that in the passengers cupholder. Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hi. Katy: Hi. Jim: I'm Jim, by the way. Katy: I'm Katy. Jim: Hi Katy, nice to meet you. Katy: You sit out there, don't you? Jim: I do. That's what I'm best known for. Sitting out there. Alright, let's talk about purses. Katy: Okay, um... Jim: Katy but you know what, don't try to sell me one. Okay, seriously 'cause I'm just here to learn. Katy: Okay. [laughs] Jim: Okay, so I know about most of these, but you know you can... Katy: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: What, stop! Whoa! That's my Drakkar Noir. Ryan: No, this is Rite Aid Night Swept. Michael: No, it is a perfect smell-alike. I'm not paying for the label. Right here. Give it. Ryan: Well, it's empty. Michael: Not it's not, there's some in the straw. [Michael opens bottle and wipes straw along his neck] There, now you may throw it out. Ryan: Wow. How many filet-o-fishes did you eat? Michael: That's over several months, Ryan. Ryan: [Under his breath] Still. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: What's up? Pam: I'm bored. Jim: Thank you for choosing me. Pam: No, I'm kidding. Um, so you got big plans this weekend? Jim: Ah, well I think I'm gonna see Katy. Pam: Really? Jim: Yeah. Pam: What are you guys going to do? Jim: Oh, man I don't know. Uh, dinner, drinks, movie, matching tattoos. Pam: That's great. Jim: And stuff... yeah. Pam: That's cool. Jim: What are you doing? Pam: I, I was gonna say, I think that um, we're gonna help Roy's cousin move. Jim: Okay. Pam: 'Cause Roy's got a truck. Jim: That's cool. Pam: Uh, huh. Yes. Jim: That is cool. Well, I'll see you Monday though, right? Pam: Great. Jim: Okay. Pam: Okay, I'm gonna head back. Jim: Alright. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I think in order to be a ladies man, it's imperative that people don't know you're a ladies man, so I kind of play that close to the chest. I don't know, what can I say? Women are attracted to power. And I think other people have told me that I have a very symmetrical face. [laughs] I don't know. I don't know. Maybe they're right? I don't know. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Sure you don't want me to help you with that? Cause I can grab that no problem. Katy: Goodnight, it was nice nice to meet some of you. Michael: See you later. Goodnight. Goodnight, Jim. Jim: Goodnight, Michael. Michael: Where you going? Jim: I don't know. Grab a drink, I think? Michael: With us? Katy: I uh, I probably should have told you, I don't need a ride now 'cause Jim can take me home after so you're off the hook. Michael: Okay. Great. Off the hook. Excellent. Okay, cool. Jim: I got this. [taking Katy's bag from Michael] Michael: Alright, have fun. Katy: Thanks. Jim: I got it. Michael: Don't drink and drive. Michael: Take it easy. Jim: Have a good night. Michael: You too, have a good night. Katy: You got that? Jim: Oh, yeah. You sold a lot, so it's lighter. Katy: Good. Here. Squeeze it inside. Jim: Alright now, I'm gonna warn you. Don't freak out, okay? Katy: Why? Jim: This is a really nice car. In case you haven't noticed, this is a Corolla. Okay. Katy: It's a... it's a very nice car. Jim: You're not going to freak out? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Do I have a special someone? Uh well, yeah of course. A bunch of 'em. My employees. If I had to choose between a one-night-stand with some stupid cow I pick-up in a bar, and these people? I'd pick them every time. Because with them, it is an everyday stand and I still know their names in the morning.

Plan: A: an attractive purse saleswoman; Q: What is Katy's occupation? A: Katy; Q: Who does Michael try to impress? A: Amy Adams; Q: Who played Katy? A: Michael and Dwight; Q: Who openly vie for Katy's attention? A: the corporate office; Q: Who allocates $1,000 as a prize for the top office salesman? A: an espresso machine; Q: What does Michael spend the $1,000 on? A: Jim; Q: Who does Katy leave with? Summary: When an attractive purse saleswoman named Katy ( Amy Adams ) comes to the office, Michael and Dwight openly vie for her attention. Meanwhile, the corporate office allocates $1,000 as a prize for the top office salesman, but Michael spends the money on an espresso machine, trying to impress Katy. However, in the end she leaves with Jim, devastating both Michael and Dwight.

[LA. Everybody is packing some stuff since Rage isn't gonna shoot. A crashed Justin packs also his draws.] [Cut to Babylon. Brian and Ted enters the empty club.] Ted: It all see come to be together. No obliges what I can see, everything looks good. All we need is to resigned, and the club transfered to the name Kinnetic Inc. and you got some insurance if someone got sue you. I'm sure the join are all yours. Brian: Theodore, you are admirable. Ted: All I say is say was go buy a new toy. But this isn't exactly the toy I had in mind. Brian: Hey, it's just a box of appropriate boys of age 19 to 40s, so stop being the mother. I can afford it. [They are going to the other side and we're cutless going to another empty room. But this time it's Michael and Ben, who were looking for some place.] Michael: Are you sure we can afford it? Ben: We did the maths a dotzen times even without the movie we've been having an income. Plus the money we've saved... Michael: I just need some resurrance. [Ben leans forward and kisses Michael.] Ben: How's that? Michael: Um, I already thinking of colors game. [Cut to Babylon in the backroom.] Brian: All the backroom need is a fresh smell of black painting and a condom dispenser. [Cut back to Michael and Brian. They're enter another room.] Michael: What about pink walls and a sky blue sealing in white fluffy clowds for the babies room? [And return to the backroom of Babylon.] Ted: Uh, it's amazing how a few changes can turn an entire old room into a fresh enviting space. [Cut back to the babies room.] Ben: Or we can brough paper, remember how Marty and Iliah have their kidsroom paper with Disney characters. [Babylon backroom.] Brian: And get a cleaning crew and jack-off the drive cum from the floor. Ted: Yeah, it's probably yours. [Cut to Ben and Michael. They're walking down the stairs.] Michael: Wow, which all this space we're won't talk much to each other. Ben: Unless we choose to be. [Ted and Brian also walking down the stairs.] Brian: I want to re-open by friday. Ted: Friday? THIS friday!? But that's impossible. Brian: But you've said everything is there when they're closed and we're loosing money. Ted: Yeah, but we still need to hire a bartender, go-go boys and a manager. Brian: Well, better line them up. [Ben and Michael open another empty room.] Michael: There is so much to do. Ben: Well they used 500 years to built Notre Dam. Michael: Is this suppose to encouraging? Ben: We're making a home together, who cares how long it takes? [Liberty Diner. Emmett talk with his cell phone.] Emmett: Is there a problem with the change color? And the napkins. And the flowers... [Michael and Ted are looking at Em.] Emmett: And the menu... I don't know, we can change the groom. OK. [he hangs up.] Michael: Who's that? Emmett: Huh, a wedding an Alien with a predator. The groom is the producer of the Chanel 4 six clock news. The big news is when I'm survive. The bride is a drama queen and she's convinced that this will be a desaster... and believe me if she doesn't get off my ass they're maybe. Ted: It can't be worse than Mel and Lindsay anniversuary surprise. Michael: No sh1t. Emmett: No, honey, you can't yourself let go. [Deb screams in the backroom.] Debbie: I can't your f*cking pants on and I take your order as fast as I can! Emmett: Of course I realise that never been possible. [Deb serves their orders.] Deb: Hey boys. I'm making Cheeseburger for Michael, bon-pie for Em and a TLB for Teddy. All the bacon are breath meal. Michael: You try to keep in shape for your new boyfriend? Emmett: He's adorable. Ted: Yeah, he's history. He jack's off the fotos of Jack Kennedy. He said he's nothing in mind if I gain a few pounds. That's why he was in love with me. A fat old man turn him on. Emmett: Teddy, you're not fat. [Ted looks to Em.] Well, not that fat. Michael: And your certainly not old. [A half naked guy comes to their table.] Man: Excuse me, sir! SIR! [Ted looks at him.] Man: Babylon re-opens friday night. [to Em and Michael] See you guys. [he leaves the table.] Ted: He called me sir. He spoke loudly, so I could hear. Michael: I thoughed Babylon is belly up. Emmett: You mean, you didn't know? Tell him, Teddy. [Brian appear and sits beside Michael.] Brian: I resetated with my mouth on it. Michael: so that's how you suppose to spend your income? You should brough a house. Brian: Some of us queers need dancing and f*cking to kiddies and and picked fances. Emmett: Well, poppers is no house receipt. Brian: Friday night poppers is back to be the pisshole how it was. [At Mel and Linds. Michael is here with a present. A plush bear with Michaels voice. It says, "Hi, JR. You're daddy loves you."] Michael: There is a new place in the mall. They design a bear of yourself and pick up their outfits and recorded your voices. Lindsay: [to carry Jenny] It's adorable. Mel: Precious. Lindsay: You have to forgive Mel, she's been up all night with JR. Mel: She has collics for 4 hours straight. Michael: Look, I want to be apologize for getting so heated the other night. There was a shock, that's all. I wasn't expecting... Lindsay: We know. No-one was. Michael: Although when I remember all the time I stop by one of you was always out or work or taking a nap... Anyway sorry. Mel: You've said that. Michael: I mean after all that time you to together... Mel: Thank you very much, we're sorry to, but if you don't mind I don't discuss with you our married problems. Michael: The important thing is we need to decide how we gonna take care of our child. Mel: OUR child!? Michael: How much time she'll spend with you and with Linds and Ben and me. We're buying a new house. Mel: How much time she spend with you is none! Lindsay: Melanie please, would you lower your voice? I'm sure we can handle this without screaming. Mel: Who's screaming? I'm making a point. Michael: We had an agreement, that I'll be a part of our daughters live. Mel: Yeah, which no time is included the custody. That never discussed. Michael: That's how we made it, your two together, a couple, a family. No all that changed, now you're not. Mel: Why? I'm still her mother. Lindsay: So am I. Michael: And I'm her father. Lindsay: No one's denying that. Michael: She is! She's saying that I have no rights. Mel: No, I'm saying you may be her father, her biological father, but Lindsay and I were still her parents. That hasn't changed. Now, if you'll excuse me - MY daughter needs to be feed. [Emmett at his horror job - a very difficult lady and the producer of the News. They discuss the wedding day.] Emmett: OK, the bible and a toast with a glass of Chateu 1991... Lila: Make that 1990. Emmett: 1990. Well a voilin quartett plays a medley of your favourite Elton John songs... Lila: I decided to go with "Eine kleine Nachtmusik". Emmett: As well, I will tell the men... Now, when the wedding march begins, you're keeping on wedding march? Of course, you enter from over there [he points at the left side] Lila: Why not over here? Emmett: You enter from over here, holding a spray of lillies... Lila: I thinking out of white roses and a babies breath. Emmett: OK, then you proceed through the palor... Lila: Um, when if it rains? Don: I already ask Johnny, no rain. Lila: Your weatherman couldn't see a hurricane if it blowing down the markets street. Don: I go back to station. I got work to do. Lila: Work? Squire your work! We're having a wedding! Emmett: No, no, don't you worry. I'm gonna have a little talk to God. And there is no way He's gonna let anything rain on your parade. Lila: Uh, the ladies room! We're haven't decide the colour of the toilet issue... mint, oh no... [she's walking away.] Don: I wish you could see Lila under less stressful conditions. She's driving me nuts but I love her. Emmett: Well, of course you do. That it's what all about. Don: You know, I had it to and I don't know how you're do it. Emmett: One of the reasons we're queer guys around. Help you boys straight people straight live. [LA. Justin at Brett Keller. He's leaving and his man is packing his stuff.] Brett: Drew, make sure you pack my swim suits and t-shirts. It's some hot in Australia. Drew: Yes, sir. Brett: Anyway, they're fired him. Three days end of the production. First time director huge production, he couldn't handle it. Also hear, he and Orlando Bloom did not get along. [to his head-set] Oh, Blair, I want that trainer in my hotel every morning at 5 am. Well, call the producer and f*cking demand it. Justin: How long you've be goin? Brett: Well, it's a six months shoot from the planing. Where the hell is my ambian? A 18 hour flight it's the only way of live. Listen, I don't throw you out or anything but I figured while I was gone it was a good time to do some work at the house and redecorate. But please feel free to stay if a couple of days till you got something else. Justin: Thanks. Brett: Even I live at the other side of world I haven't lost my passion for Rage. My developing people make shopping around, the gay crusaders is too powerful for defeaded by some asshole who can't see at the box office, right? [Michael and Ben at Ben's home.] Michael: I can't get it how she talk to me. Ben: But you're the father. Michael: But I'm not the parent, well as far as Melanie concerned. Ben: Oh, that's bullshit, you're be as much a parent than she is. Michael: She hurt her. She's screaming so loud she woke up the baby. I know we can provide JR more than they can. Ben: I'm sure you're right. But the one think we must think to do not over-react, stay calm and rush enable.. Michael: Nobody keeps telling me that! Right, I'll be calm and rush enable. There is no way I'm giving up my kid. [Babylon. Ted give a call to the work mens.] Ted: Finish those lights and open the doors. Could you move those cartoons behind the bar? bartender: Yes, sir. Ted: And don't call me sir! Emmett: Hey baby. Ready to shake our bodies? Ted: Emmett, I don't figured to see you here. I though you're to busy with the wedding plane. Emmett: Well, I'm never to busy on opening night. Alonso: Ready in 2 minutes. Emmett: Ted, what we have over here? Ted: Uh, Emmett, this is Alonso. This is Emmett. Alonso is the new club manager. Emmett: And may I say this is only one improvement to the formerly one. Brian: Well, this is much fun at the toys, just right the director said. Emmett: I can't afford that and I can live only what god gave me. Alsonso: OK boys, take your places. Let's bring the lights down. Ted: And we're back in business. Brian: One think I'm missing. [he give a call and the music begins.] OK boys and now... Ted and Emmett: It's showtime! [But instead a large group of horny, gay men only a few, mostly older guys come through the door.] Brian: What in the f*ck... Ted: Don't worry, it's still early. [to Emmett] Where are the boys? Emmett: It's short night at Poppers. All the hooker is over there. I think I'll go over and check it out. [In a club in LA. Justin looking forwards and recognize a familiar face. It's the actor Shawn.] Justin: Shawn! Shawn: Hey, I didn't think you're still in town. [to his newest trick] This is Justin and so is this. Justin: Seems that no shortage of it in Hollywood. Shawn: [to the trick Justin] Can you get me another drink? Justin: He's cute. Shawn: If you like the type. It really sucks about Rage, isn't it? Justin: Yeah, it really sucks. Shawn: I swear that here's not integrity in town. Justin: I thoughed you go back to New York to theater. Shawn: I wouldn't be a heartbreak when I work with Bruckheimer. So, where's our genius director? Justin: He left yesterday for Australia. Shawn: I heard he make this remake about Manthra? Well, there isn't a Brett Keller film unless something rise. Justin: He still planing on doin' Rage though. His people are shopping by the other studios when it's turn about. Shawn: Justin, turn around. Justin. Right, his lawyers make the rest. Shawn: Yeah, but in this business doin' everything that rising you from the death is marveless. Well, but sometimes it's over. It's over. [The other Justin have brough another drink. Shawn prosit to Justin and leave.] [Liberty Diner. A crushed Brian is siting at the bar.] Debbie: I hear you gave an orgy and nobody came. Brian: Oh, I love how you can stale and make it fresh. Could you do the same for this muffin? Debbie: What the f*ck's with you? Brian: Guess how many homos showed up last night for the re-opening to Babylon? Debbie: Wasn't yesterday not lightball night? Brian: Twelve. I count them. Twelve. 8 f*cking grand down the grave. I must do something quick or else it would be another re-opening night tonight and tomorrow night and the next night. Debbie: Sounds like a expensive blowjob. Brian: I wouldn't mind if even that. Debbie: But where they're all go? [Just as that 3 tricks are coming in and siting at the table.] Debbie: Where you're boys were all night? Trick#1: Poppers. Debbie: Poppers! That dumb of a club? Trick#2: Only club there is. [Debbie take the old muffin and throw at the three - and she's hit one boy.] Debbie: You all people should know, there's no figurable than a fag. [At Mel's home, formerly Mel and Lindsay's home. Mel just finished feeding JR. Lindsay rushes in.] Lindsay: Sorry I'm late. The women in front of me had a stack of coupons. Hey sweety. [she's welcome Gus] Gus: Hi mami. Lindsay: Did you have fun with mama? Gus: Yeah. Lindsay: Here's the meds. Mel: Thanks. Lindsay: OK baby boy, gather your toys it's time to go back. Gus: But I don't wanna go. Lindsay: Have you ever go through this all the time? Mel: It's ok, sweety. I'll see you tomorrow. You're mummy came to me,ok? Lindsay: How's JR? Mel: Up all night, screaming. Lindsay: Why didn't do take her? Mel: You can't be up all night and look after Gus like all day. Lindsay: You exhausted. Mel: Don't worry about me, ok? I can handle it. Lindsay: No-one say you couldn't. Mel: Then don't start. Lindsay: I'm not starting anything. Just wish we could... Mel: Make up? Lindsay: Get along. Mel: [looking at the mail] sh1t! Lindsay: What is it? Mel: That little fucker hired a lawyer. [Cut to Debbies house. Michael and Ben are carrying an old chair.] Michael: His name is Bobby Venet. Debbie: I heared he were married with Hugh Haffner. Michael: That's Bob Ventin. This is a though gay laywer. Ben: She picked the first adoption in Pennsylvenia for the surprime court and won. Michael: Yeah, she said as JR father I have rights and I should fight for them. Debbie: No! [to the chair] I don't like there. Ben: So, she's agreed to take our chase. Debbie: I'm glad to see your standing up for yourself. I'm sorry it had come to this. Michael: They don't leave me any choice. Ben: Is this the spot for the chair, Deb? Debbie: I found it in the garbage. But Carl needs a chair. [She's taking a blanket and wear it over the chair.] Debbie: There, that's better, huh? Ben: Oh yeah, much better. Michael: I'm not gonna let my daughter be raised by a couple of single mothers. Ben: When there's a loving stay home with their fathers. [Debbie hears it and gets angry.] Debbie: Single mothers? You just said, single mothers... you mean, like me? Michael: I wasn't telling about you, I wasn't even thinking about you. Debbie: Yeah, but someone was. But I was a single mother and guess what? Even without a father you still have enough sense to come out of the rain, sometimes. Michael: That was NOT what I were talking about! Christ sakes, you stop torpedoing? Debbie: Who's been torpedoing? Ben: No, all we've saying... Debbie: I know what you've said, I speak the language. But thank you very much. You think there were 2 of you would better raise a kid. But let me tell you two expert something. Not every one is fortunately to have a partner and enough money to stay home and raise their kids. Some of us had to work, night and day! Sometimes 2 shifts after the row until f*cking morning, so that their kids can have sneakers and jeans and walkman's and go to the movies just like all their friends. And while we're out there we just hoping and praying to god that they don't getting sick or get in trouble! But we had no choice. We can make whatever sacrifies to our kids happyness. So, when you two thing you can make it better? All I gotta say is... good for you! [SCENE_BREAK] [At the hairdresser. Ted is there and a queer barber is there.] Barber: I almost didn't recognize you since gain doll of weight! Ted: It's not that much. Barber: I wish I can gain weight like that. I try and I try and I eat and I eat but no matter what I do I can't keep it on. Ted: Pity... Barber: Chocolate? Ted: No, diet. Barber: Oh, and it's already working. You're hair is getting thinner. Ted: Look, whatever else is going on, I always had a healthy hair. Barber: Well, I hate to contradict, Mr.Schmidt, but the mirror has only one face and you're looking at it. [He takes a mirror and show it to Ted.] Ted: sh1t! I'm getting bald! What do I do? Whad do I do?! Barber: Well, there is a doubet day. [An 60-year-old guy is siting behind them and has heared the conversation.] Man: There is no use fighting it, sweetheart. I'm afraid age is the last trick on earth to fix that up. But after it f*cks us it doesn't leave. So when I were you I stop singing the title song from poor man and excepted it. Ted: Then what? Die? Man: Come to Palm Springs. Poor yourself a martini and google the mexican boys. Barber: Now, what shall we do with this? Some old, some bald? [We're at the "perfect wedding" day. A hyper nervous bride driving nuts.] Emmett: Oh, no matter what I do I'm getting wet in my eyes. Lila: What if everybody's getting sneezing? I told you, we should have an endow...! Emmett: Only sneezy are getting joy for the love of the pride. Lila: I should think we had left my hair down. My face looks too round, doesn't it? Emmett: It the perfect frame for the perfect picture. Don: You hear that honey? Lila: It's all an illusion. Does that rain clouds? Emmett: I think it's time for the wedding toast. Don: You need to relax. [A waiter brings them two cup of red wine.] Don: For my beautiful bride. From now on you're my moaning, special gift. Lila: Don, what a beautiful toast. [They toast each other and suddenly the red wine are over the white dress of the bride.] Lila: Oh, my god! Oh, my god! I told you something get wrong, didn't I told you that it would be a desaster?! My glove! Look at me! How can I go out there? I can't. It's ruined. Everything it's ruined. [She cries hysterical.] Emmett: Take it off. Lila: What!? Don: Take it off! [Emmett give her a trenchcoat and runs with the dress in the kitchen.] Emmett: I need a soup pod and two bottle of Beaudeur, please! Don: You want cook something now!? It's a hell of a time to make it two minutes before our wedding! [Emmett pours the two bottle in the pod. At the last he throw the dress in there.] Lila: WHAT THE f*ck ARE YOU DOING!? Emmett: Ssssh! [At Lindsay's flat. Brian is there and plays with Gus locomotive. Lindsay slams the refrigerator.] Lindsay: Just because I didn't care it doesn't mean I'm not a mother too. Brian: You see the chu-chu go around, sonnyboy? See it? Sure as fun. But after a while it could be a senseless, tragical desaster! [Just said the locomotive derails.] Brian: Oh my god. You see that? Lindsay: Brian, what are you doin''? Brian: I just teaching my son to have fun. Lindsay: I wish you would listening what I'm saying. Brian: Just because I didn't care it doesn't mean I'm not a mother too? Lindsay: I was there and stand in her way, pregnating her, coaching her, taking care of her. I even helped to delivery. Brian: So, who says you're not? Lindsay: Michael. He's petitioning my custody and 50% physical custody. Brian: What the hell he thinks he is? The father? Lindsay: We had an agreement. He was always be part of the babies life. But Mel and I raise her. Brian: Together. Lindsay: It doesn't make differents. We're still the same people, we're still Jenny-Rebeccas parents. Brian: Well, he seems to feel diferently. Lindsay: Only Mel are reasonable. Brian: Melanie? Our little Melanie? Reasonable? Lindsay: She still try to forced him out. Now, when he goes through I'm the one who forced out. Cause I'm the one with legal rights. Brian: [to Gus] Looks like your mommie it's quite in predicament. Lindsay: You're damnright she is. I can't believe what a mess my life become. Brian: You want money? Lindsay: What I need is that you talked to him. You're his best friend. Brian: Hey Gus, it's ok, sonnyboy. We will get back on track. [Back on the wedding. Emmett dries the dress. It's now pink.] Emmett: I'll guess that now should do it. Wear that please. [He takes pink flowers and put a few in the wedding bunch.] Emmett: There. Now you have a perfect bouquet. [All the worker are applauds Emmett.] Emmett. Thank you, thank you. Let's go, let's go, let's go. Lila: You're a genius. Emmett: I'm not a genius, well a little less then genius. See, back in Hazelhurst when I was a boy my momo wear my a white pants for church. Well, before we got there I still see some boy in the car there and end up in the morast. My mom was just about the wood me. She picked a juice and it looks fabulous for the church. Now we're turn a desaster into something beautiful. Now you two walk to the isle and get married. [The wedding march. Emmett looks at them and sneezed.] [Hard cut to Poppers. Hot boys, hot music. Emmett with his trick.] Emmett: C'mon honey, there's no backroom here. Let's go to my place. [Brian in enemy place.] Brian: Well, you must then. But there's a backroom in Babylon. Emmett: Brian, hey, hey. We're... we're planing to drop by later. Brian: Why not now? Where all the folks? Emmett: Look, there's not my folks, everybody moved on. All the hot guys come here now. Well, not that one. [he looks to a strange men with blonde hair.] Gee, look at him. The same old tired man who tried to hold on... [He's looking closer. The camera zoomt to his face - it's...] Emmett: Teddy? [Brian and Emmett looks to each other and smiles. Emmett goes away but Brian goes to him.] Brian: Nice cut, Theodore. Ted: Brian, what are you doing here? Brian: Checking out the competition. Ted: Me too. Brian: Is that why you're in discuss? Ted: It's... my new look. [Some guy checking out Brian.] Ted: I was try to something newer, tipper. Brian: I'm trying to bring them back to Babylon, not scare them away. [The trick opens Brian zipper on his pants.] Ted: Well, do it fast or you gonna loose your pants. Brian: Mine was start now. [He goes away with his trick.] [Cut to Brian's loft. Sunshine opens the door. He take down his bag and goes to the bedroom. He's smiling as we see through the slit that Brian isn't alone. He's f*cking his new trick from Poppers.] Brian: [just as he came] You're here? How was your flight? [Justin only can smile.] [Cut to a crying JR and a nervous Melanie. She's swing JR on her arms and try to calm her down.] Mel: Ok, let's try this again. [Someone knocks on the door. Melanie answer it.] Debbie: Christ, what's goin' on in here? You can hear her crying around three blocks. Mel: Colic. She's been up all night. Debbie: Oh, she had that from Michael. Come here honey. [Debbie takes JR on her arms.] Debbie: Try that what I'm used to do at Michael. Mel: Look, you really shouldn't been here. Considering he wants to sue my custody. Debbie: He still haven't learned, heaven't you? We have a child, not a problem. You got have water bottle? Mel: In the kitchen, I think. Debbie: Good, with warm water. [Cut later. Debbie sit down, with JR on her arms and the water bottle on her stomach. She's still crying, but a little lesser.] Mel: Debbie, I know it's your granddaughter and I appreciate your help but... Debbie: But...? What? Mel: Until this things settle down... Debbie: I concerned what's all it is. I'm caring your three. It's almost like the bible, you know with Salomon. [JR is asleep.] Debbie: But the bottom line, I say the baby should stay with her mother. Mel: You do? Debbie: Maybe it's because I'm a mother, a single mother. And anyone who isn't nor has been hasn't a f*cking clue how tough it is and that includes my son. So I do a little help in here. Mel: Thank you for being on my side. [Liberty diner, where all the boys and Debbie hears the fantastic life of Justin in LA.] Justin: I hate the life in LA. The wheater never changes, all anybody talkes about is the business. If you don't have a project we're unvisible. Emmett: Yeah, yeah, as the same as everywhere. The guys, are hot? Justin: Yeah, but after a while they all start to look the same. Perfect hair, perfect teeth, perfect body. Ben: Sounds perfect awful. Justin: And you cannot try anyone or believe anything that anybody ever says. Everybody looking out for themselves and their careers. Ted: Sounds exactly what I'm hear about L.A. [Said Ted who's siting at the counter. He's eating some cake.] Ted: What a show, superficial assholes desperately tring to be or not. Ben: Yeah, I guess it's good. Debbie: I can't honey. It's at the counter. Help yourself. You're lucky that you're in one piece, baby. Michael: So much about "Rage - the movie". Ted: So much about "Rage - the money". Ben: It's ok, we'll be fine. Justin: You know, it's not the way they make it. Ben, you're right. By the time they finished it Rage would round up straight. Michael: At least we have the comic. Our comic. Debbie: And most important, you're back where you belong. Emmett: Yeah, what you're gonna do now, baby? Justin: I haven't so much change to be. Debbie: Don't you worry baby, you're old job is still waiting for you. You can start buss table anytime you will. [Debbie kisses sunshine at his cheek. She's leaving.] Ted: Now, how like your turk now? [At the television studio. Emmett show up and goes to the formerly groom, the executive producer Don.] Don: Emmett, welcome to Chanel 5 news. Everybody still talking about where Lila have that dress and that beautiful colour. Emmett: Well, that it's all right. Is anything I can do for you? You're next wedding. [he giggles.] Don: Actually there is. I watch you day after day during that whole wedding. Emmett: You did? Don: And I have a proposition to make. Emmett: You do? Don: I want you, Emmett. Emmett: Oh man, what is that about the straight man. I'm very flattert but you're a married man now... Don: What you're talkin'? You don't think I'm... [he laughs] Please, no. Emmett: But you says, you wanted me. Don: For the news team. Emmett: As what? Sports commentators? Weather fay? I think you're terribly dissappointed. Don: Listen up, I tell you queer is very hot right now. Everybody wants the gay prospective. What the gays think about fashion, cooking, decorating? Like you said that gaves us straight a little twist. Emmett: And you want me to... Don: To do a new segment. First the gay point of view. Give us some tips. Do some make-overs. Emmett: But I've never... Don: After the magic you performed at the wedding you can do anything. You're the chanel 5's queer guy. [Brian is standing at the empty Babylon and looking through some papers. Michael's shown up.] Michael: Without those lights and the music and the hot guys it's just a room, isn't it? Brian: It's all an illusion. And nothing but cheep the attics. Sorry about your baby. Michael: Jenny? Brian: Rage. Michael: Oh, that. Right now I've got more important things to think about. So why the urgent message on my cell? Brian: [long pause] I want you to leave Melanie and Lindsay alone. They're have enough sh1t to work out right now without your sick and bulldog, or should I say bulldyke lawyer. Michael: What the f*ck business it's about yours when I hire a lawyer? Who the f*ck are you...? Brian: I'm Gus's father, that's the f*ck I am. Michael: Yeah to loose a ball before you knew he was alive! [Michael think about the last sentence while Brian looks straight in his face.] Michael: I'm sorry that was a phrase for a mark. It's just... because you're parents son too. I thoughed you understand. Brian: What I understand is when you get through to this, Lindsay's the one who left out. She's the one who get's f*cked over. Michael: Well, then she had thoughed about that before she cheated on Mel and lie to me. Brian: Christ, would you give it a rest already? We all now the story. Michael: Why do you stop defending her for a change and try to defending me, your best friend. Right now the best thing for Jenny-Rebecca is to be with Ben and me. In a stable home, not pass back and forward by that babbling lesbians. [Michael starts to go.] Brian: When did you change? Michael: What? Brian: When you become this higher saint judging twit? Michael: It's not "when did I change". The point is, why havent't you. Stop be over the hill club boy and grow up. Brian: Oh, now I'm the object of your disapproval too. Since you and the professor get married in f*cking Canada you move from the Liberty Avenue like the other heterosexuals and that gives you suddenly the right to make pronounces on everybodies life? Then welcome to the other side of the perfect marriage, Mikey. It's called gay divorced. Fags and dykes can f*ck up their lives just like the rest of the world. Michael: I'm just try to do what's best of my daughter and protect my rights. I'm sorry you can't see that. [At Ted's home. Ted's watching himself in the mirror. He's checking his face, his belly, his little hair. He must interrupted that for the doorbell. It's Emmett.] Emmett: Just call me ... the queer guy. Ted: Want you to call hope the catholic guy? Emmett: Don, the producer of the chanel 5 news at those wedding wants me to join the news team. I'm returning to the camera. This time with my clothes on! I'm the chanel 5's queer guy. Cheering tips, making clips and showing Pittsburgh how to be fabulous. Ted: Start by showing me. My hair, my face. God, I look like a sharp head. Emmett: There is nothing wrong with the way you look. Ted: Would you stop being friend and be honest? Emmett: I am been honest! C'mon here. Come here. [He's leading him to the mirror.] Emmett: Look at yourself. Your true self. The self that kicked crystal. The complete the Liberty Ride, that a great job, your turned your life around, Teddy. And I've been very, very proud of you, practically a hero. Who cares if you weight a few pounds or have a few character lines? Stop looking at the shove and see the pearl. Ted: [long pause] You're right, Em. You so right. Emmett: I do doin' good, did I? Well, those queer guy need to the gym and get some beauty rest. See you baby. Ted: Thanks, Em. Hey, you're gonna make a great queer guy. You already are. Emmett: Can't help it! [Ted goes to his telephon and dials a number. He look at the newspaper to an add "re new - cosmetic surgeons".] Ted: Hi, yes. My name is Ted Schmidt and I like to see the doctor. [At Michael's comic book store. Mel enters the enemy territorium.] Michael: I'm right be with you. My attourney advise my not talking to you. Mel: Well, I'm a attourney too and I know she's over the causes. After all we're friends. A family. Michael: Are we? Mel: I'm sure we can work this out. Save us a lot grieves and legal expenses with goes to lawyer who didn't want that we talked about it. Look, I admit I over-reacted. I've just been protective, the way any mother would. You can understand that. Michael: It's obviously. Mel: There is no question that you are part of Jenny-Rebecca's life. It's just she's so young. She's still breath feeding. So I was thinking that later on the road when she's 4 or 5 she can spend some time with you and Ben. I think that's perfectly reasonable, don't you? Michael: How dumb do you think I am? No, don't answer that - I can imagine. First you tell me I have no rights, which isn't true. I have as much rights as you do. Now you try to get me agree up until she's 4 or 5. Sorry Mel, I'm not backing off. Mel: I can't believe you're doin' this. After we stood right here in your store and agree that you could be the father instead of a sperm donator. Michael: And why want you let me have her? Mel: Because you don't know a sh1t about raisin' a baby. Even your own mother agrees. Michael: My mother? Mel: Yeah, she think you beheaving like an asshole! Michael: Oh really? You know what? I don't give a sh1t what my mother thinks. Jenny-Rebecca is my daughter too and I'm going to join custody. Mel: You go ahead and try. But let my tell you, you're not up against one angry mother and lesbian, you're up against one pissed-off lawyer. [At Brian's loft. Brian and Justin are have s*x. After this s*x scene both are naked in bed.] Brian: So, was that all you remembered? Justin: Even more. What about you? Brian: It was... okay. Justin: Just okay? It was great. See it was great. See it was great. [Both laughs.] Brian: It was great, it was great. I thoughed you're never coming back. Why would you? Justin: I can't imagine. [Justin stands up and Brian light up a cigarette. Then he reach down and got a sketch from Justin at his hand.] Brian: What's this? Justin: It's one of my storyboards for the movie. Brian: It's good. Justin: Thanks. Brian: What? Justin: Nothing. I told everyone how shitty it was there. How stupid everyone was. The truth is I loved it. It was hot, it was fun, it was exciting. We could changed the world with the first gay superhero. Now it's over. Brian: No, you're back. It must quite down the trouble. Justin: You still think Pittsburgh has what Hollywood hasn't? [They kiss each other.] Justin: Well, if the offers still stands. [Brian opens the shelf - it's empty. Just as that waited for Justin to moved back in. Fade to black.]

Plan: A: Brian; Q: Who re-opens Babylon? A: the party boys; Q: Who has disappeared? A: Justin; Q: Who returns to Pittsburgh after the studio pulls the plug on "Rage"? A: Michael; Q: Who decides to pursue custody of his daughter? A: Jenny Rebecca; Q: Who does Michael decide to pursue custody of? A: Ted; Q: Who pursues a new look? A: a chubby chaser; Q: What is Ted's new look? A: Emmett; Q: Who lands a role in front of the camera? A: the local news; Q: What show does Emmett land a role on? Summary: Brian re-opens Babylon but the party boys have disappeared. Justin returns to Pittsburgh after the studio pulls the plug on "Rage." Michael decides to pursue custody of his daughter, Jenny Rebecca. Behind closed doors, Ted pursues a new look after a recent fling turns out to be a chubby chaser. Emmett lands a role in front of the camera as Pittsburgh's resident "Queer Guy" on the local news.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] John: I won't go. Mary: But a trial will result with you in the gallows. Cotton: John Alden is my friend, perhaps my only one. Increase: And you would allow friendship to stand in the way of your own elevation? Cotton: He is innocent. Isaac: You do want John Alden to live. Mr. Hale: That the power of that mask can only be accessed by those of one kind. Anne: Are you saying that I am... Mr. Hale: A witch. [Girls gasp] Dollie: You swore that they would be safe, but they're dead! Mercy: Gather the young, the poor, the suffering. They will be our army. Increase: [Grunts] You know what to do with it? Mary: There is still a place for us in this world. John: Only in dreams. Mary: Dream with me. John: You're one of them? Mary: Now you know. John: Know what? That you... you're a witch? Mary: Yes. A witch. You should just keep going now. We don't have much time. John: I still need to know. Why? Mary: Survival. All I want is for you to save yourself, so go. Believe that I still love you enough to simply be satisfied knowing you survive, even if that means I'm never gonna see you again. [Gasps] [Thunder rumbling] John: It came back to me. Mary: As you came back to me. All things return, like every salty tear returns to the sea. This is something one learns. John: As a witch? Mary: As a woman. John: You know, my father said this was the land of second chances. So this is ours. We could start again. All we have to do is walk away. Mary: You don't understand. They'd never let me. I... John: Then stay. You have a choice. What you have to do, whatever it is, will it really make you happy? Mary: I don't know. John: I think you do. I think you know as well as I do that there'll be no peace in your heart like there is today. My heart has never known peace. John: Then maybe, just maybe, we'll find it together. Mary: All right. I'll come. But there's something I must do first. If I don't go back and fix it, terrible things will happen. This is my vow. I will meet you here before the moon rises above those trees... I swear it. John: Okay. But when the moon goes, I go... With or without you. Mary: I shall be back. John: All right. ["Cupid Carries a Hun" plays] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪ [Birds chirping] Mercy: A tribute. For you. For you, my queen. Mary: Mercy. Of all the lost souls in Salem, I pity yours most of all. My dear, what have I done to you? Mercy: [Voice breaking] What have you done to me? You have betrayed me. Mary: It was never my intention to betray you, Mercy. I saw myself in your eyes, knew what it was like to have nothing, be nothing, and I wanted so much more for you. So I gave you what you wished for, but I warned you. Mercy: No, I didn't wish for my friends to be killed. I promised them that they would be safe... Because you... you promised me. But you lied. You lied. And now they are all dead. Everything that comes from your lips is a lie. It's a lie. Lies! Lies! [Laughing] Lies! [Echoing] Lies! Mary: Mercy? Mercy: Don't look for me now, not here. You won't find me. But I will find you when you least want to be found. Cotton: Isaac. Have you come to help dismantle my mind? Isaac: Is that what they're doing? Cotton: Yes... in effect. On my father's order... His condition for accepting me back into the flock. All my collection, all the tools of useless reason... All but one. My father says I must return to the beginning of all knowledge. As a reward for my loss and my humiliation, I am to be allowed to return with him to Boston. Oh, Isaac. [Sighs] What do you want with me in this, the hour of my abasement? Isaac: I don't know what that means, sir. But I came to say something about Captain Alden. He is to be hung today. But you two were friends. You might never have said so, but I know so. And I believe, in this life, we have no power to alter where or when we go, but we can say things to each other. Sometimes, words are all we have left. Have you said goodbye to Captain Alden? Cotton: I'm not sure I can bear to... Especially given how much... How much blame may lie on my shoulders. [Sighs] But, as usual, you speak with more wisdom than all of the Mathers in history combined. Isaac: Good day, sir. [Horse whinnies, indistinct conversations] [Door opens] Mrs. Hale: [Gasps] Anne: Father. Mrs. Hale: Where have you been? Mr. Hale: Shopping. I believe I have everything we shall need to survive for a week or more. Anne: Survive? Survive what? Mr. Hale: [Panting] This way. Here. Give me a hand with this, dear. What's the matter? Haven't you ever held a live bird before? Anne: No, I-I haven't. Mr. Hale: Well, a little... Little tighter. Here. Can you feel its heart beating? Anne: Yes, I can. Don't worry. There's nothing to be frightened of. [Bones crunch] Anne: [Gasps] Mr. Hale: [Panting] Come. [Ancient witches hissing] Mary: No! No more will die. This began with me, and I shall be the one to end it. Silence! Or I shall deal with you as I dealt with Rose. No longer will you stand in my way... not now, not ever. I'm leaving Salem, and I am never coming back. You may do as you like when I'm gone, but you will not follow me or hinder me in the years ahead. [SCENE_BREAK] Then unchoose me. [Creature howls] Put magistrate Hale in charge. His line is ancient, and yet still Springs green a new heir. [SCENE_BREAK] No, I'm not the one. I was just a black Rose you grafted to your vine, and I've had enough... Enough blood and death... And I will be free. [Ancient witches hissing] [SCENE_BREAK] [Horse whinnies, indistinct conversations] Increase: Ah, my son... With his customary expression of befuddlement and utter incomprehension. Cotton: What's happened, father? Have you taken him off and killed him already, without the benefit of final words or prayers or... or witnesses? Increase: Of course not. Would I do such a thing to an innocent man? You see, I never doubted John Alden's innocence. Just as I know that he is a man of excessive personal honor, I never doubted the fact that he had ample and good reason for killing whoever he did kill. Cotton: You mock me, sir. Increase: No, I do not. Do you think that I don't know that Alden has no more malefic or sulfuric power than you or I? Alden is a traitor, he is a murderer, he is a free-thinking heretic, he is a drinker, a man of loose morals, and he is guilty of the sin of pride, but a witch... not at all. However, he is in love with a witch, and more importantly, a witch is in love with him. Cotton: You mean Mary Sibley? A witch? Increase: Believe it or not, as you choose. Nevertheless, it is true. Cotton: The most important woman in Salem... a witch? Have you any proof, any evidence? Increase: At present, I have none. However, when she is apprehended with her lover, a man she has freed from a locked jail cell with magic, I'll have her dead to rights. You. Have you done as I told you? Militiaman: Yes, sir. Tore it into two. Snuck half into his pocket as I led him to his cell. Increase: Mm. Militiaman: The other half... here. Increase: Blood the hounds. Run him down. Heed me carefully... Someone will be with him, and they're both very dangerous, so do not attempt to capture them or bring them back, but execute them then and there, on the spot... both of them. You have my authority to do this. Cotton: Sir. Increase: Now, off with you. Go on. Cotton: Sir, I plead with you to bring them back for a fair trial. Increase: There's no need for a trial. This is our one and only opportunity to avert the great death that they intend for us. I have no choice in this. The witch will die tonight. [Door creaks] Mrs. Hale: [Sighs] Anne: How long has this been here? Mr. Hale: Since I built the house. You do not survive all that I have survived without knowing how to keep a true hiding place. This room, whose door only blood can open, is our sanctuary. You'll be safe here. Mrs. Hale: How long must we stay inside? Mr. Hale: I think at least a week before the winds cleanse the air. And this is how we will know it has begun. Anne: What disaster unfolds outside that we must cower from in here? Mr. Hale: Tonight, there will be a plague released near Salem, a pox upon the puritan house. Only those who carry the witch blood in their veins or are touched by it will be safe from this pox. Anne: Then I will die of it, too. Cotton Mather examined me. I'm no witch. Mr. Hale: Really? Then he is an even more incompetent witchfinder than I thought. Look around. Don't you recognize anything here? When you were very little, I brought you here often, that you might not begin your life as a damned puritan, without the sounds, the music in your ears, or all the colors of art in your eyes. Here. You drew that when you were 3. Anne: This. Mr. Hale: Well, that was your favorite. I carved it for you. Anne: But why... Why can't I remember? Mr. Hale: Because I had to take away your memories until you were ready for them, but now you are. Anne: I do. I do remember. But... I remember it dancing. Mr. Hale: It did dance for you. You made it dance. Anne: I? Mr. Hale: Look at it. And in your mind's eye, see it dancing. Mary: Oh, George, I shall Miss the dazzle and wit of your conversation. Do you know what tonight is, George? It's the luckiest night of your life. You'll never know how close you all came to utter destruction. You once took away from me everything that meant anything. But tonight, I shall finally have it all back. Tituba: Truer than you know... Mistress. Mary: What do you want here, traitor? Tituba: I? Traitor? I, who have endured the worst that sick man could inflict upon my flesh to protect you? I think not. 'Tis you who have betrayed those who nurtured you, you who have turned your back on everything we have planned these long years. Mary: No. No, I'm leaving not to betray, but to be true... Perhaps for the first time... To myself. Tituba: You are going nowhere. Seven years ago, two girls walked into the woods. There, one of them made a vow. To seal that vow, she offered up a most precious thing... The life she carried within. Mary: No need to remind me of that dark night. I shall never be free of its memory. Tituba: No. You cannot forget what you have never really known. Have you never asked yourself, never wondered what really happened that night, where the life that swelled your belly went? Nothing is created. Nothing is destroyed. All is only ever transformed. Open it. Mary: My child... lives? Tituba: For now, depending on your choice. Mary: This... this is some foul trick in order to control me. Tituba: No, you did not kill the child that night. You gave him to the Dark Lord we serve, and this child has been treasured like no other in a thousand years. He has lacked for nothing... Except his mother. Mary: [Voice breaking] What do you want from me? Tituba: Only what you have vowed to do. Complete the grand rite, and all shall be well. Mary: And if I do not? Tituba: A sacrifice deferred is yet more powerful... Especially a blood sacrifice. Mary: Hear me well, foul creature. You have manipulated me for the last time. I will complete your grand rite. But when it is done, I swear to you, you will pay. Tituba: We must all live without choices, Mary. You know that best of all. [SCENE_BREAK] [Horse whinnies, indistinct conversations] Woman: Yes, it was. Isaac: He's gone. Captain Alden's missing. Was it you? Mary: I told you I would not let him hang. Isaac: Thank you, Mary. Thank you. It's beautiful. Mary: Yes. It is. Isaac: What is it? Mary: Death. Isaac: Oh. Mary: It's a bad thing, and it needs to go to a bad place. Isaac: Then I'm your man. Mary: Here. Isaac: That's a fortune. Mary: Several fortunes, actually... Far less than you deserve, sweet Isaac, for doing such a job. You can start a new life with it, one as good as your good heart deserves. Isaac: Thank you. Mary: Isaac, listen carefully. The most important thing is that, when you leave it, you keep going... Far away and quickly. Boston, New York, Virginia... Just keep going. And one more thing... On your way out of town, deliver this letter to Cotton Mather. Isaac: I shall never see you again, will I? Mary: No. No, I expect not. Isaac: That makes me very sad. Mm. Y-you and the Captain are the closest things to friends I ever had... Except for a horse I once knew, but she died. Mary: You shall buy a new horse, a whole team of them. And you shall make new friends. This is the land of second chances. Isaac: Like you and John Alden? W-will you get your second chance? Mary: Yes. Yes, I expect we will. [Dogs barking in distance] Mary: [Sighs] Increase: Who is here? Is it the whore of Babylon? Mary: Oh, dear Increase... So terribly right and so terribly wrong. Increase: I can see before my eyes how right I was. Your darkling glow burns brighter than ever... witch. Isaac: Sir. For you. Cotton: What is it? Isaac: No idea. Mrs. Sibley asked me to give it you. Now I must go, for the road is long, and... my legs are not. Increase: Tell me, exactly. How was I wrong? Mary: You thought love would be my undoing, that I would be in the woods with my lover, and you would kill me there without a trial, thus ending my grand rite. Increase: [Grunts] Mary: I will share with you the secret that you and your kind have sought in vain for centuries... Innocent blood. 13 innocent sacrifices, and when the last is spilled, our malum opens, unleashing the red death it contains within it. And yet, not once in the last 500 years have we succeeded... Until I came along and realized we needn't spill a single drop of innocent blood ourselves... Not when we had fearful and fanatical puritans all too ready to do it for us. So you gave us Giles Corey, Bridget bishop... The barkers, and others, and of course, those poor, deceived girls... Innocent blood by the buckets. And now here we are, night of full hunter's moon. 12 innocents dead, and only one more required before moonfall. Increase: Not if I kill you first. Mary: Oh, yes, kill the witch who began this grand rite, and you might yet avert the great death to come. Increase: Aah! [Groans] Mary: Good luck with that. Increase: [Grunts] Mary: Oh, Increase. You're gonna have to do so much better than that. But I will make you a promise. Increase: [Grunts] Mary: It will end here, in this room, right now. [Chuckles] John: [Panting] [Dogs barking] Militiaman: You there! Stop! [Guns cocking] [Owl hooting] Isaac: You've done the right thing, Isaac... Taking such a load off her hand. Mary said to put it here in the old tree. [Panting] This ain't right. Oh, this ain't right. Any fool can feel that, even this fool. She said you were death. I'm gonna put you where the dead belong. Mary: You are no better than those you hunt. No, you're far worse. A witch, like a wolf, doesn't torture her sacrifice. Only priests and inquisitors do that. Increase: Perhaps you can convince yourself that there is scant difference between good and evil, but I know better. Mary: Did it ever occur to you that the dark power we gain is precisely that which you think you can expel from yourself? Increase: You know nothing, creature. Whatever happens here today only proves that what I believe... is true. [Both grunting] Cotton: Father! Father! Mary: [Voice breaking] Cotton. Thank God Isaac found you. Help me. Your father... he's gone mad! Cotton: Father, what have you done?! Increase: I? I've done nothing. This succubus has come to me. She's playing with your mind. She has put herself into that chair! Cotton: What?! How? Mary: He is a Devil. Oh, he's a mad Devil, sir! Cotton: Father, you said Mary Sibley was a witch. Increase: She is a witch. Cotton: Then why is she not in the woods, father, saving Captain Alden, as you said she would be?! Increase: I have no time for your idiotic question and less for your infernal doubt! Cotton: Your great plan has proven nothing! Now you resort to torturing an innocent woman to obtain some kind of false confession from her?! Increase: Are you too blind to see?! Look... she is not even there! She is a mere phantasm! Mary: Aah! Cotton: Father! Increase: She is a specter! Mary: Aah! [Crying] Cotton: Father, I fear you have lost your reason. Increase: And you, boy... You have never had any reason, you pathetic failure. This bitch dies now! Mary: No, please, no, no. Increase: [Groaning] Oh, oh, Cotton. Cotton. W-what have you done? You foolish boy. You... Cotton. Cotton. God. For God's sake... Kill the witch. Cotton: I have killed him. I don't... I don't understand. How did it... How do you come to be here? Mary: He dragged me from my rooms. He was going to torture me... To death. [Gasping] Cotton: I must call for help. Mary: No. No, there's no help for it now. Cotton: But I must tell someone. I must tell someone what I've done. Mary: No. Cotton: I must tell someone what I've done! Mary: No, you would ruin your family... The very name of Mather. I will tell no one what he tried to do, nor what you did. But you must leave, Cotton. Go to Boston now, tonight, immediately. Cotton: What... what about him? Mary: Better they find him here after you are gone. They will think those that support Alden got to him... Or even witches. Now go! [Door opens, closes] Increase: [Gasping] Mary: Oh, dear Increase. I hope you're alive enough to know what an honor you've been granted. Increase: [Groaning] Mary: Oh, such an honor... To be our 13th victim. [Heart beating] Isaac: [Gasping] Mary: Our grand rite now is done. Blood-dim dawn now shall come. Powers of moon and sun ignite. All flesh trembles at the sight. 13 souls fed to hungry earth opens the way for our Dark Lord's birth. Mr. Hale: It's begun. I honestly didn't think Mary would be able to do it in the end. Anne: Mary? Mary Sibley? She is one of you? Mr. Hale: One of us? Oh, far more than that, dear. For better or worse, she is the first among us. Anne: She is behind all this? She, a witch, killed all those innocents, killed... Bridget, as a witch? Mr. Hale: Indeed, it was her idea to use the puritans to sacrifice themselves for us... An inspired, if dangerous idea. Anne: Why has the sun come out? What is going on outside? Mr. Hale: Death. Death is happening. Anne: Then why aren't you trying to stop it? Why are we in here, while outside, our friends and neighbors perish? Mr. Hale: It's too late for that. Now we can only wait and then tend to the survivors. Anne: Survivors? [Sniffles] I will have none of this. Whatever it is, I would rather be with those that suffer it, not those that perpetrate it. [Panting] Open the door. Mr. Hale: It is sealed. Only more blood will open it now. Anne: Open! Mr. Hale: I told you... only blood. Anne: Then my blood... Mr. Hale: Anne, stop! Stop! Mrs. Hale: No! Mr. Hale: Stop! Stop it! Anne: No! Let me out! Mr. Hale: I said stop it! Anne: I am not you. I am not like you. I am not a witch! Aah! Aah! Aah! I am not you! Aah! John: [Grunting] Militiaman: Off to meet thy maker. John: [Choking] Mary: Most agree the soul lingers for some time, very close to where the body lies. It sees and hears and feels keenly what happens. I'm glad of that... Glad you'll suffer through what's still about to happen. [Dogs barking in distance] How good of you to train these fine animals to lust for your own blood. It guarantees you the burial you deserve. The dogs will eat their fill of you and sh1t your remains out in the crags. Tituba: You did it, and soon, the red death will destroy Salem. Mary: No thanks to you. Tituba: I have been much help, I would say. And now I have even more to give. Come. [Birds cawing] Mercy: Now... Now... You see, children, only by killing the Rose will the queen of the night really become the queen of the night. Little did that mighty queen know that all her plans would be turned upside down. Yes, that wasn't really the true queen of the night who beheaded the Rose. That was me. I beheaded the Rose. [Chuckles] Though Mary Sibley knows it not yet, I am the queen of the night. And she will pay for what she's done. [Dogs snarling] [Bell tolling] Isaac: [Coughing] Mary: [Crying]

Plan: A: Mary; Q: Who must choose between fleeing Salem with John or completing the Grand Rite? A: Tituba; Q: Who reveals a long kept secret? A: her decision; Q: What does Tituba's secret have the potential to sway? A: the witches; Q: Who is Increase closing in on? A: the Hales; Q: Who is preparing to go into hiding? Summary: Mary must choose between fleeing Salem with John or completing the Grand Rite, and Tituba reveals a long kept secret that could sway her decision. Meanwhile, Increase closes in on the witches, and the Hales prepare to go into hiding.

DAN'S CAR Dan shows to Haley the guy who know where Nathan is. HALEY: That's the man that has Nathan? DAN: No. A guy named Dmitri has Nathan. That's a low-life drug dealer. HALEY: And? DAN: And I overheard you and Quinn talking about Clay's drug problem, so I decided to discourage this dealer. HALEY: What does this have to do with Nathan? DAN: When I approached him, I overheard him talking on the phone to a guy named Dmitri. How many Dmitris do you know in Tree Hill? (She starts to open the car's door) DAN: Wait. NATHAN: I have waited long enough. I want my husband back. DAN: What are you gonna do? You gonna walk up to him and ask him nicely to tell you where Dmitri is? HALEY: I don't plan on asking him nicely. DAN: Look out that guy. Take a good look. You see anything there that should make us concerned? HALEY: Yeah. He has a gun. DAN: He has a gun. And we don't. So we have to be smart. HALEY: Okay. All right. So, what's your plan? CHUCK'S HOUSE Chase is in the police's car, arrested. CHASE: I'm not the one you're supposed to be arresting. That guy was beating his son. And I stopped him. The policeman asks questions to Chuck. POLICEMAN: Son, we need to ask you a few questions about tonight. Need you be honest with me, okay? Did your father hurt you earlier? CHUCK'S MOTHER: Go ahead, sweetie. Tell the officer the truth. Tell him your father never... Laid a hand on you. POLICEMAN: Son, this is important. Did your father hit you? CHUCK: No. CLINN'S HOUSE Clay announces to Quinn his discover. QUINN: Clay? CLAY: You know the traumatic event that I was hiding from everyone,including myself? Well, we, uh, we figured it out. And... He just had a birthday. We had a son, Quinn. Me and Sara. I have a son. QUINN: H-how is that possible? CLAY: Somehow I erased him from my memory after her death. It's the reason for my fugue state. QUINN: I mean, a-are you sure? CLAY: Yeah, I'm sure. Oh, God. It's been like waking up from a dream. I just... The reality that I thought I knew before made sense to me, but now I'm awake, and I know what's true. I have a son. And, Quinn... It's Logan. Logan's my son. BRULIAN'S HOUSE Brooke and Julian are in the babies' room. BROOKE: Just knowing that Xavier's walking the same streets as us makes me feel sick. I'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight. JULIAN: Maybe it wasn't him at Karen's. Maybe it was just in my head. He's putting us both so on edge, maybe we're just jumping at shadows. BROOKE: Do you really believe that? JULIAN: I don't know. What I do know is that I'm here, and our boys are here, and I'm not gonna let anything happen to them. Or you. I promise. (Mobile plays "rock-a-bye baby") TREE HILL CAFE Someone enters in the cafe. TARA: Sorry. We're closed for the night. XAVIER: I know. TARA: We're closed. XAVIER: So you said. TARA: Can I help you with something? XAVIER: Yes, I think you can. MOUTH'S APARTMENT Skills wakes Mouth up to go running. SKILLS: Dude, wake up. MOUTH: W-what are you doing? SKILLS: Taking my dawg out for a run. MOUTH: You got a dog? SKILLS: No, you my dawg, dawg. MOUTH: Did Millie put you up to this? SKILLS: No. You did, chubs. MOUTH: Am I really that bad? SKILLS: I'm thinking about changing your name from mouth to chins. Now let's go! Move, move, move! MOUTH: All right. I'm up. I'm up. CLINN'S HOUSE Clay looks Sara's stuff. Quinn comes in. QUINN: Morning. CLAY: We had a crib with his name above it. And a mobile of planes. I can see it so clearly now. I-I just can't believe I ever forgot about it. I just left him there. I had a son, and I abandoned him. I mean, trauma or no trauma, how the hell can someone erase their own child for six years? I just left him there and never went back. QUINN: That doesn't mean that you can't go back now. CLAY: I don't know if I can. QUINN: Of course you can. And I'm gonna go with you. KAREN'S CAFE A guy arrive in the cafe with tools. GUY: Hey. Here to fix your toilet. BROOKE: I... think you have the wrong address. I didn't call for a plumber. (A other one arrives too) OTHER GUY: Hi. I hear you got a... You got a backed-up toilet. BROOKE: No one called for a plumber. Our toilet is fine. OTHER GUY: Um, no, a Brooke Davis called me, and she said to get here quick. "The toilet is backed up on account of the muffins at Karen's cafe." BROOKE: I did not call a plumber. There is nothing wrong with our toilet. And there is certainly nothing wrong with our muffins. Why would I volunteer so much information? PLUMBER: Brooke Davis? I'm here about the broken crapper. BROOKE: Crap. Excuse me. Hi. It's not broken. TREE HILL CAFE Brooke wants information from Tara. She falls on Xavier. BROOKE: Where is that slut you call a boss? XAVIER: Hi, Brooke. Welcome to Tree Hill cafe. How can I help you... Neighbor? POLICE STATION Chris picked Chase from prison. CHASE: Thanks for bailing me out. CHRIS: Not a problem. Couldn't leave you in the clink too long, pretty little thing like you. Just don't try to skip bail. I got season two of "dog the bounty hunter" at home. I picked up some pointers. Bro, I'll catch you. CHASE: Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere. TREE HILL CAFE Brooke wants explications from Tara. BROOKE: What the hell are you doing? TARA: Um, running a decent cafe, unlike you. BROOKE: How could you hire him? He's a criminal. TARA: Who, Xavier? He needed a job. We were hiring. Plus, I get a stipend from the government for hiring a felon... Win-win. BROOKE: He's a felon because he kidnapped a child, robbed me, and beat the hell out of me. TARA: Oh, my God. I-I stand corrected. So really it's a win-win-win, if you count the "beating the hell out of you" part. BROOKE: Okay. You want to hang signs and send roach-infested plants and clog my doorway with the super Mario brothers, that's fine, but he is dangerous. He murdered a kid! TARA: Correct me if I'm wrong, but, um, didn't you guys have a convicted murderer flipping burgers for you not too long ago? BROOKE: Tara, please don't do this. I cannot have him working so close to me. TARA: So if he stays, you go? Perfect! So, really, it's a win-win-win-win. Do be a stranger! RIVERCOURT Skills and Mouth are running. Mouth is tired. MOUTH: Hey. I'm out of shape. SKILLS: Damn, dawg, you went from De Niro in "Taxi Driver" to De Niro in "Raging Bull." What the hell happened? MOUTH: Well, when you have a job like mine, you have to eat out a lot. SKILLS: Yeah, well, when you have a job like yours, you got to go to the gym a lot. MOUTH: Well, you plan on going, but something comes up,and you put it off to the next day, so you wake up a little heavier. You string enough of these days together, and you just wake up heavy. SKILLS: You know, I heard somewhere that unhappy people sometimes eat a lot to make theirself feel better. And I'm saying this to you because you just don't seem like the same happy-go-lucky mouth I used to know. MOUTH: Yeah? SKILLS: Yeah, it's like if a sad mouth from a different dimension came here and hunted down the happy mouth and just ate him. MOUTH: You know, I-I have felt a bit of a weight lately, but I don't know the cause of it. SKILLS: I think it's your ass. MOUTH: No, I have a great relationship with Millie. We have a good life, a good job. I'm pretty happy. SKILLS: Yeah, well, I know something 50 push-ups. MOUTH: Are you serious? Would you settle for five? 'Cause five would make me unhappy, too. SKILLS: Wow. TRAILER Dan prepares guns. Haley is not satisfied with the plan. HALEY: That's what you meant by being smart? DAN: He has a gun. Now so do I. HALEY: And this is your master plan. DAN: This is not a disagreement with someone at a pta meeting, Haley. These are dangerous people. You want Nathan back, this might be what it takes to get him back. HALEY: You are gonna get yourself killed. DAN: You have a better plan? HALEY: Yeah, I do. CHASE'S LOFT Chase gets out his uniform and takes his car's key. HOPITAL CENTRE Clay and Quinn have a conversation with doctor Alvarez. CLAY: How is it that I have a son, and no one felt like maybe they should share this information with me? DOCTOR: When Sara was taken from you... CLAY: When Sara died. DOCTOR: All right. When your wife died, in order to cope with the sudden loss, your brain removed the one thing that reminded you the most of her... Logan. We tried, Clay. We tried telling you during your early sessions, but you... Or, rather, your brain... Just wouldn't hear it. When Logan was brought up, you would shut down. All progress would be lost. CLAY: So you just quit? QUINN: Clay... DOCTOR: No, it's okay. You quit, Clay. You stopped coming to your sessions, and you just... You disappeared. So the state granted custody to Sara's parents. QUINN: But why has no one tried to contact him since? DOCTOR: I was the one who decided we needed to wait for you to remember on your own. So if you want to be angry, be angry with me. CLAY: I don't want to be angry. I just need some guidance. I left him for six years. What do I do now? DOCTOR: You should go talk to your son. CHUCK'S HOUSE Chase comes in to talk with Chuck's mother. CHUCK'S MOTHER: You shouldn't be here. CHASE: I need a minute. I may be going to jail for a while... And I want to make sure that Chuck is gonna be okay...That your husband is not going to hurt him anymore. Not tomorrow, not next week, not six months from now. CHUCK'S MOTHER: When he gets in one of his moods... I don't know what to do. I try to stop him. CHASE: You need to try harder. And if that means getting him out of your lives, then that's what you need to do. Otherwise, it's going to be Chuck who ends up in the hospital. Please. Do it for Chuck. (Chase starts to leave. Chuck gets out) CHUCK: Chase! I'm sorry. CHASE: Yeah. I know. OFFICE Brooke and Julian are in an office to talk about Xavier. BROOKE: Well, first, he came to my cafe and asked for a job. Then he came back and ordered food. And now he's working across the street from us. JULIAN: And he may have been watching us through the cafe window last night. MAN: What it sounds like to me is we have an ex-con who was able to find employment shortly after being paroled and who occasionally gets hungry. I wish all my parolees were this way. BROOKE: I'm sorry, the way you say that makes us sound like we're loony. JULIAN: Aren't there rules against making contact with someone you've attacked? MAN: Yes, there are. BROOKE: Well, there... He broke the rules. MAN: But it's a small town. I mean, paths will cross at times. BROOKE: He came to my place of work and asked me for a job on purpose. MAN: Xavier informed me of that incident shortly after it happened. He was not aware that you had any connection with the cafe. He was just looking for work. JULIAN: Come on! BROOKE: He came back after that and... ate pie! MAN: If it will make you feel better, I will call him this afternoon and reiterate to him that he needs to stay away from you. JULIAN: So that's it. MAN: Unfortunately, yes. I mean, that's how the system works. Unless you have proof that Xavier's doing something illegal, there's nothing more that I can do. CEMETERY Mouth and Skills makes a while here. MOUTH: Tell me this is a shortcut. SKILLS: Nope. It's the long way. But at least we get to stop by and say hi to Jimmy. MOUTH: We were gonna host "sportscenter" together. We even had our own catchphrases. Mine was "wammo kablammo," and his was, "now, that's a spicy meatball." SKILLS: Man, y'all was some dorks. MOUTH: There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about him. Somehow I still feel guilty about how I lost touch with him. SKILLS: Yeah, mouth, but that wasn't your fault, man. MOUTH: Yeah, I know. I miss you, Jimmy. KAREN'S CAFE Brooke is in the cafe. Haley passes to ask advice to Brooke. BROOKE: He's over there, you know. HALEY: Who? BROOKE: Xavier. HALEY: The Xavier who attacked you and... BROOKE: I didn't tell you? HALEY: No. BROOKE: He got hired at the tree slut cafe, and it is wigging me out! HALEY: What? He can't do that, can he? BROOKE: Apparently. I... you know what? I can't even talk about it. You have some good news about Nathan? HALEY: No. Um no. The police are doing nothing. BROOKE: I'm sorry. HALEY: So I went to Dan. BROOKE: Really? HALEY: Yeah. At this point, I'm just willing to do whatever it takes to get Nathan back. Dan has a lead, and, um, that's why I'm here. I need your help with something. BROOKE: Anything. BAR Haley walked into the dive bar wearing a very trashy outfit. HALEY: Well? You just gonna sit there and stare? Or you want to buy me another one? CHASE'S LOFT Chris is with Chase. They talk about Chuck. CHRIS: So, what do you think's gonna happen? CHASE: My best bet... I'm going to get a dishonorable discharge, and once the dust settles, police will be there to cart me off to prison. Good times. CHRIS: Dude, I'm sorry. I don't regret what I did for a second. CHASE: Guy had it coming... Beating on a kid. CHRIS: And Chuck lied, huh? CHASE: He was just scared. He's been through a lot. CHRIS: Yeah, but still, you don't deserve to go to jail. KAREN'S CAFE Brooke vents to Julian at the cafe about Xavier working across the street. BROOKE: He should be in jail. I know I sound like a broken record, but I don't think I can handle seeing his psycho face every day. JULIAN: Maybe you should stop staring at him through the window, then. What I mean is, it's probably best if we both keep an eye on him, you know, like a two-person neighborhood watch. BROOKE: I know what he's gonna do. He's gonna act all normal and un-Norman bates-ish, and then once I drop my guard... bam! That's when he strikes. JULIAN: Well, actually, Norman bates acted relatively normal in public. It was behind closed doors that he was a psycho, so you can't really... You probably don't need a film-history lesson right now. BROOKE: No. Haley's helping Dan look for Nathan. JULIAN: Really? That's an odd pairing. BROOKE: You know, the police aren't doing anything, so she's looking for him herself. There he goes. Off to torture kittens or make dolls out of human hair or whatever nutjobs do. JULIAN: Let's follow him. BROOKE: Are you serious? JULIAN: Brooke, we have a family to protect. Having that creep on the streets puts our boys at risk. Okay, Haley has the right idea. I say we follow him and see what he's up to. They need proof that he's up to no good? Let's get proof. BROOKE: So the predator becomes the prey. LABEL'S OFFICE Chris seeks an idea for Chase. CHRIS: We have an emergency. Chase is in trouble. Come on. What are we gonna do? I know. This is big. I'm speechless, too. He helped this little kid, Chuck, and the kid lied to the cops. You believe that? GIRL: No. CHRIS: We could have a benefit concert, get the media on our side. Or we could have a "save chase" Twitter feed. OTHER GIRL: Or you could just go talk to the kid. CHRIS: Or that. Yeah. Okay. Okay. These are good ideas. Let's keep brainstorming in case we need a fall-back. Great work, team! Good enthusiasm! HOPITAL CENTRE Clay is stressed and Quinn tries to reassure him about Logan. QUINN: What's wrong? CLAY: I don't know how to do this. I mean, what am I supposed to say to him? QUINN: You've been talking to him every day for the last week. CLAY: Yeah, but that was before I knew he was my son. QUINN: He adores you. So just talk to him like always, and at some point, tell him you're his father. Clay... Just walk over and say, "hi, Logan." Everything else will come naturally. Clay is sitting near Logan to talk with him. LOGAN: Hey, gambit. CLAY: Gambit, huh? LOGAN: Yeah. I'm Wolverine, and you're gambit. CLAY: Nice. LOGAN: So, where have you been? Did you "fugue" again? CLAY: No, I-I didn't fugue. Something came up. And it was something I had to think about, so I thought it'd be better if I didn't do that here. So, you've been eating well? LOGAN: Huh? CLAY: You know, like, lots of leafy greens... LOGAN: You're weird. Who's this guy? CLAY: Oh, that's deadpool. LOGAN: Is he a good guy? CLAY: Uh, it's hard to say. He's a hero for hire, so sometimes he's good, but sometimes he's bad. The big thing about this guy, though, is that he has healing powers like Wolverine. And he's a bit of a smartass. LOGAN: You just said a swear! CLAY: Sorry. You know, swearing is bad, so you just... just don't do it. And if you could, maybe don't mention it to Dr. "A" on your next visit? LOGAN: Okay. CLAY: Hey, Logan, has, uh, has the doctor ever talked to you about your parents? LOGAN: Sometimes. CLAY: Did he ever tell you what happened to them? LOGAN: Yeah. My mom went to heaven when I was a baby. CLAY: How about your dad? LOGAN: He got really, really sad when she died... So sad that he had to go away. CLAY: That sounds rough. LOGAN: But I don't care, though. Besides, spider-man lost both of his parents, too. CHUCK'S HOUSE Chris visits Chuck. CHRIS: Hey, mini me. You doing okay? CHUCK: Chase is going to jail, and it's all my fault. I should have told the cops the truth. I should have told them that he was just trying to get my dad to stop hitting me. Is he mad at me? CHRIS: No. He understands. He just wants to make sure you're gonna be okay. CHUCK: Are you mad at me? CHRIS: No. No, I'm not mad at you. No, Chris Keller knows how hard it is to do the right thing. Funny thing is, is you keep trying to be like me... Which is understandable. I'm pretty kick-ass. But you should be trying to be like chase. I mean, he did the right thing even though he was afraid of what could happen. STREET Brooke and Julian follow Xavier home and see him sneaking in through the window of a house. BROOKE: Maybe this isn't the best idea. JULIAN: What, stalking the guy who's been stalking us? BROOKE: No, it's not that. This could take forever. What are we supposed to do, follow him all day till he commits a crime? JULIAN: Well, that didn't take very long. BROOKE(at phone): Hello, 911? I'd like to report a break-in. BAR Haley chats up the drug dealer at the dive bar. BILLY: So then I broke his arm. And then I told him if he didn't give me the money he owed me, then I would continue to break every bone in his body... In alphabetical order. Which works, because I started with his arm. HALEY: Oh, right. That's funny. You're funny. You're a real, um, tough guy, huh? I like that in a man. BILLY: You know what I like in a woman? HALEY: Hmm? BILLY: Me. HALEY: Oh. Do your shot. This has been real fun. I think I'm gonna need something else, though. Something that's gonna, you know, get me in the mood,if you know what I'm saying. BILLY: You want to party with me or my product? HALEY: Let's make it a threesome. BILLY: That works for me, girl. HALEY: Come on. (She lures him outside so Dan can knock him out) BILLY: Damn, girl. I can't wait to hit that. DAN: That's just what I was thinking. STREET The police is here. BROOKE: What the hell is taking so long? He should be some prisoner's bitch by now. POLIMAN: Are you the ones that reported the break-in? JULIAN: Yes, sir. Do you need a statement or something? BROOKE: When you arrest him, can I slap the cuffs on him? POLICEMAN: We're not arresting him. BROOKE: What do you mean? JULIAN: What? POLICEMAN: He didn't break in the house. JULIAN: We just saw him climb in the window. POLICEMAN: The house belongs to a friend of his. He's staying there, and he forgot his key. It all checks out. BROOKE: Oh. MOUTH'S APARTMENT Mouth throws out all of the junk food in his apartment. HOPITAL CENTRE Quinn and Dr. A talk about Clay's progress and what they could expect for the future. Meanwhile, Clay plays with Logan. DOCTOR: So, you found him by the pool, on the beach, on the playground. QUINN: All the places you would take your child. DOCTOR: And now that he knows about Logan, the fugue state no longer has a purpose. QUINN: So he's cured? DOCTOR: For the most part. He'll need to go to therapy in order to, uh, work through some of the issues he needs to address. It'll take time. He's on his way. QUINN: We'll get through it. DOCTOR: He told me he loves you, by the way. That totally breaks patient-doctor confidentiality, but... Then, you knew it already, so, what the hell? QUINN: Thank you. COUNCIL MAN: Airman Adams, to attack a civilian is an act that casts shame and embarrassment on your fellow airmen. Your actions were unbecoming of a member of the air force. It seems we have a character witness here to speak on your behalf. (Chuck and his mother enters) MAN: At ease, young man. CHUCK: I know that you guys want to kick chase out of the air force because you think he did something wrong. But he didn't. I did. 'Cause I didn't tell the truth. My dad hits me. He hits me even when I haven't done anything wrong. Chase found out, and he stopped him. I know I shouldn't have lied about it. But I did. And I'm sorry. So it's my fault. Chase was protecting me. Isn't that what you taught him to do? He's really nice to me and helps me with all kinds of stuff. All he ever wanted to do was fly. Please don't take that away from him. CEMETERY Mouth is coming with his computer in the Jimmy's grave. MOUTH: Hey, Jimmy. I know what you're thinking. "I haven't heard from my pal mouth in ages, and what's this... Two visits in one day?" Well, I've been working on a sports blog, and... I thought maybe you could help me with it. SOUND STAGE Dan and Haley literally try to 'beat' information of Nathan's whereabouts out of the creepy drug dealer. BILLY: What the hell is this? HALEY: This is me finding out where my husband is. BILLY: I have no idea what you're talking about. And if I did, I'd say that he had his teeth pulled out and his fingers cut off by now. HALEY: I want to know where... DAN: Haley! He can't tell us anything if you beat him to death. BILLY: Whoo-whee. That's a crazy bitch. HALEY: What did you do to him?! BILLY: Get her off of me! HALEY: No! BILLY: Get this bitch off of me! DAN: Okay. BILLY: Your husband's dead, you stupid whore. DAN: Shut up! You need to go now. HALEY: I'm not going anywhere until I find out where Nathan is. DAN: I'm gonna need to do some things you shouldn't see. HALEY: I can handle it. DAN: Haley... he's going to talk, and we're going to find Nathan. Trust me. But I can't have you here when I do this. So go home. I'll call you. Be sure to give Deb back her clothes. HALEY: Bring Nathan home. I don't care what it takes. Bring him home. (Haley leaves) DAN: Well, well, well. Alone at last. STREET Brooke goes to her car but Xavier surprises her. XAVIER: Alone at last. BROOKE: Look... XAVIER: Shh! You've already done enough talking today with that pretty little mouth of yours. How 'bout you just listen? I know I hurt you in the past, but that's the past. I served my time for what I did, and now I'm just trying to get on with my life. But you keep pushing me. You need to stop. 'Cause you should know...that I can get to you whenever I want. So don't give me a reason to. Dropped these. Have a nice night. LOGAN'S BEDROOM Clay fixed Logan's plane. They talks together. CLAY: Hmm. Told you we'd fix it. LOGAN: I know. I can't wait to crash it again. CLAY: Hey, about what you said earlier... Do you really not care what happened to your mom and dad? LOGAN: I don't know. CLAY: Do you ever think about your dad? LOGAN: I guess sometimes I think about what he might be like. CLAY: And what do you think? LOGAN: Promise you won't laugh? CLAY: Promise. LOGAN: Well, I like to think that he's a superhero, like in "X-Men," out fighting bad guys. Or he's a secret agent, and he's got a flying car and a jet pack and stuff. CLAY: Would you settle for a regular agent... The non-secret kind? LOGAN: I guess. I just hope that maybe one day he'll come home. Then maybe neither of us will be sad anymore. CLAY: Logan, you know my problem. You know, I wander around like I'm someone else. Well... Dr. "A" was able to help me figure out why I was doing it. LOGAN: And how come? CLAY: Well, a few years ago, something bad happened. I lost someone that I loved very, very much... My wife. When it happened, my brain just made me forget things that reminded me of her so I'd be less sad. But... now my brain wants me to remember. The person that I lost, Logan, was your mom. I'm your father. You're... you're my son. I-I know I don't have a flying car or anything, but... I'd really like to be a part of your life. And I'd really like it if you'd be a part of mine. Would you like that? Logan? LOGAN: No. COUNCIL Chase gets out. Chris waits him. CHASE: I'm out. CHRIS: What?! That is such a load of crap! You know, Chris Keller thinks that those jackasses weakened our nation today! CHASE: Could have been a lot worse. I was only given a general discharge, not a dishonorable one. So I got that going for me. Now I just have to hope they don't send me to prison for the next three years. (Chuck and his mother joins them) CHUCK: They're not going to. Right, mom? CHUCK'S MOTHER: No. They're not. Wade's been arrested. I reported him to the police and told them that you acted in defense of Chuck. CHUCK: Is the air force still gonna let you fly planes? CHASE: No, Chuck. At least not for them. CHUCK So what I said didn't mean anything. CHASE: Hey... What you said meant everything. MOUTH'S APARTMENT Mouth wakes Skills up. MOUTH: You, wake up. SKILLS: Baby, please, I am not from havana. MOUTH: Skills. SKILLS: What up? MOUTH: You want to go to the gym? SKILLS: For sure, my chubby buddy. MOUTH: What the hell do you dream about? SKILLS: What? BRULIAN'S HOUSE/HALEY'S CAR Brooke and Haley are at phone together. HALEY(at phone): He did what? BROOKE(at phone): Xavier scared the hell out of me and then told me I need to leave him alone. HALEY(at phone): Did he tell you or threaten you? BROOKE(at phone): Both. I don't know. It felt pretty threatening and creepy. HALEY(at phone): Brooke, you need to call the police. BROOKE(at phone): They're not gonna do anything except for maybe set him off. HALEY(at phone): Well, what does Julian think? BROOKE(at phone): I didn't tell him. HALEY(at phone): Brooke! BROOKE(at phone): Haley, if I tell Julian, he's gonna go after Xavier and then either murder him or get murdered by him, and either way, my boys grow up without a father. HALEY(at phone): What are you gonna do? BROOKE(at phone): I don't know. Let's talk about something else. Did everything go okay with you? HALEY(at phone): Um, yeah. Considering the circumstances... Everything went great. Um... It's just kind of up to Dan now, I guess. BROOKE(at phone): What happened to our world? BRULIAN'S HOUSE Brooke goes to see her babies. BROOKE: What are you doing awake? Huh? Hey. Hey. It's okay. Oh, it's okay. Mommy's here. And she always will be. SOUND STAGE Dan threatens Billy. BILLY: You're dead. You know that? Dead! DAN: There's something you should know about me. I don't do well with threats. You see, I'm gonna find my son whether you talk or not. They only thing is...Will you still be breathing when I do? Now, I'm gonna ask you a few questions, and you feel free to scream out the answers. See... That's the good news about having your own sound stage. No one can hear you scream. CLAY'S CAR Quinn comforts Clay. HALEY'S CAR Haley stops the music. BRULIAN'S HOUSE Julian and Brooke sleep and babies' mobile plays "rock-a-bye baby". Xavier holds a baby in his arms. XAVIER: "...and down will come baby cradle and all" End of the episode.

Plan: A: Haley; Q: Who partners up with Dan to search for Nathan? A: their family; Q: Who does Brooke and Julian take new measures to protect? A: Chase; Q: Who faces consequences for defending Chuck? A: Skills; Q: Who helps Mouth get to a turning point? A: a turning point; Q: What does Skills help Mouth get to? A: Clay; Q: Who reveals his past to Logan? A: The Blood Brothers; Q: What band is the episode named after? Summary: Haley partners up with Dan to help search for Nathan. Brooke and Julian take new measures to protect their family. Chase faces consequences for defending Chuck. Skills helps Mouth get to a turning point. Clay reveals his past to Logan. Episode is named after a song by the band The Blood Brothers .

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Paul : Alex has to be better, or we're gonna be in serious trouble here. Julian : She will be. Alex : I'm letting everyone down, and I don't get drunk when I'm sad. I sleep with boys. You want to get out of here? Millicent : My name is Millicent. I keep telling everybody I'm fine, and I'm not fine. Miranda : So, let me get this straight. You don't want to make a record because it's too personal? Grubbs : That's right. Miranda : Personal sells albums. So, make a record with me. Clay : I loved you so much, Sara. Sara : You were perfect with me... and you always will be. Haley : Are you okay, mom? Lydia : I have cancer. Haley : Oh, no, no, no. Lydia : It's pancreatic. So I've accepted it. Taylor : You're giving up. Lydia : No, I am not giving up. Taylor : Maybe Quinn can take a picture of it. We can just add it to this stupid box. Haley : Taylor. Tay. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Lydia : I, uh, know that we haven't had a family breakfast in a long time, but, um, I seem to remember that there used to be at least some talking and, uh, you know, eating the last few times we've done this. I don't know. Call me crazy. Haley : I'm sorry, mom. It's just hard for us to... Lydia : I know, honey, but... I just want to enjoy a breakfast with my favorite people in the world. Okay? Haley : Okay. Lydia : Good. There he is. Finally, someone with a personality. Ahh! Jamie : So, what's for breakfast? Lydia : For you, a little bit of everything. Jamie : Ooh, my favorite. What's everyone staring at? Lydia : I think it's because that was the last piece of bacon. But don't you worry about it. They had their chance. Come with me. I want to show you something, okay? I would like to thank all of you for this scintillating breakfast conversation. You know, it's moments like these that we're supposed to remember. AT THE HOTEL ROOM Alexander : Hey, come back to bed. Alex : Why are you still here? Alexander : Ouch. Well, someone's a little feisty. I like it. You know, to be honest, we could've used a little more of that last night. Alex : What's that supposed to mean? Alexander : Well, you got to admit, I did most of the work. It's okay, though. I mean, I slept like a baby. Alex : Good for you. You know who didn't sleep like a baby? Me. I got exactly 26 minutes of sleep, and I'm filming eight scenes today. Alexander : Well, I refuse to apologize for my exceptional stamina. Alex : I'm not talking about that! I'm talking about that. The horrible noise. Alexander : I think it's called music. Alex : No, when it comes through a hotel-room wall, it's called noise. Alexander : So, you're not coming back to bed? Alex : Let me try to explain this to you. I'm filming a movie right now, so I need this thing called sleep. And when I don't get sleep, I get bags under my eyes. And those bags are gonna be documented on film forever. Alexander : Yeah. Alex : Got it? Alexander : Got it. Hey, well, look on the bright side. I mean, odds are no one's even gonna see this film. Alex : Seriously, why are you still here? ON BACKSTAGE Julian : Have I been replaced already? Brooke : What? Julian : You're sitting in my chair. Brooke : Oh. I'm sorry. I thought you... Julian : No, no. Just a poorly timed joke. Brooke : You're here early. Julian : Oh, I know. I couldn't sleep. Brooke : So... figured I'd come in and try to steal your job. Julian : Um... Can I ask you something I'm not really allowed to ask anyone else? Brooke : Of course. Julian : Am I doing okay? Brooke : Are you kidding? You're doing great. Everyone is so proud of you, especially your dad and... and me. I do have one major complaint, though. You need to start dressing warmer. 'Cause if you don't, you're gonna get sick, and then you'll get all sluggish like you do, and then you'll grouch and you'll whine a little, and nobody wants that. Julian : I don't grouch. Brooke : Yes, you do. And whine. Julian : I do whine. Brooke : A little. Julian : Yeah. Brooke : Okay, well, you probably have a million fires to put out, so I'm gonna get out of your way. Thanks for letting me sit in your chair. Julian : Anytime. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Nathan : You okay? Haley : No, I'm not. She's acting like there's nothing wrong, like she's fine. Nathan : She's just trying to be strong for everyone, Haley. Haley : By giving up? Nathan : No. By accepting the situation that she's in. She seems at peace with it. Haley : Well, I'm not. It's not over. She's still here. I'm not ready to let her stop fighting. Nathan : Haley, I know this is hard, but this is her life, and the doctors told her she doesn't have much time left. Haley : So, let's get a second opinion or third or fourth. Nathan : And what happens if they say the same thing? Haley : What if they don't? Nathan : Haley. Haley : What? I... I have to believe in something right now, because without hope, I wouldn't be able to breathe. So, just let me have that, okay? If we can't find someone to help her, then at least I'll know we did everything we could. But until we know for sure, I just... I... I need that hope. Nathan : Okay. AT TOXICO CENTER Millicent : Just a few months ago, I had everything I ever wanted. But now all that seems like forever ago, because, one day, I lost my way, and I forgot who I was. But I'm trying to find my way back. I just hope I can get there someday. Thanks. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Lydia : Do you recognize this handsome guy? That's you Christmas morning. Look how little you were. Jamie : Yeah. I was a kid back then. Look, that's when I got Fletcher. He was my favorite stuffed animal. Lydia : Do you still have Fletcher? Jamie : Somewhere. Chester chewed his head off once. Mom sewed it back on. And he kind of looks weird now. Lydia : This was my favorite Christmas. I will never forget it. Jamie : Because you got lots of good presents? Lydia : Well, you could say that. I was surrounded by family, by all the people that I love most in the world. And that's the best gift anyone could ever give me. And I got to spend one last Christmas with your grandpa. That was a good day. He got you Fletcher. Jamie : I don't really remember him. Lydia : Yeah, well, you were pretty small when he died. But, boy... He loved you so much. Jamie : Do you miss him? Lydia : Every second of every day. But you know what I do to remember him? When I listen to your mom, I can hear his laugh. And when I look at your aunt Quinn, I see his eyes. And then I look at you, and I see his beautiful smile. There it is. Jamie : Maybe Christmas this year will be even better. Lydia : I hope so. But, um... I'm not gonna be with you this Christmas, Jamie. Jamie : Where will you be? Lydia : I'm... going to be with your grandpa. AT TRIC Miranda : Recorded a bunch of songs, lost the girl, and now you're afraid to make another record. Is that accurate? Grubbs : Yep, those are pretty much the bullet points of my painful existence. And thank you, by the way, for reminding me with such a cold and brief synopsis. Miranda : Can I give you some advice? Grubbs : If I say no, will you... Miranda : Get over it. The girl, the big bad record executives who hurt your feelings... just get over it. Grubbs : I wish it were that simple. Miranda : So, you're telling me there is no chance I'm gonna get you to make a record with us? Grubbs : I don't think so. Miranda : Not even 1%? Grubbs : Well, there's a 1% chance I'd do anything with you. Miranda : Excellent. That's all I need. Let's negotiate. AT THE STUDIO Julian : You wrote the script, remember? If it's putting you to sleep, you have no one to blame but yourself. Alex : I'm sorry. I was up all night. Julian : Who was he? Alex : It wasn't a he. It was a bunch of hes. Did your mind really just go there? Julian : No. Alex : Yeah, right. There's a convention in town for patio furniture sales men. Yes, apparently there are those. And lucky me, the suite right next to mine is party central for 200 middle-aged men who get to be single for a few days. They haven't stopped raging since they got here. Julian : Okay, so just switch rooms. Alex : I've tried. The stupid hotel is completely booked. I hate patio furniture. Julian : Me too. It always gets so dirty. Alex : Rehearsal's up! Julian : Alex, we have a big day today. Alex : I know. I'll be fine. I wrote the script, remember? Julian : Good. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Nathan : Hey. So, I, uh... I just spoke with our team doctor. Haley : Are you okay? Nathan : Yeah. Actually, um, I talked to him about your mom, and as it turns out, he knows one of the best oncologists in the world, and he's offered to take a look at Lydia's case. Haley : That's great. Nathan : Haley, I just want to make sure that you don't get your hopes up... you don't have to say it. Haley : Just... thank you. Nathan : You're welcome. AT QUINN'S STUDIO Quinn : So, here it is. Kind of great, huh? Clay : It's perfect. A little empty. I'm sorry. That was a stupid joke. Quinn : I just wish everything wasn't so hard with my mom right now. Clay : You know I'm the poster boy for suffering alone. But you don't have to. You know, I'm here. Quinn : I know. Thanks. I'm not avoiding it. I'm just trying to figure it all out, you know? Clay : You know, for what it's worth, you have an opportunity. You know, you still have the chance to say goodbye. I didn't have that with Sara, and I wish I did. You know, I wish I had that one moment. Quinn : Thanks. So, when do you leave for your tennis tournament? Clay : I decided not to go. I want to stay here with you. Quinn : Clay, I love that, but we both know you're building something here, okay? You have a business, and you have a client list. It's important, and you have to go. Stop. It's not an option. Come on. I promise, if anything happens, you'll be my first call. Go. Clay : Oh. Quinn : I'll be find. Clay : Okay. First call. Quinn : First call. AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Victoria : Hello, Brooke. It's a lovely day, isn't it? Oh! You look beautiful! Brooke : Mother... you're glowing. Victoria : Am I? Brooke : Yes. In fact, you've been glowing for days. It's getting weird. Victoria : Well... I suppose... it's because I've taken a lover. Brooke : Here we go. Victoria : Oh, he's a gentle, passionate lover. Brooke : Okay, I don't need details. Please. It's Paul, right? I've seen you two flirting with each other on set, and I just... ugh! Victoria : A lady doesn't kiss and tell, honey. Brooke : Well, it seems to me like you're kissing and telling right now. Victoria : Well, no. You asked why I was glowing, so I told you. Brooke : You're right. My mistake. I'm gonna get back to work now and try to extract a certain horrifying image from my mind. Victoria : Good luck with that. Me? I'm going to go and try to keep a certain image very much in my mind. Brooke : Gross! Say hi to gentle Paul for me. OUTSIDE Owen : Hey, Millie, wait up. Millicent : I got to be honest... I didn't expect to see anybody I knew here. Owen : Well, look, if it's weird for you, we can arrange it so we're here on separate days. Millicent : No. It's... I should be happy to see you. It's so hard to get up in front of bunch of strangers and explain to them how you made a complete mess of your life. Actually, it's comforting to know that you have someone there listening, someone who understands what you're going through. Owen : I'm proud of you for standing up there and sharing your story. Millicent : Thanks. I still don't know how I let it get to this point. Owen : I don't know. It all becomes a blur. The amazing thing is you realized that your life was unmanageable. Just being here is the biggest step you've ever taken. Millicent : Thanks, Owen. You have no idea how much that helps. Owen : Actually, I do. Look, you ever need someone to lean on, you can call me. I'll be there. Millicent : Okay. AT MOUTH'S APPARTMENT Mouth : Dude, I told you to cover me with a sniper rifle. Why are you equipped with an RPD? Really? I should shut the hell up? Why don't you take a look at my kill ratio and see who owns you? Yeah, that's what I thought. Lauren : Who you talking to? Mouth : Sorry. Uh, that was... that was Skills. Lauren : Oh. Mouth : We, uh... we get a little competitive. Lauren : Yeah, no, I can see that. You think he's checking out your kill ratio right now? Mouth : Yeah, just, uh, pretend you didn't hear that. Um, thanks for picking up lunch, by the way. Lauren : Sure. How's he doing? Mouth : He's good. I mean, he's not good at this game, obviously, but... wait, are you two not talking? Lauren : Yeah, not so much. And when we do talk, it's not really the same. But, I mean, that's okay. Guess it's only natural we'd drift apart, right? Mouth : Distance is hard. It's all hard. I mean, look at me and Millie. We live together, but she feels so far away. I mean, I felt closer when I lived in Omaha. Lauren : Maybe you're right. It's just, the idea of starting over sounds so scary to me. I will probably just stop dating. Mouth : I had a date the other night. Lauren : Really? Mouth : Yeah. It was bizarre. It was like this weird kind of '80s movie. But I don't know. She was cool. She even wants to go out again, but it just doesn't feel right because of Millie. Lauren : That's understandable. You know what? When you're ready, you'll just know. And until then, you do have that pretty impressive kill ratio. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Haley : Hey, buddy. Where's grandma? Jamie : She's resting. Haley : You doing okay what's wrong? Jamie : I don't want grandma to die. IN BACKSTAGE Alex : Are you stalking me now? Alexander : Relax. Brooke needed me here to do some adjustments to the wardrobe. I'm here strictly on business. Unless, of course, you want to go play in your trailer. Alex : Nothing sounds worse to me right now. Actually, I take that back. Josh : Did you see Brooke Davis's mom? I would totally hit that. I'm not even kidding. Right now, today, I would hit that. Alex : That is so sweet. Is there a woman out there you wouldn't sleep with? Josh : Eh, depends on the day. And while we're on the subject, actually, I have something kind of sensitive I need to talk to you about. Our love scene today... it's supposed to be pretty hot. I hope it doesn't bother you if I get a little excited. It's involuntary, and let's face it, you kind of do it for me. Alex : Josh. Let me be very clear with you. If I feel anything brushing up against me under those sheets, you will remember the pain that I inflict on it for the rest of your life. Got it? Josh : She's kind of feisty. Alexander : Yeah, tell me about it. AT MOUTH'S APPARTMENT Mouth : Okay, you're officially worse than Antwon, and that is saying a lot. No, no, no, no. The left trigger aims. The right trigger shoots. So you just want to... and you're dead... again. Don't worry, you'll re-spawn any second. Lauren : Why don't I get a headset? Mouth : Trust me, you're not ready for that. Lauren : Oh, I think I am. Mouth : Okay. Do not say you weren't warned. Lauren : Okay, this is officially the most uncool thing that I have ever done. I love it. Hey, what do I say? Should I brag about my kill ratio? Mouth : I would stay away from that one. Lauren : Okay. Um, h... hello, other players in the shooting game. Anybody there? Oh, hi! Yeah, yeah, I'm a girl. Um, jeans. What do you mean, what kind of underwear am I wearing? Oh, my God. Oh, that's disgusting! Mouth : You had enough? Lauren : Who are these people? They are pure evil. And you're one of them. Mouth : No! Lauren : Yes, you are. Millicent : I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. Mouth : Uh, I'll be right back. Lauren : You know what? I... I have some things I need to do. I'll just see you later. Okay. Mouth : Hey. You okay? Millicent : Yeah. I'm fine. I just didn't realize you and Lauren were so close. Mouth : We're just friends. Millicent : Okay. It's none of my business anyway. You can be friends with whoever you want. Besides, it's not like we're together anymore, so who really cares? Mouth : I guess just me. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Haley : She told Jamie. Nathan : How is he? Haley : He's okay. He's sleeping. Nathan : Well, that's her decision, Haley. Haley : We're his parents. It should be our decision. He's just a kid, you know? He shouldn't have to deal with all this pain. Aren't we supposed to be protecting him from this kind of stuff? Nathan : Maybe it's good for him to be prepared, to know that he doesn't have a lot of time with his grandma. Haley : And what if she gets better? Lydia : I'm not gonna get better, Haley. Hey, Nathan, would you mind, um... Nathan : Yeah, sure. Lydia : You're angry because I told Jamie. Haley : Not angry. I'm just upset... About everything. Lydia : I needed him to know the truth, Hales. Haley : Okay. I just wish we could've done it together. Mom, he's been through a lot. Lydia : I get that. I'm sorry. Haley : Okay. Lydia : I know that you think I've given up. Haley : You just seem so okay with all of this. Lydia : No, I'm not okay. I'm... I'm at peace with it. You know, I fought hard. I... God, I promise you, I... And then, one day, I just... I realized that I had to stop fighting and I had to start enjoying the time that I had left. And that's all I'm trying to do. Haley : Can I ask you for something, even though I know it's something that you don't want to hear? Will you please let me give your medical records to Nathan's doctor so that somebody can take a look at it? Lydia : It's just... it's not gonna make any difference. Haley : It may not, but I'm not ready to lose you yet, mom, so if there's anybody out there who can do something, I have to take that chance. Will you please do that for me? Lydia : Okay. You can give him my medical records... on one condition. When he comes back with the same diagnosis, I need you to accept it, okay? Like I've accepted it. And, hopefully, then we can at least try to enjoy the time I have left... together, all of us. Please? Do that for me? IN BACKSTAGE Julian : Oh, hey, there you are. You kind of disappeared for a while. Brooke : I was just trying to stay out of your way. Julian : I don't remember telling you to stay out of my way. Brooke : Well, you had to shoot that big s*x scene with Alex and Josh, and I didn't really want to be around for that. Julian : Ohh. It turned out pretty well, I think. Although, at one point, Josh did let out a girlish shriek, and then Alex stormed off to her trailer for 10 minutes. Not really sure what that was. Brooke : Actors. Julian : Yeah. So, thanks for the sweater. Brooke : Yeah, it's no big deal. I mean, it's yours. I figured you might want it. Julian : Thanks Brooke : So, get this. I think that my mom and your dad have become lovers. Julian : We did kind of see this coming. Brooke : Yeah. Apparently, your dad is quite gentle. Julian : What? Brooke : Not to mention extremely passionate. Julian : Why are you doing this to me? Brooke : Because I had to suffer through it alone. Now we can at least be equally traumatized. Julian : Thank you. Brooke : Yeah. Wouldn't it be weird if they ended up together? Julian : Honestly, I'm kind of envious of them. At least they're going for it, right? Brooke : Yeah. Julian : All right, I gotta run, but thanks again for the sweater, Brooke. Brooke : Mm-hmm. AT TRIC Miranda : Okay, you'll have complete creative control, you'll keep publishing, and here's where we got a little overly generous. 51% of profits and 35% of merchandising. Grubbs : Uh, m... merchandising? You're gonna make t-shirts with my face on them? Miranda : We're gonna make a lot of things with your face on them. We can talk about the beard later. All you have to do is sign right here. Grubbs : Well, you haven't heard my list of demands yet. Miranda : What else? What the hell is that? Grubbs : Pickled eggs, of course. Miranda : Why would something like that exist? Grubbs : For times like this. My first demand... eat one. Miranda : You can't be serious. You're serious. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Nathan : Hey, buddy. Look at all this cool stuff. Jamie : Yeah, I'm just going through some old things. Nathan : Okay. Now we're talking. Did I ever tell you that I'm a wiffle ball legend? Jamie : Yeah, a bunch of times. Nathan : Right. You know, when I was your age, your grandpa Dan... he built me a miniature Fenway Jamie : Park in the backyard. Even had a green monster, a pesky pole. It was pretty awesome. And then Grandma Deb made you tear it down because it was so ugly. Nathan : Guess I need so new stories. You all right, buddy? Is there anything you want to talk about? Jamie : I'm fine. I'm just a little busy right now. Don't worry. I still like your stories. Nathan : If you need me, I'm here. Okay? AT MOUTH'S APPARTMENT Owen : Mouth. Mouth : Owen. What are you doing here? Owen : I'm here to pick up Millie. Mouth : Right. AT TRIC Miranda : Arrgh, me Matey. Grubbs : All right, that... that was terrible. And you are gonna have to work on your pirate speak. But at least we're getting somewhere. Miranda : You know, I did everything on your made-up list of demands. I ate that disgusting egg... Grubbs : It doesn't sound to me like you're working on your pirate speak. Miranda : I ate the egg. I washed your mugs with me hands. Even though they were perfectly clean and didn't need it. Grubbs : There were few water spots. Miranda : And I called your voicemail pretending to be a very satisfied sexual partner begging for one more night. Grubbs : I can't wait to play that in public. Miranda : There. You happy? I did everything you asked me to. So we're good? Grubbs : We're up to a single. Miranda : Most people would kill for a record contract. Grubbs : Here's the thing, Miranda. Writing and performing music for me is like... it's like standing naked in a crowd. Miranda : You're being a little dramatic. Grubbs : Okay, maybe I'm in my underwear. But the point is, I'm still vulnerable. And it wasn't just about a girl. It was about the guy that I became. I didn't like him, and neither did anyone else. And I would rather not see him come back. AT MOUTH'S APPARTMENT Lauren : Hello? Mouth : Hey. Lauren : Hey. Oh, who's playing? Mouth : Syracuse and Virginity Tech. Lauren : Okay, that sounds like an intriguing match-up. Who's winning? Mouth : Owen. Lauren : And Owen is... Mouth : The guy who's out with Millie right now. Lauren : Ahh. And I take it you're jealous? Mouth : Of course I'm jealous. But mostly I'm just worried, because she doesn't need to be hanging out with an addict right now. Especially not the same addict who took her virginity. Lauren : Oh. Ohh, is that why you said Syracuse was playing... Mouth : Yeah. Lauren : Got it. Look, Mouth... You broke up with her, right? So she's gonna live her life. And she should. She can see whoever she wants. But if that bothers you, then just tell her. Because maybe that means it's not over for you yet. OUTSIDE Owen : So, you really think it's over between you and Mouth? Millicent : Honestly, I try not to think about it, 'cause there's nothing I can do right now. Owen : You sure about that? Millicent : I don't know. I mean, the reason we broke up is all my fault, so my hands are pretty much tied. All I can do is wait to be forgiven. I can tell you what I hope will happen, but I have no way of knowing if he'll ever be able to look at me the way he used to. That's why I try not to think about it. Owen : You know, we should do something fun. Millicent : Like what? Owen : I don't know. We'll figure something out. Come on. Millicent : Aww. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Haley : Oh, my gosh! Where did you find this? Was it in those boxes? Jamie : Yeah, grandma gave it to me. Haley : Yeah. I haven't see this photo in forever. Look at my hair. I mean, I know it was early morning, but geez. Hey, listen, buddy. I know how hard this must be for you. So, if you need to cry, it's okay. Jamie : I'm not crying for me. I'm crying for you. Your mom's gonna die. The one thing I never want to lose is you or daddy. We're not going anywhere. Haley : I'm not going anywhere, I promise. Lydia : You're taking good care of my daughter. Ooh, I remember the day you came to ask our permission to marry her. You were so nervous. Nathan : Yeah. Lydia : But I looked into your eyes, and I just knew. Nathan : What did you know? Lydia : That were gonna change my daughter's life. And I was right. Nathan : You were responsible for raising the woman that changed my entire world. I'll never forget that, Lydia, ever. Thank you for saying yes. AT THE BOWLING Owen : Oh, come on! That's just not possible. Millicent : What's not possible? Are you referring to my three consecutive strikes or just that particular strike? Owen : All of the above. Millicent : Ah! Owen : Just glad we didn't put money on it. This was a bad idea. Millicent : No, this was a really good idea. Thanks for cheering me up, Owen. I needed it. Owen : God! Millicent : I can't even remember the last time I laughed. Owen : You know he's not gone yet. Mouth. You shouldn't give up on him. And you can't just sit around waiting for him to forgive you. Look, I understand. As an addict, I've ruined a lot of important relationships in my life. That's why, if he's important to you, you got to at least try to get him back. Millicent : I don't know how to get him back. Owen : Just remind him of the girl he fell in love with. Show him you're still that girl... Or that you're working hard to try to find her. You do that, I guarantee he'll look at you the way he used to. Millicent : Do you mind if we get going? Owen : Not at all. You're killing me anyway. This is embarrassing. Millicent : Thank you, Owen. AT THE PHONE Quinn : How's it going? Clay : This place is crawling with agents. They're like vultures. Quinn : Well, just remember, you're one of them. Are you circling anyone right now? Clay : I've had a few meetings. I really missed you. I needed to hear your voice. Quinn : Really? Clay : Yeah. Quinn : I like that. And I miss you, too. Clay : Hey, babe, I gotta go. I have a few more players to meet with, but I'm coming home tomorrow. Quinn : I'll be waiting. Bye. Clay : All right, bye. Hey, that was a great match. AT TRIC Haley : Hey, Grubbs. Miranda says you're torturing her. Knock it off, okay? Grubbs : Really? Haley : No. I'm kind of loving it. Hi, friendly faces. Do you guys mind if I play third wheel for a little while? I'm not ready to go home yet. Mouth : Yeah, you just missed my Millie rant. Haley : I want to hear the Millie rant. Brooke : Oh, we've moved on to the Julian rant. Haley : Ooh, great. Can you at least start from the beginning? Brooke : You didn't miss much. I was just saying that sometimes our relationship seems so simple and easy. But no matter what, it just turns into a big mess. And there are days that I want to dive into that mess, but then, other days, I can't help but wonder if maybe we're just two people who don't work as a couple. Haley : But you love him, right? Brooke : Like you don't even know. Haley : Then don't wait. Life's too short to play games. If you love somebody and you want to be with them, then go get them. Deal with the mess later. We don't know what tomorrow will bring. Miranda : Well... here I am. Standing in front of a crowd in my underwear. Brooke : Whoa. Grubbs : Feeling vulnerable? Miranda : I'm hot, and you're talented. And if I can do it, so can you. Which is the reason I'm standing here... because I believe in you. Maybe it's time for you to believe in yourself. Bugger off. AT THE HOTEL BAR Alex : Mmm. Julian : Wow. Alex : Sorry. Bad habit. Julian : You're forgiven. It was a long day. But at least we got through it, right? Alex : Barely. I'm so tired. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be better-rested. Julian : I can't believe a bunch of patio-furniture salesmen kept you up all night. Alex : Actually, it wasn't just the patio-furniture guys. I kind of slept with Alexander last night. Julian : Oh. Alex : "Oh"? Why'd you say it like that? Julian : How did I say it? Alex : I don't know, kind of sad-sacky, like maybe you're a little jealous. Julian : Alex... Alex : I'm kidding. Relax. Let's change the subject. How are things with Brooke? Julian : Obviously, we still love each other. But every time we get too close, one of us puts up a wall. Julian : And it's not easy being on the other side of that wall. Alex : So tear down the wall. Julian : You don't understand. When Brooke Davis puts up a wall, that thing's not coming down until she's ready. Alex : And you have to wait. That's fair. I got to get some sleep. Julian, if I thought you and Brooke were really just friends, Alexander wouldn't have been the one in my bed last night. Good night. Julian : Alex... I'll walk you to your room. AT THE HOTEL Brooke : Hmm. Man : Can I help you? Brooke : I lost my key. I'm staying with my boyfriend, Julian Baker. Man : Oh, well, um, it says here you guys broke up. Brooke : Oh, please, that story is so last week. Man : Oh, thank God. You know what? Can I tell you a secret? Brooke : I wish you wouldn't. Man : I've always rooted for you two. Brooke : Really? Man : Yeah. Brooke : Can I get that key? AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Haley : Hey. What's up? Nathan : Just heard from the doctor. There's nothing they can do for her. Haley : Okay. I just thought... Nathan : I know. I know. I'm so sorry, baby. I wish I could change this for you. OUTSIDE Mouth : Hey, I know it's late. I was just thinking... We don't know what tomorrow will bring. Sometimes you just have to go for it, and that's what I'm doing. I want to go out with you... on a date. AT TRIC Grubbs : Um... promise me one thing. If I start to change or if I start to become that guy that nobody likes... Miranda : you won't. I'm gonna make sure u stay exactly who you are... 'Cause that's a person worth protecting. IN THE COURT Clay : Excuse me. Are you Katie Ryan? AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Jamie : Now we can spend Christmas together. Lydia : It's okay, sweetheart. Show me what we got here. Oh, thanks, buddy. Jamie : You got a sword. Lydia : Oh, thank you.

Plan: A: Nathan; Q: Who tries to help Haley and Jamie confront Lydia's seemingly hopeless situation? A: their volatile relationship; Q: What do Brooke and Julian navigate? A: Miranda; Q: Who tries to prove to Grubbs that she's the right person to produce his album? A: Owen; Q: Who returns to help Millicent? A: a recent problem; Q: What does Owen help Millicent with? A: Bright Eyes; Q: What band is this episode named after? Summary: Nathan tries to help Haley and Jamie confront Lydia's seemingly hopeless situation, while Brooke and Julian navigate their volatile relationship in the midst of a hectic movie shoot. Meanwhile, Clay and Quinn spend some time apart, and Miranda tries to prove to Grubbs that she's the right person to produce his album. Owen returns to help Millicent with a recent problem. This episode is named after a song by Bright Eyes .

DOCTOR WHO AND THE SILURIANS BY: MALCOLM HULKE 5:15pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: EXT. HOSPITAL DRIVEWAY (The DOCTOR and the BRIGADIER are driving at top speed in Bessie down the road and then the driveway of the nearby hospital. As they approach, the BRIGADIER points out a figure in a dressing gown stumbling out from the hospital near the circular termination to the driveway. As the car pulls up by him they recognise a haggard-looking Major Baker, who collapses onto the gravel. The DOCTOR and BRIGADIER jump out of Bessie and rush to examine him. His face is now entirely covered with scabs and boils.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART: Is he dead? (The DOCTOR looks up.) DOCTOR: Yes...the first one. (A HOSPITAL DOCTOR and a nurse rush out of the hospital and round a rose bed which marks the middle of the circle in the drive. They briefly look round and then spot the DOCTOR and the BRIGADIER.) HOSPITAL DOCTOR: What's going on here? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Keep back. (He stands between the HOSPITAL DOCTOR and the dead Major.) HOSPITAL DOCTOR: What do you mean, "keep back"? This man is ill. DOCTOR: This man is dead. He was killed by an alien disease. HOSPITAL DOCTOR: (Surprised.) Alien? (The HOSPITAL DOCTOR thrusts past the BRIGADIER and kneels down to examine the Major. The BRIGADIER draws his service pistol from its holster and trains it in the direction of the HOSPITAL DOCTOR.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Inside. (The HOSPITAL DOCTOR looks up into the barrel of the revolver. He stands and draws the nurse aside.) HOSPITAL DOCTOR: Come on. (The HOSPITAL DOCTOR and the Nurse start to return to the hospital, stopping another nurse who has run out from getting any nearer on the way.) DOCTOR: (To the BRIGADIER.) Right, you'd better get this place quarantined. I'm going back to the laboratory. (He runs back to his car.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Right. I'll stay here. (The DOCTOR drives off rapidly in Bessie, while the BRIGADIER produces his TM45 pocket radio and extends its antenna.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into radio.) UNIT leader to base. UNIT leader to base. [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH STATION. LABORATORY (Back at Wenley Moor, the DOCTOR has requisitioned the small laboratory. Wearing a lab coat, he is writing labels on slides. He moves to another bench and looks up when the door opens and LIZ - also wearing a lab coat - walks in with a tray of medical equipment.) DOCTOR: Have you finished with those prophylactic injections yet? LIZ: Yes, nearly. Do you think pumping broad-spectrum antibiotics into everyone is going to do any good? DOCTOR: Hmm, it's all we can do at the moment. (He moves back to the first bench as LIZ takes up a syringe and a swab from the tray.) LIZ: Will you roll up your sleeve please, Doctor? (The DOCTOR hastily turns to her.) DOCTOR: Well, now wait a minute, Liz... LIZ: Now you have been exposed to the infection just as much as everyone else. DOCTOR: Liz... LIZ: (Interrupts.) I know all about your different biochemistry but we don't know if it makes you immune. Now roll up your sleeve. Come on. DOCTOR: (Sighs.) Alright, alright, have it your own way. (The DOCTOR rolls up his sleeve and turns his head away while LIZ administers the injection. He appears not to notice the jab as he looks back impatiently at his own bench after wiping a bead of sweat off his brow.) LIZ: Did it hurt? (He looks at her in genuine bafflement for a moment.) DOCTOR: Did what hurt? Oh yes, it was agony. (LIZ suppresses a laugh as she turns back to her tray and the DOCTOR to his bench.) LIZ: Have you managed to identify the bacterium? DOCTOR: No not yet, I'm still waiting for that scanning microscope. (The BRIGADIER enters the lab in time to hear the DOCTOR'S next statement...) DOCTOR: It's supposed to be on its way. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: It'll be here, Doctor. DOCTOR: Well, I'm glad to hear it. Now then, how about that hospital? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: I've got the entire place cordoned off. DOCTOR: Good, and your own men? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: They've all been treated. We've sent in a medical team to help Dr. Meredith in the hospital. DOCTOR: Splendid. Has anybody else gone down with the infection? LIZ: Yes - Miss Dawson. She collapsed half an hour ago. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Yes, and the doctor and the nurse we saw at the hospital, and the ambulance man who took Baker there. Now has everyone here been inoculated? LIZ: Yes, they've all been taken care of, except Doctor Lawrence. I can't find him anywhere. DOCTOR: Yes, well I'd be very happy to lose him. What about that chap from London - Masters? LIZ: Haven't seen him either. Better go and find both of them. (LIZ leaves with her tray of antibiotics.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Do you think we'll be able to contain this disease, Doctor? DOCTOR: We may be able to contain it. The question is - can we cure it? Excuse me. (He crosses to the second table to pick up some label cards and returns to his own bench with them.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: We were in contact with Baker. Does that mean that we're infected too? DOCTOR: Can't be sure, Brigadier. Can't be sure of anything. (He notices that the BRIGADIER is staring intently at his work. He looks at the soldier meaningfully until he takes the hint.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Oh...I'd better let you get on with it. DOCTOR: Thank you. (LIZ enters again in a concerned hurry before he can leave.) LIZ: Masters is gone. DOCTOR: Gone where? LIZ: He caught the London train. He must be nearly there by now. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Right, I'll get onto it. Maybe we can get him at the station. Will you come with me, Miss Shaw? LIZ: Oh, I'm helping the Doctor. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: I'll need help manning the phones. LIZ: I am a scientist, not an office boy! BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: You're a member of UNIT, Miss Shaw, and you'll do as you're told! LIZ: (Shouts.) I will not be spoken to in that way! DOCTOR: (Placating.) Liz ...? LIZ: Doctor! DOCTOR: Go with him, please. Anyone who's been in contact with Masters has got to be quarantined. He may spread that disease all over the country. LIZ: Fair enough. (Convinced, she follows the BRIGADIER out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. MARYLEBONE RAILWAY STATION (MASTERS leaves the train at Marylebone Station, announcements sounding on the tannoy public address system. He stands somewhat dazed on the platform as the other passengers walk past him. He puts a hand to his forehead, blinks, shrugs his overcoat on his shoulders and sets off at a pace down the platform. Halfway down, he stops again as if slightly overcome. Overtaking passengers look at him in puzzlement and move on. MASTERS follows them pas the front of the train and towards the ticket barrier and the uniformed guard there. MASTERS is the only passenger not ready with his ticket. He delves into his overcoat pocket searching for the stub. He finds it but almost immediately drops it on the floor. He picks it up, hands it over and walks somewhat unsteadily onto the main concourse past a news stand and various parked vehicles. There, he is overcome by dizziness once more and momentarily leans on one of the cast iron pillars for support. He has a slight look of stupefaction on his face. Recovering, he moves on.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: EXT. MARYLEBONE RAILWAY STATION (He walks out of the station. His walk is more stumbling and erratic as he makes his way over to the taxi rank. He waves to one of the waiting vehicles and walks up to it.) TAXI DRIVER: Where to, sir? MASTERS: Ministry of Science, please. (He gets into the back of the black cab. As the taxi pulls away, a Police Jaguar with its siren blaring arrives and drives straight through an arch and onto the station concourse.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH CENTRE. LABORATORY (The DOCTOR looks on impatiently while the scanning microscope is set up by a couple of white-coated technicians.) DOCTOR: Look, er...er, please hurry, this is very important, you know. (The BRIGADIER enters.) FIRST TECHNICIAN: (To the DOCTOR.) I'm being as quick as I can, sir. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Everything alright, Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes, I think so. Now then, have they found Masters? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Not yet, they've sent a police car to the station. DOCTOR: Yes, well, he's gotta be found and put into quarantine at once. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Doctor, suppose I'm a carrier? DOCTOR: No, I don't think you are. So far the antibiotics have kept the disease in check. (To the technicians.) Have you finished? (The second technician nods and looks to his companion who is checking the monitor of the scanning microscope.) DOCTOR: Good, splendid. (The first technician is satisfied with his findings.) FIRST TECHNICIAN: Yes. DOCTOR: Thank you. (They leave the laboratory as the DOCTOR pulls up a stool and sits before the main part of the microscope, adjusting the device.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: What do you think the Silurians will do now, Doctor? DOCTOR: Well it's hard to say really. I think they'll lie low for a while, and let the disease really get to work. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Well I've got men at all the cave mouths, and I've sent for reinforcements so we'll be ready for them if they do try anything. (The DOCTOR turns to him.) DOCTOR: Brigadier, at all costs we must avoid a pitched battle! (He turns back to the equipment.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: You don't still think we can co-exist with the Silurians, do you? DOCTOR: Well don't forget that one of them released me, which is giving us our only chance of defeating this disease. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Maybe one of the Silurians is friendly but the rest seem determined to wipe us out. DOCTOR: Yes. (He snaps at the soldier.) DOCTOR: Look, Brigadier, I've got a great deal of work to do! BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Yes, of course. (The BRIGADIER leaves him and he returns once more to his newly-delivered equipment.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. SILURIAN BASE. CONTROL ROOM (The still corpse of the Old Silurian lies on the floor of the control room. The YOUNG SILURIAN enters and looks down at his predecessor as two other SILURIANS exchange shocked looks. The YOUNG SILURIAN looks towards them.) YOUNG SILURIAN: Remove the body. (The two SILURIANS hesitate.) YOUNG SILURIAN: (Fiercely.) I am the leader now! (The two SILURIANS step forward and drag the corpse of the Old Silurian leader from the control room. When they have gone, the YOUNG SILURIAN whispers fiercely to himself...) YOUNG SILURIAN: I...am the leader now! (He sees the SILURIAN SCIENTIST in the entrance passageway watching the body being carried away. He barks at him...) YOUNG SILURIAN: Has the disease reduced the numbers of these apes? SILURIAN SCIENTIST: Their resistance may be stronger. They may even develop a cure. YOUNG SILURIAN: The disease will be beyond the understanding of their science. SILURIAN SCIENTIST: We cannot be sure. (He switches on the vision panel. On it appears an image of the DOCTOR in the laboratory.) SILURIAN SCIENTIST: That Doctor - the one who took the sample of bacteria - was a highly intelligent specimen. YOUNG SILURIAN: (Dismissive.) They're only apes! They will not develop a cure. [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH STATION. CONFERENCE ROOM (LIZ is working on some papers at the main table. Overcome somewhat, she drops her pens and puts her head in her hand. She hears the Conference Room door opening and looks up. The eternally dour and sneering figure of DR. LAWRENCE enters. He looks sardonically at LIZ, closes the door and walks in.) DR. LAWRENCE: Time hanging heavy on your hands, Miss Shaw? LIZ: We're waiting to hear from London. DR. LAWRENCE: (Sarcastically.) Oh, a matter of life and death, no doubt. LIZ: Exactly that. DR. LAWRENCE: Where's the Brigadier? LIZ: He's with the Doctor. The scanning microscope has arrived. DR. LAWRENCE: Oh, how pleasant to be able to obtain, er, expensive pieces of scientific equipment so easily. LIZ: (Unfazed.) Can I help you at all, Dr. Lawrence? DR. LAWRENCE: I doubt it. I have a complaint to bring to the Brigadier. LIZ: A complaint? DR. LAWRENCE: Yes. My establishment has been brought to a complete standstill. My staff are suffering the ill-effects of a series of compulsory injections, and... LIZ: (Interrupts.) You haven't had your own injections yet, have you? DR. LAWRENCE: No, nor do I intend to. LIZ: But you've got to have them. It's for your own good. DR. LAWRENCE: Rubbish. Why should I waste my time having useless injections against an imaginary epidemic? (LIZ'S tried patience starts to fray...) LIZ: Dr. Lawrence, it is quite clear that the disease exists. Major Baker is dead. DR. LAWRENCE: (Coldly.) He may have been ill for some time. I should be interested to see the results of the post-mortem. (LIZ is almost amused...) LIZ: Dr. Lawrence, you must admit there are... DR. LAWRENCE: (Interrupts.) I will admit nothing. (He heads for the door.) DR. LAWRENCE: There is no epidemic. LIZ: Dr. Lawrence, please listen to me! DR. LAWRENCE: (Interrupts.) You will excuse me, Miss Shaw. (DR. LAWRENCE turns to stalk out of the conference room, and as he goes through one of the double-doors the BRIGADIER enters through the other. LAWRENCE goes on his way as though he hasn't seen the BRIGADIER, his complaint forgotten. The BRIGADIER looks to LIZ who raises her hands in despair.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Now what's the matter with him? (One of the phones on the desk rings, and LIZ reaches to pick it up. She hands the phone to the BRIGADIER who pulls up a seat on the other side of the table. She suddenly looks weary as if the effects of the plague are starting to get to her.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) Lethbridge-Stewart? (He listens.) Yes. (Listens.) When? (Listens.) I see. (Listens.) Alright, alright, I suggest you get on with it. (Listens.) Yes, I know London's a big place! (The BRIGADIER puts the phone down and pulls his chair closer to the desk as he sits down.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Police just missed Masters at the station. LIZ: Well, did anyone see him? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: A ticket collector remembers someone who might have been Masters. Said he looked very ill. Anyway, he got a taxi and drove off. LIZ: Well, then they're sure to find him. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Do you know how many taxis there are in London? And how many men who look more or less like Masters? [SCENE_BREAK] 8: EXT. LONDON STREET (A police car speeds along a London street, its siren blaring. It shoots past MASTERS' taxi as it pulls up near the Ministry of Science. MASTERS gets out and looks distant as the Taxi Driver asks him for the fare.) TAXI DRIVER: Seven and six, please, sir. (MASTERS begins fumbling in his coat for a wallet.) TAXI DRIVER: Are you alright, sir? (MASTERS doesn't answer. He finds his wallet and extracts a note, passing it to the Driver.) TAXI DRIVER: Are you sure you're alright, sir? (MASTERS walks off.) TAXI DRIVER: Wait a minute, sir! You've forgotten your change, sir! (MASTERS unsteadily lurches away from the taxi, not hearing the Taxi Driver.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. MARYLEBONE RAILWAY STATION (Back at the station, the ticket collector suddenly collapses within his small booth as confused passengers stream past. One woman, about to hand her ticket in, watches with concern but is helpless. The collector manages to grab onto the side of his booth and pulls himself to his feet but he looks the worse for wear.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. CAVES (In one of the vast galleries of the Wenley Moor caves, PRIVATE WRIGHT sits against a rock, bored with his duty and chewing gum. After a moment he hears a noise and stands up. He looks into the darkness.) PRIVATE WRIGHT: Who's that? (There is no answer nor any movement. WRIGHT watches for a moment and then resumes his sit on the ground. Suddenly there is another noise. He leaps back to his feet, gun raised.) PRIVATE WRIGHT: Who's that? (PRIVATE WRIGHT loses his nerve and returns to his portable phone connecting him to the other UNIT troops.) PRIVATE WRIGHT: (Into radio.) Wright, gallery five, over! (A SILURIAN steps out of concealment a few steps away from WRIGHT and kills him with a lethal blast from the third eye. WRIGHT dies with a scream...) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. ANOTHER PART OF THE CAVES (SERGEANT HART had received PRIVATE WRIGHT'S call, and is shouting into the receiver as CAPTAIN HAWKINS and another soldier run up...) SERGEANT HART: (Into radio.) Come in, gallery five! Come in, gallery five! (To HAWKINS.) No good, sir. The line's gone dead. (He hangs up the phone as other soldiers descend by a pot-holing ladder into the cave.) CAPTAIN HAWKINS: Well, what did he say? SERGEANT HART: Just gave his name and the gallery number, sir. CAPTAIN HAWKINS: Then we'd better go in after him. (HAWKINS is about to depart for gallery five. HART grabs him gently and speaks softly out of earshot of the other soldiers...) SERGEANT HART: Brigadier's orders were to stay here, sir. CAPTAIN HAWKINS: I want to know what happened to that man. (He runs back to the other soldiers.) CAPTAIN HAWKINS: Corporal! CORPORAL NUTTING: Sir! CAPTAIN HAWKINS: Take over here. Come on, Sergeant! [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. CAVES (The SILURIAN that killed PRIVATE WRIGHT hears the approach of SERGEANT HART, who is shouting out at the top of his voice, and hides behind a rock.) SERGEANT HART: (OOV: Shouts.) Wright! Wright! (Announcing his presence thus, SERGEANT HART, followed by CAPTAIN HAWKINS, emerges into the gallery. SERGEANT HART: Wright! (They see the body of PRIVATE WRIGHT sprawled on a rock. The SILURIAN jumps out at HART and HAWKINS, again blasting with the third eye. HART is trapped directly in the field of the SILURIAN'S eye, while HAWKINS dodges to one side and is saved by taking cover. As HART collapses with a scream, HAWKINS lets off a round from his pistol, but the SILURIAN steps back and the shot ricochets harmlessly. The SILURIAN retreats from the gallery and HAWKINS looks into the darkness with his pistol raised.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. SILURIAN BASE. CONTROL ROOM (The SILURIAN operates the vision panel in the control room. An image appears of HAWKINS and the soldiers in the caves.) YOUNG SILURIAN: Look! Soldiers are guarding the exits from the caves! SILURIAN SCIENTIST: Perhaps the humans can resist the bacteria. YOUNG SILURIAN: We must recapture the one that took the sample. Without him the others will die from the disease. SILURIAN SCIENTIST: Come with me. (They walk out of the control room...) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. SILURIAN BASE. ENTRANCE PASSAGEWAY (...and down the entrance passageway.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH STATION. LABORATORY (Three technicians bring in many trays filled with small drug sample bottles while the DOCTOR sits on a small table and watches. LIZ comes in.) DOCTOR: That's excellent, thank you. (The technicians nod and leave. LIZ shuts the door after them.) LIZ: That's quite a collection. (The DOCTOR stares at the trays.) DOCTOR: One of those drugs...maybe a combination of them, will probably cure this disease. The question is - which? LIZ: Where are you going to start? DOCTOR: By finding out more about that bacterium. (Wearily, he crosses to the scanning microscope.) DOCTOR: I've already analysed it. I need to know more about its effect. Can you get me a blood specimen from someone who's been infected? LIZ: Yes, of course. (She leaves.) DOCTOR: (To himself.) I only hope I shan't be too late. [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. MARYLEBONE STATION (The disease is spreading virulently at the station. A young woman falls against a timetable board, her eyes sightless and her face covered with scabs and boils. The ticket collector, now similarly covered, staggers across the concourse and falls to the ground.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: EXT. MARYLEBONE RAILWAY STATION (A blaring ambulance tears into the station through the entrance arch.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. MARYLEBONE STATION (An unbelievable sight greets it - people fallen and others dropping like flies. An announcement is made over the tannoy in a futile attempt to maintain calm as the ambulance men leave their vehicle and try to assist those not yet affected in tending to those on the ground.) TANNOY: Attention please! Attention please! This is a police message. (A police car arrives.) TANNOY: Stay where you are. Do not attempt to leave the station. (Other people start to fall...) TANNOY: If you feel ill, assistance will be brought to you. (...their faces also covered with the tell-tale scabs and boils.) TANNOY: Attention please! Attention please! This is a police message. (As the ambulance men put people onto the inadequate number of stretchers, others fall to the floor.) TANNOY: Stay where you are. Do not attempt to leave the station. If you feel ill, assistance will be brought to you. (The situation worsens as...) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH STATION. CONFERENCE ROOM (...the BRIGADIER finishes an urgent phone call and starts another...) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH STATION. LABORATORY (...the DOCTOR continues to work on the drugs...) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH STATION. SICK BAY (...and LIZ takes the requested blood specimen from the sick ambulance man.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. MARYLEBONE STATION (The futile efforts of the emergency services continue...) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: EXT. LONDON STREET. WALKWAY (MASTERS is holding out longer than most against the plague but his end is near. His eyes blank, his legs stumbling, he staggers up a passenger walkway, oblivious to the looks of concern from a man and a woman who pass by at the sight of his boil-covered face. The sound of a police siren is heard over that of the traffic as MASTERS drops his briefcase and falls against some railings, grabbing onto the bars for support. He stares upwards, desperately trying to focus on a nearby tower block. He moves off again as two policemen run up the ramp after him. The man and woman follow them. At the top of the ramp, MASTERS cannot continue and falls down against another set of railings, this time dead. The policemen stop the man and woman from coming any nearer.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH STATION. LABORATORY (LIZ comes into the laboratory.) LIZ: Here's the blood specimen. DOCTOR: Good, splendid. (She passes him a small tube filled with the dark red liquid. The DOCTOR holds it up to the light.) DOCTOR: Who did you take it from? LIZ: That ambulance man you had brought back to the sick bay. DOCTOR: Oh? (He crosses to his bench.) DOCTOR: How is he? LIZ: Getting worse. How are you getting on? DOCTOR: Ah, no idea. We may be getting somewhere now, though. (The DOCTOR prepares several slides of the sample and adds solutions of the drugs to them. LIZ examines one of the drug sample bottles.) LIZ: They've sent you just about every drug in existence. Surely there must be something? DOCTOR: My dear girl, some of these drugs are so new they don't even know their properties yet. (The DOCTOR finishes the first slide as LIZ watches with professional interest.) DOCTOR: Right. Here goes. (The DOCTOR puts the slide under the scanning microscope, changes and lowers the lens and then the two watch the reaction of the two substances on the monitor.) DOCTOR: (Sighs.) Nope, that's no good, let's try the next one. [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH STATION. CONFERENCE ROOM (Without the help of LIZ, the BRIGADIER is having to fend for himself as the phone lines to the research centre are swamped.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) The Doctor and Miss Shaw have been working flat out for a very long time. They're tackling an immensely difficult task, under conditions of great pressure... (The other phone begins ringing...) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) ... and I do not propose to make it worse for them by breathing down their necks. Excuse me, will you? (The BRIGADIER takes the other call.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) Will you hold on please? (The BRIGADIER puts down the other phone and returns to his first caller.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) Yes, of course I'll let you know as soon as I get any result that's at all positive - goodbye. (He puts the first phone down.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH STATION. LABORATORY (The DOCTOR makes notes on his pad. LIZ is also making notes on the clipboard she carries. She is starting to look tired. The DOCTOR takes another slide across to the microscope and frowns as the sight of the solution on the monitor demonstrates that another combination of drugs has failed to evince a positive effect on the bacterium.) DOCTOR: No, that's no good. You know, I'm beginning to lose confidence for the first time in my life. And that covers several thousand years. LIZ: (Ruefully.) Well, at least you've narrowed it down to forty possible drugs. Have you considered the... addition of A-thirty-seven in the presence of Z-nineteen might well be effective? DOCTOR: Yes, that's a possibility, let's try. (LIZ brings the stated items. The DOCTOR prepares another test and puts it under microscope. Suddenly, LIZ nearly falls asleep on her feet and moaning softly, slumps against the DOCTOR.) DOCTOR: Liz, watch what... (He realises that something is wrong.) DOCTOR: You all right? LIZ: Sorry. I feel dizzy. DOCTOR: Yes, well I expect those antibiotics are wearing off. You'd better get down to the sick bay and have another...another jab. LIZ: What about you? DOCTOR: I'm all right. LIZ: Oh, come on, Doctor, I think... DOCTOR: (Interrupts forcefully.) Liz, I am all right! [SCENE_BREAK] 28: EXT. LONDON STREET. WALKWAY (MASTERS' corpse is put onto an ambulance stretcher as a crowd of people watch.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH STATION. CONFERENCE ROOM (Another conference call of the BRIGADIER'S drags on as no progress is apparent...) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) Yes. Could hardly be worse, could it? (He listens.) Right. (LIZ enters as the BRIGADIER finishes his call and puts down the phone.) LIZ: Who was that? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: The Ministry. (LIZ'S face lights up with hope for a moment.) LIZ: Masters? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: He's dead. (LIZ sinks into a chair.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Outbreaks of the disease are being reported all over London. [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH STATION. LABORATORY (The DOCTOR gets up off his lab stool. He suddenly stops. Frowning, he wipes his forehead as even he starts to feel the effects of the plague.) [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH STATION. CONFERENCE ROOM (LIZ is about to walk out of the Conference Room when the dishevelled figure of DR. LAWRENCE bursts in. He is horribly disfigured by the SILURIAN disease. His tie askew, he stares murderously at the BRIGADIER.) LIZ: Dr. Lawrence! (To the BRIGADIER.) His face! BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Sharply.) Dr. Lawrence, you really must report to the isolation ward at once. (DR. LAWRENCE has manifestly lost all reason. His voice is quiet and menacing...) DR. LAWRENCE: I've had enough of you. (The BRIGADIER stands.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: I really must insist, sir! You're endangering all of us! DR. LAWRENCE: (Hisses.) You insist! Oh, you do insist? (LAWRENCE maniacally runs up to the other side of the table as LIZ nervously watches.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Now listen... DR. LAWRENCE: (Interrupts.) Before you people came, I was director of an important research establishment. Now the place is shut down, my career's in ruins - and you are to blame! (The madness of DR. LAWRENCE is blatantly obvious as he shouts the last phrase, pointing a finger at the BRIGADIER.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Oh you're talking absolute nonsense. LIZ: Don't argue with him, I'll go and get one of the medical orderlies. (As LIZ prepares to leave the room behind him, DR. LAWRENCE jumps in her way to prevent her going.) DR. LAWRENCE: You think I don't know what's going on, don't you?! This whole business has been a plot to get rid of me! BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Oh really, Dr. Lawrence...! DR. LAWRENCE: You think? (He jumps back to the other side of the table.) DR. LAWRENCE: I know I've got enemies in the Ministry! Even Masters! LIZ: All right, Dr. Lawrence. We want to help you. DR. LAWRENCE: Well you can clear out of here - all of you! And take that crazy Doctor with you! And all of your military rubbish! (With this, LAWRENCE sweeps all of the BRIGADIER'S files off the desk and on to the floor, all remaining sense of restraint is broken.) DR. LAWRENCE: (Screams.) I'm in charge of this place! (The BRIGADIER does not react.) DR. LAWRENCE: (Screams.) Well are you going!? (LAWRENCE hurls himself onto the desk, lunging at the BRIGADIER'S neck.) DR. LAWRENCE: (Screams.) Or do I have to throw you out myself! (The BRIGADIER attempts to block DR. LAWRENCE from throttling him. He thrusts him off and the director convulses and clutches his chest, trying frantically to draw breath. After another violent shudder DR. LAWRENCE falls to the ground, his body contorted and eyes staring in death. The BRIGADIER and LIZ approach. She feels his wrist.) LIZ: He's dead. [SCENE_BREAK] 32: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH STATION. LABORATORY (The DOCTOR puts another slide under the microscope and looks at the monitor. The solution convulses and the DOCTOR looks up wide-eyed.) DOCTOR: Eureka! [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH STATION. CONFERENCE ROOM (The BRIGADIER finishes another call...) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) All right, thank you. (The BRIGADIER puts down the phone and turns to LIZ.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Bad news, Miss Shaw. (LIZ comes over from where she has been working with a soldier on a map which plots the plague outbreak.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: The first one abroad - Paris. LIZ: If we can't contain it in Britain - what chance has the world got? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: If only we'd prevented Masters from leaving here! (The DOCTOR urgently bursts in.) DOCTOR: I think I've found it. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Excitedly.) You've found the antidote? DOCTOR: Well it works in the laboratory, now let's see whether it works in practice. (LIZ gives a sigh of relief and she and the DOCTOR run out as the BRIGADIER picks up the phone.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) Hello? Get me Dr. Crawford. [SCENE_BREAK] 34: INT. SILURIAN BASE. PASSAGEWAY (The YOUNG SILURIAN and the SILURIAN SCIENTIST walk down a passageway and stop half-way down. The SCIENTIST points at the smoothed rock wall.) SILURIAN SCIENTIST: This is the closest point to the human's base. YOUNG SILURIAN: Then we will penetrate from here. (The SILURIANS both face the wall and operate their third eyes. The rock starts to smoke and blister and an opening is created with massive speed. Walking into the newly constructed tunnel, the two reptiles continue to blast at the rock that confronts their progress.) [SCENE_BREAK] 35: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH STATION. SICK BAY (A nurse leads the DOCTOR and the BRIGADIER into the sick bay where a smiling LIZ waits with the plague-infected ambulance man.) DOCTOR: You wanted to see us, Liz? LIZ: Yes, his temperature's dropped, and his pulse is normal. DOCTOR: That's excellent, excellent! (The ambulance driver seems to be come to and murmurs quietly. His face is still covered with the effects of the plague.) DOCTOR: Yeah, there's a good chap. That's it. (To LIZ.) Now you'll want to telephone that formula to London. I'll go and write it out for you straight away. LIZ: Thank you. (The DOCTOR hurries back to the laboratory.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (To LIZ.) Will the medical team be able to mass produce enough in time? LIZ: Well, they've been standing by for hours. All they need is the formula. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: I'll get a line open to them. (CAPTAIN HAWKINS rushes in before the BRIGADIER can leave.) CAPTAIN HAWKINS: Sir - the Silurians have killed Sergeant Hart. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Any sign of a major attack? CAPTAIN HAWKINS: Yes, they've broken out of their base and are advancing everywhere. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Right. [SCENE_BREAK] 36: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH STATION. CONFERENCE ROOM (The phone rings loudly as the BRIGADIER and LIZ come back to the Conference Room. The BRIGADIER crosses over to answer it.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) Lethbridge Stewart? (He listens.) The Daily what? (Listens.) How did you get hold of this number? (Listens.) Look, I have no comment to make, now will you please get off this line. (The BRIGADIER slams down the phone.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: What's keeping the Doctor? LIZ: You leave him alone. He's got a complicated formula to transcribe. [SCENE_BREAK] 37: INT. WENLEY MOOR ATOMIC RESEARCH STATION. LABORATORY (The DOCTOR sits in the laboratory making out the formula on a pad. The door to the corridor is open behind him. He hears a humming noise and stops writing, listening intently with a frown. He continues to write as, behind him, the wall in the corridor starts to glow an orange colour. The DOCTOR is oblivious as smoke pours from the wall and, from its billowing clouds, the YOUNG SILURIAN and SILURIAN SCIENTIST burst through. They stride into the laboratory and immediately blast the DOCTOR with their third eyes. Staring upwards, he sinks to the floor...)

Plan: A: the virus; Q: What are the Doctor and Liz trying to find a cure for? A: Baker; Q: Who spread the virus? A: the Young Silurian; Q: Who kills the Old Silurian? A: control; Q: What does the Young Silurian take of his people? Summary: While the Doctor and Liz try to find a cure to the virus spread by Baker, the Young Silurian kills the Old Silurian and takes control of his people.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Rachel are sitting on the couch.] Chandler: (reading the comics) Eh..., I don't, I don't know. Rachel: What? Chandler: Well, as old as he is in dog years, do you think Snoopy should still be allowed to fly this thing? Gunther: Rachel? Rachel: Yeah. Gunther: Do you remember when you first came here, how you spent two weeks getting trained by another waitress? Rachel: Oh, sure! Do you need me to train somebody new? Gunther: (laughs) Good one. Actually, ah, Terry wants you to take the training again, whenever. Rachel: (to Chandler) Eh, do you believe that? Chandler: (thinks about it) Yeah? Opening Credits [Scene: The hallway of Ross's building, there is a Brown Bird girl selling cookies, as Ross and Chandler come up the stairs.] Sarah: So that's two boxes of the Holiday Macaroons. On behalf of the Brown Birds of America, I salute you. (Does the Brown Bird salute, she blows on a bird call, then holds her hand, palm facing out, next to her face, and then waves it like a bird flapping it's wings.) Ross: Just admit it Chandler, you have no backhand. Chandler: Excuse me little one, I have a very solid backhand. Ross: Shielding your face and shrieking like a girl... is not a backhand. Chandler: I was shrieking... like a Marine. (they both start up the stairs.) Ross: All right here. Watch me execute the three 'P's of championship play. Power. (swings the racquet) Precision. (swings the racquet.) and penache. (does a backswing and hits Sarah who's started up the stairs, knocking her down, they both watch in horror.) [Scene: Central Perk, the gang's all there discussing the incident.] Monica: You broke a little girl's leg?!! Ross: I know. I feel horrible. Okay. Chandler: (reading the paper) Says here that a muppet got whacked on Seasame Street last night. (to Ross) Where exactly were around ten-ish? Ross: Well, I'm gonna go see her. I want to bring her something, what do you think she'll like? Monica: Maybe a Hello Kitty doll, the ability to walk... (Rachel starts to laugh, and Ross notices her.) Rachel: I'm gonna get back to retraining. (gets up) Ross: All right, see you guys. (starts to leave) Chandler: Look out kids, he's coming! (Ross continues to leave with his head down in shame.) Joey: And I gotta go sell some Christmas trees. Phoebe: Have fun. Oh wait, no, don't! I forgot I am totally against that now. Joey: What? Me having a job? Phoebe: No, no, I am against innocent trees being cut down in their prime, and their, their corpses grotesquely dressed in like tinsel and twinkly lights. (to Joey) Hey, how do you sleep at night? Joey: Well, I'm pretty tired from lugging the trees around all day. Hey, Phoebe listen, you got this all wrong. Those trees were born to be Christmas trees, their fulfilling their life purpose, by, by making people happy. Phoebe: Really? (Phoebe turns and looks at Monica, while Joey frantically motions to Chandler to help him out.) Chandler: Yes. Yes, and ah, ah, the trees are happy too, because for most of them, it's the only chance to see New York. [cut to Gunther retraining Rachel.] Gunther: ...and after you've delivered the drinks, you take the empty tray.... Rachel: Gunther, Gunther, please, I've worked here for two and a half years, I know the empty trays go over there. (points to the counter.) Gunther: What if you put them here. (sets the empty tray on another stack of empty trays on the back counter.) Rachel: Huh. Well, y'know that's actually a really good idea, because that way they'll be closer to the mugs. Y'know what, you should have the other waitresses do that too. Gunther: They already do. That's why they call it the 'tray spot.' Rachel: Gee, I always heard them talk about that, I just always thought that it was a club they went to. Oh God, I'm, I'm sorry. (walks away) Gunther: It's all right. Sweetheart. [Scene: Sarah's bedroom, her room is decorated with a space motif.] Ross: So, this must be kinda neat for ya, huh? I mean, your Dad tells me that you get a couple of days off school, and you, you ah, don't have to sell those cookies anymore. Sarah: Well, I kinda wanted to sell the cookies. The girl who sells the most wins a trip to Spacecamp, and gets to sit in a real space shuttle. Ross: Wow, you ah, you really like all this space stuff, huh? Sarah: Yeah. My Dad says if I spend as much time helping him clean apartments, as I do daydreaming about outer space, he'd be able to afford a trip to the Taj Mahal. Ross: I think you would have to clean a whole lot of apartments to go all the way to India. Sarah: No. The one in Atlantic City, Dad loves the slots. He says he's gonna double the college money my Grandma left me. Ross: Huh. Well, good luck to Dad. Say, how many more boxes would you have to sell in order to win? Sarah: The girl who won last year sold four hundred and seventy-five. Ross: Yeah. Sarah: So far, I've sold seventy-five. Ross: Four hundred, huh? Well, that sounds do-able. (starts to get out his wallet) How much are the boxes? Sarah: Five dollars a box. Ross: (puts away his wallet) And what is second prize? Sarah: A ten speed bike. But, I'd rather have something my Dad couldn't sell. Ross: Well, that makes sense. Sarah: Could you do me one favor, if it's not too much trouble? Ross: Yeah, Sarah, anything. Sarah: Could you pull open the curtains for me? The astronauts from the space shuttle are gonna be on the news, and since we don't have a TV, the lady across the alley said she'd push hers up to a window, so I could watch it. [Scene: A hallway, Ross is selling Brown Bird cookies for Sarah, he stops and knocks on a door.] Woman: (looking through her peephole, we see Ross standing in the hallway.) Yesss? Ross: Hi, I'm selling Brown Bird cookies. Woman: You're no Brown Bird, I can see you through my peephole. Ross: No, hi, I'm, I'm an honorary Brown Bird (does the Brown Bird salute.) Woman: What does that mean? Ross: Ah, well, it means that I can sell cookies, but I'm not invited to sleep-overs. Woman: I can dial 9-1-1 at the touch of a button, y'know. Now, go away! Ross: No, please, please, um, it's for a poor little girl who wants to go to Spacecamp more than anything in the world. Woman: I'm pressing, a policeman is on his way. Ross: Okay, okay! I'm going. I'm going. (goes across the hall to knock on another door.) Woman: I can still see you! Ross: All right!! [Scene: Joey's work, selling Christmas trees.] Phoebe: (walking up to Joey) Hey. Joey: Hey. What, what are you doing here? Phoebe: Well, I-I thought a lot about what you said, and um, I realilized duh, all right maybe I was a little judgmental. Yeah, (looks at the tree) oh, but oh... Joey: Look now, Phoebe remember, hey, their just fulfilling their Christmas.... Phoebe: Destiny. Joey: Sure. Phoebe: Yes. Joey: All right. Phoebe: Okay. (One of Joey's co-workers, walks by with a dead tree.) Yikes! That one doesn't look very fulfilled. Joey: Oh, that's, that's ah, one of the old ones, he's just taking it to the back. Phoebe: You keep the old ones in the back, that is so ageist. Joey: Well we have to make room for the fresh ones. Phoebe: So, what happens to the old guys? Joey: Well, they go into the chipper. Phoebe: Why, do I have a feeling that's not as happy as it sounds? (Joey points out one going into the chipper to her, as this haunty, demonic music starts to play in the background) No! Nooooo!!! (she winces in horror and hides her face against Joey's shoulder, as she sees the tree spit out from the chipper.) Joey: (to the guy operating the chipper) Hey! Hey!! (makes the 'cut it' motion with his hands) [Scene: Central Perk, all except Phoebe are there, Ross is telling the gang, minus Rachel who's still being retrained, about the different cookie options.] Ross: ...and these come in the shapes of your favourite Christmas characters, Santa, Rudolph, and Baby Jesus. Joey: All right, I'll take a box of the cream filled Jesus's. Ross: Wait a minute, one box! Come on, I'm trying to send a little girl to Spacecamp, I'm putting you down for five boxes. Chandler, what about you? Chandler: Ahh, do you have any coconut flavoured deities? Ross: No, but ah, there's coconut in the Hanukkah Menoreoes. I tell you what, I'll put you down for eight boxes, one for each night. (Chandler mouths 'Okay.') Ross: Mon? Monica: All right, I'll take one box of the mint treasures, just one, and that's it. I-I started gaining weight after I joined the Brown Birds. (to Ross) Remember, how Dad bought all my boxes and I ate them all? Ross: Ah, no Mon, Dad had to buy everyone of your boxes because you ate them all. But ah, y'know I'm sure that's not gonna happen this time, why don't I put you down for three of the mint treasures and just a couple of the Rudolph's. Monica: No. Ross: Oh, come on, now you know you want 'em. Monica: Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't do this. Ross: I'll tell you what Mon, I'll give you the first box for free. Monica: (she reaches out for it and stops) Oh God! I gotta go! (runs out) Ross: Come on! All the cool kids are eating 'em! (chases after her.) [cut to Gunther retraining Rachel.] Gunther: And when you have a second later, I wanna show you why we don't just trap spiders under coffee mugs and leave them there. Rachel: (sitting down next to Chandler) I'm training to be better at a job that I hate, my life officially sucks. Joey: Look Rach, wasn't this supposed to a temporary thing? I thought you wanted to do fashion stuff? Rachel: Well, yeah! I'm still pursuing that. Chandler: How... exactly are you pursuing that? Y'know other than sending out resumes like what, two years ago? Rachel: Well, I'm also sending out.... good thoughts. Joey: If you ask me, as long as you got this job, you've got nothing pushing you to get another one. You need the fear. Rachel: The fear? Chandler: He's right, if you quit this job, you then have motivation to go after a job you really want. Rachel: Well then how come you're still at a job that you hate, I mean why don't you quit and get 'the fear'? (Chandler and Joey both laugh) Chandler: Because, I'm too afraid. Rachel: I don't know, I mean I would give anything to work for a designer, y'know, or a buyer.... Oh, I just don't want to be 30 and still work here. Chandler: Yeah, that'd be much worse than being 28, and still working here. Gunther: Rachel? Rachel: Yeah. Gunther: Remind me to review with you which pot is decaf and which is regular. Rachel: Can't I just look at the handles on them? Gunther: You would think. Rachel: Okay, fine. Gunther, y'know what, I am a terrible waitress, do you know why I'm a terrible waitress? Because, I don't care. I don't care. I don't care which pot is regular and which pot is decaf, I don't care where the tray spot is, I just don't care, this is not what I want to do. So I don't think I should do it anymore. I'm gonna give you my weeks notice. Gunther: What?! Rachel: Gunther, I quit. Chandler: (to Joey) Does this mean we're gonna have to start paying for coffee? (Joey shrugs his shoulders.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is entering numbers on a calculator as Ross reads off how much he's sold.] Ross: ....and 12, 22, 18, four... (Chandler starts laughing) What? Chandler: I spelled out boobies. Monica: (comes up and starts looking through Ross's cookie supply) Ross, but me down for another box of the mint treasures, okay. Where, where are the mint treasures? Ross: Ah, we're out. I sold them all. Monica: What? Ross: Monica, I'm cutting you off. Monica: No. No, just, just, just a couple more boxes. It-it-it's no big deal, all right, I'm-I'm cool. You gotta help me out with a couple more boxes! Ross: Mon, look at yourself. You have cookie on your neck. Monica: (covers her neck) Oh God! (runs to the bathroom) Chandler: So, how many have you sold so far? Ross: Check this out. Five hundred and seventeen boxes! Chandler: Oh my God, how did you do that? Ross: Okay, the other night I was leaving the museum just as 'Laser Floyd' was letting out of the planetarium, without even trying I sold 50 boxes! That's when it occurred to me, the key to my success, 'the munchies.' So I ah, started hitting the NYU dorms around midnight. I am selling cookies by the case. They call me: 'Cookie Dude!' Rachel: (entering) Okay, stop what you're doing, I need envelope stuffers, I need stamp lickers..... Ross: Well hey, who did these resumes for ya? Chandler: Me! On my computer. Ross: Well you sure used a large font. Chandler: Eh, yeah, well ah, waitress at a coffee shop and cheer squad co-captain only took up so much room. Rachel: Hey-hey-hey that's funny! Your funny Chandler! Your a funny guy! You wanna know what else is really funny?! Chandler: Something else I might have said? Rachel: I don't know, I don't know, weren't you the guy that told me to quit my job when I had absolutely nothing else to do. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!! Ross: Sweetie, calm down, it's gonna be okay. Rachel: No, it's not gonna be okay Ross, tomorrow is my last day, and I don't have a lead. Okay, y'know what, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna call Gunther and I'm gonna tell him, I'm not quitting. Chandler: You-you-you don't wanna give into the fear. Rachel: You and your stupid fear. I hate your fear. I would like to take you and your fear.... Joey: (entering, interrupting Rachel) Hey! I got great news! Chandler: Run, Joey! Run for your life! (runs out) Joey: What? Rachel, listen, have you ever heard of Fortunata Fashions? Rachel: No. Joey: Well my old man is doing a plumbing job down there and he heard they have an opening. So, you want me to see if I can get you an interview? Rachel: Oh my God! Yes, I would love that, oh, that is soo sweet, Joey. Joey: Not a problem. Rachel: Thanks. Joey: And now for the great news. Ross: What, that wasn't the great news? Joey: Only if you think it's better than this... (holds up an aerosol can) snow-in-a-can!! I got it at work. Mon, you want me to decorate the window, give it a kind of Christmas lookie. Monica: Christmas cookie? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Joey work, Joey is showing a guy a tree.] Joey: Okay, and ah, this one here is a Douglas Fir, now it's a little more money, but you get a nicer smell. Guy: Looks good. I'll take it. Phoebe: (running up carrying a tree) Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! No, no, you don't want that one. No, you can have this cool brown one. (points to the almost dead tree she has) Guy: It's-it's-it's almost dead! Phoebe: Okay but that's why you have to buy it, so it can fulfil it's Christmas destiny, otherwise there gonna throw it into the chipper. Tell him, Joey Joey: Yeah, the ah, trees that don't fulfil their Christmas destiny are thrown in the chipper. Guy: I-I think I'm gonna look around a little bit more. Joey: Pheebs, you gotta stop this, I working on commission here. Monica: (entering) Hey, guys. I'm here to pick out my Christmas tree. Phoebe: Well look no further, (shows her the dead one) this one's yours! Ahhh. Monica: Is this the one that I threw out last year? Phoebe: All right y'know what, nevermind! Everyone wants to have a green one! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get so emotional, I guess it's just the holidays, it's hard. Monica: Oh honey, is that 'cause your Mom died around Christmas? Phoebe: Oh, I wasn't even thinking about that. Monica: Oh. (turns and looks at Joey, who gives a 'way-to-go' thumbs up and smile.) [Scene: A Brown Bird meeting, Ross is there with the other Brown Birds to see who won the contest.] Ross: (to the girl sitting next to him) Hi there. How many, how many ah, did you sell? Girl: I'm not gonna tell you! You're the bad man who broke Sarah's leg. Ross: Hey now! That was an accident, okay. Girl: You're a big scrud. Ross: What's a scrud? Girl: Why don't you look in the mirror, scrud. Ross: I don't have too. I can just look at you. Leader: All right girls, and man. Let's see your final tallies. (all the girls raise their hands) Ohhhh, Debbie, (looks at her form) 321 boxes of cookies, (to Debbie) Very nice. Ross: (to himself) Not nice enough. Leader: Charla, 278. Sorry, dear, but still good. Ross: (to himself) Good for a scrud. Leader: Oh, yes Elizabeth. Ah, 871. Ross: That's crap!! Sister Brown Bird. (to Elizabeth) Good going. (does the salute) Leader: Who's next? (goes over and stands behind Ross, who's feverishly writing on his form, and clears her throat to get his attention.) Ross: Hi there! Leader: Hi. And batting for Sarah, Ross Geller, 872. Although, it looks like you bought an awful lot of cookies yourself. Ross: Um, that is because my doctor says that I have a very serious.... nuget.... diffency. [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross are there.] Chandler: Tell us what happened, Brown Bird Ross. Ross: Well, I lost. Some little girl loaned her uniform to her nineteen year old sister, who went down to the U.S.S. Nimitz, and sold over 2,000 boxes. Chandler: (to Rachel, who's entering) Hey! How'd the interview go? Rachel: Oh, I blew it. I wouldn't of even hired me. Ross: Oh, come here sweetie, listen, you're gonna go on like a thousand interviews before you get a job. (she glares at him) That's not how that was supposed to come out. Phoebe: This is the worst Christmas ever. Chandler: Y'know what Rach, maybe you should just, y'know stay here at the coffee house. Rachel: I can't! It's too late! Terry already hired that girl over there. (points to her) Look at her, she's even got waitress experience. Last night she was teaching everybody how to make napkin.... (starts to cry) swans. Ross: That word was swans. [Scene: The hallway between the two apartments, Chandler, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are coming up the stairs.] Chandler: Well seeing that drunk Santa wet himself, really perked up my Christmas. (They start to go into Monica and Rachel's, their apartment is filled with all of the old Christmas trees from Joey's work.) Phoebe: Oh! Oh my God! Joey and Monica: (jumping up from behind the couch) Merry Christmas!! Phoebe: You saved them! You guys! Oh God, you're the best! Chandler: It's like 'Night of the Living Dead Christmas Trees.' (phone rings) Rachel: (answering the phone) Hello? (listens) Yeah, this is she. (listens) Oh! You're kidding! You're kidding! (listens) Oh thank you! I love you! Chandler: Sure, everybody loves a kidder. Rachel: (hanging up the phone) I got the job! All: That's great! Hey! Excellent! Phoebe: Oh, God bless us, everyone. [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving her last cup of coffee.] Rachel: Here we go. I'm serving my last cup of coffee. (the gang starts humming the graduation theme) There you go. (hands it to Chandler) Enjoy. (they all cheer) Chandler: (to Ross) Should I tell her I ordered tea? Ross: No. Rachel: Um, excuse me, everyone. Ah, this is my last night working here, and I ah, just wanted say that I made some really good friends working here, and ah, it's just time to move on. (at the counter Gunther starts to cry and runs into the back room) Ah, and no offence to everybody who ah, still works here, you have no idea how good it feels to say that as of this moment I will never have to make coffee again. [Scene: Rachel's new job, Rachel's boss is telling her what to do.] Rachel's Boss: Now Mr. Kaplan Sr. likes his coffee strong, so your gonna use two bags instead of one, see. Now pay attention, 'cause this part's tricky, see some people use filters just once. Closing Credits [Scene: The hallway between the apartments, Ross is bringing Sarah to Joey and Chandler's.] Ross: I'm, I'm sorry you didn't get to go to Spacecamp, and I'm hoping that maybe somehow, this may make up for it. Presenting Sarah Tuttle's Private Very Special Spacecamp!! (opens the door and Chandler and Joey jump up, their apartment is decorated like outer space, one of the leather chairs is covered in tinfoil.) Sarah: Really Mr. Geller, you don't have to do this. Ross: Oh come on! Here we go! (picks her up and puts her in the chair) Stand by for mission countdown! Joey: (simulating an echo) Ten, ten.., nine, nine, nine...., eight, eight, eight... (Chandler hits him in the back of the head) Okay, Blast off! (They start shaking the chair likes it's flying into outer space. Ross picks up a soccer ball and starts spinning it in his hand and runs around the chair beeping like a satellite. Chandler also starts running around the chair and saying...) Chandler: I'm an alien. I'm an alien. Ross: Oh no! An asteroid! (throws the soccer ball off the back of Joey's head.) (The camera zooms in on Sarah and she has a big smile on her face.)

Plan: A: Rachel; Q: Who is fed up with being a waitress? A: Joey; Q: Who gives Rachel a job lead? A: fashion; Q: What career does Joey and Chandler encourage Rachel to pursue? A: Phoebe; Q: Who helps Joey sell Christmas trees? A: Christmas; Q: What holiday is Joey selling trees for? A: a little girl's leg; Q: What did Ross accidentally break? A: Brown Bird; Q: What kind of cookies does Ross help sell? A: Space Camp; Q: What is the name of the camp that Ross tries to help a little girl win a trip to? A: the "Mint Treasures" cookies; Q: What cookies does Monica become addicted to? A: her supply; Q: What does Ross have to cut off? A: her resumḗ; Q: What does Chandler help Rachel prepare? A: Fortunata Fashions; Q: Where does Rachel get a job? Summary: Rachel is fed up with being a waitress so Joey and Chandler encourage her pursue a career in fashion, saying she will be more motivated to find a new job if she quits. Phoebe helps Joey with selling Christmas trees, but becomes upset over learning the old trees get thrown into a chipper. Ross accidentally breaks a little girl's leg, then attempts to make it up to her by helping her sell Brown Bird cookies to win a trip to Space Camp. Monica becomes addicted to the "Mint Treasures" cookies, forcing Ross to cut off her supply. Chandler helps Rachel prepare her resumḗ. Joey gives Rachel a job lead, and she is hired at Fortunata Fashions.

OPEN IN THE TOWN SQUARE [Lorelai and Rory are walking down the sidewalk.] RORY: It's culs-de-sac. LORELAI: No way! RORY: It is. LORELAI: The plural of cul-de-sac is culs-de-sac? RORY: Yes. LORELAI: That doesn't even sound like English. RORY: That's because it's French. LORELAI: You know what I mean. RORY: I hate to be the bearer of bad news. LORELAI: Words should sound right to be right. RORY: That's not how it works. LORELAI: So, what, the plural of yo-yo is yos-yo? RORY: Yeah, 'cause that sounds so natural. LORELAI: As natural as culs-de-sac. [They walk into Luke's Diner, where Lane is waitressing.] LORELAI: Hey, when did Lane start working here? RORY: Oh, a couple of days ago. She filled out an application, and Luke brought her in for an interview and everything. LORELAI: An interview? So official. RORY: Yeah. They sat in complete silence for a full five minutes, then Luke said, "How ya doing?" and she said "Good," and then he gave her the job. LORELAI: So what do we get out of this? RORY: What do you mean? LORELAI: We got someone on the inside now, a friend of ours. RORY: And out of it we could get? LORELAI: The secret things he keeps back there. RORY: His showgirl costume. LORELAI: Extra jelly packets, butter, discarded day-old bread. RORY: But we get that when we go dumpster driving. LORELAI: This'll be easier on our shoes. [Luke walks over to their table] LORELAI: Hey, Luke. LUKE: Look at this. LORELAI: Who, Lane? She's super waitress, able to leap tall pancakes in a single bound. Or is that pans-cake? RORY: Very funny. LUKE: It's not gonna work out. LORELAI: Oh. What, she's so good. LUKE: She's too good. LORELAI: Oh, calm down. LUKE: I'm not even sure why she took the job. I mean, I totally blew the interview. LORELAI: You were nervous. [Lane walks over] LANE: Hey, guys. You got this, Luke? LUKE: Yeah, I got it. LANE: [walking away] Caesar, I need that English muffin. LUKE: When there was a lull, she cleaned the menus without being asked. LORELAI: Do you mean mens-u? RORY: Stop it. LUKE: This isn't challenging enough. She's gonna get bored. LORELAI: Buy her a chemistry set. RORY: Or a foosball table. LUKE: I should find something to do. [walks away] RORY: Having help is stressing him. LORELAI: So, now, why do you have to get back to campus so early? Classes don't start for a couple of days. RORY: Yeah, I have a lot of stuff to do. And it'll be nice and quiet with no roommates around. LORELAI: Where are the rooms-mate? RORY: Um, Janet's mountain climbing, Tanna's home, and Paris went skiing with her boyfriend. LORELAI: So you're just ignoring the plural thing now? RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: You haven't mentioned Paris' boyfriend in awhile. Everything good there? RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: What? Something's not right? RORY: Um, well, just the weirdness of them being really busy with school, and he's miles away at Princeton, but they're good. Um, she called me from the slopes and they sounded like they were having a blast. LANE: Eggs scrambled, Caesar. Hey, Luke, coffee in the corner. LUKE: Right, sorry. LORELAI: Boy, maybe this Lane/Luke team isn't gonna work out. RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: Where do you think Luke will go? RORY: I don't know. Maybe a big chain will take him on. LORELAI: I wonder if he has a forklift license. RORY: He could redeem recyclables. LORELAI: You mean recycs-able? [opening credits] CUT TO OUTSIDE [Lorelai and Michel are walking down the sidewalk] MICHEL: You promise? LORELAI: Yes. This is in and out, pick a molding for the public areas, meeting adjourned. MICHEL: No food sampling. LORELAI: It's not on the agenda. MICHEL: I have not seen Sookie once this month where she has not greeted me by shoving something in my mouth. LORELAI: Are you sure it was food every time? MICHEL: You can joke, but as long as super low rise jeans are in fashion for men, I must stay trim or I'll die. [They walk up to Sookie's house and knock on the door] SOOKIE: [calls from inside the house] Come on in! LORELAI: How low we talking here? MICHEL: I've had to wax. LORELAI: Subject over. [They walk into the house] SOOKIE: Hi. Oh! [looks through the bag of crown molding Lorelai is carrying] Aha. Hm. Ooh, this is nice. LORELAI: That's my favorite, too. A little pricey. SOOKIE: It's amazing how we always pick the pricey. So, do you guys want something to - MICHEL: No! SOOKIE:. . .drink? I made hot water for tea. MICHEL: Tea? SOOKIE: You like Earl Gray, right? MICHEL: If you have some. SOOKIE: It's all ready. Earl Gray. MICHEL: Thank you. SOOKIE: And try this pizzelle. MICHEL: I knew it. LORELAI: Delight! MICHEL: This is a tasting. SOOKIE: I just need your opinion. MICHEL: Well, my opinion is you're trying to fatten me out of a love life. SOOKIE: I thought you were celibate. MICHEL: Not by choice. [The baby starts crying in another room] SOOKIE: You woke up Davey, big mouth. LORELAI: Do you wanna go check on him? SOOKIE: He'll be out here in a second. LORELAI: He's two months and already walking? I'm missing the big moments. [Tobin walks into the room with the baby] LORELAI: Tobin! MICHEL: Tobin? TOBIN: Hi, and I'm high around this little thing. He's such an angel. SOOKIE: Hello, little booby. Did that mean old Michel wake you up? MICHEL: I'm being Punk'd. I know I'm being Punk'd. SOOKIE: Isn't this great? We have the whole team back together. MICHEL: I'm ecstatic. Did you know about this? LORELAI: I knew that Tobin was back in town, but I didn't hear you were the - TOBIN: Davey's nanny? Just until something permanent comes along. SOOKIE: Davey fell for this guy lock, stock and barrel. It was love at first sight. TOBIN: Well, my whole life is kids. I have eleven nieces and nephews. LORELAI: Wow. MICHEL: How joyous for you. LORELAI: Now, Tobin, we'd heard you moved. TOBIN: Yes, right after the inn burned down. I moved to Utah because I heard there was lots of job opportunities for industrious Mormons. LORELAI: I didn't know you were a Mormon. TOBIN: I wasn't, so I became one. The paperwork took weeks. And I didn't know about the alcohol thing. LORELAI: They famously abstain. TOBIN: No coffee either. The choir is fabulous, but then there's the funny underwear. It didn't last. SOOKIE: Then he called me from the road and suggested this. MICHEL: How wonderful. TOBIN: Oh, I see you're trying the pizzelles. Are they not pieces of heaven shaped like cookies? LORELAI: Wonderful. TOBIN: You know, they'd be perfect for breakfast, too, with cappuccino. SOOKIE: I've never thought of them for breakfast. Great idea. MICHEL: It occurred to me. TOBIN: You know, you could serve them on that green platter we bought yesterday. The colors would juxtapose nicely. MICHEL: You went shopping together? TOBIN: Yes. I turned Sookie onto a place that sells hard-to-find kitchenware. Oh, and I found some websites I'd like to recommend to you, Lorelai. I spent a lot of time online when I was a Mormon. There wasn't much else to do. MICHEL: Excuse me, is this not an inn meeting for inn employees only? [The baby starts crying] TOBIN: It's okay, little baby. I think your voice hits a pitch that hurts his ears. MICHEL: My voice has the same pitch as anyone else's. SOOKIE: Michel hates babies. MICHEL: I do not hate babies. LORELAI: Well, babies hate you. MICHEL: They do not hate me. Look, all I'm saying is, we have limited time together, the three of us, and we cannot afford to waste it, the three of us, and he's cutting in. TOBIN: Michel, I'm not cutting in. But the fact is, wherever Sookie goes, the baby goes, and wherever the baby goes, I go. It's my job. We even made a joke earlier - the baby has a meeting today. [points to a piece of crown molding] I love this. LORELAI: We do, too. SOOKIE: Would you like a cup of tea, Tobin? TOBIN: Just a little lapsing oolong, please. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Lorelai, Rory, Richard and Emily are eating dinner] LORELAI: You knew that? RICHARD: Yes, I did. LORELAI: Come on! RICHARD: Everyone does. LORELAI: Did you? EMILY: Of course I did. LORELAI: So everyone in the entire world knew the plural of cul-de-sac was culs-de-sac? RICHARD: Yes. LORELAI: Okay. So Mariah Carey is out with some friends and she's had a couple cocktails, she glances down from the roof and says, "Oh, look at all those culs-de-sac." RORY: Why are they on the roof? LORELAI: It's a rooftop bar. RICHARD: How have you been saying it? LORELAI: Cul-de-sacs. RICHARD: And no one ever corrected you? LORELAI: No, because that's the way it should be. Even if it isn't technically correct, it should be pronounced that way. RORY: Mom, Mom, just let it go. LORELAI: I will never let this go. RORY: Is there dessert? EMILY: Yes, and we have a special surprise for you for dessert. We brought it back from Switzerland. LORELAI: We're getting a mountain goat? RICHARD: This is better than a goat. EMILY: Let's go into the living room. RORY: Dessert from Switzerland. LORELAI: The land of chocolate. RORY: Yum! RICHARD: You two are going to love this. LORELAI: Is it as good as Toblerone? RICHARD: Oh, it's better than Toblerone. [They walk to the living room. The maid sets the dessert tray on the coffee table] LORELAI: Whoa, what is that? EMILY: It's marzipan. RORY: Marzipan? RICHARD: The finest marzipan in all of Europe. Made by cloistered nuns. EMILY: We toured their cloister, it was right out of "The Sound of Music." LORELAI: What happened to the chocolate? EMILY: What chocolate? LORELAI: You compared it to Toblerone - that's chocolate. RICHARD: You brought up Toblerone. I just said it was better than that because I think it is. EMILY: Marzipan is candy. You like candy. LORELAI: Marzipan is not candy. It is a unique substance unto itself, like Velveeta or plutonium. EMILY: You're not even going to try it? LORELAI: I'll pass. RORY: I'll try some, Grandma. RICHARD: Take the one with the little pig on it. RORY: Oh, thank you. RICHARD: We got the pigs for you and the bunny for your mother. LORELAI: You got me bunnies? EMILY: They're for whomever now. LORELAI: Well, no, I'll try a bunny. EMILY: Don't force yourself. LORELAI: I'm not. I want a bunny. Give me a bunny. EMILY: Delicious. RICHARD: Those nuns kick you-know-what. [the doorbell rings] EMILY: Now who can that be? RICHARD: Ah, it's probably Jason. He said he might drop something by on his way back from the airport. EMILY: In the middle of dinner? RICHARD: He won't be here long. He's probably exhausted. The flight from Australia is draining. [The maid brings Jason to the living room] RICHARD: Jason, welcome back. JASON: Oh, I didn't mean to interrupt your evening. RICHARD: Oh, oh, not at all. You look fit. Look how fit he looks, Emily. EMILY: He looks very fit. Hello, Jason. JASON: Emily. RICHARD: Uh, you've met Lorelai and Rory. JASON: Yes, it's nice to see you again. LORELAI: Same here. RORY: Hi. JASON: Richard, here are the papers, and they do not need to be notarized. RICHARD: Oh, that's a huge help. Terrific. LORELAI: So, um, Mom, maybe our guest would, uh . . . EMILY: Oh, Jason, would you like some marzipan? JASON: Would I? I love marzipan. EMILY: Take as much as you like, and put some extra into a napkin. Just not the one Lorelai spat her piece into. JASON: [tries some marzipan] Mmm, delicious. RICHARD: Mmhmm, mmhmm. JASON: Well, I'll be going. It was good to see you all again. RICHARD: Oh, here. JASON: No, no, no, no, Richard, you don't have to see me out. RICHARD: All right. See you tomorrow. [Jason leaves] RICHARD: He must have been hiking the whole time. He looks wonderful. LORELAI: Excuse me, I just have to freshen up my. . .be right back. [leaves the room] EMILY: [to Rory] Have you swallowed your marzipan yet? RORY: Mmhmm. [pause] Unh-uh. [Richard hands her a napkin and she spits out her marzipan] [In another room, Lorelai calls Jason's cell phone.] JASON: Hello? LORELAI: Um, so, you're back. JASON: Uh, I am no hologram. LORELAI: Uh, Australia was good? JASON: Very good. Hot. LORELAI: You tie your wallaby down, sport? JASON: No, I just drank a lot of beer and thought about you a lot. LORELAI: That's very sweet. JASON: So when are we getting together again? LORELAI: When do you want? JASON: How about now? LORELAI: Hm, too spontaneous. JASON: How about Monday night? LORELAI: For what? JASON: Dinner, et cetera. LORELAI: Sounds good, et cetera. JASON: I'll call you. LORELAI: Okay. Hey, what are you gonna do with your marzipan? JASON: Oh, I don't know. I thought I'd dump 'em on the road, but is that environmentally sound? LORELAI: I don't think marzipan biodegrades. JASON: I'll just serve it to the clients I don't like. LORELAI: Well, bye. JASON: I'll see you Monday. CUT TO YALE DORM [Rory is in the common room with a repairman who is fixing the radiator.] REPAIRMAN: Almost done with your radiator, young lady. RORY: Take your time. REPAIRMAN: You were smart. You come back early, you beat the rush. RORY: I just wanted to get a jump on things. REPAIRMAN: I like the campus when it's kind of empty like this, you know, all quiet. Snow's pretty, too. RORY: Yeah, very pretty. [Rory looks out the window and sees Paris with Asher Fleming] REPAIRMAN: There's something very magical about this campus. I've been here 23 years come August and I've never been bored. You know, we've had presidents graduate from this school. You okay? RORY: What? REPAIRMAN: You feeling okay? RORY: Yes. I, um. . .yes. Thanks. [Paris walks into the suite] PARIS: Rory. RORY: Paris, hi. You're back early. PARIS: You're back early. RORY: Just thought I'd get a jump on things. How was your trip? PARIS: Great. I thought I'd come back early. RORY: Same here. Where's your stuff? PARIS: Well, I got back early. RORY: I know. PARIS: Early this morning, so I unpacked and then I went to visit my mom. RORY: Is she good? PARIS: She wasn't there. Jamie says hello. RORY: Oh, good. Hello back at him. So, you guys have fun? PARIS: I told you that on the phone. RORY: I know. You have fun after that? PARIS: Sure. The resort was beautiful. A little too star-studded. Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart were there. They tongue kissed in public. RORY: They're in love. PARIS: Then she'd tickle his tummy and he'd giggle. It was foul. RORY: To each his own. PARIS: Well, I'll get out of your way. RORY: You're not in my way. I'll get out of your way. PARIS: You're not in my way. RORY: Well, I'll just stay here, then. PARIS: Good. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai is in the kitchen eating from a pizza box at the counter. She closes the box and accidentally knocks it onto the floor] LORELAI: End scene. Shoot. [She starts cleaning it up off the floor and brushes some crumbs underneath the sink. Rory arrives home and walks into the kitchen] RORY: What are you doing? LORELAI: [startled] Oh, God! Rory! Announce yourself! RORY: Were you brushing dirt under the sink? LORELAI: No, I am brushing crumbs under the sink. RORY: You're a pig. LORELAI: You're just learning that? Why are you here anyway? RORY: Oh, crabby and dirty. LORELAI: Well, I thought you were going to hang at school for some alone time. RORY: Alone time suddenly included Paris. LORELAI: Oh. I thought Paris was skiing with Jamie. RORY: Paris is definitely not skiing, and Paris is definitely not with Jamie. LORELAI: Hm, meaning? RORY: [looking under the sink] There are little marshmallow Easter bunnies under here. LORELAI: No, no, what did you mean when you said Paris was not with Jamie? RORY: Paris is seeing somebody else. LORELAI: Really? A psychiatrist? RORY: A professor. LORELAI: At Yale? RORY: Yes. LORELAI: Oh, wow. Lorelai Gilmore, you've been holding out on me. RORY: It's so weird. One minute, she's totally in love with Jamie and then the next, she's making out with a professor in a dark corner. LORELAI: You saw them making out? RORY: Apparently, the big game was big for everyone. LORELAI: Well, wow. I can't believe Paris is doing an older man. RORY: Who said doing? I didn't say doing. I just said kissing, that's it. LORELAI: Rory, come on. When you're dating an older man, you're probably doing older-man things. RORY: Oh, geez. LORELAI: So what age are we talking here, like 35, 40? 45? 46? 47? 47½? 48? RORY: Sixty! LORELAI: What?! Shut up! RORY: He went to school with Grandpa. LORELAI: Sixty? RORY: That's how they met. We were having lunch, he came by, Grandpa introduced them. She wanted to get an interview, and apparently, she got one. LORELAI: Sixty? Like sixty-sixty? RORY: Mom. LORELAI: I'm sorry, it's just. . .now I know who Woody Allen's next leading lady's gonna be. RORY: And it's so annoying. I mean, she's hiding it from me, so I'm not supposed to know. I'm supposed to think that she's still with Jamie, which she's not. LORELAI: Are you sure? RORY: No. LORELAI: Intrigue. RORY: I don't like intrigue, I don't want intrigue. I like Jamie. He's a nice guy. He's a patient guy. I mean, Paris should not be treating him like this. LORELAI: Oh, honey, if she likes another guy, there's nothing you can do about it. Let us all remember Dean. RORY: This is not the same as Dean. I did not cheat on Dean with an old guy. LORELAI: Is the old guy married? RORY: He was. He has kids, grown kids. He's a writer. LORELAI: Well, what would the school say if they knew about this? RORY: Yes, what about that? This guy's risking everything - his job, his reputation. LORELAI: Yes, well. . .he'll always have Paris. RORY: How long have you been waiting with that one? LORELAI: I just had a feeling the opportunity would present itself eventually. RORY: Maybe it's a phase. It'll pass. LORELAI: Oh, yeah, or he will. [The phone rings and Lorelai answers] LORELAI: Hello? What? Michel? Calm down. I can't understand you when you're not screaming hysterically. Well, okay, well, what are you. . .okay! Okay, I'll be right there. Goodbye. [hangs up] I gotta go. RORY: Why? What's up? LORELAI: Michel's spazzing. RORY: Why? LORELAI: I don't know. Will you be here when I get back? RORY: If you don't mind. Paris was getting out her potter's wheel as I was leaving. LORELAI: Okay, I'll go pick up Chinese. RORY: Or we can just eat what's under the sink. LORELAI: Ah, the wit. RORY: Get egg rolls. LORELAI: All right, just watch out - old guys don't like 'em bossy. RORY: Yeah, yeah. CUT TO SOOKIE'S HOUSE [Lorelai walks up to Sookie's house, where Michel is waiting out front] MICHEL: You took so long! Why? You need to charter an airplane? LORELAI: I came as quickly as I - ow! MICHEL: Get in here. LORELAI: What is going on? MICHEL: Move quicker, please. [Michel leads Lorelai into the house] LORELAI: Is Sookie here? MICHEL: She and the farmer went to see a movie. LORELAI: Do they know you're here? MICHEL: Yes, they do. LORELAI: And they're okay with that? MICHEL: This way, please. [Michel pulls Lorelai into a bedroom] LORELAI: Stop. What's going on? Why are we in the bedroom? MICHEL: I offered to babysit. LORELAI: I'm sorry, you did what? MICHEL: I heard Sookie talking to the potato man about wanting to go out, and there was no one to watch the baby, so I offered to watch it for her. LORELAI: It? MICHEL: Him. Watch him for her. LORELAI: And she let you? MICHEL: Yes, she let me. So I came over, and the minute that she left, it started to cry. LORELAI: It? MICHEL: Him, he started to cry. He wouldn't stop. I did everything. I did the jiggle and the bouncy and the airplane, and then I even picked it up. LORELAI: It? MICHEL: Him, dammit, him! I picked him up, but it didn't matter. He wouldn't stop crying. So finally I invented a game. LORELAI: What kind of game? MICHEL: I called it baby crepe. LORELAI: I don't think I know that one. MICHEL: Well, it's quite ingenious. You get down here on the floor and then you roll him up in a blanket and then you pull it back and forth and back and forth. He loved it. He did not cry, he smiled, he giggled. He was having the time of his life. And then. . . LORELAI: Oh no. MICHEL: I pulled back the blanket a little too hard. LORELAI: What? MICHEL: And he rolled under the bed. LORELAI: What? MICHEL: And he got stuck. LORELAI: Oh! Oh my God! MICHEL: I tried to get him out, but I couldn't get him to grab the string, and then he fell asleep, and I worried if I woke him up, the screaming would start again. LORELAI: I can't believe you rolled little Davey under the bed. MICHEL: Davey? LORELAI: Yes, Davey - Sookie's baby. MICHEL: Is that his name? I've been calling him Truman. LORELAI: Why? MICHEL: I thought that's what his name was. LORELAI: Where'd you get Truman from? MICHEL: I don't know, I heard it wrong, okay? Do you think he's gonna hold this against me? LORELAI: What, the man that rolled him under the bed? No, I think you're good. Oh, man, he really is sleeping. He looks so peaceful. MICHEL: See? I made him happy. LORELAI: We need to lift this bed and get him up. [Michel starts to unbutton his shirt] LORELAI: What are you doing? MICHEL: Taking off my shirt. LORELAI: Uh, what part of "lift the bed and get him out" translates to you taking off your shirt? MICHEL: This is an expensive shirt. LORELAI: No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not lifting the bed with a naked you. MICHEL: I wasn't going to take off my pants. LORELAI: Leave the shirt on. MICHEL: It will wrinkle. LORELAI: Not as much as it will if Sookie comes home and finds Truman under the bed. Now, uh, lift up here, and I'll get him out. MICHEL: I can't hold this by myself. Are you crazy? LORELAI: Okay, you hold that. Are you ready? MICHEL: No! [Michel holds up the bed while Lorelai picks up Davey off the floor] LORELAI: Hey. Hey, Davey. I gotcha. You're snoozy, huh? Yeah. MICHEL: How is he? LORELAI: He's just fine. He's just fine. There you go. Just kick back, wait 'til Mommy gets home. [Lorelai puts Davey in his bassinet] Now please tell me what is going on here. MICHEL: Nothing. LORELAI: Why are you babysitting? MICHEL: I - LORELAI: You hate babies. MICHEL: Not really. LORELAI: You do not babysit ever. And yet here you are wearing your super-low-cut jeans making up baby games, and I want to know why. MICHEL: I hate Tobin! He's a sniveling little sycophantic tushie kisser, and I hate him! LORELAI: Michel! MICHEL: He weasels his way into every area of my life. The only good thing about the Independence Inn burning down was that Tobin was gone, but yet, here he is, back. He's like the cat. LORELAI: What cat? MICHEL: The one that came back the very next day. You thought he was a goner, but the cat came back. He just wouldn't stay away. LORELAI: Michel, you do not have to be jealous of Tobin. MICHEL: He wants to replace me. LORELAI: As what? MICHEL: As everything. He wants to replace me in my entire life. He's going to keep worming his way in until you no longer find any reason to have me around. LORELAI: You're being silly. MICHEL: He's going to succeed. It doesn't matter that I have all the experience and the credentials and the history to run this inn. He likes the baby. He holds the baby. He doesn't roll the baby under the bed - he wins! LORELAI: Oh, he does not win. Michel, this rivalry is in your head. MICHEL: It is, huh? LORELAI: Yes. MICHEL: So you do not like Tobin better than me? LORELAI: No. We like Tobin. We're addicted to you. MICHEL: You are? LORELAI: Yes. We asked you to come with us to the Dragonfly, didn't we? We love you, Michel, and as long as you stay far, far away from little Davey, we will continue loving you. MICHEL: Oh. I can do that. LORELAI: Good. CUT TO YALE [Rory and Paris are in the newspaper office making newspaper hats] RORY: Okay, hold on. And. . .what do you think? PARIS: It stinks. RORY: Well, it's a newspaper hat. It's not supposed to spark a trend. PARIS: There. RORY: How'd you do that? PARIS: Martha Stewart. RORY: Martha Stewart actually did a segment on how to make a hat out of newspaper? PARIS: Yes. RORY: Oh. Well, it looks nice. GLENN: Aah! What is this? Academically approved torture? Make your own hat - that's how you get on the paper? 'Cause that has what to do with anything? RORY: Relax, Glenn. PARIS: It's tradition. GLENN: It's not tradition. It's hazing. Why don't they just handcuff us naked to a streetlamp wearing a sign that says, "honk if you like unbiased journalism"? I'm not doing it. They can't make me. DOYLE: You don't wear the hat, you're not getting on the paper. GLENN: I need another sheet. DOYLE: Ladies and gentlemen, tonight represents a melding of the old and the new. For one night, identifying the two groups will be easy. The old will be the ones running around frantically trying to get out the latest issue of the Daily News, and the new will be the ones in the stupid hats. It's a much-beloved tradition that for one night, all night, you don a hat of your own making, wait on members of the paper while observing the inner working of the Yale Daily News. There's a lot of new, fresh talent sitting in this room tonight. Rory Gilmore, an unflinchingly honest reviewer who shows no mercy, but a great deal of dark wit in her pieces. Paris Geller, whose interview with Professor Asher Fleming was the most intimate and revealing portrait of a complicated man that I have ever read. Glenn Babble, whose cartoon commentaries on the American family prove that he was never hugged a day in his life. It's hard work being here, but it's an honor. You're working with the best of the best. From here, you can go t PARIS: You know, you never told me what you thought of my article. RORY: Um, what article? PARIS: My interview with Asher Fleming. Did you read it? RORY: I skimmed it. PARIS: Oh, well, I have a copy in our room. I can give it to you tomorrow. RORY: You're a good writer. I'm sure it's good. PARIS: Yeah, but still, I'd like you to read it. I trust your opinion, and I'd like to be able to discuss it with you. RORY: Look, we're supposed to be taking dinner orders, so. . . [Paris' cell phone rings, and she answers] PARIS: Hello? Hi. DOYLE: [from across the room] No phone calls while you're wearing the hat! PARIS: Hold on. [to Rory] I will be right back. RORY: Where are you going? You're not supposed to leave while you're wearing the hat. PARIS: I will be right back. [grabs her coat and sneaks out] GLENN: It's a good thing high school had already beaten all the self-esteem out of me. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO JASON'S APARTMENT [Lorelai and Jason walk in] JASON: How could you talk through an entire movie? LORELAI: Well, nothing else was happening. JASON: An entire movie was happening. There were people in costumes and horses. Did you see the horses? LORELAI: I did see the horses. JASON: I thought you liked horses. LORELAI: I do like horses, but they never let them talk. JASON: Well, that's because this wasn't a talking-horse movie. You want some wine? LORELAI: Oh, I don't know. You're vibing my movie-watching habits. JASON: I am not vibing your habits. I'm merely saying that the large man in a wife beater sitting in front of us invited me into the lobby to discuss your habits, and had I accepted his charming invitation, I might be in traction right now. LORELAI: Oh, please. You could totally have outrun him. You're spry. [Jason hands her a glass of wine] Thank you. So, this is your place. JASON: This is it. LORELAI: Hm. Interesting. Very, very interesting. JASON: So, what's the verdict? LORELAI: Well, you're not a tchotchke guy. JASON: Yeah, I don't like too many objects around that have no obvious purpose. LORELAI: The purpose of tchotchkes is to make you happy. They make you smile. They make a room seem fun and whimsical. JASON: Well, I invite a clown over once a week to make the room feel fun and whimsical, so I feel all set in that department. LORELAI: I thought you said you had a dog. JASON: I do. LORELAI: Where is he? JASON: Over there. [he points to a dog sitting perfectly still in front of the fireplace] LORELAI: Oh. He's cute. . .and very still. JASON: Yeah, he's the best. LORELAI: What is his name? JASON: Cyrus. LORELAI: Cyrus, sure. Perfect name for a dog. Cyrus. Hi, Cyrus. Is he breathing? JASON: Yes. Cyrus was actually trained by the monks of New Skete. LORELAI: Oh, wow. JASON: He's incredibly well-behaved. He was housebroken in an hour. He has a two-bark minimum for delivery guys, three for everybody else, but the best thing about him is he doesn't do any of the standard "sit and lie down" commands. I taught him very special commands that only my dog could know. LORELAI: Like what? JASON: Uh, like. . .a little to the left. LORELAI: Shut up. JASON: Cyrus, a little to the left. [Cyrus moves to the left] LORELAI: What the hell's that good for? JASON: Well, what the hell is "sit" good for? LORELAI: When you sit, you get a cookie. JASON: Well, when you move a little to the left, you get the satisfaction of knowing you are doing something, but you are not pandering for a dog bone. LORELAI: Can he move a little to the right? JASON: No, not yet. We just do a little to the left until he hits the wall, and then I turn him around. LORELAI: You and your dog are extremely weird. JASON: Thank you. [they kiss] LORELAI: Thank you. [they kiss again] I'm not sure we're setting such a good example for Cyrus over there. JASON: Oh, you might be right. Cyrus. . . [gestures for Cyrus to turn around, which he does] LORELAI: Okay. Well, that one, I get. [they kiss again] CUT TO YALE NEWSPAPER OFFICE [Doyle is reviewing a student's article] DOYLE: Every week, you argue with me. STUDENT: But Doyle, it's a perfectly good article. DOYLE: Hey, we don't do "perfectly good" here. You want to do "perfectly good," go to Harvard. STUDENT: Jackass. [The student walks away and passes Rory, who is carrying a container of ice cream] STUDENT: Can you beat him to death with that? RORY: I don't think so. It's soft serve. [she walks over to Doyle] I got your ice cream. DOYLE: What is this? RORY: Strawberry ice cream. DOYLE: It has strawberries in it. RORY: I don't even know how to respond to that. DOYLE: I wanted plain strawberry ice cream without chunks of strawberries in it. This has chunks. RORY: I see one. DOYLE: I can't eat this. Take it away. RORY: Would you like me to get you something else? DOYLE: No, just forget it. Fine. Bring it back. RORY: Are you okay, Doyle? DOYLE: Yes. Why wouldn't I be? RORY: I don't know. You just seem a little bit annoyed tonight. DOYLE: Well, I have an issue to put out with a big hole on the back page because my editorial writers chose to be unopinionated today! RORY: And that's it? DOYLE: And I got rejected for a job as Yale's stringer to Time magazine. RORY: Ah, so, that explains it. DOYLE: This is a major blow to my career, you know. RORY: You're twenty. DOYLE: These things can follow you, Rory. One day you're feeling good, you're the fair-haired boy, and the next day you're Schleprock. RORY: You're not Schleprock, Doyle. DOYLE: Tell that to my dad. GLENN: Okay, I just have to say how amazingly unfair it is that I have a rubber band working its way into my brain, and Paris gets to bail. RORY: Paris isn't here? GLENN: No, she isn't. DOYLE: You didn't know she left? RORY: No, I knew that there was this thing with her family, um, that she was really concerned about. Well, you know she got that call, and her aunt is sick, and I heard her say something about going to the hospital so I think that's where she went. DOYLE: All right. Well, come get me the minute she gets back. RORY: I will. CUT TO JASON'S APARTMENT [Lorelai is lying in Jason's bed. Jason walks in with two glasses of water] LORELAI: Hey, do you have a Cosmo lying around? 'Cause I wanna see how many calories I just burned off. JASON: I've looked. It's 55. LORELAI: Oh, no, it's way more than 55. I know what 55 is, and that, my friend, was not 55. [he hands her a glass of water] Thanks. JASON: Are you cold? I could turn up the heat. LORELAI: Oh, please, enough with the bragging. JASON: So, you're good? LORELAI: I'm good. I'm gonna fall asleep extremely happy tonight. Hi. JASON: Hi back. LORELAI: Are you thinking about joining me back here anytime soon? JASON: Joining you. . .well. . . LORELAI: Jason? JASON: Okay, just remember, you like that I have little quirks. LORELAI: Okay. JASON: They're what make me me. LORELAI: You're not gonna ask to wear my dress, are you? JASON: No. Um, I was just wondering if you wouldn't mind sleeping in the guest room tonight. LORELAI: Well. . .didn't see that one coming. JASON: I am the world's lightest sleeper. I have chronic insomnia, so I just, I toss and I turn like a crazy person, and I can't sleep in the same bed with another person. LORELAI: You're serious? JASON: Yeah. LORELAI: You want me to go in the guest room? JASON: It's a really nice room. LORELAI: You know, why don't I just go? JASON: Oh, no, no, no, please, I swear, I want you to stay. I want to see you in the morning. I wanna make you breakfast. I want you to be here when I get up. Well, not here. . . in there, but - LORELAI: You know, Jason, you don't have to go to all this trouble just to get me to leave. JASON: I don't want you to leave. LORELAI: I'm a big girl, I can handle the truth. JASON: This is the truth. LORELAI: It's fine, I have things I need to do tomorrow. I should probably go home anyhow. JASON: Please, just look at the room. Just one look. A peek. You don't even have to use both eyes if you don't want to. LORELAI: One look. JASON: That's all I ask. Well, that, and you get out of the bed very slowly. LORELAI: You know what, don't flirt with me. I'm finding you weird right now. JASON: Fair enough. Here you go. [hands her a robe] [they walk to the guest bedroom] JASON: Here it is. LORELAI: It's okay. JASON: There are hundreds of great books in here, ranging from the classics - "Wuthering Heights" - to the real classics - "Valley of the Dolls." LORELAI: Nice taste. JASON: Fully loaded minibar - soda, candy, little bottles of hooch. A really great CD player, CD's down below, and a DVD library above. LORELAI: DVD's but no TV? JASON: Aha. [Jason presses a button on a remote control, and a plasma television rises up from the foot of the bed] JASON: Oh, come on, that is cool. LORELAI: Okay, fine, it's cool. The room is good. JASON: It's better than good. I would love this room. LORELAI: Well, you do know you can have it, don't you? JASON: I can't have any distractions in my room or I won't sleep. LORELAI: Really? JASON: That's right. TV, reading material, unbelievably gorgeous woman. LORELAI: I should at least get billing over the TV. JASON: It's plasma. LORELAI: Oh, right. JASON: So, what do you think? LORELAI: Well. . . JASON: There's Kiehl's products in the bathroom. LORELAI: Jason, I promise, if I leave, it won't be that big a deal. JASON: It'll be a very big deal to me. Please. Stay. LORELAI: Okay. JASON: Yes? LORELAI: Yes. Freak. JASON: Thank you. Even for the "freak," thank you. Uh, there's a loofah in the top drawer. Good night. LORELAI: Good night. [Lorelai climbs into the guest bed and turns on the television] CUT TO YALE [In the middle of the night, Rory is awakened by the sound of the suite door opening. She checks the clock and tries to go back to sleep. Paris walks into the room and purposely makes noise to try to wake Rory up.] PARIS: Whew. It's late. Late, late, late, late, late, late, late. Don't you wanna know where I was? RORY: No, I don't. PARIS: I completely lost track of time. I guess I should remember to take a watch with me from now on. Man, when I got that call tonight, I had no idea it was gonna go this late. Yes, it was quite a night. Tonight. You're sure you don't wanna know where I was? RORY: No, I don't wanna know where you were, and I don't wanna know what you were doing or who you were doing it with. I had to cover for you when Doyle noticed that you were gone, so I told him that you were at a family thing, and as far as I'm concerned, that's where you were - at your family thing. And in the future, I want nothing to do with anything to do with what you were doing tonight or who you were doing it with, especially who! Now, go to sleep. PARIS: I smell like pipe tobacco. RORY: Oh, jeez. CUT TO JASON'S APARTMENT [The next morning, Jason is cooking breakfast when Lorelai walks down the steps] LORELAI: Hi, Cyrus. JASON: Oh, good. Listen, would you still find me attractive if I were poor? LORELAI: Um, no. JASON: Ah, that's what I figured. Sleep good? LORELAI: I watched "The Daily Show," fell into the best sleep I ever had, woke up, watched "Fast Times at Ridgemont High," and had a vanilla-scented jacuzzi bath. JASON: Ah, so that's what the look on your face is. I thought it was from s*x with me. LORELAI: No, it's from the jacuzzi bath. Good morning. JASON: Good morning. Uh, coffee's over here. LORELAI: Thank you. Mm, the coffee smells good. Hey, can we, uh, not sleep together again tonight? JASON: Absolutely. You want cheese in your eggs? LORELAI: Why not? [sips her coffee] Mm, good. JASON: I think we're ready to go. [they walk to the table and sit down] LORELAI: Wow, look what you've done here. JASON: Well, I am trying to impress you. Trust me, once you're completely mad about me, it is back to corn flakes and beer. LORELAI: This is lovely. JASON: You are lovely. LORELAI: [tastes the food] Very good. JASON: Tomorrow I'll make blintzes. LORELAI: Um, listen, we should talk about what we're gonna do. JASON: About what? LORELAI: I mean, you know, what we're gonna, uh, say to people about us. JASON: Hm, how about "yahoo"? LORELAI: No, I'm talking about what we're gonna say to my parents about us. JASON: Oh, well, I thought we'd say that we're having repeated sexual encounters out of wedlock continuously as catholic schoolchildren are walking by. LORELAI: Perfect. JASON: No, you know. . .we like each other, we're dating - pretty simple. LORELAI: Nothing is simple when it comes to my parents. JASON: Okay, what do you want to say? LORELAI: I'd like to say nothing. JASON: Nothing? LORELAI: I mean, it isn't really any of their business anyhow, is it? JASON: Uh, no, but we can't just say nothing. LORELAI: It'll cause too many problems if they know. JASON: In my experience, these things have a way of coming out. LORELAI: How? JASON: I don't know. Somebody slips up. LORELAI: I never slip up. I'm completely non-slip. I'm like one of those rubber mats you stick in the bottom of the tub. JASON: Why can't we tell your parents about this? LORELAI: I just think it's weird. You're in business with my father and he won't like this. JASON: He'll get used to it. LORELAI: My father has never gotten used to anything. He still misses diesel fuel, for God's sake. JASON: You don't find it exhausting, keeping secrets? You have to watch everything you say. LORELAI: I always have to watch everything that I say around my parents anyway. JASON: Okay, how about we just tell one of them, just to see how that goes? LORELAI: Please, Jason. We will tell them eventually, I promise, just not now. JASON: Okay. They're your parents, and if you feel that strongly, then we'll wait. LORELAI: Thank you. [picks up a piece of bacon] Hey, um, can I feed this to Cyrus? JASON: Sure. [calls to the dog] Hey, Cyrus, you want the bacon? [Cyrus doesn't move] LORELAI: That is one strange dog, Jason. JASON: Yup. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Lorelai walks up to the front door and rings the doorbell. Suddenly several people walk up behind her] MAN: Excuse me. Do you know how much longer it's going on? LORELAI: [confused] Uh. . .no. . .uh. . . [A woman answers the door] DORRIE: Well, hello. MAN: Are we too late? DORRIE: No, of course not. MAN: Good. DORRIE: May I have your ticket, please? LORELAI: I don't have a ticket. DORRIE: Well, you can't take the tour without a ticket. [Emily walks over] EMILY: Excuse me, Dorrie, this is my daughter. DORRIE: Oh! Well, hello there. LORELAI: Hi. EMILY: Come in, Lorelai. LORELAI: Okay. [to the people behind her] Bye. [walks into the house] Mom, what is going on? EMILY: We let the Historical Society use our house for a walking tour. It's for a good cause, and I am never doing it again. [They walk to the dining room, where Richard and Rory are sitting at the table] RICHARD: It was supposed to end at five o'clock, Emily. EMILY: I know that, Richard. What do you want me to do, throw them out? RICHARD: This is not how it's done. This is not how proper charities work. You do not infringe on people's lives. You make a plan and stick to it. [The tour group walks past the dining room] TOURIST: Oh, look. They hired actors to be the family. How clever. RICHARD: We are not actors! EMILY: Richard, please. DORRIE: Oh no, folks, this is not part of the tour. Sorry, Emily. [ushers the tour group away] EMILY: That's quite all right, Dorrie. RICHARD: It is not all right, Dorrie. EMILY: Richard, just ignore it and pass the carrots. RICHARD: This is lunacy. I feel as if I was in a zoo. LORELAI: Well, Dad, you know what monkeys do when they don't like people staring at them in the zoo. RICHARD: No, I don't. EMILY: And you don't want to. LORELAI: How do you know? EMILY: I can just tell. [Someone starts playing the piano in another room] RICHARD: Don't play that piano! Don't you see the sign? There was supposed to be a sign. EMILY: There is a sign. RICHARD: Well, it's not a very good sign. DORRIE: [from another room] The house was built in 1906 by Stanford White. RICHARD: That's it. [leaves the room] The house was built in 1907, and he was a protégé of Stanford White. EMILY: I'm getting a migraine. [follows after Richard] LORELAI: So, you're a full-fledged newspaper-woman now. RORY: Yes, I am. LORELAI: Congratulations. RORY: Thank you. LORELAI: Now you gotta get yourself a nickname like Smitty and start talking really fast. RORY: Faster than I already do? LORELAI: Hey, whatever it takes. [Emily and Richard return to the dining room] EMILY: What where you going to do, hit the man? RICHARD: He went into my desk! EMILY: He was 85 years old. RICHARD: Well, it's never too late to learn a lesson. This is it, Emily. I mean it. EMILY: I know you do, Richard. RICHARD: The next time you plan a function, we will rent a hall and do it properly, like the fibromyalgia function last night. That is the proper way to raise money. LORELAI: You went to a function last night, you had a function tonight. . . EMILY: We didn't host the one last night. We were just guests. RORY: Was it fun? EMILY: It was fine. RICHARD: It wasn't here. It was perfect. EMILY: The food was terrible. The fact that people still insist on serving paella is simply beyond me. However, the room looked lovely. RICHARD: And the music was excellent. EMILY: And the guest list was very good - a lovely group of people, except for. . . RICHARD: Emily! EMILY: Would it have hurt the woman to buy an undergarment? LORELAI: [gasps] Who? RICHARD: She was a very nice girl. I wouldn't request to see her thesis on anything, but she was charming and a good dancer. LORELAI: Who's the dumb girl without the underwear? EMILY: Jason's date. LORELAI: Jason brought a date? EMILY: And I had to sit next to her all night. Oh, the fascinating time we had. I know all the best places to get my acrylics filled. RICHARD: Your mother is a snob. She was quite beautiful. LORELAI: She was, huh? EMILY: Well, she's perfect for Jason, I will say that. LORELAI: So, how beautiful was she? Are we talking Catherine Zeta-Jones or the weird-looking Hilton sister? EMILY: She looks like exactly the kind of gold digger who would latch onto an immature little con artist like Jason. RICHARD: My goodness, Emily, tell us how you really feel about the boy. LORELAI: But when you say gold digger, do you mean she was cheap-looking? EMILY: Yes. RICHARD: No. LORELAI: So is he serious about this girl? EMILY: Oh, who can tell? She looks like a perfectly fine first wife for him. LORELAI: Huh. [Someone plays the piano in another room] RICHARD: Now the old man is just baiting me. [storms off] What did I tell you about the piano? CUT TO THE DRAGONFLY INN [Lorelai, Sookie, and Michel walk through the inn, which is still under construction] LORELAI: You know, we don't have to put the reception area over there. MICHEL: I just want to know where my office is going to be. LORELAI: Fonzie used the bathroom as his office. SOOKIE: Yeah, what are you saying, that what's good enough for the Fonz isn't good enough for you? LORELAI: Yeah. MICHEL: Fonzie used that bathroom office only intermittently and not for any business for which he was paid. He had use of a private office at the auto shop he worked at, then access to the teachers' lounge where he taught night school part time. LORELAI: Oh my God, you're taking this Fonzie thing way too seriously. [Jason walks in] JASON: Lorelai, am I interrupting? LORELAI: Oh, hey, what are you doing here? JASON: Uh, I was on my way to New York, and I wanted to see this inn you're always talking about. LORELAI: Oh, well, uh, sure. SOOKIE: Hello, I'm Sookie. LORELAI: Um, Sookie's my partner here. JASON: Hi, Sookie, I'm Jason Stiles. SOOKIE: Yes, you are. MICHEL: Uh, Michel Gerard. LORELAI: And Michel is the manager of the Dragonfly. JASON: It's nice to meet you. LORELAI: Okay, so, um, I'm just gonna show Jason around. MICHEL: Take your time. LORELAI: Follow me. [Lorelai and Jason walk out to the front yard] JASON: Your friends seem really nice. LORELAI: Oh, they're the best. JASON: So, who do they think I am? LORELAI: What do you mean? JASON: Well, did you tell 'em we're dating or do they think I make your hats? LORELAI: They know who you are. JASON: This place is really great. LORELAI: Yeah, you think? JASON: I do. LORELAI: Good, that's good. JASON: Um, you seem a little distracted. Did I come at a bad time? LORELAI: No, you came at a perfect time. JASON: Perfect time for. . . LORELAI: I heard you went to a function the other night. JASON: Ah, fibromyalgia - a very dull disease. LORELAI: I also heard you didn't go alone. JASON: No, I didn't. LORELAI: So, you brought a date? JASON: Yes, I did. LORELAI: Okay, good. Well, that's good, I'm glad. Um, my mother said she didn't wear any underwear. JASON: Emily didn't wear any underwear? LORELAI: Your date didn't wear any underwear. JASON: Oh, I don't know that for a fact, but if Emily said so, far be it from me to call her a liar. LORELAI: Huh, okay. Hey, you wanna see the stables? JASON: Uh, sure. LORELAI: Well, there they are. Well, tour's over. Bathroom's to the left. JASON: You wanna tell me what you're bothered about? LORELAI: We're sleeping together, and you're taking bare-butted women to functions? JASON: Crystal is just a friend - LORELAI: A friend named Crystal? Who are you, Hugh Hefner? JASON: Whoa, whoa, wait a sec. I would have much rather taken you to that function. Trust me, Crystal is very sweet, but the mocking of the sick is completely beyond her capabilities. But you told me in no uncertain terms that your parents were not supposed to know about us, and since this is a function your parents would be attending, I thought taking you would be out of the question. LORELAI: Well, you could've gone alone. JASON: You don't go to these things alone. There are two seats and you're expected to fill them. LORELAI: Well, you could've told me so I wasn't blindsided by my parents. JASON: See, this is what I mean about keeping secrets. It never works. Let's just tell your parents, then we never have to have this conversation again. Lorelai, I am in a business where there are lots of functions. I have to go to those functions, and I don't want to take other people, but I'm gonna have to if you won't let me say something to your father. I have no interest in spending a second of my time with any other woman but you. And Eartha Kitt. LORELAI: Well, sure. JASON: So, what do you say? Can we end the madness and tell your parents? LORELAI: No. JASON: No? LORELAI: I know it's tricky to keep this a secret, but I just don't think it's time to tell them yet. And if that means that I have to adjust, then I have to adjust. And now that you've told me how you feel, I think it's fine if you take Crystal to these functions. JASON: Well, it's fine for you - you don't have to talk to the woman. LORELAI: Oh, sorry. JASON: Hey, maybe you don't understand. It's like beating your head against a wall with spikes. LORELAI: [laughs] Wanna see the apple trees? JASON: She thinks that Babe can really talk. LORELAI: Aw. CUT TO YALE [Rory is in a classroom waiting for class to start. A student rushes in and sits down next to her] STUDENT: Contemporary Political Fiction? RORY: Yes. STUDENT: Oh, good. I swore this semester would be different. I would get to class on time. I would finish my assignments on time. I would do everything on time. [gasps] I left my purse on the bench. [The student jumps up and rushes toward the door, bumping into Professor Fleming as he enters the room] PROFESSOR FLEMING: I haven't started speaking yet. RORY: [to another student] Asher Fleming is teaching this course? STUDENT: I know. Isn't it cool? [Professor Fleming recognizes Rory and walks over to her] PROFESSOR FLEMING: Ah, Rory Gilmore. We meet again. RORY: Hello, Professor Fleming. PROFESSOR FLEMING: You're taking this class? RORY: Yes, I am. PROFESSOR FLEMING: Wonderful. I look forward to it. After all, it seems very natural, doesn't it? Especially since you and I have someone very important in common, hm? Your grandfather. Good man. RORY: Yes, sir. Very good. PROFESSOR FLEMING: All right, well, let's get settled. The class is Contemporary Political Fiction. I am Professor Fleming. All those in the wrong class, please leave. How do you know you're in the wrong class? If you do not enjoy a good argument, if you find it difficult to voice a differing opinion, and if you cannot appreciate an intelligently cloaked insult, then you're in the wrong class. If all of these things appeal to you, then you are in for an interesting semester. I'll be handing out the reading lists.

Plan: A: Luke; Q: Who becomes overwhelmed by Lane's work ethic? A: the diner; Q: Where does Luke hire Lane to work? A: Tobin; Q: Who does Michel exhibit a profound jealousy of? A: Richard; Q: Who becomes irritated by the Chez Gilmore walking tour? A: Switzerland; Q: Where did Emily and Richard bring back treats from? A: Rory; Q: Who is less than thrilled with the new man in Paris' life? A: her contemporary political fiction class; Q: What class is Paris' new man teaching? A: Jason; Q: Who does Lorelai beg to keep their relationship a secret from her parents? A: a position; Q: What does Rory win on the "Daily Yale"? A: Jackson; Q: What is the name of Sookie's husband? A: a problem; Q: What does Michel need to get himself and Davey out from under? A: the Historical Society; Q: Who benefits from the Chez Gilmore walking tour? Summary: Luke becomes overwhelmed by Lane's work ethic when he hires her to work at the diner; Michel exhibits a profound jealousy of Tobin; Emily and Richard find the treats they brought home from Switzerland are widely panned; Rory is less than thrilled with the new man in Paris' life, especially when she learns that he's teaching her contemporary political fiction class; as Lorelai and Jason grow closer, she begs him to keep their relationship a secret from her parents; Rory's talent for millinery combines with her talent for writing to win her a position on the "Daily Yale"; inexplicably, Sookie and Jackson allow Michel to babysit for Davey, forcing Lorelai to come to the rescue when Michel, not being one to fail to disappoint, needs to get himself and Davey out from under a problem; Richard becomes intensely irritated when the Chez Gilmore walking tour benefiting the Historical Society overstays its welcome.

[Scene: Grams kitchen. Pacey, Joey, Jack, and Audrey are all gathered around helping Pacey prepare their meal] Jack: There you go. Joey: Thank you. Audrey: Do do do do Joey: ooh. Audrey: Mmm. Dee dee dee dee Joey: ooh, the rice is looking kinda gummy, pace. Pacey: Uh, no. It's risotto, Jo, and it's not gummy. It's just absorbing the stuff. Jack: Joey, please don't hinder the man's process, all right? I'm starving. Audrey: Yeah, me, too. What gives with the fancy rice? Pacey: It's risotto, and it can't just be cooked. It has to be built. Audrey: Well, that's awesome and everything, but if the plan is for us to bond, let's just order a pizza and give each other manicures. Joey: Audrey, aside from the fact that we said that we would have these weekly dinners and have obviously failed to do so, Pacey's cooking, on his night off, no less. I mean, we should at least welcome the break from dining hall fare. Audrey: Yeah, well, you promised me a Grams, and I see no Grams, so the evening is clearly ruined. I'm liking the decor, however. Hey, you guys ever go crazy and eat off the plates on the wall? Pacey: Hey, Audrey, you know that onion I asked you to chop? Audrey: Yes. Yes, I do. Pacey: Fork it over. Audrey: Oh, no. I'm sorry. I thought you were just trying to make me feel included by giving me a little task to do. I didn't... Joey: Hands Pacey the cut up onion] here, Pace. Joey: So, where are Jen and Dawson? I thought the festival ended yesterday. Jack: Yeah, Jen called grams, said they were stayin' an extra day. Something about, uh, soaking up the atmosphere. I don't know. [Scene: Outside Grams house. Dawson is retrieving his and Jen's bags from the back of his jeep] Jen: Oh, wow... back at Grams. Dawson: That's right. The harsh reality of life at Grams. [Laughs] The endless cycle of home cooked meals and grueling knitting sessions. Jen: [Chuckles] You mock me. Dawson: I do mock you. Jen: Ah, I just enjoyed our little escapist adventure. I mean... I don't know what I'm gonna say to her. Dawson: You don't have to say anything. Jen: Are you proposing that we sneak around, Dawson Leery? Because... you know, I am that kind of girl. Dawson: I am proposing that we just... enjoy what we have goin' on and don't worry so much about what to tell other people. Jen: Who is this footloose and fancy free boy? [Dawson leans Jen against a column and kisses her]Why don't we go inside? [Scene: Grams house. Dawson and Jen start kissing in the hallway and Audrey, then Jack and Pacey and finally walk in on their little kissing event.] Audrey: Hey, guys. [Silence and ackward stares all around..few smiles as well]Um... Pacey made rice. [Opening Credits] [Scene: Grams dining room. Pacey, Joey, Audrey, Jack, Dawson, and Jen are all gathered around a candle lit table eating dinner. Silence and ackward stares alll around...yet again] Pacey: It's not supposed to be this gummy. I mean, you're supposed to serve it right away before anything has a chance to coagulate. Jen: I'm sorry. That's probably our... [Clears throat] My fault for the coagulation. I just didn't know that everybody was gonna be here and-- Dawson: Or that pacey was cooking. Right. Who could have guessed? Jack: Already finishing each other's sentences. Audrey: [Clears throat and purposely stains her shirt] What--oh, my god. Will you look at that? What gets out rice? Joey, come help me. [Scene: Grams bathroom. Audrey tries to get Joey to open up and let out what she is feeling...since she did just witness Dawson and Jen kissing.] Joey: Subtle, Audrey. Audrey: Well, don't you need some serious girl talk right now? I mean, aren't you, at this very moment resisting the temptation to grab the butter knife and grind away slowly at your wrist? Joey: No, I'm fine. We didn't have to cause a scene. Audrey: No, we didn't have to, but, oh, come on, it's not like we're missing the dinner of the century out there. Seriously, Joey, are you ok? Joey: Yeah. Look, so they had a fun weekend together. They were kissing, and believe me, it's literally nothing I haven't seen before. Audrey: Oh! Yes, right! Joey, come on. This isn't, like, first week Audrey that you're talking to here. This is december Audrey. I am wise. I've been studying your people for a great many months, and I know how it works. And also, I know a thing or 2 about the casual kiss, and I'm sorry, but that kiss looked decidedly un-casual. Honey, I know that you're just this nice country girl who grew up on a stream, or whatever, but don't you know what I'm talking about? Joey: I'm sorry. Uh, what's the topic at hand? Audrey: Well, that clearly relations were had. You know, scantily clad and possibly fully naked relations? Oh, thank you for that image. I'm sorry. It just seems like you need a little slap in the face. Come on, woman. A reaction, please. Joey: I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I don't have a reaction. [Scene: Grams dining room. Jen gets up from the table leaving the guys alone] Jen: I'm gonna go see if there's something that I can do to help. I'll just be right back. Dawson: Ok. Jack: Ok. [Hums] [Scene: Grams bathroom.] Jen: Knocks and opens bathroom door] Audrey, um, do you need to borrow a shirt? Audrey: Oh, well, that'll be great. Thanks. [closes bathroom door] Jen: Ok. [Jen and Audrey walk down the hall] [Scene: Grams dining room. Pacey and Jack are smiling, giggling and staring at Dawson while still seating at the table.] Pacey: [Sighs] So... Dawson... Dawson leery. Dawson: That's my name. Pacey: Yep. Well, come on, man. Dawson: Come on, what? Pacey: Well, first off, why aren't you eating your risotto, but second and far more importantly, why, oh, why did you choose to take the lovely and talented Jen Lindley away for the weekend? Jack: A woman even my tribe can't resist? Pacey: A woman who has tugged at the heartstrings of rehabilitated rebels and frat boys alike, and here you are not sharing the details? Dawson: I got nothin' to share. Pacey: Really? So that's why you've been staring at the bathroom door like you wish you had telekinetic powers, which means to me that either you are very, very concerned about Audrey's wardrobe, or perhaps you're concerned about Joey. Jack: Hey, call me crazy, but I don't think Joey's gonna mind a little kissing, unless, of course, something more happened. Pacey: Now, there's an interesting idea, but what more could have happened? Dawson: [Sighs] Guys, I'm not gonna go over the bases with ya. Pacey: I didn't say bases. Did you say bases? Jack: Guys, we don't need details. Dawson: All right. I'll be right back. Pacey: Bases is plural. [Dawson walks out the room and closes the partition doors] Jack: Mmm. He did. Pacey: You think? Jack: Yeah. Definitely did. You feel different? I do. Pacey: I do. I feel different. I mean, here we have Dawson Leery walking amongst us, and I gotta tell ya, I'm a little worried that maybe he wasn't prepared. We didn't even get a chance to have the talk. How do you know? Jack: Mmm, it's not so much him as it is her. I mean, sick as it sounds, I know the look. Pacey: Oh, man. You know, we almost did, too. Jack: Mmm, I know. I know. Come to think of it, we almost did once, too. Pacey: Hmm. What do you think it takes? Jack: A virgin and a straight guy. Pacey: [Click] Damn. [Scene: Grams kitchen. Joey and Dawson are standing in the kitchen talking] Joey: I'm fine, ok? Um... you know, seeing you kiss someone else is always going to be a little weird. I won't lie, but... it makes perfect sense, you and Jen getting back together. Dawson: Yeah, I--I... I hadn't thought of it that way, the, uh, the "back together" part. I mean, we're such different people now. Joey: I guess we all are, I hope. Dawson: Yeah. Joey: So how did this... happen? Dawson: I don't know. It--it kinda took us both by surprise. Actually, um... I don't know. Getting out of my house really just kinda cleared a lot of the cobwebs out of my head. And--and everybody was so accepting of the film. And, uh, as stupid as it is, they put us in the honeymoon suite. Um... ah, there's no handbook for this, is there? Joey: No. Maybe we should think of co-authoring one. Dawson: Um... there's no graceful way of having this conversation. Joey: What conversation? I mean, we're talking about a kiss. [long lingering stare] Oh. Uh... [Laughs] No, this is-- this is kind of silly. Um, I should have known. I--I mean, when you two walked in the door together, I mean, I'm the last person in the world you could call naive. Dawson: Joey. Joey: No, really. I get it, ok? I mean, we don't have to make this into a thing. In fact, let's not make this into a thing, ok?[Joey opens the partition doors and walks out.] Dawson: Hmm. [Scene: Grams dining room. All are gathered at the table again.] Pacey: Well, I hate to break this to you guys given your obvious level of enthusiasm, but now, it's time for the second course. Joey: You know what, pace? If this cooking is stressing you out, and we're all tired from whatever, I mean... we could call this off if you want. Pacey: [Chuckles] Oh, no. It's a good try, but no, because there are many more courses to come, and although they may not be up to snuff for finicky sorts such as yourself, I put a lot of time and energy into them, so that has to be worth something, right? Joey: You want some help? Pacey: No, no. I'll be fine. Audrey: I need salt. Jack: You don't have to ask me twice. [Pacey, Joey, Audrey, and Jack walk into the kitchen leaving Dawson and Jen to themselves.] Dawson: [Sighs] So, they know. Jen: Mmm. Dawson: Right... [Clears throat] Oh, god. And Joey knows. Jen: Oh, boy. [Sighs] How did she react? Dawson: Like Joey. Jen: Is she upset? Dawson: Yeah, she is and she isn't. I mean... I don't know... [Clears throat] If you can make any sense of that. Jen: Man. Last week, she told me that, um... she couldn't think of anybody better to take care of you than me. I don't think this is what she had in mind. Dawson: As much as I love and care about those people in the next room, I'm happy with you. [kisses Jen's hand] Ok? And nobody else gets to weigh in on that. Ok? Jen: Ok. [Dawson kisses Jen and camera fades toward the open kitchen door where Audrey is peering out] [Scene: Grams kitchen. Pacey is getting the next course serving ready while Joey, Audrey, and Jack all stand around.Topic of conversation...Dawson and Jen.] Jack: Look, I'm just gonna say it, all right? I think it's a little weird. [Joey grabs a bag out of the covered and tosses it to Audrey whom Pacey snatches it from.] Joey: Really? I thought you'd be all for Jen being with someone like Dawson. Nice, sensitive... Jack: Shell-shocked, vulnerable? Look, come on, guys. Somebody's gotta say it. I just don't think it's the best time to experiment for either one of them. Aren't you a little glad I said that? Audrey: Ok, ok. But seriously, where's the Grams? You guys have been evading the question all night. What do you, like, keep her upstairs in the attic or something? Joey: You know what? Audrey's right. It's very inappropriate to be doing this without grams. I mean, this is her house, after all. Jack: No, no, no, no, no. If I'm stayin', you're stayin'. Joey: You live here. Jack: Less and less. It's not the will & grace thing it once was. Pacey: Ok, look, I know that leaving right now sounds tempting, and it would be easy, but somehow I don't think that the easy thing is gonna solve anything... in the long run. Audrey: Hey, um... what's goin' on in here? Pacey: It's, uh, lemon roasted chicken. Audrey: Is it supposed to be birthing the lemons like that? Jack: All right. If that doesn't wake up the taste buds, I don't know what will. Pacey: You stuff the lemons into the chicken for flavoring. Joey: Mmm. That's great. Let's serve it up. Pacey: No. No. It's not ready yet. Joey: Well, I, for one, prefer my chicken raw. I don't know what all the fuss is about. Jack: Yeah, sure. Why not? Cavemen used to do it. Pacey: Sure. That's a great idea. Go grab the plates. We'll serve it up, bloody as hell. [Joey walks through the partition doors into the dining room.] Dawson: Um, do they need some help in there? Joey: If you want. [Scene: Grams dining room. Jen comfronts Joey.] Jen: Um...Joey? Just so you know, um... for whatever it's worth, and I don't know what that is, but I just didn't-- I didn't plan on this. Joey: I didn't assume that you did. Jen: I know, I just, um... this boy has always been between us in one way or another, and I feel like you and I were finally getting close. And I would just-- I would really hate for that to be negated by this, um... development. Joey: You know what? Um, everyone seems to be operating under this assumption tonight that we're all going to react a certain way to this, and that that way is somehow going to be apocalyptic. I don't know how many different ways to say this, but I'm fine. Really. You're a good person, Jen. That's exactly what Dawson needs right now. [Scene: Pacey, Joey, Jack, Audrey, Jen, and Dawson are sitting down at the dining room table eating] Jack: Pace, if I spot a vein, do I win a prize? Pacey: So, perhaps the chicken was taken a bit before its time, but that said, I did serve you the cooked parts. 'Cause demented as my sense of humor may be sometimes, I'm not trying to unleash a health hazard here. So please, eat in peace. Jack: So, Dawson, aside from the obvious, how was the, uh, the film festival? Dawson: Um, I was afraid it was gonna be some little, like, hee-haw production, which it was, but, uh, in a good way. And, uh...um, I met this guy who goes to school in Boston. Actually goes to a film school here. I was thinking of checking it out. Joey: Really? Dawson: Yeah. Yeah, the idea of getting up each morning with a purpose beyond just getting through the day is actually kind of appealing. Joey: So then you would end up in Boston after all. Dawson: Yeah, looks that way. Jack: Well, that's really cool, man. I mean, if you decide to move here, there's plenty of room at Grams'. That's a definite possibility. Audrey: God and man! [Audrey stains her clothes yet again] [Scene: Audrey and Joey walk into Grams kitchen] Joey: Not again! Audrey: Joey, please. Joey: Excuse me. Maybe we should go over our game plan here. I mean, usually in these situations, the one who needs to talk is the one who freely hurls food on her friend's clothing. Audrey: Ok, well, I need to talk. Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. What can I do to make you feel more comfortable? [Sighs] Audrey, everyone's treating me like a delicate little flower in there. No thanks to these emergency rushes to the kitchen on the half hour. Audrey: Well, what is wrong with you? Why aren't you a delicate little flower? Have you no soul? Just a black, black void? Joey: Which question should I answer first? Audrey: Ok. He's moving to Boston. How do you feel about that? Joey: Fine. I feel nothing. Ok? Nothing. It's not the most shocking news in the world. Audrey: [Sighs] Joey: You know what? When dawson's father died, it canceled everything out. Understandably. Audrey: Yes. Joey: And yes, there was a point where there were possibilities, say-- I guess. I don't know. I guess I'll never know. And we both thought that things were going to happen, but what happened is that dawson lost his father. What kind of a person would I be if I didn't understand that? So, yeah, maybe... if this broke my heart, I wouldn't have any right to say so. Audrey: Oh, but, honey... you have the right to say anything you want when it comes to how you feel. Joey: It doesn't matter, ok? It is what it is. [Joey walks out of the kitchen] [Doorbell rings] Jen: Let me get that. [Jen walks to the door and opens it] Charlie: Hi. [Scene: Grams dining room.] Audrey: Um, pacey? Don't the salads usually come first? Pacey: Well, Audrey, those with sophisticated tastes usually save the salad for the third course because it cleanses the palette before dessert. Joey: Don't listen to her, pace. She can't even work the dorm microwave. Audrey: Well, I didn't have one growing up. Ok? My mother was afraid of radiation poisoning. Little did she know there were more dangerous things in the house, like her. Jack: Are we gonna eat, or what? Pacey: Don't you think we oughta wait on Jen? Jack: Here, dawson. Most nice, normal people would, but who knows how long pretty boy is going to take... to, uh-- oh, look. Bread. Dawson: Uh, I'm gonna check to see what's takin' so long. Be right back. [Dawson walks toward the front door and Pacey follows in his foot steps] Pacey: Dawson? I'm sure she'll be right in. Dawson: Trust me. I'm in no mood to cause a scene. I'm just gonna see if she's ok. Pacey: I'm all for scene causing. I wanna serve the guy up as garnish for the third course, but don't be that guy. And I know you, man. You're 10 times better than that guy. Dawson: Charlie? I should hope. Pacey: Not just Charlie. The guy who needs to check in long before the check in is due. If you start your relationship with Jen off like this, panicking every time she leaves the room, rushing out to size up the competition, which is, really, let's be honest, what you're doing here, then the whole thing is gonna have this needy overtone that, believe me, is a rocky road best left untraveled. Dawson: That guy doesn't sound a heck of a lot like me. Why do I get a feeling you're this guy? Pacey: 'Cause generally you're a very wise man. Dawson: I don't want you to think I don't appreciate your advice, 'cause I do. Pacey: But you're going out anyway. Dawson: Exactly. Pacey: Well, can't say I blame ya. [Pacey walks back to the dining room and Dawson opens the front door] Dawson: Hey. Is everything ok? Jen: Um, yeah. Am I holding up dinner? Dawson: Don't worry about it. We'll wait. Jen: Ok. Thank you. Just one second. Dawson: Take your time. [Dawson closes the door.] Charlie: [Sighs] Nice to meet you, too. Jen: You'll have to forgive my friends if they're not vying to meet you, but they're really good like that. Charlie: Listen, I don't expect you to invite me in for cocoa or anything. I just wanted to bring you this before finals. The thought of you studying without your flaming lips t-shirt saddened me. Jen: Thanks. Charlie: Anyway... not that I expect you to sympathize or anything, but, uh, Nora and I...aren't. Jen: That's great. Charlie: But it looks like you... are? Jen: His name's Dawson. And I would have introduced you guys if it weren't one of the more awkward meet and greets known to man. Charlie: Yeah. Jen: Not that this serves as an absolution, but it seems like I have a habit of picking the wrong guy, and-- and I feel like maybe this time I made the right choice. Charlie: Well, I honestly just want you to be happy, Jen. And I want you to know that. Jen: I am. Charlie: I hope to see you around sometime. Jen: Sure. From afar. At graduation. Charlie: Well, take care. Jen: Bye. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Grams dining room.] Jen: Sorry, you guys. Dawson: Everything ok? Jen: Yeah. Everything's fine. T-shirt returned. Case closed. Joey: You know what? I'm gonna get some more salad. [Joey walks to the kitchen.] Dawson: I'll be right back. [Dawson walks to the kitchen.] Jack: You know, uh, we need to, uh, change the music. Jen? [Jack walks away] Jen: Excuse me, I guess. [Jen walks away] [Scene: Another room in Grams house. Jen puts a cd in the cd player as she has a talk with Jack.] Jen: There. How's that? You happy now? Jack: No, not really. Jen: What? Do you think it's too poppy? Jack: Look. Look. Can we just pretend that we're best friends here for a minute? All right? You're sleeping with Dawson. I mean, come on, any steps you wanna fill me in on here? Jen: No. No, no steps really, I just... I don't know. It just happened, Jack. And I wish you could understand that. Jack: Oh, look. Look. I understand, all right? I mean, I'm close enough to both of you to know that even when you guys were platonic, you were putting yourself up on this first love pedestal, but, Jen, come on. The guy's father just died. He's just trying to piece together how to get along with his life, let alone his love life, and you-- you just stopped going with Charlie, what, a week ago? Jen: Is this about Charlie? Because I can't even begin to tell you on how many levels we're over. Jack: No, this is not about Charlie. All right? It's about you. I just don't think you're aware of how delicate this little scenario is, that's all. Jen: [Sighs] I am perfectly aware of how delicate this... I'm sorry, what did you call my relationship, little scenario, is? I mean, if you think that what's going on in the kitchen right now doesn't effect me, you're wrong, because it does. Jack: All the more indication that maybe it's a little too soon. Jen: Too soon for what? Dawson and I are just trying to figure out what's going on between us. Which would be a lot easier had we not come home to this lovely little intervention. Jack: Oh, come on, Jen. It's not like we planned it like that. It's a dinner, not an intervention. Jen: Well, it feels like it. I gotta ask, like, who are you to talk? Because you've conveniently erased yourself from my life for the past few months. Jack: Well, that's a 2-way street, Jen. You haven't exactly been reaching out to me, either. Jack: Well, maybe that's because I find it difficult to have a heart-to-heart with a guy who would choose a beer bong over his boyfriend. Jack: Oh, yeah? Well, maybe I don't wanna bother trying to explain to someone who's already made up her mind about me. Jen: Good, then you should know how it feels. It's like you haven't known me for the last few years if you think that I'm capable of hurting Dawson. How could you think that? Jack: Oh, I don't know, Jen. How can you write your best friend off as a 2-dimensional, beer-guzzling frat boy? Jen: It's not--it's not even that anymore. And it's not Dawson, is it? You and I used to operate like this perfect clockwork. You knew how I took my coffee, I knew how you liked your toast. I mean, what happened to those people? [Ackward silent staring between the two] [Scene: Returns to Pacey at one end of the dining table and Audrey at the other end talking] Pacey: Look, I'm just as happy living in denial as the next guy, but, really, is the food that bad? Audrey: Oh, no. I totally give you kudos for keeping it together tonight. Pacey: Well, I'm glad you're here, too, because, sympathetic as I am to the drama and whatnot, it is nice to look across the table and see a pair of eyes who's not really ready to kill herself or the person sitting directly to her right. Audrey: Hmm. Ok. To not hating each other. [Raises wine glass] Pacey: Cheers. [Scene: Grams kitchen.] Dawson: You know, if Grams ever does get home, she's not gonna be too pleased to find out you' rubbed the pattern off her bowl. Joey, I really appreciate whatever reasons you have for pretending you're fine, but you don't have to do that with me. Joey: Do you miss me? Do you miss being around me? Dawson: Yes. Joey, of course I miss being around you. Joey: It's just that, uh... when you were talking about school and moving, all I could think about was the distance between us. I mean, our lives used to happen together, Dawson. I think some part of you won't forgive me for changing the future. Dawson: No. No, Jo, I changed the future. I stayed. Joey: For what? Dawson: You know for what. Joey: Then what happened? Dawson, how did I go from being on the corner of possibility to being nothing at all. Dawson: You're not nothing at all, Joey. You're the furthest thing from nothing, ok? And I wish-- I wish I could give you an explanation. You deserve one. Joey: I don't-- Dawson, I don't want one because I deserve it. I don't want you to treat me how you think you're supposed to. I just... I just want you to tell me. Dawson: Something shifted when my father died. Something was lost. And, uh, part of me, the part of me that was still hopeful just thought that maybe you and I could be on hold. And then all of a sudden, this path that I was on, that seemed like such a great idea when I started it, just stopped making sense. And the more I tried to stick to my routine, the harder it was to breathe. And then when Jen and I got out of town, it was... it was like starting over. Joey: Do you think that things would have been any different if maybe I had gone with you? Dawson: I don't know. I can't answer that. I don't know. All I know is when I was with Jen, I felt like me. You know, not the censored version of myself, not the sad version of myself, just me. For the first time in a long time. And it--it... it felt good. Joey: And you feel like you can't be yourself around me. Dawson: Joey, you're just hearing what you want to hear. Joey: No, I think I'm hearing what you're afraid to tell me. Dawson: Joey, it hurts to be around you. When I see you, even from across the room, it brings up a thousand memories. Not just of us, but of my entire life before. It's like I'm frozen in this place that I can't bear to be. I care about you so much. As long as I can remember, everything's always come back to you. I mean, even no matter what was happening between us. Even the thought of you is at least a constant comfort, but... I can't go back. It just hurts. [Scene: Grams dining room] Joey: Pace, this looks amazing. Audrey: Yeah. Who delivered it, huh? Pacey: Say what you will, not that I have to tell you that. But this one might actually err on the side of edible. So, please do try it. Jen: Thanks. Dawson: This is really good, Pace. Joey: Is this espresso in the center? Pacey: It is indeed. Delivered fresh from my kitchen to your veins for a night of wakeful studies. Jack: Mm, very, very impressive, Pacey. Pacey: Thank you. Good to know that I salvaged something, though I promise that next time we do this, it will be much, much easier. Joey: Next time? Pacey: Oh, yeah. We can't quit now. You don't stop riding a bike just 'cause you smash into a tree. Joey: Well, it's just, like, we're all juggling with these new developments in our lives. Maybe we should take a break. Dawson: From each other? Joey: How did we get here? I mean, it seems like we've drifted despite our best efforts. Pacey: Oh, I don't know. You might be overestimating at best efforts. 'Cause I don't think a couple of drunken mishaps and the occasional cup of coffee really cuts it. Jen: Well, that's-- thank you. You know, maybe if we had actually done this dinner thing like we planned, the gap wouldn't have gotten so wide. Pacey: Well, I had to give my stellar cooking skills time to gestate. Dawson: It's only natural, guys, that we drift apart a little bit. I mean, trite as it sounds, we're not in high school anymore. Audrey: Do you guys know how lucky you are? I mean, I can't even name 2 people that I still talk to that I knew when I was 15. Maybe you shouldn't be taking it for granted. And plus, you know, none of them can cook, and they're all hepped up on goofballs. Jen: It is actually kind of amazing that we all still know each other. Joey: And I guess we can't really expect each other to be exactly as we were when we first met. Dawson: That's a lot to expect. Joey: A lot to live up to. Jack: Well, we're all still sitting here. Must be something worth sticking around for, right? Audrey: Well, sure, I mean, the dessert. Oh, and the lifelong friendships. Dawson: I'll toast that. [Everyone clangs their cups together] Everyone: Cheers. [Grams standing in hallway] Grams: Hello, everyone. Jack: Hey. Joey: Hi. Audrey: Whoo! Is this the Grams? Oh, no offense, but you're kinda a lot cooler than I thought you'd be. Grams: Oh, yes, I do seem to get that quite a bit. And you would be? Joey: Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Ryan. This is my roommate Audrey. Grams: Oh, so this is the Audrey. Your reputation proceeds you. Audrey: Oh, well, it usually does. Grams: Well, someone needed to gather the troops. Oh, it's lovely to witness this little reunion. And I want to hear all about the weekend, but I'm afraid I must retire this evening. Oh, and, Dawson, it's too late for you to go back to Capeside tonight. You'll spend the night with us. Dawson: Of course. Jack: [Coughs] Grams: Good night, everyone. Audrey: Good night. Joey: Good night. Jack: Good night, Grams. Dawson: Good night. Grams: Is that chocolate? Pacey: It is, indeed. And it just so happens I have a slice of this for you, Mrs. Ryan. Grams: Ah, Pacey Witter, you'll spoil me. Pacey: Good night. Jack: Well, not to break up an otherwise rocking evening, but, uh, I told some guys I'd meet them out, so I gotta go. Joey: You know, I should go, too. I have to get some studying in before it gets too late. Audrey: Yeah, I'm with, uh--Pacey, always a pleasure. You can make me a tart anytime. Pacey: Be careful what you wish for. Audrey: Ok. You got that one for free. Jack: Hey, you guys want to get some breakfast tomorrow? Is that cool? Jen: Yeah. That'd be nice. Dawson: Sure. Joey: Thanks for dinner, Pace. Pacey: My pleasure. Jen: Bye. Joey: You guys take care. Pacey: Um, I'm gonna start on the damage control in the kitchen. [Scene: Pacey enters messy kitchen with Jen tailing him.] Pacey: Hey. Jen: Hey. So I figure that I've heard a piece of everybody's mind today except yours. Hit me with your best shot. Pacey: [Chuckles] Well, I'm sorry, Jen, but I can't help you there. You'll get no judgments out of me. Jen: But that's awfully disappointing because Pacey's judgments are the best kind. Pacey: Well, how about this? I would be satisfied if everybody would just do what makes them happy and left it at that. Jen: But the planets would collide, and the sea would boil over with blood. Pacey: And don't I know it? But you did seem happy. At least for the first 5 minutes. Maybe not so much after that. Jen: Thank you. You know what? You shouldn't get stuck with cleanup duty. Leave it. Ok? Dawson and I will take care of it. Pacey: I don't know if that's penance or pity, but...I'll take it either way. Jen: I'd say that we should do this more often, but I think that we should give that further consideration in the light of day. Pacey: That sounds good to me. You have a good night. [Pacey kisses Jen on the forehead.] Jen: You, too. [Scene: Joey, Audrey, and Jack are walking down a street sidewalk.] Audrey: Joey, are you seriously gonna study all night? Don't you feel like going out and doing a couple shots or, like, I don't know, punching someone in the face? Joey: You mean, someone other than you? Audrey: Oh. That's right. Keep it up with the funny. Joey: Actually, I think the only thing I am capable of doing tonight is studying. [Pacey runs up from behind the group.] Pacey: Hey, guys. Oh! Hey! They freed me from my cleaning duties, so here I am. Jack: Sweet. You wanna come out with me? Pacey: Hmm, thanks, but no thanks. I think all my social graces have been used up for the evening. Audrey: Ya know what, though? No offense, but being cooped up with professor Potter all night is quickly losing its allure. Would you mind if I tagged along, Jack? Jack: Of course not. Audrey: Bye. Joey: Bye. Audrey: See ya, guys. [Audrey and Jack walk away talking with each other]Ok, we're so going to a gay bar. Your efforts to set me up definitely call for revenge. Jack: I don't know. I tried that once, it's not really my scene. Audrey: But you haven't seen me work a room. [Scene: Joey and Pacey still walking down the sidewalk together.] Joey: You know what I envy in you, Pace? Your ability to see the big picture. Pacey: Ah, well, I am the visionary of our generations. Joey: Seriously, I mean, when things got tough for you, you knew that the thing to do was to take a break from what was expected from you. I mean, it must have been incredible out at sea, to be able to start all over with yourself. Pacey: I think maybe you're giving me a little too much credit. The only thing I knew that I wanted was to get out of town. It's only later that it became a profound journey. [Chuckles] I mean, what do I know? I think it's just a part of growing up. Joey: I just feel like I'm acting like I think Joey Potter is supposed to act. You know, I'm-- everything that I thought I was supposed to want and to have is shifted. I just feel like I'm floundering. Pacey: Joey, you're stronger than I've ever seen you before. You got the new school, the writing, the new friends. You are becoming the woman that I always knew you were going to become. So where is the flaw in that? Joey: I guess you're right. I expected this from him. How could I possibly think that everything else would change, but we'd somehow remain the same? I mean, promises we made before we even knew how we would turn out, it seems a little crazy. Pacey: The things we really want always seem like a good idea at the time. Joey: Pace, I don't think I exactly wanted it. There was this small part of me that was relieved to get a break and was relieved to know that someone else was going to be taking care of him. And now... Pacey: You just didn't expect to lose your place? Joey: It sounds horrible. Pacey: No. It doesn't sound horrible, it just sounds like the truth. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. And things have a wonderful habit of working themselves out regardless of how you may plan them to the contrary. [Pacey hugs Joey] [Scene: Jen and Dawson are ascending the stairs to the attic in Grams house] Dawson: So, is this where you take your conquests to die? Jen: [Laughs] I hope you're not afraid of the dark. Dawson: You're not leaving me up here, are you? Jen: I don't think it would be very proper to have relations with you in my grandma's-- [Dawson picks her up and places her on the bed. He lays down.] No! [Laughing] Dawson, put me down! Put me down. Put me down. You know what I think is scarier than an attic? Dawson: What? Jen: A basement. Dawson: Why? Jen: Because it has stairs, and because things hide underneath the stairs. Dawson: You're afraid of things hiding underneath the stairs? Jen: Yes. And in closets and underneath the beds. Dawson: You are deeply disturbed. I had no idea. That is adorable. Jen: Hush. Well, it's a kind of thing that only boyfriends are privy to. So... wanna talk about what happened tonight? Dawson: Nah. Jen: How come? Guess you can't change reality. Dawson: No. There's even something cathartic about it. [Jen lays across Dawson's legs] Jen: I've had it with catharsis. I'm taking a break. Only for the winter months. Dawson: You can't have had it with catharsis. We've still got New Year's ahead of us. Jen: [Laughs] Dawson... can we just be boring? I want to be very, very, very boring. Dawson: Well, I hate to disappoint you, Jen, but, unfortunately, boredom is not exactly the feeling you inspire. Jen: No? Dawson: Mm-mm. Jen: [sits up] Dawson, I think that this room has possibilities. Dawson: What kind of possibilities? Jen: [lays down on opposite end of bed] The kind we can talk about tomorrow.

Plan: A: Pacey; Q: Who does Joey talk to about her feelings for Dawson and Jen? A: the gang; Q: Who does Pacey offer to cook for? A: The dinner; Q: What event does the gang plan on doing weekly? A: a tense atmosphere; Q: What is the atmosphere at the dinner? A: Joey's reaction; Q: What is at the forefront of everyone's minds? A: Dawson's new status; Q: What is Joey wounded by? A: Charlie; Q: Who drops by the dinner? Summary: Pacey offers to cook for the gang at their weekly dinner (an event they always plan on doing but have so far failed to stick to). Jen and Dawson return early and decide to keep what happened between them, but they are caught by everyone kissing at the door. The dinner continues with a tense atmosphere, with Joey's reaction being at the forefront of everyone's minds. She reluctantly accepts Dawson's new status with Jen, but is wounded when Dawson tells her that because of their history, it hurts to be around her. Charlie also drops by, causing some tension between Dawson and Jen. Joey talks to Pacey about her real feelings about Dawson and Jen.

Opening scene - Cohen's kitchen - shows a shot of Ryan looking worried, then Seth, then Sandy, then finally Kirsten at the fridge Kirsten: I have three sesame and one plain (motions to rolls) (shows close ups of Ryan, Seth & Sandy shaking their heads) Kirsten: look we're not gonna hear from the hospital for a while, why don't you guys get showered and dressed, and you (to Ryan) can't be late for your meeting with the dean. Sandy: I'll take em to school Kirsten: (to Sandy) You can't be late for your first day (nobody moves/leaves) Kirsten: Well if we're not gonna eat lets-lets jus, let's just go. (Kirsten heads out, Ryan and Seth get up and cross paths just as the phone rings. shows a close up of the phone ringing, then pans from Seth, to Sandy and then Ryan all looking worried) CUT TO: The hospital - Marissa is in bed, and Jimmy is sitting by her bed side. Jimmy brushes hair out of her eyes then we see Sandy & Kirsten at the door of her room. Sandy: (barely audible) Hey Jimmy: Hey (getting up to shake his hand) she uhh she just fell back to sleep but she was awake and uhh aware (Ryan sits down where Jimmy was) Jimmy: (to Ryan) thanks for uh calling the hospital...finding her if they hadn't airlifted her out she uhh Sandy: When can she go home? Jimmy: Uhh they said in a-in a day or so, they wanna keep her under observation Kirsten: That's hospital policy (Julie walks in) Julie: So I guess there's no need to worry right...I mean a teenage girl palms a dozen pain killers and washes it down with tequila...its perfectly normal right (to Kirsten & Sandy) what are you doing here? Jimmy: I called them Julie: What Marissa needs right now is to be with her family...no visitors (looks at Ryan) Sandy: Well let's go...we should go Kirsten: (to Jimmy) If you need anything Jimmy: Thanks (Ryan stands, shows shots of Ryan, then Julie then Jimmy watching Marissa. then the Cohen's leaving the room) CUT TO: Hospital corridor Sandy: (to Ryan) Don't take it personally. Julies just been through...every parents nightmare Kirsten: I'm sure she'll apologise Sandy: (suprised) you are? Its Julie cooper we're talking about (Julie walks up behind them) Julie: Excuse me, Ryan can I talk to you for a sec (Ryan walks over to her) Julie: I don't know what happened in Mexico, but here's what I do know. Since you showed up Marissa's ben a wreck, comes home crying, doesn't want to go to her own catillion, having problems with her boyfriend(pause) and now you can add another shining accomplishment to your list of achievements. In addition to stealing cars, burning down houses and befriending wood be assassins (pause) You've almost killed my daughter (Ryan looks shocked) Ryan: You can blame me all you want (pause) but I would never do anything to hurt Marissa (Julie looks un-phased and calm) Julie: well you're not going to get the chance because you're never going to see her again, you even try and I'll make sure you're thrown back in juvi where you belong (Julie walks away leaving Ryan stunned) Theme song - California by Phantom Planet The Harbor school - Kirsten, Seth & Ryan are walking Seth: well, so wait, I don't get it Luke's the one that she should be blaming not you Ryan: She doesn't know that Seth: So why didn't you tell her Ryan: I'm just glad Marissa's ok Kirsten: Uhh guys I'm gonna check in with the events committee, so I'll catch up with you at the deans office Seth: yeah Kirsten: Ryan don't be nervous, you're gonna do great (Ryan looks worried, Kirsten walks off leaving Ryan and Seth alone. Shows a shot of what Ryan is looking at) Ryan: (stunned) This is school Seth: Mm hmm. Ahh registration week Ryan, it's my favourite time of year because your fellow students aren't around to ruin it (kid walks past) except that one Ryan: you guys have tennis courts and a swimming pool Seth: I'm guessing you didn't at your old school Ryan: ah, well we had a basketball hoop CUT TO: A shot of the Harbor school Newport Beach logo, then pans to Seth and Ryan walking up to Kirsten who is with a group of teachers Kirsten: oh hi guys Seth: Hi Dr Tally, Miss Kimberly, how're you guys doin (they don't say anything) Seth: kay (walking away) my mums more popular then me, that's a little bit pathetic I realise. Oh hey, ah after your meeting we gotta get your photo taken for school ID Ryan: Another mug shot Seth: If you must be so cynical CUT TO: Sandy getting his photo taken at what we assume is his new workplace. Rachel is with him. Rachel: Oh yeah, that ones a keeper Sandy: So when do we do the retina scan Rachel: Friday Sandy: (suprised) I was joking Rachel: So was I, good thing we didn't hire you for your quick wit Sandy: Well god doesn't give with 2 hands (I think that's what it says?) Rachel: come on, time for you to meet your team. Ok you'll be assigned your researcher, two paralegals and a file clerk to do all the heavy lifting for you. Speaking of which let me show you our state of the art gym! Sandy: Oh you guys have a gym Rachel: You didn't at the PD's office? Sandy: Oh, we had a basketball hoop CUT TO: The Harbor school - Ryan and Kirsten are sitting outside the dean's office Kirsten: Everything's gonna be fine Ryan: (sigh) its just, it's you know at hales (I assume old school) you sorta showed up, no essays, interviews, tests (sigh) Kirsten: Ryan the Harbor school is one of the best private prep schools in the country; if you graduate from here you can get into any college in the UC system, maybe even an Ivy League Ryan: I don't really think I'm an Ivy League kinda guy Kirsten: After a year or two here you will be Ryan: college huh Kirsten: Yeah CUT TO: Seth walking up Kirsten: (o/s to Seth) what'd you get? Seth: Uhh AP history English calculus and physics and French four, good thing I don't have a life (to Ryan) what is wrong? Are you nervous? Kirsten: Seth would you please tell Ryan that Dr Kim is very nice Seth: Oh yeah, she is sweet! (Ryan looks at them both, still worried. Dr Kim walks out) Dr Kim: Kirsten, how are you? Kirsten: Hi (shakes her hand) nice to see you Dr Kim: Good to see you, Seth always interesting to see you. And you must be Ryan, why don't we step into my office. CUT TO: Sandy's new office, He and Rachel walk in Sandy: Well, this doesn't suck! Rachel: That eloquence will serve you nicely on the stand Sandy: Like you guys ever actually go to trial Rachel: You're one of us now Sandy, better start wrappin your head around it (pause) so, is your family all excited about your first day? Sandy: My wife LOVES being married to a corporate sell out, right-right-right- right, wrappin my head around it (guy wheels in a trolley full of case files) Sandy: You gotta be kidding me Rachel: Yeah, I figured you'd wanna dive right in (Sandy looks at one of the boxes) Sandy: Chemical peel gone awry, fascinating, bad botox injection, noise complaint on a yacht Rachel: scintillating Sandy: In the pure sense of the word Rachel: Don't be a snob Sandy: Just defend them, right. rich people need lawyers to! CUT TO: The Harbor school - Dr Kim's office with Ryan & Kirsten) Dr Kim: (off screen) Weak grades, truancy Dr Kim: notation regarding some criminal activity (sighs) Kirsten: It was a misdemeanor, probation Dr Kim: None the less, not exactly Harbor school material Kirsten: Dr Kim Ryan's had alot to overcome, but Sandy and I feel that in the right environment he could really excel Dr Kim: There's no doubt that Mr. Atwood has extraordinary promise. I'm just concerned that he hasn't had, adequate preparation for the rigors of our curriculum Kirsten: Or are you concerned about the pressure from parents who don't want Ryan here (Dr Kim looks suprised at what Kirsten said. Ryan looks impressed) Dr Kim: That's definitely a consideration, but not a decisive one (Kirsten rolls her eyes) Kirsten you know as well as I do how bright and motivated our students are. those that aren't bred for USC go off to Harvard and Yale. I just think a place like Newport union might be a better fit for a student with Ryan's background Ryan: My background? (Dr Kim looks suprised) (sighs) I can't change where I'm from but I can change where I'm going Dr Kim: Ryan, you understand that if you did fail you would lose a year, not to mention self confidence (Ryan scoffs) Ryan: With all due respect Dr Kim, if you think not letting me in is gonna inspire self confidence (sincerely) Give me a shot Dr Kim: You got great test scores. I definitely responded to your personal essay. Your grades are... borderline...but acceptable. If you could pass a placement exam...It's not an aptitude test, it measures your preparedness, what you've learnt not how bright you are Ryan: Just tell me where and when! The Harbor school - Seth at a group of tables reading, Summer walks up Seth: Summer, hey Summer: (smiling) Hi (Seth motions for her to join him and she does) Summer: It is so weird being in school right now, surrounded by all these people who have like...no idea Seth: I know...have you talked to Marissa? Summer: I spoke to her mom... you? Seth: Ah, We went by this morning but she was sleeping (pause) I think she's gonna be ok though Summer: I still can't believe it, you know... I thought she was dead Seth: Me too...well hey maybe when she's feeling better we'll um, we'll take her out and try and cheer her up. Take her to a movie or, six flags that kinda thing Summer: Yeah, I guess... Seth: Maybe before then if you want ah, I don't know you and me could go see a movie...or something (off screen girls say hi to Summer, and look weird as they see her with Seth) Summer: Hey, guys (Summer looks uncomfortable) Summer: Look, Cohen, this years all messed up, I mean Marissa's in the hospital, I'll never speak to Luke or Holly again...you and I w Seth: (cuts her off) Oh yeah its fine, we're back in school now old rules apply (Seth looks hurt as he motions her to go) Summer: (barely heard) sorry CUT TO Marissa's hospital room - Jimmy walks in with coffee and hands it to Julie, Marissa is asleep Jimmy: Strong sedative huh Julie: Yeah, she needs to sleep (takes a sip of coffee) and we need to talk (gets up and moves close to the door) Look um Jimmy, you and I we need to present a united front. It's hard enough this forcing us to be in the same room together Jimmy: Thanks Jules, you got a great, great bed side manner Julie: Calling the Cohen's this morning was completely inappropriate. You know I don't like that Brian (a close up of Marissa asleep) Jimmy: (off screen) Ryan Julie: (off screen) I don't want him anywhere near Marissa (Marissa begins to stir) Jimmy: (whispering) Marissa said it was an accident, ok there's-there's no one to blame (Marissa opens her eyes, and listens, cut back to Julie & Jimmy) Julie: well that's a convenient position to take considering you're the one who let her go to Tijuana in the first place Jimmy: Oh, so uh now it's my fault? Julie: You're the one who destroyed this family Jimmy, you lied to us, you stole money from your clients and your friends. Why do you think she took all those pills? Jimmy: (scoffs, whispers) You cannot honestly believe that Julie: I left her in your care for one weekend and look what happened...which is why I'm asking the judge for sole custody (Jimmy looks shocked, a close up of a shocked Marissa is shown) Jimmy: Julie, come on, you can't Julie: Getting the girls away from you is my only chance to give them back some semblance of a life, and if you fight me on this I'll take you to court and you'll be lucky if you even get supervised visitation Jimmy: Yeah well you're gonna have to because (whispers) I am not giving up my kids Julie: You may not have a choice (off screen - a close up of Marissa with her eyes closed, and a tear rolling down her face) I'm going back to check on Caitlyn and the sitter. You should get cleaned up, you're a wreck (Marissa opens her eyes, waits for Jimmy to leave then gets her mobile out of the drawer, she is clearly upset) CUT TO: The pool house - Ryan is studying an old test of Seth's and Seth is talking to him Seth: It's a good thing I never thrown anything away, the questions are different but you get the idea Ryan: Yeah, that I'm gonna fail Seth: Hey, no you're not gonna fail ok, you have to get in. I will not spend another year at that school alone, ok please, thankyou. study. (pauses) Especially though, if all it takes is a couple a cheerleaders walking by and suddenly it's like mmm Summer and I we jus, we just didn't happen (Ryan looks at him) Seth: Sorry, you study (pause) here's the thing though Ryan (Ryan looks frustrated) we connected, right we connected and it was awesome, especially the part where she kissed me, I do believe I might've ma Ryan: Seth! I have two hours until I take this test, so unless you plan on attending Newport union high wi Seth: Right, got it less talking more study (phone rings and they both look at it) Seth: Don't move! I'm gonna get that, you...keep studying Hello...hey Marissa, hi um yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah sorry sure (Seth hands the phone to Ryan) Ryan: Hey...o, ok...alright, um ok ill be there, bye (to Seth) she's upset, something with her parents, an her moms going home for a little while so Seth: wh, what about the test? Ryan: I'llll be there I'll just have to do the best that I can Seth: wel, hey not to bum you out but what if that's not good enough? Ryan: Well then... Dr Kim is right (walking out) I'm not Harbor school material (Seth now looks frustrated) CUT TO: Marissa's hospital room - Marissa is sitting up in bed, and Ryan knocks, Marissa smiles when she sees him and he walks in with flowers and sits next to her bed Ryan: Hey Marissa: Hi! Ryan: These are for you, uh its all they had left at the gift shop...I'll just uh Marissa: I'm sorry...I was so dumb...what I did I Ryan: hey-hey-hey-hey, don't worry Marissa: wasn't (sincerely) I didn't wanna kill myself...I didn't...I just wanted to...escape Ryan: yeah, I know (Ryan and Marissa both smile, then they hear Julie talking to a nurse and both look worried) Julie: (off screen) Excuse me nurse, when you get a chance lunch please Marissa: (to Ryan) you should... (motions to hide) (Ryan quickly runs into the bathroom, just before Julie walks in) Julie: Ooh, sweetie you're awake, aw, how are you feeling? your sister sends her love Marissa: mm (frowning) my throat hurts Julie: It's because they had to pump your stomach honey (sees the flowers) Where did that thing come from? Marissa: oh I, I don't know Julie: It's from him (shot of Ryan) he came here didn't he after I told him not to, after everything he's done to y Marissa: He didn't, I, it wasn't his fault Julie: Honey you keep saying that but before he got here (shot of Ryan) you were happy Marissa: You think I was happy? Julie: Well if you weren't you never told me about it Marissa: I tried! but y Julie: (cuts her off) I need to talk to the nurse, the security in here is appalling (Julie leaves and Ryan comes out) Marissa: I'm sorry about that y, you know about her Ryan: that's ok, I should go and take this test but I'll be back first chance I get Marissa: I don't know...with my mom I Ryan: I'm not afraid of your mom Marissa: Well, I am CUT TO Cohen's kitchen - Seth is reading a comic and Kirsten walks in Kirsten: Did you ask, Ryan what he wants for lunch Seth: He doesn't want any, he's on a diet Kirsten: why is he on a diet? Seth: WHY is he on a diet? Kirsten: Well I'm gonna ask him because I wanna see how he's doing on his Seth: mom-mom-mom-mom-mom (grabs her as she walks past) uh he's in a state of deep-deep-deep zen like concentration right now, ok Kirsten: Well he still needs to eat Seth: (desperate to stop her) HES NAKED! alright...he's naked, he studies in the nude it's a Chino thing, ok and I think that if you were to walk in on him...naked and dad was to find out I think that suspicions might be raised. a house divided... will not stand! (door bell) Kirsten: You and I still need to talk about your little suprise trip to Tijuana! Seth: Ok, I can't wait (Kirsten opens the front door, its Jimmy) Kirsten: Jimmy hi, is Marissa ok? Jimmy: Yeah she's-she's doing better thanks uh its Julie who's giving me the problem...is Sandy coming home for lunch? Kirsten: Uh n, no he-he just started a-a new job today why what's going on? Jimmy: Uh she's suing me...for sole custody, maybe even supervised visits Kirsten: Why would she do that? Jimmy: Well my question is can she, I just need to know what kind of shot I have at joint custody given what I've put my family through...I just wanna know what kind of case she has Kirsten: Come on in, I'll get Sandy's new number Jimmy: I'll just uh, I'll-I'll wait out here, I mean, y know Kirsten: Jimmy, we have been friends for to long to let something like this...it was just a Jimmy: It was stupid, it was-it was-it was monumentally...stupid, I'm s, I'm sorry Kirsten: It's ok...I mean it's not kobo its, its ok Jimmy: I mean you and Sandy are the only friends I have left...I definitely don't wanna lose you Kirsten: you wont, so are you comin in or what? CUT TO Marissa's hospital room - Marissa is on her mobile listening to her dad's answering machine msg Answering machine message: Hi you've reached Jimmy Cooper, I'm not in right now but please leave a message and ill get back... (Marissa hides the phone when she hears the door open) Julie: Security said they'd do what they can but I don't know...you know this is exactly why I thought Sandiego would be good for you (Marissa looks confused) Marissa: Sandiego? Julie: Dr Bourke has a facility there Marissa: who's Dr Bourke? Julie: oh well uh she's a psychiatrist, highly recommended, she runs an institute for young women who are troubled Marissa: You're sending me to a mental institution Julie: It's a recovery centre... oh honey...I know you don't understand but...I would rather have you hate me now then risk losing you again Marissa: Does dad know about this? Julie: well I think some time away from your father would be good for you to Marissa: well...what if I don't wanna go Julie: That's for Dr Bourke to decide, she'll be here after lunch to evaluate you. Please honey just talk to her, let her help you...and then we can get you out of here and you can start to get better Marissa: Yeah, um if it's ok I just need to use the bathroom Julie: of course (Marissa grabs her phone and takes it with her in the bathroom, Julie fixes Marissa's bed and throws out the flowers Ryan gave her) CUT TO: Seth's bedroom - Seth is sitting on the bed reading when there is a knock on his door) Seth: Not now mom I'm studying naked Summer: eewww Seth: Summer? come in Summer: ah noo way (Seth opens the door) Seth: I'm not naked (Summer is covering her eyes) Summer: no-no-no-no (Summer looks after a few seconds) Summer: mmm kay, I don't get it (walking in) what kind of family do you have Cohen? Seth: The kind where mothers and sons wear clothes...always...even in the shower Summer: hmm (looking around his room, sees Captain oats) (laughing) What...is this? Seth: uh I don't know, I've never seen it before Summer: ah huh, what's its name? Seth: I don't know (Summer looks at him as if to say, come on you're already busted) Seth: Captain oats, what are you doing here? (Summer puts captain oats down) Summer: Coop just called, she's freaking out, her moms threatening to ship her off to the insane asylum Seth: really? Summer: Yeah, I'm serious, I've gotta do something Cohen, I need to get radical...I need Ryan Seth: well you can't have him he's taking a placement exam, what's wrong with me though, am I not radical enough? Summer: well that depends...are you ready to take on Julie Cooper? Seth: We need Ryan! Summer: Yah (they both head out) Seth: That's my bed Summer: ok Seth: I just wanted you to know Summer: Uh huh CUT TO Sandy's office - Sandy is on the phone and Rachel walks in Sandy: (on the phone) No, it's a very fair offer given the merits of the case...ok (Rachel rolls her hands at him as if to say speed it up)...I'll think it over, goodbye Sandy: My wife does that thing with her hands when she, she's really pissed off with me Rachel: Your wife and I have alot in common...you've been here half a day and you've booked court dates for 5 of the 7 cases you were assigned Sandy: Do I win the free set of steak knives? Rachel: Sandy, this isn't how they do things around here and I could keep this off the partners radar for now but you've gotta understand Sandy: Understand what? I'm going to court, I'm takin em on, I'm bringing em down, especially this b*st*rd who won't let his neighbour grow his hedges over his own fence Rachel: look, you know how much time and energy goes into trying one of these, if you settled you could handle twice as many cases and we're in a volume business here Sandy: Like cosco...look I, I thought the whole reason you brought me here is cause you wanted a trial attourney, you know who's committed and passionate and blah blah blah Rachel: Yes and when one of these cases actually deserves to go before a jury the courtroom is all yours, but in the meantime I need you to pick up the phone and passionately negotiate some settlements (Sandy laughs) Come on I put my ass on the line to get you this gig, please, do it for me CUT TO: The Harbor school - Ryan is doing his test; Seth & Summer walk in and interrupt it) Seth: Hey Ryan: What're you guys doing here, Dr Kim's gonna be back any minute Seth: Yeah I know this isn't the best time but we uh Marissa needs you, right now, or us I've just Summer: Her mom's gone psycho, she's having her committed (Dr Kim walks in) Dr Kim: WHAT is going on in here? Seth: Hi Dr Kim, this is not what it looks like but there's kind of an emergency Summer: Yeah we just need to borrow Ryan for a little while Seth: (over summer) we're gonna bring him back Dr Kim: Ryan is not going anywhere (Seth and Summer talk at the same time) Seth: ok, but there's kind of an emergency Summer: you don't understand Dr Kim: you two out, out now, goodbye, goodbye (Dr Kim shuts the door) Ryan: Actually I gotta go to Dr Kim: Have you finished the test? Ryan: no but I Dr Kim: Ryan if this is to difficult tell me, if the Cohen's are pressuring you to go to this school Ryan: its not to difficult and they're not, I wanna be here Dr Kim: then prove it, sit down finish the test Ryan: I can't Dr Kim: Ryan if this is the level of commitment you plan to bring to your studies here at the Harbor school Ryan: Dr Kim I really don't have time to argue with you right now Dr Kim: There is no argument, you walk away from this test, you walk away from this school (Ryan thinks for a second) Ryan: you're probably right, it wouldn't of worked out anyway, sorry for wasting your time (Ryan leaves) (Seth and Summer are waiting for him outside) Ryan: Let's go [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Marissa's hospital room - Marissa is sitting in a chair with her arms crossed; clearly not wanting to be there, Dr Bourke is asking her questions Dr Bourke: So your mother tells me you struggled with anorexia in the ninth grade Marissa: my moms convinced it was anorexia...it was just tennis season, I was really stressed, that's all. Dr Bourke: And tenth grade you were caught shop lifting Marissa: it was just a lighter and a pack of cigarettes Dr Bourke: Do you still smoke? Marissa: Not really Dr Bourke: Drink?... would you say you drink alot? Marissa: I guess I mean what's alot Dr Bourke: have you ever had so much to drink that you blacked out (Marissa doesn't answer) Tell me about this passed year, your dad's legal troubles bankruptcy, your parents separating...homes probably the last place you wanna be right? (Marissa shrugs) your mom mentioned a boyfriend, Luke Marissa: he's not my boyfriend anymore Dr Bourke: really, you wanna tell me what happened? Marissa: anything I say your just gonna use against me to prove to my mom that I'm troubled, right Dr Bourke: I'm not here to judge; I'm here to listen and try to help Marissa: You're here because my mom would rather have me shipped off to a mental institution then have to deal with what's really going on Dr Bourke: I'm here because accidentally or not, you nearly killed yourself (pause) and you wanna tell me what's actually going on? with you and your mom Marissa: (shrugs) how much time do you have? Hospital corridor - Ryan & Seth are waiting for Summer Seth: This isn't good man, Summer should have been here by now Ryan: She better be here soon Seth: well what if something happened? right I mean Marissa's dad can't even get her outta here how are we supposed to be able to Ryan: not by waiting for Summer (walks over to receptionist) Hi we're here for Marissa Cooper (a shot of Summer wearing a candy stripers outfit) Summer: uh its ok Denise, they're with me. Seth: good--lord Summer: what? I told you I was a candy striper Seth: I...thought you were kidding Summer: It's for charity, all the girls do it Seth: I should be hospitalised more, I Summer: Well if you need any help! Ryan: Ok guys (to Summer) can you get us in the psych ward or not? Summer: Just try to keep up with me Ryan: Cool, Seth your on lookout Summer: Hi Gloria, I know it's my day off but I just cannot get enough of sick people, these guys are gonna help me with the sponge baths Seth: hmm, dibs on that guy! Still at the hospital - Dr Bourke is talking to Jimmy & Julie about Marissa Dr Bourke: I'm not saying that we need to keep her on suicide watch but there are definitely some underlying issues that she hasn't been dealing with Julie: but you can help her? Dr Bourke: I can recommend further treatment, psycho dynamic therapy, group work Julie: at the institute Dr Bourke: At the institute or here in Newport I see patients or I can refer you Julie: no-no I want her to get out of Newport it's too chaotic for her here right now Jimmy: She can't leave now she's got school, she's got her friends, I think uprooting her now would do more harm then good Julie: She almost died Jimmy how much more harm can she do Dr Bourke: Alright you decide, I need to check in with the institute, scuse me Jimmy: thanks Julie: she's going to the institute Jimmy: she's not going anywhere Julie: don't make me call my lawyer Jimmy: go ahead, ill call mine Julie: I'm gonna go talk to Marissa (Julie walks out and talks to Dr Bourke who is on the phone) Julie: excuse me, Dr Marissa's father and I have discussed it, I've got a bag for her in the car and I can drive her down myself tonight Dr Bourke: I'll make the arrangements Julie: thankyou Marissa's room - Julie is telling Marissa about the plan Julie: (holding Marissa's hand) I know this may be difficult for you to hear but Dr Bourke and I think it's for the best Marissa: Well what about dad? Julie: well he just wants what's best for you to sweetie. now Dr Bourke and I have to finish some paperwork so you should get dressed ok (Marissa nods) I'm glad you're taking this so well Marissa Marissa: yeah well, if it's for the best right Julie: mm, I love you honey (kisses Marissa's head) ok, get dressed I'll be back Marissa: bye (she watches Julie leave then gets out of bed just as Ryan comes out of her bathroom) Marissa: (big smile) How'd I do? Ryan: you almost had me convinced! here (hands her a bag) (Marissa holds up a candy stripers outfit) Ryan: It's uh, its Summers idea, it's for uh, for cover Marissa: (smirking) sure, Summers idea. (they both smile, Ryan turns around so Marissa can change, but turns back for a split second) Marissa: Hey! no peeking (Marissa takes off her hospital gown, exposing her back) Hospital corridor - Seth & Summer are waiting for Ryan & Marissa Seth: (picks up a book from the trolley Summer is pushing) Hey! madam bovary (whistles) This old bear (?) can really turn a phrase Summer: I guess, it was kind of a bummer, I mean I know Emma got her heart like totally broken but why'd she have to go and eat arsenic(?) Seth: You've read madam bovary? Summer: five times, its Tom Sheralds favourite book...ooh I should go check on him, he's two floors down he's like incontinent Seth: you're a strange and mysterious woman Summer (they see Julie & Dr Bourke walking towards them) Dr Bourke: the most important thing is that we make sure Marissa (Seth makes hand signals at Summer, which she can't understand - it's really funny!) Summer: ok wait, no I don't know what that means Cohen, I wasn't in panama Seth: (whispers) it means that you should Summer: Ok just go, and ill run interference Seth: yeah that's what I said ten four (Seth runs off, Summer walks towards Julie & Dr Bourke) Summer: Hi Mrs. Cooper, how are you? Julie: Hey Summer, are you hear to see Mariss Summer: oh yeah well I was just volunteering today, thought I'd stop by. how is she? Julie: well she's going to be fine eventually Summer: (to Dr Bourke) are you her doctor? Dr Bourke: I'm her therapist, now we're on our way to see her right now Summer: (attempts to stall) therapist huh, do you have a second because I keep having this dream, and well I'm in the woods trying to find this resturant but I'm totally lost, and SO hungry, see I have a reservation so I cant be late are you following? Marissa's hospital room - Marissa is dressed in the candy stripers outfit, and Ryan is with her Ryan: are you ready? Marissa: Yeah (gets up off the bed) (Ryan opens the door and Luke is standing there with flowers) Marissa: (to Luke) Go away Luke: I just wanted to see you im-im so sorry about everything Marissa: yeah that's what you said in Mexico Luke: that was a mistake Marissa: no kidding Luke: what're you doing dressed like that? (Seth comes to the door) Seth: (to Ryan and Marissa) Ah hey your mom and the doctor are on the move Luke: you're running away? Marissa: look Luke please I... (Luke backs out the door and looks both ways) Luke: Take the stairs (Seth, Ryan, and then Marissa all leave, leaving Luke in the doorway holding the flowers) CUT TO: Cafe La Roca - Kirsten & Jimmy walk in looking for Sandy, who is at a table with Rachel Jimmy: are you sure its ok I mean I don't wanna interrupt Kirsten: his office said he was having welcome to the firm drinks with a few of his (sees it's only Rachel) associates Rachel: (laughs) can I have another one? Kirsten: Hey Sandy: mm hey-hey, wh-what are you two doing here? Kirsten: uh when I couldn't reach you on your cell phone I called the office, Jimmy needs some legal advice (to Rachel) I'm Kirsten Rachel: Hi I'm Rachel Kirsten: oh so this is Rachel Sandy: this is Rachel Rachel: I'm Rachel Jimmy: Hi so I'm-I'm uh Jimmy Rachel: Hi (shakes his hand) Kirsten: so are you suing a tequila company, doing some research Sandy: well apparently we don't sue anybody Rachel: now you say that like it's a bad thing, Kirsten your lucky to be married to somebody so hillarious Kirsten: I am Jimmy: You know what um, ill just take care of this myself, I'm gonna-I'm gonna go Kirsten: Jimmy Sandy: stop by the office tomorrow morning Jimmy: ah yeah no tomorrows uh gonna be to late, thanks Kirsten Kirsten: I'll see you at home, when your finished work (to Rachel) It was nice to meet you Rachel: yeah CUT TO Jimmy's apartment - he opens the door and finds Ryan, Seth, Summer & Marissa there Marissa: Hey dad (Jimmy looks stunned) Jimmy: what, what are you doing here? Marissa: I uh... I checked out Jimmy: does your mother know about this? Ryan: we're gonna wait in the car Seth: yeah, yeah Summer: yeah, yeah (they all leave) Jimmy: you ran away? (Marissa hugs Jimmy) Marissa: I didn't know what else to do Jimmy: oh sweetheart Marissa: I mean mum was getting ready to drive me down to Sandiego Jimmy: What? Marissa: wait, you didn't know? Jimmy: uh, I shoulda guessed Marissa: look I don't wanna go to Sandiego, and I don't wanna live with mom...I wanna stay with you Jimmy: look I want that to ok but I, I don't know-I don't know if, if that's possible your mom is suing me for sole custody and after everything I've done she kinda has me over a barrel, kiddo look if I do even the slightest thing wrong I could never see you again ok and I don't-I don't ever wanna lose you (the phone rings) hold on um jus-just give me a sec ok Marissa: yeah Jimmy: hey, yeah hi (he walks out to the verandah) uh no she's uh she's here, look I didn't have anything to do with this Julie...well uh you were gonna take her to Sandiego without telling me about it (Marissa walks out the front door) uh alright I, ill keep her here CUT TO: Summer, Seth, Marissa & Ryan walking along eating pizza Summer: what'd you wanna do now Coop? Marissa: I don't know what to do, I mean what can I do Seth: we could hide you in one of my mom's developments (they all look at him) I'm kidding! Marissa: mm hmm I mean how is any of this even possible, my mom wants to lock me up in an asylum while my dad can't even do anything about it! Ryan: well, we'll figure something out Summer: we better hurry cause she just escaped from a psych ward wearing a candy striper outfit, if they didn't think she was crazy before they (realises what she just said) Sorry Coop, I'm gonna go get another slice Seth: As will I Ryan: well if you wanna skip town I guess I could go with you Marissa: my mom would love that Ryan: look if your moms doing all this just to keep me away from you I, I'll stay away Marissa: I don't want that (they both smile) Ryan: so what're we gonna do? Marissa: if I could just get her to listen CUT TO Cohen's lounge room - Kirsten is on the couch and Sandy walks in Sandy: hey Kirsten: back from work Sandy: I don't understand why you're so upset, I mean I understand but its nothing, she works at the firm Kirsten: she doesn't look old enough to be served in a bar led alone a lawyer Sandy: she's 33, she graduated Berkley four years after you did Kirsten: what's her favourite color? Sandy: pink...Kirsten Kirsten: Sandy I'm not saying anything's going on Sandy: good, cause you spent the weekend paintin Jimmy Coopers house and I didn't say a word because I knew nothing was going on...right Kirsten: right...of course Sandy: so what were you two doing together tonight? Kirsten: Jimmy's got custody issues with Julie Sandy: well I guess we're all havin issues...so what're we gonna do? I have to work with this woman Kirsten: I trust you Sandy: ok...I trust you Kirsten: ok (the phone rings, Sandy answers it) Sandy: hello Ryan: Hey it's Ryan Sandy: Hey, what's goin on? Ryan: uh I'm with Marissa and I need your advice Sandy: uh huh... well if I've learned anything today... you don't wanna go to court with this, your gonna wanna settle (door bell, Sandy answers the door & Julie is there) Julie: what is going on? Sandy: come with me (he leads her to the kitchen) Julie: I don't understand what does this have to do with Marissa, do you know where she (she sees Ryan) well no suprise your involved in all this, where is she? Ryan: I don't know, at a bus station, on a tropical island somewhere Sandy: Ryan Julie: I cannot believe that you're chaperoning this farce Sandy: Julie, sit down Julie: no I don't want to sit down Sandy: alright, lets all talk Julie: talk about what-what is there to talk about Ryan: well if you ever wanna see your daughter Sandy: (to Ryan) watch it! Julie I-I-I know you've been through alot but-but Ryan isn't the problem Julie: what is that supposed to mean? (to Ryan) You tell me where she is and them I am taking her home, she just ran away from a hospital Ryan: She ran away from you!... look your from riverside right, well that's not to far from where I grew up Julie: I am calling the police in like two seconds Ryan: AND I know this place has everything we never had and I know your afraid your gonna lose it all, everything you've ever wanted Julie: I'm done! Ryan: But what you want, and what your daughter wants are two different things Julie: YOU! DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS Ryan: I KNOW WHAT SHE DOESNT WANT, she doesn't wanna go to Sandiego (Marissa appears in the background) ...and she doesn't wanna live with you Julie: I don't know what I'm suppose to say to any of this Marissa: Just say yes Julie: oh honey, no-no you don't mean that Marissa: Yes, I do, look I know you're only trying to help, you're just making everything worse (Julie is crying) Julie: you have no idea how scared I was Marissa: I'm sorry...but look I'm not gonna hurt myself again and ill even still see a therapist if you want, but I wanna do it here...an I wanna live with dad...I mean at least for now Julie: this isn't over Marissa, ill let myself out Ryan: are you ok? (Marissa kisses Ryan on the cheek, and hugs him) CUT TO: Cohen's backyard - Seth & Summer are sitting by the pool Seth: so you still think that after everything that happened today when we get back to school you're gonna be able to ignore me Summer: well...all I can do is try Seth: I admire your will Kirsten: hey Seth: hey, how'd it go? Kirsten: ah... its over Seth: yeah Kirsten: Summer you should take Marissa home...to her dads (Summer smiles at Seth, then walks away) Seth: bye Summer (Summer smiles) (to Kirsten) it's just a little thing we do Kirsten: hmm, ok, now lets talk about that suprise little trip to Tijuana Seth: It's pronounced Tia-whuana, that's how, your so white mom CUT TO: Sandy & Ryan in the kitchen Sandy: I've never heard you talk so much Ryan: well I like to save it for when it counts Sandy: good...so I heard about what happened with your test today, or what didn't happen...your suddenly not so talkative...look I get it, Marissa needed help you were worried about her, believe me I understand, I'm worried about you Ryan: uh I'm ok going to public school, it'll be a hell of alot better then where I went Sandy: go to Dr Kim and explain yourself Ryan: I don't think she wants to hear from me...ever again Sandy: oooh you're afraid of her, you went toe to toe with Julie Cooper the dragon lady you can take Dr Kim, talk to her, if there's a problem you'll have your attourney present. I got your back CUT TO: The Harbor school - Sandy & Seth are waiting for Ryan outside Dr Kim's office Sandy: So you and Summer seemed pretty chummy yesterday Seth: dad, chummy Sandy: its ok you can tell me Seth: no, I really, I can't Sandy: you can't tell your dad, who can you tell Seth: Gee, I don't know uh Ryan, mom, that tree over there Sandy: you're gonna miss me when I'm gone Seth: when're you leaving? (he playfully hits him, and Sandy hits back) hey (Ryan & Dr Kim walk out) Sandy: what's the verdict? Dr Kim: he passed, he did very well Seth: congratulations (clapping and shakes Ryan's hand) dude you're a pirate Ryan: you guys have pirates Seth: yeah I know, it's a bit minty Ryan: yeah Sandy: thankyou Dr Kim, for giving Ryan another chance Dr Kim: Mr. Cohen I told Ryan that if he EVER pulls a stunt like that again, he's going to need a much better lawyer then you to get him out of it. Welcome to the Harbor school Ryan, ill be watching you Sandy: (to Ryan) you thought juvi was tough Seth: hey, you ready to get your photo taken for your student ID Ryan: a mug shot? Seth: So cynical Sandy: Hey check out my new mug shot (takes it out of his wallet and shows the boys) Seth: god Sandy: what? Seth: dad those eyebrows are out of control! Sandy: it's a sign of power you know! Seth: well then you must be the most powerful man in the world Sandy: well brace yourself son, its genetic! (Fade out on the 3 of them walking and mucking around)

Plan: A: Julie blames Ryan; Q: Who does Julie blame for Marissa's incident? A: Julie; Q: Who tries to get Marissa to see a therapist in San Diego? A: Kirsten; Q: Who is displeased with Sandy's new coworker? A: Rachel; Q: Who is Kirsten displeased with? A: a placement test; Q: What does Ryan have to take to determine his enrollment at The Harbor School? A: San Diego; Q: Where does Julie want Marissa to see a therapist? Summary: Julie blames Ryan for Marissa's incident and tells him to stay away. Sandy starts his new job, and Kirsten is displeased with his new coworker, Rachel. Ryan must take a placement test to determine his enrollment at The Harbor School. Julie tries to get Marissa to see a therapist in San Diego, contrary to what Jimmy and Marissa want.

"Last Season on Alias" recap: Sydney and Vaughn kissing in ruins of SD-6 office Sloan saying "I'm approaching the finish line of a 30 year odyssey. I won't let anyone else take the final steps for me." Sydney to Sloane on telephone: "Listen to me, you son of a bitch, you have been a plague on my life! You repulse me! Every time I sat across from you listening to your lies, all I could fantasize about was slashing your throat!" Sydney cocking gun, then Allison Doren surprises her, pointing a gun at her and yelling, "Drop it!" Small snippets of fight ensues, with Sydney shooting Allison twice and then passing out. Sydney waking up in Hong Kong. Vaughn arriving at safehouse. Sydney hugs him. Vaughn shakes his head and says, "Syd..." Sydney asks, shocked, "Why are you wearing that ring?" Vaughn replies, "Since that night...you've been missing for almost two years." [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to same scene, Sydney has look of utter shock and disbelief on her face.) Vaughn: There was a fire at your apartment. (Cut to flashback as Vaughn's voice continues. Flashback shows a gutted out, smoking shell of what once was Sydney's apartment. We follow Dixon's progress through the ruins until he reaches a room where a police officer is covering what is presumed to be remains with a black tarp. Camera pans across the room, where Vaughn is sitting hunched against the scorched wall. He looks up briefly at Dixon as if to acknowledge his presence and then looks back down at the draped tarp. A close up of his face reveals Vaughn is crying, looking completely devestated.) Will survived...but you... they found remains. The DNA...was a match. You were dead. You were dead. Sydney: And...you got married. Vaughn: I did. They asked me to come to Hong Kong...the Agency. They thought it would be best if you were reintroduced by someone from your life before. Sydney: They could have sent my father. He's CIA, he's from my life before. Vaughn: I can't answer that. I chose not to stay with the CIA after your death. Sydney: You're not with the Agency? Vaughn: No... I'm a teacher. (Sydney gets up to stand next to the desk in the room) Sydney (looking distraught): This is, uh...gonna take me a while. Vaughn: They want me to bring you back. I mean, you can imagine the kind of investigation that's being called... (Vaughn gets up to stand in front of Sydney) Sydney: Hell of a way to wake up. How much time do I have before I have to go? Vaughn (looking down at watch): They said they want you back... (Sydney grabs a lamp from the desk and whacks Vaughn on the side of the head with the base. While he's bent over, she wraps the cord of the lamp around his neck, strangling him.) Sydney: I don't know who the hell you are, but you are not Vaughn, you son of a bitch! Tell me who the hell you're working for... is it Sloane!? (Sydney throws Vaughn against the wall, still strangling him) Sydney: Tell me you're working for Sloane! (Sounds outside the door alert Sydney to the presence of a guard entering. She elbows Vaughn in the temple and drops him to the floor. The door to the room opens and Sydney kicks a chair at the attacker, then roundhouses the door shut on him. Then she punches the guard. She turns around to see Vaughn getting up and she kicks him in the stomach, sending him flying across the room. Sydney runs down the hallway and out into the alley, where she finds herself surrounded by a guard on either side of the alley, both with guns trained on her. She kneels, as if submitting, but when the guard behind her goes to grab her wrists, she grabs him and flings him at the other guard. She takes on each guard one at a time, first with fists and hands, then with a broomstick and a metal garbage can cover. Just as she takes out the last guard with the can cover, we hear a "pfft" sound. Sydney turns and a dart is revealed sticking out of her shoulder. We see Vaughn at the end of the alley, dart gun still raised against Sydney. Sydney gives Vaughn a look of utter betrayal as the tranquilizer starts to work. As she sinks to her knees, Vaughn lowers the gun and walks closer.) Sydney (as Vaughn comes closer): Don't... (as if she can't stand the look of concern on his face, because she thinks he's not him) Don't do... (Sydney starts to collapse) (Vaughn rushes over, dropping the gun and catches Sydney before she can fall, sinking to the ground, holding her) (A sequence of white lights, faces much too blurry to make out, sounds, ringing bells, a revving engine. All sights and sounds are out of place and make no sense. The scenes yield to Sydney, lying in a hospital bed while a beeping alarm goes off in the room. Sydney waked up, disoriented with her surroundings and afraid. Dixon rushes into the room and turns off the alarm) Dixon: (sighs) You're safe. You're at the Stafford Naval Hospital. You're home again. (Cut to Sydney, still looking bewildered and shocked) Dixon: There are no words to make this easy. It was Vaughn who came for you in Hong Kong. And what he told you was the truth. (Sydney sits up in bed) Sydney: Dixon... What happened to me? Dixon: We don't know. Sydney: Where's my father? Or...or my mom... Have you heard from her since Mexico City? Vaughn said Will's alive. If there was a fire in my apartment, if he thought I was dead, then how did Will survive? Where is he? Dixon: Sydney... Sydney: And Francie...is she dead? Did they find her body, too? Dixon: I know you have a million questions, but... Sydney: I have a lot more than a million questions! I which I only had a million questions! Dixon: You're going to have to be patient. I'll talk to the... Sydney: I can't be patient! I woke up like it was one night! I have a scar on my stomach I have never seen before... You're telling me two years have passed, and I have to be patient!? Dixon: Listen to me, Sydney... You have to relax. Sydney: I think I deserve to know what happened to the people in my life! Where the hell is Kendall!? I want some answers! Dixon: Kendall is not the director of our division anymore. I am; almost six months now. Sydney (taken aback): Congratulations. (Door opens to reveal Weiss) Weiss: How ya feelin'? Sydney: I'm okay. You look great... You lost weight? Weiss: Oh, thanks, yeah. I sorta gave up all the foods that I enjoy. I'm miserable, but I look really good. (to Dixon) Uh, we got something. Dixon: I need just a minute. Excuse me. (Gets up to leave the room) Weiss: I'm sorry to be all cryptic... Sydney: It's okay... I get it. (Weiss leaves room. Both he and Dixon stand outside Sydney's room in full view of her through the glass door) Weiss: We received a transmission an hour ago from Mr. Kingsley. He got the package and the decoy. He's on schedule, aboard a train to Avignon. (Cut to Sydney, surreptitously watching them. Mumbled voices, not loud enough to make out. Weiss hands Dixon a file folder and Dixon opens it. Cut back to Weiss and Dixon) Weiss: We've received an intel that the Covenant may be moving to intercept Kingsley and get the chip. (Cut back to Sydney, studying Dixon and Weiss intently as they talk. Both are mostly turned toward her. She watches them speak. Cut back to Weiss and Dixon) Dixon: And we can't reach Kingsley? Weiss: No, he's radio silent. But we got the new lead: an address outside of Paris; a possible outpost for the Covenant. Dixon: Contact the NSCF. Have them stop the train at the next station and recheck Kingley's ticket. He'll know to make contact. Weiss: Okay. Dixon: And get a team in prep. I want to raid this outpost. (Weiss walks off, Dixon reenters Sydney's room) Dixon: I have to get back. Sydney: Dixon, I want to see my dad. What is the big deal? (Dixon comes back over and leans over Sydney in the bed) Dixon: He's in prison. The National Security Council has had him in solitary for almost a year. Their policy, without exception, is that he is to have no visitors. (Cut scene to a train speeding along in the dark... Lyon, France. We see Kingsley on the train. A young blond woman sits across from him, listening to a CD. She smiles apologetically at him and shows him the CD case. He smiles back and nods. The door to the car opens. Two men step inside and begin systematically shooting everyone in the car. The woman across from Kingsley gets shot and she gets up in a panic to run and is shot again. Kingsley leans over, readying a gun he has hidden under the seat. Kingsley returns fire and then flees to the next car. He looks up to see two men enter the new car from the other direction. A large, burly Russian-looking man appears to be in charge. He shoots Kingsley in the leg, and Kingsley collapses into a seat.) Man in Charge (leaning over Kingsley and unsheathing a knife): Mr. Kingsley, you know what I want. Give it to me, and I make your death painless. (Kingsley refuses to answer, so Man in Charge stabs him in the stomach. Man in Charge leans over him again, displaying the knife covered in blood.) Man in Charge: One more time. Kingsley: My shoe! My left shoe! (One of the thugs removes shoe and move sole to reveal a data chip. They remove it and put it into a reader.) Henchman: Nyet. (Subtitle reads: It's not it.) Man in Charge: Not what I wanted. (Stabs Kingsley again.) Man in Charge (in Russian): Check his pockets. (Man in Charge sits in a seat opposite, cleaning the blood off his hands. The henchmen bring him the small pile of items from Kingsley's pocket: a pack of European cigarettes, a lighter, some coins. Suddenly, he picks up a specific coin, looks at it, and then pulls on it. It comes apart, revealing another, smaller data chip. He inserts it into the reader machine, confirming it is the chip he is looking for.) (Cut scene~ LA at night. Back in the hospital room with Sydney. We see a hidden camera black ball on the ceiling, pan to Weiss sleeping in a chair by Sydney's bed, then to Sydney, sleeping fitfully. She gasps, sitting up suddenly.) Weiss: What? You okay? Syd? Sydney (flops back on bed): I know... Oh my God...I think I know where I was. (End of Act One. Cut to Credits) [SCENE_BREAK] (Aerial View of LA in daytime. Cut to Weiss and Sydney walking into the Joint Task Force Office.) Sydney: There's so many new people... I don't know anyone here. Weiss: Ah, just give it time. Marshall: Excuse me. Excuse me, hello? (Sydney turns to face him.) Hi, uh...Sydney? (raising his voice slightly) I'm Marshall Flinkman. I work here. Tech design and, uh, operations here? Sydney (hugging him): Marshall... of course I know who you are. Marshall: Oh my God...Sydney, it's so amazing to see you, I can't even really relate. Actually, I, uh, wrote a poem...uh, um. (clears throat) I've lost my keys...where are they? Carrie: Sydney... (Sydney turns to face Carrie.) Sydney: Carrie! (They hug.) Carrie: Ooooh, welcome back! Sydney (looking down): Hey, you're pregnant! Carrie: Ooh, yeah, yeah...I am. Marshall (leaning forward conspiratorially): I, uh, wonder who the father is? (Sydney turns to face him, shocked, then looks back at Carrie.) Sydney: Are you guys married too? Carrie: No. Marshall: Not yet. Carrie: No. We're not married. Marshall: We just haven't set the date yet. Carrie: We're not even engaged, we're just having a kid. Marshall: Well, we're talking about getting engaged... Carrie: Not really. Marshall: Well, uh, she just has an issue with wedlock. Weiss: Syd...Dixon's expecting us. Carrie: If you need anything, just ask, okay? Sydney: Thanks. Marshall: (reading poem again) I've lost my keys, where are they? It's...it's uh, a metaphor. (Cut to Dixon's office) Dixon: We'd like to hear about what happened last night. Sydney: I had a memory; a vivid memory of the interior of the building where I was being held. I remember it was in Paris, and I remember the faces of...at least three of my captors. Lindsay: Mr. Weiss' report says you recall overhearing voices...names, including Mr. Kingsley? Dixon: This is Robert Lindsay...he's our NSC liaison. Sydney: Yes. So far, that's all I remember. Lindsay: Sounds like the group we're looking for is the one that was holding our girl. Last night, there was a mass murder on a French passenger train. Among the dead was a CIA asset: Scott Kingsley. (Dixon hands Sydney a file folder. She looks inside.) Dixon: Kingsley did engineering work for us. He designed an aircraft; a spy drone that could fly undetected by radar. Lindsay: Kingsley was en route to Avignon to deliver the schematics. They were stolen. Weiss: And this drone could be converted into a delivery system. Sydney: Biological weapons...chemical. I get it. Dixon: This group, we know almost nothing about them. They refer to themselves as "The Covenant". We have some new intelligence identifying one of their outposts. We believe this is where they've taken the chip. We're sending a team to Paris to raid the building. Lindsay: Look familiar? Sydney: Yes. Lindsay: See, we're going in, with or without you. Without you, we're blind. You might recognize details we might not see otherwise. Dixon: Personally, I'm of the mind that sending you back into the field so soon after your recovery is asinine. Lindsay: Well, Mr. Dixon, you might ask yourself just how much you want to apprehend these killers... Dixon (over Lindsay): Do not question my resolve! What you are suggesting is premature... Lindsay: Perhaps if you'd listen to what I'm suggesting...certainly not that we throw Ms. Bristow back in the field... Dixon: Look, I've experienced trauma myself. Returning to the field prematurely is as bad as not being trained at all! Sydney: Okay, excuse me...but I am standing right here! (to Lindsay) I think I might be helpful in Paris. But I will not even consider going unless you help me first. I want to see my father...right now. Lindsay: Ms. Bristow, just so we're clear... I have no intention of doing your father one single favor...ever. That being said, it's not your fault he's your father...and I'm not without a heart, as you will come to see. I'll get you in this one time. Sydney: Thanks. (Cut to Weiss driving Sydney in the car. She sits in front of a small table before a wall of reinforced glass. As the door opens, she stands and approaches the glass. Jack Bristow is brought in. He is wearing a khaki prison suit. His hands are handcuffed before him. His hair is slicked back ala Hannibal Lecter and he has a full beard. He approaches the glass.) Jack: Sweetheart, you look so beautiful. Sydney: They told me you were charged with resisting authority. Dad, I don't understand. Jack: I became obsessed with your death; with finding those responsible. And at a certain point in my pursuit, I needed help. So I contacted the one person I believed I could trust, given the circumstances...your mother. Sydney: You were working with Mom!? Jack: At the time, she was nubmer 6 on the CIA's most wanted list. The National Security Council, primarily...Robert Lindsay. You met him? Sydney: Yes. Jack: He discovered that I was collaborating with your mother, so he threatened me, questioned my allegiance to this country. He chose to make an example of me: an NSC power play, and here we are. I was told you have a memory; that you believe you were being held in Paris... (Sydney presses a button on her watch) Sydney: It's an anti-eavesdrop device; I got it from Marshall. We have 90 seconds. Dad, I don't remember a thing. Jack: What? Sydney: I read Dixon's lips when he was talking outside my hospital room. I just made it up to get leverage...and now they want to send me on a mission! Jack: Leverage...for what? Sydney: To see you. They told me I couldn't see you and...I needed to. Dad, I don't know if I can explain what it's like waking up and having everything be different. My friends are gone, I have no job, I have no home, and Vaughn's married, and you're in prison... Jack: Vaughn what? Sydney: He got married. Jack: Michael Vaughn is just a boy who was never good enough for you. Anyway, Sydney, listen to me, my investigation into your death became even more disturbing than I expected...You must continue my work and find the truth about what happened to you... Do you understand me? Sydney: Yes... Jack: The only way to do that is by getting your CIA clearance restored, having access to my private files, getting back... Sydney: Dad, I don't think I can do this without you. Jack: We both know that's not true, and you have no choice anyway. The CIA, I am certain, is dubious about your return, somehow you must get them to trust you again. If they learn you were bluffing about your memory, it's all over. Sydney: Dad, what did you mean by the investigation was disturbing? Jack: Sydney, I knew you were alive. I made a discovery that you... (Sydney's watch beeps) Jack: You probably know this, but I love you. Sydney: I love you, too. (End of Act Two) (Black screen. PARIS...push through the A...A shot of the Eiffel Tower at night...Sydney stands with arms crossed in black raid gear) Weiss (addressing raid team): The object of tonight's mission is to find and retrieve the microchip, also to acquire any intel about the organization known as "The Covenant", who we believe is in possession of this chip. We've had the building under satellite surveillance and it appears to be abandoned, but there are no guarantees. You've all met Agent Bristow... She was held prisoner in this building, so while I'll be leading this operation, we will take into consideration any warnings or insights that Agent Bristow has to offer. Any questions? (pauses) Let's go! (Team loads into a silver van) (Aside to Sydney) Weiss: You all right? Sydney: Yeah. (Van drives up to warehouse. Team unloads and sets up. ) Weiss: Retriever to base...We're in position... Any last minute fun? (Cut to Dixon and Lindsay on headsets at the JTF) Dixon: We've got no activity outside the target building and thermal imaging shows the building to be clean. Weiss: That's good to hear. Lindsay: Anything from Mountaineer? Weiss: Any of this look familiar? Sydney: Not yet. Weiss: Uh... negative. Dixon: Retreiver, move on your call. Weiss: Here we go. Let's watch out for tripwires and watch your backs... (Raid begins. Team breaks through doors. Building is dark with lots of doors and hallways. The team's guns are mounted with flashlights. Cut to Dixon watching their progress via heat signatures on the computer screen. Back to raid, the team enters further into building.) Weiss (over Sydney's shoulder): Hey... Remember any of this? Dixon: Base to Retriever. Weiss: Yeah, go base. Dixon: We're picking up some company, quadrant 16, heading 2 o'clock. Weiss: Retriever to team, be on the alert for possible hostile, quadrant 16 at door quadrant nine. Dixon: Retriever, we're seeing activity... I'm counting three, now five additionals. Weiss: Team, we now have five possible hostiles... Let's get ready to engage. (Weiss turns corner and is fired upon by hostile with laser sight. He and Sydney pull back.) Weiss: Base, we're under attack! We're under attack! (Lots gunfire exchange) Dixon: Fall back now! Fall back now! There are two more of them in quadrant six. All agents abort! Fall back now! Weiss (to Sydney): Let's split up. We'll take 'em from behind. Sydney: Okay. (Weiss fire to cover for her.) Weiss: Go! [SCENE_BREAK] (Back in the office, Dixon gives Lindsay a look. Linsday looks exasperated. At the raid, we follow Sydney's progress down a hallway. Cut to Weiss's progress. He enters a room and sees a blood smear on the wall. On the ground, one of his team members, shot in the head. A second team member is also shot, barely alive.) Weiss: Come on, Morse... Stay with me! (Cut to Sydney as she enters another room. It's a labratory of some kind. There she finds another one of their team shot. She bends down to feel for a pulse. The door to the room busts open and two hostiles run inside, shooting at Sydney as she hides behind some equipment. She returns gunfire then huddles as they fire back. She notices chemical bottles on the table and then returns fire. Cut to Weiss, still trying to keep Morse alive. Someone is sneaking up behind Weiss. He turns and is whacked upside the head by the attacker. The camera pans up...it is the same Man in Charge from the train. Cut to Sydney, receiving more gunfire. She covers her nose with her shirt, grabs two bottles from the counter and mixes them together. She throws the bottle at her attackers. It explodes, knocking one of them over. She charges the other attacker, taking him out with hand to hand combat. Cut to knocked out Weiss. Man in Charge has him in a sitting position and pulls Weiss' head to the side to expose his neck. He pulls out his switchblade, ready to slice his neck. Cut to Sydney running full out down a hallway. Man in Charge looks up, sees Sydney. Sydney stops running, staring at the man. He stares back, almost as if he recognizes her. Sydney's moment of hesitation is gone. As she lifts her gun to fire, the Man in Charge drops Weiss and runs. Sydney barely misses shooting him. She runs to Weiss, who has come to.) Sydney (to Weiss): Are you okay? Weiss: Go get him. (Sydney runs after Man in Charge, but by the time she gets out of the building, all she sees is a car screeching around a corner, out of sight. Weiss comes out behind her. Weiss: They're dead; all of them. Sydney: Oh my God, Weiss...If I'd told the truth, this might not have happened... Weiss: What are you talking about? Sydney: I've never been here before. The dream I had... I just had to regain the CIA's trust...and now the team's dead. Weiss: Syd, this operation was on, whether you came or not. And if you hadn't, I'd be dead, too. Sydney: I don't know what to do, I...everything's wrong, everything's upside down... Weiss: Syd, we gotta get home. Sydney: I can't go back! Robert Lindsay hates my father...he doesn't trust me. He wanted results from this operation; he wanted the chip. If I go back after this, he'll pull my clearance and I'll never be able to help my father. Weiss: What are you thinking? Sydney: This was obviously an ambush. Those gunmen work for the Covenant...the one that was going to kill you, I saw his face. If I can make a positive ID, that could lead to the chip...leverage. Weiss: To do what? Sydney: To get my father out of custody! To recover what was stolen from the CIA...to make sure those men didn't die for nothing. I'm going to need a contact; a freelancer. Someone not with the CIA. Someone with resources. All of my names are two years old. Weiss: You're not gonna like my suggestion. You should go see Arvin Sloane. Sydney: What? Weiss: Slaone negotiated a pardon after your...death. He's now a consultant for the CIA. Yeah, he now runs a World Health Organization in Zurich: Omnifam. Sydney: Listen to me. We never had this conversation. After the gunfight, I disappeared, you never saw me again. Weiss: Syd, what are you gonna do? (Sydney turns and runs off.) Weiss: Syd! (Black screen. Zurich... push through the C. Aerial shot of Zurich by day. Cut to Sydney entering an office. She stalks right by the secretary. Secretary: Excuse me... Miss? Miss, you can't go in there! (Sydney pushes open the door to yield Slaone's office. Sloane is standing on a small enclosed balcony outside the office, his back to her. He turns to look at her. Fade to black.) (End of Act Three.) (Sydney stares at Sloane as he opens the glass door from the balcony and begins to walk inside. A burly man from security enters the room from behind Sydney. Sloane holds up a hand as if to stay the security guy.) Sloane: It's okay. We're fine. (Sloane has a "cat who ate the canary" kind of smile on his face.) Sloane: Hello, Sydney. Sydney: There's a group the CIA has targeted. They call themselves "The Covenant". They've stolen something I need to get back. (As Sydney speaks, Sloane walks over to a side desk and picks up a file folder.) Sydney: I've made a visual ID of one of their members. I need to put a name to his face. You're going to help me find him. (Sloane walks toward her, holding the folder, looking rather smug.) Sloane: Well, you must be in real trouble to come to me for assistance. (He slides the folder across the desk toward Sydney. She picks it up and looks inside. There is a photograph of the very person she is trying to ID.) Sloane: His name is Gordei Volkov. He's a former Russian MVD; a high class hitman. (Sloane sits at his desk) Sydney: You just happened to have his file sitting on your desk... Sloane: I had it ready because I was expecting you. Sydney, I know you've gone rogue and that your father is being held in solitary, and based on my experience with you, I'd say that you're trying to find a way to win his freedom. Am I right? (Sloane stands up and closes the distance between himself and Sydney) Sloane: Sydney, just...try and remember the bond we used to have between us, you and I. I loved you like a daughter; I loved you. And even you would admit there were times, I would see it in your eyes, you looked at me like I was your... (Sydney grabs Sloane by the lapels of his jacket and slams his head and torso onto the table. She leans over him, holding a letter opener like a dagger at his throat.) Sydney: Where the hell have I been the last two years!? I know it was you...what the hell did you do to me!? Sloane: Sydney, do you believe in redemption? Sydney: Not for you, no. Sloane: We've helped to feed over 3 1/2 million children worldwide. We do research; our work on cancer has the potential to save millions of lives, Sydney. So much has changed since you've been gone. (Sydney spots a magazine on Sloane's desk. It has a picture of Sloane on the cover with a headline that reads "Arvin Sloane: Rising Angel" (actually, Sloane is misspelled as Sloan, but who's counting?) She lets him up.) Sloane: You remember the Rambaldi device? The machine designed 500 years ago by a prophet? All I did was bring all the pieces together and have it assembled. And when I turned it on, it delivered a message, as I suspected it would. I wasn't prepared for what it said. The message was just one word, one simple word: Peace. The epiphany I had at that moment, suddenly I saw all the mistakes I'd made, the pain I had inflicted on the world, the people I loved. So I chose right then and there to give information to the CIA with which they were able to dismantle at least 2 dozen terrorist cells. Sydney: I don't know how you convinced the CIA that you're trustworthy. Sloane: Why don't you check my files? Sydney: I know you too well. I don't buy any of it. (Sydney turns and walks out. She is at a payphone, making phone calls and speaking in different languages, obviously trying all the numbers of her old contacts. Finally, the relief on her face is apparent when she finds one still working.) Sydney: I tried to reach over two dozen contacts; you're the only one still active. (Cut to scene of Sydney in a black dress sitting at a restaurant table. Pan to her contact.) Sydney: Thank you for coming. Contact (with thick French accent): Of course. Forgive me if I look shocking to you, but I was believing that you were dead. Sydney: I was. But now I'm not. Contact: This is why I love our business. Sydney: I need some information. Contact: I hope I can help you. Sydney: Gordei Volkov. (Contact looks up from lighting his cigarette, looking surprised. Cut to the Joint Task Force Center. Pan up to Robert Lindsay walking, carrying a file folder.) Dixon: Lindsay! (Lindsay stops, turns around to face an approaching Dixon.) Dixon: I just got a call from the DOJ. You had Sydney Bristow listed as an enemy of the state!? Lindsay: Dixon, your operative ran. Sydney Bristow is a fugitive. That was... Dixon: This is why I did not want to send her out to begin with. In her condition, we should be helping her, not... Lindsay: I hate to pull rank, but the Department of Justice is my jurisdiction. Blindly trusting Sydney... Dixon: I've never suggested we should blindly trust anyone, but classifying her in this way makes her a target! Lindsay: Can you make a suggestion? Dixon: I suggest we use our resources to locate her. Lindsay: Oh, she'll be located. (Lindsay turns and walks off.) Dixon: I want her back in this office alive! (Cut back to Sydney and the Contact.) Contact: Volkov has a meeting scheduled tomorrow night in Prague. I have the address. He's supposed to be delivering something, what it is, I do not know. Perhaps it is your thing. Sydney: Do you know what he drives? Contact: A sedan...armored, of course...with a protective detail. If you want to stop that car, you will need...backup. Sydney: No I don't. (Cut to the Contact's surprised face.) Sydney: But I will need clothes. (Cut to Sydney changing her clothes. As she pulls off her black top, we see a close up of Sydney's scar. She changes into a slinky, calf-length red dress. She braids her hair, puts on makeup. Next, we see her with a chin length red wig with a flip do and reddish tinted "swank" sunglasses on. She struts outside, gets in a red Ferrari and drives off.) (End Act Four) (Black screen. PRAGUE, push through the U. Night scene of Prague. Reflection of Sydney strutting in large puddle on street. Pan up to Sydney. She stops in the middle of the street, just before the puddle. She's wearing the dress (no sunglasses at night), a red purse slung crosswise over her shoulder. She has this "I kick serious a$$" expression on her face. Cut to Volkov in his car, checking the time on his watch. Cut back to Sydney, determined expression on her face, waiting in the middle of the street for Volkov's car. Excellent 180 degree pan from Sydney's face to the approaching car. Sydney stares down the car. Volkov instructs the driver (in Russian) to stop the car. It stops about 30 feet from Sydney. Volkov appears to recognize Syndey and smiles at her. She gives a slight nod of her head and has a ghost of a smile on her face. Suddenly, she pulls a grenade launcher gun from her purse. Cut to Volkov's expression. His smile vanishes. He reaches for the door handle as she fires the gun. As Volkov jumps out, the car erupts in a fireball and flips over in midair, landing in a fiery heap. Sydney tosses the gun away in the street and approaches Volkov's body, lying face down in the street. She starts searching his pockets, finding a small metal case holding the chip. She starts to handcuff Volkov, but he flips her. She kicks and punches, but he blocks them all, grabbing her fist and twisting her around so his arm is wrapped around her neck. He unsheaths a knife, holding it up in front of her face so she can see it. Then he nuzzles at her neck, putting the hand holding the knife at her waist. We see Sydney's face as she reacts; she's angry. She grabs the vacant handcuff, hanging from Volkov's knife hand, and connects it to his belt. Then she elbows him in the face, shoving him off, then she kicks him from behind, so that he falls into the wall of a nearby building. The hand holding the knife gets jammed and he stabs himself when he falls into the wall. He turns around, knife still sticking out of his gut and stares at her. She stares back. He appears to be trying (unsuccessfully) to remove the knife. She stalks off as he slides down the wall. We hear her rev up the engine of her Ferrari and drive past him. Cut to Sydney, stalking into the Joint Task Force Offices (think Sydney stalking into SD-6 with the Rambaldi device from the pilot and you've got the idea). Cut to Weiss noticing Sydney's approach. Cut back to determined striding Sydney. Cut back to Weiss as he stands, openmouthed, as she walks by (think Dixon doing this in the pilot...same thing). She shoves open the door to Dixon's office. Lindsay and Dixon are there. Dixon stands from behind his desk, Lindsay is already standing in front of it.) Dixon: Sydney. (Sydney holds up the chip, held in a pair of long tweezers (like a medical clamp).) Sydney (to Lindsay): I have the plans for the drone. If you want them back, get the NSC to release my father immediately. Lindsay: Excuse me! I won't be blackmailed by a fugitive! Did you really think you could come in here and threaten me!? (Sydney pulls out a pocket blowtorch and lights it.) Sydney: Yeah. Lindsay: What the hell are you doing? Sydney: I want it in writing that today is the day Jack Bristow is to be released from custody. (Dixon is standing with his arms crossed. He appears rather impressed with Sydney. He's almost smiling.) Lindsay (still staring at Sydney): Mr. Dixon, talk to her. Sydney: I'm addressing you, Mr. Lindsay. I want that 'get out of jail free' card for my father or these (holding up chip) are gone! Lindsay: This is ridiculous! Sydney: Mr. Dixon, please provide Mr. Lindsay with a pen. Lindsay: I've got my own pen, and there's not a chance I'm using it. (Dixon is starting to look concerned for Sydney and royally ticked off with Lindsay) Sydney: It's your call. 5... Lindsay: This is insane! Sydney: 4... Dixon: Mr. Lindsay, she will destroy those plans. Sydney: 3...2...1... (Sydney moves the chip toward the blowtorch. Lindsay cringes, and then...) Lindsay: Fine! (Lindsay gives Sydney an annoyed look. Sydney puts out the blowtorch and puts it away. Dixon, barely holding back a smirk, hands Lindsay a clipboard.) Lindsay (to Dixon): Thank you. (Lindsay starts writing.) Sydney: B..R..I..S..T..O..W.. Lindsay (through clenched teeth): I know how to spell your name! (Fade to aerial scene of LA by day. Fade to Sydney walking down a white corridor. Cut to the other end of the hallway: Vaughn and Weiss stand talking. Vaughn and Weiss notice Sydney and stop talking, looking at her. Cut to Sydney noticing them standing there. Cut back to Weiss and Vaughn. Vaughn gives Weiss one last look, then takes a few steps toward Sydney. Weiss appears to be standing just to the side of them. Vaughn sighs nervously and attempts a friendly smile.) Vaughn: I came by to see how you were. (Vaughn's tone and expression (and probably just his existence at this point) angers Sydney. Her face is expressionless, but her eyes have daggers in them.) Sydney: Are you kidding me!? (Vaughn appears to have some trouble maintaining eye contact, but then looks back up, again trying to put up a front of friendly concern.) Vaughn: No, I...just wanted to make sure that you... Sydney: You didn't come here to see how I am...you came here to see how you are, because you know in your heart what you did...you want to make sure you're okay. (Vaughn pauses for a moment as if taken aback by what she's said. Then...) Vaughn: I buried you. (pause) Consider that for what that's... Sydney (cutting him off): Don't use rational thought as a defense with me, not after all you and I have seen. Vaughn, you and I live and breathe madness every day on the job...there is no...rational thought! I can't even pretend to have a conversation about anything else with you. What it comes down to is faith! (Cut to Vaughn's face as she continues. His face shows no obvious emotion, yet his lips are pursed, his eyebrows are furrowed, pain, shock, and a bit of anger are reflected in his eyes.) Sydney: What I was hoping you would say is, "Sydney I gave up; I gave up on us. I lost faith." (Cut back to Sydney, looking more hurt, angry and upset.) Sydney: But what you came here for...was closure...and there is not a chance you are getting that from me! (Cut back to Vaughn's face, still strained, hurt, and tense. Cut back to Sydney. She's having a harder time keeping her emotions out of her voice now; her voice is strained, hoarse.) Sydney: I'm not gonna (small gasp) say I understand...I'm not gonna sympathize with you and tell you how hard it must be for you... But.. You wanna know how I am!? (small gasp) I am horrible! (gasp) Vaughn, I am ripped apart! (strained whisper) And not because I lost you... but because...if it had been me... (tears cloud Sydney's eyes) I would have waited... (Cut to Vaughn's reaction. He blinks several times, swallows painfully. Pain, regret, and loss echo in his eyes. He appears very strained, as if perhaps trying to hold back tears himself.) Sydney(barely holding back the sobs in her voice now): I would have found the truth...I wouldn't have given up on you! (Cut back to Sydney's face. Betrayal lights her face. She is bolstering herself with her anger. A hardness gleams in her eyes.) Sydney (harsh whisper, punctuated by shaky breaths): And now I realize... what an absolute waste that would have been! (Cut to Vaughn's reaction. He looks wounded by her last remark. Cut back to Sydney as she turns to go, trying to reign in her emotions, refusing to cry in front of him. Cut back to Vaughn as she leaves. An empty sadness fills his eyes as he looks down, as if remembering, brow furrowed, his lips a thin line.) (Cut to Sydney, sitting at a desk in the JTF. Marshall is standing behind her, as if explaining something they are looking at on the computer screen before them. She gets up and turns. The camera pans 180 degrees and we see Jack Bristow, clean shaven and dressed in his ever present grey 3 piece suit, walking toward her. She rushes toward him, relief on her face. She puts her arms around him, hugging him, laying her cheek against his shoulder. Cut to Jack's reaction. He puts his arm around her, hugging back, closing his eyes for a moment, as if to savor the feeling.) Jack (to Sydney, still hugging): Thank you. (Sydney hugs harder, almost in tears, before finally pulling back. Jack smiles slightly and raises his right hand to touch her hair and run it down the side of her face in a loving and protective gesture.) Jack (leaning closer, in soothing but urgent voice): There's something I need to show you... not here. (Cut to what appears to be the warehouse where Sydney and Vaughn used to meet. The area is now void of everything except a small table and two chairs. Jack's laptop is open on the table and Jack and Sydney sit in front of it.) Jack: Almost a year after your apparent death, I was on an operation. One of the men I was tracking was this man. (Hands Sydney a black and white photograph. The camera pans to it.) Jack: Andrean Lazarey, Russian diplomat. Sydney (looking at Jack): I've never seen him before. (Jack appears troubled. Looks down at the computer, hits a button. What appears to be the beginning of a tape appears on screen.) Jack: This was from a hidden camera a hidden camera that I placed. (Jack watches Sydney as Sydney begins watching the feed. We see Lazarey get up from behind his desk to greet a woman with blond hair. We can't see her face. They kiss cheeks and then Lazarey walks behind the woman, as if perhaps to close the door. The woman turns, as if surreptitiously watching him. Her face is turned toward the camera. It's Sydney. Sydney gasps. She is shocked into silence.) Jack: This is how I knew you were alive. You...don't recall that man at all? Sydney (shaking her head in shocked disbelief at what she's seeing, whispers): No... (Cut back to the video. Lazarey walks past blond Sydney, we focus in on her hand... she slips a knife out of her coat sleeve while Lazarey's back is turned. Blond Sydney grabs Lazarey by the neck from behind and slashes his throat. Sydney gasps, in shock at what she's seeing.) Sydney: No... (Cut back to video. Lazarey has his hand at his throat, blood streams down his front as he falls to the floor. Sydney gasps. Cut to black. ALIAS) (End Act Five)

Plan: A: the enigma; Q: What does Sydney confront? A: the last two years; Q: How long does Sydney not remember? A: Vaughn; Q: Who has married someone else? A: Jack Bristow; Q: Who is Sydney's father? A: CEO; Q: What is Arvin Sloane's new job? A: Omnifam; Q: What is the name of the philanthropic organization that Arvin Sloane is working for? A: temporary CIA clearance; Q: What is Sydney granted? A: her memory; Q: What does Sydney want to regain? Summary: Sydney confronts the enigma that represents not remembering anything from the last two years of her life and what has happened to her friends and relatives in the meantime. She confronts Vaughn, who has married someone else because he believed Sydney was dead. Sydney also learns that her father, Jack Bristow, has been imprisoned and isolated and that Arvin Sloane is a new man working as CEO for a philanthropic organization called Omnifam. Meanwhile, she is granted temporary CIA clearance on a case that may help her regain her memory.

Scene: The living room of the apartment. Leonard and Sheldon are playing the three dimensional chess game from the original Star Trek series. It is Leonard's move. He takes his time, moving round the board and checking things from various angles. Finally he tentatively makes a move. Sheldon moves almost immediately. Sheldon: Checkmate. Leonard: O-o-o-o-h! Again? Sheldon: Obviously you're not well suited for three-dimensional chess, perhaps three dimensional candyland would be more your speed. Leonard: Just reset the board. Sheldon: It must be humbling to suck on so many different levels. Penny (knocking and entering): Hi guys. Leonard: Hey! Penny: Did you get my mail. Leonard: Yeah, right here. How was Nebraska? Penny: Oh, better than North Dakota! (Pause) I guess that joke's only funny in Nebraska. Sheldon: From the data at hand you really can't draw that conclusion. All you can say with absolute certainty is that that joke is not funny here. Penny: Boy, it's good to be back. Leonard: How was your family? Penny: Ugh, it was the worst trip, everyone got sick over the weekend. Sheldon: Sick? Leonard: Here we go. Sheldon (running to opposite side of the room): What kind of sick? Penny: Oh, the flu I guess. Sheldon: I don't need you to guess, I need you to know, now when did the symptoms first appear? Penny: Maybe Friday. Sheldon: Friday, was that morning or afternoon? Penny: I... I don't... Sheldon: Think woman, who blew their nose and when? Leonard: Sheldon, relax, she doesn't have any symptoms, I'm sure she's not contagious. Sheldon: Oh please, if influenza was only contagious after symptoms appear it would have died out thousands of years ago. Somewhere between tool using and cave painting, homo habilus would have figured out to kill the guy with the runny nose. Leonard: Penny, you'll have to excuse Sheldon, he's a bit of a germophobe. Penny: Oh, it's okay, I understand. Sheldon: Thanks for your consideration, now please leave. Leonard: You'd better go before he starts spraying you with Lysol. Penny: Okay, well, thank you for getting my mail. Leonard: No problem. Welcome home. (Sees Penny out. Turns to find Sheldon spraying the air with Lysol.) Sheldon: What? Credits sequence Scene: The kitchen Leonard: What the hell are you doing? Sheldon: I'm making petrie dishes to grow throat cultures. Leonard: With lime jello? Sheldon: I need a growth medium, and someone polished off the apricot yoghurt. Here, swab my throat. Leonard: I don't think so. Sheldon: Leonard! If I'm going to get ahead of this thing I need to find out what's growing in my throat. Leonard: Sheldon, you are not sick. This is, but you are not. Sheldon: We have no idea what pathogen Typhoid Penny has introduced into our environment. And having never been to Nebraska I'm fairly certain that I have no cornhusking antibodies. Leonard: Sheldon, don't you think you're overreacting? Sheldon: When I'm lying comatose in a hospital relying on inferior minds to cure me, these jello cultures and my accompanying notes will give them a fighting chance. Leonard: I'm going back to bed. Sheldon: Wait. (Handing him a measuring jug) Put this in the bathroom. Leonard: What for? Sheldon: I need to measure my fluid intake and output to make sure my kidneys aren't shutting down. Leonard: I mix pancake batter in this! Sheldon: No, that measuring cup has always been for urine. Leonard: You had time to make a label for everything in this apartment, including the label maker, but you didn't have ten seconds to make one that said urine cup? Sheldon: It's right here on the bottom. Leonard: Huh. I guess I owe the Betty Crocker company a letter of apology. Scene: Sheldon's bedroom. Sheldon wakes up and coughs. Picks up an electronic thermometer and takes his temperature. Sheldon: Oh, dear God. (Shouting) Leonard! Leonard, I'm sick! Cut to Leonard entering living room in panic, stumbling and trying to put on a pair of trousers. Sheldon (voice off): Leonard! Leonard I'm sick! Leonard grabs jacket and leaves through front door. Sheldon (entering, wrapped in duvet): Leonard! Leonard! Leonard. Leonard, my comforter fell down, and my sinuses hurt when I bend over. Leonard? (Bends to get phone) Ow! Leonard (voice on phone): Hey. Sheldon: Leonard, where are you? Leonard (running down stairs): I'm at work. Sheldon: At six-thirty in the morning? Leonard: Yes. Sheldon: On Sunday? Leonard: Yes. Sheldon: Why? Leonard: They asked me to come in. Sheldon: Well, I didn't hear the phone ring. Leonard: They texted me. Sheldon: Well, as I predicted, I am sick. My fever has been tracking up exponentially since 2am, and I am producing sputum at an alarming rate. Leonard: No kidding? Sheldon: No. Not only that, it has shifted from clear to milky green. Leonard: Alright, well, get some rest and drink plenty of fluids. Sheldon: What else would I drink? Gasses? Solids? Ionised plasma? Leonard: Drink whatever you want. Sheldon: I want soup. Leonard: Then make soup. Sheldon: We don't have soup. Leonard: I'm at work, Sheldon. (A woman enters the apartment building with a barking dog.) Sheldon: Is that a dog? Leonard: Yes, Sheldon: In the lab? Leonard: Yes, they're training dogs to operate the centrifuge for when they need dogs to operate the centrifuge for blind scientists, I have to go. Scene: Howard's bedroom. The phone is ringing. Howard's Mother (voice): Howard, it's the phone. Howard: I know it's the phone, Ma, I hear the phone. Howard's Mother: Well who's calling at this ungodly hour? Howard: I don't know. Howard's Mother: Well ask them why they're calling at this ungodly hour. Howard: How can I ask them when I'm talking to you! (Into phone) Hello. Leonard: Howard, it's Leonard, code Milky Green. Howard: Dear Lord, not Milky Green! Leonard: Affirmative, with fever. Howard's Mother: Who's on the phone. Howard: It's Leonard. Howard's Mother: Why is he calling. Howard: Sheldon's sick. Howard's Mother: Were you playing with him? Howard: For God's sake, Ma, I'm twenty six years old. Howard's Mother: Excuse me Mr Grown-up. Whadda-ya want for breakfast. Howard: Chocolate milk and eggoes please! Leonard: Howard, listen to me. Howard: Hang on, call waiting. Leonard (voice): No, don't, don't.... Howard: Hello. Sheldon: Howard, I'm sick. Howard (imitating his mother's voice): Howard's sleeping, this is his mother. Why are you calling at this ungodly hour? Sheldon: I need soup. Howard: Then call your own mother. (To Leonard) It was Sheldon. Leonard: I tried to stop you. Howard: It's my own fault, I forgot the protocol we put in place after the great ear infection of '06. Leonard: You call Koothrappali, we need to find a place to lay low for the next eighteen to twenty four hours. Howard: Stand by. Ma, can my friends come over? Howard's Mother: I just had the carpets steamed. Howard: That's a negatory. But there's a Planet of the Apes marathon at the New Art today. Leonard: Five movies, two hours apiece. It's a start. Scene: The Cheesecake Factory. Waitress: Homeless crazy guy at table eighteen. Penny: No, just crazy. Sheldon, what are you doing here? Sheldon: I'm sick, thank you very much. Penny: How could you have gotten it from me, I'm not sick. Sheldon: You're a carrier. All these people here are doomed. You're doomed! Penny: Shhh! Sheldon, what do you want. Sheldon: I want soup. Penny (over Sheldon's strange throat clearance): Why didn't you just.... (louder throat clearance) Why didn't you just have soup at home. Sheldon: Penny, I have an IQ of 187, don't you imagine that if there were a way for me to have had soup at home I would have thought of it? Penny: You can have soup delivered. Sheldon: I did not think of that. Clearly febrile delirium is setting in, please bring me some soup while I still understand what a spoon is for. Penny: Okay, what kind of soup do you want. Sheldon: Well, my mother used to make me this split pea with little frankfurter slices and these home made croutons. Penny: We have Chicken Tortilla and Potato Leek. Sheldon: Can I get any of those with little frankfurter slices and home made croutons? Penny: No. Sheldon: Then surprise me. (Blows nose into handkerchief. Shows it to next table) Would you call that moss green or forest green? Scene: The cinema. Everyone is wearing ape masks. Howard: Look at this, everyone went chimp. Raj: Well I'd like to point out, I voted for orang-utan, but you shouted me down. (Phone rings). Leonard: Oh, hi Penny! Penny: Hey, where are you? Leonard: I'm... uh... at work. Penny: You sound funny. Leonard: I'm... uh... in a... I'm in a radiation suit. What's up? Penny: Yeah, well I'm at work too, and you'll never guess who's here infecting my entire station. Leonard (To Howard and Raj): Sheldon's at the Cheesecake Factory. (Into phone) Just tell him to go home. Penny: He won't leave, he says he's afraid he'll pass out on the bus and someone will harvest his organs. Leonard (To Howard and Raj): He's paranoid, and he's established a nest. Penny: Can you please come get him? Leonard: Uh, yeah, I'd be... I'd be happy to Penny. (Holds phone up, Howard makes warning siren noises) Oh my God there's a breech in the radiation unit (Raj joins in) The whole city is in jeopardy, oh my God, Professor Googenfeil is melting, gotta go, bye! (To Howard and Raj) I feel really guilty. Raj: You did what you had to do. (Steals some of Howard's popcorn) Howard: Take your stinking paws off my popcorn you damn dirty ape. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The stairwell. Sheldon: Thanks for bringing me home. Penny: Oh, it's okay, I didn't really need to work today, it's not like I have rent or car payments or anything. Sheldon: Good. Good. Penny: Okay, well, you feel better. Sheldon: Wait, where are you going? Penny: Um, home, to write some bad cheques. Sheldon: You're going to leave me? Penny: Sheldon, you are a grown man, haven't you ever been sick before? Sheldon: Well, of course, but, not by myself. Penny: Really, never? Sheldon: Well, once. When I was fifteen, and spending the summer at the Heidelberg Institute in Germany. Penny: Studying abroad? Sheldon: No, visiting professor. Anyway, the local cuisine was a little more sausage-based than I'm used to, and the result was an internal blitzkrieg with my lower intestine playing the part of Czechoslovakia. Penny: And there was no-one there to take care of you? Sheldon: No. No, my mum had to fly back to Texas to help my dad because the house had slipped off the cinderblocks again. Penny: Again? Sheldon: It was tornado season. And it was an aluminium house. Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn't speak any English, when I finally managed to convince her I was sick, she said "mag das du ein anspeilung?" Penny: What does that mean? Sheldon: Based on what happened next, I assume it means "would you like an enema?" Penny: Okay, sweetie, I'll take care of you, what do you need? Sheldon: Well, my mom used to give me sponge baths. Penny: Okay, ground rules, no sponge baths, and definitely no enemas. Sheldon: Agreed. Scene: The cinema. Raj: Here we go, ten and a half hours of apey goodness. Leonard: Oh dammit, my glasses. Okay, I'm blind here guys, can you help me find them? Howard: Sorry. (Crunching sound) Found 'em. Leonard: Oh great. Howard: Sorry, don't you have a spare. Leonard: Yeah, at home. Raj: Well if you leave now, you can be back before the gorillas rip the crap out of Charlton Heston. Howard: Unless Sheldon's there, in which case you'll be trapped forever in his whiny hyper neurotic snot-web. Leonard (Dials phone): Hi, Penny. I was wondering, is Sheldon still at the restaurant? Okay, that was very nice of you. Okay, gotta go, got kind of a full blown Chernobyl thing here, gotta go, bye. (To Howard) He's home, I'm screwed. Ten and a half hours of apey blurriness. Raj: How about Lasic? Leonard: You want me to get eye surgery? Raj: Would you rather go back to the apartment and deal with Sheldon, or have a stranger carve out your corneas with a laser beam? Howard: Well? Leonard: I'm thinking! Scene: Sheldon's bedroom. Penny: Okay, nice and cosy, okay, I'll see you later. Sheldon: Wait. Will you please rub this on my chest. Penny: Oh, Sheldon, can't you do that yourself? Sheldon: Vaporub makes my hands smell funny. Penny: But Sheldon.... Sheldon: Please, please, please, please, please, please, please. Penny: I can't believe I'm doing this. Sheldon: No, no, counter-clockwise or my chest hair mats. Penny: Sorry. Sheldon: Can you sing "Soft Kitty". Penny: What? Sheldon: My mom used to sing it to me when I was sick. Penny: I'm sorry, honey, I don't know it. Sheldon: I'll teach you. "Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr." Now you. Penny (after a loud sigh): Soft kitty, warm kitty... Sheldon: Little ball of fur. Keep rubbing. Penny (through gritted teeth): Little ball of fur. Scene: The living room door, a fibre-optic camera emerges from underneath. We see the scene from its point of view. Cut to outside. Raj is holding a laptop, Howard is feeding the camera under the door. Leonard: What do you see, what do you see. Raj: The living room appears to be empty. Leonard: Okay, he must be in his bedroom. My spare glasses are in my bedroom, on my dresser, next to my Bat-signal. Howard: I'm not going in there. Leonard: Raj? Raj: No way, Jose. Leonard: Well I can't do it, I can't see anything. Howard: It's all right, wireless mini-cam and Bluetooth headset. We'll be your eyes. Leonard: Fine. Howard: One more thing. This is a subsonic impact sensor. If Sheldon gets out of bed and starts to walk, this device will register it and send a signal to the laptop. At that point, based on the geography of the apartment and the ambulatory speed of a sick Sheldon, you'll have seven seconds to get out, glasses or no glasses. Leonard: Won't my footsteps set it off? Howard: No, you'll be on your hands and knees. Now you'll need to get the sensor as close as you can to Sheldon's room. Leonard: Well, how do I carry it if I'm on my hands and knees? Cut to Leonard entering apartment on hands and knees, carrying the sensor in his teeth. Howard: Stay low. Bear left. Now keep true. Leonard: What? Howard: It means go straight. Leonard: Then just say go straight. Howard: You don't stay go straight when you're giving bearings, you say keep true. Leonard: Alright (Bangs head on a trunk.) I just hit my head. Howard: Because you didn't keep true. (Time shift, Leonard is now outside bedrooms) Okay, turn right. Raj: The... the picture's breaking up. Howard: Angle your head to the right. A little more. A little more. (Leonard now has his head at right angles to his body) That's it, now just keep true. Alright, you're close enough to Sheldon's room, deploy the sensor. Now turn it on. Leonard: It wasn't on? Howard: No. Leonard: Then why did I have to crawl? Howard: Oh, I guess you didn't. Leonard: Okay, it's on. Howard: Good. From this point forward you will have to crawl. Leonard: I know. Howard: Hang on, the sensor's picking up something, turn your head back. (Camera angle shows a pair of female legs.) Penny: You rat b*st*rd. Howard (running down stairs with Raj): Told you the sensor would work. Leonard: Hi! Penny: You deliberately stuck me with Sheldon. Leonard: Well, I had to, you see what he's like. Sheldon (off): Penny! Penny, I'm hungry. Penny: Uh, it's okay, sweetie, good news, Leonard's home! Leonard: No! Penny (handing him vaporub): Here you go, good luck, bye. Leonard: W-wait! Sheldon: Leonard, I'm hungry! Leonard: Wait! Penny! Take me with you! (Runs after her and bumps into pillar. Falls semi-conscious to the floor. Sheldon appears in his comforter.) Sheldon: I want grilled cheese. Time shift. Sheldon and Leonard are on the sofa. Sheldon is wrapped in his comforter, Leonard is holding an ice-pack to his head. Sheldon: Do you think Penny will come here and take care of us? Leonard: I don't think Penny's ever coming here again. Sheldon: I'm very congested. Leonard: Yeah, so? Sheldon: Can you go to the kitchen, and get me the turkey baster labelled mucus. Leonard: If I stand, I'll vomit. Sheldon: Under the sink, yellow Tupperware bowl.

Plan: A: Penny returns; Q: Who returns from Nebraska? A: mail; Q: What does Penny pick up from Leonard? A: a germophobe; Q: What is Sheldon? A: his already obnoxious personality; Q: What made Sheldon even more demanding? A: a Planet of the Apes; Q: What movie series were the guys watching? A: his glasses; Q: What does Leonard break in the cinema? A: the apartment; Q: Where does Leonard go to get his glasses? A: Howard and Raj; Q: Who piloted the laptop? A: a Bluetooth helmet camera; Q: What does Leonard use to see where he is going? A: the short-sighted Leonard; Q: Who is short-sighted? A: a wall; Q: What does Leonard run into when he tries to escape? A: sick Sheldon; Q: Who does Penny have to take care of? Summary: Penny returns from visiting family in Nebraska, but mentions while picking up mail from Leonard that most of her relatives became sick. Sheldon, a germophobe according to Leonard, freaks out and becomes sick, becoming demanding on top of his already obnoxious personality. Familiar with Sheldon being sick, Leonard and the guys hide from him at a Planet of the Apes series marathon, leaving Penny to care for Sheldon. However, Leonard breaks his glasses in the cinema and has to retrieve his spare pair from the apartment, piloted by Howard and Raj using a laptop, an endoscope, and a Bluetooth helmet camera worn by the short-sighted Leonard. Penny intercepts him and abandons him to his fate with Sheldon. Leonard tries to escape, but runs into a wall and nearly knocks himself out. In the end, injured Leonard and sick Sheldon sit miserably on the couch.

Michael: [knock at Michael's Office door] Yeah? Oscar: You wanted to see me? Michael: Yes, Oscar come on in. Close the door if you would. Thank you, thanks so much for talking to me. Oscar: Yeah sure. Michael: I'm going in for a procedure today. Oscar: Is everything okay? Michael: Yeah, it's routine. I'm just a little bit scared. Oscar: I'm sure everything will be fine. [pulls up a chair] What do you? What's the procedure, if you don't mind my asking? Michael: It is a colonoscopy. Oscar: Okay. Michael: In your experience, what should I be expecting in terms of sensation or emotions? [Oscar looks irritated and frustrated] Is there anything I can do to make it more pleasurable for me or for Dr. Shaundry? Oscar: [sighs] Oh my God. Michael: My main concern, should I have a safe word? Oscar: Yeah. [Oscar gets up and walks out] [SCENE_BREAK] David Wallace: So Michael, do you think you can give me a run down on the Buffalo clients by Monday? Michael: Abso... you know what? I'll do you one better, Sunday, Sunday night. David: Okay, I will look at it Monday. Michael: Ho, Hol, hold on big guy, I'm gonna put it in the mail Sunday night and you'll get it Weds. David: Okay, Jim you wanna hit the conference room? Jim: Sure. Pam: Hey, Good luck. Michael: Oh right, this thing. I remember now. [whispers to Jim] What's this about? Jim: Ah, this is just me and David, if that's okay. Michael: It's okay with me but he's gonna want me in there. David: No, ah it's okay Michael. We got it. Michael: Really? David: Yeah. Michael: Alright, do you mind if it sit this out? I have so much work to do, I feel like I'm gonna blow my brains out. David: [nods] Okay. [Jim smiles and waves to Pam] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Am I worried that Jim and David are having a meeting without me? No, because we are the Three Amigos. And once in awhile one of the Amigos will go off... to the bathroom... while the other two have a secret meeting. [shrugs] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey let me escort you to your desk. Pam: Okay, it's just three or four steps but thank you, thank you. Michael: You and Jim are close, huh? Pam: Yeah, I think the pregnancy really brought us together. Michael: Hey, what do you think he and David are talking about? What do you... Pam: Ummm, I don't know. Michael: Well, you said good luck to Jim as he walked in. Pam: Did I? Doesn't sound like me, not very superstitious. Michael: If you are lying to me right now Pam, your baby is gonna come out a liar. That's how it works. They inherit things through the breast milk. Pam: Please don't talk about my breast milk. Michael: I just don't want you to lie to me. I don't want you to ever lie to me. Have I ever lied to you? Pam: Yeah. Michael: I just don't want you to. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: I was rushing to fill an order. I put the ladder up to grab a box of three hole from the top shelf. Next thing I know, I'm on the ground and the ladder's on top of me. Toby: And that's how you broke your ankle? Darryl: Yes. Dwight: Hmmm, interesting. How did the ladder end up on top of you, if you fell off of it? Darryl: This doesn't concern you man, you need to walk away. Dwight: Oh really, I'm sorry I thought this was a free country. I didn't know we were in communist Sweden. Darryl: If we were living in Sweden, I wouldn't have to worry about this 'cause we'd have universal healthcare. Dwight: Nnnnn, that's not... okay. Darryl: Be quiet. Dwight: I'm talking about... hmmm. Toby: I will send this off to corporate. Make sure you hold on to your medical bills. Feel better. Darryl: Thanks T-Man, later. [fist bumps Toby} Dwight: So long Darryl, feel better... [to Toby] He's lying. Toby: He has a doctor's note. Dwight: Oh? From who, Dr. J? Look, you really need to investigate this. People don't just fall off of ladders. Toby: A guy on my street fell off a ladder painting his house. It was on the news. Dwight: Since when have you known Darryl to rush to do anything other than to come up here for birthday cake? [imitating Darryl] Y'all having birthday cake? Toby: That's not a very good Darryl. Dwight: Please... and how many foremen do you know that pull boxes? Toby: Hmmm. Dwight: It just doesn't add up. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Well, we did a little investigation and Dwight had a good point. The ladder didn't reach the top shelf. I don't know if I believe it, but I am a fan of the hardboiled detective novel. [impression] I'll punch you in da mush, see. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [walks into conference room on his cell phone, interrupting David and Jim] Uh huh, well if he doesn't like it you can tell that SOB that he is fired. Sorry, I'm going into a meeting right now. I will... I love you too. Bye. Jim: Who was that? Michael: Sorry about that. What'd I miss? David: Michael, we would like to continue the rest of this meeting in private, please, if you don't mind. Michael: Do not mind! Yes, I do! No, I don't. Yes, I do! No, I don't mind. Catch you guys on the flippity flop. Oh this... call waiting. [answers his phone] Yeah, uh huh, well you tell the Mayor he just lost six votes. [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: [spying on David and Jim] They've been in there a while. Michael: Yeah. Creed: Can't be good. Michael: Nope. Creed: Think they're talking about me? Michael: No, I think they're talking about me. Creed: Yeah, that makes way more sense. Okay thanks boss. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: What is Jim telling him? That I can't handle this job? That 's bull crap. That is bull crap. Although, it has been chaotic lately. Corporate shut down the Buffalo branch which left us to absorb all of their clients. I will tell you there has been work everyday. Had to come in on a Saturday. To retrieve... I left my cell phone here. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hey Kelly. Kelly: Ugh, so jealous of your boobs. Pam: Thank you. Um, listen I just wanted to confirm that you're not coming to the wedding, which is totally understandable and more than fine. Kelly: Is Ryan going? Pam: I don't know, he hasn't RSVP'd yet. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: We invited everyone in the office to our wedding. Even though we realized most people wouldn't be able to make the drive to Niagara Falls. [whispers] Which is why we're having it in Niagara Falls. [normal volume] Then Michael told everyone they could have Friday and Monday off, if they came. So now, people have to decide if they want to come to our wedding or have to work. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: Here's the deal. I really want to go but I'm not gonna go if Ryan doesn't go, because it's kind of a waste of time. That came out wrong. It would awesome if you could try to get him to go because I'd really like to be there to support Jim. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: What can I do for ya Hoss? Michael: [staring into the conference room] How are your sales doin'? Andy: How are my sales doin'? Busted. My numbers are down a little bit and it's 'cause of the economy. You're not buying it, you're good. Okay the truth is, I have been having trouble focusing lately. I'm in this weird, flirty, nebulous thing with this cousin of mine and it's a total mind effer. Phyllis: Again with the cousin. Andy: Oh, I'm sorry Phyllis, you explain this email, okay. "Hey Andy let's go visit grandma and then get drunk together, ha ha." Michael: Shhh, I'm just trying to figure out what's going on in that room, okay? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Wallace had to show up on the one four month period that I'm completely overwhelmed. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: You know when they say it's so crazy it just might work? Well, I don't believe that. I say go for the air-tight plan and that is why I am having Andy wheel me into the conference room inside a makeshift cheese cart. It is just elegant. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [in the cheese cart] Be my eyes. Andy: You got it. Stanley: What have we here? Andy: Oh, just backing up and turning around. Kevin: Hey, we're gonna do this... Andy: Dit, dit, dit, dit, it's not for you. [enters the conference room] Pardon moi, Messieurs. I took the liberty of preparing for you a cheese platter which I will place here on the eastern wall of the conference room. David: Cheese platter? Andy: Oui, Oui, Monsieur. From the Wisconsin region, a nice firm cheddar. Also from the great state of Wisconsin, an aged parmesan. Here you will find a cheddar style spread which has reacted nicely with the air to form a light rind which I think you'll find both challenging and delicious. At that point, I would recommend you take a trip south of the border to the great state of Illinois where you will find this fine Bleu Cheese dressing. If I may be so bold, it's a lot of fun to let the goldfish take a little swim in the bleu cheese. Bon appetit. David: Alright, well I should go. Thanks for this. You've given me a lot to think about. Please promise me you won't do anything until we speak. Jim: No, I won't. Alright, thanks for giving me your time, I appreciate it. David: Thank you Jim. [SCENE_BREAK] David: Erin, is Michael around? Erin: I think he's around here... Michael: [crawls out of the cheese cart unseen] Hey, hey, you must have walked right past me. How you doin'? David: Ah, yeah, could we talk in your office for a second? Michael: Yes, definitely. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: [spying at Darryl's house] Sounds like a EMDP-40. Dwight: Nah, that's a GE. A P40 is much higher pitched. Toby: You're into trains? Dwight: I have been my whole life. Toby: Wow. Dwight: I'm rebuilding a turn of the century steam engine in my slaughter house. Toby: That's so cool. Dwight: Yeah. Toby: Wow, I'd love to take a look at that. Dwight: Yeah, it's just a run of the mill slaughter house, but sure anytime. Toby: Well, you know, 'cause of the trains. Dwight: Wa... wa... wait , someone's coming. Toby: Uhh, oh boy, oh boy. Dwight: Here, get down! He's not using crutches! Get the camera! Toby: Get over there! Get over there! Dwight: Oh, worker's comp, my ass! Toby: I can't believe this. [mistaking Darryl's sister for Darryl] Hey you, ass****! Dwight: Toby... Toby: You gonna eat all that dog food yourself? Dwight: Ooohhh... [crashes car into garbage cans] Oh man! You okay? Toby: Just keep going. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hey Ryan. Ryan: Hey. Pam: So, I just wanted to confirm that you're not coming to my wedding. Ryan: Yeah, I might stop by. Pam: It costs about $75 per person. Ryan: Okay, I once had a glass of Cognac that cost $77. Pam: Can you just tell me now if you're coming or not? Ryan: Yes, I'm coming to your wedding. Pam: Okay, Ryan Howard, yes. Ryan: Probably, yes. Pam: Kelly Kapoor, yes. [SCENE_BREAK] David: Are you sure you're okay with these new responsibilites? Michael: Look who you're talking to. David: I'm just trying to figure out the best way to utilize everyone's talents. Michael: Well I would say that my greatest talent is being the best man, woman, or child, to have ever run this branch, ever. David: What about Jim? Do you think Jim is someone who is ready to move into a management position? Michael: [looks at Jim] Permission to speak on the record? David: Please do. Michael: Jim is like Big Bird. He is tall and yellow and very nice. But would I put him in charge? No, I don't think so. Because Big Bird doesn't make the tough decisions. I... If I was gonna put someone in charge, I would put Burt in charge or I would put one of the real grown-ups in charge, like Maria or Gordon, maybe. David: I thought you liked Jim? Michael: Very much, Jim is my best friend. But it's his performance report... right here. Now this was written by Toby, who we all know is extremely reliable. David: [reading performance report] "Constant office distractions, spends way too much time at reception, antagonizes other salesman, not at all what he thinks he is." Michael: It's not very well written, but you get the gist. David: Is there anybody else you think could run the day to day of the branch? Michael: I can just continue to run it myself. David: Jim had an interesting idea to help you with this extra work load and it involved you being promoted to oversee all northeast sales and then Jim would be promoted to your position. Michael: This was Jim's idea? David: Mmhmm. Michael: Wow. Ummm, well I'd have to talk to my mother and my guy at H and R Block. David: Ummm... okay, here's the thing though. The plan doesn't work unless we have someone to replace you. I was hoping... plus we have to worry about Jim, he has another job offer. We may have to replace him. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I didn't tell Michael because I thought he'd try to help. Example, he handed out Jello shots at the 23rd mile of the Steamtown marathon. [SCENE_BREAK] David: Jim can you walk me out to my car for a second. Jim: Sure. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [after talking to David, Jim looks dejected] I can't help but feel partially responsible. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [shakes jelly beans] Little pick me up? [Jim accepts] Oh those are the best. Little sugar rush. Jim: When you were in the office earlier talking to Wallace, did I come up at all? Michael: Well we did talk about how handsome you are. Jim: Why don't we head in your office to talk? Michael: Oh what a week, God. We said... I know there were certain things we said... Jim: Michael, look I'll just be honest with you. Earlier today I spoke with Wallace about a promotion. I actually think that talk went really well. And then after he spoke with you, for some reason it felt like things had changed. Michael: Hmmm, that's weird, that's weird... it's kinda weirding me out. Did you know that Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Jim: Michael, did you say anything? Michael: Tell you what, when you leave this office I am going to call Wallace and I am going to tell him that you should get that promotion. Jim: Really? Michael: Yes! Jim: You will? Wanna do it right now? Michael: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I tried to keep Michael in the dark. I should have known that he can do just as much damage in the dark. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I need to see your pupils. I need to see if they're dilated. Toby: If they were dilated... Darryl: Toby! Dwight! Is that them? Gwenneth: Definitely. Darryl: You come to my house, bust up my trash cans, call my baby sister an ass****, and told her to eat dog food. Dwight: We thought that she was you. Darryl: Why would you think a lady is me? Dwight: Are you... are you serious? Be... cause you look exactly alike. Am I the only one? Are you getting this? Toby: No, nah. I don't see it. Darryl: Here's what I'm gonna do, I'm calling corporate and I'm filing a complaint against both of you. Dwight: Aww, Darryl. Darryl: C'mon Gwenneth. Gwenneth: Sad. [SCENE_BREAK] David: [on phone] This is David. Michael: Hey David, this is Michael Scott. [Jim pushes speaker phone button] Michael Scott here. David: Yep. Michael: Just wanted to talk to you about Jim Halpert. I understand that he did not receive the promotion. And I wanted to see what I could do to nudge you in the right direction. David: So, what, you're changing your mind about Jim? Michael : Absolutely, [turns speakerphone off] not. [turns speakerphone back on] Like I said before, Jim is fantastic and he deserves this job. David: Michael, it seems like you're cutting in and out... This is not what you said earlier. Michael: Wha... here's the thing, Jim is the best man for this job, I think you should give it to him. David: Well, it doesn't change what you showed me in Jim's file. Michael: Well, nnnn, that... that was an anomaly. That file had been falsified. Toby Flenderson is doing drugs. David: Michael, I really don't know what's going on [police sirens in background] down there, but... oh, dammit, I am getting pulled over for talking on my cell, dammit. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Hey Darryl, look ahhh, we're here to apologize ahh... Darryl: Cool. Dwight: Wait! They're using the lift as their own personal elevator. Toby: What? Dwight: He broke his ankle climbing over the railing and he lied about it because it was a misuse of company equipment, case closed. Darryl: Stupidest thing I've ever heard. Dwight: Really? Then why is there new wood only on one railing? Hmmm? We should check the security tapes Toby. Toby: Well, I don't think there's any reason to check 'em but I suppose if we wanted to be really certain... Darryl: Alright, yeah fine so whatever... Dwight: Yes! Toby: You really did it... Dwight: Now, I would like to file an official complaint to corporate because Darryl lied on an official form. Darryl: And I'm telling them you guys sexually harassed my sister. Dwight: Phhhht. No judge is gonna believe that... Toby: Ahhh, kay. Look, we could all file complaints against each other and just drown in a sea of paperwork, but you know, we can just move on with our... with our lives. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: So Dwight and Darryl came to an agreement that both would file complaints with corporate and now I get to do all this paperwork. We worked it out. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey, hey Jim, it would make me feel really good right now if you would just punch me in the face. Alright, Just do it. Jim: How many times have I asked you to put me up for a branch manager job. Michael: I never recommended you because I didn't want to lose you and I didn't want to lose Pam, [starts to choke up] and now I don't wanna lose the baby. Jim: So instead, you screwed me? Michael: That's what she... Jim: No. Erin: David Wallace is calling. Michael: Kind of in the middle of something here. Erin: Should I tell him you'll call him back? Michael: I, yeah... no, I'll tell him myself. Let's both. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [on phone] Hello. David: Hey Michael, you got Jim there with you? Michael: No, it's just us. David: Actually, can you call Jim in? I want him on, please. Michael: Oh, oh, well here he is right now. [Michael knocks on desk] Come in. [Makes sound effects for door opening and footsteps and points to Jim to answer] Jim: Hi David. David: Hey guys, so I spoke to Alan, we had kind of an unconventional idea, which I think is pretty cool. But it only works if everyone's on board. Michael: Well just as long as it means Jim becomes a manager. David: We were thinking of having two branch managers in Scranton. Both of you guys working as co-managers. Jim would handle the day to day and Michael you would focus on clients and big picture stuff. Jim: Wow, that sounds pretty cool. Michael: I like that, so manager and co-manager. David: Co-manager and Co-manager. See, there are a lot of moving pieces and this is the only way I can sell it upstairs. Michael: Well that might be a little confusing for people because they know me as manager. David: Alright, hey Michael can you pick up for one second. [Michael picks up phone] Okay look, I'm not going to force you into anything. If you're willing to lose Jim, fine, you just say so and we'll find another solution, okay. Is that what you want to do? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Okay people, listen up, I have an announcement to make, fraud was committed... Michael: Okay everybody, I have an announcement to make... whoa do you have an announcement? Dwight: I'm... I was making it. Michael: Everybody, David Wallace and I have talked and we have decided to promote Jim to the position of co-manager. Stanley: Co-manager of what? Michael: Of your butt, and your butt, and your butt, all of the Scranton branch butts. Phyllis: What's happening to you Michael? Michael: What's happening to me? I am also being promoted to co-manager, we will be co-managers together. Jim Halpert, welcome. Jim: [shakes Michael's hand] Thank you. [Dwight looks disappointed and angry behind them] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: Niagara Falls in October? Pfft, hells yeah. Pam: Do you think that you could send in your RSVP card? Meredith: Nah, I'll just tell you now, easier. Pam: Well, you have to choose a food option and there's information in there about directions and lodging... Meredith: I'll just have whatever's fanciest, unless there's ribs. I'll just get the other information the day of, I'll text you. Pam: You are going to text me, the morning of my wedding. Meredith: Uh huh. Pam: To ask for directions.. Meredith: Right... Pam: And you will eat whatever is fanciest? Meredith: Unless there's ribs. [leaves] Angela: Rude. Pam: So rude, right? Angela: Mmm hmmm. Pam: [sits down] Oh my gosh, I have been chasing people down all day. It's incredible. Angela: Pam, my bag was there...

Plan: A: Jim; Q: Who submits a plan for promotions? A: David; Q: Who does Jim submit his plan to? A: his position; Q: What does Michael think Jim is trying to steal? A: Darryl's worker's comp claim; Q: What does Dwight and Toby investigate? A: her wedding; Q: What is Pam struggling to gather responses for? A: Dwight's horror; Q: What is Dwight's reaction to Jim and Michael being made co-manager? Summary: Jim submits a plan for promotions for himself and Michael to David which Michael manages to bungle as he thinks that Jim is trying to steal his position . Dwight and Toby investigate Darryl's worker's comp claim. Pam struggles to gather responses for her wedding. Ultimately, Jim and Michael are made co-manager to Dwight's horror.

Prologue: Sunnydale cemetery at night. The camera is high above and angled down sharply on Buffy sitting on a blanket with her legs covered by another one, and Giles behind a nearby gravestone. He has a book open and reads from it as the camera pans down and pulls in until it is level with him. Giles: 'And on that tragic day, an era came to its inevitable end.' That's all there is. Are you ready? Buffy: Hit me. Giles: Which of the following best expresses the theme of the passage? A) Violence breeds violence, B) All things must end, C)... Buffy looks down at her answer sheet and fills in a bubble with her No. 2 pencil. Buffy: 'B'. I'm going with 'B'. We haven't had 'B' in forever. Giles: (exasperated) This is the SATs, Buffy, not connect-the-dots. Please pay attention. A low score could seriously harm your chances of getting into college. Buffy: Gee, thanks. That takes the pressure right off. Giles: This isn't meant to be easy, you know. It's a rite of passage. Buffy: Well, is it too late to join a tribe where they just pierce something or cut something off? Giles: Buffy, please concentrate. (looks back at his book) She sees a vampire approach behind him. Buffy: Roll! She tosses her notebook and answer sheet off of her lap and scrambles out from under her blanket and to her feet. Giles: (looks up) What? He sees her rushing toward him, instantly realizes that he needs to get out of the way and shoulder rolls onto the ground out of danger. Buffy vaults herself over the gravestone, finishing in a roundoff to the ground, and without a moment's hesitation side kicks the advancing vampire in the stomach. He goes flying backward, landing hard on his back. Buffy rushes him, grabs his legs and pushes them up, forcing him into a back roll away from her. The vampire ends up in a standing position and tries to punch her, but misses her entirely. She tries a punch, but he middle blocks her and takes a swing with his free hand at her face. She ducks both it and the next punch he throws. She straightens back up and roundhouse kicks him in the side, but he keeps his balance and tries to roundhouse kick her in turn. She ducks it, and his momentum carries him around in a spin. He comes to a stop facing her and tries to punch her in the face, but she grabs onto his arm and blocks his next punch. He brings his free hand up again, but she smashes her forearm down to block it. Seeing an opening, Buffy takes her pencil and stabs him cleanly in the chest. She pulls it back out, and the vampire bursts into ashes. Buffy starts back to her blanket. She looks at the tip of her pencil and sees that it's broken. Buffy: Hmm. I broke my No. 2 pencil. We'll have to do this again sometime. Giles extends his hand to her holding a sharpened No. 2 pencil. Giles: C) All systems tend towards chaos. She flips her broken pencil at him and snatches the new one from his hand. Giles watches her old pencil fly by him and hit the ground next to him. Buffy sits back down cross-legged on her blanket and picks up her notebook and answer sheet. Buffy: I just know that us and the undead are the only people in Sunnydale working this late. She pouts up at Giles and waits for him to start reading again. Cut to Sunnydale City Hall. Mayor Wilkins: I appreciate you coming. Cut inside to the Mayor's office. He's leaning on the backrest of his chair, smiling. He starts to walk out from behind his desk. Mayor Wilkins: I realize it is early... for you... but I think you'll agree that this matter is urgent, (stops next to Trick) also... delicate. Trick: I'm a very delicate person. Mayor Wilkins: So you feel you can handle this? Trick: (inhales) It's a little out of my element, but I can get you what you need. I know a beast who knows a guy. Mayor Wilkins: (heads over to a wall cabinet) Are you sure that subcontracting is the way to go here? Trick: Well, this guy's worked your town before, and if he lives up to his rep, (smiles) this place'll be in flames. Mayor Wilkins: I've made certain deals to get where I am today. This demon requires his tribute. (unlocks the cabinet) You see, that's what separates me from other politicians, Mr. Trick. He opens the cabinet. The shelves are full of occult paraphernalia: skulls, a fetus preserved in a bottle, various urns and chests, a shrunken head, the bones of a forearm and hand, and various tools of the trade. Trick looks uneasily at all of it from his vantage point by the Mayor's desk. Mayor Wilkins: I *keep* my campaign promises. He reaches in and takes out the shrunken head. He pulls on the tuft of hair at the top, and a small section of the head pulls open and folds back on the leathery skin. The Mayor takes a quick sniff from the hole and closes the flap of skull and skin again. Mayor Wilkins: Where'd I put that Scotch? (looks around) Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ The quad at Sunnydale High. Buffy, Willow and Oz appear at the top of the outside stairs and start down. Buffy: And then I was being chased by an improperly filled-in answer bubble screaming, 'none of the above!' Willow: Wow. I hope that wasn't one of your prophecy dreams. (gets a look from Buffy) Probably not. Oz: Hey, you know, I took it last year. I could help you get ready. There's this whole trick to antonyms, but... this isn't the place. Willow: Oz is the highest-scoring person ever to fail to graduate. They reach the bottom of the stairs and continue to walk along the colonnade. Buffy: Isn't she cute when she's proud? Oz: She's always cute. Cordelia and Xander come out through the breezeway and walk behind them. Willow: We could work on it tonight. Xander: Work on what tonight? Cordelia: Oh, God. Are we killing something again? Buffy: Only my carefree spirit. Oz: Buffy SAT prep. Willow: Oz is helping. (smiling proudly) He's the highest-scoring... Cordelia: (interrupts) We know. We did the impressed thing already. Willow frowns. Xander: I hate they make us take that thing. It's totally fascist, and personally, I think it, uh, discriminates against the uninformed. Cordelia: Actually, I'm looking forward to it. I do well on standardized tests. She gets looks from everyone. Cordelia: What? I can't have layers? Cut to the hall doors near the cafeteria. The group enters. Willow: So, Buff, study tonight? Buffy: Uh, yes on the studying, no on tonight. I'm putting in Mom time. She's been drastic ever since I got back. And Giles is even worse. I'm supervised 24-7. They turn into the cafeteria. Buffy: It's like being in the Real World house, only real. Willow: Hmm. They see a table piled up with boxes of Milkbar fund-raiser chocolate bars. Other students are each taking a box as Snyder checks their names off on his clipboard. Willow: Ooh, candy bars! Lots of 'em! Snyder holds out a box. Xander: Principal Snyder, thank you! (takes the box) You weren't visited by the Ghost of Christmas Past, by any chance? Snyder: It's band candy. Buffy: Let's hear it for the band, huh? Very generous. Snyder: You will sell it to raise money for the marching band. They need new uniforms. Xander: Yeah. Those tall, fuzzy hats ain't cheap, huh? Oz: But they go with everything. Willow smiles at that. Buffy: I'm sure we love the idea of going all Willy Loman, but we're not in the band. Snyder: And if I'd handed you a trombone, that would've been a problem, Summers. (holds out a box) It's candy. (she takes it) Sell it. He walks off leaving them all staring at their boxes. Cut to the kitchen at Buffy's house. She and her mother are eating Chinese food for dinner at the island. Joyce: But you're not in the band. Buffy: And yet. Joyce: Buffy, what would I do with forty chocolate bars? Buffy: You could hand them out at the Gallery. 'Buy something Pre- Columbian, get a free cavity.' Her mother considers, and decides it can't hurt to at least help. Joyce: Twenty. She hands her daughter back the box. Buffy: You're a good mom. (sets down the box) Joyce: I'm the best. Buffy: (picks up her glass) No, I'm pretty sure the best moms let their daughters drive. She takes a sip of her water, eyeing her mother hopefully. Joyce: And yet. Buffy: (sets down her glass) Oh, come on! Joyce: (gets up) Look, let's not have this conversation. (goes to the fridge) Buffy: But I took the class. I watched the filmstrips with the blood and the death and the corpses. I'm prepped. Joyce: (opens the fridge) Honey, (grabs the water jug) you failed the written test. (pours herself more) They wouldn't even let you *take* the road test. (puts the water back) Buffy: That was a year ago. And I don't test well... she said, two days before the SATs. Joyce: (comes back to her seat) I spend enough time not knowing where you are. (sits) I don't wanna add to that the possibility that you're on the highway to Chicago. (takes a drink) Buffy: (dumbfounded) I can't believe you. I'm *not* taking off again. (shrugs) Besides, if I wanted to, I could just get on a bus. Joyce: Stop. (inhales) Don't. (exhales and looks at Buffy intensely) I just don't want you driving, okay? I want you here. Buffy: (widens her eyes) I'm here. Hmm? (picks up her egg roll) See me here. (takes a bite) Mm-hm? Joyce nods and turns back to her plate. Buffy: (with her mouth full) Mm... I gotta go. (gets up and grabs her box of candy bars) Joyce: What, you're going out? Buffy: (turns back at the door) Giles. Slay-study double feature. Could be late. Joyce: Again? Honey, don't you think Mr. Giles is monopolizing an awful lot of your time? Buffy: And does he ever say he's sorry? Cut to the library. Giles is tying a blindfold tightly around Buffy's head. Buffy: Ow! Giles: Sorry. Buffy: Why do I put up with this? Giles: Because it is your destiny... (walks around her) and because I just bought twenty 'cocorific' candy bars. (hands her a large rubber ball) Buffy: Okay, you're just doing this to take funny pictures of me. Giles: (walks around her) I'm doing it to test your awareness of an opponent's location during a fight in total darkness. Now, wait five seconds and then throw the ball at me. He silently backtracks and takes several steps away from her toward the cage. Buffy: You ran out of new training ideas about a week ago, huh? Okay. Five, four, three, two, one. She turns around and faces the door to Giles' office. He smiles, thinking she's completely clueless as to where he is. Buffy throws the ball. It hits the wall high above the checkout counter and bounces off. Giles: It's not that simple, is it... The ball bumps him in the side of the head. Giles: Ow. Ahem. Yes, well, very good. Buffy: (takes off the blindfold) Thanks! (heads out of the library) Giles: W-w-w-where are you going? We have to patrol! Buffy: (stops and faces him) I can't. Mom's in hyperdrive. She wants me home tonight. I told you. (starts out again) Giles: But, I... Buffy: (stops by the door) I know, I know. She's out of control. Enjoy the candy! (leaves) Giles looks at the swinging library door for a moment, considering her odd behavior. Cut to Angel's mansion. Cut inside. The door to the atrium is open. The camera slowly tracks toward it. Soon a shirtless Angel is in view, practicing the slow, elegant forms of T'ai Chi. He brings his arms down together in front of him and then over to his right. As he brings his left arm up across his abdomen, he crosses his right arm over his left. His motions remains fluid as he slowly moves his left arm out in front of him, palm up, and extends his right arm out to his side. He draws his arms together again, this time crossing his left arm over his right and repeats a mirror image of his last move. Never stopping his motion, he brings both hands to his waist, palms facing forward, and slowly raises his right arm and sweeps it across in front of himself, palm down, while he sweeps his left arm across below his right, palm up. Buffy walks into the doorway and stops just to watch him, amazed at the fluidity and smoothness of his motions. Angel doesn't notice her, and continues the exercises. He has his arms extended, his left hand angled up sharply from his forearm, and his right hand clasping the heel of his left. He brings them around in a broad sweeping motion toward Buffy and then raises them, separates them and spreads them apart with his palms facing away from him. He raises his head as he does so and sees Buffy standing there watching him. Angel: Buffy. She looks down briefly, slightly embarrassed to be caught watching him like that, and then looks up at him again with a little smile on her lips. Buffy: I didn't know you could do that. He gives her the briefest glimpse of a small smile as he tries to straighten himself up from his slightly bent stance. Angel: I-I'm feeling better. He can't maintain his posture, and bends back over, supporting himself with his right hand on his knee. Buffy rushes to his aid. Buffy: Angel... She gets under his left arm and helps him stand up straight. Buffy: Let's... get you inside. They slowly make their way back into the mansion. Cut inside. There is a warm fire going in the fireplace. Buffy picks up a small paper bag as they go past the coffee table in front of it. Angel: It's late. How'd you get away? Buffy: Aw, it was easy. Started a fire in the prison laundry room. Rode out in the garbage truck. They stop and let go. Angel faces Buffy, not sure what to make of that. Angel: Oh. He sits on the edge of the couch. Buffy: I'm joking. (raises her right hand and waves it) No garbage. Smell me. She steps closer to him, but stops. Angel just looks up at her. She lowers her arm and sighs. She puts the bag down next to him and steps over to an adjacent couch set at a right angle to his, and sits also, but very stiffly. Angel leans back on his cushions. Angel: How is, uh... Scott? Buffy: Scott? (smiles weakly and looks down) Oh, um... boyfriend Scott. Uh... (inhales deeply) A-actually, he's not... (looks up at him) He's fine. (exhales and nods) Angel gives her a little nod. Buffy indicates the bag she left next to him. Buffy: Uh, that's for you. Angel reaches for it. Buffy: Uh... I-it's fresh from the butcher. Angel: Thanks. He reaches in and takes out a quart-sized plastic tub of blood. He gives it a brief look, then slips it back into the bag and sets it aside. Buffy looks away shyly, knowing he doesn't want to eat in front of her. Angel: You're being careful, right? Buffy: (looks up surprised) With Scott? Angel: The slaying. Buffy: Oh. (smiles and exhales) Uh... Yeah. Of course. (nodding a lot) Full of carefulness. Angel: (looks down) I worry about you. (looks at her) Buffy: (pauses briefly) I worry about *you*. He stares down again for a moment, stroking the cushions. Angel: I'm getting stronger. Buffy: (gives him a little smile) Yeah, pretty soon, you won't even need me. Angel: (nods a little) That'll be better. Buffy: (unsure how to take that) Yeah. They continue to sit in silence. Cut to Buffy's house. She opens the front door and comes in. She swings it closed behind her and sets her books down on the table by the coat rack. She turns around and is startled by her mother standing by the stairs and looking at her unusually calmly while rubbing her fingers over a chocolate bar in her hands. Buffy: Hey! (thinks fast) Uh, sorry I'm late. You know Giles. All slay, all the time. Giles steps into view from the dining room with his arms crossed and a stern look on his face. Giles: Hello, Buffy. Buffy: (gestures into the living room) Do you guys wanna watch some television? I hear there's a very insightful Nightline on. Joyce: Buffy, you lied to us. And you made us into your alibis. That's... playing us against each other, and that's not fair. Giles: I called Willow. (Buffy is at a loss) You also lied to her about your whereabouts. We were all concerned. Joyce unwraps her chocolate bar and holds it out to Giles to take a piece. Giles: Oh, thank you. (breaks off a piece) Buffy: Look, I'm sorry, but I had to... She turns around and walks into the living room. Joyce follows her, and Giles also a few paces behind. Joyce: Were you at the Bronze? What was happening there that was so important? Buffy stops, lets out an exasperated sigh and turns to face her mother. Buffy: (gestures and shrugs) Bronze things. Things of Bronze. Joyce chews on a piece of her chocolate bar. Joyce: (condescendingly) You're acting really immature, Buffy. Giles: (also chewing) I know I'm not your parent, but I am responsible for you. I think your mum's right. (sits on a couch armrest) Buffy: Okay, fine. I'm acting like a child. Maybe that's because you're both treating me like a child. Joyce: (sounding hurt) Buffy! Buffy: You're both scheduling me twenty-four hours a day. Between the two of you, that's forty-eight hours. (Giles takes off his glasses) I just wanna be able to make a few decisions on my own. Joyce: The last time you made a decision on your own, you split. (pops another piece of candy) Buffy: Yeah, and I took care of myself. I don't need this much active parenting. Joyce: (incredulous) You can't really be trying to use this summer as a reason you should be trusted. (eats another piece) Buffy: You can't babysit me all the time. I need you to back off a little. Giles: (holds up his hand) Uh, alright, come on. Let's, let's not, uh, freak out. Buffy: (taken aback) 'Freak out'? Giles: Mm-hm. (stands up) Uh, I think you should go to bed. (puts his glasses back on) Um, we're all tired. Buffy just looks at the two of them as though they're crazy. She faces away for a moment and then walks off to her room. Her mother watches her go, shaking her head. Joyce: Oh, she just drives me crazy! She sighs and crumbles up the end of the candy wrapper and drops it onto the coffee table. Giles scratches his head and steps back over to the couch to sit. Joyce goes to join him. Joyce: I just want to protect her. They both sit down. The camera lowers its angle. Giles: Don't all parents want that? He reaches into his jacket pocket to pull out a candy bar of his own. There is an entire box of them on the coffee table next to various picture books. He starts to unwrap his bar. Joyce: Yeah, but at least most parents have some idea what to protect their children from. Giles: Yeah. And I think we should both be especially careful. He breaks off a piece, sticks it into his mouth and hands the rest to Joyce. Joyce: Mm. She takes a piece and munches on it. Giles reaches into the box on the table for yet another bar. Cut to the Milkbar factory, makers of "The Best Chocolate Bar", according to the box. A worker opens the top box of an as yet unsealed case and reaches in for a bar. He pulls back the outer wrapper, looks around to see if anyone is watching, and starts to peel back the foil when suddenly Ethan Rayne comes up behind him and puts his hand on his shoulder. Ethan: Trust me. (steps around the worker to face him) You don't want to eat that. Ethan walks off as the worker quickly puts the bar back into its box before it gets sealed for shipping. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ Study hall in the science classroom. A boy throws a wad of paper at another. Boy: Think fast. The target boy almost manages to catch the paper, snags it as it's about to roll from the table and sets it aside. A moment later he takes it again and looks back at the boy who threw it, watching for an opening. The camera closes in on Cordelia and Buffy sitting at the table behind him. Cordelia: (sighs) I heard that there was a secret rule that if a teacher's more than ten minutes late, we can all leave. Buffy: (looks up from studying) It's Giles' turn to watch study hall. He'll be here. (looks back at her book) He's allergic to late. Cordelia: (sighs) He is wound a little tight. I had this philosophy book checked out from the library for, like, a year, and he made me pay the fine, even though it was huge. (Buffy gives her a look) I was sad to return it. (smiles) It was perfect for starting conversations with college boys. (lets out a little laugh) Of course, that was B.X. Buffy: B.X.? (gets a nod from Cordelia) Before Xander. Clever. They both go back to their studying. Willow and Xander are at the table behind them. Xander is busy munching on a chocolate bar. The books in front of him are closed. Xander: I like chocolate. (Willow looks at him) There is no bad here. Willow: You still have some left? (shrugs) I went to, like, four houses, and they were gone. It's like Trick-or-Treating in reverse. (smiles at him) Xander: I know. These things are selling like hot cakes... (they look at each other) which is ironic, 'cause the hot cakes really aren't moving... The camera descends below the lab table. Their knees are touching. They each dangle a leg from their stools and brush them against each other. Xander: And it's, uh, ahem, fun to sell chocolate. Ahem. Willow rubs her calf along Xander's shin. Cut back above. Willow: And we're raising a lot of money for the band. Xander looks back and forth between Willow and his chocolate bar a few times, then focuses on his candy. Willow plays with her pencil while looking at her book. Xander: The band. Yeah. They're great. They march. Cut below the table. They continue to rub their legs together. Willow: Like an army. (cut above) (very distracted) E-e-except with music instead of bullets, and... usually no one dies. Cut below. They rub their shoes against each other with their legs still crossed. Cut above. Cordelia suddenly turns to face them. Cordelia: I can't believe this. Cut below. Willow and Xander immediately whip their legs apart. Cut above. They both hit opposite legs of the table and make it lurch with a loud thunk and pray that they haven't given themselves away. Cordelia: Where is Giles already? I'm bored, and he's not here to give me credit for it. Buffy looks over at the classroom door, suddenly concerned. Cut to the halls. Principal Snyder and Ms. Barton are walking toward the classroom. Snyder has a chocolate bar in his hands. Snyder: The big pinhead librarian didn't show up, and I don't wanna do it. (points at her with his candy bar) You do it. Ms. Barton: Alright, fine. I'll do it. She turns to go into the room and rolls her eyes. Snyder: (to himself) Everybody expects me to do everything around here because I'm the principal. (starts to walk) It's not fair. Cut into the science room. Ms. Barton comes in and claps her hands a few times to get the students' attention. Ms. Barton: Hey! We're all stuck here, okay? So now let's just sit quietly and, (indicates a book on the teacher's desk and smiles) and pretend we're reading something (Buffy is confused) until we're really sure that old Commandant Snyder's gone. Then we're all outta here! (smiles widely) Xander: Does anyone else wanna marry Ms. Barton? Cordelia: Get in line. Willow: I guess Giles isn't coming? Buffy: (very concerned) I guess not. Cut to outside Giles' apartment. Buffy walks up to the door and stops. She peers in through the view port, sees Giles and goes in. Cut inside. Giles is crouched by a cabinet where he keeps his vinyl record collection, looking at an album. Buffy comes in and closes the door behind her. The sound gets Giles' attention, and he looks up. Giles: Buffy. He slips the record into the cabinet. The camera cuts behind him and slowly pans right past his couch where Joyce is sitting. Buffy: (walks in) Uh... sorry. I... I was just worried. You were a big not-there in study hall, and after your lecture to me on not ducking out... (confused) and what is my mother doing here? Giles steps over to Joyce. Giles: (with a mouth full of chocolate) We had an opportunity for, um, you might say, a summit meeting. It took priority over study hall. I called in. Buffy: (still confused) Oh. Joyce: We decided that you made a good point earlier, honey. She and Giles both nod. Buffy: I did. Yeah. (very confused now) Which was...? Joyce: A-about us overscheduling you. (looks to Giles for support) Giles: Pulling you in two directions, (sits on the coffee table) uh, your home life and your duties as a Slayer. Buffy: Oh. That was a good point. Joyce: We're working out a coordinated schedule for you. Giles: It'll be tight, but, uh, I think we can fit in all your responsibilities. (smiles) Buffy: (gives them an uncertain smile) Sounds nice and structured. Joyce: We've got more work to do here, honey. Why don't you give us a little more time? Giles gets up and walks over to the fireplace mantel to stare at a picture. Joyce reaches into her purse, pulls out her car keys and stands up. Joyce: Um... Take the car, and, um, Mr. Giles can drive me home. (holds out the keys) Buffy: (wide-eyed) What? (smiles and shakes her head) Excuse me, I meant what?! Joyce: Keys. Take them. Buffy: You don't have to tell *me* twice. Well, actually, you did, but... (snatches the keys) bye! (rushes out) Joyce: Bye, honey. Drive careful. Buffy: (opens the door) Uh-huh! She runs out the door without looking back, pulling it closed behind her. Joyce turns to face Giles. Joyce: Do you think she noticed anything? He turns to face her. A cigarette dangles from his lips. He lights his lighter. Giles: No way! He holds the flame to his cigarette. Joyce smiles and reaches down for a bottle that she had squirreled away under the end table. She twists off the cap. Giles closes his lighter and takes a drag. He takes the cigarette out of his mouth and takes a deep breath. Cut to a residential street later that night. Buffy and Willow are driving along in Joyce's Jeep. Willow: Tell me again how it happened. Buffy: Told my mom I wanted to be treated more like a grownup, and voila: (smiles) driviness. She takes a corner without slowing down, and skids around it. That shakes up Willow, and she begins to breathe nervously. Buffy: Also, I think she wanted me otherwhere. Considering my mom and Giles are planning my future, I think it's easier for them to live my life if I'm not actually there. Willow: (notices the parking brake) Do you know that you have the parking brake on? Buffy: Uh-huh. She releases the parking brake. The engine suddenly begins to rev much higher, and they accelerate. Willow: (nervously) Are, are you sure about the Bronze? I mean, the SATs are tomorrow. Buffy: I can study at the Bronze. (smiles) A little dancing, a little cross-multiplying. (smiles wickedly) You know what we need? She reaches over, turns on the radio and begins to turn the station dial. In the process she bends over too low to see over the dashboard. Willow: Eyes on the road! Eyes on the road! While changing stations, Buffy doesn't realize that she is pulling on the steering wheel, and the car makes a wide left turn, but fortunately onto another road, and so doesn't hit anything. Cut to Giles apartment. He's lying on his back on the floor, coat and tie gone, shirt unbuttoned to reveal his undershirt, getting ready to light a pair of cigarettes as he grooves to the sound of Cream singing "Tales of Brave Ulysses" on vinyl playing on his record player. Joyce is sitting cross-legged in front of his record cabinet looking through his albums as she grooves also. Joyce: You got good albums. Giles: Yeah, they're okay. (lights the cigarettes) Lyrics: And the colors of the sea bind your eyes with trembling mermaids Joyce: Do you like Seals and Croft? Giles turns his head to give her a look. Lyrics: And you touch the distant beaches with tales of brave Ulysses Joyce: Yeah, me neither. Giles hands her one of the smokes. Lyrics: How his naked ears were tortured by the sirens sweetly singing Joyce: Thanks. (takes a drag) Lyrics: For the sparkling waves are calling you Joyce: So how come they, uh, call you Ripper? Lyrics: To kiss their white-laced lips Giles: (sits up) Wouldn't you like to know. The song goes into a guitar riff between verses. Giles: Hmm, wait a minute. Listen to this bit. He gets into it, smiling, bobbing his head and waving his cigarette to the beat. Behind him Joyce takes another drag. Giles: It rocks! Lyrics: And you see a girl's brown body Joyce: It's good. Giles gets up and goes to look into the mirror above the record cabinet. Giles: Man, I gotta get a band together. He starts running his fingers through his hair. Lyrics: Dancing through the turquoise Joyce: (stands up) Hey, Ripper, you wanna watch TV? Lyrics: And her footprints make you follow where the sky loves the sea Joyce: (leans against the cabinet) I know how to order pay-per-view. Giles: (takes off his outer shirt) No, let's go out and have some fun. Lyrics: And when your fingers find her, she drowns you in her body Giles: Tear things up a bit. Joyce: Okay. We could go to the Bronze. Lyrics: Carving deep blue ripples in the tissues of your mind Giles: Not bloody likely. That place is dead. Cut to the Bronze. A guy has his head tilted back as the bartender pours orange juice and vodka directly into his mouth. His friends surround him and goad him on. There are unusual numbers of older people there. Dingoes Ate My Baby (Four Star Mary) is on the stage performing "Violent". The dance floor is very crowded with people of all ages. Even the older couples are dancing to the beat of the band. On stage Devon dances around to the lead-in. Just before the song begins he leans over to Oz. Devon: Hey, they're diggin' us, man! Cut to Willow and Buffy coming into the Bronze. They look around at the unusual mix of people in the crowd. Lyrics: The strangest things / I've always known Oz sees Willow and smiles. Lyrics: It slays me every time Willow and Buffy give each other very amazed and concerned looks. Lyrics: Darkened fields / Have overgrown Willow and Buffy continue through the crowd. Buffy: Let's do the time warp again. Lyrics: You want to lay me out? Willow: Maybe there's a reunion in town or, or a Billy Joel tour or something. Lyrics: Tie me down? / Tie me Ms. Barton walks past the two girls. Buffy: Ms. Barton? Ms. Barton: (stops and faces her) Buffy? Whoa! Lyrics: Our love Willow: Are you okay, Ms. Barton? Lyrics: Covered in my blood Ms. Barton: (smiles widely) Oh, I'm cool, Willow. (realizes) Willow... That's a tree. (giggles) You're a tree! Willow and Buffy exchange a look. Lyrics: Is so violent Ms. Barton: (looks around) Yeah, uh, uh, are there any nachos in here, little tree? Lyrics: Our love Buffy: A-are you sure you don't need some fresh air, Ms. Barton? Ms. Barton: (laughs hysterically) Okay... (goes into the crowd) Lyrics: Covered in my blood Willow: Hey, this is not normal. Buffy gives her a look. Lyrics: Is so violent Willow: Uh, w-well, maybe that goes without saying. Snyder spots them from behind and comes up between them. Snyder: (smiling hugely) Hey, gang! (puts his arms around the girls' shoulders) This place is Fun City, huh? (laughs) Buffy: Principal Snyder? Lyrics: Shake this scene / another one Snyder: Call me Snyder. Just a last name, like... (trying to be cool) Barbarino. He lets go of the girls and pumps his arms and fists around wildly. Willow leans slightly away from him. Snyder: Ooh! I'm so stoked! Willow has no idea what to make of this. Snyder comes back down from his outburst and lets out a breath. Lyrics: It plays me every time Snyder: Hey, did you see Ms. Barton? I think she's wasted. Lyrics: We're not that green Snyder: I'm gonna have to put that in her next performance review 'cause... (smiles) 'cause I'm the principal! (laughs) Lyrics: We're overdone Snyder turns around and heads back into the crowd. Lyrics: You want to lay me out? Willow: (to Buffy) I don't like this. They could have heart attacks. Lyrics: Tie me down? Buffy: Uh, well... ma-maybe there's a doctor here. An older, shirtless man jumps up onto the stage, pushes Devon away from the microphone stand and yells out into the crowd. Man: (yelling) Yeeeeaaaaaah! Willow: I think that *is* my doctor. The man jumps from the stage expecting to be caught by the crowd, but they don't react fast enough, and he slams into the floor. Willow and Buffy both cringe at the sight. Willow: He-he's usually less... topless. Snyder sticks his head between the girls. Snyder: I got a commendation for being principal. (impressed with himself) From the Mayor! (gestures) Shook my hand twice. Buffy: That's nice. Snyder nods and inhales deeply. Two attractive women walk past them with drinks. Snyder makes eyes at them. Snyder: Whoa! There are some foxy ladies here tonight! He heads off after them. Buffy and Willow walk in the other direction. Willow: What's happening? Buffy: I don't know, but it's happening to a whole lot of grownups. They stop by the stairs. Willow looks around at the crowd. Willow: They're acting like a bunch... Buffy: They're acting like a bunch of us. Lyrics: Our love Willow: (confused) I don't act like this. Lyrics: Covered in my blood Cut to the Milkbar factory. Boxes of chocolate bars keep rolling off of the line. Trick and Ethan walk through the shipping area. Trick: Demand's high. Ethan: I thought it might be. Trick: That's the reason I love this country. You make a good product, and the people will come to you. Of course, a lot of them are gonna die, but that's the other reason I love this country. They stop walking, and Trick steps over to the man inspecting the boxes before they get sealed. Trick: Hey! Don't sample the product. Man: But I didn't. Trick grabs him by the overalls, pulls him into a headlock and jerks his head around, breaking his neck and throwing him to the floor. Ethan looks away in distaste. Trick straightens his jacket and checks his pinky ring. They continue to walk. Ethan: Okay. Uh, how did you know he was... Trick: I don't. Now I know no one else will. (checks his watch) We're getting close. (to a line worker) Keep it flowing. (to Ethan) It's almost feeding time. He walks off leaving Ethan standing there staring after him. After a moment Ethan heads back the way they came. Cut to the Bronze. The Dingoes are between sets, and Oz has joined Willow and Buffy. They all observe the crowd. "Slip Jimmy", by Every Bit of Nothing, plays in the background. Buffy: Something's definitely changing them. Willow: A spell? Oz: They're teenagers. It's a sobering mirror to look into, huh? Snyder walks by, sees Oz and stops. Snyder: You've got great hair. He walks around Oz, smiling and staring at his hair. Suddenly the music stops and a group of older men start singing "Louie Louie" up on the stage. They are off key, out of sync and basically just plain terrible, but the crowd dances to them anyway. Old men: Louie Louie / Oh, baby / We gotta go / Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah / Louie Louie / Oh, baby / We gotta go / Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah An old nerd walks by as Buffy and Oz stare. Willow: It just gets more upsetting. Several older couples on the dance floor kiss passionately. Old men: Louie Louie / Oh, baby / We gotta go / Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Buffy: No vampire has ever been (points at the stage) *that* scary. Old men: Louie Louie / Oh baby / We gotta go Behind them a man staggers through the crowd, drunk and munching on a chocolate bar. He bumps into another man. They face each other and begin to pick a fight. Patron: Fight! Snyder turns to face the group, smiling and nodding his head vigorously. Snyder: Fight! Willow lets out a helpless sigh. Buffy starts to head out. Buffy: We've gotta figure out what's going on. This has Hellmouth fingerprints all over it. Willow and Oz follow her. She stops by a pinball machine where she sees a woman hold out a candy bar to her boyfriend. He takes a huge bite while he keeps playing the game. Their pause gives Snyder a chance to catch up after noticing they are leaving. Snyder: Hey, where are we going? The four of them leave the club. Cut outside. The three teenagers rush out and head for Joyce's car. Snyder is still inside. Snyder: Wait up, you guys! He comes out the door. Snyder: Hey! You guys aren't trying to ditch me, are ya? Buffy, Willow and Oz get into the Jeep. Snyder follows them. Oz: We should find Giles. He'll know what's going on, right? Snyder runs up to the passenger side of the car, and seeing the places are taken, he goes around to the driver's side. Buffy: Sure. Except for all we know, he's sweet sixteen again. (pulls on her seat belt) Willow: He's with your mom at his place. Buffy starts the car. Snyder opens the door behind her and gets in. Snyder: I said, wait up! (slams the door) Oz: Uh, Snyder... Buffy: No time. He's coming with us. She puts the car in gear and slams on the gas, burning some rubber in her hurry to get going. Snyder: Whoa, Summers! You drive like a spaz! Cut to a residential street. Two father types, one in his Volvo, the other in his Hyundai, are gunning their engines and munching on chocolate while waiting for the light to turn green. They look over at each other and nod and smile in anticipation of their race. They both take big bites out of their bars. A moment later the light turns, and they're off, tires screeching loudly as they race across the intersection and down the street. Cut to a playground in a park. The mailman is sitting on the carousel reading other people's mail. He laughs while he reads, then opens another one. Behind him couples are necking and chasing each other around. Near the jungle gym a couple of guys toss a Frisbee around. Cut to a street. Buffy and company come driving along at a fast clip. Cut inside the car. Willow: It'll be okay when we get to Giles'. Oz: Of course, I mean, even if he's sixteen, he's still Giles, right? He's probably a pretty together guy. Willow: (worried) Yeah, well... Oz: What? Buffy: Giles at sixteen? Less Together Guy, more Bad-Magic-Hates-The- World-Ticking-Time-Bomb Guy. Oz: Well, then I guess your mom's in a lotta trouble. Snyder raises his eyebrows and nods. Cut to the shopping district. Giles and Joyce walk along with their arms around each other. Joyce: Must be exciting being from England. (chews her gum) Giles: Not particularly. (kicks a can) You cold? (takes a puff of his cigarette) Joyce: Nah-uh. I feel... special, like I'm just waking up, kinda. Giles: Oh, yeah? Joyce: Yeah, like, uh, getting married and having a kid and everything was just a dream, and now things are back like they're supposed to be. Giles: Yeah? They walk past a boutique with some retro clothes on display in the window, and stop to look. Joyce spies a feathered wrap. Joyce: That's cool! (nods, smiles, chews) Very Juice Newton. Giles: (checks his hair in the reflection) You fancy it? Joyce: Yeah, but the store's closed. Giles takes a final drag from his cigarette, then tosses it aside. He grabs a trashcan and idly swings it toward the store's display window. Joyce quickly steps away. The glass shatters and falls everywhere when the can hits, and an alarm goes off. Joyce smiles widely and giggles hysterically while Giles climbs in and takes the wrap off of the mannequin. He grabs the hat from the mannequin as well and sets it on his head. Joyce looks around to see if anyone is coming. Giles comes back out and hops down to the sidewalk from the window opening. Giles: Woo-hoo! Joyce: Oh, Ripper! Wow, that was sooo brave! He helps her on with the wrap. Suddenly a policeman appears behind them and aims his gun at them. Officer: Hold it! Giles and Joyce freeze. Cut to an intersection. The camera starts high, showing that the light is green, and pans down to the gang driving along. Cut inside the car. Snyder: This is great! Let's do doughnuts in the football field, huh? They head into the intersection. Another Jeep comes in the other direction. The driver is too busy trying to get a chocolate bar unwrapped to realize that his light is red. Willow: Oh, my God, look out! They all tense up for the impact. The other Jeep hits them hard on the left rear door and back panel, making them spin around a quarter turn. [SCENE_BREAK] ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The street in front of the boutique. The police officer has his Beretta 9mm aimed at Giles, who lets go of Joyce to face him. Joyce backs away slowly. Giles takes the hat from his head and tosses it aside. He steps toward the officer and waves his arms around, taunting him. Giles: Ooo... Copper's got a gun! He jumps around a bit, taunting the officer some more. Giles: You'll never use it, though, man. Officer: Will so. Giles spies a candy bar in the officer's front jacket pocket. Joyce: Ripper, be careful! This distracts the officer, and Giles bats his gun-holding hand aside, grabs it and holds onto it as he head-butts the older man in the forehead and knees him in the crotch and again in the gut. The cop doubles over in pain. Giles twists the officer's arm up above his head and takes the Beretta from him, and then knees him in the face. The cop falls over unconscious. Giles sticks the gun into the back of his pants. Giles: Told him he'd never use it. (smiles) He sashays coolly over to Joyce as she leans against the police car. Joyce: You are sooo cool. (laughs) You're like Burt Reynolds. In a flash Giles has one hand around her neck and the other around her back. She startles and gasps, but doesn't struggle. Instead she takes the gum out of her mouth and they kiss passionately. Giles leans her back over the hood of the car. The camera follows her down and continues until it comes to rest on the emblem of the Sunnydale Police Department on the side of the car. Cut to Buffy's accident site. The two Jeeps are stopped side by side facing in opposite directions. The driver of the other Jeep quickly gets out. Man: Sorry! Gotta go! He runs off laughing as Buffy and the others get out of her mother's car. Her first instinct is to chase the man, but she lets him go and looks at the dent in the car. Buffy: Oh, God. She closes her door. Snyder swings his door closed as well, but it won't shut properly anymore. Buffy: Are you guys okay? Snyder nods as he also looks at the dents. Willow and Oz walk around the car. Willow: Is anybody else all creeped out and trembly? Off to the side they see three men sitting in the playground, laughing and smoking. Snyder: Oh, Buffy... (rubs his shoulder) Your mom's gonna kill you. Buffy looks at the other side of the street and sees five guys hanging out by a tree. Buffy: Something's weird. Oz: Something's not? Buffy: No grownups. Two women strut past the men by the tree, munching on chocolate. The guys give them catcalls. Snyder starts to unwrap a bar of his own. Buffy: No one's protecting their houses. Everyone's just... wandering. A man runs up behind Snyder, grabs his chocolate bar and runs off with it. Snyder: Hey! Willow and Oz stare at the man as he runs away. Snyder: Hey, give it! (goes after the man) Willow: Defenseless. Buffy: So where are all the vampires? They all consider this strange dilemma. Buffy: Soup's on, but no one's grabbing a spoon. Oz: Something's happening... someplace that's else. Buffy: I'd say something big. Snyder: (returns upset) That guy took my candy! Buffy suddenly gets it, and gives Willow and Oz an astonished look. Buffy: The candy. I-it's gotta be the candy! It's cursed. Willow and Oz exchange a look. Snyder: (worried) A curse?! Oh, I've got a curse. Willow: God, using candy for evil! Oz: My parents ate a ton. Buffy looks at Snyder and jumps at him, pushing him up against the other Jeep. Buffy: Who's behind it? Snyder: (confused) I don't know. It came through the school board. (shakes his head) If you knew that crowd... Buffy: (losing her patience) Where did it come from? Do you know where to get it? Snyder: Yeah. Buffy: (to Willow and Oz) You guys get Xander and Cordelia. Go to the library and look it up. Oz: Candy curses? Willow: Disturbing second childhood. Got it. She takes Oz's hand, and they start on their way. Buffy: (to Snyder) Ratboy and I are going to the source. She shoves him toward the car. Cut to the loading dock behind the Milkbar factory. Two men have cases of chocolate open and are throwing them out into a crowd. The camera pans over the crowd, which is getting larger and rowdier by the minute, past Giles and Joyce, who are into some serious snogging, and comes to rest on Joyce's Jeep as Buffy pulls it to a screeching halt. She and Snyder get out and march over to the crowd. Just as she passes her mother and Watcher, Buffy stops in her tracks. She turns to face them. Buffy: Mom? Giles?! Giles: (not skipping a beat) Go away. We're busy. Buffy: Mom! She pulls her mother away from her Watcher. Joyce: Hey! Buffy: (shocked) Where did you get that coat? Never mind. Listen... Giles grabs her arm and turns her to face him. Giles: Back off! Buffy: Giles, think about this. You wanna fight me, or you wanna let me talk to my mother? Giles realizes he wouldn't have a chance against her and backs down, yanking his hand from her and up to the side of his face, where he grabs a cigarette from behind his ear. Buffy turns back to her mother as Giles puts the cigarette into his mouth and reaches into his pocket for his lighter. Buffy: Mom, look at me. Do you know who I am? Giles lights his smoke. Joyce: (smiles) Of course. You're Buffy. (looks over at the crowd) Hey, look. They're, they're giving away candy. You want some candy? Buffy: No, I don't! And you don't need any more, either. Joyce: (very annoyed) I'm fine. I can have more if I want. Buffy: You are *not* fine. You need to go home. Joyce: (angry now) Screw you. I want candy! Buffy: Mom! Joyce: You wanna slay stuff, and *I'm* not allowed to do anything about it. Well, this is what *I* wanna do, so get off my back! Buffy: Mom, please, this is... Giles: (reaches for Joyce) Oh, for God's sake. (pulls her away) Just let your mum have the sodding candy. C'mon, Joyce... Buffy holds her mother back and points at her black Jeep Cherokee. Buffy: Mom, look at your car. Look at that dent the size of New Brunswick. I did that. Joyce can't believe her eyes. Behind her Giles takes a drag on his cigarette. Joyce: Oh, my God. (grossed out) What was I thinking when I bought the *Geek* Machine? Giles busts up laughing. Buffy can't believe her response. She gives up and steps over to Giles. Buffy: Listen to me. You need... Giles: (interrupts) No, you listen to me. (points at her) I'm your Watcher, so you do what I tell you. (points at the Jeep) Now, sod off! Buffy grabs the cigarette from his mouth, throws it down and stomps it out. Buffy: (sternly) Take her home. She heads for the crowd. Giles grabs Joyce's hand and starts after her. Giles: Joyce... Buffy pushes her way through the crowd toward the loading dock. She steps up on a crate and dispatches one of the men tossing candy to the crowd by punching him in the back of the knee. He crumples and falls off of the end of the dock. Buffy log rolls onto the platform and flips up to her feet. The other man throws away the box of candy bars he just grabbed, and Buffy ducks, thinking that it's being thrown at her. The man tries to punch her, but she punches him in the side and then backhand punches him in the face, following up with two more punches to the gut and the face. She ducks his attempt at a punch and roundhouse kicks him in the back, knocking him into the factory wall. She grabs onto his shirt, spins halfway around and launches him off of the dock and into the air towards another wall. He hits it hard and slides to the pavement. She sees Giles and her mother at the base of the dock stuffing chocolate bars into their pockets, and goes over to them. Buffy: Mom! She grabs her by the arms and pulls her up. Joyce: Hey! Giles: (looks up) Oy! You leave her alone! Buffy kicks in the door to the factory as Giles hops up onto the dock. He follows Buffy and Joyce into the building. In the crowd Snyder sees them go. Snyder: Hey, Brit-face! Wait up! He scrambles to join them. Cut inside. Buffy pulls her mother into the shipping area and lets go of her. Buffy: Stay. The place is piled to the ceiling with cases of Milkbars. Buffy looks around to see what she can find. Across the room from the conveyor where the boxes are sealed, she sees a man on a phone, listening. He's there alone. Giles and Snyder come into the shipping area behind her. Snyder: It smells so chocolatey. Buffy approaches the man on the phone. Giles: This is far out. The man starts talking into the phone. Ethan: Yeah, I've been out there. Town's wide open. You guys can go anytime. Buffy immediately recognizes the voice and crosses her arms as she closes the distance between them. Buffy: Ethan Rayne. He turns to face her, and his eyes go wide with surprise. Upon hearing the name, Giles approaches him also. Joyce is close behind. Together the three of them make an imposing sight. Ethan: (into the phone, nervously) Might wanna hurry. Giles: Ethan. Ethan: Ripper. He wastes no time breaking into a fast run. Buffy and Giles give immediate chase. Ethan runs under the inclined end of the conveyor and pulls a rack behind him to block their way, but the two of them just jump over the low end of it instead and continue the chase. Cut to the library. Oz and Xander are up in the stacks researching while Cordelia and Willow sit at the table looking through the more promising volumes. Cordelia: At first it was fun, you know? They seemed like they were in this really good mood--not like parents--and then... Willow: Badness? Cordelia: Mom started borrowing my clothes. There should be an age limit on lycra pants. And Dad, he just locked himself in the bathroom with old copies of Esquire. Xander comes down to the table with a couple more books. Xander: I don't get this. The candy's supposed to make you feel all immature and stuff, but I've had a ton, and I don't feel any dif... He gets looks from the girls. Xander: Never mind. He holds the two books out for Willow to choose. Willow: I'll take that one. She takes hold of a book, but her thumb ends up on Xander's, and they both feel the electricity between them as they allow the touch to linger longer than it needs to. They look at and then away from each other. Willow finally pulls the book from Xander's hand, and he heads back up the stairs with the other one. Cordelia stares into her book while Willow follows Xander with her gaze. Cordelia: You wanna swap? Willow: (startled) What? (confused) Swap? Cordelia: You wanna swap? This book is really thick, (trades with Willow) and I'm not sure it's in English. Willow goes back to her research, relieved that Cordelia didn't mean boyfriends. Cut to the Milkbar factory. Ethan runs through the maze of cases of candy bars. He reaches the end of an aisle and turns left. Buffy and Giles rush to keep up. They make several twists and turns, and finally Buffy comes around a corner to discover that she's lost him. Behind her Giles stops running, too, and breathes heavily to catch his breath. Giles: Where... Bloody Hell! Buffy: That's what smoking will do to you. Now be quiet. Giles: Well... Where'd the b*st*rd go? Buffy: (annoyed) Shh! She looks around and listens carefully. She goes around a corner and stops. Giles: What? Buffy pretends to go on, but then suddenly does a half-spinning hook kick into a crate. She yanks away a chunk of wood, reaches in and pulls Ethan's head out. Buffy: Look. A box full of farm-fresh chicken. Ethan gives her a nervous smile, but it quickly fades. Cut to Snyder and Joyce sitting on the conveyor. They are both munching on chocolate bars. Joyce: Do you suppose they're okay? Snyder: (chewing) Mm-hm. (keeps chewing) So... (chews) are you two kinda... (smacks his lips) like, um... (looks at her knees) goin' steady? Joyce rolls her eyes, sighs and hops down from the conveyor to get away from him. Snyder watches her go, sticks another piece of chocolate into his mouth and lets out a deep sigh. Cut to Buffy confronting Ethan. Buffy: So, Ethan, what are we playing? We're pretty much in a talk-or- bleed situation. Your call. Giles: Hit him. Buffy glares at him for an instant, then looks back at Ethan. Ethan: I-I'd just like to point out that this wasn't my idea. Giles paces behind Buffy. Buffy: Meaning...? Ethan: I'm subcontracting. It's Trick you want. I'm just helping him collect a tribute... for a demon. Giles: He's lying. Hit him! Buffy: I don't think he is, and shut up. Giles: (excitedly) You're *my* Slayer, (points at Ethan) go knock his teeth down his thr... Buffy: (interrupts) Giles! He turns away from her and continues pacing. Buffy: (to Ethan) What demon? Ethan: I don't remember. Buffy punches him solidly in the nose. He stumbles back against the broken crate. Giles jumps and swings his fist through the air. Giles: (smiles) Yes! Buffy gives Giles a glaring look. He loses his smile. Ethan: Lurconis. Demon named Lurconis. They wanted a way to get the tribute away from people. Buffy: So you're just Diversion Guy? Ethan: More than a diversion. Well, they said the tribute was big, so big that people would never let them take it. That people had to be out- of-it. And later on, when the candy wore off, they'd blame themselves. Buffy: (sighs) Hence, land of the irresponsible. So, where's Trick? Ethan: I don't know exactly. Giles: Hit him again. Buffy holds up her fist and gives Ethan a threatening look. Ethan: (wards her off with his hand) No! I-I-I really don't know. Delivering the tribute. Buffy: (steps closer) Which brings us to the bonus question, and believe me when I say a wrong answer will cost you *all* your points. Behind her Giles leaps up joyously with a huge smile on his face, anticipating a good fight. Buffy: What's the tribute? Cut to the maternity ward at Sunnydale General Hospital. The phones are ringing off the hook and all of the circuits on the switchboard at the nurse's station are flashing. The nurse just ignores it all and watches her small television. Four vampires boldly enter the hall and walk right past the nurse. She doesn't even notice them. They turn down another hall, very sure of where they are headed. They reach the room where the newborns are kept and walk straight in. Each of them carefully takes a crying baby from its crib. They walk out of the ward in single file, gently holding the babies in their arms. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The Milkbar factory. Ethan is leaning against a table while Snyder crouches nearby, keeping an eye on him. Buffy is on the phone with Willow at the library. Buffy: Right. Lurconis. Willow: (cut to her) Lurconis. A demon. What's his deal? Buffy: See if it says anything about a tribute. Willow: A tribute? Like what? Buffy: (cut to her) I don't know. (looks at Ethan) My source is all tapped out. Snyder: (to Ethan) She whupped you good, huh? (throws two punches) Yah! Wah! (stands up proudly) I can do that. I took Tae Kwon Do at the Y. He goes into a series of kicks and punches, grunting with each one as he advances toward Joyce, trying to impress her. She just rolls her eyes, looks away and sighs, unimpressed. Snyder realizes it didn't work and leans against the wall. Joyce blows a bubble with her gum. Buffy: (into the phone) No, no. It's definitely a demon. A big one. Ethan spies a crowbar on the table, and being unguarded now, reaches for it and begins to advance toward Buffy. Giles notices his advance. He pulls back the hammer on his stolen Beretta and points it at Ethan's neck. Giles: I wouldn't. Ethan stops cold in his tracks. Buffy turns around and swings the telephone receiver hard into Ethan's chin. He spins down to the floor, dropping the crowbar. Giles aims the gun at the back of Ethan's head, execution style. Buffy hands the phone to her mother. Buffy: Giles, give me the gun. (holds out her hand) He just stares at Buffy and doesn't give in. Buffy: (stares back) Giles... He keeps the gun aimed right where it is. Joyce talks into the phone. Buffy: (sternly insistent) Now. After another moment Giles reluctantly gives up his weapon. Buffy stuffs it into the back of her pants. Joyce holds the phone out to Buffy. Joyce: Uh, it's, um, it's Willow. She wants you real bad. Buffy: (takes the phone) Uh-huh? Cut to the library. Oz points into a book that he's just brought over to Willow. Willow: (into the phone) Okay, Oz just found it. (reads) 'The tribute to Lurconis is made every thirty years.' (paraphrases) I-it's a ritual feeding. A-and this one's late, so it's probably, you know, a big meal. Oz points to another paragraph. Willow: Oh. (reads to herself) And... (digests the information and recoils) Oh. Lurconis eats babies. Cut to the factory. Buffy immediately hangs up and starts to go. Buffy: Come on. (takes her mother's hand) Joyce: Well, what about that man? Buffy turns to see Giles holding the crowbar over Ethan, who is still on the floor. Buffy: Uh, see if you guys can find something to tie him up with. Joyce: Um... She reaches behind her and pulls out a set of handcuffs, dangling them from her thumb and giving her daughter a sheepish but mischievous look. Buffy: *Never* tell me. She grabs the cuffs and heads over to Ethan. Joyce follows her with her gaze and smiles. Cut to Sunnydale General. Cut to the maternity ward. Buffy holds an identification wristband left behind in one of the empty cribs. The camera pans up from her hand to Joyce. Giles is outside the room talking with the nurse on duty. Nurse: (in the background) I didn't see anything. I don't *know* where they are. Joyce: (sad and worried) Something's gonna eat those babies? Nurse: (in the background) What can *I* do? Snyder: I think that is so wrong. (shakes his head) Nurse: (in the background) Get off my back about it! (stalks off shaking her head) Giles comes into the room. Giles: She says she never saw who took them. Dozy cow. Buffy: I *know* who took them. Giles: Well, then let's do something. Let's find the demon and, and... kick the crap out of it. Snyder: Is that what happens now? Buffy: Yeah, if we knew where they were. (paces) Giles suddenly remembers a passage from a book and quotes it. Giles: 'Lurconis dwells beneath the city, filth to filth.' Buffy: (stops pacing) What? Giles: Ooo! (faces her) I know this. (tries to remember more) Uh... I knew this. 'Lurconis' means... (thinks) 'glutton'. And we'll find it, um... (thinks, shrugs) in the sewers. Joyce: The sewers? (goes to Giles for a hug) Snyder: Uh, good. You go do that thing with the demon, and I'll stay here in case the babies, you know, uh... find their way back. Joyce: (lets go of Giles) (sadly) The babies must be so scared. Giles: (to Snyder) You filthy little ponce. (steps toward him and challenges) Are you afraid of a little demon? Snyder: If you want to splash around in the poo, (shoves Giles) you're the filthy one! Giles shoves him back. Buffy: (gets between them, very annoyed) Okay, you know what? Everybody just stop it! (to Snyder) Okay, listen to me. (to Giles) I need help, okay? Giles, I need grownups. Snyder and Giles continue trying to stare each other down. Buffy: These children are gonna die if we don't act now, okay, and think clearly. (gets Giles' attention) There is no room for mistakes. Besides which... you guys are just wigging me out. Snyder gives in and looks away. Giles gives him one last stare, and then steps back over to Joyce. Giles: Sorry. Joyce: We'll behave. The two of them hug again. Buffy: Good. (to Snyder) Snyder, go home. Snyder: I can do that. (leaves) Buffy: (turns to face Giles) Giles, we're going to the sewers. She sees him kiss her mother, and she cringes. Buffy: And don't do that! (stalks out of the room) They break off their kiss and reluctantly follow her. Cut to the sewers. The camera pans from a round storm drain tunnel into a large chamber lit by firelight from torches and candles. Mayor Wilkins is standing in the back to observe the ritual. He takes out his cell phone and dials his secretary. Trick is nearby watching the four vampires who stole the children as they chant in Latin. They are dressed in red robes, standing on the wide concrete rim of a small pool. One of them steps down with a shallow bowl of water taken from the pool and begins to anoint each of the babies with it. All but one of the babies are quiet. Trick: (to himself about Lurconis) Come on, big guy. They're not getting any fresher. The camera pans across the four babies. The Mayor's secretary finally answers her phone. Mayor Wilkins: Carol. Hi. Yeah. (looks around the sewer) Call Dave on the public works committee tomorrow about sewer maintenance and repair. I have some concerns regarding exposed gas pipes, infrastructure, ventilation. And, uh... cancel my 3:00. The last two babies are anointed. Suddenly Buffy drops down from above through a manhole. The Mayor turns his head to face her. Buffy: Hi. She moves to start her attack. Behind her Giles climbs down a few rungs of the ladder and drops down the rest of the way. The robed vampires quickly move to attack them. Mayor Wilkins makes a hasty retreat. The first vampire swings wildly at Buffy, but she ducks him, and his momentum carries him past her. She roundhouse kicks the second one and turns back to the first one and shoves him away from her. He smashes into the ladder. Turning back to the second one, Buffy delivers another roundhouse kick. The first one tries to kick her from behind, but she middle blocks him and roundhouse kicks him in the side. Giles and Joyce run over to the table with the babies and wheel it away. The Mayor makes his escape down the tunnels. The third vampire does a jumping roundhouse kick, which Buffy easily ducks. The second lunges at her, but she jumps into the air between them and lands behind them. The third one throws a punch at her, which she quickly middle blocks. The second one swings at her, and she ducks it and punches him in the face. She punches the third one in the face, does a half spin and hits the second one in the face with a backhand punch. He goes staggering backward into Trick. Buffy pulls out a stake. Giles and Joyce get the babies to a safe distance, where Giles leaves them and goes back to the fight. Trick shoves the second vampire off of him, who then goes stumbling toward Giles. Giles clumsily front snap kicks him in the face, and he goes flying right back into Trick. The first vampire tries to attack Buffy again, but she cleanly stakes him, and he bursts into ashes. She immediately takes a step to her side, back middle blocks the third one as he tries to grab her from behind and stakes him. He begins to fall to his knees and explodes into ashes. The second vampire is up again and ready to attack. Buffy side kicks him, and he flies backward onto the rim of the pool and back rolls into the water. Suddenly they all hear a deep rumbling. The vampire tries to get up out of the water. They keep listening to the rumbling as it gets louder. The vampire climbs onto a pedestal in the middle of the pool. Giles: What the hell's that? The vampire gets to his knees. Just then a huge demon snake appears through another tunnel by the water. It sees the vampire on the pedestal, engulfs him and retreats back into the tunnel. Buffy: Lurconis, I'm thinking. Trick: Ordinarily, I like other people to do my fighting for me, but I just gotta see what you got. Buffy: Just tell me when it hurts. She starts to advance on him, but Giles rushes past her and pushes her back. Buffy: Giles! No! He throws a solid left to Trick's face, but he isn't fazed. He grabs Giles by the shirt and throws him into the pool. Trick makes a dash for it. Giles starts to climb out of the water at the rim of the pool. The rumbling starts again, quicker this time. Buffy looks around frantically for a way to stop the demon. She spies a gas pipe above her, and leaps up to grab it. It breaks under her weight, and gas begins to hiss out of it. Giles is out of the water now and rolls over the rim of the pool and down to the floor. Buffy angles the gas pipe into one of the torches, and it bursts into flames. She aims it at Lurconis, and the snake demon rears back and screams in pain. Joyce watches in terror. Buffy waves the pipe around until Lurconis is engulfed in flames. She pushes the gas pipe aside as the demon retreats back into its tunnel, screaming. Above her Trick smiles down through the open manhole. Trick: You and me, girl. (Buffy spins to face him) There's hard times ahead. He gets up and makes himself scarce. Buffy: (exhales) They never just leave. Always gotta say something. Joyce comes out of the shadows and over to Buffy. Joyce: Can we go home now? Giles gets up, soaked to the skin. Buffy: Yeah, we can go home. I've got the SATs tomorrow. Joyce: Oh, blow them off. I'll write you a note. (goes back to the babies) Buffy: No. It's okay. (joins her mom) Joyce: Poor babies. Come on... Giles goes over to help as well. Cut to the Mayor's office. Trick is sitting while Mayor Wilkins paces behind him. Mayor Wilkins: And your friend? Trick: Paid him. The man did his job. No reason to burn that bridge. Mayor Wilkins: This didn't turn out the way I had planned. Trick: Where's the downside? You just got yourself one less demon you have to pay tribute to. The way I see it, I did you a favor. Mayor Wilkins: (smiles at Trick) I guess you did. He puts his hands on Trick's shoulders and leans in close to his ear. Mayor Wilkins: In the future... I'd be *very* careful how many favors you do for me. He lets go of Trick and steps away. Trick eyes him coldly. Cut to Sunnydale High the following Monday. The bell rings. Cut to the halls. Snyder comes walking along at a quick pace. Xander sees him coming. Xander: Hey, Snyder. Heard you had some fun Friday night. Have you come down yet? Behind him Cordelia smiles, but tries to hide it. Snyder: That's 'Principal Snyder'. Xander: And that's a big 'yep'. Snyder eyes Xander, Cordelia, Willow and Oz just standing there in the hall. Snyder: You look like four young people with too much time on your hands. Oz: Not really. Cordelia: Busy like a bee, actually. (smiles) Bee-like! Snyder: Good. It seems we had some vandalism Friday on school property, and I was just looking for some... volunteers to help clean it up. They all look at the bank of lockers just down the hall. Willow reads the words spray-painted in the typical lettering style of a rock band as Snyder walks through the group and closes Xander's locker. Willow: 'Kiss rocks'? Why would anyone want to kiss... (gets a look from Snyder) Oh, wait. I get it. Snyder: (nods and continues on) Let's get you some paint remover. The four of them reluctantly follow him. Cut to the front of the school. Giles and Buffy walk toward the street. Buffy: It was just too much to deal with. It was like nothing made sense anymore. The things that I thought I understood were gone. I just felt... so alone. Giles: Was that the math or the verbal? Buffy: Mostly the math. Giles: Well, if you scored low, then you can take them again. Buffy: More SATs? (sighs) Is there really a point? I could die before I even apply to college. The brakes of Joyce's Jeep squeal as she pulls to a stop at the curb. Giles and Buffy take the steps down to the sidewalk. Giles: And then, you very possibly might not. Buffy: Well, let's just keep hope alive. Joyce gets out, closes her door and walks up onto the curb. Giles: Hello. (smiles awkwardly) Joyce: (shyly) Hi. Giles: (sees the dent) I say, your car seems to have had an adventure, doesn't it? They all look at the severely dented rear door and back panel. Joyce: Uh, Buffy assures me that it happened battling evil, so I'm letting her pay for it on the installment plan. Buffy: Uh, hey, the way things were going, (points at the dent) be glad that's the worst that happened. At least I got to the two of you before you actually *did* something. She walks around to the passenger's side to get in. Giles and Joyce both look at the pavement, embarrassed and not willing even to go there, but knowing that they did. Joyce: Right. Giles: Indeed. Joyce: Y-yes. They both quickly pivot and head off in opposite directions.

Plan: A: A candy; Q: What causes Sunnydale's adults to behave like teenagers? A: Ethan Rayne; Q: Who created the candy? A: Robin Sachs; Q: Who played Ethan Rayne? A: Buffy confronts Rayne; Q: Who does Buffy confront? A: the sewers; Q: Where was the monster hiding? Summary: A candy created by Ethan Rayne ( Robin Sachs ) causes Sunnydale's adults to behave like teenagers. Buffy confronts Rayne and makes him tell her about a plan to sacrifice Sunnydale newborns to a monster in the sewers.

FRONTIER IN SPACE BY: MALCOLM HULKE 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. PLANET OF THE OGRONS. MASTER'S OPERATIONS AREA (The MASTER crosses to a desk.) MASTER: In that case, I shall have to try something else. (He picks up a small black box and switches it on. A red light on the side starts to flash and a familiar pulsing signal starts to emit.) MASTER: You may have heard this noise before, Miss Grant. It works directly on the fear centres deep in your mind! (JO'S eyes widen in fear as the signal grows stronger.) JO: It's not real! I... (Coughs.) ...it's an illusion! MASTER: Then we shall have to try a little harder, Miss Grant. JO: It's not real! (Her determination wavers as the form of the MASTER changes into that of a Drashig.) JO: It's you! It's the Master! MASTER: You cannot shut your eyes! It is impossible! (The form changes again into that of a Solonian Mutant.) MASTER: Let's try a little harder! JO: It...it...it's not real! It's an illusion! It's you! (The form changes into a Sea Devil.) JO: It...it...it's the Master! It doesn't work on me any more! It's you! It doesn't work on me any more! (Her mantra succeeds. The Sea Devil disappears and the MASTER is in its place.) JO: It doesn't work on me any more! It... (The MASTER switches off the device. As JO gasps for breath after her mental battle, the MASTER nods and once more looks at her with something approaching admiration.) MASTER: Congratulations, my dear. I seem to have failed again. JO: Yes, you do, don't you? Never mind! You can't win 'em all! MASTER: Hmm! I shall have to think about this. I'm afraid I shall have to ask you to be my guest for a little longer. (He snaps his fingers and two armed OGRONS appear.) MASTER: Show Miss Grant to her room, will you? (They grab JO and heave her away.) JO: Let me go! (The MASTER chuckles to himself. An OGRON appears from round the passageway.) FIRST OGRON: Master? MASTER: Yes, what is it? FIRST OGRON: Two raiding ships have returned. MASTER: Oh, were they successful? FIRST OGRON: They found and attacked two Earth cargo ships. MASTER: Where was this? FIRST OGRON: In Earth space. One ship resisted. (Triumphantly.) We destroyed it! MASTER: (Laughs.) Excellent! That should stir things up. It can't be long now before they declare war on each other. [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. EARTH. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE (The PRESIDENT, the DOCTOR and the DRACONIAN PRINCE watch a newscast in the PRESIDENT'S office. Displayed on the large wall monitor, it shows a close-up of a rabid middle-aged bearded speaker, dressed in a white tunic and with an American accent as he whips up an unseen crowd. He would appear to be speaking out of doors.) CONGRESSMAN BROOK: (On screen.) And I warn the President that the people of Earth will no longer tolerate these insulting and murderous attacks! I hear the cries all about me. Attack Draconia! Attack now! Earth will not produce peace at the price of humiliation! There is only one solution now! War! War! War! (As the speech ends, the crowd cheers and the PRESIDENT, her arms folded as if in fear, switches off the screen.) PRESIDENT OF EARTH: I don't know how much longer I can hold them. DRACONIAN PRINCE: You must tell that it is not the Draconians who attack you. DOCTOR: (To the PRINCE.) Your royal highness, could you convince your people they were not being attacked by Earthmen? PRESIDENT OF EARTH: (Sighs.) If only we had proof. Then I could convince my people and you could convince yours. (The door to her office hums open.) PRESIDENT OF EARTH: But there's not much time. (GENERAL WILLIAMS enters.) GENERAL WILLIAMS: Madam President, everything is ready. We shall use my personal scoutship. DOCTOR: We'd better leave at once. Madam President. (The DOCTOR bows. The PRINCE advances to her, kisses her hand and then sweeps out.) DRACONIAN PRINCE: My life at your command! GENERAL WILLIAMS: Madam President. (He follows the PRINCE.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. PLANET OF THE OGRONS. CELL AREA (JO is held in one of two barred raised cells in the Ogron base. Through the bars, an OGRON passes her a bowl of some liquid and a jug.) JO: Thanks, cheerful. (JO takes the objects and the OGRON leaves. There being nothing to sit on, JO crouches on the floor of the cell to 'enjoy' her repast. She sniffs the contents of the bowl and pulls a face. She lets the brown-looking liquid run over the spoon and decides better against eating it. Putting the bowl down, she gazes at the large spoon in thought and suddenly looks as if she has an idea. The floor of the cell seems to be bare soil, easily moveable with the spoon. Near to the bars to the next door cage, she starts to dig...) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: SPACE (GENERAL WILLIAMS' personal, one-engine scoutship moves through space.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. GENERAL WILLIAMS' SCOUTSHIP. BRIDGE (The inside of the bridge is not-too dissimilar in design to that of the other ships in this era of time. A PILOT'S seat is next to a navigator's seat on a raised, partially railed, platform. Each seat has a control bank with a monitor screen but this ship has a large observation window between the two which looks out onto space. The DOCTOR sits in the navigator's seat, next to the PILOT, making calculations while the PRINCE and GENERAL WILLIAMS wait.) DOCTOR: Right, thirty-four seconds... A course correction to galactic coordinates two, three, four, nine...six, seven, eight, four. GENERAL WILLIAMS: You realise where that will take us? A completely uninhabited sector of the galaxy. DOCTOR: Well, not completely uninhabited, General Williams. That's where the Ogron's planet is. GENERAL WILLIAMS: (Surly.) No doubt your information is better than mine. May I ask where you obtained it? DOCTOR: Certainly - from the Master. He fed the co-ordinates into his ship's computer when I was his prisoner. (To the PRINCE.) And after you'd captured the ship, sir, I extracted the information from the ship's memory banks. GENERAL WILLIAMS: We're simply wasting time... (They are suddenly rocked by a huge explosion. The ship steadies and a Draconian battlecruiser can be seen on one of the monitors.) GENERAL WILLIAMS: Dragons! DRACONIAN PRINCE: Let me talk to them - I shall explain! (Another missile explodes nearby.) DOCTOR: Somehow I don't think they're in the mood for explanations at this minute. Can you outrun them? GENERAL WILLIAMS: This ship can outrun anything. (To the PILOT.) Hyperdrive. (A third missile rocks the cabin, momentarily dimming the lights.) GENERAL WILLIAMS: Engage hyperdrive! [SCENE_BREAK] 6: SPACE (The little scoutship's speed picks up to an impossible level.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. GENERAL WILLIAMS' SCOUTSHIP. BRIDGE DOCTOR: Right, we're out of range now. GENERAL WILLIAMS: Reduce speed, return to course. DRACONIAN PRINCE: (Haltingly.) I...regret the behaviour of my people. The officer will be punished. DOCTOR: Well, we were infringing Draconian space, after all, your royal highness. (He returns to his clipboard of calculations as the PRINCE bows his head.) PILOT OF SPACE SHIP: General Williams? GENERAL WILLIAMS: Yes? PILOT OF SPACE SHIP: I can't get her back on course, sir. One of the drive-alphas is malfunctioning. (As if to confirm that a problem exists, the little ship rocks suddenly.) DOCTOR: Do you know exactly what's wrong? PILOT OF SPACE SHIP: Er, there's damage to exterior electrical circuit. GENERAL WILLIAMS: Can't you repair it? PILOT OF SPACE SHIP: It'll mean going outside, sir. GENERAL WILLIAMS: Put the ship on automatic and get out there. PILOT OF SPACE SHIP: No good, sir. I've got to control it manually. (The DOCTOR puts down his clipboard.) DOCTOR: Right, well you hold her steady. I'll go and effect the repairs. (He starts to make for the airlock. GENERAL WILLIAMS stops him with a leer.) GENERAL WILLIAMS: No doubt you're a qualified space engineer too, Doctor? DOCTOR: Naturally. (He carries on, leaving an unhappy GENERAL WILLIAMS behind.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: SPACE (Protected in an orange space suit, the DOCTOR moves down the side of the hull, this time secured by a wire to the ship. He moves along to a hatch next to which is written: DANGER EXTERIOR ELECTRICAL CIRCUIT (He opens it with a locking key. The hatch slides open revealing burnt circuitry beneath.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. GENERAL WILLIAMS' SCOUTSHIP. BRIDGE (GENERAL WILLIAMS sits in the navigator's chair with a radio microphone in his hands.) GENERAL WILLIAMS: (Into microphone.) How's it going, Doctor? DOCTOR: (OOV: Over radio.) A bit of a shambles, I'm afraid. Though I'll do my best to bodge something up. DRACONIAN PRINCE: Look! (The PRINCE points to a monitor screen. The relentless Draconian Battlecruiser appears on it.) GENERAL WILLIAMS: It's coming up fast. Look as if your friends are catching up with us. PILOT OF SPACE SHIP: Once they're in range, they'll fire again. GENERAL WILLIAMS: (Into microphone.) Er, Doctor, there's a ship approaching. [SCENE_BREAK] 10: SPACE (The DOCTOR continues his repairs.) GENERAL WILLIAMS: (OOV: Over radio.) We think it's the Draconians. How long will you be? DOCTOR: (Into radio.) I've no idea, old chap. (Nearby, the Draconian battlecruiser turns to face the scoutship...) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. GENERAL WILLIAMS' SCOUTSHIP. BRIDGE GENERAL WILLIAMS: Stand by for hyper-drive. PILOT OF SPACE SHIP: I can't sir. The Doctor's had to disconnect the main circuitry to make the repair. I can't boost the speed until he's finished. DRACONIAN PRINCE: If my people fire, he will be killed! Let me speak to him! GENERAL WILLIAMS: Do you think they'll wait to talk? (Into radio.) The Draconians are coming up fast, Doctor. If you don't get that repair finished, we'll be a sitting target. [SCENE_BREAK] 12: SPACE (The DOCTOR calmly continues his repair.) DOCTOR: (Into radio.) I know. I'm on the outside. (He inserts the locking handle and starts to turn it.) GENERAL WILLIAMS: (OOV: Over radio.) It's getting very close. DOCTOR: (Into radio.) I'm being as quick as I can. (The Draconian ship nears...) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. GENERAL WILLIAMS' SCOUTSHIP. BRIDGE PILOT OF SPACE SHIP: He's done it! DOCTOR: (OOV: Over radio.) Right, I'm coming in now. GENERAL WILLIAMS: Right, stand by. [SCENE_BREAK] 14: SPACE (The DOCTOR climbs up onto the top of the ship. He enters the rooftop hatch and closes it after him. The Draconian battlecruiser fires...) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. GENERAL WILLIAMS' SCOUTSHIP. BRIDGE (The cabin is rocked by the shot.) GENERAL WILLIAMS: Maximum hyperdrive! [SCENE_BREAK] 16: SPACE (Again, the little craft shoots forward at an incredible speed...) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. PLANET OF THE OGRONS. CELL AREA (JO has dug enough space beneath the bars of the cage to enable her to squeeze herself through into the next door cage which has an open door. She quietly slips out. An OGRON walks past nearby in the shadows. She presses herself against the bars of the cage until it has gone.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. PLANET OF THE OGRONS. PASSAGE (The OGRON moves to a strange sort of altar in a niche in which has been painted a primitive picture of a large bug-eyed reptile creature that resembles a fat snail. Beneath this burns a candle. The OGRON puts down an offering and bows. It does not see that JO has crept up behind him and is pressed up in the darkness against a wall. The OGRON moves off. JO quickly inspects the altar and then follows the OGRON.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: SPACE (The scoutship hovers over the planet of the OGRONS.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. GENERAL WILLIAMS' SCOUTSHIP. BRIDGE (The DOCTOR, still in his orange space-suit, looks at it on the monitor.) DOCTOR: Pilot, can you get her into a closer orbit? PILOT OF SPACE SHIP: If you want me to take her in that close, sir, we may have to enter the atmosphere. What about that repair - will it stand the heat? DOCTOR: Well, we'll just have to risk it. We can't see anything from up here. [SCENE_BREAK] 21: SPACE (The scoutship moves in closer to the planet. Smoke is coming from the hatch within which the DOCTOR effected his repairs.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. PLANET OF THE OGRONS. MASTER'S OPERATIONS AREA (JO has reached the MASTER'S control area. She quickly finds the hypnotic box and secrets it in her dress. She also holds a small card she has found with their coordinates on. Making sure that she can see no one, she crosses to what looks like a radio set and picks up the microphone. She then presses several switches until she gets a signal. She makes adjustments and then speaks into the radio.) JO: (Into radio.) Mayday, mayday, this is an urgent message for both Draconian and Earth forces. The Ogrons are using a planet - galactic co-ordinates two, three, four, nine to six, seven, eight, four... [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. GENERAL WILLIAMS' SCOUTSHIP. BRIDGE (Her message comes through to the scoutship but in a great deal of static.) JO: (OOV: Over radio.) ...as a base for their attacks on both Earth and Draconian spaceships. Please inform... PILOT OF SPACE SHIP: We're losing the signal. JO: (OOV: Over radio.) ...the authorities. DOCTOR: Can you boost it up? JO: (OOV: Over radio.) I repeat... (JO'S voice can only be heard faintly and the amount of static increases until it drowns her out.) PILOT OF SPACE SHIP: I'm sorry, sir. We're nearly over the horizon. GENERAL WILLIAMS: Did you get a fix on it? PILOT OF SPACE SHIP: Pretty close. I can put us down on a general area. GENERAL WILLIAMS: How long will it take us to complete the orbit? PILOT OF SPACE SHIP: About twenty minutes. GENERAL WILLIAMS: Increase speed. [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. PLANET OF THE OGRONS. MASTER'S OPERATIONS AREA JO: (Into radio.) Please inform the authorities of either Earth or Draconia. I repeat: Mayday, mayday, this is a m... (The MASTER steps up behind her and quietly takes both the microphone and the card. He is accompanied by several OGRONS. He switches off the radio.) MASTER: Thank you, Miss Grant. That was the trap. JO: Oh, no. You're the one who's trapped. I've just given your entire position away! MASTER: Yes. I left those galactic coordinates for you to find. JO: You mean they were fakes? MASTER: Oh, no, no, no. They were genuine enough. But this is, er, a short-range transmitter. So no one will have picked up your message more than...two or three hundred miles from this planet. JO: (Sadly.) Nobody heard me. MASTER: On the contrary, the Doctor heard you. Yes, at this moment, he's orbiting the planet in a small spaceship. I picked him up on radar a little while ago. JO: How do you know it was the Doctor? MASTER: My dear Miss Grant, who else could it be? You see, when the Doctor arrives, we'll be waiting for him. So you have been useful to me after all. (He laughs.) MASTER: But, erm, just in case the Doctor should get lost... (He switches on the homing signal device with which he previously summoned the OGRONS.) MASTER: There. Now he'll think that this homing signal comes from you, Miss Grant. (Softly.) By the way, congratulations - I knew I could count on you to get out of your cage. (To an OGRON.) Right, take her away. (The OGRONS grab her and pull her back to the cage area.) MASTER: And this time, make sure that she's properly under guard. JO: No...no...no! (The MASTER laughs to himself.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: SPACE (Smoke is now liberally pouring out of the hatch.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. GENERAL WILLIAMS' SCOUTSHIP. BRIDGE GENERAL WILLIAMS: (To the PILOT.) How much longer? PILOT OF SPACE SHIP: Two seconds to go. (GENERAL WILLIAMS checks his own controls.) GENERAL WILLIAMS: We're overheating badly. PILOT OF SPACE SHIP: Yes, I know. This is it. We should pick her up again now. (The homing signal starts to come through.) DRACONIAN PRINCE: What is that signal? DOCTOR: Jo must have fixed up some kind of homing device. GENERAL WILLIAMS: Splendid! That'll lead us right to them. DOCTOR: Doesn't it strike you as being a bit too convenient? GENERAL WILLIAMS: Mmm. [SCENE_BREAK] 27: SPACE (Not just smoke, but now flame is coming from the hatch.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. GENERAL WILLIAMS' SCOUTSHIP. BRIDGE PILOT OF SPACE SHIP: The drive-alpha circuit's gone again! (The ship suddenly rocks.) DOCTOR: Can you get her down? PILOT OF SPACE SHIP: Yes. But I'm not sure where. [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. PLANET OF THE OGRONS. MASTER'S OPERATIONS AREA (The MASTER sits over a star chart as the homing signal pulses away. It also appears as a blink on a monitor showing a space. Several OGRONS hover over him.) MASTER: Yes, they should be here very soon now. Judging by the size of the ship, they can't be in any great force. So conceal yourselves and ambush them as soon as they arrive - right? (The OGRONS are about to move off but the signal suddenly cuts out and the light on the monitor stops flashing.) MASTER: Hold on, wait a minute. Something's happened. They must have landed very nearby. Right, send out patrols! Get them and bring them back here immediately. And remember - I want the Doctor alive. OGRONS: Yes, Master. [SCENE_BREAK] 30: EXT. PLANET OF THE OGRONS (The wind howls across the bleak planet of the OGRONS. The party from the scoutship appears over a ridge - the DOCTOR - now out of his spacesuit - the PRINCE, GENERAL WILLIAMS and four armed soldiers. The DOCTOR takes a small detector out of his pocket and sweeps it round trying to get a reading. Finally getting something, the DOCTOR speaks to his colleagues and they move off down the spine of the ridge.) [SCENE_BREAK] 31: EXT. PLANET OF THE OGRONS. VALLEY (The exploration party have reached a base of a shallow valley. There are footprints in the mud of the valley.) DOCTOR: Williams? (GENERAL WILLIAMS turns and sees that the DOCTOR is pointing at another track. He then spots one more.) DOCTOR: Another one. (They move on.) GENERAL WILLIAMS: One dominant lifeform - a large and savage reptile. DOCTOR: Yes, well let's hope we don't encounter one. GENERAL WILLIAMS: Doctor, has it occurred to you what we're going to do when we discover the source of this signal? DOCTOR: I've no idea, old chap. We'll find out when we get there. Come on, can't be far. (They carry on. After they have gone, an OGRON scout rises from concealment behind them and watches them go. The party has almost climbed out of the valley when an OGRON appears from behind them.) OGRON: Drop! Surrender! (One of the Earth soldiers turns and raises his weapon. He is quickly shot down.) GENERAL WILLIAMS: Take cover! (The remainder all dive behind rocks but the OGRONS have surrounded them on all sides. A pitched battle takes place between the two parties with only the DOCTOR not firing a weapon. Another of the Earth soldiers is a casualty and so are several OGRONS when the fight comes to a sudden end - high above them, on the rocks, is the personification of the reptilian creature that JO saw pictured on the altar. The OGRONS immediately flee down the hillside in a panic.) GENERAL WILLIAMS: What's that?! DOCTOR: I've no idea, but whatever it is, it's on our side. [SCENE_BREAK] 32: INT. PLANET OF THE OGRONS. MASTER'S OPERATIONS AREA (The MASTER is speaking into his microphone to an unknown party...) MASTER: (Into microphone.) Yes, I await your arrival with the greatest of pleasure. And I shall be there to meet you the moment that your ship touches down. (He switches off the radio set. The moaning, frightened OGRONS run into the area. The MASTER faces them down.) MASTER: Well, where's the Doctor? FIRST OGRON: The monster came! OGRONS: Monster...monster! MASTER: The monster? And I suppose you all ran like rabbits?! FIRST OGRON: We fear the monster! (The MASTER punches the huge OGRON.) MASTER: (Shouts.) You stupid cowardly idiots! You will answer to your masters for this! FIRST OGRON: What? They are coming?! MASTER: Yes, they are coming! Which means that dispense with your doubtful ... ! (The OGRON'S cries of panic drown out the MASTER.) MASTER: Out of my way! (He pushes through the group to leave the area. The OGRONS themselves run off in fear.) [SCENE_BREAK] 33: EXT. PLANET OF THE OGRONS (The DOCTOR tries his tracking device again. It picks up a signal as he directs it.) DOCTOR: That's good. It's started again. Come on. (They are about to move off but see something over the horizon.) DRACONIAN PRINCE: A ship! (They all hold up their hands in protection as best they can against the dust that the landing ship whirls up.) DRACONIAN PRINCE: Somebody else seems to have received the message! (The ship lands and the dust dies down. They move off) [SCENE_BREAK] 34: EXT. PLANET OF THE OGRONS. VALLEY (The party reaches an area with several grey pools of liquid. The DOCTOR halts and looks round with a look of concern on his face. GENERAL WILLIAMS sees this and comes back.) GENERAL WILLIAMS: What is it? DOCTOR: I don't know. (He looks round at the empty silent ridges high above them.) DOCTOR: I've got a feeling. Some sort of premonition. GENERAL WILLIAMS: Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes, come on. (They move on, but high on a ridge, the silhouetted figure of the MASTER appears.) MASTER: Hello, Doctor! (The party swings round at the sound of the voice.) MASTER: So here you are at last, eh? GENERAL WILLIAMS: Surrender or you'll be shot down! DOCTOR: No, he's unarmed. MASTER: Unarmed maybe, but not unaccompanied. I've brought some old friends along to meet you. (He laughs and gestures to one side and several familiar shapes glide forward - DALEKS! All of them have their weapons trained on the party below.) MASTER: Quite a touching little reunion. You don't seem very pleased? GENERAL WILLIAMS: (To the soldiers.) Fire! (Before the two soldiers can fire, the DALEKS exterminate them. They fall to the ground which explodes around them.) DOCTOR: No! No, don't. It's no good. (GENERAL WILLIAMS lowers his own weapon as the MASTER laughs in triumph.) [SCENE_BREAK] 35: INT. PLANET OF THE OGRONS. MASTER'S OPERATIONS AREA (The MASTER leads the party into his control area. There, a gold CHIEF DALEK awaits with two other gun-metal DALEKS.) CHIEF DALEK: Doctor, you are in our power and you will be exterminated. MASTER: No, not yet. CHIEF DALEK: (Angrily.) You will obey the Daleks! MASTER: You know as well as I do that this man does not fear death. I want him to suffer a much worse punishment. Look, my skill and cunning has brought about this war which will make you the masters of the galaxy. Leave the Doctor with me, and let him see the...result of that war. Let him see the galaxy in ruins. Let him see the planet Earth, that he loves so much, in ruins - then exterminate him. CHIEF DALEK: Very well. He will remain your prisoner until the war is concluded. Then you will bring him to us and we shall exterminate him. We shall now return to our base and prepare the army of the Daleks. (The three DALEKS turn and glide off. The DOCTOR turns to the MASTER.) DOCTOR: Oh, I suppose I should thank you for saving my life? MASTER: Not for long, Doctor. It's going to be a very short war. Right, take them away. (The OGRONS take them off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 36: INT. PLANET OF THE OGRONS. CELL AREA (JO sits on the floor of her cage. She sees the DOCTOR and his two companions being led in. The DOCTOR is put in the same cage as her. She runs forward and hugs him.) JO: Hello, Doctor. DOCTOR: Hello, Jo. (She sees GENERAL WILLIAMS and the PRINCE being put into the cage next to them.) JO: Oh, so now they've got all of us. GENERAL WILLIAMS: All except the pilot. He's repairing the ship. DRACONIAN PRINCE: (To the DOCTOR.) Why do these...Dalek creatures wish to set your people and mine at war? DOCTOR: Because war will mean the extermination of both empires, your royal highness, and the Daleks will emerge as the supreme rulers. Now somehow, we've got to get out of here and stop them. JO: (Quietly.) Doctor! Doctor, will the Master's little fear-box help? (She takes the hidden box out and passes it to the DOCTOR.) DOCTOR: Well done, Jo! JO: You see, we could use it to frighten the Ogrons away and then we can all escape. GENERAL WILLIAMS: Well, that's not impractical, Miss Grant. They'd just run off and we'd still be locked in. JO: Oh... DOCTOR: There is one thing we can do, though, and it'll need a very slight adjustment. (The DOCTOR takes a small tiepin out of his shirt and starts tinkering with the box.) [SCENE_BREAK] 37: INT. PLANET OF THE OGRONS. MASTER'S OPERATIONS AREA (The MASTER speaks into his radio.) MASTER: (Into radio.) There's nothing to worry about. The Doctor will be perfectly safe in my hands. I promise you - when I deliver him to you, he'll be a broken man. CHIEF DALEK: (OOV: Over radio.) Do not fail the Daleks. MASTER: (Into radio.) The war is certain now. And once the great empires destroy each other, I ask but one thing - let me rule the planet Earth in your name. [SCENE_BREAK] 38: INT. PLANET OF THE OGRONS. CELL AREA (The DOCTOR continues to adjust the box.) DOCTOR: General Williams, if we do manage to get out of here, and Jo and I manage to create a diversion, could you find your way back to your spaceship? GENERAL WILLIAMS: Certainly. DOCTOR: Good. Right, that should do it. Now I want you to take off immediately. Get the truth back to your respective governments. DRACONIAN PRINCE: Yes. DOCTOR: Tell them that they must mount a joint expedition and capture this base at once. DRACONIAN PRINCE: I shall stay and help. DOCTOR: No, we'll need you to convince the Emperor, your royal highness. GENERAL WILLIAMS: What about you and Miss Grant - how will you get away? DOCTOR: Jo, I presume that the TARDIS is still here? JO: Yes, I know where it is. DOCTOR: (To GENERAL WILLIAMS.) Well, don't worry about us. Our spaceship is here. GENERAL WILLIAMS: That's all very well, Doctor, but we still happen to be locked in. DOCTOR: Yes, well, would you mind blocking your ears and...covering your eyes just for a moment? DRACONIAN PRINCE: I do not understand? DOCTOR: No, but I...I think you will in a moment. Just do as I ask, would you? You too, Jo. JO: Oh no, it's alright. I can resist it. DOCTOR: Can you? JO: Yes. DOCTOR: Good. (The DOCTOR turns to the bars. Beyond them stands an OGRON on guard. He calls out to it.) DOCTOR: Er, how much longer are you gonna keep us locked in here? (The OGRON turns and looks at him.) DOCTOR: Yes, I'm talking to you. (The DOCTOR presses the switch on the box and the signal starts up. In the OGRON'S eyes, he immediately starts to change into the CHIEF DALEK. The "DALEK" even speaks in a combination of a normal DALEK voice and the DOCTOR'S own distinctive tone.) DOCTOR: Open the gate. Open the gate. (The OGRON, its eyes wide open in terror, stumbles forward with the key in its hand and unlocks the gate.) DOCTOR: Open the gate or I will exterminate you. (The OGRON then runs off as fast as it can, leaving the key in the gate. The DOCTOR switches the device off and leaves the cage. He then unlocks the second cage and taps the two occupants who still stand with their eyes closed and their hands over their ears.) DOCTOR: Right. (The DOCTOR runs out of their cage and they follow.) JO: Come with me. Follow me. (They all set off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 39: INT. PLANET OF THE OGRONS. MASTER'S OPERATIONS AREA (The MASTER is again in touch with the DALEKS via radio.) CHIEF DALEK: (OOV: Over radio.) We are about to enter hyperdrive and return to our base. Do not fail the Daleks. (The MASTER switches the radio off.) MASTER: Right, we'll see who rules the galaxy when this is over. Do not fail the Daleks, indeed! You stupid tin boxes! (The OGRON from the cell area runs in, gibbering with fear.) MASTER: Why aren't you guarding the prisoners? SECOND OGRON: The Daleks sent me away! MASTER: There are no Daleks! The Daleks have all left the planet! SECOND OGRON: The Dalek said to open the cell! MASTER: Did he now? Fetch the others! I want them here immediately! (The OGRON runs off and the MASTER darts to one side and down a passage.) [SCENE_BREAK] 40: INT. PLANET OF THE OGRONS. PASSAGE (The escapees have reached the primitive altar.) JO: Doctor, look at this. DOCTOR: Well, that's fascinating. JO: Is it some sort of idol? I saw one of the Ogrons worshipping it. DOCTOR: Yes, I'm not surprised. We've seen the real thing, haven't we? They're probably more frightened of him than they are of the Daleks. JO: Right, come on. This way. (They carry on.) [SCENE_BREAK] 41: INT. PLANET OF THE OGRONS. MASTER'S OPERATIONS AREA (They reach the control area. JO points down one of the passageways.) JO: Right, you can get out this way. Good luck. GENERAL WILLIAMS: And you Miss Grant, Doctor. (They shake hands.) DOCTOR: General Williams. GENERAL WILLIAMS: Farewell. (The PRINCE kisses JO'S hand...) JO: Good luck. (...and shakes the DOCTOR'S.) DOCTOR: Your royal highness. DRACONIAN PRINCE: My life at your command. (He follows GENERAL WILLIAMS out.) JO: The TARDIS is over there. (The DOCTOR and JO head towards the police box but suddenly the MASTER steps out of the shadows, a gun in his hands. Several OGRONS surround them.) MASTER: Going somewhere, Doctor? DOCTOR: You know, you really are incredibly persistent, aren't you? (The MASTER looks at the hypnotic box in the DOCTOR'S hands.) MASTER: That is my property, I believe. DOCTOR: Oh yes, yes, a most ingenious device. I congratulate you. (He switches it on. Immediately panic reigns among the OGRONS as they scream and panic.) OGRONS: The monster! (The MASTER raises his gun and fires as the OGRONS start to flee, taking him with them. The DOCTOR clutches his head and falls to the ground in front of a shocked JO. He feebly feels his forehead. There is a mark where the shot hit. He seems to fall unconscious as the last OGRONS run out of the area, but again starts to stir slightly.) JO: Oh, Doctor, I thought you were dead? DOCTOR: (Weakly.) Help me... (He tries to clamber up.) JO: Yes...here... (With JO'S help he gets to his feet and falls back against the wall next to the TARDIS.) DOCTOR: (Weakly.) Help me into the TARDIS, Jo... JO: Okay. (She pushes the door open...) [SCENE_BREAK] 42: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (...and they enter, the DOCTOR leaning on JO for support.) DOCTOR: (Weakly.) Alright, Jo. JO: Careful. (The DOCTOR staggers to the console, watched by a concerned JO. He closes the doors and stumbles round the edge of the console.) DOCTOR: The first thing we've got to do is...get out of here. (He pulls the main switch and the TARDIS starts to dematerialise. He stumbles to another panel, holding onto the console for support watched by JO. He puts out his hands and places them on two round discs on the console. Immediately a sound like speeded-up signals is faintly heard. The DOCTOR stands with his eyes closed and desperately trying to concentrate as the message continues...) JO: Doctor, what are you doing? DOCTOR: Tele...telepathic circuits...sending a message to the Time Lords... [SCENE_BREAK] 42: VORTEX (The TARDIS spins off into vortex and in pursuit...)

Plan: A: the Ogrons' planet; Q: Where do the Doctor, Williams and the Draconian Prince head to find evidence of the Master's actions? A: the Master; Q: Who tricks Jo into leading them into a trap? Summary: The Doctor, Williams and the Draconian Prince head to the Ogrons' planet to find evidence of the Master's actions but the Master tricks Jo into leading them into a trap.

Ted from 2030: Kids, in the fall of 2010, it seemed like Aunt Lily could only talk about one thing: babies. The Bar Robin: Oh, God, I have been craving this burger all day. Lily: Do you know what plays a huge role in helping a woman conceive? Cervical mucus. (Robin drops her burger) (Lily and Robin are watching a movie) Robin: Oh, my God, I can't wait to see this movie. I hear it's really scary. Lily: Oh, change of plans. I thought violent images wouldn't be good for my future fetus, so instead, I rented this video of a live water birth. (Lily and Robin are in the Kitchen) Robin: They don't know what it is. It just showed up on my mom's X-ray. Lily: Look at this crib. Ted from 2030: But all in all, it wasn't a problem. That is, until the night of Barney's boutonniere. The Bar Marshall: Oh, you're wearing a flower. Barney: Thank you. Marshall: Ah, didn't compliment. Just observed. Barney: I know. Isn't it? Robin: Why are you wearing that? Ted: Why does Barney do anything ever? Barney: Exactly. Science. There is an 83% correlation between the times men wear boutonnieres and the times they get laid. Think about it. Proms, weddings. Grandmas' funerals. Thanks for the redhead, Nana. The "everyday boutonniere" by Stinson. Robin: And nope. I'm sorry, Barney, but no girl is going home with a guy with a flower on his chest. Unless he's a clown, and she's in the trunk of his car. Marshall: Along with 50 other clowns. It's a clown car. Oh. Barney: Robin, did you know that boutonniere is French for "bootie is near?" True story. Une histoire vraie. Robin: Hmm! Did you know that Barney is French for "sad little guy who works way too hard to get laid"" Barney: Woman, you best check yourself. Robin: Yeah, on the bright side, I guess suits are pretty boring without them, so... Barney: Madam... that is an insult that cannot be borne! I demand satisfaction! Robin: What, are we gonna duel? Barney: No. I'm going to show everyone this embarrassing video of you. It's Robin Sparkles III, y'all! [OPENING CREDITS] Ted from 2030: Kids, by this point, we knew Aunt Robin had been a teen pop sensation in Canada, known as Robin Sparkles. And we also knew that her Robin Sparkles character came from a Canadian TV show, which we'd never seen... until now. Ted's appartment Barney: I cannot wait to see what's on this DVD! Marshall: Oh, you haven't watched it yet? Barney: No, of course not. I wanted my first time to be with someone I cared about. Marshall: Sweet! I get that a lot. Well, once. Lily: Hey, Robin, do you want to go get a Korean massage on Saturday? Robin: Oh, I'd love to. I've got this knot in my neck that's so annoying. Lily: Yeah, I figured I should get one now because once I get pregnant, no more massages. Just so annoying. (Barney plays the dvd) Barney: Space Teens?! Is this a porno? Robin: No, no. Dude, dude. Sweet! It's a kids' show. Ted: I don't know. This does have all the earmarks of p0rn. Stripper pole, bad lighting, delusional girl who thinks it's a stepping stone to mainstream success. Barney: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a big old bowl of pornflakes. Whoa! And who is this exquisite keytarist I assum you're about to make sweet love to? Robin: Oh, that's Jessica Glitter. She was my BFF on the show and in real life. Barney: Ah, BFFs. Did you guys have sleepovers? Get mad at each other and wrestle, but then end up kissing in a tender embrace? Here, show us on Lily. Robin: Barney, you know what? If you're going to be disgusting, we're not watching this, okay? Lily: Yeah. Come on, Barney. It's just a cute little story about... What exactly is this about? Robin: Oh, two average Canadian teenagers who solve crimes in space using math. Marshall: That sounds ridiculous. Robin Sparkles: So sue me. Like the producers of Milky Way Mathletes tried to. Jessica Glitter: Great job using long division to catch that space burglar, eh? Robin Sparkles: Well, what can I say? He'll be in galactic jail for the remainder of his life. Robot: Sparkles, Glitter, we're about to enter an asteroid belt, eh. Robin Sparkles: Brace for turbulence! Lily: Oh. Oh. I have to say, as much as I hate to agree with Barney, this does seem to be a veritable pornucopia. Robin: Okay, guys, come on. It's a kids' show! Like Electric Company or Sesame Street or, um... Marshall: You can't do that on television. Robin: Exactly. Marshall: No. You can't do that on television! Ted: Robin, this show is so dirty, I don't know whether to hug you or run a shower for you so you can sit there alone, crying and clenching your knees. Robin: It's just bad camera work, okay? Wayne, our camera guy... he wasn't that great. Marshall: I don't know. I think he did a pretty good job, considering he was probably only using one hand. Robin: You know what? I feel bad for you Americans, that you can look at this wondrous and educational adventure through space, and see something obscene. Can you just please try to look at this with the innocence of a child? Man: Coming up. Here we go. Girls, if you want to get through the asteroid belt, you've got to use multiplication. To the joystick! Okay, Space Teens, let's multiply! Five times six? Robin Sparkles: Oh. 30. Man: Yes! Oh! Seven times four? Jessica Glitter: 28! Man: Keep going! Eight times nine? Jessica Glitter: 72! Man: Don't stop now! Almost there! 23 times three? (Barney stops the dvd) Barney: I'm sorry. We got to ration this. It's like we're on a desert island, and this video is a really hot, naked chick, and she's got, like, seaweed on her and a seashell bra. You all feel me? Lily: Hey, if you and Jessica are BFFs, how come we've never met her? Robin: Okay, well, it was a long time ago, okay? I get a Christmas card from her every year, but we're not really friends anymore. Lily: But BFFs are forever. Marshall: Oh, come on, Lily. Nobody stays friends with their high school friends. Ted: I'm still friends with Punchy. Marshall: Dude, he lives in Cleveland. You see him once a year, at which point, he punches you really hard in the arm and tells everyone how you dookied your pants. I know, on paper he sounds great, but you guys aren't really friends. Ted: Look, I may not see him a lot, but it doesn't matter. Observe. (Ted makes a phone call) Punchy: Schmosby! Ted: Punchy! Punchy: Hey, good talking to you, Ted. Ted: Yeah, you, too. If you're ever in New York. Punchy: Definitely. (the call ends) Ted: We are just two peas. Lily: I don't get it. How can you and Glitter just stop being friends? Best friends don't do that. Robin: Well, we did, okay? And I haven't talked to her in, like, five years, so just drop it. I got to go. Lily: Whoa. What do you think came between Robin and Jessica? Ted: Much like our friends, the Space Teens, I think I can solve this crime with math. Okay... Okay, here is a Christmas card that Jessica sent Robin. Lily, how old would you say that kid is? Lily: Four years, three months. Ted: Which means Jessica got pregnant five years ago. Right around the time she and Robin stopped being friends. Marshall: Of course. Robin hates kids. Barney: The last thing she would want to do is hang out with some little brat. Ted: Thus, if I may... When Glitter's womb a fruit did bear, Robin said, "To hell with this, I'm outta hare. Glitter got pregnant, so Robin dumped her. Marshall: That's got to be it, right, Lil? Lil? Lily: Robin's gonna dump me! Marshall: Oh, sweetheart. Ted: When a second uterus plumped becomes... Marshall: Dude. Feel the room. Ted's appartment Robin: No. Ted: We've been waiting all day! Robin: Just watch it without me. Barney: Two dudes on the couch together watching p0rn? That's kind of weird. Robin: Okay, it's not p0rn, it's a kids' show. Ted: Two dudes watching a kids' show might be worse. Robin: Okay, fine, I'll watch it with you. Yeah! But if either of you makes even one peep about the show being dirty, I'm turning it off. Barney: We... Robin: I'm serious. Robin Sparkles: Hey Jessica, how's your beaver? (Ted and Barney spill their beer) Jessica Glitter: Great. How's your beaver? Robin Sparkles: Busy as ever! Robin: Our characters had pet beavers. Ted: Sure. Robin: The beaver is the official animal of Canada. It's our national mascot. Barney: It's a noble creature. Man: Okay, girls. Everyone knows a beaver's favorite food is wood. I just hope we brought along enough of it for our three-day galactic space journey. So let's do the math. If Robin's beaver devours six inches of wood every half hour, and Jessica's beaver devours eight inches of wood every 45 minutes, how much wood will I need to keep both of these beavers well-fed all weekend long? While you figure it out at home, how about we sing you a song about our beavers? (Ted and Barney starts laughing) Robin: Hey! No! You don't get to hear the beaver song! It is a sweet song about friendship, and you guys are being disgusting, and beavers are adorable! Barney: No arguments here. (Someone is knocking at the door; Ted opens it) Punchy: 'Sup Shmosby! Ted: Punchy, what are you doing here? Punchy: Well, yesterday you said if I was ever in New York. 'Sup, turds? Ted: Okay, uh, uh, where are you staying? Punchy:In your mom's pants. Trick. She's old. Hey, don't worry about me. I'm cool on the couch. Robin: Whoa. He's staying here? You're staying here? Punchy: I know! It's so good, right? Feel like you're dreaming? But check your totem, brah. Punchy's here in the flesh. So, why don't we get one of these, Ted? Yeah. Remember these? High school? Junior high? Yeah. Elementary school? Remember those? Look, look, Punchy's here. [SCENE_BREAK] The Bar Punchy: Hey, Schmosby, remember when you dookied in your pants down by the lake? Unbelievable! (Punchy stands up and goes away) Robin: Hey, Schmosby, remember when you dookied on our couch in the form of your idiot high school friend? Unbelievable! Ted: Come on. I worry about the guy. He's had the same dead-end job at a car rental place for 15 years. Robin: Don't care. Ted: He's been stuck in Cleveland his whole life. Robin: Get a hotel. Ted: Robin... LeBron. Robin: Okay, one night. Got to go. (Marshall and Lily comes in) Lily: Where are you going? We just got here. Robin: Oh, a Korean massage. Lily: By yourself? Robin: Well, I figured you'd be busy, reading What to Expect When You're Expecting to Expect. Lily: Guys, did you see that? She's going to a Korean massage without me. That's our thing. I'm telling you, she's gonna dump me, just like she dumped Glitter. Marshall: Lily, come on. We don't even know that's what happened. Ted: Um, hello, somebody already solved that crime using math, remember? Marshall: Look, Lily. Robin is clearly getting tired of you constantly talking about babies. Lily: I don't. Marshall: Lily, how old am I? Lily: 384 months. Punchy: Busted! Marshall: Okay. So before you Lily all over the place, maybe you should try hanging out with Robin and not talking about babies. Ted from 2030: So Lily did just that. She tried not to talk about babies. Robin: Hey, Lily, what brings you to the crib? Lily: Crib... Robin: What's the matter? You look rattled. Lily: Rattled? I want to talk about babies. Robin: What? Lily: Look, I know you don't care about this stuff, but I'm about to become a mother. And as a future mother, I'm gonna need the support... Robin: Oh, my God! You're not even pregnant yet. Lily: What's that supposed to mean? Robin: It means that a fertilized egg has not yet attached itself to the lining of your uterine wall. You see? I read your Facebook updates. God, it's like it's all you ever talk about, Lily, and I'm sick of it! Lily: Well, guess what? I've got some good news. When that baby comes, you don't have to see it. In fact, you don't have to see me. This whole friendship thing? Done. Robin: Great. Lily: Great. (Robin opens the appartment's entry door, Lily goes out) Marshall's and Lily's bedroom Marshall: For crying out loud. You broke up with Robin? Lily: I had to. We were growing apart, and we're better off without each other. Marshall: Okay, Lily, you sound about as convincing as you did the time you "accidentally" shredded my Joey Buttafuoco pants. Lily: No! Marshall: Get on the phone, call Robin and fix this. Lily: I can't. The damage is done. Can you just hold me? Marshall: You know what? No. I don't agree with what you did, and so I refuse to comfort you, despite how adorable you are when you cry. Lily: Okay. Marshall: Okay. Maybe just one cuddle, but then that is it. The Bar Punchy: Times Square's the bomb! I got so many great pictures of all the billboards. Ted: Yeah. You know, there's more to New York than Times Square. There's the Village, the Lower East Side, Central Park... Punchy: They got better billboards then the ones in Times Square? Ted: No. Punchy: Times Square's the bomb! Ted: Here. You know what? Hold this, okay? Punchy: I'm going to go pee in the jar I got going in the alley. Barney: Seriously, dude, he has got to go. You need to be like, "You are the weakest link. Goodbye." Punchy, the tribe has spoken. Please pack up your knives and go. Your work of art didn't work for us. Your time's up. I have to ask you to leave the mansion. You must leave the chateau. Your tour ends here. You've been chopped. Ted: Okay, yeah. I know. Barney: You've been evicted from the Big Brother house. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Sashay away. Give me your jacket and leave Hell's Kitchen. I'm sorry, you did not get a rose. You have been eliminated from the race. You are no longer in the running to be America's Next Top Model. You're fired. Auf Wiedersehen. Punchy: Ted, come look at this. I found a little wounded bird in the alley. Ted: That's your scrotum. Punchy: You know what it is, Ted. You know what it is. Come on, Ted. You always fall for that. Ted: Yeah, he's gotta go. The Madison Square Garden Lily: What are we doing in Madison Square Garden? Marshall: Okay, you refused to talk to Robin. So I thought that you might like to talk to... the organist for the New York Rangers. Jessica Glitter?! Lily: How did you find Glitter? Marshall: Simple, really. I used my powers of deduction. You see, I knew Glitter used to be a keytarist, which is basically a piano, so I just made a list of all the keyboard-based occupations and then I cross-matched them... Jessica Glitter: His friend Barney looked me up, hoping to buy my Space Teens costume. Marshall: Yo, Glitter... Be cool. Jessica Glitter: So, is this the one who's best friends with Robin now? Lily: More like ex-best friends. Just like you. Jessica Glitter: I'm sorry to hear that. I miss Robin. Lily: Yeah, well, Marshall and I are about to get pregnant, and I know she stopped being friends with you when you had a baby, so... Jessica Glitter: Oh, Robin didn't stop being friends with me. I stopped being friends with her. Lily: What? Why? Jessica Glitter: Because I had a baby. Honey, when you have a baby, all that best friend stuff-- hockey, bow hunting for caribou, math...that all goes out the window. I mean, I tried to stay friends with her, but it just didn't happen. She took it pretty hard. I even thought she might try to kill herself. Marshall: Charge! Lily: Wow. You dumped her just because you had a baby? That's cold. Jessica Glitter: Didn't you do the same thing? Minus the baby? Lily: Oh, God. I gotta go. I gotta go apologize to Robin. I- I need to tell her I love her, and that she'll always be a priority. Jessica Glitter: Be careful, Lily. I made those promises, too. And now I haven't even talked to her in five years. Sure, I thought about picking up the phone and calling her a hundred times, but I just never have the courage to actually...(Marshall is playing the piano) Hey. Go ahead. Ted's appartment Punchy: Hey, do you guys get Big Chuck and Little John out here? Ted: Punchy, it's time to go back. Punchy: Back to Times Square?! Ted: Uh, no. Back-Back to Cleveland. Punchy: I don't know if I can do that, bro. I mean, yeah, I've been jonesing for a piece of Cleveland-style pizza, but I feel bad about leaving you out here. I worry about you, Ted. Ted: You worry about me? Punchy: Yeah. The other day, when you called... [FLASHBACK] Punchy: Schmosby! Ted: Punchy! Punchy: Hey, good talking to you, Ted. Ted: Yeah. You, too. If you're ever in New York... Punchy: Definitely. Woman: Sweetie, who was that? Punchy: It was my friend Ted. He sounded kind of depressed. Woman: Is this the Ted who got left at the altar? Punchy: Yeah. He's not doing so good. Poor guy lives in a tiny apartment in New York, nowhere near Times Square. He's got no family around. He's still single, doesn't have a backyard. It's just a bummer. Woman: Maybe you should go visit him. Cheer him up a little. You know, buy him some shots, do the whole wounded bird trick. Punchy: You think that would work? Woman: Worked on me. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: Wow. She sounds pretty great, Punchy. Punchy: She's my angel. In fact, uh... We're getting married. Ted: Wow! Wow! That's... I'm-I'm really happy for you. Punchy: Thanks, Ted. Thanks. Actually, that's the other reason why I came out here. I wanted to see if you'd be my best man. Ted: Of course I will. Punchy: Yeah! That's great! No, you're stupid. Oh, that's it... Ted from 2030: That night, Lily went to the one place she knew she could find Robin-- New York's premiere Canadian bar, the Hoser Hut. The Hoser Hut Lily: Oh, there you are. Robin, I owe you a huge apology. Robin: No, okay? Me first. I've been pulling away from you, and I'm sorry. It's just, the last time my best friend had a baby... Lily: I know. I know all about it. It's not gonna happen with you and me. And I'm sorry I've been going crazy with this baby stuff. I know you hate babies. Robin: Whoa. Look, I hate most babies. But your baby? I'm gonna love that kid so much. I'm gonna pick it up and everything. (Robin and Lily hug) Marshall: I'm so happy you guys made up. Ted: Me, too. Barney: Where do I know this song from? Robin: Oh, my God. It's the beaver song. Okay, which one of you put this on? Jessica, singing: * Hey, beaver, come on; When you feel alone; Just pick up that phone; And I'll be there to share my... * Robin and Jessica: * Ice cream cone; We'll lick it side by side * Barney: Wow. This is so dirty. Marshall: Come on, Barney. It's a sweet song about friendship. Ted: Yeah, dude, come on. Robin and Jessica: * Day is done; Two beavers are better than one; Dah, dah-dah, dah-dah, dah-dah, dah-dah, dah; Two beavers are better than one; They're twice the fun; Ask anyone; A second beaver can be second to none; Two beavers are better than one. * Robin: *Dah, dah-dah, dah-dah, dah...* Jessica: *You're my favorite beaver...* Robin and Jessica: *Two beavers are better than one. Dah, dah-dah, dah-dah, dah-dah, dah-dah, dah; Two beavers are better than one; They're twice the fun; Ask anyone; A second beaver ; Can be second to none.* Robot: Two beavers are better than one. *

Plan: A: The gang; Q: Who learns about Jessica Glitter? A: Jessica Glitter; Q: Who is Robin's friend from her pop-star days? A: Nicole Scherzinger; Q: Who played Jessica Glitter? A: Robin Sparkles; Q: What was Robin's pop-star name? A: Barney; Q: Who discovers a tape about a Canadian children's show? Summary: The gang learns about Jessica Glitter ( Nicole Scherzinger ), a friend of Robin's from her pop-star days as Robin Sparkles, thanks to a new tape Barney discovers about a Canadian children's show.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is getting ready for a fishing trip and Phoebe is asking him about the fishing lures. Ross is playing with the rod, and Monica is pretty much just watching the on goings.] Phoebe: (holding a lure) So now, what is this now? Joey: Guggly worm. Phoebe: (laughs and picks up another lure) And this? Joey: Glow-pop giggly jammer. Phoebe: (laughs harder) You make it so funny. Monica: (not wanting to be left out, picks up something) Hey umm, what's this? Joey: (examining it) Ohh, a hunk of sandwich from last year. (Monica drops the sandwich) Ross: (pretend fishing in the living room) Ohh, Geller's got one hooked! Ohh! Looks like a big one! Yeah, ohh! Ohh! (Swinging the rod back and forth) It's the classic struggle between man and-(swings the rod and knocks over a lamp.) Someone knocked over a lamp. Joey: (going over and picking up the rod) That's all right. Hey you guys, you know what's going to be great about the fishing trip this year? When my dad gets me out in the middle of the lake and gives me that, "Joey, what are you doing with your life?" stuff. I can say, "Well, I'm doing a movie with Charlton Heston dad. What are you doing with your life?" All: Great! (Chandler enters from his bedroom, all depressed and wearing sweat pants, with the chick and duck in tow.) Chandler: You don't have to stop having fun just because I'm here. Kathy didn't cheat on all of you. (To Joey) Well, except you. (They hug and Chandler goes into the bathroom with the chick and duck following him.) Monica: Hey, Joey, I don't think that you should leave Chandler alone. I mean it's only been two days since he broke up with Kathy. Maybe you can go fishing next week? Joey: Look, there's nothing I can do for him right now, he's still in his sweat pants, that's still Phase One. Y'know? I'll be back for Phase Two, I would never miss Phase Two. Monica: What's Phase Two? Joey: Gettin' drunk and going to a strip club. Rachel: How does going to a strip club help him better? Ross: Because there are naked ladies there. Joey: Which helps him get to Phase Three, picturing yourself with other women. Ross: There are naked ladies there too. Joey: Yeah. Chandler: (opening the bathroom door and kicking out the chick and duck) Would you give me one minute!! Please. OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Bloomingdale's, Rachel is still dressing Joshua. He is trying on a pair of pants.] Joshua: So, these will match the jacket you picked out for me last week? Rachel: Um-hmm. (Joshua turns to look in the mirror and leaves Rachel staring at his ass.) There we go. There it is. Joshua: (turning around) Oh! You know what I need? Rachel: Yeah! Joshua: Gloves. Brown, leather dress gloves. Rachel: Oh, okay. Uhh, well let's see. (Grabs his hand.) You're about-well uh, this one is large. And this one-(Grabs the other hand.) Joshua: Also large? Rachel: Yeah! Okay, two larges coming right up! Joshua: Okay. Mr. Waltham: (entering) Rachel! Could I have a moment? Rachel: Yes. Mr. Waltham: I-I was wondering, my niece you see is in from London-well Shropshire really but y'know-well she's about your age I say. Anyway I have tickets for the opera, De Fladermouse, and I was wondering if you'd like to keep her company this evening? Rachel: Sure. You got it. Great! Mr. Waltham: Oh, good. Rachel: Me, Fladermouse, great. I really-(motions to Joshua.) Mr. Waltham: Ohh! Yes of course, thank you, thank you, thank you so very much. Joshua: So...(Holds out his hands as to say, "Where are my gloves?") Rachel: So? (She puts her hands in his, totally forgetting about the gloves, and hoping for something more intimate.) Joshua: Gloves? Rachel: Ohh! Right! Right, sorry, I'll be right back! Joshua: Uhh, actually y'know what, I kinda-I have to take off. Rachel: Oh. Joshua: But, I was curious; do you have any plans for tonight? Rachel: No! Nothing! Joshua: I invested in this night-club and it's opening tonight, would you like to come? Rachel: Yeah! That would be great! Joshua: You're into hardcore S&M right? Rachel: (shocked) Well, I-I guess-I... Joshua: Kidding! (Rachel is relived) I'm gonna get there early, but I'm going to put you on the V.I.P list, okay? Look for me. Rachel: Yeah, great, you betcha! Mr. Waltham: (entering) I almost forget the tickets, didn't I? Rachel: What? Mr. Waltham: For you and Emily, tonight, De Fladermouse. Rachel: Oh. Oh, right. Mr. Waltham: I think you'll like it, it has two out of the three tenors. Rachel: Oh yay! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is in his sweats flinging playing cards into a pot.] Chandler: Y'know, I can't believe Kathy did this too me. I really, thought that she was the one. I tell you what, from now on I'm never getting out of this chair, ever! Okay? From now on, this chair is the one! You wanna what else is the one? My sweat pants! Ross: Come on, man! Just-just take the sweats off. Okay? Just take 'em off and we'll have some fun. Joey: (entering) Hey-hey! Ross: Hi! Phoebe: Hey! Ross: Catch any big fish? (Phoebe, Ross, and Monica all go over to him.) Joey: Oh my God, you guys have no idea. All: (they all recoil from the smell emanating from him) Oh! God! Wow! Monica: You stink! Ross: Are you kidding?! Joey: Yeah, three days on the lake without a shower. Plus! I fell in that big tub of worms at the bait stand! Hey, how-how's he doing? Ross: He hasn't gotten out of that chair in two days. Joey: (goes over to Chandler) Hey buddy! How's it going? (Chandler imitates retching and gets out of the chair.) Joey: (To the rest of the gang) Hey, see that? He just needed his pal to come home. All right, uh, I've got to go memorise my lines. (Starts to go his bedroom) Me and Charlton Heston bright and early tomorrow morning! Yeah-yeah! Rachel: (entering) Hey! Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hey, Monica! Monica: Uh-oh, what's the matter? Rachel: Ohh, it's Joshua invited me to this fancy club opening tonight. But, I already told Mr. Waltham that I would take his niece to this dumb old opera. So... What are you gonna do? Monica: I don't know sweetie. Rachel: No! Help me! Monica: I can't! I have to work! Rachel: Phoebe? Phoebe: I would, but I get my morning sickness in the evening. Rachel: Ugh! Phoebe: Unless! She wants to spend the night holding my hair back for me. Rachel: Ohh, gosh. You guys, come on, this is-I have to meet Joshua! This is my one chance for him to see the fun Rachel. Y'know the "Wouldn't it be great if she was my wife" Rachel. Ohh, all right! Are Joey and Chandler back? Monica: No, Chandler's still in Phase One, and Joey's that thing you smell. Rachel: Ohh! (Realises that Ross is in the room.) Hi! Ross: Hi! Rachel: So.... Ross: No. Rachel: Ohhhh, come on!!! (There's a knock on the door.) Monica: I think she's here. Rachel: No! Wait! Wait-wait! Ross, please! Ross: You want me to take some girl I've never met to the opera so you can go to a club and flirt with some guy, hmm, that-that is a toughie. Monica: (looking out the peephole) Ohh, she's looking down the hall. Oh! She looked right at me! Oh wait, you can't see people through that little hole, can you? (Goes back to the door.) Hello! Woman: Hello! (Monica screams) Rachel: I'll be right there! (to Ross) Okay, Ross, please come on! I thought we have moved on! I thought we've gotten to a place where we could be happy for each other! I mean was that just me? Ross: All right, I'll do it. Rachel: Oh thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! (Monica opens the door.) Emily? Emily: Yes. Rachel: I'm Rachel Green. Emily: Thank goodness. Rachel: There's been a teeny-teeny change in plans. It turns out that I'm not free tonight. So... Emily: Really?! Well, that's just lovely, isn't it? I must've missed your call, even though I didn't leave the flat all day. Rachel: Oh well, no I... Emily: Oh, no-no-no, that's not rude! It's perfectly in keeping with a trip that I've already been run down by one of your wiener carts, and been strip-searched at John F. Kennedy Airport, apparently to you people, I look like someone who's got a balloon full of cocaine stuffed up their bum. Monica: I-I-I think you look great. Emily: Good night, it was very nice to meet you all. (Storms out.) (Pause) Rachel: I'll get her. Ross: Please hurry. Phoebe: Don't you just love the way they talk?! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, the next morning, Monica and Phoebe are eating breakfast.] Phoebe: Ohh! Monica: What? Phoebe: It kicked! I think the baby kicked! Monica: Oh my God! Phoebe: Oh no wait, oh no, the elastic on my underwear busted. Joey: (running from his bedroom) Oh my God! I overslept! I was supposed to be on the set a half an hour ago! I gotta get out of here! Monica: Oh wait, Joey, you can't go like that! You stink! Joey: Look, I know I feel asleep before I could shower and now I don't have time! They're just ten blocks away, if I run, I can make it. Monica: Yeah. Run ten blocks, that'll help the smell. (He opens the door to reveal Rachel.) Rachel: Hey-whoa, slow down. (Gets a whiff of him) No, keep moving. (Joey runs off.) Wow! Monica: So? How did it go with Joshua last night? Rachel: Well, I didn't see Joshua last night, but I did punch a girl in the face. Monica: What? Phoebe: Why? Rachel: The whole night was horrible, it was pouring down rain, and when I got there, there was no Rachel Green on the list, but there was a Rachel Greep. Phoebe: Ohh! So, did you get to meet her? Rachel: No, there is no Rachel Greep, but then this other girl overheard us and she was all, "I'm Rachel Greep! I'm Rachel Greep!" and he let her right in. Monica: So you hit her in the face? Rachel: No, she was already in, but then this big bitch behind me tried to steal my umbrella, so I clocked her. Ohhh! I can't believe this, all I wanted was a few hours outside of work to see Joshua, so he can go ahead and start falling in love with me. Phoebe: (going over to comfort her) Aww, Pheebs. Rachel: Honey, that's you're name. Phoebe: That's short for Phoebe?! I thought that was just what we called each other! (Chandler enters from his bedroom.) Monica: Hey! You're wearing pants! Chandler: That's right! Where are the guys? I'm ready to get drunk and see some strippers. Monica: It's 9:30 in the morning! Chandler: They got a breakfast buffet. (The phone rings and Monica answers it.) Monica: Hello. (Listens) Oh, hey Ross! Chandler: Ooh, let me talk to him! Monica: Oh-oh, my God! Chandler: Well, can I just... Monica: (to Chandler) Shh!! (On phone) Wait, what? Chandler: She's shhing me! It's my phone and she's shhing me! Phoebe: Shhh!! Please! What's he saying? Monica: He's with Emily at a Bed and Breakfast in Vermont! Phoebe: What? Oh my God! Rachel: What? Who the hell is Emily-(realises) noooo!! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, scene continued from earlier.] Rachel: They're in Vermont!! How could this happen?! (She waves her arms franticly and hits Chandler.) Chandler: Ow! Rachel: How-how did end up in Vermont with that awful witch?! (She hits Chandler again.) Chandler: Maybe, she doesn't hit him all the time. [cut to Ross in Vermont, talking on the phone.] Ross: When we first met her, she was soaking, her feet were wet! Who wouldn't be miserable? I'm telling you when I got her into a dry pair of shoes, she was a totally different person. Emily: (rushing in) Ross! Come quickly! There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard! Ross: I've gotta go, there's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard! (He hangs up and runs out.) [cut back to Chandler and Joey's.] Monica: He had to go, there's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard. Rachel: I don't get this! She was horrible! (She hits Chandler, yet again.) Chandler: Okay, I'm going to go stand over there. (Points and moves into the living room.) Monica: Why do you care so much anyway? Rachel: I don't care! All right, y'know what I'm just upset that I'm getting nowhere with Joshua that-y'know what still, you do not meet someone and go flitting off to Vermont! Monica: Well, when you first met Barry, you flitted off to Vail. Rachel: Oh, y'know, would you just for once, not remember every...little...thing!! (Storms out.) Chandler: So y'know, uh, when's he getting back? Monica: A couple of days. Chandler: Y'know, I knew something like this was going to happen. (He starts to take off his pants, revealing that he is still wearing his sweat pants.) Monica: What are you doing?! Chandler! You can't just go back a phase! Chandler: Yes you can. You're thinking about time, you can't go back in time. Phoebe: Well, look, why don't you just, why don't you do your Phase Two strip club thing with us. Monica: Yeah, come on, we can be guys! Chandler: (laughs) No you can't. Phoebe: Come on! Let us be guys! Maybe we want to be guys! Chandler: You don't want to be guys, you'd be all hairy and wouldn't live as long. (Starts to go to his bedroom) Phoebe: Y'know you, you just stop being such a wuss and get those off and you come with us and watch naked girls dance around!! Chandler: Okay. (Starts to cry) Phoebe: I'm sorry. (Goes and hugs him) [Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is just arriving for his scene.] Joey: (rushing in) Hey! Joey Tribbiani! I'm here! I'm here! The A.D: Calm down, we got time, we're running a little late. (Just then, Charlton Heston walks out of his dressing room and starts eating a liquorice whip.) Joey: Look at that, Charlton Heston eating a liquorice whip! The A.D: Yeah, we loves 'em. I've never seen him with-(He gets a whiff of Joey and starts smelling around.) Joey: (trying to act like he's not the one that stinks.) Whoa! Yeah, what the hell is that? What smells so bad? The A.D: You. Joey: Y'know, I can see why you think that, but ah, actually, you know who I think it is? The A.D: You? Joey: No-no, it's uh, it's Heston. The A.D: What? Joey: Yeah, the man wreaks! Smells like he went on a three day fishing trip and then ate some liquorice. The A.D: There's no way he smells, he's the only one around here with a shower in his dressing room. Joey: Really, a shower huh? And uh, which-which room might that be? The A.D: The one with "Heston" on it. Joey: Interesting. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: A strip club, the girls are there with Chandler, who isn't enjoying himself.] Monica: (coming back to the stage and sitting next to Chandler) Okay, I've got some Ones, you wanna put them in her panties? Chandler: No thanks, Mom! (A man sits down next to Phoebe and lights up a cigarette.) Phoebe: Oh, no umm, hi, that-that, you have to put that out, 'cause I'm pregnant. The Cigarette Smoking Guy: (No, not the Cigarette Smoking Man from The X-Files.) Well, maybe you and your baby should go to another strip club. Phoebe: Ha-ha, it's not my baby, ha-ha-ha! (He leaves.) (The dancer finishes and everyone claps.) Monica: Very good, (getting up and sliding a One into the dancer's hot pants) so good. Phoebe: (doing the same) I really, really enjoyed it. Very exotic. Rachel: (joining them) Well, I just checked our messages and Joshua didn't call. I mean you'd think he'd be worried about me not showing up at his club. Ugh, you know what makes it so much worse, Ross is all happy in Vermont! Phoebe: Come on! Look where you are!! Monica: (to the waitress) When you get a sec, another round of daiquiris. Phoebe: Remember, a virgin for me please. Monica: Oh! And don't let me leave without getting the name of that carpet guy. Chandler: Ahh, come on! Y'know what-y'know what, I think I'm just gonna go home and call Kathy. Phoebe: Well, if you think it will help. Chandler: No! That was a test! In a couple of hours I'm gonna get really drunk and wanna call Kathy and you guys are gonna have to stop me! And then after that, I'm gonna get so drunk, I'm gonna wanna call Janice Phoebe: You should! How is she? Chandler: Ohhh!! Monica: I think somebody needs another lap dance. (Motions for one.) [Scene: Silvercup studios, Joey is taking a shower in Charlton Heston's dressing room. Heston enters the room, Joey panics, and walks over to the shower and confronts Joey about the use of his shower.] Charlton Heston: Hello! Who's in there? (He opens to curtain to reveal a naked and wet Joey.) Joey: How ya doin'? Charlton Heston: Who in the hell are you? Joey: I guess you wouldn't believe me if I said I was Kurt Douglas, huh? Charlton Heston: Put some pants on kid so I can kick your butt. Joey: No-no-no, no, no, wait. You see, I'm an actor, Joey Tribbiani, I'm doing a scene with you today, and well, I stink. Charlton Heston: (shocked) You're in this picture? Joey: Yeah-yeah, I'm one of the cops that won't work with you 'cause you a lose cannon. Anyway, look, I'm really sorry, but I stink! Charlton Heston: Joey, right? Joey: Yeah. Charlton Heston: (tosses him a towel, motions for him to get out of the shower and sits down on the couch) Every actor at one time or another-opp! (Joey tries to sit down next to him and Heston makes him sit somewhere else.) Every actor thinks he stinks, even Lawrence Oliver at sometimes thought he stank, Bob Redford won't even watch himself. Joey: Oh no-no-no, you don't understand... Charlton Heston: Listen to me! Joey: Oh yeah, yeah. Charlton Heston: I don't know one actor worth his salt that didn't say at one time or another, "God, I stink!" Hell, I just did a scene out there, first take, I stunk the place up. But, the important thing you must remember, no matter how badly you think you might stink, you must never, ever bust into my dressing room and use my shower! Do you understand me?! Joey: Yes sir! Yes sir, I'm-I'm-(he starts to leave) Charlton Heston: Wait a minute! Take your pants. Joey: Yeah. Oh, yeah. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are returning from the strip club.] Monica: So, we did okay at the strip club, right? Chandler: Oh yeah, that was great. Thanks to you, the hottest cocktail waitress there is quitting to teach the third grade! Rachel: (entering) I can't believe it! He still hasn't called. Phoebe: Who, Josh? Rachel: It's Joshua. Monica: What, he doesn't like Josh? Rachel: No, I don't. Chandler: All right, well I'm gonna put my sweats back on. Phoebe: Oh no! Wait! Wait! Okay, y'know what, you were right, you were right. We really weren't great at being guys, but you know why? Because we're girls. Chandler: Yeah? Phoebe: And do you know what girls are really good at? Chandler: Stripping! Phoebe: No, listening! Sit! Y'know, maybe it would just really, really help if you would just talk. Rachel: Yeah, come on! What's going in on in there? (Pats his chest.) Monica: Yeah. And y'know, if you wanna cry, that's okay too. Chandler: Okay, look, I'm gonna have to ask you all to leave. Monica: Come on! Chandler! Chandler: Look, forget it. We tried, but Phase Three is a lost cause, Okay? Those strippers were insanely hot, and I couldn't picture myself with any of them. (Sits back in disgust.) Monica: They really were pretty, weren't they? (Rachel and Phoebe both agree) Phoebe: Yeah, I really liked that fighter pilot one. Monica: Oh, Candy! She was so spunky! Phoebe: Yeah. Monica: Y'know, I think if I were going to be with a woman. (Chandler is intrigued.) It'd, it'd be with someone like Michelle, she was so oh, she was so petite. Rachel: See, I don't know, for me it would have to Chantal. Monica: Oh, Chantal! Rachel: Oh my goodness, she had the smoothest skin! I mean when I stuck that dollar bill in her g-string and grazed her thigh... Chandler: (jumping up) Phase Three! I just achieved Phase Three! Monica: Really?! Chandler: I am totally picturing you with all those women! Monica: That's-that's not Phase Three. Chandler: Well, I'm there too! Rachel: Well, are we all together? Like in a group? Chandler: Stop it! You're killing me! I think I just moved on to Phase Four! Phoebe: Oh! What is that? What is that? Chandler: Where I don't want to have a relationship ever! I just want to have s*x with strippers and my friends!! [Scene: Central Perk, the gang is there, minus Ross. Chandler is trying to cheer Joey up about missing Phase Two.] Chandler: Come on, let me see that smile. Joey: I don't wanna. Chandler: Please? Joey: I wanted to go to the strip club! Chandler: I know, I know, but you're gonna have plenty of chances. There are literally thousands of women out there just waiting to screw me over. Joey: Yeah, all right. (Ross enters.) Monica: Hey! Ross: Hey! Phoebe: Hey-ooh so, how was Vermont? Ross: Emily is...incredible. I mean there-there are no words to describe it, I mean the whole weekend was like a dream. (Sees Rachel coming back from the bathroom.) Oh! And you! Rach! Rachel: Oh, hey! Ross: Hey! You were so right! Rachel: What? Ross: Uh, what you said, about us being in a place where we could finally be happy for each other. Rachel: Oh, hmm. Ross: I mean, I, I-I admit I-I wasn't quite there. Y'know, I mean the thought of you and that-that Josh guy... Rachel: Joshua. Ross: Joshua...guy at that club, dancing and having a good time, the thought of it kinda...y'know. Rachel: Yeah, I... Ross: But now! I'm there! I'm totally there! I'm-I'm finally where you are! Rachel: Oh, thank goodness! Ross: Yeah, and-and thank you for Emily. Rachel: Oh, no problem. I'm so glad I could help. Happy for you. (She playfully punches him.) Ross: Happy for you. (He punches her back.) Rachel: No, happy for you! (Hits him harder.) CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is there and is getting ready to direct a bunch of strippers, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe on what to do in the upcoming orgy of lesbian lust. Yes, it's a dream sequence, this isn't cable.] Chandler: All right ladies, here's what we're gonna do. (Points to a stripper.) You are gonna take off my clothes. (To another two strippers) You two, go get the oils. (To another stripper) And you just constantly scream at the top of your voice, "Chandler's the king! Chandler's the king!" Phoebe: I-I wanna be with her, (points to the stripper next to her) I like her. Chandler: Oh, that's fine! Go with your instincts, go with your instincts. Monica: Wait, now, what am I doing again? Chandler: Come on! Would you please pay attention, I could wake up at any moment! The Cigarette Guy: Hi, I'm Joshua, I'm here to pick up Rachel. Rachel: No-no-no, that' not Joshua. Chandler: What do you want from me, I've never met the guy. So anyway, Rachel, I'm sorry you can't stay, (Rachel is upset about leaving the orgy with the cigarette guy.) but the rest of us have a lot of work to do. (The cigarette guy starts rubbing Chandler's back.) What are you doing? (The guy just nods) All right, listen, I've got to wake up!

Plan: A: Chandler; Q: Who is depressed over his break-up with Kathy? A: a strip club; Q: What kind of club do the girls take Chandler to? A: Rachel; Q: Who asks Ross for help? A: Ross; Q: Who agrees to take Emily to the opera? A: Joshua; Q: Who does Rachel double book with? A: a club opening; Q: What does Joshua invite Rachel to? A: London; Q: Where is Emily from? A: the opera; Q: What does Rachel's boss want her to accompany his niece to? A: Joey; Q: Who arrives home with an unpleasant odor? A: a three-day fishing trip; Q: What was the reason for Joey's odor? A: his father; Q: Who did Joey go fishing with? A: his shower; Q: What does Joey sneak into Charlton Heston's dressing room to use? Summary: Chandler is depressed over his break-up with Kathy, requiring the girls' intervention that includes a strip club. Rachel asks for Ross' help after she becomes double-booked with Joshua, who invites her to a club opening, and her boss who wants her to accompany his niece, Emily, just in from London, to the opera. Joey arrives home with an unpleasant odor following a three-day fishing trip with his father. He oversleeps and rushes to a movie set without showering. He sneaks into Charlton Heston 's dressing room to use his shower. Ross reluctantly agrees to meet Emily and take her to the opera, then shocks everyone when the couple end up spending the weekend together at a Bed & Breakfast.

GLYN JONES 5:40pm - 6:05pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. MOROK HEADQUARTERS. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE IAN: Is he in here? LOBOS: Yes. IAN: (To the GUARD.) Open the door. (LOBOS nods to the GUARD who does as instructed.) IAN: Now get in. Both of you. [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. MOROK HEADQUARTERS. PREPARATION ROOM (LOBOS and the GUARD enter the room which is filled with a whirring noise. IAN follows but stops, his eyes wide open in horror at what he sees within the room...) IAN: Doctor! (The DOCTOR is against a propped upright within a machine but he is as still as a waxwork...) IAN: (Keeping the gun on LOBOS and the GUARD.) What have you done to him? LOBOS: I don't think you would appreciate the technical difficulties. IAN: Just tell me what you've done. LOBOS: He has completed the second stage of preparation. He's as good as dead. IAN: (Menacingly.) If you want to save yourself, you'd better bring him back to life. LOBOS: Impossible. IAN: But your only hope is to try. LOBOS: No one has ever attempted to reverse the process. IAN: There's a first time for everything, now get moving! (LOBOS moves towards the centre of the room where there is a machine whose workings are contained under a large dome of glass. IAN sees that LOBOS has his own gun and quickly snatches it from him. He now points two guns at LOBOS and the GUARD.) IAN: And remember...I shall be watching you very carefully, so don't try any tricks. LOBOS: There are no tricks in science, only facts. (LOBOS starts to activates controls on the machine.) IAN: How long is this going to take? LOBOS: How can I say? This has never been done before. Perhaps he never will recover. [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. XERON HIDEOUT (SITA distributes the weapons to the other XERONS whilst VICKI and TOR watch on.) SITA: That's nearly the lot. TOR: Right, move along. Hurry up. VICKI: (Worriedly.) Tor? TOR: Just a minute, Vicki. (TOR addresses the XERONS.) TOR: Right, now you know the main objective - the Morok barracks. Most of our force is already on the way there. But we must surprise them. If they mobilise, we shall fail. SITA: (To the last XERON in line.) Come on, take a ray gun. (He does so and the XERONS start to file out.) VICKI: Tor, will everybody be going to the barracks. TOR: Mmm, we need every man and woman we can muster Vicki, why? VICKI: Well if it's all the same to you, I'm going back to the museum. TOR: The museum?! VICKI: Barbara may still be there. I've got to find her Tor...and my other friends. TOR: Look, after we've finished here, you can get... VICKI: (Interrupting.) Now! It may be too late then. TOR: I won't let you go! VICKI: I won't let you stop me! TOR: But if you're captured? VICKI: The Moroks don't know of the revolt. I'm not likely to tell them. TOR: Well you won't have to! (He points to the gun VICKI is holding.) The gun will give us away. They'll check the armoury. (In answer, VICKI passes the gun to TOR.) VICKI: I'm still going. Look Tor, I've got to find them and tell them what's going on. There's no knowing what they'll do otherwise. If I am captured...oh, I'll just have to hope that you're successful and you find me in time. I know it sounds silly but...whatever I do may be wrong. I...I've got to find them. (She starts to walk out.) TOR: Vicki! VICKI: (Turning back.) Yes? TOR: Wait a moment. (He turns to SITA.) Sita? Go with Vicki to the museum. I'll join you later. SITA: Yes, but...! TOR: (Interrupting.) Don't argue Sita! (He passes the gun back to VICKI.) Do what she tells you. VICKI: Come on, Sita. (She happily leads him out of the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: EXT. MUSEUM ENTRANCE (The MOROK GUARD who was given the task of getting the cutting equipment walks up to the TARDIS. He examines the lock then signals his compatriots over. Two more GUARDS arrive with the cutting equipment. They set it up and switch it on.) MOROK COMMANDER: (OOV.) Soldier! (They jump to attention as the MOROK COMMANDER walks up.) MOROK COMMANDER: Leave that. Where is the relief guard for this entrance? MOROK GUARD: There was no one here when we arrived, sir. MOROK COMMANDER: You, take over the watch. MOROK GUARD: Sir! (He turns to the other two GUARDS.) MOROK COMMANDER: You two come with me. I'll get to the bottom of this. (The MOROK COMMANDER stalks off towards the Morok headquarters followed by the two GUARDS. When they have gone, the GUARD who remains goes and stands on duty outside the doors to the museum. The hissing of the Zaphra gas can be heard from within.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. MUSEUM. ENTRANCE PASSAGE (BARBARA comes round in the smoky passage and starts coughing. She struggles to her feet and starts to shake DAKO.) BARBARA: Dako! Dako! Come on! (She helps him to his feet and places her handkerchief over his mouth. Taking his arm across her shoulders, they continue on.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. MOROK HEADQUARTERS. PREPARATION ROOM (Still under IAN'S gun, LOBOS continues to activate the machinery.) IAN: Well, what's happening? LOBOS: His temperature is returning to normal. IAN: Good. (IAN looks at the DOCTOR, obviously impatient...) IAN: Look, can't you speed things up a bit? LOBOS: After a temperature of several hundred degrees below freezing, it is a complicated process. You will have to be patient. (There is a sudden loud electronic noise, reducing in scale and volume. The whirring sound stops.) LOBOS: Body temperature has now been reached. (IAN puts his hand on the DOCTOR'S forehead.) LOBOS: Well? IAN: Yes, he's getting warmer. LOBOS: Good. We shan't have long to wait. (As if in response, the DOCTOR'S mouth opens and he lets out a faint cry.) DOCTOR: Ahh! (IAN goes to open the door to the machine that the DOCTOR is stood in. LOBOS steps forward. IAN raises the gun.) IAN: Get back! (LOBOS steps to the GUARD.) DOCTOR: Ohh! Ahh! (The DOCTOR staggers forward.) DOCTOR: Ohh! Support me, dear boy! (IAN, still trying to point the gun at LOBOS, helps the DOCTOR as requested.) DOCTOR: Support me over there and sit me down. (IAN helps the DOCTOR over to a nearby bench.) DOCTOR: Ahh! Ahh! Ah! (The DOCTOR sits down, holding his leg in pain. IAN stands next to him, watching LOBOS and the GUARD carefully.) IAN: How are you feeling? DOCTOR: I shall be all right in a minute. It's a bad attack of rheumatism. Yes, it always happens to me when I'm cold. IAN: You've been cold all right, Doctor, I can tell you that. DOCTOR: Yes, unfortunately, I...I'm not used to being subjected to such low temperatures. LOBOS: (Quietly, to the GUARD.) When I give you the word, you rush him. IAN: No, well, we'd better bring the circulation back. (IAN starts to massage the DOCTOR'S arm.) LOBOS: (To the reluctant GUARD.) That's an order! DOCTOR: It's all right, dear boy, it's not...it's not the circulation freeze. IAN: Eh? DOCTOR: Yes, don't fuss. Now don't do that. LOBOS: (To the GUARD.) Now! (The GUARD rushes forward but IAN quickly raises the gun. The panic-stricken GUARD looks at LOBOS, then steps back in surrender.) DOCTOR: My dear Governor, my dear Lobos, I don't think your soldiers have really got their heart in their job, have they? Mmm? (Laughs.) Thank you for getting me out of this little predicament. (He stands up, leaning on IAN'S arm.) DOCTOR: Although, I...would have been better pleased had you done it more voluntary. IAN: Yes, his conscience did need reminding. DOCTOR: Yes. Mmm! I know, I know! Mmm. IAN: What do you mean you know? Surely you were... DOCTOR: Dead? Not at all, my boy. Not at all! I was merely, let me say, er...frozen stiff. Mmm? IAN: You mean you knew everything that was happening? DOCTOR: Exactly! My brain was working with the speed of a mechanical computer. I was asking myself questions and the answers were arriving with remarkable alacrity, yes! Yes! I must confess, I didn't enjoy the refrigeration, hence this attack of rheumatism. But thanks to you, my dear boy, I am now de-iced and I think I'm quite capable of facing up to the climate once more. LOBOS: I wouldn't be too sure of that, Doctor. Of course, I have no proof, but your brain could very easily have been affected. DOCTOR: (Offended.) The best thing for you, Governor Lobos, is to put you in there! Mmm? Then you will have all the proof you needed! (Laughs.) (LOBOS looks concerned at the suggestion.) DOCTOR: But you think yourself lucky. My conscience won't allow me to do that. Mmm! It's a pity, isn't it? Mmm? It's a pity! Mmm mm! [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. MOROK HEADQUARTERS. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE (The MOROK COMMANDER and the two GUARDS enter the Governor's office and immediately overhear the DOCTOR and IAN.) IAN: (OOV.) Well Doctor, I think the...next thing to do is find Barbara and Vicki, eh? (The MOROK COMMANDER signals to the GUARDS to stop.) DOCTOR: (OOV.) I'm not so sure of that, my dear boy. Where did you say you'd left them? (The COMMANDER, unseen, slowly starts to edge towards the open door to the preparation room.) IAN: (OOV.) In the museum. DOCTOR: (OOV.) And the TARDIS? IAN: (OOV.) Well, that was outside the museum building. (The GUARDS have followed the COMMANDER. The backs of the DOCTOR and IAN can be seen through the open door.) DOCTOR: Mmm. I see, I see. [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. MOROK HEADQUARTERS. PREPARATION ROOM DOCTOR: Er... IAN: What's the problem? Surely we've changed the future by now? DOCTOR: Yes, and I'm not sure of that either Chesterton. Have we? Have we? Mmm? Or are we...doing...what we're allegedly intended to do? Hmm? Now, what do you think? Hmm? IAN: Well, I...got you out of that thing, I... DOCTOR: Yes, that's true [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. MOROK HEADQUARTERS. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE (The MOROKS raise their guns and start to walk towards the preparation room.) DOCTOR: That's true, but I'm sure the Governor here would be delighted if we were both put back in there. [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. MOROK HEADQUARTERS. PREPARATION ROOM DOCTOR: Am I correct, sir? Hmm? (Laughs.) (LOBOS looks on as one of the GUARDS clubs IAN to the ground. The DOCTOR turns round and the MOROK COMMANDER points his gun at him.) LOBOS: (Smiling.) Yes, Doctor. You are quite correct. And it would appear that I shall have my wish. [SCENE_BREAK] 11: EXT. MUSEUM ENTRANCE (The GUARD outside the museum hears a noise within. He listens for a second at the door, but hearing nothing further, walks away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. MUSEUM. ENTRANCE PASSAGEWAY (BARBARA and DAKO struggle on. DAKO has to stop, unable to get his breath. He leans on an exhibit.) BARBARA: There's only a few more feet, Dako. DAKO: Th... (Coughs.) They'll be guards out there, Barbara. (Coughs.) Waiting for us. BARBARA: (Taking his arm over her shoulder again.) You'll stand a better chance outside. DAKO: (Coughs.) A chance of what? (They carry on.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: EXT. MUSEUM ENTRANCE (The GUARD outside the museum has returned to the doors. Looking through the gap, he suddenly grins and steps back, getting his gun ready...) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. MOROK HEADQUARTERS. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE (The GUARD who was captured by IAN stands to attention before LOBOS as an investigation into recent events takes place.) MOROK COMMANDER: I met this soldier on his way here, asked him what he was doing. He said reporting to you on your orders. MOROK GUARD: I was a prisoner of one of the aliens, sir. He had a gun. LOBOS: (Sharply.) Which he took from you. MOROK GUARD: Yes sir. MOROK COMMANDER: I posted a relief guard and then came here to see what was happening. LOBOS: You did well Commander. Have this man placed under close arrest. (The communications unit buzzes.) LOBOS: Yes? MOROK GUARD: (OOV: over tannoy.) Relief guard, exit 4-1-7. The aliens are just about to leave the museum. LOBOS: Good! Detain them there. I'll send extra men. MOROK GUARD: (OOV: over tannoy.) Yes sir. (He switches off the unit.) LOBOS: Well, it would appear that this li...little diversion will soon be over, Commander. (He tries another switch on the unit. There is no response.) LOBOS: Strange, no reply from the barracks. Well, it seems that a faulty connection has given our friend here another chance. (To the GUARD.) Go with the Commander. (To the COMMANDER.) When you've got them, bring the aliens to me. MOROK COMMANDER: Yes sir. (They salute and leave the room. LOBOS walks over to the preparation room and slides open the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. MOROK HEADQUARTERS. PREPARATION ROOM (Here, the DOCTOR and IAN are sat down under the watchful gaze of two MOROK GUARDS. IAN holds the back of his head.) LOBOS: I've just a word about your friends. You'll all be together again soon. Perhaps for centuries? [SCENE_BREAK] 16: EXT. MUSEUM ENTRANCE (The GUARD watches as the doors of the museum open and BARBARA and DAKO dash out of the gas filled interior into the open air.) MOROK GUARD: Halt! Halt! (They stand still.) MOROK GUARD: Stay as you are. Over to the wall. Over! (The GUARD pushes DAKO and BARBARA across to the wall.) DAKO: Sorry Barbara. BARBARA: It's all right. Wasn't your fault. MOROK GUARD: No talking! Hands on your heads. Up! Up! (They put their hands up.) SITA: (OOV.) Soldier! (The soldier spins round as SITA, with VICKI besides him, blasts him with his gun. BARBARA rushes forward to VICKI.) BARBARA: Vicki! VICKI: Barbara! Are you all right. You look terrible! BARBARA: No, I'm fine. (SITA and DAKO are also having a joyful reunion.) DAKO: Sita! Where did you come from - and guns? SITA: Yes, the revolutions finally started. We broke into the armoury. Tor is leading an attack on the Morok barracks. DAKO: Well, why aren't you there? SITA: We came for you. (Meanwhile...) VICKI: Is Ian still inside? BARBARA: Well, I don't see how he could be. I think he must have been captured by the guards. VICKI: Taken to wherever the Doctor is, I suppose. Oh, Barbara, we've got to find them. We've got a chance now. BARBARA: Why? What's happened? VICKI: Everything...everything's going to be all right. I know it is. When the revolution succeeds, Tor and the Xerons are going to destroy this museum and all the exhibits. Well, we can't be put in a museum that doesn't exist any more, can we? (SITA walks over.) SITA: Dako and myself are going to try and see if we can find Tor. Are you coming? VICKI: No, I don't think so, are we Barbara? BARBARA: Well, we must find out where Ian and the Doctor were taken. And if that means just wandering around the exhibition aimlessly, well we may as well go with them - Tor. VICKI: Where will they be taken? SITA: Mmm, the Governor's office, I expect. First of all anyway. VICKI: We don't want to go there, do we? (They laugh.) MOROK COMMANDER: (Behind them.) Possibly not, but that's where you are going. (The GUARD who is with the COMMANDER shoots SITA and then clubs DAKO to the ground. VICKI crouches down by SITA.) VICKI: Sita! (The COMMANDER walks over to her and takes the gun out of her hand. She stands up besides BARBARA.) MOROK COMMANDER: (Quietly.) Where did you get this? (VICKI doesn't answer. He walks over and points his gun at her.) MOROK COMMANDER: I asked you a question. VICKI: I...I can't remember. MOROK COMMANDER: Soldier. Have their been any guerilla actions against us? MOROK GUARD: Oh, none recently. MOROK COMMANDER: Have any arms fallen into Xeron hands? MOROK GUARD: No sir, not that I know of. MOROK COMMANDER: It seems as though our illustrious Governor is going to have more than his usual batch of questions to ask. Move. (They move off towards the MOROK HEADQUARTERS leaving SITA and DAKO on the ground besides the first MOROK GUARD.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. MOROK HEADQUARTERS. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE (The gun that the MOROK COMMANDER took from VICKI lies on the desk before LOBOS. He tries the communications unit again.) MOROK COMMANDER: No answer. LOBOS: No. First the barracks, now the armoury. Well, the soldier will report as soon as he gets there. MOROK COMMANDER: Yes, you don't think... LOBOS: (Shouts.) I don't think anything, Commander! (He gets up.) All I know is that this gun came from the weapons store. MOROK COMMANDER: Mmm. What, er, is going to happen to them? LOBOS: In due course, they will go into the museum, as planned. [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. MOROK HEADQUARTERS. PREPARATION ROOM (BARBARA and VICKI are now also imprisoned in here with IAN and the DOCTOR. IAN is trying to force open the locked door.) DOCTOR: Chesterton! Chesterton! Save your strength. It's going to take much more than that to get us out of this situation. Hmm! IAN: Well, Exhibits! In a forgotten museum, eh? Is that how we're all going to end up? (He turns to the machine under the glass dome and starts to sabotage it.) IAN: Not with this apparatus... (IAN wrenches off a box from the front of the machine. He throws it on the floor and starts to stamp on it. The DOCTOR laughs quietly.) DOCTOR: Well, my boy, you'd hardly call me a pessimist, but, er, I think it's most unlikely that th...that is the only contraption of its kind. Mmm? BARBARA: Well, you can't blame Ian for letting off steam, Doctor. Oh, I wish I'd had thought nit...thought of it. I'd have smashed the whole thing too. DOCTOR: Yes, I think I would have done the same thing. VICKI: But we must have changed the future! We just must have done! BARBARA: Must we Vicki? Or were all the things that happened planned out for us? DOCTOR: (Thoughtful.) Mmm. BARBARA: Four separate journeys. Four choices, that led all the time, closer to here. Maybe it could have changed things if I hadn't left that museum? DOCTOR: Yes, and perhaps I shouldn't have got myself captured, Mmm? (Laughs.) IAN: Well, if your all joining in, I suppose I...oh, what's the use? VICKI: (Optimistic.) It hasn't happened yet, you know. DOCTOR: Yes, Vicki's quite right! Quite right! Mmm! IAN: It's only a matter of time, isn't it, Doctor? DOCTOR: Well, it's not necessarily, my boy. BARBARA: But Doctor, what can we do now... DOCTOR: My dear Barbara, you must try and remember, the short time we've been on this planet, we've met people, spoken to them and who knows, we might have even influenced them. VICKI: That's what I was trying to say. DOCTOR: Yes, I know you were child, yes! (Laughs.) Yes, I knew you were! Mmm! IAN: You mean we don't necessarily have to change our own future? It could be changed for us? DOCTOR: Quite so, yes, quite so, my boy. VICKI: Like the revolution! [SCENE_BREAK] 19: EXT. MUSEUM HEADQUARTERS (As VICKI speaks, the revolution is indeed taking place. Two MOROK GUARDS make a run for the museum entrance.) MOROK GUARD: To headquarters, quickly! Look out! (They are chased by TOR and four XERONS. Two shots ring out and the two MOROK GUARDS fall next to DAKO and SITA. TOR rushes up to examine his comrades and is attacked by a third MOROK GUARD. He pushes him off with an elbow jab and shoots him down. As TOR again sees to DAKO and SITA, a fourth MOROK GUARD runs into the museum. TOR gestures to two of the XERONS who follow him in.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. MUSEUM ENTRANCE PASSAGE (The MOROK turns to make a stand but the XERONS quickly shoot him down.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: EXT. MUSEUM ENTRANCE (DAKO starts to come round, TOR shakes him awake.) TOR: Dako, Dako! It's Tor! DAKO: (Groggily.) Tor, the barracks...did you...destroy it? TOR: The Moroks are on the run. And Vicki...do you know what's happened? DAKO: (Trying to remember.) She found her friends...then the Moroks came. TOR: They took them?! DAKO: Yes... TOR: (Desperate.) Well, where to Dako? Where did they take them?! DAKO: I'm not sure...the Governor's office, I think. TOR: (To a XERON.) Stay with him. The rest of you, come with me. (TOR and the other XERONS rush off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. MOROK HEADQUARTERS. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE (LOBOS and the MOROK COMMANDER are in the Governor's office. The communications buzzer sounds...) LOBOS: Yes, armoury? MOROK GUARD: (OOV: over tannoy.) Yes sir? LOBOS: Well, what's happening? MOROK GUARD: (OOV: over tannoy.) We've been attacked - the weapons have gone. LOBOS: What?! Stay there - I'll send extra men. MOROK GUARD: (OOV: over tannoy.) No, the barracks have been wiped out, the Xerons have got them... (The MOROK GUARD suddenly gives out a cry of pain and the communicator cuts out. LOBOS desperately tries to re-connect.) LOBOS: Hello? Hello? This is Governor Lobos! (LOBOS gives up and, picking up a small case, starts to pack his papers.) LOBOS: We'll still get away. I've got a ship standing by at the launching port. (The MOROK COMMANDER briefly checks in the corridor.) MOROK COMMANDER: What about the aliens? LOBOS: All this trouble started when they arrived. Kill them! (They make their way over to the preparation room. The COMMANDER pulls open the sliding door and they enter.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. MOROK HEADQUARTERS. PREPARATION ROOM (The four travellers jump to their feet as the two MOROKS walk in, their guns raised. Behind them TOR and the XERONS can be seen through the open door running into the Governor's office.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. MOROK HEADQUARTERS. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE TOR: Lobos! (The XERON'S aim and fire...) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. MOROK HEADQUARTERS. PREPARATION ROOM (The travellers duck down as the two MOROKS fall to the ground. VICKI rushes out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. MOROK HEADQUARTERS. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE VICKI: Tor! TOR: Vicki! VICKI: Oh, marvellous! Oh, thank you! (She turns round. The others have followed her out and, freed from their future as exhibits, stand there smiling.) DOCTOR: (Laughs.) The future doesn't look too bad after all, does it? Mmm? (He laughs again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: EXT. MUSEUM ENTRANCE (TOR supervises the XERONS as they carry the exhibits out of the museum. VICKI watches. Two XERONS carry out a large piece of machinery. TOR points in one direction.) TOR: Take that straight through. VICKI: (Whispering.) Where's that going? Where's that going? TOR: (Quietly.) Well, that's just going anywhere. VICKI: Oh... (He points in another direction to another XERON. Another exits and he points him in the direction taken by the first two.) TOR: (Sighs.) All this ... (The last XERON walks past IAN and BARBARA who are stood outside the TARDIS watching the proceedings.) BARBARA: Well, it didn't take them long to dismantle the museum, did it? IAN: No! Well, it must be quite a feeling getting your own planet back. (The DOCTOR comes out of the TARDIS.) DOCTOR: Well, there you both are, hmm? (He holds up a small valve-like piece of apparatus and hands it over to IAN.) DOCTOR: That's it! That's the little thing that's been giving us all this dimensional trouble. Hmm! IAN: Just that? DOCTOR: (Laughs.) You know, it's a funny thing how it happened - it got stuck. I don't know whether you've gone into a room and switched on the light and had to wait a second or two before the thing lit itself up, hmm? BARBARA: Yes, I have. I think most people have. DOCTOR: Well, this is the same kind of problem, you see. We, er, landed on a separate time track, wandered around a bit, and until this little thing clicked itself into place, we hadn't...actually arrived, Hmm! (Laughs.) IAN: Oh, well, thanks very much for explaining it. DOCTOR: Not at all, my dear boy, anytime, anytime! Hmm! (BARBARA and IAN smile.) IAN: Yes, er, (Coughs.) well, er, do you want it back? DOCTOR: Er, yes, er, please, yes. Er, I wondered if you'd mind taking it in for me? Inside the ship, thank you. (To BARBARA.) I just want to fetch Vicki. BARBARA: Yes. (BARBARA follows IAN into the TARDIS as the DOCTOR walks over to TOR and VICKI.) DOCTOR: There, now, er... VICKI: But, Tor, surely it doesn't all have to be destroyed. Can't you use any of it? TOR: Oh, we only want on Xeros what belongs to Xeros, Vicki. The rest will be broken up. DOCTOR: Yes, I think I can quite understand your sentiments, young man. But you know, you mustn't, er, lose sight of...science altogether. You might need it. TOR: Oh, yes Doctor. (IAN and BARBARA come out of the TARDIS.) IAN: Doctor, what is that extraordinary thing you've got in the TARDIS? DOCTOR: Ah, that my boy, yes. Well, that I got from the space museum. (He laughs.) IAN: Ah. DOCTOR: This young man here, Tor, very kindly gave it to me as a souvenir. IAN: A souvenir? Ha! Couldn't you get something a little smaller? (The smile disappears off the DOCTOR'S face. He steps forward, his voice rising in anger.) DOCTOR: My dear Chesterton, I don't think I have to ask your permission for what I take in my ship, and another thing, I will not have... BARBARA: (Interrupting hastily.) Oh no, Doctor, of course you don't. But, er, what is it? It looks terribly interesting. DOCTOR: (Mollified.) Yes, well, er, as a matter of fact, my dear, it's what they call a "Time and Space Visualiser." (Laughs gently.) You know, I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw it in the space museum. Hmm! But I have an idea I can get it working again. IAN: Yes Doctor, but what exactly does it do? DOCTOR: You will see, you will see! All in good time! Hmm hmm! (He turns to VICKI.) Now then, have you said your good-byes? TOR: Yes, er, thank you Doctor. Your party made our revolution a success. DOCTOR: Splendid, splendid. Well now, I think we must get moving, er, goodbye young man. TOR: Goodbye Doctor. DOCTOR: Goodbye Tor. Come along, my child, come along. (He walks off towards the TARDIS.) TOR: Goodbye Vicki. VICKI: Goodbye Tor. (VICKI goes to the TARDIS, turning in the doorway to wave goodbye. TOR waves back. The TARDIS dematerialises...) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: SPACE (In a distant galaxy...on a crater filled planet...) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. CONTROL ROOM (The travellers departure has been observed. A DALEK glides up to a control panel and observes the readings. It turns to a communicator.) FIRST DALEK: Our greatest enemies have left the planet Xeros. They are once again in time and space. SECOND DALEK: (OOV: over tannoy.) They cannot escape! Our time machine will soon follow them. They will be exterminated! Exterminated! Exterminated!

Plan: A: a time track; Q: What does the TARDIS jump? A: the planet Xeros; Q: Where do the travelers arrive? A: their own future selves; Q: Who do the travelers discover in the museum? A: exhibits; Q: What are the Doctor and his companions displayed as in the museum? A: the warlike Morok invaders; Q: Who rules the planet Xeros? A: Vicki; Q: Who helps the Xerons revolt against the Moroks? A: the native Xerons; Q: Who does Vicki help revolt against the Moroks? A: arms; Q: What does Vicki help the Xerons obtain? A: their way; Q: The travelers go on ________. Summary: The TARDIS jumps a time track and the travellers arrive on the planet Xeros. There they discover their own future selves displayed as exhibits in a museum established as a monument to the galactic conquests of the warlike Morok invaders who now rule the planet. When time shifts back to normal, they realise that they must do everything they can to avert this potential future. Vicki helps the native Xerons obtain arms and revolt against the Moroks. The revolution succeeds and the travellers go on their way, confident that the future has been changed.

3.14 - Swan Song OPEN AT ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Lorelai, Rory, and Emily are eating dinner] EMILY: And then she just brushed me off with a wave of her regal hand. Not even a word, just a. . .like I'm her cabana boy. Next thing you know, instead of just walking out of the room, she'll make me bow and back out. Imperious attitude, she never gives it a rest. I schlepped her to the doctor the other day – by command, not request – and the elevator operator there greeted us nice and friendly. Her doctor's on the second floor and by the time we got there, that operator was in tears. LORELAI: Whew. EMILY: What? LORELAI: Well, Mom, you just did twenty straight minutes on Gran. EMILY: It wasn't twenty minutes. RORY: It was getting there. LORELAI: How about a moratorium on the Gran stories for a bit? EMILY: Fine. I'd rather not spoil the meal with talk of her. LORELAI: Good. EMILY: I should just wash my hands. LORELAI: Okay. RORY: We'll wait. EMILY: I mean of her. LORELAI: Oh, good, wash those hands. EMILY: She sucks her olive pits. LORELAI: Short moratorium. EMILY: Trying to extract every last ounce of flavor out of them like she does people. LORELAI: She sucks flavor out of people? RORY: Can we change the subject? EMILY: Life, not flavor. LORELAI: Hey, you know what Gran needs? EMILY: What? LORELAI: A fella. RORY: With or without an umbrella. EMILY: He'd have to look like an olive pit to get her attention. LORELAI: It's like a Dean Martin Roast. RORY: Those are never funny to me. LORELAI: Yeah, they're mean. RORY: Except for Don Rickles. LORELAI: Totally except for Rickles. EMILY: I think she did have a man for a time squiring her around to her biddy affairs. Richard thought so, too, and it horrified him. LORELAI: Didn't want a new Daddy, huh? EMILY: And then he seemed suddenly out of the picture. RORY: So Great Grandma never talked about him? EMILY: Never. Even though I could tell practically the day she stopped seeing him. Those kinds of things are always obvious. RORY: Yeah, I guess. EMILY: When a couple is in a relationship and then suddenly isn't. RORY: Right. LORELAI: Right. RORY: Is she still looking? LORELAI: Yup. RORY: Right. Um, you know, Grandma, did I mention that unfortunately I'm not with Dean anymore? EMILY: No, you didn't. RORY: Well, I'm not. EMILY: Well, yes, I've known for weeks actually. But it's good that you confirmed it. RORY: How did you know? EMILY: Well, you very abruptly stopped mentioning him eleven dinners ago, so I figured that was the case. LORELAI: Eleven dinners, you kept count? EMILY: Eleven. LORELAI: Eleven. RORY: Well, I'm sorry I didn't tell you Grandma. EMILY: Well, I think you should have. I mean, what if I had invited Dean to an event and you were no longer with him, and that's how I found out? It would've been embarrassing. LORELAI: What sort of event would you have invited Dean to? EMILY: I don't know, a wedding. LORELAI: For who? EMILY: A mutual friend or something. LORELAI: You and Dean have mutual friends in common that Rory and I don't? Who would that be, the Talbotts or that senior partner at Deloite and Touche? EMILY: You know what I meant. It's always best to tell each other major life events so that there's no awkwardness. RORY: Well, then, Grandma, I probably also failed to mention that I'm seeing someone else. EMILY: Who? RORY: Jess. EMILY: Jess? LORELAI: Luke's nephew. Luke from the diner. EMILY: Oh, I see. Well, am I going to get to meet him soon? RORY: Oh, I don't know. LORELAI: Yeah, Mom, that might be hard to arrange. EMILY: Well, how hard can it be? Just bring him over for dinner sometime. How about next Friday? RORY: Oh, I don't know. LORELAI: Uh, yeah, Mom, that might be hard to arrange. EMILY: It's perfect timing. Richard will still be out of town and it would be nice to round off the group with a fourth. LORELAI: He works Fridays, doesn't he? RORY: Yeah, that's his usual night. Friday night. It's a bad night. EMILY: Oh, okay. Well, I suppose I'll eventually meet him someday at some function. LORELAI: Perhaps a wedding. EMILY: Or Rory's graduation. That's good. That way we'll all get to meet him at once. Myself, Richard, Gran. Maybe I'll bring a couple of girls from the DAR. Reverend Mahoney might like to come also. RORY: You know what, Grandma, now that I think about it, I think Jess does have next Friday night off. EMILY: Really? RORY: Let's make it a foursome. EMILY: That'll be nice. RORY: Yeah, it will be nice, right Grandma? EMILY: Very nice. We'll have lamb. RORY: So, it will be nice for everybody? Everybody will be nice to everybody? The key word being nice. EMILY: Yes, very nice. RORY: Really, really nice? EMILY: Of course it'll be nice. That's what I just said. RORY: Good. Nice would be nice. EMILY: And a nice night it'll be. LORELAI: Well, not so nice for the lamb. [opening credits] CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai and Rory are sitting at the kitchen table] LORELAI: Okay, Saturday morning I've got hair appointment, nails, and Jim. RORY: You don't go to the gym. LORELAI: No, Jim is coming here to fix the garbage disposal. RORY: Jim Dunning, got it. LORELAI: I also have resha plebisham. RORY: What? LORELAI: I don't know, I can't read it. RORY: Shouldn't you change your system, go electronic or something? You're a busy woman. LORELAI: Uh, hey, my system works. RORY: Yeah, tell that to the guy who calls tomorrow because you missed your resha plebisham appointment. LORELAI: I hate that we have to coordinate schedules. You're my daughter. RORY: But if we don't, we may never see each other. LORELAI: We didn't use to have to do this. RORY: Well, we're busier now. LORELAI: Let's just run away together and leave all this behind. RORY: You mean our house? LORELAI: No, we'll take the house, we'll leave everything else. RORY: Put it on your list. LORELAI: So what's your day like tomorrow? RORY: Hanging out with Jess for most of the day, studying at night. LORELAI: Cool. Alex and I are having dinner tomorrow night. RORY: Good. That'll make it nice and quiet for when I study. LORELAI: I'm that loud? RORY: You are when you dance around singing ‘Rory's Studying' songs. LORELAI: Oh, what's this I have down for Sunday – slatha bang trafficking? RORY: Lane's band practicing. LORELAI: And underneath it – net fracks? RORY: Get snacks. LORELAI: Right – for the band. See, see, it works. So, uh, you're actually bringing Jess to dinner on Friday? RORY: It's as good a time as any. There'll only be one grandparent to contend with. LORELAI: Man, that was some stealthy little maneuver she pulled there, huh? Applying the guilt over not knowing about the Dean breakup and making you all weak, and then using that to get Jess to come to dinner on Friday. She's like Lyndon Johnson with the Senate, effortless. RORY: So, Sunday's for us, right? LORELAI: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have you down right here – Cokie. RORY: Good. Hey, it's still early. Do you wanna watch more of the extra supplementary stuff on the Lord of the Rings DVD? LORELAI: Well, it's just the drawings and that fat guy talking. RORY: Well, let's watch Footloose again. LORELAI: Yeah. RORY: Hey, you dropped some of your notes. LORELAI: Oh, who cares? You can't read them anyway. CUT TO TOWN SQUARE [Rory and Jess are sitting on a bench looking at a book] RORY: Do you love it? JESS: It's great. RORY: The Holy Barbarians. I mean, what a title. And it's by a Venice Beach beatnik about Venice Beach beatniks, and to top it off, the beatnik who wrote it is the father of the guy that does those Actor's Studio interviews on TV. JESS: The guy with the beard? RORY: Yeah, the pointy beard. That's his dad writing at his desk. JESS: Oh, it's weird that a weird beatnik-y guy would have a conservative son like that. RORY: Maybe he's not that conservative. Maybe at night, he, like, takes off his clothes and parties. JESS: Aw, man, now get that picture out of my head. RORY: It's a cool book, you've gotta admit. JESS: It is. Thanks. RORY: Oh, I'm not lending it. I'm not done. JESS: Well, why'd you show it to me? RORY: I like showing you the stuff I'm reading. JESS: But you knew I'd wanna read it. You're a book tease. RORY: You'll get it when I'm done. JESS: Cruel woman. RORY: So, are you going to work now? JESS: Back to the salt mines. RORY: So, you're not tied to the hours you have, right? You can trade if you want to. JESS: There's some flexibility. RORY: You got any flexibility next Friday night? JESS: Yeah, why? RORY: I thought maybe you could come to dinner with us. JESS: Us? RORY: To my Grandma's. JESS: To meet your grandmother. RORY: Yeah, she'll be there, so yeah, it might be rude not to introduce the two of you. JESS: I can't, I gotta work. RORY: You just said you could get out. JESS: I didn't know what for. RORY: Jess. JESS: No. RORY: But I already kind of agreed. JESS: Aw, man. RORY: So I'm kinda jammed here. JESS: Does she know what I look like? RORY: I don't think so. JESS: Perfect. Find someone who vaguely resembles me. Take him. Just don't kiss him goodnight. RORY: That's not going to work. JESS: Andy Warhol did it all the time. [Rory gives him the book] We're just five bucks away from a deal. RORY: [kisses him] That's worth five at least. JESS: You Gilmores think a lot of yourselves. Okay. RORY: Thank you, thank you, thank you. JESS: Manipulator. [They both walk away in opposite directions. Rory walks past the dance studio as Miss Patty walks out] MISS PATTY: Rory, get in here. RORY: What? MISS PATTY: Get in here now. No questions. RORY: Okay. [they walk into the dance studio. Rory sits down next to Dean.] MISS PATTY: Okay, now, for those who just arrived, I'm trying out some material for my one-woman show and I need some feedback. You are my randomly picked audience. DEAN: Randomly shang-hai'ed. MISS PATTY: It's part stories, part songs. Kind of like what Elaine Stritch did on Broadway, but without the bitterness. My working title – "Buckle Up, I'm Patty." RORY: How long have you been here? DEAN: An hour. RORY: Poor thing. DEAN: It's been mostly her and Kirk arguing about stuff. Apparently, he's the director. KIRK: Patty, let's try one of your reminisces. MISS PATTY: That's what I'm looking for, Kirk. DEAN: Sorry I didn't save you. I didn't see you until it was too late. RORY: I don't think anybody could've saved me. MISS PATTY: Okay, here we go. Hey, did you know that I once met the great Bette Davis? I was a chorus girl in a bus-and-truck tour of "Guys and Dolls." Beantown, I love that town. And there I was, me and the girls backstage after the show, and in she comes. And who does she walk right up to, but little old me. And she sized me up, exhaled some smoke from that regal mouth of hers, and said, "Doll, you don't got the high notes but you sure got the gams." I'll always treasure that moment with Bette and I wanna dedicate this song to her. Uh, Ethel, key a D. KIRK: We're gonna have to rewrite that. MISS PATTY: What? KIRK: It got no response. It needs a rewrite. MISS PATTY: Kirk, it's my reminiscence. I can't rewrite it. KIRK: How about if she says, "Doll, you've got the gams, but I've got a body in the trunk of my car." MISS PATTY: Why would she say that? KIRK: Because she's a murderer. I think it works. MISS PATTY: I'm not rewriting my memories, Kirk. KIRK: It died. Build a coffin for it, put some pennies on its eyes ‘cause that stiff ain't breathing. MISS PATTY: Well, I think that we should discuss this later, now go back to your light booth. KIRK: Fine, start the song. MISS PATTY: [sings] It's a quarter of three, there is no one in the place, except you and me. [strobe light starts flashing] Kirk, would you fix this? KIRK: Fix what? MISS PATTY: This flashing. KIRK: That's my choice for the song. MISS PATTY: It's disco. KIRK: I'm trying to subvert expectations. MISS PATTY: Well, don't. Just give me a simple spot. KIRK: Something more obvious, got it. RORY: This is a hit. DEAN: It'll run for years. KIRK: Something on the nose and expected, got it. MISS PATTY: Kirk! CUT TO OUTSIDE [Later that night, Rory and Dean walk out of the dance studio] RORY: It was nice of you to step in like that. DEAN: Well, she could've hurt herself trying to throw the podium at him like that. RORY: I think "work in progress" is the key phrase. DEAN: I like that she tries. RORY: The woman taught me everything I've already forgotten about dancing, baton twirling and gymnastics. DEAN: Well, I'm this way. RORY: I'm this way. DEAN: See you later. RORY: See ya. DEAN: You know, I kind of liked the body in the trunk thing. RORY: Me, too. Peppier. DEAN: Night. RORY: Night. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Rory is studying on the couch when she hears a noise outside. She walks to the door and opens it. Lorelai and Alex are kissing on the front porch] RORY: Oh, sorry. LORELAI: It's okay. ALEX: It's okay. RORY: I can just shut the door so you can carry on. ALEX: No, we've carried on enough. LORELAI: Yeah, I think we've carried on pretty good out here. I'll call you about the weekend. ALEX: Okay. LORELAI: Bye. ALEX: Bye. Bye Rory. RORY: Goodnight. [Alex leaves. Lorelai walks into the house] RORY: We need a signal. LORELAI: A kissing signal? RORY: Something to avoid this. LORELAI: Okay, um, how ‘bout I shoot off a flare when I'm outside necking with a boy? RORY: You know what I mean. LORELAI: Or I could bang on the door and yell, "Hey, we're necking out here!" RORY: I still say we need a signal. LORELAI: We'll think of something. Hey, listen. Alex and I were talking about going to New York next weekend. RORY: Fun. LORELAI: Yeah. He's got four tickets to a show and he's heard me talk about Sookie and Jackson so much that he wants to invite them, too. RORY: It's not "Buckle Up, I'm Patty," is it? LORELAI: Huh? RORY: Nothing. LORELAI: We'd have to leave Friday day. RORY: So? LORELAI: Meaning it's just you and Jess alone at dinner with the glorious Emily. RORY: Oh, that's totally fine. LORELAI: Are you sure? RORY: Yeah, it might even make things easier. LORELAI: What does that mean? RORY: Nothing. Just, it might make it less pressure-packed. LORELAI: So I'm loud when you study and make social gatherings worse? RORY: Out of the goodness of your heart, you would be trying to shield me all night, and that might makes things worse. Out of love. And I love you, I hope you know that. [phone rings] LORELAI: Okay, I think I get it. I have the best intentions. RORY: Bingo. [answers phone] Hello? JESS: Hey. RORY: Hey. How was work? JESS: I toted the barge, lifted the bale. RORY: Well, you're a great barge toter, I can attest to that. JESS: How was your day? RORY: Fine. A lot of studying. JESS: Oh yeah? Is that all you did? RORY: Yeah, basically. JESS: Basically? RORY: Jess, what? JESS: I heard that you were basically hanging out with Dean today. RORY: Where did you hear that? JESS: It's all over town. RORY: Well, I was with him for awhile. What do you mean, it's all over town? JESS: You haven't seen the fliers? RORY: I've been home all night. What fliers? JESS: It says, "People are already raving about Miss Patty's one woman show." RORY: And? JESS: There's some blurbs. One says, "Rory and Dean couldn't stop talking about it." RORY: We're on a flier? JESS: You and a bunch of others. "The mailman says, even without proper postage, this show delivers." RORY: Well, now she's making that up ‘cause Ralph's not that witty. JESS: Were you hanging out there with Dean? RORY: I was not hanging out with Dean. We were both hauled in there to watch her try out material and we were sitting in the same area so we talked a little, and then we left at the same time. That was it. It was all by accident. JESS: Yeah? RORY: This is an old subject, Jess. You know that Dean and I are friendly. JESS: I know you're friendly. That doesn't mean I don't wanna punch him. RORY: This was not a plan. I was kidnapped by Miss Patty, so was he, that's it. JESS: Then you two should press charges. RORY: I think we should. JESS: Just – RORY: What? JESS: Just tell me these things first so I don't have to read about them on telephone poles. RORY: I will, I promise. JESS: Okay. RORY: Okay. JESS: So, how was the show? RORY: It's gonna need a lot of postage. JESS: Why does it say, "Not in any way affiliated with Kirk" down at the bottom? RORY: Oh, they had a showbiz spat. JESS: Fill me in. CUT TO LORELAI'S KITCHEN [Lorelai gets out snacks for the band, who are sitting at the table] LORELAI: Help yourselves to drinks in the fridge, guys. We've got chips, pretzels, and Brian, I remembered your allergies and got you the melba toast. BRIAN: That's nice, thanks. DAVE: We got a lot done today. LANE: We've almost got a full set. ZACH: But you know what we're missing? A straight-ahead love song. BRIAN: Yeah, all our songs are pretty much about property destruction and a general dislike of right-wing causes. LORELAI: Not one love song, huh? DAVE: I think we can add one or two, that are good ones. LORELAI: Boy, you'd think love songs are all you and Lane would wanna play. ZACH: Man, this crunch just now sounded like the drum-fill in Baba O'Reilly. LANE: Cool, way to go Zach. DAVE: Yeah, Zach, a musical mouth. That's awesome. ZACH: But why would Dave and Lane wanna play just love songs? LORELAI: Because, I was just thinking, you know, with Dave's name – Dave – you've got the last two letters in love. V, E. And with Lane's name, you have the L. You can just dump the A and add an O and there you go. ZACH: Makes sense. BRIAN: Totally. We should probably start breaking stuff down. I gotta get home for dinner. ZACH: One day soon, you're not gonna go home from dinner. BRIAN: What, I'll be dead? ZACH: No, we'll be on tour. BRIAN: Right, right. ZACH: That was a negative "right, right," man. [Zach and Brian go outside] LORELAI: Guys, I'm so sorry. It just slipped out. LANE: That's okay. DAVE: Luckily Zach and Brian are. . .well, Zach and Brian. LORELAI: How long are you gonna keep it a secret? LANE: For awhile, at least. It's easier. LORELAI: Are you sure it would be so bad if they knew? I mean, keeping this a secret seems awfully complicated. LANE: Not really, we've got a system. DAVE: Um, speaking of which, it's 3:18. We'll have the stuff packed by 3:40, what's the situation? LANE: At 3:40, my mom will be on her way to the yarn store for her bimonthly sew-a-thon with Lacey Schwartz and Bick Ho. DAVE: The yarn store's on Peach. LANE: Plum. DAVE: That cuts us off from our usually route to the interstate. LANE: There's a back road that circles around it, but it's gonna be muddy from the rains. DAVE: How about I have the guys take the usual route, I'll go by foot on Peach, down the alley behind Al's, over the fence, and they can pick me up a half a mile down by the Shell station. LANE: Perfect. Uh, what, that's not complicated. LORELAI: Sorry I doubted you. LANE: Well, okay, then. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai walks in] LORELAI: Hey. LUKE: Hey. Coffee? LORELAI: Please, and hurry. I am going to Manhattan this weekend and I need to shop for some warm clothes. LUKE: You already have warm clothes. LORELAI: I have nothing. LUKE: We're in Connecticut. It gets freezing here same as in New York. LORELAI: No, it's not the same. LUKE: Exactly the same. LORELAI: Well, I have nothing stylish enough. LUKE: That's not true, you got the black cashmere coat. LORELAI: But it needs cleaning. LUKE: So clean it. LORELAI: But I need some sweaters, too. LUKE: You've got the purple, you've got the powder blue, you've got three shades of red, you've got a ton of black, all of which will go with that coat. Plus, you've got a dozen scarves to mix and match with any of those tops. LORELAI: Let me shop for some clothes. LUKE: Okay. So what are you doing in New York? LORELAI: Oh, a bunch of us are going. It'll be dinner and a show. LUKE: Oh, what show? LORELAI: Levittown, it's a new musical. LUKE: Right, yeah. It's in previews, doesn't officially open for a couple weeks. LORELAI: Wow, so informed. LUKE: Nicole likes the theater. Her firm has an office on Madison. I've met her there a couple times. Saw Hairspray last week. LORELAI: I cannot picture you watching Hairspray. LUKE: It was okay. I liked The Producers better. LORELAI: Well, aren't we just a Broadway baby. LUKE: Gonna have any time to kill there? LORELAI: Some. LUKE: Got a great book, it has walking tours of old historic Manhattan. You know, before Disney got a hold of it. The Soho one's pretty good. LORELAI: Oh, I love stuff like that. LUKE: It's upstairs on my dresser if you wanna run up and grab it. LORELAI: Cool, thanks. [Cut to upstairs. Lorelai walks into Luke's apartment and finds Rory and Jess kissing on the couch] LORELAI: Oh, oh! RORY: Mom! LORELAI: Surprise. RORY: What are you doing here? LORELAI: I came up for a book. JESS: A book? LORELAI: Yeah. JESS: Got a lot of books here. Anything in particular? LORELAI: It's one of Luke's. JESS: Well, if it doesn't have Encyclopedia Brown in the title, that narrows it down a lot. LORELAI: Walking tours, New York. JESS: On the table. [hands her the book] LORELAI: Good, here it is, okay, so, thanks. Sorry about this. RORY: It's okay. LORELAI: We should probably come up with a system or something. RORY: Probably. LORELAI: Déjà vu, huh? RORY: Déjà vu. LORELAI: Although, why I'd be walking into Luke's apartment like this in the future, I don't know, so put the system on the back burner. JESS: Okay. LORELAI: Mmkay. Carry on, or. . .see ya. [Lorelai walks back down to the diner] LORELAI: Dude! LUKE: Hey. Find it okay? LORELAI: Yeah. I found everything -- including a couple coupling. LUKE: Oh, Rory and Jess? LORELAI: No, Ben and J. Lo. Yes, Rory and Jess. LUKE: I guess I should've told you. LORELAI: You knew they were up there? LUKE: They're up there all the time. LORELAI: On the couch. . .horizontal, on the couch? LUKE: They come up for air every so often. LORELAI: And you just allow this? Luke! LUKE: Settle down. I go up there every ten minutes pretending to get something to keep them from doing something we don't want. "Oops, I forgot my pocketknife." "Oops, uh, I'm out of ones." "Uh, hey, you see a case of mustard up here?" I put the stuff in a box. I take the box upstairs every couple days and start all over again. LORELAI: And you think that suffices? LUKE: Look, it's better that they're safe and upstairs than someplace else. And you going up there just now saved me a trip, so thanks. LORELAI: Glad to be of service. LUKE: I got a good system, it works. LORELAI: Every ten minutes? LUKE: Like clockwork, never a minute more. LORELAI: Even if you're serving a customer, it's every ten minutes? LUKE: If I'm in mid-pour, I stop and go up. LORELAI: Ten minutes. Yeah, that's pretty much the time it took to create Rory. And that included getting dressed and freshening my lipstick. LUKE: What? LORELAI: Thanks for the book. LUKE: Caesar, cover for me. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Rory walks toward the staircase] LORELAI: [from upstairs] Rory? RORY: I'm coming. LORELAI: Toute de suite, and I don't mean the candy. [Rory walks into Lorelai's bedroom] RORY: Okay, what's the packing crisis? LORELAI: That's the thing. I have no packing crisis. For the first time in my life, there is no packing crisis. See? This has never happened to me before. I'm all packed, ready to go, and fully confident that I have everything I'll need or desire. RORY: So you're creating a crisis out of nostalgia? LORELAI: No, see, Alex and I talked about everything we plan to do and how he expected to dress and how I expected to dress, and we coordinated to the point where I knew each piece of clothing I had to bring, down to the Spice Girls necklace I plan to wear Saturday morning for breakfast because we agreed to keep it a little whimsical. RORY: So, not your Jonas Salk necklace? LORELAI: I'm trying to become as good a planner as you. RORY: So, what's the problem? LORELAI: I have no idea what to wear on the drive. I wanna look good, obviously, but not too good that it steps on my night outfit, and I also wanna be comfortable. RORY: What's he wearing, a jogging suit? LORELAI: Yeah, and then after, he and Paulie are hitting the Bada Bing. RORY: Your point being, it's probably not a running suit. LORELAI: Right. RORY: And tonight's a dress? LORELAI: And, uh, my cashmere coat and a hat. RORY: Your stretchy jeans and your Bunnyranch T-shirt. LORELAI: Comfort and raunch, I love it. Good. So, um, how are you guys working the logistics tonight? RORY: I am going to study at school, then I'm going straight to Grandma's from there. Jess is driving straight from work, and then he's driving me home. LORELAI: Home? Home here? RORY: Yeah, he's gonna drop me off here. LORELAI: Well, I guess that makes sense. RORY: I thought so. LORELAI: Although, hm, I don't know. RORY: What? LORELAI: Are you sure that's the best way to do it? RORY: Yeah, why? LORELAI: Well, it just means you're coming home to an empty house. RORY: Well, that's your doing, not mine. LORELAI: Yeah, but it might be kind of lonely here. Did you think about staying at Mom's? RORY: Overnight? LORELAI: Yeah. They've got those fancy beds that don't sag, and you're guaranteed a great Norma Desmond style breakfast the next morning. You don't have school, it works out perfectly. RORY: I'd rather just come home. LORELAI: Okay, sure. But, you know, staying at your grandmother's would also mean that Jess wouldn't have to go out of his way at the end of the night to drop you off. It would be much more convenient for him. RORY: Our house is two-tenths of a mile out of his way. LORELAI: Are you sure he's gonna have enough gas? RORY: I'll make sure. LORELAI: But if you can't get a hold of him, it might be safer to plan on staying at Mom's. I mean, if you run out of gas, you're stuck. And at the mercy of the Orcs. RORY: Mom, why are you so freaked? LORELAI: This is not freaked. RORY: Is it because you won't be here and he will? LORELAI: Uh, it might've crossed my mind. RORY: And what are you worried about happening? LORELAI: Well, what you guys were on the on-ramp for up at Luke's the other day. Your basic boy/girl stuff. Especially with this new boy, you girl stuff. RORY: Well, the boy is different, but I'm still me. That hasn't changed. LORELAI: Yeah, I know. RORY: And I have so much on my mind, so many things going on in my life, that I don't ever have time to think about that. LORELAI: No thinking at all? RORY: None, I swear. LORELAI: Mmhmm, sure, sure. RORY: And we talk about everything together, you and me, remember? So it's not like something will happen that you won't know about. LORELAI: Good. [doorbell rings] That's Alex. Come on. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Emily and Rory are sitting in the living room] EMILY: You know, you didn't have to change. RORY: Well, I feel kind of dumb being in my uniform when I'm not in school. EMILY: But you look darling in it. I'm going to miss it when you go to college. RORY: Yeah, I am, too, in a way. I mean, I like not having to think about what I'm going to wear. EMILY: And you'll have plenty of years to stress yourself out about that. RORY: I'm sorry he's late. EMILY: We're fine. Dinner will keep. RORY: I know how you like things to be punctual. EMILY: There was a big tie-up on the 84 earlier. He's probably smack dab in the middle of that. Why don't you try him on his cell phone, see what's going on. RORY: He doesn't have one. EMILY: Really? RORY: He doesn't believe in them. EMILY: Well, I find that refreshing. Technology is encroaching too fast on every aspect of life, if you ask me. It's getting to the point where people will want robots to carry them from place to place. [the doorbell rings] There he is. [they walk to the door. Jess is standing on the porch with a black eye] RORY: What – JESS: Sorry I'm late. EMILY: Oh, that's all right. Come in, come in. It's cold out. RORY: Um, Grandma, this is Jess. Jess, my grandmother. EMILY: Nice to meet you. JESS: Same here. RORY: Uh, what happened to your eye? JESS: It's a long story, I don't wanna bore you. EMILY: Oh, this is new? RORY: Brand new. EMILY: It looks bad. Does it hurt? JESS: I'm fine. RORY: Is it why you were late? JESS: No, 84 was jammed. EMILY: We knew that, too. There was something with a big rig. Oh, those things, they scare the life out of me. And apparently, all the men who drive them are hopped up on bennies and goofballs. Come, come, have a seat at the table. I'll go check on dinner. [walks away] JESS: Shouldn't we go with her? RORY: Were you in a fight? JESS: Dinner's waiting. RORY: Jess, were you in a fight? JESS: I told you, it's a long story, I don't wanna talk about it. RORY: Why? JESS: Look, Rory, I'm already in a crappy mood. Traffic sucked. Traffic I hit going to a function I didn't particularly wanna go to. And I'm thirsty. And I'm hungry. So let's eat. [they walk to the dining room] JESS: So do we eat standing up? RORY: Over there. [they sit at the table. Emily walks into the room] EMILY: The roast looks perfect. Oh, Jess, you eat meat, I hope. I forgot to ask. JESS: I'm a carnivore. EMILY: Good. I don't see how anybody can resist eating meat. JESS: It's why we have teeth. EMILY: That's how I feel. Dinner parties used to be simple. Now every time we give one, I have to run my menu down with every person on the list. It's tiring. This one eats just about anything. RORY: Grandma. EMILY: I'm sorry, but the way you and your mother eat, and those slim figures of yours – it's a medical marvel. JESS: They should be studied. RORY: I don't think so. EMILY: So, Rory tells me you're part of the Wal-Mart corporation. JESS: Only out of necessity. EMILY: They sound like wonderful stores. JESS: Oh, yeah, I wanna be buried there. EMILY: We've never actually been inside one, but we own the stock. JESS: Thanks for the paycheck. EMILY: Oh, that's very funny. RORY: Did you just get it? JESS: Huh? RORY: The eye – did it just happen? JESS: You know, we should eat these salads so the roast doesn't get cold. RORY: I mean, it must be sometime between nine last night and now. EMILY: Hm? RORY: His eye. JESS: Yeah, it was sometime in there. RORY: But you can't narrow it down? JESS: Rory, come on. EMILY: Oh my God, there's no salt and pepper on this table. We'll need it for the meat. These people are supposed to be trained before I get them, but God knows that's never the case. [leaves room] JESS: What is your problem? RORY: You're not telling me the truth, that's my problem. JESS: I don't wanna get into it here. RORY: And it's obvious why. JESS: Oh, is it? RORY: You got into a fight with Dean. JESS: Unbelievable. RORY: Is that it? JESS: It always comes back to Dean. RORY: Because you bring it there. JESS: You brought up Dean. RORY: Because you got into a fight with him. JESS: Why are you pressing this? Why? I'm trying to make some kind of quasi-positive impression on your grandmother per your request and you're forcing me to do otherwise. And what the hell are raisins doing in a salad? Why can't people leave well enough alone? RORY: Well, in that whole speech, I didn't hear you deny it. [Emily walks back into the room] EMILY: We've got great choices on the prime rib. How do you like your prime rib, Jess? JESS: Cooked. RORY: He's not picky, Grandma. EMILY: Good, that'll make it easier. So, what did I miss? JESS: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. RORY: Grandma, would it be all right if I speak to Jess for a second? We can go to the study. JESS: We're eating. RORY: Well, I want to talk. JESS: You're being a little rude to your grandmother, Rory. EMILY: I can leave the room for a minute if you want. RORY: No, Grandma, we'll be right back. [Rory and Jess walk to the study] RORY: I told you nothing happened at Patty's, but you just wouldn't believe it. You had to get into a fight with Dean tonight right before meeting my grandmother. This is a disaster. JESS: I did not get into a fight with Dean. RORY: Bull. JESS: Believe what you want. RORY: I'm going to find out eventually, so why keep it from me? JESS: What if Dean had sucker-punched me and I had to defend myself? You're not even considering the possibility that that's what happened? RORY: Dean wouldn't do that. JESS: Oh, no, he might get his big white Stetson dirty. RORY: You're being a jerk to my grandmother, too. JESS: Hey, I'm doing my best. If that means I'm being a jerk, then that's what I am. I didn't even wanna come. RORY: No one made you. JESS: You made me. Now I've seen it all. RORY: You embarrassed me in front of her. JESS: That's it, I've had it. RORY: So have I. JESS: If you're gonna harp on this, I'm leaving. RORY: Oh, great, so now I have to explain to my Grandma why my boyfriend who showed up a half-hour late with a black eye is walking out. JESS: Well, you like making up stories in your head so that should be easy for you. [they walk to the front door. Jess leaves. Emily walks up to Rory] EMILY: Is he fetching something from his car? RORY: I don't think so. EMILY: He left. RORY: Yeah, he left. EMILY: Well, you can take some prime rib back for him if you want. What do you say the girls have some dinner, huh? CUT TO NEW YORK [Lorelai, Alex, Sookie, and Jackson walk out of the theater] JACKSON: So, good, good show. LORELAI: Yeah, yeah. Alex, thank you for getting us those tickets. SOOKIE: Great production value. JACKSON: Oh, amazing. I mean, the way they do lighting on these things. SOOKIE: It's magical, it's magical. ALEX: This is the worst piece of crap I've ever seen. LORELAI: What? ALEX: I saw Moose Murders. This stinks worse. SOOKIE: I thought it was me. JACKSON: I was dying in there. LORELAI: Every song is the same. SOOKIE: The same two notes. LORELAI: How does that happen? SOOKIE: I feel so very bad. Yes, I feel so very sad. LORELAI: I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm mad. SOOKIE: I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm sad. JACKSON: I'm sorry – that's better, rent a theater. ALEX: Look, I say we hit a bar, get some drinks, continue plotting out this musical you guys are writing. LORELAI: Cool. We'll need pens and paper. SOOKIE: Just memorize it. I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm sad. JACKSON: We'll grab a cab. SOOKIE: Hey, that fits right in. [Sookie and Jackson walk away to hail a cab] LORELAI: You're nice. ALEX: I try. [Lorelai pulls out her cell phone] ALEX: Who are you expecting? LORELAI: Oh, Rory. I mean, not that I'm expecting a call because a call could mean something bad, so, um, not getting a call is probably best. ALEX: Probably. LORELAI: I'm just gonna give her a call. ALEX: You know, on the drive down here, you made me promise to stop you if you were gonna call Rory for the wrong reason. LORELAI: But I left the iron on. ALEX: She'll turn it off. LORELAI: She's got this boy. ALEX: I know. LORELAI: I shouldn't call her. ALEX: It's up to you. JACKSON: Hey guys, we got a cab, and the driver likes our song. LORELAI: Putting away phone now. ALEX: Good girl. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Rory is asleep in bed. Her cell phone rings and wakes her up] RORY: Hello? LORELAI: Good morning. RORY: Hey. It's early. Why are you calling so early? LORELAI: Oh, I don't know. I must've screwed up the time difference. What time is it there? RORY: The same time it is there. LORELAI: Ah, sorry. RORY: How's it going? LORELAI: Good. A lot of walking. We all had pizza at John's in the village and wrote a musical. RORY: Good for you. LORELAI: Then we picked the same Dean Martin song on the jukebox twenty-five times and people started complaining, so we picked the Bee Gees' "New York Mining Disaster" and they begged for Dean Martin back. RORY: Sounds fun. LORELAI: So, how'd the dinner go? RORY: Uh, not well. Far from well. LORELAI: What? RORY: I'm at Grandma's. LORELAI: You stayed the night? RORY: Yup. LORELAI: What did she do? Did she make you stay because she didn't want Jess to drive you home? She is so untrusting. And to ruin this dinner – I'm gonna kill her. RORY: No, Grandma was great. The whole time, even when Jess was late. LORELAI: You're kidding. RORY: She was a saint. Staying over was my idea. LORELAI: Why? RORY: Jess and I got into the most horrible fight of my life and it was. . .ugh. I can't even say. LORELAI: I don't believe this. RORY: He showed up with a big black eye. LORELAI: A black guy? RORY: Eye, a black eye. He got into a fight. LORELAI: With who, Dean? RORY: He wouldn't say, but yes, and he was all standoffish about it and things got worse and worse and he walked out. It was all horrible. LORELAI: Wow, honey. I'm sorry. Are you okay? RORY: I'm upset, but I'm okay. [Emily opens the door] EMILY: Oh, I thought I heard you up. How ‘bout some breakfast? RORY: Sure. EMILY: Is that Jess? RORY: No, it's Mom. LORELAI: Hey, put her on. RORY: She wants to talk to you. Bye. LORELAI: See ya tonight. [Rory hands Emily the phone, then leaves the room] EMILY: Hello? LORELAI: Mom, hi, listen. Rory kind of explained what happened last night, and how you were really great about it. I just wanted to thank you. I mean, I don't know all the details, but I'm sure it all could've been way worse, and you keeping your cool like that was really, really nice. Thanks. EMILY: How can you let your daughter be with that abominable thug? LORELAI: Mom – EMILY: First he arrives late, how disrespectful is that? Then he's rude to Rory, rude to me. LORELAI: Mom – EMILY: Oh, and that attitude – I wanted to slap that monosyllabic mouth of his. And God forbid they're in another accident together or his heap of a car breaks down and Lord Jim has decided cell phones are beneath him and they're stranded in the middle of nowhere. How can you let this happen? He had a black eye. He belongs in jail! CUT TO TOWN SQUARE [Dave, Zach, and Brian drive down the street and stop at a stop light. Dave turns off the car radio] ZACH: Yo, dude, that's disrespectful. DAVE: We're really early. Let's get something to eat. ZACH: Sure, what do we want? BRIAN: I've only got three bucks. ZACH: You always only got three bucks. What is it, you go to an ATM that only gives out three bucks at a time? DAVE: Let's just pick. BRIAN: Well, I'm sick of burgers, so if it could be a place that has more than burgers – ZACH: What do you want, like a three-dollar sushi place? BRIAN: It doesn't have to be sushi. [Dave sees Mrs. Kim walking toward them] DAVE: Guys, shut up and be cool. Don't say a thing. BRIAN: What, why? DAVE: Mrs. Kim, hello. MRS. KIM: David. ZACH: David? BRIAN: Mrs. Kim. You're Lane's mom? MRS. KIM: How do you know Lane? ZACH: She's a great dr – DAVE: Girl. We all think so. MRS. KIM: Who are you? What is all this, David? Who are all these unwashed boys? DAVE: Well, see, Zach and Brian here play in a combo with me when I don't play solo. MRS. KIM: A combo? DAVE: A Christian combo. MRS. KIM: Oh, good. With just a guitar it can sound thin. DAVE: Well, that's why we play music together. Uh, the light's turned, we should probably get – MRS. KIM: Wait, I want to warn you about something. DAVE: Yes? MRS. KIM: About Lane. She has a crush on you. DAVE: She does? MRS. KIM: I thought you should know. She's a good girl, but flighty sometimes. Be careful around her. I know you're a serious boy, I don't want you to be shocked. DAVE: Oh, no, thank you. I'll be very careful, I promise. MRS. KIM: Okay. Maybe I'll book your combo sometime, mix it up a little. DAVE: It would be our pleasure. Right, guys? ZACH: Yeah. BRIAN: Sure. MRS. KIM: Don't speed. [walks away] DAVE: Okay, so, uh, where do we wanna eat? CUT TO DOOSE'S MARKET [Rory walks up to Dean] RORY: Hey. DEAN: Hey there. Did you see those fliers? Apparently, I clicked my heels for joy after one of her songs. I don't remember that. RORY: Me neither. Can I talk to you for a sec? DEAN: Well, yeah, what's wrong? RORY: Dean, this whole friend thing with us isn't going to work if we're not honest with each other. DEAN: I agree. RORY: Okay, so, anything you wanna tell me? DEAN: Corn's two for a dollar? RORY: Jess has a black eye. DEAN: Oh yeah? RORY: Any idea where he got it? DEAN: That would be an extremely long list. RORY: It wasn't you? DEAN: It wasn't me. RORY: You swear? DEAN: I swear. Did he say it was me? RORY: No, he's not saying anything. He's less talkative than some. DEAN: Yeah, sorry, I have no idea. Look, I really don't like talking about – RORY: I know, sorry, I – DEAN: I should get back to work. RORY: Okay, thanks. DEAN: Sorry I couldn't solve the mystery. RORY: Me, too. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Luke is behind the counter, Jess walks down from upstairs] LUKE: Whoa. JESS: What? LUKE: You're Petey the dog. JESS: I prefer to not talk about this. LUKE: Is that why you snuck in last night? JESS: I did not sneak in. Now, could we get back to work here? LUKE: Fine, start clearing some stuff. So when'd you get into a fight with Dean? JESS: It wasn't a fight with Dean. LUKE: Whoa, where's that coming from? I just asked. JESS: What's with everybody making assumptions? I'm sick of it. LUKE: So it wasn't Dean. JESS: No. LUKE: When did it happen, yesterday? JESS: Yes. LUKE: You went to Rory's grandmother yesterday. She punch you? JESS: Stop. LUKE: Where'd you get it? JESS: Santa Claus. LUKE: So you're not gonna tell me? JESS: That's right. [phone rings] LUKE: [answers] Hello? Yeah, hey Rory, hang on a sec. [to Jess] It's Rory. JESS: I'm not here. LUKE: What? JESS: Get a clue, Columbo. I don't wanna talk to her. LUKE: You don't wanna talk to Rory? [to Rory] Yeah, Rory? Yeah, he just went someplace. Yeah, I'll tell him. Bye. [Luke hangs up the phone, then grabs Jess by his shirt] LUKE: Come on. JESS: Hey. [Luke pulls him to the storage room] JESS: Come on, what is this? LUKE: Look, you're my responsibility. You're exhibiting signs of violent behavior and I don't care how much you don't wanna talk about it, you're not leaving until you tell me. Now, tell me, where'd you get the black eye? JESS: You wouldn't believe it anyway. LUKE: Try me, tough guy. JESS: A swan. LUKE: Excuse me? JESS: I was attacked by a swan. Okay, you happy? A stupid swan. LUKE: Now, how ‘bout the real story? JESS: That is the real story. It hangs out by Larson's Dock. I was just walking by and the thing came out of nowhere and bam – beaked me right in the eye. LUKE: It beaked you? JESS: You still don't believe me. LUKE: I just never heard anyone use the word beaked as a verb before. JESS: No, no, this isn't funny. That stupid bird attacked me. He could've blinded me. It's a vicious, vicious bird, and . . .fine. Forget it. [they walk back into the diner. Jess retrieves a ladle from under the counter] LUKE: What are you doing? Where are you going? JESS: I'm gonna do a little beaking of my own. LUKE: Jess, not the ladle. That's a brand new ladle. Take the baster! CUT TO OUTSIDE [Luke and Jess are in a rowboat in the middle of the lake] LUKE: I don't see a swan. JESS: Put your oars down. LUKE: They don't like oars? JESS: Just lay low, it'll come. LUKE: Does it act all peaceful and Bambi-like and then suddenly attack like the rabbit in Monty Python? JESS: Your voice is probably scaring it away. LUKE: So how'd you explain the black eye to the Gilmores? JESS: I didn't. The whole night sucked. I'm happy it's behind me. LUKE: Behind you? You ain't got nothing behind you. JESS: What do you mean? LUKE: You'll have plenty more events like that in your future. JESS: No way. LUKE: When you date a girl like Rory, you're involved with her whole family. Just like that last girl you dated, you were involved with her whole petri dish. JESS: At least she was easy to figure out. LUKE: And you were bored from day one. JESS: I'm dating Rory, not her family. LUKE: All these people come in a package with this girl. The mother comes with this girl. The grandmother comes with this girl. JESS: And apparently a bunch of others. Everybody she's ever met, including Dean. LUKE: She picked you. JESS: God knows why. LUKE: She knows, that's all that matters. Jess, being jealous of Dean – JESS: I am not jealous of Dean. LUKE: Being jealous of Dean is pointless. You're just gonna drive Rory away. You wanna have a relationship with someone, you're gonna have to learn to open up your mouth and say something. JESS: Give it a rest, Dr. Phil. LUKE: You can't shut down, you can't avoid her calls. JESS: I didn't wanna talk. LUKE: Well, when are you gonna wanna talk? JESS: I don't know. LUKE: So, what are you gonna do, just keep avoiding her and never take her calls again? JESS: She'll find me eventually. LUKE: If she keeps looking for you. JESS: Hey, I'm not gonna be a wuss like Dean. LUKE: Dean had that girl for two years. You have a little fight after two months, you walk out, and it's over? JESS: I don't care. LUKE: Okay, fine, you don't care, that's obvious. [Jess sees a swan] JESS: Shh! LUKE: Is that the one? JESS: That's it. Watch it. LUKE: I'm watching it. It's pretty. JESS: Shh! LUKE: Is it gonna double back? JESS: Maybe. LUKE: So it's lulling us into complacency. JESS: He's vicious, I'm telling you. LUKE: Yeah, his butt's terrifying. JESS: It's outnumbered. That's the problem. It knows there's two of us. LUKE: So you want me to get under water, swim along with the boat, breathe through a straw? JESS: Forget it. LUKE: Maybe it's gonna get another swan and come back and make a fight of it, huh? JESS: Forget it. CUT TO LORELAI'S GARAGE [Rory is talking to Lane as she sets up for band practice] LANE: He's not even calling you back, huh? RORY: No, and I'm not sure what to do. LANE: Well, Dave and I have never had a fight because we haven't really truly begun dating, so I have no perspective on this. RORY: Well, you'd better hurry up and start having bad boy troubles so I can get some feedback. [The band walks into the garage] DAVE: Hey there. LANE: Hi guys. RORY: How's it going? ZACH: I think it's going a little weird, to tell you the truth. LANE: Weird, why? BRIAN: I think we need to get something out in the open here. ZACH: Definitely. DAVE: We ran into your mom. LANE: My mom? RORY: Oh boy. ZACH: Yeah, and we're well aware that there's a situation here that you guys have been hiding. BRIAN: We should get it out in the open here or else it's gonna get weirder. DAVE: Yeah, I guess so. We didn't mean anything by hiding it guys. ZACH: Well, what pisses us off is that you felt you had to hide it. DAVE: Really? ZACH: Yeah. Dave, you're a Christian. So what? That's cool. BRIAN: It's nothing to hide. ZACH: Christians can still rock. DAVE: They can? LANE: Yeah, yeah, Dave. Christians can still rock, don't hide it. ZACH: Marshall Stacks don't know Christians from atheists. DAVE: Gosh, I just wasn't sure if you guys would be accepting of my devoutness. BRIAN: Dave, it's a part of you, and we think you're cool, so it's cool. DAVE: Great. Thanks, guys. ZACH: But no way are we playing Creed, man. DAVE: Oh, no, of course not. ZACH: Or Amy Grant. That's where we draw the line. LANE: This is very accepting of you guys. BRIAN: And we'd be totally into playing that gig for your mom if it pays. LANE: Oh, Mrs. Kim pays. Uh, she's very good about that. [a car horn honks from the yard] RORY: That's my mom. I'm glad this all worked out. LANE: Yeah, me too. [Rory walks to the front yard. Alex is getting Lorelai's suitcase out of the trunk of his SUV] RORY: Hey. LORELAI: Oh, my little daughter. RORY: I'm happy to see you. Thanks for bringing her back in one piece. ALEX: No problem. LORELAI: I'm very weak. ALEX: She hasn't eaten in awhile. RORY: I warned you to keep to her feeding schedule. LORELAI: I'm drifting, drifting. ALEX: She wanted to wait to have dinner with you. RORY: That's sweet. LORELAI: Must have food now. RORY: I'll take it from here. ALEX: Thanks. LORELAI: Bye. [to Rory] You're not food. ALEX: Revive her. RORY: I will. I'm gonna run and get take out. LORELAI: Oh, make like the wind. RORY: Can you make it to the door? LORELAI: I'll struggle. CUT TO TOWN SQUARE [Rory walks by the diner with some takeout bags. Jess walks out] JESS: Rory. RORY: Oh, hey. JESS: Hey. Your mom home? RORY: I'm bringing supplies. JESS: Should've brought a mule. RORY: What? JESS: A pack mule, to carry it. RORY: Oh, yeah. JESS: So, sorry I missed your calls. RORY: You were always out. JESS: Yeah. I was getting ready to call you just now, but you would've been out. RORY: Ironic. JESS: Yeah. RORY: So, I know there was no fight with Dean. JESS: Really? How? You asked Dean. RORY: It was the only thing I could think to do. JESS: To go to the source. RORY: Yup. I'm sorry I doubted you. JESS: It's okay. I would've doubted me, too. RORY: I need to trust you as much as I trusted – JESS: Him. RORY: Yeah. JESS: This black eye screwed everything up. RORY: Yeah. JESS: Next time I go to your grandmother's, I'll try not to have one. RORY: Next time? JESS: Next time. RORY: So what happened? JESS: I don't – RORY: Come on. It wasn't Dean, you can say. JESS: Will that make you happy? RORY: Yes, very. JESS: Okay, I'll tell you the truth, since we're both so into the truth tonight. That's what good relationships are about, right? RORY: Right. JESS: But you've gotta promise not to mock me ever, and please don't tell anyone else. RORY: Promise. JESS: I was throwing a football with a buddy and got hit in the eye. RORY: You poor thing. JESS: Yeah. RORY: But that's not embarrassing. JESS: Yeah, now that you mention it, it's not. RORY: I have to go. JESS: Don't go. RORY: I don't want to. JESS: Then don't. Let's go somewhere. RORY: I've got takeout. JESS: I'll reimburse you. RORY: My mom's waiting. Keep thinking what you're thinking. JESS: I don't have a choice. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai is lying on the couch, Rory walks in with the takeout] RORY: Mom? LORELAI: Hm? Is that you, Rhett? RORY: I bring food. LORELAI: Oh, thank God. Ha! One of everything at Al's. Bless you with gluttony. Aren't you hungry? RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: Well, come on, dig in. What's wrong? RORY: Nothing. Um, listen. LORELAI: I'm listening. RORY: When I said before that I was too busy to think about it, I realized now that I'm not too busy to think about it. LORELAI: Think about it? RORY: About it. LORELAI: Oh, it. RORY: Yeah, it. LORELAI: Ha, it. RORY: Nothing's happened yet, but. . .it might. Maybe. LORELAI: Maybe? RORY: Maybe. . .with Jess. LORELAI: Hm, with Jess. RORY: You still want me to tell you everything, right? LORELAI: Yeah. Uh, no. Well – RORY: Which is it? LORELAI: We're doing this now. RORY: Yes. Which is it? LORELAI: I don't know. RORY: You'll let me know? LORELAI: Yeah. RORY: Was that, yeah, you'll let me know, or yeah, that's your answer, you wanna know? LORELAI: I guess, I wanna know, yes, and now, sure. RORY: Well, nothing's happened. LORELAI: I heard. RORY: But it might. LORELAI: Okay. Could you tell me before it does? RORY: Right before, or – LORELAI: No, just. . .just before. RORY: Okay. LORELAI: Okay, good. Is that it? RORY: For tonight, yeah. LORELAI: Good. This. . .this is good. RORY: Yeah, it is good. LORELAI: Okay, well, let's eat. RORY: Good. [They start eating. Lorelai puts her arm around Rory. Rory puts her arm around Lorelai. They continue eating.]

Plan: A: Emily; Q: Who guilts Rory into bringing Jess to a Friday night dinner? A: an unqualified disaster; Q: What was the Friday night dinner? A: New York; Q: Where do Lorelai, Alex, Sookie and Jackson go for the weekend? A: a black eye; Q: What does Jess get in a fight? A: an altercation; Q: What does Jess get into? A: Luke; Q: Who helps Rory and Jess patch things up? A: the mark; Q: What do Zack and Brian miss? A: first; Q: What kind of argument do Rory and Jess have? Summary: Emily guilts Rory into bringing Jess to a Friday night dinner which turns out to be an unqualified disaster; Lorelai, Alex, Sookie and Jackson go to New York for the weekend; Jess gets a black eye in an altercation with an opponent he is too embarassed to reveal to anyone but Luke; Zack and Brian realize that Lane and Dave are hiding something from them, but miss the mark on the true nature of the secret; Rory and Jess have their first argument, and Luke helps patch things up.

"To Be or Not to Be..." CAST Dawson: James Van Der Beek Joey: Katie Holmes Pacey: Joshua Jackson Jen: Michelle Williams Andie: Meredith Monroe ALSO STARRING Gail: Mary-Margaret Humes Mitch: John Wesely Shipp Grams: Mary Beth Piel Bessie: Nina Repeta Abby: Monica Kenna *Dawson's room - there's a miniature Capeside community built. Pacey, Dawson, and Jack are in the room.* Pacey: I can't believe you made this whole thing by yourself. Dawson: Congratulations, Jack. Jack: Thanks. I'm not completely done. I still have this whole back section to paint. Dawson: I-I-I'm....truly impressed. And grateful. Jack: It's...a little unclear, though, as to why you want this. You're not going to like, blow it up or anything, are ya? Dawson: No...um, there's no asteroid in my movie. It's for aerial shots. Establishing scenes....you get the right lense...the right light...perfect point of the Creekside village. Pacey: It's amazing what a little camera trickery can do. Well, if you guys will excuse me, I have a ton of homework to do including Peterson's assignment which I haven't even started yet. Jack: *sighs* Yeah, I haven't either. Dawson: Pacey Witter is leaving early to do homework...a slightly less believable and inquiring light. Pacey: Yeah, yeah, it's a disgusting habit. Dawson: Alright, well, thanks guys, I'll see you later. Jack: No, I can stay. Dawson: Well, I'm just going to do a test-shot... Jack: No, it's okay, I'd like to see it. It's alright. Dawson: Okay. Cool. Pacey: Well....ta-ta, gents. Don't stay up too late. It is a school night. *Pacey leaves. Dawson laughs.* Dawson: Speaking as his closest friend, your sister has had quite a profound relationship on him. Jack: Yeah, well, relationships will do that. *Dawson's face drops and he moves to get his camera. Jack realizes how it sounded.* Jack: Sorry. I didn't mean that the way it came out. Dawson: Look, Jack, this hasn't exactly been the easiest of situations for either of us. But your help in this film has been so significant. I just... Jack: So we're cool? Dawson: Yeah. So what's this Peterson stuff about? Jack: Oh, a poem. He wants us to write something that's critical to our being, whatever. It's just another assignment I'm going to screw up. Dawson: It's a poem. It can't be that hard. Jack: You know, I read your script. You're the expert writer here. Any advice on how to get to the good stuff? Dawson: Listen to yourself, you know? I mean poetry is a chance to give the world a peek of the innermost private part of yourself that you'd, in other cases, just stifle. Jack: So just listen to myself? Dawson: Yeah, I mean...you never know what you'll hear. Will you do me a favor and hit the lights? Jack: Oh, yeah. *The lights go off as Dawson adjusts the camera to focus in on a replica of the exterior of his house.* Dawson: And there it is. The perfect Creekside village. *The fake house fades into Dawson's real house and then we get a shot of the real creek.* *Cut to Capeside High exterior. Pacey is waiting on the campus and he spots his counselor approaching.* Pacey: Mr. Milo! Now, before you say anything, I want you to know that I have the situation under complete control. Mr.Milo: And what situation is that? Pacey: Well, whatever academic improprieties you were about to make me aware of. Mr.Milo: Improprieties is the wrong word. Try kudos. *Pacey looks confused* Mr.Milo(cont.): I just received the midterm reports for all the students on academic watch. And after removing my jaw from the floor, I came to you. You posted 3 "B"'s and 2 "A"'s. Pacey: That's impossible. Mr.Milo: Well, one would think so. *Pacey looks up and Mr. Milo smiles.* Pacey: You know, I don't think I've ever seen you smile before, Mr. Milo. I'm liking this. The smiling thing I definitely like. Mr.Milo: Well, you just keep up the good work, Mr. Witter! *They enter the school and we cut to inside as Pacey happily heads towards Andie who is standing by Jack and Joey. Pacey picks Andie up and swings her around in the air and she screams. He sets her down and they kiss. Jack and Joey stare at them and laugh.* Andie: Mm...what was that for? Pacey: Just 'cause. *Jack puts his arm around Joey and leans in.* Joey: Don't even. Jack: What? We can't kiss 'just cause'? Joey: Sure, we can. In private. Massive suckface embraces are better left for bedrooms and private sunsets. *to Pacey and Andie* No offense. Pacey and Andie: (simultaneously) None taken! *Dawson walks up.* Dawson: Hey Jack! I was just wondering when do you think you can get started on the set for the pageant scene? Jack: Um, this weekend if you want. Dawson: Great! I'll schedule the shoot for the weekend after. *Jack nods and Dawson walks off to his locker. The bell rings.* Pacey: Well, I hate to be the stickler but we are late for an hour of health. Jack: Yeah, you got your poem Stickler? Pacey: Of course! *Andie and Pacey continue off down the hall.* Jack: Well, see ya! I gotta go to class. Bye. *They kiss* Joey: Bye. *She turns and walks toward Dawson at his locker, smiling.* Joey: So....that was nice. Dawson: What was nice? Joey: You and Jack actually conversing! It was a surprise. Dawson: Well, some people are capable of moving beyond those petty, long-behind rivalries to higher ground. *Joey laughs* Joey: Yeah, right! If Jack wasn't doing your movie, Dawson, he'd still be the enemy. Dawson: Not true! *Joey pushes him, jokingly.* Joey: You are so Hollywood! *He pushes her back, jokingly.* Dawson: Am not! *Cut to outside, Jen is sitting at a table and Ty comes up.* Ty: Across the green...he spots her, stealthfully the lion crosses the green and settles beside his prey, the helpless llama. Jen: *not enthusiastic.* Hey Ty. Ty: Well, as far as I know, there's been three phone messages to you in this last week. Adorable phone messages with my number included. I was wondering why you haven't returned any of them. Jen: You're on my 'To Call' list, Ty. I just am trying to get around. Ty: Well, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I could swear you were into me that night. Jen: Not to toot your own horn or anything. Ty: It was the party, wasn't it? All that Bible-speak freaked you out. Jen: Honestly...yeah. It did. Ty: Jen, that's not all that I am, alright? For your information, I'm not some Bible-banging Dorkus-Magworkus here. *Jen laughs.* Jen: I'm not saying that you are, Ty. It's just...obviously, your religion is very important to you. *Ty nods.* Jen: I just see it as an inevitable obstacle in our relationship. Ty: Don't you think we should go out on our first date before you map out our entire future? Jen: Ty...you're sweet. And you're funny. But you go to these Bible meetings three times a week and that's probably how many times I've been to church in the past 10 years so...hopefully you can understand why that would present a problem with us being anything more than just friends. *She gets up.* Ty: See, that just goes to show how little you know me. See...I'm not funny at all. You know, I'm not giving up. Jen: Now, that's a shame. Ty: You know, I thought most women admired persistence. Jen: Well, that just goes to show how little you know about me. I'm not most women. *She walks off leaving Ty behind. Cut to Mr. Peterson picking up poems. He comes to Pacey who's flipping desperately through his notebooks looking for his.* Mr.Peterson: Mr. Witter, empty-handed, I presume? Pacey: No, no, I had it at my locker. I must have...*finds it* left it right here in my binder! *He hands it to Mr. Peterson* Mr.Peterson: 'Ode to the Sports Car'? Pacey: Yeah, trust me, they're more exciting than Grecian arts. Mr.Peterson: Trying out cursive for the first time? Pacey: *sighs* I worked hard on that. Mr.Peterson: I'm sure. However, you neglected penmanship and presentation is minus half the grade. So the way I see it, you have two choices. You can hand the poem in tomorrow, written legibly and lose credit for handing it in late, or you can hand it in as it is, and the highest grade you'll see will be your old friend the letter "D". Pacey: That's not fair. Mr.Peterson: Fairness is overrated. Pacey: *to Jack* Is it just me or does that man get meaner everyday? Jack: It's not you. Mr.Peterson: Excuse me, Mr. McPhee? Jack: Uh, nothing... Mr.Peterson: I hope that your poetry assignment went well, Mr. McPhee. We're all very aware of how critical it is to your deficient grade in this class. *Jack just nods.* Jack: Sure, yeah...it went fine. Mr.Peterson: Then, perhaps you would like to read your poem to the class. Jack: *nervously* Um, you said these poems were just for you. Mr.Peterson: I changed my mind. These things happen. Please, read us your poem. Jack: Um...I'd really rather not... Mr.Peterson: Mr.McPhee, what you would rather do is of no importance to me. Jack: I-um, if it's okay with you, can I just hand it in? Mr.Peterson: Read the poem. Jack: Please. I don't-- Mr.Peterson: We're waiting. Jack: *very nervously takes his paper and stands up* Um...*sighs* Today Today was a day the world got smaller. Darker. Even more afraid. Not of what I am... *Jack looks up, fearfully.* Mr.Peterson: Continue... Jack: (cont.) I grew more afraid. Not of what I am, But what I could be. I loosen my collar to take a breath. My eyes fade and I see... I see him. An angel of perfection, His frame strong. His lips smooth. I keep thinking what am I so scared of? And I wish I could escape the pain but these thoughts, They invade my head, Like shackles of guilt. They upleash at me. *He's started to cry...* Jack: Excuse me. *He rushes out of the room. Pacey gets up to follow.* Mr.Peterson: What are you doing? Pacey: I'm going to see if he's alright. Mr.Peterson: You'll do nothing of the kind. Sit down. Pacey: But he was crying! Mr.Peterson: I said SIT DOWN! *Pacey slowly walks back to his seat.* Mr.Peterson: Okay, everyone, open your books to pg.57. *Pacey just sits there and gives him a deadly stare. Cut to Pacey and Dawson, in the computer lab. Dawson leans over to try to see Joey's screen.* Joey: What are you doing? Dawson: *smiles* Nothing. Joey: What? Dawson: Just trying to get a peek at your secret online handle. What is it? PCJoey? PerkyPotter? Joey: What's yours? SpielbergStud? Dawson: No. *The camera pans to a group of boys at another set of computers right behind Joey and Dawson.* Boy#1: And he started to cry... Boy#2: No way. Boy#1: I heard it from, like, half the class. He's reading this poem and he was just crying... Boy#3: Wait a minute...who is this? Boy#2: Jack McPhee, the new kid. *Cut to Joey's face when she hears his name and she's listening to the conversation.* Boy#2 (offscreen): Peterson makes him read his poem in class. He starts crying. *The camera zooms out to show Dawson's reaction, too. He's listening intently, confused. Joey looks confused, also.* Boy#2 (offscreen, cont.): Here's the best part. The poem was about a guy. McPhee's a total homo. Boy#1: Total. I mean, look at him. *Close up on Joey's confused reaction. Cut to Bessie and Joey helping a table.* Bessie: *to customers* Thank you! *Dawson walks in* Bessie: Hi Dawson! Dawson: Hey. *He goes up to Joey.* Dawson: Joey, hey, you got a second? Joey: Sure. Dawson: Um, have you talked to Jack yet? Joey: No, we haven't really talked about it yet. He's still kind of upset about it... Dawson: I can imagine. The rumor mill is going into overdrive on this one. I've heard about it twice more. Joey: You think that's bad? I've heard everything from Jack is seen regularly wearing dresses down Main Street to he's checked into a monastery to deal with his sexual ambibilance. Dawson: You're pretty flip about this. Joey: What? It's all just a big joke? Dawson: Is it? Joey: What are you insinuating? Dawson: I'm not insinuating anything. I'm just...I'm concerned about you. Joey: What are you trying to do, Dawson? Give validity to some ridiculous rumor that Jack's gay? Dawson: No, Joey, I never said that! Joey: You pretty much did. Dawson: Look, Joey, all I'm trying to do is find out what's going on and I hope that you would know me well enough to know that my concern is genuine, okay? There's no need to be so defensive about this. Joey: Oh, I'm not being defensive, Dawson. Why don't we just say what this conversation is really about? Your passive-aggressive way to highlight some flaw in Jack that would get us to break up! Dawson: That's way over the line. Joey: No, from where I'm standing, I think it's perfectly in balance. *Cut to the McPhee house. Andie and Pacey are sitting at the table, studying.* Andie: So in 1936, the Stalin constitution was adopted. Communists everywhere boasted that now the Soviet Union was the most democratic country in the world. *Jack comes down the stairs.* Jack: I'm going to go down the the Icehouse and help clean up. I'll see you later. Pacey: Later, Jack! *He leaves.* Pacey: Well, you're a bit frosty. Andie: Pardon me? Pacey: Jack. He's had a long day and you've hardly said two words to him this whole afternoon. Andie: Well, I don't understand why he had to write that poem in the first place. If he hadn't written something that could be so easily misinterpreted then... Pacey: What? If he'd have censored himself? Andie: Don't twist my words. Look, I know Jack better than you do, Pacey, and ever since we were kids he's had this whole different Drummer thing going on and not everybody gets it. He should have known better than to expose himself to someone as venomous as Peterson, that's all. Pacey: Well, Andie, I may be wrong here, but I don't think that guest-starring in his own public humiliation was Jack's intention. There's something deeper going on there. Andie: Like? Pacey: Like...maybe you should talk to him. Andie: About what? Pacey: Well, for starters, the poem. Maybe it wasn't misinterpreted. Andie: I'm--no. No. Jack is not gay. He's talked about girls his entire life. He's crazy about Joey. He hates Madonna. He's not gay. Pacey: Well, have you ever asked him? Andie: No. I don't need to. Pacey: Well, hypothetically speaking, if he were gay...how would that make you feel? Andie: I guess I'd be disappointed. Pacey: Disappointed. Geez, Andie... Andie: You asked me how I'd feel! Look, I don't need this. I don't need to be criticized for a hypothetical feeling over a hypothetical situation that is completely unfathomable. Pacey: Well, for Jack's sake, I hope you're right. *Cut to Jen's house. The phone rings.* Jen: Hello? Ty: What if I didn't ask you out on a date, persay? Then, you wouldn't have to worry about our breakup due to ideological difficulties and you could still go out with me. And non-Bible related, I promise. Jen: Sorry Jack. Ty: Aw, Jen. Have a little faith in me. Maybe under this Sunday school venire lies a partying maniac. Jen: I doubt it. I'm hanging up. *She does and the phone rings again. She picks up.* Ty: I told you I was persistent. Jen: You know, persistent isn't exactly the word that comes to mind right now. Ty: C'mon, Jen! I'll pick you up at 9. Jen: No! *She hangs up. The phone rings again. She picks up.* Ty: 9:45. Going once, going twice... Jen: You really are persistent. Ty: C'mon Jen! Just a couple of hours. Jen: Be here at 10. *She hangs up. Cut to the Icehouse. Jack is washing off some tables and Joey walks up.* Bessie: Jo! Did you get the cleaning supplies for the kitchen? Joey: Got 'em right here. Bessie: Great! Jack: Here. I'll get 'em. *He takes them and walks off.* Bessie: He's been quiet as a church mouse all night. What happened? Joey: You don't even want to know. Bessie: Poor guy looks like he lost his best friend. Go talk to him. Joey: But he doesn't want to! I mean, how do you talk to somebody about something that they've made perfectly clear they don't want to talk about? Bessie: Well, I always start with 'Long day, huh?'. It opens the conversation up. So, I'm all through here. If you could lock up, that'd be great! See ya! Joey: Okay... *Jack walks in. Joey sighs.* Joey: Long day, huh? Jack: If you want to ask me something, I suggest you just ask it. Joey: I'm sorry, Jack. It's just...people are already saying things. Jack: Since when do you care what other people are saying? Joey: Well, maybe it's because you still haven't offered me any kind of explanation for what you wrote. Jack: I don't have to. Joey: You're right. You don't. It's just that, you know, being the one that you are dating, it'd be nice to know if there was a particular reason you wrote a poem about a guy. It has to have some degree of importance in your life, considering it did make you cry in front of a roomful of people. Jack: Alright, look, I sat down last night, before I went to bed, and for half an hour, I wrote what I was feeling. And one of the images that came into my head was masculine, nothing sexual about it, okay? It could have been me, it could have been the image of my brother. I don't know, Joey. But I do know that there was nothing gay about that poem. And as for the crying...I don't know. It hit a weird nerve as I was reading it. It just unleashed some stuff that I've been dealing with in my family. My brother's death...I don't know. It's the only explanation I can come up with and if it's not good enough for you then you can just believe what everyone else is saying. Joey: Jack...I don't believe what they're saying. Jack: I hope not. Because I adore you, Joey. And I assure you. If was to ever write a love poem....it would be about you. Nobody else. *They hug* [SCENE_BREAK] *Cut to Jen and Ty walking into a club.* Ty: I think you're really going to like this place. Jen: If I'd of known we were going to a club, I would have brought my fake I.D. *Ty spots a singer.* Ty: Sherry! Sherry: Hey! Ty: Good evening. You singing tonight? Sherry: Yeah, I'm up next. Any requests? Ty: Yeah, um...something romantic. And two martinis. Sherry: You've got it, Ty. Ty: Thanks. Have a seat. Jen: (missed line -- mumbling) Isn't that a little bit against the rules? Ty: Who's rules? Jen: Drinking, this whole Swinger lifestyle...it's not exactly Sunday school clean. Ty: But...right now, we're not in Sunday school. *Cut to the singer...then Jen and Ty dancing...Cut to school the next day. Copies of Jack's poem were copied and pasted all around school. Pacey and Andie are ripping them down.* Pacey: Tonight on a very special episode of Capeside High...it's Jack's poem. This is ridiculous. Can you believe this? Andie: Why? Why would they do this? *Cut to Mr. Peterson's class.* Mr.Peterson: Mr. McPhee? Jack: Yes? Mr.Peterson: Would you care to continue reading your now, very public, work of poetry? Jack: You can't be serious. Mr.Peterson: I am. You left us high and dry. If you want a completed grade, then you have to complete reading the poem. It's very simple. Jack: Why are you doing this to me? Pacey: Because he can. *Pacey stands up and walks towards him* Mr.Peterson: Mr. Witter, I suggest you sit down. Pacey: No. Mr.Peterson: SIT DOWN! Pacey: You want somebody to read the poem. I'll read it. Today Today was a day the world got smaller. Darker. I grew more afraid. Not of what I am but of what I could be. Mr.Peterson: I SAID STOP!!!! *He grabs the paper away from Pacey.* Mr.Peterson: You will listen to me when I talk to you, young man. Pacey: Why should I? Mr.Peterson: Well, that's it. I am writing you a pass and you can report immediately to Principal Markom's(?) office. Pacey: What part of you is it that gets off on torturing students? Everyone in this class may be afraid of you, but I'm not! I see your miserable scare tactics for exactly what they are, the misguided lassions of a bitter, lonely old man who only feels good when somebody in the class feels worse. Mr.Peterson: Thank you for the analysis, Mr. Witter. I'll send a check along with the 'F' you'll get on your report card. Pacey: You can't fail me! I've gotten a 'B' or better on every test we've had in this class. Mr.Peterson: Well, I can. I've been waiting to fail you all quarter. Pacey: You disgust me. Mr.Peterson: And you, Mr. Witter, are a failure. Destined to always be a failure. Trying to teach people like you is like spitting in the face of the entire educational system. *Pacey spits in Mr.Peterson's face.* Pacey: No, sir. That is spitting in the face of the entire educational system. *Pacey walks out of the classroom. Cut to Pacey in the principal's office.* Pacey: I won't apoligize. Principal: Yes, you will, Pacey. Pacey: No I won't. Mr.Peterson: What did I tell you? The child's an insubordinate little waste. Mr.Milo: Hey, you're hardly innocent either. Mr.Peterson: And what does that mean? Mr.Milo: You made a student cry and another student had an excessive reaction. Mr.Peterson: You call a student spitting in a teacher's face excessive? That's the understatement of the year. Principal: I suggest we reconvene tomorrow. Mr. Witter, hopefully, by that time you will have been capable of conguring up an apoligy and if not, I will have no choice but to give you a suspension. *Pacey walks out and Jack is sitting on a bench.* Pacey: Hey Jack. Listen, man, you didn't have to come down here. I appreciate it but... Jack: I did. Mr. Milo wants to talk to me. I can't imagine what about. Pacey: Yeah, they told me they wanted me to apoligize. I told them to go screw themselves. Jack: That was stupid. Pacey: Who's side are you on here anyway? Jack: My own. I can fight my own battles. You know, I didn't need you to make a spectacle out of this whole thing. Pacey: Wo, wo, wo. Stop right there, Jack. I thought I was doing you a favor in there. Jack: Well, you weren't. Look, I didn't need a hero. I recognize it's an addiction of yours but this is one instance when you just should have kept your nose out of it! *Cut to Jen and Ty outside.* Ty: Well, they weren't selling roses. Cupcake? *Jen takes it.* Jen: Thank you. Ty: So, full report. Tell me, was I not fun last night? *Jen starts laughing.* Ty: What's so funny? Jen: You. This... Ty: What? Jen: Alternate identities. Ty: You mean, student by day, ratpacker by night? Jen: Some people would call it the height of hypocracy. Ty: Well, it's not hypocritical at all. To me, it's something you go to church about on Sunday. Listen, my religion doesn't assume that I'm a perfect individual, Jen. In fact, it expects that I'm not. Jen: Ah, I see. So it's a party now, confess later sort of thing? Ty: You wanna do it again? C'mon. Your Grams likes me. Jen: She likes what she knows about you which apparently isn't all that much. Ty: And you plan on keeping it that way. Jen: There's a thought. *Cut to Andie, Pacey, and Dawson walking down the hallway.* Andie: So what are you going to do? Pacey: What do you mean? Andie: Well, about Peterson. You're going to apoligize, right? Pacey: No, I'm going to take the suspension. Andie: What? Pacey: After what that man did? I'm not going to apoligize to him, he doesn't deserve it. Andie: It doesn't matter what he did, Pacey. You spit in his face. Pacey: I was there. Thank you. Andie: Dawson? *Dawson just keeps walking with them, silently. Pacey stops in amazement at them.* Pacey: You too, huh? Dawson: Pacey, this is serious. Pacey: You think I don't know that? Dawson: All we're saying is be aware of the consequences. Pacey: I am aware of the consequences, alright? *Cut to Jack coming out of the office where Joey's waiting for him.* Jack: These are pamphlets Milo coincidentally just happened to have on his desk. Ever feel like you're trapped in one of those Lifetime movies? Joey: 'Gay and okay', 'What's my sexuality?', 'Am I gay?' God, this sounds like a bad game show. *Cut back to Pacey, Andie, and Dawson walking down the hall.* Andie: What about your gradepoint? You still care about that, don't you? It's not going to survive a suspension, Pacey. It will destroy all the hard work you've done and you'll be right back at square one. Pacey: An academic loser. Andie: That's not what I said. Pacey: But it's what you felt. Andie, everything that I've worked for, everything that you've helped me to become, is somebody who believes in himself and his instincts and every instinct in me tells me that what that man did in that classroom was wrong. Andie: But-- Pacey: It's just wrong! *Andie gives up and turns around and she sees something and her face drops. The camera zooms out to Pacey's face which is very angry.* Andie: Oh my God. *Cut to Jack and Joey.* Jack: I'm going to need your help with this, Joey. I have a feeling it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better. Joey: I'm here. Jack: Thanks. *Jack and Joey look down the hall and both their faces drop. We cut to what they're looking at. On Jack's locker, some kids have spraypainted "FAG" in red and there's a crowd around it, staring at him and his locker. Everyone just stands there for a minute, then Jack slowly walks through the crowd, stares at his locker, and then starts doing the combination. People whisper. Cut to Joey who looks like she's about to cry. Jack fumbles around in his locker some more. The same group still stands there. Joey tries to get herself together, running scenarios of what she should do in her mind. Finally, she walks towards him.* Joey: Kiss me. Jack: What? Why? Joey: Just cause. *Joey pulls him in for a kiss and everyone in the crowd whispers among themselves. Cut to the McPhee house. Jack is drying dishes.* Andie: Thanks for cleaning up. Jack: Dialogue. That would mean you're talking to me again. Andie: I've been really unfair the last couple of days. Jack: It's okay. I knew you'd come around. Andie: Do you have to be so immensely forgiving? Do you have an ounce of meanness anywhere in your body? At the very least it would make for our sibling squabbles more interesting. Jack: Why make them interesting? I win them as they are. Andie: It's just...been really hard. Jack: For both of us. Andie: But you're better suited for it. Jack: Nobody's suited for public ridicule, Andie. You just deal with it. Andie: I don't. When I first heard what happened to you in class, my initial reaction was resentment. Of all the possibilities, you know, I didn't even feel sorry for you. I just...thought, oh great, thanks, when things finally seemed to be slowing down in my life, and now I have to deal with this. And everything that has happened to us in our lives just made me so afraid. And I didn't think anyone could understand that, especially you. I mean you're so strong and independent and then....and then....*holds up folded sheet of paper* I read this. Your poem. I kept one of the ones I tore down. It's a really beautiful poem, Jack. And I don't know if it means that you're gay or not and I really don't care. But I'll tell you what I do know. The person who wrote this poem...he's just as scared as I am. Jack, you're terrified and I'm your sister and I had no idea. I just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you. And I love you. And you're not alone. *They hug.* Jack: Thank you. *Cut to Joey running up the dock towards Dawson's house. Cut to Dawson's room where he's studying the mini-model of Capeside. Joey appears in the window.* Joey: Dawson, can I come in? Dawson: *surprised* Wo! Um...yeah. Joey: Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. It's been a highly irregular few days and climbing this ladder is the sheerest form of normalcy I know. Dawson: Yeah...come in. Joey: I just wanted to say I'm sorry about yesterday. Dawson: It's okay. I understand. Joey: *sees Capeside model* Wow. This is amazing. This is the whole town. Dawson: It's incredible, isn't it? Jack built it just for the film. Joey: *sighs* Dawson, I need your advice. And I know because of the situation it may be hard to dispense it but...I really need it. Dawson: Anything. Talk to me. Joey: I'm thinking that maybe....you were right....about....Jack and the poem. Dawson: That he meant to write it. Joey: Well, he says he didn't and he has 1,000 reasonable excuses that all make sense only....they don't make sense. I keep wishing that I just would have done what you told me and just asked him if...um...*laughs at the situation* he was gay. Dawson: So why don't you? Joey: If I ask him then he'll know that I've considered it. And if he knows that I've considered it then it will always be there that I've considered it. Dawson: It's the elephant in the room syndrome. The obvious but unspoken topic. The thing that's always lurking but never brought up. Of course, in your case, it's a gay elephant. Joey: You know, this isn't funny. Dawson: Sorry, I had to say it. *Joey flops back on the bed.* Dawson: You have to ask him. I mean, if there's one thing that I've learned about relationships in the past year is that they begin and end with honesty and if you want to save what you have with Jack, *looks down* and I believe it's worth saving, it's that you've got to be honest, you know? So, go. Go hunt an elephant. *Joey gets up and slowly heads for the window.* Joey: Alright...thanks... *She turns around and considers Dawson's behavior.* Joey: Thank you. *She leans in and kisses him on the cheek and heads for the window. Dawson sighs. Cut to Dawson and Pacey sitting outside of the principal's office. Mr. Peterson walks in and looks at Pacey. He smiles evily before he enters the office.* Pacey: Look at that guy. Tell me he does not have it out for me. Dawson: Well, if he didn't already then he certainly does now. Pacey: You know, maybe I should just do it. I should just apoligize. *Dawson just sits there.* Pacey: You don't think what I did was right, do you? Dawson: I can't judge. I wasn't there. Pacey: But would you have done it yourself? Dawson: No. Pacey: And if I go in there and I can't apoligize. Would you be ashamed of me? Dawson: *smiles* In my lifetime, Pacey, I will never be ashamed of you. *Mr. Milo comes out of the office.* Mr.Milo: Pacey, we're ready for you. *Pacey gets up and goes in. Inside, he walks over to the center of the room.* Principal: Mr. Witter, I trust that you've had ample time to put into proper perspective the events of yesterday morning. Pacey: I have, yeah. Principal: Well, the ball's in your court. We're all ears. Pacey: I should start my saying that I'm more ashamed for what I did in that classroom yesterday than anything I have done in my life. It was dead wrong and I have no case here and I'm sorry. However, I am not now, nor will I ever be, apolegetic for it's intention. Everyday we, the students of Capeside, come to a place where you guys are in charge. You tell us when to arrive, and when to leave, and when to move rooms, and when to eat. You tell us when we're doing well and when we need to be doing better and we never, ever question it because we're afraid to. To question it is to go against the belief that the entire system is built upon. The belief that you guys know what's right. And I'm not afraid to tell you that what happened in that classroom was not right. To make a student cry, to embarress him, to strip him of his dignity in front of his classmates, is not right. And while I do respect the system, I do NOT respect men like you, Mr. Peterson, I don't. I can't. And I never will. Not after what you did. You have a good afternoon. *He leaves. Cut to Pacey sitting on a dock, alone, later that night. Andie walks up to him.* Andie: How'd it go? Pacey: As well as could be imagined. They're suspending me for a week. Why'd you bother coming down here? Andie: Because I care about you. Pacey: Do you? Andie: What kind of question is that? Pacey: It's a reasonable one, Andie. Do you have any idea what I went through today? Do you know how much I needed your support? Andie: Pacey, I can't support everything you do. I never will. Pacey: I don't need you to agree with everything I say, Andie. The world would be a boring place if you did. But what I do need to know is that somehow, some way, you're there for me. Andie: How dare you. I challenge one action of yours and you throw it in my face as if it's some kind of weakness? Pacey: It's not just me! You weren't there for your brother, either! Andie: Oh, yes I was. I apoligized to him and I was coming to apoligize for you but for some reason, I was struggling with it all the way down here. That reason has become crystal clear. Jack is innocent, Pacey. What's happening right now he has no control over. But you. Pacey, you knew exactly what you were doing in that classroom. Pacey: Well, what would you have me do, Andie? Just stand there and let Peterson do that to him? Andie: There are other ways of handling-- Pacey: When I knew the whole time that IT WAS MY FAULT. It was MY fault. Peterson knew that he couldn't get the best of me so he went after your brother. If I hadn't of instigated him that day...none of this would have happened. I did whatever I could to stop it. I had to stop it. Andie: Why didn't you tell me that you felt responsible? Pacey: Because, Andie, you didn't want to hear it. You just wanted me to clean up the mess. But there are some messes you just have to live with. I'm going home now. Andie: Do you want me to come with you? Pacey: No. Not tonight. *Pacey starts walking home. Cut to the Icehouse. Joey walks in while Jack is cleaning.* Joey: Hey Jack. Jack: Hey, where you been? I've been covering both shifts. Joey: Are you gay? Jack: Excuse me? Joey: Are you gay? You don't have to answer right away. I just had to ask right away because it's just been building up inside of me and there's just no easy way for a girl to ask her boyfriend if he's gay so I know that you already explained to me that the poem wasn't about a guy but I feel like when we discuss it we never really discuss it and I never really ask the one important question that you can feel free to answer any minute now so that-- Jack: No. I'm not gay. Joey: Okay. You don't know what a relief that is. I mean, I don't care, I would have dealt with it fine, I promise. Just who wants to deal with all the obvious and not obvious issues of a girl who's dating a guy who turns out to be gay and it's just so hard. *Jack puts his hands on her shoulders and she shuts up. They kiss.* Jack: Feel better? Joey: You don't even know. Would you do me a favor? Jack: Yeah, what? Joey: No more poems for awhile. Jack: You got it. No more poems. *They kiss and then they hug and Joey's face is of contentment and Jack seems to be deep in thought about...his sexuality.*

Plan: A: a compelling two-part episode; Q: What kind of episode was it? A: the Capeside High School; Q: What school does the gossip mill start at? A: his soul; Q: What does Jack bear in an English assignment? A: his innermost secrets; Q: What does Jack have to expose? A: his poem; Q: What does Jack have to read aloud in class? A: another boy; Q: Who does Jack's poem allude to? A: Joey; Q: Who does Jack tell that the poem meant nothing sexual? A: Pacey; Q: Who tries to defend Jack? A: an adversarial teacher; Q: What kind of teacher does Pacey face? A: Jen; Q: Who finds her latest suitor, Tyson "Ty" Hicks, is full of surprises? A: his deceased brother; Q: What does Jack tell Joey the poem was about? Summary: In a compelling two-part episode, the Capeside High School gossip mill kicks into overdrive after Jack bears his soul in an English assignment and is forced to expose his innermost secrets while reading his poem aloud in class. The poem alludes to feelings that Jack may have towards another boy. Dawson, Joey, and Andie are shaken by the implications of what it all means. Meanwhile, Pacey tries to defend Jack in the face of an adversarial teacher and Jen finds her latest suitor, Tyson "Ty" Hicks, is full of surprises. Jack later tells Joey that the poem meant nothing sexual and that it may have been about his deceased brother.

Scene: The stairwell. Leonard: So you see, what you're eating is not technically yoghurt, because it doesn't have enough live acidophilus cultures. It's really just iced milk with carragenin added for thickness. Penny: Oh, that's very interesting. Leonard: It's also not pink and has no berries. Penny: Yeah, but it doesn't really answer my question. Leonard: What was your question again? Penny: Do you want some. Leonard: Oh, right, no, I'm lactose intolerant. Penny: Right. Leonard: So, gas. Penny: Got it. Leonard: Well, good night. (They kiss. Camera cuts away to a wall mounted security cam above the lift. Leonard spots its movement and shuffles Penny away.) Penny: What are you doing? Leonard: There was a draft. Penny: I didn't feel a draft. Leonard: Why don't we just go into your.... Penny: Oh, yeah, you know what, maybe we should just slow things down a little. Leonard: No, no, I didn't mean to go into your apartment to... go fast. Penny: No, I know, I... I know what you meant, it's just... it's only our first date. Leonard: Yeah, okay, sure, no problem, why don't we just figure out where we're going, and when we want to get there, and then rate of speed equals distance over time. Solve for R. Penny: Or we could just wing it. Leonard: That might work too. Penny: Goodnight Leonard. Leonard: Goodnight. (He throws the camera a dirty look.) Cut to inside the apartment. Raj: He's coming. Screen saver. Howard: Oh, hey, Leonard, how was your date? Leonard: Bite me. Sheldon, how could you just sit there and let them spy on me? Sheldon: They were clever, Leonard. They exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing. Howard: You should thank us. When future generations try to determine why your relationship with Penny crashed and burned, this right here is the black box. Leonard: What are you talking about, the date went fine. Raj: Dude, she said she wants to slow things down. Leonard: Okay, so, she said she wants to slow things down. It's like saying "I'm really enjoying this meal, I'm going to slow down and savour it." Howard: No, it's like "this fish tastes bad, so I'm going to slow down and spit it out." Raj: You being the fish. Leonard: I'm not the fish. Howard: Oh really, did you make a second date. Leonard: Well, we sort of decided to wing it. Sheldon: Oh, even I know that's lame. Leonard: Okay, alright, let's assume your hypothesis. We went to dinner, we talked, we laughed, we kissed, where could I have possibly gone wrong. Howard: Think back, Leonard, the littlest things can set women off. Like, hey, the waitress is hot, I bet we could get her to come home with us. Or, how much does your mom weigh, I want to know what I'm getting into. Leonard: I didn't say anything like that. Howard: Good, 'cos they don't work. Raj: They also don't care for it if you stare at them and hyperventilate. Sadly, that's my home run swing. Leonard: Look, everything went fine. I didn't even have to refer to my impromptu conversation starters. The woman across the hall is into me. Howard: Let's go to the tape. Look at her reaction to the goodnight kiss, no change in respiration, pupils un-dilated, no flushing of the chest. Raj: Nice close up, by the way. Sheldon: Interesting, her jaws are clenched, no tongue access, clearly a bad sign amongst mating humans. Leonard: That's not a bad sign. Sheldon: Please, you might as well have been two iguana with no dewlap enlargement. Raj: And the worst sign of all is, you're here and not there. Leonard: I'm not there because I'm taking things slow. Which, by the way, compared to you guys approaches warp speed. And take down that camera. Raj: He was a lot more fun when he had no hope. Howard: Give him time. Credits sequence Scene: The laundry room. Sheldon is folding shirts. Penny (entering): Hi. Sheldon: Oh, hi Penny. FYI, the hot water is inadequate on machine 2 so colours only, and 4 is still releasing the fabric softener too early in the cycle so I'd avoid using that for your delicates. Penny (tipping all her laundry into one machine at once): Thanks. Sheldon: Oh, good Lord. Why don't you just take your clothes down to the river and beat them with a rock? Penny: Sheldon, may I ask you a question? Sheldon: I would prefer that you not, but I won't go so far as to forbid it. Penny: Alright, I heard yes, so... okay, here's my question, has Leonard ever dated, you know, a regular girl. Sheldon: Well I assume you're not referring to digestive regularity? Because I've come to learn that such inquiries are inappropriate. Penny: No, I meant has he ever been involved with someone who wasn't a braniac? Sheldon: Oh. Well, a few years ago he did go out with a woman who had a PhD in French Literature. Penny: How is that not a braniac? Sheldon: Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature. Penny: So, do you think that if Leonard and I keep dating he'll eventually get bored with me. Sheldon: That depends. Penny: On what? Sheldon: Do you have a working knowledge of quantum physics? Penny: No. Sheldon: Do you speak Klingon? Penny: No. Sheldon: Do you know any card tricks? Penny: Okay, okay, you know, I get it, Leonard has no business being involved with a waitress slash actress who felt so insecure that she lied to him about finishing community college. Sheldon: Why would you lie about that? Penny: Well, he was going on and on about this college and that grad school and I didn't want him to think I was some stupid loser. Sheldon: You thought the opposite of stupid loser was community college graduate? Penny: You know, there are a lot of successful people in this country who are community college graduates. Sheldon: Yeah, but you were neither. Penny: Right, okay look, this is between you and me, you cannot tell Leonard any of this. Sheldon: You're asking me to keep a secret? Penny: Yeah. Sheldon: Well I'm sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret keeping. You can't impose a secret on an ex post facto basis. Penny: What? Sheldon: Secret keeping is a complicated endeavour. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expression, autonomic reflexes, when I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a lyme disease research facility. (Long pause.) It's a joke. It relies on the hominymic relationship between tick the blood-sucking arachnid, and tic the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself. Penny: Okay, look, if Leonard finds out that I lied, I will absolutely die of embarrassment. Sheldon: Physiologically impossible. Penny: Oh Sheldon, please, look, I'm asking you as a friend. Sheldon: So you're saying that friendship contains within it an inherent obligation to maintain confidences? Penny: Well, yeah. Sheldon: Interesting. See, one more question, and perhaps I should have led with this, when did we become friends? Scene: The stairwell. Sheldon: I.e, I couldn't become Green Lantern unless I was chosen by the guardians of Oa, but given enough start-up capital and an adequate research facility, I could be Batman. Leonard: You could be Batman? Sheldon: Sure. (In a gravelly voice) I'm Batman. See. Penny (arriving): Hi guys. Leonard: Hey. Sheldon (looking the other way uncomfortably): Hi Penny. Leonard: Hey, Penny, if you're not doing anything Friday night I thought maybe we could go and see a movie. Penny: Oh, um, you know, I think I have the dinner shift on Friday. Leonard: What about Saturday? Penny: You know, I'm not sure, the manager hasn't posted the schedule yet, how about I let you know. Leonard: Great. So you just let me know when you know. So... (she leaves) Oh God, I am the bad fish! What did I do wrong? Sheldon: Why are you asking me, I have no information about your interactions with Penny other than what you provided me, nor do I have any method of learning such things. (Runs away.) Leonard (chasing him): What does that mean? Sheldon: Nothing. You seem to be implying an informational back channel between me and Penny where obviously none exists. Leonard: No I didn't. Sheldon: I just think you need to be careful how you phrase things, sir. Leonard: What's going on with you? Sheldon: Well I might ask you the same question. Why do you insist on attempting to drag me into matters which have nothing to do with me? But exist between you and Penny. A person to whom I barely speak. (His eye begins to twitch.) Leonard: What's wrong with your face? Sheldon: There's no reason to bring my looks into this. Good day, Leonard. Leonard: What? Sheldon: I said Good Day! (He leaves) Leonard: Good day? Scene: The Cheesecake Factory Penny: Also today we have a fresh caught Alaska salmon, and that's served with a teriyaki glaze and sticky rice. Our soup of the day... Sheldon (appearing behind her): You must release me from my oath. Penny: Sheldon, I'm working. Sheldon: Why don't you take a minute to decide (leads her away)I can't keep your secret Penny. I'm going to fold like an energy based anobo protein in conformational space. Like a renaissance triptych. Like a cheap suit. Penny: Oh, look, why is it so hard for you to keep one little secret? Sheldon: I'm constitutionally incapable. That's why I was refused clearance for a very prestigious government research fellowship at a secret military supercollider, located beneath a fake agricultural station 12.5 miles south east of Travers City, Michigan. Which you did not hear about from me. Penny: Look, just forget I told you about me not graduating from community college. Okay? Sheldon: Forget! You want me to forget? This mind does not forget. I haven't forgotten a single thing since the day my mother stopped breast feeding me. It was a drizzly Tuesday. Penny: Okay, look, you promised me you would keep my secret so you're just going to have to figure out a way to do it. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon (entering): Leonard, I'm moving out. Leonard: What do you mean, you're moving out? Why? Sheldon: There doesn't have to be a reason. Leonard: Yeah, there kind of does. Sheldon: Not necessarily. This is a classic example of munchausen's trilemma. Either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons leading to an infinite regression, or it tracks back to arbitrary axiomatic statements, or it's ultimately circular, i.e., I'm moving out because I'm moving out. Leonard: I'm still confused. Sheldon: Leonard, I don't see how I could have made it any simpler. Howard (entering): Hey, qu'est q'wass up? Raj: We just got back from that exhibit of those plasticised human cadavers. Howard: And some of those skinless chicks were hot. Sheldon: If you'll excuse me, I'm going to pack. Howard: That's kind of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia. Leonard: It's not you, Howard, he says he's moving out. Raj: What did you do? Did you change the contrast or brightness settings on the television? Leonard: No. Raj: Did you take a band aid off in front of him? Leonard: No. Howard: Did you buy generic ketchup, forget to rinse the sink, talk to him through the bathroom door? Raj: Adjust the thermostat, cook with cilantro, pronounce the T in often? Leonard: No. Howard: Did you make fun of trains? Leonard: I didn't do anything, he's just gone insane. Raj: Well, we all knew this day was coming. Leonard: That was fast. Sheldon: It's my pre-packed disaster evacuation bag. Recommended by the department of homeland security. And Sarah Connor. Leonard: Where are you gonna live? Sheldon: Until I find a permanent place I will stay with friends. Howard: Bye (runs out.) Raj: Well you can't stay with me, I have a teeny tiny apartment. Sheldon: Excuse me, but isn't hosting guests an aspect of Menushya Yajna, one of the five central religious duties or sacrifices of the Hindu householder? Raj: I hate trains. Sheldon: Don't be ridiculous, you love trains. Raj: Yes I do, come on. See you later Leonard. (Sheldon drops keys in bowl and leaves without a word.) Leonard: This could work. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Raj's apartment. Sheldon: This is a very old building. Raj: Sixty years. Used to be a watch factory. Sheldon: Uh-oh. Raj: What? Sheldon: Don't you worry about the residual radium from the luminous dials? Raj: Not until now. Sheldon: I can't believe I didn't bring my gieger counter. You know, I had it on my bed and I didn't pack it. Raj: Well, if you're not comfortable staying here, Sheldon... Sheldon: I'm kidding, I packed it. It was a joke, I was subverting the conversational expectations. I believe they call that the, um, old switcheroo. Raj: Terrific. Sheldon (referring to Bollywood singing on television): Is that woman Aishwarya Rai? Raj: Yes, isn't she an amazing actress. Sheldon: Actually, I'd say she's a poor man's Madhuri Dixit. Raj: How dare you. Aishwarya Rai is a Goddess. By comparison Madhuri Dixit is a leprous prostitute. Sheldon: Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. Obviously you're not that familiar with Indian cinema. Scene: Howard's house. The door rings. Howard: Who is it? Voice: Strippergram. (Howard opens door. Outside are Raj and Sheldon.) Raj: Tag. You're it. (Runs away.) Howard: Shouldn't you have put him in a brown paper bag and set him on fire? Scene: Howard's bedroom. Howard is in bed, Sheldon is on a blow up mattress on the floor. Sheldon: I've never slept on an air mattress before. No lumbar support whatsoever. Howard: Maybe you'd be happier on a park bench? Sheldon: I don't see any way to get a park bench in here. Howard: Do you want to switch? Sheldon: No, that's fine. I'm perfectly comfortable sleeping on a bouncy castle. Howard: Get out of bed, we're switching. Sheldon: Now, only if you want to. Howard: Just get in the bed! Howard's mother (off): What's going on? Are you boys roughhousing? Howard: We're just talking ma. Howard's mother: If you don't settle down right now, I'm not going to let you have any more sleepovers. Howard: For God's sake, ma, I'm 27 years old. It's not even a school night! (To Sheldon) Comfy now? Sheldon: Meh. That poster of Halle Berry's a little unnerving. Howard: So don't look at it. Sheldon: She's like my fourth favourite catwoman. Howard: No kidding? Sheldon: Yeah, Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt and then her. Howard: What about Lee Meriwether? Sheldon: Oh, I forgot about Lee Meriwether. Howard: Well I'm glad that's settled. Sheldon: That makes Halle Berry my fifth favourite catwoman. There's Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt, Lee Meriwether... Howard: Please, I'm begging you, go to sleep. Sheldon: I'm trying, I'm counting catwomen. She did make a fine mutant in the X-Men movies though. Howard: Oh for God's sake. Sheldon: But she's not my favourite of the X-Men, in order that would be Wolverine, Cyclops, oh wait, I forgot Professor X. Professor X, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, then Storm, Angel, the Beast, oh wait, Nightcrawler. Professor X, Nightcrawler, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, then Storm, Angel.... Scene: Sheldon and Leonard's apartment. There is an urgent rapping at the door. Leonard: I'm coming! (Opens the door. Sheldon falls inside, wearing his pyjamas. Howard is outside.) Sheldon: Hey, there he is, there's my old buddy-bud-bud. Leonard: What's with him? Howard: Koothrappali dumped him on me, and he couldn't get to sleep, so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom's valium in it. But he still wouldn't shut up, so, tag, you're it. Sheldon: I'm ba-ack! Leonard: I still don't know why you left. Sheldon: I can't tell you. Leonard: Why not. Sheldon: I promised Penny. Leonard: You promised Penny what? Sheldon: That I wouldn't tell you the secret. Shhhhh! Leonard: What secret. Tell me the secret. Sheldon: Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can't tell Dad. Leonard: Not that secret, the other secret. Sheldon: I'm Batman. Shhhhh! Leonard: Dammit, Sheldon! You said Penny told you a secret, what was the secret. Sheldon: Okay, I'll tell you, but you can't tell Leonard. Leonard: I promise. Sheldon: Penny lied about graduating from community college because she is afraid she's not smart enough for Leonard. Leonard: So it's nothing I did? It's her problem? Sheldon: I drank milk that tasted funny. Leonard: Penny thinks I'm too smart for her, that's ridiculous. Sheldon: I know, most of your work is extremely derivative. Don't worry, that's not a secret. Everybody knows. Scene: The hallway. Leonard is outside Penny's door. Penny (opening door): Hi. Leonard: Yeah, hi, listen, I know what's been bothering you about us, and I have the answer. Penny: What are you talking about. Leonard: First I want to say that it's not Sheldon's fault, he tried very hard to keep your secret, if Howard hadn't drugged him he would have taken it to his grave. Penny: He told you? Leonard: Yes, but it's okay. Now that we know what the problem is, there's a simple solution. (Hands her a brochure.) Penny: Pasadena city college? Leonard: A place for fun, a place for knowledge. See, this man here's playing hacky sack, and this girl's going to be a paralegal. Penny: Wow, I get it, because Dr Leonard Hofstadter can't date a girl without a fancy college degree. Leonard: Well, it's really not that fancy, it's just a city college. Penny: Right, but I have to have some sort of degree to date you? Leonard: That doesn't matter to me at all. Penny: So, it's fine with you if I'm not smart. Leonard: Absolutely. (She slams the door in his face.) Okay, this time I know where I went wrong. (Looking up and seeing the camera) Oh bite me! FADE TO BLACK

Plan: A: the Season 1 finale; Q: What episode is this? A: Penny; Q: Who does Leonard date? A: a webcam; Q: What did Howard and Raj use to spy on Leonard and Penny? A: the camera; Q: What did Leonard spot? A: things; Q: What does Penny tell Leonard to slow down? A: his inner conflict; Q: What causes Sheldon to move out of the apartment? A: Madhuri Dixit; Q: Who does Sheldon compare unfavorably to Aishwarya Rai? A: Howard's house; Q: Where does Raj leave Sheldon? A: Valium; Q: What drug did Howard give Sheldon? A: The drugged Sheldon; Q: Who tells Leonard the secret? A: The next morning; Q: When does Leonard suggest Penny should join Pasadena City College? A: Pasadena City College; Q: What college does Leonard suggest Penny join? A: her door; Q: What does Penny slam in Leonard's face? Summary: Following the Season 1 finale, Leonard and Penny return from their first date while Howard and Raj spy on them using a webcam in the hall between their apartments. Leonard, spotting the camera, suggests going over to her apartment, but she misunderstands him and tells him to "slow things down". The guys try to convince Leonard that the date went badly, which he denies. Penny later tells Sheldon that she lied to Leonard about graduating from community college, feeling he would not want to date a woman who is not smart, and makes Sheldon promise not to tell him. Sheldon cannot easily keep secrets, and moves out of the apartment to escape his inner conflict. He first stays with Raj, but after Sheldon criticizes Aishwarya Rai, comparing her unfavorably to Madhuri Dixit, Raj leaves him at Howard's house. Sheldon talks instead of sleeping, so Howard gives him Valium, which fails to work, and finally takes him back to the apartment. The drugged Sheldon tells Leonard the secret. The next morning, Leonard suggests Penny should join Pasadena City College, but after she asks, says he does not mind dating someone who is not smart, at which she slams her door in his face.

Opening scene - Cohen kitchen in the morning - Trey is making breakfast and Ryan comes in Ryan: hey Trey: (looks up) hey Ryan: what're you makin, moms hang over special Trey: (smiles) what'do you mean, pack'a smokes and a fresh cocktail (Ryan smiles) (beats eggs) nope just uh somethin I picked up in prison (Ryan looks at him) (Seth comes in) Seth: ah yeah the old scallion an shiv ? omelet (nods) I've seen lock up, Stallone's (points) finest work since over the top Trey: Stallone huh, nah I'm more of a Van Damme fan (looks at Seth matter of factly) Ryan: what're you kidding me, Segal man Seth: yeah a divided house cannot eat, now we all gotta get together behind a single action hero (Sandy comes in) Sandy: Steve McQueen Seth: Steve ma-who (looks at Sandy) Sandy: oh my own son doesn't know Steve McQueen Trey: (nods) y'know alotta people like Great Escape, I gotta go with Bullitt Sandy: he cooks breakfast an a McQueen fan, I knew I liked you Ryan: (to Sandy) how was surfing Sandy: unbelievable (motions 'huge waves' with his hand) Trey: (looks at Sandy) you surf Seth: he surfs, he sings (Sandy smiles) he technically fights crime maybe Sandy Cohen could be our action here Sandy: just say the word my son Trey: (to Sandy) you think you could give me a (shrugs) surf lesson some time (Kirsten comes in) Kirsten: oooh better you then me, he's ben tryin'a get me out there for years (phone rings) Sandy: (frowns) I have tried, I have tried, I have failed, I have failed Kirsten: (looks at the phone) Julie Cooper (smiles) this cant be good (walks away to answer the phone) Seth: (to Trey) Julie is uh Marissa's mom Trey: oooh so (thinks) Ryan's mother in-law (Ryan looks at him) Sandy: what, what Ryan an Marissa...what Seth: it's on Sandy: really, I am always the last ta know (Ryan sits down at the bench) Ryan: there's nothin to know Trey: oh really, cause...that's not what it looked like the other night (shrugs) you comin'ta Marissa's rescue an all (Ryan looks away) Sandy: well he's very chivalrous, not unlike a young Steve McQueen Seth: yeah some people say chivalry's dead (shakes his head) I don't believe it Ryan: (almost fed up) there's nothing goin on with me an Marissa (looks at Sandy) Sandy: nothing Trey: (frowns) really Seth: (leans forward) Ryan (Ryan looks from Seth, to Trey and then Sandy) Ryan: ...we're takin it slow (Seth, Sandy and Trey all make oohhh noises. its all over each other so I can't catch specifics, sorry!) Seth: yyyyyeeeeeaaaahhhhh (claps, laughs) takin it slow (Ryan smiles and motions towards himself, as if to say yeah yeah, I can take it) Sandy: oh it's a good thing she's no longer your neighbour Seth: that's right, its hard'ta take it slow with her next door (Kirsten comes back in) Kirsten: sooo, Caleb an Julie are off on their trip Sandy: oh what're we gonna do without em Kirsten: well for starters...housekeeper got deported (Ryan raises his eyebrow) an so there's no one to stay in the house with Marissa (Ryan listens) so I told Julie that Marissa could stay here for the week (Sandy looks from Kirsten to Ryan, stunned. Trey looks at Ryan, enjoying it. Kirsten looks at Ryan, oblivious) Seth: (smiles) that'll keep things at a snails pace (nods) (Ryan looks worried) Theme song - California by Phantom Planet Caleb's mansion - we see it from the outside, then we see Marissa in her bathroom. she zips up a toiletry bag and walks back into her bedroom where Summer is Summer: I can't believe you're moving in with the Cohen's Marissa: it's just for the week, besides this way I can keep an eye on your boyfriend (smiles) (puts toiletry bag into a suitcase) Summer: and yours Marissa: what, I'm not dating Seth Summer: (looks at Marissa) Coop, you know who I mean Marissa: no, I don't cause I don't have a boyfriend (picks up Share Bear) Summer: rrright, yeah you an Ryan staying under the same tent drove Alex outta town (Marissa puts Share Bear in her suitcase) cant - imagine what's gonna happen with you two under the same roof Marissa: nothing will happen Summer: (frowns) yeah nothing - will happen in this (picks up a sexy PJ top from the suitcase) Marissa: (smiles) what? it's cute! Summer: yeah well if you think its cute wearing something that screams (overly dramatic, softly) take me now Marissa: look it's the middle of spring, its too hot to wear flannel PJ's (walks over to her drawer) Summer: what's gonna be too hot is you wearing this, an Ryan seeing you wearing this Marissa: he's not gonna see me wearing it! (picks up flannel PJs) but just incase CUT TO: Cohen bedroom - Kirsten is on the phone Kirsten: no I know (closes her eyes) eh...don't worry ill-ill-ill handle it, ill find a replacement...ok thanks, bye (hangs up) (in the background Sandy has entered the room) Kirsten: (sees Sandy) mm, oh hey honey...what're ya doin Sandy: y'know headin inta the office (sits) start work on the low income housing initiative Kirsten: so you're free then Sandy: (looks at Kirsten) no (laughs) what's up Kirsten: well you know, the OC charity yard sale that I was supposed'ta chair but cant because I'm working Sandy: (suprised) the OC has a charity yard sale Kirsten: well the donors get to keep half the money so it's not just for charity Sandy: (frowns) I thought all the yards around here were gated Kirsten: it's in a ball room...of a country club Sandy: so a charity event where the donors keep half the profits, an a yard sale with no yard, hm (stands) so that's how they do it in the OC Kirsten: Sandy (stands) (moves closer) I was jus wondering if you could do me a...tiny...little favor Sandy: (looks at Kirsten, looks away then looks back) (smiles) no (Kirsten looks at him desperately) no way (smiles, laughs and walks out) Kirsten: n- (sighs) (follows) Sandy it's an honorary chair, a figure head position, you'd be the master of ceremonies like an auctioneer an you know what an MC has Sandy: an unfair advantage, you know the opponents weakness Kirsten: that's right, a microphone, on a stage, with an audience, a captive - audience Sandy: and a few show tunes perhaps (turns around to face Kirsten) Kirsten: no (smiles) you just have'ta go by the club today an say hello Sandy: (caving) just a figure head Kirsten: (kisses Sandy's cheek) with a mic (smiles) CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Seth pushes the dishes in the dishwasher. Trey and Ryan are in there still, and Sandy walks in Sandy: hey men, I'm chairin the OC pseudo charity non yard sale Seth: (on the way out) gee dad that is fantastic Ryan: (also on the way out) good luck with that Sandy: I need your help, what'ya doin Seth: well I (looks at Ryan) never thought id be so happy to say this but Ryan an I have school (screws up his face, in fake disappointment and clicks his finger) Ryan: eh (screws up his face and points to his watch) Sandy: that's your excuse today, tomorrow your mine (to Trey) what're you doin today Trey: (frowns) lookin for a job Sandy: I got one for ya, me you...an the Newpsie's (raises eyebrows) Trey: (frowns) what's...a Newpsie... CUT TO: The country club - we see an aerial shot of the country club. then we are inside with Sandy and Trey. there are things to auction everywhere, pictures, silverware, furniture etc Sandy: (off screen) there like vultures except (on screen) the Newpsie's like to paint their talons, actually they'd rather have somebody else paint their talons, ohp, here comes the flock right now Joan: Sandy Cohen, right on time Sandy: we jus stopped by to say hello, an test the mic Taryn: (looks at Trey) oh and you brought a friend (smiles) Sandy: yes indeed, Trey (points) meet Newport's finest (to the women) Trey came along just incase we needed a little help but I see ya don't (looks around) my goodness you guys are pro's (Trey smiles) we're gonna get outta your hair Taryn: uh actually, it's great that your here (nods) Joan: the moving company we hired got a flat tyre an now we have no one ta do the heavy lifting (looks at Trey) Trey: heavy...lifting...I guess I-I (raises eyebrows) could do that Joan: oh, thank god, follow me (Trey looks back at Sandy as they walk away) Sandy: ill be back to pick ya up in a couple'a hours (Taryn smiles at him) I'm glad he could help out (goes to leave) Taryn: um, Sandy (grabs Sandy's arm) the job of the chair is to choose table linens, flat ware, centre pieces Sandy: (looks at Taryn) alright ok, ill help Trey with the lifting Taryn: uh, we need you Sandy, you're the honorary chair it's not just a figure head position Sandy: (disappointed) its not CUT TO: Harbor school - we see kids outside walking around, and then we see Seth and Ryan sit down in the student lounge Seth: let me jus paint a picture of what could maybe happen, now its late at night an your thirsty (Ryan looks away) so is she so ya meet up at the fridge (Ryan looks at him) (guy voice) hey (girly voice) hey (guy voice) you (girly voice) maybe just you, lets kiss on the mouth (closes his eyes and makes kissing motions/sounds) ok (more kissing, Ryan looks at him and frowns) (getting into it) oh lets french hard, aaah (Marissa comes over to the couch) Marissa: what're you doing Seth: (quickly stops and turns around to face Marissa) hey (stands) I gotta get goin to class or I'm gonna be late Marissa: was Seth talking about me (almost blushing) an how awkward its gonna be when I move in Ryan: (plays dumb) you're movin in, I had no idea (stands) Marissa: (suprised) really, cause my mom said she called Kirsten an ran it by you guys Ryan: hm, no, no, but your movin in (raises eyebrows) that's great Marissa: it won't be awkward, right Ryan: pfff, is this awkward Marissa: (thinks) no, not at all (smiles) Ryan: great see you at home (walks away) (Marissa walks in front of the camera and out of the shot - we then see Ryan walking in the hall. he walks by Seth at his locker) Seth: hey (Ryan pushes Seth hard in the back making him slam into his locker {it's hilarious to watch!} we hear the bang, then see the back of Ryan as he keeps walking) Seth: (yells) don't blame me for your sexual tension (Zach walks over) Zach: hey Cohen Seth: hey (shakes Zach's hand) Zach: you know what's comin out on DVD this weekend Seth: yeah I sure do, Elektra, an there's a reason (points) I didn't see that crap in the theatres Zach: come on Seth: ever since the whole comic book debacle I kinda promised Summer i'd dial it down a bit Zach: (opens his bag) I'm in the same boat, my mom (pulls out a stack of comics) is making me donate ten'a these for the charity yard sale Seth: dude your a martyr, that sucks Zach: eh, anyway ill see ya around (walks away) Seth: yeah, hey, hey, hey Zach (Zach turns back) I've got an idea, why don't I donate five'a mine, spare you five'a yours, we'll go in on it together Zach: you'd do that Seth: yeah, look we really should be putting comic books behind us anyways Zach: an it's for charity Seth: that's right, so we'll split the profits right Zach: absolutely Seth: alright, good stuff (hits Zach's arm with his hand) CUT TO: The country club - Trey and Joan are in the backroom with all the stuff that is being auctioned. Trey has a large ottoman over his shoulder Joan: easy with that, it's worth thousands of dollars Trey: well then why wouldn't they want it (begins to put it down) seems like a perfectly good stool Joan: it's an antique ottoman, an it's hideous. now onto the bar relief Trey: what's this Joan: oh, David Pastors father in-laws brother ran the prop house at Warner Brothers, it's from some Tom Cruise movie (Trey is looking at the crystal egg, mesmerised) Trey: this is...the crystal egg...from Risky Business Joan: well it's not the F fourteen from Top Gun Trey: (small smile) that is so cool...this thing must be worth a fortune Joan: (looks at the tag) let's see it's appraised at ten thousand Trey: (still staring at the egg) that's a fortune Joan: (not fazed) I guess... come Trey (Trey looks up) come (motions for Trey to walk away from the egg) (Trey follows Joan, not before looking back at the egg one last time) FADE TO: The beach - we see the sun slowly setting and the waves crashing on the beach CUT TO: Cohen front door - Kirsten has the door opened and Marissa is standing there with her things, ready to move in Kirsten: welcome to casa Cohen (Marissa walks in, smiles) we're almost at capacity but there's always room for one more (shuts the door) Marissa: well thanks for letting me stay here Kirsten: well I couldn't let you stay in the mansion all by yourself (looks at Marissa) Marissa: (laughs) so where do you want me Kirsten: good question (Marissa and Kirsten both look in the direction of the kitchen) CUT TO: Seth's bedroom - Seth is sitting on his floor looking through comics, Ryan is lying on his bed looking at a comic Ryan: so what're you doin with these things Seth: (doesn't look up) making a grand sacrifice for charity Ryan, its all in a days work...when does Marissa get here Ryan: I don't know, you want another dead arm Seth: ...no thankyou Ryan: I'm gonna go see if Treys back (sits up) wonder how it went (gets up) Seth: well I didn't hear about any Newpsie knifings on the news so Ryan: hey you wanna go a little living room re-match Seth: yeah, yeah lets make it a three-way (Ryan looks at him) what (frowns) that came out weird (looks down) ill meet you downstairs CUT TO: The backyard - Ryan is walking towards the pool house. he walks up the stairs and opens the pool house door, thinking nothing of it. inside we see a topless Marissa, from the back. she's holding her shirt to her chest to cover herself, and looking at Ryan over her shoulder. we can also see her tattoo just above the waist of her pants Marissa: (shocked, turns on the side) hi Ryan: (sees, shuts the door a little, gasps) you're not Trey (looks away, avoiding eye contact) Marissa: mm, Kirsten moved him (looks at Ryan) Ryan: I'm gonna go find him then Marissa: ok (smiles) Ryan: (looks down) right, um sorry, you know I- (frowns) if anyone should know about knocking before entering the pool house (Seth comes up behind him and walks away) (laughs) that'd be me Marissa: (shrugs it off) nothing you haven't seen before, right Ryan: (breathes in) right (Marissa looks at him) (realises and shuts the door) (Ryan turns around to walk away and sees Seth standing there) Seth: that didn't take long (motions with his head) c'mon Treys inside wearin a shirt (Ryan looks at Seth then back towards the pool house door. we see the silhouette of Marissa, Ryan blinks then walks back towards the house and we see the silhouette of Marissa again, then she walks away from the door) CUT TO: Cohen house, early morning - we see Ryan in bed. he has his arms underneath his head, and he looks restless. he's also showing his upper chest, and the blanket covers the rest of him. after a few seconds he sits up on his elbows and looks over at the alarm clock, it reads 6:00. we then hear snoring, he looks over at Trey who is sound asleep next to his bed, he looks at the clock again then gets out of bed and walks passed Trey CUT TO: The pool house - we see Marissa lying in bed in the PJs from earlier, wide awake staring at the ceiling. she sits up on her elbow and realises the top button of her PJ top is undone, she looks down and buttons it up. she looks over at the alarm clock which changes from 6:00 to 6:01, we see Marissa again, she looks as though she's thinking CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - a sleepy Ryan walks in, he rubs his eyes then opens the fridge. he pulls the milk out and shuts the fridge. he turns around and looks suprised. we then see a sleepy Marissa walking through the kitchen door, she stops when she sees Ryan Marissa: hey Ryan: hey (Marissa stands there, not saying anything) couldn't sleep Marissa: me either (sighs) Ryan: hungry (holds up the milk) Marissa: sure (walks over to the bench) (Ryan grabs two spoons and goes over to where Marissa is. Marissa sits up on the bench while Ryan stands next to her making them both breakfast) Ryan: (looks at Marissa, smiles) nice PJ's (Marissa smiles) aren't ya hot Marissa: I get cold Ryan: (looks at Marissa, softly) ah right (Marissa watches him for a few seconds) how's the pool house Marissa: ...uh weird (shrugs) you know the only time I've ever slept in that bed I was...with you (looks at Ryan) (Ryan looks up at Marissa, Marissa looks back at him. we then see their hands close up. Marissa has hers resting on the bench next to her leg, and Ryan moves his hand closer to hers. his pinky just touches the edge of her hand and the lights suddenly go on. Ryan quickly pulls his hand away) Trey: uh-hh Marissa: (shuts her eyes and rubs them) whoa (Ryan rubs his eyes) (a sleepy Trey watches them both) Trey: you guys are up early Marissa: (nods, opens her eyes) hm Trey: hope I'm not...interrupting anything at the same time: Marissa: no it's cool Ryan: uh no its fine uh-hh Trey: jus gotta get a jump on the day (stretches) mm apartment hunting Marissa: (gets down from the bench) hey, you know I know a place that's available Trey: yeah Marissa: it was my friend Alex's Trey: you wanna check it out man Ryan: nah, nah I cant I gotta...help Sandy with the yard sale Trey: (shakes his head) don't mess with those Newpsie's (Marissa & Ryan smile) but hey I did my time yesterday Marissa: well, I'm free (Ryan looks at her) I could go with you (Trey points at Marissa then makes a thumbs up. Marissa nods) Ryan: there you go (hands Marissa breakfast) Marissa: thanks (goes and sits at the kitchen table) Ryan: Trey jus so you know its cool you don't have'ta find a place Trey: I love you like a brother, brother (Ryan looks at him) but we're too old to be sleepin in the same room (hits Ryan on the chest) Ryan: (softly) yeah Trey: besides, think I'm gettin in the way (Trey leaves the kitchen and we see Marissa eating her breakfast, Ryan watches her then looks down) CUT TO: The country club - we see the flash from a camera, then we see Seth with a polaroid camera in his hands. Ryan is standing just to the left of him. the photo spits out of the camera and Ryan takes the item off the table and puts it back where it was Seth: alright buddy, its catch up time, since the pool house has ben occupied there hasn't really ben any privacy so this'll have'ta do (Ryan puts the ottoman on the table) have there ben any uh midnight run-ins involving say yoohoo an under-thingies Ryan: there's nothing going on Seth (touches Seth's cheek as he walks passed) Seth: ok, you be that way Ryan: yeah Seth: (holds the camera up again) alright ottoman work with me, your sexy get nasty, work with me you ottoman you little (walks backwards, the crystal egg is right behind him) that's it your a cougar, your a panther an your in the woods (Seth bumps the table with the egg on it, ith his butt and it begins to topple over in slow motion. *slow motion* Ryan turns around and sees it going. we see the egg again falling more. Ryan looks at it, panicked. he goes to dive for it just as it falls off the stand and bounces towards the floor. Ryan catches it in his hands just in time) Ryan: Seth Seth: (oblivious) what (turns around) what (Ryan gets up off his knees, egg in hand) Seth: (laughs) hey, good save, that things probably worth a million dollars Ryan: (reads the tag) ten thousand, huh, says it's from Risky Business Seth: really, hey dude turn it the other way it's got a crack in it Ryan: alright got it, alright (Seth takes a photo of the egg - we then see Sandy in the ball room with the Newpsie's) Sandy: hello (looks around) whoa ow ladies, I-I I hate to say I told you so (points) but these centre pieces an those table cloths they-they clash, Taryn I told ya to get those linens with the hem stitch Taryn: I-I know Sandy I know (folds up the table cloth) Sandy: I'm sorry but...ya have no one else to blame but yourself, ow (Kirsten and Carter walk in) Kirsten: who are you (folds her arms, smiles) an what'did you do with my husband Sandy: well if it isn't our proud sponsor Kirsten: I uh I brought the banner, an Carter (smiles) Sandy: Carter Carter: Sandy I had no idea you were so multi faceted Sandy: ah (stops) Joan (Carter looks where Sandy is) tell me you didn't order those napkin rings (Joan looks at the rings) this is not a mob wedding Joan: gosh Sandy I thought they were kind of fun Sandy: no (holds his hand out) (Carter laughs) Kirsten: uh who wants to help me hang the banner Sandy: ask Taryn, please she's screwin up the table cloths, get her off the table cloths Kirsten: ok (looks at Sandy then Carter and walks away) Sandy: thirsty Carter: yes (they walk over to the food and drink table) Sandy: so you an Kirsten have ben...spendin alot'a time workin together (Carter nods) long hours...late nights Carter: Sandy you have a great wife, I'm sorry to keep her from you (Sandy nods) from everything she says, we should be friends (smiles) Sandy: well here's to bein friends, you me... an Kirsten (they clink cups) CUT TO: Alex's old apartment - Marissa is standing in the door way leaning against the door frame. the apartment is completely bare. Trey is checking out Trey: (nods) so this chick jus split Marissa: (looks down almost sadly, then looks at Trey) ...moved back to her parents, yeah Landlord: an didn't get her damage deposit back either...so we got a decision, I got a tenant in 6A who's pipes burst, I gotta get down there before they drown (Marissa looks at Trey) Trey: (nods) ill take it Landlord: great (Marissa smiles, and walks in) ill need first an last months rent plus security Trey: (thinks) uh that's three thousand dollars I...(looks at Marissa) Marissa: uh hey you know, what if we make you a better offer, I mean you know those busted pipes (shrugs, looks at Trey) Trey here's quite handy, him with a sledge hammer (raises eyebrows) amazing Trey: I think she means hammer but, but yeah what if I uh...became your guy (raises eyebrows) anything breaks down ill fix it Landlord: (considers) ill call you tonight with an answer, jus leave your number (Trey smiles at Marissa, Marissa nods. Trey writes down his number) CUT TO: The country club - Zach comes out of the elevator into the back room where Seth is still busy photographing everything Zach: Cohen Seth: hey Zach: I hear your the guy to see about the uh inventory (holds up comics) Seth: hey um will you help me, I've gotta take pictures of all of this crap Zach: yeah Seth: ok thanks, alright hold it up (Zach holds the comics on top of the ottoman from earlier) more, more, more, your naughty Zach: (frustrated) jus take the picture Seth: you're an animal in the woods (Zach frowns) (Seth takes the picture and Zach puts the comics down. the photo comes out) Carter: excuse me, are you Seth (Seth looks over) hey Carter Buckley (shakes Seth's hand) I-I'm working with uh Seth: oh, yeah it's my mom (points to himself) Carter: your mom Seth: how are you Carter: Newport Living, she said you were quite the...comics fan Seth: oh, was, was (points) Zach an I here are actually movin on Carter: hi (shakes Zach's hand) Zach: yeah we're auctioning off our comics Carter: your mom said ya had your own comic Seth: oh Zach: we did, we almost sold it to wild storm (puts something new up to be photographed) save for a melt down during the pitch Seth: yeah, but we're puttin that behind us now Carter: must be hard to walk away from, your own comic (Seth takes the photo) Zach: you weren't at the meeting, I don't think Cohen's picked up a pencil since that fateful Valentines Day Seth: well you know I've actually ben sort of... Zach: (suprised) you-you went on without me Carter: how many issues do you have Seth: uh (thinks) probably have enough for like twelve or thirteen stories Carter: that's like the perfect amount for a graphic novel Seth: oh I always wanted to write the uh great American graphic novel but (shakes his head and looks at Zach) we cannot (points) Zach: (excited) yes we can, c'mon Cohen this is awesome! (looks at Carter) Seth: I know but its not even up'ta me, you know who it's up to Zach: who's it up to (Seth says something then takes a photo, sorry I can't work out what he says, but it's referencing Summer) CUT TO: Summers bedroom - Summer pulls some clothes out of her wardrobe, and Seth comes in behind her and holds her from behind Seth: hello Summer my dearest (kisses Summer's head) mmmwa Summer: ooook what'do you want Cohen (walks over to her bed) thought you were working at the yard sale Seth: cant a guy jus show his lady a little bit'a love (Summer looks at him) ok uh I was at the yard sale...an Zach an I got to talking Summer: Zach was there, glad to hear that you two'a you are putting the past behind you Seth: well uh (sits on the bed) about the past...so Zach an I got to talking, an we're sorta chatting about uh...our passions an our dreams an- Summer: ooooh that make you think of me, that is so sweet (kisses Seth) mwa Seth: ...no actually Summer: (looks at Seth) really, because the only other passions you have besides me are (Seth looks at her) Captain Oats, whiney music an well (closes her eyes) I know it cant be comic books because if you bring up you an Zach an atomic county (serious) ill kill you both while you sleep (smiles) (Seth looks at Summer, not saying anything) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Cohen backyard - Sandy is cooking food and Kirsten walks over to him with a bottle of wine and two glasses Kirsten: I hope you approve of the table cloth that I have selected for dinner (smiles) Sandy: I really don't care about table cloths honey, I just enjoy watchin those Newpsie's (laughs) squirm, have I mentioned how much I like Carter Kirsten: a few times, yes Sandy: after Jimmy left I thought i'd said goodbye to my last friend, but Carter (turns around to look at Kirsten, who has her back to him) I think he's a keeper Kirsten: (turns around) really (smiles) well, that's great (hands Sandy a glass) Sandy: yeah we're talkin about hangin out next week, maybe get some drinks Kirsten: well I know he likes drinks (smiles, the smile goes and she looks worried, she takes a drink) CUT TO: Cohen living room - Ryan is lying on the couch playing the playstation. Marissa and Trey come in from the hallway. Marissa is smiling Trey: you are looking (points to himself) at a proud new renter Ryan: what (sits up) wow, congrats man Trey: (sits) thanks (phone rings) Trey: what're we playing Ryan: uhhh, ooo Marissa: ill get it (goes to the kitchen) Ryan: oh thankyou (to Trey) we are playing Marissa: (answers) Cohen residence...oh hi, yeah hang on (calls out) hey Trey, it's for you, it's the landlord Ryan: (points) grab it right there (Trey walks over to the phone) Trey: (answers) hello Landlord: hey sooo...bad news...your background didn't check out, I jus can't risk making you the manager (Trey sits) but you seem like a good guy soooo ill hold the place for twenty four hours Trey: ill uh come up with the money...thanks Landlord: you bet (Trey hangs up. in the kitchen we see that Marissa was listening in. she closes her eyes and hangs up the phone. Trey stands and puts the phone down, he walks back over to Ryan and picks up the controls then sits next to Ryan) Ryan: everything alright Trey: yeah, jus wanted to know when I'm movin in (smiles) Ryan: you're sure you can cover it (looks at trey) the money Trey: hey it's handled little brother (Marissa comes back in) jus gonna do some work around the place un...til I can pay him back, I told you I'm gettin it together Ryan: I'm proud'a you man (Marissa sits on the arm of the chair) Trey: oh thank Marissa, it was her idea (Ryan smiles at Marissa, Marissa forces a smile back. Trey looks at Marissa. Marissa looks worried) CUT TO: Cohen guest bedroom, early morning - we see the alarm clock says 6:00, then we see Ryan in bed with his back away from where Trey sleeps, after a few seconds he rubs his eyes and leans up on his elbows. the camera slowly pulls back to show that Trey isn't in his bed. Ryan looks over and sees - the next thing we see is the stairs, and we hear the door shut. Trey starts walking up the stairs, we see Ryan is sitting on them further up Ryan: where you ben Trey: (laughs) don't worry about me mommy (Ryan looks at him, un impressed) I was over at the new place...landlord wanted me to tape down some dry wall, do a little plastering Ryan: (looks at Trey, un convinced) at six in the morning Trey: (moves towardsRyan) plasters gotta dry before you paint bro (looks at Ryan) Ryan: ...ok (goes back up the stairs) (Trey stands there, looking as though he's thinking) CUT TO: The pool house - we hear a knock at the door and we see Marissa making the bed Marissa: come in (Trey walks in smiling, holding a plate full of food) Trey: hey Marissa: (turns around) hi Trey: I was makin breakfast an...I made too much, thought you might be hungry Marissa: oh, no thanks (walks towards the bench) Trey: yeah...hey I jus wanted ta thankyou again for helpin me out...with the a-apartment (Marissa nods, with her back to him) but your probably busy so...ill come back later Marissa: look (turns around) I over heard your call (Trey looks at her) I know he didn't take the offer Trey: (nods) so when're you gonna tell Ryan Marissa: I'm not...you know he really wants to believe in you Trey: an why he shouldn't he Marissa: (moves towards Trey) because you lied ta him Trey: it's not a lie (Marissa looks at him) I got friends, I'm gonna come up with the money Marissa: (looks at Trey) I can help you (Trey looks at Marissa, Marissa looks down) Trey: you've done enough, an I don't need anyone else here worryin about me, I've got it Marissa: alright...but you should know if you do anything stupid, it's really (raises eyebrows) gonna hurt Ryan (Marissa leaves and Trey watches her) CUT TO: Seth's bedroom - on his bed are trading cards and sticks of gum spread out. Seth and Zach are in there together Zach: so what d'you got Seth: our new hobby Zach: baseball cards Seth: there really cool, they come with gum an there worth (frowns) like all sorts'a different amounts (Zach frowns) but each month they go up an down in value like the stock market (nods, smiles) (Zach looks at him) they come with gum Zach: you talked to Summer didn't you Seth: I dipped a toe in the comic book pool, it was icy Zach it was subzero Zach: so that's it, all that work your never gonna show anyone else, because of a girl Seth: she threatened to kill us both (puts gum in his mouth) while we sleep Zach: ...give me one'a those pieces'a gum (points) (the next thing we see is Zach and Seth coming down the stairs. Zach is holding a stack of the baseball cards. we hear the doorbell) Zach: (frowns) who's Kurt Shilling anyway (hands card to Seth) Seth: I don't know...dude I like his uniform though, could I have this one Zach: (nods) ah-huh Seth: thanks (puts the card in his pocket) (Seth opens the door and Carter is standing there) Seth: hey, my mom already left for the pseudo charity non...yard sale Carter: well actually I came to see you guys, my old assistant is the VP of development at a graphic novel company (Zach looks at Seth) I arranged a meeting Seth: (looks at Zach, Zach nods) (screws up his face) ssssssssssssss no, I'm sorry now lets go (points) Zach your drivin (to Carter) thankyou so much though (walks outside) Zach: (shuts the door and follows Seth) Seth...do you realise what he's saying Seth: yes he's offering to kill my relationship with Summer Zach: he's offering us a second chance Seth: (thinks) I promised Zach: t-technically your not doing anything wrong, you said you only floated the comic - book by her (Seth listens) not a graphic novel! Seth: (sighs, closes his eyes) they have nicer paper (Zach smiles) so technically (Zach looks at Carter excited, Seth looks as though he's caved) CUT TO: Caleb's mansion - we see the outside of the house, then we see Marissa in the basement looking through different bits and pieces. Summer comes down to help her Summer: (off screen, yells) Coop! Marissa: (off screen, yells) I'm in the basement Summer: hm well no torture chamber down here, lost that bet...so what're we looking for anyway (screws up her face) Marissa: uh it's for the auction (lifts cloth) I- (frowns) I need money for Treys security deposit (brushes her hands together) Summer: hm, interesting stuff huh Marissa: mm-hmm (Summer lifts up a cloth revealing a gorgeous antique tea set on a platter) Summer: hm is that pure silver (Marissa looks over) (picks up a piece) hey, yeah see that mark right there (frowns) that leopards head with the W E (Marissa looks at her) wow it means made in London by William Eaton (thinks) circa eighteen seventy six I think (looks at Marissa, puts it back down) could be worth a couple grand Marissa: (looks at Summer) all that Antique Roadshow really paid off (smiles) Summer: (smiles) hm CUT TO: Cohen house - Trey and Ryan are both dressed up in suits getting ready for the auction. Trey is standing in front of a mirror trying to tie his tie, in the reflection we can see Ryan behind him and he notices Trey having trouble {this scene is very similar to the one in the Pilot when Ryan has trouble with his tie and says he wants to go open collar, Sandy doesn't take no for an answer and fixes it for him!} Ryan: (turns around) hey (moves closer to Trey) come here (moves in front of Trey) c'mere (Trey puts his hand up defensively) hey, I've become quite the expert, seems like I put one on every week Trey: (puts his hand up) its ok man I don't need your help Ryan: yeah ya do (looks at Trey) (Trey lets go, reluctantly) (smiles) your gonna hang yourself with this thing (Trey sighs) there lets see, alright (ties the tie) you know these formal things they...seem like there gonna be pretty boring but uh...usually somethin crazy happens (smiles) keeps it exciting Trey: oh yeah Ryan: yeah, alright, there you go (Sandy comes in) Sandy: (smiles) I am impressed (Trey pulls his collar down over the tie, Sandy looks at Ryan then Trey. Ryan watches Trey. Sandy tugs on Treys tie a little, straightening it out) Sandy: nice (smiles) (looks at Ryan then Trey, then puts his hands on each of their shoulders) ready ta rip off some Newpsie's CUT TO: The country club - we see it in an aerial view. then we see inside the ballroom. there are people sitting at the tables and wandering around Joan: Kirsten Kirsten: (smiles) hello Joan Joan: we never see you anymore Kirsten: I know I've ben really busy with work (smiles) thankyou (Joan walks away. Marissa and Summer come in, Marissa is carrying the tea set from earlier and they are both dressed up) Marissa: (smiles) hey Kirsten: (sees the tea set) Marissa where'd you get that Marissa: (looks down) oh uh I found this in the basement with all of this other old junk my moms getting rid of, I better get in there (smiles) Summer: (smiles) you look beautiful Kirsten: oh thankyou (Kirsten watches them walk away, she seems to recognise the tea set - we now see Seth and Zach standing together, near all the stuff to be auctioned) Seth: look when you think about it, our own graphic novel (Summer comes up behind them, but they don't realise) that's like ten times cooler then the comic book ever was Summer: hm, you guys bringing back the comic book (Seth and Zach turn around to face Summer) at the same time: Seth: no, absolutely not Zach: goodness gracious no (Summer looks at them) Seth: it's a graphic novel, its totally different (holds a shield in front of himself for protection {lol}) Summer: oh oh ok (nods) so there's no Kid Chino or no Cosmo Girl, no the two of you working together ruining our friendships (Seth and Zach look at each other and frown) Zach: I guess it isn't that different Seth: (looks at Summer) look I promise it won't be like before Zach: an we, already kinda said yes Seth: yeah but jus to a meeting Summer: (picks up a sword) oook (points the sword at them both) any trouble (grins) hm, no more graphic novel, no more comics, no more me (holds out her pinky) pinky swear Seth: (lowers the shield) ok (Zach and Seth touch their pinkys with Summer's, Summer looks at them and raises her eyebrows - we then see Marissa walk over to where Ryan is, she's got the tea set still) Marissa: hey, last minute addition (holds up the tea set) Ryan: oh yeah (sighs) thanks ill jus take it in the back an tag it (looks at Marissa) um... thanks again for helpin out my brother (Marissa looks at him) I...I appreciate it, seems like things are goin pretty good, right Marissa: yeah um, well I'm gonna go see if they need help inside, ill see ya in there (walks away) (Ryan goes out the back to put the tea set with the rest of the items. we see a statue looking thing that has Seth's photo with it {as in the one he took, not one of him,lol} and the number 216 on a tag. Ryan puts the tea set down next to this item then looks around the room, he stops and looks down. the camera moves to show us what he's looking at. it is a photo and a tag but no item to go with them. Ryan picks up the photo and looks at it. it's of the crystal egg from earlier. Ryan looks away and over at other items that have photos with them. he looks down again to where there is just a tag sitting in place of where the egg was. he looks down at the photo again then looks as though he's thinking) Ryan: Trey (looks away) CUT TO: Outside the country club - Ryan walks up to Marissa who is talking to some girls Marissa: (to Ryan) hey (to the girls) ill see you in a bit (to Ryan) what's up Ryan: (holds up the photo) there's this glass egg from Risky Business (Marissa looks at the photo) it's probably the most valuable thing here an now it's gone Marissa: (looks at Ryan, realises) Trey didn't... Ryan: yeah, yeah I think he did (Marissa looks away) why would Trey steal anything though I mean (smiles) everything's goin great, right Marissa: (closes her eyes, shakes her head) no (Ryan looks at her) no he lied, he didn't clear the background check on the apartment Ryan: (looks down, then at Marissa) why didn't you tell me Trey: cause I told her not to (Ryan and Marissa look over at Trey standing near the door. Trey begins to walk closer to them, and Ryan moves closer to him) Ryan: (softly) so you stole it Trey: I didn't steal it (Marissa looks at him) Ryan: don't lie to me Trey (puts his hands on his hips) Trey: ...what'does it matter (Ryan looks at him) these people think this stuff is junk Ryan: how could you do this man, after everything the Cohen's have done for ya (Trey looks at him) everything Marissa's done for ya (Trey looks away) (softly) cant you think'a anyone but yourself for five minutes Trey: I wasn't thinkin about myself I was thinkin about you, that's why I wanted to get the money so I could jus get outta everybody's way Ryan: well now your gonna be, cause your goin back'ta jail (goes to walk away) Trey: (puts his arm out) wait, stop (Ryan looks at him) I could still get it back (Ryan looks at him) (sighs) I've got the money (holds the money out) (Ryan looks at the money, then at Trey. he doesn't take it) Trey: man, please Ryan: (takes the money) you've done enough (raises eyebrows) ill go CUT TO: The ballroom - Sandy is up on stage with the microphone. everyone is sitting at tables in front of him Sandy: (into mic) good afternoon Newport beach (Kirsten and Carter are sitting together, talking) an welcome to the OC pseudo charity non yard sale (smiles) (everyone laughs) yes exactly you get it, I'm Sandy Cohen ill be your host and your auctioneer for this grand event brought to you by Newport Living, an the fabulous team of Carter Buckley (Carter smiles and holds his hand up) an the lovely and alluring Kirsten Cohen (Kirsten smiles) lets give it up for them (more clapping) (in the background Trey, Marissa and Ryan come back inside) Marissa: (to Ryan) what're you gonna do Ryan: I'm gonna go find the egg before anyone notices it's gone Marissa: w- (we see Ryan walk by Kirsten and Carters table. Sandy notices Ryan leaving, as does Seth) Sandy: (into mic) alright Seth: hey (nods) what's goin- (Ryan keeps walking) Sandy: last year we raised over one hundred thousand dollars (everyone claps) (Seth frowns and goes after Ryan) Sandy: (into mic) but only fifty thousand dollars went to charity (everyone laughs) (in the background Marissa goes over to Summer's table) Marissa: (bends down near Summer's ear) (smiles) (to the girls)uh hey (to Summer, softly) uh psst Summer, c'mon Summer: what (frowns) Marissa: just- (walks towards the stage) Summer: what about the auction (gets up) Marissa: yeah Summer: what Marissa: exactly come on (grabs Summer's hand) Sandy: (into mic) without further ado let's get the auction started Summer: what are we doing (Zach is waiting by the stage holding an ottoman. Trey is behind him holding a chair) Marissa: (to Zach) hey (smiles) (whispers to Summer) uh we're stalling until Ryan gets back with the egg Summer: (whispers) what egg (Marissa smiles at the crowd) (they walk passed the guys and onto the stage with Sandy) Sandy: (into mic) our first item (looks at the girls) hey Marissa: hi (Summer smiles) Sandy: can I help ya Marissa: oh well, we're your assistants (Kirsten watches) every honorary chair gets assistants to (looks at Summer) assist (Marissa and Summer smile at Sandy) Sandy: (into mic) oh, let's welcome our lovely assistants (points) ladies an gentleman (everyone claps. Summer nervously laughs. Kirsten looks at Taryn, lost. Marissa and Summer smile and wave at the crowd. Sandy claps and looks at the girls, he looks confused but is playing along anyway, lol. Zach also looks confused. Trey claps) CUT TO: Outside - Ryan is walking towards the car, Seth is behind him Seth: hey, where're you goin Ryan: (looks at Seth) uhhhh ill tell you later Seth: tell me now (whiney) Marissa gets to be part of the plan Ryan: there's no plan I just gotta do somethin Seth: ok well your gonna need a wing man, an Marissa an my dad are busy...come on, I never get to go Ryan: (looks at Seth) yeah, there's a reason Seth: yeah but if I go with you no ones gonna suspect anything (Ryan stops) cause we all know that if you were doin anything dangerous (shakes his head) I wouldn't get to go, I'm the perfect cover Ryan: (considers) no more comments about me an Marissa Seth: you an who (Ryan throws the car keys at Seth and they hit his chest and fall to the ground. Seth looks down at them then up at Ryan) Seth: I didn't know you were gonna throw it (picks up the keys) Ryan: (looks at Seth) if your gonna be w- Seth: ill catch it next time I jus need a little bit of a heads up (goes to the car) I jus need a heads up that's all Ryan: jus (puts his arms out) if your gonna be wingman your gonna have'ta catch the keys Seth: (opens the door) ill catch the keys next time CUT TO: The auction - Marissa and Summer are standing either side of Zach. Zach puts a statue down on the table in front of them. Sandy is still on the mic Sandy: (into mic) ok folks here's a beautiful airtay esque statue, yes indeed very fetching (Marissa touches the statue) what'do we start the bidding at (reads) seventy five dollars, I guess its very esque, more esque then airtay CUT TO: The range rover driving away from the country club CUT TO: The auction - Sandy bangs the gavel down Sandy: (into mic) sold to the lovely young lady (everyone claps) (Trey takes a ship away. Marissa and Summer smile at each other. Zach brings out a rams head and places it on the table. Summer screws up her face, Marissa jumps back) Sandy: (into mic) the rams head is going for three hundred dollars, do we hear three hundred dollars (a man raises his hand) three hundred dollars over here (Marissa holds the head up with her finger tips trying to make it look appealing to buyers) four hundred dollars over here, five hundred an fifty dollars over here (points) going once, going twice (bangs the gave) sold (everyone claps) for five hundred an fifty dollars (Trey takes the rams head away) imagine what the whole beast would'a cost ya CUT TO: An aerial shot of cars on like a free way. then we see the range rover driving past on the road CUT TO: The auction - {this is almost all without sound so ill just describe what you see} Zach puts down a world globe. Marissa and Summer look at each other then smile at the crowd. an old guy puts his hand up to bid. Sandy points at him and says something. Marissa smiles at the crowd then she and Summer put their hands on an indian looking statue. Sandy points towards the crowd and says something. a man in the crowd puts his hand up, then a woman puts her hand up. Sandy points and says something. Summer holds a dress on a coat hanger up against her, showing it off and Marissa helps make it look appealing. a woman puts her hand up. Summer turns over an over sized egg timer and puts it on the table. she and Marissa both point at it and smile at the crowd. everyone claps. Zach puts the tea set from earlier down on the table, Marissa and Summer each hold a side of the platter and hold it up in the air Sandy: (into mic) do I hear two thousand dollars for the tea set (Kirsten watches) two thousand dollars (points) do I hear twenty five hundred, twenty five hundred dollars (a woman raises her hand) wow ok three thousand dollars (another woman raises her hand) three thousand dollars (Kirsten and Carter turn around to see who it was) three thousand dollars (Kirsten looks at Sandy) thirty five hundred dol- (a woman raises her hand) thirty five hundred dollars, do I hear four thousand dollars, come on folks reach inta those deep pockets Kirsten: (raises her hand) five thousand Sandy: (shocked, points) five- five thousand dollars Kirsten: (raises her hand) five thousand (Carter looks at Kirsten. Summer and Marissa look at Kirsten, suprised) Sandy: (into mic) do I hear fifty five hundred dollars, fifty five hundred dollars, anyone, fifty five hundred dollars, alright, going once, going twice sold (bangs the gavel, Kirsten smiles, everyone claps) for five thousand dollars (Carter claps and looks at Kirsten) to my lovely bride who apparently (Marissa frowns) is just crazy for tea (Trey takes the tea set away. Marissa looks as though she's thinking) CUT TO: The range rover - Ryan and Seth pull up out the front of a house Ryan: alright this is it, must be in the back, you stay here (goes to get out) Seth: what're you gonna do Ryan: (frowns, shuts the car door) I don't know Seth: ok I got a plan, the kinda plan that made me all camp capture the flag camp Takaho an it is extremely stealth Ryan: ah-huh CUT TO: The auction Sandy: (into mic) this next one is a very exciting one, folks...who here...is a Tom Cruise fan Marissa: (to Summer) (whispers) oh, do something [SCENE_BREAK] Summer: (frowns) what, why Marissa: this is what Trey stole, Ryan went to go get it back Summer: (whispers) what'dyou want me to do about it Sandy: (into mic) ladies (Marissa and Summer look over) if you could, please bring straight outta nineteen eighty three (Marissa looks at Summer) Summer: my shoes! (takes her shoe off her foot and holds it up) yeaaah Marissa: yeah (smiles) Summer: which are vintage Sandy: (looks at the girls) your shoes (Marissa quickly goes off the stage to see Trey and Zach) Summer: (off screen) how bout we auction these off Marissa: (whispers) what are you doing Zach: everything's ben auctioned off Summer: (off screen) uh do we hear thirty dollars Trey: other then uh...you know Marissa: (looks at Trey) yeah I do know an it's up next so you better think of something else ta auction or Summer's gonna be selling herself (Summer holds her shoe up to show the crowd and smiles) Sandy: (into mic) thirty dollars, thirty dollars anyone Old Guy: (yells) sixty (Summer screws up her face) (waves his hand) Sandy: (suprised) sixty dollars Summer: (screws up her face) eww foot fetish much Sandy: sold (bangs gavel) CUT TO: Ryan and Seth at the house - Ryan touches Seth on the back and walks away from him towards the backyard. Seth walks towards the front door. Seth waits at the door and a guy opens it Seth: (english accent) hello pleased to meet you Guy: who the hell are you Seth: well I'm Pippins McGee an I'm from the film preservation society (inside, another guy is lying on the couch. we see Ryan at the back sliding door looking in) Seth: now what we are doing is we're putting on a Tom Cruise retrospective now I understand...that you're in possession...of the crystal egg from Risky Business (the guy(1) at the door looks at the guy(2) on the couch. the guy on the couch gets up) Seth: hi how are you, now what we're doing is we're collecting (guy 1 folds his arms) uh Mr. Cruises props from his most memorable films an putting em on display (Ryan slowly goes inside while the 2 guys are at the door with

Plan: A: the Newport Beach charity yard sale; Q: What is Sandy the honorary chair of? A: Trey; Q: Who does Sandy ask for help? A: his first run-in; Q: What does Trey have with the Newpsies? A: a table; Q: What do Kirsten and Carter share? A: one; Q: How many of the auction's most expensive pieces go missing? A: Seth; Q: Who helps Ryan find the missing auction item? A: the Cohens; Q: Who welcomes another houseguest? Summary: When Sandy becomes the honorary chair of the Newport Beach charity yard sale, he solicits help from Trey, who has his first run-in with the Newpsies. While Sandy auctions off Newport's finest, Kirsten and Carter share a table. When one of the auction's most expensive pieces goes missing, it's Ryan and Seth who also could use some help. Meanwhile, Trey looks for a more permanent place to live as the Cohens welcome yet another houseguest.

(Light buzzes as it flickers) This is the weirdest initiation ever. Wes: Sounds like you can't handle it. Dylan: I can handle it. I can handle it. (Distant bang) Mikayla: We can't be down here! We gotta go! Wes: No time! We'll come back for you! Dylan: Wait! No! Wesley! Ugh! (Footsteps outside) Scarlet: This is what you came up with? The morgue. Hud: Well, your text sounded desperate. So many exclamation marks. (Kissing) Scarlet: Mm... why do I put up with you? Hud: Because we just worked eighteen hours and we've got another twelve to go. Scarlet: You gotta get through it somehow... Hud: Mm-hmm. (Kissing) [SCENE_BREAK] (Distant bang) (Drawer door creaks open) (Drawer rumbles open) Hud: That's funny... You don't look dead. Dylan: I was just... Hud: Spying? Dylan: Um, napping... Big napper. You know volunteers, they're not allowed down here. But it's cool for residents to come down here and hook up? (Drawer door clicks shut) (Small laugh) You're London's little sister, aren't you? Dylan: Are you gonna tell on me? Hud: Look... You didn't see me, and I didn't see you. Sound good? Dylan: Mm-hmm. Good. (Receding footsteps) Wes: I swear we were coming back for you. Dylan: Sure, sure. You're just lucky I got away clean, after listening to two residents suck face for a while. One of them being our mysterious Dr. Hudson, by the way. Mikayla: Oh, do you still think he has your dad's watch? Dylan: Well, if he does, I have to get it back. Wes: Because there's a message for you hidden in a secret compartment? Dylan: Okay, I'm aware it sounds nuts, but my dad did that kind of thing all the time. He put word puzzles in my lunchboxes, and origami notes in my snow boots. Okay, so... operation get watch back. Dylan: Okay. Step one, talk to Dr. Hudson again. Wes: Again? You... uh, you talked to him down there? Why... w-why didn't you just ask him about the watch then? Well, I tried I did try - but he was looking at me, so... Oh, I would not be able to talk to him if he was looking at me. I mean, those piercing blue eyes and you can see his muscles through his lab coat! Wes: Okay, we got it, Mikayla. Thanks. Dylan: You know, I just wasn't on my game, and next time I will be. I just need a reason to talk to him. Well, good luck finding one. Guy's as boring as a phone book. Hud is not boring. He was a soldier! Easy he was an army medic. He wasn't driving a tank. (Sighs) Okay. What's the plan? Hang out in the morgue until Hud's next booty call? Jared: Did I interrupt "Cool Kids Club"? Yes. And don't call it that. Jared: All right. Maybe the three of you need to be separated today. Mikayla, you're on flower delivery. Wes, some seniors in geriatrics need a fourth for cards, and uh... Dylan... Dylan: I could... restock the pamphlet dispensers. Jared: Nobody likes doing that. Dylan: Guess I'm a weirdo! Fine. Whatever. Dylan: I now have complete freedom to follow Dr. Hudson wherever he goes, and, you know, accidentally... on-purpose talk to him. Wes: Oh, super. (Unlocking clicks) (Heartbeat pulses) Sherri: I read about toxoplasmosis online and I'm worried I have it. Is there a test for that? Sherri, the baby's heart rate is fine. There are no contractions. I think you're okay. What about my back? Like my back hurts. You're thirty-two weeks along, and kind of big. (Inaudible page over hospital PA system) I'm saying my back would hurt, too. Something is seriously wrong with my baby. Look, I can't admit you. You can if you do a test for toxoplasmosis. London: Based on your lack of symptoms... Sherri: I'm not going anywhere. 'Kay, I'll get a nurse. Scarlet: You know runner's high? Do you think there's a doctor's high? Because I feel... (Sings) High! London: How are you so awake right now? I feel like I'm underwater. Scarlet: Don't you nap on your one-hours? London: Yes, but I still don't look like a flawless mermaid. So... how? Explain. Scarlet: It's called stress management. I make time for fun. Oh, just say it so I don't have to. Hud and I are kind of a thing! London: Gross. Scarlet: It's casual. For fun. You've heard of fun, right, London? Maybe you wouldn't be such a stress-case if you found a boy of your own. I'm at this hospital all the time. Where am I supposed to meet a boy? Scarlet: Duh. (Low hum of chatter, elevator dings) (Locker clicks open) (Approaching footsteps) (Shirt rustles) (Inaudible page over hospital PA) Hi! Hud: How long have you been there? I'm sor... I'm sorry! Uh, I'm... I was just... I didn't... realize this was... What is this place? It's the residents lounge. Right. Uh, I guess you guys don't need pamphlets on... Hepatitis. No, we're good. Yeah. You and your sister... (Grunts) You guys are pretty different, huh? Yeah, everyone... everyone says she's like my mom and I'm like my dad. Or I was, before he disappeared on us. Hud: Yeah, that sucks. Did you ever meet him? My dad? Hud: No, not really. Dylan: But you saw him here that last day. You talked to him and he gave you his watch. Yeah, he did. But look, that... That was weeks before the cops questioned me about that. By that time, I'd already given it back. Given it back to who? Your mom. Jane: Hi. One coffee please. (Cash register beeps) Thank you. Dr. K: Make it two on me. I can't buy my colleague a coffee once in a while? Jane: Not with that goofy grin on your face. Dr. K: Can I help it? Come on, nobody is going to notice. Jane: Dylan will notice. Dr. K: London sees us every day and she doesn't suspect a thing. Jane: Because London reads textbooks and patient charts, and Dylan reads people. It's different. Dr. K: Is this where you tell me we have to cool it until she's done serving her sentence? Jane: No. This is where I tell you we need to tell the girls about us. What do you think about that? Are you sure? Jane: Richard's case is closed, and... I wanna move on. I don't wanna keep you a secret from the girls anymore. Dr. K and Jane: (Laugh) Dr. K: Okay. Jane: Okay. (Chuckles happily) (Low hum of chatter) London: Here. Uh, I need a full panel, including a PT... (phone buzzes) Ugh! Lunch with my mother?! And PTT. ASAP. That's the last thing that I wanna do. Seth: Only half of that was directed at me, right? London: Huh? Seth: The test half? London: What? Yes. Seth: O-Kay, prickly lady... Seth: (Sighs heavily) London: Sorry. Seth: Hey, just hang out for a bit. Chill. (Sighs) London: Wait. You're a boy! Yeah... that's true. You're right, I need to chill. I should hang out here. You know, maybe... Maybe we should have lunch together? Seth: Well, what about lunch with your mom? London: Oh, that'll add to my stress, not manage it. I'd rather spend time with you. What do you think? Uh... I'd-I'd be an idiot to say no. You would. So it's a date? (Seth chuckles) Fun! (Big band style music plays) Wes: 'Kay... clubs for my partner. Elderly lady patient: Uh-oh. Male patient: All right. (Big band style music plays) ♪ Open up the door is what I say... ♪ (Chair scrapes forward, Dylan clears her throat) So... Hud told me what he did with the watch. Perfect. Now you don't ever have to speak to that dud again. You know, he is interesting. He has all these scars on his back. I wonder if something happened to him when he was in the army. How did you see his back exactly? I was talking to him in the residents lounge and... He was changing his shirt. It was dirty! (Flustered sounds) This whole thing's dirty. (Frustrated sigh) Would you focus, Wes! Hud gave my dad's watch to my mom. Why is she hiding it from me? Um, she probably didn't think it meant anything. [SCENE_BREAK] (Dylan's phone buzzes, chair scrapes back) Wes: Is that... okay, what's trump up here? Dylan: Hello? London: Hey. Did you see that text from mom about lunch? Dylan: Yes. Almost immediately, as you usually do with texts. Anyway, um... I can't make it. Dylan: No, no, no. You have to come, you're the buffer! London: Buff yourself. (Phone beeps off) Dylan: Great. Lunch alone with my mom. Wes: Well, sounds like a good opportunity to talk to her one-on-one. Dylan: One-on-one always turns into a fight. And I can't just straight up ask her for the watch. Gonna have to be nice. Elderly lady patient: Catch more flies with honey, honey. ♪ Kissin' all your troubles and your cares away ♪ London: Shouldn't be much longer for the lab results. About as long as it takes Toto eat lunch. Okay, bye. Sherri: Yeah, I've been googling my symptoms and I might be off with toxoplasmosis. Does my skin look blotchy? London: No more self-diagnosing off the Internet. The tests will tell us nothing's wrong. Sherri: Or something is wrong. Why are you in such a hurry? Listen. I have one hour a day to find balance in my life, so I'm begging you, please let me go. (Sighs heavily) Fine. London: Thank you. (Dishes and cutlery clatter, low hum of chatter) (Tray thumps, Jane sighs) Jane: It's too bad London couldn't join us. What is this? You know, I used to get these in my coat pockets all the time. Love notes. Dylan: Gross. Jane: Sorry. I didn't know he taught you how to make them. Don't you miss him? I didn't ask you here to talk about your father. I can't just forget about him. Jane: I am not asking you to. Um... you know what? Why don't we talk about something else? I won't forget he existed just to make you feel better. Obviously, this lunch was a mistake. (Chair scrapes back) Yeah. (Receding footsteps) London: The theoretical stuff, all that was a breeze for me. Why? Because once I see something, I remember it forever. Forever? Okay, um... What was I wearing two Mondays ago? A black t-shirt with a Silver guy on a surfboard. Silver surfer. But I wear that shirt a lot, so good guess. London: You also had a red and yellow plaid shirt overtop, and then your lab coat, of course. Seth: Of course. London: And the shoelace on your left high-top was untied. I kept thinking you were gonna trip, and then you did, but it was over the bankers box that was left on the floor. Not your shoelace. You are paying a lot of attention to me, Dr. Blake. London: Don't feel special. I have a photographic memory. Can I feel a little bit special? Okay, a little bit. [SCENE_BREAK] (Phone buzzes) Oh no... (Running footsteps) (Door shuts) (Door bursts open, Sherri groans in pain. April: Fetal heart rate is falling. London: What's happening? Dr. K: She's hemorrhaging. London: PT was 12. PTT was 34. That's normal. She should be fine. Dr. K: You ran thromboplastin tests? London: It was a guess. She had a sharp localized pain in her back. Dr. K: How long? London: Twenty-four hours. Sherri: (Groans in pain) Dr. K: Sounds like hidden uterine bleeding. We'll have to section the baby. Sherri: What? No, it's too early! (Panting) (Weakly) I told you something was wrong! (Sherri groans) (Shaky breaths) (Phone rings nearby, people chatter) Dylan: Hey! Hud: Hey. God, you're like a mosquito. Cold-blooded and deadly? Hud: No, annoying and buzzing all over me. Get your watch back? Dylan: Not yet. Hey, look, I need to know exactly what my dad was like that day. Did he say anything specific? What was his mood? Upset, angry, happy? Hud: Look, I told the police everything all right? Haven't you ever lost someone? God, you're relentless. Doesn't it bother you how everyone just goes on with their daily lives like those people never existed? Look. Your dad was upset. Okay, he seemed... He seemed desperate. When he gave me the watch, he said, "make sure she gets this." I thought he meant your mom or... London. Dylan: Maybe he meant me. Hud: Yeah. Dylan: (Crying) Hud: Hey, come on, it's gonna be okay. Jared: Uh, what's happening here? Hud: (Annoyed sigh) Dylan: Nothing, Jared. Looks inappropriate if you ask me. Hud: Yeah? Well, nobody asked you. Look, you know everything I know now, okay? Dylan: Yeah. Jared: Okay, crocodile tears. Here's a little lesson about hospital hierarchy, all right? It goes nurses, doctors, residents, patients, and then way, way, way below... visitors, then volunteers. Just because you're a Blake, doesn't change that. Jane: Is there a problem here? Jared: No. No problem, Dr. Blake. Jane: Really? Then why are you lecturing my daughter to tears? Jared: I wasn't! She was crying about something to Dr. Hudson. Dylan: Shut. Up. Jared: I'm just saying what I saw. Jane: Doesn't sound like you saw anything, Mr. Malik, so why don't you go do your job? Dylan, my office. (Receding footsteps) The police have decided to end their investigation. But we still don't know what happened to dad. Get caught up with full episodes at open-heart.com. I need some help. Jane: You remember why you're volulunteering here, right? Because you're on probation. And that means I can't talk to people? No. Jared is your supervisor, okay? He makes the rules. You need to follow them. So, if he says, "don't talk to the residents," don't talk to them! Why were you crying? Hud was the last person to talk to dad. Jane: Dylan... Dylan: Hud said that dad gave him his watch. You know, the one I gave to him for Christmas a few years ago. Hud gave it to you. Jane: Yeah, he did. I guess um... I forgot. Dylan: Forgot? How could you forget?! Dad leaving this behind... it means something! (Drawer closes) Jane: I agree. It means goodbye. Sweetie, I don't wanna cause you any more pain, but I don't know how to help you get over this. (Door opens and bangs shut) (Exhales sharply) London: (Gasps) Oh! Seth: Oh! Seth: Sorry. Sorry. Uh... London: (Sharp exhale) Seth: Don't you guys have sleep rooms? (Gasping for breath) I was... I was waiting for you. Seth: Oh. Hey, uh... How's your patient? London: They had to emergency section her baby, but both are doing fine. No thanks to idiot me, who sacrificed the health of a woman and her unborn child to hook up with a boy. London: You! Seth: We ate sandwiches. London: You know what I mean, okay? I'm a horrible doctor, and... human person. Seth: Hey, everything turned out fine. Even if you'd stayed with her, she still would've needed surgery. And last time I checked, you can't do those yet, right? London: (Sighs) Thanks. You're a sweet guy, Seth. (Sighs) And here comes the but... But I can't do the relationship thing right now, or even the casual datey thing. I need to focus on my work. But... can we stay friendly professionals? Can you please not hate me? I would never hate you. And I'm happy to stay friendly professionals. (Sighs) (Kissing) London: Oh! Seth: (Shaky sigh) We might have different definitions of "friendly professionals." London: I'm sorry. (Shaky sigh) Oh my God... Oh my God... ♪ I'm turning myself in ♪ ♪ I've been a jealous friend ♪ ♪ feels like I'm always sinking... ♪ ♪ Oh, oh... ♪ ♪ Just like you used to say... ♪ I didn't tell them. I knew you wouldn't. Why? 'Cause I'm scared? Because you're a good mother. And you know Dylan is still fragile, and... We don't need to make this about us right now. Thank you. (Elevator dings, doors slide open) Going my way? Not tonight, Dom. (Doors slide closed) (Keyboard keys clack) Dylan: (Sighs) Wes: Hey. Oh, wow! Okay. So? (Claps hands) So we finally get to see what's inside? Dylan: Mm-hmm. Wes: Are you gonna open it? Dylan: What if it's empty? What if everything is for nothing? Wes: You won't know until you open it. So go on, open it. Please, open it! Dylan: Okay. (Face clicks) Okay... (Face clicks shut) (Paper rustles) I love you... Well, that's a good message to get. I was hoping it'd be a clue to where he was staying or why? Well, I mean, he just wants you to know that he loves you. He's still gone. Well, I mean, I wish my parents had time to leave me a message like that. Dylan: Time? Wes: Yeah. I was five, so... I don't really remember much about the car accident. My Uncle's been taking care of me ever since. I mean... it's not like I... Walk around with 'orphan' plastered on my forehead... Although I do have a t-shirt. Dylan: That's not funny. Wes: You'll think about it later and realize that it is. (Door opens) Mikayla: Hey... any luck on the watch? Dylan: It's a dead end. Maybe Richard Blake doesn't wanna be found. I am going home. I'll see you guys later. (Paper rustles) Mikayla: W-w-w-wait! What's this on the back?

Plan: A: Dylan corners Hud; Q: Who corners Hud? A: Richard; Q: Who does Dylan corner Hud about? A: Jane; Q: Who sets out to inform her daughters about her relationship with Dr. K? A: Dr. K.; Q: Who does Jane want to tell her daughters about? Summary: Dylan corners Hud about a past interaction with Richard. Meanwhile, London struggles to juggle her work and her romantic life, and Jane sets out to inform her daughters about her relationship with Dr. K.

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Mary: Who were you back in our land? I was a midwife. Maybe you could give me some advice. Allow me to introduce myself. You can call me Zelena. How many people do we know who can spin straw into gold? Emma: Rumplestiltskin. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma knocks on the Granny's door. Emma enters. There is a meeting.) Granny: If you want privacy, talk fast. We open in 20, and no one gets between Leroy and his bacon. Hook: Is there any sign of our quarry? Emma: I went all over that farmhouse and the land around it... Nothing. David: Well, now that the sun's up, we should hit every place Gold might go... His house, shop, his cabin. Emma: 'Cause dead men love vacation homes. Can someone explain to me how this is even possible? We all saw Gold. He... Mary Margaret: Disappeared into nothingness. I know. Hook: I might have an inkling. When we went back to the Enchanted Forest, Neal was talking about the possibility of getting his father back. David: What? How? Hook: He didn't know how. He just... He missed his family. And he was desperate to find a way to return to this world. He believed that bringing his father back was the key. Emma: Well, if that was his plan, then obviously something went wrong, because while Gold might be alive and kicking, Neal is... He's... We don't know what he is. We don't even know if he made it back to Storybrooke. No one's seen him since this new curse. David: He's out there somewhere. Regina: With all due respect, we have bigger issues right now than who brought Gold back. The fact that he was in the Wicked Witch's basement, for one. I want to know what the hell she was cooking up with him. Mary Margaret: Well, the best way to find that out would be to ask Gold, right? David: He could tell us who the witch is... Maybe how to track her down. Regina: I'm gonna head back to that farmhouse. It's possible this witch left behind some trace of potion or a special ingredient. Emma: Have at it. Just be careful. Regina: Well, she's the one who needs to be careful. She invaded my space. When I return the favour, I'm not pulling any punches. [SCENE_BREAK] (Zelena is on the hill, into the woods.) Zelena: I summon thee, Dark One. (Nobody comes.) Zelena: Rumplestiltskin! It's not working. The Dark One has broken free, and he knows far too much. (A flying monkey comes.) Zelena: Find him, beautiful one. Find him now. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr Gold is running into the woods.) [SCENE_BREAK] (At Mr Gold's shop.) Belle: So... So Rumple's alive? I mean, how is that even possible? Emma: We were hoping you might be able to tell us that. You know him and this shop better than anyone. If he's in Storybrooke, there has to be a clue in here about how he got back or how we can find him now that he is. Belle: Yeah, I'll, uh... I'll start looking right away. David: Keep your eyes out for him, too. If he comes into town, he'll... Belle: He'll come to me. Yeah. I know. Hook: I will stay here with you. I'm surprisingly good at research. Belle: You will stay with me? Emma: He'll protect you if the witch comes. Belle: You do know he tried to kill me. Hook: Well, there were extenuating circumstances. Belle: Twice. Hook: Sorry? Emma: You really know how to charm a girl, don't you? Hook: This will be my way of making it up to you. Hmm? Belle: Fine. Emma: All right, we should really get out into the woods. David: Hey, maybe you should stay home. Mary Margaret: Me? I'm the best tracker here. David: I know, but we'll manage. Remember what Zelena said... You need your rest. Emma: Belle, thank you for your help. Don't worry. We're gonna find him. Belle: Okay. Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Enchanted Forest - Past year ] [SCENE_BREAK] (At the Dark One's Castle.) Belle: If there's anyone who can defeat that witch and get you back to your family, it's the Dark One. The way to resurrect him has to be here. Neal: You really believe in him, don't you? Belle: I love him... All of him, even... Even the parts that belong to the darkness. Neal: Yeah, it took me a while to see past all that... To the good man trying to get out. Belle: He did get out. Neal: Yeah. He did. Irony is, now I need the dark part... In order to get to the ones I care about. Belle: What is that? Neal: Yeah A necklace. It was Emma's. It was supposed to represent our life together. I don't know how it survived the trip. Belle: Because it was born out of true love. Now come with me. I think I know where we can find what we need. [SCENE_BREAK] (Belle and Neal are in the castle's library.) Neal: You think there's magic in here? Belle: No. Something better than magic... Books. Books on history, witchcraft, and hopefully some on the Dark One, too. Neal: Where do we start? Belle: One shelf at a time. Lumiere: Hello, there. Belle: Did you, uh... Did you say some... Lumiere: Over here. Allow me to introduce myself. (A face appears in the candle's fire.) Neal: What the hell? Lumiere: No need to be frightened. I am but a humble servant of this castle. My name is Lumiere. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Belle is looking for books which could help. She gives them to Hook.) Belle: Uh, watch the cover on that one. Hook: Dealing with a hook here. (Somebody tries to enter into the shop.) Belle: It's him. It's... It's Rumple. (Neal enters in the shop. He falls down.) Belle: Neal? Neal! [SCENE_BREAK] (Henry does his homework. Emma arrives. She brings breakfast.) Emma: Henry. Henry: Mom. Were you out all night? I never heard you come in. Emma: I was working, but I got you breakfast because I am supermom. Some cocoa and a sesame bagel. Henry: That's a bagel? Emma: Sorry, kid. We're not in Manhattan anymore. Henry: Are... Are you going back out? Emma: I got to, yeah. You remember Leroy, right? He's going fishing with some buddies today. You want to go? Henry: Yeah, I'll go... Because I love fishing... Not because I believe you. Emma: What? Henry: You know you're not fooling me, right? Something's up. Emma: I'm working a case. You know how I get focused. Henry: No, it's more than that. It's this town... All these old friends you've never mentioned and people whispering around me all the time. There's something that you're not telling me. Emma: It's a dirty business, being a bail bondsperson. I don't want to soil your sweet head. Henry: You're not getting off that easy. If you can't tell me the truth, then I want to go home... Back to New York. (Emma's cell rings.) Emma: Sorry. (She answers.) Emma: Hello? What? I'll be right there. I got to go, Henry. Henry: Mom, really, what's going on? Emma: You got me, okay? Something is up. And it just got even more complicated, so, for now, can you just trust that I'm doing what's best, and I'll fill you in later? Henry: I trust you. Emma: Thanks, Henry. Love you. (She kisses Henry and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Neal is at the hospital, Hook and Belle are with him. Emma arrives with David.) Emma: Neal, you're here. What happened? Neal: I... don't know. I... I remember seeing the yellow bug cross the town line, and next thing I know, I'm running around a forest back in Storybrooke, where, apparently, there's been a whole lot going on. Hook: Are you gonna tell him, or shall I? Neal: Tell me what? David: Neal, we think your dad's back. Neal: Back? I just watched him die. What do you mean he's back? Emma: Take it easy. (Emma sees a mark on Neal's hand.) Emma: What the hell is that? Neal: No idea. It was there when I woke up. (Emma takes a picture.) Emma: Belle, can you do some more research? Belle: Yeah, sure. Absolutely. Emma: I'll send you the picture. Belle: Okay. Neal: Hey, guys, can we... Can we have a minute? David: Yeah, of course. (David, Belle and Hook leave.) Neal: It's good to see you... And even better to have you remember me. Emma: It's good to see you, too. Neal: Has it really been a year? Emma: Yeah. Neal: When can I see Henry? Emma: Neal, I don't... Neal: I know... Okay, I know I can't just come barging back into your life, but... Emma: No, it's... It's not that. My memories came back, but his... He doesn't remember anything... The curse, his old life. Neal: Me. Emma: You. Neal: What does he know about his father? Emma: What I knew until about a week ago, which was that you let me go to jail and never came back for us. Neal: But I didn't have a choice. You know that. Emma: Yeah, I... I do know that now, but I didn't during that whole year. Neal: So my son has no clue who I really am. He just thinks I'm the jerk that abandoned him. We have to get his memories back. We have to fix this. There has to be somebody who can... The Blue Fairy or... Or my father... That... Emma: Neal... He was really happy in New York with our life. Neal: You don't want him to get his memories back. Emma: Maybe that's for the best. Neal: But I'm his father. I want him to know who I am. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Enchanted Forest - Past year ] [SCENE_BREAK] (In the library of the Dark One's castle.) Belle: I don't understand. I've dusted every nook and cranny in this place, and how have our paths never crossed? Lumiere: It's a big castle, and I was woefully underutilized. Sadly, I only awaken when my candles are lit. Those are the rules of my punishment. Neal: Punishment by who? Lumiere: Whom do you think? Does he even know where he is? Rumplestiltskin, of course. We made a deal long ago, and when I couldn't live up to my end, he made sure I paid the price. He's not here, is he? Belle: No, he's... He's dead. Neal: But we're trying to bring him back. You said you spent a lot of time here. Do you know anything that could restore the Dark One? Lumiere: I know a great many things. Neal: Please...You got to help us. If you don't, I'll never see my family again. Lumiere: Boo-hoo. Why should I help resurrect the man who put me in this wax prison? Belle: The Rumplestiltskin you knew may have seemed cold and hard, but he's changed since then. Lumiere: Hmm. Belle: If you help us, I know he would restore you to your human form. Please? Lumiere: The bookcase behind you... Bottom cabinet. You shall know it once you see it. It's a volume befitting the Dark One. (Belle takes the book and opens it.) Neal: What the hell kind of book is that? Belle: This isn't a book. It's a hiding spot. (There is a key inside the book.) Neal: What is this? Lumiere: It's a key to the vault of the Dark One. Belle: The vault of the Dark One? Lumiere: Where the first Dark One was made... Born out of the... Well, darkness. If you wish to bring back Rumplestiltskin to life, it is where you must go. Belle: Will you guide us on our journey? Lumiere: If your promises that the Dark One will return me to my human form are true, then, yes, I will. (Neal puts back the key inside the book.) Neal: We leave first thing in the morning. (Neal blows the candle. Neal and Belle leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Zelena lights the candle.) Zelena: Nicely done. I don't think they suspected you for an instant... Which says more about them than it does about you. That Belle isn't as smart as she thinks. And that son of his. Dumber than a box of hair. Lumiere: They are merely desperate to bring back their Rumplestiltskin. Zelena: Not only desperate... Blind. Lumiere: Release me. I have aided you enough. Zelena: I'd watch your tone, candle. There's more to be done, and you shall do it... Unless you desire being the wax seal on an envelope. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret opens the door to Zelena. She enters.) Mary Margaret: Whoa! You got here fast. Zelena: Well, I could hear a little panic in your voice, but I am here to tell you that there is no need to be anxious when you haven't felt your baby move for a while. It doesn't mean a thing. Here. Mary Margaret: Orange juice? Zelena: Mm-hmm. Trust me. See, babies move less right before you go into labour, so it's possible you're closer to delivering than we think. Here. (Mary Margaret takes the glass of orange juice.) Mary Margaret: Oh. Maybe. Maybe I'm just anxious because of everything that's going on... With getting ready for the baby, I mean. Zelena: And the Wicked Witch. Everyone in town's talking about it. Have you found out anything more about her? Mary Margaret: No. And I'm cooped up here while everyone else is out there working hard to find her. Zelena: Hey. Hey. No one is working as hard as you are right now. I mean, you're creating a whole new person. Now, drink up. (Mary Margaret drinks. The baby gives a shot.) Mary Margaret: Right. Oh, wow. Zelena: Works every time. Mary Margaret: You're amazing. Zelena: Your little prince or princess could be here any day. I am not letting you have this baby without me. [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina is at the farm. She is walking when the listen to a noise.) Regina: Show yourself, you winged freak. (Robin Hood shows up and shoots an arrow on Regina. She catches it.) Robin Hood: Apologies, milady. I thought you were the Wicked Witch. Regina: And I thought you were a flying monkey. Robin Hood: I do hope my mistake hasn't cost me my head, Your Majesty. Regina: So, you know who I am. Robin Hood: Your reputation in the Enchanted Forest precedes you. Regina: I didn't catch your name. Robin Hood: Robin of Locksley at your service. (Robin holds his hand to Regina, she gives his arrow back.) Regina: The thief? Robin Hood: Well, as we're tossing labels around, aren't you technically known as the Evil Queen? Regina: I prefer "Regina." You think you can bring down the Wicked Witch with sticks? Robin Hood: Well, I'm certainly going to try. Regina: I'm afraid we're too late. She's long gone. Robin Hood: Well, perhaps she left a trail. Regina: I was hoping the same thing. Robin Hood: Well, then you've got yourself a partner. Regina: I don't remember asking for one. Robin Hood: You didn't. Regina: Just... Don't get in my way. Robin Hood: I wouldn't dream of it. Regina: Have... Have we met before? Robin Hood: I doubt I'd ever forget meeting you. Unless, of course, it was during that pesky year no one can recall. All the more reason to find this witch. Perhaps she can offer some insight into our lost memories. [SCENE_BREAK] (At the hospital. Neal watches the mark on his hand. Hook arrives with food.) Hook: Thought you could use some sustenance. Neal: Nothing like a green blob to get the appetite going. Hook: Well, I gather it has great medicinal properties. Neal: They put you on babysitting duty, huh? What, no one trusted me to stay here? Hook: Emma's simply concerned about you. She thought it best you weren't out in the cold running after your father. Neal: Thank you, by the way. Hook: For playing nanny? Neal: For getting Emma the message to come back. Hook: You would have done the same. Neal: Yeah. What's it feel like to play the hero after being a pirate for so long? Hook: Unfamiliar. And you... How does it feel to play the villain? Neal: I'm a villain now? Hook: Well, if you truly had a hand in bringing your father back, I suspect you had to use the darkest of magic and paid an even darker price, though I'm sure you felt the ends justified the means. (Neal wakes up.) Neal: I should be out there looking for him to set things right with him and my son. Question is, are you gonna stand in my way? Hook: I am in your way. (Hook hugs Neal.) Neal: What the hell are you doing? Hook: Oh, this is long overdue. Sometimes, when I look at you, all I see is a man. I forget that, beneath it all, you're still that boy... The one I looked after all those years ago. Neal: Yeah, I haven't forgotten. Hook: We got caught up in so much nonsense over... A woman. Neal: I need to do this, Killian. You know that, right? Hook: You have 10 minutes, and then I alert the others you've gone. Neal: Thank you. (Neal leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Enchanted Forest - Past year ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Belle and Neal are walking into the woods.) Belle: You know, ever since it happened, I... I haven't been able to stop thinking about Rumple's sacrifice. I mean, how he died to save everyone in Storybrooke. Neal: You know that wasn't it. Neal: He died to save us... His family. Belle: At least he died a hero. Neal: Were you surprised he had it in him? Belle: Of course not. W... Were you? Neal: I don't know. I mean, my papa was never the most selfless guy. I know he wished he hadn't let me go through that portal. I know how sorry he was, but now that I have a son of my own, I can't imagine ever doing what he did. Belle: He regretted what happened with you so much. He... He was willing to do anything to get back to you. Neal: Well, that's one thing about him I can relate to... Is I would do anything to get back to Henry. Belle: It's, uh... It's getting colder. Look. (They arrive to a snowy clearing.) Neal: Come on. Let's get what we came here for. Let's get my father. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and David are walking into the woods.) David: So, how was Neal? Emma: It was hard. Henry makes it complicated. It's not just about me. He's hoping Gold can help bring his memories back. David: That would be an added bonus to finding him. Emma: Would it? A couple days ago, I would have thought that was true, but now... David: Now what? How's he gonna stay in Storybrooke without them? Unless you're not planning to. You think you'll go back to New York after we break the curse? Emma: A week ago, Henry and I were playing video games and eating fruit roll-ups. Now I am chasing after the Dark One, hoping he can help me find the Wicked Witch of the West. (They hear Mr Gold screaming.) Mr Gold: Aah! Aah! Aah! (They run to Mr Gold.) Emma: Gold! You all right? Mr Gold: No. No, no, no, not all right! Not all right! It's... I can't quiet the voices. Emma: We know that you were held captive by the witch. Do you know where she is? Mr Gold: Yeah. She's... Aah! There's no room! No room! There's too many voices! Too many voices! David: We got to get him out of here. (A flying monkey flies to them and attacks.) Emma: Gold! David: He's getting away! (Mr Gold runs away.) David: I'll hold it off! Go! (Emma runs after Mr Gold.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina is searching clues into the cupboard.) Regina: Nothing useful here. Mm. Unfortunately. Robin Hood: So, none of these contain magical properties? Regina: Well, a good witch covers her tracks, but a better one can uncover them. We'll find her. Just be patient. Robin Hood: You know, I've heard many stories about the great and terrible Evil Queen, but from this angle, the "evil" moniker seems somewhat of an overstatement. Bold and audacious, perhaps, but, um... Not evil. Regina: The name served me well. Fear is quite an effective tool. (Robin comes up near Regina, he's being really close to her... Then he takes a bottle.) Robin Hood: What about this? Is this magical? Regina: Not exactly. But it is a liquid that can conjure courage, give strength, or even act as a love potion of sorts. It's called whiskey, and, no, it's not magical... Especially the next day. Robin Hood: Oh. (Robin takes two glasses.) Regina: You want to have a drink? Now? Robin Hood: Well, in the last few days, we've survived a curse, woken up in an entirely new realm, and forgotten a year of our lives. I'd say we've earned it. Wouldn't you? (Regina sees the lion tattoo on Robin's wrist.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Enchanted Forest - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina's memories.) Tinker Bell: You need love. Regina: You're gonna help me find another soul mate? Tinker Bell: There he is. The guy with the lion tattoo. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] Robin Hood: Is something wrong? (Regina leaves.) Robin Hood: Regina? [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma runs into the woods after Mr Gold. She finds Neal.) Emma: Gold? Neal: Emma! Emma: Neal, what the hell are you doing here? Neal: You expect me to stay in bed while you're looking for my dad? Emma: Right. I forgot who I was dealing with. Neal: You got a bead on him? Emma: David and I just saw him, but he took off again. Neal: So it's true... He's alive? Emma: Yeah. He is. Neal: How'd he seem? Emma: Uh, I don't know what that witch did to him, but he seems a little crazy. When I asked him about her, it was like he wanted to tell me, but he couldn't. Neal: Well, he can't be far. Come on. You want to waste time dragging me back to the hospital? 'Cause that's the only way you're gonna get me there. Emma: Fine. Let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Enchanted Forest - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Neal and Belle are into the snowy clearing. Neal lights the candle. Lumiere appears.) Lumiere: You found it. Thank heavens. Neal: Now what? Lumiere: Head to the center of the clearing. Under the ice and snow, you shall find the entryway to the vault. (Neal digs.) Neal: Belle! Belle: Yeah, the key must go in the middle. Neal: You're sure about this? Lumiere: I spent 200 years in Rumplestiltskin's library witnessing more dark magic and sorcery than any living creature has ever seen. Belle: I'm... I'm sorry... How long did you say you were there? Lumiere: 200 years... At least. Belle: He's lying. Rumple built that library for me not long before the curse. It's been there barely 30 years. Neal: Who are you?! Unless you want to spend the rest of eternity under a snowdrift, you better start talking. Lumiere: I am who I appear to be, only it wasn't Rumplestiltskin who turned me into this wretched form. It was the Wicked Witch of the West. Belle: The Wicked Witch? She told you to lead us here? Lumiere: She wants you to bring back the Dark One so she can control him with his dagger. Belle: Okay. We need to leave this place. Neal: Belle, wait. It means we can bring him back. Does it matter who got us here? Belle: Rumple didn't sacrifice his life for good so he could return to be a slave to evil. Neal: My father is the king of loopholes. I'm sure he'll figure out a way to deal with her. Belle: But what if he can't? Think what she could do if the Dark One was under her control. We'll find another way to bring him back. Neal: What if there is no other way? I can't waste any more time. I need to get back. To hell with the cost. Belle: That's what your father told himself when he forged the curse that condemned countless people to misery. Don't make the same mistake he made. Belle: Neal, wait! (Neal unlocks the vault.) Neal: Aah! (He is burn by the key. The vault is opened. A dark liquid goes out from the vault. It takes a human form.) Belle: Rumple? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Neal and Emma are walking into the woods.) Neal: So, New York, huh? Emma: I like the pizza. Neal: Did Henry like it? Emma: He loves pizza. Neal: I meant living there in the city. Emma: Oh, yeah. I did, too. Finally had time to do all the things we normally couldn't. Neal: Like what? Emma: Go to the park, see a movie, go to the zoo, just do nothing. Life was good... Really good. Neal: It didn't get lonely? Just the two of you? Emma: Henry had tons of friends at school, and I... Had someone. Sorry. Neal: Why are you sorry? Of course you did. It's not like we were... Or you even remembered... Was it serious? Emma: He proposed. Neal: Wow. Emma: And then he turned into a flying monkey. Neal: Sounds intense. Emma: Go ahead and laugh. I almost married a monster from Oz. It's hilarious. Neal: I almost married a minion of my evil grandfather, Peter Pan. So I know what you're saying. Hey, I'm sorry it didn't work out. Emma: Really? Neal: I care about you, Emma. I always will. I just want you to be happy... Even if it isn't with me. Emma: We were happy once. Neal: We never found Tallahassee. (Emma's cell rings. Emma answers.) Emma: Belle, what'd you find? Belle: The symbol on Neal's hand, it's from an ancient talisman... A key that opens the vault of the Dark One. I think he may have used it to resurrect Rumple back when we were in the Enchanted Forest. Emma: Wait, so he brought Gold back? Belle: That's where it gets unclear. The vault will only restore the Dark One in exchange for another life. Emma: Whoa. Hang on a minute. What? Belle: It's a one-for-one trade. If Neal used that key... He should be dead right now. Neal: Aah! (Neal is in pain, he falls.) Emma: Neal? Neal? Neal, what did you do? Neal: Aah! Aah! (Mr Gold's face appears on Neal's face.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Enchanted Forest - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Into the snowy clearing. Neal is in pain.) Neal: Aah! Aah! Belle: Neal! Neal! What's wrong? Neal: Aah! Aah! Belle: Are you okay? Neal: Aah! Belle: Neal. It's okay. Just hold on, okay? (Rumplestiltskin appears.) Rumplestiltskin: Belle. Bae. No. Bae. (Rumplestiltskin holds his son. Zelena appears.) Zelena: Poor Baelfire. Just couldn't learn from his father's mistakes. He wanted so badly to get back to his son. Couldn't see the forest for the trees. Rumplestiltskin: You did this. You tricked him. Zelena: All I did was pass on some vital information... With the help of a friend. And then your son did the rest. Rumplestiltskin: You didn't tell him the price. Zelena: Oops. It's a sin of omission, love. Although, I would have thought it was rather obvious... A life for a life. Rumplestiltskin: It's gonna be all right, son. Zelena: I do doubt that. Rumplestiltskin: Go. (Belle stands up.) Rumplestiltskin: I'm not gonna let him go. (Rumplestiltskin use his powers on his son. Zelana use hers to take the dagger.) Zelena: Sorry, Rumple. You can't hang on to both of them. (Rumplestiltskin lets the dagger go to save his son.) Zelena: Wow. I didn't think you had it in you. (Rumplestiltskin absorbs his son.) Zelena: You've got your son, but you've lost yourself. Belle: Rumple? Rumplestiltskin: No. No Rumple. No room. No room. No Rumple! Zelena: Enough of this. Your madness is your burden, not mine. It's time to go. But before we do, kill her. Belle: Rumple? (Lumiere holds back Zelena to help Belle to escape.) Zelena: Candle! Lumiere: Go! I can't keep her for long! Go! Hurry! Don't make me regret this flash of conscience! Get out of here! Zelena: You're going to regret this, Candle. (Belle takes Lumiere with her and leaves crying.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Into the woods.) Neal: Aah! Emma: I think... I think Gold is inside you. I think that's how you're still alive. Neal: I heard my father's voice in my head. He's in there. He's in me. Emma: He said there was no room. He meant you. Neal: I need you to help me, Emma. Use your magic. Separate me and my father. Emma: Really? You'll die. Neal: I know, but you need my dad more than me to figure out who the witch is... To save the town. You need to do this. Emma: I've never done anything like that before... Not that big. Neal: Do it to save you and Henry. Do it. Please. (Emma uses her powers and separates Neal and Mr Gold.) Emma: Neal! Neal, are you okay? Mr Gold: What have you done? Neal: It's okay, papa. I told her to. Mr Gold: But why? Neal: So you can tell her who the witch is so you can defeat her. Mr Gold: Zelena. Emma: What? Mr Gold: Zelena. Emma: She's the witch? What does she want? Mr Gold: What she doesn't have. Emma: There has to be some way you can save him, right? Neal: It's too late, Emma. Emma: Just hang in there, please. You never even had a chance to see Henry... For him to remember you. Neal: It's okay. He doesn't need to. He just needs to know that, in the end, I was a good father. I saved this for you to give to you again. Take it. (Neal gives her necklace back to Emma.) Neal: Go find Tallahassee... Even if it's without me. Emma: Neal. Neal: Hey. I'll be watching over you guys from somewhere. Promise me... Just prom... Promise me you'll both be happy. Emma: I promise. I promise. Mr Gold: No. No, no, no. I can fix this. Neal: No, you can't. You can't. Thank you, papa, for showing me what it is to make a true sacrifice. It's about saving the ones that you love. Mr Gold: No. Neal: It's my turn now. Mr Gold: No. I don't want to let you go. Neal: I need you to. Please. Let go. Mr Gold: I love you, son. Neal: I... I love you, papa. (Neal dies.) [SCENE_BREAK] (David and Emma enter into the loft. They are armed.) Mary Margaret: Emma, David, what's going on? Emma: Where's Zelena? Mary Margaret: In the bathroom. Why? (They enter into the bathroom.) David: She had to know we were coming. Emma: I'll call Regina. We need to get a protection spell around this apartment right away. Mary Margaret: Does anyone want to tell me what's going on? David: I'm just glad you're safe. Mary Margaret: Of course I'm safe. Why wouldn't I be safe? David: It's Zelena. Emma: She's the Wicked Witch. Mary Margaret: What? How do you know? Emma: Gold told us. Neal brought him back before... Mary Margaret: Before what, Emma? What happened? Emma: Neal's dead. Mary Margaret: Emma, I'm so sorry. (Mary Margaret hugs Emma.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr Gold is stayed near his dead son into the woods. Zelena comes.) Zelena: That was rather ill-timed... Your son coming to the surface and staging that little escape. I can see he'll no longer be a problem. Mr Gold: My son may be gone, but he gave his life so I could tell the Saviour... Who you really are, Zelena. And now it's only a matter of time before she and the others find you... And kill you. Unless, of course, I manage it first. Zelena: Please. You can't hurt me, but you're more than welcome to try. I do so enjoy watching futility wreck a man's will. There. Much better. Now that your head is no longer cluttered, everything's working properly. And it's so much more entertaining. Mr Gold: You may control me, but it's over, Zelena. They know who you are. You'll never get close to Snow White's baby now... To any of them... To whatever your unholy desires are. Zelena: They may know who I am now, but it no longer matters, not when I have you, Rumplestiltskin... Not when I have your beautiful brain. So be a good little Dark One and get back in your cage. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr Gold is going back to his cage. He sits.) Mr Gold: Oh, Bae. [SCENE_BREAK] (Robin is playing with his son. Regina watches them.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret and David enter in Mr Gold's shop. Mary Margaret hugs Belle. David puts his hand on Hook's shoulder.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma joins Henry in the park.) Emma: How was it? Henry: It was awesome. We should take more fishing trips when we get back home. Mom? Emma: Come here, kid. (They sit on a bench.) Emma: You were right. I was not... Completely honest with you about this case... This trip. The reason I brought us here is because... Someone was in trouble, and the person who needed help was not a client. It was your father. Henry: This is about my dad? Emma: Some bad people wanted to hurt him. Henry: Is he okay? Did you find him? Emma: I found him... But I was too late. He's gone, Henry. He was a good man, and he would have been a great father. There's one thing I need you to know about him... He was a hero. Henry: I wish I would have known him. Emma: You did. Henry: Mom, you're not making any sense right now. Emma: I know. Henry: What happened to the person who did it? Emma: They got away... But I'm going to find them.

Plan: A: the forgotten year; Q: What is the name of the year that Neal and Belle find Lumiere? A: Neal; Q: Who is found in Storybrooke? A: Lumiere; Q: What is the name of the candlestick holder? A: Rumplestiltskin; Q: Who is Zelena's slave? A: Zelena; Q: Who is the Wicked Witch? A: Regina; Q: Who meets Robin Hood? A: Robin Hood; Q: Who does Regina meet in Storybrooke? A: Mary Margaret; Q: Who does Emma and David go back to and tell about Zelena? A: her child; Q: Mary Margaret is thinking Zelena would help her when she gives birth to what? A: the forest giving orders; Q: Where was Zelena? A: the cage; Q: Where does Zelena keep Rumple? Summary: In the forgotten year, Neal and Belle find a candlestick holder named Lumiere, who may be the key to helping them restore Rumplestiltskin back to life. In present day Storybrooke, Rumplestiltskin is a slave to Zelena, who has the dark one's dagger. Neal is also found, but something is wrong with him that even he doesn't understand. Also, Regina meets Robin Hood and is startled when she sees his lion tattoo. Emma and David found out Rumplestiltskin who's looking crazy in the forest of Storybrooke. Later, they find out that Rumple and Neal are in each of the body. Neal sacrificed himself to separate his father from his body, so that his father can tell the savior who the Wicked Witch really is. In sorrow, Rumple told Emma that the Wicked Witch is Zelena. Emma and David go back to Mary Margaret and tell her about Zelena, whom she's thinking would help her when she gives birth to her child. They find her, but didn't find out where she had been. She was in the forest giving orders to Rumple to get back into the cage where she keeps him.

Pam: [answering the phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. I'm sorry, he's not in yet. Would you like his voicemail? Michael: [heard yelling from the street] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, okay! Twelve miles an hour. Eat that, Carl Lewis! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Angela made several 911 calls about cars going too fast in front of the building, so the police put up a radar gun. It's actually caused a bit of a traffic hazard. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [yelling as he runs past the radar gun] Aah! Phyllis: Wow, thirteen! Dwight: Yes! Michael: No. No, no. There was wind. Dwight: I was just jogging. Michael: Dwight, there was wind. I want a do-over. Jim: No, no, no, it's not your turn. All right, thirteen is the new number. Oscar, go ahead. Michael: I want another try. Here we go! [Michael runs past the radar as a car passes] Thirty-one! Thirty-one! Stanley: There was a car. Michael: I was ahead of the car. Thirty-one is my new number. Oscar: Thirty-one is humanly impossible. Michael: Go, Oscar. Thirty-one's my number. Oscar: That's impossible. Michael: Beat it! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Today's a big day. My presence has been requested by [in an authoritative voice] Chief Financial Officer, David Wallace. [in normal voice] He says that he wants to talk about big picture stuff. And, I'll be honest, I have little or no idea what that means, so... probably bad. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Quick announcement[/b]: new year, new candy. Kevin: Whoo-hoo! Pam: Okay, be careful, Kevin. They're kind of spicy. Kevin: Hot tamales. Pam: Yeah. Kevin: Uh oh. Pam: So, maybe just try one at first, and then if it's okay, have a couple more... Andy: [entering the office] Excuse me, everyone, can I have the floor please? Um, this is insanely awkward. It's kind of the elephant in the room, so I'll just... [sighs] No one has RSVP'ed to our wedding yet, and the deadline was yesterday. Michael: Wait, you still don't know... Jim: [getting up quickly to silence Michael] No, no. Nope. Andy: Hmm? Jim: Nothing. Michael: You still don't know. Jim: Why don't... Let's... Michael: [to Jim] What are you doing? Jim: How about we just... Just have to talk to you for a second... Michael: Andy. Jim: Ahh! [ushers Michael into his office] Andy: No, no one has RSVP'ed, and I don't understand it, and now, you're shutting me out. You're not even listening. That's really considerate. Thank you. Michael: [from inside his office] No, what I'm saying is... Jim: No, no. Michael: No, that's not it. Jim: I know. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Andy still doesn't know that Angela's having an affair with Dwight. And it's been seventeen days. I mean, eventually he'll figure it out, when their kids have giant heads and beet-stained teeth. But right now it's just... awkward. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [sighs] How can he still not know? Jim: We can't figure that out. Michael: I can't take it anymore. Dwight: Wait, what? You can't take what? Michael: I am telling Andy. Dwight: No. You can't do that. It shouldn't come from you. Michael: Who should it come from, then? Everyone: [simultaneously] Angela. Michael: [to Dwight] Are you still having intercourse with her? [Dwight's expression implies 'yes'] Oscar: What is wrong with you? She is engaged. Michael: Did you ever have intercourse in this office? [Dwight's expression implies 'yes'] Oscar: Are you serious? Ugh. Where? [Dwight stares at Oscar; more forcefully] Where? [Dwight's expression implies 'at your desk'; Oscar's voice breaks] Where, Dwight? Dwight: [coolly] Seems like you already know where. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Kevin, you screwed this form up again. The amount owed goes at the top. Kevin: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was doing something wrong. If I had, I would've admitted it, and stopped right away. Angela: That's enough. Kevin: Because I wouldn't want an innocent person, who doesn't know anything about the form... [Angela puts headphones on; Kevin looks at Oscar] What? Oscar: That was good... It's just, at the end you weren't saying something that could also apply to the form. Kevin: How about, "I'm sorry I did such a whorish job filling out this form?" Oscar: There you go. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [on the phone] That cannot be true! [Dwight jumps] You're going to charge me a fee to cut my own cake? Uh, no. No, no, no. What I'm saying is, I want to cut it myself... Dwight: [whispering to Jim] Trade seats with me. Jim: No. Dwight: I've got a better angle on Pam. I can see everything. Jim: Please stop. Dwight: [grabs a spoon from Jim's coffee cup and checks behind him with it] I need a soup spoon. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Rule 17[/b]: don't turn your back on bears, men you have wronged, or the dominant turkey during mating season. There are forty rules all Schrute boys must learn before the age of five. [sings] Learn your rules. You better learn your rules. If you don't, you'll be eaten in your sleep. [makes chomping sound] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [moves his bobblehead from one side of his nameplate to the other and clears his throat to get Angela's attention] [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: What is it? Dwight: You've got to tell Andy about us. Angela: That is a terrible idea. One of your worst. Dwight: Get it over with. Then we don't have to hide anymore. Angela: You're expanding on your worst idea. Dwight: Do you love me or not? Angela: I've already admitted that I do. Why do you keep making me repeat it? Dwight: Because you're engaged to Andy. Angela: [sighs] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Well? Dwight: Not yet. Jim: When? Andy: When what? [clears throat] When what? Michael: You know this can't go on. Andy: What can't go on? Michael: We have to put an end to this. Andy: Seems like... Michael: Come on. [Dwight and Jim follow into Michael's office] Andy: You guys should... be hearing what I'm saying. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: This is really not how this is supposed to happen. Dwight: Angela said she was going to tell him. She's just not ready. Michael: When will she be ready? Dwight: I don't know. Michael: Is she crazy in bed? Dwight: [boastfully] Yes. Jim: Stop. What? Michael: How so, specifically? Jim: Okay, listen. Dwight: Eager. Jim: This shouldn't happen at work. Dwight: And flexible. Jim: And! Michael: Really? Jim: This shouldn't be coming from his boss. And we should also consider the fact that that man has an anger issue. Michael: It's too late. Jim: Well it's not too late, because you haven't done anything. Michael: I am already walking. Dwight: Michael, once this gets out... I don't know how it's going to go down. Michael: Okay, what does that mean? Dwight: Might get ugly. Michael: [sighs] Jim, this has to get out, so we can all deal with it. Jim: But you're leaving... Dwight: [to Michael, who opens the door to leave] Have a good trip. Michael: Thanks. [to Andy] Andy? Andy: Yeah. Michael: Walk with me. Andy: Will do, boss-man. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Ohh, I do not have much time... car's all the way over there, to tell you what I have to tell you. And just bear in mind when I say... say these things, that... are bad things... that you hear... in your ears... this is something that I, if I were you, that I wouldn't want to hear... Andy: You're not making any sense. Michael: Well... no, I'm not. So I... I'm not very articulate today, so I'll just leave it for another time. Another day. Andy: All righty. Michael: Which will be fine. I am off! Andy: Have a good meeting! Michael: Thank you! [gets into his car] Andy: [through the car window] Kick Wallace's ass! Michael: [through the car window] Okay. I will... Dwight and Angela are having an affair, so... Andy: I can't hear you through the glass Michael: [rolls down car window] Dwight and Angela are having an affair. They've been sleeping together for some time. That was the news. I wanted to let you know. Andy: What? Michael: All right. See you later. [backs out of the parking space] Ahh. Andy: Are you serious? Michael: Yep. [drives off] [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: I knew something bad was gonna happen today. Oscar: You said that yesterday. Meredith: Yeah, my neighbor got murdered. Jim: [to Dwight] What are you standing for? Dwight: If I'm sitting, I can't disable his neck or his groin. Jim: You're not going to do anything to his neck or his groin. Dwight: If I'm sitting, I don't have the option to. Jim: Dwight, I'm in charge when Michael's gone, and I need you to sit... Andy: [enters the office and walks to Angela] I need to talk to you. Angela: We can talk right here. Andy: I need to talk to you in private. Kevin: We're not listening. Andy: Let's go to the conference room. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Is it true? Angela: What have you heard? Andy: That you're sleeping with Dwight. Angela: That doesn't sound like me. Andy: Is it true? Angela: Andy, I'm engaged to you. I mean, we just signed off on our wedding flowers. Would I have said yes to formal chrysanthemums if I didn't want to get married? And, we went through all that stuff with our wedding cake... Andy: Just answer the question. Are you sleeping with Dwight? Angela: A little bit. Andy: How long has it been going on? Angela: I don't know. I mean, we were together, and then he killed sprinkles, and then we stopped, and... I don't know exactly when we started up again. Andy: Who else knows about it? Angela: Michael. Andy: Who else? Angela: [quietly] Let me think about it... I, um... there... [Andy looks over to see everyone watching them] Andy: Oh God. Come on! [SCENE_BREAK] David: So listen, Michael, your branch has been doing great lately, and your sales staff is reporting very strong numbers. Out-performing last year, in fact. Um, and I don't know exactly how to put this, but... what are you doing right? Michael: Right what? David: Utica, Albany, all the other branches are struggling, but your branch is reporting strong numbers. [Michael smiles] Look, you're not our most traditional guy, but clearly, something you are doing... is right. And I just, I need to get a sense of what that is. Michael: David, here it is. My philosophy is basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter... where. Or who, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or... or where you've been... ever. For any reason, whatsoever. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Sometimes I'll start a sentence, and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: This is going to sound sort of high-maintenance, but could we have it, like, three degrees cooler in here? I always think better when it's cooler. [SCENE_BREAK] David: Here's the thing. Michael is doing something right. And in this economic climate, no method of success can be ignored. It's not really time for executives to start getting judgmental now. It's Hail Mary time. Michael: [pokes his head in] Hey, what say we order up some pasta? David: What say we do. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Standard, you know? Nothing fancy. Andy: So like, missionary... Angela: I said nothing fancy. Andy: Do you love him? Angela: I love you. Andy: Why should I believe that? Angela: Andy, we are at a crossroads here. And we can either give in to what people are saying that we're not good together. Andy: Who says that? Angela: Or, we can prove them wrong. Let's prove them wrong. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Where's Dwight? Jim: You okay, man? Andy: No. Not at all, actually. But thanks for asking. Appreciate it. You know what? I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for lying. To my face. And not telling me what's been going on this entire time. Creed: You are welcome. Andy: [Dwight enters] Dwight. Dwight: Andy. Andy: It's over. Dwight: Oh good. She broke up with you. Andy: No. It's over between you two. Dwight: Uh, no way. I am not giving up. Andy: You have to. Dwight: No I don't. Andy: [forcefully] She doesn't love you. She's marrying me. Dwight: [angrier] Well I don't know about that, because she certainly seems to enjoy making lovemaking with me. Andy: Angela Bernard. Dwight: Will never be her name. Andy: It will be her name. And you will have to call her that! Dwight: I don't think so. Jim: Hey guys, why don't we, uh, just cool off a bit? Andy: I'm telling you to back down. Dwight: And I'm telling you that I will never back down. Andy: Then I'll make you. Dwight: Oh really? How are you gonna do that? Andy: Through the use of force. Dwight: That is very general, and does not scare me in the slightest. Andy: I will fight you. Jim: Nope. Dwight: Okay, fine! Good! A duel! The winner gets Angela. Andy: Fine! Dwight: Fine! Oscar: This is nuts. Dwight: What is your weapon? Jim: Okay, you know what? That's enough. Because... Dwight: Hey, this is none of your business. Jim: Hey. It is my business when it happens at work. Andy: Guess what? Not happening at work. Dwight: Yes! Andy: We're gonna do it outside. Dwight: Outside of work. Andy: None of your business. Dwight: None of your business then. [Dwight and Andy high five] Good. So what weapon? Andy: My bare hands. Dwight: That is stupid. I will use a sword and I will cut off your bare hands. Andy: Then I'll get something too. [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: I've had two men fight over me before. Usually it's over which one gets to hold the camcorder. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Angela, you have to put a stop to this right now. Angela: [thinks for a moment] I will respect the results of the duel. Pam: Of course you will. Meredith: I call loser! Andy: I will be taking my break at 4:00 in the parking lot. Dwight: I will also be talking my break at the exact same time and in the same location. Andy: [softly] What a coincidence. Dwight: Mm. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: So, I either get more involved, or I take a sick day... leaving Dwight in charge. Oh God. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [collects Dwight's weapons from around the office; holds up a hand scythe] Dwight: [innocently] How'd that get there? Meredith: There's a star-shaped thing taped under the kitchen table. Jim: Thanks Meredith. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: So I was in the office, and I look over to our Accounting division, and there is Kevin Malone. Kevin is wearing a jacket that I've never seen before. And I call over to Kevin, "Kevin, is that a tweed jacket?" And he looks at me and he says, "Michael, yes it is a tweed jacket." And I look back at him and I say, "I feel the need!... The need for tweed." David: It's hard to try and evaluate yourself, Michael, but I appreciate you trying. [gets up] And thanks for coming in. Michael: [rises] Oh, thank you. David: Yes. Michael: I have to say, I am so impressed with the potential you see in me. David: Yeah. Michael: Okay. [sits back down to continue eating] David: [opens his office door] Yeah, finish up. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [shouting] Come on! Where are you? Let's do this thing! Come on! Come on out! Angela: [watching from the conference room] I can't believe they're gonna fight over me. Kelly: I guess people have fewer choices as they get older. Dwight: Come on! Meredith: Hey, has anything happened yet? Dwight: Where are you? Oscar: Mm-mm. It's 4:10, I don't think he's gonna show. Kevin: Oh come on, man! Believe in something. Dwight: Come on, coward! Where are you? Where... [spots a note attached to the bushes; goes to read it] "From the desk of Andrew Bernard." [scoffs] A note. Pathetic. "Dear Dwight, by now you have received my note. How are you? I am well. You are no doubt wondering why I have left this note. It has come to my attention that in any physical match with you, I would surely be bested." True. "The soft underbelly of my refined upbringing is my soft underbelly..." [as Dwight continues to read, Andy drives around the corner very slowly] [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: There's Andy, he's in his car. You guys, what is he doing? Phyllis: Why isn't Dwight turning around? Oscar: The Prius is silent if he keeps it under five miles per hour. He deserves the win. Creed: Yeah. Dwight: [still reading] Alas, after much consideration and deliberation... Pam: Oh my God! Stanley: What's happening? Phyllis: Andy's running over Dwight with his car. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Whoa! What are you! Hey! Hey! Andy: Yeah. Everyone watching: Oh! Dwight: Come on! Ow! Ah! Aah! Andy: You give up? Dwight: Never! [hits Andy's car with his bike chain] Get out and face me like a man! Andy: I am a man! I'm a bigger man than you'll ever be! I would never sleep with another man's fiance! Dwight: You're not a man! You don't know how to take care of her! [hits his car with the bike chain] All you do is dress fancy and sing. [imitating Andy] "La la la la la la la la la la!" What does that mean? You can't even protect her! Andy: Protect her from what? Bears, you idiot? When's the last time you saw a damn bear in Scranton? Dwight: Last year, idiot! [hits his car with the bike chain] Jim: Dwight! Are your legs broken? Dwight: No. My right one's falling asleep a little bit. Jim: Andy, are you all right? Andy: Go away, Tuna! I'm winning this! Dwight: Yeah, back off. This isn't your fight. Oh, how much is this gonna cost? [hits his car with the bike chain] Oh! What? Trust fund will take care of that! [hits his car with the bike chain] Andy: What did you say? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you. Dwight: I sa- [Andy honks his horn] Andy: What? You stupid idiot! [Andy honks his horn] You're like, you're like a Sasquatch! You live in the woods... Dwight: Sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet! So fine, call me a Sasquatch! Andy: I don't get it! How can she be sleeping with you this whole time and only sleep with me twice? Dwight: What? Andy: What! Dwight: She's sleeping with you? Andy: I'm her fiance. Dwight: She said she was only sleeping with me. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [enters, followed by Dwight, and makes a call] Yes, hi, my last name is Bernard, and I would like to cancel a wedding cake that I had ordered. B-E-R, N-A, R-D. Yeah, the one shaped like a sailboat... Yep, that's the one. Dwight: [picks up his bobblehead and throws it in the trash can] Andy: Thank you. [hangs up] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Wow, what a day! Haha! I thought I was gong to get chewed out, but, hold on! Here's an attaboy for ya! What? Rollercoaster ride! Rollercoaster! It just goes to show, you leave Scranton, exciting things can happen. [sighs] Ahh! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [as Jim is collecting weapons, runs to the couch near reception and pulls out a crossbow; Jim catches him and he hands it over]

Plan: A: Michael; Q: Who tells Andy about Angela's affair? A: a duel; Q: What do Dwight and Andy plan? A: David Wallace; Q: Who does Michael meet with in New York? A: Michael's methods; Q: What does David Wallace want to know about? A: the Scranton branch; Q: What branch is doing well? A: no insight; Q: What does Michael have when David Wallace asks him about his methods? Summary: The office is tense because Andy still has not found out about Angela's affair with Dwight. After Michael tells him, Dwight and Andy plan a duel. When they realize Angela has been sleeping with them both, each dumps her. In New York, Michael travels to corporate to meet with David Wallace, who wants to know Michael's methods as the Scranton branch is actually doing well. Not surprisingly, Michael has no insight.

Act 1 Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Frasier is sitting at the dining table, reading. Daphne and Niles come in the front, wearing athletic clothes. Daphne: Hello Niles: Hey. Frasier: Ah, the weekend warriors have returned. Daphne: Yeah. You better watch out, Dr. Crane, I'm getting pretty good at kickboxing. She does a high kick at him. Niles: It's true. She hits so hard they're calling her "The British Pound." Daphne: You hit pretty hard yourself there, "Nails." [She kisses him.] I'm going to hop in the shower. She heads for her room. Frasier: "Nails"? Niles: Oh, you scratch one guy... Oh, my electrolytes are plummeting. Care to join me in a sherry? Frasier: Ah, actually, I'd love to, Niles, but I'm off to see Dr. Tewksbury. He gets up and puts the book away. Niles: Oh, I didn't realize your mentor was still in town. Frasier: Yes, and because of it, I've been the fortunate recipient of some informal therapy. It's really been quite enlightening. You know, I consider myself lucky to be in the hands of such a master. Niles: Well, I'm happy for you, Frasier. He is a gifted psychiatrist, even if I don't share your god-like worship of him. Frasier: Oh, I simply have a healthy respect for the man, Niles. It's hardly worship. Niles: Oh, please. You're one step away from seeing his image appear in a tortilla. Daphne comes hurrying from her room in her bathrobe. Daphne: Niles, thank heavens you're still here! Niles: What's wrong? Daphne: You can't go to Nervosa today. Niles: Why not? Daphne: I just had a psychic vision that something bad's going to happen to you. Niles: Oh, come on, Daphne... Daphne: Niles, I'm serious! I know you don't believe in visions, but it's important to me. Promise me you won't go. Niles: All right, if it means that much to you, I won't go. I'll go straight home. Daphne: Thank you. I feel much better. [She gives him a kiss.] I'll see you later. She heads to her room again. Frasier opens the door and Niles turns to leave with him. Frasier: Wow, that was scary. Niles: Don't tell me you believe in that stuff... Frasier: No, I meant the way she can manipulate you like that. Niles: Oh, please, I was just being diplomatic. Frasier: Tell me, is it difficult to kickbox without a spine? Niles: You're gonna find out. They exit. FADE OUT. Scene 2 - Cafe Nervosa Fade in. Frasier is sitting at a table, drinking coffee and reading. Roz comes in with some bags. Roz: Hello, Frasier. Frasier: Oh, hi, Roz. Oh, been on a shopping spree, I see. Roz: Yes, Alice is been visiting her grandmother for the week. So, I finally have some time to myself. I tell you, it's great shopping without her pulling down a display rack. Not only that, I actually woke up today without someone jumping on the bed and sticking her little fingers up my nose. Frasier: Yes. Roz: And I didn't have to spend half the morning combing knots out of that little girl's curls... Frasier: [hands her his cell phone] Give Alice my love. Roz: [getting up] Thank you, I will. Roz goes off to make her call. Niles steps into the doorway. Niles: Psst, Frasier. Can you get me a latte? Frasier: Why don't you just get it yourself, Niles? Oh, that's right: it's bad moogambo for you to enter. Niles: You know I promised Daphne. Frasier: [rising] Yes, yes, and woe betide he who disobeyeth the oracle! Niles: All right, all right, wait. Maybe if I get it to go, and don't sit down, I won't actually be breaking my promise to Daphne. Frasier: Step aside everybody, big set of onions coming through! Niles gives him a dark look as he steps to the counter. Niles: Latte to go, please. Frasier sits back down. Dr. Tewksbury comes in. Tewksbury: Hello, Frasier. Frasier: Dr. Tewksbury. Well, gosh, this is quite a surprise. What are you doing here? Tewksbury: Well, I've heard you mention how good their coffee is here, I thought I'd give it a try. May I join you? As he sits, Roz and Niles both come over. Frasier: Oh, yes, of course. I'm terribly sorry. Oh, Roz, meet Dr. Tewksbury. Dr. Tewksbury, this is my producer Roz Doyle. And my brother Niles. Niles, Dr. Tewksbury. Niles: Hello, how do you do? Tewksbury: I don't believe we've ever met, but I seem to recall reading a fascinating paper of yours recently. Niles seems flattered and reaches for a chair. Niles: Oh, yes, it was probably the one about phobias. Oh, can't sit, can't sit. Frasier: It's a long story. Anyway, Dr. Tewksbury, I was just wondering, did you happen to read the article on behavior modification in... Tewksbury: Now, Frasier, let's not talk shop. You don't want to bore Roz. Roz: Oh, it's all just white noise to me, now. [Tewksbury laughs] Frasier: Yes, all right. Niles, please, would you stop hovering and please sit down? Niles: All right. What could it hurt? He sits down just as Daphne comes in the door. Daphne: Niles! Niles: Daphne! He jumps up, banging his knee on the table. Daphne: How could you come down here? You broke your promise! Niles: And my patella! Daphne: Well, nothing bad would have happened if you'd paid attention to my premonition! Niles: Well, actually, nothing bad would have happened if you hadn't shown up. Daphne: Well, it wouldn't have not happened had I not shown up. Niles: Well, it wouldn't not have happened if you hadn't not shown up! Daphne: And I wouldn't have shown up had I not known that you wouldn't have been able to not come down here! Niles: Well, I'm not... not... not... what? Daphne: My point exactly! You don't listen. She rushes out. Niles tries to follow her but stops from the pain. Niles: Daphne! Frasier: Niles, Niles, you all right? Niles: Oh, no, I've aggravated my old bossa nova injury. Frasier: Well, perhaps I better drive you. I'm sorry, Dr. Tewksbury. Tewksbury: I understand. Frasier: Bye, Roz. Roz: Bye! Frasier helps Niles out the door. Tewksbury: Well, what was that all about? Roz: Well, she thinks she's psychic, but he doesn't believe her. Tewksbury: Well, no matter who's right or wrong, Niles needs to set up stricter boundaries with his patients. I learned that from years of practice. Roz: No, no. She's not his patient, she's his girlfriend. Tewksbury: Oh, well in that case, no matter who's right or wrong, HE's wrong. I learned that from years of marriage. Roz laughs. FADE OUT. DON'T FORGET THE GEIGER COUNTER AND THE DIVINING ROD Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Niles is on the couch, Frasier is by the bookcase. Frasier: Is there anything I can get you, Niles? Perhaps a cold pack, perhaps? Niles: No, no. If Daphne ever comes out of her room, I'll just use her icy stare. Frasier, if you don't mind, I'm going to have to cancel on the opera tonight. Frasier: Oh, Niles, you know I hate going to the opera alone. Throwing a woman's shawl over the seat next to me and glancing expectantly back at the ladies room all night. Niles: You do that? Frasier: No! Niles: Hey, why don't you ask Dr. Tewksbury if he'd like to go? Frasier: Oh, no. Niles: Oh, come on. Ever since his divorce I'm sure he's anxious to get out of the house. Frasier: Well, we're in a quasi-therapeutic relationship right now. Truth be told, I was actually a little uncomfortable socializing with him at Nervosa. Niles: Oh, I understand. You don't want to see the wizard behind the curtain. Everyone needs an idol, someone who represents a higher plateau of truth and knowledge. Frasier: Very insightful, Niles. For so many years I must have represented that plateau to you. Niles: Thank you, Frasier, laughter is indeed the best medicine. They share a chuckle. Daphne comes in from her room. Niles: [rising] Oh, Daphne. My knee's feeling much better. Daphne: [deadpan] Oh, good. She goes into the kitchen. Niles: Well I hope she doesn't expect me to run in there after her. Frasier: Good for you, Niles! Niles: With this knee I can only hobble. And he proceeds to hobble in there after her. Reset to: the kitchen as he enters. Niles: Daphne, I'm sorry. Daphne: Are you sorry for breaking your promise or for not believing me? Niles: I'm sorry for breaking my promise. Daphne: So you still don't believe I had a premonition? Niles: Well, it wasn't a premonition... Daphne: It certainly was! I told you if you went to Nervosa, something bad would happen, and you hurt your knee. What more proof do you need? Niles: Something a little more scientific than that, I'm afraid. Daphne: You need scientific proof? Well, I think we can do something about that. Niles: What do you mean? Daphne: There are people around who do this sort of research. Niles: Are those people here now? He smiles and she smacks his arm. Daphne: No! I'm talking about legitimate professionals. Niles: All right, all right. But it has to be a real scientist. Not some huckster who comes here with crystals and a ghost- o-meter. Daphne: As long as you have an open mind. And it's pronounced "ghost-ah-meters". Niles: I'm glad we worked this out. Daphne: Me too. Niles: And now that we've made up, maybe we could... He grins suggestively. Daphne: Well, I guess we know who's not psychic. She walks out as Niles bemoans another lost moment. FADE OUT. THE DOCTOR MAKES A HOUSE CALL Scene 4 - Roz's Apartment - a few days later Fade in. There is a knock at the door. Roz, in her nightgown and robe, opens the door to reveal Frasier. Roz: Frasier! I thought you were the pizza guy. Frasier: I thought we were writing promos tonight. You forgot, didn't you? Roz: NO! Yes. I'm sorry. Dr. Tewksbury comes in from the other room wearing one of Roz's short silk robes. Tewksbury: Pizza! We're gonna have pizza! We... [stops and puts on his glasses] Frasier! Hello. What are you doing here? Frasier: Oh, just, ah... wearing clothes. Tewksbury: Oh, right. Roz: Frasier brought over some work from the office. Tewksbury: Ah. I'll just... go get dressed. He hurries off to the other room. Roz turns back to Frasier. Frasier: I've gone blind. And ten seconds too late. So, since when have you and Dr. Tewksbury been seeing each other? Roz: Well, uh, the other day at Nervosa we really hit it off after you left and he asked me out for dinner and... we've been out every night since. Frasier: Really? Well, I must say I'm a bit surprised. Roz: Why? He's smart, very insightful. and he's such a great listener. Frasier: Yes, well, I'm happy for you, Roz. It's just a little difficult imagining the two of you together. Roz: You don't think I can appreciate a sophisticated man? You know, it's not just about s*x for me, Frasier. Dr. Tewksbury comes back in. Tewksbury: Uh, do you have a stepladder? My pants are stuck in the ceiling fan. Roz and Frasier share a look and, realizing neither is really the winner, Frasier walks off and Roz closes the door. FADE OUT. Scene 5 - Dr. Tewksbury's Office Fade in. Frasier is settling down with Dr. Tewksbury for a session. Tewksbury: Frasier, listen. Before we begin, I hope it wasn't too awkward seeing me with Roz last night. Frasier: Not at all. Well, it was just a little... jarring to see you out of context that way. But your personal life is your business. Speaking of which, let's, let's get down to business: The Crane mind! Tewksbury: Yes, let us. Looking at Dr. Tewksbury, Frasier gets a flash of him in Roz's robe. Tewksbury: Now, last time we had just broached the subject of your father's expectations and their effect on your early adulthood. Frasier tries to control his upset at the image of the robed doctor, unsuccessfully. He grows more uncomfortable as Tewksbury sits on the desk and puts a hand behind his head. Tewksbury: As we know, the internalization of a parent's moral code is crucial to the development of a superego. And considering the strict nature of your father's strictness... Frasier, is everything all right? Frasier again sees Tewksbury in his suit. Frasier: Yes, yes, of course. Please, continue. Tewksbury: Well you must admit that having a father whose very job is the enforcement of the moral code, would lead to an overdeveloped superego. As he leans across the desk, the image of him in the robe once again appears to Frasier. Tewksbury: I believe I have a paper on this subject. He goes to a filing cabinet and leans down to the bottom drawer, making Frasier VERY uncomfortable. Tewksbury: It's right here. Frasier tries to look away and back, but the image won't go away. [SCENE_BREAK] End of Act 1 Act 2 Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Martin is sitting in his chair, reading. Frasier comes in the front door. Frasier: Oh, hey, Dad. Martin: Hey. Frasier: How was your day? Martin: Why don't you just tell me what happened to you? Frasier: What are you talking about? Martin: Well, you know how my day goes: play with Eddie, watch TV, do my stretches. You only ask so I'll ask you about your day, so I'm askin'. Frasier: I am hurt. You're my father, of course I care about your day. He sits on the couch. Martin: Oh, well, uh, I played with Eddie, watched TV, did my stretches. Frasier: Oh, good. Martin: So, how was... Frasier: I just came from Dr. Tewksbury. Throughout the entire session, I just couldn't focus on anything he was saying. Martin: Wasn't he talkin' about you? Frasier: Yes, yes, but recently I saw him in... well, a less than dignified light. And ever since, I've just found it impossible to take him seriously. Martin: I know exactly what you're talking about. In Korea, I had this commanding officer, Lieutenant Franks. I would have followed that guy into the gates of hell. I saw him a few years later, he was flippin' hamburgers in a fast food place. That was hard to handle. I mean this guy took me under his wing and molded me. Frasier: Like a mentor? Martin: Yeah, exactly. He always used to say that one day he'd be takin' orders from me. I just never thought it'd be for extra onions. Frasier: So how did you handle it? Martin: Well, I just realized it was my problem, not his. And I wasn't gonna let it erase all that he'd meant to me. So I marched right back into that kitchen and saluted him. And after we were talkin' a while, I realized nothin' had changed. He was still the same hard-chargin' man's man who wasn't afraid to get his hands dirty. Which is why I never ate there again. Frasier and Martin share a laugh. Daphne and Niles come in from her room. Niles: Uh, if you two don't mind, Daphne's psychic evaluator is on the way over and we'd like to use the living room. Martin: [rising] Ooh, fine by me. That stuff creeps me out anyway. Frasier: Niles I still can't believe you ever agreed to this. Those tests are based on nothing more than subjective evidence and lucky guesses. Daphne: Yes, nothing at all like the subjective evidence and lucky guesses psychiatry is based on. Martin: [smugly] Thank you. He goes off to his room. Niles: Don't worry, I will thoroughly appraise the examiner and his testing methods. The doorbell rings. Frasier: Good luck. He leaves. Niles: That'll be him. Niles opens the door. The researcher is there. Niles: Come in. I'm Dr. Niles Crane, this is Daphne Moon. Daphne: Hello. Morey: Hello, I'm Dr. Sheldon Morey. Niles: Oh, doctor? Doctor of...? Morey: Spookology! [then] Kidding. That's just what most people expect. Actually I'm a professor of psychiatry at Seattle University. Niles: Really? Please, have a seat. Morey: Thank you. Niles: So, hmm, you're more of a debunker. Morey: Well, no, not at all. Actually, I apply scientific principles to the search for paranormal phenomena. Believe me, nothing would make me happier than discovering a legitimate psychic. He sits. Niles: Oh, so, then you've never found one. Morey: Well, if by "psychic" you mean people with above-normal prescience, then a few. If you mean somebody who could beat the house in Vegas, then no. I thought I had one for a while, but, uh... no. Niles: So, Daphne, do you still want to go through with this? Daphne: I'm ready if you are. Niles: All right, Doctor, she's all yours. Morey: Great. Now, I've got a card... Daphne: Ace of spades! Morey: ...with my office and fax number on it. Daphne: And your address! Morey: Correct. He hands the card to Niles. [SCENE_BREAK] DISSOLVE TO: later, Daphne and Morey are at the dining table and he's giving her a standard test with cards. Daphne: Star... Circle. Morey: And finally? Daphne: Circle. Morey: That's it. That was your final test. Daphne: And I'm psychic, right? Morey: Well, first we have to compare your results to those of the rest of the control group. It'll just take me a few minutes to run these numbers, okay? Daphne gets up and goes over to Niles. Niles: So? How do you think you did? Daphne: I think I did pretty well on the cards. The premonition test was a little tricky, but all in all I was in the zone. Niles: Well, we'll soon find out. Morey: You know, Daphne, I'm always curious: when was it that you first suspected you had psychic ability? Daphne: Oh, years ago, when I was a little girl. Grammy Moon first saw the gift in me. See, I was a girl in a house full of boys, which I hated, until Grammy told me that only Moon women had second sight. She had it, her mother had it and so on. After that, I noticed I could sense things before they happened, sort of like a secret power. Anyway, it's just always been a part of who I am. Morey: I see. Well, we have your results. Daphne: All right. I don't know why I'm a bit nervous. Morey: So, Daphne, from what I see here... Niles: Wait, uh... Wait. I don't think we should this, I don't want to know. Daphne: What do you mean? Niles: I'm sorry, I think this was a bad idea. Daphne: Well, I thought you wanted scientific proof. Niles: I changed my mind. I don't need a stranger telling me... anything about who you are. I want us to get to know each other on our own. Over time. Daphne: I knew you were going to say that! Niles: You did? Daphne: No, but I loved hearing it. She kisses him. Daphne: I'm sorry, Dr. Morey, we wasted your time. Morey: It's okay. The dog told me a couple of funny jokes while we were waiting. Niles and Daphne look unsure about this. Morey: I'm kidding. They weren't that funny. Daphne and Niles aren't quite sure how to react. FADE OUT. THE BIG CITY PROVES TOO MUCH FOR PETERSON Scene 2 - Tewksbury's Office Fade in. Frasier is again sitting in front of Tewksbury's desk, receiving analysis. Tewksbury: All right, Frasier, let's start with our last session. As I recall, you were having difficulty getting rid of a certain image in your mind? Frasier: That is correct. Tewksbury: Well, perhaps we should confront that. He pulls out the robe. Frasier: Oh, dear lord, I assumed that was Roz's. Tewksbury: It is. I was at her apartment this morning, I started thinking about your issue with the robe, and I decided to bring it with me. [He puts the robe on.] Now Frasier, you consider me a competent psychiatrist, don't you? Frasier: Of course I do. Tewksbury: Does seeing me dressed like this diminish that? Frasier: No, of course not. It's just, well... I know, on a conscious level, that the garment does not change who you are. But on, on an unconscious level, I'm all weirded out! You're my mentor, and you're wearing Roz's robe. Tewksbury: I'm still the same person. Frasier: Yes, but, it's Roz's robe. Tewksbury: And what does Roz's robe signify to you? Tewksbury begins to pace. Frasier: Roz. Tewksbury: Then maybe this isn't about you and me. Maybe this is about your relationship with Roz. While Tewksbury's back is turned, a student comes in the door. Tewksbury: Seeing me dressed like this brings up deep feelings. Don't be afraid of those feelings, go with them. [He notices the student.] Ah, Peterson. Here for your make-up test? Peterson: I was. But I'll just take the D. He leaves. Frasier and Tewksbury both realize there's not a lot they can say. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 3 - Roz's Apartment Fade in. There is a knock at the door, Roz answers it to reveal Frasier. Roz: Oh, Frasier. Frasier: You got a minute? Roz: We're not supposed to be working, are we? 'Cause I'm kinda busy right now. Frasier: It's not about work. Roz: Oh, come on in. He enters. Roz: Have a seat. Frasier: Thanks. They sit on the couch. Frasier: Listen, uh, something's been troubling me ever since I saw Dr. Tewksbury in your robe and, uh, at first I thought it was about the toppling of a hero, but I've since discovered that it's really about you. Roz: Let me guess: I'm not good enough for your precious mentor. Frasier: No, that's not it, Roz. Uh... When you were describing what attracted you to Dr. Tewksbury, I couldn't help thinking "That very well could have been me." Roz: So? Frasier: So, Roz, I've known you for, what, eight years now. And in that time I've seen you date hundreds of... Roz: Careful! Frasier: All right, dozens of men. Yet you never showed any interest in me. Well, except for that one drunken flirtation at the station retreat. The laugh at the memory. Frasier: Well, anyway, I assumed it was because I wasn't your type. Then I see you drawn to someone who's similar to me. Roz: You're jealous? Frasier: Well, no, not jealous, not exactly. It's more along the lines of "Why everybody else and not me?" Roz: Frasier, did you ever stop to think there may be something special about not being picked? Frasier: Roz, that didn't work when I was cut from pee-wee football, it's not gonna work now. Roz: Okay, I'll be honest with you. When we first started working together, I had a little crush on you. Frasier: Really? Roz: Yeah, sure. I mean, you were handsome and sophisticated and you had your French suits and your Italian shoes... Frasier: Actually, it was vice-versa, but go on, go on. Roz: But you were coming off this divorce, and you were my boss, and the whole thing was just too weird, so I never acted on it. Frasier: And you were right. You were. Anyway, it's nice to know how you felt. Thanks. Roz: Sure. They hug. Frasier: So, just for the record, though: you did have the hots for me? Roz: Yes, yes. Frasier: You're not just saying that? Roz: No. But, can you imagine the two of us together? Frasier: Oh, gosh, no. [rising] Strange idea, isn't it? Roz: Really strange. Frasier: Gosh, it's really hard to picture, isn't it? Of course, I mean, it wouldn't be your problem. It would be all me, trust me, all me. I mean, you're a perfectly wonderful person. Roz: What are you doing? Frasier: Well, I'm just saying how great you are. Roz: No, you're giving me the "It's not you, it's me" speech. If anyone should be giving that speech, it's me, not you. Frasier: Well, whatever you have to tell yourself, Roz. Roz: All right, get out! Frasier: Sounds to me like somebody still has a soft spot for the ol' boss man. Roz: OUT! She pushes him out and slams the door. FADE OUT. [SCENE_BREAK] Roz is sitting with Tewksbury on her couch, he's in her robe again. She hands him a gift bag. Looking in, he pulls out a nice man's robe. He thanks her, then sets it aside and goes back to watching television in her robe. Roz seems a bit disturbed by this.

Plan: A: Dr. Tewkesbury; Q: Who is Frasier's old Harvard mentor? A: the highest esteem; Q: What does Frasier hold Dr. Tewkesbury in? A: Café Nervosa; Q: Where does Frasier run into Dr. Tewkesbury? A: a few days later; Q: When does Frasier find Dr. Tewksbury at Roz's apartment? A: Daphne; Q: Who makes Niles promise not to go to Nervosa? A: a premonition; Q: What does Daphne have? A: a coffee; Q: What does Niles have when Daphne catches him at Nervosa? A: a specialist; Q: What kind of person do they decide to call in? A: scientific methods; Q: What methods will the specialist use? Summary: Frasier has been receiving some informal therapy from Dr. Tewkesbury, his old Harvard mentor, whom he holds in the highest esteem. He runs into him unexpectedly one day at Café Nervosa , and introduces him to Roz. He is subsequently startled when, calling round to Roz's apartment a few days later, he finds Dr. Tewksbury there with Roz, wearing one of her robes. After that, Frasier cannot get the image of his esteemed mentor in a silk robe out of his head. Daphne makes Niles promise not to go to Nervosa after she has a premonition that something bad will happen to him there. She later catches him in there with a coffee, and is very angry. They decide to call in a specialist, who can apply scientific methods to test her alleged psychic abilities.

(Open with various shots of Michael and David playing in the snow, building as nowman, etc.) Michael: (Michael knocks the head off the snowman) Oh no!(pointing to the carrot pen1s of the snowman) What's that about? (They get some pretzels to snack on) Michael: I got this. David: I got it, hang on. (he hands the vendor the money) (Cut toa restaurant where Michael and David are eating/talking.The check comes and both Michael and David go to pay forit) Waiter: Here you go, sir. Michael: Oh, I'll get that. David: No, no, no, no. (David bats Michael's hand awayand pulls out a hundred dollar bill. Michael puts hiswallet up and smiles) (Cut tothe grocery store. Michael spots things, then puts themback on the shelf. David grabs them and puts them in thebasket, patting Michael's butt on the way. They go up tothe checkout counter where they proceed to both pull outtheir wallet's again) David: No, no, no, no, no. I got it. (he pulls out acredit card and gives it to the lady) Thank you. (he wraps his arm around Michael, whistling, whileMichael looks a little upset) (Cut toa cab, where Michael and David are getting out. Michaelgoes to the window to pay the driver) Driver: Eight fifty. (Michael starts to grab the money when David shoos hishand again) David: No, no, no. Michael. (pulls out his wallet) Michael: No, I got this. David: Michael! (he hands him the money) Michael: No! David: Thank you. (Michael looks a little flustered as David starts walkingoff) (Cut tovarious shots of David paying for everything) (Settleson Michael and David in a nice restaurant, the checkarriving) David: (reaching for his wallet) No, I got it. Unless youwant anything else. Michael: Yeah, I do. David: Dessert? Good boy. (to waiter) Chocolate Death,two forks. Michael: (to waiter) I don't want dessert. David: Oh. One fork. (the waiter shakes his head and leaves) Michael: I want you to stop paying for everything. David: I don't know what you mean. Michael: You know what I mean! You're always picking upthe check and buying the movie tickets and getting thegroceries. David: So? Michael: So I'm working. You don't have to support me. David: I can afford it, you can't. What's the big deal? Michael: It's a big deal to me. David: I like to take you nice places, Michael. Michael: And I like to go to them, but...I don't like youpaying for me all the time. I--I feel...funny. David: You pay when you can, don't you? Michael: Yeah, and speaking of which... (he digs in hispocket and pulls out his wallet, handing David a check)this months house expenses. David: Thank you. See? I'm taking your money. Michael: Three hundred dollars a month. You sure that'shalf of everything? David: Sure. Michael: The cleaning lady? The utilities? David: Chocolate Death! (he points to the big piece ofchocolate cake the waiter brings) You want a bite? (Michael shakes his head 'no' so David takes the bite hewas offering. They sit in silence) (Babylon: Dyke Nite! Women invarious stages of dress are dancing everywhere. Variousshots of Mel are intersperced with the womendancing--she's just watching everything. Emmett, Ted andMel are all standing by the bar, looking at the crowd) Emmett: (to Ted) Isn't "Dyke Nite" fun? Ted: (sarcasticly) Can't remember when I had such a goodtime. Emmett: (whispers) I hate "Dyke Nite." Ted: (whispers) Me, too. I feel so violated. (Ted and Emmett spot two lesbians groovin' away) Emmett: Eww, what are they doing? Ted: (both look horrified) The muncher mash? You know? Emmett: So, Mel, when was the last time you were at"Dyke Nite"? Mel: Oh, before I met Lindsay. Ted: Remember, we weren't gonna mention her. Emmett: Hey...she's cute. (he points to a girl walkingby) Mel: She reminds me of Lindsay with red hair. Ted: What about her? (he points to someone else) Mel: She reminds me of Lindsay with black hair. (a guy starts walking by) Ted: Don't tell me. He reminds you of Lindsay in drag. Mel: (laughs) I can't help it. I miss her! I thought we'dbe together forever. That she'd be the one I kissgoodnight for the rest of my life. Now I live with mycousin Rita and kiss her goodnight. (chuckles) Christ! Ted: Look, Mel...it's been great hangin' with you, you'vebeen a great fag hag... Emmett: Only, the thing is: fag hag's are supposed to befun. (Mel laughs) Ted: So why don't you go see Lindsay, tell her how youfeel, and make up with her, okay? Mel: How can I do that? After what I did?! Ted: Whatever you did, you know, it takes two. You gotnothing to lose. Plus, you really wanna wait around forthe next... "Dyke Nite"? (shudders) (Emmett and Ted go to the dance floor and start dancingwhile Mel stays at the bar, looking around) (Justin and Brian are in thejeep, Brian driving him to school. Brian has a cup oflatte in his hands) Justin: You drink too much coffee. Brian: This isn't coffee, it's latte. Justin: Just coffee that costs five bucks. And it stillcauses high blood pressure, heart attack, poor sexualperformance. Brian: Haven't had any complaints. Justin: Not to mention insomnia. Brian: Well, usually when I'm in my bed I'm not asleepanyway, so it really doesn't matter. Justin: (laughs) See, fortunately I have youth on myside. I can stay up all night f*cking and still scorefifteen hundred on my SATs. Brian: Fifteen hundred? Justin: Yep. Brian: Wow, you could get into any school you wanted witha score like that. Justin: I applied to Dartmouth, Brown... Brian: You're going out of state? Justin: Why? Do you give a sh1t? Brian: It's just the first I've heard of it, that's all. Justin: (smiling) You do. You give a sh1t! You give ashit! (They pull up to the school) Justin: (singing) You so care about me! You love me somuch! Brian: Get out! (he gets out) Justin: Brian Kinney gives a sh1t! Brian: f*ck you. (Justin shuts the door and Brian drives off. Daphne's onthe stairs waiting for Justin, who walks up to her with abig smile) Daphne: Hmm! Well, you look self-satisfied. I'd even goas far as to say supercilious. Justin: (laughs) We all know you got seven hundredverbal. Stop showing off. (they start walking inside) Daphne: So, what did he say to you? Justin: (smiling) Hmm. It's what he didn't say. (St. James Academy: the inside ofa classroom. Students are everywhere, getting ready forclass to start. Chris walks by a student and pushes him) Chris: Excuse me, faggot! Student: I'm not a faggot. Chris: You look like one to me. Do you wanna suck mycock? (Daphne and Justin walk in, seeing this) Daphne: Christ. Can't they think of anything moreoriginal to say? Justin: Leave him alone, Hobbs. Chris: Oh, must be a faggot convention. Justin: Don't take it out on him. Chris: Take what out? Justin: Your dick. (they start pushing each other as the teacher walks in) Chris: Faggot! Mr. Dickson: Okay, you two, break it up. Now! (to Justin)Taylor, next time you cause trouble, you can talk to theprincipal. Justin: What? Daphne: Sir, Justin didn't do anything. It was Chris. Hecalled him a faggot. Mr. Dickson: Take your seats. Both of you. (they sit down as the teacher starts calling role) Mr. Dickson: Bueller? Kid: Here. Mr. Dickson: Chanders? Daphne: Here. Mr. Dickson: Frye? Kid #2: Here. Mr. Dickson: Gunderman? Kid #3: Here. Mr. Dickson: Hobbs? Chris: Here. (a student walks in) Mr. Dickson: Lipman, you're late. Mendelson? Kid #4: Here. Mr. Dickson: Ruiz? Kid #5: Here. Mr. Dickson: Taylor? Chris: Queer! (the class starts laughing) Mr. Dickson: Okay, class, quiet down. Thomas? Justin: (standing) Excuse me, Mr. Dickson. Mr. Dickson: What is is, Taylor? Justin: Chris just called me queer. Mr. Dickson: I didn't hear anything. Justin: How could you not hear it? Everybody heard that. Mr. Dickson: Sit down, Taylor. Justin: I want him to apologize. Mr. Dickson: I said sit down. Justin: Aren't you gonna do anything? Or are you justgonna pretend that nothing happened? Mr. Dickson: One more word from you and I'm sending youto the principal's office. Justin: (shocked, he grabs his backpack) Don't bother.(he starts walking as Daphne tries to get him to stay)The queer is going. The queer is out the door. The queeris gone! Mr. Dickson: Tha'ts enough of that. Justin: Oh! What do you know? He says it, you don't heara thing. But when I say it... Well, listen up now thatyour hearing has returned. This queer says "fuckyou!" (the class starts "ooh"ing and cheering) Mr. Dickson: (yelling, as Justin leaves) Okay, that's it,Taylor. You are out of here. (The bank: Brian and Michael arewaiting in line) Teller: Next customer, please. (they walk up) Hi, I'mPaul. If you open up a money market account with ustoday, you get a fifty dollar gift certificate for lazerhair removal. Michael: Thanks, I wax. (Paul laughs. During all this, Brian's been giving him"the look") Michael: Um, I was looking at my statement and unless Igot a raise that nobody told me about, uh, there's a lotmore money in my checking account than there should be. Paul: Oh, uh, just swipe your card and enter your pinnumber. (Michael does so) Brian: When you're finished helping my friend, could youcheck the balance in my account? Paul: Sure. (hands a pen and paper to him) Do you wannaput down the number? (Brian write his phone number down, Paul smiling) Paul: This is your phone number. Michael: Would you please let him help me with myfinancial problem before you hit on him? Brian: So how much extra do you have? Michael: Almost a thousand. Brian: Well, you should always have such financialproblems. Paul: Mmm. It appears some of your checks haven'tcleared. Michael: Which ones? Paul: Number five sixty-six, five seventy-four. Michael: Five eighty-three? Paul: That one, too. Michael: Well, thanks. At least I know where thediscrepancy is. David isn't cashing my checks. Brian: Well, maybe he forgot. You know how people arewhen they get to be his age. Michael: (pushing Brian, who's been staring at Paul) Comeon, let's go! Paul: (to Brian, holding up the paper with his phonenumber) I'll check this out, sir. Brian: Excellent. There are still certain services youcan't get at an ATM. (Mel is walking up to Lindsay'shouse. She pauses a bit, then continues to the door,ringing the bell) Mel: Linds... Lindsay: Mel... Mel: I, um...came by to see Gus, and...Oh, Linds, I missyou so much. Lindsay: I have waited so long to hear you say that. Mel: I'm sorry, baby. I am so sorry for everything. (they hug) Lindsay: Me, too. And it doesn't matter whose fault itwas. Mel: Now all that matters is this. (they start kissing) (flash to reality. A frenchman is standing at the door) Gui: Oui ? Mel: "We"? Gui: No, " oui ." As in, "is theresomething you would like"? Mel: Uh, actually, yes. I'd like to see Lindsay. Gui: Ah, Lindsay is not here right now. She's teachingclass. Mel: And who are you? Gui: I am Guillaume. And you are? Mel: (with fake accent) Melanie. Gui: Ah, Melanie, the ex-girlfriend. Mel: You know who I am? Gui: You're the one who had the affair. Of course, enFrance , this would be meaningless. Mel: I-I can't believe she told you that. Gui: Lindsay and I are very, uh, intime . Intimate. Mel: I got it. Look, I stopped by to see my son. Gui: (shaking head) Mm. I'm afraid that's not possible.It's his feeding time. Mel: Well, I could do it. (she starts to go in but ispushed back by Gui) Gui: No, no, no. I will do it. He gets very...um, what doyou call it? Uh, finicky. Mel: Okay, who the f*ck are you anyway and why hasn'tLindsay ever told me about you? Gui: Perhaps it's her decision, now that you're no longerliving together, not to share with you all the details ofher life. This is normal. (yelling to a crying Gus) I'mon my way, mon petit chou . (to Mel) So, I tell her youstop by. (he closes the door and she stands there, takenaback) (In the locker room, Brian,Michael, Ted and Emmett are all changing) Michael: Why would David keep taking my checks if he hasno intention of cashing them? Ted: Well, maybe he's waiting until next quarter when hehas less tax liability. Emmett: (laughs) Spoken like a true accountant. Brian: Or maybe he's just taking them to humor you. Michael: Well, I'm not amused. I can pay my own way. Ted: Very noble. Emmett: Yeah, and stupid. Michael, sweetie, it's everygay boy's dream to be a kept woman. (Mel walks in and all the guys start hustling around,covering their respective members) Mel: Christ, do you think I've never seen a dick before? Ted: Not mine! Emmett: It's okay! It's okay, everyone! She's a lesbian. Guy: Oh, she's a dyke. Michael: Melanie, what are you doing here? Mel: I took your advice and I went to go see Lindsay. (toBrian) Uh, when was the last time you talked to her? Brian: A couple weeks. Mel: Did she mention anything about a French guy? Brian: No. Michael: A French guy? Mel: I went over to see her and this f*ckin' froganswered the door. Brian: So? Mel: So, when I tried to see Gus, he slammed the goddamndoor in my face. Ted: Well, everybody knows the French are famous foreclairs, oral s*x and rudeness. Emmett: I once had a date that involved all three. Brian: (calling Lindsay) Maybe she just got herself a newbabysitter. Mel: From France? Ted: A little pricey on her teacher's salary. Mel: And how come she didn't tell us about it? (Brian's listening to the phone as the answering machineat Lindsay's comes on and Gui says "Bonjour") Brian: H-hey, listen to this. (he holds out the phone foreveryone to hear) Gui: (on answering machine) "You've reached Lindsayand Guillaume and beautiful baby Gus. If you have amessage for us, kindly leave it after the beep." Brian: "Us." (hangs up) Emmett: Pretty pushy for the help. Michael: Makes it sound like they're a couple. Ted: (to Mel) Quelque chose isn't kosher. (Justin's room. Deb knocks on thedoor and enters, bringing a tray of food and a drink, asJustin sits on the bed, drawing) Deb: Hey. (she closes the door) You know the last time Ibrought hot chocolate and fig newtons up here? Justin: When Michael lived here? Deb: Smart kid. Hm. He'd lock himself in here for hoursand hours. Told me he was playing with his modelairplanes. Ha! I know what he was playing with.(chuckles. She sets down the mug) Here. (holds out theplate) Want one? Justin: No thanks. Deb: It's a lousy thing that teacher did, having yoususpended. Justin: Yeah, I could punch dickhead Dickson's face in.Chris Hobbs, too. Deb: Only then you'd be just like them. (she sits on theedge of the bed) Justin: So what? They deserve it. Deb: Sure they do. But there are better ways of handlingit. Justin: Quit school? Deb: And give them the pleasure? (she holds out the plateagain and takes a bite of one of the fig newtons) Hmm?(Justin shakes his head 'no') You know...there werepeople...when they found out that Michael was gay...whosaid and did the cruelest things. Friends... neighbors...family. My own goddamn sister wouldn't even let her kidscome over here. Was afraid Michael was gonna molest 'emor something. Because that's the way people are. They'reignorant and they're scared. And there's nothing you cando... except educate 'em or shoot 'em. Me, I joined PFLAG'cuz I figured it was more practical than shooting 'em.(she chuckles as she takes another bite. Justin smiles)Do you have a gay club at your school? Justin: (chuckles) Are you crazy? Deb: I've been accused of it. Justin: No. I'm, like, the only gay student there. Deb: I doubt that, Sunshine. Gay kids are everywhere.Only they're not all like you...'cause they're afraid toshow their faces. That's why maybe...you've got to dosomething to help them know that...they're not the onlyones. (At the diner, Michael and Davidare eating and talking) David: I didn't cash your checks because I don't needyour money. Michael: But I need to give it to you. David: Michael, you know, of course, that half themonthly expenses aren't really three hundred dollars. Michael: Of course I know. I-I'm sure whatever it is, Icouldn't afford it, but that's not the point... that Iwant to contribute as much as I can. David: And you do. You do. You give me something muchmore valuable than money. You give me your sweetness,your charm, your humor, your hot little bod. What's paying half the gasand electric compared to that, Michael? Michael: I'm not some boytoy you're keeping. David: I've never thought of you as my boytoy. Don'tinsult me. (the check comes and Michael grabs it) Michael: I'll take that. David: Okay. Okay, whatever will make you happy. Whateveryou want. Michael: What will make me happy is if you'll...take mymoney and you stop paying for everything. David: Fine, from now on we'll only do things that we canboth afford to do. Together. (Michael gets up to go pay for the food. David followshim) David: There's only one thing. Michael: What's that? David: Don't get mad. It was supposed to be a surprise,but you know the the week that you have off from work? Icleared it for me too and I popped for...a trip to Paris.First class. Suite at the hotel " Georges V ."Reservations at all the finest restaurants. Michael: Wow, that...that sounds fantastic. David: (shaking his head) I know. Michael: But-- David: No, I know. I know. It was the wrong thing to do.I'll, uh, cancel it tomorrow. And we'll just stay home,watch a movie. Or two. Eat in. And that can still be fun. (David walks away as Michael stands there, lookingdumbfounded) (Lindsay's house. Mel, Brian, Tedand Emmett are all waiting on the front porch as Melrings the doorbell. Lindsay answers) Brian: Hi, Lindsay. Hope you don't mind us all droppingby like this. Lindsay: Acutally, you could have called. Mel: We did and got your message. (they all start walking in, Gus fussing in thebackground. Lindsay shuts the door as Gui walks in,holding Gus) Gui: (to Gus) Look who's here. (he sees everyone) Ah.Look who else is here. Lindsay: This is Guillaume. (to Gui) I believe you've metMelanie. Gui: Oui . Melanie. Comment ca va? Uh, how are you? Mel: Uh, ca va . Just fine. Lindsay: This is Brian, Gus' biological father. Gui: Ah, oui . (Brian takes Gus from him) Be assured, myfriend. There is no need to worry about Gus now that I amhere. Brian: Mmm, I wasn't worried when you weren't... mon ami. Lindsay: And this is Ted and Emmett. Emmett: Bonjour . Ted: Bonsoir . Gui: Enchante . Lindsay: We were just in the middle of dinner so if youdon't mind. Gui: Uh, if-if you would like, your friends may join us.There's enough rabbit for everyone. Emmett: Rabbit? Gui: Yes, I made a, uh, stew. Emmett: With-with rabbit? Bunny rabbit? Ted: They say it tastes just like chicken. Gui: Please, uh, come try some. (Mel looks at them) Ted: Well, maybe just a...little taste. (he starts following Gui to the dining room as Brian hitshim on the arm) Emmett: (to Mel) I'm-I'm a little hungry, so... (he joinsTed and Gui in the dining room) Mel: (to Lindsay) What's going on? Brian: Yeah, who is this guy? Mel: What's he doin' in our house? Lindsay: Excuse me, I don't appreciate you barging inhere and interrogating me. Mel: Whoa, who's interrogating who? Brian: We're just asking. Lindsay: Guillaume teaches French at the university.We've been friends for a couple of years. Mel: Yeah, well, how come you never mentioned him? Lindsay: I did. You just never listened. (Mel scoffs)Anyway, he needed some help, and so did I. So, I said hecould move in. Mel: So why didn't you tell us? Lindsay: We haven't exactly been communicating lately. Emmett: Oh my god! This is fabulous! Ted: Magnifique ! That's the best rabbit I ever had. Theonly rabbit I've ever had. (They laugh and look at Brian and Mel, who is juststaring at them. They shut up) Lindsay: Well, he's a...fantastic cook. And he'swonderful with the baby. Gus took to him immediately. AndI can't tell you what a relief it is having him help withthe mortgage. Mel: Sounds like the perfect arrangement. Brian: So how long is he staying? Lindsay: That all depends. Mel: Until he finds a place of his own? Emmett: (to Ted) You're not gonna raise rabbits in yourcondo! Lindsay: Until... (laughs nervously) we get married. Brian: What?! (Lindsay chuckles) Mel: Are you f*cking nuts? Lindsay: Don't get so excited. It's just an arrangement.I can get some help. He can stay in the country and gethis green card. Gui: Alors , I must insist that you come eat tout desuite or else it gets cold. (Lindsay walks into the kitchen as Mel and Brian look ateach other) (Woody's. Mel, Brian, Ted andEmmett are all there) Mel: The way he insinuated himself. Emmett: Right, like-like it was his house. Ted: That he belongs there. Mel: (to Brian) Like you and I were like a couple ofstrangers. I need a cigarette, bad. (Brian hands her apack) This is all my fault. If it weren't for me, none ofthis would be happening. Brian: Aww, Melanie the Martyr. Do you want me to set youon fire? (he lights a lighter) Mel: Asshole, just give me a light. (she grabs his armand puts the lighter to her cigarette, Brian moving itall around) You know, if she goes through with this, he'sgoing to have to live there for at least a couple ofyears. Ted: By then, Gus will be smoking Gauloises and...notwearing deodorant. (Brian laughs) Mel: And she'll have moved on with her life. There's noway we'll ever get back together. Emmett: If only she knew how much trouble she could getinto. Well, you know, it's Lindsay... probably wouldn'tcare. She's always lookin' out for the welfare of others. Mel: The generous one. And there's me, the selfish one.(Brian nods) I wanted a f*ck and boy did I get f*cked. (Brian spots a guy walking by, giving him the look) Brian: (while looking at the guy) There's nothing wrongwith getting your needs met. Ted: That's no surprise coming from you. It's yourmanifesto. Brian: Well, it could be everyone's if they were honestenough to admit it. (to Mel) Stop blaming yourself. It's boring. And you don't deserve it. (Mel smiles) (Justin comes up beside Brian) Justin: Hey. Brian: Hey. (Justin walks to the other side of Mel) Isn't it a school night? Shouldn't you be at Deb's studying? Justin: I got suspended. Mel: You? Justin: For two days. I saw this student getting bashed and my homophobic teacher wouldn't do anything about it.So I told him to f*ck off. (everyone laughs) Brian: Go to the head of the class. Ted: That brings back memories. Getting the sh1t kicked out of you on the playground. Emmett: Hmm. Having lit matches thrown at you in the locker room. Good times. Ted: Yeah. (Mel and Justin laugh. Brian, Ted and Emmett all clink their beer bottles together) Ted: (to Brian) I don't suppose anything like that ever happened to you? Brian: Mm. Well, once this straight football jock picked me up and dumped my head in the toilet. Justin: What did you do? Brian: I followed him to his locker. It was open, his hand was up, kind of like this (mimics the hand placement) . He was laughing, so I slammed the door so hard it broke three of his fingers. (Emmett and Ted groan) Brian: And that was the end of the season for him. (Justin looks away) [SCENE_BREAK] (Brian's loft. Brian and Justin are both naked, playing around on the bed, getting ready for some action) Brian: A gay/straight what? Justin: Student alliance. Brian: What the f*ck is that? Justin: It's a club. A forum where students discussissues, plan events. You know, to promote understanding. Brian: I'm asleep already. Justin: I need your expertise. Brian: I think I've given you plenty. Justin: (partially sitting up) Your business expertese.It's a tough sell, especially at St. James. So say Ibrought this concept to you at your office. How would youmarket it? Brian: It's one thirty in the morning, and I'm horny ashell. Justin: (whispers) Please? Brian: (sighs) Okay. (He rolls over) You're the client.Have a seat Mr. Taylor. (Justin sits up, Brian startslaughing) Justin: (playfully kicking Brian's arm) What's so funny? Brian: (getting up) Well, this is just how I imagine allmy clients. I picture them naked. I can't believe I'mdoing this. Okay! (starts walking around) So you havethis concept. They "Gay-Straight StudentAlliance." Let's all live together. Power to thepeople. Peace. That's boring as sh1t. Justin: I could take out an uzi and shoot everyone. Thatwould be exciting. Brian: Well, at least you'd get their attention. Now, wehave to figure out a way to sell it. Justin: Right. How? Brian: Same way you sell everything else. (Brian sitsnext to Justin on the bed, holding out a condom) s*x. Justin: s*x? Brian: You wanna get 'em in the tent, hand out these. Justin: (holding it) Condoms? Brian: You said it was an alliance. What better way foreveryone to come together? (he grabs a handful and dumpsthem on Justin's head. Justin grabs one and throws itback at Brian. They start making out) (The diner. Michael, Ted andEmmett are sitting at a table, eating breakfast) Ted: He wants to take you to Paris? Emmett: Honey, you're the luckiest boy in the world! Passme the syrup. I love Paris! Ted: You've never been to Paris. (to waitress) Thank you. Emmett: Well, I know I'll love it when I get there. Ted: So, when are you leaving? Michael: We're not. Ted: Excusez-moi ? Michael: I don't have the money for that kind of a trip. Emmett: Course you don't. But David does. Micahel: I told him I couldn't let him pay for me. Emmett: Are you completely mad? Of course you can. Michael: David and I have an arrangement. We only dothings that we can both afford. Ted: Au Revoir, Paris. Bonjour, Pittsburgh. Michael: All right, so I won't get to see the Seine atsunset or-or stroll through the Luxembourgh Gardens orany of the other wonderful stuff he had planned, but atleast-- Emmett: You'll have your pride? Ted: Oh, I hear it's what everyone is wearing in Paristhis year. Michael: David already takes me to dinner, and he buysthe groceries. He pays all the house expenses. Emmett: Where do I sign up? Michael: It's not right. Ted: But if he wants to do it. Michael: That's what he says. He says it makes him happy. Emmett: Then stop being so goddamn selfish. Michael: Selfish? Emmett: I think it's selfish to deny your lover pleasure. Ted: Listen to me, Michael. Money is my business. I'veseen it destroy more relationships than s*x, okay? Now,you think you're being fair to David with this falsepride thing of yours, but it will only cause resentmentand frustration, and frankly...you're denying yourself the opportunity to goplaces that you could never go. Do things you could neverdo. Emmett: It's like what Barbra said so eloquently in"Hello Dolly." Even though she was years tooyoung for the part. (in a fake accent, motioning with hishands) "Money is like manure. It isn't worth a thingunless you spread it around, encouraging things to grow."You know what I mean? (Michael smiles.) (to Ted) Kiss me,Horace. (Ted starts laughing, Michael looking thoughtful) (St. James Academy. The bellrings as we see Daphne and Justin standing in the hall, abox of condoms with "Gay-Straight StudentAlliance" written on the side, Justin's holding it) Justin: (to guys walking by) There's a meeting afterschool for the Gay-Straight Student Alliance. (they justwalk by as he holds out a flyer. to some more peoplewalking by) Uh, uh, after school there's a meeting,Gay-Straight Student Alliance. (to a boy and girl walkingby) Hey, you want a free condom? Girl: Yeah. Justin: Here, you gotta take one of these. (holds out aflyer) Guy: Cool. Justin: Here. Girl: Okay, catch ya later. Justin: Sure. Daphne: Um, there's a meeting after school. Please take afree condom and a flyer. (to Justin) Brian knows whathe's talking about. Justin: Yeah, he's brilliant. Daphne: And hot! Guy #2: Can I have a condom? Justin: Sure. (he turns and finds Chris standing behindhim) Chris: Hey, Taylor. (taking a handful of condoms anddropping them on the ground) You starting a faggot club?(Daphne goes down to pick them up) Justin: It's for gay students and straight students. Daphne: To promote tolerance and understanding. Chris: So now butt-fucking is an extracurricularactivity? Justin: No. Just hand-jobs. (Chris grabs Justin by his coat and slams him against thewall, flashing back to the hand-job Justin gave himearlier that year) Chris: (Justin smiling) You better never mention thatagain, you little cocksucker. (He let's Justin go and starts walking down the hall.) (Lindsay and Brian are walkingthrough a park, talking, as Lindsay pushes the strollerwith Gus in it) Lindsay: I admit, it's a little crazy. Brian: Crazy? You know, if this is about money, I toldyou I'd help you out. Lindsay: And you have. But I gotta start taking care ofmyself. I can't keep relying on you and Melanie. Brian: Okay. But do you have to f*cking marry him? Lindsay: But it's not a real marriage. It's just anarrangement. Brian: Well, he should arrange something else. Lindsay: If he was straight, he could meet someone, fallin love and get married. But because he's gay, there's noway and that's not fair. (they stop at a bench and sit down) Brian: Well, listen to the righteous indignation. Kindasounds like the Lindsay I used to know. Lindsay: Oh, yeah, which Lindsay is that? Brian: The last year in college when you turned into thatscary political dyke. Lindsay: Oh, her. The one who started the petition tomake date rape punishable by castration. I even got youto sign. Brian: Yeah, well, you always were one for a worth cause.Listen, Mel and I have been thinking-- Lindsay: Wait a minute. Did I just hear you say...Mel andI? Did you actually say that? Years I have stuggled toget 'Mel and you' to be civil to each other, even be inthe same room together. Now all of the sudden 'Mel andyou' are allies? Huh! (Brian looks away and Lindsay getsup) Well, I don't have time to worry about what myselfish, self-centered, narcassistic friends think. Ihave to think about my son and how I'm gonna raise andsupport him. I have to think about what's best for him.So I think you should just f*ck off! I'm sure that's athought you can understand. (She leaves with Gus, as Brian sits on the bench) (St. James Academy. TheGay-Straight Student Alliance meets in Mr. Dickson'sclassroom. Daphne and Justin are up front getting readyas kids are talking to each other while sitting on thedesks) Daphne: I thought a lot more people would come, didn'tyou? I mean, considering all the condoms we handed out. Justin: Yeah. I guess they couldn't wait to use them.(they laugh as Deb walks in with a tray of food) Deb: Hey! Not a bad turnout, huh? Justin: Deb! What are you doing here? Deb: Well, I thought you could use some cookies and moralsupport. (to classroom) Here you go kids, huh? (she putsthe tray on a desk) Enjoy yourselves. (Justin hides hisface with his hand as Daphne starts giggling) Home baked.(she chuckles. The kids start passing the tray around. toJustin:) My great-aunt Faye, who was in Burlesque, saidyou should never go on in front of a hungry audience.(her and Justin chuckle) Justin: (to Daphne) Well, I guess we should get started,huh? Deb: Well... (she kisses him on the cheek) Good luck,Sunshine. (she wipes off the lipstick she left on hischeek) You too, Daphne. Knock 'em dead. Justin: (clears throat) Could we have your attention,please? (they ignore him so Debbie makes a loud whistle,getting everyone's attention) Deb: Thank you. (she goes to the back of the class) Daphne: Hi. Um, I'm Daphne. (reading from some cards)Welcome to the first meeting of the St. JamesGay-Straight Student Alliance. In the upcoming weeks wewill be discussing issues that affect all of us here atSt. James-- Guy: Isn't this supposed to be about s*x? (everyone agrees) Justin: s*x is part of it. But it's also about otherthings. Like how we see ourselves and each other. Girl: (laughs) f*ck this. Let's go. (they all start getting up to leave) Justin: Faggot! Cocksucker! Homo! Fudge-packer! Those area few of the names that I have been called... because I'mgay. I've also been told that I'm going to hell and thatI should die of AIDS. (they all start to sit back down)Maybe the same thing has happened to you. That is whywe're here. To see if we can learn to accept ourdifferences and recognize our similarities. Because gayor straight we all want the same things. Mr. Dickson: All right, Taylor. That's enough. Justin: We're-we're just having a meeting. Mr. Dickson: Did you get permission from the principal?Did you ask to use this classroom? Do you have anadvisor? Deb: (standing up) He's got me. Mr. Dickson: And who are you? Deb: Debbie Novotny. Who are you? Mr. Dickson: I'm a member of the faculty. Deb: Then you'll be happy to know that we're having alittle educational program here. So why don't you sitdown. You might learn something. Mr. Dickson: (holding a condom) Is this a part of yourcurriculum? Deb: You bet your ass it is. Mr. Dickson: Now all of you, on your way, this meeting isover. Come on, let's go! (they all start leaving) Kid: Hey, nice try man. Yeah. Girl: See ya, Justin. Guy #2: See ya, man. Girl #2: Try again, Daphne. (Mr. Dickson starts to leave but turns around and looksat Justin. When he does go, Chris and his friend arestanding outside the classroom, smiling smugly. Daphnesighs) Justin: f*ck. (Michael is in bed reading up onParis when David walks in) David: Man, it's been a long week. (Michael hides thebrochure) I am really looking forward to taking some timeoff. Got a patient at seven-thirty. (he turns off thelight and looks at Michael) Good night. (He gets under the covers, facing away from Michael. Theylay in silence for a little bit) Michael: David? David: Yes? Michael: Do you think I'm selfish? David: You? What kind of a question is that? Michael: I mean about...n-not taking you up on yourgenerosity, like-like going on this trip. David: Michael... (turns around so he's facing Michael) Ialready told you. All I wanna do is make you happy. Michael: Yeah, but what about you? (whispering) Whatwould- what would make you happy? David: What would make me happy? Seeing you see Paris forthe first time...sailing down the... Seine on abateau-mouche, having the best meal of our lives at..."The Grand Vefour " or, uh, "AlainDucasse." Seeing your eyes light up when you findsome neat little toy at a flea market. That would make mehappy. (Michael starts rubbing David's shoulder) Thatwould make me very happy. Michael: I want you to be happy. David: Are you saying you want to go? Michael: Well, since you already went ahead and make theplans and everything. David: Don't do me any favors. Michael: (shakes head) No, just promise me you'll let mepay for something every once in a while. David: I'll let you pay for the baguettes. (they smileand David kisses Michael's shoulder) What do you say wepractice our French? (They start kissing. David then proceeds to move southand gives Michael a blow-job) (Lindsay and Gui are looking at awhole table full of pictures of them and Gus, picking outthe ones they like best) Gui: This is a good one. Lindsay: Mm, I like this one, too. (they laugh) Gui: Oui. We do make a handsome family. Yeah? Lindsay: Mm-hmm. Gui: We should put this one in a frame... (grabs a frame)instead of that one. (The picture in the frame is of Brian feeding Gus) Gui: Brian. Very beautiful. Lindsay: Lots of guys would agree with you. Gui: Especially his lips. They're quite kissable, yes?(smiling) Lindsay: (taking the frame) No. Gui: Oh, la la, you needn't worry. I can tell he doesn'tlike me. And neither does Melanie or your otherfriends... Lindsay: It's not you they don't like. It's what we'redoing. But it's not their decision. Gui: Well, you are a wonderful person, Lindsay. (shemakes a face) No, no, no, it's true. If it weren't foryou, I'd have to leave the states. Now I'll be able tostay. (the doorbell rings and Gui gets up to answer it. Youhear the door open, then close as Gui walks back in) Gui: Cherie, c'est Melanie. (Mel walks in) Uh, Gus shouldbe up from his nap. I'll go check. (He goes up the stairs as Mel joins Lindsay in the livingroom) Mel: I guess if Gus likes him, he must be okay. Gus knowsthe difference between who's an asshole and who's not,right? Lindsay: Right. Mel: (looking at the pictures) What are these? Lindsay: Oh, just some photographs. It's important tocreate a history in case immigration ever decides to paya visit. Mel: Oh, jesus. (sits on the arm of the couch) I can'tbelieve you're going through with this-this... Lindsay: What? Mel: Charade. And for who? Somebody you don't even know. Lindsay: I told you, he's a friend. Mel: I don't care who he is. It's the most meshugueh ideaI ever heard of. I guarantee you if I had been here-- Lindsay: Well, you're not. You're not here. Mel: I wish I was. (she sits by Lindsay) I miss you,Linds. Lindsay: You're just saying that because of Guillaume. Mel: (giggles) No, I'm not. (touches Lindsay's hair) Imiss you every minute of every day. And if I could missyou more than that, I would. Lindsay: You think I don't miss you? Mel: (looks away) Then why aren't I here? I mean, whyaren't we raising our son together? It doesn't makesense. Lindsay: Well, it did at the time. I mean, all the thingsyou said...that I didn't give you enough affection...that I was only concerned about getting my own needs met. Mel: I was wrong. It was me. I became...jealous andresentful and...I demanded way too much. Lindsay: You were hurt. Mel: So were you. Lindsay: Yeah. Well...I guess we're only-- Mel: Human? (they both laugh) Lindsay: Yeah. Gui: Pardon ? Uh, do you want to give Gus his lunch orshould I? Lindsay: I'll do it. (Lindsay and Mel stand up. Lindsay leaves to go upstairs.Mel and Gui are left, just looking at each other) (At David and Michael's place.Brian, Michael, Justin, Ted and Emmett are all there. Theshot we see is through a video camera, Michael beingbehind it) Michael: Okay, everybody wave. Come on, put somethinginto it. (Emmett and Ted wave) Oh, you can do better thanthat. Emmett: Who do you think we are, Matt Damon and BenAffleck? Ted: I wish. Michael: Now you guys can see us running all over thestreets of Paris and it'll be just like you're there withus. Brian: Oh, I can hardly wait. (Justin's looking at the camera) Justin: That camera is the most expensive model. My dadhas one like it. Let me have it. (he gets behind it asMichael steps in front of it) Michael: All right! Yeah, it not only shoots the movie,it-it makes popcorn to go with it. (Justin and Michaellaugh) Brian: I guess you didn't get it at the Big Q. Michael: David likes to go for the high end. Ted: That must keep you on your toes. Emmett: Hey, is that jacket new? Justin: Snazzy, Michael. Brian: (he looks at the tag) Boss. Not bad. Michael: Well, I had to have something to wear. Ted: Check out this luggage. Emmett: (playing) Ahh! It's even got his initals on it! Justin: Oh my god. Michael: It does not! Emmett: My, my. Certianly going in style, aren't we? Michael: (poking Emmett) You told me I shouldn't deny himthe pleasure. Ted: Oh, he must be delirious. Michael: Look, I offered to help pay but he wouldn't letme. Brian: Hmm, don't worry, Mikey. You'll pay. One way...oranother. Let's go to Woody's. Justin: Okay. Emmett: Bye, baby. Justin: Bye, Michael. Ted: See ya. (Justin turns the camera off, giving it to Michael) Justin: You want my advice? Hold out for a Rolex. (Michael, all alone, sits down and looks around) (Liberty Avenue, right outside ofWoody's. The gang, minus Michael, are heading to saidestablishment. Someone says something inaudiable) Emmett: Of course it did! Brian: f*ck! Justin: What did? The other ball? Brian: No. Your face. Justin: The other ball...Wait (Justin's about to goinside when he sees Chris Hobbs and a group of Chris'friends on the street) Justin: sh1t! (he grabs Brian) Brian: What? Justin: It's Chris Hobbs. Brian: Who's that? Justin: That asshole from school I told you about. Brian: Oh. (laughs) You didn't tell me he was so hot. (hestarts to go inside but Justin pulls him back) Justin: He has no right to be here. Brian: Well, forget him. Let's go. Justin: No. (He goes in front of Chris, stopping him) Chris: Hey, Taylor. Justin: What are you doing here? Chris: Checkin' out the freaks. Like you. (Brian comes down and stands beside Justin) Justin: Down here you're the freak. Chris: (pushing Justin) Out of the way, faggot. (Brian steps forward, ready to beat his ass) Justin: Hey! (Justin pulls him away. He steps back up toChris and gets in his face) Justin: Hey! Hey! You guys see him? (Chris' friends areall telling him to hit Justin, etc) We go to schooltogether. His name is Chris Hobbs. He just called me afaggot. (people on the street "ooh" and"aww") You see, Chris doesn't like faggots. Chris: Shut up, Taylor. Justin: Or maybe he likes them more than he thinks. Chris: I said shut up! Justin: He let me jerk him off! (crowd starts laughing)The faggot gave Chris Hobbs a hand-job! (more cheering)He loved it. Chris: You are f*cked! (Brian steps in again as Chris runs off) Ted: I can't believe you did that. Emmett: You go, baby. (kisses him on the side of thehead. Justin smiles. He looks over at Brian) Brian: Congratulations. Justin: What? Brian: You just made yourself a real enemy. (Brian goes inside. Justin stands there, Ted and Emmettwaiting for him on the steps. He finally goes in withthem)

Plan: A: Dr. David; Q: Who does Michael disagree with about finances? A: Frenchman; Q: What nationality is the strange man who moves in with Lindsay and Gus? A: a stir; Q: What does the Frenchman's arrival cause? A: school; Q: What is Justin suspended from? Summary: Michael and Dr. David disagree about finances; a strange Frenchman moves in with Lindsay and Gus causing a stir; Justin is suspended from school.

At the Dot Marco: We must have done something awful in our past lives to deserve this hell. Paige: Oh just wait until university. According to Dylan, it only gets harder. He said McGill's tough. Marco: Dylan? How is the Satan child anyway? Ellie: Question: Who's still bitter over last year? Answer: Oh Marco Del Rossi. Marco: Stop. I am so over that guy. I've already forgotten who we're talking about. Alex: Great. So then let's talk about stalker boy, Tim. Your lovesick shadow. (They see Tim walking into the Dot.) Marco: Guys can you be nice? You know we've been sort of seeing each other. Ellie: Emphasis on the sorta. You guys haven't even been on a date yet. Tim: Hey you guys. Wow it looks like a brain bomb went off in here. Marco: Yeah. Well studying for exams is killer, but you are welcome to join the carnage if you dare. Tim: Super. First round of caffeine's on me. Paige: Oh I'm out. My ride just showed up. (Marco sees Dylan through the window.) Marco: He's in town?! Paige why didn't you tell me? Dylan: Hey Marco. Marco: Hey. Hi. Uh what are you doing here? Dylan: May I? Marco: Uh actually this seat's saved for someone. (Tim walks back over.) Marco: My boyfriend Tim. Tim meet my ex, Dylan. He was, he was just leaving. Dylan: Later Marco. (Dylan leaves and Marco watches him through the window.) During the grade 12 science final Mr. Ellis: Okay people. No talking. No cell phones. No bathroom breaks until you're done. Okay flip 'em and have fun. In the library Liberty: So igneous rocks are pure, whereas sedimentary rocks are made of other forms of rocks. See? Danny: Why do I care? Liberty: Because if you fail, dad will send you to summer school...again. Derek, metamorphic rocks? Derek: Are rocks that have been transformed with heat and pressure. Liberty: Somebody's been listening to me. Danny: Somebody's a bigger nerd than you. (Danny gets up and leaves.) Derek: That's his way of saying we'd be flunking out right now if it weren't for you. Liberty: Well I do aim to please. Derek: We still studying tonight? Maybe we can order pizza and talk. In the cafeteria Ellie: If I fail, which I did, I'll be stuck at Degrassi forever. Paige: Then it's settled. Tonight we need to have some fun. Marco: What? We have an English exam tomorrow! Paige: Which you studied for non-stop for weeks. If you don't relax and have some fun you're going to crack Marco. So who's with me? (Alex, Ellie and Marco put up their hands.) Paige: Nice. There's this place, The Other Team. It's a gay club so we don't have to worry about getting hit on. Alex: Great. Ellie: Yeah great. Paige: So are you gonna ask Tim to come? Marco: I don't know. Do I really want to be his first serious boyfriend? I mean I start university in the fall and- Paige: And Dylan's back in town. He's single, has been for a while and he knows he screwed up. Marco: Paige when I say Dylan broke my heart, I mean that he took it, froze it, he then dropped it from the CN Tower and ripped it to shreds, okay?! Paige: Okay. All I'm saying, if you're so ready to move on, then why aren't you doing it? At Liberty's house Mrs. Van Zandt: Liberty? Can we talk to you? Liberty: Uh this is exactly why I put the schedule on the fridge. Home by 5, chemistry until 7, tutoring until 8. Mr. Van Zandt: It's important. Liberty: More important that Mr. Ellis' chem. exam? Yeah I doubt that. Mr. Van Zandt: The adoptive parents phoned today. Mrs. Van Zandt: They're moving to Seattle. Liberty: But no, that's impossible. We have an open adoption. Mr. Van Zandt: Well legally the baby is theirs. They have the right to move. Liberty: And my rights? Oh yeah, I gave those up. Mrs. Van Zandt: They asked if you'd like to see him once more before they leave. Mr. Van Zandt: To say goodbye. Liberty: I said goodbye when I gave him up. Outside the club Hazel: I cant believe I'm standing in line for something other than library books. Paige: I can't believe my brain is working well enough for me to even be speaking English. Tim: Hey! This is really exciting. I mean I've never been to a gay club before. Have you? Marco: Uh hey. Yeah. Uh yeah I came here once with...uh hey look the line's moving. Let's- Tim: Okay. At Liberty's house Liberty: So Upper Canada because it's up the St. Lawrence river. Lower Quebec because it's at the end. (The doorbell rings.) Danny: Alright! Pizza! You each owe me 8 bucks. Liberty: So that's history. What next, biology? Derek: Can I ask you something personal? Liberty: Sure. I'm all ears. Derek: It's about your baby. Did you ever consider keeping him? Like when you held him? Was it hard to let him go? Liberty: Get out. Derek: I'm sorry. I'm adopted. It's just something I always wondered. Liberty: Get out! I mean it! I don't care if you were adopted, dropped by a stork, or abducted by aliens! Get out! (Derek leaves and Danny walks back in the room confused.) Back at the club Marco: Hey. Okay so you were busy telling me how much you live for the Oscars. Tim: I live and die for them. Marco: Oh me too! So quiz me. Tim: Okay um best supporting actress 1994? Marco: Um, uh...Oh! Dianne Wiest, Bullets Over Broadway. Tim: Despite Uma Thurman's outstanding performance in Pulp Fiction. Marco: Performance in Pulp Fiction, I know! (Marco sees Dylan dancing and stops.) Marco: Hey Tim I'm gonna be right back, okay? Tim: Okay. (Marco walks over to Dylan.) Marco: What are you doing here? Did Paige put you up to this? Dylan: No I did. (Marco starts to walk away, but Dylan stops him.) Dylan: Just hear me out! I miss us. I miss you. You're cute, you're smart and you're funny and I made a huge mistake. Marco: Yeah you did a mistake Dylan! Tonight, coming here. I'm with Tim now. He's my boyfriend. Tim: Um sorry for interrupting, but I was just gonna go get some more water and... (Marco kisses Tim, Tim smiles and Dylan gives an angry look before walking away.) Outside, Marco and Ellie are walking Ellie: Okay so Jane Eyre, which I finished reading an hour ago, don't get it. Marco: Okay think of it this way. I'm Rochester. Ellie: Of course. Marco: Yeah. Tim is Jane Eyre. You know 'cause he's simple, sweet and uncomplicated and Dylan is crazy Bertha locked away in the attic. (Ellie doesn't say anything.) Marco: Okay it's about moving on and putting the past behind you, with the right people. Just think of it like salvation. (Marco's palm pilot beeps.) Marco: Hold up. It must be another e-mail from Tim. Ellie: Okay that thing is one step away from you becoming an android. Marco: It's from Dylan. At Paige and Dylan's house Marco: We are through! Over! So don't send me stupid little e-mails! Dylan: You came all the way to my place to tell me not to e-mail you? Marco: Right. Dylan: This is so not over. Not even close. Marco: Why now? Huh? What is with this stalker routine? What you just happen to be home for the summer?! Dylan: You don't get it. I'm home for the summer because of you. I still love you Marco. Marco: Don't! Don't call me, don't text me, don't e-mail me, don't even think about me. Leave me alone. During Mr. Ellis' science final Mr. Ellis: Alright guys. Time's up. Pass them in. JT: I didn't even finish the exam. How did you get it done so quickly? Liberty: Maybe 'cause I never started. (Liberty hands in a blank test and Mr. Ellis looks at it disappointed.) In the cafeteria, Tim is holding a little present Marco: Hey. Tim: Hi. So I know you only have one more exam left and I should have given this to you before, but- (Marco opens the present and sees a four leaf clover.) Marco: Oh wow. Thanks. Good luck never goes out of style. During the English final (Marco looks at the 4 leaf clover after he finishes.) Ms. Kwan: Time's up everyone. Hand them in and congrats. Exams are done. Ellie: I'm so tired. I think I might have answered the second essay question with White Stripes lyrics. (Marco laughs and Ellie hands her test in.) Paige: What do you say to a little Ryan Reynolds movie fiesta tonight? Marco: Oh yes! I am so in. Oh, but Tim. I kind of promised him a date. Paige: Oh um. Well bring him. We'll give him a good going over. Make sure he's good enough for our Marco. Marco: And uh the Satan child? Paige: Hockey practice. So? Marco: So I'll bring the chips. Paige: Good. See ya. Marco: Cool. At Liberty's house Liberty: It was one stupid exam Mr. Van Zandt: Worth 30% of your grade. Liberty: So? Mr. Van Zandt: You don't care? I don't understand you. This isn't the girl I know. Mrs. Van Zandt: Harold stop. Danny: Derek and I are supposed to be studying here tonight dad and you're supposed to be at a play, remember? Mr. Van Zandt: Mm hmm. This isn't over. We won't be late. (Their parents leave.) Danny: I appreciate you being the demon seed and taking the heat off me, but I have a reputation to uphold. Female anatomy 101. (Danny pulls out a p0rn video and Liberty grabs the whiskey bottle.) Liberty: To Albert Einstein. (She takes a swig and coughs as Danny and Derek watch surprised.) Liberty: Dad doesn't know who I am anymore, so let's really mess with his mind. [SCENE_BREAK] At Paige's house Paige: Okay um don't freak. Dylan promised he'd be out of here by now. Marco: What? Paige! Paige: It's no big deal. We'll be watching in the basement anyways. Come on. Everyone's downstairs. Dylan: Antwon before you go man. Check out my tattoo. (Dylan takes off his shirt showing off his huge tattoo on his back.) Antwon: Dude! (Marco stops and stares at Dylan.) Tim: Um Marco what about the Ryan Reynolds move fiesta that you promised? Marco: Yeah. Yeah let's go. Tim: Cool. Dylan: Hockey practice is cancelled. Why don't you guys join me for a little poker? Texas Holdem? Marco: No thanks. I think we're gonna pass on that one. Dylan: I figure you'd wimp out. Marco: Excuse me? Dylan: Come on Marco. Who are you kidding? You're always playing it safe. You're way too chicken to gamble. Marco: Really? What's the buy in? (Paige goes downstairs and Marco and Tim stay upstairs.) At Liberty's house Liberty: And here's to dressing me in overalls 'til grade 9. Derek: Um you might want to pace yourself Liberty: Yeah well I think that you think...that I think that you think... Danny: Attention software glitch. Derek: I think you've had enough. (They start fighting over the bottle.) Liberty: Let go! Let go! (The bottle smashes against the mirror.) Liberty: Oh no. No. No. No. Mom and dad are gonna kill me. I'm stupid, useless, messed up. Danny: Liberty it's a mirror. Your face didn't break it this time so why so upset? Liberty: Because my baby is gone. He's gone across the country and I abandoned him. Derek: I never got to meet my birth mother. I'm not sure I ever will. She couldn't take care of me, so she made sure I ended up in family that could. I know it was hard for her to do. Liberty: How do you know that's what happened? Derek: She told me. I mean in a letter. She gave me a sort of treasure chest. At Paige's house Dylan: I see your 2 and I raise 4. Marco: See you back. (Tim is organizing Marco's chips so Marco tosses in the wrong amount.) Dylan: By raising ten? Marco: Tim! Tim: I'm sorry. They were all messy. (Marco goes to switch the chip, but Dylan stops him.) Dylan: Bet's on the table. (Dylan flips the last card and puts all his chips in.) Dylan: All in. Tim: Marco maybe you should fold. (Marco puts all his chips in.) Dylan: You sure you want to do that Del Rossi? Pretty reckless. Marco: That's what being reckless is all about my friend. Just doing, not thinking. Hurting whoever you want in the process. (Dylan throws all the chips and cards.) Dylan: What the hell is your problem? What do you want? Marco: I want to know why you hurt me! How you, how you could just hurt me like that Dylan! Dylan: I...I don't know, but I've apologized and I've tried to make things better. So I'm not gonna keep beating myself up just because you're stuck. Marco: Oh I'm not stuck! Dylan: You are. Date Tim. Play it safe. Date a bunch of guys. That doesn't change the fact that everything comes down to you and me. Everything. Outside, Marco and Tim are walking down the street Tim: Dylan's crazy. I mean what he said was totally out of line. I mean 'cause you know, we're good for each other, right? Marco: Tim you're great. You're perfect actually and I'm...hey look I'm really proud of all the steps you've taken this year. Tim: Well it's all because of you and I'm thinking that you know you're gonna be away next year, but- Marco: Tim Tim: -I'll come visit and I got a bus schedule and I mapped out some times. Marco: Tim! I, I wanted to move on. You and I, we connected, but I still- Tim: Marco I get how difficult these things can be and how much Dylan meant to you. Marco: That's exactly the point. Tim he still does. Tim: You used me. Marco: No. No. No I wouldn't do that. I'm really sorry. Tim: Go back to your stupid, lying, cheating ex, 'cause you know what Marco? You are perfect for him. In a classroom (Liberty is putting a bunch of items in a chest.) Derek: So you're both grounded for a month? Danny: And I didn't even get to see Liberty puke her guts out. Liberty: Just what every kid needs to know. The inner workings of Degrassi. (She puts an issue of the Grapevine inside.) Derek: Well it's a part of you, right? JT: Here it is! Issue number 1 of the Crimson Kid. Liberty: Comic book JT? JT: Yeah! Do you have any idea how much that's worth? It's my most valuable possession and I want him to have it. Liberty: Well I'd like it if both of you put something in as well. I want the baby to know he had lots of good people thinking of him. Outside the school, Dylan pulls up Marco: Dylan if you ever hurt me again I... Dylan: I won't. Hey even idiots grow up at some point. I'm a slob, okay? I'm reckless and I'm your exact opposite, but you mean everything to me Marco and I want another chance. Marco: Uh you are such a jerk! Dylan: What?! What, I... (Marco pulls him in and they start kissing.) Scenes for next week Spinner: (To the camera) I'll do anything for Darcy. Anything, but the one thing I can't do is become a virgin again. (Spinner and Darcy are sitting in the movie theatre.) Spinner: When I was with Manny we did nothing together. Darcy: You're serious? Voiceover: Betrayal. (Manny is shown hugging Spinner and Darcy is giving an angry look.) Manny: Oh my gosh Spinner you are my hero. Voiceover: Jealousy. (Manny walks over to Darcy angry and grabs her hair.) Manny: You are the last person to ever call me that! Voiceover: And rage. (Manny and Darcy are shown fighting with each other.)

Plan: A: Marco; Q: Who is interested in a new romance with Tim? A: Dylan; Q: Who comes back into Marco's life? A: their relationship; Q: What does Marco realize might not be over? A: guilt; Q: What is Liberty overcome with? A: the family; Q: What is moving away? Summary: Marco is interested in the prospect of a new romance with Tim, but when Dylan comes back into his life, he realizes their relationship might not be over. Liberty is overcome with guilt over giving up her baby for adoption after finding out the family is moving away.

TERROR of the ZYGONS By ROBERT BANKS-STEWART First transmitted : 20th September, 1975 5:20pm - 5:45pm [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: Mister Benton, prepare to move out. BENTON: Sir. Okay, move it! [SCENE_BREAK] BROTON: The humans will be following our course by their radar. Transmit a jamming signal. ZYGON: Immediately, Commander. DOCTOR: You've been hiding too long, Broton. It's become a habit. BROTON: What do you mean? DOCTOR: I thought the plan was to conquer the world. BROTON: The plan has not changed. DOCTOR: But you can't rule a world in hiding. You've got to come out onto the balcony sometimes and wave a tentacle, if you'll pardon the expression. BROTON: In a few hours there will be no further need of secrecy. Have no doubt, Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: Greyhound Leader to Trap One. Emergency alert to all radar stations. Alien spacecraft heading south from Loch Ness. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER (OOV.): Second, alert Strike Command, but warn them there is to be no attack. I repeat, no attack until further orders. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: Have our aircraft standing by at Inverness for immediate return to London HQ. That is all. Out. SARAH: Brigadier, before leaving, we should search that castle. BRIGADIER: Why? There's nobody there now. SARAH: No, but we might find something that'll tell us where the Zygons have gone. HARRY: Or what they're up to. BRIGADIER: Yes. Worth looking, I suppose. All right, I'll drop you two at the castle. Get in. [SCENE_BREAK] HARRY: I give up, old girl. Come on, let's get back SARAH: No, just a minute, just a minute. HARRY: I don't think you're going to find any scandals. SARAH: No, listen, listen. The Duke is Chieftain of the Antlers Association, Trustee of the Golden Haggis Lucky Dip, whatever that might be, and President of the Scottish Energy Commission. HARRY: Sarah, we're wasting time. SARAH: Agreed. Agreed. [SCENE_BREAK] BROTON: We have a suitable landing zone. Prepare for descent. ZYGON: Reducing dynacon thrust. Dynacon thrust at phase two. BROTON: Initiate descent trajectory. ZYGON: Descending now. BROTON: Complete touchdown procedure. [SCENE_BREAK] BROTON (OOV.): Receive a message from Commander Broton. To avoid detection, all unwanted signals are forbidden. Internal communication will remain on half power. DOCTOR: Half wit. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: Lost contact? BENTON: I'm afraid so, sir, yes. BRIGADIER: What, all of them? BENTON: Okay, thanks. (puts the phone down) They tell us there's a complete black-out all over the country, sir. No radar working anywhere. London seem to think it's some kind of jamming device. BRIGADIER: I see. Well, we'll just have to hope that somebody spots them. All right, carry on Mister Benton. BENTON: Right, sir. BRIGADIER: Ah, Sullivan and Miss Smith. You're only just in time. HARRY: It's a very, very long walk, sir. BRIGADIER: Yes, well, we're heading back to London. Advance party's just left. Did you find anything at the castle? SARAH: No, nothing. HARRY: Any news of the spacecraft, sir? BRIGADIER: It was last reported heading south over Leicestershire, and then they lost it. We've also had a report of a large underwater object travelling south at high speed. SARAH: Guess what. [SCENE_BREAK] BROTON: How far from the target is the Skarasen now? ZYGON: One hundred and fifty two Earth miles. It is approaching the mouth of the estuary. BROTON: That is close enough. Sever contact. The skeletar will bring it to the target from that range. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Social call? BROTON: You admire our technology, human? DOCTOR: Well, I'm not human, and I've seen better. BROTON: Better than this? DOCTOR: Very good, very good. Almost impressive. But why bother? FORGILL: It is necessary to activate a body print every few hours, otherwise the original pattern dies and cannot be used again. DOCTOR: Ah. So you still have a use for the real Duke. FORGILL: One. DOCTOR: Formal occasion? FORGILL: Perhaps. DOCTOR: I gather we've landed. Where are we? FORGILL: You like asking questions. DOCTOR: Well, it's the only way to learn. When does this great operation begin, this conquest of the world? FORGILL: Phase one is already complete. DOCTOR: And what are you going to do with it when you've got it? Isn't it a bit large for just about six of you? FORGILL: Other Zygons are on their way. When our planet was destroyed in a recent catastrophe, a great refugee fleet was assembled. DOCTOR: Hmm. And they're coming here at your invitation. FORGILL: Exactly, Doctor. It will be many centuries before the fleet arrives. In that time, the whole of this Earth must be restructured. DOCTOR: I'll say one thing for you, Broton. You think big. FORGILL: Polar icecaps must go, the mean temperature raised several degrees, thousand of lakes with the right mineral elements constructed. I shall recreate my own planet here on Earth. DOCTOR: Using forced labour. FORGILL: That is my intention. Human labour and Zygon technology. The task is challenging, but not impossible. DOCTOR: You're underestimating human beings, Broton. FORGILL: We shall see. Tomorrow I demonstrate my ultimate power. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: It's been hours now. Not a word from anywhere. BENTON: Oh, don't worry, Miss. Something's bound to happen. I mean, they've got to make a move soon, haven't they. SARAH: It's the Doctor I'm worried about. Could be dead for all we know. BENTON: Oh, come on. If I know the Doctor, he's most likely working out a way to escape right at this minute. SARAH: Oh yes, I know that. It's just not hearing anything. SARAH: Any news? BRIGADIER: Nothing on the spaceship, but we've had another report on that underwater object. It's been sighted off the coast. The Navy are sending some frigates from Chatham. BENTON: UNIT Headquarters. Who? Oh, yes, he's here. Just a moment, please. It's for you, sir. The Prime Minister. BRIGADIER: Lethbridge Stewart speaking. Oh, absolutely understood, madam. No public announcement. Yes, madam. Discreet action. Discreet but resolute. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Right, now for the big question. Is half power lethal? [SCENE_BREAK] FORGILL: A relay must have jammed in the dystelic circuit. ZYGON: No, Commander. The circuit panel is in order. FORGILL: Trace the source, quick. We must stop that transmission. [SCENE_BREAK] BENTON: Sir! I think this is it. [SCENE_BREAK] FORGILL: Whatever he's doing has jammed the door. It is the Doctor! [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: It's the Doctor, I know it is. BENTON: Well, I've checked the triangulations, sir, and I make it about, about here. BRIGADIER: Just beyond Brentford. A disused quarry. We've got them, Mister Benton! BRIGADIER: Right, let's move out. [SCENE_BREAK] FORGILL: Is he dead? ZYGON: Yes, Commander. The power destroyed him. FORGILL: It is well. I underestimated his intelligence, but he underestimated the power of organic crystallography. Come, it is almost time for me to leave. DOCTOR: I'm alive! [SCENE_BREAK] FORGILL: Distance? ZYGON: The Skarasen is fifty Earth miles away, Commander. FORGILL: Excellent. It is time for me to place the activator on the target. Humanity is at our feet. [SCENE_BREAK] DUKE: Who are you? DOCTOR: His Grace the Duke of Forgill, I presume? DUKE: Yes. Where the blazes am I? DOCTOR: On a spaceship. DUKE: Spaceship? [SCENE_BREAK] FORGILL: In two minutes, close down dyastetic transmission and maintain monitor contact. ZYGON: Understood. Commander. FORGILL: Open the escape hatch. When phase two is completed, I shall broadcast my demands to the world. [SCENE_BREAK] LAMONT: What are you doing? DOCTOR: We've got to lure the Zygons out of the control room somehow. This is also a fire sensor. If I can heat it sufficiently DOCTOR: Quick, back into your alcoves! We'll soon see how good their fire drill is. DOCTOR: (quietly) Okay, quick, everybody out. It won't take them long to realise it's a false alarm. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Come along, quick. Break that vacuum mechanism to jam the door.) CABER: This one? DOCTOR: Yes, that one, man. Get on with it. CABER: Is that broken enough? DOCTOR: It's more than enough. DOCTOR: Right, let's see what other damage we can do. Anybody know what this is? DUKE: I haven't the faintest idea. LAMONT: You tell us. DOCTOR: I will. It's a self-destructor, and it works like this. DOCTOR: Right, we've got about sixty seconds before the whole ship blows up. ZYGON (OOV.): Open this door! Open this door! [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: There it is! SARAH: Doctor! DOCTOR: Everyone get down! BRIGADIER: Well. DOCTOR: Was that bang big enough for you, Brigadier? HARRY: Nicely done, Doctor. That's the end of the Zygons, eh? DOCTOR: Not entirely. Broton escaped and he still has control of the monster. He plans to attack some target in London. SARAH: Close to the Thames, huh? DOCTOR: Exactly. And this time it'll be something really spectacular. BRIGADIER: I've just remembered. When I spoke to the PM earlier, she was about to leave for Stanbridge House. And that's on the river. DOCTOR: What's happening there? DUKE: The Fourth International Energy Conference. The place'll be full of VIPs from all over the world. It's a meeting of crucial importance. DOCTOR: Ah. That could be it, Brigadier. BRIGADIER: Yes, but he'd need a pass to get in. The security's very tight. SARAH: But he'll have a pass. The Duke, the real Duke, is President of the Scottish Energy Commission. DUKE: That's right, I am. DOCTOR: Well, come on. Let's get to London. [SCENE_BREAK] BENSON: Tell the Brigadier the monster's been sighted again. It'll be at Stanbridge House in another four minutes. I repeat, another four minutes. Over. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: Three and a half minutes, Doctor, and still no sign of Broton in the conference hall. DOCTOR: Well, he was checked into the building. What's behind the conference hall? BRIGADIER: Catering section and river terrace. DOCTOR: You search there. Sarah and I will take the cellar. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Not much light. SARAH: Maybe somebody should tell the Energy Congress. DOCTOR: Stay there. BROTON (OOV.): I thought you were dead. DOCTOR: Loose thinking, Broton. BROTON (OOV.): This time, I shall make certain. DOCTOR: (to Sarah, sotto) Get the Brigadier. (loud) Broton, your spaceship's been destroyed. This building is surrounded by soldiers. BROTON: I control the Skarasen! I can destroy this planet or become its master. That is the choice I offer your world. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Brigadier! Brigadier! [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: Morton, through the other door! Right, come with me. BROTON: The Skarasen will destroy you all. SARAH: Doctor! DOCTOR: The signal device, quickly. Broton's hidden it in this room somewhere. Brigadier, evacuate the building. The monster will tear the place down to get the device. BRIGADIER: Right. Ferguson, with me. DOCTOR: Quiet, both of you. Listen. I can almost feel it. DOCTOR: The monster must be allowed to destroy it. HARRY: There's nothing I can do for him. SARAH: And as for this one. HARRY: Sarah, I think we've been left behind. SARAH: Harry, you're right. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Here, boy. Fetch it. Fetch it. [SCENE_BREAK] HARRY: He must have gone this way. SARAH: Well, let's hope so. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: It's huge! Where's the signal device? DOCTOR: He's chewing it. SARAH: It's going back under the surface. DOCTOR: He'll go home now he's eaten the device. HARRY: Home? DOCTOR: Loch Ness, Harry. The only home he knows. [SCENE_BREAK] DUKE: Tell me, I imagine the whole business caused quite a stir. BRIGADIER: No, the Cabinet's accepted my report and the whole affair's now completely closed. DUKE: You mean it never happened. BRIGADIER: Well, a fifty foot monster can't swim up the Thames and attack a large building without some people noticing, but you know what politicians are like. DUKE: Yes, quite. By the way, I was coming to meet you people. I could swear I caught a glimpse of the monster in the Loch. SARAH: But you're not sure. DUKE: The sun was in my eyes. Now, where is this contraption of yours? DOCTOR: My contraption, your Grace, is this way. I think. Follow me. Come on. DUKE: That's the TARDIS? DOCTOR: Yes, that's the TARDIS. And I'm going to pilot it all the way to London. I can be there five minutes ago. SARAH: Just a minute, Doctor. I thought you couldn't do that. DOCTOR: Of course I can. Coming? BRIGADIER: No, thank you. HARRY: I think I'll stick to InterCity this time, Doctor. DOCTOR: Sarah? SARAH: Er. DOCTOR: No? SARAH: All right. Providing we do go straight back to London. DOCTOR: Oh yes, we will. I promise. DUKE: Well, I'll be. Do they have return tickets? BRIGADIER: Yes, I imagine so. DUKE: You should have taken them and got your refund, man. I thought you were a Scotsman.

Plan: A: UNIT attempt; Q: Who is trying to track down the Zygon ship? A: London; Q: Where does Broton plan to have the Skarasen attack? Summary: UNIT attempt to track down the Zygon ship while Broton prepares to have the Skarasen attack London.

[Scene: Manor. Basement. Phoebe is fighting with Cole. He kicks her in the stomach and she bends down.] Cole: Don't be tense. Be ready. When you see me expand, you contract. (Phoebe looks up.) If I contract, you expand. (They begin to fight again. Cole flips him Phoebe on the ground and then sits on top of her.) Phoebe: If you wanted to be on top, all you had to do was ask. (A laugh comes from the stairs and Phoebe looks over to see Paige sitting there.) Uh, P-Paige. (To Cole as she slightly hits his leg.) Oh. (He gets off her and Phoebe goes to Paige.) What are you doing down here? Shouldn't you be upstairs studying for Piper's quiz? Paige: Well, I was kinda hoping to go a couple rounds with the demon first. Phoebe: I should tell you, Piper takes her witchcraft quizzes very seriously. You better be prepared. What's the subject? Paige: Potion basics. Phoebe: Eww. Paige: Mm. Phoebe: Well, you got to start somewhere. Paige: I know. It's just a little book learning. (Cole comes up to them.) Cole: Phoebe? (Phoebe sighs. Cole walks away.) Phoebe: Paige, Piper and I had to learn how to be witches the hard away, and it took well, it took too long. We need you to get there faster. Our lives may depend on it. Paige: Appealing to my conscious. Such a low blow. Phoebe: Mmm. (Paige stands up.) Paige: I just want to know when the fun stuff starts. (She leaves. Phoebe turns to Cole.) Phoebe: So where were we? Cole: Training. Phoebe: Uh. Come on Cole. You were gone for a whole week. That is seven long, lonely nights. Cole: I was on a fact finding mission. We can't ignore what I learned. Phoebe: Yeah, I know. The Source wants us dead. Cole: No, you don't know. He needs you dead. Ever since we escaped, factions have been forming to challenge him. He must finish what he started if he expects to survive. Which means that you need to be prepared. (Cole draws a sword.) Phoebe: You think the Source is going to challenge me to sword fight. Cole: Hand to hand combat if too safe. Sword fighting teaches confidence, intensity. (He tosses Phoebe the sword.) You need to learn how to fight like a demon, Phoebe. (He walks over toward Phoebe.) Training must come before everything. Including us. Are you ready? Phoebe: Do I have a choice? (Cole swings the sword and Phoebe ducks. She then draws her sword.) [Scene: Outside Garden. Yen-Lo draws his sword and sneaks in the bushes nearer to the man (Zen Master) kneels before a statue. Yen-Lo comes from behind to attack him. However, An-Ling jumps in front of him. They fight. Zen Master stands up. An-Ling unmasks Yen-Lo with.] An-Ling: Yen-Lo! (She takes off her own masks.) This is how you repay my father? (Zen Master comes over to them.) After all he taught you, everything he gave you. Yen-Lo: What did he give me An-Ling? I was supposed to replace him, but he passed me over for you. Zen Master: Yen-Lo, you took everything you've learned from here and used it for your own gain. You brought disgrace upon yourself and our monastery. Now leave us and never return. An-Ling: You heard my father. Yen-Lo: I'm going to kill him, An-Ling. And then I'm going to kill you. You can't stop me. You're half the student I was. (An-Ling stabs Yen-Lo.) You think this is the end? We're just getting started. (Yen-Lo jumps into a pool of water and disappears. An-Ling brushes her hand over the water.) Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper is quizzing Paige at the table. Piper's wearing glasses. Paige is eating a lollipop.] Piper: Okay. After mixing your potions, what's the best method to preserve unused sea slugs for future use: A) Pickle them, B) Sugar them, C) Smoke them, D) Freeze dry them. Paige: Well now, you see, if I had extra sea slugs, I'd let those little suckers go right on back to the ocean. Piper: D) Freeze dry them is the correct answer. Paige: I was going to guess that. Piper: Why are you guessing at all? Paige: To pass. Piper: Paige, this, uh, isn't like trig, you know. (She takes off her glasses.) It's-It's not like you're never going to use it again. If you blow a potion, innocent people could die. Did you study at all for this test? Paige: Well, I started to last night. It's just a friend from work came over and she knew this bouncer at this club and I'm sorry. Piper: It's okay. I was single once. Why don't you study tonight - Paige: I can't. I have a guy coming over here and we're going out. Piper: Here? What's wrong with your place? Paige: Uh, this place is slightly more impressive than mine. Piper: Uh-huh. Look Paige, I really, really want to be the cool big sister, but this is ridiculous. You have no priorities. Paige: That is not true. I've left work to fight demons. That's why I have to go out tonight. The boss' son is in town for the weekend. Piper: And you think showing him a good time is going to improve your career standing? Paige: Well, yeah. (She puts her lollipop back in her mouth.) Piper: Okay, listen to me very carefully. There is nothing more important than learning your craft right now. We could be attacked at any moment. Paige: Then why am I stuck here reading? I should be learning how to body slam sweaty demons like Phoebe. Piper: Phoebe's been at this a lot longer than you have, but trust me. Be patient and study hard and one day you will get a big sweaty demon of your own. (Piper stands up and gets her umbrella and purse.) Paige: Where are you going? Piper: Chinatown. I need to stock up on some of these herbs. Paige: Oh, can I go? I can get my nails done. Piper: You need to work on your potions. (She gets her coat. Paige stands up.) Paige: Come on! Piper: Paige, don't be make me the wicked witch of the northwest. I-I didn't ask for this big sister gig and frankly it's sucks. But since I'm on a roll, you should get rid of that lollipop habit because it's going to rot your teeth. (Piper leaves the kitchen.) [Cut to basement. Phoebe and Cole are still fighting with swords. Phoebe stops and clutches her ankle.] Phoebe: Uh, I think it's twisted. Cole: Stand up. Phoebe: I just need a time out. Cole: The Source won't give you a time out when you ask. Now get up! Phoebe: I said that I can't. Jeez, Cole. What's the matter with you? Cole: Demons worship strength, power. Nothing else. To beat the Source, you have to channel all of your energy into your strength. Including pain. (Phoebe gets up. Cole reaches out to help her.) Phoebe: Let go of me. I can do it. Cole: I don't want anything to happen to you. (She rests her head on Cole's chest for a moment.) Phoebe: Let's go. I'm ready. (They resume fighting.) [Scene: Outside in a Garden. An-Ling is talking to her father.] An-Ling: I need to stay here. Protect you from Yen-Lo. Zen Master: You cannot protect me from him. Not where he's gone. Only the dragon blade can stop him now. Take this to Master Kwan. He is an old friend. He will understand. (He hands her a note.) An-Ling: But what is Yen-Lo finds you first? Zen Master: Then you will become master and you'll know what to do. An-Ling, I did not pass over Yen-Lo because you were my daughter. I did so because you are the superior student. Now hurry, before he comes back. I'll follow you in the shadows. Go. (An-Ling leaves and Yen-Lo's face appears in a pool of water.) [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Paige is working on a potion.] Paige: Next up, some powered toadstool. Bam! (Paige throws in the powder and claps.) Let's kick it up one more notch. (Leo enters.) Leo: Whoa, what-what are you doing? Paige: You know, just preparing for the Source. Leo: Oh, is he coming over for dinner? Paige: No, Piper's got me mixing potions. Why, I don't know. Phoebe gets to fight. Phoebe gets to levitate. I - I get to cook. (Leo gets a bottle of water out of the fridge.) Leo: Well, you know your sister's active powers took a long time to develop. And, uh, Phoebe's been studying martial arts for years. Paige: Yeah, but we're magic. We should be able to skip over all that crap. Leo: Well, there are no shortcuts. Even with magic. Anyway, you're half White-Lighter which means you're half pacifist. You may never develop the power to fight like Phoebe. And, uh, you might want to check your potion. It's bubbling over. (Leo leaves.) Paige: Just once, I'd like to know what it's like to be Phoebe and be able to kick some serious ass. Bam! (Paige puts the last ingredient and the potion explodes. Paige's soul leaves her body and she collapses.) [Cut to basement. Phoebe collapses. Phoebe's soul leaves and Paige's enters.] Phoebe/Paige: How did I get down here? Cole: Never drop your guard. (Cole goes to hand her a sword and she runs away from him, hiding behind the punch bag.) What is wrong with you, Phoebe? Phoebe/Paige: What did you just call me? Cole: Well, you really took a shot if you can't remember you're name. (Phoebe/Paige looks down to see who she is and gasps.) Phoebe/Paige: Oh, no. (She plays with some of her hair.) I am so screwed and so frosted. Cole: Are you okay? Phoebe/Paige: No. I mean... yes. Just wait here. Cole: I told you, no unscheduled breaks during training. (Phoebe/Paige heads upstairs.) Phoebe/Paige: I am training. I'm doing stairs. [Cut to kitchen. Paige/Phoebe starts to wake up and groans a little.] Phoebe/Paige: Oh, I don't look so good. Paige/Phoebe: What's going on? (She sees Phoebe/Paige and gasps.) Phoebe/Paige: Don't worry, Phoebe. It's me, Paige. We switched bodies. Paige/Phoebe: What? What did you do? Phoebe/Paige: Why do automatically assume it was something that I did? Paige/Phoebe: Paige! Phoebe/Paige: All right, all right. I did it, but it was an accident. I swear. I just wanted to know what it was like to be you and somehow the potion I was working on just sort of blew up. Paige/Phoebe: You wanted to be me? Are you crazy? Okay. Okay. We gotta fix this. What ingredients did you use? Phoebe/Paige: I'm not sure. Just please don't tell Piper. She already thinks I'm a screw-up as it is. Paige/Phoebe: Hello! Paige, we are in each other's bodies. I think Piper is the least of our problems. (Phoebe/Paige pouts.) Okay, fine. I won't tell her. Now wipe that look off my face. (Phoebe/Paige smiles.) Phoebe/Paige: Thanks. God, this top is tight. Paige/Phoebe: Yeah, but it sure looks great. (Cole enters.) Cole: So, ready to get back at it? Paige/Phoebe: Yeah, just a minute sweetie. Cole: Not you. Phoebe. Phoebe/Paige: Uh, sure, sugar. Whatever you say. Lets go work up a sweat. (Phoebe/Paige begins to go downstairs, but Paige/Phoebe stops him.) Paige/Phoebe: Uh, just a minute. Actually, Phoebe has to stay with me. She has to help me, uh, with the potion. It blew up in my face. Cole: Is that true? (Both girls nod.) So let me ask you something, Phoebe. Um, why did you ask me to train you? I mean, why are we wasting our time? Paige/Phoebe: You're not wasting your time, Cole. Phoebe told me how much she's learning- Cole: I'm sorry, Paige. This is between me and Phoebe. If it's more important for you to help out in the kitchen than to train for the Source, then you don't have what it takes to vanquish him. So, please let me know when that changes. (Cole shimmers out.) Paige/Phoebe: If we don't fix this soon, I am going to perm your hair. [Scene: A Herb Shop in Chinatown. Piper enters the store. An-Ling is arguing with the man at the counter.] An-Ling: Please, just listen to me. You have no idea how important this is to me. Man: Come back later. An-Ling: If I could come back later, I would, but I can't. I need it now. Man: That dagger is a family heirloom. It's not for sale. Piper: Excuse me. Do you have any wormwood? (He's about to go find it.) An-Ling: You don't understand. I don't want to buy it. It's all right here in the note. Man: I don't read Chinese. Piper: Uh, wormwood. (He's about to go find it.) An-Ling: You have to help me. My father needs the dragon blade. He said your father would- Man: My father is out of town until Tuesday. You'll have to come back then. Excuse me, I have customers. Piper: Yes. Hi. Thank you. Hi. I need a sprig of wormwood, preferably small stemmed. (An-Ling jumps up onto the wall and takes the dragon blade.) Man: Hey! (Piper tries to freeze the scene, but An-Ling doesn't freeze and jumps through the window. Piper follows.) Piper: Hey! (Piper causes some boxes in the alley to explode in front of An-Ling.) An-Ling: Who are you? (The Zen Master appears. Yen-Lo appears in a puddle.) Zen Master: An-Ling! An-Ling: I have it, father. (Yen-Lo appears out of a puddle of water and stabs the Zen Master.) No! Yen-Lo: Like I said, we're just getting started. An-Ling: Father! (They disappear into the puddle of water.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene Manor. Living room. An-Ling is talking to Piper and Leo. There are two teacups on the coffee table.] An-Ling: Yen-Lo was a powerful disciple, but he used my father's teachings for evil. That's why my father passed him over for master. And because he did, Yen-Lo swore vengeance on him. Leo: But didn't you say you stabbed Yen-Lo when he first attacked? An-Ling: Yes, but he used his knowledge of the teachings to escape before he died. Piper: Escape where? An-Ling: To a place where souls pass on their way to reincarnation. It's a mystical region between life and death. (Piper looks at Leo for help.) Leo: Limbo. An-Ling: Yen-Lo somehow figured out a way to hide out there. Piper: But if you stabbed him- Leo: Metaphysical and magical laws are amplified in limbo. As long as he stays there his wound will never advance. He can literally cheat death forever. An-Ling: That's why I took the dragon blade. It has the power to trap human souls. (Piper picks up the dragon blade.)Now it's the only way to save my father. Piper: You think he's still alive? An-Ling: Yen-Lo just doesn't want to kill my father. He wants to punish him. Holding him in limbo does that. It keeps his soul from being reborn. (Piper puts the dragon blade down.) Piper: Do you know how to, uh, get to this limbo? An-Ling: No, I never mastered that skill. Piper: Well, then we'll have to figure out our own way. Phoebe! Paige! An-Ling: I can't let you do that. I know you're powerful witches, but I can't put you in danger. Yen-Lo will be coming for me next. (Paige/Phoebe and Phoebe/Paige enter from the kitchen.) Piper: All the more reason you should be here where it's safe. (She tucks a piece of hair behind her ear.) An-Ling: No place is safe from Yen-Lo. He can use any surface of water as a portal. Leo: Maybe, but he can only stay in our world for short periods. Otherwise, his wound will ultimately kill him. (Phoebe/Paige and Paige/Phoebe go behind Leo.) Paige/Phoebe: You called. (An-Ling and Piper stand up.) Piper: Um, this is An-Ling. Phoebe/Paige: Hi, I'm Paige. (Everyone looks at her curiously.) I mean, Paige's older sister Phoebe. This is Paige. Paige/Phoebe: Howdy. Hi. Paige here. Piper: Um, okay. We've got a water loving demon, so Phoebe can you take Paige to the water main. It takes two to turn off that rusty valve. Phoebe/Paige: Water main. Right. (Phoebe/Paige goes off in the wrong direction. However, Paige/Phoebe pulls her in the right direction and nervously laughs. They leave.) Piper: Okay, Book of Shadows. There's got to be another way to get into limbo. (Leo gets up and he and Piper head for the attic.) [Scene: Limbo. Yen-Lo is standing in front of the Zen Master who is tied to a tree.] Yen-Lo: It's amazing how our wounds stop bleeding down here, isn't it? (Yen-Lo presses the Zen Master's wound.) See! It doesn't even hurt. Zen Master: This place was not meant for us to stay, Yen-Lo. Yen-Lo: Tell me about it. I always the entrance to reincarnation to be a nice river or even pearly gates. The last thing I expected to see was a big, sucking hole. Zen Master: It's never too late for redemption. If you enter that vortex, you'll cleanse your soul. Start life fresh. Yen-Lo: Yeah, as a tapeworm or maybe even a dung beetle. I know how karma works. Besides, I've worked too hard in this life to give it all up now. Zen Master: You're evil, Yen-Lo. You have nothing in this life. Yen-Lo: I have you! Which means now your student reject has a purpose. I figure why stop with just one Zen Master when I can rid the world of two or twenty or a hundred. All their wisdom and magic lost forever in Limbo. Now that's evil. (He lets out an evil chuckle.) Zen Master: And have I not taught you that you can never escape your karma. No one can. Yen-Lo: But then again, nobody's ever escaped from Limbo before, have they? Zen Master: How did you do it? I see no water as a portal to return to Earth. Yen-Lo: I was worried about that at first. But then I remembered that every cloud has a nice wet, watery lining. (He jumps in the air and floats.) Well, I'm off to find your daughter and kill her. Wish me luck. (He levitates out.) [Scene: Manor. Basement. Phoebe/Paige and Paige/Phoebe are trying to shut off the water main.] Phoebe/Paige: Careful, don't break my nails. Paige/Phoebe: Forget your nails. You almost got us busted. Next time just smile and nod when we're together. Phoebe/Paige: Well that might work with Piper, but what about this demon that's on the loose. (Phoebe/Paige sucks on a lollipop as they have shut off the water main.) Paige/Phoebe: You're right. We may have to fight. Can you levitate? Phoebe/Paige: I haven't tried. Paige/Phoebe: There - levitate and kick, but first could you loose the lollipop. My teeth have enough cavities. Phoebe/Paige: Oh, sorry. Nervous habit. (She puts the lollipop down and tries to levitate and kick the punching bag, but falls.) Paige/Phoebe: Oh my god. You are so bad for my image. (Phoebe/Paige sits up.) Phoebe/Paige: Oh, Piper is never going to trust me with magic again. (Paige/Phoebe comes over to her.) Paige/Phoebe: Piper won't find out anything as long as we reverse the potion. (Phoebe/Paige stands up.) Phoebe/Paige: Well, I think I figured out how to mix a new batch, but we're all out of powdered toadstool. Paige/Phoebe: I know where to get some. You stay here. Avoid Piper at all costs and practice my power, you may need it. (Phoebe/Paige turns around and sighs as Paige/Phoebe leaves.) [Cut to foyer. The doorbell rings and Paige/Phoebe answers it. Mr. Cowan's son, Mason, at the door.] Paige/Phoebe: Can I help you? (Mason laughs a little.) Mason: Sense of humor. I really like that in a girl. So you ready to go, Paige? Paige/Phoebe: Paige. Uh- (Phoebe/Paige comes up behind them with her lollipop.) Phoebe/Paige: Mason, hi. How are you? Mason: I'm fine. Do I know you? Phoebe/Paige: No, no. But I know you. At least I feel like I know you seeing as how Paige can't stop talking about you, Mason the boss's son. He's as cute as you said he was. Paige/Phoebe: Well, uh, nice to see you. Bye. (She begins to close the door, but Mason stops her.) Phoebe/Paige: No, wait! Aren't you guys going for dinner? Mason: Yeah, is Italian okay? Phoebe/Paige: Chinese. You must have Chinese. Chinatown Chinese, even better. Mason: That's--That's cool. Paige/Phoebe: Okay. (Phoebe/Paige gives Paige/Phoebe her coat.) Phoebe/Paige: Okay, so you two kids have fun. And keep my face out of the sun. (Paige/Phoebe gives her a look before she and Mason leave. Piper comes down the stairs.) Piper: Who was at the door? Phoebe/Paige: Um, just Paige's date. Piper: She's still going on her date? (Phoebe/Paige shrugs.) Ugh. What's with the lollipop? Phoebe/Paige: Paige sort of got me into them. Piper: Phoebe, I gotta be honest. I'm really starting to worry about her. Phoebe/Paige: Why? What's wrong with Paige? Piper: Well, first of all she made me realize I hate being the big sister. And it's suddenly my responsibility to teach her how to be a witch. And she doesn't listen to me. Phoebe/Paige: Oh, she listens... sometimes. Piper: Really? Cause she's got me fooled. And you know what, it's a shame because she might actually have a lot of potential. Phoebe/Paige: Really? Piper: But the problem is, I don't think she cares, about anything. Phoebe/Paige: Oh, no. She cares. I know she does. You just have to give her a chance. I think Paige is the kind of person that needs to learn from her mistakes. And believe me, she's learning fast. Piper: Mm-hmm. (Piper heads off. Phoebe/Paige sighs and puts the lollipop in her mouth.) [Scene: The Herb Shop in Chinatown. Paige/Phoebe and Mason enter and Paige/Phoebe starts looking around. He sees a jar of squids.] Mason: Uh, hmm. What is this place? (Paige/Phoebe sighs.) Paige/Phoebe: I just gotta find some powdered toadstool. Ah, here it is. (She takes a bag out of a basket.) Mason: Okay, I-I gotta warn you. I'm not into the whole herbal scene. Paige/Phoebe: Oh, neither is Paige, I don't think. Mason: You always talk about yourself in the third person like that? Paige/Phoebe: It's kind of a character flaw of mine. Mason: So what's the toadstool for? Paige/Phoebe: It's an aphrodisiac. (She heads over to the counter.) Mason: Really? My Dad was right. He said you were, uh, unique. I believe is the word he used. Paige/Phoebe: Oh, yeah? What else did he say about me? Mason: He said that if he doesn't hurry up and make a social worker, you'll probably quit and start your own agency. That or end up in jail. He wasn't sure which. Paige/Phoebe: Sounds like me at that age. (She pays a man for the powdered toadstool.) Mason: You lost me again. Paige/Phoebe: I'm not showing you a very good time. Am I? Mason: Well, I don't know. I mean we're in Chinatown shopping for a sexual stimulant. I'm surrounded by chicken claws and goat brains. I haven't this much fun in a long time. Paige/Phoebe: Come to think of it, neither have I. My boyfriend's not really big on the fun factor lately. Mason: Your boyfriend? Paige/Phoebe: Ex-boyfriend. (Thunder claps outside.) Uh-oh. Yen-Lo. Mason: Uh, what's that? Another aphrodisiac? Paige/Phoebe: I gotta go. (Paige/Phoebe leaves Mason in the store.) [Scene: Manor. Basement. Phoebe/Paige is trying to levitate, but failing. Cole shimmers in behind her. she jumps again and fails.] Cole: What are you doing? Phoebe/Paige: Uh, just some exercises. Levitating exercises. Cole: So you've decided to make training you're priority? Phoebe/Paige: Yes, absolutely. Cole: Good. We'll pick up where we left off. Phoebe/Paige: Right. Cool. Cole: I'll throw a couple of low voltage energy balls at you. You just try to avoid them. Phoebe/Paige: Energy balls? (Cole throws an energy ball and hits Phoebe/Paige in the shoulder.) Oh! (Cole throws her one on the butt.) Ah! Okay, now that's just rude. I am not having fun. Cole: Fighting the Source isn't supposed to be fun. Phoebe/Paige: That's it, pal. You are not the Source and you do not treat your girlfriend this way. Murderers, demons, phone solicitors maybe, but not your girlfriend. Cole: What's gotten into you? (Cole walks up to her.) Phoebe/Paige: Paige! I mean... I told Paige how you've been treating me and she just thinks you're way out line, buddy. Cole: Phoebe, you're the most important thing in my life. If I don't push you hard, I will lose you. Phoebe/Paige: You keep pushing her that way, and you'll push her right out the door. Cole: What do you mean her? Phoebe/Paige: I meant me. Cole: You said her. Phoebe/Paige: Did I? Well, it's I'm just - I'm very angry. You know? Because, well you tore my jog bra and now I just - I have to go change. (Phoebe/Paige leaves.) [Cut to Attic. It's raining outside and water is leaking in through the window. Piper and Leo are looking in the Book of Shadows. An-Ling is sitting down, looking in a bowl of water.] Piper: There is actually nothing in here on how to reach Limbo. (Leo goes over to An-Ling.) Leo: Should you have that water up here? I mean what if Yen-Lo uses that as a portal. An-Ling: It's okay. The surface is too small for him to enter. Piper: So, what are you doing? (Piper goes over to them.) An-Ling: My father could use water as a looking glass into other worlds. Once when I was young, he reached into a bowl of water and picked me a plum from the Garden of Eden. Leo: Can you see your father now? An-Ling: No. I only see water. (She puts the bowl down.) I wish he were here. He'd know what to do. Leo: I better go check with the Elders. Maybe they can help us reach Limbo. (Leo orbs out.) An-Ling: Sometimes I think Yen-Lo was right. My father made the wrong choice. Yen-Lo was always the better student. Piper: Oh, I doubt that. (She sits down in front of An-Ling.) You beat him in battle. An-Ling: But I didn't kill him. I made him stronger. Strong enough to remove my father's magic and wisdom from the world. I don't feel worthy of following in his footsteps. Piper: I understand. I recently lost my big sister who was pretty good at just about everything she did. Very tough shoes to fill. An-Ling: Where did you find the strength? Piper: I haven't yet, but I'll let you know when I do. (She looks at the window.) Come on. With all this rain, we have to protect the house from Yen-Lo. (They leave the attic. Yen-Lo appears from puddle of water leaked in from one of the windows.) [Cut to Foyer. Yen-Lo comes down the stairs. He pauses and hides as Paige/Phoebe enters the house and puts down her bag on the table. She takes off her coat and hat, then heads for the living room. Cole comes to meet Paige/Phoebe.] Paige/Phoebe: Cole! You scared me. Cole: Sorry. I didn't mean to. With the rain outside and everyone on Yen-Lo alert. (Paige/Phoebe puts her coat on the coat rack.) Paige/Phoebe: Yeah, Yen-Lo. That's why I rushed home. Cole: You're chilled. Here put this on. (He offers her his jacket.) Paige/Phoebe: Uh, you keep it. (He pins her to the wall.) Cole: I'm sorry. Am I making you feel... uncomfortable? Paige/Phoebe: No, of course not. I was just wondering what "Phoebe" would think about this. (Yen-Lo leaves.) Cole: Phoebe? Paige/Phoebe: Uh, yeah. Your girlfriend, Phoebe. Remember? Cole: Yes, see, the problem with Phoebe is she's so obsessed with training, she's not interested in - romance anymore. Paige/Phoebe: That's not true. I - I mean, she- Cole: You on the other hand, strike me as being full of passion. Desire. I miss that. Paige/Phoebe: I gotta go. (He kisses her. Phoebe/Paige walks down the stairs.) Phoebe/Paige: Hey! (Paige/Phoebe flips Cole over. Phoebe/Paige goes over to her.) Paige/Phoebe: How could you do this to me? (Cole puts up his hands innocently.) Cole: Oh, come on. I'm just trying to have a little fun, Phoebe. Isn't that what you were complaining about me not doing? Paige/Phoebe: Yeah, but I never meant for... did you just call me Phoebe? Cole: Would you rather I kissed her? (He stands up.) Paige/Phoebe: No. Phoebe/Paige: You know? How do you know? Cole: Well, for one thing you suck at levitating. And for another, you set me straight about the way I've been treating the real Phoebe as only a sister could. Paige/Phoebe: You did? Phoebe/Paige: Someone had to. Cole: Okay, I'm going to go. Let you guys work this out. When you're yourself again, give me a call. (He smacks her on the but lightly.) Paige/Phoebe: Unh. Oh. Cole: We'll have some fun. (Phoebe/Paige looks away slightly in disgust. He shimmers out.) Paige/Phoebe: Okay, we've got to get back into our own bodies. I am even getting confused. An-Ling: (from kitchen) Piper, look out! [Cut to kitchen. Yen-Lo is attacking Piper and An-Ling. He kicks Piper on the table, breaking it. She screams. Phoebe/Paige and Paige/Phoebe enter. An-Ling takes out the Dragon blade]. Yen-Lo: The dragon blade? (He attacks and cuts An-Ling. Phoebe/Paige and Paige/Phoebe enter) Piper: Phoebe, stop him! (Yen-Lo cuts An-Ling and she drops the dragon bladePhoebe/Paige levitates and starts spinning in a circle. Yen-Lo takes the dragon blade and escapes through the dishwater in the sink. Paige/Phoebe pulls Phoebe/Paige down.) Leo! (Leo orbs in.) An-Ling's hurt. (She points at Paige/Phoebe and Phoebe/Paige.) You two, follow me! (Leo heals An-Ling as the sisters leave.) Leo: Easy. [Cut to conservatory. Piper enters with her sisters behind her.] Piper: All right! What the hell is going on? Paige/Phoebe: I was soaking some potion pots in the sink and I forgot to drain them. Piper: That is not what I mean. I smell something witchy. Phoebe, what is wrong with your powers? (Phoebe/Paige doesn't answer.) Phoebe? Paige/Phoebe: I'm over here. Phoebe/Paige: Don't get mad at her. This is all my fault. Paige/Phoebe: Yeah, but Paige, I agreed to keep it secret. Phoebe/Paige: Yeah, but I was the one that messed up the potion. I wasn't concentrating. I just guessed. Piper: Oh, my god! You guys switched bodies! Are you out of your minds? What-with everything we have going on, you pull a stunt like this? Paige/Phoebe: It was an accident. Piper: Accidents like that get people killed. We could have lost an innocent in there. What if it wasn't Yen-Lo? What if it was the Source that broke in? You could have gotten us all killed! Now we've lost our shot at Yen-Lo. We have no idea how to get to Limbo. (She thinks for a moment.) Wait a minute. Do, you remember what you put in that potion to switch bodies? (She points at Phoebe/Paige.) Phoebe/Paige: Phoebe just picked up the ingredient we were missing. Piper: Good. Let's go. [Time lapse. Manor. Kitchen. Piper, Leo, and An-Ling are watching Phoebe/Paige and Paige/Phoebe put together the potion. Piper looks at Paige/Phoebe.] Piper: All right, what else did you (She looks at Phoebe/Paige.) I mean you, put in this. Phoebe/Paige: Just the powdered toadstool. Piper: All right soul sisters, back in your own bodies. Phoebe & Paige: I want to be me again. (Phoebe throw in the powered toadstool and they switch back. The others wait anxiously.) Phoebe: Oh, it's nice to see you Paige. Paige: It's nice to bee seen, Phoebe. My god, what did you have for dinner? Phoebe: Kung Pao Chicken. Sorry. Piper: Okay. Not to cut this reunion short, but we don't have a lot of time. So the only person who knows how to enter Limbo is in Limbo himself. And since we can't get him to An-Ling's father down there, my plan is to bring him up here. Or at least his soul. Leo: Wait, you want to swap souls with An-Ling's father? Piper: He's the only one who knows how to get in. Besides, it's the best way to surprise Yen-Lo. Leo: It's too risky. There's gotta be another way. Piper: Did the Elders have any other ideas? Leo: No. Piper: Then there's not. Okay. (She takes the powdered toadstool from Phoebe.) I want to be the Zen Master. (She throws the powdered toadstool in the potion and switches souls with the Zen Master.) Piper/Zen Master: You have a very brave sister. An-Ling: Father? Piper/Zen Master: Yes, An-Ling I'm here. We don't have much time. Where is the dragon blade? An-Ling: I used it to fight Yen-Lo, but he knocked it out of my hands. Phoebe, did you pick it up? Phoebe: No. Paige? Paige: I haven't seen it. Piper/Zen Master: Then who has the dragon blade? [Cut to Limbo. Yen-Lo has the dragon blade. Piper wakes up in the Zen Master's body, tied to a tree.] Yen-Lo: What happened old man? Zen Master/Piper: I don't know. What happened? Yen-Lo: I was telling you how I stole the dragon blade from your useless daughter when you blacked out. Zen Master/Piper: I did? I mean, I did. If you say so. Yen-Lo: Who are you? (He holds the dragon blade to his neck.) Zen Master/Piper: I am one with the universe. (Yen-Lo laughs.) Yen-Lo: You think you can fool me? I was his disciple for twenty years. (He takes the blade down.) An-Ling doesn't have the power to switch souls. So you must be one of the witches, which means An-Ling and her father will come to rescue you. The question is how are they going to get your soul back when I've got it. (He captures Piper's soul in the dragon blade.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Phoebe and Paige come with Leo bring the dragon blade's sheath to An-Ling and Piper's body inhabited by the Zen Master.] Phoebe: This is all we could find. Piper/Zen Master: Then Yen-Lo must have the dragon blade. (Piper/Zen Master waves her hand over a puddle and sees inside of Limbo.) And used it to capture your sister's soul. Leo: What does that mean? How do we get Piper back? An-Ling: We need to get the dragon blade away from Yen-Lo. Phoebe: Okay, so what are we waiting for? Show us the way. An-Ling: I should go alone. Piper did this for me to save my father's life. (Piper/Zen Master looks at An-Ling curiously.) Paige: No, she's our sister. We'll all go. Piper/Zen Master: Is that what you were fighting to save? My life? An-Ling: Of course, father. When we bring you back their whitelighter can heal your wound. He's a miracle worker. I've seen him. Piper/Zen Master: You are right. We should all go, but it is a different realm down there with new rules. Yen-Lo has had time to learn and adjust. Leo: Fine, then let's go. Piper/Zen Master: If you go, you risk being pulled into the vortex. Who would heal our injuries? Phoebe: He is right, Leo. You should stay here. (Piper/Zen Master goes in. An-Ling jumps in.) Okay, here goes nothing. (Phoebe, then Paige jump into the puddle of water.) [Scene: Limbo. Piper/Zen Master, An-Ling, Phoebe, and Paige enter Limbo.] Phoebe: Piper! (The two sisters go over to the Zen Master's body.) Paige: The dragon blade. Where is it? Piper/Zen Master: Quiet. Phoebe: Look out! (Yen-Lo attacks. Piper/Zen Master is killed to the edge of the vortex.) An-Ling: Father! (She goes to save Piper/Zen Master.) Yen-Lo: Welcome to my turf. Paige: Look! Yen-Lo's belt. (She points to the dragon blade and it orbs into her hand.) I didn't even call for it. It just happened. Phoebe: Our powers must be expanded here. You get Piper's soul out of the dragon blade. I'm going to keep Yen-Lo busy. (Phoebe goes to Yen-Lo.) Yen-Lo: Oh, it's you... black belt Barbie. Phoebe: You're going to sorry you said that. (She levitates and kicks Yen-Lo up to a rocky mountain. He drops his sword.) Paige: Phoebe, what do I do? Phoebe: Uh, I don't know. Use your powers, orb her soul. (Paige orbs her soul out. Phoebe jumps up to Yen-Lo and they fight.) Paige: Now what? Phoebe: Put it back in the body. (Paige puts Piper's soul back in the Zen Master's body.) Zen Master/Piper: Thanks for the lift. Untie me. (She does.) Paige: We've got to do something. Zen Master/Piper: What? I don't have the power in this body. (Phoebe drops to the ground.) Phoebe: Oh, my ankle. I think it's twisted. I need a time out. (Yen-Lo jumps down.) Yen-Lo: A time out? This will be easier than I thought. Phoebe: For me too. Paige! (Paige orbs her the dragon blade and Phoebe captures Yen-Lo's soul. Limbo changes into a beautiful garden and the vortex turns into a cloud-like vortex.) Paige: Oh my god, it's so beautiful. What happened? Piper: Beats the hell out of me. (She walks over to them.) Phoebe: Piper? Piper: Hello! (Zen-Master and An-Ling joins them.) Zen Master: The natural order of things has been restored. Including our souls. Piper: But how? Zen Master: This was all a reflection on Yen-Lo's fears. Of a man afraid of crossing over. In truth, this is a peaceful place. Welcoming. An-Ling: We need to get you home and heal your wound. Zen Master: No. I was mortally wounded. It is my time to die, to be reborn. An-Ling: Their whitelighter can heal. Zen Master: An-Ling, you know better than to cling to the physical world. The way you clung to my hand on the bridge. An-Ling: But you're my father. Zen Master: I'm no great or less than anyone facing death. That's the only lesson that keeps you from being a true Zen Master. Death is a part of life. A transition, a rebirth, something that your young friends here have learned recently. (Phoebe hands the Zen Master the dragon blade.) Yes, Yen-Lo must be reborn too. It is the natural order of things. (He starts to head towards the vortex, but his daughter stops him.) An-Ling: I love you. Zen Master: And I'll always love you, An-ling. (The Zen Master walks with the dragon blade through the portal. He disappears on the other side.) Paige: Does anyone know how to leave here? An-Ling: I think I know how to do it now. (They all join hands in a circle and An-Ling and Phoebe levitate them up.) [Scene: A San Francisco Park. Piper and Paige are walking down the lane of herbs.] Paige: Aloe plant: medical uses. Toro herbs: magical herb. St. John's Wart: Medicinal herb. Ragged robin: magical herb. Cupid's Dart: Strictly aromatic. Piper: And that one? (She points to an herb.) Paige: That is Angelica. Piper: And it's use? Paige: Um, I think it's used mostly to flavor fish. (They walk to Leo and Phoebe sitting on a blanket.) Piper: She got every answer right. (Paige slightly bows.) Phoebe: Yeah! Leo: So, uh, what inspired the turn around? (Piper and Paige sit down.) Paige: Well, I kind of liked the power boost I had in Limbo so it kind of made want to work harder faster. Phoebe: Uh, don't be in too big a hurry. Trust me, you want to fight like hell to keep life separate from magic. Piper: Here, here. Phoebe: And having a guy around like Mason is not such a bad thing. Paige: Oh, you liked him? Phoebe: Yeah. Paige: Yeah. That's too bad. He canceled on me for tonight. He said I was trying too hard and that I was not comfortable in my own skin. Leo: So much for impressing the boss, huh? Paige: Well, I can take comfort in the fact that he canceled on Phoebe and not me. (She laughs a little.) Phoebe: Hey! (She throws a little bit of food at Paige. Cole shimmers in.) Leo: Well, here comes your personal trainer from hell. Piper: Literally. Phoebe: Oh, gotta go. (Phoebe goes over to Cole.) Hi! (She's about to hug him.) Cole: Wait a minute. Who are you? (Phoebe kisses him.) Oh, I know... Paige. Phoebe: Uh! (She laughs a little.) So what's on our training schedule for today? Light sabers? Cole: Actually, I was thinking maybe we could have a private picnic of our own. Phoebe: But what about training? I have to be ready for the Source. Cole: I know, but not right now. Right now, I was thinking I could take you to this great little picnic spot in, uh, the south of France. Phoebe: Really? Cole: Really. (They shimmer out.)

Plan: A: the Book of Shadows; Q: What is Paige studying? A: Paige; Q: Who swaps bodies with Phoebe? A: adept Phoebe; Q: What is Phoebe's martial arts skill level? A: a potion; Q: What does Paige mix? A: Piper; Q: Who do Paige and Phoebe try to hide the mix-up from? A: the sisters; Q: Who have to go help a Zen Master save her kidnapped father from Limbo? Summary: While busy studying the Book of Shadows, Paige shows a large amount of jealously in how adept Phoebe is while performing her martial arts. As a result, when Paige mixes a potion, she accidentally swaps bodies with Phoebe, and while they try to hide the mix-up from Piper, they have a hard time doing so when the sisters have to go help a Zen Master save her kidnapped father from Limbo.

Ted (2030): Kids, you have to wonder if everything I am telling you is true. And this is normal. After all, the limit is fine between a good story and a lie. Flashback Barney talks to a woman's McLaren. Ted (2030): No one played as well as Barney with this limit. A breeze for him. Barney: I love traveling. Woman: Really? What is the best place that you hast visited? Barney: Hawaii is fun. A buddy of mine lives in Seattle. It's really not bad. But the best place? I must say, the moon. End flashback Barney, Marshall, Lily and Ted are in the apartment of the latter. Ted: You're not convinced a girl that you were the first to walk on the moon? It was seven years before you were born. Barney: Ted, a blonde, it's easy. Flashback Barney: Our ship is passed through a hole spatiotemporal or gamma rays or something. I started to rejuvenate, blah, blah, blah. So you bump into one store yoghurt. It must be insane. End flashback Marshall: But I worked at a yogurt shop in high school. And indeed, it was... insane. Barney: So, after 20 minutes, the eagle has landed. We fuse into space. Houston, we have a complainer. Other double entender related to space. Ted: Why are you lying all the time? Barney: I do not lie! We made love, I have pictures! Robin enters and sighs. Robin: I hate my job. Marshall: What? You had not interviewed the mayor? Robin: Mayor McWouaf. It teaches the children clean, dressed dog. Finally, it is supposed to. Flashback Robin McWouaf interview the mayor. Mayor: I do not want to talk about Mayor McWouaf. I mean those amazing shoes at Bon Pied-A-Ti! Watch as they absorb the shock! Robin: The table! There was a table... Back. (The cameraman has fun throwing papers) were returned. Mike: Sorry Robin. I was bored. Robin: Yeah, I understand. End flashback Robin: A single interview proper, it would be nice for a change. Ted: Okay, I look at my calendar, see when I'm available. But I want a list of questions in advance and nothing about my private life. Robin: Ted, you've nabbed seven peanuts in a row. Impressive but not enough to be published. Marshall: You have nabbed seven in a row? Ted: seven in a row. But I speak not of it. I talk about my selection for the construction of a scale model of the Empire State Building for the greater recovery of the New York skyline in the world. Robin: That's the thing with which you played the other day? Ted: I was playing it. I was working. Flashback Ted plays with characters. Ted: "It's you. "" It's me. "" I saw you in the street. "" Are you Annie? "" Yes. " Robin, out of his room: Ted? You redo the end of Sleepless in Seattle with Polly Pocket? Ted: How long are you here? Robin: Ten seconds. Ted: Yeah, just the end. End flashback Marshall: Again? A knock on the door. Lily: This is the pizza. Baby, you got the cash? She gets up to open the door. Marshall: You know, in fact, it was not me who should pay.Because I do not really like pizza. Lily: What!? Ted: It was literally across the country a hundred times for a pizza. Lily: I even caught a pizza in the shower. Delivery Man: Our coupons are your effigy. Barney: I'm not saying he loves pizza, but the last time he went, the doctor said, "stop eating pizza. "Marshall:" Why? "Doc:" To you examine. " But seriously, we laugh because we love you. Marshall: Okay, so I have no money on me... it's because... I was assaulted. Lily: You...? Ted: What? Marshall: You can pay Arthur? I have the slab! How is your father, anyway? Arthur: Better. Marshall: That's good. GENERIC Lily: Did you get mugged? Barney: Who? He wore a black hat and beard of the day? He said "Hands up! "? Marshall: Yes, because I was assaulted in 1947 at the corner of Abbott and Costello. But no. I cut through Central Park back from work. Flashback Man: Watch out. Come any closer. Marshall: It's good. It's good. Marshall gives him his wallet and the man left. End flashback Marshall: It was downright terrifying. Barney: It was downright terrifying. Marshall: What are you doing? Barney: I repeat. I will say that it happened to me to lie on compassion. Marshall: It will not work. If? Lily: Not a bit. Marshall: I authorize you to do. Lily: I do not think there's a gun to my Marshmallow. Now, I tremble. I think I will not sleep all night. Robin: Oh, sweetie. I have a trick to help you sleep. (She pulls out his gun) Glue this under your pillow. You'll sleep like a f*cking baby. Ted: Robin puts it. Robin: It's going to hurt someone. There is the... security. Marshall: Okay, you know what? We'll all calm down. We do not need a gun. I just want to forget what happened and continue to live my life. Barney: I just want to forget what happened and continue to live my life. It's great. But I think I'll add a tear. Marshall: Listen baby, I know it's scary, but look at me. I'm fine.You can put this behind us? Barney: It's gold! But I'd rather say 'put me behind you. " Lily: Baby, do not worry for me, I mean, yes, I'm a little scared, but I am New York. I will not let me change it. Lily and Robin are at the shooting range. Lily: I changed! I like the weapons now. Charger. Robin: Maybe there should be a pause.. Lily: I said, "shipper". Robin gives the charger. Marshall, Lily, Barney and Ted are at McLaren's. Marshall: You wanna buy a gun? Lily: No one who scares. A tiny Beretta pink that goes with these cute sandals I just bought. In fact, our new credit card works. Marshall: You do not need a weapon. All studies in the world come together to say that a home is safer with no weapon, especially ours. You know how I ever hurt you unintentionally. Flashback Marshall opens a bottle... Marshall: Pretty easy, huh? (And send the cork in the eye of Lily. Marshall and Lily sleeping when Marshall is a slap to Lily. Marshall before the fridge and opens the door when Lily arrives. They dance loose Lily and Marshall) Dispatch, baby. The party will begin. (Lily is dressed up and scared a killer Marshall puts his fist) You had to disguise yourself in sexy chat! Lily: I have changed my mind. End flashback Marshall: Now, you want to add a weapon in this equation? Lily: I know, you're right, but every time I close my eyes, I see this guy pointing a gun at you. And... you're my world, Marshall. If something happened to you one day, I would... Marshall: I know. I know. Listen, I must confess something. This attack did not go exactly as I said. Barney: So it was indeed a black bonnet. J'l'avais said! Marshall: He wore no black cap. It is wearing nothing at all. Ted: Wait, so... Flashback Man: Watch out. Come any closer. Marshall: It's good. It's good. Marshall gives him his wallet. End flashback Lily: He assaulted you naked? Barney: I do not ask where he kept his weapon. Ted: We're sure it was a weapon? Marshall: No, guys. I came home from work on foot. Through Central Park, and I stopped at the zoo. Flashback Marshall looks at the monkeys. Man: Watch out. Come any closer. Marshall: It's good. It's good. The man from the monkey glue and Marshall against the railing of his cage. End flashback Barney: You're telling us... Ted: What you got mugged... Marshall: For a monkey. I got mugged by a monkey. Ted, Barney and Lily laugh at Marshall. Barney: You've been mugged by a monkey? Marshall: Yeah, I got mugged by a monkey. I was embarrassed, so I invented another story. The important, Lily, you do not need a weapon. Lily: Forget the weapon. It is on that now. Ted: The monkeys attack people? It really is a jungle out. Lily: This monkey has our address. And if it belonged to a gang?I hope he will climb to see us. Barney: Why did not you asked the guard to recover your wallet? Marshall: Because I saw that the monkey did and I wanted more after. Robin, who happens: Hi, friends. What's new? Barney: New information has been discovered on the attack on Marshall. Robin: Really? They caught him? Ted: He is behind bars. Robin: So, where did they find? Lily: I think naked in a tree, throwing his feces. Robin: I've seen. That's why I take the taxi. Ted: You know how they caught him, huh? Marshall: They tracked. Ted: They tracked! Robin: What's happening? Marshall: Okay. That's what happened. Barney: No, I said. This is my story. You see, the young Marshall was at the zoo, eating a banana... Marshall is sitting on a bench and eat a banana. Marshall: I ate no banana! If you tell it, do it well. Barney: You're right. The banana was on the floor. A banana is on the ground and Marshall try to pick it up but can not do it. Marshall: Was not... Was not banana banana. Barney: Marshall, I'm sorry, really. Here's what happened. The monkey a banana tip in the back of Marshall. Marshall: Do not shoot. There was no banana! Robin: Come on, Barney. I know that Marshall has not been mugged by a monkey. Marshall: This part is right. It is not unusual, right? Thailand, China, Costa Rica, people are attacked by monkeys all the time.They are gatherers. Because of their dynamic inter-social, have a predisposition to flight, gives them a genetic advantage. Lily: You've been mugged by a monkey! Ted: It might be curious. You were wearing a yellow hat? Robin Marshall, seriously, it's a great story. I can interview you on my show? Ted: What? Him in your program? And my model? Robin: No one wants to see a guy who comes to play with dolls. Ted: First, it was not what you think. Secondly, you got a guy playing with dolls. Flashback Robin interview a man with dolls. Robin: So, your dolls are favorites of Rhinebeck prices next month. Men: Only if they are holding up well. Last year, I found one of her frolicking with GI Joe. This is not funny. What were you thinking? And if you were pregnant? End flashback Ted: And you invited back for a second interview. Robin: Because the FBI wanted to be occupied while they searched his home. Come on, Marshall. I need history. It has everything. Crime, monkeys, no stupid model of the Empire State Building, which takes me all my living room and smelly glue everywhere. Go. Do this for me... As a friend? Lily: It would be nice to see you on TV. Marshall: Can you promise me to present it so that I am not ridiculous to myself assaulted by a monkey? Lily: You've been mugged by a monkey. [SCENE_BREAK] Barney entered the apartment while Ted is sitting on the couch. Barney: I've just been mugged. Ted: What? Barney: That's what I said to the girl at the bar just now... Flashback Barney: It was downright terrifying. I would just like to forget what happened and continue to live my life. Woman: My poor darling. Woman 2: Neil? Neil! Barney: Well, my name is not Neil. This is Bar... He turns to face the first woman with whom he discussed that and he said he was Neil Armstrong. Woman: Why you call it Neil? Woman 2: Because it's his name. This is Neil Armstrong. Woman: The cyclist? Woman 2: You're not supposed to be on a space mission? Woman: You've just mugged? Barney: Well, I can do. You see, I was on the road to the launch pad when I got mugged. And the aggressor... took my keys from the shuttle. Successful. Who wants to do something to 3? Woman 2: Me. Woman: Me too. End flashback Barney: And it was the best thing in my life 3. Ted: Funny, you look like you just got two vodka and tonic in the face. Marshall: You're the lemon in your hair. Barney: The story is better with my end... It's... Okay? So we were there, zero gravity. They wore helmets that astronauts... Robin, entering: Marshall, you never will believe. I spoke to my producer monkey aggressor and he loves! Marshall: Really? Cool. Robin: Who knows someone who has been mugged by a monkey? Marshall: Nobody except the good people of Thailand, China, Costa Rica and many other countries where the crime committed by the monkeys is a common nuisance. Robin: The best is that it is possible that the story goes on national TV. Guys, this story of the monkey attacker can make me famous. Marshall: Me too. Guys, it will not. I can not do that. Ted: It's a little embarrassing. So what? Marshall: That's not it. Guys... I'm not assaulted by a monkey. Ted, Barney and Marshall are at the bar with the guys. Ted: So, you've not been mugged by a monkey? Marshall: Not at all. Barney: So what you're saying is that you got the monkey trapped so you give him your wallet? Marshall: No, that's not it. Ted: So you got the monkey attacked? Marshall: Guys, there was no monkey! He was a man with a gun. Barney: You sure it was not a monkey on the shoulders of another monkey, wearing a trench coat? Ted: That would be the right size. Marshall: I just invented this story that Lily does not buy a weapon. In truth, it never happened. Barney: I can not believe. Marshall: What? Barney: You heard me. You got attacked by a monkey. You want to go to the issuance of Robin because you're afraid of being ridiculous. Marshall: I would not? Barney: If serious, this is too funny. Marshall: Well, this has never happened. And I can lie to you because you are my best friends. Barney: I, yes, but still. Marshall: But I can not lie on national TV. Barney: You know a long time. He told the truth? Marshall: Ted, do not do that... Ted: I could not say. It smells good. But I could not say. Barney: I still say that it happened. Ted: Maybe. But, Marshall, if you have not been attacked by a monkey, Robin must not speak on his show. It would be more credible. Barney: Journalists lie constantly. Sorry, but I believe that Jack Palance is dead when I see the body. Ted: It will perhaps shock you Barney, but people do not like lying to them. Barney: False! They like to discover that they lied. "Because a lie is just a great story that has mixed with the truth." Barney Stinson. Example, that Sarah gave me this! Marshall: You mean what you done to him. Barney: No, I mean what she did. In truth, I fear that history has not gone exactly as I said. Flashback Barney: Passed. Who wants to do something to 3? (The two women throw their glasses to him the figure) Lisa, wait. Lisa: Yes, Neil? Barney: It's you Lisa? Sarah, wait. Listen. I'm Neil Armstrong.Sorry I lied. Lisa: Well, I think I have not been completely honest with you either. I said I was 28, but in truth, I'm 31. End flashback Barney: 31 years! I was happy, very happy, thinking that because I put a 28 year old daughter who has taken too much sun. People want to lie. Marshall, they need the lie, that's why, in my case, you've been mugged by a monkey. As far as I'm done with this plan 3. I am the best in the world! Lily, what happens: This is the belt of Planar 3? Barney: You know it. Lily: Well done! I have too much sleep last night. Can you imagine that I almost buy a gun? I'm glad you assaulted by a monkey. Marshall: You got me. I was just nervous. I got mugged by a monkey. Barney: Yeah! I knew it. Ted: Now I think you're not really mugged by a monkey. Barney: Come on, Ted. Why he would invent something like that? Marshall: Come on, Ted. Ted: Come here. Seriously, what's your flavor? It's intoxicating. Ted (2030): Late the next night, we went on board the issue of Robin. Robin: Do not be nervous. We will sit down... It's that thing, whore? Ted: I know. Looks like something covered by a sheet. If you want to discover, you will have to do a story on it. Robin: It's you who will be covered by the sheet if you leave your model not stupid. Barney: Dude, what do you do? Ted: I do not think Marshall will lie on TV. And when it gives up, I wanna be there for Robin, with a story. Or rather, 102 stories, because it is the height of a building in New York. Barney: Now I want a weapon. Marshall: The monkey is there. Robin: Surprise. We thought it would help to bring you to confront your abuser. Man: Because of this incident, we will send Captain Bobo in a nature reserve. Lily: I bet he will love it. Man: No, ma'am. You see, we will separate him from his wife, Milly. They have been together long. Marshall: The name of his companion is Milly? Ted (2030): And then the interview began. Robin: In your own words, describe what happened. Marshall: Well... I'd love to tell you what happened, Robin. But... I really want to know what's under that sheet. Robin: We talk about that. We speak your aggression. Marshall: People are attacked every day in New York, Robin, do we often see what's under that sheet? You can shoot it? Robin: We come back. Mike: It's good. Robin: What are you doing? Marshall: I have not really been attacked by a monkey. I invented it for that Lily buys a gun. Lily: You have not been attacked by a monkey? Marshall: What are you talking, baby? Of course I do. Robin: Great, tell it to America. Five minutes. Marshall: Not five minutes. I have not been attacked by a monkey. Lily: It's good. I buy a gun. Marshall: No. I got mugged. Man: So Bobo goes. Marshall: No! I have not been mugged! Barney: You know if it was attacked? Ted: I have no idea. Man: Did you or not, was attacked by Captain Bobo? Lily: Tell us just what happened. Robin: Yes, tell us the truth. Ted (2030): And that's when Marshall realized that there was one thing to say. Marshall: Okay! That is the truth. I go back... back to bed. He gets up and leaves. Ted (2030): And that was it. We never knew what really happened to the portfolio of Marshall. But we know that. Aunt Lily has never had a weapon, Robin's credibility remained intact, and Bobo and Milly lived together at the Central Park Zoo. Robin: sh1t. Okay, put a microphone. Ted: Micro and makeup in place. The socks of the arch duchess. Barney: It was not very satisfactory. When I tell that he was attacked by a monkey. And I keep the stuff of banana. It was good. Ted: Barney, stop lying. You can not put another end because the conclusion does not satisfy you. Barney: Really? Well, believe me, Mosby. One day you shall tell this story and you'll see things my way. Ted: I doubt it. Ted (2030): The children you will not believe what happened. Mike: The monkey escaped! Male 2: It has one of my dolls! Man: Bobo, just there, Bobo. Mike: He climbs the building! Man: Bobo, come here. Mike: I'll get it. He throws paper airplanes. Ted: It's really happening? Barney: Of course, Ted. Ted (2030): True story.

Plan: A: Marshall; Q: Who gets mugged? A: Lily; Q: Who wants to get a gun for protection? A: a convoluted story; Q: What does Marshall come up with to deter Lily from getting a gun? Summary: When Marshall gets mugged, Lily decides she wants to get a gun for protection, so Marshall comes up with a convoluted story about the mugging to deter Lily from following through.

"In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young man. His name...Merlin". VILLAGE - DAY Gwen works in her yard wearing the red dress she wore four years earlier. She pauses to catch her breath and fingers her engagement ring on the string around her neck. She hears horses hooves and villagers begin to run and shriek, trying to escape the raiders riding into town. Gwen ducks behind the wall around her yard. A bandit knocks over a stand in the street and Gwen runs off. She turns a corner and finds her path blocked by a dismounted bandit. She tries to back up, but falls backwards and is quickly surrounded by bandits. The dismounted bandit raises his sword to strike. He's stopped by their leader. Helios: Wait. Gwen recoils as Helios leans over. Helios: There's still some pleasure to be had here. [SCENE_BREAK] OPENING TITLES [SCENE_BREAK] KING'S PALACE, CORRIDOR - DAY Merlin is following Arthur Merlin: I'm not saying it's inappropriate. I mean, you're the king and I'm not, and of course it's your choice, there's no doubt about that. It could hardly be my choice, could it? What with me not being the king. But, nevertheless, I do feel I have to say something because, strictly speaking, these clothes are only supposed to... King Arthur: Merlin. Merlin: Yes, my Lord. King Arthur: Could you do something for me? Merlin: Of course. Absolutely. Not a problem, whatever needs doing. King Arthur: Could you...please...shut up. Arthur continues walking. Merlin pauses for a beat then continues talking. Merlin: Yes, I can do that. Of course I can. That's not a prob... King Arthur (distance): Now! KING'S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - DAY Arthur walks to the front of the room and faces his court. Merlin stands next to Gaius. King Arthur: My Lords, fellow knights, gentlemen...as you are all aware, Camelot's claim to the lands of Gedref has long been in dispute. Today I can announce that, after many months of confidential negotiations, the kingdoms of Nemeth and Camelot have reached an agreement. There's some murmuring among the court. King Arthur: There's nothing to fear. It is a fair and honourable agreement that befits two great kingdoms. Furthermore, our friendship will be cemented by a union that cannot be broken. My hand in marriage to Her Royal Highness, Princess Mithian. The cour whispers and starts to applaud. Gaius sees Merlin staring slack-jawed at Arthur. Gaius: Smile. Merlin (shakes his head): He can't mean that. Gaius: And clap. Smile and clap. Merlin smiles and claps, pretending KING'S PALACE, CORRIDOR - DAY Merlin follows Arthur back down the corridor. Merlin: How come I didn't know any of this? How come you didn't say anything? King Arthur: That's what "confidential" means, Merlin. Keeping it from blabbermouths like you. Merlin: You can't do this. King Arthur: No, you're right, I can't. Oh, wait a second...I'm the king, so I can. Merlin: Surely it's a little bit... King Arthur (sharply): A bit what? Merlin: Soon? Arthur feigns ignorance, but he is clearly angry and upset. King Arthur: What do you mean? Merlin: Erm, well... King Arthur: You mean Guinevere. I told you not to mention her name again. Merlin: Which is why I didn't. King Arthur: How many times do I have to tell you? Guinevere made her choice. She betrayed me. Now she must take the consequences. Merlin: But... King Arthur: But what? Merlin: Nothing. King Arthur: That's right. Nothing. Arthur turns to leave. Merlin: Except that you still love her. Arthur stops in the doorway, Merlin glares at his back. Arthur pauses for a moment, then turns around and marches angrily toward Merlin. King Arthur: You ever say anything like that again and I swear you'll join her in exile forever. They glare at each other and Arthur leaves. KING'S PALACE, SCROLL VAULT, NIGHT A servant puts some scrolls away and locks them up tight. The servant locks the door as he exits and walks down the corridor. Agravaine: Eoghan. The servant startles as Agravaine steps out of the shadows. Eoghan: My Lord. Agravaine: Have you what I asked for? Eoghan: I, erm...it was not so easy as I thought. Agravaine: I hope you haven't forgotten how much I've done for you. Eoghan:: No. No, of course not, my Lord. Agravaine: Or how simple it would be for a man in my position to have you arrested. I should hate to see such young life wasted. Eoghan: I cannot do it. I cannot betray my master's trust, my Lord. I'm sorry. Agravaine: You'd rather betray mine. Mm? (laughs) Of course, I understand. You swore loyalty to your master. It's commendable. Eoghan sighs in relief. Agravaine: Now, come. Neither you, nor I, will say anything about it (he stabs Eoghan in the stomach) Particularly you. Agravaine takes Eoghan's legs and drags him off. FOREST - NIGHT Agravaine rides through the woods. MORGANA'S HOVEL - DAY Morgana: You're late. You have the plans? Agravaine: There have been some unexpected developments. Morgana: I hope you're not going to tell me you've failed me once again. Agravaine: I'm sure there'll be the other opportunities in the future. Morgana: Camelot grows in power every day, Agravaine. If we don't act now, there will be no future. Particularly for you. Agravaine: It is not easy, my Lady. The plans for the siege tunnels have always been very well protected. Morgana: And yet you assured me you could bring them to me. Or were you exaggerating? Agravaine: No. Not at all. It will take time... Morgana: Enough! Morgana takes a moment and sighs. Morgana: A man of your standing can go wherever he pleases, Agravaine. Agravaine: You're not suggesting I take the risk myself? She tilts her head. Agravaine: But...if I should be caught... Morgana: Mmm...Best not to be caught, then. HELIOS'S TUNNELS, GWEN'S CHAMBERS - DAY A servant fixes Gwen's veil for her new harem-like outfit. Helios comes in. Helios: I was not mistaken. Gwen stands and the servant steps back. Helios: The filth of the pigsty cannot disguise true beauty (he bows) Helios. I'm only sorry we had to meet under such circumstances. Gwen curtsies. Gwen: Guinevere. I suppose I must thank you for my life. The villagers were not so lucky. Helios: These are difficult times, I need new recruits. The youth of today are not always...enthusiastic. Who are you? From what family do you come? Gwen: I am no one. Helios: I find that hard to believe. Gwen: Nevertheless, it is true. Helios: No matter. I'm not concerned with where a person comes from, only with what they can become. Would you do me the honour of dining with me? Gwen seems not happy with the idea, but puts on a smile and curtsies. KING'S PALACE, MAIN SQUARE - DAY An assembly is gathered for the arrival of Princess Mithian. An armed guard precedes her. The party halts. King Arthur: Knights of Nemeth, Camelot welcomes you and extends the hand of friendship. The guards in front move aside and allow the princess to approach. Arthur steps down from the stairs, taking a breath as he prepares to meet his future bride. Princess Mithian raises her veil and Arthur is stunned by her beauty. Merlin raises his eyebrows at her loveliness. Arthur collects himself and steps forward as a guard helps her dismount. King Arthur: Princess Mithian, you are most welcome. Princess Mithian: Thank you, Your Highness. I have heard much about you and you are more handsome in person than reports suggested. Arthur seems not to feel at ease with the compliment. King Arthur: Erm... Princess Mithian: Are we to stay in this chill all day? King Arthur (confused): Forgive me. Arthur takes her hand and faces the welcoming committee. King Arthur: Tomorrow, there will be a great feast to welcome our worthy friends. The knights, councilmen and courtiers applaud and smile. Merlin's smile fades. HELIOS'S TUNNELS, DINING CHAMBER - NIGHT Helios leads Gwen into a dining chamber. A lavish meal is set on a low table surrounded by rich cushions and candlelight. Gwen is surprised. Helios: Were you expecting something different? Perhaps campfires and raw meat. Gwen: I'm not sure what I was expecting. Helios: Please, sit. I want to know all about you. Gwen (sitting on a cushion): There's not much to tell. Helios: Except how a beautiful woman ended up swilling out the pigs in the middle of nowhere. Gwen: It's a long story. Helios (sits opposite her): I have all night. KING'S PALACE, MOAT - NIGHT Agravaine dumps Eoghan's body and places a note in Eoghan's jacket before sneaking off. HELIOS'S TUNNELS - NIGHT Gwen: Once they killed my family, I knew they would come after me. I had no choice but to flee. I travelled many months before I found someone willing to take me in. Helping with the pigs seemed a fair price for such charity. Helios: You have suffered much for one so young. Now those days are truly behind you. One of Helios's men clears his throat as he enters. Man: My Lord. Helios: I said we were not to be disturbed. Man: The Lady Morgana requests an audience. Gwen starts at the sound of Morgana's name. Helios: She's here? (man nods) Make her welcome. Tell her I will see her right away. Gwen is stunned. Helios: Are you all right? Gwen: Yes, of course. Helios: You don't mind if someone joins us? Gwen: I had thought we'd be alone. Helios: It'll take but a few moments. Gwen: I should retire. Helios: There's no need. Gwen: I'm very tired. She gets up. Helios stands up, too. Helios: But we have barely begun to know each other. Gwen: I'm sure there will be time enough. Thank you for your kindness. Helios: Until the next time, then. Gwen curtsies and pulls the veil over her face as she leaves. Morgana doesn't even glance at her as they pass each other in the tunnel. Gwen lowers the veil and breathes a sigh of relief. Morgana enters the dining chamber. Morgana: You have company. You never change, Helios. Helios: Do you have the plans? Morgana: Not yet. Helios: That was our agreement, Morgana. Without them, any attack on Camelot would be suicidal... Morgana: Well, I hear your force is not yet up to strength. Helios: Preparations are nearly complete. Morgana: But not quite yet. Helios: Are you doubting me? Morgana: No more than you me. Helios (smiles): I am sure we understand each other perfectly. Come... (pours a drink) You must be thirsty after your ride (hands her the drink) You are welcome to stay. Morgana (smiling): Take care not to get too distracted, Helios. There's still much to do. Once I'm crowned Queen of Camelot, you may indulge yourself all you wish. Helios: I may keep you to your word. Morgana: I'll look forward to it. KING'S PALACE, MOAT - DAY Sir Leon shows Agravaine Eoghan's corpse. Sir Leon: I thought you should see for yourself, my Lord, as soon as possible. Agravaine: You did the right thing, Sir Leon. Oh, what a shame. Agravaine looks up. Agravaine: Poor boy must've lost his footing on that wall. Sir Leon: And so I thought. The wall has a high parapet, it couldn't have been an accident. Agravaine: But he was drunk. Sir Leon: Possibly, but there's no smell of intoxication. Agravaine: We only have one recourse. We must ask Gaius to examine the body. See if he can use his expertise to tell us what happened to the unfortunate boy. Sir Leon: I shall send for him at once. Leon walks off and Agravaine smirks at the body. KING'S PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - DAY Merlin is poking at his food at the breakfast table. Gaius: Are you going to sulk all day? Merlin: I'm not sulking. Gaius: You haven't said a word all morning. Merlin: I'm thinking. Gaius: You know how bad that is for you. Merlin (sighs): It is Arthur's fate to marry Gwen. Gaius: If that's the case, then he will. Merlin: But am I supposed to do anything about it? Gaius: You don't think that's a little arrogant? Merlin: Yes...and no. I don't know. I don't know what to do anymore. Gaius: You could start by eating your porridge. A knock at the door. Sir Leon enters. Sir Leon: Gaius, I have a message from Lord Agravaine. He requires your presence. KING'S PALACE, MOAT - DAY Gaius: Poor boy's broken his neck. You can see the bruising just here. Agravaine: Must be from the fall. Gaius: Possibly. But from such a height, one would expect more injuries. There isn't so much as a graze, never mind any broken bones. Agravaine: What are you saying, Gaius? Gaius: I'm not sure. Not yet. Gaius turns Eoghan's corpse over. Gaius: Something here in his tunic. Gaius pulls out the note Agravaine had planted and reads it. Gaius: It's a letter from Odin's court. Agravaine: Let me see. Agravaine grabs it and pretends to read it. Agravaine: I must tell the King at once. KING'S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - DAY Arthur reads the fake note. Agravaine: Young Eoghan was the mapmaker's apprentice. He was a good lad from a decent family. King Arthur: Yet willing to sell his country's secrets for a few pieces of gold. Agravaine: And of course, he did have access to the city's most sensitive plans. King Arthur: The location of the siege tunnels. Agravaine: I fear so, my Lord. And I don't need to tell you what an enemy could do with such plans. King Arthur: Was anything else found alongside this letter? Agravaine: No, Sire. King Arthur: Then it's possible the boy succeeded in his mission and was murdered for his pains. I need to check the vaults. Agravaine: Yes, of course. KING'S PALACE, SCROLL VAULTS - DAY Agravaine: No sign of a forced entry. King Arthur: Boy would've had full access. There's no need to break the locks. Agravaine: A complete inventory will be necessary, my Lord. With your permission, I'll start right away. King Arthur: Meanwhile, double the guard and bring in the mapmaker. It's possible the boy wasn't acting alone. Agravaine smirks as Arthur leaves him in the scroll vault alone. MORGANA'S HOVEL - NIGHT Agravaine hands the siege tunnel map to Morgana. Morgana: I hope you're not going to disappoint me once more, Agravaine. Agravaine: Plans to the siege tunnels of Camelot. Good as a key to the gates. Morgana unrolls the map. Morgana: But a good deal more deadly (uses magic to copy the plans) "De gelicnesse ond afæstne þa þim clute þa". Morgana's eyes flash and the map glows like fire. Morgana rolls the map up, revealing a newly made duplicate underneath. Morgana: You've done well, Agravaine. Finally. KING'S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER DINING HALL - NIGHT The court dines. Arthur chats with Princess Mithian at the head of the table. Merlin isn't pleased to find them smiling and laughing together. He casually strolls to the head of the table to interrupt them. Merlin: Would you like more soup, Sire? King Arthur: No, thanks. Arthur turns back to Mithian. Merlin: You sure? Arthur leans forward and lowers his voice. King Arthur: Merlin, you've asked me that three times now. Will you just... Arthur makes a "go away " face and Merlin leaves. Mithian puts a hand on Arthur's arm. Princess Mithian: You were saying? King Arthur: I...was very surprised. Merlin's eyes glow as he walks away and Arthur's hand flips a spoonful of soup onto his chainmail. Princess Mithian: Oh. King Arthur: Er...sorry, I, erm... Princess Mithian (using her napkin to wipe the soup off Arthur's clothes): No harm done. She chuckles at the situation and Arthur regards her warmly. They share a long look and Merlin rolls his eyes. Agravaine approaches them and disrupts the moment. Agravaine: The vaults are secure, my Lord, and, er...there were no plans missing. King Arthur: Thank you for performing your duties with such haste, Uncle. Now you have to make up for lost time. We are to have dancing and I hear that your jig used to be something to behold. Agravaine: Er..."used" is the word, Sire. Alas I am not as nimble as I once was. King Arthur: Nonsense. Agravaine: I do feel that dancing is best performed in youth and appreciated in age. Arthur and Mithian chuckle as Agravaine departs hastily. KING'S PALACE, CORRIDOR - NIGHT Arthur walks Mithian to her chambers. King Arthur: I'm afraid the Festival of Ostara will soon be upon us. Princess Mithian: Should I be worried? King Arthur: It's a tradition in Camelot to have a hunt that day, but Merlin can arrange a tour of the city. Princess Mithian: A tour? King Arthur: Some of the buildings go back many centuries. Princess Mithian: Arthur, I love hunting. Arthur stops, surprised. King Arthur: Really? Mithian stops and faces him. Princess Mithian: Really. I believe these are my chambers. King Arthur (nods): Of course. Princess Mithian: Well then I bid you good night, Sire. Mithian holds out her hand. Arthur takes and kisses it. King Arthur: Goodnight, Princess. They look at each other for a moment. The pause continues and Mithian glances down at their hands. Princess Mithian: If I may...? Arthur inclines his head, asking for the end of her question. Mithian nods down at her hand and Arthur realises and lets it go. He clears his throat. King Arthur: Sorry. She turns to leave. King Arthur: Mithian. She stops and turns around. Princess Mithian: Yes, my Lord? King Arthur: I was...thinking, perhaps... Princess Mithian: Yes? King Arthur: You...might like some breakfast. Princess Mithian (confused): Breakfast? King Arthur: Tomorrow...with me. Mithian smiles. King Arthur: A picnic...er...somewhere...nice. Somewhere nice. Princess Mithian: I look forward to it. Mithian smiles as she turns into her room. Arthur smiles, somewhat relieved. Then shakes his head at his own botched invitation attempt. King Arthur: Breakfast. I...rubbish thing to say. He walks off mumbling to himself. HELIOS'S TUNNELS, DINING CHAMBER - DAY Morgana arrives at the caves and dismounts. Helios opens the siege tunnel map. Helios: Where did you get this? Morgana: The source is impeccable. Gwen peers out from behind a rock, listening to their conversation. Helios: If I'm to risk my men against Camelot, I need more than impeccable, Morgana. Morgana: The king's uncle and most trusted advisor Lord Agravaine. I doubt you'd find a source more impeccable than that. Gwen pulls herself up on a jutting rock to see them through the entrance crack. Helios: Then it is only a matter of time. I will send word the moment our forces are at full strength. Morgana: Don't delay. The treaty of Nemeth will be sealed in days. Helios: It will be soon. The rock that Gwen is standing on breaks off and she stumbles backwards. Morgana and Helios hear it and Gwen's retreating footsteps. Morgana: Someone's listening! They rush out of the room in search of the spy. Morgana: Did you see who it was? Helios: Not for sure. Seal the camp! Account for everyone! Helios's men run through the tunnels. Helios checks Gwen's sleeping chamber followed by Morgana. Helios: Any sign? Servant: She's taken nothing. Morgana: Who is this woman? Helios: A serving wench I recently acquired, no more. Check the river. Morgana looks down and recognizes the dress folded up on the bed. She smiles and picks it up. Morgana: Does this woman have a name? Helios: Guinevere. Morgana: Your appetite has betrayed you. She's no serving wench. We must find her now! FOREST - DAY Gwen runs through the woods, chased by Helios's men. She rushes down towards the river, looks back for a moment and then steps down into the water. Helios's men run down to the river and continue running along its bank. They pass and Gwen surfaces from the water. CAMELOT, FOREST RIDGE - DAY Arthur leads Mithian by the hand to an outlook in the forest. Merlin carries all of the food, blankets, and pillows. King Arthur: How about here? What do you think? Princess Mithian: Well, the view is certainly spectacular. King Arthur: Yes. Merlin collapses to the ground as he puts down all of the picnic gear. Arthur crouches down. King Arthur: Ground isn't really smooth, is it? It's a bit bumpy. Arthur gets up and walks left a few paces. King Arthur: Ah, what about over here? Mithian looks down at Merlin who is rolling his eyes. King Arthur: Ah, yes, this is much better. Merlin. Mithian joins Arthur. Merlin picks up all the gear and hauls it over a few paces. He puts it down. Arthur looks at him and takes a breath. King Arthur: Perfect. Perfect. Merlin sets all of the gear down on the ground and rubs his shoulder. King Arthur: Yet, is the view really as good? Princess Mithian: Arthur... King Arthur: You prefer the original. Right, then. Merlin! Arthur walks briskly back to the original spot. Princess Mithian: Don't be so mean. King Arthur: He doesn't mind, do you, Merlin? Merlin shakes his head with a stiff smile. Merlin: No. King Arthur: Besides, he needs building up. Look at him. Princess Mithian: Enough. Thank you, Merlin. I'll do the rest. Merlin picks up all of the picnic gear and Mithian carries the picnic basket back to the original spot. Arthur and Mithian lounge on pillows. Mithian giggles and Merlin shoots a disgusted look at the pair of them from his spot against a tree trunk. Merlin's eyes glow and Arthur belches. Mithian's laughter fades, and Arthur looks at her in embarrassment. King Arthur I'm sorry, I, ahem, really don't know what came over me. I... Arthur shifts awkwardly. Merlin's eyes glow again and Arthur belches again. Mithian looks at him curiously and Arthur tries to cope with his embarrassment, shaking his head. King Arthur I don't know what to say. Mithian belches loud and long and finishes with a smile. Arthur is taken by surprise and they laugh. Merlin nods his head and rolls his eyes. FOREST - NIGHT Morgana rides up to Helios in the woods. Helios: The trail has gone cold. We should call off the search until morning. Morgana: No! That woman must be found. I'll search all night if necessary. Helios: She could be anywhere by now. Morgana: There's only one place she'll go. To Camelot and to Arthur. Gather your men. Helios whistles and his men return. FOREST, CAMPFIRE - NIGHT Gwen huddles near a campfire she built. She fingers her engagement ring on the necklace and startles at every noise. KING'S PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - DAY Merlin emerges from his room as Gaius pours over Eoghan's supposed note from Odin. Merlin: I don't know why I bother. I should just leave him to it. Let him make his own mistakes, see how he gets on without me. I should resign. Gaius is too absorbed to pay attention. Merlin: I said, "I should resign." Gaius (looking at the parchment): Quite so. Merlin: Gaius, you're supposed to say, "No, no he needs you even if he doesn't realise it." Gaius (still examining the parchment): Something's not quite right here. Merlin: Exactly. Gaius (to himself): I can't put my finger on it. Merlin: I have to go hunting. I hate hunting. Merlin puts on his jacket and heads for the door. Merlin (sarcastic): Thanks Gaius. You really made me feel a whole lot better. Merlin slams the door shut on his way out and Gaius looks up. KING'S PALACE, MAIN SQUARE - DAY Knights, servants, and guards prepare for the hunt. Arthur mounts his horse. KING'S PALACE, CORRIDOR - DAY Mithian catches up with Merlin as he trudges miserably through the castle. Princess Mithian: You're not a fan of hunting? Merlin stops and turns to Mithian who waits expectantly. Merlin: What sport is it when one side has dogs and spears and crossbows and the other nothing? Princess Mithian: Not much of a fan of me either, are you? Merlin seems surprised. Princess Mithian: Come on, Merlin, I'd have to be a fool not to notice. Merlin: I'm sorry if I caused offence. Princess Mithian: I'm sure you have...good reasons. One thing I've learned since being here is that Arthur values your opinion above almost all others...even if he'd be the last person to admit it. Merlin pretends to scoff, but smiles. Merlin: You can say that again. Princess Mithian: I like him, Merlin. I really do. I didn't expect to, but...well, he's a loveable person, isn't he? Underneath it all. All I ask is that you give me a chance. Can you do that? Merlin (nods): Yeah. Merlin smiles with a nod and Mithian smiles back. Princess Mithian: Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] FOREST - DAY Morgana rides through the woods in pursuit of Gwen. She stops and sees smoke from Gwen's campfire rising in the distance. FOREST, CAMPFIRE - DAY Gwen wakes at the sound of a horse whinny. She gets up and begins to run. She passes a tree and snaps one of its branches in her rush. Morgana continues and stops to look for any signs. She spots the snapped twig and heads off in that direction. Gwen runs full tilt now as Morgana gallops through the woods. Gwen falls, but gets up quickly and keeps going. Morgana catches up and cuts her off. Morgana: Gwen. Nice to see you again. Oh, you've forgotten. I've hunted these woods since I was a child. Gwen: Leave me alone. You've already done enough harm. Morgana: You misjudge me. We were friends once, were we not? Gwen scoffs. Morgana: I only wish to help (she points) The path to Camelot is that way. Gwen: You think I'd ever trust you again? Morgana: Mmm, true, I might be lying. But perhaps not. Gwen: I know these woods, too. Gwen runs off. Morgana: Truth is it doesn't matter which way you go. Morgana's eyes glow and Gwen screams as Morgana throws her into a tree. Gwen falls to the ground, unconscious. FOREST - DAY Hunting horns sound as Arthur and Mithian's party make their way through the woods. FOREST - DAY Morgana glowers down at Gwen and snatches the engagement ring necklace off of Gwen's neck. She starts as she hears the hunting horn. She looks down at Gwen, smirks, and drops the ring. Morgana: You wish to see your beloved Arthur again? And so you shall. (casts a spell) *Nu bebiede ic þe þæt þu lætest þine flæsc sclice gelic nysse. Wyrþ deor!* Morgana's eyes glow and a golden shimmer glows over Gwen's body. Morgana leaves with a smirk. FOREST - DAY Merlin walks alongside Arthur and Mithian's horses. Merlin: Maybe we should call it a day. King Arthur: Nonsense. We've barely begun. Merlin: Not much point in hunting if there's nothing to hunt, is there? King Arthur: Well, we could always give you a five minute head start, Merlin. Mithian smiles at Arthur's joke. Sir Leon: Deer! They chase after a doe running through the woods. Merlin slows to a walk and separates from the group. He spots the doe and it looks at him. He senses something and hears Gwen's weeping. The doe reflected in his eye forms into a tearful Gwen as his eyes glow. He realises what's happened and sees Gwen's running reflection as the doe passes by a small puddle. The hunting party passes by Merlin and he comes to his senses and chases after them. Sir Leon: Beauty. Leon aims, but gives up when he notices Arthur next to him. Sir Leon: Sire, she's yours. Arthur aims. The doe stops and looks at him. Arthur shoots and Merlin's eyes glow. The bolt misses and Arthur gives his crossbow a confused look. Princess Mithian: I thought you were a good shot, my Lord. Mithian aims and shoots. Princess Mithian: Gold sovereign says she's hit. They urge their horses forward. Merlin runs through the woods searching for Gwen while the rest of the party searches for traces of the doe. Sir Leon: Deer tracks. King Arthur: Ah. It can't have gone far. Merlin looks worriedly around the woods while Arthur searches for more deer tracks. Arthur sees something shiny on the forest floor and crouches down to pick it up. It's Gwen's engagement ring on the necklace and he recognises it. Princess Mithian: Have you found the trail? My Lord? Arthur stares at the ring, completely lost in it. Princess Mithian: My Lord? Arthur looks up at Merlin, trying to process the pain of this shock. Merlin looks back at him, breathes heavily and continues to roam his eyes around the woods worried for Gwen. Mithian looks at Merlin and back to Arthur, sensing something's wrong. Princess Mithian: My Lord? Arthur stares off into the woods, breathing heavily in his emotion. King Arthur: There'll be no more sport today. Arthur gets up and walks past Mithian, lost in his own head. Princess Mithian: I didn't take you for a poor loser. Sire? She looks back at Merlin, trying to sort out Arthur's sudden dark mood. FOREST - NIGHT Merlin rides into the woods searching for Gwen. Merlin: Gwen! Gwen! Gwen! Merlin dismounts and goes searching for her. Merlin: Gwen? (he spots something) Gwen? Gwen? He finds her lying unconscious, shaking, a crossbow bolt in her leg. Merlin pulls out the arrow and places his hand over the wound. Merlin: (casts a spell) *Ic hæle þina þrowunga*. His eyes glow. He places a hand on her shoulder and eventually she sighs and stops shaking, relaxing into sleep. FOREST - DAY Merlin sits with Gwen as she sleeps. She wakes. Gwen: Merlin! Merlin: How are you, Gwen? Gwen: I'm all right! (she hugs him)...I think. What are you doing here? Merlin: You were injured. Gwen: Oh, yes, I remember now. Where's Morgana? Merlin: She was here? Gwen (nods): She enchanted me. She and the Southrons and Helios, they're planning to attack Camelot. Merlin: They'd never succeed. They must know that. Gwen: They have help. Agravaine gave them plans of the siege tunnels under the citadel. Merlin: Agravaine? Gwen nods. Merlin: We must tell Arthur. They hear something nearby. Gwen (whisper): What's that? The sound of hoof beats draws near. Merlin gets up to check and sees three knights riding through the woods. Merlin smiles a little. Merlin: It's a Camelot patrol. They can lend you a horse. Gwen: No! Merlin: But Gwen... Gwen: Please, Merlin. She grabs his hand to stop him. Gwen: I can never see Arthur again. Merlin: He wants to see you. Gwen (shakes her head): It cannot be. Not after I betrayed him. Merlin stares at her Gwen: You go. Tell him of the danger. Merlin: Gwen, if you stay here... Gwen: I have what I deserve. Merlin tries to grab her hand and pull her with him. Gwen: Go! Hurry! (she nods to him) Go! Merlin looks at her and then heads off. KING'S PALACE, ARTHUR'S CHAMBERS - DAY Arthur broods in his room, fingering Gwen's engagement ring. Merlin bursts in. Merlin: Sire, I need to talk to you. King Arthur: I told you I didn't want to be disturbed. Merlin: Sire, it is important. Very important. King Arthur: You defy me? You defy your king? Merlin: Yes! I do! You know I would not do so unless the situation was grave. Arthur puts the ring on a table and grabs his gloves to follow Merlin out. KING'S PALACE, CORRIDOR - DAY Arthur marches through the castle with Merlin. King Arthur: The idea is preposterous! I've known my uncle since I was a child! I refuse to believe that he would ever betray Camelot! KING'S PALACE, SCROLL VAULT - DAY Arthur unlocks the cabinet with the siege scroll map. King Arthur: Plans for the siege tunnels are kept here. Arthur opens the cabinet and feels around the back for a while. Merlin's confidence builds and his irritation rises. Then Arthur pulls out the map. Merlin is confused. Agravaine enters as Arthur opens the scroll. Merlin: I don't understand. Arthur puts the scroll back. Agravaine: I came as soon as I could, my Lord. Is there a problem? King Arthur: No, Uncle, not at all. I'm sorry to have inconvenienced you. Merlin: Can we please... King Arthur: One more word out of you and I swear to God I will send you into exile. Merlin looks at Agravaine who smirks at him. KING'S PALACE, ARTHUR'S CHAMBERS - DAY Arthur sits on the end of his bed, fully dressed in his chainmail, fingering Gwen's engagement ring. The door opens and Merlin enters. Merlin: Have you not slept, Sire? Arthur doesn't move. Merlin stands dutifully, arms folded in front of him. Merlin: Is there anything you need? King Arthur: How can I love someone who's betrayed me? It doesn't make any sense. And how can I make myself love another? Tell me that. Merlin: If there is nothing else that you require, perhaps I could... King Arthur: I don't know what to do. I have no idea...what to do. Merlin watches Arthur struggle and Arthur looks at him. King Arthur: What should I do, Merlin? Merlin: All I know, my Lord, is that no one would sacrifice more for Camelot or you than Gwen. King Arthur: And if that were so? Merlin: You must do what your heart tells you, Sire. King Arthur: What if I don't know what that is? Merlin: I think you do. Arthur looks down at Gwen's ring and plays with it as he thinks. Merlin: Is there anything else, Sire? King Arthur: You may go. Merlin bows and walks off. King Arthur: Thank you, Merlin. Merlin looks back and exits. KING'S PALACE, MAIN SQUARE - DAY Princess Mithian's escort waits for her in the square as she descends the steps. Arthur faces the square as she passes him without a word. King Arthur: Princess. She stops, but doesn't turn around as she puts on her gloves. King Arthur: Forgive me. She turns to face him. Princess Mithian: The time for words is over, Sire. King Arthur: I understand. And it is for this reason that I hereby offer you and your descendants all the disputed lands of Gedref. Princess Mithian: You would give up your ancient claims? King Arthur: I have no desire for war. Or to grieve you any more than I already have. Princess Mithian: Such an offer cannot be rushed into. King Arthur: I've had my scribed draw up an agreement (he pulls out a scroll) If you're happy with the terms, I'll sign forthwith. Princess Mithian: And if I refuse? King Arthur: It's all I can offer. I do so most humbly. He bows his head and looks down, then looks at her. He holds out the scroll, waiting for her response. She considers him for a moment and then takes the scroll. Princess Mithian: Tell me...who is it that trumps a princess? King Arthur: No one (thinks for a moment)...and everyone. Mithian's mood lightens. Princess Mithian: What great family is she from? King Arthur: None. She's the daughter of a blacksmith. Princess Mithian: And for her you would risk your kingship? Your kingdom? King Arthur: Without her, they're worth nothing to me. Mithian considers this and looks down. Princess Mithian: Hm...I would give up my own kingdom to be so loved. Farewell, Arthur. Arthur smiles a little. King Arthur: Farewell, Princess. Mithian gives him a small smile back and turns away. KING'S PALACE, ARTHUR'S CHAMBERS - NIGHT Merlin prepares Arthur's bed as Arthur stares out the window, lost in thought. He turns to Merlin. King Arthur: Have I been a fool? (Merlin looks up) To give up so much for a woman who betrayed me? A woman who I might not even see again? Merlin: You will see her again. You did the right thing, my Lord. As I knew you would. King Arthur: And how could you be so sure? Merlin: Because...you're Arthur. You're noble. You're the Once and Future King. King Arthur: Doomed to be a bachelor. Merlin chuckles. King Arthur: What's the point of loving someone who cannot be found? Merlin: Gwen will be found. You will find each other. King Arthur: Are you really wise, Merlin, or just a prating fool? I can no longer tell (Merlin takes a couple steps and trips on Arthur's chamber pot)...As if there was ever any doubt.

Plan: A: Morgana; Q: Who finds a powerful ally in the Southron warlord Helios? A: the perfect plan; Q: What do Morgana and Helios hatch? A: Arthur; Q: Who is preoccupied by the arrival of Princess Mithian? A: Mithian; Q: Who is the beautiful princess? A: the alarm; Q: What does an absent friend raise? A: past wounds; Q: What is still raw? A: Guinevere; Q: Who returns to Camelot? A: a deadly arrow; Q: What is destined to fly into the heart of Camelot? Summary: Morgana finds a powerful ally in the Southron warlord Helios. Together they hatch the perfect plan to force Camelot to its knees... With the Kingdom - and Arthur - preoccupied by the arrival of the beautiful Princess Mithian, it falls to an absent friend to raise the alarm. But with past wounds still raw, can love really conquer all when Guinevere returns? Or is a deadly arrow destined to fly straight into the heart of Camelot?

THE REIGN OF TERROR by DENNIS SPOONER first broadcast - 22nd August, 1964 5:30pm - 5:55pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE CELLS, CONCIERGERIE PRISON, PARIS, 1794 (Susan, Barbara and another prisoner have been removed from their cells by the jailer and are standing next to some guards.) JAILER: This batch for the guillotine! Take them away! (The guards escort them away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2. IAN'S CELL (Ian hears noises outside in the street outside his cell. He clambers up to the window to get a view.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. STREET OUTSIDE THE CONCIERGERIE PRISON (Ian stares through the window in horror at what he sees.) IAN: Barbara! Susan! [SCENE_BREAK] 3. STREET (People walk up and down the street going about their daily business. The Doctor comes up the street. He has arrived in Paris.) [SCENE_BREAK] (He walks off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4. STREET (Two men are watching a street from the cover of an archway. This is noticeably less busy than the other.) JEAN: A [SCENE_BREAK] should have passed by now, Jules. JULES: You must try and cultivate patience, my friend. It will stand you in good stead. JEAN: I will never get used to the waiting. If only it wasn't so quiet. JULES: That's why we're here, Jean. A crowded street and a successful rescue will never mix. JEAN: I know. But it is late. Perhaps they've taken another route? JULES: No. They'll come this way. They always do. Are you ready? JEAN: Yes, I'm ready. How many soldiers do you think there'll be? JULES: Oh, six. Maybe five. JEAN: It's a pity Leon isn't with us today. The odds would have been more favourable. JULES: Yes, I admit Leon would have been a great help. But don't forget we have surprise on our side. It is worth three men. JEAN: Well, they must have left the prison later than usual. [SCENE_BREAK] 5. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE CELLS, CONCIERGERIE PRISON (The jailer brings some food to one of the cell doors.) JAILER: (To the occupant.) If you want some food, get back against the wall and stay there! (He places the food down, unlocks the door and nudges the food in with his foot. Lemaitre has appeared at the end of the corridor.) LEMAITRE: Jailer! (The jailer, startled, cries out.) JAILER: Yes citizen? Yes? LEMAITRE: Here. Immediately! (The jailer fumbles to lock the door.) JAILER: Coming. Coming, citizen! (He rushes off carrying several empty bowls, unaware that he has left the bunch of keys in the lock. He rounds the corner where Lemaitre is waiting for him.) LEMAITRE: Jailer! Didn't you hear me calling you? JAILER: I'm sorry citizen. I came as fast as I could. I was busy with the food. LEMAITRE: Prison food is unimportant! (He knocks the bowls from the jailer's hands.) LEMAITRE: You realise that Robespierre will be asking to see the execution figures? JAILER: I have them ready, citizen. (He picks a piece of paper from a desk and hands it to Lemaitre. Lemaitre sits at the desk.) LEMAITRE: I hope, for your sake, that they're satisfactory. Otherwise, instead of being jailer here, you could find yourself a prisoner. (He begins to read.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6. IAN'S CELL (Ian reaches down to picks up his food, but notices the key in the lock. He stands up and peers through the hole in the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE CELLS (He manages to reach the keys and lift them out. He fumbles with the ring and eventually manages to get one off the ring. He then, after nearly dropping them, puts the remaining ones in the lock.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8. IAN'S CELL (He pockets his key. He then takes the food and begins to eat it by the window.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE CELLS (Lemaitre finishes reading the execution list.) LEMAITRE: Good. Good. JAILER: (Relieved.) Thank you citizen. My only wish is to serve the cause to the best of my ability. (Lemaitre stands.) LEMAITRE: Nevertheless, loyalty should not go unrewarded. JAILER: Citizen, I... I seek no reward. LEMAITRE: That is as it should be. But I shall see to it that your name is mentioned in the right quarter. (Lemaitre walks off. The jailer's triumph is short lived, however, as he discovers the absence of the keys. Panicked, he runs back to Ian's cell only to discover to his relief that they are still in the lock. He picks them up and walks off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10. STREET (Escorted by several soldiers, a horse is pulling along a rickety-looking cart with Susan, Barbara and the other prisoner on it. Susan is clearly sick. The procession halts.) BARBARA: Susan, I think the horse has thrown a shoe. The moment they start to unhitch it, we make a run for it. SUSAN: I don't think I can, Barbara. I don't feel very well. BARBARA: Look, I'll help you but you must make an effort. SUSAN: All right. I'll do my best. BARBARA: Good. Now, as soon as soon as they start to lead the horse away... (She looks up at the sound of laughing and sees two women looking at them from upstairs windows. Jules and Jean are watching from an archway.) JEAN: It is them? JULES: Yes. It looks as if they're having trouble with the horse. JEAN: I guess that's why they were so late. We were right to come looking for them. Are you ready? JULES: Yah. You see how big the guard is, don't you? JEAN: Yes. Four. (The soldiers are removing the horse from the cart.) JULES: But, one of them's taken the horse away. I think we're in luck! JEAN: You know what to do. JULES: I'll take the one on the right. (On the cart...) BARBARA: Susan, are you ready? Come on, now! (She tries to drag Susan away but Susan holds back.) SUSAN: Oh, I can't! You go, Barbara. BARBARA: Don't be silly. Come on! Pull yourself together! SUSAN: Oh, my head's splitting and my back's aching. BARBARA: All right, Susan. It's all right. (The women watching them suddenly close the shutters over their windows. Jean emerges from hiding and shoots one of the soldiers. Another attempts to shoot Jean but misses. He comes up to Jean and tries to strike him with his gun but Jean manages to shoot him first. Jules shouts a warning to him.) JULES: Jean! (Jean shoots the final guard who is sneaking up on him from behind. The two of them help Susan and Barbara out of the cart and through an archway. The other prisoner has already gone during the fight. The four of them head through an alleyway.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11. STREET (The Doctor is walking down when a shop catches his attention. He peers through the window.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12. CLOTHES SHOP (The shopkeeper is sorting out the clothes when the Doctor enters.) SHOPKEEPER: Good evening, citizen. DOCTOR: Evening. SHOPKEEPER: I was just about to close my humble shop, but if I can be of service... DOCTOR: Yes. Yes. Very likely. (He begins to examine the clothes on a rack.) SHOPKEEPER: Ah, did you see the executions today, citizen? DOCTOR: Hmm? Oh, no. No, I didn't. SHOPKEEPER: I missed them too. Most unusual. Citizen Robespierre is doing a fine job, don't you think, hounding out the traitors? DOCTOR: Yes, splendid fellow. You seem to be very interested in these traitors. SHOPKEEPER: I consider it my duty. DOCTOR: Then perhaps you can confirm that newly arrested prisoners are taken to the, ah... ah... What is it? The... the Conciergerie Prison? Hmm? SHOPKEEPER: That is correct, citizen. As a matter of fact, you can see the prison from the end of the street here. (He points through the window.) DOCTOR: (In concentration.) Hmm. Hmm. (He goes back to the clothes rack and looks at a coat.) SHOPKEEPER: A wise choice, citizen. There is no finer set of apparel in all of Paris. DOCTOR: Yes, I was thinking of something new along these lines. SHOPKEEPER: Yes, it... it... it would certainly be more suitable than what you're wearing at present. (He tries to measure the Doctor with a tape but the Doctor has noticed a sash hanging from the wall.) DOCTOR: That's very impressive. SHOPKEEPER: Ah, yes, citizen. It signifies the position of regional officer of the provinces. DOCTOR: Yes, I'm quite aware of that. Yes, quite aware. Yes. In fact, ah... it's a post that I myself personally occupy. SHOPKEEPER: I see. I'm sorry citizen. DOCTOR: Don't apologise. I want to try that on. SHOPKEEPER: Ah, certainly, citizen. (The Doctor takes off his coat and the shopkeeper pulls the other coat off the rack.) SHOPKEEPER: The quality is unmatched. And in comparison, the price... DOCTOR: The price is of no matter. I haven't any money. SHOPKEEPER: (Alarmed.) Eh? No money? DOCTOR: No. No, I though possibly we could arrange an exchange. (The shopkeeper looks at the Doctor's coat with little enthusiasm.) SHOPKEEPER: For this? DOCTOR: And what's wrong with it? SHOPKEEPER: Nay. It's little better than a... a... a fancy dress outfit. DOCTOR: A fancy dress?! My dear sir, I doubt that you've seen a coat like it. SHOPKEEPER: I agree. DOCTOR: Am I correct to ass... to assume that you're not interested? SHOPKEEPER: Mmm, eh, you realise there is not much call for a... DOCTOR: Have you had a similar coat like this in your shop? SHOPKEEPER: Never. DOCTOR: Then I understand why there has been no call. (The shopkeeper takes it and considers.) SHOPKEEPER: It is a heavy material, I grant you. And perhaps with a few alterations... You are offering the entire outfit? DOCTOR: Exactly, of course. SHOPKEEPER: Yes. Well, I shall require something else, too. Like, eh, that ring you're wearing for example. (There is a tense silence then the Doctor pulls his ring off.) DOCTOR: You may have it... (The shopkeeper reaches for it but the Doctor holds it back.) DOCTOR: ...Providing you agree to let me have parchment and writing materials into the bargain, hmm? SHOPKEEPER: Very well. (The Doctor hands him the ring.) DOCTOR: Then we have a bargain, my dear sir. (The Doctor takes his new coat off the shopkeeper.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13. SITTING ROOM, JULES RENAN'S HOUSE (The room is filled with some chairs and a table. A woman, Danielle, opens the door and helps Barbara carry Susan to a chair in the corner. Jules and Jean follow them in.) SUSAN: Thank you. Oh, I feel better already. JEAN: Danielle? DANIELLE: Jean. (She begins to light the candles on the table.) JULES: Ah, we have closed the rest of the house and sent the servants away. It is safer. DANIELLE: I expect you'd like a bath and some food. I'll prepare it for you. Jean, will you help me? (Danielle and Jean go out.) JULES: It is not exactly a palace, but you're both welcome here. BARBARA: What can I say? I can't begin to thank you. JULES: Oh, please. I insist you do not even mention it. It is one of my rules. BARBARA: All right. I don't even know your name. JULES: And that is another of my rules. Christian names only. The less my friends and I know, the less we can admit to when questioned. So permit me. I am Jules. BARBARA: Ah, Barbara. And this is Susan. (Danielle and Jean return. The latter is carrying a tray of food.) JULES: This is my sister, Danielle. She's looking after us. This is my young friend, Jean. BARBARA: How do you do. JULES: I expect you're wondering what is going to happen to you. Well, after you have eaten, you must rest. Then tomorrow we will make arrangements to smuggle you away from France. SUSAN: But you can't do that! JULES: Why not? SUSAN: Barbara, grandfather... BARBARA: Yes, and Ian. He's still in the prison. [SCENE_BREAK] 14. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE CELLS, CONCIERGERIE PRISON (The desk is vacant. There is no sign of the jailer. Ian's voice can be heard.) IAN: (Calling.) Jailer! [SCENE_BREAK] 15. IAN'S CELL (Satisfied that the jailer is nowhere near, Ian pulls the key out of his pocket. He puts his hand through the hole in the door and, after a small amount of fumbling, manages to unlock it.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE CELLS (He rushes from the cell and locks the door behind him. He darts to the shadows on the other side of the room and cautiously edges around a corner. He finds the jailer unconscious on the floor. With no time to spare, Ian makes his escape. Shortly afterwards, Lemaitre emerges from hiding and looks to where Ian has gone.) LEMAITRE: Did Webster give you a message for James Stirling or not? We shall see. We shall see. [SCENE_BREAK] 17. SITTING ROOM, JULES RENAN'S HOUSE (Susan, Barbara, Jules, Jean and Danielle have just finished a meal.) SUSAN: I do feel better after that. (Danielle and Jean begin to tidy up.) BARBARA: Here, let me help. DANIELLE: No, Barbara. You stay where you are. Jean and I can manage. BARBARA: Jules? JULES: They can manage. (Danielle and Jean take the dinner things out.) JULES: Now, you both agreed to tell me your story. SUSAN: Yes, what about the map? JULES: Oh, yes. (He produces a map which he unrolls on the table. Jules stands back while Susan and Barbara scrutinise it.) JULES: Here we are. SUSAN: Now according to the sun's position, we were travelling south. BARBARA: Yes, let's see. Forest should be in this area, here. SUSAN: Oh yes. And there was a group of houses, wasn't there? BARBARA: Yes. SUSAN: Yes. That would be the forest. BARBARA: Yes, turn it round this way. SUSAN: OK. BARBARA: Jules, I think we can show you now. (He joins them.) BARBARA: We arrived in this area here. SUSAN: Yes, we walked through the forest, you see. Then we got lost. So we asked our way at a house and... Where was the house? BARBARA: Here it is. SUSAN: Ah. BARBARA: That's where we saw the soldiers, remember? (Jules leans forward with interest at where Barbara is talking about.) JULES: (Worried.) Are you sure? SUSAN: Well, yes. (Jules goes over to the door and calls.) JULES: Jean! BARBARA: What's wrong? SUSAN: (Oblivious.) We didn't find grandfather though. We don't even know if he got away. (Jean returns.) BARBARA: Susan, wait a minute... JULES: Show Jean where you were arrested. (Susan points to the map.) SUSAN: Just here. JULES: Did you meet two men there? BARBARA: Yes. How did you know? JEAN: Their names? BARBARA: D'Argenson... JULES: ...and Rouvray. JEAN: They must have discovered our escape route, Jules! JULES: Hmm, they may have just been unlucky. We'll wait till we've heard from Leon, the route is his responsibility. (To Barbara.) Were d'Argenson and Rouvray brought back with you? BARBARA: No. There was a fight with the soldiers. They were shot. JEAN: (Alarmed.) Soldiers? Jules, this isn't the first time. JULES: Oh, later. [SCENE_BREAK] JEAN: Someone's informing on us! JULES: Later, Jean. SUSAN: You knew those men, didn't you? JULES: Hmm? Yes. Yes, we did. We rescued them as we did you. In their case our effort was wasted. BARBARA: So this isn't the first time you've risked your life? JEAN: Not all Frenchmen can allow innocent people to be led to the guillotine, Barbara. Jules has saved many lives. JULES: It would appear my that luck is running out. JEAN: Luck? Not if what I say is true. JULES: I shall sort it out, Jean. (To Susan.) Now, you say your grandfather was left here. (He points to the map.) SUSAN: Yes, in that house. JULES: Then I shall send someone to search for him as soon as I can. BARBARA: There were four of us all together. Ian, as I've already told you, is still in the prison. JULES: I promise you, I'll give you my word, that I will not rest until the four of you have been brought together again. (Susan collapses into the chair.) BARBARA: Headache again? SUSAN: Ah, yes. It keeps coming and going. JULES: The young lady needs sleep. (He opens the door and calls.) JULES: Danielle! (Barbara helps Susan up as Danielle enters.) BARBARA: But if you could show me where... JULES: Danielle will escort you. DANIELLE: Oh yes, come with me. You look worn out. SUSAN: Thank you. If... if I could just lie down... JULES: Sleep well and have pleasant dreams. SUSAN: Thank you. Goodnight. JULES: Goodnight, Susan. (Danielle takes Susan and Barbara out of the room. Jules and Jean peer over the map. Suddenly they are disturbed by a knocking on the front door. Both draw their pistols and Jules goes to answer it. His voice and the voice of another man can be heard from the hallway.) JEAN: (Relieved.) Oh, Leon. LEON: I'm sorry it's so late but I have a message for Jules. (He enters the sitting room.) JULES: Leon! It's good to see you. (They shake hands as Jean enters behind.) JEAN: D'Argenson and Rouvray were taken! LEON: What? JULES: Not now, Jean. Well Leon, what's wrong? LEON: There is a man - a stranger. He's been asking for you. JULES: Oh? (Leon takes a seat.) LEON: He's being watched. He's by the inn near the prison. Well, we thought you should know. JULES: Yes, thank you. We'll take care of it. (Leon stands as Barbara returns.) JULES: Oh Barbara, this is a good friend of mine, Leon. (To Leon.) Barbara. She's here with a young friend. They're staying with us for a few days. BARBARA: (To Leon.) I'm pleased to meet you. (Leon takes Barbara's hand and kisses it.) LEON: The pleasure is all mine. JULES: We're slipping out for a while, Barbara. It won't be for long. LEON: I'll take good care of her, Jules. (Jules and Jean go to the door, but Jean seems slightly disturbed at the prospect of leaving Barbara and Leon together.) JULES: Come, Jean. Don't delay. (They exit. Barbara sits down.) LEON: Perhaps you'd care for some wine? BARBARA: Yes. Thank you. (Leon pours her and himself glasses.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE CELLS, CONCIERGERIE PRISON (The jailer is drinking from a bottle. His head is bandaged. The Doctor's voice is heard calling from outside.) DOCTOR: Let me in, you fools! I could have you shot at dawn. Get it open, will you? (The jailer puts down the bottle and stumbles to his feet but someone has got to the door first.) DOCTOR: Ah, that's better. Thank you. Open again? You don't want all the prisoners to escape, do you? (The jailer rounds the corner to see the Doctor in his full 'officer of the provinces' uniform.) DOCTOR: Who is in charge of this prison, hmm? (He sees the jailer.) DOCTOR: Well, speak up, my man! JAILER: (Awed.) I am, citizen. DOCTOR: My credentials. (The Doctor hands the jailer a piece of paper. The jailer unravels it but the Doctor snatches it back before he can read it.) DOCTOR: And while we are about it, why wasn't I met, hmm? Do you realise that I walked through the whole of Paris without a guard? Me? JAILER: We would have arrange an escort had we been advised of your... DOCTOR: You were advised! I forwarded the communication myself. What if Robespierre hears about this? JAILER: Robespierre? Why, I don't think you should worry the first deputy, citizen. He's a very busy man. I am at your service, citizen. Anything you wish to know... DOCTOR: Very well. Very well. Thank you. Yes. You seem a capable man and I'm sure this misunderstanding is none of your doing. JAILER: Oh, indeed citizen. I am most conscientious. But, when you're assisted by idiots... DOCTOR: Of course. Of course. And I'm glad we understand each other. JAILER: Fetch some wine, citizen? DOCTOR: No. Thank you. (The jailer goes over to the desk.) JAILER: I... I would deem it a privilege if I could be of help. DOCTOR: Thank you, citizen! It's all perfectly simple. Three traitors were brought here: a man, a woman and a young child. They fled from my province. I'm sure you remember them? JAILER: Ah, yes. Ah, yes. Ah... DOCTOR: Well? If they're still here... JAILER: The women were dispatched to the guillotine. (The Doctor is unable to stop his face falling.) JAILER: Unfortunately, there was a rescue. DOCTOR: What? By whom? JAILER: We don't know! Many times traitors have been snatched away on the road to the guillotine. You understand, of course, that I cannot be held responsible? DOCTOR: (Thoughtfully.) Yes. JAILER: They were outside my jurisdiction. DOCTOR: Yes. Of course. Of course. A... a... and the man? You...you haven't mentioned him. JAILER: No. Well, the man, ah... well, umm... DOCTOR: (Impatiently.) Well come along. Out with it man. JAILER: He escaped! He was a desperate fanatic, citizen. He gave me this wound. (He lifts his bandage and shows the Doctor.) JAILER: I fought with him, prepared to give my life to stop his escape. But, he fought with the strength of ten men! DOCTOR: Yes, yes, yes. I believe what you say. I'm sure you did the best you could. It's a pity you're surrounded by such fools. JAILER: Exactly citizen, exactly. DOCTOR: (Musing.) Yes. All three of them are somewhere in Paris. JAILER: They will be caught, you may rest assured. DOCTOR: Yes. Yes. What? Oh, of course. Yes, yes. Of course. Of course. Well, I'll take up no more of your time, citizen. (He moves towards the exit but his way is blocked by Lemaitre who has been listening in for a while now.) JAILER: Lemaitre. Ah... ah... the citizen here has been enquiring... LEMAITRE: Yes. I heard what was said. (To the Doctor.) Your papers, citizen? (The Doctor gives them to him and he unfolds them and reads.) JAILER: He's a regional officer from the southern province. LEMAITRE: I can read. Thank you jailer. (He studies the papers for a few moments more before handing them back to the Doctor.) LEMAITRE: And where are you going now, citizen? DOCTOR: Well, ah... home. LEMAITRE: It's rather late. It would perhaps be better if you journeyed tomorrow. DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, I could do that. LEMAITRE: You see, I'm taking the execution lists to the first deputy's palace and, by a coincidence if you like, your province is going to be discussed. It would be a great help if you were on hand to answer any difficult questions that crop up. DOCTOR: A great help. Very well. LEMAITRE: I promise you will find it most interesting. (The jailer hands him the execution list.) LEMAITRE: Come. We must not keep Citizen Robespierre waiting. (Faced with no alternative, the Doctor follows Lemaitre from the prison.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19. SITTING ROOM, JULES RENAN'S HOUSE (Barbara and Leon are talking.) LEON: Where do you come from, Barbara? BARBARA: Oh, does it matter? LEON: No. I'd just like to know. BARBARA: Well, I don't think you'll like the answer. I was born in England so that makes us enemies. LEON: Does it? I prefer to think that it means you have no interest in France or the Revolution. BARBARA: That's a strange thing to say. LEON: Perhaps I'll explain, one day. (They both rise.) BARBARA: Well, I think I'd better go and see if Susan's all right. (Without a word, Leon goes over and opens the door for her to leave through. He then goes back over and leans on the mantelpiece, drinking from his wine glass.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE CELLS, CONCIERGERIE PRISON (The jailer is being interrogated by a mysterious figure.) JAILER: But I keep telling you, he's just left to see Citizen Robespierre. Are you sure it's so urgent? (The man nods.) JAILER: Well, what is it about? (The man is none other than the shopkeeper the Doctor encountered earlier.) SHOPKEEPER: I want to give him this. (He holds up the Doctor's ring.) JAILER: What is it? SHOPKEEPER: Evidence against a traitor!

Plan: A: Paris; Q: Where does the TARDIS land? A: 1794 - one; Q: What year does the TARDIS land in? A: the French Revolution of 1789; Q: What event was the French Revolution? A: prisoners; Q: What are the travelers rescuing from the guillotine? A: James Stirling - alias Lemaitre; Q: Who is the English undercover spy? A: governor; Q: What was James Stirling's position at the prison? A: the Conciergerie prison; Q: What is the name of the prison? Summary: The TARDIS materialises not far from Paris in 1794 - one of the bloodiest years following the French Revolution of 1789. The travellers become involved with an escape chain rescuing prisoners from the guillotine and get caught up in the machinations of an English undercover spy, James Stirling - alias Lemaitre, governor of the Conciergerie prison.

5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. DRAHVIN SPACESHIP. AIRLOCK (STEVEN is now much the worse for wear. His mouth is wide open and gasping for air.) MAAGA: (Over intercom.) Why do you not give up, Earthman? STEVEN: (Gasping.) I'd rather face the Chumblies than you any day. (STEVEN gets up and staggers to the wall, activating the switch to open the outer door. MAAGA laughs.) MAAGA: (Over intercom.) That will not work now. The pressure has locked the door. (STEVEN tries desperately to activate the switch.) MAAGA: (Over intercom.) You must surrender, or die! (The dial is now very low. It drops further. STEVEN starts to slide down against the wall.) [SCENE_BREAK] (STEVEN gasps for breath.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: EXT. DRAHVIN SPACESHIP (The DOCTOR, VICKI and the CHUMBLIES moves toward the spaceship. One of the machines carries a spherical bomb-like object.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. DRAHVIN SPACESHIP (The DRAHVINS continue to watch STEVEN in the airlock.) DRAHVIN TWO: He cannot live much longer, Maaga. Soon he will die. MAAGA: We do not wish him dead. DRAHVIN TWO: But he is our enemy! MAAGA: Also our hostage. (DRAHVIN THREE runs from the observation window.) DRAHVIN THREE: Machine with bomb approaching! MAAGA: Quick! Take cover! (As she speaks, a projectile crashes through the porthole and lands on the floor and immediately begins to discharge a thick cloud of ammonia.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: EXT. DRAHVIN SPACESHIP (STEVEN appears at the window, near collapse.) RILL VOICE: Stand clear! (VICKI and the DOCTOR stand back. A CHUMBLEY fires its gun at the door. The door flies open, there is a hissing of air, and STEVEN tumbles out.) RILL VOICE: All right, it's safe now. (The DOCTOR and VICKI rush over to STEVEN who lies on the ground, gasping for breath.) VICKI: Steven! DOCTOR: Come along, my boy! (They start to help the young man up.) VICKI: Steven! DOCTOR: Up on your feet! VICKI: Oh... DOCTOR: Quickly! Come on, come on, come on! Ah. (STEVEN is virtually held up by the two but is still struggling to get his breath back.) DOCTOR: Oh, put your head down. Now breathe deeply! VICKI: They nearly killed him in there. DOCTOR: Come along! VICKI: Come on, let's get away from there in case they come out. (They start to help STEVEN away from the ship.) DOCTOR: Steady. Take it easy. You're with friends. VICKI: Are you all right? DOCTOR: Yes, and thanks to the Chumblies - they did the trick. I don't know what those Drahvins were going to think. Ah. (To STEVEN.) Come on. Keep breathing. Keep breathing. In and out. In and out. Come along! (STEVEN continues to gasp for air.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. DRAHVIN SPACESHIP (The DRAHVINS are standing before a furious MAAGA. All are coughing from the effects of the gas.) MAAGA: Guns ready. (The DRAHVINS bring up their guns.) MAAGA: Door. (DRAHVIN TWO runs over and presses the button.) MAAGA: After them, and kill! (They head for the opening door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: EXT. DRAHVIN SPACESHIP (The DOCTOR and his group are still relatively near to the ship and STEVEN is sat on the ground, still trying to get his breathing back to normal.) DOCTOR: Be all right in a minute. (The DRAHVINS surge out of the airlock.) RILL VOICE: Stop! (The DRAHVINS come to a halt as they see the CHUMBLIES ray-run pointing at them.) RILL VOICE: If you move at all, we shall fire! Do not mistake our intention. You will not interfere! (The DRAHVINS remain still.) RILL VOICE: Doctor, please lead your party away. DOCTOR: I certainly will. (To STEVEN.) Can you walk? STEVEN: (Whispers.) Yes, my legs are... DOCTOR: Come on, my boy, on your feet. Come along! (STEVEN clambers to his feet and the DOCTOR points in one direction.) DOCTOR: That way! That way! Come on! (With VICKI helping STEVEN, they move off with a CHUMBLEY escorting them.) DOCTOR: (To STEVEN.) Keep breathing hard, in and out. (One of the other CHUMBLIES stands guard over MAAGA and the three DRAHVINS.) RILL VOICE: Maaga, you will take your soldiers back into the ship, and you will stay there. Until now we have spared you, although you have attacked us time and time again. But we will always defend our friends. MAAGA: (Scornfully.) Friends! RILL VOICE: We will prevent any attempt on your part to leave the ship. I am resolute! Now go back into your spaceship. MAAGA: You have polluted the air with your bomb! RILL VOICE: It will have cleared by now. The ammonia bomb was only a warning. Go inside. (MAAGA turns, realizing that for now, she is powerless.) MAAGA: (Softly.) Come. (The DRAHVINS re-enter their spaceship. The CHUMBLEY stands watch outside.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. DRAHVIN SPACESHIP (Inside the ship, the inner airlock door is closed. MAAGA crosses to a porthole and looks out.) MAAGA: It's still there. DRAHVIN TWO: We cannot escape. MAAGA: Quiet! DRAHVIN ONE: But Maaga, we... MAAGA: We cannot escape yet! But we will. No Drahvin is defeated until dead. Is that so? DRAHVINS: (In unison.) Yes, Maaga. MAAGA: We are still alive. It depends how long that machine will be. (To DRAHVIN ONE.) You failed in your mission of patrol. DRAHVIN ONE: (Fearfully.) I was outnumbered. MAAGA: You will be dealt with. Failure is never tolerated. (To DRAHVIN THREE.) You - does the forward hatch still work? DRAHVIN THREE: Yes, Maaga. MAAGA: Silently? DRAHVIN THREE: Yes, Maaga. MAAGA: It is now dim light. Soon it will be night. The last night...this planet will ever know. We must capture the Rill spaceship before then. When I give the order, you will steal silently through the forward hatch. You will then creep round behind the Rills' machine. Understood? DRAHVIN THREE: Yes, Maaga. MAAGA: And you will destroy it. [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. THE RILL CENTRE. CENTRAL CHAMBER (The DOCTOR, STEVEN, and VICKI enter the chamber. The DOCTOR immediately moves across to where the cable is with a CHUMBLEY. STEVEN smells the air.) STEVEN: Ugh! VICKI: It's that ammoniac gas we were telling you about. STEVEN: I'd rather they breathed it than me. (VICKI leaves STEVEN and moves across to the DOCTOR.) VICKI: Doctor? DOCTOR: Hmm? VICKI: There can't be a lot of time left now, is there? DOCTOR: About six hours, child. (To the CHUMBLEY.) Have you finished that conversion? RILL VOICE: Yes, we have. But it will take some time to transfer the power of your ship to ours. DOCTOR: Oh, nonsense, nonsense! RILL VOICE: We are concerned for your safety. VICKI: And we're concerned for yours. DOCTOR: Oh, indeed, that's very noble of you all. It's a matter of urgency. Come along. Let's have the cable in please at once. RILL VOICE: Very well. DOCTOR: Quickly! Quickly! (The cable is dragged along by the CHUMBLEY.) DOCTOR: Quickly, child. Here. Yes, that'll do. Splendid! STEVEN: What is going on, Doctor? DOCTOR: Mmm? STEVEN: What are you trying to do? DOCTOR: I'm going to transfer some power from my ship into the interior of the Rill ship here. STEVEN: Oh, I see. DOCTOR: Now if you suspect there's any trouble whilst I'm working, I want you to contact me at once, understood? STEVEN: Do you want me to stay here? DOCTOR: Yes, I want you to stay here with the leader of the Rills and try and have some rest. Get some! (STEVEN silently protests.) DOCTOR: So, contain yourself. (STEVEN gives in.) DOCTOR: Now then. Right! Off you go. VICKI: Can I come with you, Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes, child, if you wish. Come along! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! VICKI: See you later, Steven. DOCTOR: Come along! (The DOCTOR and VICKI leave with a cable-carrying CHUMBLEY. STEVEN walks around the chamber.) RILL VOICE: You have not gone with your friends. (STEVEN looks at the CHUMBLEY from where the RILL VOICE came from. His manner shows that he is still suspicious of these new life forms.) STEVEN: (Curtly.) No. (STEVEN walks round the chamber examining its detail. There is a long and awkward silence.) RILL VOICE: You are interested in our place? STEVEN: Yes, quite. (He looks round a moment longer, then...) STEVEN: So the Doctor trusts you? RILL VOICE: Why shouldn't he? STEVEN: No reason. I suppose you gave the right "ethical" reasons for him, so naturally he does trust you. RILL VOICE: We rescued you from the Drahvins, but you still don't trust us? STEVEN: Oh, you could be the same as them - using us for your own salvation. RILL VOICE: The Doctor offered to help us. We needed his help. STEVEN: (Laughs.) So did the Drahvins. RILL VOICE: What are you getting at? STEVEN: Nothing. (He paces...) RILL VOICE: Yes, you are. (...and stops.) STEVEN: All right. You said it would take hours to charge this ship properly. RILL VOICE: The Doctor said he could do it in time. STEVEN: Yes, but supposing, just this once, you're right, and he's wrong. Would you take us with you, or would you allow us to leave in our own ship? RILL VOICE: In your own ship, if possible. STEVEN: (In disbelief.) Come off it! I mean, if you don't get this charged in time, you aren't going to let us go just like that. RILL VOICE: We are strange beings to you. You've never met anything like us. You come from Earth - a planet we don't know - but clearly it is a planet which still knows conflict. STEVEN: Uh huh? So? RILL VOICE: If we are right and the power-charge is going to take too long a time, then the Doctor, the girl, and you must leave. We believe in self-preservation. STEVEN: (Sarcastically.) Huh yeah, I'm sure... RILL VOICE: But if there is a choice, the Doctor must go. He travels further than we can. And everything he has shown he stands for, is what we believe in - so it is better that he goes. (STEVEN considers these words. His tone is then apologetic.) STEVEN: Oh, I'm sorry. You can't blame me, though, for being suspicious. In that case, there's something you ought to know. Whilst I was in the Drahvin ship, they said they intended to leave this planet in yours. RILL VOICE: We are prepared to take them with us. STEVEN: Ha, that's not what they mean. They take your ship, you stay here! RILL VOICE: We must hope they do not succeed. STEVEN: Yes, well, there's so little time left. They're going to be desperate. I'll tell you what - why not let me fix the cable for you at this end? RILL VOICE: Thank you! The machine will help you. It will be quicker. (STEVEN starts to walk off.) STEVEN: It's got to be! (STEVEN takes the cable and starts to commence work.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. DRAHVIN SPACESHIP (DRAHVIN THREE is opening a hatch in one of the walls. MAAGA stands nearby.) DRAHVIN THREE: I'm ready, Maaga. MAAGA: Then go. (She puts a heavy iron bar into DRAHVIN THREE'S hands.) MAAGA: And do not fail! DRAHVIN THREE: I shall not. (She exits through the hatch.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. DRAHVIN SPACESHIP (DRAHVIN THREE emerges and drops silently to the ground. She pauses, grasps the bar firmly, looks about, then moves off. The hatch door is closed again from within. At the other side of the ship, the CHUMBLEY stands guard, unaware of what has just occurred.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: EXT. PLANET (The DOCTOR and VICKI approach the TARDIS, followed by the CHUMBLEY, the cable snaking out behind him. The DOCTOR moves to the door of the police box and searches for his key. VICKI looks around.) VICKI: It's getting darker, Doctor. DOCTOR: Hmm? Oh, it's nothing to worry about, my dear. I think the evenings last here for about...four hours. (The DOCTOR finds his key and opens the door. VICKI looks out across the planet's surface.) VICKI: Strange... DOCTOR: Hmm? VICKI: To think that at dawn all this will explode into nothing. DOCTOR: No, not just... nothing, child. Hydrogen gas that...springs itself out like molten silver against the other stars in the same galaxy. Hmm. (Laughs.) Yes, well, let's have the cable, please. (The cable is passed to him and he enters the TARDIS.) DOCTOR: (OOV: Inside the TARDIS.) Oh...good. [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. DRAHVIN SPACESHIP (DRAHVIN ONE and DRAHVIN TWO are seated at the table. MAAGA stares out through a porthole.) MAAGA: She's out of sight. DRAHVIN ONE: She will die...willingly. MAAGA: (Coldly.) She will not die until she has destroyed the machine. DRAHVIN TWO: Will we escape, Maaga? MAAGA: Yes, when we have destroyed the machine we will escape! (As she speaks, the ship rocks violently.) DRAHVIN TWO: Oh! What is happening? (MAAGA starts to show fear and desperation as the temporary quake subsides.) MAAGA: It's first warning of the explosion. We have only five hours left. She must act quickly! [SCENE_BREAK] 13. EXT. DRAHVIN SPACESHIP (Undetected, DRAHVIN THREE creeps towards the CHUMBLEY. She comes up behind it and, raising the bar high over her head, brings it crashing down with murderous force. The machine gives out a note of alarm which dies down.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. PLANET (NIGHT) (Night has fallen. The cable leads from the open door of the TARDIS out across the landscape. A CHUMBLEY stands on guard.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. THE RILL CENTRE. CENTRAL CHAMBER (NIGHT) (The cable runs from the passageway into the chamber. The DOCTOR and VICKI have arrived back.) STEVEN: Well, it's all fixed up here, Doctor. Any snags at the TARDIS? DOCTOR: Everything under control, my dear boy. STEVEN: Oh good. Good. DOCTOR: (To the CHUMBLEY.) Switch on your motors, please. RILL VOICE: Start control! Full intake! Cable guard stand by! (An electronic humming fills the air.) VICKI: Is that the power being transferred? DOCTOR: Yes, it is, my dear. VICKI: How long will it take? DOCTOR: Oh, three to four hours, I think. STEVEN: Oh, but this planet's due to explode in less than five hours. DOCTOR: (Annoyed.) I fully appreciate that fact, young man. (The DOCTOR is cut short by an alarm sound from one of the CHUMBLIES.) VICKI: There's that alarm again. STEVEN: Oh, what's happened now? (A CHUMBLEY moves toward them. The DOCTOR turns round.) RILL VOICE: Quiet please! Emergency message coming through! The Drahvins have escaped and destroyed the Chumbley outside their spaceship! VICKI: Oh, no! DOCTOR: And the Chumbley outside my TARDIS? RILL VOICE: In the position he has taken up he is in no danger. Continue, Doctor. DOCTOR: Thank you, thank you. RILL VOICE: There will be no more incidents. STEVEN: Oh, they won't go after the TARDIS anyway, Doctor. (STEVEN looks at their surroundings.) STEVEN: It's this ship they want - and us. [SCENE_BREAK] 16: EXT. DRAHVIN SPACESHIP (NIGHT) (MAAGA, DRAHVIN ONE, and DRAHVIN TWO climb through the hatch. MAAGA looks round, peering into the night. DRAHVIN THREE moves to join her.) MAAGA: You have done well. DRAHVIN THREE: Thank you, Maaga. MAAGA: I will see that you are mentioned. Did you see any other machines? DRAHVIN THREE: The only one there I destroyed. MAAGA: Good. DRAHVIN THREE: It will not move again. MAAGA: We are going to attack the Rill spaceship. You will follow close behind me. Understood? DRAHVINS: (In unison.) Yes, Maaga. MAAGA: When we get nearer, I will give you further orders. Come. (They move off across the planet, holding their guns at the ready.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. THE RILL CENTRE. CENTRAL CHAMBER (NIGHT) (STEVEN is very agitated and looking round in concern.) DOCTOR: Oh, do stop worrying, dear boy, and stand still. RILL VOICE: Stand still. (The DOCTOR, STEVEN, and VICKI stand still as the CHUMBLIES stream this way and that.) STEVEN: Look, Doctor, I know exactly what they intend to do. And as soon as they see this cable, they're going destroy it! RILL VOICE: Do not worry. I am prepared for that. DOCTOR: Splendid! Splendid! Is the power still coming through? RILL VOICE: It is. STEVEN: (Impatiently.) And how long's it going to take? RILL VOICE: Another two hours, at least. STEVEN: (Impatiently.) Oh... DOCTOR: That should be enough. VICKI: Just. STEVEN: Look, isn't it possible to charge any faster? DOCTOR: Utterly impossible, dear boy. There's great danger of the panel blowing. STEVEN: Yes, well, we're going to be lucky to get back to the TARDIS in time. DOCTOR: Mmm? STEVEN: Well the Drahvins are still out to get us. RILL VOICE: Do not worry. We will ensure that you return safely to your ship. (VICKI tilts her head as she hears the sound of gun-fire outside. She moves toward the exit.) VICKI: Look! It's ... STEVEN: Well, they don't waste time, do they? (The hissing of guns grows louder, then drops a little. Suddenly DRAHVIN THREE enters the chamber and points her gun at STEVEN and VICKI, who are standing apart from the DOCTOR who is by the door to the RILLS' chamber.) DRAHVIN THREE: Stand still! (VICKI and STEVEN stand frozen with fear. The DOCTOR goes to move toward them, but before he can move, the RILLS' door opens and the CHUMBLEY pushes him through. DRAHVIN THREE still has VICKI and STEVEN in her sight.) DRAHVIN THREE: You have escaped once - you will not do so again. STEVEN: And be killed? DRAHVIN THREE: Death does not frighten me. I die a warrior Drahvin. (She starts to pull the trigger. As she does so, a CHUMBLEY chitters in from one of the passageways and as it does so, it fires. DRAHVIN THREE stiffens, as though paralyzed for a moment, then crumples to the floor.) VICKI: Oh, Steven. STEVEN: What have you done? RILL VOICE: Do not worry, she is completely paralyzed. I told you there would be no further incidents. (VICKI suddenly realizes that the DOCTOR is not with them.) VICKI: (Concerned.) Doctor? Where's the Doctor? (STEVEN sees him through the partition to the RILLS' chamber.) STEVEN: Oh, there he is. DOCTOR: Hello, I'm in here. Come in. Come in. RILL VOICE: You may enter. But be prepared for a shock. (VICKI looks at STEVEN.) VICKI: Do you think we ought to go in? DOCTOR: Come along. Come along. Come along. (STEVEN and VICKI move toward the door, followed by the CHUMBLEY.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: EXT. PLANET (NIGHT) (MAAGA, DRAHVIN ONE, and DRAHVIN TWO are on a ridge, resting. MAAGA looks around. DRAHVIN TWO is keeping watch.) MAAGA: We've driven them off. DRAHVIN ONE: But we have not destroyed one. MAAGA: Don't worry, we will. (DRAHVIN TWO suddenly points.) DRAHVIN TWO: More machines! MAAGA: Again! (Several CHUMBLIES move across the landscape. MAAGA and the DRAHVINS fire uselessly at them.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. THE RILL CENTRE. INNER CHAMBER (NIGHT) (Behind a glass partition are the four RILLS. They are enveloped in a dense, smoky gas and resemble hideous warthog-like creatures. The DOCTOR turns as VICKI and STEVEN enter the chamber.) RILL VOICE: Now you know what we look like. DOCTOR: I do. And I, for one, am glad of it. RILL VOICE: We apologize for the glass partition, but you will understand we must keep our atmosphere in here. DOCTOR: Yes, of course, of course. RILL VOICE: Our appearance shocks you? DOCTOR: Not now. I must admit, it did at first. STEVEN: Well, I don't see why the Drahvins should hate you. VICKI: I know. I mean, after all, we must look...just as strange to you. RILL VOICE: To the Drahvins, we are ugly, so they become frightened. DOCTOR: You are different from us, of course, but at least you are intelligent. STEVEN: Yes, what di...difference does it make what your form is? DOCTOR: Importance lies in the character and to what use you put this intelligence. We respect you as we respect all life. (Without warning, VICKI stumbles. STEVEN catches her.) STEVEN: Doctor! DOCTOR: What's the matter, my child? Hmm? VICKI: I suddenly feel terribly ill. STEVEN: It's the ammoniac gas escaping. DOCTOR: Oh dear, dear, dear, yes, I... RILL VOICE: You had better return to the other chamber. Our atmosphere is not good for you. DOCTOR: Ah, yes, thank you. (He gestures to STEVEN to help VICKI outside.) DOCTOR: (To STEVEN.) Young man. Young man. VICKI: (Sadly.) I suppose we won't meet again. RILL VOICE: It is improbable. VICKI: Goodbye. RILL VOICE: Goodbye. (They leave the inner chamber.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. THE RILL CENTRE. CENTRAL CHAMBER (NIGHT) STEVEN: How much longer, Doctor? DOCTOR: One hour. STEVEN: And how long till the explosion? DOCTOR: One hour...and a half. STEVEN: Hmm. (STEVEN considers this.) STEVEN: Let's hope no more Drahvins get in here. [SCENE_BREAK] 21: EXT. PLANET (NIGHT) (MAAGA, DRAHVIN ONE, and DRAHVIN TWO take cover on top of the ridge. The CHUMBLIES fire on them, and they fire back but to no avail. MAAGA throws her gun to the ground in frustration and despair.) MAAGA: Oh, it's no good! Our guns can't harm them! DRAHVIN ONE: Then we must use bars, as Three did! (She looks around, then points.) MAAGA: No, we will go that way. Head for the spaceship part of the building. We must concentrate on that. Come. (The DRAHVINS nod and set off. MAAGA retrieves her gun and in desperation fires again at the CHUMBLIES.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. THE RILL CENTRE. CENTRAL CHAMBER (NIGHT) STEVEN: It can't take much longer! DOCTOR: Oh, patience, dear boy, patience! VICKI: Dawn will be here in half an hour now. STEVEN: Yes, and when dawn comes this planet explodes like a bomb! DOCTOR: Oh, really, you two! Huh, huh. (Suddenly there is a high-pitched sound that echoes twice across the chamber.) VICKI: What's that? What is it? DOCTOR: Ah! That is a signal that the spaceship is now fully charged, unless I'm very much mistaken. STEVEN: Well and about time, too. RILL VOICE: You are right, Doctor. We are ready to disconnect. (A CHUMBLEY glides forward to carry out this task.) DOCTOR: Oh, good, good. Now, er, you have sufficient power? RILL VOICE: Enough to get us well out into space, where we can recharge from a sun. DOCTOR: Splendid. Splendid. Then I don't think there's any more for us to do. We will go. (A CHUMBLEY glides forward.) RILL VOICE: A Chumbley will escort you back to your ship. DOCTOR: And yourself? RILL VOICE: We will wait until you are safely there. DOCTOR: Oh, we shall be quite all right. It is you that needs to be out of range, not us. The moment I start my motors, we shall be out of range in time. We need...we don't need space. VICKI: Go now, please. RILL VOICE: Very well. In a moment we shall leave here and enter the ship. From that time we will not be able to talk with you. The Chumbley with you will escort you back to your ship. He will protect you and obey your commands. Once you have gone he will destroy himself. VICKI: (Horrified.) No! RILL VOICE: It will be painless. Merely putting itself out of action. DOCTOR: Yes, I think I understand, and thank you very much. RILL VOICE: It is easy to help others when they are so willing to help you. Though we are beings of separate planets, you from the solar system and we from another space, our ways of thought, at times, do not seem all that different. It has been an honour to know you and serve you. VICKI: Good luck. RILL VOICE: Thank you. We shall give you time to get clear before we take off. Now we are going. Goodbye. We wish you well! (An engine noise starts, and the chamber trembles.) DOCTOR: (Excitedly.) They've started the motors! STEVEN: Yes, and we've got less than half an hour, Doctor. DOCTOR: (Excitedly.) Yes, you're quite right. Quickly! Quickly! Come! Come! (They rush from the chamber.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: EXT. THE RILL CENTRE (DAWN) (Dirty and disheveled, MAAGA, DRAHVIN ONE, and DRAHVIN TWO arrive at the RILL centre. The area is deserted.) DRAHVIN ONE: Where are the machines? DRAHVIN TWO: There are none! MAAGA: Listen! (There is a humming sound which gradually increases to a roar.) MAAGA: (Horrified.) They're escaping! (The area is bathed in light as the RILL ship surges upwards.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: EXT. THE RILL CENTRE (Nearby the DOCTOR, STEVEN, and VICKI are looking up into the sky, also bathed in the flickering light, and deafened by the roaring of the spaceship's engines.) STEVEN: There they go! DOCTOR: Isn't it amazing? What a wonderful sight! Oh! (The DOCTOR appears lost in thought. VICKI, mindful of how little time is left, urges the DOCTOR on.) VICKI: Doctor! DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, of course. (They turn away as the roaring gradually fades away. MAAGA and the DRAHVINS see the DOCTOR, STEVEN, and VICKI.) MAAGA: (Frantically.) The Earth people! We can catch them! [SCENE_BREAK] 25: EXT. PLANET (The DOCTOR, STEVEN, and VICKI hasten across the landscape. A CHUMBLEY chitters about them. Suddenly the CHUMBLEY stops, turns around, and fires as the DRAHVINS attack. There is a bright flash and the DRAHVINS fling themselves to the ground.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: EXT. PLANET (STEVEN and VICKI run towards the TARDIS, clearly out of breath. VICKI is limping.) STEVEN: Come on, Doc! (The DOCTOR runs up, panting for breath. The CHUMBLEY is just behind him. He pushes open the door and they go in, avoiding the cable that leads away from the ship. STEVEN comes out again with the end of the cable and throws it to the ground.) STEVEN: Here they come! (The door closes again. The DRAHVINS rush towards the ship, their guns blazing. It is getting lighter now. The TARDIS gradually dematerializes. MAAGA and the DRAHVINS stagger back, horrified. The planet starts to shake, more violently than ever. MAAGA and the DRAHVINS look around, fear etched on their faces. As the planet begins to break up, the noise is deafening...) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR is busy manipulating the controls of the ship. STEVEN and VICKI are looking very relieved at their escape.) STEVEN: Can we see the disintegration on the scanner, Doctor? DOCTOR: No, I'm afraid not, dear boy. We've dematerialized from that galaxy... (VICKI still looks up at the scanner and then groans. The DOCTOR watches her and moves to join her.) VICKI: Oh! DOCTOR: ...a long time ago. VICKI: Oh! DOCTOR: What's the matter, child, hmm? VICKI: I've hurt my ankle. (The DOCTOR looks over her ankle.) DOCTOR: Oh...yes, I'm afraid we shall...yes, we'll have to put a cold compress on that. Oh dear, dear, dear! You know, I wish we could stop somewhere for a while and take stock of ourselves, instead of being surrounded by dangers all the time. (The DOCTOR smiles and turns to STEVEN.) DOCTOR: Just put that, uh, switch forward, would you? Thank you. (STEVEN does so. The DOCTOR turns back to VICKI who is looking up at the scanner. Its image changes from one of many stars to one particular planet.) VICKI: Look at that planet. I wonder what's going on there? DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, I wonder, hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] 28: EXT. JUNGLE (On the planet, in the midst of a dense jungle lies a man - GARVEY. Dressed in a military style tunic and covered in dirt and grime, he appears to be unconscious. The air is filled with the sounds of the animal life and, suddenly, there is one cry louder and closer than the rest. This rouses GARVEY into consciousness. He opens his eyes and sits up, looking round in terror. Then he cries out, as if in pain, and presses his hands to his temples. His face creases up in agony but then clears. He then smiles and rises to his feet, unholstering a gun from his belt.) GARVEY: I remember now. I must...I must kill. I must kill. I must kill...

Plan: A: Vicki; Q: Who nicknames the robot drones "Chumblies"? A: an arid planet; Q: What kind of planet do the Doctor, Vicki, and Steven arrive on? A: the beautiful Drahvins; Q: Who do the Doctor, Vicki and Steven meet on the arid planet? A: the hideous Rills; Q: Who are the hideous aliens? A: space; Q: Where did the confrontation between the Drahvins and the Rills take place? A: dull-witted, cloned soldiers; Q: What are the Drahvins? A: the intelligent, warlike matriarch Maaga; Q: Who is the leader of the Drahvins? A: the oxygen atmosphere; Q: What can't the Rills breathe? A: their aid; Q: What does Maaga refuse? A: disintegration; Q: What is the planet on the point of? A: the Doctor; Q: Who allows the Rills to draw power from the TARDIS? A: their fate; Q: What do the Rills leave the Drahvins to? Summary: Missing episode The Doctor, Vicki and Steven arrive on an arid planet where they meet the beautiful Drahvins and the hideous Rills. Each has crash-landed after a confrontation in space. The Rills are friendly, compassionate explorers. The Drahvins are dull-witted, cloned soldiers, terrorised by the intelligent, warlike matriarch Maaga. Both ships are damaged. The Drahvins' craft is irreparable, but the Rills' is almost ready to take off. Although unable to breathe the oxygen atmosphere, they employ efficient robot drones, which Vicki nicknames "Chumblies". Despite numerous offers by the Rills to take Maaga and her crew to safety, she refuses their aid. When the planet is discovered to be on the point of disintegration, Maaga tries to force the time travellers to help her steal the Rills' ship and kill the Rills. Instead, the Doctor allows the Rills to draw power from the TARDIS to refuel and escape, leaving the Drahvins to their fate.

LUCAS: (v.o) Previously on One Tree Hill. [EXT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - FRONT DOOR - EVENING] (Ellie stands at the door with Peyton.) ELLIE: I'm your mother. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE DOCK - DAY] (Peyton is talking to her father.) PEYTON: Is this woman my mother? LARRY: Your mom is gone, Peyton, but... your biological mother is alive. (Peyton gapes at him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL - THE PARK - DAY] (Ellie and a shifty looking guy are secretly exchanging money and drugs.) LUCAS: (v.o) I saw her buying drugs in the park today. I'm sorry. (Lucas watches them with his mouth open.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BROOKE'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - DAY] (Brooke and Mouth are sitting on her bed.) BROOKE: (Shocked) You and Erica broke up? MOUTH: She got popular. (Nods) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE BEACH - EVENING] (Haley and Nathan stand on the beach, a little way apart from everyone else.) HALEY: I love you. NATHAN: I really don't know when I'm gonna be ready for us again. Or even if... if I'll be ready for us at all. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROE RESIDENCE - LUCAS' BEDROOM - DAY] (Brooke takes clothes out of the closet whilst talking to Lucas.) BROOKE: We could totally have a summer-like fling, just in the fall. And... non-exclusive. (Looks at him carefully.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE BEACH - THE PARTY - EVENING] (Lucas stands in front of Brooke whilst she's with a bunch of lifeguards.) LUCAS: I'm the guy for you, Brooke Davis. (Pause) You'll see. (Brooke smiles at him, shocked.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROE RESIDENCE - LUCAS' BEDROOM - EVENING] (Close-up of the charred piece of paper.) DAN: (v.o) Three months ago, someone tried to kill me. (Shot of Lucas' face.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAN SCOTT MOTORS - DAN'S OFFICE - EVENING] (Fire covers the dealership.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE BEACH - EVENING] (Dan stands a way off, unseen by the people enjoying the party. He watches Lucas and Haley talking and laughing behind the bonfire.) DAN: (v.o) And when I find out who did this to me, and I will find out soon. (He pauses as he sees Lucas' form behind the flames and his memory kicks in.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAN SCOTT MOTORS - DAN'S OFFICE - EVENING] (Lucas's face comes into focus as he stands there, evil gleam in his eyes.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE BEACH - EVENING] (Dan stands on the platform, watching Lucas with betrayal shining in his eyes.) DAN: (v.o) The sins I commit then could turn this place to rubble(!) (Dan squeezes the glass too hard and it shatters under the grip. The camera pans up to his disbelieving face.) FADE TO BLACK: END OF PREVIOUSLY ON: OPENING CREDITS ROLL: [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - THE ROOF - EVENING] (Focus on the view from over the wall of the café roof. The camera pans down slowly. Lucas is at one wall, pulling a brick out.) LUCAS: (v.o) Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote: 'All are architects of fate... living in these walls of time'. (Lucas finally yanks the brick out and takes out a small metal box. He looks at it and smiles before sitting down. He wipes the dust off the tin and opens it. Inside are two folded up pieces of paper, he sets them aside.) HALEY: (v.o) Looks like we're gonna have to go to Augusta (She walks into the shot.) to get in a decent nine holes, huh? (She looks around; it's not how she left it.) LUCAS: (Smiles regretfully.) I didn't think you were coming back so I... took the course down. It didn't feel right, letting it fall apart. HALEY: You're just tired of me schooling your sorry butt. (Lucas smiles and hands her one of the papers.) LUCAS: I didn't think you'd remember. HALEY: Are you kidding me? Tomorrow's the first day of school. Every year we try and predict what the next year's gonna hold and... every year I realise how out of touch I was with the year before. (Lucas laughs.) HALEY: Unless of course this says that I'd be married and separated by now. (Haley unfolds the paper and reads. She coughs.) LUCAS: Well, zero hour. HALEY: You first. LUCAS: 'This year, I'm going to kiss a boy'. (Nods) HALEY: That's mine! (Snatches it away.) It's from seventh grade! LUCAS: Well, it finally happened for you then. (Haley laughs and smacks him.) HALEY: Shut up(!) (She reads then one she's holding.) HALEY: What about you? (Reads) 'This year I'll talk to Peyton Sawyer(!)' LUCAS: It doesn't say that(!) (Takes it back.) HALEY: It does, look at it. (Lucas reads it.) LUCAS: Oh. HALEY: (Reading.) 'This year, I'll volunteer at the tutor center'. LUCAS: 'Mom and Keith will finally get married'. (Haley looks at him and smiles sadly.) HALEY: 'I'll date a (Slows down and frowns.) musician'. (She frowns and Lucas looks at her.) HALEY: Why do we do this again? LUCAS: It's supposed to be fun. HALEY: How bout this year we wait and see how the first day goes before any predictions? (Lucas nods and they refold the papers.) LUCAS: It's good to have you back, Haley. (Pause) Couldn'ta done the senior year without you. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL (EST) - DAY] (Shot of the sign which reads 'TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL: WELCOME BACK STUDENTS'. People walk past the sign.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - DAY] (Haley and Lucas enter the corridor. It is instantly obvious that Haley is getting a lot of muted attention. Lots of girls look at her.) HALEY: (To Lucas.) OK, I know in high school you always feel like everyone's staring at you but this is ridiculous(!) LUCAS: Well, they're not used to having a celebrity in their mi- (Haley slaps him.) LUCAS: Ow(!) (Looks at her annoyed.) Get over it. HALEY: Let's just find our lockers. (Looks through her book.) I'm 141. (Looks around.) What are you? (He looks at his hand.) LUCAS: Uh... 143. (Raises his eyebrows.) It must be alphabetical. HALEY: Which means... (Haley's eyes widen.) (They point and sure enough, Nathan shuts locker 139. He turns and looks at her.) NATHAN: (Indifferently) You shoulda used your stage name. (Turns and walks away.) (Haley watches him, upset. Lucas looks down at her.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - DAY] (Brooke and Lucas are now walking together.) BROOKE: I waited for you this morning. LUCAS: What d'ya mean? BROOKE: I just figured since it's the first day of school the 'guy for me' would... pick me up; bring me flowers, maybe a bagel. (Shrugs) Just saying, (Stops at her locker.) not that impressive. (Lucas looks at her and smiles.) LUCAS: I had a couple things to take care of. BROOKE: Hmm. (She takes the lock off and opens the door. She gapes at the tiny disco ball, fairy lights, streamers and pictures stuck up in there. He's written 'Lucas and Brooke forever' on her mirror in pink lipstick.) BROOKE: You totally pimped my locker. (She smiles, speechless.) LUCAS: (Over her shoulder.) Yeah. (Sighs) It's very exclusive. (Brooke looks at him open-mouthed. He walks away and she puts her things in her locker with a big grin before shutting it again.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - DAY] (Brooke exits the school and walks on quickly. She sees someone off-screen.) BROOKE: Hey, roommate, you were out early this morning. You know, it's the first day, you have to pace yourself. HALEY: (Scoffs) I'm usually one of those people who likes the fist day of school. You know, new pens; new book; new backpack. BROOKE: A nerd. HALEY: Exactly. (Brooke laughs.) HALEY: I found out that I'm behind for the first time in my academic career and I'm gonna have to work twice as hard if I wanna graduate by June, so- (Shrugs. Peyton walks up behind them,) And everybody here's giving me the zoo treatment except for Nathan who of course wont... really look at me. BROOKE: Right. PEYTON: You could always run away and join a rock tour. (They look at her.) Oh, wait, you already did that. (Grins and waves at Brooke before walking away.) (Haley looks away, annoyed. Brooke smiles just to keep the peace.) BROOKE: (Uncomfortably) She's had a complicated... year. (Nods) I'll talk to her. (Brooke leaves Haley alone to walk past a gang of girls who make no show of hiding their curiosity and cruelty. Sue mimes an air guitar and mouths 'Rock star'. Haley walks past them, rolling her eyes.) SUE: Hey, you got a problem? (They laugh as Haley ignores them and walks into the school. Nathan is watching them from a far-off table.) (Mouth comes up behind Nathan.) MOUTH: Nathan, you think I can get a quick interview? (Sits next to him.) I'm podcasting a preseason Ravens report. NATHAN: (Distracted) Podcasting? MOUTH: Yeah, it's kinda like a radio but fans can download it and listen to it on their iPods. (Nathan nods.) MOUTH: (Begins recording.) We're here with number 23: Nathan Scott. Nate, what's your prediction for this Ravens team? Is this the year that you'll finally claim that elusive championship trophy or will it once again end up in the arms of someone else? (His smile falls.) Someone more popular; better looking; possibly a surfer, (Nathan's brow creases.) leaving you empty and angry with only that final buzzer of regret ringing in you ears! (His harsh breathing subsides and he waits for a second before holding the Dictaphone out to Nathan.) NATHAN: (Lost for a moment.) I... think we'll have a great season. (Looks at Mouth weirdly.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - WHITEY'S OFFICE - DAY] (Whitey is in his office polishing a big basketball trophy. He stares at it as Dan stops in the doorway.) WHITEY: Oh no, (Shot cuts over his shoulder, Dan is reflected off the trophy.) sometimes I wish I had gone blind. DAN: Easy, old-timer. (Smiles) I just came by to congratulate you on your four-hundredth year at Tree Hill High. (Smirks) (Whitey laughs humourlessly.) WHITEY: Well, I see, uh,... Nathan ranked, nationally, ten spots ahead of you (Looks at the paper.) if memory serves. DAN: Yeah, well, it would have been higher if they'd gone off last years records of his weak play at that damn camp. WHITEY: Does anything ever make you happy, Danny? DAN: (Smirking) Actually, yeah. (Walks forward.) It's the agenda for this weeks school board meeting (Hands a blue folder over.) take a look at item three. I put it in twenty-four point font so you can read it. (Whitey looks at number three before shutting the folder harshly.) WHITEY: 'Replace Whitey Durham'. DAN: It's nothing personal. (Pause) Oh, wait a minute, who am I kidding? Of course it's personal. WHITEY: (Glowering) You know, it's a shame you didn't burn up along with your dealership. (Pause) But, of course, Dan Scott can survive anything, can't he? Like a cockroach(!) (Whitey flicks a lighter on. Dan stares at it and his gusto fades quickly. He backs up slightly.) WHITEY: What's the matter, Danny? (Picks up a candle.) I'm just lighting a candle. (Lights it.) Good for the... Feng Shui. (Amused) You look a little skittish. I thought fire was supposed to be Satan's friend. DAN: (Smiling again.) It is. (Pause) If you see Lucas, that is if you're still able to, tell him I'd like to speak to him. (Turns his back and leaves. Whitey is still grinning and he flicks the lighter closed.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - FRONT DOOR - DAY] (Ellie opens the door and enters. She sees Lucas and walks to him.) ELLIE: Lucas. (Lucas slings his bag over his shoulder, basketball in hand. He looks at her.) LUCAS: What do you want? ELLIE: I need your help. LUCAS: I'm sorry; I'm fresh out of heroine. Try the park. (He starts to walk past her.) ELLIE: (Stepping in front if him.) Wait, Lucas. (He stops.) ELLIE: You did see me buying drugs... but it was for medical reasons. LUCAS: (Smiling to himself.) Let me guess, you're going blind. (Walks away again.) ELLIE: (Stops him again.) Actually, no. I have cancer. (Lucas looks away, frowning.) ELLIE: I didn't want Peyton to know. (Lucas listens.) ELLIE: Marijuana helps with the nausea. LUCAS: (Wrong footed) How far along? ELLIE: Far enough. LUCAS: I'm sorry. ELLIE: I came back here coz I needed to know that Peyton was OK. (Pause) That she'd be OK. LUCAS: She deserves to know. (Pause) You have to tell her. ELLIE: I know, but I want her to get to know me first. On her own terms. Not because she feels sorry for me. I thought maybe... you could tell her you made a mistake. (Pause) Encourage her to give me another chance. (Lucas looks away without replying.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE RIVERCOURT - DAY] (Lucas is playing a bit of basketball by himself. Dan walks onto the court and catches the ball when Lucas misses the basket. Lucas can't believe his luck.) LUCAS: (Uncaringly) Can I help you? (Dan puts the ball through the hoop before answering.) DAN: Taking a walk. Seems I've been doing a lot of that lately. LUCAS: How bout taking a hike? Done that lately? (Dan smiles to himself.) DAN: Did I ever tell you about the dog I found in this park? (Walks forward.) I took him into my home, gave him the best of everything. Some might say I even spoiled him. (Pause) and then, one day,... he bit me. LUCAS: Smart dog. (Dan walks around him.) DAN: Point is,... (Leans in close.) that dog never bit me again. (Lucas watches him.) DAN: (Continuing to walk.) I get why you come out here. (Pause) Fresh air; solitude. (Pause) Gives one clarity. (Turns to face Lucas.) That's important. Something I've been trying to grasp at all summer but it just kept slipping through my fingers. (Pause) Until I saw you the other night at the beach. At the bonfire. CUT TO FLASHBACK: [EXT. THE BEACH - THE BONFIRE - EVENING] (Haley and Lucas stand behind the bonfire and it roars with life.) END OF FLASHBACK: [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE RIVERCOURT - DAY] DAN: I know it was you, Lucas. LUCAS: (Smiling unsteadily.) I don't know what you're talking about. DAN: I saw you at the dealership that night. CUT TO FLASHBACK: [INT. DAN SCOTT MOTORS - DAN'S OFFICE - EVENING] (Lucas is bent over, struggling.) END OF FLASHBACK: [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE RIVERCOURT - DAY] DAN: (Snarling) You think I wouldn't remember?! (Throws the ball at him.) (Lucas catches it but his expression is hardened. He isn't going to take crap from Dan. He throws the ball back, harder. Dan catches it.) DAN: Careful now... (Smirks) don't wanna get the heart rate up. Especially since you stopped taking your meds. It'd be a shame if you collapsed right here on the court and no one to call an ambulance. (He looks at Lucas threateningly before throwing the ball back at him. Lucas catches it again.) LUCAS: (Practically hissing.) Thanks for your concern. (Throws the ball back, Dan barely catches it.) LUCAS: (Viscously) Dad(!) DAN: I didn't raise you so... maybe you didn't get the lesson... but if you're gonna start something... you sure as hell better finish it(!) (He throws the ball again, hard. Lucas holds his arms up and it hits him squarely on the chest. Lucas shakes his head.) LUCAS: I'm not playing this game anymore. (There's a pause before Fergie, Mouth and Junk walk onto the court. They are looking shocked and confused. Dan looks at them before turning back with a plastic smile.) DAN: Good talk son. (Winks) We'll finish it soon. (Dan walks away. Lucas, unnerved, does a full 360˚ before looking back at Dan's retreating back.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - GROUNDS - DAY] (Peyton is walking by herself before Nathan joins her.) PEYTON: (Grinning) What're you doing on this side of the school? NATHAN: (Smiling) P.E. PEYTON: (Amused) Whoa, what, by way of Florida? You're dodging Haley. NATHAN: Well, how'd you deal with it when we first broke up? Besides from immediately trying to hook up with Lucas. (Peyton smacks him. Nathan laughs.) NATHAN: No, seriously, I mean... how did you deal with having to see each other every day? PEYTON: Really, the only thing I missed was skipping algebra and making out in my car. As much as I loathed kissing you, algebra was worse. (Cut to Haley and Brooke walking along outside in another part of the school.) HALEY: (Annoyed whilst struggling with her bag.) Oh, do you have any idea how annoying it is to only go to your locker once a day? I'm gonna need a good chiropractor. BROOKE: Let's talk about something happy. Like how we're gonna get evicted if we don't find money for rent. HALEY: Wait a minute; I thought your parents sent you money. BROOKE: Well,... it barely covered my back-to-school wardrobe. HALEY: You spent your rent money on clothes? BROOKE: I can't come to school naked! It wouldn't be very presidential. Although I suppose I would never have to worry about re-election. HALEY: Oh my god, it's so good that you're not treasurer. (Brooke shrugs agreeably.) HALEY: By the way, have you talked to Peyton? I get why Nathan's freezing me out but it's not like I put Peyton up for adopti- (She stops as they look up and practically walk over Peyton and Nathan who are coming right at them. Peyton looks at her, daring her to continue.) HALEY: -on. (Mouth walks up to them.) MOUTH: Star forward, Nathan Scott and wife, Haley, face-to-face. (Peyton looks at Haley and it's clear she doesn't like her. She looks at Brooke.) MOUTH: How will her return affect his game? Will she destroy his average like Erica Marsh (Nathan sighs.) threatens to destroy this reporters GPA?! (All of them look at Mouth in varying degrees of exasperation. Haley raises her eyebrows questioningly. The bell rings. Mouth continues to hold out his Dictaphone. They disperse. Haley and Brooke walk forward and Peyton and Nathan go the opposite way.) (Mouth is left standing there on his own. He sighs and walks away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - WHITEY'S OFFICE - DAY] (Whitey's on the phone.) WHITEY: I DON'T CARE HOW MANY BOARD MEMBERS GOT THEIR CARS AT COST! Forty years of coaching should count for more than that! (Haley stops at the doorway. He hangs up the phone and looks up.) HALEY: (Sighs and walks in.) Hey, coach. WHITEY: Well, well, Avril Lavigne. What can I do for you? HALEY: I... wanted to talk to you about Nathan. I'm not exactly his favourite person right now. (Whitey searches for something.) WHITEY: And you'd like for me to talk to him? HALEY: I was hoping. He really listens to you. WHITEY: Listen, girly, I'm a basketball coach, not Dr. Phil. I don't have time for anybody else's problems right now. I got plenty of my own. (Haley understands and waves him off.) HALEY: I-I understand. WHITEY: Besides that, I should be happy that my star player's focussing on the game rather than on his love life. (Haley looks at him sadly.) WHITEY: (Finishes writing something down.) We got a championship to win this year. (Passes her a pink slip.) Here. (Haley reaches for it immediately.) HALEY: What's this? WHITEY: Called a detention slip. HALEY: (Annoyed) Detention for what?! WHITEY: Last time I checked, this was the boys' locker room. (He nods once and Haley gapes at him.) WHITEY: Now take it and go. (Haley walks out, open-mouthed and disbelieving.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - DINING AREA - DAY] (Karen and Larry are sitting at one of the tables, talking and drinking coffee.) KAREN: So, how's, uh,... everything going with Peyton and Ellie? (Larry shakes his head.) LARRY: I don't know. I told Ellie to stay away. (Pause) But... a part of me thinks it might be a good idea for those two to talk. (Karen nods.) KAREN: How much do you know about her? LARRY: Not much really. We met her when she was pregnant with Peyton, looking for an adoptive couple, she chose us. KAREN: What about Peyton's father? (Correcting herself.) Uh-biological father. LARRY: Well, we asked about him but she would never talk about him. (She smiles.) I don't know, Karen,... half the time I'm floating in the Atlantic trying to keep a roof over our heads and Peyton's scratching her way through adolescence - alone. KAREN: Peyton knows that you love her, Larry. LARRY: I know she does. (Sits back.) I just don't wanna see her hurt again. KAREN: You know, I don't-I don't know Ellie. I don't know her intentions... but this may be the one opportunity that Peyton has to find out. (Larry just stares at her.) KAREN: (Smiling) I know you wanna protect her but maybe what she needs protection from is regret. (Larry nods slowly.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - DETENTION - DAY] (Haley walks into the classroom and sees Whitey standing there, waiting.) HALEY: (Walks in holding the slip.) Coach Durham, if I said something to upset you earlier, I'm really sorry. (He takes the slip and puts it on the table.) WHITEY: Take your seat. (Haley sighs and walks to a desk just as Nathan enters the classroom. He sees her and sighs.) NATHAN: What're you doing here? (Haley turns and sees him.) WHITEY: She's got detention, just like you. NATHAN: What, are we the only two people that got in trouble today? (A guy walks to the door with earphones in his ears and holding a half eaten bagel. He holds his slip out. Whitey takes it and shoves him back to the door.) WHITEY: Get lost, kid. (Pushes him out of the door.) You're pardoned. (Nathan shakes his head and takes his seat, not near Haley. Whitey shuts the door. Haley looks at Nathan as he avoids eye contact and stares straight ahead.) WHITEY: Today, we're gonna allow talking. I believe you two have some catching up to do. (Whitey winks at Haley and she gets it. She smiles her gratitude.) FADE TO BLACK: [SCENE_BREAK] COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - GROUNDS - DAY] (Pan across the school bus before stopping at Haley and Lucas who are walking back into school.) LUCAS: So, how'd detention go? HALEY: Oh, it was exactly what it was supposed to be: punishment. Nathan looked at me exactly once when my stomach growled funny and then stared at the clock for the rest of the hour. LUCAS: Well, gave you time to work on those prediction though, right? HALEY: Are you kidding me? The way this year's going, I predict I'm gonna get my GED. LUCAS: (Sighs) I'll see you at lunch. (He veers off in another direction.) HALEY: Alright. (Pats him as he leaves.) (Haley walks past the same bunch of girls. They look at her again and laugh. One of them turns and calls out to Haley.) SUE: Excuse me! Um, aren't you Kelly Clarkson? (Haley stops, keeping her back to them. They laugh.) SUE: (Under her breath.) Bitch! (Haley turns back around, irritated.) HALEY: You wanna try saying that to my face? SUE: (Stands) You like to sing about stars? Maybe you'd like to see some. (Pushes Haley hard.) (Haley stumbles back before moving forward and pushing her back.) HALEY: I have never done ANYTHING to you! (Whitey intervenes quickly.) WHITEY: Hey, hey, hey, break it up! (Forcefully separates them.) Break it up now! (Sue grins and she and her friends leave. Whitey looks at Haley.) WHITEY: I'm not gonna have any catfights on my watch. (Haley breathes harshly and watches them.) WHITEY: Fighting in school - that's a detention. HALEY: (Outraged) Coach, she started it! WHITEY: Talking back to a teacher - (Nods) that's two. HALEY: (Closes her eyes.) Whitey, I really appreciate it but I don't think it's gonna work. WHITEY: Calling me Whitey... is three. HALEY: (Depressed) OK, I think two's enough. WHITEY: I'm serious about that third one. I'll see you in detention. (Haley sighs and grumbles harshly before stomping off to the school.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - DETENTION - DAY] (Haley is sitting in detention, resting on her schoolbag and staring off into nothing. The camera zooms out to show Nathan there too. He has his books out. He looks over at Haley.) NATHAN: (Laughs to himself.) Did you really, uh,... knock out Sue Garvey's front tooth? (Haley looks up at him, surprised he's talking to her.) HALEY: Wh-what? Where did you hear that? NATHAN: It's all over school. (Grins) HALEY: Great, add 'bully' to my resume now. (Groans and runs a hand through her hair.) You know, I've played for some tough crowds on the road... nothing compares to the hostility I feel walking down that hallway. (Nathan nods.) HALEY: What'd I even do to make those girls hate me anyway? They don't even know me. NATHAN: It's high school. They don't need a reason. Try missing the winning shot at a home game; you'll feel hatred at a whole new level. (Smiles) (Haley smiles back.) HALEY: Yeah. I guess I never thought of it that way. (Nathan turns back around. Haley wants to keep him talking to her.) HALEY: Nathan- NATHAN: I should get back to this. (Flips pages in his textbook.) I don't have a tutor anymore. (Haley's happiness disappears again and she sighs before leaning on her bag and resuming her position.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - BACKYARD - DAY] (Dan is playing basketball by himself. Nathan shuts his car door and walks to him.) NATHAN: Let me guess - mom's not home; she doesn't know you're here. DAN: Well, technically, we haven't divided our assets yet. NATHAN: Well, technically, hanging around the house when your wife's kicked you to the curb makes you a loser. DAN: Well, I guess you'd know, right? (Smirks before turning back to the hoop.) Come on, get suited up. We'll play one-on-one. Where you been, anyway? NATHAN: (Squinting as Dan scores a basket.) I had detention. DAN: Nathan, you can't afford to be a discipline case. This stuff gets back to the scouts- NATHAN: No, it wasn't like that. Whitey's just... playing games with me and Haley. DAN: (Nods) Whitey, huh? Well you won't have to worry about him much longer. NATHAN: (Looks up at him.) What does that mean? DAN: I'm looking out for you, son. (Smirks) I'm going before the school board tonight, we're gonna get you a real coach. (Nathan looks on, distracted. He's not happy with the news.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - FRONT DOOR - DAY] (Peyton and Lucas enter her house.) LUCAS: I'm only saying, maybe I was wrong about Ellie. (Peyton gives him a look.) LUCAS: Who knows what I saw? I mean, it could have been any number of things. PEYTON: What, crack, speed, maybe she's huffing model aeroplane glue. (Lucas sighs.) LUCAS: That's not what I mean(!) PEYTON: Lucas, I confronted her about it - she didn't deny it. LUCAS: There could be some explanation. PEYTON: There's always an explanation with her. It's called lying! (They walk up the stairs on their way to her bedroom.) PEYTON: Why are you on the Ellie train all of a sudden anyway? LUCAS: (Seriously) I'm not. I'm just saying, maybe you should give her a chance. (Peyton sighs and continues up the stairs. She opens her bedroom door and stops suddenly.) LARRY: Hey. (Larry is leaning on her desk and Ellie is looking through Peyton's sketches on her bed. Larry straightens when he sees Peyton.) ELLIE: Hi, Peyton. PEYTON: (Shocked) What're you doing here? LARRY: I invited her. I-I thought, maybe we could all... talk. ELLIE: (About the sketches.) I had no idea how gifted you were. (Peyton ignores her and looks at Lucas.) PEYTON: (Betrayed) You set me up(!) LUCAS: (Just as confused.) No, I- LARRY: Hey-hey, Peyton, wait-wait, listen. PEYTON: NO, YOU LISTEN! THIS IS MY WORLD, OK? That's my music, (Grabs the pictures out of Ellie's hands.) this is my art. (Larry tries to stop her but she backs away.) PEYTON: Art that has everything to do with mom(!) My real mom, OK? (Crying) I can't believe you'd do this to me(!) (Larry can't find the words. Ellie looks on uncomfortably. Peyton turns back to Lucas.) PEYTON: Did you know about this?! LUCAS: Wh- LARRY: Peyton. PEYTON: No, jus-just stay out of my life, OK?! (Pause) All of you! (Leaves them in her room as she exits in tears. Ellie doesn't say a word.) LARRY: (More to himself.) It's my fault. (Lucas looks at them, feeling sympathy for Peyton.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAVIS SCOTT APARTMENT - BATHROOM - DAY] (Haley stomps out of the bathroom with an arm full of clothes and dumps them onto the bed. She turns around and heads back the way she came.) BROOKE: (Appearing) Good news(!) Our money troubles are over. I am a working girl. HALEY: Is that legal? BROOKE: I am now the newest employee at Suburban Filth. It's a clothing store. HALEY: (Walks out of the bathroom with more clothes.) Suburban filth, that's... perfect. (Brooke makes the catty noise and finger motions she did with Peyton.) HALEY: What've you got there? BROOKE: (Holding up scrunchies.) These, my dear roommate, are hair scrunchies, Circe 1995, and they are what's going to make this little living arrangement bearable. HALEY: (Hands on hips.) Brooke, I know you never liked my hair, but it's just- BROOKE: No, well... true, but... no. When either of us has a boy over, (Hold up the red, yellow and black scrunchies.) these scrunchies will be our first line of defence. Observe. (Walks to a door.) Red scrunchy, (Puts it over the door handle.) means occupied; some serious action going on in here. The yellow scrunchy means; we're just making out but one or more of us may be topless. HALEY: (Closes her eyes.) And the black one? BROOKE: (Smiling) Hmmm, you're gonna have to leave the apartment. HALEY: (Grabbing more clothes.) Well, I'm not sure I can handle thinking of you and Lucas hooking up in the same room where I'm sleeping. BROOKE: (Crossing her arms.) Lucas and/or others. HALEY: Brooke, it's, uh,... it's a really good... system, um, but I-I just really don't think I'm gonna be needing any scrunchies any time soon, so... (Walks forward sadly.) BROOKE: Oh, no, no, roommate, come here. (Hugs her.) Come on. (Forcefully puts Haley's arms around her shoulders.) Nathan's gonna come around. He just needs to know you're here for the long-haul. (She's talking about herself as much as Nathan. She looks at the board depicting how she spent her summer vacation. The camera cuts to a close-up of her and Lucas kissing on the beach. She rubs Haley's back and lets her go.) BROOKE: You know, (Pause) sometimes people play hard to get because they need to know... the other person's feelings are real. (Haley looks at her, tears running down her cheeks. She wipes them off.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - BACK - DAY] (Karen is putting CDs back into their holders. She walks to the counter and the front door opens. Nathan enters the café.) KAREN: (Looks to the doorway.) Oh, Nathan. It's been a long time. NATHAN: Yeah. Have you seen Lucas? KAREN: Oh, not for a few hours. NATHAN: OK, thanks. (Turns and walks to the exit.) KAREN: Nathan! (He stops at the doorway and turns back around.) KAREN: Haley came back. NATHAN: (Quietly) Yeah. (Karen walks closer to him.) KAREN: Do you, uh, do you remember that day on the Rivercourt? When you told me that you would give anything to have her home? NATHAN: Yeah. Yeah, you told me to have faith. KAREN: (Nods) Yeah, well, faith is believing when there's nothing else you can do. (Nathan smiles and nods.) KAREN: She's here now. (Pause) What're you gonna do about it? NATHAN: Haley's here. I just... don't know if the guy she left is ever gonna come back. (He smiles and shrugs before walking away.) Oh, and, uh, if you see Lucas, tell him he might wanna come to the school board meeting tonight. KAREN: School board? NATHAN: Yeah, my dad's trying to get Whitey fired. And, uh,... we both know he usually gets what he wants. (Shrugs again.) (Karen frowns as Nathan leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL - THE ROAD - DAY] (Birds-eye view of the crossroads as Peyton sits on the bench at one corner - watching the empty road. The camera pans up to the traffic light as it switches from green to amber to red. Peyton stares at it, thinking. She looks to the side and sees her father approaching. She doesn't move as he takes a seat beside her.) LARRY: I thought you might be here. (There's a pause and Peyton sits uncomfortably.) LARRY: Ever since your mom died I've been... guessing a lot. Sometimes I guess wrong. I shouldn't have... brought Ellie into your room without asking you. (Pause) But, she didn't have anything to do with it. Neither did Lucas. (Peyton pauses before caving.) PEYTON: Sometimes you guess right. (Larry looks at her.) PEYTON: You guessed where to find me. (She smiles weakly and Larry puts an arm around her. He kisses her on the head as she looks down sadly.) LARRY: This has all been a lot to take. (Peyton nods.) LARRY: I want you to know you can always talk to me. PEYTON: But sometimes I can't, dad. LARRY: Yeah, I get that. (Pause) If you're not always comfortable talking with me, maybe we should find you someone. PEYTON: Like a shrink? LARRY: Well, it might help you to get some of this out. (Peyton thinks as she puts her head back on her dad's shoulder. He kisses her on the forehead again. Cut back to the traffic light as it switches from amber to red.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - BOARD MEETING - EVENING] (A lot of students are gathered outside the hall where the board meeting which will decide Whitey's fate is being held.) MOUTH: (Back on his Dictaphone.) Just beyond these doors, Coach Durham's fate is being decided as we speak. The tension is palpable. (Lucas looks at him as he approaches.) MOUTH: The only audible sounds are the heartbeats of this Ravens team, beating in unison for its beloved coach. (Lucas looks at him with his eyebrows drawn.) MOUTH: (Angry) My heart would be beating too but it's been ripped out and stomped on by one Erica Marsh(!) LUCAS: (o.s) Mouth! (Mouth turns to him.) LUCAS: You got a second? (Mouth nods and sits beside him.) LUCAS: (Shaking his head.) Look, I know what you're going through, man, but at a certain point, you gotta stop wearing your heart on your sleeve. (Mouth looks at him and then looks away.) LUCAS: (Looks at his shirt.) In fact, your whole shirt's getting a little ripe. MOUTH: That's easy for you to say, Luke. (Pause) You get your heart broken, there's a dozen girls waiting to put it back together. (Lucas sighs.) It doesn't work like that for me. You know, and even if it did, I don't want it to. (Pause) I just want Erica back. (Lucas nods understandingly. Mouth gets up and walks away.) DAN: (v.o) To the school board,- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - HALL - EVENING] (Dan stands in front of the school board and addresses the teachers and mayor.) DAN: -concerned parents, Mr. Mayor. I think coach Durham's record speaks for itself. (Pause) He's never won a state title. In fact, the closest he ever came were those years where myself and my sons were on the team. And let's face it - Whitey's running out of my DNA. (He grins and the people in the seats laugh. Whitey looks around, annoyed.) DAN: This is Nathan's final year at Tree Hill - and a lot of the other boys too. (Pause) We may not have another chance like this for decades. (Looks at Whitey.) Now, I love Whitey. (Pause) He's an institution in this town... but this is bigger than just one man. This is about civic pride. This is about driving into Tree Hill in the middle of the night... and seeing your headlight splash that sign: 'Welcome to Tree hill, home of the Ravens: North Carolina State Basketball Champions'. (He looks at the directors and grins widely.) DAN: Gives me chills just thinking about it. (The Mayor nods.) DAN: Now, our kids deserve to have that feeling too. Hell, so does all of Tree Hill. Now, if we make the change, by replacing Coach Durham, we can get there - this year. (Smiles) I honestly believe that. (Pause as he grins annoyingly.) Thank you. (Dan walks off the podium. The Mayor leans forward.) MAYOR: Well, thank you Mr. Scott. (Coughs) Time to call this to a vote. KAREN: (Stands up from behind.) I would like to say something. (She looks at Dan in exasperation.) DAN: Uh, Mayor Mullins, Miss. Roe's not a member of the school board. (Karen walks to the front, ignoring him.) DAN: As a matter of fact, I don't think I've ever seen her at a meeting before. I object. MAYOR: Well, this is not a court of law, Dan. We go by my rules. (Pause) Sit down. (Dan doesn't argue, even though he wants to. He sits.) MAYOR: Please go ahead, Ms. Roe. KAREN: (Steps up to the podium.) Thank you. Most of you know me - I am Lucas Scott's mom, I run a café down town and Lucas joined the Ravens last year. What you don't know is that I was against it. Whitey knew that but he recruited him anyway. (Pause) Um,... I was against it for good reason; because I have seen what this game can turn people in to. (Dan shifts slightly and looks at his watch.) KAREN: And I was worried that that would happen to my son... what I didn't realise... is how what Whitey teaches these boys goes beyond the simple game. (Pause) I have seen his influence in my own son beyond the X's and the O's. And so have all the other parents in this room. Our boys are becoming men (Smiles) and I cannot put that into statistics. It may not translate into championships... but if you put too much focus on those things,... in the end, all you're gonna end up with is a sad bunch of boys who never learn to leave the game (Looks pointedly at Dan.) behind. (Dan doesn't respond to the silent jibe.) KAREN: Unlike Dan Scott, I don't believe that our sons deserve anything. You get what you earn... (Turns to look at Whitey.) but Coach Durham, he deserves better. (Whitey smiles.) KAREN: He's already earned it. (Karen turns around and walks away from the podium. She shakes Whitey's hand as she passes him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH - BOARD MEETING - EVENING] (Lucas walks up to Nathan who is sitting on a bench, waiting.) LUCAS: So, my mom told me you came looking me. NATHAN: Oh, it wasn't 'bout you. (Looks away indifferently.) Just wanted to make sure everyone knew about Whitey. LUCAS: So you do care about something besides basketball. NATHAN: Whitey gets me touches. He knows it's my team. Pretty soon the scouts will too. LUCAS: Your team, huh? (Nathan nods.) LUCAS: Yeah, I guess we'll see about that when we get back on the court, won't we? (Lucas pats him on the arm and walks off, shaking his head. He stops at Peyton.) LUCAS: Hey. PEYTON: Hi. LUCAS: Listen, about earlier, I-I'm sorry, I didn't know that she- PEYTON: I know. (Smiles) My dad told me you weren't on the grassing hole. (Lucas smiles and looks down.) PEYTON: Luke, I'm sorry. You're actually one of the few people that's been honest with me through this whole thing. LUCAS: So, what're you doing after this? (Peyton starts to answer but the door of the hall opens and cuts her reply short. Everyone looks sideways and sees Whitey lead everyone out. There is nothing but a rumbling murmur from the students. The team wait for the verdict. Lucas and Peyton turn expectantly.) WHITEY: (Not smiling.) Bad news, gentlemen. (Lucas looks at Whitey, gloomily.) WHITEY: (Smiles) You're stuck with me. (Everyone cheers and claps. Nathan smiles. Lucas walks up to Whitey and hugs him. Karen watches them with a smile. Dan walks up behind her but stops. Karen looks back and he walks away. She smiles triumphantly.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - THE GYM - EVENING] (Lucas and Peyton walk into the deserted gym.) PEYTON: Been a while since we've been in here, huh? LUCAS: I'm in here every night. (Pause) In my mind, anyway. PEYTON: (Knowingly) You're playing the shot you missed. The shot that ended our season; the shot you probably made, what, like a thousand times. (Grins) LUCAS: (Holds his hands up.) OK. (Sighs and walks a few steps away from her.) PEYTON: So, whaddaya have to tell me? LUCAS: How'd you know? PEYTON: Well, I figured you either brought me in here to talk, to make out, or to kill me. And since we're not gonna make out... I guess its talk or die, right? (Lucas smiles.) PEYTON: Is it bad? LUCAS: Yeah. PEYTON: Let me guess, I've got three moms. (Smiles and looks down.) LUCAS: Ellie was buying marijuana... but not for the reasons you think. She's sick. (Pause) She has cancer, Peyton. PEYTON: She told you that? (Lucas nods.) PEYTON: Come on, Luke, that's just another one of her lies. LUCAS: I don't think so. (Pause) I think she was afraid that if you knew the truth... you'd feel obligated, or some way. You know, then it would change things between you for the wrong reasons. PEYTON: Kinda like... your little secret about Dan and the fire. (Lucas smiles.) DAN: (o.s) And what little secret is that? (Peyton's smile drops and she turns around. Dan is standing there.) DAN: Sorry to interrupt your little melodrama but Lucas and I have unfinished business. (Peyton gapes and takes a few steps back.) LUCAS: Peyton, you should go. PEYTON: (Beat) Yeah, we'll both go. (Peyton drags him away but Dan follows.) DAN: Bit Oedipal, don't you think? Trying to kill daddy. (He stops in front of them, halting their departure.) DAN: Someone should tell mom she's in for some action. LUCAS: You don't know what happened that night. CUT TO FLASHBACK: [INT. DAN SCOTT MOTORS - DAN'S OFFICE - EVENING] (Dan's eyes are open as he lies on the floor of his burning dealership and someone moves around outside of his office.) END OF FLASHBACK: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - THE GYM - EVENING] LUCAS: (Harshly) You can't remember and it's killing you(!) (He walks forward and Dan stops him. He puts his hand around Lucas' neck.) DAN: Enlighten me! LUCAS: Let go! (Peyton moves between them and tries to prise his fingers off.) PEYTON: (Tugging at Dan's arm.) Leave him alone. DAN: (Looks at Peyton.) This is a family matter. You'd understand that if you had one. (Dan puts his hand on her head and shoves her away hard. Lucas looks at him.) LUCAS: You son of a bitch! (Punches him hard.) (Dan goes down for a moment. He straightens and laughs.) DAN: My record on this court's a little better than yours, Lucas. (Lucas tries to hit him again but Dan blocks him.) LUCAS: Don't, ah- (Dan grabs him by the throat again, a lot harder than before. Lucas struggles to breathe under the pressure.) DAN: YOU REALLY THINK YOU COULD TRY TO KILL ME!? PEYTON: (Comes up behind Lucas, panicked.) STOP IT! DAN: You think you could get away with this? (Lucas' mouth is wide open, trying to get some air.) PEYTON: LET GO! (Hits him but to no avail.) DAN: There are easier ways to kill a man, Lucas. PEYTON: (Still struggling to separate them.) HE WASN'T TRYING TO KILL YOU! DAN: LIKE CHOKING! (Squeezes harder.) PEYTON: (In his face.) HE SAVED YOUR LIFE! (Dan looks at Peyton but doesn't ease the pressure. Lucas continues to choke as Dan thinks. He looks back at Lucas.) CUT TO FLASHBACK: [INT. DAN SCOTT MOTORS - DAN'S OFFICE - EVENING] (Dan lies on the floor as Lucas stands there, shielding himself from the flames.) END OF FLASHBACK: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - THE GYM - EVENING] (Lucas continues to choke as Dan remembers. Finally he lets go and Lucas falls to the floor. Peyton rushes to him to see if he's alright. Lucas coughs, trying to get air back into his lungs.) PEYTON: (Urgently to Lucas.) Lucas, please, you have to tell him. (He continues to struggle and Dan stands there waiting, eyes wide.) LUCAS: (Harshly) I was there(!) (Breathes hard.) But not to kill you! FADE TO FLASHBACK; [INT. DAN SCOTT MOTORS - DAN'S OFFICE - EVENING] (Shot of the flames before we see the doorway from Dan's point of view. We see legs as someone rushes in. Dan opens his eyes wider and we see Lucas' shocked face. He holds his arms up against the flames. Dan's back is on fire.) (Lucas takes his hoody off and starts to beat at the flames on Dan's back with it. They keep growing and the office burns more but Lucas keeps at it. Finally, they're out and he pulls Dan out of the dealership.) (At that moment, the window in Dan's office explodes as the office is completely destroyed. Lucas pulls Dan a safe distance away and checks his pulse.) (He sees the note that Dan's still holding. He takes it and reads the message, realising that the fire was deliberate. Lucas cowers as the fire explodes again but looks at the road when he hears sirens. He stands and Dan stirs, opening his eyes.) (Dan's view of Lucas is blurry.) LUCAS: (v.o) (Voice distorted.) I saved your life... but I should have let you burn(!) (Lucas turns and runs away - note still in his hand.) (Dan's head drops back to the floor as consciousness gives out.) END OF FLASHBACK: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - THE GYM - EVENING] (Dan looks around, dazed, as he remembers. Lucas is now sitting up, looking at his father coldly. Breathing is still an issue.) DAN: Well, a stronger man would have. (Lucas squints at him.) DAN: This'll be our secret, Lucas. (Looks at Peyton.) And that goes for you too, Miss. Sawyer. (Peyton's eyes jerk and she looks at him equally as coldly. Dan's breathing is hard and Lucas' head drops. Dan shakes his head but leaves without apologising. Peyton doesn't dare move until he's gone.) PEYTON: (Moves closer to Lucas.) Luke, I'm sorry. I had to tell him. LUCAS: It's alright, I know. PEYTON: Are you OK? (Lucas closes his eyes weakly.) LUCAS: That's my father. What do you think? (Looks up at her.) (Peyton sits back and they both look off sadly.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - NATHAN'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Nathan stands above his boxes and takes out a heart shaped bottle filled with sand that was on the beach the day he and Haley got married. He looks at it. On the bottle, it reads: 'Our Wedding Day'. With little flowers painted on it.) CUT TO FLASHBACK: [EXT. THE BEACH - DAY] (Nathan puts the wedding ring on Haley's finger as they get married and she smiles.) END OF FLASHBACK: FLASH TO: [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - NATHAN'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Nathan is looking down, thinking.) DAN: (o.s) If I were you, I'd keep those boxes packed. (Nathan looks sideways and sees Dan standing in the doorway.) NATHAN: (Sighs) What're you still doing here? DAN: You mean other than paying the bills? (Smiles) (Nathan sighs again.) NATHAN: It's over, dad. Let it go. (Dan nods and looks down.) DAN: Can't blame a guy for trying to hold on, can you? (Nathan looks back down at the bottle. Dan walks away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAVIS SCOTT APARTMENT - FORNT DOOR - EVENING] (Lucas opens the door and enters the apartment.) LUCAS: I hear this place is open all night. (Haley is sitting on the couch with glasses on and a pen in her mouth. She's looking through some papers.) HALEY: (Laughs) You heard right. (Lucas shuts the door.) BROOKE: (On the phone.) OK, thanks. (Hangs up.) (Lucas sits on the couch next to Haley.) BROOKE: And, now that I have a new job, we eat too. (Stands) Pizza's on the way. I'm gonna change, you guys hang. (She walks away.) HALEY: What happened to you? LUCAS: Oh, (Examines his shirt.) this pick-up game got a little rough. (Looks at her.) What're you doing? HALEY: Eurgh, (Takes her glasses off.) I'm just... looking through this list of predictions of dreams and wishes I made over the years. You know, I really think that maybe, back then, I was a better person LUCAS: You're the same person you've always been. That's not a list of who you are, it's a list of... who you're gonna be. That's still up to you. HALEY: Yeah, well,... whatever I want to happen this year, I'm gonna just predict the opposite coz life always has a way of figuring out how to surprise you. (Lucas smiles and shakes his head. There's a knock on the door.) HALEY: (More to herself.) That's fast. (She sets the papers aside and stands up to answer the door, expecting a pizza delivery.) HALEY: You pitching in, you mooch? (Lucas looks at her in amusement. She opens the door, smiling. Nathan's standing there. The smile dies.) HALEY: (Surprised) H-hey(!) NATHAN: Nice place. (Smiles) Can I talk to you? HALEY: (Shrugs) Yeah. (Cut back to Lucas who watches them silently.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL - THE STREETS - EVENING] (Nathan and Haley walk through town slowly and silently.) HALEY: (Sighs and breaks the silence.) I'm glad it's you that stopped by. Living with Brooke, you never know who's gonna come in for a late night booty call. NATHAN: (Uncomfortably) Look, um,... I've been doing some thinking about us. (Pause) About what we're gonna do, and, um,... I still have the annulment papers but- (Haley looks away sadly and Nathan talks quickly.) NATHAN: -if we get an annulment; that means that our marriage never happened. That'd be a lie. I mean, we had a lotta great times together, Haley. I don't wanna pretend like we didn't. HALEY: (Looking up at him.) Neither do I. (Nathan sighs.) NATHAN: So, instead of an annulment, I've looked into a divorce. (He keeps his eyes away from Haley and on the ground. Haley stops as he continues walking. He pauses a few steps ahead of her and looks back.) NATHAN: The state says we have to be separated for a year. HALEY: What- (Tries to find the words.) Uh,... what're you saying? (She's struggling to get her head around it.) NATHAN: I'm saying that I (Long pause.) think we should see what happens between now and then. HALEY: (Walks forward.) Nathan, I love you. (He looks down.) HALEY: I know that we can work this out, and a year from now, things will be good for us again. NATHAN: Maybe... and maybe not. (Pause) I guess we'll just have to see. (Haley shakes her head disbelievingly.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAVIS SCOTT APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] (Lucas is sitting on the couch. He finishes his drink. Brooke is sitting opposite him, watching him.) LUCAS: (Puts the glass down.) I should probably go. BROOKE: What, you're just gonna eat Haley's half of the pizza and then run? (Lucas looks down and laughs.) BROOKE: Let's be optimistic. Nathan and Haley have a lot of problems; they'll probably be out all night. (Smiles) And you know I hate to sleep alone. (Lucas groans, torn between want and need. He stands.) LUCAS: I would love to spend the night, Brooke. BROOKE: (Smiling) Yeah? LUCAS: Yeah. (Pause) As soon as we're exclusive. BROOKE: Oh, you're good. But, before you go, (Stands) did I mention that one of the perks (Unties her bathrobe.) of my new job is that I get to take home the free samples? (She unfolds the bathrobe and shows off a yellow t-shirt with matching yellow underwear. Lucas looks at her. Brooke looks at him knowingly.) LUCAS: (Struggling) You're better. (Smiles) Much better. BROOKE: So, are we staying yet? LUCAS: (Steps closer.) Are we exclusive yet? (She doesn't answer and Lucas lowers his head to her neck. She smiles triumphantly.) LUCAS: (In her ear.) Game on, Brooke Davis. (Brooke gapes as Lucas turns and exits the apartment without a backward glance.) (The camera pans back to Brooke who still can't believe it.) BROOKE: Well that's a first. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - WHITEY'S OFFICE - EVENING] (Whitey finishes his own drink and Mouth knocks on the door. Whitey turns and looks at him.) WHITEY: Mouth McFadden - news man extraordinaire. What're you doing out so late? MOUTH: Well, I was hoping I could get a statement about your first win of the season. (Smiles) (Whitey smiles and gets off his desk.) WHITEY: I'll go you one better than that. I'll give you an exclusive. (Sits in his chair.) (Mouth grins and eagerly walks into the room, sitting opposite Whitey. He holds his Dictaphone out.) WHITEY: This'll be my final season. (Pause) The end of this year - win or lose - I'm retiring. MOUTH: (Speechless.) But... why? WHITEY: That's it. (Holds a hand up.) That's your scoop. Oh, and do me a favour - (Mouth turns the Dictaphone off.) keep it under wraps until... after the first game. (He smiles and turns his chair to the side so that he's looking at Camilla's picture. Mouth sighs and walks to the door.) MOUTH: (Turning back.) Hey, Coach? Um,... could I ask you one more question? (Whitey watches him.) MOUTH: Off the record. (Whitey nods.) MOUTH: How do you... deal with losing someone you love? (Whitey gathers himself for a beat before pointing to the door.) WHITEY: Shut the door, son. Pull up a chair. (Mouth closes the door carefully. Shot of them through the window as Mouth resumes his seat opposite Whitey.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KARENS CAFÉ - DINING AREA - EVENING] (Lucas is sitting in the empty café with a pen and a pad. He's writing his new prediction for the coming school year. He writes: 'This year... I will try again with-'. The camera cuts back to his face as he continues to write. He looks up.) WIPE TO: [EXT. DAVIS SCOTT APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] (Haley is seen through the curtained window of her apartment. Her glasses are back on and she is writing.) LUCAS: (v.o) Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote: 'All are architects of fate... (Shot cuts inside the room as Haley concentrates on the page and her predictions.) LUCAS: (v.o) so look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again.' (Haley has written: 'Nathan and I will be together again'. She looks to the side.) (The camera cuts back outside and pans right.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - THE ROOF - EVENING] (Lucas and Haley stand together as he puts the lid back onto the green tin box. Haley smiles as he puts it back into the hole and replaces the brick that she hands him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - PEYTON'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Peyton is leaning on her bed.) PEYTON: My dad said I should talk to someone... so I'm talking to you. (She holds up a microphone.) PEYTON: All of you. (Pause) Where do I begin? Um,... well, I guess, until a few day ago, I thought... my mom was my mom (Cut to the computer screen where her speech is being recorded.) and my dad was my dad. (Fade to Peyton as she continues talking but the sound's muted.) WIPE TO: [EXT. DAVIS SCOTT RESIDENCE - BEDROOM - EVENING] (Brooke is seen through the bedroom window.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAVIS SCOTT RESIDENCE - BEDROOM - EVENING] (Cut inside to a envelope on Brooke's bed. It's addressed to Lucas. She turns it around and slips a folded piece of paper in and turns it back around. She caps the pen and opens a small compartment at the foot of her bed. Inside is a shoebox full of letters addressed to him, all with different coloured envelopes and different sizes. She puts the letter in the middle and continues flipping past the envelopes.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE CAR - EVENING] (Dan is sitting in his car, thinking. Blue lights flash on the vehicle behind him.) (Someone walks across the path to his car - it's a cop. He hands Dan an envelope. There's a cold look in Dan's eyes as he nods his thanks. He looks at it as the cop walks away and he gives it a little flick.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - DAY] (It's a new day and students are milling around the corridors as usual. Haley walks in, moving aside for a rude guy who shoulders her as he passes. She pauses and looks back for a beat before looking forward. Sue is there again, whispering to her friends about Haley and avidly looking at her.) (Haley stands there, not moving, just watching them. Nathan walks up behind her and stops when he sees what she's so distracted by. Sue and her friends pause when they see who Haley's with.) NATHAN: (Kindly) Come on, we're late for class. (Nathan smiles and walks forward. Haley gives a weak smile and walks beside him. They walk past Sue. The camera cuts behind to a close-up of Nathan putting his hand on her lower back and guiding her down the corridor. She looks at him and smiles.)

Plan: A: the first day of senior year; Q: What is the context of this episode? A: senior year; Q: What year is it for the Tree Hill gang? A: Dan; Q: Who does Lucas tell he saved his life? A: Peyton; Q: Who discovers Ellie's secret? A: Nathan; Q: Who tells Haley he is considering a divorce? A: the dealership fire; Q: What does Dan accuse several people of starting? A: Whitey; Q: Who does Dan try to get replaced as Ravens coach? A: Jesse James; Q: What is the name of the band that the episode is named after? Summary: It's the first day of senior year for the Tree Hill gang. Lucas tells Dan he saved his life. Peyton discovers Ellie's secret. Nathan tells Haley he's considering a divorce. Dan accuses several people of starting the dealership fire and tries to get Whitey replaced as Ravens coach. This episode is named after a song by the band Jesse James.

MUSIC IN: INT. MALL/CHILDREN'S SALON - DAY (MUSIC OVER SCENES OF GIRLS AND MOTHERS) PAULSON: Hey. EMILY: Hi. PAULSON: Try that one. EMILY: Okay. FORNELL: Emily! EMILY: Yes? FORNELL: Come here! EMILY: They haven't called our number yet. FORNELL: I know. PAULSON: Relax, Agent Fornell. She's fine. FORNELL: I didn't expect to see you again until... twenty-sixty-seven. PAULSON: Got a reprieve. You're not going to use that in front of your daughter. FORNELL: I don't need a gun to take you down. PAULSON: You wouldn't hurt an innocent man. FORNELL: I'm not looking at one. PAULSON: That's where you and Agent Gibbs got it wrong. FORNELL: Agent Gibbs is retired. PAULSON: I know. Why do you think I'm talking to you? FORNELL: I have no idea. Why don't you enlighten me? PAULSON: I told you. You got the wrong guy. And if there's a shred of decency in you, and brains, you'll reopen my case and find the right one. Now, I'm going to walk out of here. You'll want to follow. But you'll realize something... and end up just reaching for that cell instead. FORNELL: Really? PAULSON: Yeah. FORNELL: Why's that? PAULSON: I might not be alone. (TO EMILY) See you, sweetie. EMILY: 'Bye! (MUSIC UP AND OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) MUSIC IN: EXT. HOUSE - DAY MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. BASEMENT - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIBBS LOOKS THROUGH STORAGE BOXES/ PHOTOS) MARNY: (V.O.) The basement needs some work. But if it doesn't shout (ON CAMERA) wine seller, I don't know what does. Have a look and I'll be right back. GIBBS: First my wife, now my house? FORNELL: No! No, I learned my lesson. I'm through with your leftovers. You're going to need a bigger box for that boat. GIBBS: You come all the way out here to give me packing tips, Tobias? FORNELL: Actually, I came to tell you that Petty Officer Derrick Paulson escaped from prison yesterday. GIBBS: (BEAT) No! FORNELL: I haven't asked you anything yet. You caught him last time. Figured you might like to catch him again. GIBBS: You thought wrong. FORNELL: He came to see me, Jethro, when I was with Emily. GIBBS: Is she okay? FORNELL: For now. He just wanted to tell me that I got the wrong man, then strongly suggested that I reopen his case to prove it. GIBBS: He's risking a lot for something he knows can't happen. FORNELL: You think? I don't know what his game is, but I'm not going to get a good night's sleep until that S.O.B. is back behind bars. GIBBS: You don't need me to find him. FORNELL: Need? (ANGRILY) A convicted killer was two inches from my daughter! Handing her crayons! He touched her! We're way beyond need, Jethro! (BEAT) Nice tan. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY ZIVA: It's really not that bad, McGee. MCGEE: For a spy you're a horrible liar. LEE: Ziva's right. You can hardly notice. But... MCGEE: But? LEE: I wouldn't let Agent DiNozzo see it if I were you. TONY: Let Agent DiNozzo see what? MCGEE: (MUMBLES) Nothing. TONY: Why are you mumbling, McGee? MCGEE: (MUMBLES) I'm not mumbling. TONY: Well, you either just said "mimes aren't rumbling" or "I'm not mumbling." And I don't see any mimes. Agent Lee, why is Agent McGee mumbling? LEE: He over-bleached his teeth, Sir. Apparently he fell asleep while wearing his bleaching tray, Sir. TONY: You don't watch Friends, do you? Same thing happened to Ross. You could have learned from our friend's mistake. But you chose to read instead! Let me see the damage. MCGEE: (MUMBLES) No. TONY: As team leader, people, I need to be aware of any condition that might affect an agent's ability to perform his or her duties. ZIVA: And what does having embarrassingly white teeth have to do with performing his duties? MCGEE: You said it was not that bad! TONY: She lied! Open up your mouth. MCGEE: (MUMBLES) No. TONY: Let me see the Chiclets. MCGEE: (MUMBLES) No. TONY: Let me see them. MCGEE: (MUMBLES) No. TONY: Open your - Gibbs! MCGEE: What is...? TONY: I have no idea. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIBBS QUICKLY WALKS UPSTAIRS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SHEPARD'S OUTER OFFICE CYNTHIA: Agent Gibbs! I'm - Mister.... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SHEPARD'S OFFICE - DAY (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) SHEPARD: Just as I was getting used to my door being treated as a door. (INTO PHONE) I'll call you back, Todd. GIBBS: I need a temporary reinstatement. SHEPARD: I assume you're here because of ex-Petty Officer Derrick Paulson? I read Agent Fornell's report. Why the sudden, if temporary, interest in bank robbers? GIBBS: If you've read Fornell's report, Jen, then you already know. We're wasting time. SHEPARD: It's not that simple, Jethro. You left. I appreciate what you did for Ziva, but this is not some gym membership that you can turn on and off. GIBBS: No, I can't. But I'm not Director of NCIS. SHEPARD: And the Director of NCIS already filed your retirement package with NAVY Human Resources. GIBBS: Unfile it. SHEPARD: It doesn't work that way, Jethro! It would take weeks to reinstate you! And that's even if you manage to pass your -- GIBBS: My Psych Evaluation? Or are you talking about my Firearms Proficiency Exam? SHEPARD: No. That one I'm not worried about. (BEAT) Wait! (LONG BEAT) Let me at least ... validate your parking. (SFX: DRAWER OPENS) SHEPARD: (GASPS) That's strange! I could have sworn I filed this! Your retirement package! I must have accidentally put in for your unused leave time instead. Of which, it seems, there are six days left until it has to be filed. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: Come on, don't tell me you don't eavesdrop, Cynthia. Every director's assistant eavesdrops. ZIVA: (OVERLAP) He's coming! He's coming! TONY: Hey, Gibbs. Just visiting the neighborhood, or... taking your desk back? TONY: Let's go. (PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) You should have been here half an hour ago.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) FORNELL: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, I'm just getting Emily settled... (SCENE CUT) FORNELL: (V.O./FILTERED) ...at my mom's place. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) You want me to send an agent over? (SCENE CUT) FORNELL: (INTO PHONE) How many can you spare? (CAMERA ANGLE ON TONY) TONY: Okay, I've got an idea. Maybe he lost his memory again, and forgot he quit his job. MCGEE: Wouldn't he be sitting at his old desk then? ZIVA: If Gibbs wanted us to know what he was doing, he would have told us. TONY: Oh, right! Because he would never expect us to figure out for ourselves! (ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN) SHEPARD: (V.O.) Gibbs is back (ON CAMERA) on temporary assignment. The Paulson case. ZIVA: Paulson? TONY: Petty Officer Derrick Paulson. Knocked over a bank. Killed two of his accomplices. Money was never found. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Paulson's prison cell. I want to see what was in it. FORNELL: (V.O./FILTERED) Already had the contents sent over. Maybe your techs can find something mine couldn't. (SCENE CUT) EMILY: 'Bye, Daddy! FORNELL: (INTO PHONE) I'm worried. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) She'll be fine, Tobias. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Paulson isn't after her. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) I ruined his life, Jethro. We don't know what he's after. (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY GIBBS: Anything good? ABBY: Yeah. It's a jail-house appeal from some escaped convict. The guy really knows his forensics. (BEAT) (GASPS) I knew it! I knew it! I won't need these anymore now that you're actually here! I knew you'd come back! GIBBS: I'm not back. ABBY: Of course you're back. I can feel your badge. It is your badge, right? You are back. GIBBS: Reinstatement's only temporary, Abs. Until I can find Paulson. ABBY: We'll see about that. So what can I do for you, Temporarily-Reinstated Agent Gibbs? GIBBS: Process the contents of Paulson's cell. ABBY: What am I looking for? Oh, right! Anything to help you find him. GIBBS: I want to know what he was up to before he escaped. Unless the three of you have any other suggestions? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: Uh... hey! We were... we were just eavesdropping like little girls. But we do have suggestions. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) Prison records show ... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY ZIVA: .... that only one person ever came to visit Paulson in jail. MCGEE: Mickey Stokes. Seventy-two. Former Navy Sailor. ZIVA: And since Paulson has no family, we should assume that he'll try to contact Mickey. TONY: And I already have an address. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY GIBBS: Tony, Ziva, you're with me. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: McGee, stay here and-- GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Stay here and help Abby. TONY: Help Abby....process Paulson's belongings. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY GIBBS: Then gargle this before the rest of us go snow-blind. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. MICKEY'S HOUSE - DAY (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) (SFX: CAR DOORS OPEN/CLOSE) TONY: Gibbs seemed awfully quiet in the car. ZIVA: Well, it's not like you were giving him a chance to talk, Tony. Are you nervous he's going to want his old job back? TONY: No, I'm just bringing him up to speed on the latest protocols. (DOOR OPENS) MICKEY: What took you hot-shots so long? He's been waiting over an hour! Hey, shoes off! (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ALL MOVE INTO THE HOUSE) TONY: Clear! ZIVA: Clear! GIBBS: Where is he? MICKEY: Well, I never said he was here. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Gibbs.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) PAULSON: (V.O./FILTERED) I didn't expect to hear... (SCENE CUT) PAULSON: (INTO PHONE) ...your voice. I heard you quit. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Retired. PAULSON: (V.O./FILTERED) Ha ha. At your age? (SCENE CUT) PAULSON: (INTO PHONE) That's quitting. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Why don't you... (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: ...turn yourself in? You can tell me about this in person. (SCENE CUT) PAULSON: (INTO PHONE) Turn myself in for what? I'm an innocent man. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Try broken record. PAULSON: (V.O./FILTERED) So you're... (SCENE CUT) PAULSON: (INTO PHONE) ...not going to reopen my case? GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) We both know what I'll... (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) ... find if I do. So why don't you tell me what you really want? (SCENE CUT) PAULSON: (INTO PHONE) I already got it, Agent Gibbs. (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOUSE - DAY TONY: So what does he really want? GIBBS: Our car. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. HOUSE - DAY ZIVA: They appear to be close. TONY: Well, they say a way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Meals on Wheels. Looks like Paulson was a volunteer. ZIVA: He volunteered to put... meals on wheels? TONY: They bring food to the elderly, Ziva. (PASSAGE OF TIME) MICKEY: Of course I helped him! Derrick was like a son to me. I was the closest thing he had to family. What would you do if it was your kid in trouble? FORNELL: I would have told him to give himself up before he got hurt. MICKEY: Well, I'm glad you ain't my old man, Fornell. Shoes off!! FORNELL: And I certainly wouldn't let him steal my car. GIBBS: Didn't. It was Dinozzo's car. MICKEY: He just wants you to re-open his case! You been reading my letters the past four years? You bozos got the wrong guy. FORNELL: Paulson took advantage of you, Mickey. He only brought you food because you lived near the bank he was casing. GIBBS: You wasted your life savings defending the wrong guy. MICKEY: Hey, not my computer! I've got an online date tonight! FORNELL: Where is he, Mickey? GIBBS: He doesn't know. FORNELL: Are you sure? Want to hit him for aiding and abetting? GIBBS: He did shelter Paulson and gave him money. TONY: I say we use him as bait. Give Mickey a pass, put a man on him in case Paulson comes back. GIBBS: You're the boss. (PHONE RINGS) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Yeah. Where? Anything in it? (SFX: MUFFLED VOICE B.G.) (SFX: HANGS UP PHONE) TONY: (TO GIBBS) D.C. Metro just found our car half a mile from here. The only thing missing was my laptop. GIBBS: And every file we had on Paulson. MICKEY: I told you! He just... he just wants to work on his case. FORNELL: Except he's had all his case files since the trial. ZIVA: Perhaps ours have something his didn't. GIBBS: They do. TONY: The addresses of the witnesses who testified against him. MICKEY: He's not a threat to anyone! He's on the run and unarmed. ZIVA: Do you keep any weapons in the house? MICKEY: Oh, great. Now you're going to pin another crime on him? Just my old Colt. FORNELL: Where is it? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY LEE: Paulson could be after any one of a half-dozen witnesses. I've never seen a convicted felon file so many appeals. It's an abuse of the system. ABBY: We're all entitled to our day in court. LEE: Not according to Agent Gibbs. I've been going over his case files. He seems to prefer a more... Biblical approach to things. If you ask me, the agency is better off without him. (ABBY SLAMS THE BOOK ON THE COUNTER) LEE: Oh! ABBY: I like you, Michelle. So I'm just going to pretend like you didn't say that! NCIS is lucky to have Gibbs back! LEE: Except he's not staying. ABBY: You do realize-- LEE: You can kill me without leaving any forensic evidence behind? Yeah. You mentioned that. ABBY: Good then. It's settled. Gibbs is staying. He has to. Right, Gibbs? GIBBS: What do you got for me, Abby? ABBY: Paulson's fingerprints on the gun case and on Mickey's computer. LEE: And he's also visited over a dozen people search sites. I think he was looking for someone. GIBBS: Yeah, I got that part. ABBY: No names yet, but I'm using the F.B.I.'s mainframe to decrypt the search cache. Well, you always did have really good timing. OLD WOMAN: (ON MONITOR) Mickey! Where the hell is Mickey, you tramp!? ABBY: Mickey isn't here! (TO GIBBS) It's Mickey's online playmate. She keeps tunneling through my firewall. GIBBS: Russell Nash. LEE: Apparently he's... GIBBS: The only accomplice Paulson didn't kill. LEE: Yeah, and the one he really should have. Nash copped a plea and testified against Paulson. Paulson got life, and Nash walked in eighteen months. Skipped out on his parole. Hasn't been seen since. ABBY: Well, if the money was never found, then maybe Paulson is looking for Nash because he thinks Nash has the money. GIBBS: Or maybe Paulson is looking for something a little more... Biblical. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) Thank you. I'll let Agent Gibbs know immediately, and I'll see you Saturday. Okay. (HANGS UP PHONE) MCGEE: Hey, was the F.B.I. able to warn all the witnesses? ZIVA: All except for one. Is this your third Caf-POW!, McGee? MCGEE: It's my fourth. How do they look? ZIVA: Ooh. Maybe you should switch to blueberries. Anything good on our tip hotline? MCGEE: Is there ever? Half our callers don't know what a tip is. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. STAIRCASE - DAY ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) Have you spoken to Gibbs yet? MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) What about? ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) You're not wondering why he's back? MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) To help Fornell. Like he helped you. GIBBS: Taking a little break, Dinozzo? TONY: Oh, I think you know exactly what I'm doing, Agent Gibbs. MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) Why do you think he's back? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY ZIVA: I don't know but I'm hoping it's more than just Fornell. Let's just say I'm getting sick of the... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. STAIRCASE - DAY ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) ... campfires. TONY: Showtime. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: I wouldn't let Tony hear you say that. TONY: Say what, Agent McGee? ZIVA: Yeah, I was telling McGee the F.B.I. was able to... TONY: ... warn all the witnesses from Paulson's trial except for one? ZIVA: Right! The only one they couldn't find was-- GIBBS: Russell Nash. TONY: I have much to learn still, Master. Campfire! There you go. (TO GIBBS) It's sort of a new thing I like to do. I find it focuses the group better than just...you know, shouting across the bullpen. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Let's focus on Russell Nash. ZIVA: The inside man. MCGEE: Worked for the bank that Paulson knocked over. ZIVA: Our only missing witness. GIBBS: According to Abby, he's the one Paulson's after. MCGEE: If we find Nash... ABBY: ...we find Paulson. TONY: Campfire over. JIMMY: (V.O.) And the last question. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY JIMMY: In your own words, the difference between ethics and morals. DUCKY: Well, the ethical man knows he shouldn't cheat on his wife. Whereas the moral man actually wouldn't. (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN/ CLOSED) JIMMY: You're going to ace your oral exams, Doctor. GIBBS: Going back to school? DUCKY: I never stopped. JIMMY: The doctor's getting a degree in forensic psychology. DUCKY: Yes, and with it I'll be able to add the psychological autopsy to my arsenal. I'll not only be able to uncover the "hows" of our patients' demise, but the why's as well. I mean, what motivates us can be a very tricky thing. I was wondering when you were going to come down and see me. GIBBS: I've been busy. DUCKY: Or avoiding me. I wonder why that could be. GIBBS: I'm not staying. DUCKY: Oh, I didn't think you were. I'm aware that when Leroy Jethro Gibbs makes up his mind, his mind's made up. So... why are you here? GIBBS: The Paulson case. How much do you know? DUCKY: Well, I took the liberty of examining the M.E.'s reports on Paulson's two murdered accomplices. GIBBS: Anything bug you? DUCKY: It's about as watertight a case as I've ever seen, pathologically thinking. Why? Do you suspect foul play in the foul play? GIBBS: No. DUCKY: Yet you're down here asking me if anything "bugs you" about the case. Are you getting one of those famous gut instincts again? GIBBS: I've already had that. And it said that Paulson was guilty. DUCKY: When Leroy Jethro Gibbs makes up his mind, his mind's made up. Too bad for Petty Officer Paulson. Let's hope things work out better for you in Mexico. (PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Uh-huh? TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) No word on the Russell Nash...(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) ...BOLO, but we got something off the top hotline on Paulson. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) What? MCGEE: Paulson. (SCENE CUT) PAULSON: (V.O./FILTERED) Hey, Jethro. So you got a tip hotline to find me, but nothing on... (SCENE CUT) PAULSON: (ON TAPE) ...my original case. Not cool. I'm going to have to do something about that. But for now... (SCENE CUT) PAULSON: (V.O./FILTERED) ... I'm just calling to say thanks for the car. (SCENE CUT) PAULSON: (ON TAPE) I left you a token of my appreciation in return. I'm sure you'll find it soon. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Called his own tip hotline. (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: I'm starting to like this guy. ZIVA: We're getting an address from the back-trace now. MCGEE: We've got it. It's in the city. Forty-two... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) ...forty-two... GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) ...Adams Boulevard. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: You been there before, Boss? GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) That's where Paulson killed his two accomplices. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. ALLEY - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/CARS BRAKE TO A STOP) LEE: Is Agent Gibbs aware a warrant hasn't officially come through yet? MCGEE: I think he got it by the fifth time you told him, Lee. FORNELL: Got my teams out front. Any idea what his game is this time? GIBBS: Not a clue. TONY: Okay, McGee, Ziva, fire escape. Lee.... GIBBS: ... watch the cars. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HALLWAY - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/AGENTS MOVE DOWN THE HALLWAY) (DOOR CLOSES) TONY: (WHISPERS) Get back! FORNELL: I imagine you'd rather be enjoying a nice drink in a cantina right about now. GIBBS: The thought had crossed my mind. FORNELL: Mine, too. TONY: Any bets on Paulson's token of appreciation? FORNELL: Let's hope it's not Russell Nash's head on a stick. GIBBS: (SHOUTS) Federal agents! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/CAMERA PANS AROUND THE ROOM) (MUSIC UP AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY ZIVA: It appears ex-Petty Officer Paulson is attempting to highlight the discrepancies in his crime scene. GIBBS: Yeah. I picked up on that. ZIVA: For a guilty man, he's unusually intent on trying to convince us of his innocence. NOTE: SECOND SHOT IN SECOND VICTIM FROM HERE. FORNELL: Picked up on that, too. NOTE: WHY DIDN'T ANYONE HEAR? ZIVA: No one heard the shooting? FORNELL: Well, it's not exactly a Neighborhood Watch kind of place. NOTE: DNA PLANTED UNDER THE FINGERNAILS ZIVA: And the fact that Paulson's DNA was found under this victim's fingernails, but there was no other sign of a struggle? GIBBS: Mm-hmm. See that about a quarter of the time, Ziva. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HALLWAY - DAY GIBBS: Why isn't he running? FORNELL: Good question. What's that gut of yours say? GIBBS: Four years ago? That Paulson is guilty. FORNELL: Didn't mean four years ago. GIBBS: Paulson isn't after Nash for the money from the bank job. FORNELL: He's after Nash because Nash is the one man who could exonerate him. So was your gut wrong four years ago? Or is it wrong now? ZIVA: Our job is not to reopen Paulson's case. Just catch him. GIBBS: Paulson's already reopened his case, Ziva. FORNELL: Doesn't matter what our job is, if we want to figure out his next move. GIBBS: Now we have to reopen it, too. FORNELL: He's a smart kid. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY SHEPARD: The public defender who represented Paulson is out on maternity leave. TONY: Prosecutor? ZIVA: Naval reservist. Deployed to Iraq two years ago. MCGEE: Killed by an IED last month. LEE: Unless we find someone familiar with the Paulson case, it'll take us days just to catch up to speed, much less anticipate Paulson's next move. SHEPARD: Relax. Gibbs brought in Mickey Stokes. No one knows Paulson better than him. LEE: Is he even a lawyer? TONY: Well, we can't all be lawyers, Agent Lee. (GIBBS WALKS WITH MICKEY THROUGH THE SQUAD ROOM) MICKEY: So what changed your mind about my boy? Great Oz finally give you guys a heart? GIBBS: Who said I changed my mind? MICKEY: It definitely wasn't a brain. GIBBS: If Paulson was framed, we need to find out how. MICKEY: Well, maybe it was a brain. Either way, thank you. I've waited a long time for someone to listen. GIBBS: Don't thank me just yet. Jury had two weeks. They didn't buy it that Paulson was framed. You have one day to convince our forensic scientist otherwise. ABBY: You must be Mickey. MICKEY: Well, I'll be whoever you want me to be! GIBBS: Mickey, you'll do just fine. MICKEY: I like your outfit. ABBY: Thank you. MICKEY: My dog has a collar like that.(ELEVATOR DOORS SLIDE CLOSE) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: For the sake of argument, let's say that Derrick Paulson was framed. SHEPARD: That makes Russell Nash your prime suspect. TONY: Exactly, Director. Hey, Gibbs! Why don't you come on over and join us for a little campfire. (GIBBS WALKS O.S.) LEE: Where's he going? ZIVA: Basement. MCGEE: Fornell. TONY: Whiskey. SHEPARD: Not tonight. His real estate agent is fumigating his house. Apparently Gibbs got termites. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT FORNELL: I'd offer you the sofa, but I told Emily you were staying over, she insisted you take her room. Even said you can sleep with her Raspberry Rumtart doll. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CAMPGROUND - FLASHBACK KELLY: Hey, watch! You may now kiss the bride! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. EMILY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT FORNELL: So it was four wives. Unless there's anything else you want to tell me. GIBBS: Is there something you want to know, Tobias? FORNELL: You had a family, Jethro. I know you like to play it close to the vest, but... hell, I was married to your second wife! GIBBS: I tried to warn you. FORNELL: I know, I know. I didn't listen. If I did, I'd still have a house with a guest bedroom for you. I know it's not our usual stuff. So we screwed up. GIBBS: Wait and see what Abby says. FORNELL: We screwed up. Big time. I'm sure it wasn't the first time. I know it's not going to be the last. GIBBS: My last. FORNELL: At least we could still make it right. GIBBS: (V.O.) If Russell Nash did frame Paulson, he's not going to come clean when Paulson finds him. (ON CAMERA) He's going to kill Paulson. FORNELL: I know it. I said we screwed up, didn't I? It's funny how things work out. When I was a kid, all I ever thought about was being an F.B.I. agent. Now, not a day goes by I don't think about being a kid. I don't pay much attention. The way I figure it, anyone doesn't want to quit this job, isn't doing it right. LEE: (V.O.) My mother will kill me if she sees this. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY ABBY: It's a henna tattoo. It'll come off in a few days. MICKEY: It looks good! Of course, I love a girl with tattoos. ABBY: I've noticed. LEE: Can we just get this over with, please? ABBY: Go over there. Okay, could you move around a bit? (SIGHS) All right, how about just walk back and forth? MICKEY: Try... try it with a little attitude. A little attitude. You know, swing the hips. You know. Hey, give her something to dance to! (MUSIC UP) MICKEY: Swing! Swing the pelvis. Like you're walking down the street! Come on, get those shoulders... LEE: (LAUGHING) Mickey, stop! MICKEY: Swing the shoulders? Huh. LEE: Okay, only 'cause it's you, Mickey.(SFX: LEE LAUGHS) MICKEY: Hey! Hey! Hey! (MUSIC OVER ACTION/LEE BUMPS INTO GIBBS) (SFX: LEE GASPS) LEE: This is not what it looks like. (TO ABBY) Abby, please turn the music off now, please? Off? I'm... so... this is what we were doing, Sir. We were working on the pos - we were... ABBY: We were establishing a baseline of henna ink's optical reflectivity. You want to know why? (BEAT) I'm glad you asked. We were trying to figure out if the evidence was planted to frame Paulson. MICKEY: Yeah, like the DNA they found that could easily have come from some... uh... why is he looking at me like that? ABBY: He's kind of a bottom line guy. LEE: Bottom line, the more Mickey told us, the guiltier Paulson looked. ABBY: Until we looked at video from the bank job. Paulson was identified by his custom tattoo. One of a kind. Unique as a fingerprint, and pretty cool. LEE: With the corroborating evidence, it was more than enough for a jury to convict. GIBBS: Do you think it's a copy? ABBY: That's why we were taking the pictures. It looks like a henna tattoo. LEE: But if Russell Nash had a copy made to frame Paulson... ABBY: ... there would be a color mismatch. GIBBS: Can you prove it? ABBY: Yeah. But we're going to have to see Paulson's original tattoo for the test. MICKEY: He'll never go for that. Not unless he believes you're serious about reopening his case, and he won't believe that until you haul in that b*st*rd Russell Nash. GIBBS: Working on it. LEE: We've got a lead on that, too. ABBY: The F.B.I. has been doing background checks on all of Nash's buddies. LEE: Meet Gary Silverstein, Russell Nash's old roommate. He used to work at a tattoo shop. It could just be a coincidence if - wow! He hates me! [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STREET - DAY TONY: No, no, no, no, no, no. Careful, Gary! GARY: I told you to stand five steps back. Insurance reasons. TONY: You can get insurance to be a flipper? GARY: Human directional. TONY: You're a sign, Gary! GARY: Yeah, I'm the future! You know what, man? I brought in an extra ten grand last month to Broadbus Burgers. In a couple years, this is probably going to be an Olympic sport, right?! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - PARKED ZIVA: Do you think you could be happy flipping a sign all day? GIBBS: I don't know. ZIVA: I think you'd get bored. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STREET - DAY TONY: You gotta stop doing that. Stop it! GARY: Am I under arrest? TONY: No. GARY: Then no, man. I work by the hour. TONY: Gary, I can think of a lot of ways to arrest you. A lot of them. GARY: All right. What else is there to say? Yeah, I worked at the tat shop. Yes, I lived with Nash. No, I don't know where he is, and I don't know nothing about no bank robbery. That went down after he moved out. All right? Sorry, dude. TONY: Good luck in Beijing in oh-eight, Gary. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - PARKED ZIVA: I'm just saying a man of your drive and ambition needs a certain kind of-- GIBBS: I'm not staying, Ziva. ZIVA: That obvious? (DOOR OPENS) ZIVA: So? How'd it go? TONY: I'll tell you in twenty seconds. ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) He's already making...(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) ABBY: .... a call. MCGEE: Putting it on speaker. NASH: (ON TAPE) Hey, you got Nash. Leave me a message after the beep. TONY: I'd say that went well. GARY: (V.O./FILTERED) Hey, Nash. This is Gary. (SCENE CUT) GARY: (INTO PHONE) I know you told me to call you here never, man, but there were some Feds here and they were asking questions about that.... (SCENE CUT) GARY: (V.O./FILTERED) ....tat. MCGEE: It's a Baltimore prefix. GARY: (V.O./FILTERED) At least I think they were.... (SCENE CUT) GARY: (INTO PHONE) .... Feds. I never heard of no N.C... (SCENE CUT) GARY: (V.O./FILTERED) ...C.I.S. ABBY: Got it. Eighty-two West Pratt. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Street, apartment twelve. TONY: I know it. Forty miles north of here. (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY ZIVA: Not bad for rush hour. TONY: Only you could make it forty miles in thirty minutes, Boss. Something's wrong.(STREET SOUNDS B.G. - SIREN B.G.) ZIVA: Maybe Paulson beat us here and found out the hard way that Nash wasn't willing to change his testimony. POLICE: (V.O.) Stay right where you are... stay right there. TONY: It's Nash. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: The end is never pleasant. For this young man, doubly so. TONY: At least he had a great view on the way down. DUCKY: I doubt that he enjoyed it, seeing that his jaw was broken as well as six of his fingers and his ... knee. And all this before he fell. GIBBS: Killer beat him first. DUCKY: More like he was interrogated. This damage is too methodical - too calculated to be a simple beating. Whoever did this was after information. And when he got it... he repaid his victim with these. TONY: (V.O.) Guess we can rule out suicide. DUCKY: Yes, unless Mister Nash was able to shoot himself in the back... three times in a row. TONY: Oh, do we have to do this now? ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) The slugs are Winchester hollow points! Winchester hollow points! (ON MONITOR) Hey Gibbs! Gibbs! Cool, huh? They were fired from the Colt that Baltimore P.D. found near the scene. GIBBS: Abs, did you run the serial number? ABBY: (ON MONITOR) It's the same gun that Paulson took from Mickey Stokes' house. He tried to wipe it, but I found a partial print. DUCKY: So the gentleman who asked us to prove his innocence just killed the one man who could exonerate him. TONY: Nash didn't frame Paulson. They were partners, until Nash double-crossed him. DUCKY: Our ex-Petty Officer didn't want to clear himself. He was looking for the money. ABBY: (ON MONITOR) And he used us to take him straight to the bank. Smart kid. TONY: But if your gut says Paulson's innocent, then maybe we're missing something. GIBBS: The only thing that I am missing right now is happy hour at Carlos' Cantina. (GIBBS WALKS TO THE ELEVATOR) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ELEVATOR - DAY (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN/ CLOSED) (GIBBS TURNS OFF THE POWER/ TURNS IT BACK ON) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY ABBY: (INTO PHONE) You are security, right? Don't let Gibbs leave the building! I already told you why, Tom! GIBBS: Abby? ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Nevermind! False alarm! (TO GIBBS) Gibbs, thank god! I was so sure that you'd be half way to Mexico by now. Sorry. You're a flight risk. GIBBS: Abby! ABBY: We're going to figure out this case, Gibbs! We always do! (BEAT) You already figured it out. GIBBS: No, but you're going to. I want to know how Paulson knows. ABBY: Knows what? GIBBS: Everything. Everything that we seem to. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: Russell Nash hid the money from the bank job somewhere. MCGEE: If Paulson gets to it before us... ZIVA: ... he's gone for good. TONY: So where is it? ZIVA: Nash was using an assumed name. All transactions were cash only. MCGEE: Well, it's not in a bank. Storage maybe? ZIVA: A third party could be holding it. TONY: I'll look at properties under an alias. Maybe he hid the money in a mattress somewhere. Campfire over. ZIVA: Where's Gibbs? TONY: I don't know. ZIVA: Is anything wrong? TONY: Uh, well, actually yeah. There's quite a lot wrong, Ziva. Aside from McGee's teeth, we have a dead man who shouldn't be dead. An innocent man who isn't really innocent. And a trail that's about to run cold because our perp has managed to stay one step ahead of us since this whole thing started! GIBBS: Are you just noticing that now, Dinozzo? TONY: No, it's kind of been a theme.(SFX: GIBBS BANGS THE RADIO ON THE DESK) TONY: Careful. That's easy to...break. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY ABBY: It's a shortwave RF bug. Paulson probably planted it in your Dictaphone when he stole your car. And I've been burning campfires to CDE. The Dictaphone has been in my lab pretty much the entire day. TONY: At least now we know how Paulson tracked down Russell Nash. ABBY: There's the little bugger. GIBBS: Can you back track it, Abs? ABBY: It's impossible without a private cipher. But I think I know where we can get one. Paulson's crew bugged the bank's general manager for two weeks before the robbery. It was a custom job, just like this one. The cops interviewed the bug-maker. Cleared him of any involvement. I would bet a Caf-POW! that this came from the same guy. TONY: How can you tell? ABBY: He signed his name. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM STANLEY: "It is a crime for any person acting under color of the law to deprive any citizen of their legal rights." Title Eighteen, U.S. Code. ZIVA: No one is depriving you of your rights. We are simply asking for a copy of the cipher you made! STANLEY: "No one shall be compelled in any criminal case to a witness against himself." That'd be the Fifth Amendment. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) No one has accused you of a crime either. STANLEY: (V.O./FILTERED) Then why did your goon confiscate my files? ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) Because....(ZIVA CONTINUES B.G.) MCGEE: Goon? TONY: I told you to stop hunching your shoulders. MCGEE: How do you know he wasn't talking about you? TONY: It's called a mirror, McGee. (INTO PHONE) No, I said every exit, not every other exit. For the same reason you don't floss every other tooth. (DOOR OPENS) GIBBS: Where's that cipher, Dinozzo? TONY: We hit a little snafu, Boss. Gibbs. STANLEY: (V.O./FILTERED) Federal Code also states.... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM STANLEY: ... that not only do I have the right to remain silent, but to withhold any information.... (SCENE CUT) INT. INTERROGATION ROOM STANLEY: .... I see fit. TONY: If this keeps up, we may be forced to unleash Agent Lee. (DOOR OPENS) (GIBBS ENTERS THE ROOM) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM MCGEE: Well, this should be quick. TONY: It better be. We've got a fugitive on the run with a pretty big lead. The Fugitive! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM STANLEY: You can stare at me all day, G-man. I ain't talking. GIBBS: You got something to hide? STANLEY: What? So I refuse to talk, and that means I'm guilty? You ever hear of Miranda versus Arizona, nineteen sixty-six? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM TONY: I've been here all this time. How could I have missed it? It's that simple. (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) ZIVA: Missed what? TONY: Gibbs is clearly Tommy Lee Jones, right? I mean, there's no argument there. Which makes me Joey Pants. Initially, I was a little, you know... ZIVA: What happened? We've been avoiding the word fugitive for the last two days. MCGEE: He made the connection himself. STANLEY: (V.O./FILTERED) The bottom line, eyeball. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM STANLEY: I run a lawfully licensed spy shop. I'm not responsible for what my clientele does with my product. I don't have to answer any more of your questions, no matter what you say! GIBBS: (LONG BEAT) I've got this little girl... who wants to go home to her dad. And that's not going to happen without your help. So... please? MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. OBSERVATION ROOM TONY: Did Gibbs just say--? MCGEE: Mm-hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM STANLEY: What did you... what did you want to know again? MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. YARD - NIGHT MCGEE: Signal's strong. No movement. GIBBS: Got eyes on the target, Ziva? ZIVA: I did. Suspect's in the house, and he's not alone. GIBBS: Are you sure? ZIVA: I heard Paulson's voice. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ALL MOVE TOWARD THE HOUSE) MICKEY: (V.O./FILTERED) Let me give you some more money in case you need it. PAULSON: (V.O./FILTERED) I won't. TONY: In position, Boss. MICKEY: (V.O./FILTERED) Come here. Take this. MCGEE: Gun! GIBBS: Move! Move! MICKEY: (V.O./FILTERED) Please, take it! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (DOOR OPENS) GIBBS: Hold it! (SHOUTS) Hold it! TONY: Don't do it, Derrick. We will shoot you. GIBBS: Tony, McGee, put your weapons down. (TO PAULSON) I was wrong. I know you're innocent, Petty Officer. But you're not, Mickey! Dinozzo! TONY: You're under arrest for the murders of Russell Nash, his two accomplices in the Greater Virginia bank robbery, and last but not least, the Greater Virginia Bank robbery. MICKEY: Is your porch light on? First you wrongly accused Derrick and now me? TONY: We also found the bug you planted in our forensic tech's lab. ZIVA: We were almost as surprised as you look now when the guy you bought it from pointed you out in that photo instead of Paulson. MICKEY: This is ridiculous. Do I look like I got five million bucks laying around? PAULSON: If he set me up, where's the money? MICKEY: Yeah! They don't know what they're talking about. MCGEE: It's here. It's been here the whole time. It's a Rosewood Bureau Plat desk, nineteenth century. That's thirty eight thousand dollars. First edition Huckleberry Finn, twenty thousand dollars. And it looks like in the bedroom here you've got a Chippendale mahogany case clock. That's six figures, easy. Mickey, you don't collect this stuff on a Navy pension. MICKEY: Whoa! Whoa! Agent Gibbs. GIBBS: Don't talk to me. I think he should shoot you. Except he's never been a killer. (TO PAULSON) I don't think you're going to start now. PAULSON: And miss his trial? Not for the world. TONY: You're a real piece of work, Mickey. (MICKEY WALKS O.S.) MCGEE: (BEAT) Antiques Roadshow. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT SHEPARD: I just came by to tell you that Derrick Paulson has been cleared of all charges. You saved that boy's life. GIBBS: He did most of the work. SHEPARD: Don't sell yourself short. Or is it too late for that? GIBBS: Is this supposed to be some sort of pep talk to get me to stay, Jen? You don't want me back. SHEPARD: No, I don't. GIBBS: Worried you won't be able to handle me, Director? SHEPARD: No, Jethro. I'm afraid you won't be able to handle yourself. You have already been in two comas. You might not come out of the third. The fact is, you're good. The best. When you're as good at something as you are, when you can make a difference like you can, you just don't quit. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/SHEPARD WALKS UPSTAIRS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY ZIVA: You know, you used to be a nice person, McGee. MAN: Good morning. ZIVA: I think sitting at Tony's desk is affecting your personality. TONY: For the better. McGee picked up a girl all by himself. ZIVA: Yeah, at a funeral! TONY: You didn't tell me that. MCGEE: Well, you were right, man, because when women are vulnerable...you get right in there... (MUSIC OVER ACTION/CAMERA PANS AROUND THE ROOM) GIBBS: (BEAT) What? (MUSIC UP AND OUT)

Plan: A: murder; Q: What was the former petty officer convicted of? A: prison; Q: Where did the former petty officer escape from? A: forces; Q: What does the escaped prisoner do to Fornell? A: Fornell; Q: Who is the FBI agent that is forced to reopen the case? A: the real culprit; Q: What does the petty officer want to find? A: his own innocence; Q: What does the petty officer claim? A: Director Shepard; Q: Who reinstated Gibbs as an NCIS agent? A: help; Q: What does Fornell ask Gibbs for? A: his former team's disappointment; Q: What is Gibbs' former team's reaction to his reinstatement? A: the reinstatement; Q: What does Gibbs insist is only temporary? A: discrepancies; Q: What does the team find in the petty officer's case? Summary: A former petty officer, convicted of murder, escapes from prison and forces F.B.I. Special Agent Fornell to reopen his case in order to find the real culprit whilst claiming his own innocence. Fornell asks Gibbs, who had worked on the case before and is reinstated as an NCIS agent by Director Shepard, for help when his daughter is threatened. To his former team's disappointment, Gibbs insists that the reinstatement is only temporary. The team soon finds discrepancies in the petty officer's case and that he may have been framed.

At Manny's locker (Manny opens her locker and starts ripping up a picture of Craig.) Emma: Locker renovation time? Manny: Times change. Things get outdated. Like hairstyles, outfits and stupid cokehead boyfriends. JT: Hey I heard about you and Craig. Sorry. Manny: Don't be. I dumped him and I couldn't be happier. Happy, happy, happy! Emma: This is happy? Manny: I guess I am a little cuckoo bananas. Emma: Which is totally normal right now. Dr. Emma's prescription is to chill. And as of this af, the house is ours for the entire weekend. We can do whatever. Manny: We should have a party. Emma: Or we could rent a DVD. Just you, me and Sean, cozy and quiet... Manny: Or we could have a party! Emma: Okay let's just say we go against my mom's specific orders not to have a party. We don't have a reason or an occasion to celebrate...at all. JT: You know what? It is Liberty's birthday. She could really use some cheering up. Manny: And as her oldest friends that's our solemn duty, isn't it? We just have to have a party. Thanks JT. You are so thoughtful. JT: Well that's me, Mr. Thoughtful. (He leaves and Manny cheers excitedly.) In the media immersion lab (Liberty watches JT and Mia talking outside the classroom.) Manny: Liberty! Just the person I wanted to talk to. Um what are you up to? Liberty: Oh just sending a reminder e-mail for the Increase The Peace summit. Manny: I meant tonight 'cause we are going to party like it's your birthday because it actually is. Liberty: Pass. Manny: Excuse me? I'm holding a birthday party for you Lib, my oldest and dearest friend in the entire school. Liberty: We've barely talked all year. Manny: We'll fix that tonight. Mucho combo while we party your brains out. Liberty: I don't have a thing to wear. My hair's a mess... Manny: Who are you talking to here? Come over early and I'll hot you up. Liberty: Uh I suppose this student council president could use a little romance. Manny: That's the spirit. We are gonna party tonight, girlfriend. Liberty: Party we will girlfriend, but it comes at a price. Come to my peace summit with Lakehurst at lunch? Manny: Me? Why me? Liberty: Experience shows that Manny Santos doubles the male attendance. Manny: Whatever. I just hope someone cute is coming because you need a date for tonight. Liberty: Let us pray. At the peace summit Damian: Hi I'm Damian. I'm Lakehurst's student council president. This is our VP, Nora. Nora: Hey guys nice to be here. Manny: (Whispers to Liberty) Someone's prayers were answered. Damian: So we're here today to figure out how to solve the problem of violence between our schools. What do we do? Danny: I'll tell you what the problem is. Your school is full of psychos. Liberty: People, if peace is to be achieved we need to get together. Any ideas? Manny: How about a spirit squad rally? Toby: And how does cheering prevent my other arm from getting sprained? Manny: Okay well we can follow it with an Increase The Peace dance. Kind of like the UN, except with human pyramids and dancing. Damian: So sounds like fun. Liberty: All in favour? (Everyone raises their hands.) Liberty: Excellent. We'll take Manny's idea to our principals. Meeting adjourned. Damian: Great idea Kofi Annan. Manny: Actually learned something in history class I guess. Damian: Cheerleader and a diplomat. Brains and beauty. Manny: Speaking of brains and beauty, it's Liberty's birthday. Big bash tonight. Close friends, fellow peace. Gotta increase the peace, right? Damian: Right. Count me in. Until then, have a good one Liberty. Liberty: I'll do my darndest. Outside the school, JT is driving by Liberty JT: Liberty! Hey. Liberty: You missed the peace summit. JT: I'm staying out of it. I've caused enough problems. I just wanted to congratulate you. Your BBPE is well deserved. Liberty: Translation? JT: Big birthday party extravaganza. Liberty: Yeah I appreciate Manny's effort, but you know how I feel about birthdays. JT: Ah yes. As I recall your exact words last year were 'why celebrate the passage of time'? Liberty: Yeah a lot has changed since then. We've moved on, grown up, both matured... even you JT. JT: Ha ha. Very funny. Liberty: Mia's a lucky girl. JT: Alas she's gonzo this weekend. Liberty: Well there's my birthday party. Your presence wouldn't be objected to. JT: Wow what a warm invitation considering that I'm the one who suggested it. Liberty: You told Manny to hold the party? JT: No big. You've just been in a funk so I thought that a birthday party would give you something to smile about. See you later. Outside the school, Spike is picking up Mr. Simpson Manny: Your love chariot's here to whisk you off to a land of romance. Mr. Simpson: It's a nature retreat Manny. Spike: Remember the rules: keep the house clean and no parties. Emma: Don't worry. It'll be like you've never left. Manny: Say hi to nature for me. (They leave and Toby walks over.) Toby: Party, party, party. Party, party, party. Emma: What's with the corny samba? Toby: Is it wrong to be excited about a rocking bash at Casa Emma/Manny? Emma: Yes! Because it's not a rocking bash. It's a teeny tiny birthday party ending at 9 sharp. Toby: That's not what Manny told me. Emma: Manny! Manny: Come on Em I really need this. Emma: I know, but Sean and I sort of had plans later...of a romantic nature. Manny: No way! Really? Emma: Really. Tonight is the night, or at least it was. Manny: Well abort, abort! I'll send bulk e-mails, I'll carpet bomb the school with flyers, anything! Emma: It's too late. Word's out, but I guess Sean and I could still you know...just promise it won't get too crazy. Manny: I promise! At the bus stop (Toby walks over to Nora.) Toby: Party at Emma Nelson's house. Here's the address. Nora: Will you be there? Derek: Party at Emma's? Toby: Don't tell anyone please! Danny: Dude we'd never! Derek and Danny: Check it! Party tonight, Emma's house! (Spinner sends Marco a text message and a bunch of other people are shown calling/e-mailing about it.) In Emma's basement Manny: Gold eye shadow will really make your eyes pop and we'll finish it off with a bronze gloss. Liberty: Do guys actually notice these things? Manny: I bet Damian will. Liberty: But what happens when he meets the person behind the lipstick? Manny: He'll love you! You're cute, smart and very unique. Liberty: Tell that to JT. Manny: Liberty you need to forget about him. Put him out of your mind. Liberty: Easier said than done. Manny: I know. Talk to me about Craig, but sista we gotta move on. Out with the old and in with the new. Speaking of new, say hello to Liberty version 2.0. (Liberty looks at herself in the mirror.) Manny: Why Ms. Van Zandt, I reckon you can steal any man's heart. (She puts her glasses back on.) Before the party really gets going Emma: Are you up for some of my trademark sweet berry slushy? Sean: I'm up for some trademark sweet berry you. I'm counting the minutes. Emma: Me too. Tick tock, tick tock. Sean: Emma you sure about this? Emma: I am the very definition of sure. (Emma pours some alcohol into her drink before they light the cake for Liberty.) Everyone: Surprise! Liberty: My favourite kind, unsurprising. JT: Well speaking about surprises, you look beautiful Liberty. Liberty: Thanks JT, I think. (There's a knock at the door.) Manny: Wait. Don't move. (She opens the door.) Manny: Marco! Spinner and Ellie... (More people walk in after them.) Marco: We brought snacks. (Manny tries to close the door, but Derek, Danny and even more people push their way in.) Derek and Danny: Hello ladies! (Manny tries to shut it again when Jay, Alex and a bunch of other people walk in.) Jay: Lock up the family jewels. Let's rock this joint. Emma: Jay what are you doing here? Who even told you about this party? Jay: Word's out on the street polka dots. Toby: Oh great. It's them. (The Lakehurst thugs walk in and Emma tries to stop them.) Emma: Okay anybody who isn't Liberty's closest and personal friends, ciao, adios, sayonara. Drake: Such a cold greeting from such a hot- Sean: Shut it. Spinner: Hey uh if you idiots are here to start something, don't even think about it. Manny: Okay. Okay let's take the testosterone down a notch. Come in, have fun, but please increase the peace. (Damian walks in.) Johnny: Consider us Lakehurst ambassadors. (Emma is shown with Sean looking very apprehensive.) In the kitchen (Manny pushes Damian towards Liberty.) Manny: Look who's here. Damian: Hey happy birthday. It's not much, but- (He gives her a mug as a present.) Liberty: Thanks. It's nice. Manny: Well I'll let you two get better acquainted. Liberty: So. Damian: So it's your birthday. Liberty: Happens this day every year. (They don't have anything to say. Everyone is dancing and Toby is kissing Nora. Danny and Derek are laughing and things are getting broken.) Manny: That is not a toy. It's a fertility symbol. Em can I have a little help? This is your house! Emma: But it's alright. My therapist says I've got to learn to chill. (Manny smells Emma's drink.) Manny: Does Mexico know you've taken all their tequila? Drink this. (She hands her a bottle of water and Emma sits down completely drunk.) [SCENE_BREAK] In Jack's room, Manny is hiding the valuables (Damian opens the door.) Manny: Baby's room is off limits. Damian: Sorry. Manny: Oh sorry I thought you were one of the crazies downstairs. Damian: Oh what like Johnny and Drake? Man I have no idea how they even heard about this party. Manny: The whole world heard about this party. Damian: Well I thought it was real cool the way you handled it. Manny: Well you know I thought it was better to have happy Lakehurst guys inside than pissed off ones outside. Damian: Oh yeah totally. Smart thinking. Manny: Thank you. So you and Liberty. Damian: Eh she's cool, but we're not right. I mean you can't just fake this stuff. You either feel it or you don't and when you do feel it, it's like time stops. Manny: And your skin gets all goose-bumpy. (Damian leans in to kiss her, but she pulls away.) Manny: Damian I barely know you and you barely know me. Damian: Let's fix that. Back at the rest of the party Derek: How about we go for a drive sometime? Alex: Yeah do you even have a licence? Derek: Yeah! Idiot licence oohhh! JT: Hey birthday girl where's your hot date? Liberty: He found someone else to not talk to. JT: Well like the song says it's your party, you can cry if you want to. Liberty: No need. Damian and I are no love match. Disappointing, but par for the course on my birthday. JT: Well luckily there are 364 non-birthdays. Good days. Days worth remembering. Liberty: Like when you taught me how to drive. JT: Yeah that was classic. Liberty: Or when we went to the drive-in and your roof leaked on us. JT: Not so classic. Liberty: Well it was to me. Like every day with you. JT: Liberty are you drunk? Liberty: No. I just want to tell the truth. I don't want to lie anymore. I still love you. JT: I uh...wow. Um wow...I- (She walks away when he can't think of anything to say and he runs after her.) JT: Can we just talk about this please! Liberty: What is there to talk about? You already gave me your answer. JT: Look I have a girlfriend. Mia who I really, really like. Liberty: Do you love her? JT: Yes. Of course I do! Liberty: Then why are you standing here talking to me? JT: I, I don't know. Liberty: I think you do. You're just too much of a coward to admit it. (Emma and Sean sneak off from the group and Manny is shown dancing close with Damian and they start to kiss.) Manny: I'm sorry! I need water. In the basement Sean: You look gorgeous tonight. How you feeling? Emma: I've never been better sexy man. (She climbs on top of him.) Sean: Emma, are you wasted? Emma: The question is, am I wasted enough? (She starts throwing up.) Sean: Oh okay, alright. Margarita meet wastebasket, wastebasket meet margarita. In the kitchen, Manny is grabbing a bunch of chocolate bars from the fridge Ellie: Somebody's hungry. Manny: My best friend's loaded, I just kissed a stranger and the house is covered in boozy film. When I'm stressed, I eat. Ellie: Glad I'm not the source. Manny: My world doesn't revolve around you Ellie. Ellie: Good, but that...that little voice inside my head, it, it wants me to apologize for what happened with Craig. Manny: He fooled both of us and thankfully he's far, far away now. Ellie: It's funny though. I'm so incredibly pissed at Craig, but I still think about him. Worry a little. Manny: Me too. Ellie: He really messed with us. (Some party guest bumps into Ellie and she walks away awkwardly.) Johnny: Hey. Peace offering. (Derek opens the beer and it sprays all over him and Jay.) Jay: You know what that means? Buh bye! Johnny: Hey relax slim shady. It's a party! Spinner: And now it's time to go. (Spinner and Jay throw them out.) Johnny: Man get your hands off me. Bad move Degrassi. (Toby and Nora are still making out when JT walks over to them.) Nora: Pee break. Toby: You know what rocks JT? Making out, with a chick. JT: Well at least someone's having a good time. Toby: Oh am I ever! Dude I can't feel my lips. JT: Tobes I got a situation here. Toby: Alright shoot. JT: Okay so I have this meatball sub, right? Zesty sauce, ooey gooey cheese and I like the sub a lot, but somehow I find myself craving oatmeal. Toby: Is this a, a Mia-ball sub? (JT nods.) Toby: Alright well it's very tasty, but you get tired of it. Oatmeal, it's always been there for you. You can depend on it. JT: I miss her Tobes. I know I shouldn't, but I do and it's so stupid! Toby: No look it's not stupid. You can't fight how you feel. Go out there and find her. JT: You know what? You're right. You're always right Tobes. I'm gonna go out there and I'm gonna get myself a big bowl of Liberty...oatmeal! Outside the party JT: Liberty! (JT sees Johnny peeing on his car.) JT: Couldn't find a toilet? Drake: He did. JT: Oh I get it. My car sucks. Ha ha you guys slay me with your humour. Drake: Yeah mascot boy? Laugh at this! (Drake runs over and stabs JT in the back.) Johnny: Man what the hell did you do? (JT sits down in shock and the guys run off as Liberty walks over and sees JT. She rushes over next to him.) Liberty: Somebody help! Please! Somebody! At the hospital Damian: Drake Lemke and Johnny DiMarco are both Lakehurst guys. Police officer: And you didn't see which one committed the offence? Manny: This is all my fault. This party was my idea. This is my fault. Sean: Manny it's not, okay? (Sean hugs her.) Emma: (On the phone) JT's hurt. It's serious. Mom I am so sorry. Okay I'll see you soon. Doctor: I need to speak to a family member. Emma: His grandma's coming, but she'll be a few hours. Toby: Wait. You can talk to me. I'm his brother. Doctor: His aorta was punctured. It's a main artery and we couldn't repair the damage. He didn't make it. Toby: What? You're joking. Doctor: I'm sorry. Your brother's gone. Toby: He's gone? Sean: I'm gonna kill him! I'm gonna... (Sean punches the wall as Manny starts to cry and Liberty walks over to them.) Liberty: What happened? Is he okay? What did the doctor say? Toby! (Toby doesn't say anything and he hugs Liberty. Manny, Emma, and Sean all step around them for a final montage of them all hugging.)

Plan: A: the Nelsons' house; Q: Where does Manny throw the party? A: Liberty; Q: Whose birthday does Manny use as a guise for the party? A: word; Q: What gets out? A: the night; Q: What quickly spirals out of control? A: Degrassi; Q: What is the name of the school? Summary: Manny decides to throw a party at the Nelsons' house while Spike and Snake are out of town and uses Liberty's birthday as a guise, but when word gets out, the night quickly spirals out of control leading to a tragedy that the students of Degrassi will never forget.

Prologue: Dublin, Ireland, 1838. It's Christmas time, and there is snow on the ground. The people in the streets are all dressed in warm cloaks. A carriage goes by. Behind it a very worried-looking young man hurries along the street. He constantly looks back to see if he's being followed. He passes a choir group singing "Silent Night", but pays them no mind. In a more crowded area he pushes his way through the people, eliciting a few comments on his rudeness. Suddenly a pair of arms reach out from an alleyway, pull him in and throw him to the snow-covered cobblestones. He looks up to see who his aggressor is, and finds Angelus standing over him, sporting his game face. Angelus: Daniel. Where were you going? Daniel: (afraid) You! You're not human. Angelus: (agreeably) Not of late, no. Daniel: (begs) Wh-what do you want? Angelus: Well, it happens that I'm hungry, Daniel, and seeing as that you're somewhat in me debt... Daniel: (frightened) Please, I can't! Angelus: A man playing at cards should have a natural intelligence or a great deal of money, and you're sadly lacking in both. Daniel tries to get up and flee, but Angelus grabs him by the coat and roars. Angelus: So I take me winnings me own way. Daniel: (looking up, terrified) The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures... Angelus: (interrupts) Daniel, be of good cheer. It's Christmas! He bites him violently on the neck. Cut to Angel's bedroom. He wakes from his dream with a start, and after realizing it was only a dream, he sits up in bed. Cut to a Sunnydale shopping district. In the window of an audio/video store a TV is tuned to the weather. Weatherman: It's going to be sunny and warm with temperatures continuing in the high 70s (about 25C) throughout the holiday weekend. Just a little warm to light the Yule log, but it should make for a very nice Christmas. Angel walks past the shop window at a brisk pace and crosses the street. Somewhere on the block is a group of carolers singing "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen". Angel passes a Santa Claus ringing a bell and collecting for the Salvation Army. A passerby drops some coins into his pot. Santa: Merry Christmas! Angel stops short when he unexpectedly runs into Buffy. They are both surprised, and don't say anything for a moment. Angel breaks the silence. Angel: Hi. Buffy: Angel... Another awkward silence sets in for a while. Buffy: So, are you shopping? (realizes how silly that sounds) You're probably not shopping. Angel: I couldn't sleep. Buffy: Vampires probably not that big on Christmas, now that I think about it. Angel: Not as a rule. Buffy: But you're good? Angel: I'm, I'm alright. You? Buffy: Yeah! (smiles) Yeah, I'm good. I, um, (looks down at the boxes she's carrying) I was just getting some Christmas gifts for the gang. Angel's attention is diverted to behind Buffy. In the middle of the street he sees an apparition of Daniel looking sadly back at him. Buffy: Um, I'd better go before the magic store closes. Angel and Daniel exchange a long look, then Daniel walks away. Buffy notices Angel's distraction. Buffy: Angel? She looks behind herself and sees nothing, then turns her concerned attention back to Angel. Buffy: What is it? Angel is frozen with fear. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ Sunnydale High School. The bell rings, and students begin to pour out of the classrooms into the halls. Buffy, Willow and Xander come out of one and head over to the girls' lockers. Buffy: And then he just bailed. He didn't say anything. He just took off. It was so weird. The girls both work their locker combinations. Xander: Angel? Weird? What are the odds? (gets a look from Buffy) Willow: Do you think something's wrong? Maybe you should tell Giles. They both open their lockers and get what they need. Buffy: No. I don't wanna bug Giles. He's still kinda twitchy when it comes to the subject of Angel. She takes off her jacket and hangs it in her locker. Xander: Well, it must be that whole Angel-killed-his-girlfriend-and- tortured-him thing. Hey, Giles is pretty petty when it comes to stuff like that. Buffy takes a paper bag from her locker and then closes the door. Buffy: Xander, enough, okay? Willow zips up her book bag and closes her locker as well. They all start down the hall. Willow: Maybe Angel just has the holiday blues. Everybody gets 'em. Especially when they're alone. Buffy: It's just so frustrating. I'm trying to do the right thing and stay away from him and get over it, and then *boom*, there he is. I just want a nice, quiet Christmas vacation. Cut to the student lounge. A Christmas tree is set up there. The gang comes out of an adjacent hall and heads into the lounge. Xander: So, you doing anything special? Buffy: Tree. Nog. Roast beast. Just me and Mom and hopefully an excess of gifts. What are you doing for Christmas? Willow: Being Jewish. Remember, people? Not everybody worships Santa. Buffy: (smiles) I just meant for vacation. Willow: Mm. Nothing fun. They take the steps up to the couches. Willow: Oz and I had planned... but I guess that's off. Cordelia is sitting on one of the couches with a friend. Xander is instantly nervous. Buffy takes her bag over to the Holiday Food Drive collection box behind the couches and starts pulling cans of food out of her bag and putting them in the box. Willow and Xander sit on the couch opposite Cordelia. Xander: (with false heartiness) Well, I'll be enjoying my annual Christmas Eve camp-out. See, I take my sleeping bag outside and I go to sleep on the grass. Cordelia and her friend stand up. Her friend steps over to the stairs and waits, while Cordelia hangs around to add her point of view. Willow: Sounds fun. Xander: Yeah, I like to look at the stars, you know? Feel the whole nature vibe. Cordelia: (smiling smugly) I thought you slept outside to avoid your family's drunken Christmas fights. Xander gives her a look like he expected no less from her. Xander: Yes. And that was a confidence I was hoping you would share with everyone. (smiles sarcastically) Buffy joins the group again. Cordelia: Well, I'll be in Aspen. Skiing. With actual snow. Buffy: I hear that helps. Cordelia: It must be a drag to be stuck here in Sweatydale, but I'm thinking of you. Okay, I'm done. She leaves wearing a shark smile, well-satisfied with her results. Buffy: She certainly has reverted to form. Willow: It's not her fault. Mm, after what happened, we gotta cut her some slack. Xander: That's the Christmas spirit. Willow: Hello, still Jewish. Chanukah spirit, I believe that was? Anyway, forgiveness is pretty much a big theme with me this year, 'cause of the... She stops when she sees Oz come up to the group. Oz glances over at Xander, who is suddenly quite uncomfortable. Oz turns his attention to Willow. Oz: Hey. Willow: Hey. (looks at him hopefully) Cut to an empty classroom. Willow sits on one end of the teacher's desk while Oz leans against the other and looks blankly out into the room. Oz: Okay. The thing is... seeing you with Xander, it was... Well, I never felt that way before... when it wasn't a full moon... but I know you guys have a history. Willow: But it's a history that's in the past. Well, I-I guess most history is in the past. But it's over. Oz: Well, I don't know. I don't know that it... ever will be between you two. Willow: (imploringly) Oz, please believe me. Oz: (looks at her) This is what I do know: I miss you. Like, every second. Almost like I lost an arm, or worse, a torso. So, I think I'd be willing to... give it a shot. Willow: (stands up and smiles tentatively) Really? Oz: (stands up and smiles) Yeah. Willow smiles more warmly. Willow: Do you want us to... to hug now? (looks at him hopefully) Oz: (smiles) Yeah, I'm good for that. They step closer to each other and hug tightly, Oz with one arm around her back and the other gently caressing her head, while Willow holds onto him as tightly as she can, enfolding him in her arms. Cut to a Christmas Tree lot. Buffy and her mother walk through trying to find the right one. Other shoppers are also selecting trees. Shopper: Take the other one, then. Off to one side the tree merchant is spraying fake snow onto a tree. Joyce looks over one of the snowed trees. Joyce: Do you wanna get one with snow on it? Be very Christmasy. They continue through the tree lot. Buffy: I think those are just for display. Joyce: Oh. You know, honey, I was thinking. Maybe we should invite Faith to spend Christmas Eve with us. Buffy: I don't know. Faith and I don't really hang out. Or talk or make eye contact lately. Joyce: (looks over another tree) Do you really wanna let her spend Christmas Eve all by herself in that dingy little motel room? Buffy: (smiles) You're still number one with a guilt trip, Mom. Joyce: I try. Buffy: (gives in) I'll ask her. Joyce: You're a doll. Buffy: What about Giles? I mean, he doesn't have any fam... Joyce: (interrupts) No, I'm sure he's fine. Buffy: We could at least ask him and see... Joyce: He doesn't wanna spend Christmas Eve with a bunch of girls. (takes a deep breath) Let's split up. She goes off to her right. Buffy sighs and continues looking. She notices an area where a bunch of the trees are all brown, and walks over to them for a closer look. The tree merchant comes up to her. Tree merchant: Bunch of them up and died on us. Don't know why. If you want one, I can make you a hell of a deal. Buffy: No, thank you. Joyce: (from a distance) Oh, honey, this one's perfect! Buffy goes to see what her mother has found. Cut to another dream sequence. Images of a fire and burning candles float around. The image of a round table with candles at its center and ritualistic artifacts arranged to form three spokes upon it, all surrounded by a circle, appears. Three chanting figures are sitting round the table, their palms placed flat upon the table's rim, as if using a Ouija board. The table and figures float by several times. Suddenly the view angles up from the table and into the face of one of the three figures. It has no eyes, but instead has runes branded in the flesh where eyes should be. Cut to Angel's bedroom. He wakes with a gasp, frightened and breathing hard. Again he realizes it's only a dream, and rubs his head with his hands. Cut to Faith's motel. Cut inside her room. She's struggling with the TV, slapping and shaking it to try to get some reception, but gets nothing. There is a knock at her door. Faith: Yeah? Buffy opens the door and comes in. Faith: Hey, what's up? (to the TV) Work, damn it! Buffy: (closes the door) Hey. Faith gives up and turns off the TV. She stands up and faces Buffy. Faith: What's going on? Scary monsters? Buffy: No. Um, (steps further in) we're having Christmas Eve dinner at my house, and I thought that, um, if you didn't have plans... Faith: (smiles sharply) Your mom sent you down, huh? Buffy: (taken aback) No. Faith: Well, thanks, but I got plans. There's this big party I've been invited to. It should be a blast. (smiles evasively) Buffy: (unconvinced) Okay. Cool. But if you change your mind, the offer... Faith: That's nice of you. Thanks. But I got... I got that big party that I've been invited to, so... (smiles dismayingly) Buffy steps toward the door, but looks around and notices the Christmas lights that Faith has strung up around the room. Buffy: (quietly approving) I like the lights. Faith: Yeah. Well, 'tis the season. Whatever that means. Cut to Giles' kitchen. He's cooking dinner, and takes a taste. There's a knocking at his door. Giles: Just a minute! He goes to the door, opens it and is surprised to see Angel standing there. For a long moment neither of them says anything. Giles: Hello. Angel: Um... I'm sorry to bother you. Giles finds himself unable to keep from laughing bitterly. Giles: Sorry. Coming from you that phrase strikes me as rather funny. 'Sorry to bother me.' Angel: I need your help. Giles: (straight-faced) And the funny keeps on coming. Angel: (swallowing his pride) I understand I have no right to ask for it, but there's no one else. Giles: Alright. He walks back into the apartment and tosses his kitchen towel onto the counter. He heads down the hall. Angel: I... I can't come in unless you invite me. Giles returns from the hall, holding a crossbow and raising it at the ready. Giles: I'm aware of that. He walks back to the door. Giles: Come in. Slowly and not without reservation Angel steps into the apartment. Giles' aim does not waver. Angel: I've been seeing... (distracted) I've... I've had dreams lately about the past. It's... It's like I'm living it again. It's, it's so vivid, I... I need to know. (pleading) I need to know why I'm here. Giles: Here? Back on Earth? Angel: I should be in a demon dimension suffering an eternity of torture. Giles: I don't feel particularly inclined to argue with that. Angel: But I'm not. I was freed, and I don't understand why. Giles: Knowing why you were back would give you peace of mind? Angel: It might. Giles decides it's probably okay to put down his weapon, and bends to his side to set the crossbow down. Behind him Angel sees an apparition of Jenny Calendar. Giles: You think that's something you ought to have? Jenny looks at Angel sadly. Angel begins to shiver with fear. Giles: Because, sir, to be blunt, the last time you became complacent about your existence turned out rather badly. Angel sees Jenny stroke her hand down Giles' shoulder and sigh. Giles doesn't notice a thing. Angel begins to pant with short rapid breaths. Giles notices the look of fear on his face focused behind him. Giles: What? He looks around his apartment, completely unaware of Jenny's presence. Angel: Don't you see her? He sees Jenny walk around Giles. Giles: Who? Angel begins to make his way to the door. Jenny follows him with her stare. He begins to freak out. Angel: I can't! He runs out of the door into the night. Giles is left standing there very confused. Cut to Angel's mansion. Cut to his bedroom. He sleeps fitfully. Suddenly his dream flashes back to Dublin again at a dinner party. The affair is very formal. The camera moves through the house while the guests converse. At the stairs the camera angles up to follow a woman as she climbs them while two other guests come down. The camera angles back down and underneath, where Angelus is talking with a maid. Margaret: (nervous) Sir, please, I should return to the party. Angelus: Margaret, Margaret, there's no hurry. Margaret: (trying to pull away) Mistress will be wondering... Angelus: Shh. Mistress will be wondering how to get the good Reverend Chalmers into bed and will not notice the absence of canape'. (strokes her chin) Stay with me. Margaret: (worried) Sir, people might talk. I'll be put out in the streets. My little boy would... I can't lose this job. Angelus: (grabs her firmly) Then you must keep quiet. Margaret: You're hurting me! Angelus: Ah! Cry out. Call for help. I'm sure Mistress will believe your behavior beyond reproach. (sneers) Margaret: Please! Angelus: (shakes her) Come, make a scene, huh? Shall *I*? Margaret: (thinks better of it) No. Angelus: No, no. We'll be as quiet as mice. Margaret looks down, defeated, having no choice but to give in. When she looks back up at him he's in his vampire guise. Angelus: No matter what. Margaret: (terrified) Sir! My son! Angelus: Oh, he'll make a fine dessert, huh? She gasps as he grabs her roughly and bites her. He drinks her dry, and lets her body collapse to the floor. When he looks up he is shocked to see a witness to his deed: Buffy. She stares back at him, also in shock. Cut to Angel's bedroom. He wakes with a sudden jerk and gasps. Cut to Buffy's bedroom. She awakens with a startled twist of her head and stares into the darkness of her room, surprised and confused. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ Angel's mansion. Unable to sleep, he walks out of a hall into the main room, pulling on a T-shirt. There standing at the opposite end of the room by the doorway to the atrium is Jenny. Jenny: (with false sympathy) Trouble sleeping? Angel: You're not here. Jenny: (slowly comes closer) I'm always here. Angel: Leave me alone. He sits down on the cold marble on one side of the great fireplace. Jenny: I can't. You won't let me. Angel: What do you want? Jenny: I wanna die in bed surrounded by fat grandchildren, but guess that's off the menu. Angel: (can't face her) I'm sorry. Jenny: You're sorry? For me? Don't bother. I'm dead. I'm over it. (crouches down next to him) If you wanna feel sorry for someone, you should feel sorry for yourself. Oh, but I guess you've already got that covered. Angel: I am sorry... for what I've done. What else can I say to you? She puts her hand to his temple and strokes it. With her next sentence she transforms to the likeness of Daniel. Jenny/Daniel: I don't wanna make you feel bad. Daniel: I just want to show you who you are. Cut to Giles' office at the library. Giles: You had a dream about Angel. Buffy: I was *in* Angel's dream. Giles: (takes off his glasses) I'm not sure that's... Buffy: Giles, there was stuff in this dream that I couldn't possibly know about. It was Angel's past, he was dreaming it, and somehow I got sucked in. Giles looks up at Buffy. Buffy: There's something wrong with him. He looks down, then draws and releases a measured breath. Giles: I know. I've seen him. He wanted to know why he was back. Buffy: Is there a way for us to find that out? Giles: Uh, possibly. I-I've been looking. (puts his glasses back on) Buffy: Well, let me look, too. Giles gives her an inquiring glance. Buffy speaks with an in-your-face honesty, meeting Giles' coldly appraising eyes with her own steady gaze. Buffy: I'm not seeing him anymore. I'm trying to put all this behind me, and I'm not gonna be able to as long as we're both doing guest spots in each other's dreams. Giles leans back in his chair and considers the truth of that. Buffy: So we'll help him? Giles: (realizes he has no choice) Yes. Xander: (walks into the office) Where do we start? He gets surprised looks from Giles and Buffy. Xander: (abashed) Look, I'm aware I haven't been the mostest best friend to you when it comes to the whole Angel thing, and, um, I don't know, maybe I finally got the Chanukah spirit. Giles: (stands up) Well, we start, not surprisingly, with research. (goes to a small bookcase) Xander, um, (hands him a book) the Black Chronicles. And, uh, Buffy, (hands her a book) the diary of Lucious Temple, an acolyte of Acathla, expert on demons. You can skip the passages on his garden unless you're keen on growing heartier beets. Buffy and Xander head out into the main room. Buffy: Are you sure this is how you wanna spend your Christmas vacation? Xander: Yeah, this is actually the most exciting thing I've got planned. Who else can claim that pathetic a social life? Willow: (walks in smiling) Hey, guys. What are we doing? Cut to later. The three of them are all at the center table doing research. Giles drops off a few more books for them to look through. Dissolve to them having a discussion using the whiteboard. Dissolve to Xander arriving with a pizza and dropping it on the table. Dissolve to more researching with the pizza half eaten. Dissolve to later with just Willow and Buffy at the table. Willow: He's gonna come over on Christmas Eve 'cause my parents are out of town. We're gonna watch videos. Buffy: That's good, right? (they exchange a look) You guys are back. Willow: It's good. It's perfect. In an awkward, uncomfortable sort of way. (Buffy gives her a sympathetic look) I just don't know how to make Oz trust me. Buffy: Xander has a piece of you that Oz just can't touch. I guess now it's just about showing Oz that he comes first. Willow: (considers that) I guess. Thanks. (reads) Hey, he likes beets. Buffy: I read that one already. (sighs) We're not getting any closer. Cut to Angel's mansion. He falls to the floor, clammy, shivering, and panting in horror. Another one of his victims, a businessman, paces past him. Businessman: The thing I remember most was thinking how artful it was. In the dark, they looked just like they were sleeping. It wasn't until I bent down and kissed them good night that I felt how cold they were. You grabbed me, and I thought, (faces Angel) who would go to so much trouble to arrange them like that? Angel looks up at him. The businessman crouches and transforms into Margaret. Margaret: But you see, that's what makes you different than other beasts. They kill to feed, but you took more kinds of pleasure in it than any creature that walks or crawls. Angel: Oh, God! Margaret: (mocking him) Yeah, cry out. Make a scene. Angel jumps to his feet and tries to run away, but finds Daniel standing in his way. Daniel: I was to be married that week, but then, as I recall, you knew that. Angel: It wasn't me. Daniel transforms into Jenny. Jenny: It wasn't you? Angel: A demon isn't a man. I was a man once. Jenny: (derisively) Oh, yes, and what a man you were. Angel is forced to flash back to the days before he became a vampire, in a bar, singing and drinking, pulling at a woman's dress before passing out and falling to the floor. The flashback is over, and Margaret is standing before him again. Margaret: A drunken, whoring layabout, and a terrible disappointment to your parents. Angel: I was young. I never had a chance to... Margaret: To die of syphilis? You were a worthless being before you were *ever* a monster. Angel can't take much more, and he holds his hands to his ears. Angel: Stop it! Stop... Margaret transforms to Jenny, and she puts her hands on his, gently taking them away from his ears. Jenny: I don't wanna hurt you, Angel, but you have to understand. Cruelty's the only thing you ever had a true talent for. Angel: That's not true. Jenny: Shh. (leads him to the coffee table) Rest. (gently gets him to lie down) Rest. (walks around him) You mistake it for a curse, Angel, but it's not. It's your destiny. She sits down by his head and strokes his hair. Jenny: I'll show you. I'll show you. Dissolve to Sunnydale High. Cut to the library. Xander yawns in his chair behind the checkout counter and goes back to researching his book. The camera pans over to the window to Giles's office. Willow is asleep in a chair. Giles gets up from his desk to get another book. Dissolve to the stacks. The camera moves into them to a sleeping Buffy, with several books lying on the floor around her. She rolls from her side onto her back. Dissolve to Angel's mansion. He rolls over onto his back also. In a flash of bright light they are both sharing a dream. Buffy is lying in her bed, and she slowly opens her eyes. Angel is sitting at her side, looking down at her, waiting for her to awaken. He reaches for Buffy's hand with his. They touch fingertips briefly before intertwining their fingers and clasping hands. Next Buffy is facing Angel, sitting on his lap with her legs circling round his waist. They are kissing passionately, holding each other as closely as possible, caressing each other tenderly. Buffy tugs at Angel's shirt, and he helps her pull it up and off, baring his chest. In the real world Angel turns again on the coffee table. Now it is Angel's turn to slip the satin pajama top from Buffy's shoulders. They hold each other tightly as they kiss longer and more intensely. In the real world Buffy moans and turns her head while lying on the library floor. Buffy and Angel are lying in bed together, making gentle passionate love. They change positions as Angel rolls on top of her, the muscles of his back flexing under his tattoo. They caress each other for several moments. Angel tenderly kisses Buffy where her neck joins her shoulder, and he slides his hand up and along her outstretched arm, reaching and clasping her hand as they continue making love. Suddenly, over Angel's shoulder, Buffy sees the eyeless priest from her previous dream, sightlessly observing them from where he's standing at her door. There are several sudden flashes of light. Angel removes his hands from their tender clasp and then, as a thunderclap is heard, grabs Buffy's wrists hard, forcibly pinning her down to the bed. He rises over her and transforms into his vampire guise, and then bites her savagely on the neck. Cut to the library. Buffy wakes in startled shock. Cut to Angel's mansion. He wakes and sits bolt upright, drawing a hard breath. Jenny is still sitting next to him. Jenny: You want her? Angel: (panting) No. Jenny: (insistently) Take her. Take what you want. Pour all that frustration and all that guilt into *her*, and you'll be free. Angel: No. Jenny: You can't live for eternity with *all that pain*. This is what you are. This is why we brought you back. Take her! And then you'll be ready... (moves in to his ear) ...to kill her. [SCENE_BREAK] ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. Buffy walks out of the stacks and down the stairs. Giles: Here, Buffy. Take a look. He goes to the table with a pile of very old and worn sheets of paper. Giles: These letters contain references to a, a, an ancient power known as The First. Buffy: First what? Giles: Evil. Absolute evil, older than man, than demons. It could have had the power to bring Angel back. Buffy: These guys, (picks up one of the letters with sketches of the eyeless priest) I-I saw them in my dream. I, I fell asleep up there. Giles: You had another dream? With Angel? (Buffy nods) What happened? Buffy: (evasively) Oh, we don't need to get sidetracked. Who are these guys? Giles: Um, they're known as the, uh, (sits) as the Bringers o-o-or Harbingers. They're high priests of The First. They, uh, they can conjure spirit manifestations and set them on people, influence them, haunt them. Buffy: These are the guys working the mojo on Angel? Xander comes out from behind the counter. Xander: We gotta stop them. Giles: Y-you can't fight The First, Buffy. It's not a-a physical being. Buffy: Well, I-I can fight these priest guys. Xander: If we can find them. Cut to Willy's bar. He's wiping down a few bottles and putting them away when he sees Buffy and Xander enter the bar. Willy: (loudly so everyone hears) Hey! It's the Slayer. What brings the, uh, Slayer down here? Several vampires at the bar get up and quietly leave. Buffy: (goes up to the bar) Hey, Willy, how you been? Willy: (pours a drink for a customer) Keeping out of trouble, as God is my witness. (comes over to them) So, w-what can I do for you? Couple of drinks? Xander: Yeah. Let me get a double shot of, um... (exchanges a look with Buffy) (aggressively to Willy) of information, pal. Buffy: Three priests. They call themselves... Xander: (interrupts) The Bringers. Buffy: (shoots Xander a look) Bringers, Harbingers. They have a 'no eyes' kinda look. Willy: Doesn't ring a bell. Xander: (menacingly) How about I ring that bell for you? (hopefully to Buffy) Does the threatening come now? Buffy: Maybe you shouldn't help. (to Willy) They would've come to town recently. They'd be holed up somewhere summoning the spirit of The First. Willy looks around the bar carefully, then leans in toward them. Willy: Well... I heard a few things, you know, from the underground. Xander: The underground? Willy: Yeah, you know. From things that live under the ground. Apparently there's been a lot of migration out of Sunnydale from the lower inhabitants. Something's scaring them off, and these are things that aren't easily scared. Could be your priest guys are underground. Buffy: Underground where? Willy: (regretfully) I do not know. Buffy: Okay. Thanks. Xander: See you around. They start to leave the bar. Willy: (to Xander) Hey. (Xander faces him) You did great, by the way. I was very intimidated by you. Xander: Really? (smiles) Willy gives him a nod. Xander: (smiles widely) Thanks! Buffy: (takes Xander's arm) Let's go. (leads him away) Willy: Hey, kid. (Buffy faces him) Merry Christmas. Buffy just gives him a look, and then she and Xander leave. Cut outside. They step into the heat of the day and start down the block. Xander: Man, is it hot. It was so nice and cool in there. Buffy: Yeah, a nice cool waste of time. They stop walking. Xander: We know underground. That's a start. Buffy: Sure, in a town with fourteen million square miles of sewer. Xander: Plus a lot of natural cave formations and a gateway to Hell. Yeah, this does resemble square one. Buffy: I don't know what to do. Xander: I think right now the best plan is to deck the halls with boughs of holly. Look, we'll catch the bad guys... sooner or later. Cut to Willow's house. Oz comes in. Oz: Willow? (closes the door) I got videos. (holds them up) When he sees the living room, he stops in his tracks. Willow has the room softly lit, with a small fire going in the fireplace, candles burning on the coffee table, and soft music playing on the stereo. She is sitting on the sofa, dressed nicely just for him. Willow: Hi. (pats the sofa next to her) Why don't you come s-sit down? After a moment's hesitation, he walks into the room and sits down next to her. He set the videos on the table. On the stereo "Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe", by Barry White, begins to play. Lyrics: I've heard people say that Oz isn't sure what to make of this, and looks at Willow. She smiles back at him. Lyrics: Too much of anything is not good for you, baby Oz: You ever have that dream where you're in a play, and it's the middle of the play and you really don't know your lines, and you kinda don't know the plot? Willow: Well, we're alone, and we're together. I-I just wanted it to be special. Oz: How special are we talking? Willow: (a bit nervous) Well, you know, we're alone, and we're both mature younger people, and, and so... w-we could... I-I'm ready to... w- with you. (whispers) We could do that thing. Oz looks at her in disbelief. Willow smiles back. Oz has to stand up. Willow: Where are you going? Oz: No, I'm not going. Just a dramatic gesture. That's, that's pretty special. Willow: (stands also) Oz, I-I wanna be with you. First. Oz: I think we should sit down again. They sit stiffly. Willow: Oz? He looks at her, worry evident in his expression. Willow: I-I'm ready. Oz: Okay. Well, don't take this the wrong way... but I'm not. Willow: (confused) Are you scared? 'Cause I thought you had... Oz: (shyly) No, I have, but this is different. I mean, you look great. You know, and, and you got the Barry working for you, and, and it's all... good. But when it happens... I want it to be because we both need it to for the same reason. You don't have to prove anything to me. Willow: I just wanted you to know. Oz: I know. (smiles) I get the message. Willow leans over to him, and they kiss. Cut to the Summers house. Christmas music plays in the background. Buffy puts the finishing touches on the tree. Joyce places another log on the fire. She stands up and inspects the result. Joyce: There we go. Buffy: Nothing like a roaring fire to keep away the blistering heat. Joyce: Oh, come on. It's lovely. Maybe I should turn the air conditioning on. Buffy is off in her own world as she finishes trimming the tree. Joyce: So, angel's on top again? Buffy: (startled) What? Joyce: (holds up an angel and a star) Angel or star? Buffy: Oh, uh... star. Star. The doorbell rings. Buffy and her mom exchange an inquiring look, wondering whom it could be. Buffy goes to the door and opens it. Faith: (uncertainly) Hey. Buffy: Hi! Faith: Uh, looked like that whole party thing was gonna be kind of a drag. (drops her eyes for an instant) I didn't really have anything... You know. Buffy: (sincerely) I'm glad you came. Faith: (smiles) Uh... Here. (hands Buffy gifts) Buffy: Why don't you come in from the entire lack of cold? Faith: Mm. She steps in, and Buffy closes the door. Faith: Uh, that one (points) is for your mom. They're pretty crappy. Joyce: Faith, you made it. (takes the gifts from Buffy) Oh, that is so thoughtful. Faith: (smiles, embarrassed) They're crappy. Buffy: You know, I'm gonna go upstairs and get your gifts. Excuse me. Joyce: Uh, would you like some nog? Cut upstairs. Buffy walks down the hall and into her room. Buffy: Okay, Mom, don't touch yours, though, 'cause then you're gonna know what it is. Once in her room she hears her door slam behind her. She spins around to find Angel there. He looks very tired and somewhat disoriented. Buffy: Angel. Angel: Huh... Buffy. Buffy: What is it? He looks around apprehensively and clears his throat. Angel: I gotta... I... look, I, uh, I had to see you, um... He sees her bed, and it confuses him. Angel: I don't know, I... You shouldn't be... Buffy: Just tell me what's going on. His gaze focuses on her neck, and he notices she's not wearing her cross. Jenny appears to him behind her. Jenny: She wants you to touch her. What are you waiting for? Angel: You have to stay away from me. Buffy: (bewildered) You came to see me to tell me that I can't see you? Angel pants heavily and struggles hard with himself for control. Buffy: Angel, something is doing this to you. He starts to move toward her. She backs away. Buffy: (worried and frightened) You just have to control it, okay? I-I know that you're confused. Angel: I think you're the one who's confused. I think you need to... Jenny: She wants you to taste her. Think of the peace. You'll never have to see us again. Angel struggles for control of his mind. He grabs his hair with his hands in desperation. Buffy: (imploringly) Angel, how can I help you? Angel: Leave me alone! He runs toward her window and dives out. Buffy is in shock over it all. Cut downstairs. Buffy hurriedly talks with Faith as she's grabbing her coat before leaving. Buffy: I just need you to stay with Mom in case he comes back. (makes strides for the door) Faith: Yeah, I'll play watchdog. I don't really get it, though. Buffy: I'll explain later. Everything. I promise. Opens the door and leaves. Faith: (concerned) Watch your back. Cut to Giles' apartment. Buffy: Giles, we have to do something. Soon. Now. Giles: I'm still not sure what. Buffy: (desperate) Find me these priest guys. Find me something I can pummel. Giles: Let's not lose our heads. Buffy: Giles, he's slipping. Giles has no response to that. Buffy: (voice faltering) I think we're losing him. Giles: Look... (puts on his glasses) You realize if he... truly becomes a danger, you may have to kill him. Again. Can you do that? Buffy can't bring herself to answer. Cut to the atrium at Angel's mansion. He tries to get away from Jenny and goes into the mansion. Angel: I can't do it. Jenny: You have to do it. (tauntingly) What else are you good for? Angel: (panting hard) Get away from me! Jenny: (appears behind him) Couldn't you just... feel her? (leans close to him) Couldn't you almost smell her skin? You never were a fighter, Angel, don't start trying now. (steps away) Sooner or later you will drink her. Angel: I'll never hurt her. Jenny: You were born to hurt her. (scornfully) Have you learned nothing? As long as you are alive... Angel: (flatly) Then I'll die. Jenny: (pauses to consider) You don't have the strength to kill yourself. Angel: I don't need strength. I just need the sun to rise. He walks back out into the atrium. Jenny: You're not supposed to die. This isn't the plan. She watches him walk through the atrium and take the steps up and out. Jenny: But it'll do. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ Giles' apartment. Buffy reads aloud from a book. Behind her Giles sits on the stairs and reads to himself from another. Buffy: 'A child shall be born of man and goat and have two heads, and The First shall speak only in riddles...' No wonder you like this stuff. (closes the book) It's like reading The Sun. Giles: (finds something) Yes. Ah. Buffy: (looks up at him) Priests? Giles: Um... Yes, but, uh, more, more posturing, I'm afraid. Um, (reads) 'For they are the Harbingers of death. Nothing shall grow above or below them. No seed shall flower, neither in man nor...' (gestures that it goes on and on) They're rebels and they'll never ever be any good. Nothing specific about their haunts. Buffy: Let me see that. Giles hands her the book. Buffy: (reads) '...the Harbingers of death. Nothing shall grow above or below...' She is suddenly lost in thought. Giles: What? Cut to the Christmas tree lot. Buffy kicks open the gate and marches straight toward the dead trees. Once there she studies them for a moment. The camera lifts straight up, looking down at the six trees that have died arranged in a circle. All the trees around them are fine. Cut to Buffy at ground level. She looks around for something to dig with and finds a long-handled ax. She swings it at the ground, and after a couple of hits she breaks through. A few more swings and the hole is large enough for her to get through. She crouches down and drops herself into it. Cut below. Buffy drops down into a cave. There are groups of candles burning here and there. She cautiously looks around and starts to make her way deeper into the cave. She can hear chanting coming from nearby. She doesn't have to go far before she finds the table with the priests sitting around it. Buffy: Alright, ten more minutes of chanting and then you guys have to go to bed. The priests get up, and Buffy jumps down to fight them. She swings the handle of her ax into one priest's stomach, and he goes down. She swings it into another one, who doubles over. She follows up with another swing to his head, and he goes down, too. The third one runs away. Buffy uses the ax to destroy the arrangement of artifacts on the table. The next thing she knows, Jenny is in the cave with her. Jenny/The First: Hmm. I'm impressed. Buffy hesitates at first, surprised to see Jenny there, but quickly realizes that it's not really her. Buffy: (defiantly) You won't get Angel. Jenny/The First: Hmm. You think you can fight me? I'm not a demon, little girl. I am something that you can't even conceive. The First Evil. Beyond sin, beyond death. I am the thing the darkness fears. You'll never see me, but I am everywhere. Every being, every thought, every drop of hate. Buffy: (loses her patience) Alright, I get it. You're evil. Do we have to chat about it all day? Jenny/The First: (unimpressed) Angel will be dead by sunrise. Your Christmas... will be his wake. Buffy: No. Jenny/The First: You have no idea what you're dealing with. Buffy: (dripping with sarcasm) Lemme guess. Is it... evil? The apparition of Jenny shrinks and is replaced for an instant by an image of a huge horned and clawed beast coming at her, roaring and with eyes glowing red. It fades as quickly as it appeared. Buffy stares in shock at the place where it appeared. It screams a final warning. The First: DEAD BY SUNRISE! Buffy runs from the cave, terrified for Angel's life. Cut to Angel's mansion. Buffy runs in. Buffy: Angel! She looks around, but he's nowhere to be seen. She walks toward the doorway to the atrium and looks out. She sees the steps leading up and runs toward them. Cut to the hills behind the mansion. Buffy runs through the bushes, frantically looking for Angel. She climbs further up the hill and finds him standing at the top looking out over a peaceful residential area of town. Buffy: Angel. He hears her say his name and briefly glances in her direction before looking back out over the rooftops. Buffy slowly walks over to him. Angel: I bet half the kids down there are already awake. Lying in their beds... sneaking downstairs... waiting for day. Buffy: (out of breath) Angel, please. I need for you to get inside. Th- there's only a few minutes left. Angel: I know. I can smell the sunrise long before it comes. Buffy: (anxiously and hurried) I don't have time to explain this. You just have to trust me. That thing that was haunting you... Angel: (interrupts) It wasn't haunting me. It was showing me. Buffy: (confused) Showing you? Angel: What I am. Buffy: (insistently) Were. Angel: And ever shall be. I wanted to know why I was back. Now I do. Buffy: You *don't* know. Some great evil takes credit for bringing you back and you buy it? You just give up? Angel: (harshly) I can't do it again, Buffy. I can't become a killer. Buffy: Then fight it. Angel: It's too hard. Buffy: (desperately) Angel, please, you *have* to get inside. Angel: It told me to kill you. You were in the dream. You know. It told me to lose my soul in you and become a monster again. Buffy: I know what it told you. What does it matter? Angel: (raises his voice) Because I wanted to! Because I want you so badly! I want to take comfort in you, and I know it'll cost me my soul, and a part of me doesn't care. He sobs. Buffy is at a loss for words. Angel: Look, I'm weak. I've never been anything else. It's not the demon in me that needs killing, Buffy. It's the man. Buffy: You're weak. Everybody is. Everybody fails. Maybe this evil did bring you back, but if it did, it's because it needs you. And that means that you can hurt it. Angel doesn't want to believe her. Buffy: (pleadingly) Angel, you have the power to do real good, to make amends. (raises her voice) But if you die now, then all that you ever were was a monster. She looks out at the sky as it begins to lighten. Buffy: (begging frantically) Angel, please, the sun is coming up! Angel: Just go. Buffy: I won't! Angel: What, do you think this is simple? You think there's an easy answer? You can never understand what I've done! Now go! Buffy: You are not staying here. (grabs his arm) I won't let you! Angel: I said LEAVE! He jerks his arm free of her grasp. In her anger and desperation Buffy punches him. He reacts by shoving her away from him roughly, making her fall face forward, hard to the ground. Angel: (quietly to himself) Oh, my God... He goes to her and crouches over her, grabbing her by the shoulders and turning her around to face him. Buffy fears his intentions and cries out. Buffy: No! No! He grabs her roughly by the arms and holds her firmly. Angel: Am I a thing worth saving, huh? (shakes her) Am I a righteous man? (shakes her) The world wants me gone! Buffy: (tearfully) What about me? I love you so much... And I tried to make you go away... I killed you and it didn't help. She shoves him off of her and gets up. Buffy: (crying) And I hate it! I hate that it's *so* hard... and that you can hurt me *so* much. (sobs, then harshly) I know everything that you did, because you did it to me. Oh, God! I wish that I wished you dead. I don't. (whispers) I can't. Angel gets up now, too. Angel: Buffy, please. Just this once... let me be strong. Buffy: Strong is fighting! It's hard, and it's painful, and it's every day. It's what we have to do. And we can do it together. Angel struggles with himself, knowing she's right. Buffy: (resolvedly) But if you're too much of a coward for that, then burn. If I can't convince you that you belong in this world, then I don't know what can. But do *not* expect me to watch. And *don't* expect me to mourn for you, because... She stops in mid-sentence because it has inexplicably begun to snow. She and Angel both look up at it coming down, lightly at first and gradually heavier. The camera pulls up above them and shows them standing there with the snowflakes swirling around them in the gentle morning breeze, and the ground around them starting to become white. Cut to Angel, looking around in amazement. Buffy walks to the edge of the hill and looks out at the town as the roofs on the houses below also start to become white. She turns to Angel, and they look at each other, stunned by this apparent miracle. Cut to Willow and Oz in her bedroom. They notice the snow outside and sit up on her bed. Willow is first to get up and walk to her balcony door to look out. Oz is right behind. They smile as they see it come down and notice the glass of her French doors begin to frost. Cut to the Summers house. About an inch and a half (4cm) of snow has now collected on the roof. The camera pans down to the door. Faith opens it, and she and Joyce come out to watch it fall. Faith steps off the porch and lets a few flakes fall on her open hands and face. Joyce pulls her wrap tightly around her against the cold. Cut to Giles' apartment. He notices that his window has become frosted, and goes over to it to have a look outside. He stares out in amazement. Cut to Xander lying in his sleeping bag in his backyard. The light from his lantern glows blue. His unfinished dinner plate is covered with snow, as is a comic book he had put aside before retiring. He is sleeping with the top flap of his sleeping bag folded open under his arm. He stirs slightly and wipes at the snowflakes falling on his face. That doesn't help, so he reflexively pulls the flap closed over his head, fallen snow and all. This wakes him up, and a moment later he pushes back the flap and looks up in wonder at the falling snow. Cut to the shopping district. The camera pans from the green neon sign of the Sun Cinema down to where the movies now playing are listed. The weatherman can be heard on the TV in the window of the audio/video store. Weatherman: And while most of Southern California is enjoying a balmy Christmas, an extreme cold front has sprung up out of nowhere around Sunnydale, where they are reporting heavy snowfall for the first time in, well, ever. Cut to the weatherman on TV. The camera pans from him out into the street. Weatherman: Sunnydale residents shouldn't expect to see the sun at all today. That cold front isn't going anywhere. With temperatures in the high 30s (about 3C), means you better bundle up if you're planning to go outside and enjoy the change in the weather. Cut to a view of the trees in the street aglow with Christmas lights. The camera pans down into the street, which is deserted except for Buffy and Angel, who walk along hand-in-hand, still looking up at the snow as it comes down. Cut to a view from above. The street and a few parked cars are covered with about two inches (5cm) of snow. The camera sinks down below a traffic light. Buffy and Angel continue walking in silence down the street. Cut to a close-up of them walking. Buffy looks over at Angel. He looks exhausted but at peace. He notices her gaze and smiles at her. Together they walk out of view.

Plan: A: The First Evil; Q: Who is driving Angel insane? Summary: The First Evil is driving Angel insane, appearing as victims of his past crimes, priming him to kill Buffy. Instead, he tries to kill himself.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously on Veronica Mars Veronica at her mother's safety deposit box (from 105 "You Think You Know Somebody") VERONICA VOICEOVER: All this time, I've been thinking Mom bolted 'cause she couldn't handle losing everything. Maybe she just couldn't handle losing me. Veronica and Duncan walking down the school hallway (from 107 "The Girl Next Door") VERONICA: Did you know that your dad and my mom were king and queen of the prom? Picture is Jake, Veronica and Duncan at the hospital (from 103 "Meet John Smith) with an insert of Veronica's line, "Mr Kane" from 102 "Credit Where Credit's Due") VERONICA: Mr Kane. JAKE: Veronica, we meet again. VERONICA: What are the odds? Veronica running and seeing Lilly's body (from 101 "Pilot") VERONICA VOICEOVER: It's been a year since my best friend Lilly Kane was murdered. Veronica and Keith at the Mars apartment (from 106 "Return of the Kane") VERONICA: And I know you're still investigating Lilly's murder. KEITH: Solve the case and your mom comes home. VERONICA: So let's do it, let's solve the case. Television broadcast from the same episode VERONICA: It's the footage of Abel Koontz's arrest. Veronica and Abel Koontz (from 108 "Like a Virgin") KOONTZ: I know who you are Veronica Mars. VERONICA: My dad tried to save your life. KOONTZ: Look in a mirror. Are you the product of a schluppy sheriff or the king and queen of the prom? Veronica cries in her car from the same episode. End previously. Open with Veronica still in her car at the prison. She lifts her head from the steering wheel and wipes her tears away VERONICA VOICEOVER: So Jake Kane is your father. Deal with it, Veronica. Cut to Veronica driving on the highway VERONICA VOICEOVER: Does Dad know? Did he go after Jake Kane so obsessively because of the affair? Oh god, does this mean- Is Duncan my- Cut to Veronica, stopped and leaning out of the car, throwing up. Cut to her driving again VERONICA VOICEOVER: Those photos that were sent to Mom, the ones with me framed in a gun sight, was that how Jake finally stuck it to Dad, his old rival. If so, I'm taking this b*st*rd down. Hard. I don't care whose father he is. Cut to Veronica looking at the photos from Lianne's safety deposit box VERONICA VOICEOVER: This one was taken last year. downtown. My sole reason for being in that part of town was that Mom insisted I see a counsellor after Lilly died. Every Thursday for six weeks, Dr Dave and I stared across an ottoman at each other. But which Thursday? Veronica is in her bedroom and looks closely at one of the photographs. In it, she has long hair and is standing in front of a sign that says: Neptune High School Book Week VERONICA VOICEOVER: Book week? Cut to Veronica entering the school office VERONICA: Miss Murphy, when was book week? MRS MURPHY: Wow, now there's an attitude I like to see in our post-literate age. Don't worry, Veronica. It's still months away. VERONICA: Last year's book week? MRS MURPHY: It's always the first week in February. VERONICA VOICEOVER: OK. Now I know which Thursday. Cut to Veronica downtown, checking the pictures. She looks around VERONICA VOICEOVER: In the picture, I'm standing in this exact spot. Cut to her sitting at an outdoor table of a cafe, training her camera on the spot where she was sitting VERONICA VOICEOVER: Whoever took those photos had to be sitting at this exact table. It's the only one where the angle matches. Cut to her receipt for one ice tea ($1.00 plus $0.08 sales tax) at the Aladdin, offering Mediterranean style cuisine, Pasta 'Kabobos', Greek salads and Taboule. The date is November 21, 2003 and the time is 15:09 VERONICA VOICEOVER: Dated and time-stamped. Gotcha. Cut to Veronica speaking to one of the Aladdin's waitresses VERONICA: Can you tell me if you keep all your receipts. Is it possible for you to pull just the ones from February 4th between 4:45 and 5:30? Someone's been stalking me. Veronica shows the waitress the photos WAITRESS: My god. VERONICA: I'm positive whoever took these shots was sitting at that table over there. Cut to the Aladdin's records for February 4, 2004 at 5:11. The $17.08 (inclusive of $3.00 tip) was paid by Visa credit card by Clarence Wiedman Jr VERONICA VOICEOVER: Clarence Wiedman. Cut to Veronica in her car, watching Wiedman come out of his house VERONICA VOICEOVER: Big mistake paying with a credit card. And there he is. The man who took surveillance photos of me. Well, wouldn't you know? She has followed him to Kane Software, the number of the building being 10996. She watches him enter the building as she uses her cell VERONICA: Kane Software? Main number please. TELEPHONE OPERATOR: The number you requested is 555-0125. RECEPTIONIST: Kane Software. How may I direct your call? VERONICA: Give me Clarence Wiedman, please. VOICEMAIL: You've reached Clarence Wiedman, Head of Security, Kane Software. Please leave a message. Veronica cuts off the phone VERONICA VOICEOVER: And there it is. I know who's responsible for scaring Mom away. So if Jake Kane is my biological father that information is gonna be worth millions. And after what that family has done to mine. I intend to collect. Opening credits. Veronica enters the apartment and Keith rushes up to her excitedly, sporting a nasty cut under his right eye and on the side of his nose VERONICA: [Concerned] What happened to you? KEITH: It's nothing. A little collision at home. Now, cover your eyes and give me your hand. VERONICA: A collision at home? Did you fall in the garbage disposal? KEITH: No, no, home plate. [Imitating an umpire] Safe! VERONICA: Did you see a doctor? KEITH: Honey, it's fine. Chicks dig scars, now come on. Ya gotta see this. Keith jumps up and down and claps before the bemused Veronica. He races back towards her bedroom VERONICA: What is your deal? You're jacked up like some hillbilly kid who just stumbled into Daddy's meth lab. He races back, grabs her hand and raises it in front of her eyes. He grabs her hand and pulls her towards the bedroom KEITH: Hey, come on. Sit! Veronica is sitting on her new waterbed VERONICA: Whoa! KEITH: It's a water bed. VERONICA: All right. KEITH: Come on, you've wanted one of these things since you were, like, five years old. VERONICA: I also wanted to marry Vanilla Ice and build the world's largest collection of Z-bots. KEITH: You asked me, no you begged me for a water bed like four years in a row. It was your obsession. Keith crouches down in front of Veronica VERONICA: Uh-huh. It's all coming back to me now. The way you explained it, Santa was cool with the basic concept, but had grave doubts about second floor deployment. KEITH: That well known, bed-rock pragmatism of elvish culture. But I gotta tell ya. If it had been my call, I would've- VERONICA: [Laughing] You're so full of it but it is incredibly sweet of you. Yard sale, right. Ten bucks maybe. KEITH: No. VERONICA: It's okay. [Ripping off a piece of tape] You forgot to remove the masking tape price tag sticker. Besides, our money situation being what it is, I'm glad you didn't blow your wad on a whim gift for me. KEITH: Well, you'll be even gladder to know that I got us a throw in with some old Gordon Lightfoot LPs. VERONICA: [Seriously] I love you. Veronica leans forward and hugs Keith KEITH: [A little taken aback] Yeah, you too. Well, anyway, sorry it took so long to get Santa's old dead ass in gear. Night, sweetie. VERONICA: Night. Keith leaves and Veronica falls back onto the waterbed. Cut to Mars Investigations. Keith is in his office, taking details from a rich couple, the Gants MR GANT: He was as well adjusted a kid as you could ever want to meet. Ah, secure, extroverted, lots of friends and school activities. MRS GANT: Super popular, super focused. MR GANT: Girlfriends, top grades, not into the drug scene as far as we could tell. MRS GANT: Definitely not a druggie. Casey is just not the kind of kid who just up and joins a cult. KEITH: Well, it's actually the ones who seem to have everything that so often go off- MR GANT: I know what you're thinking. Spoiled rich boy raised in a soulless lap of luxury, no material whim denied, no spiritual need met. MRS GANT: Six weeks ago, Casey kisses me goodbye and drives to school, same as always. But he never comes home. MR GANT: He says he's gone off to live at some place called the Moon Calf Collective and basically, thanks for all you've done guys but I can take it from here. MRS GANT: The Porsche. MR GANT: That's right, the Porsche. He sold his Boxster and gave all the money over to the cult. Look, Mr Mars, here's what we need and what we're prepared to pay handsomely for you to do. Keith's eyes light up. Cut to the Gants in the main office, leaving MRS GANT: Thank you, Mr Mars. KEITH: Thank you, you're welcome. MR GANT: Thank you very much. KEITH: Thank you. Veronica is at her desk, a blood test kit laid out before her KEITH: Now what? VERONICA: I'm trying to draw a blood sample. Our health teacher said she'll give extra credit for anyone taking a self-administered HIV test. I ordered this thing online but I am seriously punking on this fingerstick. KEITH: This is so endearing. My badass, action figure daughter is adopting a Transylvanian accent[] afraid to draw a teensy little drop of blood. VERONICA: You know, if you really were a good father, you'd let me draw some of your blood for the test. KEITH: [Laughing] What? VERONICA: Nobody'll know the difference. Besides, you've been sexually active, I haven't. Veronica hold out the fingerstick KEITH: Oh for crying out loud, you're serious about this, aren't you? [Taking it] Let me have that. You wuss. So those are the parents of Casey Gant, you know him? VERONICA: Unfortunately, yeah. He's just another slice off the loaf of shallow vapid pain-in-the-ass 09erdom. KEITH: Hmm, well, despite your assessment his parents are still a little irked about his decision to run off and join a cult. VERONICA: He joined a cult? What do they worship? Wedgies, keggers, their parents' platinum cards? Returning the test to Veronica, having drawn blood onto a card. Veronica gazes at it and waves it gently to dry KEITH: It doesn't matter. He's 18 so there's little the law can do. [Sitting on her desk] If we get him back, the Gants are offering a five grand bonus so it's time to focus [clicks fingers] like the proverbial laser. VERONICA: Target acquired and locked on. KEITH: What they'd be paying us for is proof of any unlawful activity out there like firearms, drugs, kidnapping, anything'll work. All we need is a sound legal basis for the Sheriff's Department to shut 'em down. VERONICA: I'm still with ya. KEITH: This boy is a classmate of yours. Maybe you can find something that'll shed some light. You know, his parents say he's still showing up at school. VERONICA: For a five thousand dollar bonus, I'll get you his genetic code. KEITH: [Sincerely and with wagging finger] Veronica, do not, under pain of slow, agonising death even think about going to the compound yourself. I'll run the title search, do the background check, take the recon shots, all of that, nous comprenon nous? VERONICA: Mais oui. Gotcha Frenchie. Keith goes back into his office and shuts the door. Veronica gets a posting box out of her desk drawer, casting a cautious glance at Keith's door VERONICA VOICEOVER: Okay. So there's no health class extra credit. There is, however, an online company that does paternity testing. I need to know, without a doubt, who my father is. Veroncia parcels up the test, including her own blood sample, keeping a wary eye on Keith's office. Cut to Neptune High. Veronica approaches as Duncan sits on a low wall. He stands as she passes close to him DUNCAN: Hey. She walks on, ignoring him. Duncan is confused VERONICA VOICEOVER: I am not ready to face Duncan. Too many sweet memories have become chilling what ifs. Cut to some boys, including Casey, playing Hacky Sack. Veronica is watching. Wallace approaches WALLACE: Hacky Sack? The final arena of unquestioned white domination. New crush? VERONICA: Hardly. That's Casey Gant. He sold his Porsche, joined a cult and took up Hacky Sack. WALLACE: He looks normal enough. VERONICA: Not if you knew him before. Flashback. Students are sitting on various beanbags on the floor of a classroom, many in couples, including Veronica and Duncan and Casey and his girlfriend, Darcy. Weevil is at the front of the class, reading his poem. A female teacher paces nearby, listening WEEVIL: The prisoners pray when they're on death row. Hear the angels sing. The junkie cries for love but it's all run out. Casey laughs out loud TEACHER: [Encouraging] Go on, Eli. Veronica is enchanted as Duncan strokes her hair and kisses her shoulder, his arm around her waist WEEVIL: When the angels sing, the sins of the world And it's cold on the streets and you're all alone And the tears, they start to fall When it all comes down, hear the angels sing. Casey laughs louder as Veronica looks back to give him a filthy look TEACHER: Casey Gant! You can learn good manners or go see Mr Clemmons. [To Weevil] Eli, it's amazing work. You're doing great. CASEY: Miss, that's not original poetry. That's a Social Distortion song. TEACHER: Is that true Eli? Caught, Weevil is pissed, Casey giggles and Veronica continues to hard stare him. Cut back to the present VERONICA: I know who'll give me all the dirt I want. WALLACE: Who? Cut to the girls' bathroom. Darcy is gazing in the mirror while Veronica, back to the mirror, leaning against the sink, listening VERONICA: His ex-girlfriend. DARCY: I'm as clueless as anyone about this trip he's on. I mean one day, he's totally cool, the next he's like alien lobotomy boy. VERONICA: Any explanation? DARCY: Nothing that made a bit of sense. He started babbling about renouncing the toxic death style of late-stage capitalist society and un-remembering the consumer siren song. I think compost even came up too, once. It was just so bizarre. I mean, I had to cut him loose. VERONICA: Did he talk about any new friends he'd made, before he started weirding out, I mean? DARCY: No, but [turns towards Veronica] you know what? I think he's got something going on with Miss Mills. VERONICA: You mean, like, sexually? DARCY: Yeah. It got to where they were doing everything together. He even started working for the literary magazine. I mean, this is the same guy who's been downloading every writing assignment since the seventh grade. He used to think Cliff Notes were for the intellectual posers. There's no way they're not getting it on. Cut to Veronica pondering on her bed then at her bedroom desk VERONICA VOICEOVER: Ah, how to get in tight with the lit-mag crowd. I've got it. Become one of them. The attributes and style of crap teen poetry: must be written in a funky colour of ink, must include dominant themes of alienation, sexual ambivalence, self-loathing, death, etcetera. Cut to Veronica in the shower. The pipes groan and Veronica jumps back out of the water with a yelp. Cut to Veronica exiting her bedroom in her bathrobe VERONICA: Dad! You're an ex-cop. You know gangland enforcer types. Can't you find someone to intimidate the maintenance supe into fixing the hot water problem? KEITH: Honey, he swears he's putting all new copper pipes, new five thousand gallon tank, the works. VERONICA: That nimrod has been feeding us the same line for five months. KEITH: Just try to tough it out. Hey, if we get that five grand bonus, maybe we can go look for a new place. Veronica considers this with some satisfaction. Cut to another classroom. A male teacher walks between the two rows of desks down each side of the room, facing each other TEACHER: Ten-o-five, ladies and gents, time to get cracking. Hope y'all have those editorial content analyses I signed last week. Everybody good? Okay then, let's break into groups of four and start comparing notes. STUDENT: So, you wanna be in my group? The students all shunt their desks into groups of four. Veronica, slow to start, finds herself excluded VERONICA VOICEOVER: Can you feel the luv? Cut to Veronica walking into the school. She is approached by Holly Mills and they walk on together HOLLY: Hey, Veronica! VERONICA: Miss Mills, what's up? HOLLY: I, um, read the poem you submitted for the literary journal, "I Cut Because I Can". VERONICA: Oh, yeah. Um, there are a bunch I thought about submitting but that one seemed more I don't know, relevant to where I am now. So, are you going to publish it? HOLLY: Well, you have a very unique outlook, Veronica. You know, if you ever feel like sharing, there's a place where you're always welcome to do so. We're kind of like family. VERONICA: [Pulling up in the hall] Yeah, I have some friends who work on your literary magazine and they say it's really cool. HOLLY: Actually, I'm, uh, I'm talking about the folks out at the Moon Calf Collective. That's where I live. Something tells me you'd really enjoy visiting. I-if you'd like I could even take you out there today. How's that sound? VERONICA VOICEOVER: So Miss Mills lures kids out to cult headquarters? VERONICA: That sounds great. I'm ready to go whenever you are. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Wait, what did Dad say about going out there? Cut to Holly exiting her car. The LeBaron is pulled up behind her. The music starts up: "Make a Deal With the City" by East River Pipe SONG: You live in this city, make a deal with the city now You live in this city, make a deal with the city right now Sometimes just grow up, sometimes just keep faith Sometimes just hang on, sometimes pull away You live in this city, make a deal with the city now You live in this city, make a deal with the city right now 'Cause people disappear, and life might be a joke You get {?} every day like a {?} No bye-byes, no bye-byes, no bye-byes They will fly away from you; they will fly away from you They will fly away from you; they will fly away from you They are in the country on a large farm. Veronica looks around HOLLY: Come on over. VERONICA: This is all so amazing. I feel like I'm on a movie set or something. Thank you so much for inviting me Miss Mills. HOLLY: Ah, around here I'm just Holly. And as far as you can see is all ours. You should take some time later, wander around and get a feel for the place. Just stay out of the barn; you do not want to go in there, trust me. Veronica pauses and looks back at the barn they've just passed VERONICA VOICEOVER: Hey, way to throw me off your trail, Holly. "Wander freely, don't go in the barn, whatever you do"? Maybe I should play this needy, despondent waif card more often. Veronica catches up with Holly HOLLY: Come meet my man. Well, really he kind of owns all of us. A man approaches Holly HOLLY: Hey. They kiss long and lovingly as Veronica observes VERONICA VOICEOVER: Forbidden barn? Check. Implied polygamy? Check. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a cult. HOLLY: Veronica, this is Josh. JOSH: Hey there. Joss hugs a somewhat surprised Veronica VERONICA: [High pitched] Hi. The hug goes on and on JOSH: Hmm. VERONICA: Help. VERONICA VOICEOVER: I knew I should have included a few discreet lesbian overtones in that poem. Josh finally lets her go and steps back. Casey approaches CASEY: Hey, Veronica. I heard you were coming but I had to see to believe. VERONICA: Yeah, I, I don't blame you. This is off my beaten path a bit. CASEY: But now that I think about it, it makes perfect sense that you'd wind up here sooner or later. VERONICA: Yeah. Josh kisses Holly again and wanders off CASEY: Cool, well I'm sure I'll be seeing a lot more of you and I'll catch up with you later, okay? Casey wanders off as well HOLLY: Veronica, it's only a few hours 'til dinner time. Why don't you stay and join us. As you can see, the gardens have really blessed us this year. They approach tables set outside at which people are preparing food. They head for one where a young black girl, Rain, is stirring something in a bowl VERONICA: Sure, that would be great. I'm starving. All I had today was Beef Mexi-Melt and some Cinnamon Crispas. Holly laughs RAIN: Those Crispas are awesome, aren't they? Frankly, I'd give my body to anybody for one of those Chocolate Taco Ice Cream deserts. HOLLY: Believe it or not, I think we can raise the culinary bar a bit higher. As you can see, we get a lot done through team work. In fact, if you want to jump in, you're more than welcome, if you're interested. All three have moved over to another table where Django works VERONICA: Ah, sure. Fair warning though. My idea of gourmet cooking is sprinkling on some three year old Bacos to my microwave soup. RAIN: Yeah, same here actually. But most of us are just grunt workers anyways. We find our satisfaction in realizing the visions of chef Django here. DJANGO: The secret ingredient's love. Holly wanders off leaving Veronica with Rain RAIN: I'm Rain. Glad to meet you. VERONICA: Veronica. Likewise. So, this thing you're doing seems easy enough, even I can do it. Where do I start? RAIN: Actually, I've just about done here but I'll hook you up with a job that's a little more fun. Cut to Rain milking a cow RAIN: That's a good girl, Isis. See Veronica? It's pretty easy once you get the rhythm down. She stands to allow Veronica to take her place. Uncertain, Veronica tentatively takes the nipple in her hand and pumps. Nothing happens VERONICA: Easy for you but I'm not getting a freaking drop. RAIN: She may be a little nervous. Are you nervous, sweetie? VERONICA VOICEOVER: Okay, got the youngest moonie away from the herd. Time to dig up dirt. VERONICA: So I guess you can tell I learned all I know about country life from "Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman" reruns. RAIN: What do you mean? VERONICA: Well, for example, I was under the assumption that milking takes place in, you know, a barn. RAIN: Well, sometimes, I guess. But I don't think there's any hard, fast rule though. Veronica gives up and stands VERONICA: So Josh is cool, huh? He's kind of sexy. RAIN: Really? I hadn't really noticed, but, you're right, he's a great guy. You're really gonna enjoy getting to know him. VERONICA: I'll bet. Holly says it's looking like a kick-ass harvest this year. I don't think I asked what you guys were growing. RAIN: I guess you could say it's the ultimate cash crop. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Yahtzee. VERONICA: And what's that? RAIN: I can't even begin to describe it. But it'll blow your mind. Cut to later as the collective are gathering around a fire. One of the members, possibly Django, is strumming his guitar, playing and singing the Velvet Underground's "Oh! Sweet Nuthin'" SONG: Oh, sweet nuthin' She ain't got nuthin' at all I said, oh, sweet nuthin' 'Cause she ain't got nuthin' at all Say a word for Jimmy Brown He ain't got nuthin' at all He knocked the shirt right off his back He ain't got nuthin' at all With the others, Veronica gets up from one of the tables the food was served on and heads to join the circle around the fire VERONICA VOICEOVER: Enough, already with this mellow incense and peppermints vibe. Let's break out the mushrooms and dance naked! Strap on the goat skull headgear, sacrifice a few infants. Come on, people, you're cultists. Start acting like it. HOLLY: Veronica, over here. CASEY: Hey, Mars! Why don't you come on over here? I feel like I gave you the hit and run treatment earlier. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Wow. It's Bizarro world. Out here I'm Miss Popular. CASEY: I'm serious. Look, we've been going to classes together for, what, three years? And I don't think we actually ever really talked. Lately, I feel like I've been missing out on a lot. The singer comes to an end of his song and Josh takes the centre JOSH: Okay. RANDOM MOON CALF: That was great. JOSH: So how was everybody's day? What's up? RAIN: I woke up scared. I felt like I was in a dream of peace and happiness VERONICA VOICEOVER: Do not roll your eyes, Veronica. You're undercover. JOSH: It's strange, isn't it? How we believe more in the reality of RANDOM MOON CALF: I JOSH: Pain. RANDOM MOON CALF: suddenly I realised I was conscious only of my own voice and delivery. I was like directing myself in a play JOSH: I'm feeling you there, brother. I have to watch that all the time myself. HOLLY: This is scary. I'm 32 years old and I feel like I'll never have a better moment than this. JOSH: Veronica Mars. Hey, how 'bout a big Moon Calf welcome for the honoured guest. Everyone claps and moos HOLLY: Veronica's a writer, a poet. She has a unique voice I think you'd all appreciate. Would you honour us with the one you showed me earlier? VERONICA VOICEOVER: I was just reading in last month's "Koreshian Bride" that four out of five cult leaders like their handmaidens nubile, flighty, and teetering on the edge of a breakdown. Veronica stands nervously. She clears her throat HOLLY: Go for it, Veronica. She looks around then grabs her bag VERONICA: I'm sorry, I have to go. Veronica races off. Cut to her walking towards the forbidden barn VERONICA VOICEOVER: There. That performance should have them asking me back. Veronica opens the barn door and is met by a panicked and bucking horse. She falls back into the mud. As she gets up, Josh, Holly and Casey run up to her CASEY: Veronica! Are you all right? VERONICA: Oh, god, I'm so sorry everybody. I was freaked out and just wanted someplace to sit and pull myself together before driving. HOLLY: Oh, it's my fault, Veronica. I shouldn't have teased you earlier with all that stuff about the forbidden barn. JOSH: This is a little project we're undertaking. One of our neighbours was going to put down Hildegard here. We're nursing her back. Slowly but surely. Cut to Veronica opening the door to the apartment. Keith is sitting in the armchair KEITH: You're covered in mud. VERONICA: See? That's why you make the big bucks. KEITH: So what'd you find out about my boy, Casey? VERONICA: His ex-girlfriend confirms what his parents said. He's a full blooded cultist. Cut to Veronica turning on the shower VERONICA VOICEOVER: I can't get it out of my mind. Somewhere in Pennsylvania, a lab tech is determining if I'm heir to a billion dollar fortune. It's not about the money, [stepping into the shower, gasping at the cold] it's about making Jake Kane pay. But if I am an heiress, [adopting a Southern Belle accent] as God is my witness I'll never take cold showers again. Cut to Casey walking along the school hall. Veronica runs to catch up VERONICA: Casey! Hey. Wait up. I'm so ashamed of myself for my meltdown last night. I was a rampaging jackass. CASEY: [Smiles broadly] Have you forgotten who you're talking to? I'm Casey Gant, okay? I wrote the jackass Bible, the jackass Koran, the jackass Talmud. [Sincerely] Why don't you come back out? It'd mean a lot to me. Cut to the collective. Peter Tosh's "(You Gotta Walk) But Don't Look Back" starts up VERONICA VOICEOVER: Of course, if I'm not an heiress, Dad and I could really use this five grand and if it means me having to save this homely boy from cultists, so be it. SONG: There is no hiding place (can't run, can't hide, can't run) Just your problems, no one else's problems you just have to face (can't run, can't hide, can't run) If you just put your hand in mine we're gonna leave all our troubles behind We're gonna walk and don't look back (don't look back) We're gonna walk and don't look back (don't look back) Now if your first lover let you down There's something that can be done (can't run, can't hide, can't run) Tell me what you do brother Don't heal your faith in love Remembering what's become (can't run, can't hide, can't run) Oh no So if you just put your hand in mine We're gonna leave Josh approaches Veronica and enfolds her in another big hug JOSH: Veronica. I can't tell you how happy I am to see you again. I guess, uh, you can see everyone else feels the same way? Everybody calls to her, welcoming her VERONICA VOICEOVER: Get your game face on, Mars. VERONICA: I'm floored. JOSH: Hey, listen, would you like to join me for a walk? VERONICA VOICEOVER: I knew it. This is when the cult leader claims me as his new bride. Veronica pauses to turn on the tape recorder in her bag then follows JOSH: I'm not judging you, I'm just, I'm saying what you already know. VERONICA VOICEOVER: That fake fur was a poor choice to infiltrate utopia? JOSH: You've built this fortress around yourself. Now, it does offer a limited amount of protection but it also keeps other people and all they have to offer at bay, starving your soul. Now, you might want to consider...opening yourself up. Letting other people inside. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Let other people inside? Got anyone particular in mind? [Reaching into her bag to keep her hand on her taser] Maybe if I discreetly flash Mr Taser... JOSH: So, has anyone told you what we grow here? VERONICA: I heard it was the ultimate cash crop. JOSH: That it is. Cut to inside a large greenhouse filled with poinsettias JOSH: Impressive, isn't it? VERONICA: Aren't these poinsettias? JOSH: And Christmas is right around the corner. See, we never would have been able to finish off the greenhouse if Casey hadn't given us that money. VERONICA: I wish I wasn't so broke right now, otherwise, I'd try to chip in too. JOSH: Oh, well our goal isn't to be a charity case. I mean, it's not that we have anything against money, it's just, it's kind of like water, you know? Lots of symbolic power but really just a lifeless substance when you get right down to it but the paradox is that life as we know it would be impossible without it, if you see what I'm saying. VERONICA VOICEOVER: You're saying you don't want my money, you don't want my body, you don't want me working in your ganja fields, you just want me to be happy. Strange. "Have a Nice Day" by the Stereophonics plays against a montage of happy scenes as the collective prepares food. Veronica is enjoying herself [SCENE_BREAK] SONG: San Francisco Bay, past pier thirty nine Early p.m. can't remember what time Got the waiting cab stopped at the red light Address, unsure of but it turned out just right Josh approaches the working tables, a man following behind him JOSH: Hey, listen up everybody. This is important. We've got South of the County Water Department who's out here to check for lead in the pipes so try not to use the water for the next fifteen to minutes, all right? The man is Keith and he is very unhappy to see his daughter VERONICA VOICEOVER: That's it. I'm dead. Cut to Veronica sneaking into Mars Investigations. Keith, very angry, comes out of the kitchenette KEITH: There ya are. What the hell were you thinking Veronica? That's got to be the worst decision I've ever seen by someone who wasn't literally brain damaged. Since when do you reserve the right to totally blow of my instructions? Does my judgement, my concern for your safety carry that little weight with you? VERONICA: I'm sorry. Dad, I screwed up, big time, I know. Trust me. I'll be following your game plan the rest of the way. They just seem so harmless. KEITH: What is your basis for that call? The absence of swastikas engraved on their foreheads? Please, reassure me that you aren't that dense. VERONICA: I'm sorry. Really. So did you plant any bugs when you were out there? KEITH: Yes. VERONICA: You've been listening in? KEITH: Uh-huh. VERONICA: Heard anything incriminating yet? KEITH: Nope. It's like listening to "The Brady Bunch" with a reggae soundtrack. VERONICA: What about your background check on Josh? Anything shady, out of line? KEITH: Up until four years ago, he was a manager of a downloadable ring development team at E-Tones. One day without warning he quit his job, cashed out his stock and used it to buy the land for the collective. Holly's totally clean as well. VERONICA: So what's our next step? KEITH: There's no "our" about it. You are officially off this case. I'll take it home from here. VERONICA: What? That makes no sense whatsoever! Aren't you even interested in what I've learned? KEITH: What's the point, Veronica? I'm prepared to admit that these Moon Calves probably don't merit the full ATF fire-bombing treatment. I mean, my guess is they're just a bunch of tie-dyed Oliver Twists who scam naive kids to pay the bills. The door to Mars Investigations opens behind them as the Gants walk in with another man KEITH: Mr Gant. Keith holds out his hand but Mr Gant ignores it MR GANT: I'm sure you have a lot to report but first there's something you need to know. Cut to the Gants sitting in Keith's office with the strange man standing quietly behind them. Veronica eavesdrops from the main office MRS GANT: Mr Mars, my mother, Casey's grandmother, is dying. She had a severe stroke on Tuesday night, she's effectively brain dead and not expected to make it more than a couple of days. KEITH: My condolences. MRS GANT: Thanks. This has been a tough disorienting time for us. Even more so because of something else we've just learned from her attorney. KEITH: What's that? MRS GANT: If she dies, the bulk of her fortune, about eighty million dollars, goes to Casey. Well w-we're afraid he's simply gonna hand it all over to that cult. KEITH: I appreciate that information. And, um, I wish I could say that I found something that we could nail them on but that's not the case. I mean, not yet anyway. At least you should know that I've seen no evidence that Casey's in danger. STRANGE MAN: I'm sorry to contradict you, Mr Mars. But I have substantial experience with these groups. The sooner we get him off that farm, the better. If you're current strategies aren't working, perhaps you should try something new. KEITH: Any relevant experience you can share, I'll be happy to consider it. What's your background, anyway, if you don't mind my asking? STRANGE MAN: Technically, my field is SMSPI. Systematic Manipulation of Social and Psychological Influence. One vulgar term is deprogramming. KEITH: No kidding. I've heard of that. How does that work, anyway? The man turns his head to the door and notices that it is open and Veronica is listening. He pushes the door to STRANGE MAN: In simple terms, I control the elements of a subject's social and psychological environment to eradicate undesirable modes of behaviour. I'm then able to instil or re-instil desirable ones. I'm quite good at my work. KEITH: Yeah, I bet. MRS GANT: We just want Casey back home again. Soon. This is a sensitive situation and we ask that you proceed accordingly. KEITH: Of course. Keith nods. In the main office, Veronica moves away from the door. Cut to the Mars' apartment. Veronica, offscreen and in the shower, screams. Keith and Backup both look up at the bathroom door. Cut to Neptune High. Wallace approaches Veronica in the hallway WALLACE: Not to sweat you, V, but when will we see the FBI-Swarms-Coke-Compound headline? VERONICA: The case is dead in the water. We found diddly squat on the Moon Calves and I seriously doubt that there's anything to find. Plus, my dad caught me out at the farm so now it's seriously off limits. WALLACE: Dang. VERONICA: As if that weren't enough, I'm starting to doubt the whole rationale for what we're doing. Casey, noxious, overbearing 09er butthead Casey has become a really sweet guy and I think this so-called cult deserves most of the credit. WALLACE: Sounds to me, Veronica, like you've been drinking the Kool-Aid. VERONICA: I have not. WALLACE: You better recognize. VERONICA: Thank you for being my own personal "Springer" audience. Should I check myself before I wreck myself? WALLACE: All I'm saying is, is you may be getting a little soft. VERONICA: Right and I'm CASEY: Hey, Veronica. Listen, I've got to go visit my grandma in the hospital after school. Do you want to come with me? Casey rushes up to them VERONICA: Yeah, sure Casey, I'd love to. CASEY: Good. Casey smiles and goes off. Wallace grins and backs away from her WALLACE: [Whispers as he goes] Soft, soft. Cut to Casey's grandmother in hospital, Casey and Veronica on either side of her bed CASEY: It's so hard to see her this way. Wanna hear something sad? VERONICA: Sure. CASEY: My parents' fortune. Every last nickel of it comes from Grandma's publishing company. Mom and Dad had nothing to do with it. Grandma provided for everything. Then, a couple of years ago when she started having strokes, started forgetting stuff, my parents, who call her Grandmonster behind her back, just stopped paying any attention to her. It's amazing how much better they started treating me once they found out that she decided to leave all her money to me. VERONICA: So, how long have they known she was willing her money to you? CASEY: They've known for a year. Cut to Veronica dropping Casey off at the collective VERONICA: I wish I could come with you. CASEY: I know. Thanks for spending all this time with me. You know, if you wanted to, you could. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Crazy thing? I do want to. Veronica starts up the car reluctantly and drives away. Cut to the Mars' kitchen. Veronica gets a carton of milk from the fridge, setting it on the counter. On the side of the carton is the picture of a runaway: Debbie Myer. Amongst her details, it shows she's 17 and went missing on 29 April 2002. It's Rain. Veronica gets a glass from the cupboard and grabs the milk to fill it. She spots the photo VERONICA: Rain? Cut to later. Veronica is sitting in the dark, staring at the milk carton when Keith enters the apartment KEITH: That must be good milk. VERONICA: Recognise her? That's Rain. One of the girls from the collective. Real name, Debbie Myer. She's a runaway, a minor. KEITH: So we gotta call the Gant family right away. VERONICA: Hold it, hold it. Please Dad. Let's think about this for a minute. KEITH: This is what we're working for. We were praying for a break and now you gave it to us. Don't tell me the prospect of having new digs and steady hot water doesn't sound good to you. And we can't just blow this off, Veronica. They're contributing to the delinquency of a minor. It's a serious crime. VERONICA: Oh, please, Dad, you've been around these people. Do you honestly think they're corrupting anyone? I think they're exactly what they seem to be; a bunch of sweet, naive, sixties throwbacks. KEITH: That's possibly true but definitely beside the point. Even if they are the Utopian sweethearts you think they are, we don't answer morally or otherwise to the Moon Calf Collective. We answer to our clients who pay us to do a job and that job is to find the information they want. Keith walks away as Veronica ponders unhappily. Cut to Neptune High. Veronica enters Holly's empty classroom. Holly is cleaning the blackboard HOLLY: Hey, Veronica. Casey told me you were out at the farm last night. I wish you could have stayed a while, it was so beautiful. The moon was so bright, you could almost read by it. VERONICA: Holly, there's something you need to know about, right now. The thing is I work for my dad who's a private detective, okay, and Holly looks up, past Veronica. She turns to see Casey, tears streaming down his face CASEY: Mr Clemmons just called me to his office. My grandma died this morning. HOLLY: Oh, Casey. Holly holds him. HOLLY: Casey. Veronica strokes his arm. The delicate strains of "Famous Lover" by The Fire Marshals Of Bethlehem start up. Cut to the cemetery as the funeral for Casey's grandmother concludes SONG: Lay down your arm and sing with me My melody is shaky You say you knew, when we first met I'd be your famous lover There's a {?} around us It makes an angry sound But you are speaking slowly Beauty and time, my famous lover Build bridges over water Dream of the buildings there I know that when I stumble You'll remain my famous lover. Casey walks away with Josh and Holly. Veronica races up to them VERONICA: Josh, Holly. I've done something I regret. I found out that Rain was a runaway. I told my dad about it. You have to get her the hell out of there right away. JOSH: It's okay, Veronica. We get the picture. Everything's gonna be just fine. We appreciate you being up front with us. If you'll excuse us. Ah, come join us later if you like. VERONICA: Thanks, Josh. I won't keep him long. Josh and Holly leave and Casey walks Veronica to her car. CASEY: I appreciated you being here. For no reason that I can see, you've been a real friend to me lately. VERONICA: Can you really say that after what I just told you? CASEY: I guess I don't think that you were faking the kindness. Am I wrong? Veronica smiles. Casey looks over to a large limo CASEY: Well, I guess I better go have this conversation with my parents. They wanna hear that I'm not going to let them starve. Casey helps Veronica into her car and walks down to talk to his parents, waiting by the limo. She watches through the rear view mirror. As Casey nears them, two men grab him and shove him into the limo CASEY: Hey, come on, what are you doing? Hey! Veronica jumps out of her car as the strange man gets into the limo after him VERONICA: Hey! What are you doing to him? Stop! Stop! Veronica watches the car drive away. Cut to Mars Investigations VERONICA: Dad! We have to call the police, Casey's just been kidnapped. KEITH: What? What are you talking about? Kidnapped by who? VERONICA: By his parents and that creepy guy that was with them at the last meeting. They grabbed him in the parking lot at the funeral and shoved him in the limo and drove away. KEITH: They grabbed him? So it was against his will, then? He tried to get away? VERONICA: No, it's not like he was running from them. I was kind of far away but I could tell he was surprised by what was happening. Keith gets up from his chair and comes round to sit on his desk, facing Veronica KEITH: Okay. I wasn't there. You saw what you saw, I'm not doubting your interpretation but if I was still sheriff and somebody told me an 18 year old kid got into a car with his parents after his grandmother's funeral, well there's nothing I could do about it. Not for a couple of days anyway so let's just hold off. See what happens, okay? VERONICA: I wish we hadn't turned over that information about the collective. KEITH: We didn't. VERONICA: What? You didn't KEITH: Um-um. I thought about what you said, what I heard on the wire tap and, uh, you were right. Once you get past all the sixties theme park trappings, that community's a lot more wholesome and functional than, just for example, Neptune is. [Picks up a file from his desk] I also did a little checking on Debbie Myer. What a life. Poor kid's been in four foster homes since she was eight years old. Reports of serious abuse in at least two and I had to admit it, she's a lot better off where she is. Veronica bestows on him a loving smile. Cut to the parking lot at Neptune High as Veronica gets out of her car. There is a flyer on her windscreen. She grabs it, glances at it and heads round her car to the car parked next to her VERONICA VOICEOVER: With each day that passes, I come more to terms with the question of my paternity. It's Duncan's car. She sticks the flyer on his windscreen. Duncan notices and exits the car DUNCAN: What's this? He grabs the flyer DUNCAN: [Reads] Free Crab Rangoon with purchase of Happy Family Dinner at Wok'n'Roll. Phat. Don't think I didn't notice the sacrifice. VERONICA: My pleasure. Duncan walks on but turns back to glance at Veronica. He smiles. Veronica watches him go VERONICA VOICEOVER: I sent off for those test results because I wanted the truth. But can a lab tech really see the shape of my soul in a drunken conga line of genes? Jake Kane could be my father. But whether he is or isn't, would I really claim him as such and deny the man who raised me? Wallace runs up to join her WALLACE: Veronica, wait up! What's up? A Porsche Boxster cuts across their path into a parking space WALLACE: Oh. Now that's a sweet ride. Casey gets out, giving Veronica a disdainful look CASEY: What's up, Veronica. Veronica watches the old Casey go regretfully. Cut to Veronica entering the apartment. She checks the mail and freezes VERONICA VOICEOVER: The DNA test results. Veronica lies on her bed, holding the unopened envelope VERONICA VOICEOVER: It's my call now. I can open this letter and find out if my dad is really my dad. If he's not, then I'm almost certainly the daughter of Jake Kane and, consequently, an heiress. Veronica quietly sneaks into Keith's bedroom, trying not to wake him. She shreds the envelope in the shredder. The noise wakes Keith, who turns on the lamp by his bed. VERONICA: Hey, Dad. KEITH: Honey, I don't mean to ask a silly question but is, is it really necessary that you do that right now? VERONICA: Yeah. As a matter of fact it is.

Plan: A: Veronica; Q: Who investigates Clarence Wiedman? A: pictures; Q: What did Clarence Wiedman take of Veronica? A: her mother; Q: Who did Clarence send pictures of Veronica to? A: the Moon Calf Collective; Q: What is the name of the peace-loving cult that Casey joined? A: 09er Casey; Q: Who joined the Moon Calf Collective? A: a DNA test; Q: What does Veronica take to find out if Keith is her biological father? A: the results; Q: What does Veronica destroy without looking at them? Summary: Veronica investigates Clarence Wiedman, the head of Kane Security who took pictures of her and sent them to her mother, on her own initiative. Concurrently, she investigates the Moon Calf Collective, a peace-loving cult that 09er Casey joined. Veronica takes a DNA test to find out if Keith is actually her biological father, but she destroys the results without looking at them.

[EXT. DESERT -- NIGHT] (Open on a dark screen.) CUE MUSIC (Off in the distance, we make out the horizon. Just beyond that is the faint impression of lights approaching in the distance.) (The lights arrive. They bounce up and down in the night. More lights appear showing us a group of people far off in the distance carrying flashlights and running.) (From up above, a search light from a flying helicopter appears to be shining down on the approaching group of people. As the people get closer, we see added red and blue lights in the background from police officer cars slowly following them.) (Leading the way are two police officers on motor bikes. Following the motorbikes is the group of runners.) (They get closer to the camera, we see that they are Desert runners out on a competitive run. The first wave of runners pass the camera. The middle of the group approaches. Taking up the rear are eight police cars. The last plane car carries a sign on its roof: THE LAW ENFORCEMENT DESERT RELAY.) (It's a healthy group of people running a relay. The approaching group heads toward the second group, in the runners grips are their batons.) (In this current group, SARA holds the baton as she runs.) (One by one, runners hand off their baton to the next runner up on deck.) (SARA hands off to NICK, #88. He grabs the baton and takes off. SARA finishes her leg of the race and catches GREG in a hug as she comes to a stop.) (NICK takes off. Several dissolves shows him running, grabbing a water bottle off the water stand for hydration and continuing his run.) (Dissolve to: WARRICK runs the next leg.) (Dissolve to: An overhead shot of the race as it continues.) (The opening music fades and the sounds of the helicopter flying overhead takes over.) (Dissolve to: CATHERINE runs the next leg of the race to sounds of Vangeliss' "Chariots of Fire". She glances over at GRISSOM driving the car next to her.) Catherine: (irritated) What the hell kind of music is that? Grissom: Inspiration. Catherine: Sedative. Grissom: Okay. (He changes the radio station and a country song plays.) Lyric: Sitting single / drinking double ... Grissom: How's this? Catherine: How about something that doesn't twang? (He changes the station once more.) Lyric: I said are you gonna be my girl? Catherine: Better. (Rock music plays and CATHERINE continues to run. Off in the distance, a flashing red light catches GRISSOM'S attention.) Lyric: one, two, three, take my hand and come with me / because you look so fine / that I really wanna make you mine / I say you look so fine... (CATHERINE continues to run straight ahead as GRISSOM turns the car and makes his way toward the flashing red light. CATHERINE stops) Catherine: (shouts) Hey, Grissom! (GRISSOM takes off.) Catherine: Grissom! (CATHERINE stops running and watches as GRISSOM speeds off and away, a cloud of dust in his wake.) (CATHERINE sighs and takes off after him.) Catherine: Grissom! (Cut to: GRISSOM stands just outside his parked car. He shines his flashlight down on the ground in front of his feet looking at something.) Catherine: (panting) Gris-s-som! (She falls against the park car, pissed more than ever at him.) Catherine: God! What, are you taking a leak? (She limps over to him, still not seeing what he's looking at.) Catherine: (angry) The follow car is supposed to stay with the runner. We've been training for months, man. Twenty CSIs. A hundred twenty miles. Grissom: Don't blame me. Blame him. (He points to the dead body in front of him.) Grissom: I saw his flasher from the road. (CATHERINE immediately goes into work mode.) Catherine: Good call. Grissom: Fresh cut on his forehead. But the corneas usually take days to gloss over. Catherine: Weird. The race just started. (They both kneel next to the body. CATHERINE reads the badge patch on the dead runner's jacket.) Catherine: L.A. County PD. Special Enforcement Squad. Badass. Hardcore badass. Give me some more light here. (GRISSOM shines the flashlight on the dead body's knuckles.) Catherine: That looks like a recent injury. There's no scab. Fight? Grissom: Maybe. Catherine: Would you give me your phone? (GRISSOM hands CATHERINE his cell phone. She makes a call.) Catherine: (to phone) Uh ... Uh, this is CSI Willows. (GRISSOM notes the dead body's runner's number plate, 3.) Catherine: (to phone) I'm at highway 160, halfway through leg 16 of the Desert Relay. We got a 419, officer down. Notify Captain Brass. (GRISSOM sees a fiber just barely latched onto the dead body's outfit and flapping in the wind. GRISSOM grabs it and looks at it in his flashlight. She hangs up.) Catherine: Barehanded, huh? Grissom: Well, collect it or lose it. Ten years ago nobody would've known the difference. Catherine: Ten years ago we wouldn't have been able to get DNA off that fiber. Grissom: I'll find something in the car to bindle it. Catherine: Time of discovery: 4:32. I'll put it in the report. (CATHERINE exhales.) Catherine: So much for the race. Grissom: Well, at least we didn't come in last. HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DESERT -- DAY] (The wind blows the sand away from a shoe print as CATHERINE tries to take a picture of it. DAVID PHILLIPS is with the body logging in the necessary information.) (Down below on the main road, runners continue to pass by.) (GREG stands nearby as he draws the crime scene noting the "power tower", the "clearing" and the distance from the road (69'-3").) (On the side, BRASS talks with DET. VARTAN.) (CATHERINE tries to snap the photo of the shoe print. She lifts the camera, looks at the print, puts the camera down and sighs. GRISSOM is looking at something on the ground nearby.) Catherine: So much for that shoe print. (GRISSOM notes the red stain on the underside of a rock.) Grissom: This could be blood on this rock. (GRISSOM reaches for a bag.) Catherine: How many cops are in town this weekend? Grissom: Twenty thousand. And the road is closed to civilians. Catherine: Spring break with a badge. (GRISSOM bags the rock.) Well, this ought to be fun. Every suspect's in law enforcement. (Meanwhile, DAVID PHILLIPS finds a receipt in the dead body's pants pocket. He tucks it in a plastic bag. GREG continues drawing the scene. Next to them is LT. MENDEZ. He stands over them watching them processes the crime scene.) David Phillips: So, how was your run? Greg: I'm still alive. David Phillips: That's everything. (DAVID PHILLIPS hands the bag of contents to GREG. GREG takes the bag and looks at the receipt for a $300.00 ATM withdrawal on 04/27/04 from: FIRST MONUMENT BANK Greg: ATM receipt. No card, no cash? David Phillips: Well, he was in a race. Greg: Maybe someone took his wallet. (BRASS talks with LT. MENDEZ.) Brass: So, Lieutenant Mendez, tell me about your teammate. Mendez: Tim Coleman. Newest boot. Two months in. Came right out of patrol. Best cop at Carson Station. Brass: Well, I mean, he's got to be in shape. I heard your training's as tough as SWAT. Mendez: SWAT's LAPD. We're S-E-S. We're better. Better conditioned, better prepared. (He points to GRISSOM & his team working the crime scene.) Those the best you got? Brass: Yeah. Yeah. You got lucky. Mendez: (helpfully offers) Well, if they're not, I'll fly mine in. (BRASS chuckles.) Brass: Let me put it to you this way, I'd want them investigating my murder. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY] (DR. ROBBINS goes over his preliminary findings with GRISSOM as they both stand around the body on the table.) Robbins: Other than the fact that he's deceased, this guy is in excellent physical condition. Grissom: (points) Except for that head wound. Robbins: Eh, superficial. Could be from a fall. Your bloody rock may be incidental. Grissom: (points) What about the bloody knuckles? Robbins: Injury on the back of his hand. Maybe an altercation of some sort. Grissom: So cause of death? Robbins: No cerebral issues. No primary indicators. Grissom: We go to the fallback position. Robbins: Cardiac arrest. Grissom: This guy was 25 years old. Robbins: Didn't say I was finished. Clouded corneas tipped me off. Look at the liver. (He hands the metal dish with the organ inside to GRISSOM. Camera zooms in for a close up.) His serosal surfaces are unusually dry. His urine was minimal and dark brown. Grissom: Dehydration. Robbins: Well, the race isn't the only reason these guys come to town. It's a good party. Grissom: Too much running, too much partying? Robbins: L.A. S-E-S. They go all out. Grissom: Work hard, play hard, die young, leave a good-looking corpse. (Camera holds on the body on the table.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY] (GRISSOM enters the hallway looking through a file folder.) Catherine: Grissom. (CATHERINE joins him and they continue walking down the hall.) Catherine: Tox came in. Tim Coleman had 75 mics per mil of furosemide in his system. Grissom: Blood pressure medication? There's no history of that in his medical records. Catherine: And it was a high dose, but not a lethal one. (They walk into GRISSOM'S office.) [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM leans back against his desk.) Grissom: But it is a diuretic. Could explain the dehydration. Catherine: And the drug can also cause muscle cramps, ... (Quick flash to: [EXT. DESERT - NIGHT] A lone runner is confused and running in the desert.) Catherine: (V.O.) ... dizziness, confusion, blurred vision, restlessness. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: That could explain how Tim Coleman ended up where he did. Grissom: How'd the furosemide get in his system in the first place? (CATHERINE shrugs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. - DAY] Announcer: (over P.A.) Listen up, people. ... Are one hour out and the party's raging here at the finish line. (WILL WARSHALL walks up to MENDEZ.) Will Warshall: Too bad you guys bet on the wrong horse. (MENDEZ throws his drink to the side, offended.) Mendez: Maybe you forgot. One of our own died out there in the dirt. Will Warshall: Yeah, I'll drink to his memory. You want to make the toast? Catherine: Am I interrupting something? Mendez: No. Will Warshall: Later, Pogue. (WILL WARSHALL walks away. CATHERINE nods toward the bags.) Catherine: Um, are those bags brought in from the race? Mendez: Yeah. Catherine: I'm going to need Tim Coleman's. Mendez: Sure. On the job, we come across a scene like this, we call them a bunch of degenerates. We'd be rounding half these guys up. I am not going to miss this. (He takes a drink out of his beer bottle.) Catherine: You're not going to miss the competition? Mendez: I just made lieutenant. I got nothing to prove anymore. Catherine: A man with nothing to prove. Now that would be a first. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY] (NICK is walking through the hallway when GREG catches up with him.) Greg: Got a second? Nick: Sure, what's up? Greg: On a hunch, I ran a bank trace on Tim Coleman. I got a hit. A three hundred dollar withdrawal on his ATM card, 4:06 A.M. today. Nick: That's about nine hours after he died. Good hunch, Greg-o. (GREG stops walking; NICK continues down the hallway.) Greg: Thanks. (beat) I also got surveillance video from the bank. (NICK stops in his tracks.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - AUDIO/VISUAL LAB - LATER] (GREG shows NICK the video of ATM #94286 from Holyfield/Maryland Pkwy at 4:06 a.m.) Greg: This ATM's on the corner of Holyfield and Maryland parkway. Since that's definitely not Tim Coleman, maybe it's our killer. Nick: Or at least, a thief. Greg: Well, all we got to do now is match a name with the face. Write up a description, send it off to dispatch for broadcast. (GREG starts to write out the forms. NICK looks at the video and sees something in the background.) Nick: There might be an easier way. Greg: Huh? (NICK points to the sign at the establishment across the street.) Greg: Fast 'n Fresh Burgers. (NICK then points to the MAN'S shirt with the matching logo.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - TRACE LAB - DAY] (GRISSOM looks through the scope.) (Scope view. Camera pushes in through the scope at the fiber magnified.) David Hodges: (V.O.) This is the thread you pulled off the runner's body. Grissom: Natural fiber? David Hodges: Mercerized cotton. Extremely strong. (Quick CGI POV to: A close up of the fiber in a red background liquid solution which is drawn into the fiber.) David Hodges: (V.O.) Fibers are placed in a caustic solution, splitting the fibers apart and providing an increased surface area to absorb the dye. Once it dries, it's exponentially stronger. (End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) David Hodges: This kind of thread is used in machine quilting and embroidery. Grissom: Like on a sports uniforms. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY] (The crowd cheers as the runners slowly reach the finish line.) Announcer: (over P.A.) Here they come, folks! It's still SWAT and SES fighting for the lead. (GRISSOM makes his way through the crowd. He watches as two runners, numbers 3 and 2, race to be the first over the finish line.) Announcer: (over P.A.) It's down to SWAT and SES! (The crowd cheers as runner #3 makes it over the finish line first. The time clock reads: 13:24:00.52.) Announcer: (over P.A.) LAPD SWAT wins the first time in eight years. Coming in at 13 hours, 24 minutes. (GRISSOM watches as runner #3 celebrates with his team mates and other people from the division. He looks carefully at the runner's jacket and notes the red embroidery.) (He smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. PARKING LOT -- DAY] (GRISSOM interviews RUNNER #3.) Runner #3: For the last six years, I ran the toughest leg of the relay ... against the same guy from SES. Brass: But this year, there was a new guy. Runner #3: Yeah, this cocky kid shows up. (Quick flashback to: [NIGHT] As RUNNER #3 warms up, TIM COLEMAN walks up to him to psych him out.) Tim Coleman: You're my competition? I thought this was supposed to be the hardest leg. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Runner #3: Typical SES, all mouth. Brass: What'd you do? Runner #3: Ignored him. (GRISSOM notes RUNNER #3's head wound.) Grissom: Looks like you got in a fight? Runner #3: Hey, I was here to race. He cold-cocked me. I never threw a punch. Grissom: We found red fibers on him that may match your jacket. Runner #3: I'm SWAT. I subdued him. (Quick flashback to: [EXT. NIGHT] RUNNER #3 and TIM COLEMAN are fist fighting. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: Mind if we take your jacket to confirm? (He removes his jacket and gives it to GRISSOM.) Runner #3: Knock yourself out. Not going to find any blood on it. (GRISSOM notes the frayed embroidery on the jacket.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY] (NICK interviews CLYDE GRIMES, the ATM user.) Nick: Had a real good talk with your manager, Clyde. How's Fast 'n Fresh treating you? Clyde Grimes: I'm up to $8.75 an hour. Nick: I guess this kind of beats saving up, huh? (NICK puts down the photo of CLYDE in a wide-mouthed yawn in front of the ATM camera.) Clyde Grimes: Look ... is my wife here? (He points to the mirror.) Is she behind the glass or something? Nick: I'll be talking to her soon enough. Clyde Grimes: Oh, come on, now. Is that really necessary? I mean, I'm just a regular guy ... Nick: Hey, regular guys don't steal $300 with a dead cop's ATM card, man! Clyde Grimes: Dead cop?! What are you talking about? Those three bills -- that's-that's my money. All right, technically, it's my wife's, but ...(whispers) ... I-I sell this tight little Asian chick a three dollar tasty meal. She says for $300, I can get a very tasty meal. (normal voice) I was about to go on my break anyway. My wife's not behind that glass, right? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY - DAY] (DET. VARTANN fills in WARRICK and SARA as they head to the hotel room through the hallway.) Det. Vartann: Hotel security came up on a noise complaint. Found two DBs. Room's registered to a uniform officer, Manny Senteno. Sara: One of ours? Det. Vartann: Laughlin PD, but he carries tin, so that makes him family. (They open the hotel room door and step inside.) [INT. HOTEL - ROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (They immediately see the first body on the floor near the bed.) Det. Vartann: Female vic's Patricia Fielding. Also PD. Bakersfield. (SARA puts her kit down by the female victim. WARRICK snaps a photo of the second body on the other side of the bed.) Warrick: He check in alone? Det. Vartann: Yeah, day before yesterday. Issued one key, but his itemized bill shows lots of room service for two. Sara: A wife or girlfriend would probably be on the register. (WARRICK snaps more photos. He looks at the things on the dresser counter, the luggage and the other counter.) Warrick: Looks like it's all his stuff. I don't see a purse around here. Guy's away from home, unwinds with some opportunity s*x ... (He sees the condoms on the dresser.) Looks like he came before he went. (SARA picks up the gun from PATRICIA FIELDING'S hand.) Sara: Glock 19, standard police issue. (WARRICK snaps another photo.) Sara: There's something on the slide. (She takes out something from the gun, looks at it and puts it in a bindle. She checks the cartridge.) Sara: Fourteen rounds left. Fifteen-round magazine. Warrick: Any good cop keeps one racked in the chamber. Two bullets, two bodies. (Quick flash to: [POSSIBLE SCENARIO - HOTEL ROOM - DAY] PATRICIA FIELDING points the gun at MANNY SENTENO. Manny Senteno: Put it down! Patricia Fielding: You dare me?! Put it down! (She fires. He falls. She shoots herself. She falls to the floor.) (End of scenario. Resume to present.) Warrick: I'm thinking straight-up murder/suicide. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. CSI - LAB - DAY] (CATHERINE and GRISSOM look through the contents of TIM COLEMAN'S gym bag.) Catherine: Tim Coleman's gear bag. Gym clothes, towel, vitamins, pocket knife. Grissom: Protein bar wrapper, empty water bottle, banana peel. Why the trash? Catherine: Well, you know, there's a five-minute penalty if you litter the race course. Grissom: Oh. What's the best way to get chemicals into your system? Catherine: Injection. Grissom: But there was no evidence of that. Second best? Catherine: Ingestion. (GRISSOM picks up the water bottle labeled, "COLEMAN".) (Cut to: GRISSOM tests the water in the water bottle.) (Cut to: CATHERINE tests the vitamins.) (Several cuts of both GRISSOM and CATHERINE testing their stuff.) (GRISSOM gets the Trace Lab Print out.) Grissom: Trace amounts of furosemide in his water bottle. Catherine: Someone spiked his drink. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HOTEL - PARKING LOT / LOBBY - NIGHT] (There's a party at the hotel/motel. CATHERINE makes her way through the pool-side party toward BRASS who is talking with the WILL WARSHALL, the man in the yellow shirt.) Catherine: Jim. Brass: Will Warshall, this is Catherine Willows from the crime lab. Will Warshall: Hi. There is something very wrong in the world if a woman like you is only handling test tubes. Catherine: Well, if you think that's all I handle, you're not as smart as you think. So, you're the L.A. County team medic, right? That means you're responsible for making sure that all your team mates are well hydrated. Will Warshall: Yeah. Catherine: Including Tim Coleman. Will Warshall: Yeah. Hell of a thing, that. Brass: You're currently #1 on the SES's transfer list. Same spot you were two months ago when they bypassed you to transfer in Tim Coleman, right? Will Warshall: Six months I'm on the top of the list. January 31 comes, and they reach over me and take Coleman. Brass: That's the cutoff date to run in the race. Coleman was a ringer. Will Warshall: Ding-ding. SES transferred him in for speed, not skill. Might not be another opening for years. I'm not getting any younger. And after all of that, Coleman doesn't even run. Catherine: He had a good excuse. Did you give it to him? Will Warshall: If I'm going to kill a guy, I'm not going to do it with twenty thousand cops around. Catherine: Well ... sounds like you've been giving it some serious thought. Will Warshall: Well, every cop does. My way? A sniper shot ... two hundred meters out. Coleman'd never even hear the "am" in "blam." [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY] (The door opens. SARA and DET. VARTANN walk in with MRS. SENTENO. They stop in front of a cloth-covered body on one of the morgue tables.) (DET. VARTANN walks over to the head of the table. He looks at MRS. SENTENO to see if she's ready to identify the body.) Det. Vartann: Okay? (She braces herself and nods. DET. VARTANN pulls the sheet away.) Det. Vartann: Mrs. Senteno, is this your husband? Mrs. Senteno: He doesn't wear his hair like that. (SARA watches her with concern. DET. VARTANN glances back at SARA, then addresses MRS. SENTENO.) Det. Vartann: There's some forms for you to sign, then we can talk in the lounge. (DET. VARTANN moves to put the sheet back, but MRS. SENTENO stops him.) Mrs. Senteno: What happened? Sara: Mrs. Senteno, we haven't finished our investigation yet, but your husband died from a gunshot wound. Mrs. Senteno: Who shot him? Sara: We don't know. Mrs. Senteno: Where was he found? Sara: In his hotel room. (She notices the second body on the table in the room, a toe tag hanging from a well-pedicured painted toe.) Mrs. Senteno: He wasn't alone, was he? Sara: No. Mrs. Senteno: I married a cop. With that comes alcohol and women to take the edge off. First time ... he said it meant nothing. He promised never to do it again. By the third time ... I told him to stop confessing. I wasn't going anywhere. Sara: Don't ask, don't tell. Mrs. Senteno: I wasn't willing to trade my family for the flavor of the month. That doesn't make me pathetic. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY] (WARRICK steps out of the room and catches SARA in the hallway.) Warrick: What happened? Break the bad news to the wife? Sara: Oh, I didn't have to. Warrick: Women always know, huh? Sara: Not always. Warrick: I think so. Women always know when the man is straying. Sara: What are you, the voice of experience? Warrick: (laughs) No. I'm a really nice guy. Sara: Oh, I believe you. (They head for the labs. WARRICK shows SARA the file folder he's carrying.) Warrick: Well, you need to believe this. There was one bullet in each of the bodies. They both came from the glock. And the prints on the glock are from a female, so it's still looking like a murder/suicide. (She takes the file folder from him and turns to walk into the trace lab.) Sara: All right. [INT. CSI - TRACE LAB - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (SARA walks up to DAVID HODGES.) Sara: Hey. You anywhere on my fibers? (She puts the file folder on the counter.) David Hodges: I'm dealing with a lot of things today. My phone has been ringing off the hook. CSI is taking a ton of crap because we didn't finish the race. Sara: There was a dead cop in the desert. David Hodges: That's what I kept telling them, and they tell me, "good excuse." (He shows the test results to SARA.) The white fibers found on the gun slide is tissue: The common nose-picking variety with gun oil residue. Sara: Are you saying that the gun was wiped down and the prints were planted? (Quick flashback to: Someone wipes down the gun before putting it in the dead woman's grip. End of flashback. Resume to present.) David Hodges: No, you're saying that. I don't get to say that. But somebody else could've pulled the trigger. (Camera holds on SARA'S surprised look.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - PRINT LAB -- DAY] (JACQUI FRANCO shares her findings with SARA.) Jacqui Franco: Manny Senteno's prints are all over the room, including the champagne bottle and one of the glasses. Sara: What about Patricia Fielding's? Jacqui Franco: Hotel room door, inside knob. And the murder weapon. Sara: That's it? (JACQUI nods.) Are you sure? (She turns and looks at SARA, surprised to even be asked that question.) Sara: I-I'm sorry. It just doesn't make any sense. The s*x kits came back negative, and now this. I mean, that room reeked of musk. Jacqui Franco: Well, maybe he swapped fluids with someone else. There was a third set of prints. I ran it through AFIS. Got a hit on a cop. Another one. Sara: Lydia Lopez, Bakersfield PD. That's the same division as Patricia Fielding's. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB - DAY] (CATHERINE fills GRISSOM in.) Catherine: Well, according to histology, Tim Coleman's muscle cells were hyper-hydrated, yet his body was dehydrated. Grissom: Well, that condition's normally associated with drug abuse. Catherine: Right. But apart from the furosemide, his tox was negative. So, I took another look at the guy. (CATHERINE puts the autopsy photos on the table in front of GRISSOM.) Catherine: Buff, cut, aggressive. Made me think steroids. Grissom: Kind of risky for a cop, considering they're subject to random drug tests. Catherine: Well, steroids are controlled, but creatine isn't. It's a legal way to bulk up. (She shows GRISSOM the test results.) Drugs Level Analyses Found Steroids Negative Creatine Positive Catherine: Tim Coleman was using it. Creatine pulls the potassium from the blood and moves it into the muscles. (Quick CGI POV to: The muscles thicken. Cut to: The runner sets up and prepares to run. End of quick CGI POV. Resume to present.) Grissom: Dehydrating the body in the process. Catherine: Exactly. And you add furosemide to it, and you get a severe electrolyte imbalance. Grissom: Leading to arrhythmia, and consequently cardiac arrest. (Quick flashback to: TIM COLEMAN runs his leg. His heart is beating too fast. He trips and falls. Quick CGI POV to: Close-up a beating heart. He struggles to get to his feet. Resume to present.) Grissom: So, what's our problem? Catherine: The dose. (GRISSOM grabs the test results.) There wasn't enough furosemide in the water to make that happen. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL/MOTEL ROOM #217 - HALLWAY -- DAY] (WARRICK and SARA head back to the hotel room.) Warrick: Lydia Lopez -- the girl next door. (SARA knocks on the door. There's no answer. She calls out.) Sara: CSI. Hello. (She knocks again.) Her division captain wants every professional courtesy extended to her. (SARA opens the door. The place is a mess.) Sara: Interesting. (He sees a high heeled shoe in a champagne glass. SARA puts her kit down.) Warrick: Yeah. Her clothes are still here. But I guess if you offed two people, you're not going to stick around to pack. (SARA opens the adjoining door and looks into the next room.) Sara: Adjoining door's open. Maybe they wanted it that way. Warrick: So, Manny and Lydia were boning. How does Patricia Fielding fit in? Sara: I don't know. Isn't the prevailing male fantasy two on one? Warrick: (scoffs) So, let's say three of them were going at it. How did two out of three end up dead? Sara: Well, if Lydia said no, and Manny went for it anyway ... (SARA snaps a photo. WARRICK picks up pieces of red lingerie on the bed.) Warrick: Well, someone was pissed. This is, like, a two- $300 la Perla Nightie, ripped to shreds. Sara: Oh, looks comfortable. Warrick: It's not designed to stay on that long. (SARA finds a ring on the bed sheet. She picks it up.) Sara: This is a man's wedding ring. (WARRICK holds out a bindle; she puts the ring inside.) Warrick: Yeah. (SARA'S phone rings. She checks her messages.) Warrick: Manny was wearing a ring. Was Lydia Lopez married? Sara: I'll ask her. She walked into LVPD ten minutes ago. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM] (LYDIA LOPEZ is interviewed by DET. VARTANN and SARA.) Lydia Lopez: My C.O. calls and tells me that Patty Fielding's been murdered, and you're about to broadcast a citywide for my twenty. What the hell's going on in this town? Det. Vartann: That's what we'd like to know. I hope you've got your story straight. Lydia Lopez: Didn't know I needed one. (SARA sits down.) Sara: Patricia Fielding was killed in the room adjoining yours. Lydia Lopez: Manny's room? Where's Manny? Sara: Manny's on a slab next to Patricia. (LYDIA'S shocked by this news. SARA glances over at DET. VARTAN; he nods to her to go ahead and ask her questions.) Sara: Look, we know that you and Manny were together. Lydia Lopez: Once a year for seven years running. Desert relay is our time together. Then we go back to our lives. Det. Vartann: That's sweet. What was Sergeant Fielding doing in your lover's room? Lydia Lopez: I don't know. Det. Vartann: You don't know. You know, I heard that Manny Senteno was a real player. Maybe he moved on, and you didn't like that. Lydia Lopez: Who told you that? Manny doesn't mess around. Sara: Except with you. Lydia Lopez: Yes. Sara: How could you know that if the only part you know is his body? Lydia Lopez: Pedestal's a little high, don't you think? Sara: Your best friend, your lover are dead. What do you expect me to think? Lydia Lopez: I don't know what happened. I do know that Manny loves his wife just like I love my husband. It's just an itch we scratched every twelve months. It doesn't mean anything. Sara: It meant enough to someone to trash your room. Lydia Lopez: Archie. Det. Vartann: Archie -- your husband. Lydia Lopez: Mm-hmm. Det. Vartann: Did he catch the two of you together? Lydia Lopez: No. He wasn't even supposed to be in Vegas. This is my time. And I heard he was looking for me. He must've got a key from the front desk. Probably took one look at the room and went ballistic. Did you see what he did to my teddy? That was Archie's gift to me. Det. Vartann: Hey, most husbands who buy lingerie expect that they're the ones who're going to be enjoying it. Lydia Lopez: I look good in it. Archie didn't do this. He couldn't. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - AUDIO/VISUAL LAB] (NICK and GREG are in the lab going back through the ATM video. The time on the video is 4:06. NICK goes through the statements.) Nick: The manager says Clyde Grimes took a break around three. That's consistent with bank records. Three hundred dollar withdraw to Clyde's account registered at 3:06. Greg: But the video shows him using Tim Coleman's card at 4:06. Nick: Yeah, one hour later. Greg: Well, maybe I'm not the only one who gets screwed up by daylight savings time. What if the ATM and the camera were out of synch? Nick: How? The camera's part of the ATM. Greg: Video is controlled by the branch office. ATM connects to the national network. Separate systems. If the clocks weren't synchronized ... Nick: Then the guy who used Tim Coleman's card should be on video one hour later. (NICK fast forwards through the video and finds another man in front of the ATM pulling out money. The time clock reads: 5:06.) (He continues to fast forward.) Nick: He's, uh, emptying the ATM. [SCENE_BREAK] [STATEMENT] (Camera pans down the list of names of the cash withdrawal statement.) First Monument Bank 32 Point View Las Vegas, NV 89102 ATM Transaction Record Location: Holyfield / Maryland (The list reads: List Customer Name Withdrawal 04:06 am / TIMOTHY COLEMAN / 300.00 04:07 am / RAHJEEM ROBINSON / 300.00 04:09 am / TYSON GREEN / 300.00 04:10 am / PAULINE DEARDEN / 300.00 04:11 am / KATHERINE DAZARON / 300.00 04:13 am / JESSICA DEAN / 300.00 04:14 am / NINA ELAM / 300.00 04:16 am / CHARLOTT MERIDIAN / 300.00 04:18 am / ETHAN KELSO / 300.00 04:19 am / CONNOR CRAWFORD / 300.00 04:21 am / PATRICIA LANG / 300.00 04:23 am / ALLISON SHERMAN / 300.00 04:25 am / LAWRENCE DEAN / 300.00 04:26 am / JULIA SWANSON / 300.00 04:27 am / DIANA SAPIEN / 300.00 04:29 am / KELLY ... (NICK studies the list.) (He picks up a second statement for the SUMMARY OF ATM USAGE.) CUSTOMER TIMOTHY COLEMAN 900 ALHAMBRA LOS ANGELES, CA 9002 (He notes: 04-26 / DEBIT LOCATION # 79461 SILVERLINE BRANCH NV 9:32 am (40.00) 04-27 / DEBIT LOCATION # 94286 HOLYFIELD / MARYLAND PKWY BRANCH NV 4:06 am (He puts that statement down and picks up a second SUMMARY OF ATM USAGE statement for: CUSTOMER RAHJEEM ROBINSON 311 SEPHILL RD TALLAHASSEE, FL 3230-- DEBIT LOCATION # 62230 MOUNTAIN VISTA BRANCH 3:11 pm (40.00) DEBIT LOCATION # 79461 SILVERLINE BRANCH NV 8:12 am (80.00) DEBIT LOCATION # 94286 HOLYFIELD / MARYLAND PKWY BRANCH NV 4:07 am (300.00) (He picks up the highlighter pen and starts marking the statements looking for a pattern. He highlights "SILVERLINE" on several statements.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. STREET - DAY] (Open on an ATM machine: FIRST MONUMENT BANK OF NEVADA SILVERLINE BRANCH HOW CAN I HELP YOU? PLEASE SELECT ENGLISH SPANISH (NICK approaches the machine and waits as a WOMAN stands in front of it using it. He puts his kit down on the sidewalk. He watches as the woman presses in the code.) (She takes her money. NICK puts on his latex gloves. He watches as she takes her receipt and walks away.) (NICK steps up to the ATM machine. He checks out the panel and notices the fake card slot. He uses a knife and removes it. On the fake card slot, there is an electronic card reader behind it.) (On the pamphlet holder, NICK finds a transmitter. He removes the transmitter. In the background, we hear a car engine starting and gunning. Tires screech as a red car takes off. NICK turns around to look.) (As the car speeds off, it smashes into the back end of an SUV. NICK runs over to help.) Nick: Hey, is everybody all right? (The DRIVER of the SUV gets out of his car. NICK runs over to stop any fight from happening.) Driver: Hey, you stupid jackass! Nick: I'm with the Vegas crime lab. (He peers into the open window.) Yo, yo, where's the fire, my man? (The driver of the red car has a bleeding cut on his forehead. NICK looks into the car and sees the fake credit car gear.) (He also sees the video receiver in the car. NICK holds up the video transmitter and smiles.) (The DRIVER groans.) Nick: Ha! No wonder you were in a hurry. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY -- DAY] (NICK interviews MR. DRAKE. His forehead cut is stitched up and tended to. An OFFICER stands nearby.) Nick: Well, Mr. Drake. I suppose this is one way to make eight years in an injection molding factory pay off. You're certainly good with plastics. (Quick flashback to: [ATM -- NIGHT] MR. DRAKE installs the fake card slot on the ATM machine. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (MR. DRAKE doesn't say anything.) (Quick flashback to: [ATM-NIGHT] Someone inserts an ATM card in the slot. Nick: (V.O.) It was a good scam. Your reader transmits the card number to you, and the camera records the sucker's pin number. (Camera shows a reflection of the lens in the transmitter of the user punching in their PIN number.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Mr. Drake: I should have used better transmitters. I wouldn't have had to stick so close. Nick: You raked in over $13,000 off 62 skimmed accounts. Mr. Drake: That was just the first two days. Nick: And I checked the bank records. All of the cards you stole belonged to cops. Mr. Drake: I know. You know, I'm facing multiple felony counts here. Comprehensive theft, card fraud. I'm going away for years. But when I got booked, they wrote me up for two moving violations. I hate cops. (NICK scoffs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY - DAY] (DET. VARTANN walks the hallway with WARRICK and fills him in along the way.) Det. Vartann: I picked up Lydia Lopez's husband at Cheetah's. He was groping the strippers. Classic drunk-and-disorderly. When I got there, the bouncer was just about to tune him up. Warrick: For what? Det. Vartann: Yakking on his suit. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HOLDING CELL - DAY] (DET. VARTANN and WARRICK interview ARCHIE LOPEZ.) Det. Vartann: Archie Lopez. Archie Lopez: So what? Warrick: Your prints were found in your wife's hotel room, including the doorknob to the adjoining room. Archie Lopez: Yeah. Det. Vartann: Patricia Fielding was killed in that room. So was Manny Senteno. Archie Lopez: Hmm. My heart bleeds. Warrick: Are you still drunk? (He laughs.) Archie Lopez: Yeah, I'm probably still drunk, yeah. Must have been the tequila. I don't drink that much. Warrick: Well, it takes a lot of drinking to forget a murder. I didn't kill anyone. (Quick flashback to: [HOTEL ROOM] ARCHIE LOPEZ opens the hotel room and sees the lingerie on the bed. He opens the adjoining room door and looks inside.) Archie Lopez: (V.O.) I wanted to surprise Lydia. Manager gave me a key. (He checks the baggage tag. He picks up her red lingerie and smells it. He tosses the flowers aisde and goes into a rage, tearing the lingerie.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Archie Lopez: And then I left. Det. Vartann: Where did you go? Archie Lopez: I went to the hotel bar. (Quick flashback to: [HOTEL BAR] ARCHIE LOPEZ turns and sees PATRICIA FEILDING.) Archie Lopez: (V.O.) That's where I saw Patty. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Archie Lopez: That woman's been to my house. She's eaten my food. She smiled in my face, all the time ... all the time knowing that Lydia was banging someone else. Warrick: So, where did you go then? Archie Lopez: I went somewhere else. I drank some more. I drank ... a lot, I guess. I don't ... I don't remember anything. Warrick: We're going to need your clothes. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB - DAY] (CATHERINE walks into the lab as GRISSOM looks through the scope.) Grissom: Tim Coleman drank from this bottle. What does this look like to you? (Scope view of food bits.) (Quick flash of: TIM COLEMAN drinks out of his waterbottle. Camera pushes in on the container to show the floaty bits of food. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: Backwash. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (Open on some autopsy photos. CATHERINE picks up the discarded protein bar wrapper. She sees the knife hole in the wrapper.) (Quick flashback to: Someone uses a knife and cuts a hole in the wrapper, picks up a huge-ole white pill and sticks it in the knife hole. He uses the knife and pushes the white pill into the candy bar then craftily pushes the foil back over the hole - to cover it, of course. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (CATHERINE fumes the protein bar wrapper. She finds a print.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE - DAY] (BRASS and CATHERINE interview LT. MENDEZ.) Mendez: You know, I don't appreciate being kept in the dark this long. Brass: We don't release details of our investigation until we're sure of our facts. Now we're sure. Catherine: Tim Coleman died of a drug-induced cardiac arrest. Mendez: If I'd known he was on drugs, he'd never have gotten into SES. Catherine: Actually, he was only on one drug. Creatine. You made it plural. You gave him a protein bar that was laced with furosemide. (Quick flashback to: [RACE NIGHT] LT MENDEZ walks up to TIM COLEMAN and gives him the candy bar.) Mendez: Hey, you got to keep up your strength. Don't make us look bad. (MENDEZ walks away. TIM COLEMAN opens the candy bar and starts eating it. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: The combination of the two drugs is what killed him. Mendez: I want my union rep. Brass: That's your right. Catherine: We're going to need to see your pocketknife. Brass: On the table, please. (MENDEZ hands the pocket knife over. CATHERINE puts one a pair of gloves and looks at the tip of the knife which still has some visible residue from the protein bar on it. She looks at MENDEZ.) Mendez: I said I want my union rep. We're done here. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB] (Close up of the label on an evidence pouch: Case #42-9624 Pouch 1 of 3 PERSONAL PROPERTY INVENTORY LOPEZ, ARCHIE City: Bakersfield Date of Birth: 02/14/67 1. Cell Phone 2. Key Chain 3. 3 keys 4. Leather Wallet 5. $35 cash 6. 2 show tickets- "Celine" 7. Luggage Tag "torn" M. LINDSAY T. MORGAN Date: 04/26/04 Time 21:25 Agency: LVPD Owner's Signature: {Archie Lopez} (WARRICK opens the bag and takes out the leather wallet, the tickets, the cell phone and luggage tag.) Name: MANNY SENTENO Address: 4246 G Drive Laughlin NV Telephone: 908-555-2641 (SARA pulls up various photos on the computer.) (WARRICK tests the items for GSR. Sara: Archie Lopez's clothes are negative for GSR and blood. Warrick: Ditto on his personal effects. But I know Archie was in Manny's room because he has Manny's luggage tag. Guy wants to find out who was sticking it to his wife. Sara: Is there an address and phone number on that? Warrick: Yeah. Sara: What do guys do when they're drunk, and they have a number burning a hole in their pocket? (WARRICK picks up the cell phone and dials. He counts the number of times it's been dialed on the phone.) Warrick: He called this number six times. CALL LENGTH CALLED NUMBER: 708 555 2641 DURATION: 12 minutes 35 sec. Warrick: The last call was twelve minutes. Sara: Maybe Archie found someone who can share his pain. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT] (SARA and DET. VARTANN interview MRS. SENTENO.) Sara: It must be very hard to hear that your husband's been cheating on you. (MRS. SENTENO glances from SARA to DET. VARTAN.) Mrs. Senteno: We've been through this. I didn't care about Manny's indiscretions. Sara: Even when you hear about it from the other woman's husband? Archie Lopez called you. Mrs. Senteno: So I talked to him on the phone. He was drunk. He was raving. I didn't understand half of what he said. Sara: I think you heard him loud and clear. You got in your car, and you tore ass to Vegas. Mrs. Senteno: I was in Laughlin with my son. Det. Vartann: Highway patrol caught you speeding on interstate 15. Southbound. Most cops won't issue tickets to fellow cops families. Professional courtesy. Sara: But your tag still gets logged. You were leaving Las Vegas before you even found out that your husband was dead. Mrs. Senteno: I don't understand what you're talking about. Sara: Yeah, you do. (Quick flashback to: [HOTEL ROOM] PATRICIA FIELDING is standing near the door when MRS. SENTENO rushes into the room. She sees her husband standing bare-chested near the bed. Mrs. Senteno: Oh, you b*st*rd! Manny Senteno: It's not what you think. (MRS. SENTENO grabs the gun off the dresser and shoots PATRICIA FIELDING.) Manny Senteno: Wait. Wait. (She turns and shoots her husband.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Mrs. Senteno: You can't prove that. Sara: Well, that's why we got a warrant to search your house. (She puts the DNA test results on the table to show that the test was a POSITIVE MATCH.) Sara: And we found Patricia Fielding's blood in the lining of your purse. From the tissue that you used to wipe the gun. (Quick flashback to: [HOTEL ROOM] MRS. SENTENO uses a tissue and wipes the gun down. She puts the gun in PATRICIA FEILDING'S hand.) (She tucks the used tissue into her purse.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Mrs. Senteno: She was nothing. He jeopardized our family for that? Det. Vartann: Not for her. Sara: Patricia wasn't the one having the affair with your husband. Mrs. Senteno: Oh. (sniffs) I caught her with him. She answered the door like she belonged there. Sara: Mrs. Senteno, you killed the wrong woman. (Quick flashback to: [HOTEL ROOM] ) Manny Senteno: (o.s.) Wendy, it's not what you think. (She fires at PATRICIA FIELDING. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (Camera holds on MRS. SENTENO'S shocked face.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HOLDING CELL - NIGHT] (GRISSOM walks up to MENDEZ' cell.) Mendez: Where's your kit? Grissom: Actually, we have all the evidence we need. Mendez: Then what the hell are you doing here? Grissom: I have a question. Off the record. Mendez: I wasn't trying to kill him. Grissom: Then why did you do this? Mendez: Leg 16 was mine. I ran it eight years in a row. I won every time. Then the bosses transfer in that kid, kick me upstairs, and give him my race. No way I was going to let him do better than me. Grissom: Sooner or later, everybody gets replaced. Mendez: Talk to me when it happens to you. FADE TO BLACK

Plan: A: Grissom; Q: Who is the first CSI to investigate the death of a runner? A: Warrick; Q: Who is Sara's partner in the investigation? A: a couple; Q: How many people were found dead in the hotel room? A: a murder-suicide; Q: What was the initial thought of the death of the couple in the hotel room? A: more than 20.000 attendants; Q: How many people attended the competition? A: cops; Q: What is the occupation of the people attending the competition? A: the investigations; Q: What takes an interesting turn? Summary: Grissom, Catherine and Nick investigate the death of a runner during a competition. Meanwhile Sara and Warrick investigate the death of a couple in a hotel room, initially thought to be a murder-suicide. Both cases take place during this 'cop' competition, with more than 20.000 attendants (all of them cops). This gives the investigations an interesting turn, as almost all the suspects and all dead people are cops.

Michael: Dunder Mifflin is about to be sold. But first an investment banker has to drop by and sign off on our branch. And... I'm... pretty nervous about it. And... I'm... making some cosmetic tweaks to help create a more appealing environment. Is that dishonest? Well, think of it this way[/b]: when you look in the mirror and you see your push-up bra and your fake eyelashes and your make-up and your press-on nails; the principles that I am applying to the office are the same ones that have made Lady Gaga a star... or any number of drag queens. [SCENE_BREAK] Eric: Hi - Computron: [Dwight using a robotic voice over the PA system] Hello, Eric Ward. Welcome to Dunder Mifflin. I am Computron, your answer to everything. Eric: Hello. Michael: [entering on a Segway Scooter] I see you've met Computron, our virtual helper. I'm Michael Scott. Welcome. Welcome. Computron is just one of the many modern devices that I have incorporated into the office. Watch this. Computron? Computron: Yes. Michael: What is the world's largest ocean? Computron: Calculating. Calculating. Pacific! Michael: Pacific Ocean. Pretty cool, huh? Andy: Great news, Michael. We're now the official paper supplier of the NFL. Michael: That is fantastic. It's good, but it's not good enough. Keep working. And here's Pam. She's our international sales consultant. Pam: Hello. Computron: The NFL celebrated its 50th anniversary in 1972. Pam: Hola. Bonjour. Ni Hao. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: It might seem crazy, but since there's no one left in New York, Michael is Dunder Mifflin's highest ranking employee. So, that's where we are. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hello, Stanley. Fake Stanley: Hi. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: For the record? Not on board with fake Stanley... although, I get it. [SCENE_BREAK] Eric: Uh, I just need to check out your warehouse and then talk to your HR guy. That is pretty much the only reason I'm here. Michael: Ok. Well, I thought I'd show you around a little bit - Eric: Right. Michael: - since you made the trip out. And I got us reservations at Cooper's Seafood. You like lobster? You've had lobster before, right? Eric: Yeah. Michael: They make the best Maine lobster in the world. You'll love it. Computron: Mul Yam in Tel Aviv is better. Michael: No, Computron, actually I think Cooper's is the best. You're gonna love it. Computron: Are you calling me wrong? Michael: [sighs] Oh, my God. [SCENE_BREAK] Eric: It's called 'due diligence'. Basically, I confirm inventory, take a head count, see if there are any HR liabilities. I'm a glorified fact checker. Actually, I am a fact checker. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Alright. Excuse me. [slides past Eric to close the door to Ryan's closet office before Eric can see Ryan in there] If you will - Ryan: Michael, do you think I could get a space heater - Michael: - follow me this way. I'll introduce you to the crack HR rep that you requested. I give you Toby Flenderson. Have fun, you two. [Toby's chair spins around to reveal Dwight filling in for Toby] Dwight: Oh, we will. Have a seat. [Michael gives a pleased look then exits] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I left a copy of Best American Mystery Stories 1999 in Toby's favorite stall. So, yes, I think I bought us some time. [SCENE_BREAK] Eric: So, um, the manager, Michael Scott... is a bit of a character. Dwight: He has more character in a single flake of his dandruff then you have in that entire snow bank on your shoulder. Wait, what was the question? Toby: What are, are you doing at my desk? Dwight: Ignore him. He's the local lunatic. Toby: Come on, Dwight. Get out of here. Dwight: Dwight? Who is this Dwight? Oh! You mean Dwight Schrute, the company's top salesman and the creator of Computron. I wear many hats but the one I'm currently wearing is that of gracious host. [laughs] Welcome. [Dwight exits] Toby: Sorry. Hey, Toby Flenderson. Nice to meet you. How can I help? Eric: Um, are there any outstanding liability issues to be aware of? Toby: What do you mean? Eric: Well, safety issues, injuries that could leave the company open to potential lawsuits. Toby: Um... nothing comes to mind. [clip montage] [SCENE_BREAK] Eric: So, the staff? Toby: Mm-hmm. Eric: Are people generally happy? Toby: [laughing] Happy's a funny word. Eric: In what way? Toby: You know, uh, what does it mean to be happy. [shakes head] Keep philosophers busy for awhile. Eric: So... generally? Toby: Yes. Eric: Generally. Toby: Generally happy. [clip montage] Eric: [whispering] Generally happy. [SCENE_BREAK] Eric: What about non-safety issues, in terms of liability? Sexual harassment. Anything like that? Toby: Oh, I don't know. Eric: You, you don't know. Toby: I don't know. Eric: You're the head of Human Resources. Toby: I don't know. No. Eric: Ok. [clip montage] [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I don't want to lie and I DON'T want to tell the truth. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey, Tobes. Whatcha doin'? Whatcha guys talkin' about? Toby: Well, Eric's just going over some stuff. Michael: Stuff. I love stuff. Toby: It's, uh, it's HR stuff. Michael: HR stuff? [pulls up a chair] HR Pufnstuf. Right up my alley. [pointing to Eric's notes] What is that? What kind of stuff is that? Eric: It's uh, it's a company evaluation form. Michael: Ah. Eric: Talkin' bout, uh - Michael: Talkin' bout, uh, what? Eric: Waste is next. Michael: Waste? What does that even mean? Like garbage? Eric: No, waste of time and resources. Michael: Oh, time and resources. Toby: Look, you know, in any company there's going to be certain degrees - Michael: No. No. No. No. No. No. Respectfully, Toby, no. No. This company does not waste time or resources, ever. [clip montage] [SCENE_BREAK] Eric: Is anyone near retirement age? [Michael and Toby look at each other - Creed clip montage] [SCENE_BREAK] Eric: [on the phone] Hey, uh, yeah, I finally got a chance to sit down with HR. So... well, I think I'm gonna be here for awhile. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: This is a building where friends become lovers and lovers become sexually interactive. [to Toby] Right? Would you agree with that? Toby: Michael, this is really inappropriate to talk about. Michael: That's, that is true. [clip montage] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [as Eric is being escorted out by Michael and Toby] Thank you, so much. Kevin: Thank you. Angela: Thank you. Eric: Thank you. It's nice to meet you all. Pam: Good to meet you. Angela: Have a great day. Dwight: Hope to see you soon. Kevin: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I feel very sorry for that banker because he has to evaluate what we are worth. He has to decide what we are capable of and how do you do that? What is Jim capable of... or Pam... or Kevin? [clip montage over Daryl's Dunder Mifflin jingle] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I don't care if he goes and files a report and says that we're nothing special because I think our future is very bright. We have only just begun. Computron: Computron experiencing emotion. Michael: Computron, I'm gonna pull your plug. Ok? Buddy? Computron: Ok. Michael: Just - sh - Computron: [after a pause] Please don't. Computron - Michael: Shut - Computron: wants to live. Michael: Shut up. Shut up. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [extended Lazy Scranton video] Sittin' in my office with a plate of grilled bacon. Called my man, Dwight, just to see what was shakin'. Dwight: Yo, Mike, our town is dope and pretty. Michael: So check out how we live Both: in the Electric City! Michael: They call it Scranton! Dwight: What? Michael: The Electric City. Scranton! Dwight: What? Michael: The Electric City. Lazy Scranton, the Electric City. They call it that 'cause of the electricity. The city's laid out from East to West and our public parks are libraries are truly the best. Call poison control if you're bitten by a spider. Dwight: But check that it's covered by your Both: Healthcare Provider! Michael: Plenty of space in the parking lot. Dwight: But the little cars go in the compact spot! Both: Spot. Spot. Spot. Spot. Spot. Michael: Snack attack time. Dwight: Don't lose your head. Michael: We like Cugino's Both: for the tasty bread. Michael: They call it Scranton! Dwight: What? Michael: The Electric City. Scranton! Dwight: What? Michael: The Electric City. Scranton! Dwight: What? Michael: The Electric City. Scranton! Dwight: What? Michael: The Electric City. Scranton! Dwight: [pause] What? Michael: Ugh.

Plan: A: an investment banker; Q: What type of person comes to Scranton to sign off on the branch? A: Dunder Mifflin; Q: What is the name of the company that is being sold? A: their high profile contacts; Q: What do Michael, Dwight, Andy and Pam hope to impress the investment banker with? A: Toby; Q: Who reminisces about the great times in the office? Summary: When an investment banker comes to Scranton in order to sign off on the branch before the sale of Dunder Mifflin. Michael, Dwight, Andy and Pam pull out all the stops in hopes of impressing him with their high profile contacts. Toby reminisces about all the great times they have had in the office.

Scene: The apartment, the living room. Howard: Watch this, it's really cool. Call Leonard Hofstadter. Howard's phone: Did you say, call Helen Boxleitner? Howard: No. Call Leonard Hofstadter. Howard's phone: Did you say, call Temple Beth Sader. Howard: No. Leonard: Here, let me try. Call McFlono McFloonyloo. Heh-heh. Howard's phone: Calling Rajesh Koothrappali. (Raj's phone rings). Raj: Oh, that's very impressive. And a little racist. Sheldon: If we're all through playing mock the flawed technology, can we get on with Halo night, we were supposed to start at eight, it is now 8:06. Leonard: So? We'll start now. Sheldon: Yes, first we have to decide if those lost six minutes will be coming out of game time, bathroom time or the pizza break. Raj: We can split it two, two and two. Howard: If we're having anchovies on the pizza we can't take it out of bathroom time. (There is a knock on the door.) Sheldon: Oh, what fresh hell is this? Leonard (opening door): Hey Penny, come on in. Penny: Hey guys. Howard: See a Penny, pick her up, and all the day you'll have good luck. Penny: No you won't. Uh, can I hide out here for a while. Leonard: Sure. What's going on. Penny: Well, there's this girl I know from back in Nebraska, Christie, well anyway she called me up and she's like "Hey, how's California," and I'm like "Awesome" 'cos, you know, it's not Nebraska, and the next thing I know she's invited herself out here to stay with me. Sheldon: 8:08. Penny: Anyway, she got here today, and she's just been in my apartment, yakkety-yakking about every guy she's slept with in Omaha, which is basically every guy in Omaha, and washing the sluttiest collection of underwear you have ever seen in my bathroom sink. Howard: Well, is she doing it one thong at a time, or does she just throw it all in, like some sort of erotic bouillabaisse. Penny: He really needs to dial it down. Leonard: So, if you don't like this Christie, why are you letting her stay? Penny: Well, she was engaged to my cousin while she was sleeping with my brother, so she's kind of family. Sheldon: You know, I apologise for my earlier outburst, who needs Halo when we can be regaled with the delightfully folksy tale of the whore of Omaha? Leonard: Oh, I don't think she's a whore. Penny: No, yeah she's definitely a whore. I mean, she has absolutely no standards, this one time, she was at... where's Howard? Howard (voice off): Bonjour mademoiselle, I understand you're new in town. Sheldon: Oh good grief. Credit Sequence Scene: Penny, Sheldon, Raj and Leonard stand in the apartment doorway. Romantic music plays from Penny's apartment door. Penny: Ugh, I cannot believe Christie let Howard into my apartment. Sheldon: And I cannot believe people pay for horoscopes, but on a more serious note it's 8:13 and we're still not playing Halo. Leonard: Okay, fine, we'll just play one on one until he gets back. Sheldon: One on one? We don't play one on one, we play teams, not one on one. One on one! Leonard: Well the only way we can play teams at this point is if we cut Raj in half. Raj: Oh, sure, cut the foreigner in half, there's a billion more where he came from. Penny: Hey, if you guys need a fourth, I'll play. Leonard: Great idea. Sheldon: Uh, no. The wheel was a great idea. Relativity was a great idea. This is a notion, and a rather sucky one at that. Penny: Why? Sheldon: Why? Oh, Penny, Penny, Penny. Penny: Oh, what, what, what? Sheldon: This is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve, there are myriad weapons, vehicles and strategies to master, not to mention an extremely intricate back-story. Penny (picking up a controller, there is the sound of an explosion from the television): Oh cool, whose head did I just blow off? Sheldon: Mine. Penny: Okay, I got this, lock and load boys. Leonard: It's the only way we can play teams. Sheldon: Yes, but whoever's her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience and not to mention that fact that sh.... (another explosion) Penny: Ha-ha, there goes your head again. Sheldon: Okay, this isn't at all good sportsmanship to shoot somebody who's just respawned, you need to give them a chance to (explosion) now come on! Time shift Sheldon: Raj, Raj, she's got me cornered, cover me. Penny: Cover this, suckers. Ha-ha-ha! Leonard: Penny, you are on fire. Penny: Yeah, so is Sheldon. Sheldon: Okay, that's it, I don't know how, but she is cheating. No-one can be that attractive and be this skilled at a video game. Penny: Wait, wait, Sheldon, come back, you forgot something. Sheldon: What? Penny: This plasma grenade. (Explosion.) Ha! Look, it's raining you! Sheldon: You laugh now, you just wait until you need tech support. Penny: Gosh, he's kind of a sore loser, isn't he? Leonard: Well, to be fair, he is also a rather unpleasant winner. Penny: Well, it's been fun. Leonard: You know, Penny, we make such a good team, maybe we could enter a couple of Halo tournaments sometime. Penny: Or we could just have a life. Leonard: I guess for you that's an option. Penny: Good night, Leonard. Leonard: Good night. Penny: As usual, nice talking to you Raj (leaves.) Raj: What do you suppose she meant by that? Leonard: She's an enigma, Raj. Sheldon: And another thing, there's a certain ethic to the game, Penny, a well estab... Leonard: She's gone, Sheldon. Sheldon: Well she could have said goodbye. Penny (entering again): Okay, I have a problem. Sheldon: It's called carpal tunnel syndrome, and quite frankly you deserve it. Leonard: What's wrong? Penny: Um, well, Howard and Christie are... kind of... hooking up in my bedroom. Leonard: Are you sure? Penny: Look, I grew up on a farm, okay, from what I heard they're either having s*x or Howard's caught in a milking machine. Do you mind if I stay here tonight? Leonard: No, take the couch, or my bed, I just got new pillows, hypo-allergenics. Penny: Uh, the couch is good. Sheldon: Hold that thought, Leonard, a moment. Leonard: Let me guess, you have a problem with this. Sheldon: Where do I begin? Leonard: It's up to you, crazy person's choice. Sheldon: Well first, we don't have house guests, frankly if I could afford the rent I'd ask you to leave. Leonard: Your friendship means a lot to me as well, what else? Sheldon: Well, our earthquake supplies, we have a two day, two man kit. Leonard: So? Sheldon: So, if there is an earthquake and the three of us are trapped here, we could be out of food by tomorrow afternoon. Leonard: I'm sorry, are you suggesting that if we let Penny stay we might succumb to cannibalism? Sheldon: No-one ever thinks it will happen until it does. Leonard: Penny, if you promise not to chew the flesh off our bones while we sleep, you can stay. Penny: Hu.. what? Sheldon: He's engaging in reductio-ad-absurdum. It's the logical fallacy of extending someone's argument to ridiculous proportions and then criticising the result, and I do not appreciate it. Leonard: I'll get you a blanket and a pillow. Sheldon: Okay, well since I'm obviously being ignored here, let's go over the morning schedule, I use the bathroom from 7 to 7:20, plan your ablutions and bodily functions accordingly. Penny: How am I supposed to plan my bodily functions? Sheldon: I suggest no liquids after 11pm. Leonard: Here you go. Penny: Thanks Leonard. (Arranges pillows on left of couch.) Sheldon: Hmmph, wrong. Penny: I'm listening. Sheldon: Your head goes on the other end. Penny: Why? Sheldon: It's culturally universal, a bed, even a temporary bed, is always oriented with the headboard away from the door. It serves the ancient imperative of protecting oneself against marauders. Penny: I'll risk it. Sheldon: Hm! Penny: Anything else I should know. Sheldon: Yes. If you use my toothbrush I'll jump out that window. Please don't come to my funeral. Have a good night. Leonard: Sorry about that. Penny: That's okay. Leonard: FYI, his toothbrush is the red one in the plexiglass case under the UV light. Penny: Got it. Leonard: Well, sleep tight. Penny: Thanks. Leonard: Funny expression, sleep tight. It refers to the early construction of beds which featured a mattress suspended on interlocking ropes which would occasionally... sleep tight. (Penny turns off light and lies down on couch. Across the room, Raj is still in the kitchen, eating a sandwich. Realising everyone has forgotten about him, he quietly lets himself out. Penny hears the door close, looks worried, then moves her head to the other end of the couch.) Scene: The following morning. Sheldon is in the kitchen making breakfast. He crosses to the couch, sees Penny sleeping there, looks lost. He is about to sit down on Penny when Leonard enters. Leonard: What are you doing? Sheldon: Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter cup of 2% milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America and watched Doctor Who. Leonard: Penny's still sleeping. Sheldon: Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal.... Leonard: I know, I know, look, you have a TV in your room, why don't you just have breakfast in bed? Sheldon: Because I am neither an invalid nor a woman celebrating Mother's Day. Penny: Uh, what time is it? Leonard: Almost 6:30. Penny: I slept all day? Leonard: Oh, no, it's 6:30 in the morning. Penny: What the hell is your problem? Sheldon: Okay, this cereal has lost all its molecular integrity, I now have a bowl of shredded wheat paste. Howard (entering): Ola, nerd-migos. Penny: Why do you people hate sleep? Are you wearing my robe? Howard: Oh, yeah, sorry, I'll have it cleaned. Penny: That's okay, keep it. Where's Christie. Howard: In the shower. Oh, by the way, where did you get that loofah mitt, yours reaches places that mine just won't. Penny: Y-you used my loofah? Howard: More precisely we used your loofah. I exfoliated her brains out! Penny: You can keep that too. Howard: Ah, well then we'll probably need to talk about your stuffed bear collection. Christie (voice off): Howard? Howard: In here my lady. Christie (entering): Mmmm, there's my little engine that could. Howard: chka-chka-chka-chka-chka-chka-chka (they kiss). Sheldon: Well there's one beloved children's book I'll never read again. Christie: Hi, Christie. Leonard: Leonard. Sheldon: I'm Sheldon. Christie: Right, you're Howard's entourage. Penny: Uh, so Christie, what are your plans? Christie: Oh, well, Howard said he'd take me shopping in Beverley Hills. Penny: Yeah, no, I meant plans to find some place to live. Other than with me, not that I don't love having you, but it's... a little crowded. Leonard: Penny, you're always welcome to stay with us. Sheldon: Oh, terrific, now we're running a cute little B&B. Howard: Let me offer a little outside the box thinking here, why doesn't Christie stay with me. Leonard: For one thing you live with your mother. Howard: I do not, my mother lives with me. Sheldon: Well then, it's all settled, Christie will stay with Howard, Penny can go back to her apartment, and I'll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this point it's more like Doctor Why Bother. Leonard: Sheldon you just can't dictate... Sheldon: No more talking, everybody go. Howard: So, what do you say, you wanna repair to Castle Wolowitz? Christie: What is that, like a Mexican deli? Howard: I'm sorry, I should have mentioned this earlier, my last name is Wolowitz. Christie: Oh, that's so cool. My first Jew! Sheldon: I imagine there aren't many kosher corn-huskers. Christie: But you're still taking me shopping, right? Howard: Anything you want. Christie: Okay, I'll go pack my stuff. Howard: When they perfect human cloning I'm going to order twelve of those. Leonard: Howard, can't you see she's using you? Howard: Who cares, last night she pulled off her blouse and I wept! Penny: Look, Howard, I know her, okay, she'll have s*x with anyone as long as they keep buying her things. Howard: Really? Penny: Yeah. Howard: Yay! If you'll excuse me, I have some Bar-Mizvah bonds to cash. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: A Chinese restaurant. Sheldon: I'm sorry, we cannot do this without Wolowitz. Leonard: We can't order Chinese food without Wolowitz? Sheldon: Let me walk you through it, our standard is, the steamed dumpling appetizer, General So's chicken, beef with broccoli, shrimp with lobster sauce and vegetable lo-main. Do you see the problem? Leonard: I see a problem. Sheldon: Our entire order is predicated on four dumplings and four entrees divided among four people. Leonard: So, we'll just order three entrees. Sheldon: Fine, what do you want to eliminate, and who gets the extra dumpling. Raj: We could cut it into thirds. Sheldon: Then it is no longer a dumpling, once you cut it open it is at best a very small open faced sandwich. Waiter: Hi fellas. Oh, where's your annoying little friend who thinks he speaks Mandarin? Sheldon: He's putting his needs ahead of the collective good. (Pointing at waiter) Where he comes from, that's punishable by death. Waiter: I come from Sacramento. Leonard: Can we get an order of dumplings, but with three instead of four. Waiter: No substitutions. Leonard: This isn't a substitution, it's a reduction. Waiter: Okay, no reductions. Leonard: Fine, bring us three orders of dumplings, that's twelve, we'll each have four. Raj: That works. Sheldon: No, if we fill up on dumplings we'll need to eliminate another entree. Waiter: No eliminations. Leonard: If we have extra, we'll just take the leftovers home. Sheldon: And divide it how, I'm telling you we cannot do this without Wolowitz. Leonard: Wolowitz is with his new girlfriend, if you had let me invite Penny then you would have had your fourth. Sheldon: Have you seen Penny eat Chinese food, she uses a fork, and she double dips her egg rolls. Leonard: We don't order egg rolls. Sheldon: Exactly, but we'd have to if she was here. Raj: Can we please make a decision, not only are there children starving in India, there's an Indian starving right here. Leonard: Here's an idea, why don't we just go out for Indian food. Sheldon: No. Raj: Uurgh. Waiter: You are nice boys. Tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to bring you the four dumplings. When I'm walking over to the table, maybe I get bumped, one of the dumplings falls to the floor, no-one has to know. Sheldon: I'll know. Waiter: (wanders away cursing in Mandarin.) Raj: How about soup? Leonard: Yeah, we can always divide soup. Sheldon: What about the won-tons? Scene: Outside Penny's door. Leonard knocks. Penny (answering): Oh, hey guys, what's up? Sheldon: It's Halo night. Penny: Yeah. Okay. So? Leonard: Well, with Wolowitz spending all of his time with your friend Christie, Penny: She's not my friend. Friends do not get their friends care bears all sweaty. Leonard: Right, anyway, uh, with Wolowitz occupied elsewhere, we had something we wanted to ask you. Sheldon? Sheldon: Yes. Penny, we would very much appreciate it if you would be the fourth member of our Halo team. I don't think I need to tell you what an honour this is. Penny: Oh, that's so sweet. But I'm going out dancing with a girlfriend. Sheldon: You can't go out, it's Halo night. Penny: Well, for Penny it's dancing night. Sheldon: You go dancing every Wednesday. Penny: No. Sheldon: Then it's not dancing night. Penny: Look, why don't I play with you guys tomorrow? Sheldon: Tonight is Halo night, it's like talking to a wall. Penny: Alright, now Sheldon, you and I are about to have a problem. Leonard: Sheldon, remember, we role-played this. Sheldon: Yes, but you didn't portray her as completely irrational. Penny: Alright fellas, I gotta go. Good luck. Leonard: Maybe we should have asked if we could go dancing with her and her girlfriend. Sheldon: Okay, assuming we could dance, which we can't, there are three of us and two of them. Leonard: So? Sheldon: It's the Chinese restaurant all over again. I assure you that cutting a dumpling in thirds is child's play compared with three men, each attempting to dance with 67% of a woman. Leonard: Aaah, for God's sake, Sheldon, you are driving me crazy. Sheldon: Your anger's not with me, sir, but with basic mathematics. Leonard: No, I'm pretty sure my anger's with you. Raj: What's happening to us? We're falling apart. Leonard: Who are you calling? Sheldon: The only man who can restore any semblance of balance to our universe. Howard (voice): Hi this is Howard Wolowitz. Christie (voice): And this is Christie Van Der Bell. Howard (voice): We can't get to the phone right now because we're having s*x. Christie (voice): You're not going to put that on your message are you? Howard (voice): No, I'm just kidding, I'll re-record it. (beep) Scene: Outside Howard's house. Leonard: Sheldon, think this through, you're going to ask Howard to choose between s*x and Halo. Sheldon: No, I'm going to ask him to choose between s*x and Halo 3. As far as I know, s*x has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapon systems. Leonard: You're right, all s*x has is nudity, orgasms and human contact. Sheldon: My point. Christie (voice from within): I'm just saying, you can take the damned plastic off the couch once in a while. Howard's Mother (voice): Why, so you and Howard can hump on it? Howard (voice): Ladies, ladies, I'm sure there's a middle ground. Christie and Howard's Mother together: Shut up Howard. Howard (voice): You girl's talk, I'm going to take my scooter out for a little spin. Christie (voice as Howard emerges through door): Are you happy, you drove your own son out of the house. Howard's Mother (voice): Why don't you stop butting in where you don't belong. Howard: What are you guys doing here? Sheldon: It's Halo night. Howard's Mother (voice): He's not a man, he's a putz, and don't you take that tone with me, you gold digger. Christie (voice): What did you call me? Howard's Mother (voice): You heard me, and I'll tell you something else, you're barking up the wrong tree, cos as long as you're around, Howard is out of the will. Christie: (voice): You know what, I got better offers, I'm out of here. Howard's Mother (voice): That's right, go back to Babylon, you whore. Howard: So, Halo night, huh? Raj: I thought she was the whore of Omaha? Sheldon: Shhh! Scene: The apartment, Halo night. Howard: Sheldon, you got him in your sights, fire, he's charging his plasma rifle. Sheldon: I can't shoot now, I'm cloaking. Leonard: Now, Raj, kill Sheldon. Raj: I can't see him. Sheldon: That's why the call it cloaking, dead man. Leonard: Well then start throwing grenades. Raj: I'm all out. Penny (entering with three other sexy women): Hi guys, my friends and I got tired of dancing, so we came over to have s*x with you. Leonard: That will do, Raj, straight for the tank. Sheldon: We said no tanks. Raj: There are no rules in hell! Howard: Son of a bitch, medpack, I need a medpack! Penny: Told yah! (They leave). Leonard: There's a sniper, use your rocket launcher. Raj: All I've got is a needler, and I'm all out of ammo. Sheldon: And now you're out of life. Why did you hit pause? Leonard: I thought I heard something. Raj: What? Leonard: No, never mind, alright, go.

Plan: A: Penny's promiscuous acquaintance Christy; Q: Who is Penny's promiscuous acquaintance? A: Penny's brother; Q: Who did Christy sleep with? A: her cousin; Q: Who was Christy engaged to? A: Penny's apartment; Q: Where does Christy sleep with Howard? A: a Halo 3 player and displays natural talent; Q: What does Penny become after Howard? A: Sheldon's disbelief; Q: What is Sheldon's reaction to Penny's Halo skills? A: Leonard and Sheldon's couch; Q: Where does Penny sleep? A: his mother; Q: Who does Howard live with? A: Distraught; Q: How does Penny feel about the odd number in the group? A: Sheldon invites Penny; Q: Who does Sheldon invite to play Halo? A: their group; Q: What do the guys believe is falling apart? A: three; Q: How many attractive dancing friends does Penny have? Summary: Penny's promiscuous acquaintance Christy from Omaha, Nebraska, "kind of family" since she slept with Penny's brother whilst engaged to her cousin, arrives to visit Penny indefinitely, and immediately beds Howard in Penny's apartment which the pair take over. Penny replaces Howard as a Halo 3 player and displays natural talent, to Sheldon's disbelief. To avoid the noisy "lovers", Penny sleeps on Leonard and Sheldon's couch that night. Next day, Howard invites Christy to move in with him (and his mother), taking up all his time. Distraught at the odd number in the group, Sheldon invites Penny to play Halo again, but she prefers to go dancing. The guys believe their group is falling apart and go to speak to Howard. There they hear Howard's mother arguing loudly with Christy, causing her to leave. Howard, single again, goes to play Halo with the guys, and the group is restored, completely ignoring Penny and her three attractive dancing friends who briefly appear at the door.

L[O]S ANGELES - CA - USA (pushthrough) Vaughn and Weiss jogging in Central Park VAUGHN: Lauren's parents have been married for 34 years, and they still love being together. I had one day off this month, and I spent it playing hockey at the rink with high school kids. WEISS: That must be fun. VAUGHN: If I need it, can I crash on your couch? WEISS: Yeah, you just have to wipe off the cheese nips. WEISS: Hey, I'm sorry. Vaughn's phone rings. VAUGHN: (cell) Hello? [SCENE_BREAK] Rotunda - Los Angeles - CA - US VAUGHN: I may have a lead on Lot 45, not where it is, but a map that'll lead us to the key that opens it. SYDNEY: Project Blackhole has had the Rambaldi Box for two years and hasn't been able to do that without destroying it. LAUREN: Without the key, the Covenant probably won't be able to either. VAUGHN: That's why we have to get it first. I'm getting the intel from an asset in Mexico City. DIXON: The plane's waiting on you at Dover. SYDNEY: I'd like to go with him. LAUREN: Is that a good idea? Sloane was clear. Whatever's inside the box presents a significant personal threat to you. SYDNEY: Sloane could be lying. Even if he's not, the box has one inscription on it: Irena. I need to find out why. DIXON: You'll report to me as soon as you get back from Mexico City. Sydney and Vaughn leave. DIXON: Lauren. Your father has ordered an official inquiry into the disappearance of the box from project Blackhole. LAUREN: I've already been questioned about what I know, which is nothing. DIXON: I appreciate that. LAUREN: Not at all. You know where my loyalties lie. [SCENE_BREAK] ME[X]ICO CITY / Mexico (pushthrough) [SCENE_BREAK] Sydney and Vaughn are meeting with Kishell, the guy the Snowman butchered, last seen in Season 1's The Snowman. KISHELL: The box you lost has not been opened since the time of Rambaldi. Though there is a legend Joseph Stalin made the greatest effort. SYDNEY: Stalin knew about Rambaldi? KISHELL: He too was a believer. The Rambaldi box is of particular interest because it was rumored to contain the strain of a plague-like bio-weapon capable of killing millions. Stalin obtained the box, but the key to opening it eluded him. This story is filmed with narration (the following three lines). KISHELL: He sent teams of archeologists around the globe in search of the key. As legend has it, in 1941 a discovery was made in the Karoo desert. What they found was a map made of crystal. The etchings in the crystal were a guide to the key that opened the box. KISHELL: Unfortunately, obsessed with gaining sole credit for the discovery, the archeologists turned on one another... KISHELL: ...and the map, along with the two men, were reclaimed by the desert, never to be heard from again. Until now. KISHELL: I received this two days ago from a contact in South Africa. SYDNEY: Bomani. VAUGHN: Where are they? KISHELL: The Karoo desert. My contact surveilled Mr. Bomani with a hidden camera as he discovered the bodies of the men and the map. VAUGHN: That's the map? KISHELL: There are etchings in the crystal, a route of some kind. SYDNEY: This bio-weapon, what do you know about it? KISHELL: Only that the Covenant refers to it as the "passenger". VAUGHN: Where is your contact now? Can we speak with him? KISHELL: I'm afraid not. Bomani discovered that he was being surveilled. There are pictures of Omnifam trucks. VAUGHN: Son of a b****. You see those trucks? SYDNEY: Omnifam. [SCENE_BREAK] Prison - Rotunda - Los Angeles - CA SYDNEY: Explain this to me, Kazari Bomani using your trucks to do the Covenant's work. SLOANE: I entered into a relationship with Bomani at the insistence of the CIA. You forced me to partner with him so I could stay close to the Covenant. SYDNEY: Your job was to provide us with intel, not offer material support to the Covenant in their search for the passenger. SLOANE: In order to maintain my cover, I had to grant Bomani access to certain Omnifam resources. Check the report, Sydney. I detailed all of this. SYDNEY: You're here because you committed treason by spying on your country. I won't put much stock in your reports. SLOANE: I'm not the mole you're looking for. Ha ha. Star Wars Episode 4 reference. SYDNEY: You know what will happen if your pardon agreement is revoked. The death penalty that was commuted when you entered into it will be reinstated. SLOANE: Well then I will die knowing that I have honored my agreement to the letter. SYDNEY: Where's Bomani? SLOANE: I have no idea, but in exchange for certain creature comforts... when I was falsely accused, I was reading the Iliad in the original Greek. Note: Homer's Iliad is the first story of the fall of Troy. The two typically recommended translations are Lattimore and Fagles, the latter being a bit more common these days. SYDNEY: I'm listening. SLOANE: All Omnifam trucks are equipped with Global Positioning System transponders. If I give you the corresponding codes, you can track Bomani's movements via satellite. SLOANE: Ah, you have such a beautiful smile, Sydney. I miss it. SYDNEY: If you're executed, I'll be a witness. I'll smile then. [SCENE_BREAK] Restaurant - Los Angeles - CA - US Lauren and Vaughn are having dinner. LAUREN: So how was your trip? VAUGHN: It was good. LAUREN: Well, what happened? VAUGHN: You know, we uh, got what we needed to get, and we're just waiting to see if it pans out. LAUREN: Michael, I got you something while you were gone. Open it. He opens it. It's his father's watch. LAUREN: I realized I forgot the anniversary of your father's death, and I felt terrible, and I wanted to do something special to make up for it. It's the watch he gave you. I had it fixed. Oh. My. God. VAUGHN: This isn't working. LAUREN: It isn't? VAUGHN: Not the watch. Us. This isn't working for me. I'm not happy. LAUREN: I see. VAUGHN: I don't know, I guess for a while I thought I could be again. But I don't think that's going to happen. VAUGHN: I think we should separate. LAUREN: This is about Sydney, isn't it? VAUGHN: No, it isn't. LAUREN: Did she give you an ultimatum? VAUGHN: This is about us, our problem. LAUREN: She is our problem. Michael, if you're going to destroy my life, the least you can do is be honest about why you're doing it. Lauren storms off. LAUREN: (cell) We have a problem. [SCENE_BREAK] Some garage - Los Angeles - CA - US [SCENE_BREAK] SARK: Have you been made? LAUREN: Of course not. If he knew I was Covenant he would arrest me, not break up with me. SARK: Well, he's obviously grown tired of you, perhaps because of another woman? LAUREN: My access extends beyond my husband. SARK: Perhaps, but Vaughn is central to the CIA's efforts regarding the passenger, so you must do everything possible to keep him close. LAUREN: What are you proposing? SARK: The last time Sydney Bristow induced your husband to stray from a committed relationship, he was dating Alice Williams. When her father died, Vaughn recommitted. LAUREN: I am not going to kill my father. SARK: Need I remind you that you expressed no such compunction about killing my father. LAUREN: You asked me to kill Lazarey. SARK: And now I'm asking you to kill Senator Reed. LAUREN: The answer is no. [SCENE_BREAK] Rotunda - Los Angeles - CA - US [SCENE_BREAK] Jack is pulling up Lauren's records and calendar. One passport says Katrina Holsbeek, DOB 07/02/1959. Another says Samuel Coy, DOB 12 Jun 1969, Male, New York, issued 14 Mar 2000, no. 721000069. But both have Lauren's picture. Her email consists of stuff from Blyth(a)al.com, sales-broken-email-regt.com, and ep 315 photos and Daniel Ryan bios from Jason Delevan. He prints her calendar. Lauren's reading a file as she walks by, accompanied by ominous music. [SCENE_BREAK] Intro Sequence [SCENE_BREAK] Senator Reed's hotel room - Los Angeles - CA - US [SCENE_BREAK] Doorbell rings. A woman answers the door. It's Jack. JACK: Mrs. Reed, my name is Jack Bristow. I'm here to see your husband. OLIVIA: George tells me you work with Lauren. JACK: Yes, I do. OLIVIA: What you all do is so important. Forgive me for saying so, but I think the country is lucky to have her, don't you? JACK: Absolutely. Senator Reed comes in. REED: The omnibus appropriations bill is snagged on the intel budget. Can you believe that, in this day and age? OLIVIA: Well, I'm off to give a speech at the central library. REED: Olivia chairs the largest literacy program in the country. Does more good in a year than I do in a six-year term. OLIVIA: I'll be back after dinner. Remember to take your pill. OLIVIA: It's very nice to meet you. REED: Okay, let's see it. JACK: All I have is a paper trail, not definitive proof but the beginning of what Director Dixon and I believe to be a strong case for the existence of a mole. REED: Other than Sloane. JACK: Or instead of him. At this point that is unclear. REED: Is it that hard to identify a traitor? Honestly, sometimes I think you people just get too close. The Senator looks at the file, sees Lauren's picture and some information about her travels. Some of the text is visible, enough to discover that it's a cut and paste job, with a few lines of text repeated. REED: I don't understand. JACK: (remarking about the trips) Unauthorized by either NSC or Central Intelligence. REED: Covert ops often go unrecorded. JACK: 60% of the flights listed coincide with dates and locations where verifiable Covenant activity occurred. REED: My daughter is a committed public servant who despite my objections insisted on government service because she felt the responsibility to give back to her country. JACK: I understand this is difficult. REED: No, no, it's not, because there is nothing here. Lauren is a patriot, and I will not allow you to ruin her reputation based on innuendo and supposition. JACK: As I said, my findings are preliminary. Jack gets up to leave. JACK: These are duplicates. If, after reviewing them more thoroughly you have any questions, call me. [SCENE_BREAK] Briefing Room - Rotunda - Los Angeles - CA - US DIXON: Based on the transponder codes Sloane gave us, Marshall tracked the Omnifam trucks to the Russian consulate at Gaborone. The consulate general, Petr Berezovsky, has strong ties to the Covenant. Upon your arrival, there will be a State event in progress. You will proceed to the second floor where we believe Sark and Bomani may be analyzing the map. Dixon sits down. DIXON: The second floor of the consulate is like a vault, satellite-resistant shielding, copper-lined walls, electrically-conductive concrete. WEISS: So this is where you think the map is located. Dixon nods. VAUGHN: So how do we gain access? DIXON: Sydney will be going in as a Russian couture designer interested in the local diamond trade. Vaughn, you and Weiss will run back-up. DIXON: Marshall's analyzing intel on the security system and passwords. He will brief you on countermeasures and op-tech. You leave in one hour. [SCENE_BREAK] GAORONE - Botswana (pushthrough) VAUGHN: (comm) Okay, Mountaineer. Comms are hot. SYDNEY: (comm) I'm entering the party. WEISS: (comm) Copy. Now locate Berezovsky. SYDNEY: (comm) I see him. WEISS: (comm) Firing up the microphone. (flashback) MARSHALL: Now, this lovely choker you're wearing will get you up to the second floor because the elevator controls are password operated by voice. So you're going to have to talk like Berezovsky. But I designed a high-resolution miniature microphone that I placed inside the choker. The password is "mockingbird" in Russian. VAUGHN: Oh, that'll be easy to get him to say. MARSHALL: No, you won't have to, because I designed a voice construction software program that will allow you to reconstruct the password once Sydney gets Berezovsky to say enough syllables and phonemes. Piece of cake, right? SYDNEY: (in Russian) Pelena Alexandreva. ... Your contributions to couture are greatly appreciated. BEREZOVSKY: Please forgive my voice. Too much cheering at my son's soccer game. [SCENE_BREAK] WEISS: Come on, this guy sounds like a frog. Is this thing still going to work? VAUGHN: I don't know. We'll find out. [SCENE_BREAK] BEREZOVSKY: ... SYDNEY: Da. Sydney walks away. [SCENE_BREAK] VAUGHN: (comm) On my way in, Syd. WEISS: I'll reconstruct the password and have it uplinked to you by the time you reach the elevator. WEISS: (comm) Okay, stay sharp. Sark and Bomani could be upstairs. [SCENE_BREAK] Sark and Bomani are hovering over a computer display of the map. BOMANI: With our computer scan of the map, we have narrowed our search to a radius of 100 square miles. The ? should pinpoint the location by this time tomorrow. BOMANI: (to techie) Well done. Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] SYDNEY: (comm) The guards are doing a 2-minute sweep. Bomani and Sark might be in the building as well. WEISS: (comm) Once you get the elevator door closed, it'll take you directly to the second floor. But be careful, you might run into Sark and Bomani. Vaughn tries to play the recorded password for the elevator microphone. It doesn't work. VAUGHN: (comm) It's no good. WEISS: (comm) Got it. Let me just... let me try something. Sydney hands Vaughn a handgun. SYDNEY: Gun. WEISS: (comm) Try it now. VAUGHN: (comm) It's still red. WEISS: (comm) Watch it. You've got a guard approaching from the South. WEISS: (comm) Alright, I think I've got it. Try it again. It works. The elevator door closes. VAUGHN: We're on our way up. [SCENE_BREAK] BOMANI: You will go to Vienna and get everything ready. I will meet you there when I've retrieved the key. SARK: Very well. Bomani pulls out a silenced pistol and shoots the techie. SARK: That was extravagant. BOMANI: I trust no one, Mr. Sark, and it is best you remember that. [SCENE_BREAK] Vaughn and Sydney enter a nearby room. There's gibberish on a whiteboard. VAUGHN: There it is. There's a golden disk spinning in another room. Sydney puts some Marshall gizmo on the door lock and it unlocks. WEISS: We're in. Whoa, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. It looks like you just triggered a silent alarm. Get the crystal and get out. [SCENE_BREAK] At the security room... a phone rings. BOMANI: Yes? He puts the phone down and looks at Sark. BOMANI: Somebody's here. VAUGHN: Got it. Bomani and Sark arrive and start shooting. VAUGHN: Go! Sydney and Vaughn get out of the room and out onto a balcony. Guards find them and start shooting. VAUGHN: Take my gun. Vaughn rigs a banner so they can use it to jump off the balcony. VAUGHN: We're going over. Ready? SYDNEY: Ready. They escape. SARK: They have the crystal. BOMANI: Well get them. [SCENE_BREAK] Military cargo plane SYDNEY: The Covenant may have already discovered how to read this. Even if we figure out where it leads, Bomani may get there first. WEISS: You know, Dixon forwarded the picture of the crystal we gave him on to Project Blackhole. I'll give him a call and ask him if they have a device that can read it. VAUGHN: Lauren and I are separating. When we get home, I'm on Weiss' couch. SYDNEY: Are you sure that's what you really want? VAUGHN: It is. [SCENE_BREAK] Rotunda - Los Angeles - CA - US Lauren notices someone's been going through her files. She tracks it down to a user, DY692. GOON: Can I help you, Mrs. Reed? LAUREN: I need you to run a check against a user account, number DY692. GOON: I'm sorry, those records are cleared. LAUREN: I have SCI level 9 clearance. You can check with the Office of Security. GOON: Protocol. LAUREN: I understand. GOON: Here we go. [SCENE_BREAK] Flirting Corner - Rotunda - Los Angeles - CA - US LAUREN: (cell) Jack Bristow accessed my files. My intrusion detection program logged his user account. SARK: (cell) What information was he interested in, specifically? LAUREN: (cell) My travel itinerary for the last five months, expense reports, rental car receipts, my phone logs. I can't risk being exposed. SARK: (cell) Well then I strongly suggest you reconsider eliminating your father. LAUREN: (cell) How would that help this situation? SARK: (cell) We can associate him with the breeches. If you have another suggestion, now is the time to make it. SARK: (cell) Good. We're agreed. Lauren hangs up, frustrated. [SCENE_BREAK] Marshall's office - Rotunda - Los Angeles - CA - US [SCENE_BREAK] MARSHALL: It operates under the same principals as a kaleidoscope. It contains loose pieces of colored glass reflected by mirrors set at certain angles that create patterns when viewed through the end of the tube. SYDNEY: In this case the pattern is a map. DIXON: Made up of three crystals, all of which are required to properly read the map. Sloane had collected only two. VAUGHN: Well now that we have all three, what does the map look like? MARSHALL: Check it out. Marshall puts up a slide of the map image. SYDNEY: Do we know where that is? MARSHALL: I ran the image through every known land chart, I adjusted for erosion, acid rain, natural disaster, and I couldn't find a match. DIXON: The map revealed nothing? MARSHALL: Nothing, sir. Sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] Prison - Rotunda - Los Angeles - CA - US DIXON: Based on your intel we were able to acquire what we were looking for from Bomani. SLOANE: I'm happy I could help. SYDNEY: The problem is we can't interpret the data it generated. Sydney hands him a copy of the Iliad. This is really creepy. It reminds me of Clarice's quid pro quo with Hannibal Lecter. SLOANE: Ah. Excellent. The Iliad. So how may I be of service? Sydney takes the kaleidoscope out of a box. Sloane suddenly becomes interested. SLOANE: You found a third crystal. SYDNEY: (to the box carrier) Thank you. SYDNEY: Tell us what you see. SLOANE: Rambaldi encrypted many of his discoveries. He divided them into pieces so that if the authorities discovered any single piece the true meaning of his work would not be revealed. It's true of the crystals, and the keys they lead to. DIXON: Keys? SLOANE: Disks to be precise. There are four disks that fit perfectly into the slots carved into the Rambaldi box. SYDNEY: We know the crystals are a map, but we don't know to where. What you've been looking at doesn't sync up to any known topography. SLOANE: You know better than anyone, Sydney, there isn't anywhere on Earth that Rambaldi or his followers wouldn't go to hide one of his creations. Dixon's irritated, impatient. DIXON: We've looked everywhere on Earth. Sloane's amused, and a bit condescending. SLOANE: Really, Marcus, have you? Or is it simply that you've looked everywhere on land? [SCENE_BREAK] Marshall's office - Rotunda - Los Angeles - CA - US MARSHALL: Okay, now this is what I was looking at. That's your basic land mass. But then if I compare the topography with oceanic mapping... heh, Sloane is a genius. Sydney gives him a "Are you crazy?" look. MARSHALL: I mean an evil, horrible genius. Bad man genius. But still, genius. SYDNEY: The Yonaguni rock formation off the coast of Okinawa. DIXON: I want you two in flight immediately. There's plenty of time to spec out the mission en route. Whatever op-tech you need will be waiting for you when you land. Dixon walks out of the office. JACK: Senator Reed called. He's reviewed the documents I provided and wants to meet. DIXON: We owed him the courtesy of informing him in advance, but as soon as your conversation is complete, we need to inform the FBI and have her taken into custody. [SCENE_BREAK] Reed's hotel - Los Angeles - CA - US He's drinking something, perhaps scotch? LAUREN: Hello, father. REED: I didn't hear you come in. LAUREN: I've been hear a while talking to mom. REED: Shut the door. There's something we need to discuss that I don't want your mom to hear. She's a great woman, your mom. Put up with a lot. Me being away, Congress all these years. At this point we see what Lauren's keeping behind her back... a silenced, stainless Walther PPK. How clever. Maybe Roger Moore will be making another guest appearance. REED: It's a burden. Don't think I don't know it. On you, too. It'd break your mother's heart if she ever found out about this. He turns her file around so she can see it. REED: I know because it broke mine. LAUREN: If it's any consolation, I feel the cause I am working for is just. REED: I feel like I let you down, like it's my fault and that if I help you get out of it we could start over somehow. LAUREN: Get out of it? REED: I could tell the Agency I learned there was a mole in the Rotunda 6 months ago, and that I've been conducting my own investigation. I'm a Senator on the Intelligence Committee. No one would say a word. LAUREN: You would do that for me? REED: Of course I would. I love you. LAUREN: It's a clever plan, and I'll definitely use it. However, it only solves one of my problems. She points the gun at him. REED: Lauren, what are you doing? LAUREN: Get on your knees. REED: You can't do this. LAUREN: Get on your knees. Hands behind your head. She's getting emotional. LAUREN: Do as I say! REED: Lauren, please. Don't do this. She puts the gun down. OLIVIA: God! What are you doing? Give me the gun, Lauren. Olivia shoots her husband. Lauren winces. OLIVIA: Sark said you might back out. OLIVIA: (phone) (some Russian word) [SCENE_BREAK] Same - later Forensics people are taking pictures. Jack shows up and flashes his badge, and is presumably informed by the investigators what happened. [SCENE_BREAK] Same - shortly afteward JACK: I'm so sorry. Tell me what happened. OLIVIA: I'd been out shopping, and I came back, and George was there, he was just sitting, gazing out the window. He started talking, saying something about our country, that our government was ineffectual. He said he'd made certain choices, that when they came out no one would understand. I told him whatever was going on, we could get through it. He said Lauren would be implicated too, that he'd asked her to do things, I don't know, access records on his behalf. OLIVIA: I went to the kitchen, and that's... that's when I heard the shot. I mean I'm his wife, I should have known. These people he was talking about, the Covenant, he made it sound like they were... terrorists. Lauren comes running in, crying, and hugs her mom. LAUREN: Mom! Oh my god. OLIVIA: I'm sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] SEA OF [J]APAN (pushthrough) [SCENE_BREAK] A helicopter is flying over the ocean. Cut to Sydney and Vaughn swimming with underwater gear. MARSHALL: Alright, Mountaineer, ... degrees southwest. MARSHALL: Target acquired. They'll be out of radio contact until they resurface. [SCENE_BREAK] Sydney and Vaughn are in some sort of cave. They find the four keys. VAUGHN: What is this place? SYDNEY: It looks like it's been fortified over the years, probably by the followers of Rambaldi to protect his artifacts from ever being removed. VAUGHN: Well next time they'll have to do a better job. [SCENE_BREAK] DIXON: What's that? MARSHALL: Not sure. Hold on a second, I'll enhance. It's a helicopter with divers. There are four of them, sir. DIXON: Syd, Vaughn, you've got four incoming bogeys, I repeat, four bogeys. Do you copy? MARSHALL: As long as they're in that cave, the signal's down. [SCENE_BREAK] VAUGHN: You know, these never have to see the surface. SYDNEY: What do you mean? VAUGHN: If what's in the Rambaldi box is a danger to you, and these keys are the only way to open it, maybe they should be destroyed. SYDNEY: Thank you for saying that. BOMANI: Put down your weapon. BOMANI: I could never have found this without you. Thank you for that. You remind me of your mother. I'm sure she would be pleased to know I got the keys from you. After all, the passenger is Irina's legacy. Give me the satchel. Gunfight. Except Bomani, who has some mid-east sabre-like thing. Bomani escapes. SYDNEY: Bomani's got the keys. SYDNEY: Vaughn, our hose has been cut. VAUGHN: The DPVs are shot. Note: DPV means Diver Propulsion Vehicle. SYDNEY: How long can you hold your breath? VAUGHN: A free swim? No way, we'd never make it out of the tunnel. It's too far. SYDNEY: We don't have a choice. VAUGHN: There's got to be another way. SYDNEY: There! SYDNEY: The tank's full. VAUGHN: The regulator's broken. It's compressed air. If we can release it properly, it can act as a propulsion device. VAUGHN: Hang on. Bad CGI of Sydney and Vaughn holding onto the DPV with air tank attached and propelling them through the water. MARSHALL: Okay, there they are. DIXON: How can you be sure it's them? MARSHALL: It's them. The tracker they're wearing emits a specific GPS frequency. It's them. Phew. [SCENE_BREAK] Cargo Plane back to the U.S. VAUGHN: Nothing on the satellite feed or from Naval Intelligence. It's like Bomani just disappeared. SYDNEY: And took the key to the passenger with him. SYDNEY: Vaughn. SYDNEY: I am sad for you, for you and Lauren, that you have to go through this. But I'm also hopeful. That's what scares me. VAUGHN: I understand. VAUGHN: When we get home, you want to get a cup of coffee? SYDNEY: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Rotunda - Los Angeles - CA - US DIXON: I want to extend my condolences on behalf of the entire task force. LAUREN: Thank you. DIXON: I have arranged to have grief counseling made available at your convenience, and a leave of absence if you want one. DIXON: What's this? LAUREN: My letter of resignation. My actions violated the oath I took to this country, and your trust. Agents were put at risk because of what I did. DIXON: Your behavior, while unacceptable, is nevertheless understandable. You were acting at your father's instruction in accordance with what you believed was approved government protocol. He told you he was conducting an independent security check, and you had no reason to believe otherwise. There's a knock. Dixon motions Jack in. DIXON: Many of us have suffered tragedy on the job or at home. When that happens, we pull together. This time will be no exception. Your resignation is not accepted. Lauren smiles, a bit inappropriately for someone who _just_ tendered her resignation. LAUREN: Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to go find my husband. She leaves. JACK: Did the forensics check out? DIXON: Yes. The official cause of death is suicide. Do you accept that? JACK: At this point, I have no reason not to. I assume this means we no longer have reason to hold Sloane? DIXON: Not necessarily. [SCENE_BREAK] Rotunda - Los Angeles - CA - US Sydney and Vaughn arrive. People are huddled around Lauren. Weiss walks over to Vaughn and explains what happened. Sydney's glaring at Weiss. Vaughn leaves Sydney and goes over to his wife. Sydney watches, looking rather upset. Lauren looks at Sydney as she hugs Vaughn. [SCENE_BREAK] Prison - Rotunda - Los Angeles - CA - US DIXON: You're here because we believed you hacked into this office and removed classified files. We were wrong, and those charges are being dropped. SLOANE: So am I to understand that you have apprehended the mole. DIXON: Yes. Senator George Reed. SLOANE: Senator Reed admitted to working for the Covenant? DIXON: He did. And then he killed himself. SLOANE: I wish to be released immediately, with apologies, and my pardon agreement intact. DIXON: I'm sure you would, but in going through the Senator's personal effects, we discovered evidence that for the past year he has been consulting with you regarding Rambaldi's work, and further that in direct violation of your pardon agreement you handed over certain Rambaldi artifacts not to the DSR but directly to the Senator himself. DIXON: As a result, we have been given authority to officially revoke your pardon agreement, meaning the sentence you received prior to the agreement is being reinstituted. In two weeks, you'll be executed by lethal injection. [SCENE_BREAK] Vaughn's house - Los Angeles - CA - US Vaughn calls someone. The phone rings 1.5 times. SYDNEY: (cell) Hello? VAUGHN: (cell) Hi. SYDNEY: (cell) Hi. VAUGHN: (cell) Sorry about how I got pulled away. SYDNEY: (cell) How is she? VAUGHN: (cell) It's hard dealing with her father's death and betrayal. SYDNEY: (cell) Are you at Eric's? VAUGHN: (cell) No. Sydney is virtually in tears. SYDNEY: (cell) I see. SYDNEY: (cell) Well, I guess we won't be getting that cup of coffee. VAUGHN: (cell) No, we're not. SYDNEY: (cell) Okay, I'm going to go. She hangs up and starts crying. VAUGHN: (to empty phone) Syd... Vaughn goes back to bed. Lauren opens her evil eyes to creepy music.

Plan: A: Kazari Bomani; Q: Who must Sydney and Vaughn track down? A: Rambaldi; Q: What is the name of the puzzle? A: Senator Reed; Q: Who does Jack reveal his suspicions to? A: Lauren; Q: Who is Senator Reed's daughter? A: his marriage; Q: What does Vaughn decide what to do about? Summary: Sydney and Vaughn must track Kazari Bomani down to get hold of a piece of the Rambaldi puzzle. Meanwhile, Jack reveals his suspicions to Senator Reed about his daughter Lauren's allegiances, and Vaughn decides what to do about his marriage.

Act One. Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. Roz and Frasier are on the sofa working on some promos. Daphne is sat at the table. Roz: I'm sorry I brought Alice today when we have so much work to do. Frasier: Oh, that's all right, Roz. You know what, you'll find another nanny soon. Roz: I better. I have a date tomorrow. It's my first one in a month. A month! Between spending my days with you and my nights with Alice, I've forgot what a real conversation is like. Frasier: Well, don't tell Alice that, it might hurt her feelings. Roz gives Frasier a look. Then we hear crying from the back bedrooms. Roz: There we go again! Roz enters as Martin and Niles enter. Niles is in his suit, Martin is wearing a long overcoat. They all greet each other. Niles: Just look at the dapper gent I ran into on the elevator. Martin: All right, Niles, that's enough. Yes, I like the suit you got me. [Martin takes overcoat off revealing a black suit] Niles: All right. Well, tell me about the comments. Did everybody there ooh and aah? Martin: Nope, people were pretty much looking at the guy in the casket. Frasier: So, Dad, how was the funeral? Martin: Oh, it was terrible. It's not at all the way Stan would have wanted it. They did everything on the cheap and that daughter of his, she didn't even get the good priest. She got some rookie from the seminary who stumbled all through the eulogy and couldn't even pronounce "Wojadubakowski!" Niles: Well, I can commiserate with you, Dad. I had a rather bad day on the death front myself. [heads to sherry shelf] Sherry? Frasier: Yes please, Niles. Niles: [pours two glasses] I received a letter today saying, thanks to my divorce, I've lost my plot at Seattle's toniest cemetery. Frasier: You mean, you're out of "Verdant Hills?" Oh, I am sorry, I know how much you were looking forward to being dead there. Niles crosses with drinks and sits on sofa. Niles: They've wait-listed me, but I don't like my odds. Frasier: I don't blame you. One country club fire, you can kiss your chances goodbye. Daphne: I went to all sorts of funerals as a child. My uncle's a mortician. Lovely man. He's offered to do my make-up for the wedding. [exits to her room] Frasier: I can just hear the whispers now. "Did you see the bride? Very life-like." Dad, you know, I'm sorry about your friend's funeral not going so well. Rest assured, when the time comes - years from now - Niles and I will follow your wishes to the letter. Martin: Thank you. Niles: Wait, Dad, what are your wishes? Martin: Never mind, I'm not going to go planning my own funeral, it's bad luck. Frasier: But, Dad... Martin: Ah, ah, ah, you don't pull the cord on the bus until you're ready to get off. Martin exits to his room. Niles: [confused] Pull the what on the what? Frasier: I don't know. Niles: I'm surprised. I didn't know Dad had such a bugaboo about his funeral arrangements. Frasier: Yeah, I know, it's a painful subject, but we've got to plan for it. We all must be prepared when the cold hand of death comes knocking on our door. A knocking is then heard on the front door. Frasier and Niles look at each other. Frasier: Would you get that? Niles: I most certainly will not. Frasier stands and opens the door. It's the pizza delivery guy, who is none other than Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe. He thrusts the pizza into Frasier's hand. Bulldog: Pizza. Frasier: [taking it] Oh, thank you very much. [notices] Bulldog? Good Lord, come in. [he does] Oh heavens, you remember my brother Niles. Niles, you remember Bulldog. Niles: Yes, of course. Hello, Bulldog. So, are you delivering pizzas for a living? Bulldog: [sarcastic] No, I'm an eccentric millionaire, this has always been my dream. Frasier: Bulldog, I can't tell you... Bulldog: [interrupts] No, no, no. Can the sad face, okay? Just making some extra cash between radio gigs. Frasier: All right. Bulldog: Oh, it's eighteen bucks, by the way. Niles: Well, I just stopped by to leave off these opera tickets. [hands them to Frasier] So, I'll be on my way. Frasier: Thank you, Niles. By the way, I'm a little short of cash. Do you mind, er-? Niles: Oh yes, thank you. [hands Bulldog some money] There you are, and something extra for you. [hands Bulldog a twenty dollar bill] Bulldog: Whoa, that's a pretty generous tip! Niles: I'll say, wrong bill! [exchanges it for a one dollar bill] Niles leaves. Bulldog: Hey, good luck, Doc, I'll see you. Frasier: [shakes his hand] Thanks Bulldog, take care. Bulldog: All right. Bulldog crosses to the door but is stopped when Roz appears back from the bedrooms. Roz: Bulldog? Bulldog: Hello, Roz. Roz: Are you delivering pizzas? Bulldog: Yeah, yeah, this is kinda awkward, huh? Roz: Oh, no, don't be embarrassed. A job's a job. Bulldog: No, I mean awkward for you. This is the first time you've seen me since we had that fling and I dumped ya. Roz: I dumped you, pizza boy! Then Alice toddles onto the scene, Bulldog rushes to pick her up. Bulldog: Hey, look who's here! Hey, sweet pea, you are getting so big. Hey, look at that smile, she likes me. Roz: She's relieved not to be the least mature person in the room anymore. Bulldog: Who's got a mean old mommy? Bulldog goes to play with Alice as Frasier calls Roz over to talk to him. Frasier: Roz. Listen, I think you may have solved your babysitting problem. Roz: Bulldog? Are you nuts? Frasier: Well, look: Alice is obviously crazy about him, and he could use the money. Roz: I don't know. Frasier: Okay, fine, fine, Roz. You just cancel your date. I mean, you've been this long without a man, what's a few days more? Roz: Bulldog, do you want a job? [SCENE_BREAK] THE NANNY Scene Two - Roz's Apartment. Bulldog and Alice are at the dinner table. He is feeding her. Bulldog: Okay, one more bite, then we can watch "Sports Center." Roz enters in her dressing gown. Roz: Have you seen my purse? Bulldog: Yeah, it's on the chair. Roz: [picks it up] Steve's going to be here any minute. Bulldog: So, you've been dating for a while? Roz: Actually, no. Tonight's our first date. In fact, it's my first date in a month. Bulldog: Whoa! You injured? You pull something? Roz: No. Bulldog: I guess no one quite measured up to that week you spent in the doghouse, huh? Roz: Let's get one thing straight. That little fling we had... Bulldog: I know, I know, I was just joking. Roz exits to her room. Bulldog: [to Alice] Okay. If you're not going to have some peaches, we've got some jello in the fridge. You know, some naughty ladies like to wrestle in that stuff. He picks her up. There is a knock at the door. Bulldog: Who's that? Who's that? [opens door to Steve] He-ho. Steve: Excuse me, is this Roz Doyle's apartment? Bulldog: Yeah, yeah, are you her date? Steve: Yeah. Bulldog checks behind him for Roz, then grabs Steve by the front of his shirt. Bulldog: Listen up: if you go out with Roz tonight, I will rip off your arm, ram it down your throat and use it to squeeze your heart until it stops beating. [then to Alice] Who's my pretty girl? [grabs Steve] Okay, dirtball. Listen, when you get out of here, you call Roz and you cancel like a gentleman. As far as she's concerned, this conversation never took place. Got it? Steve: Who are you? Bulldog: I'm your worse nightmare: the babysitter! Bulldog shuts the door on him as Roz enters. She is wearing a very low-cut top. Bulldog: Whoa! Roz: Do I look slutty? Bulldog: All right, if you're fishing for compliments: yeah, you look slutty. The phone rings, Roz answers. Roz: Hello? Hey, Steven. Oh, really? Well, tomorrow's Saturday, I mean you won't have to... No, it's okay. Yeah, bye. [hangs up] I don't believe it! My first date in a month and he blows me off. Bulldog: What, at the last minute? What a jerk! He does not deserve you. Roz: Thanks, Bulldog. Bulldog: Well, I guess I can go. Roz: Mmm. Bulldog: Oh, I ordered a pizza. Just have him drop it by my place. I'm at the YMCA. Have him knock hard, I turn up the radio to drown out the sirens. Roz: Why don't you just stay and have your pizza? Bulldog: Are you sure? Roz: Yeah, it's not like I'm doing anything tonight. Come and tell us what you guys did at the park today. Bulldog sits with Roz and Alice. Bulldog: We fed the ducks! We went on a pony ride and then came back for a whole jar of peas. Roz: Peas? How did you get her to eat those? Bulldog: There's a trick to it. You've got to pretend to sneeze them out of your nose. Roz: How did you come up with that? Bulldog: It's an interesting story... Roz: Actually, don't tell me. [SCENE_BREAK] THE PLOTS THICKEN Scene Three - Café Nervosa. Frasier is sat drinking his coffee as Niles enters, pleased with himself. Frasier: Oh, good afternoon, Niles. Niles: Coffee's on me, I'm back at "Verdant Hills" cemetery. Frasier: Oh, well congratulations, nothing left now but all that pesky waiting. Niles: I haven't got the official word yet but I've called in a favor: Bruce McGurk, he's on the board of directors. I gave him grief counseling when his uncle was lost at sea and it occurred to me, there's a plot gone begging! Niles goes to the counter as Roz enters, depressed. Roz: Tell me something, do I have the word "loser" tattooed across my forehead? Frasier: No, Roz, but there is a rumor about a "Tweety Bird" on your upper thigh. Roz: I've had two dates this week and both of them have bailed out on me at the last second. What's wrong with me? Frasier: Oh, don't count yourself out just yet, Roz. Roz: Yeah, right. Frasier: No, no, there's a young man over there, can't take his eyes off you. He's been staring at you ever since you came in. Roz looks at the man who is sitting by the window using his laptop. She gasps with recognition. Roz: [like a school girl] That's Ted from the ad department! We've been making eye contact for months. Frasier: Oh, yes, Ted. Well, his gaze is so steamy it's re-foaming my latte. Why don't you go other there and talk with him? Roz: I can't. I won't know what to say. Frasier: I tell you what, ask him to dinner. I'm going to "Chez Henri" myself this evening, I'll call and get you a table. Roz: I don't know, I'm feeling a little gun shy. Frasier: Roz, you better hurry. If you talk to me another minute longer, he'll think he's got some serious competition. Roz: [laughs] Thanks, Frasier, I needed a good laugh to loosen me up. Roz, laughing, goes over to chat with Ted. Frasier then opens his cell phone and dials. Frasier: [into phone] Hello, it's Frasier Crane. Niles's cell phone starts ringing. He answers it and sits with Frasier. Frasier: I was just wondering, I'd like to get a table for a dear friend of mine tonight as well. Niles: Niles Crane here. Hello, Bruce. I'm hoping you're calling with good news about "Verdant Hills?" Frasier: Table for two. Niles: Yes, a plot for one. Frasier: By the kitchen? Oh Lord, I was hoping for something near the fireplace. Niles: Near the parking lot? I prefer the serenity garden. Frasier: Oh, the back row would be fine, who's at the next table? Niles: The hilltops? Divine! Who's in the adjacent plot? Frasier: The Ashbys, wonderful! Niles: The Ashbys, delightful! Frasier: Thank you very much. Niles: I'm very grateful. They both hang up. Niles: McGurk got me a shady spot on the high hill. Frasier: You mean...? Niles: [ecstatic] Yes, I'll spend eternity looking down on Maris. Frasier: Oh, Niles. Niles: Checkmate! Roz then comes over. Roz: He said yes. Frasier: Well, of course he did Roz, congratulations. And you're all set at "Chez Henri." Roz: Great. Then Bulldog enters with the pram and Alice. Bulldog: [irate] Okay, what sorry b*st*rd would steal a pacifier from a kid? [slams a table] THIS STINKS! THIS IS TOTAL B.S.! [then] Oh, found it, found it. [gives it to Alice] Roz hurries over. Bulldog: Hi. Roz: You know, Bulldog, I hate to do this to you. Could you babysit tonight? I just get a date with Ted over there. Bulldog: [miffed] Really? Sure, just say. Way to go, slugger! Roz: I better go home and get ready. Bulldog: You go ahead, I'll catch up with you after I go to the can. Roz: Lovely! Roz exits with Alice as Bulldog goes to see Ted. Bulldog: Hey, Ted, right? Ted: Bulldog, long time, no see. Bulldog: I heard you're going out with Roz tonight. Ted: Yeah. Bulldog: Listen up! You have her home forty-five minutes after you pick her up or you'll be sorry. Ted: Yeah? [stands] What are you going to do about it? Bulldog holds his hand in front of Ted's face and breaks his own middle finger. Ted: Oh my God! Bulldog: If I'm willing to do that to me, just think what I'll do to you. Ted: All right, forty-five minutes. Bulldog: Or else! Bulldog walks to the toilet feeling the pain as he goes. Then Martin enters and crosses to the boys' table. Martin: Hey boys, feel like taking a ride? Frasier: Sure, Dad. Where to? Martin: Well, I got thinking about what we were talking about the other night, you know, about me not having made any arrangements for myself. So, just went out and bought myself a burial plot. Frasier: Okay, all right, let's go have a look, Dad. I'm glad to see you've finally realized there's no point in being superstitious about the whole thing. Martin: Yeah, well, I realized that if I let you plan my funeral there'd be all harps, white wine, and frankly a lot of very pissed-off cops! Martin and the boys exit. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Four - Cemetery. Daphne is driving her red convertible around the cemetery. Martin is giving her directions as Niles and Frasier listen in the back seat. Martin: Right up here on the left. I've got the whole service mapped out. It'll start with a bagpiper marching down the aisle... Daphne: Bagpipes? I'm having bagpipes at my wedding, you knew that! Martin: And none of that dainty finger food, either. Big slabs of beef! Prime rib. Daphne: You can't have prime rib, I'm having prime rib. Martin: Oh, for Pete's sake. Daphne: No, no, this is lovely! If you kick off before I get married, you'll ruin everything. Martin: All right, all right, I'll drop the bagpipes. Daphne: No, no, have the bagpipes! And what else are you going to have? A big cake with a little white coffin on the top. Martin: Oh, put a sock in it, will ya? Daphne: It wouldn't surprise me if you had a hearst with "Just Buried" on the side of it. Martin: Oh, stop it! I'm warning you. Daphne stops the car. They get out. Niles and Frasier are not impressed but put on a brave face. They go to Martin's plot where a big building is situated behind. Martin: Pretty great, huh? Niles and Frasier fake enthusiasm. Martin: I'll put your mom's ashes over there on the left. Because that was her side of the bed and, er, oh, see how close we are to the maintenance shed. [points out the building] Niles: And that's good because? Martin: You're the first one to get mowed! Yeah, so do you really like this place? Frasier: Yes, Dad. Martin: Good. Fras', take about three steps over to your left, will ya? He does as Martin positions him. Martin: There you are. Niles, stand right next to him. [Niles does] Congratulations, you are standing on your very own graves. Niles: What?! Martin: Yes, they were for sale so I went ahead and bought them. And seeing how much you like it out here, I'm glad I did. Niles: But, Dad... Martin: I know what you're gonna say, the expense! But don't worry about it. Merry Christmas! Niles and Frasier looks horrified as Daphne holds in her laughter. End of Act One. [SCENE_BREAK] Act Two. Scene One - Roz's Apartment. Bulldog is preparing the dinner table for an evening meal. The door opens and Bulldog runs off into the kitchen. Ted and Roz enter. Ted: Sorry we had to rush out like that. Roz: Me too, is your stomach feeling any better? Ted: [looking around for signs of Bulldog] Not really. Roz: Fancy some ginger ale or... Bulldog appears from the kitchen and breaks his finger again in Ted's sight. Ted: I think I really better go now. Ted runs out. Roz closes the door and looks depressed and angry with herself. She looks at her clothes and collapses on the couch. Bulldog enters and acts surprised. Bulldog: She's asleep Roz, don't worry I won't disturb you a... [then] Where's Ted? Roz: He ditched me. Bulldog: What? Roz: He kept saying his stomach was bothering him, he was looking at his watch the whole time. Bulldog: What is wrong with men? Roz: It's not them, it's me. It's been happening all week. Bulldog: No, no, no, trust me. It is not you. They're just jerks. Roz: Thanks, Bulldog. Bulldog: Hey, look, if you're hungry, I just whipped up a little something. There's probably enough for two. Roz: Great. I'm just gonna go change, okay? Bulldog: Okay. Roz exits to the bedrooms. Bulldog gets to work. With his feet he opens a cupboard as he lays the table. He takes glasses already filled with wine out of it and a big pot of cooked pasta which he places on the table whilst shutting the cupboard with his foot. Then there's a knock at the door before Ted enters with Roz's purse. Bulldog: What the hell are you doing here? Ted: I know, I'm sorry. Bulldog: You are supposed to be gone. How many of my own fingers do I have to dislocate before you take me seriously? Ted: I got her home in forty-five minutes, okay? She left this in the car. We see Roz is watching this scene from the hallway. As Bulldog growls at him and shuts the door on him, she hides back in the bedroom. She then reappears and puts a plan into action. Roz: [sits] Oh, this smells delicious. Thank you. Ow, I guess I'm a little tense from that date. Bulldog: Allow me. Bulldog starts to massages her with his hand but feels the pain of his finger so instead he uses his elbow. Roz: I forgot how good you were at this! Come to think of it, you were good at a lot of things. Roz sits back and sexily unbuttons her blouse revealing her underwear to him. Bulldog: Wow! "Victoria's Secrets," page 39. Roz: Why don't we just skip dinner and go straight to dessert? Bulldog: Uh-ho! "Penthouse Forum," page 23. Bulldog chases Roz to the bedroom. Scene Two - Roz's Bedroom. Roz runs in and lays on the bed. Bulldog strips in front of her. Roz: [saucy] Are you the new pizza man? I hope you're not double parked. Bulldog: I promise you, ma'am. I will deliver in thirty minutes or more. Roz: There's a scented candle out on the balcony, would you get that for me? Bulldog: I'm kinda naked here. Roz: Cedar wood, it promotes stamina and sexual creativity. Bulldog: I'll be right back. Bulldog runs out onto the balcony and finds no candle. Roz locks the balcony door on him. Bulldog: Roz, open the door. Oh, I get it. [knocks] Pizza man! Roz: You slime bag! You've been scaring off my dates all week. Bulldog: I don't know what you're talking about. Roz: Cut the crap. I just saw you talking to Ted. This is the lowest thing you've ever done! After the way I've trusted you, this is the way I treat you. Bulldog: Would you let me in, please? Roz: No. Bulldog: It's freezing out here, [looks down] as you can plainly see! Roz: Good, I want you to suffer. Bulldog gives in and sits on a table. Roz: Don't sit there, I eat off that table, for God's sake! Roz lets him in and throws his clothes at him. Roz: Get dressed. Bulldog: Come on, wait. Roz runs out of the bedroom, Bulldog follows her. Scene Three - Roz's Apartment. They enter the main room. Bulldog: Wait, would you let me explain? Roz: I don't want to hear it, you make me sick! Just get it out. Bulldog: I wasn't just trying to get you in bed. Just give me a second, please. [deep breath] Last spring, when we were together, it was great and I didn't know how to handle it, so I ran away. But when I saw you again, it was... I figured if I could keep the competition out of the way, then maybe you and I... I don't know... we could be a couple. Roz: Us? Bulldog: [sincere] I think I'm in love with you. Roz is silent and doesn't know what to say. She obviously cannot reciprocate. Bulldog: [crushed] You're not saying anything, are you? Roz: Wait a minute! I know what you're doing! Bulldog: What? Roz: All this love stuff, it's just another way of getting me into bed. Bulldog: No, Roz, no. Roz: God, the oldest trick in the book! Bulldog: Wait a minute, Roz. Roz: And you're still at it! You're still at it! You're not Bulldog! Bulldog: No, listen. Roz then shows to him that she knows he truly loves her but that she cannot love him back. Roz: Give up, Bulldog. Silence. Bulldog decides to play along and be let down easily. Bulldog: [feigned] You can't blame a guy for trying! I had you going, huh? All the dishes and the watering. Roz: You're the master. Bulldog: Yeah, I even put childproof latches on the cabinet. Part of my plan to get you in the sack. Roz: You are such a pig! Then they calm down. Bulldog: Well, I better be going. Roz: Okay. Thank you for all of your help with Alice. [opens door] I'll see you, Bob. Bulldog: I'll see you, Roz. Bulldog then exits. Roz is obviously frustrated and confused. She goes to sip some wine as someone knocks at the door. Roz: [shouts] I'm sorry, Mrs. Wasnick, I know the balcony is not for s*x play! Frasier: [off stage] It's Frasier. And by the way, charming! Roz: It's open! Frasier opens the door and crosses to Roz. Frasier: I just saw you dash out of the restaurant with Ted, I thought, "God, what's wrong?" Roz: You are not gonna believe what just happened. Bulldog just told me he loved me. Frasier: What? Roz: Yeah, he made Ted bring me home early, turns out he's been scaring my dates off all week. Frasier: Well, what did you say to him? Roz: I tried to let him down easy, I felt sorry for the guy. Frasier: [amazed] Bulldog, wow, he's full of surprises, isn't he? Roz: Who'd have thought? You know what's really weird? I'm gonna miss him. [points to dinner] Look at this. I never had to worry about Alice, he kept this place so neat and it was really nice to have someone to... [reflects] someone to come home to. Frasier: Well, maybe Bulldog, in his own clumsy way, gave you a taste of a more traditional lifestyle. Roz: Yes, I suppose so. Frasier: Who knows, Roz? Maybe the time has come. You might be willing to start looking for a... Roz: [against the idea] What? A husband? Frasier: No, I wasn't going to say that. Roz: Just because I'm gonna miss certain things about Bulldog doesn't mean I need to rush out and get married. Look at this week I've had. Three guys interested in me and not to mention Bulldog. I'm liking this! [reassuring herself, arguably in denial] Single life is pretty good. Frasier: All right, Roz, as long as you're okay. Roz: I really appreciate you coming by. They cross to the door. Frasier: It's okay. Roz: I'll see you tomorrow. Frasier: Of course. Good night. Roz: Good night. Frasier exits and Roz closes the door. Roz takes a deep breath and heads over to the dinner table. She takes Bulldog's glass of wine and pours its content into hers, making a big glassful. She draws up a seat and pulls over the pasta pot. She tucks in with a thoughtful expression on her face. End of Act Two. [SCENE_BREAK] Roz's Apartment - Roz is trying to feed Alice peas, however she will not take them. After many attempts, Roz uses Bulldog's trick of pretending to "sneeze" them out. With this technique she successfully gets Alice to eat them.

Plan: A: KACL; Q: What radio station was Bulldog fired from? A: ( Dan Butler; Q: Who plays Bulldog? A: a pizza delivery man; Q: What is Bulldog's new job? A: Frasier; Q: Who suggests that Roz hire Bulldog as a babysitter? A: a date; Q: What does Roz have the following day? A: Niles; Q: Who has been fighting to reclaim a plot in Verdant Hills? A: a prestigious cemetery; Q: What kind of cemetery is Verdant Hills? A: fate; Q: What does Martin not like to tempt? Summary: Since being fired from KACL , Bulldog ( Dan Butler ) has been working as a pizza delivery man. Frasier suggests to Roz that she employ him as a babysitter for the following day, when she has a date. However, when her date arrives at her door, Bulldog answers it and scares him away. He does the same to several subsequent dates. Meanwhile, Niles has been fighting to reclaim a plot in Verdant Hills, a prestigious cemetery , which he lost after his divorce. He and Frasier encourage their father to organise something for himself, but Martin does not like to tempt fate.

JETTY SETH: It's senior prom; it's mythic. RYAN: Yeah, well, it's ties and dresses and photos with parents. Sounds like any other dance to me. SETH: Well, it's not. It's a romantic capstone to your entire adolescence, and if Summer and I don't go together, it's over. RYAN: Well, ask her. SETH: Oh, she's still not talking to me. RYAN: Well, have you told her there's nothing going on between you and Anna? SETH: I tried, but every time we get close, she blows her rape whistle. RYAN: Rape. Well, you know, I'm not going, so, if you, uh... if you want to hang out, rent a movie... SETH: Ryan, I love you, but if I have to spend my senior prom playing video games with you, I'm going to kill myself. Besides, I left Summer a message telling her I'm going to meet her at the diner tomorrow morning. RYAN: You think she'll show? SETH: Kind of pretended I was the Brown admissions guy. It's senior prom; anything goes. Hi, there. WAITRESS: Hi. What's it going to be? SETH: Chicken, please. RYAN: And I'll have the beef. SETH: Why aren't you going to ask someone, man? What about Tina Woo-- she's been looking really hot lately. What about Theresa? RYAN: Uh, yeah, I don't think so. SETH: Why? You said you've been spending a lot of time with her. RYAN: We have. Actually, she's coming over to the house tomorrow. SETH: Okay, great-- now that the baby thing's resolved, the pressure's off. It's perfect. Do it. RYAN: But, I mean, she still has the baby. She can't just, you know... SETH: One night. They have these new crazy things called baby-sitters. I'm just saying, it's senior prom. She's your childhood sweetheart. You have to respect the romantic symmetry. RYAN: You know what? I'll think about it and I appreciate you not bringing up the idea of Marissa and I going as friends. SETH: No, I get it. It's in the past. RYAN: Plus, I assume she'll be going with the surf nazi anyways, unless he's selling crack to blind kids, or... SETH: or fondling some girl at the end of the pier. Ah, maybe that's his cousin. His really... dirty cousin. GENERIC COFFEE SHOP SUMMER: Hi. Leave. SETH:Okay, Summer... SUMMER: No, I'm meeting someone here. You need to leave. SETH: The Brown guy? SUMMER: How did you know that? SETH: I'm sorry. It was just the only way I could get you to meet me. SUMMER: You are sick, you know that? Deranged. COHEN' HOUSE THERESA: No. RYAN: Yes. THERESA: No. RYAN: Yes. THERESA: No, our first kiss was on Halloween. Trust me, it was my sixth birthday, and my mom let me have dancing, but you didn't know how, so you hid in the bathroom. RYAN: And you tracked me down and kissed me. How did I ever block that out? THERESA: I don't know. RYAN: This is crazy. Do you want to go to prom with me? THERESA: What? KEVIN'S PLACE MARISSA: Okay... Wait, that's not why I'm here. So, you're going to think I'm... really lame, but... would you maybe want to go to prom with me? KEVIN: Are you serious? COFFEE SHOP SETH: Just give me two minutes. I ordered pancakes for you-- chocolate chip. SUMMER: Fine, two minutes, but that is it. SETH: Okay. SUMMER: Hey, somebody wrote "prom" on my pancake. That is so weird. SETH: Weird! SUMMER: Oh, my God. COHEN' HOUSE RYAN: Yeah, it's tomorrow night, so it's kind of late notice, but, um... Or not, or not. You know what? It's-it's probably a bad idea. THERESA: No, Ryan, it's just that... there's this guy that I work with, and we're not really dating or anything, but we've become close. RYAN: Yeah, no, I understand. Uh, I should probably get ready for school. KEVIN'S PLACE MARISSA: So, what, you just... hate prom? KEVIN: Pretty much. MARISSA: Why? Did you have a bad prom experience? 'Cause, hey, you know, I've heard there's support groups for things like that, and really, I think you could recover. COFFEE SHOP SUMMER: I haven't spoken to you in four days. You think pancakes and chocolate chips are going to make me forget that you and Anna went behind my back? SETH: We did not... SUMMER: Or that I saw you guys at the airport, and your long, tearful good-bye? COHEN' HOUSE THERESA: You know... RYAN: What? THERESA: Did I ever tell you how much my mom loves baby-sitting? KEVIN'S PLACE KEVIN: I, uh... I never actually made it to prom. I, um... I didn't get that close to graduation. MARISSA :Well, all the more reason to go now... 'cause you'll have me there to protect you. Okay? KEVIN: All right. COFFEE SHOP SUMMER: Not only will I not go to prom with you, but if you and I were stranded on a deserted island, I would take the nourishment that your meager frame has to offer, and then I would feed your bones to the sharks. ANNA'S ROOM ANNA: So, did she like the pancake? SETH: Yeah, she loved it, and then she said if we were stranded on a deserted island, she'd feed my bones to the sharks. SETH: I think it's hopeless. ANNA: Oh. Wait, she doesn't really think that we... SETH: She saw us hugging in the airport. ANNA: Oh, my God, this is all my fault. SETH: No, it's not your fault. ANNA: Yes, it is. If I hadn't been there, then you would have made up and you would be going to prom right now. You have to tell her the truth. SETH: Yeah, I tried, but... ANNA: No, no, no, not about us. You have to tell her that you lied about getting into Brown. SETH: I don't think I can do that. ANNA: But you have to, Seth. You have no other choice. You've done everything else. SETH: Yeah, I know, but last time I lied, I had to write out this big confession of everything I'd ever done wrong, and my whole drug phase and that... ANNA: You-you had a drug phase? SETH: I smoked a couple of joints, but I promised I'd never lie again. I don't think she's going to forgive me. ANNA: Seth, she wants to feed your bones to sharks. You have nothing to lose. SETH: Listen, Anna, I appreciate your help, but, uh... I don't know. It's over. I give up. Anyways... I'm going to talk to you later. ANNA: Man... SANDY AND KIRSTEN' ROOM KIRSTEN: You off? SANDY: Uh, I should be home in time for dinner. Hey, isn't this prom weekend? Weren't you and Julie talking about having everybody over here for pictures? KIRSTEN: We did... but Ryan doesn't have a date, and Seth and Summer seem to be in some kind of fight. SANDY: Oh, that's too bad. It's senior prom. It's a milestone. Maybe we should try and convince them to go anyway. KIRSTEN: Okay. When are we going to talk about us? SANDY: In public again, or were you thinking about something a little more private this time? KIRSTEN: I'm sorry I attacked you, but at least I got you to listen. SANDY: Well, I'm sorry I made it so difficult for you. KIRSTEN: So what do we do? SANDY: Well, we should give the boys the weekend. They're going to be gone in a few months. And then... you and I can figure out how best to proceed. I, uh... I'm going to go. KIRSTEN: Sandy, there's something else. At the end of that dinner, I... I just wish I'd apologized then. SANDY: Oh, that's okay. We'll be fine. HARBOR TAYLOR: Oh, Summer. SUMMER: Hey, Taylor. TAYLOR: Summer, wait. I have a big surprise for you. But first, business. Here are yours and Marissa's prom tickets, and I need $50 from each of you for the after-party. I rented out the Bait Shop. It is going to be such a rager. SUMMER: You know what? I don't think I'm going to go. TAYLOR: You were prom queen last year. You have to go. SUMMER: Yeah, well, the queen is dead. TAYLOR: I see. Well, perhaps you would like to hear who your date is. SUMMER: What are you talking about? TAYLOR: I got you a date. SUMMER: Taylor! TAYLOR: Quiet. You know how I'm going with Sung Ho? SUMMER: The guy from the Korean barbecue? TAYLOR: Oh, yeah, we, like, totally found each other at the sweatshirt party. He's got this wonderfully hairless body. It's like hooking up with a seal. SUMMER: I have to go. TAYLOR: So, it turns out his cousin Young Nam is visiting from Seoul. And his English is a little... but Sung Ho says he is huge on the K-pop scene. SUMMER: What the hell is K-pop? TAYLOR: Korean pop-- K-pop. Anyway, his band's called Big Korea, and he's a model, too. They actually based a couple of anime characters on him. SUMMER: Taylor, I'm not going to go to prom with some Asian pop singer that barely speaks English. TAYLOR: Summer. SUMMER: Ow. TAYLOR: Cohen deceived you. It is your duty as a woman to make him feel pathetic and small by going to prom with the hottest guy you can find. SUMMER: That's a good point. Are you sure he's hot? TAYLOR: Sung Ho said at his last concert, a gang of crazed school girls torched a cop car. SUMMER: Big Korea. [SCENE_BREAK] RYAN: Hey. How you doing? MARISSA: Hey. Good. Are those prom tickets? RYAN: Yeah. I asked someone. Theresa, actually. MARISSA: Oh, well, that's great. RYAN: Yeah. MARISSA: So, the baby...? RYAN: Really cute, but not mine. Well, what about you? Are you... are you going? I can't remember whether you and Volchok are still together or... MARISSA: Yeah, on both counts. RYAN: Yeah? MARISSA: He wasn't exactly enthusiastic, but he said yes. RYAN: Oh, that's-that's, uh... that's great. MARISSA: Yeah. Okay, I should be getting to class. Um, congratulations on the Theresa thing. See you. RYAN: See you. COHEN HOUSE ANSWERING MACHINE: Hey, it's Summer. Leave a message. SETH: Summer, hey. I just, I just want to apologize for what happened in the girls' bathroom today. I didn't mean to follow you in, or spook Mrs. Rushfield. I'm just trying to explain the idea of a romance between me and Anna so insane that... ANNA: Hello, Seth. SETH: I had to go. KEVIN'S PLACE KEVIN: Yeah, yeah. All right, all right, all right. Well, well, look who's here. RYAN: I want to talk to you. KEVIN: Hmm. Yeah, I'm not really in the mood to talk, but try me later. RYAN: Ken, listen. I saw you on the pier last night. KEVIN: Huh. Last night, last night... Yeah, I don't, I don't remember that far back. RYAN: Maybe you remember the girl you were with? Long hair, tattoos, not much like Marissa? KEVIN: You know, you are something else, man. But tell me this-- why would I cheat on Marissa? I mean... that girl's hot, right? In every way. But then you already knew that, didn't you? You want to see how far you can push me, keep at it. I already fell for that Lethal Weapon psycho bit once. It's not happening again. MARISSA: Hey, Kevin. I think there's like a snake in the shower... What are you doing here? KEVIN: Yeah, Ryan. What are you doing here? RYAN: Uh... Uh, Kirsten called. She's having people over for photos tomorrow, and I just thought I'd invite you. MARISSA: Oh, that's really sweet. KEVIN: Yeah, so sweet. MARISSA: Okay, ignore him. We'll be there. RYAN: Yeah. COHEN' HOUSE RYAN: Hello? ANNA: Hey. RYAN: Hi. Anna. Seth said you were in town. ANNA: Hey, how are you? RYAN: I'm good, and you look much more grown up. Yeah, well, don't we all? You staying with your parents? ANNA: My aunt and my uncle. Last year, my parents switched houses. We're a quirky family. RYAN: Yeah. ANNA: Are you going to prom? RYAN: Yeah, actually. I'm going with Theresa. SETH: Hey, there she is. Look at a true friend, Ryan. 2,000 miles she flies. ANNA: In a middle seat. SETH: All to make sure Summer and I go to the prom together. Now, tell me, would you do so much? Let's not test it. ANNA: Well, guilt could be a powerful motivator. SETH: I'd tell you again that it's not your fault, except I want to hear this plan. ANNA: In phase one... SETH: Uh! Hear that, Ryan? Phase one. That suggests multiple phases. ANNA: In phase one, I am going to go over to Summer's right now, and tell her that there is nothing going on between us. SETH: Okay. Out of curiosity, what you got for phase two? ANNA: In the off-chance that phase one fails, phase two-- you take me to prom. I brought a dress. Yeah, I better get going. I'll call you. See you later. RYAN: Bye-bye. SETH: Bye. SUMMER'S ROOM MARISSA: I don't know, I kind of like it. SUMMER: I'm going to kill Taylor. MARISSA: Why? Come on. He's cute. SUMMER: How can you tell? He's in a space suit. MARISSA: So do you think Kevin will like this? SUMMER: Yeah, if it rips off easy. This was supposed to make Seth jealous. MARISSA: What's that? SUMMER: Just Seth's napkin confession, detailing all his lies and deceptions, including his pathetic two-week stoner phase. You know what? I think it is time for Sandy and Kirsten to know their son a little better. MARISSA: What? Summer, you can't do that. SUMMER: Oh, I can. We had a deal. He told me that if he screwed up, I could show this to his parents. Revenge. MARISSA: Don't you think that maybe he's telling the truth about him and Anna? I mean, do you really think that they would do that to you? ANNA: Hi. I hope I'm not interrupting anything. SUMMER: Oh, my God. MARISSA: No. Hi, Anna. It's good to see you again. ANNA: You, too. MARISSA: I'm going to go... try this on. SUMMER: I need you. What are you doing here? ANNA: Summer, I wanted to talk to you. You have to believe me. There is nothing going on between me and Seth. You are still my Blanche, you know? SUMMER: Nice try. I saw you guys hugging at the airport. ANNA: That was... not what you think it was. We were celebrating. SUMMER: Celebrating what? ANNA: The future. SUMMER: If I flew 2,000 miles, I'd probably come up with a better story. ANNA: No, it's the truth. Seth... SUMMER: Look. My date's going to be here soon. He's kind of a rock star. You may have heard of him, Big Korea. Yeah. Well, not surprised. Thanks for coming by. ANNA: Summer... Look, Summer, I'm sorry that you don't believe me, but if you're already going with someone, would you mind if I went with Seth? SUMMER: Why would I mind? ANNA: Okay, then. I'll see you there. SUMMER: See ya. POOLHOUSE RYAN: So, uh, how exactly does this plan go again? SETH: Summer sees me with Anna at the dance, and confronted with the reality of a world without Seth Cohen, she comes to her senses. RYAN: Uh-huh, because a world without you... SETH: Is a world without sun. Ryan, it's a world without warmth. I don't get it, either, but I think we should trust Anna on this one. She has more knowledge of the female psyche than either you or I could hope for. RYAN: That's so true. ANNA: Aren't you guys ready yet? People are going to be here. What is it? What's wrong? SETH: No. You look... I'm getting ready still. COHEN' HOUSE SANDY: Hello, welcome. TAYLOR'S DATE: These are my parents. SANDY: How are you? Nice to see you. Come on in. SUMMER: You look beautiful. THERESA: You, too. SETH: That's Summer's date. Looks like the guy in Full Metal Alchemist. SANDY: Kirsten, here are the Yangs, Elena and Tom. RYAN: Hey. How are you? MARISSA: Hey. THERESA: Hi. MARISSA: Oh, my God, you look beautiful. THERESA: You too. It's good to see you. RYAN: Glad you could make it. TAYLOR: Ryan. I'm so glad that you and Seth found dates. RYAN: Thank you. TAYLOR: So I'm going to need 50 bucks from each of you for the after-party. SANDY: Oh, I'll take care of that. There you go. TAYLOR: Thank you, very much Mr. Cohen. SANDY: You're welcome. Attention, everybody: The limos are waiting, so, ladies, please put your purses and your wraps and things on the bar, so we can all go out to the pool and take pictures. All right? KEVIN: Yeah, yeah. Where's the bathroom? RYAN: Uh... down the hall. [SCENE_BREAK] JULIE: Okay, you guys, we all need one with all of the kids. Get together. MARISSA: Oh, hey. Has anyone seen Kevin? I think he's still in the bathroom. RYAN: All right, I'll get him. [SCENE_BREAK] RYAN: The, uh, the parents want to take a photo of everyone. We're waiting on you. KEVIN: Fine. RYAN: Look. KEVIN: What now? You going to tell me I can't drink? RYAN: No, actually I don't have a problem with your drinking, but if you screw this up for Marissa, I'm going to kick your ass. KEVIN: Okay. PROM SETH: Oh, my God. You know what this is? ANNA: What? SETH: This is the pirates' cave from Goonies. I've died and gone to heaven. SUMMER: Taylor, this is amazing. MARISSA: Yeah, this is way better than any dance I ever designed. TAYLOR: Oh, my God, Marissa, that means so much to me. You know, I've been saying that, but no one listens. ANNA: Wow, Seth, you and I at prom together, who would have thought. SETH: I know. I guess sometimes things just work out. SUMMER: Laughing boy. Hi. Where's that flask you're always whipping out? KEVIN: Oh, you want to spike the punch? SUMMER: Read my mind. KEVIN: All right. Follow me. MARISSA: That's so unlike you. SUMMER: Big Korea. Hi. Hi. Come on, go. TAYLOR: Why don't I go put my purse down and then we can hit the dance floor? TAYLOR'S DATE: All right. TAYLOR: Okay. SETH: You sure about this? ANNA: Yes, Seth, you're just going to have to trust me. Come on, let's go take a picture with Captain Hook. SETH: All right. ANNA: Come on. TAYLOR: Oh, hi, Lisa. LISA: Hi. TAYLOR: I'm so glad you made it back for prom. LISA: I wouldn't have missed it for anything. Or... I thought you did great on Idol. TAYLOR: Oh, by the way, do you know where Simon gets those skintight V-necks? I totally want to get one for Sung Ho. MARISSA: Have I thanked you yet for coming? KEVIN: Mm, about 40 times. MARISSA: Is something wrong? KEVIN: Your little friend walked off with my flask. MARISSA: Yeah, well, I'm sure she'll bring it back. KEVIN: All right, well, I'm going to go smoke some kush. Want to come? MARISSA: You know, I actually kind of want to enjoy prom, but come find me when you get back. GIRL: Did I hear something about smoking certain substances? 'Cause I know someplace private. KEVIN: Lead the way. COHEN HOUSE SANDY: Maybe I'm being sentimental, but watching the kids head off to the senior prom, I can't help but think, where did the time go. NEIL: I remember the first day that Summer went off to kindergarten. She changed her outfit three times, and she came home from school crying because another girl was wearing the same top. The other girl was Marissa. JULIE: Of course. KIRSTEN: And wasn't it kindergarten that Seth would only answer to Boba Fett? SANDY: Gosh, Boba Fett. That was fourth grade. KIRSTEN: No, it was fifth grade. JULIE: Gosh, you know, I just can't believe that I was only a year older than Marissa is now when I married Jimmy. It's amazing the surprises life brings you. NEIL: Some good, I hope. JULIE: Very good. KIRSTEN: I'd like to propose a toast to the two of you. I'm sorry Sandy and I haven't thrown you an engagement party, but we couldn't be more pleased. SANDY: Thank you. KIRSTEN: Cheers. JULIE: Cheers. NEIL: Cheers. Wouldn't you know? I'm sorry. I have to take this; it's a colleague. I'll be right back. JULIE: Such a busy man. NEIL: Yes. JULIE: Well, I just hope Neil and I are as happy as you and Sandy. NEIL: No, actually, I'm having dinner at his home right now. What's up? Can I tell him? Right. Okay. PROM SETH: All right, I feel good about that. ANNA: All right. SETH: Why don't we go dance? ANNA: Thank you. Like dancing... SETH: I'm just going to go talk to her. ANNA: No, Seth, you can't. SETH: Well, look at her-- she looks miserable. Let alone... kind of plastered. ANNA: Well, that's the point. At least the miserable part. SETH: I don't think I can do this. ANNA: Seth, the plan is working. I mean, it was easy for her to doubt you when you're all begging to get back together with her. But now that she might have really lost you, she's thinking, maybe I should have really believed him. SETH: Really? 'Cause it looks to me like she's describing how she'd use my body for food then feed my bones to the sharks. TAYLOR: Excuse me, can I have your attention, please? Hi. I would like to welcome you all to the Pirate's Ball. Thank you. Okay, now, uh, before I announce your pirate king and queen, I would just like to take this moment to... say that it's been an honor to be your social chair this year... BOY: Just open the envelopes! TAYLOR: Well, excuse me if I have slaved away all year just so you could have a good time.BOY: Boring. TAYLOR: Fine. Oh, um, just so you know, I thought it was only fair to take myself out of the running so no calling for a recount. Okay, uh... Your 2006 queen is... Oh, my God, two years in a row, Summer Roberts. SETH: Oh, my God. MARISSA: Go, Summ! SUMMER: Oh, my God. I don't think you're boring. I love you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. I like you guys, thank you so much. You guys... What's going on? Oh, tiara. Oh, tiara. Okay, thanks. Um, yeah, so thank you so much because being your queen is just... Is it like a million degrees in here or what? Woo, it's hot. TAYLOR: You know what? Perhaps we should find out who your king is. SUMMER: Screw that. You know what? Actually, let me, um... introduce you to my date. Hold this. He's right here. This is my date. He is the number one pop star in Korea. GIRLS: Bang bang. SUMMER: Anyway, I promised him that if I won that I would give him a big fat kiss. SETH: This is not part of the plan. ANNA: She's just fighting it. This is good. SUMMER: How do you like that, Cohen? TAYLOR: Man overboard! Man overboard! MARISSA: Oh, my God. Are you okay? SUMMER: What idiot made that stage so short? SETH: Summer, are you okay? SUMMER: Back off. MARISSA: Whoa, um. SUMMER: Just, everyone leave me alone. SETH: She probably just needs a moist washcloth or maybe like a towelette. ANNA: Cohen. SETH: What? What? Is there a "no towelette" clause in your plan? Because right now I'm thinking phase two kind of sucks. Does anyone have a towelette? Does anyone have a towelette? We must find a towelette! RYAN: Is she all right? MARISSA: Yeah, I think maybe it's time to go to the after-party, though. RYAN: That's a good idea. MARISSA: Hey, I couldn't find Kevin. He just disappeared. RYAN: Okay, I'll find him. MARISSA: Oh, right, I better go... RYAN: Who is it? THERESA: Um, this is the guy, I... I told him I was coming here tonight and I should probably take this. RYAN: I'm sorry, I know, it's gotten a little crazy. THERESA: Yeah. A little crazy. RYAN: Little bit. THERESA: But there's no place that I would rather be. And that's what I'm going to tell him. I'll see you in a minute. MARISSA: Ryan? RYAN: Hey, what are you doing? MARISSA: So Sung Ho and his cousin got Summ in the limo, but have you found Kevin? RYAN: No, no, let's look inside. MARISSA: Oh, he might have come out here to smoke. RYAN: No, he didn't, I checked. MARISSA: You checked? RYAN: Yeah. MARISSA: Why are you being weird? Are you sure he's not out here? Oh, my God. KEVIN: Get out of here. GIRL: What? KEVIN: Get out of here. GIRL: Jerk. KEVIN: Is that it? Can I go now? MARISSA: Why? KEVIN: What did you expect, huh? Did you think you were just going to dress up your bad boy, take him to your little rich kid's party, so your friends can see how cool you are? MARISSA: You know it's not like that. KEVIN: Oh, please. You just wanted to turn me into little bitch boy like him. MARISSA: You're nothing like him. Clearly, I was wrong about you. KEVIN: Finally, you're learning. COHEN HOUSE JULIE: Honestly, Kirsten, I'm so glad you guys are doing better. You really scared me last week. KIRSTEN: I even scared myself. Julie... last week at dinner, I had a drink. JULIE: What?! Oh, my God. KIRSTEN: Now, it was the first in 11 months, it was only one glass, I've been going to AA meetings every day, but it happened. JULIE: Have you talked to Sandy about this? KIRSTEN: No. I tried, even before when I could feel it coming, but... JULIE: Kirsten, you have to tell him. KIRSTEN: That the stress of our marriage has triggered my drinking? JULIE: Yes, that's exactly what you say. KIRSTEN: I am not gonna use my alcoholism as blackmail to save our marriage. If he can't value it for what it is, then what is the point? JULIE: Well, what are you gonna do? KIRSTEN: I don't know. The way things are between Sandy and I right now, I just feel like one push could send us over the edge. BAITSHOP TAYLOR: Hello? Trash cans exist for a reason. Oh... Excuse me. Hi. I have a security deposit on this place, and I'd like it back. RYAN: Hey, so, the guy at the door is gonna let me know if Volchek tries to get in. How you doing? MARISSA: I'm okay. You know, I think I'm just gonna go home, though. THERESA: Marissa, this is your prom. MARISSA: Yeah, it was prom before my boyfriend hooked up with another girl. Um... okay, I'm gonna go get a drink. [SCENE_BREAK] SETH: Summer, it's us. How you feeling? SUMMER: Go away, let me die alone. ANNA: I think it's time for phase three. SETH: There's a phase three? Why didn't you mention that before? ANNA: Duh, there's always been a phase three. The other two were just to make you realize that you don't have a choice. You have to tell her the truth, about everything. SUMMER: Who is she talking about? I bet you think it's really smart because she's the smart girl. ANNA: I'm gonna go. I fly back tomorrow, but I'll see you both in Providence. Summer, feel better. And remember Seth loves you. SETH: Anna, thank you. ANNA: Bye. SUMMER: You know what? I don't think she's that smart. I think that she's dumb. She's got a dumb name and dumb hair. SETH: Listen, I don't expect you to respond or even remember this, but the truth is, I actually didn't get in to Brown. SUMMER: What?! Too fast. SETH: I knew you weren't gonna go if I didn't go, and I didn't want you to do that, and I didn't want you to miss the opportunity, so I broke up with you. SUMMER: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. SETH: Yeah, well, then I realized I couldn't be without you, so I flew there to try and talk my way in. SUMMER: Okay, now that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. But it's very romantic. Did it work? SETH: No, it didn't. But Anna got me an interview at RISD, and they read my comic book, and they really liked it, so... SUMMER: So that's why you were hugging her at the airport? Oh, my God. SETH: Listen, I know I promised I'd never lie again when I gave you that letter. SUMMER: Oh, my God, the letter. SETH: What? SUMMER: Cohen, I have a confession. SETH: Oh, wow. Wow, that's impressive. SUMMER: I love you. SETH: I love you, too. We can kiss later. All right, want me to hold your crown? SUMMER: No! SETH: All right. Hey... rigatoni-- nice. COHEN HOUSE SANDY: What's going on? NEIL: Listen, that call I got was a friend of mine on the hospital board, and, um, there are rumors floating around about certain improprieties concerning Griffin and you. Monday morning the board is gonna suspend Griffin, and they're gonna call for a criminal investigation into the both of you. JULIE: Neil, it's getting late-- I think we should be going. NEIL: Yeah, right. Kirsten, thanks for a lovely evening. KIRSTEN: Oh, my pleasure. JULIE: Well, we'll walk you out. KIRSTEN: Is everything okay? SANDY: Yeah. BAITSHOP RYAN: Well, she's not here-- she must've gone home. THERESA: She'll be okay. You know, you probably don't see it, but she's changed. She's gotten stronger. So have you. RYAN: Yeah? Think so? THERESA: The Ryan I knew would've gotten in a fight with that guy back at the prom. I know part of you still wants to, but you didn't. And that's what matters. RYAN: So, you like the new me. THERESA: Well... he's still not much of a dancer, but... RYAN: What?! You're right, I'm not. THERESA: You know, nothing between us could ever be casual-- there's too much history. RYAN: Yeah, I know. I just don't think that anything should happen tonight. THERESA: Absolutely not. Absolutely... RYAN: Okay, good. TAYLOR: Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God! RYAN: Taylor, what happened? TYLOR: Oh, my God. The money is gone! I had the money in my purse. I had $5,000 in my purse. It's gone. I brought it down at prom-- someone must've taken it. RYAN: We should call the police. You know what, don't bother, don't bother. I know where it is. TAYLOR: What do you mean, you know? I think I'm gonna hyperventilate. THERESA: Is everything okay? RYAN: Yeah, it will be. KEVIN'S PLACE KEVIN: What do you want? RYAN: You decide how this is gonna go. KEVIN: Prom, huh? Hell of a night. You probably think I'm an idiot, huh? Screw things up with Marissa, steal money when everyone's gonna know I took it. RYAN: I don't think about you. But yes, you're an idiot. KEVIN: Maybe it wasn't gonna work out with Marissa. And at least now...you and I can settle this. RYAN: I'm not here to fight you. KEVIN: Sure you are. Otherwise, you'd have called the police. Come on. You know you're dying to. Just give in. RYAN: All right, all right, all right, I get it-- it's about the money. KEVIN: But tell me this. A week from now, if I wanted to, I could have her on her back on that mattress. Now, how does that make you feel?

Plan: A: Right dress; Q: What should you wear to prom? Summary: Right dress. Wrong date. If you can't go to prom with the person you like, go with someone who makes the person you like jealous. There'll be many memories for the Core 4 after this prom. Not all of them will be happy.

"CROSSROADS" Cast Dawson: James Van Der Beek Grams: Mary Beth Peil Joey: Kaite Holmes Bessie: Nina Repeta Pacey: Joshua Jackson Mitch: John Wesely Shipp Jen: Michelle Williams Gail: Mary-Margaret Humes Andie: Meredith Monroe Jack: Kerr Smith *Cut to Dawson's room where a RonCo infomercial for a pasta maker is on and Dawson and Joey are making out. Suddenly, you see light as the bedroom door opens going unnoticed by Dawson and Joey. The camera focuses on the TV where you see a hand slowly reaching for the button to turn it off. The TV goes off and Dawson looks up to find Mitch and Gail Leery. Joey looks up, too.* Dawson: Uh, Mom and Dad...hey. You remember Joey, right? *Cut to a classroom where a police officer is handing back driver's tests.* Police Officer: Good job...*hands a student their paper* Good job...*hands another student their paper* Good job. *Gets to Pacey* Missed it by one point. That's too bad. We really need another juvenile delinquent ??? on the road. Pacey: I knew I shouldn't have studied. See what happens when you study? *getting up and mumbling* Can't wait to enter the world of vehicular freedom. *approaches police officer* Hey, Miss. What do you think it's going to take to change just one little answer on this test? Free videos for a year? Police Officer: You're not trying to bribe me, are you Mr. Witter? Pacey: C'mon, Officer, toss me a break. It's my birthday. Police Officer: Oh, it is. Really. You should have said something....Happy Birthday. *CUT TO Dawson looking in the fridge while his dad is giving him "the talk"* Mitch: ...and because becoming sexually active is a very serious business, I think that it's time you and I talked about it. Dawson: *makes that 'Oh God..' face* Dad, we were just making out. Mitch: Dawson, boy-girl sleepovers are no longer within appropriate boundaries. You know, Joey isn't a little girl anymore which you seemed to have noticed. Dawson: This is so surreal coming from you of all people. Mitch: You know I recently saw a report on the statistical portion of adolescent s*x and contraception. *Dawson rolls his eyes.* Mitch: (cont.) and a sexually active teen who doesn't use contraception stands a 90% chance of becoming pregnant within one year and with that proof less than half *fades out as Dawson closes fridge door* *Cut to Joey walking up to the house. She spots Mrs. Leery and quickens her pace.* Joey: Hi Mrs. Leery. *walks quickly for the door* Mrs. Leery: Oh, Joey! Good. Honey, I'm glad you're here. Honey, come here a sec. *pats the seat next to her.* *Joey's like 'Ohhhh God'...* Mrs. Leery: Honey, this is a terrific book. Reproduction and Repercution. It's all about preventing teen pregnancy. *Joey closes her eyes.* Mrs. Leery: (cont.) So if there's anything that you would like to talk to me about...any s*x questions about anything...you know you can come to me. *Dawson comes out of the front door. He hears the last part of the conversation and looks slightly annoyed and embarressed* Dawson: HEY! Look at the time. We're going to be late. LET's GO. *Joey hurredly grabs her bag and heads for the porch door.* Mitch: Remember, Dawson, no hat, no glove. Gail: No, Mitch, honey. That's no glove, no love. Mitch: You get the point. Gail: Uh, Joey? *Joey turns around. Mrs. Leery taps the book. Joey regretfully takes it. They leave.* Gail: Our baby's growing up. It seems like just a blink ago he was coming home from the hospital. And here we are a thousand years later. Mitch: Clueless as ever. *Gail looks at Mitch who walks away.* *Cut to: Jen's room. Grams is opening the shades.* Grams: And God said, let there be light. *Jen rolls over in bed.* Jen: God, what the hell? Grams: Oh, don't swear, dear, God is listening. Jen: Well, if he were, then he'd know that hell isn't a swear word anymore. You can say it on network tv. Besides, I'm not going to school today. Grams: I'm worried about you, Jennifer. You just don't seem yourself lately. Jen: I'm tired, that's all. Grams: Well, then I want you scrubbed, dressed, and ready for school in 5 minutes. *singing* Rise, shine, *clap* give God your glory, glory. Children of the Lord. *Jen makes a frustrated sound.* *Cut to Capeside High. Pacey slams his bike into the bike rack while Dawson watches.* Dawson: You're going to kill it. Pacey: I failed! Dawson: Midterms? Pacey: Midterms? Like I care, Dawson. I failed my driver's test. Dawson: You might want to take better care of that bike then. Pacey: Very funny. Dawson: You're not going to believe it. Mitch and Gail have gone completely off the deep end. You should have heard them today lecturing Joey and me about the finer points of adolescent sexuality. It was momentously awkward. Pacey: Okay. Did you hear nothing I just said? I failed my driver's test. Today. Of all days, today. Dawson: So you can take it again. Pacey: *looking confused* Yeah, but Dawson I would have really liked to have gotten it today. Dawson: Today, two weeks from now, what's the big deal. Anyways, it was weird. Of course it figures. Joey and I are together for a week and my parents are already shoving condoms in my pocket. Pacey: *looking even more confused* You don't have anything to say to me today? Dawson: *confused* What's up with you? Pacey: Uh, nothing, man. Forget about it. You got your Joey problems. *He walks away.* *Dawson looks off confused.* *Cut to Jen sitting on a pier when Pacey walks up. It looks like they're at lunch?* Jen: Hey? Pacey: Hey. Jen: What are you bumming about? Pacey: Nothing. *Jen looks down.* Pacey: (cont.) I got a bad case of the Molly Ringwald's today. Jen: Let's see, um, in Breakfast Club she gets a detention... in Pretty in Pink she gets dumped before prom... in Sixteen Candles everybody forgets about her birthday.. *Pacey nods.* Jen: Is that it? Is today your birthday? Pacey: The big 1-6. Whoopee. Jen: Happy Birthday, Pace. Pacey: *sincerely* Thank you. It's not so much that my family forgot me. They never make a big deal of this anyhow. But Dawson always made up something. He'd always plan some crazy outing for my birthday. We're supposed to be on a roadtrip to Maine right now, but that's obviously not going to happen. Jen: Let me take a stab at it. Joey and Dawson are so caught up in their budding romantic entanglement that they've forgotten all about your birthday. Pacey: I should be happy for them. I mean, I am happy for them. Jen: Me too. *Pacey looks at her.* Pacey: No you're not. Jen: I know. *They laugh* Jen: You know, I've never been one to pass up a chance at some good ol' fashioned self pity but why don't you give yourself a break? I mean, today's your birthday. Celebrate. It could be good. Remember in Sixteen Candles, how it turned out. Molly Ringwald got the hottest guy in school. Could be you. Pacey: *sarcastic* Yeaaah, cake, party hats, balloons, rock on! Jen: No, I'm serious. Look, so Joey and Dawson forgot all about you. So forget about them. In fact, I think they've forgotten about all of us recently. So c'mon. Live it up. Go out. Have a good time. Meet some new people. Pacey: You know what? You're absolutely right. I mean, I'm sick and tired of being Dawson Leery's sidekick. I'm going to get my own storyline. Jen: There you go. *Pacey gets his stuff.* Pacey: Thanks. *He walks off.* Jen: 'Kay. Yeah... *Cut to Jen picking up clothes from the bleachers. Abby is sitting on the bleachers. It's gym class.* Abby: Well, if it isn't Miss Lindley. Well, let me guess, the lame excuse note expecting to get you out of gym landed you with cleanup duty instead. Jen: Let's just not talk to each other, alright Abby? 'Cause you're obviously here for the same reason, at least you could help me clean up. Abby: Sorry, sweetie. My condition prevents me from engaging in any undue (?) physical exertion. *takes out a note and reading* Please excuse Abigal Morgan from gym this semester as she suffers from pelvic reposis (?) signed Dr. James Fife, L.D. Jen: Isn't that like a V.D. or something? Abby: No, I made it up. Last time I was at my doctor's office I stole some letterheads. It's been invaluable. So don't tell me, you used the menstrual cramps defense. *Jen looks away as she continues picking up.* Abby: God! That excuse is no good. You get out of gym but not cleanup duty. Not so bright for a big city girl. *Jen closes her eyes.* Abby: Then again, your life in New York was probably just as dull as it is here in Capeside. I bet you never even got into a club. Jen: The things and places I have talked myself into and out of would blow your mind. Abby: Yeah, right. *looks curious* So have you ever been to The Curtain or Club Retro. Jen: I did at the dorm room in Curtain and Club Retro is so five minutes ago. Abby: Well what was it like? Jen: What? Abby: New York. I plan on moving there as soon as I graduate from this juvenile detention center. C'mon Jen tell me everything. Jen: *smiling* Well, what do you want to know? Abby: *smiling, too* What do you mean what do I want to know? I want to know about the guys. *They laugh* *Cut to Joey's room. Dawson is sitting on Joey's bed and Joey is laying there.* Joey: You know, as long as I live, Dawson, I think I'll never be as embarressed as I was today. Dawson: I know, my parents live for those coming-of-age-Wonder-Years moments. Joey: Yeah. Dawson: My father's had that book in a drawer since I was born. *Joey laughs* Dawson: All I can say is thank God it was you. I mean, can you imagine if it was just some unexpecting date I just brought home? Joey: I don't know. All I know *crawling over the bed to reach for her journal* is I have to write down your dad's 'No glove, no love' line before I forget. I mean, it's practi-- *She's interrupted by Dawson pulling her over closer to him to where she's leaning on his legs and facing him.* Dawson: When I think about you and me together, it's perfect. *Joey smiles.* Dawson: There's none of that pretentious getting-to-know-you crap. I already know everything there is to know about you. What you think, what you feel. Joey: *surprised at this* Really? Dawson: Yeah. Joey: *skeptical* You think you know everything about me Dawson? Dawson: C'mon Joey we've spent most of our waking, and sleeping for that matter, moments together. Yes, I think it's fairly safe to say that I know everything there is to know about you. *Joey smiles again* Joey: What you don't know about me, Dawson, could fill a book. *She leans in and they kiss. The baby cries in the background* Joey: I hear my life calling. *She kisses him on the forehead.* I'll be right back. *Joey walks into Alexander's room and shuts the door. Dawson picks up a bottle of Joey's perfume and smells it. A picture of Joey with her mom is shown. Dawson eyes find Joey's journal and he picks it up and looks towards Alexander's room. He starts reading a page and his face falls. He sees Joey opening the door and qucikly shuts the book and throws it on the bed. Joey walks back over happily towards the bed.* Joey: I thought Alexander was smiling but it turns out he just had gas. *Dawson gets up off the bed.* Dawson: I'm going to get going. Joey: *confused* What's wrong? Dawson: Nothing. Joey: I thought you had a lot of reading for today, Dawson. Dawson: Um, I've done enough reading for today. *He leaves leaving a confused Joey alone.* *Cut to Pacey hanging up fliers. He stops a kid.* Pacey: Hey, man. Dock party tonight. 8:00. Bailey's Port. Be there! *Pacey stapling another flier and Dawson walks up* Dawson: What's going on? Pacey: Throwing a party. Dawson: Why? Pacey: Oh, you know expanding my horizons. I'm getting older thought I would branch out and take some new chances. Dawson: I accidentily read something last night in Joey's journal. *Pacey hands a flier to some girl* Pacey: Want one of these? Dawson: Quote. "I'm so sick of Dawson and his stupid horror movie. I wish I could tell him how terrible it is. How stupid, and putrid, and...it was awful." Pacey: So what? At least she didn't tell you that the sight of you gives her dry heaves or that you're a self-centered, self-absorbed, *stapling another flier* selfish.. Dawson: Look, obviously she has opinions about me that she hasn't been honest about. She said I was a talentless dreamer with no cinematic future. Pacey: *really angry and irritated* 'Kay. No offense, Dawson, but I don't think anybody cares. Dawson: I care...Pacey. I mean, I could honestly use some advice here. Pacey: Oh, you want some advice? How about this: your life isn't so interesting. Dawson: *confused and surprised* What? Pacey: You know, I am so sick and tired of hearing about you and Joey's boring little mini-dramas. I'm going to start tearing out my fingernails for relief. Get over yourself, Dawson. Deal. *Pacey walks off angry. Dawson is confused...like always...* *Cut to Joey walking out from school and Andie runs and catches up with her.* Andie: You work at the Icehouse, don't you? I saw you there a few nights ago. God, I love that place. Joey: You don't get out much, do you? Andie: Anyways, I'm Andie McPhee. You're Joey, right? *They shake hands* Andie: (cont.) I'm a friend of Pacey Witter's. Well, kind of. Joey: How bold of you to admit that. Andie: Anyway, my brother Jack is looking for a job, you know, busboy, waiter, really anything. So I thought I'd put in a word for him. Joey: Well, actually, we could use the help. Andie: Really? Oh, that's great. He's kind of shy, but he is really smart and super nice once you get to know him. Joey: Okay, well, just tell him to come in and ask for me. Andie: Alright, thanks! *She walks off* *Cut to Joey walking across a bridge. Dawson catches up to her.* Dawson: Joey, hey! Joey: Hey. *They kiss quickly.* Dawson: I was, um, cleaning out my closet this morning and I found the costume that you wore in the movie, and, um, I found the costume that you wore in my movie. And I was just thinking about how good you looked in it... *Joey smiles* Dawson: (cont.) Um, in the outfit. Pretty and vulnerable. And I was just thinking...you know I hope Joey was happy with her performance in the movie. So I guess I'm asking, I'm surprised we haven't discussed this, what did you think of my movie. Joey: I loved it, it was great. You know that, Dawson. Dawson: You'd be honest with me, right? Joey: It was amazing. Extremely talented. It's one of your many attractions. *Dawson stares off.* Joey: Are you alright? Dawson: I just wanted to make sure you didn't think my movie was on the, I don't know, stupid and putrid side. Joey: You're acting weird. Are you having another insecurity attack? C'mon. Dawson: It's really important for me to know that you think I have talent and potential in filmmaking. *Joey's face falls as she comes to a realization.* Joey: *angrily* You read my journal. Dawson: *defensively* You practically left it out for me to see. Joey: *even more angrily* Not unless it blew open..or...or you suddenly developed X-Ray vision. I mean, God, how dare you! You invaded my privacy. I could sue you for this. Dawson: What I'm curious about is what else is in that journal that you don't want me to see? What does Joey Potter really think about me? Joey: Oh, right now, Dawson, you really don't want to know! [SCENE_BREAK] *CUT TO Mitch walking into a building on the pier.* Mitch: Hey, Cole. Cole: Hey Mitch. What's up? Mitch: Ohhhh, not much. Just checking out a warehouse next door for a possible restaurant location. Cole: Very cool. And? Mitch: Rent's a little steep. Cole: Tell me about it. 'Kay buddy, what's really up? Mitch: *looks a little irritated* What do you mean what's up? Nothin'. Whatever, you know, life. Cole: I've known you since the fourth grade. You look like you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders. Talk to me. *Mitch sighs. Cut to: Gail planting flowers. Mrs. Ryan approaches.* Mrs. Ryan: It was so kind of you to send over that delicious casserole when Mr. Ryan passed. Gail: Oh, it was the least I could do. Um, I was wondering, uh, the thing is Mrs. Ryan, I really could use some advice. *Cut back to Mitch and Cole* Cole: My advice is to avoid the big D at all costs, man. Mitch: Well, we've tried everything. I mean, I don't know what's left. Cole: If you divorce her, you'll lose everything. Not to mention becoming a weekend dad to Dawson. Mitch: Believe me I know. You know, I don't even think that she'd mind if I had an affair. It would get her off the hook. Cole: So why not? Mitch: *surprised* What do you mean why not? I'm in a marriage. *Cut to Gail and Mrs. Ryan* Mrs. Ryan: Marriage is all about enduring the jabs and blows. You must do everything and anything in your power to save it. Gail: I've talked till I'm blue in the face. I've cleaned out the entire Marital Aid section at the Pleasure Palace and my Victoria Secret credit card..is maxed. Mrs. Ryan: I was thinking something more along the lines of renewing your wedding vows. I wasn't suggesting that you have an affair. *Cut back to Mitch and Cole* Cole: I'm not suggesting an affair. I'm talking open marriage. Mitch: I knew that the seventies were back in full swing, man, but that is up there with bean bag chairs and lava lamps. Cole: No, just think about it for a minute. In any given marriage you have about an 85% chance of infidelity. Human beings are just not instinctively monogamous, alright? So you take the anaquated(?) knowledge of infidelity and monogamous out of marriage and I guarantee the divorce rate in this country would be absolutely zilch. It works for me and Lisa. *Mitch is thinking.* *Cut to Pacey putting fliers under car windshield wipers* Andie: You know, I hate it when people plaster unsolicited material on private property. Pacey: You know what, McPhee? I really wish you weren't here right now. Andie: Ah, put the charm on hold for a second Pacey, I was just curious on what the occasions for. Pacey: It's my going away party. I'm dying of a heart stripe. Haven't you heard? Andie: Where's your sense of humor? Pacey: Oh, I have a sense of humor. In fact, I have a really good sense of humor. It's just that telling a girl that I'm dying so that she'll go out with me, that's just not funny. Andie: Why you would be interested in someone who's so mentally deficient that she would actually believe that she would actually believe there's such a thing as a heart stripe. *Pacey looks at her.* Andie: Okay, okay. I'm sorry. So really, what's the reason for your little clambake? Pacey: Are you mistaken for the impression that you're actually invited? Andie: Well it says 'Come one, come all' Pacey: No, you gotta read the fine print. It says 'Come one, come all except for spoiled, trust fund casualties from Rhode Island. Sorry. *Cut to Jen's room. Abby and Jen are laying on her bed. Jen hands Abby a picture.* Jen: This is Charlie. The guy I was telling you about. Abby: *with widened eyes* Oh my God! Look at him. Oh, God I would throw my mother off a bridge to go out with somebody like this. Jen: We partied one weekend before he had to ship out....crazy. Abby: I can't believe you have eyes for Dawson Leery, I mean you have lived, sister. *Jen smiles.* Abby: Speaking of partying....since you're not hanging out with Forrest Gump and Company anymore, I was thinking we could do some serious partying of our own. Jen: You mean like steal a pack of cigarrettes from 7-11 and hide behind the bleachers and smoke em? Abby: No. I was thinking Pacey's bogus dock party. I mean, we could crack on the people there. *Jen laughs* Abby: And...a little imported bubbly for our enjoyment. *she raises an eyebrow* *They laugh* *Cut to Dawson following Joey who's waitressing* Dawson: Alright, so I shouldn't have read your journal but c'mon, you can't tell me that all the time that you've been alone in my room that you've never snooped. Joey: Nope. Dawson: Not once? Joey: No. Because I, unlike you, respect your privacy. Dawson: You obviously don't respect my filmmaking abilities. Joey: *angered* Dawson, how I feel about you and your quest to be Spielberg are not the point. You read my journal. This is a huge privacy issue. Dawson: That's exactly the point. How do you feel about my filmmaking abilities? *Jack comes interrupting.* Jack: Hi. I'm, uh, Jack. Joey: Can I help you? Jack: Andie's brother. Joey: Who's Andie? Jack: My sister. Joey: Look, that's fascinating. I don't mean to be rude, but I'm really busy here so if I can help you with anything.. Jack: I'm here to interview for the job. Joey: Ohhhh, yeah right. Job. Andie's brother. Um, have you ever washed dishes before? Jack: No, but I'm willing to learn. Joey: Good. Use over, kitchen's that way. *Jack is a little overwhelmed.* Dawson: I admit what I did was wrong, but Joey you lied to me. You've been lying to me. Joey: What? Don't turn this around and make me the bad guy. You violated me. You betrayed me. Dawson: Tell me, where you ever planning on telling me the truth? Joey: Why should I? I just thought I'd write it all down then have you over to study! Dawson: Stop making jokes, Joey. This is a really big deal. You were completely dishonest. Joey: You're right, Dawson. It is a big deal. But the big deal isn't what you read. The big deal is that you read it. Dawson: I apoligized for that already! Jack: Excuse me? Do you have a second? Could you please tell your sister I work here now? She's not letting me in the kitchen. *He walks away.* Dawson: I'm glad I read it actually. Because now I realize I don't think I know you at all. Joey: Maybe you don't, Dawson. Maybe you never did. *Cut to Pacey stringing up lights on the dock and Andie walks up decked out for the party in a bikini top and skirt.* Andie: Hi. Pacey: Hi if it isn't Andie McPhee the rich girl in town. What happened? They cancel your polo match? Andie: Look, Pacey, if you want me to leave I will. Pacey: No, no, that's okay. Actually, you're the only person I recognize here, and I ask ya, how sad is that? Andie: Don't worry. Parties always take awhile to get going. Though you might have worked a DJ into your budget. Pacey: 'Kay. Can't say it hasn't been pleasant talking to you, but don't you think you should get out and mingle and meet some new people? Andie: Yeah, I probably should. But new people make me nervous. I never know what to say and then eventually I just clam up totally. Pacey: Are you joking? Because you haven't stopped talking since the moment I met you. Andie: Well, you don't make me nervous. You make me mad. Mad beats nervous. Pacey: 'Kay, why don't you just go mingle now? Yeah? Andie: You go mingle. Pacey: Okay. Andie: Okay....hey! You're in luck. Another varsity cheerleader/rocket scientist and she's checkin' you out. Pacey: She's looking at me? *Andie nods.* Pacey: You know, I haven't had a whole lot of luck with the senior cheerleaders this year. Andie: Luck has nothing to do with it. Some older women happen to like younger men. *Pacey kind of laughs.* Andie: So, go ahead. Go talk to her. What have you got to lose? Pacey: Oh, I don't know, dignity, humility, face... Andie: It's not like you had any of those in the first place. Pacey: You know what McPhee? I really wish I made you nervous. *She gives that 'I'm glad I'm ticking you off' smile* *As Pacey walks towards the girl some people are playing volleyball and it hits Pacey in the back of the head. He shrugs it off and takes a drink of his soda. Then he sees some guy pick up the girl he was going to talk to. He walks down the dock until he comes upon a group of 4 girls in a boat.* Pacey: Hey Ladies. Havin' a good time? OneGirl: What is this? *she dumps her drink out on the ground. Pacey keeps walking and bumps into two people. They laugh. Pacey laughs sarcastically* Pacey: Sooo funny! *Dawson approaches the dock in a speedboat. Pacey notices.* *Cut to Jen and Abby on the dock, obviously a little drunk* Jen: How many drinks have I had? Because I think three is my limit before I get really wild. Abby: Tooo laaatteee *swings the wine bottle through the air* *They laugh* *Jen takes another drink and falls down and starts laughing.* Abby: Okay, I bet you the rest of this bottle that you don't have the berries(?) to kiss the next guy that comes up those stairs. Jen: Well, you're on, sister friend! *They laugh as Dawson comes up the stairs and Jen turns around* Jen: DAWSON! *kisses him* *Dawson pries her arms off him* Dawson: Whoa Jen! What are you doing? What is wrong with you? *Jen smiles instantly and then slowly goes down the stairs* Abby: *pushes Dawson* Nice going, Romeo. *Dawson stands there surprised.* *Cut to Joey at the Icehouse. She's staring out the window then she goes back to washing the tables off. Jack is looking at her.* Joey: What? Jack: Nothing. *Joey walks over* Jack: First fight? Joey: What? Jack: With your boyfriend. Joey: Hardly. Well, actually, um, yeah, as girlfriend and boyfriend. I mean, as friends we fought constantly but it's different now. Jack: Which means you haven't had your first makeup either. *Joey looks at him.* Jack: Go ahead, I'll lock up. Joey: I can't. I mean, Bessie would kill me, but thanks. Jack: What? You think I'm going to take off with your secret recipe for tarter sauce? *whispers* It's not that good. Joey: Oh. *smiles* Think you can handle it? Jack: Turn off lights, lock the door... Joey: What the hell? Thanks Jack. *hands him her apron.* *As she leaves she hears a glass drops, she stops for a second but keeps going.* *Cut to Dawson and Pacey* Dawson: Hey. Pacey: *angrily* What's up? Dawson: Alright, look, I don't know what's going on between us but obviously it's something that set you off. Pacey: Me? I can't imagine what that would be. Hm. Dawson: Look, I'm about 2 seconds away from blowing it with Joey. You and I know everything about each other and I really need your advice. Pacey: You know everything about me, huh? You know how I got this scar on my chin? You know why my father hates me? You know why I ride the fine line between insecurity and self-confidence? Correct me if I'm wrong, Dawson, but you don't know the answer to any of those questions. In fact, I bet you don't even know when I was born! *Dawson thinks and realizes he forgot.* Dawson: Oh my God. Oh my, it's your birthday. Oh, Pacey I'm so sorry, God. I'm such an idiot you were trying to tell me all day it was your birthday, too. And you were supposed to get your driver's license today. Pacey: Yeah but that didn't work out either. But I bet you forgot that too, didn't you? Dawson: No, we were supposed to go to Maine. I can't believe I forgot. Look, I'll make it up to you. Tomorrow night, you and me we'll do whatever you want. Pacey: Do you see this look on my face that I'm trying so hard to conceal? It has nothing to do with my birthday. It has nothing to do with the driver's test and it certainly has nothing to do with roadtripping to Maine. I came to this dark realization that everyone in Capeside has either written me off, demanding me unworthy of their time or their concerns AND the conclusion that I came to today, on my 16th birthday, is that my best friend in the world looks at me the very same way. Dawson: Pacey! How can I fix this? Pacey: You can't. Everything's different now. You've got Joey and our friendship just doesn't compare to what you two have, okay? I'm just not a third wheel type. Maybe we'll take that roadtrip next year. *Cut to Dawson's house. Mitch is reading and Gail comes in.* Gail: Good book? You know I was thinking about doing some redecorating. *Mitch keeps on reading.* Gail: Any thoughts? Mitch: No, whatever you think. *Gail starts kissing him on the head and moves lower. Mitch gets up.* Mitch: I don't want a divorce, Gail, but, um, we've gotta make some changes here and move on. Living life status quo is killing us. Gail: I know. Mitch: Okay, um, I was talking to a friend of mine about s*x within the marriage and s*x outside of the marriage and how it's a common factor in most marital problems. Gail: We take the s*x out of our marriage? Mitch: God, no. This is about honesty. And we've lost that. And I just need to, we gotta open this thing up and explore some new possibilities. And I grant you it's a paradox to try to reclaim honesty by...by.. Gail: By what? Reclaim our honesty by what? Mitch: Gail, do you wanna try having an open marriage? *She laughs but considers it.* *Cut to Dawson in the rain. He spots Joey. He smiles. They walk towarsd each other. It's romantic. They get closer to each other and they lean in and Joey puts her head on Dawson's shoulder and he does the same on hers. Awwwwwwwww. Cut to Dawson and Joey sitting on a ledge. The rain has stopped.* Dawson: I forgot Pacey's birthday. I'm his best friend and I forgot his 16th birthday. Joey: Is he alright? Dawson: No. He's really hurt and he's angry and he's not speaking to me. And I really don't blame him. Joey: Sorry Dawson. Dawson: Yeah, I pretty much suck. You know how Leery is. You know what it is, Joey, maybe I am the world's worst filmmaker. Maybe I'd be better off being a cook(?) somewhere. Maybe all my dreams are bogus and maybe there will be people lined up from here to Hollywood someday to tell me that. I just never thought you'd be one of them. Joey: Dawson, I'm not going to let you off the hook for what you did. I mean, it was wrong of you to go inside of my head and take my thoughts and my feelings without my consent. Dawson: Joey, I know. Believe me, I know. I'm so sorry I ever read them. Joey: Though, I don't owe you any explanation, I do owe you the truth because I have always been honest with you. The truth is...I've had these feelings for you for a long time, Dawson. And I hit a yearning, I've been squelching. I don't know, somedays it would just make me so mad at me, and us, and I had to take it somewhere and unleash it. It's my way of coping. It's where I go to trash life. And so it's not necessarily the truth, it's what I'm feeling at that particular day at that particular time. I save the truth for you, Dawson. I've always believed in you. I mean, you're the most extraordinary, talented person that I've ever met. I'm your biggest fan. Dawson: I'm glad I don't know everything about you because everyday you amaze me. *There's a silence and Joey smiles.* Joey: Good! *They laugh and lean in and kiss* *Cut to Jen and Abby* Abby: You can bet those two won't be the poster couple for abstinence much longer. Jen: What? Joey and Dawson? Yeah right. Jo will hold out and then he'll get sick and tired of it. Abby: Oh come on. They've been sleeping together in the same bed. There's not much more you need to know about each other if you know what I mean. Jen: No, they're like brother and sister. I mean, Dawson even told me so himself. He doesn't ever think of her sexually. Abby: Well, maybe they're pretending like they're in Kentucky. Jen: Abby that doesn't help. Abby: What? Jen: Look at me, I'm a mess. Abby: Oh, don't say that. You have more style and s*x appeal in your little finger then that white trash loser. Jen: I want him back. Abby: God, why? Jen: 'Cause I love him. Abby: Look, that's just the booze talking. Jen: No, I'm serious. I love him and I want him back. Abby: Alright. Then we're going to get him back for you. *Jen smiles.* Jen: 'Kay. *Cut to Pacey sitting on a dock. Andie walks up.* Andie: This is for you. *She hands him a gift.* It's not much. *Pacey looks at the gift.* Andie: Well it is your birthday, isn't it? Pacey: How'd you know? Andie: I'm psychic. Okay, I heard you and that guy, Dawson, arguing about it. I had it in the car, anyways. I was going to give it to my brother for Christmas but I kind of, well, forgot about it. Anyway, go ahead. Open it. *Pacey opens it. It's a Magic 8 Ball* Andie: Ask it a question. Pacey: Will I pass my driver's test on the next try? *He shakes it. They read the answer.* Pacey: Signs point to yes. What is my future? *Shakes it* Pacey: Cannot predict now. Here. Andie: Okay um.. *She shakes it and accidentily drops it into the water.* Andie: Oh no! I'm sorry. Pacey: That can't be a good sign. Andie: I'm sorry. Pacey: *shrugs* It's the thought that counts. Andie: I've always been this complete clutz. Some things never change. Pacey: Everything changes. Everybody changes. 'Cept for me. Take this stupid party for example. I thought I could be Pacey Witter, the guy who throws a good party but no, I'm still Pacey Witter, the guy who's failing biology, but now I'm a year older. Andie: You know, maybe you're just Pacey Witter the guy who's still trying to figure it out. Pacey: Well.. Andie: What? Pacey: We are so deep. *Cut to Dawson and Joey making out on the dock* Dawson: Hey you think you can get home okay? I've got to get back. I've got to try to talk to Pacey. Joey: Yeah. *She kisses him and kisses him on the forehead.* I'll be fine. *Cut to Jen's house. Jen's looking in the mirror. Cut to Dawson and Pacey.* Pacey: Ah, the perfect end to a perfect party. Dawson: Listen Pacey, I've been a really lousy friend lately and there is no excuse for forgetting your birthday but it's not because I've written you off, alright? This Joey thing has been so incredibly confusing and complicated and.. Pacey: Dawson, Dawson, Dawson, it's okay, man. I'm happy for you two. You deserve happiness. GOD KNOWS it took long enough. The only thing that I was trying to say is there are certain things that I'm going to miss as your friend but that's natural you know? No big deal Dawson: It's a very big deal. Maybe my actions have not exactly tested that lately but just because everything is complicated and everything is changing but nothing is ever going to change so much that you're not going to be my best friend. *Pacey smiles and there's silence.* Pacey: Are we having a moment? Dawson: Yeah I think we are....Let's go. Pacey: Alright. *They get in the boat.* Dawson: Man, that's really too bad about your license. Pacey: No, that's alright. I can take the test again in a couple weeks. Dawson: Well maybe you need some more practice. Pacey: Oh, please. You and I both know I've been breaking that state law for at least the last 3 years. Dawson: No, I mean right now. Pacey: What? Dawson: I know where the keys to the Mitch mobile are. Pacey: Dawson, please. Your father would kill you. Dawson: Don't wuss out on me now Pacey. Pacey: Listen, Dawson, we're cool you don't have to do this now. Dawson: Maybe I want to. *They start speeding off in the boat* Dawson: Pacey? Pacey: Yeah? Dawson: Happy Birthday. Pacey: Thanks, bro.

Plan: A: Joey; Q: Who's journal entry leaves Dawson fretting? A: Pacey; Q: Who's birthday did Dawson forget? A: 16th; Q: What birthday did Dawson forget? A: Abby; Q: Who encourages Jen to tell Dawson she wants him back? A: Jack; Q: Who gets a job at the Ice House? A: the Ice House; Q: Where does Andie's brother Jack get a job? A: Gail; Q: Who is stunned by Mitch's alternative to divorce? A: an open marriage; Q: What does Mitch suggest to Gail? Summary: An entry in Joey's journal leaves Dawson fretting so much, he completly forgets Pacey's 16th Birthday and their plans. Jen encouraged by Abby finds herself sharing the fact she wants Dawson back.Andie's brother Jack gets a job at the Ice House.Gail is stunned by Mitch's alternative to divorce- an open marriage.

3.02 - Haunted Leg OPEN AT ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Lorelai, Rory, and Emily are sitting in the living room] RORY: Well, this is nice, isn't it? [pause] So, Grandma, Grandpa is traveling again, huh? EMILY: Yes, he is. RORY: Business must be good. EMILY: Seems to be. RORY: That's great. Isn't that great, Mom? LORELAI: A jig is forthcoming. RORY: Mom's business is great, too. I mean, not that it's without its problem, you know, but they're usually funny problems. . .like, um. . .oh! Mom, why don't you tell Grandma about the mouse? EMILY: What mouse? RORY: Mom? LORELAI: There's a mouse at the inn. EMILY: Is the place dirty? LORELAI: No, it's just surrounded by this thing called nature and. . .mice happen. EMILY: Mice carry diseases, you know. LORELAI: It's a tiny little field mouse, Mom. EMILY: I don't care how big it is, it's still a rodent. LORELAI: Let's just change the subject, shall we? EMILY: You should set a trap. LORELAI: Got it covered. EMILY: Just make sure you don't use poison. LORELAI: Got it covered. EMILY: They will eat the poison and then go into the walls and die, decompose, and the entire place will smell. LORELAI: I've got it covered, but thanks. EMILY: I just have to say, I don't know why you're the one sitting here with an attitude. I'm the one who should be mad. LORELAI: Let's not do this, okay Mom? EMILY: After all, you're the one who just walked out of here last week without saying a word. LORELAI: Because I couldn't get a word in. EMILY: Your father and I were shocked and upset. LORELAI: So what else is new? EMILY: You didn't give us five minutes to digest the news. LORELAI: Please, find the off switch. EMILY: You simply dumped it on us and walked out. I hardly think that's fair. LORELAI: Mom, it doesn't matter. It's over. Let's just move on, okay? We came here to have a nice evening, so. . .come on, let's have it. [picks up the newspaper from the coffee table] RORY: Something smells good. EMILY: Braised lamb shank. RORY: Oh, braised lamb shank! I love a lamb shank when it is braised. LORELAI: Oh my God. EMILY: Reading in front of other people is extremely rude, Lorelai. LORELAI: Shauna Christy shot her husband. EMILY: What? LORELAI: Shauna Christy, you remember Shauna Christy. EMILY: Yes, I remember Shauna Christy, she was a lovely girl. LORELAI: Well, apparently this lovely girl came home to find her husband giving the nanny a nice little bonus package. And they say good help is hard to find. EMILY: That's just gossip. LORELAI: Gossip? The man was shot thirty-five times. He looks like a sprinkler system. EMILY: I can't believe this. Shauna was always such a nice girl. She was bright, cultured, well-spoken. LORELAI: And apparently a big Annie Oakley fan. EMILY: This is not funny, the woman committed a crime. LORELAI: Okay, fine. EMILY: This is a tragedy. LORELAI: My bad, sorry. EMILY: A man is dead, a young woman ruined. LORELAI: Consider the subject dropped. EMILY: At least she had a husband to kill. LORELAI: This is nice, isn't it? CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai and Rory are sitting at a table; Lorelai sneezes] RORY: Bless you. LORELAI: Thank you. Ugh, I hate having a cold. RORY: I know you do. LORELAI: Ugh, it's bad enough being sick, but anybody can have a cold. RORY: I know they can. LORELAI: I mean, I'd like to have a good illness, something different, impressive. Just once I'd like to be able to say, "Yeah, I'm not feeling so good, my leg is haunted." RORY: See, there's a reason why you only take one packet of TheraFlu at a time. LORELAI: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [Luke brings their food] LUKE: All right, pancakes, one fried egg, side of bacon. Chicken noodle soup, side of mashed potatoes. RORY: Thanks, Luke. LORELAI: Thanks. LUKE: How's the cold coming? LORELAI: It's fine. LUKE: Any better? LORELAI: It's fine. LUKE: It's the third day in a row you've ordered soup for breakfast. LORELAI: Oh, thanks for the tally. LUKE: You know what helps get rid of a cold? LORELAI: Endless vague questioning first thing in the morning? LUKE: A healthy immune system. LORELAI: My second guess. LUKE: And you know how you get a healthy immune system? LORELAI: Remember when you hated me? That was fun, wasn't it? LUKE: Is it eating nothing but crap all day and blowing out your brain cells with coffee? RORY: No. LUKE: That's right, no. LORELAI: Why are you helping him? RORY: No seemed like the right answer. LUKE: Eat a vegetable now and then, maybe some high fiber cereal in the morning. LORELAI: Listen, Grandpa, my soup's getting cold. LUKE: At least eat the carrots in the soup this time, not just the noodles. LORELAI: I promise. [Luke walks away; Lorelai holds her bowl of soup toward Rory] LORELAI: Eat my carrots. RORY: Apparently, maturity is extremely overrated in your universe. LORELAI: That's right. The Empress Bobo Belle forbids it. Eat. [Jess' girlfriend Shane walks up to Jess at the counter] SHANE: Hey. JESS: Hey. [they kiss] SHANE: So? JESS: One sec. SHANE: Jess. JESS: Relax. I'm out. Let's go. SHANE: Okay. [they leave] LORELAI: Ladies and gentlemen, an entire conversation in ten words or less. RORY: A true meeting of the minds. [Dean walks up to their table] DEAN: Okay, so, uh, please don't hate me, but I already ate breakfast. RORY: See, nice full sentences. DEAN: What? LORELAI: Don't ruin it. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [Lorelai and Michel are looking into the fireplace] LORELAI: You're sure? MICHEL: Positive. It ran right across the lobby and into the fireplace. LORELAI: I don't see it. MICHEL: Well, it must've found a hole to crawl into. LORELAI: We cannot have this mouse running around the inn. Customers will freak. MICHEL: Well, tell them it's a baby. People love babies. They'll talk to it in funny voices. LORELAI: Did you call an exterminator? MICHEL: Why, no, what a wonderful idea. I was actually going to fasten a large wedge of cheese to my head and lay on the ground until Mickey gets hungry and decides to crawl out and snack on my face. LORELAI: When does he get here? MICHEL: He said we were the first stop. LORELAI: What do we do until them? MICHEL: Make cat sounds? [Kirk walks into the inn carrying a package] KIRK: Excuse me, Lorelai? LORELAI: Oh, hey Kirk. Hold on a sec. [to Michel] Just stand here and make sure it doesn't come out. MICHEL: Oh, goody, a promotion. LORELAI: [walks over to Kirk] Hi Kirk. What can I do for ya? KIRK: I have a delivery for Sookie. LORELAI: Oh, well, anything good? KIRK: No, just some wedding photos. LORELAI: Great. Well, she stepped out for a minute, but I'll take them to her. I swear, I'll give them to her. If you want, I'll leave and find her and then I'll give them to her. KIRK: No, that won't be necessary. LORELAI: Okay, well. . . KIRK: Uh, Lorelai, can I speak to you for a moment? LORELAI: Oh, sure. KIRK: Could we sit? LORELAI: Sit. . .sure, let's sit. [they sit down on the sofa] Is everything okay? KIRK: Okay? LORELAI: Yes. KIRK: With me? LORELAI: Yes. KIRK: Well, my mother has developed a condition – makes her knees enormous. Yesterday I spent all morning cutting holes in her pants so she could sit, but other than that and the dyspeptic parrot problem, everything is fine. LORELAI: Well, good, I'm glad. Okay, well, um, I'm gonna – KIRK: I was just wondering . . . LORELAI: Yes. . .wondering what? KIRK: We've known each other for a good amount of time now. Our, uh, paths have crossed professionally and socially a number of times, all with relatively pleasant results, and well, I was just wondering if you would like to have dinner with me? LORELAI: Oh. KIRK: In two weeks. LORELAI: Two weeks? KIRK: I heard you have a cold. I think two weeks is enough time to ensure the virus is out of your system. LORELAI: Well, Kirk, I – KIRK: You don't have to answer me right away. I know that this is completely out of the blue for you. Take a few days and think about it. [starts walking toward the door] LORELAI: Kirk, wait. KIRK: By the way, I think you might be the prettiest girl I've ever seen. . .outside of a really filthy magazine. LORELAI: Thank you. [Kirk leaves; Lorelai walks past Michel] LORELAI: Don't. MICHEL: I am doing nothing. Ben, however, has dropped dead from laughter. CUT TO RORY'S BEDROOM [Rory wakes up and sees Lorelai sitting in a chair staring at her] RORY: How long have you been sitting there? LORELAI: Not long. An hour. . .and a half. RORY: Why? LORELAI: Because. RORY: ‘Cause why? LORELAI: Because today is the last first day of high school you're ever gonna have. RORY: You're insane. LORELAI: I'm not insane, I'm just sentimental, and you're grown. RORY: I'm not grown. LORELAI: Yes, you are, you're all grown up and soon you'll be going off into the world. RORY: Not yet. LORELAI: But soon. And after you spread those wings and fly away, I won't have the opportunity to give you this. [Lorelai hands her a piece of paper] RORY: What is it? LORELAI: It's your bill. RORY: My what? LORELAI: Yeah. I've been crunching the numbers, you know, adding up what you've cost me over the years – raising you, clothing you, feeding you, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. RORY: Mmhmm. LORELAI: Yes, I've itemized everything here by years and income ratio. I thought you could factor it into your student loan. RORY: Oh boy. LORELAI: One thing that's painfully obvious here – you've used an extraordinary number of diapers. RORY: I'm gonna go take a shower. LORELAI: Really, it's cost a fortune. What were you using all those diapers for? RORY: I was building my ‘make Mommy go away' castle. LORELAI: All right, you got home too late last night and I didn't get a chance to talk to you. RORY: I got home at ten and you were already asleep. LORELAI: Well, I was trying to watch The Legend of Bagger Vance again. RORY: Okay, what did I miss? LORELAI: Okay. Kirk asked me out. RORY: Shut up! LORELAI: Yesterday he came to the inn and asked me to dinner. RORY: That's so sweet. LORELAI: Sweet? RORY: You should wear your dress with the ponies on it. I bet he likes ponies. LORELAI: Rory, I cannot go out with Kirk. RORY: Why? LORELAI: Uh huh. . .why? He's. . .he's Kirk! RORY: Well, as long as he loves you. LORELAI: You are not serious. RORY: I just want you to be happy. LORELAI: "Hello Headmaster Charleston, this is my stepfather Kirk. Please don't make any sudden movements, he's a fear biter." RORY: Okay, so how will you let him down? LORELAI: I don't know. That's why I needed to talk to you, you're the nice one in the family. RORY: Well, you could just tell him the truth. You could tell him that you're not interested in dating him and that you just wanna be friends. LORELAI: That sounds so lame. RORY: You could tell him you're involved with someone. LORELAI: Yeah, because my current karma is so great in that area, I can really afford to jinx it with that kind of lie – no! RORY: Okay, then you figure it out. LORELAI: All right. . .we're gonna have to move. RORY: Okay. LORELAI: Take off in the middle of the night, leave everything behind, assume different identities. I'll join a local community theater and I'll drive you to soccer. It'll work for many years until the FBI comes to get me, and by that time, you're on your own. RORY: I don't play soccer. LORELAI: You do now. [they walk into the kitchen; as they start getting out stuff for breakfast, Rory laughs.] LORELAI: Stop! RORY: It's funny. LORELAI: It's not funny, it's bad! I have to see this guy. He works at every business in town, I can't get away from him! RORY: Well, then you should marry him and move in with his mother. LORELAI: I'll handle it myself, thank you very much. RORY: Sorry, just trying to help. LORELAI: So you have your swearing in ceremony today. RORY: At three, do not be late. LORELAI: I will not be late. RORY: Okay, I have something to tell you. LORELAI: Is it about Vince Foster? RORY: It's about Grandma. LORELAI: Oops. RORY: She's coming today. LORELAI: No! RORY: Mom, I'm sorry. She found out about it, she called. . . LORELAI: And you said yes? RORY: She's my grandmother. LORELAI: So? RORY: So what am I supposed to say? LORELAI: Say "Sorry, Grandma, but if my mother sees you, she'll run screaming down the hall." RORY: You'll be sitting there listening to the ceremony, you hardly have to talk at all. LORELAI: Rory. RORY: Hey, we are family. LORELAI: Yeah, well, look how great that worked out for Sister Sledge. RORY: I'm gonna go take a shower. You'll be pouting out here when I'm done? LORELAI: No, I gotta go to work. I'll see you this afternoon. RORY: At three. LORELAI: There goes my little vice president, off to rule the world. RORY: Well, Paris will be ruling the world. I will be holding her keys. LORELAI: I'm still proud of you. RORY: I appreciate it. LORELAI: Honey, you have power, brains, now all you need is a dimwitted, drunken or drug-addicted relative to constantly humiliate you while you serve in office. RORY: Will you work on that for me? LORELAI: Two steps ahead of you. CUT TO CHILTON [Rory is standing in the hallway as Lorelai runs up to her] LORELAI: Ah, time? RORY: 3:01. LORELAI: No, oh man, not fair, stupid traffic lights! RORY: That's okay, it doesn't start ‘til 3:15. LORELAI: But I so tried to . . . you lied to me. RORY: Did I? LORELAI: You said it was at three, and it's at three-fifteen. RORY: Well, I guess I did. LORELAI: Ah! That's it, I'm standing up in the middle of your speech and demanding a recount. RORY: Shall we seat you? LORELAI: Betrayed, lied to and humiliated. [they walk into the auditorium] RORY: Well, get used to it – I am in politics now. LORELAI: Hey, where's, uh. . . RORY: She's not here yet. LORELAI: You told her the real time, didn't you? RORY: Well, Grandma can handle structure. How's this? LORELAI: Fine. RORY: Okay, great. You can sit there and you can put your purse on that chair to save it for Grandma. LORELAI: Oh, yeah, great idea. RORY: Mom. LORELAI: Fine, yeah, saving the seat. [sits down and puts her purse on the chair next to her] There, all saved. RORY: Thank you. Now, I'll meet right outside afterwards, okay? LORELAI: Okay. I just want you to remember three things while you're sitting up there: I love you, you're the greatest kid in the world, and you're in a skirt, keep your knees closed. RORY: Bye. LORELAI: Hey, this is good advice. When I was in school, Linda Lee was class treasurer and she could not keep her knees closed if they were magnetized. Hanes should've given her an endorsement deal. [Rory walks away; Lorelai takes her purse off the seat next to her and holds it on her lap...then puts it back on the chair...then picks it back up again. She's about to put it back on the chair when Emily walks up] EMILY: Lorelai! LORELAI: Hi Mom. EMILY: [sits down] You could've put your handbag there to save my seat, you know. [cut to Headmaster Charleston at the podium on stage] HEADMASTER: Ladies and Gentlemen, I welcome you. Assemblies like this are always happy ones for me, initiating in a new group of school leaders. Chilton's always prided itself on the quality of its student government, and this year we may have outdone ourselves. These young men and women up on this stage represent the best and the brightest of what this school has to offer. Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to present to you your student body government of 2003. [applause] [cut to later in the ceremony] RORY: [at podium] . . .a larger awareness of the world around us. Problems that not only face us here at school but will face us when we leave school, and more importantly, will face the next generation that follows us. We must learn that our actions have consequences, that someone else will have to clean up our mess. We need to figure out how to make that mess a little smaller. If a small fraction of these things can be accomplished this year, then I will feel like our administration has done its job. Thank you. [applause] [cut to later in the ceremony] PARIS: [at podium] In the past, all great empires have fallen. The feeling seems to be that it's inevitable – that something like what the Romans built could not last. Maybe they're right. Maybe there is no way of keeping something that big and prosperous permanently. Maybe there is no way of keeping our legacy from becoming obsolete. Well, I intend to fly in the face of such thinking, and damn it, I will succeed. I certainly don't wanna come back here twenty years from now on Alumni's Night and find this place turned into a high priced charm school, pink and white with big cheerleading megaphones painted on the walls. I wouldn't be able to take it. I would have to dismantle the place stone by stone with my bare hands. . . [cut to later in the ceremony] ALL STUDENTS ON STAGE: I have faith in the Chilton Handbook, so let it be forever. HEADMASTER: Congratulations and good luck. [applause] CUT TO HALLWAY [Lorelai and Emily are waiting outside the auditorium.] EMILY: Is Rory coming out? LORELAI: That's what she said. It was a nice ceremony. EMILY: Yes, it was. LORELAI: Long. EMILY: Very long. LORELAI: The longest. EMILY: Lorelai – RORY: [walking up to them] Hey. You're both here. LORELAI: Yeah, we're here. EMILY: Of course we're here. We wouldn't have missed it for the world. You looked wonderful up there, Rory. LORELAI: Yeah, good job with the knees. RORY: Thank you. I'm gonna run to my locker and get my backpack, then we can go. LORELAI: I'll be here. RORY: Bye Grandma. [walks away] LORELAI: You know, you don't have to wait, Mom, if you have things to do. EMILY: Oh. . .well, all right. [starts to walk away, then turns back] Lorelai, I was wondering if we could have lunch. LORELAI: Lunch? EMILY: Yes, just the two of us. LORELAI: Oh, well – EMILY: Tomorrow would be good for me. LORELAI: Tomorrow, lunch tomorrow, lunch with you tomorrow. . . EMILY: We can do it anywhere you'd like. Perhaps at that Luke's Diner you two seem to love so much. LORELAI: Lunch – at Luke's – with you? Wow, I can't even put the visual together. EMILY: I can meet you there at one. LORELAI: One? Well – EMILY: If one isn't good, you pick a time. I'll make it work. LORELAI: All right. One o'clock at Luke's. EMILY: Wonderful. I'll see you then. CUT TO CHILTON CAFETERIA [Several students are sitting at a table as Paris walks around them talking] PARIS: Look, let's face it, the last administration might have just as well been running around yelling ‘Toga!' for all the brilliant things they accomplished. But this year – everything changes, starting with the library. It's completely out of proportion with its subjects. I mean, there's five hundred volumes on the French Revolution, yet only three on the Crusades. How do they expect us to get a decent education with inferior resources like that? Huh, seems like the hour's almost up. Okay, well, I think this has been an extremely successful first gathering. I appreciate all the class presidents coming and being on time. So before I adjourn this meeting, is there anything anyone would like to say? RORY: People's names might have been nice. FRANCIE: Actually, I have something I'd like to put on the table to be discussed. PARIS: Oh, okay. Well, we only have a couple of minutes, so give us the Reader's Digest version. FRANCIE: As president of the senior class, a certain problem has been brought to my attention. For the past thirty years, the Chilton regulations have stated that skirts must be no higher than three-quarters of an inch above the knee, that's it. Any higher, the student gets written up. I propose to put to an immediate vote an amendment to raise hemlines an additional inch and a half. PARIS: Hemlines? FRANCIE: That's right. PARIS: That's the major issue on the senior class' mind? FRANCIE: It's one of the major issues, yes. PARIS: Well, okay – thank you, Francie, for giving us something really important to mull over here. I anticipate a lot of sleepless nights for many of the people in this room. I will take that under advisement and get back to you as soon as I can. FRANCIE: Oh, okay, fine. Thanks. PARIS: Now, if that's it, I officially call the first meeting of the Chilton student body presidents to a close. I'll see you all Friday. [bangs gavel on the table] GIRL: What idiot gave her a gavel? [Rory walks up to Paris] RORY: Okay, see, the whole point of having an informal ‘get to know you' gathering was actually to have an informal ‘get to know you' gathering. PARIS: What's your point? RORY: You just spent an hour walking around talking about your agenda. PARIS: I'm student body president – that's my job. RORY: But we got donuts, and we didn't touch the donuts. The donuts are still sitting next to the coffee that we never passed out. We were supposed to spend this time to talk, bond, get to know each other. PARIS: Geez, Rory, we've been sitting in a room together for sixty minutes – what else do you want, a ring? FRANCIE: Hi. Excuse me, Paris? I just wanted to say on behalf of the entire senior class, congratulations on your win and I'm really looking forward to working very closely with you this year. PARIS: Thanks. FRANCIE: Okay. See you later. Bye Rory. You two are gonna make a great team. [leaves] PARIS: Yes, the jerseys are coming on Friday. [to Rory] Okay, I'm gonna drop the demand for the librarian's resignation tonight. You wanna read it before I send it? RORY: Are you sure the first thing you wanna do in office is to get a ninety-three year old woman sacked? PARIS: Hey, at least I'm not putting her on an iceberg and shoving her off to sea, which considering the fact that you can't find the Shakespeare section without psychic powers yet the Cliffs Notes rack practically smacks you in the face on the way in, is totally justified. RORY: And we're off. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [Sookie walks up to Lorelai in the lobby] SOOKIE: Okay, I just got a message that a vegetarian menu was requested for tonight. LORELAI: Yeah, Lasano's, party of five at eight o'clock. SOOKIE: I thought you said you weren't gonna let vegetarians in here anymore. LORELAI: No, you said you weren't gonna let vegetarians in here anymore. SOOKIE: But I'm making my baked stuffed pork chops for tonight. LORELAI: Well, make them for the other guests and make something else for the Lasano's. SOOKIE: Like what? LORELAI: I don't know. Pasta, you make great pasta. SOOKIE: But that's boring, anyone can make pasta. I'm an artist. You don't dictate to an artist, you don't tell him what to do. I mean, no ever walked up to Degas and said, "Hey, pal, easy with the dancers, enough already. Draw a nice fruit bowl once in awhile, will ya?" LORELAI: A great artist can make art out of anything, including pasta. SOOKIE: Fine, pasta, whoo. LORELAI: Is there coffee? SOOKIE: Just made some. LORELAI: Great. SOOKIE: So today's your lunch with Emily. LORELAI: Yup. SOOKIE: Any idea what she's gonna say? LORELAI: No, but I bet it's not, "I'm joining the circus, feed your father until I get back." I should just cancel. SOOKIE: You can't cancel, you're meeting her in an hour. LORELAI: I know, but this goes against every rule I have in the Gilmore survival guide. Number one – no running with scissors. Number two – no pageboy haircuts. Number three – never ever have lunch alone with a mother. SOOKIE: It might not be so bad. LORELAI: Saying yes to this lunch with my mother is like saying "Sounds fun!" to a ride with Clemenza. [they walk into the kitchen] SOOKIE: Think good thoughts, she could surprise you. LORELAI: I guess. SOOKIE: People change, you know. They do it every day. I mean, one minute you could be. . .oh, let's say a vegetarian, and the next minute you could accidentally have a bite of a stuffed pork chop that changes your entire way of thinking. LORELAI: Sookie. SOOKIE: Oh, suddenly life's fun, suddenly there's a reason to get up in the morning – it's called bacon! LORELAI: Forget it. SOOKIE: Come on! LORELAI: Pasta. SOOKIE: Let the people grow, dammit! CUT TO CHILTON HALLWAY [Rory is walking down the hallway when someone pulls her into the bathroom. Francie and two of her friends are in there.] FRANCIE: Rory, hi, nice of you to join us. RORY: Francie, what – FRANCIE: No, I talk, okay? Great. Now let's discuss Paris. RORY: What about her? FRANCIE: She seems to have the very strange idea that she's actually in charge around here, and I thought it'd be good if I let you in on a little secret. . .she's not. RORY: Why don't you tell her this yourself? FRANCIE: Because talking to Paris is like shopping for a bathing suit in December – frustrating, fruitless, and a complete waste of time. Now, you, you might be the wallflower, but you're obviously the Meyer Lansky behind this organization. RORY: I am not the Meyer Lansky. FRANCIE: What's that noise? What is that noise? Oh wait, it's me, still talking. Didn't you hear it? Obviously not. Anyhow, Paris is student body president – big fat deal. There are three other class presidents – the junior class president, the sophomore class president, and oh, yes, the senior class president – me. RORY: I know all this. FRANCIE: Well, then, it's off the short bus for you, isn't it? Now if Paris thinks she's gonna march around dictating mandates and ignoring what I have to say, then she's in for a major bikini wax. RORY: Thanks for the visual. FRANCIE: Without me, she's nothing. Just another power mad, insecure, friendless, dateless, highlight-less loser wandering around trying to make someone care that they exist at all, which, by the way, no one does. I control the senior class. I am also the leader of the Puffs, the most exclusive society on this campus, and I have the power to make her life a living hell. RORY: Francie, she's just – FRANCIE: I can make sure she does nothing this year but lead the student body in whatever version of the Pledge of Allegiance happens to be constitutional at the time. RORY: What do you want me to do about it? FRANCIE: I want you to go back to Margaret Thatcher and tell her to play ball. She's gonna support the hemline issue, and any other issue that I bring up for the rest of the year. Otherwise I'll make her so ineffectual, she'll make Jimmy Carter look like Martin Sheen – do you get me? RORY: We're supposed to be representing the interests of the student body. We are not supposed to be brokering backdoor deals and pushing through agendas with intimidation and bribery. I mean, what are we, French skating judges? FRANCIE: Wise up, Goldilocks. RORY: My hair's brown. FRANCIE: This is politics. If you've got a problem, tell it to Noam Chomsky. I live in the real world, now blow. Oh, and I would keep this conversation between you and me. Paris tends to get a little paranoid when there's other mammals at the watering hole, so her finding out that you were conferring with me might not make your vice presidency any easier. RORY: I am not conferring with you. A hand came out of the bathroom and pulled me in. FRANCIE: What are you talking about? You sought me out because you thought Paris was a little out of line today and you wanted to make sure my very delicate feelings weren't hurt. You are so sweet to think of me. I feel much better now that I have you on my side. Bye now, see you at the hemster. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai walks through the door and looks around for Emily] LUKE: What the hell are you doing here? LORELAI: Ah, I came for the warmth. LUKE: Well, you're just not usually here this time of day, that's all. LORELAI: Well, I'm meeting someone for lunch. LUKE: Oh, Kirk? LORELAI: What? LUKE: You're meeting Kirk? LORELAI: Why would you say that? LUKE: Well, I know he asked you out so I just assumed. LORELAI: How do you know he asked me out? LUKE: He told me. LORELAI: He told you? LUKE: Yesterday. LORELAI: Oh my God. LUKE: Hey, relax, I think it's great. LORELAI: Why, why would he tell you? LUKE: Well, actually, he came to me for a little advice. LORELAI: About what? LUKE: About whether or not I thought he had a shot with you. After all, I know ya, I've been to your house, I know whether or not you have stain resistant rugs. [Lorelai sits down at a table] LORELAI: I'm lying down now. LUKE: When he found out you had wood floors, he seemed very pleased. LORELAI: Oh, Luke. LUKE: I told him you like movies and junk food, and of course, talking incessantly, but we both agreed that there's nothing like some good lovin' to shut a person up, if you know what I mean. LORELAI: I'm sorry, can you bring me a sharper fork? I'm not sure this one will go all the way through your hand. LUKE: Okay, now, I know it's new so you probably don't wanna jinx it, so I won't talk about it anymore. But I have to tell you, seeing that guy's face when he was talking about you. . .he almost had an expression. LORELAI: Far, far away from me. LUKE: [sings] Love is in the air. [Lorelai throws a spoon at him as he walks away] LORELAI: Ha! [Emily walks into the diner] EMILY: Why are you throwing cutlery in a public place? LORELAI: Uh, ‘cause I feel stupid doing it at home? EMILY: I'm sorry I'm late, there was a little traffic on the way. Perhaps had I been on time, there would still be the possibility of soup. LORELAI: I haven't been here that long. See, I still have a knife. EMILY: I'm glad to hear it. LORELAI: So, you gonna sit? EMILY: Oh, yes, of course. [wipes off the seat, then sits down] There we go. Well, this is nice. You certainly can see the whole town from here, can't you? LORELAI: Yes, you can. EMILY: I can see why you come here so much. It must be fun to just sit and people-watch. Well, let's see what they've got, shall we? [opens menu] Oh, Caesar salad – is that good here? LORELAI: Uh, I'm sure it is. EMILY: You've never had it? LORELAI: No. EMILY: Has Rory? LORELAI: No. EMILY: Oh. Well, Caesar salads can be extremely unsafe if they use bad eggs. LORELAI: Get something else. EMILY: Of course, if they're coddled, it would be fine. Do you know if they coddle the eggs here? LORELAI: I have no idea. EMILY: You don't know? You come here every day. LORELAI: Why don't you ask Luke if they're coddled? EMILY: Oh, he'll just say they are. I'll have a Cobb salad. What are you going to have? LORELAI: A Caesar salad with extra uncoddled eggs on the side. EMILY: Really, Lorelai, would a serious answer once in awhile kill you? LORELAI: Sorry, Mom. Uh, honestly, I'm a little confused. EMILY: About what? LORELAI: About this. EMILY: What's confusing? We're having lunch. LORELAI: I know we're having lunch, but we don't usually have lunch, especially not in my town at Luke's Diner. EMILY: I just figured you had to work, it'd be easier on you this way. LORELAI: Okay, that's fine, if I – [Luke walks up to the table] LUKE: You two ready to order? EMILY: Yes. How is your Caesar salad dressing prepared? LUKE: I'll have to call Paul Newman and ask him. EMILY: A Cobb salad and an iced tea. LORELAI: Cheeseburger, fries, onion rings and a cherry coke. LUKE: Any pie today? LORELAI: Hm, no thanks. LUKE: Cutting back a little, huh? Trying to look good for the big day. Smart, very smart. LORELAI: Make sure you check that frying oil with your face. [Luke walks away] EMILY: What was that all about? LORELAI: Ah, nothing, just a little small town charm. Now, please, Mom, tell me – why did you ask me to lunch? EMILY: Because I wanted to spend some time alone with my daughter. LORELAI: Mom. EMILY: Well, Rory drops by after school every now and then, so we see her alone. LORELAI: Mom. EMILY: But we never see you alone. . .unless Rory leaves the room for a second, and even then you try to go with her. If I had a nickel for every time you've used the ‘Girls always go to the bathroom together, Mom' line, I'd be a very rich woman. LORELAI: You are a very rich woman. Mom, please, is this really a ‘me and you' lunch? No hidden agenda? EMILY: Of course not. LORELAI: Okay, fine. EMILY: I talked to Christopher. LORELAI: What? EMILY: I called him last week, we talked for a very long time, and I have to tell you, he is not in love with that woman. LORELAI: Oh my God. EMILY: He never came out and said it, but I could tell from his voice. He would much rather be with you and Rory. LORELAI: Are you out of your mind? EMILY: I think you need to talk to him. LORELAI: And that would be a yes. EMILY: All he needs is to hear that you want this, too. LORELAI: Mom, what the hell are you doing calling Christopher? EMILY: Well, somebody had to. LORELAI: No, somebody didn't have to! EMILY: Oh, I certainly wasn't going to just sit by and watch this situation explode. You two belong together. It took you years to figure that out, and now that you finally have it, you can't let it go away just because of a little complication. LORELAI: Mom, his girlfriend is pregnant – that is more than a little complication. EMILY: Women have gotten pregnant since the beginning of time, Lorelai. LORELAI: And before I result to the totally called for duh, please tell me what your point it. EMILY: This woman is trying to trap him. Don't you see that? You can't let that happen. LORELAI: Mom, this is none of your business. EMILY: Yes, it is! It affects Rory, it affects you – both of whom are my business. LORELAI: Do not get involved in this, I mean it. Butt out! Don't call Christopher and talk about me or us, just stay out of it! EMILY: Where are you going? LORELAI: I have to get back to the inn. EMILY: Do not walk out on me. LORELAI: Mom, I am not gonna discuss this with you now or ever. I would love for you to respect that but I know you, so give Christopher my love. EMILY: A family life doesn't just happen, Lorelai. You have to work for it. You have to fight for it. Lorelai, come back here! [Lorelai walks out] [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO CHILTON [Several students are gathered at a table for a meeting] PARIS: So as soon as she gets out of intensive care, we'll get her signature, and then we can finally set about hiring a new librarian. Anything else? LOUISE: Yes. Uh, I was thinking that maybe this year we should throw a little beginning of the school year dance. I mean, why wait until the tan fades to have a formal? PARIS: Dances are distracting. LOUISE: Dances help bring in money to pay for those stupid topiaries you want in the quad. PARIS: Draft a proposal and have it on my desk by tomorrow. Madeline? MADELINE: I would like to explore the option of having a professional photographer take the senior class photos. Every year we use that cheesy picture place, and every year people wind up with those VH1 ‘Before They Were Stars' pictures, and I for one would like to stop the humiliation now. PARIS: How are we going to get a professional photographer? LOUISE: Helmett Newton is my godfather. PARIS: Okay, sign him up – and tell him to leave the whips and chains at home. All right, I think that's all we have time for today. FRANCIE: Um, excuse me, Paris? I was just wondering if you had time to think about my proposal? PARIS: What proposal? FRANCIE: You know, the higher hemlines. PARIS: Oh right. No, not yet. FRANCIE: Okay, I guess I can wait. . . for awhile. PARIS: Patience is a virtue. [The meeting ends and the students disperse from the table. Rory turns to talk to Paris.] RORY: Hey. PARIS: What do you think about Helmett Newton being Louise's godfather? Explains a lot, doesn't it? RORY: Yeah. Listen, I think it might be a good idea to consider getting behind this hemline issue. PARIS: You're kidding, right? RORY: No. I mean, if girls want the option of making their skirts a little shorter, then who cares, right? PARIS: I care. I'm building a legacy here, Rory. You want the first stand I make against the faculty to involve a fashion choice? It would be my ‘gays in the military.' RORY: I just think it would be really smart to establish some goodwill among the other class presidents. PARIS: Why? RORY: Because you have to work with them, and you might even need their support on something in the future. And throwing them a tiny bone like a hemline amendment is no big deal. PARIS: I don't know. RORY: Look, it's right at the beginning of your term. No one will even remember the first stupid thing that you passed. You have plenty of time to establish your legacy. I mean it. By the time that you implement public executions for line cutters, hemlines will be a thing of the past. [pause] I was making a joke not a suggestion. PARIS: Why do you care? RORY: What? PARIS: Why do you care? You seem very invested in this whole thing – why? RORY: Hey, I'm not invested in this thing. If you don't wanna do it, fine. I'm just giving you my opinion. I just thought you might wanna be one of those presidents that's beloved as well as respected. PARIS: Raising hemlines would make me beloved? RORY: It's certainly a step in that direction. PARIS: All right, I'll push it through. RORY: Good. PARIS: But the next genius who comes up with the brilliant plan to put Elizabeth Arden in the chemistry class can bite my ass. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Rory walks into the living room as Lorelai walks down the steps] LORELAI: Ugh, I'm not going. RORY: You are going. LORELAI: She has done this to me for the last time. From now on, I'm not giving her any information about my life at all. RORY: As opposed to all the details you've heaped upon her in the past. LORELAI: I can't believe she called Christopher. She has no respect for me or my feelings or my privacy. RORY: Well, she didn't think of it that way. She thought that she was helping. LORELAI: You do know there isn't a Santa Claus, don't you? RORY: Please just try to forget this. LORELAI: I'm never ever going over there again. RORY: Not an option. LORELAI: It should be. Sometimes you have to cut people out of your life. RORY: She's your mother. LORELAI: I want proof, I want tests done. RORY: Do you want your red purse or your blue? LORELAI: Blue. Gee, I wonder who else she's calling. She's probably on the phone to Kirk right now. "I heard through my spies you're taking my daughter out to dinner. Let's talk China patterns." God, I'm furious! [phone rings] Don't get that, it might be her. RORY: Well, I doubt she'd call when we're supposed to be over in half an hour. KIRK: [on answering machine] Hello? Hello? [hangs up] LORELAI: The answering machine confused him. RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: And that's the guy who likes me. RORY: I'd consider adoption if I were you. LORELAI: My life stinks. Hey, let's look into each other's eyes and say "I wish I were you" at exactly the same time – maybe we'll pull a Freaky Friday! RORY: Or we can just pretend that we did and you can go around acting really immature. Oh wait. . . LORELAI: I can't believe you won't switch bodies with me. RORY: Forget it. Then I'd have to date Kirk. LORELAI: I would switch bodies with you in a heartbeat if you wanted. [phone rings again] RORY: I know, and I appreciate that. KIRK: [on answering machine] Lorelai, hi. I just called, I think there might be a problem with your phone. LORELAI: Oh my God. KIRK: [on machine] I was just wondering if I could ask you. . . LORELAI: Let's go. KIRK: [on machine] . . .a couple of quick questions – KIRK'S MOM: [on machine] Hello? KIRK: [on machine] Mom? KIRK'S MOM: [on machine] Who is this? KIRK: [on machine] Mom, would you please get off the phone? Mom? KIRK'S MOM: [on machine] Is this Dr. Marshall? KIRK: [on machine] Mom, it's an important phone call, please hang up. I – I – I – I'll call you back. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [The doorbell rings several times] EMILY: [walking toward door] Oh, for heaven's sake. [answers door] LORELAI: Hey, I don't think your doorbell's working. EMILY: Believe me, it's not the doorbell. MAID: [walks up behind them] Oh, so it was the door. EMILY: Yes, Sarah, once again, it was the door. SARAH: Okay, so I just have to remember that the really big bell is the door and the small one is the oven. EMILY: Yes, that would be a wonderful thing to remember. [Sarah walks away] EMILY: Okay, well, let's have a drink, shall we? [they walk to the living room] RORY: So, Grandma, you have a new maid? EMILY: Yes, I do. LORELAI: Well, good thing we're in time for happy hour. EMILY: Wine, Lorelai? LORELAI: Uh, yeah, if there's any left. EMILY: Rory – soda or water? RORY: Uh, soda please. EMILY: How about water? RORY: Water's fine, too. LORELAI: What's up, Mom? EMILY: Nothing. LORELAI: You seem tense. EMILY: You always think I seem tense. LORELAI: But tonight you seem tenser than usual. EMILY: Well, I'm not! Rory, tell me about school RORY: Oh, okay, um. . .school's good. EMILY: Do you like student government? RORY: I think so. EMILY: And your grades are still good? RORY: Yes. EMILY: Do you take any sort of physical education? RORY: Not this semester. EMILY: But eventually you will take some sort of physical education? RORY: I'm not sure. LORELAI: But trust me – the minute she decides to run after a ball and take a public shower with thirty other girls, you are getting a call. EMILY: Well, thank you. SARAH: [enters room] Dinner's ready! EMILY: Sarah, one minute please. SARAH: Yeah? EMILY: I told you we eat dinner at seven. . .and right now, it's six-thirty. Therefore, one could conclude that maybe it's just a tad early for dinner. SARAH: Oh, I'm sorry, I - EMILY: We want to eat at seven! SARAH: But the food's ready now. EMILY: Okay, never mind, we'll eat. We're eating. Up, up, let's go. [they walk toward the dining room] It's fine. It's better – then we can all be in bed by nine. Sit down. LORELAI: Mom, tell us what is up right now. EMILY: What is up with what? LORELAI: With you, with her, with you and her. EMILY: Well, she's new, Lorelai. She's only been here three days, she's still getting the hang of things. I think it's only fair to give the woman a chance. Why are you staring at me? LORELAI: Mom, you've had maids deported who were better than her. EMILY: I have not. LORELAI: Talk. EMILY: Your father made a crack the other day about my not being able to keep a maid. LORELAI: Ah. EMILY: Of course, it's a gross exaggeration. Yes, I've had maids I haven't liked, but I've also had maids I've loved. LORELAI: Name one. EMILY: Daiha. LORELAI: Who? EMILY: You remember, she took you shopping once. LORELAI: How old was I? EMILY: I don't know. LORELAI: Guess. EMILY: Four, five. LORELAI: Mom, you haven't liked a maid since I was four or five? EMILY: I have liked a maid; you asked me whom I loved. I loved Daiha. LORELAI: And whatever happened to Daiha? EMILY: Oh, how should I know? But I loved her. [the maid enters with some plates] SARAH: Okay, so salad? EMILY: Thank you, Sarah. [doorbell rings] SARAH: Oops, big bell. [goes to answer it and takes the salad plates with her] EMILY: Sarah, the salad! Sarah! Pass the wine, Lorelai. LORELAI: You want a straw with that? EMILY: You're enjoying this? LORELAI: Well. . .yeah. [Christopher walks in] CHRISTOPHER: Lor, I need to talk to you. LORELAI: Chris, what are you doing here? CHRISTOPHER: You won't return my calls! LORELAI: Did you do this? CHRISTOPHER: I knew you'd be here. EMILY: I did not do this. CHRISTOPHER: You gave me no choice. LORELAI: After I told you to just stay out of it! EMILY: Lorelai, I did not do this! LORELAI: You have to go. CHRISTOPHER: I'm not going until you talk to me. [Lorelai and Christopher walk down the hallway] EMILY: Christopher, Lorelai, come back here! [cut to hallway] CHRISTOPHER: Why won't you call me back? LORELAI: Hey, there couldn't be a worst time to have this conversation. CHRISTOPHER: Really, because it seems to be the only time to have this conversation. LORELAI: Look, go home, okay? I promise I will talk to you tomorrow. CHRISTOPHER: Well, sure, I believe that. LORELAI: Hey, I've never lied to you. There's no reason to doubt my word. CHRISTOPHER: Really? Forty-five unreturned phone calls isn't a reason? LORELAI: No, it isn't. CHRISTOPHER: You shutting me out like this is wrong. LORELAI: I'm not discussing this with you here in my mother's house. CHRISTOPHER: You don't get to dictate this. I need to talk to you, you won't call me back, and I did what I had to do. And I'm sorry – but after all we've been through, especially over these last few months – you shutting me out is wrong. And you know what hits me the hardest, Lor? LORELAI: Apparently it isn't the door on your way out. CHRISTOPHER: You keeping Rory from me. LORELAI: What? CHRISTOPHER: I never, ever thought you'd do that. LORELAI: I'm not keeping Rory from you. CHRISTOPHER: Oh really? Then why hasn't she called me back, huh? I mean, no matter where you and I have been in our lives, my daughter has always called me back – until now. LORELAI: Hey, listen to me – [Rory walks up to them] RORY: I didn't call you back because I didn't want to. Me – Mom had nothing to do with it. LORELAI: Okay, honey, calm down. RORY: You promised me. You promised me at Sookie's wedding that this was going to work, that you were going to be there, you promised me. CHRISTOPHER: Honey, please understand – RORY: No, I always understand, and I don't wanna understand! I don't even really wanna talk about this right now. I've got Mom, that's all I need. Go be somebody else's dad! CHRISTOPHER: Don't say that. RORY: I'm going upstairs. Call me when he's gone. [goes upstairs] CHRISTOPHER: She did not get there by herself. LORELAI: Hey, have you ever met your daughter? She could get anywhere by herself! She could get to the third dimension by herself! She was helping the crossing guard when she was four. CHRISTOPHER: I'm going to talk to her. LORELAI: No, you're not. She wants to be alone and cool off. Respect that. I'll talk to her later. CHRISTOPHER: You'll talk to her, great. That makes me feel a whole lot better. LORELAI: Okay, you need to leave, right now. CHRISTOPHER: This isn't right. She needs her father. LORELAI: I know she needs her father, I've been telling her she needs her father! But she feels like her father bailed on her and she's mad and hurt, and I can't change that in three minutes! CHRISTOPHER: Do you think I like this situation? LORELAI: Oh God. CHRISTOPHER: Do you? I mean, after what you and I had going and now – LORELAI: Chris, do you remember why we're here right now? What event in your life caused this very pleasant moment we're sharing? CHRISTOPHER: That has nothing to do with this. LORELAI: Oh – it – what? Chris, man! What do you want from me? CHRISTOPHER: I wanna talk! LORELAI: About what? CHRISTOPHER: I don't know. I just. . . I don't like how things are. LORELAI: But that's how they are! CHRISTOPHER: I didn't want things to turn out this way! LORELAI: But they did turn out this way! CHRISTOPHER: But I didn't want that! LORELAI: Christopher, is Sherry still pregnant? CHRISTOPHER: Of course she is. LORELAI: Are you still with her? CHRISTOPHER: Yes. LORELAI: Are you gonna marry her? CHRISTOPHER: Yes. LORELAI: Then, honey, we are where we are! Accept it. CHRISTOPHER: I can't. LORELAI: Don't you understand that I can't talk to you because it hurts talking to you, really hurts! Standing here right now is killing me, okay? Don't you understand that? EMILY: Christopher, I think you'd better go now. CHRISTOPHER: Emily, I . . . EMILY: Leave now, please. [Christopher leaves] LORELAI: You know, you need a mask and a horse when you do that. EMILY: Something's burning. CUT TO OUTSIDE [Christopher is sitting on his motorcycle as Lorelai walks out of the house] LORELAI: Chris? Give it time. [Christopher nods and drives away] CUT TO STARS HOLLOW [Rory and Lorelai walk down the sidewalk] LORELAI: Well, now, that was a fun night. RORY: Yup. LORELAI: I haven't had that much fun since labor. RORY: Ba-dum-bum. LORELAI: But seriously, ladies and gentlemen, is this on? RORY: I can't believe he just came over. LORELAI: He misses you. RORY: He misses you. LORELAI: We're very missable. Honey, he loves you so much, he didn't mean to mess – RORY: No, he never means to, but he does. And I don't care what he says or does, I'm not going to this wedding. LORELAI: You don't have to. RORY: Good. LORELAI: But you might, at a later point in your life, when you're not so angry and you make up with your dad, as we both know you will, you might be sorry you missed it. RORY: It's the wrong wedding. LORELAI: Ah, things happen for a reason. RORY: Since when is that your philosophy. LORELAI: Since now. By the way, I'm also a communist. RORY: Really? LORELAI: Yes, ‘cause I look damn good in red. RORY: I'm starving. LORELAI: Really? Could it be ‘cause dinner sucked? RORY: Could be. LORELAI: Let's do mac and cheese. RORY: And tater tots LORELAI: And those little pizza rolls. RORY: Oh, and chili beef soup. LORELAI: After which we will install our own vomitorium. RORY: Okay, nix the soup. LORELAI: And add some cake. Okay, let's be organized – make it fast, make it snappy, and if there's any impulse buying, make it chocolate. RORY: Aye aye, captain. KIRK: [calls from down the street] Lorelai! LORELAI: Oh no. Go on in. RORY: Are you sure? LORELAI: I have to take care of this. RORY: Good luck. [Rory goes into the market as Kirk walks up to Lorelai] LORELAI: Hey Kirk. KIRK: Lorelai, I know you haven't made up your mind yet, and I'm not here for an answer. I just need to know – are you allergic to tuna? LORELAI: Uh, no. KIRK: No, good. Thank you very much. LORELAI: Uh, Kirk, I have made up my mind. KIRK: You have? LORELAI: Yeah. KIRK: Already? LORELAI: Yes. KIRK: And it's fully formed? LORELAI: Yes, it is. KIRK: You don't need any other information? LORELAI: No, I don't. KIRK: ‘Cause I could have my mother call you if – LORELAI: Totally unnecessary. KIRK: Okay, well, then, go ahead. LORELAI: I just got out of a really weird relationship, and I know that sounds like a line, but it isn't. I'm just not. . .fully over the shock of it yet, and I never wanna hurt you because you're my friend and I like you, so I have to say no. I'm sorry. KIRK: Was the tuna inquiry too personal? LORELAI: Oh, no, I thought it was very thoughtful KIRK: You're sure you won't feel like it anytime soon? LORELAI: Yeah, I'm sure. KIRK: Well, at least I asked. Goodnight Lorelai. CUT TO INSIDE DOOSE'S MARKET [Rory walks into an aisle and sees Jess] JESS: Doing a little shopping? RORY: Yes. Excuse me. JESS: Why the cold shoulder? RORY: No cold shoulder. I just have perishables here. JESS: Oh yeah, you wanna get home before that beefaroni goes bad. RORY: My mom's waiting for me. JESS: How was Washington? RORY: Fine. JESS: Do anything interesting? RORY: Nope. JESS: Okay. RORY: What about you? JESS: What about me? RORY: Anything interesting happen? This summer, I mean. JESS: Nope. RORY: Really? JESS: Really. RORY: So nothing happened this summer, at all? JESS: It was hot. Two weeks ago there was a run on snowcones. Machine broke, people went crazy, Taylor tried to call in the National Guard, but – RORY: I'm not talking about snowcones. JESS: What are you talking about then? RORY: Nothing. JESS: Her name's Shane. RORY: As in ‘come back'? JESS: Yup. RORY: Well, great. That's great. Really, it's great. JESS: So I've heard. RORY: Well, it is. JESS: Are you upset about something? RORY: No. JESS: I mean, me and Shane – RORY: What about you and Shane? JESS: I don't know, it didn't exactly bring a smile to your face. RORY: Well, I'm still freaked out about the, uh, snowcone machine. JESS: Okay. RORY: I could care less about you and Shane. JESS: Good. RORY: It just surprised me, that's all. JESS: Why? RORY: Because. JESS: Because why? RORY: Because of what happened at Sookie's wedding. JESS: Ah. RORY: Yeah, so me coming back here and just seeing you with Shane just kind of threw me for a sec. JESS: I'm sorry, did I hear from you at all this summer? Did I just happen to miss the thousands of phone calls you made to me, or did the postman happen to lose all those letters you wrote to me? You kiss me, you tell me not to say anything. . .very flattering, by the way. You go off to Washington. . . then nothing. Then you come back here all put out because I didn't just sit around and wait for you like Dean would've done? And yeah, what about Dean? Are you still with him? 'Cause last time I checked, you were, and I haven't heard anything to the contrary. Plus, the two of you walking around the other day like some damn Andy Hardy movie. Seemed to me like you're still pretty together. I half expected you to break into a barn and put on a show. RORY: When did you see me with Dean? JESS: At that stupid summer insanity plea the town put on. RORY: Oh, I'm surprised you could see anything with Shane's head plastered to your face. JESS: You didn't answer me. RORY: About what? JESS: Did you call me at all? RORY: No. JESS: Did you send me a letter? RORY: No. JESS: Postcard? RORY: No. JESS: Smoke signal? RORY: Stop. JESS: A nice fruit basket? RORY: Enough! JESS: Are you still with Dean? Come on, Rory, yes or no – are you still with Dean? RORY: Yes, I'm still with Dean, yes! JESS: Glad to hear it. RORY: Glad to tell you. JESS: See you around. RORY: Whatever. JESS: Right back at ya. CUT TO OUTSIDE [Rory walks out of the market with a bag of groceries] LORELAI: Hey, I was just gonna come in after you. You all done? RORY: Oh yeah, I'm done.

Plan: A: Lorelai's horror; Q: What is Lorelai's reaction to Kirk asking her out? A: Kirk; Q: Who asks Lorelai out on a date? A: Luke; Q: Who encouraged Kirk to ask Lorelai out? A: Emily; Q: Who does Lorelai have lunch with at Luke's? A: Christopher; Q: Who shows up uninvited at Friday night dinner? A: Rory runs; Q: Who runs into Jess? A: Shane; Q: Who does Rory betray her hurt feelings about? A: the student council; Q: What is Paris running like a dictatorship? Summary: To Lorelai's horror, Kirk asks her out on a date after being encouraged by Luke; Emily's lunch with Lorelai at Luke's ends badly; Christopher shows up uninvited at Friday night dinner and quarrels with both Lorelai and Rory before Emily asks him to leave; Rory runs into Jess and they each betray their hurt feelings -- Rory about Shane and Jess about not hearing from Rory all summer; and Francie targets Paris and Rory for a world of trouble if Rory doesn't stop Paris from running the student council like a dictatorship.

Scene 1: in the woods - Eric, Sookie Eric just killed Claudine by drinking her blood. Sookie: We're sittin' ducks out here if any of Claudine's friends show up. Hurry. In the house. (Eric faint) We're headin' for the cubby. You hear me? Hey. He wakes up. Eric: Hey! More. Sookie: Quit. Eric: I want more. Sookie: You can't have any more. There isn't any more. You drink the whole faierie, and you're going to your room. Eric: Drink you up. Sookie: Eric you'll kill me! No! Eric: I would never harm you. Sookie: You better not. Come on, I'll tuck you in. Eric: *giggles* He pinches her bottom. Sookie: Hey! Did you just pinch my butt? Eric: Beautiful butt. Sookie: Well, thanks, but hands off. Eric: Whoo! (He does it again) Sookie: Hey! I said... What... You're drunk! Eric: Catch me. He leaves. Sookie: Get back here! (He comes back) I'm trying to help you. You can't do this. Get back in the house right now. Eric: Never. Sookie: It'll be dawn soon! Eric: I don't care. He leaves again. Sookie: Eric! Sookie runs after him. Credit Scene 2: Fangtasia - Bill, Pam Bill: Where is Eric? Pam: For the last time, I don't know. I have no idea what happened to him. Bill: Don't lie to me, Pam. It's treason. Pam: Exactly. I wouldn't take the chance. All of your subjects are learning how ruthless you are. Bill: I know the depth of your devotion. You would lie and die for your maker. Pam: And I know how much you hate him. Bill: Why didn't you call me when he went missing? Pam: Well, I was kind of thinking you sent him to those witches so they'd kill him. Bill: You're not supposed to think. You're supposed to follow protocol. When you hear from him, you let me know immediately. Pam: Yes, sir. (He starts leaving) You like the feel of it, don't you, Bill? That crown. He looks at her, and then leaves. Scene 3: Hot shot - Jason, Becky, Luther, a blond girl. Jason is being raped. Blond girl: Oh yeah. (Jason comes) Wait, wait. Come on now. Jason: Get off me. Blond girl: I ain't done yet. Jason: GET OFF ME! She gets off, and put her panties on, crying. Jason: I don't know why you're cryin'. I'm the one gettin' raped. Blond girl: My brother-husband, he just bites the back of my neck and he holds me down till it's over. You're the best I ever had. Next! She leaves, and Becky arrives. Jason: Oh, no. Hey! She's just a little girl! Luther opens the door. Luther: Never you mind! Breed, ghost daddy, breed! He closes the door. Becky: Uncle Felton says I'm old enough, and you better give me a cub. Jason: What? (She puts her panties off) Whoa, whoa, no no. Stop it! Stop it! Becky: Don't yell at me! Jason: Sorry. Becky I'm sick, and I'm - I'm getting' sicker. I can't. I can't do this no more. Becky: You gotta (She takes a knife) I'll cut your thing if you put up a fight. Jason: You ever done s*x before? Becky: Sure, Lots of times. (He looks at her) No. But I ain't scared. Jason: Then this ain't the way it should be. Uh, your - your first time should be special. With a boy you really like, who brings you presents and candy. Becky: Boys do that? Jason: Oh, they sure do. And, hey, you make love with him 'cause it's the right time, not 'cause some big man shoves you in a shed and says you gotta. Becky: I don't want do this with you. I don't want to do this at all. Jason: Then cut me loose. I'm scared I'll die here. Becky: So am I. She cuts the first link and gave him the knife. Jason: Here. Becky: Be careful, Mister Jason. Jason: Well, you too. He goes outside. Luther: Hey! Jason punches Luther, who faints. Scene 4: Bill's house - Bill, Nan. Nan: I'm trying to salvage the future of equality for vampires in this country after Russell Edgington butchered a man on television, and you send Eric Northman after wiccans? Are you f*cking insane? Bill: Wiccans working death magic. Nan: Some old hippies levitated a dead bird, so what? Bill: Necromancy is no joke. Remember the Spanish massacre? Nan: That was 400 years ago. A single powerful witch with a reason to go after vampires. Bill: It would be foolish to believe that this could not happen again. Nan: Remember Salem? We all thought it was such a threat, when it was just a bunch of neurotic puritanettes who needed a good lay. Bill: This is the real thing. I know it. Nan: they don't make necromancers the way they used to, Bill. Get a grip! Bill: Then where is Eric? Why has nobody heard from him? Nan: It's not my problem you can't control your sheriffs. Bill: you're making a big mistake. Nan: that is not for you to decide. I really don't know what you expect me to do. I can't take this to the Authority. Bill: I don't expect anything. I'm just keeping you informed. Nan: Fine, I'm informed. Clean it up. But don't you shed one drop of mortal blood. Bill: And what if they come... Nan: No dead humans! Or I will have your ass. Bill: I'll deal with it personally. Nan: Thank you. How's the execution go? Bill: Oh, very smooth. Completely justified. Nan: Aw. Poor Bill. Power's so hard. Don't f*ck this up. How many retired kings do you know? She leaves. Bill: I'll make sure you're kept in the loop. Scene 5: Goddess Emporium/ Spain (in the flashback) - Marnie, Antonia, Inquisition men. Marnie's sleeping, having flashback of Antonia's last moments. Antonia is on the stake, conjuring spirits. Antonia: Alley, Fortissian, Fortissio, Allinson, Roa. Inquisition men (in Spannish): You must burn a witch properly. First the calves, thighs... Antonia: Colpriziani offina alta nestra fuaro menut Inquisition men: ... and hands. Then the torso, forearms, and the breasts. Marnie: This is madness! (She runs into the crowd but nobody can see her) We must stop this! We - We have to save her! Inquisition men: She is not allowed to die until her face is in flames. Someone lights the stake, and Marnie's screaming. Antonia (in Spannish): You belong to me, it is you who will burn for your sins! Colpriziani offina alta nestra fuaro menut. Alley, Fortissian, Fortissio, Allinson, Roa. Antonia and Marnie: Alley, Fortissian, Fortissio, Allinson, Roa (x3) Antonia: Ahh! Antonia's burning alive. Then Marnie wakes up, a light in her eyes. Scene 6: Sookie's house - Alcide, Sookie. Alcide knocks at the door. Alcide: Sookie? Sookie comes from the back of the house. She holds a red blanket in her arms. Alcide: Sookie, where you at? Sookie: Oh, thank you for commin'. I was checking the woods out back one more time. There's no sign of him. Alcide: How can Eric be runnin' around in the daylight? He starts to undress. Sookie: It's a long, strange story. I'll tell you on the way. She looks at him, but he stops before taking off his pants. Alcide: Sookie. Sookie: Sorry (She turns away) I wasn't thinkin'. I can't tell you how much I appreciate this. Alcide: You'd help me if I need you. Sookie: I sure would. He turns into a wolf. Sookie: You got his scent? Alcide run into the woods. Sookie: Wait for me! Alcide! Damn. Scene 7: The Merlotte's - Sam, Maxine Fortenberry. Sam serves customers when Maxine Fortenberry arrives. Maxine: Sam Merlotte, what have you done to my boy? Sam: I didn't do anything to anybody. I got no idea what Hoyt's up to. [To a customer] You ready to order? Maxine: I don't mean Hoyt. He's no son of mine. Sam: Then I don't know who you're talkin' about. Maxine: Tommy Mickens? His own brother, who he shot? Y'all remember? Sam: And who is now fine. He takes her in a corner. Maxine: He is not fine. He didn't come home last night, and I can't find him! Now, where is he? Sam: How should I know? Tommy's a big boy. He runs his own life. Maxine: Somethin' terrible is wrong with you. There is no family feelin' in your soul. Sam: Well, I could point out that you're the one who disowned your child by blood, but maybe you're right. Maybe there is something wrong with me where family's concerned. Maxine: Oh, there's no question about that, Mister Guns-A-Blazin'. The whole town knows it. Sam: I can't help you, Maxine. Maxine: I am a lioness, and if you even laid a finger on him... Sam: I did not, hand to the lord. Maxine: ... I will punch your ticket but good, you hear me? Sam: Yes, ma'am. Maxine: Why aren't you fightin' back? Sam: Got no quarrel with you. Tommy's lucky a lioness has his back. Maxine gives him a suspicious look and leaves. Scene 8: Hotshot - Felton, Crystal, Luther, Becky Felton comes while Becky is sleeping. He wakes her up. Felton: Now, you look different. Becky: I - I do? Felton: Yep. 'Cause you ain't a virgin no more. Becky: Mmm-Hmm Felton: He do you right? s*x is kinda gross, but it feels good, don't it? Don't it? Tell uncle-daddy Felton all about it. (He catches her face) Hey! Look at me! He ran to the place where Jason is supposed to be. Felton: Luther! Luther! Crystal comes. Crystal: What are you hollerin' about? Felton smashes the door and founds Luther bounded. He screams while Crystal releases Luther. Crystal: We got Jason's seed. That's all we wanted. Felton: Hey, I'm gonna claw your pretty boy up, and string his guts from here to Shreveport! And your little sister-niece, Becky, she's next. Come on Luther! (He goes out) Bufort! Timbo! Somebody outside the screen: Yeah? Crystal: You promised you wouldn't hurt him! Felton: f*ck that sh1t! f*ck you! He transforms into a were-panther. Scene 9: Goddess Emporium - Jesus, Marnie, Lafayette, Tara. Jesus: Don't you know a spell that'll make him remember again? Marnie: Please, I am so tired. I have hardly slept. Lafayette: If you fully realized what f*ckin' vampire you f*cked with, you would never sleep again. Marnie: He had no right to approach us. It's his fault. This is a sacred space. Tara: Nothing is sacred to them. Marnie: Well, the Goddess. She will protect us. Lafayette (to Jesus): Will you f*ckin' talk some sense into her, please? Jesus: Just calm... Marnie: Go away. Just go away. People are so violent, and so perplexing. Just leave me alone with the dead. Jesus: Marnie, all you have to do is come with us, and reverse the spell you cast on Eric Northman. Lafayette: Or you'll be one of the dead. Marnie: I can't! It wasn't me. It wasn't my spell. It was her. Lafayette: Can't? "Can't" isn't a m*therf*ckin' option here! Tara: Her who? Marnie: Uh, I don't know her name. She hasn't told me. Lafayette: I tell you what. You get her ass on the goddamn Goddess line, and you tell her to turn this curse a-fuckin'-round. Marnie: Spirits aren't pets. They don't come when you call. Jesus: Marnie, these vampires will kill everyone in our circle. Lafayette: After a whole lot of torture. Tara: And rape. Marnie: Uh, I suppose I better try somethin'. Lafayette: Thank you. Marnie and Jesus sit down face to face. Jesus: You can just tell us what to do. Marnie: Goddess, Loving souls, light our way. Reveal to us your ancient wisdom. Lafayette: Save our f*ckin' asses. Marnie: In this suffering, tragic world, show us your mercy. Blessed be! Jesus: Come on. Nothing happen. Marnie: Mmm-mmm. They're just spells. Ooh, spells that restore the mind, spells that recover memory, spells that remove... (She rises) Let's turn to the books. That's bound to reveal something. She goes out of the room, followed by Tara. Scene 10: The woods - Eric, Alcide, Sookie. Sookie: So, Eric can daywalk some with the faerie blood, but it makes him drunk as a skunk. He's hammered, and who knows how long before he starts to fry. Alcide stops near the water. Sookie: There's no time to rest. We gotta keep movin'. Alcide, I know you don't like him, but if he dies, Pam'll kill me. Eric comes out of the water. Eric: Hey, Sookie! Where have you been? Come, come play with me. It's wonderful here. I am Aegir, god of the sea, and you are Ran, my sea goddess. Sookie: There's big gator in there, you crazy Vicking! Get on out and let's go home, before one of them chomps off your you-know-what. Eric: Leave the sun to the water? Nope. I'll just kill all the sea monsters! Gators, Krukodiler! Show yourselves! Cowards! Alcide transforms into his human form. Alcide: He really is different. Eric sees it and gets his fangs out. Eric: Get away from her! Alcide: f*ck you! She wants me here. Sookie: Eric, this is Alcide. He's your friend. He's gonna help you. You don't want to fight him. Eric: Yes, I do. Now prepare to die, you stinking dog. Alcide: Take your shop, you dumbshit fanger. Sookie: Grow up, you giant babies! Alcide, stop making that noise. Eric, put up thoses fangs and do what I say! Eric starts to feel the burn of the sun. Eric: Uh, uh... I don't feel so good. Sookie: Now will you listen to me? Eric: Sookie, I hurt. My blood is burning. She comes with the blanket and wraps him up. Sookie: I know. Now, come on. You gotta get. Vamps speed. Eric: I don't want to go back to the darkness. I want us, I want us... Alcide: Just keep that blanket on, and the sun at your back. Eric: Sookie, I'm... Sookie: Go. Run. We'll be right behind you. He leaves, followed by Alcide who transformed again, and Sookie. Scene 11: The woods - Jason, Felton. Jason is running away, looking at his back. He's exhausted, and suffers because of his wounds. We hear a roaring not far away. He takes off his shirt and throws it in the opposite direction, in order to fool the were-panther. He took a stick, and smears himself with dirt. Felton (in his were-panther form) arrives and sniffs Jason's smell, then goes in the direction of the shirt. Scene 12: Mickens' new place - Tommy, Melinda. Tommy's searching for his mom. Tommy: Mama? Mama! Melinda Mickens! Melinda appears behind the van. Melinda: Over here! Whoo-hoo! Over here! Oh, now! Tommy gives her a hug, making her seals of water falls. Melinda: Look what you made me done! Now I gotta walk all the way back to the well. Tommy: Well, I stole a car. I'll drive ya. Ain't you happy to see me? Melinda: I been deramin' about you for months and months. I didn't want to make you mad. Tommy: I ain't mad. Melinda: But I couldn't wait no more. I had to call. I called Merlotte's and got the busboy t give me the name of that lady you been stayin' with. Tommy: I missed you, Ma. And when you told me that... Melinda: Now, sugar, don't you cry, too. You gotta be the man. Tommy: Is it true? Did you finally leave Joe Lee? For good this time? Melinda: Well, I did. I left him. Tommy: Oh, Mama. I'm the happiest I ever been in my life! What'd you say? How'd you do it? Melinda: We'll talk about that later. I want to hear about you! Look at you, all growed up, and on your own. Tommy: I can read now. Melinda: No, you cannot! Tommy: Yeah. Melinda: Can you. Tommy: Yeah! Melinda: Oh, I'm so proud! Remember when everybody called you stupid, and I always said you wasn't? Tommy: Oh, and Sam shot me in the leg. Melinda: He what? Why? Tommy: 'Cause he hates me. Bang! Big old nasty hole right there. But I'm strong. I got better. Melinda: Shoot my baby, I could kill him. Getting' rid of that child's the best decision I ever made. Tommy: Yeah, you were right. He never cared about me. Melinda: Well, we don't care about him. You are my one and only. Gimme another hug around the neck. He hugs her again. Scene 13: Luna's house - Sam, Luna, Emma. Sam arrives in his car, goes out and comes to knock at Luna's door. Luna: Who is it? Sam: Surprise, it's Sam! Luna opens the door. Luna: What are you doin' here? Sam: I felt like sayin' hey to a beautiful girl. Luna: Oh, that, that's sweet, but... Sam: You showed up to seduce me at Merlotte's, I thought I'd return the favor. Luna: Shh, shh. It can't work that way, all right? Now's not a good time. Sam: I was, I was just followin' your lead. Uh, just to be clear, has somethin' changed? Are we still on the same page? Luna: Yeah. More or less, but you gotta call first. Sam: So only one of us can be spontaneous? Luna: Well... Emma comes at the door. Emma: Mommy! (She looks at Sam) Who are you? Sam: Who are you? You look like somebody important. Like a princess, or a cowgirl. Emma: I am. Sam: Yeah? What are you doin'? Emma: We were just playing Barbies. (To her mom) Can he play Barbies with us? Luna: Oh, I don't think so. Sam: Oh, come on. Can I? Luna: Emma, this is my friend Sam. Sam, meet my daughter. Emma: Hi. Sam: Hey, Emma. Which Barbie do I get? I hope she has a bunch of pretty dresses. Emma: Oh she does. Sam: Yeah? Luna: Come on in. Sam: Love to. They all come in the house. Scene 14: The woods - Jason. Jason is still running away in the woods. We hear the roaring, and Jason falls. Scene 15: Sookie's house - Eric, Alcide, Sookie. Alcide is upstairs, listening to Eric and Sookie who are in the hideout. Eric: I don't want to go to sleep. Sookie: You have to rest. You got all burned up today. Let me check (She checks if he's fine). Everything healed. Now, lay down and close your eyes. Eric: No. No. Sookie: If you stay awake, you're gonna start bleeding all over the place. Eric: I know what the bleeds are. Sookie: Fine, then you can clean it up. I'm not a maid. Eric: Stay with me. Please. Sookie: Can't. Human stuff to do. Eric: Oh. He looks away, a little sad. Sookie goes upstairs. Alcide moves away from the entrance. Alcide: This is nuts. Sookie: Hush. They're going outside. Alcide: He can't stay here. What are you thinkin'? Sookie: You saw yourself. He isn't the same. He's not for long, anyway. Alcide: He's a killer. Eric Northman at your house, you... You must have a death wish. We see Eric in the basement, listening to them. Sookie: Well, Debbie Pelt's still Debbie Pelt. Alcide: So? Sookie: She's an addict and an attempted murderer, and she lives in your house, and I'm not judjing you. Alcide: So that's how you feel about her. Sookie: I don't want you hurt again. Or me. Alcide: That's what I'm saying about Eric. Sookie: All right, then we're even. Alcide: Come here. She approaches and hugs him. Alcide: I'm on your side, Sook. Whatever happens. Sookie: Same for me. (She looks at him) Friends? Alcide: Friends. Keep in touch. Sookie: You know I will. He leaves. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 16: The woods - Jason, Felton, Crystal. Jason is on a tree, cutting a branch. He starts falling asleep and let the knife fall. The were-panther arrives, searching for him. Jason jumps from the tree and kill the panther with the stick. Felton returns into his human form. Another were-panther arrives and transforms. It's Crystal. Jason takes the stick to defend himself. Crystal: So long, m*therf*cker (she kicks Felton's corpse). Hey, baby. Jason: Stay there. Stay there. Crystal: Luther and Timbo are comin', but I can handle them. I'm big mama kitty now. Finally. Everybody gonna do what I say. Felton got you good. Let me rub some dirt on that. She approaches. Jason: Don't f*ckin' touch me. Crystal: We can be together now. Like we was always meant to be. We're mates for life. Jason: We ain't nothin' but disaster. You're the worst thing that ever happened to me. Crystal: That's the fever talking. (She tries to come closer) Jason: Take one more step, I'll kill ya. Crystal: Bontemps ain't your home no more. You're gonna be Panther Man and Ghost Daddy to our clan. Jason: The f*ck I am. Crystal: Hotshot's the only place that'll take you in. Jason: If the next time I see you or this shithole is a hundred years from now, it'll still be too goddamn soon. He leaves. Crystal: I'll be waitin' for ya, Jason! Full moon! Scene 17: Bellefleur's house - Bill, Portia, Andy, Caroline Bellefleur. Portia: Bill? Bill? You haven't heard a word I've said. Bill: Sorry, I'm preoccupied. Business. Portia: Hmm. I think you're worried about meetin' my grandmamma. Bill: Mmm-hmm. Portia: She's keeping you waitin' on purpose, you know. She likes to male all my gentlemen callers nervous. Someone cough. Mrs. Bellefleur comes into the room. Bill and Portia get up. Portia: Grandmama, this is my friend and client, William Compton. Mrs. Bellefleur: Caroline Bellefleur. Bill: Caroline. Well, that was my wife's name. It's an honor and a gift to make your acquaintance, Mrs. Bellefleur. Mrs. Bellefleur: Please, sit. Andy comes downstairs. Andy: G'night, back soon! Mrs. Bellefleur: Andrew. (She asks him to come) Bill: Andrew. Andy: Bill (he sits down). Portia. Mrs. Bellefleur: There's tea in the kitchen, Portia. Portia: Of course. Tru-Blood for you, Bill? Bill: That would be very kind. Andy: I'll have a Red Bull, please. Mrs. Bellefleur: No, you won't. It's vulgar. He'll have sweet tea. Andy: yes, ma'm. Mrs. Bellefleur: Tell us about your day, dear. Andy: Well, I caught that flasher from Glenville. Mrs. Bellefleur: Oh, Andy. We don't talk about that in the parlor. Andy: You asked me. That's what I did. Mrs. Bellefleur: No, no, no, no, no. I have tried, unsuccessfully, to teach my grandson the art of polite conversation. Bill: But he is a man of the law. He is bound by civic responsibility to practice the art of circumspection, which is entirely the opposite. Andy: Thanks. Mrs. Bellefleur: Mister Compton, you're good. Scene 18: Luna's house - Sam, Luna, Emma. Emma: No! Luna: Yes! We have to brush your teeth, wash your face, and put you on your PJs. Emma: I don't want to. Sam: I think you better. Unless you'd like a million little bugs playin' house in your mouth. Emma: Ew. Luna: When we're done, we can say good night to Sam. Emma: I'll do it myself. Sam, stay. Sam: Yes, ma'am. She goes to the bathroom. Sam: There is a girl who knows her mind. Luna sits on the couch ext to Sam. Luna: I want her to be strong, but sometimes she's a little too much like her father. Sam: Or maybe her mom? Luna: I want to raise her right. So many shifter kids are f*cked up. Sam: Yeah. Luna: They hate the world, they hate themselves. Sam: Hmm-mm. Luna: She goes that way, it's gonna break my heart. Sam: Mmm. But you could have told me about her. You know, I like kids. I'm not gonna run. Do I seem like that kind of guy? Luna: No. But I have to be careful. Really careful. Sam: Go on. Luna: My ex is a werewolf. Sam: Ah. Luna: I was young. He was a bad boy. Everyone said no, so I said yes. I am a cliché. Sam: No you're not. No you're not. We make choices. We don't know what they'll mean down the line. I mean, you got away from a werewolf, right? That's no cliché. Luna: Not away away. Sam: He watches you. Luna: I think he might. Drives by sometimes, comes around when I don't expect him. He loves Emma. But he's jealous, so... Sam: Uh-huh. Luna: If I get closer to somebody... Sam: Me. Luna: Yeah, you. I don't know what he'll do. That's a really good reason to run. Sam: Do I look like I'm runnin'? Emma enters the room. Emma: I'm sitting next to you. Sam: Well, I was hoping you would. Emma sits between them. Sam: Hey. Luna: (gives her the remote control) Here you go. Emma: Thanks. Sam: Mmm-hmm. Scene 19: Goddess Emporium - Jesus, Lafayette, Marnie, Tara. They are all making searches. Lafayette: What is she doing? Jesus: She's testing for energy. The right spell might give off heat. Tara: I got nothin'. Marnie: You be careful of that. It's over a hundred years old. Lafayette: This ain't workin', and we runnin' out of time. Jesus: Marnie, maybe we should try something else. Marnie: Well, I don't know what else I can do. (She casts a spell) I call upon you for the thousandth time, my faithful spirit guides. Why have you forsaken me? Tara: We're f*cked. Marnie starts to cry. A book falls from the shelf. Tara: What the... Marnie: Whoa, whoa, whoa. (She takes the book and reads) "To heal those who have drunk from the river Lethe". Tara: Huh? Marnie: It's the Greeks. It's the river in Hades, the river of forgetting. This is it. Tara: We better call Pam. Marnie: Oh, blessed be. "Draw your circle in the light of the moon of Artemis". Scene 20: Alcide's house - Alcide, Debbie. Alcide comes home. Alcide: Deb? Debbie: In the den. You said you were workin' late tonight. You weren't kiddin'. Alcide: Got behind on a couple things. Hey, darlin'. Debbie: Mmm. They kiss, and she smells him. Debbie: Did you shift today? Alcide: Yeah. Debbie: Why'd you do that? Alcide: Wasn't exactly my idea. Sookie called. Debbie: Huh. Alcide: Had to go to Bon Temps. She needed emergency wolf assistance wranglin' a vamp. Debbie: In the daylight. Alcide: Yeah. Got pretty cooked. We had to catch him and throw him underground really quick. Tool a bite out of my schedule. Debbie: Sookie's okay? Alcide: For now. But you know her. Danger on the doorstep every five minutes. Debbie: Yeah, I know. Alcide: You're not mad, are you? Debbie: Mmm. There's nothin' to be mad about. We are living a life of rigorous honesty here. I'm glad you told me about it. You're a good man to help her with her troubles. Alcide: Damn. I cannot get over how much you've grown. Debbie: Mmm. (They kiss again). You're in my bed, boy. I ain't worried about no Sookie. Scene 21: Mrs Bellefleur's house - Bill, Andy, Mrs. Bellefleur, Portia. Mrs. Bellefleur: My husband Joseph was Arthur Bellefleur's son, and Arthur was the son of James. Andy puts a glass on the table. Andy: Grandmama, I can't sit here all night bein' circumspect. I uh, have a big job, and I have big things to do. Mrs. Bellefleur: Well, go then. No one's holding you prisoner. Andy: 'Night, y'all! He leaves. Mrs. Bellefleur: He's drinkin' again. Portia: We don't know that. His work is very stressfull, and he takes it all to heart. Mrs. Bellefleur: It's a mistake to coddle men, Bill. Don't you agree? Bill: I don't. I thoroughly enjoy a good coddling. Now, your husband's grandfather was James Bellefleur. Mrs. Bellefleur: Mmm-hmm. Bill: And he was the descendant of Jedediah Bellefleur. Mrs. Bellefleur: Mmm-hmm. Bill: I knew him from the battlefield. Mrs. Bellefleur: And James's father... I can't recall. Once upon a time, I could go back ten generations without giving it a thought. (To Portia) Uh, would you get the Bible for me? (Portia give it to her) Oh, thank you, dear. And a little whiskey? She opens the Bible. Mrs. Bellefleur: What a shame. It's so faded you can't read it. Bill: Would you permit me? Mrs. Bellefleur: Mmm. Portia: Vampire vision. Bill: So, Joseph Bellefleur was the son of Arthur Bellefleur, who was the son of James Bellefleur and Elizabeth Harris. Harris? Mrs. Bellefleur: Yes, she was the daughter of... You, you cannot... Bill: I understand. Please forgive me, I didn't know. Mrs. Bellefleur: I believe you. But you cannot... Bill: Of course. You have nothing to fear. Portia: What? Mrs. Bellefleur: Excuse me, I - I am... I'm really not feeling very well. She starts to leave the room. Bill: Good night. Portia: Grandmama, are you gonna be okay? Mrs. Bellefleur: Yes, dear. Yes. Portia gives him an interrogative look. Bill: I must go. Portia: Uh, tell me about it over drinks? Bill: You can't come with me. We cannot see each other anymore. Portia: Why? He goes outside, followed by Portia. Portia: Hey! Don't you walk away from me. I am a lawyer, Bill. I am a terrier. I will not let this go. Bill: Elizabeth Harris was the daughter of Lionel Harris and Sarah Compton. Portia: So? Bill: Sarah was my daughter. You're my great-great-great-great granddaughter. He leaves. Scene 22: Terry's house - Terry, Mikey, Arlene, Coby, Lisa. Terry (with Mickey in his arms) enters the living room, where Arlene:, Coby and Lisa are sleeping on the couch. Terry: You see that, Mickey? That's your family. That's your big brother and sister. And they're gonna teach you, and wrassle with you, protect you from your enemies. And that's your mama, the most beautiful mama in the whole world. And I'm your daddy, and I'm gonna teach you how to hunt and shoot and trap and fish and... And how to take clothes out of the dryer. Terry puts Mickey on a blanket on the floor. Terry: You just stay put. I'll be right back. Lisa moves and talk during her sleep. Lisa: Mom... Somebody writes on the wall. Then Terry comes back. Terry: Daddy's back. He sees that "Baby not yours" is written on the wall. Terry: No! Arlene: wakes up. Arlene:: What? Terry: Uh. She looks at the wall and screams. Then she and Terry look at Mickey, who's holding a pen. Scene 23: Sookie's house (Hideway) - Eric, Bill, Sookie. Sookie: You've been too quiet. This isn't like you. Eric: Yes, it is. Sookie: No, it's not. The real Eric... Eric: I am real. Sookie: Yes. You are. I meant the Eric with his memories. Not much gets him down. Sure, he's a rascal and a troublemaker, and most of the time, I'd like to slap the smile off his face, but he's a happy vampire. Eric: I'll never swim in the sun again. Never feel the heat on my skin. Never see the daylight in your hair. Sookie: Well, the nighttime's not so bad. You still got the stars and the sky. Eric: Don't. I'm not a child. Sookie: I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. Eric: You think I'm weak? Sookie: No. Eric: You want the Eric who doesn't feel. Sookie: It's not that. Eric: If you kiss me, I promise to be happy. Sookie: (after a little hesitation) No. Eric: Why? It's only a kiss. He slowly approaches her, but back up. Eric: Someone's at your door. Sookie: Don't come up. Sookie goes upstairs and opens the door to Bill. Bill: Sookie. Sookie: Bill. Bill: Are you well? You look well. Sookie: You, too. I'm great. What do you want? Bill: Eric. Sookie: He's gone. Bill: Wasn't it just the night before last that you were begging me to get him out of here? Sookie: But then he told me he was leavin' and I could stay. I thought you'd come through for me. Bill: Did he say where he was goin'? Sookie: Nope. Bill: You see, we searched his farm in Oakland, and Holland, and his apartment in Paris, and the plantation in Barbados, and, I mean, we looked everywhere. This is the one place that he owns that my guards haven't searched, so... With your permission... Sookie: Or without it? Bill: Well, I'd rather you agreed. Sookie: I'm not gonna let big goons with guns stomp around my clean house. Bill: I'll only be me. Sookie: I don't care who owns it on paper. This is still my home. There's not gonna be any search. Bill: I'm sorry. He goes to the door but she stands in front of him. Sookie: No. He pushes her. Sookie: How can you. Bill: I have to. It's my responsibility. Sookie: What reason do you have not to trust me? When have I ever lied to you? Ever? He's about to coming in but doesn't. Bill: You're right. Good night. He leaves and Sookie comes in. Scene 24: A road - Jason, Hoyt, Jessica. Jason is walking along the road. He's so exhausted that he fall on the floor. Jason: Whoa! He vomit, tries to get up, but faints. A car approaches. Jessica: Hoyt, stop! There's somebody laying there. Hoyt stops the car. Hoyt: Oh my god! It's Jason. They go out of the car. Jessica: Jason? Hoyt: Stay, stay with us, J! We gotcha. Jessica gives him her blood. Jessica: Jason, drink. Jason: Mmm. Scene 25: Mickens's new place - Tommy, Melinda, Joe Lee. Melinda: If we had a book, I'd make you read it to me. Tommy: I could do it, too. You know, there's a trick you can use when you don't know the word. Melinda: Is that right? Tommy: Yeah, you sound out all the letters, and you put'em together and you listen. And then all of a sudden, you're like, "Hey, I do know that word". Melinda: I'm fixin' to bust, I'm so proud. Tommy: Yeah? Melinda: My baby's an educated man. Tommy: It's a good feelin' Tommy: Joe Lee throw you back in the ring? I can see the scars. And from the looks of your throat, you barely made it out alive. Melinda: It was a Rottie. Skinny little thing. Didn't look like much. Tommy: Mmm. Oh, man. Melinda: I thought I'd kill him quick, shift in the van, have a nice cold beer. But that aint't the way it went. Tommy: You never know how it's gonna go. How many times you tell me that? And you're too old to be fightin'. Melinda: f*ckin' puppy had me by the throat in two seconds flat. If your daddy hadn't nailed him with a pipe, you wouldn't have a mama no more. Tommy: Goddamn Joe Lee. You know, I wish I could throw him in the pen with six starvin' chows, show him what it's like. Melinda: No, you got that wrong. He saved my life. Tommy: What, you left him and you're still standin' up for him? Joe Lee suddenly appears behind Tommy to wrap a chain around Tommy's neck. Tommy: Whoa! Joe Lee strangles him. Joe Lee: She will never leave me. Tommy: (to Melinda) You lied! Melinda: Honey, we missed you! We need you! We can't make it out without you. Joe Lee: Her scars are your fault! You threw us away like we was sh1t! Tommy: You are sh1t! Joes Lee strangles him harder. Joe Lee: I'm really gonna train you now. Tommy: Ahh, Blah! Melinda: Don't hurt him bad. Joe Lee: You will learn obedience. Loyalty. Family. Son, you done drew your last free breath. Scene 26: The woods - Jesus, Lafayette, Pam, Marnie, Tara. They're all in a circle made of candles. Jesus circles Marnie with salt while Tara's holding a gun in Pam's direction. Marnie: How am I expected to repair the vampire if he isn't here? Pam: That's your problem. Reverse the spell or I'll bite your f*ckin' head off. Tara: Then you'll never get Eric. Pam: If you guys are so lame you can't even turn around your own magic, he's as good as dead anyway. Lafayette: Well, so are you, bitch. Ain't nobody here to keep you safe, and we know where you f*ckin' live at. Pam: There's always a special place in my dungeon for you, Lafayette. Jesus: This, this is the one. Marnie: I can't find my glasses. Jesus: They're right here. Marnie: Oh, thank you. Pam: Are you f*ckin' retarded? Tara: Shut the f*ck up or we won't even try. Pam: Make her f*cking do somethin'. Marnie: Top to say "f*ck". I can't concentrate. (She starts the spell) Mmm, North, South, East, West. Noth, South, East... North, South, East, West. North, South, East... Mnemosyne, Goddess of memory, goddess of time, heal your wayward son of the underworld, Eric Northman. Bathe him in Hades, in your pool of remembrance... Pam: This is bullshit. Wind rises and Marnie lets the book fall. Pam: Listen, bitch. I don't have time for this. Fix my maker. She tries to go closer but Marnie stops her with one hand. Marnie: Moil, mortuus, moriturus! Liquefactum, et calesco putridas! Pam's face starts to rot. Pam: Oh! Oh! Marnie: (in Spanish) Corrupt, unsanctified corpse that walks... behold your true self! Pam scrams and escapes. And we can see a fire in Marnie's eyes while she laughs.Then she faints.

Plan: A: Claudine's faerie blood; Q: What does Eric become drunk on? A: a lake; Q: What body of water does Eric swim in? A: Alcide; Q: Who does Sookie enlist to help find Eric? A: Jason; Q: Who is pursued by werepanthers? A: Hotshot; Q: What is the name of the town where Jason is held captive? A: Felton; Q: Who does Jason kill? A: Jessica; Q: Who gives Jason some of her blood to help heal his wounds? A: Nan Flanagan; Q: Who tells Bill that she does not believe the witches pose any real danger? A: his descendant; Q: What is Portia Bellefleur to Bill? A: their relationship; Q: What does Bill end with Portia? A: Marnie; Q: Who is possessed by a witch named Antonia? A: centuries ago; Q: When was Antonia burned at the stake? A: the amnesia spell; Q: What does Lafayette, Jesus and Tara urge Marnie to reverse? A: Pam; Q: Who threatens Marnie? A: the witch's spirit; Q: What takes over Marnie? A: the flesh; Q: What begins to decay on Pam's face? A: her home; Q: Where does Sookie refuse to let Bill search for Eric? A: Sam; Q: Who learns that Luna's ex-husband is a jealous werewolf? A: Tommy; Q: Who goes to see his mother? A: his evil father; Q: Who prevents Tommy from leaving his mother? A: dog-fighting; Q: What is Tommy being used for? Summary: Eric becomes drunk on Claudine's faerie blood and runs away from Sookie: he is able to daywalk in sunlight well into the daylight hours and takes a swim in a lake. Sookie enlists Alcide's help in finding Eric. Meanwhile, Jason escapes from Hotshot, pursued by werepanthers. He kills Felton and runs away from Crystal, and eventually collapses next to a highway where he is discovered by Hoyt and Jessica, who gives Jason some of her blood to help heal his wounds. Nan Flanagan tells Bill that she does not believe the witches pose any real danger. Bill discovers that Portia Bellefleur is his descendant and ends their relationship. Meanwhile, Marnie is possessed by a witch named Antonia, whom she sees in a vision burned at the stake centuries ago. Lafayette, Jesus and Tara urge Marnie to reverse the amnesia spell she has put on Eric. When Pam gets fed up with Marnie's slow progress in reversing the spell, she threatens her; Marnie is once again taken over by the witch's spirit and curses Pam, causing the flesh on her face to begin to decay. Elsewhere, Arlene and Terry are frightened when their baby appears to write "baby not yours" on a wall. Sookie refuses to let Bill into her home to search for Eric. Also, Sam learns that Luna's ex-husband, the father of her child, is a jealous werewolf. Tommy goes to see his mother, but his evil father prevents him from leaving so that he can be used for dog-fighting again.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is eating breakfast as Chandler comes out of his bedroom, ripping his coat in the process.] Chandler: Wow! That ripped! That ripped real nice! Joey: How many times do I have to tell you! Ya, turn and sliiiide! Y'know, turn and slide. Chandler: You don't turn and slide, you throw it out! I'm tired of having to get a tetanus shot every time I get dressed! Joey: Look, we're not throwing it out! I built this thing with my own hands! Chandler: All right, how about we, how 'bout we sell it. Joey: All right. But, you're gonna have to tell them. (He opens the cabinet to reveal the chick and the duck living inside with Christmas lights and a disco ball as decorations.) Chandler: (nods his head) Do you mind if we stick you in another cabinet? (to Joey) They seem all right with it! OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are there. Monica is checking the messages.] Chip: (on machine) Hey Monica, it's Chip. Monica: Yesss!! Ross: Who's Chip? Monica: Shhh! Chip: (on machine) Good runnin' into you at the bank today, so ah, here's my number, 555-9323. Give me a call. Later. Monica: Chip, is Chip Matthews. Ross: The guy who took Rachel to the prom? Why is he calling you? Monica: 'Cause I ran into him at the bank, he is still soo cute. Ross: Monica, you're so lucky! He's like the most popular guy in school!! Monica: I know!! (calls him) (on phone) Chip? Hi! It's Monica. (listens) 'Kay. (listens) 'Kay. (listens) Okay. (listens) Okay, good-bye. (hangs up) Oh my God, we just had the best conversation!! (goes into her room as Rachel enters) Ross: (to Rachel) I was just leaving. Rachel: Good! 'Cause I've got a product report to read, it's like eight pages, I hope I don't fall asleep. Ross: Why? Did you write it? Rachel: (sees Chip's phone number) Wow! Look at that, Chip Matthews called. I wonder what he wants? Ross: Well ah, actually... Rachel: (interrupting) I bet he sensed that I was ready to have s*x with another guy. Ross: Well, umm, why don't you give him a call? Rachel: Okay. (picks up phone) Are you sure you wanna hear this? Ross: Oh, I'm sure. Rachel: (on phone) Chip! Hi, it's Rachel. (listens) Rachel Green. Yeah, umm, you left me a message. (listens) Yes you did, my roommate wrote it down. (listens) Monica Geller. (listens) Ohh. Ross: (whispering in her ear) Oh, that's right! He called to ask out Monica! That-that's gotta be embarrassing! [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is finishing up a song.] Phoebe: (screaming, angrily) ...DUMB, DRUNKEN, BITCH!!! (applause) (happily) Thank you, thanks. Ross: (reading the newspaper) Hey, here's a question; where did you guys get the finest oak East of the Mississippi? Chandler: Uh-huh, first you tell us where you got the prettiest lace in all the land. Ross: I'm reading your ad. Joey: Looks good, uh? Ross: Yeah. Chandler: (reading the ad) Stunning entertainment center. Fine, (pause) fine Italian craftsmanship. (Joey is very proud of himself) Phoebe: Oh my God, you guys are selling the entertainment center? Rachel: Why? I love that thing. Chandler: You want it? Phoebe and Rachel: Oh no. Chandler: Ahh, Gepeto, $5,000 dollars? Are you insane? Joey: Hey, the ad alone cost 300 bucks! Chandler: All right look, I'm changing it to 50 bucks, or your best offer. Joey: What kind of profit is that?! And you call yourself an accountant. Chandler: (looks at him) Nooo. Joey: Oh. What do you do? Chandler: I can't believe you don't know what I do for a living! Phoebe: Yeah, I actually don't know... Ross: Good, so do I Rachel: Something to do with numbers? [Cut to someone entering Central Perk which lets a cat in. The cat then runs over to Phoebe's guitar case and starts sniffing around.] Phoebe: Oh my God! No! Shoo! Kitty! No! No-no-no! Shoo! Come on, you! (goes over and picks up the cat) Come on. Crazy. (looks into the cat's eyes) Oh my God. Rachel: What? Phoebe: Nothing. Nothing. Joey: What? What's wrong? Phoebe: I just, I just have this really strong feeling that this cat is my Mother. Rachel: You mean the mom you met in Montauk. She was a cat?! Phoebe: No, no-no, she was a human lady. This is the spirit of my Mom Lily, the one who killed herself. Ross: Are you sure she's in the cat, or have you been taking your grandma's glycoma medicine again? Phoebe: No Dr. Skeptismo! I'm sure. First of all, okay, there's the feeling. (Chandler shrugs) Okay, and for another, how about the fact that she went into my guitar case which is lined with orange felt. (Rachel nods her head in unsure agreement) My Mother's favourite fish is Orange Roughy... (Joey thinks he understands, but then nods that he has no clue.) Cats....like....fish! (Ross and Rachel are totally lost) (to the cat) Hi, Mommy. (Rachel covers her mouth, in an "Oh my God." gesture) Oh, I haven't seen this smile in 17 years! Joey: (to Chandler) Dude, Phoebe's mom has got a huge peni... Chandler: (interrupting) Let it go!! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is working as Monica enters.] Monica: Hey! Rachel: Umm, when were you gonna tell me that you're going out with Chip Matthews? Monica: Now? Is it okay if I go out with Chip Matthews? Rachel: Nooo! It's not okay! I can't believe you would want to after what he did to me! Monica: What, that little thing at the prom? Rachel: Monica! I couldn't find him for two hours! He was having s*x with Amy Welch! Monica: Come on, that was back in high school! How could that still bother you? Rachel: I mean why, of all people would you want to go out with Chip?! Monica: Look, you and I went to different high schools... Rachel: Okay, that doesn't help me, because we went to the same high school. Monica: You went to one where you were popular, and you got to ride off Chip's motorcycle, and wear his letterman jacket. I went to one where I wore a band uniform they had to have specially made. Rachel: (shocked) They had to have that specially made?! Monica: It was a project for one of the Home Ec classes. Rachel: (stunned) Oh my God, they told us that was for the mascot! Monica: Back then, I thought that I would never, ever get the chance to go out with a Chip Matthews, and now he's-he's called me up and asked me out. And the fat girl inside of me really wants to go. I-I owe her this. I never let her eat. Rachel: Oh, you go out with him. (goes over and hugs her) Monica: Oh, really?! Rachel: Yeah. Just, if it's possible, could you leave him somewhere and go have s*x with another guy? Monica: I'll try. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, they are all there eating breakfast.] Ross: So you guys having any luck getting rid of the entertainment center? Joey: Well, there were a couple of calls last night, but ah, I don't think any of them are gonna work out. Chandler: Yes, Joey has a very careful screening process. Apparently, not everyone is qualified to own wood and nails. Phoebe: (is struggling with the cat) Stop it! Stop it! She keeps squirming, trying to get away! Just like when she was alive. Ross: So Pheebs, how long is your mom gonna be with us? Phoebe: Well, I'm not sure. I mean, I guess until she y'know, gets used to the fact that there's y'know, a new mom. Y'know, I think she's worried that y'know, she's gonna, she's gonna be replaced. (to the cat, in a funny voice) Well, that's not gonna happen is it? Noo. (gets up) Okay, I have to return a call in the other room. Monica: Why can't you use the phone in here? Phoebe: Well, I'm returning a call from a certain mom at the B-E-A-C-H. I just spelled the wrong word. (goes into Monica's room) Ross: So, guys, am I crazy, or does Phoebe's mom remind anyone of a cat? Monica: Ross, don't start. Ross: Come on, you-you can't tell me you actually believe that-that there's a woman inside that cat! Rachel: I believe it. Ross: No you don't. Rachel: Yes, I do. Ross: No you do--y'know what, you're not gonna suck me into this. Rachel: Oh sure I am, because you always have to be right. Ross: I do not always have to be--okay, okay. (starts to leave) Rachel: Jurassic Park could happen. (Ross wants to say something, but just smiles and leaves.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are showing a couple of guys (Tony and Peter) the entertainment center.] Tony: Wow! That's ah, that's pretty nice! Joey: Pretty nice? Chandler: You'll have to pardon my roommate, he wanted to marry this. Tony: We don't have 50 bucks, but would you be willing to trade for it? We've got a canoe. (Joey jumps up in excitement and without turning around Chandler holds out his hand stopping him, and ushering him back into his seat. Joey sits down, dejected.) Chandler: Y'know, I, I really don't think we need a canoe. Tony: You gotta take the canoe! Chandler: All right, just, just take the entertainment center, and then when you get home, throw the canoe away! Peter: We're not throwing it away! I built that canoe! (starts to leave as Tony chases after him) Joey: (to Peter) Good for you!! [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Monica, and Ross are there.] Rachel: (entering) You guys, you're never gonna believe what I just found tacked up on a telephone pole! (She's holding a flyer.) Look kinda familiar? Ross: (taking the flyer) Apparently Phoebe's mother also goes by the name Julio. Rachel: You guys, there's a little girl in Soho looking for this cat. I mean, you know what that means?! Joey: (looking at the flyer) Yeah-eah! 200 dollar reward, split five ways!! Rachel: Do we have to tell her? Ross: Yes, we have to tell her! Monica: Oh, but it's made her so happy. Ross: (holds up a hand) Little girl misses her cat. (hold up the other hand) Crazy lady thinks her mother is in a cat. (gets up) Okay, y'know what, I have to go have dinner with my son, can I trust that when you see Phoebe, you will tell her. All: (disappointed) Yeah. Ross: Thank you. Rachel: I hate when Ross is right! Monica: He is right, isn't he? Chandler: Y'know what, I think this might be one of the times he's wrong. All: You think? Chandler: Oh-no, he's right. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Central Perk, the same scene is continued from before the break. With Joey, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler sitting on the couch.] Phoebe: (entering, with Julio) Hi. (sits down in the chair) Monica: Hi! All: Hey! Joey: Uh, Pheebs, about your mom... Phoebe: Yeah? Joey: (pause) How's that going? Phoebe: So great. Oh, we took a nap today and my Mom fell asleep on my tummy and purred. Joey: That's so sweet. (pause) I'm gonna get some coffee. (gets up and leaves) Monica: (sliding into Joey's place on the couch to try and talk to Phoebe) Huh? What'd ya say Joe? I'll be right there. (gets up and joins Joey) (Rachel and Chandler slide into position.) Rachel: Pheebs... Phoebe: I just feel so, uhh..... Rachel: All right!! Chandler: I'm coming already!! Rachel: Jeez! (They both get up and leave Phoebe alone.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is reading at the kitchen table as there is a knock on the door.] Monica: (running from the bathroom to her room, wearing only a towel) Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! (gets to her room and closes the door, as Rachel gets up to answer the door.) Rachel: Hello, Chip. Chip: Hey, Rach! How ya doin'? Rachel: I'm great! I'm great. I've got a great job at Bloomingdale's, have wonderful friends, and eventhough I'm not seeing anyone right now, I've never felt better about myself. Chip: So ah, Monica ready yet? Rachel: She'll be out in a second. So, Chip, how's umm, Amy Welch? Chip: Amy Welch? Wow! I haven't seen her since... So, Monica about ready? [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is showing off the entertainment center.] Joey: This is the unit for you my friend. Sturdy construction, tons of storage compartments, some big enough to fit a grown man. Guy: What?! Joey: Oh yeah! I got in there myself once. My roommate bet me five bucks that I couldn't, and then he stuck a board through the handles that locked me in. Yeah. It was funny 'til I started feeling like I was in a coffin. Guy: No, you, you can't fit in that thing. That's not deep enough. Joey: Oh yeah? (opens up the center and takes out the stereo) If I can't, I'll knock five bucks off the price off the unit. Guy: All right, you have yourself a deal. (shakes his hand) Joey: Okay. (he gets in the unit and closes the door) See?! I told ya! (The guys takes a hockey stick and slips it through the handles then proceeds to take the stereo and Chandler's computer and walk out.) Joey: Sometimes I get in here just to get away from it! Hey, a nickel!! [Scene: A street, Chip is walking Monica to his motorcycle.] Chip: Here, we are. Monica: Oh my God! You still have the Chipper! Chip: The what? Monica: That's what we used to call your ah, your motorcycle in high school. Y'know how a motorcycle is a Chopper, and you're Chip. Nevermind. Chip: No, I think it's cute. (kisses her) Monica: Wow! A lipper from Chipper. Chip: So you still in touch with anyone from high school? Monica: Umm. Well, there's Rachel, and umm, I think that's it. How bout you? Chip: Oh yeah, I still hang with Simmons and Zana, y'know. I see Spindler a lot. Devane, Kelly, and I run into Goldie from time to time. Steve Brown, Zuchoff, McGwire, J.T., Breadsly. Monica: Is that all? Chip: Ehh, y'know after high school, you just kinda lose touch. Oh yeah! I ran into Richard Dorfman. Monica: Ohh, how is he? Chip: Not so good, Simmons and I gave him a wedgie. Monica: Isn't he an architect now? Chip: Yeah, they still wear underwear. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is coming home. As we walks through the door, and without looking up, he goes to throw his keys on the foosball table, only, it's gone and the keys it the floor. He then looks up at an empty apartment; everything is gone except for the entertainment center and that ceramic dog. Even the food in the fridge!] Chandler: OH MY GOD!!! Joey: (still trapped in the entertainment center) WHAT?!! Chandler: Are you all right?! Joey: Yeah... Chandler: (lets him out) What happened?!! Joey: (getting out) Awww, man! He promised he wouldn't take the chairs!! Chandler: What the hell happened?!! How were you locked in?!! And where the hell is all of our stuff?!! Joey: Well, this guy came by to look at the unit and-and he said he didn't think big enough to fit a grown man! Chandler: So--You got in voluntarily?! Joey: I was tryin' to make a sale!! Oh, man, if I ever run into that guy again, do you know what I'm gonna do? Chandler: BEND OVER?!!! [Scene: Dot's Spot, Chip and Monica are on there date, eating dinner. Chip is telling a story.] Chip: ...and then Zana, just let one rip!! (laughs histerically) Monica: Look, not that I enjoy talking about people who I went to high school with, 'cause I do, but umm, maybe we could talk about something else? Like you, I don't even know where you work? Chip: You know where I work! Monica: I do? Chip: The movie theatre, you used to come in all the time. Monica: You still work at the multiplex? Chip: Oh, like I'd give up that job! Free popcorn and candy, anytime I want. I can get you free posters for your room. Monica: Thanks, I'm set. Do you still live with your parents? Chip: Oh yeah, but I can stay out as late as I want. (Monica takes a big swig of her martini.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Rachel, Phoebe, and Julio are consoling Joey and Chandler.] Rachel: Wow! They really got you guys. Your T.V. The chairs. Phoebe: Oh yeah, your microwave. The stereo. Joey: (looking through a deck of cards) Aww, man, he took the five of spades!! Oh, no-no-no, here it is! Monica: (entering) Oh my God! What happened? Chandler: Oh, umm, Joey was born, and then 28 years later, I was robbed!! Rachel: (to Monica) So, how was your date? Monica: Well, y'know how I always wanted to go out with Chip Matthews in high school? Rachel: Um-hmm. Monica: Well, tonight, I actually went out with Chip Matthews in high school. Rachel: Oh honey, I'm sorry. Monica: No, it's okay, not only did I get to go out with Chip Matthews, I got to dump Chip Matthews. Rachel: Ohh! That's so great! Monica: I know! Ross: (entering) Hey! So ah, what did the insurance company say? Chandler: Oh, they said uh, "You don't have insurance here, so stop calling us." Ross: (seeing Phoebe still with cat) You didn't tell her?! (They all kinda shy away.) Okay, fine! Pheebs? Phoebe: Yeah? (sees Ross) Hi! Ross: Hi! Listen uhh, this cat belongs to a little girl. There are flyers all over the place. Rachel: I'm sorry, sweetie. (shows her the flyer) Monica: Hey, we can take her back with you if you want. Phoebe: Ohh. Um-hmm. But y'know, she choose to find me. I mean, I have to respect her decision. Right? Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Rachel: That's a good call. Right. Ross: No! No! Look--Hey, enough is enough! Look, I am sorry that you feel guilty or whatever about spending time with your new mom, but this is not your old mom. This is a cat! Okay, Julio the cat! Not mom! Cat! Phoebe: (she turns around and puts the cat on the entertainment center) Ross, how many parents have you lost? Ross: None. Phoebe: Okay, then you don't know what it feels like when one of them comes back. Do you? I believe this is my Mother. Even if I'm wrong, who cares? Just be a friend. Okay? Be supportive. Ross: I'm sorry. Phoebe: Okay. Ross: I don't know what to say. Rachel: You could.... say you're sorry to her mom. Phoebe: I think she would like that. Ross: (goes over to Julio) Come here, here, come here, come here, (pause) Mrs. Buffay. Sorry, about what I said, umm, it was, it was insensitive of me to say that you were just a cat. When clearly you are also the reincarnated spirit, of my friend's mother. Phoebe: Thank you. We both forgive you. Rachel: So honey, what are you gonna do about the little girl? Phoebe: Yeah, okay, listen, umm, Mom, I hope you know you still mean a lot to me. And you're welcome to come back anytime. Chandler: Pheebs, if she could come back as a couch, we'd really appreciate it. (Joey nods in agreement) Phoebe: Come on, Mom, I'll take you home. Rachel: I'll go with you. Monica: Me too. (they all leave) Ross: Oh! Y'know, I've got an extra futon. Joey: Dude, you don't have to brag! We got nothing here!! CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler have trading the entertainment center for the canoe. Joey is sitting in the bow, staring off into space as to envision his future full of possibilities. Chandler is sitting at the stern, staring into space and is looking at an uncertain future.]

Plan: A: Chip Matthews; Q: Who is Rachel's high school prom date? A: tensions; Q: What does Chip's date with Monica cause between her and Rachel? A: Chandler; Q: Who forces Joey to sell the entertainment unit he built? A: A prospective buyer traps; Q: Who traps Joey inside the entertainment unit? A: the guys' belongings; Q: What did the prospective buyer steal? A: , spirit; Q: Phoebe is overjoyed to find a cat she believes contains her mother, Lily's, what? Summary: Monica runs into Chip Matthews, Rachel's high school prom date. Monica is thrilled when he asks her out, though it causes tensions between her and Rachel (and ultimately Ross); Monica quickly realizes Chip has never matured beyond high school and dumps him. Chandler forces Joey to sell the entertainment unit he built. A prospective buyer traps Joey inside the unit, then steals the guys' belongings. Phoebe is overjoyed to find a cat she believes contains her mother, Lily's, spirit.

OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Stephen: You know what's interesting about being engaged? Fiancées don't like it when you get out of bed at 3:00 A.M. to go see another woman. But, you called, I came, and I brought our best friend Shiraz. Liv? Hey, Liv. Hey. Hey. I got it. Olivia: Amanda's asleep in the guest room. I don't want to wake her. Stephen: Whatever it is, we will fix it. Olivia: You should have seen me forcing water down her throat to make her pee. It was like something out of Abu Ghraib. Stephen: Uh, let me get this clear. Amanda Tanner is- Olivia: Pregnant with the President's baby, yes. Stephen: Right. Are you sure it's his? Olivia: I'm sure. Stephen: Liv. Olivia: I'm sure. Stephen: How bad is this for you? I know you're friends with the President, with his wife. There's no shame in saying you can't handle this. Olivia: What? Quinn: You'd better come down to the office. There's an army here. Olivia: An army of what? Reporters? Lawyers? Quinn: An actual army. Stephen: Liv. Olivia: We gotta go in. I need to put on some decent clothes, and we'll take your car because I think I've had too much wine to drive. I'll be ready in two minutes. Stephen: Liv. Olivia: No, I'm fine. Really. I'm good now. I can handle anything. Two minutes. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Quinn: I didn't know. They barged in. They wouldn't even say who they were. Abby: You were alone. You did the right thing. Quinn: I should've stopped them. I just surrendered, without a fight. I surrendered the whole office. Olivia: Who's speaking at the O.A.S.? Who's in town? Quinn: O.A.S.? Harrison: Organization of American States. Annual conference this week. Abby: Bolivia, Brazil, Haiti, Honduras Stephen: You think it's the Cubans? They've been wooing us for months. Huck: Would you like me to get a gun? Quinn: You have a gun? Abby: I have one, too. Olivia: No guns. Harrison: You gave them coffee? Quinn: So they wouldn't kill me. Olivia: (In Spanish) Good evening, gentlemen. Thank you so much for dropping in, but I'm going to need to get into my office now. Olivia: Of course. El general. Quinn: Who is it? Huck: General Benicio Florez. Abby: Otherwise known as ruthless, repressive, political freedom-hating, police brutality-loving, South American leftist dictator. Olivia: And sworn enemy of the United States. Benicio: My wife and my two youngest children were kidnapped. Taken from a restaurant this afternoon in Dupont Circle. My oldest son Felipe saw them being pulled away in a van. Stephen: Is the FBI on it? Benicio: The FBI probably did this. Look, the only reason I'm even in this country is because of this O.A.S. conference. Half of my security detail was sent away at the airport. Does that give you an idea of what kind of cooperation I'm gonna get from this government? Huck: They've been trying to overthrow him for years. Benicio: I know that in the eyes of your president, I'm somewhere between Castro and Gadhafi. But before I am a so-called dictator, before I am a general, I am a husband. I am a father. And I need to have my family safe. I will do anything to see them again. You are my best and my only chance. Abby: Tell me we're not going to take on a dictator as a client. Harrison: They're just talking. Abby: You don't talk for that long if you're not gonna take somebody on. Huck: Well, you do if the elevator hasn't come. Stephen: Exactly. She's just being polite. It doesn't mean she's gonna represent him. Abby: That does. Welcome to Olivia Pope and Associates, El general. Your delightful death squads are now our delightful death squads. Stephen: The man does not have death squads. Abby: Come on. We used to vote on this stuff! And now apparently, we don't even get to speak. Olivia: Stephen, Abby, first thing in the morning, talk to the older son. Huck, Harrison, see if you can dig up any eyewitnesses at the restaurant. Abby: So we're taking the case? What? Your good friend the general we're taking him on as a client even though we didn't vote, even though the rest of us didn't have a say? Stephen: We need to cut Olivia some serious slack right now. Amanda Tanner is pregnant. [SCENE_BREAK] CYRUS BEENE'S HOUSE Olivia: Hello, James. Good to see you. James: It's Sunday. It's Sunday. Olivia: I don't get a hug anymore? James: Not on Sunday. Olivia: I'll be quick. James: I am trying to keep him from dropping dead of a heart attack, a heart attack brought on by people like you. Olivia: I just need five minutes. James: Coming by here and thinking he's gonna work on a Sunday. No. He doesn't work on Sunday unless there's a war. Is there a war? Olivia: Somewhere in the world, there's always a war. James: When my husband's dead, I'm blaming you. [SCENE_BREAK] CYRUS BEENE'S HOUSE Cyrus: I'm surprised James let you in on a Sunday. Olivia: Things are bad. He's in trouble, Cyrus. This is real. Amanda Tanner is pregnant. I need to know if he maybe took precautions with Amanda. Cyrus: You want to know if the president wore condoms when he slept around? I don't know. I think that's your area. Did he wear one with you? How much? Olivia: I could probably sell $10 million. Cyrus: Over five years. Olivia: Over three. Cyrus: I'll see what I can do. Olivia: You and I aren't friends anymore. Don't come here again. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Amanda: You told Cyrus Beene that I was pregnant, and he still won't let me see the President? Olivia: Amanda, I need you to focus. They're talking about $10 million. That could buy you a lot. That could buy you a life. Amanda: I just think if you could get them to reconsider, if I, if I have a chance to sit with the president for five minutes I don't understand why this is happening, why they won't let me see him. I need a moment, just a moment to talk to him. If I had a moment, if we were alone Olivia: Amanda- Amanda: Just five minutes alone! How hard is that? I could just they put me in a chair outside of his office, and I wait. I wait until he has a break, some kind of break in his schedule. Olivia: Amanda, that isn't going to happen! Don't you understand that? He is the most powerful man on the planet, and you are a threat to that power. You are a threat to his government. You are never ever gonna be in the same room with the President, much less alone with him ever again. So if you don't want money, you need to decide what you do want. And I am not asking for your fairy-tale hopes and your princess dreams. The fairy tale is over, Amanda. You have a child to consider. So I need to know what you want that is real. So what do you want? Do you want to keep this baby? Do you want to have an abortion? Do you want to give it up for adoption? What do you want? Amanda: I want to keep this baby. Olivia: Okay. Amanda: And I want to tell the world what he did. He told me he loved me. He told me to trust him, that he'd take care of me, and now he won't even take five minutes to...they think I'm just gonna go away, just like that? I trusted him. I-He should burn for this. Olivia: Amanda. Amanda: You're asking me what I want. I want them all to burn for this. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES David: Olivia, you look great. Uh, new lipstick? It's working. So you know the old guy who runs the newsstand on the corner of "C" Street and Constitution? I buy my paper and coffee there every day for 11 years. This place is my ritual, my personal landmark, and these vulture developers want to knock it down, and I want you to save it by horse trading or threatening or getting it put on the National Register of Historic Newsstands or whatever it is you people do. Olivia. Abby: Is she? Huck: I got this. Huck: What do you need? Olivia: Just one minute. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE Cyrus: It's a good speech. Fitz: It's the same speech every President has given at the O.A.S. for the past 40 years. I'm pretty sure things have changed since the Cuban Revolution, and I'm giving the same speech. Cyrus: It's a great speech. Fitz: I bet Eisenhower thought so when he wrote it, but I'd like to say something a little more original. Cyrus: We employ the best speechwriters in the western world. Fitz: Are there better ones in the eastern world? Cyrus: Nobody likes a smart-ass, Mr. President. Mary: Mr. Beene. They're ready for you, sir. Cyrus: I'll put J.P. and Sally on writing you a new speech, okay? Now if you'll excuse me. Fitz: Anything new on the Olivia front? Cyrus: Nothing I can't handle, Mr. President. Cyrus: Billy. I don't have a lot of time. Billy: Well, let's get right to it then. Cyrus, meet Sanders Black. Sanders, Cyrus Beene. Sanders: The President's Chief of Staff needs no introduction. Cyrus: I know that you've signed confidentiality agreements and been briefed on the sensitive nature of this meeting, but I'm going to take a moment to remind you that I will personally make sure you never ever work again within the borders of this fine nation if you breathe a word or the edge of a word outside this room. Now I'm a busy man. Let's go. Sanders: Good. Got it. Okay then. When I'm investigating someone, I leave no stone unturned. I want to know where they come from. I want to know what they've done. Where do they go? Who did they see? Have they made mistakes? Do they have debts? Enemies? Do they drink, smoke, snort, shoot? If any one of them has so much as even a parking ticket, I will find out about it. This group here, hiding a lot more than just parking tickets. Let's start with Olivia Pope. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Abby: Carolina Florez Cuban-born, Boston-raised. She was a waitress at a Harvard bar when she met a cute undergrad named Benicio, or as I like to call him, the butcher of San Miguel. Stephen: Abby. Abby: They fell in love, got married. He brought her back with him to his home country. They have three kids, lived happily ever after in their little dictatorship, until last night, when according to their oldest son Felipe. Felipe: They were in the bathroom a long time. I went to check and then saw them out the back. The men they pushed them in a van. And I ran inside for help. Stephen: Restaurant bathroom window was smashed. Glass everywhere. Signs of a struggle. Abby: But then we went out back. [SCENE_BREAK] OUTSIDE RESTAURANT Abby: Unless they had the world's smallest van... Stephen: There's no way out of there. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: At least not how the kid says he saw it. What about other witnesses? [SCENE_BREAK] RESTAURANT Waitress: I didn't hear anything. All I know is they were gone, and the older kid was still here, freaked out. Harrison: Anything strange happen at the table? Waitress: Mm just a normal lunch. She had a lot of iced tea. The little boy cute, maybe 7? He played with one of those electronic game thingies. Huck: What kind? What model? What year? Harrison: Focus, fanboy. Waitress: I don't know. It was white? [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Harrison: So yeah, basically we have nothing. Olivia: This doesn't add up. We need to keep digging. Look for a motive. Political opposition, maybe or- Huck: I got a signal. Harrison: What? Huck: The kid's Gen 9 S.D. is Wi-Fi-enabled. Fanboy here tracked the I.P. address to the dynamic host configuration protocol assigned to the ARM9 processor and was then able to ping the server's geo-location vector. Olivia: English, Huck. Huck: I found the toy, which means I found them. Olivia: Go now. Get her. Call David. See if he can get D.C. Metro to send backup. Don't go in alone. [SCENE_BREAK] CHURCH David: Good thing you called. Wouldn't want you to have to deal with all this on your own. I'll take the two nuns on the left. You guys get the one with the baby. Abby: You think Huck got it wrong? Stephen: Huck never gets it wrong. Abby: Then she wasn't kidnapped. Stephen: She ran. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE Cyrus: What about this Huck character? Is this really all there is? Sanders: Well, Huck is obviously not his real name. CIA denies knowing him, but they also sent three agents over to my office to encourage me to stop checking into his background. So clearly he's one of theirs. Other than that, he is a mystery. Billy: Do you have a guess? Sanders: My guess is that if you meet this guy in a dark alley, you're done. Billy: Oh. [SCENE_BREAK] CHURCH Carolina: I knew it. I knew he would send someone. I was so stupid. I wasn't thinking. I took Paola and Manuel to the bathroom, and I saw the back door, and I just started thinking, this is it. My security men are at the bar. This is my chance. So I took it. Stephen: Did he hurt you? Carolina: No. Abby: Then why run? Carolina: I don't love him anymore. 15 years ago I married a good man, a kind man. A man who looked at his country and dreamed of ways to make it better. But now Benicio thinks everyone's out to get him. You disagree with him, you disappear. You don't tell a man like that you're unhappy. You don't ask a man like that for a divorce. You don't leave a man like that. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE Sanders: Abigail Whelan married for four years to Charles Putney, the youngest son of former Virginia governor James Putney. She left him when he allegedly beat her in a drunken rage. Divorce proceedings are full of ugly details. It's all in your files. [SCENE_BREAK] CHURCH Abby: Your oldest son he said you were kidnapped. Carolina: When I was in the bathroom wondering if I could do it, he came to look for me. And when he saw me, he knew. Abby: He wouldn't come with you. Carolina: He loves his father, and I couldn't ask him to choose. I don't know, it just all happened so quickly. I guess you have to take me back to my husband. Abby: No. We don't. [SCENE_BREAK] RESTAURANT Quinn: This is not a date. Gideon: On the rocks, with salt. Quinn: I cannot date you. I work for Olivia Pope. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE Cyrus: And the new girl? Sanders: Quinn Perkins started less than four weeks ago. Left a cushy associates gig at O'Malley and Lee. Billy: Why is there nothing in her file? Sanders: That's a good question. Uh, we're still working on it. Cyrus: What's the problem? Sanders: Well, as far as we know, Quinn Perkins didn't exist until [SCENE_BREAK] RESTAURANT Gideon: Quinn, I won't ask you about Amanda Tanner. I won't use you for my story. I don't need to. I like you. Okay? So relax. Drink your margarita. Quinn: Wait. Why? Gideon: Why what? Why don't you need to use me for a story about Amanda Tanner? Gideon: Because I have another source. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE Cyrus: Harrison Wright. Sanders: Harrison Wright. Grew up right here in D.C. He somehow managed to go from selling luxury cars in Takoma Park to working for Adnan Salif. Made a mountain of money and managed to only get six months when Salif went down for insider trading. Cyrus: How'd he pull it off? Sanders: Great lawyer. Olivia Pope defended him pro bono. [SCENE_BREAK] HOTEL Abby: Hi. My sister and her kids need a room for the night. Do you have something with two double beds? Worker: Yes, we do. Stephen: This is insane. We need to tell Olivia we have her. Abby: We will tell her. We just won't tell her until tomorrow or the next day at the latest as soon as we get her asylum. She's fried, Stephen. She's not wearing a white hat anymore. Stephen: I'm not lying. Abby: Olivia? Hey, it's me. Stephen's putting gas in the car. Yeah, she was at a shelter. Pretty clear she wasn't kidnapped. We tried to talk to her, but they've closed their doors for the night. Nobody can come or go. We'll pick her up tomorrow. Yeah. Good night. Abby: There. Done and done. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE Sanders: Stephen Finch Scottish-born. Became a U.S. citizen in 1995, shortly after graduating first in his class from Yale law. Was the top litigator at Chase & Howard. A real hotshot, but suffered a nervous breakdown in the middle of defending the class action suit against Bromquest. Billy: The chemical manufacturer that poisoned all those kids in West Virginia? Sanders: Exactly. Spent two months recovering in a facility in Florida before quitting the firm. [SCENE_BREAK] LAFAYETTE PARK Billy: Olivia Pope, what did you do? Olivia: What are you talking about, Billy? Billy: Cyrus has called in Sanders Black on you. Olivia: Sanders Black is a short, short man. Billy: So was Napoleon, but he still did a lot of damage. Olivia: Why are you telling me this, Billy? Billy: If you can just tell me what's going on, I might be able to help you. I don't want to feel like I'm betraying my own, but sooner or later, I have to fall in line. Olivia: Olivia Pope for Cyrus Beene. Olivia: You want to play hardball? Forget the money. We booked "20/20" instead. We're sitting down with Diane Sawyer. Olivia: You take care, Billy. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE Cyrus: These people Liv fixed 'em. That makes them loyal. They'll die for her. I need more, something I can work with. Do better. Billy: They did find one thing. Olivia Pope had an affair with someone on the campaign. Yeah, we don't have a name yet. We will. Give me a day or two. Cyrus: That's not useful to us. Billy: Uh, excuse me. It's a potential gold mine, because other than that, Olivia Pope is purer than Mother Teresa. Cyrus: Gentlemen, I have a country to run. I'm not gonna stand around and debate with you. It's not useful to us. Move on. Billy: Move on. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Harrison: Shut it down. Quinn: I'm sorry? Harrison: I saw you on your date last night. Quinn: I don't know what you're talking about. Harrison: You're lying, which isn't the problem. The problem is you suck at it. Every time you do it, you look like you're about to cry. You look like you're about to cry right now. Quinn: I'm not going to. Harrison: Now you can keep seeing this guy, but there's gonna come a time when you're gonna have to lie to him to protect a client, and we don't lie to reporters, because once you do, there's no going back. You've killed the one thing you protect at all costs, your credibility and not just your credibility, my credibility, this firm's credibility. And that's not gonna happen. So save yourself the trouble and shut it down. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Fitz: Cyrus! I know J.P. and Sally are probably crying in the hall, but I'm writing my own speech now. It's good. It's great. I'll show it to you when I'm done. Cyrus: Amanda Tanner is pregnant. Fitz: What? Cyrus: The good news is Amanda doesn't want your money. She wants publicity. Also good you don't have to worry about that s*x tape, because who needs a s*x tape when you've got a fetus full of presidential D.N.A.? It's a win-win. Fitz: That's not my baby. Cyrus: You just keep practicing that line. You're gonna be saying it a lot. Fitz: Okay, what do we do? Next step? How do we? How do we fix this? Cyrus: I don't know. Fitz: Cyrus, I know you're upset, but we have to game plan this. Cyrus: What's next? What's next? Okay, here's what happens next you resign from office now. Or Amanda goes on TV, tells her sad, sordid tale, there are hearings, you're impeached, and you're forced to resign from office. Your Vice President a moronic, right-wing nut job who thinks the Tea Party was founded to lower the yacht tax and who also seems to not quite understand that evolution isn't an idea but an actual fact, but who cares? We won the scary states in the election. They'll have a party now that their grand wizard is President. I'm pretty sure I'll never see a legal marriage and women will lose their right to choose, but hey, whatever. We're all Republicans, even if the new President will give Republicans a bad name. You'll leave in disgrace, go home to California, keep a low profile for a while, and then some fancy publishing house will pay you a fortune for a book, which you'll write, only it won't talk about what everyone really wants to know about it won't talk about your sordid affair with a White House aide. It'll talk about policy and your thoughts on the economy, and it won't sell because no one cares about your thoughts on policy and the economy anymore because you're not the president anymore. What you are now is a joke on "Letterman." Mellie, a lovely woman, ambitious and strong, and, well, quite wealthy in her own right she's not gonna be circa 1998 Hillary on this. No, sirree. This is the 21st century. She's gonna leave you and she's gonna take your children with her, and everyone will applaud her, from the religious right to the women's groups, because you're a philandering pig who had a child out of wedlock, and we all know it's true because we heard the tape. You'll be alone in your house in Santa Barbara, listening to old records and telling the same story over and over again to the poor sap not smart enough to get out of being assigned to your secret service detail. Then one day, about, oh, three or four years from now, you'll step into your bathroom, take out that revolver your father gave you when you were elected governor, you'll put it in your mouth and you'll blow the back of your skull off. Oprah's retired now, so I guess I have to do a post-funeral interview with Barbara Walters. She's nice. But, you know you just go back to writing your own speech. That's important. That matters. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Stephen: We'll be filing a petition to determine the paternity of your child in D.C. superior court, after which there will be a hearing and a D.N.A. test. The petition is public, which is going to set things in motion. Olivia: That same day you'll be taping an interview with Diane Sawyer for "20/20." Amanda: Diane Sawyer? Olivia: Don't worry. We'll be doing mock interviews to prepare you for the kinds of questions you will be asked. We don't want any surprises. Stephen: And if you're properly prepared, you've got nothing to be afraid of. Olivia: You need to call your parents and all your friends. Warn them about what's going to happen. Your parents will want to check into a hotel when the interview airs because their street will be chock-full of reporters, and they won't be well-behaved. I know this seems scary, I know it's overwhelming, but we are talking about the President of the United States. You want to burn down his house, you're gonna have to burn down your own as well. Huck: Livvie. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES David: Clearly, you were busy before. It was obviously not the right time to ask for a favor, but I do have a favor to ask, and keep in mind, you owe me big-time sort of how I owe six cops from E.R.T. double overtime for showing up at a church, ready to blow holes in 30 nuns. And one way in which I'd like to cash in on what's becoming a truly massive favor deficit between us is for you to help out an old friend of mine. Olivia: David? David: Yes? Olivia: I did not answer you when you asked me about this earlier. That was rude. This time, I will be more clear I have far, far more important things to worry about right now than the fate of the crappy newsstand you buy your morning coffee at, and I do not have time for this or for you. Bill me for the police overtime. [SCENE_BREAK] HOTEL Abby: Hi. Excuse me. I checked someone in yesterday my sister and her two young children, room 402? Worker: Okay, uh, let's see. Room 402 is vacant. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Harrison: You in trouble. Olivia: We will. We will. Oh, Abby, good. I was just telling the general that it was you and Stephen that found Señora Florez. Benicio: I cannot thank you enough. There were moments when I thought I would never see them again. Thank you. Abby: You're welcome. Olivia: We think the kidnappers may have been allied with the general's political enemies possibly the exile community. Anyway, thank goodness whoever it was lost their nerve, dropped Carolina and the children off at that shelter, and now here they are, safe and sound. Abby: Safe and sound. Olivia: You had no right to do what you did. Abby: No right? No right?! Olivia: That woman was not our client. Abby: She had one shot, and you took it away. Olivia: She chose to marry that man. She chose to have children with him! Abby: Oh, and that makes it your call to decide whether or not- Olivia: And now, 20 years later, she wakes up and realizes she's sleeping next to a monster and she wants out? Abby: Are you kidding me? That's what you did for me. Olivia: She fell in love with the wrong man. Abby: No, you made the wrong call. When I wanted to leave Charles- Olivia: She put herself in an impossible position. Abby: When I wanted to leave Charles... Olivia: I did what I had to do for my client. I made a tough call. You don't like it, Abby? Too bad! It is my name on that door, not yours! Abby: When I wanted to leave Charles! Don't talk to me about tough calls and names on the door. That woman needs us. And I don't know what's going on with you or what's happened to you, but I know that you have your stuff that you don't talk about. I know that. But something's going on with you, and I'm sorry about that. I am, but that doesn't mean that you get to stop being Olivia Pope. When Charles fractured three of my ribs and broke my jaw and threw me out into the snow in my nightgown, Olivia Pope took a tire iron and broke his kneecap and then Olivia got me the best divorce attorney in the state and got me out of that marriage. That's what Olivia does. That's who you are. You are the gladiator. I would gladly follow you over a cliff. But you gotta show up. You gotta be a warrior. You don't get to pick and choose when the real Olivia Pope walks through that door. You made the wrong call. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Quinn: Saltines, ginger ale, every trashy magazine on the rack Let me know if you need anything else. I gotta get back to the office. Amanda: Dirt floors and mud walls. Quinn: I'm sorry? Amanda: My senior year of college, I saw this picture in a magazine. This little school in India or Nepal, maybe dirt floors and mud walls and sad little wood benches instead of desks. It was the saddest thing I'd ever seen, but what was even sadder there were no girls in the picture, just boys, because girls weren't allowed to go to school. That's why I came to Washington, not to get knocked up. Just so you don't think I'm some dumb bimbo slut who. There are places in the world where girls don't get educated, simply because they are girls. Quinn: You can still do it. Whatever you came here to do. This doesn't have to be your story. [SCENE_BREAK] O.A.S. CONFERENCE - BACKSTAGE Benicio: We have withstood lies spread by powerful media outlets and the permanent threat of this capitalist empire. We have withstood the very naked disrespect for the sovereignty of our nation. Olivia: If you still want asylum, we can get it for you. I have a car downstairs waiting, ready to take you and your family to homeland security, but if you want to go, we have to leave right now, this minute. Do you still want asylum? Carolina: My husband's security men are down the hall. They won't let me leave the building. Huck: We've got it covered. [SCENE_BREAK] HALLWAY Harrison: If she wants to go, you can't stop her. Now we can talk I.N.A. Code 101 section A-42. You guys familiar with that? Okay, let me break it down for you asylum given for foreign-born spouses subject to persecution. Or wellfounded fear of persecution on account of race, religion, nationality, membership in a particular social group, or as pertains to our case here political opinion. So you can object, petition, protest, make yourself a nuisance all you want, but in case you haven't noticed, she's on American soil, otherwise known as you have no jurisdiction here. [SCENE_BREAK] O.A.S. CONFERENCE - BACKSTAGE Abby: Liv, we need to move now. Olivia: Okay, Huck, baby. Carolina: Thank you. Manuel, wake up. Manuel, we have to go. Come on. Olivia: Huck! Huck: I dropped the pacifier. Carolina: Take your toy. Thank you. Come on. Felipe. Cariño. Olivia: General Florez. What a wonderful speech. I was just coming by to congratulate you. Carolina: No. Benicio, she was helping me to leave you. There was no kidnapping. There were no men. There was no van. I left on my own. I left you because I wanted to leave you. I left you because I don't love you anymore. Benicio: Fine. Then leave. But you're not taking the children. They're coming home with me. Carolina: Benicio... Benicio: No, Carolina, mira. (In Spanish) You're not going to condemn my children. To live in this country without me doing anything about it. This game is over. Now give me my daughter. Benicio: Come here. Come here. Carolina: No. No. No. No. No! No! [SCENE_BREAK] PRESIDENTIAL LIMO Mellie: The kids and I were thinking we could all go to Santa Barbara for the long weekend. They really want to see their friends, and we haven't been home since the inauguration. What's that, 14, 15 months? Fitz? Fitz: Would it be so bad if all this ended? Mellie: What? Fitz: I wanted to help people. That was the point. I got in this job to help people, not for the job. I could find better ways to affect change. Mellie: What's going on? What happened? Fitz: Would it be so bad? If this ended? Mellie: Yes, it would be so bad if this ended. It would be catastrophic. Now pull yourself together, damn it. You've got a speech to give. We'll go to Santa Barbara later in the year, or maybe for Christmas. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Amanda: It's me. I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I can't lie anymore. I'm out. I'm gonna tell them the truth. [SCENE_BREAK] GENERAL ASSEMBLY Fitz: Today, I say to say to all citizens of the Americas, democracy is your destiny. I call upon my fellow leaders to stand together and to speak with one voice, loud, clear, and strong so General Florez, President Chavez, and President Castro all those who would seek to squash individual rights and freedoms, may hear us. Your time has passed. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - CYRUS' OFFICE Fitz: The way I see it, all roads lead back to Amanda Tanner. She's saying we had an affair. She's saying she's carrying my child. Cyrus: Without her, there's nothing but that tape. Fitz: Without her, that tape is just a guy who sounds vaguely like me. There's no proof. Nobody even takes that tape seriously without it being vouched for, which means our problem is Amanda Tanner, and she's not our problem. She's a kid. Our real problem is Olivia Pope. Cyrus: You realize- Fitz: I got into this job to help people, to change this country for the better. Fitz: I am the President of the United States of America. It's time I acted like it. Thank you Mr. President. [SCENE_BREAK] OUTSIDE O.A.S. CONFERENCE Olivia: General Florez. General Florez, you need to reconsider. Benicio: You know that the Hague Convention guarantees that custody must be decided by the parents' home country, right? Right? Olivia: Yes. Benicio: Yes. Olivia: I know. I know she's your wife, I know she's the mother of your children, and I know she seems weak now, but she is smart, she is powerful, and smart, powerful women like Carolina they don't curl up and hide when they've been wounded. They strike back by writing memoirs and appearing on talk shows and at benefits and on red carpets, talking about women's rights in the developing world and how babies were ripped from her arms by a ruthless dictator who can't run a family, much less a country. And then one day, out of nowhere, she's not just the mother of your children anymore. She's a hero. And people everywhere here, in your country people love a hero, general. People rise up and fight for a hero. And I will make it my personal mission that the rest of the world is behind them when they do, so you need to tread very carefully here, because what you do today may determine your political survival. This woman can either be the mother of your children or the face of your opposition now which would you prefer? [SCENE_BREAK] HOTEL Benicio: We'll go fishing this summer. Just the two of us. [SCENE_BREAK] WASHINGTON D.C. BAR Gideon: Okay, just one question. Quinn: What happened to no lines would be crossed here, no one will be harmed in the making of this date? Gideon: Oh, so this is a date? Quinn: Okay. One question. Gideon: Was Amanda Tanner sleeping with the President? Quinn: Don't you wish. Now that would be a story. [SCENE_BREAK] DAVID ROSEN'S OFFICE David: Hello. Harrison: Dennis and Katherine Mahoney emigrated from County Cork, Ireland, to Washington, D.C., in the summer of 1860, just in time for the Civil War. They started with nothing, built an empire selling news in the front. And in 1973, their great-granddaughter Margaret Mahoney sold her family newsstand chain for $25 million, but she kept one for herself, one to sell to one of her employees Kiyong Kim, who'd also been working at Mahoney News since emigrating to Washington from Busan, South Korea, also with nothing. Kiyong Kim learned English at that newsstand, he became a U.S. citizen at that newsstand, and eventually, he became the owner of that newsstand because Mahoney News is everything that makes this country great. It would be a crime against the nation to knock it down for greed and profit. Your boy Kiyong's got a news crew showing up at 2:30 tomorrow for the 5:00 news and an 800-word human interest story in the "D.C.Weekly," which comes out Thursday. David: Does Olivia Pope ever actually apologize to anyone? Harrison: She just did. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: Cyrus. Cyrus: Don't get up. This won't take long. Let's see, Abby Whelan does her ex-husband know where she is because he's been looking for her? Stephen Finch he's been a bad boy. This fella Huck, his file reads like "Helter Skelter," a real page-Turner, and that's just the parts that haven't been redacted. Olivia: Nice show, Cyrus. Very scary. Cyrus: This is two days' work, and I'm a little worried about all the trees that I'm gonna have to kill to print out the rest of the dirt I will find. Olivia: You want to go nuclear? I have that option, too. You should see the size of the mushroom cloud that's going to go up when the president is hit with the paternity suit for Amanda's baby. It's gonna make our "20/20" interview look like a hug. Just finishing up some paperwork. I'm going to need some blood. Cyrus: I really thought I trained you better. You haven't even filed a paternity suit yet. I expected that days ago. Olivia: You seem awful chipper about all this, Cyrus. Cyrus: I am. I am. I'll tell you why. I'm a workaholic, and my sweet husband doesn't let me work on Sundays, unless there's a war, which is why I hate Sundays and I really hate to garden. So you can see why I'd be excited, because there is, in fact, a war. There's a bloody, scary war starting right now. Olivia: You and I are going to war? That's what you want? Fine. Cyrus: Oh. No. I'm sorry. I wasn't clear. This isn't my war. You know who sent me here? The President of the United States sent me here, to this office, to deliver these piles of dirt. I'm not the general. I'm not the bad guy. I'm just an errand boy who doesn't have to garden anymore. President Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III has declared war on you, Olivia, and he does so with the full force of the White House and the legion of men and women who work in the United States Government. May God have mercy on your soul. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: I know I've been asking a lot of you all, asking you to trust me, and I know that hasn't always been easy or fair and sometimes I am wrong. But we are about to go forward with Amanda Tanner's case. Going up against the White House is the biggest thing we've ever done. It will be hard. It will be mean. It will be personal. But you don't have to do this because I say so, not this time. You have to decide for yourselves. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Fitz (on TV): It is a great honor for us to host this meeting in Washington once again. We're grateful for the reminder that this new world of ours America, North and South is more than an accident of geography. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: So let's vote on it. Stephen: We are not gonna make a dime out of this, but I still vote yes. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Fitz (on TV): We, the free people of the Americas, are bound not only by a shared history (Muffled gasps) But by a common aspiration [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Harrison: I'm in. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Fitz (on TV): Freedom Dignity Progress. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Huck: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Fitz (on TV): But I am sorry to tell you that our work is not finished. For as long as some of our brothers and sisters still live under the tyranny of dictators, we must not resign ourselves to the status quo. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Quinn: Of course. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Fitz (on TV): Democracy is your destiny. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Abby: Over a cliff. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Fitz (on TV): I call on my fellow leaders to stand together and to speak with one voice loud, clear, and strong. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: All right then. We go to war. Fitz (on TV): So General Florez, President Chavez, and President Castro all those who would seek to squash individual rights and freedoms, may hear us. Your time has passed.

Plan: A: A South American dictator; Q: Who comes to Pope & Associates when his family is kidnapped? A: Cyrus; Q: Who begins digging into everyone in Pope & Associate's backgrounds? A: Olivia; Q: Who helps the general's wife leave her husband? A: Amanda; Q: Who's pregnancy test came out positive? A: Amanda's pregnancy test; Q: What comes out to be true? A: Quinn; Q: Who is skeptical of Gideon's claim that he doesn't need her as a source anymore? A: dates; Q: What does Quinn begin going on with Gideon? A: Abby; Q: Who takes it upon herself to help General Flores's wife? A: a fight; Q: What do Olivia and Abby get into? A: the public; Q: Who does Fitz wonder what would happen if everything came out to? A: the children; Q: Who does Olivia convince the general to let her take? A: Olivia's house; Q: Where was Amanda Tanner kidnapped from? A: Gladiators; Q: What do the people who work for Olivia Pope call themselves? A: the trial; Q: What are the gladiators preparing for? Summary: A South American dictator comes to Pope & Associates when he finds out that his family has been kidnapped; Cyrus begins digging into everyone in Pope & Associate's backgrounds. Olivia finds that her world is upside down when Amanda's pregnancy test come out to be true; Quinn begins going on dates with Gideon, but is skeptical that he says that he doesn't need her as a source anymore because he has someone else. Abby and Finch find that General Flores's wife didn't really get kidnapped, that she attempted to leave him, but when Abby takes it into her own hands to help her, Olivia returns them back to the general, causing Abby and Olivia to get into a fight. Gideon begins researching everything about Amanda Tanner and the president, while Fitz begins wondering what would happen if everything came out into the public. Olivia helps the general's wife leave her husband, and eventually convinces him to let her take the children. In the middle of the night, Amanda Tanner is kidnapped from Olivia's house, while she and the rest of the 'Gladiators' prepare for the trial; Cyrus and Olivia come to blows and decide that it is now a full blown 'war'.

Ted (2030): In May 2009, I was about to have my first big client as an independent architect. I was desperate for this to happen. Ted is in an office with two men. Man: That's what you want, son. It's very simple. Opening a restaurant called Rib Town and it is to have the form... a cowboy hat. Ted (2030): Everything. Ted: A hat? This is brilliant. I love it! Nothing better to say "delicious" as inside a cowboy hat. I tell you, I'm your man. I think being born to draw this building. I... I see. Ted is in the apartment, slumped on his desk. Ted: I see it. I see it. (Robin enters) What is it good? Robin: All-Nighter? Ted: I told them I had a vision for this thing. They want a drawing in a week and I have nothing! Robin: It's cute. Ted: Cute? I can draw concert halls and bridges. Bridges so beautiful they could be in museums. And I could draw these museums. But I draw, what instead? Where is my career? A two-story Stetson... with a terrace on the edge. It's a cosmic joke. The universe conspires against me. Robin: Did you just need to get out. Take a walk. Pay yourself a bagel. Ted: Yeah, that'll solve everything. I have not slept for 34 hours, but a bagel is the answer. Cinnamon and raisin bagel with some cream. It looks good. I'll buy one. Robin: Take an umbrella. It's going to rain, according Galoshes, our clown-weather. Ted: Your show has a clown to present the weather? It's a bit nase, right? Robin: And this restaurant that you draw, what form it, Hoss? Ted: Okay. You want to fire me from here, I go out. I look forward to seeing what the universe has prepared me. It takes an umbrella, left the apartment and then walking through the streets. Ted (2030): Children, I tell you the story of meeting your mother. There is so much to learn from this story and it is most important. The greatest moments in life, it is not always what you do. This is also what happens to us. I'm not saying you can not influence the course of your life. You must act and you will. But remember that one day you could put one foot out and see your life changed forever. (He gives money to a homeless man) You know, the universe has a plan, children, and that plan is still moving. A butterfly flaps its wings... and it starts raining. (He opens his umbrella) It's scary. But it is also wonderful. All these workings of the machine running constantly, ensuring that you are exactly where you should be, exactly when you should be. The right place... (Someone taps him on the shoulder) at the right time. GENERIC Ted (2030): Children, it's a miracle I've been at this corner.Especially since it would have been easy I'm not there. Flashback Ted (2030): For example, when leaving the apartment, I almost go right instead of left. Why not right? For that, we must go back. As you know, your Aunt Robin had a show. Robin: Eunice is itself these handbags. They are hand-embroidered silks at best. And each takes months to do. I can not say how long... (Robin threw in a bag) Weather, fools! Clown: Hi, everyone! A high pressure system arrives from the west... Ted and Robin are in the apartment. Robin: On the other hand, I bought a big bag today. Ted: Wait, why did you vomit? Robin: You want to know. Ted: Come on. Tell me. Robin: I'm pregnant. Ted: I will raise this child with you. You're not alone. You can get married if you want, but I want to see other girls, it would be one of those marriages... Robin: Stop! I'm not pregnant. This is an intoxication. I ate something at the restaurant, three hours later, I vomited like a fountain. Ted: Where? Robin: This is a disgusting issue. Ted: Where was your meal? Robin: I want to tell you. Ted: What? Barney, entering: Go to YouTube. Tape "Robin Scherbatsky show vomit". Robin, already gone. Robin: Someone has already put on YouTube? Barney: Yeah... someone. So... why did you vomit? You're pregnant? Robin: Yeah, I'm pregnant. Barney runs off. Ted: Why do you not tell me where you got your intoxication? Robin: You adore this place. If I tell you, it will ruin it. Ted: It makes sense. Do not say anything. Ted is in McClaren's with Robin. Ted: This Indian restaurant where the cat jumps on the tables? Robin: I say nothing. Ted: The Spanish restaurant with the cradle? Robin: I say nothing. The waitress brings a plate to Ted. Ted: Is it here? Tell me! Robin: You really want to know? This is Schlegel's Bagels. Ted: Why do you have told me? Schlegel's? Thank you! I'll have to find another New York place that serves bagels. Ted (2030): The children, though as usual, I had gone to Schlegel's Bagels, I would have gone right. I would have taken a bagel would be returned to work on this building and you would perhaps never been born. But I went left, towards my second favorite place. And the rest is history. Of course, on the way, I stopped in this booth. Why I got arrested? That's why. Barney at the bar and reads a magazine. He returned to the apartment to see Ted. Barney: The Bro's Life magazine. Page 83. Look. Ted: "What does your paintball on your personality? " Barney: Lowest. Ted: "The last 3 kilos: how the push to lose. " Barney: Highest. Ted: Petra Petrova. Barney: The Girl of the Year in May, according to Bro's Life magazine. A delicate flower in stiletto heel leopard thong and riding a 4x4. Ted: These magazines are broken. It is certainly retouched. Barney: I have an appointment with. Ted: You are my hero! Really? How did you do? Barney: It's not in the story. I waited a long time to say that.This girl... is the daughter. Ted: Of course it is. Marry them! It. Barney: Marrying? I have something even more special in mind. Petra, if all goes well, will be my... wait, my 200th! Can not wait. Too exciting. Ted: The 200th with that... get laid? Barney: Who I'll lie. I want the highest "Tope there." Ted: Even if I was wearing protective clothing. 200 is too much! Barney: As if there could be too much of something wonderful."Babe Ruth, gently, my grandfather. Do not hit too many home runs. Steve Guttenberg, you should not do that three Police Academy. America has laughed enough. " Ted: Who are these girls? It was rhetorical. Show me the list. Barney: 199 satisfied customers. Finally, the big night is Thursday. I give a reception before, in McClaren's. Prepares a toast. Tuxedo optional but desired. Gifts are, I would say useless, but follow your heart. Ted: 200 is too much. Barney: It's not too much. Ted: That's too! Barney, Marshall, Ted and Robin are at the bar. Marshall: It's not too much. Barney: Thank you. Marshall: Do not misunderstand. You're disgusting and the cops should put a shoe on your part, but this number should be higher. After Barney told me about that, I reviewed the figures and... I have some graphics. Barney dredge about 20 girls a week. Barney: It's more than 20. B. Does nothing more precise estimate. Marshall: Let 20. So 20 girls a week, that's 1,040 girls a year.In its 16 years of sexual activity, it would mean that he has dredged 16,640 girls. If he has slept with 199, it's a success rate... slightly higher than one per cent. This is an average of 12 hits, eight times worse than average in career... launcher in one hand, the launcher... Jim Abbott. Barney: Jealous. Jealous. Hero. Strangely silent during this conversation on his number of sexual partners. Hero. The grand total, it is the only number that matters. Ted: Who said so? Barney: Matthew Panning, the stud of Port Richmond College. Barney is in college. Matthew: Stinson, you're an amateur. I bet you've never done. Barney: You neither. Matthew: How many times I have to tell you? I did it with 100 girls. Fifth in school from my cousin in Long Island. Barney: You know what, Matthew? One day, I would have done with 200. Matthew: Call me when it happens. Barney: And I'll call. Ted: I think he'll say it again very slowly. Barney: I will... the call. Robin: You have noted Gaby Allan dual, 78 and 162. Barney: What? Let me see. Sixty... Once. Oh, my God. Wait...I counted the same girl twice? That means I'm only at 198? Marshall: It just means you're less than 0.5% was thought disgusting. Barney: I win a Czech supermodel in two hours. I can not waste it in the 199th. Petra must be the 200th. Ted: are you gonna do? You will find not a partner in the next 2 hours. Barney: Astronaut Millionaire. You come home to see shells? Woman 1: Get out. Barney: I come from the grave of my wife. I buried her there was just one year. I miss her. I need comfort. Woman 2: You're scary. Barney: You're not as sick of all these games? I just want to settle down and have an army of toddlers at once. Woman 3: I have a mass and I love to use it. Barney: Marshall? Knowing how important it is for me, you think that Lily... I would do the job... Marshall: I'll kill you. Barney: Okay. Barney leaves the bar. Ted finds himself alone with Robin. Ted: Where did Barney? It's been over an hour. Robin: You know, looking at the names on this list, I do not see a lot of ethnic diversity. It should really be questioned. Barney returns. Barney: It's done. 199 made of, more than one. Have you finished your drink? (He takes the ice in the glass of Ted and puts them under the table) That's better. Ted: It has happened to you what? Barney: There... a girl in the gym. Pauline. She runs after me for a while. Ted: Why wait till then? Barney: It's not really my type. [SCENE_BREAK] At the gym... Barney: Good, Pauline. You're going to have all of Fonte Leveuse Sarasota Classic this fall. I thought... to you and me.And if you're still interested... Pauline: Ok, this is the hour of cardio. Barney: Good grief! Mom! Barney: Every inch tasted like roast beef and creatine. But I did. I did and I still have 30 minutes before meeting with Petra.Robin, you have the foundation? I want to cover bruises and razor burn. Robin: I hate to tell you this, but... Barney: What? Robin: You did the right Gaby Allan counted 2 times, but...you're also spent 138 to 138. Have you used the same number twice. Barney: So that means... Pauline is not the 199th, it is the 200th? Ted: Congratulations! Barney: It must have Petra! Petra was to be the 200th!Beautiful, feminine, "unrestrained power in bed", Petra! Ted: Go! Happened to you at 200. You should be proud. You should be tested, but you should be proud. We do not care if Pauline does not pose in bikinis in magazines. Barney: It does. She will be in the next Muscle Sexxy. And like many women in this magazine, Sexxy has two X and one Y. End flashback Ted (2030): So, bagel on the way, I stopped a minute in a booth to see the photo of the 200th Barney. If I had not done that, I would have missed the cut by the booth and came 77th in this corner a minute earlier. I would have had the bagel, worked a little, and you children, you would not be born. Why I cut through the 77th and gave a dollar to the homeless? That's why. In the early days of Marshall to Goliath National Bank... Flashback Marshall: Fran, I will not bother you, but I have a presentation tomorrow and it would help me if I could have tables and graphs. Can you help me? Fran: This is the graphics department. We can make all the graphs, tables, in all colors on the paper you want. Marshall: We'll have fun. (At the bar...) I ranked the presidents in order of disloyalty. A: Johnson. Two: Bush. Three Harding.Four: Polk. (At the apartment...) This circle represents "Those who break my heart." And this circle represents "Those who constantly undermine my confidence. "And where they meet: Cecilia. (Back at the bar...) This is a pie chart describing my favorite bars. And that is a graph describing my favorite pies.(Ted, Barney and Robin Marshall waiting for a response) What is it? Robin: That's enough tables. Barney: What about the graphics. Ted: Any visual representation of data. Marshall: I'm not stupid. I know what you think of my paintings and graphics. In fact, I made a picture of your reactions to my paintings. See it. Yes, that's true, since Cecilia, your interest in my paintings do not stop falling. But based on recent trends, I also... projection boards! And look... a large peak of interest is coming! And it's not just a blip dead cat. It is a long-term growth. Barney: It's you, sustained growth. Marshall is at work in the meeting room. Marshall: So, I prepared some charts to show how the setting up of a shell company in Bermuda could minimize our losses in the second quarter. And you avoid jail. To begin with...Excuse me a moment? Marshall leaves the room. Ted is in the apartment when her phone rings. Ted: Mosbius Designs. Marshall: What happened to my pictures? Ted: They were thrown. Marshall: What? Ted: That's an intervention. You could not stop eating, so we threw your cam. Marshall: Come on, Ted! I need my pictures! Only for today and I promise to never ever do. I suffered a lot of pressure. I need my paintings, Jack! Ted: You make tables work? Marshall: It's for work, idiot! I make a great show and if I have not these pictures, I'm gonna get fired! Ted: Damn. Not move. I bring them. Marshall: Magne! I will research how to wait. (Marshall back in the room) Sorry, there is a little late with the tables. But we'll begin in a moment. Fish are weird, right? I mean, what's their problem? Ted looking in garbage cans. Voice: Tables! Buy your tables! Ted: I'm sorry, Milt? I think these are my paintings. Milt: These tables? On my coverage? Ted: This is my blanket. We'll see later. But I need these tables. Milt: Good thing they are selling. Ted: Okay, how? Milt: One million. Ted: I give you five dollars. Milt: One million. Ted: No one will pay a million for these pictures! Milt: One million. Ted: OK, Milt, you won. I will give one million. Milt: I'm urine... Ted: The problem is that the distributor... Milt: The alien time machine... Ted: The alien time machine has a withdrawal limit. That's what I'll do. I give you a dollar... per day... for a million days. Milt: It's... It's been 2700 years. It works! (Ted gives him a ticket and take the pictures) Big nase. Marshall: Sorry, there is a star of earth? (Ted comes into the meeting room with tables) start. Ted (2030): If I had not bought these tables for Marshall, I would not be passed by the 77th to give Milt his dollar. In short, you know the rest. And now, children. There are lots of little reasons that great things happen to us. If I knew then that these things take me and how I shall be grateful to them, I probably would have done something like that. (Ted restarts in the sense that he came and took Milt in his arms, and others. Sometimes the bar where Barney reads a magazine and also takes in his arms. Then the room Sprot, in Schlegel's Bagels, to work with Robin) Because at the end, I landed in the right place at the right time. And with that, my life has never been the same. He tapped on the shoulder and when he turns he finds Stella by his side. End flashback Barney is in McClaren's. Ted (2030): The next day, Uncle Barney finally confronted Matthew Panning, the stud of the school of Port Richmond. Matthew Barney, glad news, it's been a while. What's new? Barney: I slept with 200 women. Matthew: My God! This is too much. Finally... It's disgusting.Have you thought of consulting as a s*x addict? You're the perfect candidate. Barney: You've thought of consulting as "I win, you lose"?Suddenly, your 100 girls in fifth, it is so impressive. Matthew: 100 girls? This is what it is? I lied! Barney: Of course. Matthew: I was 12, I was lying of course. I had no Ewok companion. Barney: Of course. Matthew: Your adult life is built on... something... on which I lied to 12? Barney: Jealous? Matthew: I get my kids to school. Looks like you got a lot of problems. Good luck, I guess. Matthew Barney left hand alone. Barney: I'm awesome. 200. Now what? Robin is also the bar.

Plan: A: Ted; Q: Who runs into an old flame? A: his future kids; Q: Who does Ted talk to about being in the right place at the right time? A: Barney; Q: Who celebrates his 200th female conquest? Summary: After Ted runs into an old flame, he talks to his future kids about how being in the right place at the right time can impact a person's life. Meanwhile, Barney celebrates his 200th female conquest.

THE EVIL OF THE DALEKS First broadcast: 17th June 1967 Repeat broadcast: 20th July 1968 Running Time: 25:17 [SCENE_BREAK] 1. EXTERIOR, CELL (JAMIE knocks four times on the door.) JAMIE: Miss Waterfield? Can you open the door? We've come to get you. (But they hear another noise. Turning away from the door, they see a Dalek gliding into the hall below them. Suddenly the door opens to reveal another Dalek! It glides out toward them, gun stick armed and ready to fire... Luckily they manage to grab the rope from the broken wooden rail and loop it around the "Door" Dalek and shove it towards and through what was left of the rail and down onto the Hall. It explodes on impact with the floor and the Dalek's warning klaxon begins to reverberate around the hall.) JAMIE: (Shoving KEMEL into the room.) Quick, before we see any more of those mechanical beasties. [SCENE_BREAK] 2. INTERIOR, CELL (VICTORIA is surprised and delighted to see the two new arrivals.) VICTORIA: Kemel, my dear friend! JAMIE: Aye, he's a good friend, right enough, Miss Waterfield. VICTORIA: And you? JAMIE: Er... Introductions in a moment, if you please. First, I'd like to make us a little bit more secure. Kemel, if we lash this bedstead across the door, it might just hold. (They quickly pile pieces of furniture and boxes up against the door. VICTORIA watches in wonderment as they rapidly secure the door.) JAMIE: Rope! That's it. We could do with a chest against it, I'm thinking. Another one on top, eh? Well now, they can't get in and we can't get out. So, where does that put us? Oh. Jamie McCrimmon. I, uh... I came to give you this. (JAMIE gives the girl her monogrammed handkerchief he found earlier. VICTORIA takes the cloth and smiles gently at the young man.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. INTERIOR, TROPHY ROOM (The DOCTOR is taking a little break and is drinking a small glass of wine. TERRALL comes into the room.) DOCTOR: Are you sure you won't join me? TERRALL: No, I won't. I very rarely touch it. DOCTOR: Oh, dear. W...Well, something else, perhaps? TERRALL: No. Thank you. DOCTOR: I know - let me ring for some food. Now, do join me? TERRALL: No! You seem determined to involve me. DOCTOR: Yes. I do, don't I? TERRALL: This is a large house. I prefer my own company. DOCTOR: Oh, how very unsociable. TERRALL: Yes, possibly. No doubt you will enjoy your libation in one of the other rooms. DOCTOR: Liba...? Ah, Oh, no. Thank you. I'm... I'm perfectly happy here. Thank you. I'm perfectly happy. (TERRALL leaves the room. The DOCTOR follows him out of the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. EXTERIOR, TROPHY ROOM (The DOCTOR follows an angry TERRALL as he examines Maxtible's collection of art and militaria.) DOCTOR: What an extraordinary collection, isn't it? Hmm ? Oh, I... I... I... I... I'm so sorry. I, uh... you... you didn't... You weren't in the mood for talking, were you? TERRALL: Shouldn't you be helping Waterfield and Maxtible with their experiment? DOCTOR: He... he... yes, uh... But I thought I'd have a little rest. Uh... I wanted to talk to you. TERRALL: About what, pray? DOCTOR: About you, Mr. Terrall. You interest me. Uh... Do you know something? Ever since I came to this house, I... (Speaking to himself.) This is Circassian, surely... (Trails off.) TERRALL: Do I know what? DOCTOR: (Still talking to himself.) Circassian? (He turns to TERRALL.) DOCTOR: Ever since I came to this house, I have never seen you eat or drink anything. Now, that's curious, isn't it, hmm? TERRALL: I dine alone. DOCTOR: Yes, I'd thought of that, but, uh... Waterfield has never seen you eat or drink either. (TERRALL takes a scimitar from one of the racks on the wall, and begins swishing it through the air.) TERRALL: (Laughs.) You, uh... seem to be a devotee of Edgar Allen Poe. DOCTOR: Oh, do I? TERRALL: However it... (Whipping it about, TERRALL's scimitar passes only a few inches from the DOCTOR's nose.) TERRALL: Ah, isn't wise to make assumptions, nor to meddle in affairs which are none of your business. DOCTOR: (Laughs.) Touché. (TERRALL lays his hand on the sideboard, as if to put the scimitar down. The Doctor picks up one of the fencing trophies lining the wall and places it near the end of the blade. The tip rises to meet the trophy.) DOCTOR: Oh, look. A perfectly ordinary sword, and yet it appears to be magnetic. And see? (TERRALL lets go of the sword, and it falls to the table.) DOCTOR: Directly you let go, it loses its magnetism. Now, if uh... if I didn't know better, Mr. Terrall, I'd say that you were full of some sort of electricity. (MAXTIBLE walks in, unaware of the tension in the room.) MAXTIBLE: Doctor? Uh... excuse me. You're wanted. DOCTOR: Oh, hmm. Thank you. Excuse me. TERRALL: Doctor! No doubt you are a keen student of human nature, but some things are better left alone. DOCTOR: No, Mr. Terrall. I am not a student of human nature. I am a professor of a far wider academy, of which human nature is merely a part. All forms of life interest me. MAXTIBLE: I'm sorry to interrupt you Doctor, but it's something rather urgent. (MAXTIBLE and the DOCTOR leave. TERRALL seems to consider the DOCTOR's assertions, and goes to pour some wine for himself. He finally is able to put it to his lips, at which time some spills out onto them. He drops the glass as if burned by acid, grabbing a napkin from the table to wipe the wine from his face. The mechanical voices are heard again.) VOICE: Obey, obey, obey! [SCENE_BREAK] 4. INTERIOR, LUMBER ROOM (JAMIE has just told VICTORIA what had happened to him and the DOCTOR.) JAMIE: ...and so the Doctor and I were brought to the house. VICTORIA: Why did you risk your life to try and rescue me? JAMIE: Would you like some more water? VICTORIA: You are too modest. It was a silly question. JAMIE: Then tell me, how did they come to capture you in the first place? VICTORIA: I don't remember. And yet, I seem to remember in the back of my mind, somebody - oh, I can't recall who it was - telling me to walk. And I obeyed, blindly and without interest. JAMIE: Aye. Uh... you were drugged, maybe? VICTORIA: I simply don't know. The only thing I remember is waking up in a bare room with one of those terrible, terrible things. JAMIE: Well, what do you remember before that, apart from this hazy recollection? VICTORIA: I was reading in the sitting room, but I couldn't concentrate, because I was so worried about Papa. I think I fell asleep over my book. JAMIE: You see, how you came under the power of the Daleks is very important. They can't have done as much as they have without some help. VICTORIA: Help? From somebody in the house? JAMIE: Yes, from someone who wants their plans to succeed - someone who drugged you or... or found a way of putting you under the power of the Daleks. VICTORIA: But how? How could it be done without my knowing? [SCENE_BREAK] 5. MAXTIBLE'S SITTING ROOM (Sitting in a chair, MOLLIE intently watches a jewel of some sort, which MAXTIBLE slowly swings in front of her eyes.) MAXTIBLE: You are paying attention Mollie? MOLLIE: Yes sir. MAXTIBLE: Then keep your eyes fixed on the jewel. See how the light catches it? Every facet sparkles, does it not? MOLLIE: Yes sir. MAXTIBLE: Flashing. Flashing, like a collection of sparks. But I know you are tired, Mollie. You are tired, are you not? Tell me. MOLLIE: I am tired. (Her eyes are closing and she is struggling to stay awake.) MAXTIBLE: Then close your eyes and sleep. You need have no fear, my child. A deep, heavy sleep. Oh, you are so exhausted. And now, in your sleep, you will hear only my voice. MOLLIE: Only your voice. (She is now totally under hypnosis.) MAXTIBLE: You have been dreaming, Mollie - dreaming that there are mysteries in this house - that all is not well. You have dreamt that you heard the voice of Miss Waterfield. But it was all your imagination. It was nothing but a dream. Do you understand? MOLLIE: Nothing but a dream. MAXTIBLE: That is correct. Now, when I tell you to open your eyes, you will go back to your room and lie down on your bed. And when you awaken, the dream will fade and you will forget all your suspicions, for they might be injurious to your health. Now, open your eyes. (MOLLIE opens her eyes, gets up, and leaves.) TERRALL: An excellent subject. I'd no idea that mesmerism was one of your accomplishments. MAXTIBLE: How else do you suppose that I persuaded Victoria to go to the Daleks? TERRALL: I see. What of the experiment? MAXTIBLE: It progresses. TERRALL: Are you sure of the Doctor? MAXTIBLE: No, but he is watched. TERRALL: Mmm. And Waterfield? MAXTIBLE: Waterfield's usefulness is nearing it's end. Your intervention in the stables was untimely. (TERRALL suddenly grips the wall.) TERRALL: Maxtible, help me! MAXTIBLE: What do you mean? TERRALL: I... I seem to be in the grip of something. Sometimes my thoughts are clear; sometimes muddled. I... I don't know what's happened. Help me! MAXTIBLE: I can only help you if you obey me. TERRALL: But I obey our masters. MAXTIBLE: I prefer to call them our colleagues. It is their wish that you should obey me. TERRALL: You? But you would have killed Waterfield if they hadn't made me stop you. MAXTIBLE: A slight misunderstanding on the part of our friends. But now it is your turn to obey. I have a task for you to perform. This entrance leads to the south wing of my house and to a certain room. You will fetch Victoria Waterfield and bring her to me. TERRALL: But, Maxtible... MAXTIBLE: Do as you are told. VOICE: Obey, obey, obey! MAXTIBLE: Well? TERRALL: I will bring Victoria to you. [SCENE_BREAK] 6. INTERIOR, LABORATORY (WATERFIELD is with the DOCTOR.) WATERFIELD: Is it finished? DOCTOR: Very nearly. Jamie was magnificent. But then, I knew he would be. He produced a whole battery of emotions; each one of which is imprinted in here. See? WATERFIELD: The "Human Factor"? DOCTOR: Well, a part of it at least. The... the better part - courage, pity, chivalry, friendship, even compassion. Some of the virtues. WATERFIELD: In there? DOCTOR: Yes, it's a positronic brain. We're going to implant one of these into each of these three Daleks here. The dormant ones. WATERFIELD: So the end is in sight? DOCTOR: Perhaps. WATERFIELD: What happens when the capsule comes into contact with the brain of the Dalek and starts to influence it? DOCTOR: Perhaps it will drive them insane. WATERFIELD: Or turn them into super-beings? DOCTOR: Hmm. Well, that is their purpose. At least, I imagine it is. I can't help feeling that there's more in this than meets the eye. (A DALEK appears from the mirrored cabinet.) DALEK: You have completed the experiment? DOCTOR: Yes, the three capsules are nearly ready. DALEK: Stand in front of the cabinet and speak when you have finished. DOCTOR: Yes, yes. I understand. DALEK: Doctor, be careful. (The DALEK leaves again.) WATERFIELD: Doctor? DOCTOR: Hmm? WATERFIELD: You can't... you mustn't do it. DOCTOR: What do you mean? WATERFIELD: You must stop the experiment. DOCTOR: Oh, you should have thought of that some time ago. WATERFIELD: (Over the DOCTOR.) I know. DOCTOR: It's no use having a conscience now. WATERFIELD: But... before it's too late... DOCTOR: It was too late when they took away your daughter. It was too late when you stole my TARDIS and lured me to this house and this century. WATERFIELD: Yes, but what are we doing? What are we really doing? Turning these creatures into super-beings. DOCTOR: (Under his breath.) Almost superior, anyway. WATERFIELD: Adding what is best and finest in human nature to all that is brilliant and superior in them. They'll be unbeatable. DOCTOR: That is their purpose. WATERFIELD: But you're making over the whole world to them. Don't you realise that? Our world, our future. They will enslave us for all time. DOCTOR: That, Mr. Waterfield, remains to be seen. (WATERFIELD picks up a twisted metal bar from the worktop and weighs it in his hand.) DOCTOR: Attacking me will do no good. Now, listen. You've done all of this because of your daughter. Jamie is with her now and they're both still in the power of the Daleks. They must be set free! WATERFIELD: And sacrifice a whole world - a history - past, present and future? Destroy an entire race? DOCTOR: Yes. I... I don't think you quite realise what you're saying. But yes, it may come to that. It may very well come to that. [SCENE_BREAK] 7. INTERIOR, LUMBER ROOM (For VICTORIA's benefit, JAMIE and KEMEL re-enact the destruction of the DALEK.) JAMIE: So, with the Dalek's eye stick pointing forward, Kemel and I were able to tiptoe up behind him, throw the rope over his head and throw him into the fire. (There was a lot of banging from the door as the DALEKS are trying to break through.) VICTORIA: What are they doing? JAMIE: They must be trying to get through. You'd better stand back, Miss Waterfield. VICTORIA: Why not break the door down? They're strong enough. JAMIE: I don't know. Maybe they want us alive. I... I just don't know. (He puts his hand on the furniture stacked in front of the door.) JAMIE: Is it hot? Aye, well, there's no smoke. Could be one of their newfangled inventions trying to melt their way through. Look, you'd better stand right back. Why didn't they try before this, is what I don't understand. Anyway, we'll make it as hard for them as we possibly can. Come on, Kemel. Excuse me. Take this. That's it. That one too. What's puzzling me is: there were two on the way up here, and there was a Dalek up here, and you were up... (TERRALL appears from behind a hidden panel, grabs VICTORIA and ducks back inside, closing the panel behind him.) JAMIE: Hey, Miss Waterfield! (VICTORIA is still struggling with TERRALL, biting his hand so that she is able to cry out.) VICTORIA: Jamie! (TERRALL puts a hand over her mouth as he drags her into the hidden passage.) VICTORIA: Mmph! JAMIE: Hey, did you hear it? Of course! Why didn't I use my head? There's another way in and out of here. Come on! (They follow TERRALL and VICTORIA into the hidden passage - just as the DALEKS crash into the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8. SECRET PASSAGE (VICTORIA struggles to get away from TERRALL. As TERRALL tries to open a door, VICTORIA seizes the opportunity to break free and runs off into the darkness. JAMIE and KEMEL reach a fork in the passage.) JAMIE: Oh, no. Two ways to go. Uh... Kemel, you go that way. If it's a dead end, follow me. [SCENE_BREAK] 9. INTERIOR, TROPHY ROOM (JAMIE catches up with TERRALL. TERRALL grabs a sword and waits by the exit as JAMIE rushes in. JAMIE quickly snatches up a chair and prepares to defend himself. TERRALL lunges at him, but JAMIE's quick reflexes block the blow. JAMIE bravely strikes back. The opponents battle fiercely until JAMIE manages to knock TERRALL to the floor.) JAMIE: Right. (But as he approaches TERRALL, the man leaps up, lashing out with his sword. Their swords clash loudly as the battle recommences.) JAMIE: Where's Victoria Waterfield?! TERRALL: (Laughs.) You'll never find her. JAMIE: Tell me! (JAMIE and TERRALL fight with swords.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10. HALL (As they stray into the hall, RUTH and MOLLIE stand there, watching amazed.) RUTH: Mollie, go and fetch the Doctor, quick! MOLLIE: Yes, mistress. RUTH: Hurry! Arthur, stop it. I implore you! Stop it! TERRALL: Leave me! RUTH: Please, I implore you. Stop it! (TERRALL is suddenly released from the Dalek influence. He drops his sword and falls to the ground as the Doctor arrives.) DOCTOR: Jamie, what have you done? JAMIE: But, I can't understand it. He just... just collapsed. RUTH: Arthur, are you all right? What's happened to him? DOCTOR: (To RUTH.) Do you want to save a man's life? RUTH: What do you...? DOCTOR: Do you? RUTH: Yes! DOCTOR: Then take him away from here, as far away as possible. Go and get the carriage round to the stables. You go too Mollie. We'll bring him after you. Now do go along. RUTH: But, Doctor.. Oh, Mollie. TERRALL: (Fighting the Dalek influence.) Ah, ah, ah, ah! DOCTOR: Yes, I thought he was under some sort of control. Come along. TERRALL: The creatures! DOCTOR: (To TERRALL.) Yes, don't worry about them. TERRALL: There's danger, I tell you. Some kind of danger. DOCTOR: Yes, I know there's danger. You must leave here immediately. TERRALL: The house... the creatures abroad. DOCTOR: Now you leave them to us. Take Ruth Maxtible with you. She's waiting for you at the stables. TERRALL: Yes, very well. JAMIE: Can you manage? TERRALL: Yes, I think so. Wait. There's something in the back of my mind. Victoria Waterfield - I feel I've harmed her in some way. DOCTOR: Victoria is safe and well. TERRALL: You... You're positive? DOCTOR: Yes, I'm positive. Now we'll take care of her. You must leave immediately. TERRALL: Yes, if that's what you want. I'll find Ruth by the stables? DOCTOR: Yes! (TERRALL leaves.) JAMIE: Well, that's fine for Ruth Maxtible, but you lied about Victoria. DOCTOR: Yes Jamie, and we must turn that lie into a truth. [SCENE_BREAK] 9. INTERIOR, LABORATORY (Meanwhile, KEMEL has returned to MAXTIBLE's laboratory. He finds VICTORIA lying unconscious on the floor. As he stoops down to her, a DALEK emerges from the time cabinet.) DALEK: (Menacingly.) Turn around. Pick up the human female. Obey. Obey! Hurry! Hurry! Move into the cabinet. Obey! Move! (The Turk, with no choice, carries VICTORIA's body into the time cabinet, and then follows the DALEKS.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10. INTERIOR, LABORATORY (A little while later, JAMIE and the DOCTOR enter the room.) DOCTOR: Well Jamie, the experiment's nearly over. I've had no sleep. I've been up all night, but it's been worth it. JAMIE: Ah, don't touch me! DOCTOR: Now what's the matter? JAMIE: Anyone would think this was a little game. DOCTOR: No. It is not a game. JAMIE: Of course it isn't, Doctor. People have died. The Daleks are all over the place, fit to murder the lot of us, and all you can say is you've had a good night's work. DOCTOR: Jamie. JAMIE: No, Doctor. Look, I'm telling you this: you and me - we're finished. You're just too callous for me. Anything goes by the board - anything at all. DOCTOR: That's just not true, Jamie. I've never held that the end justifies the means. JAMIE: Ach, words. What do I care about words? You don't give that much for a living soul except yourself. DOCTOR: I care about life. I care about human beings. Do you think I let you go through that Dalek test lightly? JAMIE: I don't know. Did you? Look, Doctor, just whose side are you on? (Two of the experimental DALEKS slowly come out of their cases and comes towards them.) DOCTOR: It's all right, Jamie. Uh... They're friends. JAMIE: Friends? DOCTOR: Now don't get the wrong idea. They are the experiment. (The remaining packing case falls open. As MAXTIBLE dashes in, the last DALEK glides out.) MAXTIBLE: Every feeling, every thought impulse you had during your attempt to rescue Victoria Waterfield was recorded and made into a small positronic brain and added to these Daleks. The "Human Factor" to add to their own powers - to triumph over human beings. JAMIE: Well, how do you know they haven't succeeded? DOCTOR: Because human beings, Jamie, no matter how brilliant they may be, are always within reach of other human beings. Now then, it's all right, Jamie. Don't worry. JAMIE: H... How do you know you can trust them, Doctor? (The DALEKS move to the DOCTOR, appearing to want to play. One of the DALEKS lifts the DOCTOR up with its arm.) DOCTOR: What is it? What do you want? Hmm? What are you up to? Ah! What are you doing? JAMIE: Doctor, where are they taking you? (The DALEK starts to glide around the laboratory with the DOCTOR on its sucker arm.) DOCTOR: Where are you taking me? Jamie! They're taking me for a ride! Jamie, they're playing a game. It's a game! They're taking me for a ride! (He laughs out loud as he continues to ride on the DALEKS.) MAXTIBLE: A rather amusing little game, don't you think Jamie?

Plan: A: the experiment; Q: What is at an end? A: the Doctor; Q: Who suspects the key to rescuing Jamie, Victoria and Kemel from the Daleks lies with Terrall? A: Terrall; Q: Who does the Doctor suspect holds the key to rescuing Jamie, Victoria and Kemel? Summary: With the experiment at an end, the Doctor begins to suspect the key to rescuing Jamie, Victoria and Kemel from the Daleks lies with Terrall.

THE THREE DOCTORS By Bob Baker and Dave Martin 6th January, 1973 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TARDIS SECOND DOCTOR: Steady now, Sergeant, he knows what he's doing! At least I hope he does. BENTON: Yes, but what about Jo? SECOND DOCTOR: Yes, it's a pity she ran after him like that. Let's have a look, shall we? BENTON: Will they be all right? Where are they? Doctor? SECOND DOCTOR: As far as I can see, that stuff's gone to a great deal of trouble to find me, er, him, so whoever or whatever it was that sent it can't merely want to kill him. No, no, they've been transported somewhere. BENTON: Transported? What do you mean, transported? Transported to where? SECOND DOCTOR: No, wait a minute. Do you know, Sergeant, I think our friend has gone off the boil, so to speak. BENTON: Right then. Now I'm going to take this chance to blow it to bits. I'll get a grenade. We'll soon see SECOND DOCTOR: No, I think we could try a more subtle approach. Let's turn off the force field and open the doors first, shall we? BENTON: Right. SECOND DOCTOR: Wait a minute. Let me go first. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. UNIT LABORATORY (They emerge carefully into the laboratory.) SECOND DOCTOR: Hmm. Awaiting further instructions, I would think. (It bristles at them and they retreat back to the TARDIS, then emerge slowly again.) BENTON: You're not going near that thing, Doctor, are you? SECOND DOCTOR: It's all right. I think it was just hiccups. Fascinating. (He moves closer.) (The Brigadier runs in as the blob bristles again.) BRIGADIER: For heaven's sake be careful, Doctor! [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. UNIT LABORATORY SECOND DOCTOR: No, no, Brigadier. Leave it alone. It's not dangerous for the moment. It seems to think it's achieved its mission. (The Brigadier does a double-take.) BRIGADIER: Oh, no. SECOND DOCTOR: Oh, yes. BRIGADIER: Yes, but you're not the BENTON: Yes, it is, sir. It's the first one. SECOND DOCTOR: How are you, Brigadier? BRIGADIER: Pretty well, thanks. Doctor, what the blazes are you doing? Why have you changed your appearance? And what's happened to Miss Grant? (The black hole's beam deposits the others in a quarry. Then we go right back to the lab.) SECOND DOCTOR: There you are. It's all quite simple really. BRIGADIER: Yes, well, I'm sorry. Well, I don't believe a word of it. Look, just tell me this. Are you or are you not the Doctor that I met during the Yeti business, and then later when the Cybermen invaded? SECOND DOCTOR: Of course I am. You can see that. BRIGADIER: Right. But then you subsequently appeared on Earth during that trouble with the Autons, only then you'd changed into a tall, thin fellow. SECOND DOCTOR: Had I really? How fascinating. BRIGADIER: Doctor, I warn you. SECOND DOCTOR: It's no use your asking me about all this, Brigadier. As far as I'm concerned, it hasn't happened yet. Don't you see? I'm just a temporal anomaly. BRIGADIER: It's quite obvious to me what's happened. You've been mucking around with that infernal machine of yours. BENTON: Be careful, sir. BRIGADIER: You've been mucking around with that infernal machine of yours, and somehow or other you've changed back your appearance and shot poor Miss Grant off to heaven knows where. BENTON: It's not quite as simple as that, sir, honestly. BRIGADIER: Now that'll do, Benton. Just two things I want from you, Doctor. An effective way of controlling that stuff and the safe return of Miss Grant. BENTON: What about our Doctor, sir? Don't you want him back? BRIGADIER: Enough of that nonsense, Benton. I've got him back. As long as he does the job, he can wear what face he likes. SECOND DOCTOR: Well, I'll do my best, but I can't make any promises. BRIGADIER: In that case, you'd better consult those all-powerful superiors of yours for their advice. SECOND DOCTOR: Oh, I don't think that'd do any good. At the moment they're far from being all-powerful. That's why it's been left up to me and me and me. [SCENE_BREAK] BACK ON GALLIFREY CHANCELLOR: What's happening? TIME LORD: It's draining our power as fast as we pump it in, sir. CHANCELLOR: Yet you continue to waste the power we so urgently need. What is more, by permitting the Doctor to meet his other selves, you have transgressed the first and most important law of time. TIME LORD: I know that, your Excellency, but this is an emergency. CHANCELLOR: No emergency can justify this transgression. This operation must stop immediately. PRESIDENT: On the contrary, it must continue. The Doctor is our only hope. There is no one else. CHANCELLOR: I could wish for more hope than that. PRESIDENT: Your Excellency, you have said yourself we are dealing with a threat from an area over which even we have no control. A black hole in space. The universe of antimatter. Unknown forces at least equal and opposite to our own. CHANCELLOR: But the first law of time must be obeyed! PRESIDENT: It will be obeyed, later. For the moment the Doctor needs all the help he can get. We can't stop now. Transporting his other selves across the time stream has already utilised more energy than we can afford. CHANCELLOR: Criminal irresponsibility. PRESIDENT: They have only a limited time together, and if they do not succeed we shall lose our time travel facility and become as vulnerable as those we are pledged to protect. CHANCELLOR: You would do better to husband your resources, not throw them away on what is no more than a dangerous gamble. PRESIDENT: I am prepared to take that risk. CHANCELLOR: I understand your attempt to transport yet one more Doctor has met with only limited success. PRESIDENT: His transportation unit became trapped in a time eddy. At the moment he can do no more than advise, but the second Doctor is assisting UNIT to help with matters on Earth. CHANCELLOR: I see. And the other? PRESIDENT: He, together with his companion, has passed into the black hole. They are over the absolute event horizon. CHANCELLOR: Theoretically, they're dead. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PLANET SURFACE THIRD DOCTOR: Jo? Jo? Can you hear me? Jo, wake up. JO: Where are we? Everything seems so strange. THIRD DOCTOR: Are you all right? JO: We're not? THIRD DOCTOR: Jo. JO: We are, aren't we. We're dead. THIRD DOCTOR: This is a place. It's just like any other place. Well, almost. We've been brought here. Anyway, it's not much like heaven, is it. Come on, let's go and take a look around. (They walk away, and we look up to see a gell guard lingering on the cliff above.) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. UNIT LABORATORT SECOND DOCTOR: So wherever they are, Miss Grant and my other self, we can't contact them. That's the problem with antimatter. You can see the effect but never the cause. It's like being punched on the nose by the invisible man. BRIGADIER: Then what's this stuff? SECOND DOCTOR: The invisible man. Antimatter. BRIGADIER: But I thought you said that matter and antimatter couldn't meet without an explosion. SECOND DOCTOR: Yes, that's right. BRIGADIER: So, it shouldn't exist here, but it does. SECOND DOCTOR: Yes. Awkward, isn't it? As far as I can see, there's only one explanation. BRIGADIER: Yes? SECOND DOCTOR: Well, this stuff, or whoever sent it, is cleverer than we are. Unfortunate, isn't it. BRIGADIER: And there's nothing that even you can do? SECOND DOCTOR: Oh, I wouldn't say that. We can make sure it stays harmless for a start. BRIGADIER: Oh, that's a relief. Look, can I leave you to get on with that? Those other things are still outside there. I must contact Geneva. (The Brigadier leaves.) BENTON: Doc, I think the strain's been a bit too much for him. What are we going to do now? SECOND DOCTOR: Keep it confused. Feed it with useless information. I wonder if I have a television set handy. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PLANET SURFACE THIRD DOCTOR: That's odd. JO: Hey, surely that's the water cooler from outside the lab. THIRD DOCTOR: Yes. JO: And what's this? THIRD DOCTOR: Well, that's the Brigadier's computer. JO: Oh. THIRD DOCTOR: Look, this is the lab door. JO: It's locked. THIRD DOCTOR: Well, it says No Admittance. (They walk on.) THIRD DOCTOR: Yes. Well, we both know what that is, don't we? JO: Sure do. THIRD DOCTOR: Er, Jo, do you see what I see? JO: Oh, yes! THIRD DOCTOR: That clinches it. We have been transported, and so has all this stuff. Come on. (They walk down the rocky path toward a waiting Bessie. Then they climb in.) THIRD DOCTOR: Right. All we've got to do is find out where we are and who brought us here. JO: Right, come on then. THIRD DOCTOR: Where to? JO: Twice round the park? THIRD DOCTOR: Right. JO: Right. (He puts Bessie in gear and backs up, then puts it in forward and drives off, with a gell guard looming in the foreground. A crazy angle shows us the car as it stops and they get out again. The investigate some footprints in the dirt.) THIRD DOCTOR: Man Friday, would you believe? JO: At the moment, I'd believe anything. THIRD DOCTOR: Come on. (They set off to follow the prints, and Arthur Ollis peers over a ridge.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. UNIT LABORATORY (The Doctor is crouching with Benton behind a parabolic microphone or similar device, listening to the blob making its crackling sound.) SECOND DOCTOR: It's quite like old time, eh, Sergeant? BENTON: Yes, it is, isn't it. Is it ready yet? SECOND DOCTOR: Hmm? Oh, nearly ready for testing. BENTON: Look, Doc, why don't we give this great big blancmange the full treatment now? SECOND DOCTOR: Now steady on, Sergeant. BRIGADIER: Right, come on, Doctor. Security Council want an explanation and I'm leaving it all up to you. SECOND DOCTOR: Oh, no. BRIGADIER: They're on video in my office. SECOND DOCTOR: But won't they think it strange? I mean, me? BRIGADIER: I've explained all that. You're his assistant. SECOND DOCTOR: His what! BRIGADIER: I decided the truth was too much for them. Assistant it will have to be. Well? SECOND DOCTOR: Well, I've just set this thing up! Now I won't be able to confuse it! BRIGADIER: No doubt. It seems to be your forte, Doctor, confusing people. You're sure that thing's all right? SECOND DOCTOR: Yes, as quiet as a lamb. We've got it thoroughly subdued, haven't we, Sergeant. BENTON: We haven't tested it. BRIGADIER: All right then, Benton, you'd better keep an eye on it. BENTON: Me, sir? BRIGADIER: Yes, you. SECOND DOCTOR: Oh, very well. Here you are, Sergeant, you'll need this. Now if it gives the slightest trouble, a little dose of that will settle it. BENTON: Yes, but say that doesn't work, Doctor? SECOND DOCTOR: Then give it the lot! Come on, Brigadier. (The Doctor leaves with the Brigadier. Benton stands a little worried, then pops a piece of chewing gum in his mouth.) BENTON: Now you're not going to give me any trouble, are you, okay? (He throws the chewing gum wrapper at it and turns away. It bristles, and Benton backs up alarmed. It continues bristling, and Benton takes the control and activates the device. It appears to have no effect.) BENTON: Doctor? Doctor, are you there? (He continues using the device to no effect.) BENTON: Doctor! Doctor! Doctor! SECOND DOCTOR: What is it? Oh! BRIGADIER: Benton, what have you done? BENTON: I did what the Doctor told me, sir, but it wouldn't work. It's gone mad. SECOND DOCTOR: Into the TARDIS, quickly! Come on, Brigadier! (A bright flash, but they've made it into the TARDIS.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TARDIS SECOND DOCTOR: Yes, it's quite cozy, isn't it? Oh, you'll soon get used to it, old chap. Relative dimensions and all that. BRIGADIER: So this is what you've been doing with UNIT funds and equipment all this time. How's it done? Some sort of optical illusion? SECOND DOCTOR: Oh, no, no, no. They come like this. Really. BRIGADIER: Yeah. BENTON: Hey, Doc, it's going berserk out there. SECOND DOCTOR: Yes, it is, isn't it. BRIGADIER: All right, now we're in here, what do we do? SECOND DOCTOR: Oh, we have a think. Care for a jelly baby? [SCENE_BREAK] BACK IN THE BLACK HOLE TYLER: E equals MC squared. There's no doubt about that. But if you equate gravitation with acceleration, I must have travelled faster than the speed of light. That's impossible. By definition, the light here must be travelling backwards, but I can still see. JO: Who's that? THIRD DOCTOR: It's Doctor Tyler. Doctor Tyler! TYLER: Huh? Why, it's the Doctor, isn't it? And Miss Grant. JO: How did you get here? TYLER: Well, I was in your lab, developing that plate, and there was some kind of an explosion and here I am. Oh, it's fascinating. JO: Do you know where we are, Doctor Tyler? TYLER: No, I don't. Do you, Doctor? THIRD DOCTOR: Yes. We're at the other end of that light streak of yours. TYLER: What? THIRD DOCTOR: We've been transported along it. TYLER: That's in the black hole. THIRD DOCTOR: Yes, exactly. That's where we are. On a stable world in a universe of antimatter. An anomaly within an impossibility. JO: Huh? TYLER: What he means is that a place like this shouldn't exist in a cosmos like this, and even if it does, we shouldn't be here anyway. I think. JO: Oh. THIRD DOCTOR: Well, here we are. Kidnapped and marooned. But by whom? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. THRONE ROOM (They are being watched on a screen by someone.) OMEGA: At last, a Time Lord within my power. Let my guests be brought into my presence. (The gell guard moves.) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PLANET SURFACE THIRD DOCTOR: Well, these things sound very much like the creatures that attacked us at UNIT HQ. JO: Yeah. THIRD DOCTOR: What exactly did they look like? (Dr Tyler sees a gell guard over the ridge.) TYLER: Like that. THIRD DOCTOR: Run! (The gell guards fire, and explosions ring the travelers. They hold their hands up and surrender. Mr Ollis watches from nearby.) INT. TARDIS BRIGADIER: Doctor, will you open this door? BENTON: It's still thrashing about out there, sir. SECOND DOCTOR: Yes, it is, isn't it. My little plan seems to have misfired. I seem to have accentuated its metabolic rate BRIGADIER: Doctor! SECOND DOCTOR: Most unfortunate. It shouldn't have happened. Now, what went wrong? BRIGADIER: Will you let me out of this contraption! SECOND DOCTOR: The beam should have desensitised. Of course, you fool. It's antimatter! The opposite effect! Instead of quietening down, I've stimulated it. BRIGADIER: Will you stop nattering? SECOND DOCTOR: You haven't seen my recorder anywhere, have you? It's a little thing about this long with holes in. I had it when I came in and I put it down somewhere and I can't find it. BRIGADIER: For the last time, will you let me out of this madhouse! SECOND DOCTOR: There's no point. BRIGADIER: I'm sorry, Doctor, but I'm afraid I must insist. My place is with the men out there, trying to do something about this, well, whatever it is out there, not standing around here messing about looking for some damn fool flute! SECOND DOCTOR: Brigadier, I cannot open that door without first turning off the force field, and even if I did, you'd never make it across the floor. That thing out there has become a killer. It's my fault and I'm sorry. BRIGADIER: Sorry? SECOND DOCTOR: All we can do now is think, and I think best to music. Now, where is my recorder? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OMEGA'S LAIR (The gell guard is following the travelers.) JO: It looks like Aladdin's cave. THIRD DOCTOR: It's the entrance to some sort of palace, I should imagine. TYLER: I wonder who it belongs to? THIRD DOCTOR: I've no idea, but I expect we'll soon find out. JO: I'm not sure that I really want to. TYLER: Whoever had us brought here doesn't mean us much good. JO: I have a feeling you might be right. TYLER: And I don't fancy hanging around to meet him. I'm going to try and make a break for it. THIRD DOCTOR: What? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TARDIS BRIGADIER: Corporal Palmer, this is the Brigadier. Do you read me? Over. SECOND DOCTOR: You're wasting your time. You'll never get through with the force field on. BRIGADIER: I've got to find out what's going on out there. SECOND DOCTOR: Let's have a look at this thing. SECOND DOCTOR: I'll try to set you up a communications unit. BRIGADIER: Be careful. SECOND DOCTOR: It's all right. Don't worry. I can boost this through the TARDIS's communication circuit. I think. BRIGADIER: Oh, I give up. BENTON: With respect, sir, aren't we wasting time? BRIGADIER: Yes, we are. SECOND DOCTOR: Are you still worried about your other Doctor, Sergeant? BENTON: Well, yes, I am, and Miss Grant. SECOND DOCTOR: Well, I shouldn't worry too much if I were you. In fact, I rather envy them. BENTON: You what? SECOND DOCTOR: Yes, I think they're having a very interesting time. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OMEGA'S LAIR TYLER: The time to make a getaway is now, while we're still near the entrance. Once they get us down that maze of passageways we shall never get out. THIRD DOCTOR: My dear Doctor Tyler, I don't want to get out. I want to meet our host. I allowed myself to be brought here for that very purpose. TYLER: Perhaps you did, Doctor, but we didn't want to come here and we don't want to stay. THIRD DOCTOR: Don't you understand? You were both brought here by accident. Your only chance of getting back lies in my persuading whoever brought you here to send you home. TYLER: I prefer to take a chance on my own. How about you, Miss Grant? Are you coming with me? JO: No. No, I'll stick with the Doctor, thank you. TYLER: Looks like I'll have to go on my own then. THIRD DOCTOR: Doctor Tyler, you're not going anywhere. TYLER: What? THIRD DOCTOR: I refuse to allow you to endanger all our lives. TYLER: No. No, I suppose you're right. (He gets a very obvious look on his face, then makes a dash for it.) THIRD DOCTOR: Tyler! Tyler, come back! Tyler! (A gell guard blocks the Doctor from giving chase. Tyler creeps along the corridor.) THIRD DOCTOR: Idiot. He'll jeopardise the entire operation. JO: With his life, probably. THIRD DOCTOR: Yes. JO: They might not harm him. You said we were only here by mistake. THIRD DOCTOR: Yes, that's right, Jo. I'm the one they're after. I'm sure I can persuade our host to send you back. JO: But supposing you can't? Well, they might just get rid of us. (Tyler continues his random escape attempt through the passageways, gell guards everywhere.) THIRD DOCTOR: Jo, we're dealing here with a creature of great intelligence, and superior intelligence and senseless cruelty just do not go together. JO: Oh, I hope you're right. (Tyler comes tumbling back into their area.) JO: Tyler! THIRD DOCTOR: Tyler! Come on, get up. Up, up. Are you all right? TYLER: Yes, I think so. Thanks. That was a bit of a waste of time, wasn't it. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TARDIS (The Brigadier paces.) SECOND DOCTOR: Here we are, Brigadier. Have a try with that. (He approaches with trepidation.) SECOND DOCTOR: It's all right, it won't bite you. BRIGADIER: Corporal Palmer? Come in, Palmer. (Nothing but static. The Doctor takes the microphone and bashes it against the console.) PALMER (OOV): Corporal Palmer here. Over. BRIGADIER: Corporal Palmer, this is the Brigadier. Now listen. We're pinned down in the laboratory. What's the situation there? Over. PALMER (OOV): Ah, sir, we've been trying to reach you. The building is still surrounded but we're just standing by for further orders. Over. BRIGADIER: Now listen, Palmer. I want every man to maintain vigilance, but no further offensive action, is that clear? Over. PALMER (OOV): But sir, I thought BRIGADIER: That's an order, Palmer! PALMER (OOV): Roger, sir. Wilco. BRIGADIER: Keep in contact. Out. BENTON: Doc. SECOND DOCTOR: Hmm? BENTON: Hey, Doctor, it's the old boy. SECOND DOCTOR: Oh, excuse me. FIRST DOCTOR (on scanner): Made any progress? SECOND DOCTOR: No, none at all. And you? FIRST DOCTOR: Hardly. I'm trapped in this infernal time eddy. SECOND DOCTOR: What about our fellow Time Lords? FIRST DOCTOR (on scanner): Growing steadily weaker. They can't seem to check their energy loss. SECOND DOCTOR: We can't help you, I'm afraid. FIRST DOCTOR (on scanner): Oh yes, you could. SECOND DOCTOR: Oh? How? FIRST DOCTOR (on scanner): Well, first turn off your force field. SECOND DOCTOR: What? But I don't FIRST DOCTOR (on scanner): Off, I said. SECOND DOCTOR: But I still don't see FIRST DOCTOR: Oh, use your intelligence. (He fades from the screen.) BRIGADIER: Who in the name of heaven was that? SECOND DOCTOR: I'm afraid you'd never believe me. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OMEGA'S LAIR (The prisoners are led on by a gell guard.) TYLER: It still doesn't make sense, Doctor. We are matter, and you say this place is antimatter. THIRD DOCTOR: That's right. TYLER: So, the mere fact of our being here should cause a colossal explosion. THIRD DOCTOR: Yes, well, our bodies have been converted, processed in some ways, so that we can exist here. JO: Just as that organism thing could exist in our world? THIRD DOCTOR: Yes, exactly. TYLER: I just don't believe it. This is matter. I can see it. Why, I can feel it. THIRD DOCTOR: But things aren't always as they seem, you know, Doctor Tyler. Now, you take this pencil, for example. TYLER: It's just a pencil, isn't it? THIRD DOCTOR: Ah, but is it? Watch very, very closely. (He performs a magic trick with stupid noises, turning the pencil into a bunch of flowers.) THIRD DOCTOR: Or is it a bunch of flowers? TYLER: Ah ha, that's all very well, but that's just a conjuring trick. THIRD DOCTOR: Yes, that's exactly what this place is, a scientific conjuring trick of a very high order. I think the waiting is over. (The gell guards lead them in.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TARDIS BRIGADIER: You're not going to turn off the force field? SECOND DOCTOR: Yes, I think so. BRIGADIER: But why? SECOND DOCTOR: Because he told me to, and I've always had a great respect for his advice. BENTON: Doctor, if you switch the force field off, that thing out there can get at the TARDIS. SECOND DOCTOR: Precisely! Hold tight, everyone. (He slams down on the switch on the console. Outside, the gell guards vanish abruptly, to the amazement of the UNIT soldiers.)

Plan: A: an artificial world; Q: What kind of world do the third Doctor and Jo find themselves on? A: the second Doctor; Q: Who tries to find a way to control the organism? Summary: The third Doctor and Jo find themselves on an artificial world inside the black hole while the second Doctor tries to find a way to control the organism.

Teleplay by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones Story by: Dana Klein Borkow [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except Monica as Ross enters carrying a huge stack of newspapers.] Ross: Hey you guys I got some bad news. (He sets the stack of papers down on the table.) Phoebe: Well that's no way to sell newspapers. Why don't you try, "Extra! Extra! Read all about it!" Ross: No, Monica's restaurant got a horrible review in the Post. (They all gasp.) I didn't want her to see it, so I ran around the neighborhood and bought all the copies I could find. (He hands the paper to Phoebe and they all read it.) Joey: Man, this is bad! And I've had my share of bad reviews. I still remember my first good one though. (Quoting) "Everything else in this production of Our Town was simply terrible. Joey Tribbiani was abysmal." Monica: (entering) Hey! Chandler: Hey. Monica: (seeing the stack of newspapers) Oh my God! Look at all the newspapers! It must be a good review! Is it great?! Ross: Umm... Monica: (reading) Oh dear God! Ross: But the good news is, no one in a two-block radius will ever know. Monica: What about the rest of Manhattan?! Ross: Yeah, they all know. Monica: Oh my God, this is horrible! Chandler: I'm so sorry. Monica: I'm so humiliated! Rachel: Yeah but y'know what they say Mon, "There's no such thing as bad press." Monica: You don't think that umm, (reading) "The chef's Mahi Mahi was awful awful," is bad press? Rachel: I didn't write it. Monica: Is he right? Am I really-Am I awful? All: No! Joey: Yeah! Yeah Monica! You listen to me, okay? And I'm not just saying this because I'm your friend, I'm sayin' it 'cause it's the truth. You're food is abysmal! Opening Credits [Scene: Ross and Rachel's, it's late at night, Rachel is sitting on the couch in the dark wide-awake as Ross walks to the bathroom.] Rachel: Ross! Ross: (startling him) What?! What? Rachel: I am freaking out! Ross: Are ya? Rachel: My due date is in one week! Ross: What are you doing up? Rachel: That is seven days! Ross: Okay look, I had a lot of water before I went to bed. Can we do this after... Rachel: (interrupting him) No-no-no-no-no Ross! Please, come on we do not have any of the big stuff we need! We do not a changing table! We do not have a crib! We do not have a diaper service! Ross: It's funny you should mention diapers. Rachel: I'm serious. Ross: Okay look, there's nothing to worry about. We have plenty of time. There's a great baby furniture store on west 10th. Tomorrow, we will go there and we will get you everything that you need. Okay? Rachel: Okay. Thank you. That's great. Thank you. Wait-wait! Where on west 10th? Because there's this really cute shoe store that has like this little... Ross: (interrupting her) Okay. Okay. If uh, if you're gonna do this, then I'm gonna do that. (Points to the bathroom.) So... (Starts for the bathroom.) Rachel: (stopping him) Oh, wait Ross! I'm sorry, one more thing! Ross: (annoyed) Yeah! Rachel: Umm, our situation. Y'know umm, what we mean to each other. And I mean we-we're having this baby together, and we live together. Isn't that, isn't that weird? Ross: (stunned) (thinks) Well uh... Rachel: I'm just kidding! You can go pee! (He does so in a hurry.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is cooking as Chandler looks on. Joey: (entering) Hey uh Monica, I can't remember. Did we say we were gonna meet here or at the movies? Monica: We said at the movies, but... Joey: Okay, I'll see you there. (Starts to leave) Monica: Joey! (He returns) Now that you're here... Joey: Sure, I can hang out 'til I have to meet ya. (To Chandler) What uh-How come you're not going? Chandler: I have a job interview I have to get ready for. Joey: I thought you already have a job. Chandler: And people say you don't pay attention. No, this is a much better job. It's vice-president of a company that does data reconfiguration and statistical factoring for other companies. Joey: Wow! How do you know how to do that?! Chandler: That's what I do now. Monica: Hey Joey, come taste this. Joey: What is it? Monica: Remember that guy that gave me a bad review? Well... (Feeds him a spoonful of what she's cooking.) I'm getting my revenge! Joey: You cooked him? Monica: No. He teaches a course on food criticism at the New School, so before we go to the movies I wanna go by there and make him try my bollet base again. Oh, I cannot wait to read the front page of the Post tomorrow! "Restaurant reviewer admits: I was wrong about Monica." Chandler: The front page? You really do live in your own little world, don't ya? [Scene: The Baby Furniture Store, Ross and Rachel are checking out.] Cashier: Do you uh, want these things delivered Mr. and Mrs. Geller? Rachel: Oh. Ross: Oh. Rachel: No-no-no! No, no, no, we're not married. Ross: We are having a baby together, but we're not involved. (The cashier, a very beautiful woman, looks confused) I mean, uh we-we were seeing each other a while ago, but then we were just friends. And then there was one drunken night. (Rachel looks at him angrily) Or, yes stranger, we'd like this delivered please. Cashier: Why don't you fill out this address card. (Hands him one.) Ross: Oh, okay. Cashier: I notice you picked out a lot of our dinosaur items. Rachel: Oh yeah! Actually, that's one of the reasons why we're not a couple. Ross: I chose those, I'm a paleontologist. Cashier: Really?! That is so cool! Rachel: Oh. Oh yeah, don't get to worked up over it. I mean it-it sounds like he's a doctor, but he's not. Cashier: Oh no-no, I'm fascinated by paleontology. Have you read the new Walter Alvarez book? Ross: Yeah! I-I teach it in my class. Rachel: Oh my God! I'm standing at a cash register, holding a credit card, and I'm bored. Cashier: (looking at the completed address card) Oh, I love your neighborhood. There's a great gym right around the corner from your building. Ross: That's my gym. Cashier: I can tell you work out. (Ross is please and Rachel looks at him confused.) A paleontologist who works out, you're like Indiana Jones. (Rachel has a disbelieving look on her face.) Ross: I am like Indiana Jones. [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Hi Pheebs! Phoebe: Hey! Oh, how did baby shopping go? Rachel: Oh, it was great! We got everything that we needed! Oh and Ross, almost got something that wasn't on the list. A whore. Phoebe: What?! Rachel: Well, we were paying for our stuff and this saleswoman just started flirting with him. Phoebe: Well did she know you two weren't married? Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: Oh my God! Well the idea of a woman flirting with a-with a single man, we-we must alert the church elders! Rachel: You don't understand! You didn't see how brazen she was. Phoebe: Sounds like you're a little jealous. Rachel: No! I'm not! I-I-I just think it's wrong! It's-it's that I'm-Here I am about to pop and he's out picking up some shop girl at Sluts 'R' Us! Phoebe: Is that a real place? (Rachel's stunned) Are they hiring? Chandler: (entering) Hey Phoebe! (To Rachel) Fatty! Phoebe: Hey Chandler, why so fancy? Chandler: Well, I got a job interview. It's kinda a big deal too. Its a lot more money and I'd be doing data reconfiguration and statistical factoring. Phoebe: Wait, I think I know someone who does that. Chandler: Me! I do that. So... Seriously, do I look okay? I'm little nervous. Rachel: Oh yeah! You really-You look great. Phoebe: Yeah, just don't get your hopes up. Chandler: Why not? Phoebe: Well, the interview... Chandler: What about it? Phoebe: Y'know! You don't make a very good first impression. Chandler: (shocked) What?! Phoebe: Oh you don't know. Chandler: Are you serious?! Phoebe: Yes, when I first met you, you were like, "Blah, blah, blah." I was like, shhh! Chandler: What is it that I do? Phoebe: Well it's just like you're trying too hard. Always making jokes, y'know, you just-You come off a little needy. Chandler: (To Rachel) Did you like me when we first met? Rachel: Chandler, I'm not gonna lie to ya, but I am gonna run away from you. (Gets up and hurries out.) [Scene: The New School, Monica, carrying her dish, and Joey are confronting the food critic.] Monica: Hi! Umm, I'm Monica Geller, I'm the chef at Alessandro's. The Food Critic: Still? Monica: I think the things that you said about me are really unfair, and I would like for you to give my boule base another chance. The Food Critic: I don't see any reason why I would do that to myself again. Joey: Either eat it, or be in it. Monica: Spoon? (Hands him one and he tastes it.) So, what do you think? The Food Critic: I'm torn, between my integrity and my desire to avoid a beating. But I must be honest, your soap is abysmal. (Throws down the spoon and walks out.) Joey: Thata girl! Huh? We should get out of here; there's a new class comin' in. (They start to leave.) The Cooking Teacher: Welcome to introduction to cooking. Now, before we start, can anyone tell me the difference between a hollandaise sauce and a bournese sauce? (No one can.) Monica: I can. The Cooking Teacher: Okay, go ahead. Monica: Well umm, they both have a egg yolk and butter base, but a bournese has shallots, shirvel, and most importantly teradyne. The Cooking Teacher: That's very good, what's your name? Monica: Monica. The Cooking Teacher: Monica, you go to the head of the class. Monica: Okay. (Does so.) [Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are unpacking and setting up their new purchases.] Rachel: All this stuff takes up a lot of room. Hey how uh, how serious are you about keeping Ben in your life? Ross: My son? Pretty serious. (There's a knock on the door and Ross answers it.) Oh hey Katie! (The cashier from before) What uh, what are you doing here? Katie: Well, the delivery went out to you and I realized they forgot this. (A blanket.) Ross: Ah, must've been fairly obvious since it was the only thing left in your store. Katie: Listen, to be honest, home deliveries are really a part of my job description. Ross: Oh. (Reaches into his pocket for some money as Rachel enters the living room and watches holding two stuffed dinosaurs.) Katie: Oh uh...I actually came here to ask you out. Ross: Oh! Wow! Uh, yeah! That sounds great. I'm just gonna put this (The money) back in my pocket, pretend that didn't happen. Uh yeah, actually I'm free now. Do you wanna grab some coffee or... Katie: Sure! Rachel: Horny bitch. (They both look at her, pretending that the dinosaurs she's holding are arguing.) No! You're a horny bitch! Noooo! You're the horny bitch! No! You're a horny bitch! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Ross and Rachel's, continued from before.] Rachel: So you guys go, have a really good time. Ross: (To Katie) Yeah, I'm just gonna grab my coat. And uh, and my whip. (Katie looks worried.) Y'know because of the Indiana Jones? (Katie laughs) Not-not because I'm-I'm into S&M. (Katie's worried again.) I'm not-I'm not into anything weird. Y'know? Just-just normal s*x. (Katie is uncomfortable.) So, I'm gonna grab my coat. (Does so, leaving Katie and Rachel alone.) Rachel: So, you had a good day huh? Big commission; picked up a daddy. Katie: Are you okay with this? Rachel: Oh yeah! Yeah please, you guys have fun. Katie: Okay. It was nice to see you. Rachel: Oh and it was great to see you too. And you look fantastic, although you missed a button. Katie: Oh umm, actually I umm... Rachel: Oh okay, I see what you're doing there. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Phoebe are entering.] Chandler: I can't even believe this! I really come off that badly? Phoebe: Oh! It's okay, you calm down after a while and then people can see how really sweet and wonderful you really are. Chandler: Oh good. Good, because I'm sure this interview is gonna last a couple of weeks. Phoebe: All right, don't freak out! Okay? I-I will help you. How long before you have to leave? Chandler: An hour. Phoebe: I can't help you. Chandler: Phoebe! Phoebe: All right, all right, we'll just do our best. Okay? So let's say I'm the interviewer and I'm meeting you for the first time. Okay. "Hi! Come on in, I'm uh, Regina Philange." Chandler: Chandler Bing. Phoebe: Bing, what an unusual name. Chandler: Well you should meet my uncle, Bada. (Pause) I'll let myself out. [Scene: The Cooking Class, Joey is trying to cook as the teacher walks over to him.] Joey: Hi. The Cooking Teacher: Your Fettuccini Alfredo looks a little dry, did you use all your cheese? Joey: When you say used, do you mean eat as a pre-cooking snack? The Cooking Teacher: And the cream? Joey: Cheese makes me thirsty. The Cooking Teacher: Okay. Let's move on. Joey: All right. The Cooking Teacher: (To Monica) Oh! Something smells good over at Monica's station! (She tries Monica's fettuccini.) Oh my God! This is absolutely amazing! You've never made this before? Monica: Oh no! I don't know anything about cooking. I had to ask someone what it's called when the, when the water makes those little bubbles. The Cooking Teacher: Well, hats off to the chef. Monica: I-I-I'm sorry, your-your mouth was full, I didn't hear what you said. Umm, hats off to who now? The Cooking Teacher: The chef! Monica: That's right. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Phoebe are still working on his interviewing techniques.] Chandler: ...I think you'll find if I come to work here, I don't micro-manage. I don't shy away from delegating. Phoebe: Um-hmm, that's good to know. But let's stop focusing on what you don't do, and start focusing on what you do do. Chandler: (suppressing a smile) What I do do...is manage to uh, create an atmosphere of support for the people working with me. Phoebe: I see. Nice sidestep on the do do thing by the way. Chandler: Hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Phoebe: You gotta go! Chandler: Oh! (Stands up.) Phoebe: Okay, don't worry. You're ready. Chandler: Really? Phoebe: Absolutely! Just fight all your natural instincts and you'll be great. Chandler: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Cooking Class, everyone has finished baking a batch of cookies and the teacher is going around tasting them.] The Cooking Teacher: Ah Monica, my star student. Monica: Y'know, you called me that before so I-I took the liberty of fashioning a star out of aluminum foil. Now, no pressure, you like my cookies, you give me the star. (Hands it to her.) The Cooking Teacher: (tasting the cookie and with her mouthful) Oh, yum-yum-yum. (Hands the star back.) Monica: Wow! A star! (The class glares at her.) I know you all hate me and-and I'm sorry, but I don't care. (The teacher goes to Joey's station.) The Cooking Teacher: Okay Joey, you're up next. (Tries one of his cookies.) This are good! This is amazing! You get an A! Joey: I can an A? In-in school? (To Joey) Hey, I'm a dork. Monica: Joey! I'm so proud of you! The Cooking Teacher: I think you should give him your star. Monica: Excuse me? He doesn't even know what he's doing! The Cooking Teacher: We're all beginners here. Nobody knows what they're doing. Monica: I do! I'm a professional chef! (The class gasps.) Oh relax! It's not a courtroom drama! The Cooking Teacher: If you're a professional chef, what are you doing taking Introduction to Cooking? Joey: Yeah! Monica: I'm-I'm sorry, it's just that umm... Well I-I cook at this restaurant, Alessandro's, and umm I just got a really bad review... The Cooking Teacher: Oh Alessandro's! I love that place! Monica: You do? The Cooking Teacher: Oh yes! You're an excellent chef! As a person you're a little... Monica: Oh, I'm totally crazy, but you-you like the food? The Cooking Teacher: Very much. Monica: Okay then, I don't stink. I'm a good chef. Okay. (Starts to leave.) Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! I don't want to go. I'm having fun. The Cooking Teacher: Well actually, did either of you pay for this class? Joey: Hey-hey-hey, if my friend says it's time to go, it's time to go. (Starts to leave, but comes back for his cookies.) [Scene: An Office Building, Chandler is on his interview.] Chandler: ...also I was the point person on my company's transition from the KL-5 to GR-6 system. The Interviewer: You must've had your hands full. Chandler: That I did. That I did. The Interviewer: So let's talk a little bit about your duties. Chandler: (nervous) My duties? (Trying not to crack a joke) All right. The Interviewer: Now you'll be heading a whole division, so you'll have a lot of duties. Chandler: (trying not to laugh) I see. The Interviewer: But there'll be perhaps 30 people under you so you can dump a certain amount on them. Chandler: (really try not to laugh) Good to know. The Interviewer: We can go into detail... Chandler: No don't I beg of you! The Interviewer: All right then, we'll have a definite answer for you on Monday, but I think I can say with some confidence, you'll fit in well here. Chandler: (relieved) Really?! The Interviewer: Absolutely. (They walk to the door.) You can relax; you did great. Chandler: Yeah I gotta say thank you, I was really nervous. Y'know I've been told I come on to strong, make to many jokes, and then it was really hard to sidestep that duty thing. (The interviewer doesn't understand) Duties. (Still doesn't.) Duties! (Still doesn't.) Poo. (Still doesn't.) The Interviewer: Poo? Chandler: Oh my God this doesn't count! Okay? The interview was over, that was the real Chandler Bing in there, this is just some crazy guy out in the hall! Call security! There's a crazy guy out in the hall! The Interviewer: Poo?! Chandler: I'll look forward to your call. (Walks away.) [Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is returning from his date.] Ross: Hey. Rachel: Hi! You're back from your date! Ross: How are you? Rachel: I'm fine, but that's not important. What's important is how was she? Ross: Uhh, it was fun. We, we just had coffee. Rachel: Oh uh-huh, uh-huh, coffee, a little rub-rub-rub under the table. Ross: What's uh, what's going on? Do you not, do you not like Katie? Rachel: No! No, she's-She was nice. I mean, she's a little slutty, but who isn't? Ross: I liked her. Rachel: Of course you did Ross, you would date a gorilla if it called you Indiana Jones! Ross: Did you get like a fresh batch of pregnancy hormones today?! Rachel: No! It's just that, Kate bothered me. Ross: Why? What was wrong with her? Rachel: There was nothing wrong with her! All right? She was perfectly lovely! Ross: Okay, so what's the matter? Rachel: I don't want you to date her! Ross: (laughs) Why? What, what are you jealous? Rachel: Yes! And not because I want you to go out with me, but because I don't want you to go out with anybody! Okay? I know it's a terrible thing to even think this, and it's completely inappropriate, but I want you to be at my constant beck and call 24 hours a day! I'm very sorry, but that is just the way that I feel. Ross: Okay. Rachel: What?! Ross: I won't date. I'll uh, I'll be here, with you, all the time. Rachel: Really? But I'm being so unreasonable. Ross: True, but you're allowed to be unreasonable. You're having our baby. (Pause.) Rachel: (starting to cry) Oh Ross, thank you. Thank you. (They hug.) Ross: Do you feel better? Rachel: No, not really. You're pressing the baby into my bladder and now I have to pee. Sorry. (She gets up and starts for the bathroom.) Ross: Uh Rach? Rachel: Yeah. (Stops and starts doing the I-have-to-go-to-the-bathroom dance.) Ross: Just one thing umm... Rachel: Uh-huh. Ross: We live together. You're having our baby. I'm not gonna see anybody else. Are you-are you sure you don't want something more? Rachel: (pause) Wow! I don't know, maybe. I'm... Ross: Oh-oh, Rach! I was just messin' around! (She's stunned) Like you did last night when I had to pee? Rachel: (laughs) I knew that! I knew that! I was just messin' with you too! Ross: (pause) Okay. Okay. Because for a minute you said you... Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no, no! Ross: ...that you actually... Rachel: No that's just-(Laughs)-That's just 'cause I'm such a good messer! (They both laugh. Ross sits down, but Rachel doesn't move and is lost in thought.) Ross: Rach? Rachel: Yeah? Ross: The bathroom? Rachel: Right! (Heads for the bathroom.) Closing Credits [Scene: The New School, Joey and Monica are walking down a hallway.] Joey: Well I had a great time! Learned how to bake, ate great food, that's the first A I've gotten since seventh grade, and I didn't have to sleep with the teacher this time. Monica: Oh, look! Acting for Beginners! Want to feel good about yourself? Joey: What the hell! Monica: Okay. (They enter.) The Acting Teacher: All right, let's start with some basics. Can anybody tell me what the difference between upstage and downstage is? (No one can and Monica looks at Joey expectantly.) Joey: Yeah, this was a stupid idea. (Exits.)

Plan: A: Monica's cooking skills; Q: What gets a bad review in The Post? A: a cooking class; Q: What does Monica join? A: Joey; Q: Who goes with Monica to cooking class? A: Rachel; Q: Who gets jealous when Ross meets a girl who flirts with him? A: the baby department store; Q: Where does Ross meet a girl who flirts with him? A: Phoebe; Q: Who helps Chandler prepare for an interview? Summary: Monica's cooking skills get a bad review in The Post . After confronting the critic who wrote it, she decides to join a cooking class, with Joey in tow. Rachel gets jealous when Ross meets a girl who flirts with him at the baby department store. Phoebe helps Chandler prepare for an interview by stopping his natural instinct to make immature jokes.

[Scene: Cafe. Piper, Phoebe and the kids are there. Piper has a blanket covering her chest, obviously breast feeding baby Chris. Wyatt is sitting in a stroller beside her. Phoebe is looking at an article with her picture beside it in the newspaper.] Phoebe: That's not me. Piper: Sure looks like you. Phoebe: No, I mean, the picture's me, just the column is not me. I knew a man couldn't give advice like a woman. Men are all about, you know, fixing the problem. Piper: Isn't that what advice columnists are supposed to do? Phoebe: No. I mean, yes, but first you're supposed to listen, then you're supposed to validate feelings. At least that's what a woman would do, but not a man, they go straight to fixing it. This "Glass Ceiling in Sausalito", Leslie tells this woman step by step how to deal with her boss. There are no feelings in there, no emotions. I mean, my readers are going to read that and know that I did not write it. This is a nightmare. Piper: Honestly, it's real subtle. They might not notice. Phoebe: Even the letters that he picks. They're all fix-it letters, you know? And I left him three messages about this yesterday, he did not call me back. Piper: I thought the whole point of this little vacation was for you to relax and recharge. Phoebe: Yeah, I know. But it's still my column, you know, I still care about it. Piper: Any big change takes some adjusting. So for a while you're just gonna feel a little lost. Phoebe: See, you just validated my feelings. Piper: Phoebe, you need to stop obsessing. Unless, of course, you know, you're obsessing because, um, you like him. Phoebe: No, I don't like him. He's like... eww. Piper: Well, then forget about it and find something else to obsess about. Phoebe: Yeah, I know, you're right, I have to find a way to channel my energy, find something to be passionate about. (Piper sees a couple and the manager staring at her from near by.) You know, Paige with Magic School, you saving Leo. Piper: I'm not saving him, I'm just hoping that by spending some time with the boys that he'll feel loved and needed, and realise that life isn't all that bad. (The manager walks up to their table.) Manager: Excuse me, ladies, but I'm afraid you're gonna have to take that some place else. Piper: Take what? Manager: You know... (He gestures towards baby Chris.) That. Phoebe: It's called breast feeding. Manager: Customers are complaining. Phoebe: Wh... What? Piper: Alright, let's go. I gotta go anyway. Phoebe: No, Piper, you are not going anywhere. You've done nothing wrong. (Phoebe stands up and faces the waiter.) You can't do this. Manager: Actually, yeah, I can. (He points to a sign that reads "Management has the right to refuse service to anyone".) Sorry. (He walks away.) Piper: It's no big deal, let's go. Phoebe: That's horrible. Piper: We're goin'. [Scene: Magic School. Paige is standing in the centre of the room surrounded by students and is facing three Elders.] Elder #1: This is a losing battle. Magic School was a noble experiment. But I'm afraid it's run its course. Paige: Well, what about these kids? Where are they going to go? Where are they gonna learn how to develop their magic? Elder #2: Where did you learn to develop yours? Paige: I learned from my sisters and they did from their mother and their grandmother. But not everybody has that. What these kids need... (Paige is hit with a spit ball.) What these kids need is guidance. Elder #1: The point remains that with Gideon no longer around, the safety of this institution, both to the students and to the outside world can no longer be guaranteed. Paige: I can guarantee it. (He gives her a look.) I mean, I can try to guarantee it. You see, I fight demons on a weekly basis and I think that more than qualifies me to be able to deal with some magical students. (A student sitting near a statue of Cupid, wiggles his finger and Cupid's arrow flies through the air, passes the Elders and hits a wooden crate.) Like I said, they need some guidance. Student #1: She can guide me any day. Duncan: Check it out, I just cast an awesome spell. (Duncan has a book open to a page and the page glows.) Paige: These kids are special. (It shoots out a gold light and a grey light which forms into Lady Godiva on a horse and an invisible Lord Dyson.) Students: Whoa! Student #2: Naked woman! (All the male students race over and surround Lady Godiva.) Opening Credits [Scene: Magic School. Continued from before. All the guys are trying to get to Lady Godiva. Duncan turns to Paige.] Dunca: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to conjure her, I swear it was an accident. Paige: It's okay, Duncan, I know you didn't mean to. It's okay, just tell me what happened, fast. Duncan: I don't know, I-I was just bored, you know, messing around, flipping through the history book and then poof! Out popped Lady Godiva. Paige: That's Lady Godiva. That is so cool. I mean, it's not cool. But that's okay, you just send her back and everything will be fine. Duncan: Well, that's the thing, I don't know how to send her back. I only know how to conjure. Paige: Okay, that is bad. I mean, not that you're bad. It's just a bad situation, you know what I mean? But I know you didn't mean it, so you're not really bad. It's okay, it's okay. Uh, we'll fix it. I hope. (Lady Godiva gets off the horse and grabs a robe from near by and covers herself up. Paige pulls a robe off a teacher.) I need to borrow this. I'll have it dry cleaned. Elder #1: Is that who I think it is? Paige: Lady Godiva. Pretty impressive use of magic, huh? Elder #1: Don't you know how dangerous it is to mess with history? If we don't find a way to send her back before anything happens to her. Paige: I'm all over it. (Paige rushes over to Lady Godiva and shoos the kids away.) That's it. Shoo! Get out of here. Get out with your raging hormones. Bye. Bye. (Paige wraps the robe around Lady Godiva.) Lady Godiva: What happened? Where am I? What is this place? Paige: It's okay, you're safe. I'm gonna take you home, okay? [Cut to Duncan. He sits on a couch.] Simon: Well, well, well. That's one screwed up mess you made. Good job, Duncan. You scored big. Duncan: Shut up, Simon, leave me alone. Simon: Say goodbye to Magic School. (Simon walks away. Lord Dyson moves closer to Duncan.) Lord Dyson: Such intense frustration all pent up. Let me help you let it out. (Lord Dyson holds his hand up to Duncan's head and a reddish cloud is pulled from his head and is sucked into Lord Dyson's hand.) Simon: Pack your bags, boys. Duncan just got us evicted. (Duncan goes over to Simon and punches him in the face.) Duncan: Son of a bitch, leave me alone! Stop picking on me! Elder #2: Hey! Break it up! (Duncan hits Simon again. A teacher pulls him away and takes him down the hall.) Lord Dyson: Interesting. (The Elder helps Simon up.) I have a very good feeling about this. [Scene: Manor. Foyer. Phoebe helps Piper get the stroller through the front door.] Phoebe: Piper, I can't believe you of all people are against this. We have to do something. Piper: Shh. You are not writing a letter to Ask Phoebe about my breast. Leo! Phoebe: You're the one that said I needed a cause. Piper: Shh! Yeah, so you could keep your mind off of the column, not write a letter to it. Phoebe: How am I supposed to keep my mind off of the column when he's about to blow my cover, maybe even my career. Piper: Okay, you're obsessing. (They walk into the kitchen.) Leo! You're late! Phoebe: Well, I don't know what you're worried about, it's not like he's gonna pick the letter anyway, it's way too feminine. Piper: I'm worried because somehow I know you're gonna find a way to make him pick it. Phoebe: So what? Then we hit two Neanderthals with one stone. I can not believe you're not supporting me in this. Piper: What is there to support? Phoebe, it's already a law. Phoebe: So let's sue the manager. Piper: I don't have time to sue the manager. I have other things to worry about like work. Phoebe: Yeah, I'm on sabbatical, I don't have to worry about that. I'm lost. Piper: For crying out loud, Leo! (Paige orbs in with Lady Godiva.) That's not Leo. Paige: Hey, guys. Book still upstairs? (Paige and Lady Godiva start to leave.) Phoebe: Wait a minute. Piper: Hold it. Phoebe: What happened? Paige: Well, uh, this is Godiva. Say hello. Piper: Godiva? Paige: As in, um, Lady Godiva. In the flesh so to speak. Lady Godiva: Are they witches too? Paige: Yeah. See, the meeting kind of went long, got a little boring and the kids, they grew restless and... Phoebe: So they conjured a s*x object? Lady Godiva: I am no s*x object. I was riding through town in my natural state to protest my husband's unjust taxes. (The toast pops up in the toaster and Lady Godiva gasps.) Piper: Uh, wait. Riding? As in plucked out in the middle of? Paige, she has to finish that ride, or else it could change... (Lady Godiva walks over to the toaster.) Paige: Yeah, history as we know it. I got it. But even worse, if I don't send her back soon, I'm pretty sure the Elders are gonna shut down magic school. Piper: I don't think that's worse than changing the course of history. (Lady Godiva turns on the blender and squeals. Piper runs over to her.) Okay, okay, okay. (She turns the blender off. Lady Godiva rushes back over to Paige and hides behind her.) On the other hand, how much history could a naked lady on horseback really effect? Lady Godiva: Excuse me, my ride is important. Piper: Okay. Paige: Even so, we need to find a spell to send you back. (Paige and Lady Godiva leave the kitchen.) Piper: See what I mean? We have bigger naked breasts to worry about. Phoebe: Paige has her naked breasts to worry about, I've got yours. Piper: Leo! [Scene: Underworld. Cave. Leo is holding a demon up against the cave walls with beams of electricity which are streaming out of his hands. Piper and the kids orb in. Leo stops and turns around. The demon drops to the ground.] Leo: Piper. Piper: Sorry to interrupt but I'm late for work. So Wyatt's been fed, Chris has had his early nap, and, um, they're just very excited to see you. Leo: Now's not really a good time. Piper: Well, you know, but when is a good time? Sometimes we just have to make the time. Leo: Which I will do once I've taken care of any threats towards them. Piper: Oh, but don't be ridiculous. You can't vanquish every threat. Besides, even if you did, it doesn't change the fact that... Leo: I killed another Elder? Piper: Yeah, but it wasn't your fault. Leo: It doesn't change the facts. Piper: The fact is the boys need a father. And that's really all that matters, and I can't understand why you're focusing on all this bad stuff when you have some good stuff in your life. (The demon groans and Piper covers Wyatt's eyes. Bolts of electricity out of Leo's hands hits the demon and vanquishes him.) Uh, hi. Could you please not do that around the children? Leo: You brought them here. Piper: Actually, no, you're son brought us here. Leo: Look Piper, the word is there's a Scouter Demon in the swamp, and if I don't go there... Piper: If I don't spend some time at P3, we will lose our only source of income. Leo: I can't do this, you know. Piper: Yes, you can. Just make sure you burp Chris and you will be fine. Now I gotta go, so... help me out. (Leo waves his hand and Piper orbs out.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe walks into her office holding a pink envelope. She walks over to the desk. Les walks in and she hides the envelope behind her back.] Les: Phoebe. Phoebe: Hi. Les: What are you doing here? Phoebe: I-I came to look for my favourite pen. I know I left it in here somewhere and I can't seem to write a thing without it. Les: Well, I dumped all your stuff in this bottom cabinet here. Phoebe: Oh, you dumped? (He walks over to the cabinet and looks through it. While his back is turned, Phoebe puts the letter in his in-tray.) Les: What does it look like? Phoebe: Uh, it's a fountain pen. Nothing really special. Hey, uh, since I'm here, maybe I can help with stuff. Les: Help? Phoebe: Yeah, you know, maybe help pick tomorrow's letter or something. Les: I thought you were on sabbatical. Phoebe: Still my column. Les: Having a little trouble letting go, I see. Phoebe: No, I'm not having trouble letting go. I just came here to find my pen. Les: Give it a couple of weeks. You won't even notice. Phoebe: Yeah, I'm afraid my readers are already noticing. Les: That you can't find your pen? Phoebe: That I'm a man. I mean, that-that you're a man when you're supposed to be a woman. And you're not very good at picking the letters. You only pick problems that you can solve. Les: You know, for someone taking a break, you sure have given this a lot of thought. Phoebe: No, I'm just saying, you know, that-that... I mean, the point... What was I saying? Les: Something to do with "me Tarzan, you Jane". Phoebe: Yeah, cute, very cute. Let's see. (She picks up the red letter off the top of the in-tray pile.) What's this one? Oh, this looks like a great one. "Breast feeding in Bayshore." What do you say? Les: Breast feeding? (He takes the letter.) Seems a little causey, don't you think? Phoebe: Out of your league? Les: No, I like breasts. I just don't feel the need to give any advice on them, that's all. Phoebe: Yeah, like I said. You're not good at picking letters. So if you find my pen, please call me. (She leaves the office.) [Scene Magic School. Paige and Lady Godiva are there. Paige flips through a history book.] Paige: Okay. Queen Elizabeth, Catherine the Great, Joan of Arc... ah, Lady Godiva. Good thing you have long hair. Lady Godiva: I'm in the history books? Paige: Yes. And if I can keep anything from happening to you before I send you back, you'll remain there. (Lady Godiva looks at the illustration in the book. She sees Lord Dyson standing beside the horse.) What's wrong? Lady Godiva: Lord Dyson. Paige: Is that your husband? Lady Godiva: No. An evil land baron who feeds on the pain of peasants, suppresses them for his own gain. He's the weasel who convinced my husband to tax them. Paige: Were you scared doing what you did? I mean, that was what, about a thousand years before women received equal rights. Lady Godiva: It was the right thing to do. It was the only way to make my husband see that I was serious about my stand, to shock him. Paige: And history too, apparently. Okay, mount up. (Lady Godiva walks towards her horse. She stops.) Lady Godiva: Will it be painful? Paige: No, it's magic. You won't feel a thing. Lady Godiva: Magic. I didn't think it really existed. Paige: Oh, it exists. It's just something that's hidden, you can't see it. I see not a lot of things have changed. (Lady Godiva gets on the horse.) Uh, robe? Lady Godiva: Oh! I almost forgot. (She takes off the robe and throws it to Paige.) Good luck, saving all this. Paige: Thanks. Good luck on your ride. "From lands afar in time and space, take her now from this our place, one that dwells so must remain, send her back to her domain." (Nothing happens.) Lady Godiva: What's wrong? Paige: I don't know, should've worked. (They hear a crash from the other room.) Stay here. (Paige runs into the great hall. People are fighting with each other. Elder #1 helps a woman up.) What happened? Elder #1: You tell me. You were the one who said you could control these students. Paige: Okay, well, I don't see how conjuring Lady Godiva could've caused all of this. Elder #1: Unless she wasn't the only thing conjured. (A student telekinetically sends another student flying through the air.) Paige: Boxes! (A pile of boxes orbs under the student just as he falls, making a soft landing.) Well, at least this shows how much kids need help learning to control their magic. Elder #1: This is a disaster. A complete utter disaster! (Lord Dyson walks up to the Elder.) Lord Dyson: By all means, don't repress yourself. (He sucks the Elder's repression and becomes visible.) To be whole again. Paige: Who the hell are you? Elder #1: I've had it with you and your stupid ideas. (Lightning shoots out of his hand and hits Paige on the shoulder, knocking her down.) Lord Dyson: So much repression to feed on. (Lady Godiva walks in.) Lady Godiva: You. Lord Dyson: My lady. (He creates an energy ball.) Paige: Watch out! (Lord Dyson throws the energy ball at Lady Godiva but it fizzles out before it reaches her.) Lord Dyson: No matter. I'll just collect more power and then I'll be back. (He shimmers out.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Living room. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Lady Godiva are there. Piper is dabbing Paige's wound.] Paige: It's okay, it's just a graze. Phoebe: I still can't believe an Elder attacked you. Paige: I know, they're supposed to be pacifists, right? Piper: Have you seen Leo lately? Speaking of which. Leo! Paige: He's a little mad at me and I can't say I blame him. I did kind of mess things up. Phoebe: Well, that doesn't explain why he tried to kill you. Lady Godiva: Pardon me. Paige: I think the demon did something to the Elder, got him to free up his repressed anger somehow. Phoebe: Oh, probably wasn't breast fed as a child. Piper: Phoebe. Phoebe: What? Paige: Well, either way, we wouldn't even be in this situation, this demon wouldn't even be here if I hadn't have had the great stroke of genius to try to save school. Phoebe: So why do you think he tried to kill her? Lady Godiva: If I could just... Paige: Maybe he knew what I didn't know. Which is that since they came together, they have to leave together. Phoebe: Yeah, but why wouldn't he want to go back? Lady Godiva: If you would just listen to me. (She removes the robe she was wearing. Piper, Phoebe and Paige look away.) Phoebe: Oh! Piper: Wow! Lady Godiva: Which is apparently still the only way I can get anybody to listen to me. Piper: Woman, keep your clothes on, this is a family show. Really. (Lady Godiva covers herself up with the robe.) Lady Godiva: I know that man, or demon as you call him. It's Lord Dyson. Paige: The land baron? Lady Godiva: Except in my time he was different. Smaller, weaker. Piper: Okay, so how did he get stronger? (The doorbell rings. Lady Godiva looks around.) Paige: It's okay, doorbell, newfangled contraption. (Phoebe looks through the window.) Phoebe: Oh my god, oh my god, it's Leslie. Piper: Don't answer it. Phoebe: What if it's about my letter? Piper: Forget the stupid letter. Phoebe: Oh, what, can everyone have a cause but me? Piper: Yes. Upstairs, upstairs. (Phoebe goes to the front door and opens it.) Phoebe: Leslie, hey, what a surprise. Leslie: I brought you a peace offering. (He hands her a purple feather pen. He sees Piper, Paige and Lady Godiva race up the stairs.) Phoebe: Those are my sisters. Leslie: I thought you just had two. Phoebe: Yeah, the other one is a cousin, distant cousin... twice removed. Come in, come in. (Les walks in and they stand in the foyer.) So you drove all the way over here just to give me this lovely pen? Les: Well, it's your pen, isn't it? Phoebe: You know this is not my pen. Les: You're right. I bought that from a street vendor on my way over. Just looking for an excuse. You have a nice place. The paper pays you better than I thought. Phoebe: So what are you really doing here? Les: I thought you might like a chance to apologise. Phoebe: Oh? For what? Les: For trying to slip that breast feeding letter past me. Phoebe: What? Les: Look, I know you wrote it. I recognise your handwriting, Phoebe. I've studied all your work. Phoebe: You have? Les: Yeah, how else am I gonna get away with ghost writing a column for you. Phoebe: Yeah, see that's the problem. I actually don't think you're getting away with it. Les: Because I'm a man. Phoebe: No, because you pick letters a man would pick. Les: Ask Phoebe wouldn't pick a breast feeding letter. Phoebe: Oh, no? Les: No. Because it's a cause and she doesn't do causes. Phoebe: I know what kind of letters I pick. Les: Oh, yeah? Then why are you taking a sabbatical? Look, I'm sorry, it's just, the only reason I took this gig is because I'm a huge fan of yours. I mean of your column. I just want to do the best job I can, but see the thing is I can't really do that with you looking over my shoulder all the time. Alright? Phoebe: Alright. Les: Alright. [Cut to the attic. Piper is looking through a history book and Paige is looking through the Book of Shadows.] Lady Godiva: Would it be cheating too much if I peeked ahead to see what becomes of me? Piper: Well, seeing as you're probably not going to remember any of this, I don't see why not. Paige: Closest thing I can find is a demon who feeds off anger but you already got him. (She slams the book shut.) Ow. Remember when Leo used to come when you call him? Piper: Mm-hm. Says here your Lord Dyson mysteriously disappeared the day you rode through town. Paige: Well, I doubt that's just a coincidence. Lady Godiva: And the tax was repealed, which means I accomplished my goal. Piper: No offence, lady, but you drop your trousers, liberation for all and suddenly your demon vanishes off the face of the earth for all of eternity. Isn't that a little far fetched? Paige: No. Not if the demon feeds off of repressions. Maybe that's how he gains his strength. Piper: Well, then that would make the reverse true as well. Your ride starved him into oblivion. (Leo orbs in with the kids.) Please tell me you weren't vanquishing demons with the children. Leo: Chris was fussy. It calmed him. Piper: Oh. Really. Leo: Is that Lady... Piper: Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little healing, a little healing. (Leo walks over to Paige.) And then we need you to find out what they know about some sort of repressor demon. Leo: You want me to go up there? Piper: Don't worry, I'll get the Elfin nanny to watch the kids. Leo: That's not what I was worried about. Paige: Uh, hello? Heal, ouch, hurt. Focus. (He heals her shoulder.) Piper: I think it wouldn't hurt to have a little chat with the Elders to see what they think about the demon. Leo: What if they know about... Piper: I think if they knew, we would know by now. Lady Godiva: Are they talking about Lord Dyson? Paige: No, they're talking about something that Leo did that they don't want me to know about. Piper: Just go. (Leo orbs out.) Let's find out what we can about this repressor demon before it starts to feed off our repressions. Shall we? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Street. Lord Dyson is walking down the street.] Lord Dyson: So, this is the land of the free, hey? (He sees a man and a woman arguing.) Oh, infuriating, isn't it? Well, don't hold back. Let it out. (He holds out his hand a pulls the repression out of the woman. She punches the man in the face.) Such a plethora of repression, it's hard to choose. Who's next? Who's next? I love this century! (A police car speeds around the corner. Lord Dyson throws an energy ball at it and it blows up.) More. I need more. Who's still out there holding it in. [Scene: Top of Golden Gate Bridge. Leo is waiting there. A female Elder orbs in.] Female Elder: Sorry to have kept you waiting. Leo: Why'd we have to meet here? Why couldn't we meet up there? Female Elder: You didn't here? An Elder's gone missing, Leo. Perhaps killed. We can't be too careful. Leo: You think I did it? Female Elder: You killed Gideon. Leo: He tried to kill my son. I was protecting my family. Female Elder: We understand. But this is different. The Elder was Zola, Leo. And we understand that he was trying to reach out to you when he disappeared. We are your family, Leo, you are one of us. Leo: I don't know that I am anymore. Everything's changed. Female Elder: Just because of what Gideon did? Leo, good is not perfect, sometimes it messes up. But that doesn't mean it isn't still good, and we are. Leo: Are we? Female Elder: Listen to me, Leo. We have sensed a great and new threat gathering, one which will take everything we've got to fight. And we need you for that. We're gonna need everyone. Leo: You know what I need? I need information on a demon that feeds on repression. Can you help me out or not? Female Elder: I'll see what I can do. Think about what I've said. (She orbs out. The ghostly creature floats past Leo.) Ghostly Creature: You can't trust her. You can't trust any of them anymore. Leo: Why are you doing this to me? Who are you? [Scene: Magic School. Piper and Paige are there.] Paige: I can't believe how empty this place is without students. Piper: Yeah, well, I'm hoping you'll find a way to save it after all this. Especially for your nephew's sake. Paige: Thanks, no pressure. (They walk into a room where Phoebe and Lady Godiva are. Phoebe is lighting candles and Lady Godiva is sitting on her horse.] Piper: Ready to summon? Phoebe: Yep. All ready to go. Paige: I still think we should wait for Leo and find out what he knows about the demon. Piper: No, it doesn't matter. After we send him back, history will take care of them. (to Lady Godiva) As long as you finish your ride. Lady Godiva: Promise. And thank you, for giving me a glimpse of what's to come. Phoebe: Thank you, for showing us you're more than a box of chocolates. Lady Godiva: I'm sorry? Piper: Never mind. Okay, here we go. "We look to find the evil set free, bring this demon before us three." (Lord Dyson appears.) Hi, there. (Piper tries to blow him up.) Phoebe: Uh, why didn't he explode? Piper: Chanting, chanting. Paige: Uh, okay, okay, okay. "From lands afar in time and space, take them now from this our place, two that dwell so must remain, send them back to their domain." (Lady Godiva and Lord Dyson disappear.) It worked. (The candles blow out and lights go off, leaving the room pitch black.) Uh-oh, that's not good. (Piper lights a candle.) Piper: Well, at least they're gone. Phoebe: Great. Will you guys drop me off at the office on your orb home? Paige: I thought you weren't looking over Leslie's shoulders anymore. Phoebe: Well, I'm not. But first I have to get him to pick my letter. Piper: Orbing. (They orb out.) [Cut to The Bay Mirror. Hallway. The girls orb in.] Phoebe: Okay, thanks. Meet you guys at home. (Phoebe opens the door and sees the women dressed in long black clothes with kerchiefs over their hair.) Looks like everyone took Elise's sexual harassment memo literally. (Les walks out of the office wearing a suit.) Les: Phoebe? What are you doing here? What are you wearing? Who's watching our children? Why aren't you at home with them? Phoebe: Excuse me? Piper: Come on. (Piper and Paige pull Phoebe back into the hallway.) Phoebe: Okay, what the hell is going on? (Piper sees a large poster on the wall with Leslie's picture on it. It reads "Ask Leslie - He'll tell you how to handle your women".) Piper: I think I know. Paige: Oh, I told you we should've waited for Leo. Piper: Shut up. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Street. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are walking down it.] Phoebe: It's not so bad if you like grey. Piper: I don't understand how everything changed so much. Paige: Well, we sent the demon back stronger than when he came. Strong enough to kill Lady Godiva. Phoebe: Still, it's hard to believe her ride affected just everything. Look at this. Piper: Apparently it had an impact on us women because it sent us back like a thousand years or so. Phoebe: We have to fix this. Piper: Oh, no. I left Wyatt and Chris with the Elfin nanny before... Phoebe: That's okay. They're boys. They're probably being treated like royalty right now. Hey, why didn't we change? Paige: Probably because we were at Magic School and protected? (People near by stare at the girls.) Okay, guys, uh, I think we're attracting a little too much attention out here. What say we orb back to the Book of Shadows. Phoebe: No, I don't want to go back home. Piper: Why? Phoebe: Did you hear what Leslie said? Paige: Well, we can't stay out here, we're attracting too much attention. Piper: Yeah, and we wouldn't want to be flogged. (They look up at a sign that reads "Women who talk in public will be flogged".) So much for your breast feeding campaign. Phoebe: Cute. (A man on a horse rides over to them.) Man: Hey. [Time lapse. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are locked in a jail cell.] Guard: Every peep out of you adds an extra flogging to your sentence. (He walks away.) Phoebe: What is flogging, exactly? Paige: I don't know. But how about we orb out of here so we don't have to find out. Piper: Where are we gonna go? We still have to fix this somehow. Guard: That's two extra floggings each! Piper: Okay. Look, we need to figure out something 'cause I need to feed someone, soon. Paige: What if Lady Godiva's still alive? Phoebe: Oh, Paige, I know you're upset, we all are. But we can't bring her back to life. Paige: No, no, no. Why can't we conjure her? That way she'd still be alive and her ride would still be ahead of her. Piper: I don't know how that's gonna get us back to our world. Paige: Maybe it will if she can finish her ride. Phoebe: We'd have to vanquish the demon first this time. Paige: We can do that. We just have to get out of here. Piper: (whispers) Leo. Phoebe: Oh. What if he's different in this world too? Piper: That's a mighty fine question. Leo! (Leo orbs in wearing a suit.) Leo: What are you guys doing here? What are you wearing? Piper: Uh, look, we're kind of in a hurry, so cliff notes version. Demon killed Lady Godiva which changed history, we gotta fix it, so are you with me or what? Leo: Lady Godiva? Phoebe: Yeah, she probably doesn't mean much to you, but apparently she means a lot to us. Paige: Duncan. We're gonna need Duncan to conjure her. Leo, can you take me to Magic School? Leo: Magic School? Magic School's been shut for years. Everyone's in hiding here, even demons. No one dare uses magic. Phoebe: Talk about repressed. Paige: Okay, but magic still exists, which means this kid Duncan has to be somewhere, right? [Cut to an alley. A dozen kids or so are there playing games and making potions using their magic. Paige and Leo orb in.] Leo: They've got no place else to go. We keep them here for their own safety. (Paige sees Duncan standing in a corner by himself.) Paige: Okay, go back to Phoebe and Piper, help them find the history book, we're gonna need it. Don't ask, it'll just give you a headache. (Leo orbs out. Paige walks over to Duncan.) Duncan? Duncan: Nobody by that name here. Paige: Uh, yeah, well, I don't have time to play games. Duncan: Yeah, neither do I, so if you're thinking of jackin' my stash, don't. (She takes a plastic bag from him.) Paige: Murdock root? This is your stash? (Duncan grabs Paige and pushes her against a fence.) Duncan: Lady, I'm warning you. Back off, understand? (Paige orbs out and orbs back in behind him.) You one of them freedom fighters? Paige: I don't know about that, but I would like to free you from this life you've got going here. I just need the conjuring spell. Duncan: Are you trying to get me hanged? Just because these guys are getting away with some piss-ass magic, doesn't mean we're not being watched. Paige: Look, I come from a world where good magic isn't wasted. And it can be that way again, I just need your conjuring spell. Duncan: You are one of the do-gooders always spewing that crap. Paige: No, this is crap, okay? Because I know you had dreams and I know you have hopes and you're just suppressing them. Duncan: But you think I'm scared of my dreams, don't you? No, because I'm not. Paige: You have a choice. You can either step up and be a man or you can crawl back into your little rat hole. It's up to you. [Scene: Magic School. Piper, Phoebe and Leo are there. Piper and Phoebe are looking through the history book while Leo lights candles around the room.] Phoebe: No Joan of Arc, no Catherine the Great, none of them are in here. Piper: Keep looking. Phoebe: It's pretty amazing this world is so much more repressed, and yet Leo seems freer. Piper: Yeah, I almost forgot what he was like. (Paige orbs in.) Paige: Okay, I got the spell. Did you find Godiva? Phoebe: Yep, right here. But talk about your fine print. Paige: Doesn't matter, as long as she's in there. Leo: So wait, I don't understand. If you return her back to just before she was killed, history will reverse itself? Paige: I warned you about the headache thing, right? Okay, so as soon as we get them here, you blast Dyson, then we send her back right away. Phoebe: I thought we had to send them back together? Paige: I'm hoping no. Not if Dyson doesn't exist anymore. Piper: But first we gotta make sure we're okay. There's no buried resentments that a hungry demon could feed off of? Phoebe? Phoebe: No, I'm fine. As long as Leslie's not in the room, I'm fine. You? Piper: No, I'm good. I pretty much tell you guys when I'm pissed off. Phoebe: That's a good point. Paige? Paige: Sometimes I feel repressed being the little sister. Piper: What, you want to be the oldest sister? Come on now, get over it. Paige: Okay, I'm over it. "Where royals once lived, so did she, bring forth the naked lady, from the eleventh century." (The illustration in the book glows and Lady Godiva and Lord Dyson appear in the room. The whole room glows as the world returns to normal.) That's more like it. (Paige rushes over to Lady Godiva and hands her a robe.) Lady Godiva: Paige. I thought you were sending me back? Paige: Change of plans. Lord Dyson: Perhaps I need a little more power. (He tries to suck the repression out of Phoebe and Paige but nothing happens.) Phoebe: Nice try. (He succeeds in sucking repression out of Piper.) Paige: Piper? Lord Dyson: So much bottled up anger. Piper; (to Leo) You know what? Enough with your moping. The Elders screwed you? What about me? Phoebe: Piper, what are you doing? Piper: I am not going to raise two little boys all on my own because you're too busy feeling sorry for yourself. Alright? So get over it. Seriously. Lord Dyson: Now, where was I? (He throws an energy ball towards Lady Godiva.) Paige: Energy ball. (The energy ball reflects back to Lord Dyson hitting him in the chest. He stumbles backwards.) Ooh, that's not good. (Piper blows up Leo over and over and he continues to orb back in.) Leo: Piper, enough. Stop. Phoebe: Okay, you get Piper, I'll get him. (Phoebe kicks Lord Dyson in the chest. Paige goes over to Piper and grabs her arm.) Paige: Piper, snap out of it. It's the demon doing this to you, not Leo. (Lord Dyson creates an energy ball.) Piper: No! (She goes to blow him up but he shimmers out.) Phoebe: Piper. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Piper, Phoebe and Paige walk into the conservatory where Leo and Lady Godiva are.] Piper: How am I supposed to know I'm so repressed? Paige: You couldn't tell? Piper: I'm a working single mother of two kids. I barely have time to brush my teeth, let alone self reflection. Phoebe: Well, maybe you should make time. Leo: Nothing that needed healing. She's just a little shaken up. Phoebe: I bet she is. Paige: Well, guys, we'd better come up with a plan because Lord Dyson is out there getting stronger as we speak. Thanks to Piper. Piper: Alright. Paige: Look, all we're saying is that when he comes back... Phoebe: And he will. Paige: He might be too strong to stop. Especially if he taps into Leo's repressed rage. Lady Godiva: I'm not going to be able to finish my ride, am I? (Lord Dyson shimmers in.) Lord Dyson: No, you're not. (Leo pulls Lady Godiva out of the way as Lord Dyson throws an energy ball towards them. Piper tries to blow him up. He stumbles backwards.) Piper: Orb her out of here. Paige: No, she won't stand a chance. He'll feed off Leo. (Lord Dyson throws another energy ball and Piper blows it up in mid-air.) Piper: Just get her out of here. We'll think of something. (Paige orbs out with Lady Godiva. Piper and Phoebe run up the stairs.) Phoebe: We'll think of something? That's the best you can do? (Leo runs up the stairs after them. Lord Dyson throws an energy ball and it hits the stairs railing. Leo stops and shoots lightning bolts at Lord Dyson, but misses. He runs up the stairs.) [Cut to the hallway.] Piper: I'm officially open to other ideas. Phoebe: Okay, maybe we should let him get to Leo. Maybe a little overdose. Piper: Or become unstoppable. Phoebe: He already is that. (Leo joins them.) Leo: Okay, I am orbing you guys out of here. Piper: No, actually, you're gonna let him feed on you. See ya. Phoebe: Good luck, man. Leo: What? (Piper and Phoebe hide in a room. Lord Dyson walks into the hallway.) Lord Dyson: Let's see what you've been hiding from me. Oh, there's so much. So ready to come out. Let it out, let it all out. (He sucks Leo's repression.) Leo: You demons have it so easy. No morality to worry about, no attachments, no one to lose. Piper: (from bedroom) Yeah, you tell him, Leo. Leo: When you kill, you feel nothing! (Lord Dyson can't handle the repression. He yells and explodes, destroying the furniture around him. Piper and Phoebe come out of the room.) Piper: How you doing? Feels good to get rid of all that stuff, huh? (Paige and Lady Godiva walk into the hallway.) Paige: You did it. You vanquished him. Phoebe: Thanks to Leo. Lady Godiva: Finally, I'm free! (She drops the robe she was wearing to the floor.) Piper: Yes, you are. (Piper turns Leo's head.) [Scene: Magic School. Paige, Lady Godiva and Duncan are there. Lady Godiva is sitting on her horse waiting to go back.] Duncan: Me? Why don't you send her back. I don't want to use magic anymore. Paige: You can't stop using your magic anymore than you can stop breathing, Duncan. Duncan: Well, I don't want to be that way anymore. Paige: You don't have a choice. None of us do. Look, you messed up. Big deal. That's what you're here for, to learn, to gain control over your powers. You have to show that you can fix this for all our sakes. Duncan: What if they're watching? (He looks up.) Paige: I hope they're watching. You can do this. (He turns to Lady Godiva.) Duncan: So, uh, you ready to go back? Lady Godiva: I can't wait. (She takes off the robe and Duncan stares.) Paige: Duncan, the spell? Duncan: Oh, right. Right. "A time for everything and everything in place, return what's been moved through time and space." (Lady Godiva glows and returns to the history book.) Paige: I knew you could do it. (Elder #1 orbs in.) I got this one. Elder #1: You can't help yourself, can you Paige? You just can't leave well enough alone. Paige: If well enough alone means shutting down Magic School, then no, no I can't. If you don't give these amazing kids a place to go and express themselves, then you are going to be crushing their spirits and relegating them to hiding in caves and alley ways and abusing magic because they have nowhere else to turn. Elder #1: I think you've made your point. Paige: So... Elder #1: So we won't shut it down. Paige: What? Elder #1: As long as you can prove that you can keep running it. Paige: Me? Oh, no, no, no, not, no. I'll find someone. (He orbs out.) Duncan: You can do this. [Scene: Outside Cafe. Piper meets up with Paige.] Piper: Hey. This better be good. I was just in the middle of putting Wyatt down for a nap. Paige: Yeah, it looks like our Lady Godiva has quite an impact on our Phoebe's cause. (Piper looks to see Phoebe riding a horse naked down the street towards the cafe. Everyone stops and stares. The manager comes out of the cafe.) Phoebe: This man is still living in the eleventh century. He wants women to be barefoot and pregnant and stay at home. He thinks we should be ashamed of breast feeding, the most natural thing in the world. Well, shame on him. I'm not ashamed and neither should you be. (The people cheer.) And it's a shame that women have to take off their clothes to be heard. We shouldn't have to be exploited like this. Right? Everyone: Right! (The waiter takes down the "Management has the right to refuse service to anyone" sign.) Waiter: There. Are you satisfied now? (Everyone cheers.) [Cut to The Bay Mirror. Phoebe/Les's office. Les is looking out the window watching the whole thing. He sits down and picks up Phoebe's letter. He reads it and starts typing on his computer.]

Plan: A: Paige; Q: Who becomes the new headmistress of Magic School? A: Magic School; Q: What does Paige save? A: a bored student; Q: Who accidentally conjured Lady Godiva? A: a demonic land baron; Q: What was Lord Dyson? A: Godiva's ride; Q: What event starved Lord Dyson of repressed emotions? A: starvation; Q: What did Lord Dyson die of in the past? A: power; Q: What does Dyson gain by being in the present? A: history; Q: What would have changed if Dyson had not been sent back? A: Leo; Q: Who does Dyson feed off of? A: his mind; Q: What does Leo think he is losing? A: two; Q: How many times did Paige send Lady Godiva back? A: Leo's repressed anger; Q: What do the Charmed Ones use to vanquish Dyson? A: the Elders; Q: Who does Paige prove to that Magic School should stay open? Summary: Paige almost loses her fight to save Magic School when a bored student accidentally conjures Lady Godiva and Lord Dyson, a demonic land baron who feeds off repressed emotions. In the past, due to Godiva's ride, he was starved of repressed feelings and died of starvation, but bringing him to the present allows him to gain power. Paige has to send them back, or it would change the history as it is known. A new power starts to contact Leo, who believes he is losing his mind. They manage to send the two back, but change history as being in the present made Dyson powerful enough to kill Lady Godiva before her ride and change history. The Charmed Ones manage to summon the two again and try to vanquish Dyson, figuring if he is vanquished Godiva can be sent back alone. Finally, they succeed by having him feed off of Leo's repressed anger which overloads him and vanquishes him. Paige has the student that first summoned Godiva send her back and is able to prove to the Elders that they should keep Magic School open. In turn, they make her the new Headmistress.

"The Wannabe in the Weeds" [SCENE_BREAK] TEASER (Open: outside of the CHECKER BOX, a karaoke bar. People are entering. Someone inside the bar is singing "Corner of the Sky" from the musical Pippin) Voice: "Gotta find my corner..." (Cut to: inside the bar. It is crowded. We can now see KEVIN singing on stage with someone playing the piano) KEVIN: (con'd) "...of the sky!" (Cut to: crowd applauding the performance. We see JERRY LINCOLN stand up from a table to the side of the bar, and begin to walk towards the stage. We also see a shot of MITCH sitting in the back of the bar, with a pad and pen - clearly a talent scout. KEVIN walks offstage as LINCOLN approaches) LINCOLN: Thanks Kevin. Another great performance! But Open Mic Night is just beginning. So let's hear it for the beautiful - and persistent - Emma Von Helberg! (Crowd claps with some amusement. We see a shot of TOMMY SOUR, looking amused) (Piano begins playing "Slave 4 U" by Britney Spears. EMMA, standing on stage, badly mimics the style of Spears in her rendition of the song) EMMA: (singing badly) "Get it, get it, get it, get it, ohhhhh! I'm a slaaave for you. I cannot hold it, I cannot control it, I'm a...slaaave for you." (We are spared the rest of EMMA's performance as the camera flashes through a series of performers of varying skill and quality) SPRINGSTEEN WANNABE: "But I'll return so don't you worry..." ("Hearts of Stone") DOLLY PARTON WANNABE: "Working 9 to 5, what a way to make a livin'...barely, gettin' by, it's all takin' and no givin'!" ("9 to 5") LOUNGE-LIZARD WANNABE: "If we could talk to the animals, kooky, learn their languages. Maybe take an animal degree!" ("Talk to the Animals" by Leslie Bricusse) (The singing montage stops on TOMMY, now up on stage, performing a rendition of "Far Away" by Nickelback. He is significantly more skilled than the performers that we have seen thus far) TOMMY: "This time, this place, misused, mistakes..." (The camera cuts briefly to CHRIS CALABASA sitting in the audience, looking disgruntled. He appears jealous of TOMMY's skill) TOMMY: (con'd) "...too long, too late, who was I to make you wait?" (We see MITCH, the talent scout again, this time taking notes) TOMMY: (con'd) "...just one chance, just one breath, just in case there's just one left."Cause you know, you know, you know! That I love you..." (The camera cuts to HELEN, sitting in the front row. She giggles, and turns away, flattered and embarrassed that TOMMY seems to be singing to her. DAX, who is sitting beside her, is obviously not as pleased as she is) TOMMY: (con'd) "...I loved you all along. And I miss you. Been far away for far too long..." (We see a shot of LINCOLN. He nods, impressed) TOMMY: (con'd) "...I keep dreaming, you'll be with me and you'll never go! Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore!" (The song ends, and the crowd cheers, obviously impressed by the skilled performer. LINCOLN stands and approaches the stage) LINCOLN: Okay up next another Checker Box regular - the smooth and smoky voice of Chris Calabasa! (CHRIS stands and approaches the stage. He passes TOMMY on the way by) CHRIS: (angrily) Could have left that song in the shower. TOMMY: Couldn't listen to you butcher it again. (TOMMY shoulders CHRIS out of the way, and walks to his seat. CHRIS moves up to the stage, to crowd murmurs. Someone calls out, "All right Chris!") CHRIS: (to PIANO PLAYER) b*st*rd took my tune. Play Piano Man. PIANO PLAYER: (condescendingly) That's original. (The piano starts up ("Piano Man" by Billy Joel). The camera pans the audience. TOMMY smiles at CHRIS's choice of song - it's probably not going to impress anyone. CHRIS seems to know it too) CHRIS: "It's nine o'clock on a Saturday...the regular crowd shuffles in..." (In the audience, TOMMY and MITCH exchange a glance. MITCH puts the cap on his pen - no need to take notes for this song - and gives TOMMY a gesture indicating "Good job". TOMMY grins proudly) CHRIS: "...there's an old man sitting next to me, making love to his tonic and gin..." (HELEN from earlier rolls her eyes at DAX, and goes to depart. She passes by TOMMY's table and they smile at each other. She leans over and whispers something in his ear before leaving) CHRIS: "...sing us a song you're the piano man. Sing us a song tonight. Well we're all in the mood for a melody..." (TOMMY looks anxiously down at his watch. The camera fades from the image of the bar to a new location. Same watch, but now surrounded by sticks and leaves, and on an arm that is clearly dead. A flashlight crosses it) BRENNAN: Every bone appears to be broken. (The camera slowly rises, showing farm land. BRENNAN, CAM and BOOTH are standing on a rural road, looking over the body with flashlights. BOOTH sneezes) CAM: Bless you. BOOTH: Ugh. Thank you. BRENNAN: Pelvic fragment suggests it's a male... (BOOTH sneezes again. CAM looks at him) CAM: Are you okay? BOOTH: Thank you, fine. Just... BRENNAN: Particles from the cut grass are causing his mast cells to release inflammatory mediators. BOOTH: It's just allergies Bones. BRENNAN: I know. That's what I said. CAM: (looking at the body) Given the degree of decomp he's been dead a couple of weeks. BOOTH: Body dump? CAM: Lividity's indeterminate. BOOTH: Oh. (Sneezes again) BRENNAN: How does a former sniper have a grass allergy? I mean, wouldn't a sneeze give away your position? BOOTH: Bones, okay, I worked in the desert. Sand, no grass. (A man approaches from his mower. He is clearly the one who found the body) DRIVER: It was the crunching that got my attention. BOOTH: Well, did you see the body before it crunched? DRIVER: It's not my fault! You know, Johnson grass is eight feet high and dense. It's like driving in the dark! BOOTH: Wow, you must have been driving fast. DRIVER: ...Well, I had an internet date. I wanted to get home to shower. (Realizes) She's probably still waiting for me at the Falafel place. (BOOTH sneezes again) DRIVER: You know, Johnson grass lets off a ton of pollen man. Your eyes could swell up. If your throat closes- BOOTH: Allergies. Okay? I'm fine. BRENNAN: (to DRIVER) You didn't by any chance see a head, did you? (DRIVER bites hip lip, looks around uncomfortably) BOOTH: The head's missing? BRENNAN: I don't see it, or any skull fragments. DRIVER: (sheepishly) Sorry. CAM: Well, I've got some brain matter here, so he had to have a head at some point. (BRENNAN moves towards the truck, shines her flashlight under the grill. A skull stares back at her.) BRENNAN: Found it! DRIVER: (chuckling) My date's not gonna believe this. BRENNAN: The blade must have severed just below the C5 vertebra. And the force of the impact propelled the head into the grill. BOOTH: So, presumably, he was killed, decapitated, and mulched. (Exhales) Wow. Could it get any worse for this guy? (Ironically, the right eyeball falls out of its socket, still connected to the skull. Small ants can be seen crawling over the surrounding tissue) ACT 1 (Open: Medico-Legal-Lab - Cam's Office. ZACK, CAM and ANGELA are examining the body) ZACK: The bones are dense with a high degree of robusticity. CAM: Well that's consistent with his musculature. The guy was built! (Pause) He was probably an athlete. I bet he was hot. ANGELA: Yeah, well, now he's really not. CAM: I think he had a cold. ANGELA: Looks like it was a pretty bad one. CAM: I found traces of tea and honey in his stomach and the remains of a throat lozenge. (HODGINS enters) HODGINS: (as he sees the body) Oh wow. (He holds up an evidence bag) Victim's watch. Totally cool. Measures heart rate, calories burned, speed, distance- CAM: Jock! I rest my case. ANGELA: It's bad enough going to the gym without getting yelled at by a watch. ZACK: My regimen is easily completed in my apartment. Treadmill for thirty minutes, a hundred sit ups, push ups, and leg lifts, and twenty minutes of free weights. (CAM is surprised, but tries to hide it) ZACK: (to CAM) I'm deceptively strong. CAM: (nods) I'm deceived! ANGELA: Hey, odontology got a match. (Camera cuts briefly to computer, where an image of TOMMY appears) ANGELA: Tommy Sour. He was reported missing two weeks ago. (Cut to: Tommy Sour and Adam Matthew's shared apartment. BOOTH and BRENNAN are knocking on one of two doors. BOOTH is growing impatient) BOOTH: (listening at the door) I hear someone in there. BRENNAN: (eagerly) Hey! Break down the door! BOOTH: It hurts my shoulder when I break down the door. (Sounds of an alarm clock going off in the other apartment. BOOTH knocks again) BOOTH: What is that annoying noise? (He goes towards the other door) (BRENNAN turns the knob on the first door and pushes it open) BOOTH: (stopping her) You don't just walk in and- MATTHEWS: (as he approaches the now open door) Sorry, I had my earplugs in. Can I help you with something? BOOTH: (flashing his badge) FBI Special Agent Seeley Booth, this here is Dr. Temperance Brennan from the Jeffersonian. You reported Tommy Sour missing? MATTHEWS: Yeah, couple weeks ago. He lives in the unit next door. BOOTH: Can we come in? (Cut to: inside of apartment. There are many paintings and sculptures strewn around the room. BRENNAN is admiring them) MATTHEWS: Excuse the mess, I've got a show in a month. BRENNAN: (nodding to a painting) You're influenced by the New York Expressionists? (Sounds of alarm clock going off next door) MATTHEWS: Oh, don't even look at that. That is crap. (Listening) There it goes again! I can't focus. That alarm has been beeping every two minutes since Tommy went missing. BOOTH: Yeah, you know what? That is annoying. MATTHEWS: Yeah, that's why I've got the earplugs. When the cops first showed up, I asked them to unplug it. They didn't. Maybe you guys could! BOOTH: Mr. Matthews, Tommy Sour is dead. MATTHEWS: ...Oh god. BOOTH: Before he went missing, was there anything unusual about his behaviour? MATTHEWS: Well, I didn't know him all that well. BRENNAN: You reported him missing. MATTHEWS: Yeah well his mail started piling up on his front door and then that damn alarm clock keeps driving me crazy. BRENNAN: (gesturing to another piece of art) This sculpture is very impressive. MATTHEWS: Yeah, it's from my "pre-alarm-clock" period. BOOTH: What about strangers, any new faces around here? MATTHEWS: Oh wait, uh, yeah. Fat Pam? BRENNAN: Excuse me? MATTHEWS: Fat Pam? She was one of Tommy's clients. BOOTH: I thought you didn't know him that well. MATTHEWS: Well, he was my neighbour. We took the garbage out, we saw each other, we talk a little bit, you know what it's like. Anyway, Tommy was Fat Pam's trainer at... Valera Wellness. BRENNAN: Must you call her 'Fat Pam'? MATTHEWS: That's what he called her! Hey, it's not like Tommy was the nicest guy who ever lived. She wasn't really all that fat either. BRENNAN: You mean overweight. Fat is a deposit found underneath the skin. It consists of lipids- MATTHEWS: Okay. Sure. Uh, Pam just wasn't one of those fitness robots that Tommy would spend his time with. She started following Tommy home, from the gym. She'd sit out on the curb and watch his place. And then, about a month ago, she showed up, middle of the night... started banging on his door. BOOTH: Oh, was she angry? MATTHEWS: ...She was wearing a teddy and heels, so I'm thinking anger wasn't her prime emotion. BRENNAN: (triumphantly) You're implying that she was sexually stimulated. (MATTHEWS awkwardly confirms BRENNAN's statement) BOOTH: So were they um... (claps his hands a bit) you know... did they (continues clapping, growing more insistent). BRENNAN: Did they have sexual intercourse? MATTHEWS: Well, if they did, it was through a locked door. BRENNAN: So, no? BOOTH: (claps again) Very good Bones, okay let's go. BRENNAN: Why are you clapping? BOOTH: Because I am. (To Matthews) Thank you for your help. MATTHEWS: (as they leave) Hey, uh, maybe you could turn the alarm off? Or just, shoot it?! (Cut to: Medico-Legal-Lab - Zack's office. ZACK and CAM are determining cause of death. ZACK is examining a small bone) ZACK: C5, adjacent to the hyoid, seems to be shaved on its front. CAM: Shaved? ZACK: Yes, like with a cheese slicer. CAM: Must mean someone slit his throat. ZACK: This doesn't look like it was caused by a knife. There are no serrations. Even microscopic. CAM: What then? ZACK: ...A cheese slicer seems illogical under the circumstances. I'll start looking for alternatives. (Cut to: Valera Wellness Gym. We see several people working on various exercise equipment. BOOTH and BRENNAN walk through the gym looking for the manager) BOOTH: Look, these people are just trying to get healthy Bones. That's all. BRENNAN: There is a fine line between 'health' and 'vanity'. (BOOTH's attention is caught by an attractive woman working out on one of the machines. He is distracted.) BOOTH: ...Huh? BRENNAN: Well, this obsession with physical perfection clouds a society's moral vision. (She notices BOOTH's distraction, and swats him teasingly) You are ogling that woman! BOOTH: What? No, I'm not, I'm just- BRENNAN: Yes you are! BOOTH: I, I, I'm just... um, admiring her routine. (DR. JASON BERGMAN - the manager - approaches, cutting off the argument) DR. JASON: I am the Wellness Centre's manager, Dr. Jason. I understand you're with the FBI. BOOTH: I'm Special Agent Seeley Booth, this here's Dr. Temperance Brennan. We're here about Thomas Sour. DR. JASON: He in trouble? BOOTH: He's dead. DR. JASON: That explains why he's not returning my calls. BOOTH: You don't seem too upset about that. DR. JASON: Tommy was my most popular trainer. Since he disappeared, I've had to deal with a lot of angry clients. You're with the FBI, that mean Tommy was murdered? BOOTH: You wouldn't happen to know a woman, a client of his, Pam? (no reaction from Dr. Jason) Some people refer to her as 'Fat Pam'? DR. JASON: (recognition) I know who you mean. Pam Nunan. She booked two hour sessions. Paid cash. Perfect client. Until... BRENNAN: Until? DR. JASON: Until she fell in love with Tommy. Started to freak him out. BRENNAN: How so? DR. JASON: She was too handsy. She'd rub up against him. Even invited him on a Caribbean cruise. BOOTH: Would you happen to have Ms. Nunan's address? DR. JASON: Sure. (DR. JASON walks away - presumably in the direction of his office. As he goes, BOOTH sees the same woman, now stretching after her workout. He becomes distracted again. BRENNAN notices, and swats him again) BRENNAN: Booth! BOOTH: Yeah? BRENNAN: That's not helping the investigation. (BOOTH shrugs) (Cut to: FBI - Booth's office. BRENNAN and BOOTH are meeting with PAM NUNAN. She has brought with her a photo album, full of images of TOMMY) PAM: He's such a cutie, isn't he? Tommy is such a wonderful person. Big heart, and so devoted. BRENNAN: You brought a photo album? PAM: You said you wanted to talk about Tommy. I figured you'd like to see pictures. BOOTH: Those pictures are... (he holds out his hands for the album. PAM passes it to him) They are taken from quite a distance, Pam. PAM: He's so shy. It's one of the things I love about him. BRENNAN: We understand that Tommy was your personal trainer? PAM: Oh, he was so much more than that. Before I met Tommy, I was so down on myself. But Tommy... he's such a sweetheart. BRENNAN: Does Tommy share your affection? PAM: Why do you ask it like that? (to BOOTH) Because I don't look like a scarecrow? Like her? BRENNAN: Hey! What - what are you coming after me for? (to BOOTH) D-do I look like a scarecrow? BOOTH: Well, you... (to PAM) I think you look good. (BRENNAN is put out) PAM: Thank you. Like Tommy, you see me for who I really am. Not... scrawny. (PAM glares pointedly at BRENNAN) BRENNAN: What - I am not scrawny. My body mass index is well within the normal limits- BOOTH: Can we talk about Tommy please? PAM: If he didn't love me, why would he want to marry me? BOOTH: Marry you? He was going to marry you? PAM: Tommy's my life. And I'm his. Whatever you think he's done, I know he didn't do it. BRENNAN: We're not worried about what he did. It's what you might have done. (PAM looks between BRENNAN and BOOTH in confusion) BOOTH: Tommy is dead. ACT 2 (Cut to: FBI - Interrogation Room. BRENNAN and SWEETS are standing outside the room, observing PAM through the glass. She is eating a snack inside the interrogation room.) SWEETS: She has body image issues, which are not congruent with her actual appearance. She's someone who's slightly large, who believes she's a very large woman, who can convince people she's only slightly large. And the way people treat her convinces her that she's right. BRENNAN: That's interesting. SWEETS: See, you're only pretending that's interesting. It means very little to you. BRENNAN: That's true. SWEETS: You have an irrational prejudice against psychology, probably because of emotions that are too complicated for you to deal with. And I poke, and I prod at them (he pokes BRENNAN. She pulls away in annoyance) which makes them real. And painful. BRENNAN: And yet I feel no pain. Just a sort of... disinterest. So why don't you take you powers of observation... (she gestures towards PAM) and focus them on her. (SWEETS and BRENNAN exchange a look) SWEETS: All right. (He looks at PAM) She's sorting her trail mix. BRENNAN: That means something? SWEETS: She's nervous. She's trying to control a situation that's out of her control. BRENNAN: Or she's just bored. She's been waiting almost an hour. (Cut to: BOOTH enters the interrogation room. PAM looks up) BOOTH: Sorry to have kept you waiting. PAM: I didn't kill Tommy. I loved him. (BOOTH approaches the desk, and looks down at PAM's snack, half sorted into neat little piles) BOOTH: What's this? PAM: I got bored. (Cut briefly to: BRENNAN shooting SWEETS a triumphant look, and him looking away resignedly) PAM: I've been waiting here over an hour. BOOTH: I believe that you loved Tommy. PAM: Thank you Agent Booth. I did. BOOTH: But I don't believe that he loved you back. PAM: ...Because I'm not anorexic? BOOTH: Ms. Nunan... PAM: Call me Pam. BOOTH: Pam. You were stalking him. And he was avoiding you. PAM: If he didn't love me, why would he give me this for Christmas? (She pulls up her sleeve and shows BOOTH a bracelet on her wrist. She holds up a few of the charms) P-A-M. You know what that spells? BOOTH: Pam. PAM: That's right. BOOTH: What did you, um, give him, before he gave you that bracelet? (Cut to: SWEETS and BRENNAN observing) SWEETS: Ahh. Excellent question. (BRENNAN looks at him in annoyance) PAM: Why does that matter? BOOTH: Just curious. (Cut to: PAM and BOOTH in the interrogation room) PAM: A one thousand dollar gift certificate to The Music Centre. He loved music. BOOTH: A thousand dollars. Wow. That's generous. (Cut to: SWEETS and BRENNAN observing) SWEETS: A way to obligate him. Try and enforce an emotional connection. It's extremely passive-aggressive. BRENNAN: So do you think she killed him? SWEETS: Well, there's no question that she's deluded. I mean, if she truly believed that he was going to marry her, she was setting herself up for a tragic ending. BRENNAN: Tragic? SWEETS: Well, one way to ensure that he didn't leave her... BRENNAN: Would be to kill him. (SWEETS confirms BRENNAN's assumption) (Cut to: BOOTH and PAM in the interrogation room) PAM: Tommy had a beautiful voice. He dreamed of being a professional singer and I wanted to support him. I did everything for him. He was mine. Tommy was mine, no matter what anyone thought. When did you find him? BOOTH: Last night. He had been dead for two weeks. PAM: I've been in Florida. Left last month. Just got back two days ago. I was with Mommy and Daddy planning the wedding. (Cut briefly to: SWEETS and BRENNAN's nervous reactions) BOOTH: The wedding with Tommy. PAM: Of course silly. (BOOTH nervously pulls a pad of paper and pen out of his jacket pocket) BOOTH: I'm just going to need you to write down your parents' number in Florida so I can confirm your whereabouts. (PAM writes down the number, and passes BOOTH the pad. BOOTH takes it, and stands up to leave) BOOTH: Thanks. PAM: (tearing up) Who's going to love me now? BOOTH: I'm sorry. (BOOTH slowly reaches out a hand to PAM, placing it carefully on her shoulder) (Cut to: SWEETS and BRENNAN observing) SWEET: No no no don't touch her- BRENNAN: Why? (Cut to: PAM, smiling in an entirely disconcerting way in the direction of the mirror as BOOTH removes his hand from her shoulder) PAM: Thank you Agent Booth. (Cut to: SWEETS and BRENNAN observing. SWEETS gestures in PAM's direction, indicating that whatever he was trying to prevent from happening has happened) (Cut to: FBI - Booth's office. BOOTH is sitting behind his desk speaking to someone on the phone. BRENNAN and SWEETS enter] SWEETS: The pathology is clear. She's possessive and amoral. (BOOTH makes a sound and gesture to indicate that SWEETS should not speak so loudly) SWEETS: (quieter) Her emotional connections are forged through manipulation and delusion. Once a connection that tenuous breaks- BRENNAN: So she killed Tommy Sour? SWEETS: I can't say that, of course, but she is a dangerous person. BOOTH: (still on phone) Thank you. (He hangs up) Well, her story checks out. She was in Florida when he was killed. Her parents are devastated that their future son-in-law - who they never met - will no longer be her love-monkey. BRENNAN: Well, Dr. Sweets still thinks that she's the killer. SWEETS: Dangerous. I think she's dangerous. BOOTH: I agree. SWEETS: Thank you Agent Booth. (BOOTH stands up from his desk and begins to walk around it towards SWEETS) BOOTH: All those gifts, and taking pictures from a distance, and showing up in the middle of the night in a nighty, it's all very "dangerous". SWEETS: (clueing in) Mocking will not change my opinion. I've been mocked many many times before... (BOOTH and BRENNAN exchange a glance) SWEETS: That... came out wrong. (BOOTH begins to push SWEETS towards the door) BOOTH: Yeah, that's great Sweets, appreciate your help, but you know what? She has an alibi. See ya. (SWEETS reaches out to stop the door before it closes behind him) SWEETS: Well, just be cautious of her. Okay? She's not stable. BOOTH: Great, thank you. (BOOTH tries to push the door closed - SWEETS stops it again) SWEETS: Oh, and remember. Our session on Tuesday's at 4? Trust exercises? Be there? (He departs) BOOTH: Ha-ha. See ya. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Cam's office. CAM is dumping some questionable substances into a container. BRENNAN walks in) BRENNAN: I got your page. CAM: Vic's tox report just came back. There were trace amounts of THC in his bloodstream. (CAM walks from behind the desk, over to a large view screen) BRENNAN: ...That's why you paged me? Because our victim smoked marijuana? CAM: No. Check out the monitor. BRENNAN: His blood was infected with a bacterium. CAM: E. coli. And given the concentration in his blood, I'd say the infection occurred within hours of his death. BRENNAN: Well what was the source? CAM: I'm getting there. The CDC tracks all E. coli outbreaks. And apparently the last E. coli ground zero was in Virginia at the Checker Box restaurant in Alexandria. The culprit? Tainted raw honey. The same kind I found in Tommy Sour's stomach. (Cut to: Checker Box restaurant. KEVIN from the first night is singing again - the same song: "Corner of the Sky" from the musical Pippin) KEVIN: "So many men seem destined to settle for something small..." (Cut to: BOOTH, sitting in the audience, clearly suffering. BRENNAN enters from a door behind him and begins walking towards his table) KEVIN: (con'd) "...But I won't rest until I know I'll have it all!" BOOTH: (over KEVIN's singing, as BRENNAN approaches) Finally. I mean, one more show tune and I was going to start shooting. BRENNAN: (about KEVIN) He has excellent projection. I heard him while I was parking. BOOTH: Yeah, okay, I talked to some of the patrons here. Open Mic Night is every Monday and Tuesday. (Cut to: HELEN and DAX, sitting in the front row again. They turn around in their seats and signal BOOTH to be quiet.) (Cut back to: BOOTH, chuckling) BOOTH: Actually, some of these people think that this stuff is good. BRENNAN: What's Open Mic Night? BOOTH: It's, uh, you know, Cabaret meets Karaoke. Oh, singers, that want to get discovered. (Cut to: HELEN) HELEN: Will you please be quiet? (Cut back to: BRENNAN and BOOTH) BRENNAN: Based on the E. coli in Tommy's blood, he definitely was here shortly before he was killed. BOOTH: Pammy said he was musical. (Cut briefly to: KEVIN, who is still on stage singing) KEVIN: (con'd) "...find my cornerrrrr!" BRENNAN: This guy is not bad! BOOTH: You're kidding me. BRENNAN: No, I love his enthusiasm. (Cut to: DAX, still annoyed) DAX: Dude, do I need to get the manager? BOOTH: Dude, actually, you know what? That would be great. Why don't you... (he pulls his badge out of his pocket) point him out to us? (DAX glares briefly, and then points.) (Cut to: LINCOLN sitting at his usual table, looking uncomfortable) (KEVIN finishes his song. The crowd applauds appreciatively, including BRENNAN. BOOTH remains annoyed) (Cut to: LINCOLN, onstage) LINCOLN: Up next, the smooth and smoky, Chris Calabasa! (Cut to: CHRIS, who comes up from behind BRENNAN and BOOTH moving towards the stage. The piano begins playing "Far Away" by Nickelback. BOOTH leans over in his seat to get LINCOLN's attention) BOOTH: Excuse me. (LINCOLN walks over, looking uncomfortable) BOOTH: (showing his badge) Agent Booth, FBI- LINCOLN: Oh come on. I told you guys everything I know. I bought the raw honey from a company out of Maryland, I gave the CDC guy the Bill of Sale and the remaining honey. What else you want from me? BRENNAN: No, we're not here about the E. coli. We need to speak with you about Tommy Sour. BOOTH: We believe he was murdered. LINCOLN: Murdered? BRENNAN: Were you friends? LINCOLN: Well he, he was good for business. Talented. Showed up at every Open Mic Night since day one. When I didn't see him around I figured he got a... paying gig, you know? BOOTH: Anything unusual about his final performance? LINCOLN: No, everybody loved him, like always. BOOTH: Everybody thinks they're the next Kelly Clarkson. (BRENNAN, who has been watching CHRIS, turns back to the conversation at this comment) LINCOLN: Yeah, you got that right. BRENNAN: Who's Kelly Clarkson? BOOTH: American Idol..."Because of You"... BRENNAN: Because of me? BOOTH: Never mind. Just... stay here, okay? Not up there (he gestures to the stage before turning back to LINCOLN). So, did he have any enemies? LINCOLN: Yeah. You're listening to him right now. (Cut briefly to: CHRIS onstage, singing) LINCOLN: (con'd) There was a talent scout here that night. Tommy stole his song. Chris had to default to "Piano Man". BOOTH: Oooh. That hurts. LINCOLN: When Chris finished singing, he pulled Tommy aside and they started shoving each other. I told them to take it outside. They disappeared into the parking lot. BOOTH: Then what? LINCOLN: I don't know. I never saw Tommy again. (CHRIS finishes his song to audience applause.) (Cut to: BOOTH and BRENNAN in the audience, listening to the LOUNGE-LIZARD WANNABE and talking to CHRIS) CHRIS: Tommy Sour was a jerk. He'd fill the joint with his Fitness groupies, who'd hoot and holler even when he sang off-key, and then they'd talk through the other acts. You know what that does to a singer's self-esteem? BRENNAN: I would imagine it would be quite disheartening, given your need for acclaim. (CHRIS is taken off guard. He doesn't understand what BRENNAN is saying) BOOTH: Bones... BRENNAN: What? It's a primal human need. The foundation for royalty... BOOTH: Okay, you know what? You're just going to confuse him. (to CHRIS) Go on. CHRIS: Tommy thought he was going to make it big. He showed me a cheque he wrote to himself for a million bucks - said he'd be cashing it by Christmas. BOOTH: Well, was he any good? CHRIS: (laughs) Last week, he had some dude videotape his set. It's up on his MySpace, you can check it out for yourself. (BRENNAN is watching the LOUNGE-LIZARD WANNABE's act. She smiles) BRENNAN: This guy is good! Ha-ha. BOOTH: Ha-ha. Thank you Paula. Can you just focus here? (to CHRIS) So the night Tommy was killed, the two of you got into an argument over a song? CHRIS: Not just "a" song - MY song. Far Away by Nickelback. Tommy knew that I was saving that for Scout Night. BOOTH: Did it make you a little angry? CHRIS: I didn't kill the guy. We went outside, I vented, and he took off. BOOTH: That was it. You just said, 'Goodbye, see you later'? CHRIS: I came back inside. I wanted to introduce myself to the Talent Scout. (He gestures over to the side of the room) He's back again, you can ask him yourself. (Cut briefly to: MITCH from earlier, writing in his notebook) BOOTH: Hey, I think I will. (BOOTH gets up from the table) BOOTH: (to BRENNAN) Stay here. (BOOTH walks over across the room to MITCH's table. He looks up, and covers his book at BOOTH's approach) BOOTH: (referring to the man onstage) Ha-ha, this guy a star, or what? MITCH: You his agent? BOOTH: No, I'm just a fan, you know, fan of the music. (Cut briefly to: LINCOLN, sitting over at his usual table, eying BOOTH warily) BOOTH: (in a whisper to MITCH) So, what label are you with? MITCH: I'm an independent. BOOTH: Ohhh! You know, me and my roommate, we had a band in college. Weren't half bad. I mean, all the A&R guys, they'd sit in the front there. What are you doing all the way in the back? (Cut briefly to: LINCOLN, standing from his table and making his way over to where BOOTH and MITCH are) MITCH: What's it to you? BOOTH: Hey, what're you drinking? (MITCH turns to look at his drink. BOOTH snatches his notepad away from him) MITCH: Excuse me! Hey! (BOOTH flips through the notebook. There is nothing but doodles inside) BOOTH: Whoo. What the hell is this, doodles? (LINCOLN approaches) LINCOLN: Everything okay here? BOOTH: What'dya say we step outside there? Come on. (Cut to: outside the Checker Box. BOOTH and BRENNAN are questioning LINCOLN and MITCH) BOOTH: I want to know why you're impersonating a talent scout. MITCH: I don't know what you're talking about. BOOTH: Answer the question, or I'll arrest you right now for fraud. (MITCH shoots a panicked glance to LINCOLN) MITCH: ...But I didn't... BOOTH: Wait a second, I get it. You two are working together. You knew that if there was a talent scout in the audience, more singers would show up at Open Mic Night, sell more booze, make more money... LINCOLN: I just started the rumour. I asked Mitch to wear a suit, take some notes... MITCH: I didn't do anything wrong. It was just a job. BOOTH: Just a job, right. Give Tommy the idea that he was going to get his own contract... MITCH: I didn't hurt anybody. BRENNAN: You lied to them. You exploited their need for attention. That's cruel! MITCH: (to LINCOLN) I'm not going down for your crap. BOOTH: I get it. Tommy figures it all out, there's an argument, it escalates. (to LINCOLN) He confronts you. LINCOLN: No! No, I swear it. Tommy knew nothing about Mitch - no one did. BOOTH: You pull this scam again and I swear I'll arrest both of you for conspiracy, fraud and misrepresentation, you got me? MITCH: Yes. (BOOTH leans in menacingly) Sir! (LINCOLN gulps) BOOTH: (to BRENNAN) Come on. (They turn to leave, BOOTH stops and turns back) And don't even think about leaving town, because both of you are under investigation for murder. (BOOTH and BRENNAN walk away) BRENNAN: They are? BOOTH: No, I just don't like them. (Cut to: PAM sitting in a BMW outside the Checker Box, with a camera. She holds it up) (Cut to: PAM's view through the camera lens. She is taking pictures of BOOTH) [SCENE_BREAK] ACT 3 [Open: Medico Legal Lab - Zack's office. HODGINS enters] HODGINS: How's it coming Zack? ZACK: I'm still looking. The shaving was wafer thin and conformed to the curvature - HODGINS: I need the bones, man. ZACK: (confused) as do I Hodgins. HODGINS: I need to swab the ligature furrows for elemental analysis... ZACK: Did you know that I sang too? HODGINS: ...What? ZACK: As a child. HODGINS: You? ZACK: My parents felt that singing lessons would help integrate me socially. HODGINS: Really. ZACK: Yes. I was quite good. I received acclaim and a new stature amongst the parents of my peers. HODGINS: What about your actual peers? ZACK: My mother said they were jealous, and not to worry about it. HODGINS: Jealous... of your singing. (ZACK nods, HODGINS laughs) Yeah, I'm trying Zack, but I just, I can't see it. ZACK: (bursts into a rendition of "Love is a Many Splendored Thing" by Frank Sinatra) "Love is a many splendored thing! It's the April rose that only grows in the early spring..." (cut briefly to: the hall outside Zack's office. Passersby have stopped outside the door to hear who is singing so nicely. ANGELA and CAM are among them, beginning to come inside the room) ZACK: (con'd) "...when your fingers touched my silent heart and taught it how to sing! Yes true love's, a many splendored thing!" (cut to: the crowd outside, all cheering and clapping wildly. ANGELA makes faux wolf whistling noises) (cut to: ZACK, looking modest) ANGELA: Wow. That was great! That was great! ZACK: Thank you. I should get back to work now. HODGINS: Listen Pavarotti, I need the C5 vertebra, the hyoid and the temporal bone. ZACK: We need a weapon! HODGINS: And by IDing the particulates in the wounds, I can give you more to go on. (They exchange a look - ZACK seems to concede, and HODGINS takes the bones) HODGINS: Thanks for the concert. (HODGINS exits, drawing ZACK's attention back to the door) ZACK: Is there something you need? (cut to: door, where HODGINS is exiting, and ANGELA and CAM are still standing, stunned) CAM: No! ANGELA: Oh, no, I'm just doing my... my... CAM: Thanks... (They exit. On her way out, ANGELA looks at ZACK, mouths 'wow' and gives him two thumbs up) (Cut to: The Royal Diner. BOOTH AND BRENNAN are sitting at the bar) BOOTH: I get it when a college kid wants to be a rock star, but half of those singers were over 30! Do they really think they're going to be famous? BRENNAN: The need to stand out from the crowd is innate. BOOTH: (scoffs) It's obnoxious! BRENNAN: You were the best sniper when you were in the army! BOOTH: I was just doing my job, okay? Well. BRENNAN: And that set you apart from the others. BOOTH: Bones, we're talking about singing some nightmarish Broadway songs. BRENNAN: Booth, It doesn't matter. Whoever is best has the status and power... and becomes the superior mate. BOOTH: Yeah, well I tell you that some of those people are not going to be mating, that's for sure. BRENNAN: But they will have the power and prestige. You enjoy it because you are a superb agent. BOOTH: You think? BRENNAN: Yes, of course. Since I am the best in my field, it would be self destructive for me to work with someone who's beneath me. BOOTH: Oh. Okay. Well that's good. 'Cause, um, you know, I have to be honest here. Sometimes I think that you think you're better than me. BRENNAN: Well, objectively, I am more intelligent... BOOTH: There you go... BRENNAN: In certain areas, and in others... I understand my limitations, and I... admire your expertise. BOOTH: Huh. You admire me? BRENNAN: ...In certain areas of expertise. BOOTH: Well, I admire your expertise. You have a whole... science thing. BRENNAN: Thank you. I'm an author, too. BOOTH: I know BRENNAN: Best selling, and that also gives me elevated status. BOOTH: Here comes the ego BRENNAN: No, I'm not saying that society is correct to elevate me. I'm not saying that I deserve the elevation... I'm just saying... that it occurs. Society should elevate scholars and teachers not actors and athletes. (BOOTH's cell phone rings) BOOTH: Yeah, what about cops? BRENNAN: They're very important. (BOOTH answers his phone) BOOTH: Yeah, it's Agent Booth (cut to: PAM NUNAN, sitting in her car) PAM: It's Pam. Pam Nunan. (cut back to BOOTH) BOOTH: How can I help you, Miss Nunan? (the camera proceeds to cut back and forth between PAM and BOOTH, depending on who is speaking) PAM: Are you available to meet? BOOTH: I'm sorry, uh... how did you get my number? PAM: Your office patched me through. I said I was your mother. BOOTH: (stunned, then recovers) Yeah, Dr. Brennan and I can meet with you. PAM: No. Just you. BOOTH: Well if it's relevant to the case, Ms. Nunan, I think it would be important that Dr. Brennan- PAM: I can be at your office in a half hour, but you have to meet me alone. BOOTH: I... I'm sorry, is this about Tommy? (the camera cuts to an image of the outside of the Royal Diner. We can see the top of a car at the bottom of the screen. The camera moves lower and lower, until we see that it is PAM, sitting in her car, watching BOOTH and BRENNAN, sitting inside the restaurant) PAM: What else would it be about Agent Booth? (cut back to: BOOTH) BOOTH: ...Okay. A half hour. (He hangs up the phone) BRENNAN: What'd she want? BOOTH: She wants to see me. Without you. BRENNAN: Did she say why? BOOTH: Probably because you make her feel uncomfortable. BRENNAN: How so? BOOTH: Well because... You're you. You're a well adjusted woman. BRENNAN: And a bestselling author. I was on the New York Times list for 18 weeks and I won the Ed.... (They exchange a look. BRENNAN sees BOOTH's point) (cut to: FBI - Booth's office. BOOTH and PAM are entering) BOOTH: Right this way PAM: I really appreciate you seeing me BOOTH: Well, it's my job. PAM: That's precious, it's your job BOOTH: You said you had information about the- PAM: Hockey fan! (she gestures to one of his posters) I have that same print at my office. And it's Pam. I have season tickets to the Capitals, we should go sometime. BOOTH: ...Ms. Nunan, about the case... PAM: Seeley, please. Pam. I need to ask you something. BOOTH: Okay, well usually I ask the questions- PAM: Are you dating Dr. Brennan? BOOTH: No! She's my partner. PAM: I see. (cut briefly to: image of PARKER on BOOTH's desk) PAM: Your nephew? BOOTH: It's my son. PAM: You're married? BOOTH: I'm not. Listen, I'm, I'm kind of busy here Ms. Nunan PAM: I brought you something. (PAM brings out a small wrapped bag from her purse and hands it to BOOTH, who begins to unwrap it. He pulls out a pair of green socks) BOOTH: Okay... PAM: I know you've got a thing for socks. BOOTH: How did you, uh... PAM: I noticed them last time. On the outside, you're this big tough FBI guy... but really you're just like me. Unpredictable. Like Tommy was. BOOTH: ...Please... PAM: I know. We shouldn't talk about our old flames. Especially when we're just getting to know each other. BOOTH: Ms Nunan, (he puts the socks down on his desk) you said you had information about Tommy Sour's murder. PAM: Really? I have faith you'll find out who killed him. And Tommy wouldn't want me to grieve forever. (her eyes wander) Look at all these commendations... You're really great at your job, aren't you? (she bends down t pick up the socks, and hand them to Booth, moving closer) It's one of the reasons I'm drawn to you. BOOTH: (backing off) Ma'am, this is way inappropriate. PAM: (laughing) Ma'am! That is so cute! I can't wait to tell my mom you just said that. Well. Bye for now. (She exits. BOOTH stares after her warily) (cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Brennan's office. BRENNAN and SWEETS are watching a video of TOMMY SOUR on a computer. TOMMY's MySpace page is visible on the screen behind the video. He is singing "The Biggest Part of Me" by Ambrosia) TOMMY (on screen): "Sunrise! There's a new sun rising..." (cut to: BOOTH entering BRENNAN's office) BOOTH: What are you watching? BRENNAN: Oh, Dr. Sweets found Tommy Sour's MySpace video. BOOTH: He's got an okay voice. But he's trying a bit hard, don't you think? S: Yeah, there are two types of performers. Presentational singers crave attention, it's ego- driven. The representational singer wants the audience to feel. It's about invoking a cathartic experience. BOOTH: He's showing off SWEETS: Presentational. Easy on the eyes, easy to forget. One hit wonder at best. Like Chumbawamba. BRENNAN: Chumba-whata? (BOOTH and SWEETS exchange a look) SWEETS: Tubthumping? Oh come on, are you serious? It's a great song! It's anthemic! BRENNAN: So this is all simple psychology to you? SWEETS: People's actions are motivated by their need. When we discover our needs, we discover who we are. So yes. BRENNAN: No, society makes us who we are, not psychology. Society shapes our actions. Culture compels us, not some toilet training mishap. (BOOTH pulls SWEETS's chair to one side and places a chair in the middle of them, which he sits in) BOOTH: Okay, look, I'm just going to break you two up, you're giving me a headache. If you keep this fighting up, no one's getting dessert. SWEETS: Aw, we're not fighting. It's just a collegial debate, right? BRENNAN: (surprised, and undecided) Right. (to BOOTH) How'd it go with Pam? (BOOTH isn't sure how to answer) SWEETS: Wait, you saw her again? BOOTH: What's the big deal Sweets? She just gave me a pair of socks! (BRENNAN laughs) BOOTH: What? It's not funny. SWEETS: It's not funny. BRENNAN: Why did I laugh? SWEETS: Pam Nunan controls your emotional agenda through seeming vulnerability followed by generosity. It's classic manipulation. BOOTH: Then I'll just mail the socks back. (BRENNAN points to the computer) BRENNAN: Look! Tommy was about to release a CD. (cut to: close up of a line at bottom of video reading "DEBUT CD; "I CAN'T DO BETTER THAN YOU", COMING SOON!") BOOTH: "I Can't Do Better Than You"? BRENNAN: Wonder if Pam thought that was meant for her. SWEETS: Yeah, she probably saw secret messages in all of his songs. BRENNAN: Until I was thirteen, I wanted to be the next Cindy Lauper. BOOTH: I'd say you're kidding, but I don't think you know how to kid. BRENNAN: The other girls and I referred to her as 'rad'. (Cut to: SWEETS, hiding a small smile) BRENNAN: My mother said that I sang just as well. BOOTH: Well as Cindy Lauper? BRENNAN: Yes. SWEETS: Mother's do that. It's healthy. BRENNAN: No, this wasn't just flattery. My mother told me that I sang 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' better than she did. (BOOTH laughs) SWEETS: It was an expression of affection, Dr. Brennan. Not an objective evaluation of your abilities. BRENNAN: Well, I think you're wrong. BOOTH: Okay then. Go ahead. Belt it out. BRENNAN: No! SWEETS: Yeah! Come on, give us a few bars. BRENNAN: Absolutely not! BOOTH: Yeah, come on! BRENNAN: I can't just burst into song! I have to have music, and... an appropriate atmosphere... of frivolity. B: Diva! Forensic genius, bestselling author, better than Cindy Lauper... (Cut to: SWEETS notices the screen. TOMMY is singing to HELEN again) SWEETS: Wait, look. Freeze the video. (BRENNAN does. SWEETS points to DAX) SWEETS: Look at him. BRENNAN: Tommy is singing to the woman next to him. The one who shushed us. SWEETS: His corrugator muscles are furrowed... his lips are tight... (BOOTH, unsure of what this means, is attempting to use SWEETS analysis as direction to imitate the face DAX is making and understand) SWEETS: ...teeth clenched... his mentalis is crinkled... (SWEETS notices BOOTH's attempt at imitating the face. He begins to backtrack, explaining again) SWEETS: The corrugator muscles are... BRENNAN: We know. BOOTH: I don't know. I don't know that. SWEETS: He appears to be very angry. Like, 'get out of my way!' angry. BRENNAN: He plays the guitar. BOOTH: Yeah? BRENNAN: (triumphantly) That's how Tommy died. (cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform. BRENNAN, BOOTH, CAM, ANGELA, ZACK and HODGINS are standing in a circle at one end of the platform. BRENNAN is doing a demonstration with a block of cheese. She pulls a piece of wire through it, cutting it almost effortlessly) BRENNAN: The guitar string could definitely be the murder weapon. BOOTH: Because it cut the cheese? (everyone except BRENNAN has a quiet chuckle) BRENNAN: Because the exemplar wound approximates the tool marks on the victim's C5. CAM: Yeah, he knew that. He just wanted to say 'cut the cheese'. (SWEETS chuckles loudly. BOOTH joins him. BRENNAN rolls her eyes) BRENNAN: Okay Hodgins, you are the guitar player. (HODGINS moves into place) BRENNAN: Zack, you are Tommy. (ZACK appears to have anticipated this and has already begun to move into place) SWEETS: Re-enactment. Fascinating. ZACK: Not for me. I'm always the one that gets killed. HODGINS: Dude, you're the singer. Singer was the vic here. (ZACK accepts this, turns around) BRENNAN: Tommy was strangled from behind with a wire, or guitar string... (HODGINS demonstrates on ZACK) BOOTH: Guitar string was pulled tight... CAM: Slicing his throat and trachea... ANGELA: Of course! CAM: As he lost consciousness, he fell forward... (ZACK demonstrates) BRENNAN: Fracturing his chin... BOOTH: Wait a second, he was a big guy, but according to your scenario, he was passive. CAM: Nothing in the data suggests that he fought back. BOOTH: Wait a second, Tommy was, he was high, he was toasted. That could have dulled his reflexes. BRENNAN: This also explains the shaving of the vertebra. A guitar string would slice a wafer thin sliver of bone as he dropped to the ground. (SWEETS is astounded. He throws his arms up and lets them drop) SWEETS: Amazing. (Cut to: FBI - Interrogation Room. BOOTH is interrogating DAX) BOOTH: Tommy Sour was strangled, Dax. Possibly with a guitar string. Now I know that, uh, you didn't like him singing to your girl. DAX: The hell are you talking about? My girl's in Texas. BOOTH: Oh. (BOOTH pulls out a screen shot taken from TOMMY's video showing DAX looking angry) That. DAX: That's Helen. We perform together. You know she's married, right? To someone else. BOOTH: Well, why d'you look so angry? DAX: Because Tommy was a son of a bitch. Look, I... I'm feelin' a little paranoid in here. Like I'm being persecuted. BOOTH: Persecuted, really? Maybe because you're... feeling a little guilty? DAX: ...A couple of years ago, I introduced Tommy to my trainer, Jason. Jason runs a Wellness centre. He needed personal trainers and Tommy was a trainer. BOOTH: Jason? As in Jason Bergman? DAX: Yeah! that's right man, you know him? BOOTH: Yeah we've met! DAX: Tommy and Jason wanted to open up a place together. One they owned. So they went out and got a loan. Tommy... stole the money! It was 50 grand man. Tommy used the money to produce his own CD. High end musicians, arrangements, publicity, the works. So that's why I'm harbouring the negative vibes, dude. BOOTH: Yeah, I can only imagine how Jason feels. (cut to: Valera Wellness gym. BOOTH and BRENNAN are walking rapidly down the hall towards DR. JASON's office) BOOTH: So I contacted the bank, Dr. Jason is on the hook for the full amount of the loan. BRENNAN: Which he conveniently forget when we spoke to him before. (They knock repetitively on the office door) BOOTH: All right, Bones... (A TRAINER approaches BOOTH and BRENNAN) TRAINER: If you're looking for Dr. Jason, he didn't come in today. I've been calling him, but his cell isn't on. BRENNAN: Is that unusual? TRAINER: This place is his whole life. You could call him day or night, he'd always answer. (BOOTH pulls out his cell) BOOTH: (To TRAINER) Great, thanks. (into phone) Yeah, hi, it's Agent Booth. I need a BOLO for a Dr. Jason Bergman. Wanted for first degree murder. (cut to: Medico Legal Lab. BRENNAN is in ZACK's office as HODGINS is walking past. BRENNAN moves quickly to follow him) BRENNAN: Oh! Dr. Hodgins! HODGINS: Dr. B, what's up? BRENNAN: Did you swab the C5 vertebra for elemental trace? HODGINS: I swabbed the C5 vertebra, the hyoid and the temporal bone. Analyzing the particulates now. BRENNAN: Well, I'll need your results as soon as possible. HODGINS: Okay. I'm on it. Hey, how'd it go with guitar guy? BRENNAN: Booth doesn't think it's him! No motive! HODGINS: But... the wound... BRENNAN: No, it's definitely a wire or a metal string of some kind but not from him. Booth suspects the manager of the wellness center. HODGINS: So you're using from some wire used it a gym or by a physical therapist. BRENNAN: Yes. Assuming that it was a crime of passion, the killer would have used something handy. (her phone rings, she answers) Brennan. Okay, I'll meet you there. (she hangs up, and says to HODGINS) I need those results. HODGINS: Right away. (BRENNAN leaves) (cut to: FBI - Interrogation Room. BRENNAN and BOOTH are interrogating DR. JASON) DR. JASON: I quit my job, decided to move out of town. So what? BOOTH: Officer pulled you over on the 0-5-0. You've been travelling non-stop since... yesterday morning? DR. JASON: Is that a crime? BRENNAN: Maybe. (DR. JASON looks at her) We know about the small business loan. DR. JASON: Then you also know that I'm the last person in the world that would want Tommy dead. With him out of the picture, I'm responsible for the whole nut. (BRENNAN doesn't understand. She looks to BOOTH for clarification) DR. JASON: 50 grand! (he lowers his head) I couldn't see another way out. BOOTH: So you thought you could hide from the bank. DR. JASON: I'm not married. I've got no coast family. So yeah, I thought I could disappear. Just fall off the grid. You hear about it all the time. BOOTH: I think you were pissed and you just... snapped. Hm? That place, was everything to you. Tommy ruined it for you, so you ruined him. (JASON laughs) DR. JASON: You know what I think, Agent Booth? I think motive, without evidence, is like riding a stationary bike. You get nowhere, fast. BOOTH: (smugly) Like right now? BRENNAN: Dr. Bergman, did you use any wires, or wire like instruments at the gym or in your chiropractic practice? (JASON looks at BOOTH and BRENNAN warily, then makes a decision) DR. JASON: Any further questions will have to go through a lawyer. (The interrogation room door bursts open. HODGINS enters) BOOTH: Yep, well... whoa. BRENNAN: Hodgins. HODGINS: Sorry to barge in. BOOTH: Whoooooa! no! you can't just barge in here! HODGINS: (to BRENNAN) there was elemental evidence on the vertebra! You wanted to know ASAP. BRENNAN: What's the evidence? HODGINS: It's phyllosilicate minerals and aluminum oxides. BRENNAN: Oh. HODGINS: Yeah. BOOTH: What? English! DR. JASON: It's clay. HODGINS: Hey, very good. DR. JASON: I have nothing to do with clay. HODGINS: I know, you're totally going to be cleared. BOOTH: Hey, you can't say that! This is my place! HODGINS: And there was silver conticulates embedded in the deposit. BRENNAN: On his vertebra? HODGINS: Yeah. There's a company called 'clay global' which infuses sculpting clay with silver power. They sell direct via the internet. And, get this - they recently shipped a package of the clay to the other unit of our victim's duplex. ACT 4 (Cut to: Tommy Sour and Adam Matthew's shared apartment. BRENNAN and BOOTH hand ADAM MATTHEWS a warrant. The alarm clock begins going off in the background) MATTHEWS: A warrant? To search my place? BOOTH: Ah. He can read. MATTHEWS: (as BRENNAN searches) I'm the one who reported Tommy missing. Why would I be hiding anything? BOOTH: Because you killed Tommy and then reported him missing to cover your own ass. (MATTHEWS looks over his shoulders. He sees BRENNAN rifling through his things) MATTHEWS: Hey, excuse me? What are you doing? BRENNAN: Oh. Are you asking because you have an interest in forensics, Mr. Matthews? MATTHEWS: What? (BRENNAN holds up a wire) BRENNAN: This clay cutting wire is consistent with the object used to kill Tommy Sour. I'm testing it for blood. MATTHEWS: Just look at it. There's no blood on it. (BRENNAN wipes a swab over the wire) BRENNAN: If the liquid turns blue, it means this wire came in contact with human blood. (She places the swab in a test tube filled with liquid. It turns blue) MATTHEWS: Wait - BOOTH: Adam Matthews, you are under arrest for the murder of Tommy Sour. MATTHEWS: Wait wait wait you don't understand okay? I didn't want to! The noise was- BRENNAN: The noise? MATTHEWS: Yeah, you hear over there? The alarm clock. These walls are so thin and I needed to - to work, to concentrate for my show. And Tommy, he'd just sing at the top of his lungs, day and night, he'd never ever shut up. I begged him to lower his voice, just sing quietly, but he didn't care. BRENNAN: And that gives you the right to strangle him into silence? MATTHEWS: No I... I was just trying to scare him. He was taking his trash to the alley and singing at the top of his lungs, so I went after him! But he's bigger than me, I never thought I could kill him! BOOTH: He was stoned. Couldn't fight back. MATTHEWS: I just... I pulled on the wire, and he fell down. And he was dead. And it was quiet. It was finally quiet. (BOOTH and BRENNAN exchange a look) (Cut to: Checker Box restaurant. BRENNAN enters. ANGELA, CAM, ZACK, HODGINS, BOOTH and SWEETS are already there at various tables, having conversations with each other and the other patrons. BOOTH stands as BRENNAN enters) BRENNAN: What's going on? Why did you call me here, Booth? BOOTH: Your need to sing in front of a live audience, it's innate Bones. BRENNAN: No way... BOOTH: Hey, I've got the music, the frivolity. What else do you need? (The others start clapping and cheering her on) HODGINS: Come on Dr. Brennan, you can do it! We're here for you, we're here for you! (Piano starts playing "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by Cindy Lauper) SWEETS: (pushing her in the direction of the stage) We're very controlled Dr. Brennan, I think it would be a good idea for you to let yourself go. BRENNAN: Really? What about you. SWEETS: Hey, I will be singing 'Lime in Da Coconut' after you. You will be extremely impressed. As was my Abnormal Psychology class in college. This opportunity is a gift from Agent Booth. Trust yourself, trust your friends. Let 'er rip, let's hear it! (Everyone cheers. BRENNAN allows herself to be pushed onto the stage, where she grins bemusedly at the crowd. After a moment's pause, she removes her jacket to wild applause, grabs the microphone and begins to sing) BRENNAN: "Come home, in the morning light, my mother says 'when you gonna live your life right?'..." (Cut to: the entrance to the Checker Box. PAM NUNAN enters.) BRENNAN: (con'd) "Oh mama dear we're not the fortunate ones, and girls they wanna have fun..." (BOOTH playfully pulls out his lighter, swaying it to the music. The others laugh, some doing the same) BRENNAN: (con'd) "Oh girls just wanna have fun!" (Everyone cheers as the instrumental begins and Brennan begins dancing on stage. The camera cuts to Pam again, who is now standing at the bar, looking depressed and nervous) BRENNAN: (con'd) "The phone rings, in the middle of the night my father yells 'what you gonna do with your life?'...Oh daddy dear you know you're still number one, but girls they wanna have fun..." (Camera cuts to the crowd, having a blasts, laughing at BRENNAN's energy and enthusiasm. BOOTH in particular, is practically jumping in his seat.) (Camera cuts to PAM, staring at BOOTH in disgust) PAM: (to BOOTH) Look at me. Not her. BRENNAN: (con'd) "Oh girls just want to have... that's all they really want, ohh-ohhh-ohhha!... (PAM reaches over into her purse and pulls out a gun) PAM: Seeley! (No one hears her over BRENNAN's singing) SEELEY! (BOOTH looks over) PAM: I'm doing this for us. (BRENNAN is still singing, dancing on stage. PAM cocks her gun and aims it directly at BRENNAN. BOOTH draws his weapon, but it's too late to shoot, so he instead leaps from his seat to get in the way of PAM's gun. PAM fires the bullet, piercing his chest. BOOTH stumbles backwards. The music stops, people start screaming. PAM stares, shocked and horrified at what just happened. BOOTH falls backwards, BRENNAN jumps off the stage to his side. PAM is still horrified, but becomes angry when she sees BRENNAN rushing to BOOTH's aid. She aims her gun again. BRENNAN grabs BOOTH's abandoned weapon and fires it at PAM, shooting her in the throat before turning her attention back to BOOTH. The others exchange horrified and confused looks, before settling in and beginning to make decisions) HODGINS: Zack! Call 911! (We see BRENNAN, kneeling over BOOTH, who is blinking up at the ceiling with a dazed expression, clearly not seeing much of anything. She is applying pressure to the wound. BRENNAN is calling out to him, her cries getting more and more desperate) BRENNAN: Booth, you're going to be fine. I'm right here. God. You're gonna do this. You're gonna be fine. You're going to make this. (SWEETS moves to the presumed dead body of PAM, retrieves the gun she fired at BOOTH) BRENNAN: Come on! Come on! Booth! You're gonna make it! COME ON! COME ON! BOOTH COME ON! Come on come on come on. You're gonna make this, come on. Oh god. (CAM and ANGELA stand in a petrified shock. They don't know what to do. They don't know how to handle this.) BRENNAN: You're gonna do this. Come on! COME ON! Come on Booth! It's gonna be fine, come on Booth. (The camera switches angles to what we assume is from BOOTH's vision. It's slowly fading to black on BRENNAN's petrified expression) BRENNAN: Come on Booth no. No, come on Booth... COME ON BOOTH! END.

Plan: A: Tommy Sour; Q: Who is the aspiring singer found dead? A: Ace Young; Q: Who played Tommy Sour? A: the Checker Box Restaurant's Open Mic Night; Q: What event is the investigation leading to? A: Brennan; Q: Who reveals she is more musically inclined than she appears? A: Booth; Q: Who is shot? Summary: When aspiring singer Tommy Sour ( Ace Young ) is found dead, an investigation leads to the Checker Box Restaurant's Open Mic Night. Brennan reveals she is more musically inclined than she appears, and Booth is shot, his fate unknown.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously on Veronica Mars Kendall glides out of Casa Casablancas in a bikini carrying a cocktail in 201 "Normal Is the Watchword." BEAVER: [offscreen] It's my stepmom. Beaver and Veronica walk across the empty lunch area at Neptune High in 203 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang." BEAVER: She's a gold-digger. Duncan comes out of the shower to discover Kendall sitting naked on his bed in 207 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner." BEAVER: [offscreen] And it's obvious to everyone else in the world... In Clemmons office, Veronica holds the etched paddle in 213 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough." VERONICA VOICEOVER: Mrs. Hauser may have seen an ill-conceived cutting board. Veronica copies the paddle. VERONICA VOICEOVER: I saw tagging. I saw code. Veronica interrogates Dick in the lunch area in 218 "I Am God." VERONICA: Tell me about you and Betina. DICK: She had nothing to be scorned about. I even gave her a Shark's memorabilia gift bag. Cut to Veronica's dream of being on the doomed bus and Cervando's drawing on the window. CERVANDO: To get the whole bus, they'd have to be close enough to see exactly where we were. Cervando emphasizes a circle by drawing over it again and again. VERONICA: You think it was Weevil. Aaron is visited in prison by Kendall in 215 "The Quick and the Wed." AARON: You're cash-strapped. I can help. But quid pro quo, Mrs. C. In Duncan's shower, Kendall takes out tweezers and lifts a hair from the drain. AARON: [offscreen] Quid pro quo. Weevil mugs Thumper in 217 "Plan B." THUMPER: [offscreen] It's Weevil, I'm telling you! He set me up! At Shark Field, Thumper, handcuffed to one of the urinals, unsuccessfully appeals to Liam's self-interest before being gagged. THUMPER: I got something on you-- Outside, Logan pushes down the plunger. Explosions follow. In a church, Weevil is in the confessional. WEEVIL: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. End previouslies. INT - LAWYER'S OFFICE - DAY. A glass is being filled with water from a pitcher. LAVOIE: [offscreen] Would you like me to repeat the question, Miss Mars? The camera pulls back to reveal the pourer, Cliff, and the beneficiary, Veronica, who takes a drink from the glass. They are sitting side by side at a large conference table. Law books fills the bookshelf behind them. VERONICA: Could you? They are sitting opposite a smartly dressed lawyer. He speaks slowly and patiently. LAVOIE: You said you saw Mr. Echolls and Miss Kane having s*x on the videotape. VERONICA: That's right. LAVOIE: The actual act of intercourse? A transcriber is taking down the evidence on a stenographic machine. VERONICA: A sheet was covering them, but the motion of their bodies suggested copulation. LAVOIE: It just looked like s*x. VERONICA: And sounded like s*x. LAVOIE: Is this an area you have a particular knowledge in, Miss Mars? CLIFF: [warning tone] Mr. Lavoie-- LAVOIE: Well, she said it looked as though they were having s*x. I need to make sure she knows what s*x looks like. CLIFF: I'm sure Ms. Mars has had the required sexual education course provided by Neptune High School. VERONICA: I got an A minus. Plus, I watch Animal Planet. Lavoie leans forward, lowering his voice but making it harsher at the same time. LAVOIE: Statutory rape is a grave accusation. Veronica is unfazed. VERONICA: Not to a murderer. LAVOIE: I just have one more questions, Miss Mars. He takes a quick glance at Cliff. LAVOIE: Are you still keeping in touch with Duncan...Kane? Veronica just stares at him. INT - MARS RESIDENCE. Veronica puts a plate into the microwave. She punches in the timer and sets it off as Keith enters the apartment. KEITH: Prepare to have your mind blown. Keith, excited, sets his briefcase down on the counter seat. KEITH: Are you ready? VERONICA: Think back eighteen years: small, blonde, baby. Born ready. KEITH: Richard Casablancas was using the life insurance they'd taken out for Dick and Cassidy as a tax shelter. The payout on their policies is over eight figures, and here's the kicker: The beneficiary should both brothers die simultaneously? Kendall Casablancas. VERONICA: The wicked stepmother trying to bump off her rich husband's spawn. That's a Disney movie, isn't it? KEITH: She certainly had motive. It's her capability I'm not sure of. Veronica ignores the ping of the microwave and pours herself some orange juice. VERONICA: I wouldn't underestimate her capabilities. She went from Spandex to cashmere pretty fast. KEITH: I think I'll poke around, see what she was up to the day of the crash. Keith goes to his room as Veronica drinks her juice. INT - NEPTUNE HIGH SCHOOL (NHS), CLASSROOM - DAY. The biology teacher is taking attendance. Outside the classroom, locker searches are in progress. TEACHER: Benita Graham. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Ransom locker searches. A bummer for the unknowing students caught with loot. TEACHER: Mark Grigsby MARK: Yo. Veronica's bag, on the table in front of her, is so stuffed full that she struggles to pull out her notebook. TEACHER: Iris Huezo. IRIS: Here. Veronica gets her notebook and grimaces with the effort of putting the heavy bag on the floor. TEACHER: Veronica Mars. VERONICA: Here. TEACHER: Eli Navarro. Weevil, seemingly asleep at the table behind Veronica, throws up his hand, then rests his head back in her arms. TEACHER: Eli! I think it's time for you to feed Buddy. Cut to a rat in a box. Weevil takes it by the tail. WEEVIL: It's breakfast time. He carries it over to a large, dry aquarium with sand and small pebbles on the bottom. WEEVIL: Come and get it, girl. There are various reactions in the class as a large python responds to Weevil lifting the top of the aquarium. With some relish, Weevil drops the rat into the aquarium. Veronica winces as the rat's squeals are abruptly cut off. Weevil leans over the aquarium, making kissing sounds. WEEVIL: Someone was hungry, huh? VERONICA: Someone is baby-talking a python. WEEVIL: Yeah, we got a special connection, me and Buddy. He taps his chest. WEEVIL: Top of the food chain. VERONICA: Well, on behalf of nature, thank you for doing your part in the circle of life. Weevil stares into the aquarium as he responds. WEEVIL: Hey. I got no problem sacrificing a rat. He has a small smile on his face. Behind him, Veronica's eyes narrow. INT, NHS, HALLWAY - DAY. Reading from one of her notebooks, Veronica slams her locker shut and starts to walk up the hall. She glances to her left. A student is standing in the hall staring at her as others pass by him. Veronica frowns and keeps going. She looks back over her shoulder as she walks towards Mac, who is banging her head slowly against her locker. There's a notice from Principal Clemmons taped to it. Veronica's eyes widen as she slows to join Mac. VERONICA: Mac attack, what's the haps? Mac halts her self-abuse and turns to face Veronica, refusing to appreciate the quip. MAC: I got mugged. By my own principal. They took my cell phone interceptor and apparently plan on keeping it until the end of the year. What happened to end of the day? Why wasn't that working? VERONICA: Everyone still kept bringing in their cell phone interceptors? MAC: Is there any chance you can get it back for me? I borrowed it from my buddy at Radio Shack, because apparently I've become a psycho ex-girlfriend and I wanted to listen to Beaver's cell phone calls. Veronica gives her a long look. MAC: You're judging me. VERONICA: No. I'm judging myself. Why don't I have a cell phone interceptor? MAC: Please, respect the business model, Veronica. I do the gadgets. You do the actual espionage. VERONICA: I'll see what I can do. Veronica nods and goes on her way. INT - NHS, ADMINISTRATION OFFICE - DAY. A car alarm can be heard and a woman races out of the administration office, car keys in hand. VERONICA VOICEOVER: I don't know if waiting for Clemmons to go to lunch qualifies as espionage... Veronica is sitting outside the office, head down as the woman passes her. VERONICA VOICEOVER: ...but setting off his secretary's car alarm, pure Bond. Once the secretary is gone, Veronica grabs her bag and goes into the office, heading straight for Clemmons' door. She takes out her large ring of keys and puts one in the lock. Nothing happens. VERONICA VOICEOVER: He changed his lock? Man, he's gotten paranoid! INT - NHS, CLASSROOM - DAY. Veronica waits as a class lets out. She watches as the students file out one by one. She straightens up when she sees Butters. VERONICA: Hey! Vincent! I was hoping you could do me a favour. He's not pleased to see her. VERONICA: That box of confiscated items in your dad's office? The locker search booty? BUTTERS: Yeah? VERONICA: I was hoping you could help me get something out of it for my friend Mac. He shrugs as they walk up the hall. BUTTERS: What's in it for me? VERONICA: You get to stick it to the Man, and by "the Man," I mean your dad. BUTTERS: I get to do that plenty. I do need a prom date though. VERONICA: I am not going to prom with you, Butters. Veronica halts and he turns to face her, offended. BUTTERS: I wasn't asking. VERONICA: So what? I'm supposed to go out and find you a prom date? BUTTERS: I wanna go with your friend, Mac. Veronica smiles mischievously. VERONICA: I think that can be arranged. Butters smirks. BUTTERS: My dad always has bus circle duty immediately after the last bell of the day. Meet me in his office. Butters moves off and Veronica blesses her luck. INT - CLEMMONS' OFFICE - DAY. Veronica and Mac stand outside the closed door. Veronica taps three times, very slowly. Butters opens the door. BUTTERS: That was your secret knock? VERONICA: The genius is its simplicity. He throws open the door and Veronica and Mac enter. BUTTERS: We have exactly eleven minutes before my dad gets back. He shuts it behind him and points to a box under a desk against the wall. BUTTERS: The box is under there. Veronica pulls out the box and starts to search through it. MAC: Wow, Butters, this is-this is way cool of you. BUTTERS: Just so you know, I'm an excellent dancer. Veronica, who clearly has not told Mac the deal she struck with Butters, looks up sharply from her search. BUTTERS: So don't worry about that. Mac is bemused. MAC: Oh. O-kay. I'll try not to. She gives him a puzzled look, wondering if he is crazy, then looks down at Veronica. BUTTERS: Well, I don't have to dance though. I enjoy it, but I also enjoy a good conversation. Veronica decides that a diversion is in order and holds up a plastic bag. VERONICA: Look! Fake vomit. Courtesy of locker... She checks the tag attached to the bag. VERONICA: ...two-thirteen. She picks up another bag. VERONICA: And whoever is in locker seven-ninety-two is sans one "Smell It Bitch" t-shirt. Mac grins but Butters is on a roll. BUTTERS: So, Mac, what colour dress are you wearing? MAC: I'm actually wearing pants. Butters laughs loudly. Mac is taken aback. BUTTERS: Right. I just don't want the corsage to be, like, blue and the dress is red and you think I'm an idiot. Veronica, who has found something that interests her in the box, sneaks a worried look at Mac, who has finally cottoned on to events. She looks down at Veronica, deceptively calm. MAC: Veronica? Veronica's ready for her, stuffing the bag that interested her under her arms and pulling out the interceptor. VERONICA: Oh, your cell phone interceptor! Mac isn't placated and continues to stare at Veronica with a sick face. Veronica gives a nervous laugh and pushes the box back under the desk. Veronica stands and hands Mac the interceptor. Veronica pulls the bag from under her arm and turns to Butters. VERONICA: Do you mind if I give this Anarchist Cookbook back to Weevil? BUTTERS: You know his locker number? Veronica holds out the tag which is marked #333. VERONICA: Who else would brag about meeting Satan halfway? BUTTERS: Fine. Veronica leaves. Butters turns back to the terse Mac. BUTTERS: I'm thinking white limo, if that's cool. Mac just stares at him. EXT - NHS, CAR PARK - DAY. Weevil slams down the boot on his car. He heads around to the driver's door only to see Veronica leaning back against the bonnet. WEEVIL: Wow. You know, you look exactly like this calendar in my uncle's garage. Now hop your ass off before you scratch my paint. Veronica straightens up and off the car, although her bag is still lying on the bonnet. VERONICA: You seen Thumper lately, Weevil? It's just nobody's heard from him in weeks. He doesn't show up soon, he's gonna miss prom. WEEVIL: Yeah? Well, uh, I'm sure he's crushed. Weevil laughs at his private...ish joke. He takes his key and aims it at the driver's door. VERONICA: So, I found this in Clemmons office. She holds up The Anarchist Cookbook. He pauses then walks towards her. VERONICA: According to the note, it was confiscated from your locker the first week of school. Any particular reason you needed the The Anarchist Cookbook. WEEVIL: Yeah. I tried making the Survivalist Stew. Didn't much care for it. VERONICA: Yeah, on top of the stew, it's also a manual for making bombs in your basement. WEEVIL: Wait a minute. Just so we understand each other, [suddenly aggressive] are you accusing me of blowing up the bus? VERONICA: I'm exploring a theory. You didn't just happen to be at the gas station out on the PCH. You were following us, Weevil. The explosion didn't kill those people. The drop into the ocean did. Who else could've timed it like that? You could've hit send on your cell phone, blown up the bus without me even knowing it. WEEVIL: Except why would I blow up a bus with one of my boys on it, huh? VERONICA: You didn't mean to. You and Cervando meant to take out the limo. You, Mr. I-Sacrifice-Rats, even put a dead one on the bus to force the rich kids into it. WEEVIL: And what? We got the big yellow bus and the long black limo confused? VERONICA: Nope. You put the bomb in Dick's goodie bag. You didn't realise he gave his bag to Betina. WEEVIL: You really think any of those 09ers was worth all that effort to me? VERONICA: Logan was. WEEVIL: He wasn't even there. VERONICA: He was supposed to be. Are you telling me you wouldn't off the guy who killed Felix? Weevil stares at her, darkly. Veronica nods, satisfied that she has read him right. VERONICA: Well, at least you got it right with Thumper. Weevil looks down. Veronica slaps and holds his arm. VERONICA: That makes you top of the food chain again, right Weevil? Veronica stares hard at him and then walks off. He stares after her. Opening credits. EXT - NHS, LUNCH AREA - DAY. Veronica is sitting at a table on her own, eating her lunch. The boy who was staring at her in the hallway stumps up the steps behind her. He approaches her slowly and hesitantly, standing behind her. Veronica senses his presence and speaks without turning around. VERONICA: You've been following me. HARRY: I hear you can find stuff. VERONICA: Sometimes, for a fee. HARRY: I want you to find the owner of a car. Harry finally sits down at the table and faces Veronica. HARRY: My, uh...my dog Apache. Someone ran over him. They swerved right onto the lawn and, uh, they killed him. VERONICA: That really sucks. I'm sorry. Harry breaks down a little, burying his face in his hand. HARRY: I heard tires skid, and I caught a glimpse of the back of the car. Harry collects himself. HARRY: How much would you charge to track it down? VERONICA: Depends. Fifty bucks if it's easy online stuff. If I really have to dive in, it could run you two fifty. HARRY: It there anyway I could pay you with meat? VERONICA: Meat? INT - NHS, JOURNALISM CLASS - DAY. A book lies open, showing pictures of custom cars. HARRY: [offscreen] Best times of my life were with that dog. He loved to go hunting. Loved it. A page is turned in the book to show a Plymouth Barracuda. HARRY: That's it. A hand taps the page. The camera pulls back to show Harry and Veronica poring over the book, sitting at the central table. HARRY: [offscreen] Except it was green. VERONICA: Okay. Green Plymouth Barracuda, 1970 to '73. Good news, Harry. Don't see a lot of 'Cudas except on Nash Bridges reruns. Veronica moves over to one of the computers at the side of the room. VERONICA: Now let's see exactly how many are registered in Neptune. Harry pulls a chair over to sit behind her as Veronica types the make and colour of the car into PryingEyez. The response is "No results found." VERONICA: Exactly none. HARRY: But you'll keep looking. Veronica gazes at him sympathetically. VERONICA: I will. Cut to later. Harry is gone and the Navigator team is in session. The editor, Jack Artman according to the credits, is freaking. JACK: Can no one find Bob Patton? He owes me a ten inch story on the high price of graduation. Veronica, you mind digging up a generic student life photo, any photo? We've got a hole to fill. Jack points to a mock-up of the newspaper on a computer screen. It's for the April 20th edition and taking up the bottom third of page file is a box marked "Pricey Graduation Story Goes Here." Veronica looks over at the screen. VERONICA: How much would it be to buy an ad that size? JACK: Forty bucks. Veronica's eyes light up. INT - NHS, HALLWAY - DAY. Jackie approaches Veronica at her locker. JACKIE: Veronica. I've got a, uh, favour to ask. VERONICA: Who doesn't? Jackie laughs. JACKIE: I was hoping you could put in a good word for me at the Hut. I already dropped off an application. VERONICA: Like, for a job? Jackie nods. Veronica is sceptical. VERONICA: Please, Jackie. Six seventy-five an hour isn't going to keep your dog in sweaters. JACKIE: The Cook family assets have been frozen, the only company at home are repossessors. VERONICA: Okay. I'll see what I can do. Jackie smiles and swings around to walk away and cut to... INT - JAVA THE HUT. ...a waiter who swings around with a tray of used dishes. He places the tray on the counter, where Veronica is at the till. The Cute-as-a-Bug Manager walks in behind her. VERONICA: Oh, hey, um. I know you're looking for another waitress. The manager nods. CUTE-AS-A-BUG MANAGER: Um. VERONICA: Um, someone I know...a friend, dropped off an application. Her name is Jackie. CUTE-AS-A-BUG MANAGER: Got a whole stack of applications. Your friend has no experience. None. She's never held a job. VERONICA: She could really use it. CUTE-AS-A-BUG MANAGER: You'll vouch for her? If she sucks, you'll fire her? Veronica thinks for a moment. VERONICA: Yeah. CUTE-AS-A-BUG MANAGER: She can start tomorrow. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - NIGHT. Veronica enters the dark apartment. Keith is on the settee, his head lying back, holding some papers. VERONICA: There's no way you're working that hard. You heard me coming and turned off South Beach, didn't you? Keith grins before consulting the papers in his hand. KEITH: Can you think of any reason Logan Echolls would have gotten three calls from Kendall on the day of the crash. Veronica slowly drops her bag. VERONICA: Well, let's see. She sits next to him on the couch. VERONICA: I believe the Latin term is coitus sordidus. KEITH: They were sleeping together? Veronica nods. KEITH: That was weeks before Kendall's husband fled the country. VERONICA: Logan may be a little fuzzy on the Commandments. KEITH: Wow. And you knew about this? VERONICA: Not at the time. KEITH: You think you could stomach finding out if Logan happened to be with Kendall at the time of the crash? Veronica doesn't look enthused. EXT - NHS, CAR PARK - DAY. Veronica waits. Logan walks around the Xterra, having just parked and disembarked. He sees her waiting for him. LOGAN: As a rule I like to start every school day with a hot blonde waiting for me in the parking lot. VERONICA: Me too! They walk towards the school together. LOGAN: I'm not blonde. VERONICA: Or hot. LOGAN: Mm. VERONICA: Got a question for you. Remember back when you were doing the deed with Dick's stepmom? LOGAN: Hm, vaguely. I remember she thought I was hot. VERONICA: Were you with her on the day of the crash? You two talked on the phone a few times that day. LOGAN: Man, you're obsessed with my s*x life. Do I need to start carrying around a webcam from now on? Veronica pulls to a stop and warns him. VERONICA: Logan! LOGAN: Day of the crash, day of the crash...uh. I'd really have to consult my Feelings Journal to be sure. VERONICA: Kendall stood to make millions by sending Dick and Beaver over that cliff. There was an insurance policy. LOGAN: Kendall requires a domestic staff to make cereal. You think she could really plot a murder? VERONICA: Were you with her at 7:03? LOGAN: No, actually, she kicked me out before the sheets were dry. But considering her husband's fondness for handguns and the fact that Dick and Beaver could come home at any minute, who could blame her? Anything else? Veronica shakes her head. LOGAN: Oh. I, uh, I got to second base with Tammy Forrester in eighth grade in Duncan's closet. Veronica rolls her eyes and walks past him into the school. Logan continues, addressing her back. LOGAN: And last summer, I made this townie girl moan without even using my hands. Is any of this relevant? Should I make a list? INT - NHS, HALLWAY - CONTINUING. Veronica walks through the metal detector into the hall. GIA: [offscreen] Veronica! Veronica glances to her right. Gia hurries up to her, holding up a copy of the Neptune Navigator. GIA: You placed this ad, right? Gia shows her page five where, in place of the hole for the graduation story is an ad that says: "Have you seen this car? Reward! Please email any information to: vmars@aol.com." There is a picture of a Barracuda illustrating the ad. GIA: This is your email. VERONICA: Yeah. GIA: I've seen this car. This car mooned me. Or at least some guy in the car did. VERONICA: Where, when? GIA: September 13th, 7 pm, Pacific Coast Highway. VERONICA: Gia! GIA: It passed by our limo just a few minutes before the bus went off the cliff. VERONICA: So you're saying a green Barracuda passed you guys in the limo? GIA: Yeah! I mean is this a Barracuda? I'm not a car person. VERONICA: Yes. What did the guy look like? GIA: All I saw was his butt. He gave us a pressed ham as they drove by, or, should I say, gave me, and I was the only one in the limo facing that direction. I just figured they were a couple of stupid college kids. VERONICA: Why's that? GIA: They had this mascot sticker in the side window. VERONICA: How long before the crash was it? GIA: A few minutes. And I only remember because I was on the phone with my dad. He was calling to see where I was to make sure I was able to pick up Rodney after his piano lesson. VERONICA: Thanks. Veronica, her face troubled, leaves Gia. Elsewhere in the hall, Wallace is standing in the hall, talking to Jackie. WALLACE: Okay, I-I tried. It doesn't work. You want us to do this platonic thing, you gonna have to make some adjustments. Jackie laughs. JACKIE: Like what? Wallace looks down her body. WALLACE: Like that. He looks up at her newly straightened hair. WALLACE: And this. JACKIE: What do you want me to do, Wallace? My burkha's at the cleaners. WALLACE: Let me drop this dumb "pals" act. JACKIE: Wallace, I told you. WALLACE: It's been two weeks. It's like a decade in high school years. Jackie laughs. WALLACE: Jane's got a date this weekend. Why you so worried about what other people think? I mean, you're already that girl whose dad blew up the kids. Think anyone's out there saying, "Yeah, but at least she keeps her hands off of other girls' ex-boyfriends"? Jackie freezes. JACKIE: Thanks for breaking it down, Wallace. She leaves him standing. WALLACE: Hey, come on. You know what I'm trying to say. EXT - HARRY'S HOUSE - DAY. The LeBaron pulls up outside a modest home. Veronica gets out of the car and walks up to the house, noting the tire marks near an empty dog kennel and secured chain in the front yard as she passes. She rings the bell. Harry's younger brother, Billy, answers the door. He is sporting a black eye. BILLY: Yeah? VERONICA: Hi, I'm Veronica. BILLY: Yeah, you go to Neptune, right? You're, like, a cheerleader or something? VERONICA: Or something. Can you tell me where I can find Harry? He looks her up and down. BILLY: What'll you give me? VERONICA: Two bits, four bits, six bits, a dollar? And as a bonus, I won't beat you silly. Billy laughs. BILLY: I might like that. Veronica flicks her finger on his black eye. BILLY: Ow! Billy cringes back in pain. VERONICA: No, I don't think you would. BILLY: He's out back. Veronica walks down the steps of the house and around the back. Antlers decorate the rear of the garage. Harry has a bow and arrow and is taking aim. He lets the arrow fly. It hits the target set in the body of a full-sized fake deer. VERONICA: I hate fake deer too. Every time I see their stupid fake deer faces I wanna grab a shotgun and go all Cheney on 'em. Harry loads his bow with another arrow from the many he has in the quiver in front of him. HARRY: So, did you find the guy? VERONICA: Not yet. Just a small lead. Maybe. HARRY: But you will find him, right? Harry lets another arrow fly. It hits the target, as have all his other arrows. VERONICA: Do you have some deep-seated deer issues you wanna talk about? HARRY: Nope. I love animals. VERONICA: They're delicious, right? Ha, ha. HARRY: So you said there was a lead. Another arrow joins those in the middle of the target. VERONICA: Uh, sort of. Do you remember, on the car, was there a sticker on the window? HARRY: I dunno, there might have been. It was pretty dark. Is it important? VERONICA: Uh, I dunno. It could be nothing. HARRY: I really want this guy found. He aims and hits the deer in the eye. Veronica gets that he really wants the guy found and that once he is, an arrow is likely to be close behind. INT - GARAGE - NIGHT. Weevil is working under a car. The radio is playing (music not identified). Feet can be seen approaching the car. Weevil notices and rolls out from under the car. He looks up at his visitor and sits up. WEEVIL: You here to start somethin', dawg? The visitor is Hector, who takes a step towards him. Weevil pushes himself off the trolley and stands. WEEVIL: Why doncha let me wash up beforehand. Unless you don't mind grease around your throat. HECTOR: We made a mistake. WEEVIL: A mistake? So you come here 'cause you think you can take it back? Weevil smiles and turns his back, heading towards the radio. HECTOR: 'Cause it's all I can do. Weevil turns the radio off but doesn't turn back to Hector. HECTOR: It's the Fitzpatricks, Weevil. They been all over us. Just treatin' us like they bitches. WEEVIL: My guess would be that's because you are their bitches. HECTOR: It's just been getting worse, man. We need help. WEEVIL: You still here, Hector? HECTOR: You remember Arturo? That freshman you wouldn't let join up? He got a cigarette lighter to his face when he missed a payment. People are gonna die, Weevil. Your people. Thought you should know. Hector turns and walks out of the garage. Weevil, still facing the radio, doesn't respond. INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS (MI) - DAY. Veronica is looking at Classically Used, a site specialising in custom classic cars. Keith enters the office. VERONICA: Hey, Dad. Keith, excited, is carrying a yearbook from 1994. He drops his briefcase and hurries to stand by the desk, holding up the yearbook. KEITH: Okay, honey. Now prepare to be impressed. VERONICA: Dad, you've shown me your yearbook. The whole Rick Springfield feathered hair thing, it looked awesome on you. But those days are over, and it's time to move on. KEITH: Um. He puts the yearbook on the desk next to her. KEITH: This is Kendall Shiflett's high school yearbook. VERONICA: And she was named "Most likely to commit murder for profit"? That'd really support our latest theory. KEITH: Page eighty-seven. I marked it. Veronica picks up the book and goes to the marked page. Keith points her to a block of pictures. There are four rows with five pictures each. The names are down the left-hand side: Abby Schwartz, Judy Scrivano, Fern Sedino, Jacob Seideman, Robin Selby, Alfred Sharp, Kendall Shiflett, Parker Short, Jane Sierra, Franklina Silver, Phyllis Skiencars, Jake Smith, Craig Smith, Amy Smith, Lucy Smith, Fern Sedino, Alfred Sharp, Tammy, Joan, Patricia, Todd, and Margot. On the opposite page, the caption on a picture refers to Kim and Chuya. Veronica's finger runs along the second row to find Kendall Shiflett (note the different spelling from that in 203 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang." The picture is not of the Kendall she knows. VERONICA: Hello, weird hairdo girl who is not Kendall. KEITH: Gets weirder. Keith reaches over and turns the pages back to another marked page. In between pictures of Debbie S. Bankhead and Boyd K. Baker, is a picture of a young Kendall, the caption of which reads: Priscilla Banks. VERONICA: Priscilla Banks? A senior? I don't get it. KEITH: Neither did I until I found this. Keith produces a newspaper report: "15 year-old girl killed in car accident. Shelby, Tn = A single-car accident outside Shelby yesterday claimed the life of one area girl and sent another to the hospital with minor injuries, county sheriff's deputies said. According to accident reports filed last night, Kendall Shiflett, 15, was a passenger in a 1990 Vixen Elixir station wagon driven by Handley High School senior, 17-year-old Priscilla Banks. The car was south-bound on Provencal Road when Banks apparently lost control, sending the vehicle into a roadside ditch and ejecting Shiflett, who was pronounced dead at the scene. Shiflett, according to reports, was not wearing a seat belt, and the car's passenger-side air bags did not deploy. Clete County Sheriff's Deputy, Officer Christopher O'Donnell, reported that Shiflett died of massive head trauma, and that had she been wearing a seat belt, it is likely that she would have escaped serious injury. He blamed wet road conditions for the crash, but said the investigation is still continuing. O'Donnell had no comment on whether Banks would be charged with anything. "At this period, it appears to be a tragic accident, not a crime. But until our official investigations are complete, I cannot disclose any more information." At Handley High School this morning, students were remembering Shiflett as an energetic go-getter with a passion for horses and a talent for creating ceramic figurines of classic cartoon characters. "She absolutely loved Space Ghost," her friend Jennifer Bradbury told reporters. "She made amazing replicas of Zorak and Moltar." Other...Handley High school Bradbury's recollections. Shiflett, one teacher recalled, was outgoing and friendly, "the person most likely to give you a handmade card for your birthday," teacher Jean Scribeer recalled. "She was so crafty and artistic." Few students or teachers had comment to make about Priscilla Banks, the driver of the car in which Shiflett was killed. School officials refused to provide information, and Banks' friends said only that she was "upset and wanted privacy." This is the first loss of a student at Handley High since the tragic underage-club fire that gutted The Shard nightclub, killing fourteen Handley students. Wounds are still fresh from that tragedy and this crash may bring some traumatizing memories back. Services for Kendall Shiflett are scheduled for Saturday at noon at Stefan Memorial Chapel on Lehrman Road. In lieu of flowers, the family requests... VERONICA: The real Kendall Shiflett is dead. KEITH: And even weirder still? Miss Banks, our fake Kendall, was at the wheel when she was killed. VERONICA: The lengths a woman will go to to shave a few years off her age. KEITH: Or the name change had something to do with the six months she spent in prison for wire fraud. Keith points Veronica to a rap sheet. That shows Priscilla Banks' picture, fingerprints, description, and criminal record. The description lists her as aged 22, born in California, height 5'11", weight 130, white, and a brunette with fair complexion and blue eyes. Her criminal record relates to Wire Fraud dated 04-06-1999. KEITH: Rather interesting, huh? Veronica hears a ping and looks up at her laptop screen. There is an instant message from "AnonCuda411" which reads: "That green car you're looking for? Paypal me the reward and I'll send address. Strictly anonymous." In the meantime, Keith is proud of himself, tapping on his chest. KEITH: Admit it! The old man's got some P.I. chops. Veronica, more interested by what's on her screen, smiles indulgently. She accepts the instant message. She responds: "What's your email address?" Keith is not impressed that she is not duly impressed. KEITH: Well, I thought is was some pretty sweet detectiving. Veronica ignores him and writes something down. VERONICA: I gotta run. I just got a lead on a Barracuda that ran over a classmate's dog. Veronica rips off the sheet of paper, collects her bag and leaves the office. EXT - NEPTUNE STREET - DAY. This is the poorer part of town. The LeBaron pulls up outside 2126, a house marked by peeling paintwork. Veronica knocks at the door. VERONICA VOICEOVER: It now occurs to me that a bat or a large stick might have been a good idea, given the profile of your average muscle-car-driving, ass-flashing, dog-murdering-- The door opens, revealing an old woman in dark glasses. MARY: Who are you? VERONICA: Uuuuh, hi! I was just wondering if you've seen a green muscle car around the neighbourhood. A Barracuda? MARY: Young lady, I haven't seen anything... She takes off her glasses to eyes blinded by cataracts. MARY: ...since my cataracts came back. VERONICA: I'm sorry. I... MARY: What do you want with my car? VERONICA: Wow. It's yours. The woman nods. VERONICA: It's just that my dad is super into them and he's always talked about getting a souped-up 'Cuda. MARY: That car belonged to my dear, departed husband, bless his soul. And it's staying right where it is in that garage until they carry me out in a box. Now, excuse me, but I'm missing Vanna and Pat. The woman shuts the door. Veronica looks over at the garage and then around to see if she's being watched. VERONICA VOICEOVER: And what enjoyment, exactly, do the blind get out of Wheel of Fortune? She heads for the garage. INT - GARAGE - DAY. Veronica opens the door and enters. The Barracuda is there. She runs her hand along the side of it, stopping at some stickiness on the back window. She grabs some Chalk-Line from one of the shelves and squirts it over the lower corner of the window. She spreads the substance over the area. The outline of leprechaun appears. Veronica climbs into the car and places a bug inside the instrument panel. She opens the glove compartment. She stares in horror at the gun inside. INT - MI - DAY. Keith is in his office, on the phone, waiting for someone to pick up at the other end. BANKS: [on phone] Hello? KEITH: Hello, Mr. Banks? BANKS: [on phone] Yes. KEITH: This is Terry Whittaker calling from the Handley High Alumni Association. We're planning the big reunion and we're having some trouble locating Priscilla. Um, we'd sure like to track her down. BANKS: [on phone] Well, so would we. KEITH: Sorry? BANKS: [on phone] Last we heard, she was living in Neptune, California. I only know 'cause she sent her ma a Get-Well-Soon card a few months back. KEITH: Did you happen to keep the return address? BANKS: [on phone] There wasn't one. I guess she didn't want us writing her back. KEITH: Well, thanks for your time, Mr. Banks. BANKS: [on phone] You find her, you mind telling her her mom passed on? Veronica is working in the main office. She looks up at a knock on the door. It's Weevil. VERONICA: You here to confess? Is that your tail I see between your legs? WEEVIL: No. But I can see how you might get confused. I need you to get me into Clemmons' office. Veronica looks up at him innocently. WEEVIL: Look, I know you got a key. You spend as much time in there as he does. VERONICA: You want my help? You're gonna have to answer a few questions for me. First, what do you need out of Clemmons' office? WEEVIL: A paddle. It belonged to Thumper. Clemmons confiscated it. Weevil takes the seat in front of Veronica's desk. VERONICA: "Belonged"? Interesting use of the past tense. What's so special about this paddle? WEEVIL: I saw it when I dumped the carnival cash in Thumper's shop locker. It had license plates engraved on it. I'm guessing that those plates belong to the people he was delivering product to for the Fitzpatricks. He probably made it as some kind of insurance policy. VERONICA: How's that working out for him? WEEVIL: Look, the Fitzpatricks have turned the PCHers into slave labour. There's nothing those guys won't do to ensure timely payment. Threats, beatings, torture... That paddle, if it is what I think it is, it's serious leverage. VERONICA: Fair enough. Second question. Why were you following the school bus the day of the crash? WEEVIL: Cervando. I loved the guy, but he was book-smart and street-dumb. He was telling anybody who'd listen how he'd hustled Liam Fitzpatrick and word was out that Liam was looking for him. I had his back, just in case. You believe me? VERONICA: How could I not when you're battin' those Maybelline lashes at me? Steps can be heard coming out of Keith's office. VERONICA: Hey, dad. KEITH: I'm heading out, honey. See you at home soon? VERONICA: I have a shift at the Hut. KEITH: Lock up, would you? Veronica nods. Keith's smile drops as he looks down at Weevil. KEITH: Eli. WEEVIL: Sheriff. Keith exits. Weevil stands. WEEVIL: Key please. Veronica opens her desk drawer and gets out her large ring of keys. She selects one and threads it off the ring. She hands it to Weevil. VERONICA: Keep it. WEEVIL: Seriously? VERONICA: Yeah. Clemmons changed his locks. It's worthless. Veronica drops the keys back in the drawer and pulls out a sheet of paper as Weevil bitches. WEEVIL: What! You make me jump through all your hoops just so-- VERONICA: Lucky I have a copy of this, huh? She shows him the copy of the paddle. Weevil drops the redundant key on the desk and shakes his head. WEEVIL: You're unbelievable. VERONICA: What do you say we figure out who some of those fine folks are? INT - JAVA THE HUT - NIGHT. Jackie is serving and doing a good job of it. JACKIE: Okay, two turkeys. You wanted decaf, right? You okay? CUSTOMER: Thanks. VERONICA VOICEOVER: What a relief. It seems I wasn't lying about Jackie's waitressing skills. Veronica is watching from the counter. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Nice to see all those Manhattan ballet lessons finally pay off in the service industry. Cut to a little later. Jackie is pinning an order at the kitchen hatch. Veronica approaches. VERONICA: Hey, Jackie. Um, table eight requested to sit in your section. Jackie heads for the table. It's Wallace. Jackie hesitates before getting close enough to talk. [SCENE_BREAK] WALLACE: Hey. JACKIE: Hey. WALLACE: Look. What I said to you at school... JACKIE: Don't worry about it. WALLACE: I can't help myself. I'm worried. I didn't mean for it to come out like that. What I was trying to say was if it's really your own reputation that you're worried about, then I hope you can get past that. But if it's not about your reputation, if it's just that you don't, you know, feel the same way about me that I feel about you, then I'll understand and I'll back off. JACKIE: It's not that. I like you a lot, Wallace. Too much, I think. WALLACE: Then the hell with what anyone else thinks. JACKIE: I've been accepted to the Sorbonne. WALLACE: Hey, that's great! JACKIE: It's in Paris. I leave the day after graduation. What does that give us, five weeks? Just enough time to get our hearts broken? There's no happy ending out there for us. Wallace leans back in his seat and sighs. A little later, Veronica brings some empty cups to the counter. She checks under the counter where she has set up her laptop, displaying the tracker. The red dot is moving. VERONICA VOICEOVER: The Barracuda is on the move. Veronica rushes over to Jackie. VERONICA: Sorry to ask you this on your first night, Jackie, but can you cover my tables until closing? JACKIE: Sure, no sweat. VERONICA: Thanks. I owe ya. Veronica turns to make a speedy exit. EXT - NEPTUNE STREETS - NIGHT. The LeBaron pulls up at the side of the road at an intersection. Veronica watches the tracker. VERONICA: Wait for it. The Barracuda crosses in front of her. Veronica turns right to follow. She adjusts the radio to pick up the sound from inside the car. Music: "Treat Her Like a Lady" by Cornelius Brothers & Sister Rose. LYRICS: You got-ta treat her like a lad-ay She give into you, ah-hum Now who can see? you know what I mean Oh, you've got to love her (love her) Tease her (tease her) But most of all you've got-ta please her (Please her) You've got-ta hold her (hold her) Now an want her (want her) And make her feel you'll always need her (Need her) You know a woman (woman) Is sentimental (woman) And so easy (woman) to upset (woman) So make her feel (feel) That she's for real (real) An she give you happiness The male occupant of the car is singing along. In the car, a rosary cross hangs from the rear-view mirror and the driver wears a claddagh ring on the third finger of his left hand, the crown turned outward. The car pulls up outside a house, behind another car. Veronica pulls back further down the street on the other side and takes pictures as a woman gets out of the front car and joins the man in the Barracuda. WOMAN: I think he's still inside. I just saw a flashlight moving around. MAN: Hand me my gun out of the glove box. Hearing this, Veronica puts down the camera. The man in the Barracuda gets out. Veronica punches in a number on her cell phone. KEITH: [on phone] Hey, sweetie. VERONICA: Dad, I need your help. I'm following this guy, and I'm pretty sure somebody's gonna get shot. KEITH: [on phone] Tell me where you are, honey. VERONICA: The northwest corner of Satsuma and Chandler. KEITH: [on phone] I want you to pull up in front of the house and wait for me with the engine running. You see anybody but me coming toward the car, you get the hell out of here, you understand? Veronica watches the man from the Barracuda run up the stairs to the house. VERONICA: Where are you? There's no response. VERONICA: Dad! INT - HOUSE - CONTINUING. Keith is inside the house. He turns off his flashlight as he hears the front door open. VERONICA: [on phone] Dad! Talk to me! What's going on? Keith listens for the man. VERONICA: [on phone] Dad! Keith looks at the phone. VERONICA: [on phone] Dad! He closes it to cut her off and swallows hard. EXT - HOUSE - CONTINUING. VERONICA: Dad! Veronica continues to hold the phone to her ear, extremely worried. VERONICA: Dad! She finally throws the phone down, switches on the engine and drives. INT - HOUSE - CONTINUING. Inside, Keith walks quietly, listening for an indicator of the man's whereabouts. The man also walks slowly, the gun ready in his hand. EXT - HOUSE - CONTINUING. Veronica pulls up behind the Barracuda. INT - HOUSE - CONTINUING. Keith hears footsteps walking away from his position and steps forward heading for the window. The footsteps were a feint. MAN: Help you find something? Keith freezes and slowly turns to face the man, who steps into the room, the gun pointed at Keith. It's Liam Fitzpatrick. LIAM: Oh, my, my, my. Well, maybe it is true about the luck of the Irish. Keith Mars. Liam laughs. LIAM: On the wrong end of a robbery in progress. Unbelievable. Keith looks over his shoulder at the window. LIAM: Hey! You wanna make a run for it, it'll just help sell my story when the crime scene investigators show up. KEITH: Liam. Don't do this, please. I have a daughter. LIAM: We've met. Sweet girl. I'll keep an eye on her when you're gone. Keith swallows and Liam pulls the trigger. There is no bullet in the chamber. Liam pulls the trigger again and again. Keith rushes him and the men fight. EXT - HOUSE - CONTINUING. The woman gets out of the Barracuda and heads towards Veronica. WOMAN: What are you doing here? The woman comes into the light. It's Kendall. KENDALL: Who's that in my house? What the hell is going on? Suddenly, behind her, Liam and Keith come crashing through a large picture window in a shower of broken glass. They continue to grapple, with Keith getting in some good elbows to Liam's gut. He breaks free of Liam's hold with a back fist to his face and runs towards the LeBaron. He climbs in. Kendall is standing in the way. VERONICA: Move or you're a hood ornament! Kendall holds up her hands and backs off to the sidewalk. Veronica floors the LeBaron and she and Keith screech away. Liam picks himself up and staggers over to Kendall, still staring after the escaping LeBaron. KENDALL: Why was the former sheriff in my house? LIAM: He didn't say. KENDALL: This is bad. LIAM: Yeah. I could track him down and ask him. KENDALL: That would be worse. INT - LEBARON - NIGHT. KEITH: His gun wasn't loaded. Veronica smiles. VERONICA: If you wouldn't've hung up on me, I could've told you. The bullets are in the ashtray. Keith looks over at her, incredulous. He then pulls out a bullet from the ashtray and stares at it. VERONICA: Think we should return them? Keith stares at Veronica for a moment before putting a loving hand on her head. Veronica smiles. Both are holding back extreme emotion and relief. VERONICA: So, I take it Kendall Casablancas slash Priscilla Banks has a secret house. KEITH: Yep. I take it you found your Barracuda. VERONICA: Yep. You find anything in the house? Say, plans to blow up the bus? KEITH: Just this. He holds up a hard drive. KEITH: Her hard drive. Veronica grins. INT - MI - NIGHT. The hard drive is attached to a laptop. The contents are successfully transferred. MAC: [offscreen] Bingo. Mac is at Veronica's desk. She turns to look at the Marses who are sitting on the small couch. Veronica is dabbing at Keith's wounds. MAC: All right, you guys are in. VERONICA: Ah, thanks, Mac. MAC: I'm not speaking to you. Veronica looks at Mac. MAC: Butters asked if he should rent a room for Prom night. I'm doing this for your dad. Veronica grins. MAC: Mr. Mars, what else can I do for you? KEITH: You mind printing every email, every document? MAC: Your word is my Shift-Command. Keith smiles while Veronica groans. MAC: Little computer humor for you, there. VERONICA: I liked it better when you weren't speaking to me. Mac tries to throw Veronica an evil look. Veronica smiles serenely. EXT - INDUSTRIAL AREA - NIGHT. The PCHers are lined up, waiting, as two cars roar up. One of them is the Barracuda. Once out of the car, Liam, still bearing the signs of his fight with Keith, leads another five or so of his guys towards the bikers. LIAM: Oh yeah! Whoo-ho. So how did we make out in school this week...ladies. Hector pulls an envelope out of his pocket. HECTOR: That's it. He tosses it to Liam HECTOR: That's all there is. Liam catches it and shakes it. LIAM: A little light. He opens the envelope and checks the amount inside. LIAM: Oh, this is bad. I've had a doozy of a night. I'm really not in the mood. HECTOR: Supply and demand. That's all the people are buying. LIAM: Then create demand. You act like the rich kids are the only ones with money. Throw a rave, on the beach. You've got finals coming up, right? People need to stay awake, people need to study. It's called pusher for a reason. Liam points at Hector, making a high-pitched giggle. He turns back to his guys and they laugh with him. Liam turns back to the PCHers. LIAM: Oh, all right, what do you say we try a new motivational technique? Liam points to someone behind Hector. LIAM: You! The scrawny one. Hector turns to see who Liam is referring to. It's Billy, his black eye still very noticeable. LIAM: He's been short two weeks in a row. Liam beckons him forward with his finger. Billy doesn't move. Liam gestures for two of his guys to go and get him. There's a bit of a struggle as some to the other bikers try and stop them, but to no avail. Billy is dragged to the front. Cut to moments later. Billy's hands are bound and he is hung on the same hook that Weevil was hung on in 212 "Rashard and Wallace Go to White Castle." Liam approaches one of the other bikers and takes his cap off his head. LIAM: Now. I will cut the kid down as soon as this hat is full of bills. He lets the cap drop to the ground. Hector sighs. LIAM: But in the meantime... Liam claps and rubs his hands together, looking back at his guys. He points to one and laughs. LIAM:...Declan here, oh, he's gonna show me some of the jab he's always bragging about. Declan is pushed jovially over to Billy. LIAM: Work the body. Declan punches Billy in the stomach. LIAM: Work the body! Declan punches Billy in the face. Liam and the other Fitzpatricks ooo and ahh and laugh. The PCHers start to throw bills into the cap. The sound of an approaching car interrupts after Declan's next punch to the chest. The Fitzpatricks and the bikers all turn to look at the new arrival. It's Weevil. He gets out of the car. Liam laughs as Weevil strides purposefully towards him. LIAM: Hey! Didn't this used to be your gang? Why don't you help us whip some of your boys into shape here? Weevil squares up to Liam, standing between him and the bikers. WEEVIL: Nah. The PCHers ain't dealing for you no more. Liam looks around at his guys in mock compliance. LIAM: Okay! So, uh, what, we just...shake hands and walk away like gentlemen? WEEVIL: Not sure I'm interested in the handshake, but I'm fine with the walkin' away. LIAM: You know, uh, retirement...it ain't all it's cracked up to be. Ask Thumper. WEEVIL: You're not threatening me, are you? 'Cause you oughtta be nicer to a guys who's got this. Weevil pulls out a piece of paper from his pocket. LIAM: What's that supposed to be? WEEVIL: It's just a list. Of all your big shot clients, lawyers on speed, coked up pro athletes, celebrities kids rolling on E. Ask yourself this question: Exactly how much business did Heidi Fleiss do when her little book went public, huh? Liam knows he's snookered. WEEVIL: You might want to hold on to that for me. Liam snatches the paper. WEEVIL: We'll call it collateral. Liam opens out the paper and examines. He then shows his guys and laughs. LIAM: So, uh, how do I know you didn't make a copy? WEEVIL: Oh, I did make copies. Lots of 'em. And the day I go missing is the day they go public. Might wanna keep that in mind. Weevil taps his brow. LIAM: Um-hm. You might wanna watch your back. WEEVIL: Why? You're gonna be watching it for me. Liam laughs again but there is no humour in it. He turns and walks back to the cars. The bikers celebrate. HECTOR: I knew you'd come through for us, Weevil. WEEVIL: Right, boys. You're on your own now. Weevil walks away. As the other bikers express their surprise, Hector seems to understand. Weevil drives away, satisfied. INT - MI - NIGHT. Veronica has papers strewn around her on the small couch. She is going through some papers resting on her raised knees. She stops and sighs. She walks into Keith's office. He too is reading. KEITH: Find anything? VERONICA: Found out that little old lady with the Barracuda, Mary MacDonald, is Liam Fitzpatrick's maternal grandmother. KEITH: That it? Veronica thinks as she sinks into one of the chairs in front of his desk. VERONICA: Weevil said this kid on the bus, Cervando, thought the Fitzpatricks were after him. He ripped them off, then went bragging. Liam wanted to shut Cervando up pretty bad. And, since Liam had access to explosives through his cousin, Danny... She shrugs and throws the papers in her hand onto Keith's desk. VERONICA: That's the best I can come up with. I've looked through all this stuff and I still can't find anything to connect Liam and Kendall. KEITH: How 'bout prisoner number 246219? VERONICA: What? KEITH: Sixty-five emails, all to Cormac Fitzpatrick, Liam's older brother, doing time up in San Quentin. Veronica stands and takes the papers Keith has, examining them. KEITH: The dots are starting to connect now. VERONICA: What's he in for? KEITH: Fraud. Cormac and Kendall were partners, grifters working the long con. She was his roper. That stint she did? I think she took the rap for Cormac, saved him a third strike. I'd say the rest of the Fitzpatricks owe Kendall a big one. Maybe Liam was following the bus. VERONICA: Could have just been out there as Kendall's eyes. Called her just at the right moment. Kendall could have made the call that blew up the bus while sipping Margaritas by the Casablancas pool. KEITH: You talked to Logan? VERONICA: He was with her that day, but he says Kendall kicked him out hours before the crash. INT - JAVA THE HUT - NIGHT. Jackie approaches Wallace who is sitting at one of the tables. WALLACE: Been thinkin' about what you said. JACKIE: And? WALLACE: And I don't care. I say five weeks is five weeks. Why don't we make the most of it? Forget about the happy ending, Jackie. Let's just worry about being happy now. Jackie glances around and then sits at Wallace's table. WALLACE: I just don't know when I'm gonna meet another girl like you. JACKIE: I think it's safe to say there's not another Wallace Fennel out there either. They laugh. WALLACE: So, what do you say? Will you go to prom with me? JACKIE: Yeah. I'll do that. WALLACE: Well, all right then. I guess I better head down to Ayres Formal Wear. I hear those top hats and those canes go quick. Jackie laughs. KEITH: [offscreen] Veronica! INT - MARS RESIDENCE - DAY. Keith is watching television. NEWSCASTER: ...when a construction crew came across the object... Veronica comes in from her room. VERONICA: What is it? NEWSCASTER:...buried just feet from where the body of their daughter was discovered... Veronica sits on the arm of the chair. KEITH: Nothing. It's a special report. He switches off the television with the remote. KEITH: They found the murder weapon, the one used to kill Lilly. VERONICA: What about the glass ashtray you found in the pool? KEITH: We figured that's what he used, why else would it be in the pool. VERONICA: Okay, but that doesn't really change anything, does it? KEITH: They found it buried in the Kane's back yard. The new owners were moving the swimming pool, and they found Aaron's Oscar statue. VERONICA: What? But doesn't that...help us? I mean, with his prosecution? KEITH: Honey, in addition to Lilly's blood, the sheriff found some of Duncan's hair on the murder weapon. Veronica is stunned. EXT - HARRY'S HOUSE - DAY. Veronica walks up the steps to the door. In front of the abandoned kennel is Billy's motorbike, which Veronica notes. She knocks on the door. Billy, now with two black eyes, answers the door. BILLY: He's in his room. VERONICA: Hold it. He turns to disappear into the house, but Veronica grabs his arm. He winces. BILLY: Ow. What are you doing? VERONICA: Looks like you had a rough night. Is that your bike out front? BILLY: Yeah. VERONICA: You know exactly who killed your brother's dog, don't you. Same guys who ground up your face. Liam Fitzpatrick. What happened? A little late with the payment? Billy doesn't respond. VERONICA: I've learned that when someone just stands there with his mouth open like that, it means he's guilty. BILLY: Listen, just don't tell Harry. He finds out what happened-- VERONICA: Cry to someone else. This beating you've got coming. BILLY: Wait, wait. It's not me I'm worried about. My brother hears that Liam was the one that killed his dog, I mean, he'll go after him. I swear to god, man, Harry isn't afraid of anybody. VERONICA: So, you're asking me to lie to him to save his life? BILLY: I'm asking you not to tell him so my brother doesn't spend the rest of his life in prison because he put a razor-cut three blade broadhead arrow through Liam Fitzpatrick's throat. Harry calls down from upstairs. HARRY: [offscreen] Billy! Who is it? BILLY: [whispers] Please! Billy sidesteps with an anguished sigh to let Veronica into the house. INT - HARRY'S HOUSE - CONTINUING. Veronica walks slowly up the stairs. VERONICA VOICEOVER: So all I have to do is give Harry the name of the man who tried to kill my dad in cold blood last night, Liam Fitzpatrick. He's a killer and there's a good possibility he was responsible for the deaths of everybody on that bus. I, for one, wouldn't miss him. She reaches Harry's room, which is filled with the means and products of his hunting. Harry is sharpening one of his arrow tips. He looks over at her. HARRY: Were you able to find out who ran over my dog? Veronica takes some time to answer. VERONICA: No. End.

Plan: A: Veronica; Q: Who tries to discover who is responsible for a hit-and-run that killed a classmate's dog? A: Cormac Fitzpatrick's; Q: Who was Kendall's partner-in-crime? A: more than ten million dollars; Q: How much money does Kendall stand to receive if Cassidy and Dick die at the same time? A: the brutal Fitzpatricks; Q: Who do the PCHers want to be free of? A: help; Q: What do the PCHers come to Weevil for? A: Construction workers; Q: Who found one of Aaron Echolls' Oscars? A: Aaron Echolls' Oscars; Q: What was found buried on Kane property? A: Duncan; Q: Whose hair was found on the Oscar? Summary: Veronica tries to discover who is responsible for a hit-and-run that killed a classmate's dog. Veronica and Keith find out that Kendall was Cormac Fitzpatrick's partner-in-crime, and that if Cassidy and Dick die simultaneously, she stands to receive more than ten million dollars. Desperate to be free of the brutal Fitzpatricks, the PCHers come to Weevil for help. Construction workers find one of Aaron Echolls' Oscars buried on Kane property, covered with Lilly's blood and Duncan's hair.

At an outdoor pool, Peter is filming some girls diving and Manny and Emma are laying on lounge chairs Peter: 1, 2, 3, action! Manny: Do you think that agent is ever gonna call me? Emma: Do you think that Peter guy is ever gonna notice me? We've been coming here for weeks. Hey what if I stood up? Do I have like lumpy chair dents in my thighs? Manny: Alright you'd need fat on them, or any. Emma: Look. He's talking to that turquoise tankini tramp. I hate her. Manny: You've already won. You don't need a tankini to hide your Buddha belly or shorts to camouflage your butt. Emma: Manny! He's looking at you. Manny: Please. I'm not his type. He's looking at you. You are. Emma: That is the first guy I've liked since hurricane Sean blew through my emotional trailer park. Manny: Em, I have one goal this year and it ain't anonymous hot dude at pool. I'm gonna be an actress. Go ahead. Smile. I'm doing it. Whatever it takes, I'm doing. Outside the school, Paige, Ellie, Jimmy, Marco, Hazel and Craig are walking Paige: Can you believe that we, the most cursed class in history, actually made it to senior year? Everyone else: No! Hazel: I guess Ashley didn't make it. Craig: Yet! She'll be here. Right El? Ellie: Definitely. Outside the school, Manny, Emma, Toby, JT and Liberty are walking (Manny is checking her cell phone for a message and doesn't see one.) Emma: She's a big agent. She's probably just busy. JT: Just trust Papa Super Fry okay? The acting world is all about brutal rejection. Inside the school Ms. Hatzilakos: You put in a lot of work this summer. That's why I'm letting you back, but one slip up, and I mean one, and you're out that door. Spinner: Got it. I won't disappoint you Ms. H! I swear to god. (She leaves and Spinner sees everyone walk into the school.) Spinner: Hey guys. Look who's back. Jimmy. Uh good summer? (They all walk by without saying anything.) In a hallway, Emma sees Peter and grabs Manny Emma: He's actually here. Manny: Oh! You can do it. Emma: I'm too nervous! (Manny pushes Emma towards him.) Emma: Hi. Welcome to Emma. I'm Degrassi. Peter: Nice to meet you Degrassi. Manny: It's a tradition. Backwards greeting. We all do it first day, so you're Manny and I'm...? Peter: Peter. I know you! You're the actress from the Kevin Smith film. Manny: Yeah. Peter: I'm a director. Aspiring anyway. You got an agent? Manny: I sent my photos to Bernice Fein. She's the best in the city so I'm just waiting for a call. Peter: Forever. That's how long you're gonna have to wait. You gotta march right into her office looking like a million bucks and demand to see her. My dad always says if you want something in life, don't ask, just take. (His phone rings.) Peter: Excuse me. (On the phone) Hello? In another hallway Ellie: Ashley hasn't e-mailed in a week. She's totally disappeared. Marco: Okay uh maybe, maybe, maybe she's gonna surprise Craig, hmm? Show up at his birthday tomorrow. Ellie: It's tomorrow? What do we do? At Manny's house Mrs. Santos: Oh Manuelita. I didn't make lunch. Manny: I just came for my credit card. Mrs. Santos: (Changing the subject) Uh leftovers or a toasted sandwich? I could throw together an omelette. Manny: Mom! It's my credit card and I don't even know why you guys don't let me keep it. Mrs. Santos: Your daddy and I just want you to be responsible. Manny: I am. I worked really hard on that movie to make all that money. Mrs. Santos: Sometimes we are concerned. What you wear, where you go...with boys. And your grades! Manny: What do you think I'm retarded? I'm not. I can manage. I'm smart. (Her mom doesn't say anything.) Manny: I just, I just need some new clothes for school, okay mom? (Her mom smiles and gets the credit card from her wallet.) Mrs. Santos: $50 only. You know how your daddy is. He'll chop off our heads. Manny: Okay. Thanks bye! In the Media Immersion classroom Marco: I did a safari in Masai Mara and honest El, it blew my mind. (Craig starts doing hand signals to Ellie who laughs.) Marco: What? You two have hand signals? We don't even have hand signals. Ellie: Oh good! It's from Ash. (Ellie looks at the e-mail and sees a picture of Ashley with another guy.) Ellie: Not good. Way, way not good. (Ashley's e-mail tells her that she met a new guy named Alistair and that she's not coming home because of him, but she doesn't know how to tell Craig yet. Ellie shows Marco the attached picture.) Marco: Uh that, that is not Craig. Ellie: It's Alistair, AKA Ali, AKA the reason she's staying in England. Marco: What?! Nice birthday present. Ellie: Okay we have to throw him the greatest, most rocking-est party ever. Marco: Wow. You just say rocking-est? Ellie: Yeah. I'm that upset for him. In the mall, music is playing while there's a montage of Manny (Manny is walking around the mall staring at pictures of models and looking at mannequins, and seeing really skinny girls try on clothes. She tries on a blonde wig, then takes it off. She goes into a change room with a pair of jeans and has to squeeze to get them on. Before she leaves Manny sees an outfit that she loves, so she buys it and wears it out of the mall.) At the agent's office Manny: Two minutes. I promise. I won't leave and I'll stare at you really, really hard. Bernice's assistant: (On the phone) Spare two minutes for pest control? Thanks Bernice. Manny: (Reading for the camera) And in the midst of all that rescuing, in the midst of all that clawing for hope, nobody made it out of our wedding alive. Bernice: Glass of milk honey. Manny: You want me to? Bernice: It was nice. Milk. Eh it's kind of boring. Danny look at the wall behind me. Tell me what you see dear. Manny: A bunch of really gorgeous people? Bernice: Mm hmm, but they're not just gorgeous. They're special. They have 'it'. Look at Robin. Robin has 'it'. Robin is special! What's so special about you? Hmm? (Manny doesn't know what to say.) Bernice: Exactly my point. So you go figure that out before you come back here. Oh and a word of advice, stop with the beans and rice, and dump the lumps. Outside (Manny is walking outside crying and nearly gets hit by a bus, then sees an add for plastic surgery and stares at it.) Manny: (On the phone) Hi. Emma? Can you meet me downtown now? At the plastic surgery office, Manny and Emma are looking at brochures and booklets Emma: Ugh, look at that ass. Manny: She said dump the lumps. Emma: Okay. She's out of her mind. Manny: And I'm a glass of milk. Emma: Okay. You are out of your mind. Manny you are gorgeous. You do not need to change. Manny: Remember when you got your period in class? Emma: Shh! Manny: Remember when you got your period in class and everyone was laughing at you and you just told them all to shut up? I feel like that everyday. Like everybody's joking about me and I can never get them to shut up. Emma: And a plastic surgeon can change that? Manny: They won't be laughing when I'm famous. Surgeon: Manny Santos? In the surgeon's office Manny: So, some off my uh thighs and my... (She gestures to her butt.) Surgeon: Your bottom? Manny: Yes, but I think my... (She gestures to her boobs.) Surgeon: Bosom. Manny: Yes, I think they're fine, or it, or my bust. I mean it's fine. Surgeon: Consider... a larger bust will actually help balance out your lower half. So if we combine lipo with breast augmentation I can create for you Manny a very, very striking figure. Manny: Oh okay. I want to do it. Let's do it. Surgeon: Okay. There's some details that we have to discuss, including the risks of course. Manny: Fine. How much? Surgeon: Ah, well $6000 is the average cost of an implant, plus or minus depending on the model, etc. Liposuction, more or less $300. Manny: I have enough. Surgeon: And parental consent? Manny: I have enough. Of it. I'm sorry, I have it. How soon? Surgeon: Uh 7 or 8 weeks until there's an opening in the O.R., but that's only if you book now and leave a deposit, otherwise... Manny: Do you take credit cards? At the Dot Ellie: Hey Spinner, have any coffee? Spinner: They tell me that's what the cups are for. Ellie: One to go please. Spinner: Party supplies eh? I know school's exciting, but... Ellie: It's Craig's birthday. Spinner: So what, you guys best friends now? Ellie: No. No. I just, I kinda feel responsible since my former best friend's ruined the guy's life. Spinner: Oops. Ash did it again. She played with his heart, got lost in... Ellie: Anyway! Now I've got no place to throw him his cheer up party. Spinner: Well you know I could get us that whole corner. I mean you, you guys can have that whole corner. Ellie: Really? Spinner: Yeah it's no problem. I'm here for the night shift anyway. [SCENE_BREAK] In the school library Manny: Captain Cook? Didn't we already do him in like grade 4? Peter: Years later Peter used to look back and remember how cute it was when she made fun of his history project. Wait, wait. I have this idea for a movie. It's about a girl like you. Smart, fiery, not totally hideous. Manny: Charming. Thanks, but I don't know. Peter: Why not? A good movie under your belt, your agent would love that. You did go talk to that agent didn't you? Manny: Yeah, but she said I needed some work. Peter: So do it! Listen to this. 'I had the ambition not only to go farther than any man had ever gone, but to go as far as it was possible to go'. You free tonight? My friend's having a party. Manny: Um sorry I can't. Peter: Because? Manny: Just because, but you should ask Emma. You know, she's free. Peter: Yeah I will ask her, but uh here's the address for you. Just in case. At the Dot Jimmy: Still can't believe they let him back after what he did. It makes me sick. Paige: Blah, blah Spinner. That's so last year. I want the latest with the princess Ashley diaries. How's Craig doing with his dumpage? Ellie: Well. Really well. Marco: Yeah 'cause um, he doesn't know yet. Paige: Oh! Ellie: Hey it's the guy's birthday. It can at least wait until tomorrow, right? Hazel: There he is! Everyone: Surprise! Surprise! (Ellie starts spraying him with silly string.) Craig: Who did this? I hate surprises! (Craig gives Ellie a big hug from behind.) Craig: Thanks guys. Thank you. This is great. This is great! At Manny's house, Manny walks in and her parents are sitting at the table Manny: Sorry. How was your day? (Her parents don't say anything.) Manny: What's going on? Mrs. Santos: A doctor's office called today to get permission for breast surgery. Manny: Okay! Wait, I have to explain. I was just asking... I was curious. Mr. Santos: Don't lie! You made a deposit! I called the credit card company! Manny: I'm trying to be an actress. I need to make changes for my job. Mr. Santos: School's your job and the only changing you should do is into, into decent clothes. Manny: My clothes are fine. Mr. Santos: You think I sacrificed all my life so you could be a loose girl? Manny: I'm not a loose girl. Mr. Santos: Then why do you want bigger boobs, huh? Huh?! What kind of girl wants that? A good girl? No! A slut. (Manny runs out of the room crying.) Mrs. Santos: Manuela, wait! Joseph... (Mrs. Santos keeps talking to him as Manny is crying in the hallway.) At the Dot Spinner: There are two extra scoops in there. Craig: I won't tell. Spinner: Happy birthday man. Craig: Yeah. I gotta get back. Spinner: Uh Craig. I'm sorry about what happened. It sucks. You're a great guy and you deserve better than that. Craig: Better than what? Spinner: Better than Ashley. Man I know all about it. Craig: All about what? What the hell are you talking about? Spinner: Ellie said that...nothing. It's nothing! Nothing... Ellie: Time to open presents? Craig: It's time to tell the truth. What is going on with Ashley? (Nobody says anything.) Craig: If you told Spinner, you can tell me. Ellie: She wanted to tell you herself. She wanted to wait 'til the time was right. Craig: Whatever. Just tell me. Ellie: She met someone. Craig: Wait. You knew and you didn't tell me? Marco: Don't shoot the messenger Craig. We... Craig: You knew? Did everybody know? Screw you. At the party, Manny walks in and Emma is talking to some random girl Random girl: Are they vintage? They look vintage. Emma: Yeah they're from some little store at Dundas/Grace. (Emma sees Manny and walks over to her.) Emma: Hey Manny! What are you doing here? Manny: I was just bored I guess. Emma: So how'd you know about this party? Peter: Hey Manny. Glad you could make it. Emma: I guess he invited you. Random girl: Oh that explains it. Peter invited her. He does go for girls like that. Emma: Manny what is going on? Have you been crying? Manny: No I'm fine. Just leave me alone. (She walks over to some guys that are drinking.) Manny: Hi can I borrow some vodka? (She starts drinking and Peter is filming the party.) Outside the Dot Ellie: How is he? Marco: Well he's bashing on the poor, defenceless drum kit, but he'll be fine. Ellie: Ugh! So terrible. Marco: El, it's not your fault okay? Don't worry. I think he kinda saw it coming. Ellie: Then why do I feel so awful? Marco: Because you like him. Ellie: Marco, he's my best friend's boyfriend. Marco: Yeah, but not anymore. Ellie: Yeah, well... you are so wrong. At the party, Manny is drinking more and more, while Peter is filming everyone (Emma walks by with some other girl having a good time and Manny watches them sadly. She keeps drinking and talking to the guy who is basically passed out next to her.) Manny: And then my dad called me a slut. Peter: It must be quite the conversation. I think it's time for you to go home little girl lost. Manny: I'm not a little girl. (Manny grabs Peter's hand and they walk to another room together.) Manny: Have you ever known a girl who got a boob job or is gonna? Peter: Hope you're not talking about you. Manny: That's what I said. I said my boobs are great and the doctor said I'm wrong. Peter: Well maybe you need a second opinion. Manny: Maybe we should make a little movie 'cause camera's never lie. Peter: Know what? You're right Manny. Camera's never lie. In fact this camera will give a perfect second opinion. Manny: I'm gonna be an actress. Like academy award winning. You can sell this for a million dollars cause I'm gonna be famous! (She takes off her shirt as Peter films her.) Scenes for next week Manny: (Facing the camera) I wanted to be famous, but not for this. (Manny falls into the laundry hamper in Emma's basement.) Voiceover: A wild night leads to a lapse in judgement. (The video is being shown to everyone at school.) Girl's voice: There's a video of Manny doing something she shouldn't be doing. (Jimmy and Craig are watching the video.) Jimmy: Manny Santos, my how you've grown. Voiceover: And this time it's gonna cost her dearly. Ms. Santos: (Speaking to Mrs. Santos) You tell that girl this is no longer her home.

Plan: A: a Hollywood actress; Q: What does Manny want to become? A: plastic surgery; Q: What does Manny consider getting after a casting agent criticizes her weight? A: her parents; Q: Who is upset with Manny's decision to get plastic surgery? A: Craig's birthday; Q: What is the reason for Ellie's party? A: Ellie; Q: Who decides to hide the fact that Ashley has a new boyfriend? A: London; Q: Where is Ashley staying? Summary: In her pursuit to become a Hollywood actress, Manny contemplates getting plastic surgery after a casting agent criticizes her weight, and it doesn't sit well with her parents. Meanwhile, it's Craig's birthday, and Ellie decides to hide the fact that Ashley has a new boyfriend and is staying in London.

Dwight: [looking pregnant] Hey Michael? Michael: Yeah. Dwight: Contractions are coming every ten minutes. Michael: OK, just remember to keep breathing. Dwight: My cervix is ripening. Michael: OK, good. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [drawing two family trees on a whiteboard] Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through [draws a question mark] delusion. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Michael! My water's breaking! Michael: Oh, OK! OK! Dwight: Aaaaaaaa! What do you do? What do you do? Michael: I get a call from Jan and I meet her at the hospital. Dwight: Right. Highways or surface roads? Michael: I take Quincy Ave to Gibson. Dwight: No, Gibson is covered in potholes. Your car breaks down. Adapt! Michael: I checked the route - there are no potholes. Come on, get in here and have the baby. Dwight: It's about adapting to the circumstances. Michael: [annoyed] Andy, would you like to have my baby? Andy: Yes! Yeah. [squatting and pushing] Aaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaa! Dwight: No. OK, no. I'm crowning! I'm crowning! Aaaaaaaa! [runs into Michael's office] Michael: All right, OK. [to Andy] Sorry. Sorry. Here we go. Here we go! Dwight: The pressure! The pressure! Michael: Do it! Do it! Scream! Scream it out, scream it out, scream it out. Dwight: Aaaaaaaa! Michael: Aaaaaaaa! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Just keep pushing... Dwight: [lying on Michael's desk] Hold me! Michael: I'm right here. Dwight: Cradle my head! Michael: I'm right here, I'm right here. Dwight: I'm screaming, I'm screaming, I'm screaming! Aaaaaaaa! Michael: [annoyed] All right. Dwight. Just push and breathe. Dwight: Numb me up. I want anesthesia! Michael: Shhh. No, you can't have it. It's too late. Dwight: No! I don't want natural! Michael: No. You have to just push it out! Dwight: OK! Michael: Keep simulating. Dwight: Aaaaaaaa! Michael: OK! Dwight: Do you have the Sharpie?! Michael: Keep simulating. Dwight: Do you have the Sharpie?! Michael: Yes, I do! Dwight: OK! When the baby emerges, mark it secretly in a kind of a mark that only you could recognize and no baby snatcher can ever copy. Michael: OK. Dwight: Ready?! Michael: Yes. Dwight: Aaaaaaaa! Michael: Aaaaaaaa! It's coming! Here we go! [drops the watermelon onto the floor] Oh! God! Wow! What was on that? Dwight: Butter. Newborns are slippery. Michael: Nice touch. Good. Let's try that again. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [eating the watermelon] It is going to be the happiest day of my life. [Dwight gets dressed behind Michael and zips his fly] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hello ladies, how's my shower going? Phyllis, did you get the live storks? Phyllis: No. Michael: Damnit, Phyllis! I'm sorry. [more softly] Damnit, Phyllis. It was hard enough to convince Jan to come. So are we set for refreshments? Angela: Per your instructions, we have the personalized M&Ms with the baby names. This is your boy bowl, with the name "Chevy." And this is the girl bowl, with M&Ms with the name "Astird." Phyllis: That can't be right. Angela: Michael wrote down "Astird." Michael: She said it is the name of a Viking princess. So... Meredith: Ass...turd. Michael: I know. I know. It is beautiful. No. Thank you. Is this it? I mean, is this... Two bowls of M&Ms and some balloons? You know what Phyllis, I think you need to step it up. I think you need to get the lead out. Because if I'm not mistaken, we gave you your wedding shower here. We all came into this room and gave you a golden shower. Well you know what, where's my golden shower, Phyllis? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: It does not matter to me at all whether this baby is biologically mine. I am going to love it. It's like when the dog nurses the tiger cub. Have you seen that video? It is... it's so bizarre and unnatural, but... it, it happens. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Hey, I'm collecting for the baby shower. Kevin: But Phyllis, it's not his baby. Phyllis: I know, Kevin. Oscar: Why do we have to pay money to get a gift for his ex-girlfriend's unborn sperm bank baby? Phyllis: Look at it as if you're paying for the cake, not the baby. Sheet cake. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: I do enjoy being the head of the Party Planning Committee. I'm no longer under Angela's heel, and her little grape head is under mine. Michael: [banging on the glass] Hey, hey. What are you doing? Don't talk to them. Phyllis: Sorry. Michael: Make the party. Don't - make the party, please, Phyllis. [Phyllis starts inflating a balloon with a pump] Pump it! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [on phone] So you know Stacy, right? Jim: Right, the one from England. Pam: There's no one from England, Jim. Katie studied in Ireland - this is Stacy, the one who does the Murakami-style collages. Jim: Oh. Right, that style. Pam: So, Stacy and Eric get to Bogre's DeTech half an hour early so they don't have to sit on the slab. Jim: OK... Pam: Anyway, Bogre's TA Sarah Kaya comes in. Jim: Wait, who's Sarah Kayacombsen? Pam: No, Sarah Kaya comes in. Don't interrupt, I have like thirty seconds to finish this and get to DigiPres. Jim: OK. Pam: So Sarah Kaya says to Eric, "No way. You can't reserve seats." And Stacy gets all up in her face and Sarah Kaya picks up Stacy's new PM pad and throws it at the light box. Jim: [clearly just humoring her] No... way! Pam: Yes! Jim: Ha ha. That's hilarious? Pam: No, it's horrible! Jim, she might get arrested. Jim: Who, Stacy? Pam: No, Stacy is a boy. Ugh. Frustrating. Why can't you just be in art class with me? Jim: Uh... Pam: Oh, wait, I gotta go, class starting. [hangs up] Jim: OK, I'll ta...I'll talk to you later. [hangs up] That was a good story. Dwight: Who's Sarah Kayacombsen? [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Yo. I got the Nard-puppy for ya. What's going on here? Angela: It's a baby game where you guess whose picture is whose. Andy: Awww. Check it out - who would have thought that this little baby would be marrying that little baby? Angela: That's Phyllis. Andy: Well - Angela: Yeah, it is. So I hope you two are very happy together. Pervert. Andy: Why would that make me a pervert, I - Angela: Well, it does. That's me. Andy: That's not you. Angela: Yes it is. Andy: That's mean, come on, that's - [Angela storms out] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Ahoy, matey. Holly: Ahoy. Michael: Ahoy. So, how you doin'? Holly: Good. Michael: Um, listen. Jan Levinson is coming in today, and she is in the terminal stages of her pregnancy - the child of which I have a vested interest. It's all kind of weird. Anyway, she is incredibly... fat and enormous right now - extremely unattractive. And you are, on the other hand, one of the more attractive people in the office. So, while she's here I am going to be acting kind of cold to you. And I am doing this to pay respect to her bloated feelings. And I'm treating Ryan the same way. Holly: Of course. Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They're always complaining. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles, I'm constantly hungry - do you think my nipples don't get sore too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [Jan enters the office, pushing a stroller] Jan. Jan: Hi, Jim! Jim: What do we have here? Jan: This is my baby. Jim: Really... Dwight: Oh no... [Michael enters and notices Jan's baby] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Jan had the baby and Michael wasn't there to mark it. So the baby could be anybody's. Except Michael's. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: So this is Astird. Jan: Astrid. Michael: Oh, OK. Why didn't you call me? Jan: Well, um, you know, labor just kind of started very suddenly and- Michael: I could have helped. Jan: And the birth instructor thought it wasn't a good idea for you to be there, so... Michael: Oh, man. Him? That guy? He had no sense of humor and I proved him wrong in so many ways. Jan: OK, you don't have any idea what I've been through, so, let's... Michael: No, I don't! Jan: I'm sorry, I thought today at the baby shower would be a good time for the two of you to meet. Michael: Can I hold her? Jan: Yes, yes you can. You know, I think, just leave her in the car seat. Yeah. Michael: [cradling the car seat awkwardly] All right, OK. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me, and I think it's because they see me as one of them. But cooler, and with my life put together a little bit. If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war. There would be no government, and things could get terrible. It actually, probably - it would be a better screenplay idea than a serious suggestion. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [carrying the car seat] Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege and honor to present for the first time in her life and in the office[/b]: Assst... Jan: trid. Michael: ...trid Levinson. Hi! Astrid, this is everybody, look. This is your family. You're going to know them for the rest of your life. Jan: Well... Michael: [looking at Creed] Well, he may not be here. Say hello! OK, here we go. [lifting the car seat high above his head] Lion King! Jan: Michael, Michael, Michael, that's... yeah... that's too high. I'll take that. Michael: OK, come on, let's get our shower on. Conference room, choppity chip chop. Holly: You OK? You seem kind of... Michael: [sees Jan sizing up Holly] I'm fine, weirdo. Such an HR weirdo. Try not to suck all the air out of there when you walk in. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Ready to play some games? Let's do it! Kevin: Michael, the baby's already been born. Michael: Uh, duh. Kevin: So we had games planned but the baby ruins all of them. Michael: No, the baby doesn't ruin anything, Kevin, OK? The baby multiplies the fun. Let's just do what you were going to do. Kevin: OK... Who wants to guess when the baby will be born? Michael: All right, how about some presents? I want to see some presents. [holding a memo pad] I got this so I can write down for thank-you notes. Jan: Thank you. That's very sweet of you. Michael: Whatta we got? Angela: Um, we all chipped in and got you this stroller. Michael: Oh! Jan: Thank you. Michael: She already has a stroller. Kelly: And this is way worse than the stroller she came with. Oscar: She's got an Orbit; that's a twelve hundred dollar stroller. Dwight: Huh. Twelve hundred dollars for a stroller? Phhhbt. Michael: OK, what else? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Twelve hundred dollars is what I spent on my whole bomb shelter. For that kind of money, this stroller should be indestructible. [straps the watermelon into the stroller on the elevator] [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: [singing "Son of a Preacher Man" to Astrid] Being good isn't always easy / No matter how hard I try / When he started sweet-talking to me / He'd come and tell me everything is all right / He'd kiss and tell me everything is all right / Can I get away again tonight / The only one... [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hey you! Jim: [on phone] Hey! You busy? Pam: Not even. I'm doing laundry for the first time in like a month. Jim: OK, OK, so you gotta hear this. So, Jan's shower is going on right now, and she's singing "Son of a Preacher Man" and everyone's just staring at her. Pam: I can't hear anything, there's like, there's like machines going- Jim: The song is about losing your virginity next to a church, and guess what - she's been singing for the last twenty minutes! Pam: I can't hear anything! Jim: Oh. OK, well you know what, I um, just call me later. Pam: OK. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I'm not frustrated. Even if I were in Scranton, Jim and I would have days like this. We're just... a little out of sync. You know, that's all. Oh, great. I washed my lipstick. [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: [now belting out the lyrics, even though Astrid is asleep] How well I remember / The look that was in his eyes / Stealing kisses from me on the sly / Taking time to make time / Telling me that he's all mine / Learning from each other's knowing / Looking to see how much we've grown / And the only one... [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [heaving the stroller into a tire yard] Don't hit the fence. Oh no, my child! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [throwing the stroller against a high chain link fence] Don't get stuck on the barbed wire! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [tossing the stroller off a tall heap of tires] Playtime is over! [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: So Jan, tell my intended about the miracle of childbirth. Jan: Well, actually, I, uh, I had a tub birth. And it was really, really quite amazing. Angela: You gave birth in a tub? Jan: Yeah, it's a really nice transition from womb to world, you know, kind of like a big womb. Kelly: Um, so you're in the tub with everything? Jan: Oh, yeah, the afterbirth floats, yeah. Creed: Must be like the tide at Omaha Beach. Jan: Oh no, it's actually really hygienic, Creed. Creed: Ugh. Stanley: I'm done. Oscar: Me too. Jan: And after the birth you get out and deliver the afterbirth. [everyone starts leaving] Michael: Hey! Hey, no no no no no no no no. No. No. This is the birth story. It was beautiful. It was beautiful. This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. And I should have been there. I should have been there to witness this. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I could have helped. Jan: You're sad about this. I know that, and I wish that I... but... would it help if you held Astrid for just a, a little bit? Michael: [smiling] Uh, yeah. Jan: All right. Um, I'm just going to lie down for a couple of minutes. I'm exhausted, so um. Remind me to talk to you about Astrid's 529. Wake me in twenty. Michael: [voiceover] I usually love babies, but when I held Astrid I just felt... shortchanged. Michael: Phyllis? Could you take-. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey guys. Darryl: What's up, Mike? Michael: Uh, I need some advice from one baby daddy to another. Darryl: You a baby daddy? Michael: Yeah, I a baby daddy. Um, when you first became a baby daddy, did you have an immediate connection with that baby? Like, the first time that you held it, did you find that with your baby baby? Darryl: Hell yeah. You know why? Because that was my baby. Michael: I just saw this baby daddy- Darryl: You should stop calling yourself "baby daddy." Michael: Why, Darryl, because I'm quote white quote unquote? Darryl: Because you're not a daddy, and it's not your baby. Michael: Well- Darryl: You feel connected to his baby over there? Michael: It's- that's different. Darryl: You feel connected to this? [hold up his back brace] Michael: That's not a baby. Darryl: You want to hold me, to see how you feel? Michael: [sighs] Could I? Darryl: No. [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: [wakes up on the reception couch] Oh. I was just catching up on my sleep. Holly: I can imagine. Jan: Where's Astrid? Holly: Oh, I think she's on a sales call. Jan: On a what? Holly: Waaa! More paper! Waaa! [she cracks herself up but Jan is unimpressed] No, she's just on a coffee break. Jan: [sarcastically] That's funny. Holly: She's with Angela. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: [with Astrid covered in and surrounded by vegetables on a lunch table] That's good. Now, I need you to - I need it to look up here. Get the baby to look up here, ready? Andy: OK. Yeah. Look at my finger. Look. Looook! Angela: Now. Come on, up here! Andy: Look up here! Angela: Your hand's in it. Andy: What? Sorry. Angela: Yeah, that's a good one. Jan: What are you doing? What's going on? Excuse me. Andy: We're taking a picture. Jan: [picking up Astrid] There you are. Andy: She's nature's bounty. Jan: You don't flash around a newborn baby. Don't you know that? [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: Michael, I need your help. Michael: [sees Holly behind Jan] I was just going to... I was going to talk to Holly, about her hygiene. She smells like old tomatoes and dirt. Jan: Uh... come on. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I like to call this... the bumper test. [drags the stroller behind his car and runs into it several times] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Sure you can't stay a little longer? Jan: Oh, no, Michael, you know what? I really have to go. Michael: All right. All right, everybody, we're leaving. Jan and Astrid are leaving. Jan: You know what, where is the stroller that I came in with? Dwight: Oh. I took the liberty of putting it in your trunk. Jan: Ah. Thanks, Dwight. [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: OK. You know what? There is, uh, there is one more thing that you can do for me. Michael: OK? Jan: Don't date Holly. Michael: Wha - that's, I hate her. Wha - God! Why would you even ask me to - I, I mean, not that it matters, 'cause I don't, but wha - OK, all right, fine. Jan: Thanks for the baby shower. It was great. And I'll see you... soon. Michael: All right. Jan: OK. [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: You still gonna be mean to me? Michael: [just hugs her, and she hugs him back and smiles] You wanna go out? Holly: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I didn't feel much when I held Astrid, but I got a good feeling from Holly. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [on voicemail] Hey, it's Jim. Leave a message. Pam: Hi. Pam: [on voicemail, because she's calling Jim at the same time] Hi, this is Pam. Leave a message. Jim: [walking to his car] Hey, it's me. It is 5:03. Pam: I figured I'd catch you walking to your car, but... Jim: You must be out or something. Pam: I'll leave a message. Jim: Is it me, or are we just a little off today? Pam: I guess this is just one of those days. It'll get better. Jim: Hope you didn't have any major laundry issues. Pam: I finished my laundry. Got all my socks. Nothing like that time that crazy guy pushed you. Jim: Remember that time that I helped you do your laundry and that crazy guy came in and started yelling at you? Pam: And then, remember, we went shopping the next day to buy me a washer and dryer? Jim: Yet here you are, back in a Laundromat. Now, I'm just trying to help you, Beesly. Be safe. Pam: You're probably upset that I'm even at a Laundromat right now. But, don't worry, I'm being safe. And I'm headed home. I'm... headed to my dorm. Not home. Jim: Wish you were home. Uh, anyway... Pam: Anyway, um... I miss you. Jim: I miss you.

Plan: A: Michael; Q: Who practices for the birth of Jan's baby? A: Dwight; Q: Who does Michael have go over birthing scenarios with a watermelon baby? A: the office baby shower; Q: What event does Jan arrive for? A: Astrid; Q: What is the name of Jan's baby? A: Jan's benefit; Q: What does Michael pretend to dislike Holly for? A: their connection; Q: What does Jan sense between Michael and Holly? A: date; Q: What does Jan ask Michael not to do with Holly? A: comfort; Q: What does Michael go to Holly for? A: The separation; Q: What starts to take a toll on Jim and Pam's relationship? Summary: Michael practices for the birth of Jan 's baby by having Dwight go over possible birthing scenarios with a watermelon baby. When Jan arrives for the office baby shower, she has already had baby Astrid, excluding Michael from the process, and he feels disconnected from the baby. Meanwhile, Michael pretends to dislike Holly for Jan's benefit, but Jan senses their connection and asks Michael not to date Holly. Michael goes to Holly for comfort and they agree to date. The separation between Jim and Pam starts to take a toll on their relationship.