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14

So I'm not sure on what I'm supposed to be typing about. What I smell, taste, feel like??? Well I'm chewing gum. I've been chewing it for over like 3 hours now. I hate it when gum starts to get really hard in your mouth. My gum got hard a long time ago. But somehow the flavor is still intact. It's weird though- like with some gum, the flavor is gone after you chew it for like literally 2 minutes. However, I've noticed that Wrigley's chewing gum tends to have flavor for a very long time. There are many pictures on my wall. I stuck all these pics up like 2 days ago. There are pictures of my friends, one of my dog, and one of me and my sis. I don't have one of my family up there. I kind of feel bad in a way. But I don't think it's necessary to have them up on the board. I have a picture of them in my drawer if I ever need to see them. But I think it's better with them in my drawer. Every time I look up at these pictures of all my friends, I miss them like no other. Man, I had so much fun last year, in high school in general. But last year was definitely the best year. Man, me, Caroline, and Shaheen in government and Spanish. Those were some good times. I kind of even miss my teachers. And our elephants and doing SCN all the time. We have so many inside jokes. And although I'm sure I'll see Caroline again, I'm afraid that when I meet her things won't be the same. And for some reason I'm scared of that. I hope I can go to LSU in the spring. Or actually, I hope Caroline can come to Houston for Thanksgiving. Or both would be the best. And we can't forget about going to Europe next summer. I'm so used to traveling with friends because we always went on vacation with Xerx and Zahra. But now with this whole separation thing, I know that our traveling days with the Tegra family are over. Those were some fun trips too. I feel so blessed to have a friend like Xerx. And even Zubin and stuff. People that I've known my whole life. That even know I don't see them too often, when I do, you can tell that there's something there. Like I feel so close to them cause I practically grew up with them and their parents are like my parents. It's a really nice feeling. I'm also blessed for Shenz and the whole family. God, Shenz and Fred really do care about me and Tash like we were their own kids. And just knowing that really means a lot to me. And I hope that mom feels the same way about Zareen cause that would only be fair. So we're talking about fairness in my freshman seminar class and I'm thinking that maybe this class isn't going to be that easy after all. But I love the Professor; we call him Dr. EO. Hahaha, he's really cool. Like I walk into his class and he's like "do you want a drink?" Wow, I was like thinking "what is this?" Oh, and his classroom is in his office which have weird scary looking statues of people's heads. The office kind of reminds me of the The Vinci Code. I don't know why, maybe the whole "Louvre" idea. I always say I hate France and stuff but I really don't. I just think it's kind of funny to say that. But I really don't know why it's funny. But I mean I've said it so many times now that I really think I've instilled the idea into my head. Like I really don't want to travel to France in the summer. But I mean if Caroline wants to, then I really don't care. I think I'm pretty easy going when it comes to life. Like about my grades- I mean if I don't so well in college, what's going to happen to me? I mean, I'm still going to get a job and all, hopefully get into a good grad school. But I mean if for whatever reason I don't, then I think I'll be ok. I mean, it's not like I'm going to die or anything. Plus, if I have my own family then I don't think I'll be able to work and have the kids and stuff. Man, it's a complicated issue. We got a phone in our room, the same one I had in my room at home. But I haven't used it once here. If anything, Jennifer has used it way more than me. Man, I haven't even given anyone the number to this phone cause I don't want them calling in case they call when I'm not here and then have to talk to Jennifer. I'm not sure what I'm more afraid of, them talking to Jennifer or Jennifer talking to them. No, but Jennifer's really cool. But so is Joanna's roommate. Man, I wish I had a roommate like her. Dude, me and Jennifer need to start hanging out more often. But I never want us to have the same friends. John is one of Jennifer's friends. Majoring in Japanese and stuff. Wow, that's cool, especially since he's white and all. I've always wanted to take some random language like Japanese. I don't know, it's like you gain more respect if you fluently learn a language that is so not from where you are. Like me learning a African language and spe

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College is a lot different that I thought it would be. Things are not as simple as they use not be. Individuals on campus tend to be greatly deceiving in appearance and motives. Walking down jester I see about five people at once trying to get me to join their particular club or organization. Man I don't know if I want to join a sorority or not, and if I do i'm not sure which one to join. there are so many different ones with unique styles. Not to mention that I would feel bad if I don't at least go to the meetings. mainly because my sister co founded the delta in houston. but the one in austin is not the same in activities and purpose. The ones at Ut are mainly all about parties. I need to find out what we are all doing tonight. if we go clubbing I need to find out who all is driving and how I am getting everywhere. I hate this about Austin no one really has a car and it is so inconvenient to go out. Of course unless you find a guy with a car. but I doubt that will happen any time soon more importantly I don't even want to find a guy right now. I need to deal with getting use to college life and then I need to just have fun I guess. I have so much more freedom here, there is no one to enforce strict curfew, or make you do anything. Everyone at UT is on their own and self reliant and self dependent. although it might sound scary at first it is a rush to have so much space to grow. Not only that but you meet people and they can impact your life in ways you would of never imagined, and that is what I love the most about this experience. I would contend that college life is definitely a once in a lifetime opportunity, and I am grateful to have the chance. I can't wait until college really starts and I get the hang of it all. When things are new it takes a while to get use to it but soon enough I hope I get the hang of it all. The atmosphere here unlike any other I have ever been in and I believe that is a good thing. Change brings about bigger and better opportunities. Not to mention that my parents are not here. The main reason that I even decided to go to the University of Texas is to be away from home. I need to me away from the usual drama of living at home. The only thing here is that the penalty can be a lot more serious for things you get in trouble for. I hope we don't in too much trouble for being at the wrong place at the wrong time, on Tuesday. Man if they call my parents I will be in so much trouble it is not even funny. They are going to kill me and then make me go back to the University of Houston which I swore I would never do.

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well, write now I guess there are a lot of things going through my head, but it's hard for me to put them into words I guess. well I had fun last nite. i went to a party witha bunvh of friends. a lot of people were drinking, but iwas one of the few that wasn't drinking. it seemed like everyonw who was drinking had fun, but I had fun, even though I didnt drink. i had fun just dancing an d meeting people. i met a lot of guys, which wus good. since I usually am kinda shy bout meeting peopple. anywyas. i'm really tired right now, because we only went to sleep around 6, even though we came home around 430, and I had to get up at 11 because a friend from out of town styed over, so I had to help them pack and get ready to leave and stuff. gosh, I lkie so many guys right now, but I think that my other friends like the sme guys that I like, or at least they think he's cute too, but I don't know what to do aobut it. oh well, I guess I'll jus have to figure somthing out. man, I have a lot of homework to do today. actually I need ot catch up on my reading. i have a lot of reading to do in this class, then I have chem homework and calculus homework. i'm so lost in my chem class. well, not lost, but I wish I knew someone else in that class, so I could at leasst have someone to do homework with or jus to call if I had any questions, buti guess I should just start meeting people in there, or someting, because I really need to find a study buddy in there. I think that's my only class that I don't know anyone in. i have friends in my language class, and in my calculus class and in my psych class. i just don't kno anyone in my chem class. but hopefully that will change soon. oh today either my roomate's dad or my dad called today, but this guy that was in our room picked up the phone, and our partents are really strict about guys, so I hope I don't get in trouble. the guy who picked up the phone covered it up pretty well, but then we expected our parntets to call again, but no one ever called, so I kinda got worried, that they would think that we have guys in our room. oh well, I think I may be getting worried over nothinh. because they probably wont even say anyting, or even know. oh well. oh, I have a minute left in my writing assigment, so I guess that's it

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Right now I am feelng a bit anxious to be done with this writing assignment. I don't think I have ever written for 20 minutes straight and I don't know if I can do it. I feel full because I ate a big lunch and I am looking forward to being done with all of my homework so I can sleep good tonight. I feel relaxed and stress free and it probably has to do with the fact that I have been sitting down in front of my computer for several hours now doing my own thing. That is, anything I want to and not things that I need to get done. I feel good after doing my own thing because I don't feel commited to anyone or anything. Okay, 5 minutes have passed. I can't do this. What am I going to type about? I don't know how to describe the way I feel or my sensations. This assignment is a trick isn't it. It is meant to show that there is no way to express them and you just feel them internally. Oh boy, I am excited about the coming week because I just joined one of the choirs here at UT and I can't wait to practice. Music makes me feel good and I love to sing. Singing takes me away from all the daily stresses of this world and helps me appreciate the finer things in life. Also, there is a girl I met in the music school that I might get to see when I go to choir. She is nice and I wouldn't mind talking to her and getting to know her better. I am know thinging about Maryann. I don't know why but maybe because the girl at the music school has brunette hair just as Maryann has. I wish I would have told Maryann the way I felt about her along time ago. The choir director is really nice. She took time to audition me with on days notice and accepted me without many questions asked. I don't know anyone in choir and I hope I make friends in there pretty quick. In fact, I don't know many people here at UT yet. I feel lonely when I eay along or I don't have anything to do on weekends. It is different from back home when I could call one of my friends up and we would just hang out together. I am now thinking about my weight. I just lost a lot of weight and I want to make sure I keep it off. Eating here at Jester is tempting to get a lot of food because it is all you can eat. If I gain weight. I am going to feel down about myself again and that is absolutly what I don't wat. The pastor this morning was powerful and I liked EVFREE all together. I will probably visit Grace Bible next week but I anticipate I will join EVFREE. They have great worship there and I like the pastor. Their first service will take awhile to get used to because it is so traditional, but I know I can handle it. I think that church would be a great place to grow as a Christian and meet other Christians. I hear Chris' voice in the hall and I am thinking about him rollerblading and the cop telling him to take the rollerblades off and walk home. That's funny. Okay. i have 7 minutes left. I can do this. Wow. time flies when you are typing about your feelings. Now I am thinking about my roommate Mike. I am wondering what he thinks about me. I don't know if he is mad at me for anything or if he likes me. I hope he likes me because I want to be able to get along with the person I am living with. I hope to be a witness to him this year and maybe he will accept Christ soon. That would be great and I want God to do that through me. I feel so sorry for Bernie right now. She has the problem with Aaron and she doesn't know what to do about it. I wish Aaron would grow up and realize that he needs to back off. He's been ticking me off lately. It makes me mad when I think about him and I'm mad now. Why does he act like a baby and whine to everyone? Why can't he take things like a man. All he has been doing is whinning to Bernie and telling her how "he gets lonely eating by himself everyday" and trying to make Bernie feel sorry for him. AH! Three more minutes! I'm excited. I didn't think I could do this but it went by really fast. I am not looking forward to doing laundry this weekend. I have never done laundry in my entire life and I really don't know how to. What if I turn my clothes different colors? What if I have to buy all new clothes because I messed up on the laundry? Ooo. i'm worried about that. It is so cool that I found all these old Nintendo games on the internet that I can play in my spare time. I haven't played some of those games in 10 years and they bring back good childhood memories. My email program just dinged so I have email which is very exciting. I can't wait to read it. It is now time for me to stop writing so this is it. I leave with a good feeling of anticipation.

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Well I finally found the website for this place, and now Im not really sure what to say. Im sitting at my desk, and my room seems really warm. Im also very angry at my roommate Katie right now. Sometimes she just isnt very considerate of other peoples feelings. I signed up for an experiment thing in my CSD class, and I have no idea where the room is! All it said was Totten and the time and I have no idea what that means. I hope my teacher explains it closer to the time. Oh I also have to sign up for the experiment for this class too. I almost forgot! The ink on my hand is already wearing off, I should go write down the time on paper when Im done with this. I really like the class though, except my teacher is boring. But its cool because I want to major in communications. The lady from there never called me back! I should call her again soon. Well maybe I can get the application online or something. I wonder whats going on with the guys next door. They're always coming over here to say hi. I think Im going to ask Vinay if he wants to do his calculus homework with me! Hes pretty smart, and maybe he can help me. Poor Kris. I can't believe hes sick now because of me! I hope hes feeling better. This chair is really nice! Yesterday was pretty scary, I get really nervous about stuff like that. The bells at the Tower were really pretty though when they were playing God Bless America. I guess its a pretty historical moment, and Im glad I was here for that. Even though this wasnt my first choice I guess its ok. Its kind of big, but maybe I need that. Wow its been 8 minutes already. I don't know if this is due by 5 today. wait what is today. Ok I ha 3 classes so its Thursday and oh ok Sept 13. Thats tomorrow. This is crazy. I should get started on that map too. I wonder who will be analyzing this, or if it even gets analyzed. Yeah I bet it does. Why else would I be writing it. I think it said it was going to give me a printout of what I wrote and something else too. an analysis? I don't think a computer could do that. Wow tomorrow is friday already yay I get to see all my friends back home! I have to go see Peter and see how Forbidden Gardens is! He said hes still going to work there until the end of the year I think. I wonder what college he'll end up going to. He could get into Princeton, I hope he does. If not hs coming to UT so that'll be cool. Uh I can't believe this morning! Im so mad at her! I wonder when shes getting back! Should I act mad or just let it go? Its probably better if I tell her. Yeah I will. I think its bad to keep your emotions bottled up inside for a long time, or at all. Simply type continuously tracking your thoughts and feelings for the entire 20 minutes. I guess Im doing that. Kind of just whatever pops into my head. Oh feelings. wasnt I supposed to write about my surroundings too. I hate messing up and having to backspace! Well I still feel warm, but not as much, it was probably because I had just gotten home and had walked outside a lot. I wonder what chapter Im supposed to be on for this class. Oh man Chapter 2. Ok well I have 1 done so that shouldnt be too hard. Those notes took me forever! I need to think of a faster way. Well I could highlight like in my geography book, but I think I might want to keep my psychology book maybe for future reference or something. I hope nothing happens today! Thats just really scary, and who was it that told me that something would probably be hit today since everyone expected it yesterday. Its hard to type out all my feelings because I think faster than I type, so as soon as I think something, I start typing, but then my thoughts switch, so a lot isnt being recorded. Plus I think my mind doesnt complete thoughts all the time, so maybe Im not really recording exactly how I think. Hmm. gosh Im hungry. That breakfast was really good this morning! I thought it was going to be weird since I went down there by myself but everyone was there by theirselves. Thier Theirselves. that doesnt look right. Hey I have 45 seconds left. Uh! As soon as I finished writing that the time was already off. This is annoying. Ok well I guess Im almost done, this was pretty cool, it will be interesting to see what I actually wrote nonstop for 20minutes.

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I am thinking right now that this is kind of difficult. I don't want everyone to know my personal thoughts. I guess I have to do it anyway to make a good grade on this. I need to get everything done so that I can go home. I have to clean my room and do the psychology experiment, which takes a long long time. I don't know what to expect from it either. Oh well, it's required so I am going to do it. I can't wait to go home because when I do I get a snow cone. That might sound juvenile to be happy about something like that, but there are a lot of people who like them. I especially like pink lemonade with ice cream in the middle. I think I might get that. I always get it though. I guess I don't like to try new things. This is actually kind of fun. My friend Monica is in this class too. Are ya'll going to take off for backspaces? I don't even know if ya'll can see when we erase stuff. I am a fast typer, but I make a lot of mistakes. That's why I am saying that I erase. My friend Monica also made me a cd. It's really good. It's funny because it has songs on it that apply to my life. Well not necessarily my life, but a boy in my life. I'm very confused about him. I'm not saying that he is gay. I just don't know what to do. It seems that I have been thinking and talking about him all the time. I e-mailed him and everything. I think that if you think about something too much it gets boring after awhile. You just confused yourself even more. What happened with him is that we liked each other, but I didn't know what I wanted from our relationship and so I guess I got scared. Now I don't know what to do. I always say that if it is meant to be it will be later. God is the only one that knows the future. That's what I don't like. I wish I just knew all the answers to everything. Man I just lost my train of thought. That's not cool. Anyway this writing assignment is pretty easy. I think it helps to get things out. We think a lot. Gahlee. My grammar is bad. Oh well, it doesn't really matter. Let me think of something else to talk about. Hmmmmm, I guess I can talk about my room mate. Maybe tell stories. Not bad ones of course. I'll write down how we met. I was really afraid that I would be shy at orientation since I was in high school. High school was crap. I wasn't made fun of and stuff. I was just ready to get out of there. I went to orientation and she was my roommate there because we are both in Preview which is a group that takes summer school and they pay for everything except for $350 of it. It actually helps you a lot. You get 6 hours of credit for $350 and you make a lot of friends. That's actually where I met that guy. Monica and I got a long really well. It seems that we are exactly alike. That's really cool. She lives in San Antonio. Well, she is from there she lives here. Ok so we met and I was pretty outgoing which is a good thing. I have changed a lot. I changed when I got here. I think that is weird because usually it takes me a long time to get used to a place. You get off track in these things easily. I was just thinking a second ago about how I went to my pal teacher's class and it threw me off. I thought of it because I talked about how different it has been coming here. My friend and I went to her class so that we could see her and she ended up making us talk about college. I miss Pals so much. It was a lot of fun just really difficult sometimes. It was kind of like Preview in a way. People could get in your business easily. I can't stand it when people don't mind their own business. That's funny because I am really nosey myself. Not in the sense that I like to learn everything about everyone's personal lives just that I am curious about everything. I really like this cd. She did a good job. Daniel, Monica's b/f is coming to visit her this withe. I hope that ya'll know what b/f and withe mean. Monica really likes him I think. He seems like a really sweet guy. The guy that I like is sweet too. I haven't even said his name yet. I guess I should but somethings need to remain private. Then again it's not like ya'll would know who he is. Awww friends are friends forever. I love this song. It's so sweet. Man my time is almost up that's not fun. I like doing this. I'm singing in my head. I would type that out but it would take too long. I wonder who else likes this song.

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what to write? I am happy right now because I just got a phone call from a frat that I am going to join. we are having a get together tomorrow and there are going to be strippers! that should be cool. but I don't know what to wear. I always get nervous about what I should wear. I hope my girlfriend does not find out, even though I will probably tell her, and she'll probably get mad like she sometimes does. I wonder when clay is coming home? we have to work out tonight, and I still have a lot of Persian how to do. my throat feels better today than it has all weekend. I was really sick for the last three days so I stayed home and watched the 30th anniv. of Planet of the Apes. that was a good movie. I have never seen any before and now I want to go buy the whole set because it was so good. but I need to get my job first and save up my money for headshots, an agent, then I can buy crap like new clothes and videos and cds. I can't wait until tomorrow, it is going to be so much fun! I hope that I feel okay. I feel better today but tomorrow I need to be totally healthy. I hope I did one of those things where I got sick at a good time so I didn't miss anything important. This writing takes forever, I have other stuff I need to do to. Oh, well, it's for science. I m bored. my eyes are drying out from looking at the computer screen. when is clay going to get back? I also have some theater homework I need to do. I am so tired, maybe I should just forget the how and go to bed early so I feel good tomorrow. yeah then I could fail all my classes and get kicked out of UT. that would suck. I did nothing today. it was a relaxing though somewhat boring day. but I needed it because I have been sick all weekend. I have been able to start smoking again, but I really should quit sometime soon. I am tired, it's hard to focus. I guess my body has been working over time to kill this damn disease I got. I need to call laila, I miss her. maybe we could all play solarquest. my neck is stiff but I still have 10 minute to write. this takes forever. I wonder when it is due? I heard the 11th but I am not so sure. I wonder what the other assignment is about. I hope it is not like this. , I have a lot to do tonight but I must be in bed by 12. I need all the sleep I can get. I am tired. this is really starting to bore me. what is the point? write down every thought you think. seems creepy. I hope who ever reads this one is laughing and enjoying themselves. some how I doubt it. this is not very funny--it would be though, if I could say it. I hope no one minds all the hundreds of mistakes I made, and if they do, who cares? what are they going to do? put in computer jail? Someone I knew said that all the time. but I can not remember who. I miss Joann. I wonder how she is doing at Sam Houston state. I also miss jena, I really hope I see her before she goes and flies off to Germany. I hope her life is not hard, and I wish here and michael all the best. my ear hurts. four minutes left. I was beginning to feel trapped in time. stuck forever by this computer typing away through all eternity. I am really tired, but I am glad I got this one out of the way. just a couple of minutes left. that woman at the dinner was so weird. and what about her HUGE 2 year old? that was scary, but so is "Walt" so I guess it is okay. Well time has run out and now it is time to go. that took forever.

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"no, I don't want your number, no, I don't want to give you mine and no, I don't want to meet you somewhere, no, I don't want none of your ti-ime. " (the song that is in my head) I am worried that I lost a green piece of paper, among other things. sigfried and roy. I am eating wheat thins. zucini. go fly a kite. there is an antropology major on this floor. my back itches. 'she sells sanctuary'. my roomate talks, talks, talks. my philosophy prof. likes to drop the chalk. "no, nosy-girl, go look at the door" (that's what I just said) she's a hobbit-girl. I like it when people breakdance. I regret that I have only one blah to give for my country. all my friends talk about is records and porn. I'm trying to hide the fact that I like ska and very confused about what I should be. I only pretend to know everything, really I don't believe anything. it's easier that way. I don't like pepsi. ut gives me pimples and blisters. I don't want to get my wisdom teeth extracted because I don't want to like medicine. I'm black at night and white during the day, my door says so. I'm thinking that I may have a vague headache. my eye don't want to be open. dammit I'm not thinking about anything at all. chicken coops and grey days. saris. "rollercoaster of love" they don't make beef alphabet soup anymore and that sucks. red old shack and a cow in the back. my roomate has a lumpy forehead and she prays funny. blah blah blah. saturn is my favourite planet. "the faces she's watching, she's watching the faces. "

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Life is so strange. For instance today I saw someone who lives right next to me that I haven't seen since I was in my hometown. I don't get guys at all. Why is it that guys can act so uninterested and be so rude? It's strange because if a girl likes a guy she thinks about him and talks to her friends about him and can't wait to hear from him, but guys act like they could care less and don't even call you for acouple of days and don't think anything of it. Why is that? When I have been talking to a guy and he doesn't call me it makes me feel unwanted and I tend to get pissed off. I miss my best friend in the whole world. He is at Rice and my friend and I went and saw him last weekend but ever since I saw him I have been missing him more because I guess I remembered how much he ment to me. The whole thing with this guy I'vebeen talking to is that he doesn't act interesting and because of it he makes me question myself and has caused me to be homesick and yern for letters and calls from my parents and all of my friends from back home. It's strange how certain things trigger you to feel a certain way. I've been eating a lot of sweet stuff today and I've decided that once you've tasted something sweet you keep craving more until you're out of it or you leave the room. My roommate is nice, but she and I have a wierd relationship. We get along fine, but she isn't what I would call a good friend. That is one of the reasons I am never in my dorm room. Why is it that people can be so mean to eachother? I don't like to be mean to other people especially if I don't know them but there are peole out there who will be maen and not even care about it. I also don't get why friends think they should lie to eachother. As a friend you're supposed to be there for someone no matter what, but if your friendis lying to you it makes it so much harder to forgive them once you find out. Some of my closest friends did this to me and now because ofit I don't even associate with them. I don't understand why people feel theneed to drink all the time also. Who says that in order to have a good time we must drink. I met this guy yesterday at dinner who asked my friend and I if we drank and continued to tell us how stupid it was because as children we have fun and do things just because, but as adults we must get dunkk in order to have a good time. I have never felt that I could justify drinking and I still don't. I have drank a few times but just as an experiment, not every weekend. It is crazy to me the number ofpeople who drink on a regualr basis. My friend at Rice has been known to drink and that bothers me considerably because I don't want to seem him get addicted or get hurt. His father has a drinking problem and I worry that will have an effect on him. My friend Cassie is so sweet we have just recently become good friends and we have so much fun together. She is one of those people who could care less what others thought so she just says "hi" to people on the street. THat's one of the reasons I enjoy her so much is because she makes me feel like it's ok to just be nice and friendly to everyone and not worry whether or not htey think I'm crazy for doing it or not. My mother get's on my case about everything and nags me all the time. I know she's just trying to look after me and keep me safe, and it doesn't help that I'm an only child but, sometimes I can't handle all of her questions and concerns. I wish she'd just relax and let me live. Don't get me wrong she's the greatest and I wouldn't change her for anything I just think it's time to start seperating what she thinks I should do and what I want to do. Life is funny we go through it trying to make something of ourselve and live up to everyones standards when really we should just live up to our own and try and be happy and make some great friends along the way and hopefully help a fewpeople along the way. Like yesterday I was walking and this guy in a wheelchair was trying to wheel himself up a hill and he was strugglinng. somone asked him for help and he accepted. More people in the world should just do little acts like that that help one person out so they don't have to struggle so much.

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As I listen to this music I think about when I was younger, when I had a friend named Casey. But is she still my friend, or not? What about Joanna, she thousands of miles away in Korea. I really don't know what I feel for her. I want to be with her, but I don't think as much as she does with me. I feel guilty, but what have I done to her, I have been there for her, drove her around, let her cry in my arms. I must sound shallow, maybe not, I really don't know. Is she the one, I really don't know how to answer this question. What happens next, if she moves back, then she will probably live with me. I don't know if I can handle that. I have started talking to Heather, she is very sweet, but is just someone to latch on to or is she really special. It started out harmless enough, but we have really started talking, and I really like her, as much as Joanna I really can't say, shouldn't I be worried more about school, I have astronomy homework due Friday. I feel like I can almost tell when Heather is going to call or come in. right now she is one of my best friends, in a world that is new to me. in fact since I have been here, the best friend I have had. Heather has a very sweet personality and a good understanding of people. much like many people I have met, good or bad I really can't say. sometimes I catch eyes with her and my heart takes a drop, a feeling that I haven't had in a long while. that really feels good, it opens you back up, makes you feel good, alive, a purpose. if I do break it off with joanna, what will happen, will that be a big mistake what if she is the one. how can break it off with someone who is in Korea, that is cruel, she hasn't done anything to me, I haven't done anything to her though. you get to a point where living life in a certain way or doing something in a certain way is just not right anymore. or doesn't seem right, being or I am really not with her, just doesn't seem right. but if I am not with her anymore will it not seem right in that respect also. this subject is really what I hide from in life, am a an asshole, or I am just telling the truth to myself, I mean after all the school saying or whateveris YE SHALL TELL THE TRUTH AND THE TRUTH SHALL MAKE YOU FREE is the truth making me free or tearing me apart, I think I do love joanna, that is the bummer part, but to go into it with the scales tipped is just wrong, maybe I am wrong, I really don't know

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7

Okay, I'm not quite sure what to write. I'm sitting in the undergraduate library right now because I can't get my computer at home to get internet access. It is a pain to have to have to come all the way down here to use the computer, but on the other hand it's good because while I'm here I'm going to study some other class materials. Maybe coming to the library will motivate me to keep up with my studies. It's ten minutes until 9pm on Sunday and I can't wait to go to bed! I just got done working out and I am already a little sore. I had a good day today, I did a little shopping this afternoon, and then I got to see my parents. They were driving through Austin on their way home, San Antonio, from Fort Worth. We went to dinner and got to visit for a little while. I was happy to see them, but a little sad because the reason they went to Fort Worth was to see my grandmother, my mom's mom. She has breast cancer and isn't doing as well as we'd like. She's especially nervous today because she starts radiation all over again tomorrow. It's kind of tough to think about this because my mind starts to wander and start asking thousands of "what if" questions. What if she passes away? What is my grandfather going to do? How will my family survive? Luckily enough, my family is very close, so I know that everyone will find the support they need, but there is still no way to prepare yourself for these things. My mom says that she's more worried about how my two sisters and I are going to be when my grandfather on my dad's side passes. He's only 69 years old, but he has diabetes and doesn't take care of himself like he should. My body is weak right now, mainly from working out, but I can't help but notice that I feel like my body is "sunken" since I started talking about death. You'd think that I would talk about something cheerful, especially since I am a pretty cheerful person. I guess I just need to talk about my fears for a while. Well, the rest of my life is going well. I transferred here from Texas Tech and I am adjusting to UT and Austin pretty well. I definitely miss my friends from Tech, but I can always visit them. I'm in an incredible relationship with my best friend. Mark and I have been together for close to two years now. It's an amazing thing to find true love. It's kind of scary to think that this is probably going to be the guy I spend the rest of my life with, but without a doubt I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him. I feel like just yesterday I was starting high school, and here I am in my second year of college. God has given me some incredible attributes. I think I look up to my parents a great deal. They have been married for over twentyfive years and are going strong. It's an amazing thing to grow up in such a loving and supportive household. I think the most amazing part, is that the love and support does not end with my immediate family, it travels throughout my entire family: aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins. If you can't tell already, family is definitely number one in my book, and it will continue to be that way. Well, I have rambled on and on for the past twenty minutes so it is time to go study and read.

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24

This is different, I always thought stream of consciousness was a writing style, I never knew it had a basis in psychology. Should I used punctuation, I don't think my thoughts are punctuated. These must be horribly boring to read, the most eclectic thought process and there is that annoying girl with loud voice. And my girlfriend wants to read these, but I don't want her to, she didn't listen to me, how rude. She never listens, just constantly does what she wants, and complains. If she reads this now, she will be understandably upset. We moved down to Texas together from Northeastern University in Boston and its been more stressful than I had imagined. I was the impetus behind our transfer and feel some guilt whenever she doesn't enjoy something, and constantly want her to have a great time, even though I share some of her misgivings. Although I have to say the campus is great, the school is good, and I enjoy going to class; however, UT did not match up to my expectations. Its a tier one school and I expected more, I can detect little difference between here and Northeastern, except Northeastern has more money. Do we compare our writings at the end of the year and look at how are thoughts have changed as we have become more integrated into the school? I hope not, I hope there is some more interesting point to this class. Or maybe, this class will give me a greater ability to analyze the writing which will lead to a deeper understanding of my self. My girlfriend is so stubborn she takes so long to come to the obvious conclusions. She can't study because of the loud girl with the annoying voice and I told her to go to the library and I would join her in twenty minutes, but no, she would rather suffer. Maybe she knows I feel guilty when she does not enjoy something and wants to punish me in some way, or maybe she just wants to be near me. Or maybe she is afraid of change. I heard yawns signal the body is preparing for a change in action or state of being, maybe that is accurate, never heard that before and it doesn't occur in all situations. I did an internship at Northeastern and I hated it, that made me focus a lot more on school. I was always disorganized and rarely put effort into school, after that experience however, I want to get the best grades I can and the widest range of academic experience. I feel that the more ways I learn of analyzing a situation, the more thought processes, the better I will be able to deal with the real world and whatever I want to do. Mostly right now I want to be a trader, a hedge fund manager, be wealthy. Predominately to have security and independence. Not have to worry about work and do whatever I enjoy. I think that would be economics, write essays on economics, and that ties in with trading and hedge funds, so it is not far. I also am interested in politics and think about running for congress. This paper clearly alters my thought process, I don't lay myself out every time I think, it has an artificial quality to it. Although, in class you said one way to deal with depression and change was to right about it, maybe this homework assignment is a self-help exercise. How come women care more about the personal life and thoughts of other people than men, in general, not every woman. I assume that someone else wants privacy and to be treated with respect but women always want to know what is going on and pry into it. People are interesting to watch though, but there is a lot of commonality in all human actions. People tend to do similar activities, not exact activities, but similar. Groups of people tend to act in similar fashions. That loud girl left, its so much quieter here. I don't know when I am going to graduate, but Ill have 87 credits after this term, and six months of an internship experience, crazy. At some point I need to graduate, that'll be exciting but nerve racking. I'm mostly worried about paying bills and saving for retirement and college for children. Its insane I worry about that, I'm 20, not 40. But being interested in finance makes me think about that now, and how important the first few years in and after college are. Since money in the stock market will double roughly every 7. 2 years on average, its important to start early for retirement. What about all the people in less developed countries, specifically third-world countries. We should do more to help them, humanity only has itself to support it, we shouldn't exploit each other. I wonder what the world would be like if people were able to look beyond the immediate future and into the next 10-20 years. They would see its in their best interest to help those less fortunate. Ending slavery and instituting a minimum wage has caused real wealth to increase, not decrease and society is more stable. Imagine how much better the world would be if everyone had a stable society, could go to college, contribute to humanity and become consumers. There would be more technological advancements, real wealth would increase faster, I'm sure we would find new problems, but things would be better. I'm not sure multilateralism is the answer, institutions do impinge upon our sovereignty, but they are better than a single hegemonic power trying to control the world. There aren't any attractive girls in here, besides my girlfriend. I wonder what that says about the business school atrium at 6 o'clock on a wednesday. Not a happening spot perhaps? Although there a ton of people here for the cash flow casino. 20 minutes, sweet, I can do other homework. See you Friday.

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1

The past two weeks have been extremely stressful. There has been so much going on, it has been hard for me to keep up with school work. I have not found much time for me to go out and relax. Although, I believe that the stress I have encountered is being relieved. As the school year progresses I think I will be able to juggle school, work and my friends. I have been getting a lot sleep. Even though I get plenty of sleep I still wake up in the mornings feeling tired and worn out. I don't know why, but I think I might be because I have been getting too much sleep! I think that is one of the main reasons I haven't been keeping up with my school work. This might also be the reason why I am stressed out. I have been so busy trying to catch up with the reading in philosophy. I went through provisional so I did not really get a summer vacation. So I want to slack off, but I know I cant. I do believe as time progresses I will be less stressed.

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19

I have just gotten off the phone with brady. I'm trying to decide what exacly we will do this weekend. he wants to go to a hotel, but I know I have to babysit and I'm not sure exactly how I will tell my dad to pick us up from here. My birthday is this weekend, and it doesn't really even feel like it. I don't really mind, but I have a feeling Brady probably won't do much for it. I almost feel like I'm always doing something for him. I should, I really care about him. He says he will pay for the hotel, but I don't really want that for my birthday. I'ts just not htat important to me. I feel guilty today for lying to my dad about gettin gout of the TIP program. I know that sometimes I have to lie about things like that in order for them to understand. I haven't heard from my mom so I'm not sure if she's mad at me or not. She probably doesn't care, but when she does find out she will freak. I wish Brady would pay more attention. He tries so hard, but it doesn't seem like he has the chance to do so. I need to work out. I'm feeling that although I don't weigh that much my weight is getting out of control. Perhaps I'm overreacting. Kristen and I went shopping yesterday. I really don't plan on shopping anymore. Yikes. We don't really need anything anyways. I need a strapless bra though. I'm surprised I didn't get one. oh well. I wish I could figure out what to do on Friday with Brady. I want Kristen to be able to hang out with us too. He's concerned that I tell her too mucha bout our personal life, but I really don't. Dana kind of pisses me off. Why is everyone so negative about a caring relationship? She's probably just jealous, she hasn't been able to keep a guy at all for a long time. I'm concerned for her because I don't want her to be doing drugs anymore, but she probably is. She has too much sex too. lol. It's hard to not be concerned with what your friends are doing. Kristen is surprisingly very understanding to everything that's going on in my life. She's caring and funny to be around. I wasn't sure what to expect since she's friends with Kristin, Hayley etc. They apparently aren't waht I expected them to be. They play if off to be all God-like, when in all realtiy they judge pretty much everyone. I don't think that is right. Although I'm not that religious, I do care about God and don't think that those kinds of behavior are fair. I'm looking att he picture of Brady and me. Kris was kind of weird about the whole boyfriend thing. I hope that brady and I last. I would do anything to spend the rest of my life with him. I care about him so much, and the distance hurts. I think it isi probably for the best though. I can't imagine having to go to school with him. His roommates aren't as crazy as I thought, but bad enough. I jut hope that he doesn't get heavy into drinking,a nd I don't assume he will. Sarah is a bitch, I can't believe she comes off like taht. ugh, it really bothers me. I wonder what it's like at home without me there. My mom is making a big deal about me not calling, but in all honesty I just don't care. I don't know why I'm so unfeeling lately. It's probably because I'm about to start my period. maybe I'll skip it this month, in fact I probably will. I don't usually have allergies, but for some reason my eyes keep tearing. It's either my contacts or allergies. I just changed my contacts though. I really have to pee. The eyes watering is a little embarrassing. Sometimes I wish I coiuld do more. I kind of wish I woul dhave rushed to be in a sorority. I feel as though I ahve no friends because I have lost them to brady. Should I go to florida with my parents during spring break or should I spend time with Brady instead? Maybe I could make money babysitting. That would be nice. I hope my parents aren't mad because I want to babysit on Saturday instead ofdoing my birthday thing. I don't see why it would be that big of a deal, but apparently it is. I kind of want to go tanning, but it's not good with my current skin situation and whatnot. that reminds me of richard rush. I wonder how he is doing. Spoiled brat. I'm really hungry too. I'm not sure what I'm going to eat, but I wish Kristen would get here so taht we can go eat. That would be really good. lol. I'm hoping that I won't look old when I'm 25 or so. Heck, I don't even know what I want to do with my life. I almost feel as though if I marry Brady will accomplish everything. I want so badly to be with him forever. NO one understand me like he does. I wish I had saved myself for him, like he did for me. How is he able to only commit to me? I must care about him so much that he feels like he should. I'm glad that I've gotten to know hhis family a lot better. his mom is honestly really nice to me, and I don't ahve a problem with her anymore. It would be awesome to be ilke paris hilton. She's has it really good. I wonder what it would be like if my parents lived more like they should. They are always trying to save money when in reality being multi-millionaires does not mean that you should only do that. Perhaps it's a shock from the inheritance or something. I don't know. It's confusing to me. Ok, this is getting old. I'm a little tired of writing. It's probably because I'm hungry. I'm a little confused as to what I should study here at school. I've had an interst in psychology, but do I really want to do that for the rest of my life. I know it doesn't just end here, but I feel as though there aren't many options when it comes to what I can do with my life. yay, kristen got back and we can go eat now. My time is almost over. I'm about to pee in my pants too. AHHHHH!!!!! some people try to hard

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31

Well, I figured I should write this right now while I have time. I am really busy lately. It kind of seems like I have no time for myself anymore. I am trying out for crew. There are a lot of people trying out though. I think like 130 people are going for 32 spots. I hope I make it though because I don't deal well with failure. I tried out for the soccer team and did not make it, but that was a little unfair because I did not know the work out to prepare for and everyone else did. So now everyone probably thinks I just wasn't good enough when that really was not the reason. I was just too exhausted after running to play with any skill. Oh well. I guess it taught me how to cope with failure. But it really hurts every time I fail. I tried to get into the business school and was denied. That got me so mad. There are all of these total morons in the business school. I know because I take classes with them and always make better grades than them. But alas, they can do what they want with their lives they entered right out of high school. Oh well. I am still going pre-law so it doesn't matter. Unfortunately my roommate and a lot of my friends are in it, so it is a constant reminder that I did not get in. But I think that all of this just makes me a stronger person. I am trying to be really involved this year. I am lifeguarding for the rec center. It is kind of fun, but I kind of dread going to work all the time. I just seem to have a lot of things on my plate. I had a fight with my boyfriend the other day. I am not sure if it was his fault or if I caused it because of all the stress I am under. Oh well. I think that things have really changed between me and my roommate too. Last year we used to be like best friends, but now things are different. She seems to be really distant. I am not sure what is wrong with her. Maybe it is my fault. I am not around as much as I used to be, so maybe she just wants more attention and is finding it elsewhere. She also has a boyfriend, so she spends a lot of time with him, which is fine with me. I just feel like things have totally changed. She went to a party last night and didn't invite me. Weird. I think I am really different from most people. I always seem to put everyone else's feelings before mine. I just don't understand why people don't do that. Or maybe I don't understand why I do that. Like, I would invite everyone to come with me if I was doing something cool. But all the people around me just I think are selfish. Maybe I just need to find a whole new group of friends. I mean, I had my first day of tryouts for crew, which was a pretty big deal to me. And when I see my boyfriend, he doesn't even ask how I did. He totally forgot about it. That gets me so mad. He seems to forget about everything. He then says how he is a bad boyfriend. Unfortunately, I have to agree with him. But don't get the wrong impression of me. I am actually a very happy person. I am just going through a lull right now. Once I get into a normal routine in my life I think I will be a lot happier. I just wish that my family was here. My parents live in Virginia, and it is hard with them so far away. At least my brother is here with me. That makes it a lot easier. I don't know what I would do if he wasn't here. I never realized how dependent I was on other people. I always thought of myself as a kind of loner, but I guess I really am not. I like being around people, and maybe I do get jealous when they do not choose to be with me. I think I really need to work on the jealousy thing. That is probably why I am having problems with my boyfriend. He finally made some friends here, so he hangs out with them. I think I also don't really trust him. I don't want him sharing intimate things about us to them. He was asking me the other day why I back away from intimacy and am afraid to talk about it. I just don't like talking about it. I consider it a private thing, and should just be shared between two people. It is nobody else's business. But I guess since we are in college, that is the way things are. Sex is on everyone's mind. But it just doesn't really seem to be on my mind very much. I would much rather just cuddle that have sex. Maybe I am weird, I don't know. But that drives my boyfriend crazy. He want's to have sex all the time. I think that is a major problem in our relationship. Oh well. Well, I guess my time is about up. I now have to go to crew again. I should do good today because it is strength training. I am pretty confident about that. Well, I guess I only have one more of these to write. That relieves some of my stress. Actually this was pretty cool doing this. I could just write down what I have been keeping inside. Pretty neat.

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16

coming to ut has been a pretty crazy experience. my first week here i already felt like i was at home. it wasnt that way at the college i attended previously. that place took my two years to get comfortable. i think it has something to do with the fact that i have grown friendlier to most people. the one exception is my roommate drew. i don't know why we arent best friends, but i think it has a lot to do wiht the fact that we come from two entirely distinct backgrounds. he was the son of a cop, whos prents got divorced, and i was the son of a librarian, who parents always talked about getting divorced. also, here women seem to enjoy my preasance more, i think that has a lot to do with my radical overhaul of my diet and exercise routine. one girl in particular is named vanessa. she is an entirely charming girl, with a body to die for, but i don't know. how do we trully know we found the right one, is it that divine spark that fills our soul thew first time we lay eyes on a person or is it a familiarity that stems from shared time with someone that eventually turns to amore? unfortunantly i was cursed with finding love at frist sight with my fist girl friend. but being as young as we were, i cnat help but think what would hve happened if we would have met later. on this subject i have often wondered about my parents, i have a vague notion that theirs was a marraige of convience. i overheard one day that the last time they had sex was the night i was concieved?!?!!??! i don't now what that means, just came up. this i think is the point of life. the wondering, lust filled age we are in now, followed by silent impotent contemplation. no wonder why all people in power are old and white. they don't have the drive in their hearts to find romantic ideals the way youth does. in a sense i think i am an idealist. i like to see the glass as half full, but usually only with people i care about. this deals alot with social conciense. what a terrible thing to have. all of us who are educated are confronted evertday with the absurdities of our goals. i want to have a nice house and car for my family and i want to help the world. but would i accept lesser for those i love to compensate those i do not know?!?!?! off course not, yet high minded individuals lambast me when they are doing the exact smae thing. so in the end what does one do, pursue their own intersts or bang ones head against the system. i think it has to be a mixure of the two. because the more one knows, the more one knows that nothing in this world is blakc and white. tragis heroes are made from this assumption. we see how they are commended for making the right choice and getting awarded for it. but seldom do we see all the others who struggle to make the moraly right choice and are punished incesantly. growing up poor i saw this all around me, many of the poeple i know cannot afford to make the right descision. i myself have chosen to get a college eduction rather than have medical insurance. really in the last 10 years i have done a lot rather than have medical insurance, namely eating, having clothes, and living life. all this ties into the idea that there are not racial barriers anymore, but class barriers that are divided by check books. thats not to sya that the overwhelming majority of poor are not minority, but only looking at color doesnt diagnose the true problem, money.

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19

Wow, my friend is having so much more fun than I am in college. By now I had figured that I would have at least made some new friends, and I have. I mean, Chelsea in my Theory and piano classes is totally awesome and in the cello studio I am in I have met some awesome people and made some friends like Tarra, Janelle, and Aimee but I vowed that I would not get stuck in the music building all day long and only hang out with music people. Okay, so I'm a music major and of course those are the people that I am mostly going to be hanging out with but music is a very isolated world. When I go to my other classes its like a whole nother world out there. I really did like that song from Aladdin, and that was a great Disney movie. I haven't seen any of the more recent ones but that's to be expected right? But hey, a vicarious Disney movie is good every now and then. I love Sleeping Beauty. I think almost every girl dreams about a wonderful guy, her one true prince that will come and sweep her off her feet and take her from, well maybe not take her from her world, because I actually like my world right now. No, I'm not happy with everything in it, especially my social life, but that can be fixed. Ack!! I have no idea how I am going to make it to Astronomy on time. I have had more panic attacks in the past two weeks about Astronomy than I have had in the past year. I have to get from the music building to Welch Hall, and I know that its not IMPOSSIBLE because I know like four people who are doing it, but. shit, I'm not a small person, I wasn't a track star in high school or in any sport as a matter of fact so I don't move as fast as others, and when I get stressed I start to have labored breathing, I have very bad allergies. The fastest I have been able to make it is in 15 minutes, and I have to cut it down to 10. What's the worst is that I hate being late anywhere. Its one of my pet peeves so being late to a class is major for me, besides the fact that I, well I actually don't interrupt class I just sit down on the steps in the back of the room and take notes on the lecture. I'm also kind of worried, not really worried but sort of about the class because almost everyone I have talked to has said that it is a hard class. But over the years I have noticed that I actually like the harder classes that challenge me. Maybe these first couple of weeks have been kind of a, I don't know,. I don't know what I'm thinking. I really do go back and delete typos, geez I can't even let a con't go by. oh well. My mom should be coming home soon. She helps out with the orchestra director at my high school, I'm from Austin and am typing from home by the way, not like you really care. hmmmm. . but tonight's back to school night and thats a really big night for elementary, middle, and high schools. I didn't make the symphony last week. I didn't play my best audition so I shouldn't be suprised but I had really wanted to make it, but the University orchestra is playing some really awesome music this semester. We're playing Egmont by Beethoven, a Mendhelson piano concerto, the Mother Goose Suite by Ravel, and Second Essay for Strings by Barber. I played Adagio by Barber in high school, oh, that was an amazing performance. If there were a lever that I could press that would make me feel like I do when I'm playing a truly amazing concert I would press that all the time. I hope that I will have the same feelings in college, its just that High School orchestra was so awesome and amazing with Mr. Edwards, he picked music that we could play and that was really good too. I mean come on, Overtures to Candide, the Merry Wives of Windsor, Tancredi, and Ruslan and Ludmilla just to name a few. And in AYO, Austin Youth Orchestra, we played the full, I mean the FULL COMPLETE the Planets by Holst. People would ask me oh, what movements? and I would be like ALL OF THEM BABY!!! Oh!! and Scheherezade! that was a. . ahh!!! I can't even express how utterly amazing that concert was. Wow, I love music so much, but Music Theory is a pain in the ass. Not that it's all bad, alot of it is nice, but tedious. I just can't figure out and easy way for me to identify major and minor intervals. I can easinly identify perfect fifths and octaves but most people can. Well, techinically its easier for me because my instrument is tuned in fifths so each of my strings are a fifth apart and octaves, well, those are just the same note. My high school band friends love what they do so much. Its refreshing in a way to see them having the time of their life playing and having fun, doing what they love, and that is my goal too. I'm in music because I have fun doing it, recieve a joy unsurpassed doing it, and give a joy to others also. Hopefully I'm going to go se Le Mis next week. I haven't seen it yet, and I just really really really want to, but the tickets are expensive, heck any tickets are expensive now adays, but when weren't they? So if my friends don't want the really expensive seats I am going with them.

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I have been asked to do this psychology assignment of writing down my train of thoughts and feelings for twenty minutes with out stopping. So far that was my first train of thought I know it's a boring intro sentence, but yet I'm not allowed to stop and think of how to write more eloquently. I guess that leads me to my next thought school. This is my first semester at college and there is so much going on. When you asked to write down our stress factor on a scale of 17, I believe I might have marked an 8. There are so many things that are going on, and I want to be able to organize everything in time slots. The only thing is that they keep giving me stuff to do. I suppose you would define "they" as professors with homework and S. I meetings, which I really want to attend. Then I had my first sorority meeting last night, and they have so much in store for us this semester. I suppose I should tell you that I love going home not to see my family (will, sort of that too you got to love mom and dad!), but I have boyfriend back at Houston. I was planning on going home all these weekends, but it turns out that I have something I have to do that is mandatory on almost every weekend. This boyfriend of mine is totally worth the trouble and stress of going home. I have had the most amazing summer with him just hanging out and doing fun activities. He makes me feel ten times happier when I'm around him and it's just really hard not having him here to help me adjust into this new life style. I do however, talk to him everyday and write him letters. The first week I arrived in Austin, I can honestly say that it sucked because rush drained a lot out of me and then we had to start school with no breaks from rush week. I thought I would be able to adjust better in this big place, because I consider myself an easy going friendly person. There is just so much that is consuming my life right now that I hardly have time to stop and think about what I need to do. I love exercising and used to do it everyday, and now I haven't had time to do any of that this past week because of school. I just hate this time in my life right now when everything is so jumbled up in my brain. I can't wait for the day when I have everything organized and I don't feel too constrained to one aspect of my life. I also hate this time because you don't really know anybody. True, I've met people and they are all really nice, but I haven't gotten to that stage when you can say anything to them and not look stupid. I am really glad that I did join the sorority just so I can meet people, but there are 60 people that I can meet and that's just too much for me to build strong friendships all at once. I do have some friends from back home, but I hardly have time to visit with them because I'm so consumed with everything else. I just need to sit down and relax. I did go home for Labor Day to visit my boyfriend, and that was exactly what I needed just to hang out with someone who knows you so well. We did basically nothing and it was great not having to worry about anything. That weekend I think was somewhat a turning point in my attitude of college. It just made me realize that it is harder than I thought (adjusting wise) but everything turns out okay in the end. Plus I was happy to know that I do have somebody who loves me just as much as I love him; and that when I'm missing him, he's thinking about me too. I guess it just made me feel not so lost in college knowing that I have a great person back home supporting me every step of the way. Okay, twenty minutes are up.

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6

I'm in my boyfriends apartment and my friends and I are doing our laundry. I feel very tired since I have an 8:00am class. I've had a pretty good day though, I love UT. My classes seem okay and I'm sure I'll do fine. I don't feel at all homesick, which is good. My parents miss me so much though and I feel bad for that. I'm going home this weekend even though I don't want to, but that's okay. I don't think I'm doing this right. no one will probably ever read this so why should I care. I feel like such a number at this school, but I am determined to change that. I feel like I'm writing in my journal. Emily and Annie are over here too and they brought their homework. I wish I had brought mine. I am so afraid that I'm going to get behind in my classes and not make good grades. I want a gpa of 3. 5 or better. Maybe it was stupid to set a goal that high, but that's good for me because last year I could have done a lot better. I don't regret it though, I had a very nice senior year. This year I want to study very hard though and be able to say I tried my hardest. I also want to get a PhD in psychology. I don't know why though because I just want to be a housewife. I love the idea of people calling me Dr. Hutchins though, that would be so cool. Being a medical doctor is waht my heart desires, but I can't stand the sight of blood. that causes a problem. So, I figured I'd help people another way. If I do work I want to be a child psychologist. I have a passion for kids and want to help as many as I can. That's why I want to be a housewife, so I can be with my kids all day. I'm getting tired of typing now, it should have been 15 min, not 20. I wonder what other people are going to type about. My back is hurting from sitting like this so I'm going to stop. it's been 20 min anyway. I feel weird writing something for school and not using any kind of format, but I really enjoyed it because I hate English with a passion. I took two years of AP English and I didn't pass the AP test my junior year. didn't bother taking it my senior year. Alright goodbye :)

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27

dreams are like the screen that shows these things to me, like last night's dream-- probably shows true feelings, but more specifically, true fears. fears about who the people I know really are, and especially the way that I feel about those people deep inside. I don't like to analyze them too deeply because who knows, I might find something too true or too scary to be true. then there are fears about who I am. sometimes I admit that I am afraid of relationships and of being hurt, but sometimes I admit that that is just an excuse for being afraid of something else. sometimes my dreams will reveal things I didn't think I could feel-- sometimes there is some energy in my dreams that I can feel for days. a lot of times I say that I am by nature an independent person, I work better alone. there are some people in this world that fall apart without someone to hold their hands, but I'm not one of them. I do need my family and close friends-- I couldn't even think about living without them. but how would I be with one person who is always supposed to be there, to be mine and me to be his. my romantic side loves that and believes in that; my independent side can't handle that. but I have often heard myself say that those people that are the dependent type still need to be alone sometimes. depending on someone your entire life just leaves you helpless when you are left alone. it shoes your weakness and vulnerability. but then again I guess for some "lucky" people they will never be left alone. I think that it is healthier to be alone first, to establish who I am before someone else can drill in me their thoughts and beliefs. I need to be my own person before I can become somebody else's, be strongly sewn in the ground so that he can't pick me out. depending on someone, or having someone depend on you takes a part of you away. it should be two people, as separate wholes, coming together, not one part making the whole. it is good to be open-minded, and I try to be, just not easily influenced. I try to be aware of the differences in each other and accept people for those differences but at the same time not let my true self be sucked in by anything untrue. my perception of strength is just that: though available for those who look to you, staying solid in yourself.

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9

Today I had a very fun (sarcastic) schedule, I worked out and also participated in my NROTC drill team, which I am a part of. My thoughts are nothing but satisfaction, a vigorous week of PT (physical training), academics, drill, and discipline have finally ended for three glorious days to elapse. Yes, just another three days or so, then it's back to the normal vigorous routine. My feelings for joining the NROTC unit is my decision, the option to choose the path to become a Marine Corps commissioned officer is brave for my part. For the past week, PT has been vigorous and I sometimes find myself out of shape for the activities. My ankle, which has a long history of spraining, is not helping either. My Gunnery Sergeant and my Staff Sergeant and I agreed that the Leathernecks, the "Marine Corps" part of the team, will help me get up to standards, after all, the Leathernecks and the entire unit looks after its own. Looks after it's own. I want to be part of the team, a part of the unit, a player, a leader, not a manager, not a weakling, nor any of that. I want to prove that I am someone. That I am a human being, someone worthy of being respected and liked. I have had a couple of bad experiences before I reported to UT. One was that I broke up with my girlfriend for the summer. She and I, even though we liked each other, found out that we were 'incompatible' and the separation of college (me going to UT, she going to U of H) would only make things worse. Sometimes we would find ourselves arguing over something as petty as 'who left the door open?'. It was a bad experience and the breakup just before college hit me like a MACK truck, just like all my bad experiences before. After my breakup, I wonder whether I should date again. There's a nice girl (I won't name her name or how I know her) around that I know but I don't know if I should get to know her more. Maybe it's because I had a bad history of dating, and I sometimes wonder if I would take the circle path back to where I started, broken up and feeling depressed about myself. This girl, I like her a lot, and I think she thinks I'm ok, but I don't know if she really likes me. To take another risk like that will probably leave me either being shunned my rejection or being depressed by another break up. That's why I must concentrate on other things. My priority is to the team, and I will work as much as I can to get my unit up and running. I am in the pistol and the drill team and I want to learn more and know more. Also, I want to get a 4. 0 GPA, so I can get a scholarship from my unit. PT has been tough, I find myself being killed by the active duty Marines when we PT, but I can't quit. My ankle had me forced to drop out of the runs two times, but I won't quit the program. I cannot quit, and I will not quit. To quit will put me forever in disgrace as a quitter who couldn't 'hack it' and also in the shun of my teammates, who I left them high and dry by letting them down. To quit would also to put me down further into the downward spiral of depression. To quit is out of the question. I will keep on going no matter what happens and I will do anything that has to be done to pass. I will not fail.

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16

I have a headache I took some excederine a few minutes ago I am tired. After four days off I was out of the habit of going to school. I feels good to be home. This assignment is odd. I am full. My head is hurting again with a dull pain this time. Tuesday night, nothing good comes on Tv I have to watch satellite shows. Some people did this assignment in the first day of class. I guess it is hard to find anything to do when you move away from home I am glad I decided to live at home, but I am afraid I am missing out on meeting new friends. Sometines I feel like an outsider on campus. But I wouldn't have made friends easily either. I would just sit around, study and be bored. I wish I was more outgoing. I want to speak to people and make new friends but it is one of the hardest things to do speaking to strangers. I want to but my own inhibition stops me. It is funny how you can want very badly to do something but someting inside you stops you from doing it This is really helping my typing. Like in high school typing class High school was generally a good time I had trouble meeting people there also. I was time to graduate, more would have been ridiculus. I waited until people would make an effort to meet me rather than be proactive I should approach people myself like I intended to do today but couldnt UT is a big place I have a lot of concerns I like chemistry and welch hall but I am a business major Business majors earn more money I want to buy a house and a new car on my own break away rom my parents but I am not ready to leave home. starting high school depressed me I am afraid I will hate business I think God's plan was for me to be a scientist but I am taking all the wrong courses Common sense tellw me to major in business but my gut feeling is science there are no easy answers I can be a judge, which is cool I don't think I think fast enough on my feet to be a lawyer Drafting documents I can do A masters in business would provide as many opportunities a law school But with law I get a license and a Doctors degree. Is prestige that important. Sometimes lawyers carry a stigma I don't want to seem overeducated to work in business, but its now or never. It is too hard to decide what to do in life I am afraid I am making all the wrong decisions. time is up I like this assigment

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30

Well, here I am writing continuously for twenty minutes. The weird thing is that this keyboard is laid out differently than the one I have back home so it makes typing really difficult. Not to mention the fact that yesterday I got a cut on my finger and hitting the I button tends to hurt a little bit. I am a little concerned about coming to the end of this line but apparently it will automatically wrap my words for me. I am going on a trip to the beach tomorrow. Well at least that's the plan. We don't have anywhere to stay not to mention any food. Oh well, it hopefully will be a lot of fun. I am sitting at Mac 9. I wish they had IBM's in here. That would make my life a little easier. The computer in my room crashed and I can do absolutely nothing on it right now. It's weird I have been writing for about five minutes and I am only on my third line. Well I guess that's what long lines will do to you. There were really long lines at the student computer center the other day. MY roommate was such an angel and stood in line for me when I went to class. A girl just walked in to the computer room with headphones on. I think that is a little weird. I guess she likes to listen to music and type at the same time. I guess you can do laser copies in here. I will have to remember that. I went out for coffee last night with my roommate and his girlfriend. It was a lot of fun and I got checked out by someone really cute. I wonder if this computer lady will help me figure out my e-mail in a little bit. Last time I asked she dismissed me very quickly. That shirt reminds me of McDonald's. The one a guy walked in here wearing. I really wonder what you are going to learn from me by reading this. Probably that I am very random, (all my friends tell me that) They also tell me I am a crack head. I'm not really, it's just an expression they use for me because I am so random and jump from subject to subject. Don't you think it's weird that we still write stop on stop signs. We could probably save a TON of paint if we didn't and besides who doesn't know that a red octagon means stop. That sounds like a really bad commercial. I have to go to class at 1:00. I feel weird telling people that I am going to Acting class. I feel very pretentious. I really think I am going to like the class though. I have been in theatre since fourth grade I just completely lost my train of thought. It got derailed you could say. I wonder what derailed it? Oh well, I guess that's what you are trying to figure out from me writing this. Life imitates art. I miss Ronnie Geva. Not really, but she is someone whom I am supposed to miss. I really miss Amanda. She is one of my best friends in the world. I called her the other night and when I heard her voice I could do nothing but cry. The computer lady walked by. Apparently she chooses whom she likes to help and who she doesn't. I never know when to use who and whom. I think I am going to save this really quick so that I won't accidentally lose it. Wait never mind that would lose my train of thought. I think it would at least. I really wish I could read some of the other students stream of consciousness papers. I want to see how similar they are to me. Maybe they aren't similar at all and I am the weirdo in the group. That's what my sister would like to have me believe. She pretends that she doesn't miss me but I know she does. I wonder how this whole e-mail thing is going to work. I can't wait to e-mail my dad and Amanda. I would e-mail my mom too but I don't know her school e-mail name. It's scary how many e-mail accounts my family has, I think the grand total is eight. Maybe nine. I don't know if my sister has one at school or not. It depends which class she is in. Nine accounts and four people. There are way to many ways to reach us. This is an odd power PC. This computer contains the fonts necessary for the software packages Plato and Socrates. I wonder what those are. Probably some English programs or something. At least that's what the name implies. El tiburon means shark in Spanish. I think there is an accent but I am not so sure. Fireworks are really cool. My mom and I love to go sit under them and feel the booms. A couple of years ago there was a grass fire near where we were sitting. It was kind of exciting. Not something like rescue 911 but still it was interesting for us. I hope you find this interesting and not just some drivel about me. Drivel is such a fun word. It reminds me of dribble. Well, I have to jet. I hope I didn't write for too long but It is fun getting your thoughts out on paper. Like I am doing now, Auggghhhh the insanity. Or sanity, however you want to see it I guess.

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This is kind of weird. I never set aside just some time for me to type and write and think. It's crazy that my thoughts are not really coherent. tiffany is typing next to me--her music is loud and kind of weird. I'm not a big fan of rap. wow look at how the font looks smaller after you don't capitalize. tiff's talking to me and going into the bathroom. Stupid homework. I am typing but I don't know what I'm thinking about. man it's so loud in our room. she's yelling at me. she wants me to finish my work so I can talk to her. silly girl. the TV is kind of annoying I want to turn it off but it's so far away. college is making me lazy. that reminds me of Dante's inferno. I can hear the wretch is that how you spell it? wrench clanking in the background. tiffany is struggling to put our brand spanking new fluffy toilet seat onto the crappy and dirty jester toilet that who knows how many people have urinated in gross!! I realize that even though I am writing my thoughts down as I type, some of my thoughts are not being recorded in this stream of consciousness writing because my mind is going crazy and I can think about a billion things at once but I can't type it all fast enough. stupid fingers! type faster! type faster! this is such a crazy assignment. I love how unstructured college is. I love how you can do whatever you want and no one gives a damn. it's pretty spiffy! some girls is getting her face redone for plastic surgery. I'm glad I'm not heinously ugly or I'd be tempted to get some plastic surgery done too. crazy. crazy reminds me of a song. can't remember which. man I kind of miss high school. those days of knowing everyone in all of your classes--- I'm sad that they are over. now I walk into class and I'm lucky if I know one person. got to meet some friends. but Stuart is kind of holding me back. I love him but I don't know if I can take his clingininess! he's such a sweet guy but I wonder what it would be like to be single again. wow look at how much I've typed. I love my new ibook. it's so cute. I just want to look at it all day. how cute is it! right. dang I'm weird. noises in the background are distracting me now. too bad I can't reach over real fast and turn off the stupid TV. I really think that TV dumbs people down. interesting. my fingers look weird when I type. they look like little spiders. ha-ha. website! that's the weirdest word. weird. indweirdo. too bad jaya and I aren't really friends anymore. she's in psycho with me though--maybe we can rekindle out old friendship. Shelby was so mean to me. oral interp man-- at least I made some more friends. don't need friends like that anyways. JESUS!! LOVER OF MY SOUL! JESUS! I WILL NEVER LET YOU GO!!! dang I wish that I could see Jesus now. I know that faith is what makes Him real to us, but wouldn't it be cool of they could make some Jesus bears to hug when you're sad? I miss my parents a lot. actually, I just miss my mom!! *sigh*. it's all good. Frederick the printer. ha-ha bio II. such a good class to go to. I love the learning, hate the quizzes and tests. high school was hard. waking up early to study, staying up late to study. bummer! and all to get into a college to repeat the cycle all over again. man it's weird not to have my parents around! why do people have rhinoplasties? they're so nasty! ccccccccccccccrunk is what that is! tupac. why do people die? I so do not even get it. I think about death in that it's scary. I believe in Jesus, so will I definitely go to heaven? I'm such a reasoning person that I wonder if there is a heaven sometimes. but that's sin. purgatory according that Dante inferno website is where I'm going. yay! will see the Son and the Father one day. I need to use the bathroom. dangit. still have 9 minutes left. my hands are kind of sweaty. gross! man what a loser. this girl is 16 on TV and wants a nose job to feel better about herself. that's so crazy. why are people so low self-esteem? like ling. dang that girl acts like she's all that, but she has no self esteem at all! it's all an act, a facade. yay! my battery is charged up to 99%. the % button is always above the 5. weird, eh? eh? mission! that reminds me of Monica and mission trips. I wish I had gone to Hong Kong with everyone this year. I almost feel like I let God down. your love is amazing. your love is amazing. Your love is amazing to me. my grammar and punctuation sucks. man I wonder what she's doing. haven't talked to that girl in forever. I can't believe I've been typing for almost 15 minutes! this is nuts. ha-ha Michelle from full house. Chad Michael Murray is so hot. gosh' can't believe he's marrying Sophia bush. wonder what sofa and Sharon are doing at UTSA right now. UTSA-- that's the root of all of Stuart's problems. that's why he's so clingy and insecure. I want to help him. but how? man these apples are cute!!! the little apple logo makes me feel all warm and fuzzy! ahhhhhh the door is not locked! tiff forgot to lock it. got to lock it after I'm done with this thing. I'm getting tired now. I want to watch love actually. that's such a freaking' cute movie. freaky Friday. ha-ha Lindsay lohan and her weird boobs. no way can a teenage girl grow boobs that fast! why are guys so obsessed with boobs? freaks me out. anyways let's change the topic. I wonder if dr. Pennebaker or his TAs will read this. poor people their eyes must be boggling out by now from all the reading. tiff is drumming on the toilet seat. gross! she put my stuff on that dirty grout- stricken floor. the time is going by freakishly fast. dude it's already 17 minutes and counting. I kind of don't want to stop doing this. maybe I'll keep an online diary just for myself to do this everyday. how do you know who you will marry? how do you know you won't get sick of them? 911. scary day. Stuart's birthday. the phone is ringing. the door opens. flip flops are dirty. I feel like a loser sometimes. but this is not a cry for help. I love you JESUS! hahha I hope whoever reads this doesn't think I'm a loser. the little AIM man looks funny. I can't wait to read this after I'm done with everything. I want to see what I was thinking. Kim basinger and this dude are on TV for this new movie. who sometimes movies really scare me. like Sarah Michelle Gellar in the new movies. tiff is wailing. she forgot about a homework assignment. uh-oh. doesn't sound good. my tummy feels weird. I think I'm getting fat. out!! peace

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14

My feelings and thoughts about everything in general are very complicated or confusing. I have thoughts of school work which seems to be very normal as being a freshman in this huge world. I feel lost sometimes, not in school but in general. Lost as in a sense do I belong in this society or will I make a difference in the world? I feel betrayed from lovers and friends. I feel loved my family members but also frightened that I will not make them proud. I have done everything I can to be the person that I can be and I am scared that they will not accept me for. I feel that I have lived their life and they are pushing me to become what they didn't. I feel hurt and I wish that they would just let me go and be just me". I feel that they are holding me back from the rest of the world. Why won't they just let me survive by myself? Why do they continuously brand me as this little girl who will never do anything wrong? I think that it is all out of love but I am scared that if they keep this up that I will not want to go back to them and live life on my own. Smells that I have come across are well just the typical smells. Food, sweat, laundry on the way to my room, and sweet smells of different types of perfumes, detergent, soap, and whatever else people have. Inner smells I have come across are aromas of hard work and dedication. I see people and how they react to things. I see their facial expressions and I realize that they are human to. I can smell the fear or excitement in them. I can sense the fragility or strengths in them. I can smell a sense of belonging and acceptance. As I walk every day around campus and I look back on my life, I realize that I have worked up to this level and I am satisfied with my self. I look at the upper classmen and I realize that soon I will be in their place. I will be the head of the school holding a torch as the new students arrive setting a path for them to follow. I will be a leader and a part of the legend of the University of Texas at Austin. I will be a hero in accomplishing the difficult and the easy. I will be a survivor. I also think about life in general. I thank the LORD every night that I am alive and experiencing this great joy. I can hear my parents approval and my family's cry for love and if they could only be here while I live the life of a college student starting fresh in this huge society. I thank GOD every day that I have parents and a family that support me and back me up in everything that I do and that I will do. I thank GOD for my friends that accept me for who I am and that they will not change for me or anyone else. I thank GOD for the will power and the confidence that I am able to hold my head up proud and strong. I thank HIM for the love and affection of others. I thank HIM for the ability to be able to be myself. To have a life of my own and the free will to make decisions. I tell myself that I am lucky to be in the place I am in. I thank him for allowing me to make the right choices along the way leading me in this direction and that I may be able to stay in this direction. I thank HIM for keeping me healthy and alive. I think that I am a person full of faith and serenity. I am person full of heart and love. Like my name means, I am a person of "STRENGTH". I find it funny because I am a person that stands exactly 5 feet and I am tiny. But inside I am full of life and energy. I am strong in nature and in love. I am strong on the inside as well as the outside. I was brought up to be strong in the mind as well as in the body. I am a warrior of many things and I am a survivor like I said before. I am a lady, a friend, an athlete, a motivator, as well as a person of high standards. I am not anyone else nor do I desire to be. I am who I am and I am proud of that. I am many things but most of all I am "ME".

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19

Here goes. Do you mind if I write a story. I'm a lot better a stories than I am about talking about my real life. The stories are more exciting, anyway. Did you note that I used a space in between a and lot? A Day For Something Once upon a time, a long, long, long time ago or something rather to that effect, (not affect), people lived in gray boxes. These boxes were called people boxes, because there were people inside them. But all of a sudden, people starting thinking that there might BE something outside of those tiny, cramped, dirty boxes they were inside of. So they came out and looked around. But they were wrong. There was just a lot more of the same around them. Yea. Happy, nice, story. I think it means something about "Man's Glorious Ascension Through Time" or something to that effect. Here's another one. I'm pretty good at stories, but not much else. At least you'll have fun reading these, but if you don't, I'm still pretty sure the dumping sites aren't completely filled up yet. The Wonderful Talking Box of Harvey Glumgill Sorry. The title is wrong. But it sounds better than nothing, right? Here we go. This story isn't about much at all. It's about some crazy people who believed some retarded things and ended up being dictators of small, third world nations. -"We are sorry to inform you that the last paragraph was written by somebody who has just been sacked. However, to continue the mindless assignment, it will be continued and stuff. " Okay, okay, imagine this. A giant, 300 foot tall monster with 78 right arms, 65 left arms, 13 heads, and 49 legs is running about town and devouring people. This monster's name is Blowout Bob. Alright. Story. There was a time when everybody knew everybody else and everything was cool because everybody knew everybody and nobody knew anything. Got it? Now some people learned things, others didn't, and others simply got to know everybody better. No. Wait. Oh, man, now I have to start over. I bet you're tired of reading gibberish like this. "Hey, Marv. " "What?" "I just said, 'Hey, Marv. ' You weren't supposed to answer or anything. " "Oh, okay. " "Oh, uh, Marv. " "Marv!" "What?!" "You were supposed to answer that time. " "Was I?" "Yep. It's in THE RULES. " "What are 'THE RULES'?" "It's just, you know, THE RULES. " "Where did that spooky noise come from?" rrAw, screw this. I'm out of time, anyway. (Grammatical errors in this piece of work: anyway anyway ) fin Go home. Stop reading this. If you keep reading this, it won't tell you anything.

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At this moment I,m really thinking about what I'll be thinking about to make this assignment interesting and if my twenty minutes of thought will be worth reading. I missed dinner again, so my stomach is on my mind. I'm munching as I do this assignment, but I don't think you are suppose to have food around the computer but I don;t know why. What is it with these computers anyway, I've been screwing with mine for three weeks and I can't figure it all out. I hate to ask for help and admit defeat by technology. No where can I find my freaking e-mail to check it. I don't even know if I really have an address because I registereds for it over the computer and don't know if it worked. I figured out why food and computers don't mix. My fingers are starting to stick to the keys. but caramel popcorn is good, better than the food in the dining halls anyway. I like this assignment- I/m getting to vent all of my frustrations and the millions of little thoughts that buzz around in my head all day. I knew tyhat writing is good therapy, but this is already making me feel better too. Now maybe I'll set up my journal on the web and make people pay to read like they pay to watch people going about their daily lives. It must be weird having cameras everywhere like on those shows but I would probably have fun because I'm a camera hog anyway. I should have paid more attention in typing class. I know I'm not using the right "home keys" and my fingers are still sticking everywhere. I hope I don''t have a lot more stuff to do tonight because I'm ready to go to sleep, even though it's barely eight. I feel like calling some of my friends from back home, but I doubt that they are home and studying like I am. My Mom didn't call back from work. She may not have even got the message thyat I called. Mail takes way too long to get here from Dallas. I thought it would be a day or two from there to here, but it's more like five or so. Today's THE eighth and I just now got stuff from tyhe second. Tomorrow is Jenna's birthday. I guess I'll call and sing and act like the goofy big sister. If I was her age zi don''t know if I would want a big sister. I guess it might be neat. I hope my roommate doesn't stay up all night again. I don't know what she does withall herw time. She always studies but she never gets anything done. I don't do much of anything, but I always getstuff done. I guess it's time management skills. I sleep too much. I think my twenty minutes are up, or past where's the submit button?

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Well, all that is on my mind sure cannot be summed up in twenty minutes, but I will continually type for that time. Lately I have desired to do nothing but become closer to God. He is awesome. My freshman year of high school was great all because I had God on my side. Now I feel like I have lost him. I know He is still there for me, but I have damaged that relationship that we had. I chose to live my life and not listen to Him. It hurts because life was stressfree and I always knew that God was just right there waiting for me everywhere I went. When I would walk outside I would smile and greet God with open arms. Now I feel like sometimes I look negatively upon the weather and don't even think of the great God who made everything. I have been trying to become closer to God. I read in the Bible more often. Rather than praying for myself or for God to do great works in my life, I now ask God what I can do to better the lives of others. I think that my outlook on life will change once I fully begin to ask Him what He wants of me rather than demanding Him to help me. I think once my relationship with Him improves, my money worries will go away. One worry is about transferring out of the school of business. I could transfer out of the business school, but I am afraid of what my future holds. I know with a business degree at UT jobs will be flying at me from every direction. Instead of being a cutthroat businesswoman, I want to help society. If I would get paid a good amount, I would definitely help the homeless or disabled. That attitude is wrong. God does not want me to think like that. He wants me to trust that He will provide all my financial necessities. He wants me to pray to Him to find out what I need to do in life. He will give me meaning once I am fully ready to accept His answer. I continually pray to God asking Him what I am to do with my life. He has not told me. I do not think it is that He has not told me; I think He has told me to wait for the right time for him to tell me. I know He will let me know when He feels I am ready to accept the task He has prepared for me. Right now I long to know what that task is. As I read the Bible daily and pray to Him daily, I feel I am taking one step closer to receiving a better understanding of my life and knowing what I am destined to do. I cannot wait until God shows me the way to my career, my husband, my kids, my destiny, but I always have to remember what my mom says. God and her both agree: patience is a virtue and in order to obtain these goals, I need to be patient.

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20

Oh man I'm so hungry. I can't wait for the football game tonight, it's going to be lots of fun. Wow, I think really fast, cause I'm so thinking about 3 things at once. Hunger, football, and the giant pre-screening survey thing that I just took. Can you believe that I finished it at 2:54, only 6 minutes left before they stopped accepting them. Man talking about some pressure. Speaking of pressure, I just thought of physics, which is kind of weird since I don't have physics this year. I do have math though. I played cards last time I was in class. We played this crazy Russian game. It was really cool. We tied in the end. ^_^ Wow, ok, so now that I typed ^_^, I thought of anime and forums since I use that on forums all the time, and it's an anime face. And now I'm thinking about how I can type without looking at the keyboard. I just moved the mouse, and that reminded me of a real mouse. Man, I make a lot of typos. Of well, did you know that I learned to type too early that I lifted my hands off the keyboard so I could type faster since, I had small hands. And so in I think 10th grade I had to fix myself, and retaught myself 10 finger typing. Cause you see this "hover hands" typing caused me to look at the keyboard. The song just changed and it totaly distracted me. Speaking on Song, I met a girl named Helen Song, the first Day of Psycology and she's really cool. I like her a lot as a friend but at the same time I want to ask her out. But you know that my biggest fear (and pretty much the only one) is losing a friend. And so I have trouble asking girls out cause I'm afraid after they say no, that they don't want to be friends anymore. Why am I telling you this. Oh well, for all I know you don't read these, or you read them completely. Hehe, you know why do some people type hehe, and other haha. You told us to think about our reactions and our observations. I bet lots of people start talking about what their observing and rather than thinking, pay more attention to their random observation thoughts. I bet that produces a lot of weird data. Me, well I ask a lot of questions, and think really fast. I often find myself daydreaming. ALL THE TIME! hehe. so yeah, wow, hehe sounds like a girl to me. Not to self, refrain from saying hehe. I glanced at the clock for the first time. I wonder is that means that I'm finally bored after 8:30 minutes. But as I keep typing, huh, I thinking more about the actual act of typing. I just looked at the title, "Stream of Consciousness of Writing" but now the music changed to a good song so I'm distracted from that last thought. This song is good. It's techno. I know that I listed to it cause it matches my lifestyle, fastpassed? wow, I can't spell. So yeah, my SAT score was 580 reading and 780 math. That's just a little weighed don't you think ^_^. There it is again. I just though of the entire universe and big guns, and planets and spaceships, this is going by way faster than I can type, but trust me that I'm having a ball here. Soccer, now that I haven't played in a while, and I just started playing tennis. That was tiring, but I want to work to be the best. StarCraft, and my daydream story just came into my mind. You see in order to pass the time I come up with a story and slowly play it out in my head with extreme detail. A single day dream could take up to month to complete, as I start and stop it when neccissary. Man, I'm getting excited about football. You know I've never seen a whole football game before. I'm sweating, maybe I should go turn down the AC, neh, that's my mom's domain, and well I don't want to stop typing. What only 6 minutes left, Well I suppose that means 75% of the time has passed. I wonder why I converted this into a percentage. That's really weird you know. Talk, that's what my phone said, cause it didn't ring, huh, strange, why would I type that. I think that means I'm focussing too much on typing and not enough on other events, although I suppose it really doesn't matter does it. But as I progress I think more and more about my typing. So do you know javascript, did you create that timer, or did you 'steal' the code for it, and use it on you site. I hadn't noticed this song was annoying till now. I normally listen to music when on my computer, you know like browsing the web, or photoshoping (digital image creation). The only times I don't have it on is when I watch anime, or play a game. Speaking of anime, I just finished watching wow ok like 5 titles flashed through my head. Hellsing, that was the last one I watched. You know I like anime much better than TV cause they can create a long drawn out plot which is infinitly better than a single 30 minute plot. It's like watching a book rather than reading one. Reading, the last thing I read was a StarCraft book, yeah it came from the game. That's sad I know, but I just couldn't focus on Lord of the Rings you know. I wonder how much other people type, I mean, am I a fast typer. The amount they turn in has to be due to the typing speed and not the thought speed let me tell you, cause we think incredibly fast.

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3

Twenty minutes is a very long to\ime to just be typing about nothing. I don't know that I can come up with anything to write about. I really should be studying for spanish becausse that class is a lot harder but I guess I don't have to do it right now. Tomorrow is Tuesday so I don't even have to do this now but I guess it will be one less thing to do later. Somebody is moving furntiture next door and it sounds like guy's voices. This is an all girl dorm so they are breaking a rule. No boys in the dorm!! That's a funny rule- like it really keeps people from doing stuff they shouldn't. Wow two minutes already! I guess it is going a little faster that I thought it would. I'm really tired - I need to sleep more. At least my room is really clean. My fish is staring at me. His name is Moby like from the book. I don't even know what the book is about-isn't that retarded that I am in college and never read moby dick? Our educations system today. . I need to get deej a b-day gift soon- I think her b-day is on thursday. Shes getting up there in age really fast. I wonder what my mom is doing right now. She is off today because it's labor day. I feel like I have a lot to do but I guess I really don't. This week should go super fast I'm hoping. I need to do Math homework too that is really important. Jill should be back ssoon. I wonder how I'm going to talk to her and keep typing at the same time. I wonder what all this means. I bett this stupid computer is going to tell me some deep psychological thing about myself after this is done although I have discussed nothing profound. I'm tired of typing. I could go a head and stop and just let the timer keep going but that would be cheating and you probabably know that. I need good grades. This is so boring my eyes are drooping!! I want sleep on my nicne new soft bed. I bet my mom spent SO much money on that bed. I have to do my defensive driving thing soon before I get halled off to jail. I don't know when I'm going to find time for that. I need a job. Their were so many cute clothes at the mall today. I need to shop but I don't want to spend money. I'm cheap. Oh, well. I'm really worried about my cell phone bill. Maybe the verizon webpage will tell me some stuff. Man I'm not even halfway through with this assignment. I wonder what the purpose is. I'm really tired and I'm falling asleep right now. Ahhh! Hurry up! I don't want to do this anymore. I wonder what people do who can't really type. Our refrigerator is really noisy. I think it would be funny ot read someone elses thing. this is going to be REALLY long Sorry, I need a drink on pepsi. I had to take a breather. I wonder if those reabate things really get you money back. I'm glad that I'm going to know my course load down to only 14 hours. 17 is really to many. Modern will be relatively easy and I m thinking I can do well in this class if I really try hard. I wonder if I could get a job at one of the hospitals or something. I really need to call Aunt Doris tonight. I sjhould make that a priority. I need to also find out information about the dance stuff I want to do. I will have to diet this week. Yuck! I am bored bored bored. My room is really cute now. I like my fish and picutes and the colors. I musht admit that it is way cute. I have so many picutes. I like the ledge along my wall- that hlp a lot. I want to decorate my bublletin board too. Maybe I can get some stuff this weekend. We need a full length mirror for out room. We need it really baddly too. they do really crappy paint jobs in here. It looks terrible!! the can't evin keep it on the wall. My desk looks brand new though. It is really cold in there- I don't like it. My fish is staring at me. I think he thinks I'm and idiot. I fed him today but maybe a little too much. I know you can over feeed them. I'd love to get more but I think they kill eachother. Myabe I could get a female and they could breed fish. That would be really cute. I could sell the babies for 5 bucks a piece. Yeah!! I'm almost done. My lege hurts- maybe I have shin splints. I have been running so much latly. I need to go tonight. I should have read the part of the book that corresponds with this lesson so that I would know what all this means and WHY we actually have to type for so long. ONly one more minute left. Jill isn't back yet. Oh hurry up I want to be DONE. My fingsrs are numb it is so cold in this room. I want my bed now!! only a couple more seconds and I will be done with this assighnment. I hope I like this class!

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14

I love just being me. Honestly without my personality, I am nothing in this world. There are so many people alive today that without my individuality, I could not survive. It would be too weird if I walked around the streets seeing a splitting image of myself. Hehe I think that I would probably pass out if that ever happened to me. Ouch, my arm really itches right now. Man I hate when I scratch so hard and it leaves marks on my skin. It's so unattractive and it is so annoying when I have to shave over it. I really can't believe that he would say that to her. Doesn't he realize that some things are best left unsaid especially when you don't know the whole story? Fainting has to be one of the most unique experiences that I have ever gone through. It's so weird that you lose all control of yourself for that onesecond. Thank goodness that girl was there to help me even though she didn't know me. I would freak out if I ever came in contact with someone who was about to pass out and fell on me. Man Jessica really can draw. I wish that I had the talent to do something like drawing my selfportrait. My legs are really starting to bother me since they are in that position. Oh man I need to go read my Theater since I have that class tomorrow. What should I wear tomorrow? I wonder if it is going to be as hot as it has been this whole time. I thought it would feel so much better than McAllen. For goodness sakes, at least McAllen has wind. Man what I would give to be at the beach right now without a care in the world sipping on the best tasting glass of lemonade and laying out getting the greatest tan in the world. And the POboys at Blackbeard's. No one makes greater Fantail Special than they do. I really hope my computer comes soon. I can't wait to start adding songs to my computer. Why hasn't my phone rang in a while? I need to call Jessie in a minute. I wonder if I have anything that I need to get done tomorrow. Hopefully my backpack will work out good. Because it was so cheap compared to everything else that was there. I love my shoes and I can't believe that my black ones broke. That was too weird that it happened especially since it was in the middle of the street and I wasn't doing anything that would have made it break normally. I hope my computer is the one I wanted. I wonder who is calling right now? Must be for Amber since she is talking to that person right now. I really feel like watching Hope Floats right now. That is such a great movie, and the guy in it is so hot.

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I don't really know what I should write about. I guess I'm feeling alright. My class was cancelled for today so I had the whole day off. I rented Sling Blade which I liked the movie had people with psychological problems like the guy who is always talking about women he killed and the main character who cuts peoples heads open every once in a while if he feel s it is necessary. The keyboard on the computer sucks since the space bar key keeps on sticking whenever I try to push it down. I am kind of nervous about classes because last semester I screwed up grade wise after keeping an almost 4. 0 GPA for 2 and 1/2 semesters. I have never taken psychology before in high school and I wish I had since it would make the class easier now when I take it. I really can't type continuously for twenty minutes without having a definite subject so I keep having to stop and think of something to type. One of my goals this semester is to stop watching TV so often because that is what I feel screwed me up last semester since I was always staring at the screen either their or while surfing the web. Now I beginning to feel a little grossed out because I was just thinking about our dorm meeting where they told us housekeeping comes in only every other day to clean the bathroom when they used to come every day and it was still pretty dirty now it is going to be even worse. I guess it has been about twenty minutes now I forgot what time I started typing at since I forgot to write it down I thought I would have remembered. So I'm just going to call it a night.

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9

When I was young, I always like to lied. I remember one day I lied to my mother that I went to library to study. But instead, I went to the nearest video game center to play arcade. When come back from home, I told my mother that I study very hard in the library. After I said that, my grandmother smile at me for a moment which last for about few seconds. At that time, somehow I got strange feeling that something is wrong, but I am not very sure about that. I kept thinking about the wicked smile that my grandmother gave it to me within that two or three seconds. Then I decided to analyse this situation carefully. First, when I lied to mother at that moment, did I carelessly show any sign of unordinany behavior, like shaking my body or showing a very dishonest face without I knowing it. Second, did I say something wrong or stupid, that have indirectly showed me I am lying at that moment. Third, did my clothes have any cigarette smell? Or did some of the people saw me enter the video game center and tell the incident to my mother? Or is it my grandmother just want to smile and being nice to me, and I am the one who is too sensitive about the smiling incident? Even though I made many hypothesis, but I still could not figure if something is really wrong. I am kind of nervous and just keeping thing that incident. After dinner, my mother asked me why does it take me so long to finish my study, and I told her I have a lots of homework to do. Then she said I was lying because my sister had followed me and seen me enter the video game store. At last, this incident had ended, and it also prove me that my six sense is correct.

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27

Well I am sitting at my desk. It's kinda dark in here so I just turned on the lamp. I have a lot of homework to finish, most of it for the psych class. My homework has not been too bad so far. Just a lot of reading. I am ready to go home and see my cat, I really miss him more than other things that I should probably miss more. My mom would get mad if she heard me say that, but sadly it is true. Well my mind is a blank, I can't really think of anything to say I know we are supposed to just type whatever comes to mind, but my mind goes completely blank whenever I try to write anything, no matter what it is. I guess that is why I never could keep a journal or anything like that. I would start out the first day writing some, then it just tapered off until I stopped writing completely. I have several journals with only the first couple of pages written on. Wow 20 minutes is a long time, its only been 5 since I started. I'm trying to keep writing for the entire duration, but it is weird how when you are supposed to write freely your mind won't cooperate. I guess that is what you are trying to figure out. It is ironic how the mind works, that is why I have always wanted to take a psychology class, so I could better understand its inner workings. I am frustrated that I really cannot think of a single thing however. I miss my best friend, Faith. She is at Oachita (spelling?) in Arkadelphia. It is about 8 hours from here. I am thinking about going and visiting her over spring break, but that is a little hard without a car. I will probably have to fly home first and get my car from there. Surprisingly my parents are not going to sell it (like they originally planned) and are keeping it at home (where it is currently getting no use). I guess it was their last attempt to get me to come home some of the time. I am only going home once before the holidays. That's only for my high school's homecoming. Which I am kind of excited about. I know a few of my good friends that are also coming home for the game, so I will get to see them. That is the only weird thing about college. You realize how much your friends meant to you. It is odd not seeing them during class like you are used to. But, luckily I have met a few great people, and we have become good friends. I knew 8 people coming down here and only three of them I was actually good friends with. The other five were more acquaintances. I already semi-knew my roommate, she went to school in the same district, and we met through our parents. We have since become better friends. I am sure whoever ends up reading this really wants to know all these things, but I figured I might as well write something. Well let's see. I went on a mission trip to Mexico this summer. I only thought of this because there is a picture of me and some of the kids we worked with on my desk. It was truly an awesome experience. I am a changed person because of that two week experience. Well I guess I won't get into any other subject. My time is ticking away, funny how it goes by faster when you type. very ironic. and that is about all, thank you!

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Things have changed so much since I got to college. Everything has taken a complete and utter flipside to the norm. I came here with two of my best friends from high school and now we are no longer speaking. Things get complicated. My plans for the upcoming and muchawaited Texas/Oklahoma Game has managed to break up a friendship very important to me. Its insane that such a petty conflict in such an unimportant situation can kill something that I've known so well for the past few years. Regardless, my life is so different now. I went through high school on a very tight leash with my parents and now I have no restrictions. No more "be in by one o'clock", no more "you can't spend the night out" no more "do your homework". Even though I'm supported by them primarily, I make my own decisions now. It seems a lot easier to go with the flow of things around here, do what I really want to do and not worry about what my parents think is the best decision or the right choice. School has also changed. I love my classes, my professors are wonderful, but the actual academics are a good deal harder. I went to a 5A school taking all honors classes, and everyone told me how the hard academics I was in then would make UT a breeze. Wroooong. I'm going to pull through, I'm determined. I love where I am.

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21

I'm really happy I started my workouts today even though I feel awful right now. I need to get back in the shape I was before the marathon. I don't really feel like going out tonight at all but I have to go because I promised my friends. I'm not really big into parties I think they are sort of stupid I'm always really uncomfortable because I don't really know that many people except the guys they go with and I feel really weird just following them around. oh well it doesn't really matter I guess everyone there is drunk anyways I really want to go home this weekend and see zach I really miss him a lot I wish we could have both gone to the same school but we Couldn't. thanksgiving is really far away and I don't know if I can wait that long to see him. We have been friends so long it feels really weird not seeing him everyday there are some good things about being here I never have to see ross or trevor I hate those guys. I would like to lie and say they taught me something about myself balhaablaha but zach was right I never needed either or them. Dating zach is so weird but being friends first makes it more special. I really miss sharon I can't believe she is going into the army in two days israel is so far away and I can't believe I won't see her for two more years. kayla is at texas state with nathan and says she loves it I hope her and blake get back together she just loves him so much I feel bad that she's sad about them breaking up with him and I don't really know what to tell her. I miss the basketball team so much I have pat and kellan here with me but zach and maury and matt and nathan and dotun are so far away I hate it I guess maury and zach aren't that far away dallas isn't that bad. Its sad though I won't be able to go back and see ben and dipot and my brother play since my parents moved I'm sad I won't be able to go to reno with zach anymore but I guess he decided to stay home iwht me for christmas so Andrew and dotun will go by themselves without us christmas is going to be so fun with him I know zach feels like he will never mean as much to me as ross but I feel the same way about amy I think we both know what we have is different but I really don't like talkinga bout it with him I would rather just ahave fun together like we always do we know what we are to each other and I don't think we need to keep talking about it. I'm over ross for good this time same with trevor and no matter how many times they ask me I won't get back together with them I don't think zach believes me though I don't konw what I can do to make him no so insecure about us I don't know whatever hell figure it out eventually. Its hard to talk to him though I could never hurt him though I just know him to well everything about him we grew up together so I know all the things that hurt him and he knows all the things that hurt me so I don't know if I could ever accidentally hurt him or say anything that would make him sad because I know exactly what those things are. He knows those things about me too I think its better this way to know everything all the wounds a person has when you are with tthem there ar eno secrets between us because he was the person I always told me secrets to and he is still that person I go to so I don't understand why he thinks I will break up with him inever will he will have to break up with me because I refuse to hurt him I would never cheat on him eitheri love him too much and I respect him too much I think it is just awful when people cheat on each other I don't think its the worst thing you can do but it is still terrible you should care enough about the person to end it before you deliberatly hurt them that is just mean and selfish I don't think I could ever do that to anyone but especially to zach god I've tlaked about him way to much I think but who care nobody will probably ever read this I miss him a lot I think its weird what happened alst weekend going up to visit him will be awesome in two weeks I can't wait I miss him so much he is really starting to look like ben I

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10

Well. Actually, I don not know what should I write down here. I think that this can be a very easy assignment, or this can be a very hard assignment. How stupid! Honestly, today, I asked about it to a TA because I could not totally understand what should I do? I knew that there is no topic, but no topic can mean the huge categories. Anyway, this assignment made me confused. But, interestingly, a American student asked about what she should do for the assignment in the today's class. At that time, I thought two. One is that there is also a person who do not understand the purpose of this assignment like me. And. the other is that "Oh, my god! Don't ask me. Don't ask me. Because I am an international student who came here in America a month ago. So. I am not good at listening to what people say yet, especially in the casual conversation. You know, young American university students talk so fast. Hum~~~ it is a big problem. So, I made her ask the same question three times, and finally, I could tell her what she should do for this assignment. How stupid!! Now. I am in a big dilemma. I have a difficulty keeping up with classes now, but I feel happy and can relax when I meet friends and drink with them. But, I have to study. So, I thought that now, I have to meet lots of friends to learn English instead of only studying in the library to keep up with classes. I thinks it is a great excuse to play. But, what is the priority for me?? Meeting friends to learn English and American culture? Or studying hard to keep up with all classes with no meeting others?? So difficult!! However, I suddenly wonder. Can I deal with both of them perfectly. . . . ?? So confused. Wow, time is almost over. but, I do not much. 36. 37. 38. . . 44. Ok! I have to finish this~~!!

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10

I feel that I am not very satisfied with school right now. I don't have that many friends but I am sure that I'll start making some soon. I miss my home and my miss my family and I miss my girlfriend who is also in fort worth. I always talk to her and I wish she was here all the time. I miss her a lot and all I can think about is being able to talk to her. school seems a little hard. I haven't gotten used to the studying habits yet. I know that I will soon get back into the grove though. I can't wait until I get to go home this weekend. I want to go home every weekend but I know I can't. it is so hot out side and I want things to cool down just a little bit. I want to be able to go out and play but I don't like going to parties and that's all people want to go do. so it seems like there isn't ever anything to do down here unless you go to a party. all I want to do is go home. it is a lot more fun at home. I don't understand why people say college is so fun when I haven't really had any fun yet. I don't want to join any frats because I don't think they're worth it. and I also hear that they make enemies also. and I don't want to make any enemies down here. my classes are kind of confusing. and since I don't know any body in the classes, I don't feel comfortable asking the people next to me questions. the weeks go by so slow. the only thing that I like about school so far is that I get done with school on Friday at eleven o'clock. that way I can leave for fort worth much sooner. my arms are starting to hurt and I still have just gotten started. time is going by so slow. I want to get out of my supplement housing. I don't like having a room with three other guys. and I don't like my room not having a sink or a mirror. I sort of like the big classes though. it makes class seem more fun. I am so sleepy right now. I don't know if I want to do my home work any more. I might just want to go home and take a nap. my room is so cold. we tried to get the a/c turned down but it still blows super cold air. and plus I sleep on the top bunk right by the a/c vents so it blows right on me. I always get a really cold nose in the middle of the night. and I also have a room mate with a really loud alarm. his alarm constantly goes off and he keeps hitting the snooze button. so every nine minutes it goes off again and again and again. it's so annoying. it's like just freaking wake up or turn off your alarm. I don't understand these people. and would be trying to sleep and then he walks into the room and turns on the lights which light up the whole room. and I'm trying to sleep. he has a little lamp but he doesn't use that instead. talk about no consideration. I don't like having to go down the hall to the bathroom just to brush my teeth. or going down to the bathroom just to put some lotion on my face. I want to be able to just wake up and do all that in front of a sink and a mirror that I don't have and what every body else does. I am getting tired of writing and I'm glad that the twenty minutes is almost up. I wonder if you guys are really going to be reading this thing all the way through. I wonder if you think I'm weird for saying some things that I have said. I wonder if I'm the only person that feels this way. last time I played basketball and now I am very sore. it's hard for me to walk around. I think I'm about to fall asleep on the computer. I can barely keep my eyes open. well sorry guy but my twenty minutes just about to up. bye bye and I hope y'all have a good day.

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15

What an evening! I have every bad event that has taken place tonight on my mind right now because now I am in the worst mood. I went with my suitemate to pick up food from Taco Cabana. Everything was going good, but then we had to wait forever for our food. Then when we got to the window, we had to send her drink back because it was the wrong size. Finally, we got our food, and it was right. We drove back to our dorm. The Castilian has a very strange structure that they call their parking garage. I park on the end of the row, and it is almost impossible to get in to. After ten minutes, I finally got my car in my assigned spot. When we were getting out, she grabbed the food and I grabbed the two drinks. We had to wait forever forever for the parking garage elevator. FInally, it came and we headed up to our room. I stacked the two drinks on top of eachother and supported them with my chin as I attempted to unlock my door. As I was doing this, I even heard my suitemate offer to hold the drinks while I opened the door, but I just ignored because I thought I had them. I made it in the door successfully, but as I was going to set them down, I dropped both of them all over my area rug. Irate, I bent over to pick up all of the ice on the floor and I screamed how much I really wanted a soda since I haven't had one all week! I knew I had to get my rug washed otherwise it would be stained. I proceeded to head down to the laundry room but realized I had forgotten the detergent. All the while, keeping in my mind that my food was upstairs getting cold. When I walked in to the laundry room, I whacked my hip bone on the door knob, and even as I type this, I can feel the bruise forming. I kept walking towards the washing machines and didn't notice a puddle of water on the floor. I slipped 3 times before making it to the machine. I was so mad by this time that I just decided to wash my rug without any detergent. Now, here I am sitting in my room so pissed about all the events. I get back in my room and the internet is not working!! I realize that I am so sick of fighting with the Apogee people that run our internet connections in our dorm. So now, here I am eating the soggy nachos that I paid 6 bucks for. All I can smell is the food, but now I'm really not hungry. You should hear the neighbors across the hall making the situation all the more worse. Their TV or radio is really loud and I can hear it from here. Oh geez, now they're knocking on my door. "Is your internet working?" It just came back up a few minutes ago is what I told them. For a day that was going too good, it has now taken a turn for the worst. Now I am thinking about the phone call I just made to my mom a little bit ago after all the excitement. She did not offer me ANY words of advice! "Things happen!" she said. Wow! No kidding!! I don't think anything else can go wrong, unless my internet decides to cut off while I am writing this. I look around my room and all I can see is a big mess! As of right now, an optimistic attitude is way out of the question! I'm seeing my WET school books on the ground as a result of the tumbling tower of drinks. WOW!! I think this is the worst mood I've ever been in! My room is freezing, my floor is wet, my rug is down in the dryer (which I have to go get in an hour--great!), and my neighbors are a pain in the rear. My suitemate is playing sad music really loud and it is drifting in to my room. It is reminding me of an ex-boyfriend that I have back home! He acts so funny sometimes. He thinks he is so hard to get when I know that when I go down there, he will come right back to me. He's been acting like such a jerk to me lately along with all the other losers that live back home. I was supposed to try to get a lot of things done on the internet tonight, as far as classes, and now I am completely set back. Nursing homework, psych writing assignment, and retrieving bio notes were just a few of many things that I was supposed to do. My stomach is growling because I am so mad. It gets like this when things go wrong. I HATE WHEN THINGS GO WRONG!! My mom's words are ringing in my ears. "Things Happen!" "I just got done telling dad how good of a mood you sounded in when I talked to you earlier!" THen come my suitemate's words. "Chill out girl! It's going to be alright!" I don't think that will EVER happen at this rate!

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6

I have a stuffy head and runny nose, and I have to carry cleanex around with me and it;s kind of embarassingf to vlow your nose in class and its feels gross and clogged. I look for nice looking peoople to sit next to in class and I feel like eceryione feels the same way about being here, like its all brand new and and no one is totally comftorable and we're all looking for a place to be comftorable. there are a bunch of girls around her ea and its funny how little contact with guys I've had in the past couple of weeks. I miss the guys in knew and was friends with in highschool and danny but I don't really miss him, but id like to see him again and talk to him. the guys here are pretty much attractive but I guess that since I'm in a new world I walk around t\afraid to talk to anyone really except for nice looking girls. I've met people, but I am totally stressed out and I'm going a bunch of different directions, and I can't focus on anybody and I can't calm myself down. veronica is comingf up today or tomorrow for a visit and I wonder how it will be especially since I've been so stressed out. I can't believe I slept for over nine hours and I don't feel completely rested. it totally understand how people pay for caffeine pills here, because this is only the third day of class. excercise will help relieve my stress I think, so I'm going to kickboxing in a little while. the only thing about that is I don't even know where the damn building is, and I have to run past this strange campus past a million strange people to take a brand new class I've never been to, and I;ll probably feel guilty because I haven't even started to stud7y yet. I know ill be ok but right now I'm making it very hard for myself to have much fun. I wonder what I'll we'll do tonight? I really want a zeta to call me and ask me to go out. even though its c razy I would have loved to be dragged out of bed and taken out to eat at six in the morning, but no one every came for me, and as far as I know no one ever called for me either. its a good thing because I needed to work out and sleep like I did and not drink. its even a wednesday and they took us out to party hardy, I don't know how these fgirls can run, because they even look fgood and have boyfriends and make food grades and go out and study and sleep. I guess its all time management and I'l;ll e\definately be forced to learn it, at least I have tom ake mysels learnit ior ill go crazy. I want to go call a zeta and hjand out with her because we will be friends one day and probably be partyingh together four years from now, hopefully. I think the purpose of a sorority must be not so much to give you a place as a freshman, whichis nice and it does do, but it makes a small close world for you of very cool poeople when you are a sopjomore and a junior. I don't know how much I would want to be conected to the sorority my senior year, but just the girls and the people I had met from being a part of it. it think it would be somewhat like cheerleading was, where by your junior and esp senior year you aren't really interested int he younger girls, and you really do your own thing. but that owould be awesome anyway because at that point hopefully I;ll be absorbed into my new life and begining a career. I have to miss the first ut football game!!I wish the zetas had a section, but maybe I can go to the tailgate party anyway if I find someone to go with, and veronica will bve here. I hope when she leaves I don't geet homesilck like I did nwhen momm and the fgirls came up. I can't believe I've really only talied to daddy once since I left san antonio. he sent me a nice letter and a nicer jchekc but too bad that a hundred dollars won;t go to o fast. being at ut in austin I dfeel like I'm in a totally different world, and I ,\can really see whant they meant about not having the time or interest to go visit other campuses. I just htought about how much fun it will be to go to aand m tosee the cross country team run, but it feels like it would take monumental organization and effort to bget up there, especially not having a car. onely four more minutesleft to type. imi liking this assignment because it reminds me of the creative writing class wiht mrs cummings nadnd how I enjoued myself in there and the free writings we would have which got easier and easier to do as the time went on, and I culd see myself more and more on the paper,and the way my thoughts went. I really like journaling but its uncomfroable to werite and I walways stop to do it late at night when I'm tired and if I do it in the morning it is eems like I get latzy and don't want to get out of bed aftereards, and I have to re read it and see all the obsesive stuff about brett wihich I am forgetting forutunately and unfortunatley. the way it isi I'm glad I don't have a boyfriend, bnot because I can run around a nd get play or do stuff with guys, but v\beecause it hink it would hadd another huge element of stresssand I really don't need that right now. I thought vivian is so gorgeous and her bf is not that cute. andni told bvern to say hi to jason for me, hut to just because I liked him and thought he was a nice guy but not because I was interested or flirting at all, or had been thin,king babout him. now the says she told him he shoul come to austin with reza, and that would be fun, but I'm thinking kind of weird too, and I don't reallywant to party with reza or old high school friends if I'm there only because of veronica and jason who lives in san antonio. I know I'll have a fun weekend because thats the only option up here, but I hope I get lots of sleep too. all done

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25

I am reading a book called Atlas Shrugged and it is affecting my consciousness and belief system more significantly than any novel I've ever read. Ayn Rand wrote it and it's just a metaphorical portrayal of her philosophy of Objectivism, but the book touches on subjects that I feel are very important to all humans. I find myself newly enraged at those incompetent people of the world. Not because they are incompetent but because they are the ones who ask for help and breaks and favors by those people who built the society in which we live. The anti monopoly law is a perfect example of this. Why should the men who built the country be penalized just to give the other people who weren't strong, smart, or productive enough a "fair" chance. It really is disgusting. Just as is, in the theatre department they don't allow one person to get too many leads in order to give other people a chance. THIS IS STUPID. If those others who would never otherwise get a chance can't cut it, then they don't deserve a chance to begin with do they? I also notice the moral depravity of some of my friends. These are the ones who are joining fraternities in order to get breaks when they go into the real world. Personally I would hate knowing that I found my station in life by the grace of one of my old drinking buddies. I would much rather know that my hard work, intelligence and talent got me to where I was. But not many people think like this anymore. I guess that I just have way too much faith in my abilities, but I'm glad I do. Ayn Rand is right in saying that incompetency should not be rewarded in society, but it is. So in the book, all of these genius men, who have built of the industrial world are becoming much too regulated, to the point of ridicule, so one guy called John Galt decides that all of the producers should go on strike against the looters. He decides to stop the motor of the world - hence, Atlas Shrugged. So one by one, men who own oil companies and car, and coal, etc. starts disappearing and the world fall apart. It is such a great argument too. You should never take advantage of the hand that feeds you, especially if you haven't the abilities to perform their task as well as they have. This is not, however, indicative of a condoning of ruthless, unfair capitalism. The men who build the world in this book form a secret Utopia and their motto is that they will never give to any man anything, nor will they take more than is their due. Thus, charging unfair prices etc. is just as bad as giving breaks to the dumbasses. Anyway, I have this friend called Jason and since this is for psychology, hopefully someone will read this and can tell me what his problem is. Actually he's not my friend anymore because I don't want such an asshole for a friend. He's the only person I've ever met in my life that truly believes that he's better than everyone around him. You hear of people speaking of someone like this but they are never quite as serious about it as I am. He thinks that he's found the only way to living, and it's so wrong it's sad. The only thing by which he measures success is economic gain. I have heard say horrible things about all of his "friends" and have heard what he's said about me behind my back. I've overheard him saying that he's set in life because when his dad dies he's going to get 500000. This wouldn't be so bad if his parents abused him or something but they are the nicest people in the world and give him everything he wants. Of course, this is probably the root of his problem. I've noticed that he doesn't go to parties unless he's throwing them. If he actually does go to one, afterward he makes it a point to call out all of the things that in his eyes were bad about it. He doesn't want to hang out with these people because they are irresponsible and are potheads, while he smokes just a much pot as they do. And, they pay rent and go to school all on their on while he does nothing but loot off of his parents. He really has sever problems. I guess you'd just have to know him to know exactly what I mean, the biggest asshole ever. Anyway, uhmmmmmm, I went back home this weekend to get my car and I got to see my dog. I missed her more than I missed my parents. She’s so pretty. She's a golden lab retriever and she sleeps in my bed with me every night, Just as she has since she was a puppy. the other day my mom almost got her run over by letting her go to the bathroom without the leash, she ran out in front of a car and they had to swerve up into our yard to miss her. Pretty scary. but she was ok thank god, just really scared. She had her tail between her legs all night long. My roommate is really cool and nice thank god. you never know what kind of freak you're going to get when you go pot luck, thank goodness he's not a freak. He's listens to a different kind of music than I do, but that's cool, because I'm learning a new genre. anyway, my 20 minutes are up so bye bye.

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5

Well, I am almost ready to leave tomorrow back to my house in fort worth, although I would like it to be better to go back because since I have to work tomorrow, that makes it kind of boring and I cannot stop thinking about work instead of enjoy my time over there. Every time I go I always expect to spend some time with my girlfriend, that actually never really happens, I don't really know how I feel about it because sometimes I feel frustrated that I cannot do anything about it but then I analyze the circumstances and then everything gets better in my head. The fist thing I have to do before I leave is get all my homework done, including this assignment that I didn't want to leave for tomorrow because then it would keep me awake all night just like all my homework does. Since the first day that I slept in this dorm, it seems that the bed is not for me or something, I cannot fall asleep, and if I do, I wake up every 20 min and look at my clock to see if it's time to go to class. I remember I used to love school when I was in high school last year, everything was so cool, nothing was going so bad to call it bad, grades, girlfriend, family MONEY, but now some times I feel so ready to just drop out and get all this stuff over with, I cannot handle so much stress, never had so much actually. anyways, the only thing that keeps me up is my own will because I know I'm not a failer. Hard times are only tests that will lead me to a high hill and then the way down will feel really good!. The biggest problem that I have and that I think already gave me a pain in my neck, well that's because I cannot sleep and keep on moving at nights so I think that my neck pain is indirectly related to my economic problems. I have to pay my whole semester rent next monday, that's one of the reasons I'm going home tomorrow, to get a juicy check that will just fly away from my hands. I only I was living in my house and going to a college near, I would be able to keep all that money and use it to get rid of my debt and actually be able to buy a gift for my girlfriend. I have bunches of pictures of her all around my room. I also have pictures of my mother and little sister. she is 6 and I miss her. I hope tonight I can fall asleep easy so I won't be tired during my 2 hour drive. everytime I drive tired I get nervous and think that I may fall asleep and all these thoughts come to my mind that I'm going to crash a big truck and never make it home. I know that the odds are really small and then I get better once I start listening to this exact same music I'm listening to right now. its a band called mana, is from mexico and they play really good kidda alternative music but is really meaningful and then they talk about world peace and they help children with massive foundations, with no doubt my favorite band. they are coming to dallas next october, I can't wait till then to go to the concert, I went to one last november and I still remember almost every second of it, this time I'm thinking on taking my girlfriend to make the concert even better. I just hope that I will have money to but the tickets then, cause now I don't. jeje, A few hours ago I was doing my physics homework, it's just really hard, when I was in high school I was the best kid on physics and now I just feel really bad when I don't understand!, never happened before, I don't know if is because I cannot concentrate or because it's just really hard or because I'm loosing my intelligence, I think of that all the time, I have this scholarship that is helping me a lot with my finances but if my gpa goes down 3. 0 , they will take it away and then I will really be in deep trouble. I just saw a picture or one of the pictures I have of my girlfriend in my room and that reminded me that I have to ask her if her dad said yes! finally. we have been going out for almost a year and she just turned 18 last saturday, I was a really nice night, the problem is that her father doesn't know about us yet, we are afraid we might not like our relationship and then all would fall down. I feel guilty for making her disobey her dads rules but we love each other and finally I would be the happiest guy ever if I can make it trough this semester maintaining a good gpa and if my girlfriends dad agrees on our relationship. When I think of these, it feels like everything is worth it to wait and suffer and not sleep and study like crazy, so that's what I'm going to do

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17

It started out kind of good because school hadn't started. All I had to worry about was relaxing, working out, and enjoying life. Now, another variable, school, has been injected into the equation. I realize that it is a necessary evil because without it, I can never advance in life. Hopefully, one day I can work only when I want to work. Until then I will try to make the best of my life and enjoy every day like it was my last. You know, I should start my mission statement right now. I have also been wanting to put together a compilation of my own philosophies so that I would have a road map to live my life. I wish it were that easy. Anyway, here I am revealing how my mind works. It is kind of like a release to me. I should do this more often. Recently, I have been thinking a great deal about my own shortcomings. These include my limited ability to speak, my limited athletic ability, and my the fact that I am not as charming and smooth as I want to be. Part of me wants to admit these shortcomings and accept it. The other part of me says I should always keep a positive outlook and refuse to accept these traits. I am at a point in my life where I don't know if I can ever fully improve this. As much as I would like to, it seems that I have hit a plateau and maximized my potential. But I guess I have to keep hope. Moving on to other subjects, I wonder if I will ever find a woman to spend the rest of my life with. Relationships require so much work, more than I may be willing to put in. This bothers me because I don't want to be 60 years old and lonely. Sometimes I realize that having faults, emotions and feelings is part of the price I have to pay for being a human.

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20

This comp science lab is pretty nice and I'm kind of confused about what to say or do here. I mean I've been thinking about all this stuff lately and now that I come to write stuff down nothing really comes to mind except filler, you know, the kind of random thoughts you think that don't really mean much at all, I mean look at this thing I'm typing right now! I didn't make the band but that's ok I guess more time for Geology 401 and Matt isn't in it either so its all good. I want to go swing dancing tonight but Jeff isn't there (well and Rob's line is busy so its kind of bunk) cause I take the bus, but it doesn't run as late as I'll be out. Anyway. Um well lets see I guess I'm supposed to be writing about what I'm like thinking and stuff. Actually I'm wondering if anyone will ever read this, so I'm somewhat apprehensive: I've been thinking some pretty damn personal stuff lately so I don't really want to broadcast on the World Wide freaking Web. I also just typed a profanity and replaced it with a euphemism. I guess that's in case someone actually reads this too. Cara. Hehehe that was cryptic, wasn't it?? See I'm kind of giving a vague notion here. I just type what I think. So there you have it. Wow Five minutes and my wrist feels funny. the FAC Typing things. keyboards, I mean. they aren't very ergonomic if you know what I mean and the surface of the desk kind of hurts. Replace Keyboard. Well it looks like Matt is getting into this assignment, too. which is really kind of cool when I think about it. It will be interesting to me to actually go back and read the thing, cause I'm always editing what I write but now I'm just kind of going forward. relax. I don't know let me see well I'm kind of hungry, isn't that like part of the Id? I always heard about that-- you know, along with Superego and stuff hey check it out I just read the instructions while I was typing that line and I didn't even miss any keys. Not bad eh? This is kind of odd for me in another way, too because I'm a Linguistics Major and well see I know most of the stuff they teach in 306 already, but the Professor seems cool enough. No more high school. Ten minutes to go. Living at home is ok. I can take the metro bus. Matt is cracking up. If you read his (That's "Kay, Matthew") you probably shouldn't count it as much cause I can hear him stop typing to re-read what he already wrote and that's not ver continuous, now is it? I hope I have enough money for food this week. $20 has to last me. I hat this space bar it sucks a lot. You have to hit it real no really hard just to make it go. see what I mean?? I hate it when people use adjectives instead of the proper adverbs. How hard is it to put on a little anyway? My generation doesn't care, I guess. She's so smart. In fact she went to Duke when she was a Junior in High School. Damn it I get mad just picturing her somewhere else having fun with someone else. But its cool I don't have to worry. or so I say. how could someone so Awesome be alone for long? No no no. I only see her once a week. It will never work. Okay. well no I'm better. I didn't mean to go all mushy, in fact I'm thinking about going back and deleting that stuff. you know, in the name of science and all. Isn't that weird how I use the second person? As if I actually expect it to enhance readability or something! I guess I'm trying to make this whole thing like a VERY one sided conversation. Click click goes the happy little keyboard. My fedora is on the table. I learned the other day that its a Bush Hat from Australia and not really a fedora but its all good because I still think it looks good. People think I'm funny wearing a fedora all the time, but I don't care. They can just piss off. I get lots of Indiana Jones jokes. Loss. I'm at a loss here. Ever since that paragraph where I talked about her it got all funky and now its happening again. No. I have a striped shirt on that's white and burnt orange but nobody said anything. I guess that's ok but I thought it was really nifty. 20 minutes seems like a long time at first but then I guess when you get to the end of it its not really WELL DAMN Matt is looking at my screen, that bastard. I had to stop typing for a sec to make him look away. I guess he didn't see anything deeply embarrassing. rrHahahah Well times up. I want my cookie.

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30

I wonder if he is thinking of me???? I am glad I am finally getting this done cause there is no need for procrastination now. I need to do all this as soon as I get it. I had done this before but I could not submit it. I have something special with Alex and I know how he feels and he is different. he isn't like all other guys he is innocent and pure and he would not hurt me. I hope not to hurt him. I need him and need someone like that. someone to take care of me and to be there for me if I need to talk someone to talk to me and someone that I can take care of and love too. he is perfect in my eyes and although he might not know that he is he is wonderful. he will never know I guess. he is there for me when I most needed him. he has held me when I cried and has made me laugh when I was sad/ I owe a lot to him. we have spent a lot of time together and it has been really fun. I wonder if he knows how much fun I have had with him. I don't think he understands. I am going through a hard time and I am going through a big transition, but I think I am doing fairly well. I have not cried much. my roommate went home this weekend and I felt kind of lonely cause we are used to going places together and it felt weird to come home and be alone and not have someone to talk to or even argue with. we had gotten into an argument before this weekend and the time that we were apart really helped us understand each other. we are okay now. my exboyfriend has given me a hard time too. I don't want to be with him anymore, yet he still persists. he know that I am dating Alex and that it is over between us yet he still calls and he still asks questions like where were you and who were you with. I want to get away from that I am tired of having to answer questions about my own life. I want to be free and to be able to do what I want and that I think is right not what other people think I should do. it isn't fair to me if I have to make someone else happy before I could do things for my own freedom. it important to be free because without freedom a person is not happy or simply can't be an individual. there are many things to do here in Austin and many many people to meet and make friends with. I have had a good time so far and I have enjoyed going to class and learning. although I do think that I should read a little more. I will be fine though. Claudia and Alex will be there if I need anything.

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15

As I sit here, I wonder what I got myself into. I came from a school of 300 people. I graduated with a senior class of 76. The University is such a huge place, I wonder if I'm going to fit in, or should I say, make my self conscious of my surroundings. It's not that I don't like my classes that I have now, or that they are already becoming a problem, but I wonder what the future holds. My birthday is today, and I am finally 18. It seems like it took forever for me to get to this point. But now that I finally made it, it's no different. My mom called this morning to wish me a Happy Birthday, and she sounded kind of sad. Her little baby girl is now 18. She asked my why it went by so quickly, but looking back, it took forever. My grandparents also called this morning. They live across the street from my old house, and I was continuously over there visiting them. She told me that she still thinks that I'm going to come through that door and ask her what's for dinner. She says it's like I'm gone for the weekend, but I'll return soon. And my grandpa, well, he's my favorite. Every time I look at him, I see all of his hard work and strength that he has put into his life. Raising 8 kids is no easy job. The day after their 50th wedding anniversary, everybody attended mass, almost all 27 grandchildren, 16 sons and daughters, and a couple of greatgrandchildren. I was going to read for the mass. I went up to the podium and I looked out there at all of my family and then looked at my grandpa. I was so proud to be a part of that. I was thankful that God allowed me to be there and have that feeling. And now when I talk to him on the phone, I get that feeling all over again. I miss him dearly. Sometimes I think more than I miss my mom or my brother. Now, my step dad, I don't miss him at all. Sometimes I look back, and I don't know how I put up with him so long. He is so evil and cruel, at least he was or is to me. He married my mom when I was 6 years old. I didn't know him that well; my mom always made me go outside and play when he came over. He was just a total control freak. Nobody in my mom's family likes him because of all the pain he's caused me over the years. From getting in my face and just yelling at me for no apparent reason, to slapping me across the face because my mom and I had gotten into a name calling fight. He's a dick, that's all there is to it. I never brought friends over to spend the night; I never wanted any guys to come over to see me. My escape place was at my grandparent's house. I would tell my dad about all the shit he was putting me through, but there was nothing he could do about it. All he would tell me was that I could come up there and live with him any time I wanted to. On weekends I was hardly home, I was usually spending the night at Holly's house, she is my best friend. Now that I'm at college, I don't have to put up with him anymore. I don't plan on coming home anytime soon. My mom and brother can come up here if they want to see me. Talking about what comes to mind is difficult. I feel that I have burdened you with all of my family problems. Don't feel sorry for me, I don't. Life is just a difficult thing to deal with sometimes.

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29

At the present time, I am content to be writing. It's almost time to go to sleep, and this is very relaxing. I am listening to eminem on mtv. I do not like eminem. I hate to cough. I am coughing because of this stupid dorm room and some studid mold that they think is just the paint doing wierd things. I think that my throat is doing better though, the medication is kicking in finally after about 6 days of torturous soreness. I just talked to Jonathan, he is the greates guy in the world. But i don't want him to think that I am the only girl in the world for him. I think that it is funny that a lot of girls thought are about boys. I just want to have fun this year, and not have a boyfriend. I think it is important to just meet people and have connections with each person you come in contact, but they don't have to be any thing more than at that moment. Its really late, I wish that I wouldn't put things off till the last minute. I have had such a long day, and am ready for bed. My bed feels so good. I love the fact that I am so comfortable in my dorm with my roomates. They are so great, and fun to be with. Chaps is my roommate. I think that name is kind of different, but she like it so I just call her that. I love this song by Michelle Branch. She ironically is talking about saying goodbye to a boyfriend. That is what I have had to do for the past year. It was incredibly hard. But I hated the way he acted when he left for college my senior year. I felt so guilty for wanting more out of my senior year than having a boyfriend 300 miles away. He wanted more, and I feel so bad. He has some self-confidence issues. I think the fact that I actually was dating him was great for the self - confidence thing. But once we separated, it just hit him so hard. We are really good friends, but I really think he still wants more. Someday, I might also, but not now. I love that the Zeta's symbol is the strawberry and the queen. It is so exciting. I am so excited about organizing my New Member book. I love organizing. It almost gives me some kind of high. To be totally organized, and know where everything is. I need that kind of stability in my life, because I do so much and stretch myself in so many difections. I don't know how I am going to do Sororities, get my GPA up to at least a 3. 8, and do two organizations outside of school, (which is required by Zeta sorority). But I perform best under pressure, so the more the merrier. I am so excited about Texas Spirits, that is the organization that I hope to join, as my organization to have to join. Jessica is in Texas Spirits, and I love her. She was the person that made my decision for Zeta Tau Alpha so concrete in my mind. I dreamed that I was a Zeta the night before i found out which one picked me. I think it was a sign or something. Jessica means so much to me, but she is always too busy with Katie Johnson. Today, she did give me a card with a picture of us in it saying that she is sorry she hasn't been there to hang out with me as much as she wanted to. Zeta is going to be so awesome to be a part of. I love the friends that I have made so far. I just really think that the parties that are involved are a little too numbered throughout the week, I mean they want us to get good grades, and be in all these organizations. Yet they give us all these mixers to go to to meet people which I love to do, but they are on week nights. Oh well, I just am going to have to limit my participation in them. I miss my high school friends. I haven't talk to Rosie in ages, and Casey didn't even say goodbye before she left. I am going to have to send them an email pretty soon. The sound of the mouse and keyboard are such wierd noises. And so are the sounds that come out of the actual computer. I always have wondered what makes the little clicking noises in the computer. I mean is it gears shifting, or electrons being shot out of some kind of machine. I want to know. That is interesting. And I am glad to be done.

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19

A lot of things to do. What is that smell? People keep talk to me while trying to finish this. what time is it? I have to finish my project before 5:00. Clicking of the keys. don't have time to finish everything. What is that beeping sound. Telephone ringing, someone answer the phone or stop calling. Maybe people just don't want to talk. You would think people would get the idea that no ones home after they let the phone ring 50 million times. Got to get to class. I don't care if the thing is wrong. I just need to be alone to finish my things. Mother walks in and out of the room. Josh keeps trying to find the cats. Can't hear what is happening on the TV in the other room. Candy, I want some. Don't eat them all. I haven't had one. how much longer do I have. Oh, it is also time for me to leave. 12 o'clock p. m. " Is that clock fast. Josh keeps walking up and down the hall. Sit still. Only a few more minutes. I need to call Emily back. It been a while since I talk to her. Have no time to talk. I hope she is not mad at me for it. We need to get together and do something. I need to finish that project if only this would go a little faster. That would nice if I could all my stuff in time. Time should just stand still and let me catch up with everything. That is so funny a poodle coat dyed pink. That must catch everyone's eye when they are walking on the street. Who would dye the dog coat a different actually I think I would but not pink too showy.

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1

I just set my alarm on the cell phone because I didn't want to over write or something. I'm listening to Fiona Apple's song. It's called Across the Universe, I think. I don't know if I was supposed to put quotations around the title of the song. Yes, I'm sure that's what I was supposed to do. This writing assignment is kind of weird cause I don't know what I'm supposed to be writing about and sometimes this freedom makes me kind of weird on the subject. Too much freedom isn't always comfortable, I guess. I can't stop thinking about how bad I feel that I didn't go to my philosophy class on Tuesday. It's not because the professor sucks. Or at least I don't think it is cause I know he does kind of not get the point across. He's too vague. too much vagueness and too much freedom. Both are not good especially if you want structure. I need structure in my life. I do because sometimes I think that I know what I'm doing and what I want to do but it just doesn't work out that way and I think it's because I just want things to be scheduled or I can't get them done. I don't' know how to structure my life, though. This song makes me so depressed even though I like it a lot. I don't know what to write about. I don't know if I'm supposed to continuously type, without stopping, or if I can stop to think about what I want to write about but not get away from the computer. I feel like my writing isn't quality writing here, but I guess that's the point of writing this. I've been writing for four minutes. I know. I stopped to look at the clock. I want to talk to my boyfriend. We got into a fight today because he was upset that I didn't call him and went over to a friend's dorm room. I know that's not what he's upset about though. I know it's because this friend of mine is a guy. I hate that he's so jealous like that. I mean, I don't mind if he wants to show me that he cares, but getting upset with me and hanging up with me like that, I just don't like. Especially embarrassing me in front of my friend. I've known my friend, Jonathan, longer than I have been with my boyfriend. I don't' know. I guess my boyfriend is just paranoid. I love him a lot though. I just wish we had what we had in the beginning of our relationship: blind love and trust. I don't know. I guess that once you go out with someone for so long, things just fly away and you're left with what you always thought you weren't going to do and be and say and feel. I understand why some women cry about their husbands beating them but yet they don't leave. It's called love with a condition. She loves him because she's been with him for so long. I'm thinking that maybe if I didn't type so fast, I wouldn't end up with too much for this writing assignment. First of all, I think this is the coolest writing assignment. Not only because we have this freedom, which I think can get a little demanding. I think it's neat because we can write what we think. It isn't an essay on the revolution of blah blah. It's what I feel and think and want to say, which is always nice, especially in writing. I'm used to doing this though I guess cause I write in my journal often. I never type though, so I guess I'm getting more said. And believe it or not, I always worry about space on my journal. Like, I worry that I'll "waste" too many spaces on only one entry. I think I'm so weird. I guess I do kind of like to keep things in order and not waste too much. I am like that in many ways I guess. But I'm also guessing it's a better trait to have than not. I don't know. My computer is making funny noises. I hate my computer cause I paid close to two thousand dollars for it and it doesn't even shut down properly. Plus, stupid Dell won't help me any. I write them and tell them of my technical problem and they just reply to my emails with dumb strategies that don't even work. I've already tried a million times. It makes me want to not fix it at all and just shut it down with the power surge adaptor under my desk. I miss home. I wish I could go home and be with my mom and not worry about money or food or weight. I'm gaining so much weight. I lost about ten pounds my senior year and everybody was complaining that I looked anorexic. Now that I'm in Austin, I've already gained those ten back and I'm scared that now I'll turn into too big of a girl, that ill be that girl, the bigger one than all the other girls. I was only maybe 110 pounds but because all of my friends weighed 90, I looked bigger. Maybe that's why they never wanted to go out with me. I don't know. Maybe it's cause I'm Korean, I don't look like most of the people where I'm from. The Rio Grande valley: either you're Mexican or some type of Mexican. Even the general white population was considered a minority there. Anyway but yeah I used to be cheerleader/student council president and all other kinds of stuff in junior high and I got to high school and cheerleading sucked because I was a freshman and everything else sucked. All my friends turned into druggies. About half of them went to rehab. I feel bad for them. But then again. I don't know. They're here at UT with me. Well, most of them. Does that mean I'm almost equivalent to a druggie? I've never done any drug besides drinking and smoking cigarettes and even that I don't do often. I wish I could find answers to some stupid questions that are so insignificant. Whatever. All I know is that I want my future to bright and successful. I actually want to write. I want to sit and write my poems and my thoughts and write a book, but I know that won't ever be possible. I wouldn't' be able to do it as my job, my career. I know I need food to eat and money to pay bills with and writing books, especially when you're barely starting off, won't get you too much on the table and in your pockets. I don't know. I wish I had the patience to go through medical school but I don't think I could, and besides, I suck at sciences. I would never be able to go through all those damn chemistry and biology classes. I would die. I really would. Why would I want to shoot so high for a career that will only bog me down with way too many hours? Actually, the guy I was talking about before, Jonathan, he has an uncle who is a doctor and he's so rich and makes his own hours, basically. He's working in the ER right now because he likes to travel, and ER doctors can usually go work at whatever hospital. I'm so tired. My shoulders hurt. My boyfriend is coming tomorrow to see me. I'm so excited. We've been going out for two years. It's like we're both from the valley and it's like I'm going to be able to see a part of the old me, at home. I haven't seen him for two weeks, which is nothing compared to the long separation periods when I was a senior in high school and he was a freshman up at A&M. yup, he's an aggie. Funny how I got to be a longhorn. I don't even have all that pride in being one. I didn't even look into buying a sports packet to go watch the game. I wish I was back to being my peppy self like I was in junior high. Did I kill myself? Or did I let other people kill me? Did I let other people tell me I wasn't good enough? I don't know. I want it to be 9:24 so I can stop writing. My shoulders hurt and my neck hurts. I feel too pressured doing this. But yet, I like this writing assignment.

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14

As I sit here in my dorm room, I am thinking about what I am supposed to do tonight. I have signed with the fraternity Sigma Alpha Mu and I am not sure what pledging is going to be like. It could be tough and it could be easy. My roommate is here and he is going to take a nap so I need to try to be quiet as I type. I am kind of anxious about this year and what the year will be like. There are so many people here and I am not sure whether I am fitting in well or not. Anyway, I get side tracked easily. I am going to the house at 7 PM and there we are going to be introduced to all the older guys and then we will probably introduce ourselves to the rest of the pledge class. I am anxious to meet all the cool guys who I am going to be spending the rest of my life with in college and hopefully there after also. I miss all my close friends at home. I live in Atlanta Georgia and they are mostly going to UGA but some of them are spread out across the country. I miss my friend Pamela the most and my best friend Michael the 2nd most but hey I hope they come and visit but if they don't oh well. My mom worries me cause she thinks I am doing alot of bad thing s here at school but really I’m not and I am being a good kid and trying to make good grades. I miss my little brother too. he is 13 years old and he is in 8th grade. I hope that he is having fun in junior high school cause I know I did. I keep telling him that high school is the best time of your life. He believes me but he cannot wait until next year when he can go to high school. My great grandmother is very sick and she is 97 years old. I went to visit her the day before I left for school and I was thinking that I may never see her again. She has lived a long and happy life and whenever the time comes, I know that god was the one who wanted her up there. M<y roommate is going to nap now for real and I am supposed to wake him up in an hour. I hope I’m not still typing by then. The room is quiet now and I am the only one still making noise. My suite mates are all out at class and they will be back soon. I kind of always think about what I am going to be when I get older and when I am married and who am I going to marry and what my profession is going to be. I want to be an orthopedic surgeon but that is very hard to be and I am not sure if I can be that. But I set my goals already and that is my destiny for my future. I want to be successful and have a family of 4 and a nice looking, perfect wife who loves me for who I am not for what I look like or how much money I make. I am ending my stories with a quote :Shoot for the moon cause if you miss you will be amongst the stars.

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6

I'm busier than a one legged man in a butt-kicking' contest! I heard some statistic about how much college kids watch TV and I can honestly say that the only TV I've watched since I've been here is the football game because I haven't had enough time. I have a job, I'm in air force ROTC, I'm in a fraternity, and I'm on a couple intramural football teams. I have all of this to do after studying and doing homework. I don't think that I feel really stressed about anything, of course no grades have come out yet, but physically its very demanding. One day in ROTC I threw up 4 times as a result of probably being out of shape, but for the next week I just felt sick to my stomach. Some of that might have something to do with the food in jester being the greasiest, most repetitive food I've ever eaten. Also, I've lost 10 pounds since I've been here which disturbs me cause I used to work out every day and it sucks now that I can't. Another subject that is scaring me is money. My parents pay for college, but I didn't realize how much id already be spending. My dad always told me to limit myself to a monthly budget, but of course I didn't listen to his advice and now I might be paying for it. literally. My class load isn't that bad except for calculus. This damn class is kicking my ass. first of all, my professor doesn't speak English very well, but sometimes that doesn't even matter because in a class of 150 students he refuses to wear a microphone or even speak up so that anyone beyond the first three rows can hear him. And when we can hear him he speaks in some sort of math language so that when I take notes I'm sure that when I look at them later I will of thought that they were notes from some ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics class or something. So classes are going well!, now socially I have been having lots of fun. I've been lucky enough to meet a lot of girls but not smart enough to not date so many. I'm pretty sure I have a problem of leading girls on. For example there is this one girl who I've been hanging out with who I think ones to get a little more serious with me. Now I'm just a freshman and I don't want to get serious with anyone yet! But if I try to conspicuously avoid her (I still call and am nice to her, I just don't go to her house or anything) she, like most girls, pick up on that almost instantaneously, then she tries to make me feel guilty for say not coming to see her or something. Along with that there are some other girls who I've been talking to or seeing at parties. I guess you could say that I've been casually dating around, but next week there is this huge party and I'm really looking forward to it, but not to the awkward feeling of seeing all of these girls together at the same time because I'm sure all of them are going to be there. oh well!! I still love college.

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31

As I walk down the middle of campus with thousands of people rushing by me on their way to class, I feel like a star in the huge night sky. With so many stars scattered throughout the sky, I seem to go unnoticed and lost. This is a feeling that I have seldom felt. As an allstar volleyball player, the student council vice president, and the homecoming queen I have always been one of the brightest stars. Just a month ago, I seemed to have my entire world in order and what seemed to me perfection. I now feel lonely and intimidated as I embark on this new phase in my life. I feel like I no longer have control, and perfection seems harder to achieve than ever. Knowing that if I do not obtain a B in Chemistry 313, my dreams of becoming a nurse are next to impossible. Can my life long dreams honestly be shattered by one college course? As I search for answers, I question whether or not I made the right decision to choose to attend the University of Texas, or if I'm even college material at all. What am I saying? Going to college was never an option for me. I want a good life for my family and I, and I've always dreamed of becoming a nurse and helping those who need me. My parents have always taught me to do my best and work towards my dreams, but words are often easier said than done. However, I could not have made it through my first week at the university if not for the love and support I have received from my family. Throughout my life, I would probably have to credit at least fifty percent of my accomplishments to my family, because they are my strong hold. Though I regard them so highly, I also feel that in this instance they are somewhat of my downfall. The transition to college would not be such a struggle for me if my ties to my family and friends that I have left behind were not so great. It is incredibly hard for me to accept change, because I accept my surroundings and others and become comfortable with them and do not want to leave my comfort zone. I feel that this is somewhat peculiar because I realize that even if I was to remain the same, with the same friends and circumstances, the world and people around me would continue to change and grow and expand. Eventually I would be left behind. As I work to achieve and to be the best I can be, I hope that along the way I will find the happy, positive person that I once was and know I still am.

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27

At this present, I am feeling a lot of stress. I don't know why. There is so much going through my head right now, that I sometimes get confused. Maybe I'm just worrying about my grades and how my four years will come along at UT. I am concentrating at this screen, but feel kind of dazed and a little lonely. Come on now, hurry up and get through this. I am very strict on myself when it comes to following through with things. A few days ago, I took a quiz in my Bio 211 class. I don't think I did very well on it, and it's still nagging on me like an itch on my back that I can't reach. I have very high expectations of myself. I guess that's because of the way I was brought up, and the way I handled myself through my other years of schooling. In my high school, I was second in my class. I was that type of person who always had to get straight A's. Making a B was absolutely unacceptable in my mind. This had nothing to do with my mom. She really doesn't care what I get. I and only I brought on this extreme pressure that I put on myself. I guess if you're in a habit of always making good grades, it's a habit that's very hard to break. That is how I come to terms with my behavior and attitude towards work. I hate feeling awkward. I am very selfconscious. I don't know if it has to do with me being very shy, or what, but I get nervous easily. Sometimes I feel everyone is looking at me waiting for me to make a mistake. This happens to me wherever I go. Well, I'm getting a little tired and my head is starting to hurt. Maybe it's because I've been staring at this screen already for about ten minutes straight. I don't know. About my opinions about UT: I think it's a good school. The only complaint I have is the heat. It is very hot here. I don't remember it being this hot in Houston. I always wonder when the next cool day will come. When I first came here, I felt pretty homesick. Everything was new to me, and when I thought of the new responsibilities that I would have to grasp during the next four years, that really made me sweat. Not literally, but you get the idea. Now, I'm feeling pretty good. I am a very detailed oriented person. I write everything on lists, which includes my shortterm goals, my longterm goals. Everything. And every time I think of something else that I have to do in the near or distant future, I put in on a sheet of paper. I am really nervous about my future. I hope I will live beyond the expectations I have placed upon myself. I am really getting stressed out just thinking about it right now. My head feels like it's filled with cement at this moment. I got to relax and not take the mistakes I make too seriously. I am always serious. I am not a flamboyant person. Well, my twenty minutes are up now. Time to study.

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19

I survived . . so far. I think I'll do alright in college. I was thinking today that maybe I should have gone to UTA. Oh well. I met people from Nolan today. It was great. I don't think I've said it enough but I LOVE "Beautiful Thing"!! It's a great movie. I know I saw Blake's name today on a sewer lid, and I wasn't being paranoid. I really should talk to Kent soon. I miss him. I was on the verge of tears telling the psychologist about Blake, Amanda, and Millwood. It still hurts. I'm afrain not to take my meds. I can't wait to fall in love. Sometimes though I get very scared that I might mess someone else's life like mine. I have quite a bit of baggage and I'm not sure if anyone will go through. I miss Amanda. Damn allergies just hit me today. Peppermint Foot Lotion. Abuelita Cuca . . I wonder how she's doing. Renata & Seehum were so cute. "I'm going to make it afterall!" My frog makes a good pillow. I can't wait to see Kate. She left for Rome yesterday. I realized today I don't care what I do later in life as long as I have kids, friends, a nice house, and someone who'll always love me and be there when I die. Am I going to Hell? I still don't know. Mr. Rist would say I'm as good as damned now. Dying has so much stress attached to it. Maybe that's why I could never go through with it. I know that if I went back to a place like Millwood I'd give up and stay there forever or at least a month or two. I wouldn't care at all this time. I don't dream very much anymore. At least I don't remember them. I sleep so well during the day but it's harder at night. It's that damned melotonin crap. Commie Bastards! Oh well. God I wish my nose would stop dripping. I miss Kate sooooooo much! God bless her.

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30

Okay, 20 minutes. Hope I can turn this in on time! Blasted software! Need to get my car washed badly. Did so much driving this weekend. It's a good thing it rained though. It's so hot in Austin. Man, I'm a horrible typist. Wonder why I never learned to type? My hamster's munching down! He eats so loud. Wish my snake would eat:( She's only eaten once in 2 1/2 weeks. Need to call Herpethon. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Need to meditate on breath more frequently. Been slacking off on yoga practice. Should finish reading other book. Have to find out when that retreat is and how much it costs. Maybe Ryan would go too. Wonder where Ryan is? How was the concert? Should have gone. Clint got a Harley!? That's sweet. Can't wait to ride it. 8 more minutes. Oh yeah, getting close. Chicaboom Powpow. Ohhhh Yeeaah! Can't believe Donald Glaude spun that track at the party. That shit was phat. He was offthehook! Man that night broke me though. Need to get a job. Bills suck. "Going to take a walk outside today. Going to see what we can find today. " Raffi rules. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. Good. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. Relax. In. Out. Feel much better now. More energized. Shoulders are tense though. Need to get a massage. Watched Yellow Submarine twice yesterday. Such a great movie. I Love the Beatles. Cartoons rock too. Courtney's boyfriend is an awesome painter. Oop. 21 minutes. Time up

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13

I feel a little tired. It is cold in here. Maybe I'm tired because its cold in here. Why a writing this paper? Am I going to be judged on what kind of person I am by these rambling thoughts that I type down. I'm still mad that I lost my remote control to my reciever on the move up here. It will probably cost around 30 dollars to get a new one. You know I found it impossible to clear your mind of all thought, because to be able to do this you have to be thinking to remind yourself your not supposed to be thinking. Dad's birthday is this weekend. Probably going to go see him. I wonder how the new restraunt is doing. I wonder how Mark likes running it. I'm getting kind of hungry. To bad there is nothing to eat though. Man I need some money. Maybe I'll get a job working on my days off so that I can have enough money to eat. I still need to read chapter 2 in my psychology book. Its a pretty cool book I like the qoutes by the different people. This computer is under 1. 5 tons I would say. Man I need to get out of the house. All I do everyday go to class come home eat study watch tv go to sleep. And then the next day get up clean the place up eat study watch tv study shower well I guess I shower the day before two and then go to sleep. UT is very different. I had 40 people in my senior class and everybody was extremly friendly. Here everbody is different. Maybe they weren't raised the same as me to be polite to everybody. That alright. I'm sure I'll find some friends that have the same views as me. Whats the deal with all my classes talking about how depressed you are supposed to get. Its kinda like they are telling you that if you don't become depressed then you arent normal. Maybe I will, just to be like everyone else. Nah. Maybe I should start lifting weights again or swim. Man this is weird. I keep thinking in the back of my head that this is supposed to be stream of concious but for some reason I keep trying to make sense on way I saying. Damn that really scared me the dang air conditioner just made a helluva loud noise. That reminds me of the questionare that I had to fill out for the experimental research for this class. Are you afraid of spiders do you constantly look for spiders do you dream of spiders thats crazy. Hey that reminds me of Saturday Night Live. Thats Crazy. That pretty funny. Mispelled thats. Oh well. One minute left tick tock tick tock tick tock oh no time has stopped 2:34 AM that is what it says why is it when you notice time it goes by so much slower ding ding 2:35 our time here is done.

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17

I don't know what to write about really and I have a bunch of other things on my mind. I haven't eaten breakfast yet and I'm pretty hungry, but I fear that if I don't do this now I might never get around to doing it. the assignment doesn't seem to be that difficult, but sometimes I have trouble thinking of things to say. I'm not going to my calculus study session because I think it will mainly be review of what I have already learned in high school. my roommates friend Henry just called and somewhat interrupted my thoughts. I don't think my roommate likes Henry very much but I don't know that for sure. he always calls when my roommate isn't here which to me is a signal that they're not really in sync. when I feel most confident about my relationships with others is generally when we're in sync with each other. I think that the more time you spend with a person the more you become somehow linked to that person. I've been waiting to read a book for some time now and my friend just finished and gave it to me. I think everyone should read Ain't Nobody's Business If You Do: the absurdity of consensual crimes in our free country by peter mcwilliams. not only is it a very controversial book, but it is also humorous and very informative and educational. Peter McWilliams has AIDS, cancer, and was using marijuana for medicinal purposes under California state law, but was arrested and thrown in jail. I agree with mcwilliams 100% about consensual crime being ridiculous and I think it's wrong that he's in jail now. I got fined $15 recently for parking in lot A67 next to Jester. the parking and traffic administration expects me to park on the other side of red river, or better yet i35. I think this is stupid and am very upset with this, I plan on writing a letter of complaint to David kapalko. my parents finally came to their senses and bought me a computer for school. that is one of the main reasons I am able to do this assignment now. I didn't feel comfortable writing these kind of personal thoughts in a computer lab full of other people. my parents got a good computer for a low price and now I can work from my dorm room, so I think everyone is satisfied. I just wonder if having a computer will be another hindrance to meeting new people especially girls. not that there aren't plenty of girls that use computers, but I don't really get out enough as it is. I know it's up to me to make the effort but I almost feel trapped in a situation where I don't meet enough girls or hang around them enough.

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9

I am so stressed out right now with all these school stuff. Today I was so frustrated with my course schedule because I needed a fine arts credit. At the beginning, I signed up for art history, but I just found out that the class didn't work out for me. I didn't want something that hard to deal with since I am not even majoring in art. Therefore, I decided to try the music department. I called in, and the lady who worked at the office told me that the music appreciation class was still opened. She told me to go all the way to the building MRH just to fill out the green card in order to add the class. So, I decided to drop my art history class right away. In the afternoon, I rushed over there. By the time when I got there, one of the lady told me that I needed to talk to the professor first before I could fill out the green card. Plus, the time of the class she offered me interfered with my original schedule. I was so upset about this when I left the building because I really needed one more class in order to be fill up my hours. When I got back to my dorm, I immediately called my college of education for help. The guy told me to go to see the advisors in the next morning. He also told me not to worry too much today about it. I knew I shouldn't drop my art history class that quickly. I should have waited to see if I could be added to another class. Right now, I consider to take piano as my fine arts credit during the next semester because I have a little knowledge with piano but I am required to sign up on the waiting list first. The class can only fill up 15 students. Instead of taking the fine art class in this semester, I decided to take chinese instead. Besides, I need a foreign language credit. Tomorrow I will need to see that professor to see if I am allowed to be in that class. Hopefully, I can. I have been worried about this over the whole day. I wish everything can work out fine tomorrow.

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I thinkIdon't know what towritebutby thinking that i actually have womethingtowrite. in is hot and i am hungry. The lights on the computer keyboard are bright. I wish i could type faster so that I could keep up with my thoughts. oh how am i ever going to type for twenty minutes straight. I wonder why I spelt out 20. i wonder if my laundry willbe done soon. my nose itches . i want to eat pizza pretty soon. i hope this time goes by quick because iam real hungry. What all homework do i have to do. Roman Civ i need to read. I need to clean and do all of my laundry. I need to call my neighbors son so that i can get help in astronomy. I wish the other computer was not so loud because the word womp game is annoying. oh my gosh i am only a quarter of the way done. the fan sure does feel good when it finally hits on me. i need to go play some pool. speaking of pool going swimming sure would feel good right about now. my truck is dirty and i need to put some gas in it. thats a neat gold plaque with a golf ball on it. I can see the other side of the room through the reflection. Oh i think my butt is going numb. WHy is the TV on CNBC all theat is on it is the stocks going across the bottom. why does the gateway box have a cow pattern on it. I wonder where that business card is from. I might watch a beautiful mind tonight i see the dvd case beside me. oh i am getting tired of doing this. My backspace key is the most used key on my computer. I can't typew very well so i am using this time to practice on my typing as well as doing my homework. the mouse pad is from centuryinter. net and century telephone. i wonder how many staples can fit in that stapler. my neck is starting to hurt it feels better now since i popped it. i wonder why people like leather so much. my knee is hurting. thereis some sort of law exam book beside me of the desk. i wonder what that wooden block over there is used for it lokks like some sort of picture frame or maby a name plaque. oh i am tired good i only have 3. 5 minutes left to type. i wonder if chris is going to call me and let me know if his business is going yet. I know the laundry bags are ready. i like the logo its a hanger with lines to the right of it like its moving really fast. and says campus exppress laundry service or something like that. i don't know if iu want pizza i have had double daves the last couple of days i don't know what sounds good though ooow i know chick fil a yes thats what i want i feel really hungry now only 10 more seconds 5 4 3 2 1 no i think i'll quit

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Well what do I want to say I guess I should start by being pissed off that the girl I'm dating didn't call me last night after she said she would. we aren't committed or anything it just aggravates me when someone goes back on their word. well my brother's in town for the first time to see me we went to a good party last night, actually it was totally lame and it sucked that it was his first u. t. party. tonight will be so much better though cause the party tonight will be cool. phi Kappa Psi is where it's at. right now notre dame is barely beating purdue even though it's a two point game n. d. should run away. college has been cool so far and I like the fact that I automatically get credit for this assignment by just writing my thought down. that's pretty cool. my hardest class is my calculus class it's totally reeming me. i've never had a tutor before but he's my new best friend now. damn it's hot in here. the cafeteria should open right about now. i hope they have good food today lately they've be lacking the good food department. my roomate just doesn't understand. I really do believe he and I are do a good fist fight before it's all over. actually it won't be a good fight because I'll kill him. he's so loud and thinks that just because we're roommates we're automatically buddies for life. i think we could be friends maybe even good friends if he could. we'll how I don't know cause he gets on my nerves so much. oh well we're two different people from two different background. kid rock is awesome. especially on the mtv video awards. it's really hard to writes and sing at the same time. but I guess I can do that considering the fact that there aren't any wrong answers and I can write anything. i don't really miss home that much. maybe my family a little but austin is so cool. i just hope I can keep my grades up so I can stay in the fraternity. and I hope I have enough money to pay for all the dues. well my time is almost up and I hungry as can be so I guess I'll go now. ?

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We got a new couch today in our dorm room, I think that I like it but it has a kind of weird smell to it. I put some febreeze on it , I mean what can you expect from a 10 dollar garage sell couch. I am becoming kind of concerned about the study habits that I am developing here in Austin. It seems that every day I do nothing and at night I realize that I have all this work to do and that I have not actually done any of it. I stay up late doing work and don't get enough sleep. So all day I feel tired. I wish that I had not ate so much tody. My stomach is seriously hurting me. I think that since I have come to Austin I am still eating a lot but I have stopped all physical activity. I really should go to the gym or go running or atleast get some of the guys around here to go play some basketball or something. I feel realy guilty right now, I was supposwd to go to churh tonite at 10, but I didn't get back from eating out with my friends until around 11. My mom called me after I had got in and I told her that I had gone at ten and that I was just getting back. I don't feel so bad about lying as I really do about not going. I consider myself to be afairly devote Catholic, this is the first time that I can remember not going to church on a sunday. I tried to remember, I was sure that I had missed atleast once before, but I thought about it for along time and this is the first time in forever that I have not been on a sunday. I'm thinking right now how easier it would be to write this if my roomate and his girlfriend were not here. I keep feeling like they are reading what I am writing, and I think that I am right, those bastards, just kiddin they are both reallygood friends. They just called me out on calling them bastards, they thought it was kind of funny. They just put on mtv, man I hate the Backstreet boys. And that would be 20 minutes.

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I really need to study for chemistry, but I just remembered that this assignment was due. I would have done it earlier, but my computer has been giving me so many problems. First all these warnings about "you have spyware and adware" started coming up and then it started working really slow--it took 15 minutes to open up the internet!! Then after a while it wouldn't even do that--it just sat there! So I tried to shut it down and it still didn't do anything--but if I tried to start a program, it said "This program cannot open because the system is shutting down. " So I unplugged it and let the battery run out. Computers are so stupid. But I guess we couldn't live without them. I really hope I don't fail this chemistry test tomorrow. I'm really nervous because it's my first real college test and it's also over some stuff that I don't completely understand. My roommate is in the same class as me, but she's at the PCL--she calls it her home because she's there every minute of every day--I don't know how she does it!! Studying for 10 minutes makes me feel like I need a break--she stays there for hours!! She's really sweet though. I so happy I got good roommates (yes--that's plural--I have 3 roommates--I'm in supplemental housing--it's not as bad as I thought it would be) 2 of my roommates are really nice. The other one is kind of weird, but she's hardly ever here--she's always at her boyfriend's house. That's kind of rude to her parents though--I mean--they're paying for her food and housing and she's not even sleeping here. The only thing I know about her is her name really. That's okay though--at least she's not using my computer all the time anymore. When we first moved in she didn't have a Ethernet cord so I said she could do her add/drops on my pc. But then she printed off all her lecture notes for her classes (on MY printer--with MY ink) so at least that's not happening any more. Andy Roddick lost in the quarterfinals of the US Open tonight. That made me so sad--I LOVE Andy Roddick--he has to be the sexiest guy ever! I met him last year and the Tennis Masters Series in Houston and he signed my shirt--me and 3 of my friends had made shirts that spelled out ANDY--he and his coach really liked them!! But I really wanted him to win--he won the Open last year and that was his first so I really wanted him to defend it. Oh well. The guy he lost to was playing really good. He played the same type of game as Andy though. They were calling him a Swedish Andy Roddick, but he'll never be Andy Roddick--he wasn't cute enough. Chemistry and biology are going to kick my butt this semester. I'm not really sure if I want to major in biology any more. I think it might just be too much science for me. I thought I could handle it, but I just don't know anymore. I know majoring in biology will probably help me make a good score on the MCAT, though. I really want to get into med school. I want to be a pediatrician. It's just so much school though. OY! But I think it'll pay off. I really want to do something with kids and I could do that and make money at the same time. I mean--it's that or teaching right? and teaching is definitely NOT on my list of things I want to do. My mom is a teacher and they don't get paid half of what they deserve! She works all the time--sometimes she doesn't come home until after midnight--and she only works with 5th and 6th graders. I mean--it's probably worse with older kids right? I don't know--I just couldn't handle it--I'd feel like I deserved more. Chemistry time.

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This assignment is kind of hard. I'm not used to just writing doen wat comes to me. I'm sitting here trying to write every thought in my head but my mind seems to go blank when I don't want it to and runs a million miles a minute when I;m trying to pay attention in class. I should be in Clarksville with friends a beer and bbq. I need to go skate more. School is to time consuming. I don;t even Know if I really want to do it. The work is frustrating. I don;t mind going to class but I hate all the outside reading and homework. It's not even that I dislike reading I just want to read what I want to read not some course related book. The Story of B is one of the most intriguing books that I have ever read and I havent even gotten through 1/4 of it yet. Maybe I like it so much because of the character. He's not sure of many things and that's exactly how I feel. I want to be liked but at the same time I hate contact with most people. I think most people arent worth talking to. Theyre dumb, they have nothing to say. ITs pointless. People suck. Writng this out is strange, these are things I should keep to myself because I don't even know if I truly believe what I'm saying or if I;'m just getting angry again. I do get angry to much. maybe I should quit smoking. I know I should but its hard. I had no problem on the trip but that was because I couldnt get any I just can't do it around the ville, we smoke to much for sure, throwing money away but fuck money I sit here and stress on how much money I take out of my savings and then in the same instant say to myself I don't give a fuck about money fuck money I should have been born a long time ago when you provided for yourself and if you couldnt hunt of fish then you were in trouble fuck vegetarians self righteous think that because they don't eat meat they are somehow above me fuck that If we didnt eat meat id die I need to stop worrying about girls so much to I always say I don't give a fuck whether I'm seeing anyone or not but I'm always thinking about girls typical I need to get out on my own and figure all these things out I should not worry so much but I do at least I have music and my boys and skateboarding who cares I don't go out as much I still love it just as much at least I think I still do but I can definitely see myself drifting away its probably because I smoke to much that shit kills you, your energy and your drive yet I love it so much and I can't quit obviously this is a big thing to me because I'm always stressing on it and fuck stress wwhereever it comes from I wish I could destroy stress does nothing except cause problems I try to be stress free but its impossible especially with school always looming over how much do I reaaly want to go to school I don't know I know I could go and make a living without school and maybe I shoul because I'm tired of getting all this "knowledge" that isn't applicable to anytihng outside of ut of course the shit is expanding my mind and view of the world right fuck that I live in texas and I don't really care about to many other places why should I

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This is my first year at UT Austin, and I feel nervous and confused about what is to come. I am not accustomed to all this work and it is really making me worried because I cannot keep up in all my classes. For one, I have so much to do in all my classes, and two, I live off-campus and it takes at least an hour to get back to my apartment. My roommates a complete slob and he leaves his stuff everywhere around the house; just yesterday I notice he is been eating out of some fried chicken that was left over from last saturday and has been sitting out on the counter for 5 days! I also want to keep up with my friends, but it is so hard because there is so much work. They're always asking me to go party with them on the weekends, but that is not something that I like to do. I don't drink and I don't plan on to and I am not interested in meeting girls because I am currently happy in my relationship. I've been going out with her for 10 months and one day. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me; sometimes I feel as if she cares for me then I care for myself. I've never felt like this before, specially with a member of the opposite sex. I don't have good looks to attract girls, but from what people tell me, I have a good personality. I listen to what others have to say. I listen to their problems and try to help them with their problems - I am not just saying this to suck up to a psychology professor, but I really do this. I am majoring in psychology; it is what I really want to do. Back to my girlfriend, she is currently going to UTSA and will be transferring to UT next year. What really bugs me though is how whenever I go to see her, my friends are always bugging me about Hey man, are you going to smash her?" and my answer is "NO. " You can call me old-fashioned but I believe in abstinence. I am a virgin. It bugs others, but it doesn't bug me. I don't get how people can make love to multiple girls and not feel dirty about it. I know I would. I would never have sex with my girlfriend before we get married. I want to have that respect for her and just restrain myself from that. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love her. I want to make love to her, but I am not going to. I have morals. I was raised in a culture where dating was frowned upon. My parents had no problems with it as long as I didn't do anything - and I don't. I really like this girl, and I have thought of a future with her in the long run and I do not want to compromise that. I just wish that she would be here with me. As you can see, she means a lot to me and she is on my mind a lot. My major is psychology, but eventually I want to become a pediatrician or maybe even a psychiatrist - I don't know yet. It worries me that I will have to stay in school for another 8 years and that is a real long time but I feel that it is worth it, so I do not want to give up. I will try my best. Now I am sitting here not knowing how to word this paper because I am so accustomed to High School writing with 5 paragraphs and an introductory and conclusion, but the assignment was to simply state my feelings - so I am. It is raining outside right now. I hope it doesn't rain tomorrow because I have classes. It would not be fun walking drenched to philosophy 301 with Professor Bonevac. Philosophy also seems like an interesting class for me. Professor Bonevac is hilarious and is awesome to listen to (as you are). The rats with altered hypothalamuses were hilarious and they really made me think about all the technology that is out there. I know I am doing the right thing by taking all the classes I am to pursue my career. I am scared that my grades won't be able to cut it though. All these classes require a lot of reading, and reading isn't exactly my best subject. I am trying my best to keep up and continue with all the reading and continue with turning in my assignments on time. It is really hard but I think I should be all right. I am especially worried about this class, because the lectures are completely different from the textbook and I have to keep up on both and well - I am just a confused little man. My times running out and my brain is struggling to squeeze words out to finish up this assignment. I also have a chemistry exam tomorrow. YES tomorrow. So hopefully I'll do good at that because it seems relatively easy. I miss my parents. They are back in Houston. They don't want me to go visit them because they don't want me adding mileage to the car. So I am stuck in Austin til Thanksgiving. I'll go home, eat turkey, and come back sick. Yes, I do listen in class.

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I feel like I'm getting behind in my classes even though I got off to a good start. I'm upset that my mom is quitting her job. The reason seems not good enough after what we went through last time she quit her job. Sometimes I feel like she if making things up or exagerating things. But I feel bad that I didn't believe her when she told me these things. It really upset me last night and when I'm upset and can't do much but mope. I try to stay happy because then I can stay focused on what I have to do, like study. I hate typing on the computer because my contacts get blurry when I stare at a computer screen. Then it makes me tired for the rest of the day. I have to go to band tonight which is fun but takes up my whole evening. I wish I hadn't eaten so much for lunch. I'm mad that my powe is out so I can't do my video exercises. It's gong to be along week. I have a party after the game next week and I'm going to be really tired to go to a party. I'm a little nervous about that. tomorrow I have to go to HEB and get some cash. That will take a long time. I hope I can get a lot of reading in tomorrow. I find it hard to read during the day. I read better at night but then I end of staying up late and I'm so tired in the mornign. At least I don't live at home anymore. i love that picure on the wall. It so peaceful but not too peaceful. it's really pretty. I slept too long today. At least I can get to my 3:00 class this time. I hate to miss class but it's so easy to when your tired. I hate the seats in the auditorium , it makes me feel claustrophobic. I want to get there early to get a better seat, maybe on the outside. i'm glad I foudn this computer lab now I don't have to go to the UGL to use the computer. I want to go to Mozart's tomorrow nigh. I hpoe Jill wants to go. I like to get coffee there and study. I'm gald I remembered to go this assignment. I always seem to forget to do assignments on the computer or over e-mail. it doesn't seem natural. I missed a lot of assignments last year in Spanish that we had to do on the computer. I really like Sapanish, it's juast hard to kkep up with. i thisnk my hands are getting tired. I wish my hadns weren't so veiny. I like the way iMacs look but theyare kind of big. I can't' wait to get laser surgery on my eyes so I don't have to wear contacts or glasses.

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Hi my name is Brandi and I am writing this assignment, mainly cuz you told me too. Right now I am really tired and worried about my grandfather who happens to be in the hospital right now. I feel stupid writing about absolutely nothing just what I think about and since that is what I was thinking that is what I typed. I am really wondering when this line is going to end cuz it is pretty darn long. I wonder what my boyfriend is doing at the University of ATM right now. I wonder if he misses me or forgot about me. though I know that he didn't forget about me. I mean who would I am an unforgettable person. This apartment/dorm is so terribly hot. I haven't figured out how to work the air conditioner yet. I believe that it is broke, my room mate can't figure it out either. Let's see I have wrote for about 5 whole minutes so far, and this is a lot harder than it sounds. Let's see what can I do this weekend. Hummmm. there is the football game, a party I was invited too, go home (which I don’t see happening), go see my grandfather (which I am not real sure about doing), or study. I believe I will take options one, two, and four. I don’t want to see my grandfather because I hate to be around sad situations. they depress me and I hate to feel sad or depressed. I figure I can make myself that way why put myself into that situation. I love my grandfather but I don’t want to go there. There is also the fact that if I don’t acknowledge it then it might not be true. that is the way I think. If I don’t see it then it doesn't happen. illogical but it works for me. My friend just came over and I let her in she is now washing my dishes, she is one of my best friends and I have known her since kindergarten, but boy can we get on each others nerves. Not kidding because we really do. We have gotten to be like sisters almost especially this past summer and we just were around each other too much. And when we argue it is usually over irrelevant things, or really really stupid things. We also argue over the race issue. she is black and I am white, that is one issue that can really tick me off. I don’t understand how people can be so stupid and childish. Why should we look at race instead of the people. that issue really makes me mad. I really have completely nothing to say at all. I did receive a letter well email from my boyfriend today and it really made me happy. he told me that he missed me. It had been awhile since I have seen him but hopefully he will be able to come see me this weekend on Sunday since there is a STUPID football game on Saturday. I really miss him and wish he was coming here but it makes me happy when I hear from him and see him. I guess since I am a female one of the most lovable things I like to do is hug someone, but only at certain times. cuz when I am sad, it will make me cry in a heartbeat. kind of what happened yesterday. I told my room mate about my granddad and she gave me a hug and I wanted to just cry, but I hate to do that in front of people. Lord have mercy it is HOT. I am about to catch on flames I am soooooo hot. well I have typed for twenty minutes so I am leaving now. I sure am glad cause it is really hard to just wait until your mind has something to say. I mean when you aren't thinking about it you can think all day long but when you are trying to think of something to say you cant do it. never fails. happens to me every time.

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Today was very interesting. So much to do, though, with so little time. Study, work, and just living has become harder than expected. I miss the comfort zone I enjoyed while living at home. Oh, home, what a distant thought that now seems to be. I miss my parents, but I don't really miss my sisters. Yes, I miss my Mom's cooking. More importantly, however, I miss her reassurance and soothing smile every day. The daily smile is a luxury I no longer enjoy. My roommate hardly every smiles and when he does it's far from comforting. I guess a big part of me is homesick. This is such a large school with so many people, I feel overwhelmed. It is especially hard living off campus and not having the ability to be in an environment where you meet new people on a daily basis. Here at the apartment, everyone keeps to themselves. They've already made friends with people during the freshman year or live with their best friends. I, however, am not that lucky. I don't really know too many people and I didn't even know my roommate before I moved here. But, I have this thought that some beautiful, charming young lady will soon save me from this pit of despair. I think I'm at a point in my life where love needs to prosper. I've never been one for steady, or healthy, relationships but the loneliness I'm currently enduring makes a girlfriend seem very tempting. Love is, after all, what makes the world go around or is it? I've been so independent and so bottled up for so long, I don't know whether this cold heart can be warmed up for love and I surely don't want to break anyone's heart. I've done enough of that and learned my lesson a long time ago. There's just so much beauty in this world. I find myself drifting off almost hourly with the vision of some really hot girl. I lived in a town that might have had ten goodlooking girls, so you can imagine how surprised I've been walking the UT campus. Nothing could have possibly prepared me for the beauty littered around the campus and Austin as well. There are so many girls and so few guys; it hardly seems fair. But I'm in no way complaining. It's like I'm the guy in American Beauty whose heart aches because it sees so much beauty around it. That's me in a nutshell. I see all these gorgeous girls walking around and I freeze. I don't know what to do because I've never been in a situation quite like this. Tomorrow is a new day and the future is bright. I find myself waiting for some girl to fall helplessly into my lap, but I need to wake up and face reality. If I want to find a great girl I need to initiate conversation and go from there. Wish me luck!

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Stream of Consciousness that term reminds me so much of Virginia Woolf and my long semester studying her and Mrs. Dalloway. I can't even think about it without thinking of her and her crazy life and the craziness with how Mrs. Dalloway was written and it makes me so sad because her life was just so sad. I feel so bad for her. I wonder how fast twenty minutes really is I bet it may end up seeming forever and this writing will go on forever but I guess it is kind of interesting I just am worried my hands will begin to hurt from all of this typing. I am so glad that it is Labor Day weekend and I am going to get a long weekend to catch up on a few things like sleep and fun and I guess some studying too although that won't be too fun so that will actually take away from some of the fun goal. it is so interesting how I am sitting here all alone in my room and in fact most of the time it gets kind of lonely but sitting her and I some way expressing my thoughts instead of just listening to them and doing nothing makes it not so lonely and for once it is actually quiet in the dorm so that I can concentrate on just about anything. I hope this year goes well because I think that it really needs to be a good semester and that it will progress to a good year I if The semester goes well. I'm getting kind of sad now that because I am leaving town tomorrow I am going to miss the first Football which will be my first Texas football game and I have heard they are a great experience and a ton of fun, but at least there are plenty of other games that I can attend. My hand is really beginning to hurt that is really pretty sad considering I haven't even typed for 10 minutes. I wonder if I am missing out on anything while I am sitting her typing this but I guess it isn't that big of a deal I don't think there are many people her anyway and I don't know where anyone is. I was thinking about how when I graduated from high school that I would be balling my eyes out but I didn't cry then I thought I would cry when My parents left me here all alone. but the weird thing is I haven't cried or anything yet I haven't even gotten homesick. I mean let's face it isn't like I would have anything spectacular to do even if I was home so I guess that helps in the homesickness department. It is so cold in my room I am absolutely freezing and There is no way in which to control the air, I need gloves and winter boots. I really think that people need to something about the coolness of the buildings I mean I know it is hot outside and all but because it is hot outside students want to wear shorts and other things like that to keep cool when out in the heat, but then you step in a building and dorms are the absolute worst of all and you freeze to death like I am surprised I haven't gotten frost bite from these frigid places. Well the time has actually gone faster than I expected it to it hasn't been all that bad once I got over the whole Virginia Woolf suicide and her book that I had to suffer through and analyze. It has actually been kind of fun I mean all I have been doing is saying what is on my mind and how I am feeling and that isn't so hard as long as you know that not everyone in the world is going to be reading what you write because personally I Don't' want everyone in the world to know how I feel all the time it is pretty personal for the most part. I am really excited about getting to hang out at the lake this weekend and being able to relax and have food other than from the cafeteria not that the food is all that bad but a homecooked meal is the absolute best. that is real comfort food. Wow I am beginning to feel hungry now but I don't know for what also I really need these twenty minutes to over so that I can run and go get a drink I am really thirsty. oh my gosh my hands are like icicles between the pain from typing and the temperature of the room my hands are really beginning to suffer. but hey I don't have to type for too much longer.

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I can't stop sniffling. I don't even know if that's how you spell it. I'm so pissed off that I'm getting sick. I guess that's what happens when you live in a dorm. I better not get some crazy disease though. I probably won't. Should I finish my homework? Or should I just pass out. I would prefer to do that latter. My bio 211 class sucks a lot of balls. The professor I think is just TRYING to sound intimidating, and if that is the case, then she is doing a really good job at it. Man, I really really want to be a doctor. I'm not as smart as everyone else. Things don't just come to me. I have to work for it. This may, in the end, work in my favor, being that if I(and hopefully I will)succeed, I will feel all the more complacent. But that's just wishful thinking. I'm really going to stop with the caring about capitalization. when I type emails I never capitalize my I's--well I just did. but that's different. there was this guy I one knew that always made me feel stupid if I didn't spell things right. I know how to spell. and I believe he knew I knew how to spell, but I think he took some kind of pleasure in my feelings of inferiority. perhaps, I will always feel that way when I am around him. well it hasn't stopped for about 5 years now. who would have thought that we would end up at the same university. I mean I know it's not a big deal, being that UT is enormous and all, but he is not going to escape me--I wish I want him to escape me. but I don't. that's not good at all. what a jerk. I mean ok, well he is not really a jerk," but I always feel like he is messing with my mind. maybe I'm just the one that's screwed up. I think I am. I'm really glad I didn't seem him today. I needed a break from all that. good break from it right? here I am in my "stream of consciousness" talking about it. I don't know if I spelled that C word write either--but who the hell cares right? wow--I'm really glad it didn't push Finish on me there. sometimes that happens. that would have really sucked because I have already spent 8 min and 47sec typing this. I kinda like typing. it makes me feel pretty cool. thank goodness I'm a fast typer. if I wasn't, things like this would really suck. (I'm trying not to say 'suck balls') --now I'm laughing. I don't know where I got that expression from. maybe it was my sister. yes, yes, I have a TWIN sister. ohhh ahhh. a twin? does she look like you? are ya'll identical? blah blah. yes yes and no. the end. if I spoke anymore about this and this is in some way published before the class, there would a better hint as to who the writer of this stream of consciousness is. it's alright. not that I mind. I miss my nephew. he is the cutest thing in the world. I miss when he would try to say "bob the builder. " what a cutie! he learned to say my boyfriend's name before he learned to say my own name--yeah I was a little upset at first, but it's really no big deal. I am glad he has a solid man-figure in his life. the boyfriend's a good role model and he obviously loves my nephew very much--oops just sneezed. wow and sorry the phone's ringing. I can't be mean and be like hey I'm typing this stream of consciousness thingy. ok that's over, and I just realized that the spelling of consciousness has been at the heading of this page the whole time. I am a genius. beautiful. well I was spelling it right--that's good. man, sometimes I start to think in spanish. that's cool isn't it. I kinda like that. I wish I could speak fluently though. it would make things a lot a lot easier. I really do want to go to spain. it's on my list of things to do in my life, along with help others, become a pediatrician, and give back. I love my major. I'm so glad I chose it. we had a great discussion today about poverty and things of that nature. I am definitely a democrat but that doesn't mean I'm some liberal. liberals get such a bad wrap--it's not true. you know what else gets a bad wrap? jester. jester really isn't that bad. to me, when people complain about jester, they just sound really really spoiled. I know that's judgmental but oh well. I love how it's really social. that's how I met one of my really good friends here. we were in our HORRIBLE community bath --no it's not really horrible-- and that's how we met. she is really cool, from out of state. time's almost up. adios amigo.

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17

I'm tired. I wish I did'nt have an 8 a. m. class everyday. I have so much stuff to do and i forgot again to call regarding to job to apply for. My boyfriends coming on Friday and thats all i can really think about. It feels like I'm not really thinking about anything. Maybe I should not have tried to do this so early in the morning. Oh well. It is too dark in my room now and I really want to turn on the lights but my roomate is asleep. Wow twenty minutes is a really long time. Who knew? Doo da doo. I'm bored. I really want to go do something active like outside but the weather is too bad. I hate when it rains. It puts me in a bad mood. It's actually cold in my room today maybe they fixed the air conditioning. I'm thinking about how i feel like i really don't have anything to say in this. I think my mind is like dead right now but maybe that's the point. I need to go take a shower, and do my homework for Economics and Ancient Greece. I wish I could be sleeping like Stephanie but no I'm awake writing this. I need to repaint my toenails. They're all chipped. No one wants to see that. Maybe I will do that after I finish this assignment. I miss Brad. It's crazy how we have only been apart two weeks and I am so incapable of being by myself. I need to make some more friends here in Austin. I do not want to only rely on my boyfriend for support. What if something happens? Agghh. Why do I say stuff like that. I miss my family and I miss how things were. I don't know if I'm ready for this whole college thing but I guess, maybe more I hope, that a lot of other people feel the same way. Everyone just seems so adjusted to the whole change. Why am I saying all this stuff for this assignment? I wonder why I keep looking at that tissue box? Seriously, I have like stared at it the whole time I have done this. I wonder if you all read these. I think we just get credit for completion but I hope this does not appear up on that big screen as like an example. That would suck. Still gloomy outside. I wish I lived in like California or somewhere with really good non-humid weather. My hair looks pretty bad today but it never really looks that fantastic so I guess it's not that big of a change. I feel really whiny or something. I need to call Michelle. Maybe I could meet some people through her. I hope so. No class until 3:30. At least I have a lot of time to finish my other stuff. Goodness I still have over five minutes. I sure do a lot of random thinking in twenty minutes. Why would they put such uncomfortable chairs in a dorm when they know that kids are going to be sitting there most of the time. I am so stressed out. Maybe that's why my face is breaking out so bad. Again I think why did I just say that. I'm sure no one wants to hear about stuff like that. I hope no one reads it and they just see my social security number and check me off on like some list. That would be good. Oh well too late now. That fan is so loud. I wish our air conditioning just worked so we wouldn't have to have all these fans. They are really annoying. My hands hurt from typing this much. I feel like I'm trying to make myself think of things to say. Why does my left hand or I guess wrist hurt more than my right. I love stretching. I wonder why that feels so good. I want to eat some sour candy. I like that. I still think about my boyfriend.

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29

In doing this writing assignment I was unsure of what i would be writing. I am having a pretty good day and I hope that it continues to be good. Transfering to UT this semester has been a great eye opener. This is my first time to live by myself and be away from home. There seems to be so much pressure right now with school and bills. It is hard sometimes to be alone, but I was the one that begged my parents to get me an apartment to myself. I wish sometimes that I would have lived with roommates, so that I would be more familiar with the people and things around me. I like having my own space and freedom, and I'm sure I can adjust the the loneliness. I have been feeling the depression kick in during the last 2 weeks. It is hard, and my phone bill is high, but I know that this is only the beginning of my life. My goal is to get my bachelor's degree in Accounting and then have a great job offer before graduating. Life seems like a blurr sometimes, even when you think you have it all planned out. I don't know what I really want from life besides being happy. I may be greedy, but I want to make a good amount of money, so that I will not have to worry about needs. I have a lot of pressure from my Dad. I have never felt like I can please him in what I do. This is probably why I have such high goals for myself. I've got to come to the realization that I don't need to make my Dad proud of me, but instead make myself proud of me. That is a hard thing to do. I am very critical of myself and if I don't do the very best, sometimes I feel like a failure. Hopefully someday I can feel pleased with myself and my life. I'm not sure what else to write. Well, I miss my friends back home a lot. My two best friends are both far away. I can't really go seem them on the weekends now because of my part-time job. But hopefully we will keep in touch regulary. Psychology is going to be lots of fun this semester. I love the way Mr. Pennebaker teaching. It's make the classroom environment much more relaxed and fun. I hope that I can also learn more about the emotional and physical behaviors that I possess. I often worried that I am crazy, jusk kidding. But there is a point where everyone has their own bit of craziness inside them. There are times that I feel like two different people. It happens very rarely, but I can see at times the difference between how I act and who I really am. It's scary, but I think normal. I sometimes feel like I am putting on a show for others to see and approve of. I have been told that I am a very nice person, but when I see the difference I feel like I am just acting that way. I don't know exactly what I mean, and I may never understand myself. There are numerous questions that I have about life and people. I don't have to know all the answers, but to understand most of them would be meaningful to me. I came from a divorced family, and when I was young I was physically abused. I didn't know the extent of my abuse until my older sister would tell me about it. I must have blocked it all out because I can only recall the moments before and after I was hurt. Which it scares me if I may someday have it all come back to me and it may be too much to handle. When I grew older I was raised in a strict Christian household which has an affect on who I am. I believe in God and Jesus Christ, but there are many questions that I can't answer. But I don't think that life is about knowing all the answers. I just want to understand them. I am just going on about whatever. I kind of feel like I shouldn't have been so personal about my life

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18

okay well here goes nothin' I guess so whats the big deal about all this anyway all I was told was about how hard it ws going to be and so far its been a boat ride we used to play dominoes back in high school in my theatre class and I was the only white kid it was kind of fun actually they all taught me how to play "bones" a boat ride was when all the dots on the end dominoes added up two twenty boat ride and so on well its great so far mom party party party class party party party sleep class party that's my schedule why does this girl keep taking us so seriously I'm so frustr. with her right now oh well sobeit and so on so how much tim e . damn fifteen minutes left what else would you,like to know sir. maam. it whatever is this here to entertain you or for you to. nevermind well here we are just me and you pizza sounds good Kilgore Trout I need to finish that book great book so much crap noone sees the genius and so on the severity of any problem is measured by the attainability of its solution-me yeah psych class 400 people huh and not a damn one is anyhting like me maybe one okay two or three but thas all jammed my finger it hurts to type falling down the stairs at my dads my party drunk 4 in the morningjammed my shoulder and finger price to pay for a good time huh? well answer me nevermind should I tell her what I'm thinking maybe not I ve got plenty of time plenty of time Marty Robbins he used to sing Marty Robbins no more I could not as good as real thing greatt album best of all time U2 crowding my space!!!! okay well are going to give it back for some reason I don't miss it at all I guess I'm hungry griffin liz maybe other girl one of these things is not like the other hot in here workstastion blah blah cuts handsneed new band for my wtch planner aol disk I tired band I wish theyd make it big like daisy I wish daisy'd make it bigger shopping no wait witherspoon. should I go to the concert or the game. the music or the sport that is the question Prague. its all about the show but who know s what show will blow through a town that goes. never again will I write a poem short story etc. maybe a sports article when I'm old and grey and have no teeth and a dog named ralph with my wife having passed away thrre years earlier in my newly finished rocking chair that my grandchildren made for me and the cushion for my arthritic back. orthopedic shoes pipe in hand and caxcer in mouth calling ralph to my feet watching reruns of the X-files praying to God that one of my kids would call to hear a voice or that ralph could talk if that's his name cause wont remember a thing but that's okay because the one thing I will remember is Marty Robbins and so on times up

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8

Yesterday in class we talked about what different parts of the brain are in control with. One interesting part to me is the Occipital Lobe. Three years ago I was in a car accident, which I have fully recovered from, expect I have blurred vision in my right eye. Within a few months after the accident I went to many doctors to see what the problem was. One doctor concluded that my optic nerve had been jarred which can cause loss of eyesight. He said that after a year if my nerve turned white then that meant that this is what happened. He also said that I would never regain my eyesight in that eye. Now that it's three years later, there is still no sign that my optic nerve was injured and my eyesight has gradually come back but it is a very slow process. Another doctor could not reach a conclusion but he figured that it might have something to do with my brain. He told me that you could never tell if the brain can overcome such a catastrophe but the brain can do miraculous things. Sometimes during the semester I may come in a see what you think it could be because no one else seems to come to a conclusion matching another professional's opinion. I do not know if such a thing could happen to the occipital lobe so I would like to come in and see if just part of your eyesight can be affected if this lobe has damage done to it.

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19

"antisocial"--that is what it said in large letters as I walked into my dorm room today. Everyone on my floor thinks I am antisocial. I hate the way that people do not ever understand the difference between anitsocial and shy. I wish that people would just to understand people more and hate them less. I guess it is partially my fault. I long to meet new people and make new friends but I spend all of my time locked in my room talking to all of my old freinds that are hundrends of miles away. They are all coming to visit me tomorrow for my 19th birthday. lots of them are coming. I guess it will at least show all of the jerks on my floor that I am not as "anitsocial" as they think I am. They are all so stupid anyway. All they do is get drunk every single night. How can they think so highly of themselves living that way. When do they ever study? The true is that I am jealous of them, I have always wanted to be so carefree and fun. But, I would never pick on anyone, EVER! I guess I could go out and party everynight, but that just isn't me. I would fell silly if I ever went to one of those wild parties. Besides, I am going to be a doctor, I need to stay and study. It makes me sick to imagine the possibility of not getting into medical school, it is my dream, the only thing I really want. But, I am not the most desipined student, I love to slack off and sit and play on aol. I will never get into a good medical school and then I will be lost, it is the scariest thing I have ever had to face. It is so scary that I try to protect myself. I am a diehard romantic and it is amazing that in my lowest moments I think about marrying Ty in order to secure my future. Ty is my ex-boyfreind that I would never be happy with but I in the business honors program and wil surely be rich someday. I often think that if I marry him then it will be okay if my medical school falls through. I know it would be stupid but I think it at times. What I really want is someone to sweep me off my feet, like in the movies. I love okd black and white mushy romantic movies more than anything in the world. The are so sweet and beautiful and you can always tell that they will never fall out of love and that they really will live happily ever after. Such a nice thought. I guess I cna't ask for a fairy tale but I know that I will never get a divorce. NEVER! I was always so proud growing up that my parents never divorced. I always thought that it somehow made me better than everyone, like I had something to do with it. Well, the last day of school on my Sophmore year my mom called me into the living room and told me she was moving out. I thought I was going to die. The effects of this event have been bothering me ever since. I am so clingy now with guys I date that I drive them insane. I have this unbelievable fear of being left by those I love, and I wwent through a phase were I cried everyday for a year. I am going to be a much better parent to my kids than most. I am going to sing to them and show them hapy movies and take them to museums and plays and play games with them. I will puch them to be wonderful, but not too much. And I will make sure that every moment of their lives they know how much I love them. I can't wait to have children. I do worry thought. sometimes even the best parents can't always innfluence their kids to be good. Tonight Ty is taking me out for dinner. I invited my roommate to come with us, she said she would and I feel bad because I think it hurt his feelings that I asked her. I just can't help it. Even in high school I would invite the band director that everyody hated to walk around with us in Disney World. He looked so lonely walking by himself. I hope I find someone to appricate me being like that.

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30

Sleep! That's what I need to do. I stayed up all night writing my freshman seminar paper on Bond- Born an electric quartet. I asked my roommate that I was going to get some shut eye for about 10 minutes and to wake me up for my class at ten, but she woke me up 40 minutes later. I wasn't late. Thank GOD! I'm really stressed out, I have so many things to do this weekend. Why is college so easy yet so hard to manage. Management, I believe, is the biggest thing in college. I miss my family so much. I really don't know if I'm doing this right. I'm trying to type so fast that my hands are shaking and I'm pressing the wrong keys. Grrr! My roommate is leaving today to see her family. Good for her. We were both crying, actually I was the only one come to think of it. She said she never cries even if it is the saddest thing ever. How can you not cry. I guess I'm very emotional and sensitive. I was sick last weekend and when my parents came up to see me they were really worried. I hope they are healthy and son't worry so much. I want to see them and my brothers so bad. I'm done with classes and I'm free!! I love the feeling of writing in streams of consciousness. It is probably one of my favorite past times besides playing and composing music. I really want to be super good on my electric violin. After writing my paper about the electric quartet, I realized that I wanted to be like them. I actually miss my quartet. They all went to the University of Chicago and are sophomores there. I'm always the youngest in everything. youngest in my graduating class, among my friens, at my church-- that is youth bible group, and even among the freshmans here at UT. I feel so old yet so young compared to others here. I can't believe that there are 30 maybe even 40 year olds in my calculus class. I was so shocked when several older males came and sat in our lecture. They are older than my professor and TA's. What are they doing here at such a old age, I wonder. Did they flunk, not graduate, drop out and then realize many years later that school is the best place to be! I was walking out of PCL after studying late and this homeless guy walks up and asked for money. I ignored him because I was creeped out. It is my belief that if a homeless is not missing any limbs and is perfectly capable to work then he/she should. However, if they are missing an arm or let's say play the saxophone on the street, I would definetly give them some change. I feel that they are doing their best with the disabilities facing them. Last night, my roommate came in with her best guy friend, who's bi-sexual, and another guy that I later found was gay. I really don't mind gay guys although I find it sad, I DO MIND if they are lesbians!! YUCK! I'm a strong christian girl so it really is hard for me to cope with such things. I am very conservative and tend to not change my views for anyone unless the provide convincing evidence. I really want to keep writing on and on but I have 2 minutes left. I love to write especially poems. I like being creative and connecting with my inner feelings. I guess it is because I play classical music and only listen to classical music. Classical music, I think is the most sensuous, expressive and beautiful form of art every created. I would love to whip out my violin or go to a grand piano and play songs after songs. I better wrap up--oh no--it's almost time for me to go. I'll---phew--the computer is letting me write a little more. Whoever is grading this is really going to enjoy reading everyone's writing. Well, I got to head off to my Biology study group. Toodles!

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26

As I begin to write this essay, I am thinking of what my mind is doing in preparation for writing. I began going through ideas that have come to me earlier this day, trying to find one that I might be able to write about for 20 minutes. I can hear the TV on in the background. It's Monday Night Football, so my mind continues to convince my eyes to look over to my left and look at the teams that are playing. However, I know that I need to write this essay, so I have made a pact with myself not to look over until I'm done. I am occasionally checking my watch to see how long I have been writing. I started at 8:03pm, so I will be done at 8:23. Dennis Miller's voice is somewhat distracting since he doesn't sound like the normal, professional voice of a sports announcer, and I laugh at his jokes only because they are not that funny. Now I'm trying to think of something else, only because I know this essay was meant to show what my mind thinks of on it's own, and not my personal opinion of the football game on TV. I temporarily blanked out, and there was nothing I could think of to write, so I stopped and stretched my hands and neck. Even though I am concentrating on the computer screen in front of me, my ears have nothing better to do than listen to the ads. I don't think it's a good thing that I am able to tell there was a car ad on just because of the music playing in the background. However, I suppose that is why advertisers pick certain kinds of music. They're hoping that it will stick in the minds of the viewers and they'll buy that certain product. I do not know the specific car that was just advertised based on the music, but I am sure that it was some sort of truck that was being advertised as a tough, strong vehicle. The idea of advertising reminds me that I want to go into the college of communications. I know I am a creative and artistic person, so I want a career that will utilize my abilities and something that I can personally enjoy. I would love to be involved with an advertising team coming up with ideas for companies, or a sports photographer. In high school, I was the Photography Editor for the school newspaper. I took many photos for the sports section, and I truly enjoyed standing on the sidelines at the football games and taking pictures. By being so close to the players, I got to understand their true size and feel the emotions going on during the game. Now that I've seen what that's like, I know that when one watches a game from the stands, they are missing out on some of the action and emotion. However, after going to the UT game this past weekend, I realized that the crowd has its own vibe that is also fun to be a part of. As that streak of thought came to an end, I glanced down at my watch and noticed the time was merely 30 seconds away from 8:23, so by now my time is done.

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15

This assignment was not as hard to figure out as I thought it was going to be. Actually it was quite easy. All I had to do was follow the simple directions. It is pretty cool in here. This library is not quiet though. I thought libraries are for people trying to read or study, but this one has lots of little rug rats talking and laughing. Oh well. Next weekend is going to be a lot of fun. I get to go see my boyfriend, who lives in Lubbock. I can't wait. Boy, I miss him a lot. I wonder how much my phone bill is going to be from calling him almost everyday. These two guys sitting by me are talking about weird things. I don't think they can figure out their computer. What do I want to buy today, when I go shopping? I'm not quite sure. Maybe I will get a new dress. I really need to start looking for a homecoming dress. I have to have it by October because that is when Texas Tech's homecoming is. Hopefully my parents will pay for it. How do I tell them though, that on the way to San Antonio I got a speeding ticket. I guess I will just tell them that I was so anxious to see them that my anxiety caused me to speed. The police officer was not very understanding though, although I was at fault and I am going to pay the consequences. I need to study all day today, but I’m not really looking forward to it. If I get behind in my school work though, it will be extremely hard to catch back up, and I don't want to have to do that. Maybe I will go out tonight and have a really fun time dancing and stuff. That ought to compensate for me studying all day, and release the stress. At least I will have something to look forward to tonight. For now I only have studying to look forward to. Who do I want to go out with? Maybe I will call up Jessica. She's pretty fun to hang out with, or maybe I will go to a club with my brother and his friends along with mine. No, I did that last night. It was fun though, maybe I should do that again tonight. Whatever the case, I need to have a night of fun planned so that tomorrow I can study all day again. I wonder what my roommates are doing. I bet they are watching TV That's all they ever do. It must get boring for them, but evidently they like it. I can't do that, because I get overly-bored. They are the type of people that don't like to do anything outside of the house. I can't believe I got messed up with them. If I only knew that they were like that, I would have never agreed to live with them. They are kind of psycho. I don't know how anyone can fight and be unhappy as much as they are. I try to stay away from there, but maybe I need to find new places to go. My brother is probably half way to Wisconsin right now. I hope he is doing well. At least I got to see him before he left. That girl has a tattoo on her ankle in the shape of a snake. That is so ugly. I would never get a tattoo like that. I think it is so unattractive to guys. That lies right above the piercing on the face. I don't really think too bad of piercing your belly button, but anything else is too far. Actually, I have even thought about getting mine pierced, but I’m not quite sure if I want to go through all of that pain. Wow, that lady has a huge afro. Doesn't she know that it looks really bad. I guess if she thinks it looks good though, then that is all that matters.

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22

It all of a sudden becomes hard to think when you are instructed to. haha. I am so overwhelmed with everything I have to do this weekend. I have so much reading to catch up on in all my classes and I am going to have to do it this weekend or I will never get caught up. I hate biology, I'm so lost, maybe I should drop it before it's too late. But that would be kind of dumb. I don't know how I'm going to pass the first test. I wonder if anyone else is as lost as I am. At least I'll be done with this pretty soon and I will have one less thing to think about. Maybe I can get Houston to drive on the way home for Ashton's birthday. I really don't feel like driving all the way back but I guess I have no choice. Wow, I really need to get her something. maybe a she would like a shirt from the co-op. My phone is ringing but it is across the room and I guess since I am being timed it wouldn't be smart to answer it. I wonder who it is. hope it's not too important. I guess I'll just call the number back when I am done with this. I'm really hungry, maybe when I finish this I'll go eat at the cafeteria. Hopefully they will have something good because Jester City Limits is too expensive and not that great either. I doubt they will though, a peanut butter sandwich doesn't sound that bad. My room is so quiet right now, I wish Erin would get back so we could go eat. I hate the annoying sound of fans which is the only sound I hear, but our room is too hot without it. I doubt they will ever fix the air conditioner. I really need to order some concert tickets online before it is too late. Taking Back Sunday and Saves the Day, Panic, and so many more I wish I could get but I'm poor. I guess I'll only go to two nights of Panic too. I wish I was in a band, then I wouldn't have to be in biology. Yay! Erin's back and the T. V. is on. I would rather be listening to music but I figured I should do this in silence because if I was listening to music I would just sing in my head the whole time. I can't stand dumb commercials or long ones. Erin just reminded me I have to fill out that application. one more thing out of a million. I really need to get on top of things. Too bad I'm not more creative or that application would be easier. Hmmm only a few more minutes to think. I'm tired too bad I have too much to do or I would take a nap. A shower would be nice as well. I also need to go check my mail. I guess I'll do that when we got eat or something. 5,4,3,2,1. finish!

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Roommates are playing music very loudly. Although, this music is good blues unlike the top 40 crap that normally comes blaring out of their speakers. My roommate is on the phone with a friend complaining about his classes, assignments, his teachers, and the other usual complaint. In the back of my mind I am a bit nervous about the paper I have to write for my Rhetoric 306 class. procrastination was a big problem of mine throughout high school. For a change, I wrote a page of the paper last night. However, I am not sure of the quality but nevertheless it is only a first draft and I just need to turn it in on time. Bing! Bang BooM! I hope I see this girl named Melissa at the Delta Gamma mixer tonight. I can't believe she lived in my hometown of Kansas City for two years. It's A small world after all. It's a small, small world. Bought printer paper today. Need to call my brother. Need to email my English teacher. So many things so little time. Oh well, keep on keeping on. I wonder why my brother Brent has not emailed me back. I wonder where he is? Did he leave Seattle? Who Knows? blankness washing over me. Who, who, who let, who let who who who let them dawgs out? Whistling in the hall. Shut Up! You are annoying me and taking over my stream of consciousness, but I guess it doesn't really matter what goes through the stream because the whole idea is just to type what is going through the mind. What is going through the mind? Tired? No, not particularly. Back is getting a little stiff though. Count backwards from 150 by seven and see if stress level goes up. Sickness. I was sick last week. coughing coughing coughing. runny nose, headache, ears hurt, throat hurt. Aaaagghh! Maggie. I miss my baby girl. She is a one year old poodle who I spent my entire summer with because of my broken leg. I miss her. I think she misses me. I hope she misses me. She has been sleeping on my bed. I hope she doesn't think I have abandoned her. Whistling. Boy, these guys are loud. Two days after a workout is when you are at your peak soreness. Full hour late for class. Oh boy, I am repeating the words of the guy that just walked into my room. Daily Texan. Something about the Daily Texan. Forever and ever amen. blankness Blank Man starring Damon Wayans was a really bad movie. Pure Crap! Soreness. I feel soreness too. My neck. Huge! Wow! Neat! OK Ok My printer is working pretty well. Printed off a bunch of stuff for biology. Three minutes left. Copies. Copies. Who let the dawgs out? This tune has become the anthem of the hall. One side actually likes the piece of rubbish. The other side plays it as a joke. Forever and ever amen. Ben Folds Five

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Stream of consciousness. What should I write about. Am I supposed to have some kind of direction or am I supposed to write exactly what I am thinking. This feels like a very strange assignment. for homework it seems that it I pretty easy. Actually it would be pretty intense if this was worth more than however much it is worth. Hmm for some reason I am blanked out, and it seems like I am thinking about nothing. Oh well. Lets see what happened today. I lucked out on my econ quiz, I was actually able to guess my way to a 100. What are the chances of that. having faith definitely pays off. I always say that it is important to have faith. That’s my motto in life. Have faith and have fun. Life is a funny thing. One minute your there and gone the next. It is like Louie the Lug Mcgurg for example. He died tragically at 18. I am 18 what happened. Somebody stepped on his fingers. And that killed him. well he was hanging of the 11th story of the hotel at the time. Poor lug. No Poor Mrs. the Lug. Now she is on the streets selling apples. The point is that the lug did not plan ahead and the government got everything. Oscar was a damn intense movie. It seems very difficult to figure out what I am thinking. Wen I try I blank out, and I keep trying to figure out what stream of consciences s then. Life is good. This entire internet business is pretty cool. I never would of thought I could write a paper, and then send it to a teacher by pushing a submit button. I wonder how much longer I will be writing this. I only have ten more minutes left. Everyone always asks what you are thinking about, when you are just sitting there thinking. Usually you say nothing because you just don't want to tell them. Now I am trying to think of what I am thinking and I am getting nothing. Cricket is a great sport. There is going to be the Sahara cup going to be played in Canada. It is India vc. Paistan. One of the biggest cricketing rivalries in the world. Team Pak is going to be victorious. Aamir sohai is a great Cricketer. I can not believe that they dropped him from the team. Granted he was a little out of form, but he would have taken the Indian crap bowlers around the park and back. This is beginning to seem kind of silly. I hope that was your point. I wonder if any body is actually going to read this. For some reason I doubt it. Whoever is reading it though I feel sorry for. That is a lot peoples garbage talk you have to read. Maybe it isn't. I have no idea what it is. This screen is really weird. How come only three lines have popped up. I have been writing for 15 minutes. Is this some kind of ploy so we can not see what we have written. I can not believe that I only thought about that now. In fact I just noticed that only this much was on the screen. Very Very Interesting. I am getting tired of typing. I am waiting for these final minutes to tick away. I hope you gain something out of this, because I don’t think I will. actually I might, but I have no idea how. I was thinking about quitting early, but what if you had some kind of device that told you how long I was on for. That is actually pretty scary. only god knows what technology can do nowadays. Anyway I hope you enjoy reading this. It is quite possible that I have enjoyed writing it. It is fun and relaxing to write something, without having o go back and proofread. It seems like you are an expert typer actually. Anyway now my 20 minutes are up, so have faith and have fun. If you read this give me an A. Even though It does not matter. This completion grade stuff is amazing. All my classes should do it.

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tomorrow we're going to see carrie, i'm really excited, i think but then there's also being anxious about it. i know i should be happy and in many ways i am, it's just weird. because i mean things with lisa have been on the weird side lately adn i don't think it's going to get any easier. maybe it's only this period of transition. i'm glad that lisa's comign out of her shell, i guess i'm still not wanting to. but then thea'ts not really something i like doing. typing on the keyboards makes little to no sense. at least with eva's keyboard, it's letters are separated, i wonder how she writes like that. i hate my dingy old omsputer though its so crappy i wish i could get s\a new one, but theen it'd be bad wasting it on some money. i wonder who that professors in waking life was. matthew said he teaches at UT but i guess it'd be hard to find him. there are al million billion people on campus. which has been weird cause i've been seeing people that i didn't really think i'd see again. i don't quite know what to do about that. i wish that john and i were better friends so we could hang out somewhere away from here and everything in my life wouldn't be so complicated and connected for once. i wonder what he thingsk of me, i hope i'm not imposing too much, i gues its been a while since there has been someone that's really interested me and i wish i could make him be interestedd in me too. i think its that need for love that we all have that makes me get this way. i guess i'd feel much better if i had someone that could hold my hand and listen to everything. i wish on some level i could be taht way with matthew, but when i'm with him, its so much more different. oh god. i'm only been writing for 6 minutes? what am i supposeed to write about. i wonder if this will give me writer s cramps. that carpal tunnel ? syndrome. i doubt it. but i don't know this is probly the most work i've had to do for a class so far. that and going to cnetral market, which wasn't too bad. i don't see all the glamour of central market yet, but who knows maybe it's there. i'm glad that i know some people in my classes, at least in my art related classes. theatre and psychology are other things. i wnat to be able to go up and talk to someone, but its so freaking intimidating. i think i'll make it a point next time to come early so i can get a good seat. i just wish i wasn't so tired all the time so i could really enjoy those classes. i thought i'd be spending alot more time being intellectually stimulated than i have been since classes startedd. maybe it just takes aw hile. i dunno, i still miss some aspects of high school. god, that sounds lame. and i know it is on most levels, i just miss how easy it was. but maybe not. the latter part of high school was hell. especially senior year. and really before senior year. i can't believe i still think about him sometimes. i must be liek the biggest loser in the world. i wonder if its because of him that i'm still get malfunctioney sometimes. but most days, i know for sure that's not true. maybe i just need someone or something to constantly be thinking about. like i need some drama in my life so i create it for myself by bringing up something that really bothered me even though its way in the past. i can't spend all this time and energy trying to analyze myself. it gets exhausting. i just should forget about it sometimes and just have funn. but then that gets you to be too so-called shallor . . that's really lame. i should just not be this way. i don't know. its not like i really think this way all the time. maybe i do but i guess it just seems different when actually writing out ideas as they come. i guess thats what i did with paper journal. thought i've become too lazy to keep up with one. i wonder how anna is doing. i'm glad she keeps in touch with carrie at least. in my aspect i totally understand why she wouldn't make too great of an effort to talk to me. god, i'm such an ass sometimes. hmm. . maybe i should eat ramen. it was so good today. but i dunno, that would mean i got to go work out or something and i know i'll regret it later. i'm tired of worrying about weight but then the flabbiness is not good to look at. i wonder how really obese peopel can live. i mean, not to be rude, but i feel really bad for them. if i were in their position and had trouble with just like moving around and stuff i might just die. aimee is going to sleep and this static crap is annoying the shit oputta me. i guess that's that whole buyy cheap. less quality thing. god but now its' like louder than ever. there headphones off muuuuuch better. my computer is so stupid. makes too much noise. i want to meet john someday. i hope he writes back soon. i guess i was kind of a big jerk for waiting so long to write to hiom. gosh, i hate that. it could have been fixed and we could be writing each other back and forth like we used to. . but noo. . i'm a big freaking idiot. ahh maybe i shouldn't try so hard. he's different than most guuys i know, i think. and i dunno, i really would like to see him one day. at least as friends, even though that might be kind of big and scary. maybe we'll just keep corresponding through email. that would be enough to keep me happy. i think. it's just weird giving so much of yourself so honestly and candidly and without prided or shame to someone you have never seen in real life. though, la

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It is now eleven o'clock and I'm getting hungry for lunch. I don't know why I'm hungry, I just ate a couple of hours ago. I really wish I didn't get hungry so often. Sometimes I think I'm not really hungry, but I just like eating. I'm not overweight, but I really haven’t felt good about my body for a couple of months now because I've been away and too busy to go to the gym as often as I used to. I'm worried that when I go back home to California in a couple of months for Thanksgiving people are going to think I've gained weight. When I go back I want to look good, even better than when I left. I can't wait to go home, well actually, I can. I know when I get home I'm going to wish that I was still back here. My dorm room is already starting to feel like home to me. I was really upset that Joe didn't call last night. It's been over two weeks since I talked to him last and he had promised to call the next day. I don't even have his phone number so there's no way I can reach him. I swear, that boy drives me mad! Oh, well, I'm not going to think about him any more. I'm really glad to finally be doing this assignment. I've been meaning to but my computer isn't set up so it's been impossible to do. I am so frustrated with this whole Ethernet thing. I've been to the store so many times and they never have the part I need. Finally I thought about using the computer lab here in Kinsolving. It's really nice as a matter of fact. It feels good to be on a computer again. I miss mine from home even though I wasn't on it very much. I wonder if anyone will ever really read this paper. I think I would laugh at half the stuff I've written. I don't know why I'm telling you these things, you don't even know, or care, who Joe is or that I have a computer. This place just got really full, it's weird how people seem to come in clumps. Have you ever noticed that at places there will be no line and then all the sudden there's a huge long line? That's weird, I think. I miss my dog. He died this summer while I was away in Germany. I just wish I'd given him more attention when I was home. I knew he would die some day, but I just never thought it would be so soon. I miss the meyers. That’s the family I was with in Germany. They were so nice to me, I felt like part of the family. Not many people get to do all the cool stuff I've been blessed enough to experience. I love to travel, but it's always so nice to be home. I was never bored this summer. That's a first for me. I'm almost always bored. I didn't get any letters today. That's the first time I haven't gotten any since I've been here. It kind of sucks. Sorry for swearing, I don't usually swear. I still have ten minuets to write. I'm running out of things to say. You must be so bored by now. Someone is playing music in the lobby. It's really annoying me. I can't wait to go to sleep tonight. Why am I always so tired. I don't even care if I go out anymore. I'm so jealous of my roommate. She is always doing cool stuff with her sorority and I haven't done much yet. She's really cute. I love her curly hair. We tried to make mine curly but it was more of a wave. It looked good, but I didn't know what other people would think about it. I just realized people could e-mail me down here That's good because people have been bugging me for my address. I can't wait until my computer is running. I'm so excited for the football game on Saturday, I just hope it's not too hot. I hope we beat UCLA because a lot of my friends are going there and I know that they'll think of me when they see UT and I want them to be jealous that the Longhorns won. That's bad that I want them to be jealous. It's not really what I want, I just want them to think of me. It would be really neat if I could get on TV then they could see me here and know that I'm okay and having fun. I really am having fun, but it sounds so fake when I tell people that, like I'm just pretending or something. ljliujiojkl

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I don't have to follow any rules except for the ones that I create for myself. As the days have gone by I have slowly but surely felt that I am alone. Not being without my family has created feelings of sadness inside. I know that all of this is just part of life and a certain period of adjustment that everyone in life must go through. I have done some crying and soul searching alone in my dorm room. I am expecting that my time in college will put me to the test and show me my weaknesses and strengths. I have been forced to come to terms with the fact that I am now the only one responsible for my well-being, time management, and academic matters. I must now assume total responsibility for myself. However I know that my family is always here for me as far as moral support is concerned and when I am in need of more money! rrHaHa! I am really feeling excited about being in Austin because I am closer to my sister in San Antonio and there is a wide variety of people here to interact with. I love to walk down the streets and see everyone, what they are wearing, how they are acting, and all around just what is going on. I consider myself to be someone who is open to people and their different lifestyles. Harlingen, the town that I am from, has the population at UT and it is a rather conservative place. If some of the people in Austin were to go down to Harlingen and walk the streets, they would get stares and be talked about. I love the fact that in Austin all things go. Going to class was somewhat of a nervous experience for me because I did not know what to expect. I found out that it was somewhat like the high school class experience, except for the fact that there were now hundreds of people in my classes. Also, I don't have to go to class if I don't want to. Although I could not see that as a possibility because I feel if I do that, then I will fall behind and lose valuable information. I feel really stressed because things have seemed to be going wrong for me since I got here. I have been misplacing things, tearing apart my room looking for them and then finding them right under my nose. I guess it is because I feel overwhelmed about being here at school. I just need to relax and enjoy this ride. I find it frustrating that parents and other relatives always give me the bad side of college, like, don't walk by yourself at night because you might get raped, don't spend too much money, don't do this and don't do that. Not that that is not valuable and understood but it's all negative. I like it when people are positive with me and say oh it's going to be great, you are going to have so much fun at college, you will learn so many things. My sister and her fiancé came to see me one day and my future brother-in-law made college seem like the best thing in the entire world. He is now a civil engineer and all he could say was that he wished he could come back to college because he enjoyed it so much. He really gave my roommate and me a better and more comfortable sense of being in college, instead of the Oh my gosh, I'm so scared of college and I know I'm going to end up killing myself view that is usually portray by others. Overall I am a mass of mixed emotions and look forward to anything and everything that I will experience here at the University of Texas at Austin.

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This must be the easiest and hardest writing assignment ever. There is nothing easier in a writing assignment when context and grammar doesn't matter, but there's nothing harder when one has nothing to write about. OK, how am I feeling? Hmm. I have a light headache and my contacts are bothering me. Right when I wrote "light" headache, it started to hurt even more. Anyways, in class Pennebaker did this statistical project or what not between people who are afraid of death are more likely to support Bush. Then, people who are more terrified of terrorists are more likely to support Bush. Hmm. I on the other hand, am not terrified of terrorist because I support Bush and feel safe with his leadership. That's how I would see it. If you are not afraid of terrorism, then you must think that Bush is doing a fantastic job with keeping America safe. Oh man, it's only been five minutes and my wrists are already starting to hurt. hmm, maybe I'll just type slower. My eyes are bothering me. Man this really sucks that I can't use the tab button to indent. I don't really want to keep pressing the space button because I am lazy and my wrist hurts. Ok forget any form of organization. I'll just babble about nothing. My eyes are watery. I bet it's due to my stupid contacts. My nose is runny too. Hehehe snot is gross. I wonder when anyone will ever read this. Never. Completion grade. Yay! Ok what am I thinking. I am thinking that I need to think of something so I can type whatever that thing is that I think ok. This is hurting my brain. I bet this is great for my headache. Wow, nine minutes already. This looks pretty lengthy. Ok I am positive that no one will ever read this. I mean who is going to read 300 plus random thoughts. Wow I just felt pressure to make mine interesting and jestful. What if mine is the most boring writing essay. No way, I bet that there's way more boring-er people than I am. I am just so cool like that. hehe no not really. Ok ::sigh:: 11 minutes. Wow. Time just slowed down. Ok I'm out of things to think once again. I rather be sleeping. It's in the afternoon and I just had lunch. I want to take a nap. Like pigs, they take a nap after they eat. I'm a pig. Only one minute has passed. What is this assignment suppose to prove. That class is composed of 300 hamsters in an experiment. Don't get me wrong. I don't mind. I'm in a fishbowl. Who's not a fishbowl? I am getting very sleepy. hehe I just thought of those guys who use a watch to hypnotize someone till they fall asleep and they say "you are getting very sleepy" in this creepy tone. well I feel like one of those guys being hypnotized. yayayaya! only 5 minutes to go! wow this is the best writing assignment ever. this should count for %50 of our grade. it's only fair. ok ok ok what am I thinking? I am thinking that I should be thinking of something to think of. ha that was gay. I'm hungry already and I just ate rice and steak. man I am a pig. I just have a big stomach capacity, I can't help it. headache. snot. itchy eyes. 3 minutes to go. I would be so mad if this whole thing got erased. hmm I wonder what everyone else is writing about. oh no, what if theirs is more articuling and witty. oh well I don't care. I hate competition. ha-ha ut's the best place for that. oh my gosh the count down begins. we have seconds left ladies and gentlemen. After much ado this fun is coming to an end. I must say it has been lots of fun.

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well let's see. when your trying to think about what your writing. all you think about is what your thinking. Which is kind of weird, all I can think about is thinking, so I don't think I'm thinking about anything else. But let me try and think more than think about what I'm thinking. ok, I'm listening to depressing music, that's is really the only thing I listen to these days, it helps me get through the day. I need another rainy day is a good lyric I just thought about. I'm in a band called furkloven. when I'm not with my girlfriend, I'm with the band. I love my band. someday we will be famous, we are just waiting for the glorious day. I've never heard the song that I'm listening to right now, it might be one of the best songs I've ever heard. it is called raining in baltimore if you ever read this and what to hear what I am hearing right now. this is my kind of music. if I could sit in this room with a guitar, a piano, and my music for the rest of my life I would be happy. the only thing I have left to look forward in life is music. I love music and music moves me. I'm not sure what to think anymore. lets see if I can get on another topic. I have no classes on friday's so now I'm out for the weekend. I just realized if I close my eyes and type it is a lot easier to think. so if there are any typos that is the reason. because from now on I refuse to open my eyes. let my type the lyrics of the last song I wrote. it was about my ex girlfriend to broke up with me for no reason at all. for the third time. I loved her and it tore me up so bad everytime she did that. and I took her back twice after she did it but the third time I had to let her go. she had issues. and she hates this song because she heard it for the first time at the talent show last year. it didn't go over too well with her. here is goes. this song is called late night song" I wrote it really late the night she broke up with me. hence the name: I spend my time alone, I wish you know the sadness that has grown, I fell in love, and it only fell apart, I never knew, I could have a broken heart. and I hope the way we lived, follows you forever and reminds you of the times we shared and I wish the time was still, cause we don't have long before we're gone and this late night song is all you'll ever have. its been a week today, the time has gone and I still feel the same. so hear this song, and try to make it last, its all you'll hear, cause I regret my past. and I hope the way we lived, follows you forever and reminds you of the times we shard and I wish, the time were still, we don't have long before we're going to and this late night song, is all you'll ever have, and I hate the way we lived, and I want to know where I stand, and I hate the way we lived, and I want to know who I am. and I hope the way we lived, follows you forever and reminds you of the times we shared and I wish, the time were still, we don't have long before we're gone and this late night song is all you'll lever have. there it is. it is a very popular song anywhere we go. its one of the favorites on the cd because a lot of people can connect with it. I have gotten emails telling me that people play it for their ex-girlfriends for revenge. because of the 'I regret my past' part. that's the part that got my ex girlfriend too. I'm listening to a song called goodnight elizabeth right now and it reminds me of my older brother'x ex-girlfriend. her name was elizabeth and she was one of the prettiest girls ever. the song actually resembles their relationship. my brother went to college at tulane in new orleans. and this song said I miss you in new orleans, but now I'm the king of the rain. which is probably referring to the rainy weather in southern louisiana. won't you fall down on me know won't you fall down on me. I love that lyric. cz I'm alone and your comin down. we just settle down down down down into home. I really respect counting crowes lyrics. they are one of the best bands ever in my mind. once our band starts getting bigger. we will change music I believe. our lead singer is amazing. and he is not like all the other singers out there. it is unique and all his lyrics are from the heart. his mother died of brain cancer a few years back and ever since then he has written the saddest and most beautiful songs. I didn't expect to be in college this year because of all the record company attention we have gotten lately and my parents agreed to if we got signed to a label, then we wouldn't be in school. right now we are very close to the signing. and I'm not sure if I will finish this semester or go live the life I will live for the rest of my life. I just wish I could major in being a rockstar. beyond the band. I have nothing real in my life, my band IS my life, and if I ever lose the guys, I will lose my life.

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Today I am very tired. Because last night I was up to two am to do my chemistry lab reports. First I thought it was easy and it wouldn't take me so long to do it. But actually it required a lot of consideration and calculations. After I finished writing the report, I found out that the report must be typed. The problem was I don't have a printer at home, and at that time, it was already ten at night. I didn't want to go to the library so late but didn't want to get it done at the last minutes of tomorrow morning. I went to knock at my neighbours' doors and asked them if they had a printer I could borrow. The lucky thing was that the second one I asked does has a printer and he let me borrowed it. So the problem had been solved. Then after this I kept on writing my Chemistry prelimenary write up. I needed put the procedures and data table up. That was a very long lab, there were totally seven experiments I need to do today and it spent me like eight pages for the pre-lab write up. So today morning I went to the lab room and turned in my lab report at the beginning of class. I am glad that I finally got it done, but I don't know what would the grade be since I was in a hurry last night. Then I start to do my experiments. It took me almost four hours to finish and after that I was so exhausted since I didn't eat breakfast in the morning. My data was so messy and I don't know if I could read them when I need to write the lab report again. After the lab, the first thing came up my mind was to go home and have a nice big sandwhich. At one o'clock, I had my math discussion class. I almost felt to sleep during that class since the topic the TA discussed was kind of boring and I already knew them. After this class, I had my Biology discussion class. This class is pretty cool because it took like 15 minutes then we could go home. So I went home and get on the line to have a little rest. I was chatting with my friends, checking email, and surfing until my roommate came back. Then we did dinner together. Tonight's dinner was good and it was the thing I enjoyed the most today! Ah, two minutes left. finally, so what else I need to say? So after the yummy dinner I started to write this assignment, and now time is up. I can go on to the next writing assignment. my hands are so tired

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ok, ummm, I'm hungry. just got out of psych class and I was hoping to go home, but must turn this writing assignment in before friday. the lie detector presentation was interesting. sadly I started nodding off around the part where dr. pennebaker was talking about dopamine and schizophrenia and parkinsons. I was never completely asleep, just in and out of consciousness. man, my typing skills are really sucky. anyway, ricky's in my head. he is turning 19 on september 24. I always think he and chelsea should be together because chelsea wants it that way. wanted. she says she is over him, but I don't know. I am excited about the garlic toast I'm going to make with andrea's tuna casserole. yes, my roommate is also andrea. she is the more prominent andrea. totally super smart, super pretty, super nice. I could totally jealous. no, envious because she has what I don't have, she is not taking what I used to have. yeah, I could totally envy her, but it's just not so. she is a blessing. so. I need to make a bracelet for jodi. hopefully she is doing ok. and why is kirk still in my head? we weren't even super friends, just very casual acquaintances, but he manages to pop back in my head after three years. great job kirk. actually, I think I like thinking about him. or the idea that I have of him. I don't really know him so I can only entertain the ideas that I have of the hypothetical kirk. and I feel old. and worn out. and everytime I'm close to the edge of the sidewalk and a big bus passes by, I somewhat regret that I didn't fall or stumble into its path. I'm not suicidal, but the drama that comes with saying or writing these things is fun. I could die so easily. if death came right now, I'd go with him. even more so if he was cute. but I have too many people to be responsible to. not just friends and family but everyone who I've told that life is good. where am I going with this? I don't know. but it's more interesting than an itchy foot, no? so biology is making me feel anxious. hard professor, dr. edmiston, but I like it that way because it's like a battle or a contest. you get through, if I get that A, then it's going to be so cool because it's such a hard-ass class. andrea's hardass class is physics, but hers is plan II so it's probably triple the intensity of my biology class. I'm glad I have something to work for, something to worry about because it was too easy at uta (arligton). I was not' challenged so I slacked off. worked more and got more money, yeah, but wasted time and money on classes that I liked but weren't going towards nursing. oh well. I tell andrea I feel like a gray crayon here in austin. but I don't feel that all the time, just when I realize how gray I am compared to others. I'm thinking of what to type so this is probably only partial stream-of-consciousness, and not because I have something to hide but I'm better at writing. my thinking and writing speeds are almost the same. or, that's not good, I can slow my thinking to my writing speed but not to my typing speed. and I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. an eternal darkness, but I wouldn't know because I'd be asleep. but then if I ever wake up on the other side I'd feel guilty leaving people behind. so that was twenty minutes? yeah, if you want to see more stream-of-consciousness just ask to see my blue notebook. I usually sit front and center and no more than three rows back. but who would care? but it's there. ok, bye!

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I don't know if I can handle all of this. Every semester I procrasnated with only 13 hours to worry about. And for the first time, in a long time, I am facing reality and taking my school work and my life seriously. The good thing is that I have a loving mother who understands me most of the times; I have a father that I do love and who does love me, but I don't watn to get in to it; and my pride and joy is my boyfriend who I love dearly, and Labor day is our first year anniversary. I have no clue what to get him. I mean we've always given each other what's in our heart (we don't like superficial stuff)--I've made many creative stuff like "two peas in a pod" with clay, paper mashad hearts for Christmas, cranes in a bottle,. and he too have made me stuff like putting our baby pictures to gether in a frame, written me poems, made a model Plymouth Plower (my favorite car last year), and he even went so far as to sew a heart for me. FOr a guy to sew is absolutely a amazing. It was so poorly put togther, some strings were loose, some parts were't even attached. etc, but it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I must have cried, partly because I was mad at him at the time because I felt that he was not thinking too much of me. Was I surprised. So here's a delinma. How can I show him what he means on our anniversary when all my ideas have been used? Plus I only have exactly 6 days to do this? I was originally going to draw the entire Disney fairy tale characters, but he doesn't like disney. I was thinking of writing him a poem, but I'm just so much better at prose. So far, my idea is to just to write him a book with old scripture. Hopefully, with everything that I have to do this week, I'll be able to write it.

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Last night around 11pm or so a friend of mine from high school came knocking at my door. She told me that a guy I went to high school with had just committed suicide on Friday. Apparently he had a fight with his parents about his drug abuse (which I had no idea was even an issue with him) and he stormed out of the house. No one knew where he was so they went looking for him. They found his body by a creek in a neighborhood near mine (some of my friends still live there, too). It still hasn't hit me yet. I have been at school with him since the first grade. I know that at the funeral, it will definitely hit me. After last year I thought everything was going to be better. At the beginning of the school year (actually the summer before my senior year) Kyle committed suicide by hanging himself. After getting over that, Will was killed in a car accident. After coping with Will's death, I thought nothing else was going to happen. I mean, two deaths (not to mention the death of teacher) happened within the span of about three or so months. The rest of my year was going great until April. That was when I found out that one of the girls who I had been best friends with in elementary and junior high had committed suicide. She overdosed on her medication and died in her sleep. I couldn't believe it. For years I would talk to her and hang with her and played sports with her all through middle school. Going to her funeral was the hardest thing that I have EVER had to do. I cried the minute I got there and didn't stop crying until days later. Seeing her parents made it even harder. I mean what can you say to them. Nothing you could ever come up with could make them feel any better. Nothing could make you feel any better either. She had an open casket, so as we walked out after the service was over, we had to pass by her. I absolutely and completely fell apart. I couldn't see where I was going I was crying so hard. Even now as I am writing this assignment I'm getting tearyeyed. I still don't understand (and I probably never will) why anyone could take their life like that. I mean, don't they know how many people need them, how many people depend on them, or how many people just love them for who they are and how they make us feel when we're around them. Marshall is the second one to kill themselves from my elementary/junior high school. Everyone always talks about how things like that come in three's. Now I'm just wondering if the saying will come true. Will there be a third suicide or death that I'll have to deal with? I really and truly hope so. I sure as hell can't take another death or another funeral for that matter. When I first started this assignment I didn't think that I'd have much to say, but that doesn't look like the case. This is kind of therapeutic though. I'm tired of talking and thinking about a gloomy subject like death, so I've decided to start typing about something better. I really excited to be here at the university. I really love it here. My classes and professors are great. I am worried/anxious about final exams though, but I still have awhile before those come around. I'm still getting used to the fact that you pretty much get one grade at the end of the semester. Unlike in elementary through high school in which every 3 weeks you got a progress report and then every 6 weeks came your report card. I'm also getting used to being alone a lot. Sometimes you have to eat by yourself, or sit in class by yourself, etc. But then again you meet so many new people. Well, my time's up.

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Very rarely do I just sit down in front of a blank screen and start writing without having any idea where my words are going. At this point, I'm really wishing that I could get some peace and quiet. I've always lived in an extremely quiet house and I guess I took the peacefulness for granted. However, despite the occasional clash between my study and the party in my room, I have no complaints about the present state of my life. I'm heading home this weekend, and while I've only been in Austin for about two weeks, I feel like this is home now. My house is just like some place I visit on occasion. I can't decide whether its a good thing that this change in my life doesn't bother me or whether its a bad thing. Either way. what are you going to do. I am just completely blanking on what to write about. Anything that is running through my mind would take too long to explain and I don't usually tell stories about myself anyway. For an arbitrary subject, I guess I'll write about my best friend. She goes to A&M and I will be seeing her in about a week for her sister's wedding. It seems strange to be her without her. We talked everyday in highschool. Four years. that's a long time. However, I don't feel like our relationship has suffered at all because of the distance. I always believed that once you got to see what is inside the center the someone, what makes them tick, what makes them unique, then the relationship never ends. Because, what is inside someone never changes. All of the stuff we put on for show, that changes, but not what's inside people. I am looking forward to the wedding though, because it feels like I haven't seen her in a long time. O. K. Second arbitrary topic. Dating. I am really looking forward to dating in college. I mean there are about 25000 new girls wandering around here, and at least some of them are bound to be interesting. However, it is a bit strange to think about dating because its only about month since I broke up with my last highschool girlfriend. Damn, it is so hot in this room. Well, my ex-girlfriend. that subject is going no where. I guess I have a tough time talking about the past. I always figured that everyone distorts there versions of the past. Memories are either viewed through rose-colored glasses or blinders. I'd rather think about what I'm doing right now. Memories are nice on occasion, but as with anything else, you can over-indulge in them. What's really foremost in my mind right now is making good grades and not losing my social life or mind in the process. I really don't think that will be too difficult though. When you study something you enjoy, then its not really work. Instead of draining your energy, it gives you more energy. New things to learn, new things to strive for. I love it. I really have no clue how long I've been writing, but I assume I'm pretty close to 20 minutes. Mental note to self: pick up new Pat Green CD for dad tomorrow and call Angela. Well, this is my stream of consciousness. Its not a deep stream but damn it its mine. To end I will remind myself of some sayings a very wise man said once: Never play poker with a man named Doc. Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never date a woman with a tattoo of a dagger anywhere on her body. Never try to teach a pig to sing. it stresses you out and annoys the pig, and finally, the ultimate truth in the universe: frogs have and always will whomp their asses every time they jump. Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Be sure to tip your waitress. Good Night!

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Man today was a really long day. I'm a so tired but I have all this crap to do still. mostly calculus. I don't know why I took 408D. its so freaking hard. I hope I'll do okay because I just have to. I signed up for tutoring but I don't know how much that'll help. I like this cd I'm listening to. I've listened to it a million times but still like it. man I'm really upset that alias isn't coming on this season. I love that show. It was one thing I was looking forward to this semester. I wish I could be like Sydney and kick butt. but instead I'm really boring. man I am so freaking tired. the bathroom has gotten really disgusting. I don't want to be the only one to clean it but I don't want to be the only one to complain that its dirty. I hate cleaning toilets. I mean it would be okay if it were at home because that's like our toilet and I kind of know the germs around. but this is used by four other girls and eeeeek I just can't think about it with out cringing. college is about cleaning bathrooms or learning how to. I guess I'll get used to it. Its going okay so far. I mean its fun and all but I don't know. I really really miss home. Its weird not coming home to your family everyday. I've met some really cool people but I still miss my old friends. but I'm getting used to going places by myself. Woo hoo I'm no longer a person that asks her friends to come with her to the bathroom. sheehs its only been 5 minutes. I don't know how much more I can type. This is a cool assignment not much thinking involved but wait haha I am typing what I am thinking so hey. my fingers are beginning to hurt from typing so much without stopping. Wait I missed my favorite song on the cd. Oh well. I wish asthma were here with me. We could do some awesome stuff together. but amrita seems really cool we've had great convos. but I'm still scared to make new close friends like I loved my friends from hs. We were such GOOD friends. Making new friends involves retrusting strangers and just starting over. Its hard for me I'm not one of those people who can socialize with anyone anywhere. I feel really alone sometimes in a room full of people but I guess that's natural. wow its only been 8 min and 48 seconds. but I shouldn't complain this is better than doing limits in calculus. lord calculus. I'm so worried I have to do good I have to. After this I should start some calc go over notes and then hwrk. tomorrow is discussion so it shouldn't be so bad. but I'm still worried sometimes the ta randomly calls on people to answer questions which isn't good when I'm totally clueless. Its embarrassing. but I guess I'm not the only one. Some people didn't know the answers either. The only thing is that in the class there's all these engineering majors completely engrossed in calculus they seem to understand everything. the class would be tons easier if I knew someone in there to help me. but there is morty. he's in a diff class but he says he'll help me. He's so freaking nice. he helps out a lot and hangs out with me even though I can be boring haha. I think he feels bad for me because I'm not adjusting as well as him to college. he's having like the time of his life . So many friends and places to go. I should keep my self busy so I won't get so lonely. I'm joining clubs and stuff but that makes me nervous. I want to run for office but its so scary for some reason. I have second thoughts about everything I have no idea why. I wonder where my roommate went. She works out everyday. Its inspiring I should too. I'll go to the gym. Haha I'll try who knows if I actually will. I went once and really liked it but I just have to find time. It seems like I have boatloads of work. but college is good. I'll get through it. I just don't know why people say its the best time of their lives. so far it just seems alright. Who knows I still have at least 4 years . I'm so sleepy. 5 more minutes of this and then calculus. No time to sleep. Ooh I need to watch RNC tonight. I missed last night but Laura bush was there. It might of been interesting even though I'm not much for republicans. everything lately is so political. its funny. in every class discussion there is some mention of elections. like in psychology the polls were really interesting. how people afraid of death are more likely to vote for bush. who knows if its actually true but I think there's some validity to it. sigh. I'm going home this weekend. I'm excited. I'm getting a ride from a stranger kind of so its weird. Haha that's what's cool about being Indian. parents can always find some other Indian kid to drive you home. oh well. I'm so tired there's only 2 minutes to go. This was actually cool and stress relieving. you know when you have so much on your mind its good to let it out. oooh asthma just imed me. I haven't talked to her in a while. damn she hangs out with matt Clark now. I find that to be so freaking funny. who would of thought? anyways man all I can think about is sleeping and dreaming haha I like dreaming lately I have weird dreams last time I had this nightmare

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My dad and I are trying to reconnect our computer and get the internet back on it and he is driving me crazy. He insults my intelligence and thinks I never know what I am talking about. This really makes me upset and hurts my feelings to the point I just feel like breaking down into tears. I am also stressed out about school this semester. I am on probation right now because my GPA fell below 2. 0. I am really trying to keep up this semester and bring it up but it is really stressing me out. Sometimes I just feel like giving up on everything but I know that will not solve anything. My life just feels so empty right now. To start off with I get in a bad car accident a few months before I graduate high school and then get a really crappy job for the summer. Then I end up on probation at the end of my first year at UT and I still have the same crappy job for the summer. Then I also have to take a summer course at ACC along with my crappy job. Then I have to have surgery which put me out of commission for half of the summer. The next thing I know my boyfriend and I are separating after a year and a half. Now I am back at UT struggling to keep up and improve my grades. My life just seems to be going down the drain right now and I seem to be following close behind. Though I enjoy my classes this semester I feel I am going to fall behind and I will end up need major help to get through it all. I just wish I had enough motivation to follow through with my studies and just blow everyone out of the water with my grades this semester. I wish now that I hadn't put this assignment off so long because now I have to be all the way out here on campus instead of at home studying. You know if I don't get off probation I am afraid my parents or the school will take me out and I will end up at ACC permanently. Getting a degree from ACC is not the best thing in the world you know. It is almost like getting a GED from high school because you had to go to ATLAS or something to that effect.

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I wonder what my mother is doing right now. I hope that she is taking the news of the weekend plans well. If I hadn't told I think I would have felt guilty. Yeah guilty. Jeremy sure is excited about it so screw what she thinks I am going to be happy and if she gets mad at that than to bad for her. My father thinks it's okay. I mis my father I miss my bed I miss my House and my dog My dog that is one great dog I can;t wait for the weekend. Showering with shoes is getting old and I have only done it for a week and I am ready to take a shower with out shoes. Grandma food can't wiat to get grandma food. That is the best food the world has ever seen grandma food. I wish I could grandma food instead of cafe foood everyday. I really don't like my math professor I can;t understand a word he says serves me right not going to that web site and reading those teachers evaluation forms. Carols back and I don't where she been. I hope she had a great time. It is nice that she lets me us her computer I am tired of dealing wiht my internet service 20 minutes is a long time to type I am so tired of my internet service how in the world are we suppose to do it that stupid ethernet card I am about to throw it up against the wall I can't' wait to see my boyfriend I wonder what he is doing right now Its only been 10 minutes and my hands are really getting tired of typing My boyfriend what a great guy I hope that he is okay I'm sure that he is. He is the best. Ionder what it si that he got me he said he got me something I love surprises I wish I got surprises everyday that would make life great great this is great some music would be nice my favorits cd I haven't listened to it in a while and I really like it I wonder ay I haven't listen to it. I hope that Susan gto her paper done Man I need sleep I am so tired I think that I am going to get some disease if I don't get more sleep than I have been I have a sharp pain in my wriast from typing that's odd I wonder why that is It's been 15 minutes and it seems like forever "Who will save our soul" Jewel I really like jewel I really need to take a shower oh well I'll take one tomorrow I always have to think is tomorrow spelt with two r's or two m's. I can't ever get that right. Carol is cleaning I wonder if she will notice that I am writing about her she is great I like all of the people that I have met and my mother didn't think that I would make any friends. SHe was so wrong I think that 20 minutes is way to long my brain actually feels tired I wonder why that is It's probably because I wonder about too many things too many things I can't wait for Halloween maybe I'll go to a costume party that would be fun I havn't gone to one of those in a while I'm sure that there will be one some where around campus I love Chickfila Carol has a chikfila cow I think that's great I think maybe I should have bought one of those as well. I wish I had but than again I am a college student and like all other college students I have no money. No money I wish I had money it would make life so much easier or would maybe not maybe so that's a good question to ask myself money probably would make me lazy which would make me fat Yuck> I am so excited about this weekend it makes me so happy to think about showering without shoes on and real food and all of the animals at Sea WOrld Its been a long time since I went to sea World to see all of the shows. This ime I am going to watch the shows so Jeremy can see them and that is Oma's favorite part the shows I always upset her beacuse I hate the shows this time she will be happy.

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However, I feel I could be falling into a trap that could severely effect my grades. My roommate is a friend from high school and unfortunately for me he likes to stay out very late. I have early classes and it is starting to take a toll on me. It doesn't seem as if there is enough time in a day. I am looking forward to playing club volleyball here and I really enjoy the coach. Volleyball is by far my favorite sport. I need to start asking some girls I have met out on dates. I am enrolled in a dancing class with one of my girlfriends and I am having a lot of fun with it. My parents are coming up to see me tomorrow and will be bringing my bicycle with them. It is funny, I love my parents very much but I really don't miss them. I don't have a desire to go home any time soon. My suitemates are having friends stay the night and I hope that they will not be too noisy. After the football game tonight I think I will do some homework and go to bed. I am looking forward to this psychology class. I find it very interesting so far. I need to be sure to keep up in my reading.

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Today is September 4, 1997. It is twelve days before my best friend leaves for the NAVY. He has come to Austin to visit. I have dreaded these past couple of months ever since I knew he was leaving. He has been my best friend for five years. We have gone through so much stuff during those years. It is hard for me to say good-bye, but I know I must. We said we would see each other in six years but how will we know. it bothers me to know that he will forget about me, but I hope and pray he won't. Ever since he has come to visit we have went out and done something. Usually we just talk. He has been the only person that has understood what I feel. It's like we have some unknown connection that I can't really explain. But I realize that time will go one and maybe in six years we will find each other and things will be the same as they were be for either of us left. but how will I be certain. I told him that this is the hardest thing for me to do. I don't know if he understands it or not, who knows. It's kind of funny. Everyone believes that best friends (when male and female) make the best couples. And everyone always told us that we will probably get married, I don't think so. There isn't that feeling of that kind of love there. When I came too UT and began to meet other people, I didn't feel that I was loosing him, merely that I didn't think about him so much. But there were times that I missed his companionship when I didn't have someone to talk to. That is what I’m going to really miss the most about him. He has the great capability to listen and help out, even though he is male. But I will always love him and his great personality even if he changes during the years. I believe we have come to far in life as friends to let our friendship fail. September 16, will be a very sad and happy day because he will begin his career and future and I will be missing my best friend in the world.

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I don't know what exactly I am supposed to write about. and I think about how much time I spend trying to perfect everything in my classes, but when does that ever go through. I think that there is so much to do and I have no time to do it it. the stress keeps growing and growing. I am a bad typer so this won't be as long as it should be biut I don't really care I keep fixing my mistakes even thoigh I know I am not supposed to I thik that my hand will start to hurt really soon after so much typeing that I am going to inevitablly have to take a break soon but I ll just keep going psy seems to be an interesting courseso far and I am looking forward to listening to some of the lectures. thinking/ I don't know what else I am supposed to type about so I am going to write words that don't mean anything to me I miss my mom and my family and I miss my exboyfeind even though we had a bad breakup, I don't know if this is approriate for this assigninment or not but I sometimes I think that my thoughts go in weird directions and I think abnormal thoughts that people don't usually think about but then again I am just another teenager who is full of life and evenerygy anf I I someimtes wish that my teenage days were over and I could then setlle down and do something useful with myselfv but I love being young I wouldnt give this up for the world and to know that in a couple of years I am going to be off doing sothing that will whats the word I am looking for effect, thats it, the rest of my life and the way that I live and the people I will be freiends with and the people I will work for what exactly do I have to do to make things work out for me/ what exactly do I have to prove to people to show them that I deserve respect and a good life/ I think this typing is a waste of my time because I am not even getting anything done and I haVE so miuch reading to do and I have better things to do than to type this and no one is even going ot read this it angers me that I have to spnend 20 mins on something no one is even going to look at there are about 600 people in my class and I doiubt anyone will know who I am for a long time f even ever. I wish that I never sined up for this classs as a freshman. I wish I could go home and not be stuck in a place like this and I wish things could change for me. I don't know how I am supposed to think about the way I think. I think thats stupid no one understans fully how the brain works. no one will ever understand the way I work and I wish they would all stop trying. I live my life for everyone else iu thats wrong, but I can't ever live up to any expectauions and it upsets me. I will most likely grow up to become a psyco! thats all. I'm stopping now. Jennifer Nguyen

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I'm pretty out of it right now, still pretty sleepy. But I know I've got to do this since it's due in 3 hours. I can feel the onset of a headache, I don't know why. I think I've gotten enough sleep. Maybe it's because I haven't eaten enough. As soon as I 'm done, I'm going to pig. I'm kind of worried about my classes. I've already missed more than I should. I haven't missed any psychology but that's only because it's only twice a week and, more importantly, it doesn't start 'til 3:30. It's my latest class; all my rest are earlier in the morning. I've had a lot of trouble getting up. However, I think I can manage to catch up. I don't think I've missed anything terribly important. My lip is feeling a little funky right now. I got it pierced a few days ago. I really can't say why I did it. Maybe to set myself apart from others, maybe because I'd never done anything like it, maybe because I'm a teenager and I'm "rebelling. " I think I deserve to, too, since I don't drink, smoke, or do anything like that. I don't know how my parents are going to feel about it. Obviously, they're not going to be happy. But I don't think they can get too upset. Like I said, I stay away from all the alcohol and stuff like that that is rampant in college, so hopefully they'll allow me this one thing. I think I've been a pretty decent kid. I've also been taking care of my lip so it doesn't get infected so they shouldn't have to worry about it. Plus, my brother got a tattoo his first semester up here and I think that's more dangerous, especially since he got it on his spine. One thing that has me really nervous was caused by my own stupidity. I was over at my friend's house last night and he'd bought a doityourself haircut kit. Me, wanting to save a few bucks, gave it a shot on myself. Well, to trim my sideburns, I took off the clipper thing and just left the razor which is about a "0. " Anyway, I go to the other room to ask my friend how it's looking. He says it's all right but needs a little work. So I go back to the sink, pick up the clipper and proceed to run it up the back of my head. Immediately, from the sound, I could tell that I'd forgotten to put the #2 clipper on; it was still on "0. " Now, I've got a bald spot on the back of my head. I really started freaking out. People would think I was a freak. I wasn't going to shave my head, but I had my friend fix it up as beast he could but it's still pretty obvious. Now, I've got to wear a hat backwards for at least a week so no one will notice. I'm pretty selfconscious. If I thing there's something wrong with my looks, it becomes pretty hard for me to talk to people I don't know. Which sucks since I'm already pretty shy and since I'm still trying to meet new people. It looks like the twenty minutes are up now. I hope I did this assignment right.

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I am from San Antonio. I feel sick all of the time. I don't feel nervous or anxious, I just don't feel well. I started feeling this way when I moved to Austin. I usually don't get more than 4 hours of sleep a night and I usually only eat one meal per day. I don't think that I am depressed, although last night I cried for about 30 minutes because I was thinking about things from the past. I miss my ex-boyfriend. When we broke up I felt like a failure because he was the only guy that I tried for. He has been the only guy that I have ever cared about. I also cried because I miss my mother. She died from leukemia when I was 9. Right now I don't feel like studying for my Chemistry quiz tomorrow, even though I really need to. There is this problem I seem to have with caring. I just don't. There are only two people in this whole world that I would cry at their funerals if they were to die. Those two people are my dad and my brother. Lately I feel like they don't really care to talk to me though. My best friend is also my roommate and she has gotten a call or a visit from someone in her family at least everyday. I haven't gotten a call from anyone in my family yet. I guess it doesn't really matter though. There is this guy in Austin that I may start to actually like. I met him at the summer orientation for pre-freshmen. Then, over the summer, he spent five days looking up my phone number over the internet. (Or so he says) Well now we are sort of dating and I'm starting to get a little interested. I'm very insecure though, and I think that he is too good-looking for me and soon he will find someone better. That's why I try not to let myself care too much for him. My roommate thinks that I am just a player because I talk to a lot of guys, but that is not what I want. I want someone to want to be with me all of the time, and no one else. I only want one person for me, but at the same time there are so many new and interesting people attending this University that I have a hard time being serious about committment right now. I don't know. I guess I will just have to see what happens, right? My dad doesn't understand that I don't care about my new step-mother. She is my second step-mother because my dad and first step-mother got a divorce. I didn't care about her either. My first step-mother had two sons of her own and I was glad when they got divorced because I didn't like her or her sons. My step-mother now, I like, but I just don't care what happens. She is not my mom. You only have one mother in a lifetime. As long as she makes my father happy, she is cool. I'm so tired, but I probably won't be able to sleep again tonight. Most of my classes are giving me a lot of work to do. My friends all say that it sucks to be Heather, but I don't really care. I have a job interview on Friday. I don't want a job, but my dad wants me to get one. I want to go home. Home is not my dorm room, and it's not my house in San Antonio where my parents live either. I say that I want to go home all of the time, but I still don't know what I mean when I say it. When I find that place where I am happy I guess then I will know what I mean. I'm not a happy person. yet. I am content, but not happy with my life. I have this one candle that I light when I feel truly happy. I haven't lite it in years.

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this is getting really old this is my second time doing this because the page keeps shutting down or going back and I have no idea what's happening to my other writings. so now I'm getting really annoyed because I have other homework to be doing . I also have to do the prescreening because I tried doing it last night and the computer kept crashing. I'm watching the sandlot I remember this movie from when I was a little kid me and my brothers would always watch it. they always tried to make me watch Michael Myers and I'm so scared of him. they used to dress up like him and have his mask and hide in my room at night. they were pretty mean to me. now that I'm gone I miss them so much. mayra and john keep arguing and whispering stuff to each other and I wish they would stop they make it so obvious that they don't want me to hear. I hope I don't have to start over again because that's going to make me so mad. I'm going to the incubus concert next week and I'm so excited the only thing that sucks though is that I have a test on Monday in this class and also my precal class which means I have to hurry up and study and not slack off. I don't want to be one of those students who mess up at the very beginning of their college years and then wish they wouldn't have. this timer is going really slow and I'm getting really sleepy I didn't go to bed until six in the morning. I was up watching videos and eating cereal today is Nichol's birthday and instead of me buying her something she bought me a glow in the dark wish bear. I thought that was very sweet of her but I feel bad because I have no idea what to get her for her birthday she has everything that she could possibly want. were going to go eat at red lobster on Saturday and were going to the movies to watch wicker park. I already saw that movie this weekend but I liked it so I want to see it again. it was about a girl who becomes obsessed with this guy. I wonder why people become obsessed with others I mean does it have to do something with their brain or is it just lust and they want to get their way. I hope I do good in college I don't want to mess up. I'm not even sure what I want my major to be. I was premed at the beginning and I still am but it seems really difficult and it needs a lot of determination and hard work. I know I could do that if I really wanted to but I want to have a life outside of school and it seems that's all that doctors have time for, books and work. so I'm getting really hungry and my head is starting to hurt john and mayra are still arguing and I don't like it at all. I feel bad when people argue because I feel I should try to make everything better. I know its usually none of my business but I like to make people happy. all of my friends tell me that's a bad quality because I never end up doing what I want. but the thing is I don't want to hurt anyone especially those I care about. I feel like I'm hiding so many things from so many people but they would never understand me and plus I don't want to disappoint them. I know that if they really loved me they would understand and be happy for them but I'm not sure I want to take that chance especially if I don't even know what's going to come out of it. I'm probably not making any sense right now and I wish this would hurry up because they are really getting mad now and I'm using johns computer so I feel like I'm using him and mayra is getting mad at him and he is doing me a favor by letting me use it. they left the TV on a baseball game and I don't want to watch that. I need to go and check in with my job because I need to start working already. I'm running out of money and I don't want to ask my mom for money because she has bigger things to worry about I just want to make it on my own and make her proud. they are all doing so much for me to be here that I don't want to make them doubt why they believe in me so much. I really want to go home and watch TV and fall asleep and forget about everything that's going on right now I feel like pretty soon everything is going to crash and burn and its going to be all my fault and I'm going to be left with nothing except regret. I regret not being honest with everyone right now but I'm just trying to take things one day at a time. hopefully everything will get easier and make more sense because I have no idea what I'm going to do if it doesn't. I hope that everything that is happening is happening for a reason

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writing for twenty minutes seems like an incredibly long time, but I have always heard that keeping a journal is good for your mental health. So, maybe this experience is kind of keeping a journal. I'm listening to music right now while I do this and it is actually kind of distracting me. Its for my History of Rock Music Class which is actually kind of boring, but I heard its going to get better. As I write this I notice how incredibly bad at typing I am. Other people are probably going to have a novel by the end of 20 minutes. I am going to have like a couple of paragraphs. That is really sad. Now, I am thinking all psychological though. I am like oooooh, they are going to read this and think that I compare myself to other people. " I do compare myself to people all the time. I am very competitive. My arms hurt already. I do badly on computers. I hate staring at the screen. When teachers make you read articles off of the computer, I always have to print it out-which is kind of annoying. I also notice how incredibly bad my sentence structure is when I am not thinking about making it good. I am kind of surprised I made an A in rhetoric. I loved rhetoric. It was really interesting for me. All my classes this semester seem interesting. Tough-but interesting. Geology is weird. Hopefully it will get better. I found out today that I could have been in a psychology class about love and relationships before taking Psychology 301. I am really interested in that kinda of psychology specifically. So I am sad, but psychology 301 will at least be a good introduction. And now I sound like a suck-up because this is for psych 301. And now I sound like I care about what people think. I do though to some extent. ooooooh fun song on. That Swing Swing Song by All-American Rejects. I like it a lot. It reminds me of the summer. I wish I would've seen American Pie Three. I didn't even see the first or second one though-haha. My room is so quiet and alone and big when my roommate is not here. She is strange and different, but she is really unique and I like her a lot. She is never here though. Her boyfriend goes to A&M-just like my boyfriend. She always goes to their games and never has even been to a UT game! I told her she should come to the Arkansas game with me and she was like "OH YEAH! WE played them last week!" WE. WE. she said "WE" as though she was from A&M. she is crazy. My boyfriend lives in College Station and you will never find me there. There is nothing to do. So, he comes to Austin. I realize I have pictures of people in my room that I do not even like. I only have a picture of this girl Jenny because she is really good friends with my boyfriend. She and I are cordial to each other in person. We hate each other really though. I know she hates me a lot-my boyfriend told me. I hate that she hates me because I am usually nice to her. But , I hate her too. But she is obnoxious to me and kind of bitchy. So, I think I have the right to not like her. Wow, twenty minutes is a long long time. I still have 8 minutes left and I feel like I need to do something else. Maybe that means I have ADD. I cannot read for more than like 20 minutes at a time. Its really hard to be like that in college cause everything is reading. I am behind in all of my classes. I study and read-I just have to take breaks and re-read a lot cause I don't catch everything. Like I try to keep up, but I can't. Its bad. I need to study more but then I stress myself out if I don't do anything but study. I need to be in organizations because they help take my mind off of school for a short time period. I stress myself when I study 24/7. That is how it was over the summer. Everyone else went to Frat parties every night and I stayed in and studied. There were NO organizations to be in. There were only frat parties. And I don't even like frat parties all the time. Drunk people can be fun sometimes--but like a million guys and just a couple girls can be obnoxious. 8 drunk guys hitting on you all once is a little overwhelming. And plus boyfriends do not generally like that. So, I stayed in and studied. I was so focused on my grades that I would stress out about getting anything worse than an 85. Because I was not completely done with a rough draft of paper once, I stressed out so much that I threw up. it was really bad. All of my friends were REALLY worried about me. I passed out and everything. Over a paper! yeah, that is pretty scary. I guess I am just not good with my time management. I don't know. Something is really messed up with me I think. My boyfriend thinks I could use a counselor. But if I see a counselor I probably will not have time for activities besides school. And that would not give me anytime to not think about school-which is what activities do for me. I like that I am doing them. I hope I make Lassos. I am worried that that will take too much time and stress me out even more. We shall see.