Datasets:

jingjietan

/

essays-big5

like 0

0

1

0

1

1

11

I hope I am doing this write! I never really used the internet before and it took me forever to try and figure out how to log on. I feel better now that I am actually doing this, I thought I wouldn't figure it out in time then I would get a zero and bring my grade down. I am a freshman and I really want to do good. I hope my roommate isn't wandering where I am. We were supposed to do laundry after my class which was your class and ended at5. I was glad it wasn't raining when I got out because I didn't bring my umbrella. I am kind of upset that I couldn't find a smaller one than the huge one I brought. I don't want to look like a dork. I miss my boyfriend he is in San Antonio where I am from. I wish he would've gotten in to UT like me. It would have been so much fun being here with him without parents always watching over us. My time on this machine expires in ten minutes and it doesn't seem like enough time but it was almost twenty minutes that I have been typing maybe a few minutes less but it took me a while to figure out how to get here anyway. I not a very fast typer so I hope I have written enough and about the write topic that is whatever I am thinking. Well thank god I am almost done I only have one more minute so I have to push the submit button before it cuts me off. Bye.

1

1

1

0

0

28

The light above my computer is shining so brightly onto the screen. The bright light, almost blinding as I try not to look straight into it. My mind works rapidly as I am trying to focus on my thoughts. Whenever I actually try to think of something my head seems to go blank and I can think of nothing. I guess I don't really think of nothing because the brain is working all the time. There is always some sort of idea or made up story in my head. When I am alone, such as when I walk to class I always daydream about fictional stories or ideal occurrences that I would want to happen in my life. Then I worry that since I thought of it, it would never actually happen like that. I do not believe we can predict the future. Unless dreams are a prediction. Usually my dreams predict nothing and just are a picture in my head of the things I have been thinking about most often. Sometimes they are ridiculous and make absolutely no sense but that could be our imaginations working. I don't seem to get very much sleep. I wonder if that is bad because I am not resting enough and do not have as many chances to dream. I think dreaming is healthy and so much fun when you have a good, inspirational one. Our minds our so interesting. Why do they work the way they do? Will this question ever be answered? Why are people the way they are? It is so interesting to analyze people and their actions but many times I cannot comprehend why they think and act the way they do. Such as when they focus on all the unimportant aspects of life that really have no meaning. It is so special when I can actually find a person that I have a good conversation with. I left all my friends like that and am searching for those people here in Austin. They have to be somewhere, considering there are thousands of people here. Those conversations that leave you feeling in the best mood with a huge smile on your face are the best ones. When you've realized you've shared something amazing with that person or when you were just able to really understand what each other were thinking. Those are the people that leave an impact in my life. Those are the people that moved far away from me and are only reachable by a long distance phone call. These amazing friends are irreplaceable and I am only hoping to find people that come close the type of people I have known. This was something I was kind of worried about when I came here. Would I be drawn into the bubble of people's lives that move in a cycle with no positive direction at all as to who they are going be? Will I be strong enough to keep my attitude, hopes, and feelings about the person I am or want to be? I have found direction, the getting there is the problem. I am actually listening to the song Patience right now and I think it has a good message. This song makes me sad every time I listen to it. It is tied to such strong memories and now especially because I have left many of the people I love. It is hard when I think about this person. I miss them so and my body aches when I think about not seeing them for such a long time. This is maybe one of the hardest parts about college: the fact of moving on and leading a new life with out the people you have loved for so many years. Maybe, but my time is up now, and the rest of my thoughts will only exist in my mind.

0

0

0

0

1

1

Okay, I guess this is what all my English teachers described as "stream of consciousness. " I believe I did an assignment similar to this in 11th grade. I'm not sure. I wonder how long this writing assignment will be. How much can I possibly type for 20 minutes straight without stopping? What if I get a phone call? Do I answer it? Anyways, I cannot believe I am in my second week of college. It is kind of what I expected. The freedom can me nice at times, but I do miss my home. I do not miss high school at all though. I didn't like high school one bit. I am more homesick than I ever thought I would be, or could be for that matter. I never thought of myself as someone who would get homesick. But here I am, always wanting to call home. Michelle's birthday is tomorrow. I wish I could fly down to spend the day with her. I hope mom remembers to give her the CD I made her. The CD reminds me of Justin, whom I also miss a lot. I miss all my friends, all my best friends. One of which is at UTD, one going to Northwestern in a few days, and one attending Texas Women's. I really wish I could transfer, or they would transfer to UT. I miss them all so much. Wow, it has only been 5 minutes. I don't know if I have 20 minutes of gibberish to write about. This stream of consciousness thing is harder than it seems. I know I tend to ramble on a lot but it is quite different when you are doing it for a class assignment. It is also hard for me because I am so used to typing with abbreviations every time I chat online, making this assignment a lot more difficult. After completing this, I am going to wait for a phone call from my best friend. Then, meet up with someone at the library, where I hope to get a lot of studying done. I feel like I am so behind in all my classes. I have a lot of reading to do. Senioritis has not gone away, and I have yet to get back into the "homework mode. " That's not good. I really would like to leave here with a high GPA. I know that is what my parents would really like. Yet, it seems harder and harder as days go by. There are so many things to do here that it seems harder to organize my week. I am usually a very organized person but haven't been as of late. Man, I wonder if Iris is going to call me anytime soon. I feel like I haven't talked to her in forever. I would really like to fly down and stay with her for a weekend. I'm thinking about the weekend of her birthday. Though, I'm not sure if that is a good idea. I need to get the money together first. Oh yeah, I also need to get some money for Lisa's birthday gift. It's her birthday tomorrow. Wow, I wish my friends would chip in money and buy me a camera. That's really neat that Ivy is doing that. I'm so glad I finally got my camera fixed. Stupid battery. How does a battery die out so quickly? I haven't even had my camera for that long. I put up my collages today before lunch. They look really nice on my wall. I think I put them up crooked though. Oh well, I will get used to it, I hope. I would really like to fill up my whole wall with it. That would be so neat! Okay, 6 more minutes. Man, I haven't typed this much in a long time. My eyes are starting to hurt now, and I still have a headache. Today is Monday. Tomorrow is Tuesday. Tomorrow is going to be a very busy day, from beginning to end. I will probably be dead tired by the end of the day and won't have enough energy to study. That will not be good. I want to watch TV. I wonder what is on right now. Lisa said she was going to watch friends and then Roswell. All right, now I am running out of things to type. I don't think my brain works very fast. These last few minutes are going by very slowly. I hope I don't get hungry tonight at the library. I cannot believe I ate so much today at lunch. It is all Leeting's fault. All that starch cannot be good for me. I really hope I do not gain a lot of weight while in college. I'm really scared that I will. I haven't been going to the gym as often as I would like. I think I might start going every Friday or so. Maybe on the weekends too, seeing as how I haven't been in Austin for the weekend since school started. Maybe that is why I still have not put together a regular schedule. I haven't really been here for a full week. Well, this will be my first full week in college. Not as exciting as I thought it would be. I think I might call home after I finish this assignment. I'm almost done, thank goodness. I really am running out of things to type. I think I am all drained out. I hope I do not fall asleep studying tonight. I really need to get stuff done.

1

1

0

1

1

27

I'm sitting here, listening to the hum of the air conditioner outside my window, on my balcony at University towers and I'm wondering the hell it has to be so damn loud. A better question would be why couldn't they attach it to another outside wall that isn't in the middle of my balcony. I've never felt so bittersweet about a single inanimate object in my life. On the one hand, I adore it because I'm from Chicago and am seriously freaked out by the hellish temperatures and hot wind here. If there was no air conditioning and I had to sit in the heat all day like the bums on the streets, which I've noticed an insane amount of, I'd flip out. Why are there so many bums here? I don't really know what to do when I pass them because I feel really really bad and want to help, but it's irrational and not possible for me to guive change to each one of them and then there are the questions like what will they do with the money and why aren't they getting off their asses and getting jobs in the first place. I just don't understand why they are so attached to Austin Texas. True, it's an amazing city, much of the reason I am here attending this school. It has music and culture and so many amazing oppurtunities and natural beatuy with two lakes with serene settings and beautiful stars right near by. It just has the worst heat I've ever experienced and I don't see why the bums won't save their change for a bus ticket and go 300 miles north so they don't sweat to death in the heat because they can't buy water and I'm sure that's not what they'd buy if they could buy anything and I really don't understand how their bodies are still living. Which brings me back to my air conditioner which is still humming. It completely ruins the balcony. There is no other place I'd rather sit and have a nice conversation on the phone with my girlfriend at night when it's cooler out or just hang out and smoke and talk with my buddies or some girl I'm trying to hit on than the balcony with an incredible view, but it is completely inhabitable because of this airconditioner and the pigeons and their crap all over it and I sometimes wonder how they fly so high up here because they always look fat and out of shape to me. I think pigeons remind me of chickens or something and that they shouldnt be able to fly. I can't really say why, but it is definitely weird to me that they can make it all the way up here. The Tv's on, we just got digital cable and it's pretty slick except for my dick head roomate is too big of a loser that he can't get any real girls and is forcing us to pay an extra 15 dollars a month for the playboy channel which is completely worthless because all they show is tits and it's soft core. True the girls are prettier, but is it really worth it? I think not. He's a bastard. All he does is sit on the first seat of the couch and flip through the channels all day only to pause on an infomercial and watch that for a half an hour. The kid doesn't move, he's a;ways there and he just sits there and eats food which he has purchased none of and say over and over again no matter what the conversation at hand is, no man, but it's cool, it's cool. The only time he's not sitting there bothering me when I bring a girl back late at night and making a fool out of himself and annoying the shit out of us is when he comes back drunk at 3 on a week night and decides he's going to study the one night that I decide to try and get some real sleep. There are 3 rooms in my apartment and he chooses the one with my bed in it, which I am currently occupying and sleeping in order to turn on the lights and sign on the internet and read a book. When I inquired why he was doing this and let him know that I actually was trying to sleep at the time his only respeonse was, No, it's cool man, it's cool, I won't keep you up. As if it's completely normal to sleep with blinding lights on. The time is up and though I wish I could go on, which I easily could, I'd like to say one last time that my roomate's retarded and so are the bums and thank you for listening, Gentle Creek OUT!

1

0

1

1

0

22

I am so glad I didn't go to work today, this gives me ample time to do this writing assignment Sleeping in is not always good but today it worked out perfectly I am so damn tired from working out yesterday I think my arms are going to fall to the floor today I wonder if that girl in the red sports bra knew I was checking her out I can't wait until this weekend I'm going out and someone is going to have to carry me in the dorm room I really miss my exgirlfriend back home I think I just need to find me a temporary just to have a little fun so I won't miss her so much Last night I got some really good sleep but not enough homework got done I really need to go to church this weekend I feel a sense of being lost when I don't I think it keeps me holy as well Mom is going to be real disappointed in me if I don't keep up the daily routine on Sundays I really wish God would have blessed me with the skill of being able to type faster so that I could jot down more thoughts in twenty minutes Damn it is 12:10 and I am so hungry Some Christians on Campus just stopped by and they have just made me put a ten minute gap in my thoughts because I had to sit and talk to them Maybe I'll got to one of their little functions sounds like a lot of fun to do Jester food has been real heavy on my stomach lately I hope it doesn't make me sick The other night I had a weird dream I dreamt that I pierced my own tongue I grabbed a long needle and stuck it through my tongue and stuck a barbell piercing through it It was so real that when I woke up I thought I really had my tongue pierced But I wasn't scared or worried that I had I was actually a little excited Which makes me wonder if maybe I should get my tongue pierced It's not really my style but I think the ladies might like it I am really mad that I haven't gotten a paycheck yet I am too broke to have any fun you just can't go to college without any money. The only thing that is keeping me afloat is the loan money I got for the semester. It's a lot of money but I want to save little What the hell am I supposed to do when I need to go to WalMart to get some Hotpockets or some bottled water The water here in Austin is so nasty. That is definitely one thing that I miss about home is the good well water we had I was so good Twenty minutes has to be coming up soon. oh look, hey there all done, (a rush of happiness) and now I am thinking all of these unholy thoughts that I don't have to type Goodbye

0

1

1

0

1

13

Being at cllege is a new experience for me and I think that it is giving me a sence of being dependant on myself. I like all the new freedom that I have gotten, but I also am homesick a lot. I miss my parents and being in my house in Houston. There isn't anyone to make sure that I do everything that I am supposed to do. I am a person that does not get stressed out a lot, ut now that I am in college and having to take care of everything on my own, I am getting worried and that is gettting me scared. I have a lot of thing s that I need to get accomplished and don't have time for it. It makes me very frustrated and annoyed at the same time. I feel like I should be a lot more organized and up to date with everything. I am a very organized person, even a "neat feak," and that is why it's driving me crazy when I am behind. I think that if I work hard, then I will do alright. Last weekend, I went home and visited my friends and family and it felt so good to be home. I was able to go driving around and I knew where everything was, and that feeling of being in control was great. think that I just need time to settle into UT, and then I will be in more control. Austin is never going to be "home" for me, but it will be a place that I can come to enjoy. I don't think that any city can compare to Houston because that is where I grew up and that's also where I have all of my family and friends. Sometimes I think about how life would be like if I was adopted or even if one or both of my parents were dead. I look back and don't think that I could manage. My parents play a very important role in my life and I don't think that I would be the same person that I am without them. I know a lot of people that have parents that have passed away and they have really gone through some rough times and they are doing well now, and I give them so much strenght and poer for being able to do that. If my mother would pass on, I think that I would really go into a state of depression, and would go trough a transformation, in that I would become very quiet when usually I am very outgoing and lively. Many things don't affect me unless they are very close and dear to my heart. I usually don't cry in movies, and I don't care to become very emotional all the time. I have too much pride to cry infront of people other than my family. No matter how depressing the news, I am unable to show my emotions. That is something that I think that I get from my parents, specifically my mother. I think that I have gotten a lot of my qualities from my mother and most of my physical qualities from my father. I think that I am able to be the person that I am because of my parents. They helped shape me into the person that I am. There are friends that I have been close to in high school, and ever since I have come to UT, I have not been as close to. I don't know the reason for the change, other than the fact that our schedules are conflicting and that we have not tried as hard to keep in touch. I have heard that things like this happen and that you make all of your really good friends in college. I know what people say, but I have a really good friend at Trinity and me and her have keep in touch really well. I think that she is an exception to the "rule. "

1

1

1

0

0

28

this writing assignment is very interesting. it is strange how it is somewhat difficult to simply write whatever I am thinking. sometimes it is hard to tell. I really need to catch up on some of my homework. I also need to find a job. high school was so much different than college is. that isn't necessarily a bad thing. just different. I like living in Austin. there is much more to do than there is in a town of under 300 people. I am hungry. where should I eat lunch today. my parents are coming down this weekend. I think I'll leave. to many people in a little apartment. I don't really think I could handle it. I got a cat. well a kitten actually. to keep my company. it whines a lot. and likes to crawl up my leg. I haven't really talked to that many people from back home since I have been here. but that doesn't really bother me. I need new people. meeting people here is harder than I thought it would be. I figured since this is a huge campus that it would be easy and just kind of happen. but it turns out I think I might actually have to make an effort to meet new people. I really need to find a job. hopefully on-campus. that would be great. I am looking forward to psychology class today. it is interesting. I want to learn how people think. because I wish I knew a lot of the time. but I don't really think that is something you can learn. because everyone's mind works differently, so how can you learn how people think if it not the same with any one person? how can you know the emotions and thoughts of the people around you? I have a hard time knowing the thoughts and emotions of my closest friends. and even myself at times. the mind is so complex. I have thought about majoring in psychology. I just wish I had some clue as to what I want to do with my life. it's like I am here, in college, finally, and I have no idea what to do with it. I guess I will figure it out. I just get tired of waiting for that sudden thought to just pop into my head and me know that is what I want to do for the rest of my life. that's a long time. I want to do something I enjoy. somewhere where I will be happy. but I guess that is what everybody wants. but why do some people find that, and not others. what makes the lucky ones different. I guess if everyone did what the wanted then there would be nobody to do the dirty work. but it just seems unfair that some have it so could. and some can never find that place where they feel content. does that place really exist? I think so. I don't think I have quite found it though. I think I will though. maybe I'll be one of those lucky ones. I miss Jason. is this going to work? do I want it to? I do but there are so many things to experience here. will it change me? he thinks so. but I don't know. maybe it will. maybe it should. but where does that leave us? is there an us? I have no idea how to handle that situation. my parents are going crazy. they miss me so much. I miss them, but am relieved to not be in there household anymore. I needed some freedom. I need to learn to live on my own. I really don't want a job though. it will be hard to balance work and school and homework. but I need to money. I guess I have to eat and pay rent. I am really getting hungry. I am not really that tired considering I got up at 7 this morning. surprising. I haven't even taken a nap. I don't think I will. I rode the shuttle from my apartment this morning. I usually drive. but I can't afford to pay $7 everyday. it wasn't that bad. but I didn't really know where it was going to take me. but I made it to class on time. and didn't have to walk that far. I just hope I am able to catch it this afternoon. I think I know where it will pick me up. but I don't know what time it runs really. and how late it runs. but I should be done here around 5. cause I have a class from 3:30 till 5. I really need to go to the gym. I think I am going to talk some dance classes. that sounds like fun. and I bet it will help me meet more people. I need to talk to Jason. let him know I care and that I think about him a lot. I know he worries. I worry to. I need to quit stressing about everything so much. I worry myself to much. I guess that is human nature though. who knows what human nature really is. maybe that is just an excuse for the way we act. I know I use it as an excuse at times. that's kind of sad. but I guess everyone probably does. wow my times almost up. that didn't seem like 20 minutes. when you just start letting your thoughts go I guess time goes by pretty quickly. I think I might take a nap. but I have more homework that needs to be done. dang there is so much reading. I get tired

1

1

1

1

1

31

Ever since I can remember, I have always had my friends. There's my best friend, Lisa, and then my other best friends Lindsey and Lexie. Ever since I was a baby, we have always been friends. We have all gone to school together and now we are all attending the same college. Before I found out I had gotten a scholarship to UT, I had been planning to go to Texas A&M. Me and Lisa would go to A&M and Lindsey and Lex would go to UT. Just thinking about splitting up for the first time in our entire lives can still make tears come to my eyes. NOw I will never know how it would have been. Sometimes I do wonder how it would have been and sometimes I don't care because I'm so happy to still be with them. I realize that they are such a great part of me and my life. We all know each other so well. There is hardly nothing about them that I don't know and there is nothing about me that they don't know. To even say that they are my best friends does not express how much they mean to me. They are more than just friends. I don't know why, but somtimes I can't help but think about how lucky I am to have them. And at the same time, I know I take them for granted. I know that if I ever need anything, anything at all, that I can go to them and they will help me in a way that no one else can. I once heard this poem that simply explains my relationship with my friends. The poem may not be word for word, but I hope it is can better describe just how much I love my friends. First there was one. Then there was two. You came along and then there was three. A circle of friends, no beginning, no end.

1

0

0

0

1

17

I am writing my first assignment for psychology 301. I am in my room right now. I like my room. I live in Dobie. I live on the 23rd floor. I hate waiting on the elevator. It takes too long. I don't feel like using punctuation or capitalization. I don't have to becasue you told us not to worry about it. I don't even have to worry about spelling either. I'm just typing away. my roommate just passed gas, broke wind, but I do not smell it. yet. My roommate is calling his parents. he left a message. he is going back to houston this weekend for a funeral service for one of his school friends. 2 people died from my school shortly after graduation. it is really sad. I knew one of them. I didnt like him too much because he was annoying, but now I feel bad. he would have left for the navy 2 weeks after that. anyways, my roommate is playing music from his computer, it is really loud, it is an old song, I have no clue what it is. now its playing snoop doggy dogg, it is really old. it is 10:35, I have been typing for 10 minutes now. my suite mates are studying, or attempting to study. we just finished watching MTV music awards. it was really cool. I have never watched so much cable before since my family never ever had cable before. so I watch it all the time. my speaker is right in front of my face. I am trying to type without looking at tke keyboard. I am doing okay, but it is pretty hard. my girl friend os tired. her name is christina. shes looking at my computer screen. she is funny. and very pretty. my side of the room is pretty messy. I need to clean it up. I need to get some book shelves for my books and other items. it is almost friday, I can't wait. today is september 9, 1999. also known as, 9/9/99. people said that bad things are going happen today. but nothing has happened yet, except. one of my suite mates failed his calculus quiz. I just finished my math homework. I am pround of myself. yea! um. anyways. who is going to read this? professor pennebaker? or patrick? oh crap! I forgot to go to SI today. crap crap! I went last week. a lot of people were there. people even sat outside in the hallway. are we going to get a bigger classroom? ethernet is nice. it goes really fast. but not fast enough for $30 a month. what a rip off! my parents already pay a lot for the dorm, and we still have to get over charged for a phone line and ethernet. its not even that fast either. okay, my time is up here. it was fun writing this.

1

1

0

1

0

26

Is there a reason? These questions have been filling my mind often lately. When I talk to my friends about it they say that they have the same problem. Is this a problem that every young man encounters? It kin of scary because maybe I'll never find out. Also, can I ever be satisfied. Whenever I gain something I find my self always wanting more. I am incomplete. I have pushed many limits and yet have found no real answers. Some say a man with out a purpose will drive himself insane. Maybe , a man with all the answers has no purpose.

0

1

0

0

1

9

September 4, 1997 I am not too sure what to write about. I am hungry right now. I have anorexia nervosa, so I not only am constantly thinking about food, I also won't allow myself to eat it when I want it. I am actually in the recovery stages right now. I have been battling this for two years now, have been in the hospital twice, and have had therapy involving nutritional counseling, psychiatry, and group therapy. The only treatment left for someone in my position is to go to long-term therapy. That treatment would be out of state (in Arizona) and would last at least 60 days. It doesn't sound appealing to me at all, but despite the threats that my psychiatrist has faced me with, it still doesn't make it any easier to eat. The battle is all in my head. It is my mind that will not "allow" me to eat when I am hungry, and it is my mind that tells me I don't need to gain weight, that I am not critically underweight, and that I am physically in good shape. The whole thing is very confusing to me. My psychiatrist has shed some light on the whole thing, but still no one can completely explain things like this that involve the mind. I think this class is interesting so far. I have enjoyed reading in the book already because I deal with this stuff on a daily basis. I am constantly battling my mind, and trying to figure out its trickery. My psychiatrist says that this is the best class out of all the ones I am taking this semester. (I think she's a little partial to the subject myself. ) I have to go see her on Tuesday, which is only 5 days away and I am scared half to death. She scares me with her threats to send me to treatment, but like I said, apparently it doesn't scare me enough because it doesn't make it any easier for me to eat. Right now, she has threatened me by saying I will have to go to the treatment center if I haven't gained 15 pounds by a certain date. That date is coming up in two weeks. I have had this agreement with her since the end of June. I am really very scared because I really do not think I have gained near that much. It's strange how I can think about it realistically and know that I am still not eating enough and then my irrational side of my mind will come in and tell me I am fine and don't need to gain. But, as the date comes closer to my appointment, I will start to gradually get more afraid, and get mad at myself for not doing enough. And still, that won't make it any easier to eat a thing. You have to make yourself feel totally like crap if you are going to get over an eating disorder. You won't want to do it, you'll feel incredibly anxious and angry with yourself for letting yourself go. I have experienced this a few times ( like in the hospital), but I haven't been able to do much of this by myself. It seems like it isn't worth it to let yourself feel so bad when you could just avoid the problem and not feel the anxiety. Instead, by ignoring it, you get to feel hungry, tired, irritable, you get to think about food all the time because of your low body weight, you make your family freak out, you risk losing your car and your opportunity to go to college. It seems that the negatives of not eating strongly outweigh the positives of not eaten, and I can logically see that. My mind is just totally screwed up, which the doctors say will get better when my weight and body fat percentage increase. I hope I will make it to the point soon. It's just all too confusing to explain. I am sure everyone thinks I am crazy, but you just can't explain to someone how you feel. I wish there was a cure or some more insight to it. I am interested in what this class has to say about things like this. Maybe I'll get some more insight into it (if that is possible since I live it!)

1

1

0

0

1

25

what am I thinking about don't got the foggest clue. looking to see how long I have to write for and what I am going to write about. thinking about a wonderful girl that I wish to be close to just wondering if she wants the smae or if I want to see other people. I do miss having my sister in the same city as me she really has meant a lot to me in the past few years and I do wish she was here. but then again I am loving all of my freedom here. have not talked to my mom in a few days and I like it she is not hounding me to do anything. niether is my grandmother. wonder why kellys dad wanted to talk to me. do miss kelly a little but hopefully we can still be friends wonder what nicole is doing right now. this is the third time I tried to write but the other tow trys I go restless and stop writing. really did not know what to say but now I am just hoping it is not to late for these writing assignments. always seem to wait till the last minute. I cna hear thoughts in my mind but don't know how to put them into words. or which one should I write about first. lunch was good and now I am feeling better because I got something to eat. don't want to work anymmore at eddie bauer because I don't like it anymore and I don't want to work there because I may have something better to do and plus I hope I can find someone to work for me tomarrow so I can go to the training session to be an offical for intermural football. hope my family is doing ok have not heard from them lately. still have ten minutes to write. my mind is completly blank I keep thinking about this book we read last year in english it was written in stream of thought. hope the professer got my email about the brain test to see if a person is right or left brained. nose itches. relly wish we did not have to do this. or at least not for so long. ok sitting like this is not the easiet ok that is better. morrre comfortable. hope miriam can go this weekend to george carlin have not talked to her in a week and hope everything is going good with her. my neighbors are wierd they play some stange fucked up music. hope I do good on my quiz tommarow I need to study and catch up on my readings. need to know when my calculus test is. and my eco. test. hope the pysc test is not soon. really need to catch up on some reading. hope nicold can everything taken care of so she is not so stressed out. I love spending time with her she is so wonderfull. I think I may love her but then again I still have a wondering eye. I want to meet nwe people and who know the right woman may be out ther but right now I think she is the one. ok good time is up.

1

1

1

1

0

30

ok I am starting writhing. I really don't know hat to right about but I will give it my best shot. I am going home today pretty excited about that. but in some ways I am not because I don't want to put up with my family. I am feeling a little bit guilty now for saying that because they are only trying to help me out. I like the way the sun shines through my window in my room. I am really happy to be here at university of texas. it is hard to write for a long period of time about nothing. I feel like I am writing in a journal or something. it is really quite today on my floor usually it would be extra loud because it is Friday. I am really excited to be in the longhorn band. it has been a really good experience so far and I hope it continues. I have meet some really great people and I hope that this friendship will continue for a lifetime. I saw one of my best friends sisters today and I was really surprised. for one I wouldn't think that she would talk to me but she did. I hope to see her again soon. I really need to get packed up to go home. I need to go get fitted for my uniform in band too. I took the pretesting this morning I never would have thought it would have taken so long. and it repeated the same questions over and over. it was really annoying

1

0

0

1

1

19

Free asscia-association. My friend and I have a game that we play on instant messenger with free association. it's fun. My nose is cold, this dorm is always cold except for that one time- where it was hot after I had walked in from already being hot in this hellish austin climate. I'm listening to john coltrane. my friend bought me this cd. it's really hard to not press backspace when I misspell a word. um. i like the music I'm listening to but it's kind of a bad recording. a girl down the haa, syd and I were taling about britney spears the pop singer tonight. I was concerned about how she's making pre-teen girls want to change thiere bodies since she got a boob job and since seh she's an pop idol- it's okay to get one or something. I was never happy with my size when I was little, but I just don't think that she should have gotten one. it's not that important. um,. 20 minutes>? I have all of 16 more to go. I'll stop at 2:20. I went to my first frat party last night. that was a trip and a half. there were several people from my high school and one girl from my ex-boy's college(baylor) and I don't like her much, becuase I don't know what kind of relationship they had. that boy. jesus christ. that bastard. well, it's okay I talktd to him f on the phone for a while today for the rfirst time in -well, since I got here. we erewere really close over the summer. he was smoking pot when I called. I called becuase last night after the party I came home an dwhen I checked my email, I recieved amn emial fronmm some guy named richard _will I print this out?- he has a n address similar rto my ex's an di've been sending emial to the wrong guy. so I emailed him back event though I didn't knowhim and explained to him what had happened. then I got a respncse today from him and I mailed m him again. I relly like my computer. I t upset someone , thoiugh. , I went out with a guy that I met becuase he built my computer, he told me I that he loved me after 1 weel and I (week) got scared. I hate most men now. but that's okay. hating boys is what made the frat party so fun last night. I danced with a boy for about a minute and then dropped him - just like that and walked back to my grlfriends, laughing. ewe walked home last night- right past some cops-we also made friends with the bouncer. he told us a joke to see if we;d been dringing. I thought he was great. well, I son't know what else to say. my fingers are cold my nose itches and my hair is in my face. syd said that someone's talking about you when your nose itches. I always though taht when your necklace was on wrong someone was thinkg og of yu. I have a stuffed animalk. she's the super adventure team mascot. esta eric and adnrew and me. we had so much fun. ruby was the mascot. jojos, photograh, high speed, gun. I meanyt fun, but it came out gun, I haven't been looking at the screen becuase I am not very good at typing like that. I'm starting at my fingers and io know when I mess up, still, but I'm not fixing it. I was a little at the beginning out of habit- ani di franco has a sog called out of habit. "you know, art is why I get up in the morning, but my defif\nition ends there, it soesn't seem fair that I;'m living for something I can't even tdefine,. and there you are right there in the mean time, wekll I don't want to play for you anymore. Show me what you can do. Tell me what are you here fo. I wasnt my own time I wasm my old friens, I want my f\old face, I wasnt my own mind. Fuck this time and place. I like that sone. it's a favorite, I only have 3 minutes left. I wanted to do this when I had full concentration adn preferably not a roommate bugging me. she went home for the weekwnd. she wasnted me to go with her. she talks in her slepep, and it 's really funny, but I try not to laugh becuase I'll wake her up. I'm worried about my friend breda, I miss her. I worry about Emie and Esta too. I love thenm. I have on e more minute. Maybe I'll have a tic tac when this is all over. I need to go to the HRC tomorrow for art history I need to sugn up for experinments, too. I'm not going to sign that health form, though. I don't know if I want to give access to my health records like that. I have nothing to hide, I'm just not comfortable with it. I have cramps now. an dmy time is up, so bye.

0

0

1

0

1

5

That's what I thought, so I got very angry when earlier today they wouldn't sell me cigarettes just because my driver's license was expired. Then, they wouldn't sell them to my friend because they said that they knew that she was going to give them to me. It is ridiculous!!! I am eighteen even if my driver's license is expired. Just because in the last two months I haven't had two hours to go and get it renewed, they're going to punish me by not letting me buy my nicotine. Some rules just make me so mad I could scream. Why would they do such stupid things? I'm confused because I think that I'm afraid to audition for any of the plays here at UT because I'm afraid of failure, of not getting the part. My major is theatre arts and I hope to be an actress someday, and not one of those cheesy ladies on soaps. I want to be in movies and plays and be recognized and have money. I love acting and I've been doing it for so long and I never audition except for when I have to because I think maybe unconsciously, I feel less talented and afraid when they shake their heads at me.

0

1

0

1

0

10

RIght now I'm thinking about not that much. I'm actaulyl ratehr relaxed. I'm thinking about how I miss my boyfirend, even though he is jsut on the otehr side of the room. It's one of those thigns where you're just really happy about a person and you can't stop thinking about them. He's just sitting there playing a video game and I'm really excited, but yet I still miss him and think about him. It's a rather cool feeling. I'm also thinking about my writting assingment in my rhetoric class. I've been trying to find stuff for it all day, and it's driving me crazy,a nd I still have more homework to do for it later, so that is still on my mind. I'm thinking also that I want to listen to music. Music relaxes me a lot, and I really enjoy listening to it will I'm doing mindless things. I enjoy it at other times too. I'm also craving sweets a lot. I'm addicted to them, so that's not really that unusual. I'm trying to rmemeber where a resturatnt is in Houston. Prior to this I read an email from my mother telling me about wehre her and my father ate for their 30th weding anneversary, but I couoldn't really htink of where it is. I'm also trying to think about waht kind of food htey sereve. Earlier in teh day I watched hte first half of hte TExns game, so I'm also wondering if they won or not. My sister is also awayu at college, we're twins, and I'm wondering if any day things willl get better. It's the first time we've been apart and she's having a miserable time, so I'm wondering constantly how she's doing,a nd what I can do to make it better for her. Randomly I also think about my parents. I just read an email from one of htem, so taht's why they are currently on my mind. Normally I wouldn't miss them, but my dad had a heart attack a few days before I moved up here, so I think about him a lot more htat I probably would. My email from my mom realated to how they're eating, so that got me thinking on that. I'm also thinking about my math class. I have homework to do in tehre later tonight. I really don't like the calss. It's riddle math, so I spend my time wondering about how I'm going to get thropugh there. Currently I m trying to think of how to jsut get through my homework, muchless my tests. THer are no equations, so it drives me crazy. I really don't want to even look at my homework. It's about the only homework I've procratinated on since I ve been here. I'm also wondering what is wrong with me in my current medical condition. I have dizzyness problems, and I'm trying ot think of a time when I can see a doctor. My sister is having them now too, so it's on my mind a lot more. Now I'm starting to feel stressed. Usually I don't feel stressed, but then again I usually don't write out things that have been flowing through my mind. I'm wondering if I can think of things to talk about for twenty minutes. It's actually somewhat hard given that it's only me talking, well typing and there is no one or anything to converse with on the other end. I'm also trying to figure out when I'll have time to get my boyfriends birthday gift. I've spent all day, and all week,a nd the past montsh trying to figure it out. But now m going to go to a store tommorrow to finally get something. But I'm worrying about if the store will actually have somethign that I can get. I've never been to this store, but at 5 tommorrow I will find out about the stuff int ehre. According to my firned she says that I'll be able to find stuff there. Hopefully I will, otehrewise I'll have to rushdeliver something here, and that cost extra money,a nd I'm constantly worrying about money. I am botehrd especially when I have to pay for unneccessary things. Which the extra shipping cost would fall into that category. I'm also thinking about what position I would like to run for. Earlier today I went to an RHA meeting. Unfortuantly I missed the first half, so I didn't get all the information. I'm thinking about being something for my wing, which is good if I want to be an RA next year. THe other positions seem like high positions where I would have to campaign a lot, and I m not that type of person. I'm still worrying somewhat about if I would have to campaign for my wing thing. I really would preffer to do that, I just hope I don't lose to someone who just casually felt like running for it, and wasn't as into it as me. Kind of like the girls who I think of who voted not to keep the bathroom door unlocked. THose eveil people. Everytime I go to the bathroom, I really hate them, and wish they weren't so casual about their voting no. Everyone had to vote yes, otherwise it would remain unlocked. Rather unfair. But I really get annoyed even when I see them. I've been sitting in front of htis computer too long today doing school work. I m actaully quite frustrated with the internet. I needed to find a very simple thing, but yet the search engines would not co-operate and gave me horrible feedback for the sites. THe noise of hte video game in the background is rather interesting. I'm not much into video games, unless I get to shoot something, but I still wonder what's going on over there. Or how guys are entrigued for hours by a simple mouse or control set. The same screen, all day long. I've wondered if it actually fries people's brains when they play. Or if it interferes with their education, as in if they played video games their whole childhood. The noises on the video game are starting to remind me of hte noises that my boyfriend makes. I'm wondering howmuch time the wing representative will take. Supposedly it's only one hour, but I wonder if there's something hidden in tehre. I'm not sure if I'll be able to manage that, flag football, with practices nad games, and a soccer team with my floor. I'm not sure how to tell my best friend if I dont' want to play. I do want to play, I just don't know if I'll have the time. But I also wnat to meet peoiple on my floor and spend time with my best friend. So that is a rather hard argument. Why does life have so many conflicting htings, and not enough hours in teh day. I want to just expand time, and do everythign I want, and stop rushing through it and

0

1

1

0

1

13

Trying to decide what to eat for dinner is complicated, especially when people don't answer the question. When you ask someone "What do you want to eat?" most likely they will say, "I don't know what do you want?" Well, if I did know what I wanted to eat, I wouldn't have asked you. It is a simple question with a simple answer. Right now I just asked my boyfriend what he wanted for dinner and his response was, "I don't know whatever you want". Well, that's why I asked you, I don't know what I want to eat, that's why I asked you. I guess that I wanted him to make the decision for me. I honestly don't know what I want to eat. It's a simple question and it's up to my stomach and brain to make that decision, but I'm asking someone to make this important decision for me. Does this mean that I'm lazy because I want someone else to make a decision that I can only make for myself. Maybe I'm not lazy; maybe it's just I want someone to help me make that decision. That seems logical, a person can't be lazy simply because he or she doesn't want to make a decision for themselves.

0

1

0

1

0

10

After I finish this paper I'm going to go work out, then get something to eat at Jester Center. I need to get back in shape. I feel better. Then I'll finish reading from my Zen book and economics book. I hope I am not taking the same economics class I did last year at CCCC. That is going to be a big waste if it is. I can't wait to go home on Friday to see my friends and family. It's not all what is cracked up to be down here. Dallas is so much better. It bigger, better stuff to do. I just like that environment. It's ok down here. I really have not met many people. Just my roommate and a few in my dorm. Oh yeah, I almost forgot that I met a very friendly and pretty girl named Tanya today. She lives in 407 of the Towers. She told me to come by. I'm debating on going over there or not. I'm sure Brandi wouldn't like it. Obviously since we are not doing so good right now. I just don't know what to do with her. I feel like if I break up with her it is going to be a mistake. I don't know what I feel. I'm lost. I don't feel like I have the freedom to do what I want to do. Sometimes I just feel like I'm better of with out her. She would be crushed if I broke up with her since it would be like the 10th time. I feel like there is just something else out there better for me, but I never tell her that. The sight of seeing her hurt and crying makes me feel so guilty and sad. I feel so sorry for her. I lie to her all the time about my true feelings because they are so mixed right now. I feel like I'll be lost with out her, but that might be just because I was with her for so long. I am getting pretty hungry right now, but I need to work out first. There are a lot of fine girls that work out. Sometimes I wish I could hook up with one of them. Tomorrow night might be fun. I only have one class, thank god. I hate Tuesday's and Thursday's. Three classes from 812 is forever. Actually I just hate my Cal class. I can't stand sitting in those chairs they are so uncomfortable. Just two more days until I leave. I 'm getting pretty anxious about it. I can't sleep very much at night. I don't fall asleep until 2 or 3. Then I wake up very tired. I can't wait to back to sleep after classes. But then I feel like I'm pressured for time. If I sleep it takes away the time I have to study, therefore taking away my free time. So its either nap, or play. I hope my tests aren't difficult at least after I have studied well. I have this horrible fear that I am not going to do good and fail out. That is the last thing I want to happen.

1

1

1

1

0

30

What to write. I just missed dinner because I came down here to write this paper. I think that they should make dinner last longer then just till 7:00 at night. That sucks. Last night I requested that they give us a new couch because the one we have now hurts my back. Besides I saw what the new couches looked like and they are pretty cool. They are bright blue, not just plan gray. Grey is so boring. I wonder what I will do tonight. I could stay home and do my homework and sleep, maybe get to see what a good night's sleep feels like. But I will most likely go out and party like I always get suckered into. So the guy situation on campus. Not to bad. The one I’m dating now is a sweetie. But now that I’m dating him it is not as fun anymore. Why is that? The fun part is the challenge of getting the guy but now that I have him I don't want to spend any time with him. I am such a bitch. God, my eyes can't handle looking at a computer screen too long. They get all dried out. We have a Nintendo at our room upstairs, and I sit there for hours and my eyes kill me. Well, not really for hours, just a little exaggeration. My roommates are pretty cool. I like them a lot. Sometimes I feel bad because I don't spend as much time with them as they do together so now they are closer to each other and I kinda feel left out. But I spent my time with my other friends. My best friend Athena who is just down the hall and whom I love so very much. I am so glad that she is here. I would hate it here if she weren't. When I fist got here I was kinda upset that she was on my floor because I wanted my space and my time away from her, but now I love it. It is a perfect set up. I can go and visit her anytime I want and she can come to my room if she likes but I don't feel like hanging with her than I don't have to. How come I can write forever and this screen just keeps scooting over, it makes my feel like I’m not writing that much. Last time I did this I only wrote one line. And the sad thing was I was sitting at the computer for about an hour. I just had people distracting me. I wonder how you check your e-mail. I wonder if Chris wrote me. Chris is such a great guy. I hope he comes down and visits sometime soon. I miss the boy. He is the one guy I regret not ever liking. I had my chance with him and broke his heart, but I guess that's the way life goes. I always go for the loser guys who treat me like shit. Maybe that's why I never like a guy after I finally know he likes me, he is too nice and treats me too well. Doesn't that suck. I thought that the psy. experiment in class was very entertaining. I hope that I do well in this class it is truly an interesting subject. But is seems like I won't be doing well in any of my classes. I don't concentrate enough. I came down here thinking that I was going to get a 4. 0, or at least close to that. But now my study habits have gotten so bad that I don't know what is going to happen to my. I think that I will change my ways and get back on track. I started out exercising every day too, but now I haven't ran in several days. The freshman 15 here I come. Ok that has been 20 min. Hope you had fun analyzing me!

0

0

0

1

0

2

Somehow I just submitted an blank assignment so hopefully this one will submit when it is completed. I should be studying for my first astronomy test right now. Somehow I managed to put it off until the last minute like I did with this writing assignment. I need to break this procrastination problem before I get any further into the semester. I have this problem every fall that I have been in college. In spring I am fine I get everything done ahead of time. I am sure it has nothing to do with fall or spring. I am hoping this fall my grades will be awesome but it is hard adjusting to a new environment. I just transferred to UT after 2 years at the University of North Texas. I have been living here now for almost three weeks. I feel like I'm on vacation or something. While I miss my old apartment and friends, I am very happy to be here at UT. I couldn't get in to UT directly after high school because of my class rank. I didn't really concern myself with school in high school. Suddenly when I started at UNT academics became more important to me and my grades improved. I applied to UT expecting to not get accepted because I had heard horror stories of how hard it is to transfer in. It came as a complete surprise when my parents called and told me I got a letter of acceptance. I instantly decided that I was ready for the move. It never really hit me that I was leaving my friends behind in Denton until now. I think I offended one of my closest friends in Denton because I was so excited about moving and didn't really seem to care that I was leaving. Suddenly two weeks before I moved she decided irrationally that she never wanted to speak to me again. Oh well. I love Austin.

0

0

0

1

1

3

I thought I could cry forever and I wanted to until I feel eased and better. I guess that made me feel at least somewhat better since I don't feel as depressed or sad right now. I saw mo and ricky this morning. mo probably thinks I've gotton weird, edged, or I don't know, just crazy and there's something wrong with me. yeah. there's definitely something wrong with me. I wanted to talk to him so much. I miss him so much when I don't see him and I don't see him as much or at least I don't try as much to see him or hang out with him. before hanging out with him was one of my better comfort or pleasure, but it hurts me now to him. he is, to me, one of my best friend and I care for him a lot. I want the best for him and he doesn't deserve a person like me. I am so confused. I am so depressed. I know that I should talk to people about it but it isn't so easy after all. connie doesn't understand or I know understand her. I tried so hard for her but she seems so insensitive or she is being a jerk on purpose to be insensitive to me. I don't even think she knows what she's doning to me. God please help me to get through this time. I truly believe that only you could help me and pull me through this misery. I miss feeling your awesome love. I feel so lonely. I feel bad but I can't really talk to my mom about this my whole crazy situation. she expects so much out me. she loves me so much that it hurts her so much to see me being like this. but Lord, I really don't know what I can do. I don't think I am capable of doing anything well or at least I don't have any desire to do anything. I thought mom was okay with elementary education and I thought I could do that, but she says, "no, no!" to it. what can I do? I really want to be the daughter my parents want me to be. I really want to be a friend all my other friends want me to be. I really want to be a sister sungmin and sungchan want me to be. but most of all, I really really want to be someone that I want to be that will please everyone and the most of all You. I am so confused. Lord I don't know what to do and this makes me a sad, depressed and unhappy person. I don't have any motivation to do anything and this is so hard because the school has already started. whenever I feel like I want to cry or feel down I want to go to certain people like timmy, steve, mo, betty, connie, mom, and etc. but timmy, as much as I want to go to him, I can't for some reason. instead, I'm so mean to him. I don't mean to be. I hope he knows it. I wonder if he still likes me. I sometimes feel like he does, but I don't think so anymore. guys are so frickle. steve. I want to but I can't depend on him too much because he will be married soon and I shouldn't be near him so much. mo. I want to but you are one of my problems. why can't you be just a friend to me. betty and connie. I shouldn't talk to them so much, in fact, I kind of regret telling them so much about me. I shouldn't have. oh well, they are my friends and I hope they don't ruin my trust on them. well, I feel so much better just writing about everyting or most of the things that bothered me for so long. I guess my 20 minutes are up. maybe things will be better today.

0

0

0

1

1

3

I'm tired but i want to go to sleep. im listening to music that i really like its new but i like it i like country and this isnt country music does something to me i can't explain it it gives me a feeling i can't decide what to do this weekend i really like to drink sweet tea in a nalgene i found it camp i like it there this weekend i can go camping but i don't know if i should go she talks to angels i want to stay in austin and hang out with some friends and i don't want to leave but i think i should go my roommates are gone eating they like to do fraternity stuff im not in a fraternity im not really the type for a frat but i think it would be good for me but i don't agree with some of the stuff that they do i can't really do a fraternity thats how it is im excited about next week i really like friends i like to spend time with people especially people i am close to i really like to just hang out with the guys i got so much sleep the other day and it was great im not tired today and i only slept four hours i don't want to do homework i fear growing up and going to work every day all i want to do is play golf and have a good time listen to music and not worry about responsibility but i don't think that can happen its not real i wish it could happen but it can't but life would be very boring if i did that so in a way i guess its good that i can't do that i like listening to really random music music that no one listens to i try to get people to get to listen to the music i listen to but they don't like it it frustrates me because i think i listen to good music a lot of the people are hypocrites they talk about how christian they are but they are not its almost a lie but who am i to judge i am wrong for that i don't like to eat the food it towers but i have to because i don't have enough money i wish i did though i really like to eat good food that is one of the only nice things that i like my shorts came in today and they were wrong i exchanged them it frustrated me i really want to play golf i havent played in a while and i want to play i want to get good really good i want to go back to camp it is fun there that is where many of my friends are from my room is messy and i need to clean it up but im just too lazy what am i going to do about this weekend i need to call austin i need to figure out who i am going to hang out with in college i need to find my group of friends i think that i have my group but i don't know if it is right for me i like this song it does something for me something intangible something awesome i can't explain it but it rules my high school friends did frats but i am the only one who didnt i wonder what that means i guess that i am different i know why but i wonder if they do they don't seem to understand my ways i different and i wish everyone would understand it but i don't know what to do i wish everyone could just figure it out we are all the same and different i don't like my schedule it sucks straight up i hate the smell of towers but i love sweet tea and golf making tea is awesome it gives me something to do and i like making it for other people i would like others to think that i am a good guy i don't know if that is good or bad i think i should be nice just for being nice but i want people to think that i am a nice guy i can't help it its just the way that i am and i guess that we all are I sometimes think that i like movie soundtracks they are good i like sweet tea its good my roommate doesnt like my music i like to play guitar its good ill brave your heart swiss watch bagpipes things like that nalgene bottle music rocks i need a new car but i don't know if i will get one whistling to music a texas hat and abercrombie shirt a chief perhaps my roommant tank he is gay according to my roommate i overuse that word chief but its a good word my roommate is acting like a chief he calls me a chief for calling people chiefs bob dylan rules but myy roommate is a chief for not liking him i want to play guitar but it is out of tune

1

1

1

1

1

31

WEll here I am writing for the psyc class assign. I really want to go work out but I know the gym is full. I type way to slowly. what to write next:? Don't edit emily just type. wonder when I should call anne. it is sort of cold in here my fingers are cold too/ twenty minutes is going to last forever/ tinight I can't decide whetere or not go in or go to a party. I am super tired, yet I still want to have fun. I hope I get into the spanish class I have been reaarrranging my whole entire livfe around. how much moeny could I spend if I went to the mall tonight? I need an answering machine badly and some clothes would be SO helpful. but who has money to spend now? when should I make my last bank transaction since I only get three times a month. I already spent over a thousand doolars this week alone,,, I am not going to survive at this reate. io wonider how matthew and benji are doing. I miss them a lot. that what was I just thinking avout? font bvack treack. just type emily////I need to takre anap. this is really hard to do with our going back and checking my grammmar, I wonder if I will bmeet any cute guts this weeeken? I really want to meey some fun people/ I wonder if kreistie really likes me or I f she is just being niece. i have the feeling that she is hust being nice or fake or something. i wsh the people next to me would shut up because I can't concentrate how many more mi cutes of this??? I can't take it any longer!!!I need to get out of here , I have got to teread for psycholothy hthis weekendnl/ I wish I was a better typist. my mind is in such a blur right now it is hard to think I need to weigh my fat self my fingers are still vold. hope Annika gets my computer goingthrough her friend. what if she forgot? SHUT UP people next to me!! I cannnnt think straight//they are so clueless but taht is ok I was clueless at one time toomy arm is sore from carrying all those books yesterday. what is the deatl with all the drinking/ what is Eudora? I need to go take a nap btu Anne wants to go shopping, decisioins deciosions. hmmm tex hopefully willgive me a class this weekend, I need spanish SOOOOO badly Lord. Lord help me! My eyes are hurting gfom looking ar this computer don't correct mistakes keep going emily ten m ore minutes lieft. the nnotevbboooks at the store for lefties are cool/ I can't type fast enough to keep track off my thoughts! by the time I write one down, ten new ones have altreagy passed . stream of concoiuoseness reaminds me of creative writing lsat year/ I wonder if she is pregnant again/ my spanis h teacher is cool//I have a headache with all these people talking, raquelle is a good reoooommate / it is so hot outsiede. don't complain emily / it is 225 now, that means I only havve mfive minutes of this left yeah 11 111\!!! hmmmmm that albino guy was interesting to look at . the fball game will be showing in the si xx pack tonight. fun. so much to do so litlle time. wi wish clint woudl write me so badly. gues he doesnn't carre abut me. that hurts to say that. , icant even get ah old of him if I wanted to o/ I need to read CSD and go by teh SAR office ASAP. when can I go do all that? monday am , maybe. tex better give me my class . not the christian attitude. allthtose girls cuss too much that I am saaruods. I wonder if anyone will vome see me at UT. wonder if I shoudl go hoem sooon or wait it out. I need nmony though. math isn't too hard yet. that si good. supplemntal instruction. my eyes really hurt right now. should mail kimber a hello and wirte erin a note an dann. my eyes hutdy and its all getin g blurry now. santa fe and miss dorsetee. wonderif she likes her new job as a naannny. she may be gay. ahhhh time to allmost be finished I need to call annee did annika call Dre? Why do I always reapeat myself. glad this assignmment is overalmost . hangi inthere. sleep I sosoon. I ty pe so badly, but I try. i muiiss clint. what about the whole tyler ssue? neeed to memorize the names of the irls on m,y dorm. iquit fro now.

1

0

1

1

1

23

I am wondering why I decided to wear this shirt today. no I'm not. I kow why I did. I wanted to look nice. Gosh! Why do people keep sending me messages? I put my away message on. Wow, I can type pretty fast, but I'm getting distracted because I'm wiggling in the chair and my ponytail is tickling the back of my neck. I hear voices outside - what are the girls in my dorm doing? The door just slammed, so I guess they just got home from class. Hope they're not doing anything fun without me. Ouch, my stomach kind of hurts. I guess I'm not under that much stress because (darn, I always mess up because" when I type!) I think I might be getting sick. I really liked that lecture. I learned so much! My neck is kind of tense now, and I hate typing for too long. I type much too fast, or rather I think much too quickly. It's only been 3 minutes. this writing assignment will be a long one, I'm sure. I'm kind of worried about running for RHC vice president. I hate elections, I hate campaigning. Everytime I run for an election, someone always tries to do something really underhanded, like spread rumors or tear down posters or just do something really mean. Gosh, this folder on my desk is really in the way and I think the fan in this room is much too loud. I wish my roommate was her - I'm kind of lonely. I would like to go to dinner, but I think I'll wait until she gets home. But if she is not back soon, I'm going to eat a cookie from the pantry to tide me over. Speaking of tide, laundry accumulates much too quickly in college. I've had to wash a ton of clothes since I've gotten here, and it's way too expensive. Pkus, our washers and dryers don't work right, so I don't think that they're ever really clean. Gosh, I worry too much about my punctuation and grammar. I really doubt whether I sound intelligent in these essays - the structure is not right, the grammar most likely isn't, and the spelling is constantly corrected. There's a blinking light telling me that I have an I'M, but I don't want to answer it. I'm trying to type! Go away! Gosh, there's another message. Leave me alone. NOOOOO!My neck still hurts too. I could really go for a massage. I keep thinking about today's lecture. it really made me feel so much better. I'm so glad Dr. Pennebaker told us that everyone feels kind of stupid and lonely when they first get to college. I know I do. Now the phone's ringing. grrrr. I guess I'm not that lonely after all. I really like the new people that I have met in college and I think that the classes are really interesting, but everyone in my FIG seems to absorb info much faster than I do. I mean, I'm a smart girl, but I have to read and read to understand information. My parents are like that too. They don't understand what they read right off the bat. They have to read it two or three times ot really understand it. I really like having examples or analogies for the stuff I read. It helps to illustrate the point. I don't understand. grrr, the fan is still too loud. just plain definitions. I need more than that. The sun is really bright. I wish my desk didn't face the window. I really wish that we had a better view from the window. All I see when I look outside is a brick wall. C'mon, a brick wall? That's hardly a view. And the girl next door just left to go to the gym or something. She always wears a ton of keys on a lanyard around her neck, so she jingles wherever she goes. Darn! I don't remember the names of the boys I just met outside. They were really nice when my friend introduced me, but they were from Nigeria and had really foreign names. One was like something with an F, I think. And the other. who knows? Yay! My birthday is on Friday. I can't wait to see what surprises are in store for me. I want to go out and have tons of fun with all my new friends, and then I want to go home and see my family. I really miss them. My mom sends me a card like everyday. I can't believe I left my keys in San Antonio the last time I went home. My mom finally sent them to me today in a card, which was a relief. Haha, I sighed just now, which I guess truly illustrates how relieved I was. I really want to get more mail. College students should set up some sort of program, like a buddy thing, where they could get more mail. The mailbox hardly ever has anything in it, but today I got a magazine. Cool. And someone just sent me an I'M, but I don't know who it was. I'm almost done. I can answer them! I think I'll do that right now, and answer the other IMs too. haha I guess people do love me! :) Yay!

1

0

0

1

0

18

My roommate has a poster of a wolf beside the computer. it looks like an Alaskan husky my aunt has. I saw a wolf once and a coyote ran across the road in front of me while I was driving. My friend Brandon was with me and said did you see that as if I didn't see a big coyote run in front of my car . Brandon is not very bright but I feel sorry for him because he doesn’t have many friends. We worked together one summer on a farm and he didn’t work very hard and that makes me mad because I had to do most of the work. I just sneezed and every time I sneeze I do it more than once my mother is the same way she sneezes three or four times in a row . I am sure she misses me a lot right now . I can't believe she cried when I left to move to college. That embarrasses me but at least she cares about me. She has more respect for me than my older brother and that makes me mad because I love my brother and he is a good person but since he went of to college and messed up a little she has in her on way shunned him. And now my family looks at me like I am the good child. I am not good but they think I am. Whenever I got my first job my parents thought I was so responsible . I hated that job. I hate HEB to this day . All the people who worked there made me feel like a snob because I was actually going to go to college one day instead of working at HEB for 30 years . Why am I still upset about a job I quit 2 years ago . That's like Amanda Baize cheated on me in the 8th grade and I will never forgive her . It hurt so bad . I mean, I have had a different girlfriend who I love very much for the last three years but I still hate Amanda Baize. Misti Davidson was her best friend and used to be mine but she stopped talking to me because she felt she was too good to talk to me . People would think I am crazy for saying that but that is the truth. Now I am feeling guilty for just complaining about stuff in a homework paper to people who don't even know me and now I feel like when anyone reads this paper they will think that I am a guy with a lot of problems. I am actually a very stable person all my friends come to me for help because I give good advice. I really hope someone can read this paper because I am trying to be honest and type everything I am thinking while I am thinking it but it doesn't always come out in readable text . I am worried about this class because Pennebaker said that students who took some Psychology in High school do worse in his class than others . I don't think I am the kind of person to rest on my laurels but maybe I am deluding myself . One thing that bothers me is whenever I think I am not being honest to myself. Does that make sense ? Now I feel like I am talking to a Psychologist and he is analyzing all that I say and I feel really foolish . How stable am I really? I don't care. I like my life and anyone who says that I have problems can kiss my butt because they have problems of their own. We all have problems but that doesn't keep most of us from functioning. I got a feeling I won't do very good on this paper and I guess I am feeling "anxiety" but I have been typing for well over 20 minutes and I have shared much more than I really wanted to, to people who don't really care and frankly I am tired. One of my many faults is that I am too trusting and any time I talk to anyone I reveal too much . Thank you for your time . Sorry for this mess (my life or paper, take it either way) Hasta luego

0

1

1

1

0

14

Upon coming to UT I thought about it in much detail. Being used to air conditioned High School, I told my roommate that I think that the entire university should be one building. This building would have to be about 100 stories high, or remain the same size, just in a huge bubble. Now that class has started, I see that the temp. problem is not that big of a deal, so I say screw it. I also thought class would be easier. Since there aren't any daily grades, quizes, or numerous tests, I find it difficult to be happy with my current state of mind concerning my academics. I constantly feel that I need to study. I find this extremely difficult lately now that the fraternity has us running around with little time for relaxation. Thank goodness they allow us study time. I don't know much about college life yet because I haven't been through at least one semester yet, but I don't think engineering will be as easy as I had hoped. The math concerning the major is so overwhelming that I find myself with extremely high levels of anxiety while attending the class. The TA teaches on tues. /thurs. and then I have a supplemental instruction class too. If it wasn't for the GE (supplemental) class I don't think I would be able to cut it. I came out of high school thinking that math was just natural, but I realize that the quality of teachers makes all the difference in the world. I realize how jaded the topics I discuss are and also want to mention that I am extremely frustrated with the entry level professors (I'm really just dirrecting my anger towards the math department). The guy barely speeks english and he basically stands at the front of the class and puts on a display of how good he is at math. "OOH, look at me I'm Romanian and I know lots of math; you can never know as much math as me. To make sure you never know as much math as me I'm going to run though this matterial so quickly that none of you can process it and assign you so much homework that with my shortcummings as a teacher, you with surely sit for hours trying to figure out this stuff on your own. " I am obviously dramatizing the situation, but this is the only way I can describe my frustration; however there is some truth to my insanity.

1

0

0

0

1

17

I am not sure if I am studying properly. Doing this makes me very nervous. I wish she would call me but I know it is hard. Sometimes it really sucks being in love. especially with someone my parents don't approve of. I wish I could escape sometimesto a place where no one judges anyone and everyone gets along and dad's don't drink. Where one can hear the sun rise and set; where stress is nonexistent and there's never any need to cry. I love to write, but not today. I want to sit in a tree and observe. Nobody would know I was there. Why are people so oblivious? We're really quite stupid. We hurt people and they hurt us. Nobody really wants to be hurt. My arms hurt. I really want to make this rowing team. I have to be part of something. I have been for 10 years. Why doesn't she come visit me. She is my backbonemy strengthI need her. I want to run away TO MAINE. That would be so great. Maine is beautiful, peaceful and usually stays out of the limelight. Privacy. That would be so nice. She and I get along really well but it would be nice if I could have a little privacy every now and then. Well, a couple of days would be nice. I'm overwhelmed. I don't know what to do. about anything. I don't know who to talk to. I feel tired and unkempta lot. I wonder why. I love college though. I hated high school because I felt as if it were not to my level. Here there is a challenge. Flag football Wed. 20th. Today ultimate Frisbee. TomorrowApril. Test 20th speech. That mouse pad is black. Why am I dizzy sometimes. I need to write. Seriously write. Like I used to. It always made me feel so much better. and my teachers loved it. What on earth is this chick next to me doing? I really HATE it when people look at my monitor when I am trying to do this. PET PEAVE. Or when there are like 500 computers open and she has to come sit right next to ME. I like lightning. It's so beautiful. I like rain. I want to go play in it. I don't ever want to grow up. I hope this phone doesn't get me in trouble. I really need to get my computer fixed. It's so dead. So am I. But not too bad. Not as bad as I have been. I really have a lot of questions about God. I really need to get them answered because all of it is driving me absolutely out of my mind. Maybe I'll hang around after church on Sunday. ask the pastor. Maybe not. I hope my mother is happy with him. She deserves to be happy after everything she's been through. I'm glad they found each other again. I need to workout. It keeps me strong and in shape. April needs to be happy. She tries so hard to make me happy but I don't want her to. She needs to make herself happy. Kristin needs to lay off. I need to go home.

1

1

0

1

0

26

The library is so boring. I can't stand more than two hours of library a day. Daily discussion sections can be really useless in the long run for easy classes, one would be better off studying. It is hard to write a stream of consciousness when typing and especially being in a library with other people around you. There are too many distractions and I believe this particular writing assignment to be more effective on my behalf in a different environment. Time is tricky in that it seems to move by faster than expected when it is divided into units, I divide my day into units of time rather than just saying that I have to be in class for an hour, i consider this one unit of time and everything just works out as planned. I wonder if people have a preference on which computer to use when they enter a computer lab, I mean location of the computer, I have a preference for the computers in the back corner or at least at the end of the row. I have am uncomfortable with people sitting behind me or even next to me when there is a chance I may be watched. I am not really following the rules of stream of consciousness because i am using punctuation marks and there is no real stream with punctuation marks. It is hard not to, may be there is something psychologically wrong with a person who uses punctuation in a stream of consciousness one thing is for certain is that the person may be a little occupied by trivial matters. a beautiful girl just walked in so she is on my mind so since she is on my mind i will write about her, she is wearing a black dress, knee high and a tan beld with tan shoes, i wonder why she dressed like that to go to the library and use a computer, awesome she is now sitting at the computer next to me if i wasnt in a stream on consciousness may be i would talk to her, probably not i am not good with those type of situations anyway, i guess i shouldnt write about her when she may glance over and see my writing about her enough of that, where was i in my original thoughts before this incident occured, i believe i was talking about time and how controlling it can be when dealt with in the wrong way our whole society is so structured on this intangible object its amazing when you dwell and also can get confusing. i think i may just move to spain where time is not that big of a deal, at least thats what my high school sociology teacher told me, she was an attractive lady who had just got out of college and she really liked me, not in a sexual way, she had a wonderful family, and her child was very beautiful, i hope one day i may have the chance to have such a nice child. anyway, our relationship was good, she even invited me to the movies and many dinners at her house, it was awkward, but i soon became kind of close with that family, she knew my mother was living in austin and wanted to just kind of have the experience of a teenage son i guess i recall those two years and i feel extremely happy and encouraged by that woman and she helped me deal with not having a mother

1

1

1

1

1

31

well, today is a pretty easy relaxaing day. I've kinda gotten into the school mood now so it's not too hard to sit down and get stuff done like it was a couple days ago. when I got here I had no clue it was going to be just what I thought is was going to be like. needless to say, I'm happy. it feels just like a movie or something. I'm so lucky to have such a great roommate. she's so awesome. we knew eachother in high school but we never were great friends so it works out perfect. we always can feel free to go our separate ways and always have someone to come home to and share our nights with. we are so much alike and so much different that God sure put us in the right place. we make eachother laugh. she even hooked me up the other night with one of her friends and I had a great time. we were discussing something last night though. we haven't seemed to find our nitch yet. we've met a lot of people, together and separatly, but I guess it just takes awhile to find your friends huh? I'm not too worried or depressed about it yet. I'm busy as it is. friends will come. I wish matt from orientation calls me. I think we could be really good friends. I'm pretty upset with some of my friends right now. mainly blake. my old best guy friend. we used to be so tight but now he's changed. all he cares about is partying and drinking and keeping an image. it's so not him and he knows it. he is so much better than that and we've even talked about it before. I just care for him and miss him but both of us are too stubborn to call first and stuff like that. we've always been that way. let me tell you, senior year with him was pretty stressful. I just wish sometimes things were what they used to be. don't get me wrong. I absolutely love college but I guess I miss all of the tight friendships I had and my little group at school. but I love everything about college (except for the showers) :) well, that's it for now. besides the fact that I wish I had some significant other. or maybe I don't. sometimes I wish I did but I still enjoy looking at other guys and flirting and I'm still meeting people now so I guess it's good I'm not tied down. and I'm really excited I found a theater club I could join here. and I don't have to major in theater. I did a lot of that in high school (hated my teacher) but I was a role model to a lot of people and that made it easier to cope with her. I'm so glad that we have email today. it makes it such an easier way to talk and communicate with people. I miss my friends and family the most. I'm not really homesick yet, which is good I think. I think that shows a sign of maturity. I'm not going home this weekend. I know my parents would want me to but I don't really feel like it yet. I propbably will the next weekend maybe. I know I am for our high school's homecoming for sure. I think that everyone from my school that goes here is going back. I think that it will be fun. I loved high school football games. I went to every single one all four years but two of them my senior year. well, it's been past 20 minutes. until writing #2.

0

1

0

1

0

10

Hmmm. stream of consciousness. Follow my train of thought. I guess I can say I've had experience with this in that I used to, and still do sometimes, write down stuff when I just had to get something off my chest. I followed my thoughts and emotions. It helped me a lot to get through some things. I had never really done anything like that until this past summer. I guess it was because I hadn't had anything bother me so much until then. But anyhow, I am not about to tell you about my experience; that is personal. I find it strange that I never really liked to write, assignments for example. I found it so boring and pointless. But now I realize that many authors write for pleasure, for entertainment, or to simply get something off their chest. But I guess you learn as you go. So far I feel I'm doing ok in following my thoughts, which have been pretty much superficial. Anyhow, I'm here completing an assignment, and complete it I shall. Besides, there are no right or wrong answers. Now, I'm just looking at the keyboard because my mind has gone blank. I thought this assignment would be easier for me seeing that I've had experience in writing my thought without planning ahead, but I didn't think I would have this much problems in having a subject to write. I just thought of something. It is something I had thought about during the summer, while I was going through the experience mentioned before. I feel that many people skip the thought process and just act with what they feel. I do agree that it is important to satisfy your emotions, your feelings, and your desires, but there must also be some thought put into a decision. Without this thinking process, a person could get him or herself into a lot of trouble. For example, if for some reason Person A decides he feels like killing someone, he could get into a lot of trouble for doing it. If he thinks about it ahead of time, he will see the dark road ahead. He will realize that he is just being crazy and that satisfying his feelings could cost a lot. And yet, I find it hard to believe that some people, some of whom I know personally, don't use this process. Take for example many teenagers. They got out with friends. They get drunk and end up crashing and in the hospital, if they are lucky to be alive. Had they thought about the consequences, chances are they would have realized that getting drunk was not worth it. But then, there is also an "evaluation" that takes place when this thinking process is used. In the case of the teenagers, they are probably aware of the consequences of getting drunk and driving. I mean, they see it everyday through various media. They probably realize that the consequences are pretty bad; yet they choose to go ahead and drink. They are willing to take the risk. They have decided that getting drunk is more important, or at least worth the risk, than their lives. It's probably that stage in their lives when they feel immortal. When they feel invincible. I was a teenager once, but never did I do the things that many others did and still do. I consider my life to precious to waste on one party. I have just made an evaluation after the thought process. I have found throughout the years that I tend to hold myself back on certain actions. I feel like doing something, I want to do it, but yet, my mind says "Stop. Is it right? Is it good for you? Is it ethical?" etc. , etc. I consider many things before actually making a decision. Although my feelings and desires might be held back for a while, I know that at least my life remains the "right" track. You will notice that my college experience will be a little different from other students. Twenty minutes and thirty-three seconds have gone by, so I guess that's time. Hope you enjoyed!!!

1

1

1

1

0

30

In the background there is the movie "Space Jam" which is a little distracting. I can't help but focus on the comedy the Looney Tunes attribute to communication disorders because it was a topic that was discussed in my CSD class. It's a little too cold in here. My agent is not paying enough attention to me as of late, in agreement with a statement just made in the movie. I still wonder about my sign language assignment tonight. The screen on this computer is getting out of focus, then coming back in focus again. I love this keyboard. The spacing on the keys is wonderful. I wish my face would stop throbbing. My lips are very dry, and it's still very cold. I can feel the fatness in the side of my face from my surgery. the Newman guy on Seinfeld is in this movie. I hate his character. In Seinfeld he's funny at least. this music reminds me of aerobics and now the Eagles are playing "Fly Like and Eagle". Michael Jordan is a very attractive man. I wish I lived on campus. I wish I had a boyfriend. I gave the wrong number to my friend. It's hard to pay attention to the assignment and the movie , but it's not my computer so I must make do. no more basketball this season. I love this song, it reminds me of 5th grade and going roller skating. My best friend from 5th grade was really messed up. I wonder where she is now. I need to get the old school Salt 'n Peppa CD. I want a new car. I really want a nice car, not another piece of crap like I already have. I want a new Honda Accord, if life was perfect. I'm glad, this boy is coming over and I am very attracted to him. the movie with Kevin Bacon in it about basketball. I forgot the name, crap. my head hurts. you know that looking at anything that is emitting light, like a computer screen or a TV with the lights off it is very bad for your eyes. I'm hungry, I need to work out. I love the free rec center. My fingers hurt a little. I love playing sports, I love movies. I want to make movies when I get older, maybe I'll just produce. Actually I want to be rich. God, that mouse is annoying. Reminds me of my little sister, she always talks to fast for her mouth. This movie sucks. I am tired and I have to do that stupid Lab tonight. I want to go to an amusement park. I'm hungry. I miss Karen. I need a haircut. God that's Danny Devito's voice. That trips me out. OK , my fingers really hurt. the chubby boy? Who's voice is that? hey time really flies, it's good to hear Jenny laugh. I love it when other people are amused. Why is Michael talking about his butt. My friend Justin called me, it's very cool that I ran into him today. enough.

0

0

1

0

1

5

SO before I started writing this, I was eating some Reese's cereal. This cereal is so good. It tastes like chocolate and peanut butter and the best part about it is that it is a cereal and that means it's not that fattening. That's always good. But since I ate that, I'm kind of thirsty. Basically, right now all I want is some water. And that's kind of not letting me think about anything else. I'm also thinking about last night. I'm not sure if this guy likes me or not but he keeps leaving subtle hints about it but he flirts with a lot of girls so I'm not sure what to think about it. And I'm still not quite over someone else so I don't know what to do. But it's kind of something that gives you acceptance into a crowd of people. Especially snotty people like indians tend to be initially. which sucks. I wanted to come to UT to have some indian friends but this whole process of struggling to fit in is really hard. And like we learned in class, this is definitely a down time for me. I really miss my family. I wonder what they're doing in california right now. I'm sure dad is at work but mom must be so lonely without her daughters and her friends and her work. I hope she isn't sad and is finding something to do with her time. My mom is the most wonderful person in the world. She sacrifices everything for us. I mean, my parents sent me to UT despite all our financial hardships. That is so nice of them to do that and slightly selfish on my part. But I think I will be happy here once everything becomes a lil routine and I meet all the people I'm going to meet. At first, it seemed like I'd never meet anyone and I was really depressed about that too. I'm still really hungry. And I definitely need some lunch. I really don't want to go to Calculus today. I'm kind of tired of not feeling like the smart person anymore like I was in high school. This is definitely a rude awakening. Which is not fun. I'm definitely a worrier like the girl said who read my hand yesterday. I worry about everything. I worry about not doing good in college which means not a good job which means all in all. disappointing my parents. That's the saddest thing for me because all I want to do is make them happy. Also, I have to do good so I can stay here. And I can already see that I will NOT want to transfer to another school after this year. especially after I join KPhiG. Those girls are so innocent it's insane. It makes me feel almost like I know too much or something and I don't like that. I guess that's why you should save yourself for the right person so you don't have to feel that way in an extreme way. which thankfully I haven't done. But now I know ankur did. I can't believe he did. I guess I really don't know him like he says I don't. I wonder what he really thinks though? I mean. I think he used to like me but I guess he just sees me in a friend light now. Maybe he never even did like me and he just liked to talk to me when we were younger. But how do you lie that to much to a girl in e-mails and everything? I guess its possible if you can stay wtih a mentally incapacitated girl for over a year. He is just such a nice guy and I guess it was one of those childhood or actually teeny bopper fantasies of being with your first serious crush forever. Or even it might have had to do with the fact that ankur was the first indian guy I had been wtih and like that is a HUGE deal because there were no indians in south carolina AND I really want to marry an indian too. Either I'm marrying an indian or I don't get married at all because no other race can understand us. I mean yesterday at our sisterhood party. there were talking about how much hair indian girls have on their body. That is so awesome. no one but an indian girl can understand the strife of that. IT was something that dominated my thoughts for YEARS when I was growing up. And I didn't have any indian friends to share it with and now I can finally relate to girls. I think that is the primary reason I want to join kphig and plus it adds to the acceptance factor and you have immediate friends which is awesome. That's definitely work done for you. Sometimes I wonder if dilen's happy. He sometimes seems a lil down but I guess he is happy hanging out with white people cause he doesn't fit in well with indian people. It still makes me upset though to think that he has to face comments of him being gay. I just don't see it and he is not gay so people need to just calm down and realize not everyone who likes shopping and is weird around girls is gay.

1

0

1

1

1

23

I'm currently thinking about what I just finished writing to Dr. Pennebaker about, my broken relationship. It was so beautiful, and the worst part is that the feeling, that beautiful feeling is still inside me. I feel it everyday: in class, before I go to bed, when I wake up. I remember the feeling of being with him, and I miss it. I miss him so much. I hate having taken him for granted. I hate the fact that things could have worked out, had I simply admitted to myself that I had fallen for a guy. That's all I needed to do. All I could do was ignore him, laugh at him, all this while trully knowing there was something else. I did all of this knowing that I meant none of it. I was fighting it! I was doing what my three older brothers had instilled in me from time of birth, All guys are the same. They're all jerks. Be careful who you fall in love with. Don't fall in love in high school, it's too soon. You have your whole life ahead of you. " I knew they were only trying to protect me, I knew they were saying this because they themselves having been guys, knew what it is guys were after. But no, not Hugo! He was different. He wasn't horny or all over me, or asking me weird sex stuff. Not once did he do this. Not once did he push me into something I didn't want to do. Not once! We dated for a year, and the most he got out of it to brag to his football friends was that we held hands and we kissed each other on each other's foreheads and cheeks. This was it. And God did he do stuff for me. I hated saying I needed something or felt a certain way in front of him, because he had always go out of his way to help-ALWAYS! For Valentine's Day, he designed a shirt that said, "Monica, Will You Be My Valentine?" I remember that morning, walking into the school and knowing that he was going to do something, knowing he wanted to celebrate such a special holiday with me. I hugged him, nodded, and smiled. That was all he needed. I don't know what I wouldn't do to have those feelings all over again-with him!?! I dream about laying beside him, while he has his arms wrapped around my shoulders. and just watching him breathe, watching his chest rise and lower, as he breathes. WOW! Such an amazing sight. Now, all I have are our memories, most of them of me being a 'bitch' to him, treating him so unfairly. Maybe he does deserve better than me, maybe this is all part of God's plan. But you see, I know God knows me and he knows I have a big heart, but am just afraid to show it. He knows this. He knows how sometimes, it's hard for me to show my true feelings for fear of loss or rejection, or something or other. But what now? Should I wait? I guess so. Deep down, I have this feeling that it is not over between Hugo and I by a long shot. I know it's not over by a lot. I remember how Hugo treated his parents, better than I've ever seen anyone treat their parents, with such respect and love. I've always had this thing that a guy will treat his wife the way he treats his mother. His Dad also, that man is really such a good person. He really does have a lot to offer to his family, and I know Hugo too is this type of person. I only hope he knows this about himself. I only hope he knows everything he is worth. I only hope that he knows how I truly feel about him, how I've truly felt about him this entire past year. I hope he knows that behind every crude and hateful action or word, there was an enormous amount of love just trying to get through. There was an enormous amount of love just trying to beat all the hate, and although it might have been a little late, it has been released. It has gone through all the hate. It lives in me today, right now, right this instant as I am typing, and will live in me for a very long time, if not-eternally.

1

0

1

1

1

23

It's so stupid. All these people think they're such hot shit because they're pretty now or whatever. And it's pathetic how they're still emotionally screwed up because Joe Blow made fun of them in the third grade and they still haven't recovered. Give me a break. It's been 20 years - get over it!!!! And I hate when the audience says -"You must have gotten the wrong Jenny, You don't need Jenny Jones - You need Jenny CRAIG!" Ha Ha Ha. I feel really bad for lying to Matt last night. I love him so much and I don't know why I always cut corners. Where's the harm in saying yeah Matt 2 pike idiots were here last night and I drank a couple beers. He won't care. It's like I lie more when I'm completely innocent than I do when I'm totally guilty. Not that I'm guilty ever but anyway. It was so stupid that he got mad about Anne being over last night. Oh that guy is hot on tv. Anyway, It's not like I'm all buddy-buddy with her now. We were just reminiscing. Though we had a lot of shitty times together and I essentially hate her psycho guts, we did have a lot of good times together. Halloween was so much fun. I hope this year is just as fun. I hope Matt doesn't come down and be a bum. I hope if he's here in Austin he'll dress up and be stupid with us. I also hope he starts liking my friends more. I love him, but he's got to accept all of me. Damn, nice house. This guy has a really cool pool with a bridge over it. Neat. But - --I forget what I was talking about. He's been so sweet since I left. I never heard him be so goofy over me and writing me letters and saying how much he loves me all of the time. I don't know if it's just because he's so lonely in SFA but I like ie. He makes me feel good when he's all mushy and stuff. I really need to turn off the tv. Everything I think gets clouded up by what's on tv. Oh well because my time is up.

1

0

0

1

0

18

I am writing an assignment for psychology. Stream of consciousness. What am I thinking right now? What am I thinking for the next twenty minutes? Chris is watching the television. Wresting. WWF. Idiots in spandex. T. V. is slowly killing us off. The announcer's scream. Loud, emotional, fake. Why do people watch it? Reality is more fun when it's fake. Big brother. Survivor. The real world. I hate the real world. True strangers, picked to live in a house, and devour each other alive. Devour. I want some ice cream, but I'm not hungry. They had Mexican food for supper tonight. There was a band playing. A Mexican band. I didn't like it. Music. Radiohead's new cd comes out October 3. Hell yeah! Kid A is the name of it. If I could be in any band it would be Radiohead. The television is distracting me. Wrestlers coming to the ring from the future. Futuristic wrestlers, live on television. And some people still believe it. Chris just changed the channel. MTV now. Carson Daly, and his Total Request Live. I'm ashamed of my generation. I feel sorry for Britney Spears, N'Sync, and all the other pop groups that greedy business men package to be sold. In five years where will they be? The kids who love them now will laugh at them, and call them queers, has beens. Telephone is ringing. Chris answered it. It's for him. He rarely gets a phone call. I get all the calls. The end of my twenty minutes is coming up. Fifteen seconds, ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.

0

1

1

0

0

12

Its been 2 weeks now that I have been in college. I havent made that many new friends, but at least I have been trying. I go and meet new people, peobably most of whom I will never meet again, but it's fun still to just go and meet people. I look at my friends from high school, and they just sit around with each other. To me, they don't seem to be getting the new life experience, high school all over again. I think college will be a great time to see new things in my life. Maybe figure out what I want to be as a person. As far as girls, there are many on the campus, but I don't know how many I have a chance with. Sometimes, I feel like my religion holds me back, but I know its something that I want to keep. Its like a respect factor. I hope the girl is out there. I do regret sometimes when I know I should go talk to girl, but instead I just go somewhere else. Im not that shy, but I feel girls always think they're being hit on. THe better thing to do is to go for it anyway, and who cares what they think. THe things that happen during this time in our life, I wonder if this stuff really even matters that much. I mean how much is this stuff really going to affect me later on, or should I even bother with all this stuff. People tell me that it does matter and its all part of life, but I don't really know. I think sometimes I think to much about what other people are thinking. Like act differently towards different people, which something i don't like doing. Also, i think I judge too quickly. I finally opened the door to the my dorm yesterday; stupidly I didnt do so before. I met some people, they seemed pretty nice. I want to meet some girls though, so if nothing else, my confidence will be boosted up. I usually not really needing self-assurance, but what can i say, it is a bit different here. As far as Jennifer goes, well im trying to be friends with her. I think I can be, it doesnt really matter anymore. I think she finally realizes it as well. In life, I think we all make many friends, so it doesnt really matter that much I guess. Also, I noticed when I make a point I think about the opposite as well. Like maybe I should try to stay friends with her, what if she turns out to be a life long friend. I like it when Im just in a relaxed mood, when stuff doesnt bother me. Just chilling and not worrying about anything. SChool hasnt been that bad so far; I know I need to pick it up. Studying hard right now will pay off for me a lot. I guess writing in a journal does help. It makes me feel releaved of some emotions. I want to go to that party tonight, but I don't know how I will get there. Psychology class should be fun, I like the material we are covering, hope it's not too hard though. Im worried about calculus, that class is going to be tough. Sheena, well i don't know about her. She's cool, but I don't know. She's really hesistant, and I don't really trust her. Seems like she's really good friends with a lot of people. I mean I want to make some new friends, meet some nice girls, and make good grades. Simple goals. This 20 minute segment is really long. Im getting tired of writing. I want to go club tonight, i hope i can get a ride up there. I have study too, so if i don't i can always just study. All the same.

1

0

0

1

1

19

I have class at 3:30 today; I had better make it on time. After this I am going to go for lunch, I am feeling so hungry. Don't know how I will be able to keep writing for 20 minutes, seems like a long time. Parents are coming on Thursday night, have to go and finish off the work on Friday, better remember to finish calling about the computers today. There are so many people using the labs. I can't wait to get my computer back. We had better finish buying all the things we need this weekend. The TV people will be coming on Saturday; I think we need to buy a video as well. I should call Nimay and Maallika and see how they are doing. I forgot to email Cody again. Better call him. I mean mail him. Oh god, I am so tired, need to sleep some more. Good, there's a long weekend coming up. I am so happy I do not have class on Fridays. Oh, now I do, Sitar class. but then that is hardly class, it's more of fun than class. I hope he teaches something in the advance class that I can learn from. That Monday class was ridiculous, doing all the basics all over again! Just 7 minutes up. 13 more to keep writing. That guy looks familiar. Better finish off on all my work 2day and go study for that accounting quiz. It looks like it's going to be easy, if he does the kind of stuff he did in class yesterday, then it's going to B really easy. I hope I do well this semester, make the 4. 0 that I want to. Statistics and Psychology look like they are going to be hard; I hope I do well in both these classes. Winter break should be fun, am really looking forward to going back home. Going home is always nice; it's good that mom and Pop are coming this weekend. We should have a good time. We'll take all these people out to dinner; they'll like that to. Deepti's parents will be here as well. We should all go out together. We should go to that place we went to last time, it was really nice. I think we'll go to San Antonio as well this weekend, will be fun. I hope the weather is nice. I wonder which car we'll be renting?? I hope we rent a nice car. we'll need a big car. I need to work out how I'm going to get to the airport. probably take a cab, the bus won't be running so late. I should check up the bus schedule as well, probably have to buy it. Better buy the book for that India class, and the course packet as well. I'll ask Kristin and Twisha to buy it. they live at Dobie. I'll probably go to Dobie now, maybe buy it right away. Buy lunch there, probably go to their room and relax, I hope they are in their room. Otherwise I'll go to Malika or Nimay's room and chill there for a while. Jeez there are so man people living at Dobie. So many Indians, and so many freshmen. I think Dobie is a good place for freshman to live. An apartment is better, but then not that great an idea for freshman. I think Senior year I might live at Dobie, only because it so close and convenient. Otherwise it isn't a really great place to live. Lets see what happens. all that is so far away.

1

1

1

0

0

28

Everyone likes to party, but at parties, the girls are very stingy and very hard to approach. Even though I am polite and nice. I consider myself and average looking guy, not ugly. So I don't see what the problem is. So far, the first 2 1/2 weeks of school, I have not yet to meet a nice girl. I don't know what's wrong. It is sort of making me depressed. During orientation it wasn't that hard for me to meet girls. So far, I still hang around my friends that I had during high school. I want to meet new people as well as keep my old friends. I hope the meetings at FSA and VSA will aide me in meeting new people. The parties here are pretty cool though. I just wish they played different music. My neighbors seem pretty nice but they're total dorks. The girls on my floor are also hard to approach. I don't know if it's me. Maybe I'm thinking too much. The time I spend here seems to go by so fast. I get homesick quite often. I want to go back to Houston. Maybe the homesickness will go away as time pasts by. I haven't been spending quite as much money as I planned to spend. so far I have spent probably around 30 bucks a week. which is average I guess. My classes so far has been good. I just hate oversleeping. Right now all of my thoughts seem to be about college. College is sort of a different experience for me, but its gradually absorbing into me.

0

0

1

1

0

6

whats so hard about college? I've been here 2 and half weeks already, and I don't find anything hard about this. I've skipped a coupla chem classes, and bio classes already. why do people say its hard. so confused. I'm weary that I will fail miserbly on my tests because I think I know everything. arrogance. I think I am arrogant in thinking that I know what the professors are teaching now. but I don't want to be arrogant. indecision. do I want to be a doctor? do I want to go the pre med route? what if I do this and don't even make it to med school? do I really think then I can make it to law school? but I hate law school. I hate writing. this is so stupid. I don't want to do this. I don't like expressing my mind to strangers. dang I wonder how much my comics are worth now. I wish the damn 20 minutes would go by a little quicker. I want to see how much my comics are worth. I wonder if I should start buying comics again. no. I'm not a kid anymore. but damn, I like comics. so many decisions. damn being responsible is hard. I went from living at home and carefree, to having to make every decision myself. I need to change. I'm not studious at all. I'm afraid that I'm going to fail miserbly , and not get anywhere close to a 4. 0 gpa. then I'll only have myself to blame if I don't get that 4. 0. then I wont get a car that I want. damn supra turbos are nice. but do I really need one here? I could use a car. indecision. but I really want one. but that means I need to get a 4. 0. and I need to study but I don't want to. I want to play ball, and shoot pool and hang out. I don't want to study. but damn I think I need to. I have no clue whats going in calc 2. I don't want to fail that damn class. crap I shoulda taken 408c. easy a for sure. regret. now this means I'll have to work and study. but I've never studied before. I don't know where to begin. but I want good grades. I want a 4. 0. I know I have to work. but I don't want to!I hate work. I hate it. I'm a lazy s. o. b. crap. crap. crap. so much responsibility. I hate it. I wish I was a kid again. back in high school at least. it was much better then. course I was always hoping for better things, like a better car, better grades, better anything. I hate growing up. but I have to. realization. super catharisis. moment to reflect. I have to be a man now. I am responsible for my future now. its only me. tru I may have friends, my girlfriend, my family behind me. but its me. my future depends on how I accept responsibility. if I want to get a 4. 0 gpa. I'll have to study. if I don't want to be afraid to fail calc 2. I have to study and learn all the calc things. if I don't want to sleep in class. I have to go to sleep earlier. I cannot fade to temptation, I must resist. I must be mature. responsible. because its only me now. but I'm scared. I don't think I can handle it. I don't want to be responsible for everything. but I want so much. gawd. 4. 0 for a year to get any car I want. thats going to be hard. but I've never achieved such a goal. I've never had to put myself to anything. this is it. this college. I must. fear. indecision. temptation. irresponsibility. I must forgo all and just do what is right. its time to apply myself. its up to me now. crap.

0

1

1

0

1

13

Well this is the first time that I have ever been told to write for twenty minutes straight about what is going on inside of my head. Anyways, yeah it is early in the morning and I just got back from calculus, and I am extremley tired. The reason that I am tired is because I did not get a lot of sleep this weekend. I really wanted to catch up on my sleep but it did not really happen. The reason for this is, that on Saturday night I did not go to bed until like four or five in the morning and then I needed to wake up semi-early to do some necessary homework. I really am a night person and I do not ever mind staying up late even when I have to wake up early the next morning. Well anyways, school has been its usual self. I am really enjoying the college life and the freedom from my parents, but I miss all of my friends so much. I really wish we had more vacation time so that I could spend it with my friends. The person that I miss the most, is of course my sister. We have grown up our whole lives together, and now that she is actually maturing and becoming a normal person, I am not there to see it and it is kind of sad. Anyways, also I miss Kyle a lot. I mean I realized how good of friends we were, but since we have both gone to college, I realize it even more. He is the one that can always put me in a good mood when I am upset. He can always make me feel so much better about myself. I can never get mad at the kid, even if he says the rudest things or the most inconciderate things. He is a great friend and someone that I will always want to be in touch with. I mean saturday night we talked on the phone for like four hours. I mean that is a lot of talking. I never thought I could talk on the phone that much, but with him the conversation is never boring, never worthless, never repetitive. It is always something new and great to hear. Yeah we have our moments where we say somethings to each other that normally if anyone else said that stuff we would get really angry, but we know that we really do not mean it, and that we are really good friends. Well enough about him, he already occupies enough of my time. Twenty minutes is a really long time to type, considering that the first time I did this my computer like froze or something when I pushed the finish button, which really made me mad. Well I also have this other friend named Matt, whom I have known since like sixth grade and have like since sixth grade. He goes to school here and we hang out a lot, but he has a girlfriend in New Jersey, whom I hear about every freakin day of my life. Oh well, nothing I can do about that. I really want to meet some more people. I have been here about two weeks and I have not really met that many people, which is kind of sad. I am used to having a lot of friends and a lot of friends to do stuff with all the time, and for the first time in my life I do not have a lot of friends and it is kind of depressing. I mean I have no trouble meeting people or even talking to random strangers, but when it comes to really becoming someone friend I am having a harder time than I thought I would. I know that I just need to give it some more time, I can not expect to make everlasting friends within two weeks. I give out that advice to a lot of people, but I do not ever really listen to the advicec myself. Wow, I have like seven minutes left and my left hand is really starting to cramp up and it is getting harder and harder to type as each secong passes. I really wish that this would just end. When you are told to type about what is going on inside your head, you really have trouble. I usually do not have any trouble telling people about things I think about. . Oh my gosh this is so random, but last night around four in the morning or something like that, I woke up with a major cramp in my left calf. It hurt so incredibly bad. I tried walking, but I couldn't. It hurt so bad that I was crying until it went away. Even though it only lasted a short period of time, the time that it did last was torturous. Anyways, back to the analization of how I can not write when someone tells me too. I really wonder how people can take what a person writes and interpret it to mean something totally random. I just find that absolutely bizzare. I do not think that I would ever have that ability. I have two meetingts to go to tonight, and I do not know how I am going to do this, because they are both at the same times. Yay I am getting excited because I only have like two and a half minutes left to go. This really shows you how long twenty minutes is. I always thought that it was a really short time, but when you have to do something like this where you watch the time tick by, you are able to see that twenty minutes is a real long time. I really do not like Mondays and Wednesdays. I do not like the fact that I have classes in the morning and then I have a huge break, and then I have classes in the afternoon. We had open door night last night, and our room won cutest runner up. I do not know who won cutest overall, but we were happy with what we got. It is finally about to come to and end and my hands are in a lot of pain and will be relieved when they do not have to type anymore. Well less than thirty seconds and it is all over. I am way pumped over here.

1

1

1

1

1

31

Okay, here we go. I am going to type continuously for 20 minutes. I don't know how I can do this considering that I type pretty fast and also I am in the UGL and the keys are making quite a loud clicky noise with each letter that I type. Oh well, no one seems to be listening. I am really tired right now and all I can think about is sleeping soundly in my comfortable bed. drifting into a relaxing deep sleep. IT'S ONLY BEEN ONE MINUTE! I can't do this for that long. I have nothing interesting on my mind. hmmmmm I had a fun time last night. I got in at 6 in the morning. IF only my mother could see me now. that's the latest I've ever gotten in. am I typing loud? I don't want to do this anymore. I am very nervous about people looking over my shoulder right now at this very instant reading at the ridiculous things that I am typing. bored bored bored bored. I miss my friend jennifer a lot. we talked earlier this week and she said she would call me back. but she never did. today in Barnes and noble I was by myself looking at books and saw one that reminded me of jennifer and I really felt like bursting out in tears right there in the middle of that bookstore. somehow I held it back. hell right now I want to cry. I really miss all of my Dallas friends like so much. we've been through everything together and it's like we're drifting apart. I guess it's inevitable, though. I mean I've seen it a thousand times in films: the classic high school seniors move away to college scenario. but I never thought that it really would be this hard. I'm living on my own. I am my own mother now. That's pretty damn scary! I think I'm responsible though. I've always been able to manage my time wisely. Even my mom agrees with that. IT'S ONLY BEEN 3 MINUTES. or 4 maybe. I really like this guy I met. like really. it's just something about him. and it's so disenchanting that he's playing hard to get with me. I'm a very sensitive person with not a lot of dating experience, so games are not my idea of fun. I hope he's not looking over my shoulder right now. I'm really paranoid right now. I don't want him to see that I'm writing about him for this. god, if he saw this he would freak out. he probably thinks I'm stalking him anyway. I'm really not. I think I am inventing things in my head. I do that a lot. I can't believe I'm writing all this out for this assignment. oh well, this is probably not even going to be read by anyone. Well, hopefully not. I mean this is pretty boring stuff, teenager's brains. YIKES! so okay it's given that this will not be read. at least I am assuming that it is. So, with that in mind I really am open to write whatever the hell I want to write. This is for my benefit, in essence. Like a diary entry that you turn in for a grade. Not typical, but hey it happens. oh god! I really like that guy. I hope he shares something like that about me. he said he'll call me tomorrow. maybe. he did say maybe. then he said maybe Tuesday. Hell, I'm sick of waiting around for this guy. I always do this. I cling on so fast to people I'm interested in even after just meeting them. It's like I have a onetrack mind and it's all I can think about. That's pretty scary, huh? Wow I just scrolled up and I've written a lot. A lot of really boring stuff too. He probably won't call tomorrow. Who am I kidding? I can't keep doing this to myself. It's really unhealthy. I just want to cry after realizing this. It's such a horrible thing. I am putting this guy up on a pedestal is that how you spell it? and like if he messes up just a little bit, then I think that he hates me and I'm just this horrible person. God I say the stupidest things around him sometimes. I'm so concerned with trying to impress him that I just end up saying stupid things. that he won't even remember, but I am again blowing it out of proportion. Who am I kidding, I need to get my mind off this guy. but grrrrr! everyone now compared to him just doesn't seem to measure up. Like everyone I meet, I hold off on just for that rare chance that I might get to date this guy. I am a weird person. I am still paranoid about people looking over my shoulder. It feels like the whole world is scrutinizing me. Whoa that's scary. I love embellishing in my selfpity. it's so encouraging. NOT REALLY. wow the whole lab is completely silent except for my really loud typing. I feel like each letter I type is a clap of thunder booming and echoing into the distance. time is like momentarily slowed down and every thunder clasp is loudly emphasized. Wow, my 20 minutes are almost up. How did that go so fast? What did I write about? I can't even remember. I really don't want to look back at what I wrote either because I'm sure it's just the same thing over and over again. but I'm sure I will look back at it in just a second. well, if anyone is reading this, I envy your patience. until next time. That is all.

1

1

0

0

1

25

I am overwhelmed with lots of work. Yesterday was very productive, and I intend for today to be the same way. I have no history to work on but I have to work on some Latin and some astronomy and go to a help session. I need to call Andrew and see if he wants to go see Thomas in College Station this Sunday. I hope he wants to do that because I want to be here on Saturday so that I can watch the football game in Austin and spend time with Matthew and study Saturday. I need to eat some lunch soon but I have some things I need to get done before that. The lawn mower outside is very annoying, and I hate that there seems to never be a good time of the day for people to mow lawns. Last year they would start the mowers at 7 when I was sleeping and it bugged the hell out of me. There is a party on 6th tonight that I might go to but I am not sure of that, because I don't really like the group of people that are going. I don't want Matthew to go to that party in North Austin because he will end up staying there, and that makes me uncomfortable. This guy is going to Acc and his parents are going out of town so he is having a party. That sounds a little bit like high school to me. The people I have met from ACC just don't seem to have work ethic and I just don't understand how someone could not want to try their best to get far. I have noticed that there are many people at this school that don't think twice when they speak up, thoughts are never concluded when people begin to speak. There is too much individualism, people only want to listen to themselves talk. We live in a society where people are obsessed with themselves. I find that in history very few people make educated assumptions when reading literature. They pawn off what the professor says and act like it is their own words. I love Bob Dylan, people always ask him what his lyrics mean and he always just says " oh, their just words". Its great, I love it. I need to call my mommy today cause she called me last night, I saw this dog on campus today with its owner and it made me miss Emma at home. I love that dog, she is so cute, I swear she has human tendencies. I just miss coming home this summer and coming home to a dog that is so happy to see you. I love dogs so much, I can't wait to be able to have my own. Aww, my computer has been making the most annoying sound in the world lately, and I can't stand it, it is just this sound that keeps on going, never gets worse or better, it just lulls, and drives me crazy. I hate this place so much sometimes. there is too much estrogen in this building, and the fact that guys are only allowed on the weekends kills me. Why can't my brother come up here during the week, I just don't get it. It is so old fashioned. I understand they want it to be a learning environment conducive to studying, but millions of college kids live in places where sexes can mingle and people make their grades. yesterday felt like my true beginning of the semester. I had a full day of academics. I started around 8 and didn't finish till around 12, and I went to sleep so exhausted that I had no trouble falling asleep. But, I wake up in the morning with my back so sore. I don't know if all this work is just stressing me and giving me pains in my body, I don't know. I just know it isn't' from working out, cause I haven't done that in a while. I am perfectly fine with my appearance at the moment, I haven't gained any weight in a long time, and I don't want to let myself. Last year I gained like 5 pounds and I hated myself for it, but luckily I lost it. I need to take more pics and get that battery charged, it is annoying that my dad has that charger. I wont go home until Texas v ou so I won't get it until then, damn. I really want the fall to come, where the days are always in the 60's and 70's it is such beautiful weather, and no humidity so my hair doesn't go crazy on me. Arg, I just need to pace myself today, I don't want to be doing work late tonight, I want to finish around 8 or something, that would be nice.

0

1

1

0

1

13

It feels like more time has passed and that my life has been turned upside down. Not too badly upside down, but it is definitely different. I had friends come home this weekend and I loved seeing them, but I also realized that college is different for all of us. I noticed changes in my friends that didn't affect our friendships but nonetheless were there. I loved having friends home, knowing I had people to go out with and overall just having a blast. But- it just reinforced the distance between us once they left. I love college and all the new people I've met- I just haven't had the time yet to make the kind of friends I had in high school. I understand this, but it's frustrating to go from always having 10 people to call and talk to down to maybe 4 or 5. I met some people at the Longhorn game on Saturday and it was awesome! I just hope that that will keep occurring and soon enough I will have those close friendships with people in college. My friends and I also talked for quite a while last night about one of our friends who went to West Point. I've realized that I miss him but at the same time have mixed feelings about that sense of loss. In so many ways I wish he were here but I know that wouldn't be right. It doesn't make it any easier, just a little bit more complicated. I'm also trying to get over my frustration of living at home this year. I feel like out of 50,000 students, I am the only one staying at home with my parents. In so many ways it's not too bad, but when I go out with friends and they can do whatever, come home whenever and so on it makes me realize how much freedom I'm missing out on. A lot of it is that I am sad that I don't have the advantage of meeting people in a dorm and making new friends that way. It's also hard because so many of the people I am friends with are all living on campus and so it's a lot easier for them to get together than it is for me to get together with them. Anytime I have to come up to campus it's at least 20 minutes and a hard time finding a parking place. It just sucks because that's really the only thing I don't like about my college experience so far. It always makes me laugh when they talk about the freedom from your parents that college brings because I don't have that. This is an awful long time to write. I don't really know what else I have floating around in my head and I still have 10 minutes. School work is starting to kind of scare me. It's like oh I have a test in 3 weeks so I don't need to worry about it now and then I know that all of a sudden 3 weeks are going to have passed and I'm not going to be prepared. I love not going to all of my classes everyday. It makes it seem less difficult. The one thing that really sucks about my schedule is the fact that I have these huge breaks between classes. On Wednesdays and Mondays I have 3 hours between classes and 1. 5 between 2 others. The worst part is that I don't know what to do with the time and I can't go to my dorm because I don't have one. I'm starting to hope that the next writing assignment isn't to explain your feelings about college because that's what I've done in this one so I might be stuck at the computer for awhile next time. I'm listening to the Titanic soundtrack right now. I've been listening to it a lot lately. I think it's because it's pretty relaxing and it calms me down. The music is beautiful and it makes me think of the movie. I went to see Titanic twice. The first time the movie cut off in the last part of the movie. It totally ruined the effect and it really sucked because they turned all the lights on and well, you can just imagine. 5 more minutes. I'm really glad that I didn't have to work today. I feel sorry for the people who did have to go up to work on our first school holiday. I work up at the recreation center on campus and I love it. The people there are really cool and now there are some people who are my age. This summer when I worked there, there was no one under the age of 21 except for me. It made it kind of weird because they were all in a stage of life that I had no idea about and won't for at least another 3 years. One of my friends from high school works there and I like having her there. I hate the fact that we don't work together, but hey that's the way life goes. I wish I had more hours simply because that would be something for me to do with my down time on campus. Two more minutes. I never realized how long 20 minutes could be. I've found email to be quite handy with friends because I can email my side of a conversation in about 5 minutes instead of having to go through the pain of writing a letter, putting it into the mail and sending it. I have no mailbox so it makes it even more difficult to mail a letter because I have to go all the way to the post office. Whoever thought of neighborhood community mailboxes with no drop box for outgoing mail needs to be laid off of his or her job. Well looks like my time here is done. I guess I have one more to do but not until tomorrow.

1

0

0

0

0

16

I hope I can make it to my next class on time. The pop up ads on my computer are getting very annoying. My throat hurts. I have to take a pill I got from health services. A little cold in here. It just got a lot darker. I have to turn in a maintenance slip so they'll change my light bulbs. Meningococcal vaccine today after chemistry. I shouldn't crack my knuckles. I wonder how my roommate can study so much. What does he have so much work in? I miss Andi. She is in New York right now with football players and lacrosse players all over her. It makes me angry. I hate being jealous, but I can't help it. No one else is online. I hope Andi will visit soon. I bet I'll go into a trance if I stare at this screen long enough. I won't fall asleep, I'll just kind of zone out. It got darker again. Why don't I notice when it gets light? I have to call Leslie from A Chi O and make sure she brings all the girls to our mixer tonight. I have to get to the gym. Out of shape. Only 6 minutes? wow. I'd better think more. I feel like a monk. I must block outside distractions and focus my energy inside. Darker again. There are monks in Tibet that can raise their body temperature by ten degrees or so just by meditating. The power of the mind! I have beach boys stuck in my head for some reason now. god that's irritating. Why is my back so stiff? I need to get more sleep. Mondays and Wednesdays suck, because I have to get up early. no tv and no beer make homer something something. The simpsons is a great show. It's slacked a little recently, but its still good. There, it got brighter. But slowly. I'm cold. I haven't had a single test yet. I wonder how hard they will be. Economics is so boring. Stream of consciousness. I should shave now. No time. I can't shave for two months! Damn fraternity. How can I type continuously if I'm not thinking anything? I think too much usually, but now, nothing. I overanalyze things. Or at least that's what my ex girlfriend told me. I think that I was just thorough. Oh well. It's just like, paranoia is just a heightened sense of awareness. That was in a movie, conspiracy theory, with Mel Gibson. I never saw it. Mel Gibson was on the simpsons once. Apparently his family is very anti-Semitic. I wonder what Andi is doing. Hey, doesn't the average guy in America think about sex once every 6 seconds or something? Every other line I should write, sex. " or just something gross and raunchy. oh well. sex. ha. I think girls are worse than guys, but no one knows it. I think if we put a microphone in a guys room and in a girls room, you'd be blown away buy what the girls say. crazy. sex. I hope I can see andi soon. She is busy with tennis. I want her to come. Ok, I'm done. Sex! haha

0

0

1

1

0

6

I usually don't let too many things get to me because I just want to enjoy life. I think that there are a lot of interesting and wonderful things that each person is offered in their life time and I think that it is a shame if people don't take advantage of the things that they are given. At this moment, I am happy and cheerful and I don't have anything that is bothering me. It rained today and I didn't like it, but I wasn't too upset about it because I figured that we could use the rain. It also felt cool outside so the rain really didn't bother me too much. I also have a lot of homework that I need to get done, but I think that I have handled the stress very well. Even though I have many different things to do, I have tried to pace myself and organize myself as to where I have less tension in my life. I try to organize myself based on what I think is convenient and this helps me be a more efficient person, and thus causes me to stay in a pretty good mood. During the past three weeks I have often thought about the new life that I live here at UT. It is completely different from high school, and even though it has taken a lot of adjustment on my part, I am beginning to see the benefits of college and I am beginning to enjoy myself a little more. At first I was really scared about attending college. I don't think it was anything specific about college, just the whole concept of moving away from home and being without the people that I love most in my life. But, since the beginning of school, I have been able to cope with this type of anxiety a little better and I feel that even though I have left home, I have a chance to start a whole new life here at UT. I will always be able to see the people that I love and I have accepted the fact that I will be able to see them whenever I want, and this has helped me in enjoying the college life better. There aren't very many different feelings that I usually feel in a day. For the most part, I am usually in a pretty good mood and I see myself as a fun person to be around. I try not to let the little things bother me, because I see so many people who let the small things in life ruin their entire day. My philosophy is why let one bad thing ruin all the good things that you have in life. This is why I usually try not to let too many things bother me or stress me out, it just takes all the fun out of life. I think that happiness is also a choice, people who are happy choose to be happy. They don't let too many things interfere in their lives and this helps them be happy with themselves, happy with those who are around them, and happy with the lives that they live. I choose to be happy everyday, and one of my short-term goals for each day is to end the day on a happy note. I think that it is important to end each day in a happy state of mind, otherwise your gloomy mood just carries over to the next day. When I have to evaluate my feelings, I would like to think that I am in a good mood most of the time and that people are happy to be around me. I enjoy making people's lives a little bit more fun for them. Being happy is a very important aspect of my life and I think that happiness will help me achieve my goals and it will help me lead a happy and prosperous life. I hope to be happy with myself and have others around me be happy with me as well. I think that happiness brings success in your life. I think that if one is happy, then he is successful as well.

0

0

1

1

1

7

I can't believe I am doing this. This homework is due on Friday. However, I am working on it instead of studying for some other assignments given by other professors. I am so behind right now. I didn't even read a page of psy yet. Why? It is all because my sis's bf lost his carkey!!! I left the book in his car on Friday. And the result of this? I have to wait till Monday 1AM. That's when he got his spare key from HOUSTON! My room is so not-neat right now. I need more time! I went to my sister's friend's apartment just now. His place is so messy. I guess the place that I live in is not bad at all. The psy class is so huge. I am in TIP classes. Most of the classes are not in the big auditorium. I am excited about being a college students. I met a lot of new people. People from different cities. There is a badminton club in UT Austin. I am joining it for sure. I love playing badminton. However, in my high school, we only played badminton during PE for a week or so. I wonder why people here don't like badminton that much. Bio is so interesting. I like chemistry too. However, there are some serious reading that need to be done at home. On top of all those, there are in-class quizzes and discussion that I have to attend. Where can I find all the time to do all the thing that need to be done? I am spending 20 minutes right now to complete an assignment that is not going to be due in a few days. Why am I doing this right now, at midnight? Am I crazy? I do need to get some sleep. However, if I get some sleep right now, I can never get my stuff done. I am going to take a hip-hop/funk dance class. I got my flight ticket back to Malaysia. I am so worried that I might have to cancel that flight when my bio professor said that the final is going to be on the 18th. I thought I might not be able to make it again. I had fun during critical thinking class. I mean, what is the purpose of taking critical thinking class? I do not get it. However, the class is pretty relaxing--so far. I wonder what the exam is going to be like. What about chemistry? How is the exam going to be like? I met some of my siser's friends. I met some new friends as well. I am still seeing some of my old friends. However, we don't see each other that often since we all have different classes on different time and date. On top of that, I have some friends that don't go to UT Austin. I want to go to San Marcos. I want a handbag. I bought myself a wallet. I went to Urban Outfitters. I will go broke if I keep on shopping. I don't shop that much. I don't really like going to mall. My sister loves going to mall. I think going to mall just to LOOK for stuff to buy is a waste of time. I would not do that unless I am extremely bored. Sometimes I like to buy artistic stuff. Am I artistic? I don't think so. I doubt it. I don't see myself as a creative person. I love sciences and maths. Those are my favorite subjects. I totally dislike government, history, geography, etc. I think psychology is interesting---so far it seems to be. I am all worn out. I had been up since 8:30 in the morning until right now. I had a really busy schedule. I want to go to my friend's apartment and start karaoke-ing. Is this the right spelling? No one will know anyway. I want to go back to Houston and see what's going on over there. I want to see my friends in Houston/Sugar Land once again. I want to go to Malaysia and start shopping. I want to go to Hong Kong and eat those delicious food. I need to get my homework done. So much to do, so little time. People who live right next to my apartment are kind of noisy. They party like almost every night. I totally understand that since this is Austin and all of them are UT students. I am just telling the truth here. No offense to anyone. Who will disagree on that? I want to sleep now. But I still need to write more and then do more reading. I don't want to be a know-nothing person when I go to bio lecture tomorrow. I can't believe I write that much in this short amount of time. I hate writing. Writing is not my strong part at all. I like to eat. I want to eat sushi right now. Korean food will do too.

0

1

1

0

0

12

my mom is so silly or mabey it is th eway I say them she just gets things wrong. But I love her and dad and sister they just anoy me. She tells me too much info and I get kind of too rude. Like the homecoming thing oh I am so glad that I got a rideI don't know If I should tell them or not. godd thing I get to see Dave soon I miss him so bad I have to go to the dang chem review I am going to get so hungry take a snak. Good thing Stephanie is gone so that I can concentrate and think. I need to look up the bus routes. I need to also take a typing class I'm am in college now time to grow up. I am so shaky from the vitamins toosensitive to stimulants. I relly do hope that i lose weight that will impress Dave an dpossibly his friends good, time 2;37 I am so glad that I got an e-mail back from Casey relieved because she is so nice after I opened up I still need to hear back from shelly this is a good time to do this because of the energy . The class is so great because I have had it already But it is my chance to make the A that I desired . apples nutition so so good too I already know the material. I need to go swimming even if it makes me fat. kt I need to call her sometime soon htis is so wierd I can't really tell if I mean to say whatever or it just comes to my head this jus tcame to me. I am glad that this is not strict because of all th emisspelled words. Oh a baggie for the pills I need to remember. My bike I hope that it doese not rust in the rain good time s Casey I t would be the same if we had a sleepover like good times every one would be hilarious like Mrs Ward yeah you know silly. those kid s were cut e. I will probobaly be like my mom like when I was growing up. man that girl is skinny I wonder how much she eata Big is beautiful. Too bad that I did not get to see Tamara. I a =m going to be nineteen soon sat will I get preasant . It is toobad I can't look ut the screen and type at the same time I never learned Oh I love spanish I should major in it Dave should give me anouther ring this time diaomond I can not spell I hope punctuation does not matter too much. I think htat I could have fun decorating an apartment tlike cute artsy. Flowers there would have to be dried flowers oh the rain Stephanie enjoy ti so much she is crazy. The board is gettin g hard to touch I can not believe the time went by soooo fast call mom

1

1

1

1

0

30

As I start my third semester at UT, I feel both excited and a little overwhelmed at once. First of all, I'm excited because this is probably the first semester that I feel truly comfortable with my life here. I am living with my sister which is so good for me. We get along really well and I really enjoy spending as much time with her as I can. Also, my exboyfriend is at UT with me now. He is now one of my best friends and it means so much to me that we are able to spend so much time together now. But fortunately the time that we did not spend together last year (because he was still in high school) was good for me as well. It enabled me to find out who I was before and become a more independent person before he came to join me here at UT. Because of our time apart, I made lots of new friends and was able to have a lot of fun even without him. So, this year, I not only have him with me, but I also have all the friends that I made last year so that I don't depend only on him. My best friend, unfortunately is not in such a good situation. Her boyfriend came to UT this year as well, but because he was away from her last year, she spent very little time at UT meeting new people and getting to know the campus and the city. She spent most of her time in Houston visiting him. As a result, this year, she spends all of her time with her boyfriend and associates with very few other people. Although, I know that she's really happy right now that her boyfriend is here with her, I realize that if something happens to her relationship with him, she will be left with very few friends to turn to. Since she made such little effort last semester to develop such friendships, I fear that she will feel really isolated if she is left without him. She barely even talks to me much anymore because she is so involved with him. But I try to hold this against her because I know that she is not trying to ignore me, but she just really enjoys spending time with her boyfriend. But other than that, I'm really happy with my social situation right now. It is a really good thing that I have this support of all my friends at this time, because I realize that this is probably going to be one of the hardest semesters of my college career. I am taking 4 architecture classes in addition to this psychology class. Three of these classes involves building models, drawing orthographics, and designing. Two of them involve large amounts of reading and writing papers. In the first week, I already am swamped. Although I know myself well enough to know that I will definitely finish all my projects, somehow I still stress out about them a bit, just thinking of all the work that they will involve and worrying about how many latenighters I will have to pull (especially when I think of the fact that I have 8:00 classes every day of the week!). And I would love to work this semester to earn some money to pay for all the projects that I will have to build because I know how expensive they get. But, I realize that with the huge load I have so far, working is almost impossible for me. If I could have my way though, I would work at a restaurant in town. I worked at Pappasito's over the summer and I really loved waiting tables. I met so many great friends and it was fun meeting new guests and serving them. I think the reason I loved it so much was definitely because of all the people I met. There were mostly guys that I worked with and they were all so friendly to me. We would always talk during the shifts and then go out for drinks after work. I got to know lots of them very well and even dated one for sure. It was really great meeting people that in many ways were very different than me. It gave me new perspectives and taught me new things about myself.

1

1

1

1

0

30

Hi, when I think of this type of writing I think of a project that my little sister did once. she is very interested in psycology and writing. for a class she had to do this and I thought it was very strange. right now I am watching the cowboys game. they suck. i love football, but the cowboys have lost all respect as a team because of the actions of their players. Troy Aikman is kind of cute and Emmit Smith is a really nice guy but all the others don't really impress, it is half time right now. My boyfriend plays football for St. marks. I love him because he is my best friend and he is so sweet to me. My friends keep giving me crap because we talk to each other all the time, but I can't imagine not talking to him. Last night at the Pike BBQ thing, Jerry Jeff Walker played and that was cool, except that I had cramps and felt bad and Wes had not called so I was mifted. I knew that he was having fun wiht the boys, but I still wanted to hear from him, I am not sure that I am doing this assignment correctly because it is hard to just write what comes to mind, you know. I fell like I am typing this to someone who is going to read it and so I don't know what to put. I am so tired right now. I went to church this morining with a friend of mine who made me go. (I told her to make me go) The pastor talked about dying and how our spiritual goal in life is to die. I had issues with that; I don't think I was as openminded as I could have been because I was tired and hungry and grumpy and I had not talked to WEs this morning. My roommates phone is ringing, I like my roommate a lot , but when he phones ring all night it can be annoying, We are having fun together though she likes to party a little more than I do. That's okay. I am not that big of a party girl and I think that my friends think I am a party pooper. Oh well, I did not party hard in high school so why start now. I know how to have fun, but I came here to get an education, so studying an dmaking my grades is the most important. my best friend kathleen went to Harvard and she has not called me or talked to me yet. I like her but sometimes she can be very difficult to talk to I think that she was very jealous of my relationship wiht Wes. I am tired adn bored oh well There are some very ood commercials on the television. I know we weren't supposed to correct our typing, but I am a perfectionist. That is a major character flaw I am not that bad any more, however I am editing this little paper as I go, I mean that I am just correcting my spelling, I wish that I knew how to type really fast, liek super fast. wes thinks that I am Super Fine like the sugar I bought to put in my tea. Wow dallas is getting their butts kicked I normally would cuss a little in describing the cowboys, but I don;t knonw if that is appropriate for this assignment, I guess it does not matter one damn bit because it is not like anyone will read this. Anyway, Our pledge retreat was fun, okay this tyoing thing sucks. I have no idea what I am thinking. that is what I am thinking I get to go home and see wes's football game against Kinkaid. I hope that they win. okay why the hell has he not called me yet. this is very frustrating I know that he is busy but I would like to hear from him YEA only one more minute. kick ass. I love that phrase It is fun to say. My roommates phone keeps beebing and it is driving me crazy, well not really but that was just something to type. okay time is up bu-bye I like that way of saying bye, The red skins just scored, okay really bu-bye this time.

0

0

0

0

1

1

When I got online tonight I was prompted with an instant message from an unknown person. The person, aka MuffinCheeseqn, asked me if they remembered me from last night. Last night! Last night I was with Sarah, my roomie, watching Shrek! I was totally freaking out. I was telling Sarah that I had a stalker! This "MuffinCheeseqn" kept telling me that they were beginging to get to know me better so they wanted me to keep talking to them. Talk about freaky! Well finally a message box came up stating that it was one of my friends that had played a joke on me. What a friend! It ended up being my roomie's cousin! 'Lil punk! Anyhoo, that made my night though. I've been over at my friend Danny's dorm working on a computer science program that is due tomorrow. I've been there since 5! I don't like the first program and I'm majoring in CS! What was I thinking! They should have a major in learning the ABCs! Oh man its only been 5 minutes. Man, I think Sarah needs to be quiet so I can concentrate on this writing assignment! lol! So Sarah has some pretty cute guys in her classes! I've seen some although she has failed to introduce me to them! OO I just remembered that I need to finish the pre-screening for the experiment requirements cause I really don't want to write a five page paper! I'm not very good at writing papers. Obviously! I'm not very good at calculus either. Although, today I actually understood something in my calculus discussion class! I probably will have trouble applying it to my homework problems though. Oh my gosh. I have a calculus midterm on FRIDAY! well next Friday. I have to do some major studying this weekend. This weekend my parents will be out of town. It will be the last time my parents can take a vacation for a year. My mom just got a new job! Yeah for my mom! She's been really therefore leaving my mom was out of a job. So we were living off of my dad's salary which isn't enough to pay all the bills. Thankfully my parents savings saved up but still taking a little every month will eventually end in 0. My mom looked for a job for almost 3 months before she just got hired last week. She doesn't have a college degree so that made it hard for her to find a job. That's why she wants me to get an education. She doesn't want me to. Sarah needs to shut up! She just walked into my room. OH MY GOSH she's singing the Fresh Prince of Bel Air Song! lol She just read what I wrote. OH MY GOSH now she's playing her mello. She's in the longhorn band. She's a big band nerd. I was once a band nerd. I played the sax! Wow I have like two minutes left! Well right now I'm feeling. Hungry! Obviously my thoughts are everywhere! Good-bye!

0

0

0

0

0

0

Right now I am a little worried that I am not doing this right because I don't really know what I am suppose to be writing about. Well, I am excited because my best friend, Courtney, is going to be in Austin in about two hours. She started school in Waxahachie about two weeks ago and I haven't seen her since then. We are going to the lake tomorrow and Labor Day and I can't wait. I love going to the lake with Courtney because her grandma has two jet skis and she lets us use them as much as we want. I am excited about school starting. I have always planned on coming to UT, but I never thought the day would ever actually come. All my classes seem okay and all my teachers seem very nice and helpful. I think that I will do pretty well in all my classes this semester, but next semester I am going to have to take a nursing 310 class and the main part of the grade will be based on a major speech that I have to give. I hate giving speeches. I always think that I'll do okay, but when get up to give the speech I start to shake and sweat. I am getting better at it though. I believe that the more you do something like that the better you get at it. My freshman year in high school I was terrified of getting up in front of the class. I would be shaking so bad they could hardly understand what I was saying. It was also hard to play my flute solos in front of my band class. During my junior year I was getting better and had more confidence in myself and during my senior I played at region band and almost made district. I also performed skits and memorized a Shakespeare sonnet and recited it in front of the class. I am glad that it has gotten easier for me, but it is still difficult for me to stand up and give speeches in front of people that I don't know very well. It's not as hard for me if it is in front of people that I know well or my family and friends. I just feel like people that I don't know are staring at me and judging me or something. Now I just try to forget about that and try to focus on what I have to say. As a nurse I will have to deal with people a lot. I enjoy talking to people one on one, but I will probably eventually have to teach others or give speeches so I will have to overcome my fears and realize that it is really not that big of a deal. I hope that by the time I graduate college I will have no problem speaking in front of people and that I might even enjoy it.

1

1

0

0

0

24

well I don't know what to say but I think I should start by sayin I'm really beginning to appreaciate the little things of life. I always have but learning about the body is facinating. the brain especially. there have been times when I feel things and wonder, but I'm now getting some answers due to this book. the class we havnt learned much but the book I've gone ahead. i think about all kinds a things. mostly music and social justice. besides psyc, I got bio which is boring so far but I know I like it . my other classes r mexican american study classes which are all intertwing, or overlap. i think college is coo so far, but for other people I'm sure its harder for others. u se e I've always pretty much been alone, besides my mom. my parents divrced when I was 3, and ever since then my father figures have been in a almost constant shuffle. from my stepdad, to my uncle, to a rapper that I consider my biggest influence, and the last 15 years later my dad. i feel alota anger deep down but have always been able to control it. most of the time but we all have outlashes I guess. now I am just starting to reach a stable state,,I'm here finally,,no more anticipation,,I'm off weed and drinking,,but the main issues are always family and my lady. shes still in san jose, ca where I'm from. i don't know if I should be faithful or what but I think so. weve talked about a lot a things in our year together and I've taen a lot a shit out onher. i miss every1 a lot but I'm a strong person that can overcome it. always have. adversity is a part of my life that I take in stride. u have too. i see all these others here adapting and hardly any look happy,,they look all fake but maybe its just cuzz I'm on the outside just the way I like it. i'm a chicano here and it seems 90% are all white and 5% asian, 4% black , and 1% other. i also don't like it cuzz I havent really been far from campus cause no car and its to hot to take the bus. I love the bus cause I get to see all the poor people that I love associating wiht. the other homeboys and girls in the struggle or the older mexicans. u can learn a lot from talking to strangers or just observing. thats what I've always done at home and I look forward to doing it here. thats y I came here instead of miami,,cause theres mexicans here. i got a lota pride and love for my people. thats y sometimes my relationship tears me apart. my lady is white. i don't know how it happened,,we started as nothing and ended up being perfect. but llike everyhting I think theres a reason and I know if its meant to be I can work through it. i liked the part of the text that talked about anger and the balence of hapiness we all achieve,,,money doesn't make any1 better. in y opinion its almost like it makes potentially good people worse. but theres always exceptions. power is the other main curropter. or do people currupt power,,,who knows. i've always known that sensations were the vary things to guide ur life. they come from somewhere and I couldnt say where. i think god. gods everywhere. i don't go to church but in my heart I'm going the right direction, doing the right things. thats y u feel what u feel. ur direction and what u want to become. people don't realize that. and sometimes unfortuanatly people are very impressionable. especially in our society, putting aside color, gender, socioeconomic, everything,,,theres very few people that fight through it. i know iam 1 but I also know its harder to stay on top than just getting ther . i look forward to proving that I belong here

0

0

0

1

1

3

I just clicked the go button for this writing assignment for psychology and I just almost misspelled psychology. It is amazing how I can't spell psychology and how I still stumble on spelling it on the keyboard, psychology, I just did it again. At the beginning and before this page there was a precautionary note that said if people were insecure about their confidentiality. It is just an assignment, what could possibly go wrong. The teacher or TA will steal your identity! If they do they some students should sue. That is weird. I can't believe I just wrote that. I am writing this assignment now because I have some spare time and the writing assignment is due on Friday. I do not even know when I would have done this assignment. I have free time because my computer science class was, I guess canceled. I hope it was canceled because I hate missing class. It feels as if I am missing some knowledge that is necessary for my brain. I hate when I am unsure if class is actually canceled. Added to that, I hate when people are still in class sitting in the room waiting for class to start. Those students make me uncomfortable because it seems as if they know (they don't) that we actually have class. I am in the computer lab typing this writing assignment and I do not know what else to write about. Let's think. I am thinking. Okay, I am in the corner, near corner of the computer lab and I am typing. Oh yeah, speaking of writing assignments, my architecture writing assignment is going to be difficult because my TA wants us or prefers that we use Chicago style in our papers. When he asked us if anyone did not know how to use Chicago everyone was quiet and a huge pregnant pause was present. It is weird that teachers still do not understand that if students are quiet when they ask a question, nobody knows the answer. It is weird. I am now thinking if I am even doing this assignment correctly. It seems as if I am "tracking my thoughts" of this past week. I hope I still get credit for this class. I don't even know this class is hard or easy yet. Maybe I should reply that girl who mass emailed everyone and say that we should start a study group. A study group would hopefully help me learn more about this subject. I hope I can pass this class because as much as it is interesting I don't think I can sit through more of the same demos or demonstrations. The experimental requirement is pretty cool. I am almost done and I am happy about that. I don't have to write a 5 page research paper. Yeah! Writing research papers can be a hassle. Calculus is progressing fast and I am sort of surprised that I am grasping the notes real well. I am understanding Calculus, weird. Even though it is my major I still think that I should be able to be better than what I have been doing for that class. Thirteen minutes and whatever seconds, is how long I have been typing so far. This is sort of getting tiring. I wonder how psychologists interpret this writings. I can't wait to read what the explanation for this writing assignment is. I think it would be cool if one of our tests was just writing this kind of stuff. "Write what is on you Mind for 20 minutes". That would be weird. It would be a completion test grade, which would be cool. I think I have 4 more minutes, and it is weird that I said 'think' because I can not subtract and I am a math major. Well my calculus professor said that he has problems with simple arithmetic also so I am not that worried. It always reassures me that teachers/professors have the ability to forgot simple things like that. It makes myself better. I can't wait for this timer to be over. I am waiting and I am just typing stuff down. I have 2 minutes left so when I am done with this minute I will have 60 seconds left. So, yeah. Time is dwindling down. I wonder how many people are doing this assignment right as I am doing this assignment. What will I do after this. Oh yeah I have to read for my next class. Wait! I have to read for this class. I can't believe I for got, I need to read for this class after my music class.

1

0

1

1

0

22

Why do they make us do this? Do they want to figure out what thought leads to the next? Like the autistic people where their thoughts lead them to the next, but only one leads to the next, perhaps a smell or feeling or emotion. I wonder what those people feel. I wonder if they are deprived of some of the things we are. I remember hearing that they can do brilliant things, compose symphonies and paint incredible things, but need help to button their shirt. Wasn't that movie starring Robin Williams who tried to no that wasn't it. I don't remember who starred in it. Maybe it was someone who looked like Robin Williams didn't we watch that movie in eighth grade? The one about the people who didn't react to normal stimulants? The ones who tossed the ball around from one person to the next, but didn't engage in conversations? Engage that's a good word. My roommates and I were talking about funny words the other day. Pami thought that "fib" was a good word, and there was something else I said by the elevator. It might have been. enthralled, That was it! I remember now. I love great words. If I could have an extensive vocabulary, I think perhaps I would be taken more seriously. There was a cabdriver tonight that knew a lot of big words. I asked him to write one of my papers. What was he doing driving a cab? Can't he find some other occupation that suits him better. Maybe he likes to meet people. Perhaps he finds it interesting to encounter different personalities. Why can't he get a better job? There have to be much better things to do. But what about that movie American Beauty where Kevin Spacey quit his job and started to flip burgers that was a good movie. Maybe that's what made him happy. To do jobs that don't require a truck load of thought. But then again he found out that his wife was cheating on him. That really sucks. I would never do that kind of thing to my boyfriend. That's downright mean. What kind of girl would do that? There's no way in hell anyone would ever find me doing that and speaking of stupid things, what about suicide? Why do people do that, or rather why would they ever think about it. That is so selfish. If I ever found out my friends were thinking about it I'd beat them into the ground. What would make them think that there is nothing left in the world for them? Do they think no one loves them or cares for them? I just don't get it. What a stupid thing to think or consider. Some people have real problems. I had a conversation like this with my kickboxing instructor one time. It was after the cardio kickboxing class and I was talking with him. I don't know how we got on the subject, but he told me this story about one of the guys that used to go there a first degree black belt and he committed suicide. In fact, I knew the family. The mom actually helped me with this paper I was writing for my really tough English teacher. Little did I know that not only was my English teacher tough, he was brilliant. I have such a great respect for that man. Some day, when I make it big and the word is "when" because it will happen I'm going to send him a shit load of money for retirement. I have so many plans for when I get older. I'm going to start a scholarship in my name and all this other grand stuff that I can't think of right now. Oh look at that, the time is up. catch you later.

0

1

0

1

0

10

Although overall, I am having the time of my life, finally being away from home and family and finally free from parental restrictions, it's not all fun. I'm actually on my own. I can't believe it - for the first time, I won't have my parents to rely on everything for. I'll have to take on so much more responsibility for myself. And I think I'm prepared for it too, which is a very good feeling. Even though I've made soo many new friends (and some enemies), it's not the same anymore. I don't know if that's good or bad, but it's just different. I still would've preferred going to the college I wanted to go to, Columbia U. I guess I'm still angry at my parents for not letting me go out of state. oh well, I'll just have to accept it. Right now it's late, almost midnight. I am tired and I have so much to say right now but I just can't get it all out. most of what I think about nowadays is what my future will be like and what I actually want to pursue in my education. Do I really have the commitment to study medicine? What am I going to major in? I'm just full of doubts about myself sometimes. A lot of my motivation comes from my desire to just be successful and happy in life. Right now my parents are preparing for their trip to India. They haven't been there in 2 years. I feel so distant and alienated from my relatives over there. Somehow I feel my parents' families resent me because I was actually born in America. Also, I don't really feel "indian. " I am American in the full sense of the word. That's been a huge conflict I've had with myself -- my ethnic identity. The indian community I have lived with tends to separate itself from other cultures, an idea which I dislike. So I find my self associating more with people of other races, which is terrific for me. However, I find myself separated often from people of my own heritage because I act different. I don't always hang out with Indian people. In fact, I rarely do. Strangely, it's a good feeling, knowing that my identity was developed by ME, not by the culture of some country my parents happened to live in less than half their lives. I don't know why I can be so bitter about this subject. I guess I just resent the idea of the Indian culture trying to shape my life. I am about ME, not about being Indian. Ok now that I'm getting into this stream of consciousness thing, I'm going to complain about something else. How about religion? I am very proud of the fact that I am a christian. However, my parents don't seem to believe I am religious because I do not shout and jump and down and speak in tongues and faint at church services. I am more of a reserved person, and my parents don't seem to recognize that. It's the same way with the Indian church I used to go to. I left that church because basically everyone there was a hypocrite. Church, to them and especially for my dad, was something to make themselves look good. As long as they pretend they were holy and righteous, they were in good standing with the indian community. I couldn't stand it so I left for a better church. Spiritually I am thriving and growing with christ, and it's been such a blessing for me. Right now, my roommate is out partying and I'm stuck in my room sick and my legs hurt. funny, I don't really feel lonely. I actually like being by myself. With others sometimes I feel like I have to act like I'm someone else. Alone, I can actually be myself. my hands hurt and they are tired now, but I feel like typing more. I wonder if people think I'm some kind of nerd or recluse. I hate when people assume that about me since I'm not a party person and I do well in school. I really am different from most people, and I like that about me. When I get married and have kids (IF I even want to have kids), that's something important I want to teach them -- to develop themselves as individuals, not part of a group. That's what the problem is today with gangs or other kinds of cliques. people feel such a great need to belong to something or a group. not me. and I don't care what other people think. maybe I'm too proud of myself. who knows. if someone were to read this, they'd think I have no friends or something. nothing can be farther from the truth. I really do have a lot of friends. basically I look for some shred of intellect and personality in a person I want to befriend. So as I'm winding down writing all the thoughts that my brain is oozing out, I have to express a couple feelings. I'm excited about my new beginning in life at UT. I'm still pretty apprehensive about my future and what my goals actually are. I know I am competent and capable of doing anything. before this starts to sound really gay, I think I must end this. ok no I wont, haha! I still have a little more to say. I am a night person. I don't know why. but I just love being awake at night, not in the daytime. it's so peaceful and quiet. it's a strange feeling knowing you're awake and alive and you are so energized while everyone else is sleeping. I feel like I can do things I couldn't do in the daytime because everyone would see me. I wonder what people think when they see me. are they repulsed by me or what? I know I'm not the most attractive person in the world, and that's a fact. I wonder how much less people think of me because I am fat. I am really trying to lose the excess pounds though. don't get me wrong -- I'm not dieting because of what other people think. I KNOW it's not healthy for me, and believe me, I intend to live a long healthy life, and I need to start. sometimes I feel I am less of a person because of my physical imperfections. I don't intend to be a statistic of the "freshman 15. " well, with all that said, I am ending this now.

1

1

1

0

1

29

I'm thinking about if I am going to get the job that I want at the PAC at the university it would suck if I didn't I am proud that the OTC called me for a job interview, they said my resume especially my volunteer work was impressive it makes me feel like I didn't waste my time during high school and this clock it makes me nervous so I can't type as fast and I keep having to go back and erase but I like pressure I thrive under it but I don't like time pressure and as for the apostrophes in words I do not like those because I am so used to using slang that I just do not type it anymore and I also hate having to capitalize my I's it makes me mad having to go back. Right now I feel a little stress because I am espcially behind on reading not on purpose but yesterday I had a meeting and I did not know it was going to last 2 hours and a half it threw me off schedule so all I could read was Biology which is another class I don't understand I never like science and getting up in the mornings at 8 does not help either I feel lost in that class it is so difficult I feel like I dumber than everyone else and this feels like a cry for help but it is not I just keep thinking about what Prof. Pennebaker said anyways that class sometimes makes me feel. Like screaming I guess but the Professor is nice he just goes so fast and everyone seems or pretends like they understand and typing on lap tops gets on my nerves because at home I had a divided keyboard the "flowy" ones and now I have this laptop and everything is squeezed together it makes me really nervous as for this assignment I like but I feel like I shouldn't say anything incriminating and there go the stupid I's and I forgort to put and apostrophe in shouldn't and the I messed me up again. Well forget it no more caps; the I's are going to be in lower case. Sometimes typing in slang gets to be a bad habit I need to get into the habit of typing properly again oh and this weekend I get to go home though I want to go to the game I have not boguht the sports package and I didn't feel like getting up really early to buy tickets some guy in my floor is selling the tickets for 50 dollars is that a lot I guess so maybe oh and my friend jeremy's a football player so I feel like I should go for him but I'm not going. Now I get to go home sit and do homework college is very stressfull maybe I'll get sick when I go home like Prof. Pennebaker said probably because I feel the migrane coming. I hate migranes I hate having to find a job hopefully I get a good one I have an interview on Tuesday I hope it goes well and that I make it on time because if not it is going to reflect poorly on my but the lady undestood. I wonder how the bus works I keep thinking of the bus stop and how the place is going to look like and of the bus bcause I have seen it once after running to the engineering building because I was late I saw the bus and I think you can only take it there which is kind of sucky but I will take a look around and see if that's how it works. Now I feel like I have run out of things to say I still have to do the experiment for this class I want to do the survey but since I am under 18 I have to get my moms signature and I feel like I should be happy about going home I mean excited to see my mom and my brother but it is like "huh" and I hope nothings happens like the bus doesn't break down or like it is "kidnapped' I know I worry too much but I don't want anything to happen even if it means that I have to do all the homework, I've been trying to check my spelling so this makes it easier on you guys, and what was I talking about I don't kno, I need to make friends me and my roommate get along but I need other friends and now I have 5 minutes left, what to write about anyways back to the making friends I saw wayne who went to my high school and seemed like a pretty smart Asian in the elevator today I feel bad for saying that but most asians are anyways the making friends the friends that I have are okay but I don't really relate to them why I don't kno I feel like they exclude me too much and they don't at least I hope they don't and if they do I don't well hope that they are doing it on purpose but still I have roughly 4 minutes left more like 3 because it is about to be 17 minutes the numbers on these computers are weird anyways well they are not really I am surprised I wrote this much I thought I was going to run out of this to say but I like this assignment when Prof. Pennebaker said it I was like yes no grammar rules I don't particularly like grammar but I try I mean I suck at it in my papers I always score low on it 2 minutes and I have mentioned my time too many times I tried not to look at the clock at the beginning and I did nto so now I keep talking about NOT because I want the assignment to be ove but because some one just slammed their door my head hurts I think it is the flourescent lighting I think that is how u spell that and I just put the letter u for the word you and I am kind of hungry and the clock is winding down and I keep typing faster kind of scared oh well you can keep typing oh my gosh I thought it was over but I am going to stop now because a I don't want to talk for too long and I have to go turn of this light and I am thinking about what I just wrote and what u guys are thinking or will think when u read it and all the noise in the background and if I should put my name at the bottom but I won't because I have the code thing. well this was productive and I did not put well in caps.

0

1

0

1

1

11

Why can I not think of anything to type the moment when I click the start link? This is so weird, I just hungry everytime after I am done showering. Why is that? Is it because while I am showering my body also takes the food away from my stomach? I wonder why my feet are so smelly even though I have already taken a shower. My roommate seems to be busy all the time and never seem to have any time to chill or hang out with me and some other people. I think that guy in the SPE meeting today was pretty cute. Hopefully I will be able to meet him sometime. Wow, it is getting pretty late right now and I am getting a little bit sleepy. I took the Pretesting for the psychology required experiment testing and it was really long! It was so detailed that I was about to give up and continue it some other time and go to sleep instead. Man, I really don't know what to do about Calculus. I seem to be struggling in all of my math classes and if I still don't get help by next Monday, I will be screwed. I feel kind of floaty? Is that the word to describe it? My feet are really cold right now, I wonder why. My hands are a little cold too. Hmm. I think it's because that the temperature in this room is getting lower and lower. I really want the temperature to go up a little more if not it's going to be freezing in here like my other friends' dorms at Jester West. Man. I still have 3 more classes tomorrow but good thing that I don't have any classes on Friday! Yay! I think I am going to return the dark blue flip-flops since it seems to be hard for me to find something that will match with it. If not, I can ask my sister if she wants to buy it from me or not. Hopefully she would want it so then I wouldn't have to make a trip back to the mall to return it. I am feeling really tired and sleepy right now. I wish I can go to sleep but I have to get some work done before it will be too late. Hopefully I will be able to go back to Houston sometime this or next weekend. I really want to see my cute little brother! I miss him a lot! Ouch, my right arm is aching now. I think it's because I have been using the computer too much and typing a lot. I think I really do need a break from the computer. Where is he? I really want to talk to him but it seems like he is either always away or I talk to him and he never replies. That is really annoying. My contacts feel a kind of weird. I think I should take them out and put on my glasses instead. Hmm. I really do wonder why my roommate has to leave that music on forever. Is it because it soothes her from all of the pain and stress through out the day? That's probably the reason why. I really do wonder why she wants to be a vegetarian. I think it's quite interesting even though I really don't think I can live without eating any meat in my life. Meat is just too good. I wonder why one of my friends today acted kind of strange. I think she probably felt bad for me for not being able to make it in time to eat dinner with me or it's probably because that she wants to find out something that has to do with either me or this other friend of mine. I think that it really annoys me a lot when she acts in this immature way and causes me to not be able to trust her even more. A few of my friends on AIM are messaging me and I am trying to reply to them even though I am concentrating on typing this up. She was asking me about whether I will be going to the next football game or not. Should I go? But I think that the tickets is going to be rather expensive but going to one wouldn't be that bad since I have never gone to one before. Man. it's only been a few days of my first classes in college and I am gradually starting to hate it. Why do college math professors just scribble random things on the board? I mean can they at least have a little bit more organization? It makes me so confused on understanding the material and I can't even figure out how to solve the homework problems. I wish I can change my calc professor but I think that is going to be impossible. Ouch, both of my arms hurt now, I think I should be getting off the computer really soon. An individual sports package? What is that? For 40 dollars? I really don't know if I should get it because I don't really want to spend all of my money on football tickets. All right, I think my time is almost up and I am so happy I can go to sleep now!

1

0

0

0

1

17

WEll college is something i was definetly not prepared for. In high school we got by, by showing up and doing work every now and then inorder to pass the class, but now that i am attending the University of Texas, I go to class because i payed for it and because i want a future. So far in the during these 2-3 weeks of school i have been trying to keep up with the readings, one way is by perchasing the books, which by the way have been giving me back problems. Which leaves me to consider that perhaps I should buy one of those rolling back packs. The readings so far have been tough to keep up with, because so far i have found that if it isn't interesting i will intend to forget what i just read, unintentionally of course. Although some chapters, here and there, in this class and that class, have been rather interesting. I really hate the food i must eat while i am on campus. Always relying on fast food is disgusting. A person could only take hamburgers, french fries, chicken nuggets, tacos, and even sandwiches for so long. Which is why i am so thankfull that i don't live in a dorm. I have no idea what i would do if i had to eat out everyday. Because not only is it not healthy, but so far eatting on campus is burning a hole in my pocket, not to mention the books that are costly and the longhorn souveniers i can't help to buy. The peole i have met so far all live in dorms around the campus, which also makes me feel left out. All they talk about is parties they have gone to and will go to together now that they know someone else on campus that lives in the same dorm as them. My classes are a bit overwhelming as much as the readng is concerned, but trying to make sure i pass my classes is what worries me the most. I believe i can do though. I have not been able to sleep sonstantly though. I wake- up at 6:30 am inorder to get ready and to take my sister to school. She, for some reason won't consider taking the bus, so once i drop her off around 7:20 am i am off to UT. Once i arrive on campus the time is 8 am, and i meet a friend for breakfast. Our first class doesn't begin until 10 am but the hastle of finding parking escalates as the morning goes on. By the time i leave the time is my class is over the time is 5pm and i get home at 6 pm, and this is where i find myself so exhausted that all i want to do is sleep. But i realize i must read a chapter for Rhetoric or one of my other classes that i stay up until 12am, and once again i only get about 6 hours of sleep. This system is not working for me, feeling drained of energy, having back pains and wanting to sleep all the time does not sound like what people lead me to believe what college was all about. I see movies and tv sitcoms, about the joys of college, how it is the best time of a persons life. Makeing new friends, going to parties, and going through new experiences, but so far as a freshman i have hardly had any time to dao any of the above. Actually all i have done so far is meet people in classes, which i tend to lose by the next class day, since the classes i have are so large. I don't even have time for old friends, but i know they hardly have time for me either, because of jobs and school. This makes me happy that i don't have a boyfriend as well, because when i did all my time seemed to go to spending it with him, and a realtionship is what i have no time for.

0

0

0

0

0

0

Well, here goes nothing. I decided to do this assignment while waiting for class. I arrived at 3, class starts at 3:30,my bad. Guess I'll just transfer it to computer later. This hallway isn't particularly quiet. The door next to me squeaks. Not like a mouse mind you, but that annoying oil-me-sound. This hallway looks different than all the others. I don't know why that is exactly, it just does. I don't seem to be having that many creative thoughts. My suite-mate told me that you become most creative during the late hours like 2 and 3a. m. I guess this is my creative down-time. Boy, I could sure use a little down-time. Too many things still left to do. Somewhere in here I have to eat dinner. I refuse to eat from the death carts again today. Granted, they do have good eggrolls. But I just don't want figure out what the meat is. Dog would be very bad. I've got a dog, or at least I had a dog. I had to leave him at home. I guess I'll see him at Christmas. I like it how the semester ends at Christmas. Less to worry about over the holidays. Unlike high school. I hated it when teachers would have tests right after long vacations. Not that I did bad on them. It just meant I had to think about the upcoming test for the duration of break. Y'know, it's going to be hard to type all this one-handed. I fractured my finger about a week before class. For the time being my finger is immobilized. You'd be surprised at all the times we use our pinky and take it for granted. It is a very essential finger. Only 5 more weeks or so, and it will be healed. Personally, I can't wait. I've really had an interesting time as a new student. Adapt to college and adapt to the loss of complete hand movement. Which is essentially the loss of my left hand. I wonder how long this is typed. It's 2 pages written. OUCH#@** My leg is asleep. Pins & needles are always a fun sensation. I wonder how much longer it will be till class. Almost there I think. I feel good that I actually completed a paper weeks before the deadline. It's not a first, but it's close. I've decided one thing about UT, TEX hates me. He asked me if I wanted him to search for one of my classes, and of course I said yes. So TEX replied that my class had been added from 7-9. No problem, right? He neglected to mention p. m. I am no longer enrolled in anthropology. GOOD-BYE AND GOOD LUCK.

0

1

1

1

0

14

Today has been a terrible day here in San Antonio, because it is all ugly and humid outside. I am really glad that I came down this labor day weekend to see the family. My uncle is very mean he needs to be a bit more nice to me. He always makes fun of me ant telling me that I need to stay up in Austin and that I can't come down for the homecoming football game. I need to move to another room where the air conditioner is not so loud. I need time to think and be alone. My sister really needs to turn the volume on the TV down while I still do my homework. It is not fair that I am a very considerate person and then there are people who aren't towards me. Right now I am listening to my country music while I am typing. I find that country music soothes me and it very easy to understand. This always runs through my head: Why does this Hispanic girl listen to country? I feel that this is what runs through peoples minds, it runs through my sisters mind, she likes to listen to rap, R&B, and "party music", and I never ask her why she likes that type of music. I don't mind that music either, but I prefer my country. Another thought that crosses my mind is: how come this girl doesn't listen to tejano music? I ask myself if I am adopted in the family, because it takes me awhile to get something's, I have this hyper personality, and I have an "Irish persons'" chin. I am smelling the fresh grapes that have just placed in front of my face. I have a bad habit of smelling things. I also have a bad habit of constantly washing my hands or using antibacterial hand sanitizer. I think that I am obsessive compulsive in something's. I always feel the need to be clean, and being organized. It is quite funny how as I get older I need to be clean, but when I was younger, I didn't care if I got dirty, or if I didn't take a bath; I hated taking baths. I am noticing that the time is running out on me and that I doesn't feel like it has been 20 minutes, it seems a lot faster. I thought that UT was going to be a SUPER SCARY school, but it isn't because I have awesome classes and the environment here is awesome, everyone here is friendly. I

0

1

0

0

1

9

I'm feeling that I miss my girlfriend in San Antonio. As we do this i feel that she is my everthing i can't get her out of my head. what else I can't get out of my head is this music that the dorm next door to me is playing, it is making me really frustrated because i can't think quite as well. I hope that Jess is okay, i worry about her a lot. She doesn't sleep too well, and that kind of worries me but she is extremely strong so i'm not too worried about it. I am kind of worried about what she just wrote to me in a letter i got. I know that she loves me but this college stuff, being apart and all is quite difficult. I don't like it and neither does she, and she wrote something that worries me, that she kind of wishes that we never met so that we never fell in love and therefore never have to endure the hardship of parting. I miss her a lot. My days primarily consist of me waiting around for her to get to her computer so I can instant message her, and communicate with her, truly the highlight of my day. The rest of my day is that of school, college that is, and I feel somewhat like a hermit but not too much, because I have her. She really is my everything, and I know that we will be together, forever. One thing that I do feel uneasy about is the fact that she is a christian and that I am an Atheist. This hasn't played a part in our relationship, but I'm afraid that one day it will. I am a pacifist Atheist and therefore will usually ignore most people's idea's, I know that that is wrong but oh well it's the way that I feel. I really don't want to destroy her sense of spirituality either, I've done it before to other people and it really makes them feel bad, and lost. I don't ever want to hurt Jess, I love her, in fact I feel that I have to protect her from everything. I miss her, I don't like the fact that I have to be here in Austin and she is nearly by herself in San Antonio. But there is a glimer of hope, we might get an apartment together next year. I really hope that we do, that would be so great. I can think of nothing better than waking up to her smiling face everyday, and thinking to myself that I am the luckiest guy in the world. I hope that that happens, it really does help to have something that you can think about while you are away from someone that you love. All I can think about is how great it is when I make my bi-monthly trips during the weekends to see her. In fact I'm trying to plan something this weekend for her to make her feel as special as she really is. I think the world of Jess. I don't know what I'm going to plan yet, I just can't think with this music, it really does irritate me quite a bit, I'm thinking that after the twenty minutes are up that I will go over there and tell them to turn it down. I love Jess. I wish that I was with her right now, in fact sometimes I wish that I didn't have to go to college, just stay with her were we used to work forever. Just being together with nothing to stop us, no one to get in the way, and no time constraints placed upon us. I love her very much. Wow, I just looked at the clock and I have used 17 minutes already, only three to go. Man, my fingers are getting tired from typing so much. I can usually get about 30 words a minute out, but I'm out thinking my typing, I want to write something down, and then bam another thought is in my head, my fingers can't keep up. I sure hope that I finish soon, because I see that my Jess is online and that I want to talk to her real soon, this is the stuff that I wait hours for, just a chance to talk to her to be with her always. She is my everything, and I care for her deeply. I do get to see her on Friday and I'm really happy. I hope that she will have as much fun as I will. I can't stop thinking about Jess.

0

1

1

1

0

14

WELL, I DON'T LNOW WHAT ALL TO TYPE ABOUT, SINCE WE CAN TYPE ABOUT ANYTHING. MY BOYFRIEND THAT I HAVEN'T SEEN SINCE I MOVED DOWN HERE THREE WEEKS AGO CAME DOWN TODAY FROM DALLAS, SO I'M PRETTY EXCITED ABOUT THAT. I WISH HE DIDN'T HAVE TO LEAVE ON MONDAY, BUT HE HAS SCHOO, ASLO. MY ROOMMATE IS ON THE COMPUTER NEXT TO ME, READING ABOUT EL NINO, AND HER BOYFRIEND IS WATCHING ME TYPE. THIS COMPUTER LAB STINKS. MY BOYFRIEND IS BORED OUT OF HIS MIND, BECAUSE HE WANTS TO PLAYS GAMES BUT CAN'T GET ON A COMPUTER. I THINK THIS PSYCHOLOGY COURSE IS GOING TO BE HARD, BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE IN THE CLASS. FIVE HUNDRED PEOPLR IS A BIT TOO MANY PEOPLE TO HAVE IN ONE CLASS--HOW WILL ANYONE LEARN ANYTHING? ALSO, THE WHOLE EXPERIMENT THING IS VERY STRANGE. WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO STUDY ABOUT US? I SURE AS HECK AM NOT GOING TO WRITE A RESEARCH PAPER, THOUGH. I HATE WRITING PAPERS! I'M GLAD THAT WE DON'T HAVE A FINAL IN OUR CLASS. BUT I HAVE A FINAL IN MY PHILOSOPHY CLASS, AND IT'S ALSO ON THE LAST DAY. THAT SUCKS. I WAS HOPING I COULD GO HOME AND WORK DURING THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAYS, BUT SINCE I WON'T LEAVE UNTIL DECEMBER 16, THAT'S NOT GOOD. AT LEAST WE DON'T HAVE TO BE BACK UNTIL JANUARY 20, THOUGH!! THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. AARON AND I ARE BOTH GROWING IMPATIENT. I FEEL LIKE I HAVE BEEN TYPING FOR AN HOUR, BUT IT HAS ON;Y BEEN TEN MINUTES. I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL TONIGHT. ME, AARON, MANDA, AND BRANNON ARE GOING OUT TO EAT AND TO SEE G. I. JANE. I'VE BEEN WANTING TO SEE THAT MOVIE FOREVER. IF BRANNON DOESN'T SHUT UP, I'M GOING TO BACK HAND HIM. AARON IS PLAYING WITH THE MOUSE AND IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY. NOW HE'S LAUGHING UP A STORM, AND IT IS ALSO DRIVING ME CRAZY. BRANON IS A PERVERT. O, EXCUSE ME, HE THINKS HE'S ROMANTIC. NOW WE'RE ALL LAUGHING AND TALKING ABOUT DON JUAN DEMARCO, WHOEVER HE IS. I AM SO HUNGRY. I HAVEN'T EATEN ALL DAY, AND MY STOMACH FEELS LIKE IT'S GONNA CAVE IN. NOW AARON IS TALKING ABOUT TACO BELL, AND I'M GOING TO VOMIT. I HATE TACO BELL, AS WELL AS ALMOST ALL FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS. NOW AARON IS READING WHAT I AM TYPING, AND IT IS ANNOYING ME. NOT REALLY, ALMOST EVERYTHING HE DOES I THINK IS CUTE. I MISS HIM A LOT, I'M REALLY GLAD HE'S HERE THIS WEEKEND. HE'S FIXING TO MOVE DOWN HERE IN A MONTH, BECAUSE HE'S GRADUATING FROM THE ART INSTITUTE OF DALLAS ON SEPTEMBER 30, THE SAME DAY AS OUR FIRST EXAM. NOW THEY ARE TALKING TALKING ABOUT HOW NASTY UNDERSHIRTS LOOK. IF AARON PICKS AT HIS FOOT ONE MORE TIME I'M GONNA SLAP HIM. NOW MY TIME IS UP, I'M REALLY GLAD.

1

0

0

0

1

17

I just opened iTunes and chose to play Miles Davis's album called "A Tribute to Jack Johnson". The first song "Right Off" begins with a strong groove. this music first puts me into a pretty good mood. It motivates me to want to go to the gym or something and get a little exercise. Now the song is quieting down a little bit after a few bars and slowly building back up. Larry Coryell is on guitar I believe, if not I'm pretty sure it's John McLaughlin. Now Miles is playing. gosh. he's quite an impressive player. He's not showing off by playing a note every second. He takes it slow and builds up a good improvised melody. . and they're always good too. I'd like to choose the songs to play before class starts sometime, to give people a chance to hear very respectable music that most kids nowdays seem to neglect upon hearing, because of a difference in style from the popular, well-advertised music of the 90's and 00's. or otherwise some people aren't even given the chance to be exposed to it. My roommate just came in the room. Speak of the devil, eh? Take him for example. When I first met him and asked what he listened to, the first two things he said were "Metallica and Linkin Park". both of which I am not biased against or hold negative regard towards. Actually I find both bands to be quite interesting. I was exposed to Metallica and that very broad genre back around the days of middle school, and definately listened to it quite extensively. Side note: it's getting hot and I'm turning on the fan. Could this music and the pressure to write as fast as I can be causing my body to heat up? That could be quite interesting. Going back. I find it weird, well not weird but sad basically, that people like my roommate haven't heard and don't seem to be immediately open to new musical tastes. "new" meaning "previously unknown" as opposed to recently released. The song just phased into an ambient sound while Miles is playing over it. The drums, bass, and guitar have dropped out. When the jam comes back in. and here it comes. oh yes. Well done. Movement (change) in music I have realized (as a good explanation) is what creates uniqueness and good sound. Change can include any part of sound. pitch, tempo, tambre, etc. Now it's just the Bass and Miles. On this album is Billy Cobham on drums, Herbie Hancock is on keyboards. I'm not sure who the bass player is off the top of my head. My roommate is playing video games behind me. I understand his addiction. I used to play games all the time throughout middle and high school. I went to an Arts high school for music and sadly games distracted me from studying music and my academics. obviously I did well enough to get into UT, but sadly not well enough for my own standards, although I did not realize it at the time. I quit playing games during my senior year in high school, picked up some other bad habits, but since moving to Austin for school things have changed nicely, and although I'm not completely comfortable with the status of my lifes general direction yet, I guess I feel slightly better and more able to concentrate on the future. although the future is quite unexpected, otherwise I don't really know what I'm going to do. The song just dropped into a drum jam with a guitar riff running continuously over it. . and time's up.

1

1

0

1

1

27

wanna see the real you- I love this song. by the suicide machines. I saw them last spring break with the descendents. good show. now green world is on. this is weird, trying to write continuously for 20 minutes. you tend to think differently when you're forced to. like today, those questionnaires in psych class. I think I analyzed them too much and tricked myself into answering differently. oh well. I have a lot of shit I need to be doing like returning that journalism book and buying the packet for that class. that class sucks. how can journalists shove a camera and microphone in someone’s face when they’re in mourning or whatever. and those guys who caused the princess Di's wreck just for some pictures. it makes me sick. do they have no feelings or sympathy whatsoever? does anyone? how the hell am I going to find a job that I like that doesn’t require making it to the top, no matter who you step on to get there. I guess all jobs are like that I’m just not a competitive person at all. never was. I don’t need to put other people down or be the best at everything in order to feel good or proud like tough guys. sure I’m proud of what I can do but I could never hurt another soul doing it. well the music’s off now and its quiet here in my castilian dorm room except for the fan. my boyfriend and my friends are upstairs, probably watching t. v. I wonder if he wants to go to that less than Jake show tonight I want to. they’re pretty good. my back hurts. I need to go to a chiropractor cant believe this stuff going through my head. how boring. I do think about interesting things sometimes. a few nights ago my boyfriend (kevin) and me and three other girls got into a huge (drunk) argument about how the world would be different if women were in all power. then we starting arguing, are gender differences biological or environmental? kevin thinks they’re environmental, and has a nerdy, stubborn, math/scientist guy and shows very little emotions. marita and I said no, its about 50/50, because women are born with these instincts that men will never know until they grow uteruses and give birth. ok I have 5 more minutes to write. my hair feels weird. I cut about a foot off 2 days ago. it was down to my waist now its to my chin. I feel bald. I wonder if I should dye it again. last year it was purple. man I’m doing it again, rambling on about boring stupid shit. I wonder if everyone else sounds as dumb as me, chatting away about stuff nobody really cares about. for twenty minutes. all to make a good grade. why is so much emphasis placed on grades I wonder. they don’t measure your intelligence. some people always do their homework and make good grades. that me. some people study and study but still bomb tests. that’s me too. tests suck. especially true false questions. I analyze those too much until I confuse myself. kevin doesn’t have to study and aces every test. no fair. well looks like my time is up. if anyone actually read this, sorry. fun job huh. I guess you’ve read much weirder stuff than this anyway. well adios.

1

0

1

1

0

22

I don't know why, but for some reason I am extremely nervous about this writing assignment. It most likely won't even be read! Random, but I started thinking about what an awful driver I am in Austin. All of the one way streets and stop signs that people don't stop at are very overwhelming. I've already ran two red lights. whoops. Since this writing assignment is online, I can't help but read the instant messages that pop up while I'm typing. I love talking to people online, I think I'm addicted. It really is a great way to keep in touch with friends and family now that we are all living in different cities. Especially since two of my best friends are still in high school and my younger sister is a freshman in high school, I can talk to them all at the same time. It is very convenient. Since coming to college I have become obsessed with downloading music from itunes. Tomorrow night the Sig Eps are having an 80's theme party, so last night I spent about an hour downloading hit songs from the 80's. My friends and I are going to have a pre- dance party in my dorm room. It will be awesome. Today my friend Melanie and I went shopping at thrift stores to find 80's garb. I found the best 80's pumps for only six dollars. Can you say jackpot? I think my favorite 80's song right now has to be Jessie's Girl by Rick Springstein. I wish I was Jessie's girl, because then I would date his best friend. Speaking of dating, I think dating in college is going to be rather difficult considering there are approximately 50 gorgeous girls on campus to every one attractive guy. Not that looks are everything, but that is what generally draws two people together to start talking. Actually I think that is usually the case, but I am definitely drawn to the shy awkward boys as opposed to the attractive hard asses. Racquetball is my new favorite sport. I have played five times since I've been here. It's really the best work out. It's so much better than running for 20 minutes. just play racquetball for 45 minutes and you can't breath. It's such a great feeling. I have had a few complaints though, because I tend to accidentally hit the person I am playing with a little too often than necessary. I've hit my sister like twice and I couldn't even guess how many times I've hit Christy. Whoops! I love going to concerts. They are probably on my top 5 favorite things to do list, along with snowboarding, eating, sleeping, and dancing. I wish we had some snow nearby, but I would hate to live in the cold so I guess I don't really want snow close by. I almost went to school in Boulder, Colorado but I realized I would have to wear about 5 layers of clothing just to walk to class and I decided it just wasn't worth it. I am a Texan, if I didn't break a sweat between classes I don't know what I would do with myself. I can't wait to take trips over the holidays with my new college friends. I have been looking forward to that for a

0

1

1

0

1

13

Hi my name is jennifer doolan. . i am writing because i was told to for an assignment. i am not sure what i am thinking exactly. I need to be involved in some type of organization, although i am not sure which one. In highschool i always knew what i wanted to do but here there are so many possibilities that i do not know anymore. the water is running form somewhere i am not sure but it is annoying. i live at dobie on the 23rd floor and we had a fire drill tonight so ihad to run down 23 flights of stairs that was fun. my roomate is really neat we met at summer school and get along great. i am waiting for clay to call me he is supposed to be out of his meeting sometime . . but i am not sure when that is. i also need to do some pre-cal homework and the read more economics but i think that i can do that after class tomorrow and i willb e fine. . i am not the best typist in the world i use to be able to type but hten i go this new laptop and it is funny the keys are closer together and my nails hit them queerly. I just got my nails done the other day i needed a manicure i have been stressed out lately and hands are something that i notice first on people so i like for mine to be pretty. . and it puts me in a bterr mood. I am thinking that i am typing and i have no idea who is reading this and i am sure they do not care what i am talking about but oh well that is ok too. . I like going ot UT it is really big and full of people i feel like i might get lost in the crowds but other than that i think i will have fun . . as long as i continue to meet people. I am not the best friend maker. . i have had the same set of friends since i was in the 7th grade and we have all just gotten along well. Here it is different but should be exciting. My rhetoric teacher does not speak english and i can not understand a word she says. . i haev a paper due on the 13th which is friday te 13th and i think those are cool. Sherene just signed in on the computer. . that is my bestfriend i wonder what she is doing i bet she just got done with her duitemates or something. I hope she is adjusting well to college she is the only one who went to Dallas and she seems to like it so far. I wish that we would have gone to the same school but i know that we wouldhave never branched out if we did. there is no music on i want to turn some on but i have to write and my roomates are studying. someone just IMed me buti cna not respond i am typing. my thoughts are sparing i really and not thinking much at all. . tomorrow i have to go to y dance class at 9:30 then i think i will work out then come back eat lunch take a shower hten go to eco then who knows. . take a nap probably i love naps they are the best things ever. It has been almost 10 min now and i am getting bored with this but i am still going. I called my mom today and she didn't want to talk to me. . well i think she did but she was busy she does not like her job. . well the people she works with atleast. ithink she should get a new one but she won't look myabe i shouldlook for her nad find her one as a suprise. i need to email a&m to see what scholarsips they give out to unmarried teenage mothers. . not that i am that . . but my sister is and she wants to go to school there and i heard this rumor that they give out very good scholarships. My mom wanted me to check on that for her. . A lot of my friends are going to A&M i don't know why they would evr want to do that. but hey it is thier life. my roomate just walked in and is playing with her computer. . it is making some noise but now it stoped. . i haev nothing to think about. I need to work out but it is too late and i am lazy. . oh well Homecoming is in like 20 days and i have to go home. . it is a tradition for the old officers to go back and sit with the drillt eam and watch and stuff but i need to lose weight so that they are not like oh my god what happened to her. . and i need to go shoping for an outfit to wear. . i am not sure what i want though. . maybe i want a skirt or something austinish or maybe clasical would be better. . who knows who cares really . . they are all still in highschool and if they did not like me then they are not goig to like me now and i do nto really care either way. I am ready to go see my mom and my don. . i miss htem very much i feel like i am missing my nieces grow up by being so far away from them. I knwo that they willbe fine but i miss seeing htem everyday likei use to . floppy disks are weird they are colorful but silly if you think about it. who knows i might want to be a computer science major but i donto know what job opportunities that holds. . i am going for being a laywer at the present moment because there are job opportunities everywhere and you do not have to live in once certian place. I could also be a teacher my sister teaches 1st grade she is so cute. I called her tonight and she seemed really suprised to talkto me. . it is not like i am in africa or something just in austin a phone call away. cell phones i hate cell phones well i love them but hty are a pain i wish that all minutes were free and you could tlak to whoever whenever you wanted. all of mymin are for use after 9 well i have 500 daytime min and 4500 night and weekend so i have to talka fter 9 but what if i want to tlak before then, i guess i am out of luck. the first of the summer i talked way to much on mine and my mom got mad at me so i had to cut back. i really hate it when people are mad at me it makes me sad and i have to fix it right away or i am unhappy. . well my time is almost up and i am going to go to bed now

0

1

1

1

0

14

Today was a very long and exhausting day. I began by waking up at 8:15, after only 6 hours of sleep, to go to a 9:00 Art History discussion lab at the museum. It actually crossed my mind to skip class and then go back to sleep, that way I wouldn't be as tired as I am right now. But instead I decided to go ahead and go to class, otherwise I would just fall behind and not know what happend. Personaly, I am not one to really like getting behind, so I think that I made the right decision, granted I may be tired right now, I know my decision to go to class will pay off in the long run. As my day continued, I went to the actual class lecture for Art history. It was somewhat interesting, although I found it a little difficult to consentrate. I guess that may be because I did not catch up on my reading that I was supposed to have completed by today. Obviously I am paying for the ocnsequenses of not keeping up with the outside responsibilities. Futhur in the day, I went to the dentist to get a filling, which was not fun! The right side of my mouth was numb for about 4 hours. That may not sound like too long, but in reality, when your mouth is numb and you can't talk well, and you can't eat or drink anything because you will spill it, it is a long time. Then I proceeded to go to a meeting. I had previously told my room mate that she was able to use my computer while I was gone. This kind of bothered me just because I payed for this computer and I could have just relied on her supplying the computer and used hers. I just don't really think that that is fair. Then what really irritated me, which doesn't happen too ofter, is that when I came back from the meeting, the stuff that was in my chair that she sat in was thrown all on the floor. My brand new shirts that are not even two days old, my purse, and my shorts, were all on the ground. Now it is one hting to use something of someones and put everything back where you found it, but to be so inconsiderate as to not put things back in it's place is rude. I was quite mad, so instead of confronting her, I just left and went to get TCBY and to watch tv with my sister. I guess you could say that I did it to get out of confronting her and to also blow some steem off. Oh well, what's done is done, but next time I think that I just might have to say something to her(if I let her use my computer next time). Well, that was pretty much my day, and now I am just trying to get caught up with all of my responsibilities and homework, which is making me stressful. I know that I will be relieved when I finish it all, though.

0

0

0

0

0

0

Today has been such a long day. I thought it would never end. Right now i am really energetic. Im watching tv right now. IM listening to the music video by Styles. It is awesome. i just finished submitting my cal homework. im glad that it is over. My roommate is playing different songs on his guitar. I look outside my window and all i see is darkness. i see the lights around the stadium, since i live near it. when it is game day, i can hear the roar of the crowd in my room. i finally received my poster that i have been waiting for. it is a scarface poster with the quote, say hello to my little friend. i smell chocolate and soap in my room. its probably because i just had a protein shake and just washed the cup. i wonder whats going on at my home in Pasadena. i wonder what my friends are doing. i have to drive home tomorrow. i hate driving long distances. but then again, i will have my sister in the car, so i guess it ok. im really thristy for some cold water. i hear the music video by michelle branch. i want to watch the movie scarface right now. i love to watch that movie. it is the greatest movie ever made. i wonder if i should do the frat thing. i think i would really enjoy it. i just wonder what the pledge process would be like. oh well, i pretty sure i can handle it. i met so many people this past weekend. i had so much fun going out and hanging out with my friends. i just heard my roommate say that he thinks he should me a singer. i think thats pretty weird. he can't sing at all. he sounds like finger nails scrapping a chalkboard. i have an itch right now. my roommate is over here complaining about his homework. he says he doesnt get the formulas. hes doing the frat thing this semester. his pledge process has already started. i think he is going to have a lot of fun. i wish i could type better. i need to figure out cal. im doing ok in the class, but i want to do better. i need to by some milk when i get back from pasadena. im so sore from working out. i can tell that i won't be able to walk in the morning. i need to take out the trash. it doesnt smell or anything, i just want to take it out before it does start to smell. i need to sign up for a tutor for cal class. i think i will be able to do a lot better when i get one. i need to get a new cell phone. im not getting real good service right now, but then again its prolly because im always in a building on campus. i never really understood the levis commmercial where he dumps a car into the ocean but then swims back down to get a book. i also need to fill the water. i love the brita filter. man i need to go to bed soon. it kind of cool how people are able to tell so much about a person from what they write. i need to start working again. i want to get my job at best buy again. i had so much

0

1

1

1

0

14

Right now I am feeling very stressed out with all of the work and reading that my professors have given me. In my Language of the Stage class my teacher gave my about 60 pages to read and take notes from and we have to discuss the reading this Friday. It has alredy taken me a good long while to take notes on the first 17 pages. I don't know how I am going to read the rest. I am almost thinking that I should just not do it but if I did that I would feel very guilty about myself for not doing it. So I think that I am going to be pulling an all nighter trying to finish reading and taking noes on the materials. I just think that the work he put on us is a little harsh. That is a lot of work. Now my best friend from home was going to come stay with me one night this weekend. I was so excited because I haven't seen her since we both left for school, but now she is not coming but all of her friends that go to school with her now are going to come. I am so upset because I really wanted to see her. She is going back home to see her family instead. I know that she wanted to come stay with me but she just couldn't but I really wanted her here because I know that we would have had so much fun together and I wanted her to meet all of my friends. Oh well, I know that she will come to see me soon I hope. Well so far I have had a really good time here at school. I have become friends with a lot of cool people and my sister is here also. The only problem is that I have been going ouit almost every single night and it is really wearing me down. It's like I wnat to make good grades in school but I also want to go out and meet new people. I am also a Pi Phi here and so there is always something we have to do during the week. I really need to cut back on going out all the time and try to get some good sleep. I also need to start working out again because I don't want to gain weight and I am really afraid about that. I also want to work out just so that I feel good about myself and feel like I have done something productive for the day. I hate feeling like a slob and that is what I have felt like lately. Well I am having so much fun but I really miss my friends that aren't here. Only a couple of my friends are here but I enjoy meeting new people and getting to know everyone even though it can be hard when you don't know many people already.

1

0

0

0

1

17

Right now I am sitting in my room. my TV ison and I'm actually feeling a bit nervous about this incoming school year. I have never been away from home and i have never been on a university campus that had as many people as UT does. Right now I'm here in my dorm room, it kind of smells like B. O. , but I think that's because we prolly haven't cleaned up the mess that my room-mate and I have made. The TV is on right now and it's kind of distracting but I'm not going to say anythign because I would consider that rude. Is it bad that I put other peoples concerns and feelings ahead of mine. Dosen't that make me a less ambitious person?to tell yout he truth I really don't care what others think about me. All i care about is what I think of myself, and whether I'm happy with myself or not. At this point I'm happy that i actually got out of my home town. I miss it though. I really don't think that I was ready to go, maybe in another year or so. Is it bad that I don't like school?I know that it's only going to benefit my future and get em a six figure income with a house, three kids, two cars, a cat and be able to spend money and not worry about it. it sounds pretty sweet doesn't it. People don't really consider all the work that has to go into it but that's only to be expected. It does not cost anything to dream. I'm sure that it's all worth it though. having completed something that has put you farther ahea in life then the next guy. I'm sure that there will be plenty of oppotunities to make really good money with a degree, or two for that matter. I think that i'm really just nervous about living up to my own expectations. I set really high standards for myself and if they are not met then I have a total break down. I feel as though I am a failure and I probably will not amount to anything. If you can't tell i don't have that great of a self-esteem. I'm sure that by now you can tell that. I'm very intimidated by stadium classrooms. I'm very much more comfortable with a 35:1 ratio classes. I'm only hoping to pass all my classes with the very least a B I would say A but that goes back to my really high standards. Instead of being dissappointed I would rather achieve something that I know that I can probably complete. I think that this kind of puts me in a comfort zone because then i will never find out what my full potential might be. I will always wonder if I was ever able to fufill that A that i wasnt but never really went for. Does this make me a bad person? I think not. I'm really considering going to a university back home. I'm here in the college of Fine Arts in the Dance department. What can you really do with a BFA in Dance? I'm sorry but you can only dance for so long, and what happens if you have an injury? There goes your career and you have nothing to fall back on. I think that it's rediculous that you can't minor in dance. I'm very dissappointed in the dance department here. i actually thought that it would be better than it came out to be. I understand that UT isn't a specialized conservatory in the Arts, but if you are going to offer a major in Dance, at least offer an emphasis or a concentration. I am really considering majoring in Psychology with a minor in Dance. The university back home, University of the Incarnet Word, offers a minor in dance and a major in Psychology which sounds like the perfect program. I was also thinking about Mass Media. I was thinking about being a talent agent. I need to do something that i can see myself doing for the rest of my life. I'm not sure what that is right now.

1

1

0

0

1

25

I just read in Alfred Adler's Understanding Human Nature that a person's psyche and action is driven by an ultimate goal, and that that goal is irreversibly influenced by experiences, emotions, failures, and other memories from childhood. And I consider how closely indeed my present ambitions are tied to my trauma and exhilaration as a young child. Now, I feel the only way I can attain happiness is to create something. To form a tangible pillar of my individuality and soul. I need to see my doubt, anger, passion, fear, fascination, and every substance of my mind materialize. Now, in this search to form and mold the outer world, I turn to literature, to books and stories of others, tales with which I can empathize and understand. My hunger for reading is insatiable. Everything from novels, to scientific articles, to textbooks, to philosophical papers, I want it all. I want to absorb it so that I don't miss an ounce of life. I want to share every shape and substance of time, to reflect on all thoughts before me so that I can mold those after. And in all of this, with all the knowledge, as I absorb the mind of others through their literary creations, I feel great anxiety in that I have not made a contribution of my own. Many projects that I saw as the key to overcoming this inaction and dullness have fallen short. My passions flow like a liquid, undulating and turning over, never constant, never culminating into a final insight or enlightenment. Several novels begun on my own, yet my mind drifts to other settings, other plots and themes, other characters and personalities. I can never immerse myself in the fictitious, because my own thoughts are unstable. The worlds I put on paper dissolve, evaporate and disintegrate into the torrent of my consciousness. I am always looking forward to what I will be, what I could possibly become, my intellect, my insight, my ambition, the materialization of all my passions. And it fills me with great anxiety, dread that the person inside of my my never emerge. And I think back to my early life. My parents. Childhood. When everything rested on today, on that ice cream cone after enduring an afternoon of chores, on that TV show that I've waited for all night. These were simple pleasures, now caught up in the mad flood of responsibility and maturation. It makes me so tired to look forward. To never be now. My parents were demanding. Good grades, a clean room, church attendance, moral infallibility. Always left behind in someone's expectations. Enslaved to your own dedication and attachment. I loved them then. Cherished them. Everything I did was to attain their approval. Then I would dismiss any pleasure if only for a few words of gratitude or a compliment. An ovation of some sort. I need approval. I still do. My father was a loner, and now I am a hermit as well. He never shared his thoughts. Compassion, empathy, conversation, all foreign in the house. I made up games to express myself. My imagination was as abundant as the grown-up books I read. The stuff everyone else hated. The big thick books on science, philosophy and religion. When people were still learning their multiplication tables. Science fiction. Fantasy. Anything that made life a little more exciting and unpredictable. And I wanted to escape. Straight A's, top of all my classes, and only a pat on the back. Still not good enough, because no one would share it. They wanted to play outside, go to the bayou, ride bikes, play in puddles, watch a movie, go to a party, raise hell. I just wanted to be alone. With my books. My imagination. And I've never had a close friend, because I was always so afraid of betrayal. So afraid that I would be cast out, and many times I was, when I just wanted to think. Now I don't know if there is much else than my own thoughts, and there is nothing for them to do but bounce around in my head. I hope for someone who can share my mind. Someone who can relate to life, looking back on it, reflecting, not just living it.

1

1

1

1

1

31

so I'm sitting right here and my roommate and his girlfriend are abut to go out to sixth street. I have no real plans for tonight so I decided to do this assignment instead! it's been sort of a crazy week. lots of things have been bugging me and you know no ones seems to care about some of the stuff that I'm going through right now and yes I am going through a lot of personal problems but I don't want to write about those because I've talked about them enough this week ok, my roommate and I sort of get along but I'm never really sure how good of friends we really are but who cares I went to see loveline tonight and some people asked some pretty crazy questions people are so afraid of sex in this country I mean really everybody's thinking about it and that's all anyone really cares about I mean sure there is friendship and all that but come on sex is part of it too. how many friendships develop over some kind of sexual relationship or develop because someone needs advice about a sexual relationship? sex sex. it's like the underlying cause of all of our actions (who we make friends with, how we act, dress) and I'm not having much but that's another story. I mean I don't have that much of a sex drive to begin with, I personally think that sex and intelligence are somehow related-cause stupid people are always having it with other stupid people. you never see two brains getting enough, maybe its like a hormonal thing that people with low ig just have more testosterone although my best friend in high school was the valedictorian of our class and she was as horny as they come. maybe it's just me. sex creates too many problems, issues but its like we all need to express those feelings and I haven't been able to oh well it's been 20 minutes and I'm tired

1

0

0

0

0

16

Today I bought the new Omoide Hatoba CD. Pure noise and noise art are very interesting forms of music. Sometimes there are lyrics to these songs. Most of the time they are just phrases being repeated, or just screams. Some bands have gone so far as to create their own languages. This type of music bypasses your brain and hits you straight in the gut. Words are a very limiting way of expressing how this music makes you feel. I need to remember to go to the video store tomorrow and rent "purple rain. " Prince is very talented as a musician and actor. I would love top see him in concert. I really hope that the October 24 pavement concert will be confirmed soon. I cant believe that my English teacher is good friends with the lead singer. This is a strange assignment, it makes me wonder what other people will write, and who will read this. Will anyone read this? What if someone writes something truly "offensive" It's not their fault. One cannot be responsible for their words when they free write. Can you imagine if there was an assignment where the teacher tells the students, "Ignore all social constraints and act freely for the next 20 minutes"? That would be pretty wild. In my everyday speech I often swear. By not swearing in this am I limiting myself. But how far can one free write? How much can you open yourself up until its just words thrown together? Grammar is not important to this, yet I assume you expect some common grammar to hold this together. Am I not free writing now? I would like to go on tour with a professional wrestling league and write about their tragic lives. Professional wrestlers mutate their bodies with steroids to the point where they no longer seem human. They destroy their bodies and on occasion fight in steel cages. I wonder if they ever look in the mirror and ask themselves, "what have I done?" "I'm not even human anymore" Their job is to fake fight. The world of celebrities is quite interesting. I wonder if their is an equation that could make someone famous. I could use the scientific method. My hypothesis could be "If one writes a song on the piano (Elton John style) about celebrity after they die, it will be a success. " I could have started this when Versace died and continued it when Diana died. Of course this would not sum it all up, but after numerous studies, I feel I could ultimately find a mathematical secret to success in the entertainment field.

1

0

1

0

1

21

I am really hungry right now. I think I'll go eat lunch in about twenty minutes or so since that's how long I have to sit here. I hope my classes this year won't be so hard. I want to be somewhere tropical maybe Cozumel or Aruba. The weather here is ok but it's so hot. Like the other day I think I was going to pass out because I had to walk like 2 miles across campus and then I found out I was in the wrong building. Some of the people who work here are real jerks. The girl at the library was no help and she was rude to top it off. She told me to go to the help desk when I asked her how I got an IF account. I dont' miss that many people in Baytown. I do miss my parents and my dog Frida. I wonder how tommorow will go since it's Sept. 11. i hope no one pulls any stupid pranks or anything like that. I really wish I could be with my family but thats no possible since they live 3 hours away and I have classes. My cousins are so cute. I am looking at t picture of them right now. Lauren is a so elegant looking and Suzanne's the quirky one. I feel bad for Nicole becau se she is losing her job. Dynegy was bound to go under once ENgron did. I never kep up with that guy Kenneth Lay, the CEO for ENgron, or I think thats what he was. I miss seeing my dad and visiting him at his work. I wonder if I am depressed. Sometimes it's hard for me to sleep at night, but who knows. I have one, two three four, five six pictures in frrames in my room. My roommate just left for class. SHe is cool, but We have some conflicting religious beliefs. Being a mormon must be hard. I know the are ostracized alot. I justdon't get the spirit child thing about how we were spirit children in heaven with God before we were born. . or the part I read somewhere about how you have to wear holy underwear and things of that nature. TO me,that's just crazy,but I have to respect other people's religions and beliefs because that's what I expect from them in return. I am so hungry. I want to go eat. I wonder if I have gained any weight since I've been here. When I played soccer in highschool I was so much more muscular and toned. Now I have to find time to work out. Where is Sarah? I think is in her room or doing laundry. Her room mate is so nice, but I feel bad for her because of that Nick guy she dated who just broke up with her. SHe is too nice. SHe's to pretty for him anyways. Some of the food inthe cafeteria scares me. I always hear horror stories about people eating food and finding things in what they are eating. Ughhhh. Now I'm not going to be hungry anymore. I don't have anything in here to eat except for fruit. I am sick of getting up at 8 in the morning to go to Spanish. My professor is ok, but he can be too sarcastic at times and I just want to yell. Yeah. so I am debating on whether I should do the Diamond Dolls. Jenny is in it and she said it was fun. Chris would get mad though. I don't know. He may play baseball here next year, or thats what I think now. but I hope he does. My cold is annoying. What time does the mean lady at the front desk work? SHe is gripey. Jessica and her boyfriend fight alot. Kalie shouldn't tell them what to do but Ithink she just feels authoritative because that's how her stepdad seemed when I met him. Where am I going to eat tonight? Is Uncle Phil back in town. That birthday card Kara sent me was really sweet. I'm glad we have become closer than we used to be. I used to think we would never be close because we don't have that many of the same interests. SHe has lost weight. I wish I could lose 10 lbs. I am going to work out at 3. Then I will be back here at 4. take a shower, call Aunt Beth and see when we are going to eat tonight. Mimi and Poppa are coming. that's good since I never see them . How far is Granger from here? There is a really loud annoying girl who lives in my hall. She talks about crude things. I wonder if you can tell how smart I am by reading what I'm writing. I hope I don't sound like a fool. Who reads these things anyways. I like listening to Enrique. where is he? When is lunch over? Gosh I need to stop thinkng about food. That's not good. I don't want to be fat when I get olded. How many students does UT's law school take every year. I wonder if I could get in. I need to send those checks off so they don't expire. I am so wasteful sometimes. I need to get a book rack so my books and folders aren't thrown all over the floor. How fast does the fastest typer in the world type? I think I type like 60 words a minute. maybe I'm off. that was like years ago in BCIS. Tomorrow better be safe for everyone. I am cold. THe ac is on high. . yeas

0

0

0

0

1

1

email is such a pain I cannot anxwer them fast enough I like it because I cantalk to people theat I miss I really miss my brother the wedding is really soon weell so is my birtheday I wissh they did not paln it on my bitthday Nineteen is a boring birthday your not in your twenties andyou do not get any new "privledges" my mind went blank it is much easier to think when you are not rying thid desk is very uncomfortable like the bed in my dorem well it is alright it is just not very comfrotable I have som much stuuff to do and I am trying not to get bogged down sbut I do not want to gho crazy studying for somw reason I cannot help but hit the back space button I have never been a very good typer maybe if I would just stop llooking at the screen ti would all flow I really widh I was at homw going to my old dance studio taking classed insteda of typing on a computer I really miss dance more then anything wlde at home excluding my familyt and my dog I went home for Labor day and I thienk she was the most excited to see me My mom had just come back from New YUork and she brought my brides maid dress home with her it is way too big but they always are I am really not worried about it because I know my mom will make sure that it looks great the color is a beautiful plum If only I were getting married it is notlike I am in a big hurry I do not eben have a boyfriend but that is beside the pooint with a mom as a wedding photographer my whoke life swhe has been talking about my wedding how perfect it wii be I could care leess about the wedding I just waqnt the perfect groom I have met agew nice guys herte and seen a lot of really cute ones I never get the courage to talk to them I meand the first few days of chool every body could talk to every body now if you approach someeboudy it seems you are going out of your way I guess everybody is just getting cc omfortabe finding a nitch My best f4riend my roomate is leaviing UT ath the semester she has been one thing I could count on for the last four youars and now she is leaving and theat really scares me I want her to prusue her dreams and be happy bust she is returing to our home town I can never go back I mean not while I am in college As much as I want to I know it is better for me here I like Austin and quite a few of the peiople who live here I am getting me nitch my comforty zone I think sometimes it is bad to get too settled it inhibits your grouwth as a person because there I go again hitting the backspace button when I was in seventh grade muy right hand was ran over by a go cart It took the sking off three fingers and permanetly injured one and kind of a halj well needless to say that affects my typing abiliteis I have bad finger dexterotu not to mention I am a perfectiont so seeing a typo on the computer really bothers me I am just not liiking now three minutes over the twenty minutel limit I could go on for days but I am in an uncomfortable chair and I just realized I forgot to feed my fish

0

1

0

0

1

9

I'm home. wanted to go to bed but remembered that I had a psychology homework to complete by sometime during next week. Maybe this wouldn't take that long. I can handle this. Something is making a noise in the restroom. Did I turn on the fan? I got to write more. This is harder than I thought. I'm not thinking anything. Was I always like this when I didn't have anything to do? Should I go to bed after finishing this assignment or should I stay awake. I think I had an appointment with someone. Or maybe it was some kind of meeting, that was not mandatory to participate in. Is there any assignments besides this. My roommate took my digital camera yesterday, but it's right beside me, now. Wonder what he did with it. I'll ask him when he comes back. My eyes hurt. I should really do something about my glasses. When should I go fix it. ? Feel tired. I should really go to bed. Only 9 minutes passed. Half way done. Wonder if I can just stop here. Maybe not. Hm. let's see. What am I thinking? Wow my feet are covered with dirt. Amazing I didn't notice that until now. How did I get this on my legs? I want to wash it off but I'll wait until this assignment is over. 8 minutes to go. What are my parents doing anyway? Hope they're doing fine. When would they be able to receive the email I sent few minutes ago. Anyways, I feel like I really had to finish something today but can't remember what it was. Guess I'll figure it out after taking a nap. Am I still not there. Never knew how long a 20 minute could be. Thirsty. No water around. Now I'm curious what the purpose of this assignment is and what kind of point professor is trying to make. Time is almost up.

1

0

1

1

0

22

I'm not really sure what exactly I'm supposed to do with this. There is some guy in my room that keeps trying to talk to me and I don't know him. I wonder why he's in here. Theres a really old song playing on the radio. I havent heard it in a while. it reminds me of 6th grade. Every song does that, takes me back to a different place in time. Now this song reminds me of my friends Jason and Doug. I wonder what they're doing right now. I miss my old friends. I'm really excited about this weekend. Miami is going to be a blast. I just hope that everything works out. I really want to suprise John, but if I have to tell him I'm coming I guess I will. I really don't want to. That guy won't shut up. I'm thinking I might just take a cab from the airport to the university. My dad said theres a tropical storm. I sure hope it disentigrates before I get there. I hope everything works out with John, though. I think this weekend is going to be the deciding factor of our relationship. Things are so tense every time we talk. I want to go back to that last night at his house. . it was so amazing. We stayed up the enitre night watching the meteor shower and talking out on his balcony. one of those moments I will never forget even when I'm old. I wonder what I will be like when I'm old. I want to be a cool grandma. I want to live in a big old house on some land but drive a really badass car and cook good food for m grandkids and spoil them. I guess b efore I have grandkids, I have to have kids. which I don't want to do. I was watching the learning channel and MAN having those babies has to hurt. I could just have a c section. Thats what my aunt did. But then she died of cancer. Maybe I shouldnt have one. This cough is getting really old. I always get colds. Last time I had one was before me and John met though. HE brought me flowers for the first time. White dasies on the red tahoe outside of my room. I miss that. The note said he didnt have any soup. flowers would have to do. I love that. If I could right now, i would fly to miami and marry this boy. i remember the day my sister got married. It was the most beautiful thing i've seen. OF COURSE I WOULD DO IT DIFFERNETLY IF IT WAS MY WEDDING> OK NOW MY COMPUTER IS FREAKING OUT> UMMM I don't KNOW WHAT I DID BUT IT won't QUIT! OK THIS IS GOING TO BOTHER ME SO MUCH> I HATE THAT WHEN SOMETHING HAPPENS WITH YOUR COMPUTER AND YOU don't KNOW HOW TO FIX IT> SOMETIMES THESE THINGS ARE JUST TOO SMART FOR THEIR OWN GOOD> MY EYE ITCHES BUT I can't ITCH IT> WIERD> I WONDER WHY YOU can't ITCH INSIDE< BUT IT ITCHES ANYWAYS> HMM> I WONDER WHY YOUR FOOT WILL JUST FALL ASLEEP ALL OF A SUDDEN AND YOU can't WAKE IT UP> WHY DO THEY SAY IT FELL ASLEEP? IT SMELLS LIKE PEANUT BUTTER IN MY ROOM BECAUSE MY ROOMATE IS MAKING A PB&J SANDWICH> I M HUNGRY NOW TOO> I COULDNT EAT AT OLIVE GARDEN EARLIER BECAUSE I WAS COUGHING TOO MUCH< BUT NOW ITS A LITTLE BETTER> I SHOULD TRY TO EAT SOMETHING> I WISH THERE WAS JUST A PILL THAT YOU COULD TAKE THAT WOULD BE FOOD> IT WOULD BE A UNIVERSAL THING> FOOD TAKES UP SO MUCH OF OUR TIME AND LIVES> WE WOULD LIVE CHEAPER< HAVE MORE TIME TO DO OTHER THINGS< AND PROBALY WOULDNT HAVE SO MANY OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE> THATS A GOOD IDEA> I THINK IM GOING TO COME UP WITH ONE OF THOSE>>>

1

0

1

1

1

23

MMMMM I wonder what's for dinner tonight??? I have so much crap to do before I leave to go home. Why is this print so small? Oh well, I have no idea what to get Kate for her birthday. Man I'm really having a hard time typing today. I wonder who's on im. I hope Kyle is I can't wait to see him on Saturday, and I really can't wait for the Mexican food. I need to spend time with my mom and dad and go shopping so I have clothes to wear down here. I don't want to go on that retreat. This sucks. Okay well I have another 15 minutes and my head is so jumbled up. I bet they think I'm a moron. My back hurts and I really need a nap. I don't want to write my English paper! I need to find a job here so I can have some spending money. I can't believe my math book cast me $90 that really put a damper on the day. I can't type for the life of me today. I wonder why they put a sticker of a bee on this computer. That's so random. I want to check my hotmail I wonder if anyone exciting wrote me. I haven't heard from my mom I wonder if everything's okay. I really need a nap. This whole go out every night and wake up at 9 thing is killing me. Oh crap I have to do my math homework. I wonder if it will matter if I go tomorrow. I'm going to be so exhausted. I should go grocery shopping so I can have some snack to munch on. The food here really isn't that bad. I should work out again today because I only worked out for 15 minutes and ate a huge lunch, I can't gain that freshman 15. I hope someone calls me I'm bored. That's neat that this computer capitalizes your Is for you. Only 10 more minutes. I hope Cat can get her cd burner working I really want that song it was so sweet. Man am I glad we don't have mandatory study hours, talk about adding to my stress. My eyes keep closing. I wonder if I'll see Barrett tonight. I'm stressing out about TX OU weekend. I want to be able to see my family and Kyle. I can't believe its $150 to make a cooler what do they think this is homecoming? I'm glad my face cleared up last time I go get my eyebrows waxed. I wish I were going home tomorrow. I don't want to go on this retreat. I wonder when we're getting our tshirts in, hopefully soon. Man my wrists hurt. I really need to get one of those pad things. I wonder how I'm supposed to paste this into that other site??? Yes, only two more minutes left. Wow that went by pretty fast. I can't believe how bad I'm typing today. I wonder when I can get my student ID back. I hope we actually get tickets. TIMES UP!