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What do you need a babysitter for? I'm almost ten and a half.

Mom! You wouldn't dare.

Don't take that tone with me, young lady, or I'll give you a taste of the back of me hand.

No, you don't!

Grampa?

Huh... who?... what?

Grampa, could you do something?

I can dress myself.

Well, I was wondering. Do you think you could babysit the kids this weekend? I wouldn't ask, except I'm desperate.

Oh sure. Last resort... Old Grampa, the feeb. The guy who can't be counted on for nothing, no how, dagnabit. Everyone's agin me. I'll do it.

Marge, just puttin' a few last things in the trunk.

Now, if Maggie runs a fever, you call this number. If she sticks her finger in an electrical socket, call this number. And if she drinks pine cleanser, call this...

Just give me the list. I can read.

All right. All right. Goodbye, children. And behave yourselves.

Call this number if Grampa falls in the bathtub.

I heard that.

Grampa, Mom was in such a hurry, she forgot to give you this. It's a list of the things Lisa and I can and can't do.

Uh huh .. Uh-huh... You're allowed smoke cigars?

Hmmm, bait.

Whoa, better get some gas.

Fill 'er up. I guess I'll go and stretch my legs.

Where ya headed?

Catfish Lake.

Oh, after General Sherman, are ya?

Wait, wait a minute... wait a minute. Who's General Sherman?

He's only the biggest catfish in these parts...

Oh yeah.

... they say he weighs upwards of five hundred pounds.

Whoa, who says that?

They do.

Now, that there's the only known picture of the General. Can't see what he is, exactly. He's freakishly big, though.

Hmmmm. Gentlemen: I am going to catch General Sherman!

After the supermarket, we'll go to the video store, grab a Krusty Burger and head for the arcade.

Bart, Grampa's a kindly old man who trusts us. Are you sure it's right to take advantage of him?

Lis, in these crazy, topsy-turvy times, who's to say what's right or wrong? But right now my gut's telling me... Bleed Gramps dry.

Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson. Welcome!

Hello, Reverend. We're glad we could come. Oh, hello Helen.

Hel-lo Marge!

Why, Homer Simpson! Here to give your marriage a little spit shine?

None of your business, Flanders.

Uh say... uh... Reverend... are we gonna get a chance to do any fishing?

Oh, I'm afraid not. A marriage can't be reconciled in a few hours, Homer. It takes a whole weekend to do that.

We must bait our hooks with honesty. That way a happy marriage won't be the one that got away.

I see. I also understand bowling expressions.

Ah, three couples... our best turnout yet. Why don't we go around the room and everyone can introduce themselves and tell us a little bit about why they're here. John... Gloria?

My name's Gloria. I'm here because Johnny boy hasn't been able to cut it, manwise, for some time. Not that I'd want his odor of gin and sour defeat pressed against me.

That's enough, Gloria!

Thank you, Gloria. John, why don't you tell us a little about why you're here?

She never cooks, she keeps a filthy house and she talks profanely. She's the Queen of the Harpies.

No, I'm not!

Queen of the Harpies!

No, I'm not!

Here's your crown, your Majesty.

Get away from me, swine.

Queen of the Harpies!

You've come to the right place. First, I want you to look into each other's eyes.

Your eyes? I'd forgotten how beautiful they are.

Let's never fight again.

We were fools to argue.

Let's not talk about that.

Let's not talk at all.

Remember my saving your lives and bringing you happiness when we pass the collection plate next week. All right. Ned, Maude, what brings you here?

Well...

Go on, Neddie.

Sometimes Maude, God bless her, she underlines passages in my Bible because she can't find hers.

Lucky you don't keep guns in the house.

Homer, why are you here?

Ohhh, because I got drunk and looked down her dress.

No, no, Homer. Marge is going to tell us all your faults. Why don't you tell us about hers?

She's perfect.

Come on, Homer. What are her faults?

Well, sometimes that can be annoying.

Oh, Homer.

Now, Marge. Don't interrupt. You'll get your turn.

I'm done.

Okay. Marge?

Well, it's not that I don't love the guy. I'm always sticking up for him. It's just that he's so self-centered.

Now, Homer.

He forgets birthdays, anniversaries, holidays -- both religious and secular -- he chews with his mouth open, he gambles, he hangs out at a seedy bar with bums and lowlifes...

It's true. It's all true.

Homer, don't interrupt.

He blows his nose on the towels, and puts them back in the middle...

I only did that a couple of times.

Half a gallon of chocolate.

Half a gallon of chocolate brownie fudge.

Half a gallon of chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate chip.

Did your Mom really write that shopping list?

Grampa, what a question?

What's next, Lis?

Sprinkles and syrup.

Hey, Grampa. Aisle six and step on it.

Well, all right, but put out that cigar.

... He drinks out of the carton. He never changes the baby. When he goes to sleep, he makes chewing noises and when he wakes up he makes honking noises. Oh... oh... and he scratches himself with his keys. I guess that's it. Oh no. Wait. He kicks me in his sleep and his toenails are too long and yellow. That's all I can think of right now. I guess you're all tired and I want to thank you for letting me get some things off my chest.

Well, we've missed the luau. What say we call it a night?

I don't want to hear it, McBain. That cannon of yours is against regulations. In this department we go by the book.

You know, kids, it's gettin' pretty late.

Yeah, you should go to bed, Grampa. We've had a big day.

It's no use kidding myself. I'm having an ethical crisis.

Out at five, catch General Sherman at five-thirty, clean him at six, eat him at six-thirty, back in bed by seven with no incriminating evidence. . The perfect crime.

Homer, you're sneaking out to go fishing? I can't believe your selfishness. You can go fishing anytime, but we're here trying to save our marriage. You're thinking about fishing, even when I'm talking... right now. Right?